Wikiquote:Village pump

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== Help needed ==

Originally when GRP create the ED page I forgot about it, now he's doing it again, could someone help get it deleted? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:The harder you try, the more likely it is to remain, and the more people will want to look at it. It's like that old fable of trying to catch your breath by running after it.
:My advice: let it go. Let it go. Let - it - go. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 17:40, 2 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{done}} will do that, thanks for the advice. Also, I got a message from them as well, [https://encyclopediadramatica.online/User:MarioMario456/talk3 here]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:34, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

== Results of Wiki Loves Folklore 2022 is out! ==

&lt;div lang=&quot;en&quot; dir=&quot;ltr&quot; class=&quot;mw-content-ltr&quot;&gt;
{{int:please-translate}}
[[File:Wiki Loves Folklore Logo.svg|right|150px|frameless]]

Hi, Greetings

The winners for '''[[c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022|Wiki Loves Folklore 2022]]''' is announced!

We are happy to share with you winning images for this year's edition. This year saw over 8,584 images represented on commons in over 92 countries. Kindly see images '''[[:c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022/Winners|here]]'''

Our profound gratitude to all the people who participated and organized local contests and photo walks for this project.

We hope to have you contribute to the campaign next year.

'''Thank you,'''

'''Wiki Loves Folklore International Team'''

--[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 16:12, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Tiven2240@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&amp;oldid=23454230 --&gt;

== QOTD ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; The Main Page is missing a QOTD! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:30, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:Nice find. I made a redirect for the time being. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Wow! That was fast. Also, surprised that managed to slip through. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Also, did you get pinged? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::did and got an email in my inbox. Thanks! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} Why did you get an email? (I didn't send one) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-watchlist]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:26, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Huh? I don't see an email option there. Also, could you please deal with the massive backlog over at [[WQ:VIP]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::My bad: [[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-echo]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:40, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:Could you not ping all the admins in your message? This left me rather confused as there was no visible ping and I wasn't involved. If something needs urgent admin attention, please go to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:18, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:: +1. Please do not ping multitudes of people at once, and please do not ''hide'' invisible pings so nobody can see what is going on. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter feedback ==

What are you thoughts on [[User talk:Koavf#Abuse Filter|my proposed additions to the Abuse Filter]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Koavf|Ferien|Antandrus|UDScott}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:21, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Which in particular concern you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I could easily see someone writing &quot;globally blocked&quot; and tripping an abuse filter tag or your username for that matter. Of course, some settings in the abuse filter will completely block an edit from happening and others will just log that it occurred, but either way is not desirable: stopping legitimate edits is bad and a log that is full of false positives is bad. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} In my request it says that &quot;globally blocked&quot; would only trip it if it was in that specific capitalization (all letters capitalized). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:50, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::But also &quot;globally blocked lta&quot; (any capitalization) and &quot;et al&quot;? Those are totally valid words that could be used. Also, as I recall, the edit filter takes a toll for computing on the backend, so it's best to not have many edit filter entries. I could be wrong about that, tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:03, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Well it says that it is only applies non-auto confirmed, so not that big of a deal. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:24, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I could easily imagine a not auto-confirmed user writing &quot;et al&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:26, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any others remaining that you are still concerned about? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:29, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::thx/thanx would probably be it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:41, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any more? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:52, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I don't think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:02, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} So, do you support now? And can you add it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:05, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::This still needs consensus and I believe that the edit filter has a kind of high toll, so I'm still on the fence. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} High toll in terms of what? Also, (roughly) how many for votes for a consensus for something like this? 1? 2? 3? 5? 10? 100? The entire population of the United States?{{humor inline}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:09, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Sorry that I was unclear: I've had a hard time sleeping. What I mean is that, in my recollection, the filter needs to do a lot of computing work, since it needs to review the contents of every edit in real time, so adding a lot of filter rules is advised against. I could be wrong, again, I'm not an edit filter whiz, but I have edited it a little on a couple of projects. Plus, as I called out before, there's a kind of human toll where you may end up with false positives or blocking edits that are valid and that takes manual oversight, so it's hard to know exactly what ruels will result in the most efficient use of time. As for how many are needed for consensus, I don't have a hard number in mind, but I would like to leave this open for a few weeks and I hope get a few others giving feedback, since I'm not terribly confident about my skills with the filter. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I'm failing to see the point in even adding that to the abuse filter now you have made it public. The reason the abuse filter is private is to make sure LTAs have a hard time trying to edit. Not simply noticing &quot;oh I can't say these words so let me change my behaviour/what I say&quot;. This LTA is always trying to get past the abuse filter and sometimes succeeds. There is a reason this abuse filter is rarely discussed on-wiki. Discussing abuse filters should not be on talk pages, let alone anywhere near the village pump. -[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Community members in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass|propose statements to use in the Election Compass.]]

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

July 8 - 20: Community members propose statements for the Election Compass

July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements

July 23 - August 1: Volunteers vote on the statements

August 2 - 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements

August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements

August 15: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August. The Elections Committee will oversee the process, supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance team. MSG will check that the questions are clear, there are no duplicates, no typos, and so on.

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 13:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add template editor right ==

Some of the most used templates here are protected so only admins can edit, which is important for stopping vandalism, but, a lot of potential for fixes and improvements within these pages is also lost because of it. So, do you think that a separate template editor right should be added? (I'm not specifically talking about me, and by &quot;improvements&quot; I don't mean radical changes) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:30, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'm generally in favor of breaking off some of the admin user rights for individuals who have skills and motivation to do certain technical work (templates, interface admin) without doing things like blocking, protecting pages, deleting, etc. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:21, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:This seems like a good idea to me. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support with caveat''' - Does this differ from 'interface editor' on other projects? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} What is 'interface editor'? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::: [[m:Interface_editors]][[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 15:26, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Yes, very different, 'template editor' only includes the right to edit protected templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:28, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I don't really consider myself much apart of the enwikiq community, but while I'm here just dropping a tech note. &quot;template editor&quot; currently would do nothing, for it to be useful the community would need to decide they want another protection level (normally more stringent than &quot;semiprotected&quot; and less stringent than &quot;protected&quot;); then administrators would need to actual configure this protection level on pages.  The community would need to determine how this new template editing access should be managed (normally it is &quot;by administrators&quot; technically, with varying local policy rules that you would determine), then add this group to editors that you want to be able to edit the pages that are protected at that level.  Most &quot;smaller&quot; (in terms of active editing communities) don't bother with this, the none/semi-protected/fully-protected scheme is sufficient. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:32, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose'''. Per [[Special:ProtectedPages]] There are currently 84 fully protected templates and no fully protected modules on this wiki. I do not think it is a good use of time to set up a user group, assign it to people and pages, create policies about use/abuse/granting/revocation, update everything else that comes along with big changes in user rights (templates, scripts, policy, help pages, interface messages, etc) when this new protection level will probably be used on 30-40 pages and will be probably only be granted to 1 or 2 people, it just seems like a lot of extra bureaucracy for not much benefit. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:27, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Noting here that only 12 projects have template editor rights enabled, and one of those is the testing wiki. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''Oppose''' Fundamentally tainted proposal given the proposer's propensity to propose new user groups seemingly for the sake of doing so rather than to fill any actual need. [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 03:10, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} I have had many occasions where this right would be useful for me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} Please see [[w:WP:HYE|WP:HYE]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Is this really a valid reason to vote against something? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Any reason could be valid, but I don't think this is a very compelling reason for a no and were I closing this conversation, I don't know that I would count this as being very on-topic. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add revision importer right ==

{{discussion-closed-top|Withdrawn and starting new vote}}
{{center|{{Ombox|image=&amp;nbsp;|text=&lt;h3&gt;Voting results as of July 17, 2022&lt;/h2&gt;{{Election results|alliance1=Support|aspan1=4|atotal4=3|apct1=50%|party1=Support|votes1=2|party2=Strong Support|votes2=0|party3=Weak Support|votes3=1|alliance5=Oppose|aspan5=4|atotal8=5|party5=Oppose|votes5=4|party6=Strong Oppose|votes6=0|party7=Weak Oppose|votes7=1|alliance9=Other|aspan9=4|atotal12=2|vatotal12=0|party9=Neutral|votes9=2|vatotal9=0|party10=Withdrawn/re-submitted/invalid|votes10=0|party11=Comment/question|votes11=0|color1=#20ff20|color2=#008e00|color3=#72ff72|color5=#ff0000|color6=#a80000|color7=#ff6868|color9=yellow|color10=black|color11=#efefef|valid=8|invalid=2}}}}}}

{{ping|koavf}} This is still in very early stages, but here is a proposal for a new user group containing the following rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt;
* The ability to self-revoke the right from yourself.
What do you think so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

=== Potential concerns ===

=== Comments ===

:It's not obvious to me why all of these are lumped together and it seems like straight up importer would work, if the community thought it was necessary or a bureaucrat/steward saw fit to give someone the right. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:22, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Well, I am posting this in hopes of getting it approved on phab. Also for the explanations:
::* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case the rate limit triggers from sending too much data.
::* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right.
::* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; If a page imported page needs to be moved without redirect.
::* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm fine with it. If you file a ticket at [[phab:]], they will want to see more consensus than this before changing the site preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Thank you! I  needed to post this here to get consensus and to get feedback on possible improvements. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, do you think this right should be granted by stewards or bureaucrats? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't see why this should have to escalate all the way up to stewards. I think the only rights that should be like that are CheckUser and Oversight, but I know that I'm in the minority on that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:43, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} Wait, what rights other than those two require stewards? Also, I do agree with you. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:51, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::E.g. bureaucrats cannot remove any rights other than those that admins can and the bot flag. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:17, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:12, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:&lt;s&gt;'''Neutral''' - I don't know that this is really needed, but I'm not as familiar with the way things work here on Wikiquote. Maybe there's a need that isn't covered by the importers user group? Maybe that group should be modified to include these additional rights? I don't know, so I'm neutral on this proposal. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 22:15, 13 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; Changed to oppose.
::'''Oppose''', for several reasons.
::#I think you're going out of your way to harass anyone who is voting against (or in my case, neutral about) your proposal. Your attempts to strike Ferien's vote (or any of the votes of others whose reasons you deem &quot;invalid&quot;) are especially disturbing. How about you let people have opinions that differ from yours, and leave it at that? 
::#The gigantic warning (added and continually made more obnoxious with each edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143520 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143522 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143526 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143527 here], and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143528 here] is completely unnecessary and only serves to make you look unhinged.
::#As others have pointed out, you don't seem to fully grasp how the various user rights work, and your proposal contains a lot of unnecessary rights bundled together apparently because you want all of the bundled rights and not because they serve any useful general purpose bundled together as proposed.
::#Going off the last point, you have repeatedly failed to express valid reasons how this would be useful to anyone other than yourself.
::For all these reasons (and probably a few others I forgot while typing this), I don't see any valid need for this new user group. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 08:34, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Seems okay'''; not really sure why it is needed, but I don't seen any compelling reason for not, so I guess that's a tentative support. Open to persuasion if I am missing something. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:53, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} Here is some more information/context:
::&lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; I regularly need to import a lot of templates (including revisions), so this would be nice.
::&lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Useful for doing the above automatically, mass-importing pages from another wiki, or importing multiple levels deep.
::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; If a page/template you are importing contains/is on the blacklist.
::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case you trigger the rate limit for creating too many pages.
::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right. Also, similar to above.
::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; Deleting a page after it has been merged.
::&lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; Same as above.
::&lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose''' Import is quite a dangerous tool. On Simple English Wikipedia we do have the importer right but it is rarely used or given out, mainly because you have to be really trusted to use it. Seeing as import could cause so much damage and that damage isn't really reversible without admin tools, you have to have a very large amount of trust in someone to give them import, and at that point if you can trust them so much to use import properly, why not give admin so they can clear up any mess they might make as well. While this is the general attitude on simplewiki, it applies to any WMF site. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Ferien}} Yes, it is a powerful tool, but why are you against this? If it is dangerous, we'll just be extra careful when giving out, like any other user right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:01, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It's a powerful tool and it's very difficult to reverse mistakes if you are not an admin. If you're not careful, you can import dozens of templates at once that may not be the ones you wanted to import, and you have to fix these pages or call an admin to delete these pages manually. I am also not voting against you as you seem to be implying below, import is already included in admin and so you are suggesting it should be given to non-admins, which I oppose for the reasons above. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} It already '''is''' given to non-admins on many other wikis. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:50, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, but not on Wikiquote. Just because many other wikis have done it wrong doesn't mean we should do it wrong too. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::{{Blockquote|Just because many other wikis have done it wrong}}
::::::I am not sure if this is humorous or not, but, if it isn't: 
::::::: This is a ridiculous comment, just because you don't agree doesn't make it &quot;wrong&quot;. Considering this has been done on dozens of wikis, it is probably a good choice for at-least some wikis. By making this comment, it makes your original vote look like it was made in bad faith.
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:23, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, they have done it wrong ''in my opinion''. Your opinion may be different but as I said, I think the same applies for most wikis and unless you are including delete in importer or importer is only added if you have a role like one on some wikis called eliminator which has delete tools and block tools, but not protection, abuse filter etc, I do not think importer on its own is appropriate. That does not make my !vote done in bad faith. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} If you don't think this should be done on ''any'' wiki, make a request on meta, rather than voting here. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:30, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Since your vote is about generally being against the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right for non-admins and not specifically about my request, may I please strike it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, not sure why you want to strike my vote, because that is exactly what your request is about. While it doesn't specify non-admins specifically or mention non-admins, that is exactly what you are asking for. Admins already have the import right. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I never said that importer being given on other wikis should be reversed. That wouldn't be done on meta anyway, it'd be done for individual communities as they decided to add it there. If other wikis feel that's what works for them, then that's fine. I am not really part of many other wikis' community. Only simplewiki, enwikiquote and to some extent metawiki and enwiki. However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::::::{{Blockquote|However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument.}}
::::::::::I am suggesting it should be done &quot;because it is done on other wikis&quot;, I was just pointing that out. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:38, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:03, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I have already read the message. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 08:52, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Could explain exactly ''why'' you oppose '''''the creation''''' of this right? You have already explained that it is dangerous right, in your opinion, and should be restricted, but why do you not want it created? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:04, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Koavf}} What are your thoughts on this reply? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|ferien|koavf}} {{u|Koavf}}, just what I was thinking! This isn't an RfRI, this is a feature request. While I would like to have it, whether I get should be held in a vote for that, not if should exist at all. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|Koavf}} Can the vote be striken-off as invalid? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::So I assume you're talking about my vote? Is there any reason why it should be struck as invalid? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:46, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|Kalki}} Could you vote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:: I do not see any compelling need for creating such a user group, and do see that it could develop complications and problems that would have to be sorted out in often tedious ways. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I also '''oppose''' this - for many of the reasons already articulated above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Kalki|UDScott}} Could you be more specific, so I could try to improve/re-submit this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} Could you give me some recommendations on how to improve my proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's not a matter of making tweaks to your proposal that will suddenly convince me - I just don't think this is something we want. I would rather see more users become admins if qualified, rather than adding more roles. I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues. Bottom line is that I just don't see the value in doing this, regardless of how the proposal to do so is worded. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:57, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}}
::::::{{Blockquote|I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues.}}
::::::Well, I would assume if someone is given, they would know how to import properly. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:02, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's quite the logical fallacy you've got going there. Just because someone has garnered enough support to be granted a role in no way means that a process will be performed correctly. Everyone who has been in the admin role has at one time or another made an error - because of a misunderstanding, a lack of technical ability, or simply a mistake. The nomination and approval process that results in one gaining a role does not remove risk of issues. I just don't see the need for this role, especially given the risk involved (and the fact that if errors are made, it is a bit tedious to correct them). I do not support this proposal - I've explained this multiple times, even though I don't believe that I need to justify my lack of support. And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} As {{u|Koavf}} said, &quot;Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem.&quot; Wouldn't that also apply to this vote?
::::::::{{Blockquote|And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond.}}
::::::::That's usually how a one-to-one discussion works.
::::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:20, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I am applying it to this vote - to me the risk is too high for ''any''one to have it when I don't see the need for it. And no, pinging someone and just addressing them in the text of the conversation are two different things. Imagine if we were standing at a door having a discussion. You could easily say my name and make your point - or you could ring the doorbell every time before you speak. One is standard behavior and the other is a bit annoying - see the difference? IMHO, pinging should only be used when you have received no response and wish to gain someone's attention. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What exactly ''are'' the risks to importing? I understand how it could be used maliciously (e.g. spamming, faking edits, etc.), but I don't see how it could be destructive when used in good faith. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:32, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::I believe Ferien outlined the issues very well above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:34, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, there already are the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; user rights. I never said what the requirements would be or how strictly it would be given out, only the user rights it would contain and how it would work. Are you against the very idea of non-developers importing? And if so, wouldn't you the rights removed entirely? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:41, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you have any suggestions as to how I could improve this proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I do not. It seems like community consensus is tilting against it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:58, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Currently the results are: 3 Support, 1 Neutral, 3 Oppose. So, even. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''oppose''' does not seem needed or useful, extremely sensitive rights --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 21:51, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|DannyS712}} Please explain further. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:30, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''neutral''' I was aksed to leave feedback, but I rarely edit Wikiquote, how often would this need to be used? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:54, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Very often. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:56, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:According to [[Special:log/import]] since the software started logging imports in late 2007 the right has been used a grand total of 171 times, with 97 of those uses being the same person on the same day in 2019. The claim that this would be used &quot;very often&quot; appears to have no basis in the available facts. A breakdown of yearly usage stats for this right:
{{collapse|
:*2022 - 1 import
:*2021 - 16 imports
:*2020 - 2 imports
:*2019 - 98 imports
:*2018 - no imports
:*2017 - no imports
:*2016 - 1 import
:*2015 - no imports
:*2014 - no imports
:*2013 - no imports
:*2012 - no imports
:*2011 - 16 imports
:*2010 - no imports
:*2009 - no imports
:*2008 - 37 imports}}
:There are also some parts of this proposal that seem bizarre and poorly thought out to me - e.g. why are you including autoconfirmed in this group? Anyone with this right should already be autoconfirmed - this isn't something that should be given to newbies. History merging is quite possibly the most dangerous user right on the site, and should not be given to anyone except admins who have the technical ability to fix any messes it creates. In what situations is the &quot;delete-redirect&quot; right going to be useful - pages don't need to have the exact same name on all wikis, and if there's an existing template redirect in the way importing a new template over the top of it could cause a disaster. &quot;Supress redirect&quot; seems to be unrelated to the act of actually importing pages and seems to have been chucked in so you can history merge stuff? Wikiquote also already has the unused [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importers] user groups, which seem to do exactly what you're already asking for.
:I don't know if wikiquote allows IP votes in policy decisions, but I would '''Oppose''' this proposal on the basis that the import functionality is so rarely used that the current workload can easily be handled by existing admins, this particular proposal seems to be poorly thought out and bundles a load of rights together that are, at best, tangentially related to importing pages, and that user groups to allow users to import pages already exist. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:09, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::# Autoconfirmed is a basic right.
::# How is history merging the most dangerous???
::# Delete-redirect is '''required''' for this to be done properly '''most''' of the time.
::::* Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:18, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Also, '''please''' read the banner at the top. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|192.76.8.85}} Does this count as a vote or comment. (I am assuming a vote for the timebeing) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know why you're directing me to read your idiotically large, obnoxious banner (made extra large and obnoxious in response to my comment!) and to ask you for technical explanations when your responses here are utter nonsense and demonstrate that you don't actually understand what you're proposing.
:::*''Autoconfirmed is a basic right.'' - yes, which is why it is utterly pointless to bundle it into an advanced user right supposed to be given to trusted members of the community.  Everyone who is granted the import right will already be autoconfirmed. There is no point giving them the right again, it makes as much sense as giving the &lt;code&gt;edit&lt;/code&gt; right to admins.
:::*''How is history merging the most dangerous???'' - because it can easily make an enormous mess and it has no &quot;undo&quot; functionality. If you accidentally merge together two pages with long co-existent history the only way to unmerge them is to delete the page then manually undelete individual revisions one at a time to separate the page histories out again. Fixing a history merge mistake can take literally hours. It is also completely unnecessary for importers to have this right because it is already built into the import function.
:::*''Delete-redirect is required for this to be done properly most of the time. Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.'' - this makes no sense at all, I actually cannot understand what you are trying to say here. The import function can directly add old revisions to an existing page, you just set the import location to the title of the extant page - you don't have to import pages to some other title then merge them together afterwards.
:::You can consider this to be a vote. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:50, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::* History merge '''is''' necessary for the follow reason:
::::** Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is an importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would cause the import to fail. So what the importer would do is:
::::**# Import the original page to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
::::**# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::This doesn't make any kind of sense. You import the page with it's whole history, split the history via the history merge function (?), then combine the history back together, then delete the mess of pages you created? What you would end up with if you followed those instructions is page 3 with the entire edition history of persons 1 2 and 3 included?
:::::Again, this work flow is complete and utter nonsense. If you want to perform an import and merge revisions into existing page then you just have to tell the import tool to include history information, and the merge will be done for you. If you just want to import the revisions from before the history fork then make an XML dump of the revisions you want and import that. There is no need at all for this histmerge and redirect mess.
:::::Fundamentally though fixing history forking issues is not a job for page importers - it is a job for administrators who have access to the proper page deletion, undeletion and history toolbox. It makes no sense to give users some administrative tools to allow them to, via a unnecessarily convoluted methods, fix an issue that has never actually occurred to date. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:33, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have this issue very often, that's why I proposed it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Is history merge very dangerous? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::What &quot;issue&quot; are you actually having, because &quot;import revisions from another wiki and merge them into an existing page&quot; is functionality that the import tool already has - you don't need all the extra user rights to do it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I meant merging within a wiki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::&quot;merging within a wiki&quot; is not a part of any sensible workflow for importing pages. User rights should be set up as groups of related rights that multiple people should find useful, that have similar access requirements, and generally the ability to do an action should be bundled with the ability to undo it. Creating a user group isn't an opportunity to put together a &quot;grab bag&quot; of rights that you personally think you would like. An &quot;importer&quot; right should just contain the stuff needed to import pages, i.e. &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:57, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::That why is called &quot;'''revision''' importer&quot; and not just &quot;importer&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::And what is the supposed difference between this &quot;revision importer&quot; and the regular &quot;importer&quot; right? You can already import revisions and add them to the history of pages using the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; rights. To me this looks like a combination of you not actually knowing what the import right does, a bunch of utterly bizarre suggestions (like the bundled autoconfirmed right) and you trying to make your own personal user group with just the stuff you want in it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 22:03, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Maybe &quot;revision editor&quot; or &quot;revision manager&quot; would be a more accurate title? Also, this isn't just for me. If it was, it would also include many other rights (e.g. rollback, templateeditor). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:06, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::We already have a user group that allows certain people to edit page histories, they're called &quot;administrators&quot;. I do not think a user group which allows editors to screw up page histories but does not include the tools to fix them is a good idea. ''this isn't just for me.'' seems to be in direct contradiction to your statement below that the big issue with the existing importer groups is that ''Neither of which fully covers my needs.'' which is it - a general &quot;importer&quot; group for everyone, or a user group specifically tailored to what you want to do. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:41, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::A revision editor would be for '''revisions''', not general administrative rights. Revisions editing includes imports. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:42, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::What is the difference between &quot;general administrative rights&quot; and &quot;revision&quot; rights. They are, as far as I can tell, the same thing. Pages on wikis are nothing but a string of revisions, how is messing around with revisions a distinct operation from messing around with pages? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::I didn’t say it ''was'' used very often, I said it ''would'' be used very often, '''if implemented'''. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:15, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I got pinged here from enwiki: enwikiquote already has local admins which have transwiki access, and if there is a good reason this community needs xmlimports the &quot;importer&quot; group could also be added via the existing group process. xmlimport can be &quot;dangerous&quot; so I'd suggest that you not add it to anyone that wouldn't otherwise qualify as an interface admin here. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|Xaosflux}} This would only be given to users who are '''at least''' as trustworthy as interface admins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:29, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Also, could you ask me more questions, so you could come to a final decision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::I don't really consider myself part of the enwikiquote community - the primary governance of permissions for this project belongs to them. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Please, very few regulars here actually vote in these. Outside feedback would be very helpful. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:38, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:wikiquote already has [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importer] groups, but they're not currently used. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:35, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::Neither of which fully covers my needs. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:37, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
{{discussion-closed-bottom}}

== Reverse-protection cross-(wiki?) RfC (phab) ==

What is your opinion on [[phab:T312835|this]] feature request? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:45, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== QOTD emergency ==

{{:WQT:PAA|hide=false}} QOTD is missing! {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
: I just posted it a couple minutes ago — it is certainly NOT any extraordinary emergency. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:25, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Kalki}} Was already marking as fixed while you were leaving your comment. In-fact a got an edit conflict message. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:27, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{redlink|Redlinks}} on the front page are a pretty big deal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Absolutely agreed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:38, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, please stop pinging all administrators. If there is genuinely an emergency like this that needs an admin, please make your way to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Notice about the revision importer proposal ==

Originally it was planned to be a discussion only for feedback and improvement, and not a vote since it was nowhere near done. But it accidentally turned into a vote, and as such, failed, as I could provide sufficient information about purpose or how it would work. I will be closing it shortly. I will start a new only for feedback and not voting, after I think it is sufficiently done, I will start a new vote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Feedback on proposal for new user right ==

{{Notice box|text='''This is not a vote,''' this is simply a discussion related to improving and fixing potential issues with this proposal, users who oppose this may provide feedback on how to make it less unappealing to them, but if you are entirely against it and have no constructive feedback to offer, '''do not comment here.'''&lt;br&gt;&lt;big&gt;You may also ask questions here, '''regardless of what you think of the proposal.'''&lt;/big&gt;}}

This is a proposal for a 'revision importer' right, this would be primarily used for cross-wiki importing, though it will also be used for other purposes.

This is needed because a lot of pages and templates that exist on other wikis do not exist here. Also, this can also be used for importing lost pages from dead wikis. (e.g. simple English Wikiquote)

This right would be appointed by bureaucrats.

Here are the user rights it is planned to contain so far:

{{:User:Ilovemydoodle/proposal/usergroups/revision importer}}

Here are the reasons for each right:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory.
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory. Also helpful for mass-importing pages and in cases where revisions need to manually be modified.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — This is needed if a template that has been imported, has been updated on another wiki.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — If an imported page is on the title blacklist.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Potential rate limit issues. (this might not be neccessary)
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Similar to &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Same as &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Security reasons as with other rights.

=== Examples ===

Here are some examples where this right would preform better than regular importers or administrators.

==== 1 ====

Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is a revision importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events, Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would mean that if it was imported traditionally it would either fail, or would appear to succeed, but all revisions in-between wouldn't be valid for this wiki. (e.g. if a template has to have all mentions of 'Wikipedia' changed to 'Wikiquote', this is pretty obvious, but you could imagine more subtle issues). Then, if someone didn't like certain changes that were made, and rolled-back to an earlier revision, the new versiom wouldn't be valid for this wiki. With this type of importing, the revision import could manually edit the revisions before importing, so all revision would be valid. This could be done via the following process: 

# Import the original page (from the other wiki) to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.

=== Comments ===

– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016|Nihonjoe|Antandrus|Koavf|Stang|ShakespeareFan00|Rubbish computer|Dave Braunschweig|Atcovi|Ottawahitech}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:29, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

Why are you wasting everyone's time by repeating the exact same discussion as above which will lead to the exact same conclusion? This is an terrible idea for a user group - it is completely redundant to the existing &quot;import&quot; group, contains a load of disjointed and disconnected rights that have no business being bundled together and per the discussion above the proposer is unable to justify why this group should exist or what purpose it is supposed to serve. Going through the list of rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — Not enabled anywhere for any user group, even stewards. Has the ability to crash medium to large wikis, so the devs are unlikely to approve enabling. The proposer doesn't appear to understand what this does, it has nothing to do with templates, it's intended for content pages, when you export a page with this setting enabled it also exports all linked pages, and all pages linked to those pages and so on until you hit the depth limit.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, Import can already merge page histories, extremely dangerous and can easily make a huge mess, should remain restricted to administrators.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded. Not a frequently occurring issue, if a title is deemed unsuitable by the blacklist it can just be imported to a different title, pages don't need to have the same name everywhere.
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, no-one should be importing pages so quickly they hit the rate limit.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded - everyone even being considered for import user rights should be autoconfirmed.
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
The &quot;proposed&quot; user rights are not possible to implement (the database doesn't track which revisions have been imported) would not get past wmf legal (you cannot view any kind of deleted content without passing an RFA or equivalent process) and duplicate existing admin functionality.

My opinion is that the proposer here does not understand what they are proposing, how user rights work, how importing work and has no idea what this user group is supposed to be used for. I am unimpressed that rather than answering the question &quot;what is this supposed to be used for and how is it different from importer/administrator rights&quot; they have decided to shut down the discussion above and start another one on exactly the same thing. I am even more unimpressed that they have left another &quot;notice&quot; telling people that unless they are coming here to tell them how amazing their idea is they are unwelcome to comment. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''This is not a vote,''' please read the header. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:55, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can you please point out where I voted? '''Please read my comment'''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:56, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — This might a problem, I will look into this. Thanks for the feedback.
:::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; Not frequent, but if you are importing a lot of pages, this could be an issue.
:::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Specific cases (e.g. second account, changing accounts, bots, etc.), also there is no harm to adding this right.
:::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:03, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::You haven't &quot;explained &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt;. You've posted a completely ridiculous workflow which would involve using them to do something the import right can already do.
::::Why would &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; be useful? What kinds of pages are you intending to import where the title would be so terrible it would hit an entry on the blacklist.
::::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; you clearly do not understand what this does, I'll give you a clue, it has nothing to do with the &quot;amount of data&quot; that you're sending to the server. Another clue, import actions aren't even rate limited.
::::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; why on earth would you include a user right that the person already has? It's a complete waste of time. If for some reason you need to import pages using a brand new alt account why couldn't you do the normal thing, and assign the user the &quot;confirmed&quot; user rights?
::::You still haven't answered the fundamental question - what is this right supposed to do that the &quot;import&quot; right can't already do, and why do you need all these extra user rights to re-implement functionality that already exists. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:16, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::How do you ''modify'' a revision with regular import? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:22, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::You can use the &quot;import from a file&quot; option and edit the XML before you upload it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:05, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::...which would require the removal and replacement of the existing revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Why would you be replacing revisions with things that didn't actually exist? The whole point of the page history is to serve as the legally required record of who contributed what content to a page - there is no situation whatsoever where it would be appropriate to replace actual revisions with stuff you made up. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Please see example 1. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::example 1 is a completely ridiculous workflow that only demonstrates that you don't actually understand how anything works. Even so, at what stage of example 1 do you need to make up revisions that don't actually exist? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Anywhere between 2 and 4. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:This user right would '''not''' allow a user to view deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::The &lt;code&gt;view-deleted-imported-revision&lt;/code&gt; would fall afoul of [[meta:Limits to configuration changes]], specifically ''Allow non-admins to view deleted stuff''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It would only allow the viewing of content deleted using this right, which would be stored separately to admin-deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Again, you don't appear to understand how anything actually works. Mediawiki doesn't store deleted revisions separately, they're in the main revision table but flagged as deleted. Non-admins are banned from viewing deleted content, it doesn't matter how it was deleted or what user right was involved. This is a hard limit by the WMF legal department and cannot be overturned via feature requests or consensus. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:08, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::There is a way of storing it separately. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Not in the current version of Mediawiki there isn't. Even suppressed material is stored in the main revision table with the &lt;code&gt;DELETED_RESTRICTED&lt;/code&gt; flag set. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It would be stored in the main archive table, it would be differentiated using the unused field &lt;code&gt;ar_flags&lt;/code&gt; – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:20, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you think more should be addressed in this proposal? If so, what? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:50, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:37, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Koavf}} Sorry, I just realized this now, I meant to say &quot;more questions addressed&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:53, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not really. I just think this is your proposal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Do you support it so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:25, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, what do you think the requirements to get this right should be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:29, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just asking for them and the community voting, just like with other rights. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't object, but I don't have strong feelings on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

I'm not a frequent contributor to Wikiquote, but I was asked to comment. I don't see a problem with the overall proposal if it meets a community need. However, I would not include &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;. There's almost no legitimate reason for a human being to trigger that limit. Save that right for bots. -- [[User:Dave Braunschweig|Dave Braunschweig]] ([[User talk:Dave Braunschweig|talk]]) 16:58, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:06, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
*First of all, you should not have started another discussion. It was going fine and people were still giving their opinions on it. In fact there was a point I wanted to respond to you on but couldn't because you closed the discussion. Secondly, seeing as 50% of people opposed, and only 30% supported, I'm just curious why you are still trying to push this idea and encouraging others to not oppose it despite quite a clear result voting-wise but also consensus-wise that the community doesn't want this. And I'm especially concerned about how you have closed another discussion and opened another one where apparently if you are entirely against the proposal, you are not allowed to comment. This makes it harder to find the community consensus that seemed to quite clearly be &quot;we don't want this.&quot; --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:The main issue provided was that there wasn’t any reason to do this (because I did not include one in the original vote), so I am trying to redo this in a better way. Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::You could have always edited the reason in the original discussion, and that would have had the benefit of not freezing the discussion for everyone else who participated... --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Well, I am redoing the ''whole'' proposal, so most of those votes won't matter anymore. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:53, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::It seems like the proposal is very similar to the one you just suggested. Just because ''you'' don't think those &quot;votes&quot; don't matter anymore doesn't mean you should move to a completely different discussion on the exact same topic, with some bizarre restrictions on what I should comment and what I should not. I see no reason for you to have opened another discussion and am considering merging it so the community are more aware about what your plans are. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:46, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::::The original vote was poorly conceived, this is my second attempt, please don't associate this with the original. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Sorry but I see no reason to not associate this with the original proposal. Yes, there are a couple of changes based on feedback, however your proposal is essentially the same, but instead, you have decided to discourage people opposed to it from commenting. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:13, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*Ok seeing as my opinion is clear at this point - that giving importer to non-admins is generally a bad idea - let's focus on the problems with this proposal. Autoconfirmed is unnecessary. It shouldn't affect rate limit, for autoconfirmed users. Merge history is not needed, although I'm unsure if this is included within importer - you can just import the page again, or update it manually for situations where it's updated on one wiki but not another - which is rare. tboverride - not sure when an imported page would ever be on the title blacklist? Overall, seems as though even more unnecessary admin-level tools are going into a right where not as much trust is necessary. If a person needs this many rights, why not get admin?? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Sorry ==

For leaving feedback requests on far too many user pages, I have stopped, and will only ask users that are actually interested, and can help. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Movement Strategy and Governance News - Issue 7 ==

&lt;div style = &quot;line-height: 1.2&quot;&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:200%;&quot;&gt;'''Movement Strategy and Governance News'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;br&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; color:#404040;&quot;&gt;'''Issue 7, July-September 2022'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; float:right;&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7|'''Read the full newsletter''']]&lt;/span&gt; 
----
Welcome to the 7th issue of Movement Strategy and Governance News! The newsletter distributes relevant news and events about the implementation of Wikimedia's [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Initiatives|Movement Strategy recommendations]], other relevant topics regarding Movement governance, as well as different projects and activities supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance (MSG) team of the Wikimedia Foundation.  

The MSG Newsletter is delivered quarterly, while the more frequent [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Updates|Movement Strategy Weekly]] will be delivered weekly. Please remember to subscribe [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Global message delivery/Targets/MSG Newsletter Subscription|here]] if you would like to receive future issues of this newsletter.
&lt;/div&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;margin-top:3px; padding:10px 10px 10px 20px; background:#fffff; border:2px solid #808080; border-radius:4px; font-size:100%;&quot;&gt; 

* '''Movement sustainability''': Wikimedia Foundation's annual sustainability report has been published. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A1&lt;/tvar&gt;|continue reading]])
* '''Improving user experience''': recent improvements on the desktop interface for Wikimedia projects. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A2|continue reading]])
* '''Safety and inclusion''': updates on the revision process of the Universal Code of Conduct Enforcement Guidelines. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A3|continue reading]])
* '''Equity in decisionmaking''': reports from Hubs pilots conversations, recent progress from the Movement Charter Drafting Committee, and a new white paper for futures of participation in the Wikimedia movement. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A4|continue reading]])
* '''Stakeholders coordination''': launch of a helpdesk for Affiliates and volunteer communities working on content partnership. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A5|continue reading]])
* '''Leadership development''': updates on leadership projects by Wikimedia movement organizers in Brazil and Cape Verde. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A6|continue reading]])
* '''Internal knowledge management''': launch of a new portal for technical documentation and community resources. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A7|continue reading]])
* '''Innovate in free knowledge''': high-quality audiovisual resources for scientific experiments and a new toolkit to record oral transcripts. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A8|continue reading]])
* '''Evaluate, iterate, and adapt''': results from the Equity Landscape project pilot ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A9|continue reading]])
*
'''Other news and updates''': a new forum to discuss Movement Strategy implementation, upcoming Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees election, a new podcast to discuss Movement Strategy, and change of personnel for the Foundation's Movement Strategy and Governance team. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A10|continue reading]])

&lt;/div&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;msg-newsletter&quot;/&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 22:59, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Announcing the six candidates for the Board of Trustees election ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi everyone,

The Affiliate Representatives have completed their voting period. The selected 2022 Board of Trustees candidates are:

* Tobechukwu Precious Friday ([[:m:User:Tochiprecious|Tochiprecious]])
* Farah Jack Mustaklem ([[:m:User:Fjmustak|Fjmustak]])
* Shani Evenstein Sigalov ([[:m:User:Esh77|Esh77]])
* Kunal Mehta ([[:m:User:Legoktm|Legoktm]])
* Michał Buczyński ([[:m:User:Aegis Maelstrom|Aegis Maelstrom]])
* Mike Peel ([[:m:User:Mike Peel|Mike Peel]])

You may see more information about the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Results]] and [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Stats|Statistics]] of this Board election.

The Affiliate organizations selected representatives to vote on behalf of the Affiliate organization. The Affiliate Representatives proposed questions for the candidates to answer in mid-June. These answers from candidates and the information provided from the Analysis Committee provided support for the representatives as they made their decision.

Please take a moment to appreciate the Affiliate Representatives and Analysis Committee members for taking part in this process and helping to grow the Board of Trustees in capacity and diversity. These hours of volunteer work connect us across understanding and perspective. Thank you for your participation.

Thank you to the community members who put themselves forward as candidates for the Board of Trustees. Considering joining the Board of Trustees is no small decision. The time and dedication candidates have shown to this point speaks to their commitment to this movement. Congratulations to those candidates who have been selected. A great amount of appreciation and gratitude for those candidates not selected. Please continue to share your leadership with Wikimedia.

What can voters do now?

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Review the results of the Affiliate selection process]].

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election|Read more here about the next steps in the 2022 Board of Trustee election]].

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''&lt;/translate&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 19:35, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Let's talk about the Desktop Improvements ==

[[File:Vector 2022 showing language menu with a blue menu trigger and blue menu items 01.jpg|thumb]]
Join an online meeting with the team working on the [[mw:Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements|Desktop Improvements]]! It will take place on '''26 July 2022 at [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1200 12:00 UTC] and [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1900 19:00 UTC]''' on Zoom. '''[https://wikimedia.zoom.us/j/5304280674 Click here to join]'''. Meeting ID: 5304280674. [https://wikimedia.zoom.us/u/kc2hamfYz9 Dial by your location].

[[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements/Updates/Talk to Web|Read more]]. See you! [[User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|SGrabarczuk (WMF)]] ([[User talk:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|talk]]) 16:19, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:SGrabarczuk_(WMF)/sandbox/MM/En_fallback&amp;oldid=23430301 --&gt;

== Vote for Election Compass Statements ==

:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]]''
:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Volunteers in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass/Statements|vote for statements to use in the Election Compass]]. You can vote for the statements you would like to see included in the Election Compass on Meta-wiki.

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

*&lt;s&gt;July 8 - 20: Volunteers propose statements for the Election Compass&lt;/s&gt;
*&lt;s&gt;July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements&lt;/s&gt;
*July 23 - August 3: Volunteers vote on the statements
*August 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements
*August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements
*August 16: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August


Best, 

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 17:20, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Names for cleanup categories ==

Hello,

I'm going to start localising a load of imported clean-up templates over the next few weeks, and I wanted some feedback from the community on what terminology to use for the associated categories. Some of these clean-up templates sort main space pages into categories of the form &quot;Articles needing foo&quot;, some of them sort them into categories of the form &quot;Wikiquote pages needing foo&quot; (and some templates have been half-localised and sort them into both!). What is the preferred terminology for these kind of pages? &quot;Article&quot; or &quot;Wikiquote pages&quot;? Just thought I'd get some feedback before editing dozens of templates and making dozens of categories. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Content in the main namespace can be &quot;articles&quot; for sure, especially if that makes it easier. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:04, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Thanks, that's really helpful. I'll make a start localising and cleaning up these templates so they don't sort pages into nonsense like [[:Category:Wikipedia external links cleanup]].
::There's one other template I'd like some feedback on, {{tl|cleanup}}. This template seems to have been hijacked and now does a completley different function to when it was a wikiquote specific one; it used to be for articles that didn't fit into any of the specific cleanup categories, now it's a generic &quot;tag everything&quot; type template. As it stands this template has been copied from the English Wikipedia and has a lot of complexity and features that don't make sense here. As I see it there are a few ways we could move forward with this template:
::# Roll it back to the old, wikiquote specific version
::# Try to localise the current template properly (I'm not keen on this, it is way too complex and has way too much subcategorization for a project of this size).
::# Try to simplify the new template to produce something that works well on this project.
::# Remake the template in the new style, but replicating the functionality of the old clean-up template as much as possible.
::There are also a couple of features of the new style template that I'd like to get some feedback on whether they're actually useful here, to start:
::# The new template asks you to submit a reason when tagging a page for cleanup, is this required on this project and is populating [[:Creating Category:Cleanup tagged articles without a reason field]] useful?
::# Is categorising pages by namespace useful? e.g. sorting pages into &quot;Wikiquote categories needing cleanup&quot;, &quot;Wikiquote templates needing cleanup&quot;, &quot;Wikiquote Articles needing cleanup&quot; etc? My gut feeling is no, given that there are less than 100 pages tagged in total.
::As you might be able to tell I'm a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do with {{tl|cleanup}}. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:43, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't think that this project is big or active enough to need to be sorted by namespace with cleanup templates. If you think it's best to revert back to how this template functioned back in April, then I support that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:56, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Thanks, I'll give it a few days to see if anyone else has any comments, if not I'll revert back to the old version of the template. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>6qnt7l5szjjamp7d6d197b0drh8413l</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Will Rogers</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>129</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150263</id>
      <parentid>3028140</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:57:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AC9016</username>
        <id>2870313</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes about Rogers */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="35362" xml:space="preserve">[[File:WillRogers.jpeg|thumb|right|I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.]]
'''[[w:Will Rogers|William Penn Adair Rogers]]''' ([[4 November]] [[1879]] – [[15 August]] [[1935]]) was an [[w:United States|American]] humorist and entertainer; known primarily as '''Will Rogers'''.

== Quotes ==
[[File:An Unwilling Hero (1921) - Ad 1.jpg|thumb|If you ever injected [[truth]] into [[politics]] you'd have no politics ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... [[Humanity]] is not yet ready for either [[real]] truth or real [[harmony]].]]
[[File:Will Rogers 1922.jpg|thumb|You [[know]] everybody is [[ignorant]], only on different subjects]]
[[File:Will Rogers and Wiley Post cph.3b05600.jpg|thumb|[[Heroes|Heroing]] is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.]]
[[File:WillRogersRopeHorsehoe.jpg|thumb|right|Half our [[life]] is spent trying to find something to do with the [[time]] we have rushed through life trying to save.]]

=== Weekly columns ===
:&lt;small&gt;Will Rogers launched a weekly, nationally syndicated newspaper column in December 1922. The column eventually became known as the &quot;Weekly Article&quot; and ran in each Sunday edition. Its inclusion in the ''New York Times'' gave it a national readership.&lt;/small&gt;&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/weekly_articles.html
| title = Weekly articles
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate= 31 January 2015
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''See they conducted experiments on convicts''' ... I don't know on what grounds they reason a man in jail is a bigger liar than one out of jail ... '''The chances are telling the truth is what got him there''' ... It would be a big aid to humanity,  it will never be, for already the politicians are up in arms against it ... '''It would wreck the very foundation on which our political government is run ... If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics''' ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... '''Humanity is not yet ready for either real truth or real harmony.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 31, ''A Few Shots of Scopolamin'' (15 July 1923), after meeting Robert E. House, who had proposed the use of [[w:Scopolamine|scopolamine]] as a [[w:Truth drug|truth serum]], in ''The Use of Scopolamine in Criminology'' (1922). &lt;ref name=columns1&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Harding/Coolidge Years, 1922-1925 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 1
| date=2009
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 42, ''Blames All Ills on Earthquake'' (1923). This became a remark Rogers often used in his public appearances. &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Papers say: &quot;Congress is deadlocked and can't act.&quot; I think that is the greatest blessing that could befall this country.'''
** Weekly Article #59, 1924-01-27

* '''You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 90, ''From Nuts To The Soup'' (31 August 1924); published in ''[http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F50A12F83D551B7A93C3AA1783D85F408285F9 The New York Times]'' &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 114, ''Monuments Are All Right But Even Heroes Must Eat'' (1925). &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

*'''I never met a man I didn't like.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Coolidge Years, 1925-1927 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 2
| date=2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''This election was lost four and five and six years ago not this year. They dident start thinking of the old common fellow till just as they started out on the election tour. The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover was an engineer. He knew that water trickled down. Put it uphill and let it go and it will reach the dryest little spot. But he dident know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow's hands. They saved the big banks but the little ones went up the flue.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 518, ''And Here's How It All Happened'' (1932), as published in the ''Tulsa Daily World,'' 5 December 1932.&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Gragert
| first= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 5
| pages = 184, 239
| date=1982, 2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-5.pdf
| accessdate=25 March 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

=== Daily telegrams ===
:&lt;small&gt;These short, daily columns were syndicated in 500 newspapers around the country. They were first published in the ''New York Times'' in July 1926 and continued until his death in August 1935. &lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/daily_telegrams.html
| title = Daily telegrams
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''When the Judgment Day comes civilization will have an alibi, &quot;I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.&quot;'''
** Daily Telegram #926, A General Digging Out Of Old War Contracts (15 July 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1929-1931
| volume = 2
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-2.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. '''Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* But it's just as Mr. Brisbane and I have been constantly telling you, '''&quot;Don't gamble&quot;; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.'''
** Daily Telegram #1063, Will Rogers Has An Idea About Disarmament Plans (22 December 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.'''
** Daily Telegram #1172, Will Rogers Sees No Value In All The Time We Save (28 April 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.'''
** Daily Telegram #1224, Rogers Offers His Version Of The Economic Situation (27 June 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.'''
** Daily Telegram #1230, Congress Session, Rogers Says, Is Like Baby Getting A Hammer (4 July 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.'''
** Daily Telegram #1355, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (26 November 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* I certainly know that '''[A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious''' and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then).
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933
| volume = 3
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-3.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

[[File:Rogers-Will-LOC.jpg|thumb|right|I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.]]

* '''I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.'''
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.''' 
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.'''
** Daily Telegram #1597, Will Rogers Finds Larnin' Spoils One For Real Work (4 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.'''
** Daily Telegram #1611, Mr. Rogers Thinks Its Time That A Smart Man Came Along (21 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* I am a peace man. I haven't got any use for wars and there is no more humor in 'em than there is reason for 'em.
** Daily Telegram (4 December 1931), as quoted in  ''Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams'' (1979), p. 104; also in ''Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers'' (1995) edited by Bryan B. Sterling and ‎Frances N. Sterling, p. 304

* '''I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother.'''
** Daily Telegram #1808, Mr. Rogers' Heart Goes Out To Our Envoy To St. James's  (10 May 1932) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=FB0A15FA3E5A13738DDDA80994DD405B828FF1D3 11 May 1932] &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
** Daily Telegram #1948, Will Rogers Favors Closing the Campaign Right Now and Letting The Boys Go Fishing (1 November 1932) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2159, Mr. Rogers Has An Idea How Conferences End (5 July 1933) &lt;ref name=telegram4&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Roosevelt Years, 1933-1935
| volume = 4
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-4.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* '''There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country, and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2615, Mr. Rogers Finds the Wars At Home and Afar Alike (23 December 1934) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9F02E2DB173CEE32A25757C2A9649D946594D6CF 24 December 1934] &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt; 

* '''Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2678, Mr. Rogers Takes Notice Of The Senatorial Storm (6 March 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

* '''We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2768, Mr. Rogers Puts Us Down As A Nation of Fleas (19 June 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

=== As quoted in ... ===
* '''No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.'''
** ''&quot;I Accept the Nomination&quot;'', [[w:Life (magazine)|Life magazine]], 31 May 1928[http://books.google.com/books?id=zuINAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22No+party+is+as+bad+as+its+state+and+national+leaders%22&amp;pg=PA8#v=onepage]

* '''advertising''' [...] '''makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want.'''
:* As the Connecticut Yankee Hank Morgan / Sir Boss in the 1931 film ''[[w:A Connecticut Yankee (film)|A Connecticut Yankee]]'' (after Mark Twain). Cf. Ivan G. Shreve Jr: [http://thrillingdaysofyesteryear.blogspot.de/2009/09/grey-market-cinema-connecticut-yankee.html ''Thrilling days of yesteryear'' blogspot.de/2009/09]. Also quoted in ''Printers' Ink'' magazine, volume 156, issue 1 (1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=-oULAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=arthur's p. 3 books.google] and ''Advertising Outdoors'' Vol. 2, No. 8 (August 1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=definitions p. 19], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=spend+money] = [http://www.forgottenbooks.com/readbook_text/Advertising_Outdoors_1000005193/373]

* '''The United States never lost a war or won a conference.'''
** Remark after the Versailles Peace Conference, as quoted in ''Wit and Wisdom'' (1936) edited by Jack Lait


* '''When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it.'''
** As quoted in ''Sanity Is Where You Find It : An affectionate history of the United States in the 20's and 30's'' (1955) edited by Donald Day.

* '''The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.'''
** As quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) by Herbert Victor Prochnow, p. 190

* '''The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.'''
** As quoted in ''The Image : A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America'' (1963) by Daniel Joseph Boorstein

* '''We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.'''
** As quoted in ''The Complete Speaker's Index to Selected Stories for Every Occasion'' (1967) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 16
** Variant: We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 240

* '''Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter — he's got to just know.'''
** As quoted in ''Ether and me; or &quot;Just relax.&quot;'' (1973)

* '''An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.'''
** As quoted in ''You Must Remember This'' (1975) by Walter Wagner, p. 175 

[[File:Seattle Mayor Charles L. Smith with Will Rogers, circa 1935.jpg|thumb|right|We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.]]

[[File:G.W. Bush delivers State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.]]

* '''An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.'''
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 258

* '''We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.'''
** Inscribed on the Will Rogers Memorial Building in Claremore, Oklahoma.
** Variants: '''We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.'''
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 285
** We are all here for a short spell; so get all the good laughs you can.
*** As quoted in ''Civilization's Quotations : Life's Ideal'' (2002) by Richard Alan Krieger, p. 69

* '''There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.''' &lt;small&gt; [[File:Wikiquote-logo.svg |11px|frameless]] [[:Image:Q 2007-11-04 Will Rogers.ogg|QOTD 2007·11·04 Sound file]]&lt;/small&gt;
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 524

* '''Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.'''
** As quoted in ''Land in America : Its Value, Use, and Control'' (1981) by Peter M. Wolf, p. 6
** Unsourced variant: Buy land, they aren't making any more of it.

* '''Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?'''
** As quoted in ''Dreams Come Due : Government and Economics as If Freedom Mattered'' (1986) by John Galt, p. 235

* '''What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.'''
** As quoted in ''Creative Leadership : Mining the Gold in Your Workforce'' (1998) by A. S. Migs Damiani, p. 168

* '''Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.'''
** As quoted in ''The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations'' (1998) by Connie Robertson

* '''Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.'''
** As quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* '''The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.'''
** As quoted in ''Defending Liars : In Defense of President Bush and the War on Terror in Iraq'' (2006) by Howard L. Salter, p. 40 &lt;!-- I am amazed that this is actually the earliest dated source I could as yet find for this with internet searching. It is a well known remark. --&gt;

* '''Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.'''
** As quoted in ''The Quotable Will Rogers'' (2006) by Joseph H. Carter

*'''The only problem with Boy Scouts is, there aren't enough of them.''' 
** As quoted in ''Giving young people a chance to grow'' (22 Nov 2011) &lt;ref&gt;
{{ cite news 
| last = Marks
| first = Linda 
| title = Giving young people a chance to grow
| url= http://www.perrytribune.com/community/article_19a33c04-8c22-5b7e-bd10-ba1a572bc6ac.html
| publisher = Perry County Tribune 
| date = 22 November 2011
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

=== ''The Illiterate Digest'' (1924) ===
[[File:Applesauce.jpg|thumb|right|I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.]]
[[File:Will Rogers Horse Sculpture.jpg|thumb|right|A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.]]

* '''The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.'''
** &quot;Breaking into the Writing Game&quot; &lt;!-- p. 28 --&gt;

* '''I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.''' &lt;!-- p. 30 --&gt;

* '''The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.''' Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
** &quot;Helping the Girls with their Income Taxes&quot; &lt;!-- p. 72 --&gt;

* '''Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.'''
* Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder &lt;!-- [sic] --&gt;Fades out of it.
** &quot;Warning to Jokers: Lay off the Prince&quot; &lt;!-- p. 131 --&gt;

* '''I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat.'''
** Humorous letter to Republican US President [[w:Warren Harding|Warren Harding]], facetiously offering to replace the American ambassador to the Court of St. James in England. &lt;!-- p. 172 --&gt; 

* '''The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.''' &lt;!-- p. 228 --&gt;

* '''Every Gag I tell must be based on truth.''' No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now '''Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.'''
** &quot;Politics Getting Ready to Jell&quot; &lt;!-- p. 265 --&gt;

* '''We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.''' &lt;!-- p. 318 --&gt;
** &quot;The World Tomorrow&quot; After the Manner of Great Journalists

* '''A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.'''
** &quot;A Skinny Dakota Kid Who Made Good&quot; &lt;!-- p. 337 --&gt;

=== ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.questia.com/library/book/will-rogers-ambassador-of-good-will-prince-of-wit-and-wisdom-by-p-j-obrien-lowell-thomas.jsp ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) by P. J. O'Brien]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Will Rogers.jpg|thumb|right|The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.]]

* '''So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, &quot;I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record.&quot; Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing.''' Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But '''with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.'''
** Ch. 9&lt;!-- chapter 9, pp. 156–57--&gt; 

* '''I am not a member of any ''organized'' party — I am a Democrat.'''
** Ch. 9 &lt;!-- chapter 9, p. 162 --&gt; &quot;Rogers was a lifelong Democrat but he studiously avoided partisanship. He contributed to the Democratic campaign funds, but at the same time he frequently appeared on benefit programs to raise money for the Republican treasury. Republican leaders sought his counsel in their campaigns as often as did the Democrats.&quot; ~ P. J. O'Brien &lt;!-- p. 162). --&gt;
** Variants: I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. &lt;br&gt; I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

* '''There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate.'''
** Variant: '''People often ask me, 'Will, where do you get your jokes?' I just tell 'em, 'Well, I watch the government and report the facts, that is all I do, and I don't even find it necessary to exaggerate.''' 
** Variant: '''I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.'''
*** As quoted in ''Saturday Review'' (25 August 1962)

=== ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949) ===
* There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education. &lt;!-- Ch. 6 --&gt;

* Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. &lt;!-- (November 1927) --&gt;

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. &lt;!-- Ch. 14 --&gt;

* '''When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do — well, that's Memoirs.''' &lt;!-- Ch. 16 --&gt;

=== ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Written by Paula McSpadden Love, a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.&lt;/small&gt;

* Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago. &lt;!-- p. 20 (1972) --&gt;

* '''When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: &quot;I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.&quot; I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.'''
** &quot;One of his most famous and most quoted remarks. First printed in the Boston Globe, June 16, 1930, after he had attended Tremont Temple Baptist Church, where Dr. James W. Brougher was minister. He asked Will to say a few words after the sermon. The papers were quick to pick up the remark, and it stayed with him the rest of his life. He also said it on various other occasions&quot; ~ Paula McSpadden Love &lt;!-- (p. 167) --&gt;
*** Variant: '''I joked about every prominent man in my lifetime, but I never met one I didn't like.'''
*** John D. [Rockefeller] sure carried out my old saying, ''' &quot;I never met a man I didn't like.&quot;''' Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2 /&gt;
***The earliest dated citation of such a remark thus far found in research for Wikiquote is the one from 1926 about [[Leon Trotsky]] from the ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926).

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.

=== Other ===
:&lt;small&gt;These quotations do not appear in the Will Rogers ''Weekly Articles'' or '' Daily Telegrams'' series of books published by the Oklahoma State University Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for '''I never yet met a man that I dident like'''. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of good in all of them.
** On [[Leon Trotsky]] ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926) - note that Rogers specifically spelled the word &quot;dident&quot;

* '''We can make this thing into a Party, instead of a Memory.'''
** Letter to Al Smith regarding the Democratic party (19 January 1929)

* '''We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.''' Radio broadcast, ''Bacon, Beans, and Limousines,'' October 18, 1931 {{YouTube|kyfvamwM4Yo|Bacons, Beans, and Limousines}}
** Quoted as 'We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.'in ''How We Elect Our Presidents'' (1952), edited by Donald Day, p. 111

* '''And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold 'em. They are just children thats never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to 'em, send candy.'''
** Advice sent to President-elect [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (2 December 1932)

* '''You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.'''
** ''Good Gulf'' radio show (24 June 1934)

* You've never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn't have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he '''got''' what he was praying for.
** radio broadcast (14 April 1935)

* That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says &quot;Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.&quot;
** radio broadcast (21 April 1935)

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* I am not so much concerned with the return on capital as I am with the return of capital.
** ''The Prudent Professor: Planning and Saving for a Worry-Free Retirement'' (2011) by Edwin M. Bridges, Brian D. Bridges;
** ''Forbes Guide to the Markets: Becoming a Savvy Investor'' (2009) by Forbes, LLC, Marc M. Groz
** ''The National Underwriter'', Volume 45 (1941), p. 12: &quot;As Eddie Cantor put it years ago, after getting burned in the stock market, the life insurance policyholder is more interested in the return of his money than in the return on it.&quot;

* Diplomacy is the art of being able to say &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have time to pick up a rock!
** Quote given unattributed in a 1953 issue of the ''Tennessee conservationist''
* Diplomacy is the same as saying &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have a chance to pick up a rock.
** Attributed to Francis Rodman, in volume 64 of ''The Reader's digest'' (1954)
** Other variants also attributed to Wynn Catlin in ''Kiss Me Hardy: Quotations Ancient and (Very) Modern'' (1982) by Roger Kilroy; and to Winston Churchill by Dick Applegate in a speech reprinted in Volume 75 of &quot;The Carpenter&quot; (1955)

* Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

* You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Rogers ==
[[File:WillRogerstomb.JPG|thumb|One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the [[world]]. By inclination, a [[great]] mixer. By [[instinct]], a hermit. ~ [[Spencer Tracy]] ]]

* Another popular humorist of the day was Will Rogers, who used to do an act where he'd twirl a lasso and absolutely slay his audiences with such wry observations as: &quot;The only thing I know is what I read in the papers.&quot; Ha-ha! Get it? Neither do we. Must have been something he did with the lasso.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 105

* '''America has never produced anybody quite like him, and there has rarely been an American humorist whose words produced less empty laughter or more sober thought.''' His interviews with [[Mussolini]] and [[w:Miguel Primo de Rivera|Primo de Rivera]] help to bear out his contention that European disarmament is a farce, and that the League of Nations is a piece of eyewash designed by some of the big powers to manipulate affairs to their own advantage. '''Perhaps Will Rogers has done more to educate the American public in world affairs than all the professors who have been elucidating the continental chaos since the Treaty of Versailles.'''
** [[w:John Carter (author)|John Carter]], in ''The New York Times'' (31 October 1926); also quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), p. 78-79

* In addition to my deep appreciation of his humor the first time that I fully realized Will Rogers' exceptional and deep understanding of political and social problems was when he came home from his European trip in 1926. While I had discussed European matters with many others, both American and foreign, '''Will Rogers' analysis of affairs abroad was not only more interesting but proved to be more accurate than any other I had heard.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* '''Will Rogers was America's most complete human document. He reflected in many ways the heartbeat of America.''' In thought and manner of appearance and in his daily life he was probably our most typical native born, the closest living approach to what we like to call the true American.
** [[Damon Runyon]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* There is a curious parallel between Will Rogers and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. '''They were rare figures whom we could call beloved with ease and without embarrassment.'''
** [[Carl Sandburg]], shortly after Roger's death, as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''The impact upon the people of America at the death of Will Rogers was similar to that produced by the death of Abraham Lincoln.'''
** [[w:Robert E. Sherwood|Robert Sherwood]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the world. By inclination, a great mixer. By instinct, a hermit.'''
** [[Spencer Tracy]], as quoted in  [http://tulsaworld.com/app/willrogers/quotes.html &quot;What others said&quot; at ''Tulsa World'']

==References==
{{reflist}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
* [http://www.willrogers.com/ Will Rogers Memorial Museums]
* [http://www.cmgww.com/historic/rogers/about/quotes.html Will Rogers Estate - Quotes pages]
* [http://ellensplace.net/philosph.html Will Rogers Tribute site]
* [http://okimc.org/newswire.php?story_id=665 Will Rogers, Radical]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogers, Will}}
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Comedians from the United States]]
[[Category:Humorists from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Columnists from the United States]]
[[Category:Radio personalities]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1928]]
[[Category:Native Americans]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:1879 births]]
[[Category:1935 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]

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      <text bytes="36023" xml:space="preserve">[[File:WillRogers.jpeg|thumb|right|I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.]]
'''[[w:Will Rogers|William Penn Adair Rogers]]''' ([[4 November]] [[1879]] – [[15 August]] [[1935]]) was an [[w:United States|American]] humorist and entertainer; known primarily as '''Will Rogers'''.

== Quotes ==
[[File:An Unwilling Hero (1921) - Ad 1.jpg|thumb|If you ever injected [[truth]] into [[politics]] you'd have no politics ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... [[Humanity]] is not yet ready for either [[real]] truth or real [[harmony]].]]
[[File:Will Rogers 1922.jpg|thumb|You [[know]] everybody is [[ignorant]], only on different subjects]]
[[File:Will Rogers and Wiley Post cph.3b05600.jpg|thumb|[[Heroes|Heroing]] is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.]]
[[File:WillRogersRopeHorsehoe.jpg|thumb|right|Half our [[life]] is spent trying to find something to do with the [[time]] we have rushed through life trying to save.]]

=== Weekly columns ===
:&lt;small&gt;Will Rogers launched a weekly, nationally syndicated newspaper column in December 1922. The column eventually became known as the &quot;Weekly Article&quot; and ran in each Sunday edition. Its inclusion in the ''New York Times'' gave it a national readership.&lt;/small&gt;&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/weekly_articles.html
| title = Weekly articles
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate= 31 January 2015
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''See they conducted experiments on convicts''' ... I don't know on what grounds they reason a man in jail is a bigger liar than one out of jail ... '''The chances are telling the truth is what got him there''' ... It would be a big aid to humanity,  it will never be, for already the politicians are up in arms against it ... '''It would wreck the very foundation on which our political government is run ... If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics''' ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... '''Humanity is not yet ready for either real truth or real harmony.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 31, ''A Few Shots of Scopolamin'' (15 July 1923), after meeting Robert E. House, who had proposed the use of [[w:Scopolamine|scopolamine]] as a [[w:Truth drug|truth serum]], in ''The Use of Scopolamine in Criminology'' (1922). &lt;ref name=columns1&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Harding/Coolidge Years, 1922-1925 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 1
| date=2009
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 42, ''Blames All Ills on Earthquake'' (1923). This became a remark Rogers often used in his public appearances. &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Papers say: &quot;Congress is deadlocked and can't act.&quot; I think that is the greatest blessing that could befall this country.'''
** Weekly Article #59, 1924-01-27

* '''You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 90, ''From Nuts To The Soup'' (31 August 1924); published in ''[http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F50A12F83D551B7A93C3AA1783D85F408285F9 The New York Times]'' &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 114, ''Monuments Are All Right But Even Heroes Must Eat'' (1925). &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

*'''I never met a man I didn't like.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Coolidge Years, 1925-1927 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 2
| date=2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''This election was lost four and five and six years ago not this year. They dident start thinking of the old common fellow till just as they started out on the election tour. The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover was an engineer. He knew that water trickled down. Put it uphill and let it go and it will reach the dryest little spot. But he dident know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow's hands. They saved the big banks but the little ones went up the flue.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 518, ''And Here's How It All Happened'' (1932), as published in the ''Tulsa Daily World,'' 5 December 1932.&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Gragert
| first= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 5
| pages = 184, 239
| date=1982, 2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-5.pdf
| accessdate=25 March 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

=== Daily telegrams ===
:&lt;small&gt;These short, daily columns were syndicated in 500 newspapers around the country. They were first published in the ''New York Times'' in July 1926 and continued until his death in August 1935. &lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/daily_telegrams.html
| title = Daily telegrams
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''When the Judgment Day comes civilization will have an alibi, &quot;I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.&quot;'''
** Daily Telegram #926, A General Digging Out Of Old War Contracts (15 July 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1929-1931
| volume = 2
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-2.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. '''Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* But it's just as Mr. Brisbane and I have been constantly telling you, '''&quot;Don't gamble&quot;; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.'''
** Daily Telegram #1063, Will Rogers Has An Idea About Disarmament Plans (22 December 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.'''
** Daily Telegram #1172, Will Rogers Sees No Value In All The Time We Save (28 April 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.'''
** Daily Telegram #1224, Rogers Offers His Version Of The Economic Situation (27 June 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.'''
** Daily Telegram #1230, Congress Session, Rogers Says, Is Like Baby Getting A Hammer (4 July 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.'''
** Daily Telegram #1355, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (26 November 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* I certainly know that '''[A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious''' and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then).
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933
| volume = 3
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-3.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

[[File:Rogers-Will-LOC.jpg|thumb|right|I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.]]

* '''I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.'''
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.''' 
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.'''
** Daily Telegram #1597, Will Rogers Finds Larnin' Spoils One For Real Work (4 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.'''
** Daily Telegram #1611, Mr. Rogers Thinks Its Time That A Smart Man Came Along (21 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* I am a peace man. I haven't got any use for wars and there is no more humor in 'em than there is reason for 'em.
** Daily Telegram (4 December 1931), as quoted in  ''Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams'' (1979), p. 104; also in ''Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers'' (1995) edited by Bryan B. Sterling and ‎Frances N. Sterling, p. 304

* '''I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother.'''
** Daily Telegram #1808, Mr. Rogers' Heart Goes Out To Our Envoy To St. James's  (10 May 1932) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=FB0A15FA3E5A13738DDDA80994DD405B828FF1D3 11 May 1932] &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
** Daily Telegram #1948, Will Rogers Favors Closing the Campaign Right Now and Letting The Boys Go Fishing (1 November 1932) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2159, Mr. Rogers Has An Idea How Conferences End (5 July 1933) &lt;ref name=telegram4&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Roosevelt Years, 1933-1935
| volume = 4
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-4.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* '''There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country, and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2615, Mr. Rogers Finds the Wars At Home and Afar Alike (23 December 1934) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9F02E2DB173CEE32A25757C2A9649D946594D6CF 24 December 1934] &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt; 

* '''Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2678, Mr. Rogers Takes Notice Of The Senatorial Storm (6 March 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

* '''We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2768, Mr. Rogers Puts Us Down As A Nation of Fleas (19 June 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

=== As quoted in ... ===
* '''No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.'''
** ''&quot;I Accept the Nomination&quot;'', [[w:Life (magazine)|Life magazine]], 31 May 1928[http://books.google.com/books?id=zuINAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22No+party+is+as+bad+as+its+state+and+national+leaders%22&amp;pg=PA8#v=onepage]

* '''advertising''' [...] '''makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want.'''
:* As the Connecticut Yankee Hank Morgan / Sir Boss in the 1931 film ''[[w:A Connecticut Yankee (film)|A Connecticut Yankee]]'' (after Mark Twain). Cf. Ivan G. Shreve Jr: [http://thrillingdaysofyesteryear.blogspot.de/2009/09/grey-market-cinema-connecticut-yankee.html ''Thrilling days of yesteryear'' blogspot.de/2009/09]. Also quoted in ''Printers' Ink'' magazine, volume 156, issue 1 (1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=-oULAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=arthur's p. 3 books.google] and ''Advertising Outdoors'' Vol. 2, No. 8 (August 1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=definitions p. 19], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=spend+money] = [http://www.forgottenbooks.com/readbook_text/Advertising_Outdoors_1000005193/373]

* '''The United States never lost a war or won a conference.'''
** Remark after the Versailles Peace Conference, as quoted in ''Wit and Wisdom'' (1936) edited by Jack Lait


* '''When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it.'''
** As quoted in ''Sanity Is Where You Find It : An affectionate history of the United States in the 20's and 30's'' (1955) edited by Donald Day.

* '''The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.'''
** As quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) by Herbert Victor Prochnow, p. 190

* '''The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.'''
** As quoted in ''The Image : A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America'' (1963) by Daniel Joseph Boorstein

* '''We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.'''
** As quoted in ''The Complete Speaker's Index to Selected Stories for Every Occasion'' (1967) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 16
** Variant: We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 240

* '''Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter — he's got to just know.'''
** As quoted in ''Ether and me; or &quot;Just relax.&quot;'' (1973)

* '''An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.'''
** As quoted in ''You Must Remember This'' (1975) by Walter Wagner, p. 175 

[[File:Seattle Mayor Charles L. Smith with Will Rogers, circa 1935.jpg|thumb|right|We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.]]

[[File:G.W. Bush delivers State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.]]

* '''An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.'''
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 258

* '''We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.'''
** Inscribed on the Will Rogers Memorial Building in Claremore, Oklahoma.
** Variants: '''We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.'''
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 285
** We are all here for a short spell; so get all the good laughs you can.
*** As quoted in ''Civilization's Quotations : Life's Ideal'' (2002) by Richard Alan Krieger, p. 69

* '''There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.''' &lt;small&gt; [[File:Wikiquote-logo.svg |11px|frameless]] [[:Image:Q 2007-11-04 Will Rogers.ogg|QOTD 2007·11·04 Sound file]]&lt;/small&gt;
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 524

* '''Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.'''
** As quoted in ''Land in America : Its Value, Use, and Control'' (1981) by Peter M. Wolf, p. 6
** Unsourced variant: Buy land, they aren't making any more of it.

* '''Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?'''
** As quoted in ''Dreams Come Due : Government and Economics as If Freedom Mattered'' (1986) by John Galt, p. 235

* '''What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.'''
** As quoted in ''Creative Leadership : Mining the Gold in Your Workforce'' (1998) by A. S. Migs Damiani, p. 168

* '''Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.'''
** As quoted in ''The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations'' (1998) by Connie Robertson

* '''Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.'''
** As quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* '''The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.'''
** As quoted in ''Defending Liars : In Defense of President Bush and the War on Terror in Iraq'' (2006) by Howard L. Salter, p. 40 &lt;!-- I am amazed that this is actually the earliest dated source I could as yet find for this with internet searching. It is a well known remark. --&gt;

* '''Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.'''
** As quoted in ''The Quotable Will Rogers'' (2006) by Joseph H. Carter

*'''The only problem with Boy Scouts is, there aren't enough of them.''' 
** As quoted in ''Giving young people a chance to grow'' (22 Nov 2011) &lt;ref&gt;
{{ cite news 
| last = Marks
| first = Linda 
| title = Giving young people a chance to grow
| url= http://www.perrytribune.com/community/article_19a33c04-8c22-5b7e-bd10-ba1a572bc6ac.html
| publisher = Perry County Tribune 
| date = 22 November 2011
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

=== ''The Illiterate Digest'' (1924) ===
[[File:Applesauce.jpg|thumb|right|I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.]]
[[File:Will Rogers Horse Sculpture.jpg|thumb|right|A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.]]

* '''The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.'''
** &quot;Breaking into the Writing Game&quot; &lt;!-- p. 28 --&gt;

* '''I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.''' &lt;!-- p. 30 --&gt;

* '''The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.''' Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
** &quot;Helping the Girls with their Income Taxes&quot; &lt;!-- p. 72 --&gt;

* '''Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.'''
* Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder &lt;!-- [sic] --&gt;Fades out of it.
** &quot;Warning to Jokers: Lay off the Prince&quot; &lt;!-- p. 131 --&gt;

* '''I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat.'''
** Humorous letter to Republican US President [[w:Warren Harding|Warren Harding]], facetiously offering to replace the American ambassador to the Court of St. James in England. &lt;!-- p. 172 --&gt; 

* '''The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.''' &lt;!-- p. 228 --&gt;

* '''Every Gag I tell must be based on truth.''' No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now '''Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.'''
** &quot;Politics Getting Ready to Jell&quot; &lt;!-- p. 265 --&gt;

* '''We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.''' &lt;!-- p. 318 --&gt;
** &quot;The World Tomorrow&quot; After the Manner of Great Journalists

* '''A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.'''
** &quot;A Skinny Dakota Kid Who Made Good&quot; &lt;!-- p. 337 --&gt;

=== ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.questia.com/library/book/will-rogers-ambassador-of-good-will-prince-of-wit-and-wisdom-by-p-j-obrien-lowell-thomas.jsp ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) by P. J. O'Brien]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Will Rogers.jpg|thumb|right|The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.]]

* '''So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, &quot;I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record.&quot; Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing.''' Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But '''with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.'''
** Ch. 9&lt;!-- chapter 9, pp. 156–57--&gt; 

* '''I am not a member of any ''organized'' party — I am a Democrat.'''
** Ch. 9 &lt;!-- chapter 9, p. 162 --&gt; &quot;Rogers was a lifelong Democrat but he studiously avoided partisanship. He contributed to the Democratic campaign funds, but at the same time he frequently appeared on benefit programs to raise money for the Republican treasury. Republican leaders sought his counsel in their campaigns as often as did the Democrats.&quot; ~ P. J. O'Brien &lt;!-- p. 162). --&gt;
** Variants: I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. &lt;br&gt; I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

* '''There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate.'''
** Variant: '''People often ask me, 'Will, where do you get your jokes?' I just tell 'em, 'Well, I watch the government and report the facts, that is all I do, and I don't even find it necessary to exaggerate.''' 
** Variant: '''I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.'''
*** As quoted in ''Saturday Review'' (25 August 1962)

=== ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949) ===
* There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education. &lt;!-- Ch. 6 --&gt;

* Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. &lt;!-- (November 1927) --&gt;

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. &lt;!-- Ch. 14 --&gt;

* '''When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do — well, that's Memoirs.''' &lt;!-- Ch. 16 --&gt;

=== ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Written by Paula McSpadden Love, a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.&lt;/small&gt;

* Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago. &lt;!-- p. 20 (1972) --&gt;

* '''When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: &quot;I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.&quot; I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.'''
** &quot;One of his most famous and most quoted remarks. First printed in the Boston Globe, June 16, 1930, after he had attended Tremont Temple Baptist Church, where Dr. James W. Brougher was minister. He asked Will to say a few words after the sermon. The papers were quick to pick up the remark, and it stayed with him the rest of his life. He also said it on various other occasions&quot; ~ Paula McSpadden Love &lt;!-- (p. 167) --&gt;
*** Variant: '''I joked about every prominent man in my lifetime, but I never met one I didn't like.'''
*** John D. [Rockefeller] sure carried out my old saying, ''' &quot;I never met a man I didn't like.&quot;''' Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2 /&gt;
***The earliest dated citation of such a remark thus far found in research for Wikiquote is the one from 1926 about [[Leon Trotsky]] from the ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926).

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.

=== Other ===
:&lt;small&gt;These quotations do not appear in the Will Rogers ''Weekly Articles'' or '' Daily Telegrams'' series of books published by the Oklahoma State University Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for '''I never yet met a man that I dident like'''. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of good in all of them.
** On [[Leon Trotsky]] ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926) - note that Rogers specifically spelled the word &quot;dident&quot;

* '''We can make this thing into a Party, instead of a Memory.'''
** Letter to Al Smith regarding the Democratic party (19 January 1929)

* '''We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.''' Radio broadcast, ''Bacon, Beans, and Limousines,'' October 18, 1931 {{YouTube|kyfvamwM4Yo|Bacons, Beans, and Limousines}}
** Quoted as 'We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.'in ''How We Elect Our Presidents'' (1952), edited by Donald Day, p. 111

* '''And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold 'em. They are just children thats never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to 'em, send candy.'''
** Advice sent to President-elect [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (2 December 1932)

* '''You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.'''
** ''Good Gulf'' radio show (24 June 1934)

* You've never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn't have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he '''got''' what he was praying for.
** radio broadcast (14 April 1935)

* That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says &quot;Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.&quot;
** radio broadcast (21 April 1935)

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* I am not so much concerned with the return on capital as I am with the return of capital.
** ''The Prudent Professor: Planning and Saving for a Worry-Free Retirement'' (2011) by Edwin M. Bridges, Brian D. Bridges;
** ''Forbes Guide to the Markets: Becoming a Savvy Investor'' (2009) by Forbes, LLC, Marc M. Groz
** ''The National Underwriter'', Volume 45 (1941), p. 12: &quot;As Eddie Cantor put it years ago, after getting burned in the stock market, the life insurance policyholder is more interested in the return of his money than in the return on it.&quot;

* Diplomacy is the art of being able to say &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have time to pick up a rock!
** Quote given unattributed in a 1953 issue of the ''Tennessee conservationist''
* Diplomacy is the same as saying &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have a chance to pick up a rock.
** Attributed to Francis Rodman, in volume 64 of ''The Reader's digest'' (1954)
** Other variants also attributed to Wynn Catlin in ''Kiss Me Hardy: Quotations Ancient and (Very) Modern'' (1982) by Roger Kilroy; and to Winston Churchill by Dick Applegate in a speech reprinted in Volume 75 of &quot;The Carpenter&quot; (1955)

* Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

* You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Rogers ==
[[File:WillRogerstomb.JPG|thumb|One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the [[world]]. By inclination, a [[great]] mixer. By [[instinct]], a hermit. ~ [[Spencer Tracy]] ]]

* Another popular humorist of the day was Will Rogers, who used to do an act where he'd twirl a lasso and absolutely slay his audiences with such wry observations as: &quot;The only thing I know is what I read in the papers.&quot; Ha-ha! Get it? Neither do we. Must have been something he did with the lasso.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 105

* '''America has never produced anybody quite like him, and there has rarely been an American humorist whose words produced less empty laughter or more sober thought.''' His interviews with [[Mussolini]] and [[w:Miguel Primo de Rivera|Primo de Rivera]] help to bear out his contention that European disarmament is a farce, and that the League of Nations is a piece of eyewash designed by some of the big powers to manipulate affairs to their own advantage. '''Perhaps Will Rogers has done more to educate the American public in world affairs than all the professors who have been elucidating the continental chaos since the Treaty of Versailles.'''
** [[w:John Carter (author)|John Carter]], in ''The New York Times'' (31 October 1926); also quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* He helped steady millions of drifting people, not only financially through his charity campaigns and his own large personal gifts which he always tried to hide from public knowledge, but mentally and morally as well through the ability to lift people, guide them, make them laugh, and then make them think. Presidents, cowboys, financiers, kings, show people, children- he knew and liked them all and all were genuinely sorry when he died. I think- because of this personal trait which Lincoln had- that Will Rogers is one of the very greatest men who ever lived.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), foreword

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), p. 78-79

* In addition to my deep appreciation of his humor the first time that I fully realized Will Rogers' exceptional and deep understanding of political and social problems was when he came home from his European trip in 1926. While I had discussed European matters with many others, both American and foreign, '''Will Rogers' analysis of affairs abroad was not only more interesting but proved to be more accurate than any other I had heard.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* '''Will Rogers was America's most complete human document. He reflected in many ways the heartbeat of America.''' In thought and manner of appearance and in his daily life he was probably our most typical native born, the closest living approach to what we like to call the true American.
** [[Damon Runyon]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* There is a curious parallel between Will Rogers and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. '''They were rare figures whom we could call beloved with ease and without embarrassment.'''
** [[Carl Sandburg]], shortly after Roger's death, as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''The impact upon the people of America at the death of Will Rogers was similar to that produced by the death of Abraham Lincoln.'''
** [[w:Robert E. Sherwood|Robert Sherwood]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the world. By inclination, a great mixer. By instinct, a hermit.'''
** [[Spencer Tracy]], as quoted in  [http://tulsaworld.com/app/willrogers/quotes.html &quot;What others said&quot; at ''Tulsa World'']

==References==
{{reflist}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
* [http://www.willrogers.com/ Will Rogers Memorial Museums]
* [http://www.cmgww.com/historic/rogers/about/quotes.html Will Rogers Estate - Quotes pages]
* [http://ellensplace.net/philosph.html Will Rogers Tribute site]
* [http://okimc.org/newswire.php?story_id=665 Will Rogers, Radical]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogers, Will}}
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Comedians from the United States]]
[[Category:Humorists from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Columnists from the United States]]
[[Category:Radio personalities]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1928]]
[[Category:Native Americans]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:1879 births]]
[[Category:1935 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]

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      <text bytes="38386" xml:space="preserve">[[File:WillRogers.jpeg|thumb|right|I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.]]
'''[[w:Will Rogers|William Penn Adair Rogers]]''' ([[4 November]] [[1879]] – [[15 August]] [[1935]]) was an [[w:United States|American]] humorist and entertainer; known primarily as '''Will Rogers'''.

== Quotes ==
[[File:An Unwilling Hero (1921) - Ad 1.jpg|thumb|If you ever injected [[truth]] into [[politics]] you'd have no politics ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... [[Humanity]] is not yet ready for either [[real]] truth or real [[harmony]].]]
[[File:Will Rogers 1922.jpg|thumb|You [[know]] everybody is [[ignorant]], only on different subjects]]
[[File:Will Rogers and Wiley Post cph.3b05600.jpg|thumb|[[Heroes|Heroing]] is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.]]
[[File:WillRogersRopeHorsehoe.jpg|thumb|right|Half our [[life]] is spent trying to find something to do with the [[time]] we have rushed through life trying to save.]]

=== Weekly columns ===
:&lt;small&gt;Will Rogers launched a weekly, nationally syndicated newspaper column in December 1922. The column eventually became known as the &quot;Weekly Article&quot; and ran in each Sunday edition. Its inclusion in the ''New York Times'' gave it a national readership.&lt;/small&gt;&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/weekly_articles.html
| title = Weekly articles
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate= 31 January 2015
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''See they conducted experiments on convicts''' ... I don't know on what grounds they reason a man in jail is a bigger liar than one out of jail ... '''The chances are telling the truth is what got him there''' ... It would be a big aid to humanity,  it will never be, for already the politicians are up in arms against it ... '''It would wreck the very foundation on which our political government is run ... If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics''' ... Even the ministers are denouncing it now ... '''Humanity is not yet ready for either real truth or real harmony.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 31, ''A Few Shots of Scopolamin'' (15 July 1923), after meeting Robert E. House, who had proposed the use of [[w:Scopolamine|scopolamine]] as a [[w:Truth drug|truth serum]], in ''The Use of Scopolamine in Criminology'' (1922). &lt;ref name=columns1&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Harding/Coolidge Years, 1922-1925 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 1
| date=2009
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 42, ''Blames All Ills on Earthquake'' (1923). This became a remark Rogers often used in his public appearances. &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Papers say: &quot;Congress is deadlocked and can't act.&quot; I think that is the greatest blessing that could befall this country.'''
** Weekly Article #59, 1924-01-27

* '''You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 90, ''From Nuts To The Soup'' (31 August 1924); published in ''[http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F50A12F83D551B7A93C3AA1783D85F408285F9 The New York Times]'' &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

* '''Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 114, ''Monuments Are All Right But Even Heroes Must Eat'' (1925). &lt;ref name=columns1 /&gt;

*'''I never met a man I didn't like.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first= James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Coolidge Years, 1925-1927 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 2
| date=2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-1.pdf
| accessdate=31 January 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* '''This election was lost four and five and six years ago not this year. They dident start thinking of the old common fellow till just as they started out on the election tour. The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover was an engineer. He knew that water trickled down. Put it uphill and let it go and it will reach the dryest little spot. But he dident know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow's hands. They saved the big banks but the little ones went up the flue.'''
** Nationally syndicated column number 518, ''And Here's How It All Happened'' (1932), as published in the ''Tulsa Daily World,'' 5 December 1932.&lt;ref&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Gragert
| first= Steven
| title=Will Rogers' Weekly Columns, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933 
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| volume = 5
| pages = 184, 239
| date=1982, 2010
| url=http://www.willrogers.com/papers/weekly/WA-Vol-5.pdf
| accessdate=25 March 2015
| work = The Will Rogers Memorial Museum
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

=== Daily telegrams ===
:&lt;small&gt;These short, daily columns were syndicated in 500 newspapers around the country. They were first published in the ''New York Times'' in July 1926 and continued until his death in August 1935. &lt;ref&gt;
{{cite web
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/daily_telegrams.html
| title = Daily telegrams
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''When the Judgment Day comes civilization will have an alibi, &quot;I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.&quot;'''
** Daily Telegram #926, A General Digging Out Of Old War Contracts (15 July 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1929-1931
| volume = 2
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-2.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. '''Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* But it's just as Mr. Brisbane and I have been constantly telling you, '''&quot;Don't gamble&quot;; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.'''
** Daily Telegram #1019, Thoughts Of Will Rogers On The Late Slumps In Stocks (31 October 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.'''
** Daily Telegram #1063, Will Rogers Has An Idea About Disarmament Plans (22 December 1929) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.'''
** Daily Telegram #1172, Will Rogers Sees No Value In All The Time We Save (28 April 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.'''
** Daily Telegram #1224, Rogers Offers His Version Of The Economic Situation (27 June 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.'''
** Daily Telegram #1230, Congress Session, Rogers Says, Is Like Baby Getting A Hammer (4 July 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* '''We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.'''
** Daily Telegram #1355, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (26 November 1930) &lt;ref name=telegram2 /&gt;

* I certainly know that '''[A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious''' and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then).
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Hoover Years, 1931-1933
| volume = 3
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-3.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

[[File:Rogers-Will-LOC.jpg|thumb|right|I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.]]

* '''I not only &quot;don't choose to run&quot; but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't &quot;choose&quot;. I will say &quot;won't run&quot; no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.'''
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.''' 
** Daily Telegram #1538, The First Good News of the 1928 Campaign! Mr. Rogers Says He Will Not Run For Anything (28 June 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.'''
** Daily Telegram #1597, Will Rogers Finds Larnin' Spoils One For Real Work (4 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.'''
** Daily Telegram #1611, Mr. Rogers Thinks Its Time That A Smart Man Came Along (21 September 1931) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* I am a peace man. I haven't got any use for wars and there is no more humor in 'em than there is reason for 'em.
** Daily Telegram (4 December 1931), as quoted in  ''Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams'' (1979), p. 104; also in ''Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers'' (1995) edited by Bryan B. Sterling and ‎Frances N. Sterling, p. 304

* '''I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother.'''
** Daily Telegram #1808, Mr. Rogers' Heart Goes Out To Our Envoy To St. James's  (10 May 1932) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=FB0A15FA3E5A13738DDDA80994DD405B828FF1D3 11 May 1932] &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
** Daily Telegram #1948, Will Rogers Favors Closing the Campaign Right Now and Letting The Boys Go Fishing (1 November 1932) &lt;ref name=telegram3 /&gt;

* '''I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2159, Mr. Rogers Has An Idea How Conferences End (5 July 1933) &lt;ref name=telegram4&gt;
{{cite book
| last = Smallwood
| first = James
| last2 = Gragert
| first2 = Steven
| title = Will Roger's Daily Telegrams, The Roosevelt Years, 1933-1935
| volume = 4
| publisher = Will Rogers Memorial Museums
| date = 2008
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
| url = http://www.willrogers.com/papers/daily/DT-Vol-4.pdf
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

* '''There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country, and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2615, Mr. Rogers Finds the Wars At Home and Afar Alike (23 December 1934) in [[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]], [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9F02E2DB173CEE32A25757C2A9649D946594D6CF 24 December 1934] &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt; 

* '''Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2678, Mr. Rogers Takes Notice Of The Senatorial Storm (6 March 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

* '''We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.'''
** Daily Telegram number 2768, Mr. Rogers Puts Us Down As A Nation of Fleas (19 June 1935) &lt;ref name=telegram4 /&gt;

=== As quoted in ... ===
* '''No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.'''
** ''&quot;I Accept the Nomination&quot;'', [[w:Life (magazine)|Life magazine]], 31 May 1928[http://books.google.com/books?id=zuINAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22No+party+is+as+bad+as+its+state+and+national+leaders%22&amp;pg=PA8#v=onepage]

* '''advertising''' [...] '''makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want.'''
:* As the Connecticut Yankee Hank Morgan / Sir Boss in the 1931 film ''[[w:A Connecticut Yankee (film)|A Connecticut Yankee]]'' (after Mark Twain). Cf. Ivan G. Shreve Jr: [http://thrillingdaysofyesteryear.blogspot.de/2009/09/grey-market-cinema-connecticut-yankee.html ''Thrilling days of yesteryear'' blogspot.de/2009/09]. Also quoted in ''Printers' Ink'' magazine, volume 156, issue 1 (1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=-oULAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=arthur's p. 3 books.google] and ''Advertising Outdoors'' Vol. 2, No. 8 (August 1931), [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=definitions p. 19], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rZcXAQAAMAAJ&amp;q=spend+money] = [http://www.forgottenbooks.com/readbook_text/Advertising_Outdoors_1000005193/373]

* '''The United States never lost a war or won a conference.'''
** Remark after the Versailles Peace Conference, as quoted in ''Wit and Wisdom'' (1936) edited by Jack Lait


* '''When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it.'''
** As quoted in ''Sanity Is Where You Find It : An affectionate history of the United States in the 20's and 30's'' (1955) edited by Donald Day.

* '''The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.'''
** As quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) by Herbert Victor Prochnow, p. 190

* '''The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.'''
** As quoted in ''The Image : A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America'' (1963) by Daniel Joseph Boorstein

* '''We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.'''
** As quoted in ''The Complete Speaker's Index to Selected Stories for Every Occasion'' (1967) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 16
** Variant: We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 240

* '''Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter — he's got to just know.'''
** As quoted in ''Ether and me; or &quot;Just relax.&quot;'' (1973)

* '''An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.'''
** As quoted in ''You Must Remember This'' (1975) by Walter Wagner, p. 175 

[[File:Seattle Mayor Charles L. Smith with Will Rogers, circa 1935.jpg|thumb|right|We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.]]

[[File:G.W. Bush delivers State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.]]

* '''An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.'''
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 258

* '''We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.'''
** Inscribed on the Will Rogers Memorial Building in Claremore, Oklahoma.
** Variants: '''We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.'''
*** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 285
** We are all here for a short spell; so get all the good laughs you can.
*** As quoted in ''Civilization's Quotations : Life's Ideal'' (2002) by Richard Alan Krieger, p. 69

* '''There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.''' &lt;small&gt; [[File:Wikiquote-logo.svg |11px|frameless]] [[:Image:Q 2007-11-04 Will Rogers.ogg|QOTD 2007·11·04 Sound file]]&lt;/small&gt;
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 524

* '''Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.'''
** As quoted in ''Land in America : Its Value, Use, and Control'' (1981) by Peter M. Wolf, p. 6
** Unsourced variant: Buy land, they aren't making any more of it.

* '''Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?'''
** As quoted in ''Dreams Come Due : Government and Economics as If Freedom Mattered'' (1986) by John Galt, p. 235

* '''What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.'''
** As quoted in ''Creative Leadership : Mining the Gold in Your Workforce'' (1998) by A. S. Migs Damiani, p. 168

* '''Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.'''
** As quoted in ''The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations'' (1998) by Connie Robertson

* '''Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.'''
** As quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299

* '''The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.'''
** As quoted in ''Defending Liars : In Defense of President Bush and the War on Terror in Iraq'' (2006) by Howard L. Salter, p. 40 &lt;!-- I am amazed that this is actually the earliest dated source I could as yet find for this with internet searching. It is a well known remark. --&gt;

* '''Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.'''
** As quoted in ''The Quotable Will Rogers'' (2006) by Joseph H. Carter

*'''The only problem with Boy Scouts is, there aren't enough of them.''' 
** As quoted in ''Giving young people a chance to grow'' (22 Nov 2011) &lt;ref&gt;
{{ cite news 
| last = Marks
| first = Linda 
| title = Giving young people a chance to grow
| url= http://www.perrytribune.com/community/article_19a33c04-8c22-5b7e-bd10-ba1a572bc6ac.html
| publisher = Perry County Tribune 
| date = 22 November 2011
| accessdate = 31 January 2015
}} &lt;/ref&gt;

=== ''The Illiterate Digest'' (1924) ===
[[File:Applesauce.jpg|thumb|right|I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.]]
[[File:Will Rogers Horse Sculpture.jpg|thumb|right|A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.]]

* '''The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.'''
** &quot;Breaking into the Writing Game&quot; &lt;!-- p. 28 --&gt;

* '''I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.''' &lt;!-- p. 30 --&gt;

* '''The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.''' Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
** &quot;Helping the Girls with their Income Taxes&quot; &lt;!-- p. 72 --&gt;

* '''Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.'''
* Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder &lt;!-- [sic] --&gt;Fades out of it.
** &quot;Warning to Jokers: Lay off the Prince&quot; &lt;!-- p. 131 --&gt;

* '''I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat.'''
** Humorous letter to Republican US President [[w:Warren Harding|Warren Harding]], facetiously offering to replace the American ambassador to the Court of St. James in England. &lt;!-- p. 172 --&gt; 

* '''The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.''' &lt;!-- p. 228 --&gt;

* '''Every Gag I tell must be based on truth.''' No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now '''Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.'''
** &quot;Politics Getting Ready to Jell&quot; &lt;!-- p. 265 --&gt;

* '''We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.''' &lt;!-- p. 318 --&gt;
** &quot;The World Tomorrow&quot; After the Manner of Great Journalists

* '''A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.'''
** &quot;A Skinny Dakota Kid Who Made Good&quot; &lt;!-- p. 337 --&gt;

=== ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.questia.com/library/book/will-rogers-ambassador-of-good-will-prince-of-wit-and-wisdom-by-p-j-obrien-lowell-thomas.jsp ''Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom'' (1935) by P. J. O'Brien]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Will Rogers.jpg|thumb|right|The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.]]

* '''So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, &quot;I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record.&quot; Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing.''' Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But '''with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.'''
** Ch. 9&lt;!-- chapter 9, pp. 156–57--&gt; 

* '''I am not a member of any ''organized'' party — I am a Democrat.'''
** Ch. 9 &lt;!-- chapter 9, p. 162 --&gt; &quot;Rogers was a lifelong Democrat but he studiously avoided partisanship. He contributed to the Democratic campaign funds, but at the same time he frequently appeared on benefit programs to raise money for the Republican treasury. Republican leaders sought his counsel in their campaigns as often as did the Democrats.&quot; ~ P. J. O'Brien &lt;!-- p. 162). --&gt;
** Variants: I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. &lt;br&gt; I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

* '''There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate.'''
** Variant: '''People often ask me, 'Will, where do you get your jokes?' I just tell 'em, 'Well, I watch the government and report the facts, that is all I do, and I don't even find it necessary to exaggerate.''' 
** Variant: '''I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.'''
*** As quoted in ''Saturday Review'' (25 August 1962)

=== ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949) ===
* There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education. &lt;!-- Ch. 6 --&gt;

* Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. &lt;!-- (November 1927) --&gt;

* You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. &lt;!-- Ch. 14 --&gt;

* '''When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do — well, that's Memoirs.''' &lt;!-- Ch. 16 --&gt;

=== ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Written by Paula McSpadden Love, a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.&lt;/small&gt;

* Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago. &lt;!-- p. 20 (1972) --&gt;

* '''When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: &quot;I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.&quot; I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.'''
** &quot;One of his most famous and most quoted remarks. First printed in the Boston Globe, June 16, 1930, after he had attended Tremont Temple Baptist Church, where Dr. James W. Brougher was minister. He asked Will to say a few words after the sermon. The papers were quick to pick up the remark, and it stayed with him the rest of his life. He also said it on various other occasions&quot; ~ Paula McSpadden Love &lt;!-- (p. 167) --&gt;
*** Variant: '''I joked about every prominent man in my lifetime, but I never met one I didn't like.'''
*** John D. [Rockefeller] sure carried out my old saying, ''' &quot;I never met a man I didn't like.&quot;''' Nationally syndicated column number 219, ''Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King'' (1927). &lt;ref name=columns2 /&gt;
***The earliest dated citation of such a remark thus far found in research for Wikiquote is the one from 1926 about [[Leon Trotsky]] from the ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926).

* I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.

=== Other ===
:&lt;small&gt;These quotations do not appear in the Will Rogers ''Weekly Articles'' or '' Daily Telegrams'' series of books published by the Oklahoma State University Press.&lt;/small&gt; 

* I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for '''I never yet met a man that I dident like'''. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of good in all of them.
** On [[Leon Trotsky]] ''Saturday Evening Post'' (6 November 1926) - note that Rogers specifically spelled the word &quot;dident&quot;

* '''We can make this thing into a Party, instead of a Memory.'''
** Letter to Al Smith regarding the Democratic party (19 January 1929)

* '''We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.''' Radio broadcast, ''Bacon, Beans, and Limousines,'' October 18, 1931 {{YouTube|kyfvamwM4Yo|Bacons, Beans, and Limousines}}
** Quoted as 'We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.'in ''How We Elect Our Presidents'' (1952), edited by Donald Day, p. 111

* '''And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold 'em. They are just children thats never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to 'em, send candy.'''
** Advice sent to President-elect [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] (2 December 1932)

* '''You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.'''
** ''Good Gulf'' radio show (24 June 1934)

* You've never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn't have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he '''got''' what he was praying for.
** radio broadcast (14 April 1935)

* That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says &quot;Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.&quot;
** radio broadcast (21 April 1935)

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* I am not so much concerned with the return on capital as I am with the return of capital.
** ''The Prudent Professor: Planning and Saving for a Worry-Free Retirement'' (2011) by Edwin M. Bridges, Brian D. Bridges;
** ''Forbes Guide to the Markets: Becoming a Savvy Investor'' (2009) by Forbes, LLC, Marc M. Groz
** ''The National Underwriter'', Volume 45 (1941), p. 12: &quot;As Eddie Cantor put it years ago, after getting burned in the stock market, the life insurance policyholder is more interested in the return of his money than in the return on it.&quot;

* Diplomacy is the art of being able to say &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have time to pick up a rock!
** Quote given unattributed in a 1953 issue of the ''Tennessee conservationist''
* Diplomacy is the same as saying &quot;nice doggie&quot; until you have a chance to pick up a rock.
** Attributed to Francis Rodman, in volume 64 of ''The Reader's digest'' (1954)
** Other variants also attributed to Wynn Catlin in ''Kiss Me Hardy: Quotations Ancient and (Very) Modern'' (1982) by Roger Kilroy; and to Winston Churchill by Dick Applegate in a speech reprinted in Volume 75 of &quot;The Carpenter&quot; (1955)

* Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

* You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Rogers ==
[[File:WillRogerstomb.JPG|thumb|One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the [[world]]. By inclination, a [[great]] mixer. By [[instinct]], a hermit. ~ [[Spencer Tracy]] ]]

* Another popular humorist of the day was Will Rogers, who used to do an act where he'd twirl a lasso and absolutely slay his audiences with such wry observations as: &quot;The only thing I know is what I read in the papers.&quot; Ha-ha! Get it? Neither do we. Must have been something he did with the lasso.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 105

* '''America has never produced anybody quite like him, and there has rarely been an American humorist whose words produced less empty laughter or more sober thought.''' His interviews with [[Mussolini]] and [[w:Miguel Primo de Rivera|Primo de Rivera]] help to bear out his contention that European disarmament is a farce, and that the League of Nations is a piece of eyewash designed by some of the big powers to manipulate affairs to their own advantage. '''Perhaps Will Rogers has done more to educate the American public in world affairs than all the professors who have been elucidating the continental chaos since the Treaty of Versailles.'''
** [[w:John Carter (author)|John Carter]], in ''The New York Times'' (31 October 1926); also quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* He helped steady millions of drifting people, not only financially through his charity campaigns and his own large personal gifts which he always tried to hide from public knowledge, but mentally and morally as well through the ability to lift people, guide them, make them laugh, and then make them think. Presidents, cowboys, financiers, kings, show people, children- he knew and liked them all and all were genuinely sorry when he died. I think- because of this personal trait which Lincoln had- that Will Rogers is one of the very greatest men who ever lived.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, foreword

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 78-79

* Although honors were thrust upon Will Rogers thick and fast, he always had the good judgment to refuse those he felt he had no business accepting. In 1938, a presidential boom for which he was in no way responsible, arose. The Rogers County Democratic convention started it and soon it had spread everywhere. But Will himself quickly blocked it. &quot;I certainly know that a comedian can last only till he either takes himself seriously or his audience takes him seriously,&quot; he said, &quot;and I don't want either one of those to happen to me till I'm read- if then. So let's stop all this foolishness right now.&quot; Another time he was offered an honorary degree by the Oklahoma City University, but he refused it. &quot;This honorary degree thing is hooey,&quot; he said. &quot;I got too much respect for people who work and earn 'em to see 'em handed around to every notorious character.&quot; His unusual stand was praised by newspapers and magazines everywhere.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 251-252

* As Will Rogers' popularity and earning capacity increased, his contributions to charities, both public and private, increased also. Although it is hard to obtain information on this phase of his life, because of his quietness and secrecy about it, it is known that he gave hundreds to newsboys' homes, maternity homes, hospitals for crippled children, and other institutions like nature. During the World War he gave hundreds of dollars to the Red Cross each month, and later, in 1927, he was made a life member of this organization, a distinction of which he was very proud, for he loved the Red Cross and the work it was doing.&lt;br&gt;Eddie Cantor, the actor, once declared: &quot;Will Rogers had Carnegie and both the Rockefellers backed off the boards in comparison. He is always giving and never telling. How much he gives away only Bill himself really can tell- and I doubt that he keeps any books on it. But I'm a poor guesser if it is less than fifty thousand dollars a year. And he'll up and deny it right, left and center, if you accuse him of it.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 252-253

* In addition to my deep appreciation of his humor the first time that I fully realized Will Rogers' exceptional and deep understanding of political and social problems was when he came home from his European trip in 1926. While I had discussed European matters with many others, both American and foreign, '''Will Rogers' analysis of affairs abroad was not only more interesting but proved to be more accurate than any other I had heard.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day, Ch. 20, p. 195

* '''Will Rogers was America's most complete human document. He reflected in many ways the heartbeat of America.''' In thought and manner of appearance and in his daily life he was probably our most typical native born, the closest living approach to what we like to call the true American.
** [[Damon Runyon]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* There is a curious parallel between Will Rogers and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. '''They were rare figures whom we could call beloved with ease and without embarrassment.'''
** [[Carl Sandburg]], shortly after Roger's death, as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''The impact upon the people of America at the death of Will Rogers was similar to that produced by the death of Abraham Lincoln.'''
** [[w:Robert E. Sherwood|Robert Sherwood]], as quoted in ''Will Rogers : A Biography'' (1962) by Donald Day

* '''One of the best-known and one of the least-known men in the world. By inclination, a great mixer. By instinct, a hermit.'''
** [[Spencer Tracy]], as quoted in  [http://tulsaworld.com/app/willrogers/quotes.html &quot;What others said&quot; at ''Tulsa World'']

==References==
{{reflist}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}} 
* [http://www.willrogers.com/ Will Rogers Memorial Museums]
* [http://www.cmgww.com/historic/rogers/about/quotes.html Will Rogers Estate - Quotes pages]
* [http://ellensplace.net/philosph.html Will Rogers Tribute site]
* [http://okimc.org/newswire.php?story_id=665 Will Rogers, Radical]


{{DEFAULTSORT:Rogers, Will}}
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Comedians from the United States]]
[[Category:Humorists from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Columnists from the United States]]
[[Category:Radio personalities]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1928]]
[[Category:Native Americans]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:1879 births]]
[[Category:1935 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]

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      <text bytes="99781" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Richard M. Nixon, ca. 1935 - 1982 - NARA - 530679.jpg|thumb|The greatest honor history can bestow is the title of peacemaker.]]
[[File:Nixon 30-0316a.jpg|thumb|When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal.]]
'''[[w:Richard Nixon|Richard Milhous Nixon]]''' ([[9 January]] [[1913]] – [[22 April]] [[1994]]) was the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|37th president of the United States]], serving from 1969 to 1974, when he became the only president to resign the office. Nixon had previously served as a [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] U.S. [[w:United States House of Representatives|representative]] and [[w:United States Senate|senator]] from California and as the [[w:List of vice presidents of the United States|36th vice president of the United States]] from 1953 to 1961.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Nixon_edited_transcripts.jpg|thumb|In the world today, there are not many good choices—only choices between the half-good and the less half-good.]]
[[File:President_Nixon_meets_with_China's_Communist_Party_Leader,_Mao_Tse-_Tung,_02-29-1972_-_NARA_-_194759.tif|thumb|right|Being controversial in politics is inevitable. If an individual wants to be a leader and isn't controversial, that means he never stood for anything.]]

=== 1950s ===
* This administration has proved that it is utterly incapable of cleaning out the corruption which has completely eroded it and reestablishing the confidence and faith of the American people in the morality and honesty of their government employees.
** Nixon as Senator, speaking of the [[Harry Truman|Truman]] administration in 1951, as quoted in [http://www.findbookprices.com/detail/0803893477 ''Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts'' (1992), p.&amp;nbsp;338]

* Isn't it better to talk about the relative merits of washing machines than the relative strength of rockets? Isn't this the kind of competition you want?
** Remarks to Soviet premier [[Nikita Krushchev]] during the [[w:Kitchen Debate|Kitchen Debate]] (24 July 1959)

* Now, some may ask why we don't get rid of the bases, since the Soviet Government declares today that it has only peaceful intentions. The answer is that whenever the fear and suspicions that caused us and our Allies to take measures for collective self-defense are removed, the reason for our maintaining bases will be removed. In other words, the only possible solution of this problem lies in mutual, rather than unilateral action leading toward disarmament. 
** Remarks during a radio address in Moscow, quoted in [http://www.upi.com/Audio/Year_in_Review/Events-of-1959/Death-of-John-Foster-Dulles/12295509433704-3/#title &quot;1959 Year In Review: Death of John Foster Dulles,&quot;] ''UPI.com'' (1959)

==== [[w:Checkers speech|Checkers speech]] (1952) ====
[[File:Checkers speech.jpg|thumb|The kids, like all kids, love the [[dog]] and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/nixon-checkers.htm Checkers speech (23 September 1952)] · [[File:Checkersspeechaudio.ogg]]&lt;/small&gt; 

*&lt;p&gt;That's what we have and that's what we owe. It isn't very much but Pat and I have the satisfaction that every dime that we've got is honestly ours. '''I should say this — that Pat doesn't have a mink coat. But she does have a respectable Republican cloth coat. And I always tell her that she'd look good in anything.'''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;One other thing I probably should tell you because if we don't they'll probably be saying this about me too, we did get something — a gift — after the election. A man down in Texas heard Pat on the radio mention the fact that our two youngsters would like to have a dog. And, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was. It was a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate that he'd sent all the way from Texas. Black and white spotted. '''And our little girl — Tricia, the 6-year old — named it Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the dog and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it.'''&lt;/p&gt;

*&lt;p&gt;Well, then, some of you will say, and rightly, &quot;Well, what did you use the fund for, Senator? Why did you have to have it?&quot; Let me tell you in just a word how a Senate office operates. First of all, a Senator gets $15,000 a year in salary. He gets enough money to pay for one trip a year, a round trip, that is, for himself, and his family between his home and Washington, DC. And then he gets an allowance to handle the people that work in his office to handle his mail. And the allowance for my State of California, is enough to hire 13 people. And let me say, incidentally, that that allowance is not paid to the Senator. It is paid directly to the individuals that the Senator puts on his payroll. But all of these people and all of these allowances are for strictly official business; business, for example, when a constituent writes in and wants you to go down to the Veteran's Administration and get some information about his GI policy — items of that type, for example. But there are other expenses that are not covered by the Government. And I think I can best discuss those expenses by asking you some questions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you think that when I or any other senator makes a political speech, has it printed, should charge the printing of that speech and the mailing of that speech to the taxpayers? Do you think, for example, when I or any other Senator makes a trip to his home State to make a purely political speech that the cost of that trip should be charged to the taxpayers? Do you think when a Senator makes political broadcasts or political television broadcasts, radio or television, that the expense of those broadcasts should be charged to the taxpayers? Well I know what your answer is. It's the same answer that audiences give me whenever I discuss this particular problem: The answer is no. The taxpayers shouldn't be required to finance items which are not official business but which are primarily political business.&lt;/p&gt;

=== 1960s ===
* If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world, the Lloyd Shopping Center right here?
** {{cite web |url=https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/excerpts-from-remarks-vice-president-richard-nixon-lloyd-center-portland-or |title=Excerpts From Remarks by Vice President Richard Nixon, Lloyd Center, Portland, OR |date=September 13, 1960 |website=presidency.ucsb.edu |accessdate=May 20, 2021 }}

* I leave you gentleman now. You will now write it; you will interpret it; that's your right. But as I leave you I want you to know.... just think how much you're going to be missing. '''You don't have Nixon to kick around any more''', because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference, and I hope that what I have said today will at least make television, radio, the press recognize that they have a right and a responsibility, if they're against a candidate give him the shaft, but also recognize if they give him the shaft, put one lonely reporter on the campaign who'll report what the candidate says now and then. Thank you, gentlemen, and good day.
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RMSb-tS_OM Press conference after losing the election for Governor of California (November 7, 1962)]; most reports used an official &quot;Transcript of Nixon's News Conference on His Defeat by Brown in Race for Governor of California&quot;, as published in &quot;The New York Times&quot; (November 8, 1962), p.&amp;nbsp;18, also used in ''RN : The Memoirs of Richard Nixon'' (1978) and most published accounts which ended &quot;You don't have Nixon to kick around any more because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference and it will be one in which I have welcomed the opportunity to test wits with you.&quot;

* Do you want to make a point or do you want to make a change? do you want to get something off your chest, or do you want to get something done?
** {{cite book |url=https://books.google.de/books?id=uXRx5hGm8zYC&amp;pg=PA17 |chapter=Campaign speech in Michigan (1968) |page=17 |title=The History of Third Parties |first=Vicki |last=Cox |accessdate=May 21, 2021 }}

* Sock it to ''me''?
** Cameo appearance on ''[[w:Rowan &amp; Martin's Laugh-In|Rowan &amp; Martin's Laugh-In]]'' (16 September 1968)

* A man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits.
** 1969 note to self, as quoted in ''Nixon'' (1987) by Stephen E. Ambrose, p. 284

* Hello, [[Neil Armstrong|Neil]] and [[Buzz Aldrin|Buzz]]. I'm talking to you by telephone from the Oval Room at the White House. And this certainly has to be the most historic telephone call ever made. For every American this has to be the proudest day of our lives. And for people all over the world I am sure they, too, join with Americans in recognizing what a feat this is. Because of what you have done, the heavens have become a part of man's world. As you talk to us from the Sea of Tranquility, it inspires us to redouble our efforts to bring peace and tranquility to Earth. For one priceless moment, in the whole history of man, all the people on this Earth are truly one.
** Telephone message from the Oval office to [[Neil Armstrong]] and [[Buzz Aldrin]] on the Moon. (20 July 1969)

* [[w:North Vietnam|North Vietnam]] cannot defeat or humiliate the United States. Only Americans can do that.
** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=2303&amp;st=&amp;st1= Address to the Nation on the War in Vietnam (3 November 1969)]

==== What Has Happened to America? (1967) ====
[[File:ThoreauBust.jpg|thumb|Our opinion-makers have gone too far in promoting the doctrine that when a law is broken, society, not the criminal is to blame. Our teachers, preachers, and politicians have gone too far in advocating the idea that each individual should determine what laws are good and what laws are bad, and that he then should obey the law he likes and disobey the law he dislikes.]]
[[File:Replica of Thoreau's cabin near Walden Pond and his statue.jpg|thumb|Men of intellectual and moral eminence who encourage public disobedience of the law are responsible for the acts of those who inevitably follow their counsel: the poor, the ignorant and the impressionable. For example, to the professor objecting to de facto segregation, it may be crystal clear where civil disobedience may begin and where it must end. But the boundaries have become fluid to his students and other listeners. Today in the urban slums, the limits of responsible action are all but invisible.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.wadsworth.com/history_d/templates/student_resources/0030724791_ayers/sources/ch29/29.4.nixon.html &quot;What Has Happened to America?&quot; ''Reader's Digest'' (October 1967)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of the United States (Pantone).svg|thumb|In a [[civilized]] [[nation]] no man can excuse his [[crime]] against the [[person]] or [[property]] of another by claiming that he, too, has been a victim of injustice. To tolerate that is to invite [[anarchy]].]]

* Riots were also the most virulent symptoms to date of another, and in some ways graver, national disorder — the decline in respect for public authority and the rule of law in America. Far from being a great society, our is becoming a lawless society.

* Our opinion-makers have gone too far in promoting the doctrine that when a law is broken, society, not the criminal is to blame. Our teachers, preachers, and politicians have gone too far in advocating the idea that each individual should determine what laws are good and what laws are bad, and that he then should obey the law he likes and disobey the law he dislikes.

* Men of intellectual and moral eminence who encourage public disobedience of the law are responsible for the acts of those who inevitably follow their counsel: the poor, the ignorant and the impressionable. For example, to the professor objecting to de facto segregation, it may be crystal clear where civil disobedience may begin and where it must end. But the boundaries have become fluid to his students and other listeners. Today in the urban slums, the limits of responsible action are all but invisible.

* There can be no right to revolt in this society; no right to demonstrate outside the law, and, in [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s words, 'no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law'. '''In a civilized nation no man can excuse his crime against the person or property of another by claiming that he, too, has been a victim of injustice. To tolerate that is to invite anarchy'''.

==== First Inaugural Address (1969) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/presiden/inaug/nixon1.htm First Inaugural Address (20 January 1969)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Each moment in history is a fleeting time, precious and unique. But some stand out as moments of beginning, in which courses are set that shape decades or centuries. &lt;br /&gt; This can be such a moment. &lt;br /&gt; Forces now are converging that make possible, for the first time, the hope that many of man's deepest aspirations can at last be realized. The spiraling pace of change allows us to contemplate, within our own lifetime, advances that once would have taken centuries. &lt;br /&gt; In throwing wide the horizons of space, we have discovered new horizons on earth. &lt;br /&gt; For the first time, because the people of the world want peace, and the leaders of the world are afraid of war, the times are on the side of peace.

* The American dream does not come to those who fall asleep.

* What kind of nation we will be, what kind of world we will live in, whether we shape the future in the image of our hopes, is ours to determine by our actions and our choices. &lt;br /&gt; '''The greatest honor history can bestow is the title of peacemaker.''' This honor now beckons America — the chance to help lead the world at last out of the valley of turmoil, and onto that high ground of peace that man has dreamed of since the dawn of civilization. &lt;br /&gt; If we succeed, generations to come will say of us now living that we mastered our moment, that we helped make the world safe for mankind. &lt;br /&gt; This is our summons to greatness.
** &quot;The greatest honor history can bestow is the title of peacemaker&quot; was later used as Nixon's epitaph.

=== 1970s ===
* I would rather be a one-term President and do what I believe is right than to be a two-term President at the cost of seeing America become a second-rate power and to see this Nation accept the first defeat in its proud 190-year history.
** Address to the nation on the situation in Southeast Asia (30 April 1970); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Richard Nixon, 1970'', p.&amp;nbsp;410

* If, when the chips are down, the world's most powerful nation, the United States of America, acts like a pitiful, helpless giant, the forces of totalitarianism and anarchy will threaten free nations and free institutions throughout the world.
** Address to the nation on the situation in Southeast Asia (April 30, 1970); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Richard Nixon, 1970'', p.&amp;nbsp;409

* You think of those kids out there. I say kids. I have seen them. They are the greatest. You see these bums, you know, blowing up the campuses. Listen, the boys that are on the college campuses today are the luckiest people in the world, going to the greatest universities, and here they are burning up the books, I mean storming around about this issue — I mean you name it — get rid of the war; there will be another one. Out there we've got kids who are just doing their duty. I have seen them. They stand tall, and they are proud. I am sure they are scared. I was when I was there. But when it really comes down to it, they stand up and, boy, you have to talk up to those men. And they are going to do fine; we've got to stand back of them.
** Informal conversation with one of a group of employees who had gathered in a corridor to greet him at the Pentagon (May 1, 1970), reported in ''The Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Richard Nixon, 1970'', p. 417, footnote 1.

* They always put me in the field where the ball wasn't going to be hit.
** Speaking with {{w|Lindsey Nelson}} prior to the {{w|1970 MLB All-Star Game}}, as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=rB0cAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=MFEEAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=5655%2C5208019 &quot;The Press Box: Roberto's Reverse&quot;] by Roy McHugh, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (15 July 1970)

* 1 in 10 chance perhaps, but save Chile! worth spending; not concerned; no involvement of embassy; $10,000,000 available, more if necessary; full-time job — best men we have; game plan; make the economy scream; 48 hours for plan of action.
** Notes taken down by CIA director [[w:Richard Helms|Richard Helms]] on Nixon's orders for a plan against [[Salvador Allende]] of Chile. (15 September 1970); [http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB8/ch26-01.htm Document reproduced as part of George Washington University's National Security Archive.]&lt;!--Accessed online September 22, 2006--&gt;

* There is an international disease which feeds on the notion that if you have a cause to defend, you can use any means to further your cause, since the end justifies the means. As an international community, we must oppose this notion, whether it be in Canada, in the United States, or anywhere else. No cause justifies violence as long as the system provides for change by peaceful means. 
** Speech on the [[w:October Crisis|October Crisis]] (October 1970), quoted in Louis, Fournier, ''F.L.Q: The Anatomy of an Underground movement'' (Toronto: NC Press Limited, 1984), p.&amp;nbsp;256

* {{Anchor|Keynesian}}I am now a [[John Maynard Keynes|Keynesian]] in economics.
** Just after a broadcast interview with four newsmen (6 January 1971), according to Howard K. Smith, one of the interviewers. [http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=awpdAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=916,487551 &quot;Nixon Has Shifted to Ideas of Keyness: ABC Commentator&quot;]

* The Jewish cabal is out to get me.
** A remark repeated by Nixon several times in private conversations (''c.'' 1971) as quoted in ''[[w:The Final Days|The Final Days]]'' by [[w:Bob Woodward|Bob Woodward]]

* You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists.
** Statement (26 May 1971) as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20060614124156/http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5079259/site/newsweek/ ''Newsweek'' (27 May 2004)]

* Many Jews in the Communist conspiracy. [[Whittaker Chambers|Chambers]] and [[w:Alger Hiss|Hiss]] were the only non-Jews. Many thought that Hiss was. He could have been a half. Every other one was a Jew — and it raised hell for us. But in this case, I hope to God he's not a Jew.
** Nixon, Haldeman, and Ronald Ziegler, 2:42-3:33 P.M. Oval Office Conversation #524-7; cassette #775 (17 June 1971)

* So few of those who engage in espionage are Negroes. In fact, very few of them become Communists. If they do, they like, they get into [[Angela Davis]] — they're more the capitalist type. And they throw bombs and this and that. But the Negroes — have you ever noticed any Negro spies?
** Nixon, Haldeman, and Ziegler, 4:03 P.M., Oval Office Conversation #537-4; cassette #876 (5 July 1971)

*I think of what happened to Greece and Rome, and you see what is left—only the pillars. What has happened, of course, is that the great civilizations of the past, as they have become wealthy, as they have lost their will to live, to improve, they then have become subject to decadence that eventually destroys the civilization. The United States is now reaching that period. 
** [https://www.nixonfoundation.org/2011/07/rn-on-american-decline/ Address to senior mid-western media executives in Kansas City, Mo] (July 6, 1971)    
 
*At the present time, I will simply say in raising these problems, I don’t raise them in any sense of defeatism; I don’t raise them in the usual sense of pointing out that the United States is a country torn by division, alienation, that this is truly an ugly country, because I don’t believe that. I honestly believe that the United States, in its preeminent position of world leadership, has in its hands the future of peace in the world this last third of the century. I honestly believe that the United States has the destiny to play a great role, but I also know we cannot play it unless this is a healthy land, with a healthy government, a healthy citizenry, a healthy economy, and above all, the moral and spiritual health that can only come from the hearts of people and their minds, and that will only come as people are reassured from time to time, as we discuss our faults and as we correct our faults, reassured. Keep them in balance. 
** [https://www.nixonfoundation.org/2011/07/rn-on-american-decline/ Address to senior mid-western media executives in Kansas City, Mo] (July 6, 1971)

* We must protect the dollar from the attacks of international money speculators. ... I have directed Secretary Connally to suspend temporarily the convertibility of the American dollar [for gold] ... Let me lay to rest the bugaboo of what is called devaluation. ... Your dollar will be worth just as much tomorrow as it is today.
** ''[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-nation-outlining-new-economic-policy-the-challenge-peace The Challenge of Peace]'': Nixon's televised address imposing a new economic policy (15 August 1971), which ended the [[w:Bretton Woods system|Bretton Woods]] monetary system, and initiated the &quot;[[w:Nixon shock|Nixon shock]]&quot;.

* The Jews are irreligious, atheistic, immoral bunch of bastards.
** Nixon to [[w:Bob Haldeman|Bob Haldeman]] (1 February 1972) as quoted in [http://www.counterpunch.org/alexgraham.html ''Counterpunch'' (12 March 2002)]

* When you get in these people when you...get these people in, say: 'Look, the problem is that this will open the whole, the whole [[w:Bay of Pigs|Bay of Pigs]] thing, and the President just feels that' ah, without going into the details... don't, don't lie to them to the extent to say there is no involvement, but just say this is sort of a comedy of errors, bizarre, without getting into it, 'the President believes that it is going to open the whole Bay of Pigs thing up again.' And, ah because these people are plugging for, for keeps and that they should call the FBI in and say that we wish for the country, don't go any further into this case, period! 
** The 'smoking gun tape' on (23 June 1972)

* We are faced this year with the choice between the &quot;work ethic&quot; that built this Nation's character and the new &quot;welfare ethic&quot; that could cause that American character to weaken.
** ''[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=3557 Labor Day Message to the nation]'' (3 September 1972)

* The average American is just like the child in the family. You give him some responsibility and he is going to amount to something. He is going to do something. If, on the other hand, you make him completely dependent and pamper him and cater to him too much, you are going to make him soft, spoiled and eventually a very weak individual.
** Post-re-election interview with Garnett D. Horner, ''The Washington Star-News'' (9 November 1972), p.&amp;nbsp;1.

* I've just recognized that, you know, all people have certain traits. ... The Jews have certain traits. The Irish have certain — for example, the Irish can't drink. What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I've known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish. ... The Italians, of course, those people course don't have their heads screwed on tight. They are wonderful people, but ...The Jews are just a very aggressive and abrasive and obnoxious personality.
:* Conversation with Charles W. Colson, [http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/flash/national/20101211_NIXON_AUDIO/2_TYPES.mp3 Feb. 13, 1973], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/us/politics/11nixon.html &quot;In Tapes, Nixon Rails About Jews and Blacks&quot;], by Adam Nagourney, ''New York Times'' (10 December 2010)

* Bill Rogers has got — to his credit it's a decent feeling — but somewhat sort of a blind spot on the black thing because he's been in New York. He says well, 'They are coming along, and that after all they are going to strengthen our country in the end because they are strong physically and some of them are smart.' So forth and so on. My own view is I think he's right if you're talking in terms of 500 years. &lt;br /&gt; What has to happen is they have to be, frankly, inbred. And, you just, that's the only thing that's going to do it, Rose.
** Conversation with secretary Rose Mary Woods [http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/flash/national/20101211_NIXON_AUDIO/3_VIETNAM.mp3 on tapes recorded February-March 1973] on tapes recorded February-March 1973; as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/us/politics/11nixon.html &quot;In Tapes, Nixon Rails About Jews and Blacks&quot;], by Adam Nagourney, ''New York Times'' (10 December 2010); with [http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/flash/national/20101211_NIXON_AUDIO/4_BLACKS.mp3 sound recording].

* What it is, is it's the insecurity. It's the latent insecurity. Most Jewish people are insecure. And that's why they have to prove things.
** Conversation on Jewish aides [http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/flash/national/20101211_NIXON_AUDIO/1_INFERIORITY.mp3 as quoted on tapes recorded February-March 1973] [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/us/politics/11nixon.html &quot;In Tapes, Nixon Rails About Jews and Blacks&quot;], by Adam Nagourney, ''New York Times'' (10 December 2010)

* I didn't notice many Jewish names coming back from Vietnam on any of those lists; I don't know how the hell they avoid it.If you look at the Canadian-Swedish contingent, they were very disproportionately Jewish. The deserters
** Conversation with Mr. Colson, [http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/flash/national/20101211_NIXON_AUDIO/3_VIETNAM.mp3 on tapes recorded February-March 1973]; as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/11/us/politics/11nixon.html &quot;In Tapes, Nixon Rails About Jews and Blacks&quot;], by Adam Nagourney,''New York Times'' (10 December 2010)

* If you are going to lie, you go to jail for the lie rather than the crime. So believe me, don't ever lie.
** To [[w:John Dean|John Dean]] in [http://books.google.com/?id=JpRAAAAAIAAJ&amp;dq=%22If+you+are+going+to+lie+you+go+to+jail+for+the+lie+rather+than+the+crime+So+believe+me+don't+ever+lie%22&amp;pg=PA42 April 1973]. Dean was due to testify before the [[w:United States Senate Watergate Committee|Senate Watergate Committee]], which he did on 25 June 1973.

* I want to say this to the television audience. I made my mistakes, but in all of my years of public life, I have never profited, never profited from public service. I have earned every cent. And in all of my years of public life, I have never obstructed justice. And I think, too, that I can say that in my years of public life, that I welcome this kind of examination because people have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook. I've earned everything I've got.
** Televised press conference with 400 Associated Press Managing Editors at Walt Disney World, Florida. (17 November 1973)
**Often transcribed as &quot;I am not a crook.&quot;
**[http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=245830047 'I Am Not A Crook': How A Phrase Got A Life Of Its Own], on National Public Radio

* I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it, let them plead the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution#Self-incrimination|Fifth Amendment]], cover up or anything else, if it'll save it, save this plan. That's the whole point. We're going to protect our people if we can.
** Statement to Haldeman, in tapes ordered released for the trial of [[w:H. R. Haldeman|Haldeman]], [[w:John Ehrlichman|Ehrlichman]] and [[w:John N. Mitchell|Mitchell]]

* And I want you to know that I have no intention whatever of ever walking away from the job that the people elected me to do for the people of the United States.
** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=4327 State of the Union Address (30 January 1974)]

* Now, when individuals read the entire transcript of the [March] 21st [1973] meeting, or hear the entire tape, where we discussed all these options, they may reach different interpretations, but I know what I meant, and I know also what I did.
** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=4377 News Conference (6 March 1974)]

* I recognize that this additional material I am now furnishing may further damage my case.
** After the court-ordered release of the White House tapes (5 August 1974)

* To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President I must put the interests of America first. America needs a full-time President and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad. 
** Resignation Speech (8 August 1974)

* '''I have never been a quitter.'''
** Resignation Address to the Union (8 August 1974)

* The greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes; because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain. Always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember: Others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win, unless you hate them. And then, you destroy yourself.
** Speech to the assembled White House staff before his final departure (9 August 1974)

* '''Oh, when the President does it, that means that it is not illegal.'''
** Interview with [[w:David Frost|David Frost]] (19 May 1977); printed in ''The New York Times'' (20 May 1977), p.&amp;nbsp;A16; also in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100407013816/http://www.landmarkcases.org:80/nixon/nixonview.html &quot;Nixon's Views on Presidential Power: Excerpts from an Interview with David Frost [Archive&amp;#93;&quot;], referring to the [[w:Huston Plan|Huston Plan]] and views of presidential authority.

* I call it the Madman Theory, Bob. I want the North Vietnamese to believe I've reached the point where I might do anything to stop the war. We'll just slip the word to them that, for God's sake, you know Nixon is obsessed about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry and he has his hand on the nuclear button and [[Ho Chi Minh]] himself will be in Paris in two days begging for peace.
** As quoted in ''The Ends of Power'' (1978) by Robert Haldeman p.&amp;nbsp;83

* Being controversial in politics is inevitable. If an individual wants to be a leader and isn't controversial, that means he never stood for anything. In the world today, there are not many good choices — only choices between the half-good and the less half-good. 
** Cited in Nick Thimmesch's &quot;An interview with Nixon: 'Defeated, but not finished'&quot; (''Chicago Tribune'' (11 December 1978)

*I wouldn't put out a statement praising it, but we're not going to condemn it either. [Nixon's comment about the atrocities and genocide committed by the West Pakistan government against Bangladesh during the [[Bangladesh Liberation War]]]
** Foreign Relations, 1969-1976, Volume XI, South Asia Crisis, 1971, [https://2001-2009.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/nixon/xi/45650.htm], and The Blood Telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a Forgotten Genocide by Gary J. Bass

* Someone is saying we are contemplating sending aid to help the Pakistani refugees. I hope to hell we’re not.
**FRUS, Nixon-Haig telcon, 29 April 1971, p. 99.     quoted in Bass, G. J. (2014). The Blood telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a forgotten genocide.
==== Tape transcripts (1971) ====
[[File:Flag of the UNIA.svg|thumb|I have the greatest affection for [[w:African American|them]], but I know they're not going to make it for 500 years. They aren't. You know it, too.]]
[[File:Flag of Mexico (1934-1968).svg|thumb|The [[Mexico|Mexicans]] are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they [[steal]], they're [[dishonest]], but they do have some concept of [[family]] life. They don't live like a bunch of [[dogs]].]]

* I have the greatest affection for them but I know they're not going to make it for 500 years. They aren't. You know it, too. The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they're dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don't live like a bunch of dogs, which the Negroes do live like. 

* [[w:All in the Family|&quot;Archie's Guys.&quot;]] Archie is sitting here with his hippie son-in-law, married to the screwball daughter. The son-in-law apparently goes both ways. This guy. He's obviously queer — wears an ascot — but not offensively so. Very clever. Uses nice language. Shows pictures of his parents. And so Arch goes down to the bar. Sees his best friend, who used to play professional football. Virile, strong, this and that. Then the fairy comes into the bar. I don't mind the homosexuality. I understand it. [...] Nevertheless, goddamn, I don't think you glorify it on public television, homosexuality, even more than you glorify whores. We all know we have weaknesses. But, goddammit, what do you think that does to kids? You know what happened to the Greeks! Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle was a homo. We all know that. So was Socrates. 
**&lt;small&gt;  14 seconds of this tape were censored for privacy reasons, likely to protect the identity of {{w|closeted}} individuals Nixon may have named.&lt;/small&gt;

* You know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags. Neither in a public way. You know what happened to the popes? They were layin' the nuns; that's been goin' on for years, centuries. But the Catholic Church went to hell three or four centuries ago. It was homosexual, and it had to be cleaned out. That's what's happened to Britain. It happened earlier to France. Let's look at the strong societies. The Russians. Goddamn, they root 'em out. They don't let 'em around at all. I don't know what they do with them. Look at this country. You think the Russians allow dope? Homosexuality, dope, immorality, are the enemies of strong societies. That's why the Communists and left-wingers are clinging to one another. They're trying to destroy us. I know Moynihan will disagree with this, [Attorney General John] Mitchell will, and Garment will. But, goddamn, we have to stand up to this. 

* But it's not just the ratty part of town. The upper class in San Francisco is that way. The Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time — it is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine, with that San Francisco crowd. I can't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco. Decorators. They got to do something. But we don't have to glorify it. You know one of the reasons fashions have made women look so terrible is because the goddamned designers hate women. Designers taking it out on the women. Now they're trying to get some more sexy things coming on again.
**&lt;small&gt; Tapes from 1971 as presented in &quot;All the Philosopher King's Men&quot; by James Warren in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 2000)&lt;/small&gt;

* I just say that we've got to keep our eye on the main ball. The main ball is [[Daniel Ellsberg|[Daniel] Ellsberg]]. We've got to get this son of a bitch. You can't be in a position of ever allowing, just because some guy is going to be martyr, of allowing the fellow to get away with this kind of wholesale thievery, or otherwise it's going to happen all over the government. Don't you agree?
** Telephone conversation with [[w:John N. Mitchell|John N. Mitchell]], &lt;small&gt;[http://whitehousetapes.net/transcript/nixon/006-021 White House Tapes - Presidential Recordings Program, Tape 006-021]&lt;/small&gt;

*'''Nixon''': Within groups, there are geniuses. There are geniuses within [[Black people|black groups]]. There are more within [[w:Asian people|Asian groups]] ... This is knowledge that is better not to know.
** [http://nixontapeaudio.org/chron2/rmn_e010b.mp3 Fall of 1971, conversation with Harvard professor Daniel Patrick Moynihan]; as qtd. in Tim Naftali, [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/07/ronald-reagans-racist-conversation-richard-nixon/595102/ &quot;Ronald Reagan's Long-Hidden Racist Conversation With Richard Nixon&quot;], ''The Atlantic'', (Jul 30, 2019)

*'''Nixon''': I'm not saying that [[blacks]] cannot [[govern]]. I'm saying that they had a [[Wiktionary:Helluva|helluva]] time. Now that must demonstrate something. Now, having said that, let's look at [[w:Latin America|Latin America]]. Latin America has had 150 years of trying at it and they don't have much going down there, either. [[Mexico]] is a one-party government; [[Colombia]], they trade it off every two years, [[Venezuela]] is tipty toe, and the rest are dictatorships, except for [President Salvador] Allende [of Chile], which is a communist dictatorship. Elected but [[communist]].
*'''Nixon''': Let's look at that. The [[Italians]] aren't any good at government. The [[Spanish]] aren't any good at government . . .
:'''[[w:Daniel Patrick Moynihan|Moynihan]]''': Yuh.
*'''Nixon''': The [[French]] have had a helluva time and they're half-Latin, and all of Latin America is not any good at government. They either go to one extreme or another. It's either a family, ah, three extremes: family, oligarchy, or a dictatorship; or a dictatorship on the right, or one on the left, very seldom in the center. Now, having said all that, however, as you compare the Latin dictatorships, governments, etc., and their forms of government, they at least do it in their way. It is an orderly way which works relatively well. They have been able to run the damn place. Looking at the black countries, of course, there are only two old ones—[[Haiti]] is an old one and [[Liberia]] is a very old one.
:'''Moynihan''': Ah, huh.
:'''Nixon''': [[Ethiopia]] is a very old one. But they have a helluva time running the place.
*'''Nixon''': Now you look at [[Asia]] and you can say, well, what about there, you don't have democracies. Of course, you don't, except [[Japan]], where we imposed it, and the [[Philippines]], and it's a helluva mess. But, on the other hand, [[Thailand]] with its oligarchy has the right kind of government for Thailand. And we have to say, too, that Iran, with the benevolent shah, with the benevolent shah, that's the right thing for those folks.
:'''Moynihan''': [They] do pretty well!
:'''Nixon''': What I'm getting back, the long way around, is this: I think something that is eventually going to come out here is this, and it's right beneath the surface, this whole black-white deal, is going to come out is the fact that [[w:Asians|Asians]] are capable of governing themselves, one way or another. We [[w:Caucasians|Caucasians]] have learned it after slaughtering each other in religious wars and other wars, including in the last century.
*'''Nixon''': You look at the World Series World Series, for God's sake, and what would either of these teams, what would Pittsburgh be without a helluva lot of blacks? And music, and the dance. Are these things just to be pissed upon? Hell, no. They are important. And in certain areas, poetry, etc., they have a free-and-easy style that adds enormously to our culture. But on the other hand, when you get to some of the more profound, rigid disciplines, basically, they have a helluva time making it. . . . In terms of good lawyers, even though a lot of them go to law schools, it really is not their dish of tea. See?
** [http://nixontapeaudio.org/chron2/rmn_e010b.mp3 Fall of 1971, conversation with Harvard professor Daniel Patrick Moynihan]; as qtd. in James Warren, [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2001-06-03-0106030279-story.html &quot;Unvarnished Nixon c. 1971: Bigotry revealed in tapes&quot;], ''Chicago Tribune'', June 3, 2001.

* Undoubtedly the most unattractive women in the world are the Indian women, undoubtedly... The most sexless, nothing, these people. I mean, people say, what about the Black Africans? Well, you can see something, the vitality there, I mean they have a little animallike charm, but God, those Indians, ack, pathetic. Uch... To me, they turn me off. How the hell do they turn other people on, Henry? Tell me. [...] They turn me off. They are repulsive and it's just easy to be tough with them.
** In conversation with [[Henry Kissinger]], remarks about Indians made during the {{w|Bangladesh Liberation War}} in 1971. ''[https://www.nixonlibrary.gov/white-house-tapes/300/conversation-300-013 Conversation 300-013]'' of the {{w|White House Tapes}}. Quoted ''[[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/03/opinion/nixon-racism-india.html The Terrible Cost of Presidential Racism The Terrible Cost of Presidential Racism] (September, 3, 2020) by Gary J. Bass, ''[[The New York Times]]''

* I don't know how they reproduce!.. They are a scavenging people.
** On Nov. 12, 1971, in the middle of a discussion about India-Pakistan tensions with [[Henry Kissinger]] and Secretary of State William P. Rogers, after Rogers mentioned reprimanding [[Indira Gandhi]]. ''[https://www.nixonlibrary.gov/white-house-tapes/617/conversation-617-009 Conversation 617-009]'' of the {{w|White House Tapes}}. Quoted ''[[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/03/opinion/nixon-racism-india.html The Terrible Cost of Presidential Racism The Terrible Cost of Presidential Racism] (September, 3, 2020) by Gary J. Bass, ''[[The New York Times]]''

====They're Born That Way (1971)====
[[File:Gay flag.svg|thumb|Let me say something before we get off the gay thing. I don't want my views misunderstood. I am the most [[tolerant]] person on that of anybody in this shop. They have a [[problem]]. They're [[born]] that way. [[Henry Kissinger|You]] know that. That's all. I think they are. Anyway, my point is, though, when I say they're born that way, the tendency is there.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Audio tape files (28 April 1971) [http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2014/07/nixon-secret-white-house-audio-tapes Full text online]&lt;!--http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/11/richard-nixon-gay-rights-_n_5578277.html--&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

* Let me say something before we get off the gay thing. I don't want my views misunderstood. I am the most tolerant person on that of anybody in this shop. They have a problem. They're born that way. [[Henry Kissinger|You]] know that. That's all. I think they are. Anyway, my point is, though, when I say they're born that way, the tendency is there. 

* My point is that Boy Scout leaders, YMCA leaders, and others bring them in that direction, and teachers. And if you look over the history of societies, you will find, of course, that some of the highly intelligent people.

* Oscar Wilde, Aristotle, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, were all homosexuals. Nero, of course, was, in a public way, in with a boy in Rome.

*They can do it. Just leave them alone. That's a lifestyle I don't want to touch.

==== Tape transcripts (1972) ====
[[File:Flag of the United States Department of State.svg|thumb|Screw State! The hell with them!]]

* If he gets shot, it's too damn bad.
** Conversation about Senator [[Edward Kennedy]] with White House aides [[w:H.R. Haldeman|H.R. Haldeman]] and [[w:John Ehrlichman|John Ehrlichman]] (7 September 1972)

* Screw [[w:United States Department of State|State]]! State's always on the side of the blacks. The hell with them!
** [http://history.state.gov/historicaldocuments/frus1969-76ve05p1/d258 Foreign Relations of the United States, 1969-1976 Volume E-5, Part 1, Documents on Sub-Saharan Africa, 1969-1972, Document 258 Conversation Between President Nixon and the President's Assistant for National Security Affairs (Kissinger), Camp David, September 24, 1972, 11:37-11:52 a.m]

* The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Write that on a blackboard 100 times and never forget it.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2008/dec/04/richard-nixon-recordings Conversation with Henry Kissinger and Alexander Haig on December 14 1972]

==== Remarks on Being Reelected (1972) ====
:&lt;small&gt;Remarks on Being Reelected to the Presidency (7 November 1972); [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3882 Transcript at millercenter.org]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''The important thing in our process, however, is to play the game,''' and in the great game of life, and particularly the game of politics, what is important is that on either side more Americans voted this year than ever before, and the fact that you won or you lost must not keep you from keeping in the great game of politics in the years ahead, because the better competition we have between the two parties, between the two men running for office, whatever office that may be, means that we get the better people and the better programs for our country. 

* I very firmly believe that what unites America today is infinitely more important than those things which divide us. We are united Americans — North, East, West, and South, both parties — in our desire for peace, peace with honor, the kind of a peace that will last, and we are moving swiftly toward that great goal, not just in Vietnam, but a new era of peace in which the old relationships between the two super powers, the Soviet Union and the United States, and between the world's most populous nation, the People's Republic of China, and the United States, are changed so that we are on the eve of what could be the greatest generation of peace, true peace for the whole world, that man has ever known. 

* Several commentators have reflected on the fact that this may be one of the great political victories of all time. In terms of votes that may be true, but in terms of what a victory really is, a huge landslide margin means nothing at all unless it is a victory for America. It will be a victory for America only if, in these next four years, we, all of us, can work together to achieve our common great goals of peace at home and peace for all nations in the world, and for that new progress and prosperity which all Americans deserve.

==== Tape transcripts (1973) ====

* There are times when an [[abortion]] is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white. Or a rape.
** [http://nixon.archives.gov/forresearchers/find/tapes/tape407/407-018.mp3 Tape 407, Conversation No. 407-18, 32:08]
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/24/us/politics/24nixon.html On Nixon Tapes, Ambivalence Over Abortion, Not Watergate] by Charlie Savage, ''The New York Times'', June 23 2009, retrieved June 23 2009

* ''[discussing the politics of clemency for Watergate conspirators:]'' No — it is wrong that's for sure.
** March 21, 1973. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, ''[https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/longterm/watergate/articles/050174-2.htm Nixon Debated Paying Blackmail, Clemency]'', The Washington Post, May 1, 1974. Walter Rugaber, ''[https://www.nytimes.com/1974/08/09/archives/closeup-view-of-nixon-under-pressure-emerges-from-the-transcripts-a.html Close‐ Up View of Nixon Under Pressure Emerges From the Transcripts]'', New York Times, August 9, 1974.  
** In Congressional testimony prior to release of the tapes [[w:H.R. Haldeman | H.R. Haldeman]] incorrectly testified that Nixon said &quot;we can do that, but it would be wrong&quot; about obtaining hush money to pay the conspirators. Ken Hughes, ''[https://prde.upress.virginia.edu/content/nixon_first_week Nixon's First Week of Taping: The Decision to Tape]'', Presidential Recordings Program, Miller Center, University of Virginia, retrieved January 9, 2019.

==== Second Inaugural Address (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Richard Nixon's Second Inaugural Address|Richard Nixon's Second Inaugural Address]]&lt;/small&gt;

* The peace we seek in the world is not the flimsy peace which is merely an interlude between wars, but a peace which can endure for generations to come. &lt;br /&gt; It is important that we understand both the necessity and the limitations of America's role in maintaining that peace. &lt;br /&gt; Unless we in America work to preserve the peace, there will be no peace. &lt;br /&gt; Unless we in America work to preserve freedom, there will be no freedom.

* We shall support vigorously the principle that no country has the right to impose its will or rule on another by force. &lt;br /&gt; We shall continue, in this era of negotiation, to work for the limitation of nuclear arms, and to reduce the danger of confrontation between the great powers. &lt;br /&gt; We shall do our share in defending peace and freedom in the world. But we shall expect others to do their share. &lt;br /&gt; The time has passed when America will make every other nation's conflict our own, or make every other nation's future our responsibility, or presume to tell the people of other nations how to manage their own affairs.

* Just as we respect the right of each nation to determine its own future, we also recognize the responsibility of each nation to secure its own future. &lt;br /&gt; Just as America's role is indispensable in preserving the world's peace, so is each nation's role indispensable in preserving its own peace. &lt;br /&gt; Together with the rest of the world, let us resolve to move forward from the beginnings we have made. Let us continue to bring down the walls of hostility which have divided the world for too long, and to build in their place bridges of understanding — so that despite profound differences between systems of government, the people of the world can be friends.

* Let us build a structure of peace in the world in which the weak are as safe as the strong — in which each respects the right of the other to live by a different system — in which those who would influence others will do so by the strength of their ideas, and not by the force of their arms. &lt;br /&gt; Let us accept that high responsibility not as a burden, but gladly — gladly because the chance to build such a peace is the noblest endeavor in which a nation can engage; gladly, also, because only if we act greatly in meeting our responsibilities abroad will we remain a great Nation, and only if we remain a great Nation will we act greatly in meeting our challenges at home. &lt;br /&gt; We have the chance today to do more than ever before in our history to make life better in America — to ensure better education, better health, better housing, better transportation, a cleaner environment — to restore respect for law, to make our communities more livable — and to insure the God-given right of every American to full and equal opportunity. &lt;br /&gt; Because the range of our needs is so great — because the reach of our opportunities is so great — let us be bold in our determination to meet those needs in new ways.

==== First Watergate Speech (1973) ====
:&lt;small&gt; [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=3824 &quot;Address to the Nation About the Watergate Investigations&quot; (30 April 1973)] · [http://www.watergate.info/nixon/73-04-30watergate-speech.shtml Nixon's First Watergate Speech. (30 April 1973)]&lt;/small&gt;

* In any organization, the man at the top must bear the [[responsibility]]. That responsibility, therefore, belongs here, in this office. I accept it. And I pledge to you tonight, from this office, that I will do everything in my power to ensure that the guilty are brought to justice and that such abuses are purged from our political processes in the years to come, long after I have left this office.

* On Christmas Eve, during my terrible personal ordeal of the renewed bombing of North Vietnam, which after 12 years of war finally helped to bring America peace with honor, I sat down just before midnight. I wrote out some of my goals for my second term as President. &lt;br /&gt; Let me read them to you:
** To make it possible for our children, and for our children's children, to live in a [[world]] of [[peace]]. 
** To make this country be more than ever a land of opportunity — of equal opportunity, full opportunity for every American.
** To provide jobs for all who can work, and generous help for those who cannot work. To establish a climate of decency and civility, in which each person respects the feelings and the dignity and the God-given rights of his neighbor.
** To make this a land in which each person can dare to dream, can live his dreams — not in fear, but in hope — proud of his community, proud of his country, proud of what America has meant to himself and to the world.

* I [[know]] that it can be very easy, under the intensive pressures of a campaign, for even well-intentioned [[people]] to fall into shady [[tactics]] —  to rationalize this on the grounds that what is at stake is of such [[importance]] to the [[Nation]] that the [[end]] justifies the means. And both of our great [[Political parties|parties]] have been [[guilty]] of such tactics in the [[past]]. &lt;br /&gt; In recent years, however, the campaign excesses that have occurred on all sides have provided a sobering [[demonstration]] of how far this [[false]] [[doctrine]] can take us. The lesson is [[clear]]: [[America]], in its [[political]] campaigns, must not again fall into the trap of letting the end, however great that end is, justify the means. &lt;br /&gt; I urge the leaders of both political parties, I urge [[citizens]], all of you, everywhere, to join in working toward a new set of standards, new [[rules]] and procedures to ensure that [[future]] [[elections]] will be as nearly free of such abuses as they possibly can be made. This is my goal. I ask you to join in making it America's goal.

=== 1980s ===
[[File:Nixon and Zhou toast.jpg|thumb|Short of changing [[human]] [[nature]] ... the only way to achieve a practical, livable [[peace]] in a [[world]] of competing [[nations]] is to take the [[profit]] out of [[war]].]]
[[File:Richard Nixon 1969 inauguration.png|thumb|Any [[nation]] that decides the only way to achieve [[peace]] is through peaceful means is a nation that will soon be a piece of another nation.]]
[[File:Flag of the Soviet Union (1955-1980).svg|thumb|What are our [[schools]] for if not for indoctrination against [[communism]]?]]
[[File:Flag of North Vietnam (1945-1955).svg|thumb|No event in [[American]] [[history]] is more misunderstood than the [[Vietnam War]]. It was misreported then, and it is misremembered now. Rarely have so many people been so wrong about so much. Never have the [[consequences]] of their misunderstanding been so tragic.]]

* Short of changing human nature, therefore, the only way to achieve a practical, livable peace in a world of competing nations is to take the profit out of war.
** ''Real Peace'' (1983)

* Any nation that decides the only way to achieve peace is through peaceful means is a nation that will soon be a piece of another nation.
** ''No More Vietnams'' (1987)

* No event in American history is more misunderstood than the Vietnam War. It was misreported then, and it is misremembered now. Rarely have so many people been so wrong about so much. Never have the consequences of their misunderstanding been so tragic.
** ''No More Vietnams'' (1987).

=== 1990s ===
* Nowdays, If a news report does not tie up loose ends as neatly as '[[The A Team]]', it is considered a flop.
** From ''In The Arena'' (1990)

* But by God, there are exceptions. But Bob, generally speaking, you can't trust the bastards. They turn on us.
** On Jews, to [[w:H. R. Haldeman|H. R. Haldeman]], as quoted in [http://www.slate.com/id/1003783/ &quot;Nixon: I Am Not an Anti-Semite&quot; by Timothy Noah, in ''Slate'' (7 October 1999)]

* But, Bob, generally speaking, you can't trust the bastards. They turn on you. Am I wrong or right?
** Speaking about Jews [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/daily/oct99/nixon6.htm &quot;New Tapes Reveal Depth of Nixon's Anti-Semitism&quot; in ''The Washington Post'' (9 October 1999)]

*We may have created a [[w:Frankenstein's monster|Frankenstein]] ['s monster].
** Before Nixon died, he feared that opening the world to the China may created a 'Frankenstein'.[https://www.nytimes.com/2000/05/18/opinion/essay-the-biggest-vote.html Essay; The Biggest Vote (May 18, 2000)]

=== 2000s ===
* I'm not for women, frankly, in any job. I don't want any of them around. Thank God we don't have any in the Cabinet.
** As quoted in ''The Rehnquist Choice'' (2001) by John Dean; also in [http://slate.msn.com/id/117140/ &quot;Double Dipping at the Waffle House&quot; by Dahlia Lithwick] in ''Slate'' (11 October 2001)

* I don't think women should be in any government job whatever. I mean, I really don't. The reason why I do is mainly because they are erratic and emotional.
** Quoted in John Boertlein, ''Presidential Confidential'' (2010), p.&amp;nbsp;293

* As long as I'm sitting in the chair, there's not going to be any Jew appointed to that court. [No Jew] can be right on the criminal-law issue.
** [http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_22_53/ai_79665375/pg_2 ''National Review'' (19 November 2001)]

* Nixon: I still think we ought to take the North Vietnamese dikes out now. Will that drown people? &lt;br /&gt; Kissinger: About two hundred thousand people. &lt;br /&gt; Nixon: No, no, no, I'd rather use the nuclear bomb. Have you got that, Henry? &lt;br /&gt; Kissinger: That, I think, would just be too much. &lt;br /&gt; Nixon: The nuclear bomb, does that bother you?. I just want you to think big, Henry, for Christsakes.
** In conversation with [[Henry Kissinger]] regarding Vietnam, as quoted in ''Secrets: A Memoir of Vietnam and the Pentagon Papers.'' (2002) by [[w:Daniel Ellsberg|Daniel Ellsberg]] p.&amp;nbsp;418 &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|0-670-03030-9}}&lt;/small&gt;

* Nixon: The only place where you and I disagree is with regard to the bombing. You're so goddamned concerned about civilians and I don't give a damn. I don't care. &lt;br /&gt; Kissinger: I'm concerned about the civilians because I don't want the world to be mobilized against you as a butcher.
** In conversation with Henry Kissinger regarding Vietnam, as quoted in ''Secrets: A Memoir of Vietnam and the Pentagon Papers.'' (2002) by Daniel Ellsberg

* I can't ever say that, but I believe it.
** Responding to Rev. [[w:Billy Graham|Billy Graham]]'s assertion that the Jews have a &quot;stranglehold&quot; on the media that &quot;has to be broken or the country's going down the drain.&quot; Quoted in [https://archive.is/20130630000743/www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/020415sh_shouts1 ''The New Yorker'' (15 April 2002)]

* You don't want to know.
** Responding to Senator [[w:Howard Baker|Howard Baker]] who asked him the question: &quot;What do you know about the Kennedy assassination?&quot; Quoted in ''Oral History Interview with [[w:Don Hewitt|Don Hewitt]]'' (8 October 2002)

* I think most Americans understood that the [[w:My Lai massacre|My Lai massacre]] was not representative of our people, of the war we were fighting, or of our men who were fighting it; but from the time it first became public the whole tragic episode was used by the media and the antiwar forces to chip away at our efforts to build public support for our Vietnam objectives and policies.
** As quoted in ''Convergences'' (2005) [second edition] by Robert Atwan, &lt;small&gt; [Bedford/St. Martin's. p.&amp;nbsp;403] &lt;/small&gt; 

* What are our schools for if not for indoctrination against communism?
** [http://books.google.com/?id=k3caAQAAIAAJ&amp;dq=%22What+are+our+schools+for+if+not+for+indoctrination+against+communism%22 Speech] before a meeting of [[w:San Diego|San Diego]] educators during the [[w:California gubernatorial election, 1962|1962 gubernatorial election]].

* Now listen here: Printing top secret information. I don't care how they feel about the war. Whether they're for or against it. They can't and should not do this and attack the integrity of government and by God, I'm gonna fight that son of a bitching paper. They don't know what's gonna hit them now.
** After The ''[[w:New York Times|New York Times]]'' started publishing the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]], &lt;small&gt; ''[[w:The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers|The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers]]'' &lt;/small&gt; (2009)

* I want to tell you that I was so damn mad when that Supreme Court had to come down. First, I didn't like the decision. Unbelievable, wasn't it? You know, those clowns we got on there, I tell you, I hope I outlive the bastards.
** After the US Supreme Court ruling in ''[[w:New York Times Co. v. United States|New York Times Co. v. United States]]'' (The Pentagon Papers Case). 

* Well, you can just stop and think of what could happen if anybody with a decent system of government got control of that mainland. Good God. There'd be no power in the world that could even — I mean, you put 800 million Chinese to work under a decent system and they will be the leaders of the world [http://marketplace.publicradio.org/pdf/OnChina-Chapter9.pdf]

== Quotes about Nixon ==
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt; 

[[File:Nixon leaving whitehouse.jpg|thumb|In 1972, Americans watched in disbelief as the Nixon Presidency was virtually brought to collapse, not because of the Watergate &quot;break-in,&quot; but by the cover-up and its entanglements. What if the Watergate Scandal had been handled differently? The illegal activities of a few bungling second-story men pale in comparison to the colossal management blunders by the White House inner circle. ~ Wheeler L. Baker]]
[[File:HardingFuneral.jpg|thumb|At this point, President Harding, showing the kind of class that Richard Nixon can only dream about, died. ~ [[Dave Barry]]]]
[[File:New Jersey in United States (zoom).svg|thumb|Those of you who are well-schooled students of &quot;Dick&quot; Nixon will not be surprised to learn that, after carefully weighing the alternatives, he decided to go with Option Three: to stand in the Rose Garden and make a semicoherent speech about his mother that may well rank as the single most embarrassing moment in American history. Thoroughly humiliated, Nixon then went off to live in a state of utter disgrace (New Jersey). This was widely believed to be the end of his career. ~ [[Dave Barry]]]]
[[File:Senator Goldwater 1960.jpg|thumb|He was the most dishonest individual I ever met in my life. President Nixon lied to his wife, his family, his friends, longtime colleagues in the US Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people and the world. ~ [[Barry Goldwater]]]]
[[File:NIXONcampaigns.jpg|thumb|Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again ~ [[Billy Joel]]]]
[[File:Kennedy Nixon Debat (1960).jpg|thumb|Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Hunter S. Thompson (self-portrait photograph - Hell's Angels author photo).jpg|thumb|Richard Nixon was an evil man--evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand it. He was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency. Nobody trusted him--except maybe the Stalinist Chinese, and honest historians will remember him mainly as a rat who kept scrambling to get back on the ship. ~ [[Hunter S. Thompson]]]]
[[File:Harry S Truman - NARA - 530677 (2).jpg|thumb|Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]]]]

* In 1972, Americans watched in disbelief as the Nixon Presidency was virtually brought to collapse, not because of the Watergate &quot;break-in,&quot; but by the cover-up and its entanglements. What if the Watergate Scandal had been handled differently? The illegal activities of a few bungling second-story men pale in comparison to the colossal management blunders by the White House inner circle.
** Wheeler L. Baker, ''Crisis Management: A Model For Managers'' (1993), p. 3

* The Teapot Dome Scandal involved a plot of federal land in Wyoming that derives its unusual name from the fact that, if viewed from a certain angle, it appears to be shaped like a scandal. The government had placed a large amount of oil under this land for safekeeping, but in 1921 it was stolen. The mystery was solved later that same evening when an alert customs inspector noticed former Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall attempting to board an oceanliner with a suitcase containing 3.256 trillion barrels of petroleum products, which he claimed had been a &quot;gift&quot; from a &quot;friend.&quot; '''At this point, President Harding, showing the kind of class that Richard Nixon can only dream about, died.'''
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 104-105

* Going into the race, Eisenhower had a strong tactical advantage stemming from the fact that nobody, including himself, knew what hs views were. But his campaign quickly became enmeshed in scandal when it was discovered that his running mate, Senator &quot;Dick&quot; Nixon, had received money from a secret fund. Realizing that his career was at stake, Nixon appeared on a live television broadcast and told the American people, with deep emotion in his voice, that if they didn't let him be the vice president, he would kill his dog. This was widely believed to be the end of his career.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 134

* In 1960 the Democratic candidate was the rich witty graceful charming and of course boyishly handsome Massachusetts senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who gained voter recognition by having his face on millions of souvenir plates and being married to the lovely and internationally admired Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Kennedy's major political drawback was that the nation had never elected a Roman Catholic; on the other hand, the nation had never elected a total dweeb, either, and the Republicans had for some reason nominated &quot;Dick&quot; Nixon. So it was a very close race. The turning point was a series of nationally televised debates, in which Kennedy, who looked tanned and relaxed, seemed to have an advantage over Nixon, who looked as though he had been coached by ferrets. Kennedy held a slight lead going into the bonus round, where he chose Category Three (Graceful Handsome Boyish Wittiness) and won the matching luggage ''plus'' Texas ''plus'' Illinois, thus guaranteeing his victory in the November election. This was widely believed to be the end of Nixon's career.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 144-145

* So by 1968 things were pretty bad. They were so bad that it seemed impossible for them to get worse, unless something truly horrible happened, something so twisted and sinister and evil that the human mind could barely comprehend it. THE NIXON COMEBACK. Yes. One day we turned on our televisions, and there he was, &quot;Dick&quot; Nixon, looking stronger than ever despite the holes in his suit where various stakes had been driven into his heart. He was advertised as a &quot;new&quot; Nixon with all kinds of amazing features, including an illuminated glove compartment and a secret plan to end the war in Vietnam, but of course he couldn't tell the voters what it was, because then it wouldn't have been a ''secret'' plan. Nixon's running mate was an individual named Spiro Agnew, whose principal qualification was that when you rearranged the letters of his name, you got &quot;grow a penis.&quot; (Dick Cavett discovered this. Really.) Their campaign theme- we are not making this up- was &quot;Law and Order.&quot;
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 151

* Nixon's first official act as president was to sneak out behind the White House and bury his secret peace plan to ensure that nobody would ever find out what it was, which would have been a breach of national security. With that important task accomplished, he swung into action, working feverishly to accomplish his most important objective, to realize the cherished dream that had driven him through all these years of disappointment, to reach the long-sought goal that, thanks to his election, was finally within his grasp, namely: getting reelected.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 152

* Nixon appeared to have only two options left: Option One: He could boldly remain as president and defend himself in the now-inevitable impeachment proceedings. Option Two: He could spare the country further trauma by resigning in a dignified manner. Those of you who are well-schooled students of &quot;Dick&quot; Nixon will not be surprised to learn that, after carefully weighing the alternatives, he decided to go with Option Three: to stand in the Rose Garden and make a semicoherent speech about his mother that may well rank as the single most embarrassing moment in American history. Thoroughly humiliated, Nixon then went off to live in a state of utter disgrace (New Jersey). This was widely believed to be the end of his career.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States'' (1989), p. 157-158

* Although Johnson was done in by Vietnam, his domestic liberalism was as popular in 1968 as the New Deal had been in 1952. '''Nevertheless, conservatives deluded themselves that Nixon would repeal the Great Society. But just as Eisenhower cemented the New Deal in place, Nixon accepted the legitimacy of the Great Society. His goal was to make it work efficiently and shave off the rough edges. Nixon even expanded the welfare state by expanding its regulatory reach through the Environmental Protection Agency and other new government agencies.''' Conservatives were infuriated by Nixon’s betrayal, but lacking control of Congress they were stuck with him just as they had been with Eisenhower. Not very many were upset when Watergate pushed Nixon out of office.
**  Bruce Bartlett in [https://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Columns/2011/07/22/Barack-Obama-The-Democrats-Richard-Nixon ''Barack Obama: The Democrats’ Richard Nixon?'' (22 July 2011)]

* Thus Obama took office under roughly the same political and economic circumstances that Nixon did in 1968 except in a mirror opposite way. Instead of being forced to manage a slew of new liberal spending programs, as Nixon did, Obama had to cope with a revenue structure that had been decimated by Republicans. Liberals hoped that Obama would overturn conservative policies and launch a new era of government activism. '''Although Republicans routinely accuse him of being a socialist, an honest examination of his presidency must conclude that he has in fact been moderately conservative to exactly the same degree that Nixon was moderately liberal.'''
**  Bruce Bartlett in [https://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Columns/2011/07/22/Barack-Obama-The-Democrats-Richard-Nixon ''Barack Obama: The Democrats’ Richard Nixon?'' (22 July 2011)]

*Nixon and [[Henry Kissinger|Kissinger]] bear responsibility for a significant complicity in the slaughter of the Bengalis. This overlooked episode deserves to be a defining part of their historical reputations. But although Nixon and Kissinger have hardly been neglected by history, this major incident has largely been whitewashed out of their legacy—and not by accident. Kissinger began telling demonstrable falsehoods about the administration’s record just two weeks into the crisis, and has not stopped distorting since. Nixon and Kissinger, in their vigorous efforts after Watergate to rehabilitate their own respectability as foreign policy wizards, have left us a farrago of distortions, half-truths, and outright lies about their policy toward the Bengali atrocities... For all the very real flaws of human rights politics, Nixon and Kissinger’s support of a military dictatorship engaged in mass murder is a reminder of what the world can easily look like without any concern for the pain of distant strangers.
**  Bass, G. J. (2014). The Blood telegram: Nixon, Kissinger, and a forgotten genocide.

*From 1969 through 1973, it was [[Henry Kissinger|Kissinger]], along with President Nixon, who oversaw the slaughter in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]], [[Cambodia]] and Laos — killing perhaps one million during this period. He gave the order for the [[W:secret bombing of Cambodia|secret bombing of Cambodia]]. Kissinger is on tape saying, “[Nixon] wants a massive bombing campaign in Cambodia. He doesn't want to hear anything about it. It's an order, to be done. Anything that flies on anything that moves.” 
**[https://www.commondreams.org/views/2015/01/30/henry-kissinger-or-codepink-whos-low-life-scum Henry Kissinger or CODEPINK: Who’s the &quot;Low Life Scum&quot;?], by [[Medea Benjamin]], ''CommonDreams'', (January 30, 2015) 

* On evenings such as these, Deep Throat had talked about how politics had infiltrated every corner of government — a strong-arm takeover of the agencies by the Nixon White House. He had once called it the 'switchblade mentality' and had referred to the willingness of the President's men to fight dirty and for keeps.
** {{w|Carl Bernstein}} and {{w|Bob Woodward}}, ''{{w|All the President's Men}}''

* In his memoirs Nixon declared that to achieve his ends the &quot;institutions&quot; of government had to be &quot;reformed, replaced or circumvented. In my second term I was prepared to adopt whichever of these three methods, or whichever combination of them, was necessary.&quot;
** {{w|Sidney Blumenthal}} in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,1502532,00.html ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' (9 June 2005)]

* It's too early to say how most of my decisions will turn out. As president, I had the honor of eulogizing Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan. President Ford's pardon of Richard Nixon, once regarded as one of the worst mistakes in presidential history, is now viewed as a selfless act of leadership. And it was quite something to hear the commentators who had once denounced President Reagan as a dunce and a warmonger talk about how the Great Communicator had won the Cold War.
** George W. Bush, ''Decision Points'' (2010), p. 476

* '''Richard Nixon was a really, really bad guy.''' It’s worth noting this fact because Nixon has become a kind of domestic analogue to Hitler, invoked as a comparison by everybody, all the time — not just conservatives but also liberals, including a good chunk of Hollywood. Nixon’s administration ordered a break-in to the headquarters of the opposition party and then destroyed evidence of the crime. He ordered the firebombing of the Brookings Institution! If you find yourself tempted to compare a president you don’t like to Nixon, ask yourself, Is this pretty much how I’d react if he had a gang of goons break into the opposition party’s headquarters or told his subordinates to destroy the American Enterprise Institute? If not, you probably need a new comparison.
** Jonathan Chait in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2013/08/george-will-now-obama-is-worse-than-nixon.html ''George Will: Now Obama Is Worse Than Nixon'' (15 August 2013)]

* President Nixon opened his memoirs with a simple sentence: &quot;I was born in a house my father built.&quot; Today, we can look back at this little house and still imagine a young boy sitting by the window of the attic he shared with his three brothers, looking out to a world he could then himself only imagine. From those humble roots, as from so many humble beginnings in this country, grew the force of a driving dream — a dream that led to the remarkable journey that ends here today where it all began. Beside the same tiny home, mail-ordered from back East, near this towering oak tree which, back then, was a mere seedling. President Nixon's journey across the American landscape mirrored that of this entire nation in this remarkable century. His life was bound up with the striving of our whole people, with our crises and our triumphs. As it is written in the words of a hymn I heard in my church last Sunday: &quot;Grant that I may realize that the trifling of life creates differences, but that in the higher things, we are all one.&quot; In the twilight of his life, President Nixon knew that lesson well. It is, I feel certain, a faith he would want us all to keep. And, so, on behalf of all four former presidents who are here — [[Gerald Ford|President Ford]], [[Jimmy Carter|President Carter]], [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]], [[George H.W. Bush|President Bush]] — and on behalf of a grateful nation, we bid farewell to Richard Milhous Nixon.
** [[Bill Clinton|President Bill Clinton]] eulogizing Nixon at his funeral on April 27, 1994 in Yorba Linda, California. Quoted in [http://books.google.com/?id=ddNQDl7k-KAC&amp;pg=PA126&amp;dq=%22memoirs+with+a+simple+sentence%22 ''In Tribute: Eulogies of Famous People'' (1999)] by Ted Tobias &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|0810835371}}, 9780810835375&lt;/small&gt;, pp.&amp;nbsp;126-28

* '''I have tender feelings for [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]], because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted ''[[The Munsters]]''... Nixon was the last liberal president. He supported women's rights, the environment, ending the draft, youth involvement, and now he's the boogeyman? [[John Kerry|Kerry]] couldn't even run on that today.'''
** [[Stephen Colbert]] [http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/americas-anchors-20061116?page=3 ''Rolling Stone'' interview] (31 October 2006)

* Richard Nixon is one man, so intimately and thoroughly known to me, that without any hesitation I can personally vouch for his ability, his sense of duty, his sharpness of mind, and his wealth of wisdom. Through eight years, in the Cabinet Room of the White House, and in weekly sessions of the Cabinet and the National Security Council, he sat directly across the table from me — a mere few feet away. There I came to know him as a man who can never be known from headlines about him or speeches by him. My knowledge of him — first-hand, immediate, the product of my own close scrutiny — grew in times of crisis and of progress towards their solution; in times of decisive action and of an increase in America's leadership of free nations — in every discussion our single guide was the welfare and security of the United States. Throughout all these meetings, I could watch Dick Nixon; absorbed in the thoughtful and sober weighing of every word and idea. No man of Dick Nixon's intellectual capacity, conscientious stewardship, and superb leadership should be permitted to stand on the sidelines.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [http://deadpresidents.tumblr.com/post/15585207650/presidents-talk-about-presidents-richard-nixon endorsing Nixon for Governor of California (October 1962)]

* The truth is that I spoke clearly to Mr. Nixon [about the situation of the [[Bangladesh Liberation war]]]... I told him without mincing words that we couldn't go on with ten million refugees on our backs, we couldn't tolerate the fuse of such and explosive situation any longer. Well, Mr. Heath, Mr. Pompidou, and Mr. Brandt had understood very well. But not Mr. Nixon. The fact is that when the others understand one thing, Mr. Nixon understands another. I suspected he was very pro-Pakistan. Or rather I knew that the Americans had always been in favor of Pakistan—not so much because they were in favor of Pakistan, but because they were against India.
** [[Indira Gandhi]]. Quoted in  Oriana Fallaci. Interview with Indira Gandhi, in : Interviews with history and conversations with power. New York: Rizzoli, 2001.

* '''He was the most dishonest individual I ever met in my life. President Nixon lied to his wife, his family, his friends, longtime colleagues in the US Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people and the world.'''
** [[Barry Goldwater]] in his memoirs, ''Goldwater'' (1988)

* The Nixon tragedy: A man of unsurpassed courage and outstanding intelligence but without vision. An opportunist who missed his greatest opportunity. 
** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''Before the Sabbath'', Harper &amp; Row 1979, p. 4

* I may not know much, but I do know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], when asked why he had not replied to a speech by then-Vice President Nixon. Quoted in Merle Miller, ''Lyndon, An Oral Biography'' (1980), p.&amp;nbsp;542

* '''Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], during the 1960 presidential campaign. Quoted in John Boertlein, ''Presidential Confidential'' (2010), p.&amp;nbsp;296

* Nixon's comments about Jews were sort of — there was a huge disparity between the comments he made about Jews and the large number of Jews he had in his administration. And it is hard to believe in one sense. I don't really think Nixon was anti-Semitic. He had sort of standard phrases.
** [[Henry Kissinger]] as quoted at [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8073301/ MSNBC] (June 9, 2005)

* It was ironic that President Nixon, in a memo released by the National Archives, complained that his commanders had played &quot;how not to lose&quot; that they had forgotten &quot;how to win.&quot; To render justice to the generals, I agree with General Westmoreland that the U.S. needed to rethink its Viet Nam policies. It had to do away with the &quot;status quo&quot; and resolutely carry he war to the North. Although President Nixon later ordered B-52 runs on North Viet Nam, this move was not so much to win the war, but to induce the enemy to sit at the negotiation table.
** Lam Quang Thi, ''The Twenty-Five Year Century: A South Vietnamese General Remembers the Indochina War to the Fall of Saigon'' (2001), p. 246

* Even if you just think he's a character on ''Futurama'', you've probably heard of Richard Nixon. The 37th president of the United States was a crook, a liar, and a raging anti-Semite. He deliberately sabotaged the Vietnam peace process, launched the expensive failure known as the 'War on Drugs', and famously ordered his goons to try to burgle the Democratic Party's headquarters. Oh, and he did all this while being one of the greatest presidents the U.S. has ever known.
** [[w:Morris M.|Morris M.]], as quoted in [http://listverse.com/2013/11/08/10-reasons-richard-nixon-was-secretly-an-amazing-president/ 10 Reasons Richard Nixon Was Secretly An Amazing President] (8 November 2013), ''ListVerse''.

* Only a Republican, perhaps only a Nixon, could have made this break and gotten away with it.
** Mike Mansfield (Senate Democratic Leader), in ''U.S. News and World Report'' (December 6, 1971), on Nixon's pending trip to China; the phrase later became popular as &quot;[[wikipedia: Nixon goes to China|Only Nixon could go to China]]&quot;.

* Carter didn't kill my [[Mohammad Reza Pahlavi|brother]] with his own hand, but he overthrew him. If Nixon were President, my brother would still be on the throne.
** [[Ashraf Pahlavi]] — ''[http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20076413,00.html In Bitter American Exile, the Shah's Twin Sister, Ashraf, Defends Their Dynasty]'', ''[[w:People (magazine)|People]]'' (5 May 1980)

* Nixon has the audacity to tell me to do nothing in the interest of my country until he dictacts where that interest lies. At the same time he threatens me that failure to follow his so-called advice will be to jeopardize the special relations between our two countries. I say to hell with such special relations.
** [[Muhammad Reza Pahlavi]], as quoted in Alam, Asadollah (1991), ''The Shah and I'', I. B. Tauris, p.&amp;nbsp;278

* I was in Paris yesterday for the funeral of [[wikipedia:Georges Pompidou|President Pompidou]], and I met your President Nixon. He was wearing pancake makeup!
** Former Swedish Prime Minister [[Olof Palme]], as quoted in [https://www.jstor.org/stable/27551563 Richard M. Nixon 1969-1974], by Tom Wicker, in ''Presidential Studies Quarterly'' Vol. 26, No. 1, The Nixon Presidency (Winter 1996), pp. 249-257 

* He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.
** [[James Reston]], as quoted in an article by Joe Sharkey in ''The New York Times'' (12 March 2000)

* The President wants me to argue that he is as powerful a monarch as Louis XIV, only four years at a time, and is not subject to the processes of any court in the land except the court of impeachment.
** [[w:James D. St. Clair|James D. St. Clair]], Richard Nixon's counsel, arguing before the Supreme Court [http://books.google.com/?id=lW0aFS_pXV4C&amp;pg=PA131]

* He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time. If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. '''He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.'''
** [[w:Hunter S Thompson|Hunter S Thompson]], ''[http://www.counterpunch.org/2005/02/21/quot-he-was-a-crook-quot/ He Was a Crook]'' (1 May 1994)

* Let there be no mistake in the history books about that. '''Richard Nixon was an evil man--evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand it. He was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency. Nobody trusted him--except maybe the Stalinist Chinese, and honest historians will remember him mainly as a rat who kept scrambling to get back on the ship.'''
** [[Hunter S Thompson|Hunter S Thompson]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20131006104406/http://michaelmoore.com/words/latest-news/he-was-a-crook-hunter-s-thompson-on-the-death-of-richard-nixon 'He was a crook'; Hunter S. Thompson on the death of Richard Nixon] Thompson, Hunter S. (June 15, 1994) &quot;'He was a crook'; Hunter S. Thompson on the death of Richard Nixon&quot; Archived October 7, 2013, at the Wayback Machine, Rolling Stone.

* I've been called worse things by better people.
** [[w:Canadian|Canadian]] Prime Minister [[w:Pierre Trudeau|Pierre Trudeau]] in 1971, on hearing that he had been called &quot;that asshole&quot; by Nixon.
** Widely reported by the Canadian press, the incident is also recounted in Pierre Trudeau, ''Memoirs'' (1993)

* '''Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.'''
** [[Harry S. Truman]], in ''Plain Speaking : An Oral Biography of Harry S Truman'' (1974) by Merle Miller, p.&amp;nbsp;179

* Nixon is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar. He's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], in ''Plain Speaking : An Oral Biography of Harry S Truman'' (1974) by Merle Miller, p.&amp;nbsp;179

* Doesn't he understand Nixon promised the Southern delegates he would stop enforcing the [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|Civil Rights]] and [[w:Voting Rights Act|Voting Rights Act]]s?
** Bob Mardian, on the firing of [[w:Leon Panetta|Leon Panetta]], then director of [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|HEW]]'s [[w:Office for Civil Rights|Office for Civil Rights]]
** {{cite journal
| last = McCloskey
| first = Pete
| authorlink = w:Pete McCloskey
| coauthors =
| date = December 19, 2002
| title = Crises in Both Parties
| journal = [[w:San Francisco Chronicle|San Francisco Chronicle]]
| volume =
| issue =
| pages = A-29
| doi =
| id =
| url = http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/12/19/ED66198.DTL
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}}

* It struck me from time to time that Nixon, as a character, would have been so easy to fix, in the sense of removing these rather petty flaws. And yet, I think it's also true that if you did this, you would probably have removed that very inner core of insecurity that led to his drive. A secure Nixon almost surely, in my view, would never have been president of the United States at all. 
** [[w:Elliot Richardson|Elliot Richardson]], Nixon Cabinet Member{{cite video | year=1990 | url=http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/presidents/video/nixon_01.html#v296 | title=American Experience: Nixon, Part One: The Quest | medium=Documentary | publisher=[[w:Corporation for Public Broadcasting|Corporation for Public Broadcasting]]}}

* I finally arrived here in [[1968]]. What a special day it was. I remember I arrived here with empty pockets but full of dreams, full of determination, full of desire. The presidential campaign was in full swing. I remember watching the [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]]-[[Hubert Humphrey|Humphrey]] presidential race on TV. A friend of mine who spoke [[Germany|German]] and [[England|English]] translated for me. I heard Humphrey saying things that sounded like [[socialism]], which I had just left. But then I heard [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting the government off your back, lowering the taxes and strengthening the military. Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air. I said to my friend, I said, 'What party is he?' My friend said, 'He's a Republican'. I said, 'Then I am a Republican'. And I have been a Republican ever since.
** [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]], Republican National Convention speech (31 August 2004), as quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/08/31/gop.schwarzenegger.transcript/ &quot;Schwarzenegger: No country more welcoming than the USA&quot; (31 August 2004), ''CNN'']

* Imagine a man. A mean man. A mendacious man. In many ways, a mad man. A man who mocked minorities, including African-Americans, Hispanics, Jews, and gay people. A man who cynically capitalized on the racism of Southern whites in the course of his campaigns. A man who cheated in an election he was already going to win by covering up a break-in at the Watergate hotel. Richard Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, won his first election in the shadow of the death of [[Robert F. Kennedy|Robert Kennedy]]. His second election, a landslide win over liberal [[George McGovern]], felt like one last boot stomp on the ashes of the sixties. And, of course, Nixon resigned office in the greatest presidential scandal of the 20th century. Yet, in between those curtains of American despair, Nixon ended up accomplishing a whole lot. He did the unexpected—his executive orders and his legislation helped the poor, minorities, women, the environment, and the world. '''Nixon, dare I say it, was progressive. He was conservative, and he clothed his ideas in conservative rhetoric, but he was progressive.'''
** Bernard Sheu as quoted in [https://www.countere.com/home/richardnixon ''Richard Nixon Was a Great President (26 May 2020)'']

* There are moral intentions and there are moral consequences. The floral consequences of Richard Nixon’s presidency—most of which are overshadowed by Watergate—contradict his intentions. Would the opposite be any better? The revolutions of the 20th century—of Mao Zedong and Joseph Stalin—attest to the grotesque transformations of the most moral intentions. The unrelenting ocean of history washes away our motives, our hopes, our dreams. All that remains is our actions. And we will remember Nixon’s actions: his biggest mistake, the scandal which will forever define his presidency and life. But if we dig through his legacy, we would find gems which shine brighter in today’s light.
** Bernard Sheu as quoted in [https://www.countere.com/home/richardnixon ''Richard Nixon Was a Great President (26 May 2020)'']

* Today is a time of much historical revisionism. We look for sins in the lives of saints. I understand this tendency—greatness doesn’t excuse evil. To worship another human is to forget who a human being is in the first place. But the truth goes both ways. What about finding the good in disgraced figures? What moral lessons might we gleam from such an exercise? I am not talking about dictators, or mass murderers, or perverse evildoers. I am talking about Richard Nixon. I am talking about our presidents, our parents, our favorite characters, our friends, our artists, and our acquaintances. People who make great mistakes but also do great good. People who say prejudiced things and then do justice. People who are human. What are we to make of such people? '''Richard Nixon, by many accounts, was a mean man. But there was good in him. More importantly, there was good he did. And that’s worth remembering.'''
** Bernard Sheu as quoted in [https://www.countere.com/home/richardnixon ''Richard Nixon Was a Great President (26 May 2020)'']

* One has to understand the human problem of a man who had spent all of his life trying to become President whose personality really did not lend itself to politics.  He didn't like to meet new people.  He didn't like to give direct orders.  He didn't like face-to-face confrontations—all the things you have to do as President.  He ''made'' himself do all these things.  And just when he had achieved, for the first time, a tremendous electoral victory, everything collapsed on him.
** [[Henry Kissinger]], speaking to [[Dick Cavett]]

* Nixon had the quality that...he thought of himself as acting best in crisis.  And there was a lot in that.  But it reached the point where one sometimes had the impression that he ''invited'' crisis and that he couldn't stand normalcy.
** [[Henry Kissinger]], speaking to [[Dick Cavett]]

* I don't think Nixon ''has'' a friend.  I've known him for a long time.  I've interviewed him many times, in one of which, at the very end of the interview, I asked him, 'Mr. Nixon, can you ever relax with anyone?' And he said—it was rather pathetic, to me, Dick—he said, 'No, I never can. I can never ''really'' let my hair down with anybody.' And then I said, 'Not even with Pat?' And he thought for a moment and he said, 'No, not even with Pat.'&quot;
** Stewart Alsop, speaking to [[Dick Cavett]]

== Attributed ==
* I could leave this room and in 25 minutes, 70 million people would be dead.
** As attributed in [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/10/atlantics-endorsement-against-donald-trump/616815/ &quot;The Case Against Donald Trump&quot;], by Jeffrey Goldberg, ''The Atlantic'', (10/2020)
===Beyond Peace (1994)===
*&quot;... China and Russia exist in an uneasy “Asian détente.” China’s hard-liners would prefer to see the failure of Yeltsin’s democratic government, because it would lessen the ideological threat of Russian democracy and weaken Russia’s ability to protect its interests in East Asia. At the same time, Chinese officials fear a new resurgent, nationalistic Russia because it would inevitably clash with China over important economic regions in East Asia and force China to divert its attention from other areas. &quot;
**(Cap II, China: “The Biggest of Them All”)
*&quot;Today, China’s economic power makes U.S. lectures about morality and human rights imprudent. Within a decade, it will make them irrelevant. Within two decades, it will make them laughable. By then the Chinese may threaten to withhold most-favored-nation status from the United States unless we do more to improve living conditions in Detroit, Harlem, and South-Central Los Angeles.&quot;
**ibid
*&quot;Our policies of assistance to the developing world are based not solely on altruism but also on self-interest. There are three major areas where our interests are affected by our policies toward the developing world: our economy, our security, and the ominous increase in the number of refugees clamoring to come to the United States ... unless the economies of the Southern Hemisphere grow, this flood of refugees from the developing world will become a deluge.&quot;
**(Cap II, Asia and the New American Century)

== See also ==
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]

==External links==
{{commons|Richard Nixon}}
{{wikisource author}}
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.nndb.com/people/110/000024038/ Nixon at NNDB]
* {{gutenberg author|id=Richard_Milhous_Nixon|name=Richard Nixon}}
* [http://wiredforbooks.org/richardnixon/ 1984 audio interview with Richard Nixon by Don Swaim of CBS Radio, RealAudio]
* [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0506/05/lkl.01.html 1992 transcript of Richard Nixon interview with Larry King]
* [http://www.archives.gov/nixon Nixon Presidential Materials at National Archives]
* [http://www.nixonfoundation.org Richard Nixon Library &amp; Birthplace, Yorba Linda, California]
* [http://www.nixoncenter.org The Nixon Center, Washington, D.C.]
* [http://www.whitehousetapes.org whitehousetapes.org: The Nixon Tapes available online]
* [http://texashistory.unt.edu/search.tkl?type=subject&amp;q=Nixon,%20Richard&amp;q2=KWD Richard Nixon photographs at the Portal to Texas History]
* [http://www.nixonfoundation.org/index.php?src=gendocs&amp;link=FunFacts&amp;category=Home Nixon Fun Facts] via Nixon Foundation
* [http://www.frostnixon.com The Frost Nixon Interviews]

:Biographies
* [http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/rn37.html White House biography]
* {{imdb name|id=0633271|name=Richard Nixon}}

;Watergate
* [http://watergate.info/judiciary/APPI.PDF Judiciary Committee Hearings Appendix I: Presidential Statements on the Watergate Break-in and Its Investigation] 
* [http://watergate.info/impeachment/impeachment-articles.shtml Articles of Impeachment]
* [http://www.lib.berkeley.edu/MRC/watergate.html The Watergate Tapes]

;Speeches
* [http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/nixon-checkers.htm Checkers speech (23 September 1952)]
* [http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/presiden/inaug/nixon1.htm First Inaugural Address (20 January 1969)]
* [http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/presiden/inaug/nixon2.htm Second Inaugural Address (20 January 1973)]
* [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/character/links/nixon_speech.html Resignation speech (8 August 1974)]
* [http://vvl.lib.msu.edu/showfindingaid.cfm?findaidid=NixonR Audio recordings of Nixon's speeches]
* [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/ Public Papers of the Presidents]

;Campaign videos
* [http://livingroomcandidate.movingimage.us/election/index.php?nav_action=election&amp;nav_subaction=overview&amp;campaign_id=170 The Living Room Candidate] — 1972 Nixon vs. McGovern
* [http://livingroomcandidate.movingimage.us/election/index.php?nav_action=election&amp;nav_subaction=overview&amp;campaign_id=166 The Living Room Candidate] — 1956 Eisenhower vs. Stevenson

;Eulogies
* [http://www.watergate.info/nixon/94-04-27_funeral-wilson.shtml Remarks by Governor Pete Wilson of California at Richard Nixon's funeral (27 April 1994)]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nixon, Richard Milhouse}}

[[Category:People from California]]
[[Category:Presidents of the United States]]
[[Category:Quakers]]
[[Category:1913 births]]
[[Category:1994 deaths]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1972]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1968]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1960]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
[[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]]
[[Category:Members of the United States Senate]]
[[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]]
[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>John Cleese</title>
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      <text bytes="12676" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John Cleese at 1989 Oscars.jpg|thumb|He who [[laughs]] most, [[learns]] best.]]

'''[[w:John Cleese|John Marwood Cleese]]''' (born [[27 October]] [[1939]]) is an English comedian and actor best known for being one of the members of the comedy group [[Monty Python]] and for co-writing the TV series [[Fawlty Towers]] in which he played [[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil Fawlty]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:John Cleese 1989.jpg|thumb|[[w:Basil Fawlty|Basil Fawlty]] was an easy [[character]] for me. For some [[reason]], portraying a mean uptight incompetent bully comes naturally to me.]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Street art silly walk.JPG|thumb|]] --&gt; 
[[File:John Cleese 2008.jpg|thumb| When you get to my age … you realize that the the [[world]] is a madhouse and that most [[people]] are operating in [[fantasy]] anyway. So once you realise that, it doesn't bother you much.]] 

* '''I'm struck by how [[laughter]] connects you with [[people]]. It's almost [[impossible]] to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of [[social]] hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a [[force]] for [[democracy]].'''
** From ''[[w:The Human Face|The Human Face]]'', BBC Television (2001)

* '''Four hundred years ago, we would have been burnt for this film. Now, I'm suggesting that we've made an advance.'''
** Defending the film ''[[Monty Python's Life of Brian|Life of Brian]]'' on BBC chat show ''[[w:Friday Night Saturday Morning|Friday Night Saturday Morning]]'' (9 November 1979)

* If I like chocolate it won't surprise you that I have a few chocolates in my fridge, but if you find out I've got 16 warehouses full of chocolate, you'd think I was insane. All these rich guys are insane, obsessive compulsive twits obsessed with money &amp;mdash; money is all they think about &amp;mdash; they're all nuts.
** On ''[[w:Fresh Air|Fresh Air]]'' with Terry Gross, promoting ''[[w:Fierce Creatures|Fierce Creatures]]'', which Cleese says is a satire about [[w:Rupert Murdoch|Rupert Murdoch]]'s greed. (1997)

* [[w:Basil Fawlty|Basil Fawlty]] was an easy character for me. For some [[reason]], portraying a mean, uptight, incompetent bully comes naturally to me.
** On ''Fresh Air'' with Terry Gross (1997)

* If I had not gone into ''[[Monty Python]]'', I probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister [[lawyer]], and gotten a nice house in the suburbs, with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership, and then I would have killed myself.
** On ''Fresh Air'' with Terry Gross (1997)

* '''He who [[laughs]] most, [[learns]] best.'''
** As quoted in ''Creating Emotionally Safe Schools: A Guide for Educators and Parents‎'' (2001) by Jane Bluestein, p. 215

* If you want creative workers, give them enough [[time]] to [[play]].
** As quoted in ''Best New Games'' (2002) by Dale N. LeFevre, p. 9

* [[Technology]] frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers &amp;mdash; which is why almost no technology ever works.
** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2002/11/20/john_cleese_die_another_day_interview.shtml ''BBC'' interview] on ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (20 November 2002)]

* If [[God]] did not intend for us to eat [[animals]], then why did he make them out of meat?
** As quoted in ''W.T.F.? : (What Is Wrong With Tom Faerie?)‎'' (2006) by H. M. Leathem

* You see, you could never do a sketch like that these days. The audience is too uninformed. I blame the Americans. Nation of obese, violent, pig-ignorant, bible-thumping morons contaminating world culture. That’s why I spend most of my time here in France. … Beautiful, isn’t it? Just look at those olive trees. [Interviewer: This is Santa Barbara.]
** From PBS series ''Monty Python's Personal Best: John Cleese's Personal Best'' (2006), playing role of senile old man.

* My biggest regret? Not being knighted by the Queen. I should have been a knight, and I would have been knighted, if I hadn't written one horrible horrible Python sketch which I deeply deeply regret — [''cue Python sketch: &quot;[[w:Upper Class Twit of the Year|Upper Class Twit of the Year]]&quot;'']
** From PBS series ''Monty Python's Personal Best: John Cleese's Personal Best'' (2006), playing role of senile old man.

* '''When you get to my age, and I'm 66 now, you realize that the [[world]] is a madhouse and that most [[people]] are operating in [[fantasy]] anyway. So once you realise that, it doesn't bother you much.'''
** From Channel 4 documentary ''The Secret Life of Brian'' (2007)

* Because these people are operating at a very very low level of mental health, they are incapable of understanding the teaching.
** From Channel 4 documentary ''The Secret Life of Brian'' (2007)

* A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it just destroys any kind of system of dividing people.
** From an [http://www.avclub.com/article/john-cleese-14197 interview] with [[w:The A. V. Club|The A. V. Club]] (2008)

* Aping Urbanity, Oozing with Vanity &lt;br&gt; Plump as a Manatee, Faking Humanity &lt;br&gt; Journalistic Calamity, Intellectual Inanity &lt;br&gt; Fox News Insanity, You're a profanity &lt;br&gt; Hannity
** &quot;Ode To [[Sean Hannity]]&quot;, sent by Cleese to [[Keith Olbermann]], and [http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&amp;brand=msnbc&amp;vid=1211bdfc-2a9a-4e72-911f-e2d954bfe909 read publicly on ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (8 August 2009)]

* When I was teaching, the headmaster told me &quot;You know, the sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.&quot;
** A &quot;tweet&quot; by John Cleese on his @JohnCleese [verified] Twitter account, 4 Apr 2017

* All humans are stupid, but the smarter ones at least have a handle on their own ignorance.
** In conversation with [[w:Matthew Syed|Matthew Syed]]. Matthew Syed, &quot;When dogma beats data, reason is lost&quot;, ''[[w:The Sunday Times|The Sunday Times]]'' (September 27, 2020), p. 21

*History is a history of crime. It’s a history of people who were stronger beating up people who were weaker, and it’s always been that. It’s deeply, deeply distasteful. But to pretend that one lot were worse than another — you do know the British have been slaves twice, right? 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/ “John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022) 

*[People] get competitive about this business of being oppressed,… We were oppressed, the English, by the Romans for 400 [years], from about 0 to 400. 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/“John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022) 

*I want reparations from Italy,… and then the Normans came over in 1066 … they were horrible people from France, and they came and colonized us for 30 years — we need reparations there too, I’m afraid. 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/ “John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022)

*Like most people, the English have therefore had their fair share of slavery throughout history. But to say this in some circles today has become a revolutionary act; something John Cleese has recently learned. Our Leftist elites wish to keep this history buried so they can continue with their reparation shakedowns and other anti-white initiatives. And they will punish anyone who tries to subvert this by telling the truth — even if all he’s doing is telling a joke.
** Spencer Quinn, [https://counter-currents.com/2022/03/john-cleese-did-not-expect-the-woke-inquisition/ John Cleese Did Not Expect the Woke Inquisition], ''Counter-Currents'', 16 March 2022

*There's always been limitations on what they're allowed to say. Why you go to Molière and Louis XIV. I mean Molière had to be a bit careful. And there will always be limitations. I mean in England, until some ridiculous late date like 1965, all plays had to be submitted to what used to be a part of the palace called the Lord Chamberlain, and he would read it and there were hilarious letters used to go back was saying 'you may only say f--- once,' this sort of- ‘and you cannot say bugger. But you can say-' this sort of ridiculous negotiating letters.
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”] ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022) 
 
*But I think it's particularly worrying at the moment because you can only create in an atmosphere of freedom, where you're not checking everything you say critically before you move on. What you have to be able to do is to build without knowing where you're going because you've never been there before. That's what creativity is—you have to be allowed to build. And a lot of comedians now are sitting there and when they think of something, they say something like, 'Can I get away with it? I don't think so. So and so got into trouble, and he said that, oh, she said that.' You see what I mean? And that's the death of creativity. So I would say at the moment, this is a difficult time, particularly for young comedians, but you see, my audience is much older, and they're simply not interested in most of the [[w:Woke |woke] attitudes. I mean, they just think that you should try and be kind to people and that's no need to complicate it, you know?
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”]  ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022)
 
*You can do the creation and then criticize it, but you can't do them at the same time. So if you're worried about offending people and constantly thinking of that, you are not going to be very creative. So I think it has a disastrous effect.
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”]  ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022)

== Quotes about John Cleese ==
* Cleese, who enjoyed a fairly traditional, upper-middle-class upbringing, has dedicated his career to subverting the very same traditional British society which both molded him and projected him into the limelight. He has been enormously popular, in part because the British middle and upper class tend to enjoy that small moral relief which they experience through laughing at themselves. Christianity, nationalism and class have all come under Cleese’s satirical gaze while he continued to enjoy the fruits of the middle-class existence that he so tenaciously and profitably chipped away at. Now, like so many Boomers, he finds himself in the crumbling ruins of that same soppy-stern society, wishing that it would return, if only partially, and has begun a late-life declaration of war against political correctness, multiculturalism and the ‘loony left’ for which he is partly responsible.
** William Guppy, [https://im1776.com/2021/09/24/boomers-review/ Boomers: A Review], ''IM-1776'', September 2021

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{Official website|http://www.thejohncleese.com/}}
* [http://www.johncleesepodcast.co.uk/ Official Podcast]
* [http://www.museum.tv/archives/etv/C/htmlC/cleesejohn/cleesejohn.htm John Cleese at the Museum of Broadcast Communications]
* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/people/john_cleese_person_page.shtml John Cleese at the BBC Guide to Comedy]
* {{IMDb name|id=0000092|name=John Cleese}}
* {{Worldcat id|lccn-n81-74401}}
* [https://archive.is/20121230220735/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23304261-5006016,00.html Podcast to celebrate The Life of Brian (March 2008)]
* [http://www.dailyllama.com/news/2002/llama143.html Daily Llama: John Cleese Visits Lemurs at San Francisco Zoo]
* [http://www.ceskatelevize.cz/ivysilani/1093836883-na-plovarne/204522160010020-na-plovarne-s-johnem-cleesem/bonusy/1740-john-cleese/ On-line video interview for Czech TV (24. 7. 2011)]

{{Monty Python}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleese, John}}
[[Category:Actors from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:English comedians]]
[[Category:English screenwriters]]
[[Category:Producers]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Primetime Emmy Award winners]]</text>
      <sha1>pug8yyrp0m39lhxe3uwkzman337fl9h</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150440</id>
      <parentid>3150438</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:03:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Soapbox Sam</username>
        <id>2404221</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12676" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John Cleese at 1989 Oscars.jpg|thumb|He who [[laughs]] most, [[learns]] best.]]

'''[[w:John Cleese|John Marwood Cleese]]''' (born [[27 October]] [[1939]]) is an English comedian and actor best known for being one of the members of the comedy group [[Monty Python]] and for co-writing the TV series [[Fawlty Towers]] in which he played [[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil Fawlty]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:John Cleese 1989.jpg|thumb|[[w:Basil Fawlty|Basil Fawlty]] was an easy [[character]] for me. For some [[reason]], portraying a mean uptight incompetent bully comes naturally to me.]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Street art silly walk.JPG|thumb|]] --&gt; 
[[File:John Cleese 2008.jpg|thumb| When you get to my age … you realize that the the [[world]] is a madhouse and that most [[people]] are operating in [[fantasy]] anyway. So once you realise that, it doesn't bother you much.]] 

* '''I'm struck by how [[laughter]] connects you with [[people]]. It's almost [[impossible]] to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of [[social]] hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a [[force]] for [[democracy]].'''
** From ''[[w:The Human Face|The Human Face]]'', BBC Television (2001)

* '''Four hundred years ago, we would have been burnt for this film. Now, I'm suggesting that we've made an advance.'''
** Defending the film ''[[Monty Python's Life of Brian|Life of Brian]]'' on BBC chat show ''[[w:Friday Night Saturday Morning|Friday Night Saturday Morning]]'' (9 November 1979)

* If I like chocolate it won't surprise you that I have a few chocolates in my fridge, but if you find out I've got 16 warehouses full of chocolate, you'd think I was insane. All these rich guys are insane, obsessive compulsive twits obsessed with money &amp;mdash; money is all they think about &amp;mdash; they're all nuts.
** On ''[[w:Fresh Air|Fresh Air]]'' with Terry Gross, promoting ''[[w:Fierce Creatures|Fierce Creatures]]'', which Cleese says is a satire about [[w:Rupert Murdoch|Rupert Murdoch]]'s greed. (1997)

* [[w:Basil Fawlty|Basil Fawlty]] was an easy character for me. For some [[reason]], portraying a mean, uptight, incompetent bully comes naturally to me.
** On ''Fresh Air'' with Terry Gross (1997)

* If I had not gone into ''[[Monty Python]]'', I probably would have stuck to my original plan to graduate and become a chartered accountant, perhaps a barrister [[lawyer]], and gotten a nice house in the suburbs, with a nice wife and kids, and gotten a country club membership, and then I would have killed myself.
** On ''Fresh Air'' with Terry Gross (1997)

* '''He who [[laughs]] most, [[learns]] best.'''
** As quoted in ''Creating Emotionally Safe Schools: A Guide for Educators and Parents‎'' (2001) by Jane Bluestein, p. 215

* If you want creative workers, give them enough [[time]] to [[play]].
** As quoted in ''Best New Games'' (2002) by Dale N. LeFevre, p. 9

* [[Technology]] frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers &amp;mdash; which is why almost no technology ever works.
** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2002/11/20/john_cleese_die_another_day_interview.shtml ''BBC'' interview] on ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (20 November 2002)]

* If [[God]] did not intend for us to eat [[animals]], then why did he make them out of meat?
** As quoted in ''W.T.F.? : (What Is Wrong With Tom Faerie?)‎'' (2006) by H. M. Leathem

* You see, you could never do a sketch like that these days. The audience is too uninformed. I blame the Americans. Nation of obese, violent, pig-ignorant, bible-thumping morons contaminating world culture. That’s why I spend most of my time here in France. … Beautiful, isn’t it? Just look at those olive trees. [Interviewer: This is Santa Barbara.]
** From PBS series ''Monty Python's Personal Best: John Cleese's Personal Best'' (2006), playing role of senile old man.

* My biggest regret? Not being knighted by the Queen. I should have been a knight, and I would have been knighted, if I hadn't written one horrible horrible Python sketch which I deeply deeply regret — [''cue Python sketch: &quot;[[w:Upper Class Twit of the Year|Upper Class Twit of the Year]]&quot;'']
** From PBS series ''Monty Python's Personal Best: John Cleese's Personal Best'' (2006), playing role of senile old man.

* '''When you get to my age, and I'm 66 now, you realize that the [[world]] is a madhouse and that most [[people]] are operating in [[fantasy]] anyway. So once you realise that, it doesn't bother you much.'''
** From Channel 4 documentary ''The Secret Life of Brian'' (2007)

* Because these people are operating at a very very low level of mental health, they are incapable of understanding the teaching.
** From Channel 4 documentary ''The Secret Life of Brian'' (2007)

* A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it just destroys any kind of system of dividing people.
** From an [http://www.avclub.com/article/john-cleese-14197 interview] with [[w:The A. V. Club|The A. V. Club]] (2008)

* Aping Urbanity, Oozing with Vanity &lt;br&gt; Plump as a Manatee, Faking Humanity &lt;br&gt; Journalistic Calamity, Intellectual Inanity &lt;br&gt; Fox News Insanity, You're a profanity &lt;br&gt; Hannity
** &quot;Ode To [[Sean Hannity]]&quot;, sent by Cleese to [[Keith Olbermann]], and [http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&amp;brand=msnbc&amp;vid=1211bdfc-2a9a-4e72-911f-e2d954bfe909 read publicly on ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (8 August 2009)]

* When I was teaching, the headmaster told me &quot;You know, the sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.&quot;
** A &quot;tweet&quot; by John Cleese on his @JohnCleese [verified] Twitter account, 4 Apr 2017

* All humans are stupid, but the smarter ones at least have a handle on their own ignorance.
** In conversation with [[w:Matthew Syed|Matthew Syed]]. Matthew Syed, &quot;When dogma beats data, reason is lost&quot;, ''[[w:The Sunday Times|The Sunday Times]]'' (September 27, 2020), p. 21

*History is a history of crime. It’s a history of people who were stronger beating up people who were weaker, and it’s always been that. It’s deeply, deeply distasteful. But to pretend that one lot were worse than another — you do know the British have been slaves twice, right? 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/ “John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022) 

*[People] get competitive about this business of being oppressed,… We were oppressed, the English, by the Romans for 400 [years], from about 0 to 400. 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/“John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022) 

*I want reparations from Italy,… and then the Normans came over in 1066 … they were horrible people from France, and they came and colonized us for 30 years — we need reparations there too, I’m afraid. 
**[https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/john-cleese-sxsw-panel-1235109668/ “John Cleese Had Thoughts on Slavery at SXSW and It Was Super Cringey”], ''The Hollywood Reporter'', James Hibberd (March 12, 2022)

*Like most people, the English have therefore had their fair share of slavery throughout history. But to say this in some circles today has become a revolutionary act; something John Cleese has recently learned. Our Leftist elites wish to keep this history buried so they can continue with their reparation shakedowns and other anti-white initiatives. And they will punish anyone who tries to subvert this by telling the truth — even if all he’s doing is telling a joke.
** Spencer Quinn, [https://counter-currents.com/2022/03/john-cleese-did-not-expect-the-woke-inquisition/ John Cleese Did Not Expect the Woke Inquisition], ''Counter-Currents'', 16 March 2022

*There's always been limitations on what they're allowed to say. Why you go to Molière and Louis XIV. I mean Molière had to be a bit careful. And there will always be limitations. I mean in England, until some ridiculous late date like 1965, all plays had to be submitted to what used to be a part of the palace called the Lord Chamberlain, and he would read it and there were hilarious letters used to go back was saying 'you may only say f--- once,' this sort of- ‘and you cannot say bugger. But you can say-' this sort of ridiculous negotiating letters.
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”] ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022) 
 
*But I think it's particularly worrying at the moment because you can only create in an atmosphere of freedom, where you're not checking everything you say critically before you move on. What you have to be able to do is to build without knowing where you're going because you've never been there before. That's what creativity is—you have to be allowed to build. And a lot of comedians now are sitting there and when they think of something, they say something like, 'Can I get away with it? I don't think so. So and so got into trouble, and he said that, oh, she said that.' You see what I mean? And that's the death of creativity. So I would say at the moment, this is a difficult time, particularly for young comedians, but you see, my audience is much older, and they're simply not interested in most of the [[w:Woke|woke]] attitudes. I mean, they just think that you should try and be kind to people and that's no need to complicate it, you know?
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”]  ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022)
 
*You can do the creation and then criticize it, but you can't do them at the same time. So if you're worried about offending people and constantly thinking of that, you are not going to be very creative. So I think it has a disastrous effect.
**[https://www.foxnews.com/media/john-cleese-wokeness-disastrous-impact-comedy  “John Cleese says wokeness has a 'disastrous' impact on comedy”]  ''Fox News'' (July 20, 2022)

== Quotes about John Cleese ==
* Cleese, who enjoyed a fairly traditional, upper-middle-class upbringing, has dedicated his career to subverting the very same traditional British society which both molded him and projected him into the limelight. He has been enormously popular, in part because the British middle and upper class tend to enjoy that small moral relief which they experience through laughing at themselves. Christianity, nationalism and class have all come under Cleese’s satirical gaze while he continued to enjoy the fruits of the middle-class existence that he so tenaciously and profitably chipped away at. Now, like so many Boomers, he finds himself in the crumbling ruins of that same soppy-stern society, wishing that it would return, if only partially, and has begun a late-life declaration of war against political correctness, multiculturalism and the ‘loony left’ for which he is partly responsible.
** William Guppy, [https://im1776.com/2021/09/24/boomers-review/ Boomers: A Review], ''IM-1776'', September 2021

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{Official website|http://www.thejohncleese.com/}}
* [http://www.johncleesepodcast.co.uk/ Official Podcast]
* [http://www.museum.tv/archives/etv/C/htmlC/cleesejohn/cleesejohn.htm John Cleese at the Museum of Broadcast Communications]
* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/people/john_cleese_person_page.shtml John Cleese at the BBC Guide to Comedy]
* {{IMDb name|id=0000092|name=John Cleese}}
* {{Worldcat id|lccn-n81-74401}}
* [https://archive.is/20121230220735/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23304261-5006016,00.html Podcast to celebrate The Life of Brian (March 2008)]
* [http://www.dailyllama.com/news/2002/llama143.html Daily Llama: John Cleese Visits Lemurs at San Francisco Zoo]
* [http://www.ceskatelevize.cz/ivysilani/1093836883-na-plovarne/204522160010020-na-plovarne-s-johnem-cleesem/bonusy/1740-john-cleese/ On-line video interview for Czech TV (24. 7. 2011)]

{{Monty Python}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Cleese, John}}
[[Category:Actors from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:English comedians]]
[[Category:English screenwriters]]
[[Category:Producers]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Memoirists from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:1939 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Primetime Emmy Award winners]]</text>
      <sha1>gl4fvd2avf1f1amyqz2nuorscjqpcpj</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Walt Disney</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>1983</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150506</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T23:05:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>96.242.238.55</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* 1954 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="46275" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Walt disney portrait.jpg|thumb|I [[believe]] that this frightfulness we see everywhere [[today]] is only temporary. Tomorrow will be better for as long as [[America]] keeps alive the [[ideals]] of [[freedom]] and a better [[life]].]]

'''[[w:Walt_Disney|Walter Elias &quot;Walt&quot; Disney]]''' ([[5 December]] [[1901]] – [[15 December]] [[1966]]) was an American film producer, director, screenwriter, voice actor, and animator. One of the most well-known motion picture producers in the world, Disney was also the artist responsible for works in a variety of other media, the creator of Disneyland and Walt Disney World, and the founder of The Walt Disney Company, the world's largest entertainment and media organization.

== Quotations ==
[[File:Magic Kingdom Space Mountain.jpg|thumb|Disneyland is your [[land]]. Here age relives fond [[memories]] of the [[past]], and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the [[future]].]]
[[File:Matterhorn Climbers 2005.jpg|thumb|A [[person]] should set his goals as early as he can and devote all his [[energy]] and [[talent]] to getting there.]]
[[File:Walt Disney envelope ca. 1921.jpg|thumb|It's kind of [[fun]] to do the impossible.]]
[[File:Sleeping Beauty's Castle at night.JPG|thumb|We don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new [[doors]] and doing new things… and [[curiosity]] keeps leading us down new paths.]]
[[File:TeacupsMadTeaParty wb.jpg|thumb|We're not trying to entertain the [[critics]] … I'll take my [[chances]] with the public.]]
[[File:Walt Disney Snow white 1937 trailer screenshot (12).jpg|thumb|[[Courage]] is the main quality of [[leadership]], in my [[opinion]], no matter where it is exercised. Usually it implies some [[risk]] — especially in new undertakings.]]
[[File:Believe in Holiday Magic Fireworks.jpg|thumb|When we do [[fantasy]], we must not lose [[sight]] of [[reality]].]]
[[File:MainStreetNight wb.jpg|thumb|All right. I'm corny. But I think there's just about a-hundred-and-forty-million people in this country who are just as corny as I am.]]
[[File:香港迪士尼樂園 (24).JPG|thumb|[[All]] we ever intended for him or expected of [[w:Mickey Mouse|him]] was that he should continue to make [[people]] everywhere [[Laughter|chuckle]] with him and at him...]]

[[File:Space Mountain night.JPG|thumb|Somehow, I can't [[believe]] that there are any heights that can't be scaled by a man who knows the [[secret]] of making [[dreams]] come [[true]].]]
[[File:HalloweenScreams.png|thumb|[[Faith]] I have, in myself, in [[humanity]], in the worthwhileness of the pursuits in entertainment for the masses. But wide awake, not [[blind]] faith, moves me.]]
[[File:Disney fireworks.jpg|thumb|[[Fantasy]], if it's really convincing, can't become dated, for the simple [[reason]] that it represents a flight into a dimension that lies beyond the reach of [[time]].]]

===1938===
* Our most important aim is to develop definite personalities in our cartoon characters. We don't want them to be just shadows, for merely as moving figures they provoke no emotional response from the public. We invest them with life a caricature of life.
** [[Walt Disney]] interview, ''[[w:The New York Times|New York Times]]'', (March 1938).

* '''Over at our place, we're sure of just one thing: everybody in the [[world]] was once a [[child]]'''. So in planning a new picture, we don't think of grown-ups, and we don't think of children, but just of '''that fine, clean, unspoiled spot down deep in every one of us that maybe the [[world]] has made us forget and that maybe our pictures can [[help]] recall.'''
** Recorded statement (1938) used in ''The Pixar Story'' (2008)

===1941===
* '''Once a [[man]] has tasted [[freedom]] he will never be content to be a [[slave]]. That is why I [[believe]] that this frightfulness we see everywhere [[today]] is only temporary. Tomorrow will be better for as long as [[America]] keeps alive the ideals of freedom and a better [[life]].''' All men will want to be free and share our way of life. There must be so much that I should have said, but haven't. What I will say now is just what most of us are probably thinking every day. I thank [[God]] and America for the [[right]] to live and raise my family under the flag of [[tolerance]], [[democracy]] and freedom.
** Radio address &quot;Our American Culture&quot; broadcast during an intermission of the Metropolitan Opera. (1 March 1941)

===1946===
* No story in [[English]] [[literature]] has intrigued me more than [[Lewis Carroll]]’s ''[[Alice in Wonderland]]''. It fascinated me the first time I read it as a schoolboy and as soon as I possibly could after I started making animated cartoons, I acquired the film rights to it. People in his period had no time to waste on triviality, yet Carroll with his nonsense and fantasy furnished a balance between seriousness and enjoyment which everybody needed then and still needs today.
** ''American Weekly'' (1946)

===1954===
* '''During the last few years, we've ventured into a lot of different fields. We've had the opportunity to meet and work with a lot of wonderful people. Our only hope is we never lose sight of one thing: that it was all started by a mouse. Now, that is why I want this part of the show to belong to Mickey, because the story of Mickey is truly the real beginning of Disneyland.'''
** ''The Disneyland Story'' television program (27 October 1954)
** Variants:
** '''I only [[hope]] that we don't lose sight of one thing — that it all started with a [[mouse]].'''
*** As quoted in ''The Story of Disney'' (2004) by Adele D. Richardson, p. 41

===1955===
* '''To all who come to this [[happy]] place: Welcome. Disneyland is your [[land]]. Here age relives fond [[memories]] of the [[past]], and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the [[future]].''' Disneyland is dedicated to the [[ideals]], the [[dreams]], and the hard [[facts]] that have created [[America]]; with the [[hope]] that it will be a source of [[joy]] and [[inspiration]] to [[all]] the [[world]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bf2TMwtCUr4 Speech on the opening day of Disneyland (17 July 1955)]

===1957===
* '''All the [[adversity]] I've had in my [[life]], all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me...''' You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
** As quoted in ''The Story of Walt Disney'' (1957)

===1958===
* '''I suppose my formula might be: [[dream]], diversify and never miss an angle.'''
** &quot;Walt's Profit Formula: Dream, Diversity, and Never Miss an Angle&quot; in ''Wall Street Journal'' (4 February 1958)

===1959===
* We are not influenced by the techniques or [[fashions]] of any other company.
** Interview with David Griffiths (1959); as quoted in ''Walt Disney : Conversations'' (2006) edited by Kathy Merlock Jackson
** Paraphrased variant: I am not influenced by the techniques or fashions of any other motion picture company.

===1963===
* '''Well, my [[greatest]] reward, I think, is that I've been able to build this [[wonderful]] organization.''' I've been able to enjoy good [[health]], and the way I feel [[today]], I feel like I can still go on being part of this thing after forty some odd years of [[business]], and also, to have the public appreciate and accept what I've done all these years. That, that is a great reward. … Well of course, [[happiness]] is a state of [[mind]]. You can be happy or you can be unhappy. It's just according to the way you look at things. You know. So I think happiness is [[contentment]] but it doesn't mean you have to have [[wealth]]. But all [[individuals]] are different. Some of us just wouldn't be satisfied with just carrying out a routine job and being happy. Yet I envied those people. I had a brother who I really envied because he was a mailman. But he's the one that had all the [[fun]]. He had himself a trailer, and he used to go out and go fishing, and he didn't worry about payrolls and stories and picture grosses or anything. And he was the happy one. I always said, &quot;He's the smart Disney.&quot;
** Interview with Fletcher Markle (25 September 1963) in ''Walt Disney: Conversations'' (2006) edited by Kathy Merlock Jackson [https://waltdatedworld.com/id140.htm ''The Walt Disney Story'' (1973)]

====Deeds Rather Than Words (1963)====
[[File:Glory, spectre.jpg|thumb| Most things are [[good]], and they are the [[Strength|strongest]] things; but there are [[evil]] things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from [[reality]]. The important thing is to [[teach]] a child that good can always triumph over evil, and that is what our pictures attempt to do.]] 
:&lt;small&gt;Essay contributed to ''Faith Is a Star'' (1963) edited by Roland Gammon&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:EPCOT-Wonders of Life.jpg|thumb|I have long felt that the way to keep [[children]] out of [[trouble]] is to keep them interested in things.]]

* '''Every person has his own [[ideas]] of the act of praying for [[God]]'s guidance, [[tolerance]], and [[mercy]] to fulfill his [[duties]] and [[responsibilities]].''' My own concept of [[prayer]] is not as a plea for special favors nor as a quick palliation for [[wrongs]] knowingly committed. A prayer, it seems to me, implies a [[promise]] as well as a request; at the highest level, prayer not only is a supplication for [[strength]] and guidance, but also becomes an affirmation of [[life]] and thus a reverent [[praise]] of [[God]].

* '''[[Deeds]] rather than [[words]] express my concept of the part [[religion]] should play in everyday [[life]].''' I have watched constantly that in our movie work the highest moral and spiritual standards are upheld, whether it deals with fable or with stories of living action. 

* '''I don't [[believe]] in playing down to [[children]], either in [[life]] or in motion pictures. I didn't treat my own youngsters like fragile [[flowers]], and I think no parent should.''' &lt;br&gt; Children are [[people]], and they should have to reach to [[learn]] about things, to [[understand]] things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. '''Life is composed of [[lights]] and [[shadows]], and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are [[good]], and they are the [[Strength|strongest]] things; but there are [[evil]] things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from [[reality]]. The important thing is to [[teach]] a child that good can always triumph over evil, and that is what our pictures attempt to do.'''

* The [[American]] child is a highly [[intelligent]] human being — characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy [[curiosity]] about the [[world]] in which he lives. [[Lucky]] indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a [[happy]] and [[successful]] [[individual]].

* '''I have long felt that the way to keep children out of [[trouble]] is to keep them interested in things.''' Lecturing to children is no answer to delinquency. Preaching won't keep youngsters out of trouble, but keeping their [[minds]] occupied will.

* '''To me, today, at age sixty-one, [[all]] [[prayer]], by the humble or highly placed, has one thing in common: supplication for [[strength]] and [[inspiration]] to carry on the best [[human]] impulses which should bind us together for a better [[world]].''' Without such inspiration, we would rapidly deteriorate and finally perish. But in our troubled time, the right of men to think and worship as their [[conscience]] dictates is being sorely pressed. We can retain these privileges only by being constantly on guard and fighting off any encroachment on these precepts. '''To retreat from any of the [[principles]] handed down by our forefathers, who shed their blood for the ideals we still embrace, would be a complete [[victory]] for those who would destroy [[liberty]] and [[justice]] for the [[individual]].'''

===1966===
* '''A [[person]] should set his goals as early as he can and devote all his [[energy]] and [[talent]] to getting there.''' With enough effort, he may achieve it. Or he may find something that is even more rewarding. But in the [[end]], no matter what the outcome, he will know he has been [[alive]].
** As quoted in ''Walt Disney, Magician of the Movies'' (1966) by Bob Thomas p. 116

* As the original ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' budget of five million dollars continued to grow, I never saw a sad [[face]] around the entire Studio. And this made me nervous. I knew the picture would have to gross 10 million dollars for us to break even. But still there was no negative head-shaking. No [[prophets]] of doom. Even Roy was happy. He didn't even ask me to show the unfinished picture to a banker. The horrible thought struck me — suppose the staff had finally conceded that I knew what I was doing.
** Statement of 1 October 1966, used in [https://waltdatedworld.com/id140.htm ''The Walt Disney Story'' (1973)]

*That’s a pretty sexy little girl, Ollie
**November 1966 statement to Ollie Johnston (regarding Mowgli's love interest Shanti) during work on ''The Jungle Book'' prior to its 1967 theatre debut, per a 2003 interview that Michael Mallory had with Ollie prior to Ollie's death in 2008, attested in 27 October 2011 [https://www.animationmagazine.net/top-stories/ollie-johnston-even-old-men-need-a-lift/ article by Mallory] in ''Animation Magazine'')

====EPCOT promotional film (1966)====
:&lt;small&gt;The last film which Disney made; first publicly presented at a press conference in Winter Haven, Florida (2 February 1967); also quoted in ''Vinyl Leaves : Walt Disney World and America'' (1992) by Stephen M. Fjellman, p. 114&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Spaceship Earth 2.jpg|thumb|It will be a [[community]] of tomorrow that will never be completed, but will always be introducing and [[testing]] and demonstrating new materials and systems...]]

* '''Here in Florida … we have something special we never enjoyed at Disneyland — the blessing of size.''' There's enough land here to hold all the ideas and plans we can possibly imagine.

* The most exciting and by far the most important part of our Florida Project — in fact, the heart of everything we'll be doing in Disney World — will be our Experimental Prototype Community Of Tomorrow! We call it [[w:EPCOT|EPCOT]].

* '''EPCOT will be an experimental prototype [[community]] of tomorrow that will take its cue from the new [[ideas]] and new [[technologies]] that are now emerging from the creative centers of American industry. It will be a community of tomorrow that will never be completed, but will always be introducing and testing and demonstrating new materials and systems.''' And EPCOT will always be a showcase to the [[world]] for the ingenuity and [[imagination]] of American free enterprise.

===Year unknown===
====published in 1970s====
* Girls bored me — they still do. I love [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] more than any woman I've ever known.
** As quoted in ''You Must Remember This'' (1975) by Walter Wagner

* '''There is more treasure in [[books]] than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and at the bottom of the Spanish Main... and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life.'''
** As quoted in ''Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time'' (1977) by Laurence J. Peter

====published in 1980s====
* We allow no [[Genius|geniuses]] around our Studio.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;'''It's kind of [[fun]] to do the impossible.'''
** As quoted in ''Animated Architecture'' (1982) by Derek Walker, p. 10

====published in 1990s====
* '''We're not trying to entertain the [[critics]] … I'll take my chances with the public.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Disneyland, 1955: Just Take the Santa Ana Freeway to the American Dream&quot; by Karal Ann Marling, in ''American Art'' (Winter-Spring 1991)
** Variant: We are not trying to entertain the critics. I'll take my chances with the public.

* '''I could never convince the financiers that Disneyland was feasible, because [[dreams]] offer too little collateral.'''
** As quoted in ''The Stuff Americans Are Made Of : The Seven Cultural Forces that Define Americans — A New Framework for Quality, Productivity, and Profitability'' (1996) by Joshua Hammond and James Morrison

* '''[[Courage]] is the main quality of [[leadership]], in my [[opinion]], no matter where it is exercised. Usually it implies some [[risk]] — especially in new undertakings.''' Courage to initiate something and to keep it going, pioneering an adventurous [[spirit]] to blaze new ways, often, in our land of [[opportunity]].
** As quoted in ''The Magic of Teamwork'' (1997) by Pat Williams &lt;!-- also quoted in ''The Disney Way Fieldbook'' (2000) by Bill Capodagli and Lynn Jackson, Act III : Dare, p. 147 --&gt; 

* '''Until a character becomes a [[personality]] it cannot be [[believed]].''' Without personality, the character may do [[funny]] or interesting things, but unless people are able to identify themselves with the character, its actions will seem unreal. And without personality, a story cannot ring true to the audience.
** As quoted in ''Seven Minutes : The Life and Death of the American Animated Cartoon'' (1998) by Norman M. Klein. p. 48

====published in 2000====
* '''Well, what the hell's the matter with you; are you some kind of [[faggot]]?'''
** As quoted in ''Tinker Belles and Evil Queens: The Walt Disney Company from the Inside Out'' (2000) by Sean Griffin, p. 99

====published in 2001====
* '''All right. I'm corny. But I think there's just about a-hundred-and-forty-million people in this country that are just as corny as I am.'''
** As quoted in ''The Magic Kingdom : Walt Disney and the American Way of Life'' (2001) by Steven Watts, p. 401

* What are you doing with a car here in 1860?
** To a company publicist at Frontierland in Disneyland, As quoted in ''Be Our Guest: Perfecting the Art of Customer Service'' (Disney Editions, 2001) p. 62

* When we do [[fantasy]], we must not lose [[sight]] of [[reality]].
** As quoted in ''Be Our Guest: Perfecting the Art of Customer Service'' (Disney Editions, 2001) p. 102

* '''For every [[laugh]], there should be a [[tear]].'''
** As quoted in ''The New York Times'' (2 November 2001); also in ''The Victory Letters : Inspiration for the Human Race'' (2003) by Cheri Ruskus, p. 79

* I don't [[believe]] there's a challenge anywhere in the [[world]] that's more important to [[people]] everywhere than finding solutions to the problems of our cities. But where do we begin — how do we start answering this great challenge? Well, we're convinced we must start answering the public [[need]]. And the need is not just for curing the old ills of old cities. We think the need is for starting from scratch on virgin land and building a special kind of new [[community]] that will always be in a state of becoming. It will never cease to be a living blueprint of the [[future]], where people actually live a life they can't find anywhere else in the world.
** On [[w:EPCOT|EPCOT]], quoted in ''Married to the Mouse: Walt Disney World and Orlando'' (2001) by Richard E. Foglesong, p. 67, and ''The Animated Man : A Life of Walt Disney'' (2007) by [[w:Michael Barrier (historian)|Michael Barrier]]

=====''The Quotable Walt Disney'' (2001)=====
:&lt;small&gt;&quot;The Quotable Walt Disney&quot; compiled by Dave Smith&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Disneyland Anaheim.jpg|thumb|Disneyland is a [[work]] of [[love]]…]]
[[File:Epcot IllumiNations- Reflections of Earth 2.jpg|thumb|It will continue to [[grow]] as long as there is [[imagination]] left in the [[world]].]]
[[File:EpcotImagination.JPG|thumb|To the youngsters of [[today]], I say [[believe]] in the [[future]], the [[world]] is getting better; there still is plenty of [[opportunity]].]]

* Actually, if you could see close in my eyes, the [[American]] [[flag]] is waving in both of them and up my spine is growing this red, white and blue stripe.
&lt;!-- ** Also quoted in ''Analecta Husserliana Vol. LXXVIII : Gardens and the Passion for the Infinite'' (2003) edited by Anna-Teresa Tymieniecka --&gt;

* '''Childishness? I think it's the equivalent of never losing your sense of [[humor]].''' I mean, yes there's a certain something that you retain. It's the equivalent of not getting so stuffy that you can't [[laugh]] at others.
&lt;!-- ** Also partly quoted in ''The Magic Kingdom : Walt Disney and the American Way of Life'' (2001) by Steven Watts, p. 401 --&gt;

* I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a [[happy]] place — a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it.

* '''Disneyland is a [[work]] of [[love]]. We didn't go into Disneyland just with the [[idea]] of making [[money]].'''

* Disneyland is like a piece of clay: If there is something I don't like, I'm not stuck with it. I can reshape and revamp.

* '''Disneyland is often called a [[magic]] kingdom because it combines [[fantasy]] and [[history]], adventure and [[learning]], together with every variety of recreation and [[fun]] designed to appeal to everyone.'''

* '''Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to [[grow]] as long as there is [[imagination]] left in the [[world]].'''
** A similar quotes about EPCOT and other similar statements about Disneyland also exist.

* Every child is born blessed with a vivid [[imagination]]. But just as a muscle grows flabby with disuse, so the bright imagination of a child pales in later years if he ceases to exercise it.

* '''It's a [[mistake]] not to give people a [[chance]] to [[learn]] to depend on themselves while they are young.'''

* '''[[Laughter]] is America's most important export.'''

* In my view, wholesome [[pleasure]], sport, and recreation are as vital to this [[nation]] as productive work and should have a large share in the national budget.

* '''That's the real [[trouble]] with the world, too many people grow up. They forget.''' They don't [[remember]] what it's like to be twelve years old. '''They patronize; they treat [[children]] as inferiors. I won't do that. I'll temper a story, yes. But I won't play down, and I won't patronize.'''
** From ''Walt Disney World: Then, Now, &amp; Forever'': Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. They don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. They patronize, they treat children as inferiors. Well, I won't do that. I won't do that. I'll temper a story, yes. But I won't play down, and I won't patronize.

* '''To the youngsters of [[today]], I say [[believe]] in the [[future]], the [[world]] is getting better; there still is plenty of [[opportunity]].''' Why, would you believe it, when I was a kid I thought it was already too late for me to make [[good]] at anything.

====published in 2002====
* '''All we ever intended for him or expected of him was that he should continue to make [[people]] everywhere chuckle with him and at him.''' We didn't burden him with any social [[symbolism]], we made him no mouthpiece for frustrations or harsh [[satire]]. [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey]] was simply a little personality assigned to the purposes of [[laughter]].&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;'''I do not make films primarily for [[children]]. I make them for the child in [[all]] of us, whether we be six or sixty.''' Call the child &quot;[[innocence]]&quot;. '''The worst of us is not without innocence, although buried deeply it might be.''' In my work I try to reach and speak to that innocence, showing it the [[fun]] and [[joy]] of living; showing it that [[laughter]] is [[healthy]]; showing it that '''the human species, although happily ridiculous at times, is still reaching for the [[stars]].'''
** As quoted in ''A Walt Disney World Resort Outing : The Only Vacation Planning Guide Exclusively for Gay and Lesbian Travelers'' (2002) by Dann Hazel and Josh Fippen, p. 211

====published in 2003====
* I do not like to repeat successes, I like to go on to other things.
** As quoted in ''Success'' (2003) by Ariel Books

====published in 2004====
*We have created characters and animated them in the dimension of depth, revealing through them to our perturbed world that the things we have in common far outnumber and outweigh those that divide us.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;'''They say I'm a conservative, but I consider myself a true liberal.'''
**As quoted August 2004 in ''How to Be Like Walt: Capturing the Disney Magic Every Day of Your Life'' by Pat Williams, Jim Denney, pg. 371

* '''[[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] is, to me, a [[symbol]] of [[independence]].''' He was a means to an end. He popped out of my mind onto a drawing pad 20 years ago on a train ride from Manhattan to Hollywood at a time when business fortunes of my brother Roy and myself were at lowest ebb and disaster seemed right around the corner. '''Born of [[necessity]], the little fellow literally freed us of immediate [[worry]].''' He provided the means for expanding our organization to its present dimensions and for extending the medium of cartoon animation toward new entertainment levels. He spelled production liberation for us.
** Quoted in ''A Walt Disney World Resort Outing : The Only Vacation Planning Guide Exclusively for Gay and Lesbian Travelers'' (2002) by Dann Hazel and Josh Fippen, p. 211, and ''Organisation And Complexity : Using Complexity Science to Theorise Organisational Aliveness'' (2004) by Jacco van Uden, p. 43

* '''We felt that the public, and especially the [[children]], like animals that are cute and little. I think we are rather indebted to [[Charlie Chaplin]] for the idea.''' We wanted something appealing, and we thought of a tiny bit of a [[mouse]] that would have something of the wistfulness of Chaplin — a little fellow trying to do the best he could.
** Stating that the development of the [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]] character was inspired by Charlie Chaplin's character &quot;[[w:The Tramp|the Tramp]]&quot;, as quoted in ''How to Be Like Walt : Capturing the Disney Magic Every Day of Your Life'' (2004) by Pat Williams and Jim Denney, p. 52

* '''I [[believe]] in being an innovator.'''
** As quoted in ''Cult of the Mouse : Can We Stop Corporate Greed From Killing Innovation in America?'' (2004) by Henry M. Caroselli, p. 94

* '''Somehow, I can't [[believe]] that there are any heights that can't be scaled by a man by a man who knows the [[secret]] of making [[dreams]] come [[true]].''' The special secret it seems to me is summarized in four C's. They are [[Curiosity]], [[Courage]], [[Confidence]] and Constancy. And the greatest of all is Confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably.
** As quoted in ''Perceive This! : How to Get Everything You Want Out of Life by Changing Your Perceptions'' (2004) by Kevin A. Martin, Ch. 9, No Bar Too High!, p. 64

* All you've got to do is own up to your [[ignorance]] honestly, and you'll find people who are eager to fill your head with [[information]].
** As quoted by Mike Strickland, Director of Photographers at Walt Disney, Co. in ''Power Marketing for Wedding and Portrait Photographers'' (2004) by Mitche Graf, p. 19

* '''We like to have a point of view in our stories, not an obvious moral, but a worthwhile theme.''' … All we are trying to do is give the public [[good]] entertainment. That is all they want.
** As quoted in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004) by Mark I. Pinsky, p. 2

* '''[[Faith]] I have, in myself, in [[humanity]], in the worthwhileness of the pursuits in entertainment for the masses. But wide awake, not [[blind]] faith, moves me.''' My operations are based on [[experience]], thoughtful observation and warm fellowship with my neighbors at home and around the [[world]].
** As quoted in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004) by Mark I. Pinsky, p. 20

=====''How to Be Like Walt : Capturing the Magic Every Day of Your Life'' (2004)=====
:&lt;small&gt; ''How to Be Like Walt : Capturing the Magic Every Day of Your Life'' (2004) by Pat Williams &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Spaceship Earth and the Fountain of Nations at night.jpg|thumb|I always like to look on the [[Optimism|optimistic]] side of [[life]], but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.]]
[[File:MonorailOverLagoon wb.jpg|thumb|[[All]] our [[dreams]] can come true — if we have the [[courage]] to pursue them.]]

* '''I always like to look on the [[Optimism|optimistic]] side of [[life]], but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.''' With the [[laugh]] comes the [[tears]] and in developing motion pictures or television shows, you must combine all the [[facts]] of [[life]] — drama, pathos and [[humor]].
** Ch. 1 : It All Started with a Boy, p. 16

* '''[[All]] our [[dreams]] can come true — if we have the [[courage]] to pursue them.'''
** Ch. 3 : Imagination Unlimited, p. 63; Unsourced variant: All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.

* '''[[Leadership]] means that a group, large or small, is willing to entrust [[authority]] to a person who has shown [[judgement]], [[wisdom]], personal appeal, and proven competence.'''
** Ch. 4 : Animated Leadership, p. 102
** Unsourced variant: Leadership implies a strong faith or belief in something. It may be a cause, an institution, a political or business operation in which a man takes active direction by virtue of his faith and self-assurance. And, of course, leadership means a group, large or small, which is willing to entrust such authority to a man — or a woman — in judgment, wisdom, personal appeal and proven competence.

* Do a [[good]] [[job]]. You don't have to worry about the [[money]]; it will take care of itself. '''Just do your best [[work]] — then try to trump it.'''
** Ch. 6 : Triumph to Tragedy

* A man should never neglect his family for business.
** Ch. 14 : The ''Real'' Walt Disney, p. 361

* '''[[Art]] was always a means to an [[end]] with me.''' You get an idea, and you just can't wait. Once you've started, then you're in there with the punches flying. There's plenty of trouble, but you can handle it. You can't back out. It gets you down once in a while, but it's exciting. Our whole business is exciting.'''
** Ch. 15 : Walt Lives!, p. 367

* I believe firmly in the efficacy of [[religion]], in its powerful influence on a person's whole life. It helps immeasurably to meet the [[storms]] and stress of [[life]] and keep you attuned to the Divine inspiration. '''Without [[inspiration]], we would perish.'''
** Ch. 15 : Walt Lives!, p. 379

====published in 2005====
* I am interested in entertaining people, in bringing [[pleasure]], particularly [[laughter]], to others, rather than being concerned with &quot;expressing&quot; myself with obscure creative impressions.
** Quoted in [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20050507/ai_n14625292/print &quot;The man behind 'The Magic Kingdom'&quot; in ''The Gazette'' [Colorado Springs] (7 May 2005)]

* When I started on Disneyland, my wife used to say, &quot;But why do you want to build an amusement park? They're so dirty.&quot; '''I told her that was just the point — mine wouldn't be.'''
** As quoted in [http://www.viamagazine.com/top_stories/articles/ride_yourlife05.asp &quot;The Rides of Passage&quot; in ''Via'' magazine (July 2005)]

* '''Disneyland is something that will never be finished. It's something that I can keep developing. It will be a live, breathing thing that will need [[change]].''' A picture is a thing, once you wrap it up and turn it over to Technicolor, you're through. ''Snow White'' is a dead issue with me. But I can change the park, because it's [[alive]].
** As quoted in  &quot;The Rides of Passage&quot; in ''Via'' magazine (July 2005)

* '''[[Fantasy]], if it's really convincing, can't become dated, for the simple [[reason]] that it represents a flight into a dimension that lies beyond the reach of [[time]].''' In this new dimension, whatever it is, nothing corrodes or gets run down at the heel or gets to look ridiculous like, say, the celluloid collar or the bustle.
** As quoted in &quot;The Rides of Passage&quot; in ''Via'' magazine (July 2005)

====published in 2006====
* Animation can explain whatever the [[mind]] of man can conceive. This facility makes it the most versatile and explicit means of [[communication]] yet devised for quick mass appreciation.
** As quoted in ''OpenGL Shading Language'' (2006) by Randi J. Rost, p. 411

====published in 2007====
* '''Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious… and [[curiosity]] keeps leading us down new paths.'''
** As quoted in the ending credits of the movie ''[[Meet the Robinsons]]'' (2007)

* '''Animation offers a medium of story telling and visual entertainment which can bring [[pleasure]] and [[information]] to people of all ages everywhere in the [[world]].'''
** As quoted in [http://www.the-review.com/news/article/2344671 &quot;COSI exhibit explores world of cartoons&quot; by Jeffrey Zupanic in ''The Review'' (2 August 2007)]

* I always felt that Uncle Remus should be played by a living person, as should also the young boy to whom Harris' old Negro philosopher relates his vivid stories of the Briar Patch. Several tests in previous pictures, especially in The Three Caballeros, were encouraging in the way living action and animation could be dovetailed. Finally, months ago, we 'took our foot in hand,' in the words of Uncle Remus, and jumped into our most venturesome but also more pleasurable undertaking.
** As quoted in &quot;The Movie: Background&quot;. Song of the South.net. Retrieved 2007-01-18.

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
*&quot;Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.&quot; 

* You can't just let [[nature]] run wild.
** [[w:Walter Joseph Hickel|Walter Joseph Hickel]], on the killing of wolves, as quoted in ''Living With Wolves'' (2005) by James Dutcher. p. 8

* If you can dream it, you can do it.
** Tom Fitzgerald, a Disney Imagineer, as quoted in [https://d23.com/d23-presents-ask-dave-answers-to-questions-asked/ ''Ask Dave'' by Dave Smith (27 February - 12 March 2013)]:
::: Despite its frequent publication, that is not a Walt Disney quote. We checked with Imagineer Tom Fitzgerald for the definitive answer: &quot;I am very familiar with that line because I wrote it! It was written specifically for the [[w:Horizons (Epcot)|Horizons]] attraction at [[w:Epcot|Epcot]] and used in numerous ways, from dialogue in the ride to graphics. I find it amusing that the ''Science of Imagineering'' DVD series attributes it to Walt Disney, but I guess I should be flattered.&quot;
:::* ''Disney Trivia from the Vault'' (2012) by Dave Smith, p. 243
{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Disney or his work ==
[[File:Epcot IllumiNations- Reflections of Earth 3.jpg|thumb|Walt wanted to communicate with a global audience. … He wanted to communicate with a multicultural audience. ~ John Culhane]]
[[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|He was a very religious man, but he didn't believe you had to go to church to be religious. … He respected every [[religion]]. ~ Sharon Disney Lund]]
[[File:Disneyland Sleeping Beauty Winter Castle.jpg|thumb|He probably did more to heal, or at least soothe troubled [[human]] spirits than all the psychiatrists in the [[world]]. ~ [[w:Eric Sevareid|Eric Sevareid]] ]]
* I have seen [[children]] brought to me in terrible [[panics]], and interestingly enough most often the Walt Disney [[movies]] which do depict very disturbing [[mother]] figures. &lt;br&gt; The mothers are always [[killed]] or sent to the [[w:insane asylums|insane asylums]] in Walt Disney movies. They are among my [[experience]] for [[Frankenstein]], the worst movies in the world for children who have had a problems of the loss of a [[parent]].
** [[Lauretta Bender]], ''1954 Senate Subcommittee Hearings into Juvenile Delinquency'', [http://www.thecomicbooks.com/bender.html &quot;Testimony of Dr. Lauretta Bender, senior psychiatrist, Belleveu hospital Newyork N.Y.&quot;]; qtd. in ''The Secret History of Wonder Woman'' (2014) by [[w:Jill Lepore|Jill Lepore]], p. 270

* So I took my drawings out there and did an interview and I got accepted right away. They said, &quot;Come to work.&quot; So I went to work. Walt was still alive then, and he was working on two things; Sleeping Beauty and building Disneyland. Disneyland occupied, probably, about 80% of his time and we got about 20% of it. I remember the meetings and I remember meeting him. I remember what it was like when what we were building was a film that actually had some soul. A piece of artwork That's what we were filming. It wasn't about &quot;make something quick for the marketers.&quot;
** [[w:Don Bluth|Don Bluth]] [http://www.ign.com/articles/2000/06/13/interview-with-don-bluth-part-1-of-3 ''Interview with Don Bluth'', ''IGN''  (2000)]

* When I look at the early days when Walt was really in command of the studio, the pictures did not look like each other at all. They were all different. Bambi doesn't look like Snow White. Snow White doesn't look like Pinnochio. Then Dumbo comes along and that's its own movie and then Fantasia what's that? Each one of these was reaching for something. They all followed the rules of good storytelling.
* I remember once that Walt said something to the effect that, &quot;I'll make the picture; and when I make the picture then you marketing guys can have it.&quot; Nowadays, it's the marketing department telling you what they want.
** Don Bluth [http://www.ign.com/articles/2000/06/14/interview-with-don-bluth-part-2-of-3 ''Interview with Don Bluth'', ''IGN''  (2000)]

* '''Walt wanted to communicate with a global audience.''' … He wanted to communicate with a multicultural audiance. 
** John Culhane, as quoted in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004) by Mark I. Pinsky, p. 4

* (Ha!) You belong to Disney, which means you stay busy &lt;br&gt; Cranking out magic and assembly line whimsy! &lt;br&gt; Artists begging me to stop; I won't let 'em! &lt;br&gt; Labor conditions in my shop? I don't sweat 'em! &lt;br&gt; I'm powerful enough to make a mouse gigantic! &lt;br&gt; With only 3 circles, I dominate the planet! &lt;br&gt; (Ha!) Clearly, there's nobody near me! &lt;br&gt; I'm owning this battle! In fact, I own this whole series! &lt;br&gt; So hop on my Steamboat, boys, but don't rock it! &lt;br&gt; I'll put on a smile on your face and green in your pocket! &lt;br&gt; You'll be safe and insured when you're under my employ! &lt;br&gt; Now, look at it! Gaze upon my empire of joy!
**''Epic Rap Battles of History'', ''Stan Lee vs. Jim Henson'' written by Peter Shukoff (aka Nice Peter) and Lloyd Ahlquist 

* '''Disney, for all his pining for a perfect world (embodied in his depiction of a turn-of-the-century Main Street), did not entirely ignore the authentic. He did kill Bambi's mom, remember. He did permit, perhaps encourage, the occasional sense of [[danger]].'''
** Richard Hoffer, in [http://www.viamagazine.com/top_stories/articles/ride_yourlife05.asp &quot;The Rides of Passage&quot; in ''Via'' magazine (July 2005)]

* Disney World has acquired by now something of the air of a national shrine. American parents who don't take their [[children]] there sense obscurely that they have failed in some fundamental way, like [[Muslims]] who never made it to Mecca.
** [[w:Simon Hoggart|Simon Hoggart]], in ''America: A User's Guide'' (1990) Ch. 9

* There is a relationship between cartooning and people [[w:Miró|Miró]] and [[Pablo Picasso|Picasso]] which may not be understood by the cartoonist, but it definitely is related even in the early Disney.
** [[w:Roy Lichtenstein|Roy Lichtenstein]], as quoted in ''Lichtenstein'' (1972) by John Coplan

* '''He was a very religious man, but he didn't believe you had to go to church to be religious. … He respected every [[religion]].''' There wasn't any that he ever criticized. He wouldn't even tell religious [[jokes]].
** Sharon Disney Lund, his adopted daughter, as quoted in ''How to Be Like Walt : Capturing the Magic Every Day of Your Life'' (2004) by Pat Williams, p. 381

* '''He definitely believed in [[God]] — very definitely. But I think he'd had it [with organized religion] as a child. He never went to church.'''
** Diane Disney Miller, his daughter, as quoted in ''How to Be Like Walt : Capturing the Magic Every Day of Your Life'' (2004) by Pat Williams, p. 380

* That's really an interesting thought because one of things Walt was always complaining about – and I think that's one of the reasons Walt continually pushed for innovation at his studio – was that he always wanted to make things better, he wanted to make new things possible. I think Walt would have been quite impressed with the new digital technology because he would have a brand new tool that he could use in amazing ways. So while on one hand we've lost something as we move forward, I do recognise that things will always be changing. Animation changed from the 1930s to the 40s, on up through the 50s and 60s; there has always been new technologies being created, enabling us to make a better product.
** [[w:Floyd Norman|Floyd Norman]] [http://www.theskinny.co.uk/film/interviews/hard-cel-an-interview-with-disney-animator-floyd-norman ''Hard Cel an interview with Disney animator Floyd Norman'']

* Most family historians agree that Elias's [[authoritarian]] and sometimes cruel [[nature]] — and propensity for whipping and even beating his young sons — played a role in turning Walt and Roy against the church. The brothers' ambivalent relationship with organized [[religion]] is well documented, as is their strong, personal [[faith]] in [[God]].
** Mark I. Pinsky, in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004), p. 17

* '''Despite the absence of a unifying &quot;story&quot; in ''Fantasia'', there are along the way images and sequences with implications and messages — inspirational and disturbing, subtle and strong, [[scientific]] and [[pagan]] and [[Christian]] — [[all]] [[worth]] noting.'''
** Mark I. Pinsky, in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004), Ch. 5, &quot;''Fantasia'' (1940): The Sorcerer's Mascot&quot;, p. 33

* '''Take the serious side of Disney, the [[Confucius|Confucian]] side of Disney. It's in having taken an ''[[w:ethos|ethos]]'' … where you have the values of [[courage]] and tenderness asserted in a way that everybody can [[understand]]. You have got an absolute [[genius]] there.''' You have got a greater correlation of [[nature]] than you have had since the time of [[Alexander the Great]].
** [[Ezra Pound]], in ''Writers at Work, Second Series'' (1963) edited by [[w:George Plimpton|George Plimpton]]

*Walt was a strange kind of guy, but he’s still by all odds the most important person that animation has ever known. Anybody who knows anything about animation knows that the things that happened at the Disney Studio were the backbone that upheld everything else. Disney created a climate that enabled all of us to exist
**Warner Bros animator [[Chuck Jones]], quoted [http://www.mouseplanet.com/8944/Chuck_Jones__Four_Months_At_Disney here]

* '''[[Karl Marx|Marx]] was fortunate to have been born eighty years before Walt Disney. Disney also promised a child's [[paradise]] and unlike Marx, delivered on his [[promise]].'''
** [[John Ralston Saul]], in ''Voltaire's Bastards: The Dictatorship of Reason in the West'' (1992), Ch. 2

* '''He probably did more to heal, or at least soothe troubled [[human]] spirits than all the psychiatrists in the [[world]].'''
** [[w:Eric Sevareid|Eric Sevareid]], on ''CBS Evening News'', as quoted in ''The Gospel According to Disney : Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust'' (2004) by Mark I. Pinsky, p. 21

* Walt considered himself religious yet he never went to church. The heavy dose of religiosity in his childhood discouraged him; he especially disliked sanctimonious preachers. But he admired an respected every [[religion]], and his belief in [[God]] never wavered. 
** Bob Thomas, in ''Walt Disney : An American Original'' (1976; 1994)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://disney.go.com/disneyatoz/familymuseum/index.html Walt Disney Family Museum]
* [http://www.justdisney.com/walt_disney/ Just Disney]
* [http://www.time.com/time/time100/builder/profile/disney.html The TIME 100]
* [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000370/ Walt Disney] at the [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]] 
* [http://www.disneypov.com/ Persistence of Vision (tribute site)]
* [http://www.snopes2.com/disney/waltdisn/frozen.htm#add Urban Legends at Snopes.com]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EnNe3A9fC0&amp;list=PLK2ccNIJVPpB3TOPAzbivJTp1L8wSrKLH Walt Disney Quotes in Video]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Disney, Walt}}
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Company founders]]
[[Category:Cartoonists from the United States]]
[[Category:Animators]]
[[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Film directors from the United States]]
[[Category:Film producers from the United States]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]]
[[Category:Anti-fascists]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:1901 births]]
[[Category:1966 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]
[[Category:Primetime Emmy Award winners]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]

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    <title>Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>CyberJudoon</username>
        <id>2987428</id>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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'''''[[w:Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory]]''''' is a [[w:1971 in film|1971]] [[w:musical film|musical film]] about a poor boy who wins the opportunity to tour the most eccentric and wonderful candy factory of all.
:'' Directed by [[w:Mel Stuart|Mel Stuart]]. Written by [[w:Roald Dahl|Roald Dahl]], based on his book [[w:Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]].''
{{center|'''It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!''' &lt;small&gt;[[#taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Willy Wonka ==
* ''[sings]'' If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.&lt;br&gt;Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.
* ''[sings]'' There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.&lt;br&gt;Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.
* ''[sings]'' A little nonsense now and then&lt;br&gt;Is relished by the wisest men.
** Not original to this work, the proverb dates from at least the 18th century.
* ''[in the tunnel]'' There's no earthly way of knowing&lt;br&gt;which direction we are going.&lt;br&gt;There's no knowing where we're rowing,&lt;br&gt;or which way the river's flowing.&lt;br&gt;Is it raining? Is it snowing?&lt;br&gt;Is a hurricane a-blowing?&lt;br&gt;Not a speck of light is showing,&lt;br&gt;so the danger must be growing.&lt;br&gt;Are the fires of hell a-glowing?&lt;br&gt;Is the grisly reaper mowing?!&lt;br&gt;YES! The danger must be growing,&lt;br&gt;for the rowers keep on rowing.&lt;br&gt;And they're certainly not showing...&lt;br&gt;ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!

== Oompa Loompas ==
* ''[sing]'' Oompa loompa doompadee doo.&lt;br&gt;I've got a perfect puzzle for you.&lt;br&gt;Oompa loompa doompadee dee.&lt;br&gt;If you are wise, you'll listen to me.&lt;br&gt;What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?&lt;br&gt;Eating as much as an elephant eats.&lt;br&gt;What are you at getting terribly fat?&lt;br&gt;What do you think will come of that?&lt;br&gt;I don't like the look of it!

* Oompa loompa doompadee dah.&lt;br&gt;If you're not greedy, you will go far.&lt;br&gt;You will live in happiness too,&lt;br&gt;Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!&lt;br&gt;Doompadee doo!

== Other ==
* '''Computer Operator''': Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days. But now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining golden tickets. ''[pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints out a response]'' It says: &quot;I won't tell. That would be cheating.&quot; ''[pushes the buttons on the machine again]'' I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. ''[the machine prints out another response]'' He says: &quot;What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?&quot; ''[sighs, then pushes the buttons once again]'' I am now telling the computer ''exactly'' what he can do with the lifetime supply of chocolate!!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Charlie''': Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Jumping crocodiles, Charlie! ''Now'' we know who makes the chocolate.
:''[everyone stares in amazement at the Oompa-Loompas]''
:'''Mr. Salt''': I never saw anybody with an orange face before. Funny-looking people, aren't they, Wonka?
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': What are they doing there?
:'''Wonka''': Must be creaming and sugaring time.
:'''Violet''': Well, they can't be real people.
:'''Wonka''': Well, of course they're real people.
:'''Mr. Salt''': Stuff and nonsense!
:'''Wonka''': No. Oompa Loompas.
:'''Group''': ''[turn around]'' Oompa Loompas?!
:'''Wonka''': From Loompaland.
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': Loompaland? There's no such place.
:'''Wonka''': Excuse me, dear lady--
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
:'''Wonka''': Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, &quot;Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids.&quot;
:'''Mr. Salt''': Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
:'''Wonka''': I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. ''[continues]'' And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
:'''Veruca''': Hey, Daddy, ''I'' want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away.
:'''Mr. Salt''': All right, Veruca. All right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
:'''Veruca''': I want an Oompa Loompa now!
:'''Violet''': Can it, you nit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Wonka''': Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple. It tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead. Try it.
:''[the tourists lick the wallpaper]''
:'''Mike''': Mmm! I got a plum.
:'''Charlie''': Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real!
:'''Wonka''': Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
:'''Veruca''': Snozzberries?! Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
:'''Wonka''': We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
:*Here, Wonka is quoting [[Arthur O'Shaughnessy]]'s &quot;[[s:Ode (O'Shaughnessy)|Ode]],&quot; ''[[Arthur O'Shaughnessy#Music and Moonlight (1874)|Music and Moonlight]]'' (1874), lines 1–2.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Mr. Wonka?
:'''Wonka''': I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': I just wanted to ask about the chocolate, the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it?
:'''Wonka''': He doesn't.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Why not?
:'''Wonka''': Because he broke the rules.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': ''What'' rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
:'''Wonka''': ''[angrily]'' Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - &quot;I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained,&quot; et cetera, et cetera... &quot;Fax mentis, ''incendium gloria cultum,&quot;'' et cetera, et cetera... ''Memo bis punitor delicatum!'' It's all there! Black and white, clear as crystal! You ''stole'' Fizzy-Lifting Drinks! You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get... NOTHING!!! You lose! GOOD DAY, SIR! ''[returns to work]''
:'''Grandpa Joe''': ''[shocked]'' You're a crook... ''[furiously]'' You're a cheat and a swindler...! That's what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy's hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! ''[lividly]'' You're an ''inhuman monster!''
:'''Wonka''': I said &quot;GOOD DAY&quot;!! ''[goes on about his work]''
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Come on, Charlie. Let's get out of here. ''[sets to leave]'' I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
:''[he and Charlie are about to leave, when Charlie slowly walks up to Wonka]''
:'''Charlie''': Mr. Wonka?
:''[he places the Everlasting Gobstopper on Wonka's desk and sets off as Wonka stops writing]''
:'''Wonka''': ''[puts his hand on the Gobstopper]'' &quot;So shines a good deed in a weary world.&quot; ''[looks up]'' Charlie? My boy. You've won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would! I just knew you would! Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson! ''[The man originally known as Slugworth walks in.]'' Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson!
:'''Wilkinson''': Pleasure!
:'''Charlie''': Slugworth!
:'''Wonka''': No, no! That's not Slugworth! He works for me!
:'''Charlie''': For you?
:'''Wonka''': I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test! You won!
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Won what?!
:'''Wonka''': The jackpot, my dear sir! The grand and glorious jackpot!
:'''Charlie''': The chocolate?
:'''Wonka''': The chocolate, yes! The chocolate, but that's just the beginning! We hafta get on! We hafta get on! We have so much time, and so little to do! Strike that. Reverse it. This way, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonka''': How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
:'''Charlie''': I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world.
:'''Wonka''': I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you. That's all right, isn't it?
:'''Grandpa Joe''': You're giving Charlie the--?
:'''Wonka''': I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
:'''Charlie''': And that's why you sent out the golden tickets.
:'''Wonka''': That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': And me?
:'''Wonka''': Absolutely.
:'''Charlie''': What happens to the rest--?
:'''Wonka''': The whole family. I want you to bring them all.
:''[he and Charlie embrace]''
:'''Wonka''': But, Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
:'''Charlie''': What happened?
:'''Wonka''': He lived happily ever after.

== Taglines ==
* It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!
* It's Scrumdiddlyumptious!
* Your golden ticket to imagination and adventure!
* Charlie is let loose in the chocolate factory and every kid's dream comes true.
* Enter a world of pure imagination.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gende Wilder|Gene Wilder]] - [[w:Willy Wonka|Willy Wonka]]
* [[w:Jack Albertson|Jack Albertson]] - [[w:Grandpa Joe|Grandpa Joe]]
* [[w:Peter Ostrum|Peter Ostrum]] - [[w:Charlie Bucket|Charlie Bucket]]
* [[w:Roy Kinnear|Roy Kinnear]] - [[w:Mr. Salt|Mr. Salt]]
* [[w:Pat Coombs|Pat Coombs]] - Mrs. Salt
* [[w:Julie Dawn Cole|Julie Dawn Cole]] - [[w:Veruca Salt (character)|Veruca Salt]]
* [[w:Leonard Stone|Leonard Stone]] - [[w:Mr. Beauregarde|Sam Beauregarde]]
* [[w:Denise Nickerson|Denise Nickerson]] - [[w:Violet Beauregarde|Violet Beauregarde]]
* [[w:Ursula Reit|Ursula Reit]] - Mrs. Gloop
* [[w:Michael Bollner|Michael Bollner]] - [[w:Augustus Gloop|Augustus Gloop]]
* [[w:Nora Denney|Nora Denney]] - [[w:Mr. and Mrs. Teevee|Mrs. Teevee]]
* [[w:Paris Themmen|Paris Themmen]] - [[w:Mike Teevee|Mike Teevee]]
* [[w:Gunter Meisner|Gunter Meisner]] - [[w:Arthur Slugworth|Arthur Slugworth]], turned [[w:Mr. Wilkinson|Mr. Wilkinson]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* {{imdb title|id=0067992|title=Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=willy_wonka_and_the_chocolate_factory|title=Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory}}

[[Category:1971 films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Roald Dahl]]
[[Category:German films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Roald Dahl]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]

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'''''[[w:Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory]]''''' is a [[w:1971 in film|1971]] [[w:musical film|musical film]] about a poor boy who wins the opportunity to tour the most eccentric and wonderful candy factory of all.
:'' Directed by [[w:Mel Stuart|Mel Stuart]]. Written by [[w:Roald Dahl|Roald Dahl]], based on his book [[w:Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]].''
{{center|'''It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!''' &lt;small&gt;[[#taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Willy Wonka ==
* ''[sings]'' If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.&lt;br&gt;Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.
* ''[sings]'' There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.&lt;br&gt;Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.
* ''[sings]'' A little nonsense now and then&lt;br&gt;Is relished by the wisest men.
** Not original to this work, the proverb dates from at least the 18th century.
* ''[in the tunnel]'' There's no earthly way of knowing&lt;br&gt;which direction we are going.&lt;br&gt;There's no knowing where we're rowing,&lt;br&gt;or which way the river's flowing.&lt;br&gt;Is it raining? Is it snowing?&lt;br&gt;Is a hurricane a-blowing?&lt;br&gt;Not a speck of light is showing,&lt;br&gt;so the danger must be growing.&lt;br&gt;Are the fires of hell a-glowing?&lt;br&gt;Is the grisly reaper mowing?!&lt;br&gt;YES! The danger must be growing,&lt;br&gt;for the rowers keep on rowing.&lt;br&gt;And they're certainly not showing...&lt;br&gt;ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!

== Oompa Loompas ==
* ''[sing]'' Oompa loompa doompadee doo.&lt;br&gt;I've got a perfect puzzle for you.&lt;br&gt;Oompa loompa doompadee dee.&lt;br&gt;If you are wise, you'll listen to me.&lt;br&gt;What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?&lt;br&gt;Eating as much as an elephant eats.&lt;br&gt;What are you at getting terribly fat?&lt;br&gt;What do you think will come of that?&lt;br&gt;I don't like the look of it!

* Oompa loompa doompadee dah.&lt;br&gt;If you're not greedy, you will go far.&lt;br&gt;You will live in happiness too,&lt;br&gt;Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!&lt;br&gt;Doompadee doo!

== Other ==
* '''Computer Operator''': Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days. But now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining golden tickets. ''[pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints out a response]'' It says: &quot;I won't tell. That would be cheating.&quot; ''[pushes the buttons on the machine again]'' I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. ''[the machine prints out another response]'' He says: &quot;What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?&quot; ''[sighs, then pushes the buttons once again]'' I am now telling the computer ''exactly'' what he can do with the lifetime supply of chocolate!!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Charlie''': Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Jumping crocodiles, Charlie! ''Now'' we know who makes the chocolate.
:''[everyone stares in amazement at the Oompa-Loompas]''
:'''Mr. Salt''': I never saw anybody with an orange face before. Funny-looking people, aren't they, Wonka?
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': What are they doing there?
:'''Wonka''': Must be creaming and sugaring time.
:'''Violet''': Well, they can't be real people.
:'''Wonka''': Well, of course they're real people.
:'''Mr. Salt''': Stuff and nonsense!
:'''Wonka''': No. Oompa Loompas.
:'''Group''': ''[turn around]'' Oompa Loompas?!
:'''Wonka''': From Loompaland.
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': Loompaland? There's no such place.
:'''Wonka''': Excuse me, dear lady--
:'''Mrs. Teevee''': Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
:'''Wonka''': Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, &quot;Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids.&quot;
:'''Mr. Salt''': Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
:'''Wonka''': I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. ''[continues]'' And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
:'''Veruca''': Hey, Daddy, ''I'' want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away.
:'''Mr. Salt''': All right, Veruca. All right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
:'''Veruca''': I want an Oompa Loompa now!
:'''Violet''': Can it, you nit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Wonka''': Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple. It tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead. Try it.
:''[the tourists lick the wallpaper]''
:'''Mike''': Mmm! I got a plum.
:'''Charlie''': Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real!
:'''Wonka''': Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
:'''Veruca''': Snozzberries?! Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
:'''Wonka''': We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
:*Here, Wonka is quoting [[Arthur O'Shaughnessy]]'s &quot;[[s:Ode (O'Shaughnessy)|Ode]],&quot; ''[[Arthur O'Shaughnessy#Music and Moonlight (1874)|Music and Moonlight]]'' (1874), lines 1–2.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;%/&gt;
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Mr. Wonka?
:'''Wonka''': I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': I just wanted to ask about the chocolate, the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it?
:'''Wonka''': He doesn't.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Why not?
:'''Wonka''': Because he broke the rules.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': ''What'' rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
:'''Wonka''': ''[angrily]'' Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - &quot;I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained,&quot; et cetera, et cetera... &quot;Fax mentis, ''incendium gloria cultum,&quot;'' et cetera, et cetera... ''Memo bis punitor delicatum!'' It's all there; black and white, clear as crystal! You ''stole'' Fizzy-Lifting Drinks! You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get... NOTHING!!! You lose! GOOD DAY, SIR! ''[returns to work]''
:'''Grandpa Joe''': ''[shocked]'' You're a crook... ''[furiously]'' You're a cheat and a swindler...! That's what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy's hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! ''[lividly]'' You're an ''inhuman monster!''
:'''Wonka''': I said &quot;GOOD DAY&quot;!! ''[goes on about his work]''
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Come on, Charlie. Let's get out of here. ''[sets to leave]'' I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
:''[he and Charlie are about to leave, when Charlie slowly walks up to Wonka]''
:'''Charlie''': Mr. Wonka?
:''[he places the Everlasting Gobstopper on Wonka's desk and sets off as Wonka stops writing]''
:'''Wonka''': ''[puts his hand on the Gobstopper]'' &quot;So shines a good deed in a weary world.&quot; ''[looks up]'' Charlie? My boy. You've won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would! I just knew you would! Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson! ''[The man originally known as Slugworth walks in.]'' Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson!
:'''Wilkinson''': Pleasure!
:'''Charlie''': Slugworth!
:'''Wonka''': No, no! That's not Slugworth! He works for me!
:'''Charlie''': For you?
:'''Wonka''': I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test! You won!
:'''Grandpa Joe''': Won what?!
:'''Wonka''': The jackpot, my dear sir! The grand and glorious jackpot!
:'''Charlie''': The chocolate?
:'''Wonka''': The chocolate, yes! The chocolate, but that's just the beginning! We hafta get on! We hafta get on! We have so much time, and so little to do! Strike that. Reverse it. This way, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wonka''': How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
:'''Charlie''': I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world.
:'''Wonka''': I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you. That's all right, isn't it?
:'''Grandpa Joe''': You're giving Charlie the--?
:'''Wonka''': I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
:'''Charlie''': And that's why you sent out the golden tickets.
:'''Wonka''': That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.
:'''Grandpa Joe''': And me?
:'''Wonka''': Absolutely.
:'''Charlie''': What happens to the rest--?
:'''Wonka''': The whole family. I want you to bring them all.
:''[he and Charlie embrace]''
:'''Wonka''': But, Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
:'''Charlie''': What happened?
:'''Wonka''': He lived happily ever after.

== Taglines ==
* It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!
* It's Scrumdiddlyumptious!
* Your golden ticket to imagination and adventure!
* Charlie is let loose in the chocolate factory and every kid's dream comes true.
* Enter a world of pure imagination.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Gende Wilder|Gene Wilder]] - [[w:Willy Wonka|Willy Wonka]]
* [[w:Jack Albertson|Jack Albertson]] - [[w:Grandpa Joe|Grandpa Joe]]
* [[w:Peter Ostrum|Peter Ostrum]] - [[w:Charlie Bucket|Charlie Bucket]]
* [[w:Roy Kinnear|Roy Kinnear]] - [[w:Mr. Salt|Mr. Salt]]
* [[w:Pat Coombs|Pat Coombs]] - Mrs. Salt
* [[w:Julie Dawn Cole|Julie Dawn Cole]] - [[w:Veruca Salt (character)|Veruca Salt]]
* [[w:Leonard Stone|Leonard Stone]] - [[w:Mr. Beauregarde|Sam Beauregarde]]
* [[w:Denise Nickerson|Denise Nickerson]] - [[w:Violet Beauregarde|Violet Beauregarde]]
* [[w:Ursula Reit|Ursula Reit]] - Mrs. Gloop
* [[w:Michael Bollner|Michael Bollner]] - [[w:Augustus Gloop|Augustus Gloop]]
* [[w:Nora Denney|Nora Denney]] - [[w:Mr. and Mrs. Teevee|Mrs. Teevee]]
* [[w:Paris Themmen|Paris Themmen]] - [[w:Mike Teevee|Mike Teevee]]
* [[w:Gunter Meisner|Gunter Meisner]] - [[w:Arthur Slugworth|Arthur Slugworth]], turned [[w:Mr. Wilkinson|Mr. Wilkinson]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* {{imdb title|id=0067992|title=Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=willy_wonka_and_the_chocolate_factory|title=Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory}}

[[Category:1971 films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Roald Dahl]]
[[Category:German films]]
[[Category:British films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Roald Dahl]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]

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    <title>Aladdin (1992 Disney film)</title>
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[[File:ShareADreamComeTrue5.JPG|thumb|Genie, you're [[free]]!]] 
'''''[[w:Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] [[w:Disney|Disney]] animated film which relates a version of the story of Aladdin and the magic lamp from The Book of [[One Thousand and One Nights]].
&lt;center&gt;'''Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all would come true. '''&lt;small&gt;([[#taglines|Taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/center&gt;

== Aladdin ==
[[File:Harikalar Diyari Jasmine 06003 nevit.jpg|thumb|The [[law]] is [[wrong]]. If I do [[marry]], I want it to be for [[love]].]]

* ''[chased by Razoul and his guards]'' All this for a loaf of bread?
* Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[gasps and sees a cliff]'' Start panicking!
* Genie, you're free! ''[using his third wish to free Genie from the lamp]''

== Jasmine ==
*Oh, Father! Rajah was just playing with him. Weren't you, Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you?
* Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess any more!
* Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress?
* When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you!
* How dare you! All of you! Standing around deciding my future?! I am not a prize to be won!
* Him! I choose- I choose you, Aladdin.

== Iago ==
* I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this! I'm so ticked off that I'm molting!

== Genie ==
* ''[after coming out of his lamp]'' 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
* Jafar, Jafar, he's our man, if he can't do it: GREAT!!
* All right, you baaaaad boy, but no more freebies.
* ''[after saving Aladdin from drowning]'' Al, I'm gettin' kinda fond of you, kid. Not that I want to pick out curtains or anything.
* ''[last lines]'' Made you look.

== Jafar ==
* ''[having learned from the Cave of Wonders]'' Yes. Only one may enter. I must find this one. This Diamond in the Rough.
* ''[after Aladdin has returned]'' YOU! How many times do I have to kill you, boy?!

== Prince Achmed ==
* You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you!

== Cave of Wonders ==
* Who disturbs my slumber?

== Narrator/Merchant ==
* Ahh! Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer. ''[camera hits him in the face]'' Too close! A little too close. ''[camera backs up]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah.
* ''[holding up an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life; a young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits... with a dark purpose.

== Farouk ==
* She said she knew the sultan!

== Gazeem ==
* A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.

== Dialogue ==
:''[first lines]'' 
:'''Narrator''': Ahh! Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer. ''[camera hits him in the face]'' Too close! A little too close. ''[camera backs up]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah, city of mystery, of enchantment. And the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan on sale today! Come on down! Look at this! Yes! Heh, heh. Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes julienne fries. Will not break! ''[taps it on table]'' Will not... ''[it falls apart]'' It broke! ''[holding up a box]'' Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. ''[he lifts the lid of the box a little and blows a clandestine raspberry]'' Ah, still good. ''[hurries]'' Wait, don't go! I can see that you're only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider... this. ''[holding up an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life; a young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits... with a dark purpose. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': You are late.
:'''Gazeem''': A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': Trust me, my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you.
:'''Iago''': What's coming to you. Awk!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cave''': Who disturbs my slumber?
:'''Gazeem''': It is I, Gazeem, a humble thief.
:'''Cave''': Know this. Only one may enter here. One whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.
:'''Jafar''': What are you waiting for? Go on!
:''[when Gazeem tries to steal the lamp from the Cave of Wonders, the latter swallows him whole]''
:'''Jafar''': No!
:'''Cave''': Seek thee out, the diamond in the rough.
:'''Iago''': I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.
:'''Jafar''': Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy.
:'''Iago''': Oh, there's a big surprise! That's an incredib... I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise! What are we gonna do? We got a big problem here, a big... Mmph!
:''[Jafar grabs Iago's beak to shut him up]''
:'''Jafar''': Yes. Only one may enter. I must find this one, this... diamond in the rough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Guard 1''': ''[spots Aladdin]'' There he is!
:'''Guard 2''': You won't get away so easy!
:'''Aladdin''': ''[holds up the bread]'' You think that was easy?
:''[He turns to see a group of women laughing at him]''
:'''Razoul''': ''[to his guards]'' You two, over that way! And you, follow me! We'll find him!
:''[Aladdin walks up to the women, disguised as one of them]''
:'''Aladdin''': Morning, ladies.
:'''Woman 1''': Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Aladdin?
:'''Aladdin''': Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught.
:'''Razoul''': ''[grabs Aladdin]'' GOTCHA!
:'''Aladdin''': I'm in trouble!
:'''Razoul''': And this time.
:''[Abu screeching]''
:'''Aladdin''': Perfect timing, Abu!
:'''Abu''': Hello.
:'''Aladdin''': Come on, let's get outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Prince Achmed comes storming in from the palace gardens after being rejected by Princess Jasmine]''
:'''Achmed''': I've never been so insulted!
:'''Sultan''': Oh, Prince Achmed, you're, you're not... leaving so soon, are you?
:'''Achmed''': ''[walks away, pants at the butt area are ripped off, revealing spotted underwear]'' Good luck marrying ''her'' off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sultan''': ''[brandishes the piece of Achmed's clothing]'' So, this is why Prince Achmed stormed out!
:'''Jasmine''': Oh, Father! Rajah was just playing with him. Weren't you, Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you? ''[she and her tiger chuckle and then see the Sultan glaring at them]'' Ahem...
:'''Sultan''': Dearest, you've got to stop rejecting every suitor who comes to call! The law says you -
:'''Jasmine''': ''[choruses with him]'' Must be married to a prince...
:'''Sultan''': ...by your next birthday.
:'''Jasmine''': The law is wrong!
:'''Sultan''': You've only got 3 more days!
:'''Jasmine''': Father! I hate being forced into this. If I do marry... I want it to be for love.
:'''Sultan''': Jasmine... it's not only this law... I'm not going to be around forever, and, well, I just want to make sure you're taken care of. Provided for.
:'''Jasmine''': Please, try to understand! I've never done a thing on my own. I've never had any real friends. ''[Rajah looks up, growling]'' Except you, Rajah. ''[Rajah lies down again, smiling]'' I've never even been outside the palace walls.
:'''Sultan''': But Jasmine, you're a princess.
:'''Jasmine''': Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess any more!
:'''Sultan''': Ooooh! ''[to Rajah]'' Allah forbid you should have any daughters!
:''[Rajah grunts confusedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': ''[saving Jasmine from an irate merchant]'' Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. ''[to Jasmine]'' I've been looking all over for you!
:'''Jasmine''': ''[whispering]'' What are you doing?
:'''Aladdin''': ''[whispering]'' Just play along.
:'''Farouk''': You, uh, know this girl?
:'''Aladdin''': Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy.
:'''Farouk''': She said she knew the sultan!
:'''Aladdin''': ''[gesturing to Abu]'' She thinks the monkey is the sultan.
:'''Jasmine''': ''[bowing to Abu]'' O wise Sultan, how may I serve you?
:''[Abu mutters gibberish]''
:'''Aladdin''': Tragic, isn't it? But, no harm done. Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor.
:'''Jasmine''': ''[to a camel]'' Oh, hello, Doctor. How are you?
:'''Aladdin''': ''[through his teeth]'' No, no, no, not that one... Come on, Sultan.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': ''[finds the lamp]'' This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to...?
:''[he suddenly sees Abu about to snatch the ruby from the monkey idol]''
:'''Aladdin''': Abu! NO!
:''[Abu grabs the ruby]''
:'''Cave''': ''[echoes through the chamber]'' INFIDELS!
:'''Abu''': Uh-oh!
:'''Cave''': You have touched the forbidden treasure!
:''[Abu sheepishly tries to put the ruby back in the idol's palm, but the idol melts away]''
:'''Cave''': Now you will never again see the light of DAY!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': ''[hanging from the entrance of the Cave of Wonders]'' Help me out!
:'''Jafar''': Throw me the lamp!
:'''Aladdin''': I can't hold on! Give me your hand!
:'''Jafar''': First give me the lamp!
:''[Aladdin does so]''
:'''Jafar''': ''[laughs triumphantly]'' Yes! At last!
:''[he grabs Aladdin's wrist]''
:'''Aladdin''': What are you doing?
:'''Jafar''': Giving you your reward, your eternal reward! 
:''[he pulls out a dagger and is about to stab Aladdin; Abu bites his arm, forcing him to drop the dagger; Jafar then throws Aladdin and Abu back down the Cave, after the entrance to the Cave of Wonders is sealed, Jafar, thinking that he has the lamp, laughs]''
:'''Jafar''': It's mine. ''[removes his disguise]'' It's all mine! ''[looks into his robe]'' I-- ''[takes a closer look]'' Where is it? ''[pats down his empty robe]'' No! ''[falls to his knees]'' NO!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': ''[after learning Genie's rules]'' Provisos? You mean, limitations on wishes? Some all-powerful genie. He can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us outta this cave. Looks like we're gonna hafta find a way outta here.
:''[Genie stomps his foot loudly in front of the duo]''
:'''Genie''': Excuse me?! ''[scoffs in annoyance]'' Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! Not right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO SIT DOWN!!!
:''[Aladdin and Abu sit on the carpet; Genie joins them]''
:'''Genie''': In case of emergency, ''[points in different directions with many arms]'' the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here,... ANYWHERE! ''[retracts his extra arms]'' Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE...!!!
:''[the carpet takes off and pops out of the cave]''
:'''Genie''': ...OUTTA HERE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Genie and Carpet are playing Chess]''
:'''Genie''': So move!
:''[Carpet takes his queen and knocks Genie's off the board]''
:'''Genie''': Hey! That's a good move. ''[imitates Rodney Dangerfield]'' I can't believe it! I'm losing to a rug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': ''[after transforming Aladdin into a prince]'' He's got the outfit. He's got the elephant. But we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban, kid! We're gonna make you a star!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': ''[to Genie, regretfully]'' Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I.....I can't wish you free.
:'''Genie''': ''[obviously hurt]'' Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was just beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, &quot;Master&quot;. ''[vanishes into his lamp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': ''[comes out of the lamp after Jafar has rubbed it]'' Y'know, Al, I'm getting really...! ''[spots Jafar]'' I don't think you're him. ''[reads from a script and looks at Jafar through opera glasses]'' Tonight the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man.
:''[Jafar throws Genie to the ground, and steps on his face]''
:'''Jafar''': I am your master now!
:'''Genie''': I was afraid of that.
:'''Jafar''': Genie, grant me my first wish. I wish to rule on high as Sultan!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': I'm just getting warmed up! ''[spits fire]''
:'''Aladdin''': Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?!
:'''Jafar''': ''[emerges through the flames]'' A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how SSSSNAKE-LIKE I CAN BE! ''[with these words, Jafar transforms into a giant cobra]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth?!
:'''Iago''': Squeeze him, Jafar. Squeeze him like a…
:'''Jafar''': Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing!
:'''Aladdin''': ''[looks down at Genie]'' The Genie. The Genie! ''[to Jafar]'' The Genie has more power than you'll ever have!
:'''Jafar''': What?!
:'''Aladdin''': He gave you your power! He can take it away!
:'''Genie''': Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?
:'''Aladdin''': Face it, Jafar! You're still just second-best!
:'''Jafar''': ''[gasps]'' You're right! His power does exceed my own. ''[slithers toward Genie]'' But not for long.
:'''Genie''': The boy's crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. One too many hits with a snake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jafar''': ''[after becoming a genie]'' The universe is mine to command! TO CONTROL!!
:'''Aladdin''': Not so fast, Jafar! Aren't you forgetting something?!
:'''Jafar''': Huh?
:'''Aladdin''': You wanted to be a genie? You got it!
:'''Jafar''': WHAT?!
:'''Aladdin''': ''[sucks the evil genie into a black lamp]'' And everything that goes with it!
:'''Jafar''': NO! NO!!
:'''Iago''': I'm gettin' outta here!
:'''Aladdin''': Phenomenal cosmic powers!
:'''Jafar''': NOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''Iago''': ''[Jafar grabs him]'' Come on! You're the genie! I don't wanna be... ''[gets trapped in the lamp with Jafar]''
:'''Aladdin''': Itty-bitty living space.
:'''Genie''': Al! You little genius, you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry I lied to you about being a prince.
:'''Jasmine''': I know why you did.
:'''Aladdin''': Well, I guess... this is... goodbye?
:'''Jasmine''': Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair. I love you.
:'''Genie''': Al, no problem. You still got one wish left! Just say the word, and you're a prince again.
:'''Aladdin''': But, Genie, what about your freedom?
:'''Genie''': Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. ''[pushes Aladdin and Jasmine closer together]'' ''This'' is love. Al, you're never going to find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know: I've looked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Genie''': I'm free... I'm free. ''[to Aladdin]'' Quick, QUICK! Wish for something outrageous, say 'I-I want the Nile'! Wish for the Nile, try that.
:'''Aladdin''': Uh... I wish for the Nile.
:'''Genie''': NO WAY! ''[points and laughs]'' OH, does this feel good! Oh! I'm free! I'm free at last! ''[starts packing a suitcase]'' I'm hitting the road! I'm off to see the world! I'm- ''[Looks at Aladdin who smiles sadly and looks down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aladdin''': Genie, I'm gonna miss you.
:'''Genie''': ''[tearfully]'' Me, too, Al. No matter what anybody says... you'll always be a prince to me. ''[He and Aladdin hug]''
:'''Sultan''': That's right. You have certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned! It's that law that's the problem...
:'''Jasmine''': Father...?
:'''Sultan''': Well, am I Sultan or am I Sultan? From this day forth, the princess shall marry whoever she deems worthy.
:'''Jasmine''': Him! I choose- I choose you, Aladdin.
:'''Aladdin''': Heh. Call me &quot;Al.&quot;

==Cast==
* [[w:Scott Weinger|Scott Weinger]] - Aladdin
** [[w:Brad Kane|Brad Kane]] (singing voice)
* [[Robin Williams]] - The Genie/The Narrator
** [[w:Bruce Adler|Bruce Adler]] (singing voice of Narrator)
* [[w:Jonathan Freeman (actor)|Jonathan Freeman]] - Jafar
* [[w:Linda Larkin|Linda Larkin]] - Princess Jasmine
** [[w:Lea Salonga|Lea Salonga]] (singing voice)
* [[Frank Welker]] - Abu/Cave of Wonders Guardian/Rajah
* [[w:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]] - Iago
* [[w:Douglas Seale|Douglas Seale]] - The Sultan
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Razoul/Farouk
* [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Prince Achmed/Necklace Merchant/Fish Merchant/Camel/Sheep
* [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] - Gazeem/Melon Merchant/Nuts Merchant
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] - Jafar's Horse

== About ''Aladdin'' ==

* The supporting characters are all depicted as nasty mean, people. While the Aladdin character, Jasmine and her father speak unaccented, standard Americanized English all the bad guys speak in foreign accents. The lesson is that anyone with a foreign accent is bad. This is horrendous racism.
** [[w:Don Bustany|Don Bustany]], president of L.A. chapter of the [[w:American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee|American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee]], [http://articles.latimes.com/1993-07-10/entertainment/ca-11747_1_altered-lyric &quot;Disney Will Alter Song in 'Aladdin' : Movies: Changes were agreed upon after Arab-Americans complained that some lyrics were racist. Some Arab groups are not satisfied.&quot;], quoted by David J. Fox, ''Los Angeles Times'', (1993-07-10).

* I saw something that speculates that the peddler at the beginning of 'Aladdin' is the Genie. That's true!&quot;
:* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/aladdin-directors-actually-confirm-crazy-fan-theory_5620fab6e4b08d94253eb6f7 &quot;Aladdin Directors Actually Confirm Crazy Fan Theory&quot;], interviewed by Bill Bradley, ''Huffington Post'', (10/16/2015). 

* One of the things [directors] Ron [Clements], John [Musker], and I were talking about was that, originally, when he came in to the first session, he said, “Do you want me to do kind of an ethnic voice for the Genie?” And we said, “No, no, just be yourself.” And we realized later that “being yourself” for Robin Williams is like being 98 different characters at once. [Laughs].
:* [[w:Eric Goldberg|Eric Goldberg]] [http://moviemezzanine.com/interview-eric-goldberg-of-aladdin/ &quot;Interview Eric Goldberg of Aladdin&quot;], interviewed by ''Movie Mezzanine'', (Oct 12, 2015).

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Aladdin (1992 Disney film)}}
{{commonscat|Aladdin (1992 film)}} 
* {{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/aladdin}}
* {{IMDb title|0103639|Aladdin}}
* {{Allmovie title|1338|Aladdin}}
* {{mojo title|aladdin|Aladdin}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|1042582|Aladdin}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Disney's Aladdin]]
[[Category:Middle Eastern mythology]]
[[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Musker]]</text>
      <sha1>4he3hzy8m3a9zdzquvszkcp8ayambof</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>4250</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150413</id>
      <parentid>3150150</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:26:28Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>ToBeFree</username>
        <id>544797</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18261" xml:space="preserve">{{/header}}

&lt;!---EDIT BELOW ONLY---&gt;

== New report 2022-07-1, 05:15 ==

* {{Vandal|Wisiaszymia}}

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:15, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 05:48, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ferien}} I know. Could you also click the 'confirm' button on his user page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, no, as I have said before, it is not helpful to tag these socks and I do not think it is a helpful use of my time to confirm. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 14:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:25 ==

* {{Vandal|LatanyaBolliger}}

Spam. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:28, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:28 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4CA6:8B74:E4BB:8B04}}

Edit warring. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-2, 04:14 ==

* {{Vandal|Odayreviews1}}

Spam/promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:53, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-3, 05:19 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4D66:2925:2930:1F26}}

Vandalism. Hasn't this IP been reported like a billion times already? [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-5, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|72.213.207.137}}

Sockpuppet, likely open proxy or VPN. p [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:21, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} I think you forgot to block. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:51, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} wow. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|200.171.53.102}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:53, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:54 ==

* {{IPvandal|189.68.182.119}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Thank you! {{smiley}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:55 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.229}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:55, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 02:29 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:D08:1280:88F5::/64}}

Vandalism, sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 03:00 ==

* {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}

Sockpuppeteering. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:F40:907:58E::/64}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 12:18 ==

* {{IPvandal|93.141.247.65}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}}, just one dumb edit. Let me know if there are more. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 20:03 ==

* {{IPvandal|83.7.8.142}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|105.102.240.7}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:done}}{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|79.106.134.246}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 03:33 ==

* {{Vandal|Fashion magazine NYC}}

Promotional username. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Per username policy shouldn't you block indefinitely but with account creation allowed? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It seems generic to me. Is there an actual publication called ''Fashion Magazine NYC''? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:31, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} [https://www.fashionmagazinenyc.com Yes]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:00, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 06:27 ==

* {{IPvandal|181.31.227.135}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:20, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 14:00 ==

* {{Vandal|ElasticBot}}

UAA/vio. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:07, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 19:12 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.0/24}}

Continued vandalism after being warned several times. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-11, 22:46 ==

* {{IPvandal|2804:5d80:8547:9210::/64}}

Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-12, 10:19 ==

* {{Vandal|NelleAbraham657}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:16, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:38, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 02:43 ==

* {{IPvandal|2603:8081:8108::/48}}

{{ping|koavf}} Long-term cross-wiki subtle vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}}, some obviously vandalism. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 12:05 ==

* {{IPvandal|174.192.0.67}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|2601:182:4200:ee0:d041:3177:45d9:ebaa}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 16:09 ==

* {{IPvandal|85.107.124.125}}

Sockpuppet. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:24, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:20 ==

* {{Vandal|Khadima-e-Deoband}}

Please softblock the account, as it was supposedly created by accident. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:21, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, there is no need to block the account. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I said softblock, so it isn't used for accidental sockpuppetry – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, that should only be done if requested. Unless it is specifically asked by the user, this is {{notdone}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:47, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:47 ==

* {{IPvandal|2A02:6080:0:0:0:1:1081:A2D5}}

{{ping|Ferien|Koavf}} GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:58, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:01, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-17, 22:10 ==

* {{Vandal|Dheguffgy}}

Sockpuppet of {{Vandal|Gagdhdkdksnbs}} (based on username, this report was before any edits were made). [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:11, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;New report 2022-07-17, 22:11&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;
* {{IPvandal|166.70.232.196}}

{{ping|Koavf|Kalki}} Sockpuppet.&lt;/s&gt; Edit: [[Special:Diff/3143769|confirmed]] [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-18, 10:12 ==

* {{Vandal|Shekharkhichi}}

Promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:00, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Warning seems sufficient. If it persists, let us know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:23, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 13:15 ==

* {{Vandal| NobleSwafford1}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:15, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:24, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 18:23 ==

* {{IPvandal|192.76.8.85}}

{{ping|koavf}} [[w:WP:HOUNDING|WP:HOUNDING]], [[w:WP:PA|WP:PA]], [[w:WP:CIVILITY|WP:CIVILITY]], [[w:WP:BATTLE|WP:BATTLE]], clearly not here to build a compendium of quotations, long-term vandalism: &lt;sup&gt;[[w:simple:Special:Diff/5677654|[1]]]&lt;/sup&gt;. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} See your talk. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Spambot ==
* {{vandal|Windowcurtainshop}}
Spam [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 08:40, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:21, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-31, 12:44 ==

* {{Vandal|Youkisswetell}}

Spammer/Spambot. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:45, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 ==

* {{IPvandal|152.86.164.35}}

Cross-wiki harassment [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:26, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>swll1ltia95nztswdm6v5w8s7rol80l</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150428</id>
      <parentid>3150413</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:44:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>ToBeFree</username>
        <id>544797</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18526" xml:space="preserve">{{/header}}

&lt;!---EDIT BELOW ONLY---&gt;

== New report 2022-07-1, 05:15 ==

* {{Vandal|Wisiaszymia}}

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:15, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 05:48, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ferien}} I know. Could you also click the 'confirm' button on his user page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, no, as I have said before, it is not helpful to tag these socks and I do not think it is a helpful use of my time to confirm. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 14:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:25 ==

* {{Vandal|LatanyaBolliger}}

Spam. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:28, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:28 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4CA6:8B74:E4BB:8B04}}

Edit warring. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-2, 04:14 ==

* {{Vandal|Odayreviews1}}

Spam/promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:53, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-3, 05:19 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4D66:2925:2930:1F26}}

Vandalism. Hasn't this IP been reported like a billion times already? [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-5, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|72.213.207.137}}

Sockpuppet, likely open proxy or VPN. p [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:21, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} I think you forgot to block. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:51, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} wow. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|200.171.53.102}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:53, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:54 ==

* {{IPvandal|189.68.182.119}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Thank you! {{smiley}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:55 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.229}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:55, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 02:29 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:D08:1280:88F5::/64}}

Vandalism, sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 03:00 ==

* {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}

Sockpuppeteering. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:F40:907:58E::/64}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 12:18 ==

* {{IPvandal|93.141.247.65}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}}, just one dumb edit. Let me know if there are more. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 20:03 ==

* {{IPvandal|83.7.8.142}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|105.102.240.7}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:done}}{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|79.106.134.246}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 03:33 ==

* {{Vandal|Fashion magazine NYC}}

Promotional username. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Per username policy shouldn't you block indefinitely but with account creation allowed? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It seems generic to me. Is there an actual publication called ''Fashion Magazine NYC''? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:31, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} [https://www.fashionmagazinenyc.com Yes]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:00, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 06:27 ==

* {{IPvandal|181.31.227.135}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:20, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 14:00 ==

* {{Vandal|ElasticBot}}

UAA/vio. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:07, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 19:12 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.0/24}}

Continued vandalism after being warned several times. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-11, 22:46 ==

* {{IPvandal|2804:5d80:8547:9210::/64}}

Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-12, 10:19 ==

* {{Vandal|NelleAbraham657}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:16, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:38, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 02:43 ==

* {{IPvandal|2603:8081:8108::/48}}

{{ping|koavf}} Long-term cross-wiki subtle vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}}, some obviously vandalism. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 12:05 ==

* {{IPvandal|174.192.0.67}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|2601:182:4200:ee0:d041:3177:45d9:ebaa}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 16:09 ==

* {{IPvandal|85.107.124.125}}

Sockpuppet. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:24, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:20 ==

* {{Vandal|Khadima-e-Deoband}}

Please softblock the account, as it was supposedly created by accident. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:21, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, there is no need to block the account. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I said softblock, so it isn't used for accidental sockpuppetry – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, that should only be done if requested. Unless it is specifically asked by the user, this is {{notdone}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:47, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:47 ==

* {{IPvandal|2A02:6080:0:0:0:1:1081:A2D5}}

{{ping|Ferien|Koavf}} GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:58, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:01, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-17, 22:10 ==

* {{Vandal|Dheguffgy}}

Sockpuppet of {{Vandal|Gagdhdkdksnbs}} (based on username, this report was before any edits were made). [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:11, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;New report 2022-07-17, 22:11&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;
* {{IPvandal|166.70.232.196}}

{{ping|Koavf|Kalki}} Sockpuppet.&lt;/s&gt; Edit: [[Special:Diff/3143769|confirmed]] [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-18, 10:12 ==

* {{Vandal|Shekharkhichi}}

Promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:00, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Warning seems sufficient. If it persists, let us know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:23, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 13:15 ==

* {{Vandal| NobleSwafford1}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:15, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:24, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 18:23 ==

* {{IPvandal|192.76.8.85}}

{{ping|koavf}} [[w:WP:HOUNDING|WP:HOUNDING]], [[w:WP:PA|WP:PA]], [[w:WP:CIVILITY|WP:CIVILITY]], [[w:WP:BATTLE|WP:BATTLE]], clearly not here to build a compendium of quotations, long-term vandalism: &lt;sup&gt;[[w:simple:Special:Diff/5677654|[1]]]&lt;/sup&gt;. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} See your talk. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Spambot ==
* {{vandal|Windowcurtainshop}}
Spam [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 08:40, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:21, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-31, 12:44 ==

* {{Vandal|Youkisswetell}}

Spammer/Spambot. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:45, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 ==

* {{IPvandal|152.86.164.35}}

Cross-wiki harassment [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:26, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:Now locked; please do also place a local block, though. It may seem pointless first, but having a local block log to point to will help in case the user needs to be re-reported.  [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:44, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>0r1z05syl4cjt9s7j834f1490rhr8n9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150429</id>
      <parentid>3150428</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:45:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>ToBeFree</username>
        <id>544797</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 */ expand</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18642" xml:space="preserve">{{/header}}

&lt;!---EDIT BELOW ONLY---&gt;

== New report 2022-07-1, 05:15 ==

* {{Vandal|Wisiaszymia}}

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:15, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 05:48, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ferien}} I know. Could you also click the 'confirm' button on his user page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, no, as I have said before, it is not helpful to tag these socks and I do not think it is a helpful use of my time to confirm. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 14:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:25 ==

* {{Vandal|LatanyaBolliger}}

Spam. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:28, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:28 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4CA6:8B74:E4BB:8B04}}

Edit warring. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-2, 04:14 ==

* {{Vandal|Odayreviews1}}

Spam/promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:53, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-3, 05:19 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4D66:2925:2930:1F26}}

Vandalism. Hasn't this IP been reported like a billion times already? [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-5, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|72.213.207.137}}

Sockpuppet, likely open proxy or VPN. p [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:21, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} I think you forgot to block. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:51, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} wow. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|200.171.53.102}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:53, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:54 ==

* {{IPvandal|189.68.182.119}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Thank you! {{smiley}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:55 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.229}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:55, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 02:29 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:D08:1280:88F5::/64}}

Vandalism, sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 03:00 ==

* {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}

Sockpuppeteering. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:F40:907:58E::/64}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 12:18 ==

* {{IPvandal|93.141.247.65}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}}, just one dumb edit. Let me know if there are more. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 20:03 ==

* {{IPvandal|83.7.8.142}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|105.102.240.7}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:done}}{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|79.106.134.246}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 03:33 ==

* {{Vandal|Fashion magazine NYC}}

Promotional username. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Per username policy shouldn't you block indefinitely but with account creation allowed? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It seems generic to me. Is there an actual publication called ''Fashion Magazine NYC''? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:31, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} [https://www.fashionmagazinenyc.com Yes]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:00, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 06:27 ==

* {{IPvandal|181.31.227.135}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:20, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 14:00 ==

* {{Vandal|ElasticBot}}

UAA/vio. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:07, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 19:12 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.0/24}}

Continued vandalism after being warned several times. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-11, 22:46 ==

* {{IPvandal|2804:5d80:8547:9210::/64}}

Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-12, 10:19 ==

* {{Vandal|NelleAbraham657}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:16, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:38, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 02:43 ==

* {{IPvandal|2603:8081:8108::/48}}

{{ping|koavf}} Long-term cross-wiki subtle vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}}, some obviously vandalism. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 12:05 ==

* {{IPvandal|174.192.0.67}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|2601:182:4200:ee0:d041:3177:45d9:ebaa}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 16:09 ==

* {{IPvandal|85.107.124.125}}

Sockpuppet. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:24, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:20 ==

* {{Vandal|Khadima-e-Deoband}}

Please softblock the account, as it was supposedly created by accident. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:21, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, there is no need to block the account. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I said softblock, so it isn't used for accidental sockpuppetry – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, that should only be done if requested. Unless it is specifically asked by the user, this is {{notdone}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:47, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:47 ==

* {{IPvandal|2A02:6080:0:0:0:1:1081:A2D5}}

{{ping|Ferien|Koavf}} GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:58, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:01, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-17, 22:10 ==

* {{Vandal|Dheguffgy}}

Sockpuppet of {{Vandal|Gagdhdkdksnbs}} (based on username, this report was before any edits were made). [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:11, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;New report 2022-07-17, 22:11&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;
* {{IPvandal|166.70.232.196}}

{{ping|Koavf|Kalki}} Sockpuppet.&lt;/s&gt; Edit: [[Special:Diff/3143769|confirmed]] [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-18, 10:12 ==

* {{Vandal|Shekharkhichi}}

Promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:00, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Warning seems sufficient. If it persists, let us know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:23, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 13:15 ==

* {{Vandal| NobleSwafford1}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:15, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:24, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 18:23 ==

* {{IPvandal|192.76.8.85}}

{{ping|koavf}} [[w:WP:HOUNDING|WP:HOUNDING]], [[w:WP:PA|WP:PA]], [[w:WP:CIVILITY|WP:CIVILITY]], [[w:WP:BATTLE|WP:BATTLE]], clearly not here to build a compendium of quotations, long-term vandalism: &lt;sup&gt;[[w:simple:Special:Diff/5677654|[1]]]&lt;/sup&gt;. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} See your talk. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Spambot ==
* {{vandal|Windowcurtainshop}}
Spam [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 08:40, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:21, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-31, 12:44 ==

* {{Vandal|Youkisswetell}}

Spammer/Spambot. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:45, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 ==

* {{IPvandal|152.86.164.35}}

Cross-wiki harassment ([https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&amp;page=User%3A152.86.164.35&amp;type=block see enwiki block log]) [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:26, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Now locked; please do also place a local block, though. It may seem pointless first, but having a local block log to point to will help in case the user needs to be re-reported.  [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:44, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>fxectkliabbj5yybhty7b8q3cfu41o0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150436</id>
      <parentid>3150429</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:56:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 */ d</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18935" xml:space="preserve">{{/header}}

&lt;!---EDIT BELOW ONLY---&gt;

== New report 2022-07-1, 05:15 ==

* {{Vandal|Wisiaszymia}}

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:15, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 05:48, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ferien}} I know. Could you also click the 'confirm' button on his user page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, no, as I have said before, it is not helpful to tag these socks and I do not think it is a helpful use of my time to confirm. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 14:50, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:25 ==

* {{Vandal|LatanyaBolliger}}

Spam. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:28, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-1, 18:28 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4CA6:8B74:E4BB:8B04}}

Edit warring. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-2, 04:14 ==

* {{Vandal|Odayreviews1}}

Spam/promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:53, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:52, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-3, 05:19 ==

* {{IPvandal|2600:8807:8004:B100:4D66:2925:2930:1F26}}

Vandalism. Hasn't this IP been reported like a billion times already? [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-5, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|72.213.207.137}}

Sockpuppet, likely open proxy or VPN. p [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:21, 5 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} I think you forgot to block. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:51, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} wow. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:07, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:53 ==

* {{IPvandal|200.171.53.102}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:53, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:54 ==

* {{IPvandal|189.68.182.119}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:42, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Thank you! {{smiley}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-7, 21:55 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.229}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:55, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 02:29 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:D08:1280:88F5::/64}}

Vandalism, sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 03:00 ==

* {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}

Sockpuppeteering. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:00, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:43, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 05:10 ==

* {{IPvandal|2001:F40:907:58E::/64}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|161.142.190.125}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 12:18 ==

* {{IPvandal|93.141.247.65}}

Sockpuppet, likely VPN or open proxy. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}}, just one dumb edit. Let me know if there are more. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-8, 20:03 ==

* {{IPvandal|83.7.8.142}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|105.102.240.7}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:done}}{ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 02:15 ==

* {{IPvandal|79.106.134.246}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 03:33 ==

* {{Vandal|Fashion magazine NYC}}

Promotional username. Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{Done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:23, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Per username policy shouldn't you block indefinitely but with account creation allowed? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It seems generic to me. Is there an actual publication called ''Fashion Magazine NYC''? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:31, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} [https://www.fashionmagazinenyc.com Yes]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:00, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 06:27 ==

* {{IPvandal|181.31.227.135}}

GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:20, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 14:00 ==

* {{Vandal|ElasticBot}}

UAA/vio. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:07, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-10, 19:12 ==

* {{IPvandal|131.100.204.0/24}}

Continued vandalism after being warned several times. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-11, 22:46 ==

* {{IPvandal|2804:5d80:8547:9210::/64}}

Vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-12, 10:19 ==

* {{Vandal|NelleAbraham657}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:16, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:38, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 02:43 ==

* {{IPvandal|2603:8081:8108::/48}}

{{ping|koavf}} Long-term cross-wiki subtle vandalism. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}}, some obviously vandalism. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-14, 12:05 ==

* {{IPvandal|174.192.0.67}}

Sockpuppet of {{IPvandal|2601:182:4200:ee0:d041:3177:45d9:ebaa}}. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 16:09 ==

* {{IPvandal|85.107.124.125}}

Sockpuppet. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:24, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:20 ==

* {{Vandal|Khadima-e-Deoband}}

Please softblock the account, as it was supposedly created by accident. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:21, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, there is no need to block the account. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I said softblock, so it isn't used for accidental sockpuppetry – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, that should only be done if requested. Unless it is specifically asked by the user, this is {{notdone}} --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:47, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-15, 19:47 ==

* {{IPvandal|2A02:6080:0:0:0:1:1081:A2D5}}

{{ping|Ferien|Koavf}} GRP sock. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:58, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:01, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-17, 22:10 ==

* {{Vandal|Dheguffgy}}

Sockpuppet of {{Vandal|Gagdhdkdksnbs}} (based on username, this report was before any edits were made). [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:11, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;New report 2022-07-17, 22:11&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;
* {{IPvandal|166.70.232.196}}

{{ping|Koavf|Kalki}} Sockpuppet.&lt;/s&gt; Edit: [[Special:Diff/3143769|confirmed]] [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-18, 10:12 ==

* {{Vandal|Shekharkhichi}}

Promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:00, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Warning seems sufficient. If it persists, let us know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:23, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 13:15 ==

* {{Vandal| NobleSwafford1}}

Spam, promotion. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:15, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:24, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-20, 18:23 ==

* {{IPvandal|192.76.8.85}}

{{ping|koavf}} [[w:WP:HOUNDING|WP:HOUNDING]], [[w:WP:PA|WP:PA]], [[w:WP:CIVILITY|WP:CIVILITY]], [[w:WP:BATTLE|WP:BATTLE]], clearly not here to build a compendium of quotations, long-term vandalism: &lt;sup&gt;[[w:simple:Special:Diff/5677654|[1]]]&lt;/sup&gt;. [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} See your talk. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Spambot ==
* {{vandal|Windowcurtainshop}}
Spam [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 08:40, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:21, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-07-31, 12:44 ==

* {{Vandal|Youkisswetell}}

Spammer/Spambot. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:45, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== New report 2022-08-1, 19:25 ==

* {{IPvandal|152.86.164.35}}

Cross-wiki harassment ([https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&amp;page=User%3A152.86.164.35&amp;type=block see enwiki block log]) [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:26, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Now locked; please do also place a local block, though. It may seem pointless first, but having a local block log to point to will help in case the user needs to be re-reported.  [[User:ToBeFree|ToBeFree]] ([[User talk:ToBeFree|talk]]) 19:44, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:56, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>hmns28gqw7y6jyw3m5cewlge6022fo3</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Malcolm in the Middle</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>6607</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150421</id>
      <parentid>3147775</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:34:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:249:400:F38:4032:4A64:17FE:FA35</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Health Scare */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="181650" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm in the Middle]]''''' is an American [[w:situation comedy|sitcom]] shown on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]] from January 9, 2000 to May 14, 2006. The series was created by [[w:Linwood Boomer|Linwood Boomer]] and starred [[w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz]] as the titular character Malcolm. And is filmed by Satin City Regency Television and Fox Television Studios and sometimes on 20th Television.

__NOTOC__
{| border=1 cellspacing=0
! align=center bgcolor=#FFCCFF | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! align=center bgcolor=#FF99CC | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! align=center bgcolor=#99CCCC | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 5|Season 5]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9999CC | [[#Season 6|Season 6]]
! align=center bgcolor=#9966FF | [[#Season 7|Season 7]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Pilot|Pilot]]
| align=center | [[#Traffic Jam|Traffic Jam]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Houseboat|Houseboat]]
| align=center | [[#Zoo|Zoo]]
| align=center | [[#Vegas|Vegas]]
| align=center | [[#Reese Comes Home|Reese Comes Home]]
| align=center | [[#Burning Man|Burning Man]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Halloween Approximately|Halloween Approximately]]
| align=center | [[#Humilithon|Humilithon]]
| align=center | [[#Watching the Baby|Watching the Baby]]
| align=center | [[#Buseys Run Away|Buseys Run Away]]
| align=center | [[#Health Insurance|Health Insurance]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Red Dress|Red Dress]]
| align=center | [[#Lois' Birthday|Lois' Birthday]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Emancipation|Emancipation]]
| align=center | [[#Family Reunion|Family Reunion]]
| align=center | [[#Goodbye Kitty|Goodbye Kitty]]
| align=center | [[#Standee|Standee]]
| align=center | [[#Reese vs. Stevie|Reese vs. Stevie]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Dinner Out|Dinner Out]]
| align=center | [[#Stupid Girl|Stupid Girl]]
| align=center | [[#Thanksgiving|Thanksgiving]]
| align=center | [[#Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]
| align=center | [[#Halloween|Halloween]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Home Alone 4|Home Alone 4]]
| align=center | [[#Casino|Casino]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Book Club|Book Club]]
| align=center | [[#Forwards Backwards|Forwards Backwards]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Films Reese|Malcolm Films Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Kitty's Back|Kitty's Back]]
| align=center | [[#Jessica Stays Over|Jessica Stays Over]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Convention|Convention]]
| align=center | [[#Forbidden Girlfriend|Forbidden Girlfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Job|Malcolm's Job]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Christmas Gift|Hal's Christmas Gift]]
| align=center | [[#Secret Boyfriend|Secret Boyfriend]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Shame|Shame]]
| align=center | [[#Robbery|Robbery]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Girlfriend|Malcolm's Girlfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Holds his Tongue|Malcolm Holds his Tongue]]
| align=center | [[#Christmas Trees|Christmas Trees]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Sleepwalks|Hal Sleepwalks]]
| align=center | [[#Blackout|Blackout]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Therapy|Therapy]]
| align=center | [[#Charity|Charity]]
| align=center | [[#Boys at Ranch|Boys at Ranch]]
| align=center | [[#Block Party|Block Party]]
| align=center | [[#Lois Battles Jamie|Lois Battles Jamie]]
| align=center | [[#Army Buddy|Army Buddy]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Malcolm Babysits|Malcolm Babysits]]
| align=center | [[#High School Play|High School Play]]
| align=center | [[#Health Scare|Health Scare]]
| align=center | [[#Grandma Sues|Grandma Sues]]
| align=center | [[#Dirty Magazine|Dirty Magazine]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Car|Malcolm's Car]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Defends Reese|Malcolm Defends Reese]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Bully|The Bully]]
| align=center | [[#Christmas|Christmas]]
| align=center | [[#If Boys Were Girls|If Boys Were Girls]]
| align=center | [[#Hot Tub|Hot Tub]]
| align=center | [[#Billboard|Billboard]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm's Money|Malcolm's Money]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Sleepover|Sleepover]]
| align=center | [[#Old Mrs. Old|Old Mrs. Old]]
| align=center | [[#Poker|Poker]]
| align=center | [[#Long Drive|Long Drive]]
| align=center | [[#Ida's Boyfriend|Ida's Boyfriend]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Opera|Dewey's Opera]]
| align=center | [[#Bride of Ida|Bride of Ida]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Krelboyne Girl|Krelboyne Girl]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Job|Reese's Job]]
| align=center | [[#Kicked Out|Kicked Out]]
| align=center | [[#Softball|Softball]]
| align=center | [[#Living Will|Living Will]]
| align=center | [[#College Recruiters|College Recruiters]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Francis Escapes|Francis Escapes]]
| align=center | [[#New Neighbors|New Neighbors]]
| align=center | [[#Lois's Makeover|Lois's Makeover]]
| align=center | [[#Stereo Store|Stereo Store]]
| align=center | [[#Lois's Sister|Lois's Sister]]
| align=center | [[#Tiki Lounge|Tiki Lounge]]
| align=center | [[#Mono|Mono]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Hal Quits|Hal Quits]]
| align=center | [[#Company Picnic (Part 1)|Company Picnic (Part 1)]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Friend|Hal's Friend]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Dates a Family|Malcolm Dates a Family]]
| align=center | [[#Ida Loses a Leg|Ida Loses a Leg]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Grieves|Hal Grieves]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Krelboyne Picnic|Krelboyne Picnic]]
| align=center | [[#The Grandparents|The Grandparents]]
| align=center | [[#Company Picnic (Part 2)|Company Picnic (Part 2)]]
| align=center | [[#Garage Sale|Garage Sale]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Apartment|Reese's Apartment]]
| align=center | [[#Chad's Sleepover|Chad's Sleepover]]
| align=center | [[#A.A.|A.A.]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Traffic Ticket|Traffic Ticket]]
| align=center | [[#Reese Drives|Reese Drives]]
| align=center | [[#Academic Octathlon|Academic Octathlon]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm Visits College|Malcolm Visits College]]
| align=center | [[#No Motorcycles|No Motorcycles]]
| align=center | [[#Lois Strikes Back|Lois Strikes Back]]
|-
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Lois vs. Evil|Lois vs. Evil]]
| align=center | [[#Cynthia's Back|Cynthia's Back]]
| align=center | [[#Forever|Forever]]
| align=center | [[#Clip Show #2|Clip Show #2]]
| align=center | [[#Polly in the Middle|Polly in the Middle]]
| align=center | [[#Butterflies|Butterflies]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Dentist|Hal's Dentist]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Reese Cooks|Reese Cooks]]
| align=center | [[#Hal's Birthday|Hal's Birthday]]
| align=center | [[#Reese's Party|Reese's Party]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Special Class|Dewey's Special Class]]
| align=center | [[#Ida's Dance|Ida's Dance]]
| align=center | [[#Bomb Shelter|Bomb Shelter]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Stock Car Races|Stock Car Races]]
| align=center | [[#Tutoring Reese|Tutoring Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Hal Coaches|Hal Coaches]]
| align=center | [[#Future Malcolm|Future Malcolm]]
| align=center | [[#Experiment|Experiment]]
| align=center | [[#Motivational Speaker|Motivational Speaker]]
| align=center | [[#Stevie in the Hospital|Stevie in the Hospital]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Funeral|Funeral]]
| align=center | [[#Bowling|Bowling]]
| align=center | [[#Dewey's Dog|Dewey's Dog]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Baby (Part 1)|Baby (Part 1)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Victor's Other Family|Victor's Other Family]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Stilts|Stilts]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Cattle Court|Cattle Court]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Cheerleader|Cheerleader]]
| align=center | [[#Malcolm vs. Reese|Malcolm vs. Reese]]
| align=center | [[#Poker #2|Poker #2]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Rollerskates|Rollerskates]]
| align=center | [[#Mini-Bike|Mini-Bike]]
| align=center | [[#Clip Show|Clip Show]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Baby (Part 2)|Baby (Part 2)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)|Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Buseys Take a Hostage|Buseys Take a Hostage]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Morp|Morp]]
|-
| align=center | [[#The Bots and the Bees|The Bots and the Bees]]
| align=center | [[#Carnival|Carnival]]
| align=center | [[#Jury Duty|Jury Duty]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Smunday|Smunday]]
| align=center | [[#Evacuation|Evacuation]]
| align=center | [[#Cliques|Cliques]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Day Care|Day Care]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)|Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Mrs. Tri-County|Mrs. Tri-County]]
| rowspan=2 align=center | [[#Graduation|Graduation]]
|-
| align=center | [[#Water Park|Water Park]]
| align=center | [[#Flashback|Flashback]]
| align=center | [[#Monkey|Monkey]]
|-
| colspan=3 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#Cast|Cast]]
| colspan=4 align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#External links|External links]]
|}

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!
:''[Flashbacks with Francis being brought home in handcuffs by the police.]''
:'''Francis''': Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.
:''[Scene switches to Francis having sex with his girlfriend, BeeBee.]''
:'''Francis''': I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance. 
:''[Scene switches to Francis destroying a neighbor's car by setting it on fire, which explained his eventual arrest.]''
:'''Francis''': Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.
:''[Flashback ends as Malcolm faces the audience]''
:'''Malcolm''': It's not like it was even '''&quot;our&quot;''' car.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Malcolm's school, Kitty Kenarban, is his teacher in his class. Her personality is more cynical and stern]''
:'''Kitty''': Those of you who are finished with your temper painting can bring it up here and start on your charcoal still life. You may take two pieces of fruit with you, but please be care with them, I bought them with my own money. My own money.

=== ''Red Dress'' ===

:'''Lois''':''[calling]'' Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present? I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:''[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]''
:'''Lois''': Fire? Fire? ''Fire?''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, what?
:'''Lois''': This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever ''done!'' Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! ''Who did this?''
:'''Reese''': Malcolm did it!
:'''Malcolm''': Reese did it!
:'''Reese''': I didn't do it!
:'''Malcolm''': ''I'' didn't do it!
:'''Dewey''': We're going to the dentist?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can]'' Go ahead. It's a name brand. ''[opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it]'' I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. ''[shows Reese, but at a different time]'' And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. ''[shows Dewey, also at a different time]'' And I want that to be you. ''[back to Malcolm]'' Because you always been the best one. ''[back to Reese]'' You've always been the best one. ''[back to Dewey]'' You have always been the best one.
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, honestly, I don't know.
:'''Reese''': ''[different time]'' I don't know.
:'''Dewey''': ''[different time]'' Don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Hey, what am I thinking right now?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
:'''Dewey''': Can you understand what dogs are saying?
:'''Malcolm''': No.
:'''Dewey''': I can.

=== ''Home Alone 4'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
:'''Dewey''': He's...in the bathroom.
:'''Lois''': Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
:'''Dewey''': He's...in the bathroom.
:'''Lois''': They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
:'''Dewey''': I have to go to the bathroom. ''[hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After cleaning up the house]''
:'''Reese''': It's never been this clean before.
:'''Malcolm''': Uh-oh. It's too clean.
:'''Francis''': You're right. She'll never buy it.
:''[The boys start messing up the house]''

=== ''Shame'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': What do you mean he's only seven?!
:'''Nurse''': What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
:'''Malcolm''': He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
:'''Nurse''': He's in second grade! ''[cleaning up Kevin]'' Look at all this blood...
:'''Malcolm''': That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well ''that's'' blood, but...
:''[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]''
:'''Caroline''': Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
:'''Kevin''': ''[bawling]'' I want my Teletubby!
:'''Malcolm''': A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
:'''Caroline''': You beat up a seven-year-old?
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't know!
:'''Caroline''': Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... ''[close to tears]'' On me!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to camera]'' Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! ''[to Kevin]'' Kevin, I'm sorry!
:'''Nurse''': I think you've done quite enough.
:'''Kevin''': This is the worst birthday ever!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
:'''Stevie''': And yet...you keep...talking.

=== ''Malcolm Babysits'' ===
:'''Hal''': Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
:'''Malcolm''': Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Mom, can I have a story? 
:'''Lois''': Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
:'''Dewey''': An evil circus?
:'''Lois''': No, a nice one with monkeys.
:'''Dewey''': Thank you. 

=== ''Sleepover'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
:'''Security Guard''': What's it look like?
:'''Malcolm''': It's a ''chair''... with ''wheels.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis is hanging upside down]''
:'''Stevenson''': You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
:'''Francis''': I'm really not. No.
:'''Stevenson''': ''[dropping the executioner's hood]'' Why not? This stuff is way scary.
:'''Francis''': I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
:''[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel]'' It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
:'''Francis''': ''[flashback ends]'' And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
:''[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]''

=== ''Francis Escapes'' ===
:'''Lois''': Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After finding out Francis escaped]''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, I'm sure he's okay. ''[Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera]'' Uh-oh, tactical error.
:'''Hal''': Why do you think he's okay?
:'''Malcolm''': I mean, he's always okay.
:'''Hal''': Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
:'''Lois''': Oh, for God's sake. ''[to Malcolm]'' WHERE IS HE!!!
:'''Malcolm''': He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. ''[to the camera]'' Oh my God, how did she do that?
:'''Lois''': I knew it. When did you talk to him?
:'''Malcolm''': Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... ''[Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her]'' This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

=== ''Krelboyne Picnic'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Malcolm's class picnic]'' There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
:'''Dewey''': Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
:'''Lois''': That's right. She has two daddies.
:'''Reese''': Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

=== ''Lois vs. Evil'' ===
:''[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door.]''
:'''Hal''': Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
:'''Reese''': Another hour.
:'''Hal''': Yeaow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[Confronting Mr. Pinter]'' Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.

=== ''Stock Car Races'' ===
:''[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]''
:'''Reese''': What are you looking at, monkey boy?
:'''Dewey''': ''[hits himself]'' Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
:'''Reese''': What are you doing?
:'''Dewey''': ''[continues hitting himself]'' Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
:'''Reese''': Cut it out!
:'''Dewey''': Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
:'''Reese''': Knock it off, you little...
:'''Lois''': ''[from the other room]'' REESE!! ''[approaches them]'' What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
:'''Reese''': I didn't do anything!
:'''Lois''': No!
:'''Reese''': He was lying!
:''[Dewey takes Reese's spot]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' I gave him that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
:'''Malcolm''': She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
:'''Lois''': At school? It's the only break I get!

=== ''Funeral'' ===
:'''Lois''': Who's this?
:'''Reese''': How should I know?
:'''Lois''': Hal?
:'''Hal''': Beats me.
:'''Lois''': Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
:'''Dewey''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lois''': Who is he?
:'''Dewey''': I dunno.
:'''Hal''': What's your name, son?
:'''Egg''': ''[Whispering]'' Egg.
:'''Hall''': Did he say Greg?
:'''Lois''': I thought he said Craig.
:'''Dewey''': His name is Egg.
:'''Hal''': Egg?
:'''Dewey''': I named him.
:'''Lois''': Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?
:'''Dewey''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''':''[On the phone with Francis]'' Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
:'''Francis''':''[Elated]'' Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their ''&quot;scapegoat&quot;'' around so everything goes to hell.
:''[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]'' 
:'''Francis''': No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
:'''Malcolm''': A scapegoat, thanks. ''[He quickly hangs up and faces the screen]'' He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]''
:'''Lois''': Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
:'''Dewey''': Present?
:'''Lois''': Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
:'''Hal''': I'm on it. ''[standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick]'' That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
:'''Malcolm''':''[smug]'' There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
:''[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]''
:'''Hal''': You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
:'''Dewey''': Mighty Man?!
:'''Lois''': I can't believe you.
:'''Hal''': This is a whole new low, Reese.
:'''Reese''':''[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch]'' First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
:'''Lois''':''[convinced]'' Who says &quot;we're&quot; not going.
:'''Reese''': You did!
:'''Lois''': Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[At Aunt Helen's funeral]'' Yeah Francis, your father's giving out a speech and it's actually kind of good.
:'''Lawyer''': Can I have my phone back?
:'''Lois''': I'm almost done, sweetie. ''[continues talking to Francis]'' Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
:''[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[yelling at Reese]'' YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
:''[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[to Francis]'' You'll never guess what Reese did.

=== ''Cheerleader'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
:'''Reese''': Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
:'''Malcolm''': You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
:'''Reese''': There's six steps?
:'''Malcolm''': Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
:'''Reese''': You remember that by just watching?
:'''Malcolm''': You guys did it like ten times! 
:'''Reese''': So, you know my routine?
:'''Malcolm''': It's not that hard.
:'''Reese''': But... you know my routine.
:'''Malcolm''': Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
:'''Reese''': No, you don't. You're going to help me.
:'''Malcolm''': That is where I was going.
:'''Reese''': Oh, good. Let's get started.
:'''Malcolm''': No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
:'''Reese''': I know what's more embarrassing.
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Reese''': Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. ''[looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Oh, man! I still play with that.
:'''Hal''': You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. ''[accidentally fires toy gun from the robot]'' Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. ''[imitates robot]'' &quot;I like you!&quot; ''[imitates girl doll]'' &quot;I like you, too!&quot; ''[back to normal voice]'' ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
:'''Dewey''': ''[smiling]'' Not me.
:'''Hal''': Well, ask your brothers.
:''[Malcolm &amp; Reese give disgusted looks]''
:'''Hal''': If the boy is from ''our'' family, it goes a little more like this... &quot;I like you.&quot; &quot;I HATE you!&quot; &quot;Now, I LOVE you!&quot; &quot;LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!&quot; &quot;Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!&quot;

=== ''Rollerskates'' ===
:''[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]''
:'''Lois''': Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
:'''Reese''': Aw, man! ''[After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]''
:''[Lois opens her mouth to scream]''
:...
:''[Lois emits a pained squeak]''
:'''Hal''': You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hal''': Okay, that's it. You just lost these,pal.

:'''Malcolm''': Oh, yeah? Well, You! You heard me.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Reese''': I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
:'''Malcolm''': Do you think he told mom?
:'''Reese''': I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.
:'''Malcolm''': What are you talking about?
:'''Reese''':''[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication]'' Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

=== ''The Bots and the Bees'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[answering the phone]'' Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. ''[hangs up; rips the phone from wall]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spangler''': Hello!
:'''Lois''': Who are you?
:'''Spangler''': Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
:'''Lois''': Good for you. Where's your eye?
:'''Spangler''': Pardon?
:'''Lois''': Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
:'''Spangler''': Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
:'''Lois''': Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
:'''Spangler''': Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
:'''Lois''': Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play &quot;army man&quot; somewhere else?
:'''Spangler''': ''[walking away]'' God, she is magnificent.
 
=== ''Smunday'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
:'''Reese''': So where's the real letter?
:'''Malcolm''': I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
:'''Malcolm''': You WHAT?!
:''[A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]''
:'''Lois''': I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!
:'''Reese''': OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.
:'''Lois''': Oh, shut up, Reese!
:'''Malcolm'''': Mom, stop it. You're sick.
:'''Lois''': I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?
:''[Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]''
:'''Lois''': He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...
:''[She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
:'''Francis''': I know, you guys would never do that to me. 
:'''Malcolm''': But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right? 
:'''Francis''': Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter. 
:'''Malcolm''': Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
:'''Francis''': So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah. You can yell at us now.
:'''Francis''': No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

=== ''Water Park'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[bursts into the room]'' Who wants to make five bucks?
:'''Malcolm''': How?
:'''Hal''': I need someone to take the fall.
:'''Lois''': ''[from downstairs]'' Oh, my God...
:'''Malcolm''': What did you do?
:'''Hal''': I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
:'''Lois''': Oh, my God!
:'''Malcolm''': Make it ten.
:'''Hal''': Done.
:'''Lois''': '''''Oh, my God!'''''
:'''Hal''': ''[whispers]'' You're a good son. ''[drags Malcolm out by his collar]'' I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
:''[flashback]''
:'''Baby-sitter A''': ''[cooing]'' Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— ''[screams as her finger is bitten]''
:'''Baby-sitter B''': I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? ''[screams, running from the house]''
:'''Baby-sitter C''': ''[locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese]'' You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
:''[back to the present]''
:'''Malcolm''': I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''(to Malcolm and Reese)'' Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! ARE YOU ABORIGINES?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me... ''[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]'' Don't you dare!
:''[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]''
:'''Attendant''': Arms and legs crossed at all times.
:'''Reese''': That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah.
:'''Reese''': You're gonna die.
:'''Malcolm''': I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
:''[Lois grabs Malcolm's nose plug and pulls the two of them down the slide.]''

==Season 2==
=== ''Traffic Jam'' ===
:''[Outside Wavetown USA's waterpark entrance.]''
:'''Malcolm''':''[first lines]'' Ok, here's the thing about my family. We don't go on a lot of outings together, but when we do, there's a little thing we always ends up observing.
:''(Hal is talking to a security guard, after his family is banned from the Wavetown USA's waterpark)''
:'''Hal''': When you say &quot;lifetime ban&quot;, I mean, who's lifetime are you talking about?
:''(Lois is seen dragging Malcolm and Reese by the ear, while the security guard sends Hal on his way out to the parking lot for the rule violations the family has incurred. This includes Hal sneaking alcohol in a suntan lotion, along with the boys fighting)''
:'''Lois''':''[punishing Malcolm and Reese]'' Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
:'''Malcolm''': Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
:''[Lois continues dragging Malcolm along with Reese to the family car.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The children is arguing with Clyde of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]''
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!
:'''Erin''': He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!
:'''Reese:''' This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! ''PURE EVIL!''
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man:''' Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.
:''[The driver goes back into the ice cream truck and shuts the door]''
:'''Reese:''' You son of a!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, there's nothing you can do!
:'''Reese:''' Yes, there is! I can... I can...
:''[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]''
:'''Jessica:''' And the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] goes to...
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
:'''Jessica:''' I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.
:'''Malcolm:''' Malcolm, crappy minivan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
:'''Construction Worker''': That's right.
:'''Lois''': And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
:'''Construction Worker''': That's right.
:'''Lois''': THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese tries to break the back door of the ice cream truck with a crowbar. Suddenly, Mr. Wells comes to grabs his arms]''
:'''Mr. Wells''': Hey, not so fast, Charlie!
:'''Reese''': Let go of me!
:'''Mr. Wells''': What are you think you're doing, huh?
:'''Reese''': Nothing! Just going from a wall!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': What the hell's going on?!
:'''Mr. Wells''': That kid was trying to break into your truck!  
:'''Reese''': Let go of me, man! I want some damn ice cream!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': You don't deserve ice cream!
:'''Reese''': Yeah? Well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!
:''[He stomps his foot, Mr. Wells screams and runs away]'''
:'''Mr. Wells''': Come here, you punk! You little punk!
:'''Clyde the Ice Cream Man''': That will teach you to mess with me! I was disturb to here in my country!
:''[He goes back into the ice cream truck and closes it. He was gasps that the ice cream is messed up]''

=== ''Halloween Approximately'' ===
:''[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]''
:'''Malcolm''': When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
:'''Reese''': I think before Dewey.
:''[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]''
:'''Malcolm''': It's all you, man.
:''[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[aside]'' This is a game that has no winners.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender. 
:'''Reese''': Yeah it is. It's the 31st. 
:'''Francis''': No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
:'''Reese''': No, look! It is the 31st! 

=== ''Lois' Birthday'' ===
:'''Boy''': Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
:'''Lois''': ''[inside a batting cage]'' I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Francis keeps talking to another girl]''
:'''Amaani''': You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
:'''Francis''': Oh.
:'''Amaani''': Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

=== ''Dinner Out'' ===
:'''Lois''': It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited us to dinner.
:'''Hal''': Good for you.
:'''Lois''': I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to have dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner. 
:'''Hal''': I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
:''[The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abe''': [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
:'''Hal''': How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
:'''Abe''': Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
:'''Hal''': Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
:'''Abe''': Damn it. Enough is enough! ''[gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot]''
:'''Hal''': You go, Abe!

=== ''Casino'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?
:'''Hal''': We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.
:'''Lois''': Okay, what you've done?
:'''Hal''': Uh...
:'''Lois''': Why are you avoiding the casino?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': I'm thirsty. 
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand. 
:'''Reese''': Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

=== ''Convention'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Dewey]'' I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Patty Henderson''': Hi, I'm Patty. Your babysitter?

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Lois''': In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
:'''Hal''': ''[all worked up]'' Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
:'''Lois''': And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
:'''Hal''': ''[looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again]'' Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. ''[calming down]'' I have a legitimate situation here.
:'''Lois''': I know, baby. ''[kisses Hal]''
:''[Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him.]''

=== ''Robbery'' ===
:'''Hal''': So, Dewey, how was school today?
:'''Dewey''': Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
:'''Hal''': Well, did you push him back? 
:'''Dewey''': No, he's bigger than me. 
:'''Hal''': Uh-huh... Reese? 
:'''Reese''': I'm on it. 

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Craig''': Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me. 
:'''Robber''': Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God, a gun!
:'''Lois''': Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave. 
:'''Craig''': What about the safe? 
:'''Robber''': What safe? 
:'''Craig''': -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

=== ''Therapy'' ===
:'''Lois''': And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
:'''Hal''': We've never finished our last family project.
:'''Lois''': Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

&lt;hr width = 50%/&gt;
:'''Reese''': You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
:'''Malcolm''': Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
:'''Reese''': Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

=== ''High School Play'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Live, live, die! ''[Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away]'' Live, live, live, live, die! ''[Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]'' 
:'''Hal''': Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders? 
:'''Dewey''': I had them lined up and shot. 
:'''Hal''': You know son, maybe you've been spending too much... 
:'''Dewey''': Silence! Seize him! ''[Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]'' 
:'''Hal''': All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. ''[Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]'' 
:'''Dewey''': Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men! 
:''[Lois arrives home]'' 
:'''Lois''': Hal! Why is this still here! ''[Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror]'' Ow. 
:''[Reese runs in when he hears noise]'' 
:'''Reese''': No fair! You did it without me! 

=== ''The Bully'' ===
:''[At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]''
:'''Eric''': Hold him down! You, shave his butt!
:'''Francis''': Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...''[lowers voice]'' birthday!
:'''Lois''': Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.
:'''Francis''': But Mom-!
:'''Lois''': Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.
:'''Francis''': Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...''[lowers voice] birthday''! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!
:'''Lois''': I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!
:'''Francis''': What stories?!
:'''Lois''': Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?!
:'''Francis''': Which were never caught!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking about joining a cult, Reese! 
:'''Reese''': My name isn't Reese anymore. 
:'''Malcolm''': Then what is it?
:'''Reese''': I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

=== ''Old Mrs. Old'' ===

:'''Mrs. Griffin''': What are you doing in my yard?

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

:'''Lois''': ''[to Malcolm]'' At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
:'''Hal''': Count your blessings, son.
:'''Lois''': I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
:'''Malcolm''': Every day?!
:'''Lois''': Not one word! Every day! End of story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?
:'''Dewey''': Is one of them fat?
:'''Reese''': It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

=== ''Krelboyne Girl'' ===
:'''Reese''': Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?
:'''Malcolm''': She's not my girlfriend.
:'''Reese''': I don't know. I think I see a spark. ''[bops Cynthia's nose]'' Boop!
:'''Cynthia''': Please don't do that.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Yeah, that'll help.
:'''Reese''': Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.
:''[Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table]''
:'''Cynthia''': Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
:'''Reese''': ''[sobbing in pain]'' My body is composed entirely of snot.
:'''Cynthia''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Anything you'd like to add?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm good.
:''[Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cynthia''': Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? ''[imitates Lloyd]'' I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. ''[imitates Dabney]'' Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? ''[Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd]'' I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. ''[Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney]'' Waiting is such sweet agony. ''[Malcolm &amp; Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd]'' Okay, I'm ready. ''[imitates Dabney]'' Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. ''[imitates Lloyd]'' Oh, you're such a tease.
:''[Malcolm &amp; Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves]''

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Cynthia's dad''': Why the hell did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 in the morning?!

=== ''New Neighbors'' ===
:'''Reese''': AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me! 
:'''Lois''': Uh, your daughter is biting my son.
:'''Reese''': She won't let go!
:'''Tina''': Oh, look, they're just playing.
:'''Reese''': Ow, it hurts! It ''hurts''! ''Mommy''! Oww! Ow!
:''[Lois calmly goes over to where Emily is biting Reese's leg, then reaches down and pinches her nose shut.]''
:'''Lois''': Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': What are you looking at?
:'''Hal''': Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
:'''Lois''': Really?
:'''Hal''': Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
:'''Lois''': Look at that, he gave himself a &quot;C&quot; in math instead of &quot;A+&quot;.
:'''Hal''': Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
:'''Lois''': 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

=== ''Hal Quits'' ===
:'''Craig''': Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. ''[hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off]''
:'''Francis''': Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
:'''Craig''': I heard that... and I'm paying for those. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[about his painting]'' You are gonna finish it!
:'''Hal''': ''[filled with rage]'' Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it! ''[picks up some paint and splashes it around the board]'' How about some here... and there... how about there? ''[suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it]''
:'''Reese''': Awesome!
:'''Lois''': Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.
:'''Hal''': ''[happily]'' I did it! 

=== ''The Grandparents'' ===
[[File:Contest Entry (32275199862).jpg|thumb| You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get. ~ Lois Wilkerson]]
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
:'''Lois''': It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
:'''Malcolm''': I know.
:'''Lois''': At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
:'''Malcolm''': Back to their own home.
:'''Lois''': Yeah... that's what I meant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?
:'''Victor''': What?!
:'''Hal''': Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
:'''Victor''': Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
:'''Hal''': Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail. 
:'''Ida''': He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

=== ''Traffic Ticket'' ===
:'''Reese''': ''[as Lois is pulled over by a cop]'' Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.
:'''Lois''':''[ignores Reese and pulls over]'' All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
:''[Seconds later, Lois is arrested when the cop learns that she has 16 unpaid parking tickets]''
:'''Lois''': There is no way I ''have'' 16 unpaid parking tickets. The computer's wrong. You are not getting away with this!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
:''[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]''
:'''Francis''': Mom, just calm down.
:'''Lois''': I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
:'''Francis''': It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
:'''Lois''': You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.
:''[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]''
:'''Francis''': This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
:'''Lois''': Excuse me?!
:'''Francis''': When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
:'''Lois''': I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit! 
:'''Francis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, but when ''I'' say I've been framed by the police, you ship me off to military school! Ironic, isn't it?!
:'''Lois''': That cop was out to get me!
:'''Francis''': Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
:'''Lois''': Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
:'''Francis''': Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
:'''Lois''': Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

=== ''Surgery'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, my stomach hurts. 
:'''Reese''': So does mine! 
:'''Malcolm''': I'm not kidding, it's really sore. 
:'''Reese''': Owwwww... it hurts. 
:'''Malcolm''': Shut up, Reese.
:'''Reese''': I see spots! Mommy!
:'''Lois''': Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
:'''Hal''': You know, now you mentioned it...
:'''Lois''': Everybody's going! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[To audience]'' Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
:''[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]''
:'''Reese''': Gimme that!
:'''Lois''': Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
:'''Hal''': Well, there goes our summer vacation.
:'''Dewey''': So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
:'''Malcolm''': I wasn't ''faking''! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
:'''Reese''': Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
:''[Everyone stares at Malcolm]''
:'''Hal''': Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[To audience]'' Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

=== ''Reese Cooks'' ===
:'''Hal''': Whatcha' doing there, son?
:'''Malcolm''': I have to prove [[w:Kepler's laws of planetary motion|Kepler's Third Law of Motion]].
:'''Hal''': What's Dewey doing?
:'''Malcolm''': Coloring.
:'''Hal''': I better get in there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Reese, do you know what empathy is? 
:'''Reese''': No.
:'''Hal''': Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
:'''Reese''': Then why would you want empathy?
:'''Hal''': ''[turns away to Lois, stunned]'' He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

=== ''Tutoring Reese'' ===

:'''Lois''': Francis, I don't want to have another argument again! You are going to fix the roof!

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;
:''[upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]''
:'''Lois''': ''[to Malcolm]'' You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! ''[to Reese]'' You let him cheat for you? ''[to Mr. Woodward]'' YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN '''''&quot;F&quot;'''''?! You ''are'' out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
:'''Lois''': Oh, I don't ''think'' so!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
:'''Lois''': Don't you threaten me!
:'''Mr. Woodward''': This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
:'''Lois''': ''[points to Malcolm]'' You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. 
:'''Malcolm''': What?!
:'''Lois''': Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
:'''Mr. Woodward''': I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
:''[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]''
:'''Francis''': Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! ''[sobbing]''
:''[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]''
:'''Woodward''': Maybe we can work something out.

=== ''Bowling'' ===
:'''Hal''': ''[goes back to a photo booth near the door]'' Reese, get out of the photo booth.
:''[Reese peeks out just in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]''
:'''Reese''': You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
:''[The large man pushes Reese back into the photo booth and goes inside with him. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
:''[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]''
:'''Malcolm''': You can go now, thanks for the ride.
:'''Lois''': Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, please don't....
:'''Lois''': WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
:'''Reese''': Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
:'''Lois''': ''[ignoring Reese]'' Ok, it's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dewey is faking crying in the bedroom as Lois walks by carrying a basket of clean laundry to the master bedroom.]''
:'''Lois''': Not Buying It!

=== ''Malcolm vs. Reese'' ===
:'''Francis:''' How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
:'''Malcolm:''' You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
:'''Francis:''' No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
:''[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]''
:'''Francis:''' Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
:'''Reese:''' We ''are'' happy!
:'''Francis:''' You're not doing the happy dance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]''
:'''Officer 2''': License and registration, please.
:'''Francis''': Officer, what did I do?
:'''Officer 2''': This car was reported stolen.
:'''Francis''': Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
:''[He digs into his wallet to find nothing but a small slip of paper saying, &quot;IT GETS WORSE.&quot;]''
:'''Officer 2''': I'm not gonna ask you again. License and registration.
:'''Francis''': Sir, I know this looks bad...
:''[Francis and the cop hear banging from inside the trunk.]
:'''Officer 2''': Open the trunk, sir!
:'''Francis''': Officer, let me explain...
:'''Officer 2''': OPEN THE TRUNK!
:''[Francis unlocks the trunk.  The officer opens it and finds Malcolm and Reese lying inside, bound and gagged.]''
:'''Officer 2''': ''[drawing his gun]'' GET OUT OF THE CAR!

=== ''Mini-Bike'' ===
:'''Lois:''' What's the matter, Craig?
:'''Craig:''' What does it say on this jar?
:'''Lois:''' &quot;Craig.&quot;
:'''Craig:''' Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
:'''Lois:''' Are you counting the one in your hand?
:'''Craig:''' Ok, false alarm.
:'''Lois''':''[annoyed]'' We burned the man's house down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[turns off the mini bike with the key and takes it out]'' It's no one's! What's wrong with you boys?! You aren't allowed to have a motorcycle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
:''[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]''
:'''Hal''': Francis!
:'''Commandant Spangler''': On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
:'''Francis''': He was hugging his dad!
:'''Commandant Spangler''': In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
:'''Hal''': And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': Every time.
:'''Hal''': Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
:'''Hal''': I understand.
:'''Commandant Spangler''': ''[turns to Francis]'' I will deal with you, later.

=== ''Carnival'' ===
:''[The phone rings]''
:'''Hal''': Let the machine get it.
:'''Francis''': Hello,  it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg  when they...
:'''Lois''': Francis, are you okay?
:'''Francis''': Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.
:'''Lois''': Honey, what's wrong? 
:'''Francis''': The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.
:'''Lois''': What do you want, Francis? 
:'''Francis''': I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.
:'''Lois''': Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.
:'''Francis''': Alright,  let me talk to my brothers.
:'''Lois''': They're not here.
:'''Francis''': Then what are you...ew...oh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...
:'''Lois''': Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to  hear him yell back.
:'''Kitty''': I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.
:'''Lois''': Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.
:'''Kitty''': How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?
:'''Lois''': I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.
:'''Hal''': Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?
:'''Abe''': Not as much as you think.  When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.
:'''Kitty''': Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...

=== ''Evacuation'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': What are you doing with toilet paper?
:'''Reese''': I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the &quot;specially seasoned&quot; meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.
:'''Malcolm''': You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
:'''Reese''' Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dewey''': We're sorry we left the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Guard''': Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!
:'''Hal''': I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?
:'''Guard''': If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.

=== ''Flashback'' ===
:'''Reese''': Ha ha. Stupid bug.
:''[Reese touches the bug zapper]''
:'''Reese''': OW! OW! YOU STUPID... ''[Punches the bug zapper]'' OW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]''
:'''Lois''': Thanks, Officer. ''[turns angrily to Francis]'' What were you thinking?!
:'''Francis''': That it went faster.
:'''Lois''': GO TO YOUR ROOM!
:'''Hal''': I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...
:'''Lois''': Boys! Go to your room!

==Season 3==
=== ''Houseboat'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl]'' Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person. 
:'''Lois''': For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father. 
:'''Reese''': Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. ''[Giving a glass of tea to Lois]'' Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
:'''Lois''': That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. ''[Phone rings]'' You go and make it right. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[on the phone with Francis]'' Absolutely not, Francis.
:'''Francis''': You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That more than what you or dad make.
:'''Lois''': You are going to graduate from high school.
:'''Francis''': Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. ''[All is quiet for a moment.]'' Okay, now we both know.
:'''Lois''': Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it and if you FLUNK OUT then that's just another year you're stuck there.
:'''Francis''': You just can't stand the fact that i'll be making more MONEY THAN YOU! (slams the phone into the wall, it drops on his foot causing him to scream and pain and bump into the trophy case) whew that was close. (the trophy case loses a leg and falls on Francis).

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[looking at a letter concerning Francis]'' Oh my GOD!!!!
:'''Hal''': What is it?
:'''Lois''': It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska!
:'''Hal''': That's impossible. He can't take himself out of school. He has to have our permission.
:'''Lois''': No, he doesn't! ''[Shows Hal and the boys a legal document]'' He got himself legally emancipated!

=== ''Emancipation'' ===
:''[The Krelboynes are discussing their new teacher]''
:'''Stevie''': What...a jerk!
:'''Lloyd''': Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!
:'''Dabney''': No! No more death pacts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]''
:'''Lois''': Francis, I'm listening...
:'''Francis''': This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! ''[Lois looks stunned]'' I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
:'''Lois''': ''[furious]'' I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
:'''Francis''': You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school!
:'''Lois''': We went without for that school!
:'''Francis''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, maybe I should thank you? Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!
:''[Hal escorts boys go back inside the house. The rest of the argument between Lois and Francis continues offscreen.]''
:'''Lois''': &quot;A Living hell?&quot; You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
:'''Francis''': Well you're problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm outta here!

=== ''Book Club'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks]'' BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
:'''Reese''': How did she?!
:'''Malcolm''': I don't know.
:'''Lois''': You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
:''[a police helicopter approaches Lois]''
:'''Pilot''': GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
:''[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]''
:'''Lois''': While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': You know ladies, I just realize something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society. 
:''[The women cheered.]''
:'''Lois''': No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overachieving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
:''[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]''

=== ''Malcolm's Girlfriend'' ===
:'''Reese:''' You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
:'''Malcolm:''' You can't just turn off your brain.
:'''Reese:''' Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''[snorts]'' This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
:''[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]''
:'''Malcolm:''' Reese...? Reese!
:''[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]''
:'''Reese:''' Oh, man, how long was I out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois:''' ''[Sighs]'' OK, Malcolm. I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna give you a 'Free Pass'. Every time any of you boys do something important that your father should not see you doing, I give each of you 1 free pass per month.

:'''Lois:''' ''[as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''[Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!

=== ''Charity'' ===
:'''Hal''': You've been stealing money from the Church?!
:'''Reese''': And maybe some...merchandise.
:''[Reese opens the closet revealing a loot of stolen donations.]''
:'''Hal''': Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! ''[He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.]'' Oh! Oh, my God!
:'''Malcolm''': Dudes, get him some oxygen!
:'''Hal''': My boys are thieves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Upon realizing the boys stole an air tank.]''
:'''Hal''': You stole ''air''?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame you could bring upon our entire family?! Do you?!
:'''Reese''': Forget that, what's '''Mom''' gonna say?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?
:'''Reese, Dewey &amp; Malcolm''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hal's car has broken down due to a faulty battery and he pulls over.]''
:'''Hal''': OH, DAMN!
:'''Dewey''': It's God! He found Us!
:'''Hal''': It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

=== ''Health Scare'' ===
:'''Reese''': Hey Mom, Hey Dad.
:'''Lois''': What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!
:'''Reese''': Sorry.
:'''Lois''': How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
:'''Malcolm''': We'll clean it up.
:'''Lois''': That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
:'''Reese''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
:'''Lois''': You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
:'''Malcolm''': Dad!
:'''Hal''': You heard your mother!
:'''Reese''': This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
:'''Lois''': Go to your room!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Dewey, I said &quot;NO&quot;! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?
:'''Dewey''': No.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
:'''Malcolm''': Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard on a little mud on the floor!
:'''Lois''': You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
:'''Reese''': What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
:'''Malcolm''': Keep it cool!
:'''Hal''': You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
:'''Dewey''': ''[calm]'' Can I have a napkin?
:'''Hal''': I cannot believe you two!
:'''Lois''': Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
:'''Reese''': You can't do that!
:'''Malcolm''': You're crazy!
:'''Hal''': You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
:'''Reese''': This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
:''[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]''
:'''Malcolm''': What was that all about?
:'''Reese''': I dunno. Usually, she just says &quot;I'm taking you with me!&quot;

=== ''Christmas'' ===
:'''Reese''': Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
:'''Lois''': I have HAD IT! 
:''[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]''
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, what are you doing?
:'''Lois''': I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
:'''Dewey''': She's stealing Christmas.
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, you can't do this.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
:'''Dewey''': WHAT?!
:'''Lois:''' If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will '''be''' a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
:'''Reese''': ''[to Lois]'' You wouldn't cancel Christmas!  You're bluffing.
:''[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the last flashback, Lois and Hal are seen running around in front of a burning Christmas tree form the boys' prank]''
:'''Lois''': Who did this?! Who did this!
:'''Hal''': Drop and roll honey!
:'''Lois''': WHO DID THIS!!!!!!
:'''Hal''': For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Francis has found a closet of Christmas gifts Ida has kept for petty offences]''
:'''Francis''': Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you ''are'' nuts!
:'''Ida''': What are you talking about?
:'''Francis''': Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!
:'''Ida''': A lonely, bitter old woman ''[she sits down]''
:'''Francis''': What?
:'''Ida''': Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. ''[Ida clutches her heart]''
:'''Francis''': Grandma?
:'''Ida''': My heart...I think it's...''melting! [Francis rolls his eyes]'' Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

=== ''Poker'' ===
:''[At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies]''.
:'''Lavernia''': Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
:'''Francis''' ''[incredulous]'': We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
:'''Lavernia''': Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No one's crying for me!

=== ''Reese's Job'' ===
:'''Barton''': Wow, an entire colony of [[w:Chestnut blight|Cryphonectria parasitica]].
:'''Richie''': Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

&lt;hr widith 50%/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
:'''Dewey''': I want a beagle.
:'''Lois''':[angry]''': Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!!

=== ''Lois's Makeover'' ===
:'''Reese''': Yes.
:'''Malcolm''': That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.
:'''Hal''': Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight  which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.
:'''Malcolm''': We have to do the play.
:'''Reese''': We can't. We only practiced it once.
:'''Dewey''': It won't work. 
:'''Malcolm''': It will work. We just got to believe.
:'''Hal''': It's go time, ladies.
:'''Dewey''': The future is now, old man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[to Mr. Fisher]'' A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face  and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. ''[Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]''
:'''Mr. Fisher''': Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?

=== ''Company Picnic (Part 1)'' ===
:'''Hal''': What do you think? This or this?
:'''Lois''': What are you doing?!
:'''Hal''': This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot. 
:'''Lois''': You're making too much of this.
:'''Hal''': No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It  sets the  tone for the relationship. 
:''[Hal's montage with new employers]''
:'''Manager''': Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
:'''Miss Plum''': Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
:'''Hal''': Same here, and what do we have here?
:'''Miss Plum''': My big fat stomach.
:'''Manager #2''': I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
:'''Hal''': It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
:'''Mr. Jacobson''': Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
:'''Hal''': No, I haven't .
:'''Mr. Jacobson''': Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
:'''Hal''': Hi. I'm Hal. 
:'''Kelly''': Hi, so nice to... ''[Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.]'' Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
:'''Steve''': She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
:'''Kelly''': I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
:'''Steve''': You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Laurie''': Malcolm, can I ask you something?
:'''Malcolm''': Sure.
:'''Laurie''': if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
:'''Malcolm''': I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
:'''Laurie''': Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
:'''Malcolm''': I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.
:'''Laurie''': Honestly, you have no idea.
:'''Malcolm''': I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.
:'''Laurie''': Oh, no!
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Laurie''': oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!
:'''Malcolm''': It's okay.
:'''Laurie''': No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!
:'''Malcolm''': Really, it's not that. ..
:'''Two-Legged Race Instructor''': Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.

=== ''Company Picnic (Part 2)'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Hey, I want candy!
:'''Lois''': What did I tell you?  Sit in that chair and wait until the picnic is over!
:'''Meg's Husband''': Excuse me? Are you Lois?
:'''Lois''': Yes.
:'''Meg's Husband''': Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16. Mt mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they get along. My mother's important to me. I didn't say anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest. It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is in porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
:'''Lois''': OK.
:'''Meg''': Lois!
:'''Lois''': You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
:'''Meg''': You told my husband I was insane and should be committed! 
:'''Lois''': I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
:'''Meg''': What?! I didn't tell him!
:'''Lois''': You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... ''[Meg smacks Lois in the face]''
:'''Lois''': Oh! I don't think you understood me. ''[Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]''

=== ''Reese Drives'' ===
:''[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]''
:'''Hal''': You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
:'''Francis''': I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... ''loan.''
:'''Hal''': No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
:'''Francis''': I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
:''[Hal hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Francis''': ''[over pay phone]'' How many police cars are chasing you?
:'''Reese''': ''[over cell phone]'' I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!
:'''Francis''': Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-
:''[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]''
:'''Francis''': ...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-
:''[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]''
:'''Francis''': ...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-
:''[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]''
:'''Francis''': ...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!
:''[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]''
:'''Reese''': Class...
:'''Francis''': ''[over the phone]'' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!
:''[Reese hangs up]''

=== ''Cynthia's Back'' ===
:'''Reese''': I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...
:''[He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]''
:'''Cynthia''': ''[beating Reese to a pulp]'' HOW CAN YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE THE REMOTEST SENSE OF DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING?! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!
:''[Malcolm salutes jauntily and walks out of the room as Cynthia continues kicking Reese.]''
:'''Cynthia''': ''[offscreen]'' I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Francis is trying to make sense of a totem pole]''
:'''Francis''': I've fasted, I've meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just wanna know what to do! What am I missing?! The wolf...that's loyalty. And the eagle...keen sight...''insight''! And the frog is...bug eating! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! ''Please'' just give me a sign, or a signal or ''something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in]'' Oh my God!
:'''Inuit Man''': You the dirtbag that took my pole?! That's my pole, I want it back!
:'''Francis''': Oh, of course. I'm sorry. Listen, I didn't take it but please, I'm going crazy; can you tell me what it means?
:'''Inuit Man''': Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my car port.
:'''Francis''': ''What?'' You use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
:'''Inuit Man''': Sacred? It's a decoration, like a coat of arms or a story book. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
:'''Francis''': But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy!
:'''Inuit Man''': You white boys are all the same. ''[sarcastic]'' I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirits of the wind! ''[angry]'' I've got news for you, pal: I work for a living! I'm a Baptist and I'm proud of it! Oh, and I have only one word for snow...''SNOW''!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Karen''': Oh, by the way, I lived in your house while you were on vacation last month.

:'''Hal''': We didn't go on vacation!

:'''Karen''': Darn it!

=== ''Hal's Birthday'' ===
:'''Lois''': Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
:'''Dewey''': NO!
:'''Lois''': ''Excuse me''?
:'''Dewey''': I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
:''[Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]''
:'''Dewey''': There's no reasoning with that woman!
:'''Reese''': I thought you made some good points.
:'''Malcolm''': It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
:'''Reese''': ''[giggles]'' Hey, that's what we're doing!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After the family learns Francis has gotten married]''
:'''Francis''': Why can't you just be happy for us!?
:'''Lois''': We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?
:'''Francis''': I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?

=== ''Hal Coaches'' ===
:''[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
:'''Ed''': Oh my god, how much do you know?
:'''Reese''': Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!&quot;
:'''Ed''': &quot;Keep your voice down.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': You have to stop this?
:'''Malcolm''': Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me! 
:'''Stevie''': Dewey just became Pope. 
:'''Malcolm''': And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

=== ''Dewey's Dog'' ===
:'''Lois''': Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember? We want you to be miserable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois comes in the kitchen and catches Dewey eating a meal that Reese cooked for her and Hal. Later on Hal is home confronting him]''
:'''Hal''': I don't understand, an entire roast gone, with your bare hands. The salad, the potatoes, the green beans. What do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dewey''': I was hungry, I guess.
:'''Reese''': This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.
:'''Malcolm''': Not yet. I have a hunch.
:'''Hal''': An entire stick of Butter?!
:'''Reese''': Now, lets tell them now.
:'''Malcolm''': Wait for it.
:'''Hal''': Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?
:'''Dewey''':''[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.]'' I like candles. i think they're good.
:''[Lois is disgusted with him.]''
:'''Hal''': That's it, you are going to the hospital and having your stomach pumped.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spangler''': You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft. I can see paste come up from the top of the popsicle stick.
:'''Mrs. Meekitjuk''': I'm sorry, I have Arthritis.
:'''Spangler''': That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.
:''[The former commandant leaves and the other elderly residents starts despising him similar to Eric and the other Marlin cadets did.]''

=== ''Poker #2'' ===
:''[After Malcolm's half-assed efforts to destroy a gun nearly end in a shooting]''
:'''Cop''': So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?
:'''Malcolm''': Yes.
:'''Cop''': What did you say your I.Q. was?!

=== ''Clip Show'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Can I have a piece of candy?
:'''Psychiatrist''': No.

=== ''Jury Duty'' ===
:'''Artie:''' I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.
:'''Eric:''' Shut your trap, that's a mole.  ''(to Pete)''  And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.
:'''Pete:''' I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.
:'''Francis:'''  All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots.  And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else (eric makes a face) this is ridiculous let's just vote on it.
:'''Eric:''' Who Votes for Francis? (everyone except Francis raises their hand)
:'''Francis:''' Who Votes for Eric? (everyone except Eric raises their hand) Artie? (everyone raises their hands again) Pete? (everyone raises their hand) Four votes, the hut is spoken.
:'''Pete:''' No, you tricked me. no, no---- (eric and artie drag pete out the cabin door as francis watches in disgust) he'll reject me, i've tried me, i taste awful (cackling)
:'''Francis:''' All right, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done. I'm not proud of it but i really don't think we had a choice.
:'''Eric:''' Like i care about your opinion on anything.
:'''Francis:''' Wait a minute. Why do we hear eating?
:'''Eric:''' (truck engine starts) He Got To The Truck!
:'''Francis, Eric &amp; Artie:''' Pete! Pete! Pete!
:'''Pete:''' See ya back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!

=== ''Cliques'' ===
:'''Lois''': Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get in infection.
:'''Dewey''': I'm bored!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois:''' Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.
:'''Reese:''' But that's not fair.
:'''Lois:''' I WILL BLAME YOU!

=== ''Monkey'' ===
:'''TV''': ''&quot;...to break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour.&quot;
:'''Reese''': Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!
:'''Malcolm''': You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.
:''[Reese nervously clutches the arm of the sofa.]''
:'''Dewey''': Wheeeeee!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[At the Alaskan logging camp]''
:'''Lavernia''': Okay, everyone clear out, you're all fired!
:'''Francis''': ''What''?!
:'''Lavernia''': Camp's closing; they cut down the last tree today. The mining company bought the land; you've gotta be out of here by the end of today.
:'''Francis''': We're just out like that without notice?!
:'''Lavernia''': This is the circle of life up here! First, they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves off our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Angry Man''': What the hell are you doing?! I was waiting for that spot!

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

==Season 4==
=== ''Zoo'' ===
:'''Walkie-talkie''': Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?
:''[Panic washes over the crowd]''
:'''Zookeeper''': Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!
:'''Hal''': Malcolm and Reese?
:'''Lois''': Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?
:'''Clown''': Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.
:'''Malcolm''': See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?
:'''Malcolm''': I wanted grape.

=== ''Humilithon'' ===
:'''Reese''': STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!
:'''Malcolm''': Get out of the way!
:'''Reese''': NO! You can run me over, I don't care!
:''[Malcolm revs the car's engine, Reese screams and jumps aside.]''

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Cynthia''': Malcolm, if you do  this, I will never have sex with you again.

=== ''Family Reunion'' ===
:''[Lois is crying in a closet after being tricked into being absent for the family's group photo. Without a word, Francis, Reese, Malcolm and Dewey march out of the room.]''
:'''Piama''': What are you going to do?
:'''Francis''': We don't know. We never know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Francis''': All right, everybody ready?

:'''Dewey''': I was born ready.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Lois''': I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
:'''Hal''': Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

=== ''Stupid Girl'' ===
:'''Reese''': Want some punch?
:'''Kid''': If I say 'yes', you're just gonna hit me.
:'''Reese''': I'm gonna hit you anyway, but it's funnier when you say 'yes'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': What'd you get... for problem... 17?
:'''Malcolm''': I drew a tank.
:'''Stevie''': What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.
:'''Malcolm''': No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.
:'''Stevie''': You're turning... into Reese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese whispers behind Malcolm's locker, Malcolm listens.]''
:'''Malcolm''': I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill.  That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.
:'''Alison''': Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!

=== ''Forwards Backwards'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Wake up.
:'''Reese''': What do ''you'' want?
:'''Malcolm''': I just want you to know you're ''not'' getting last licks.
:'''Reese''': Huh?
:'''Malcolm''': I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
:'''Reese''': Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... ''[registers that his arm is glued to his forehead]'' Gaa! What'd you do?
:'''Malcolm''': I sunk to ''your'' level. And I have to say, it feels good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': Not so fast.
:''[Craig shows up to the comic book store in a heroic fashion. Hal is shocked and Dean is upset by his appearance.]''
:'''Dean''': This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
:'''Bob''': That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
:'''Craig''':''(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book)'' What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?
:'''Dean''': It's the first print, totally collectible.
:'''Craig''': Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!
:''[Dean attempts to sell Hal a &quot;rare&quot; comic book of Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin by taking it out of it's plastic covering hoping to take advantage of his naiveté and get his money. Craig isn't buying it and spills soda on it.]''
:'''Ricky''': What are you doing?
:'''Craig''': Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.
:'''Ricky''':''[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out]'' Dude, you told me that was real.
:'''Craig''': Now, lets talk business!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital. Malcolm has a black eye, his head bandaged up and a broken arm. Reese has the worst of the injuries being in a body cast, his neck in a brace, and has a hard time walking in it.]''
:'''Lois''': I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
:'''Hal''':''[Facing Malcolm and Reese]'' For all the good it does, you're grounded again!
:'''Malcolm''': Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
:'''Reese''': Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on ''my'' birthday!
:'''Malcolm''': I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
:'''Reese''': Well, there is such a thing as &quot;Shut up&quot;!
:'''Lois''': Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
:'''Lois''': ''[to Reese]'' And what about your birthday?
:'''Reese''': You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
:'''Lois''': And your birthday before that?
:'''Malcolm''': Pretty much this.
:'''Reese''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

=== ''Forbidden Girlfriend'' ===
:'''Reese''': It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
:'''Billy''': ''[raking leaves around a perplexed Reese]'' Excuse me.
:'''Reese''': Beat it kid, I'm trying to figure something out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': He's my evil twin?
:'''Reese''': Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're ''his'' evil twin.
:'''Dewey''': But I don't want to be an evil twin!
:'''Reese''': I don't make the rules, Dewey.

=== ''Malcolm Holds his Tongue'' ===
:''[After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in the hospital]''
:'''Lois''': ''[incredulous]'' A [[w:Peptic Ulcer|peptic ulcer]]!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[finally loses his cool]'' For ''your'' information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alison''': You're the one who had his license taken away!
:'''Reese''': Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense. 

=== ''Boys at Ranch'' ===
:''[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]''
:'''Malcolm''': All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
:'''Reese''': They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
:''[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]''
:'''Reese''': Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
:'''Francis''': ''[shouting after they destroyed the ATVS]'' You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]''
:'''Reese''': How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
:''[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence, then reverts to night.]''
:'''Malcolm''': Let's hope that was it!
:'''Francis''': Did it say when our vision would come back?
:'''Reese''': Box said two days.
:'''Francis''': Totally worth it!

=== ''Grandma Sues'' ===
:''[Lois and Hal have just told Ida about the pregnancy in the hope she won't sue]''
:'''Hal''': Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?
:'''Ida''': Yes, yes of course. ''[Hal and Lois sigh in relief]'' You should settle.
:'''Hal''': ''What?!''
:'''Lois''': Mom!
:'''Ida''': It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ida''': Where are you going?
:'''Ida's Lawyer''': I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!
:'''Ida''': ''30%'' and yes!
:'''Ida's Lawyer''': Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!
:'''doctor''':Well, I think I’ve figured out why you’re feeling so lousy, Lois. You’re
pregnant. (Hal and Lois exchange glances) 
:'''Lois''':Pregnant? 
:'''doctor'''Congratulations. (sees Hal and Lois’s facial expressions, and laughs)
This is the best part of my job. Seeing the looks on peoples’ faces
when I give them the good news.

=== ''If Boys Were Girls'' ===
:'''Malcom''': Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!
:'''Dewey''': You owe me a new Spacefighter!
:'''Reese''': Shut up and get your own pen!
:''[Dewey yells and goes after Reese, but Malcom and Reese keep fighting]''
:'''Malcom''': Give it to me!
:'''Reese''': Why don't you just die?!
:'''Malcolm''': Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
:'''Reese''': Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
:''[Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]''
:'''Lois''': MALCOLM?!
:''[Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]''
:'''Hal''': ''[astounded]'' Malcolm, you can take Reese?
:'''Lois''': No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. ''[picks up Reese; Reese groans]'' Oh, my God, look at you! ''[Reese groans again]'' He better not need stitches! ''[Reese groans a third time]'' Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcom''': Hey, Mom-
:'''Lois''': You did ''not'' already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, ''[looks at Dewey]'' and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps. 
:'''Malcolm''': But how did you-
:'''Lois''': Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[in her fantasy of having daughters]'' Girls, please! Can you just--? Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
:'''Mallory''': No, Mom. ''You're'' easy.
:'''Daisy''': We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

=== ''Long Drive'' ===
:''[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]''
:'''Lois''': ''[resigned]'' I'll put on the coffee.
:'''Hal''': ''[looks out the window]'' It's Hanson; make decaf. ''[waves to the cops]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Samuel''': 'Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
:''[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]''
:'''Samuel''': You think that's funny?!
:'''Reese''' I thought you were trying to be funny.
:'''Samuel''': So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
:''[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]''
:'''Samuel''': And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

=== ''Kicked Out'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. ''[pauses]'' I still don't, but I'm getting there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Malcolm can take care of himself. 
:'''Craig''': You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

=== ''Stereo Store'' ===
:'''Reese''': What do we need a babysitter for? 
:'''Hal''': Because I want the house to be where I left it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Dewey, what are you eating? 
:'''Dewey''': Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

=== ''Hal's Friend'' ===
:'''Dabney''': I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
:'''Malcolm''': No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Teenage Boy''': You like the pavement so much? Kiss It!
:''[Dabney kisses on the pavement]'':
:'''Dorene''': Oh my God! Dabney, you get away from here this instant! Did you make eye contact with that big boy?! When you are bullied, you tuck and cower!
:'''Dabney''': I was cowering, he wouldn't let me tuck. 
:''[Dorene grabs him and walks off]''

=== ''Garage Sale'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did [[w:The War of the Worlds (radio drama)|this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing]]. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape... 
:'''Malcolm''': Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street! 
:'''Reese''': ''[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat]'' Every man for himself! ''[runs out]''
:'''Dewey''': Oh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally]'' That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.
:'''Reese''': But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
:'''Lois''': No, it doesn't.
:'''Reese''': Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?
:'''Lois''': Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

=== ''Academic Octathlon'' ===
:'''Lois''': Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!
:'''Malcolm''': Fine, but I'm not staying here!

=== ''Clip Show #2'' ===
:'''Lois''': What makes you think I am going to die first?
:'''Hal''': Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
:''[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]''
:'''Hal''': Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
:'''Lois''': I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
:'''Hal''': I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
:'''Lois''': Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
:'''Hal''': And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

=== ''Reese's Party'' ===
:'''Reese''': Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
:'''Reese''': ''[thinks]'' Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
:''[Malcolm and Dewey waves farewell to Reese as the bus drives off.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie's Mom''': DONNIE!
:''[Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]''
:'''Donnie''': Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
:'''Donnie's Mom''': Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
:'''Donnie''': Mom, come on.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
:'''Donnie''': Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
:'''Dave''':''[smug]'' Dude, you are so busted!!!!
:''[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]''
:'''Dave's Mom''': Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
:'''Donnie's Mom''': You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
:''[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]''
:'''Dewey''': It feels so good to tell.
:''[Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]''

=== ''Future Malcolm'' ===
:'''Leonard''': Hey, Casey Peterson, could you do us all a favor and turn that crap off?
:'''Casey''': It's not loud.
:'''Leonard''': I didn't say it was loud, I said it was crap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leonard''': This is a terrible idea.
:'''Malcolm''': No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?
:'''Leonard''': But why here?
:'''Malcolm''': Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a [[w:Hong Kong Phooey|Hong Kong Phooey]] lunchbox.
:'''Lois''':  I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.
:'''Hal''':Oh You Have Not.
:'''Lois''': Even The Doctor Said So.
:'''Hal''' You're Eating For Two Now What Kind Of Doctor Doesn't Know That?

=== ''Baby (Part 1)'' ===
:'''Lois''': Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...''[looks up and sees Ida at the window]'' Mom!
:'''Ida''': Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!
:'''Francis''': Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Ida declares her intention to move in]''
:'''Francis''': This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!
:'''Ida''': It burned down.
:'''Lois''': Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?
:'''Francis''': It was the villagers, wasn't it?
:''[Ida flicks a lit cigarette onto the couch]''
:'''Ida''': It's a mystery.
:'''Lois''':(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!
(looks around the room and nobody is there) Wherever you
are, whatever you’ve done, don’t think I won’t find you!

=== ''Baby (Part 2)'' ===
:''[Francis repeatedly hits a wood beam with a hammer, panting frantically]''
:'''Lois''': What are you doing?
:'''Francis''': Building calms me down, OK? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this!
:'''Lois''': Yes, Francis. I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy BY GIVING BIRTH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Oh, my God, women are the cows of people!

=== ''Day Care'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
:'''Teacher''': Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
:'''Dewey''': Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
:'''Teacher''': Well that's not...
:'''Dewey''': I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
:'''Teacher''': But, I don't think...
:'''Dewey''': Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
:'''Teacher''': Well, that's...good, but...
:'''Dewey''': I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
:''[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's &quot;giant shovel&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested by the government.]''
:'''Agent''': The United States Government is not happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
:'''Francis''': But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
:'''Agent''': ''[looks at his partner for a second]'' Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.

==Season 5==
=== ''Vegas'' ===
:'''Boone Vincent''': The here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it &quot;the present&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Otto''': No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot... or a Swede.

=== ''Watching the Baby'' ===

:'''Polly''': Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be in court today.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:'''Hal''': Look, Lois will pay these tomorrow when she comes in.

:'''Craig Feldspar''': You can't take those! That's shoplifting!

:'''Hal''': Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!

:'''Craig Feldspar''': Vernon!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Kathy''': ''[through crocodile tears]'' Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
:'''Stevie Kenarban''': You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
:''[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]''
:'''Malcolm''': What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
:'''Joanne''': Right now. With us. In that.
:'''Reese''': ''[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine]'' Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
:'''Joanne''': ''[later in the limo]'' OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
:'''Malcolm''': You want to make them jealous?
:'''Joanne''': No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
:'''Malcolm''': You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
:'''Limo Driver''': Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Reese''': These girls want to fool around with us.
:'''Malcolm''': Only because we're losers.
:'''Reese''': Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
:'''Malcolm''': Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!
:'''Reese''': I know.
:'''Malcolm''': Then why are you...
:'''Reese''': Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: &quot;Do you know who Reese is?&quot; So then she goes, &quot;Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?&quot;, and everybody shrugged. So then I said, &quot;Probably some nobody&quot;. And you know what? I was right.
:'''Limo Driver''': Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
:'''Reese''': So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, &quot;What happened to that guy's face?&quot;. And someone's gonna say, &quot;That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend.&quot; And that I can live with.

=== ''Goodbye Kitty'' ===

:'''Abe Kenarban''': Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago.

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Lois''': What on earth are you doing?
:'''Malcolm''': I have to practice being in a wheelchair...
:'''Hal''': I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
:'''Malcolm''': Just for basketball...
:'''Hal''': That's the spirit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stevie''': Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, good.
:'''Stevie''': ''[about the computer]'' This thing sucks at sarcasm.

=== ''Thanksgiving'' ===
:''[buzzer]''
:'''Reese''': The Monkfish!! ''[searches drawer]'' Where are the oven mitts? 
:'''Piama''': Do you want me to look?
:'''Reese''': No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.
:'''Piama''': I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
:'''Reese''': No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
:'''Piama''': Well, what are you gonna do?
:'''Reese''': There's only one thing I can do. ''[walks over to oven and opens it]''
:'''Piama''': Reese, nooooo!!!
:'''Reese''': Yes! ''[grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out]'' Make me a space!!
:'''Piama''': Where?!?
:'''Reese''': Move the oven mitts! ''[Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Dewey, do you trust me?
:'''Dewey''': No.
:'''Reese''': ''[aggressively]'' Do you fear me?
:'''Dewey''': Not in the long run.

=== ''Malcolm Films Reese'' ===

:'''Lois''': Do I try to keep on buying new clothes?

&lt;hr width 85%&gt;

:'''Mr. Herkabe''': You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking about my brother!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

=== ''Malcolm's Job'' ===
:'''Dewey''': I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm has just caught Lois outside with a cigarette.]''
:'''Malcolm''': YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!

=== ''Christmas Trees'' ===
:'''Lois''': Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
:'''Craig''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Lois''': Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.
:'''Craig''': Coincidences.
:'''Lois''': Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%'/&gt;
:'''Hal''': The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.

&lt;hr width 80%&gt;

:'''Cop''': That's not my problem. You get them out, or you will be spending Christmas in a jail cell.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:'''Piama''': Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.

=== ''Block Party'' ===
:'''Hal:''' Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
:'''Lois''': Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

=== ''Dirty Magazine'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[explaining the school magazine's editorial policy]'' Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.

&lt;hr widith=50%/&gt;
:'''Lois''': The principal of your school called. He said you filed a [[lawsuit]] so you could destroy the school.
:'''Malcolm''': That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

=== ''Hot Tub'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Who has the mustard?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
:'''Reese''': Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

=== ''Ida's Boyfriend'' ===
:'''Lois''': You're moving to China?
:'''Ida''': I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ida''': If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? ''[Malcolm is disgusted.]'' Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
:'''Malcolm''': Grandma, I'm not gay.
:'''Ida''': That's right, I'm just a liar.

=== ''Softball'' ===
:'''Lois''': You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.
:'''Francis''': What?!
:'''Lois''': You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
:'''Francis''': That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. ''[to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face]'' Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm''': He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
:'''Francis''': Yeah...! What?!
:'''Malcolm''': I'm quitting the softball team! 
:'''Lois''': You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
:'''Malcolm''': You can't force me to play.
:'''Lois''': No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
:'''Malcolm''': You are pure evil!
:'''Francis''': How do you sleep at night? ''[holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]''

&lt;hr width 75%&gt;

:'''Dewey''': There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

=== ''Lois's Sister'' ===
:'''Reese''': You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
:'''Reese''': Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive. 

=== ''Malcolm Dates a Family'' ===
:''[a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]''
:'''Dewey''': Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
:'''Reese''': I know what to do.
:''[A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]''
:'''Hal''': ''[reading note]'' &quot;Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts.&quot; It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
:'''Lois''': It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
:'''Hal''': Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
:'''Lois''': I'll get the car.
:''[Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dewey''': If you believe it, then why'd you buy the Mexican food?
:'''Lois''': Fine, Mexican food goes in the trash!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': You're worried about your family? That's not going to bother me.
:'''Angela''': Oh, yeah? My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling and humiliating.
:'''Malcolm''': You're talking to the right guy.

=== ''Reese's Apartment'' ===
:''[Hal is speaking in angry gibberish]''
:'''Lois''': ''[looks at Hal]'' Was that &quot;scramble&quot; or &quot;strangle&quot;?
:'''Reese''': What are you guys talking about?
:'''Lois''': You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...
:''[The scene changes]''
:'''Reese''': I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!
:'''Lois''': What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after finding out how Reese paid for his new apartment]'' 
:'''Lois''': Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!
:''[Hal opens the door, Lois drags Reese out by his ear.]''
:'''Reese''': Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!
:'''Hal''': Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

=== ''Malcolm Visits College'' ===

:'''Lois''': No more junk food. From now on, we are going to be a family that eats healthy.

:'''Hal''': Brownie? Mmm.

&lt;hr width 100%&gt;

:'''Piano Manager''': What the hell are you doing back there?! These pianos are for paying customers only! You're wearing out the keys! Hey!

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Lois''': Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?
:'''Malcolm''': Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.
:'''Lois''': I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Wait a second! You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
:'''Hal''': Well...son...
:'''Reese''': ''[Laughs]'' I'm just screwing with you! Relax!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;

:'''Otto''': So I went to the store and got those cookies, and I brought three cases of old-fashioned hard lemonade.

:'''Francis''': Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!

:'''Otto''': Yes, Francis. I said there was a problem.

&lt;hr width 75%&gt;

:'''Otto''': Those parents trusted me with the little ones, until I've poisoned them! What kind of a monster am i?

&lt;hr width 80%&gt;

:'''Leland''': Oh, wait, there are no other mothers here. You just cost this floor their electricity privileges.

&lt;hr width 85%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': And you know what, I want my candy than I want my next breath. I have a plan!

:'''Lois''':''[yelling]''Malcolm, what are you doing?!

:'''Malcolm''': My plan!

:'''Lois''': Well, get your foot out of the door!

:'''Malcolm''': I can't. It's stuck!

=== ''Polly in the Middle'' ===
:''[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]''
:'''Reese''': ''[to an ant]'' Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
:'''Malcolm''': There's one on your hand.
:'''Reese''': Ha ha! ''[aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand]'' You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Polly''': Thanks so much for inviting me. I really needed something to take my mind off my love life.
:'''Hal''': Well, that's why God invented baseball,... and war.

=== ''Dewey's Special Class'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[horrified]'' They put you in with the Buseys?
:'''Dewey''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! ''[angrily]'' Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
:'''Dewey''': You're still alive... so, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Lois''': Good night, Fred and Ginger.

:'''Craig Feldspar''': I thought it was Fred and Barney.

&lt;hr width 60%&gt;

:''[Malcolm tries to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to Dewey]'' Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
:'''Dewey''': But you beat me up and make fun of me.
:'''Malcolm''': Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
:'''Dewey''': Okay, I'll do it.

=== ''Experiment'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write out ticket to any college in the country.
:'''Stevie''': Then everyone... will pay.
:'''Malcolm''': Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.
:'''Reese''': Maybe I can help.
:'''Malcolm''': That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
:'''Reese''': Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! ''[Holds up a test tube full of green liquid]'' I shall call it...blellow!

=== ''Victor's Other Family'' ===

:'''Ida''': I just remembered, tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

&lt;hr width 90%&gt;

:'''Malcolm''': You know what else is strange? 
:'''Lois''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
:'''Lois''': No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
:''[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'''
:'''Ida''': JUDAS!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sylvia''': Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
:'''Ida''': Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.
:'''Sylvia''': I really don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Ida''': The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
:'''Lois''': ''[walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice]'' Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig of your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!
:''[Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]''

=== ''Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)'' ===

:'''Lois''': Can he at least put some pants on?

&lt;hr width 65%&gt;

:'''Reese''': I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem. Not just here, but my entire life. If I do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
:'''Hal''': How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? &quot;Ultimate Final Notice&quot; is obviously more serious than &quot;Absolute Final Notice,&quot; but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, &quot;Please.&quot;

=== ''Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)'' ===
:'''Francis''':''[shows Malcolm a legal document.]'' Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
:'''Dewey''': Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
:'''Malcolm''': I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
:'''Francis''': What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
:'''Lois''': ''[getting angry]'' You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!
:'''Hal''': Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Reese Comes Home'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
:'''Lois''': Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
:'''Hal''': Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
:'''Malcolm''': Huh?
:'''Hal''': Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
:'''Lois''': Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
:'''Dewey''': Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to audience]'' I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm and Dewey show their lists of &quot;Mean Things Reese Did&quot; to each other]''
:'''Malcolm''': &quot;Lighter Fluid Donut.&quot; That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
:'''Malcolm''': Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!
:'''Dewey''': So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't say he was going to die!
:'''Dewey''': Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
:'''Malcolm''': I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. ''[Sighing]'' No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
:'''Dewey''': Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

=== ''Buseys Run Away'' ===
:'''Hal''': Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
:'''Bodybuilder''': Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': What are you trying to do?
:'''Reese''': Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
:'''Dewey''': Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
:''[pause]''
:'''Malcolm''': Fine, don't tell us.

=== ''Standee'' ===
:''[Hal walks by a large pile of garbage on his lawn]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[muffled yelling]'' Dad!
:'''Hal''': Dewey?
:'''Dewey''': Daaaaaad!
:'''Hal''': Dewey? Where are you?
:'''Dewey''': I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
:'''Hal''': Can you breathe?
:'''Dewey''': Yes. But I don't want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malcolm sees an embarrassing picture of himself dressed like a hula dancer at Lois' station at the Lucky Aide]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's that?
:'''Lois''': Hmmm?
:'''Malcolm''': I threw that picture away!
:'''Lois''': Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.
:'''Malcolm''': Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!
:'''Lois''': Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?
:'''Customer''': My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. ''[She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]''
:'''Malcolm''': Take that down!
:'''Lois''': Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
:''[Several minutes later, Lois is forced to remove the picture as Malcolm reads the store's rule book with Kushell standing beside him]''
:'''Malcolm''': No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.
:'''Shirley''': ''[Another employee forced to remove her cross]'' I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.
:'''Craig''': ''[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster]'' I don't know who I am any more!

=== ''Pearl Harbor'' ===
:'''Jessica''': ''[as she walks in]'' So the stupid cops let my dad off with ''another'' warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!
:'''Reese''': No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away! 
:'''Jessica''': ''[pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened]'' Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[aside to the camera]'' The sad thing is, we're ''still'' the worst family on this block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?
:'''Dewey''': Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?
:'''Hal''': No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!
:'''Dewey''': Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?
:'''Hal''': That's like ''four'' of them!

=== ''Kitty's Back'' ===
:'''Abe''': Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You're enjoying your special day, son?
:'''Dewey''': I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abe''': Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
:'''Waiter''': Ma'am?
:'''Lois''': The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
:'''Waiter''': That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting. 
:'''Reese''':''[offended]'' Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now. 
:''[The vacuum sucks up Reese's peeled skin suit]''
:'''Reese''': [shrieks] Noooooo. 
:'''Lois''': It just took it. 
:'''Reese''': That could've been me. ''[unplugs the vacuum]'' I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. ''[takes the vacuum and leaves]''

=== ''Hal's Christmas Gift'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
:'''Reese''': Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb.  You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an [[innocent]] [[bystander]].

=== ''Hal Sleepwalks'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': It's a good thing you weren't [[John Lennon]]'s mother.
:'''Lois''': If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[singing]'' No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?
:'''Dewey''': ''[singing]'' Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
:'''Malcolm''': What are you doing?
:'''Dewey''': That's the &quot;Meow Mix&quot; song.

=== ''Lois Battles Jamie'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[about Jamie]'' He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
:'''Hal''': Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up?! You want to tell me how that's fair?!
:'''Malcolm''': You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
:'''Dewey''': Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
:'''Malcolm''': No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': (to Jamie) you do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies! (carried Jamie over to Malcolm, Dewey &amp; Reese) A Lifetime ban from Gymboree, A LIFETIME BAN! (lois slams the door).

=== ''Malcolm's Car'' ===
:'''Reese''': You are going to be so proud of me.
:'''Malcolm''': Why?
:'''Reese''': I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me &quot;Sugarbuns&quot; fifteen times on nine separate occasions.
:'''Malcolm''': Reese...
:'''Reese''': So, the guy starts crying, &quot;What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything.&quot; Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[about Reese's latest scheme]'' Wow! Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?

=== ''Billboard'' ===
:''[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]''
:'''Lois''': ''[on the ground]'' OH MY GOD!
:'''Dewey''': Did you guys hear something?
:'''Lois''': What are you boys doing up there?!
:'''Malcolm''': It's Mom! ''[the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]''
:'''Dewey''': How'd she know where to find us!?
:'''Reese''': I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
:'''Dewey''': Maybe she didn't see us.
:'''Lois''': ''[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot]'' Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant! 
:'''Reese''': ''[bad Spanish accent]'' Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.
:''[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]''
:'''Reese''': ''[afraid]'' Where's the back door for this thing? 
:'''Malcolm''': ''[scared]'' It's a billboard! 
:'''Dewey''': ''[terrified]'' We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Check out that pig!
:'''Dewey''': You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.
:'''Reese''': That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.
:'''Malcolm''': Of what?
:'''Reese''': Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. ''[Points to the billboard girl]''
:'''Malcolm''': What about Mom?
:'''Reese''': We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.
:'''Malcolm''': So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?
:'''Reese''': Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.
:'''Dewey''': I'm sleeping on the other side. ''[He and Malcolm move away from him]''
:'''Reese''': Come on, I was just being honest! ''[Scoffs]'' So whipped!

=== ''Dewey's Opera'' ===
:'''Lois''': Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
:'''Hal''': ''[grabbing a pillow and blanket]'' Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
:''[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is performing his music.]''
:'''Zoe''': ''[playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
:'''Hanson''': ''[playing Hal and singing]'' I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it's on a big, giant bed.

=== ''Living Will'' ===
:''[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]''
:'''Lois:''' Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
:'''Hal:''' And this must be Christmas that same year.
:''[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]''
:'''Lois:''' He grew up so fast!
:'''Hal:''' Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
:''[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]''
:'''Lois:''' Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
:''[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]''
:'''Hal:''' ''[holds out wrist]'' Still keeps great time.
:'''Lois:''' Want to go through the arrest reports?
:'''Hal:''' I'll pour some more wine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital and brought him home, concerning the boys.]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's wrong with him?
:'''Lois''': The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
:'''Malcolm''': The waist up?!
:''[Lois is frustrated as Hal moves around, clearly in distress]''
:'''Reese''': Dad, what is it?
:''[Lois taps his head and he immediately calms down. He begins petting her leg with his foot.]''
:'''Dewey''': I think he's thanking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]''
:'''Lois''': It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the sex has been interesting.
:''[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to put toothpaste on his to his toothbrush]''
:'''Lois''': But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the coward's way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
:''[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]''
:'''Lois''': Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
:''[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'''
:'''Lois''': Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet. 
:''[she leaves disgusted]''

=== ''Tiki Lounge'' ===
:'''Hal''': We have to be home by 9:30. The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?
:''[Everybody pauses and looks at Lois]''
:'''Lois''': I don't know, something from the fridge.

=== ''Ida loses a Leg'' ===
:''[Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]'' 
:'''Dewey''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, ''again.'' So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''':''[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave]'' Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
:'''Ida''': Let him go. ''[about Dewey]'' It's the little one who owes me his life.
:'''Francis''': See? Even she thinks so.
:'''Lois''': Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
:'''Ida''': I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
:'''Francis''': If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
:'''Ida''': Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois is frustrated that Francis and Ida have continued fighting.]''
:'''Francis''': I don't care if knew the end of that Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone be happy!
:'''Ida''': Shut up, Monkey! Anyone with half-a-brain could see the rocks were alive!!!

=== ''Chad's Sleepover'' ===
:'''Reese''': ''[to Malcolm]'' Oh my god, I'm as unpopular as you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pizza Guy''': ''[to Hal]'' Oh, wait. This was supposed to be 12336. ''[looks at Hal]'' I bet you feel like a jackass.

=== ''No Motorcycles'' ===
:''[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]''
:'''Dewey''': God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!
:'''Reese''': We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?
:'''Malcolm''': ''[looks at Dewey]'' What about ''you''? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
:'''Dewey''': You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!
:'''Reese''': I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

=== ''Butterflies'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[slamming his head against a locker]'' At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?!
:'''Craig''': 22.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': ''[on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars]'' Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you?! Well welcome to ''my'' world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how ''you'' like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.
:'''Reese''': Then I can keep them?
:'''Hal''': Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

=== ''Ida's Dance'' ===
:'''Lois''': ''[about Ida]'' She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.
:'''Hal''': Why?
:'''Lois''': Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.
:'''Hal''': I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': Well, I'm finished. It's done. I almost gave up when I thought I burned the prunes, but I fell into this rhythm and just lost track of time. Next thing you know, it's done. It was a lot of work but you know something? It feels good.
:''[the old ladies wheel in a bigger tart on a metal rolling cart]''
:'''Lois''': What's that?
:'''Ludwina''': That's the real tart.
:'''Floransa''': You kept screwing up. We just knew it would be easier for everybody if we just made it ourselves.
:'''Lois''': But I worked for DAYS!
:'''Floransa:''' I'm sorry. I know you'd rather be at the disco, shaking your backside at a bunch of drug addicts.
:'''Lois''': Oh, you like St. Grotus Day? You like tarts? Well what are we waiting for? Let's celebrate! ''[jumps on both tarts while making noises]'' Well, maybe next time you'll think better before criticizing other people's desserts. ''[old ladies are shocked]''

=== ''Motivational Speaker'' ===
:'''Dewey''': Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.
:'''Lois''': ''[interrupts]'' Do you think I'm an idiot?
:'''Dewey''': huh?
:'''Lois''': Do you think I don't know where you've been?
:'''Dewey''': What do you mean?
:'''Lois''': You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.
:'''Dewey''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Lois''': Don't lie to me!
:'''Dewey''': It's not what you think!
:'''Lois''': Who is she?
:'''Dewey''': Why does that matter?
:'''Lois''': Who is she?!
:'''Dewey''': Mrs. Finnegan.
:''[Lois looks away with a hurt look on her face]''
:'''Dewey''': It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!
:'''Lois''': It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.
:'''Dewey''': I wasn't expecting any.
:'''Lois''': After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!
:'''Dewey''': Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just &quot;Clean your room&quot;, &quot;comb your hair&quot;…
:'''Lois''': ''[pauses]'' Do you love her?!
:'''Dewey''': Of course not, it's just snacks.
:'''Lois''': Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.
:'''Dewey''': That's beneath you, mom.

:'''Hal''': The question is will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. where do you think he will just stop.?

:'''guy 1''': The dry cleaner
:'''guy 2 ''': the drug store
:'''Hal''': where else? Tim?
:'''guy 3''': there's a place you can go  to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time
:'''hal''': *writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?
:'''hal''': (quitely) it means nothing.

=== ''Stilts'' ===
:'''Policeman''': Are these your boys?
:'''Hal''': You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?

=== ''Buseys Take a Hostage'' ===
:'''Mr. Flerch''': ''': [after Chad bites his finger]''': Ow! Now it's a matter for the police
:'''Hanson''': Excuse me, Mr. Flerch?

&lt;hr widith=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Flerch''': ''[Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.]'' It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. ''[sobs]'' It came with parking.
:'''Dewey''': I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.
:'''Francis''': ''[untying the two janitors]'' Is that all right with you guys?
:''[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]''
:'''Janitor''': That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?
:''[Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the house, Lois is seen pissed off with Reese as she grabs the clothes to take into the boys' bedroom as Malcolm comes in with his basketball.]''
:'''Malcolm''': What's up with mom?
:'''Reese''': Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.
:'''Malcolm''': What?
:'''Reese''': Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.
:'''Malcolm''': Oh my god.
:'''Reese''': ''[ecstatic]'' I know, now I get to repeat my senior year. Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I'm gonna make sure I fail all my classes so I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, got to college or get a job for a whole another year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.
:''[Lois comes in completely mad at Reese more after hearing his confession]''
:'''Reese''': Yeah, I know, mom.
:''[Lois leaves and Reese is drinking his soda in excitement as Malcolm leaves.]''

=== ''Mrs. Tri-County'' ===
:'''Dewey''': We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
:'''Hal''': You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': Dad, I have homework!
:'''Hal''': Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.

==Season 7==
=== ''Burning Man'' ===


:''[after Reese and Malcolm get caught at the middle of the night trying to sneak out to Burning Man]''

:'''Lois''': Hitchhiking?! Hitchhiking on the highway like hobos?!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;
:''[After Malcolm inadvertently convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]''
:'''Lois''': What a great idea, Malcolm! ''[Reese glares at Malcolm]''
:'''Reese''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!
:'''Malcolm''': You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!
:'''Reese''': Don't try sucking up to me now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

=== ''Health Insurance'' ===
:'''Hal''': What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
:'''Reese''': Dad, I can't die.
:'''Hal''': What?
:'''Reese''': I'm seventeen.
:'''Hal''': And so you can't die?
:'''Reese''': I just don't see it happening.
:'''Hal''': I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
:'''Reese''': Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.

=== ''Reese vs. Stevie'' ===
:''[Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audio book of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating some food in the car.]''
:'''Narrator''': Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....
:'''Reese''': ''[voice recording]'' a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.
:'''Lois''': ''[Enraged]'' REEESE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lois walks in as Hal and Dewey are locked in battle over using each other's vices. Dewey is drinking coffee and Hal is smoking cigarettes]''
:'''Dewey''':''[Drinking Coffee]'' MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.
:'''Hal''':''[smoking a cigarette]'' Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
:'''Lois''':''[Catches Hal smoking]'' HAL!
:'''Hal''':''[takes out his cigarette]'' Dewey's drinking coffee.
:''[He tries to get rid of the cigarette evidence by tossing it away. However to his dismay, Lois ignores Dewey for the moment. In her opinion, his drinking coffee doesn't equal to the type of punishment that she will inflict on Hal in breaking his promise by smoking in the house again.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything. 
:''[Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[to the camera]'' Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.
:'''Lois''': Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, he's my brother.

=== ''Halloween'' ===
:'''Lois''': I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.
:'''Hal''': There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.
:'''Lois''':''[reminding Hal]'' But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. ''[disgusted]'' Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
:'''Reese''': I'm telling you, it's the fear.

=== ''Jessica Stays Over'' ===
:'''Jessica''': Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that. 
:'''Malcolm''': What for? 
:'''Jessica''': My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean. 
:'''Malcolm''': What?! 
:'''Jessica''': Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole &quot;chasm of loneliness&quot; crap. 
:'''Malcolm''': You can't hook up in my house! ''I've'' never hooked up in my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dewey holds up a jar of honey]''
:'''Dewey''': Is that a bee? 
:'''Hal''': That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much. 
:'''Dewey''': Where did this come from? 
:'''Hal''': Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine. 
:'''Dewey''': You did it yourself? ''[Hal nods]''
:'''Dewey''': How'd you know how to do that? 
:'''Hal''': It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that. 
:'''Dewey''': I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though. 
:'''Hal''': It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading ''us'' on toast right now.

=== ''Secret Boyfriend'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[bringing a soda]'' Here, I brought one for you. 
:'''Reese''': Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. ''[Switches cans]'' Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! ''[Switches cans again]'' Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! ''[Switches again]'' Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! ''[Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]'' 
:'''Malcolm''': I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': ''[about Reese]'' What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future. 
:'''Hal''': I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Reese is having a nightmare of himself in his 40s taking care of an elderly, obese and controlling Lois.]''
:'''Lois''': Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.
:''[She tosses her bedsheets and Reese wakes up, screaming in terror. He quickly runs inside Hal and Lois' bedroom to confront his mother]''
:'''Reese''': I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.

=== ''Blackout'' ===

:'''Jamie''': ''[gasps and see Francis]'' Francis!

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;
:''[The house lights go out.]''
:'''Lois''': ''[in the shower]'' Hal!
:'''Hal''': I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lois''':That stupid fish!

:'''Hal''': Malcolm!

:'''Malcolm''': Crap!

&lt;hr width 70%&gt;
:'''Hal''': You're here!
:'''Malcolm''': Kind of.
:'''Hal''': You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!
:'''Malcolm''': You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!
:'''Hal''': That only applies if you're actually drunk!

=== ''Army Buddy'' ===
:'''Reese''': You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster. 
:'''Malcolm''': Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you. 
:'''Reese''': She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way. 
:'''Malcolm''': Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her. 
:'''Reese''': It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment. 
:'''Malcolm''': That's love, dude. 
:'''Reese''': Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abby''': I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am. 
:'''Lois''': Me? 
:'''Abby''': Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors? 
:'''Lois''': I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

=== ''Malcolm Defends Reese'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': Tough break, Mr Herkabe.
:'''Mr. Herkabe''': ''[After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges]'' I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!
:'''Malcolm''': You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.
:'''Mr. Herkabe''': Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hal''': Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture. 
:'''Dewey''': What do you mean? 
:'''Hal''': Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates. 
:'''Dewey''': I'm not sure. 
:'''Hal''': Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son. 

=== ''Malcolm's Money'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': ''[seeing his photo on the screen]'' What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
:'''Earl''': Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.
:'''Malcolm''': I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.
:'''Earl''': Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
:'''Judith''': No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

&lt;hr width 50%&gt;

:'''Hal''': Now, where's the rest of the money?

:'''Lois''': There isn't any.

:'''Dewey''': What?

:'''Hal''': You just spent 10.000$  on a stupid dollhouse?!

:'''Lois''': They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.

=== ''Bride of Ida'' ===
:''[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]''
:'''Reese''': What's Grandma doing here?!
:'''Malcolm:''' You never said Grandma was coming!
:'''Lois''': I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, &quot;What are you going to do about it&quot;? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female Security Agent''': ''[to Lois]'' Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
:'''Lois''': You need to touch my what?
:'''Female Security Agent''': I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. ''[putting on rubber gloves]''
:'''Lois''': Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
:'''Dewey''': ''[yelling]'' Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
:'''Male Agent''': The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? ''[More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]''
:''[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]''
:'''Hal''': OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
:'''Dewey''': So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
:''[Lois makes an embarrassed smile]''

=== ''College Recruiters'' ===
:'''Hal''': Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
:'''Malcolm''': The waiting period?
:'''Reese''': Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

=== ''Mono'' ===
:'''Malcolm''': This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': ''[at the computer]'' I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... ''[clicks a button on the computer's mouse]'' now.
:'''Malcolm''': I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
:'''Reese''': What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
:'''Dewey''': It was disgusting.
:'''Malcolm''': ''[frustrated]'' She licked her finger and touched my face!
:'''Reese''': Spare us the perv details.

=== ''Hal Grieves'' ===
:'''Reese''': Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
:'''Dewey''': I guess.
:'''Reese''': I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
:'''Dewey''': It's the least we could do for him.

=== ''A.A.'' ===
:''[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]''
:'''Lois:''' Before I forget...
:''[Lois picks up a vase on a table]''
:'''Lois:''' This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
:''[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]''
:'''Lois:''' There. Now I can relax.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
:'''Dewey''': I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
:'''Reese''': Arcade? What are you, 12?
:'''Dewey''': Yeah.

=== ''Lois Strikes Back'' ===
:'''Lois''': Are you trying to calm me down?
:'''Hal''': No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
:'''Lois''': ''[quietly]'' Get like what?
:'''Hal''': Well... you know.
:'''Lois''': No, I don't know. How is it I get?
:'''Hal''': Well...
:'''Lois''': If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. ''[pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]''
:'''Hal''': You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lois''': I've been a terrible mother.
:'''Reese''': It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.

=== ''Hal's Dentist'' ===
:'''Reese''': Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
:'''Lois''': You were afraid of mailboxes?
:'''Reese''': I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
:'''Lois''': All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
:'''Reese''': No, I was really saying quit.

=== ''Bomb Shelter'' ===
:'''Dewey''': What if we do everything on his &quot;To Do&quot; board and then let him out?
:'''Reese''': That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. ''[reads note]'' &quot;Change Dewey's diaper.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

=== ''Stevie in the Hospital'' ===
:'''Clerk''':  Can I help you find something?
:'''Malcolm''': Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say &quot;Get well&quot;?
:'''Clerk''': This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reese''': Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

=== ''Cattle Court'' ===
:'''Lois''': Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
:'''Craig''': It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

=== ''Morp'' ===
:'''Lois''': That was a good thing you did, son.
:'''Dewey''': Thanks.
:'''Lois''': Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice. ''[Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture]'' Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': ''[as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp]'' You can't just let them say &quot;I'm sorry&quot; after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, &quot;sorry!&quot; This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!
:'''Naked Guy''': ''[goes up to Malcolm]'' Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.
:''[Malcolm looks disgusted]''

=== ''Graduation'' ===
:'''Piama''': Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! ''[Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]''
:'''Francis''': There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
:'''Ida''': You better make that first swing count, princess!
:''[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]''
:'''Lois''': Hal... 
:'''Hal''': Right. ''[Calming down Francis]'' Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]''
:'''Malcolm''': ''[furious]'' You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks ''exactly'' how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
:'''Lois''': Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
:'''Malcolm''': ''How'' is being rich throwing my life away?!
:'''Lois''': Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
:'''Malcolm''': What?!
:'''Lois''': Of the United States.
:'''Malcolm''': Dad...!
:'''Hal''': I'm sorry, son. It's true. ''[Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]''
:'''Francis''': Thought you knew.
:'''Hal''': Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
:'''Malcolm''': What if I don't want to be President?!
:'''Lois''': It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
:'''Malcolm''': ''[sarcastic]'' Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
:'''Lois''': That doesn't matter. What ''does'' matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ''ever'' give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
:'''Malcolm''': Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
:'''Lois''': Of course it did. We decided against it.
:'''Malcolm''': WHAT?!
:'''Lois''': Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
:'''Malcolm''': ''I've been suffering '''all my life!'''''
:'''Lois''': I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and ''finally'' you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
:'''Hal''': That's Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': ''[gleeful]'' Really?
:'''Malcolm''': This is unbelievable! You actually ''expect'' me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
:'''Lois''': You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. ''[Malcolm can only stand in silence]''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz]] - Malcolm
* [[w:Jane Kaczmarek|Jane Kaczmarek]] - Lois
* [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]] - Hal
* [[w:Justin Berfield|Justin Berfield]] - Reese
* [[w:Erik Per Sullivan|Erik Per Sullivan]] - Dewey
* [[w:Christopher Kennedy Masterson|Christopher Kennedy Masterson]] - Francis
* [[w:James Rodriguez|James Rodriguez]] and [[w:Lukas Rodriguez|Lukas Rodriguez]] - Jamie
* [[w:Craig Lamar Traylor|Craig Lamar Traylor]] - Stevie Kenarban
* [[w:David Anthony Higgins|David Anthony Higgins]] - Craig Feldspar
* [[w:Emy Coligado|Emy Coligado]] - Piama Tananahaakna 
* [[w:Eric Nenninger|Eric Nenninger]] - Eric Hanson
* [[w:Daniel von Bargen|Daniel von Bargen]] - Commandant Edwin Spangler
* [[Cloris Leachman]] - Grandma Ida

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0212671|Malcolm in the Middle}}
* [http://www.malcolminthemiddle.co.uk/ Malcolm In The Middle Voting Community]

[[Category:2000s American teen sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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[[Category:TV shows about dysfunctional families]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>John McCain</title>
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      <comment>/* Quotes about McCain */</comment>
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      <text bytes="171012" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John McCain.jpg|thumb|Your [[character]] is not [[tested]] on occasions of public scrutiny or acclaim. It is not tested in [[moments]] when the object of your actions is the regard of another. Your character is what you are to yourself, not what you [[pretend]] to be to yourself or others.]]
'''[[w:John McCain|John Sidney McCain III]]''' ([[29 August]] [[1936]] - [[25 August]] [[2018]]) was an American politician, statesman, and [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]] officer who served as a [[w:United States Senator|United States Senator]] for [[Arizona]] from 1987 until his death in 2018. He previously served two terms in the [[w:United States House of Representatives|United States House of Representatives]] and was the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] nominee for [[president of the United States]] in the [[w:2008 United States presidential election|2008 election]], which he lost to [[Barack Obama]].

==Quotes==
[[File:John McCain Official Other Version.jpg|thumb|I will not take the low road to the highest office in this land. I want the [[presidency]] in the best way, not the worst way.]]
[[File:Msc2012 20120205 014 Mc Cain during the panel Frank Plitt.jpg|thumb|I was in a conference in Germany over the weekend and president [[Putin]] of [[Germany]] gave one of the old [[Cold War]] style speeches.]]
[[File:John McCain official photo portrait.JPG|thumb|You are [[blessed]]. Make the most of it.]]
[[File:Msc2011 dett mccain 0349.jpg|thumb|No one of good [[character]] leaves behind a wasted [[life]].]]
[[File:John McCain - Guard Association of the United States General Conference.jpg|thumb|[[Human]] beings are still capable of [[violence]] and [[cruelty]]. We all succumb to [[sin]].]]
[[File:President Barack Obama and Senator John McCain press conference.jpg|thumb|Whatever our [[differences]], we are [[fellow]] [[Americans]]. And please [[believe]] me when I say no association has ever [[meant]] more to me than that.]]
[[File:Flickr - europeanpeoplesparty - EPP in the USA (18).jpg|thumb|There is [[nothing]] that's off the table. I have my positions and I'll articulate them.]]
[[File:Reagans with John McCain 1987.jpg|thumb|I will [[work]] with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. I will listen to any [[idea]] that is offered in [[good faith]] and intended to help [[solve]] our [[problems]], not make them [[worse]].]]
[[File:John McCain official portrait 2009.jpg|thumb|I've got to give you some [[Honesty|straight talk]].]]
[[File:Flag of the United States.svg|thumb|I lived and [[died]] a proud American. We are [[citizens]] of the [[world]]’s greatest [[republic]], a [[nation]] of [[ideals]], not blood and soil. We are [[blessed]] and are a blessing to [[humanity]] when we uphold and advance those ideals at home and in the world. We have [[helped]] [[liberate]] more [[people]] from [[tyranny]] and [[poverty]] than ever before in history. We have acquired great [[wealth]] and [[power]] in the process.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States (1777-1795).svg|thumb|[[America]], the only [[nation]] ever founded in the name of [[liberty]].]]
[[File:Barack Obama speaks about contracting reform 3-4-09 2.jpg|thumb|We must meet as [[Americans]], not as [[Democrats]] or [[Republicans]], and we must meet until this [[crisis]] is resolved.]]
[[File:Raustadt Photo of McCain-1.JPG|thumb|I would rather have a clean [[government]], than one where 'First Amendment rights' are being respected, that has become [[corrupt]].]]
[[File:Interview_with_Lt._Comdr._John_S._McCain.jpg|thumb|Only a [[fool]] or a [[fraud]] talks tough or romantically about [[war]].]]
[[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|I will [[fight]], but we will be respectful. I admire Senator [[Barack Obama|Obama]] and his accomplishments, I will [[respect]] him. I want everyone to be respectful, and let's make sure we are, because that's the way [[politics]] should be conducted in [[America]].]]
[[File:1.12.02NewYorkStockExchangeByLuigiNovi1.jpg|thumb|You know that there’s been tremendous turmoil in our financial markets and Wall Street.]]
[[File:Marriner S. Eccles Federal Reserve Board Building.jpg|thumb|I'm glad whenever they cut interest rates, I wish interest rates were zero.]]
[[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|[[Barack Obama|He]]'s a decent, family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about.]]
[[File:020112-M-2375M-505 Memorial Service Kandahar.jpg|thumb|[[America]] is the greatest [[force]] for [[good]] in the [[history]] of the [[world]].]]
[[File:Flickr - Official U.S. Navy Imagery - Funeral services for Lt. Christopher Mosko. (2).jpg|thumb|[[Americans]] are very frustrated, and they have every right to be. We’ve wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American [[lives]].]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|[[People]] have come to this country from everywhere, and people from everywhere have made [[America]] [[great]].]]
[[File:San Francisco, California. Flag of allegiance pledge at Raphael Weill Public School, Geary and Buch . . . - NARA - 537476.tif|thumb|[[Respect]] for the [[God]]-given [[dignity]] of every [[human]] being, no matter their race, ethnicity or other circumstances of their birth, is the [[essence]] of American [[patriotism]]. To believe otherwise is to [[oppose]] the very [[idea]] of America.]]
[[File:Chapmans Coffin.jpg|thumb|As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me and I [[hope]] it would be fine with you.]]
[[File:Yellow sunrise.JPG|thumb|We're no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of [[success]].]]
[[File:Singaporesurrender.jpg|thumb|We're Americans, and we'll never [[surrender]]. They will.]]
[[File:Nyamata Memorial Site 13.jpg|thumb|We are always, despite our advances, only one [[sin]] away from slipping into the abyss of [[terror]] and [[ignorance]].]]
[[File:Sow with piglet.jpg|thumb|I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.]]
[[File:B-2 Spirit original.jpg|thumb|Bomb, bomb! Bomb, [[Iran]]!]]
[[File:1-5 Marines in Fallujah 07 April 204.jpg|thumb|It's a tough [[war]] we're in. It's not going to be over right away.]]
[[File:Nanking bodies 1937.jpg|thumb|[[War]] is wretched beyond description, and only a [[fool]] or a [[fraud]] could sentimentalize its cruel [[reality]].]]
[[File:111th US Senate class photo.jpg|thumb|They're the [[government]]; sooner or later we are going to have to deal with them, one way or another.]]
[[File:Keithellison.jpg|thumb|I would vote for a [[Muslim]] if he or she was the best candidate able to lead the country and defend our political [[values]].]]
[[File:Marlboro4wiki2.JPG|thumb|Maybe [[w:Cigarette|that's]] a way of killing [[w:Iranian peoples|them]].]]
[[File:Flag of Pennsylvania at Pittsburgh International Airport - 01.JPG|thumb|Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about western [[Pennsylvania]] lately. I couldn't agree with them more.]]
[[File:Camp x-ray detainees.jpg|thumb|This is a [[moral]] [[debate]]. It is about who we are. I don’t mourn the loss of any terrorist's life.]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Cindy McCain.jpg|thumb|I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago.]]
[[File:Cindy McCain testifies to Congress on the Democratic Republic of Congo..jpg|thumb|At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.]]
[[File:Chelsea Clinton in 2008 cropped.jpg|thumb|Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.]] --&gt; 
[[File:Eddie Albert Eva Gabor Green Acres 1969.JPG|thumb|I spent five and a half years in [[prison]]. The worst part was coming home and finding out ''[[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]'' had been cancelled. What the hell was I fighting for?]]
[[File:Pavnattack.jpg|thumb|I [[hate]] the gooks. I will hate them as long as I [[live]].]]
[[File:Vladimir_Putin_in_KGB_uniform.jpg|thumb|I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a [[w:KGB|'K', a 'G', and a 'B']].]]
===1980s===
* I can't believe a guy that handsome wouldn't have some impact.
** On [[George H. W. Bush]]'s selection of [[Dan Quayle]] as VP nominee, as quoted in &quot;Bush taps Quayle for VP&quot; (17 August 1988), by Jeff Mapes, ''The Oregonian'', p. A01.

===1990s===
* Like every other 13-year-old in America, she's in love with [[Leonardo DiCaprio]], who I think is an androgynous wimp. You know what he does throughout the whole movie ''[[Titanic]]''? He smokes.
** On his daughter, in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/campaigns/wh2000/stories/wh060898.htm ''The Washington Post'' (8 June 1998)]

* '''America, the only nation ever founded in the name of liberty, never had a more ardent champion of liberty than Barry Goldwater. Simply put, Barry Goldwater was in love with freedom.'''
** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/05/29/national/main10557.shtml &quot;Goldwater Called 'Great Patriot'&quot; at ''CBS News'' (29 May 1998)] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLATQAU-Hw0]
**McCain was Barry Goldwater's 1986 senate successor from Arizona.

* Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is [[w:Janet Reno|Janet Reno]].
**GOP fund-raiser, Washington D.C., (June 1998)&lt;ref&gt;{{cite news 
 | author = the Flash
 | title = Flashes - That's Senator McNasty to You
 | url = http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/1998-06-18/news/flashes/
 | work = Phoenix New Times
 | publisher = Village Voice Media
 | date = 1998-06-18
 | accessdate = 2007-02-19
 | quote = The Washington Post broke the news last week of yet another McCain gaffe, made during a GOP fund raiser at a D.C. steak house. But neither the Post nor any other national publication that the Flash knows of actually printed the joke. To its credit, the Arizona Republic did. Here goes: ...
}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;{{cite web
| url = http://www.salon.com/news/1998/06/25newsb.html
| title = A joke too bad to print?
| accessdate = 2007-02-09
| last = Corn
| first = David
| work = Salon.com
| publisher = Salon.com
| archiveurl = http://web.archive.org/web/20000229090904/http://www.salon.com/news/1998/06/25newsb.html
| archivedate = 1998-06-25
}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;{{cite web
| url = http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml
| title = McCain's Out-of-Control Anger
| accessdate = 2007-02-09
| last = Kessler
| first = Ronald
| date = 2006-07-05
| work = NewsMax.com
| publisher = NewsMax.com
| archivedate = 2007-02-08
| archiveurl = http://web.archive.org/web/20060721082127/http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml
| quote = &quot;… only a few news outlets, like the Phoenix New Times in Arizona and the National Journal, that ran an Associated Press story reporting McCain's 1998 joke suggesting that Chelsea Clinton was ugly and Janet Reno and Hillary Clinton were lesbians.&quot;
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* War is wretched beyond description, and only a fool or a fraud could sentimentalize its cruel reality. 
** [http://mccain.senate.gov/index.cfm?fuseaction=Newscenter.ViewPressRelease&amp;Content_id=820 Speech to the American Red Cross &quot;Promise of Humanity&quot; conference] (6 May 1999).

* Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in return.
** As quoted in [http://www.issues2002.org/Senate/John_McCain_Principles_&amp;_Values.htm &quot;Faith of My Fathers&quot;] (9 November 1999).

====Speech at [[w:Ohio Wesleyan University|Ohio Wesleyan University]] (1997)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/press-releases?ID=A3ADC4C1-84A7-4FFF-B5ED-3C5DC243F25F Address at Ohio Wesleyan University (11 May 1997)]&lt;/small&gt;   
* The times we live in are alternately derided for their failings and romanticized for their emerging opportunities. It sometimes seems that we now live amid greater violence, greater uncertainty; that the world suffers more conflicts and tragedies; that the poor are poorer and greater in number; that race, ethnicity and nationalism divide us more intractably than ever before. &lt;br&gt; But that is not so. Human beings are still capable of violence and cruelty. We all succumb to sin. But look back at any preceding century or even just a few decades, and you will see cruelty, violence and misery on a scale that is, with few exceptions, unknown today.

* Mankind has advanced. Human progress is ceaseless. We can look at Bosnia or Zaire or Rwanda and conclude that building just societies is a fool's errand. We are always, despite our advances, only one sin away from slipping into the abyss of terror and ignorance. &lt;br&gt;But that is not so. Generations upon generations have driven the human race farther and farther from darkness. Past episodes of abominable human cruelty are kept vivid in the memories of succeeding generations. &quot;Never again,&quot; is the admonition passed from the survivors of the Holocaust to their descendants and to us all. And although such an important reminder will not always prevent the occurrence of cruelty and violence even at levels approaching genocide, the civilized world is more inclined to organize opposition to such tragedies if not as early as we should, at least sooner than we once would have.

* No one of good character leaves behind a wasted life — whether they die in obscurity or renown. &quot;Character,&quot; wrote the 19th Century evangelist, Dwight Moody, &quot;is what you are in the dark.&quot; Your character is not tested on occasions of public scrutiny or acclaim. It is not tested in moments when the object of your actions is the regard of another. Your character is what you are to yourself, not what you pretend to be to yourself or others. Although human beings often attempt self-delusion, we cannot forever hide the truth about ourselves from ourselves. It will make itself known to us by means of our conscience despite our most strenuous effort to suppress it.

* Like most people of my age, I feel a longing for what is lost and cannot be restored. But if the happy pursuits and casual beauty of youth prove ephemeral, something better can endure, and endure until our last moment on earth. And that is the honor we earn and the love we give if at a moment in our lives we sacrifice for something greater than self-interest. &lt;br&gt; We cannot choose the moments. They arrive unbidden by us. We can choose to let the moments pass, and avoid the difficulties they entail. But the loss we would incur by that choice is much dearer than the tribute we once paid to vanity and pleasure.

* You have at hand many examples of good character from whom you will have learned the lessons by which you can live your own lives. You are blessed. Make the most of it.

===2000s===
* I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out ''[[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]'' had been cancelled. What the hell was I fighting for?
** Comedy sketch on ''[http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/celebritysecrets/mccain.shtml Late Night with Conan O'Brien]'' (2000) 

* I hate the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live.
** Statement about his North Vietnamese prison guards, in response to a question asked by reporters aboard his campaign bus. (17 February 2000) He later refused to apologize for using a racial slur, stating: &quot;I was referring to my prison guards, and I will continue to refer to them in language that might offend some people because of the beating and torture of my friends.&quot; [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2000/02/18/MN32194.DTL ''San Francisco Chronicle'' (18 February 2000)]

* I will not take the low road to the highest office in this land. I want the presidency in the best way, not the worst way.
** [http://www.votesmart.org/speech_detail.php?sc_id=72173 ''Remarks following the South Carolina Primary''] (19 February 2000).

* Neither party should be defined by pandering to the outer reaches of American politics and the agents of intolerance, whether they be [[Louis Farrakhan]] and [[Al Sharpton]] on the left, or [[Pat Robertson]] or [[Jerry Falwell]] on the right.
** Address at Virginia Beach (2000), as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20000228/aponline165646_000.htm ''The Washington Post''] (28 February 2000).

* By 2008, I think I might be ready to go down to the old soldiers home and await the cavalry charge there.
** As quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/election/july-dec00/mccain_8-1.html ''NewsHour with Jim Lehrer''] (1 August 2000).

* The vice president has two duties. One is to inquire daily as to the health of the president, and the other is to attend the funerals of third world dictators. And neither of those do I find an enjoyable exercise. 
** In response to question by Tim Russert on how he would respond if George W. Bush asked him to be his vice presidential running mate in 2000. Interview on ''Meet the Press''. Originally aired 3 March 2000. Aired again as a clip 15 June 2008 ([http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25171251/page/3/ transcript]).

*I am reminded of the words of Chairman Mao: It's always darkest before it goes completely black.
**As quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/mccain-wraps-it-up/ &quot;McCain Wraps It Up&quot;] (5 March 2008), by Andante Higgins, ''CBS News''

====2001====
* There is some indication, and I don’t have the conclusions, but some of this anthrax may — and I emphasize may — have come from Iraq.
**[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/08/01/mccain-anthrax-iraq/ ''David Letterman''] (18 October 2001), linking anthrax attacks in the U.S. to Iraq.

====2002====
* Because I know that as successful as I believe we will be, and I believe that the success [in Iraq] will be fairly easy, we will still lose some American young men or women. And that's a great tragedy.
**Appearance on [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0209/24/lkl.00.html ''Larry King Live''], (24 September 2002)

=====''Worth the Fighting For'' (2002)=====
* Many families could not and should not have been expected to abandon hope that their sons, husbands, and brothers who had disappeared in the jungles of Vietnam might yet be returned to them. And many good people, who shared their hope and had come to their assistance, were motivated by the most admirable of intentions, to keep faith with Americans who had done all that duty asked of them. But these good intentions and understandable emotions also drew the attention of people with less honorable purposes. There came to exist in America, and elsewhere in the years that followed the Vietnam War, a small cottage industry made up of swindlers, dime-store Rambos, and just plain old conspiracy nuts who preyed on the emotions of the families and on the attention of ofﬁcials who were dedicated to the search for our missing. They had helped convince many of the families and a few members of Congress that the US. government had knowingly abandoned American servicemen in Vietnam and that ﬁve successive presidential administrations had covered up the crime. It was among the most damaging and most hurtful of all the lies about the Vietnam War that I ever encountered.
** pp. 235 - 236

* I didn't decide to run for president to start a national crusade for the political reforms I believed in, or to run a campaign as if it were some grand act of patriotism. In truth, I wanted to be president because it had become my ambition to be president.
** p. 373

====2004====

*When you’re in the midst, it feels like it will never end. But you keep going and moving forward—and suddenly you’re looking back on the [[pain]] rather than living it.
**As quoted in ''Stronger'', by Cindy McCain

=====Speech at the Republican National Convention (2004)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gwu.edu/~action/2004/repconv04/mccain083004sp.html Speech at the Republican National Convention (30 August 2004)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The awful events of September 11, 2001 declared a war we were vaguely aware of, but hadn't really comprehended how near the threat was, and how terrible were the plans of our enemies.&lt;br&gt;It's a big thing, this war.&lt;br&gt;It's a fight between a just regard for human dignity and a malevolent force that defiles an honorable religion by disputing God's love for every soul on earth. It's a fight between right and wrong, good and evil.&lt;br&gt;And should our enemies acquire for their arsenal the chemical, biological and nuclear weapons they seek, this war will become a much bigger thing.&lt;br&gt;So it is, whether we wished it or not, that we have come to the test of our generation, to our rendezvous with destiny.&lt;br&gt;And much is expected of us.&lt;br&gt;We are engaged in a hard struggle against a cruel and determined adversary.&lt;br&gt;Our enemies have made clear the danger they pose to our security and to the very essence of our culture ...liberty.&lt;br&gt;Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war.&lt;br&gt;Like all wars, this one will have its ups and downs.&lt;br&gt;But we must fight. We must.

* As we've been a good friend to other countries in moments of shared perils, so we have good reason to expect their solidarity with us in this struggle. That is what the President believes.&lt;br&gt;And, thanks to his efforts we have received valuable assistance from many good friends around the globe, even if we have, at times, been disappointed with the reactions of some. I don't doubt the sincerity of my Democratic friends. And they should not doubt ours.

* What our enemies have sought to destroy is beyond their reach. It cannot be taken from us. It can only be surrendered.&lt;br&gt;My friends, we are again met on the field of political competition with our fellow countrymen. It is more than appropriate, it is necessary that even in times of crisis we have these contests, and engage in spirited disagreement over the shape and course of our government.&lt;br&gt;We have nothing to fear from each other. We are arguing over the means to better secure our freedom, and promote the general welfare. But it should remain an argument among friends who share an unshaken belief in our great cause, and in the goodness of each other.&lt;br&gt;We are Americans first, Americans last, Americans always. Let us argue our differences. But remember we are not enemies, but comrades in a war against a real enemy, and take courage from the knowledge that our [[military]] superiority is matched only by the superiority of our ideals, and our unconquerable love for them.&lt;br&gt;Our adversaries are weaker than us in arms and men, but weaker still in causes. They fight to express a hatred for all that is good in humanity.&lt;br&gt;We fight for love of freedom and justice, a love that is invincible. Keep that faith. Keep your courage. Stick together. Stay strong.&lt;br&gt;Do not yield. Do not flinch. Stand up. Stand up with our President and fight.&lt;br&gt;We're Americans.&lt;br&gt;We're Americans, and we'll never surrender.&lt;br&gt;They will.

====2005====
* I think one of our big problems has been the fact that many Iraqis resent American military presence. And I don't pretend to know exactly Iraqi public opinion. But as soon as we can reduce our visibility as much as possible, the better I think it is going to be.
**As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6895182/ ''MSNBC''] (31 January 2005)

* I am sure that Senator [[Hillary Clinton|Clinton]] would make a good president. I happen to be a Republican and would support, obviously, a Republican nominee, but I have no doubt that Senator Clinton would make a good president.
** As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7003226/ ''Meet the Press''] (20 February 2005)

*[[Mike Murphy (political consultant)|Mike]] is the most entertaining, most knowledgeable, and most insightful guy I have ever dealt with. I am constantly entertained by him.
**As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20060307070315/http://www.boston.com:80/news/politics/president/articles/2005/06/12/romney_guru_thrives_in_political_show_business/?page=full &quot;Romney guru thrives in political 'show business'&quot;] (12 June 2005), by Brian C. Mooney, ''The Boston Globe''

* General [[w:Richard Myers|Myers]] seems to [[Assumption|assume]] that things have gone well in Iraq. General Myers seems to assume that the American people, the support for our conflict there is not eroding. General Myers seems to assume that everything has gone fine and our declarations of victory, of which there have been many, have not had an impact on American public opinion. &lt;BR&gt;Things have not gone as we had planned or expected, nor as we were told by you, General Myers. And that's why I'm very worried, because I think we have to win this conflict.
** Comments made to General Richard Myers in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec05/hearings_9-29.html U.S. Senate hearings into the Iraq War] (29 September 2005)

* I'm going to be honest: I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated.
** As quoted in [http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110007600 ''Wall Street Journal''] (26 November 2005), by Stephen Moore

====2006====
* I don't think I need to tell you that there are jobs that Americans will not do. I don't think I have to tell you that there are. … [audience response] Now, my friends, I'll offer anybody here fifty dollars an hour if you'll go pick lettuce in Yuma this season and pick for the whole season. [audience response] So, OK, sign up! Ok, when you sign up, you sign up, and you'll be there for the whole season, the whole season, OK, not just one day. Because you can't do it, my friend.
** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12155322/ Declaring at an AFL-CIO convention in April 2006 that no Americans would be willing to do agricultural work for as little as $50/hour].

*The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy,' then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it.
**Speaking about [[w:Don't ask, don't tell|Don't ask, don't tell]], before students at [[w:Iowa State University|Iowa State University]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|work=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]|publisher=[[w:The Washington Post Company|The Washington Post Company]]|date=February 3, 2010|first=Michael D. |last=Shear|title=McCain appears to shift on 'don't ask, don't tell'|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/02/AR2010020202588.html|accessdate=2010-10-28}}

* They're the government; sooner or later we are going to have to deal with them, one way or another, and I understand why this administration and previous administrations had such antipathy towards Hamas because of their dedication to violence and the things that they not only espouse but practice, so . . . but it's a new reality in the Middle East. I think the lesson is people want security and a decent life and decent future, that they want democracy. Fatah was not giving them that.
** [http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/16/1029617.aspx Interview with James P. Rubin] (2006)

* I don’t know if I would want him as vice president. He and I have the same strengths. But to serve in other capacities? Hell, yeah.
** [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/11000.html In an interview to the Weekly Standard] regarding his interest in [[Dick Cheney]] serving in McCain's administration (2006)

* I work in Washington and I know that money corrupts. And I and a lot of other people were trying to stop that corruption. Obviously, from what we've been seeing lately, we didn't complete the job. But '''I would rather have a clean government than one where 'First Amendment rights' are being respected''' that has become corrupt. If I had my choice, I'd rather have the clean government.
**On the [[Don Imus]] show&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/10/AR2006051001787.html Our Right And His Wrongs, George F. Will]&lt;/ref&gt; (28 April 2006)

====2007====
* [I]n the words of [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]], 'It's darkest before it's totally black.'
** In response to a reporter's question, &quot;Which is more likely: making progress in Iraq or you winning the nomination?&quot; (July 2007) &lt;ref name=Liasson&gt;Liasson, Mara. [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12000037 McCain Nearly Broke But Stays Course]. ''National Public Radio''. [[July 7]], [[2007]].&lt;/ref&gt;

* Contracting a fatal disease.
** In response to a reporter's question, &quot;Are there any circumstances under which you could imagine yourself not still being a candidate when the presidential primaries are held?&quot; (July 2007) &lt;ref name=Liasson/&gt;

* While I don't in any way question your honor, your patriotism or your service to our country, I do question some of the decisions, the judgments you’ve made over the past two and a half years. During that time things have gotten markedly and progressively worse.
** To General [[w:George W. Casey, Jr.|George Casey]] in his confirmation hearing as the nominee for Army Chief of Staff, before the Senate Armed Services Committee (1 February 2007) [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16915520/]

* We are paying a very heavy price for the mismanagement -- that's the kindest word I can give you -- of [[Donald Rumsfeld]], of this war. The price is very, very heavy and I regret it enormously. I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history.
** {{cite news 
 | author = Associated Press
 | title = McCain blasts Rumsfeld for Iraq war missteps
 | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17231371/from/RS.5/
 | work = MSNBC.com
 | date = 2007-02-19
 | accessdate = 2007-02-20
}}

* Americans are very frustrated, and they have every right to be. We’ve wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American lives.
** Discussing the Iraq War on the ''[[w:Late Show with David Letterman|Late Show with David Letterman]]'' (28 February 2007)
** {{cite news 
 | author = Associated Press
 | title = McCain to formally announce bid in April
 | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17389011/
 | work = MSNBC.com
 | date = 2007-03-01
 | accessdate = 2007-03-01
}}

* I'm not running for president to be somebody, but to do something; to do the hard but necessary things not the easy and needless things.
** Senator McCain's announcement speech for his [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McCain_presidential_campaign,_2008 2008 presidential bid] (25 April 2007)
** Full text of the speech can be found [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/25/us/politics/26mccain_text.html here on The New York Times]

* [On presidential candidates not condemning the controversial [[w:MoveOn|MoveOn.org]] ad in ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]''.] If you're not tough enough to repudiate a scurrilous, outrageous attack such as that, then I don't know how you're tough enough to be president of the United States.
** As quoted in [http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2007/09/16/sister_souljah_moments/ The Boston Globe''] (16 September 2007)

* I have not been keeping up with it as much as I should have maybe, because it’s certainly—This and [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]] are the kind of issues that seem to get a lot more attention than maybe some of us think they deserve.
** On being asked whether [[w:O. J. Simpson|O. J. Simpson]] could get a fair trial in the [[w:O. J. Simpson Las Vegas robbery case|robbery case]], in a  [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20838374/ televised interview] on [[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|''Hardball with Chris Matthews'']], 17 September 2007

* I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the best candidate able to lead the country and defend our political values.
** upon calling the reporter after said [http://www.beliefnet.com/story/220/story_22001_1.html|the interview], to clarify his position

* I'm glad whenever they cut interest rates, I wish interest rates were zero.
** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21221689/ Republican presidential debate] (9 October 2007)

* I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.
** Criticizing Hillary Clinton's health-care plan as being &quot;eerily reminiscent&quot; of the plan she advocated as First Lady, 11 October 2007 [http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/washingtondc/la-na-campaign10-2008sep10,0,311675.story]

* I am prepared. I need no on-the-job training. I wasn't a mayor for a short period of time. I wasn't a governor for a short period of time.
** In Republican presidential debate, Orlando, Florida, 21 October 2007 [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/21/us/politics/21debate-transcript.html?pagewanted=3]

* Our recommitment to Afghanistan must include increasing NATO forces, suspending the debilitating restrictions on when and how those forces can fight, expanding the training and equipping of the Afghan National Army through a long-term partnership with NATO to make it more professional and multiethnic, and deploying significantly more foreign police trainers.
** In [http://www.foreignaffairs.org/20071101faessay86602/john-mccain/an-enduring-peace-built-on-freedom.html?mode=print Foreign Affairs Magazine] on the idea of sending NATO troops to Afghanistan instead of US forces, November 2007

* I just want to also say that [[Ron Paul|Congressman Paul]], I've heard him now in many debates talk about bringing our troops home, and about the war in Iraq and how it's failed. And I want to tell you that that kind of isolationism, sir, is what caused World War II. We allowed... We allowed -- we allowed Hitler to come to power with that kind of attitude of isolationism and appeasement.
** The CNN/YouTube Republican presidential debate [http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/28/debate.transcript/]

* The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should. I’ve got Greenspan’s book.... I've never been involved in Wall Street, I've never been involved in the financial stuff, the financial workings of the country, so I'd like to have somebody intimately familiar with it.
** Referring to a potential Vice President, 18 December 2007 [http://www.newsweek.com/id/103730/page/3][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/14/opinion/14krugman.html?_r=3&amp;hp&amp;oref=slogin&amp;oref=login&amp;oref=slogin]

====2008====
* I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a 'K', a 'G', and a 'B'.
** On [[Vladimir Putin]]

* There is no greater vocation than to serve. But there is no greater purpose than to love. Live a life that does both, and you’ll be truly happy.
** Letter of advice to British diplomat Tom Fletcher's son. [https://twitter.com/TFletcher/status/1033597850729570304]

* Maybe 100. As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me and I hope it would be fine with you if we maintain a presence in a very volatile part of the world where al-Qaeda is training, recruiting, equipping and motivating people every single day.
** When asked at a town hall meeting prior to the 2008 New Hampshire Primary about a Bush statement that U.S. troops could be in Iraq for  50 years. 3 January 2008 [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/14/mccain.king/index.html]

* I've got to give you some straight talk: Some of the jobs that have left the state of Michigan are not coming back. They are not. And I am sorry to tell you that.
** {{#formatdate:2008-01-09}}, [http://boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/14/same_state_different_message_for_michigans_economy/]

* I love him dearly. On issues of economics and … [[family]] [[values]], there's nobody that I know that's stronger.
** On campaign economic adviser Phil Gramm; 18 January 2008; [http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/011908dnpolgramm.2d19db0.html]

* It's a tough war we're in. It's not going to be over right away. There's going to be other wars. I'm sorry to tell you, there's going to be other wars. We will never surrender but there will be other wars. And right now - we're gonna have a lot of [[w:Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder|PTSD]] to treat, my friends. We're gonna have a lot of combat wounds that have to do with these terrible explosive IEDs that inflict such severe wounds. And my friends, it's gonna be tough, we're gonna have a lot to do.
** {{#formatdate:2008-01-27}} [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/27/mccain-warns-there-will_n_83459.html]

* I have a clear record, both publicly and privately, of saying [[Samuel Alito|Alito]] and [[John Roberts|Roberts]] are what we want on the Supreme Court.
** {{#formatdate:2008-02-02}} [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22981093/]

* Anybody who believes the surge has not succeeded, militarily, politically and in most other ways, frankly, does not know the facts on the ground.
** February 2008 [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/17/world/middleeast/17mccain.html?_r=1&amp;ref=world&amp;oref=slogin]

* As part of Social Security reform, I believe that private savings accounts are a part of it -- along the lines that [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] proposed.
** February 2008 [http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB120451614688707083.html]

* As you know, there are al-Qaeda operatives that are taken back into Iran, given training as leaders, and they're moving back into Iraq.
** The Hugh Hewitt Show. {{#formatdate:2008-03-17}}, [http://hughhewitt.townhall.com/talkradio/transcripts/Transcript.aspx?ContentGuid=ae522a49-6c82-4791-a76e-44ebb718bf32]

* It's common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq. That's well known. We continue to be concerned about the Iranians taking al-Qaeda into Iran and training them and sending them back.... I am sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda, not al-Qaeda, I am sorry.
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20080324115205/http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gtqD_x9yYIuq_7S2dimSjMV5qRmg During an official visit in Amman, Jordon, making a statement and then being corrected by Senator Joe Lieberman] (18 March 2008)

* Let me say that no one has supported President Bush on Iraq more than I have.
** In an interview on [[w:Mike Gallagher|Mike Gallagher]]'s conservative radio talk show, [[2 April]] [[2008]] [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/TheNote/Story?id=4760180&amp;page=2]

*We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]]. I was wrong. I was wrong. And eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona. I'd remind you we can all be a little late sometimes in doing the right thing, and Dr. King understood this about his fellow Americans
**[https://inkslwc.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/mccain-was-wrong-voting-against-martin-luther-king-holiday-how-other-congressional-members-voted/ Speech at National Civil Rights Museum] (4 April 2008), Memphis, Tennessee

* We're no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success.
** During General [[David Petraeus]]’ testimony before Congress on the military “surge” strategy in Iraq. 8 April 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24007825/]

* I think if you look at the overall record and millions of jobs have been created, et cetera, et cetera, you could make an argument that there's been great progress economically over that period of time. But that's no comfort. That's no comfort to families now that are facing these tremendous economic challenges. But let me just add, Peter, the fundamentals of America's economy are strong.
** [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2008/04/john_mccain_on_bloomberg_tv.html Interview with Peter Cook on Bloomberg TV] regarding economic progress during the Bush administration, 17 April 2008

* In all candor, if I'd been President of the United States, I'd have ordered the plane landed at the nearest Air Force base, and I'd have been over here, ok? 
** On how he would have acted when Katrina made landfall if he had been president, [http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-mccain25apr25,1,7654195.story LA Times], despite being in Arizona with Pres. Bush during Katrina's landfall [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24352103/]; 25 April 2008

* To state the obvious, I thought it was wrong at the time... those statements and comments did not comport with the facts on the ground. … But do I blame [the President] for that specific banner? I can't blame him for that.
** 1 May 2008; [http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/01/candidates-weigh-in-on-5th-anniversary-of-mission-accomplished-banner/ Fox News]

* I made it very clear, at that time, before and after, that we will not negotiate with terrorist organizations, that Hamas would have to abandon their terrorism, their advocacy to the extermination of the state of Israel, and be willing to negotiate in a way that recognizes the right of the state of Israel and abandons their terrorist position and advocacy.
** [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5itzEFe8o5QDV0EFCZG6ZJDbJwdLQD90MUVJO0 Speaking in Charleston, West Virginia] (14 May 2008)

* If I am elected President, I will work with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. I will listen to any idea that is offered in good faith and intended to help solve our problems, not make them worse. I will seek the counsel of members of Congress from both parties in forming government policy before I ask them to support it. I will ask Democrats to serve in my administration. My administration will set a new standard for transparency and accountability. I will hold weekly press conferences. I will regularly brief the American people on the progress our policies have made and the setbacks we have encountered. When we make errors, I will confess them readily, and explain what we intend to do to correct them. I will ask Congress to grant me the privilege of coming before both houses to take questions, and address criticism, much the same as the Prime Minister of Great Britain [[w:Prime Minister's Questions|appears regularly]] before the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]].
**{{cite news |title=Text of McCain's Speech on First-Term Goals |url=http://blog.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/05/15/text_of_mccains_vision_of_2013.html |work= |publisher= washingtonpost.com |date=[[2008-05-15]] |accessdate=2008-06-01}}

* We have drawn down to pre-surge levels.
**29 May 2008 (a time when troops were not yet at pre-surge levels); [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42ke9Q-qXg4 YouTube]; see below for attempted recovery the following day

* Let me just say again, We have drawn down. Three of the five brigades are home. The Marines, the additional Marines are home. By the end of July, they will have been back.
** Restating his position that U.S. troops in Iraq have been drawn down to pre-surge levels; 30 May 2008; see above for misquote he was defending [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3719710/]

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** Campaign ad, quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21

* And I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago…
** Trying to make a joke, 26 June 2008 [http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/jun/27/mccains-yucca-song-and-dance/]

* Maybe that’s a way of killing them.
** [http://www.miamiherald.com/692/story/598054.html Making a wisecrack] about the health impact of cigarette smoking on Iran's citizens, 8 July 2008

* '''L.A. Times''': You voted against coverage of birth control, [against] forcing health insurance companies to cover birth control in the past.  Is that, is that still your position?&lt;br&gt;'''John McCain''': I'll look at my voting record on it, but … I don‘t recall the vote.&lt;br&gt;'''L.A.Times''': [Your campaign advisor's] statement was that it was unfair that health insurance companies [are forced by the government to] cover Viagra but not birth control. Do you have an opinion on that?&lt;br&gt;'''John McCain''': I don‘t know enough about it … I hadn‘t thought about it much.
** On McCain campaign advisor and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina's presenting mandatory birth control coverage as McCain's own position: &quot;Many health insurance plans cover Viagra, but won‘t cover birth control medications. Those women would like a choice.&quot; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25639007/]

* '''Vietnam vet:''' We haven't heard why you voted against your colleagues' proposals to increase health care funding in 2004, '05, '06, and '07, when we had troops coming back from two wars.&lt;br&gt;'''Madow:''' Instead of the answer the questioner is looking for, McCain now '''takes credit for the GI bill''' and takes a political shot at Jim Webb.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' On the issue of the GI bill, I was disappointed that Senator Webb didn't support making it permanent. Senator Graham, other veterans and I will be looking to extend that to all veterans, not just 2001. I hope you'll urge Senator Webb to agree with that.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' I received every award from every major veterans' organization in America. The reason is I have a perfect voting record from organizations like Veterans of Foreign Wars, the American Legion, and all the other veterans service organizations because of my support of them.&lt;br&gt;'''Vietnam vet:''' You do ''not'' have a perfect voting record by the DIV and the VFW. That's where these votes [of yours against increasing vet health care] are recorded. The votes were proposals by your colleagues in the Senate to increase health care funding of the VA in 2003, '04, '05, and '06 for troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, and you voted against those proposals. I can give you specific Senate votes, the numbers of those Senate votes right now.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' I thank you, and I'll examine your version of what my voting record is, but again, I've been endorsed in every election by all of the veterans' organizations that do that. I've been supported by them, and I've received their highest rewards, from all of those organizations, so I guess they don't know something you know.&lt;br&gt;'''Rieckoff:''' [McCain's] voting record is not very strong.  The Disabled American Veterans gave him a 20% rating out of 100. Our organization, the IAVA, gave him a D rating in the last voting session. He does ''not'' have a perfect voting record from the VFW. He's consistently voted against increased funding of the VA, and he's been a major opponent of the new GI bill.
** Paul Rieckhoff of Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Veterans for America and author of ''Chasing Ghosts'', on ''Countdown'', discussing a town hall exchange between McCain and another Vietnam vet; 9 July 2008; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnyEMLXvgV8]
** IAVA ratings: McCain: D; Obama: B+ [http://www.iava.org/full-ratings-list]; DAV: McCain: 20%; Obama: 80%; the AL and VFW don't perform such voting record ratings [http://www.factcheck.org/askfactcheck/does_mccain_have_a_perfect_voting_record.html] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnyEMLXvgV8]

* I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia.
** In remarks to the press in Phoenix, 14 July 2008; [http://thepage.time.com/transcript-of-mccains-remarks-to-the-press-in-phoenix/] [http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/16196.html]

* The first telephones cost a thousand dollars and they were about that big! We all remember that!
** As quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mayhill-fowler/john-mccains-fake-town-ha_b_113041.html Albaquerque Town Hall Meeting] (15 July 2008)

* '''Diane Sawyer:''' Do you agree the situation in Afghanistan is precarious and urgent?&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' Well, I think it‘s very serious. I think it‘s a serious situation.&lt;br&gt;'''Sawyer:''' Not precarious and urgent?&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' Oh, I don‘t know exactly—run through the vocabulary. But it‘s a very serious situation. But there‘s a lot of things we need to do. We have a lot of work to do and I‘m afraid that it‘s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the ''Iraq/Pakistan border''.
** Good Morning America interview, after recent news that escalating insurgency and violent incidents had left around 2,500 people dead (over 700 of them civilians) since January of the same year in Afghanistan; 21 July 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25799429/]

* There is nothing that's off the table. I have my positions and I'll articulate them. But nothing's off the table.
** In response to a question regarding the possibility of payroll tax increases under a McCain presidency, 27 July 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25932581/]

* I will not raise your taxes, nor support a tax increase.
** As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25950313/Town hall meeting] (30 July 2008)

* At the moment of conception.
** Question: &quot;At what point is a baby entitled to human rights?&quot;
** Saddleback Civil Forum with Pastor Rich Warren, 18 August 2008 [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/16/se.02.html]

* I think — I’ll have my staff get to you. It’s condominiums where — I’ll have them get to you.
** When asked [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0808/12685.html in an interview] how many houses he and Mrs. McCain owned, 20 August 2008

* Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.
** In an article in [[w:Contingencies|''Contingencies'']] magazine, September/October, 2008 [http://www.contingencies.org/septoct08/mccain.pdf]

* You know that there’s been tremendous turmoil in our financial markets and Wall Street. And it is – it’s – people are frightened by these events. Our economy, I think, still, the fundamentals are – of our economy are strong, but these are very, very difficult times. And I promise you, we will never put America in this position again. We will clean up Wall Street. We will reform government.
** Speaking at Jacksonville, Florida the day after the collapse of [[w:Lehman Brothers|Lehman Brothers]] and the sell-off of [[w:Merrill Lynch|Merrill Lynch]], 15 September 2007 [http://news.mywebpal.com/partners/680/public/news925950.html][http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/dc/2008/09/economic-fundamentals-strong.html]

* I don't know if you could ever say, quote &quot;mission accomplished,&quot; as much as you could say &quot;Americans are out of harm's way.&quot;
** On [[George W. Bush]]'s address aboard a ship with a banner reading &quot;mission accomplished&quot; behind him, at a town hall meeting in Des Moines, Iowa.[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24418639/] (1 May 2008)

* I believe that Carly Fiorina is a role model to millions of young American women. She started out as a part-time secretary and she ended up a CEO of one of the major corporations in America. I’m proud of her record and so I want everybody to know that Carly Fiorina is a person that I admire and respect.
** On campaign economic advisor [[Carly Fiorina]], 23 September 2008 [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/09/23/mccain_fiorina_a_role_model.html]

*Bomb, bomb! Bomb, Iran!
**As quoted in [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/the_big_picture/2008/10/maybe-john-mcca.html &quot;Maybe John McCain will bring back 'Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran'&quot;] (9 October 2008),''The Los Angeles Times''.

* Tomorrow morning, I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington. I have spoken to Senator Obama and informed him of my decision and have asked him to join me. We must meet as Americans, not as Democrats or Republicans, and we must meet until this crisis is resolved. I am directing my campaign to work with the Obama campaign and the Commission on Presidential Debates to delay Friday night's debate until we have taken action to address this crisis.
** Speaking to reporters in New York, regarding the need to pass legislation concerning the economic crisis, 24 September 2008 [http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-na-campaign25-2008sep25,0,766973.story]

* America is the greatest force for good in the history of the world.
** [http://www.nationalinterest.org/Article.aspx?id=19990 Second Presidential Debate] (8 October 2008)

* And we want a fight, and I will fight, but we will be respectful. I admire Senator Obama and his accomplishments, I will respect him and I want— ''[crowd boos]'' No, no, I want everyone to be respectful, and let's make sure we are, because that's the way politics should be conducted in America.
* '''Q:''' My wife and I are expecting our first child, in April 2nd, next year. And frankly, we're scared. We're scared of an Obama presidency...&lt;br /&gt;'''John McCain:''' First of all, I want to be President of the United States and obviously, I don't want Senator Obama to be. But, I have to tell you, he is a decent person, and a person that you do not have to be scared as President of the United States. Now, I just— ''[crowd boos]'' Now look, if I didn't think I would be one heck of a lot better president I wouldn't be runnin', okay, and that's the point.
* '''Q:''' I can't trust Obama. I have read about him and he's not, he's not, he's a, uh— he's an Arab. He's not— ''[McCain shakes head]'' No?&lt;br /&gt;'''John McCain:''' No, ma'am. No, ma'am. He's a decent, family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about. He's not. Thank you.
** Town Hall meeting in Lakeville, Minnesota, {{#formatdate:2008-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2008-10-10
 | title = McCain Tries to Tame Flames He Earlier Fanned
 | publisher = YouTube
 | url = http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=Kf6YKOkfFsE
}}

* You may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more.
** [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/10/21/agreeing_to_disagree_or_someth.html Said in a speech] near Kansas City, Missouri, 20 October 2008.[http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/22/us/politics/22pennsylvania.html?hp]

=====Concession speech (2008)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hmJfimrZW3jBur_BmaFtqj7mfFgQD948JFJG5 Concession speech (4 November 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Senator [[Barack Obama|Obama]] and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain. &lt;br&gt; These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face. &lt;br&gt; I urge all Americans … I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited. Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.
* I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here.

===== {{w|2008 Republican National Convention}} (2008) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/04/mccain.transcript/ Transcript] by ''{{w|CNN}}&lt;/small&gt;
* A word to Sen. Obama and his supporters. We'll go at it -- we'll go at it over the next two months -- you know that's the nature of this business -- and there are big differences between us. But you have my respect and my admiration. Despite our differences, much more unites us than divides us. We are fellow Americans, and that's an association that means more to me than any other. We're dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal and endowed by our creator with inalienable rights. No country -- no country ever had a greater cause than that. And I wouldn't be an American worthy of the name if I didn't honor Sen. Obama and his supporters for their achievement.
* All you've ever asked of your government is to stand on your side and not in your way. And that's what I intend to do: stand on your side and fight for your future.
* I've found just the right partner to help me shake up Washington, Gov. [[Sarah Palin]] of the great state of Alaska. ... She has an executive experience and a real record of accomplishment. She's tackled tough problems, like energy independence and corruption. She's balanced a budget, cut taxes, and she's taken on the special interests. She's reached across the aisle and asked Republicans, Democrats, and independents to serve in her administration. She's the wonderful mother of five children. She's -- she's helped run a small business. She's worked with her hands and knows -- and knows what it's like to worry about mortgage payments, and health care, and the cost of gasoline and groceries. She knows where she comes from, and she knows who she works for. She stands up for what's right, and she doesn't let anyone tell her to sit down.
* Change is coming.
* I don't work for myself. I work for you. I've fought corruption, and it didn't matter if the culprits were Democrats or Republicans. They violated their public trust, and they had to be held accountable.
* I've fought for the right strategy and more troops in Iraq when it wasn't the popular thing to do.
* I don't mind a good fight. For reasons known only to God, I've had quite a few tough ones in my life. But I learned an important lesson along the way: In the end, it matters less that you can fight. What you fight for is the real test.
* I fight for the family of Matthew Stanley of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. Matthew died serving our country in Iraq. I wear his bracelet and think of him every day. I intend to honor their sacrifice by making sure the country their son loved so well and never returned to remains safe from its enemies.
* We lost -- we lost the trust of the American people when some Republicans gave in to the temptations of corruption. We lost their trust when rather than reform government, both parties made it bigger. We lost their trust when instead of freeing ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties -- and Sen. Obama -- passed another corporate welfare bill for oil companies. We lost their trust when we valued our power over our principles. We're going to change that.
* In this country, we believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the opportunity to reach their God-given potential, from the boy whose descendents arrived on the Mayflower to the Latina daughter of migrant workers. We're all God's children, and we're all Americans. We believe -- we believe in low taxes, spending discipline, and open markets. We believe in rewarding hard work and risk-takers and letting people keep the fruits of their labor.
* Some may choose a better public school. Some may choose a private one. Many will choose a charter school. But they will have the choice, and their children will have that opportunity. Sen. Obama wants our schools to answer to unions and entrenched bureaucrats. I want schools to answer to parents and students.
* Sen. Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling and without more nuclear power. But Americans know better than that. We must use all resources and develop all technologies necessary to rescue our economy from the damage caused by rising oil prices and restore the health of our planet.
* We have dealt a serious blow to Al Qaeda in recent years, but they're not defeated, and they'll strike us again, if they can. Iran remains the chief state sponsor of terrorism and is on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons.
* Russia's leaders, rich with oil wealth and corrupt with power, have rejected democratic ideals and the obligations of a responsible power. They invaded a small, democratic neighbor to gain more control over the world's oil supply, intimidate other neighbors, and further their ambitions of re-assembling the Russian empire.
* We face many dangerous threats in this dangerous world, but I'm not afraid of them. I'm prepared for them.
* I know how to secure the peace.
* I hate war. It's terrible beyond imagination.
* In America, we change things that need to be changed. Each generation makes its contribution to our greatness. The work that is ours to do is plainly before us; we don't need to search for it.
* The -- the constant partisan rancor that stops us from solving these problems isn't a cause. It's a symptom. It's what happens when people go to Washington to work for themselves and not for you.
* I've never lived a day, in good times or bad, that I didn't thank God for the privilege.
* I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else's. I loved it not just for the many comforts of life here. I loved it for its decency, for its faith in the wisdom, justice, and goodness of its people. I loved it because it was not just a place, but an idea, a cause worth fighting for. I was never the same again; I wasn't my own man anymore; I was my country's.
* Our country will be the better, and you will be the happier, because nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself.

====2009====
* Late evening with [[w:Muammar Quadafi|Col. Qadhafi]] at his &quot;ranch&quot; in Libya - interesting meeting with an interesting man.
** As quoted in [https://twitter.com/#!/senjohnmccain/status/3331878099 ''Twitter'']
===== Why we can -- and must -- win the war in Afghanistan =====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|CNN}}'' [http://www.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/10/28/mccain.afghan.war/index.html op-ed] (28 October 2009)&lt;/small&gt;
* For the first time since September 11, 2001, America is having a vigorous national debate about how to succeed in Afghanistan. This debate is entirely worth having. Whenever America sends its citizens into harm's way, it must do so with eyes wide open. Though no veteran would ever think of himself as &quot;pro-war,&quot; I believe that the fight in Afghanistan is critical to our national security. Our goals there are achievable and success is worth the continued sacrifice. '''We must succeed in Afghanistan for many reasons, but one stands above all: the world walked away from Afghanistan once, and it descended into a cauldron of violence, hatred and human rights atrocities that served as the base for the worst terrorist attack in history against our homeland.'''
* We cannot let that happen again, and we cannot let the Taliban and its al Qaeda allies conquer Afghanistan once more. Failure of this kind would also destabilize the entire strategically vital region, including nuclear-armed Pakistan. We know what it takes to succeed in Afghanistan: a resolute commitment to the principles of counterinsurgency, which turned Iraq around during the surge. I am confident that properly resourced counterinsurgency policy, adapted to the unique culture and geography of Afghanistan, can lead to success there. Our entire military chain of command supports this approach, as do our NATO allies, which they made clear at their recent defense ministerial meeting in Bratislava.
* I supported President Obama when he called for a counterinsurgency plan in March, and I did so again when he deployed Gen. Stanley McChrystal to lead the command in Kabul. I agree with our commander's assessment of the security situation as &quot;deteriorating&quot; and that our civilian and military leaders urgently need more resources, including more combat troops, to turn the tide toward success. I sympathize with our president, because sending men and women into harm's way is the most difficult decision that a commander-in-chief must make. However, Americans are already serving in harm's way in Afghanistan, and the sooner we can provide the reinforcements and resources they need, the safer and more successful they will be. So I am urging President Obama to move as quickly as possible to fully support Gen. McChrystal's request for more troops.
*It is true that the Afghan government is not as strong or credible as we would like, but that should not deter us from committing more civilian and military resources now. Local governments in counterinsurgency environments are usually weak and fledgling. There is an insurgency in the first place because it seeks to exploit the local population's dissatisfaction with its government. As long as Afghanistan is insecure, it is unreasonable to assume that governance will improve. That is why protecting the population must be job one right now, and in the immediate term, much of that work must be done by U.S. and NATO troops. As security improves, however, we will be able to train capable, battle-tested Afghan security forces that can defend their country. We can break the insurgency's momentum, enabling Afghans to reconcile with former fighters who are willing to lay down their arms. And we can create an environment of safety in which it is more realistic to expect Afghan leaders to meet the high standards of their fellow citizens and their international partners -- namely, the provision of justice and opportunity, the protection of human rights and a crackdown on corruption.
*Ultimately, Afghans will judge the legitimacy of their government not only by the result of one round of voting, but by its performance in delivering basic services. Success in Afghanistan will emerge, as it did in Iraq, when local leaders and citizens are more and more able to take responsibility for governing and securing their own sovereign country without substantial international assistance. This won't be perfect or easy, but it will allow America's fighting men and women to leave Afghanistan with honor, and it will enable Afghans to build a better, more peaceful future. That is our goal, and we must stay in the fight until it is won.

=== 2010s ===
* The U.S. does not involve itself in what is happening in the world's largest democracy, nor does it intend to do so.
** Describing [[India]]'s democracy as &quot;strong and successful&quot;, and brushed off the allegation of Congress spokesperson Rashid Alvi, who objected if the U.S. is involved in India's protests.

====2011====
* [[Osama bin Laden]]’s welcome death has ignited debate over whether the so-called enhanced interrogation techniques used on enemy prisoners were instrumental in locating bin Laden, and whether they are a justifiable means for gathering intelligence. &lt;br&gt; Much of this debate is a definitional one: whether any or all of these methods constitute torture. I believe some of them do, especially waterboarding, which is a mock execution and thus an exquisite form of torture. As such, they are prohibited by American laws and values, and I oppose them. … Mistreatment of enemy prisoners endangers our own troops, who might someday be held captive. While some enemies, and al-Qaeda surely, will never be bound by the principle of reciprocity, we should have concern for those Americans captured by more conventional enemies, if not in this war then in the next.
** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bin-ladens-death-and-the-debate-over-torture/2011/05/11/AFd1mdsG_story.html &quot;Bin Laden’s death and the debate over torture&quot; in ''The Washington Post'' (11 May 2011)]

* '''Though it took a decade to find bin Laden, there is one consolation for his long evasion of justice: He lived long enough to witness what some are calling the [[2010–2011 Middle East and North Africa protests|Arab Spring]], the complete repudiation of his violent ideology.''' &lt;br&gt; As we debate how the United States can best influence the course of the Arab Spring, can’t we all agree that the most obvious thing we can do is stand as an example of a nation that holds an individual’s human rights as superior to the will of the majority or the wishes of government? Individuals might forfeit their life as punishment for breaking laws, but even then, as recognized in our Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, they are still entitled to respect for their basic human dignity, even if they have denied that respect to others.
** &quot;Bin Laden’s death and the debate over torture&quot; in ''The Washington Post'' (11 May 2011)

* '''This is a moral debate. It is about who we are.''' I don’t mourn the loss of any terrorist’s life. What I do mourn is what we lose when by official policy or official neglect we confuse or encourage those who fight this war for us to forget that best sense of ourselves. Through the violence, chaos and heartache of war, through deprivation and cruelty and loss, we are always Americans, and different, stronger and better than those who would destroy us.
** As quoted in &quot;Bin Laden's death and the debate over torture&quot; (11 May 2011), ''The Washington Post''

* '''We did not learn [[w:Abu Ahmed al-Kuwaiti|Abu Ahmed]]’s real name or alias as a result of waterboarding or any &quot;enhanced interrogation technique&quot; used on a detainee in U.S. custody.''' None of the three detainees who were waterboarded provided Abu Ahmed’s real name, his whereabouts, or an accurate description of his role in Al-Qaeda. … In fact, not only did the use of &quot;enhanced interrogation techniques&quot; on [[w:Khalid Sheikh Mohammed|Khalid Sheikh Mohammed]] not provide us with key leads on bin Laden’s courier, Abu Ahmed; it actually produced false and misleading information. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed specifically told his interrogators that Abu Ahmed had moved to Peshawar, got married, and ceased his role as an Al-Qaeda facilitator — which was not true, as we now know. … '''It was not torture or cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment of detainees that got us the major leads that ultimately enabled our intelligence community to find [[Osama bin Laden]].''' … we are again engaged in this important debate, with much at stake for America’s security and reputation. '''Each side should make its own case, but do so without making up its own facts.'''
** On claims of waterboarding as being impedimental in as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/post/john-mccain-to-bush-apologists-stop-lying-about-bin-laden-and-torture/2011/03/03/AF10AnzG_blog.html &quot;John McCain to Bush apologists: Stop lying about Bin Laden and torture&quot; by Greg Sar in ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2011)] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I94Yb4KUic YouTube video of McCaine's speech]

* I can only express satisfaction that the Dear Leader is joining the likes of [[Gaddafi]], [[Osama bin Laden|bin Laden]], [[Hitler]], and [[Stalin]] '''in a warm corner of hell.'''
** [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075987/Kim-Jong-Il-dead-North-Korea-dictator-gone-join-Gaddafi-Bin-Laden-Hitler.html#ixzz2K6XX84Tov ''Daily Mail''] (19 December 2011), on the death of [[Kim Jong-il]].

====2012====
* You know, it's interesting for the president to say something that juvenile. I'm not picking on anyone. Again, as we just said, four Americans died! Is that picking on anybody when you want to place responsibility and find out what happened so that we can make sure it doesn't happen again?
** [http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/on-the-record/2012/11/15/mccain-obama-were-not-picking-anybody-we-want-answers-and-buck-stops-your-desk-mr-preside ''On the Record w/Greta van Susteren''], Fox News, {{#formatdate:2012-11-14}}
** regarding McCain's opposition to the potential nomination of ambassador Susan Rice to Secretary of State over her statements about the [[w:2012 Benghazi attack|2012 Benghazi attack]], and President Obama saying in a {{#formatdate:2012-11-14}} press conference, &quot;If Senator McCain and Senator Graham and others want to go after someone, they should go after me. And I'm happy to have that discussion with them. But for them to go after the United Nations ambassador, who had nothing to do with Benghazi and was simply making a presentation based on intel she had received, and to besmirch her reputation, is outrageous.&quot;

====2013====
* [[Barack Obama|The president]], comparing [[Vladimir Putin|him]] to a kid in the back of a classroom, I think, is very indicative of the president’s lack of appreciation of who [[Vladimir Putin]] is. He’s an old KGB colonel that has no illusions about our relationship, does not care about a relationship with the United States, continues to oppress his people, continues to act in an autocratic fashion.
** As quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2013/08/11/mccain-obamas-slouch-comment-dismissive-of-putin/ &quot;McCain: Obama's 'slouch' comment dismissive of Putin&quot;], (11 August 2013), ''The Washington Post''

* Why should you shake hands with somebody who's keeping Americans in prison? I mean, what's the point? [[Neville Chamberlain]] shook hands with [[Hitler]].
** Regarding U.S. President Barack Obama shaking the hand of Cuban President Raul Castro at a memorial for Nelson Mandela
** {{citation
 | date = 2013-12-10
 | title = The Takeaway
 | medium = Radio
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2013-12-10
 | title = McCain On Obama-Castro Handshake: 'Chamberlain Shook Hands With Hitler' (Audio)
 | author = Tom Kludt
 | journal = Talking Points Memo
 | url = http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/mccain-on-obama-castro-handshake-chamberlain-shook-hands-with-hitler-audio
}}

====2014====
*The tide of war does not recede just because we wish it to.
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHcr2baBftE&amp;t=185s Remarks to AJC Global Forum] (12 May 2014)

====2015====
*While I suppose this means I’ll spend this Easter in Sedona rather than Siberia, I couldn’t be more proud of being sanctioned by Vladimir Putin for standing up for freedom and human rights for the Russian people and against Putin’s deadly aggression in Ukraine. I will never stop my efforts to support democracy, free speech, and the rule of law in Russia,
**[http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/john-mccain-russia-ban-116220.html#ixzz3bkitHxmA Remarks after being banned from entering Russia] (3 March 2015)

====2016====
*I don't give a damn what the President of the United States wants to do or what anybody else wants to do. We will not waterboard; we will not torture... We will not torture people... It doesn't work, my friends. It doesn't work. If you inflict enough pain on somebody long enough, they're going to tell you whatever they think you want to hear to have it stopped... There are accomplished interrogators who can gain the confidence of the suspect and gain all the information that they could possibly want... My God, what does it say about America if we're going to inflict torture on people? It makes it hard for us to make the argument about the moral superiority of our way of our government and our way of life.
**Regarding U.S. president-elect Donald J. Trump's intention to reintroduce the usage of torture by U.S. authorities, as quoted in [https://www.facebook.com/Channel4News/videos/10154266695396939/ &quot;John McCain attacks Donald Trump's torture stance&quot;] (21 November 2016), ''Channel 4 News''
===== Statement regarding the Khan family (1 August 2016) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Statement regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan, the parents of U.S. Army captain Humayun [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]], who was killed in Iraq in 2004 ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}})&lt;/small&gt;
* I wear a bracelet bearing the name of a fallen hero, Matthew Stanley, which his mother, Lynn, gave me in 2007, at a town hall meeting in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. His memory and the memory of our great leaders deserve better from me.

* Make no mistake: I do not valorize our military out of some unfamiliar instinct. I grew up in a military family, and have my own record of service, and have stayed closely engaged with our armed forces throughout my public career. In the American system, the military has value only inasmuch as it protects and defends the liberties of the people.

* My father was a career naval officer, as was his father. For hundreds of years, every generation of McCains has served the United States in uniform. My sons serve today, and I'm [[proud]] of them. My youngest served in the war that claimed Captain [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]]'s life as well as in [[Afghanistan]]. I want them to be proud of me. I want to do the right thing by them and their comrades.

* Humayun Khan did exactly that — and he did it for all the right reasons. This accomplished young man was not driven to service as a United States Army officer because he was compelled to by any material need. He was inspired as a young man by his reading of Thomas Jefferson — and he wanted to give back to the country that had taken him and his parents in as immigrants when he was only two years old.

* Scripture tells us that 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.' Captain Humayun Khan of the United States Army showed in his final moments that he was filled and motivated by this love. His name will live forever in American memory, as an example of true American greatness.

* In the end, I am morally bound to speak only to the things that command my allegiance, and to which I have dedicated my life's work: the Republican Party, and more importantly, the United States of America. I will not refrain from doing my utmost by those lights simply because it may benefit others with whom I disagree. I claim no moral superiority over [[Donald Trump]]. I have a long and well-known public and private record for which I will have to answer at the Final Judgment, and I repose my hope in the promise of mercy and the moderation of age. I challenge the nominee to set the example for what our country can and should represent.

* While our Party has bestowed upon him the nomination, it is not accompanied by unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us.

* I'd like to say to [[Khizr M. Khan|Mr.]] and Mrs. Khan: thank you for immigrating to America. We're a better country because of you. And you are certainly right; your son was the best of America, and the memory of his sacrifice will make us a better nation -- and he will never be forgotten.

====2017====
[[File:Senator John McCain at a rally.jpg|thumb|right|We [[need]] a [[free press]]. We must have it. It's vital. If you want to preserve [...] [[democracy]] as we know it, you have to have a free and many times adversarial press. And without it, [...] we would lose so much of our individual [[liberties]] over time.]]

*Our government has a responsibility to defend our borders, but we must do so in a way that makes us safer and upholds all that is decent and exceptional about our nation.&lt;P&gt;It is clear from the confusion at our airports across the nation that President Trump's executive order was not properly vetted. We are particularly concerned by reports that this order went into effect with little to no consultation with the Departments of State, Defense, Justice, and Homeland Security.&lt;P&gt;Such a hasty process risks harmful results. We should not stop green-card holders from returning to the country they call home. We should not stop those who have served as interpreters for our military and diplomats from seeking refuge in the country they risked their lives to help. And we should not turn our backs on those refugees who have been shown through extensive vetting to pose no demonstrable threat to our nation, and who have suffered unspeakable horrors, most of them women and children.&lt;P&gt;Ultimately, we fear this executive order will become a self-inflicted wound in the fight against terrorism. At this very moment, American troops are fighting side-by-side with our Iraqi partners to defeat ISIL. But this executive order bans Iraqi pilots from coming to military bases in Arizona to fight our common enemies. Our most important allies in the fight against ISIL are the vast majority of Muslims who reject its apocalyptic ideology of hatred. This executive order sends a signal, intended or not, that America does not want Muslims coming into our country. That is why we fear this executive order may do more to help terrorist recruitment than improve our security.
**[http://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2017/1/statement-by-senators-mccain-graham-on-executive-order-on-immigration Statement by Senators McCain &amp; Graham on Executive Order on Immigration (January 27, 2017) from the Office of Senator John McCain] regarding [Donald J. Trump]'s [[w:Executive Order 13769|Executive Order 13769 entitled &quot;Protecting the Nation from Foreign Terrorist Entry into the United States&quot;]], as quoted by [http://reason.com/blog/2017/01/31/here-is-what-republican-critics-of-trump Jacob Sallum from ''Reason'' magazine in ''Here Is What Republican Critics of Trump's Immigration Order Are Saying'' on January 31, 2017]

*Putin's Russia is our adversary and moral opposite. It is committed to the destruction of the post-war, rule-based, world order built on American leadership and the primacy of our political and economic values…There is no placating Putin. There is no transforming him from a gangster to a responsible statesman. Previous administrations have tried and failed not because they didn’t try hard enough, but because Putin wants no part of it... Oppose Russian aggression against the world we have built from the ruined cities and destroyed empires of World War II. Don’t surrender the gains for our security and the progress for humanity that our Cold War victory achieved. Support the Russian people and their rights to liberty and justice, not the corrupt leaders who betray them... [A]ll who risk their lives to free Russia from tyranny and corruption are our allies. They are our moral equals. And the president of the United States, the nation that has been the greatest force for good in human history, should be the first among us to recognize that.
**[http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2017/02/13/trump-gets-it-wrong-on-putin-russia-moral-equals-john-mccain-column/97822770/ &quot;Russia dissidents are our moral equals&quot;] (13 February 2017), ''USA Today''

*I know there is profound concern across Europe and the world that America is laying down the mantle of global leadership. I can only speak for myself, but I do not believe that that is the message you will hear from all of the American leaders who cared enough to travel here to Munich this weekend. That's not the message you heard today from Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis. That is not the message you will hear from Vice President Mike Pence. That's not the message you will hear from Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly. And that is certainly not the message you will hear tomorrow from our bipartisan congressional delegation. I refuse to accept that our values are morally equivalent to those of our adversaries. I am a proud, unapologetic believer in the West, and I believe we must always, always stand up for it. For if we do not, who will?
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/02/17/john-mccain-just-systematically-dismantled-donald-trumps-entire-worldview/?postshare=6141487371896434&amp;tid=ss_tw&amp;utm_term=.e02d0323a302 Speech at the Munich Security Conference in Germany] (February 2017)

*I hate the press; I hate you especially. But the fact is we need you. '''We need a free press. We must have it. It's vital. If''' you want to preserve - I'm very serious now - if '''you want to preserve democracy as we know it, you have to have a free and many times adversarial press. And without it, I am afraid that we would lose so much of our individual liberties over time. That's how dictators get started. They get started by suppressing free press. In other words, a consolidation of power. When you look at history, the first thing that dictators do is shut down the press... [W]e need to learn the lessons of history.'''
**As quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-mccain-idUSKBN15Y07R &quot;McCain says suppressing free press is 'how dictators get started'&quot;] (19 February 2017), ''Reuters''

*We live in a land made of ideals, not blood and soil. We are the custodians of those ideals at home, and their champion abroad. We have done great good in the world. That leadership has had its costs, but we have become incomparably powerful and wealthy as we did. We have a moral obligation to continue in our just cause, and we would bring more than shame on ourselves if we don't. We will not thrive in a world where our leadership and ideals are absent. We wouldn't deserve to.
**[http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/16/politics/john-mccain-joe-biden-liberty-medal/index.html Speech at the National Constitution Center in Pennsylvania] (October 2017)

*One aspect of the [Vietnam] conflict by the way that I will never ever countenance is that we drafted the lowest income level of America and the highest income level found a doctor that would say that they had a bone spur. That is wrong. That is wrong. If we are going to ask every American to serve, every American should serve.
**On C-SPAN3, American History TV, quoted in [https://www.azcentral.com/story/opinion/op-ed/ej-montini/2017/10/22/john-mccain-mocks-donald-trumps-deferment-bone-spurs-without-naming-him/789051001/ ''The Republic''] (October 2017)

* The Russia stuff, the lies, the bullying, the ignorance, the bullshit. Look, I know I'm not going to be here much longer. But I'd like to think that even if that weren't the case, I would have enough self-respect not to kiss his ass like this.
** On Trump, as quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/john-mccain-trump-respect-sucking-up-thank-you-your-servitude-2022-7 ''John McCain, dying of cancer, expressed hope that he would have 'enough self-respect not to kiss' Trump's 'ass' like some of his GOP colleagues: book''] (December 2017)
===== ''It’s time Congress returns to regular order'' =====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|Washington Post}}'' [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/john-mccain-its-time-congress-returns-to-regular-order/2017/08/31/f62a3e0c-8cfb-11e7-8df5-c2e5cf46c1e2_story.html op-ed] (31 August 2017)&lt;/small&gt;
*Americans recoiled from the repugnant spectacle of white supremacists marching in Charlottesville to promote their un-American “blood and soil” ideology. There is nothing in their hate-driven racism that can match the strength of a nation conceived in liberty and comprising 323 million souls of different origins and opinions who are equal under the law.
*Most of us share Heather Heyer’s values, not the depravity of the man who took her life. We are the country that led the free world to victory over fascism and dispatched communism to the ash heap of history. We are the superpower that organized not an empire, but an international order of free, independent nations that has liberated more people from poverty and tyranny than anyone thought possible in the age of colonies and autocracies. Our shared values define us more than our differences. And acknowledging those shared values can see us through our challenges today if we have the wisdom to trust in them again.
*Congress will return from recess next week facing continued gridlock as we lurch from one self-created crisis to another. We are proving inadequate not only to our most difficult problems but also to routine duties. Our national political campaigns never stop. We seem convinced that majorities exist to impose their will with few concessions and that minorities exist to prevent the party in power from doing anything important. That’s not how we were meant to govern. Our entire system of government — with its checks and balances, its bicameral Congress, its protections of the rights of the minority — was designed for compromise. It seldom works smoothly or speedily. It was never expected to.
* It requires pragmatic problem-solving from even the most passionate partisans. It relies on compromise between opposing sides to protect the interests we share. We can fight like hell for our ideas to prevail. But we have to respect each other or at least respect the fact that we need each other. That has never been truer than today, when Congress must govern with a president who has no experience of public office, is often poorly informed and can be impulsive in his speech and conduct. We must respect his authority and constitutional responsibilities. We must, where we can, cooperate with him. But we are not his subordinates. We don’t answer to him. We answer to the American people. We must be diligent in discharging our responsibility to serve as a check on his power. And we should value our identity as members of Congress more than our partisan affiliation.
* I argued during the health-care debate for a return to regular order, letting committees of jurisdiction do the principal work of crafting legislation and letting the full Senate debate and amend their efforts. We won’t settle all our differences that way, but such an approach is more likely to make progress on the central problems confronting our constituents. We might not like the compromises regular order requires, but we can and must live with them if we are to find real and lasting solutions. And all of us in Congress have the duty, in this sharply polarized atmosphere, to defend the necessity of compromise before the American public.
* Let’s try that approach on a budget that realistically meets the nation’s critical needs. We all know spending levels for defense and other urgent priorities have been woefully inadequate for years. But we haven’t found the will to work together to adjust them. The appropriators can’t complete their spending bills, and we’re stuck with threats of a government shutdown and continuing resolutions that underfund national security. A compromise that raises spending caps for both sides’ priorities is better than the abject failure that has been our achievement to date.
* Let’s also try that approach on immigration. The president has promised greater border security. We can agree to that. A literal wall might not be the most effective means to that end, but we can provide the resources necessary to secure the border with smart and affordable measures. Let’s make it part of a comprehensive bill that members of both parties can get behind — one that values our security as well as the humanity of immigrants and their contributions to our economy and culture.
* Let’s try it on tax reform and infrastructure improvement and all the other urgent priorities confronting us. These are all opportunities to show that ordinary, decent, free people can govern competently, respectfully and humbly, and to prove the value of the United States Congress to the great nation we serve.

====2018====
[[File:President Trump &amp; the First Lady's Trip to Europe (42547210635).jpg|thumb|No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a [[tyrant]]. Not only did [[President Trump]] fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad.]]

*'''[[Respect]] for the [[God]]-given [[dignity]] of every [[human]] being, no matter their race, ethnicity or other circumstances of their birth, is the [[essence]] of American [[patriotism]]. To believe otherwise is to [[oppose]] the very [[idea]] of America.'''
**[https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/951892337692684291 Twitter post] (12 January 2018)

*People have come to this country from everywhere, and people from everywhere have made America great. Our immigration policy should reflect that truth, and our elected officials, including our President, should respect it.
**[https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/951892536116817921 Twitter post] (12 January 2018)

*'''[A]n American president does not lead the Free World by congratulating dictators on winning sham elections.'''
**As quoted in [http://www.weeklystandard.com/sasse-slams-white-houses-handling-of-putins-phony-sham-re-election/article/2012024#.WrLij2F635I.twitter &quot;Sasse Slams White House's Handling of 'Putin's Phony, Sham Re-Election'&quot;] (21 March 2018), by Jenna Lifhits, ''The Weekly Standard''

* '''[[2018 Russia–United States summit|Today’s press conference in Helsinki]] was one of the most disgraceful performances by an [[American president]] in memory.''' The damage inflicted by [[President Trump]]’s [[naiveté]], [[egotism]], [[false]] [[equivalence]], and [[sympathy]] for [[autocrats]] is difficult to calculate. … '''President Trump proved not only unable, but unwilling to stand up to [[Putin]].''' He and Putin seemed to be speaking from the same script as the president made a conscious [[choice]] to defend a [[tyrant]] against the fair questions of a [[free press]], and to grant Putin an uncontested platform to spew [[propaganda]] and [[lies]] to the [[world]]. … '''No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant.''' Not only did President Trump fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad. American presidents must be the champions of that cause if it is to [[succeed]]. Americans are [[waiting]] and hoping for President Trump to embrace that [[sacred]] [[responsibility]]. One can only [[hope]] they are not waiting totally in vain.
** Official statement: [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?p=press-releases&amp;id=A99FDA26-673D-4560-B4EA-5AEDF0685EC5 &quot;SASC Chairman John Mccain on Trump-Putin Meeting&quot; (16 July 2018)]

===== ''[[w:The Restless Wave (book)|The Restless Wave]]'' (2018) =====
:&lt;small&gt;''The Restless Wave: Good Times, Just Causes, Great Fights, and Other Appreciations'' (2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

* &lt;!-- I want to talk to my fellow Americans a little more, if I may: --&gt; '''My fellow Americans. No association ever mattered more to me.''' We’re not always right. We’re impetuous and impatient, and rush into things without knowing what we’re really doing. We argue over little differences endlessly, and exaggerate them into lasting breaches. We can be selfish, and quick sometimes to shift the blame for our mistakes to others. But our country ‘tis of thee.‘ What great good we’ve done in the world, so much more good than harm. We served ourselves, of course, but we helped make others free, safe and prosperous because we weren’t threatened by other people’s liberty and success. '''We need each other. We need friends in the world, and they need us. The bell tolls for us, my friends, Humanity counts on us, and we ought to take measured pride in that. We have not been an island. We were ‘involved in mankind.‘ '''&lt;br /&gt; Before I leave, I’d like to see our [[politics]] begin to return to the [[purposes]] and practices that distinguish our [[history]] from the history of other nations. '''I would like to see us recover our sense that we are more alike than different.''' We are [[citizens]] of a [[republic]] made of shared [[ideals]] forged in a new world to replace the tribal enmities that tormented the old one. Even in times of political turmoil such as these, we share that awesome heritage and the [[responsibility]] to embrace it. Whether we think each other right or wrong in our views on the issues of the day, we owe each other our [[respect]], as long as our [[character]] merits respect, and as long as we share, for all our differences, for all the rancorous [[debates]] that enliven and sometimes demean our politics, a mutual [[devotion]] to the ideals our nation was conceived to uphold, that all are created equal, and [[liberty]] and equal [[justice]] are the [[natural rights]] of all. Those rights inhabit the [[human]] [[heart]], and from there, though they may be assailed, they can never be wrenched. '''I want to urge [[Americans]], for as long as I can, to remember that this shared devotion to [[human rights]] is our truest heritage and our most [[important]] [[loyalty]].'''

* “ I'm a Reagan Republican, a proponent of lower taxes, less government, free markets, free trade, defense readiness, and democratic internationalism.”

* '''&quot;The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it,&quot; spoke my hero, Robert Jordan, in [[Ernest_Hemingway#For_Whom_the_Bell_Tolls_(1940)|''For Whom the Bell Tolls'']]. And I do, too. I hate to leave it.''' But I don’t have a complaint. Not one. It’s been quite a ride. I’ve known great passions, seen amazing wonders, fought in a war, and helped make a peace. I’ve lived very well and I’ve been deprived of all comforts. I’ve been as lonely as a person can be and I‘ve enjoyed the company of heroes. '''I’ve suffered the deepest despair and experienced the highest exultation. I made a small place for myself in the story of America and the history of my times.''' &lt;br /&gt; I leave behind a loving wife, who is devoted to protecting the world’s most vulnerable, and seven great kids, who grew up to be fine men and women. I wish I had spent more time in their company. But I know they will go on to make their time count, and be of useful service to their beliefs, and to their fellow human beings. Their love for me and mine for them is the last strength I have. &lt;br /&gt; What an ingrate I would be to curse the fate that concludes the blessed life I’ve led. I prefer to give thanks for those blessings, and my love to the people who blessed me with theirs. '''The bell tolls for me. I knew it would. So I tried, as best I could, to stay a &quot;part of the main.&quot; I hope those who mourn my passing, and even those who don’t, will celebrate as I celebrate a happy life lived in imperfect service to a country made of ideals, whose continued service is the hope of the world. And I wish all of you great adventures, good company, and lives as lucky as mine.'''

===== Farewell statement (2018) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/ Official Farewell Statement of Senator John McCain], publicly read by Rick Davis at the Arizona State Capitol in Phoenix, Arizona (27 August 2018) ·  [https://www.politico.com/story/2018/08/27/full-text-john-mccains-farewell-statement-797487 &quot;Full text: John McCain's farewell statement&quot;, ''Politico'' (27 August 2018)] · [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a22842112/john-mccain-farwell-letter/ &quot;In His Farewell Letter, John McCain Offers Advice on Enduring These 'Challenging Times'&quot; ''Esquire'' (27 August  2018)]&lt;/small&gt; 
[[File:McCainWithSquadron.jpg|thumb|&quot;Fellow Americans&quot;—that association has meant more to me than any other. … Do not despair of our present difficulties but believe always in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here. Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history. We make history. &lt;br /&gt; Farewell, fellow Americans.]]

* I have tried to serve our country honorably. I have made mistakes, but I hope my love for America will be weighed favorably against them.&lt;br /&gt; '''I have often observed that I am the [[luckiest]] person on [[Earth]]. I feel that way even now as I prepare for the [[end]] of my [[life]].''' I have loved my life, all of it. I have had experiences, adventures and friendships enough for ten satisfying lives, and I am so thankful. Like most people, I have regrets. But I would not trade a day of my life, in good or bad times, for the best day of anyone else’s. &lt;br /&gt; I owe that [[satisfaction]] to the [[love]] of my [[family]]. No man ever had a more loving wife or children he was prouder of than I am of mine. And I owe it to [[America]]. '''To be [[connected]] to America’s [[causes]] — [[liberty]], [[equal]] [[justice]], [[respect]] for the [[dignity]] of [[all]] [[people]] — brings [[happiness]] more sublime than life’s fleeting [[pleasures]].''' Our [[identities]] and sense of [[worth]] are not circumscribed but enlarged by serving [[good]] causes bigger than [[ourselves]]. &lt;br /&gt;&quot;Fellow Americans&quot; — that association has meant more to me than any other. I lived and [[died]] a proud American. We are [[citizens]] of the [[world]]’s greatest [[republic]], a [[nation]] of [[ideals]], not blood and soil. We are [[blessed]] and are a blessing to [[humanity]] when we uphold and advance those ideals at home and in the world. We have [[helped]] [[liberate]] more [[people]] from [[tyranny]] and [[poverty]] than ever before in history. We have acquired great [[wealth]] and [[power]] in the process.

* '''We [[weaken]] our [[greatness]] when we confuse our [[patriotism]] with tribal rivalries that have sown [[resentment]] and [[hatred]] and [[violence]] in all the corners of the globe.''' We weaken it when we hide behind [[walls]], rather than tear them down, when we [[doubt]] the power of our ideals, rather than [[trust]] them to be the great [[force]] for [[change]] they have always been.

* We are three-hundred-and-twenty-five million opinionated, vociferous [[individuals]]. We [[argue]] and [[compete]] and sometimes even vilify each other in our raucous public [[debates]]. But we have always had so much more in common with each other than in disagreement. If only we [[remember]] that and give each other the [[benefit]] of the presumption that we all love our [[country]] we will get through these challenging times. We will come through them [[stronger]] than before. We always do.

* '''Do not despair of our present difficulties but believe always in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here. Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history. We make history. &lt;br /&gt; Farewell, fellow Americans.''' God bless you, and God bless America.

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* Only an asshole would put together a budget like this. I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole.
** [http://www.newsweek.com/id/82862 Supposedly said to Senator Pete Domenici at a GOP meeting in the fall of 1999.]

* You know, the [[France|French]] remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.
** [http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml Supposedly said during an interview with Fox News]
{{Disputed end}}

== Quotes about McCain ==
*Sen. John McCain liked to fight for causes larger than himself. He fought for his country as a Navy pilot during the Vietnam War. Despite being tortured in a Vietnamese prison camp, he stood up for his fellow prisoners of war by refusing the early release his captors offered him because he was an admiral's son. In politics, he fought to defeat Democrats at the polls, to bend the GOP toward his brand of Republicanism and for any number of policies he considered vital — from weakening national parties' dominance of campaign financing to prohibiting the U.S. from torturing suspected terrorists. '''But McCain's legacy will be about a trait, more than any individual cause, that was both larger than himself and is in perilously short supply in American politics right now: honor.'''
** Jonathan Allen in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/john-mccain-s-legacy-sense-honor-has-become-rare-polarized-n903911 ''John McCain's legacy: A sense of honor that has become rare in a polarized Washington''] (25 August 2018)

*Many in the crowd booed, and later, Arab-Americans expressed disappointment at the implication that they weren't decent family people. But McCain's rejection of the woman's bigotry and ignorance, which almost seems quaint now, remains at the core of the great American political experiment. The republic only survives if adversaries are able to respect one another and the idea that differences should be resolved peacefully in the political arena. Surely, many future supporters of President Donald Trump were turned off by McCain's response that day. '''For years, McCain was pilloried by those on the right who thought he was insufficiently loyal to the GOP and those on the left who were infuriated that he was lionized as a &quot;maverick&quot; when he usually toed the party line.'''
** Jonathan Allen in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/john-mccain-s-legacy-sense-honor-has-become-rare-polarized-n903911 ''John McCain's legacy: A sense of honor that has become rare in a polarized Washington''] (25 August 2018)

* We used to tease, after John McCain made that speech that time, that called our audience ‘hobbits,’ it was always great to hear what the hobbits had to say because at the end of the day what they had to say was what mattered most
** [[Steve Bannon]] '''[https://www.breitbart.com/radio/2016/12/30/bannon-hobbits-deplorables-great-run-2016-top-first-inning/ Steve Bannon: ‘Hobbits and Deplorables Had a Great Run in 2016,’ but It’s Only ‘Top of the First Inning’]''' (30 Dec 2016)

* I was sitting here thinking [about] Arizona and thinking [about] John McCain and [[Cindy McCain]]. And now [former Republican Arizona Sen.] [[Jeff Flake]] endorsed [[Joe Biden]], but much more of the McCain legacy. I am sure you are talking to people who are close to John McCain, that it is John McCain’s last laugh, if, in fact, his state, his beloved adopted state goes for Joe Biden, his old friend who spoke at his funeral, eulogized him. Can you imagine the poetry of that if it happens?
** [[Dana Bash]]. as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/media/524584-cnns-dana-bash-trump-loss-in-arizona-would-be-john-mccains-last-laugh/ CNN’s Dana Bash: Trump loss in Arizona would be ‘John McCain’s last laugh’] (5 November 2020)

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|A very angry Senator John McCain denounced [[Code Pink|CODEPINK]] activists as “low-life scum” for holding up signs reading “Arrest Kissinger for [[War crimes|War Crimes]]” and dangling handcuffs next to Henry Kissinger’s head during a Senate hearing on January 29... You might think that McCain, who suffered tremendously in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]], might be more sensitive to [[Henry Kissinger|Kissinger]]’s role in prolonging that war. From 1969 through 1973, it was Kissinger, along with [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]], who oversaw the slaughter in Vietnam, [[Cambodia]] and Laos — killing perhaps one million during this period.  ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]

*A very angry Senator John McCain denounced [[Code Pink|CODEPINK]] activists as “low-life scum” for holding up signs reading “Arrest Kissinger for [[War crimes|War Crimes]]” and dangling handcuffs next to Henry Kissinger’s head during a Senate hearing on January 29. McCain called the demonstration “disgraceful, outrageous and despicable,” accused the protesters of “physically intimidating” Kissinger and apologized profusely to his friend for this “deeply troubling incident.”&lt;BR&gt;But if Senator McCain was really concerned about physical intimidation, perhaps he should have conjured up the memory of the gentle Chilean singer/songwriter [[Víctor Jara|Victor Jara]]. After Kissinger facilitated the September 11, 1973 coup against [[Salvador Allende]] that brought the ruthless [[Augusto Pinochet]] to power, Victor Jara and 5,000 others were rounded up in Chile’s National Stadium. Jara’s hands were smashed and his nails torn off; the sadistic guards then ordered him to play his guitar. Jara was later found dumped on the street, his dead body riddled with gunshot wounds and signs of torture...&lt;BR&gt;Rather than calling peaceful protesters “despicable”, perhaps Senator McCain should have used that term to describe Kissinger’s role in the brutal 1975 Indonesian invasion of East Timor, which took place just hours after Kissinger and President Ford visited Indonesia. They had given the Indonesian strongman the US green light—and the weapons—for an invasion that led to a 25-year occupation in which over 100,000 soldiers and civilians were killed or starved to death. The UN's Commission for Reception, Truth and Reconciliation in East Timor (CAVR) stated that U.S. &quot;political and military support were fundamental to the Indonesian invasion and occupation&quot; of East Timor.
**[https://www.commondreams.org/views/2015/01/30/henry-kissinger-or-codepink-whos-low-life-scum Henry Kissinger or CODEPINK: Who’s the &quot;Low Life Scum&quot;?], by [[Medea Benjamin]], ''CommonDreams'', (January 30, 2015) 

*You might think that McCain, who suffered tremendously in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]], might be more sensitive to Kissinger’s role in prolonging that war. From 1969 through 1973, it was Kissinger, along with [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]], who oversaw the slaughter in Vietnam, [[Cambodia]] and Laos — killing perhaps one million during this period. He gave the order for the [[W:secret bombing of Cambodia|secret bombing of Cambodia]]. Kissinger is on tape saying, “[Nixon] wants a massive bombing campaign in Cambodia. He doesn't want to hear anything about it. It's an order, to be done. Anything that flies on anything that moves.” &lt;BR&gt;Senator McCain could have...[read] the meticulously researched book by the late writer [[Christopher Hitchens]], [[W:The Trial of Henry Kissinger|''The Trial of Henry Kissinger'']]. Writing as a prosecutor before an international court of law, Hitchens skewers Kissinger for ordering or sanctioning the destruction of civilian populations, the assassination of “unfriendly” politicians and the kidnapping and disappearance of soldiers, journalists and clerics who got in his way. He holds Kissinger responsible for [[war crimes]]... from the deliberate mass killings of civilian populations in Indochina, to collusion in mass murder and assassination in Bangladesh, the overthrow of the democratically elected government in [[Chile]], and the incitement and enabling of genocide in [[W:East Timor|East Timor]].&lt;BR&gt; McCain could have also perused the warrant issued by French Judge Roger Le Loire to have Kissinger appear before his court. When the French served Kissinger with summons in 2001 at the Ritz Hotel in Paris, Kissinger fled the country. More indictments followed from Spain, Argentina, Uruguay — even a civil suit in Washington DC.
**[https://www.commondreams.org/views/2015/01/30/henry-kissinger-or-codepink-whos-low-life-scum Henry Kissinger or CODEPINK: Who’s the &quot;Low Life Scum&quot;?], by [[Medea Benjamin]], ''CommonDreams'', (January 30, 2015) 

* These times require more than a good soldier. They require a wise leader.
** [[Joe Biden]], [http://www.boston.com/news/politics/2008/articles/2008/08/28/biden_comes_out_punching/ ''Democratic National Convention''] (August 27, 2008)

* Out of America's 15 battleground states, it should have been a safe bet that [[Donald Trump]] would win the 11 electoral votes up for grabs in Arizona. The state, in the nation's southwest, has only once been called for a Democratic candidate since 1952 – [[Bill Clinton]], in 1996. But the constant attacks from the President on one man – the late Senator John McCain – may have contributed to a huge backlash in Arizona that will not only see it flip blue for Joe Biden, but secure Trump's electoral loss. As Fox News and The Associated Press called the state for Biden, the fury of Trump's supporters was quickly turned toward McCain's widow Cindy, who endorsed Biden back in September and, in the words of conservative [[Mark Levin]], &quot;helped cost us Arizona&quot;.
** Natalie Brown in [https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/us-election-how-john-mccain-helped-seal-donald-trumps-fate-in-arizona/ZMZREFKNGQ6V7INB6T64VWZ5MI/ ''US election: How John McCain helped seal Donald Trump's fate in Arizona''] (6 November 2020)

* Frankly, neither of [the presidential candidates'] numbers adds up. But I’ve come to see a consistent pattern in Obama's. For the life of me, Senator Straight Talk, I see no such straight thing with yours. You rail against big government, yet continue to push cockamamie spending plans that make a mockery of it. That's why you're losing right now, Senator McCain. Not because you don't have the courage of your convictions. But because on economic matters, you have no convictions, period.
** [[Neil Cavuto]], [http://www.foxbusiness.com/story/markets/cavuto-mccains-got-courage-convictions/ ''Fox News''] (October 28, 2008)

*Over the course of American history, a handful of U.S. senators have been so consequential that they are remembered better than some presidents. Among them are [[Daniel Webster]], [[John C. Calhoun]], Robert La Follette, [[Everett Dirksen]] and [[Ted Kennedy]]. John McCain, who died Saturday, deserves to be the most recent addition to this exclusive company.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*He was one of a kind — a blunt-spoken legislator with a sense of humor who followed a sometimes unpredictable course, often clashed with his own party and exercised an outsized influence on policy debates. After losing to Barack Obama in his 2008 race for the presidency, he absorbed the defeat and resumed his Senate work with unflagging zeal.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*He lost a bid for the 2000 GOP presidential nomination to George W. Bush, but became a staunch supporter of the Iraq invasion and the military surge that Bush mounted in 2007 to counter a spreading insurgency. He was one of Washington’s foremost experts on military and national security matters, advocating tough policies against Iran, Syria, Libya, Russia and other unfriendly governments.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*Joining with Democratic Sen. Edward “Ted” Kennedy in 2005, he made a valiant effort to enact comprehensive immigration reform — a crucial need that Congress has still not met. He proposed a “cap-and-trade” system to curb greenhouse gas emissions, defying Republicans who scorned climate change as a hoax.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*McCain was sometimes wrong, but he was fearless in fighting for the principles he held dearest. He will be remembered in many ways — as a war hero, a political maverick, a reformer and a staunch advocate for an assertive American role in world affairs. But he will be remembered most as a patriot.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

* When Trump initially attacked McCain as something less than a war hero in 2015, it was covered as the end of a campaign that never really got started. Trump has been in the race for all of a month. He was still an asterisk in most polling. And everyone who knew anything assumed that attacking McCain’s five years spent as a prisoner of war in Vietnam – a time that left the Arizona Republican with lifelong wounds – was a death sentence of Trump’s political ambitions. After all, while plenty of Republicans didn’t agree with McCain’s much-touted renegade nature – and his willingness to buck party leadership – no one ever questioned the man’s service to the country (in the military and in elected office). And doing so was seen as the easiest way to destroy your political future. Except it didn’t destroy Trump. For all the hand-wringing and predictions of doom for his campaign, he just kept right on going – first to the Republican presidential nomination and then to the White House. For many of his supporters, Trump’s broadsides against McCain were music to their ears – finally someone was standing up to the political establishment in Washington! Trump wasn’t afraid of slaughtering a sacred cow – or all the sacred cows! He didn’t care! And they loved it.
** Chris Cillizza in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/19/politics/donald-trump-john-mccain-dead/index.html ''The awful reality that Donald Trump’s repeated attacks on John McCain prove''] (19 March 2019)

*Here’s what I also know: There are certain things that are right and certain things that are wrong – whether you are a Democrat, a Republican or somewhere in between. And attacking a dead man who spent five years as a prisoner of war and another three decades serving the country in elected office, is simply wrong. That’s true if [[Barack Obama]], [[George W. Bush]], [[Millard Fillmore]], [[Franklin Pierce]] or whoever the next president will be did it. (None of them would have said what Trump did about a man with as decorated a past as McCain but the point still holds.
** Chris Cillizza in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/19/politics/donald-trump-john-mccain-dead/index.html ''The awful reality that Donald Trump’s repeated attacks on John McCain prove''] (19 March 2019)

* Luckily, I agree with my party more than Senator McCain agrees with his party.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], Politico, 11 February 2008. [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0208/8453.html]

* '''Chris Cillizza:''' Was the young McCain that came to the Senate in the mid 1980s significantly different from the man we saw in his final decade in the Senate? If so, how?&lt;br /&gt;'''Ross Baker:''' The 1980s McCain wanted to be one of the boys, fell in with bad company and spent the next three decades atoning. He spent years living down the Keating Five scandal, even though he got off with a slap on the wrist. In his 2002 memoir, written after his loss to George W. Bush, he was still lamenting that blot on his escutcheon.&lt;br /&gt;'''Cillizza:''' What was McCain’s greatest achievement as a senator? Greatest failure?&lt;br /&gt;'''Baker:''' His greatest lasting achievement was his dramatic last-second “no” vote to dismember ACA. His greatest temporary feat was McCain-Feingold [campaign finance reform]. My own high point – though it’s rarely remembered – was his takedown of the Jack Abramoff crew when he was chair of Indian Affairs. He turned Bureau of Indian Affairs and the whole Interior Department upside down. He did major things with a minor committee. His greatest failure: His persistent support for the Iraq war despite the good bipartisan vibes from the “Three Amigos.” The Keating Savings &amp; Loan scandal of course, though McCain sized up the situation before the others. That scandal tarnished another hero, John Glenn.&lt;br /&gt;'''Cillizza:''' If there is a list of the 15 greatest senators ever, is McCain on it? Why or why not?&lt;br /&gt;'''Baker:''' He’s not up there with [[Henry Clay|[Henry] Clay]], [[Daniel Webster|[Daniel] Webster]], [[John C. Calhoun|[John] Calhoun]], [[Charles Sumner|[Charles] Sumner]] and [[Lyndon B. Johnson|LBJ]], but he’s a lot closer than [[Ted Cruz]] will ever be. Few senators in recent years, however, have had such a stupendous sendoff. He always had the media eating out of his hand. That’s no minor accomplishment.
** CNN article [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/29/politics/mccain-greatest-senator/index.html ''The ‘thumbs down’ health care vote that enraged Trump is John McCain’s lasting legacy''] (29 August 2018)

* McCain was down at the end of the table and we were talking to the head of the guerrilla group here at this end of the table, and I don’t know what attracted my attention. But I saw some kind of quick movement at the bottom of the table and I looked down there and John had reached over and grabbed this guy by the shirt collar and had snatched him up like he was throwing him up out of the chair to tell him what he thought about him or whatever. I don’t know what he was telling him but I thought, good grief everybody around here has got guns and we were there on a diplomatic mission. I don’t know what had happened to provoke John, but he obviously got mad at the guy and he just reached over there and snatched him.
** Senator Thad Cochran [R-MS] [http://www.mcclatchydc.com/251/story/42844.html recalling a 1987 incident] when John McCain lost his temper with an associate of Nicaragua’s President, July 1, 2008

* Tributes for McCain and the lauding of his courage, honor, decency, character, and readiness to reexamine his own mistakes will unfold at a time when Trump is facing an unflattering public debate about his own personality and behavior. The guilty plea by the President’s former personal lawyer Michael Cohen and conviction of former campaign chairman Paul Manafort last week deepened the political and legal storm raging around the White House – but still did not push most Republican leaders to criticize Trump. In that context, the ceremonies marking McCain’s passing seem sure to become more than a lament for a departed political giant. They are likely to become a debate about political morality and the comportment and principles expected of public figures in an already polarized political age that has been further roiled by Trump’s disruptive influence.
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* '''After two losing presidential campaigns, McCain never made it to the Oval Office – yet he is getting an emotional sendoff and assessment that might befit one of the men who did become President.'''
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* When comparisons are drawn between the President and McCain, Trump’s supporters are certain to accuse the media and his critics of exploiting McCain’s death to aim what they will view as yet another unfair attack on the commander-in-chief. But many of the tributes to McCain from the establishment politicians with whom he felt comfortable can also be read as commentaries on the importance of character in public life and America’s mission and global role, and therefore as subtle, implicit criticisms of the conduct and attitudes of the man in the Oval Office himself. After all, many of Trump’s critics have long argued that he lacks the character needed of a President, a narrative that gathered pace last week as the legal woes mounted, threatening his presidency. A persistent criticism has been that Trump disdains the altruistic and patriotic motives that Obama saw in McCain and instead feeds his own ego in a search for personal recognition. In Europe, there is deep concern about Trump’s commitment to Western values and NATO – so it is impossible to read tributes to McCain from people like Stoltenberg in any other context.
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* I think that's one reason [McCain's] &quot;celebrity&quot; ad [attacking Obama] came out so quickly. You know, part of the strategy here is, once you get caught [lying in an ad], change the subject, and launch a new charge.
** Columnist Craig Crawford of ''Congressional Quarterly'', on the short interval between release of two McCain campaign ads; ''Countdown''; July 30, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25950313/]

* This week, [John McCain] strayed perilously close to being indicted for the deadly sin of flip-flopping, which famously helped doom [[John Kerry]]'s presidential bid in 2004. [His] excoriation of the Supreme Court [ruling that ''habeas corpus'' applies to Guantánamo detainees] seemed like overkill, given the limited nature of the judgment, and doubly odd given that Mr McCain supports the immediate closure of the prison camp and the transfer of its prisoners to the mainland.  That would give them far greater protection than anything the court has done.
** &quot;Twist and Shout: The problems of pleasing everyone,&quot; ''The Economist,'' p. 44, June 21, 2008

* &quot;He’s kind of the Democratic version of John McCain,&quot; said Sen. Jon Tester (D-Mont.). &quot;I say that partially in jest. But partially it’s true: Joe’s a hard guy to figure out how to lead. You know? He dances to his own music.&quot; Like McCain, the moonshine-swigging former quarterback isn’t afraid to let his colleagues know where he stands on a given day, either in the hallways of the Capitol or on cable news airwaves. [[Joe Manchin|Manchin]] often publicly discusses how he’s struggling with issues or tough votes.
** Burgess Everett in [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/07/joe-manchin-senate-congress-466132 ''‘The Democratic version of John McCain’''] (7 February 2021)

* Few politicians who fail to win the presidency are subsequently judged to be giants in our history. Among the select few are [[Robert F. Kennedy]], [[Barry Goldwater]] and [[Hubert Humphrey|Hubert H. Humphrey]] in the 20th century; [[Henry Clay]], [[Daniel Webster]] and [[John C. Calhoun]] in the 19th century; and [[William Jennings Bryan]], who straddled the two. There would certainly be lively debate about other political figures who deserve inclusion on such a list, and many non-politicians have earned places in our national story far more exalted than those of middling presidents and elected officials. As John McCain's contemporaries, we may be ill-positioned to insist with certainty that he will join the likes of Kennedy, Bryan and Clay as figures who were profoundly consequential though the White House eluded them.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* Our judgment may be clouded because McCain's personal virtues — his insistence on the importance of honor, his resolute candor, his graciousness toward adversaries, his willingness to sacrifice, his ability to laugh at himself and to admit to his failings — stand in such stark contrast to our current leadership, particularly the incumbent president. And while Bryan and Goldwater fundamentally changed their parties, McCain's eclectic independence makes it hard to define an ideology called McCainism that might serve as an enduring legacy.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* This is why McCain won so many liberal admirers, despite their many disagreements with him — particularly on the Iraq War, his deeply hawkish approach to foreign policy and his flip-flops on tax cuts. He also infuriated and befuddled them with his choice of [[Sarah Palin]] as his running mate in 2008, a decision that weakened his own wing of the party and ran counter to the seriousness of his approach to public life. And, given McCain's clearsightedness about who President Trump is, liberals wished he had taken the decisive step of upending his party's majority in the Senate. Yet it was impossible not to renew one's respect for McCain. He had a capacity to admit moral error that is rare among politicians of any stripe. He did this powerfully by calling himself out for pandering to voters in South Carolina's 2000 GOP primary by refusing to denounce the display of the Confederate flag at the state Capitol. He regularly put great things (the defense of the Western alliance on behalf of democracy above all) over petty things. He had a vision of the United States as a beacon of openness, thus his unwavering support for immigration reform, and of democracy as involving a government of equals, thus his consistent opposition to the outsize role of money in politics.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* One need not canonize McCain to appreciate him. On the contrary, the fact he was a politician who wanted to win means that he is a better model for other politicians than a saint. He could trim when he had to and sometimes brawled against opponents for reasons not of principle but of power — or just because he harbored a grudge. Yet the former prisoner of war did all he could to live up to words he revered from Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor: &quot;Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.&quot; It is not easy to choose one's own way in ordinary life. It's even more difficult in politics. McCain will be long remembered because he kept faith with this obligation.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* The McCain campaign is creating a new category of campaign maneuver. I would call it self-punking. They keep doing this to themselves. When I talked to them today, I think they were pretty genuinely upset that they'd screwed this up, that there were young people running a finance operation who set this thing up. That's their story and they're sticking to it, and they may be right about that. But the fact is that the senior leadership in the McCain campaign surely knew about this, or they ''should'' have known about it. Clayton Williams is anathema to the very Democratic women voters McCain is saying he's going after.
** Howard Fineman of ''Newsweek'', on Sen. McCain's canceling a fundraiser hosted by [http://www.oliverwillis.com/index.php/2008/06/13/mccain-cancels-event-with-rape-joker-keeps-his-300000/ Williams] -- famous for remarks about rape and opposition to TX Gov. Anne Richards -- but retaining the $300,000 he helped raise[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/16/AR2008061601464.html]; June 16, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3719710/]

* In terms of the relationship [between Gramm and McCain], I think, it's strong as ever and that … Phil Gramm's advice will be taken to heart.
** [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]], a McCain surrogate, on whether Phil Gramm's role as economic advisor to McCain has truly ended, after McCain allegedly relieved Phil Gramm of the role; Gramm has been a leading deregulator of the mortgage and oil futures industries, CNBC; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25834373/]

* But Obama still insists on a 16-month withdrawal, which has become sort of a sliding scale, moving along with each passing month. Regardless of conditions, his strategy is to withdraw the troops in 16 months - not 12 or 24 - no matter when the clock starts ticking, whether it was 20 months ago or after he takes office in January 2009. McCain has refused to embrace any such arbitrary timetable, yet ''The New York Times'' insists that he must if the newspaper is going to print his opinion of the war. That is absurd, and it is journalistic malpractice. This is how radical ''The Times''’ behavior is. In his article McCain chided Obama for setting a timetable for withdrawal, especially prior to his tour of Iraq and meeting with military leaders and Iraqi officials. That has been his position for several weeks. But ''The Times'' rejects that approach and insists that McCain actually embrace his opponent’s stand and violate his own previous pledges - or it would not publish his views. ''The Times'' ducked for cover by telling McCain this is standard practice at many newspapers, but I’m not familiar with any newspaper that has ever insisted a candidate, whether for town council or for president, change a position to match an opponent’s, in order to meet the newpaper’s op-ed requirements.
** Chuck Green in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2008/07/23/times-wrong-to-suppress-mccain/8757639007/ ''Times wrong to suppress McCain op-ed''] (23 July 2008)

* The problem for John McCain and George Bush is this: they have defined leaving as losing. Therefore, we cannot ever leave.
** Chris Hayes, Washington Editor of ''The Nation'', on ''Countdown''; July 21, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25799429/]

* A candidate may well change his or her position on, say, universal health care or Bosnia. But he or she cannot change the fact—if it happens to be a fact—that he or she is a pathological liar, or a dimwit, or a proud ignoramus. And even in the short run, this must and will tell. 
**[[Christopher Hitchens]], “Vote for Obama.” Slate, 2008. 

* Unjustified war and unconstitutional abridgment of individual rights, versus ill-conceived tax and economic policies -- this is the difference between venial and mortal sins. John McCain would continue the Bush administration's commitment to interventionism and constitutional over-reach. Obama promises a humbler engagement with our allies, while promising retaliation against any enemy who dares attack us. … Based on his embrace of centrist advisers and policies, it seems likely that Obama will turn out to be in the mold of [[John F. Kennedy|John Kennedy]], who was fond of noting that &quot;a rising tide lifts all boats.&quot; … Even if my hopes on domestic policy are dashed and Obama reveals himself as an unreconstructed, dyed in the wool, big government liberal, I'm still voting for him.
** Former [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] policy advisor Larry Hunter; New York Daily News; July 16, 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25783198/]

*A great many Republicans have had their differences with Arizona Sen. John McCain over the years, and some of President Donald Trump’s biggest supporters are using the occasion of the release of the senator’s memoir to bash McCain in the sunset of his career and life. They take to Twitter to bash a guy who suffered torture for his country, lived a life of public service and consequence, and has the audacity to express his political opinions and preferences on who eulogizes him. You don’t have to love John McCain to know this is wrong and, as Jonah Goldberg put it, &quot;grotesque.&quot;
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*It is true that those of us who supported [[George W. Bush]] over McCain in the 2000 GOP primary found his attacks against Bush to be whiny and irritating. McCain’s position and vitriolic statements on campaign finance &quot;reform&quot; were grating, especially when you consider that his legislation did the opposite of reforming the system. It drove money out of the hands of candidates and parties, and into the shadows of outside groups. McCain’s legacy on campaign finance, well-meaning as it may have been, is a broken system that he helped to drive fully off the rails.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*But he has been a loyal American and Republican all his life. He barnstormed the country for Bush in 2000 and 2004. I saw him on the campaign trail for Mitt Romney in 2012. He took on the mantle of Republican nominee for President in 2008, trying desperately to hold the White House for a party whose President was suffering from low approval ratings. Despite his ditching the GOP on a handful of issues (most recently Obamacare repeal), McCain has mostly been a solid citizen in the Senate. He has opposed wasteful spending (a Republican staple), and even now, serving under a President he clearly despises, votes for the Trump agenda 83% of the time, according to 538’s “Trump Tracker.” That’s a better “Trump Score” than Susan Collins, Mike Lee and Rand Paul, and nearly 22 points more than the tracker would expect based on the 2016 outcome in Arizona.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

* In 2000, McCain ran as the anti-establishment insurgent, trying to upend the Bush apple cart. But today, at the sunset of McCain’s life and career, it is another group of insurgents, Trump and his supporters, who cast McCain as an unreliable relic, out of touch with the people of Arizona and the Republican Party. They hate his views on immigration and his detestation of Trump’s behavior and style. In some ways, Trump pulled off what McCain was trying to do back in 2000. McCain called it the &quot;Straight Talk Express,&quot; pulling no punches and offering unprecedented press access. He didn’t win but forever absorbed the brand of “maverick” in the process. Trump did the same thing. He ran against the establishment and was the most press accessible candidate in 2016. McCain was, tactically, ahead of his time, while Trump got the timing just right.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

* '''McCain will be remembered as a war hero, American patriot and public servant who was conservative but unafraid to buck his party from time to time. He will be remembered for clashing with Trump and suffering for it politically among members of his own party. He will be remembered for picking Sarah Palin and later regretting it. He will be remembered for making the campaign finance system worse while trying to make it better. He will be remembered for being entangled in the Keating Five ethics scandal. He will be remembered for being tortured, and then leading the opposition to certain interrogation tactics during the Global War on Terror.''' But no matter how you remember him or what you think of him, John McCain has earned the right to speak his mind and to have anyone at his funeral he wants. Feel free to disagree with McCain, but lay off the vitriolic, tribal attacks. He suffered mightily for your right to do so.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*They both recognized and loved each other’s passion. For my father’s part, everyone knew how passionate ([[Ted Kennedy]]) was and that was known for John McCain. He really loved the fight, but he never let that get in the way of respect. And that’s what is missing in today’s politics, that genuine respect for democracy.
** Patrick Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/john-mccain-patrick-kennedy-ted-kennedy-cnntv/index.html ''Ted Kennedy’s son remembers his father’s friendship with John McCain''] (27 August 2018)

*He knew that my father cared for this country. He knew that my father lost his brothers for this country. He knew that my father was part of this country and respected that. And my father genuinely loved and respected John McCain. It’s an example of what we need today and that is that even though they disagreed, they were always searching for ways to put their country ahead of their party. It sounds trite, but no, not at all – These days we’re living in, we really need people to have that as their goal.
** Patrick Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/john-mccain-patrick-kennedy-ted-kennedy-cnntv/index.html ''Ted Kennedy’s son remembers his father’s friendship with John McCain''] (27 August 2018)

[[File:Ted Kennedy, official photo portrait crop.jpg|thumb|I think that John McCain and [[Ted Kennedy]] represent what the Senate has been at its best ... what it can be again, a place where men and women of good will can come together and address the great challenges facing our nation. ~ Vicki Reggie Kennedy]]
* I think that John McCain and [[Ted Kennedy]] represent what the Senate has been at its best ... what it can be again, a place where men and women of good will can come together and address the great challenges facing our nation.
** Vicki Reggie Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.wgbh.org/news/politics/2018/08/26/massachusetts-remembers-senator-john-mccain ''Massachusetts Remembers Sen. John McCain''] (26 August 2018)

*  I have known and been friends with John McCain for almost 22 years. But every day now I learn something new about candidate McCain. To those who still believe in the myth of a maverick instead of the reality of a politician, I say, let's compare Senator McCain to candidate McCain.&lt;br&gt;Candidate McCain now supports the wartime tax cuts that Senator McCain once denounced as immoral. Candidate McCain criticizes Senator McCain's own climate change bill. Candidate McCain says he would now vote against the immigration bill that Senator McCain wrote. Are you kidding? Talk about being for it before you're against it.&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you, before he ever debates Barack Obama, John McCain should finish the debate with himself. And what's more, Senator McCain, who once railed against the smears of [[Karl Rove]] when he was the target, has morphed into candidate McCain who is using the same &quot;Rove&quot; tactics and the same &quot;Rove&quot; staff to repeat the same old politics of fear and smear. Well, not this year, not this time. The Rove-McCain tactics are old and outworn, and America will reject them in 2008.
** John Kerry, [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/08/27/remarks_of_john_f_kerry_to_the_democratic_national_convention/?page=full ''Democratic National Convention''] (August 27, 2008)

*The noble simplicity of sentiment in McCain’s tweets is a world removed from Trump’s gaudy and boastful displays. And McCain’s demonstration of character and courage is a far more reliable guide to American greatness than the pronouncements of a president who speaks of it nonstop and embodies it not at all.
**[[Bill Kristol]], [http://www.weeklystandard.com/true-american-greatness/article/2008923 &quot;True American Greatness&quot;] (21 July 2017), ''The Weekly Standard''

* This is not the way a tested hero behaves. … It's like we caught him getting a manicure or something.
** [[David Letterman]], on seeing McCain on live feed being touched up by a makeup artist in preparation for an interview in New York City with [[Katie Couric]] after canceling his scheduled appearance at the same time on Letterman's show, allegedly to return to Washington because of the financial crisis; September 24, 2008; [http://www.topix.com/world/puerto-rico/2008/09/david-letterman-roasts-john-mccain-for-skipping-out-on-late-show-n-y-daily-news-24-09-08?threadid=FR0PGR9P3S37RN7H] [http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2008/09/somebodys_putting_something_in.html] [http://washingtonindependent.com/7466/letterman-do-his-cronkite]

* Just because a candidate's opponent says something is true about that candidate doesn't necessarily mean you should lead with it.
** [[Rachel Maddow]], on several media's leading with McCain's claim that Obama switched his Iraq policy; July 7, 2008; ''Countdown'';[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25587069/]

* John McCain was a beloved colleague. He was a patriot. He was truly an American hero. He had remarkable intellect. He had an iron will, most certainly. He had unquestionable integrity and courage that was absolutely unwavering. When I think about John and how John approached issues, John was one who did what he thought was right. When he thought he was right, there wasn't much arguing with him--he was right. Even then, we would engage, we would go back and forth, and I think oftentimes it was those arguments that caused us to either gain greater respect or perhaps greater fear, depending on where you were in the process.  John was one of those guys who favored straight talk. I don't think he would have any hard feelings about any of us describing our relationship with him over the years. We didn't always agree, and sometimes we didn't even get along, but the truth was, John McCain would always make sure you knew where he stood.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* John was very clear that you had to earn his respect. Respect was not something that came with the title. The fact that you were a U.S. Senator didn't mean you had earned his respect. And I know because I felt that in my early years here in the Senate. I came through an appointment, and I think John McCain was just going to wait to see if I was able to prove myself, and he ultimately decided, apparently, that I had. He came up to me one day--we were actually walking down the aisle there, and he came up and he said: &quot;You know, you are OK, kid.&quot; And for that, that was high praise.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* There were legendary back-and-forths, and sometimes you won, sometimes John won, but it was always with a great deal of passion that these exchanges moved forward. Then there was the other end of the spectrum--those times when John and I were voting together, sometimes against the majority of our own party. Healthcare and the ACA vote last year is certainly a prime example of that. That was a tough vote. That was a tough vote for our conference. It was a difficult vote, but I will tell you, it was comforting to have some solidarity with my friend John McCain even when it was clear that we may have disagreed with many of our colleagues. But John was one who, when he had made up his mind up, he had made up his mind, and you respected that.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* Senator Graham observed that John will not be replaced by any one Senator. It is going to take all of us working together. It is going to take all of us to really accomplish what John knew we were capable of. By coming together, respecting one another, one another's principles, even when we disagree, and working through these disagreements to compromise--that is how we really honor John's legacy. There are a lot of words, and these words will come and go, but the way to truly honor him is to live out what he believed this Senate is capable of doing. We were reminded that there is a little John McCain in all of us. I think it would be good for us to remind one another of that, to urge the inner John McCain in each of us to present itself in a way that betters our institution.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

*  It's not change when John McCain decided to stand with George Bush 95 percent of the time, as he did in the Senate last year.
** Sen. [[Barack Obama]]; 3 June 2008 in Minnesota and later in June campaign letter; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/03/AR2008060300273_pf.html]

* I welcome Senator McCain’s important statement on [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan’s]] legacy and the need to move toward a world free of nuclear weapons.  In my speech in Prague, I outlined my agenda for keeping the American people safe from the dangers posed by nuclear weapons, and I am grateful to John McCain for his leadership on these critical issues.  I have outlined an ambitious strategy for promoting arms control and preventing nuclear terrorism and proliferation, which is already bearing fruit.  I look forward to working with Senator McCain and the entire Congress to ensure that we accomplish these goals together for the American people and the security of the entire planet.
** [[Barack Obama]] in [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/statement-president-senator-mccains-speech-about-a-world-without-nuclear-weapons ''Statement by the President on Senator McCain's speech about a world without nuclear weapons''] (3 June 2009)

* Though both Sen. Obama and Sen. Biden have been going on lately about how they are always, quote, &quot;fighting for you,&quot; let us face the matter squarely. There is only one man in this election who has ever really fought for you.
** [[w:Sarah Palin|Sarah Palin]], from RNC Vice-Presidential acceptance speech [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94258995]

* I would never vote for anyone who thinks its funny to &quot;Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran&quot;.
** Republican Senator [[Ron Paul]] on McCain's comments regarding Iran

* Many in the audience had already been riled up by Trump’s famous dismissal of McCain’s years as a POW — &quot;I like people who weren’t captured.&quot; They’d been appalled when, just months earlier, a Trump White House aide allegedly dismissed the opinion of the cancer-stricken McCain because &quot;he’s dying anyway.&quot; They’d been enraged that, two days before the memorial service, Trump had again attacked McCain after reports of his refusal to lower American flags in his honor. On Election Day, many of them — led by McCain’s widow, [[Cindy McCain|Cindy]] — took revenge: Arizona is on target to choose a Democrat — Biden — for the first time in almost 25 years. Biden’s early lead was such that Fox News declared him the winner in the Grand Canyon State on Tuesday, altering the electoral math and pulling the rug out from under Trump’s plans to claim victory in the overall polling before the Biden-leaning mailed ballots were counted in the Midwestern states.
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Arizona was, in many ways, ground zero of the Trump presidency. It was the prime locus of his furious denunciations of illegal immigrants, which spurred his political rise. It was where he built his signature border wall. It was the home of former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the chain gang-loving lawman whom Trump pardoned after his conviction for violating a court order, but whom many Republicans had long grown to consider a provocative embarrassment to their party. It was where Trump warred with former Republican Sen. Jeff Flake, a McCain loyalist, but also staged raucous rallies, including a pair in the week before the election. '''But in the end, the more moderate, independent politics epitomized by McCain sent Trump packing.'''
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Former McCain staffers, including Woods, actively encouraged Arizona’s Republicans to come out in public support of Biden, not just on account of Trump’s poor treatment of McCain but because they believed the former senator would have voted his conscience for Biden, too.
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Like Burr for [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], John McCain would, no doubt, be a great vote-getting asset to [[John Kerry|Kerry]]. Two decorated Vietnam War Navy veterans would fortify the foreign policy and national security credentials of the Democratic slate. But McCain was an ardent supporter of President Bush’s move to liberate Iraq. As a surrogate campaigner for Bush in New Hampshire this year, McCain defended President Bush against the attacks by Kerry and Gov. Howard Dean on the issue of Iraq. In addition, McCain is a right-to-lifer and an anti-gun-control hardliner. Those two stands would be hard for most Democrats to accept. Yet many counter by arguing that the Democrats would swallow the pill of McCain if it would mean recovery of the White House and the ouster of the hated Bush.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* But if Kerry does take on McCain and win, he may live to regret it. To say that the Arizona senator is not a team player is an understatement. He is known for being outspoken, petulant and fractious. Far from toeing any administration line, John McCain would relish the attention by frequently crossing it.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Johnson]] played the good soldier as vice president in the three years before JFK’s assassination. But I wouldn’t bet on John McCain doing the same.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* Mr. McCain fought in Vietnam. I think that he has enough blood of peaceful citizens on his hands. It must be impossible for him to live without these disgusting scenes anymore. Mr. McCain was captured and they kept him not just in prison, but in a pit for several years. Anyone would go nuts.
** Vladimir Putin, Live Question &amp; Answer session, December 15, 2011 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8958294/Vladimir-Putin-calls-John-McCain-nuts-in-outspoken-attack.html]

* McCain has gone … too far.
** Republican strategist Karl Rove, on the accuracy of claims in various McCain campaign ads; September 14, 2008; [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/14/campaign.wrap/index.html]

* With Barack Obama holding a consistent 6-to-11 percentage-point lead in all recent national polls -- the stuff of an electoral vote landslide -- the 2008 campaign seems poised to enter its [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]] phase. That is the moment when John McCain, like virtually every losing candidate for more than half a century, invokes the ghost of &quot;Give ’em hell, Harry&quot; and the fading memories of a miracle 1948 electoral upset. About the only worse omen for McCain is when Republican talking points start to include the banalities of desperation like, &quot;The only poll that matters is the one on Election Day.&quot; Republicans are already starting to gird themselves for a Nov. 4 debacle. A front-page story in Sunday's ''New York Times'' featured GOP leaders lamenting the disarray in the McCain campaign. More ominous for McCain are the results of a secret-ballot survey by National Journal magazine of roughly 100 prominent Republican campaign consultants. Freed from the demands of on-the-record spin, 80 percent of these operatives admitted that it was highly likely that Obama would win the White House. The other 20 percent -- the cockeyed optimists of the GOP camp -- predicted that the election could go either way.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* The last time the self-described Arizona &quot;maverick&quot; tried to shake up the election, he melodramatically suspended his campaign to return to Washington to do virtually nothing to ease the financial crisis. This may, in hindsight, be remembered as the 48 hours in which McCain lost the White House, since the whole thing (down to the brinksmanship over participating in the first debate) struck many voters as a political stunt. McCain's prior desperation gambit -- the selection of a &quot;you betcha&quot; [[Sarah Palin|Alaska governor]] as his running mate -- also does not look like the stuff of lasting political genius. But McCain still has a few gambits that he might try, especially if the alternative were a stinging defeat. Some Republicans wonder if the 72-year-old McCain should make an &quot;I will serve only one term&quot; pledge, so that as president he would be free of all political pressure (yeah, sure) in his effort to reform Washington and confront the deadly earmark crisis.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* What polling mavens too often forget is that an election is not a computer simulation or a contest decided by the best use of regression analyses in analyzing published data. '''As a one-time event, all that is required is for a winning candidate to get lucky, very lucky, on Election Day. And a passionate embrace from Lady Luck is probably now the only way that John McCain will ever find himself behind the desk in the Oval Office.'''
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* The end of a lengthy political career is almost invariably sad, whether the final act is defeat, infirmity, or death. [[Ted Kennedy]] and John McCain both fought valiantly in public to remain active senators despite the dire diagnosis of aggressive brain cancer. Former segregationist [[Strom Thurmond]] treated the Senate as a high-class rest home as he—barely able to recognize his surroundings—nominally served the people of South Carolina until he died in office at age 100.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://newrepublic.com/article/166111/dianne-feinstein-age-issues-resign-now ''Dianne Feinstein Can Resign Now With Dignity, or...''] (15 April 2022)

* And then there was his complicated relationship with our state. John McCain lived in many places after Vietnam, but for the last 36 years he called Arizona home, and represented the state in Congress — from 1982 to 1986 as a representative, and then from ‘86 to his death as a member of the United States Senate. McCain embraced Arizona, adopting the pretty landscape of central Phoenix and Cornville, posting photos of red-rock hikes, but doing very little during his tenure to support the state. In fact, his stand against “pork-barrel politics” at a time when his colleagues in Congress were busy lining their own states’ pockets with infrastructure cost Arizona dearly while increasing McCain’s popularity as a refreshingly honest leader who turned down handouts. In a lot of ways, it didn’t matter what state he lived in. '''John McCain was America’s senator, not Arizona’s, a transplant (or a carpetbagger — again, it depends on your perspective) who adopted the state as his own.'''
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* McCain will not likely go down in history as Arizona’s favorite son. That title may ultimately belong to the late Carl Hayden, who used his own role in the Senate to secure water rights for the state; perhaps to another late senator, [[Barry Goldwater]], a true political iconoclast; or maybe to a favorite daughter, former Supreme Court Justice [[Sandra Day O’Connor]]. Favorite? No, although he never won an election in the state with less than an extra-wide margin. But McCain will certainly be remembered by many of us as Arizona’s most fascinating son.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* But I can’t help but wonder if the long view will be quite so kind to McCain. Will John McCain go down in history as the refreshing voice of reason, the antidote to Trump? He might. Or history might take a different view. Will McCain instead be remembered as the man who opened the door in 2008 to Sarah Palin, simultaneously setting the table for the Tea Party and ultimately making a spot for Trump himself? It all depends on your perspective.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* One of the most fascinating parts of their story is the Game Change authors’ insistence that John McCain – he of the clenched fists and frequent outbursts, the infamous temper – never publicly repudiated [[Sarah Palin]]. McCain’s advisors, staff and friends, yes. They complained long and hard and nastily about her in ensuing years. But never the senator, Heilemann and Halperin write. And now, as the nation says farewell to one of the most fascinating politicians in history, a question remains: Will all of John McCain’s railing against Donald Trump ever make up for the fact that it might have been the senator’s own desperation to win in 2008 that led the nation to this point? Only time will tell.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* I have witnessed incidents where he has used profanity at colleagues and exploded at colleagues. He would disagree about something and then explode. It was incidents of irrational behavior. We've all had incidents where we have gotten angry, but I've never seen anyone act like that....He had very few friends in the Senate. He has a lot of support around the country, but I don't think he has a lot of support from people who know him well.
** Former Senator Bob Smith, a New Hampshire Republican who served with Senator McCain on the Senate Armed Services Committee. [http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml]

*We really have to fault the mass media of the United States, not just for the last few days, but the last decades, pretending that somehow, by implication, almost that [[John McCain]] was doing the people of North Vietnam a favor as he flew over them and dropped bombs. You would think, in the hagiography that we’ve been getting about his role in a squadron flying over North Vietnam, that he was dropping, you know, flowers or marshmallows or something. He was shot down during his 23rd mission dropping bombs on massive numbers of human beings, in a totally illegal and immoral war.   
**[[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/8/27/obit_omit_what_the_media_leaves '''''What the Media Leaves Out of John McCain’s Record of Misogyny and Militarism,  Amy Goodman, Democracy Now!'''  (roundtable discussion on the life and legacy of John McCain)'']    (27 August 2018)

* '''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—&lt;br /&gt;'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell ya.
** [[Donald Trump]], Family Leadership Summit 2015, {{#formatdate:2015-07-18}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-18
 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured'
 | author = Harriet Alexander
 | newspaper = The Telegraph
 | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html
}}

* I hardly know Cindy McCain other than having put her on a Committee at her husband’s request. Joe Biden was John McCain’s lapdog. So many BAD decisions on Endless Wars &amp; the V.A., which I brought from a horror show to HIGH APPROVAL. Never a fan of John. Cindy can have Sleepy Joe!
** [[Donald Trump]] in a tweet responding to Cindy McCain's endorsement of Joe Biden, as cited by [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-54270478 ''US election 2020: Trump attacks McCain widow after Biden endorsement''] (23 September 2020)

* McCain ran an aggressive, hard-hitting campaign against former Congressman [[J. D. Hayworth]]. If he had taken this same kind of principled conservative and ‘take no prisoners’ campaign against [[Barack Obama]] in 2008, he’d now be in the second year of his presidency.
** [[Richard Viguerie]] about McCain campaign against J. D. Hayworth. [https://web.archive.org/web/20100925104907/http://www.conservativehq.com/blog_post/show/755 25 August 2010]

* But the more one sees of [McCain's] impulsive, intensely personal reactions to people and events, the less confidence one has that he would select judges by calm reflection and clear principles, having neither patience nor aptitude for either.
** Conservative pundit [[George Will]]; September 23, 2008; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/22/AR2008092202583.html] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/23/george-will-goes-off-mcca_n_128482.html] [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/27/AR2008022703205.html]

*He passed the way he lived, on his own terms, surrounded by the people he loved, in the place he loved best.
**[[Cindy McCain]], per [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/26/us-senator-john-mccain-dead-81/ 26 August 2018 Telegraph]

*My husband, John McCain, never viewed himself as larger than life—but he was. He believed in [[fighting]] for the [[good]] and never quitting, and he had more [[tenacity]] and [[resolve]] than anybody I ever met.
**Cindy McCain, ''Stronger''

*I remembered what John used to tell me—that if you get in a fight with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
**Cindy McCain, ''Stronger''

*[[Dianne Feinstein|Feinstein]] is a trailblazer and one of the most successful women in American political history, but not one of its greatest senators. Feinstein has never been connected to a singular important issue, as the late [[Ted Kennedy]] was with healthcare. Nor has she authored any landmark legislation, as John McCain and [[Russ Feingold]] did with their namesake 2002 campaign finance reform bill.
** Lincoln Mitchell in [https://theconversation.com/senator-dianne-feinstein-faces-pressure-to-end-her-30-years-representing-california-151986 ''Senator Dianne Feinstein faces pressure to end her 30 years representing California''] (14 April 2022)

* The reality is that while McCain's ghost may be smiling over the karma of Trump's loss of Arizona, the McCain-Trump feud was only one factor. While the senator was beloved by many in Arizona, not least because of his heroism in Vietnam (Trump avoided service claiming bone spurs), many residents new to the state have little knowledge of him. About half of the state's total population was added between the time McCain was first elected to the Senate in 1986 until his death, based on US Census Bureau data from 1980 and 2019. In addition, while many people came to the state every year, a significant number left -- even if the total kept growing. Arizona added 2.2 million residents from 2010 to 2018, while seeing 1.7 million move to other states. In other words, it's entirely possible that this churn prevented the kind of civic attachment that would have left a large cohort of Arizonans holding a grudge against Trump over his treatment of McCain.
** Jon Talton in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/13/opinions/joe-biden-flips-arizona-election-2020-talton/index.html ''McCain's revenge? Biden's win in Arizona is more than that''] (13 November 2020)

* '''While the John McCain factor may not have been decisive in the Arizona vote, for some it likely resonated. And it wasn't only personal history and view of service that divided Trump from McCain. It was also their demeanor in presidential campaigning and ultimate defeat.'''
** Jon Talton in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/13/opinions/joe-biden-flips-arizona-election-2020-talton/index.html ''McCain's revenge? Biden's win in Arizona is more than that''] (13 November 2020)

*We’re not going to support that loser’s funeral,.. What the fuck are we doing that for? Guy was a fucking loser,
**Quote  by [[President Trump]] (say anonymous sources) when McCain died in August 2018 according to [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/  Trump: Americans Who Died in War Are ‘Losers’ and ‘Suckers’] ([[w:the Atlantic|the Atlantic]] September 2020)
*It is not terror but heroism  if you were captured by the Vietnamese  for dropping fragmentation bombs  on their schools and hospitals  Only those who have nothing   can be terrorists.  
**Anonymous member of [[the Weather Underground]], “For the SLA”. ‘’Sing a Battle Song’’, Spring 1974. Likely a reference to McCain who was released the prior Spring.

* I know what he’s capable of — he’s capable of bigness that we didn’t see that in general election campaign that was run. I would hope that’s the path that he goes down. His political epitaph is going to be dictated by how he conducts himself in next six or 13 years. Will he be seen as a giant of the Senate who came back from a presidential loss like Scoop Jackson, [[Robert Taft]] or [[Ted Kennedy]], or will he go down a different path? Only he can decide it.
** John Weaver, as quoted in [https://www.politico.com/blogs/ben-smith/2009/12/mccain-party-man-023432 ''McCain, party man''] (11 December 2019)

==Footnotes==
&lt;references /&gt;

== External links == 
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}
*{{wikisource-inline|Author:John McCain}}
* [http://mccain.senate.gov/ Official site] 
* [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18573163/ Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) discusses his 2008 presidential bid]

{{DEFAULTSORT:McCain, John}}
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      <text bytes="176553" xml:space="preserve">[[File:John McCain.jpg|thumb|Your [[character]] is not [[tested]] on occasions of public scrutiny or acclaim. It is not tested in [[moments]] when the object of your actions is the regard of another. Your character is what you are to yourself, not what you [[pretend]] to be to yourself or others.]]
'''[[w:John McCain|John Sidney McCain III]]''' ([[29 August]] [[1936]] - [[25 August]] [[2018]]) was an American politician, statesman, and [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]] officer who served as a [[w:United States Senator|United States Senator]] for [[Arizona]] from 1987 until his death in 2018. He previously served two terms in the [[w:United States House of Representatives|United States House of Representatives]] and was the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] nominee for [[president of the United States]] in the [[w:2008 United States presidential election|2008 election]], which he lost to [[Barack Obama]].

==Quotes==
[[File:John McCain Official Other Version.jpg|thumb|I will not take the low road to the highest office in this land. I want the [[presidency]] in the best way, not the worst way.]]
[[File:Msc2012 20120205 014 Mc Cain during the panel Frank Plitt.jpg|thumb|I was in a conference in Germany over the weekend and president [[Putin]] of [[Germany]] gave one of the old [[Cold War]] style speeches.]]
[[File:John McCain official photo portrait.JPG|thumb|You are [[blessed]]. Make the most of it.]]
[[File:Msc2011 dett mccain 0349.jpg|thumb|No one of good [[character]] leaves behind a wasted [[life]].]]
[[File:John McCain - Guard Association of the United States General Conference.jpg|thumb|[[Human]] beings are still capable of [[violence]] and [[cruelty]]. We all succumb to [[sin]].]]
[[File:President Barack Obama and Senator John McCain press conference.jpg|thumb|Whatever our [[differences]], we are [[fellow]] [[Americans]]. And please [[believe]] me when I say no association has ever [[meant]] more to me than that.]]
[[File:Flickr - europeanpeoplesparty - EPP in the USA (18).jpg|thumb|There is [[nothing]] that's off the table. I have my positions and I'll articulate them.]]
[[File:Reagans with John McCain 1987.jpg|thumb|I will [[work]] with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. I will listen to any [[idea]] that is offered in [[good faith]] and intended to help [[solve]] our [[problems]], not make them [[worse]].]]
[[File:John McCain official portrait 2009.jpg|thumb|I've got to give you some [[Honesty|straight talk]].]]
[[File:Flag of the United States.svg|thumb|I lived and [[died]] a proud American. We are [[citizens]] of the [[world]]’s greatest [[republic]], a [[nation]] of [[ideals]], not blood and soil. We are [[blessed]] and are a blessing to [[humanity]] when we uphold and advance those ideals at home and in the world. We have [[helped]] [[liberate]] more [[people]] from [[tyranny]] and [[poverty]] than ever before in history. We have acquired great [[wealth]] and [[power]] in the process.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States (1777-1795).svg|thumb|[[America]], the only [[nation]] ever founded in the name of [[liberty]].]]
[[File:Barack Obama speaks about contracting reform 3-4-09 2.jpg|thumb|We must meet as [[Americans]], not as [[Democrats]] or [[Republicans]], and we must meet until this [[crisis]] is resolved.]]
[[File:Raustadt Photo of McCain-1.JPG|thumb|I would rather have a clean [[government]], than one where 'First Amendment rights' are being respected, that has become [[corrupt]].]]
[[File:Interview_with_Lt._Comdr._John_S._McCain.jpg|thumb|Only a [[fool]] or a [[fraud]] talks tough or romantically about [[war]].]]
[[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|I will [[fight]], but we will be respectful. I admire Senator [[Barack Obama|Obama]] and his accomplishments, I will [[respect]] him. I want everyone to be respectful, and let's make sure we are, because that's the way [[politics]] should be conducted in [[America]].]]
[[File:1.12.02NewYorkStockExchangeByLuigiNovi1.jpg|thumb|You know that there’s been tremendous turmoil in our financial markets and Wall Street.]]
[[File:Marriner S. Eccles Federal Reserve Board Building.jpg|thumb|I'm glad whenever they cut interest rates, I wish interest rates were zero.]]
[[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|[[Barack Obama|He]]'s a decent, family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about.]]
[[File:020112-M-2375M-505 Memorial Service Kandahar.jpg|thumb|[[America]] is the greatest [[force]] for [[good]] in the [[history]] of the [[world]].]]
[[File:Flickr - Official U.S. Navy Imagery - Funeral services for Lt. Christopher Mosko. (2).jpg|thumb|[[Americans]] are very frustrated, and they have every right to be. We’ve wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American [[lives]].]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|[[People]] have come to this country from everywhere, and people from everywhere have made [[America]] [[great]].]]
[[File:San Francisco, California. Flag of allegiance pledge at Raphael Weill Public School, Geary and Buch . . . - NARA - 537476.tif|thumb|[[Respect]] for the [[God]]-given [[dignity]] of every [[human]] being, no matter their race, ethnicity or other circumstances of their birth, is the [[essence]] of American [[patriotism]]. To believe otherwise is to [[oppose]] the very [[idea]] of America.]]
[[File:Chapmans Coffin.jpg|thumb|As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me and I [[hope]] it would be fine with you.]]
[[File:Yellow sunrise.JPG|thumb|We're no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of [[success]].]]
[[File:Singaporesurrender.jpg|thumb|We're Americans, and we'll never [[surrender]]. They will.]]
[[File:Nyamata Memorial Site 13.jpg|thumb|We are always, despite our advances, only one [[sin]] away from slipping into the abyss of [[terror]] and [[ignorance]].]]
[[File:Sow with piglet.jpg|thumb|I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.]]
[[File:B-2 Spirit original.jpg|thumb|Bomb, bomb! Bomb, [[Iran]]!]]
[[File:1-5 Marines in Fallujah 07 April 204.jpg|thumb|It's a tough [[war]] we're in. It's not going to be over right away.]]
[[File:Nanking bodies 1937.jpg|thumb|[[War]] is wretched beyond description, and only a [[fool]] or a [[fraud]] could sentimentalize its cruel [[reality]].]]
[[File:111th US Senate class photo.jpg|thumb|They're the [[government]]; sooner or later we are going to have to deal with them, one way or another.]]
[[File:Keithellison.jpg|thumb|I would vote for a [[Muslim]] if he or she was the best candidate able to lead the country and defend our political [[values]].]]
[[File:Marlboro4wiki2.JPG|thumb|Maybe [[w:Cigarette|that's]] a way of killing [[w:Iranian peoples|them]].]]
[[File:Flag of Pennsylvania at Pittsburgh International Airport - 01.JPG|thumb|Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about western [[Pennsylvania]] lately. I couldn't agree with them more.]]
[[File:Camp x-ray detainees.jpg|thumb|This is a [[moral]] [[debate]]. It is about who we are. I don’t mourn the loss of any terrorist's life.]]
&lt;!-- [[File:Cindy McCain.jpg|thumb|I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago.]]
[[File:Cindy McCain testifies to Congress on the Democratic Republic of Congo..jpg|thumb|At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.]]
[[File:Chelsea Clinton in 2008 cropped.jpg|thumb|Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.]] --&gt; 
[[File:Eddie Albert Eva Gabor Green Acres 1969.JPG|thumb|I spent five and a half years in [[prison]]. The worst part was coming home and finding out ''[[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]'' had been cancelled. What the hell was I fighting for?]]
[[File:Pavnattack.jpg|thumb|I [[hate]] the gooks. I will hate them as long as I [[live]].]]
[[File:Vladimir_Putin_in_KGB_uniform.jpg|thumb|I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a [[w:KGB|'K', a 'G', and a 'B']].]]
===1980s===
* I can't believe a guy that handsome wouldn't have some impact.
** On [[George H. W. Bush]]'s selection of [[Dan Quayle]] as VP nominee, as quoted in &quot;Bush taps Quayle for VP&quot; (17 August 1988), by Jeff Mapes, ''The Oregonian'', p. A01.

===1990s===
* Like every other 13-year-old in America, she's in love with [[Leonardo DiCaprio]], who I think is an androgynous wimp. You know what he does throughout the whole movie ''[[Titanic]]''? He smokes.
** On his daughter, in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/campaigns/wh2000/stories/wh060898.htm ''The Washington Post'' (8 June 1998)]

* '''America, the only nation ever founded in the name of liberty, never had a more ardent champion of liberty than Barry Goldwater. Simply put, Barry Goldwater was in love with freedom.'''
** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/05/29/national/main10557.shtml &quot;Goldwater Called 'Great Patriot'&quot; at ''CBS News'' (29 May 1998)] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLATQAU-Hw0]
**McCain was Barry Goldwater's 1986 senate successor from Arizona.

* Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is [[w:Janet Reno|Janet Reno]].
**GOP fund-raiser, Washington D.C., (June 1998)&lt;ref&gt;{{cite news 
 | author = the Flash
 | title = Flashes - That's Senator McNasty to You
 | url = http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/1998-06-18/news/flashes/
 | work = Phoenix New Times
 | publisher = Village Voice Media
 | date = 1998-06-18
 | accessdate = 2007-02-19
 | quote = The Washington Post broke the news last week of yet another McCain gaffe, made during a GOP fund raiser at a D.C. steak house. But neither the Post nor any other national publication that the Flash knows of actually printed the joke. To its credit, the Arizona Republic did. Here goes: ...
}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;{{cite web
| url = http://www.salon.com/news/1998/06/25newsb.html
| title = A joke too bad to print?
| accessdate = 2007-02-09
| last = Corn
| first = David
| work = Salon.com
| publisher = Salon.com
| archiveurl = http://web.archive.org/web/20000229090904/http://www.salon.com/news/1998/06/25newsb.html
| archivedate = 1998-06-25
}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;{{cite web
| url = http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml
| title = McCain's Out-of-Control Anger
| accessdate = 2007-02-09
| last = Kessler
| first = Ronald
| date = 2006-07-05
| work = NewsMax.com
| publisher = NewsMax.com
| archivedate = 2007-02-08
| archiveurl = http://web.archive.org/web/20060721082127/http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml
| quote = &quot;… only a few news outlets, like the Phoenix New Times in Arizona and the National Journal, that ran an Associated Press story reporting McCain's 1998 joke suggesting that Chelsea Clinton was ugly and Janet Reno and Hillary Clinton were lesbians.&quot;
}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* War is wretched beyond description, and only a fool or a fraud could sentimentalize its cruel reality. 
** [http://mccain.senate.gov/index.cfm?fuseaction=Newscenter.ViewPressRelease&amp;Content_id=820 Speech to the American Red Cross &quot;Promise of Humanity&quot; conference] (6 May 1999).

* Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in return.
** As quoted in [http://www.issues2002.org/Senate/John_McCain_Principles_&amp;_Values.htm &quot;Faith of My Fathers&quot;] (9 November 1999).

====Speech at [[w:Ohio Wesleyan University|Ohio Wesleyan University]] (1997)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/press-releases?ID=A3ADC4C1-84A7-4FFF-B5ED-3C5DC243F25F Address at Ohio Wesleyan University (11 May 1997)]&lt;/small&gt;   
* The times we live in are alternately derided for their failings and romanticized for their emerging opportunities. It sometimes seems that we now live amid greater violence, greater uncertainty; that the world suffers more conflicts and tragedies; that the poor are poorer and greater in number; that race, ethnicity and nationalism divide us more intractably than ever before. &lt;br&gt; But that is not so. Human beings are still capable of violence and cruelty. We all succumb to sin. But look back at any preceding century or even just a few decades, and you will see cruelty, violence and misery on a scale that is, with few exceptions, unknown today.

* Mankind has advanced. Human progress is ceaseless. We can look at Bosnia or Zaire or Rwanda and conclude that building just societies is a fool's errand. We are always, despite our advances, only one sin away from slipping into the abyss of terror and ignorance. &lt;br&gt;But that is not so. Generations upon generations have driven the human race farther and farther from darkness. Past episodes of abominable human cruelty are kept vivid in the memories of succeeding generations. &quot;Never again,&quot; is the admonition passed from the survivors of the Holocaust to their descendants and to us all. And although such an important reminder will not always prevent the occurrence of cruelty and violence even at levels approaching genocide, the civilized world is more inclined to organize opposition to such tragedies if not as early as we should, at least sooner than we once would have.

* No one of good character leaves behind a wasted life — whether they die in obscurity or renown. &quot;Character,&quot; wrote the 19th Century evangelist, Dwight Moody, &quot;is what you are in the dark.&quot; Your character is not tested on occasions of public scrutiny or acclaim. It is not tested in moments when the object of your actions is the regard of another. Your character is what you are to yourself, not what you pretend to be to yourself or others. Although human beings often attempt self-delusion, we cannot forever hide the truth about ourselves from ourselves. It will make itself known to us by means of our conscience despite our most strenuous effort to suppress it.

* Like most people of my age, I feel a longing for what is lost and cannot be restored. But if the happy pursuits and casual beauty of youth prove ephemeral, something better can endure, and endure until our last moment on earth. And that is the honor we earn and the love we give if at a moment in our lives we sacrifice for something greater than self-interest. &lt;br&gt; We cannot choose the moments. They arrive unbidden by us. We can choose to let the moments pass, and avoid the difficulties they entail. But the loss we would incur by that choice is much dearer than the tribute we once paid to vanity and pleasure.

* You have at hand many examples of good character from whom you will have learned the lessons by which you can live your own lives. You are blessed. Make the most of it.

===2000s===
* I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out ''[[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]'' had been cancelled. What the hell was I fighting for?
** Comedy sketch on ''[http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/celebritysecrets/mccain.shtml Late Night with Conan O'Brien]'' (2000) 

* I hate the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live.
** Statement about his North Vietnamese prison guards, in response to a question asked by reporters aboard his campaign bus. (17 February 2000) He later refused to apologize for using a racial slur, stating: &quot;I was referring to my prison guards, and I will continue to refer to them in language that might offend some people because of the beating and torture of my friends.&quot; [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2000/02/18/MN32194.DTL ''San Francisco Chronicle'' (18 February 2000)]

* I will not take the low road to the highest office in this land. I want the presidency in the best way, not the worst way.
** [http://www.votesmart.org/speech_detail.php?sc_id=72173 ''Remarks following the South Carolina Primary''] (19 February 2000).

* Neither party should be defined by pandering to the outer reaches of American politics and the agents of intolerance, whether they be [[Louis Farrakhan]] and [[Al Sharpton]] on the left, or [[Pat Robertson]] or [[Jerry Falwell]] on the right.
** Address at Virginia Beach (2000), as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20000228/aponline165646_000.htm ''The Washington Post''] (28 February 2000).

* By 2008, I think I might be ready to go down to the old soldiers home and await the cavalry charge there.
** As quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/election/july-dec00/mccain_8-1.html ''NewsHour with Jim Lehrer''] (1 August 2000).

* The vice president has two duties. One is to inquire daily as to the health of the president, and the other is to attend the funerals of third world dictators. And neither of those do I find an enjoyable exercise. 
** In response to question by Tim Russert on how he would respond if George W. Bush asked him to be his vice presidential running mate in 2000. Interview on ''Meet the Press''. Originally aired 3 March 2000. Aired again as a clip 15 June 2008 ([http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25171251/page/3/ transcript]).

*I am reminded of the words of Chairman Mao: It's always darkest before it goes completely black.
**As quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/mccain-wraps-it-up/ &quot;McCain Wraps It Up&quot;] (5 March 2008), by Andante Higgins, ''CBS News''

====2001====
* There is some indication, and I don’t have the conclusions, but some of this anthrax may — and I emphasize may — have come from Iraq.
**[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/08/01/mccain-anthrax-iraq/ ''David Letterman''] (18 October 2001), linking anthrax attacks in the U.S. to Iraq.

====2002====
* Because I know that as successful as I believe we will be, and I believe that the success [in Iraq] will be fairly easy, we will still lose some American young men or women. And that's a great tragedy.
**Appearance on [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0209/24/lkl.00.html ''Larry King Live''], (24 September 2002)

=====''Worth the Fighting For'' (2002)=====
* Many families could not and should not have been expected to abandon hope that their sons, husbands, and brothers who had disappeared in the jungles of Vietnam might yet be returned to them. And many good people, who shared their hope and had come to their assistance, were motivated by the most admirable of intentions, to keep faith with Americans who had done all that duty asked of them. But these good intentions and understandable emotions also drew the attention of people with less honorable purposes. There came to exist in America, and elsewhere in the years that followed the Vietnam War, a small cottage industry made up of swindlers, dime-store Rambos, and just plain old conspiracy nuts who preyed on the emotions of the families and on the attention of ofﬁcials who were dedicated to the search for our missing. They had helped convince many of the families and a few members of Congress that the US. government had knowingly abandoned American servicemen in Vietnam and that ﬁve successive presidential administrations had covered up the crime. It was among the most damaging and most hurtful of all the lies about the Vietnam War that I ever encountered.
** pp. 235 - 236

* I didn't decide to run for president to start a national crusade for the political reforms I believed in, or to run a campaign as if it were some grand act of patriotism. In truth, I wanted to be president because it had become my ambition to be president.
** p. 373

====2004====

*When you’re in the midst, it feels like it will never end. But you keep going and moving forward—and suddenly you’re looking back on the [[pain]] rather than living it.
**As quoted in ''Stronger'', by Cindy McCain

=====Speech at the Republican National Convention (2004)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gwu.edu/~action/2004/repconv04/mccain083004sp.html Speech at the Republican National Convention (30 August 2004)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The awful events of September 11, 2001 declared a war we were vaguely aware of, but hadn't really comprehended how near the threat was, and how terrible were the plans of our enemies.&lt;br&gt;It's a big thing, this war.&lt;br&gt;It's a fight between a just regard for human dignity and a malevolent force that defiles an honorable religion by disputing God's love for every soul on earth. It's a fight between right and wrong, good and evil.&lt;br&gt;And should our enemies acquire for their arsenal the chemical, biological and nuclear weapons they seek, this war will become a much bigger thing.&lt;br&gt;So it is, whether we wished it or not, that we have come to the test of our generation, to our rendezvous with destiny.&lt;br&gt;And much is expected of us.&lt;br&gt;We are engaged in a hard struggle against a cruel and determined adversary.&lt;br&gt;Our enemies have made clear the danger they pose to our security and to the very essence of our culture ...liberty.&lt;br&gt;Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war.&lt;br&gt;Like all wars, this one will have its ups and downs.&lt;br&gt;But we must fight. We must.

* As we've been a good friend to other countries in moments of shared perils, so we have good reason to expect their solidarity with us in this struggle. That is what the President believes.&lt;br&gt;And, thanks to his efforts we have received valuable assistance from many good friends around the globe, even if we have, at times, been disappointed with the reactions of some. I don't doubt the sincerity of my Democratic friends. And they should not doubt ours.

* What our enemies have sought to destroy is beyond their reach. It cannot be taken from us. It can only be surrendered.&lt;br&gt;My friends, we are again met on the field of political competition with our fellow countrymen. It is more than appropriate, it is necessary that even in times of crisis we have these contests, and engage in spirited disagreement over the shape and course of our government.&lt;br&gt;We have nothing to fear from each other. We are arguing over the means to better secure our freedom, and promote the general welfare. But it should remain an argument among friends who share an unshaken belief in our great cause, and in the goodness of each other.&lt;br&gt;We are Americans first, Americans last, Americans always. Let us argue our differences. But remember we are not enemies, but comrades in a war against a real enemy, and take courage from the knowledge that our [[military]] superiority is matched only by the superiority of our ideals, and our unconquerable love for them.&lt;br&gt;Our adversaries are weaker than us in arms and men, but weaker still in causes. They fight to express a hatred for all that is good in humanity.&lt;br&gt;We fight for love of freedom and justice, a love that is invincible. Keep that faith. Keep your courage. Stick together. Stay strong.&lt;br&gt;Do not yield. Do not flinch. Stand up. Stand up with our President and fight.&lt;br&gt;We're Americans.&lt;br&gt;We're Americans, and we'll never surrender.&lt;br&gt;They will.

====2005====
* I think one of our big problems has been the fact that many Iraqis resent American military presence. And I don't pretend to know exactly Iraqi public opinion. But as soon as we can reduce our visibility as much as possible, the better I think it is going to be.
**As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6895182/ ''MSNBC''] (31 January 2005)

* I am sure that Senator [[Hillary Clinton|Clinton]] would make a good president. I happen to be a Republican and would support, obviously, a Republican nominee, but I have no doubt that Senator Clinton would make a good president.
** As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7003226/ ''Meet the Press''] (20 February 2005)

*[[Mike Murphy (political consultant)|Mike]] is the most entertaining, most knowledgeable, and most insightful guy I have ever dealt with. I am constantly entertained by him.
**As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20060307070315/http://www.boston.com:80/news/politics/president/articles/2005/06/12/romney_guru_thrives_in_political_show_business/?page=full &quot;Romney guru thrives in political 'show business'&quot;] (12 June 2005), by Brian C. Mooney, ''The Boston Globe''

* General [[w:Richard Myers|Myers]] seems to [[Assumption|assume]] that things have gone well in Iraq. General Myers seems to assume that the American people, the support for our conflict there is not eroding. General Myers seems to assume that everything has gone fine and our declarations of victory, of which there have been many, have not had an impact on American public opinion. &lt;BR&gt;Things have not gone as we had planned or expected, nor as we were told by you, General Myers. And that's why I'm very worried, because I think we have to win this conflict.
** Comments made to General Richard Myers in [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec05/hearings_9-29.html U.S. Senate hearings into the Iraq War] (29 September 2005)

* I'm going to be honest: I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated.
** As quoted in [http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110007600 ''Wall Street Journal''] (26 November 2005), by Stephen Moore

====2006====
* I don't think I need to tell you that there are jobs that Americans will not do. I don't think I have to tell you that there are. … [audience response] Now, my friends, I'll offer anybody here fifty dollars an hour if you'll go pick lettuce in Yuma this season and pick for the whole season. [audience response] So, OK, sign up! Ok, when you sign up, you sign up, and you'll be there for the whole season, the whole season, OK, not just one day. Because you can't do it, my friend.
** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12155322/ Declaring at an AFL-CIO convention in April 2006 that no Americans would be willing to do agricultural work for as little as $50/hour].

*The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy,' then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it.
**Speaking about [[w:Don't ask, don't tell|Don't ask, don't tell]], before students at [[w:Iowa State University|Iowa State University]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|work=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]|publisher=[[w:The Washington Post Company|The Washington Post Company]]|date=February 3, 2010|first=Michael D. |last=Shear|title=McCain appears to shift on 'don't ask, don't tell'|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/02/AR2010020202588.html|accessdate=2010-10-28}}

* They're the government; sooner or later we are going to have to deal with them, one way or another, and I understand why this administration and previous administrations had such antipathy towards Hamas because of their dedication to violence and the things that they not only espouse but practice, so . . . but it's a new reality in the Middle East. I think the lesson is people want security and a decent life and decent future, that they want democracy. Fatah was not giving them that.
** [http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/16/1029617.aspx Interview with James P. Rubin] (2006)

* I don’t know if I would want him as vice president. He and I have the same strengths. But to serve in other capacities? Hell, yeah.
** [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/11000.html In an interview to the Weekly Standard] regarding his interest in [[Dick Cheney]] serving in McCain's administration (2006)

* I work in Washington and I know that money corrupts. And I and a lot of other people were trying to stop that corruption. Obviously, from what we've been seeing lately, we didn't complete the job. But '''I would rather have a clean government than one where 'First Amendment rights' are being respected''' that has become corrupt. If I had my choice, I'd rather have the clean government.
**On the [[Don Imus]] show&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/10/AR2006051001787.html Our Right And His Wrongs, George F. Will]&lt;/ref&gt; (28 April 2006)

====2007====
* [I]n the words of [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]], 'It's darkest before it's totally black.'
** In response to a reporter's question, &quot;Which is more likely: making progress in Iraq or you winning the nomination?&quot; (July 2007) &lt;ref name=Liasson&gt;Liasson, Mara. [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12000037 McCain Nearly Broke But Stays Course]. ''National Public Radio''. [[July 7]], [[2007]].&lt;/ref&gt;

* Contracting a fatal disease.
** In response to a reporter's question, &quot;Are there any circumstances under which you could imagine yourself not still being a candidate when the presidential primaries are held?&quot; (July 2007) &lt;ref name=Liasson/&gt;

* While I don't in any way question your honor, your patriotism or your service to our country, I do question some of the decisions, the judgments you’ve made over the past two and a half years. During that time things have gotten markedly and progressively worse.
** To General [[w:George W. Casey, Jr.|George Casey]] in his confirmation hearing as the nominee for Army Chief of Staff, before the Senate Armed Services Committee (1 February 2007) [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16915520/]

* We are paying a very heavy price for the mismanagement -- that's the kindest word I can give you -- of [[Donald Rumsfeld]], of this war. The price is very, very heavy and I regret it enormously. I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history.
** {{cite news 
 | author = Associated Press
 | title = McCain blasts Rumsfeld for Iraq war missteps
 | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17231371/from/RS.5/
 | work = MSNBC.com
 | date = 2007-02-19
 | accessdate = 2007-02-20
}}

* Americans are very frustrated, and they have every right to be. We’ve wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American lives.
** Discussing the Iraq War on the ''[[w:Late Show with David Letterman|Late Show with David Letterman]]'' (28 February 2007)
** {{cite news 
 | author = Associated Press
 | title = McCain to formally announce bid in April
 | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17389011/
 | work = MSNBC.com
 | date = 2007-03-01
 | accessdate = 2007-03-01
}}

* I'm not running for president to be somebody, but to do something; to do the hard but necessary things not the easy and needless things.
** Senator McCain's announcement speech for his [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McCain_presidential_campaign,_2008 2008 presidential bid] (25 April 2007)
** Full text of the speech can be found [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/25/us/politics/26mccain_text.html here on The New York Times]

* [On presidential candidates not condemning the controversial [[w:MoveOn|MoveOn.org]] ad in ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]''.] If you're not tough enough to repudiate a scurrilous, outrageous attack such as that, then I don't know how you're tough enough to be president of the United States.
** As quoted in [http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2007/09/16/sister_souljah_moments/ The Boston Globe''] (16 September 2007)

* I have not been keeping up with it as much as I should have maybe, because it’s certainly—This and [[w:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]] are the kind of issues that seem to get a lot more attention than maybe some of us think they deserve.
** On being asked whether [[w:O. J. Simpson|O. J. Simpson]] could get a fair trial in the [[w:O. J. Simpson Las Vegas robbery case|robbery case]], in a  [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20838374/ televised interview] on [[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|''Hardball with Chris Matthews'']], 17 September 2007

* I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the best candidate able to lead the country and defend our political values.
** upon calling the reporter after said [http://www.beliefnet.com/story/220/story_22001_1.html|the interview], to clarify his position

* I'm glad whenever they cut interest rates, I wish interest rates were zero.
** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21221689/ Republican presidential debate] (9 October 2007)

* I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.
** Criticizing Hillary Clinton's health-care plan as being &quot;eerily reminiscent&quot; of the plan she advocated as First Lady, 11 October 2007 [http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/washingtondc/la-na-campaign10-2008sep10,0,311675.story]

* I am prepared. I need no on-the-job training. I wasn't a mayor for a short period of time. I wasn't a governor for a short period of time.
** In Republican presidential debate, Orlando, Florida, 21 October 2007 [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/21/us/politics/21debate-transcript.html?pagewanted=3]

* Our recommitment to Afghanistan must include increasing NATO forces, suspending the debilitating restrictions on when and how those forces can fight, expanding the training and equipping of the Afghan National Army through a long-term partnership with NATO to make it more professional and multiethnic, and deploying significantly more foreign police trainers.
** In [http://www.foreignaffairs.org/20071101faessay86602/john-mccain/an-enduring-peace-built-on-freedom.html?mode=print Foreign Affairs Magazine] on the idea of sending NATO troops to Afghanistan instead of US forces, November 2007

* I just want to also say that [[Ron Paul|Congressman Paul]], I've heard him now in many debates talk about bringing our troops home, and about the war in Iraq and how it's failed. And I want to tell you that that kind of isolationism, sir, is what caused World War II. We allowed... We allowed -- we allowed Hitler to come to power with that kind of attitude of isolationism and appeasement.
** The CNN/YouTube Republican presidential debate [http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/28/debate.transcript/]

* The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should. I’ve got Greenspan’s book.... I've never been involved in Wall Street, I've never been involved in the financial stuff, the financial workings of the country, so I'd like to have somebody intimately familiar with it.
** Referring to a potential Vice President, 18 December 2007 [http://www.newsweek.com/id/103730/page/3][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/14/opinion/14krugman.html?_r=3&amp;hp&amp;oref=slogin&amp;oref=login&amp;oref=slogin]

====2008====
* I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a 'K', a 'G', and a 'B'.
** On [[Vladimir Putin]]

* There is no greater vocation than to serve. But there is no greater purpose than to love. Live a life that does both, and you’ll be truly happy.
** Letter of advice to British diplomat Tom Fletcher's son. [https://twitter.com/TFletcher/status/1033597850729570304]

* Maybe 100. As long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded or killed, it's fine with me and I hope it would be fine with you if we maintain a presence in a very volatile part of the world where al-Qaeda is training, recruiting, equipping and motivating people every single day.
** When asked at a town hall meeting prior to the 2008 New Hampshire Primary about a Bush statement that U.S. troops could be in Iraq for  50 years. 3 January 2008 [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/14/mccain.king/index.html]

* I've got to give you some straight talk: Some of the jobs that have left the state of Michigan are not coming back. They are not. And I am sorry to tell you that.
** {{#formatdate:2008-01-09}}, [http://boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/14/same_state_different_message_for_michigans_economy/]

* I love him dearly. On issues of economics and … [[family]] [[values]], there's nobody that I know that's stronger.
** On campaign economic adviser Phil Gramm; 18 January 2008; [http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/011908dnpolgramm.2d19db0.html]

* It's a tough war we're in. It's not going to be over right away. There's going to be other wars. I'm sorry to tell you, there's going to be other wars. We will never surrender but there will be other wars. And right now - we're gonna have a lot of [[w:Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder|PTSD]] to treat, my friends. We're gonna have a lot of combat wounds that have to do with these terrible explosive IEDs that inflict such severe wounds. And my friends, it's gonna be tough, we're gonna have a lot to do.
** {{#formatdate:2008-01-27}} [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/27/mccain-warns-there-will_n_83459.html]

* I have a clear record, both publicly and privately, of saying [[Samuel Alito|Alito]] and [[John Roberts|Roberts]] are what we want on the Supreme Court.
** {{#formatdate:2008-02-02}} [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22981093/]

* Anybody who believes the surge has not succeeded, militarily, politically and in most other ways, frankly, does not know the facts on the ground.
** February 2008 [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/17/world/middleeast/17mccain.html?_r=1&amp;ref=world&amp;oref=slogin]

* As part of Social Security reform, I believe that private savings accounts are a part of it -- along the lines that [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] proposed.
** February 2008 [http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB120451614688707083.html]

* As you know, there are al-Qaeda operatives that are taken back into Iran, given training as leaders, and they're moving back into Iraq.
** The Hugh Hewitt Show. {{#formatdate:2008-03-17}}, [http://hughhewitt.townhall.com/talkradio/transcripts/Transcript.aspx?ContentGuid=ae522a49-6c82-4791-a76e-44ebb718bf32]

* It's common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq. That's well known. We continue to be concerned about the Iranians taking al-Qaeda into Iran and training them and sending them back.... I am sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda, not al-Qaeda, I am sorry.
** [http://web.archive.org/web/20080324115205/http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gtqD_x9yYIuq_7S2dimSjMV5qRmg During an official visit in Amman, Jordon, making a statement and then being corrected by Senator Joe Lieberman] (18 March 2008)

* Let me say that no one has supported President Bush on Iraq more than I have.
** In an interview on [[w:Mike Gallagher|Mike Gallagher]]'s conservative radio talk show, [[2 April]] [[2008]] [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/TheNote/Story?id=4760180&amp;page=2]

*We can be slow as well to give greatness its due, a mistake I made myself long ago when I voted against a federal holiday in memory of Dr. [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]]. I was wrong. I was wrong. And eventually realized that, in time to give full support for a state holiday in Arizona. I'd remind you we can all be a little late sometimes in doing the right thing, and Dr. King understood this about his fellow Americans
**[https://inkslwc.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/mccain-was-wrong-voting-against-martin-luther-king-holiday-how-other-congressional-members-voted/ Speech at National Civil Rights Museum] (4 April 2008), Memphis, Tennessee

* We're no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success.
** During General [[David Petraeus]]’ testimony before Congress on the military “surge” strategy in Iraq. 8 April 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24007825/]

* I think if you look at the overall record and millions of jobs have been created, et cetera, et cetera, you could make an argument that there's been great progress economically over that period of time. But that's no comfort. That's no comfort to families now that are facing these tremendous economic challenges. But let me just add, Peter, the fundamentals of America's economy are strong.
** [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2008/04/john_mccain_on_bloomberg_tv.html Interview with Peter Cook on Bloomberg TV] regarding economic progress during the Bush administration, 17 April 2008

* In all candor, if I'd been President of the United States, I'd have ordered the plane landed at the nearest Air Force base, and I'd have been over here, ok? 
** On how he would have acted when Katrina made landfall if he had been president, [http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-mccain25apr25,1,7654195.story LA Times], despite being in Arizona with Pres. Bush during Katrina's landfall [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24352103/]; 25 April 2008

* To state the obvious, I thought it was wrong at the time... those statements and comments did not comport with the facts on the ground. … But do I blame [the President] for that specific banner? I can't blame him for that.
** 1 May 2008; [http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/05/01/candidates-weigh-in-on-5th-anniversary-of-mission-accomplished-banner/ Fox News]

* I made it very clear, at that time, before and after, that we will not negotiate with terrorist organizations, that Hamas would have to abandon their terrorism, their advocacy to the extermination of the state of Israel, and be willing to negotiate in a way that recognizes the right of the state of Israel and abandons their terrorist position and advocacy.
** [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5itzEFe8o5QDV0EFCZG6ZJDbJwdLQD90MUVJO0 Speaking in Charleston, West Virginia] (14 May 2008)

* If I am elected President, I will work with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. I will listen to any idea that is offered in good faith and intended to help solve our problems, not make them worse. I will seek the counsel of members of Congress from both parties in forming government policy before I ask them to support it. I will ask Democrats to serve in my administration. My administration will set a new standard for transparency and accountability. I will hold weekly press conferences. I will regularly brief the American people on the progress our policies have made and the setbacks we have encountered. When we make errors, I will confess them readily, and explain what we intend to do to correct them. I will ask Congress to grant me the privilege of coming before both houses to take questions, and address criticism, much the same as the Prime Minister of Great Britain [[w:Prime Minister's Questions|appears regularly]] before the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]].
**{{cite news |title=Text of McCain's Speech on First-Term Goals |url=http://blog.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/05/15/text_of_mccains_vision_of_2013.html |work= |publisher= washingtonpost.com |date=[[2008-05-15]] |accessdate=2008-06-01}}

* We have drawn down to pre-surge levels.
**29 May 2008 (a time when troops were not yet at pre-surge levels); [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42ke9Q-qXg4 YouTube]; see below for attempted recovery the following day

* Let me just say again, We have drawn down. Three of the five brigades are home. The Marines, the additional Marines are home. By the end of July, they will have been back.
** Restating his position that U.S. troops in Iraq have been drawn down to pre-surge levels; 30 May 2008; see above for misquote he was defending [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3719710/]

* Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.
** Campaign ad, quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21

* And I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago…
** Trying to make a joke, 26 June 2008 [http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/jun/27/mccains-yucca-song-and-dance/]

* Maybe that’s a way of killing them.
** [http://www.miamiherald.com/692/story/598054.html Making a wisecrack] about the health impact of cigarette smoking on Iran's citizens, 8 July 2008

* '''L.A. Times''': You voted against coverage of birth control, [against] forcing health insurance companies to cover birth control in the past.  Is that, is that still your position?&lt;br&gt;'''John McCain''': I'll look at my voting record on it, but … I don‘t recall the vote.&lt;br&gt;'''L.A.Times''': [Your campaign advisor's] statement was that it was unfair that health insurance companies [are forced by the government to] cover Viagra but not birth control. Do you have an opinion on that?&lt;br&gt;'''John McCain''': I don‘t know enough about it … I hadn‘t thought about it much.
** On McCain campaign advisor and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina's presenting mandatory birth control coverage as McCain's own position: &quot;Many health insurance plans cover Viagra, but won‘t cover birth control medications. Those women would like a choice.&quot; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25639007/]

* '''Vietnam vet:''' We haven't heard why you voted against your colleagues' proposals to increase health care funding in 2004, '05, '06, and '07, when we had troops coming back from two wars.&lt;br&gt;'''Madow:''' Instead of the answer the questioner is looking for, McCain now '''takes credit for the GI bill''' and takes a political shot at Jim Webb.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' On the issue of the GI bill, I was disappointed that Senator Webb didn't support making it permanent. Senator Graham, other veterans and I will be looking to extend that to all veterans, not just 2001. I hope you'll urge Senator Webb to agree with that.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' I received every award from every major veterans' organization in America. The reason is I have a perfect voting record from organizations like Veterans of Foreign Wars, the American Legion, and all the other veterans service organizations because of my support of them.&lt;br&gt;'''Vietnam vet:''' You do ''not'' have a perfect voting record by the DIV and the VFW. That's where these votes [of yours against increasing vet health care] are recorded. The votes were proposals by your colleagues in the Senate to increase health care funding of the VA in 2003, '04, '05, and '06 for troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, and you voted against those proposals. I can give you specific Senate votes, the numbers of those Senate votes right now.&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' I thank you, and I'll examine your version of what my voting record is, but again, I've been endorsed in every election by all of the veterans' organizations that do that. I've been supported by them, and I've received their highest rewards, from all of those organizations, so I guess they don't know something you know.&lt;br&gt;'''Rieckoff:''' [McCain's] voting record is not very strong.  The Disabled American Veterans gave him a 20% rating out of 100. Our organization, the IAVA, gave him a D rating in the last voting session. He does ''not'' have a perfect voting record from the VFW. He's consistently voted against increased funding of the VA, and he's been a major opponent of the new GI bill.
** Paul Rieckhoff of Iraq &amp; Afghanistan Veterans for America and author of ''Chasing Ghosts'', on ''Countdown'', discussing a town hall exchange between McCain and another Vietnam vet; 9 July 2008; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnyEMLXvgV8]
** IAVA ratings: McCain: D; Obama: B+ [http://www.iava.org/full-ratings-list]; DAV: McCain: 20%; Obama: 80%; the AL and VFW don't perform such voting record ratings [http://www.factcheck.org/askfactcheck/does_mccain_have_a_perfect_voting_record.html] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnyEMLXvgV8]

* I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia.
** In remarks to the press in Phoenix, 14 July 2008; [http://thepage.time.com/transcript-of-mccains-remarks-to-the-press-in-phoenix/] [http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/16196.html]

* The first telephones cost a thousand dollars and they were about that big! We all remember that!
** As quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mayhill-fowler/john-mccains-fake-town-ha_b_113041.html Albaquerque Town Hall Meeting] (15 July 2008)

* '''Diane Sawyer:''' Do you agree the situation in Afghanistan is precarious and urgent?&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' Well, I think it‘s very serious. I think it‘s a serious situation.&lt;br&gt;'''Sawyer:''' Not precarious and urgent?&lt;br&gt;'''McCain:''' Oh, I don‘t know exactly—run through the vocabulary. But it‘s a very serious situation. But there‘s a lot of things we need to do. We have a lot of work to do and I‘m afraid that it‘s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the ''Iraq/Pakistan border''.
** Good Morning America interview, after recent news that escalating insurgency and violent incidents had left around 2,500 people dead (over 700 of them civilians) since January of the same year in Afghanistan; 21 July 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25799429/]

* There is nothing that's off the table. I have my positions and I'll articulate them. But nothing's off the table.
** In response to a question regarding the possibility of payroll tax increases under a McCain presidency, 27 July 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25932581/]

* I will not raise your taxes, nor support a tax increase.
** As quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25950313/Town hall meeting] (30 July 2008)

* At the moment of conception.
** Question: &quot;At what point is a baby entitled to human rights?&quot;
** Saddleback Civil Forum with Pastor Rich Warren, 18 August 2008 [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/16/se.02.html]

* I think — I’ll have my staff get to you. It’s condominiums where — I’ll have them get to you.
** When asked [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0808/12685.html in an interview] how many houses he and Mrs. McCain owned, 20 August 2008

* Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.
** In an article in [[w:Contingencies|''Contingencies'']] magazine, September/October, 2008 [http://www.contingencies.org/septoct08/mccain.pdf]

* You know that there’s been tremendous turmoil in our financial markets and Wall Street. And it is – it’s – people are frightened by these events. Our economy, I think, still, the fundamentals are – of our economy are strong, but these are very, very difficult times. And I promise you, we will never put America in this position again. We will clean up Wall Street. We will reform government.
** Speaking at Jacksonville, Florida the day after the collapse of [[w:Lehman Brothers|Lehman Brothers]] and the sell-off of [[w:Merrill Lynch|Merrill Lynch]], 15 September 2007 [http://news.mywebpal.com/partners/680/public/news925950.html][http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/dc/2008/09/economic-fundamentals-strong.html]

* I don't know if you could ever say, quote &quot;mission accomplished,&quot; as much as you could say &quot;Americans are out of harm's way.&quot;
** On [[George W. Bush]]'s address aboard a ship with a banner reading &quot;mission accomplished&quot; behind him, at a town hall meeting in Des Moines, Iowa.[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24418639/] (1 May 2008)

* I believe that Carly Fiorina is a role model to millions of young American women. She started out as a part-time secretary and she ended up a CEO of one of the major corporations in America. I’m proud of her record and so I want everybody to know that Carly Fiorina is a person that I admire and respect.
** On campaign economic advisor [[Carly Fiorina]], 23 September 2008 [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/09/23/mccain_fiorina_a_role_model.html]

*Bomb, bomb! Bomb, Iran!
**As quoted in [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/the_big_picture/2008/10/maybe-john-mcca.html &quot;Maybe John McCain will bring back 'Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran'&quot;] (9 October 2008),''The Los Angeles Times''.

* Tomorrow morning, I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington. I have spoken to Senator Obama and informed him of my decision and have asked him to join me. We must meet as Americans, not as Democrats or Republicans, and we must meet until this crisis is resolved. I am directing my campaign to work with the Obama campaign and the Commission on Presidential Debates to delay Friday night's debate until we have taken action to address this crisis.
** Speaking to reporters in New York, regarding the need to pass legislation concerning the economic crisis, 24 September 2008 [http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-na-campaign25-2008sep25,0,766973.story]

* America is the greatest force for good in the history of the world.
** [http://www.nationalinterest.org/Article.aspx?id=19990 Second Presidential Debate] (8 October 2008)

* And we want a fight, and I will fight, but we will be respectful. I admire Senator Obama and his accomplishments, I will respect him and I want— ''[crowd boos]'' No, no, I want everyone to be respectful, and let's make sure we are, because that's the way politics should be conducted in America.
* '''Q:''' My wife and I are expecting our first child, in April 2nd, next year. And frankly, we're scared. We're scared of an Obama presidency...&lt;br /&gt;'''John McCain:''' First of all, I want to be President of the United States and obviously, I don't want Senator Obama to be. But, I have to tell you, he is a decent person, and a person that you do not have to be scared as President of the United States. Now, I just— ''[crowd boos]'' Now look, if I didn't think I would be one heck of a lot better president I wouldn't be runnin', okay, and that's the point.
* '''Q:''' I can't trust Obama. I have read about him and he's not, he's not, he's a, uh— he's an Arab. He's not— ''[McCain shakes head]'' No?&lt;br /&gt;'''John McCain:''' No, ma'am. No, ma'am. He's a decent, family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues and that's what this campaign is all about. He's not. Thank you.
** Town Hall meeting in Lakeville, Minnesota, {{#formatdate:2008-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2008-10-10
 | title = McCain Tries to Tame Flames He Earlier Fanned
 | publisher = YouTube
 | url = http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=Kf6YKOkfFsE
}}

* You may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more.
** [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/10/21/agreeing_to_disagree_or_someth.html Said in a speech] near Kansas City, Missouri, 20 October 2008.[http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/22/us/politics/22pennsylvania.html?hp]

=====Concession speech (2008)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hmJfimrZW3jBur_BmaFtqj7mfFgQD948JFJG5 Concession speech (4 November 2008)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Senator [[Barack Obama|Obama]] and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain. &lt;br&gt; These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face. &lt;br&gt; I urge all Americans … I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited. Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.
* I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here.

===== {{w|2008 Republican National Convention}} (2008) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/04/mccain.transcript/ Transcript] by ''{{w|CNN}}&lt;/small&gt;
* A word to Sen. Obama and his supporters. We'll go at it -- we'll go at it over the next two months -- you know that's the nature of this business -- and there are big differences between us. But you have my respect and my admiration. Despite our differences, much more unites us than divides us. We are fellow Americans, and that's an association that means more to me than any other. We're dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal and endowed by our creator with inalienable rights. No country -- no country ever had a greater cause than that. And I wouldn't be an American worthy of the name if I didn't honor Sen. Obama and his supporters for their achievement.
* All you've ever asked of your government is to stand on your side and not in your way. And that's what I intend to do: stand on your side and fight for your future.
* I've found just the right partner to help me shake up Washington, Gov. [[Sarah Palin]] of the great state of Alaska. ... She has an executive experience and a real record of accomplishment. She's tackled tough problems, like energy independence and corruption. She's balanced a budget, cut taxes, and she's taken on the special interests. She's reached across the aisle and asked Republicans, Democrats, and independents to serve in her administration. She's the wonderful mother of five children. She's -- she's helped run a small business. She's worked with her hands and knows -- and knows what it's like to worry about mortgage payments, and health care, and the cost of gasoline and groceries. She knows where she comes from, and she knows who she works for. She stands up for what's right, and she doesn't let anyone tell her to sit down.
* Change is coming.
* I don't work for myself. I work for you. I've fought corruption, and it didn't matter if the culprits were Democrats or Republicans. They violated their public trust, and they had to be held accountable.
* I've fought for the right strategy and more troops in Iraq when it wasn't the popular thing to do.
* I don't mind a good fight. For reasons known only to God, I've had quite a few tough ones in my life. But I learned an important lesson along the way: In the end, it matters less that you can fight. What you fight for is the real test.
* I fight for the family of Matthew Stanley of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. Matthew died serving our country in Iraq. I wear his bracelet and think of him every day. I intend to honor their sacrifice by making sure the country their son loved so well and never returned to remains safe from its enemies.
* We lost -- we lost the trust of the American people when some Republicans gave in to the temptations of corruption. We lost their trust when rather than reform government, both parties made it bigger. We lost their trust when instead of freeing ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties -- and Sen. Obama -- passed another corporate welfare bill for oil companies. We lost their trust when we valued our power over our principles. We're going to change that.
* In this country, we believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the opportunity to reach their God-given potential, from the boy whose descendents arrived on the Mayflower to the Latina daughter of migrant workers. We're all God's children, and we're all Americans. We believe -- we believe in low taxes, spending discipline, and open markets. We believe in rewarding hard work and risk-takers and letting people keep the fruits of their labor.
* Some may choose a better public school. Some may choose a private one. Many will choose a charter school. But they will have the choice, and their children will have that opportunity. Sen. Obama wants our schools to answer to unions and entrenched bureaucrats. I want schools to answer to parents and students.
* Sen. Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more drilling and without more nuclear power. But Americans know better than that. We must use all resources and develop all technologies necessary to rescue our economy from the damage caused by rising oil prices and restore the health of our planet.
* We have dealt a serious blow to Al Qaeda in recent years, but they're not defeated, and they'll strike us again, if they can. Iran remains the chief state sponsor of terrorism and is on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons.
* Russia's leaders, rich with oil wealth and corrupt with power, have rejected democratic ideals and the obligations of a responsible power. They invaded a small, democratic neighbor to gain more control over the world's oil supply, intimidate other neighbors, and further their ambitions of re-assembling the Russian empire.
* We face many dangerous threats in this dangerous world, but I'm not afraid of them. I'm prepared for them.
* I know how to secure the peace.
* I hate war. It's terrible beyond imagination.
* In America, we change things that need to be changed. Each generation makes its contribution to our greatness. The work that is ours to do is plainly before us; we don't need to search for it.
* The -- the constant partisan rancor that stops us from solving these problems isn't a cause. It's a symptom. It's what happens when people go to Washington to work for themselves and not for you.
* I've never lived a day, in good times or bad, that I didn't thank God for the privilege.
* I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else's. I loved it not just for the many comforts of life here. I loved it for its decency, for its faith in the wisdom, justice, and goodness of its people. I loved it because it was not just a place, but an idea, a cause worth fighting for. I was never the same again; I wasn't my own man anymore; I was my country's.
* Our country will be the better, and you will be the happier, because nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself.

====2009====
* Late evening with [[w:Muammar Quadafi|Col. Qadhafi]] at his &quot;ranch&quot; in Libya - interesting meeting with an interesting man.
** As quoted in [https://twitter.com/#!/senjohnmccain/status/3331878099 ''Twitter'']
===== Why we can -- and must -- win the war in Afghanistan =====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|CNN}}'' [http://www.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/10/28/mccain.afghan.war/index.html op-ed] (28 October 2009)&lt;/small&gt;
* For the first time since September 11, 2001, America is having a vigorous national debate about how to succeed in Afghanistan. This debate is entirely worth having. Whenever America sends its citizens into harm's way, it must do so with eyes wide open. Though no veteran would ever think of himself as &quot;pro-war,&quot; I believe that the fight in Afghanistan is critical to our national security. Our goals there are achievable and success is worth the continued sacrifice. '''We must succeed in Afghanistan for many reasons, but one stands above all: the world walked away from Afghanistan once, and it descended into a cauldron of violence, hatred and human rights atrocities that served as the base for the worst terrorist attack in history against our homeland.'''
* We cannot let that happen again, and we cannot let the Taliban and its al Qaeda allies conquer Afghanistan once more. Failure of this kind would also destabilize the entire strategically vital region, including nuclear-armed Pakistan. We know what it takes to succeed in Afghanistan: a resolute commitment to the principles of counterinsurgency, which turned Iraq around during the surge. I am confident that properly resourced counterinsurgency policy, adapted to the unique culture and geography of Afghanistan, can lead to success there. Our entire military chain of command supports this approach, as do our NATO allies, which they made clear at their recent defense ministerial meeting in Bratislava.
* I supported President Obama when he called for a counterinsurgency plan in March, and I did so again when he deployed Gen. Stanley McChrystal to lead the command in Kabul. I agree with our commander's assessment of the security situation as &quot;deteriorating&quot; and that our civilian and military leaders urgently need more resources, including more combat troops, to turn the tide toward success. I sympathize with our president, because sending men and women into harm's way is the most difficult decision that a commander-in-chief must make. However, Americans are already serving in harm's way in Afghanistan, and the sooner we can provide the reinforcements and resources they need, the safer and more successful they will be. So I am urging President Obama to move as quickly as possible to fully support Gen. McChrystal's request for more troops.
*It is true that the Afghan government is not as strong or credible as we would like, but that should not deter us from committing more civilian and military resources now. Local governments in counterinsurgency environments are usually weak and fledgling. There is an insurgency in the first place because it seeks to exploit the local population's dissatisfaction with its government. As long as Afghanistan is insecure, it is unreasonable to assume that governance will improve. That is why protecting the population must be job one right now, and in the immediate term, much of that work must be done by U.S. and NATO troops. As security improves, however, we will be able to train capable, battle-tested Afghan security forces that can defend their country. We can break the insurgency's momentum, enabling Afghans to reconcile with former fighters who are willing to lay down their arms. And we can create an environment of safety in which it is more realistic to expect Afghan leaders to meet the high standards of their fellow citizens and their international partners -- namely, the provision of justice and opportunity, the protection of human rights and a crackdown on corruption.
*Ultimately, Afghans will judge the legitimacy of their government not only by the result of one round of voting, but by its performance in delivering basic services. Success in Afghanistan will emerge, as it did in Iraq, when local leaders and citizens are more and more able to take responsibility for governing and securing their own sovereign country without substantial international assistance. This won't be perfect or easy, but it will allow America's fighting men and women to leave Afghanistan with honor, and it will enable Afghans to build a better, more peaceful future. That is our goal, and we must stay in the fight until it is won.

=== 2010s ===
* The U.S. does not involve itself in what is happening in the world's largest democracy, nor does it intend to do so.
** Describing [[India]]'s democracy as &quot;strong and successful&quot;, and brushed off the allegation of Congress spokesperson Rashid Alvi, who objected if the U.S. is involved in India's protests.

====2011====
* [[Osama bin Laden]]’s welcome death has ignited debate over whether the so-called enhanced interrogation techniques used on enemy prisoners were instrumental in locating bin Laden, and whether they are a justifiable means for gathering intelligence. &lt;br&gt; Much of this debate is a definitional one: whether any or all of these methods constitute torture. I believe some of them do, especially waterboarding, which is a mock execution and thus an exquisite form of torture. As such, they are prohibited by American laws and values, and I oppose them. … Mistreatment of enemy prisoners endangers our own troops, who might someday be held captive. While some enemies, and al-Qaeda surely, will never be bound by the principle of reciprocity, we should have concern for those Americans captured by more conventional enemies, if not in this war then in the next.
** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bin-ladens-death-and-the-debate-over-torture/2011/05/11/AFd1mdsG_story.html &quot;Bin Laden’s death and the debate over torture&quot; in ''The Washington Post'' (11 May 2011)]

* '''Though it took a decade to find bin Laden, there is one consolation for his long evasion of justice: He lived long enough to witness what some are calling the [[2010–2011 Middle East and North Africa protests|Arab Spring]], the complete repudiation of his violent ideology.''' &lt;br&gt; As we debate how the United States can best influence the course of the Arab Spring, can’t we all agree that the most obvious thing we can do is stand as an example of a nation that holds an individual’s human rights as superior to the will of the majority or the wishes of government? Individuals might forfeit their life as punishment for breaking laws, but even then, as recognized in our Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, they are still entitled to respect for their basic human dignity, even if they have denied that respect to others.
** &quot;Bin Laden’s death and the debate over torture&quot; in ''The Washington Post'' (11 May 2011)

* '''This is a moral debate. It is about who we are.''' I don’t mourn the loss of any terrorist’s life. What I do mourn is what we lose when by official policy or official neglect we confuse or encourage those who fight this war for us to forget that best sense of ourselves. Through the violence, chaos and heartache of war, through deprivation and cruelty and loss, we are always Americans, and different, stronger and better than those who would destroy us.
** As quoted in &quot;Bin Laden's death and the debate over torture&quot; (11 May 2011), ''The Washington Post''

* '''We did not learn [[w:Abu Ahmed al-Kuwaiti|Abu Ahmed]]’s real name or alias as a result of waterboarding or any &quot;enhanced interrogation technique&quot; used on a detainee in U.S. custody.''' None of the three detainees who were waterboarded provided Abu Ahmed’s real name, his whereabouts, or an accurate description of his role in Al-Qaeda. … In fact, not only did the use of &quot;enhanced interrogation techniques&quot; on [[w:Khalid Sheikh Mohammed|Khalid Sheikh Mohammed]] not provide us with key leads on bin Laden’s courier, Abu Ahmed; it actually produced false and misleading information. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed specifically told his interrogators that Abu Ahmed had moved to Peshawar, got married, and ceased his role as an Al-Qaeda facilitator — which was not true, as we now know. … '''It was not torture or cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment of detainees that got us the major leads that ultimately enabled our intelligence community to find [[Osama bin Laden]].''' … we are again engaged in this important debate, with much at stake for America’s security and reputation. '''Each side should make its own case, but do so without making up its own facts.'''
** On claims of waterboarding as being impedimental in as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/post/john-mccain-to-bush-apologists-stop-lying-about-bin-laden-and-torture/2011/03/03/AF10AnzG_blog.html &quot;John McCain to Bush apologists: Stop lying about Bin Laden and torture&quot; by Greg Sar in ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2011)] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I94Yb4KUic YouTube video of McCaine's speech]

* I can only express satisfaction that the Dear Leader is joining the likes of [[Gaddafi]], [[Osama bin Laden|bin Laden]], [[Hitler]], and [[Stalin]] '''in a warm corner of hell.'''
** [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075987/Kim-Jong-Il-dead-North-Korea-dictator-gone-join-Gaddafi-Bin-Laden-Hitler.html#ixzz2K6XX84Tov ''Daily Mail''] (19 December 2011), on the death of [[Kim Jong-il]].

====2012====
* You know, it's interesting for the president to say something that juvenile. I'm not picking on anyone. Again, as we just said, four Americans died! Is that picking on anybody when you want to place responsibility and find out what happened so that we can make sure it doesn't happen again?
** [http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/on-the-record/2012/11/15/mccain-obama-were-not-picking-anybody-we-want-answers-and-buck-stops-your-desk-mr-preside ''On the Record w/Greta van Susteren''], Fox News, {{#formatdate:2012-11-14}}
** regarding McCain's opposition to the potential nomination of ambassador Susan Rice to Secretary of State over her statements about the [[w:2012 Benghazi attack|2012 Benghazi attack]], and President Obama saying in a {{#formatdate:2012-11-14}} press conference, &quot;If Senator McCain and Senator Graham and others want to go after someone, they should go after me. And I'm happy to have that discussion with them. But for them to go after the United Nations ambassador, who had nothing to do with Benghazi and was simply making a presentation based on intel she had received, and to besmirch her reputation, is outrageous.&quot;

====2013====
* [[Barack Obama|The president]], comparing [[Vladimir Putin|him]] to a kid in the back of a classroom, I think, is very indicative of the president’s lack of appreciation of who [[Vladimir Putin]] is. He’s an old KGB colonel that has no illusions about our relationship, does not care about a relationship with the United States, continues to oppress his people, continues to act in an autocratic fashion.
** As quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2013/08/11/mccain-obamas-slouch-comment-dismissive-of-putin/ &quot;McCain: Obama's 'slouch' comment dismissive of Putin&quot;], (11 August 2013), ''The Washington Post''

* Why should you shake hands with somebody who's keeping Americans in prison? I mean, what's the point? [[Neville Chamberlain]] shook hands with [[Hitler]].
** Regarding U.S. President Barack Obama shaking the hand of Cuban President Raul Castro at a memorial for Nelson Mandela
** {{citation
 | date = 2013-12-10
 | title = The Takeaway
 | medium = Radio
}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2013-12-10
 | title = McCain On Obama-Castro Handshake: 'Chamberlain Shook Hands With Hitler' (Audio)
 | author = Tom Kludt
 | journal = Talking Points Memo
 | url = http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/mccain-on-obama-castro-handshake-chamberlain-shook-hands-with-hitler-audio
}}

====2014====
*The tide of war does not recede just because we wish it to.
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHcr2baBftE&amp;t=185s Remarks to AJC Global Forum] (12 May 2014)

====2015====
*While I suppose this means I’ll spend this Easter in Sedona rather than Siberia, I couldn’t be more proud of being sanctioned by Vladimir Putin for standing up for freedom and human rights for the Russian people and against Putin’s deadly aggression in Ukraine. I will never stop my efforts to support democracy, free speech, and the rule of law in Russia,
**[http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/john-mccain-russia-ban-116220.html#ixzz3bkitHxmA Remarks after being banned from entering Russia] (3 March 2015)

====2016====
*I don't give a damn what the President of the United States wants to do or what anybody else wants to do. We will not waterboard; we will not torture... We will not torture people... It doesn't work, my friends. It doesn't work. If you inflict enough pain on somebody long enough, they're going to tell you whatever they think you want to hear to have it stopped... There are accomplished interrogators who can gain the confidence of the suspect and gain all the information that they could possibly want... My God, what does it say about America if we're going to inflict torture on people? It makes it hard for us to make the argument about the moral superiority of our way of our government and our way of life.
**Regarding U.S. president-elect Donald J. Trump's intention to reintroduce the usage of torture by U.S. authorities, as quoted in [https://www.facebook.com/Channel4News/videos/10154266695396939/ &quot;John McCain attacks Donald Trump's torture stance&quot;] (21 November 2016), ''Channel 4 News''
===== Statement regarding the Khan family (1 August 2016) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Statement regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s comments about [[Khizr M. Khan|Khizr]] and Ghazala Khan, the parents of U.S. Army captain Humayun [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]], who was killed in Iraq in 2004 ([http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/01/politics/john-mccain-statement-khan-family/index.html transcript] by {{w|CNN}})&lt;/small&gt;
* I wear a bracelet bearing the name of a fallen hero, Matthew Stanley, which his mother, Lynn, gave me in 2007, at a town hall meeting in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. His memory and the memory of our great leaders deserve better from me.

* Make no mistake: I do not valorize our military out of some unfamiliar instinct. I grew up in a military family, and have my own record of service, and have stayed closely engaged with our armed forces throughout my public career. In the American system, the military has value only inasmuch as it protects and defends the liberties of the people.

* My father was a career naval officer, as was his father. For hundreds of years, every generation of McCains has served the United States in uniform. My sons serve today, and I'm [[proud]] of them. My youngest served in the war that claimed Captain [[w:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Khan]]'s life as well as in [[Afghanistan]]. I want them to be proud of me. I want to do the right thing by them and their comrades.

* Humayun Khan did exactly that — and he did it for all the right reasons. This accomplished young man was not driven to service as a United States Army officer because he was compelled to by any material need. He was inspired as a young man by his reading of Thomas Jefferson — and he wanted to give back to the country that had taken him and his parents in as immigrants when he was only two years old.

* Scripture tells us that 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.' Captain Humayun Khan of the United States Army showed in his final moments that he was filled and motivated by this love. His name will live forever in American memory, as an example of true American greatness.

* In the end, I am morally bound to speak only to the things that command my allegiance, and to which I have dedicated my life's work: the Republican Party, and more importantly, the United States of America. I will not refrain from doing my utmost by those lights simply because it may benefit others with whom I disagree. I claim no moral superiority over [[Donald Trump]]. I have a long and well-known public and private record for which I will have to answer at the Final Judgment, and I repose my hope in the promise of mercy and the moderation of age. I challenge the nominee to set the example for what our country can and should represent.

* While our Party has bestowed upon him the nomination, it is not accompanied by unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us.

* I'd like to say to [[Khizr M. Khan|Mr.]] and Mrs. Khan: thank you for immigrating to America. We're a better country because of you. And you are certainly right; your son was the best of America, and the memory of his sacrifice will make us a better nation -- and he will never be forgotten.

====2017====
[[File:Senator John McCain at a rally.jpg|thumb|right|We [[need]] a [[free press]]. We must have it. It's vital. If you want to preserve [...] [[democracy]] as we know it, you have to have a free and many times adversarial press. And without it, [...] we would lose so much of our individual [[liberties]] over time.]]

*Our government has a responsibility to defend our borders, but we must do so in a way that makes us safer and upholds all that is decent and exceptional about our nation.&lt;P&gt;It is clear from the confusion at our airports across the nation that President Trump's executive order was not properly vetted. We are particularly concerned by reports that this order went into effect with little to no consultation with the Departments of State, Defense, Justice, and Homeland Security.&lt;P&gt;Such a hasty process risks harmful results. We should not stop green-card holders from returning to the country they call home. We should not stop those who have served as interpreters for our military and diplomats from seeking refuge in the country they risked their lives to help. And we should not turn our backs on those refugees who have been shown through extensive vetting to pose no demonstrable threat to our nation, and who have suffered unspeakable horrors, most of them women and children.&lt;P&gt;Ultimately, we fear this executive order will become a self-inflicted wound in the fight against terrorism. At this very moment, American troops are fighting side-by-side with our Iraqi partners to defeat ISIL. But this executive order bans Iraqi pilots from coming to military bases in Arizona to fight our common enemies. Our most important allies in the fight against ISIL are the vast majority of Muslims who reject its apocalyptic ideology of hatred. This executive order sends a signal, intended or not, that America does not want Muslims coming into our country. That is why we fear this executive order may do more to help terrorist recruitment than improve our security.
**[http://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2017/1/statement-by-senators-mccain-graham-on-executive-order-on-immigration Statement by Senators McCain &amp; Graham on Executive Order on Immigration (January 27, 2017) from the Office of Senator John McCain] regarding [Donald J. Trump]'s [[w:Executive Order 13769|Executive Order 13769 entitled &quot;Protecting the Nation from Foreign Terrorist Entry into the United States&quot;]], as quoted by [http://reason.com/blog/2017/01/31/here-is-what-republican-critics-of-trump Jacob Sallum from ''Reason'' magazine in ''Here Is What Republican Critics of Trump's Immigration Order Are Saying'' on January 31, 2017]

*Putin's Russia is our adversary and moral opposite. It is committed to the destruction of the post-war, rule-based, world order built on American leadership and the primacy of our political and economic values…There is no placating Putin. There is no transforming him from a gangster to a responsible statesman. Previous administrations have tried and failed not because they didn’t try hard enough, but because Putin wants no part of it... Oppose Russian aggression against the world we have built from the ruined cities and destroyed empires of World War II. Don’t surrender the gains for our security and the progress for humanity that our Cold War victory achieved. Support the Russian people and their rights to liberty and justice, not the corrupt leaders who betray them... [A]ll who risk their lives to free Russia from tyranny and corruption are our allies. They are our moral equals. And the president of the United States, the nation that has been the greatest force for good in human history, should be the first among us to recognize that.
**[http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2017/02/13/trump-gets-it-wrong-on-putin-russia-moral-equals-john-mccain-column/97822770/ &quot;Russia dissidents are our moral equals&quot;] (13 February 2017), ''USA Today''

*I know there is profound concern across Europe and the world that America is laying down the mantle of global leadership. I can only speak for myself, but I do not believe that that is the message you will hear from all of the American leaders who cared enough to travel here to Munich this weekend. That's not the message you heard today from Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis. That is not the message you will hear from Vice President Mike Pence. That's not the message you will hear from Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly. And that is certainly not the message you will hear tomorrow from our bipartisan congressional delegation. I refuse to accept that our values are morally equivalent to those of our adversaries. I am a proud, unapologetic believer in the West, and I believe we must always, always stand up for it. For if we do not, who will?
**[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/02/17/john-mccain-just-systematically-dismantled-donald-trumps-entire-worldview/?postshare=6141487371896434&amp;tid=ss_tw&amp;utm_term=.e02d0323a302 Speech at the Munich Security Conference in Germany] (February 2017)

*I hate the press; I hate you especially. But the fact is we need you. '''We need a free press. We must have it. It's vital. If''' you want to preserve - I'm very serious now - if '''you want to preserve democracy as we know it, you have to have a free and many times adversarial press. And without it, I am afraid that we would lose so much of our individual liberties over time. That's how dictators get started. They get started by suppressing free press. In other words, a consolidation of power. When you look at history, the first thing that dictators do is shut down the press... [W]e need to learn the lessons of history.'''
**As quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-mccain-idUSKBN15Y07R &quot;McCain says suppressing free press is 'how dictators get started'&quot;] (19 February 2017), ''Reuters''

*We live in a land made of ideals, not blood and soil. We are the custodians of those ideals at home, and their champion abroad. We have done great good in the world. That leadership has had its costs, but we have become incomparably powerful and wealthy as we did. We have a moral obligation to continue in our just cause, and we would bring more than shame on ourselves if we don't. We will not thrive in a world where our leadership and ideals are absent. We wouldn't deserve to.
**[http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/16/politics/john-mccain-joe-biden-liberty-medal/index.html Speech at the National Constitution Center in Pennsylvania] (October 2017)

*One aspect of the [Vietnam] conflict by the way that I will never ever countenance is that we drafted the lowest income level of America and the highest income level found a doctor that would say that they had a bone spur. That is wrong. That is wrong. If we are going to ask every American to serve, every American should serve.
**On C-SPAN3, American History TV, quoted in [https://www.azcentral.com/story/opinion/op-ed/ej-montini/2017/10/22/john-mccain-mocks-donald-trumps-deferment-bone-spurs-without-naming-him/789051001/ ''The Republic''] (October 2017)

* The Russia stuff, the lies, the bullying, the ignorance, the bullshit. Look, I know I'm not going to be here much longer. But I'd like to think that even if that weren't the case, I would have enough self-respect not to kiss his ass like this.
** On Trump, as quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/john-mccain-trump-respect-sucking-up-thank-you-your-servitude-2022-7 ''John McCain, dying of cancer, expressed hope that he would have 'enough self-respect not to kiss' Trump's 'ass' like some of his GOP colleagues: book''] (December 2017)
===== ''It’s time Congress returns to regular order'' =====
: &lt;small&gt;''{{w|Washington Post}}'' [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/john-mccain-its-time-congress-returns-to-regular-order/2017/08/31/f62a3e0c-8cfb-11e7-8df5-c2e5cf46c1e2_story.html op-ed] (31 August 2017)&lt;/small&gt;
*Americans recoiled from the repugnant spectacle of white supremacists marching in Charlottesville to promote their un-American “blood and soil” ideology. There is nothing in their hate-driven racism that can match the strength of a nation conceived in liberty and comprising 323 million souls of different origins and opinions who are equal under the law.
*Most of us share Heather Heyer’s values, not the depravity of the man who took her life. We are the country that led the free world to victory over fascism and dispatched communism to the ash heap of history. We are the superpower that organized not an empire, but an international order of free, independent nations that has liberated more people from poverty and tyranny than anyone thought possible in the age of colonies and autocracies. Our shared values define us more than our differences. And acknowledging those shared values can see us through our challenges today if we have the wisdom to trust in them again.
*Congress will return from recess next week facing continued gridlock as we lurch from one self-created crisis to another. We are proving inadequate not only to our most difficult problems but also to routine duties. Our national political campaigns never stop. We seem convinced that majorities exist to impose their will with few concessions and that minorities exist to prevent the party in power from doing anything important. That’s not how we were meant to govern. Our entire system of government — with its checks and balances, its bicameral Congress, its protections of the rights of the minority — was designed for compromise. It seldom works smoothly or speedily. It was never expected to.
* It requires pragmatic problem-solving from even the most passionate partisans. It relies on compromise between opposing sides to protect the interests we share. We can fight like hell for our ideas to prevail. But we have to respect each other or at least respect the fact that we need each other. That has never been truer than today, when Congress must govern with a president who has no experience of public office, is often poorly informed and can be impulsive in his speech and conduct. We must respect his authority and constitutional responsibilities. We must, where we can, cooperate with him. But we are not his subordinates. We don’t answer to him. We answer to the American people. We must be diligent in discharging our responsibility to serve as a check on his power. And we should value our identity as members of Congress more than our partisan affiliation.
* I argued during the health-care debate for a return to regular order, letting committees of jurisdiction do the principal work of crafting legislation and letting the full Senate debate and amend their efforts. We won’t settle all our differences that way, but such an approach is more likely to make progress on the central problems confronting our constituents. We might not like the compromises regular order requires, but we can and must live with them if we are to find real and lasting solutions. And all of us in Congress have the duty, in this sharply polarized atmosphere, to defend the necessity of compromise before the American public.
* Let’s try that approach on a budget that realistically meets the nation’s critical needs. We all know spending levels for defense and other urgent priorities have been woefully inadequate for years. But we haven’t found the will to work together to adjust them. The appropriators can’t complete their spending bills, and we’re stuck with threats of a government shutdown and continuing resolutions that underfund national security. A compromise that raises spending caps for both sides’ priorities is better than the abject failure that has been our achievement to date.
* Let’s also try that approach on immigration. The president has promised greater border security. We can agree to that. A literal wall might not be the most effective means to that end, but we can provide the resources necessary to secure the border with smart and affordable measures. Let’s make it part of a comprehensive bill that members of both parties can get behind — one that values our security as well as the humanity of immigrants and their contributions to our economy and culture.
* Let’s try it on tax reform and infrastructure improvement and all the other urgent priorities confronting us. These are all opportunities to show that ordinary, decent, free people can govern competently, respectfully and humbly, and to prove the value of the United States Congress to the great nation we serve.

====2018====
[[File:President Trump &amp; the First Lady's Trip to Europe (42547210635).jpg|thumb|No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a [[tyrant]]. Not only did [[President Trump]] fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad.]]

*'''[[Respect]] for the [[God]]-given [[dignity]] of every [[human]] being, no matter their race, ethnicity or other circumstances of their birth, is the [[essence]] of American [[patriotism]]. To believe otherwise is to [[oppose]] the very [[idea]] of America.'''
**[https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/951892337692684291 Twitter post] (12 January 2018)

*People have come to this country from everywhere, and people from everywhere have made America great. Our immigration policy should reflect that truth, and our elected officials, including our President, should respect it.
**[https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/951892536116817921 Twitter post] (12 January 2018)

*'''[A]n American president does not lead the Free World by congratulating dictators on winning sham elections.'''
**As quoted in [http://www.weeklystandard.com/sasse-slams-white-houses-handling-of-putins-phony-sham-re-election/article/2012024#.WrLij2F635I.twitter &quot;Sasse Slams White House's Handling of 'Putin's Phony, Sham Re-Election'&quot;] (21 March 2018), by Jenna Lifhits, ''The Weekly Standard''

* '''[[2018 Russia–United States summit|Today’s press conference in Helsinki]] was one of the most disgraceful performances by an [[American president]] in memory.''' The damage inflicted by [[President Trump]]’s [[naiveté]], [[egotism]], [[false]] [[equivalence]], and [[sympathy]] for [[autocrats]] is difficult to calculate. … '''President Trump proved not only unable, but unwilling to stand up to [[Putin]].''' He and Putin seemed to be speaking from the same script as the president made a conscious [[choice]] to defend a [[tyrant]] against the fair questions of a [[free press]], and to grant Putin an uncontested platform to spew [[propaganda]] and [[lies]] to the [[world]]. … '''No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant.''' Not only did President Trump fail to speak the [[truth]] about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to [[defend]] all that makes us who we are — a [[republic]] of [[free]] [[people]] dedicated to the cause of [[liberty]] at home and abroad. American presidents must be the champions of that cause if it is to [[succeed]]. Americans are [[waiting]] and hoping for President Trump to embrace that [[sacred]] [[responsibility]]. One can only [[hope]] they are not waiting totally in vain.
** Official statement: [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?p=press-releases&amp;id=A99FDA26-673D-4560-B4EA-5AEDF0685EC5 &quot;SASC Chairman John Mccain on Trump-Putin Meeting&quot; (16 July 2018)]

===== ''[[w:The Restless Wave (book)|The Restless Wave]]'' (2018) =====
:&lt;small&gt;''The Restless Wave: Good Times, Just Causes, Great Fights, and Other Appreciations'' (2018) &lt;/small&gt; 

* &lt;!-- I want to talk to my fellow Americans a little more, if I may: --&gt; '''My fellow Americans. No association ever mattered more to me.''' We’re not always right. We’re impetuous and impatient, and rush into things without knowing what we’re really doing. We argue over little differences endlessly, and exaggerate them into lasting breaches. We can be selfish, and quick sometimes to shift the blame for our mistakes to others. But our country ‘tis of thee.‘ What great good we’ve done in the world, so much more good than harm. We served ourselves, of course, but we helped make others free, safe and prosperous because we weren’t threatened by other people’s liberty and success. '''We need each other. We need friends in the world, and they need us. The bell tolls for us, my friends, Humanity counts on us, and we ought to take measured pride in that. We have not been an island. We were ‘involved in mankind.‘ '''&lt;br /&gt; Before I leave, I’d like to see our [[politics]] begin to return to the [[purposes]] and practices that distinguish our [[history]] from the history of other nations. '''I would like to see us recover our sense that we are more alike than different.''' We are [[citizens]] of a [[republic]] made of shared [[ideals]] forged in a new world to replace the tribal enmities that tormented the old one. Even in times of political turmoil such as these, we share that awesome heritage and the [[responsibility]] to embrace it. Whether we think each other right or wrong in our views on the issues of the day, we owe each other our [[respect]], as long as our [[character]] merits respect, and as long as we share, for all our differences, for all the rancorous [[debates]] that enliven and sometimes demean our politics, a mutual [[devotion]] to the ideals our nation was conceived to uphold, that all are created equal, and [[liberty]] and equal [[justice]] are the [[natural rights]] of all. Those rights inhabit the [[human]] [[heart]], and from there, though they may be assailed, they can never be wrenched. '''I want to urge [[Americans]], for as long as I can, to remember that this shared devotion to [[human rights]] is our truest heritage and our most [[important]] [[loyalty]].'''

* “ I'm a Reagan Republican, a proponent of lower taxes, less government, free markets, free trade, defense readiness, and democratic internationalism.”

* '''&quot;The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it,&quot; spoke my hero, Robert Jordan, in [[Ernest_Hemingway#For_Whom_the_Bell_Tolls_(1940)|''For Whom the Bell Tolls'']]. And I do, too. I hate to leave it.''' But I don’t have a complaint. Not one. It’s been quite a ride. I’ve known great passions, seen amazing wonders, fought in a war, and helped make a peace. I’ve lived very well and I’ve been deprived of all comforts. I’ve been as lonely as a person can be and I‘ve enjoyed the company of heroes. '''I’ve suffered the deepest despair and experienced the highest exultation. I made a small place for myself in the story of America and the history of my times.''' &lt;br /&gt; I leave behind a loving wife, who is devoted to protecting the world’s most vulnerable, and seven great kids, who grew up to be fine men and women. I wish I had spent more time in their company. But I know they will go on to make their time count, and be of useful service to their beliefs, and to their fellow human beings. Their love for me and mine for them is the last strength I have. &lt;br /&gt; What an ingrate I would be to curse the fate that concludes the blessed life I’ve led. I prefer to give thanks for those blessings, and my love to the people who blessed me with theirs. '''The bell tolls for me. I knew it would. So I tried, as best I could, to stay a &quot;part of the main.&quot; I hope those who mourn my passing, and even those who don’t, will celebrate as I celebrate a happy life lived in imperfect service to a country made of ideals, whose continued service is the hope of the world. And I wish all of you great adventures, good company, and lives as lucky as mine.'''

===== Farewell statement (2018) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/ Official Farewell Statement of Senator John McCain], publicly read by Rick Davis at the Arizona State Capitol in Phoenix, Arizona (27 August 2018) ·  [https://www.politico.com/story/2018/08/27/full-text-john-mccains-farewell-statement-797487 &quot;Full text: John McCain's farewell statement&quot;, ''Politico'' (27 August 2018)] · [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a22842112/john-mccain-farwell-letter/ &quot;In His Farewell Letter, John McCain Offers Advice on Enduring These 'Challenging Times'&quot; ''Esquire'' (27 August  2018)]&lt;/small&gt; 
[[File:McCainWithSquadron.jpg|thumb|&quot;Fellow Americans&quot;—that association has meant more to me than any other. … Do not despair of our present difficulties but believe always in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here. Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history. We make history. &lt;br /&gt; Farewell, fellow Americans.]]

* I have tried to serve our country honorably. I have made mistakes, but I hope my love for America will be weighed favorably against them.&lt;br /&gt; '''I have often observed that I am the [[luckiest]] person on [[Earth]]. I feel that way even now as I prepare for the [[end]] of my [[life]].''' I have loved my life, all of it. I have had experiences, adventures and friendships enough for ten satisfying lives, and I am so thankful. Like most people, I have regrets. But I would not trade a day of my life, in good or bad times, for the best day of anyone else’s. &lt;br /&gt; I owe that [[satisfaction]] to the [[love]] of my [[family]]. No man ever had a more loving wife or children he was prouder of than I am of mine. And I owe it to [[America]]. '''To be [[connected]] to America’s [[causes]] — [[liberty]], [[equal]] [[justice]], [[respect]] for the [[dignity]] of [[all]] [[people]] — brings [[happiness]] more sublime than life’s fleeting [[pleasures]].''' Our [[identities]] and sense of [[worth]] are not circumscribed but enlarged by serving [[good]] causes bigger than [[ourselves]]. &lt;br /&gt;&quot;Fellow Americans&quot; — that association has meant more to me than any other. I lived and [[died]] a proud American. We are [[citizens]] of the [[world]]’s greatest [[republic]], a [[nation]] of [[ideals]], not blood and soil. We are [[blessed]] and are a blessing to [[humanity]] when we uphold and advance those ideals at home and in the world. We have [[helped]] [[liberate]] more [[people]] from [[tyranny]] and [[poverty]] than ever before in history. We have acquired great [[wealth]] and [[power]] in the process.

* '''We [[weaken]] our [[greatness]] when we confuse our [[patriotism]] with tribal rivalries that have sown [[resentment]] and [[hatred]] and [[violence]] in all the corners of the globe.''' We weaken it when we hide behind [[walls]], rather than tear them down, when we [[doubt]] the power of our ideals, rather than [[trust]] them to be the great [[force]] for [[change]] they have always been.

* We are three-hundred-and-twenty-five million opinionated, vociferous [[individuals]]. We [[argue]] and [[compete]] and sometimes even vilify each other in our raucous public [[debates]]. But we have always had so much more in common with each other than in disagreement. If only we [[remember]] that and give each other the [[benefit]] of the presumption that we all love our [[country]] we will get through these challenging times. We will come through them [[stronger]] than before. We always do.

* '''Do not despair of our present difficulties but believe always in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here. Americans never quit. We never surrender. We never hide from history. We make history. &lt;br /&gt; Farewell, fellow Americans.''' God bless you, and God bless America.

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
* Only an asshole would put together a budget like this. I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole.
** [http://www.newsweek.com/id/82862 Supposedly said to Senator Pete Domenici at a GOP meeting in the fall of 1999.]

* You know, the [[France|French]] remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.
** [http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml Supposedly said during an interview with Fox News]
{{Disputed end}}

== Quotes about McCain ==
*Sen. John McCain liked to fight for causes larger than himself. He fought for his country as a Navy pilot during the Vietnam War. Despite being tortured in a Vietnamese prison camp, he stood up for his fellow prisoners of war by refusing the early release his captors offered him because he was an admiral's son. In politics, he fought to defeat Democrats at the polls, to bend the GOP toward his brand of Republicanism and for any number of policies he considered vital — from weakening national parties' dominance of campaign financing to prohibiting the U.S. from torturing suspected terrorists. '''But McCain's legacy will be about a trait, more than any individual cause, that was both larger than himself and is in perilously short supply in American politics right now: honor.'''
** Jonathan Allen in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/john-mccain-s-legacy-sense-honor-has-become-rare-polarized-n903911 ''John McCain's legacy: A sense of honor that has become rare in a polarized Washington''] (25 August 2018)

*Many in the crowd booed, and later, Arab-Americans expressed disappointment at the implication that they weren't decent family people. But McCain's rejection of the woman's bigotry and ignorance, which almost seems quaint now, remains at the core of the great American political experiment. The republic only survives if adversaries are able to respect one another and the idea that differences should be resolved peacefully in the political arena. Surely, many future supporters of President Donald Trump were turned off by McCain's response that day. '''For years, McCain was pilloried by those on the right who thought he was insufficiently loyal to the GOP and those on the left who were infuriated that he was lionized as a &quot;maverick&quot; when he usually toed the party line.'''
** Jonathan Allen in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/john-mccain-s-legacy-sense-honor-has-become-rare-polarized-n903911 ''John McCain's legacy: A sense of honor that has become rare in a polarized Washington''] (25 August 2018)

* We used to tease, after John McCain made that speech that time, that called our audience ‘hobbits,’ it was always great to hear what the hobbits had to say because at the end of the day what they had to say was what mattered most
** [[Steve Bannon]] '''[https://www.breitbart.com/radio/2016/12/30/bannon-hobbits-deplorables-great-run-2016-top-first-inning/ Steve Bannon: ‘Hobbits and Deplorables Had a Great Run in 2016,’ but It’s Only ‘Top of the First Inning’]''' (30 Dec 2016)

* I was sitting here thinking [about] Arizona and thinking [about] John McCain and [[Cindy McCain]]. And now [former Republican Arizona Sen.] [[Jeff Flake]] endorsed [[Joe Biden]], but much more of the McCain legacy. I am sure you are talking to people who are close to John McCain, that it is John McCain’s last laugh, if, in fact, his state, his beloved adopted state goes for Joe Biden, his old friend who spoke at his funeral, eulogized him. Can you imagine the poetry of that if it happens?
** [[Dana Bash]]. as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/media/524584-cnns-dana-bash-trump-loss-in-arizona-would-be-john-mccains-last-laugh/ CNN’s Dana Bash: Trump loss in Arizona would be ‘John McCain’s last laugh’] (5 November 2020)

[[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|A very angry Senator John McCain denounced [[Code Pink|CODEPINK]] activists as “low-life scum” for holding up signs reading “Arrest Kissinger for [[War crimes|War Crimes]]” and dangling handcuffs next to Henry Kissinger’s head during a Senate hearing on January 29... You might think that McCain, who suffered tremendously in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]], might be more sensitive to [[Henry Kissinger|Kissinger]]’s role in prolonging that war. From 1969 through 1973, it was Kissinger, along with [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]], who oversaw the slaughter in Vietnam, [[Cambodia]] and Laos — killing perhaps one million during this period.  ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]]

*A very angry Senator John McCain denounced [[Code Pink|CODEPINK]] activists as “low-life scum” for holding up signs reading “Arrest Kissinger for [[War crimes|War Crimes]]” and dangling handcuffs next to Henry Kissinger’s head during a Senate hearing on January 29. McCain called the demonstration “disgraceful, outrageous and despicable,” accused the protesters of “physically intimidating” Kissinger and apologized profusely to his friend for this “deeply troubling incident.”&lt;BR&gt;But if Senator McCain was really concerned about physical intimidation, perhaps he should have conjured up the memory of the gentle Chilean singer/songwriter [[Víctor Jara|Victor Jara]]. After Kissinger facilitated the September 11, 1973 coup against [[Salvador Allende]] that brought the ruthless [[Augusto Pinochet]] to power, Victor Jara and 5,000 others were rounded up in Chile’s National Stadium. Jara’s hands were smashed and his nails torn off; the sadistic guards then ordered him to play his guitar. Jara was later found dumped on the street, his dead body riddled with gunshot wounds and signs of torture...&lt;BR&gt;Rather than calling peaceful protesters “despicable”, perhaps Senator McCain should have used that term to describe Kissinger’s role in the brutal 1975 Indonesian invasion of East Timor, which took place just hours after Kissinger and President Ford visited Indonesia. They had given the Indonesian strongman the US green light—and the weapons—for an invasion that led to a 25-year occupation in which over 100,000 soldiers and civilians were killed or starved to death. The UN's Commission for Reception, Truth and Reconciliation in East Timor (CAVR) stated that U.S. &quot;political and military support were fundamental to the Indonesian invasion and occupation&quot; of East Timor.
**[https://www.commondreams.org/views/2015/01/30/henry-kissinger-or-codepink-whos-low-life-scum Henry Kissinger or CODEPINK: Who’s the &quot;Low Life Scum&quot;?], by [[Medea Benjamin]], ''CommonDreams'', (January 30, 2015) 

*You might think that McCain, who suffered tremendously in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]], might be more sensitive to Kissinger’s role in prolonging that war. From 1969 through 1973, it was Kissinger, along with [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]], who oversaw the slaughter in Vietnam, [[Cambodia]] and Laos — killing perhaps one million during this period. He gave the order for the [[W:secret bombing of Cambodia|secret bombing of Cambodia]]. Kissinger is on tape saying, “[Nixon] wants a massive bombing campaign in Cambodia. He doesn't want to hear anything about it. It's an order, to be done. Anything that flies on anything that moves.” &lt;BR&gt;Senator McCain could have...[read] the meticulously researched book by the late writer [[Christopher Hitchens]], [[W:The Trial of Henry Kissinger|''The Trial of Henry Kissinger'']]. Writing as a prosecutor before an international court of law, Hitchens skewers Kissinger for ordering or sanctioning the destruction of civilian populations, the assassination of “unfriendly” politicians and the kidnapping and disappearance of soldiers, journalists and clerics who got in his way. He holds Kissinger responsible for [[war crimes]]... from the deliberate mass killings of civilian populations in Indochina, to collusion in mass murder and assassination in Bangladesh, the overthrow of the democratically elected government in [[Chile]], and the incitement and enabling of genocide in [[W:East Timor|East Timor]].&lt;BR&gt; McCain could have also perused the warrant issued by French Judge Roger Le Loire to have Kissinger appear before his court. When the French served Kissinger with summons in 2001 at the Ritz Hotel in Paris, Kissinger fled the country. More indictments followed from Spain, Argentina, Uruguay — even a civil suit in Washington DC.
**[https://www.commondreams.org/views/2015/01/30/henry-kissinger-or-codepink-whos-low-life-scum Henry Kissinger or CODEPINK: Who’s the &quot;Low Life Scum&quot;?], by [[Medea Benjamin]], ''CommonDreams'', (January 30, 2015) 

* These times require more than a good soldier. They require a wise leader.
** [[Joe Biden]], [http://www.boston.com/news/politics/2008/articles/2008/08/28/biden_comes_out_punching/ ''Democratic National Convention''] (August 27, 2008)

* Out of America's 15 battleground states, it should have been a safe bet that [[Donald Trump]] would win the 11 electoral votes up for grabs in Arizona. The state, in the nation's southwest, has only once been called for a Democratic candidate since 1952 – [[Bill Clinton]], in 1996. But the constant attacks from the President on one man – the late Senator John McCain – may have contributed to a huge backlash in Arizona that will not only see it flip blue for Joe Biden, but secure Trump's electoral loss. As Fox News and The Associated Press called the state for Biden, the fury of Trump's supporters was quickly turned toward McCain's widow Cindy, who endorsed Biden back in September and, in the words of conservative [[Mark Levin]], &quot;helped cost us Arizona&quot;.
** Natalie Brown in [https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/us-election-how-john-mccain-helped-seal-donald-trumps-fate-in-arizona/ZMZREFKNGQ6V7INB6T64VWZ5MI/ ''US election: How John McCain helped seal Donald Trump's fate in Arizona''] (6 November 2020)

* Frankly, neither of [the presidential candidates'] numbers adds up. But I’ve come to see a consistent pattern in Obama's. For the life of me, Senator Straight Talk, I see no such straight thing with yours. You rail against big government, yet continue to push cockamamie spending plans that make a mockery of it. That's why you're losing right now, Senator McCain. Not because you don't have the courage of your convictions. But because on economic matters, you have no convictions, period.
** [[Neil Cavuto]], [http://www.foxbusiness.com/story/markets/cavuto-mccains-got-courage-convictions/ ''Fox News''] (October 28, 2008)

*Over the course of American history, a handful of U.S. senators have been so consequential that they are remembered better than some presidents. Among them are [[Daniel Webster]], [[John C. Calhoun]], Robert La Follette, [[Everett Dirksen]] and [[Ted Kennedy]]. John McCain, who died Saturday, deserves to be the most recent addition to this exclusive company.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*He was one of a kind — a blunt-spoken legislator with a sense of humor who followed a sometimes unpredictable course, often clashed with his own party and exercised an outsized influence on policy debates. After losing to Barack Obama in his 2008 race for the presidency, he absorbed the defeat and resumed his Senate work with unflagging zeal.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*He lost a bid for the 2000 GOP presidential nomination to George W. Bush, but became a staunch supporter of the Iraq invasion and the military surge that Bush mounted in 2007 to counter a spreading insurgency. He was one of Washington’s foremost experts on military and national security matters, advocating tough policies against Iran, Syria, Libya, Russia and other unfriendly governments.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*Joining with Democratic Sen. Edward “Ted” Kennedy in 2005, he made a valiant effort to enact comprehensive immigration reform — a crucial need that Congress has still not met. He proposed a “cap-and-trade” system to curb greenhouse gas emissions, defying Republicans who scorned climate change as a hoax.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

*McCain was sometimes wrong, but he was fearless in fighting for the principles he held dearest. He will be remembered in many ways — as a war hero, a political maverick, a reformer and a staunch advocate for an assertive American role in world affairs. But he will be remembered most as a patriot.
**''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Chicago Tribune]]'' in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/opinion/editorials/ct-edit-mccainobit-20171215-story.html ''John McCain, American patriot''] (25 August 2018)

* When Trump initially attacked McCain as something less than a war hero in 2015, it was covered as the end of a campaign that never really got started. Trump has been in the race for all of a month. He was still an asterisk in most polling. And everyone who knew anything assumed that attacking McCain’s five years spent as a prisoner of war in Vietnam – a time that left the Arizona Republican with lifelong wounds – was a death sentence of Trump’s political ambitions. After all, while plenty of Republicans didn’t agree with McCain’s much-touted renegade nature – and his willingness to buck party leadership – no one ever questioned the man’s service to the country (in the military and in elected office). And doing so was seen as the easiest way to destroy your political future. Except it didn’t destroy Trump. For all the hand-wringing and predictions of doom for his campaign, he just kept right on going – first to the Republican presidential nomination and then to the White House. For many of his supporters, Trump’s broadsides against McCain were music to their ears – finally someone was standing up to the political establishment in Washington! Trump wasn’t afraid of slaughtering a sacred cow – or all the sacred cows! He didn’t care! And they loved it.
** Chris Cillizza in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/19/politics/donald-trump-john-mccain-dead/index.html ''The awful reality that Donald Trump’s repeated attacks on John McCain prove''] (19 March 2019)

*Here’s what I also know: There are certain things that are right and certain things that are wrong – whether you are a Democrat, a Republican or somewhere in between. And attacking a dead man who spent five years as a prisoner of war and another three decades serving the country in elected office, is simply wrong. That’s true if [[Barack Obama]], [[George W. Bush]], [[Millard Fillmore]], [[Franklin Pierce]] or whoever the next president will be did it. (None of them would have said what Trump did about a man with as decorated a past as McCain but the point still holds.
** Chris Cillizza in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/19/politics/donald-trump-john-mccain-dead/index.html ''The awful reality that Donald Trump’s repeated attacks on John McCain prove''] (19 March 2019)

* Luckily, I agree with my party more than Senator McCain agrees with his party.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], Politico, 11 February 2008. [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0208/8453.html]

* '''Chris Cillizza:''' Was the young McCain that came to the Senate in the mid 1980s significantly different from the man we saw in his final decade in the Senate? If so, how?&lt;br /&gt;'''Ross Baker:''' The 1980s McCain wanted to be one of the boys, fell in with bad company and spent the next three decades atoning. He spent years living down the Keating Five scandal, even though he got off with a slap on the wrist. In his 2002 memoir, written after his loss to George W. Bush, he was still lamenting that blot on his escutcheon.&lt;br /&gt;'''Cillizza:''' What was McCain’s greatest achievement as a senator? Greatest failure?&lt;br /&gt;'''Baker:''' His greatest lasting achievement was his dramatic last-second “no” vote to dismember ACA. His greatest temporary feat was McCain-Feingold [campaign finance reform]. My own high point – though it’s rarely remembered – was his takedown of the Jack Abramoff crew when he was chair of Indian Affairs. He turned Bureau of Indian Affairs and the whole Interior Department upside down. He did major things with a minor committee. His greatest failure: His persistent support for the Iraq war despite the good bipartisan vibes from the “Three Amigos.” The Keating Savings &amp; Loan scandal of course, though McCain sized up the situation before the others. That scandal tarnished another hero, John Glenn.&lt;br /&gt;'''Cillizza:''' If there is a list of the 15 greatest senators ever, is McCain on it? Why or why not?&lt;br /&gt;'''Baker:''' He’s not up there with [[Henry Clay|[Henry] Clay]], [[Daniel Webster|[Daniel] Webster]], [[John C. Calhoun|[John] Calhoun]], [[Charles Sumner|[Charles] Sumner]] and [[Lyndon B. Johnson|LBJ]], but he’s a lot closer than [[Ted Cruz]] will ever be. Few senators in recent years, however, have had such a stupendous sendoff. He always had the media eating out of his hand. That’s no minor accomplishment.
** CNN article [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/29/politics/mccain-greatest-senator/index.html ''The ‘thumbs down’ health care vote that enraged Trump is John McCain’s lasting legacy''] (29 August 2018)

* McCain was down at the end of the table and we were talking to the head of the guerrilla group here at this end of the table, and I don’t know what attracted my attention. But I saw some kind of quick movement at the bottom of the table and I looked down there and John had reached over and grabbed this guy by the shirt collar and had snatched him up like he was throwing him up out of the chair to tell him what he thought about him or whatever. I don’t know what he was telling him but I thought, good grief everybody around here has got guns and we were there on a diplomatic mission. I don’t know what had happened to provoke John, but he obviously got mad at the guy and he just reached over there and snatched him.
** Senator Thad Cochran [R-MS] [http://www.mcclatchydc.com/251/story/42844.html recalling a 1987 incident] when John McCain lost his temper with an associate of Nicaragua’s President, July 1, 2008

* Tributes for McCain and the lauding of his courage, honor, decency, character, and readiness to reexamine his own mistakes will unfold at a time when Trump is facing an unflattering public debate about his own personality and behavior. The guilty plea by the President’s former personal lawyer Michael Cohen and conviction of former campaign chairman Paul Manafort last week deepened the political and legal storm raging around the White House – but still did not push most Republican leaders to criticize Trump. In that context, the ceremonies marking McCain’s passing seem sure to become more than a lament for a departed political giant. They are likely to become a debate about political morality and the comportment and principles expected of public figures in an already polarized political age that has been further roiled by Trump’s disruptive influence.
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* '''After two losing presidential campaigns, McCain never made it to the Oval Office – yet he is getting an emotional sendoff and assessment that might befit one of the men who did become President.'''
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* When comparisons are drawn between the President and McCain, Trump’s supporters are certain to accuse the media and his critics of exploiting McCain’s death to aim what they will view as yet another unfair attack on the commander-in-chief. But many of the tributes to McCain from the establishment politicians with whom he felt comfortable can also be read as commentaries on the importance of character in public life and America’s mission and global role, and therefore as subtle, implicit criticisms of the conduct and attitudes of the man in the Oval Office himself. After all, many of Trump’s critics have long argued that he lacks the character needed of a President, a narrative that gathered pace last week as the legal woes mounted, threatening his presidency. A persistent criticism has been that Trump disdains the altruistic and patriotic motives that Obama saw in McCain and instead feeds his own ego in a search for personal recognition. In Europe, there is deep concern about Trump’s commitment to Western values and NATO – so it is impossible to read tributes to McCain from people like Stoltenberg in any other context.
** Stephen Collinson in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/mccain-message-trump/index.html ''John McCain’s final message for the President''] (27 August 2018)

* I think that's one reason [McCain's] &quot;celebrity&quot; ad [attacking Obama] came out so quickly. You know, part of the strategy here is, once you get caught [lying in an ad], change the subject, and launch a new charge.
** Columnist Craig Crawford of ''Congressional Quarterly'', on the short interval between release of two McCain campaign ads; ''Countdown''; July 30, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25950313/]

* This week, [John McCain] strayed perilously close to being indicted for the deadly sin of flip-flopping, which famously helped doom [[John Kerry]]'s presidential bid in 2004. [His] excoriation of the Supreme Court [ruling that ''habeas corpus'' applies to Guantánamo detainees] seemed like overkill, given the limited nature of the judgment, and doubly odd given that Mr McCain supports the immediate closure of the prison camp and the transfer of its prisoners to the mainland.  That would give them far greater protection than anything the court has done.
** &quot;Twist and Shout: The problems of pleasing everyone,&quot; ''The Economist,'' p. 44, June 21, 2008

* &quot;He’s kind of the Democratic version of John McCain,&quot; said Sen. Jon Tester (D-Mont.). &quot;I say that partially in jest. But partially it’s true: Joe’s a hard guy to figure out how to lead. You know? He dances to his own music.&quot; Like McCain, the moonshine-swigging former quarterback isn’t afraid to let his colleagues know where he stands on a given day, either in the hallways of the Capitol or on cable news airwaves. [[Joe Manchin|Manchin]] often publicly discusses how he’s struggling with issues or tough votes.
** Burgess Everett in [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/07/joe-manchin-senate-congress-466132 ''‘The Democratic version of John McCain’''] (7 February 2021)

* Few politicians who fail to win the presidency are subsequently judged to be giants in our history. Among the select few are [[Robert F. Kennedy]], [[Barry Goldwater]] and [[Hubert Humphrey|Hubert H. Humphrey]] in the 20th century; [[Henry Clay]], [[Daniel Webster]] and [[John C. Calhoun]] in the 19th century; and [[William Jennings Bryan]], who straddled the two. There would certainly be lively debate about other political figures who deserve inclusion on such a list, and many non-politicians have earned places in our national story far more exalted than those of middling presidents and elected officials. As John McCain's contemporaries, we may be ill-positioned to insist with certainty that he will join the likes of Kennedy, Bryan and Clay as figures who were profoundly consequential though the White House eluded them.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* Our judgment may be clouded because McCain's personal virtues — his insistence on the importance of honor, his resolute candor, his graciousness toward adversaries, his willingness to sacrifice, his ability to laugh at himself and to admit to his failings — stand in such stark contrast to our current leadership, particularly the incumbent president. And while Bryan and Goldwater fundamentally changed their parties, McCain's eclectic independence makes it hard to define an ideology called McCainism that might serve as an enduring legacy.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* This is why McCain won so many liberal admirers, despite their many disagreements with him — particularly on the Iraq War, his deeply hawkish approach to foreign policy and his flip-flops on tax cuts. He also infuriated and befuddled them with his choice of [[Sarah Palin]] as his running mate in 2008, a decision that weakened his own wing of the party and ran counter to the seriousness of his approach to public life. And, given McCain's clearsightedness about who President Trump is, liberals wished he had taken the decisive step of upending his party's majority in the Senate. Yet it was impossible not to renew one's respect for McCain. He had a capacity to admit moral error that is rare among politicians of any stripe. He did this powerfully by calling himself out for pandering to voters in South Carolina's 2000 GOP primary by refusing to denounce the display of the Confederate flag at the state Capitol. He regularly put great things (the defense of the Western alliance on behalf of democracy above all) over petty things. He had a vision of the United States as a beacon of openness, thus his unwavering support for immigration reform, and of democracy as involving a government of equals, thus his consistent opposition to the outsize role of money in politics.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* One need not canonize McCain to appreciate him. On the contrary, the fact he was a politician who wanted to win means that he is a better model for other politicians than a saint. He could trim when he had to and sometimes brawled against opponents for reasons not of principle but of power — or just because he harbored a grudge. Yet the former prisoner of war did all he could to live up to words he revered from Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor: &quot;Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.&quot; It is not easy to choose one's own way in ordinary life. It's even more difficult in politics. McCain will be long remembered because he kept faith with this obligation.
** ''The Fayetteville Observer'' in [https://www.fayobserver.com/story/opinion/columns/2018/08/27/ej-dionne-john-mccain-and-last-of-human-freedoms/10943246007/ ''John McCain chose his own way''] (27 August 2018)

* The McCain campaign is creating a new category of campaign maneuver. I would call it self-punking. They keep doing this to themselves. When I talked to them today, I think they were pretty genuinely upset that they'd screwed this up, that there were young people running a finance operation who set this thing up. That's their story and they're sticking to it, and they may be right about that. But the fact is that the senior leadership in the McCain campaign surely knew about this, or they ''should'' have known about it. Clayton Williams is anathema to the very Democratic women voters McCain is saying he's going after.
** Howard Fineman of ''Newsweek'', on Sen. McCain's canceling a fundraiser hosted by [http://www.oliverwillis.com/index.php/2008/06/13/mccain-cancels-event-with-rape-joker-keeps-his-300000/ Williams] -- famous for remarks about rape and opposition to TX Gov. Anne Richards -- but retaining the $300,000 he helped raise[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/16/AR2008061601464.html]; June 16, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3719710/]

* In terms of the relationship [between Gramm and McCain], I think, it's strong as ever and that … Phil Gramm's advice will be taken to heart.
** [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]], a McCain surrogate, on whether Phil Gramm's role as economic advisor to McCain has truly ended, after McCain allegedly relieved Phil Gramm of the role; Gramm has been a leading deregulator of the mortgage and oil futures industries, CNBC; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25834373/]

* But Obama still insists on a 16-month withdrawal, which has become sort of a sliding scale, moving along with each passing month. Regardless of conditions, his strategy is to withdraw the troops in 16 months - not 12 or 24 - no matter when the clock starts ticking, whether it was 20 months ago or after he takes office in January 2009. McCain has refused to embrace any such arbitrary timetable, yet ''The New York Times'' insists that he must if the newspaper is going to print his opinion of the war. That is absurd, and it is journalistic malpractice. This is how radical ''The Times''’ behavior is. In his article McCain chided Obama for setting a timetable for withdrawal, especially prior to his tour of Iraq and meeting with military leaders and Iraqi officials. That has been his position for several weeks. But ''The Times'' rejects that approach and insists that McCain actually embrace his opponent’s stand and violate his own previous pledges - or it would not publish his views. ''The Times'' ducked for cover by telling McCain this is standard practice at many newspapers, but I’m not familiar with any newspaper that has ever insisted a candidate, whether for town council or for president, change a position to match an opponent’s, in order to meet the newpaper’s op-ed requirements.
** Chuck Green in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2008/07/23/times-wrong-to-suppress-mccain/8757639007/ ''Times wrong to suppress McCain op-ed''] (23 July 2008)

* The problem for John McCain and George Bush is this: they have defined leaving as losing. Therefore, we cannot ever leave.
** Chris Hayes, Washington Editor of ''The Nation'', on ''Countdown''; July 21, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25799429/]

* A candidate may well change his or her position on, say, universal health care or Bosnia. But he or she cannot change the fact—if it happens to be a fact—that he or she is a pathological liar, or a dimwit, or a proud ignoramus. And even in the short run, this must and will tell. 
**[[Christopher Hitchens]], “Vote for Obama.” Slate, 2008. 

* Unjustified war and unconstitutional abridgment of individual rights, versus ill-conceived tax and economic policies -- this is the difference between venial and mortal sins. John McCain would continue the Bush administration's commitment to interventionism and constitutional over-reach. Obama promises a humbler engagement with our allies, while promising retaliation against any enemy who dares attack us. … Based on his embrace of centrist advisers and policies, it seems likely that Obama will turn out to be in the mold of [[John F. Kennedy|John Kennedy]], who was fond of noting that &quot;a rising tide lifts all boats.&quot; … Even if my hopes on domestic policy are dashed and Obama reveals himself as an unreconstructed, dyed in the wool, big government liberal, I'm still voting for him.
** Former [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] policy advisor Larry Hunter; New York Daily News; July 16, 2008 [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25783198/]

*A great many Republicans have had their differences with Arizona Sen. John McCain over the years, and some of President Donald Trump’s biggest supporters are using the occasion of the release of the senator’s memoir to bash McCain in the sunset of his career and life. They take to Twitter to bash a guy who suffered torture for his country, lived a life of public service and consequence, and has the audacity to express his political opinions and preferences on who eulogizes him. You don’t have to love John McCain to know this is wrong and, as Jonah Goldberg put it, &quot;grotesque.&quot;
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*It is true that those of us who supported [[George W. Bush]] over McCain in the 2000 GOP primary found his attacks against Bush to be whiny and irritating. McCain’s position and vitriolic statements on campaign finance &quot;reform&quot; were grating, especially when you consider that his legislation did the opposite of reforming the system. It drove money out of the hands of candidates and parties, and into the shadows of outside groups. McCain’s legacy on campaign finance, well-meaning as it may have been, is a broken system that he helped to drive fully off the rails.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*But he has been a loyal American and Republican all his life. He barnstormed the country for Bush in 2000 and 2004. I saw him on the campaign trail for Mitt Romney in 2012. He took on the mantle of Republican nominee for President in 2008, trying desperately to hold the White House for a party whose President was suffering from low approval ratings. Despite his ditching the GOP on a handful of issues (most recently Obamacare repeal), McCain has mostly been a solid citizen in the Senate. He has opposed wasteful spending (a Republican staple), and even now, serving under a President he clearly despises, votes for the Trump agenda 83% of the time, according to 538’s “Trump Tracker.” That’s a better “Trump Score” than Susan Collins, Mike Lee and Rand Paul, and nearly 22 points more than the tracker would expect based on the 2016 outcome in Arizona.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

* In 2000, McCain ran as the anti-establishment insurgent, trying to upend the Bush apple cart. But today, at the sunset of McCain’s life and career, it is another group of insurgents, Trump and his supporters, who cast McCain as an unreliable relic, out of touch with the people of Arizona and the Republican Party. They hate his views on immigration and his detestation of Trump’s behavior and style. In some ways, Trump pulled off what McCain was trying to do back in 2000. McCain called it the &quot;Straight Talk Express,&quot; pulling no punches and offering unprecedented press access. He didn’t win but forever absorbed the brand of “maverick” in the process. Trump did the same thing. He ran against the establishment and was the most press accessible candidate in 2016. McCain was, tactically, ahead of his time, while Trump got the timing just right.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

* '''McCain will be remembered as a war hero, American patriot and public servant who was conservative but unafraid to buck his party from time to time. He will be remembered for clashing with Trump and suffering for it politically among members of his own party. He will be remembered for picking Sarah Palin and later regretting it. He will be remembered for making the campaign finance system worse while trying to make it better. He will be remembered for being entangled in the Keating Five ethics scandal. He will be remembered for being tortured, and then leading the opposition to certain interrogation tactics during the Global War on Terror.''' But no matter how you remember him or what you think of him, John McCain has earned the right to speak his mind and to have anyone at his funeral he wants. Feel free to disagree with McCain, but lay off the vitriolic, tribal attacks. He suffered mightily for your right to do so.
** Scott Jennings in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/07/opinions/john-mccain-donald-trump-jennings/index.html ''John McCain has the right to despise Donald Trump''] (7 May 2018)

*They both recognized and loved each other’s passion. For my father’s part, everyone knew how passionate ([[Ted Kennedy]]) was and that was known for John McCain. He really loved the fight, but he never let that get in the way of respect. And that’s what is missing in today’s politics, that genuine respect for democracy.
** Patrick Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/john-mccain-patrick-kennedy-ted-kennedy-cnntv/index.html ''Ted Kennedy’s son remembers his father’s friendship with John McCain''] (27 August 2018)

*He knew that my father cared for this country. He knew that my father lost his brothers for this country. He knew that my father was part of this country and respected that. And my father genuinely loved and respected John McCain. It’s an example of what we need today and that is that even though they disagreed, they were always searching for ways to put their country ahead of their party. It sounds trite, but no, not at all – These days we’re living in, we really need people to have that as their goal.
** Patrick Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/27/politics/john-mccain-patrick-kennedy-ted-kennedy-cnntv/index.html ''Ted Kennedy’s son remembers his father’s friendship with John McCain''] (27 August 2018)

[[File:Ted Kennedy, official photo portrait crop.jpg|thumb|I think that John McCain and [[Ted Kennedy]] represent what the Senate has been at its best ... what it can be again, a place where men and women of good will can come together and address the great challenges facing our nation. ~ Vicki Reggie Kennedy]]
* I think that John McCain and [[Ted Kennedy]] represent what the Senate has been at its best ... what it can be again, a place where men and women of good will can come together and address the great challenges facing our nation.
** Vicki Reggie Kennedy, as quoted in [https://www.wgbh.org/news/politics/2018/08/26/massachusetts-remembers-senator-john-mccain ''Massachusetts Remembers Sen. John McCain''] (26 August 2018)

*  I have known and been friends with John McCain for almost 22 years. But every day now I learn something new about candidate McCain. To those who still believe in the myth of a maverick instead of the reality of a politician, I say, let's compare Senator McCain to candidate McCain.&lt;br&gt;Candidate McCain now supports the wartime tax cuts that Senator McCain once denounced as immoral. Candidate McCain criticizes Senator McCain's own climate change bill. Candidate McCain says he would now vote against the immigration bill that Senator McCain wrote. Are you kidding? Talk about being for it before you're against it.&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you, before he ever debates Barack Obama, John McCain should finish the debate with himself. And what's more, Senator McCain, who once railed against the smears of [[Karl Rove]] when he was the target, has morphed into candidate McCain who is using the same &quot;Rove&quot; tactics and the same &quot;Rove&quot; staff to repeat the same old politics of fear and smear. Well, not this year, not this time. The Rove-McCain tactics are old and outworn, and America will reject them in 2008.
** John Kerry, [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/08/27/remarks_of_john_f_kerry_to_the_democratic_national_convention/?page=full ''Democratic National Convention''] (August 27, 2008)

*The noble simplicity of sentiment in McCain’s tweets is a world removed from Trump’s gaudy and boastful displays. And McCain’s demonstration of character and courage is a far more reliable guide to American greatness than the pronouncements of a president who speaks of it nonstop and embodies it not at all.
**[[Bill Kristol]], [http://www.weeklystandard.com/true-american-greatness/article/2008923 &quot;True American Greatness&quot;] (21 July 2017), ''The Weekly Standard''

* This is not the way a tested hero behaves. … It's like we caught him getting a manicure or something.
** [[David Letterman]], on seeing McCain on live feed being touched up by a makeup artist in preparation for an interview in New York City with [[Katie Couric]] after canceling his scheduled appearance at the same time on Letterman's show, allegedly to return to Washington because of the financial crisis; September 24, 2008; [http://www.topix.com/world/puerto-rico/2008/09/david-letterman-roasts-john-mccain-for-skipping-out-on-late-show-n-y-daily-news-24-09-08?threadid=FR0PGR9P3S37RN7H] [http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2008/09/somebodys_putting_something_in.html] [http://washingtonindependent.com/7466/letterman-do-his-cronkite]

* Just because a candidate's opponent says something is true about that candidate doesn't necessarily mean you should lead with it.
** [[Rachel Maddow]], on several media's leading with McCain's claim that Obama switched his Iraq policy; July 7, 2008; ''Countdown'';[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25587069/]

* John McCain was a beloved colleague. He was a patriot. He was truly an American hero. He had remarkable intellect. He had an iron will, most certainly. He had unquestionable integrity and courage that was absolutely unwavering. When I think about John and how John approached issues, John was one who did what he thought was right. When he thought he was right, there wasn't much arguing with him--he was right. Even then, we would engage, we would go back and forth, and I think oftentimes it was those arguments that caused us to either gain greater respect or perhaps greater fear, depending on where you were in the process.  John was one of those guys who favored straight talk. I don't think he would have any hard feelings about any of us describing our relationship with him over the years. We didn't always agree, and sometimes we didn't even get along, but the truth was, John McCain would always make sure you knew where he stood.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* John was very clear that you had to earn his respect. Respect was not something that came with the title. The fact that you were a U.S. Senator didn't mean you had earned his respect. And I know because I felt that in my early years here in the Senate. I came through an appointment, and I think John McCain was just going to wait to see if I was able to prove myself, and he ultimately decided, apparently, that I had. He came up to me one day--we were actually walking down the aisle there, and he came up and he said: &quot;You know, you are OK, kid.&quot; And for that, that was high praise.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* There were legendary back-and-forths, and sometimes you won, sometimes John won, but it was always with a great deal of passion that these exchanges moved forward. Then there was the other end of the spectrum--those times when John and I were voting together, sometimes against the majority of our own party. Healthcare and the ACA vote last year is certainly a prime example of that. That was a tough vote. That was a tough vote for our conference. It was a difficult vote, but I will tell you, it was comforting to have some solidarity with my friend John McCain even when it was clear that we may have disagreed with many of our colleagues. But John was one who, when he had made up his mind up, he had made up his mind, and you respected that.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

* Senator Graham observed that John will not be replaced by any one Senator. It is going to take all of us working together. It is going to take all of us to really accomplish what John knew we were capable of. By coming together, respecting one another, one another's principles, even when we disagree, and working through these disagreements to compromise--that is how we really honor John's legacy. There are a lot of words, and these words will come and go, but the way to truly honor him is to live out what he believed this Senate is capable of doing. We were reminded that there is a little John McCain in all of us. I think it would be good for us to remind one another of that, to urge the inner John McCain in each of us to present itself in a way that betters our institution.
** [[Lisa Murkowski]] in [https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CREC-2018-09-04/html/CREC-2018-09-04-pt1-PgS6014.htm Congressional Record Volume 164, Number 146] (4 September 2018)

*  It's not change when John McCain decided to stand with George Bush 95 percent of the time, as he did in the Senate last year.
** Sen. [[Barack Obama]]; 3 June 2008 in Minnesota and later in June campaign letter; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/03/AR2008060300273_pf.html]

* I welcome Senator McCain’s important statement on [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan’s]] legacy and the need to move toward a world free of nuclear weapons.  In my speech in Prague, I outlined my agenda for keeping the American people safe from the dangers posed by nuclear weapons, and I am grateful to John McCain for his leadership on these critical issues.  I have outlined an ambitious strategy for promoting arms control and preventing nuclear terrorism and proliferation, which is already bearing fruit.  I look forward to working with Senator McCain and the entire Congress to ensure that we accomplish these goals together for the American people and the security of the entire planet.
** [[Barack Obama]] in [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/statement-president-senator-mccains-speech-about-a-world-without-nuclear-weapons ''Statement by the President on Senator McCain's speech about a world without nuclear weapons''] (3 June 2009)

* Though both Sen. Obama and Sen. Biden have been going on lately about how they are always, quote, &quot;fighting for you,&quot; let us face the matter squarely. There is only one man in this election who has ever really fought for you.
** [[w:Sarah Palin|Sarah Palin]], from RNC Vice-Presidential acceptance speech [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94258995]

* I would never vote for anyone who thinks its funny to &quot;Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran&quot;.
** Republican Senator [[Ron Paul]] on McCain's comments regarding Iran

* Many in the audience had already been riled up by Trump’s famous dismissal of McCain’s years as a POW — &quot;I like people who weren’t captured.&quot; They’d been appalled when, just months earlier, a Trump White House aide allegedly dismissed the opinion of the cancer-stricken McCain because &quot;he’s dying anyway.&quot; They’d been enraged that, two days before the memorial service, Trump had again attacked McCain after reports of his refusal to lower American flags in his honor. On Election Day, many of them — led by McCain’s widow, [[Cindy McCain|Cindy]] — took revenge: Arizona is on target to choose a Democrat — Biden — for the first time in almost 25 years. Biden’s early lead was such that Fox News declared him the winner in the Grand Canyon State on Tuesday, altering the electoral math and pulling the rug out from under Trump’s plans to claim victory in the overall polling before the Biden-leaning mailed ballots were counted in the Midwestern states.
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Arizona was, in many ways, ground zero of the Trump presidency. It was the prime locus of his furious denunciations of illegal immigrants, which spurred his political rise. It was where he built his signature border wall. It was the home of former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the chain gang-loving lawman whom Trump pardoned after his conviction for violating a court order, but whom many Republicans had long grown to consider a provocative embarrassment to their party. It was where Trump warred with former Republican Sen. Jeff Flake, a McCain loyalist, but also staged raucous rallies, including a pair in the week before the election. '''But in the end, the more moderate, independent politics epitomized by McCain sent Trump packing.'''
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Former McCain staffers, including Woods, actively encouraged Arizona’s Republicans to come out in public support of Biden, not just on account of Trump’s poor treatment of McCain but because they believed the former senator would have voted his conscience for Biden, too.
** Politico in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/08/john-mccain-arizonas-gop-defeat-donald-trump-434913 ''‘I loved John McCain’: Inside Arizona’s GOP movement to defeat Donald Trump''] (8 November 2020)

* Like Burr for [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], John McCain would, no doubt, be a great vote-getting asset to [[John Kerry|Kerry]]. Two decorated Vietnam War Navy veterans would fortify the foreign policy and national security credentials of the Democratic slate. But McCain was an ardent supporter of President Bush’s move to liberate Iraq. As a surrogate campaigner for Bush in New Hampshire this year, McCain defended President Bush against the attacks by Kerry and Gov. Howard Dean on the issue of Iraq. In addition, McCain is a right-to-lifer and an anti-gun-control hardliner. Those two stands would be hard for most Democrats to accept. Yet many counter by arguing that the Democrats would swallow the pill of McCain if it would mean recovery of the White House and the ouster of the hated Bush.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* But if Kerry does take on McCain and win, he may live to regret it. To say that the Arizona senator is not a team player is an understatement. He is known for being outspoken, petulant and fractious. Far from toeing any administration line, John McCain would relish the attention by frequently crossing it.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Johnson]] played the good soldier as vice president in the three years before JFK’s assassination. But I wouldn’t bet on John McCain doing the same.
** ''The Pueblo Chieftain'' in [https://www.chieftain.com/story/opinion/columns/2004/03/21/kerry-mccain-ticket-to-trouble/8455001007/ ''Kerry/McCain? Ticket to trouble''] (20 March 2004)

* Mr. McCain fought in Vietnam. I think that he has enough blood of peaceful citizens on his hands. It must be impossible for him to live without these disgusting scenes anymore. Mr. McCain was captured and they kept him not just in prison, but in a pit for several years. Anyone would go nuts.
** Vladimir Putin, Live Question &amp; Answer session, December 15, 2011 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8958294/Vladimir-Putin-calls-John-McCain-nuts-in-outspoken-attack.html]

* McCain has gone … too far.
** Republican strategist Karl Rove, on the accuracy of claims in various McCain campaign ads; September 14, 2008; [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/14/campaign.wrap/index.html]

* Although the election has only just ended, it is clear why Sen. John McCain lost. It is not because millions of people viewed now-President-Elect Barack Obama as a beacon of hope in a harsh world, or because they thought he transcended ideological, racial and other traditional boundaries, or because countless voters believed that he could truly change the face of American politics. These are all reasons, but not the reason. And the reason why McCain lost is because he lost the moderate vote when he had every chance to win it. The GOP base has never been enamored with McCain, and while social and religious conservatives publicly complain about the Arizona senator, the base still votes Republican. This was never in doubt. On the opposite end of the political spectrum, most Democrats were going to vote for Obama, even those dejected after he defeated Sen. [[Hillary Clinton]] (D-N.Y.) in the Democratic primaries. '''Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin may have energized her party’s base as McCain’s pick for vice president, but the idea that she effectively drew Hillary supporters away from the Obama camp into McCain’s is ludicrous.''' The voting bloc left standing, therefore, was the moderate vote.
** Aaron Schumacher in [https://tuftsdaily.com/opinion/2008/11/06/why-john-mccain-lost/ ''Why John McCain lost''] (6 November 2008)

* My relative calls himself an independent and is educated but solidly middle class. He has a great deal of respect for McCain due to the senator’s service to his country and his maverick reputation. In short, my relative epitomizes the kind of voter that McCain appealed to and counted on for support. '''But the McCain that my relative and many other moderate voters knew in 2000, when he ran for president and garnered a great deal of support from both sides of the aisle, was not the same man in 2008.''' In his campaign against Obama, he used the same negative tactics used against him in 2000 that he so vehemently denounced at the time; his campaign seemed unpredictable and unsteady, impatient and excitable; and his political stunts, such as suspending his campaign to go to Washington, D.C. ostensibly to provide leadership in the midst of the economic crisis, were not well-received.
** Aaron Schumacher in [https://tuftsdaily.com/opinion/2008/11/06/why-john-mccain-lost/ ''Why John McCain lost''] (6 November 2008)

* For moderate voters like my relative, they tried to ignore, subconsciously or not, the criticism being heaped on McCain for choosing Palin and his increasing negativity in his attack ads and rhetoric. But as the weeks wore on and Nov. 4 drew nearer, moderate voters who liked McCain saw fewer and fewer positive attributes. My relative sincerely wanted to support McCain, for while he didn’t dislike Obama, he just couldn’t vote for him based on a gut feeling — a common sentiment found among moderate voters nationwide. He never mentioned anything about Obama’s inexperience or race; just that he just couldn’t see him as our country’s commander in chief. '''In the end, my relative’s mind won out over his heart. The weekend before Nov. 4, he made up his mind and decided to vote for Obama. He cited two main reasons: Firstly, the John McCain that my relative knew in 2000 was no longer the man he saw in 2008, and secondly, he simply got scared by the possibility of Sarah Palin in the White House. This viewpoint was shared by moderate voters all over the United States and doomed McCain’s chance at the presidency.'''
** Aaron Schumacher in [https://tuftsdaily.com/opinion/2008/11/06/why-john-mccain-lost/ ''Why John McCain lost''] (6 November 2008)

* The irony is that McCain had the best shot of any Republican candidate to win the election, despite his unpopularity with the party base. Given his record, he was better-positioned than any other Republican to overcome his association with the Bush administration. Simply put, however, he never did this. '''There is much to admire in McCain. Deep down, he is an honorable, principled man who has served his country for the majority of his life. His maverick label has been tarnished, fairly or not, but he has reached across the aisle on big issues on multiple occasions.''' True, he did and said things during this campaign that go against the convictions that many people believe he holds true. But it was an exhausting campaign, and things are always said that are regretted later by both sides. He was gracious in his concession speech — probably the best speech he’s given in the entire campaign — and he deserves our respect.
** Aaron Schumacher in [https://tuftsdaily.com/opinion/2008/11/06/why-john-mccain-lost/ ''Why John McCain lost''] (6 November 2008)

* In the end, McCain’s campaign couldn’t create or sustain a consistent message, which he desperately needed to connect with voters. The campaign reflected McCain’s current public personality — restless, erratic and temperamental. This notion, coupled with the choices he made to mollify the GOP base, alienated the type of voter that he needed to attract in order to win the election, and sealed his fate as the underdog going into Election Day. '''In the last few months, McCain talked a lot about the importance of character, but it was his own character that came into question by my relative and other moderate voters — his former defenders turned estranged opponents.'''
** Aaron Schumacher in [https://tuftsdaily.com/opinion/2008/11/06/why-john-mccain-lost/ ''Why John McCain lost''] (6 November 2008)

* With Barack Obama holding a consistent 6-to-11 percentage-point lead in all recent national polls -- the stuff of an electoral vote landslide -- the 2008 campaign seems poised to enter its [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]] phase. That is the moment when John McCain, like virtually every losing candidate for more than half a century, invokes the ghost of &quot;Give ’em hell, Harry&quot; and the fading memories of a miracle 1948 electoral upset. About the only worse omen for McCain is when Republican talking points start to include the banalities of desperation like, &quot;The only poll that matters is the one on Election Day.&quot; Republicans are already starting to gird themselves for a Nov. 4 debacle. A front-page story in Sunday's ''New York Times'' featured GOP leaders lamenting the disarray in the McCain campaign. More ominous for McCain are the results of a secret-ballot survey by National Journal magazine of roughly 100 prominent Republican campaign consultants. Freed from the demands of on-the-record spin, 80 percent of these operatives admitted that it was highly likely that Obama would win the White House. The other 20 percent -- the cockeyed optimists of the GOP camp -- predicted that the election could go either way.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* The last time the self-described Arizona &quot;maverick&quot; tried to shake up the election, he melodramatically suspended his campaign to return to Washington to do virtually nothing to ease the financial crisis. This may, in hindsight, be remembered as the 48 hours in which McCain lost the White House, since the whole thing (down to the brinksmanship over participating in the first debate) struck many voters as a political stunt. McCain's prior desperation gambit -- the selection of a &quot;you betcha&quot; [[Sarah Palin|Alaska governor]] as his running mate -- also does not look like the stuff of lasting political genius. But McCain still has a few gambits that he might try, especially if the alternative were a stinging defeat. Some Republicans wonder if the 72-year-old McCain should make an &quot;I will serve only one term&quot; pledge, so that as president he would be free of all political pressure (yeah, sure) in his effort to reform Washington and confront the deadly earmark crisis.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* What polling mavens too often forget is that an election is not a computer simulation or a contest decided by the best use of regression analyses in analyzing published data. '''As a one-time event, all that is required is for a winning candidate to get lucky, very lucky, on Election Day. And a passionate embrace from Lady Luck is probably now the only way that John McCain will ever find himself behind the desk in the Oval Office.'''
** Walter Shapiro in [https://www.salon.com/2008/10/13/obama_69/ ''How John McCain could still win''] (13 October 2008)

* The end of a lengthy political career is almost invariably sad, whether the final act is defeat, infirmity, or death. [[Ted Kennedy]] and John McCain both fought valiantly in public to remain active senators despite the dire diagnosis of aggressive brain cancer. Former segregationist [[Strom Thurmond]] treated the Senate as a high-class rest home as he—barely able to recognize his surroundings—nominally served the people of South Carolina until he died in office at age 100.
** Walter Shapiro in [https://newrepublic.com/article/166111/dianne-feinstein-age-issues-resign-now ''Dianne Feinstein Can Resign Now With Dignity, or...''] (15 April 2022)

* And then there was his complicated relationship with our state. John McCain lived in many places after Vietnam, but for the last 36 years he called Arizona home, and represented the state in Congress — from 1982 to 1986 as a representative, and then from ‘86 to his death as a member of the United States Senate. McCain embraced Arizona, adopting the pretty landscape of central Phoenix and Cornville, posting photos of red-rock hikes, but doing very little during his tenure to support the state. In fact, his stand against “pork-barrel politics” at a time when his colleagues in Congress were busy lining their own states’ pockets with infrastructure cost Arizona dearly while increasing McCain’s popularity as a refreshingly honest leader who turned down handouts. In a lot of ways, it didn’t matter what state he lived in. '''John McCain was America’s senator, not Arizona’s, a transplant (or a carpetbagger — again, it depends on your perspective) who adopted the state as his own.'''
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* McCain will not likely go down in history as Arizona’s favorite son. That title may ultimately belong to the late Carl Hayden, who used his own role in the Senate to secure water rights for the state; perhaps to another late senator, [[Barry Goldwater]], a true political iconoclast; or maybe to a favorite daughter, former Supreme Court Justice [[Sandra Day O’Connor]]. Favorite? No, although he never won an election in the state with less than an extra-wide margin. But McCain will certainly be remembered by many of us as Arizona’s most fascinating son.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* But I can’t help but wonder if the long view will be quite so kind to McCain. Will John McCain go down in history as the refreshing voice of reason, the antidote to Trump? He might. Or history might take a different view. Will McCain instead be remembered as the man who opened the door in 2008 to Sarah Palin, simultaneously setting the table for the Tea Party and ultimately making a spot for Trump himself? It all depends on your perspective.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* One of the most fascinating parts of their story is the Game Change authors’ insistence that John McCain – he of the clenched fists and frequent outbursts, the infamous temper – never publicly repudiated [[Sarah Palin]]. McCain’s advisors, staff and friends, yes. They complained long and hard and nastily about her in ensuing years. But never the senator, Heilemann and Halperin write. And now, as the nation says farewell to one of the most fascinating politicians in history, a question remains: Will all of John McCain’s railing against Donald Trump ever make up for the fact that it might have been the senator’s own desperation to win in 2008 that led the nation to this point? Only time will tell.
** Amy Silverman in [https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/john-mccain-america-senator-arizona-obituary-10001670 ''Vintage John McCain: Dead at 81, He Was America's Senator, Not Arizona's''] (25 August 2018)

* I have witnessed incidents where he has used profanity at colleagues and exploded at colleagues. He would disagree about something and then explode. It was incidents of irrational behavior. We've all had incidents where we have gotten angry, but I've never seen anyone act like that....He had very few friends in the Senate. He has a lot of support around the country, but I don't think he has a lot of support from people who know him well.
** Former Senator Bob Smith, a New Hampshire Republican who served with Senator McCain on the Senate Armed Services Committee. [http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2006/7/5/00548.shtml]

*We really have to fault the mass media of the United States, not just for the last few days, but the last decades, pretending that somehow, by implication, almost that [[John McCain]] was doing the people of North Vietnam a favor as he flew over them and dropped bombs. You would think, in the hagiography that we’ve been getting about his role in a squadron flying over North Vietnam, that he was dropping, you know, flowers or marshmallows or something. He was shot down during his 23rd mission dropping bombs on massive numbers of human beings, in a totally illegal and immoral war.   
**[[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/8/27/obit_omit_what_the_media_leaves '''''What the Media Leaves Out of John McCain’s Record of Misogyny and Militarism,  Amy Goodman, Democracy Now!'''  (roundtable discussion on the life and legacy of John McCain)'']    (27 August 2018)

* '''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—&lt;br /&gt;'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.&lt;br /&gt;'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell ya.
** [[Donald Trump]], Family Leadership Summit 2015, {{#formatdate:2015-07-18}}, quoted in {{citation
 | date = 2015-07-18
 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured'
 | author = Harriet Alexander
 | newspaper = The Telegraph
 | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html
}}

* I hardly know Cindy McCain other than having put her on a Committee at her husband’s request. Joe Biden was John McCain’s lapdog. So many BAD decisions on Endless Wars &amp; the V.A., which I brought from a horror show to HIGH APPROVAL. Never a fan of John. Cindy can have Sleepy Joe!
** [[Donald Trump]] in a tweet responding to Cindy McCain's endorsement of Joe Biden, as cited by [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-54270478 ''US election 2020: Trump attacks McCain widow after Biden endorsement''] (23 September 2020)

* McCain ran an aggressive, hard-hitting campaign against former Congressman [[J. D. Hayworth]]. If he had taken this same kind of principled conservative and ‘take no prisoners’ campaign against [[Barack Obama]] in 2008, he’d now be in the second year of his presidency.
** [[Richard Viguerie]] about McCain campaign against J. D. Hayworth. [https://web.archive.org/web/20100925104907/http://www.conservativehq.com/blog_post/show/755 25 August 2010]

* But the more one sees of [McCain's] impulsive, intensely personal reactions to people and events, the less confidence one has that he would select judges by calm reflection and clear principles, having neither patience nor aptitude for either.
** Conservative pundit [[George Will]]; September 23, 2008; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/22/AR2008092202583.html] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/23/george-will-goes-off-mcca_n_128482.html] [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/27/AR2008022703205.html]

*He passed the way he lived, on his own terms, surrounded by the people he loved, in the place he loved best.
**[[Cindy McCain]], per [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/26/us-senator-john-mccain-dead-81/ 26 August 2018 Telegraph]

*My husband, John McCain, never viewed himself as larger than life—but he was. He believed in [[fighting]] for the [[good]] and never quitting, and he had more [[tenacity]] and [[resolve]] than anybody I ever met.
**Cindy McCain, ''Stronger''

*I remembered what John used to tell me—that if you get in a fight with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
**Cindy McCain, ''Stronger''

*[[Dianne Feinstein|Feinstein]] is a trailblazer and one of the most successful women in American political history, but not one of its greatest senators. Feinstein has never been connected to a singular important issue, as the late [[Ted Kennedy]] was with healthcare. Nor has she authored any landmark legislation, as John McCain and [[Russ Feingold]] did with their namesake 2002 campaign finance reform bill.
** Lincoln Mitchell in [https://theconversation.com/senator-dianne-feinstein-faces-pressure-to-end-her-30-years-representing-california-151986 ''Senator Dianne Feinstein faces pressure to end her 30 years representing California''] (14 April 2022)

* The reality is that while McCain's ghost may be smiling over the karma of Trump's loss of Arizona, the McCain-Trump feud was only one factor. While the senator was beloved by many in Arizona, not least because of his heroism in Vietnam (Trump avoided service claiming bone spurs), many residents new to the state have little knowledge of him. About half of the state's total population was added between the time McCain was first elected to the Senate in 1986 until his death, based on US Census Bureau data from 1980 and 2019. In addition, while many people came to the state every year, a significant number left -- even if the total kept growing. Arizona added 2.2 million residents from 2010 to 2018, while seeing 1.7 million move to other states. In other words, it's entirely possible that this churn prevented the kind of civic attachment that would have left a large cohort of Arizonans holding a grudge against Trump over his treatment of McCain.
** Jon Talton in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/13/opinions/joe-biden-flips-arizona-election-2020-talton/index.html ''McCain's revenge? Biden's win in Arizona is more than that''] (13 November 2020)

* '''While the John McCain factor may not have been decisive in the Arizona vote, for some it likely resonated. And it wasn't only personal history and view of service that divided Trump from McCain. It was also their demeanor in presidential campaigning and ultimate defeat.'''
** Jon Talton in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/13/opinions/joe-biden-flips-arizona-election-2020-talton/index.html ''McCain's revenge? Biden's win in Arizona is more than that''] (13 November 2020)

*We’re not going to support that loser’s funeral,.. What the fuck are we doing that for? Guy was a fucking loser,
**Quote  by [[President Trump]] (say anonymous sources) when McCain died in August 2018 according to [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/  Trump: Americans Who Died in War Are ‘Losers’ and ‘Suckers’] ([[w:the Atlantic|the Atlantic]] September 2020)
*It is not terror but heroism  if you were captured by the Vietnamese  for dropping fragmentation bombs  on their schools and hospitals  Only those who have nothing   can be terrorists.  
**Anonymous member of [[the Weather Underground]], “For the SLA”. ‘’Sing a Battle Song’’, Spring 1974. Likely a reference to McCain who was released the prior Spring.

* I know what he’s capable of — he’s capable of bigness that we didn’t see that in general election campaign that was run. I would hope that’s the path that he goes down. His political epitaph is going to be dictated by how he conducts himself in next six or 13 years. Will he be seen as a giant of the Senate who came back from a presidential loss like Scoop Jackson, [[Robert Taft]] or [[Ted Kennedy]], or will he go down a different path? Only he can decide it.
** John Weaver, as quoted in [https://www.politico.com/blogs/ben-smith/2009/12/mccain-party-man-023432 ''McCain, party man''] (11 December 2019)

==Footnotes==
&lt;references /&gt;

== External links == 
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}
*{{wikisource-inline|Author:John McCain}}
* [http://mccain.senate.gov/ Official site] 
* [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18573163/ Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) discusses his 2008 presidential bid]

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'''''[[w:Dinosaur Comics|Dinosaur Comics]]''''' is a weekdaily, [[w:constrained comics|constrained]] [[w:webcomic|webcomic]] by Canadian writer [[Ryan North]] featuring talking dinosaurs and covering subjects from the banal to the philosophical. Each comic is the same picture, but with different dialogue. Each strip, in addition to the dialogue, contains three Easter Eggs: the title (available in the RSS feed), the subject for the comments e-mails, and a tooltip.
__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
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|align=center | '''[[#2003|2003]]'''
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|align=center | [[#February 2003|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2003|March]]
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|align=center | [[#May 2003|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2003|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2003|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2003|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2003|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2003|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2003|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2003|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2004|2004]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2004|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2004|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2004|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2004|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2004|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2004|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2004|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2004|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2004|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2004|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2004|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2004|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2005|2005]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2005|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2005|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2005|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2005|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2005|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2005|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2005|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2005|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2005|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2005|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2005|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2005|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2006|2006]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2006|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2006|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2006|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2006|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2006|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2006|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2006|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2006|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2006|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2006|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2006|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2006|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2007|2007]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2007|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2007|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2007|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2007|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2007|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2007|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2007|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2007|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2007|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2007|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2007|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2007|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2008|2008]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2008|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2008|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2008|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2008|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2008|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2008|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2008|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2008|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2008|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2008|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2008|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2008|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2009|2009]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2009|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2009|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2009|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2009|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2009|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2009|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2009|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2009|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2009|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2009|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2009|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2009|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2010|2010]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2010|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2010|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2010|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2010|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2010|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2010|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2010|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2010|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2010|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2010|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2010|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2010|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2011|2011]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2011|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2011|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2011|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2011|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2011|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2011|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2011|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2011|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2011|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2011|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2011|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2011|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2012|2012]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2012|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2012|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2012|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2012|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2012|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2012|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2012|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2012|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2012|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2012|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2012|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2012|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2022|2022]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2022|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2022|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2022|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2022|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2022|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2022|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2022|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2022|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2022|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2022|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2022|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2022|December]]
|-
|align=center colspan=13| [[#External links|External links]]
|}
&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== 2003 ==

=== February 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=1 February 1, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 1, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': crazy utahraptor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=2 February 2, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=3 February 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The emphasis on male oppression is continued as I stand poised to crush this woman beneath my man-foot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=4 February 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). Lesbians!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 4, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': I too have consummated my love for my roommate of the same gender. Now when I see him (quite often, as it turns out) there is a tension that hurts me. Right here.
:'''T-Rex''': ''['''LATER...''']'' '''I''' was his roommate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=5 February 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The realization that I've had a homosexual affair with the Utahraptor THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER AT ALL profoundly disturbs me. How could I forget such a thing? I wonder what it was like? Maybe I was really good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=6 February 6, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone is more articulate in their heads

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=7 February 7, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': notice how he avoided the overdose question

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 7, 2003''
:'''Subject''': keep your nose out of my nutritional business

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=8 February 10, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I expect this &quot;zinger&quot; to go down in history as the best of its kind ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=9 February 11, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's great?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not being a T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': No! Not being a Utahrapt- God damn it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Knock, knock.
:'''Utahraptor''': Who's there?
:'''T-Rex''': Utah.
:'''Utahraptor''': *sigh* Utah who?
:'''T-Rex''': Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! And I was a very good student!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do you even listen to yourself? 
:'''T-Rex''': No, but - see? I learnt it from '''you'''!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': All those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 12, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': we have all experienced the disappointment of a homemade joke not being recognized as genius

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=11 February 13, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 13, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=12 February 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! It would be so much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=13 February 17, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? As a dinosaur, I mean. It's time to live this day...TO THE MAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=14 February 18, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=15 February 19, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=16 February 20, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Mankind was foolish to unleash us upon the world! Who are they to play God?
:'''T-Rex''': You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=17 February 21, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for taking control of my life! No longer will I allow myself to be pushed around (by random chance or otherwise)!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe you should stop being a jerk also! Maybe THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''Subject''': you know there's other punctuation besides the exclaimation and question mark, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=18 February 24, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Relationships take time and effort. They can't happen overnight.
:'''T-Rex''': HEY! That's not what your Mom said! Last night! When we had SEX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 24, 2003''
:'''Subject''': your mom is so considerably obese

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=19 February 25, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Uh, well, what I want to say is that I'm sorry I said I had sex with your Mom last night. I actually didn't have sex with anyone last night. Or ever, for that matter.
:'''Utahraptor''': WHAT? What about us?!
:'''T-Rex''': I can't help it if I can't remember it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=20 February 26, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': How are you?
:'''Utahraptor''': Great! AND, I finally thought of the perfect answer to the question you asked me, two weeks ago!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh?
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;No&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 26, 2003''
:'''Subject''': holy shit did i enter another time warp???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=21 February 27, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': truly, the salient elements of the film have been distilled and displayed, in comic form

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 27, 2003''
:'''Subject''': where did the hair dryer come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=22 February 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for people volunteering unwanted personal information about themselves!  Should be awkward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 28, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hey, I had a dream about you last night, only you had my mother's body, and, um- Father's genitals.

=== March 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=23 March 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you are still confused, re-read this comic and I will explain things for you again.
:'''Tooltip''': if i am going too fast, re-read it again more slowly

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=24 March 4, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': I have to say I love you In an email!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=25 March 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in a very tiny car. When I woke up, my arms were sore! True story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 5, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': how did a t-rex sleep? they have such stubby arms, how could they get up? seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=26 March 6, 2003]''
:'''Reuters News Service''': These remarkable tracks are joined by those of an adult Utahraptor, who apparently stopped and stood face to face with the T-Rex (one almost wants to speculate that the two were engaged in sparkling conversation) before returning the way he came...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=27 March 7, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I see all of my relations in economic terms! You provide value to me by providing me a &quot;sounding board&quot; for my ideas, and also (potentially) as a mate! Conversely, this house provides no value to me, and my relation with it is understandably strained! 
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': please leave me be

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 7, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Does not seeing everything through the lens of economics ultimately reduce all relationships, in factall of life, to mere line items on a hypothetical statement of earnings?
:'''T-Rex''': Shit!
:'''Tooltip''': he hadn't thought of that

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=35 March 19, 2003]''
:'''Evil T-Rex''': I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because 'bad' is 'good' to us! And by 'us', I mean the entire universe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=41 March 27, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have much to offer a potential mate! I am big and strong and oh so sexy! If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighborhood, to be my companion and also to have sex with!

=== April 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=50 April 9, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I have no input of value relative to this specific situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=53 April 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The problem of course is the fiancé, who (as I understand it) does not support his wife-to-be sleeping around with another man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=54 April 15, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': Dinosaurs, or Man-Lizards, to-day knowne as G-d's Mistake, had assum'd Domain over all the Worlde, including the dark Lands of China-Men.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': By no means Fit for their Purpose as Kings and Queens, the Dinosaurs spread Fear and Incontenience, along with several similar Inconveniencies, which neither can be Described nor Understood without having first seen one of the Færsome beasts for oneself; thy Stars are indeed Fortunate, for in to-day's Moderne Age, the only such Animale thy shall see is in a rare Wood-Cut or handsel Picture-Book, where thou art Protected from the joyn'd Devourment and Digestione by the Fictionality of the Beast in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': The stern voice of Science tells us that these Monstrosities, once having exhausted the Novelty of Death-giving, simply took it as a Matter-of-Course, and paid it little Attenshon, likely dedicating the remainder of their Faculities towards some Conversation and Jokery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=56 April 17, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm sorry we ever had a homosexual affair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=63 April 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wish I was never born!

=== May 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=69 May 6, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have been working on a script: a noir about a computer programmer who gets involved in a snuff film conspiracy. The title? (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder!

=== June 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=105 June 26, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': love is when she send you an instant message that says 'u r my sweetie' and you reply 'i [heart emoticon] u'

=== July 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=113 July 8, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... under the couch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=119 July 16, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! 

=== August 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=133 August 5, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;Quite affable at times&quot;? That's it? That's my compliment? That's pretty weak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=135 August 7, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=139 August 13, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Sorry, was that too eager? Running up behind you like that? Too eager? T-Rex?
=== September 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=153 September 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So I have started a new screenplay, based on Structured Query Language for databases! It's called...UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'!

=== October 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=173 October 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I love lesbian weddings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 3, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': today's last panel is ANOTHER good e-mail signature line! &lt;br&gt;especially if you're a businessman/woman!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Imagine:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

=== November 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=197 November 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things!

=== December 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=221 December 23, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM.

== 2004 ==
=== January 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=227 January 1, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resoltuions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 1, 2004''
:'''Tooltip''': i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=233 January 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! These things DON'T EXIST. Also: objectivity.
:'''Subject''': people are inventing new things that don't exist all the time

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2004''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that exist include book reports and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made, of course, out of ham and cheese! These things EXIST. Also: rock concerts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=243 January 28, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who!

=== February 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=253 February 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are!

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000260.html February 24, 2004]''
: (After T-Rex invites everyone over for an 'Ice cream night')
:'''T-Rex''': Shit, it's still winter!

=== March 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=268 March 8, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time!

=== April 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=304 April 28, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

=== May 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=311 May 11, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Curiosity: SATISFIED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=318 May 20, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's funny? Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=313 May 13, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, 'I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!' Your current mood was 'kingly'! I thought to myself, 'T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=319 May 24, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy!
:'''T-Rex''': Why's that?
:'''Utahraptor''': You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane.
:'''T-Rex''': Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! Observe!

=== June 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000334.html June 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have failed to prove my point!
:'''Tooltip''': i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

=== July 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=353 July 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copyright law is logically INCOHERENT.

=== August 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=363 August 4, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Explore your feelings?&quot; Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! Whom, it's worth noting, I respect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=364 August 5, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the internet.
=== September 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=385 September 8, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I warn you: a school burning down? Pretty wacky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=391 September 16, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have faith in random developements of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? You attractive individual!

=== October 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=417 October 31, 2004]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': But T-Rex, most fanfiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other!

=== November 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000422.html November 08, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole!
:'''Utahraptor''': Ewwww! &quot;All up in my earhole&quot;? That's disgusting! &quot;Earhole&quot;! Man! Friendship annulled! You're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=428 November 16, 2004]
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2?

=== December 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=411 December 7, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=445 December 14, 2004]
:'''Narration''': TEEN MAGAZEEN by t-rex&lt;br/&gt;&quot;friends with benefits&quot;: pretty hot&lt;br/&gt;are you fully aware of sex? maybe not?&lt;br/&gt;special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed&lt;br/&gt;plus: understanding europe

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=455 December 30, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I have lived as few men dared dream!

== 2005 ==

=== January 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=456 January 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': '''!''' &quot;We can sexy&quot; is totally going to be my epitaph! For reals!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=458 January 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=461 January 10, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Whatever, man! WHAT to the EV to the E R!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=469 January 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's part of the fiction! The SCIENCE FICTION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=472 January 27, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY'''&lt;br/&gt;'''FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT'''

=== February 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=478 February 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Woooo! Spring break WOOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 February 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''February 17, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Your whole family is made out of meat.

=== March 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=492 March 2, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX - WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''March 2, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=493 March 3, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! WE'LL BE LIKE &quot;HELLO T-REX&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=498 March 10, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS'''
:'''T-Rex''': Must be nice!!
:'''Devil''': '''THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=499 March 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Stupid whitelist spam protection systems!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=500 March 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX''

=== April 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=517 April 11, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''BY THE WAY THAT IS A CATCHY TUNE T-REX&lt;br/&gt;I'M GONNA STEAL IT OK'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=523 April 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES'''
:'''T-Rex''': Great! Let's talk about that instead!
:'''Devil''': '''I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR'''
:'''Tooltip''': welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=525 April 21, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
:'''T-Rex''': A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!

=== May 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=532 May 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien-OH MY GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=534 May 4, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=535 May 5, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES FROM'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''May 5, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS&lt;br/&gt;HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF FIFTY POINTS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=536 May 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups! Each person has their own unique properties and outlook on life. Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=539 May 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I'm amazing. I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=543 May 18, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=546 May 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''':  Yes, well - Utahraptor. My friend died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=547 May 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? I mean witty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=548 May 26, 2005]''
:'''Subject''': i'm programming as hard as i can but still feel sort of empty inside. is this normal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=549 May 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=550 May 31, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when its finished, so when its discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. One is advised to tell one's friends!

=== June 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=551 June 1, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So &quot;werewolf&quot; is actually a more sexist word than &quot;woman&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': According to me: yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=554 June 6, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=560 June 14, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=566 June 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Looks like you've come down on the side of &quot;gendered professional nouns have their occassional uses&quot;!

=== July 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=581 July 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a firm believer in the 'do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves' school of problem solving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=583 July 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Saying &quot;the movie needed more explosions&quot; is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way!
:'''Utahraptor''': I got that, thanks!
:'''T-Rex''': I find that most movies need way more explosions though. You know?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=590 July 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? - Discuss!

=== August 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=593 August 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic &quot;perhaps!&quot; followed by a wide-eyed &quot;who knows??&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=592 August 2, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED'''
:'''T-Rex''': There's no shame in that! I do everything naked!
:'''God''': '''HA - ME TOO MAN'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands!
:'''Utahraptor''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. - Pretty manly! - And pretty consequential!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=609 August 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

=== September 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=613 September 2, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 2, 2005''
:'''Subject''': random encounters take time but can add to experience

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=624 September 21, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY &quot;PARTY&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626 September 26, 2005]''
'''HOUR 34:'''
:'''T-Rex''': What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
:'''Utahraptor''': I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
:'''T-Rex''': Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?

=== October 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=631 October 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=632 October 4, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO'''
:'''T-Rex''': Then why don't you do anything about it?
:'''God''': '''I HAVE MAN&lt;br/&gt;ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD&lt;br/&gt;ZING
:'''Tooltip''': those poo bugs, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=633 October 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word &quot;awesome&quot; a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited?
:'''T-Rex''': You're right! I'm not certain if overusing &quot;awesome&quot; is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue.
:'''Utahraptor''': So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about?
:'''T-Rex''': Um...it's called - &quot;How to Be&quot;? And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. Live and learn, bitches!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 5, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=635 October 10, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this?
:'''God''': '''I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue?
:'''God''': '''THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=637 October 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! My philosophy - she has her limitations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 12, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=638 October 13, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today, I am selling compliments! ...for PROFIT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 13, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=639 October 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. ! Is that racist??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 14, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging!
:'''Utahraptor''': Really? You think 'tenet' is -
:'''T-Rex''': Screw you!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''subject''': this is only a cognitive linguistic theory, which must be why t-rex says &quot;probably&quot;, however it is a really cool theory, so it's &quot;chance to be true&quot; ratio is raised by at least 15%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=641 October 18, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Who is this &quot;Timmy&quot; guy?
:'''T-Rex''': He's a rhetorical dude! He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=642 October 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is &quot;Heck yes!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. I - I got caught.
:'''Tooltip''': it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''subject''': i think &quot;confession time!&quot; is what priests shout before confession begins. i am almost ninety-nine percent certain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=643 October 20, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though!&lt;br&gt;RUH ROH

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=644 October 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=645 October 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': alternate ending:&lt;br/&gt;god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX&lt;br/&gt;t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them!&lt;br/&gt;god: WELL&lt;br/&gt;THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=646 October 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=647 October 27, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARASSING SECRETS&lt;br&gt; IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN&lt;br&gt;FOR ME&lt;br&gt;GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song &quot;Tubtumping&quot; by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=648 October 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 28, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Can you help me out?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right?
:'''T-Rex''': RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=649 October 31, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarassment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! It has been a night of revelation!
:'''Tooltip''': it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

=== November 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=650 November 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=651 November 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=652 November 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 3, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new &quot;damn the man&quot; persona!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 4, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you're just trying to play &quot;hard to get&quot;. And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 4, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': But, I'm ALSO creating a shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now?
:'''Utahraptor''': Nope!
:'''T-Rex''': Try harder!
:'''Tooltip''': you're doing it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap! There's a bomb in the comic. If I stop stomping the comic will explode! I must stomp unceasingly or we are all surely doomed!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Isn't that all you ever do anyway?
:'''T-Rex''': I must heroically continue to save us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=664 November 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
:'''Utahraptor''': That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
:'''T-Rex''': EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
:'''Tooltip''': grant request: DENIED?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=665 November 18, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=666 November 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 21, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGS!
:'''Devil''': '''I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=667 November 22, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! Man! Friggin' events!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer, is, of course, &quot;by accident&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=668 November 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. What a copycat! It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': this comic applies to my own life in several important ways

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=669 November 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around?
:'''Utahraptor''': The best ones do!
:'''T-Rex''': Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! What is this emotion called 'regret'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=670 November 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=671 November 29, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation!
:'''T-Rex''': That's right, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally &quot;murdering&quot; your friends who shoot down your ideas. I MEAN...OOPS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=672 November 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say &quot;Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I will call my house, &quot;The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done&quot;.

=== December 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=673 December 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? Then they rub their faces on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 1, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i am maybe a little interested just in rubbing my face on the carpet

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=674 December 2, 2005]''
:'''Morris''': oh t-rex it really was a challenge for me today.  but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that.  morris the bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=675 December 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says &quot;exploded&quot; or &quot;drowned&quot; or &quot;poisoned apple&quot; and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': This machine delights in ironically vague deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say &quot;made into delicious cheeseburger&quot;. Not that the cows could understand! Friggin' cheeseburgers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=676 December 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I think it would be great to have my [[last words]] planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=677 December 7, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Also: learning is not a competition?
:'''Tooltip''': IT IS TODAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=678 December 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
:'''Tooltip''': PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i bought a burger and it had no toppings.  no toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=679 December 12, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=681 December 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER HA HA HA WHAT ARE THE ODDS''
:'''Tooltip''': what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=682 December 15, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? E-except for racists.
:'''Tooltip''': FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
:'''Subject''': epilogue: for the rest of t-rex's life, this problem never actually comes up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=683 December 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
:'''God''': HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is &quot;try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch&quot;, which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.
:'''Subject''': I'M more of a one-man 'chatting people up at the debt collection agency' agency

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=684 December 20, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression!  'That dude just fell down the stairs!  Holy smokes!'  It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of 'holy cow' because nobody says 'holy smokes' anymore.  It is forgotten.  It is UNDISCOVERED.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 20, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people where doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that.  he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=685 December 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 21, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle.  it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts.  they just fall to the ground, twitching!  we're really from two different worlds, i think.
:'''Subject''': ATTENTION ROBOTS THAT BUILD CARS: what the hell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=686 December 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet!  I AM SO POOCHED!  I am the worst friend in the world. This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': so wait wait is everyone a sinister robot clone in this comic or what

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=687 December 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have made a very important New Year's Resolution!  It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE.  People will soon all describe things as 'T-Rexian'!  What sort of things? Awesome things, natch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Had I finally and irrevocably 'blown it' with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? Daaaaaang!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i was gonna complain about it not being new year's day in real life when it's new year's day in the comic, but then i was like, dude those dinosaurs are TALKING

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=688 December 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)!  What should it be named? MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Utahraptor''': How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named &quot;Cheeseball&quot; and &quot;Chuggy G&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Subject''': YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS RYAN WHY ARE YOU STILL SUPPORTING THE HETERO-NORMATIVE OWNERSHIP PARADIGM

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=689 December 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time?  Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, 'PERHAPS NOT'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 29, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
:'''Tooltip''': guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now
:'''Subject''': ryan: a guy who is doing comics right now when he probably should be having a shower and putting on pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=690 December 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
:'''Tooltip''': i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 30, 2005''
:'''Subject''': clearly t-rex told utahraptor about the wish to see the future in timeline a, which was distorted into timeline b by the introduction of the vision of tomorrow in panel 4, oh yes.

== 2006 ==

=== January 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=691 January 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be goo gnus to me!
:'''T-Rex''': I will here nun of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME
:'''Subject''': in 2006, 'punchlines' are replaced with 'needless narrative closure'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=692 January 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': SCIENCE CORNER: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? Science says, 'yes!'
:'''Tooltip''': EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER
:'''Subject''': how can you have a science corner without professor science ryan, THE ANSWER IS YOU CAN'T

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=693 January 5, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': But 'begging the question' is mostly used today to mean 'raising the question'!
:'''T-Rex''': I know!  IT'S SO WRONG.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean 'raises the question' than 'a fallacy of presumption', doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
:'''T-Rex''': NO IT DOES NOT.  What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=694 January 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, I am so thirsty.  My thirst is - exquisite.  Sublime.  Immaculate.
:'''God''': GET A DRINK T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': Nopers! I would much rather consider the precise nature of my thirst.  It's - strong!  Insistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 6, 2006''
:'''Narration''': LATER, PERFORMING AID AND SANITATION WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA:
:'''T-Rex''': Man!  EVERYONE has better reasons for being here than me!
:'''Tooltip''': everyone else is all 'oh i felt like i could really make a difference here' and t-rex is all 'well, uh, i wanted to show up my friend?  he's a utahraptor'
:'''Subject''': RYAN ARE YOU BEING PREACHY OR ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WATER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=695 January 10, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! Much like... most things?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me.  Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
:'''Utah raptor''': I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Man!!  Don't leave me hangin'!
:'''Tooltip''': later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''Subject''': t-rex probably says 'most religions' in panel 3 in case there ARE some religions that are all about just going through the motions; religions which he is, as yet, unaware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=696 January 11, 2006]''
:'''God''': HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
:'''T-Rex''': Raising one eyebrow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 11, 2006''
:'''God''': OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
:'''T-Rex''': Why?!  Purple doesn't rhyme with 'machine'.
:'''God''': YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN THANKS T-REX YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
:'''Tooltip''': the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY
:'''Subject''': in heaven the standard bet IS a trillion times the amount of fried chicken an average dude would eat in his lifetime

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=697 January 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers?  This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body &gt;:|

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=698 January 13, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world?  I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex says, 'probably not!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=699 January 16, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I wish for more wishes!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, ouch!  Shot down!  Looks like no wishes for you!
:'''Utahraptor''': This sucks!
:'''T-Rex''': Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
:'''Tooltip''': really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for.  a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.
:'''Subject''': i wish for less people stealing my friggin' fries at lunch

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=700 January 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, it's true!  If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=701 January 18, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dating both twin sisters at the same time: Hot? Or just,in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? I'm afraid that I fall on the 'kind of weird' side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=702 January 19, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex.  Bad things happen to people you like.
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I know!  I know.  I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Does it?
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah.  I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
:'''T-Rex''': Hah!  I SURE have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Narration''': EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! Alright!
:'''Tooltip''': if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=703 January 23, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want.  It's majority rule!  MOB rule!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex.  Not everyone can get everything they want!
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you?  You're pooched!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 23, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Right!  Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
:'''Utahraptor''': Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Really?  Are you serious?? Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
:'''Tooltip''': blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity
:'''Subject''': from democracy to sleepin' in in six easy panels

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=704 January 24, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My favourite are the freegans!
:'''T-Rex''': Where you be vegetarian for free?
:'''Utahraptor''': Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
:'''T-Rex''': That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 24, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat which I find to be tremendously delicious!
:'''Utahraptor''': I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Tooltip''': mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Subject''': there's some resentment there towards a lack of vitamin c and bleeding from the mucous membranes

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=705 January 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! Something like, 'T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)'?
:'''T-Rex''': Man, that's not positive either!
:'''Utahraptor''': How about 'T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!'
:'''T-Rex''': That's even less positive than the first one!!
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning'
:'''T-Rex''': No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
:'''Subject''': sex in the city: like waking up each morning to a mouth flooded with ryoma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
'''LATER:'''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. Not bad, though!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'.  It was very embarrassing to us all.  I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=706 January 26, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex, enough!  Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
:''T-Rex''': No!  Of course not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 26, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': LATER: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing!  I forgive his critical outburst. 'TROUBLE AT HOME??'
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man
:'''Subject''': i've got a terminal case of the rockin' outs AND the rockin' oats :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=707 January 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. Smell associations!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 27, 2006''
:'''Narration''': FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
:'''T-Rex''': You don' know me!
:'''Tooltip''': based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)
:'''Subject''': actually it's a little how smell association works, except for the cartoon pupils part.  that's only how smell association works in cartoons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=708 January 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
:'''Tooltip''': to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0
:'''Subject''': dromiceiomimus considered getting involved in this conversation but then she was like hmm, NOPE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=709 January 31, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': IF YOU ARE DISINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
:'''T-Rex''': Please do!!
:'''Devil''': BUT I CAUTION YOU I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
:'''Tooltip''': for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible
:'''Subject''': oh no the devil has a code for god mode!!!

=== February 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=710 February 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, Dromiceiomimus!  I have a friendship crush on you!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, thank you T-Rex.  You're not so bad yourself.
:'''T-Rex''': A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=711 February 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
:'''T-Rex''': Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
:'''Utahraptor''': They support the entire food chain!
:'''T-Rex''': BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
:'''Utahraptor''': Even sunflowers?  They tilt to follow the sun!
:'''T-Rex''': Don't get me started about sunflowers!  God!  Their salty, boring seeds!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.
:'''Comment''': t-rex approaches plants the way he might approach a new video game console, and finds them lacking in replay value

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''God''': HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know. A lot? They're alright. To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 3, 2006''
:'''Comment''': ryan, i'm a plant and i read your comic yesterday and i got plant-offended

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=713 February 6, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
:'''T-Rex''': No, but -But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out here and entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 6, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': What is this emotion called 'criminal negligence'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=714 February 7, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! Man, nevermind!
:'''Tooltip''': haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=717 February 10, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You can't deal with the &quot;issue&quot; of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
:'''T-Rex''': True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
:'''Utahraptor''': What?
:'''T-Rex''': And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
:'''Tooltip''': i'm pretty sure that's how it works?
:'''Subject''': ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: everyone spends hours arguing over socialism AND communism AND the definitions of both those terms, and it's boring and stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=719 February 14, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day?  that seems like a bit of a stretch!  you are probably overthinking things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
'''BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!'''
:'''T-Rex''': W-... Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=723 February 21, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': a tip of the hat to all our brave men and women who have swallowed a lot of orange juice for no reason

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 February 24, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 February 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
'''LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:'''
:'''T-Rex''': She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke &quot;hysterical&quot;. I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE &quot;HYSTERA&quot; ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:'''
:'''T-Rex''': So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
:'''Off-Frame:''' Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
:'''T-Rex:''' Yes! A &quot;uter-b-gone&quot;. - A womboval?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i am popular at the parties of strangers

=== March 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
:'''T-Rex''': You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding &quot;the one&quot; that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being so &quot;madly in love&quot; with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
:'''T-Rex''': A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
:'''Utahraptor''': You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': it's like saying 'aunt flo' is visiting, only instead you hollah that mc masturbation is in the HOUSE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 March 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! - I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. - IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 March 27, 2006]''
:'''LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.'''
:'''T-Rex''': Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
:'''Tooltip''': arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 March 28, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i am britishfolk and 'nappy' means 'diaper' to me, so this comic is very confusing and maybe a little perverted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 March 29, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

=== April 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': So they're shaped like naughty bits?
:'''T-Rex''': No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
:'''T-Rex''': They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=763 April 26, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! Kapow!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': How was that an accident?
:'''T-Rex''': I didn't see them there, that's all!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
:'''T-Rex''': WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.

=== May 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You're always all, &quot;Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!&quot; You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': that's right, 'memorable lovemaking techniqueS'.  it's plural now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=766 May 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
:'''T-Rex''': Yep!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=767 May 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 4, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 15, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=777 May 18, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': is utahraptor's favourite song really 'all the things she said' by tatu?  it is an easy guess to make because secretly that is everyone's favourite song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=780 May 24, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme.  you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=781 May 25, 2006]''
'''MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!'''
:'''T-Rex''': Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
:'''Off-Frame''': This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=783 May 29, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop.  ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=784 May 30, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah! But &quot;regret index&quot; makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
:'''Utahraptor''': I know I am.
:'''T-Rex''': I, too, remain fully satisfied.

=== June 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787 June 5, 2006]''
:'''LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD:''':
:'''T-Rex''': Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
:'''Tooltip''': this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788 June 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
:'''Cephalopods''': ''WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX''
:'''T-Rex''': Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
:'''Cephalopods''': ''CHILLAXING''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791 June 13 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i would also have accepted 't-rex has an ape / let's see what happens'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801 June 29 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a short SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label &quot;breakfast pleasure&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not entirely certain that you do!
:'''Tooltip''': dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

=== July 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=804 July 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry.
:'''Utahraptor''': That last one is a BIT less attractive.
:'''T-Rex''': I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner.
:'''T-Rex''': Daaaamn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=813 July 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet!
:'''T-Rex''': That's a horrific idea!
:'''T-Rex''': What is wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=816 July 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word &quot;evil&quot; with the phrase &quot;Irish evil&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;COWABUNGA&quot;: ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE'''
:'''T-Rex''': So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
:'''Utahraptor''': In the first formulation, yeah.
:'''T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;I LOVE YOU&quot;: ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM'''
:'''T-Rex''': I love you!
:'''T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!'''

=== August 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=820 August 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know- littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale.
:'''Utahraptor''': And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=824 August 8, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey everyone! Stop saying &quot;bitches&quot; so much!
:'''T-Rex''': There are other words than &quot;bitches&quot;! Daaamn!
:'''T-Rex''': These words include such fine examples as &quot;fellows&quot;, &quot;gravy&quot;, and &quot;Monterey Jack&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are we to use those words in place of &quot;bitches&quot;?
:'''T-Rex''': Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying &quot;Hey! Get off my back, bitches!&quot; I can NOW say &quot;Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!&quot;
:'''Utahraptor''': That one only works because it rhymes!!
:'''T-Rex''': Says you, gravy!
:'''Utahraptor''': See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy.
:'''T-Rex''': I do want gravy.
:'''Utahraptor''': Alright.
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=828 August 15, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either!
:'''Utahraptor''': Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible!
:'''Captain Suggestible''': Guys! I'm right here!
:'''T-Rex''': I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard.
:'''Captain Suggestible''': I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=830 August 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': God, give me fifty dollars!
:'''God''': '''DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=837 August 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well- you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory.
:'''LATER!'''
:'''God''': '''T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY'''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor says I don't!
:'''God''': '''AWWWWW SHOOT'''

=== September 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=839 September 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm!
:'''T-Rex''': That is technically true!
:'''T-Rex''': However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies.
:'''Utahraptor''': So you suspect-
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=841 September 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing planet and then tour the facilities! You could be all, &quot;Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=842 September 8, 2006]''
:'''Cashier''': Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
:'''T-Rex''': Aw snapadoodle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 8, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
:'''T-Rex''': I blame the Colonel Sanders!
:'''God''': '''COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST'''
:'''T-Rex''': Well good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=843 September 11, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Controversy Monday is when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion!
:'''God''': '''YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD'''
:'''T-Rex''': Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible?
:'''God''': '''UM NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 11, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie, whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all!
:'''T-Rex''': TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born...
:'''T-Rex''': ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries!
:'''Utahraptor''': I was just preparing for Controversy Monday!
:'''T-Rex''': YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=848 September 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley!
:'''Uncanny Valley''': No problem, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=850 September 21, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': '''MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE'''
:'''T-Rex''': In one sentence starting with &quot;Dude&quot;?
:'''Devil''': '''FINE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, road trips rule!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 21, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I vote we trip to: Brazil!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's pretty far. How about someplace closer?
:'''T-Rex''': THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA??
:'''Utahraptor''': We'd need a car that works on water for that.
:'''T-Rex''': Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water??
:'''Jacques Esqueleto''': aw come on you guys it's mine
:'''T-Rex''': Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=852 September 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies?
:'''T-Rex''': DID THEY??
:'''T-Rex''': Because if you accept the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=853 September 28, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
:'''T-Rex''': The way you say it- is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not to my knowledge!
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, we have to start it!
:'''T-Rex''': Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

=== October 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=856 October 3, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like- instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video!
:'''T-Rex''': That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards (&quot;DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD&quot;) but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=861 October 11, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes!  Lesbians!  Guess What?  Here is How to Get Women to Like You'.  it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=862 October 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What's terrible? I'm just propagating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- Wait, that is terrible.
:'''Utahraptor''': Uh-huh!
:'''T-Rex''': ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me!
:'''Heterosexual Chicks and Gay Dudes''': It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!!
:'''T-Rex''': SERIOUSLY??
:'''Tooltip''': c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=864 October 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are.
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are!
:'''T-Rex''': I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising.
:'''Utahraptor''': Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST IN HIS MOUTH??
:'''T-Rex''': SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=868 October 20, 2006]''
:'''PLAN OMEGA:'''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing &quot;Push It&quot; by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French.
:'''Utahraptor''': Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles.
:'''T-Rex''': Poussez-le bon!
:'''Utahraptor''': Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=870 October 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the past I have called my first &quot;Knuckles and Chuckles&quot;, and then later upgraded to the truly compelling &quot;Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!&quot; but now I have an even better nickname!
:'''T-Rex''': The CHINESE BUFFET!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2006''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense?
:'''God''': '''ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY THAT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh that is so a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=874 October 31, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all of the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word &quot;sexy&quot; in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are &quot;sexy pirates&quot;! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse.
:'''T-Rex''': It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': The hospital is a medical doctor?
:'''T-Rex''': They're that sexy.
:'''Tooltip''': remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley!  he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

=== November 2006 ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=882 November 14, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
:'''God''': '''GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION'''
:'''T-Rex''': What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
:'''God''': '''I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH'''
:'''God''': '''DANG'''
:'''God''': '''THAT'S GOOD TOO'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=884 November 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase?
:'''T-Rex''': Sources say: &quot;DAMN girl, sure is!&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! &quot;Let's get remarkably frisky&quot; (useful in many situations), &quot;That's gobbles!&quot; (meaning &quot;that's crazy!&quot;, short for 'gobbledygook'), and &quot;I lose at sex&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.
:'''T-Rex''': You can use &quot;I lose at sex&quot; for when you lose at sex.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000888.html November 22, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up?
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''PENETRATION''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all &quot;penetration&quot; and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2006''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION.''
:'''T-Rex''': No thanks! I am busy with non-disgusting activities!
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''BUT IT'S CALLED &quot;THE WIDOWMAKER&quot;, T-REX''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''WE NEED YOUR TORSO?''
:'''Tooltip''': they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

=== December 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=894 December 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set.  I want an algorithm for enlightenment!  A checklist for nirvana!
:'''Utahraptor''': You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method?
:'''T-Rex''': Yes please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, Buddhist monks?  I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon.
:'''Buddhist monks''': Dude!  We get that ALL THE TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''Comment''': the first version of this comic that went up had a typo where instead of betting t-rex fifty bucks that *he* can't achieve enlightenment, god dropped the 'you' and instead said 'HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT', which made the whole comic hella more surreal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=895 December 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
:'''Tooltip''': it's the last thing i whisper to myself each night

== 2007 ==

=== January 2007 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=910 January 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
:'''Comment''': i'm terrified of catching a genetic disease, also, learning about medicine

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=911 January 3, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't know, T-Rex!  I might!
:'''T-Rex''': We should smooch to make extra sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING.  Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck.  And buttocks?
:'''Utahraptor''': I know how smoochitis develops, yeah.
:'''T-Rex''': It's my SPECIALITY, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=912 January 4, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am getting old!  WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2007''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah!  You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe!  I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind?  I don't know.  I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before!
:'''Tooltip''': add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=913 January 5, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Sweet!  Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right?  Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS.  And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities!  So say a decision has to be made: he writes 'decisive' on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee!  He then has the power to do things decisively.  SUPER decisively!
:'''Tooltip''': fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!
:'''Comment''': inappropriate lee, no!  put your pants back on!

=== February 2007 ===

=== March 2007 ===
:''[http://qwantz.com/archive/000955.html March 14, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

=== April 2007 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=977 April 18, 2007]''
:'''Title''': magic realism is where you tell a realistic story but then have the characters turn each other into frogs for a bit.  depressive realism is different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I think some people just like the idea that depression might be an advantage!
:'''Utharaptor''': ESPECIALLY depressed people.
:'''T-Rex''': But not TOO much, because then they wouldn't be depressed anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, sir, you look depressed!  Would you say you have a more accurate view of the world?
:'''Man''': I'm not depressed!  I'm just eating a sandwich.
:'''T-Rex''': A sandwich... made out of your own tears??
:'''Man''': HOW DID YOU KNOW
:'''Tooltip''': THE FACT THAT YOU COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THE INGREDIENTS OF MY SANDWICH NOW ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED
:'''Subject''': depressed people maybe if you ate less TEAR SANDWICHES things would start lookin up!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=978 April 19, 2007]''
:'''Title''': it's a quiet &quot;woo&quot; because any larger and you'd all be overcome with the soul-felt emotion!  do not aim comic directly at face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: 'You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love'.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Those are all plagiarized song lyrics!  Except for 'but', but there's probably a song called 'But'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. 'Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell' Man! Even I'D dump me right now!
:'''Tooltip''': it's sort of the opposite of &quot;if this isn't nice, what is?&quot;.  whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, &quot;man!  even I'D dump me right now!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=979 April 20, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, so I can't write love poetry.  That's fine.  There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me.  But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! I will call it, 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!'
:'''Title''': followed up by t-rex's &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Cat Who Ate a Person&quot;, and the more educational &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of The Troposphere Is Where Weather Exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 20, 2007''
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes!  I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story!
:'''T-Rex''': Sherlock Holmes!!  Can you describe me as 'the Napoleon of RHYME'?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': I can but try!
:'''Tooltip''': see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six?  that's RIGHT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=980 April 23, 2007]''
:'''God''': SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND 'JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET'
:'''T-Rex''': i thought maybe it could be me

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 23, 2007''
:'''Subject''': i don't know about you but i make a yes/no decision every second or so.  ''SHOULD I KEEP ON BREATHING?  I'D BETTER ASK MY LUNGS'' and then my lungs say ''HELLS YES WE LOVE THAT STUFF'' so here we are, ryan

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=981 April 24, 2007]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, what do you have against horses?
:'''T-Rex''': NOTHING!  I like horses!  Some of my best friends are horses.  That's why I can make horse jokes!  They know I'm just kidding.  They know that when I say 'why the long face' I don't actually think all horses have long faces.
:'''Utahraptor''': They do though.
:'''T-Rex''': Shh!  We're not supposed to notice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=982 April 25, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': (T-Rex!  What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left?  Yes!  You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!) (Wow!  No wonder people like capitalism so much!!)
:'''Subject''': wow!  i am finally seeing what the great shakes are about capitalism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=983 April 26, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story!  It happens whenever a character announces 'BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!' just before he gets blown up! In an EXPLOSION!
:'''Tooltip''': T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading.  Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page!  It was a pretty awesome book, you guys

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 26, 2007''
:'''Narrator''': MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman DEFINITELY blasting into space?
:'''Shakespeare''': i dunno... yes?
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare!  The correct answer is 'no!' Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
:'''Subject''': shakespeare!  put on some damned pants!  it's three in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=984 April 27, 2007]''
:'''God''': HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX 
:'''T-Rex''': Oh wow!  I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!!
:'''God''': UH
:'''T-Rex''': DO IT RIGHT NOW
:'''Tooltip''': it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life.  t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=985 April 30, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 30, 2007''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels.  come on, t-rex!  nobody likes speakerphone.  i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'

=== May 2007 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=986 May 1, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': [[Futurism]] was an art movement where dudes were all 'CARS ARE COOL AND THE PAST IS FOR CHUMPS.  LET'S DRAW SOME CARS.'
:'''Subject''': cars were new at the time and futurists were big into paintings of cars.  also, stories where there's cars
:'''T-Rex''': But they also extended beyond art, to food!  Futurists had a MANIFESTO for food.  It banned the knife and fork AND pasta, AND told people that sardines and pineapples together were tasty times!  They banned pasta because it caused skepticism?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Was the food good?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe?  But it wasn't very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 1, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': They didn't want to have to eat their food under UV lamps which 'activated' it, nor did they want to give up pasta.  It's crazy!  The movement started in Italy, and I believe people canonically eat pasta there all the time!  Like, even for breakfast?
:'''Utahraptor''': I believe that to be Italian Canon, yes.
:'''T-Rex''': I got my ideas about Italy from cartoons!  
:'''Utahraptor''': I got mine from boxes of pasta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=987 May 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hallowe'en is coming up!  Soon!  Soonish, anyway.  Hallowe'en is coming up in several months.  I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess.  Anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 2, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm writing a Hallowe'en story!  A spooky story called 'The Haunted Nun Who DIES!'
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
:'''T-Rex''': No no, the ghost haunts her.  Like a house?  And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts.  This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.

=== June 2007 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001007.html June 4, 2007]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: &quot;ice wants to float&quot;, and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? 
:'''T-Rex''': OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off! Hah, looks like you pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!

=== July 2007 ===

=== August 2007 ===

=== September 2007 ===

=== October 2007 ===

=== November 2007 ===

=== December 2007 ===

== 2009 ==

=== January 2009 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 January 2, 2009]''
:'''Title''': if i eat the flesh of my enemies, can i turn them into my brains, and thus have their OWN BODY think my thoughts, and those thoughts will be &quot;ha ha ha AWESOME&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 January 5, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': I found out about the best word yesterday: &quot;frigorific&quot;! It means &quot;cold&quot;. With this word I can finally say the sentence, &quot;DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!&quot; I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 5, 2009''
:'''Tooltip''': &quot;Frigorific&quot;! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

=== August 2009 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 August 10, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations!

== 2010 ==

=== April 2010 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697 April 20, 2010]''
:'''Subject''': keep in mind that mary is a dinosaur, making her a future dinosaur astronaut.  also let's say she's got a jetpack and that i'm pretty sure it lets her jetpack through time.

== 2012 ==

=== January 2012 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2112 January 2, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! Dromiceiomimus! You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2113 January 3, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago! Attention world! It is now LITERALLY IMPPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2115 January 5, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2117 January 7, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put &quot;structured such that nobody gets murdered&quot; pretty near the top of the list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 7, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. Anyway, wow, yay, go us

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2119 January 9, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever!
:'''God''': '''BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT'''
:'''T-Rex''': Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him...SIR.

:''January 9, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Come here, Sir!&quot; you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2120 January 10, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': WHEN I REPLAY THIS CONVERSATION IN MY DREAMS, INSTEAD OF &quot;PATHETIC&quot; I'M GOING TO SAY &quot;SUPER AWESOME. AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO DATE ME BUT REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DATE ME TOO. IT'S MY BURDEN TO BEAR AND I SHOULDER IT GLADLY.&quot; THEN I'M GONNA FLEX, JUST YOU WAIT

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2121 January 11, 2012]''
:'''tooltip''': a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps &quot;PLEASE RT&quot;: file that under Things I Would Follow 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2122 January 12, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook!

== 2022 ==

=== January 2022 ===
=== February 2022 ===
=== March 2022 ===
=== April 2022 ===
=== May 2022 ===
=== June 2022 ===
=== July 2022 ===
=== August 2022 ===

:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3932 August 1, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, the future truly is a place of wonder and maybe hellish dystopia! It's impossible to say till we get there!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': IF we get there!
:'''T-Rex''': WHAT

=== September 2022 ===
=== October 2022 ===
=== November 2022 ===
=== December 20222 ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.qwantz.com Dinosaur Comics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20131103181454/http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/3101 Greasemonkey Script that displays the three usual easter eggs]
* [http://adamv.com/dev/grease/scripts/comicalt.user.js Greasemonkey Script to make the tool-tip visible in-page]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>98i4id5cq25l1ccrqe2ntcrvpyj0h05</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150334</id>
      <parentid>3150328</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:13:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* July 2022 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="119269" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Dinosaur Comics|Dinosaur Comics]]''''' is a weekdaily, [[w:constrained comics|constrained]] [[w:webcomic|webcomic]] by Canadian writer [[Ryan North]] featuring talking dinosaurs and covering subjects from the banal to the philosophical. Each comic is the same picture, but with different dialogue. Each strip, in addition to the dialogue, contains three Easter Eggs: the title (available in the RSS feed), the subject for the comments e-mails, and a tooltip.
__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2003|2003]]'''
|align=center | 
|align=center | [[#February 2003|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2003|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2003|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2003|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2003|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2003|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2003|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2003|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2003|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2003|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2003|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2004|2004]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2004|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2004|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2004|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2004|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2004|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2004|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2004|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2004|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2004|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2004|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2004|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2004|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2005|2005]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2005|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2005|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2005|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2005|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2005|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2005|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2005|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2005|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2005|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2005|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2005|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2005|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2006|2006]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2006|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2006|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2006|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2006|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2006|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2006|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2006|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2006|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2006|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2006|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2006|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2006|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2007|2007]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2007|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2007|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2007|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2007|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2007|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2007|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2007|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2007|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2007|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2007|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2007|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2007|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2008|2008]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2008|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2008|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2008|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2008|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2008|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2008|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2008|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2008|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2008|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2008|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2008|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2008|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2009|2009]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2009|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2009|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2009|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2009|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2009|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2009|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2009|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2009|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2009|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2009|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2009|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2009|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2010|2010]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2010|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2010|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2010|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2010|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2010|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2010|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2010|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2010|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2010|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2010|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2010|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2010|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2011|2011]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2011|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2011|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2011|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2011|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2011|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2011|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2011|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2011|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2011|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2011|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2011|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2011|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2012|2012]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2012|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2012|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2012|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2012|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2012|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2012|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2012|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2012|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2012|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2012|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2012|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2012|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2022|2022]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2022|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2022|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2022|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2022|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2022|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2022|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2022|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2022|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2022|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2022|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2022|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2022|December]]
|-
|align=center colspan=13| [[#External links|External links]]
|}
&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== 2003 ==

=== February 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=1 February 1, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 1, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': crazy utahraptor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=2 February 2, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=3 February 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The emphasis on male oppression is continued as I stand poised to crush this woman beneath my man-foot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=4 February 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). Lesbians!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 4, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': I too have consummated my love for my roommate of the same gender. Now when I see him (quite often, as it turns out) there is a tension that hurts me. Right here.
:'''T-Rex''': ''['''LATER...''']'' '''I''' was his roommate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=5 February 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The realization that I've had a homosexual affair with the Utahraptor THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER AT ALL profoundly disturbs me. How could I forget such a thing? I wonder what it was like? Maybe I was really good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=6 February 6, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone is more articulate in their heads

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=7 February 7, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': notice how he avoided the overdose question

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 7, 2003''
:'''Subject''': keep your nose out of my nutritional business

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=8 February 10, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I expect this &quot;zinger&quot; to go down in history as the best of its kind ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=9 February 11, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's great?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not being a T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': No! Not being a Utahrapt- God damn it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Knock, knock.
:'''Utahraptor''': Who's there?
:'''T-Rex''': Utah.
:'''Utahraptor''': *sigh* Utah who?
:'''T-Rex''': Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! And I was a very good student!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do you even listen to yourself? 
:'''T-Rex''': No, but - see? I learnt it from '''you'''!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': All those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 12, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': we have all experienced the disappointment of a homemade joke not being recognized as genius

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=11 February 13, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 13, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=12 February 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! It would be so much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=13 February 17, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? As a dinosaur, I mean. It's time to live this day...TO THE MAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=14 February 18, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=15 February 19, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=16 February 20, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Mankind was foolish to unleash us upon the world! Who are they to play God?
:'''T-Rex''': You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=17 February 21, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for taking control of my life! No longer will I allow myself to be pushed around (by random chance or otherwise)!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe you should stop being a jerk also! Maybe THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''Subject''': you know there's other punctuation besides the exclaimation and question mark, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=18 February 24, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Relationships take time and effort. They can't happen overnight.
:'''T-Rex''': HEY! That's not what your Mom said! Last night! When we had SEX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 24, 2003''
:'''Subject''': your mom is so considerably obese

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=19 February 25, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Uh, well, what I want to say is that I'm sorry I said I had sex with your Mom last night. I actually didn't have sex with anyone last night. Or ever, for that matter.
:'''Utahraptor''': WHAT? What about us?!
:'''T-Rex''': I can't help it if I can't remember it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=20 February 26, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': How are you?
:'''Utahraptor''': Great! AND, I finally thought of the perfect answer to the question you asked me, two weeks ago!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh?
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;No&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 26, 2003''
:'''Subject''': holy shit did i enter another time warp???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=21 February 27, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': truly, the salient elements of the film have been distilled and displayed, in comic form

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 27, 2003''
:'''Subject''': where did the hair dryer come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=22 February 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for people volunteering unwanted personal information about themselves!  Should be awkward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 28, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hey, I had a dream about you last night, only you had my mother's body, and, um- Father's genitals.

=== March 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=23 March 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you are still confused, re-read this comic and I will explain things for you again.
:'''Tooltip''': if i am going too fast, re-read it again more slowly

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=24 March 4, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': I have to say I love you In an email!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=25 March 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in a very tiny car. When I woke up, my arms were sore! True story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 5, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': how did a t-rex sleep? they have such stubby arms, how could they get up? seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=26 March 6, 2003]''
:'''Reuters News Service''': These remarkable tracks are joined by those of an adult Utahraptor, who apparently stopped and stood face to face with the T-Rex (one almost wants to speculate that the two were engaged in sparkling conversation) before returning the way he came...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=27 March 7, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I see all of my relations in economic terms! You provide value to me by providing me a &quot;sounding board&quot; for my ideas, and also (potentially) as a mate! Conversely, this house provides no value to me, and my relation with it is understandably strained! 
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': please leave me be

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 7, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Does not seeing everything through the lens of economics ultimately reduce all relationships, in factall of life, to mere line items on a hypothetical statement of earnings?
:'''T-Rex''': Shit!
:'''Tooltip''': he hadn't thought of that

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=35 March 19, 2003]''
:'''Evil T-Rex''': I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because 'bad' is 'good' to us! And by 'us', I mean the entire universe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=41 March 27, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have much to offer a potential mate! I am big and strong and oh so sexy! If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighborhood, to be my companion and also to have sex with!

=== April 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=50 April 9, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I have no input of value relative to this specific situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=53 April 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The problem of course is the fiancé, who (as I understand it) does not support his wife-to-be sleeping around with another man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=54 April 15, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': Dinosaurs, or Man-Lizards, to-day knowne as G-d's Mistake, had assum'd Domain over all the Worlde, including the dark Lands of China-Men.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': By no means Fit for their Purpose as Kings and Queens, the Dinosaurs spread Fear and Incontenience, along with several similar Inconveniencies, which neither can be Described nor Understood without having first seen one of the Færsome beasts for oneself; thy Stars are indeed Fortunate, for in to-day's Moderne Age, the only such Animale thy shall see is in a rare Wood-Cut or handsel Picture-Book, where thou art Protected from the joyn'd Devourment and Digestione by the Fictionality of the Beast in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': The stern voice of Science tells us that these Monstrosities, once having exhausted the Novelty of Death-giving, simply took it as a Matter-of-Course, and paid it little Attenshon, likely dedicating the remainder of their Faculities towards some Conversation and Jokery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=56 April 17, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm sorry we ever had a homosexual affair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=63 April 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wish I was never born!

=== May 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=69 May 6, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have been working on a script: a noir about a computer programmer who gets involved in a snuff film conspiracy. The title? (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder!

=== June 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=105 June 26, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': love is when she send you an instant message that says 'u r my sweetie' and you reply 'i [heart emoticon] u'

=== July 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=113 July 8, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... under the couch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=119 July 16, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! 

=== August 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=133 August 5, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;Quite affable at times&quot;? That's it? That's my compliment? That's pretty weak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=135 August 7, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=139 August 13, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Sorry, was that too eager? Running up behind you like that? Too eager? T-Rex?
=== September 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=153 September 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So I have started a new screenplay, based on Structured Query Language for databases! It's called...UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'!

=== October 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=173 October 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I love lesbian weddings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 3, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': today's last panel is ANOTHER good e-mail signature line! &lt;br&gt;especially if you're a businessman/woman!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Imagine:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

=== November 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=197 November 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things!

=== December 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=221 December 23, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM.

== 2004 ==
=== January 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=227 January 1, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resoltuions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 1, 2004''
:'''Tooltip''': i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=233 January 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! These things DON'T EXIST. Also: objectivity.
:'''Subject''': people are inventing new things that don't exist all the time

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2004''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that exist include book reports and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made, of course, out of ham and cheese! These things EXIST. Also: rock concerts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=243 January 28, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who!

=== February 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=253 February 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are!

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000260.html February 24, 2004]''
: (After T-Rex invites everyone over for an 'Ice cream night')
:'''T-Rex''': Shit, it's still winter!

=== March 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=268 March 8, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time!

=== April 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=304 April 28, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

=== May 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=311 May 11, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Curiosity: SATISFIED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=318 May 20, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's funny? Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=313 May 13, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, 'I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!' Your current mood was 'kingly'! I thought to myself, 'T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=319 May 24, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy!
:'''T-Rex''': Why's that?
:'''Utahraptor''': You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane.
:'''T-Rex''': Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! Observe!

=== June 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000334.html June 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have failed to prove my point!
:'''Tooltip''': i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

=== July 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=353 July 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copyright law is logically INCOHERENT.

=== August 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=363 August 4, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Explore your feelings?&quot; Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! Whom, it's worth noting, I respect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=364 August 5, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the internet.
=== September 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=385 September 8, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I warn you: a school burning down? Pretty wacky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=391 September 16, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have faith in random developements of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? You attractive individual!

=== October 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=417 October 31, 2004]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': But T-Rex, most fanfiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other!

=== November 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000422.html November 08, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole!
:'''Utahraptor''': Ewwww! &quot;All up in my earhole&quot;? That's disgusting! &quot;Earhole&quot;! Man! Friendship annulled! You're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=428 November 16, 2004]
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2?

=== December 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=411 December 7, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=445 December 14, 2004]
:'''Narration''': TEEN MAGAZEEN by t-rex&lt;br/&gt;&quot;friends with benefits&quot;: pretty hot&lt;br/&gt;are you fully aware of sex? maybe not?&lt;br/&gt;special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed&lt;br/&gt;plus: understanding europe

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=455 December 30, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I have lived as few men dared dream!

== 2005 ==

=== January 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=456 January 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': '''!''' &quot;We can sexy&quot; is totally going to be my epitaph! For reals!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=458 January 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=461 January 10, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Whatever, man! WHAT to the EV to the E R!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=469 January 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's part of the fiction! The SCIENCE FICTION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=472 January 27, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY'''&lt;br/&gt;'''FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT'''

=== February 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=478 February 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Woooo! Spring break WOOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 February 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''February 17, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Your whole family is made out of meat.

=== March 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=492 March 2, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX - WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''March 2, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=493 March 3, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! WE'LL BE LIKE &quot;HELLO T-REX&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=498 March 10, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS'''
:'''T-Rex''': Must be nice!!
:'''Devil''': '''THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=499 March 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Stupid whitelist spam protection systems!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=500 March 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX''

=== April 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=517 April 11, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''BY THE WAY THAT IS A CATCHY TUNE T-REX&lt;br/&gt;I'M GONNA STEAL IT OK'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=523 April 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES'''
:'''T-Rex''': Great! Let's talk about that instead!
:'''Devil''': '''I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR'''
:'''Tooltip''': welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=525 April 21, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
:'''T-Rex''': A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!

=== May 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=532 May 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien-OH MY GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=534 May 4, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=535 May 5, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES FROM'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''May 5, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS&lt;br/&gt;HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF FIFTY POINTS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=536 May 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups! Each person has their own unique properties and outlook on life. Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=539 May 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I'm amazing. I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=543 May 18, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=546 May 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''':  Yes, well - Utahraptor. My friend died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=547 May 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? I mean witty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=548 May 26, 2005]''
:'''Subject''': i'm programming as hard as i can but still feel sort of empty inside. is this normal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=549 May 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=550 May 31, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when its finished, so when its discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. One is advised to tell one's friends!

=== June 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=551 June 1, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So &quot;werewolf&quot; is actually a more sexist word than &quot;woman&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': According to me: yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=554 June 6, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=560 June 14, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=566 June 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Looks like you've come down on the side of &quot;gendered professional nouns have their occassional uses&quot;!

=== July 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=581 July 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a firm believer in the 'do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves' school of problem solving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=583 July 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Saying &quot;the movie needed more explosions&quot; is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way!
:'''Utahraptor''': I got that, thanks!
:'''T-Rex''': I find that most movies need way more explosions though. You know?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=590 July 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? - Discuss!

=== August 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=593 August 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic &quot;perhaps!&quot; followed by a wide-eyed &quot;who knows??&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=592 August 2, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED'''
:'''T-Rex''': There's no shame in that! I do everything naked!
:'''God''': '''HA - ME TOO MAN'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands!
:'''Utahraptor''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. - Pretty manly! - And pretty consequential!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=609 August 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

=== September 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=613 September 2, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 2, 2005''
:'''Subject''': random encounters take time but can add to experience

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=624 September 21, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY &quot;PARTY&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626 September 26, 2005]''
'''HOUR 34:'''
:'''T-Rex''': What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
:'''Utahraptor''': I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
:'''T-Rex''': Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?

=== October 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=631 October 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=632 October 4, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO'''
:'''T-Rex''': Then why don't you do anything about it?
:'''God''': '''I HAVE MAN&lt;br/&gt;ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD&lt;br/&gt;ZING
:'''Tooltip''': those poo bugs, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=633 October 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word &quot;awesome&quot; a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited?
:'''T-Rex''': You're right! I'm not certain if overusing &quot;awesome&quot; is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue.
:'''Utahraptor''': So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about?
:'''T-Rex''': Um...it's called - &quot;How to Be&quot;? And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. Live and learn, bitches!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 5, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=635 October 10, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this?
:'''God''': '''I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue?
:'''God''': '''THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=637 October 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! My philosophy - she has her limitations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 12, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=638 October 13, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today, I am selling compliments! ...for PROFIT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 13, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=639 October 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. ! Is that racist??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 14, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging!
:'''Utahraptor''': Really? You think 'tenet' is -
:'''T-Rex''': Screw you!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''subject''': this is only a cognitive linguistic theory, which must be why t-rex says &quot;probably&quot;, however it is a really cool theory, so it's &quot;chance to be true&quot; ratio is raised by at least 15%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=641 October 18, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Who is this &quot;Timmy&quot; guy?
:'''T-Rex''': He's a rhetorical dude! He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=642 October 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is &quot;Heck yes!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. I - I got caught.
:'''Tooltip''': it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''subject''': i think &quot;confession time!&quot; is what priests shout before confession begins. i am almost ninety-nine percent certain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=643 October 20, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though!&lt;br&gt;RUH ROH

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=644 October 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=645 October 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': alternate ending:&lt;br/&gt;god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX&lt;br/&gt;t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them!&lt;br/&gt;god: WELL&lt;br/&gt;THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=646 October 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=647 October 27, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARASSING SECRETS&lt;br&gt; IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN&lt;br&gt;FOR ME&lt;br&gt;GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song &quot;Tubtumping&quot; by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=648 October 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 28, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Can you help me out?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right?
:'''T-Rex''': RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=649 October 31, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarassment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! It has been a night of revelation!
:'''Tooltip''': it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

=== November 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=650 November 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=651 November 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=652 November 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 3, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new &quot;damn the man&quot; persona!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 4, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you're just trying to play &quot;hard to get&quot;. And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 4, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': But, I'm ALSO creating a shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now?
:'''Utahraptor''': Nope!
:'''T-Rex''': Try harder!
:'''Tooltip''': you're doing it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap! There's a bomb in the comic. If I stop stomping the comic will explode! I must stomp unceasingly or we are all surely doomed!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Isn't that all you ever do anyway?
:'''T-Rex''': I must heroically continue to save us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=664 November 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
:'''Utahraptor''': That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
:'''T-Rex''': EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
:'''Tooltip''': grant request: DENIED?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=665 November 18, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=666 November 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 21, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGS!
:'''Devil''': '''I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=667 November 22, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! Man! Friggin' events!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer, is, of course, &quot;by accident&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=668 November 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. What a copycat! It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': this comic applies to my own life in several important ways

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=669 November 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around?
:'''Utahraptor''': The best ones do!
:'''T-Rex''': Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! What is this emotion called 'regret'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=670 November 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=671 November 29, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation!
:'''T-Rex''': That's right, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally &quot;murdering&quot; your friends who shoot down your ideas. I MEAN...OOPS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=672 November 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say &quot;Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I will call my house, &quot;The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done&quot;.

=== December 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=673 December 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? Then they rub their faces on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 1, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i am maybe a little interested just in rubbing my face on the carpet

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=674 December 2, 2005]''
:'''Morris''': oh t-rex it really was a challenge for me today.  but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that.  morris the bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=675 December 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says &quot;exploded&quot; or &quot;drowned&quot; or &quot;poisoned apple&quot; and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': This machine delights in ironically vague deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say &quot;made into delicious cheeseburger&quot;. Not that the cows could understand! Friggin' cheeseburgers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=676 December 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I think it would be great to have my [[last words]] planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=677 December 7, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Also: learning is not a competition?
:'''Tooltip''': IT IS TODAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=678 December 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
:'''Tooltip''': PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i bought a burger and it had no toppings.  no toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=679 December 12, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=681 December 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER HA HA HA WHAT ARE THE ODDS''
:'''Tooltip''': what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=682 December 15, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? E-except for racists.
:'''Tooltip''': FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
:'''Subject''': epilogue: for the rest of t-rex's life, this problem never actually comes up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=683 December 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
:'''God''': HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is &quot;try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch&quot;, which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.
:'''Subject''': I'M more of a one-man 'chatting people up at the debt collection agency' agency

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=684 December 20, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression!  'That dude just fell down the stairs!  Holy smokes!'  It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of 'holy cow' because nobody says 'holy smokes' anymore.  It is forgotten.  It is UNDISCOVERED.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 20, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people where doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that.  he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=685 December 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 21, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle.  it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts.  they just fall to the ground, twitching!  we're really from two different worlds, i think.
:'''Subject''': ATTENTION ROBOTS THAT BUILD CARS: what the hell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=686 December 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet!  I AM SO POOCHED!  I am the worst friend in the world. This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': so wait wait is everyone a sinister robot clone in this comic or what

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=687 December 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have made a very important New Year's Resolution!  It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE.  People will soon all describe things as 'T-Rexian'!  What sort of things? Awesome things, natch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Had I finally and irrevocably 'blown it' with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? Daaaaaang!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i was gonna complain about it not being new year's day in real life when it's new year's day in the comic, but then i was like, dude those dinosaurs are TALKING

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=688 December 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)!  What should it be named? MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Utahraptor''': How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named &quot;Cheeseball&quot; and &quot;Chuggy G&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Subject''': YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS RYAN WHY ARE YOU STILL SUPPORTING THE HETERO-NORMATIVE OWNERSHIP PARADIGM

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=689 December 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time?  Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, 'PERHAPS NOT'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 29, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
:'''Tooltip''': guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now
:'''Subject''': ryan: a guy who is doing comics right now when he probably should be having a shower and putting on pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=690 December 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
:'''Tooltip''': i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 30, 2005''
:'''Subject''': clearly t-rex told utahraptor about the wish to see the future in timeline a, which was distorted into timeline b by the introduction of the vision of tomorrow in panel 4, oh yes.

== 2006 ==

=== January 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=691 January 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be goo gnus to me!
:'''T-Rex''': I will here nun of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME
:'''Subject''': in 2006, 'punchlines' are replaced with 'needless narrative closure'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=692 January 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': SCIENCE CORNER: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? Science says, 'yes!'
:'''Tooltip''': EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER
:'''Subject''': how can you have a science corner without professor science ryan, THE ANSWER IS YOU CAN'T

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=693 January 5, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': But 'begging the question' is mostly used today to mean 'raising the question'!
:'''T-Rex''': I know!  IT'S SO WRONG.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean 'raises the question' than 'a fallacy of presumption', doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
:'''T-Rex''': NO IT DOES NOT.  What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=694 January 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, I am so thirsty.  My thirst is - exquisite.  Sublime.  Immaculate.
:'''God''': GET A DRINK T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': Nopers! I would much rather consider the precise nature of my thirst.  It's - strong!  Insistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 6, 2006''
:'''Narration''': LATER, PERFORMING AID AND SANITATION WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA:
:'''T-Rex''': Man!  EVERYONE has better reasons for being here than me!
:'''Tooltip''': everyone else is all 'oh i felt like i could really make a difference here' and t-rex is all 'well, uh, i wanted to show up my friend?  he's a utahraptor'
:'''Subject''': RYAN ARE YOU BEING PREACHY OR ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WATER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=695 January 10, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! Much like... most things?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me.  Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
:'''Utah raptor''': I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Man!!  Don't leave me hangin'!
:'''Tooltip''': later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''Subject''': t-rex probably says 'most religions' in panel 3 in case there ARE some religions that are all about just going through the motions; religions which he is, as yet, unaware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=696 January 11, 2006]''
:'''God''': HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
:'''T-Rex''': Raising one eyebrow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 11, 2006''
:'''God''': OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
:'''T-Rex''': Why?!  Purple doesn't rhyme with 'machine'.
:'''God''': YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN THANKS T-REX YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
:'''Tooltip''': the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY
:'''Subject''': in heaven the standard bet IS a trillion times the amount of fried chicken an average dude would eat in his lifetime

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=697 January 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers?  This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body &gt;:|

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=698 January 13, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world?  I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex says, 'probably not!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=699 January 16, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I wish for more wishes!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, ouch!  Shot down!  Looks like no wishes for you!
:'''Utahraptor''': This sucks!
:'''T-Rex''': Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
:'''Tooltip''': really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for.  a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.
:'''Subject''': i wish for less people stealing my friggin' fries at lunch

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=700 January 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, it's true!  If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=701 January 18, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dating both twin sisters at the same time: Hot? Or just,in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? I'm afraid that I fall on the 'kind of weird' side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=702 January 19, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex.  Bad things happen to people you like.
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I know!  I know.  I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Does it?
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah.  I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
:'''T-Rex''': Hah!  I SURE have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Narration''': EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! Alright!
:'''Tooltip''': if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=703 January 23, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want.  It's majority rule!  MOB rule!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex.  Not everyone can get everything they want!
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you?  You're pooched!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 23, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Right!  Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
:'''Utahraptor''': Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Really?  Are you serious?? Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
:'''Tooltip''': blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity
:'''Subject''': from democracy to sleepin' in in six easy panels

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=704 January 24, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My favourite are the freegans!
:'''T-Rex''': Where you be vegetarian for free?
:'''Utahraptor''': Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
:'''T-Rex''': That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 24, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat which I find to be tremendously delicious!
:'''Utahraptor''': I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Tooltip''': mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Subject''': there's some resentment there towards a lack of vitamin c and bleeding from the mucous membranes

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=705 January 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! Something like, 'T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)'?
:'''T-Rex''': Man, that's not positive either!
:'''Utahraptor''': How about 'T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!'
:'''T-Rex''': That's even less positive than the first one!!
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning'
:'''T-Rex''': No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
:'''Subject''': sex in the city: like waking up each morning to a mouth flooded with ryoma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
'''LATER:'''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. Not bad, though!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'.  It was very embarrassing to us all.  I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=706 January 26, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex, enough!  Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
:''T-Rex''': No!  Of course not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 26, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': LATER: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing!  I forgive his critical outburst. 'TROUBLE AT HOME??'
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man
:'''Subject''': i've got a terminal case of the rockin' outs AND the rockin' oats :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=707 January 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. Smell associations!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 27, 2006''
:'''Narration''': FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
:'''T-Rex''': You don' know me!
:'''Tooltip''': based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)
:'''Subject''': actually it's a little how smell association works, except for the cartoon pupils part.  that's only how smell association works in cartoons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=708 January 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
:'''Tooltip''': to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0
:'''Subject''': dromiceiomimus considered getting involved in this conversation but then she was like hmm, NOPE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=709 January 31, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': IF YOU ARE DISINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
:'''T-Rex''': Please do!!
:'''Devil''': BUT I CAUTION YOU I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
:'''Tooltip''': for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible
:'''Subject''': oh no the devil has a code for god mode!!!

=== February 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=710 February 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, Dromiceiomimus!  I have a friendship crush on you!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, thank you T-Rex.  You're not so bad yourself.
:'''T-Rex''': A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=711 February 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
:'''T-Rex''': Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
:'''Utahraptor''': They support the entire food chain!
:'''T-Rex''': BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
:'''Utahraptor''': Even sunflowers?  They tilt to follow the sun!
:'''T-Rex''': Don't get me started about sunflowers!  God!  Their salty, boring seeds!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.
:'''Comment''': t-rex approaches plants the way he might approach a new video game console, and finds them lacking in replay value

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''God''': HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know. A lot? They're alright. To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 3, 2006''
:'''Comment''': ryan, i'm a plant and i read your comic yesterday and i got plant-offended

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=713 February 6, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
:'''T-Rex''': No, but -But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out here and entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 6, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': What is this emotion called 'criminal negligence'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=714 February 7, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! Man, nevermind!
:'''Tooltip''': haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=717 February 10, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You can't deal with the &quot;issue&quot; of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
:'''T-Rex''': True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
:'''Utahraptor''': What?
:'''T-Rex''': And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
:'''Tooltip''': i'm pretty sure that's how it works?
:'''Subject''': ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: everyone spends hours arguing over socialism AND communism AND the definitions of both those terms, and it's boring and stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=719 February 14, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day?  that seems like a bit of a stretch!  you are probably overthinking things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
'''BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!'''
:'''T-Rex''': W-... Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=723 February 21, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': a tip of the hat to all our brave men and women who have swallowed a lot of orange juice for no reason

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 February 24, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 February 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
'''LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:'''
:'''T-Rex''': She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke &quot;hysterical&quot;. I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE &quot;HYSTERA&quot; ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:'''
:'''T-Rex''': So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
:'''Off-Frame:''' Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
:'''T-Rex:''' Yes! A &quot;uter-b-gone&quot;. - A womboval?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i am popular at the parties of strangers

=== March 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
:'''T-Rex''': You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding &quot;the one&quot; that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being so &quot;madly in love&quot; with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
:'''T-Rex''': A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
:'''Utahraptor''': You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': it's like saying 'aunt flo' is visiting, only instead you hollah that mc masturbation is in the HOUSE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 March 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! - I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. - IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 March 27, 2006]''
:'''LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.'''
:'''T-Rex''': Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
:'''Tooltip''': arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 March 28, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i am britishfolk and 'nappy' means 'diaper' to me, so this comic is very confusing and maybe a little perverted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 March 29, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

=== April 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': So they're shaped like naughty bits?
:'''T-Rex''': No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
:'''T-Rex''': They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=763 April 26, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! Kapow!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': How was that an accident?
:'''T-Rex''': I didn't see them there, that's all!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
:'''T-Rex''': WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.

=== May 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You're always all, &quot;Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!&quot; You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': that's right, 'memorable lovemaking techniqueS'.  it's plural now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=766 May 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
:'''T-Rex''': Yep!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=767 May 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 4, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 15, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=777 May 18, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': is utahraptor's favourite song really 'all the things she said' by tatu?  it is an easy guess to make because secretly that is everyone's favourite song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=780 May 24, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme.  you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=781 May 25, 2006]''
'''MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!'''
:'''T-Rex''': Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
:'''Off-Frame''': This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=783 May 29, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop.  ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=784 May 30, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah! But &quot;regret index&quot; makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
:'''Utahraptor''': I know I am.
:'''T-Rex''': I, too, remain fully satisfied.

=== June 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787 June 5, 2006]''
:'''LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD:''':
:'''T-Rex''': Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
:'''Tooltip''': this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788 June 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
:'''Cephalopods''': ''WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX''
:'''T-Rex''': Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
:'''Cephalopods''': ''CHILLAXING''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791 June 13 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i would also have accepted 't-rex has an ape / let's see what happens'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801 June 29 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a short SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label &quot;breakfast pleasure&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not entirely certain that you do!
:'''Tooltip''': dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

=== July 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=804 July 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry.
:'''Utahraptor''': That last one is a BIT less attractive.
:'''T-Rex''': I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner.
:'''T-Rex''': Daaaamn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=813 July 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet!
:'''T-Rex''': That's a horrific idea!
:'''T-Rex''': What is wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=816 July 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word &quot;evil&quot; with the phrase &quot;Irish evil&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;COWABUNGA&quot;: ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE'''
:'''T-Rex''': So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
:'''Utahraptor''': In the first formulation, yeah.
:'''T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;I LOVE YOU&quot;: ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM'''
:'''T-Rex''': I love you!
:'''T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!'''

=== August 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=820 August 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know- littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale.
:'''Utahraptor''': And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=824 August 8, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey everyone! Stop saying &quot;bitches&quot; so much!
:'''T-Rex''': There are other words than &quot;bitches&quot;! Daaamn!
:'''T-Rex''': These words include such fine examples as &quot;fellows&quot;, &quot;gravy&quot;, and &quot;Monterey Jack&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are we to use those words in place of &quot;bitches&quot;?
:'''T-Rex''': Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying &quot;Hey! Get off my back, bitches!&quot; I can NOW say &quot;Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!&quot;
:'''Utahraptor''': That one only works because it rhymes!!
:'''T-Rex''': Says you, gravy!
:'''Utahraptor''': See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy.
:'''T-Rex''': I do want gravy.
:'''Utahraptor''': Alright.
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=828 August 15, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either!
:'''Utahraptor''': Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible!
:'''Captain Suggestible''': Guys! I'm right here!
:'''T-Rex''': I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard.
:'''Captain Suggestible''': I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=830 August 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': God, give me fifty dollars!
:'''God''': '''DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=837 August 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well- you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory.
:'''LATER!'''
:'''God''': '''T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY'''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor says I don't!
:'''God''': '''AWWWWW SHOOT'''

=== September 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=839 September 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm!
:'''T-Rex''': That is technically true!
:'''T-Rex''': However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies.
:'''Utahraptor''': So you suspect-
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=841 September 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing planet and then tour the facilities! You could be all, &quot;Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=842 September 8, 2006]''
:'''Cashier''': Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
:'''T-Rex''': Aw snapadoodle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 8, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
:'''T-Rex''': I blame the Colonel Sanders!
:'''God''': '''COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST'''
:'''T-Rex''': Well good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=843 September 11, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Controversy Monday is when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion!
:'''God''': '''YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD'''
:'''T-Rex''': Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible?
:'''God''': '''UM NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 11, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie, whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all!
:'''T-Rex''': TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born...
:'''T-Rex''': ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries!
:'''Utahraptor''': I was just preparing for Controversy Monday!
:'''T-Rex''': YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=848 September 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley!
:'''Uncanny Valley''': No problem, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=850 September 21, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': '''MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE'''
:'''T-Rex''': In one sentence starting with &quot;Dude&quot;?
:'''Devil''': '''FINE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, road trips rule!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 21, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I vote we trip to: Brazil!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's pretty far. How about someplace closer?
:'''T-Rex''': THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA??
:'''Utahraptor''': We'd need a car that works on water for that.
:'''T-Rex''': Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water??
:'''Jacques Esqueleto''': aw come on you guys it's mine
:'''T-Rex''': Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=852 September 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies?
:'''T-Rex''': DID THEY??
:'''T-Rex''': Because if you accept the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=853 September 28, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
:'''T-Rex''': The way you say it- is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not to my knowledge!
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, we have to start it!
:'''T-Rex''': Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

=== October 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=856 October 3, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like- instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video!
:'''T-Rex''': That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards (&quot;DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD&quot;) but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=861 October 11, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes!  Lesbians!  Guess What?  Here is How to Get Women to Like You'.  it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=862 October 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What's terrible? I'm just propagating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- Wait, that is terrible.
:'''Utahraptor''': Uh-huh!
:'''T-Rex''': ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me!
:'''Heterosexual Chicks and Gay Dudes''': It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!!
:'''T-Rex''': SERIOUSLY??
:'''Tooltip''': c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=864 October 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are.
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are!
:'''T-Rex''': I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising.
:'''Utahraptor''': Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST IN HIS MOUTH??
:'''T-Rex''': SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=868 October 20, 2006]''
:'''PLAN OMEGA:'''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing &quot;Push It&quot; by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French.
:'''Utahraptor''': Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles.
:'''T-Rex''': Poussez-le bon!
:'''Utahraptor''': Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=870 October 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the past I have called my first &quot;Knuckles and Chuckles&quot;, and then later upgraded to the truly compelling &quot;Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!&quot; but now I have an even better nickname!
:'''T-Rex''': The CHINESE BUFFET!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2006''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense?
:'''God''': '''ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY THAT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh that is so a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=874 October 31, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all of the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word &quot;sexy&quot; in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are &quot;sexy pirates&quot;! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse.
:'''T-Rex''': It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': The hospital is a medical doctor?
:'''T-Rex''': They're that sexy.
:'''Tooltip''': remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley!  he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

=== November 2006 ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=882 November 14, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
:'''God''': '''GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION'''
:'''T-Rex''': What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
:'''God''': '''I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH'''
:'''God''': '''DANG'''
:'''God''': '''THAT'S GOOD TOO'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=884 November 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase?
:'''T-Rex''': Sources say: &quot;DAMN girl, sure is!&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! &quot;Let's get remarkably frisky&quot; (useful in many situations), &quot;That's gobbles!&quot; (meaning &quot;that's crazy!&quot;, short for 'gobbledygook'), and &quot;I lose at sex&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.
:'''T-Rex''': You can use &quot;I lose at sex&quot; for when you lose at sex.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000888.html November 22, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up?
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''PENETRATION''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all &quot;penetration&quot; and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2006''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION.''
:'''T-Rex''': No thanks! I am busy with non-disgusting activities!
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''BUT IT'S CALLED &quot;THE WIDOWMAKER&quot;, T-REX''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''WE NEED YOUR TORSO?''
:'''Tooltip''': they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

=== December 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=894 December 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set.  I want an algorithm for enlightenment!  A checklist for nirvana!
:'''Utahraptor''': You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method?
:'''T-Rex''': Yes please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, Buddhist monks?  I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon.
:'''Buddhist monks''': Dude!  We get that ALL THE TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''Comment''': the first version of this comic that went up had a typo where instead of betting t-rex fifty bucks that *he* can't achieve enlightenment, god dropped the 'you' and instead said 'HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT', which made the whole comic hella more surreal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=895 December 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
:'''Tooltip''': it's the last thing i whisper to myself each night

== 2007 ==

=== January 2007 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=910 January 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
:'''Comment''': i'm terrified of catching a genetic disease, also, learning about medicine

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=911 January 3, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't know, T-Rex!  I might!
:'''T-Rex''': We should smooch to make extra sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING.  Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck.  And buttocks?
:'''Utahraptor''': I know how smoochitis develops, yeah.
:'''T-Rex''': It's my SPECIALITY, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=912 January 4, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am getting old!  WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2007''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah!  You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe!  I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind?  I don't know.  I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before!
:'''Tooltip''': add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=913 January 5, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Sweet!  Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right?  Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS.  And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities!  So say a decision has to be made: he writes 'decisive' on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee!  He then has the power to do things decisively.  SUPER decisively!
:'''Tooltip''': fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!
:'''Comment''': inappropriate lee, no!  put your pants back on!

=== February 2007 ===

=== March 2007 ===
:''[http://qwantz.com/archive/000955.html March 14, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

=== April 2007 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=977 April 18, 2007]''
:'''Title''': magic realism is where you tell a realistic story but then have the characters turn each other into frogs for a bit.  depressive realism is different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I think some people just like the idea that depression might be an advantage!
:'''Utharaptor''': ESPECIALLY depressed people.
:'''T-Rex''': But not TOO much, because then they wouldn't be depressed anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, sir, you look depressed!  Would you say you have a more accurate view of the world?
:'''Man''': I'm not depressed!  I'm just eating a sandwich.
:'''T-Rex''': A sandwich... made out of your own tears??
:'''Man''': HOW DID YOU KNOW
:'''Tooltip''': THE FACT THAT YOU COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THE INGREDIENTS OF MY SANDWICH NOW ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED
:'''Subject''': depressed people maybe if you ate less TEAR SANDWICHES things would start lookin up!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=978 April 19, 2007]''
:'''Title''': it's a quiet &quot;woo&quot; because any larger and you'd all be overcome with the soul-felt emotion!  do not aim comic directly at face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: 'You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love'.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Those are all plagiarized song lyrics!  Except for 'but', but there's probably a song called 'But'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. 'Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell' Man! Even I'D dump me right now!
:'''Tooltip''': it's sort of the opposite of &quot;if this isn't nice, what is?&quot;.  whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, &quot;man!  even I'D dump me right now!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=979 April 20, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, so I can't write love poetry.  That's fine.  There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me.  But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! I will call it, 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!'
:'''Title''': followed up by t-rex's &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Cat Who Ate a Person&quot;, and the more educational &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of The Troposphere Is Where Weather Exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 20, 2007''
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes!  I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story!
:'''T-Rex''': Sherlock Holmes!!  Can you describe me as 'the Napoleon of RHYME'?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': I can but try!
:'''Tooltip''': see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six?  that's RIGHT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=980 April 23, 2007]''
:'''God''': SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND 'JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET'
:'''T-Rex''': i thought maybe it could be me

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 23, 2007''
:'''Subject''': i don't know about you but i make a yes/no decision every second or so.  ''SHOULD I KEEP ON BREATHING?  I'D BETTER ASK MY LUNGS'' and then my lungs say ''HELLS YES WE LOVE THAT STUFF'' so here we are, ryan

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=981 April 24, 2007]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, what do you have against horses?
:'''T-Rex''': NOTHING!  I like horses!  Some of my best friends are horses.  That's why I can make horse jokes!  They know I'm just kidding.  They know that when I say 'why the long face' I don't actually think all horses have long faces.
:'''Utahraptor''': They do though.
:'''T-Rex''': Shh!  We're not supposed to notice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=982 April 25, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': (T-Rex!  What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left?  Yes!  You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!) (Wow!  No wonder people like capitalism so much!!)
:'''Subject''': wow!  i am finally seeing what the great shakes are about capitalism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=983 April 26, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story!  It happens whenever a character announces 'BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!' just before he gets blown up! In an EXPLOSION!
:'''Tooltip''': T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading.  Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page!  It was a pretty awesome book, you guys

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 26, 2007''
:'''Narrator''': MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman DEFINITELY blasting into space?
:'''Shakespeare''': i dunno... yes?
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare!  The correct answer is 'no!' Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
:'''Subject''': shakespeare!  put on some damned pants!  it's three in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=984 April 27, 2007]''
:'''God''': HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX 
:'''T-Rex''': Oh wow!  I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!!
:'''God''': UH
:'''T-Rex''': DO IT RIGHT NOW
:'''Tooltip''': it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life.  t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=985 April 30, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 30, 2007''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels.  come on, t-rex!  nobody likes speakerphone.  i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'

=== May 2007 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=986 May 1, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': [[Futurism]] was an art movement where dudes were all 'CARS ARE COOL AND THE PAST IS FOR CHUMPS.  LET'S DRAW SOME CARS.'
:'''Subject''': cars were new at the time and futurists were big into paintings of cars.  also, stories where there's cars
:'''T-Rex''': But they also extended beyond art, to food!  Futurists had a MANIFESTO for food.  It banned the knife and fork AND pasta, AND told people that sardines and pineapples together were tasty times!  They banned pasta because it caused skepticism?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Was the food good?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe?  But it wasn't very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 1, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': They didn't want to have to eat their food under UV lamps which 'activated' it, nor did they want to give up pasta.  It's crazy!  The movement started in Italy, and I believe people canonically eat pasta there all the time!  Like, even for breakfast?
:'''Utahraptor''': I believe that to be Italian Canon, yes.
:'''T-Rex''': I got my ideas about Italy from cartoons!  
:'''Utahraptor''': I got mine from boxes of pasta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=987 May 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hallowe'en is coming up!  Soon!  Soonish, anyway.  Hallowe'en is coming up in several months.  I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess.  Anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 2, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm writing a Hallowe'en story!  A spooky story called 'The Haunted Nun Who DIES!'
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
:'''T-Rex''': No no, the ghost haunts her.  Like a house?  And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts.  This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.

=== June 2007 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001007.html June 4, 2007]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: &quot;ice wants to float&quot;, and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? 
:'''T-Rex''': OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off! Hah, looks like you pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!

=== July 2007 ===

=== August 2007 ===

=== September 2007 ===

=== October 2007 ===

=== November 2007 ===

=== December 2007 ===

== 2009 ==

=== January 2009 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 January 2, 2009]''
:'''Title''': if i eat the flesh of my enemies, can i turn them into my brains, and thus have their OWN BODY think my thoughts, and those thoughts will be &quot;ha ha ha AWESOME&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 January 5, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': I found out about the best word yesterday: &quot;frigorific&quot;! It means &quot;cold&quot;. With this word I can finally say the sentence, &quot;DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!&quot; I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 5, 2009''
:'''Tooltip''': &quot;Frigorific&quot;! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

=== August 2009 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 August 10, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations!

== 2010 ==

=== April 2010 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697 April 20, 2010]''
:'''Subject''': keep in mind that mary is a dinosaur, making her a future dinosaur astronaut.  also let's say she's got a jetpack and that i'm pretty sure it lets her jetpack through time.

== 2012 ==

=== January 2012 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2112 January 2, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! Dromiceiomimus! You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2113 January 3, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago! Attention world! It is now LITERALLY IMPPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2115 January 5, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2117 January 7, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put &quot;structured such that nobody gets murdered&quot; pretty near the top of the list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 7, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. Anyway, wow, yay, go us

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2119 January 9, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever!
:'''God''': '''BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT'''
:'''T-Rex''': Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him...SIR.

:''January 9, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Come here, Sir!&quot; you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2120 January 10, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': WHEN I REPLAY THIS CONVERSATION IN MY DREAMS, INSTEAD OF &quot;PATHETIC&quot; I'M GOING TO SAY &quot;SUPER AWESOME. AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO DATE ME BUT REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DATE ME TOO. IT'S MY BURDEN TO BEAR AND I SHOULDER IT GLADLY.&quot; THEN I'M GONNA FLEX, JUST YOU WAIT

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2121 January 11, 2012]''
:'''tooltip''': a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps &quot;PLEASE RT&quot;: file that under Things I Would Follow 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2122 January 12, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook!

== 2022 ==

=== January 2022 ===
=== February 2022 ===
=== March 2022 ===
=== April 2022 ===
=== May 2022 ===
=== June 2022 ===
=== July 2022 ===
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3930 July 30, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': What idiot named it the &quot;International Tennis Federation Internal Adjudication Panel&quot;...and not TENNIS COURT?? 
:'''Narration''': the end

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3931 July 31, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've written a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's not quite accurate.
:'''T-Rex''': I've summarized the gist of a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''July 31, 2022''
:'''Tooltip''': me, on my deathbed: &quot;waugh! everybody cheated&quot;

=== August 2022 ===

:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3932 August 1, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, the future truly is a place of wonder and maybe hellish dystopia! It's impossible to say till we get there!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': IF we get there!
:'''T-Rex''': WHAT

=== September 2022 ===
=== October 2022 ===
=== November 2022 ===
=== December 20222 ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.qwantz.com Dinosaur Comics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20131103181454/http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/3101 Greasemonkey Script that displays the three usual easter eggs]
* [http://adamv.com/dev/grease/scripts/comicalt.user.js Greasemonkey Script to make the tool-tip visible in-page]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>b5m1od48f2cjyxaw7yojavjozcmsbew</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150335</id>
      <parentid>3150334</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:16:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* July 2022 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="119512" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Dinosaur Comics|Dinosaur Comics]]''''' is a weekdaily, [[w:constrained comics|constrained]] [[w:webcomic|webcomic]] by Canadian writer [[Ryan North]] featuring talking dinosaurs and covering subjects from the banal to the philosophical. Each comic is the same picture, but with different dialogue. Each strip, in addition to the dialogue, contains three Easter Eggs: the title (available in the RSS feed), the subject for the comments e-mails, and a tooltip.
__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2003|2003]]'''
|align=center | 
|align=center | [[#February 2003|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2003|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2003|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2003|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2003|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2003|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2003|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2003|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2003|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2003|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2003|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2004|2004]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2004|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2004|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2004|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2004|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2004|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2004|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2004|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2004|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2004|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2004|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2004|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2004|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2005|2005]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2005|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2005|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2005|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2005|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2005|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2005|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2005|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2005|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2005|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2005|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2005|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2005|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2006|2006]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2006|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2006|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2006|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2006|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2006|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2006|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2006|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2006|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2006|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2006|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2006|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2006|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2007|2007]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2007|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2007|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2007|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2007|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2007|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2007|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2007|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2007|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2007|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2007|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2007|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2007|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2008|2008]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2008|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2008|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2008|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2008|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2008|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2008|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2008|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2008|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2008|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2008|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2008|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2008|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2009|2009]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2009|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2009|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2009|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2009|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2009|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2009|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2009|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2009|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2009|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2009|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2009|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2009|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2010|2010]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2010|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2010|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2010|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2010|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2010|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2010|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2010|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2010|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2010|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2010|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2010|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2010|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2011|2011]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2011|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2011|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2011|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2011|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2011|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2011|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2011|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2011|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2011|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2011|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2011|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2011|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2012|2012]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2012|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2012|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2012|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2012|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2012|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2012|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2012|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2012|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2012|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2012|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2012|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2012|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2022|2022]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2022|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2022|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2022|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2022|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2022|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2022|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2022|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2022|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2022|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2022|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2022|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2022|December]]
|-
|align=center colspan=13| [[#External links|External links]]
|}
&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== 2003 ==

=== February 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=1 February 1, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 1, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': crazy utahraptor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=2 February 2, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=3 February 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The emphasis on male oppression is continued as I stand poised to crush this woman beneath my man-foot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=4 February 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). Lesbians!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 4, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': I too have consummated my love for my roommate of the same gender. Now when I see him (quite often, as it turns out) there is a tension that hurts me. Right here.
:'''T-Rex''': ''['''LATER...''']'' '''I''' was his roommate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=5 February 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The realization that I've had a homosexual affair with the Utahraptor THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER AT ALL profoundly disturbs me. How could I forget such a thing? I wonder what it was like? Maybe I was really good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=6 February 6, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone is more articulate in their heads

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=7 February 7, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': notice how he avoided the overdose question

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 7, 2003''
:'''Subject''': keep your nose out of my nutritional business

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=8 February 10, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I expect this &quot;zinger&quot; to go down in history as the best of its kind ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=9 February 11, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's great?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not being a T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': No! Not being a Utahrapt- God damn it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Knock, knock.
:'''Utahraptor''': Who's there?
:'''T-Rex''': Utah.
:'''Utahraptor''': *sigh* Utah who?
:'''T-Rex''': Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! And I was a very good student!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do you even listen to yourself? 
:'''T-Rex''': No, but - see? I learnt it from '''you'''!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': All those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 12, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': we have all experienced the disappointment of a homemade joke not being recognized as genius

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=11 February 13, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 13, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=12 February 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! It would be so much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=13 February 17, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? As a dinosaur, I mean. It's time to live this day...TO THE MAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=14 February 18, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=15 February 19, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=16 February 20, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Mankind was foolish to unleash us upon the world! Who are they to play God?
:'''T-Rex''': You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=17 February 21, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for taking control of my life! No longer will I allow myself to be pushed around (by random chance or otherwise)!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe you should stop being a jerk also! Maybe THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''Subject''': you know there's other punctuation besides the exclaimation and question mark, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=18 February 24, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Relationships take time and effort. They can't happen overnight.
:'''T-Rex''': HEY! That's not what your Mom said! Last night! When we had SEX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 24, 2003''
:'''Subject''': your mom is so considerably obese

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=19 February 25, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Uh, well, what I want to say is that I'm sorry I said I had sex with your Mom last night. I actually didn't have sex with anyone last night. Or ever, for that matter.
:'''Utahraptor''': WHAT? What about us?!
:'''T-Rex''': I can't help it if I can't remember it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=20 February 26, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': How are you?
:'''Utahraptor''': Great! AND, I finally thought of the perfect answer to the question you asked me, two weeks ago!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh?
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;No&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 26, 2003''
:'''Subject''': holy shit did i enter another time warp???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=21 February 27, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': truly, the salient elements of the film have been distilled and displayed, in comic form

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 27, 2003''
:'''Subject''': where did the hair dryer come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=22 February 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for people volunteering unwanted personal information about themselves!  Should be awkward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 28, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hey, I had a dream about you last night, only you had my mother's body, and, um- Father's genitals.

=== March 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=23 March 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you are still confused, re-read this comic and I will explain things for you again.
:'''Tooltip''': if i am going too fast, re-read it again more slowly

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=24 March 4, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': I have to say I love you In an email!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=25 March 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in a very tiny car. When I woke up, my arms were sore! True story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 5, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': how did a t-rex sleep? they have such stubby arms, how could they get up? seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=26 March 6, 2003]''
:'''Reuters News Service''': These remarkable tracks are joined by those of an adult Utahraptor, who apparently stopped and stood face to face with the T-Rex (one almost wants to speculate that the two were engaged in sparkling conversation) before returning the way he came...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=27 March 7, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I see all of my relations in economic terms! You provide value to me by providing me a &quot;sounding board&quot; for my ideas, and also (potentially) as a mate! Conversely, this house provides no value to me, and my relation with it is understandably strained! 
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': please leave me be

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 7, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Does not seeing everything through the lens of economics ultimately reduce all relationships, in factall of life, to mere line items on a hypothetical statement of earnings?
:'''T-Rex''': Shit!
:'''Tooltip''': he hadn't thought of that

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=35 March 19, 2003]''
:'''Evil T-Rex''': I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because 'bad' is 'good' to us! And by 'us', I mean the entire universe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=41 March 27, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have much to offer a potential mate! I am big and strong and oh so sexy! If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighborhood, to be my companion and also to have sex with!

=== April 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=50 April 9, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I have no input of value relative to this specific situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=53 April 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The problem of course is the fiancé, who (as I understand it) does not support his wife-to-be sleeping around with another man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=54 April 15, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': Dinosaurs, or Man-Lizards, to-day knowne as G-d's Mistake, had assum'd Domain over all the Worlde, including the dark Lands of China-Men.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': By no means Fit for their Purpose as Kings and Queens, the Dinosaurs spread Fear and Incontenience, along with several similar Inconveniencies, which neither can be Described nor Understood without having first seen one of the Færsome beasts for oneself; thy Stars are indeed Fortunate, for in to-day's Moderne Age, the only such Animale thy shall see is in a rare Wood-Cut or handsel Picture-Book, where thou art Protected from the joyn'd Devourment and Digestione by the Fictionality of the Beast in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': The stern voice of Science tells us that these Monstrosities, once having exhausted the Novelty of Death-giving, simply took it as a Matter-of-Course, and paid it little Attenshon, likely dedicating the remainder of their Faculities towards some Conversation and Jokery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=56 April 17, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm sorry we ever had a homosexual affair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=63 April 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wish I was never born!

=== May 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=69 May 6, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have been working on a script: a noir about a computer programmer who gets involved in a snuff film conspiracy. The title? (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder!

=== June 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=105 June 26, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': love is when she send you an instant message that says 'u r my sweetie' and you reply 'i [heart emoticon] u'

=== July 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=113 July 8, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... under the couch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=119 July 16, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! 

=== August 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=133 August 5, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;Quite affable at times&quot;? That's it? That's my compliment? That's pretty weak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=135 August 7, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=139 August 13, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Sorry, was that too eager? Running up behind you like that? Too eager? T-Rex?
=== September 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=153 September 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So I have started a new screenplay, based on Structured Query Language for databases! It's called...UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'!

=== October 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=173 October 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I love lesbian weddings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 3, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': today's last panel is ANOTHER good e-mail signature line! &lt;br&gt;especially if you're a businessman/woman!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Imagine:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

=== November 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=197 November 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things!

=== December 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=221 December 23, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM.

== 2004 ==
=== January 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=227 January 1, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resoltuions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 1, 2004''
:'''Tooltip''': i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=233 January 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! These things DON'T EXIST. Also: objectivity.
:'''Subject''': people are inventing new things that don't exist all the time

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2004''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that exist include book reports and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made, of course, out of ham and cheese! These things EXIST. Also: rock concerts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=243 January 28, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who!

=== February 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=253 February 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are!

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000260.html February 24, 2004]''
: (After T-Rex invites everyone over for an 'Ice cream night')
:'''T-Rex''': Shit, it's still winter!

=== March 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=268 March 8, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time!

=== April 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=304 April 28, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

=== May 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=311 May 11, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Curiosity: SATISFIED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=318 May 20, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's funny? Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=313 May 13, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, 'I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!' Your current mood was 'kingly'! I thought to myself, 'T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=319 May 24, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy!
:'''T-Rex''': Why's that?
:'''Utahraptor''': You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane.
:'''T-Rex''': Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! Observe!

=== June 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000334.html June 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have failed to prove my point!
:'''Tooltip''': i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

=== July 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=353 July 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copyright law is logically INCOHERENT.

=== August 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=363 August 4, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Explore your feelings?&quot; Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! Whom, it's worth noting, I respect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=364 August 5, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the internet.
=== September 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=385 September 8, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I warn you: a school burning down? Pretty wacky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=391 September 16, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have faith in random developements of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? You attractive individual!

=== October 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=417 October 31, 2004]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': But T-Rex, most fanfiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other!

=== November 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000422.html November 08, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole!
:'''Utahraptor''': Ewwww! &quot;All up in my earhole&quot;? That's disgusting! &quot;Earhole&quot;! Man! Friendship annulled! You're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=428 November 16, 2004]
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2?

=== December 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=411 December 7, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=445 December 14, 2004]
:'''Narration''': TEEN MAGAZEEN by t-rex&lt;br/&gt;&quot;friends with benefits&quot;: pretty hot&lt;br/&gt;are you fully aware of sex? maybe not?&lt;br/&gt;special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed&lt;br/&gt;plus: understanding europe

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=455 December 30, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I have lived as few men dared dream!

== 2005 ==

=== January 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=456 January 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': '''!''' &quot;We can sexy&quot; is totally going to be my epitaph! For reals!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=458 January 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=461 January 10, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Whatever, man! WHAT to the EV to the E R!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=469 January 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's part of the fiction! The SCIENCE FICTION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=472 January 27, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY'''&lt;br/&gt;'''FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT'''

=== February 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=478 February 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Woooo! Spring break WOOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 February 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''February 17, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Your whole family is made out of meat.

=== March 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=492 March 2, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX - WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''March 2, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=493 March 3, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! WE'LL BE LIKE &quot;HELLO T-REX&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=498 March 10, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS'''
:'''T-Rex''': Must be nice!!
:'''Devil''': '''THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=499 March 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Stupid whitelist spam protection systems!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=500 March 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX''

=== April 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=517 April 11, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''BY THE WAY THAT IS A CATCHY TUNE T-REX&lt;br/&gt;I'M GONNA STEAL IT OK'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=523 April 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES'''
:'''T-Rex''': Great! Let's talk about that instead!
:'''Devil''': '''I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR'''
:'''Tooltip''': welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=525 April 21, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
:'''T-Rex''': A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!

=== May 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=532 May 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien-OH MY GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=534 May 4, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=535 May 5, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES FROM'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''May 5, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS&lt;br/&gt;HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF FIFTY POINTS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=536 May 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups! Each person has their own unique properties and outlook on life. Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=539 May 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I'm amazing. I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=543 May 18, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=546 May 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''':  Yes, well - Utahraptor. My friend died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=547 May 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? I mean witty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=548 May 26, 2005]''
:'''Subject''': i'm programming as hard as i can but still feel sort of empty inside. is this normal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=549 May 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=550 May 31, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when its finished, so when its discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. One is advised to tell one's friends!

=== June 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=551 June 1, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So &quot;werewolf&quot; is actually a more sexist word than &quot;woman&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': According to me: yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=554 June 6, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=560 June 14, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=566 June 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Looks like you've come down on the side of &quot;gendered professional nouns have their occassional uses&quot;!

=== July 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=581 July 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a firm believer in the 'do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves' school of problem solving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=583 July 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Saying &quot;the movie needed more explosions&quot; is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way!
:'''Utahraptor''': I got that, thanks!
:'''T-Rex''': I find that most movies need way more explosions though. You know?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=590 July 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? - Discuss!

=== August 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=593 August 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic &quot;perhaps!&quot; followed by a wide-eyed &quot;who knows??&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=592 August 2, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED'''
:'''T-Rex''': There's no shame in that! I do everything naked!
:'''God''': '''HA - ME TOO MAN'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands!
:'''Utahraptor''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. - Pretty manly! - And pretty consequential!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=609 August 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

=== September 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=613 September 2, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 2, 2005''
:'''Subject''': random encounters take time but can add to experience

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=624 September 21, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY &quot;PARTY&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626 September 26, 2005]''
'''HOUR 34:'''
:'''T-Rex''': What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
:'''Utahraptor''': I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
:'''T-Rex''': Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?

=== October 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=631 October 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=632 October 4, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO'''
:'''T-Rex''': Then why don't you do anything about it?
:'''God''': '''I HAVE MAN&lt;br/&gt;ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD&lt;br/&gt;ZING
:'''Tooltip''': those poo bugs, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=633 October 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word &quot;awesome&quot; a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited?
:'''T-Rex''': You're right! I'm not certain if overusing &quot;awesome&quot; is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue.
:'''Utahraptor''': So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about?
:'''T-Rex''': Um...it's called - &quot;How to Be&quot;? And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. Live and learn, bitches!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 5, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=635 October 10, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this?
:'''God''': '''I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue?
:'''God''': '''THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=637 October 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! My philosophy - she has her limitations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 12, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=638 October 13, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today, I am selling compliments! ...for PROFIT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 13, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=639 October 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. ! Is that racist??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 14, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging!
:'''Utahraptor''': Really? You think 'tenet' is -
:'''T-Rex''': Screw you!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''subject''': this is only a cognitive linguistic theory, which must be why t-rex says &quot;probably&quot;, however it is a really cool theory, so it's &quot;chance to be true&quot; ratio is raised by at least 15%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=641 October 18, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Who is this &quot;Timmy&quot; guy?
:'''T-Rex''': He's a rhetorical dude! He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=642 October 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is &quot;Heck yes!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. I - I got caught.
:'''Tooltip''': it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''subject''': i think &quot;confession time!&quot; is what priests shout before confession begins. i am almost ninety-nine percent certain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=643 October 20, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though!&lt;br&gt;RUH ROH

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=644 October 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=645 October 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': alternate ending:&lt;br/&gt;god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX&lt;br/&gt;t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them!&lt;br/&gt;god: WELL&lt;br/&gt;THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=646 October 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=647 October 27, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARASSING SECRETS&lt;br&gt; IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN&lt;br&gt;FOR ME&lt;br&gt;GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song &quot;Tubtumping&quot; by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=648 October 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 28, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Can you help me out?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right?
:'''T-Rex''': RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=649 October 31, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarassment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! It has been a night of revelation!
:'''Tooltip''': it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

=== November 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=650 November 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=651 November 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=652 November 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 3, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new &quot;damn the man&quot; persona!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 4, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you're just trying to play &quot;hard to get&quot;. And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 4, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': But, I'm ALSO creating a shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now?
:'''Utahraptor''': Nope!
:'''T-Rex''': Try harder!
:'''Tooltip''': you're doing it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap! There's a bomb in the comic. If I stop stomping the comic will explode! I must stomp unceasingly or we are all surely doomed!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Isn't that all you ever do anyway?
:'''T-Rex''': I must heroically continue to save us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=664 November 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
:'''Utahraptor''': That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
:'''T-Rex''': EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
:'''Tooltip''': grant request: DENIED?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=665 November 18, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=666 November 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 21, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGS!
:'''Devil''': '''I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=667 November 22, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! Man! Friggin' events!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer, is, of course, &quot;by accident&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=668 November 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. What a copycat! It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': this comic applies to my own life in several important ways

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=669 November 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around?
:'''Utahraptor''': The best ones do!
:'''T-Rex''': Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! What is this emotion called 'regret'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=670 November 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=671 November 29, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation!
:'''T-Rex''': That's right, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally &quot;murdering&quot; your friends who shoot down your ideas. I MEAN...OOPS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=672 November 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say &quot;Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I will call my house, &quot;The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done&quot;.

=== December 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=673 December 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? Then they rub their faces on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 1, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i am maybe a little interested just in rubbing my face on the carpet

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=674 December 2, 2005]''
:'''Morris''': oh t-rex it really was a challenge for me today.  but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that.  morris the bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=675 December 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says &quot;exploded&quot; or &quot;drowned&quot; or &quot;poisoned apple&quot; and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': This machine delights in ironically vague deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say &quot;made into delicious cheeseburger&quot;. Not that the cows could understand! Friggin' cheeseburgers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=676 December 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I think it would be great to have my [[last words]] planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=677 December 7, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Also: learning is not a competition?
:'''Tooltip''': IT IS TODAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=678 December 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
:'''Tooltip''': PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i bought a burger and it had no toppings.  no toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=679 December 12, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=681 December 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER HA HA HA WHAT ARE THE ODDS''
:'''Tooltip''': what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=682 December 15, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? E-except for racists.
:'''Tooltip''': FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
:'''Subject''': epilogue: for the rest of t-rex's life, this problem never actually comes up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=683 December 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
:'''God''': HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is &quot;try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch&quot;, which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.
:'''Subject''': I'M more of a one-man 'chatting people up at the debt collection agency' agency

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=684 December 20, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression!  'That dude just fell down the stairs!  Holy smokes!'  It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of 'holy cow' because nobody says 'holy smokes' anymore.  It is forgotten.  It is UNDISCOVERED.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 20, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people where doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that.  he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=685 December 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 21, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle.  it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts.  they just fall to the ground, twitching!  we're really from two different worlds, i think.
:'''Subject''': ATTENTION ROBOTS THAT BUILD CARS: what the hell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=686 December 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet!  I AM SO POOCHED!  I am the worst friend in the world. This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': so wait wait is everyone a sinister robot clone in this comic or what

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=687 December 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have made a very important New Year's Resolution!  It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE.  People will soon all describe things as 'T-Rexian'!  What sort of things? Awesome things, natch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Had I finally and irrevocably 'blown it' with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? Daaaaaang!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i was gonna complain about it not being new year's day in real life when it's new year's day in the comic, but then i was like, dude those dinosaurs are TALKING

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=688 December 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)!  What should it be named? MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Utahraptor''': How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named &quot;Cheeseball&quot; and &quot;Chuggy G&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Subject''': YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS RYAN WHY ARE YOU STILL SUPPORTING THE HETERO-NORMATIVE OWNERSHIP PARADIGM

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=689 December 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time?  Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, 'PERHAPS NOT'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 29, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
:'''Tooltip''': guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now
:'''Subject''': ryan: a guy who is doing comics right now when he probably should be having a shower and putting on pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=690 December 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
:'''Tooltip''': i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 30, 2005''
:'''Subject''': clearly t-rex told utahraptor about the wish to see the future in timeline a, which was distorted into timeline b by the introduction of the vision of tomorrow in panel 4, oh yes.

== 2006 ==

=== January 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=691 January 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be goo gnus to me!
:'''T-Rex''': I will here nun of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME
:'''Subject''': in 2006, 'punchlines' are replaced with 'needless narrative closure'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=692 January 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': SCIENCE CORNER: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? Science says, 'yes!'
:'''Tooltip''': EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER
:'''Subject''': how can you have a science corner without professor science ryan, THE ANSWER IS YOU CAN'T

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=693 January 5, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': But 'begging the question' is mostly used today to mean 'raising the question'!
:'''T-Rex''': I know!  IT'S SO WRONG.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean 'raises the question' than 'a fallacy of presumption', doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
:'''T-Rex''': NO IT DOES NOT.  What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=694 January 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, I am so thirsty.  My thirst is - exquisite.  Sublime.  Immaculate.
:'''God''': GET A DRINK T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': Nopers! I would much rather consider the precise nature of my thirst.  It's - strong!  Insistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 6, 2006''
:'''Narration''': LATER, PERFORMING AID AND SANITATION WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA:
:'''T-Rex''': Man!  EVERYONE has better reasons for being here than me!
:'''Tooltip''': everyone else is all 'oh i felt like i could really make a difference here' and t-rex is all 'well, uh, i wanted to show up my friend?  he's a utahraptor'
:'''Subject''': RYAN ARE YOU BEING PREACHY OR ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WATER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=695 January 10, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! Much like... most things?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me.  Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
:'''Utah raptor''': I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Man!!  Don't leave me hangin'!
:'''Tooltip''': later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''Subject''': t-rex probably says 'most religions' in panel 3 in case there ARE some religions that are all about just going through the motions; religions which he is, as yet, unaware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=696 January 11, 2006]''
:'''God''': HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
:'''T-Rex''': Raising one eyebrow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 11, 2006''
:'''God''': OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
:'''T-Rex''': Why?!  Purple doesn't rhyme with 'machine'.
:'''God''': YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN THANKS T-REX YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
:'''Tooltip''': the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY
:'''Subject''': in heaven the standard bet IS a trillion times the amount of fried chicken an average dude would eat in his lifetime

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=697 January 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers?  This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body &gt;:|

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=698 January 13, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world?  I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex says, 'probably not!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=699 January 16, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I wish for more wishes!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, ouch!  Shot down!  Looks like no wishes for you!
:'''Utahraptor''': This sucks!
:'''T-Rex''': Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
:'''Tooltip''': really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for.  a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.
:'''Subject''': i wish for less people stealing my friggin' fries at lunch

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=700 January 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, it's true!  If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=701 January 18, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dating both twin sisters at the same time: Hot? Or just,in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? I'm afraid that I fall on the 'kind of weird' side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=702 January 19, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex.  Bad things happen to people you like.
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I know!  I know.  I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Does it?
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah.  I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
:'''T-Rex''': Hah!  I SURE have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Narration''': EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! Alright!
:'''Tooltip''': if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=703 January 23, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want.  It's majority rule!  MOB rule!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex.  Not everyone can get everything they want!
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you?  You're pooched!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 23, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Right!  Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
:'''Utahraptor''': Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Really?  Are you serious?? Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
:'''Tooltip''': blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity
:'''Subject''': from democracy to sleepin' in in six easy panels

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=704 January 24, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My favourite are the freegans!
:'''T-Rex''': Where you be vegetarian for free?
:'''Utahraptor''': Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
:'''T-Rex''': That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 24, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat which I find to be tremendously delicious!
:'''Utahraptor''': I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Tooltip''': mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Subject''': there's some resentment there towards a lack of vitamin c and bleeding from the mucous membranes

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=705 January 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! Something like, 'T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)'?
:'''T-Rex''': Man, that's not positive either!
:'''Utahraptor''': How about 'T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!'
:'''T-Rex''': That's even less positive than the first one!!
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning'
:'''T-Rex''': No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
:'''Subject''': sex in the city: like waking up each morning to a mouth flooded with ryoma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
'''LATER:'''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. Not bad, though!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'.  It was very embarrassing to us all.  I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=706 January 26, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex, enough!  Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
:''T-Rex''': No!  Of course not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 26, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': LATER: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing!  I forgive his critical outburst. 'TROUBLE AT HOME??'
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man
:'''Subject''': i've got a terminal case of the rockin' outs AND the rockin' oats :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=707 January 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. Smell associations!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 27, 2006''
:'''Narration''': FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
:'''T-Rex''': You don' know me!
:'''Tooltip''': based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)
:'''Subject''': actually it's a little how smell association works, except for the cartoon pupils part.  that's only how smell association works in cartoons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=708 January 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
:'''Tooltip''': to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0
:'''Subject''': dromiceiomimus considered getting involved in this conversation but then she was like hmm, NOPE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=709 January 31, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': IF YOU ARE DISINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
:'''T-Rex''': Please do!!
:'''Devil''': BUT I CAUTION YOU I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
:'''Tooltip''': for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible
:'''Subject''': oh no the devil has a code for god mode!!!

=== February 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=710 February 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, Dromiceiomimus!  I have a friendship crush on you!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, thank you T-Rex.  You're not so bad yourself.
:'''T-Rex''': A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=711 February 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
:'''T-Rex''': Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
:'''Utahraptor''': They support the entire food chain!
:'''T-Rex''': BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
:'''Utahraptor''': Even sunflowers?  They tilt to follow the sun!
:'''T-Rex''': Don't get me started about sunflowers!  God!  Their salty, boring seeds!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.
:'''Comment''': t-rex approaches plants the way he might approach a new video game console, and finds them lacking in replay value

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''God''': HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know. A lot? They're alright. To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 3, 2006''
:'''Comment''': ryan, i'm a plant and i read your comic yesterday and i got plant-offended

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=713 February 6, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
:'''T-Rex''': No, but -But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out here and entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 6, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': What is this emotion called 'criminal negligence'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=714 February 7, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! Man, nevermind!
:'''Tooltip''': haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=717 February 10, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You can't deal with the &quot;issue&quot; of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
:'''T-Rex''': True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
:'''Utahraptor''': What?
:'''T-Rex''': And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
:'''Tooltip''': i'm pretty sure that's how it works?
:'''Subject''': ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: everyone spends hours arguing over socialism AND communism AND the definitions of both those terms, and it's boring and stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=719 February 14, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day?  that seems like a bit of a stretch!  you are probably overthinking things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
'''BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!'''
:'''T-Rex''': W-... Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=723 February 21, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': a tip of the hat to all our brave men and women who have swallowed a lot of orange juice for no reason

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 February 24, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 February 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
'''LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:'''
:'''T-Rex''': She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke &quot;hysterical&quot;. I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE &quot;HYSTERA&quot; ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:'''
:'''T-Rex''': So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
:'''Off-Frame:''' Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
:'''T-Rex:''' Yes! A &quot;uter-b-gone&quot;. - A womboval?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i am popular at the parties of strangers

=== March 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
:'''T-Rex''': You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding &quot;the one&quot; that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being so &quot;madly in love&quot; with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
:'''T-Rex''': A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
:'''Utahraptor''': You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': it's like saying 'aunt flo' is visiting, only instead you hollah that mc masturbation is in the HOUSE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 March 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! - I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. - IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 March 27, 2006]''
:'''LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.'''
:'''T-Rex''': Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
:'''Tooltip''': arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 March 28, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i am britishfolk and 'nappy' means 'diaper' to me, so this comic is very confusing and maybe a little perverted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 March 29, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

=== April 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': So they're shaped like naughty bits?
:'''T-Rex''': No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
:'''T-Rex''': They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=763 April 26, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! Kapow!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': How was that an accident?
:'''T-Rex''': I didn't see them there, that's all!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
:'''T-Rex''': WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.

=== May 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You're always all, &quot;Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!&quot; You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': that's right, 'memorable lovemaking techniqueS'.  it's plural now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=766 May 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
:'''T-Rex''': Yep!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=767 May 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 4, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 15, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=777 May 18, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': is utahraptor's favourite song really 'all the things she said' by tatu?  it is an easy guess to make because secretly that is everyone's favourite song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=780 May 24, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme.  you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=781 May 25, 2006]''
'''MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!'''
:'''T-Rex''': Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
:'''Off-Frame''': This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=783 May 29, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop.  ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=784 May 30, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah! But &quot;regret index&quot; makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
:'''Utahraptor''': I know I am.
:'''T-Rex''': I, too, remain fully satisfied.

=== June 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787 June 5, 2006]''
:'''LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD:''':
:'''T-Rex''': Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
:'''Tooltip''': this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788 June 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
:'''Cephalopods''': ''WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX''
:'''T-Rex''': Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
:'''Cephalopods''': ''CHILLAXING''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791 June 13 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i would also have accepted 't-rex has an ape / let's see what happens'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801 June 29 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a short SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label &quot;breakfast pleasure&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not entirely certain that you do!
:'''Tooltip''': dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

=== July 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=804 July 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry.
:'''Utahraptor''': That last one is a BIT less attractive.
:'''T-Rex''': I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner.
:'''T-Rex''': Daaaamn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=813 July 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet!
:'''T-Rex''': That's a horrific idea!
:'''T-Rex''': What is wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=816 July 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word &quot;evil&quot; with the phrase &quot;Irish evil&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;COWABUNGA&quot;: ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE'''
:'''T-Rex''': So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
:'''Utahraptor''': In the first formulation, yeah.
:'''T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;I LOVE YOU&quot;: ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM'''
:'''T-Rex''': I love you!
:'''T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!'''

=== August 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=820 August 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know- littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale.
:'''Utahraptor''': And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=824 August 8, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey everyone! Stop saying &quot;bitches&quot; so much!
:'''T-Rex''': There are other words than &quot;bitches&quot;! Daaamn!
:'''T-Rex''': These words include such fine examples as &quot;fellows&quot;, &quot;gravy&quot;, and &quot;Monterey Jack&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are we to use those words in place of &quot;bitches&quot;?
:'''T-Rex''': Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying &quot;Hey! Get off my back, bitches!&quot; I can NOW say &quot;Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!&quot;
:'''Utahraptor''': That one only works because it rhymes!!
:'''T-Rex''': Says you, gravy!
:'''Utahraptor''': See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy.
:'''T-Rex''': I do want gravy.
:'''Utahraptor''': Alright.
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=828 August 15, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either!
:'''Utahraptor''': Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible!
:'''Captain Suggestible''': Guys! I'm right here!
:'''T-Rex''': I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard.
:'''Captain Suggestible''': I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=830 August 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': God, give me fifty dollars!
:'''God''': '''DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=837 August 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well- you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory.
:'''LATER!'''
:'''God''': '''T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY'''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor says I don't!
:'''God''': '''AWWWWW SHOOT'''

=== September 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=839 September 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm!
:'''T-Rex''': That is technically true!
:'''T-Rex''': However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies.
:'''Utahraptor''': So you suspect-
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=841 September 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing planet and then tour the facilities! You could be all, &quot;Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=842 September 8, 2006]''
:'''Cashier''': Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
:'''T-Rex''': Aw snapadoodle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 8, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
:'''T-Rex''': I blame the Colonel Sanders!
:'''God''': '''COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST'''
:'''T-Rex''': Well good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=843 September 11, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Controversy Monday is when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion!
:'''God''': '''YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD'''
:'''T-Rex''': Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible?
:'''God''': '''UM NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 11, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie, whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all!
:'''T-Rex''': TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born...
:'''T-Rex''': ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries!
:'''Utahraptor''': I was just preparing for Controversy Monday!
:'''T-Rex''': YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=848 September 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley!
:'''Uncanny Valley''': No problem, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=850 September 21, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': '''MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE'''
:'''T-Rex''': In one sentence starting with &quot;Dude&quot;?
:'''Devil''': '''FINE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, road trips rule!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 21, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I vote we trip to: Brazil!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's pretty far. How about someplace closer?
:'''T-Rex''': THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA??
:'''Utahraptor''': We'd need a car that works on water for that.
:'''T-Rex''': Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water??
:'''Jacques Esqueleto''': aw come on you guys it's mine
:'''T-Rex''': Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=852 September 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies?
:'''T-Rex''': DID THEY??
:'''T-Rex''': Because if you accept the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=853 September 28, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
:'''T-Rex''': The way you say it- is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not to my knowledge!
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, we have to start it!
:'''T-Rex''': Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

=== October 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=856 October 3, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like- instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video!
:'''T-Rex''': That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards (&quot;DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD&quot;) but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=861 October 11, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes!  Lesbians!  Guess What?  Here is How to Get Women to Like You'.  it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=862 October 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What's terrible? I'm just propagating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- Wait, that is terrible.
:'''Utahraptor''': Uh-huh!
:'''T-Rex''': ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me!
:'''Heterosexual Chicks and Gay Dudes''': It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!!
:'''T-Rex''': SERIOUSLY??
:'''Tooltip''': c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=864 October 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are.
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are!
:'''T-Rex''': I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising.
:'''Utahraptor''': Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST IN HIS MOUTH??
:'''T-Rex''': SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=868 October 20, 2006]''
:'''PLAN OMEGA:'''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing &quot;Push It&quot; by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French.
:'''Utahraptor''': Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles.
:'''T-Rex''': Poussez-le bon!
:'''Utahraptor''': Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=870 October 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the past I have called my first &quot;Knuckles and Chuckles&quot;, and then later upgraded to the truly compelling &quot;Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!&quot; but now I have an even better nickname!
:'''T-Rex''': The CHINESE BUFFET!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2006''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense?
:'''God''': '''ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY THAT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh that is so a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=874 October 31, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all of the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word &quot;sexy&quot; in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are &quot;sexy pirates&quot;! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse.
:'''T-Rex''': It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': The hospital is a medical doctor?
:'''T-Rex''': They're that sexy.
:'''Tooltip''': remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley!  he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

=== November 2006 ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=882 November 14, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
:'''God''': '''GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION'''
:'''T-Rex''': What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
:'''God''': '''I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH'''
:'''God''': '''DANG'''
:'''God''': '''THAT'S GOOD TOO'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=884 November 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase?
:'''T-Rex''': Sources say: &quot;DAMN girl, sure is!&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! &quot;Let's get remarkably frisky&quot; (useful in many situations), &quot;That's gobbles!&quot; (meaning &quot;that's crazy!&quot;, short for 'gobbledygook'), and &quot;I lose at sex&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.
:'''T-Rex''': You can use &quot;I lose at sex&quot; for when you lose at sex.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000888.html November 22, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up?
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''PENETRATION''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all &quot;penetration&quot; and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2006''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION.''
:'''T-Rex''': No thanks! I am busy with non-disgusting activities!
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''BUT IT'S CALLED &quot;THE WIDOWMAKER&quot;, T-REX''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''WE NEED YOUR TORSO?''
:'''Tooltip''': they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

=== December 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=894 December 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set.  I want an algorithm for enlightenment!  A checklist for nirvana!
:'''Utahraptor''': You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method?
:'''T-Rex''': Yes please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, Buddhist monks?  I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon.
:'''Buddhist monks''': Dude!  We get that ALL THE TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''Comment''': the first version of this comic that went up had a typo where instead of betting t-rex fifty bucks that *he* can't achieve enlightenment, god dropped the 'you' and instead said 'HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT', which made the whole comic hella more surreal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=895 December 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
:'''Tooltip''': it's the last thing i whisper to myself each night

== 2007 ==

=== January 2007 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=910 January 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
:'''Comment''': i'm terrified of catching a genetic disease, also, learning about medicine

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=911 January 3, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't know, T-Rex!  I might!
:'''T-Rex''': We should smooch to make extra sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING.  Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck.  And buttocks?
:'''Utahraptor''': I know how smoochitis develops, yeah.
:'''T-Rex''': It's my SPECIALITY, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=912 January 4, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am getting old!  WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2007''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah!  You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe!  I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind?  I don't know.  I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before!
:'''Tooltip''': add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=913 January 5, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Sweet!  Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right?  Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS.  And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities!  So say a decision has to be made: he writes 'decisive' on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee!  He then has the power to do things decisively.  SUPER decisively!
:'''Tooltip''': fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!
:'''Comment''': inappropriate lee, no!  put your pants back on!

=== February 2007 ===

=== March 2007 ===
:''[http://qwantz.com/archive/000955.html March 14, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

=== April 2007 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=977 April 18, 2007]''
:'''Title''': magic realism is where you tell a realistic story but then have the characters turn each other into frogs for a bit.  depressive realism is different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I think some people just like the idea that depression might be an advantage!
:'''Utharaptor''': ESPECIALLY depressed people.
:'''T-Rex''': But not TOO much, because then they wouldn't be depressed anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, sir, you look depressed!  Would you say you have a more accurate view of the world?
:'''Man''': I'm not depressed!  I'm just eating a sandwich.
:'''T-Rex''': A sandwich... made out of your own tears??
:'''Man''': HOW DID YOU KNOW
:'''Tooltip''': THE FACT THAT YOU COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THE INGREDIENTS OF MY SANDWICH NOW ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED
:'''Subject''': depressed people maybe if you ate less TEAR SANDWICHES things would start lookin up!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=978 April 19, 2007]''
:'''Title''': it's a quiet &quot;woo&quot; because any larger and you'd all be overcome with the soul-felt emotion!  do not aim comic directly at face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: 'You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love'.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Those are all plagiarized song lyrics!  Except for 'but', but there's probably a song called 'But'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. 'Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell' Man! Even I'D dump me right now!
:'''Tooltip''': it's sort of the opposite of &quot;if this isn't nice, what is?&quot;.  whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, &quot;man!  even I'D dump me right now!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=979 April 20, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, so I can't write love poetry.  That's fine.  There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me.  But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! I will call it, 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!'
:'''Title''': followed up by t-rex's &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Cat Who Ate a Person&quot;, and the more educational &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of The Troposphere Is Where Weather Exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 20, 2007''
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes!  I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story!
:'''T-Rex''': Sherlock Holmes!!  Can you describe me as 'the Napoleon of RHYME'?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': I can but try!
:'''Tooltip''': see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six?  that's RIGHT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=980 April 23, 2007]''
:'''God''': SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND 'JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET'
:'''T-Rex''': i thought maybe it could be me

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 23, 2007''
:'''Subject''': i don't know about you but i make a yes/no decision every second or so.  ''SHOULD I KEEP ON BREATHING?  I'D BETTER ASK MY LUNGS'' and then my lungs say ''HELLS YES WE LOVE THAT STUFF'' so here we are, ryan

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=981 April 24, 2007]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, what do you have against horses?
:'''T-Rex''': NOTHING!  I like horses!  Some of my best friends are horses.  That's why I can make horse jokes!  They know I'm just kidding.  They know that when I say 'why the long face' I don't actually think all horses have long faces.
:'''Utahraptor''': They do though.
:'''T-Rex''': Shh!  We're not supposed to notice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=982 April 25, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': (T-Rex!  What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left?  Yes!  You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!) (Wow!  No wonder people like capitalism so much!!)
:'''Subject''': wow!  i am finally seeing what the great shakes are about capitalism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=983 April 26, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story!  It happens whenever a character announces 'BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!' just before he gets blown up! In an EXPLOSION!
:'''Tooltip''': T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading.  Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page!  It was a pretty awesome book, you guys

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 26, 2007''
:'''Narrator''': MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman DEFINITELY blasting into space?
:'''Shakespeare''': i dunno... yes?
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare!  The correct answer is 'no!' Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
:'''Subject''': shakespeare!  put on some damned pants!  it's three in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=984 April 27, 2007]''
:'''God''': HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX 
:'''T-Rex''': Oh wow!  I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!!
:'''God''': UH
:'''T-Rex''': DO IT RIGHT NOW
:'''Tooltip''': it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life.  t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=985 April 30, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 30, 2007''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels.  come on, t-rex!  nobody likes speakerphone.  i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'

=== May 2007 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=986 May 1, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': [[Futurism]] was an art movement where dudes were all 'CARS ARE COOL AND THE PAST IS FOR CHUMPS.  LET'S DRAW SOME CARS.'
:'''Subject''': cars were new at the time and futurists were big into paintings of cars.  also, stories where there's cars
:'''T-Rex''': But they also extended beyond art, to food!  Futurists had a MANIFESTO for food.  It banned the knife and fork AND pasta, AND told people that sardines and pineapples together were tasty times!  They banned pasta because it caused skepticism?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Was the food good?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe?  But it wasn't very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 1, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': They didn't want to have to eat their food under UV lamps which 'activated' it, nor did they want to give up pasta.  It's crazy!  The movement started in Italy, and I believe people canonically eat pasta there all the time!  Like, even for breakfast?
:'''Utahraptor''': I believe that to be Italian Canon, yes.
:'''T-Rex''': I got my ideas about Italy from cartoons!  
:'''Utahraptor''': I got mine from boxes of pasta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=987 May 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hallowe'en is coming up!  Soon!  Soonish, anyway.  Hallowe'en is coming up in several months.  I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess.  Anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 2, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm writing a Hallowe'en story!  A spooky story called 'The Haunted Nun Who DIES!'
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
:'''T-Rex''': No no, the ghost haunts her.  Like a house?  And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts.  This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.

=== June 2007 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001007.html June 4, 2007]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: &quot;ice wants to float&quot;, and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? 
:'''T-Rex''': OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off! Hah, looks like you pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!

=== July 2007 ===

=== August 2007 ===

=== September 2007 ===

=== October 2007 ===

=== November 2007 ===

=== December 2007 ===

== 2009 ==

=== January 2009 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 January 2, 2009]''
:'''Title''': if i eat the flesh of my enemies, can i turn them into my brains, and thus have their OWN BODY think my thoughts, and those thoughts will be &quot;ha ha ha AWESOME&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 January 5, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': I found out about the best word yesterday: &quot;frigorific&quot;! It means &quot;cold&quot;. With this word I can finally say the sentence, &quot;DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!&quot; I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 5, 2009''
:'''Tooltip''': &quot;Frigorific&quot;! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

=== August 2009 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 August 10, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations!

== 2010 ==

=== April 2010 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697 April 20, 2010]''
:'''Subject''': keep in mind that mary is a dinosaur, making her a future dinosaur astronaut.  also let's say she's got a jetpack and that i'm pretty sure it lets her jetpack through time.

== 2012 ==

=== January 2012 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2112 January 2, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! Dromiceiomimus! You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2113 January 3, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago! Attention world! It is now LITERALLY IMPPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2115 January 5, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2117 January 7, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put &quot;structured such that nobody gets murdered&quot; pretty near the top of the list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 7, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. Anyway, wow, yay, go us

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2119 January 9, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever!
:'''God''': '''BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT'''
:'''T-Rex''': Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him...SIR.

:''January 9, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Come here, Sir!&quot; you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2120 January 10, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': WHEN I REPLAY THIS CONVERSATION IN MY DREAMS, INSTEAD OF &quot;PATHETIC&quot; I'M GOING TO SAY &quot;SUPER AWESOME. AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO DATE ME BUT REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DATE ME TOO. IT'S MY BURDEN TO BEAR AND I SHOULDER IT GLADLY.&quot; THEN I'M GONNA FLEX, JUST YOU WAIT

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2121 January 11, 2012]''
:'''tooltip''': a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps &quot;PLEASE RT&quot;: file that under Things I Would Follow 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2122 January 12, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook!

== 2022 ==

=== January 2022 ===
=== February 2022 ===
=== March 2022 ===
=== April 2022 ===
=== May 2022 ===
=== June 2022 ===
=== July 2022 ===
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3928 July 28, 2022]''
:'''Banner''': Science: super easy
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I feel like your banner is misleading.
:'''T-Rex''': Not if you don't allow followup questions it's not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3930 July 30, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': What idiot named it the &quot;International Tennis Federation Internal Adjudication Panel&quot;...and not TENNIS COURT?? 
:'''Narration''': the end

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3931 July 31, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've written a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's not quite accurate.
:'''T-Rex''': I've summarized the gist of a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''July 31, 2022''
:'''Tooltip''': me, on my deathbed: &quot;waugh! everybody cheated&quot;

=== August 2022 ===

:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3932 August 1, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, the future truly is a place of wonder and maybe hellish dystopia! It's impossible to say till we get there!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': IF we get there!
:'''T-Rex''': WHAT

=== September 2022 ===
=== October 2022 ===
=== November 2022 ===
=== December 20222 ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.qwantz.com Dinosaur Comics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20131103181454/http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/3101 Greasemonkey Script that displays the three usual easter eggs]
* [http://adamv.com/dev/grease/scripts/comicalt.user.js Greasemonkey Script to make the tool-tip visible in-page]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>lscc5wbatrpmaeuu469bkxfp7wax7k5</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150336</id>
      <parentid>3150335</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:16:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* July 2022 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="119513" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Dinosaur Comics|Dinosaur Comics]]''''' is a weekdaily, [[w:constrained comics|constrained]] [[w:webcomic|webcomic]] by Canadian writer [[Ryan North]] featuring talking dinosaurs and covering subjects from the banal to the philosophical. Each comic is the same picture, but with different dialogue. Each strip, in addition to the dialogue, contains three Easter Eggs: the title (available in the RSS feed), the subject for the comments e-mails, and a tooltip.
__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2003|2003]]'''
|align=center | 
|align=center | [[#February 2003|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2003|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2003|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2003|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2003|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2003|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2003|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2003|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2003|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2003|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2003|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2004|2004]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2004|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2004|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2004|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2004|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2004|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2004|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2004|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2004|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2004|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2004|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2004|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2004|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2005|2005]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2005|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2005|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2005|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2005|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2005|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2005|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2005|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2005|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2005|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2005|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2005|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2005|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2006|2006]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2006|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2006|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2006|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2006|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2006|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2006|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2006|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2006|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2006|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2006|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2006|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2006|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2007|2007]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2007|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2007|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2007|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2007|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2007|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2007|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2007|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2007|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2007|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2007|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2007|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2007|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2008|2008]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2008|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2008|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2008|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2008|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2008|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2008|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2008|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2008|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2008|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2008|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2008|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2008|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2009|2009]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2009|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2009|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2009|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2009|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2009|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2009|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2009|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2009|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2009|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2009|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2009|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2009|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2010|2010]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2010|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2010|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2010|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2010|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2010|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2010|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2010|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2010|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2010|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2010|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2010|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2010|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2011|2011]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2011|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2011|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2011|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2011|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2011|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2011|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2011|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2011|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2011|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2011|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2011|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2011|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2012|2012]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2012|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2012|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2012|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2012|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2012|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2012|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2012|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2012|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2012|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2012|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2012|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2012|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2022|2022]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2022|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2022|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2022|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2022|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2022|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2022|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2022|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2022|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2022|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2022|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2022|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2022|December]]
|-
|align=center colspan=13| [[#External links|External links]]
|}
&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== 2003 ==

=== February 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=1 February 1, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 1, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': crazy utahraptor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=2 February 2, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=3 February 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The emphasis on male oppression is continued as I stand poised to crush this woman beneath my man-foot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=4 February 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). Lesbians!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 4, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': I too have consummated my love for my roommate of the same gender. Now when I see him (quite often, as it turns out) there is a tension that hurts me. Right here.
:'''T-Rex''': ''['''LATER...''']'' '''I''' was his roommate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=5 February 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The realization that I've had a homosexual affair with the Utahraptor THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER AT ALL profoundly disturbs me. How could I forget such a thing? I wonder what it was like? Maybe I was really good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=6 February 6, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone is more articulate in their heads

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=7 February 7, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': notice how he avoided the overdose question

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 7, 2003''
:'''Subject''': keep your nose out of my nutritional business

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=8 February 10, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I expect this &quot;zinger&quot; to go down in history as the best of its kind ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=9 February 11, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's great?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not being a T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': No! Not being a Utahrapt- God damn it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Knock, knock.
:'''Utahraptor''': Who's there?
:'''T-Rex''': Utah.
:'''Utahraptor''': *sigh* Utah who?
:'''T-Rex''': Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! And I was a very good student!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do you even listen to yourself? 
:'''T-Rex''': No, but - see? I learnt it from '''you'''!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': All those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 12, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': we have all experienced the disappointment of a homemade joke not being recognized as genius

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=11 February 13, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 13, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=12 February 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! It would be so much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=13 February 17, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? As a dinosaur, I mean. It's time to live this day...TO THE MAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=14 February 18, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=15 February 19, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=16 February 20, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Mankind was foolish to unleash us upon the world! Who are they to play God?
:'''T-Rex''': You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=17 February 21, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for taking control of my life! No longer will I allow myself to be pushed around (by random chance or otherwise)!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe you should stop being a jerk also! Maybe THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''Subject''': you know there's other punctuation besides the exclaimation and question mark, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=18 February 24, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Relationships take time and effort. They can't happen overnight.
:'''T-Rex''': HEY! That's not what your Mom said! Last night! When we had SEX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 24, 2003''
:'''Subject''': your mom is so considerably obese

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=19 February 25, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Uh, well, what I want to say is that I'm sorry I said I had sex with your Mom last night. I actually didn't have sex with anyone last night. Or ever, for that matter.
:'''Utahraptor''': WHAT? What about us?!
:'''T-Rex''': I can't help it if I can't remember it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=20 February 26, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': How are you?
:'''Utahraptor''': Great! AND, I finally thought of the perfect answer to the question you asked me, two weeks ago!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh?
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;No&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 26, 2003''
:'''Subject''': holy shit did i enter another time warp???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=21 February 27, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': truly, the salient elements of the film have been distilled and displayed, in comic form

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 27, 2003''
:'''Subject''': where did the hair dryer come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=22 February 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for people volunteering unwanted personal information about themselves!  Should be awkward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 28, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hey, I had a dream about you last night, only you had my mother's body, and, um- Father's genitals.

=== March 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=23 March 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you are still confused, re-read this comic and I will explain things for you again.
:'''Tooltip''': if i am going too fast, re-read it again more slowly

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=24 March 4, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': I have to say I love you In an email!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=25 March 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in a very tiny car. When I woke up, my arms were sore! True story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 5, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': how did a t-rex sleep? they have such stubby arms, how could they get up? seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=26 March 6, 2003]''
:'''Reuters News Service''': These remarkable tracks are joined by those of an adult Utahraptor, who apparently stopped and stood face to face with the T-Rex (one almost wants to speculate that the two were engaged in sparkling conversation) before returning the way he came...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=27 March 7, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I see all of my relations in economic terms! You provide value to me by providing me a &quot;sounding board&quot; for my ideas, and also (potentially) as a mate! Conversely, this house provides no value to me, and my relation with it is understandably strained! 
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': please leave me be

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 7, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Does not seeing everything through the lens of economics ultimately reduce all relationships, in factall of life, to mere line items on a hypothetical statement of earnings?
:'''T-Rex''': Shit!
:'''Tooltip''': he hadn't thought of that

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=35 March 19, 2003]''
:'''Evil T-Rex''': I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because 'bad' is 'good' to us! And by 'us', I mean the entire universe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=41 March 27, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have much to offer a potential mate! I am big and strong and oh so sexy! If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighborhood, to be my companion and also to have sex with!

=== April 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=50 April 9, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I have no input of value relative to this specific situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=53 April 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The problem of course is the fiancé, who (as I understand it) does not support his wife-to-be sleeping around with another man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=54 April 15, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': Dinosaurs, or Man-Lizards, to-day knowne as G-d's Mistake, had assum'd Domain over all the Worlde, including the dark Lands of China-Men.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': By no means Fit for their Purpose as Kings and Queens, the Dinosaurs spread Fear and Incontenience, along with several similar Inconveniencies, which neither can be Described nor Understood without having first seen one of the Færsome beasts for oneself; thy Stars are indeed Fortunate, for in to-day's Moderne Age, the only such Animale thy shall see is in a rare Wood-Cut or handsel Picture-Book, where thou art Protected from the joyn'd Devourment and Digestione by the Fictionality of the Beast in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': The stern voice of Science tells us that these Monstrosities, once having exhausted the Novelty of Death-giving, simply took it as a Matter-of-Course, and paid it little Attenshon, likely dedicating the remainder of their Faculities towards some Conversation and Jokery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=56 April 17, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm sorry we ever had a homosexual affair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=63 April 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wish I was never born!

=== May 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=69 May 6, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have been working on a script: a noir about a computer programmer who gets involved in a snuff film conspiracy. The title? (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder!

=== June 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=105 June 26, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': love is when she send you an instant message that says 'u r my sweetie' and you reply 'i [heart emoticon] u'

=== July 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=113 July 8, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... under the couch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=119 July 16, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! 

=== August 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=133 August 5, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;Quite affable at times&quot;? That's it? That's my compliment? That's pretty weak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=135 August 7, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=139 August 13, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Sorry, was that too eager? Running up behind you like that? Too eager? T-Rex?
=== September 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=153 September 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So I have started a new screenplay, based on Structured Query Language for databases! It's called...UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'!

=== October 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=173 October 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I love lesbian weddings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 3, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': today's last panel is ANOTHER good e-mail signature line! &lt;br&gt;especially if you're a businessman/woman!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Imagine:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

=== November 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=197 November 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things!

=== December 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=221 December 23, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM.

== 2004 ==
=== January 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=227 January 1, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resoltuions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 1, 2004''
:'''Tooltip''': i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=233 January 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! These things DON'T EXIST. Also: objectivity.
:'''Subject''': people are inventing new things that don't exist all the time

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2004''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that exist include book reports and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made, of course, out of ham and cheese! These things EXIST. Also: rock concerts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=243 January 28, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who!

=== February 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=253 February 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are!

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000260.html February 24, 2004]''
: (After T-Rex invites everyone over for an 'Ice cream night')
:'''T-Rex''': Shit, it's still winter!

=== March 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=268 March 8, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time!

=== April 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=304 April 28, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

=== May 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=311 May 11, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Curiosity: SATISFIED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=318 May 20, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's funny? Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=313 May 13, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, 'I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!' Your current mood was 'kingly'! I thought to myself, 'T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=319 May 24, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy!
:'''T-Rex''': Why's that?
:'''Utahraptor''': You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane.
:'''T-Rex''': Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! Observe!

=== June 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000334.html June 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have failed to prove my point!
:'''Tooltip''': i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

=== July 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=353 July 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copyright law is logically INCOHERENT.

=== August 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=363 August 4, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Explore your feelings?&quot; Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! Whom, it's worth noting, I respect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=364 August 5, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the internet.
=== September 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=385 September 8, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I warn you: a school burning down? Pretty wacky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=391 September 16, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have faith in random developements of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? You attractive individual!

=== October 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=417 October 31, 2004]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': But T-Rex, most fanfiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other!

=== November 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000422.html November 08, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole!
:'''Utahraptor''': Ewwww! &quot;All up in my earhole&quot;? That's disgusting! &quot;Earhole&quot;! Man! Friendship annulled! You're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=428 November 16, 2004]
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2?

=== December 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=411 December 7, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=445 December 14, 2004]
:'''Narration''': TEEN MAGAZEEN by t-rex&lt;br/&gt;&quot;friends with benefits&quot;: pretty hot&lt;br/&gt;are you fully aware of sex? maybe not?&lt;br/&gt;special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed&lt;br/&gt;plus: understanding europe

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=455 December 30, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I have lived as few men dared dream!

== 2005 ==

=== January 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=456 January 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': '''!''' &quot;We can sexy&quot; is totally going to be my epitaph! For reals!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=458 January 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=461 January 10, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Whatever, man! WHAT to the EV to the E R!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=469 January 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's part of the fiction! The SCIENCE FICTION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=472 January 27, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY'''&lt;br/&gt;'''FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT'''

=== February 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=478 February 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Woooo! Spring break WOOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 February 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''February 17, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Your whole family is made out of meat.

=== March 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=492 March 2, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX - WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''March 2, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=493 March 3, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! WE'LL BE LIKE &quot;HELLO T-REX&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=498 March 10, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS'''
:'''T-Rex''': Must be nice!!
:'''Devil''': '''THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=499 March 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Stupid whitelist spam protection systems!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=500 March 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX''

=== April 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=517 April 11, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''BY THE WAY THAT IS A CATCHY TUNE T-REX&lt;br/&gt;I'M GONNA STEAL IT OK'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=523 April 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES'''
:'''T-Rex''': Great! Let's talk about that instead!
:'''Devil''': '''I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR'''
:'''Tooltip''': welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=525 April 21, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
:'''T-Rex''': A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!

=== May 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=532 May 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien-OH MY GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=534 May 4, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=535 May 5, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES FROM'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''May 5, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS&lt;br/&gt;HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF FIFTY POINTS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=536 May 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups! Each person has their own unique properties and outlook on life. Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=539 May 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I'm amazing. I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=543 May 18, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=546 May 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''':  Yes, well - Utahraptor. My friend died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=547 May 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? I mean witty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=548 May 26, 2005]''
:'''Subject''': i'm programming as hard as i can but still feel sort of empty inside. is this normal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=549 May 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=550 May 31, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when its finished, so when its discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. One is advised to tell one's friends!

=== June 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=551 June 1, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So &quot;werewolf&quot; is actually a more sexist word than &quot;woman&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': According to me: yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=554 June 6, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=560 June 14, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=566 June 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Looks like you've come down on the side of &quot;gendered professional nouns have their occassional uses&quot;!

=== July 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=581 July 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a firm believer in the 'do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves' school of problem solving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=583 July 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Saying &quot;the movie needed more explosions&quot; is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way!
:'''Utahraptor''': I got that, thanks!
:'''T-Rex''': I find that most movies need way more explosions though. You know?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=590 July 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? - Discuss!

=== August 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=593 August 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic &quot;perhaps!&quot; followed by a wide-eyed &quot;who knows??&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=592 August 2, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED'''
:'''T-Rex''': There's no shame in that! I do everything naked!
:'''God''': '''HA - ME TOO MAN'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands!
:'''Utahraptor''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. - Pretty manly! - And pretty consequential!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=609 August 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

=== September 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=613 September 2, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 2, 2005''
:'''Subject''': random encounters take time but can add to experience

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=624 September 21, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY &quot;PARTY&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626 September 26, 2005]''
'''HOUR 34:'''
:'''T-Rex''': What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
:'''Utahraptor''': I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
:'''T-Rex''': Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?

=== October 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=631 October 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=632 October 4, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO'''
:'''T-Rex''': Then why don't you do anything about it?
:'''God''': '''I HAVE MAN&lt;br/&gt;ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD&lt;br/&gt;ZING
:'''Tooltip''': those poo bugs, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=633 October 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word &quot;awesome&quot; a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited?
:'''T-Rex''': You're right! I'm not certain if overusing &quot;awesome&quot; is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue.
:'''Utahraptor''': So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about?
:'''T-Rex''': Um...it's called - &quot;How to Be&quot;? And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. Live and learn, bitches!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 5, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=635 October 10, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this?
:'''God''': '''I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue?
:'''God''': '''THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=637 October 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! My philosophy - she has her limitations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 12, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=638 October 13, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today, I am selling compliments! ...for PROFIT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 13, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=639 October 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. ! Is that racist??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 14, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging!
:'''Utahraptor''': Really? You think 'tenet' is -
:'''T-Rex''': Screw you!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''subject''': this is only a cognitive linguistic theory, which must be why t-rex says &quot;probably&quot;, however it is a really cool theory, so it's &quot;chance to be true&quot; ratio is raised by at least 15%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=641 October 18, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Who is this &quot;Timmy&quot; guy?
:'''T-Rex''': He's a rhetorical dude! He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=642 October 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is &quot;Heck yes!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. I - I got caught.
:'''Tooltip''': it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''subject''': i think &quot;confession time!&quot; is what priests shout before confession begins. i am almost ninety-nine percent certain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=643 October 20, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though!&lt;br&gt;RUH ROH

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=644 October 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=645 October 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': alternate ending:&lt;br/&gt;god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX&lt;br/&gt;t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them!&lt;br/&gt;god: WELL&lt;br/&gt;THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=646 October 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=647 October 27, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARASSING SECRETS&lt;br&gt; IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN&lt;br&gt;FOR ME&lt;br&gt;GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song &quot;Tubtumping&quot; by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=648 October 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 28, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Can you help me out?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right?
:'''T-Rex''': RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=649 October 31, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarassment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! It has been a night of revelation!
:'''Tooltip''': it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

=== November 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=650 November 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=651 November 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=652 November 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 3, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new &quot;damn the man&quot; persona!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 4, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you're just trying to play &quot;hard to get&quot;. And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 4, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': But, I'm ALSO creating a shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now?
:'''Utahraptor''': Nope!
:'''T-Rex''': Try harder!
:'''Tooltip''': you're doing it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap! There's a bomb in the comic. If I stop stomping the comic will explode! I must stomp unceasingly or we are all surely doomed!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Isn't that all you ever do anyway?
:'''T-Rex''': I must heroically continue to save us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=664 November 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
:'''Utahraptor''': That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
:'''T-Rex''': EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
:'''Tooltip''': grant request: DENIED?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=665 November 18, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=666 November 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 21, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGS!
:'''Devil''': '''I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=667 November 22, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! Man! Friggin' events!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer, is, of course, &quot;by accident&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=668 November 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. What a copycat! It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': this comic applies to my own life in several important ways

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=669 November 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around?
:'''Utahraptor''': The best ones do!
:'''T-Rex''': Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! What is this emotion called 'regret'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=670 November 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=671 November 29, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation!
:'''T-Rex''': That's right, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally &quot;murdering&quot; your friends who shoot down your ideas. I MEAN...OOPS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=672 November 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say &quot;Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I will call my house, &quot;The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done&quot;.

=== December 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=673 December 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? Then they rub their faces on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 1, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i am maybe a little interested just in rubbing my face on the carpet

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=674 December 2, 2005]''
:'''Morris''': oh t-rex it really was a challenge for me today.  but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that.  morris the bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=675 December 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says &quot;exploded&quot; or &quot;drowned&quot; or &quot;poisoned apple&quot; and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': This machine delights in ironically vague deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say &quot;made into delicious cheeseburger&quot;. Not that the cows could understand! Friggin' cheeseburgers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=676 December 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I think it would be great to have my [[last words]] planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=677 December 7, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Also: learning is not a competition?
:'''Tooltip''': IT IS TODAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=678 December 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
:'''Tooltip''': PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i bought a burger and it had no toppings.  no toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=679 December 12, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=681 December 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER HA HA HA WHAT ARE THE ODDS''
:'''Tooltip''': what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=682 December 15, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? E-except for racists.
:'''Tooltip''': FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
:'''Subject''': epilogue: for the rest of t-rex's life, this problem never actually comes up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=683 December 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
:'''God''': HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is &quot;try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch&quot;, which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.
:'''Subject''': I'M more of a one-man 'chatting people up at the debt collection agency' agency

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=684 December 20, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression!  'That dude just fell down the stairs!  Holy smokes!'  It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of 'holy cow' because nobody says 'holy smokes' anymore.  It is forgotten.  It is UNDISCOVERED.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 20, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people where doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that.  he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=685 December 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 21, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle.  it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts.  they just fall to the ground, twitching!  we're really from two different worlds, i think.
:'''Subject''': ATTENTION ROBOTS THAT BUILD CARS: what the hell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=686 December 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet!  I AM SO POOCHED!  I am the worst friend in the world. This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': so wait wait is everyone a sinister robot clone in this comic or what

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=687 December 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have made a very important New Year's Resolution!  It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE.  People will soon all describe things as 'T-Rexian'!  What sort of things? Awesome things, natch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Had I finally and irrevocably 'blown it' with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? Daaaaaang!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i was gonna complain about it not being new year's day in real life when it's new year's day in the comic, but then i was like, dude those dinosaurs are TALKING

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=688 December 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)!  What should it be named? MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Utahraptor''': How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named &quot;Cheeseball&quot; and &quot;Chuggy G&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Subject''': YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS RYAN WHY ARE YOU STILL SUPPORTING THE HETERO-NORMATIVE OWNERSHIP PARADIGM

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=689 December 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time?  Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, 'PERHAPS NOT'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 29, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
:'''Tooltip''': guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now
:'''Subject''': ryan: a guy who is doing comics right now when he probably should be having a shower and putting on pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=690 December 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
:'''Tooltip''': i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 30, 2005''
:'''Subject''': clearly t-rex told utahraptor about the wish to see the future in timeline a, which was distorted into timeline b by the introduction of the vision of tomorrow in panel 4, oh yes.

== 2006 ==

=== January 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=691 January 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be goo gnus to me!
:'''T-Rex''': I will here nun of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME
:'''Subject''': in 2006, 'punchlines' are replaced with 'needless narrative closure'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=692 January 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': SCIENCE CORNER: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? Science says, 'yes!'
:'''Tooltip''': EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER
:'''Subject''': how can you have a science corner without professor science ryan, THE ANSWER IS YOU CAN'T

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=693 January 5, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': But 'begging the question' is mostly used today to mean 'raising the question'!
:'''T-Rex''': I know!  IT'S SO WRONG.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean 'raises the question' than 'a fallacy of presumption', doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
:'''T-Rex''': NO IT DOES NOT.  What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=694 January 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, I am so thirsty.  My thirst is - exquisite.  Sublime.  Immaculate.
:'''God''': GET A DRINK T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': Nopers! I would much rather consider the precise nature of my thirst.  It's - strong!  Insistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 6, 2006''
:'''Narration''': LATER, PERFORMING AID AND SANITATION WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA:
:'''T-Rex''': Man!  EVERYONE has better reasons for being here than me!
:'''Tooltip''': everyone else is all 'oh i felt like i could really make a difference here' and t-rex is all 'well, uh, i wanted to show up my friend?  he's a utahraptor'
:'''Subject''': RYAN ARE YOU BEING PREACHY OR ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WATER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=695 January 10, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! Much like... most things?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me.  Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
:'''Utah raptor''': I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Man!!  Don't leave me hangin'!
:'''Tooltip''': later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''Subject''': t-rex probably says 'most religions' in panel 3 in case there ARE some religions that are all about just going through the motions; religions which he is, as yet, unaware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=696 January 11, 2006]''
:'''God''': HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
:'''T-Rex''': Raising one eyebrow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 11, 2006''
:'''God''': OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
:'''T-Rex''': Why?!  Purple doesn't rhyme with 'machine'.
:'''God''': YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN THANKS T-REX YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
:'''Tooltip''': the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY
:'''Subject''': in heaven the standard bet IS a trillion times the amount of fried chicken an average dude would eat in his lifetime

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=697 January 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers?  This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body &gt;:|

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=698 January 13, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world?  I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex says, 'probably not!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=699 January 16, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I wish for more wishes!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, ouch!  Shot down!  Looks like no wishes for you!
:'''Utahraptor''': This sucks!
:'''T-Rex''': Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
:'''Tooltip''': really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for.  a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.
:'''Subject''': i wish for less people stealing my friggin' fries at lunch

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=700 January 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, it's true!  If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=701 January 18, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dating both twin sisters at the same time: Hot? Or just,in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? I'm afraid that I fall on the 'kind of weird' side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=702 January 19, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex.  Bad things happen to people you like.
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I know!  I know.  I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Does it?
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah.  I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
:'''T-Rex''': Hah!  I SURE have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Narration''': EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! Alright!
:'''Tooltip''': if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=703 January 23, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want.  It's majority rule!  MOB rule!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex.  Not everyone can get everything they want!
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you?  You're pooched!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 23, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Right!  Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
:'''Utahraptor''': Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Really?  Are you serious?? Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
:'''Tooltip''': blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity
:'''Subject''': from democracy to sleepin' in in six easy panels

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=704 January 24, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My favourite are the freegans!
:'''T-Rex''': Where you be vegetarian for free?
:'''Utahraptor''': Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
:'''T-Rex''': That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 24, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat which I find to be tremendously delicious!
:'''Utahraptor''': I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Tooltip''': mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Subject''': there's some resentment there towards a lack of vitamin c and bleeding from the mucous membranes

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=705 January 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! Something like, 'T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)'?
:'''T-Rex''': Man, that's not positive either!
:'''Utahraptor''': How about 'T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!'
:'''T-Rex''': That's even less positive than the first one!!
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning'
:'''T-Rex''': No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
:'''Subject''': sex in the city: like waking up each morning to a mouth flooded with ryoma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
'''LATER:'''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. Not bad, though!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'.  It was very embarrassing to us all.  I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=706 January 26, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex, enough!  Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
:''T-Rex''': No!  Of course not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 26, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': LATER: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing!  I forgive his critical outburst. 'TROUBLE AT HOME??'
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man
:'''Subject''': i've got a terminal case of the rockin' outs AND the rockin' oats :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=707 January 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. Smell associations!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 27, 2006''
:'''Narration''': FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
:'''T-Rex''': You don' know me!
:'''Tooltip''': based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)
:'''Subject''': actually it's a little how smell association works, except for the cartoon pupils part.  that's only how smell association works in cartoons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=708 January 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
:'''Tooltip''': to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0
:'''Subject''': dromiceiomimus considered getting involved in this conversation but then she was like hmm, NOPE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=709 January 31, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': IF YOU ARE DISINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
:'''T-Rex''': Please do!!
:'''Devil''': BUT I CAUTION YOU I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
:'''Tooltip''': for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible
:'''Subject''': oh no the devil has a code for god mode!!!

=== February 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=710 February 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, Dromiceiomimus!  I have a friendship crush on you!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, thank you T-Rex.  You're not so bad yourself.
:'''T-Rex''': A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=711 February 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
:'''T-Rex''': Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
:'''Utahraptor''': They support the entire food chain!
:'''T-Rex''': BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
:'''Utahraptor''': Even sunflowers?  They tilt to follow the sun!
:'''T-Rex''': Don't get me started about sunflowers!  God!  Their salty, boring seeds!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.
:'''Comment''': t-rex approaches plants the way he might approach a new video game console, and finds them lacking in replay value

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''God''': HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know. A lot? They're alright. To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 3, 2006''
:'''Comment''': ryan, i'm a plant and i read your comic yesterday and i got plant-offended

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=713 February 6, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
:'''T-Rex''': No, but -But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out here and entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 6, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': What is this emotion called 'criminal negligence'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=714 February 7, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! Man, nevermind!
:'''Tooltip''': haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=717 February 10, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You can't deal with the &quot;issue&quot; of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
:'''T-Rex''': True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
:'''Utahraptor''': What?
:'''T-Rex''': And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
:'''Tooltip''': i'm pretty sure that's how it works?
:'''Subject''': ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: everyone spends hours arguing over socialism AND communism AND the definitions of both those terms, and it's boring and stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=719 February 14, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day?  that seems like a bit of a stretch!  you are probably overthinking things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
'''BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!'''
:'''T-Rex''': W-... Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=723 February 21, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': a tip of the hat to all our brave men and women who have swallowed a lot of orange juice for no reason

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 February 24, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 February 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
'''LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:'''
:'''T-Rex''': She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke &quot;hysterical&quot;. I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE &quot;HYSTERA&quot; ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:'''
:'''T-Rex''': So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
:'''Off-Frame:''' Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
:'''T-Rex:''' Yes! A &quot;uter-b-gone&quot;. - A womboval?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i am popular at the parties of strangers

=== March 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
:'''T-Rex''': You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding &quot;the one&quot; that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being so &quot;madly in love&quot; with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
:'''T-Rex''': A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
:'''Utahraptor''': You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': it's like saying 'aunt flo' is visiting, only instead you hollah that mc masturbation is in the HOUSE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 March 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! - I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. - IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 March 27, 2006]''
:'''LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.'''
:'''T-Rex''': Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
:'''Tooltip''': arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 March 28, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i am britishfolk and 'nappy' means 'diaper' to me, so this comic is very confusing and maybe a little perverted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 March 29, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

=== April 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': So they're shaped like naughty bits?
:'''T-Rex''': No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
:'''T-Rex''': They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=763 April 26, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! Kapow!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': How was that an accident?
:'''T-Rex''': I didn't see them there, that's all!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
:'''T-Rex''': WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.

=== May 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You're always all, &quot;Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!&quot; You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': that's right, 'memorable lovemaking techniqueS'.  it's plural now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=766 May 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
:'''T-Rex''': Yep!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=767 May 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 4, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 15, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=777 May 18, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': is utahraptor's favourite song really 'all the things she said' by tatu?  it is an easy guess to make because secretly that is everyone's favourite song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=780 May 24, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme.  you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=781 May 25, 2006]''
'''MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!'''
:'''T-Rex''': Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
:'''Off-Frame''': This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=783 May 29, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop.  ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=784 May 30, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah! But &quot;regret index&quot; makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
:'''Utahraptor''': I know I am.
:'''T-Rex''': I, too, remain fully satisfied.

=== June 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787 June 5, 2006]''
:'''LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD:''':
:'''T-Rex''': Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
:'''Tooltip''': this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788 June 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
:'''Cephalopods''': ''WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX''
:'''T-Rex''': Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
:'''Cephalopods''': ''CHILLAXING''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791 June 13 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i would also have accepted 't-rex has an ape / let's see what happens'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801 June 29 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a short SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label &quot;breakfast pleasure&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not entirely certain that you do!
:'''Tooltip''': dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

=== July 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=804 July 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry.
:'''Utahraptor''': That last one is a BIT less attractive.
:'''T-Rex''': I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner.
:'''T-Rex''': Daaaamn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=813 July 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet!
:'''T-Rex''': That's a horrific idea!
:'''T-Rex''': What is wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=816 July 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word &quot;evil&quot; with the phrase &quot;Irish evil&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;COWABUNGA&quot;: ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE'''
:'''T-Rex''': So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
:'''Utahraptor''': In the first formulation, yeah.
:'''T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;I LOVE YOU&quot;: ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM'''
:'''T-Rex''': I love you!
:'''T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!'''

=== August 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=820 August 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know- littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale.
:'''Utahraptor''': And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=824 August 8, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey everyone! Stop saying &quot;bitches&quot; so much!
:'''T-Rex''': There are other words than &quot;bitches&quot;! Daaamn!
:'''T-Rex''': These words include such fine examples as &quot;fellows&quot;, &quot;gravy&quot;, and &quot;Monterey Jack&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are we to use those words in place of &quot;bitches&quot;?
:'''T-Rex''': Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying &quot;Hey! Get off my back, bitches!&quot; I can NOW say &quot;Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!&quot;
:'''Utahraptor''': That one only works because it rhymes!!
:'''T-Rex''': Says you, gravy!
:'''Utahraptor''': See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy.
:'''T-Rex''': I do want gravy.
:'''Utahraptor''': Alright.
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=828 August 15, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either!
:'''Utahraptor''': Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible!
:'''Captain Suggestible''': Guys! I'm right here!
:'''T-Rex''': I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard.
:'''Captain Suggestible''': I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=830 August 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': God, give me fifty dollars!
:'''God''': '''DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=837 August 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well- you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory.
:'''LATER!'''
:'''God''': '''T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY'''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor says I don't!
:'''God''': '''AWWWWW SHOOT'''

=== September 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=839 September 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm!
:'''T-Rex''': That is technically true!
:'''T-Rex''': However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies.
:'''Utahraptor''': So you suspect-
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=841 September 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing planet and then tour the facilities! You could be all, &quot;Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=842 September 8, 2006]''
:'''Cashier''': Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
:'''T-Rex''': Aw snapadoodle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 8, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
:'''T-Rex''': I blame the Colonel Sanders!
:'''God''': '''COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST'''
:'''T-Rex''': Well good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=843 September 11, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Controversy Monday is when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion!
:'''God''': '''YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD'''
:'''T-Rex''': Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible?
:'''God''': '''UM NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 11, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie, whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all!
:'''T-Rex''': TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born...
:'''T-Rex''': ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries!
:'''Utahraptor''': I was just preparing for Controversy Monday!
:'''T-Rex''': YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=848 September 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley!
:'''Uncanny Valley''': No problem, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=850 September 21, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': '''MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE'''
:'''T-Rex''': In one sentence starting with &quot;Dude&quot;?
:'''Devil''': '''FINE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, road trips rule!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 21, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I vote we trip to: Brazil!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's pretty far. How about someplace closer?
:'''T-Rex''': THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA??
:'''Utahraptor''': We'd need a car that works on water for that.
:'''T-Rex''': Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water??
:'''Jacques Esqueleto''': aw come on you guys it's mine
:'''T-Rex''': Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=852 September 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies?
:'''T-Rex''': DID THEY??
:'''T-Rex''': Because if you accept the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=853 September 28, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
:'''T-Rex''': The way you say it- is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not to my knowledge!
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, we have to start it!
:'''T-Rex''': Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

=== October 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=856 October 3, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like- instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video!
:'''T-Rex''': That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards (&quot;DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD&quot;) but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=861 October 11, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes!  Lesbians!  Guess What?  Here is How to Get Women to Like You'.  it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=862 October 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What's terrible? I'm just propagating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- Wait, that is terrible.
:'''Utahraptor''': Uh-huh!
:'''T-Rex''': ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me!
:'''Heterosexual Chicks and Gay Dudes''': It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!!
:'''T-Rex''': SERIOUSLY??
:'''Tooltip''': c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=864 October 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are.
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are!
:'''T-Rex''': I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising.
:'''Utahraptor''': Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST IN HIS MOUTH??
:'''T-Rex''': SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=868 October 20, 2006]''
:'''PLAN OMEGA:'''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing &quot;Push It&quot; by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French.
:'''Utahraptor''': Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles.
:'''T-Rex''': Poussez-le bon!
:'''Utahraptor''': Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=870 October 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the past I have called my first &quot;Knuckles and Chuckles&quot;, and then later upgraded to the truly compelling &quot;Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!&quot; but now I have an even better nickname!
:'''T-Rex''': The CHINESE BUFFET!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2006''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense?
:'''God''': '''ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY THAT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh that is so a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=874 October 31, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all of the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word &quot;sexy&quot; in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are &quot;sexy pirates&quot;! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse.
:'''T-Rex''': It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': The hospital is a medical doctor?
:'''T-Rex''': They're that sexy.
:'''Tooltip''': remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley!  he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

=== November 2006 ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=882 November 14, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
:'''God''': '''GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION'''
:'''T-Rex''': What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
:'''God''': '''I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH'''
:'''God''': '''DANG'''
:'''God''': '''THAT'S GOOD TOO'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=884 November 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase?
:'''T-Rex''': Sources say: &quot;DAMN girl, sure is!&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! &quot;Let's get remarkably frisky&quot; (useful in many situations), &quot;That's gobbles!&quot; (meaning &quot;that's crazy!&quot;, short for 'gobbledygook'), and &quot;I lose at sex&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.
:'''T-Rex''': You can use &quot;I lose at sex&quot; for when you lose at sex.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000888.html November 22, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up?
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''PENETRATION''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all &quot;penetration&quot; and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2006''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION.''
:'''T-Rex''': No thanks! I am busy with non-disgusting activities!
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''BUT IT'S CALLED &quot;THE WIDOWMAKER&quot;, T-REX''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''WE NEED YOUR TORSO?''
:'''Tooltip''': they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

=== December 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=894 December 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set.  I want an algorithm for enlightenment!  A checklist for nirvana!
:'''Utahraptor''': You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method?
:'''T-Rex''': Yes please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, Buddhist monks?  I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon.
:'''Buddhist monks''': Dude!  We get that ALL THE TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''Comment''': the first version of this comic that went up had a typo where instead of betting t-rex fifty bucks that *he* can't achieve enlightenment, god dropped the 'you' and instead said 'HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT', which made the whole comic hella more surreal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=895 December 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
:'''Tooltip''': it's the last thing i whisper to myself each night

== 2007 ==

=== January 2007 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=910 January 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
:'''Comment''': i'm terrified of catching a genetic disease, also, learning about medicine

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=911 January 3, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't know, T-Rex!  I might!
:'''T-Rex''': We should smooch to make extra sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING.  Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck.  And buttocks?
:'''Utahraptor''': I know how smoochitis develops, yeah.
:'''T-Rex''': It's my SPECIALITY, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=912 January 4, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am getting old!  WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2007''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah!  You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe!  I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind?  I don't know.  I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before!
:'''Tooltip''': add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=913 January 5, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Sweet!  Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right?  Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS.  And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities!  So say a decision has to be made: he writes 'decisive' on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee!  He then has the power to do things decisively.  SUPER decisively!
:'''Tooltip''': fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!
:'''Comment''': inappropriate lee, no!  put your pants back on!

=== February 2007 ===

=== March 2007 ===
:''[http://qwantz.com/archive/000955.html March 14, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

=== April 2007 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=977 April 18, 2007]''
:'''Title''': magic realism is where you tell a realistic story but then have the characters turn each other into frogs for a bit.  depressive realism is different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I think some people just like the idea that depression might be an advantage!
:'''Utharaptor''': ESPECIALLY depressed people.
:'''T-Rex''': But not TOO much, because then they wouldn't be depressed anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, sir, you look depressed!  Would you say you have a more accurate view of the world?
:'''Man''': I'm not depressed!  I'm just eating a sandwich.
:'''T-Rex''': A sandwich... made out of your own tears??
:'''Man''': HOW DID YOU KNOW
:'''Tooltip''': THE FACT THAT YOU COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THE INGREDIENTS OF MY SANDWICH NOW ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED
:'''Subject''': depressed people maybe if you ate less TEAR SANDWICHES things would start lookin up!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=978 April 19, 2007]''
:'''Title''': it's a quiet &quot;woo&quot; because any larger and you'd all be overcome with the soul-felt emotion!  do not aim comic directly at face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: 'You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love'.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Those are all plagiarized song lyrics!  Except for 'but', but there's probably a song called 'But'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. 'Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell' Man! Even I'D dump me right now!
:'''Tooltip''': it's sort of the opposite of &quot;if this isn't nice, what is?&quot;.  whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, &quot;man!  even I'D dump me right now!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=979 April 20, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, so I can't write love poetry.  That's fine.  There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me.  But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! I will call it, 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!'
:'''Title''': followed up by t-rex's &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Cat Who Ate a Person&quot;, and the more educational &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of The Troposphere Is Where Weather Exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 20, 2007''
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes!  I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story!
:'''T-Rex''': Sherlock Holmes!!  Can you describe me as 'the Napoleon of RHYME'?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': I can but try!
:'''Tooltip''': see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six?  that's RIGHT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=980 April 23, 2007]''
:'''God''': SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND 'JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET'
:'''T-Rex''': i thought maybe it could be me

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 23, 2007''
:'''Subject''': i don't know about you but i make a yes/no decision every second or so.  ''SHOULD I KEEP ON BREATHING?  I'D BETTER ASK MY LUNGS'' and then my lungs say ''HELLS YES WE LOVE THAT STUFF'' so here we are, ryan

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=981 April 24, 2007]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, what do you have against horses?
:'''T-Rex''': NOTHING!  I like horses!  Some of my best friends are horses.  That's why I can make horse jokes!  They know I'm just kidding.  They know that when I say 'why the long face' I don't actually think all horses have long faces.
:'''Utahraptor''': They do though.
:'''T-Rex''': Shh!  We're not supposed to notice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=982 April 25, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': (T-Rex!  What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left?  Yes!  You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!) (Wow!  No wonder people like capitalism so much!!)
:'''Subject''': wow!  i am finally seeing what the great shakes are about capitalism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=983 April 26, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story!  It happens whenever a character announces 'BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!' just before he gets blown up! In an EXPLOSION!
:'''Tooltip''': T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading.  Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page!  It was a pretty awesome book, you guys

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 26, 2007''
:'''Narrator''': MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman DEFINITELY blasting into space?
:'''Shakespeare''': i dunno... yes?
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare!  The correct answer is 'no!' Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
:'''Subject''': shakespeare!  put on some damned pants!  it's three in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=984 April 27, 2007]''
:'''God''': HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX 
:'''T-Rex''': Oh wow!  I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!!
:'''God''': UH
:'''T-Rex''': DO IT RIGHT NOW
:'''Tooltip''': it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life.  t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=985 April 30, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 30, 2007''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels.  come on, t-rex!  nobody likes speakerphone.  i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'

=== May 2007 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=986 May 1, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': [[Futurism]] was an art movement where dudes were all 'CARS ARE COOL AND THE PAST IS FOR CHUMPS.  LET'S DRAW SOME CARS.'
:'''Subject''': cars were new at the time and futurists were big into paintings of cars.  also, stories where there's cars
:'''T-Rex''': But they also extended beyond art, to food!  Futurists had a MANIFESTO for food.  It banned the knife and fork AND pasta, AND told people that sardines and pineapples together were tasty times!  They banned pasta because it caused skepticism?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Was the food good?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe?  But it wasn't very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 1, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': They didn't want to have to eat their food under UV lamps which 'activated' it, nor did they want to give up pasta.  It's crazy!  The movement started in Italy, and I believe people canonically eat pasta there all the time!  Like, even for breakfast?
:'''Utahraptor''': I believe that to be Italian Canon, yes.
:'''T-Rex''': I got my ideas about Italy from cartoons!  
:'''Utahraptor''': I got mine from boxes of pasta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=987 May 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hallowe'en is coming up!  Soon!  Soonish, anyway.  Hallowe'en is coming up in several months.  I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess.  Anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 2, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm writing a Hallowe'en story!  A spooky story called 'The Haunted Nun Who DIES!'
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
:'''T-Rex''': No no, the ghost haunts her.  Like a house?  And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts.  This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.

=== June 2007 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001007.html June 4, 2007]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: &quot;ice wants to float&quot;, and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? 
:'''T-Rex''': OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off! Hah, looks like you pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!

=== July 2007 ===

=== August 2007 ===

=== September 2007 ===

=== October 2007 ===

=== November 2007 ===

=== December 2007 ===

== 2009 ==

=== January 2009 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 January 2, 2009]''
:'''Title''': if i eat the flesh of my enemies, can i turn them into my brains, and thus have their OWN BODY think my thoughts, and those thoughts will be &quot;ha ha ha AWESOME&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 January 5, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': I found out about the best word yesterday: &quot;frigorific&quot;! It means &quot;cold&quot;. With this word I can finally say the sentence, &quot;DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!&quot; I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 5, 2009''
:'''Tooltip''': &quot;Frigorific&quot;! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

=== August 2009 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 August 10, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations!

== 2010 ==

=== April 2010 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697 April 20, 2010]''
:'''Subject''': keep in mind that mary is a dinosaur, making her a future dinosaur astronaut.  also let's say she's got a jetpack and that i'm pretty sure it lets her jetpack through time.

== 2012 ==

=== January 2012 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2112 January 2, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! Dromiceiomimus! You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2113 January 3, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago! Attention world! It is now LITERALLY IMPPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2115 January 5, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2117 January 7, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put &quot;structured such that nobody gets murdered&quot; pretty near the top of the list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 7, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. Anyway, wow, yay, go us

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2119 January 9, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever!
:'''God''': '''BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT'''
:'''T-Rex''': Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him...SIR.

:''January 9, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Come here, Sir!&quot; you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2120 January 10, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': WHEN I REPLAY THIS CONVERSATION IN MY DREAMS, INSTEAD OF &quot;PATHETIC&quot; I'M GOING TO SAY &quot;SUPER AWESOME. AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO DATE ME BUT REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DATE ME TOO. IT'S MY BURDEN TO BEAR AND I SHOULDER IT GLADLY.&quot; THEN I'M GONNA FLEX, JUST YOU WAIT

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2121 January 11, 2012]''
:'''tooltip''': a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps &quot;PLEASE RT&quot;: file that under Things I Would Follow 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2122 January 12, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook!

== 2022 ==

=== January 2022 ===
=== February 2022 ===
=== March 2022 ===
=== April 2022 ===
=== May 2022 ===
=== June 2022 ===
=== July 2022 ===
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3928 July 28, 2022]''
:'''Banner''': Science: super easy
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I feel like your banner is misleading.
:'''T-Rex''': Not if you don't allow followup questions it's not!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3930 July 30, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': What idiot named it the &quot;International Tennis Federation Internal Adjudication Panel&quot;...and not TENNIS COURT?? 
:'''Narration''': the end

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3931 July 31, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've written a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's not quite accurate.
:'''T-Rex''': I've summarized the gist of a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''July 31, 2022''
:'''Tooltip''': me, on my deathbed: &quot;waugh! everybody cheated&quot;

=== August 2022 ===

:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3932 August 1, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, the future truly is a place of wonder and maybe hellish dystopia! It's impossible to say till we get there!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': IF we get there!
:'''T-Rex''': WHAT

=== September 2022 ===
=== October 2022 ===
=== November 2022 ===
=== December 20222 ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.qwantz.com Dinosaur Comics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20131103181454/http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/3101 Greasemonkey Script that displays the three usual easter eggs]
* [http://adamv.com/dev/grease/scripts/comicalt.user.js Greasemonkey Script to make the tool-tip visible in-page]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>jy1beqq4jumifc39fxtsg1zpwnj5003</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150338</id>
      <parentid>3150336</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:16:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* 2022 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="119307" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Dinosaur Comics|Dinosaur Comics]]''''' is a weekdaily, [[w:constrained comics|constrained]] [[w:webcomic|webcomic]] by Canadian writer [[Ryan North]] featuring talking dinosaurs and covering subjects from the banal to the philosophical. Each comic is the same picture, but with different dialogue. Each strip, in addition to the dialogue, contains three Easter Eggs: the title (available in the RSS feed), the subject for the comments e-mails, and a tooltip.
__NOTOC__
&lt;!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;
{| border=1
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2003|2003]]'''
|align=center | 
|align=center | [[#February 2003|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2003|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2003|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2003|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2003|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2003|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2003|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2003|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2003|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2003|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2003|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2004|2004]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2004|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2004|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2004|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2004|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2004|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2004|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2004|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2004|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2004|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2004|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2004|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2004|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2005|2005]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2005|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2005|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2005|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2005|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2005|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2005|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2005|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2005|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2005|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2005|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2005|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2005|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2006|2006]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2006|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2006|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2006|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2006|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2006|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2006|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2006|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2006|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2006|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2006|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2006|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2006|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2007|2007]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2007|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2007|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2007|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2007|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2007|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2007|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2007|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2007|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2007|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2007|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2007|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2007|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2008|2008]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2008|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2008|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2008|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2008|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2008|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2008|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2008|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2008|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2008|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2008|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2008|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2008|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2009|2009]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2009|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2009|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2009|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2009|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2009|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2009|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2009|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2009|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2009|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2009|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2009|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2009|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2010|2010]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2010|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2010|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2010|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2010|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2010|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2010|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2010|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2010|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2010|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2010|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2010|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2010|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2011|2011]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2011|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2011|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2011|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2011|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2011|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2011|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2011|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2011|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2011|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2011|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2011|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2011|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2012|2012]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2012|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2012|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2012|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2012|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2012|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2012|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2012|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2012|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2012|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2012|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2012|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2012|December]]
|-
|align=center | '''[[#2022|2022]]'''
|align=center | [[#January 2022|January]]
|align=center | [[#February 2022|February]]
|align=center | [[#March 2022|March]]
|align=center | [[#April 2022|April]]
|align=center | [[#May 2022|May]]
|align=center | [[#June 2022|June]]
|align=center | [[#July 2022|July]]
|align=center | [[#August 2022|August]]
|align=center | [[#September 2022|September]]
|align=center | [[#October 2022|October]]
|align=center | [[#November 2022|November]]
|align=center | [[#December 2022|December]]
|-
|align=center colspan=13| [[#External links|External links]]
|}
&lt;!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --&gt;

== 2003 ==

=== February 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=1 February 1, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 1, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': crazy utahraptor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=2 February 2, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=3 February 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The emphasis on male oppression is continued as I stand poised to crush this woman beneath my man-foot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=4 February 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). Lesbians!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 4, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': I too have consummated my love for my roommate of the same gender. Now when I see him (quite often, as it turns out) there is a tension that hurts me. Right here.
:'''T-Rex''': ''['''LATER...''']'' '''I''' was his roommate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=5 February 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The realization that I've had a homosexual affair with the Utahraptor THAT I CANNOT REMEMBER AT ALL profoundly disturbs me. How could I forget such a thing? I wonder what it was like? Maybe I was really good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=6 February 6, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone is more articulate in their heads

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=7 February 7, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': notice how he avoided the overdose question

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 7, 2003''
:'''Subject''': keep your nose out of my nutritional business

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=8 February 10, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I expect this &quot;zinger&quot; to go down in history as the best of its kind ever!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=9 February 11, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's great?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not being a T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': No! Not being a Utahrapt- God damn it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Knock, knock.
:'''Utahraptor''': Who's there?
:'''T-Rex''': Utah.
:'''Utahraptor''': *sigh* Utah who?
:'''T-Rex''': Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! And I was a very good student!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do you even listen to yourself? 
:'''T-Rex''': No, but - see? I learnt it from '''you'''!


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=10 February 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': All those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 12, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': we have all experienced the disappointment of a homemade joke not being recognized as genius

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=11 February 13, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 13, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=12 February 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! It would be so much fun!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=13 February 17, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? As a dinosaur, I mean. It's time to live this day...TO THE MAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=14 February 18, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=15 February 19, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=16 February 20, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Mankind was foolish to unleash us upon the world! Who are they to play God?
:'''T-Rex''': You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=17 February 21, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for taking control of my life! No longer will I allow myself to be pushed around (by random chance or otherwise)!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe you should stop being a jerk also! Maybe THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 21, 2003''
:'''Subject''': you know there's other punctuation besides the exclaimation and question mark, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=18 February 24, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Relationships take time and effort. They can't happen overnight.
:'''T-Rex''': HEY! That's not what your Mom said! Last night! When we had SEX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 24, 2003''
:'''Subject''': your mom is so considerably obese

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=19 February 25, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Uh, well, what I want to say is that I'm sorry I said I had sex with your Mom last night. I actually didn't have sex with anyone last night. Or ever, for that matter.
:'''Utahraptor''': WHAT? What about us?!
:'''T-Rex''': I can't help it if I can't remember it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=20 February 26, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': How are you?
:'''Utahraptor''': Great! AND, I finally thought of the perfect answer to the question you asked me, two weeks ago!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh?
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;No&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 26, 2003''
:'''Subject''': holy shit did i enter another time warp???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=21 February 27, 2003]''
:'''Tooltip''': truly, the salient elements of the film have been distilled and displayed, in comic form

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 27, 2003''
:'''Subject''': where did the hair dryer come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=22 February 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today is a good day I think for people volunteering unwanted personal information about themselves!  Should be awkward!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 28, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hey, I had a dream about you last night, only you had my mother's body, and, um- Father's genitals.

=== March 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=23 March 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you are still confused, re-read this comic and I will explain things for you again.
:'''Tooltip''': if i am going too fast, re-read it again more slowly

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=24 March 4, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': I have to say I love you In an email!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=25 March 5, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I dreamed last night that I was sleeping in a very tiny car. When I woke up, my arms were sore! True story!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 5, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': how did a t-rex sleep? they have such stubby arms, how could they get up? seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=26 March 6, 2003]''
:'''Reuters News Service''': These remarkable tracks are joined by those of an adult Utahraptor, who apparently stopped and stood face to face with the T-Rex (one almost wants to speculate that the two were engaged in sparkling conversation) before returning the way he came...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=27 March 7, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I see all of my relations in economic terms! You provide value to me by providing me a &quot;sounding board&quot; for my ideas, and also (potentially) as a mate! Conversely, this house provides no value to me, and my relation with it is understandably strained! 
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': please leave me be

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''March 7, 2003''
:'''Utahraptor''': Does not seeing everything through the lens of economics ultimately reduce all relationships, in factall of life, to mere line items on a hypothetical statement of earnings?
:'''T-Rex''': Shit!
:'''Tooltip''': he hadn't thought of that

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=35 March 19, 2003]''
:'''Evil T-Rex''': I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because 'bad' is 'good' to us! And by 'us', I mean the entire universe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=41 March 27, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have much to offer a potential mate! I am big and strong and oh so sexy! If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighborhood, to be my companion and also to have sex with!

=== April 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=50 April 9, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I have no input of value relative to this specific situation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=53 April 14, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': The problem of course is the fiancé, who (as I understand it) does not support his wife-to-be sleeping around with another man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=54 April 15, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': Dinosaurs, or Man-Lizards, to-day knowne as G-d's Mistake, had assum'd Domain over all the Worlde, including the dark Lands of China-Men.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': By no means Fit for their Purpose as Kings and Queens, the Dinosaurs spread Fear and Incontenience, along with several similar Inconveniencies, which neither can be Described nor Understood without having first seen one of the Færsome beasts for oneself; thy Stars are indeed Fortunate, for in to-day's Moderne Age, the only such Animale thy shall see is in a rare Wood-Cut or handsel Picture-Book, where thou art Protected from the joyn'd Devourment and Digestione by the Fictionality of the Beast in question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 15, 2003''
:'''Narration''': The stern voice of Science tells us that these Monstrosities, once having exhausted the Novelty of Death-giving, simply took it as a Matter-of-Course, and paid it little Attenshon, likely dedicating the remainder of their Faculities towards some Conversation and Jokery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=56 April 17, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm sorry we ever had a homosexual affair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=63 April 28, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I wish I was never born!

=== May 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=69 May 6, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have been working on a script: a noir about a computer programmer who gets involved in a snuff film conspiracy. The title? (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder!

=== June 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=105 June 26, 2003]''
:'''Subject''': love is when she send you an instant message that says 'u r my sweetie' and you reply 'i [heart emoticon] u'

=== July 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=113 July 8, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... under the couch!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=119 July 16, 2003]''
:'''Narration''': HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! Write in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! 

=== August 2003 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=133 August 5, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;Quite affable at times&quot;? That's it? That's my compliment? That's pretty weak!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=135 August 7, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about your VIRGINITY.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=139 August 13, 2003]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Sorry, was that too eager? Running up behind you like that? Too eager? T-Rex?
=== September 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=153 September 4, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': So I have started a new screenplay, based on Structured Query Language for databases! It's called...UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'!

=== October 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=173 October 3, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I love lesbian weddings!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 3, 2003''
:'''Tooltip''': today's last panel is ANOTHER good e-mail signature line! &lt;br&gt;especially if you're a businessman/woman!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Imagine:&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;In conclusion: all evidence points to the fact that, despite misgivings, we must begin to consider utilizing 'coop-etition' and start workin

=== November 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=197 November 12, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things!

=== December 2003 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=221 December 23, 2003]''
:'''T-Rex''': I need to think of awesome presents to get all my friends! Then I'll go out and buy these gifts! I will do this using CAPITALISM.

== 2004 ==
=== January 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=227 January 1, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': People now choose to announce their resolutions, perhaps in the hopes of making their pledges more likely to be fulfilled. Worse, in some families members make resoltuions for each other: a recipe for fighting and snide, sarcastic suggestions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 1, 2004''
:'''Tooltip''': i really like how the t-rex's smile came out in the last panel. you can tell they're such close friends that they can tease each other like this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=233 January 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that don't exist include talking plants and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out of neither ham nor cheese! These things DON'T EXIST. Also: objectivity.
:'''Subject''': people are inventing new things that don't exist all the time

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2004''
:'''T-Rex''': Other things that exist include book reports and ham and cheese sandwiches that are made, of course, out of ham and cheese! These things EXIST. Also: rock concerts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=243 January 28, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I intend to make all sorts of pronouncements about myself, pronouncements that people will be forced to accept, because who would know myself better than me? Nobody, that's who!

=== February 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=253 February 12, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': If you greet all of your friends with a handshake, then, WITHOUT FAIL, people will start commenting on how classy you are!

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000260.html February 24, 2004]''
: (After T-Rex invites everyone over for an 'Ice cream night')
:'''T-Rex''': Shit, it's still winter!

=== March 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=268 March 8, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time!

=== April 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=304 April 28, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

=== May 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=311 May 11, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Curiosity: SATISFIED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=318 May 20, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's funny? Death!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=313 May 13, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': Cause I read your weblog last week, and you were all, 'I want to go back in time and set it up so I become king!' Your current mood was 'kingly'! I thought to myself, 'T-Rex, you'd better make a note of this!'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=319 May 24, 2004]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My friend, I'm afraid you've gone insane! You're coo-coo crazy!
:'''T-Rex''': Why's that?
:'''Utahraptor''': You're talking to yourself like you are two different people, and it is a societal norm that people who do that are insane.
:'''T-Rex''': Don't talk to me about societal norms! We walk around naked! Observe!

=== June 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000334.html June 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have failed to prove my point!
:'''Tooltip''': i basically end all my five-paragraph essays like this

=== July 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=353 July 14, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't copyright a fact (like a number), but you can copyright a creative work, like a song or piece of software. But since one can be transformed into another, copyright law is logically INCOHERENT.

=== August 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=363 August 4, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Explore your feelings?&quot; Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! Whom, it's worth noting, I respect.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=364 August 5, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the internet.
=== September 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=385 September 8, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I warn you: a school burning down? Pretty wacky!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=391 September 16, 2004]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have faith in random developements of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? You attractive individual!

=== October 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=417 October 31, 2004]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': But T-Rex, most fanfiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other!

=== November 2004 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000422.html November 08, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole!
:'''Utahraptor''': Ewwww! &quot;All up in my earhole&quot;? That's disgusting! &quot;Earhole&quot;! Man! Friendship annulled! You're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=428 November 16, 2004]
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2?

=== December 2004 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=411 December 7, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=445 December 14, 2004]
:'''Narration''': TEEN MAGAZEEN by t-rex&lt;br/&gt;&quot;friends with benefits&quot;: pretty hot&lt;br/&gt;are you fully aware of sex? maybe not?&lt;br/&gt;special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed&lt;br/&gt;plus: understanding europe

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=455 December 30, 2004]
:'''T-Rex''': I have lived as few men dared dream!

== 2005 ==

=== January 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=456 January 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': '''!''' &quot;We can sexy&quot; is totally going to be my epitaph! For reals!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=458 January 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=461 January 10, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Whatever, man! WHAT to the EV to the E R!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=469 January 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's part of the fiction! The SCIENCE FICTION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=472 January 27, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY'''&lt;br/&gt;'''FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT'''

=== February 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=478 February 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Woooo! Spring break WOOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 February 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Happy Dog the happy dog is the happiest dog on his street! He loves to play in the grass. Everyone you know will one day be dead!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''February 17, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Your whole family is made out of meat.

=== March 2005 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=492 March 2, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX - WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''March 2, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=493 March 3, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''T-REX, WE'RE GOING TO SNEAK INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT! WE'LL BE LIKE &quot;HELLO T-REX&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=498 March 10, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''T-REX YOUR COMPANION IS CLEARLY UNFAMILIAR WITH MY PROWESS IN THE REALM OF MMORPGS'''
:'''T-Rex''': Must be nice!!
:'''Devil''': '''THE CHRONICLES OF MY DARK ELF CHARACTER ARE ASSUREDLY THE STUFF OF LEGEND'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=499 March 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Stupid whitelist spam protection systems!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=500 March 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''COME BLEED WITH US, T-REX''

=== April 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=517 April 11, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''BY THE WAY THAT IS A CATCHY TUNE T-REX&lt;br/&gt;I'M GONNA STEAL IT OK'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=523 April 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? You've got to understand this! T-REX EQUALS DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES ALL THAT OFTEN!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO-RELATED ACTIVITIES'''
:'''T-Rex''': Great! Let's talk about that instead!
:'''Devil''': '''I LIKE RANCH FLAVOUR'''
:'''Tooltip''': welcome to comics about chips week, here at qwantz.com

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=525 April 21, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
:'''T-Rex''': A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!

=== May 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=532 May 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien-OH MY GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=534 May 4, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only way to truly live a meaningful life is to engage in sexual congress with a large number of partners!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=535 May 5, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''HEY T-REX DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES FROM'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''May 5, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THESE SCURRILOUS ALLEGATIONS&lt;br/&gt;HOWEVER I DO CONFESS TO ACHIEVING UPWARDS OF FIFTY POINTS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=536 May 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can't apply broad generalizations to heterogeneous groups! Each person has their own unique properties and outlook on life. Dude! Good thing I was around, eh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=539 May 11, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I'm amazing. I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=543 May 18, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=546 May 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''':  Yes, well - Utahraptor. My friend died.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=547 May 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? I mean witty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=548 May 26, 2005]''
:'''Subject''': i'm programming as hard as i can but still feel sort of empty inside. is this normal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=549 May 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Argh! Friggin' yoga schools! This is not the first time in my life I've had incident to shout this!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=550 May 31, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm working on a group biography about us! But get this: I'm going to bury it when its finished, so when its discovered in the distant future, it will be published for SURE. It'll be historical!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': History does not record, unfortunately, what must have been a stellar retort on the part of T-Rex. Of this, however, we can be certain: he was an awesome dude. One is advised to tell one's friends!

=== June 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=551 June 1, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So &quot;werewolf&quot; is actually a more sexist word than &quot;woman&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': According to me: yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=554 June 6, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''MAN T-REX YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM FATAL RADIATION EXPOSURE YOURSELF'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=560 June 14, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's greatest inventions of the past century: women's suffrage, poutine, chips!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=566 June 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Looks like you've come down on the side of &quot;gendered professional nouns have their occassional uses&quot;!

=== July 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=581 July 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a firm believer in the 'do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves' school of problem solving.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=583 July 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Saying &quot;the movie needed more explosions&quot; is my polite way to suggest that the film was a romantic comedy, by the way!
:'''Utahraptor''': I got that, thanks!
:'''T-Rex''': I find that most movies need way more explosions though. You know?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=590 July 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The REAL question is, why's everyone getting all up in my fries? Is there something particularly attractive about my fries today? - Discuss!

=== August 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=593 August 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic &quot;perhaps!&quot; followed by a wide-eyed &quot;who knows??&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=592 August 2, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE BY MY COUNT YOU'VE CHASED AFTER LIKE TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE BIRDS WHILE NAKED'''
:'''T-Rex''': There's no shame in that! I do everything naked!
:'''God''': '''HA - ME TOO MAN'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=595 August 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands!
:'''Utahraptor''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. - Pretty manly! - And pretty consequential!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=609 August 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT.

=== September 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=613 September 2, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 2, 2005''
:'''Subject''': random encounters take time but can add to experience

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=624 September 21, 2005]''
:'''Devil''': '''ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY &quot;PARTY&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626 September 26, 2005]''
'''HOUR 34:'''
:'''T-Rex''': What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
:'''Utahraptor''': I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
:'''T-Rex''': Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?

=== October 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=631 October 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=632 October 4, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO'''
:'''T-Rex''': Then why don't you do anything about it?
:'''God''': '''I HAVE MAN&lt;br/&gt;ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD&lt;br/&gt;ZING
:'''Tooltip''': those poo bugs, man.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=633 October 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word &quot;awesome&quot; a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited?
:'''T-Rex''': You're right! I'm not certain if overusing &quot;awesome&quot; is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue.
:'''Utahraptor''': So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about?
:'''T-Rex''': Um...it's called - &quot;How to Be&quot;? And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. Live and learn, bitches!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 5, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': once in a while, you can add 'bitches' after an old saying and TOTALLY get away with it. hopefully!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=635 October 10, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Wait - T-Rex, you claim to hear the voice of God! What does he say about all this?
:'''God''': '''I LIKE TO DANCE IN MY UNDERPANTS T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': He says - there's some merit to both sides of the issue?
:'''God''': '''THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I SAID'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=637 October 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! My philosophy - she has her limitations.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 12, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': can you imagine how frustrating it would be to believe people should go to class, but live in a universe where nobody goes to class? it would probably begin to interfere with other aspects of your life as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=638 October 13, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Today, I am selling compliments! ...for PROFIT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 13, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': imagine if you named your child 'attaboy special'? it'd be ridiculous! it would be a bad idea. we should all really stop talking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=639 October 14, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aw - but, man! I was looking for a challenge I WANTED to do. Anyway, yeah, I can do it. Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey. ! Is that racist??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 14, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is clearly under the impression that putting theories into practice is a big turn-on for the ladies. i have no grounds to dispute this

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': For example, I might think the word 'tenet' is enraging!
:'''Utahraptor''': Really? You think 'tenet' is -
:'''T-Rex''': Screw you!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has somehow come to believe that 'tenet' is a five-letter word that basically insults your entire world-view, goes on to insult that of your parents, and finally settles on suggesting that you have troubles in life because you don't try hard enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=640 October 17, 2005]''
:'''subject''': this is only a cognitive linguistic theory, which must be why t-rex says &quot;probably&quot;, however it is a really cool theory, so it's &quot;chance to be true&quot; ratio is raised by at least 15%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=641 October 18, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Who is this &quot;Timmy&quot; guy?
:'''T-Rex''': He's a rhetorical dude! He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=642 October 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ten roasted chickens for dinner? I believe the answer is &quot;Heck yes!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Alright, I admit it! I knew it was bad for me, but I ate them anyway! And - sometimes I don't clean my house as often as I should? Oh! And one time I pretended I was deaf. I - I got caught.
:'''Tooltip''': it turns out there's no real excuse for pretending you're deaf?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 19, 2005''
:'''subject''': i think &quot;confession time!&quot; is what priests shout before confession begins. i am almost ninety-nine percent certain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=643 October 20, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you could find a way to factor numbers quickly, you would undermine tons of cryptographic systems overnight. crazy! there is a way to do this using quantum computers, but luckily only really tiny quantum computers exist. one DID recently factor the number 15 into 3 and 5, though!&lt;br&gt;RUH ROH

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=644 October 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 24, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=645 October 25, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': alternate ending:&lt;br/&gt;god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX&lt;br/&gt;t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them!&lt;br/&gt;god: WELL&lt;br/&gt;THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=646 October 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=647 October 27, 2005]''
:'''God''': '''DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARASSING SECRETS&lt;br&gt; IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN&lt;br&gt;FOR ME&lt;br&gt;GOD

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song &quot;Tubtumping&quot; by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=648 October 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've decided to stalk a friend! Hah hah, why not? I will be the person they least suspect! This is because I'm violating the understood limits of our friendship!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 28, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Can you help me out?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I can, and I will! This is all in good fun, right?
:'''T-Rex''': RIGHT. We are NOT allowed to murder him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=649 October 31, 2005]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex?
:'''T-Rex''': Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarassment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 31, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! It has been a night of revelation!
:'''Tooltip''': it was one of those 'i bet you can't lick your elbow' type bets that t-rex shouldn't have fallen for, but that's not really important to the story right now.

=== November 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=650 November 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=651 November 2, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=652 November 3, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 3, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new &quot;damn the man&quot; persona!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 4, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you're just trying to play &quot;hard to get&quot;. And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 4, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': But, I'm ALSO creating a shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now?
:'''Utahraptor''': Nope!
:'''T-Rex''': Try harder!
:'''Tooltip''': you're doing it wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=653 November 12, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap! There's a bomb in the comic. If I stop stomping the comic will explode! I must stomp unceasingly or we are all surely doomed!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Isn't that all you ever do anyway?
:'''T-Rex''': I must heroically continue to save us all!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=664 November 17, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
:'''Utahraptor''': That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
:'''T-Rex''': EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
:'''Tooltip''': grant request: DENIED?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=665 November 18, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=666 November 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': RPGs sound like nerd games that nerds play! With - with nerds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 21, 2005''
:'''Devil''': '''I INVITE YOU ALL TO PLAY RPGS WITH ME TONIGHT T-REX'''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not going to Hell just to play RPGS!
:'''Devil''': '''I PROMISE ONLY FLAVOURED CHIPS AND HIGH ADVENTURE'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=667 November 22, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': What? No, I wouldn't think of doing that. I'm not trying to set up a Walt Disney-esque scheme for tax sheltered reanimation here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! Man! Friggin' events!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': you may quite reasonably inquire as to how, exactly, one might set up a charitable organization by accident. the answer, is, of course, &quot;by accident&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=668 November 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor's started his own charity dedicated towards reanimating his body when he dies. What a copycat! It's MY idea, even if I did do it just by accident. Now it's like a bizarre arms race, seeing who can reanimate their dead body first. It's dumb. And yet, I'm totally going to win!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Because that's what my charity was looking into: reanimating long-dead corpses! We was gonna make zombies. We - we was being straight out socially irresponsible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': this comic applies to my own life in several important ways

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=669 November 24, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around?
:'''Utahraptor''': The best ones do!
:'''T-Rex''': Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A few ended in broken marriages! What is this emotion called 'regret'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so FAMILIAR?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=670 November 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone loves orange juice! Well, except for people who have cuts on their lips, but they've made their choice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=671 November 29, 2005]''
:'''Utahraptor''': We've built a whole system around ethics, and you're questioning its foundation!
:'''T-Rex''': That's right, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''T-Rex''': A better understanding of ethics? Plus the ability to not feel bad for accidentally &quot;murdering&quot; your friends who shoot down your ideas. I MEAN...OOPS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=672 November 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say &quot;Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 30, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': I will call my house, &quot;The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done&quot;.

=== December 2005 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=673 December 1, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Just curious! I've never done any, but some of my friends have. They say - they say it's pretty alright? Then they rub their faces on the carpet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 1, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i am maybe a little interested just in rubbing my face on the carpet

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=674 December 2, 2005]''
:'''Morris''': oh t-rex it really was a challenge for me today.  but, you can - my name is morris, if you wanted to call me that.  morris the bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=675 December 5, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says &quot;exploded&quot; or &quot;drowned&quot; or &quot;poisoned apple&quot; and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': This machine delights in ironically vague deaths.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 5, 2005'' 
:'''T-Rex''': It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say &quot;made into delicious cheeseburger&quot;. Not that the cows could understand! Friggin' cheeseburgers!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=676 December 6, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I think it would be great to have my [[last words]] planned out in advance. They'd have to be really memorable, so that people would keep talking about them, and by extension me! Unfortunately, all the good ones are taken. Sucks to THAT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=677 December 7, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Also: learning is not a competition?
:'''Tooltip''': IT IS TODAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=678 December 8, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
:'''Tooltip''': PERSONIFY THE MALL AND JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME OKAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 8, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i bought a burger and it had no toppings.  no toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=679 December 12, 2005]''
:'''Tooltip''': how many times will you hear the phrase 'fetishistic cultural interest' today? well, that really depends on which circles you run in, i'd imagine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=681 December 14, 2005]''
:'''Racoons and Cephalopods''': ''ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER HA HA HA WHAT ARE THE ODDS''
:'''Tooltip''': what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=682 December 15, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? E-except for racists.
:'''Tooltip''': FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
:'''Subject''': epilogue: for the rest of t-rex's life, this problem never actually comes up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=683 December 19, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! You owe me ten sub sandwiches, and I'm calling in the debt.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't owe you ten sub sandwiches! Why the heck would I ever owe you ten sub sandwiches?
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME, and I remember this quite clearly, you bet me ten sub sandwiches over something and it was basically pretty clear that you lost.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': God, you owe me several sub-themed items too!
:'''God''': HOLY SHIT WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 19, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex has gotten the idea that what debt collection agencies do is &quot;try to get people to buy them a big ol' lunch&quot;, which, when you think about it, isn't actually what they do at all. let's be serious about this, t-rex. come on.
:'''Subject''': I'M more of a one-man 'chatting people up at the debt collection agency' agency

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=684 December 20, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression!  'That dude just fell down the stairs!  Holy smokes!'  It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of 'holy cow' because nobody says 'holy smokes' anymore.  It is forgotten.  It is UNDISCOVERED.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 20, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the alternate ending has t-rex in panel 5 asking utahraptor to tell him something exciting so he can use the expression, and utahraptor says he was at a party last night where some people where doing cocaine in the corner, and t-rex really doesn't know what to say to that.  he imagines he would feel uncomfortable in such a situation, but would try to pretend like he was cool with it, like he didn't even care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=685 December 21, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, robots. So awesome! What other literary construct allows us to discuss the disparate issues of slavery, prejudice, identity, the body AND the self, while also allowing for all the trappings of a science fiction setting? Only robots, my friends! I would seriously marry robots if it were even possible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 21, 2005''
:'''Tooltip''': the only way to defeat these robot clones will be to trap them in a logical contradiction, which, as robots, they are supremely under-equipped to handle.  it's like what happens if you ask a regular person to assemble a car out of its constituent parts.  they just fall to the ground, twitching!  we're really from two different worlds, i think.
:'''Subject''': ATTENTION ROBOTS THAT BUILD CARS: what the hell

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=686 December 23, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet!  I AM SO POOCHED!  I am the worst friend in the world. This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 23, 2005''
:'''Subject''': so wait wait is everyone a sinister robot clone in this comic or what

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=687 December 26, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have made a very important New Year's Resolution!  It's to make sure that my name becomes an EPONYMOUS ADJECTIVE.  People will soon all describe things as 'T-Rexian'!  What sort of things? Awesome things, natch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': Had I finally and irrevocably 'blown it' with my own name? Had my father's famed and final prediction come, at last, to pass? Daaaaaang!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex's father is an enigma dipped in a few crazysauce predictions

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 26, 2005''
:'''Subject''': i was gonna complain about it not being new year's day in real life when it's new year's day in the comic, but then i was like, dude those dinosaurs are TALKING

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=688 December 28, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)!  What should it be named? MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Utahraptor''': How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named &quot;Cheeseball&quot; and &quot;Chuggy G&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 28, 2005''
:'''Subject''': YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS RYAN WHY ARE YOU STILL SUPPORTING THE HETERO-NORMATIVE OWNERSHIP PARADIGM

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=689 December 29, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay okay SO - am I making the best use of my time?  Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, 'PERHAPS NOT'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 29, 2005''
:'''T-Rex''': UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!!
:'''Tooltip''': guys i am seriously so sick of gardens of regret right now
:'''Subject''': ryan: a guy who is doing comics right now when he probably should be having a shower and putting on pants?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=690 December 30, 2005]''
:'''T-Rex''': Well! I for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of the future?
:'''Tooltip''': i for one would like to register disappointment with every aspect of these discount oven fries?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 30, 2005''
:'''Subject''': clearly t-rex told utahraptor about the wish to see the future in timeline a, which was distorted into timeline b by the introduction of the vision of tomorrow in panel 4, oh yes.

== 2006 ==

=== January 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=691 January 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': To begin: my stomping on this manner is a sorted little affair! Take soulless in the fact that at leased ewe are knot being chaste as well!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Why don't you chews to do something else? That would be goo gnus to me!
:'''T-Rex''': I will here nun of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': IN TWO THOUSAND AND SIX, PEOPLE WILL JUST TELL EACH OTHER WHEN JOKES ARE AWESOME
:'''Subject''': in 2006, 'punchlines' are replaced with 'needless narrative closure'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=692 January 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's it - I'll sell naked pictures of myself online! For PROFITS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': SCIENCE CORNER: Do anti-dollars really mutually annihilate when combined with regular dollars? Science says, 'yes!'
:'''Tooltip''': EINSTEIN PREDICTED THE EXISTENCE OF ANTI-DOLLARS IN A LITTLE-KNOWN PAPER IN 1945! IT WAS OVERSHADOWED BY ATOMIC BOMB FEVER
:'''Subject''': how can you have a science corner without professor science ryan, THE ANSWER IS YOU CAN'T

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=693 January 5, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': But 'begging the question' is mostly used today to mean 'raising the question'!
:'''T-Rex''': I know!  IT'S SO WRONG.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, I suppose that begs the question, T-Rex: if it's used more often to mean 'raises the question' than 'a fallacy of presumption', doesn't that suggest that the definition of the phrase has evolved?
:'''T-Rex''': NO IT DOES NOT.  What it suggests is that everybody sucks but me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=694 January 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh goodness, I am so thirsty.  My thirst is - exquisite.  Sublime.  Immaculate.
:'''God''': GET A DRINK T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': Nopers! I would much rather consider the precise nature of my thirst.  It's - strong!  Insistent.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 6, 2006''
:'''Narration''': LATER, PERFORMING AID AND SANITATION WORK IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA:
:'''T-Rex''': Man!  EVERYONE has better reasons for being here than me!
:'''Tooltip''': everyone else is all 'oh i felt like i could really make a difference here' and t-rex is all 'well, uh, i wanted to show up my friend?  he's a utahraptor'
:'''Subject''': RYAN ARE YOU BEING PREACHY OR ARE YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WATER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=695 January 10, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! Much like... most things?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me.  Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided??
:'''Utah raptor''': I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Man!!  Don't leave me hangin'!
:'''Tooltip''': later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 10, 2006''
:'''Subject''': t-rex probably says 'most religions' in panel 3 in case there ARE some religions that are all about just going through the motions; religions which he is, as yet, unaware of.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=696 January 11, 2006]''
:'''God''': HEY T-REX SETTLE A BET WHAT ONE CHANGE WOULD YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF IF YOU COULD
:'''T-Rex''': Raising one eyebrow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 11, 2006''
:'''God''': OKAY WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I LOST BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO ASK TO BE PURPLE
:'''T-Rex''': Why?!  Purple doesn't rhyme with 'machine'.
:'''God''': YEAH ANYWAY NOW I'M DOWN A TRILLION LIFETIMES OF FRIED CHICKEN THANKS T-REX YOU AND YOUR FRIGGIN EYEBROWS
:'''Tooltip''': the implication is that 'green' does rhyme with 'machine' and that t-rex calls himself the 'green machine' OKAY
:'''Subject''': in heaven the standard bet IS a trillion times the amount of fried chicken an average dude would eat in his lifetime

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=697 January 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers?  This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 12, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body &gt;:|

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=698 January 13, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world?  I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. T-Rex says, 'probably not!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=699 January 16, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I wish for more wishes!
:'''T-Rex''': Oh man, ouch!  Shot down!  Looks like no wishes for you!
:'''Utahraptor''': This sucks!
:'''T-Rex''': Should've wished for ice cream, my friend!
:'''Tooltip''': really, it's unfair that utahraptor's plan didn't work, because more wishes is a very reasonable thing to ask for.  a lot of problems could be solved with more wishes.
:'''Subject''': i wish for less people stealing my friggin' fries at lunch

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=700 January 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, it's true!  If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=701 January 18, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dating both twin sisters at the same time: Hot? Or just,in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? I'm afraid that I fall on the 'kind of weird' side of the fence this time. While I'm usually strongly in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=702 January 19, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex.  Bad things happen to people you like.
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I know!  I know.  I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Does it?
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah.  I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it.
:'''T-Rex''': Hah!  I SURE have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 19, 2006''
:'''Narration''': EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY:
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! Alright!
:'''Tooltip''': if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=703 January 23, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want.  It's majority rule!  MOB rule!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex.  Not everyone can get everything they want!
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah, but what if the majority decided to be totally racist against you?  You're pooched!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 23, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Right!  Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimes like to sleep in on weekends.
:'''Utahraptor''': Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': Really?  Are you serious?? Have all my years of sleepy shame been for naught?
:'''Tooltip''': blinking in the afternoon sunlight, already fabricating the first lies of morning productivity
:'''Subject''': from democracy to sleepin' in in six easy panels

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=704 January 24, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': My favourite are the freegans!
:'''T-Rex''': Where you be vegetarian for free?
:'''Utahraptor''': Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production.
:'''T-Rex''': That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 24, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat which I find to be tremendously delicious!
:'''Utahraptor''': I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables!
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Tooltip''': mom, dad, i've got the golly gosh-darned scurvy.
:'''Subject''': there's some resentment there towards a lack of vitamin c and bleeding from the mucous membranes

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=705 January 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! Something like, 'T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)'?
:'''T-Rex''': Man, that's not positive either!
:'''Utahraptor''': How about 'T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!'
:'''T-Rex''': That's even less positive than the first one!!
:'''Utahraptor''': 'T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning'
:'''T-Rex''': No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
:'''Subject''': sex in the city: like waking up each morning to a mouth flooded with ryoma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
'''LATER:'''
:'''Utahraptor''': &quot;T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. Not bad, though!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 25, 2006''
:'''Tooltip''': My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'.  It was very embarrassing to us all.  I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=706 January 26, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': T-Rex, enough!  Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks?
:''T-Rex''': No!  Of course not!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 26, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': LATER: Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing!  I forgive his critical outburst. 'TROUBLE AT HOME??'
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man
:'''Subject''': i've got a terminal case of the rockin' outs AND the rockin' oats :(

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=707 January 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. Smell associations!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 27, 2006''
:'''Narration''': FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL!
:'''T-Rex''': You don' know me!
:'''Tooltip''': based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)
:'''Subject''': actually it's a little how smell association works, except for the cartoon pupils part.  that's only how smell association works in cartoons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=708 January 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service.
:'''Tooltip''': to clarify, t-rex plans to theorize that the people responsible for the postal service built their system such that it would take financial advantage of information-theoretic properties of lossy networks :0
:'''Subject''': dromiceiomimus considered getting involved in this conversation but then she was like hmm, NOPE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=709 January 31, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': IF YOU ARE DISINTERESTED IN HEARING MY TREATISE ON COMPUTER CONTROLLED STORYTELLING I WILL FIND A MORE RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE
:'''T-Rex''': Please do!!
:'''Devil''': BUT I CAUTION YOU I WAS QUITE CLOSE TO REVEALING RARE AND POWERFUL CHEAT CODES
:'''Tooltip''': for instance, in a book if the main character dies you can't go back and re-read the last few pages over and over again for like two hours trying to get him to survive, before finally throwing the book away in disgust because that last page is friggin impossible
:'''Subject''': oh no the devil has a code for god mode!!!

=== February 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=710 February 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey, Dromiceiomimus!  I have a friendship crush on you!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Well, thank you T-Rex.  You're not so bad yourself.
:'''T-Rex''': A friendship crush is where you really like a friend, but it's not necessarily sexual, but everyone makes jokes that it's totally sexual, because you like to hang out all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=711 February 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive.
:'''T-Rex''': Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive.
:'''Utahraptor''': They support the entire food chain!
:'''T-Rex''': BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant.
:'''Utahraptor''': Even sunflowers?  They tilt to follow the sun!
:'''T-Rex''': Don't get me started about sunflowers!  God!  Their salty, boring seeds!
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not telling the truth. in 1998, he was quite impressed with a flower that bloomed only once a year, and that smelled septic while doing so.
:'''Comment''': t-rex approaches plants the way he might approach a new video game console, and finds them lacking in replay value

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And I am not a dude who's gonna say that naturally weaponized flowers aren't cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=712 February 3, 2006]''
:'''God''': HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE STRAWBERRIES T-REX
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know. A lot? They're alright. To - to fully understand my love of strawberries is to fully understand the unblinking eye of madness?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't - he isn't really sure what god wants him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 3, 2006''
:'''Comment''': ryan, i'm a plant and i read your comic yesterday and i got plant-offended

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=713 February 6, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed!
:'''T-Rex''': No, but -But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together?
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out here and entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''February 6, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': What is this emotion called 'criminal negligence'?
:'''Tooltip''': and why is it suddenly so ILLEGAL?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=714 February 7, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating?
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! Man, nevermind!
:'''Tooltip''': haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=717 February 10, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You can't deal with the &quot;issue&quot; of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences!
:'''T-Rex''': True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone!
:'''Utahraptor''': What?
:'''T-Rex''': And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?
:'''Tooltip''': i'm pretty sure that's how it works?
:'''Subject''': ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: everyone spends hours arguing over socialism AND communism AND the definitions of both those terms, and it's boring and stupid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=719 February 14, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': is there a message in my doing a comic about 'singularity' on valentine's day?  that seems like a bit of a stretch!  you are probably overthinking things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness!
'''BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY!'''
:'''T-Rex''': W-... Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=722 February 20, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=723 February 21, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': a tip of the hat to all our brave men and women who have swallowed a lot of orange juice for no reason

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=726 February 24, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I kind of wish my name was a verb too, though, instead of just being a noun. You can't T-Rex something. I've tried. It doesn't work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=727 February 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that?
'''LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS:'''
:'''T-Rex''': She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! Fuck me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And it's why I never call a woman OR a joke &quot;hysterical&quot;. I don't want to be accused of tacitly endorsing historically institutionalized sexism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''T-REX DECIDES TO EXCISE THE &quot;HYSTERA&quot; ROOT ENTIRELY FROM HIS VOCABULARY, JUST TO BE SAFE:'''
:'''T-Rex''': So I hear you're having a minuswomb operation?
:'''Off-Frame:''' Excuse me? I'm having a hysterectomy.
:'''T-Rex:''' Yes! A &quot;uter-b-gone&quot;. - A womboval?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=728 February 28, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i am popular at the parties of strangers

=== March 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': And why is everyone acting like I can suddenly control time just because I gave myself a sweet superhero name? It's surreal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=730 March 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': that's right marvel and dc! i hear your joint trademark on the word 'superhero' and i call SHENANIGANS.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love!
:'''T-Rex''': You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR.
:'''Utahraptor''': I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding &quot;the one&quot; that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being so &quot;madly in love&quot; with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
:'''T-Rex''': A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION?
:'''Utahraptor''': You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=733 March 8, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': it's like saying 'aunt flo' is visiting, only instead you hollah that mc masturbation is in the HOUSE

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=739 March 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! - I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. - IT'S A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=744 March 27, 2006]''
:'''LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION.'''
:'''T-Rex''': Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens?
:'''Tooltip''': arguably, our nation's finest natural resource?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=745 March 28, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i am britishfolk and 'nappy' means 'diaper' to me, so this comic is very confusing and maybe a little perverted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=746 March 29, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dear audio diary: today I may have accidentally registered myself as a sex offender! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

=== April 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': So they're shaped like naughty bits?
:'''T-Rex''': No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=756 April 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': They're animal crackers for the new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own preferred gender roll! It's brilliant!
:'''Utahraptor''': Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll?
:'''T-Rex''': They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=763 April 26, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ACCIDENT ONE: slapped someone right in the face! Kapow!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': How was that an accident?
:'''T-Rex''': I didn't see them there, that's all!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': And - what? You were just slapping the space around you to pass the time?
:'''T-Rex''': WHO CAN SAY? All we really know for sure is that it was DEFINITELY an accident.

=== May 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': You're always all, &quot;Feelings are boring. Kissing is awesome!&quot; You should make yourself a shirt that says that and wear it all the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=765 May 1, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': that's right, 'memorable lovemaking techniqueS'.  it's plural now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=766 May 2, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living!
:'''T-Rex''': Yep!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=767 May 3, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 4, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i have this argument with my friends where i tell them i believe 'totally make out' means having sex, and they're all, no ryan, it just means making out to the EXTREME, and i say, what's more EXTREME than having sex, and anyway, cool story huh

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=768 May 15, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I think you might be doing something wrong if your kisses remind people of amniotic fluid, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': Perhaps! But that is a topic for ANOTHER TIME.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=777 May 18, 2006]''
:'''Subject''': is utahraptor's favourite song really 'all the things she said' by tatu?  it is an easy guess to make because secretly that is everyone's favourite song.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=780 May 24, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme.  you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=781 May 25, 2006]''
'''MEANWHILE, IN DREAMLAND!'''
:'''T-Rex''': Professor, there must be SOMETHING I can do to convince you to take this assignment...
:'''Off-Frame''': This dream has taken a turn for the sexy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=783 May 29, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': there is an embedded midi file of the ghostbusters theme song on endless loop.  ARGUABLY, such a feature should be included on every website.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=784 May 30, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like?
:'''T-Rex''': Yeah! But &quot;regret index&quot; makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode!
:'''Utahraptor''': I know I am.
:'''T-Rex''': I, too, remain fully satisfied.

=== June 2006 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=787 June 5, 2006]''
:'''LATER, T-REX IS TRYING TO DISCOVER ESSENTIAL TRUTHS AND IT'S SO HARD:''':
:'''T-Rex''': Man, forget this! I take back some of the things I said about civilization!
:'''Tooltip''': this one goes out to all the brothers who have taken back some of the things they've said about civilization

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=788 June 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe it's universally true that everyone likes... to party?
:'''Cephalopods''': ''WE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY T-REX''
:'''T-Rex''': Good God! What are you cephalopods doing in my bedroom??
:'''Cephalopods''': ''CHILLAXING''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=791 June 13 2006]''
:'''Subject''': i would also have accepted 't-rex has an ape / let's see what happens'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=801 June 29 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a short SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label &quot;breakfast pleasure&quot;.
:'''T-Rex''': Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
:'''Utahraptor''': I know, T-Rex.
:'''T-Rex''': I'm not entirely certain that you do!
:'''Tooltip''': dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know

=== July 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=804 July 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Aww! That is me! I talk as if nobody's listening, I dance as if nobody's watching, and I eat as if nobody's hungry.
:'''Utahraptor''': That last one is a BIT less attractive.
:'''T-Rex''': I also vacuum as if nobody's going to get their carpets any cleaner.
:'''T-Rex''': Daaaamn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=813 July 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet!
:'''T-Rex''': That's a horrific idea!
:'''T-Rex''': What is wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=816 July 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': ONE TIME I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was replace every instance of the word &quot;evil&quot; with the phrase &quot;Irish evil&quot;!
:'''T-Rex''': Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;COWABUNGA&quot;: ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE'''
:'''T-Rex''': So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
:'''Utahraptor''': In the first formulation, yeah.
:'''T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=817 July 26, 2006]''
:'''WHEN TO USE &quot;I LOVE YOU&quot;: ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM'''
:'''T-Rex''': I love you!
:'''T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!'''

=== August 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=820 August 1, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't know- littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale.
:'''Utahraptor''': And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=824 August 8, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hey everyone! Stop saying &quot;bitches&quot; so much!
:'''T-Rex''': There are other words than &quot;bitches&quot;! Daaamn!
:'''T-Rex''': These words include such fine examples as &quot;fellows&quot;, &quot;gravy&quot;, and &quot;Monterey Jack&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Are we to use those words in place of &quot;bitches&quot;?
:'''T-Rex''': Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying &quot;Hey! Get off my back, bitches!&quot; I can NOW say &quot;Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack!&quot;
:'''Utahraptor''': That one only works because it rhymes!!
:'''T-Rex''': Says you, gravy!
:'''Utahraptor''': See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy.
:'''T-Rex''': I do want gravy.
:'''Utahraptor''': Alright.
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't have any.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=828 August 15, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either!
:'''Utahraptor''': Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible!
:'''Captain Suggestible''': Guys! I'm right here!
:'''T-Rex''': I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard.
:'''Captain Suggestible''': I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=830 August 17, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': God, give me fifty dollars!
:'''God''': '''DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=837 August 30, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation.
:'''Utahraptor''': Well- you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory.
:'''LATER!'''
:'''God''': '''T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY'''
:'''T-Rex''': Utahraptor says I don't!
:'''God''': '''AWWWWW SHOOT'''

=== September 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=839 September 1, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Well, you could always have kids by donating sperm!
:'''T-Rex''': That is technically true!
:'''T-Rex''': However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies.
:'''Utahraptor''': So you suspect-
:'''T-Rex''': Yes. I suspect that, without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=841 September 6, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing planet and then tour the facilities! You could be all, &quot;Sorry, potential lifemate!! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=842 September 8, 2006]''
:'''Cashier''': Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
:'''T-Rex''': Aw snapadoodle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 8, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
:'''T-Rex''': I blame the Colonel Sanders!
:'''God''': '''COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST'''
:'''T-Rex''': Well good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=843 September 11, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Controversy Monday is when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion!
:'''God''': '''YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD'''
:'''T-Rex''': Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible?
:'''God''': '''UM NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 11, 2006''
:'''Utahraptor''': Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie, whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all!
:'''T-Rex''': TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born...
:'''T-Rex''': ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries!
:'''Utahraptor''': I was just preparing for Controversy Monday!
:'''T-Rex''': YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=848 September 19, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': There! My costume looks like a failed corpse that still makes a blasphemous claim to life. Thanks, Uncanny Valley!
:'''Uncanny Valley''': No problem, T-Rex!
:'''T-Rex''': It's so upsetting that you got personified, Uncanny Valley.
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex isn't trying to be rude, it's just - it's so upsetting that the uncanny valley got personified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=850 September 21, 2006]''
:'''Devil''': '''MMM T-REX I'VE NOT YET EXPERIENCED A NON-VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP AND WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE LIKE'''
:'''T-Rex''': In one sentence starting with &quot;Dude&quot;?
:'''Devil''': '''FINE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, road trips rule!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''September 21, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': I vote we trip to: Brazil!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's pretty far. How about someplace closer?
:'''T-Rex''': THE ISLAND CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA??
:'''Utahraptor''': We'd need a car that works on water for that.
:'''T-Rex''': Okay! But Utahraptor, what's that across the street? A car that works on water??
:'''Jacques Esqueleto''': aw come on you guys it's mine
:'''T-Rex''': Jacques Esqueleto!! I thought I made you up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=852 September 27, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I don't understand how people could have seriously thought that the world was flat. Did they have a case of the crazies?
:'''T-Rex''': DID THEY??
:'''T-Rex''': Because if you accept the world is a finite plane, then it's got limits, and what's at the edge of those limits? A vertical wall that goes down a few kilometres, and then what? Tree roots? Upside-down land? A place where owls rule the world like they don't even care?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=853 September 28, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
:'''T-Rex''': The way you say it- is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
:'''Utahraptor''': Not to my knowledge!
:'''T-Rex''': Dude, we have to start it!
:'''T-Rex''': Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!

=== October 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=856 October 3, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like- instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video!
:'''T-Rex''': That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards (&quot;DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD&quot;) but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have?
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=861 October 11, 2006]''
:'''Tooltip''': i may just have to sit down and write 'Dudes!  Lesbians!  Guess What?  Here is How to Get Women to Like You'.  it is a great title for a book because it appeals to both dudes AND lesbians.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=862 October 12, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': What's terrible? I'm just propagating the stereotype that all men want is sex and that if you want to attract one, then you should have sex with him as soon as possible, and he'll be yours for as long as you keep trading sex for intimac- Wait, that is terrible.
:'''Utahraptor''': Uh-huh!
:'''T-Rex''': ATTENTION, all heterosexual chicks and gay dudes! Don't listen to me!
:'''Heterosexual Chicks and Gay Dudes''': It's too late, T-Rex! We're going to have sex with men RIGHT NOW!!
:'''T-Rex''': SERIOUSLY??
:'''Tooltip''': c-can you tell them that - that t-rex sent you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=864 October 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': I got a letter from an anonymous dude, and he said I exclaimed too much. So, here we are.
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, you've got to keep exclaiming! Exclaiming is who you are!
:'''T-Rex''': I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising.
:'''Utahraptor''': Really! Well, have you ever seen a Utahraptor... PUT HIS ENTIRE FIST IN HIS MOUTH??
:'''T-Rex''': SURE HAVEN'T!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=868 October 20, 2006]''
:'''PLAN OMEGA:'''
:'''T-Rex''': Hi we're T-Rex and Utahraptor and we'll be performing &quot;Push It&quot; by Salt-N-Pepa in the original French.
:'''Utahraptor''': Cette danse n'est pas pour tout le monde, c'est SEULEMENT pour les personnes sexuelles.
:'''T-Rex''': Poussez-le bon!
:'''Utahraptor''': Poussez-le VRAIMENT bon!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=870 October 25, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': In the past I have called my first &quot;Knuckles and Chuckles&quot;, and then later upgraded to the truly compelling &quot;Rocco and Choco, the Twins! Who! Punch!&quot; but now I have an even better nickname!
:'''T-Rex''': The CHINESE BUFFET!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''October 25, 2006''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': God! Can you make me Chinese so that my fist nickname makes sense?
:'''God''': '''ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO PUNCH A GUY INTO THE OCEAN AND SAY THAT THE BUFFET WATER IS ON THE HOUSE'''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh that is so a deal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=874 October 31, 2006]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Hey, have you noticed, T-Rex, how all of the women's costumes for sale seem to have added the word &quot;sexy&quot; in front of them? I can't buy a pirate costume; the only ones for sale are &quot;sexy pirates&quot;! And heaven help me if I wanted to go as a nurse.
:'''T-Rex''': It's true! The only nurse costumes for sale are from Sexy Hospital, MD!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': The hospital is a medical doctor?
:'''T-Rex''': They're that sexy.
:'''Tooltip''': remember, t-rex's costume this year is the uncanny valley!  he had to make the costume himself because at the store all they had was sexy uncanny valley.

=== November 2006 ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=882 November 14, 2006]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
:'''God''': '''GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION'''
:'''T-Rex''': What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
:'''God''': '''I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH'''
:'''God''': '''DANG'''
:'''God''': '''THAT'S GOOD TOO'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=884 November 16, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase?
:'''T-Rex''': Sources say: &quot;DAMN girl, sure is!&quot;
:'''T-Rex''': That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! &quot;Let's get remarkably frisky&quot; (useful in many situations), &quot;That's gobbles!&quot; (meaning &quot;that's crazy!&quot;, short for 'gobbledygook'), and &quot;I lose at sex&quot;.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.
:'''T-Rex''': You can use &quot;I lose at sex&quot; for when you lose at sex.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Um.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000888.html November 22, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up?
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''PENETRATION''
:'''LATER:'''
:'''T-Rex''': And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbors were all &quot;penetration&quot; and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''November 22, 2006''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION.''
:'''T-Rex''': No thanks! I am busy with non-disgusting activities!
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''BUT IT'S CALLED &quot;THE WIDOWMAKER&quot;, T-REX''
:'''Raccoons and Cephalopods''': ''WE NEED YOUR TORSO?''
:'''Tooltip''': they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

=== December 2006 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=894 December 4, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Write down in detail the precise steps each person took and let me generalize across the set.  I want an algorithm for enlightenment!  A checklist for nirvana!
:'''Utahraptor''': You - you want religious practices to be subject to the scientific method?
:'''T-Rex''': Yes please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, Buddhist monks?  I'm gonna owe God fifty bucks if I don't get enlightened soon.
:'''Buddhist monks''': Dude!  We get that ALL THE TIME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''December 4, 2006''
:'''Comment''': the first version of this comic that went up had a typo where instead of betting t-rex fifty bucks that *he* can't achieve enlightenment, god dropped the 'you' and instead said 'HEY T-REX I BET YOU FIFTY BUCKS CAN'T ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT', which made the whole comic hella more surreal

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=895 December 5, 2006]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, today truly has been a day of frustrated expectations!
:'''Tooltip''': it's the last thing i whisper to myself each night

== 2007 ==

=== January 2007 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=910 January 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
:'''Comment''': i'm terrified of catching a genetic disease, also, learning about medicine

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=911 January 3, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! Dromiceiomimus, do YOU have smoochitis?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I don't know, T-Rex!  I might!
:'''T-Rex''': We should smooch to make extra sure!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 3, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING.  Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck.  And buttocks?
:'''Utahraptor''': I know how smoochitis develops, yeah.
:'''T-Rex''': It's my SPECIALITY, baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=912 January 4, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I am getting old!  WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 4, 2007''
:'''Utahraptor''': Hah!  You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe!  I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind?  I don't know.  I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before!
:'''Tooltip''': add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=913 January 5, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Sweet!  Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right?  Only one day he gains SUPER POWERS.  And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, and he gains those qualities!  So say a decision has to be made: he writes 'decisive' on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes Decisive Lee!  He then has the power to do things decisively.  SUPER decisively!
:'''Tooltip''': fly, no - but he can cram index cards into his head!
:'''Comment''': inappropriate lee, no!  put your pants back on!

=== February 2007 ===

=== March 2007 ===
:''[http://qwantz.com/archive/000955.html March 14, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!

=== April 2007 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=977 April 18, 2007]''
:'''Title''': magic realism is where you tell a realistic story but then have the characters turn each other into frogs for a bit.  depressive realism is different.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I think some people just like the idea that depression might be an advantage!
:'''Utharaptor''': ESPECIALLY depressed people.
:'''T-Rex''': But not TOO much, because then they wouldn't be depressed anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 18, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Excuse me, sir, you look depressed!  Would you say you have a more accurate view of the world?
:'''Man''': I'm not depressed!  I'm just eating a sandwich.
:'''T-Rex''': A sandwich... made out of your own tears??
:'''Man''': HOW DID YOU KNOW
:'''Tooltip''': THE FACT THAT YOU COULD EASILY IDENTIFY THE INGREDIENTS OF MY SANDWICH NOW ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME MORE DEPRESSED
:'''Subject''': depressed people maybe if you ate less TEAR SANDWICHES things would start lookin up!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=978 April 19, 2007]''
:'''Title''': it's a quiet &quot;woo&quot; because any larger and you'd all be overcome with the soul-felt emotion!  do not aim comic directly at face.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, okay, check this out, Dromiceiomimus: 'You are so beautiful to me, and I want to tell you just how much I love you / I was born to love you / Let's never stop falling in love / Love hurts / But / I would do anything for love'.
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Those are all plagiarized song lyrics!  Except for 'but', but there's probably a song called 'But'.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 19, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, I'm trying really hard this time. 'Baby! / I love you / And if you don't believe that / then What The Hell' Man! Even I'D dump me right now!
:'''Tooltip''': it's sort of the opposite of &quot;if this isn't nice, what is?&quot;.  whenever you find yourself doing something particularly unattractive, take a moment to notice it and say, &quot;man!  even I'D dump me right now!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=979 April 20, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, so I can't write love poetry.  That's fine.  There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me.  But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! I will call it, 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!'
:'''Title''': followed up by t-rex's &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Cat Who Ate a Person&quot;, and the more educational &quot;Sherlock Holmes and the Case of The Troposphere Is Where Weather Exists.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 20, 2007''
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes!  I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story!
:'''T-Rex''': Sherlock Holmes!!  Can you describe me as 'the Napoleon of RHYME'?
:'''Sherlock Holmes''': I can but try!
:'''Tooltip''': see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six?  that's RIGHT.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=980 April 23, 2007]''
:'''God''': SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND 'JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET'
:'''T-Rex''': i thought maybe it could be me

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 23, 2007''
:'''Subject''': i don't know about you but i make a yes/no decision every second or so.  ''SHOULD I KEEP ON BREATHING?  I'D BETTER ASK MY LUNGS'' and then my lungs say ''HELLS YES WE LOVE THAT STUFF'' so here we are, ryan

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=981 April 24, 2007]''
:'''Utahraptor''': Man, what do you have against horses?
:'''T-Rex''': NOTHING!  I like horses!  Some of my best friends are horses.  That's why I can make horse jokes!  They know I'm just kidding.  They know that when I say 'why the long face' I don't actually think all horses have long faces.
:'''Utahraptor''': They do though.
:'''T-Rex''': Shh!  We're not supposed to notice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=982 April 25, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': (T-Rex!  What if, INSTEAD of dealing with this, you simply bought new carpets after he left?  Yes!  You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!) (Wow!  No wonder people like capitalism so much!!)
:'''Subject''': wow!  i am finally seeing what the great shakes are about capitalism!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=983 April 26, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story!  It happens whenever a character announces 'BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!' just before he gets blown up! In an EXPLOSION!
:'''Tooltip''': T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading.  Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page!  It was a pretty awesome book, you guys

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 26, 2007''
:'''Narrator''': MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman DEFINITELY blasting into space?
:'''Shakespeare''': i dunno... yes?
:'''T-Rex''': Shakespeare!  The correct answer is 'no!' Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
:'''Subject''': shakespeare!  put on some damned pants!  it's three in the afternoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=984 April 27, 2007]''
:'''God''': HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX 
:'''T-Rex''': Oh wow!  I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!!
:'''God''': UH
:'''T-Rex''': DO IT RIGHT NOW
:'''Tooltip''': it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life.  t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=985 April 30, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''April 30, 2007''
:'''Tooltip''': t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels.  come on, t-rex!  nobody likes speakerphone.  i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'

=== May 2007 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=986 May 1, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': [[Futurism]] was an art movement where dudes were all 'CARS ARE COOL AND THE PAST IS FOR CHUMPS.  LET'S DRAW SOME CARS.'
:'''Subject''': cars were new at the time and futurists were big into paintings of cars.  also, stories where there's cars
:'''T-Rex''': But they also extended beyond art, to food!  Futurists had a MANIFESTO for food.  It banned the knife and fork AND pasta, AND told people that sardines and pineapples together were tasty times!  They banned pasta because it caused skepticism?
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': Was the food good?
:'''T-Rex''': Maybe?  But it wasn't very popular.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 1, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': They didn't want to have to eat their food under UV lamps which 'activated' it, nor did they want to give up pasta.  It's crazy!  The movement started in Italy, and I believe people canonically eat pasta there all the time!  Like, even for breakfast?
:'''Utahraptor''': I believe that to be Italian Canon, yes.
:'''T-Rex''': I got my ideas about Italy from cartoons!  
:'''Utahraptor''': I got mine from boxes of pasta!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=987 May 2, 2007]''
:'''T-Rex''': Hallowe'en is coming up!  Soon!  Soonish, anyway.  Hallowe'en is coming up in several months.  I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess.  Anyway.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''May 2, 2007''
:'''T-Rex''': I'm writing a Hallowe'en story!  A spooky story called 'The Haunted Nun Who DIES!'
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
:'''T-Rex''': No no, the ghost haunts her.  Like a house?  And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts.  This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.

=== June 2007 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001007.html June 4, 2007]''
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: &quot;ice wants to float&quot;, and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? 
:'''T-Rex''': OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off! Hah, looks like you pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!

=== July 2007 ===

=== August 2007 ===

=== September 2007 ===

=== October 2007 ===

=== November 2007 ===

=== December 2007 ===

== 2009 ==

=== January 2009 ===
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 January 2, 2009]''
:'''Title''': if i eat the flesh of my enemies, can i turn them into my brains, and thus have their OWN BODY think my thoughts, and those thoughts will be &quot;ha ha ha AWESOME&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 January 5, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': I found out about the best word yesterday: &quot;frigorific&quot;! It means &quot;cold&quot;. With this word I can finally say the sentence, &quot;DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!&quot; I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 5, 2009''
:'''Tooltip''': &quot;Frigorific&quot;! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

=== August 2009 === 
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 August 10, 2009]''
:'''T-Rex''': Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations!

== 2010 ==

=== April 2010 === 

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1697 April 20, 2010]''
:'''Subject''': keep in mind that mary is a dinosaur, making her a future dinosaur astronaut.  also let's say she's got a jetpack and that i'm pretty sure it lets her jetpack through time.

== 2012 ==

=== January 2012 ===

:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2112 January 2, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Dromiceiomimus! I predict that this year there will be some hugs! And some jerks on the news! Dromiceiomimus! You should probably invite us in, this next prediction is NC-17

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2113 January 3, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Last year some folks made some friggin' mistakes! This year, I'm going to make exactly zero mistakes. And this year starts... several days ago! Attention world! It is now LITERALLY IMPPOSSIBLE for me to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2115 January 5, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Oh snap! Someone's brain is squeezing for a teasing! It must be BRAIN TEASER THURSDAY

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2117 January 7, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': All this time and we're still dealing with this crap? How come we haven't found a reliable, scalable, and repeatable way to build a civilization without LITERALLY MURDERING each other yet? If I were putting down design requirements for a civ I'd put &quot;structured such that nobody gets murdered&quot; pretty near the top of the list!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''January 7, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': Sometimes I think it's crazy that we haven't colonized other planets yet! Other days I think maybe, JUST MAYBE, the rest of the universe will get by just fine even if we don't bring our murdery ways to it. Anyway, wow, yay, go us

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2119 January 9, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever!
:'''God''': '''BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT'''
:'''T-Rex''': Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him...SIR.

:''January 9, 2012''
:'''T-Rex''': &quot;Come here, Sir!&quot; you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2120 January 10, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': WHEN I REPLAY THIS CONVERSATION IN MY DREAMS, INSTEAD OF &quot;PATHETIC&quot; I'M GOING TO SAY &quot;SUPER AWESOME. AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW YOU WANT TO DATE ME BUT REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO DATE ME TOO. IT'S MY BURDEN TO BEAR AND I SHOULDER IT GLADLY.&quot; THEN I'M GONNA FLEX, JUST YOU WAIT

&lt;Hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2121 January 11, 2012]''
:'''tooltip''': a twitter account that's just random song lyrics followed by an all-caps &quot;PLEASE RT&quot;: file that under Things I Would Follow 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2122 January 12, 2012]''
:'''T-Rex''': Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook!

== 2022 ==

=== July 2022 ===
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3928 July 28, 2022]''
:'''Banner''': Science: super easy
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': I feel like your banner is misleading.
:'''T-Rex''': Not if you don't allow followup questions it's not!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3930 July 30, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': What idiot named it the &quot;International Tennis Federation Internal Adjudication Panel&quot;...and not TENNIS COURT?? 
:'''Narration''': the end

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3931 July 31, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': I've written a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!
:'''Utahraptor''': That's not quite accurate.
:'''T-Rex''': I've summarized the gist of a TON of Sherlock Holmes stories!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''July 31, 2022''
:'''Tooltip''': me, on my deathbed: &quot;waugh! everybody cheated&quot;

=== August 2022 ===

:''[https://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3932 August 1, 2022]''
:'''T-Rex''': Yes, the future truly is a place of wonder and maybe hellish dystopia! It's impossible to say till we get there!
:'''Dromiceiomimus''': IF we get there!
:'''T-Rex''': WHAT

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.qwantz.com Dinosaur Comics]
* [http://web.archive.org/web/20131103181454/http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/3101 Greasemonkey Script that displays the three usual easter eggs]
* [http://adamv.com/dev/grease/scripts/comicalt.user.js Greasemonkey Script to make the tool-tip visible in-page]

[[Category:Webcomics]]</text>
      <sha1>okb8yuld1lg6yv0tkbj8gv7qe449eqh</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>DuckTales (1987 TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>10423</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150462</id>
      <parentid>3127395</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:44:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Crouchbk</username>
        <id>91218</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Part III: Aqua Ducks */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="47370" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[file:DuckTales TV logo.svg|200px|right|]]
'''''[[w:DuckTales|DuckTales]]''''' (1987–1990) is an animated series produced by The Walt Disney Company based on Carl Barks' Uncle Scrooge comic book series about the adventures of [[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]] and his three grandnephews, [[w:Huey, Dewey, and Louie|Huey, Dewey, and Louie]]. 

==Seasons==
* [[DuckTales (1987 TV series)/Season 1|1]]
* [[DuckTales (1987 TV series)/Season 2|2]]
* [[DuckTales (1987 TV series)/Season 3|3]]
* [[DuckTales (1987 TV series)/Season 4|4]]

== Season 1 ==

=== [1–5] Treasure of the Golden Suns ===
==== Part I: Don't Give Up The Ship ====

:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': Now, while I'm in the Navy, boys, you mind your Uncle Scrooge.
:'''Huey''': But he's so cheap!
:'''Donald''': Yeah. But he's family. Okay, Huey?
:'''Huey''': Yes, Uncle Donald.
:'''Donald''': No back talk, Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': No, Uncle Donald.
:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': Louie, be good. And no spitballs.
:'''Louie''': Uh, yes and no, Uncle Donald.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Donald, you can't be serious about this crazy idea. There's no profit in it.
:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': But I've already enlisted, Uncle Scrooge. I wanna see the world!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': So I'll buy you a globe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[The Beagle Boys have followed the nephews to Scrooge's candy factory.]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You boys get out of here. I'll handle this.
:'''Huey''': ''[turning and saluting]'' No sir, Uncle Scrooge!
:'''Dewey''': ''[saluting]'' We're all in this...
:'''Louie''': ''[saluting]'' ...together!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Good lads!

==== Part II: Wronguay in Ronguay ====
:'''[[w:Flintheart Glomgold|Flintheart Glomgold]]''': ''[answering the phone]'' Money talks, I listen. Speak!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Surprising each other while searching for the treasure ship]''
:'''Glomgold''': Scrooge!
:'''Scrooge''': Glomgold!
:'''El Capitan''': ''Los ninos''!
:'''Huey, Dewey and Louie''': That guy!

==== Part III: [[w:Three Days of the Condor|3 Ducks of the Condor]] ====

:'''Launchpad''': Big rubble, no trouble! Gyro tells me you need a pilot for an experimental plane.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': What I need is my head examined.
:'''Launchpad''': Don't worry, Mr. McD. If it's got wings, I can crash it.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I hope my medical insurance is paid up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Well, the engines are busted, but those condors gave me an idea! Trouble is... I don't know how to get 'er off the ground.
:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': You leave that to me!
:'''Launchpad''': Great! You handle the takeoff!
:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': Okay!
:'''Launchpad''': Things must be worse than I thought... I'm beginning to understand him!

==== Part IV: Cold Duck ====
:'''Dewey''': [[w:Elmer Fudd|Be very very quiet. We're hunting Beakley.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Louie''': ''[about girls]'' [Webby's] making friends with penguins while Unca Scrooge is lost in the snow.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': You know, we could backtrack the walrus' trail and find your uncle.
:'''Louie''': Er... yeah! We were just gonna say that!
:'''Dewey''': ''[to Huey]'' They must get smarter as they get older.

==== Part V: Too Much Of A Gold Thing ====

:''(After crashing the carrier into a river)''
:'''Dewey''': We're caught in the current!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Looks like your runway is running away with us. Let's get back into the sky!
:'''Launchpad''': Don't worry. When the going gets tough, the harder they fall.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]''': Gee! An escalator!
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': No, dear. This is an older model. We have to walk up these.

=== [6] [[w:Send In The Clowns|Send in the Clones]] ===

:'''Bigtime''': Thanks for sneakin' us outta jail, Magica. We was gettin' bored waitin' for our time to run out!
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]''': How long was your sentence?
:'''Bigtime''': Life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I didn't get rich by being stupid.

=== [7] [[w:Thanks for the Memory|Sphinx for the Memories]] ===

:'''[[w:Donald Duck|Donald]]''': Nobody's going to make a king out of me and get away with it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Louie''': What are they doing to Unca Donald?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Whatever it is, it will be an improvement.

=== [8] [[w:Where no man has gone before|Where No Duck Has Gone Before]] ===
:'''Huey''': Unca Scrooge, what's wrong?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Those movie people called.
:'''Huey''': That's good.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': But they can't repay me in cash.
:'''Louie''': That's bad.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': So instead they're giving me Duckburg Studios.
:'''Huey, Dewey, Louie and Doofus:''' That's GREAT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': If Duckburg studios is going to survive, Major Courage is going to need a major overhaul.
:'''Major Courage''': Uh... How major?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''Major'' major, Major.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[The ''Phoenix'' &quot;set&quot; takes off through the roof of the studio.]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': What did you ''do''?
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Well, you said, &quot;make it as real as I could,&quot; so I did.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Real heroes don't need cameras, they just do what needs to be done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Hurry! We've got to warn them!
:''[in a fury, he smashes the instrument panel with his cane]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': What's the matter? Don't we have a radio?!
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Well, yes... and no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I'm warning you, Courage! Turn that ship around and get my nephews, or you'll never work in this town again!
:'''Major Courage''': Forget it, McDuck! Remember, I've got a five-year contract.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': YOU...! YOU...!
:''[he raises his cane, Gyro grabs it]''
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Not the radio!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Cronk ship closes in on the ''Phoenix''.]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': There goes the picture again!
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Please, allow me.
:''[He takes Scrooge's cane and smashes the radio.]''

=== [9] Armstrong ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You know what I like about gold? I have a lot of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Armstrong''': I am Armstrong. I am your friend. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Why no marshmallows in my hot chocolate?
:'''[[w:List of DuckTales characters|Duckworth]]''': ''(clears throat)'' It's inefficient, sir.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Efficiency has its place but NOT in my hot chocolate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': No battery-operated tin can dictator is going to stop me!
:''[gets shocked]''
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Nothing can stop him!

=== [10] Robot Robbers ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[About newspapers]'' I just love looking through the Business section. My name's on every page.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bankjob''': We gotta get out of here!
:'''Beagle Boys''': YEAH!
:'''Bankjob''': We gotta get out of here!
:'''Beagle Boys''': YEAH!
:'''Bankjob''': We gotta get out of here and into Scrooge's money bin!
:'''Beagle Boys''': YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': I have to rebuild half the city, and I can't use my robots!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': McDuck Construction will be glad to handle the job for you.
:'''Glomgold''': How much will that cost?!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': How much you got?
:'''Glomgold''': Scrooge McDuck, you're a low-down ruthless rat!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': What can I say, Flintheart? You bring out the best in me.

=== [11] Magica's Shadow War ===
:'''Huey''': It's a shadow thief!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': After him! Er.. her! Er.. it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poe''': Shadow took over, locked Magica in a closet! Free her!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Free that-that-that WITCH?! Never! It serves her right! She can stay locked in 'til Doomsday and it would be just ducky with me.
:'''Huey''': But if she gets rid of that shadow...
:'''Dewey''': We can't keep these lights on forever.
:'''Louie''': Think of the electric bill.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You have a point. Okay, let's go.

=== [12] Master of the Djinni ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Still a cheater, eh, Glomgold?
:'''Glomgold''': I look at it this way: Why not?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[To Scrooge and Glomgold, disguised as harem girls.]''
:'''Sultan''': How did two camel humps like you become part of the finest harem in the land?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': 2-for-1 sale?

=== [13] Hotel Strangeduck ===
:'''Louie''': It sure is dark in here.
:'''Huey''': I wonder where the light switch is.
:'''Louie''': Hey, I found a candle!
:'''Dewey''': Anybody got a match? ''[The &quot;ghost&quot; lights it for them.]''
:'''Louie''': T-t-thank you. Now we know which way to run. 
:'''Huey, Dewey and Louie''': YAAAAH!!!!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Hey, why would a ghost need to use a door?
:'''Dewey''': Is that a riddle or a knock-knock joke?

=== [14] The Lost Crown of Genghis Khan ===
:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]''': You're so smart, Uncle Scrooge.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Thanks, darling. And wasn't it smart of you to notice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': You guys gotta think positive!
:'''Huey''': But, Launchpad, Webby's lost, Unca Scrooge is lost, we're lost...
:'''Louie''': ...and there's a monster in these caves trying to get 'em.
:'''Launchpad''': C'mon! There must be something positive about all this.
:'''Dewey''': If we don't keep moving, we're going to freeze to death.
:'''Launchpad''': There you go!... You gotta keep a stiff upper lip, Louie.
:'''Louie''': That's easy. It's frozen.

=== [15] Duckman of Aquatraz ===
:'''Dewey''': Look! We know Unca Scrooge didn't steal that painting, right?
:'''Louie''': Yeah! He only likes little paintings of presidents. The ones on dollar bills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Oink''': That is ''enough'', Mr. McDuck?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scrooge is arm-wrestling the other inmates in quick succession]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[wins]'' Next. ''[wins]'' Next. ''[wins]'' Next.
:'''Mad Dog McGurk''': ''[rubbing his hand]'' How'd you get so strong, McDuck?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': By lifting moneybags.
:'''Prisoner''': I lifted some moneybags once... right before they threw me in here.

=== [16] The Money Vanishes ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Until tomorrow, my beautiful cash. Good night, sleep tight and don't let inflation bite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bigtime''': It'll take a whole night of back-breaking work, aching muscles, dirt and sweat. ''[Passes the shovel to his brothers]'' You guys better get started.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': [[Clint Eastwood|Go ahead, Beagle Boys, take my ray!]]

=== [17] Sir Gyro de Gearloose ===
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Hi boys, what can I do for you three?
:'''Louie''': Uh, nothing Gyro. We just came by to say hi.
:'''Huey''': Yeah. Hi.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Moorloon''': ''[tapping a magnet against a wooden table]'' Work, work, work!

=== [18] Dinosaur Ducks ===

=== [19] Hero for Hire ===


:'''Launchpad''': ''[talking to Doofus during a ransom call]'' Did they hurt you?
:'''Doofus''':  ''[crying]'' They tortured me, Launchpad!  They ate my pancakes!
:'''Launchpad''': ''[under his breath]''  Those rats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Launchpad decides not to tell the police anything after receiving a threatening phone call from the Beagle Boys]''
:'''Judge''':  Now what were you here about, son?
:'''Launchpad''':  ''[quickly and nervously]''  I just wanted to tell you a joke: I knew a burglar who was so successful, he stopped makin' house calls.  A yuk-yuk.  ''[hurries away]''
:'''Judge''':  Yuck is right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Launchpad''': ''[to Ma Beagle]''  I'm lookin' for my friend Doofus, chubby little kid, about the size of this lamp.  ''[motions to Doofus, who is tied up with a lampshade on his head]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Babyface''': ''[after he, Bankjob, and Bugle go flying out of Ma Beagle's car and into a paddy wagon]'' See what happens when you don't wear your seat belts?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Launchpad''': Surprise, Mr. McD!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''':  [''happily''] Launchpad, you're alive! [''raises his cane''] I'M GOIN' TA KILL YOU!

=== [20] Superdoo! ===

=== [21] Maid of the Myth ===
:'''Viking 1''': Feeding the prisoners to the sharks isn't any fun.
:'''Viking 2''': It is for the sharks!

=== [22] Down and Out in Duckburg ===

=== [23] Much Ado About Scrooge ===

=== [24] Top Duck ===

=== [25] Pearl of Wisdom ===

:'''Yardarm''': ''[to Sharky]'' A plan worthy of a master criminal — all you're missing is a little diabolical laughter.

=== [26] The Curse of Castle McDuck ===

=== [27] Launchpad's Civil War ===

=== [28] Sweet Duck of Youth ===

=== [29] Earth Quack ===

:'''Webby''': Uncle Scrooge?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Huh? What?
:'''Webby''': You were having a nightmare in the middle of the day!
: '''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Aye! And what a horrible, uh, daymare it was, darling.
:'''Huey''': What were you dreaming about, Uncle Scrooge?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Earthquakes. There was another one yesterday.
:'''Dewey''': But none of them were anywhere near Duckburg.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': They were in my dream, under my money bin, to be exact.
:'''Webby''': Aw, dreams don’t mean anything, Uncle Scrooge, unless they come true.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Aye, and that's why I have Gyro Gearloose dreaming up some safety measures.

=== [30] Home Sweet Homer ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Your Uncle Donald's done something right for a change. By accident, of course.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirens''': [chanting] Pennies, nickels, quarters, dimes, come to us while there's still time.  Golden ducky ever bold, look into our eyes of gold.

=== [31] Bermuda Triangle Tangle ===

=== [32] Micro Ducks from Outer Space ===

=== [33] [[w:Back to the Klondike|Back to the Klondike]] ===

=== [34] Horse Scents ===

=== [35] Scrooge's Pet ===

=== [36–39] Catch as Cash Can ===
==== Part I: A Drain On The Economy ====
:''[referring to Glomgold's way of bailing the Beagles out of prison]''
:'''Bouncer''': Ain't it a little early for [[w:Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade|Thanksgiving]]? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Louie''': ''(on Scrooge)'' I think those Beagle Boys have finally driven him nutso.
:'''Dewey''': Knock it off! Uncle Scrooge is perfectly sane!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': ''(singsong)'' Yoo-hoo! Laddies! I've something to show you!
:''[They enter the bin, and see Scrooge has rigged a giant artillery cannon to the door.]''
:'''Dewey''': Right, no mental problems here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': ''(going crazy)'' No, no! Beagle Boys! Hide money! Win contests! Pretty fruit!
:'''Dewey''': Snap out of it, Uncle Scrooge! We need you! ''(throws a wad of cash at Scrooge's head)''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': Thanks, Dewey. I needed that.
:'''Dewey''': You're all right!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': Yes, and I've figured out how to save my money from the Beagle Boys!
:'''Huey, Dewey, and Louie''': You do?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': Yes! I'll give it to them!
:'''Huey, Dewey, and Louie''': Say '''''what'''''?

==== Part II: A Whale Of A Bad Time ====

:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''(upon hearing that one of his cargo boats has vanished)'' A sea monster ate my ice creeeeeeeam!!! ''(he continues to shout this again and again as he flails crazily on the breakfast table)''
:'''Mrs. Beakley:''' That must've been some ice cream.
:'''Huey:''' ''(holding down Scrooge)'' No, you don't understand! This wasn't ice cream! This was ''half his fortune!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Security guard''': I don't care if you're Frosty the Snowman's sisters. Mr. McDuck left explicit instructions for nobody to be let in, and that means you nobodies, too!

==== Part III: Aqua Ducks ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge McDuck]]''': [[Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid|Morons. I've got morons on my team.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The ducks are imprisoned in an undersea city.]''
:'''Launchpad McQuack''': Say, why don't we find ourselves some spoons and dig our way out of here?
:'''Scrooge McDuck''': Launchpad, how did you ever manage to survive childhood?

==== Part IV: Working For Scales ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': They didna pop! The balloons didna pop!
:'''[[w:Gyro Gearloose|Gyro Gearloose]]''': Steel velvet.
:'''Scrooge''': Gyro! Sometimes I'm almost tempted to give you a raise!
:'''Gyro''': Why, thanks, Mr. McDuck...! I think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! 
:'''Flintheart Glomgold''': Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

=== [40] Merit-Time Adventure ===
:'''Captain Mallard''': My first mate Quackerbill was swallowed alive, which means he no longer is. You all sailed with good old Quackerbill! Remember what he always used to say?
:'''Entire Room''': ARRR...
:'''Captain Mallard''': Besides that!

=== [41] The Golden Fleecing ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[About Launchpad]'' It's no wonder he doesn't wear a crash helmet. What's to protect?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triplets''': Don't worry. Launchpad taught us everything he knows about flying.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Now I'm worried.

=== [42] Ducks of the West ===

=== [43] Time Teasers ===
:''[Huey restarts time after thwarting the robbery]''
:'''Babyface''': Hey, the money!
:''[the officer gets up and starts blasting his pistol at the Beagle Boys]''
:'''Bankjob''': Wha-?!  How'd he get loose?!  Eh, take this copper!
:''[but instead of the pistol, he has a hot dog, which splatters out of his hand]''
:'''Babyface''': Huh?!
:'''Bankjob''': Let's get out of here!
:''[the Beagle boys trip and fall over due to their shoes being tied together]''
:'''Babyface''': Yow!
:'''Bankjob''': Oof!
:'''Babyface''': What the..!
:'''Bankjob''': Aah!
:''[they squirm towards their car while the officer continues firing at them]''
:'''Louie''': Gee, they got away.
:'''Huey''': Well, at least we stopped the robbery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Scrooge explains their plan]'' 
:'''Bankjob''': Hey! How come we gotta be the ones to stay behind and keep 'em busy?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Because you're too stupid to hook up Gyro's time tub!
:'''Bankjob''': All right, all right, just asking.

=== [44] Back Out in the Outback ===

=== [45] Raiders of the Lost Harp ===
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]''': [[w:Ali Baba|&quot;Open!&quot; says me]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]''': Give key to me or... ''(she turns into a sumo wrestler)'' I give big headache to you!

=== [46] The Right Duck ===

=== [47] Scroogerello ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': And to show his appreciation, old Scrooge McDuck is taking you all out to the finest hamburger stand in Duckburg!
:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]''': Can we order fries?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You can even order hamburgers!

=== [48] Double-O-Duck ===
:''[repeated lines]''
:'''DIA Director''': Lunchpail...
:'''Launchpad McQuack''': ''Launch-pad''!
:'''DIA Director''': Whatever.

=== [49] Luck O' the Ducks ===
:''[After Webby reveals the booby-trap that would have buried Scrooge alive.]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I... Webigail, I don't know what to say.
:'''Launchpad''': I know what you're trying to say, Mr. [[w:Scrooge McDuck|McDee]]. She was right, you were wrong. She was wise, you were a fool. ''[ticking off on his fingers]'' You were greedy, selfish, rude, a great big mean...
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': We get the idea, Launchpad!

=== [50] Duckworth's Revolt ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''(about re-hiring Duckworth)'' All in favor, say &quot;yea!&quot;
:'''Huey, Dewey, &amp; Louie''': YAY!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': The &quot;yays&quot; have it!

=== [51] Magica's Magic Mirror / Take Me Out of the Ball Game ===
:'''Launchpad''': I can't break their little hearts, Mr. [[w:Scrooge McDuck|McDee]] — you do it!

=== [52] Duck to the Future ===

=== [53] Jungle Duck ===

=== [54] Launchpad's First Crash ===

=== [55] Dime Enough for Luck ===

=== [56] Duck in the Iron Mask ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Easier than diving into my money bin!
:'''Launchpad''': Really? You gotta let me try that some time, Mr. McD.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': No!
:'''Launchpad''': Right!

=== [57] The Uncrashable Hindentanic ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[to Glomgold]'' Let's just say I'll invest a million in your company ''if'' I lose, and you invest a million in my company ''when'' I win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Director''': McDuck, if we crash, we'll sue you for-!
:'''[[Carl Sagan|Carl Sagander]]''': Billions and billions of dollars!

=== [58] The Status Seekers ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[on being told that a ballroom is only for &quot;important&quot; people]'' Well, I don't know about status, but I own this ''hotel''.

=== [59] Nothing to Fear ===
:'''Mrs. Quackenbush''': Oh, boys!  Aren't you forgetting something?
:'''Dewey''': Our teacher, Mrs. Quackenbush!
:'''Mrs. Quackenbush''': You didn't do your homework, boys--and you know how I hate that!
:''(the nephews scream)''
:'''Louie''': Whose idea was it not to do our homework?
:'''Huey and Dewey''': Yours!
:'''Louie''': Whose idea was it to listen to my idea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Ahh, I knew it. I *knew* it. I was never cut out to raise three boys. I've failed.
:''[covers his face and sobs]''
:'''Huey, Dewey, Louie''': ''[come out shouldering sacks on poles]'' Uncle Scrooge?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Lads?
:'''Louie Duck''': We're leavin, Uncle Scrooge. Jus tlike you wanted.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Leavin'?
:'''Huey''': Yeah. You still wanna get rid of us, don't'cha?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Get rid of ya? Why, of *course* not. You're the apples o'my eye. I - I-I thought you wanted to get rid of *me*. You said I was an old fuddy-duddy...
:''[looks away]''
:'''Dewey''': We'd *never* say that, Uncle Scrooge.
:''[they run to each other and hug]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Why - Why, of *course* you wouldn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doofus''': I was afraid you were a big banana!
:'''Huey''': Or Commander Gander, terror of the universe!
:'''Duckworth''': ''[sticks his head out of the closet]'' Or the limo-monster.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[examining himself]'' Not last time I checked... Nope. I'm just a plain old filthy-rich duck who wants to know... WHAT'S GOIN' ON AROUND HERE?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': It's almost as if someone knows what our worst fears are and is using them against us.
:'''Huey''': But who would know that much about us?
:''(The door swings open, and evil version of Uncle Scrooge stands before them)''
:'''Nephews''': Uncle Scrooge!
:'''Evil Scrooge''': Figured it out, did ya?!  Well, my worst fears came true when I got YOU three little television-leaver-oners!  I never wanted you here, but that no-good Donald dumped you on me. ''(tosses and breaks Donald's picture scaring the nephews)'' I've been doing all this to scare you out of my life!
:'''Louie''': B-but how could you do all those things?
:'''Evil Scrooge''': I'm rich!  I can do anything! ''(laughs evilly)'' And I'll be ever richer when you're out of here!
:'''Nephews''': ''(crying)'' Uncle Scrooge!
:'''Evil Scrooge''': Don't call me that!  I don't want to be your uncle anymore! ''(leaves)''

=== [60] Dr. Jekyll and Mr. McDuck ===

=== [61] Once Upon a Dime ===

=== [62] Spies in Their Eyes ===
:'''Seaman''': What are your orders, admiral?
:'''Admiral Grimitz''': Somebody do something!

=== [63] All Ducks on Deck ===

=== [64] Ducky Horror Picture Show ===

=== [65] Till Nephews Do Us Part ===
:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]''': If Millionara [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs|offered me an apple in the forest]], I sure wouldn't eat it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Goldie O'Gilt|Goldie]]''': You say &quot;I do&quot;, and I'll show you the breeze of my shotgun!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Goldie O'Gilt|Goldie]]''': You no-good varmint! I'll teach ya to lay eyes on another woman!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Oops! That darn eject button is always getting in the way!

== Season 2 ==

=== [66–70] Time is Money ===
==== Part I: Marking Time ====

==== Part II: The Duck Who Would Be King ====
:'''Launchpad''': Gee, she's nice. Do you think I made an impression?
:'''Huey''': What? When you knocked over the statue, or when you ran into the door?
:'''Launchpad''': All three.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Townspeople''': THE GREAT ONE HAS CHOSEN! ALL HAIL SKOOGE!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': That's Scrooge!
:'''Townspeople''': WHATEVER.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubba''': Skooge home?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': No, Bubba, no home. Och, I'm starting to talk like him. Launchpad, how soon can we get back in the air?
:'''Launchpad''': It's in pretty deep, Mr. McDee. We're gonna need help.
:'''Bubba''': Bubba help.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You've helped enough already. Boys, you stay here.
:'''Bubba''': Bubba come?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': No, Bubba stay. &lt;u&gt;Launchpad&lt;/u&gt; come... Och, I'm starting to talk like him.

==== Part III: Bubba Trubba ====
:'''Burger''': Hey look, it's Ma! She musta broke outta jail!
:'''Bouncer''': That's not Ma; it's Bigtime.
:'''Burger''': Oh yeah; Ma's beard is darker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': ''[seeing Scrooge on the news]'' Quick, give me something to throw!
:''[Bouncer gives him a vase, which Glomgold throws into the TV]''
:'''Glomgold''': AAH! That vase is worth a quarter-million dollars!
:'''Bouncer''': Not anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Gyro was right; Bubba's already costing me money! I've got to get him away from here. I know - ''you'' can take care of him!
:'''Louie''': But we gotta go to school!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Fine! Take 'im to school. Take 'im to the zoo. Take 'im to the cleaners! But just take 'im away from me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Natural History Museum]''
:'''Tour Guide''': Scientists say that the [[w:Triceratops|Triceratops]] was a slow-moving, gentle creature. 
:''[Bubba and Tootsie come charging through the room, wreaking havoc]''
:'''Tour Guide''': ...But what do they know?

==== Part IV: Ducks On The Lam ====
:''[The Beagle Boys have taken over Scrooge's money bin, and Scrooge assembles an army outside to storm the bin.]''
:'''Glomgold''': Aw, what happened? Did you lose your key?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Has anyone ever told you you're a deceitful, lying vulture?
:'''Glomgold''': Aw, now you make me blush. But times a wasting! You owe me ten million dollars by noon tomorrow, or you can kiss your diamond mine goodbye! ''[his car speeds off]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Ohh, YOU...! YOU...!
:''[wheels around and points his cane at the bin]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': CHAAAAAAARGE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': ''[chasing Bubba and Tootsie]'' [[The Wizard of Oz|I'll get you, laddie, and your little dinosaur too!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[riding on Tootsie's back with Bubba]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Bubba, I need to find a phone!
:'''Bubba''': Phone?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''' ''[mimes answering a telephone]'' Ring, ring, hello?
:'''Bubba''': ''[mimes back]'' Hewwo!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Never mind, just turn here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duckworth''': And therefore, in the words of the immortal [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]], &quot;hit the road, Jack!&quot;

==== Part V: Ali Bubba's Cave ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Launchpad! You actually brought us down without crashing!
:'''Launchpad''': Oh, great! There goes my reputation!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': Soon this cave will be mine, unfair and square!

=== [71–75] Super DuckTales ===
==== Part 1: Liquid Assets ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': A day without looking at me Money Bin is like a day without sunshine!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Together we can turn the financial world upside down!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Do you mind if we start with my clothes?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': ''[being dragged out of Scrooge's office]'' Give me a shot!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You got it!
:''[He points an antique shotgun into the air and fires a warning blast.]''
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Four hundred and sixty-five!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Four hundred and sixty-five what?
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Uh, shotgun pellets.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[dumbstruck]'' You counted them?
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': I... sort of have a knack for that.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Oh, yeah? Count this.
:''[He tosses a handful of coins into the air, then quickly catches them again.]''
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': A dollar seventy-eight.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[looks]'' Amazing! To the penny! You're hired.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': You goofs! What am I supposed to do with an empty Money Bin?! Live in it, like the old lady in the shoe?

==== Part 2: Frozen Assets ====
:'''Launchpad''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Launchpad to Mr. McDee, Launchpad to Mr. McDee. The Money Bin and I are a on a roll.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Just make sure you don't roll into anything. ''[hears some noises over the walkie-talkie]'' What's all that racket?
:'''Launchpad''': Eh, nothing to be concerned about. Just a little fender-bender, that's all.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[hears people screaming]'' Why are people screaming?
:'''Launchpad''': Ah, the sissies never saw a shopping mall collapse before. But don't worry; I'm OK!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': How far are you from the mountain I bought?
:'''Launchpad''': I'd say about an hour, give or take a crash or two. Ooh, kiss ''that'' billboard goodbye. Launchpad, over and out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': The Money Bin's full! Your frozen assets are now lukewarm.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Good, Fenton! Every last dime's been accounted for?
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Yup! Except for the dime I used to make this call.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Dime? What dime?!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Oh, just an old shiny one.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': In a glass case?!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Yeah, but I'll pay you back.
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': That was the first dime I ever earned, you idiot! Why else would it be in a case?!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Blatherin' blatherskite! I thought it was for emergency phone calls!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Get it back, now!  Or you're FIRED!! ''[phone explodes in Fenton's face]''
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': I think he's mad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Uh, hi! I'm your new neighbor! Could I borrow the proverbial cup of sugar?
:'''Ma Beagle''': Uh, well, uh, I don't have a proverbial cup. Will a tin one do?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Of course you know, this means a skirmish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': How dare you steal what my boys rightfully stole first!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bigtime''': It's bad enough that [[w:Jack Frost|Jack Frost]] is nipping at my nose without youse guys bloodyin' it!

==== Part 3: Full Metal Duck ====
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': It must be something you said; a secret word. Here goes - uh, &quot;[[w:Dukes of Hazard|Ducks of Hazard]].&quot; Uh, &quot;now look what you've done!&quot; ...Oh, blatherin' blatherskite! What could it be!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': ''[in disguise]'' Hi, Ma! It's me, Bermuda Beagle, back from being lost for 20 years in the Bermuda Triangle!
:'''Ma Beagle''': ''Bermuda'' Beagle? I don't remember a son named Bermuda. 'Course, I got more boys than a toad has warts!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Ah, the old place looks just like I remember it!
:'''Baggy''': Ahhh, but we didn't live here 20 years ago.
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': B-but what does it matter? The point is, we were together, a family. And by golly, any low-down worm that disagrees, he'll just have to take it up or we'll forklift it out of his hide. Speaking of hide, let's Beagle-bond a bit with a rousing game of hide-and-seek!
:'''Burger''': Ooh, ooh, goody! Who's gonna be it?
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Let's flip for it! Heads I win, tails you lose. Anybody got a bag full of dimes we could use?
:'''Ma Beagle''': Hold it, you canine counterfiet! Look at this family photo. No Bermuda!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Uh, would you believe I was adopted?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Wakey-wakey. Hello, little boy. I'm the [[w:Tooth Fairy|Tooth Fairy]], and have I got a deal for you.
:'''Baggy''': Uh, really?
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Yes. If you give me that bag of dimes, I'll give you this bag of teeth.
:'''Bigtime''': Better hang onto those - I think you're gonna need 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duckworth''': Announcing a dripping dunderhead, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': Oh, I've always wanted a pink Thunderduck! Let's borrow it... permanently!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': If you don't like how I drive, get outta the hallway!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': Burger, if you don't control that appetite, I'm going to lose control of the car! ''[Burger jumps out]''
:'''Burger''': ''[ridiculous order, to a disguised GizmoDuck]''
:'''GizmoDuck''': That'll be a large bag of dimes, please. ''[Burger hands over the stolen bag of dimes]'' Thanks, '''sucker'''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Hey, Ma! Look what I'm wearing!
:'''Ma Crackshell''': Fenton, did you join a [[w:heavy metal|heavy metal]] band?

==== Part 4: The Billionaire Beagle Boys Club ====
:'''City Official''': This is worse than the terrorists who held the city attorney hostage with an accordion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': Oh, this party is a dream come true! Who'd have thought I'd be hob-knobbing with Duckburg's finest?
:'''Bigtime''': What're you talkin' about, Ma? You've been in most of their homes before.
:'''Ma Beagle''': Yeah, but only to swipe their silverware.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''GizmoDuck''': Gandra! Would you believe you've stolen my heart?
:'''Gandra''': So is that any reason to steal my ''car?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': It's thieves like them who are making the world a lousy place to live for thieves like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': ''[chasing Huey, Dewey &amp; Louie]'' Come back with that cash!
:'''Burger''': ''[follows]'' Come back with those desserts!

==== Part 5: Money to Burn ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[after alien robots steal the Money Bin]'' You haven't seen the last of me, you purse snatchers from space!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': What's more important, a couple of quadrillion dollars or your life?
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Is this a multiple-choice question?

==Season 3==
=== [76] The Land of Tra-La-La ===

:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': ''[watching Scrooge freak out and begin to make squirrel noises]'' Interesting...

=== [77] Allowance Day ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Fenton, it's Saturday! You were supposed to sign that lease extension yesterday!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': That's what I don't understand, Mr. McDuck! I flew out here yesterday, but when I arrived, it was already tomorrow. Talk about your long flights!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Wait a minute. You ''did'' leave yesterday, which was Thursday. That means today should be Friday!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Right now, I'd be happy [[w:If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium|if it was Tuesday and this was Belgium]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Chiquita''': It's your ''last'' day, McDuck! For assaulting the president of the [[w:Banana Republic|Banana Republic]], I order you and your amigo here shot at high noon!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Is that high noon on Friday, or Saturday?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': But I'm too young to die! And too nice! And much, much too nervous! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': What's going on? High noon isn't for another hour!
:'''General Chiquita''': I thought I would save you needless anguish by moving up the execution.
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': But, but I was just starting to ''enjoy'' my anguish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': [[w:Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears|Friends, Romans,]] and banana lovers! [[Nathan Hale|I regret that I have but one life to give]] to your ridiculous country!

=== [78] Bubbeo and Juliet ===
=== [79] The Good Muddahs ===
:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]''': [[w:The Wonderful Wizard of Oz|There's no place like home.]]

=== [80] My Mother, The Psychic ===
=== [81] Metal Attraction ===
=== [82] Dough Ray Me ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Fenton, you're a genuine genius!
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': Oh, I bet you say that to all the genuine geniuses.

=== [83] Bubba's Big Brainstorm ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[after Bubba causes a stack of books to fall down]'' Well, you get an &quot;A&quot; in home wreckonomics.

=== [84] The Big Flub ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''[Getting out of bed]'' Time to make like interest rates and rise.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fenton's Mother''': I'm so proud! My own son on Oprah Webfeet! And to think your class voted you most likely to become homeless.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Crackshell''': ''[Reading a telegram from Fenton]''  Dear Mama, if you thought my head was in the clouds before, you should see me now.  Your ever-loving and free-floating son, Fenton.  P.S. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

=== [85] A Case of Mistaken Secret Identity ===
=== [86] Blue Collar Scrooge ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Always be ready for surprises when you work for Scrooge McDuck! Got it, Beaver?

=== [87] Beaglemania ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Well, you're no-good, low-down degenerates who belong behind bars, but... keep up the good work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': Just shut up and suffer for your art!

=== [88] Yuppy Ducks ===
:'''Dr. von Swine''': Now I must go! I have a one o'clock beak transplant, and I can't keep the patient waiting or she won't pay for her bill.

=== [89] The Bride Wore Stripes ===
:'''Ma Beagle''': Hang on, boys!  Your mother's about to enter the state of matrimony!
:'''Burger''':  Is that the state near Minny-soty?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': Don't I get a kiss goodnight? ''[Puckers up]''
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''':  I'd rather plant a wet one on [[w:Shamu|Swamu the Whale]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Duckworth''': One more precious family moment, and I may upchuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Big Time Beagle''': What are we gonna do, Daddy Scroogey?
:'''Burger Beagle''': Yeah, nothing personal, but we hates living here!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I hate having you here. But I'm afraid your mother and I are in this 'til death do us part... ''[rubs his hands together]'' which suddenly gives me a perfectly demented idea.
:'''Burger Beagle''': Ooh, those are our favorite kind!

=== [90] The Unbreakable Bin ===
=== [91] Attack of the 50-Foot Webby ===
=== [92] The Masked Mallard ===
:'''Laurence Loudmouth''': We don't need facts, we're in television!

=== [93] A DuckTales Valentine / Armor or Less ===

== Season 4 ==
=== [94] Ducky Mountain High ===
=== [95] Attack of the Metal Mites ===
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': I'm allergic to money, you know. All I have to do is touch it and I break out into a rash of cash!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': You understand what to do?
:'''Dijon''': Perfectly, Mr. Gleamgold. I mean, Goldheart.  Heartburn?
:'''Glomgold''': Glomgold, you brick-brain!
:'''Dijon''': You are very perceptive, sir. Most people are not aware of Dijon's brain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''':  There's one mite missing!  It could multiply!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Gizmoduck gets distracted while he is supposed to be rescuing a man from a crumbling platform.  He finally saves the panicked guy in the nick of time by flying up with his propellor.'']
:'''Gizmoduck''': ''[points to his propellor helmet]''  And I bet you thought my head was only filled with brains!
:'''Rescued Citizen''':  Oh, I would ''never'' think that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''':  Fenton, don't you think it's time you went and ''called'' your ''friend?'' ''[winks repeatedly]''
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''':  I think I oughta call a doctor, looks like you got somethin' in your eye!

=== [96] The Duck Who Knew Too Much ===
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': ''(on climbing under a moving train)'' Kids, don't try this at home! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]:''' Waiter! There's an airplane in my soup!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]:''' If I have to, I'll save Mr. McDuck's money armed only with my wits! And no cracks about going into battle unarmed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ma Crackshell''': ''(watching a soap opera)'' Oh, Valerie, don't marry Drake! He's a cad, a scoundrel; not to mention he's a beakened gizzard.
=== [97] New Gizmo Kids on the Block ===
=== [98] Scrooge's Last Adventure ===
=== [99–100] The Golden Goose ===

==== Part I ====

:'''[[w:Webbigail Vanderquack|Webby]]:''' Duckworth! Have you seen Hewey, Dewey and Louie?
:'''Duckworth:''' No, Miss Webigail, my morning has been quite calm.

==== Part II ====
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Me Wallet! Stop that thief! Don't let that sneak get away! Dijon!

== Comic stories ==
:'''Glomgold''': I know that Scrooge. I bet he's going to steal the sidewalks... or change the traffic lights, from red and green to vermillion and polka dot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold:''' And who are ''you,'' little lady?
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]:''' I'm no lady, I'm Magica DeSpell, the most evil sorceress in the world, and Scrooge's worst enemy.
:'''Glomgold:''' I'm sorry, but ''I'm'' Scrooge's worst enemy.
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]:''' ''Ha!'' I'm twice the enemy you are. I ''hate'' him.
:'''Glomgold:''' Well, I hate him more than you do!
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]:''' Yeah? Well, I hate him more than ring-around-the-cauldron!
:'''Glomgold:''' I hate him more than an [[w:IRS|I.R.S.]] audit in [[w:August|August]]!
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]:''' I'll turn you into a tongue-tied tree toad, you old buzzard. ''I'm'' more evil than ''ten'' of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fair official:''' Scrooge McDuck, you didn't pay for your rides on the ferris wheel, airplane, or water slide. You owe us two dollars and fifty-nine cents!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]:''' Just for ''three'' little rides? ''(sigh)'' I could've bought ''seven'' new hats for the price of this one! ''(double sigh)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baggy:''' Scroogie got hold of some kind of treasure map, and he's taking off with his nephews tomorrow for the Artichoke!
:'''Bigtime:''' Not the Artichoke, idiot! The ''Arctic!''
:'''Baggy:''' So? What's the difference?
:'''Bigtime:''' The Arctic is an ocean and an artichoke is a vegetable, dimwit!
:'''Baggy:''' Boy, are you smart! It's no wonder they call you Bigtime around here!
:'''Bigtime:''' They'll be calling you &quot;Toothless&quot; if you don't put me down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold:''' I've signed a whopping million dollar contract to write a book on my space odyssey! I'll make even more on the movie rights!
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]:''' Burst me bagpipes and tan me tartans! If it wasn't for me, you'd still be stuck on that miserable planet!
:'''Glomgold:''' I'm a fair man... I'll give you a one-line mention in the book!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''(when aliens steal his cuff links)'' Oh no, you don't! Not unless you've got eightteen quadrillion bucks! And FIFTY CENTS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Trapezium can be synthesized out of almost anything! Trouble is, it's not usually worth the effort! You can pick 'em up for a nickel over in St. Canard! I know [[w:Darkwing Duck|this screwy duck]] and [[w:Gosalyn Mallard|his daughter]] over there...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': Hold still, Magica! I get extra points for evil sorceress in ''this'' game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fenton Crackshell|Fenton]]''': ''Yipes!'' What do I do next? I'm no Launchpad! I can't fly!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baggy''': Geez! I ain't scrubbed so much since the reform school graduation dance!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]:''' Confound you, Launchpad! You knocked the top off ''another'' pyramid!
:'''Launchpad:''' ''(gulp)'' Sorry, sir! At least now they're a matched set!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': $6.17? You dragged me away from my nap just to collect a dinky sum like that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': ''(as Magica tries to steal his Number One Dime)'' Why, oh why couldn't that woman have a fetish for rutabagas, or something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': What's this world coming to when you'd rather watch TV than argue with your greatest enemy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Magica DeSpell|Magica]]''': It's not nice to fire at a lady! And it's incredibly ''stupid'' to shoot at a witch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scrooge McDuck|Scrooge]]''': You let us go right now or I'm going to buy this place and tear it down to build hamburger stands!

== Commercial bumper ==

: Disney's DuckTales will return after these messages.
: And now, back to Disney's DuckTales.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}


[[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:Syndicated shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about brothers]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about ducks]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>2j5pb6jzsp4egvsgmm7he35gql5mcj0</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Powerpuff Girls</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>10588</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150221</id>
      <parentid>3149605</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:24:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode 1A.Stuck Up, Up, and Away */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="132009" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Powerpuff Girls|The Powerpuff Girls]]''''' is an American animated show created by Craig McCracken.  It follows the adventures of Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup, three little girls literally created from sugar, spice and everything nice. Their creator and father, Professor Utonium, adds Chemical X by mistake, giving the girls superpowers. They use their gifts to save the city of Townsville.

== Season 1 ==
8 Episodes by October 18, 1998 - January 1, 1999

=== Episode 1A.Monkey See, Doggy Do ===
:'''Blossom''': Gee, I sure hope we can find a trail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After changing everyone in Townsville into dogs with the Anubis Head]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': All right, you flea-bitten curs! Heel! I, Mojo Jojo, am your master, and you shall obey my commands like the dogs you are! Because I am your master, it is I who you will obey! Obeying commands is what you will do! I will give you commands, and you will obey them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Not so fast...
:'''Buttercup''': Mojo...
:'''Bubbles''': Jojo!
:''[The Girls are changed into dogs]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Too late, Powerpuffs! Or should I say, &quot;Power-pups&quot;?

===Episode 1B.Mommy Fearest===
:'''Ima Goodlady''': I thought I grounded you, brats! I'm getting the professor!
:'''Blossom''': We're afraid not, Ima. He's conveniently stepped out.
:'''Buttercup''': And we know you're not such a good lady at all.
:'''Bubbles''': What's in the bag, Sedusa?!? ''(pulls out the wig, revealing that Ima is Sedusa in disguise)''
:'''Narrator''': SEDUSA?!? Who woulda guessed it?
:'''Sedusa''': ''(as Bubbles tries to grab the bag)'' Let go!
:''(The bag opens to reveal the mayor's jewels)''
:'''Bubbles''': Well, What do you know? The mayor's jewels. Nice try, Sedusa, But the game's over!
:'''Sedusa''': ''(in her evil tone)'' HA! Never! ''(in sweet tone)'' I'll just sweet talk that sap with the professor. He'll believe in me ''(in her evil tone)'' AND YOU THREE BUG-EYED CREEPS WILL BE GROUNDED FOREVER! ''(laughs evilly)''
:'''Bubbles''': ''(angrily)'' GROUND THIS!!!
:''(The girls attacked Sedusa)''
:'''Professor''': Oh Girls, I am back from the the stooooOOORE! ''(drops his groceries)'' What's going on here?!
:'''Sedusa''': ''(fake sobbing)'' Oh, Professor. Thank goodness you're back! The girls went just crazy and they all jumped on me when I came home.
:'''Blossom''': ''(angrily)'' No, Professor! It's not true!
:'''Buttercup''': She's really Sedusa!
:'''Bubbles''': And she grounded us so she can make off with the mayor's jewels!
:'''Sedusa''': LIARS! ''(to the Professor, fake whining)'' Professor, Sweetie, you believe me, don't you? Please.. help me. Please.
:''(Professor grabs Sedusa's arms and the girls think they are getting grounded again)''
:'''Professor''': ''(to the Girls)'' Girls, call the police. ''(the girls perked up)'' That crook is not going to deceive us anymore.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''' Yay!

===Episode 4A.Buttercrush===
:'''Ace''': Oh, Powerpuff Girls. Please forgive my foolish friend for his foolish act, for he did not know what he was doing. And I know deep inside my heart that he would never do anything like that ever again. What do you say, girls? Will you forgive him? Will you? Please?
:'''Blossom''': Okay.
:'''Ace''': Thank you. ''[winks at Buttercup]''

===Episode 5A.Boogie Frights===
:''[Being chased by Boogie Man]''
:'''Bubbles''': Buttercup? Blossom? Oh, no! I - I can't do it alone! ''[Crying]''
:'''Professor Utonium:''' ''[in Bubbles' memory]'' ''Bubbles, if you can just face your fears, then I know you can find the courage to beat him.''
----
:''[At the end of the episode]''
:'''Narrator''': So once again, the day is saved!
:''[The Girls appear, sleeping in bed]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[snickers]'' Get it? The ''day'' was saved? Because it was going to be eternal night! They saved the day, literally! ''[laughs]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[wakes up as Buttercup glares through one eye]'' Shh!
:''[Both she and Buttercup go back to sleep; through all this, Bubbles is not disturbed one bit.]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[voice sinks to a whisper]'' Oh, sorry. Thanks to the Powerpuff Girls. Goodnight, everybody.

===Episode 5B.Abracadaver===
:'''Blossom''': Excuse me, Mr. Zombie, sir?
:'''Abracadaver''': Wha—?
:'''Blossom''': Could you stop destroying Townsville with your evil zombie magic?
:'''Bubbles, Buttercup''': Please?
:'''Abracadaver''': ''[gasps upon seeing Blossom]'' You! You're that girl! ''[he imagines her as the girl from long ago]'' Girl with bear!
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Abracadaver''': YOU RUINED AL LUSION! YOU MAKE THEM LAUGH AT ME, '''''BUT NOW, REVENGE!!'''''

===Episode 6A.Telephonies ===
:'''Narrator:''' The city of Townsville! And what a beautiful city she is, full of-- ''[A phone rings]'' Oh, excuse me. ''[Answers phone]'' Uh... hello?
:'''Ace:''' ''[over phone]'' Yeah, listen, jerkface, you good-for-nothin' toad!
:'''Narrator:''' You can't talk to me like that!
:'''Ace:''' ''[over phone]'' How 'bout this? I think you stink! I can smell ya over the phone!
:'''Narrator:''' Why I oughta... who is this! ''[ace hangs up]'' Hello? Hello?! ''[turns over to the Gangreen Gang who laugh after making prank calls]'' Oh. The Gangreen Gang. Why, you crank-calling good-for-nothings! When I get my hands on you, I'll...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Girls break into Mojo Jojo's lair and beat him up]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': WHAT IS THE MEANING OF-- ''[they shove the back of his chair down onto him, then throw him against the wall]''
:'''Blossom''': Don't play dumb. We know you've got some evil plot underway.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': What are you talking about?
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, like you don't have a giant robot ready to smash Townsville!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No.
:'''Blossom''': ''[surprised]'' No diabolical plans to destroy the world?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[scared]'' Turning everyone into zombies to scare people?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, for crying out loud, NO! I have no intentions of committing any crimes... today.
:'''Blossom''': Then what were you doing before we got here?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Sleeping!
:'''Buttercup''': Before that?!
:'''Mojo''': Reading the paper!
:'''Blossom''': ''[deflated]'' Oh. ''[long pause]'' Well... you better behave yourself, or we'll be back!
:'''Mojo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh goodness, I'd better not snore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fuzzy was relaxing in the bathtub while playing his banjo, when he hears the Powerpuff Girls approaching for the fight]''
:'''Blossom''': Okay, Fuzzy. Prepare to get stomped!
:''[Fuzzy was splashed all over]''
:'''Buttercup''': This is for anything you broke! ''[decks him]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[pulling his antennae]'' This is for anyone you hurt!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[raise the banjo over her head]'' And this is for taking a bath! ''[swings and hits Fuzzy on the head with the banjo, which causes him to sink in the bathtub]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[realizes]'' Uh-oh. I think maybe he was just taking a bath.
:'''Bubbles''': Fuzzy...?
:'''Blossom''': Um...we didn't mean to... ''[then Fuzzy rises from the bath, towering above them and beet red with anger. They look up at him and smile nervously with a giggle]'' I guess you weren't going crazy. You were just taking a bath.
:''[All three giggle and inch away to one side before dashing off at top speed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Girls have just broken into Him's lair to find him doing aerobics]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Hello, girls. What a pleasant surprise. Ooh, what's the occasion?
:'''Blossom''': Uh, we were wondering...
:'''Him''': How I stay so fit? Well, now you know.
:'''Blossom''': Uh, no, actually. Did you do anything evil today?
:'''Him''': No, not today. Why do you ask?
:'''Blossom''': No reason, just wondering.
:'''Him''': This figure doesn't come easy, you know. I took a little time off to get into shape.
:'''Blossom''': So, you haven't been...?
:'''Him''': Nope.
:'''Blossom''': ''[chuckling nervously]'' Okay, I guess we'll see you later.
:'''Him''': I guess you will.
:'''Blossom''': Okay, bye, then.
:''[The Girls fly off]''
:'''Him''': Goodbye, girls. Come back soon. Goodbye... ''[picks up the phone and puts it to his left ear]''
:''[Cut to Mojo, who is on the call with Fuzzy]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': All right, alright, Fuzzy, I heard you the first time... I know. ''[the line beeps]'' I kn... hold on, Fuzzy. There's someone on the other line.
:'''Him:''' ''[to Mojo Jojo on the phone; demonic voice]'' '''Mojo! It's me'''... ''[effeminate voice]'' Him!
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' Yes, sir! What is it?
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic]'' '''You won't believe what just happened.'''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' The Powerpuff Girls just broke in unexpected?
:'''Him:''' '''WHAT?! How did you know?'''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' The same thing happened to me and Fuzzy Lumpkins. He's on the other line.
:'''Him:''' '''Well, put him on!'''
:''[Mojo puts Fuzzy on the line]''
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins:''' ''[shaking with fury]'' BUSHWHACKED IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!!
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic voice]'' '''This is an outrage!'''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' You are right. We're all citizens! Evil citizens, but citizens nonetheless!
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins:''' Birthday suit!! ''[cries]''
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic voice]'' '''We should complain!'''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' But to whom?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The phone rings]''
:'''Big Billy:''' ''[answers the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic voice]'' '''I demand to speak with the Mayor!'''
:'''Big Billy:''' He's not here right now. Can I take a [[w:massage|massage]]?
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic voice]'' '''Do you know when he'll be back?'''
:'''Big Billy''': Uh...I don't know. See, Grubber tricked the Mayor into leaving so we could break in and use the Powerpuff hotline to make crank calls.
:'''Him''': ''[demonic voice]'' '''Huh?!''' ''[effeminate voice]'' You don't say. Well, to whom might I be speaking?
:'''Big Billy''': Uh, this is Billy.
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Billy who?
:'''Big Billy''': Big Billy from the Gangreen Gang. Who is this? ''[Him hangs up the phone]'' Hello?
:''[A crash suddenly shakes the room, snapping the Gangreen Gang awake. Him, Mojo Jojo, and Fuzzy Lumpkins have come in, looking enraged]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' So! You guys like to make ''[demonic voice]'' '''crank calls!'''
:''[Him, Mojo, and Fuzzy proceed to beat up the Gangreen Gang]''
:'''Mayor''': ''[mumbling to himself]'' Oh, of all the foolishness. Cut the ribbon, pshaw! ''[stops short and looks on in surprise]'' Oh, my!
:''[There was the battle royal going on in his office, and the mayor tiptoes to the hotline to make a call]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The girls were sleeping at night, when the hotline buzzes]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[picks up the receiver]'' Hello?
:'''Mayor''': ''[over the hotline]'' Powerpuff Girls! You're not gonna believe this! The Gangreen Gang, Mojo Jojo, Fuzzy Lumpkins and Him are fighting right here in my office!
:'''Blossom''': ''[hangs up]'' Yeah, right, Mayor, very funny. ''[tucks herself back in bed]''
:''[The hotline buzzes again, which annoyed the girls. Then Buttercup uses her laser eyes to destroy the hotline, before going back to bed]''
:'''Girls''': Goodnight, Professor!
:''[But the professor is still on hold since the beginning of an episode]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': So once again the day is saved! Thanks to... Mojo?... Fuzzy?... and Him?

===Episode 6B.Tough Love  ===
:'''Narrator''': Those little scamps are so adorable! How we just love the Powerpuff Girls!
:''[Him is in a bathtub, looking angry]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Oh, how I ''[demonic]'' '''HATE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!'''
:'''Narrator''': Hate the Powerpuff Girls?! Who could hate the...? Oh, no. Please don't let it be...Him!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, Powerpuff Girls, save us! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we need you! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we ''love'' you! ''[demonic]'' '''Powerpuff Girls! Powerpuff Girls!! POWERPUFF GIRLS!!!''' ''[Looks at a rubber ducky; effeminate]'' Oh, Mr. Quackers, am I the only one who ''[demonic]'' '''hates those''' ''[effeminate]'' miserable little brats? ''[Squeaks his ducky]'' You hate them, too? Oh, I knew I could count on you! But how can I possibly beat them with all that ''[demonic]'' '''love surrounding them?!''' ''[Squeaks his ducky; effeminate]'' What's that you say? ''[Squeaks his ducky again]'' Yes! ''[demonic]'' '''That's brilliant!''' ''[effeminate]'' Oh, Mr. Quackers, you are ''so'' smart. Quite a positively evil scheme you've hatched. And I'll finally be rid of those girls... ''[demonic]'' '''FOREVER!!'''
----
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Poor, ususpecting Townsville, all snug in your beds. Unaware of the evil that lurks above your heads. And so, with a flick of my wrist and a twirl of my claw, I'll be rid of those girls once and ''[demonic]'' '''for all.'''
----
:''[Ms. Keane and the students of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten are throwing things at the girls]''
:'''Blossom''': I've heard of class struggles, but this is ridiculous.
----
:'''Buttercup''': Wow, this has turned out to be one freaky day.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah. Something strange is going on.
:'''Narrator''': ''[affected by Him's evil gas and yelling]'' Aw, for crying out loud, WOULD YOU THREE SHUT UP FOR ONCE?! Always griping and moaning about something! Sheesh, you give me a headache!
----
:''[All the citizens of Townsville, all affected by Him's evil gas, are cornering the Powerpuff Girls, preparing to destroy them]''
:'''Buttercup''': Why are you people doing this?!
:'''Bubbles''': Don't you love us anymore?
:'''Blossom''': Yeah, you act as if you, as if you...
:'''Him''': ''[offscreen; effeminate]'' Hate you?
:'''Blossom''': Yeah! Hate us! ''[realizes who responded to her question]'' Wait, who said that?
:''[Him appears]''
:'''Him''': Why, I did, of course.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[gasp in horror]'' It's Him!
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Right you are, girls!''' ''[appears in front of the Professor; effeminate]'' And right you are about your loved ones.
:''[He licks the Professor's face]''
:'''Blossom''': Take your claws off of the Professor!
:'''Bubbles''': What's he ever done to you?
:'''Him''': Oh, it's not what ''he's'' done to ''me'', but what he's ''going'' to do ''[demonic]'' '''to YOU!''' ''[effeminate]'' You see, I've taken all of their love for you and ''[his head rotates]'' tuuuuuurned... it into... ''[demonic]'' '''HATE!''' ''[The girls gasp in horror; effeminate]'' Now they will destroy you. ''[demonic]'' '''And you poor, helpless creatures won't be able to fight back.''' ''[effeminate]'' Because the Powerpuff Girls would never hurt the ones they love. Oh, no, they wouldn't! ''[demonic]'' '''NOW DESTROY THEM!'''
:''[The people of Townsville, affected by Him's evil gas, are battling with the Powerpuff Girls, who are on the losing end, until Buttercup rises and knocks the mob away with one punch, stunning Him]''
:'''Buttercup''': Come on, you guys! Get up and fight!
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup, what are you doing? We can't hurt the ones we love.
:'''Buttercup''': Those people ''aren't'' our loved ones. Our loved ones would never want to hurt us!
:'''Blossom, Bubbles''': ''[getting the point]'' (Him) Hey, yeah!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[points to Him]'' They're just pawns in his evil scheme!
:'''Him''': ''[giggles; effeminate]'' Well, you know...
:'''Buttercup''': Which means...
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Let's get 'em!
:'''Him''': ''[frowns]'' Uh-oh.
:''[After the Powerpuff Girls defeat their loved ones and rid them of Him's evil gas, they confront Him]''
:'''Blossom''': Don't ever make us have to do that again!
:'''Buttercup''': Or it will be your last!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. You girls underestimate me. I never give repeat performances. But I assure you, I'll be back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[at the hospital]''
:'''Blossom''': So now you know why we had to do what we did. We all feel really bad, and hope that you’ll forgive us.
:'''Bubbles''': Besides, it hurt us a lot more than it hurt you!
:'''Citizens''': Well now, we wouldn't say that! ''(all laughing)''
:'''Narrator''': ''(laughing, then groaning)'' Don’t worry. We forgive you. Because once again, the day is saved, thanks to The Powerpuff Girls! Oh, nurse, isn't it time for my sponge bath?

===Episode 7A: Major Competition ===
:'''Narrator''': '''THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE IS ON FIRE!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mugger''': ''[holding an old woman at gunpoint]'' Uh... everybody freeze or the old lady gets it!
:''[The crowd gasps in terror]''
:'''Major Man''': Halt, vile villain, or taste the bitter flavor of justice that Major Man will serve you!
:'''Buttercup''': ''[sing-song voice]'' Cor-ny!
:''[The crowd shushes her]''
:'''Mugger:''' I'm sorry, Major Man!  My doctor told me to cut down on justice!  But he did say I could have all the ''greens'' I want!  ''[grabs money from the purse]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Blossom:''' Boy, the hotline hasn't run in ages!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mayor:''' That was so hard to do!  ''[pause]''  Anyway, time to move on and forget about the past!  Gotta make room for the future!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Buttercup:''' Let's beat the stuffing out of him!

===Episode 7B.Mister Mojo's Rising===
:''[Mojo Jojo's letter to the Girls:]''
:Dear Powerpuff Girls,
:I have kidnapped Professor Utonium! I have taken him someplace against his will! If you look for him in the spots he likes to be, you will not find him! He's with me - but not by choice! I took him and he didn't like it!
:This message is from, and was written by, Mojo Jojo.
:'''Bubbles''': Who could have done this?
:''[Blossom and Buttercup look annoyed]''

===Episode 8A.Paste Makes Waste===
:'''Buttercup:''' '''EAT THIS, PASTE EATER!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Loyd &amp; Floyd:''' ''[frightened]'' Hey, dude........
:'''Mitch Mitchelson:''' What?!
:'''Loyd &amp; Floyd:''' Dude..... Dude....

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:'''Buttercup:''' ''[to Elmer, who has turned into a giant paste monster, and is covered in flour; sing-song voice]'' You can't stick to me! You can't stick to me! Nyah nyah nyah-nyah- ''[Elmer grows a hole in his stomach and Buttercup flies through it]'' -Nyah???

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom:''' You know what you have to do!
:'''Buttercup:''' '''No! Anything but that!'''
:'''Blossom:''' Buttercup!
:'''Buttercup:''' No, no, no, no, no! All right! '''ELMER!!'''
:'''Elmer:''' Huh?
:'''Buttercup:''' Uh…I-I-I’m…s-s-s-so-s-s-so-o-o…o-o-r-r…r-r-r-ry!
:'''Elmer:''' ''(normal voice)'' Wh-wh-what?
:'''Buttercup:''' I’m…sorry if I picked on you, and…I’m sorry if I called you a…paste eater.
:'''Elmer:''' ''(sniffs, rubs his nose, and takes Blossom and Bubbles out of the sticky glue)'' Thanks, Buttercup. That's all I ever wanted.

===Episode 8B.Ice Sore===

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:'''Bubbles''': ''(after finding out that Blossom has &quot;ice breath&quot;)'' Make the floor all ice, like in ''[[Tom and Jerry]]''! That's my favorite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Hi, Pablo!
:'''Pablo''': Blossom, how come your sisters are so mean?
:'''Blossom''': Oh, it's 'cause I have ice power and they don't and they're all jealous.
:'''Bubbles and Buttercup''': Nyah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Blossom has accidentally caused crooks to get away with her ice breath)''
:'''Buttercup''': ''(angrily)'' Way to go, Ice Princess.
:'''Bubbles''': You did a bad thing, Blossom.
:'''Blossom''': I know. ''(flies over to cops she accidentally froze)'' Sorry, Mr. Policeman. ''(flies over to citizens she accidentally froze)'' Sorry, people of Townsville. ''(flies over to a tree she accidentally froze)'' Sorry, tree. I promise, I'll never use my ice powers again.

===Episode 11A.Just Another Manic Mojo===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Now to have some breakfast! ''[finds only one egg in the fridge]'' ONE EGG LEFT?! For a nutritious breakfast, TWO eggs is the minimum requirement! And I have but ONE, which is ONE shy of TWO! And it is TWO that I need! ''Curses!'' I must immediately purchase some eggs, for I need to have breakfast, and without the eggs I cannot have the breakfast that I so require! ''[storms down the long staircase that runs to the bottom of the volcano, then suddenly skids to a halt and pats his outfit in panic]'' I have forgotten my wallet! ''Curses!'' ''[storms back up]''
:''[Cut to him returning down, to discover kids playing in his moat]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''HEY, YOU KIDS!!! GET OUT OF MY MOAT!!! IT IS NOT MADE TO BE PLAYED IN!!!''' ''[The kids ignore him, who leaves and muttering to himself]'' I must remember to destroy those kids after my breakfast has been eaten.

===Episode 12.The Rowdyruff Boys===
:''[After defeating Mojo]''
:'''Buttercup''': Give it up, Mo-joke!
:'''Bubbles''': You will never defeat us! So there! ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[resting her hands on her hips]'' The Powerpuff Girls never lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[singing]'' The Powerpuff Girls' house!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[picks up the phone]'' Hello?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Hello.  May I speak to Professor Utonium?
:'''Bubbles''': Who shall I say is calling?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no one he'd know, just a curious stranger.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[shrill call]'' PROFESSOR! There’s a stranger on the phone!
:'''Professor''': ''[picking up the phone]'' Hello, Mr. Stranger, what can I do for you?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh. ''[clears throat]'' Ah, hi, I’m calling from Townsville Community College and I’m doing a report on the Powerpuff Girls, and I was wondering, what exactly are those little girls made of?
:'''Professor''': Ah, oh, well, the Powerpuff Girls.  Oh, let’s see now, eight cups of sugar, a pinch of spice, one tablespoon of everything nice, and, now this one’s important: accidentally add a drop of Chemical X.  And voila!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': That's it?  I mean, wow. Thanks.
:'''Professor''': I also have a great recipe for pound--
:''[Mojo hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Let’s see, snips and snails and a puppy dog’s tail . . . all that leaves is Chemical X.  There must be something around here with that potency.  Aha! ''[it’s a stinky toilet]'' Yes, definitely Chemical X!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After creating three Puff-esque boys, Mojo hugs them in a fatherly manner]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Ah, my children!
:'''Brick''': ''[grabs him threateningly]'' Hands off! Who do you think you are anyway, Pops?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Why, yes, I am your '''''father''''', children!
:'''Boomer''': Hey! We ain't no babies!
:'''Rowdyruff Boys''': WE'RE THE ROWDYRUFF BOYS!
:'''Boomer''': Boomer!
:'''Brick''': Brick!
:'''Butch''': Butch!
:'''Brick''': We're here to kick some butt! And since yours is the only one around, we're gonna start with you!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no, boys.  You don’t want to kick my butt; my butt is as rotten as yours.  What you want are butts settled on the throne of justice!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Yeah!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Butts planted in the soil of nobility!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Yeah!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Butts nestled between the pillars of peace and love!  The butts you want to kick are the butts of the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''The Rowdyruff Boys''': Let's get 'em!
:'''Mojo''': I’d be glad to take you to them if we only had a way out of heeeeeeee— ''[getting picked up by Brick, and Boomer and Butch punch a hole in the ceiling, essentially busting Mojo out of jail easily]''
:'''Narrator''': Boy, oh, boy! Those boys are b-b-bad to the bone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': Hey! What's wrong with you girls?! You're supposed to start ''crying'' when we hit ya!
:'''Boomer''': Yeah!
:'''Blossom''': What are you guys, new?
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, we're the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Buttercup''': And it takes a lot more than a couple of cheap shots to make us cry!
:'''Brick''': ''[smirking]'' Well, then. I guess we'll just have to serve it up...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bubbles is thrown through a shop window]''
:'''Mr. Cooper''': Are you okay?
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah. Sorry about your window, Mr. Looper.
:'''Mr. Cooper''': That's Okay. It's Cooper! COOPER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Mayor''': And furthermore, every Wednesday shall be pretzel day!  ''[Blossom is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Blossom! ''[She slides down]'' Goodbye, Blossom.  ''[Bubbles is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Bubbles! ''[She slides down]'' Goodbye, Bubbles.  ''[Buttercup is thrown against the window of his office]'' Hello, Buttercup! ''[She slides down]'' Goodbye, Buttercup.  What sort of pretzels do you suppose the girls like, Bavarian, or tiny twists?
:'''Miss Bellum''': Sir, I think the girls may be in trouble.
:'''The Mayor''': Whatever makes you say that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Rowdyruff Boys zoom past the Powerpuff Girls, the exhaust leaves the Girls weakened and coughing]''
:'''Butch''': Good thing we had those burritos for lunch!
:'''Boomer''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, dude!
:'''Brick''': ''[snickers]'' Word! ''[fiercely]'' NOW LET'S '''FINISH THOSE SISSIES!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Bellum''': Listen. What do little boys fear more than anything in the world?
:'''Bubbles''': Bugs!
:'''Buttercup''':  No, Bubbles. That’s what ''you’re'' afraid of.
:'''Bubbles''': Oh yeah.
:'''Miss Bellum''': Girls, you have what boys fear most. Instead of fighting, try being nice.
:'''Girls''': Huh?
:'''Miss Bellum''': You know. Nice.
:'''Blossom''': I get it.
:'''Buttercup''': Ew. Gross.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the Girls magically kiss the Rowdyruff Boys, destroying them]''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' Curse you again, Powerpuff Girls! I'll be back, but next time I will not be defeated! It is ''you'' who will be defeated! And when you are defeated, it is ''you'' who will have ''lost''!
:'''Narrator''': Oh, Mojo, shut up!
:'''Blossom:''' I kinda liked kissing.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah!
:''[She and Blossom giggle]''
:'''Blossom:''' How about you, Buttercup?
:''[Buttercup starts spitting in disgust]''
:'''Buttercup:''' Yuck! Buck!
:''[Bubbles and Blossom laugh]''

==Season 2==
5 Episodes by January 1, 1999 - January 31, 2000

===Episode 1A.Stuck Up, Up, and Away===
:'''Narrator:''' The City of Townsville, and it's a shiny new day, with a shiny new limousine headed for Pokey Oaks Kindergarten.  Seems there will be a shiny new face joining the class today!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' I'll need some milk money for my first day of new school!  ''[her dad hands her some cash.]''  I suppose this will do!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Blossom has used her ice breath on a flying Princess to rid her of her superpowered suit, and she falls, crying, but Blossom catches her before she can hit the ground.]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' ''[crying]'' Why won't you let me be a Powerpuff Girl?
:'''Blossom:''' Because you're just a spoiled brat. ''[Puts Princess down]'' And being a Powerpuff Girl isn't about getting your way, or having the best stuff, or being popular or powerful. It's about using your own unique abilities to help people and the world we all live in. And you, little girl, have done nothing worthy of the name &quot;Powerpuff.&quot;

===Episode4B.You Snooze, You Lose===
:'''Bubbles''': A scavenger hunt? How terrible! I don't believe in hunting scavengers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[with bloodshot eyes and a crazed smile]'' I know who took my plans! ''[his eyes turn slowly to his left, then he suddenly points to his right]'' It was YOU! ''[a bird at his window chirps innocently]'' Well, then... it was YOU! ''[points at his telephone]'' It was ALL of you! ''[the room starts shaking]'' Ohh, the pounding, the pounding, why won't it stop?!
:''[Outside, Buttercup is knocking on his door]''
:'''Buttercup''': Why — won't — this — guy — answer?!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[throws the door open]'' '''WHAAAAAAAT?!?'''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[politely]'' Hello! Please, Mr. Mojo, sir, could we please borrow your supercharged high-tech laser, please?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Okay, okay, just don't bother me again. I'm trying to find my plans on how to destroy you.
:'''Powerpuff Girls:''' ''(with Mojo's high-tech laser)'' THANK YOU, MOJO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mojo sees the Powerpuff Girls trapped in the machine he planned, with the clueless Amoeba Boys at the control panel]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''MY MACHINE!!!'''
:'''Junior''': ''[playing with the aiming yoke]'' Duh, hey, look, Boss, I'm drivin'!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[shoves them away]'' Get out of here! This is ''my'' machine! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now I've got you, Powerpuff Girls! And it is ''my'' plan that will destroy you! And then I will rule the world!
:'''Buttercup''': Mojo, you creep!
:'''Blossom''': This is the Amoebas' plan!
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah! You’re just jealous!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[shocked and confused]'' No! No! It is mine, I tell you! I came up with the crab! And the laser! And even the chewing gum that holds you!
:'''Girls''': Chewing gum?!
:'''Blossom''': Girls! &quot;Chew&quot; thinking what I'm thinking?
:'''Bubbles, Buttercup''': ''[nodding]'' Mmm-hmm!
:''[They chew their way free and fly at Mojo, blowing huge bubbles that burst explosively, knocking him from his seat. They then give him a beatdown as per usual, and then turn to the Amoeba Boys]''
:'''Blossom''': Well, Amoeba Boys! Playing dumb all these years!
:'''Bubbles''': When all the while, you were criminal masterminds!
:'''Buttercup''': Looks like it's the big house for you!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[going ballistic]'' But it is ''I'' who planned it! ''I'' did it, not them! ''I'' am the criminal mastermind! ''I'' am the evil genius! I smart, they dumb! ''I'' am responsible for trying to destroy you!
:'''Blossom''': ''[smiling]'' Okay. Then ''you'' go to jail.
:'''Mojo''': ''[triumphantly]'' That's right!

===Episode 6A.Slave the Day===
:'''Narrator''': &quot;The city of Townsville... SMELLS&quot;?!! Say, what's going on here? &quot;The Mayor's dumb&quot;?! That's just rude!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Big Billy &quot;reads&quot; the girls a bedtime story]''
:'''Big Billy''': &quot;So the 3 Little Wolves went to the pig's house, and they said, 'FE FI FO FUM, you sure have big teeth, Grandma!' And so Hansel and the 3 Blind Mice climbed up the beanstalk to sell Mother Goose an old shoe!&quot;

===Episode 6B.Los Dos Mojos===
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[beating up Mojo Jojo]'' Take this! And that! And some of this! And one of those!
:'''Blossom:''' Buttercup, if Mojo Jojo is here, he can't possibly be the one destroying Townsville!
:'''Buttercup:''' Then who's in the Robo Jojo?
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' Why don't you see for yourself?
:''[The machine opens, revealing an amnesiac Bubbles in Mojo Jojo's clothes]''
:'''Blossom, Buttercup:''' Bubbles?!
:'''Narrator:''' Bubbles?!
:'''Mayor:''' Bubbles?!
:'''Talking Dog:''' Bubbles?!
:'''Crowd:''' Bubbles?!
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Bubbles.
:'''Bubbles:''' ''[imitating Mojo]'' I am not Bubbles! Bubbles is not who I am! I am the one, the only, single solitary doer of dastardly deeds! Purveyor of pestilence! And deliverer of lawlessness! I'm a menace to mankind! I am bad! I am evil! I am Mojo Jojo! Hahahahahahahaha!
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' ''[annoyed]'' I do not talk like that! The way I communicate is ''much'' different! I do not reiterate, repeat, reinstate the same thing over and over again! I am clear! Concise! To-the-point! I--
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[beating him up again]'' Take this! And that! And some of this! And one of those!
:'''Blossom:''' What kind of evil have you bestowed upon our sister?!
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' You've got to be kidding. I'm wet! I'm naked! Your sister is wearing my clothes! And this is all part of some evil plot... '''TO RULE THE WORLD AS A SOGGY CHIMP IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT?!?!?'''
:'''Blossom:''' Buttercup, I don't think Mojo is behind this one. That bonk to Bubbles' head must have led her to believe that she is Mojo Jojo!
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' ''[sarcastic]'' No, really? Do you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' ''[Mojo Bubbles just hit Blossom across a brick building]'' Uh-oh, Bubbles done a bad thing!
:''[An upset Blossom is about to attack Mojo Bubbles but Buttercup prevents her]''
:'''Buttercup:''' Blossom, wait! She's our sister!
:'''Blossom:''' Yeah, but that really hurt.
:'''Buttercup:''' I know, I know. But two wrongs don't make a right. She hits you, you hit her. Suddenly we’re all hitting each other, then we’ll all be right back where we started.
:'''Bubbles:''' ''[imitating Mojo Jojo]'' What's the matter, Buttercup? 'Fraid I'll whoop the skirt off you?
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[annoyed]'' Alright, let's kick her butt.
:'''Blossom:''' ''[preventing her]'' No, Buttercup. You’re right. She is our sister. And as sisters, we have an intrinsic duty; to uphold peace. Not only for the city of Townsville, but amongst ourselves.
:'''Bubbles''': ''[imitating Mojo Jojo]'' Prepare to meet your maker!
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': ''[outraged]'' You leave the professor out of this!
:''[Then the amnesiac Bubbles proceed to beat up her sisters]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' '''RIGHT ON! WE DID IT!''' We finally destroyed the Powerpuff Girls! Now there is no one to stop us! Hand in hand, we can work together! '''WE CAN RULE THE WORLD!''' Just you and me, Bubbles.
:'''Bubbles:''' ''[imitating Mojo]'' I am not Bubbles! Bubbles is not my name! For the name &quot;Bubbles&quot; is not the correct name to address me by, because it is not my name! If you were to address me by the name &quot;Mojo Jojo,&quot; that would be correct, for my name is Mojo Jojo! And I will only be addressed by that name, which is Mojo Jojo! And furthermore, it is not &quot;we&quot; who will rule the world - it is &quot;I&quot;! I, being Mojo Jojo - who is not Bubbles - shall rule this world alone, which is to say, without anybody else, and without anybody else shall I rule this world! And when this world is ruled by only one person, and not a collective group, that one person who shall be ruling the world will be none other than me, Mojo Jojo! ''[evil laugh]''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' ''[annoyed and angrily]'' &lt;Big&gt;'''Oh, SHUT UP!!!'''&lt;/Big&gt; ''[he swings a girder which hits Bubbles' head in slow-mo just as he did at the beginning of the show, knocking out Bubbles's memory, then, in normal speed, he reclaims his helmet and puts it back on]'' That's all just well enough, because in reality there is only room enough in this world for one Mojo Jojo. [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|One shall be the number of Mojo Jojos in the world, and the number of Mojo Jojos in the world shall be one! Two Mojo Jojos is too many, and three is right out!]] So, the only Mojo Jojo there is room for in the world SHALL BE ME! ''(echoing)'' And being the only Mojo Jojo in the world, I will rule the world, in which there is ''only one'' '''MOJO JOJO!!!''' ''[evil laugh]''
:'''Bubbles:''' ''[regains consciousness as her normal self]'' What happened? ''[sees all the damages she did as Mojo Jojo, then gasps]'' There is only one evildoer who could've done this to Townsville, and that's... ''[notices Mojo laughing]'' MOJO JOJO! ''[proceeds to attack him]''
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[pointing]'' Look!
:'''Blossom:''' It looks like Bubbles is back to her sweet old self again.
:'''Buttercup:''' That's good. ’Cause there certainly isn't enough room in the world for ''two'' Mojo Jojos.
:'''Blossom:''' I heard that!
:'''Narrator:''' Yeah, and so did we - over a million times! We get it already! And so once again, the day is saved, thanks to Mojo Bubbles...er the Powerpuff... Ah, heck, the day was saved. ''[imitating Mojo]'' So says me, the Narrator. So-called because I speak the narrative of the story! I advance the plot! I begin and end each episode of ''The Powerpuff Girls!'' '''''Me! The Narrator!'''''

===Episode 7A.Very Special Blossom===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Ahhh! My master is completed! Happy father's day! My captian, I wish you were here to enjoy
:''(Blossom crashes in and made Mojo scream in bloody hell as Blossom tides Mojo's body with tape)''
:''(Scene changes to a prison)''
:'''Buttercup''': It's Blossom!
:'''Blossom''': Look! I can explain everything! The professor shouldn't be in jail for stealing any golf clubs! It's all Mojo's fault!
:''(Mojo muffles a protest that he didn't do it)''
:'''Mayor''': I say, Chief. We made a terrible mistake. Didn't we?
:'''Buttercup''': ''(angrily)'' Wait a minute, Blossom! You told me you found those clubs! Which is it? Did you find them? Or did he sell it to you? Come on, Blossom! TELL THE TRUTH!
:'''Bubbles''': YEAH! YOU BIG FAT LIAR!
:'''Buttercup''': COME ON!!!
:'''Professor''': Please, Tell the truth, Blossom!
:'''Buttercup''': ''(as Blossom whimpers then tries to escape from her punishment)'' WATCH OUT!
:'''Bubbles''': She is getting away!
:'''Buttercup''': COME BACK HERE, AND QUIT LYING!
:''(They finally caught Blossom)''
:'''Blossom''': ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! ''(regretfully)'' I did it. I stole the golf clubs.
:'''Professor''': But why, Blossom! Why?!?!
:'''Blossom''': Because you wanted it so much, And I just wanted to make you happy!
:'''Professor''': It's all my fault! ''(voice breaks down)'' I put too much value in a material item, instead of the love of you girls.
:'''Blossom''': And that's what drove a crime!
:'''Professor''': Oh, Mayor, please...go easy on Blossom. She's sorry. ''(to Blossom)'' Aren’t you, honey?
:'''Blossom''': ''(whines)'' Yes!
:'''Mayor''': What do you say, Officer? It is her first offense!
:'''Police Officer''': ''(as his voice breaks down)'' This is very sad. ''(angrily)'' BUT THE LAW IS THE LAW!
:''(We see Blossom's mugshot)''
:'''Narrator''': Blossom was sentenced to 300 hours of community service. This was a harsh reminder to herself and all that crime doesn't pay.
:'''Blossom''': Boy, you can say that again.
:'''Father Bird''': Well, it doesn't!
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Father Bird''': I said it doesn't!
:''(The baby birds agree to their father)''
:'''Narrator''': So once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls! ''(we see Bubbles and Buttercup very angry at Blossom in a prison inmate uniform)'' Well, Two of them at least.
:''(Bubbles and Buttercup leave as we see Blossom behind bars)''

===Episode 7B.Daylight Savings===
:'''The Time Channel announcer:''' Welcome to the time channel, where we give you up-to-the-minute time, 24 hours a day. Up next, the current time. Hello. I’m Sonny Dial, here to bring you the latest time. But first, I hope all of you remembered that last night was Daylight Savings, which means everyone sets their clocks back by one hour. That makes our current time 6:41. I’ll be back at 6:42 with the up-to-the-minute time.
:'''Professor:''' ''(realizing as he checks all the clock including his watch'') CRIKEY! I FORGOT TO SET THE CLOCKS BACK! ''(kicks down the bedroom door, turns on the light, rushes to the bed pulling covers away)'' Girls, wake up! GIRLS, WAKE UP!!! ''(slamming hotline receiver in cradle repeatedly)'' Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! ''(grabs mattress)'' Get out of bed! NOW! ''(flips the mattress; the girls are now awake, and he's panting frantically)'' Daylight savings, clocks wrong, forty-five minutes, save Townsville now!
:'''Blossom''': But what about our curfew?
:'''Professor''': There's no time! ''(throws them out their windows one at a time)'' GO! GO! GO!

===Episode 11A.Twisted Sister===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Blossom''': The first thing we need is sugar.
:'''Bubbles''': I'll get it! ''[Dashes on the left]''
:'''Blossom''': And spice.
:'''Buttercup''': I'm on it! ''[Dashes on the right]''
:'''Blossom''': Next you need...
:'''Bubbles''': ''[Comes back with a sweet powder]'' I couldn't find any sugar, but I did find an artificial sweetener.
:'''Blossom''': That's okay. Next you need...
:'''Buttercup''': ''[Comes back with dirt, twigs and leaves]'' I didn't know where to get spices, so I got dirt and twigs and stuff.
:'''Blossom''': Well, that's kinda like spices. Put it in. Now, next you need...everything nice!
:'''Girls''': Oh, boy! ''[The three fly out]''
:'''Bubbles''': Crayons are nice.
:'''Blossom''': Books are nice.
:'''Buttercup''': Lizards are nice!
:'''Bubbles''': I like flowers.
:'''Blossom''' Computers are good.
:'''Buttercup''': A football!
:'''Bubbles''': Stuffed animals!
:'''Blossom''': A calculator.
:'''Buttercup''': A mackerel.
:'''Bubbles''': More flowers.
:'''Blossom''': A compass.
:'''Buttercup''': Boxing gloves.
:'''Bubbles''': Ribbon!
:'''Blossom''': Art.
:'''Buttercup''': Band aids.
:'''Bubbles''': A smiley face.
:'''Blossom''': A globe.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[Punches the bowl]'' A knuckle sandwich!
:'''Blossom''': Okay. The final and most important step is to accidentally add Chemical X to the concoction.
:''[The girls make awkward faces and dash out and Blossom holds a beaker that looks like Chemical X]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, look at what I found, girls. Chemical X.
:'''Bubbles''': Be careful with that Chemical X.
:'''Buttercup''': Yes, Blossom. Whatever you do, do not drop that Chemical X.
:'''Blossom''': Don't worry, I wo...''[Drops the beaker]'' Whoops! I accidentally dropped the Chemical X. And it fell into the concoction.
:'''Girls''': Oh, no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Hurry, girls, hurry! You created a monster! 
:'''Girls''': Bunny!
:'''Bunny''': Wha?
:'''Bubbles''': What have you done?
:'''Bunny''': Bunny do good! Bunny do good!
:'''Buttercup''': No, Bunny do bad. Very bad!
:'''Bunny''': Bad?
:'''Blossom''': Yes, bad. You were supposed to fight crime, not help start it. I guess you're not cut out to be a Powerpuff Girl after all.
:'''Bunny''': No Powawull?
:'''Girls''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': Wha...Wh-Wh-Wh-What happened?
:'''Blossom''': Bunny saved us!
:'''Buttercup''': But...where is she?
:''[A part of Bunny's dress lands in front of them]''
:'''Girls''': ''[gasp]'' Bunny!
:'''Bubbles''': Oh no! She exploded!
:'''Buttercup''': But why?
:'''Blossom''': I guess she was unstable, and the blast broke her down into her original ingredients. 
:'''Bubbles''': She was good after all... ''[starts to cry]'' ''We'' were the ones who were bad.
:''[They hang their heads in shame.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:''[At the end of the episode]''
:'''Narrator''': [''crying hard for a few seconds''] Oh, it's so sad, I can't take it. And so, for the first...and final time...the day is saved, thanks to Powerpuff Bunny! 
:'''Bunny''': Powawul!
:'''Narrator''': ''[crying harder for a few more seconds]'' Oh, why? WHY?!?...Oh, go to a commercial!

===Episode 11B.Cover Up===
:''[holding a blanket to her cheek]''
:'''Buttercup''': I am a good fighter. I am a good fighter.  I am a good fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[after crying and pounding the counter in frustration]'' Where's my blanket?!
:'''Bubbles:''' We don't have time for this, Buttercup.
:'''Blossom:''' ''[worried]'' Townsville is in trouble.
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[losing it completely]'' '''''NOOOOOOOO!!'' I NEED MY BLANKET!!'''

===Episode 12A.Speed Demon===
:'''Him''': ''[laughs; effeminate]'' Don't you know the faster you go, time slows down? Your time stopped for fifty years whilst you were out racing around. 
:'''Blossom''': I know that voice!
:'''Him''': Seconds, minutes, hours, days and nights all crawl by on hands and knees as you race the speed of light.
:''[Him has now emerged. The Girls gasp in horror]''
:'''Him''': Yes! Coming back now? Remember?
:''[Buttercup remembers her dare to her sisters: &quot;So - which of you slowpokes wants to race me home?&quot;]''
:'''Buttercup''': No!
:'''Him''': Yes! As you raced through time, the whole world went to ''[demonic]'' '''Heck!'''
:'''Blossom''': You lie! Don't believe him, Girls!
:''[The Girls severely attack and batter Him, but he seems totally unaffected]''
:'''Him''': Are you finished?
:'''Buttercup''': No, but ''you'' are!
:'''Blossom''': Don't you know you can never beat us?
:'''Him''': Beat you? ''[eyes start glowing]'' But girls, don't you see? I've ''[demonic]'' '''already  ''WON!'''''
:''[He transforms into the larger, more terrifying monster version of himself]''
:'''Him''': The beauty lies in the blame, because ''[demonic]'' '''it's ''your'' fault for leaving! Just ask your friends.'''
:'''Citizens''': ''[variously]'' Powerpuff Girls. You did this? You did this?
:'''Blossom''': No!
:'''Him''': All ''I'' did was take over. ''[demonic]'' '''It was ''easy!'''''
:'''Citizens''': Why'd you leave us, Powerpuff Girls? Why? You weren't here to protect us. You weren't here. It's your fault. ''[chanting]'' Your fault.
:'''Blossom''': What have we done?!
:''[Him laughs demonically]''
:'''Citizens''': ''[still chanting]'' Your fault.
:'''Buttercup''': No. No! NO!
:'''Bubbles''': WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!? ''[begins to cry]''
:''[The Powerpuff Girls, screaming in defiance, fly into space, then dive back to earth at supersonic speeds, thus going back in time]''
:'''Citizen''': Hi, girls!
:'''BB''': Hi!
:'''Ms. Keane''': Hi, girls!
:'''BB''': Hi!
:'''Mayor''': Hi, girls!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Hi, girls!
:''[the Girls sorrowfully hug the professor and explained what happened during their speedy time travel]''

==Season 3==
5 Episodes by February 2, 2000 - December 31, 2001

===Episode 0A.Helter Shelter===

===Episode 0B.Moxy===

===Episode 1A.Fallen Arches===

===Episode 1B.The Mane Event===

===Episode 2A.Town and Out===
:'''Proffessor''': ''(taking his head to the opended window)'' I love this town!!!!! ''(echoing)''
:'''Man''': ''(off-screen,angry)'' Ahh shut up ya jerk !!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Citiesville Mayor''': ''(quietly, sternly)'' Let me tell you some words. At what point did it seem like a good idea to blow up the Cityville Bridge? 
:'''Blossom''': Uhh...
:'''Citiesville Mayor''': ''(waves his index finger at the girls)'' No! ''(getting off desk)'' Do you realize the two crooks that you caught stole approximately ''(holds up four fingers on the word &quot;four&quot;)'' four hundred dollars? ''(with intensifying rage)'' Do you realize that you did over three ''(and pounds the desk on the word &quot;million&quot;)'' '''''MILLION DOLLARS IN PROPERTY DAMAGE TO THAT BRIDGE?!''''' '''''IT'S NOT REPLACEABLE!''''' ''(a scared Blossom blinks up at him, and he sighs as he looks despondently out his window at the destroyed bridge, much calmer now, but still very upset)'' Also, that bridge is — or ''was'' — a historical landmark. ''(unfurling flag on pole)'' I mean, it's on our flag, for Pete's sakes! It's also the main thoroughfare into the city! ''(dropping flag)'' Nobody actually lives in Citiesville! ''(voice trailing into tears)'' They commute! ''(cries for a moment, then quickly pulls himself together to turn back and glare at the girls, holding up a piece of paper)'' This is a bill prohibiting the use of superpowers in the town of Citiesville. ''(signing it)'' You're hereby forbidden by law to use any of your powers within the city limits. ''(hands the document to the girls and points at the door, menacingly)'' Now, get out of my sight!

===Episode 2B.Child Fearing===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Prepare your taste buds delight! For I, Mojo Jojo, am not only the number one villain in Townsville, but I am also... number one chef in Townsville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If...I were a bunny I'd...HOP, HOP, HOP! HOP, HOP, HOP! HOP, HOP, HOP! HOP, HOP, HOP!
:''(The Girls hop, shaking the floor and waking Mojo up)''
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If...I were a rhino I'd...STOMP, STOMP, STOMP! STOMP, STOMP, STOMP! STOMP, STOMP, STOMP!
:''(The Girls stomp, upsetting Mojo even more)''
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If...I were a fish I would...SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! 
:''[The Girls scream, making Mojo cover his ears in irritation]''
:'''Blarney Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' Okay, lads and lasses. Now let's all join in.
:''(The Girls look towards Mojo deviously)''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''(terrified)'' Oh no, no-! ''(they grab him)''
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If I were a log, I'd ROLL! ROLL! ROLL!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''(as the Girls roll him across the floor)'' STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WAIT!
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)''If I were a ball, I'd BOUNCE! BOUNCE! BOUNCE!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''(as the Girls dribble him like a ball)'' HELP! I DO NOT LIKE THIS!
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If I were a rake, I'd RAKE! RAKE! RAKE!
:''(The Girls take Mojo outside and rake the lawn with his teeth)''
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If I were a hammer, I'd POUND! POUND! POUND!
:'(The Girls slam Mojo upside-down onto a block of wood)''
:'''Blarney the Sea Serpent''': ''(on television)'' If I were a candle, I'd...
:'''Mojo Jojo''': '''ENOOOOUUUUGH!!!''' I HAVE HAD IT!! ''(seizes the Girls and takes them upstairs)'' IT'S...TIME...FOR...'''BEEEEEED!!!''' ''(tosses them into bed)'' Whew! Finally, Mojo get peace.
:'''Buttercup''': Where are you going?
:''(Cut to the girls in bed, now wearing their nightgowns)''
:'''Bubbles''': Aren't you going to read us a story?
:'''Blossom''': We can't sleep without a story!
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah!
:''(We pull back to show Mojo at the doorway, crying and whimpering, his back to the girls. Then he turns around)''
:'''Mojo''': ''(begging)'' All right! ''(kneeling)'' But only if you go to sleep! ''(the girls nod and point toward the side of the bed. He sits down on a stool there)'' Very well, then. I will tell you my favorite story...ABOUT THE GREATEST CONQUEROR WHO EVER LIVED! [[w:Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]! ''[he envisions himself as Napoleon]'' He was a mighty man, feared by all who looked up to him. Using his genius and his loyal army, he conquered all of Europe, then all of Russia, and finally the whole world. The end.
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': ''[sing-song voice]'' BO-RING!
:''[Mojo's vision is shattered]''
:'''Blossom''': Your story's all wrong! Napoleon's 1807 seizure of Portugal and the subsequent Rebellion by the Spaniards cost France over 300,000 casualties, untold sums of money, and contributed to the eventual weakening of the Napoleonic Empire! ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''
:'''Bubbles''': And your analysis on the Invasion of Russia is also incorrect! Napoleon's invasion of 1812 resulted in ''massive'' casualties of his troops, due to starvation and inclement conditions, and ended in a disastrous retreat from Moscow with his army ''defeated!'' ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah, dummy! And when he returned to France, the Allied Nations of Europe united against him, which led to his eventual defeat at the Battle of Waterloo on June 18, 1815, whereafter he was exiled to the island of St. Helena, where he died a ''miserable'' death from stomach cancer on May 5, 1821, stupid! ''[whacks Mojo with her pillow]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': If I were a narrator, I'd end this show! And so once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!

===Episode 3.Criss Cross Crisis===
:'''Buttercup ''(in the Professor's body)''''': Bubbles, come on!
:'''Bubbles ''(in the Mayor's body)''''': I'm not going!
:'''Blossom ''(in Ms. Bellum's body)''''': What are you talking about?
:'''Bubbles ''(in the Mayor's body)''''': ''(softly)'' I'm not going out there
:'''Buttercup ''(in the Professor's body)''''': ''(scoffs)'' Why not?
:''(Bubbles, in the Mayor's body, begins to sob)''
:'''Blossom ''(in Ms. Bellum's body)''''': Well?
:'''Bubbles ''(in the Mayor's body)''''': ''(turns on light and reveals bald spot)'' I'M BALD!
:'''Buttercup ''(in the Professor's body)''''': ''(scoffs)'' Ugh, you're so sensitive!
:'''Blossom ''(in Ms. Bellum's body)''''': Don't be silly, you're not bald. You have plenty of hair, see? Look. ''(combs Bubbles in the Mayor's body's hair)'' There, now you look just like a normal person.
:'''Bubbles ''(in the Mayor's body)''''': Really? Do I, Professor?
:'''Professor ''(in Buttercup's body)''''': Uhm...yeah! You look great! Right, Mr. Mayor?
:'''Mayor ''(in Bubbles' body)''''': Yeah, sure. Whatever
:'''Bubbles ''(in the Mayor's body)''''': OK, let's go!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo ''(in an old lady's body)''''': ''(laughing evily)'' A priceless vase, and I have taken it for myself without paying! Hey, what's that sound? Oh, it's so familiar. Hmm,  it's on the tip of my tongue. Ah, oh of course it's the... Oh, The Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Girls ''(in Ms. Bellum, the Mayor and the Professor's bodies)''''': That's right, Mojo!
:'''Mojo Jojo ''(in the old lady's body)''''': Mojo? But I'm just an old lady!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo ''(in the old lady's body)''''': It's polyduranium fibroid, you can't break it. You're trapped and TOTALLY HELPLESS! ''[laughing evilly]''
:'''Girls ''(in Ms. Bellum, the Mayor and the Professor's bodies)''''': You forgot one thing, Mojo!
:'''Mojo Jojo ''(in the old lady's body)''''': What? ''(the girls hit him with a laser)'' Ow, oh, ow, ow... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh ow.

===Episode 4A.Bubblevision===
:'''Professor''': Bubbles, you look super.

===Episode 13A.Helter Shelter===
:'''Blossom''': All right, Bubbles! What animal do you have hiding in there?!
:'''Bubbles''': He's not an animal, ''[opens the door and shows a blue whale in their bedroom]'' he's a mammal!

===Episode 7A.Jewel of the Aisle===
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': ''[Sing-song voice]'' Lucky Captain Rabbit King! Lucky Captain Rabbit King! Lucky Captain Rabbit King!
:'''Thief''': ''[disguised as Lucky Captain Rabbit King]'' All right, cool it down! Cool it down. Now, uh... ''[clears his throat]'' Listen up. The Captain and Tennille has a headache. I'm just here for some cereal, then I'll be on my way.
:''(The thief reaches for the box of Lucky Captain Rabbit King Nuggets, but Blossom swipes it before he can grab it)''
:'''Blossom''': You think we're that stupid?
:'''Buttercup''': We know you have to try and trick us.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, just like in the commercials!
:'''Buttercup''': So don't come back until you've got something good! ''[slams the door in the thief's face. A moment later, the doorbell rings and she answers it]''
:'''Thief''': ''[in his fake deep voice]'' Hey, did you guys just see my twin brother?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[slams the door in his face again]'' Weak!

===Episode 7B.Super Zeroes===
:''[The Powerpuff Girls, inspired by their favorite superheroes from their comics, and calling themselves Liberty Belle, Harmony Bunny and Mange, are attempting to fight a monster, but are unable to harm it, much to the monster's annoyance]''
:'''Monster''': STOP!!
:'''Blossom''': What?
:'''Bubbles''': What?
:'''Buttercup''': Huh?
:'''Monster''': Better heroes, huh? Listen, girls. My name is Steve. I'm a monster. I've been coming here for three days causing all sorts of damage to your town, and what do I get? Two days of no-shows, and now this: A flag girl who does rope tricks, some rabbit, and Little Miss Darkness who's afraid of a little sun.
:'''Buttercup''': Hey, do you have any idea who you're talking to?
:'''Bubbles''': We're superheroes!
:'''Blossom''': Real ones!
:'''Steve the Monster''': You know, that's great and all. But, what am I supposed to tell all the guys back at Monster Isle? You see, when a monster visits Townsville, he must fight the Powerpuff Girls. And if he can hold his own and make it back to Monster Isle alive, he's a hero. Now, this new bit is just not gonna cut it. Sure, you didn't have a thirst for vengeance, stickers with faces on them, or souped-up vehicles, 'cause you didn't need them. You see, even if you take away the costumes, props and angst... ''[takes all of the Girls' costumes off, revealing them in their normal Powerpuff outfits]'' you still have all the bravery and courage it takes to save the day. So, what do you say, Powerpuff Girls?
:'''Blossom''': Let's get him!
:'''Steve the Monster''': Now, that's better.
:''[He gets beat up by the Girls]''
:'''Narrator''': So, once again, the day is saved...with no thanks to Liberty Belle, Harmony Bunny, or Mange...but to the one and only Powerpuff Girls!

===Episobe 12B.Meet the Beat-Alls===
:'''Mojo Jojo''': The city of Townsville. I hate you! I do not enjoy the fact that three superhero female children take up residence in you! And by hurting me and forcing me to dwell in one of your correctional facilities, these mutant infant girls prevent me from obtaining political control of you! But you will be mine, and they will most certainly...
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate voice)'' Pay! I have been made a fool by you for the last time. But as they say, all good things must come to an end. And your end is...
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''(talking to her father)'' Tonight! Think of it as an investment toward your future. If I don't destroy the Powerpuff Girls tonight, I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU A DAY OF PEACE UNTIL I...
:''(Cut to Fuzzy trying to sing)''
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': Doo... doo-doo-doo... ''(hits only wrong notes)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Jo. I can't play you purty tonight. I got them derned Powerpuffs in my noodle! And they make me so mad I wanna...
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''(stomping through the streets in his robot walker)'' Destroy them I will! Tonight is the night in which...
:'''Him''': Your reign of goodness will end. ''(grows much taller)'' And my reign of ''(demonic voice)'' '''evil shall...'''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''(flying around with her jet thrusters)'' Begin to take hold, as I take over...
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': ''(running around carrying a large rock)'' Townsville ain't gonna be no more after I get them Powerpuff....
:'''Professor Utonium''': Girls, time for bed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All four villains showed up at the Powerpuff Girls' house unexpectedly)''
:'''Fuzzy Lumpkins''': Hey! What are y'all doing here?
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Well, I'm here to destroy the Powerpuff Girls. And I can only assume that these two losers are here to watch a master at work.
:'''Him''': ''(demonic)'' '''Listen, you pathethic primate! It is I who shall destroy the Powerpuff Girls, not you!''' ''(effeminate)'' So, why not run along and have a banana?
:'''Mojo''': Oh, that is a misconception! Just because I am a monkey does not mean I'm a banana addict!
:''(Him and Mojo begin to argue, until Princess Morbucks stops them)''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Quiet! Now, listen. It doesn't matter that you get all your little gadgets, or that you're the ultimate evil. All that matters is that I destroy the Powerpuff Girls! Which I will, because I have the most powerful power in the whole wide world. COLD HARD CASH!
:'''Mojo''': She has a point there.
:'''Him''': Yes, she does.
:''(Pause)''
:'''Mojo''': But, still...
:'''Him''': Yeah!
:''(They resume arguing, along with Princess)''
:'''Fuzzy''': Hey, I wanna fight, too.
:''(He joins in the argument, but the girls woke up angrily and fly out of their windows)''
:'''Bubbles''': ''(shouting)'' '''''SHUT UP!!!!'''''
:'''Blossom''': We're trying to sleep!
:'''Buttercup''': We'll kick your butts tomorrow.
:'''Mojo''': IT'S...
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' THE...
:'''Princess''': GIRLS!
:'''Fuzzy''': GET 'EM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After all four villains end up defeating the Powerpuff Girls)''
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' Did we just do what I think we did?
:'''Mojo''': Yes. Individually, we have failed time and again. But together, we are victorious!
:'''Princess''': I propose we join forces, and merge into one super-villain conglomerate!
:'''Fuzzy''': Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup? We beat 'em? We beat all of 'em?
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' That's it! We will be known as...the Silver Beat-Alls!
:'''Mojo''': No. Too fancy. We shall be known as...the Beat-Alls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Utonium''': Girls! Girls! I read the news today. Oh boy...
:'''Blossom''': ''(reading)'' 'Beat-Alls crash Mr Kite's benefit. Powerpuffs nowhere in sight.' So what?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Oh, girls... Yesterday all our troubles seemed so far away. Now it seems as though they're here to stay. Sitting here eight days a week, everyone seems to think you're lazy. I don't care, I think they're crazy. But you used to be running everywhere at such a speed! Now you think there's no need.
:'''Buttercup''': There isn't!
:'''Bubbles''': If we can't stop the Beat-Alls...
:'''Blossom''': We're never saving the day again.
:'''Professor Utonium''': Oh, you can't do that. What will Townsville do when they look for the girls with the sun in their eyes and they're gone?
:'''Blossom''': But what can we do?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Well, first of you have to realize that the Beat-Alls are just a rock band.
:'''Girls''': Huh?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Fuzzy, he does that- that- rock thing. But that's not important. What ''is'' important is this: Mojo Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it couldn't last. He's just getting by with a little help from his friends.
:'''Buttercup''': Are you saying we should try to break up the Beat-Alls?
:'''Bubbles''': Is that possible?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Sure. I'm certain that it happens all the time.
:'''Girls''': But how?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Listen: Do you want to know a secret? ''(whispers in the girls ears)''
:'''Narrator''': Sounds like the Professor has some magical mystery tricks up his sleeve!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mojo and his new girlfriend, Moko Jono, are both screeching loudly. Him, Princess and Fuzzy are covering their ears]''
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' Mojo?! Mojo?! ''(demonic)'' '''MOJO!'''
:'''Mojo''': WHAT?!
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' I still don't get it!
:'''Mojo''': The louder you yell, the more pain it causes the listener! AND! THEIR! PAIN! IS! OUR! PLEASURE!!!
:'''Him''': ''(demonic)'' ''' MOJO, ''YOU'RE'' THE PAIN!'''
:'''Fuzzy''': YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!
:'''Princess''': WE QUIT!
:'''Mojo''': WHAT?!
:'''Him, Princess and Fuzzy''': ''WE QUIT!''
:'''Mojo''': GOOD, GOOD! BUT EVEN LOUDEEEEER!
:''(Him, Princess and Fuzzy leave in annoyance)''
:'''Fuzzy''': Now what do we do?
:'''Him''': ''(effeminate)'' Let's [[w:Get Back|get back to where we once belonged]].

==Season 4==
===Him Diddle Riddle [4.1]===
:''[After the girls solve the first riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Congratulations! One down, eight to go. And remember, you must solve these riddles within the time limit. Fail in any aspect and ''[demonic voice]'' '''the Professor will pay!'''
:'''Buttercup''': You tell us where the Professor is, Him!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Ah-ah-ah. You've brought joy to the people for so many years. Now to their eyes, you must bring tears. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got two minutes.'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the second riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Very clever! Oh, you got that one without trying. Now do this without flying! Go to the corner of Chang and Ching, there on the street the phone will ring. What then, you might ask? Answer the phone to get your next task. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got three minutes!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the third riddle]''
:'''Blossom''': We did it, Him. Now what?
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, well. Presidential Fitness Awards all around. ''[demonic]'' '''Now let's excercise your brain!''' ''[effeminate]'' Train A left Pokey Oaks train station at 11:40 at a hundred miles per hour. Train B left Norwalk Station 10 minutes later at 90 miles per hour heading towards Train A. ''[demonic]'' '''Where will they collide?'''
:'''Bubbles''': Math?! I hate math!
:'''Blossom''': Bubbles! Think of the Professor!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' You've got one minute!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''[Blossom is doing math on an abacus after Him tells her that she's got 1 minute]''
:'''Buttercup''': Can't you abacus any faster?
:'''Blossom''': &quot;Abacus&quot; my butt!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the fourth riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, girls, you caught these two trains right on time.
:'''Blossom''': We're finished with this nonsense, Him! Now where's the Professor?
:'''Him''': But I've only just started! In the ear of corn, you will find happiness, joy, and the ties that bind. Squirrels store nuts and birds sing songs, but in the Cave of Eternity, everyone's wrong. On the limb of a tree, there's a monkey who's free, and there he will give you something for me. ''[demonic]'' '''You've got two minutes; 45 seconds!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the fifth riddle, which ironically, took place during the commercial break. The girls are panting from exhaustion as Him licks an ice cream]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' I can't believe you got that one right! ''[resumes licking]'' You got the right flavor and everything! ''[resumes licking]''
:'''Blossom''': We'd go to the ends of the Earth for the Professor!
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Touching.''' ''[effeminate]'' Now here's something I hope you'll really enjoy!
:''[Two Ms. Keanes are tied in a rope, hanging on top of a vat of boiling sharks]''
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Ms. Keane!
:'''Him''': Yes'm! The real Ms. Keane will tell you the truth. The fake one will tell you a lie. Discover which is your beloved teacher and she'll be saved. Fail, and they both will be dropped into this vat of boiling sharks.
:'''Ms. Keanes''': Girls, help!
:'''Him''': You may ask them only one question. So make it count! ''[demonic]'' '''45 seconds! Go!'''
:'''Bubbles''': This one’s easy! All we have to do is ask which one is the real Ms. Keane.
:'''Blossom''': Not quite, Bubbles. The one that lies will just tell us she’s the real Ms. Keane.
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah, don’t be stupid, Bubbles. I’ll just ask which one wants a knuckle sandwich!
:'''Blossom''': Same problem, Buttercup. We need a question they’ll have to answer differently.
:'''Bubbles''': I know, I know! Let’s ask what their favorite color is.
:'''Buttercup''': And just where will that get us?
:'''Bubbles''': I bet it'd be nice to know.
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Not so easy, is it? ''[demonic]'' '''Time’s running out.''' 
:'''Blossom''': Ooh, ooh! I know, I know! Ms. Keanes... who will the other Ms. Keane say is the real Ms. Keane?
:''[The two Keanes exchange a nervous glance]''
:'''Keane 2''': She would say that I was the real Ms. Keane!
:'''Keane 1''': And she would say that she was the real Ms. Keane!
:'''Blossom''': It’s so apparent! It’s obvious that the liar would say that the real Ms. Keane would say that the fake Ms. Keane is the real Ms. Keane. And conversely, the real Ms. Keane would say that the fake Ms. Keane would say she is the real Ms. Keane. So therefore, the real Ms. Keane is none other than... number two! ''[Bubbles and Buttercup look at Him who is stunned]''
:'''Him''': ''[shrugs]'' She’s right.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the sixth riddle]''
:'''Blossom''': Bring on the next riddle, evil dude! I'm smoking!
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''You think you're so smart?''' ''[makes himself and the girls appear at Pokey Oaks Kindergarten classroom; effeminate]'' Then let's see how good you are on the SAT's!
:''[Bubbles and Buttercup glare at Blossom]''
:'''Him''': Considering your educational level, you must collectively score 100 points. ''[demonic]'' '''You have one minute. Begin.'''
:''[Buttercup chews nervously on her pencil, Blossom breezes by it, Bubbles start to fill in the scan-tron in the shape of a flower]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Time's up! Put your #2 pencils down and pass your papers forward. Let's start with Buttercup's results, shall we?
:''[Ding]''
:'''Him''': 25.
:'''Blossom''': Haha!
:'''Him''': Next, Blossom's.
:''[Ding]''
:'''Him''': 10.
:'''Blossom''': What?!
:'''Buttercup''': Ha!
:'''Him''': And finally, Bubbles. 
:''[Holds up test]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, no...
:'''Buttercup''': The Professor's a goner!
:''[Bubbles' score is 1075, much to everyone's surprise]''
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Buttercup''': Huh?
:'''Him''': Huh?
:'''Bubbles''': Ha!
:'''Him''': Well, I'll be darned. ''[demonic]'' '''You will not defeat me, you little brats! The Professor ''will'' pay!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the seventh riddle, a lizard monster appears in the city]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Let's see if you can defeat this monster.
:'''Blossom''': No problem.
:'''Him''': Ah-ah-ah. You didn't let me finish. You must get rid of this little guy without using your superpowers.
:'''Blossom''': Again, no problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the eighth riddle]''
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''NO!!! You brats shouldn't have gotten this far!'''
:'''Blossom''': One riddle left, Him, and the Professor is good as ours!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' We'll see, won't we? You will find your Professor when you solve this last rhyme: &quot;Where is boiling and freezing at the same time?&quot;. ''[Laughs]'' The Professor ''[demonic]'' '''''will'' pay!''' ''[effeminate]'' 30 seconds.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the girls solve the final riddle, they confront Him at the Otto Time Restaurant, where the Professor is also at]''
:'''Blossom''': They're at the at the Otto Time Diner! ''[looks at the clock]'' And we're out of time! ''[The girls bust through the door]'' Okay, Him! Hand over the Professor!
:'''Professor''': Girls!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Too late, girls. You failed. ''[demonic]'' '''The Professor is going to pay!''' ''[laughs]''
:'''Professor''': No!
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': Professor...
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Time to pay.''' ''[suddenly rings up a cash register; effeminate]'' That'll be 7.95, please.
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[stunned]'' Say wha...?!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' You see, I bet the Professor here a free breakfast if you girls could solve all my riddles. But you failed. ''[demonic]'' '''And now he has to pay full price!'''
:'''Professor''': Here's your money, Him. Your flapjacks are good, but not that good. I'm never eating here again! Come on, girls. Let's go eat at the other restaurant.
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Wait! Wait, come back! I'll make my flapjacks cheaper!
:'''[The Powerpuff Girls stare at the camera, stunned and confused]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[just as confused]'' And so...hmm...ugh... yeah.

===Flim Flam [4.2]===

===All Chalked Up [4.3]===
:'''Bubbles''': Huh?...Hey! You erased my drawing!
:'''Mitch''': Um...sorry. ''[Buttercup now stands nearby]''
:'''Buttercup''': What are you apologizing for?! She shouldn’t draw her stupid pictures on the blacktop if she doesn’t want ’em played on!
:'''Bubbles''': I have every right that you do to be here!
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! Well, I don’t—
:'''Bubbles''': I don’t care what you think!
:'''Buttercup''': A playground is for playing!
:'''Bubbles''': And drawing is playing, you ninny!
:''[They start to argue at full voice, and other kids turn to watch. Blossom does likewise]''
:'''Blossom''': Huh?
:'''Children''': Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
:''[As they chant, they gather in a ring around the two squabbling sisters. Blossom, floating behind the group, moves in for a closer look and then pushes her way to the front]''
:''[Blossom breaks up a fight between Bubbles and Buttercup over drawing over a playground]''
:'''Blossom''': All right, break it up, break it up! What's going on here?
:'''Bubbles''': Well, she started it!
:'''Buttercup''': She was the one drawing all over the place!
:''[Buttercup and Bubbles resume arguing with each other]''
:'''Blossom''': SHUT UP! ''[Bubbles and Buttercup stop arguing]'' Bubbles, you first.
:'''Bubbles''': Well, I was just minding my own business, drawing--
:'''Buttercup''': You see?
:'''Blossom''': Buttercup, let Bubbles finish!
:'''Mitch''': Just fight already!
:'''Bubbles''': Buttercup has to share the blacktop just like everyone else.
:'''Blossom''': That sounds fair to me.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[losing it]'' No way! I'm not sharing nothing! This is the playground! There's plenty of paper in the classroom! She doesn't need to fill the blacktop with her scribbles! You know what I think of Bubbles and her drawings?! YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?!! ''[Destroys Bubbles' chalk by crushing it]'' That's what I think.
:''[Bubbles looks down at the fragments and drops to her knees, her head bowed in sadness. A moment later, she lifts her face, now rearranged into an expression of raw anger. Cut to behind her as she slowly rises to her feet and Buttercup smirks at her. We hear her breathing hard, and in a close-up, she is sweating buckets and looking as if about to go over the edge once and for all. She snarls and reaches toward her sister as if to strike her, but the fury evaporates in an instant, unable to bring herself to do it. It is replaced by a desperate struggle to keep her composure, whimpering as her wobbling mouth and the tears leaking from her tightly closed eyes readily attest. After several seconds of unbearable tension, her self-control completely shatters and she explodes. The camera follows her as she flees the scene and heads into the woods, crying all the while. Overhead view of a tree stump in a small clearing. She flies in and collapses by it, face down on its surface, to cry herself out]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bubbles is exploring a magical, colorful world of chalk]''
:'''Bubbles''': Oh, I love each and every one of you! What is this magical place?
:''[A butterfly, with Him's face on it, appears; Bubbles doesn't recognize Him]''
:'''Him''': ''[speaking in a crossover between a squeaky voice and his effeminate voice]'' We've been waiting a long time for you, Bubbles.
:'''Bubbles''': You have?
:'''Him''': Oh, yes! We've been waiting for the perfect time to welcome you to our world!
:'''Bubbles''': How long have you been here?
:'''Him''': As long as you have had imagination. And as you can see, we have a present for you.
:''[He reveals a chalk box]''
:'''Bubbles''': The chalk!
:'''Him''': Yes, the chalk. And you can help us make our world even more beautiful!
:'''Bubbles''': Ah, shucks. I couldn't do that.
:'''Him''': Oh, yes, you can! Isn't that right, friends? All we need is your imagination!
:''[He makes himself and Bubbles appear in a blackboard]''
:'''Bubbles''': Where are we?
:'''Him''': The whole world is your canvas. And here, you can draw anything you want with your magical chalk! Try it.
:'''Bubbles''': But what do I draw?
:'''Him''': Draw anything you feel. Draw what makes you happy.
:'''Bubbles''': Hmm. What makes me happy? ''[She draws a flower on the board]'' There! How's that?
:'''Him''': Good! But now, watch. ''[The flower grows more large petals]'' Draw some more. More happy things!
:''[Bubbles draws on the board a bird's nest on a tree with a mother bird on the nest]''
:'''Bubbles''': There!
:'''Him''': Look! ''[The eggs hatch into baby birds]'' See what your imagination can do? Draw, draw! ''[Bubbles draws a beach with a sunset, seagulls and a school of fish]'' Well, what do you think?
:'''Bubbles''': I've never drawn prettier things! They light up my life!
:'''Him''': Well, there's more to it than just happy little drawings.
:'''Bubbles''': What do you mean?
:'''Him''': Artists draw all of their feelings.
:'''Bubbles''': Like a happy feeling.
:'''Him''': Well, not just happy feelings. Haven't you ever been frustrated, sad? How about angry?
:'''Bubbles''': No.
:'''Him''': No?
:'''Bubbles''': Never.
:'''Him''': Never?
:'''Bubbles''': No!
:'''Him''': No?
:'''Bubbles''': No, never!
:''[She suddenly realizes she's becoming angry and covers her mouth]''
:'''Him''': Aha! It's okay to be angry, and it's important to express it. Let's wipe the state clean. ''[The beach drawing disappears]'' Now, remember when Buttercup destroyed your chalk at the playground?
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, that wasn't very fair.
:'''Him''': That's right! Now get your chalk. Let's draw that feeling.
:'''Bubbles''': What does it look like?
:'''Him''': Draw a big scribble. Hard and fast. More! More! Harder, faster! ''[Bubbles does as she has been told]'' How does that make you feel?
:'''Bubbles''': Better, I guess.
:'''Him''': Good! Now draw some more. Draw how Buttercup made you feel. Who is she to tell you what to do? Push her around? Feel your anger. ''[Bubbles, feeling her anger, draws monsters on the blackboard]'' Did you get all your anger out?
:'''Bubbles''': Yes! ''[Pants]'' I had no idea I could express myself like that.
:'''Him''': Neither did I.
:''[Him vanishes]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As the chalk monsters attack Pokey Oaks Kindergarten]''
:'''Blossom''': EVERYONE GET INSIDE!! ''[All the kids run into the classroom. A giant chalk turtle smashes the classroom's roof]'' EVERYONE GET OUTSIDE!!
:''[The kids run back outside]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As the girls try to defeat the monsters by erasing them with erasers, but to no avail]''
:'''Bubbles''': He can't do that!
:''[Him, still in the form of a butterfly, appears; Bubbles still does not recognize Him]''
:'''Him''': ''[squeaky and effeminate voice]'' I think he can.
:'''Bubbles''': Oh! Thank goodness you're here! I drew all these monsters and they came to life. But now you're here and you can help.
:'''Him''': But why would I help you, when this whole thing was ''[instantly transforms into his normal form; demonic voice]'' '''MY idea?!'''
:'''Bubbles''': ''[Gasps]'' It was you! You made me do this!
:'''Him''': ''[putting his arm around Bubbles; effeminate]'' Au contaire. I just provided the chalk.
:'''Blossom''': You leave Bubbles alone!
:'''Him''': It was ''you'' who draw monsters! 
:'''Bubbles''': Get your claws off me!
:''[She releases himself from Him's grasp]''
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''That's good!''' ''[effeminate]'' Express that anger, just like before! Remember how good it felt?
:'''Bubbles''': Okay, I will!
:'''Blossom and Buttercup''': No, Bubbles, wait! ''[Bubbles uses her chalk and eraser to turn the chalk turtle into a happier turtle, much to Him's shock]'' Go, Bubbles!
:''[Bubbles then uses the chalk to turn all the other monsters into happy drawings. Him is enraged]''
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''No! No! NO!!'''
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': All right!
:'''Him''': '''You can't do that! You're supposed to express your anger!'''
:'''Bubbles''': I am. I'm just expressing it in a positive way. And I think you were more positive when you were a cute...little...butterfly! ''[Uses her chalk to draw on Him, turning him into a butterfly, embarrassing Him]'' What do you think?
:'''Blossom''': Oh, yes.
:'''Buttercup''': Much better.
:''[Him, humiliated and defeated, becomes enraged]''
:'''Him''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''
:''[He vanishes, defeated]''

===Get Back, Jojo [4.4]===

===Members Only [4.5]===
:'''Mascumax''': Men of Earth! Witness the coming of... MASCUMAX! Breaker of men! Taker of worlds! Be there any true men amongst thee?! Step forth and bring thy manhood against mine own, so that we might see who has the upper hand upon the measuring stick!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mascumax has been defeating the male superheroes easily]''
:'''Mascumax''': Fools! I feed off your expulsions of manliness! The more manhood you bring against me, the harder I become!
:'''Blossom''': Hey, buff! Why don't you try some Powerpuff?
:'''Mascumax''': What? Little girls?! ''[laughs]'' Shouldn't you be home learning how to be mommies?!
:'''Buttercup''': Ugh, ''this'' stuff again?
:'''Blossom''': Look, this planet is our home, and mommies are ready to clean house!
:''[They land several successful blows on Mascumax and knock him down]''
:'''Blossom''': All right, ladies, let's do some ''real'' cookin'! Form Furious Flaming Feline!
:''[The girls form a cat-like shape made of fire, which leaps at Mascumax, setting him on fire, and rubs against his leg]''
:'''Mascumax''': AAAAAAAARGH!!! NOOOOOOO, IT CANNOT BEEEE!!!
:'''Blossom''': If you can't take the heat, then stay out of the kitchen!
:''[Mascumax chickens out, transforming back into hotrod mode and flying back into space]''
:'''Mascumax''': ''[sobbing]'' WAAAAAHAHAHAAA!!! MOMMY, THERE WAS SOME GIRLS, AND THEY WERE BEING MEAN TO ME!!!

===Nano to the North [4.6]===

===Stray Bullet [4.7]===
:''[The Powerpuff Girls induct their new member]''
:'''Blossom''' : May I have your attention, please!  Friends!  Family!  Esteemed colleagues!  We are gathered here today for a momentous occasion!  Bubbles, translate.
:'''Bubbles''': Oh yeah. Cheep cheep, cheep cheep. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep.
:'''Blossom''': Today, for the first time ever . . .
:'''Bubbles''': Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . we have discovered an individual . . .
:'''Bubbles''': . . . cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . whose bravery . . .
:'''Bubbles''': . . . cheep cheep cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . strength . . .
:'''Bubbles''': . . .cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . and agility . . .
:'''Bubbles''': . . . cheep cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . have proven her worthy to be a member of our exclusive organization . . .
:'''The Powerpuff Girls''': THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
:'''Bubbles''': CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! Hey, Professor! Clap!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Hm? Oh, uh, yay!
:'''Blossom''': And so, dubbed with the appropriate 'B' name . . .
:'''Bubbles''': Cheep cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep . . .
:'''Buttercup''': Bruce begins with a B!
:'''Blossom''': Shh! . . . I hereby dub thee . . .
:'''Bubbles''': . . . cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep . . .
:'''Blossom''': . . . Powerpuff Bullet!
:'''Bubbles''': . . . Cheep cheep --- Cheep cheep!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Woo hoo, yeah! [hoots] Ha ha ha, yeah! [hoots]

===Forced Kin [4.8]===
:''[The invading robot has repeatedly outsmarted Mojo, defeated the Girls, and wrecked much of Townsville, including Mojo's volcano laboratory]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No! My laboratory, home to all my evil plans and devices... destroyed!
:'''Robot''': Earth creatures, the destruction of your dwelling area is now complete. I am now your new leader.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[shaking with shock and outrage]'' NOOOOOO! That is ''my'' line! ''I've'' always wanted to say that!
:'''Robot''': And you will now bow down to me. ''[Townsville's people are shown bowing]'' Yes, just like that.
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No! No! '''NOOOO...!!!''' 
:''[Mojo's eyes pop and glow, and he goes completely berserk, prancing around, gibbering and shrieking like a wild chimpanzee as the robot watches]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[eyes glowing again]'' '''YOU!!! HAVE!!! BROKEN!!! MY!!! ''DREEEEAMS!!!'''''
:''[He leaps at the robot, delivering several powerful punches, finally knocking it down with a blow to the head with the loaf of bread from Miguel's Market. He then pulls its lower leg back, making it cry out in pain and pound the ground]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Say it! SAY IT! '''SAY IT!!!'''
:'''Robot''': ''YOU'' ARE THE MOST EVIL! ''[collapses again]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': And don't you forget it!

===Knock it Off [4.9]===
:'''Professor Utonium''': When were you in New York?
:'''Blossom''': Yesterday.
:'''Buttercup''': (&lt;i&gt;whispering&lt;/i&gt;) No, today.
:'''Blossom''': I mean... today.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': What happened to Professor Dick and the other Powerpuff Girls?
:'''Professor Utonium''': Well, Old Dick may have gotten the formula right, but the one ingredient that he forgot was &quot;love&quot;. Let's go home, girls.
:'''Professor Dick''': (&lt;i&gt;screaming while dying&lt;/i&gt;) '''NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!'''

===Super Friends [4.10]===
:''[The girls introduce their new friend Robin to Professor Utonium]''
:'''Bubbles:''' He made us in his laboratory by accident.
:'''Professor:''' Yes, uh... well, it was sort of an accident...
:'''Robin:''' That's okay, Professor. I was an accident, too! ''(his eyes widen)'' Your dad is funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess:''' Hey girls, let me be a Powerpuff Girl for a day and you could ride in Daddy's limo with me to school!
:'''Blossom:''' No thanks, Princess. We'd rather walk with our new friend, Robin, to school.
:'''Princess:''' Very well then. You obviously don't know a thing about first class travel...... how 'bout 5 bucks?
:'''Blossom:''' ''[Resting her hands on her hips]'' Would that be 5 bucks to ride in your limo, or 5 bucks to be a Powerpuff Girl?

===Keen on Keane [4.11a]===

===Not So Awesome Blossom [4.11b]===
:[''During a battle between Blossom and one of Mojo's robots'']
:'''Blossom''': Okay! It's just you and me! Let's see what you got!
:[''She blows a raspberry at the robot'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''The Professor read's Mojo's note over the hotline'']
:'''Professor''': &quot;Bubbles, Buttercup or whichever of the two remaining Powerpuff Girls has answered the hotline, listen closely. Pay attention. Consentrate intently on the words coming from my mouth. I, the Professor, am being held prisoner. I am being kept against my will in a location not of my choosing. If you desire my safe return you must...&quot; Oh, excuse me. Could you please move you finger?
:'''Mojo''': Sorry.
:'''Professor''': Thank you. &quot;...come to the lair of Mojo Jojo together, not alone. Indepently...&quot;
:'''Buttercup''': I think we need to go to Mojo's and save the Professor.
:'''Bubbles''': Again?!

===Power-Noia [4.12]===
:''[Blossom is trapped in a dream world of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten with an evil version of Ms. Keane and the schoolchildren, trying to make Blossom fail to answer questions. Ms. Keane suddenly starts laughing in Him's voice, and she and the schoolchildren suddenly turn into small copies of Him. Blossom makes the connection and becomes determined to face her fear]''
:'''Blossom''': ENOUGH! ''[Him/Ms. Keane and the schoolchildren stop laughing]'' Next question.
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': ''[effeminate voice]'' Sure, next question. ''[demonic voice]'' '''What is the square root of seven?!'''
:''[Him and the schoolchildren laugh]''
:'''Blossom''': Seven doesn't have a square root. It's prime! 
:''[Everyone stops laughing]''
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': '''That is...''' ''[effeminate]'' correct. What is the algebric formula for determining the area of a triangle?
:'''Blossom''': Half the base times height!
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': That's correct. If a train leaves Boston at 12:30pm traveling at 75 miles per hour, and another train leaves Los Angeles at the same time traveling at 90 miles per hour... ''[demonic]'' '''which one will get to Cuba first?'''
:'''Blossom''': Neither! Trains don't go to Cuba, &quot;Ms. Keane&quot;!
:'''Him/Ms. Keane''': ''[effeminate]'' Well, how perspective of you. Oh, well. ''[throws question cards away; demonic]'' '''Tests bore me. You think you're so smart, don't you?'''
:'''Blossom''': I outsmarted you, didn't I?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After overcoming their greatest fears, the Powerpuff Girls finally confront Him, in the form of a giant, multiple-headed, multiple-tenctacled crossover of a crab and spider]''  
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, Blossom! You're always so logical! How droll! ''[giggles evilly]'' Here I am! Sorry it took me so long. I wanted to slip into something more...sinister! You have been such good fun, but now you're starting to bore me. And I'm afraid playtime is over! I ''[demonic]'' '''know your deepest, darkest fear.''' ''[effeminate]'' You are afraid ''[demonic]'' '''YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!'''
:'''Blossom''': Let's teach him a lesson!
:'''Buttercup''': Whatever! That guy's toast!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Two heads are better than one! 
:''[The girls and Him fight each other in a large fierce battle. Eventually, Him loses the battle, and is beaten up by the girls, turning him back into his normal form and size. The girls look at a scared Him, pleading for his life]'' 
:'''Him''': Please! No more! Don't hurt me! I don't understand. ''[demonic]'' '''I was so close!''' ''[effeminate]'' I almost had you! You are supposed to be afraid!
:'''Blossom''': Guess you should've done your homework, weirdo!
:'''Bubbles''': We're sisters and we love each other!
:'''Blossom''': And we're not afraid of anything as long as we have each other.
:'''Buttercup''': Gimme a break, you two! Yab-yab-yab! Can I toss this guy, already?
:''[Pause]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, okay.
:'''Him''': No, wait! It's cool! It's cool! Everything's cool! ''[Buttercup, not listening to Him's pleading, punches Him in the face, causing Him to fall into a black hole of nothingness]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

==Season 5==
===See Me, Feel Me, Gnomey [5.6]===
:'''Bossman''': ''[Singing]'' Townsville's goin' down! I'm gonna throw this paper on the ground!
:'''The Mayor''': ''[Singing]'' The babies can grow, and the little old folks, can walk real slooo-ho!
:'''Professor''': ''[Repeated line, singing]'' Do the people have to be freedom beef?
:'''The Gnome''': ''[The only unsung words in the entire episode, falling down to his demise]'' As I descend to the Earth, and I view the universe above me, I realize that life revolves, evolves, and dissolves, completely around the opposites. Therefore, I conclude that I cannot exist in my Utopian... ''[Closes his eyes]'' mind... ''[Hits the ground]''

==='Twas the Fight Before Christmas===
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Who would want a stupid old BB gun? 
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[gasped]'' Princess!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Besides, you'll shoot your eye out. ''(cut to her)'' Since my daddy buys me anything I want, I only have one thing on my list for Santa: to be a Powerpuff Girl!
:'''Blossom:''' ''[to Princess]'' Don't hold your breath, Princess.
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' What? Why?!
:'''Bubbles''': Because Santa has his own list, and he checks it twice. It says who's naughty and who's nice.
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' So?
:'''Bubbles''': Duh! You're naughty!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' ''[gasps]'' Nuh-uh!
:'''Blossom:''' Yeah-huh!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Nuh-uh!
:'''Buttercup:''' Yeah-huh!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': NUH-UH!!
:'''Bubbles''': YEAH-HUH!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Prove it!
:'''Blossom''': You bought the city and legalized crime!
:'''Buttercup''': You hired Mojo to try and destroy us!
:'''Bubbles''': You gave us a bomb for our birthday!
:'''Buttercup''': You teamed up with three felons and went on a crime spree!
:'''Bubbles''': You tricked our friend Robin into stealing! And then you tattled on her!
:'''Blossom''': You're a spoiled brat who's greedy and jealous! And you don't care who you step on to get what you want!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' And your point is?
:''[The Powerpuff Girls sit back down and sigh in frustration; then the bell rings]''
:'''Blossom''': The point, Princess, is that you better change your ways or all you're ever gonna get from Santa is a big, fat lump of coal in your stocking.
:''[Princess starts shaking angrily. But suddenly that sound of the Santa doll snaps her out of it. Pull back to show the toy walking slowly towards her; when it is within striking distance, she boots it hard enough to break it and send springs flying]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Spoiled?! Greedy?! Bratty?! Naughty?! NAAAAAUGHTYYYY?!?!? DRIVER! Do you know what those rotten old Powerpuffs said to me today?! They said I was naughty! Can you believe that?
:'''Driver:''' ''(coughs)'' Yes. ''[coughs]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Me?! Naughty?! I'm not naughty, am I?!
:'''Driver:''' Well, uh, I'll... oops! Seems my finger has slipped! ''[closes the window]'' Phew! That was close.
:''[The phone rings; the driver hesitates and slowly picks up the phone]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' ''[on the phone]'' WELL?!? YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!!
:'''Driver:''' KKKKKHHHH! You're-you're-you're breaking up! KKKKKHHH-KKKKKKKKHHHHH! I'm going through a-unnel! -Alk-late-
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' ''[bangs on the window and sticks her head out]'' NO, WE'RE NOT!! I'M IN THE CAR, YOU TWIT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Servant, tell me. Do you think that I'm naughty? ''[his eyes dart nervously about before her next word shakes the entire room]''  '''''&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;WELL!?&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'''''
:'''Servant''': ''[stammering]'' I think my...biscuits are burning. ''[dashes off]''
:''[Princess fumes and knocks her soup bowl aside]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Nanny!
:'''Nanny''': Yes? ''[forcing a smile]'' Sweetheart?
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Am I naughty?
:''[Tense pause]''
:'''Nanny''': Time for bed! Lights out. ''[runs off and The lights go out as the door to the hall slams. Princess glares after her for a moment]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Wait! I need another pillow! ''[pause; silence]'' Fine! I'll just go get it myself! ''[gets up from her bed to get another pillow and gets crushed by a bunch of coal]'' Naughty, huh? I'll show you who's naughty! ''[throws a piece of coal]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Well, this time, I am gonna be a Powerpuff Girl! ''[slams the door open]'' And I'm sure not gonna let some elf with a weight problem stop me! ''[gets into a cart driven by her driver]'' Ha! We'll show them! And I'll show those Powerpukes who's naughty and who's nice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' So now every kid in the world gets coal! And I get what I've always deserved: ''[turning around; zoom in]'' To be a Powerpuff Girl!
:''[She fires lasers from her eyes; the girls bear the full brunt of this assault and drop like rocks, landing face first in the snow to cut three Powerpuff snow angels into it. They quickly emerge]''
:'''Buttercup''': This is so wrong! ''[Close-up of the other two]''
:'''Blossom''': How could Santa believe that Princess is nice?!
:'''Bubbles''': Excuse me?! How could Santa believe that I am naughty?! ''[Pan slightly to Buttercup]''
:'''Buttercup''': 'Cause you snooped on other people's presents!
:''[Bubbles gives her a hard sidelong glance of tranquil fury and takes a second or two to get herself under control]''
:'''Bubbles''': Look. I already told you, I only looked 'cause we didn't have any presents, so I wanted to see if any other kids had any presents.
:'''Blossom''': Enough chatter, girls. We better find Santa and fast.
:''[They start to take off into the night, but Princess blocks their exit]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Oh, no, you don't. ''[Zoom in slowly on her]'' I knew you conceited little ingrates wouldn't be able to accept the fact that Santa thinks you're naughty.
:''[On the end of this, cut to Blossom and Buttercup trading a suspicious look - they are starting to figure out the scam. Princess moves in a bit closer to the girls]''
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' But I'm not gonna let you brats ruin my Christmas.
:'''Buttercup''': ''[moving in on her]'' Forget it, Princess. We're so gonna tell Santa on you!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' ''[sweetly, flying away a short distance]'' Not if I tell on you first.
:''[She leaves a yellow light trail behind her]''
:'''Bubbles''': We didn't do anything?
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' Oh, yeah? ''[pitifully, hamming it up]'' &quot;Oh, Santa Claus, as the only nice child in the whole world, I felt it was my duty to warn you about the three naughty girls who were so angry you gave them coal...&quot; ''[Cut to them, bristling at this; she continues, offscreen]'' &quot;...that they're coming to destroy your workshop and ruin Christmas forever.&quot; ''[Back to her; she takes on the sweet tone again]'' Oh, Santa...
:''[She gives them her biggest and most vicious grin, drops to a rooftop, and bounces off it to head for the city proper, her laughter echoing in the air.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[angrily]'' Ho, ho, ho! ''[shift to frame all five]'' What's with all the crashing and the smashing, and the smashing and the crashing? Huh? I'm out delivering coal all night long, and I come home to the Smashing-and-Crashing Gang?!
:'''Bubbles''': But...
:'''Santa Claus''': Uh-uh! No buts! I ain't listenin' to no buts from some no-good naughty kids! And no no-good little naughty kids are gonna tell me what's what! 'Cause guess what? ANSWER ME!!!
:''[The four cringe at Santa's screaming]''
:'''Blossom''': ''[nervously]'' Uh...
:'''Santa Claus''': That's right! First time, first time it's ever happened. ''[walking to his computer]'' Every last little no-good, good-for-nothin' kid in the stinkin' world was naughty! ''[voice breaking]'' Naughty! Naughty! Naughty little kids the world over! ''[Princess Morbucks peeks in]'' Except for one. One nice sweet little girl.
:'''Buttercup''': You're wrong!
:'''Santa Claus''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, I am, huh?! ''[turning to them, holding printout]'' Well, I's gots the list, baby. Check it!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Yeah! Check it! ''[kicks it over, sending a cascade of pages unfolding from the accordion stack toward the girls to bury them. They pop out, inspect different sections, and gasp at what they find: Remember, this is the &quot;nice&quot; list that was falsified]''
:'''Santa Claus''': Yeah! A million bazillion good-for-nothin's on this list! ''[holding up Post-It from his monitor]'' And one little itty bitty, perfect little angel over here.
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[sticking tongue out]'' Nyah! 
:'''Bubbles''': That's not right! Maybe you didn't check the list twice!
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah! Princess is the naughtiest kid ever!
:'''Blossom''': She must've snuck up here and switched the lists!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' NUH-UH!! Santa, don't listen to them! ''[points at the Powerpuff Girls]'' They're just jealous 'cause they got coal! ''[Powerpuff Girls stare at her angrily]'' They're jealous 'cause I'm nicer, I'm smarter, I'm prettier, and I'm better than them! So they wouldn't let me be a Powerpuff Girl! THAT MAKES THEM NAUGHTY!! ''[points at the girls]''
:'''Santa Claus:''' ''[remembering the girls]'' You mean ''the'' Powerpuff Girls? Not the same Powerpuff Girls who are always helping people and saving the day and being really good? I mean, REALLY good! ''[the Girls smile and nod]'' Yeah! Yeah! See, that explains all the flying and floating and stuff!
:'''Princess Morbucks:''' '''AHEM!!''' ''(Santa turns around)'' '''BUT ''I'' SHOULD BE A POWERPUFF GIRL!!! ME! Not them! Me! MY DADDY SAYS I'M BETTER! MY DADDY SAYS I'M THE BEST! AND IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A FATHEADED FATHEAD TO SEE THAT, I'LL TELL MY DADDY!''' ''[She flies into another room]'' '''AND HE'LL COME AND BUILD A PARKING LOT OUTTA THIS CHEAP.. LITTLE..''' ''[She kicks 2 toys]'' '''ARTS AND CRAFTS...''' ''[She throws another toy]'' '''POPSICLE STAND OF YOURS!!''' ''[She breaks another toy]'' '''GET IT?!''' ''[She flies up to Santa]'' '''SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME WHATEVER I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, 'CAUSE MY DADDY SAYS I GET WHATEVER I WANT! WHENEVER I WANT IT! AND IF THAT MEANS ALL OF THOSE LOUSY, WORTHLESS, SECOND RATE BARGAIN BASEMENT BRATS OF THE WORLD DON'T GET ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, THEN THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE!! 'CAUSE I AM BETTER THAN THEM!! AND IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE!!''' ''[She grabs a note and puts it up to Santa's face]'' '''SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, SANTA CLOD!!!'''
:''[There is a shockful silence for a few seconds; suddenly, Santa gets really angry]''
:'''Santa Claus:''' '''LIST SCHMIST!!! I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' LIST TELLIN' ME WHO'S NAUGHTY AND WHO'S NICE!!''' ''[He grabs the note and starts tearing it up]'' '''YA KNOW WHY?! 'CAUSE I'M SANTA CLAUS!! CHECK IT! PRINCESS...''' ''[He grabs Princess by the ear]'' '''YOU HAVE GONE AND WORKED OFF MY LAST NERVE!'''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! ''[She starts rubbing her ear]''
:'''Santa Claus''': I have no other choice. You are so rotten, SO despicable, so naughty, I'm putting you on the... ''[points up at a really big and tall naughty list]'' '''PERMANENT NAUGHTY PLAQUE!!!''' BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!
:''[Princess gasps in unmitigated fear, knowing that justice is about to be served. Extreme close-up of Santa's lifted index finger and follow it slowly through the air as he brings it to his nose. He touches the tip; a flash of snowflakes, and Princess' name is now cut into the metal as well, signifiying her permanent naughty status for the rest of her life. She screams in horror at the sight; back to Santa, his arms folded in finality]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': '''AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'M TELLING MY DADDY!!!'''
:''[She takes off and smashes an exit for herself through the office wall. Visible only as a bright speck, she makes a beeline for the distant mountains. Santa and the girls move closer to the hole to watch her go. He turns to them, holds up his finger without a word, and touches it to his nose. Cut to the fleeing Princess who, in a flash, suddenly finds herself back in her street clothes. She soars along a few hundred yards more before realizing that she has been stripped of her powers, then loses her forward momentum and drops from sight with a sharp gasp. Screaming, she plummets toward the snowy expanse and plows deep into it. A second later, she slowly emerges from the hole, with snow covering her from head to toe, and forces her eyes open through the covering. Pull back into the office; she cannot be seen from this far away]''
:'''Princess Morbucks''': '''NO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Princess flies in front of Buttercup, who is shocked; Princess then slaps her]''
:'''Buttercup''': Ow! Quit it!
:''[Princess slaps her again]''
:'''Buttercup''': Ow! Quit it!
:''[Princess slaps her once again]''
:'''Buttercup''': Ow! Quit it!
:''[An annoyed Buttercup jumps on Princess' back and kicks her far away from herself]''
:'''Buttercup''': QUIT IIIIIIIIIT!!!!!
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Thanks, Einstein!
:''[Buttercup stares at Princess, but then Blossom and Bubbles grab her]''
:'''Blossom''': Good job, Buttercup.
:'''Bubbles''': Yeah, nice one.
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': Now, if I were a big, fat, bearded oaf, where would I keep that stupid list?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Princess Morbucks''': ''[Referring to Santa]'' Who does that blimp think he is denying ''me'' presents?! Ohh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[To Bubbles]'' I'm busy.
:'''Blossom''': Doing what?
:'''Buttercup''': Writing my wish list for Santa.
:'''Bubbles''': Are you crazy?! You're only giving him 2 days to prepare?! And that's even if he gets it on time!
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah? When did you send yours, Smarty Pants?
:'''Bubbles''': December 26.
:'''Buttercup''': Ha! That's ''after'' Christmas!
:'''Bubbles''': December 26, last year!
:''[She blows Buttercup a raspberry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''':  Every year, it's the same darn thing! I can make three little kids out of seasoning, but I can't get these lights to work!

===The Boys are Back in Town [5.5]===
:'''Narrator:''': And their day, the girls even manage to humble... HIM.
:''[In his lair, Him is angrily watching the Powerpuff Girls on TV having saved the day once again]''
:'''Buttercup''': ''[On TV]'' Yeah, it was rough in the beginning, but I paced myself and just wore the monster down.
:'''Blossom''': ''[On TV]'' We were just glad to be of service. Good job, girls!
:'''Him''': ''[mocking Blossom; effeminate voice]'' &quot;We were just glad to be of service. Good job, girls!&quot; ''[demonic voice]'' '''Blah! Blast the Powerpuff brats! They disgust me! So ''effortless!'' They seem to be unbeatable.''' ''[effeminate]'' All these years, and all the villains have produced nothing. So much time, such little results. ''[demonic]'' '''There ''must'' be a way. There must be someone who can knock those brats down to size!''' ''[groans and sits down on his chair; effeminate]'' Oh, boy. ''[suddenly sees something on the TV and slowly smiles; demonic]'' '''Oh, ''boy''...'''  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Rowdyruff Boys have been resurrected (complete with meaner-looking hairstyles)]''
:'''Blossom''': The Rowdyruff Boys?!
:'''Buttercup''': But that's impossible!!
:'''Bubbles''': We blew you guys up!
:'''Brick''': ''[Smirking]'' Yeah? Well, you can't stop a good thing, babe!
:''[The Girls suddenly start to snicker]''
:'''Brick''': Stop laughing! What are you laughing at?!
:'''Blossom''': ''[Mocking; her hands are on her hips]'' Ooooh(!) Look who's back with mean hair(!)
:'''Bubbles''': ''[Mocking]'' Oh, whatever shall we do?
:'''Buttercup''': ''[Mocking]'' How can we defeat their scary new hairdos?
:''[Boomer naively inspects his hair, while Butch twitches, eager to fight. The Girls continue to laugh, and Brick gets more and more irritated until he finally snaps.]''
:'''Brick''': '''''SILEEEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!''''' ''[the Girls stop]'' You stupid, wimpy, lame-o girls ''talk'' too much!
:'''Blossom''': &quot;STUPID&quot;?!
:'''Buttercup''': &quot;WIMPY&quot;?!
:'''Bubbles''': &quot;LAME-O&quot;?!
:'''Brick''': You girls just got lucky last time. This time, there's no way you're gonna beat my boys!
:'''Butch''': Butch!
:'''Boomer''': Boomer!
:'''Brick''': And me, Brick!
:''[Boomer sees a fly buzzing over his head, and playfully swats at it]''
:'''Brick''': ''[annoyed]'' Pay attention!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[giggling]'' Are you guys sure you're ready for another beating?
:'''Boomer''': ''[trying to sound tough]'' You girls are gonna eat your words, spit 'em out, and eat 'em again!
:'''Blossom''': ... That doesn't even make sense.
:'''Boomer''': I know you are, but what am I?!
:'''Buttercup''': Enough! Talk is cheap! Let's do this!
:'''Butch''': ''[snickers dementedly]'' This is gonna be fun!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Blossom''': All right, girls. I think we know what we have to do. Let's give 'em some sugar!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[eagerly]'' Ooh, ooh, I want the blonde! I think he's cute!
:'''Buttercup''': ''Man'', you're weird!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brick''': Your [[w:cooties|cootie]]-kisses only make us bigger!
:'''Boomer''': Stronger!
:'''Butch''': And tougher!
:'''Brick''': ''[laughs]'' You stupid lame-o girls never learn. Now it's time to put these babies to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Him interrupts the fight between the Powerpuff Girls and Rowdyruff Boys]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Hello, girls!
:'''Powerpuff Girls''': ''[gasp]'' Him!
:'''Him''': So nice to see you again! How's things? Not so good? Having a little boy trouble, hmm? Or should I say... ''[demonic]'' '''BIG boy trouble?!'''
:''[The Boys - now huge after being kissed by the Girls several times - land behind Him]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Hello, Boys. ''[demonic]'' '''You're doing just fine.''' ''[to the Girls, effeminate]'' So, how does it feel, Girls, to know defeat is just around the corner... ''[demonic]'' '''and victory for me is at hand?!'''
:'''Blossom''': So ''you're'' behind this, Him! What did you do to make our kisses powerless?!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, that. That's my little secret. You see, I realized that the Boys' only weakness ''[demonic]'' '''was your pathetic little kisses. And since I''' ''[effeminate]'' knew you would resort to that, I added a little something extra: a cootie vaccination! &quot;[[w:Circle Circle Dot Dot|Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot; now you have a cootie shot!]]&quot; ''[laughs]'' I got the spell off the Internet. But your kisses aren't totally useless, girls. ''[demonic]'' '''They make my boys bigger and more powerful!''' ''[laughs; effeminate]'' At last, I win! Have fun, girls! Ta-ta!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Brick''': You calling us STUPID?!
:'''Boomer''': We'll show you stupid! ''[Boomer crosses his arms and smiles proudly. Brick slaps him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After the Powerpuff Girls finally defeat the Rowdyruff Boys by shrinking them down to size, Him comes back, angry]''
:'''Him:''' ''[demonic]'' '''CAN'T YOU LITTLE BRATS DO ''ANYTHING'' RIGHT?! I SENT YOU TO DESTROY THEM, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?!''' ''[effeminate]'' You get all ''sissified''! 
:''[With a wave of his claw, he makes the Boys vanish. The Girls smile in triumph]''
:'''Him''': Oh, don't look so smug, girls. Though you may have won this time, ''[Aku voice]'' '''it was a lucky victory and you know it!''' ''[effeminate]'' In time, you ''[Aku voice]'' '''will''' ''[effeminate]'' fall, and we ''[Aku voice]'' '''will''' ''[effeminate]'' defeat you! So keep on your toes, stay alert, ''[Aku voice]'' '''and watch your back... because the boys are back in town!''' ''[vanishes in a spiral of smoke, laughing]''
:'''Blossom''': Oh, boy...
:'''Narrator''': &quot;Oh, boy&quot; is right! It seems the battle of the sexes has begun! Let's just hope the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!

===Bubble Boy [5.9b]===
:'''Brick''': ''[he and his brothers drank 3 cans of soda]'' Man, beating up people for fun is really fun!
:'''Boomer''': Yeah! Beating up people for fun is really fun! ''[Brick throws a can in Boomer's face]'' Ow!
:'''Brick''': Dude! That's the dumbest thing you said all DAY!
:'''Boomer''': Well you said the same thing!
:'''Brick''': Yeah, but it sounds COOL coming out of my mouth!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boomer''': I don't care what they say; I'm ''not'' as dumb as I look.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': What are we going to do?
:''[Bubbles is now dressed as Boomer]''
:'''Bubbles''': Well, how do I look?
:'''Boomer''': ''[Boomer is now in his underwear]'' Boy, do you look dumb!
:'''Blossom''': Need we say more?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Gee, Professor, you sure outdid yourself with that containment ray.
:'''Professor''': I'll say! Once again, I have no idea what I did!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bubbles''': ''[as Boomer]'' Uh, hi! It's me, Boomer, your brother!
:'''Brick''': We ''know'' you're our brother. We're not as stupid as you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''': I know, let's punch each other in the face until someone says, “Hey, stop punching me in the face.” You first, Boomer. ''[punches Bubbles, who is posing as Boomer.]''
:''[Brick and Butch laugh; Bubbles gets teary-eyed]''
:'''Buttercup''': Don't cry, Bubbles. You'll give yourself away.
:'''Bubbles''': Heh, funny. Okay, my turn.
:'''Brick''': Nah, I'm sick of that game.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Bubbles sprays &quot;Flowers are pretty... dumb!&quot; on a wall]''
:'''Butch''': For a second there, I thought you were turning girly on us.
:'''Brick''': Yeah! And &quot;dum-buh&quot;?  Geez, Boomer, if you're gonna do graffiti, at least spell the words right!  Sheesh, talk about &quot;dum-buh&quot;.
:'''Butch''': Yeah! What a &quot;dum-bee&quot;!
:''[Brick &amp; Butch laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick''':Hey, I thought you loved cock-a-roaches. Don't you looove cock-a-roaches?
:'''Bubbles''': ''[forcing a smile]'' Well..sure. Sure I do. I love those little guys.
:'''Brick''': Hey, I believe you. That's why you have no problem... EATING IT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[after Bubbles captures the Rowdyruff Boys on her own]'' Bubbles! I could hardly contain myself hiding in the closet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor''': ''[after Bubbles apologizes]'' That's alright, Bubbles. I'm sorry you had to eat a cockroach!
:'''Bubbles''': ''[who is still posing as Boomer]'' That's okay, it tasted like CHICKEN!

===The City of Clipsville [5.8b]===
:'''Blossom''': Come on, girls. It's from the time that the Professor accidentally turned us into babies.
:''(During this line, WD to the exterior of the house at night; when the transition occurs, the rest of her words are heard as a voice over. The scene is very peaceful—until a huge explosion erupts from the ground and hides the entire structure. When the smoke clears, we see the Professor in the lab. He is covered with soot and holding a beaker of liquid, and both he and the area are in a state of total disarray. Close-up of his face)''
:'''Professor''': ''(reassuringly)'' Oh, don't worry about the noise, girls. I've just invented a potion that will keep you young foreve— (cuts himself off on this last word upon looking down toward the floor. Cut to his feet, where the girls have undergone a dramatic transformation: they are now infants in diapers, and his mixture worked a bit too well. Safety pins in the respective colors of Bubbles and Buttercup can be seen fastening those two girls' diapers, but the camera angle obscures the one on Blossom’s. She wears her bow but no ponytail, and she is bawling at the top of her lungs sports a single tuft of blond hair at the top of her head and sucks on a pacifier. Buttercup has only a bit of straight black hair and shakes a rattle discontentedly. A flash of white, and we are back to the present)''
:'''Bubbles''': ''(laughing)'' Oh, yes, now I remember.
:''(Flash to this same bit of history. Close-up of the Professor's upper body as he lifts baby Blossom partially into view; she is still crying)''
:'''Professor''': There, there, now. Just let it all out. ''(a pronounced squelching sound is heard, and she sighs with relief and smiles, losing steam)'' There, doesn't that…feel...ugh...better? ''(turn down a bit to show Blossom’s diaper, which she has filled so much that it hangs down almost to his waist. The sound just heard needs no explanation. Close-up of his head and shoulders; he lifts her into view and starts patting her back to burp her. Now her hair can be seen—short, red-orange, with a puff in back that marks the start of a ponytail)'' Oh, aren't you just a little angel? ''(she coos happily and spits up; he grimaces at the sound of it. WD to the present. Blossom has put the bottle away)''
:'''Buttercup''': Yeah. And remember how the Professor turned everyone into babies?
:''(WD to a close-up of an exhausted Professor, out in the city, and pull back. Throngs of squalling infants are heard from o.c. initially, and the source of the din is revealed to be exactly that. He holds several babies, including a top-hatted one that can only be the Mayor and another, with curly red-orange hair, who must be Ms. Bellum. Around him are enough newborns to populate the entire city. WD to the present)''
:'''Blossom''': And remember when we lost our superpowers?
:''(WD to Mojo, laughing from the hatch of a helicopter. In his hand is a briefcase labeled &quot;TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT STUFF.&quot; He hoists himself into the pilot’s seat; pull back to show him lifting off from the roof of a building—the Top Secret Government Headquarters. The girls run out of an access door on the roof and look up after him; close-up of them)''
:'''Blossom''': Let's get him!
:''(They run o.c. toward the edge. Pan in that direction to show nothing but Blossom's bow spinning in midair, as three terrified screams echo and fade away. They have jumped off the roof and gone into free fall instead of taking flight; the bow follows them down. WD to the present)''
:'''Blossom''': ''(smiling)'' Yeah. That got messy.
:'''Buttercup''': Hey! Remember when we sped up time and became teenagers— ''(she picks up a small item and opens it, revealing it to be a makeup compact. Zoom in on her)'' —and wore makeup and gave up crime-fighting and hung out at the mall and stuff?
:''(During the end of this line, there is a WD to the exterior of the Townsville Mall. The rest of Buttercup’s words are a voice over after this point. Zoom in on the entrance and dissolve to a point near the high, glass-domed ceiling. Turn down to the sound of music on the PA system and the mingled voices of the customers. In the background, two girls have their backs to the camera and are leaning over a railing to look down at the lower floors. The fact that neither girl has any visible fingers gives them away as teenaged versions of Blossom and Bubbles. When they speak, they sound like Valley Girls)''
:'''Teen Bubbles''': Oh, my gosh! Check it out. (turning toward Teen Blossom; she wears makeup) She is, like, so wrong in those pants. ''(blows a bubble from a wad of gum)''
:'''Teen Blossom''': Like, yeah, girlfriend. ''(her cell phone goes off, playing the show's main theme as its ring tone, and answers it)'' Hello? Oh, my gosh. We were just talking about you! Where are you?
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Over here.
:'''Teen Blossom''': Oh...hey. So you going to Todd's tonight?
:'''Teen Buttercup''': I don’t know. I gotta get on the treadmill. I just majorly pigged out on a donut. ''(sighs)'' If they only had, like, candy-flavored salad or something. ''(her eyes go wide as she lowers her phone. Flash to the present; all three girls are a bit uneasy at this memory. Buttercup has put the compact away)''
:'''Buttercup''': And then we discovered boys.
:''(Flash to the two teens on their phones. Teen Buttercup hunches over hers)''
:'''Teen Buttercup''': ''(hushed)'' Blossom! Look!
:''(They lower the phone and gaze raptly toward the camera for a long moment. Cut to their perspective: a patch of floor, with three long shadows cast on it from a distance in front. Turn up slowly to their source—the Rowdyruff Boys as teens)''
:'''Teen Bch''': ''(reading a magazine)'' Wow.
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''(on her phone)'' Tell me about it. Like, that's what I said. Hang on a sec—
:'''Teen Blossom''': ''(nudging her)'' Bubbles, quick! Look!
:''(Teen Bubbles turns her head; close-up of her as she drops the phone and her eyes pop. Cut to Teen Boomer, who is drinking a soda. He drains it, sighs contentedly, and directs a come-hither look at the camera. All three girls are positively smitten)''
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''(hushed)'' Oh, we shouldn't talk to them. They're bad.
:'''Teen Blossom and Teen Buttercup''': ''(smiling wickedly)'' I know.
:''(Cut to Teens Bubbles and Boomer together. The lower portion of the glass dome is in the background)''
:'''Teen Boomer''': So...wassup?
:'''Teen Bubbles''': Oh, um...you know...hangin' out. ''(two patrons scream; she laughs)'' What's up with you? 
:''(The monster lashes outs its tongue, smashing through the dome, and snaps someone up. The teens do not notice as it swallows)''
:'''Teen Boomer''': You know...hangin' out. ''(the monster sinks out of sight)''
:'''Teen Bubbles''': ''(laughing)'' For sure.
:''(Back to her sisters; their counterparts sidle up to them)''
:'''Teen Butch''': So wassup, ladies?
:'''Teen Brick''': You goin' to Todd's tonight?
:''(Behind them, a couple of gun-toting robbers run to the entrance of a jewelry store and stop briefly. One of them directs a hand signal o.c. behind himself. The teens pay no heed)''
:'''Teen Blossom''': Um...I have to study for an algebra test. ''(the robbers enter)'' For my English class. ''(several others follow)'' What are you doing?
:''(The sound and flash of automatic weapons fire emanate from the store)''
:'''Teen Brick''': Uh...going to Todd's.
:'''Teen Blossom''': ''(laughing)'' Oh! ''(explosion, alarm, and the robbers run out with the loot)'' What a coincidence.
:''(He seems a bit annoyed at her clueless response. Cut to Teens Bch and Bcup. Behind them, a man fiddles with an ATM)''
:'''Teen Buttercup''': So what are you driving now? ''(the man runs o.c.; the machine starts to beep)''
:'''Teen Butch''': Oh, I'm rockin' a new Escalade. ''(sparks fly)'' Wanna take a ride?
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Uh, that's okay. ''(the ATM explodes)'' We rode the one up from the first level.
:''(Teen Butch is nonplussed; the man and a partner run through the smoking hole in the wall)''
:'''Teen Butch''': Yeah, I just put an MP3 player in it.
:'''Teen Buttercup''': Oh, cool! I love that game.
:''(He is caught off guard by this non sequitur. Behind the two, the smoke clears and the men emerge, fleeing with a wagonload of cash. Cut to the exterior of the mall and pull back slowly, as explosions ravage the surrounding buildings)''
:'''Teen Buttercup''': ''(from inside)'' How about you, Blossom? Wanna take a ride on Butch's escalator?
:'''Teen Blossom''': ''(from inside)'' Sure. What floor?
:''(A flying saucer pulls into view and starts shooting at the skyline, and a large red beast, with lobster claws in place of hands, roars as it stomps into view. WD to the present)''
:'''Buttercup''': Boy, were we dumb.
:'''Blossom''': Yeah. Let's remember something else.

===Toast of the Town [5.2a]===
:'''Mayor of Townsville''': Mayor want toast! Mayor want toast!
:'''Professor Utonium''': Look I'm a scientist not a mechanic, what you need to do is take your toaster to the manufacturer and have a certified mechanic fix it.
:''[Mayor starts to get mad]''
:'''Mayor of Townsville''': MAYOR WANT TOAST! MAYOR WANT TOAST!
:'''Professor Utonium''': ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'll have a look at your toaster. But the I've got to get back to my experiments.
:'''Mayor''': Oh, goody, goody! ''[starts to jump up and down] Is it done yet?
:'''Professor''': No.
:'''Mayor''': How about now?
:'''Professor''': No
:'''Mayor''': Now?
:'''Professor''': No.
:'''Mayor''': Now it's done right?
:'''Professor''': No, no, no, it's not done. Look, I don't really know what I'm doing,so it's gonna take a while.Why don't you just wait over there,and I'll let you know when I'm finished.
:'''Mayor''': Oh...OK.
:'''Professor''': And don't touch anything!
:'''Mayor''': ''[peeps over the table]'' Ooh...What does this button do? ''[presses the button, which starts an alarm. Then there's a rumble. He walks over to where the professor is and there was an explosion. The blast pushed the Mayor and the Professor in his chair away]'' Whee! Do it Again! Do it again!
:'''Professor''': Oh, no. You're gonna sit right here, be a good little Mayor, and stay put while I work on your toaster. And if you're quiet, you can have some candy. Good boy. ''[puts the mayor in a highchair, and gives him a jar full candy. Then he starts rattling in the jar]
:'''Mayor''': Say, these are all lemon! Somebody ate all the Goody cherry candies! ''[throws jar on the ground]'' Mayor want cherry! Mayor want cherry!
:'''Professor''': ''[runs to him with an industrial size bag cherry candies]'' Here, cherry. ''[gives him the bag]''  Now please, let me work in peace. ''[walks away]''
:'''Mayor''': Oh, goody! Oops. Uh-oh. ''[runs under the table and crawls under to get the candy]'' Ooh! Another shiny button! ''[presses the button and the lab begins to shake]'' Help! ''[the lab stops shaking]'' Huh? ''[Chemical X is changed]'' Ooh!
:'''Professor''': ''[working on the mayor's toaster and removes his shades]'' Mayor? He's being too quiet. ''[sneaks inside]'' Mayor? What are you ''[alarmed]'' DOING?!
:'''Mayor''': ''[humming, puts the chemical x on his head]'' Mayor want hair.
:'''Professor''': No! Mayor, stop!
:'''Mayor''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mayor gotta hair! Mayor gotta hair! Yummy 'X' powder made Mayor's hair grow! ''[looks around]'' Professor. Professor?
:'''Professor''': Your hair wasn't the only thing that grew, Mr. Mayor.
:'''Mayor''': ''[looks down]'' Wowie zowie. 
:'''Professor''': Wowie zowie, indeed. Have you no shame? A grown man your age gallivanting around like a little child, not doing what you're told! &quot;Mayor wanna this. Mayor wanna that.&quot; You, Mr. Mayor, are nothing but a baby, a big, big, big baby.
:'''Mayor''': ''[crying like a baby]'' Wah! Don't say that! Wah! ''[runs off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom''': Professor! What's going on?
:'''Professor''': Oh, it's the mayor, girls. He got into my chemical X so I scolded him, and now he's run off pouting.

==Season 6==
===Custody Battle [6.7a]===
:''[Mojo sees the Rowdyruff Boys for the first time since they've been revived]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': The Rowdyruff Boys?! This is not possible! How is it that something that was destroyed can exist again?! I demand an explanation as to how something that was destroyed can exist again!
:''[The Boys exchange looks.]''
:'''Brick''': Duh! Nice hat, dorko!
:''[The Boys laugh and high five each other.]''
:'''Mojo''': How dare you talk to your father that way?! 
:'''Rowdyruff Boys''': Father?!
:''[They laugh even harder, until Him suddenly appears behind the boys]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Yes, it seems that the boys have a new father now! 
:'''Mojo''': What?!
:'''Him''': ''I'' brought the boys back, so ''I'' am their father now!
:'''Mojo''': Incorrect! The Rowdyruff Boys were ''my'' idea, which means ''I'' was the original creator! Yes, it was I who originally created them, which means it was ''I'' whose creativity led to the origin of the idea which resulted in the creation of them! Therefore, the idea originated before the actual creating began, resulting in total origination of all creativity!
:'''Brick''': ''[Scratching his head mockingly]'' Yeah... I didn't get that the first time. Can you repeat that?
:''[The Boys laugh and high five each other again. Him laughs along with them]''
:'''Him''': I'm sorry, Mojo. But your creation was destroyed by the Powerpuff Girls. ''[demonic]'' '''And would probably still be destroyed''' ''[effeminate]'' if ''I'' didn't revive them! Besides, seeing how ''I'' made them better, they should ''[demonic]'' '''remain mine!'''
:'''Mojo''': Better?! How can you make Mojo Jojo's design of the Rowdyruff Boys any better?!
:''[Him laughs]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' By making them immune to the Powerpuff's girly kisses! Now they ''can't'' be destroyed by the mere talk of cooties! ''[demonic]'' '''So why don't you run along, chimp-chump?!'''
:''[Mojo loses his temper]''
:'''Mojo''': Those boys were created to do pure evil, which makes ''me'' the more fit father, since I ''am'' pure evil!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Oh, I'm sorry! But nobody does evil ''[demonic]'' '''THE WAY I DO!'''
:'''Mojo''': That is not so!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Is so!
:'''Mojo''': Is not so!
:'''Him''': Is so!
:'''Mojo''': Is not!
:'''Him''': Is so!
:'''Mojo''': Is not!
:'''Him''': Is so!
:'''Mojo''': Is not!
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Is so!'''
:'''Mojo''': Is not!
:'''Him''': '''IS SO!'''
:'''Mojo''': Very well, then! Since you will not acknowledge that I, Mojo Jojo, the original creator of the Rowdyruff Boys, who were originally created by ''me'', and the more evil father, you leave me no alternative but to ''prove'' that ''I'' am the more evil father, therefore making ''me'' the better parent!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Fine, then! ''[demonic]'' '''And ''I'' will prove that ''I'' am the evilest parent!'''
:'''Mojo''': Very well, then!
:'''Both''': ''[Him; effeminate]'' Let the evil begin!   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' Behold! The TRCP-800.
:'''Boomer:''' You mean &quot;Totally Rad City Pulverizer&quot;?
: ''[Mojo gives him an exasperated look.]''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' No, dum-dum.
:''[Brick hits Boomer.]''
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' &quot;The Remote-Control Pickle&quot;!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brick:''' You mean &quot;we can blow things up and stuff? 
:'''Mojo:''' Mmm-hmm.
:'''Brick:''' Anything?
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' Anything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Him prepares to blow up the sun, destroying the Earth in the process]''
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Splendidly evil, ''[demonic]'' '''isn't it?'''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Evil?! How about STUPID?! Yes, thanks to your foolishness, we will be reduced to nothing! Nothing! Like the amount of intelligence inside your head! Nothing! Like the amount of respect I get after ''6 SEASONS ON THIS SHOW''!!! 
:''[Him turns the sun back to normal]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': No, you are ''not'' the more evil parent! You are the more STUPID parent, which makes you unfit to be the father of these boys!
:'''Him''': ''[effeminate]'' Is not so!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Is so!
:'''Him''': Not so!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Is so!
:'''Him''': Not so!
:'''Mojo Jojo''': Is so!
:'''Him''': ''[demonic]'' '''Not so!'''
:'''Rowdyruff Boys''': SHUT UP!!!
:'''Brick''': We don't care which one of you is more eviler, or more stupider, or whateverer! There's only one evil thing we care about, and that's destroying the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Rowdyruff Boys''': ''[give a group high five]'' Yeah!
:'''Brick''': Let's go!
:''[The boys fly to Townsville. Mojo and Him begin to cry with joy]''
:'''Mojo Jojo''': My... that's the evilest thing I can imagine.
:'''Him''': ''[sniffs; effeminate]'' All you can do is raise them the best you know how, and hope they turn out right.
:'''Mojo Jojo and Him''': ''[to each other in unison]'' I'm so proud of them!
:''[The two villains put an arm around each other]''
:'''Narrator''': And so, with Mojo and Him finally happy together, the day is doomed, thanks to... the Rowdyruff Boys.

===Simian Says [6.9b]===
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' ''[after kidnapping the Narrator and taking his place]'' The city of Townsville. A city that, while being a city, is for some inexplicable reason called &quot;Town.&quot; And not only is it called a &quot;Town,&quot; but also a &quot;Ville,&quot; thus making it a city, town, and village, which seems to me to be redundant and repetitive, which can be quite annoying if you ask me, which you have no choice but to do, for now I, Mojo Jojo, am in charge of... the city of Townsville!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup:''' In the stomach or in the face?
:'''Mojo Jojo:''' How about a third type of opinion?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blossom:''' Something feels not right.
:'''Bubbles''': We beat up Mojo...
:'''Buttercup''': And saved the day...
:'''Blossom''': But, what? ''[They think for a moment]''
: ''[The sound of muffled cries is heard.]''
:'''Bubbles''': Hey, girls! Look!
:''[He points to a door and Blossom opens it. She then pulls off a piece of tape from the mouth of someone out of the scene.]''
:'''Narrator:''' OW! Oh, girls, thank goodness it's you! I can finally end this nightmare! So once again the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!
:'''Buttercup:''' I knew something was missing!
:'''Blossom:''' Goodnight, folks!
:''[Long pause as the girls simply float on the ending titles screen.]''
:'''Buttercup:''' ''[Impatiently]'' Now what?
:'''Narrator:''' Er... could I have a ride home?
:'''BBs:''' Of course!

===Nuthin' Special [6.14a]===
:'''Buttercup:''' Huh! Forget it! I ain't got no special skills! I ain't special!
:'''Blossom:''' Aww. Buttercup, you may not have a special power.
:'''Bubbles''': But you're still special.
:'''Buttercup:''' But-- ''[Turns around]'' But-- but nothin'! I thought I had a special power, but I don't! I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL, BUT I'M NOT!! SO THERE!!
:''[Buttercup sticks her tongue out at her sisters and curls it; and Blossom look shocked]''
:'''Bubbles''': What did you just do?!
:'''Buttercup:''' What?! Stick my tongue out?! You wanna see that again so you can copy that too?! Well, here!
:''[She sticks her tongue out again and once again curls it]''
:'''Blossom:''' You can...
:'''Bubbles''': Curl your tongue?
:'''Buttercup:''' Yeah, so? What's the big deal? I've always been able to do that. See?
:''[She once again sticks her tongue out and curls it again]''

===Octi-Gone [6.15b]===
:''[last lines of the series]''
:''[Everyone, including Bubbles, Blossom, and Buttercup angrily wait outside the bathroom door, waiting for Mojo.]''
:'''Bubbles:''' ''MOJO!!!'' You get out of there right now! You're nothing but a big party crasher!
:'''Narrator:''' And so once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls and the contaminated cream pie.

=== ''The Powerpuff Girls Movie'' ===
See ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' for quotes on the entire movie

==Recurring Quotes==
:'''Narrator:''' ''[Title Sequence Narration]'' Sugar... spice... and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...Chemical X!-- Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born! Using their ultra-superpowers, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup have dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil!

==Voice Cast==
* Blossom - [[w:Cathy Cavadini|Cathy Cavadini]]
* Bubbles - [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]]
* Buttercup - [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]]

==See also==
* ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]] (2016)''

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    <title>The Jungle Book (1967 film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]''''', is an animated 1967 film based on [[Rudyard Kipling]]'s ''Mowgli'' stories, was released in October [[w:1967 in film|1967]] by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]]. This best-known adaptation was producer [[Walt Disney]]'s last animated project. Disney released a sequel in 2003, ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]''.

{{center|'''The jungle is JUMPIN'!'''}}

== Baloo ==
* ''[after he, Bagheera, and Mowgli escape from King Louie and company]'' Whew! ''[laughs]'' Man, that's what I call a swingin' party!
* ''[after Bagheera tells Baloo that he is taking Mowgli back to the Man Village]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
* ''[after Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt and tickles him with his feet]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'.
* ''[as he and Mowgli float down a river]'' Lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found.
* ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! 
*''[furiously]'' Are you outta your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
* He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
* ''[repeated line]'' You better believe it!

== Bagheera ==
* &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
* Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftless, stupid jungle bum! 
* Now, come on! Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.

== Mowgli ==
*  ''['''Bagheera:''' So, you can look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you want to stay in the jungle, do you?]'' Yes, I want to stay in the jungle. ''['''Bagheera:''' D'oh. N-N-Now, for the last time, go to sleep!]''
* ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' I say. [pokes Mowgli's nose] What happened to your trunk?]'' ''[pushes stick away]'' Hey! Stop that! ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' [gasps and sputters in shock] A Man-Cub! Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I'll have no Man-Cub my jungle!]'' ''[to Colonel Hathi]'' It's not ''your'' jungle!
* ''[to King Louie]'' But I dunno how to make fire.
* You told me a lie, Kaa. You said I could trust you.
* ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
* ''[to Kaa]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone!

==Kaa==
* It's like you s-said, you can't trus-s-s-t anyone!

== Other ==
* '''Kaa''': ''[after Mowgli learns he has been deceived by the snake]'' If I never see that skinny little shrimp again, it will be too soon. ''[slithering away]'' Oh, my s-ss-s-[[w:sacroiliac joint|sacroiliac]].
* '''Shere Khan''': ''[while Baloo holds his tail]'' Let go, you big oaf!
* '''Mowgli''': ''[angrily hitting Shere Khan's face with a stick]'' Take that, ya big bully!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[first lines; as a narrator]'' Many strange legends are told of these jungles of India, but none so strange as the story of a small boy named Mowgli. It all began when the silence of the jungle was broken by an unfamiliar sound. ''[At the sound of a baby's cries, Bagheera stops at Baby Mowgli's boat]'' It was a sound that had never been heard before in this part of the jungle. ''[Bagheera looks at the boat with Baby Mowgli]'' It was a Man-Cub! If I had known how deeply I was to be involved, I would have obeyed my first impulse and walked away. ''[Bagheera turns back on the branch, but Baby Mowgli cries again, making him return. He looks down and Baby Mowgli looks at him playfully]'' This Man-Cub would have to have nourishment, and soon. It was many days' travel to the nearest Man Village, and without a mother's care, he would soon perish. Then, it occurred to me. A family of wolves I knew had been blessed with a litter of cubs. ''[the wolf pups play around their mother Raksha, Bagheera is looking at them from the bushes, Bagheera with Baby Mowgli watches from the bushes as the family of wolves walk into their lair and puts the baby boy right before the entrance. He goes back into the bushes and waits, but nothing happens, so he carefully sneaks back over and pushes the basket with his paw. The baby cries out in surprise and Bagheera, alarmed by this, runs away. The wolves come out and look at Baby Mowgli, and Raksha smiles down at him, who now giggles]'' I knew there'd be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct, but I wasn't so sure about Rama the father. ''[Rama comes from the jungle, sniffs suspiciously at the baby Man-Cub, sees the smiling face of Raksha, looks at Baby Mowgli playing with the wolf pups again, and smiles, too, and &quot;My Own Home&quot; starts in the background as the wolves take Baby Mowgli into the wolf lair. 10 years later...]'' 10 times the rains had come and gone, and I often stopped by to see how Mowgli the Man-Cub was getting along. He was a favorite with all the young wolf cubs of the pack. ''[Mowgli howls; Raksha and the four young wolves came out of the cave; Grey Brother and Leah playfully tackle and lick Mowgli]'' No Man-Cub was ever happier. And yet...I knew that someday, he would have to go back to his own kind. ''[scene switches to Council Rock on a misty, moonlit night, with howling]'' Then, one night, the Wolf Pack elders met at Council Rock, because Shere Khan, the tiger, had returned to their part of the jungle. This meeting had to change the Man-Cub's entire future.
:'''Akela:''' Shere Khan will surely kill the boy, and all who try to protect him. Now, are we all in agreement as to what must be done? ''[wolves solemnly nod]'' Now, it is my unpleasant duty to tell the boy's father. Rama. Uh, come over here, please.
:'''Rama:''' Yes, Akela?
:'''Akela:''' The Council has reached its decision. The Man-Cub can no longer stay with the pack. He must leave at once.
:'''Rama:''' ''[shocked]'' ''Leave?''
:'''Akela:''' I'm sorry, Rama. There is no other way.
:'''Rama:''' But-- But the Man-Cub is-- Well, he's like my own son! Surely, he's entitled to the protection of the pack.
:'''Akela:''' But, Rama, even the strength of the pack is no match for the tiger.
:'''Rama:''' But the boy cannot survive alone in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' Akela, perhaps I can be of help.
:'''Akela:''' You, Bagheera? How?
:'''Bagheera:''' I know of a Man Village where he'll be safe. Mowgli and I have taken many walks into this jungle together, I'm sure he'll go with me.
:'''Akela:''' So be it. Now, there's no time to lose. Good luck.
:''[scene switches to Bagheera and Mowgli at night]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera... ''[tiredly stretches]'' ...I’m gettin' a little sleepy. Shouldn't we start back home?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli, this time, we're not going back. I'm taking you to a Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' But why?
:'''Bagheera:''' Because Shere Khan has returned to this part of the jungle, and he has sworn to kill you.
:'''Mowgli:''' Kill me? But why would he wanna do that?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man, and Shere Khan is not going to allow you to grow up to become a man; just another hunter with a gun.
:'''Mowgli:''' Aw, we'll just explain to him that I'd never do a thing like that.
:'''Bagheera:''' Nonsense. No one explains anything to Shere Khan.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, maybe so, but I'm not afraid. And besides, I--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[interrupts Mowgli]'' Now, that's enough. We'll spend the night here. Things will look better in the morning. Man-Cub? Man-Cub! Now, come on. Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I don't want to go back to the man-village.
:'''Bagheera:''' Go on. Up you go.
:'''Mowgli:''' That limb way up there?
:'''Bagheera:''' That's right. ''[Mowgli tries to climb the tree-trunk but can't]'' ''[chuckles]'' Is that all the better you can climb?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grunting]'' It's too big around! And besides, I don't have any claws!
:''[Bagheera helps and with some grunting, Mowgli scratches upside down a Bagheera's back, yelps, then climbs back on the Bagheera's back gets Mowgli on that limb. Bagheera helps Mowgli goes in the night on a tree branch.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, get some sleep. We've got a long journey ahead us tomorrow.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' Huh? Heh, you wouldn't last one day. ''[he yawns and lies down to sleep]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not afraid. I-I can look after myself.
:''[Kaa the python then appears from the leaves, he smacks his lips when noticing Mowgli, looks towards Bagheera to see him sleeping. He then approaches Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Say, now! ''[Mowgli looks up unimpressed, scowls at Kaa, and then sticks his tongue out at him.]'' What have we here? ''[chuckles]'' It's a Man-Cub, a deeliss-ss-see-aws-ss-s Man-Cub.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away.]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' That's just what I should do, but I'm not. Now, now, now, ''please'' go to sleep, Man-cub!
:''[Kaa nods his head in agreement and begins to hypnotize Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[imitating Bagheera's sentence]'' Yes-ss-s, Man-Cub. ''[singing]'' Please go to sleep. Please go to sleep. ''[sings this as tuned from &quot;Rock-a-Bye Baby&quot;]'' Sleep, little Man-Cub, res-ss-st in peas-ss-se.
:''[Kaa begins to wrap his coils around a hypnotized Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Sleep. S-SS-Sleep.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[moaning]'' Ba-Ba-Ba-Bagheera?
:''[Kaa wraps his tail tightly around Mowgli's throat, choking Mowgli, himself. Bagheera is still unaware at what's happening.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' Oh, now, look, there's no use arguing anymore. Now, no more talk till morning.
:''[Kaa now completely has a fully hypnotized and smiling Mowgli wrapped around his coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[chuckles]'' He won't ''be'' here in the morning.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[glances at Mowgli and Kaa]'' Huh? Oh, yes, he will-- ''[suddenly realizes what is happening and fully wakes up; alarmed]'' '''KAA!!!! ''HOLD IT, KAA!''''' ''[just before Kaa is about to eat Mowgli, Bagheera angrily slaps Kaa's head onto another tree branch, and Kaa bangs his head on it. This makes Mowgli fully conscious and released from Kaa's coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ohhh, my sinus-ss-s! ''[scowls at Bagheera and moves forward to him]'' You have just made a s-ss-serious mistake, my friend. A very, s-ss-stupid--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[nervously stammering]'' Now, Kaa, I was--
:'''Kaa:''' --mis-ss-stake! ''[Bagheera looks Kaa in his left eye as Kaa begins to hypnotize him]'' Look me in the eye when I'm speaking to you.
:'''Bagheera:''' Please, Kaa.
:'''Kaa:''' ''Both'' eyes, if you please. ''[hypnotizes the panther, and now Bagheera is fully hypnotized and smiling]'' You have just s-ss-sealed your doom. ''[Mowgli pushes Kaa's coils off the branch with his feet, causing the snake to comically fall from the tree]'' Ooooh.
:'''Mowgli:''' Look, ''Bagheera''! ''[points at Kaa]'' Look. ''Bagheera''! Wake up, ''Bagheera''! ''[smacks both his cheeks with his bare hands]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[wakes up]'' Uh, duh, wha--?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[slithering away, angrily]'' Just you wait till I get you in my coils! ''[suddenly stops because a knot on his tail gets stuck between a couple bamboo stems]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs playfully]'' Bagheera, he's got a knot on his tail.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[mimics Mowgli, sarcastically]'' &quot;Hee-hee-hee! He's got a knot on his tail.&quot; ''[frees his tail, but that causes his whole body to come together like an accordion, then Kaa crawls away now with his bent coils]'' Ooooh, this is going to slow down my s-ss-slithering. ''[Mowgli laughs playfully]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' So, you could look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you wanna stay in the jungle, do ya?
:'''Mowgli:''' Yes. I wanna stay in the jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' D'oh! N-NNow, for the last time.... ''[snaps and both half-smirks (on the right) and half-smiles (on the left)]'' ....go to sleep! ''[Mowgli pouts as he tries to get some sleep]'' Man-Cub, heh! Man-Cub. Ah. ''[They finally go to sleep and settle down for the night]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During the inspection of the Jungle Patrol]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Company, left face! ''[elephants turn around in a military fashion]''
:'''Winifred:''' March, march, march. My feet are killing me.
:'''Elephant #1:''' ''[whispers]'' I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Silence in the ranks! ''[he walks around the rank]'' Dress up that line. ''[Elephants raise there rears, he hits Winifred's rear with his cane, and she raise her rear]'' Pull it in, Winifred. ''[he walks back to front]'' Inspection, arms!
:''[Elephants stick their trunks out]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' Stick your nose out.
:'''Mowgli:''' Like this?
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' That's right.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[looking closely at a recruit’s trunk]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. A dusty muzzle. ''[to elephant in question]'' Soldier, remember, in battle, that trunk can save your life. ''[taps trunk with cane]'' Take good care of it, my man.
:'''Elephant #2:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Very good. Carry on. ''[the next recruit has dirty tusks and is lazily chewing on some vegetation until the Colonel clears his throat in serious annoyance]'' Let's have a little more spit and polish on those bayonets. ''[taps tusk with cane]''
:'''Elephant #3:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Esprit de corps!'' That's the way that I earned my commission in the Mahajarah's 5th Pachyderm Brigade. Back in '88, it was-- Or was it?
:'''Winifred:''' ''[whispering to another elephant]'' Here it comes. The &quot;Victoria Cross&quot; bit again.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' It was then I received the Victoria Cross, for bravery above and beyond the call of duty. ''[chuckles]'' Those were the days. Discipline! Discipline was the thing! ''[leans on his bamboo cane]'' It builds character and all that sort of thing, you know. ''[his cane snaps in half as he leans on it]'' Oh. Uh, where was I? Oh, yes. Inspection. ''[The next recruit is a rough-looking elephant with bent tusks and a black eye]'' Well, very good. ''[The next recruit is an elephant with a goofy-looking grin across his face]'' Wipe off that silly grin, soldier! This is the army. ''[The elephant's smile droops into a sad frown, making his tusks droop. The next recruit is focused on a fly buzzing around his face which lands on his trunk]'' Ahem. ''[swats the fly with his cane]'' Eyes front. ''[Next, the lieutenant, with a mop of hair]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. Lieutenant, that haircut is not regulation. ''[messes the hair up]'' Rather on the gaudy side, don't you think? ''[Hathi swipes his cane across, giving the lieutenant a military-style flat-topped haircut]'' There. That's better. ''[Hathi looks to the left]'' And as for you-- ''[Realizes that he's talking to his son Hathi Jr. and looks down]'' Oh, there you are. ''[chuckles]'' Let's keep those heels together, shall we, son?
:'''Junior:''' OK, Pop--sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Yes, that's better. ''[turns to Mowgli]'' Well, a new recruit, eh? ''[chuckles and pokes Mowgli's nose with his cane]'' I say, what happened to your trunk?
:'''Mowgli:''' Hey! Stop that!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[gasps, sputters]'' A Man-Cub! ''[picking up Mowgli with his trunk]'' Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I’ll have no Man-Cub in my jungle! ''[puts him down on ground]''
:'''Mowgli:''' It’s not ''your'' jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' Hold it. Hold it! I can explain, Hathi.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Colonel'' Hathi, if you please, sir.
:''' Bagheera:''' Oh, yes, yes. ''Colonel'' Hathi. The Man-Cub is with me. I'm taking him back to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' To stay?
:'''Bagheera:''' You have the word of Bagheera.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. And remember, an elephant never forgets. ''[mumbling, and Mowgli crosses his arms and frowns at him]'' Heh. I don't know what the army's coming to these days. These young whippersnappers, who do they think they are? ''[clears throat; all the elephants are dosing by now, but wake up as soon as Hathi commands]'' Let's get on with it. Right face! ''[bellows]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Winifred:''' Dear, haven't you forgotten something?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Nonsense, Winifred, old girl. An elephant never forgets.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[about a Hathi Jr.]'' Well, you just forgot our '''''son.'''''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[he somethings realize to forgot what will happen to Junior]'' Uh, uh, son-- Son? ''[stammers]'' '''''SON?!''''' ''[he turns to see Hathi Jr. playing with Mowgli]'' Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, quite right. Heh-heh! To the rear, march!
:''[Elephants turns around to lead a Colonel Hathi's way, look for Hathi Jr. still playing with Mowgli]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' When I grow up, I'm gonna be a ''Colonel''. Just like my--
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[picking up Junior with his trunk]'' If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times--!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[seeing other elephants marching into Hathi's rear]'' Pop! Look out!
:''[The spectacular crash of the elephants, reused in [[Goliath II|Goliath II]] after Jungle Book now takes place. The lazily Elephant #3 chewing on some vegetation while stucking on a Hathi's troopers.]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Gee, Pop. You forgot to say &quot;halt&quot;.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughing, then whispers to Bagheera on Colonel Hathi]'' He said that an elephant never forgets. ''[He laughs hysterically again and stops]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' It's not funny. Now, let's get out of here before anything else happens.
:''[Bagheera and Mowgli leave through the forest]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, where are we going?
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going back to the Man Village right now!
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not going!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[losing his patience]'' Oh, yes, you are!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grabbing hold of a tree]'' I'm stayin' right here!
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going if I have to drag you every step of the way!
:''[Bagheera grabs Mowgli by the loincloth with his teeth and tries to tug him away from the tree, but Mowgli refuses to let go.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[through clenched teeth]'' Let go, you!
:'''Mowgli:''' '''''You''''' let go of ''me!''
:''[Mowgli kicks Bagheera in the face. Bagheera pulls so hard that he loses his grip, and falls backward into the river. He tries to get out of the water, but accidentally hits his head on a log.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[angrily]'' Oh, that '''''does''''' it! I've '''''had''''' it, Man-cub. For now on, you're on your own. '''''Alone!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Don't worry about me.
:''[Bagheera leaves and Mowgli walks aimlessly for a while]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[still walking away]'' Ah. Foolish, Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as Mowgli sits down near some rock with his head low until hears sounds from nearby bushes. Baloo the Bear appears comes in.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scat-singing]'' ''♪ Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee dee-doo. Well, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, yes, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, I mean a doo-be doo-bee doo-be, doo-be doo-bee doo. And with-- ♪'' ''[stops singing; he spoked to sees Mowgli]'' Well, now. ''[chuckles]'' What have we here? ''[he sniffs Mowgli's hair, and Mowgli get really annoyed uncover his head down]'' Hmm. Hey! What a funny little bit of a-- ''[Mowgli slaps him in his nose]'' Oh!
:'''Mowgli:''' Go away!
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, boy! I've seen ''everything'' in these woods. Ooh, what have I run on? What a pretty thing '''''this''''' is!
:'''Mowgli:''' Leave me alone.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, now. ''[pat on Mowgli's back]'' That's pretty big '''''talk,''''' little britches.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm big enough. ''[he starts hitting Baloo in the tummy repeatedly but Baloo doesn't almost notice that]''
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha.. tsk-tsk-tsk. Pitiful. Hey, kid, you need help, an ol' Baloo's gonna learn you to fight like a bear. Now, come on, I'm gonna show you. Grrr! ''[he starts to dance around and Mowgli too, mimicking Baloo's move]'' Ha-ha! Yeah. All right now kid, loosen up, get real loosen, then start to weave, ''weave'' a little, now move, that's it. Now give me a big bear growl, scare me! ''[Mowgli makes a barely audible growl]'' Tsk-tsk-tsk. Oh, boy. I'm talking about like a big bear!
:''[Baloo makes a growl which rocks the jungle to the bottom and even Bagheera who was walking away all this time hears it.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' He's in trouble. Why, I-I shouldn't have left him alone!
:''[Bagheera runs back to Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily growls at Baloo]'' Grrr.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[anger roars loudly]'' '''''GRRR!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' A big one, right from the toes.
:'''Mowgli:''' How's that?
:''[Bagheera arrives and sees Baloo is dance fighting with Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[off in the distance]'' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[off-screen; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftness stupid jungle bum!
:''[Baloo and Mowgli dance around again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Weave about, now look for an opening. Keep movin', keep-- ''[Mowgli takes some swings at Baloo's nose but misses; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid! ''[chuckles]'' Come on, that's it! ''[chuckles]'' He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[chuckles]'' Fine teacher you are, Old Iron Paws.
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, thanks, Bagheera.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yeah, tell me, tell me after you know your pupil senseless, how do you expect him to remember the lesson, Hmm?
:''[Mowgli at this time already came to and sits on the ground, shaking head]''
:'''Baloo:''' Well, I-- I-- I didn't mean to... lay it on him so hard.
:''[Mowgli gets up and walks to Baloo, though kinda unsteadily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not hurt. '''''I'm''''' all right! I'm a lot tougher than some people ''think.''
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it! Now let's go once more. Now, I want you to keep circlin' or I'm gonna knock your roof in again, you better keep movin'-- ''[Mowgli hits Baloo into lower jaw]'' Ooph! ''[playfully falls down]'' Hey! Right on the ''button!'' ''[Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt, occasionally tickling him with his feet; laughing.]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'. ''[chuckling happily; Mowgli starts tickling him deliberately]'' Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we don't do that here, the chat-- Oh, no, you're ticklin', I-I can't stand tick-- ''[chuckling playfully hysterically]'' '''''HELP, BAGHEERA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, boy. That's all he needs. More Confidence.
:'''Mowgli:''' Give up, Baloo?!
:'''Baloo:''' I give up, I told ya! ''[chuckles]'' Ooh, I give-- ''[Mowgli stops tickling him]'' Hey. ''[chuckles]'' You know something? You're all right, kid. What do they call you?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli. And he's going back to the Man Village right now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[shocked]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[he notice Baloo want to stay in the Jungle]'' Oh, Baloo, I want to stay here with you!
:'''Baloo:''' Certainly you do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? And just how do you think he will survive?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[mimics Bagheera, sarcastically]'' &quot;How do you think he will...&quot; What do you mean &quot;How do you think he...&quot; He's with ''me'', ain't he? And ''I'll'' learn him all I know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? That shouldn't take too long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Baloo glares at Bagheera and then turns to Mowgli at the Begins of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' Look, now it's like this, little britches. All you gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessitites of life. Wherever I wander, wherever I roam. I couldn't be fonder of my big home. The bees are buzzin' in the tree to make some honey just for me. When you look under the rocks and plants, and take a glance at the fancy ants. Then maybe try a few... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' You eat ants?
:'''Baloo''': ''[laughs]'' You better believe it. And you're gonna ''love'' the way they tickle.
:''[Rock almost falls on Mowgli]''
:'''Bagheera''': ''[stammers]'' '''MOWGLI, LOOK OUT!'''
:'''Baloo''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[trying to catch an ant]'' But when?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's why a bear can rest at ease with just the Bare Necessities of life. Now when you pick a pawpaw, or a prickly pear... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[pointed prickling finger]'' Ow!
:'''Baloo''': ''[continue singing]'' ''♪ ...And you prick a raw paw. Well, next time, beware! Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw. When you pick a pear try to use the claw. But, you don't need to use the claw. When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw. Have I given you a clue? ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Golly, thanks, Baloo!
:'''Bagheera''': &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
:'''Baloo''': ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to me! ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. ♪'' ''[Music from the song goes on through the whole following scratching scene]'' How 'bout scratchin' that old left shoulder while you're up there, Mowgli? ''[Mowgli scratches Baloo's back]'' Now just a hair lower. There, right there. That's it. Ahh... This is beautiful. That's good. Kid, we've got to get to tree, this calls for some ''big'' scratch.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs]'' You're lots of fun, Baloo!
:''[Baloo is now scratching against a tree]''
:'''Baloo:''' Right on it. Yeah. That's delicious. Ahh... ooh! Just a little bit-- Mm... yeah... ha-ha! Ooh! ''[pulls tree from the ground finally, and scratches by it trunk with his back to the his chest]'' Mm... mmm... ha-ha... ooh. Yeah. ''[Baloo, satisfied, lets himself fall into a river]'' Oh, man, this is really livin'. ''[floats in a river]'' So just try and relax. Yeah. ''[Mowgli gets on his tummy]'' Cool it. Fall apart in my backyard. ''[Mowgli float down a river]'' Cause' lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee-acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found. ''[singing]'' ''♪ When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinking about it. And I'll tell you something true. The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed, and turns walks away]'' Ahh... I give up. Well, I hope his luck holds out.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, how 'bout you singing?
:'''Baloo and Mowgli:''' ''[both singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[the monkeys sees Mowgli and Baloo are singing in the float a river]''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities, that's why a bear can rest at ease. With just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah!
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ With just the Bare Necessities of Life. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[At the end of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughing]'' '''''Beautiful!''''' That's ''real'' jungle harmony.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[smiles]'' I like being a bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[smiles]'' That's my boy. And you're gonna make one swell bear. Why, you even sing like one!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the monkeys have kidnapped Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' Bagheera! ''[Cut to Bagheera]'' ''[off in the distance]'' '''''BAGHEERAAA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[Turns around as he hears Baloo yelling his name a mile away]'' Well, it's happened. Took a little longer than I thought, but it's happened. ''[Starts running back toward Baloo, who's struggling to climb up the cliff. Bagheera reaches the cliff]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[on the edge, screaming loudly]'' '''''BAAA-GEE-RAH!!!!!!!''''' ''[Baloo has screamed so loudly in Bagheera's face that the sound leaves him shaken. Baloo then realizes that Bagheera is in front of him]'' Oh, you heard me, huh?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli? '''''Mowgli?''''' All right, what happened? Where's Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' They ambushed me; '''''thousands''''' of 'em! I jabbed with my left, then I swung with the right, and then I let--!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, for the last time, what happened to Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' Like I told ya; them mangy monkeys carried him off!
:'''Bagheera:''' The Ancient Ruins? Oh, I hate to think about what will happen when he meets that King of theirs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Louie:''' Ha-ha! So, you're the Man-Cub? ''[rolls his eyes]'' Crazy.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not as crazy as you are. ''[to the monkeys]'' Put me down!
:''[A monkey lets go of Mowgli's ankles, and Mowgli lands flat on his face.]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily shaking a fist at the monkey]'' You cut that out!
:'''King Louie:''' ''[picks up Mowgli by his loincloth]'' Cool it, boy, and unwind yourself. ''[scat-sings to himself; Mowgli furiously punches the air]'' Now, c'mon, let's shake, Cousin. ''[grabs Mowgli's hand and shakes it]''
:'''Mowgli:''' What do ya want '''''me''''' for?!
:'''King Louie:''' Word has grabbed my royal ear... ''[opens Mowgli's mouth]'' Have a banana. ''[shoots the banana into Mowgli's mouth]'' ....that you wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full; impressed]'' Stay in the jungle? I sure do.
:'''King Louie:''' Good. And ol' King Louie... ''[scats, then indicates himself with all of his pointy fingers]'' That's me. ...can fix it for you. ''[holds up 3 of his fingers]'' Have ''2'' bananas. ''[shoots the banana pair into Mowgli's mouth]'' Have we got a deal?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full of bananas]'' Yes, sir. I'll do a-- ''[swallows]'' I'll do anything to stay in the jungle.
:'''King Louie:''' Well, then, I'll lay it on the line for you. ''[Begins singing &quot;I Wan'na Be Like You&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Gee, cousin Louie, you're doing real good.
:'''King Louie:''' Now, here's your part of the deal, cuz. Lay the secret on me of man's red fire.
:'''Mowgli:''' But I don't know how to make a fire.
:'''King Louie:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Now don't try to kid me, Man-Cub. I made a deal with you; what I desire is man's red fire to make my dream come true. Now give me the secret, Man-Cub. Come on, clue me what to do. Give me the power of man's red flower, so I can be like you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[eavesdropping]'' '''''Fire?!?!?''''' So, '''''that's''''' what that scoundrel's after.
:'''Baloo:''' I'll tear him limb from limb! I'll beat him up! I'll-- I'll-- ''[starts dancing to the music]'' Yeah. Well, man, what a beat.
:'''Bagheera:''' Will you stop that silly beat business and listen? This will take brains, not brawn.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it, and I'm loaded with both!
:'''Bagheera:''' Would you listen?
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. ''[begins sneaking off into the music]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, while you create a disturbance, I'll rescue Mowgli. Got that?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[dancing away]'' I'm gone, man. Solid gone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[alarmed]'' '''''NOT YET, BALOO!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bagheera:''' And furthermore, Baloo, Mowgli seems to have man's ability to get into trouble, and your influence hasn't been exactly--
:'''Baloo:''' Shh! Keep it down. You're gonna wake Little Buddy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Awww.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, he's had a big day. It was a real sockaroo. You know, it ain't easy learnin' to be like me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Puh! A disgraceful performance; Associating with those undesirable, scatterbrained apes. Huh. I hope Mowgli learned something from that experience.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sighs, talks in his sleep]'' Scooby-dooby-dooby-doo.
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha. That's my boy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, nonsense. ''[Baloo puts leaves under Mowgli's head.]'' Baloo, come over here. I'd like to have a word with you.
:'''Baloo:''' A word? You gonna talk some more? ''[yawns]'' All right, what's up, Bagheera?
:'''Bagheera:''' Baloo, the Man-Cub must go back to the Man Village. ''[Baloo eats some grapes from a tree]'' The jungle is not the place for him.
:'''Baloo:''' I grew up in the jungle. ''[eats another piece of grapes]'' Take a look at me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, just look at yourself. Look at that eye. ''[Baloo looks himself in the river and sees that he has a black eye.]''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah. It's beautiful, ain't it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Frankly, you're a disreputable sight.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you don't look exactly like a basket of fruit, yourself.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[looks himself in the river and sees that he also has a black eye.]'' D'oh! ''[clears his throat]'' Baloo, you can't adopt Mowgli as your son.
:'''Baloo:''' Why not?
:'''Bagheera:''' How... How can I put it? ''[Baloo eats a handful of meat]'' Baloo, birds of a feather should flock together. ''[Baloo shrugs]'' You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Baloo:''' I don't know. ''[chuckling]'' Come to think of it, no panther ever asked me. ''[elbows Bagheera and chuckles]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' Baloo, y-y-you've got to be serious about this.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[seriously]'' Oh, stop worryin', Baggy. Stop worryin', I'll take care of him.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, like you did when the monkeys kidnapped him, huh?
:'''Baloo:''' Can't a guy make one mistake?
:'''Bagheera:''' Not in the jungle. And another thing. Sooner or later, Mowgli will meet Shere Khan.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[suddenly very shocked]'' The tiger? What's '''''he''''' got against the kid?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man with a vengeance, you know that! Because he fears Man's gun and Man's fire.
:'''Baloo:''' But little Mowgli don't have those things.
:'''Bagheera:''' Shere Khan won't wait until he does. He'll get Mowgli while he's young and helpless. ''[raises a paw at Baloo]'' Just one swipe, and--!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Oh! Well-- Well, what are we gonna do?
:'''Bagheera''' ''[seeing that Baloo is now just as worried about Mowgli as he is]'' We'll do what's best for the boy.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it. You name it, and I'll do it.
:'''Bagheera:''' Good. Then make Mowgli go to the Man Village.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Are you out of your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
:'''Bagheera:''' Well, that's just the point! As long as he remains with you, he's in danger. So, it's up to you.
:'''Baloo:''' Why me?!
:'''Bagheera:''' B-B-B-Because he won't listen to me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[humbled]'' But I love that kid. ''[sniffles]'' I love him like he was my own cub.
:'''Bagheera''' Then think of what's best for Mowgli, and not yourself.
:'''Baloo:''' But-- Well, can't-- Well, can't I wait until morning?
:'''Bagheera:''' It's morning now. Go on, Baloo.
:''[An emotional Baloo sighs and walks towards Mowgli before looking back at Bagheera with a choked-up facial expression. Bagheera understands that it's really hard for him, but he urges him with a nod.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; he isn't sure how to tell Mowgli the difficult truth]'' Oh, boy. Mowgli? Mowgli. Um, it's time to get up.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[wakes up with a yawn]'' Oh, hi, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Hi. Hey, rub that old sleep outta your eyes. You and me, we got a long walk ahead of us.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[not really noticing that Baloo is now looking melancholy]'' Swell! Gee, we'll have lots of fun together!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sadly]'' Sure, yeah. Yeah. All right, let's hit the trail, kid. See ya 'round, Bagheera.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, good-bye, Bagheera. Me and Baloo, we've got things to do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Goodbye, Man-Cub. And good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Come on, Baloo. ''[imitating Baloo's sentence about &quot;Bare Necessities&quot;]'' All we've gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, some good ol' Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's way a bear can rest at ease, with just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪'' ''[throw the banana to Baloo]'' Yeah! ''[singing]'' ''♪ I'll live here in the Jungle all my life! ♪'' Yeah, man! I like being a bear. ''[Baloo looks worried holds the banana]'' Where are we going, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[throw the banana off the ground]'' Well, ah... it's a... um, well it's sort of new and, uh--
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[holding a Baloo's paw]'' Oh, I don't care, as long as I'm with you.
:''[the &quot;My Own Home&quot; theme plays in background again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, look, buddy, uh, there's something I've got to tell you.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chasing a butterfly]'' Tell me what, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; rubbing his neck, and scratches his chest]'' Oh, gee whiz. Now, how did ol' Baggy put it? ''[happily realizes what will Bagheera saids]'' Uh, uh, Mowgli... Ha! You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chuckles]'' Gee, I don't even know what you're talking about. ''[catches a butterfly, misses]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, don't you realize that you're ''human?''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[started to playful fight Baloo again]'' I'm not anymore, Baloo. I'm a bear like you!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[nervously]'' Little buddy, look, listen to me.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[playful fighting Baloo's tummy]'' Come on! Come on, Baloo!
:'''Baloo:''' Now Mowgli, stop it now, now hold still. ''[grabs Mowgli's hands]'' I wa-- I wanna tell you something, now listen to me!
:'''Mowgli:''' What's the matter, ol' papa bear?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sadly]'' Look Mowgli, I've been trying to tell you, I've been trying all morning to tell you. '''''I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOU BACK TO THE MAN VILLAGE!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[shocked, alarmed]'' '''''THE MAN VILLAGE?!?'''''
:'''Baloo:''' Now look, kid, I can explain...
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[backs up slowly]'' But-But you said we were partners.
:'''Baloo:''' Now believe me, kid, I--
:'''Mowgli:''' You're just like... like '''''old Bagheera!'''''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Now, ''just'' a minute! ''That's'' going too far! ''[Mowgli runs off in the opposite direction, and Baloo tries to calling for him]'' Hey, Mowgli, where are you going? Wait a minute! Stop! Wait! '''''Wait!''''' Listen to ol' Baloo! Mowgli? ''Mowgli?'' Mowgli! ''[Mowgli flees away, Baloo feeling hurt and betrayed by him]'' Mowgli! ''Mowgli!''  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[runs up to Baloo after hearing him calling for Mowgli]'' Now, what's happened? 
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you're, you're-- You're not gonna believe me, Bagheera, but look-- Now, I used the same words you did, and he ran out on me! 
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[stammering]'' W-Well, don't just stand there! Let's separate! W-We've got to find him! ''[runs off in the opposite direction]''
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, if anything happens to that little guy, I'll ''never'' forgive myself. I ''gotta'' find him. ''Mowgli!'' Mowgli!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shere Khan the Tiger appearing prowling in the grass. Shere Khan comes close to a Bambi's mother deer grazing, lies down ready to pounce, but Colonel Hathi and the other elephants trumpets and deer runs away.]''
:'''Elephants:''' ''[march and sing]'' ''♪ Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Keep it up, two, three-- ♪''
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[furiously]'' What a beastly luck! Confound that ridiculous ''Colonel'' Hathi!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Col. Hathi and the Jungle Patrol are marching]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Stop! Wait a minute. ''[bellows]'' '''''HA-A-A-A-A-A-A-LT!'''''
:''[The Jungle Patrol abruptly stops]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''Oh'''! '''Oh!''''' Who said, &quot;Halt!&quot;? '''''I''''' give the commands around here. Now, speak up. Who was it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it was me, Colonel.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' What do you mean, sir? Taking over my command? Highly irregular, you know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, Colonel, I'm sorry, but, but I need your help.
:''[Shere Khan is seen spying on them]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Oh, absolutely impossible! We're on a cross-country march!
:'''Bagheera:''' But it's an emergency, Colonel. The Man-Cub must be found.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[cocks his left ear while eavesdropping their private chat from afar]'' How interesting.
:'''Bagheera:''' The one who I was taking to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. That's where he belongs. Now, sir, if you don't mind, we'd like to get on with the march.
:'''Bagheera:''' No, no-no, you-you don't understand, Hathi. He is lost. He ran away.
:'''Shere Khan:''' How delightful.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Well, it serves the whippersnapper right.
:'''Bagheera:''' But, but Shere Khan, the Tiger, he's sure to pick up the Man-Cub's trail.
:''[Shere Khan nods his head, agreeing with Bagheera.]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[laughs]'' Shere Khan. Nonsense, old boy. Shere Khan isn't within miles from here. ''[Shere Khan shakes his head in disagreement, and chuckles evilly, as if saying &quot;That's what '''you''' think.&quot;]'' Oh, sorry, Bagheera. Fortunes of war, and all that sort of thing, you know.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[angrily storms towards Hathi, with Hathi Jr. following her]'' This has gone far enough. Far enough! ''[to Hathi]'' Now, just a minute, you pompous old windbag!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Winifred! What are you doing out of ranks?
:'''Winifred:''' Never mind. ''[indicating Hathi Jr.]'' How would you like to have '''''our''''' boy lost and alone in the jungle?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Our son? Alone? But, Winifred, old girl, that's an entirely different matter!
:'''Winifred:''' Huh!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Different, entirely.
:'''Winifred:''' That little boy is no different than our own son. Now, '''''you''''' help find him, or '''''I'm''''' taking over command!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''WHAT?! A female leading my herd?!''''' Utterly preposterous!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Pop, the Man-Cub and I are friends. He'll get hurt if we don't find him. Please, Pop, sir? Please?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[smiles]'' Now, don't you worry, Son. Your father had a plan in mind all the time.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[scoffs; sarcastically]'' '''''Sure''''' you did.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[gets shocked at Winifred's sarcasm, but regains composure, and clears throat]'' Troopers! Company, left face! ''[the elephants turn around in a military fashion]'' Volunteers for a special mission will step one pace forward. ''[the elephants step back; Elephant #3 is still chewing, but stops and backs up; Hathi sees the elephants and chuckles]'' That's what I like to see; Devotion to duty. Now, you volunteers will find the lost Man-Cub.
:'''Bagheera''': Oh, thank you, Colonel. Now, there's no time to lose.
:'''Col. Hathi''': Yes, yes. ''[to Bulger]'' Uh, Bugler, when the Man-Cub is sighted, you will sound your trumpet three times.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': Yes, sir. ''[trumpets loudly, but Hathi abruptly stops him.]''
:'''Col. Hathi''': Shh! Not now, soldier.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': ''[nasally]'' Sorry, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[to Lieutenant]'' Lieutenant, our strategy shall be the element of surprise. ''[whispers]'' You will take one squad, and cover the right flank.
:'''Lieutenant:''' ''[whispers]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[whispers]'' And I shall take the other squad on the '''''left''''' flank. Very well. ''[bellows]'' '''''COMPANY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...''''' ''[bellow echoes]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Shere Khan''': Element of surprise? Ho. I say. ''[chortles]'' And now, for '''''my''''' rendezvous with the little lost Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli walking aimlessly alone in the Jungle. Kaa picks Mowgli with his tail from the ground and raises to the branch he is on]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[surprised]'' Kaa, it's you!
:'''Kaa:''' Yesss, Man-Cub, so nice to see you again. Sss-sss-sss!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away again.]'' Oh, go away. Leave me alone.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[trying to get Mowgli to his hypnosis look into his eyes]'' Let me look at you. ''[Mowgli turns away from Kaa's eyes]'' You don't ''want'' me to look at you? Then you look at me. ''[hypnotize Mowgli with his eyes, and looks away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' No, sir! ''[Kaa wrap his tail to him]'' I know what you're trying to do-- Kaa!
:'''Kaa:''' You do? Uh, I mean... you don't trust me.
:'''Mowgli:''' No!
:'''Kaa:''' Then there's nothing I can do to help.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[untied Kaa's tail with his leg]'' You want to help me?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[he sneaks Mowgli behind, and now waving agreement]'' Ss-certainly. I can see to it that you never to leave this jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' How could you do that?
:'''Kaa:''' Hmm? Oh, I have my own ss-subtle little ways. ''[chuckles]'' But first, you must trust me.
:''[Kaa stares at Mowgli with his eyes, and staring away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I don't trust anyone anymore.
:''[Kaa now struggles with his coils to push Mowgli off his head]''
:'''Kaa:''' I don't blame you. I'm not like those so-called fair-weather friends of yours. You can believe in me. ''[Kaa finally gets to see into Mowgli's eyes long enough; singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes. And trust in me. ♪'' ''[hold Mowgli's forehead with his tail]'' Hold still, please. ''[singing]'' ''♪ You can sleep. Safe and sound. Knowing I...am around. Slip into silent slumber. Sail on a silver mist. Slowly and surely your senses. Will cease to resist. ♪'' ''[Mowgli snores while standing on his head on the tip of Kaa's tail]'' You're snoring.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[half-asleep]'' Sorry.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me, and just in me. [Shere Khan appears below and listens] Shut your eyes, and just in me. ♪''  
:''[Kaa has Mowgli wrapped in his coils as Shere Khan pulls Kaa’s tail like ringing a doorbell]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh! Oh, now what? I'll be right down. ''[gets down from the tree almost completely]'' Yes? Yes? Who is it?
:'''Shere Khan:''' It's me, Shere Khan. Uh, I'd like a word with you, if you don't mind.
:'''Kaa:''' Shere Khan. What a surprise.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Yes, isn't it? I just dropped by. Uh, forgive me if I've interrupted anything.
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, no, no. Nothing at all.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[his claws pop out from his paw, and he drums on the ground with them]'' I thought perhaps that you were entertaining someone up there in your coils.
:'''Kaa:''' Coils? Someone? Oh, no. I was just curling up for my siesta.
:'''Shere Khan:''' But you were singing to someone. ''[grabs hold of Kaa's throat]'' Who is it, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[choking like mad]'' Uh, who? ''[coughs]'' Oh, no. No. I was just...singing to myself.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Indeed.
:'''Kaa:''' Yes. You see, I have... ''[gulps]'' ...trouble with my sssinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' What a pity. ''[releases Kaa's neck and gently pins him to the ground]''
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, you have no idea. It's simply terrible. I can't eat. I can't sssleep. So, I sssing myself to sleep. You know, self-hypnosis? ''[smiles deviously, brings his head close to Shere Khan's face]'' Let me show you how it works. ''[He uses his hypnosis technique with his eyes]'' ''♪ Tru-u-u-ust in me-- ♪''
:''[Shere Khan pushes Kaa away and pins his head to the ground, unaffected]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' Oh, no, I can't be bothered with that. I have no time for that sort of nonsense.
:'''Kaa:''' SS-S-Some other time? Perhaps?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Perhaps. But at the moment, I'm searching for a Man-Cub.
:'''Kaa:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' The one who's lost. Now, where do you suppose he could be?
:'''Kaa:''' Search me. ''[He closes his mouth for telling Shere Khan to search Mowgli on his tentacles]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' That's an excellent idea. ''[chuckles]'' I'm sure that you wouldn't mind showing me your coils, would you, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' Certainly not. ''[lowers his tail]'' Nothing here...and nothing in here. ''[his tail pointing to his mouth open, and Shere Khan hears Mowgli snoring. Alarmed, he starts snorting and coughs.]'' My sinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Indeed. And now, how about the middle?
:'''Kaa:''' The middle? Oh, the middle. ''[lowering the middle leaving Mowgli on the tree trunk spinning around and showing Shere Khan the middle of his coils and then getting tickled]'' Absolutely nothing in the middle.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Really? Well, if you do just happen to see the Man-Cub, you will inform me first. Understand? ''[scratching Kaa's neck gently]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[gulps]'' I get the point. ''[spinning himself into a bow with his head on top]'' Cross my heart, hope to die.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Good show. And now, I must continue my search for the helpless little lad. ''[leaves]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh, who does he think he's fooling? &quot;The helpless little lad.&quot; Ooooh, he gives me the ''sh-sh-sh-shivers.'' ''[Kaa's shivering unintentionally wakes up Mowgli]'' Picking on that poor, little, helpless boy. ''[sighs, but smiles]'' Oh, yes. Poor, little, helpless boy. ''[Mowgli pushes the rest of Kaa off the branches and sends him falling comically to the ground yet again, in the same exact manner]'' Ooh!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[climbs down the tree]'' You told me a lie, Kaa! You said that I could trust you!
:'''Kaa:''' It's like you said; you can't trust anyone! ''[tries to strike Mowgli, only to again be caught in by a knot in his tail; when he pulls it out, his body comes back like an accordion]'' If I never see that s-ss-skinny little shrimp again, it will be too s-s-s-soon.  Ooh, my s-s-s-sacroiliac.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The vultures sitting on a dead tree.]''
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[yawns]'' Hey, Flaps. What we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! Let's flap over to the east side of the jungle. They've always got a bit of action, a bit of a swingin' scene, all right!
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, come off it. Things are right dead all over.
:'''Ziggy:''' You mean that you wish they were! ''[They all laugh, except for Dizzy]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Very funny.
:'''Buzzy:''' OK. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don’t know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' Look, Flaps. First I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;I don't know. What'cha wanna do?&quot; Then I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;What'cha wanna do?&quot; &quot;What we gonna do? What you want...&quot; Let's do ''something!''
:'''Flaps:''' Okay. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[annoyed]'' Oh, blimey. There you go again, the same notes again!
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! This time, I've ''really'' got it!
:'''Buzzy:''' So, you got it. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[spots Mowgli approaching]'' Hold it, lads. Look. Look what's coming our way.
:'''Flaps:''' Hey, what in the world is that?
:'''Ziggy:''' What a crazy-looking bunch of bones.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, and they're all walking about by themselves. ''[they all laugh]''
:''[They look at Mowgli who sits down on a stone]''
:'''Buzzy:''' So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now, don't start ''that'' again!
:'''Ziggy:''' ''[Pushing the others off the tree]'' C'mon, lads. C'mon. Let's have some fun with this little fella. This Little Bloke, eh?
:''[They all fly down to Mowgli]''
:'''Flaps:''' ''[feeling Mowgli's legs]'' Blimey! He's got legs like a stork, he has.
:'''Buzzy:''' Like a stork, heh-heh, but he ain't got no feathers, he ain't.
:''[Vultures laugh, Mowgli feeling hurt when he tears]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Go ahead. Laugh. I don't care.
:''[He walks away]''
:'''Dizzy:''' What's wrong with him?
:'''Flaps:''' I think we overdid it.
:'''Dizzy:''' We were just having a bit of fun, that's all.
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, just look at him. What a poor little fella. You know, he must be down on his luck.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, or he wouldn't be in our neighbourhood.
:''[Buzzy tries to catch up Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Hey, new kid! Wait a minute! Hey!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sadly]'' Just leave me alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Oh, come on, what's wrong? ''You'' know, you look like you haven't got a friend in the world.
:'''Mowgli:''' I haven't.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[indicating Mowgli's parents]'' Haven't you got a mother or a father?
:'''Mowgli:''' No. Nobody wants me around.
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, we know how you feel.
:'''Dizzy:''' Nobody wants us around, either.
:'''Buzzy:''' We may look a bit shabby, but we've got hearts.
:'''Dizzy:''' And feelings, too.
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[smiles]'' And just to prove it to you, we're gonna let you join our little group.
:'''Flaps:''' ''[honored]'' Kid, we'd like to make you an honorary vulture.
:'''Mowgli:''' Thanks, but I-- I'd rather be on my own alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Uh, now look, kid, ''everybody's'' got to have ''friends.'' ''[to vultures]'' Hey, fellas, are we his friends? ''[Begins sings &quot;That's what friends are for&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[applauds]'' Bravo. Bravo. An extraordinary performance. ''[evilly]'' And thank you for detaining my victim.
:'''Flaps:''' Uh, d-don't mention it... ''[gulps]'' ...Your Highness.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[chuckles]'' Boo!
:''[the Vultures get scared of Shere Khan]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Let's get out of here!
:'''Buzzy:''' Give me room! Gangway! ''[to Mowgli]'' Run, friend! Run!
:'''Mowgli:''' Run? Why should ''I'' run?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Why should you run? Could it be possible that you don't know who I am?
:'''Mowgli:''' I know you, all right. You're Shere Khan.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Precisely. ''[pops his claws out of his right paw]'' Then you should also know that ''everyone'' runs from Shere Khan. ''[pokes Mowgli's chin with his right paw]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Ah, you have spirit for one so small. And such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance. Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and count to 10. It makes the chase more interesting...for me. 1... ''[Mowgli looks for something to defend himself with as Shere Khan continues counting]''...2... ''[Mowgli spots something and goes over to retrieve it.]'' ...3... ''[As Mowgli picks up a stick, Shere Khan begins to suspect something.]'' ...4... ''[Mowgli prepares to defend himself]'' You're trying my patience. ''[counts faster just as Baloo arrives]'' 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
:''[Shere Khan leaps at Mowgli with a loud roar, Mowgli loses all of his nerve at the sight of this fearsome creature; Shere Khan almost catches Mowgli until Baloo grabs him by the tail]''
:'''Baloo:''' Run, Mowgli, run!
:'''Shere Khan''': Let go, you big oaf!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scared]'' Ooh! Take it easy! Take it-- Ooh! H-Hold it! Hold it! Whoa! Slow down! ''[Shere Khan tries to bite him]'' Whoa! Yeow! Whoa! Slow! Easy, now! Ooh! Whoa, whoa, easy!
:'''Buzzy:''' He's got a tiger by the tail, he has.
:'''Dizzy:''' And he'd better hang on, too.
:''[Baloo hides beside a tree, but Shere Khan bites him in the butt]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[screams in agony]'' '''''YEOW!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hits Shere Khan with a thick twig in retaliation]'' Take that, you big bully! 
:'''Flaps:''' Let 'im have it again, kid! Hit 'im again, kid! Go on!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[starts to flee as Shere Khan chases him, but Baloo grabs Shere Khan's tail]'' Baloo, help me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[he hangs over a tree branch, shocked, and turns around to Shere Khan chases Mowgli]'' '''''OOHH!''''' ''[stammers]'' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! ''[as he runs, Shere Khan roars, and Baloo gets a bumpy slide on the ground]'' Somebody do something with that kid.
:'''Ziggy:''' Come on, lads!
:''[Flaps and Ziggy have just saved Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' He's safe now! ''[laughs]'' You can let go, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Are you kiddin'? There's teeth on the other end.
:''[Baloo hanging over a branch, Shere Khan gets Baloo on the ground before him, and Shere Khan throws Baloo on the ground]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' I’ll kill you for this.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[Flaps and Buzzy are holding him]'' Let go! Baloo needs help!
:''[Suddenly, a thunderclap is heard and lightning strikes a tree, splitting it in half and catches fire]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Fire! That's the only thing that Ol' Stripes is afraid of.
:'''Flaps:''' You get the fire, we'll do the rest.
:''[Mowgli picks up a fire branch, Shere Khan knocks Baloo out]''
:'''Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy:''' '''''CHARGE!!'''''
:''[Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy hover Shere Khan and laugh]''
:'''Flaps:''' Punch and blow!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Stay out of this, you mangy fools!
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, yeah! ''[ducks during Shere Khan's attack]'' Missed me a mile, he did! ''[vultures laughs, Mowgli try to get the fire branch, Flaps pulls a Shere Khan's whiskers]'' Yeah, pull his blinkin' whiskers!
:'''Flaps:''' He's a bloomin' pussycat is! 
:''[Mowgli takes a burning branch and ties it to Shere Khan's tail]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Look behind you, chum.
:''[Shere Khan gasps, he panic runs away, getting burnt by the fire on every step, and flees away]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, that was the last of him.
:''[they vultures laughs]''
:'''Ziggy:''' Old stripes took off like a flaming comet, idiot.
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, come on, let's go congratulate our friend.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[approaching]'' Hold it, fellas. Now's not the time for it. Look.
:''[Mowgli comes to Baloo, who is lying without signs of life has [[w:Death|died]] at the paws of Shere Khan]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Baloo? Baloo, get up. Oh please, get up. Oh.  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[appears, sadly]'' Mowgli, try to understand.
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, what's the matter with him?
:'''Bagheera:''' You've got to be brave, like Baloo was.
:'''Mowgli:''' Y-You don't mean--? Oh, no. Baloo.
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, now. I know how you feel. But you must remember, Mowgli: ''[quotes John 15:13 from the Holy Bible]'' &quot;Greater love hath no one than he who lays down his life for his friend.&quot; ''[As the panther speaks, Baloo opens his eyes, alive and well.]'' When great deeds are remembered in this jungle, one name will stand above all others; our friend Baloo the Bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sniffling]'' He's crackin’ me up.
:'''Bagheera:''' The memory of Baloo's sacrifice and bravery will forever be engraved on our saddened hearts.
:'''Baloo:''' Beautiful.
:'''Bagheera:''' This spot where Baloo fell will always be a hallowed place in the jungle, for there lies one of nature's noblest creatures.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sniffling]'' I wish that my mother could've heard this.
:'''Bagheera:''' It's best we leave now. Come along, Man-Cub.
:'''Baloo:''' Hey, don't stop now, Baggy, you're doin' great! There's more! Lots more!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sees Baloo still alive and is furious]'' '''''WHY, YOU.... BIG.... FRAUD!!!!''''' You.... You-You-You four-flusher! I-I am fed up!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hugs Baloo]'' Baloo! You're all right!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughs]'' Who, me? Sure, I am! Never felt... better.
:''[Vultures laugh happily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs in relief]'' You sure had us worried.
:'''Baloo:''' Aw, I was just takin' 5. Y'know, like, playin' it cool. Heh! Yeah, but he was too easy.
:'''Mowgli:''' Good ol' Papa Bear!
:'''Dizzy:''' It's going to be a bit dull without that Little Bloke, isn't it?
:'''Buzzie:''' Yeah. So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now don't start ''that'' again!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dissolve to Baloo, Mowgli and Bagheera walking]''
:'''Baloo:''' Hey Baggy, too bad you missed the action. You should have seen how I made a sucker out ol' stripes with that left up in his face. ''[fists Bagheera's face]'' Boom, boom, I was giving him '''''wham'''''! ''[to Mowgli]'' You know some, we're good sparring partners.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[imitating Baloo's sentence]'' You better believe it!
:'''Baloo:''' Yes, sir! Nothing that nobody is ever gonna come between us again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli sees the girl from the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Look. What's that?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it's the Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' No, no. I mean '''''that'''''.
:'''Baloo:''' Forget about those. They ain't nothin’ but trouble.
:'''Mowgli:''' Just a minute. I've never seen one before.
:'''Baloo:''' So you've seen one. So let's go.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'll be right back. I want a better look.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, wait a minute!
:'''Bagheera:''' Ah, Baloo. Let him have a better look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shanti drops her pot of water purposefully, pretending to do it by accident, and it rolls towards Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' She did that on purpose!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiling]'' Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Mowgli. Come back. Come back!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[encouragingly]'' Go on. Go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines; After Mowgli, falling in love with Shanti, enters the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[stunned]'' He's hooked.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiles]'' Ah, it was inevitable, Baloo. The boy couldn't help himself. It was bound to happen. Mowgli is where he belongs now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[resigned]'' Yeah. I guess you're right. ''[smiles]'' But I still think that he'd have made one swell bear. ''[inhales]'' Well, c'mon, Baggy, buddy. Let's get back to where ''we'' belong, and get with the beat. ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''

== Cast==
* [[w:Bruce Reitherman|Bruce Reitherman]] as Mowgli
* [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] as Baloo
* [[w:Sebastian Cabot (actor)|Sebastian Cabot]] as Bagheera
* [[w:Louis Prima|Louis Prima]] as King Louie
* [[w:George Sanders|George Sanders]] as Shere Khan
* [[w:Sterling Holloway|Sterling Holloway]] as Kaa
* [[w:J. Pat O'Malley|J. Pat O'Malley]] as Colonel Hathi/Buzzie
* [[w:Verna Felton|Verna Felton]] as Winifred
* [[w:Clint Howard|Clint Howard]] as Junior
* [[w:Chad Stuart|Chad Stuart]] as Flaps
* [[w:Lord Tim Hudson|Lord Tim Hudson]] as Dizzie
* [[w:John Abbott (actor, born 1905)|John Abbott]] as Akela
* [[w:Ben Wright (actor)|Ben Wright]] as Rama the Father Wolf
* [[w:Darleen Carr|Darleen Carr]] as The Girl (named Shanti in ''The Jungle Book 2'')
* [[w:Leo De Lyon|Leo De Lyon]] as Flunkey*
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] as The Slob Elephant*
* [[w:Digby Wolfe|Digby Wolfe]] as Ziggy*
* [[w:Skiles and Henderson|Bill Skiles and Pete Henderson]] as Monkeys*
* [[w:Thurl Ravenscroft|Thurl Ravenscroft]] as Colonel Hathi's crew
* [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] as Shere Khan (roaring)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Jungle Book (1967 film)}}
*{{Commonscat-inline}}
* [http://disney.go.com/disneyvideos/animatedfilms/junglebook/ Official website]
* {{imdb title|id=0061852}}
* [http://www.toonopedia.com/junglebk.htm Don Markstein's Toonopedia: The Jungle Book]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jungle Book, The}}
[[Category:1960s American animated films]]
[[Category:1967 films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Wolfgang Reitherman films]]
[[Category:The Jungle Book films|Jungle Book 1]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]''''', is an animated 1967 film based on [[Rudyard Kipling]]'s ''Mowgli'' stories, was released in October [[w:1967 in film|1967]] by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]]. This best-known adaptation was producer [[Walt Disney]]'s last animated project. Disney released a sequel in 2003, ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]''.

{{center|'''The jungle is JUMPIN'!'''}}

== Baloo ==
* ''[after he, Bagheera, and Mowgli escape from King Louie and company]'' Whew! ''[laughs]'' Man, that's what I call a swingin' party!
* ''[after Bagheera tells Baloo that he is taking Mowgli back to the Man Village]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
* ''[after Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt and tickles him with his feet]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'.
* ''[as he and Mowgli float down a river]'' Lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found.
* ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! 
*''[furiously]'' Are you outta your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
* He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
* ''[repeated line]'' You better believe it!

== Bagheera ==
* &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
* Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftless, stupid jungle bum! 
* Now, come on! Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.

== Mowgli ==
*  ''['''Bagheera:''' So, you can look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you want to stay in the jungle, do you?]'' Yes, I want to stay in the jungle. ''['''Bagheera:''' D'oh. N-N-Now, for the last time, go to sleep!]''
* ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' I say. [pokes Mowgli's nose] What happened to your trunk?]'' ''[pushes stick away]'' Hey! Stop that! ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' [gasps and sputters in shock] A Man-Cub! Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I'll have no Man-Cub my jungle!]'' ''[to Colonel Hathi]'' It's not ''your'' jungle!
* ''[to King Louie]'' But I dunno how to make fire.
* You told me a lie, Kaa. You said I could trust you.
* ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
* ''[to Kaa]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone!

==Kaa==
* It's like you s-said, you can't trus-s-s-t anyone!

== Other ==
* '''Kaa''': ''[after Mowgli learns he has been deceived by the snake]'' If I never see that skinny little shrimp again, it will be too soon. ''[slithering away]'' Oh, my s-ss-s-[[w:sacroiliac joint|sacroiliac]].
* '''Shere Khan''': ''[while Baloo holds his tail]'' Let go, you big oaf!
* '''Mowgli''': ''[angrily hitting Shere Khan's face with a stick]'' Take that, ya big bully!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[first lines; as a narrator]'' Many strange legends are told of these jungles of India, but none so strange as the story of a small boy named Mowgli. It all began when the silence of the jungle was broken by an unfamiliar sound. ''[At the sound of a baby's cries, Bagheera stops at Baby Mowgli's boat]'' It was a sound that had never been heard before in this part of the jungle. ''[Bagheera looks at the boat with Baby Mowgli]'' It was a Man-Cub! If I had known how deeply I was to be involved, I would have obeyed my first impulse and walked away. ''[Bagheera turns back on the branch, but Baby Mowgli cries again, making him return. He looks down and Baby Mowgli looks at him playfully]'' This Man-Cub would have to have nourishment, and soon. It was many days' travel to the nearest Man Village, and without a mother's care, he would soon perish. Then, it occurred to me. A family of wolves I knew had been blessed with a litter of cubs. ''[the wolf pups play around their mother Raksha, Bagheera is looking at them from the bushes, Bagheera with Baby Mowgli watches from the bushes as the family of wolves walk into their lair and puts the baby boy right before the entrance. He goes back into the bushes and waits, but nothing happens, so he carefully sneaks back over and pushes the basket with his paw. The baby cries out in surprise and Bagheera, alarmed by this, runs away. The wolves come out and look at Baby Mowgli, and Raksha smiles down at him, who now giggles]'' I knew there'd be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct, but I wasn't so sure about Rama the father. ''[Rama comes from the jungle, sniffs suspiciously at the baby Man-Cub, sees the smiling face of Raksha, looks at Baby Mowgli playing with the wolf pups again, and smiles, too, and &quot;My Own Home&quot; starts in the background as the wolves take Baby Mowgli into the wolf lair. 10 years later...]'' 10 times the rains had come and gone, and I often stopped by to see how Mowgli the Man-Cub was getting along. He was a favorite with all the young wolf cubs of the pack. ''[Mowgli howls; Raksha and the four young wolves came out of the cave; Grey Brother and Leah playfully tackle and lick Mowgli]'' No Man-Cub was ever happier. And yet...I knew that someday, he would have to go back to his own kind. ''[scene switches to Council Rock on a misty, moonlit night, with howling]'' Then, one night, the Wolf Pack elders met at Council Rock, because Shere Khan, the tiger, had returned to their part of the jungle. This meeting had to change the Man-Cub's entire future.
:'''Akela:''' Shere Khan will surely kill the boy, and all who try to protect him. Now, are we all in agreement as to what must be done? ''[wolves solemnly nod]'' Now, it is my unpleasant duty to tell the boy's father. Rama. Uh, come over here, please.
:'''Rama:''' Yes, Akela?
:'''Akela:''' The Council has reached its decision. The Man-Cub can no longer stay with the pack. He must leave at once.
:'''Rama:''' ''[shocked]'' ''Leave?''
:'''Akela:''' I'm sorry, Rama. There is no other way.
:'''Rama:''' But-- But the Man-Cub is-- Well, he's like my own son! Surely, he's entitled to the protection of the pack.
:'''Akela:''' But, Rama, even the strength of the pack is no match for the tiger.
:'''Rama:''' But the boy cannot survive alone in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' Akela, perhaps I can be of help.
:'''Akela:''' You, Bagheera? How?
:'''Bagheera:''' I know of a Man Village where he'll be safe. Mowgli and I have taken many walks into this jungle together, I'm sure he'll go with me.
:'''Akela:''' So be it. Now, there's no time to lose. Good luck.
:''[scene switches to Bagheera and Mowgli at night]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera... ''[tiredly stretches]'' ...I’m gettin' a little sleepy. Shouldn't we start back home?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli, this time, we're not going back. I'm taking you to a Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' But why?
:'''Bagheera:''' Because Shere Khan has returned to this part of the jungle, and he has sworn to kill you.
:'''Mowgli:''' Kill me? But why would he wanna do that?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man, and Shere Khan is not going to allow you to grow up to become a man; just another hunter with a gun.
:'''Mowgli:''' Aw, we'll just explain to him that I'd never do a thing like that.
:'''Bagheera:''' Nonsense. No one explains anything to Shere Khan.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, maybe so, but I'm not afraid. And besides, I--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[interrupts Mowgli]'' Now, that's enough. We'll spend the night here. Things will look better in the morning. Man-Cub? Man-Cub! Now, come on. Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I don't want to go back to the man-village.
:'''Bagheera:''' Go on. Up you go.
:'''Mowgli:''' That limb way up there?
:'''Bagheera:''' That's right. ''[Mowgli tries to climb the tree-trunk but can't]'' ''[chuckles]'' Is that all the better you can climb?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grunting]'' It's too big around! And besides, I don't have any claws!
:''[Bagheera helps and with some grunting, Mowgli scratches upside down a Bagheera's back, yelps, then climbs back on the Bagheera's back gets Mowgli on that limb. Bagheera helps Mowgli goes in the night on a tree branch.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, get some sleep. We've got a long journey ahead us tomorrow.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' Huh? Heh, you wouldn't last one day. ''[he yawns and lies down to sleep]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not afraid. I-I can look after myself.
:''[Kaa the python then appears from the leaves, he smacks his lips when noticing Mowgli, looks towards Bagheera to see him sleeping. He then approaches Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Say, now! ''[Mowgli looks up unimpressed, scowls at Kaa, and then sticks his tongue out at him.]'' What have we here? ''[chuckles]'' It's a Man-Cub, a deeliss-ss-see-aws-ss-s Man-Cub.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away.]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' That's just what I should do, but I'm not. Now, now, now, ''please'' go to sleep, Man-cub!
:''[Kaa nods his head in agreement and begins to hypnotize Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[imitating Bagheera's sentence]'' Yes-ss-s, Man-Cub. ''[singing]'' Please go to sleep. Please go to sleep. ''[sings this as tuned from &quot;Rock-a-Bye Baby&quot;]'' Sleep, little Man-Cub, res-ss-st in peas-ss-se.
:''[Kaa begins to wrap his coils around a hypnotized Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Sleep. S-SS-Sleep.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[moaning]'' Ba-Ba-Ba-Bagheera?
:''[Kaa wraps his tail tightly around Mowgli's throat, choking Mowgli, himself. Bagheera is still unaware at what's happening.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' Oh, now, look, there's no use arguing anymore. Now, no more talk till morning.
:''[Kaa now completely has a fully hypnotized and smiling Mowgli wrapped around his coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[chuckles]'' He won't ''be'' here in the morning.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[glances at Mowgli and Kaa]'' Huh? Oh, yes, he will, I-- ''[suddenly realizes what is happening and fully wakes up; alarmed]'' '''KAA!!!! ''HOLD IT, KAA!''''' ''[just before Kaa is about to eat Mowgli, Bagheera angrily slaps Kaa's head onto another tree branch, and Kaa bangs his head on it. This makes Mowgli fully conscious and released from Kaa's coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ohhh, my sinus-ss-s! ''[scowls at Bagheera and moves forward to him]'' You have just made a s-ss-serious mistake, my friend. A very, s-ss-stupid--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[nervously stammering]'' Now, Kaa, I was--
:'''Kaa:''' --mis-ss-stake! ''[Bagheera looks Kaa in his left eye as Kaa begins to hypnotize him]'' Look me in the eye when I'm speaking to you.
:'''Bagheera:''' Please, Kaa.
:'''Kaa:''' ''Both'' eyes, if you please. ''[hypnotizes the panther, and now Bagheera is fully hypnotized and smiling]'' You have just s-ss-sealed your doom. ''[Mowgli pushes Kaa's coils off the branch with his feet, causing the snake to comically fall from the tree]'' Ooooh.
:'''Mowgli:''' Look, ''Bagheera''! ''[points at Kaa]'' Look. ''Bagheera''! Wake up, ''Bagheera''! ''[smacks both his cheeks with his bare hands]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[wakes up]'' Uh, duh, wha--?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[slithering away, angrily]'' Just you wait till I get you in my coils! ''[suddenly stops because a knot on his tail gets stuck between a couple bamboo stems]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs playfully]'' Bagheera, he's got a knot on his tail.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[mimics Mowgli, sarcastically]'' &quot;Hee-hee-hee! He's got a knot on his tail.&quot; ''[frees his tail, but that causes his whole body to come together like an accordion, then Kaa crawls away now with his bent coils]'' Ooooh, this is going to slow down my s-ss-slithering. ''[Mowgli laughs playfully]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' So, you could look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you wanna stay in the jungle, do ya?
:'''Mowgli:''' Yes. I wanna stay in the jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' D'oh! N-NNow, for the last time.... ''[snaps and both half-smirks (on the right) and half-smiles (on the left)]'' ....go to sleep! ''[Mowgli pouts as he tries to get some sleep]'' Man-Cub, heh! Man-Cub. Ah. ''[They finally go to sleep and settle down for the night]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During the inspection of the Jungle Patrol]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Company, left face! ''[elephants turn around in a military fashion]''
:'''Winifred:''' March, march, march. My feet are killing me.
:'''Elephant #1:''' ''[whispers]'' I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Silence in the ranks! ''[he walks around the rank]'' Dress up that line. ''[Elephants raise there rears, he hits Winifred's rear with his cane, and she raise her rear]'' Pull it in, Winifred. ''[he walks back to front]'' Inspection, arms!
:''[Elephants stick their trunks out]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' Stick your nose out.
:'''Mowgli:''' Like this?
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' That's right.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[looking closely at a recruit’s trunk]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. A dusty muzzle. ''[to elephant in question]'' Soldier, remember, in battle, that trunk can save your life. ''[taps trunk with cane]'' Take good care of it, my man.
:'''Elephant #2:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Very good. Carry on. ''[the next recruit has dirty tusks and is lazily chewing on some vegetation until the Colonel clears his throat in serious annoyance]'' Let's have a little more spit and polish on those bayonets. ''[taps tusk with cane]''
:'''Elephant #3:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Esprit de corps!'' That's the way that I earned my commission in the Mahajarah's 5th Pachyderm Brigade. Back in '88, it was-- Or was it?
:'''Winifred:''' ''[whispering to another elephant]'' Here it comes. The &quot;Victoria Cross&quot; bit again.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' It was then I received the Victoria Cross, for bravery above and beyond the call of duty. ''[chuckles]'' Those were the days. Discipline! Discipline was the thing! ''[leans on his bamboo cane]'' It builds character and all that sort of thing, you know. ''[his cane snaps in half as he leans on it]'' Oh. Uh, where was I? Oh, yes. Inspection. ''[The next recruit is a rough-looking elephant with bent tusks and a black eye]'' Well, very good. ''[The next recruit is an elephant with a goofy-looking grin across his face]'' Wipe off that silly grin, soldier! This is the army. ''[The elephant's smile droops into a sad frown, making his tusks droop. The next recruit is focused on a fly buzzing around his face which lands on his trunk]'' Ahem. ''[swats the fly with his cane]'' Eyes front. ''[Next, the lieutenant, with a mop of hair]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. Lieutenant, that haircut is not regulation. ''[messes the hair up]'' Rather on the gaudy side, don't you think? ''[Hathi swipes his cane across, giving the lieutenant a military-style flat-topped haircut]'' There. That's better. ''[Hathi looks to the left]'' And as for you-- ''[Realizes that he's talking to his son Hathi Jr. and looks down]'' Oh, there you are. ''[chuckles]'' Let's keep those heels together, shall we, son?
:'''Junior:''' OK, Pop--sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Yes, that's better. ''[turns to Mowgli]'' Well, a new recruit, eh? ''[chuckles and pokes Mowgli's nose with his cane]'' I say, what happened to your trunk?
:'''Mowgli:''' Hey! Stop that!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[gasps, sputters]'' A Man-Cub! ''[picking up Mowgli with his trunk]'' Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I’ll have no Man-Cub in my jungle! ''[puts him down on ground]''
:'''Mowgli:''' It’s not ''your'' jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' Hold it. Hold it! I can explain, Hathi.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Colonel'' Hathi, if you please, sir.
:''' Bagheera:''' Oh, yes, yes. ''Colonel'' Hathi. The Man-Cub is with me. I'm taking him back to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' To stay?
:'''Bagheera:''' You have the word of Bagheera.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. And remember, an elephant never forgets. ''[mumbling, and Mowgli crosses his arms and frowns at him]'' Heh. I don't know what the army's coming to these days. These young whippersnappers, who do they think they are? ''[clears throat; all the elephants are dosing by now, but wake up as soon as Hathi commands]'' Let's get on with it. Right face! ''[bellows]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Winifred:''' Dear, haven't you forgotten something?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Nonsense, Winifred, old girl. An elephant never forgets.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[about a Hathi Jr.]'' Well, you just forgot our '''''son.'''''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[he somethings realize to forgot what will happen to Junior]'' Uh, uh, son-- Son? ''[stammers]'' '''''SON?!''''' ''[he turns to see Hathi Jr. playing with Mowgli]'' Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, quite right. Heh-heh! To the rear, march!
:''[Elephants turns around to lead a Colonel Hathi's way, look for Hathi Jr. still playing with Mowgli]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' When I grow up, I'm gonna be a ''Colonel''. Just like my--
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[picking up Junior with his trunk]'' If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times--!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[seeing other elephants marching into Hathi's rear]'' Pop! Look out!
:''[The spectacular crash of the elephants, reused in [[Goliath II|Goliath II]] after Jungle Book now takes place. The lazily Elephant #3 chewing on some vegetation while stucking on a Hathi's troopers.]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Gee, Pop. You forgot to say &quot;halt&quot;.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughing, then whispers to Bagheera on Colonel Hathi]'' He said that an elephant never forgets. ''[He laughs hysterically again and stops]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' It's not funny. Now, let's get out of here before anything else happens.
:''[Bagheera and Mowgli leave through the forest]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, where are we going?
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going back to the Man Village right now!
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not going!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[losing his patience]'' Oh, yes, you are!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grabbing hold of a tree]'' I'm stayin' right here!
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going if I have to drag you every step of the way!
:''[Bagheera grabs Mowgli by the loincloth with his teeth and tries to tug him away from the tree, but Mowgli refuses to let go.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[through clenched teeth]'' Let go, you!
:'''Mowgli:''' '''''You''''' let go of ''me!''
:''[Mowgli kicks Bagheera in the face. Bagheera pulls so hard that he loses his grip, and falls backward into the river. He tries to get out of the water, but accidentally hits his head on a log.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[angrily]'' Oh, that '''''does''''' it! I've '''''had''''' it, Man-cub. For now on, you're on your own. '''''Alone!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Don't worry about me.
:''[Bagheera leaves and Mowgli walks aimlessly for a while]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[still walking away]'' Ah. Foolish, Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as Mowgli sits down near some rock with his head low until hears sounds from nearby bushes. Baloo the Bear appears comes in.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scat-singing]'' ''♪ Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee dee-doo. Well, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, yes, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, I mean a doo-be doo-bee doo-be, doo-be doo-bee doo. And with-- ♪'' ''[stops singing; he spoked to sees Mowgli]'' Well, now. ''[chuckles]'' What have we here? ''[he sniffs Mowgli's hair, and Mowgli get really annoyed uncover his head down]'' Hmm. Hey! What a funny little bit of a-- ''[Mowgli slaps him in his nose]'' Oh!
:'''Mowgli:''' Go away!
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, boy! I've seen ''everything'' in these woods. Ooh, what have I run on? What a pretty thing '''''this''''' is!
:'''Mowgli:''' Leave me alone.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, now. ''[pat on Mowgli's back]'' That's pretty big '''''talk,''''' little britches.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm big enough. ''[he starts hitting Baloo in the tummy repeatedly but Baloo doesn't almost notice that]''
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha.. tsk-tsk-tsk. Pitiful. Hey, kid, you need help, an ol' Baloo's gonna learn you to fight like a bear. Now, come on, I'm gonna show you. Grrr! ''[he starts to dance around and Mowgli too, mimicking Baloo's move]'' Ha-ha! Yeah. All right now kid, loosen up, get real loosen, then start to weave, ''weave'' a little, now move, that's it. Now give me a big bear growl, scare me! ''[Mowgli makes a barely audible growl]'' Tsk-tsk-tsk. Oh, boy. I'm talking about like a big bear!
:''[Baloo makes a growl which rocks the jungle to the bottom and even Bagheera who was walking away all this time hears it.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' He's in trouble. Why, I-I shouldn't have left him alone!
:''[Bagheera runs back to Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily growls at Baloo]'' Grrr.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[anger roars loudly]'' '''''GRRR!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' A big one, right from the toes.
:'''Mowgli:''' How's that?
:''[Bagheera arrives and sees Baloo is dance fighting with Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[off in the distance]'' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[off-screen; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftness stupid jungle bum!
:''[Baloo and Mowgli dance around again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Weave about, now look for an opening. Keep movin', keep-- ''[Mowgli takes some swings at Baloo's nose but misses; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid! ''[chuckles]'' Come on, that's it! ''[chuckles]'' He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[chuckles]'' Fine teacher you are, Old Iron Paws.
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, thanks, Bagheera.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yeah, tell me, tell me after you know your pupil senseless, how do you expect him to remember the lesson, Hmm?
:''[Mowgli at this time already came to and sits on the ground, shaking head]''
:'''Baloo:''' Well, I-- I-- I didn't mean to... lay it on him so hard.
:''[Mowgli gets up and walks to Baloo, though kinda unsteadily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not hurt. '''''I'm''''' all right! I'm a lot tougher than some people ''think.''
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it! Now let's go once more. Now, I want you to keep circlin' or I'm gonna knock your roof in again, you better keep movin'-- ''[Mowgli hits Baloo into lower jaw]'' Ooph! ''[playfully falls down]'' Hey! Right on the ''button!'' ''[Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt, occasionally tickling him with his feet; laughing.]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'. ''[chuckling happily; Mowgli starts tickling him deliberately]'' Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we don't do that here, the chat-- Oh, no, you're ticklin', I-I can't stand tick-- ''[chuckling playfully hysterically]'' '''''HELP, BAGHEERA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, boy. That's all he needs. More Confidence.
:'''Mowgli:''' Give up, Baloo?!
:'''Baloo:''' I give up, I told ya! ''[chuckles]'' Ooh, I give-- ''[Mowgli stops tickling him]'' Hey. ''[chuckles]'' You know something? You're all right, kid. What do they call you?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli. And he's going back to the Man Village right now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[shocked]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[he notice Baloo want to stay in the Jungle]'' Oh, Baloo, I want to stay here with you!
:'''Baloo:''' Certainly you do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? And just how do you think he will survive?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[mimics Bagheera, sarcastically]'' &quot;How do you think he will...&quot; What do you mean &quot;How do you think he...&quot; He's with ''me'', ain't he? And ''I'll'' learn him all I know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? That shouldn't take too long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Baloo glares at Bagheera and then turns to Mowgli at the Begins of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' Look, now it's like this, little britches. All you gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessitites of life. Wherever I wander, wherever I roam. I couldn't be fonder of my big home. The bees are buzzin' in the tree to make some honey just for me. When you look under the rocks and plants, and take a glance at the fancy ants. Then maybe try a few... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' You eat ants?
:'''Baloo''': ''[laughs]'' You better believe it. And you're gonna ''love'' the way they tickle.
:''[Rock almost falls on Mowgli]''
:'''Bagheera''': ''[stammers]'' '''MOWGLI, LOOK OUT!'''
:'''Baloo''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[trying to catch an ant]'' But when?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's why a bear can rest at ease with just the Bare Necessities of life. Now when you pick a pawpaw, or a prickly pear... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[pointed prickling finger]'' Ow!
:'''Baloo''': ''[continue singing]'' ''♪ ...And you prick a raw paw. Well, next time, beware! Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw. When you pick a pear try to use the claw. But, you don't need to use the claw. When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw. Have I given you a clue? ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Golly, thanks, Baloo!
:'''Bagheera''': &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
:'''Baloo''': ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to me! ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. ♪'' ''[Music from the song goes on through the whole following scratching scene]'' How 'bout scratchin' that old left shoulder while you're up there, Mowgli? ''[Mowgli scratches Baloo's back]'' Now just a hair lower. There, right there. That's it. Ahh... This is beautiful. That's good. Kid, we've got to get to tree, this calls for some ''big'' scratch.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs]'' You're lots of fun, Baloo!
:''[Baloo is now scratching against a tree]''
:'''Baloo:''' Right on it. Yeah. That's delicious. Ahh... ooh! Just a little bit-- Mm... yeah... ha-ha! Ooh! ''[pulls tree from the ground finally, and scratches by it trunk with his back to the his chest]'' Mm... mmm... ha-ha... ooh. Yeah. ''[Baloo, satisfied, lets himself fall into a river]'' Oh, man, this is really livin'. ''[floats in a river]'' So just try and relax. Yeah. ''[Mowgli gets on his tummy]'' Cool it. Fall apart in my backyard. ''[Mowgli float down a river]'' Cause' lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee-acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found. ''[singing]'' ''♪ When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinking about it. And I'll tell you something true. The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed, and turns walks away]'' Ahh... I give up. Well, I hope his luck holds out.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, how 'bout you singing?
:'''Baloo and Mowgli:''' ''[both singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[the monkeys sees Mowgli and Baloo are singing in the float a river]''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities, that's why a bear can rest at ease. With just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah!
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ With just the Bare Necessities of Life. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[At the end of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughing]'' '''''Beautiful!''''' That's ''real'' jungle harmony.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[smiles]'' I like being a bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[smiles]'' That's my boy. And you're gonna make one swell bear. Why, you even sing like one!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the monkeys have kidnapped Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' Bagheera! ''[Cut to Bagheera]'' ''[off in the distance]'' '''''BAGHEERAAA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[Turns around as he hears Baloo yelling his name a mile away]'' Well, it's happened. Took a little longer than I thought, but it's happened. ''[Starts running back toward Baloo, who's struggling to climb up the cliff. Bagheera reaches the cliff]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[on the edge, screaming loudly]'' '''''BAAA-GEE-RAH!!!!!!!''''' ''[Baloo has screamed so loudly in Bagheera's face that the sound leaves him shaken. Baloo then realizes that Bagheera is in front of him]'' Oh, you heard me, huh?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli? '''''Mowgli?''''' All right, what happened? Where's Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' They ambushed me; '''''thousands''''' of 'em! I jabbed with my left, then I swung with the right, and then I let--!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, for the last time, what happened to Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' Like I told ya; them mangy monkeys carried him off!
:'''Bagheera:''' The Ancient Ruins? Oh, I hate to think about what will happen when he meets that King of theirs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Louie:''' Ha-ha! So, you're the Man-Cub? ''[rolls his eyes]'' Crazy.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not as crazy as you are. ''[to the monkeys]'' Put me down!
:''[A monkey lets go of Mowgli's ankles, and Mowgli lands flat on his face.]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily shaking a fist at the monkey]'' You cut that out!
:'''King Louie:''' ''[picks up Mowgli by his loincloth]'' Cool it, boy, and unwind yourself. ''[scat-sings to himself; Mowgli furiously punches the air]'' Now, c'mon, let's shake, Cousin. ''[grabs Mowgli's hand and shakes it]''
:'''Mowgli:''' What do ya want '''''me''''' for?!
:'''King Louie:''' Word has grabbed my royal ear... ''[opens Mowgli's mouth]'' Have a banana. ''[shoots the banana into Mowgli's mouth]'' ....that you wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full; impressed]'' Stay in the jungle? I sure do.
:'''King Louie:''' Good. And ol' King Louie... ''[scats, then indicates himself with all of his pointy fingers]'' That's me. ...can fix it for you. ''[holds up 3 of his fingers]'' Have ''2'' bananas. ''[shoots the banana pair into Mowgli's mouth]'' Have we got a deal?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full of bananas]'' Yes, sir. I'll do a-- ''[swallows]'' I'll do anything to stay in the jungle.
:'''King Louie:''' Well, then, I'll lay it on the line for you. ''[Begins singing &quot;I Wan'na Be Like You&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Gee, cousin Louie, you're doing real good.
:'''King Louie:''' Now, here's your part of the deal, cuz. Lay the secret on me of man's red fire.
:'''Mowgli:''' But I don't know how to make a fire.
:'''King Louie:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Now don't try to kid me, Man-Cub. I made a deal with you; what I desire is man's red fire to make my dream come true. Now give me the secret, Man-Cub. Come on, clue me what to do. Give me the power of man's red flower, so I can be like you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[eavesdropping]'' '''''Fire?!?!?''''' So, '''''that's''''' what that scoundrel's after.
:'''Baloo:''' I'll tear him limb from limb! I'll beat him up! I'll-- I'll-- ''[starts dancing to the music]'' Yeah. Well, man, what a beat.
:'''Bagheera:''' Will you stop that silly beat business and listen? This will take brains, not brawn.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it, and I'm loaded with both!
:'''Bagheera:''' Would you listen?
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. ''[begins sneaking off into the music]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, while you create a disturbance, I'll rescue Mowgli. Got that?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[dancing away]'' I'm gone, man. Solid gone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[alarmed]'' '''''NOT YET, BALOO!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bagheera:''' And furthermore, Baloo, Mowgli seems to have man's ability to get into trouble, and your influence hasn't been exactly--
:'''Baloo:''' Shh! Keep it down. You're gonna wake Little Buddy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Awww.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, he's had a big day. It was a real sockaroo. You know, it ain't easy learnin' to be like me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Puh! A disgraceful performance; Associating with those undesirable, scatterbrained apes. Huh. I hope Mowgli learned something from that experience.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sighs, talks in his sleep]'' Scooby-dooby-dooby-doo.
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha. That's my boy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, nonsense. ''[Baloo puts leaves under Mowgli's head.]'' Baloo, come over here. I'd like to have a word with you.
:'''Baloo:''' A word? You gonna talk some more? ''[yawns]'' All right, what's up, Bagheera?
:'''Bagheera:''' Baloo, the Man-Cub must go back to the Man Village. ''[Baloo eats some grapes from a tree]'' The jungle is not the place for him.
:'''Baloo:''' I grew up in the jungle. ''[eats another piece of grapes]'' Take a look at me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, just look at yourself. Look at that eye. ''[Baloo looks himself in the river and sees that he has a black eye.]''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah. It's beautiful, ain't it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Frankly, you're a disreputable sight.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you don't look exactly like a basket of fruit, yourself.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[looks himself in the river and sees that he also has a black eye.]'' D'oh! ''[clears his throat]'' Baloo, you can't adopt Mowgli as your son.
:'''Baloo:''' Why not?
:'''Bagheera:''' How... How can I put it? ''[Baloo eats a handful of meat]'' Baloo, birds of a feather should flock together. ''[Baloo shrugs]'' You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Baloo:''' I don't know. ''[chuckling]'' Come to think of it, no panther ever asked me. ''[elbows Bagheera and chuckles]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' Baloo, y-y-you've got to be serious about this.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[seriously]'' Oh, stop worryin', Baggy. Stop worryin', I'll take care of him.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, like you did when the monkeys kidnapped him, huh?
:'''Baloo:''' Can't a guy make one mistake?
:'''Bagheera:''' Not in the jungle. And another thing. Sooner or later, Mowgli will meet Shere Khan.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[suddenly very shocked]'' The tiger? What's '''''he''''' got against the kid?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man with a vengeance, you know that! Because he fears Man's gun and Man's fire.
:'''Baloo:''' But little Mowgli don't have those things.
:'''Bagheera:''' Shere Khan won't wait until he does. He'll get Mowgli while he's young and helpless. ''[raises a paw at Baloo]'' Just one swipe, and--!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Oh! Well-- Well, what are we gonna do?
:'''Bagheera''' ''[seeing that Baloo is now just as worried about Mowgli as he is]'' We'll do what's best for the boy.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it. You name it, and I'll do it.
:'''Bagheera:''' Good. Then make Mowgli go to the Man Village.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Are you out of your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
:'''Bagheera:''' Well, that's just the point! As long as he remains with you, he's in danger. So, it's up to you.
:'''Baloo:''' Why me?!
:'''Bagheera:''' B-B-B-Because he won't listen to me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[humbled]'' But I love that kid. ''[sniffles]'' I love him like he was my own cub.
:'''Bagheera''' Then think of what's best for Mowgli, and not yourself.
:'''Baloo:''' But-- Well, can't-- Well, can't I wait until morning?
:'''Bagheera:''' It's morning now. Go on, Baloo.
:''[An emotional Baloo sighs and walks towards Mowgli before looking back at Bagheera with a choked-up facial expression. Bagheera understands that it's really hard for him, but he urges him with a nod.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; he isn't sure how to tell Mowgli the difficult truth]'' Oh, boy. Mowgli? Mowgli. Um, it's time to get up.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[wakes up with a yawn]'' Oh, hi, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Hi. Hey, rub that old sleep outta your eyes. You and me, we got a long walk ahead of us.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[not really noticing that Baloo is now looking melancholy]'' Swell! Gee, we'll have lots of fun together!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sadly]'' Sure, yeah. Yeah. All right, let's hit the trail, kid. See ya 'round, Bagheera.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, good-bye, Bagheera. Me and Baloo, we've got things to do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Goodbye, Man-Cub. And good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Come on, Baloo. ''[imitating Baloo's sentence about &quot;Bare Necessities&quot;]'' All we've gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, some good ol' Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's way a bear can rest at ease, with just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪'' ''[throw the banana to Baloo]'' Yeah! ''[singing]'' ''♪ I'll live here in the Jungle all my life! ♪'' Yeah, man! I like being a bear. ''[Baloo looks worried holds the banana]'' Where are we going, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[throw the banana off the ground]'' Well, ah... it's a... um, well it's sort of new and, uh--
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[holding a Baloo's paw]'' Oh, I don't care, as long as I'm with you.
:''[the &quot;My Own Home&quot; theme plays in background again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, look, buddy, uh, there's something I've got to tell you.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chasing a butterfly]'' Tell me what, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; rubbing his neck, and scratches his chest]'' Oh, gee whiz. Now, how did ol' Baggy put it? ''[happily realizes what will Bagheera saids]'' Uh, uh, Mowgli... Ha! You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chuckles]'' Gee, I don't even know what you're talking about. ''[catches a butterfly, misses]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, don't you realize that you're ''human?''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[started to playful fight Baloo again]'' I'm not anymore, Baloo. I'm a bear like you!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[nervously]'' Little buddy, look, listen to me.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[playful fighting Baloo's tummy]'' Come on! Come on, Baloo!
:'''Baloo:''' Now Mowgli, stop it now, now hold still. ''[grabs Mowgli's hands]'' I wa-- I wanna tell you something, now listen to me!
:'''Mowgli:''' What's the matter, ol' papa bear?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sadly]'' Look Mowgli, I've been trying to tell you, I've been trying all morning to tell you. '''''I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOU BACK TO THE MAN VILLAGE!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[shocked, alarmed]'' '''''THE MAN VILLAGE?!?'''''
:'''Baloo:''' Now look, kid, I can explain...
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[backs up slowly]'' But-But you said we were partners.
:'''Baloo:''' Now believe me, kid, I--
:'''Mowgli:''' You're just like... like '''''old Bagheera!'''''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Now, ''just'' a minute! ''That's'' going too far! ''[Mowgli runs off in the opposite direction, and Baloo tries to calling for him]'' Hey, Mowgli, where are you going? Wait a minute! Stop! Wait! '''''Wait!''''' Listen to ol' Baloo! Mowgli? ''Mowgli?'' Mowgli! ''[Mowgli flees away, Baloo feeling hurt and betrayed by him]'' Mowgli! ''Mowgli!''  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[runs up to Baloo after hearing him calling for Mowgli]'' Now, what's happened? 
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you're, you're-- You're not gonna believe me, Bagheera, but look-- Now, I used the same words you did, and he ran out on me! 
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[stammering]'' W-Well, don't just stand there! Let's separate! W-We've got to find him! ''[runs off in the opposite direction]''
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, if anything happens to that little guy, I'll ''never'' forgive myself. I ''gotta'' find him. ''Mowgli!'' Mowgli!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shere Khan the Tiger appearing prowling in the grass. Shere Khan comes close to a Bambi's mother deer grazing, lies down ready to pounce, but Colonel Hathi and the other elephants trumpets and deer runs away.]''
:'''Elephants:''' ''[march and sing]'' ''♪ Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Keep it up, two, three-- ♪''
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[furiously]'' What a beastly luck! Confound that ridiculous ''Colonel'' Hathi!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Col. Hathi and the Jungle Patrol are marching]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Stop! Wait a minute. ''[bellows]'' '''''HA-A-A-A-A-A-A-LT!'''''
:''[The Jungle Patrol abruptly stops]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''Oh'''! '''Oh!''''' Who said, &quot;Halt!&quot;? '''''I''''' give the commands around here. Now, speak up. Who was it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it was me, Colonel.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' What do you mean, sir? Taking over my command? Highly irregular, you know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, Colonel, I'm sorry, but, but I need your help.
:''[Shere Khan is seen spying on them]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Oh, absolutely impossible! We're on a cross-country march!
:'''Bagheera:''' But it's an emergency, Colonel. The Man-Cub must be found.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[cocks his left ear while eavesdropping their private chat from afar]'' How interesting.
:'''Bagheera:''' The one who I was taking to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. That's where he belongs. Now, sir, if you don't mind, we'd like to get on with the march.
:'''Bagheera:''' No, no-no, you-you don't understand, Hathi. He is lost. He ran away.
:'''Shere Khan:''' How delightful.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Well, it serves the whippersnapper right.
:'''Bagheera:''' But, but Shere Khan, the Tiger, he's sure to pick up the Man-Cub's trail.
:''[Shere Khan nods his head, agreeing with Bagheera.]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[laughs]'' Shere Khan. Nonsense, old boy. Shere Khan isn't within miles from here. ''[Shere Khan shakes his head in disagreement, and chuckles evilly, as if saying &quot;That's what '''you''' think.&quot;]'' Oh, sorry, Bagheera. Fortunes of war, and all that sort of thing, you know.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[angrily storms towards Hathi, with Hathi Jr. following her]'' This has gone far enough. Far enough! ''[to Hathi]'' Now, just a minute, you pompous old windbag!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Winifred! What are you doing out of ranks?
:'''Winifred:''' Never mind. ''[indicating Hathi Jr.]'' How would you like to have '''''our''''' boy lost and alone in the jungle?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Our son? Alone? But, Winifred, old girl, that's an entirely different matter!
:'''Winifred:''' Huh!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Different, entirely.
:'''Winifred:''' That little boy is no different than our own son. Now, '''''you''''' help find him, or '''''I'm''''' taking over command!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''WHAT?! A female leading my herd?!''''' Utterly preposterous!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Pop, the Man-Cub and I are friends. He'll get hurt if we don't find him. Please, Pop, sir? Please?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[smiles]'' Now, don't you worry, Son. Your father had a plan in mind all the time.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[scoffs; sarcastically]'' '''''Sure''''' you did.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[gets shocked at Winifred's sarcasm, but regains composure, and clears throat]'' Troopers! Company, left face! ''[the elephants turn around in a military fashion]'' Volunteers for a special mission will step one pace forward. ''[the elephants step back; Elephant #3 is still chewing, but stops and backs up; Hathi sees the elephants and chuckles]'' That's what I like to see; Devotion to duty. Now, you volunteers will find the lost Man-Cub.
:'''Bagheera''': Oh, thank you, Colonel. Now, there's no time to lose.
:'''Col. Hathi''': Yes, yes. ''[to Bulger]'' Uh, Bugler, when the Man-Cub is sighted, you will sound your trumpet three times.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': Yes, sir. ''[trumpets loudly, but Hathi abruptly stops him.]''
:'''Col. Hathi''': Shh! Not now, soldier.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': ''[nasally]'' Sorry, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[to Lieutenant]'' Lieutenant, our strategy shall be the element of surprise. ''[whispers]'' You will take one squad, and cover the right flank.
:'''Lieutenant:''' ''[whispers]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[whispers]'' And I shall take the other squad on the '''''left''''' flank. Very well. ''[bellows]'' '''''COMPANY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...''''' ''[bellow echoes]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Shere Khan''': Element of surprise? Ho. I say. ''[chortles]'' And now, for '''''my''''' rendezvous with the little lost Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli walking aimlessly alone in the Jungle. Kaa picks Mowgli with his tail from the ground and raises to the branch he is on]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[surprised]'' Kaa, it's you!
:'''Kaa:''' Yesss, Man-Cub, so nice to see you again. Sss-sss-sss!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away again.]'' Oh, go away. Leave me alone.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[trying to get Mowgli to his hypnosis look into his eyes]'' Let me look at you. ''[Mowgli turns away from Kaa's eyes]'' You don't ''want'' me to look at you? Then you look at me. ''[hypnotize Mowgli with his eyes, and looks away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' No, sir! ''[Kaa wrap his tail to him]'' I know what you're trying to do-- Kaa!
:'''Kaa:''' You do? Uh, I mean... you don't trust me.
:'''Mowgli:''' No!
:'''Kaa:''' Then there's nothing I can do to help.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[untied Kaa's tail with his leg]'' You want to help me?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[he sneaks Mowgli behind, and now waving agreement]'' Ss-certainly. I can see to it that you never to leave this jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' How could you do that?
:'''Kaa:''' Hmm? Oh, I have my own ss-subtle little ways. ''[chuckles]'' But first, you must trust me.
:''[Kaa stares at Mowgli with his eyes, and staring away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I don't trust anyone anymore.
:''[Kaa now struggles with his coils to push Mowgli off his head]''
:'''Kaa:''' I don't blame you. I'm not like those so-called fair-weather friends of yours. You can believe in me. ''[Kaa finally gets to see into Mowgli's eyes long enough; singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes. And trust in me. ♪'' ''[hold Mowgli's forehead with his tail]'' Hold still, please. ''[singing]'' ''♪ You can sleep. Safe and sound. Knowing I...am around. Slip into silent slumber. Sail on a silver mist. Slowly and surely your senses. Will cease to resist. ♪'' ''[Mowgli snores while standing on his head on the tip of Kaa's tail]'' You're snoring.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[half-asleep]'' Sorry.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me, and just in me. [Shere Khan appears below and listens] Shut your eyes, and just in me. ♪''  
:''[Kaa has Mowgli wrapped in his coils as Shere Khan pulls Kaa’s tail like ringing a doorbell]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh! Oh, now what? I'll be right down. ''[gets down from the tree almost completely]'' Yes? Yes? Who is it?
:'''Shere Khan:''' It's me, Shere Khan. Uh, I'd like a word with you, if you don't mind.
:'''Kaa:''' Shere Khan. What a surprise.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Yes, isn't it? I just dropped by. Uh, forgive me if I've interrupted anything.
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, no, no. Nothing at all.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[his claws pop out from his paw, and he drums on the ground with them]'' I thought perhaps that you were entertaining someone up there in your coils.
:'''Kaa:''' Coils? Someone? Oh, no. I was just curling up for my siesta.
:'''Shere Khan:''' But you were singing to someone. ''[grabs hold of Kaa's throat]'' Who is it, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[choking like mad]'' Uh, who? ''[coughs]'' Oh, no. No. I was just...singing to myself.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Indeed.
:'''Kaa:''' Yes. You see, I have... ''[gulps]'' ...trouble with my sssinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' What a pity. ''[releases Kaa's neck and gently pins him to the ground]''
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, you have no idea. It's simply terrible. I can't eat. I can't sssleep. So, I sssing myself to sleep. You know, self-hypnosis? ''[smiles deviously, brings his head close to Shere Khan's face]'' Let me show you how it works. ''[He uses his hypnosis technique with his eyes]'' ''♪ Tru-u-u-ust in me-- ♪''
:''[Shere Khan pushes Kaa away and pins his head to the ground, unaffected]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' Oh, no, I can't be bothered with that. I have no time for that sort of nonsense.
:'''Kaa:''' SS-S-Some other time? Perhaps?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Perhaps. But at the moment, I'm searching for a Man-Cub.
:'''Kaa:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' The one who's lost. Now, where do you suppose he could be?
:'''Kaa:''' Search me. ''[He closes his mouth for telling Shere Khan to search Mowgli on his tentacles]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' That's an excellent idea. ''[chuckles]'' I'm sure that you wouldn't mind showing me your coils, would you, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' Certainly not. ''[lowers his tail]'' Nothing here...and nothing in here. ''[his tail pointing to his mouth open, and Shere Khan hears Mowgli snoring. Alarmed, he starts snorting and coughs.]'' My sinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Indeed. And now, how about the middle?
:'''Kaa:''' The middle? Oh, the middle. ''[lowering the middle leaving Mowgli on the tree trunk spinning around and showing Shere Khan the middle of his coils and then getting tickled]'' Absolutely nothing in the middle.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Really? Well, if you do just happen to see the Man-Cub, you will inform me first. Understand? ''[scratching Kaa's neck gently]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[gulps]'' I get the point. ''[spinning himself into a bow with his head on top]'' Cross my heart, hope to die.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Good show. And now, I must continue my search for the helpless little lad. ''[leaves]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh, who does he think he's fooling? &quot;The helpless little lad.&quot; Ooooh, he gives me the ''sh-sh-sh-shivers.'' ''[Kaa's shivering unintentionally wakes up Mowgli]'' Picking on that poor, little, helpless boy. ''[sighs, but smiles]'' Oh, yes. Poor, little, helpless boy. ''[Mowgli pushes the rest of Kaa off the branches and sends him falling comically to the ground yet again, in the same exact manner]'' Ooh!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[climbs down the tree]'' You told me a lie, Kaa! You said that I could trust you!
:'''Kaa:''' It's like you said; you can't trust anyone! ''[tries to strike Mowgli, only to again be caught in by a knot in his tail; when he pulls it out, his body comes back like an accordion]'' If I never see that s-ss-skinny little shrimp again, it will be too s-s-s-soon.  Ooh, my s-s-s-sacroiliac.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The vultures sitting on a dead tree.]''
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[yawns]'' Hey, Flaps. What we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! Let's flap over to the east side of the jungle. They've always got a bit of action, a bit of a swingin' scene, all right!
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, come off it. Things are right dead all over.
:'''Ziggy:''' You mean that you wish they were! ''[They all laugh, except for Dizzy]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Very funny.
:'''Buzzy:''' OK. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don’t know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' Look, Flaps. First I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;I don't know. What'cha wanna do?&quot; Then I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;What'cha wanna do?&quot; &quot;What we gonna do? What you want...&quot; Let's do ''something!''
:'''Flaps:''' Okay. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[annoyed]'' Oh, blimey. There you go again, the same notes again!
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! This time, I've ''really'' got it!
:'''Buzzy:''' So, you got it. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[spots Mowgli approaching]'' Hold it, lads. Look. Look what's coming our way.
:'''Flaps:''' Hey, what in the world is that?
:'''Ziggy:''' What a crazy-looking bunch of bones.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, and they're all walking about by themselves. ''[they all laugh]''
:''[They look at Mowgli who sits down on a stone]''
:'''Buzzy:''' So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now, don't start ''that'' again!
:'''Ziggy:''' ''[Pushing the others off the tree]'' C'mon, lads. C'mon. Let's have some fun with this little fella. This Little Bloke, eh?
:''[They all fly down to Mowgli]''
:'''Flaps:''' ''[feeling Mowgli's legs]'' Blimey! He's got legs like a stork, he has.
:'''Buzzy:''' Like a stork, heh-heh, but he ain't got no feathers, he ain't.
:''[Vultures laugh, Mowgli feeling hurt when he tears]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Go ahead. Laugh. I don't care.
:''[He walks away]''
:'''Dizzy:''' What's wrong with him?
:'''Flaps:''' I think we overdid it.
:'''Dizzy:''' We were just having a bit of fun, that's all.
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, just look at him. What a poor little fella. You know, he must be down on his luck.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, or he wouldn't be in our neighbourhood.
:''[Buzzy tries to catch up Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Hey, new kid! Wait a minute! Hey!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sadly]'' Just leave me alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Oh, come on, what's wrong? ''You'' know, you look like you haven't got a friend in the world.
:'''Mowgli:''' I haven't.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[indicating Mowgli's parents]'' Haven't you got a mother or a father?
:'''Mowgli:''' No. Nobody wants me around.
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, we know how you feel.
:'''Dizzy:''' Nobody wants us around, either.
:'''Buzzy:''' We may look a bit shabby, but we've got hearts.
:'''Dizzy:''' And feelings, too.
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[smiles]'' And just to prove it to you, we're gonna let you join our little group.
:'''Flaps:''' ''[honored]'' Kid, we'd like to make you an honorary vulture.
:'''Mowgli:''' Thanks, but I-- I'd rather be on my own alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Uh, now look, kid, ''everybody's'' got to have ''friends.'' ''[to vultures]'' Hey, fellas, are we his friends? ''[Begins sings &quot;That's what friends are for&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[applauds]'' Bravo. Bravo. An extraordinary performance. ''[evilly]'' And thank you for detaining my victim.
:'''Flaps:''' Uh, d-don't mention it... ''[gulps]'' ...Your Highness.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[chuckles]'' Boo!
:''[the Vultures get scared of Shere Khan]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Let's get out of here!
:'''Buzzy:''' Give me room! Gangway! ''[to Mowgli]'' Run, friend! Run!
:'''Mowgli:''' Run? Why should ''I'' run?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Why should you run? Could it be possible that you don't know who I am?
:'''Mowgli:''' I know you, all right. You're Shere Khan.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Precisely. ''[pops his claws out of his right paw]'' Then you should also know that ''everyone'' runs from Shere Khan. ''[pokes Mowgli's chin with his right paw]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Ah, you have spirit for one so small. And such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance. Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and count to 10. It makes the chase more interesting...for me. 1... ''[Mowgli looks for something to defend himself with as Shere Khan continues counting]''...2... ''[Mowgli spots something and goes over to retrieve it.]'' ...3... ''[As Mowgli picks up a stick, Shere Khan begins to suspect something.]'' ...4... ''[Mowgli prepares to defend himself]'' You're trying my patience. ''[counts faster just as Baloo arrives]'' 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
:''[Shere Khan leaps at Mowgli with a loud roar, Mowgli loses all of his nerve at the sight of this fearsome creature; Shere Khan almost catches Mowgli until Baloo grabs him by the tail]''
:'''Baloo:''' Run, Mowgli, run!
:'''Shere Khan''': Let go, you big oaf!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scared]'' Ooh! Take it easy! Take it-- Ooh! H-Hold it! Hold it! Whoa! Slow down! ''[Shere Khan tries to bite him]'' Whoa! Yeow! Whoa! Slow! Easy, now! Ooh! Whoa, whoa, easy!
:'''Buzzy:''' He's got a tiger by the tail, he has.
:'''Dizzy:''' And he'd better hang on, too.
:''[Baloo hides beside a tree, but Shere Khan bites him in the butt]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[screams in agony]'' '''''YEOW!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hits Shere Khan with a thick twig in retaliation]'' Take that, you big bully! 
:'''Flaps:''' Let 'im have it again, kid! Hit 'im again, kid! Go on!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[starts to flee as Shere Khan chases him, but Baloo grabs Shere Khan's tail]'' Baloo, help me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[he hangs over a tree branch, shocked, and turns around to Shere Khan chases Mowgli]'' '''''OOHH!''''' ''[stammers]'' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! ''[as he runs, Shere Khan roars, and Baloo gets a bumpy slide on the ground]'' Somebody do something with that kid.
:'''Ziggy:''' Come on, lads!
:''[Flaps and Ziggy have just saved Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' He's safe now! ''[laughs]'' You can let go, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Are you kiddin'? There's teeth on the other end.
:''[Baloo hanging over a branch, Shere Khan gets Baloo on the ground before him, and Shere Khan throws Baloo on the ground]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' I’ll kill you for this.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[Flaps and Buzzy are holding him]'' Let go! Baloo needs help!
:''[Suddenly, a thunderclap is heard and lightning strikes a tree, splitting it in half and catches fire]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Fire! That's the only thing that Ol' Stripes is afraid of.
:'''Flaps:''' You get the fire, we'll do the rest.
:''[Mowgli picks up a fire branch, Shere Khan knocks Baloo out]''
:'''Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy:''' '''''CHARGE!!'''''
:''[Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy hover Shere Khan and laugh]''
:'''Flaps:''' Punch and blow!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Stay out of this, you mangy fools!
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, yeah! ''[ducks during Shere Khan's attack]'' Missed me a mile, he did! ''[vultures laughs, Mowgli try to get the fire branch, Flaps pulls a Shere Khan's whiskers]'' Yeah, pull his blinkin' whiskers!
:'''Flaps:''' He's a bloomin' pussycat is! 
:''[Mowgli takes a burning branch and ties it to Shere Khan's tail]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Look behind you, chum.
:''[Shere Khan gasps, he panic runs away, getting burnt by the fire on every step, and flees away]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, that was the last of him.
:''[they vultures laughs]''
:'''Ziggy:''' Old stripes took off like a flaming comet, idiot.
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, come on, let's go congratulate our friend.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[approaching]'' Hold it, fellas. Now's not the time for it. Look.
:''[Mowgli comes to Baloo, who is lying without signs of life has [[w:Death|died]] at the paws of Shere Khan]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Baloo? Baloo, get up. Oh please, get up. Oh.  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[appears, sadly]'' Mowgli, try to understand.
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, what's the matter with him?
:'''Bagheera:''' You've got to be brave, like Baloo was.
:'''Mowgli:''' Y-You don't mean--? Oh, no. Baloo.
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, now. I know how you feel. But you must remember, Mowgli: ''[quotes John 15:13 from the Holy Bible]'' &quot;Greater love hath no one than he who lays down his life for his friend.&quot; ''[As the panther speaks, Baloo opens his eyes, alive and well.]'' When great deeds are remembered in this jungle, one name will stand above all others; our friend Baloo the Bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sniffling]'' He's crackin’ me up.
:'''Bagheera:''' The memory of Baloo's sacrifice and bravery will forever be engraved on our saddened hearts.
:'''Baloo:''' Beautiful.
:'''Bagheera:''' This spot where Baloo fell will always be a hallowed place in the jungle, for there lies one of nature's noblest creatures.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sniffling]'' I wish that my mother could've heard this.
:'''Bagheera:''' It's best we leave now. Come along, Man-Cub.
:'''Baloo:''' Hey, don't stop now, Baggy, you're doin' great! There's more! Lots more!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sees Baloo still alive and is furious]'' '''''WHY, YOU.... BIG.... FRAUD!!!!''''' You.... You-You-You four-flusher! I-I am fed up!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hugs Baloo]'' Baloo! You're all right!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughs]'' Who, me? Sure, I am! Never felt... better.
:''[Vultures laugh happily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs in relief]'' You sure had us worried.
:'''Baloo:''' Aw, I was just takin' 5. Y'know, like, playin' it cool. Heh! Yeah, but he was too easy.
:'''Mowgli:''' Good ol' Papa Bear!
:'''Dizzy:''' It's going to be a bit dull without that Little Bloke, isn't it?
:'''Buzzie:''' Yeah. So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now don't start ''that'' again!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dissolve to Baloo, Mowgli and Bagheera walking]''
:'''Baloo:''' Hey Baggy, too bad you missed the action. You should have seen how I made a sucker out ol' stripes with that left up in his face. ''[fists Bagheera's face]'' Boom, boom, I was giving him '''''wham'''''! ''[to Mowgli]'' You know some, we're good sparring partners.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[imitating Baloo's sentence]'' You better believe it!
:'''Baloo:''' Yes, sir! Nothing that nobody is ever gonna come between us again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli sees the girl from the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Look. What's that?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it's the Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' No, no. I mean '''''that'''''.
:'''Baloo:''' Forget about those. They ain't nothin’ but trouble.
:'''Mowgli:''' Just a minute. I've never seen one before.
:'''Baloo:''' So you've seen one. So let's go.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'll be right back. I want a better look.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, wait a minute!
:'''Bagheera:''' Ah, Baloo. Let him have a better look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shanti drops her pot of water purposefully, pretending to do it by accident, and it rolls towards Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' She did that on purpose!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiling]'' Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Mowgli. Come back. Come back!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[encouragingly]'' Go on. Go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines; After Mowgli, falling in love with Shanti, enters the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[stunned]'' He's hooked.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiles]'' Ah, it was inevitable, Baloo. The boy couldn't help himself. It was bound to happen. Mowgli is where he belongs now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[resigned]'' Yeah. I guess you're right. ''[smiles]'' But I still think that he'd have made one swell bear. ''[inhales]'' Well, c'mon, Baggy, buddy. Let's get back to where ''we'' belong, and get with the beat. ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''

== Cast==
* [[w:Bruce Reitherman|Bruce Reitherman]] as Mowgli
* [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] as Baloo
* [[w:Sebastian Cabot (actor)|Sebastian Cabot]] as Bagheera
* [[w:Louis Prima|Louis Prima]] as King Louie
* [[w:George Sanders|George Sanders]] as Shere Khan
* [[w:Sterling Holloway|Sterling Holloway]] as Kaa
* [[w:J. Pat O'Malley|J. Pat O'Malley]] as Colonel Hathi/Buzzie
* [[w:Verna Felton|Verna Felton]] as Winifred
* [[w:Clint Howard|Clint Howard]] as Junior
* [[w:Chad Stuart|Chad Stuart]] as Flaps
* [[w:Lord Tim Hudson|Lord Tim Hudson]] as Dizzie
* [[w:John Abbott (actor, born 1905)|John Abbott]] as Akela
* [[w:Ben Wright (actor)|Ben Wright]] as Rama the Father Wolf
* [[w:Darleen Carr|Darleen Carr]] as The Girl (named Shanti in ''The Jungle Book 2'')
* [[w:Leo De Lyon|Leo De Lyon]] as Flunkey*
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] as The Slob Elephant*
* [[w:Digby Wolfe|Digby Wolfe]] as Ziggy*
* [[w:Skiles and Henderson|Bill Skiles and Pete Henderson]] as Monkeys*
* [[w:Thurl Ravenscroft|Thurl Ravenscroft]] as Colonel Hathi's crew
* [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] as Shere Khan (roaring)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Jungle Book (1967 film)}}
*{{Commonscat-inline}}
* [http://disney.go.com/disneyvideos/animatedfilms/junglebook/ Official website]
* {{imdb title|id=0061852}}
* [http://www.toonopedia.com/junglebk.htm Don Markstein's Toonopedia: The Jungle Book]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jungle Book, The}}
[[Category:1960s American animated films]]
[[Category:1967 films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Wolfgang Reitherman films]]
[[Category:The Jungle Book films|Jungle Book 1]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]''''', is an animated 1967 film based on [[Rudyard Kipling]]'s ''Mowgli'' stories, was released in October [[w:1967 in film|1967]] by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]]. This best-known adaptation was producer [[Walt Disney]]'s last animated project. Disney released a sequel in 2003, ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]''.

{{center|'''The jungle is JUMPIN'!'''}}

== Baloo ==
* ''[after he, Bagheera, and Mowgli escape from King Louie and company]'' Whew! ''[laughs]'' Man, that's what I call a swingin' party!
* ''[after Bagheera tells Baloo that he is taking Mowgli back to the Man Village]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
* ''[after Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt and tickles him with his feet]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'.
* ''[as he and Mowgli float down a river]'' Lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found.
* ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! 
*''[furiously]'' Are you outta your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
* He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
* ''[repeated line]'' You better believe it!

== Bagheera ==
* &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
* Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftless, stupid jungle bum! 
* Now, come on! Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.

== Mowgli ==
*  ''['''Bagheera:''' So, you can look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you want to stay in the jungle, do you?]'' Yes, I want to stay in the jungle. ''['''Bagheera:''' D'oh. N-N-Now, for the last time, go to sleep!]''
* ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' I say. [pokes Mowgli's nose] What happened to your trunk?]'' ''[pushes stick away]'' Hey! Stop that! ''['''Colonel Hathi:''' [gasps and sputters in shock] A Man-Cub! Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I'll have no Man-Cub my jungle!]'' ''[to Colonel Hathi]'' It's not ''your'' jungle!
* ''[to King Louie]'' But I dunno how to make fire.
* You told me a lie, Kaa. You said I could trust you.
* ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
* ''[to Kaa]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone!

==Kaa==
* It's like you s-said, you can't trus-s-s-t anyone!

== Other ==
* '''Kaa''': ''[after Mowgli learns he has been deceived by the snake]'' If I never see that skinny little shrimp again, it will be too soon. ''[slithering away]'' Oh, my s-ss-s-[[w:sacroiliac joint|sacroiliac]].
* '''Shere Khan''': ''[while Baloo holds his tail]'' Let go, you big oaf!
* '''Mowgli''': ''[angrily hitting Shere Khan's face with a stick]'' Take that, ya big bully!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[first lines; as a narrator]'' Many strange legends are told of these jungles of India, but none so strange as the story of a small boy named Mowgli. It all began when the silence of the jungle was broken by an unfamiliar sound. ''[At the sound of a baby's cries, Bagheera stops at Baby Mowgli's boat]'' It was a sound that had never been heard before in this part of the jungle. ''[Bagheera looks at the boat with Baby Mowgli]'' It was a Man-Cub! If I had known how deeply I was to be involved, I would have obeyed my first impulse and walked away. ''[Bagheera turns back on the branch, but Baby Mowgli cries again, making him return. He looks down and Baby Mowgli looks at him playfully]'' This Man-Cub would have to have nourishment, and soon. It was many days' travel to the nearest Man Village, and without a mother's care, he would soon perish. Then, it occurred to me. A family of wolves I knew had been blessed with a litter of cubs. ''[the wolf pups play around their mother Raksha, Bagheera is looking at them from the bushes, Bagheera with Baby Mowgli watches from the bushes as the family of wolves walk into their lair and puts the baby boy right before the entrance. He goes back into the bushes and waits, but nothing happens, so he carefully sneaks back over and pushes the basket with his paw. The baby cries out in surprise and Bagheera, alarmed by this, runs away. The wolves come out and look at Baby Mowgli, and Raksha smiles down at him, who now giggles]'' I knew there'd be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct, but I wasn't so sure about Rama the father. ''[Rama comes from the jungle, sniffs suspiciously at the baby Man-Cub, sees the smiling face of Raksha, looks at Baby Mowgli playing with the wolf pups again, and smiles, too, and &quot;My Own Home&quot; starts in the background as the wolves take Baby Mowgli into the wolf lair. 10 years later...]'' 10 times the rains had come and gone, and I often stopped by to see how Mowgli the Man-Cub was getting along. He was a favorite with all the young wolf cubs of the pack. ''[Mowgli howls; Raksha and the four young wolves came out of the cave; Grey Brother and Leah playfully tackle and lick Mowgli]'' No Man-Cub was ever happier. And yet...I knew that someday, he would have to go back to his own kind. ''[scene switches to Council Rock on a misty, moonlit night, with howling]'' Then, one night, the Wolf Pack elders met at Council Rock, because Shere Khan, the tiger, had returned to their part of the jungle. This meeting had to change the Man-Cub's entire future.
:'''Akela:''' Shere Khan will surely kill the boy, and all who try to protect him. Now, are we all in agreement as to what must be done? ''[wolves solemnly nod]'' Now, it is my unpleasant duty to tell the boy's father. Rama. Uh, come over here, please.
:'''Rama:''' Yes, Akela?
:'''Akela:''' The Council has reached its decision. The Man-Cub can no longer stay with the pack. He must leave at once.
:'''Rama:''' ''[shocked]'' ''Leave?''
:'''Akela:''' I'm sorry, Rama. There is no other way.
:'''Rama:''' But-- But the Man-Cub is-- Well, he's like my own son! Surely, he's entitled to the protection of the pack.
:'''Akela:''' But, Rama, even the strength of the pack is no match for the tiger.
:'''Rama:''' But the boy cannot survive alone in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' Akela, perhaps I can be of help.
:'''Akela:''' You, Bagheera? How?
:'''Bagheera:''' I know of a Man Village where he'll be safe. Mowgli and I have taken many walks into this jungle together, I'm sure he'll go with me.
:'''Akela:''' So be it. Now, there's no time to lose. Good luck.
:''[scene switches to Bagheera and Mowgli at night]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera... ''[tiredly stretches]'' ...I’m gettin' a little sleepy. Shouldn't we start back home?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli, this time, we're not going back. I'm taking you to a Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' But why?
:'''Bagheera:''' Because Shere Khan has returned to this part of the jungle, and he has sworn to kill you.
:'''Mowgli:''' Kill me? But why would he wanna do that?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man, and Shere Khan is not going to allow you to grow up to become a man; just another hunter with a gun.
:'''Mowgli:''' Aw, we'll just explain to him that I'd never do a thing like that.
:'''Bagheera:''' Nonsense. No one explains anything to Shere Khan.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, maybe so, but I'm not afraid. And besides, I--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[interrupts Mowgli]'' Now, that's enough. We'll spend the night here. Things will look better in the morning. Man-Cub? Man-Cub! Now, come on. Up this tree. You'll be safer up there.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I don't want to go back to the man-village.
:'''Bagheera:''' Go on. Up you go.
:'''Mowgli:''' That limb way up there?
:'''Bagheera:''' That's right. ''[Mowgli tries to climb the tree-trunk but can't]'' ''[chuckles]'' Is that all the better you can climb?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grunting]'' It's too big around! And besides, I don't have any claws!
:''[Bagheera helps and with some grunting, Mowgli scratches upside down a Bagheera's back, yelps, then climbs back on the Bagheera's back gets Mowgli on that limb. Bagheera helps Mowgli goes in the night on a tree branch.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, get some sleep. We've got a long journey ahead us tomorrow.
:'''Mowgli:''' Uh, I wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' Huh? Heh, you wouldn't last one day. ''[he yawns and lies down to sleep]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not afraid. I-I can look after myself.
:''[Kaa the python then appears from the leaves, he smacks his lips when noticing Mowgli, looks towards Bagheera to see him sleeping. He then approaches Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Say, now! ''[Mowgli looks up unimpressed, scowls at Kaa, and then sticks his tongue out at him.]'' What have we here? ''[chuckles]'' It's a Man-Cub, a deeliss-ss-see-aws-ss-s Man-Cub.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away.]'' Oh, go away and leave me alone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' That's just what I should do, but I'm not. Now, now, now, ''please'' go to sleep, Man-cub!
:''[Kaa nods his head in agreement and begins to hypnotize Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[imitating Bagheera's sentence]'' Yes-ss-s, Man-Cub. ''[singing]'' Please go to sleep. Please go to sleep. ''[sings this as tuned from &quot;Rock-a-Bye Baby&quot;]'' Sleep, little Man-Cub, res-ss-st in peas-ss-se.
:''[Kaa begins to wrap his coils around a hypnotized Mowgli.]''
:'''Kaa:''' S-SS-Sleep. S-SS-Sleep.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[moaning]'' Ba-Ba-Ba-Bagheera?
:''[Kaa wraps his tail tightly around Mowgli's throat, choking Mowgli, himself. Bagheera is still unaware at what's happening.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sleeping]'' Oh, now, look, there's no use arguing anymore. Now, no more talk till morning.
:''[Kaa now completely has a fully hypnotized and smiling Mowgli wrapped around his coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[chuckles]'' He won't ''be'' here in the morning.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[glances at Mowgli and Kaa]'' Huh? Oh, yes, he will, I-- ''[suddenly realizes what is happening and fully wakes up; alarmed]'' '''KAA!!!! ''HOLD IT, KAA!''''' ''[just before Kaa is about to eat Mowgli, Bagheera angrily slaps Kaa's head onto another tree branch, and Kaa bangs his head on it. This makes Mowgli fully conscious and released from Kaa's coils.]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ohhh, my sinus-ss-s! ''[scowls at Bagheera and moves forward to him]'' You have just made a s-ss-serious mistake, my friend. A very, s-ss-stupid--
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[nervously stammering]'' Now, Kaa, I was--
:'''Kaa:''' --mis-ss-stake! ''[Bagheera looks Kaa in his left eye as Kaa begins to hypnotize him]'' Look me in the eye when I'm speaking to you.
:'''Bagheera:''' Please, Kaa.
:'''Kaa:''' ''Both'' eyes, if you please. ''[hypnotizes the panther, and now Bagheera is fully hypnotized and smiling]'' You have just s-ss-sealed your doom. ''[Mowgli pushes Kaa's coils off the branch with his feet, causing the snake to comically fall from the tree]'' Ooooh.
:'''Mowgli:''' Look, ''Bagheera''! ''[points at Kaa]'' Look. ''Bagheera''! Wake up, ''Bagheera''! ''[smacks both his cheeks with his bare hands]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[wakes up]'' Uh, duh, wha--?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[slithering away, angrily]'' Just you wait till I get you in my coils! ''[suddenly stops because a knot on his tail gets stuck between a couple bamboo stems]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs playfully]'' Bagheera, he's got a knot on his tail.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[mimics Mowgli, sarcastically]'' &quot;Hee-hee-hee! He's got a knot on his tail.&quot; ''[frees his tail, but that causes his whole body to come together like an accordion, then Kaa crawls away now with his bent coils]'' Ooooh, this is going to slow down my s-ss-slithering. ''[Mowgli laughs playfully]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' So, you could look out for yourself, can you? Heh. So, you wanna stay in the jungle, do ya?
:'''Mowgli:''' Yes. I wanna stay in the jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' D'oh! N-NNow, for the last time.... ''[snaps and both half-smirks (on the right) and half-smiles (on the left)]'' ....go to sleep! ''[Mowgli pouts as he tries to get some sleep]'' Man-Cub, heh! Man-Cub. Ah. ''[They finally go to sleep and settle down for the night]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During the inspection of the Jungle Patrol]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Company, left face! ''[elephants turn around in a military fashion]''
:'''Winifred:''' March, march, march. My feet are killing me.
:'''Elephant #1:''' ''[whispers]'' I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Silence in the ranks! ''[he walks around the rank]'' Dress up that line. ''[Elephants raise there rears, he hits Winifred's rear with his cane, and she raise her rear]'' Pull it in, Winifred. ''[he walks back to front]'' Inspection, arms!
:''[Elephants stick their trunks out]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' Stick your nose out.
:'''Mowgli:''' Like this?
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' That's right.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[looking closely at a recruit’s trunk]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. A dusty muzzle. ''[to elephant in question]'' Soldier, remember, in battle, that trunk can save your life. ''[taps trunk with cane]'' Take good care of it, my man.
:'''Elephant #2:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Very good. Carry on. ''[the next recruit has dirty tusks and is lazily chewing on some vegetation until the Colonel clears his throat in serious annoyance]'' Let's have a little more spit and polish on those bayonets. ''[taps tusk with cane]''
:'''Elephant #3:''' Yes, sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Esprit de corps!'' That's the way that I earned my commission in the Mahajarah's 5th Pachyderm Brigade. Back in '88, it was-- Or was it?
:'''Winifred:''' ''[whispering to another elephant]'' Here it comes. The &quot;Victoria Cross&quot; bit again.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' It was then I received the Victoria Cross, for bravery above and beyond the call of duty. ''[chuckles]'' Those were the days. Discipline! Discipline was the thing! ''[leans on his bamboo cane]'' It builds character and all that sort of thing, you know. ''[his cane snaps in half as he leans on it]'' Oh. Uh, where was I? Oh, yes. Inspection. ''[The next recruit is a rough-looking elephant with bent tusks and a black eye]'' Well, very good. ''[The next recruit is an elephant with a goofy-looking grin across his face]'' Wipe off that silly grin, soldier! This is the army. ''[The elephant's smile droops into a sad frown, making his tusks droop. The next recruit is focused on a fly buzzing around his face which lands on his trunk]'' Ahem. ''[swats the fly with his cane]'' Eyes front. ''[Next, the lieutenant, with a mop of hair]'' Tsk, tsk, tsk. Lieutenant, that haircut is not regulation. ''[messes the hair up]'' Rather on the gaudy side, don't you think? ''[Hathi swipes his cane across, giving the lieutenant a military-style flat-topped haircut]'' There. That's better. ''[Hathi looks to the left]'' And as for you-- ''[Realizes that he's talking to his son Hathi Jr. and looks down]'' Oh, there you are. ''[chuckles]'' Let's keep those heels together, shall we, son?
:'''Junior:''' OK, Pop--sir!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Yes, that's better. ''[turns to Mowgli]'' Well, a new recruit, eh? ''[chuckles and pokes Mowgli's nose with his cane]'' I say, what happened to your trunk?
:'''Mowgli:''' Hey! Stop that!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[gasps, sputters]'' A Man-Cub! ''[picking up Mowgli with his trunk]'' Oh, this is treason! Sabotage! I’ll have no Man-Cub in my jungle! ''[puts him down on ground]''
:'''Mowgli:''' It’s not ''your'' jungle!
:'''Bagheera:''' Hold it. Hold it! I can explain, Hathi.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''Colonel'' Hathi, if you please, sir.
:''' Bagheera:''' Oh, yes, yes. ''Colonel'' Hathi. The Man-Cub is with me. I'm taking him back to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' To stay?
:'''Bagheera:''' You have the word of Bagheera.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. And remember, an elephant never forgets. ''[mumbling, and Mowgli crosses his arms and frowns at him]'' Heh. I don't know what the army's coming to these days. These young whippersnappers, who do they think they are? ''[clears throat; all the elephants are dosing by now, but wake up as soon as Hathi commands]'' Let's get on with it. Right face! ''[bellows]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Winifred:''' Dear, haven't you forgotten something?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Nonsense, Winifred, old girl. An elephant never forgets.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[about a Hathi Jr.]'' Well, you just forgot our '''''son.'''''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[he somethings realize to forgot what will happen to Junior]'' Uh, uh, son-- Son? ''[stammers]'' '''''SON?!''''' ''[he turns to see Hathi Jr. playing with Mowgli]'' Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, quite right. Heh-heh! To the rear, march!
:''[Elephants turns around to lead a Colonel Hathi's way, look for Hathi Jr. still playing with Mowgli]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[to Mowgli]'' When I grow up, I'm gonna be a ''Colonel''. Just like my--
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[picking up Junior with his trunk]'' If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times--!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' ''[seeing other elephants marching into Hathi's rear]'' Pop! Look out!
:''[The spectacular crash of the elephants, reused in [[Goliath II|Goliath II]] after Jungle Book now takes place. The lazily Elephant #3 chewing on some vegetation while stucking on a Hathi's troopers.]''
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Gee, Pop. You forgot to say &quot;halt&quot;.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughing, then whispers to Bagheera on Colonel Hathi]'' He said that an elephant never forgets. ''[He laughs hysterically again and stops]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smirks]'' It's not funny. Now, let's get out of here before anything else happens.
:''[Bagheera and Mowgli leave through the forest]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, where are we going?
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going back to the Man Village right now!
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not going!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[losing his patience]'' Oh, yes, you are!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[grabbing hold of a tree]'' I'm stayin' right here!
:'''Bagheera:''' You're going if I have to drag you every step of the way!
:''[Bagheera grabs Mowgli by the loincloth with his teeth and tries to tug him away from the tree, but Mowgli refuses to let go.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[through clenched teeth]'' Let go, you!
:'''Mowgli:''' '''''You''''' let go of ''me!''
:''[Mowgli kicks Bagheera in the face. Bagheera pulls so hard that he loses his grip, and falls backward into the river. He tries to get out of the water, but accidentally hits his head on a log.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[angrily]'' Oh, that '''''does''''' it! I've '''''had''''' it, Man-cub. For now on, you're on your own. '''''Alone!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Don't worry about me.
:''[Bagheera leaves and Mowgli walks aimlessly for a while]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[still walking away]'' Ah. Foolish, Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[as Mowgli sits down near some rock with his head low until hears sounds from nearby bushes. Baloo the Bear appears comes in.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scat-singing]'' ''♪ Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee dee-doo. Well, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, yes, it's a doo-bah-dee-do, I mean a doo-be doo-bee doo-be, doo-be doo-bee doo. And with-- ♪'' ''[stops singing; he spoked to sees Mowgli]'' Well, now. ''[chuckles]'' What have we here? ''[he sniffs Mowgli's hair, and Mowgli get really annoyed uncover his head down]'' Hmm. Hey! What a funny little bit of a-- ''[Mowgli slaps him in his nose]'' Oh!
:'''Mowgli:''' Go away!
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, boy! I've seen ''everything'' in these woods. Ooh, what have I run on? What a pretty thing '''''this''''' is!
:'''Mowgli:''' Leave me alone.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, now. ''[pat on Mowgli's back]'' That's pretty big '''''talk,''''' little britches.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm big enough. ''[he starts hitting Baloo in the tummy repeatedly but Baloo doesn't almost notice that]''
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha.. tsk-tsk-tsk. Pitiful. Hey, kid, you need help, an ol' Baloo's gonna learn you to fight like a bear. Now, come on, I'm gonna show you. Grrr! ''[he starts to dance around and Mowgli too, mimicking Baloo's move]'' Ha-ha! Yeah. All right now kid, loosen up, get real loosen, then start to weave, ''weave'' a little, now move, that's it. Now give me a big bear growl, scare me! ''[Mowgli makes a barely audible growl]'' Tsk-tsk-tsk. Oh, boy. I'm talking about like a big bear!
:''[Baloo makes a growl which rocks the jungle to the bottom and even Bagheera who was walking away all this time hears it.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' He's in trouble. Why, I-I shouldn't have left him alone!
:''[Bagheera runs back to Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily growls at Baloo]'' Grrr.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[anger roars loudly]'' '''''GRRR!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' A big one, right from the toes.
:'''Mowgli:''' How's that?
:''[Bagheera arrives and sees Baloo is dance fighting with Mowgli]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[off in the distance]'' Grrr!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[off-screen; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, no, it's Baloo! That shiftness stupid jungle bum!
:''[Baloo and Mowgli dance around again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Weave about, now look for an opening. Keep movin', keep-- ''[Mowgli takes some swings at Baloo's nose but misses; laughs]'' Ya, you're getting it, kid! ''[chuckles]'' Come on, that's it! ''[chuckles]'' He's a dandy! ''[Playfully slaps Mowgli on the bottom which sends him rolling around and leaves him knocked out on the ground.]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[chuckles]'' Fine teacher you are, Old Iron Paws.
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, thanks, Bagheera.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yeah, tell me, tell me after you know your pupil senseless, how do you expect him to remember the lesson, Hmm?
:''[Mowgli at this time already came to and sits on the ground, shaking head]''
:'''Baloo:''' Well, I-- I-- I didn't mean to... lay it on him so hard.
:''[Mowgli gets up and walks to Baloo, though kinda unsteadily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not hurt. '''''I'm''''' all right! I'm a lot tougher than some people ''think.''
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it! Now let's go once more. Now, I want you to keep circlin' or I'm gonna knock your roof in again, you better keep movin'-- ''[Mowgli hits Baloo into lower jaw]'' Ooph! ''[playfully falls down]'' Hey! Right on the ''button!'' ''[Mowgli climbs on Baloo's butt, occasionally tickling him with his feet; laughing.]'' No. No, no. No, no. Now, you're ticklin'. ''[chuckling happily; Mowgli starts tickling him deliberately]'' Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we don't do that here, the chat-- Oh, no, you're ticklin', I-I can't stand tick-- ''[chuckling playfully hysterically]'' '''''HELP, BAGHEERA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, boy. That's all he needs. More Confidence.
:'''Mowgli:''' Give up, Baloo?!
:'''Baloo:''' I give up, I told ya! ''[chuckles]'' Ooh, I give-- ''[Mowgli stops tickling him]'' Hey. ''[chuckles]'' You know something? You're all right, kid. What do they call you?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli. And he's going back to the Man Village right now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[shocked]'' Man Village? They'll ruin him! They'll make a man outta him!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[he notice Baloo want to stay in the Jungle]'' Oh, Baloo, I want to stay here with you!
:'''Baloo:''' Certainly you do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? And just how do you think he will survive?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[mimics Bagheera, sarcastically]'' &quot;How do you think he will...&quot; What do you mean &quot;How do you think he...&quot; He's with ''me'', ain't he? And ''I'll'' learn him all I know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh? That shouldn't take too long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Baloo glares at Bagheera and then turns to Mowgli at the Begins of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' Look, now it's like this, little britches. All you gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessitites of life. Wherever I wander, wherever I roam. I couldn't be fonder of my big home. The bees are buzzin' in the tree to make some honey just for me. When you look under the rocks and plants, and take a glance at the fancy ants. Then maybe try a few... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' You eat ants?
:'''Baloo''': ''[laughs]'' You better believe it. And you're gonna ''love'' the way they tickle.
:''[Rock almost falls on Mowgli]''
:'''Bagheera''': ''[stammers]'' '''MOWGLI, LOOK OUT!'''
:'''Baloo''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[trying to catch an ant]'' But when?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's why a bear can rest at ease with just the Bare Necessities of life. Now when you pick a pawpaw, or a prickly pear... ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[pointed prickling finger]'' Ow!
:'''Baloo''': ''[continue singing]'' ''♪ ...And you prick a raw paw. Well, next time, beware! Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw. When you pick a pear try to use the claw. But, you don't need to use the claw. When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw. Have I given you a clue? ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Golly, thanks, Baloo!
:'''Bagheera''': &quot;Pawpaw&quot;.... Ha! Of all the silly gibberish.
:'''Baloo''': ''[yanks a pouty Bagheera's foot as he smirks]'' Come on, Baggy! Get with the beat! ''[singing]'' ''♪ The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to me! ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ They'll come to you. ♪'' ''[Music from the song goes on through the whole following scratching scene]'' How 'bout scratchin' that old left shoulder while you're up there, Mowgli? ''[Mowgli scratches Baloo's back]'' Now just a hair lower. There, right there. That's it. Ahh... This is beautiful. That's good. Kid, we've got to get to tree, this calls for some ''big'' scratch.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs]'' You're lots of fun, Baloo!
:''[Baloo is now scratching against a tree]''
:'''Baloo:''' Right on it. Yeah. That's delicious. Ahh... ooh! Just a little bit-- Mm... yeah... ha-ha! Ooh! ''[pulls tree from the ground finally, and scratches by it trunk with his back to the his chest]'' Mm... mmm... ha-ha... ooh. Yeah. ''[Baloo, satisfied, lets himself fall into a river]'' Oh, man, this is really livin'. ''[floats in a river]'' So just try and relax. Yeah. ''[Mowgli gets on his tummy]'' Cool it. Fall apart in my backyard. ''[Mowgli float down a river]'' Cause' lemme tell you some'm, Li'l Britches: if you act like that bee-acts, uh-uh. You're working too hard. And don't spend your time just looking around.... for something you want that can't be found. ''[singing]'' ''♪ When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinking about it. And I'll tell you something true. The Bare Necessities of life will come to you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed, and turns walks away]'' Ahh... I give up. Well, I hope his luck holds out.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, how 'bout you singing?
:'''Baloo and Mowgli:''' ''[both singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[the monkeys sees Mowgli and Baloo are singing in the float a river]''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities, that's why a bear can rest at ease. With just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah!
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ With just the Bare Necessities of Life. ♪''
:'''Mowgli:''' Yeah, man!
:''[At the end of &quot;The Bare Necessities&quot;]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughing]'' '''''Beautiful!''''' That's ''real'' jungle harmony.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[smiles]'' I like being a bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[smiles]'' That's my boy. And you're gonna make one swell bear. Why, you even sing like one!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the monkeys have kidnapped Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' Bagheera! ''[Cut to Bagheera]'' ''[off in the distance]'' '''''BAGHEERAAA!'''''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[Turns around as he hears Baloo yelling his name a mile away]'' Well, it's happened. Took a little longer than I thought, but it's happened. ''[Starts running back toward Baloo, who's struggling to climb up the cliff. Bagheera reaches the cliff]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[on the edge, screaming loudly]'' '''''BAAA-GEE-RAH!!!!!!!''''' ''[Baloo has screamed so loudly in Bagheera's face that the sound leaves him shaken. Baloo then realizes that Bagheera is in front of him]'' Oh, you heard me, huh?
:'''Bagheera:''' Mowgli? '''''Mowgli?''''' All right, what happened? Where's Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' They ambushed me; '''''thousands''''' of 'em! I jabbed with my left, then I swung with the right, and then I let--!
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, for the last time, what happened to Mowgli?
:'''Baloo:''' Like I told ya; them mangy monkeys carried him off!
:'''Bagheera:''' The Ancient Ruins? Oh, I hate to think about what will happen when he meets that King of theirs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Louie:''' Ha-ha! So, you're the Man-Cub? ''[rolls his eyes]'' Crazy.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'm not as crazy as you are. ''[to the monkeys]'' Put me down!
:''[A monkey lets go of Mowgli's ankles, and Mowgli lands flat on his face.]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily shaking a fist at the monkey]'' You cut that out!
:'''King Louie:''' ''[picks up Mowgli by his loincloth]'' Cool it, boy, and unwind yourself. ''[scat-sings to himself; Mowgli furiously punches the air]'' Now, c'mon, let's shake, Cousin. ''[grabs Mowgli's hand and shakes it]''
:'''Mowgli:''' What do ya want '''''me''''' for?!
:'''King Louie:''' Word has grabbed my royal ear... ''[opens Mowgli's mouth]'' Have a banana. ''[shoots the banana into Mowgli's mouth]'' ....that you wanna stay in the jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full; impressed]'' Stay in the jungle? I sure do.
:'''King Louie:''' Good. And ol' King Louie... ''[scats, then indicates himself with all of his pointy fingers]'' That's me. ...can fix it for you. ''[holds up 3 of his fingers]'' Have ''2'' bananas. ''[shoots the banana pair into Mowgli's mouth]'' Have we got a deal?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[mouth full of bananas]'' Yes, sir. I'll do a-- ''[swallows]'' I'll do anything to stay in the jungle.
:'''King Louie:''' Well, then, I'll lay it on the line for you. ''[Begins singing &quot;I Wan'na Be Like You&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Gee, cousin Louie, you're doing real good.
:'''King Louie:''' Now, here's your part of the deal, cuz. Lay the secret on me of man's red fire.
:'''Mowgli:''' But I don't know how to make a fire.
:'''King Louie:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Now don't try to kid me, Man-Cub. I made a deal with you; what I desire is man's red fire to make my dream come true. Now give me the secret, Man-Cub. Come on, clue me what to do. Give me the power of man's red flower, so I can be like you. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[eavesdropping]'' '''''Fire?!?!?''''' So, '''''that's''''' what that scoundrel's after.
:'''Baloo:''' I'll tear him limb from limb! I'll beat him up! I'll-- I'll-- ''[starts dancing to the music]'' Yeah. Well, man, what a beat.
:'''Bagheera:''' Will you stop that silly beat business and listen? This will take brains, not brawn.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it, and I'm loaded with both!
:'''Bagheera:''' Would you listen?
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. ''[begins sneaking off into the music]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, while you create a disturbance, I'll rescue Mowgli. Got that?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[dancing away]'' I'm gone, man. Solid gone.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[alarmed]'' '''''NOT YET, BALOO!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bagheera:''' And furthermore, Baloo, Mowgli seems to have man's ability to get into trouble, and your influence hasn't been exactly--
:'''Baloo:''' Shh! Keep it down. You're gonna wake Little Buddy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Awww.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, he's had a big day. It was a real sockaroo. You know, it ain't easy learnin' to be like me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Puh! A disgraceful performance; Associating with those undesirable, scatterbrained apes. Huh. I hope Mowgli learned something from that experience.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sighs, talks in his sleep]'' Scooby-dooby-dooby-doo.
:'''Baloo:''' Ha-ha. That's my boy.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, nonsense. ''[Baloo puts leaves under Mowgli's head.]'' Baloo, come over here. I'd like to have a word with you.
:'''Baloo:''' A word? You gonna talk some more? ''[yawns]'' All right, what's up, Bagheera?
:'''Bagheera:''' Baloo, the Man-Cub must go back to the Man Village. ''[Baloo eats some grapes from a tree]'' The jungle is not the place for him.
:'''Baloo:''' I grew up in the jungle. ''[eats another piece of grapes]'' Take a look at me.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, just look at yourself. Look at that eye. ''[Baloo looks himself in the river and sees that he has a black eye.]''
:'''Baloo:''' Yeah. It's beautiful, ain't it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Frankly, you're a disreputable sight.
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you don't look exactly like a basket of fruit, yourself.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[looks himself in the river and sees that he also has a black eye.]'' D'oh! ''[clears his throat]'' Baloo, you can't adopt Mowgli as your son.
:'''Baloo:''' Why not?
:'''Bagheera:''' How... How can I put it? ''[Baloo eats a handful of grapes]'' Baloo, birds of a feather should flock together. ''[Baloo shrugs]'' You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Baloo:''' I don't know. ''[chuckling]'' Come to think of it, no panther ever asked me. ''[elbows Bagheera and chuckles]''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[annoyed]'' Baloo, y-y-you've got to be serious about this.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[seriously]'' Oh, stop worryin', Baggy. Stop worryin', I'll take care of him.
:'''Bagheera:''' Yes, like you did when the monkeys kidnapped him, huh?
:'''Baloo:''' Can't a guy make one mistake?
:'''Bagheera:''' Not in the jungle. And another thing. Sooner or later, Mowgli will meet Shere Khan.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[suddenly very shocked]'' The tiger? What's '''''he''''' got against the kid?
:'''Bagheera:''' He hates man with a vengeance, you know that! Because he fears Man's gun and Man's fire.
:'''Baloo:''' But little Mowgli don't have those things.
:'''Bagheera:''' Shere Khan won't wait until he does. He'll get Mowgli while he's young and helpless. ''[raises a paw at Baloo]'' Just one swipe, and--!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Oh! Well-- Well, what are we gonna do?
:'''Bagheera''' ''[seeing that Baloo is now just as worried about Mowgli as he is]'' We'll do what's best for the boy.
:'''Baloo:''' You better believe it. You name it, and I'll do it.
:'''Bagheera:''' Good. Then make Mowgli go to the Man Village.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Are you out of your mind?! I promised him that he could stay here in the jungle with me!
:'''Bagheera:''' Well, that's just the point! As long as he remains with you, he's in danger. So, it's up to you.
:'''Baloo:''' Why me?!
:'''Bagheera:''' B-B-B-Because he won't listen to me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[humbled]'' But I love that kid. ''[sniffles]'' I love him like he was my own cub.
:'''Bagheera''' Then think of what's best for Mowgli, and not yourself.
:'''Baloo:''' But-- Well, can't-- Well, can't I wait until morning?
:'''Bagheera:''' It's morning now. Go on, Baloo.
:''[An emotional Baloo sighs and walks towards Mowgli before looking back at Bagheera with a choked-up facial expression. Bagheera understands that it's really hard for him, but he urges him with a nod.]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; he isn't sure how to tell Mowgli the difficult truth]'' Oh, boy. Mowgli? Mowgli. Um, it's time to get up.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[wakes up with a yawn]'' Oh, hi, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Hi. Hey, rub that old sleep outta your eyes. You and me, we got a long walk ahead of us.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[not really noticing that Baloo is now looking melancholy]'' Swell! Gee, we'll have lots of fun together!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sadly]'' Sure, yeah. Yeah. All right, let's hit the trail, kid. See ya 'round, Bagheera.
:'''Mowgli:''' Well, good-bye, Bagheera. Me and Baloo, we've got things to do.
:'''Bagheera:''' Goodbye, Man-Cub. And good luck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mowgli:''' Come on, Baloo. ''[imitating Baloo's sentence about &quot;Bare Necessities&quot;]'' All we've gotta do is... ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, some good ol' Bare Necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the Bare Necessities! That's way a bear can rest at ease, with just the Bare Necessities of life. ♪'' ''[throw the banana to Baloo]'' Yeah! ''[singing]'' ''♪ I'll live here in the Jungle all my life! ♪'' Yeah, man! I like being a bear. ''[Baloo looks worried holds the banana]'' Where are we going, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[throw the banana off the ground]'' Well, ah... it's a... um, well it's sort of new and, uh--
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[holding a Baloo's paw]'' Oh, I don't care, as long as I'm with you.
:''[the &quot;My Own Home&quot; theme plays in background again]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, look, buddy, uh, there's something I've got to tell you.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chasing a butterfly]'' Tell me what, Baloo?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sighs; rubbing his neck, and scratches his chest]'' Oh, gee whiz. Now, how did ol' Baggy put it? ''[happily realizes what will Bagheera saids]'' Uh, uh, Mowgli... Ha! You wouldn't marry a panther, would you?
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[chuckles]'' Gee, I don't even know what you're talking about. ''[catches a butterfly, misses]''
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, don't you realize that you're ''human?''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[started to playful fight Baloo again]'' I'm not anymore, Baloo. I'm a bear like you!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[nervously]'' Little buddy, look, listen to me.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[playful fighting Baloo's tummy]'' Come on! Come on, Baloo!
:'''Baloo:''' Now Mowgli, stop it now, now hold still. ''[grabs Mowgli's hands]'' I wa-- I wanna tell you something, now listen to me!
:'''Mowgli:''' What's the matter, ol' papa bear?
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sadly]'' Look Mowgli, I've been trying to tell you, I've been trying all morning to tell you. '''''I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOU BACK TO THE MAN VILLAGE!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[shocked, alarmed]'' '''''THE MAN VILLAGE?!?'''''
:'''Baloo:''' Now look, kid, I can explain...
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[backs up slowly]'' But-But you said we were partners.
:'''Baloo:''' Now believe me, kid, I--
:'''Mowgli:''' You're just like... like '''''old Bagheera!'''''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[angrily]'' Now, ''just'' a minute! ''That's'' going too far! ''[Mowgli runs off in the opposite direction, and Baloo tries to calling for him]'' Hey, Mowgli, where are you going? Wait a minute! Stop! Wait! '''''Wait!''''' Listen to ol' Baloo! Mowgli? ''Mowgli?'' Mowgli! ''[Mowgli flees away, Baloo feeling hurt and betrayed by him]'' Mowgli! ''Mowgli!''  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[runs up to Baloo after hearing him calling for Mowgli]'' Now, what's happened? 
:'''Baloo:''' Well, you're, you're-- You're not gonna believe me, Bagheera, but look-- Now, I used the same words you did, and he ran out on me! 
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[stammering]'' W-Well, don't just stand there! Let's separate! W-We've got to find him! ''[runs off in the opposite direction]''
:'''Baloo:''' Oh, if anything happens to that little guy, I'll ''never'' forgive myself. I ''gotta'' find him. ''Mowgli!'' Mowgli!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shere Khan the Tiger appearing prowling in the grass. Shere Khan comes close to a Bambi's mother deer grazing, lies down ready to pounce, but Colonel Hathi and the other elephants trumpets and deer runs away.]''
:'''Elephants:''' ''[march and sing]'' ''♪ Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. Keep it up, two, three-- ♪''
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[furiously]'' What a beastly luck! Confound that ridiculous ''Colonel'' Hathi!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Col. Hathi and the Jungle Patrol are marching]''
:'''Bagheera:''' Stop! Wait a minute. ''[bellows]'' '''''HA-A-A-A-A-A-A-LT!'''''
:''[The Jungle Patrol abruptly stops]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''Oh'''! '''Oh!''''' Who said, &quot;Halt!&quot;? '''''I''''' give the commands around here. Now, speak up. Who was it?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it was me, Colonel.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' What do you mean, sir? Taking over my command? Highly irregular, you know.
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, Colonel, I'm sorry, but, but I need your help.
:''[Shere Khan is seen spying on them]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Oh, absolutely impossible! We're on a cross-country march!
:'''Bagheera:''' But it's an emergency, Colonel. The Man-Cub must be found.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[cocks his left ear while eavesdropping their private chat from afar]'' How interesting.
:'''Bagheera:''' The one who I was taking to the Man Village.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Good. That's where he belongs. Now, sir, if you don't mind, we'd like to get on with the march.
:'''Bagheera:''' No, no-no, you-you don't understand, Hathi. He is lost. He ran away.
:'''Shere Khan:''' How delightful.
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Well, it serves the whippersnapper right.
:'''Bagheera:''' But, but Shere Khan, the Tiger, he's sure to pick up the Man-Cub's trail.
:''[Shere Khan nods his head, agreeing with Bagheera.]''
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[laughs]'' Shere Khan. Nonsense, old boy. Shere Khan isn't within miles from here. ''[Shere Khan shakes his head in disagreement, and chuckles evilly, as if saying &quot;That's what '''you''' think.&quot;]'' Oh, sorry, Bagheera. Fortunes of war, and all that sort of thing, you know.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[angrily storms towards Hathi, with Hathi Jr. following her]'' This has gone far enough. Far enough! ''[to Hathi]'' Now, just a minute, you pompous old windbag!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Winifred! What are you doing out of ranks?
:'''Winifred:''' Never mind. ''[indicating Hathi Jr.]'' How would you like to have '''''our''''' boy lost and alone in the jungle?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Our son? Alone? But, Winifred, old girl, that's an entirely different matter!
:'''Winifred:''' Huh!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' Different, entirely.
:'''Winifred:''' That little boy is no different than our own son. Now, '''''you''''' help find him, or '''''I'm''''' taking over command!
:'''Col. Hathi:''' '''''WHAT?! A female leading my herd?!''''' Utterly preposterous!
:'''Hathi Jr.:''' Pop, the Man-Cub and I are friends. He'll get hurt if we don't find him. Please, Pop, sir? Please?
:'''Col. Hathi:''' ''[smiles]'' Now, don't you worry, Son. Your father had a plan in mind all the time.
:'''Winifred:''' ''[scoffs; sarcastically]'' '''''Sure''''' you did.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[gets shocked at Winifred's sarcasm, but regains composure, and clears throat]'' Troopers! Company, left face! ''[the elephants turn around in a military fashion]'' Volunteers for a special mission will step one pace forward. ''[the elephants step back; Elephant #3 is still chewing, but stops and backs up; Hathi sees the elephants and chuckles]'' That's what I like to see; Devotion to duty. Now, you volunteers will find the lost Man-Cub.
:'''Bagheera''': Oh, thank you, Colonel. Now, there's no time to lose.
:'''Col. Hathi''': Yes, yes. ''[to Bulger]'' Uh, Bugler, when the Man-Cub is sighted, you will sound your trumpet three times.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': Yes, sir. ''[trumpets loudly, but Hathi abruptly stops him.]''
:'''Col. Hathi''': Shh! Not now, soldier.
:'''Bugler Elephant''': ''[nasally]'' Sorry, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[to Lieutenant]'' Lieutenant, our strategy shall be the element of surprise. ''[whispers]'' You will take one squad, and cover the right flank.
:'''Lieutenant:''' ''[whispers]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Col. Hathi''': ''[whispers]'' And I shall take the other squad on the '''''left''''' flank. Very well. ''[bellows]'' '''''COMPANY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...''''' ''[bellow echoes]'' '''''FORWARD, MARCH!'''''
:'''Shere Khan''': Element of surprise? Ho. I say. ''[chortles]'' And now, for '''''my''''' rendezvous with the little lost Man-Cub.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli walking aimlessly alone in the Jungle. Kaa picks Mowgli with his tail from the ground and raises to the branch he is on]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[surprised]'' Kaa, it's you!
:'''Kaa:''' Yesss, Man-Cub, so nice to see you again. Sss-sss-sss!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushing Kaa away again.]'' Oh, go away. Leave me alone.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[trying to get Mowgli to his hypnosis look into his eyes]'' Let me look at you. ''[Mowgli turns away from Kaa's eyes]'' You don't ''want'' me to look at you? Then you look at me. ''[hypnotize Mowgli with his eyes, and looks away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' No, sir! ''[Kaa wrap his tail to him]'' I know what you're trying to do-- Kaa!
:'''Kaa:''' You do? Uh, I mean... you don't trust me.
:'''Mowgli:''' No!
:'''Kaa:''' Then there's nothing I can do to help.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[untied Kaa's tail with his leg]'' You want to help me?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[he sneaks Mowgli behind, and now waving agreement]'' Ss-certainly. I can see to it that you never to leave this jungle.
:'''Mowgli:''' How could you do that?
:'''Kaa:''' Hmm? Oh, I have my own ss-subtle little ways. ''[chuckles]'' But first, you must trust me.
:''[Kaa stares at Mowgli with his eyes, and staring away]''
:'''Mowgli:''' I don't trust anyone anymore.
:''[Kaa now struggles with his coils to push Mowgli off his head]''
:'''Kaa:''' I don't blame you. I'm not like those so-called fair-weather friends of yours. You can believe in me. ''[Kaa finally gets to see into Mowgli's eyes long enough; singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes. And trust in me. ♪'' ''[hold Mowgli's forehead with his tail]'' Hold still, please. ''[singing]'' ''♪ You can sleep. Safe and sound. Knowing I...am around. Slip into silent slumber. Sail on a silver mist. Slowly and surely your senses. Will cease to resist. ♪'' ''[Mowgli snores while standing on his head on the tip of Kaa's tail]'' You're snoring.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[half-asleep]'' Sorry.
:'''Kaa:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Trust in me, and just in me. [Shere Khan appears below and listens] Shut your eyes, and just in me. ♪''  
:''[Kaa has Mowgli wrapped in his coils as Shere Khan pulls Kaa’s tail like ringing a doorbell]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh! Oh, now what? I'll be right down. ''[gets down from the tree almost completely]'' Yes? Yes? Who is it?
:'''Shere Khan:''' It's me, Shere Khan. Uh, I'd like a word with you, if you don't mind.
:'''Kaa:''' Shere Khan. What a surprise.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Yes, isn't it? I just dropped by. Uh, forgive me if I've interrupted anything.
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, no, no. Nothing at all.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[his claws pop out from his paw, and he drums on the ground with them]'' I thought perhaps that you were entertaining someone up there in your coils.
:'''Kaa:''' Coils? Someone? Oh, no. I was just curling up for my siesta.
:'''Shere Khan:''' But you were singing to someone. ''[grabs hold of Kaa's throat]'' Who is it, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' ''[choking like mad]'' Uh, who? ''[coughs]'' Oh, no. No. I was just...singing to myself.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Indeed.
:'''Kaa:''' Yes. You see, I have... ''[gulps]'' ...trouble with my sssinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' What a pity. ''[releases Kaa's neck and gently pins him to the ground]''
:'''Kaa:''' Oh, you have no idea. It's simply terrible. I can't eat. I can't sssleep. So, I sssing myself to sleep. You know, self-hypnosis? ''[smiles deviously, brings his head close to Shere Khan's face]'' Let me show you how it works. ''[He uses his hypnosis technique with his eyes]'' ''♪ Tru-u-u-ust in me-- ♪''
:''[Shere Khan pushes Kaa away and pins his head to the ground, unaffected]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' Oh, no, I can't be bothered with that. I have no time for that sort of nonsense.
:'''Kaa:''' SS-S-Some other time? Perhaps?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Perhaps. But at the moment, I'm searching for a Man-Cub.
:'''Kaa:''' Man-Cub? What Man-Cub?
:'''Shere Khan:''' The one who's lost. Now, where do you suppose he could be?
:'''Kaa:''' Search me. ''[He closes his mouth for telling Shere Khan to search Mowgli on his tentacles]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' That's an excellent idea. ''[chuckles]'' I'm sure that you wouldn't mind showing me your coils, would you, Kaa?
:'''Kaa:''' Certainly not. ''[lowers his tail]'' Nothing here...and nothing in here. ''[his tail pointing to his mouth open, and Shere Khan hears Mowgli snoring. Alarmed, he starts snorting and coughs.]'' My sinuses.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Indeed. And now, how about the middle?
:'''Kaa:''' The middle? Oh, the middle. ''[lowering the middle leaving Mowgli on the tree trunk spinning around and showing Shere Khan the middle of his coils and then getting tickled]'' Absolutely nothing in the middle.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Hmm. Really? Well, if you do just happen to see the Man-Cub, you will inform me first. Understand? ''[scratching Kaa's neck gently]''
:'''Kaa:''' ''[gulps]'' I get the point. ''[spinning himself into a bow with his head on top]'' Cross my heart, hope to die.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Good show. And now, I must continue my search for the helpless little lad. ''[leaves]''
:'''Kaa:''' Ooh, who does he think he's fooling? &quot;The helpless little lad.&quot; Ooooh, he gives me the ''sh-sh-sh-shivers.'' ''[Kaa's shivering unintentionally wakes up Mowgli]'' Picking on that poor, little, helpless boy. ''[sighs, but smiles]'' Oh, yes. Poor, little, helpless boy. ''[Mowgli pushes the rest of Kaa off the branches and sends him falling comically to the ground yet again, in the same exact manner]'' Ooh!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[climbs down the tree]'' You told me a lie, Kaa! You said that I could trust you!
:'''Kaa:''' It's like you said; you can't trust anyone! ''[tries to strike Mowgli, only to again be caught in by a knot in his tail; when he pulls it out, his body comes back like an accordion]'' If I never see that s-ss-skinny little shrimp again, it will be too s-s-s-soon.  Ooh, my s-s-s-sacroiliac.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The vultures sitting on a dead tree.]''
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[yawns]'' Hey, Flaps. What we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! Let's flap over to the east side of the jungle. They've always got a bit of action, a bit of a swingin' scene, all right!
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, come off it. Things are right dead all over.
:'''Ziggy:''' You mean that you wish they were! ''[They all laugh, except for Dizzy]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Very funny.
:'''Buzzy:''' OK. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don’t know. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' Look, Flaps. First I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;I don't know. What'cha wanna do?&quot; Then I say, &quot;What we gonna do?&quot; Then you say, &quot;What'cha wanna do?&quot; &quot;What we gonna do? What you want...&quot; Let's do ''something!''
:'''Flaps:''' Okay. What'cha wanna do?
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[annoyed]'' Oh, blimey. There you go again, the same notes again!
:'''Ziggy:''' I've got it! This time, I've ''really'' got it!
:'''Buzzy:''' So, you got it. So, what we gonna do?
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[spots Mowgli approaching]'' Hold it, lads. Look. Look what's coming our way.
:'''Flaps:''' Hey, what in the world is that?
:'''Ziggy:''' What a crazy-looking bunch of bones.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, and they're all walking about by themselves. ''[they all laugh]''
:''[They look at Mowgli who sits down on a stone]''
:'''Buzzy:''' So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now, don't start ''that'' again!
:'''Ziggy:''' ''[Pushing the others off the tree]'' C'mon, lads. C'mon. Let's have some fun with this little fella. This Little Bloke, eh?
:''[They all fly down to Mowgli]''
:'''Flaps:''' ''[feeling Mowgli's legs]'' Blimey! He's got legs like a stork, he has.
:'''Buzzy:''' Like a stork, heh-heh, but he ain't got no feathers, he ain't.
:''[Vultures laugh, Mowgli feeling hurt when he tears]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Go ahead. Laugh. I don't care.
:''[He walks away]''
:'''Dizzy:''' What's wrong with him?
:'''Flaps:''' I think we overdid it.
:'''Dizzy:''' We were just having a bit of fun, that's all.
:'''Buzzy:''' Aw, just look at him. What a poor little fella. You know, he must be down on his luck.
:'''Dizzy:''' Yeah, or he wouldn't be in our neighbourhood.
:''[Buzzy tries to catch up Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Hey, new kid! Wait a minute! Hey!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[sadly]'' Just leave me alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Oh, come on, what's wrong? ''You'' know, you look like you haven't got a friend in the world.
:'''Mowgli:''' I haven't.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[indicating Mowgli's parents]'' Haven't you got a mother or a father?
:'''Mowgli:''' No. Nobody wants me around.
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, we know how you feel.
:'''Dizzy:''' Nobody wants us around, either.
:'''Buzzy:''' We may look a bit shabby, but we've got hearts.
:'''Dizzy:''' And feelings, too.
:'''Buzzy:''' ''[smiles]'' And just to prove it to you, we're gonna let you join our little group.
:'''Flaps:''' ''[honored]'' Kid, we'd like to make you an honorary vulture.
:'''Mowgli:''' Thanks, but I-- I'd rather be on my own alone.
:'''Buzzy:''' Uh, now look, kid, ''everybody's'' got to have ''friends.'' ''[to vultures]'' Hey, fellas, are we his friends? ''[Begins sings &quot;That's what friends are for&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[applauds]'' Bravo. Bravo. An extraordinary performance. ''[evilly]'' And thank you for detaining my victim.
:'''Flaps:''' Uh, d-don't mention it... ''[gulps]'' ...Your Highness.
:'''Shere Khan:''' ''[chuckles]'' Boo!
:''[the Vultures get scared of Shere Khan]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Let's get out of here!
:'''Buzzy:''' Give me room! Gangway! ''[to Mowgli]'' Run, friend! Run!
:'''Mowgli:''' Run? Why should ''I'' run?
:'''Shere Khan:''' Why should you run? Could it be possible that you don't know who I am?
:'''Mowgli:''' I know you, all right. You're Shere Khan.
:'''Shere Khan:''' Precisely. ''[pops his claws out of his right paw]'' Then you should also know that ''everyone'' runs from Shere Khan. ''[pokes Mowgli's chin with his right paw]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[angrily pushes Shere Khan's paw away]'' You don't scare me! I won't run from anyone!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Ah, you have spirit for one so small. And such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance. Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and count to 10. It makes the chase more interesting...for me. 1... ''[Mowgli looks for something to defend himself with as Shere Khan continues counting]''...2... ''[Mowgli spots something and goes over to retrieve it.]'' ...3... ''[As Mowgli picks up a stick, Shere Khan begins to suspect something.]'' ...4... ''[Mowgli prepares to defend himself]'' You're trying my patience. ''[counts faster just as Baloo arrives]'' 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
:''[Shere Khan leaps at Mowgli with a loud roar, Mowgli loses all of his nerve at the sight of this fearsome creature; Shere Khan almost catches Mowgli until Baloo grabs him by the tail]''
:'''Baloo:''' Run, Mowgli, run!
:'''Shere Khan''': Let go, you big oaf!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[scared]'' Ooh! Take it easy! Take it-- Ooh! H-Hold it! Hold it! Whoa! Slow down! ''[Shere Khan tries to bite him]'' Whoa! Yeow! Whoa! Slow! Easy, now! Ooh! Whoa, whoa, easy!
:'''Buzzy:''' He's got a tiger by the tail, he has.
:'''Dizzy:''' And he'd better hang on, too.
:''[Baloo hides beside a tree, but Shere Khan bites him in the butt]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[screams in agony]'' '''''YEOW!!!!'''''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hits Shere Khan with a thick twig in retaliation]'' Take that, you big bully! 
:'''Flaps:''' Let 'im have it again, kid! Hit 'im again, kid! Go on!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[starts to flee as Shere Khan chases him, but Baloo grabs Shere Khan's tail]'' Baloo, help me!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[he hangs over a tree branch, shocked, and turns around to Shere Khan chases Mowgli]'' '''''OOHH!''''' ''[stammers]'' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! ''[as he runs, Shere Khan roars, and Baloo gets a bumpy slide on the ground]'' Somebody do something with that kid.
:'''Ziggy:''' Come on, lads!
:''[Flaps and Ziggy have just saved Mowgli]''
:'''Buzzy:''' He's safe now! ''[laughs]'' You can let go, Baloo.
:'''Baloo:''' Are you kiddin'? There's teeth on the other end.
:''[Baloo hanging over a branch, Shere Khan gets Baloo on the ground before him, and Shere Khan throws Baloo on the ground]''
:'''Shere Khan:''' I’ll kill you for this.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[Flaps and Buzzy are holding him]'' Let go! Baloo needs help!
:''[Suddenly, a thunderclap is heard and lightning strikes a tree, splitting it in half and catches fire]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Fire! That's the only thing that Ol' Stripes is afraid of.
:'''Flaps:''' You get the fire, we'll do the rest.
:''[Mowgli picks up a fire branch, Shere Khan knocks Baloo out]''
:'''Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy:''' '''''CHARGE!!'''''
:''[Buzzy, Dizzy, Flaps &amp; Ziggy hover Shere Khan and laugh]''
:'''Flaps:''' Punch and blow!
:'''Shere Khan:''' Stay out of this, you mangy fools!
:'''Buzzy:''' Yeah, yeah! ''[ducks during Shere Khan's attack]'' Missed me a mile, he did! ''[vultures laughs, Mowgli try to get the fire branch, Flaps pulls a Shere Khan's whiskers]'' Yeah, pull his blinkin' whiskers!
:'''Flaps:''' He's a bloomin' pussycat is! 
:''[Mowgli takes a burning branch and ties it to Shere Khan's tail]''
:'''Dizzy:''' Look behind you, chum.
:''[Shere Khan gasps, he panic runs away, getting burnt by the fire on every step, and flees away]''
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, that was the last of him.
:''[they vultures laughs]''
:'''Ziggy:''' Old stripes took off like a flaming comet, idiot.
:'''Buzzy:''' Well, come on, let's go congratulate our friend.
:'''Dizzy:''' ''[approaching]'' Hold it, fellas. Now's not the time for it. Look.
:''[Mowgli comes to Baloo, who is lying without signs of life has [[w:Death|died]] at the paws of Shere Khan]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Baloo? Baloo, get up. Oh please, get up. Oh.  
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[appears, sadly]'' Mowgli, try to understand.
:'''Mowgli:''' Bagheera, what's the matter with him?
:'''Bagheera:''' You've got to be brave, like Baloo was.
:'''Mowgli:''' Y-You don't mean--? Oh, no. Baloo.
:'''Bagheera:''' Now, now. I know how you feel. But you must remember, Mowgli: ''[quotes John 15:13 from the Holy Bible]'' &quot;Greater love hath no one than he who lays down his life for his friend.&quot; ''[As the panther speaks, Baloo opens his eyes, alive and well.]'' When great deeds are remembered in this jungle, one name will stand above all others; our friend Baloo the Bear.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[sniffling]'' He's crackin’ me up.
:'''Bagheera:''' The memory of Baloo's sacrifice and bravery will forever be engraved on our saddened hearts.
:'''Baloo:''' Beautiful.
:'''Bagheera:''' This spot where Baloo fell will always be a hallowed place in the jungle, for there lies one of nature's noblest creatures.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[still sniffling]'' I wish that my mother could've heard this.
:'''Bagheera:''' It's best we leave now. Come along, Man-Cub.
:'''Baloo:''' Hey, don't stop now, Baggy, you're doin' great! There's more! Lots more!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[sees Baloo still alive and is furious]'' '''''WHY, YOU.... BIG.... FRAUD!!!!''''' You.... You-You-You four-flusher! I-I am fed up!
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[hugs Baloo]'' Baloo! You're all right!
:'''Baloo:''' ''[laughs]'' Who, me? Sure, I am! Never felt... better.
:''[Vultures laugh happily]''
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[laughs in relief]'' You sure had us worried.
:'''Baloo:''' Aw, I was just takin' 5. Y'know, like, playin' it cool. Heh! Yeah, but he was too easy.
:'''Mowgli:''' Good ol' Papa Bear!
:'''Dizzy:''' It's going to be a bit dull without that Little Bloke, isn't it?
:'''Buzzie:''' Yeah. So, what are we gonna do?
:'''Flaps:''' I don't know. Hey, now don't start ''that'' again!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dissolve to Baloo, Mowgli and Bagheera walking]''
:'''Baloo:''' Hey Baggy, too bad you missed the action. You should have seen how I made a sucker out ol' stripes with that left up in his face. ''[fists Bagheera's face]'' Boom, boom, I was giving him '''''wham'''''! ''[to Mowgli]'' You know some, we're good sparring partners.
:'''Mowgli:''' ''[imitating Baloo's sentence]'' You better believe it!
:'''Baloo:''' Yes, sir! Nothing that nobody is ever gonna come between us again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mowgli sees the girl from the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Mowgli:''' Look. What's that?
:'''Bagheera:''' Oh, it's the Man Village.
:'''Mowgli:''' No, no. I mean '''''that'''''.
:'''Baloo:''' Forget about those. They ain't nothin’ but trouble.
:'''Mowgli:''' Just a minute. I've never seen one before.
:'''Baloo:''' So you've seen one. So let's go.
:'''Mowgli:''' I'll be right back. I want a better look.
:'''Baloo:''' Mowgli, wait a minute!
:'''Bagheera:''' Ah, Baloo. Let him have a better look.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shanti drops her pot of water purposefully, pretending to do it by accident, and it rolls towards Mowgli]''
:'''Baloo:''' She did that on purpose!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiling]'' Obviously.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baloo:''' ''[concerned]'' Mowgli. Come back. Come back!
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[encouragingly]'' Go on. Go on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last lines; After Mowgli, falling in love with Shanti, enters the Man Village for the first time]''
:'''Baloo:''' ''[stunned]'' He's hooked.
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[smiles]'' Ah, it was inevitable, Baloo. The boy couldn't help himself. It was bound to happen. Mowgli is where he belongs now.
:'''Baloo:''' ''[resigned]'' Yeah. I guess you're right. ''[smiles]'' But I still think that he'd have made one swell bear. ''[inhales]'' Well, c'mon, Baggy, buddy. Let's get back to where ''we'' belong, and get with the beat. ''[singing]'' ''♪ Look for the Bare Necessities, the simple Bare Necessities. ♪''
:'''Bagheera:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ Forget about your worries and your strife. ♪''
:'''Both:''' ''[singing]'' ''♪ I mean the Bare Necessities! Ol' Mother Nature's recipes, that bring the Bare Necessities of life. ♪''

== Cast==
* [[w:Bruce Reitherman|Bruce Reitherman]] as Mowgli
* [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] as Baloo
* [[w:Sebastian Cabot (actor)|Sebastian Cabot]] as Bagheera
* [[w:Louis Prima|Louis Prima]] as King Louie
* [[w:George Sanders|George Sanders]] as Shere Khan
* [[w:Sterling Holloway|Sterling Holloway]] as Kaa
* [[w:J. Pat O'Malley|J. Pat O'Malley]] as Colonel Hathi/Buzzie
* [[w:Verna Felton|Verna Felton]] as Winifred
* [[w:Clint Howard|Clint Howard]] as Junior
* [[w:Chad Stuart|Chad Stuart]] as Flaps
* [[w:Lord Tim Hudson|Lord Tim Hudson]] as Dizzie
* [[w:John Abbott (actor, born 1905)|John Abbott]] as Akela
* [[w:Ben Wright (actor)|Ben Wright]] as Rama the Father Wolf
* [[w:Darleen Carr|Darleen Carr]] as The Girl (named Shanti in ''The Jungle Book 2'')
* [[w:Leo De Lyon|Leo De Lyon]] as Flunkey*
* [[w:Hal Smith (actor)|Hal Smith]] as The Slob Elephant*
* [[w:Digby Wolfe|Digby Wolfe]] as Ziggy*
* [[w:Skiles and Henderson|Bill Skiles and Pete Henderson]] as Monkeys*
* [[w:Thurl Ravenscroft|Thurl Ravenscroft]] as Colonel Hathi's crew
* [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] as Shere Khan (roaring)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Jungle Book (1967 film)}}
*{{Commonscat-inline}}
* [http://disney.go.com/disneyvideos/animatedfilms/junglebook/ Official website]
* {{imdb title|id=0061852}}
* [http://www.toonopedia.com/junglebk.htm Don Markstein's Toonopedia: The Jungle Book]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jungle Book, The}}
[[Category:1960s American animated films]]
[[Category:1967 films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Wolfgang Reitherman films]]
[[Category:The Jungle Book films|Jungle Book 1]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Brain</title>
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      <text bytes="10725" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brain 090407.jpg|thumb|If the [[human]] brain were so [[simple]] that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. ~ Emerson M. Pugh]]
The '''[[w:brain|brain]]''' is an [[w:organ (anatomy)|organ]] that serves as the center of the [[w:nervous system|nervous system]] in all [[w:vertebrate|vertebrate]] and most [[w:invertebrate|invertebrate]] animals—only a few invertebrates such as [[w:sponge|sponge]]s, [[w:cnidaria|jellyfish]], adult [[w:tunicate|sea squirts]] and [[w:echinoderm|starfish]] do not have a brain, even if diffuse [[w:neural tissue|neural tissue]] is present. It is located in the head, usually close to the primary sensory organs for such [[w:sense|sense]]s as [[w:Visual perception|vision]], [[w:hearing|hearing]], [[w:Balance (ability)|balance]], [[w:taste|taste]], and [[w:Olfaction|smell]].

{{Sci-stub}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Paul Erdos with Terence Tao.jpg|thumb|My brain is open! ~ [[Paul Erdős]] ]]
*BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

*My brain is a piggybank. Drop your coins and feel happy because you’re contributing to my [[economy]]. Fundraiser, you are raising the funds to kill my soul every day a little more.
** [[Giannina Braschi]] in the Postcolonial novel ''United States of Banana'' (2011)

* We do have an organ for understanding and recognizing moral facts. It is called the brain.
** [[Paul Churchland]], in ''A Neurocomputational Perspective'' (1989).

* Do we ''trivialize'' a sublime feeling if we appreciate its dependence on the brain? Not in the least. Its significance does not depend on its being a soul state or a brain state...Humility bids us to take ourselves as we are; we do not have to be cosmically significant to be genuinely significant.
** [[Patricia Churchland]], in ''Brain-Wise'' (2002).

* [[Aristotle]] taught that the brain exists merely to cool the [[blood]] and is not involved in the process of [[thinking]]. This is true only of certain persons.
** [[Will Cuppy]], ''The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody'', 1950.

* It is an article of passionate [[faith]] among '[[politically correct]]' biologists and anthropologists that brain size has no connection with [[intelligence]]; that intelligence has nothing to do with [[genes]]; and that genes are probably nasty [[fascist]] things anyway.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], in ''The Economist'', Vol. 328 (1993).

* You have a brain, my friend; but I have a heart. 
** [[Laxmi Prasad Devkota]], ''Lunatic''

* '''My brain is open!'''
** [[Paul Erdős]], in a standard greeting he would make when he was not contemplating some mathematical problem, as quoted in ''My Brain Is Open : The Mathematical Journeys of Paul Erdos'' (1998) by Bruce Schechter, p. 10.

* In the Arena of Brains no more salutary thing can befall a man than to meet his match. The discipline is stern, but not of the most adamant.
** [[w:Norman Gale|Norman Gale]], ''A June Romance'' (Rugby: George E. Over, 1894), p. 66

* By the time a [[w:Fetus|fetus]] is 6 months old, it is producing electrical signals recognizable as [[w:Brain waves|brain waves]]. &lt;br&gt; And clusters of lab-grown human brain cells known as organoids seem to follow a similar schedule, researchers reported Thursday in the journal ''Cell Stem Cell''. &lt;br&gt; &quot;After these organoids are in that six-to-nine-months range, that's when [the electrical patterns] start to look a lot like what you'd see with a preterm [[w:Infant|infant]],&quot; says Alysson Muotri, director of the stem cell program at the [[w:University of California|University of California]], [[w:San Diego|San Diego]].
** Jon Hamilton, quoting Alysson Muotri in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

*If... too much blood is supplied to the brain, congestion of the vessels takes place, and irregularity in its action is at once produced; if too little, the brain (and, therefore, the nervous system) becomes first irritable and then lethargic. The quality of the blood supplied is also of great importance. As it courses through the body it has two principal functions to perform — to supply oxygen and to provide nutrition to the different organs of the body; and if it be unable adequately to fulfill either of these functions, a certain disorganization will follow. If the supply of oxygen to the brain be deficient, it becomes overcharged with carbon dioxide, and heaviness and lethargy very shortly supervene. A common example of this is the feeling of dullness and sleepiness which frequently overtakes one in a crowded and ill-ventilated room; owing to the exhaustion of the oxygen in the room by the continued respiration of so large a number of people, the brain does not receive its due modicum, and therefore is unable to do its work properly.
**[[Charles Webster Leadbeater]] in ''Dreams: What They Are and How They Are Caused'' (1898)

* Anyone who claims that the brain is a total mystery should be slapped upside the head with the MIT Encyclopedia of the Cognitive Sciences. All one thousand ninety-six pages of it.
** [http://lesswrong.com/lw/mw/rationality_quotes_2/ Tom McCabe].

* My brain? It's my second favorite organ!
** Miles Monroe, in ''[[Sleeper (1973 film)|Sleeper]]'' (1973) Directed by [[Woody Allen]] Written by Woody Allen and [[w:Marshall Brickman|Marshall Brickman]].

* If we don't have good models to study the [[human]] brain, the potential for being able to address so much human [[suffering]], [[disease]], things that are very difficult to model in [[animals]], we'll never reach.
** Alysson Muotri  as qtd. in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], by Jon Hamilton, ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

* If the human brain were so simple that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
** [[Emerson W. Pugh]], As quoted from George Edgin Pugh, ''The Biological Origin of Human Values'' (1977) , Basic Books, New York, ch. 7, p. 154.

* The brain is a mystery; it has been and still will be. How does the brain produce thoughts? That is the central question and we have still no answer to it.
** [[Charles Scott Sherrington]], as quoted in the article ''The Human Brain—Three Pounds of Mystery'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|''The Watchtower'']]'' magazine (15 July 1978).

* '''A hidden spark of the dream sleeps in the forest and waits in the celestial spheres of the brain.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''Circling,'' ”In Search of Spark,” Sequence: “A Warden with No Keys” (1993)

* Because our minds need to reduce information, we are more likely to try to squeeze a phenomenon into the [[w:Procrustes|Procrustean]] bed of a crisp and known category (amputating the unknown), rather than suspend categorization, and make it tangible. Thanks to our detections of false patterns, along with real ones, what is random will appear less random and more certain—our overactive brains are more likely to impose the wrong, simplistic, narrative than no narrative at all. 
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Postface, p. 105.

* '''I was taught that the [[human]] [[brain]] was the crowning [[glory]] of [[evolution]] so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for [[survival]].'''
** [[Kurt Vonnegut]], As quoted in ''The Observer'' [London] (27 December 1987).

* The brain, is the most complex thing we have yet discovered in our universe.
** [[James D. Watson]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102007442?q=James+Watson&amp;p=par Watchtower Online Library].

* People who had damage to the right cerebral hemisphere were unable to recognise simple patterns, or enjoy music, but  they could still speak normally. People with [[Brain|left-brain]] damage were able to recognise patterns, but their speech was impaired. Obviously, then, the left deals with language, and you would expect a split-brain patient to be unable to read with his right eye (connected, remeber, to the opposite side of the brain). [[Roger Wolcott Sperry|Sperry's]] patient was also unable to write anything meaningful (i.e., complicated) with his left hand. They noticed another oddity. if the patient bumped into something with his left side, he did not notice. And the implications were very odd indeed. Not only did the split-brain operation give the patient ''two separate minds''; it also seemed to restrict his identity, or ego, to the left side. When they placed an object in his left hand, and asked him what he was holding, he had no idea. Further experiments underlined the point. If a split-brain patient is shown two different symbols -- say a circle and a square -- with each eye, and is asked to say what he has just seen, he replies, 'A square'. Asked to draw with his left hand what he has seen, and he draws a circle. Asked what he has just drawn, he replies: 'A square'. And when one split-brain patient was shown a picture of a nude male with the right-brain, she blushed; asked why she was blushing, she replied truthfully: 'I don't know'. The implications are clearly staggering. The person you call 'you' lives in the left side of your brain. And a few centimeters away there is another person, a completely independent identity. Where language is concerned, this other person is almost an imbecile. In other respects, he is more competent than the inhabitant of the left-brain; for example, he can make a far more accurate perspective drawing of a house. In effect. the left-brain person is a scientist, the right-brain an artist.
**[[Colin Wilson]] in ''Frankenstein's Castle'', p. 20-21 (1980)

*&quot;How can one fix the brain when it is the device we use to seek the solution?&quot;-Dr. Jimmy Freud-Jung

== See also ==

* [[Mind]]
* [[Neuron]]
* [[Neuroscience]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}
{{commonscat}}

[[Category:Anatomy]]
[[Category:Mind]]</text>
      <sha1>pesl5wja8094wmvp710fb42r0s7eij6</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150496</id>
      <parentid>3150495</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:32:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.95.23.160</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10728" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brain 090407.jpg|thumb|If the [[human]] brain were so [[simple]] that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. ~ Emerson M. Pugh]]
The '''[[w:brain|brain]]''' is an [[w:organ (anatomy)|organ]] that serves as the center of the [[w:nervous system|nervous system]] in all [[w:vertebrate|vertebrate]] and most [[w:invertebrate|invertebrate]] animals—only a few invertebrates such as [[w:sponge|sponge]]s, [[w:cnidaria|jellyfish]], adult [[w:tunicate|sea squirts]] and [[w:echinoderm|starfish]] do not have a brain, even if diffuse [[w:neural tissue|neural tissue]] is present. It is located in the head, usually close to the primary sensory organs for such [[w:sense|sense]]s as [[w:Visual perception|vision]], [[w:hearing|hearing]], [[w:Balance (ability)|balance]], [[w:taste|taste]], and [[w:Olfaction|smell]].

{{Sci-stub}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Paul Erdos with Terence Tao.jpg|thumb|My brain is open! ~ [[Paul Erdős]] ]]
*BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

*My brain is a piggybank. Drop your coins and feel happy because you’re contributing to my [[economy]]. Fundraiser, you are raising the funds to kill my soul every day a little more.
** [[Giannina Braschi]] in the Postcolonial novel ''United States of Banana'' (2011)

* We do have an organ for understanding and recognizing moral facts. It is called the brain.
** [[Paul Churchland]], in ''A Neurocomputational Perspective'' (1989).

* Do we ''trivialize'' a sublime feeling if we appreciate its dependence on the brain? Not in the least. Its significance does not depend on its being a soul state or a brain state...Humility bids us to take ourselves as we are; we do not have to be cosmically significant to be genuinely significant.
** [[Patricia Churchland]], in ''Brain-Wise'' (2002).

* [[Aristotle]] taught that the brain exists merely to cool the [[blood]] and is not involved in the process of [[thinking]]. This is true only of certain persons.
** [[Will Cuppy]], ''The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody'', 1950.

* It is an article of passionate [[faith]] among '[[politically correct]]' biologists and anthropologists that brain size has no connection with [[intelligence]]; that intelligence has nothing to do with [[genes]]; and that genes are probably nasty [[fascist]] things anyway.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], in ''The Economist'', Vol. 328 (1993).

* You have a brain, my friend; but I have a heart. 
** [[Laxmi Prasad Devkota]], ''Lunatic''

* '''My brain is open!'''
** [[Paul Erdős]], in a standard greeting he would make when he was not contemplating some mathematical problem, as quoted in ''My Brain Is Open : The Mathematical Journeys of Paul Erdos'' (1998) by Bruce Schechter, p. 10.

* In the Arena of Brains no more salutary thing can befall a man than to meet his match. The discipline is stern, but not of the most adamant.
** [[w:Norman Gale|Norman Gale]], ''A June Romance'' (Rugby: George E. Over, 1894), p. 66

* By the time a [[w:Fetus|fetus]] is 6 months old, it is producing electrical signals recognizable as [[w:Brain waves|brain waves]]. &lt;br&gt; And clusters of lab-grown human brain cells known as organoids seem to follow a similar schedule, researchers reported Thursday in the journal ''Cell Stem Cell''. &lt;br&gt; &quot;After these organoids are in that six-to-nine-months range, that's when [the electrical patterns] start to look a lot like what you'd see with a preterm [[w:Infant|infant]],&quot; says Alysson Muotri, director of the stem cell program at the [[w:University of California|University of California]], [[w:San Diego|San Diego]].
** Jon Hamilton, quoting Alysson Muotri in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

*If... too much blood is supplied to the brain, congestion of the vessels takes place, and irregularity in its action is at once produced; if too little, the brain (and, therefore, the nervous system) becomes first irritable and then lethargic. The quality of the blood supplied is also of great importance. As it courses through the body it has two principal functions to perform — to supply oxygen and to provide nutrition to the different organs of the body; and if it be unable adequately to fulfill either of these functions, a certain disorganization will follow. If the supply of oxygen to the brain be deficient, it becomes overcharged with carbon dioxide, and heaviness and lethargy very shortly supervene. A common example of this is the feeling of dullness and sleepiness which frequently overtakes one in a crowded and ill-ventilated room; owing to the exhaustion of the oxygen in the room by the continued respiration of so large a number of people, the brain does not receive its due modicum, and therefore is unable to do its work properly.
**[[Charles Webster Leadbeater]] in ''Dreams: What They Are and How They Are Caused'' (1898)

* Anyone who claims that the brain is a total mystery should be slapped upside the head with the MIT Encyclopedia of the Cognitive Sciences. All one thousand ninety-six pages of it.
** [http://lesswrong.com/lw/mw/rationality_quotes_2/ Tom McCabe].

* My brain? It's my second favorite organ!
** Miles Monroe, in ''[[Sleeper (1973 film)|Sleeper]]'' (1973) Directed by [[Woody Allen]] Written by Woody Allen and [[w:Marshall Brickman|Marshall Brickman]].

* If we don't have good models to study the [[human]] brain, the potential for being able to address so much human [[suffering]], [[disease]], things that are very difficult to model in [[animals]], we'll never reach.
** Alysson Muotri  as qtd. in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], by Jon Hamilton, ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

* If the human brain were so simple that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
** [[Emerson W. Pugh]], As quoted from George Edgin Pugh, ''The Biological Origin of Human Values'' (1977) , Basic Books, New York, ch. 7, p. 154.

* The brain is a mystery; it has been and still will be. How does the brain produce thoughts? That is the central question and we have still no answer to it.
** [[Charles Scott Sherrington]], as quoted in the article ''The Human Brain—Three Pounds of Mystery'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|''The Watchtower'']]'' magazine (15 July 1978).

* '''A hidden spark of the dream sleeps in the forest and waits in the celestial spheres of the brain.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''Circling,'' ”In Search of Spark,” Sequence: “A Warden with No Keys” (1993)

* Because our minds need to reduce information, we are more likely to try to squeeze a phenomenon into the [[w:Procrustes|Procrustean]] bed of a crisp and known category (amputating the unknown), rather than suspend categorization, and make it tangible. Thanks to our detections of false patterns, along with real ones, what is random will appear less random and more certain—our overactive brains are more likely to impose the wrong, simplistic, narrative than no narrative at all. 
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Postface, p. 105.

* '''I was taught that the [[human]] [[brain]] was the crowning [[glory]] of [[evolution]] so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for [[survival]].'''
** [[Kurt Vonnegut]], As quoted in ''The Observer'' [London] (27 December 1987).

* The brain, is the most complex thing we have yet discovered in our universe.
** [[James D. Watson]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102007442?q=James+Watson&amp;p=par Watchtower Online Library].

* People who had damage to the right cerebral hemisphere were unable to recognise simple patterns, or enjoy music, but  they could still speak normally. People with [[Brain|left-brain]] damage were able to recognise patterns, but their speech was impaired. Obviously, then, the left deals with language, and you would expect a split-brain patient to be unable to read with his right eye (connected, remeber, to the opposite side of the brain). [[Roger Wolcott Sperry|Sperry's]] patient was also unable to write anything meaningful (i.e., complicated) with his left hand. They noticed another oddity. if the patient bumped into something with his left side, he did not notice. And the implications were very odd indeed. Not only did the split-brain operation give the patient ''two separate minds''; it also seemed to restrict his identity, or ego, to the left side. When they placed an object in his left hand, and asked him what he was holding, he had no idea. Further experiments underlined the point. If a split-brain patient is shown two different symbols -- say a circle and a square -- with each eye, and is asked to say what he has just seen, he replies, 'A square'. Asked to draw with his left hand what he has seen, and he draws a circle. Asked what he has just drawn, he replies: 'A square'. And when one split-brain patient was shown a picture of a nude male with the right-brain, she blushed; asked why she was blushing, she replied truthfully: 'I don't know'. The implications are clearly staggering. The person you call 'you' lives in the left side of your brain. And a few centimeters away there is another person, a completely independent identity. Where language is concerned, this other person is almost an imbecile. In other respects, he is more competent than the inhabitant of the left-brain; for example, he can make a far more accurate perspective drawing of a house. In effect. the left-brain person is a scientist, the right-brain an artist.
**[[Colin Wilson]] in ''Frankenstein's Castle'', p. 20-21 (1980)

*&quot;How can one fix the brain when it is the device we use to seek the solution?&quot; ::-Dr. Jimmy Freud-Jung

== See also ==

* [[Mind]]
* [[Neuron]]
* [[Neuroscience]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}
{{commonscat}}

[[Category:Anatomy]]
[[Category:Mind]]</text>
      <sha1>l1dvh43egavav11zk88r7mftfgw40o6</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150497</id>
      <parentid>3150496</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:32:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10729" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Brain 090407.jpg|thumb|If the [[human]] brain were so [[simple]] that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. ~ Emerson M. Pugh]]
The '''[[w:brain|brain]]''' is an [[w:organ (anatomy)|organ]] that serves as the center of the [[w:nervous system|nervous system]] in all [[w:vertebrate|vertebrate]] and most [[w:invertebrate|invertebrate]] animals—only a few invertebrates such as [[w:sponge|sponge]]s, [[w:cnidaria|jellyfish]], adult [[w:tunicate|sea squirts]] and [[w:echinoderm|starfish]] do not have a brain, even if diffuse [[w:neural tissue|neural tissue]] is present. It is located in the head, usually close to the primary sensory organs for such [[w:sense|sense]]s as [[w:Visual perception|vision]], [[w:hearing|hearing]], [[w:Balance (ability)|balance]], [[w:taste|taste]], and [[w:Olfaction|smell]].

{{Sci-stub}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Paul Erdos with Terence Tao.jpg|thumb|My brain is open! ~ [[Paul Erdős]] ]]
*BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

*My brain is a piggybank. Drop your coins and feel happy because you’re contributing to my [[economy]]. Fundraiser, you are raising the funds to kill my soul every day a little more.
** [[Giannina Braschi]] in the Postcolonial novel ''United States of Banana'' (2011)

* We do have an organ for understanding and recognizing moral facts. It is called the brain.
** [[Paul Churchland]], in ''A Neurocomputational Perspective'' (1989).

* Do we ''trivialize'' a sublime feeling if we appreciate its dependence on the brain? Not in the least. Its significance does not depend on its being a soul state or a brain state...Humility bids us to take ourselves as we are; we do not have to be cosmically significant to be genuinely significant.
** [[Patricia Churchland]], in ''Brain-Wise'' (2002).

* [[Aristotle]] taught that the brain exists merely to cool the [[blood]] and is not involved in the process of [[thinking]]. This is true only of certain persons.
** [[Will Cuppy]], ''The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody'', 1950.

* It is an article of passionate [[faith]] among '[[politically correct]]' biologists and anthropologists that brain size has no connection with [[intelligence]]; that intelligence has nothing to do with [[genes]]; and that genes are probably nasty [[fascist]] things anyway.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], in ''The Economist'', Vol. 328 (1993).

* You have a brain, my friend; but I have a heart. 
** [[Laxmi Prasad Devkota]], ''Lunatic''

* '''My brain is open!'''
** [[Paul Erdős]], in a standard greeting he would make when he was not contemplating some mathematical problem, as quoted in ''My Brain Is Open : The Mathematical Journeys of Paul Erdos'' (1998) by Bruce Schechter, p. 10.

* In the Arena of Brains no more salutary thing can befall a man than to meet his match. The discipline is stern, but not of the most adamant.
** [[w:Norman Gale|Norman Gale]], ''A June Romance'' (Rugby: George E. Over, 1894), p. 66

* By the time a [[w:Fetus|fetus]] is 6 months old, it is producing electrical signals recognizable as [[w:Brain waves|brain waves]]. &lt;br&gt; And clusters of lab-grown human brain cells known as organoids seem to follow a similar schedule, researchers reported Thursday in the journal ''Cell Stem Cell''. &lt;br&gt; &quot;After these organoids are in that six-to-nine-months range, that's when [the electrical patterns] start to look a lot like what you'd see with a preterm [[w:Infant|infant]],&quot; says Alysson Muotri, director of the stem cell program at the [[w:University of California|University of California]], [[w:San Diego|San Diego]].
** Jon Hamilton, quoting Alysson Muotri in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

*If... too much blood is supplied to the brain, congestion of the vessels takes place, and irregularity in its action is at once produced; if too little, the brain (and, therefore, the nervous system) becomes first irritable and then lethargic. The quality of the blood supplied is also of great importance. As it courses through the body it has two principal functions to perform — to supply oxygen and to provide nutrition to the different organs of the body; and if it be unable adequately to fulfill either of these functions, a certain disorganization will follow. If the supply of oxygen to the brain be deficient, it becomes overcharged with carbon dioxide, and heaviness and lethargy very shortly supervene. A common example of this is the feeling of dullness and sleepiness which frequently overtakes one in a crowded and ill-ventilated room; owing to the exhaustion of the oxygen in the room by the continued respiration of so large a number of people, the brain does not receive its due modicum, and therefore is unable to do its work properly.
**[[Charles Webster Leadbeater]] in ''Dreams: What They Are and How They Are Caused'' (1898)

* Anyone who claims that the brain is a total mystery should be slapped upside the head with the MIT Encyclopedia of the Cognitive Sciences. All one thousand ninety-six pages of it.
** [http://lesswrong.com/lw/mw/rationality_quotes_2/ Tom McCabe].

* My brain? It's my second favorite organ!
** Miles Monroe, in ''[[Sleeper (1973 film)|Sleeper]]'' (1973) Directed by [[Woody Allen]] Written by Woody Allen and [[w:Marshall Brickman|Marshall Brickman]].

* If we don't have good models to study the [[human]] brain, the potential for being able to address so much human [[suffering]], [[disease]], things that are very difficult to model in [[animals]], we'll never reach.
** Alysson Muotri  as qtd. in [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/29/755410121/after-months-in-a-dish-lab-grown-minibrains-start-making-brain-waves “After Months In A Dish, Lab-Grown Minibrains Start Making 'Brain Waves'”], by Jon Hamilton, ''Shots Health News From NPR'', (August 29, 2019).

* If the human brain were so simple that we could [[understand]] it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
** [[Emerson W. Pugh]], As quoted from George Edgin Pugh, ''The Biological Origin of Human Values'' (1977) , Basic Books, New York, ch. 7, p. 154.

* The brain is a mystery; it has been and still will be. How does the brain produce thoughts? That is the central question and we have still no answer to it.
** [[Charles Scott Sherrington]], as quoted in the article ''The Human Brain—Three Pounds of Mystery'', in ''[[w:The Watchtower|''The Watchtower'']]'' magazine (15 July 1978).

* '''A hidden spark of the dream sleeps in the forest and waits in the celestial spheres of the brain.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''Circling,'' ”In Search of Spark,” Sequence: “A Warden with No Keys” (1993)

* Because our minds need to reduce information, we are more likely to try to squeeze a phenomenon into the [[w:Procrustes|Procrustean]] bed of a crisp and known category (amputating the unknown), rather than suspend categorization, and make it tangible. Thanks to our detections of false patterns, along with real ones, what is random will appear less random and more certain—our overactive brains are more likely to impose the wrong, simplistic, narrative than no narrative at all. 
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) Postface, p. 105.

* '''I was taught that the [[human]] [[brain]] was the crowning [[glory]] of [[evolution]] so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for [[survival]].'''
** [[Kurt Vonnegut]], As quoted in ''The Observer'' [London] (27 December 1987).

* The brain, is the most complex thing we have yet discovered in our universe.
** [[James D. Watson]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102007442?q=James+Watson&amp;p=par Watchtower Online Library].

* People who had damage to the right cerebral hemisphere were unable to recognise simple patterns, or enjoy music, but  they could still speak normally. People with [[Brain|left-brain]] damage were able to recognise patterns, but their speech was impaired. Obviously, then, the left deals with language, and you would expect a split-brain patient to be unable to read with his right eye (connected, remeber, to the opposite side of the brain). [[Roger Wolcott Sperry|Sperry's]] patient was also unable to write anything meaningful (i.e., complicated) with his left hand. They noticed another oddity. if the patient bumped into something with his left side, he did not notice. And the implications were very odd indeed. Not only did the split-brain operation give the patient ''two separate minds''; it also seemed to restrict his identity, or ego, to the left side. When they placed an object in his left hand, and asked him what he was holding, he had no idea. Further experiments underlined the point. If a split-brain patient is shown two different symbols -- say a circle and a square -- with each eye, and is asked to say what he has just seen, he replies, 'A square'. Asked to draw with his left hand what he has seen, and he draws a circle. Asked what he has just drawn, he replies: 'A square'. And when one split-brain patient was shown a picture of a nude male with the right-brain, she blushed; asked why she was blushing, she replied truthfully: 'I don't know'. The implications are clearly staggering. The person you call 'you' lives in the left side of your brain. And a few centimeters away there is another person, a completely independent identity. Where language is concerned, this other person is almost an imbecile. In other respects, he is more competent than the inhabitant of the left-brain; for example, he can make a far more accurate perspective drawing of a house. In effect. the left-brain person is a scientist, the right-brain an artist.
**[[Colin Wilson]] in ''Frankenstein's Castle'', p. 20-21 (1980)

*&quot;How can one fix the brain when it is the device we use to seek the solution?&quot; 
**-Dr. Jimmy Freud-Jung

== See also ==

* [[Mind]]
* [[Neuron]]
* [[Neuroscience]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary}}
{{commonscat}}

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      <text bytes="19924" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Bishop Fulton J. Sheen 1956.JPG]]
[[File:Empyrean Light.jpg|thumb|If [[all]] things in this [[universe]] exist, it is because they participate in the Being of [[God]]...]]
'''[[w:Fulton J. Sheen|Archbishop Fulton John Sheen]]''' ([[8 May]] [[1895]] – [[9 December]] [[1979]]), born '''Peter John Sheen''', was television's first preacher of note, in the early 1950s on the DuMont Television Network, and later on ABC, He is venerated in the Catholic Church, having been declared Venerable Servant of God by [[Pope Francis]] on June 28 2012. His feast day is celebrated every year on December 9.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Cristo Redentor viewed from the base.jpg|thumb|If there are some things with [[life]], it is because they are reflections of the life of [[God]]; if there are beings endowed with [[intellect]] and [[will]] — like [[Humans|men]] and [[angels]] — it's because they are a participation of the Sovereign Intellect which is God.]]
[[File:St.Patrick's Cathedral NYC6.jpg|thumb|Too many [[people]] get credit for being [[good]], when they are only being passive.]]
[[File:Angel statue.jpg|thumb|One function of the [[angels]] is illumination, and the other function is that of being a guardian.]]
[[File:Andel krizaci.jpg|thumb|There are [[angels]] near you to guide you and protect you, if you would but invoke them. It is not later than we think, it is a bigger [[world]] than we think.]]

* '''If there is continuity in the [[universe]], it is fitting that there should be [[intelligent]] beings without bodies which are called [[angels]].'''
** ''God and Intelligence in Modern Philosophy'' (1925). p. 86

* '''If all things in this universe [[exist]], it is because they participate in the Being of [[God]], if there are some things with [[life]], it is because they are reflections of the life of God; if there are beings endowed with intellect and will — like men and angels — it's because they are a participation of the Sovereign Intellect which is God.'''
** ''Religion Without God'' (1928). p. 90

* America, it is said, is suffering from intolerance — it is not. It is suffering from tolerance. Tolerance of right and wrong, truth and error, virtue and evil, Christ and chaos. Our country is not nearly so overrun with the bigoted as it is overrun with the broadminded.
** &quot;A Plea For Intolerance&quot; (1931)

* Tolerance is an attitude of reasoned patience toward evil … a forbearance that restrains us from showing anger or inflicting punishment. Tolerance applies only to persons … never to truth.
** &quot;A Plea For Intolerance&quot; (1931)

*'''Since a week ago last Saturday, we can no longer expect them to defend the [[Divine law|law of God]]'''. These [[Protestantism|sects]] will work out the very logic of their ways, and in 50 or 100 years there will be only the [[Catholic Church]] and [[paganism]]. We will be left to fight the battle alone, and we will.&quot;
**Quoted in The ''[[w:Birth Control Review|Birth Control Review]]'', May 1931, volume XV, no. 5., pp. 143-144. Reaction to the report of the [[w:Federal Council of Churches|Federal Council of Churches]] in America  which, in March 1931, &quot;endorsed 'the careful and restrained use of [[Birth control|contraceptives]] by married people,' while at the same time conceding that 'serious evils, such as extramarital sex relations, may be increased by general knowledge of contraceptives.'&quot; [http://lifedynamics.com/app/uploads/2015/09/1931-05-May.pdf][https://www.google.com/search?q=Church+and+paganism.+We+will+be+left+to+fight+the+battle+alone%2C+and+we+will&amp;ie=utf-8&amp;oe=utf-8&amp;aq=t&amp;rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&amp;client=firefox-a&amp;channel=rcs#channel=rcs&amp;tbm=bks&amp;q=%22Since+a+week+ago+last+Saturday%2C+we+can+no+longer+expect+them+to+defend%22+]

* There are not a hundred people in America who hate the Catholic Church. There are millions of people who hate what they wrongly believe to be the Catholic Church — which is, of course, quite a different thing.
** Foreword to ''Radio Replies'' Vol. 1,  (1938) page ix

* The ''principle'' of democracy is a recognition of the sovereign, inalienable rights of man as a gift from God, the Source of law.
** ''Whence Come Wars'' (1940), p. 60

* '''All our anxieties relate to time.''' … The major problems of psychiatry revolve around an analysis of the despair, pessimism, melancholy, and complexes that are the inheritances of what has been or with the fears, anxieties, worries, that are the imaginings of what will be.
** &quot;Sanctifying the Moment&quot; in ''Lift Up Your Heart'' (1950)

*No one can understand [[Communism]] who does not believe in the [[devil]]. The Communists believe in the devil. The Communists organized a so-called &quot;patriotic&quot; church. A few brain washed were to be in charge of the churches because they were loyal to the anti-God regime. &lt;br&gt;One of the first orders given by the Communists to them was that the prayer to [[w:Prayer to Saint Michael|Prayer to Saint Michael]] be no longer said because it invoked the protection of St. Michael against &quot;the wickedness and snares of the devil.&quot; As one Communist judge said: &quot;We are those devils.&quot; &lt;br&gt;It is hard for many in the [[w:Free World|free world]] to believe that there are not only bad men, but evil men. Bad men steal, rape, ravage and plunder. '''Evil men may not always do these things, but they seek to destroy goodness, virtue, morality, decency, truth and honor'''. Bad men who steal admit honesty; evil men who do not steal, call dishonesty &quot;honesty,&quot; totalitarianism &quot;democracy,&quot; slavery &quot;freedom.&quot; Evil men can be nice at table, polite with women, courteous in Washington, refined in London and calm in Geneva. &lt;br&gt;But the principle which guides their every move is the maxim of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]]: every lie, trickery, knavery and deceit must be used to.
** &quot;Bishop Sheen Writes...Communism and Tragedy,&quot; ''[[w:The Blade (Toledo)|The Toledo Blade]]'', Sunday, July 26, 1959, sec. 2, p. 5. [https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=%22communists%20believe%20in%20the%20devil%22%20site:news.google.com/newspapers&amp;source=newspapers&amp;gws_rd=ssl#hl=en&amp;q=%22Bishop+Sheen+Writes...+Communism+And+Tragedy%22+]

* '''The only argument the world will listen to now is the argument of personal holiness. It has heard all the rest and rejected them.'''
** ''Retreat to Priests'', Washington, D.C., p. 19, quoted in Bernard Hayes, C.R., ''To Live as Jesus Did'' (Locust Valley, N.Y.: Living Flame Press, 1981), p. 108. There is no book by Sheen with the title ''Retreat to Priests''. Hayes is presumably quoting from a transcription of Sheen's 1974 retreat for priests of the Washington diocese. This was recorded on [[w:reel-to-reel tape|reel-to-reel tape]] and later issued in nine 60-minute tapes under the title ''Renewal and Reconciliation''.

* '''Some will not look on suffering because it creates responsibility.'''
** ''Those Mysterious Priests'' (1974), p. 66

* '''Too many people get credit for being good, when they are only being passive.''' They are too often praised for being broadminded when they are so broadminded they can never make up their minds about anything.
** As quoted in ''Seven Words to the Cross'' (1979) by Ellsworth Kalas, page 93

* All my sermons are prepared in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. As recreation is most pleasant and profitable in the sun, so homiletic creativity is best nourished before the Eucharist. The most brilliant ideas come from meeting God face to face. The Holy Spirit that presided at the Incarnation is the best atmosphere for illumination. Pope [[John Paul II]] keeps a small desk or writing pad near him whenever he is in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament; and I have done this all my life — I am sure for the same reason he does, because a lover always works better when the beloved is with him.
** ''Treasure in Clay : The Autobiography of Fulton J. Sheen'' (1980)

* When the record of any human life is set down, there are three pairs of eyes who see it in a different light. There is the life as I see it. as others see it, and as God sees it.
** ''Treasure in Clay: the Autobiography of Fulton J. Sheen'', (New York, NY: Image Books/Doubleday, 1980)

*Another instance of how our Lord associated Peter with himself was in the payment of the temple tax. It is the only time in scripture where God ever associates a human being with himself under the personal pronoun we.... Now at the time of the payment of the temple tax our blessed Lord told Peter to pay it, and he said to pay it [http://www.biblestudytools.net/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?word=mt+17:27&amp;version=kjv&amp;st=1&amp;sd=1&amp;new=1&amp;showtools=1 '''“for me and thee.”'''] Then he adds, &quot;that we may not scandalize.&quot; Here he makes himself one with Peter. Peter is associated with the Master in a way that no one else can ever be associated. We — Christ and Peter. That is why [[w:papal encyclicals|papal encyclicals]] begin with the word ''we''.
** ''Through the Year with Fulton Sheen'' (1985, 2003), compiled by Henry Dieterich, Selection for August 1st: ''When God said &quot;we&quot;'', p. 143 &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0898708737}} {{ISBN|978-0898708738 }}&lt;/small&gt; [http://books.google.com/books?id=gEuakFdoPnUC&amp;pg=PA143&amp;lpg=PA143&amp;dq=%22Another+instance+of+how+our+Lord+associated+Peter+with+himself+%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=hv4yXhf20M&amp;sig=Sg25Yzt2DDrh-lib98d_tv8ddXw&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=5vwfTPXGLOm1nAei27XnAw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=3&amp;ved=0CB0Q6AEwAg#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Another%20instance%20of%20how%20our%20Lord%20associated%20Peter%20with%20himself%20%22&amp;f=false]

*We live in a sensate age. We are no longer governed by Faith, we are no longer governed by reason. We are governed by feelings.

=== ''The Armor of God'' (1943) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: P.J. Kennedy &amp; Sons, 1943&lt;/small&gt;

* Atheism is not a doctrine; it is a cry of wrath.
** Ch. 1, p. 2

* Before you deny God, ask yourself why you deny Him. Is it because of the way you live? A poem of Arthur Hugh Clough satirized those who wish there was no God because He interferes with their dishonesty, their lawlessness, or their license.
** Ch. 1, p. 2

* No man has need of religion who is self-righteous, who is all he wants to be and all he ought to be.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* Hitler had no need of God: in his own conceit, he was a god.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* The man who has never made a mistake has no need of an eraser; just so the man who has never done anything wrong has no need of a Redeemer.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* If there is no difference between right and wrong, how can Hitler be wrong and how can we be right? Why are we at war, if it is not because right is more precious than life?
** Ch. 1, p. 5

* It makes no difference whether you have any rules in football; it depends upon how you play. It makes no difference whether you believe triangles have three sides; it depends on how you draw. Can we not see that if we believe wrongly, we will act wrongly?
** Ch. 1, p. 5

* The trouble with Hitler and other tyrants is that they practice what they preach. Because their doctrines are wrong, their deeds are wrong. Because Nazism as a creed is wrong, its workings are wicked.
** Ch. 1, p. 5-6

=== ''Peace of Soul'' (1949) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Whittlesey House, 1949&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Unless souls are saved, nothing is saved; there can be no world peace unless there is soul peace. World wars are only projections of the conflicts waged inside the souls of men and women, for nothing happens in the external world that has not first happened within a soul.'''
** Ch. 1, p. 1 (the opening paragraph of the book)

* Christian theology is, in a certain sense, a psychology, since its primary interest is the soul, the most precious of things. Our Lord balanced a universe against a soul and found the soul worth more than gaining a world.
** Ch. 1, p. 7

* The modern man is no longer a [[unity]], but a confused bundle of complexes and nerves. He is so dissociated, so alienated from himself that he sees himself less as a personality than as a battlefield where a civil war rages between a thousand and one conflicting loyalties. There is no single overall [[purpose]] in his life. His soul is comparable to a menagerie in which a number of beasts, each seeking its own prey, turn one upon the other. Or he may be likened to a radio, that is tuned in to several stations; instead of getting any one clearly, it receives only an annoying static.&lt;p&gt;If the frustrated soul is educated, it has a smattering of uncorrected bits of information with no unifying philosophy. Then the frustrated soul may say to itself: &quot;I sometimes think there are two of me a living soul and a Ph. D.&quot; Such a man projects his own mental confusion to the outside world and concludes that, since he knows no truth, nobody can know it. His own skepticism (which he universalizes into a philosophy of life) throws him back more and more upon those powers lurking in the dark, dank caverns of his unconsciousness. He changes his philosophy as he changes his clothes. On Monday, he lays down the tracks of materialism; on Tuesday, he reads a best seller, pulls up the old tracks, and lays the new tracks of an idealist; on Wednesday, his new roadway is Communistic; on Thursday, the new rails of Liberalism are laid; on Friday, he-hears a broadcast and decides to travel on Freudian tracks: on Saturday, he takes a long drink to forget his railroading and, on Sunday, ponders why people are so foolish as to go to Church. '''Each day he has a new [[idol]], each week a new mood. His authority is public opinion: when that shifts, his frustrated soul shifts with it.'''
** Ch. 1, pp. 7–8

* The revolt of the modern child against his parents is a miniature of the revolt of the modern world against the memory of 1900 years of Christian culture and the great Hebrew, Grecian and Roman cultures which preceded them. Any respect for that tradition is called &quot;reactionary,&quot; with the result that the modern soul has developed a commentator mentality which judges yesterday by today, and today by tomorrow. Nothing is more tragic in an individual who once was wise than to lose his memory, and nothing is more tragic to a civilization than the loss of its tradition.
** Ch. 1, p. 9

* [N]o man hates God without first hating himself.
** Ch. 1, [http://books.google.com/books?id=ho40AAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22No+man+hates+God+without+first+hating+himself%22&amp;pg=PA11#v=onepage p. 11]

* Anxiety increases in direct ratio and proportion as man departs from God.
** Ch. 2, p. 19

* There are no plains in the spiritual life; we are either going uphill or coming down. Furthermore the pose of indifference is only intellectual. The will ''must'' choose. And even though an &quot;indifferent&quot; soul does not positively reject the infinite, the infinite rejects it.
** Ch. 2, p. 20

* All intense interest in luxury is a mark of inner poverty. The less grace there is in the soul, the more ornament must be on the body.
** Ch. 2, p. 24

* It is assumed by many reformers that the principal and major cause of unhappiness is economic insecurity, but this theory forgets that there are economic problems only because men have not solved the problems of their own souls. '''Economic disorder is a symptom of spiritual disorder.'''
** Ch. 2, p. 27

* There is not a single striving or pursuit or yearning of the human heart, even in the midst of the most sensual pleasures, that is not a dim grasping after the Infinite.
** Ch. 4, p. 53

* [T]here is a tremendous egotism and conceit in those popular articles and lectures entitled,&quot;My Idea of Religion,&quot; or &quot;My Idea of God.&quot; An individual religion can be as misleading and uninformed as an individual astronomy or an individual mathematics.
** Ch. 4, p. 59

* By professing no ideal in morality, these ''nice'' people can never be accused of not living up to their creed. This is the great advantage that they have over the Christians — whose creed is so lofty that they can often and truly be accused of failing to meet its demands.
** Ch. 5, p. 71

* We find only what we seek: nature has many secrets to give us, but she will not surrender them until we sit down patiently before her and obey her laws. Only by such submission do we receive.
** Ch. 5, p. 85

* In contrast to the pride of those who deny their guilt to escape self-criticism is the humility of God, who made a world which added not to His glory and then made man to criticize Him.
** Ch. 5, p. 85

* By denying any ultimate standard outside of self, one can escape all self-blame and go through life on a perpetual mission of face saving.
** Ch. 6, p. 103

* [H]e is of the [[w:intelligentsia|intelligentsia]] (which means he has been educated beyond his intelligence).
** Ch. 6, p. 105

* [P]eace of soul implies tranquillity of order, with material things ordered to the body, the body to the soul, the personality to neighbor and to God. Peace of mind is subjective tranquillity — a narrower thing. It requires great moral effort to attain peace of soul, but even those who are indifferent to right and wrong sometimes achieve peace of mind (which the Scriptures call &quot;false peace&quot;).
** Ch. 6, p. 112

* We justify want of faith by saying, &quot;I don't go to church, but I am better than those who do,&quot; as one might say, &quot;I don't pay taxes or serve the nation, but I am better than those who do.&quot;
** Ch. 6, p. 113

* The very good never believe themselves very good, because they are judging themselves by the Ideal.
** Ch. 6, p. 116

=== ''[[w:Life Is Worth Living|Life Is Worth Living]]'' (1951–1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Transcripts of many shows were later published as ''Life is Worth Living: First and Second Series'' (1999) &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Right is right if nobody is right, and wrong is wrong if everybody is wrong.'''
** Program 19

* Communism is the final logic of the dehumanization of man.
** Second Series, p. 122

* '''The danger today is in believing there are no sick people, there is only a sick society.'''
** Second Series, p. 186

* '''One function of the angels is illumination, and the other function is that of being a guardian.'''
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaa7I44gkgc Angels]

* You have a chance to move in far better society than the Joneses. Why worry about [[w:Keeping up with the Joneses|keeping up with the Joneses]]? Keep up with the Angels and you'll be far wiser and happier.
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3r701k2dx8 Angels]

* '''There are angels near you to guide you and protect you, if you would but invoke them.''' It is not later than we think, it is a bigger world than we think.
** Angels

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
** Though Sheen is quoted as saying this in ''Look'' magazine (14 December 1955) the earliest located declaration of this witticism was by [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] on 21 February 1936: &quot;I have heard an atheist defined as a man who had no invisible means of support.&quot;
{{Misattributed end}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.bishopsheen.com Fulton J. Sheen official website]
* [http://www.fultonsheen.com/Fulton-Sheen-MP3.cfm Fulton Sheen Talks on MP3]
* [http://www.archbishopsheencause.org/ Cause for Canonization of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen]
* [http://www.oldstarbooks.com/Authors/Sheen/SheenBook.htm Books by Fulton J. Sheen]
* [http://www.intermirifica.org/sheen.htm Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen—Author, Orator and Missionary], by [[w:John Hardon|John A. Hardon, S.J.]]
*[http://www.keepthefaith.org/default.aspx Archbishop Fulton Sheen : 200 talks given by Archbishop Fulton Sheen]
*[http://www.americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm ''Life Is Worth Living'' (audio archive)]
*[http://www.bishopsheen.excerptsofinri.com/ ''Life Is Worth Living'' (another audio archive)]


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      <text bytes="20086" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Fulton J. Sheen NYWTS.jpg|thumb|Fulton John Sheen (1952)]]
[[File:Empyrean Light.jpg|thumb|If [[all]] things in this [[universe]] exist, it is because they participate in the Being of [[God]]...]]

'''[[w:Fulton J. Sheen|Archbishop Fulton John Sheen]]''' ([[8 May]] [[1895]] – [[9 December]] [[1979]]), born '''Peter John Sheen''', was television's first preacher of note, in the early 1950s on the DuMont Television Network, and later on ABC, He is venerated in the Catholic Church, having been declared Venerable by Pope Francis, His feast day is celebrated every year on 9 December.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Cristo Redentor viewed from the base.jpg|thumb|If there are some things with [[life]], it is because they are reflections of the life of [[God]]; if there are beings endowed with [[intellect]] and [[will]] — like [[Humans|men]] and [[angels]] — it's because they are a participation of the Sovereign Intellect which is God.]]
[[File:St.Patrick's Cathedral NYC6.jpg|thumb|Too many [[people]] get credit for being [[good]], when they are only being passive.]]
[[File:Angel statue.jpg|thumb|One function of the [[angels]] is illumination, and the other function is that of being a guardian.]]
[[File:Andel krizaci.jpg|thumb|There are [[angels]] near you to guide you and protect you, if you would but invoke them. It is not later than we think, it is a bigger [[world]] than we think.]]

* '''If there is continuity in the [[universe]], it is fitting that there should be [[intelligent]] beings without bodies which are called [[angels]].'''
** ''God and Intelligence in Modern Philosophy'' (1925). p. 86

* '''If all things in this universe [[exist]], it is because they participate in the Being of [[God]], if there are some things with [[life]], it is because they are reflections of the life of God; if there are beings endowed with intellect and will — like men and angels — it's because they are a participation of the Sovereign Intellect which is God.'''
** ''Religion Without God'' (1928). p. 90

* America, it is said, is suffering from intolerance — it is not. It is suffering from tolerance. Tolerance of right and wrong, truth and error, virtue and evil, Christ and chaos. Our country is not nearly so overrun with the bigoted as it is overrun with the broadminded.
** &quot;A Plea For Intolerance&quot; (1931)

* Tolerance is an attitude of reasoned patience toward evil … a forbearance that restrains us from showing anger or inflicting punishment. Tolerance applies only to persons … never to truth.
** &quot;A Plea For Intolerance&quot; (1931)

*'''Since a week ago last Saturday, we can no longer expect them to defend the [[Divine law|law of God]]'''. These [[Protestantism|sects]] will work out the very logic of their ways, and in 50 or 100 years there will be only the [[Catholic Church]] and [[paganism]]. We will be left to fight the battle alone, and we will.&quot;
**Quoted in The ''[[w:Birth Control Review|Birth Control Review]]'', May 1931, volume XV, no. 5., pp. 143-144. Reaction to the report of the [[w:Federal Council of Churches|Federal Council of Churches]] in America  which, in March 1931, &quot;endorsed 'the careful and restrained use of [[Birth control|contraceptives]] by married people,' while at the same time conceding that 'serious evils, such as extramarital sex relations, may be increased by general knowledge of contraceptives.'&quot; [http://lifedynamics.com/app/uploads/2015/09/1931-05-May.pdf][https://www.google.com/search?q=Church+and+paganism.+We+will+be+left+to+fight+the+battle+alone%2C+and+we+will&amp;ie=utf-8&amp;oe=utf-8&amp;aq=t&amp;rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&amp;client=firefox-a&amp;channel=rcs#channel=rcs&amp;tbm=bks&amp;q=%22Since+a+week+ago+last+Saturday%2C+we+can+no+longer+expect+them+to+defend%22+]

* There are not a hundred people in America who hate the Catholic Church. There are millions of people who hate what they wrongly believe to be the Catholic Church — which is, of course, quite a different thing.
** Foreword to ''Radio Replies'' Vol. 1,  (1938) page ix

* The ''principle'' of democracy is a recognition of the sovereign, inalienable rights of man as a gift from God, the Source of law.
** ''Whence Come Wars'' (1940), p. 60

* '''All our anxieties relate to time.''' … The major problems of psychiatry revolve around an analysis of the despair, pessimism, melancholy, and complexes that are the inheritances of what has been or with the fears, anxieties, worries, that are the imaginings of what will be.
** &quot;Sanctifying the Moment&quot; in ''Lift Up Your Heart'' (1950)

*No one can understand [[Communism]] who does not believe in the [[devil]]. The Communists believe in the devil. The Communists organized a so-called &quot;patriotic&quot; church. A few brain washed were to be in charge of the churches because they were loyal to the anti-God regime. &lt;br&gt;One of the first orders given by the Communists to them was that the prayer to [[w:Prayer to Saint Michael|Prayer to Saint Michael]] be no longer said because it invoked the protection of St. Michael against &quot;the wickedness and snares of the devil.&quot; As one Communist judge said: &quot;We are those devils.&quot; &lt;br&gt;It is hard for many in the [[w:Free World|free world]] to believe that there are not only bad men, but evil men. Bad men steal, rape, ravage and plunder. '''Evil men may not always do these things, but they seek to destroy goodness, virtue, morality, decency, truth and honor'''. Bad men who steal admit honesty; evil men who do not steal, call dishonesty &quot;honesty,&quot; totalitarianism &quot;democracy,&quot; slavery &quot;freedom.&quot; Evil men can be nice at table, polite with women, courteous in Washington, refined in London and calm in Geneva. &lt;br&gt;But the principle which guides their every move is the maxim of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]]: every lie, trickery, knavery and deceit must be used to.
** &quot;Bishop Sheen Writes...Communism and Tragedy,&quot; ''[[w:The Blade (Toledo)|The Toledo Blade]]'', Sunday, July 26, 1959, sec. 2, p. 5. [https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=%22communists%20believe%20in%20the%20devil%22%20site:news.google.com/newspapers&amp;source=newspapers&amp;gws_rd=ssl#hl=en&amp;q=%22Bishop+Sheen+Writes...+Communism+And+Tragedy%22+]

* '''The only argument the world will listen to now is the argument of personal holiness. It has heard all the rest and rejected them.'''
** ''Retreat to Priests'', Washington, D.C., p. 19, quoted in Bernard Hayes, C.R., ''To Live as Jesus Did'' (Locust Valley, N.Y.: Living Flame Press, 1981), p. 108. There is no book by Sheen with the title ''Retreat to Priests''. Hayes is presumably quoting from a transcription of Sheen's 1974 retreat for priests of the Washington diocese. This was recorded on [[w:reel-to-reel tape|reel-to-reel tape]] and later issued in nine 60-minute tapes under the title ''Renewal and Reconciliation''.

* '''Some will not look on suffering because it creates responsibility.'''
** ''Those Mysterious Priests'' (1974), p. 66

* '''Too many people get credit for being good, when they are only being passive.''' They are too often praised for being broadminded when they are so broadminded they can never make up their minds about anything.
** As quoted in ''Seven Words to the Cross'' (1979) by Ellsworth Kalas, page 93

* All my sermons are prepared in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. As recreation is most pleasant and profitable in the sun, so homiletic creativity is best nourished before the Eucharist. The most brilliant ideas come from meeting God face to face. The Holy Spirit that presided at the Incarnation is the best atmosphere for illumination. Pope [[John Paul II]] keeps a small desk or writing pad near him whenever he is in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament; and I have done this all my life — I am sure for the same reason he does, because a lover always works better when the beloved is with him.
** ''Treasure in Clay : The Autobiography of Fulton J. Sheen'' (1980)

* When the record of any human life is set down, there are three pairs of eyes who see it in a different light. There is the life as I see it. as others see it, and as God sees it.
** ''Treasure in Clay: the Autobiography of Fulton J. Sheen'', (New York, NY: Image Books/Doubleday, 1980)

*Another instance of how our Lord associated Peter with himself was in the payment of the temple tax. It is the only time in scripture where God ever associates a human being with himself under the personal pronoun we.... Now at the time of the payment of the temple tax our blessed Lord told Peter to pay it, and he said to pay it [http://www.biblestudytools.net/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?word=mt+17:27&amp;version=kjv&amp;st=1&amp;sd=1&amp;new=1&amp;showtools=1 '''“for me and thee.”'''] Then he adds, &quot;that we may not scandalize.&quot; Here he makes himself one with Peter. Peter is associated with the Master in a way that no one else can ever be associated. We — Christ and Peter. That is why [[w:papal encyclicals|papal encyclicals]] begin with the word ''we''.
** ''Through the Year with Fulton Sheen'' (1985, 2003), compiled by Henry Dieterich, Selection for August 1st: ''When God said &quot;we&quot;'', p. 143 &lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0898708737}} {{ISBN|978-0898708738 }}&lt;/small&gt; [http://books.google.com/books?id=gEuakFdoPnUC&amp;pg=PA143&amp;lpg=PA143&amp;dq=%22Another+instance+of+how+our+Lord+associated+Peter+with+himself+%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=hv4yXhf20M&amp;sig=Sg25Yzt2DDrh-lib98d_tv8ddXw&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=5vwfTPXGLOm1nAei27XnAw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=3&amp;ved=0CB0Q6AEwAg#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Another%20instance%20of%20how%20our%20Lord%20associated%20Peter%20with%20himself%20%22&amp;f=false]

*We live in a sensate age. We are no longer governed by Faith, we are no longer governed by reason. We are governed by feelings.

=== ''The Armor of God'' (1943) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: P.J. Kennedy &amp; Sons, 1943&lt;/small&gt;

* Atheism is not a doctrine; it is a cry of wrath.
** Ch. 1, p. 2

* Before you deny God, ask yourself why you deny Him. Is it because of the way you live? A poem of Arthur Hugh Clough satirized those who wish there was no God because He interferes with their dishonesty, their lawlessness, or their license.
** Ch. 1, p. 2

* No man has need of religion who is self-righteous, who is all he wants to be and all he ought to be.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* Hitler had no need of God: in his own conceit, he was a god.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* The man who has never made a mistake has no need of an eraser; just so the man who has never done anything wrong has no need of a Redeemer.
** Ch. 1, p. 4

* If there is no difference between right and wrong, how can Hitler be wrong and how can we be right? Why are we at war, if it is not because right is more precious than life?
** Ch. 1, p. 5

* It makes no difference whether you have any rules in football; it depends upon how you play. It makes no difference whether you believe triangles have three sides; it depends on how you draw. Can we not see that if we believe wrongly, we will act wrongly?
** Ch. 1, p. 5

* The trouble with Hitler and other tyrants is that they practice what they preach. Because their doctrines are wrong, their deeds are wrong. Because Nazism as a creed is wrong, its workings are wicked.
** Ch. 1, p. 5-6

=== ''Peace of Soul'' (1949) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Whittlesey House, 1949&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Unless souls are saved, nothing is saved; there can be no world peace unless there is soul peace. World wars are only projections of the conflicts waged inside the souls of men and women, for nothing happens in the external world that has not first happened within a soul.'''
** Ch. 1, p. 1 (the opening paragraph of the book)

* Christian theology is, in a certain sense, a psychology, since its primary interest is the soul, the most precious of things. Our Lord balanced a universe against a soul and found the soul worth more than gaining a world.
** Ch. 1, p. 7

* The modern man is no longer a [[unity]], but a confused bundle of complexes and nerves. He is so dissociated, so alienated from himself that he sees himself less as a personality than as a battlefield where a civil war rages between a thousand and one conflicting loyalties. There is no single overall [[purpose]] in his life. His soul is comparable to a menagerie in which a number of beasts, each seeking its own prey, turn one upon the other. Or he may be likened to a radio, that is tuned in to several stations; instead of getting any one clearly, it receives only an annoying static.&lt;p&gt;If the frustrated soul is educated, it has a smattering of uncorrected bits of information with no unifying philosophy. Then the frustrated soul may say to itself: &quot;I sometimes think there are two of me a living soul and a Ph. D.&quot; Such a man projects his own mental confusion to the outside world and concludes that, since he knows no truth, nobody can know it. His own skepticism (which he universalizes into a philosophy of life) throws him back more and more upon those powers lurking in the dark, dank caverns of his unconsciousness. He changes his philosophy as he changes his clothes. On Monday, he lays down the tracks of materialism; on Tuesday, he reads a best seller, pulls up the old tracks, and lays the new tracks of an idealist; on Wednesday, his new roadway is Communistic; on Thursday, the new rails of Liberalism are laid; on Friday, he-hears a broadcast and decides to travel on Freudian tracks: on Saturday, he takes a long drink to forget his railroading and, on Sunday, ponders why people are so foolish as to go to Church. '''Each day he has a new [[idol]], each week a new mood. His authority is public opinion: when that shifts, his frustrated soul shifts with it.'''
** Ch. 1, pp. 7–8

* The revolt of the modern child against his parents is a miniature of the revolt of the modern world against the memory of 1900 years of Christian culture and the great Hebrew, Grecian and Roman cultures which preceded them. Any respect for that tradition is called &quot;reactionary,&quot; with the result that the modern soul has developed a commentator mentality which judges yesterday by today, and today by tomorrow. Nothing is more tragic in an individual who once was wise than to lose his memory, and nothing is more tragic to a civilization than the loss of its tradition.
** Ch. 1, p. 9

* [N]o man hates God without first hating himself.
** Ch. 1, [http://books.google.com/books?id=ho40AAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22No+man+hates+God+without+first+hating+himself%22&amp;pg=PA11#v=onepage p. 11]

* Anxiety increases in direct ratio and proportion as man departs from God.
** Ch. 2, p. 19

* There are no plains in the spiritual life; we are either going uphill or coming down. Furthermore the pose of indifference is only intellectual. The will ''must'' choose. And even though an &quot;indifferent&quot; soul does not positively reject the infinite, the infinite rejects it.
** Ch. 2, p. 20

* All intense interest in luxury is a mark of inner poverty. The less grace there is in the soul, the more ornament must be on the body.
** Ch. 2, p. 24

* It is assumed by many reformers that the principal and major cause of unhappiness is economic insecurity, but this theory forgets that there are economic problems only because men have not solved the problems of their own souls. '''Economic disorder is a symptom of spiritual disorder.'''
** Ch. 2, p. 27

* There is not a single striving or pursuit or yearning of the human heart, even in the midst of the most sensual pleasures, that is not a dim grasping after the Infinite.
** Ch. 4, p. 53

* [T]here is a tremendous egotism and conceit in those popular articles and lectures entitled,&quot;My Idea of Religion,&quot; or &quot;My Idea of God.&quot; An individual religion can be as misleading and uninformed as an individual astronomy or an individual mathematics.
** Ch. 4, p. 59

* By professing no ideal in morality, these ''nice'' people can never be accused of not living up to their creed. This is the great advantage that they have over the Christians — whose creed is so lofty that they can often and truly be accused of failing to meet its demands.
** Ch. 5, p. 71

* We find only what we seek: nature has many secrets to give us, but she will not surrender them until we sit down patiently before her and obey her laws. Only by such submission do we receive.
** Ch. 5, p. 85

* In contrast to the pride of those who deny their guilt to escape self-criticism is the humility of God, who made a world which added not to His glory and then made man to criticize Him.
** Ch. 5, p. 85

* By denying any ultimate standard outside of self, one can escape all self-blame and go through life on a perpetual mission of face saving.
** Ch. 6, p. 103

* [H]e is of the [[w:intelligentsia|intelligentsia]] (which means he has been educated beyond his intelligence).
** Ch. 6, p. 105

* [P]eace of soul implies tranquillity of order, with material things ordered to the body, the body to the soul, the personality to neighbor and to God. Peace of mind is subjective tranquillity — a narrower thing. It requires great moral effort to attain peace of soul, but even those who are indifferent to right and wrong sometimes achieve peace of mind (which the Scriptures call &quot;false peace&quot;).
** Ch. 6, p. 112

* We justify want of faith by saying, &quot;I don't go to church, but I am better than those who do,&quot; as one might say, &quot;I don't pay taxes or serve the nation, but I am better than those who do.&quot;
** Ch. 6, p. 113

* The very good never believe themselves very good, because they are judging themselves by the Ideal.
** Ch. 6, p. 116

=== ''[[w:Life Is Worth Living|Life Is Worth Living]]'' (1951–1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;Transcripts of many shows were later published as ''Life is Worth Living: First and Second Series'' (1999) &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Right is right if nobody is right, and wrong is wrong if everybody is wrong.'''
** Program 19

* Communism is the final logic of the dehumanization of man.
** Second Series, p. 122

* '''The danger today is in believing there are no sick people, there is only a sick society.'''
** Second Series, p. 186

* '''One function of the angels is illumination, and the other function is that of being a guardian.'''
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaa7I44gkgc Angels]

* You have a chance to move in far better society than the Joneses. Why worry about [[w:Keeping up with the Joneses|keeping up with the Joneses]]? Keep up with the Angels and you'll be far wiser and happier.
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3r701k2dx8 Angels]

* '''There are angels near you to guide you and protect you, if you would but invoke them.''' It is not later than we think, it is a bigger world than we think.
** Angels

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
* An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
** Though Sheen is quoted as saying this in ''Look'' magazine (14 December 1955) the earliest located declaration of this witticism was by [[John Buchan, 1st Baron Tweedsmuir]] on 21 February 1936: &quot;I have heard an atheist defined as a man who had no invisible means of support.&quot;
{{Misattributed end}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.bishopsheen.com Fulton J. Sheen official website]
* [http://www.fultonsheen.com/Fulton-Sheen-MP3.cfm Fulton Sheen Talks on MP3]
* [http://www.archbishopsheencause.org/ Cause for Canonization of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen]
* [http://www.oldstarbooks.com/Authors/Sheen/SheenBook.htm Books by Fulton J. Sheen]
* [http://www.intermirifica.org/sheen.htm Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen—Author, Orator and Missionary], by [[w:John Hardon|John A. Hardon, S.J.]]
*[http://www.keepthefaith.org/default.aspx Archbishop Fulton Sheen : 200 talks given by Archbishop Fulton Sheen]
*[http://www.americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm ''Life Is Worth Living'' (audio archive)]
*[http://www.bishopsheen.excerptsofinri.com/ ''Life Is Worth Living'' (another audio archive)]


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      <text bytes="257752" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
** {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
** ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed ‘a liberal George Wallace’ (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

* I do not buy the concept, popular in the ’[[1960s|60s]], which said, ‘We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.’ I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
** From {{citation| date=1975-09-13| title= An Interview With Joe Biden | author= Joe Farley |url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
** [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

* I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has. There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.&lt;p&gt;[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case. To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;&lt;p&gt;I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].&lt;p&gt;I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
** {{cite web
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748
|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden
|first=Joe
|last=Farley
|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record
|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-14 |title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism |author=Robert Mackey |periodical=The Intercept |url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
** Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-07-23 |title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular |author=Beth Baumann |periodical=Town Hall |url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}{{better source needed}}

* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn’t matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
** As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup '1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti'], by [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'', (27 April 2021)

* When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you’re doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them— money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is that &quot;if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.&quot;
* When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time. Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation |date=2019-05-20 |title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans’ Benefits |author=Walker Bragman |periodical=Paste Magazine |url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

* You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.
* But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
** To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-15 |title=Joe Biden’s Iraq problem |author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can’t imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden’s Record on Iraq War from [[w:FactCheck.org|FactCheck.org]] (February 5, 2003)]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart''] ({{#formatdate:2004-07-28}})

==== 2005 ====

* Mr. President, today, in his speech to the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] gave a vivid and, I believe, compelling description of the threat to America and to freedom from radical [[Islamic fundamentalism]]. He made, in my view, a powerful case for what is at stake for every American. Simply put, the radical fundamentalists seek to kill our citizens in great numbers, to disrupt our economy, and to reshape the international order. They would take the world backwards, replacing freedom with fear and hope with hatred. If they were to acquire a nuclear weapon, the threat they would pose to America would be literally existential. The President said it well. The President is right that we cannot and will not retreat. We will defend ourselves and defeat the enemies of freedom and progress.
** [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/R?r109:FLD001:S11190 (October 6, 2005)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-14 |title=Joe Biden says he does not view ‘abortion as a choice and a right’ in unearthed video |author=Clark Mindock |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-10 |title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN Politics |url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html
  | title = Biden Say What?
  | publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN
  | date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-22
}}

==== 2007 ====

* I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America’s leadership in the world and change our priorities. I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.&lt;br&gt;I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
** Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
** {{citation
  | url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/
  | title = Biden officially running for president
  | periodical = NBC News
  | date = 2007-01-31
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.
** Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html
  | title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards
  | publisher = The New York Observer
  | date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about. John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
** Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

* Yes.
** Response to [[w:Brian Williams|Brian Williams]]' question during the South Carolina Democratic primary debates, asking if he could reassure voters that Biden had the &quot;discipline [one] would need on the world stage&quot;.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18352397/page/7/
  | title = South Carolina Democratic debate transcript
  | publisher = MSNBC
  | date = [[April 26]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-23
}}

* '''Tim Russert:''' But, senator, we have a [[deficit]]. We have Social Security and Medicare looming. The number of people on Social Security and Medicare is now 40 million people. It's going to be 80 million in 15 years. Would you consider looking at those programs, age of eligibility—&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden:''' Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' —cost of living, put it all on the table?&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' The answer is absolutely. You have to. You know, it's— one of the things that my, you know, the political advisers say to me is, &quot;Whoa, don't touch that third—&quot; Look, the American people aren't stupid. It's a real simple proposition. [...] Social Security's not the hard one to solve. ''Medicare'', that is the gorilla in the room, and you've got to put all of it on the table.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' Everything.&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' Everything. You've got to.
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/id/18381961/ns/meet_the_press/t/mtp-transcript-april/ ''Meet the Press''], {{#formatdate:2007-04-29}}

* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
** About [[Rudy Giuliani]], Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html
  | title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden
  | publisher = People Magazine
  | date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-26
}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don’t know — if you don’t, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what’s happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news
  | url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel
  | title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group
  | publisher = CNN
  | date = 2010-11-07
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word “literally”.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China’s most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about  envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They’re doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C.  (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation
 |date=2012-06-20 |title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth' |author=Talia Buford |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation |date=2012-08-14 |title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains' |author=Jake Tapper |periodical=ABC News |url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation |date=2012-09-10 |title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers |author=Alexandra Petri |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

* It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?&lt;br&gt;So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.&lt;br&gt;Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm making the argument this way:&lt;br&gt;There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
** [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

* You can’t talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can’t talk about the women’s movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn’t anything we legislatively did. It was ‘[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],’ it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That’s what changed peoples’ attitudes. That’s why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it’s in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you’ve had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation |date=2013-05-21 |title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage' |author=Jennifer Epstein |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation |date=2013-05-22 |title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites |author=Jonathan Chait |periodical=Intelligencer |publisher=New York Magazine |url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need .. a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not dribbling: significant flows. (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers .. that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself .. an '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop .. we'll be an absolute minority .. not a bad thing .. source of our strength (2015).]]

* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view .. constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants .. '''not dribbling, significant flows'''
** 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

* thirdly we need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
** 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
** To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-07-28 |title=The Biden Agenda |author=Evan Osnos |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

* When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us. But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well. We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again. Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, because hell is where they will reside.
** Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-09-03 |title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell |periodical=Crossmap |url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

==== 2015 ====

* The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.&lt;br&gt;It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.&lt;br&gt;It started all the way back in the late 1700s.&lt;br&gt;There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.&lt;br&gt;Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?&lt;br&gt;He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.&lt;br&gt;I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now.&lt;br&gt;I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy.&lt;br&gt;From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.&lt;br&gt;I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.&lt;br&gt;There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration.&lt;br&gt;Non stop, nonstop.&lt;br&gt;Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.&lt;br&gt;Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock. That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia’s attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It’s that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

* This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.&lt;p&gt;There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
** &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-07 |title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had ‘No Empathy’ for the Plight of Younger People? |author=Dan MacGuill |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko |Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-09 |title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden ‘Confessing to Bribery’? |author=Bethania Palma |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}}  (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-26 |title=Biden Says He’s the Workers’ Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security |author=Branko Marcetic |periodical=In These Times |url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-02-21 |title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching' |author=Larry Elder |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html |accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn’t understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-05 |title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done' |author=Brett Samuels |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what’s going on... Eight years of this and I think we’ll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you’ll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation |date=2019-05-22 |title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will ‘end NATO’ |periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it’s all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-19 |title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected |author=Igor Derysh |periodical=Salon |url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation |date=2019-08-09 |title=Joe Biden Says ‘Poor Kids’ Are Just as Bright as ‘White Kids’ |author=Matt Stevens |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation |date=29 August 2019
|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story |author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019 |title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019 |title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn |periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation |url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president |title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president |author=Hanna Panreck |publisher=Fox News |date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation |date=22 November 2019 |title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations |author=Jeanine Santucci |periodical=USA Today |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don’t Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don’t always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that’s the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population
|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn’t have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an ‘Old Friend’ and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden’s Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
** Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-02 |title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop |author=Dominick Mastrangelo |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
** Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]; Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans’ guns' |author=Madlin Mekelburg |periodical=PolitiFact |url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

* '''Lawrence O'Donnell''': Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden''': I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now. If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
** {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we’ve done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can’t build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
** Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-14 |title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act |author=Jerry Lambe |periodical=Law &amp; Crime |url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
** ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse |author=Johnathan Jones |periodical=The Western Journal |url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents’ ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What’s it going to look like? 
** [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-05 |title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal' |author=Justine Coleman |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-16 |title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not' |author=Jonathan Easley |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-15 |title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me' |author=Elena Moore |periodical=Associated Press |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain’t black’ if you're undecided over him vs. Trump |author=Nicholas Wu |periodical=USA TODAY |url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers ‘in the leg instead of the heart’ |periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}

==== July 2020 ====

* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.  Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren’t pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing’s a hoax. Nothing’s a hoax about that. It’s a very serious subject.  I want clean air. I want clean water. I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. The environment is very important to me.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-07-14 |url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ |title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda |author=Ebony Bowden |periodical=New York Post}}

==== August 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]
* Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not. And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
** Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-08-31 |title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order' |author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey |periodical=ABC News |url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]
* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html 3 September 2020] referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call
* If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.
** Yaron Steinbuch (21 September 2020), [https://nypost.com/2020/09/21/biden-mistakenly-says-millions-have-died-from-covid-19-in-us/ &quot;Joe Biden mistakenly says 200 million people have died from COVID-19 in US&quot;]  ''New York Post''
* And, by the way, the 20, the 200 mil- the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (2020), ''Rev'']

==== October 2020 ====

* 220,000 deaths.&lt;br&gt;If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:&lt;br&gt;Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.
** 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
*** as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

==== November 2020 ====

*   '''I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.''' So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It’s the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn’t vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me. Now, every vote must be counted. No one’s going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America’s come too far. America’s fought too many battles. America’s endured too much to ever let that happen. &lt;br&gt; '''We the people will not be silenced. We the people will not be bullied. We the people will not surrender. My friends, I’m confident we’ll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. It’ll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America, God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken. They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; ''' We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million. I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me. I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify. Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States. And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.&lt;p&gt;For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.&lt;p&gt;I sought this office to restore the soul of America. To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class. To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home. It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision. And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.

* '''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.''' Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural.  Gay, straight, transgender.  White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours. '''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.''' And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight. I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.&lt;p&gt;'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans.  The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. This is the time to heal in America.

* '''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.''' The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot. '''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''

* I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did. Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now. The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make. And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate. That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me. The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long. We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

* We stand again at an inflection point. We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose. We can do it. I know we can. '''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America. We must restore the soul of America.''' Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses. It is time for our better angels to prevail Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''

* '''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be. A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. The United States of America.''' God bless you. And may God protect our troops.

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, “Joey, I don’t expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.”&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren’t looking for a handout — they just need help. They’re in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don’t think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they’ve already labeled us as being ‘defund the police’ anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That’s how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we’re talking about defunding the police. We’re not. We’re talking about holding them accountable. We’re talking about giving them money to do the right things. We’re talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We’re talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it’s no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer.  And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid- — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there.  And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall.  But we want to make — look, that’s — I want to repeat: It’ll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====

[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden’s presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]

* Hear one another. See one another. Show respect to one another. Politics doesn′t have to be a raging fire, destroying everything in its path. Every disagreement doesn′t have to be a cause for total war. And we must reject the culture in which facts themselves are manipulated, and even manufactured.

* My fellow Americans, we have to be different than this. America has to be better than this, and I believe America is so much better than this. Just look around. Here we stand, in the shadow of the Capitol dome, as it was mentioned earlier, completed amid the civil war, when the union itself was literally hanging in the balance. Yet, we endured. We prevailed.

* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve. Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy. The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.&lt;p&gt;We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
*: As quoted by {{cite web |url=https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states |publisher={{w|Common Dreams}} |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-US |title=&quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States}} and {{cite web |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-GB |publisher={{w|Guardian Media Group}} |title=‘This is democracy’s day’: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video}}, among others.

* [T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.&lt;p&gt;We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain. Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.

* In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, “if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.”&lt;p&gt;“My whole soul is in it.” Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.&lt;p&gt;Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.

* I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days. I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.&lt;p&gt;The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.

* History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity. We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors. We can treat each other with dignity and respect. We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.&lt;p&gt;For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.&lt;p&gt;And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.

* Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation. I understand they worry about their jobs. '''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''&lt;p&gt;But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts. If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.

* We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, “weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” We will get through this together. Together.&lt;p&gt;Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.&lt;p&gt;America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges. And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

* Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.&lt;p&gt;Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?

* [T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear. Of unity, not division. Of light, not darkness. A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.&lt;p&gt;May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.&lt;p&gt;So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts. May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.

==== February 2021 ====

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;President Joe Biden remarks to the US Defense Department, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America.  And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary.  The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first.  I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach.  As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year.  I’m the first President in 40 years, I’m told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone.  So I know what it’s like.  Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world.  You’re warriors.  The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity.  And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

* I’ve said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent.  '''The 99 percent of us owe you.  We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm’s way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You’re incredible heroes and incredible patriots.  I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you.  I will never disrespect you.  I will never politicize the work you do.  That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

* It’s on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused.  This is an organization that’s defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

* I know this is the honor of my lifetime.  The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

* February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out. Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality.  From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army.

==== March 2021 ====

*At this very moment, so many of them, our fellow Americans, are on the front lines of this pandemic trying to save lives and still — still are forced to live in fear for their lives just walking down streets in America,&quot; he said. &quot;It's wrong, it's un-American, and it must stop.
* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren’t just shattered dreams, they’re warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month’s job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow.  We can’t afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There’s no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn’t seen since the Civil Rights era in the ‘60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs.  Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can’t imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what’s happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I’m especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she’s nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn’t buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — “the blood of patriots,” you know, and all the stuff about how we’re going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What’s happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear.  Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices.  That won’t increase inflation.  It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan.  And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/  Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban?  No.  But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re- — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there’s going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there’s going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I’m sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history.  Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Capitalism without competition isn’t capitalism; it’s exploitation.
* We’re now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power. And where- — what have we gotten from it? Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses. Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out;  beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We’re going to start mid-September, but we’re considering the advice you’ve given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript at Rev.com (31 August 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 CNBC coverage at YouTube (31 August 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.''' We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today. &lt;br&gt; The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. &lt;br&gt; They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy. &lt;br&gt; Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.

* In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban. &lt;br&gt; That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that’s what we did. &lt;br&gt; So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies. &lt;br&gt; As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport. &lt;br&gt; As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that’s what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March. &lt;br&gt; After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out. 

* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don’t take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

* Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives. '''My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban’s top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it’s strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration’s agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn’t attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. &lt;br&gt; So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren’t leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''

* The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm’s way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means. &lt;br&gt; In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. &lt;br&gt; As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. We’re far from done.

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We’re going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I’m looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn’t this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we’d begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don’t we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we’ve been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That’s because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America’s homeland and our friends, and that’s true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it’s changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don’t need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what’s called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We’ve shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That’s what’s in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here’s a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We’re engaged in a serious competition with China. We’re dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We’re confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America’s competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there’s nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we’ve got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we’ll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It’s about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan’s history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we’ll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We’ll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We’ll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I’ve been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I’m the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I’ve honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America’s sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

* &lt;!--  After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades. &lt;br&gt; Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That’s still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?   I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. &lt;br&gt; And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I’ve traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service. After 20,744 American service men and women injured. And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week. --&gt;'''I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We’ve been a nation too long at war. If you’re 20 years old today, you’ve never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs I don’t think enough people understand how much we’ve asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on. Willing to put their lives on the line in defense of our nation.

* &lt;!-- A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell. Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families, missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress. &lt;br&gt; We see it in the struggles many have when they come home. We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers. We see it in the strain in their families when they’re not there. We see it in the grief born by their survivors. The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives. Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America. Not in a far off place, but right here in America. --&gt; There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war. It’s time to end the war in Afghanistan. As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it’s time to look at the future, not the past. To a future that’s safer, to a future that’s more secure. To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot; &lt;br&gt; I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.

==== September 2021 ====

* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
** [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it’s ‘part of a national agenda’ (September 1, 2021)]

* Look, I don’t want to punish anyone’s success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
** [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/  Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

* It’s my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]]. 
* We’ve lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence. 
* We’re mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I’ll never raise your taxes one cent
* But, I’m going to make those at the top start to pay their share in taxes
* It’s only fair
** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 on [[Twitter]] (September 26, 2021)]

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what’s happening, we’re actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn’t seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. That’s got to change—and my Build Back Better Agenda will get it done.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 via [[twitter]] (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it’s up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what’s possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it’s about recognizing that for much too long we’ve allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. “If you succeed, I fail.” “If you get ahead, I fall behind.” And maybe worst of all, “If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.” &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it’s just self-evident — “If you do well, we all do well.” That’s keeping the promise of America.

* I’ve never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn’t do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it’s the core of our administration’s economic vision, and it’s a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we’re going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it’s democracy’s threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they’re following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That’s not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn’t matter — if that — if their candidate doesn’t win. &lt;br&gt; And they’re targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn’t vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, “Man, you can’t turn this back.” I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we’ve witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we’ve got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It’s using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It’s something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we’re in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we’re confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I’ve been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn’t; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they’re hiding and gives it some breath.

* I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you’ve all been fighting for your whole lives now. It’s in stark relief. &lt;br&gt; The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice. The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what’s at stake. And '''I think the American people will follow us. &lt;br&gt; But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops.

==== November 2021 ====

*   [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:P20211101AS-1101 (51846492951).jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution.  This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team’s Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We’ve all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They’ve repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn’t see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation’s capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn’t a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren’t looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn’t about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn’t buried. &lt;br&gt; That’s the only way forward. That’s what great nations do. They don’t bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that’s the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there’s truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He’s done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country’s interests and America’s interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can’t accept he lost, even though that’s what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That’s what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here’s the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It’s wrong. It’s undemocratic. And frankly, it’s un-American.

* '''You can’t love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can’t obey the law only when it’s convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can’t be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn’t come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it’s up to all of us — to “We the People” — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We’re living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we’re engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people’s right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they’re betting that democracy’s days are numbered. They’ve actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today’s rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they’re betting — they’re betting America will become more like them and less like us. They’re betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn’t live up to but an idea that couldn’t be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they’re not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don’t kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it’s no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I’m crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about “me.” &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We’re a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we’re one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America.  And I believe it’s time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I’ve admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

*  The idea that we’re going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that’s called [[World War III]], okay? Let’s get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

*  Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

*  Six days ago, [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

* Imagine what it’s like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you’re going to pay for it. What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:P20220324AS-0301 (52036132899).jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here.  You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we’re a unique country in many ways. And we’re the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we’re based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it’s the truth of who we are.  We’ve never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it.  And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That’s why you’re here.

* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we’ve lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you’re engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We’re in a new phase — your generation.  We’re at an inflection point.  About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain’t going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.

* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are.  And thank you for what you’re doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he’d yell at me, “Joey” — in Scranton — he said, “Keep the faith.”  And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she’d yell, “No, spread it.”  You’re spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it’s from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe.  Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy.  And we’ll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over.  They must end.  They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world’s democracies. &lt;br&gt; It’s not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty.  All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.  My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That’s why — that’s why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul.  We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it’s a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]’s [[love]] for [[liberty]].  [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We’re not attacking [[Russia]]; we’re [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it’s their jobs; they wonder what they’re going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation’s Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill’s husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

==== May 2022 ====

* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we’re on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history.  And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation’s elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman’s right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
** As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen’s peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

* The regime’s brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can’t stand it. I cannot stand it. But I’m going to have to learn, aren’t I?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

* I’ve been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don’t wait. We don’t have to wonder.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
** [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That’s why we’re staying in this.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the “Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022” (May 9, 2022)]

* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it’s gone down both years since I’ve been here — period.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

* We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.&lt;p&gt;Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities. Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime. Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.&lt;p&gt;When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses. My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, “All that needs to be said has already been said, but I’m going to say it again.”

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It’s pretty consequential. And it’s only going to keep growing, this need.  High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it’s a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald’s and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It’s just not right. It’s not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.&lt;p&gt;To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation’s immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.

* The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores.  Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations.  Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* My dad used to say &quot;A job’s about a lot more than a paycheck, it’s about your dignity, it’s about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that’s reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year’s deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

* I’m tired of trickle-down-economics, I’ve never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I’m a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

* That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

* I’ve spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

* We’re making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

* Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we’re down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development]. We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they’re [ranked second], we [got to] up our game. It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. Terrorism. Domestic terrorism.'''&lt;p&gt;[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group.&lt;p&gt;A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that’s the word, “replaced” — by the “other” — by people who don’t look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit

* [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation’s [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you. [[Hate]] will not prevail. And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.&lt;p&gt;For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it’s come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

* We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes. We heard the chants, “You will not replace us,” in Charlottesville, Virginia. I wasn’t going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President. But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting “You will not replace us,” accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that’s when I said, “No.” “No.”

* White supremacy is a poison. It’s a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it’s been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes. No more. I mean, no more. We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America. None.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

* '''Silence is complicity. It’s complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''&lt;p&gt;Our nation’s strength has always come from the idea — it’s going to sound corny, but think about it: What’s the idea of our nation? That we’re all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn’t get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we’re called upon to defend them.&lt;p&gt;The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time. We cannot allow that to happen.

* Look, I’m not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do. We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We’ve done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down. You can’t prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.

* '''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn’t been in my lifetime.''' It’s in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don’t understand America. To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions. Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we’re all part of the Divine. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” That’s the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world. Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy. These actions we’ve seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority. We can’t allow them to distort America — the real America.  We can’t allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God’s name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God’s name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

* I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again. [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they’re on a battlefield, for God’s sake. They’ll live with it the rest of their lives. There’s a lot we don’t know yet, but there’s a lot we do know.&lt;p&gt;There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.&lt;p&gt;To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There’s a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you’re being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It’s suffocating. And it’s never quite the same.

* I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws. We can’t and won’t prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact. When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled.&lt;p&gt;The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren’t running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God’s sake. It’s just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.&lt;p&gt;For God’s sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.

* Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws. I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft. And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]]. Why?&lt;p&gt;They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost. But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?&lt;p&gt;It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act. It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* Why don’t you tell them what Exxon’s profits were this year? This quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year'''. Exxon, start investing. Start paying your taxes.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/3519238-biden-bashes-big-oil-exxon-made-more-money-than-god-this-year/ Biden bashes big oil: 'Exxon made more money than God this year'] (June 10, 2022)

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections] (June 25, 2022 8:08 AM PDT)

* Putin thought he could break the transatlantic alliance,” the president said. “But he’s getting exactly what he did not want. '''He wanted the Finlandization of NATO. He got the NATO-ization of Finland.'''&quot; (&quot;Finlandization&quot; is a Cold War term referring to neutrality due to the Soviet Union's influence.)
** [https://news.yahoo.com/biden-putin-nato-finland-summit-145820526.html &quot;Biden says Putin wanted to 'break' NATO, but got the 'NATO-ization of Finland' instead,&quot; ''Yahoo News''] (June 30, 2022)

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.&lt;p&gt;Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.&lt;p&gt;It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.

* Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand.&lt;p&gt;As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas’ futures. 

* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas.  The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine.  That’s how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

* When I hear “climate,” I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

* That’s what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that’s when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

* People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it’s one thing to say “there should be accountability,” but when we think about and define “accountability” based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, “Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?”

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

* Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night. This was not a riot, it was a massacre.&lt;p&gt;As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished. In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I’m sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can’t get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it’s heeded the request that people had, and it’s headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen’s civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. '''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.''' For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen.

===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb| According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

* On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.&lt;p&gt;'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.&lt;p&gt;Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.&lt;p&gt;At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]’s sake, do something.

* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can’t be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone’s guns. It’s ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, “Like most rights, the right...” — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are “not unlimited.” Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn’t about taking away anyone’s rights. It’s about protecting children. It’s about protecting families. It’s about protecting whole communities. It’s about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say “enough”? Enough.

* '''I know that we can’t prevent every tragedy.''' But here’s what I believe we have to do. Here’s what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here’s what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can’t ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here’s what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that’s what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That’s how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he’d be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can’t buy a pistol in Texas until you’re 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can’t ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

* Look, I know some folks will say, “18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.” But that’s with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don’t tell me raising the age won’t make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They’re the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we’d be today. The gun industry’s special protections are outrageous. It must end.

* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend’s body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it’s like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they’ll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don’t have to imagine that at all.'''

* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There’s a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That’s why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won’t fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

* I just told you what I’d do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don’t have serial numbers and can’t be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it’s time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don’t want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can’t fail the American people again.

* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn’t count the carnage we see every single day that doesn’t make the headlines.

* I’ve been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I’ll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won’t give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it’s a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn’t enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, “Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what’s broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.” End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It’s time for each of us to do our part. It’s time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we’ve lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let’s hear the call and the cry. Let’s meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle’s wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That’s my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, [[Justice Thomas]] said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====
*Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don’t have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
**6 July 2022 [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 tweet]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people’s healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people’s living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People’s Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They’re in the sphere of wanting to increase. They’re in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in  [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-08-01 |title=“You’re dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor”: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform |first=Tara |last=Golshan  |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America’s greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation’s history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden’s an empty vessel. I don’t think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: ‘White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That’ (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they’re farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they’re worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they’re coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He’s not shutting down the virus. He’s helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don’t you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don’t want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation |author=Veronica Stracqualursi | date=2020-10-16 |title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'
|periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden’s call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two “made” senators — there’s a very good chance that today’s cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Attacking a core American institution like the [[Supreme Court]] from the world stage is below the dignity of the President
** [[Mitch McConnell]] '''[https://www.kentuckytoday.com/news/mcconnell-takes-aim-at-biden-over-criticism-of-supreme-court-decision/article_16f71856-f88d-11ec-81be-b7a4460d84e8.html McConnell takes aim at Biden over criticism of Supreme Court decision]''' (Jun 30, 2022 Updated 3 hrs ago)

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation| date=2012-05-03 |periodical=BBC |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778 |title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I’m sure that she’ll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He’s smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He’s taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he’s doing the exact opposite because he’s cut some side deal that maybe we’ll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don’t really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America’s credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden’s political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and “prestige” on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it’s a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump’s withdrawal plan.  Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden’s proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there’s probably—possibly—drugs involved, That’s what I hear. I mean, there’s possibly drugs. I don’t know how you can go from being so bad where you can’t even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I’m going to say, ‘I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.’ I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating’s article, Australia’s leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It’s laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can’t even get out because they’re contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That’s the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Biden, Joe}}
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      <text bytes="258292" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
** {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
** ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed ‘a liberal George Wallace’ (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

* I do not buy the concept, popular in the ’[[1960s|60s]], which said, ‘We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.’ I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
** From {{citation| date=1975-09-13| title= An Interview With Joe Biden | author= Joe Farley |url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
** [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

* I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has. There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.&lt;p&gt;[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case. To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;&lt;p&gt;I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].&lt;p&gt;I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
** {{cite web
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748
|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden
|first=Joe
|last=Farley
|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record
|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-14 |title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism |author=Robert Mackey |periodical=The Intercept |url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
** Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-07-23 |title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular |author=Beth Baumann |periodical=Town Hall |url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}{{better source needed}}

* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn’t matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
** As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup '1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti'], by [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'', (27 April 2021)

* When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you’re doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them— money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is that &quot;if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.&quot;
* When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time. Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation |date=2019-05-20 |title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans’ Benefits |author=Walker Bragman |periodical=Paste Magazine |url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

* You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.
* But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
** To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-15 |title=Joe Biden’s Iraq problem |author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can’t imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden’s Record on Iraq War from [[w:FactCheck.org|FactCheck.org]] (February 5, 2003)]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart''] ({{#formatdate:2004-07-28}})

==== 2005 ====

* Mr. President, today, in his speech to the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] gave a vivid and, I believe, compelling description of the threat to America and to freedom from radical [[Islamic fundamentalism]]. He made, in my view, a powerful case for what is at stake for every American. Simply put, the radical fundamentalists seek to kill our citizens in great numbers, to disrupt our economy, and to reshape the international order. They would take the world backwards, replacing freedom with fear and hope with hatred. If they were to acquire a nuclear weapon, the threat they would pose to America would be literally existential. The President said it well. The President is right that we cannot and will not retreat. We will defend ourselves and defeat the enemies of freedom and progress.
** [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/R?r109:FLD001:S11190 (October 6, 2005)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-14 |title=Joe Biden says he does not view ‘abortion as a choice and a right’ in unearthed video |author=Clark Mindock |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-10 |title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN Politics |url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html
  | title = Biden Say What?
  | publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN
  | date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-22
}}

==== 2007 ====

* I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America’s leadership in the world and change our priorities. I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.&lt;br&gt;I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
** Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
** {{citation
  | url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/
  | title = Biden officially running for president
  | periodical = NBC News
  | date = 2007-01-31
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.
** Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html
  | title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards
  | publisher = The New York Observer
  | date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about. John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
** Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

* Yes.
** Response to [[w:Brian Williams|Brian Williams]]' question during the South Carolina Democratic primary debates, asking if he could reassure voters that Biden had the &quot;discipline [one] would need on the world stage&quot;.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18352397/page/7/
  | title = South Carolina Democratic debate transcript
  | publisher = MSNBC
  | date = [[April 26]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-23
}}

* '''Tim Russert:''' But, senator, we have a [[deficit]]. We have Social Security and Medicare looming. The number of people on Social Security and Medicare is now 40 million people. It's going to be 80 million in 15 years. Would you consider looking at those programs, age of eligibility—&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden:''' Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' —cost of living, put it all on the table?&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' The answer is absolutely. You have to. You know, it's— one of the things that my, you know, the political advisers say to me is, &quot;Whoa, don't touch that third—&quot; Look, the American people aren't stupid. It's a real simple proposition. [...] Social Security's not the hard one to solve. ''Medicare'', that is the gorilla in the room, and you've got to put all of it on the table.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' Everything.&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' Everything. You've got to.
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/id/18381961/ns/meet_the_press/t/mtp-transcript-april/ ''Meet the Press''], {{#formatdate:2007-04-29}}

* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
** About [[Rudy Giuliani]], Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html
  | title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden
  | publisher = People Magazine
  | date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-26
}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don’t know — if you don’t, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what’s happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news
  | url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel
  | title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group
  | publisher = CNN
  | date = 2010-11-07
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word “literally”.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China’s most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about  envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They’re doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C.  (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation
 |date=2012-06-20 |title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth' |author=Talia Buford |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation |date=2012-08-14 |title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains' |author=Jake Tapper |periodical=ABC News |url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation |date=2012-09-10 |title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers |author=Alexandra Petri |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

* It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?&lt;br&gt;So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.&lt;br&gt;Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm making the argument this way:&lt;br&gt;There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
** [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

* You can’t talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can’t talk about the women’s movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn’t anything we legislatively did. It was ‘[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],’ it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That’s what changed peoples’ attitudes. That’s why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it’s in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you’ve had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation |date=2013-05-21 |title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage' |author=Jennifer Epstein |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation |date=2013-05-22 |title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites |author=Jonathan Chait |periodical=Intelligencer |publisher=New York Magazine |url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need .. a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not dribbling: significant flows. (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers .. that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself .. an '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop .. we'll be an absolute minority .. not a bad thing .. source of our strength (2015).]]

* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view .. constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants .. '''not dribbling, significant flows'''
** 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

* thirdly we need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
** 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
** To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-07-28 |title=The Biden Agenda |author=Evan Osnos |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

* When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us. But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well. We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again. Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, because hell is where they will reside.
** Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-09-03 |title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell |periodical=Crossmap |url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

==== 2015 ====

* The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.&lt;br&gt;It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.&lt;br&gt;It started all the way back in the late 1700s.&lt;br&gt;There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.&lt;br&gt;Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?&lt;br&gt;He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.&lt;br&gt;I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now.&lt;br&gt;I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy.&lt;br&gt;From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.&lt;br&gt;I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.&lt;br&gt;There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration.&lt;br&gt;Non stop, nonstop.&lt;br&gt;Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.&lt;br&gt;Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock. That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia’s attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It’s that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

* This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.&lt;p&gt;There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
** &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-07 |title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had ‘No Empathy’ for the Plight of Younger People? |author=Dan MacGuill |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko |Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-09 |title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden ‘Confessing to Bribery’? |author=Bethania Palma |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}}  (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-26 |title=Biden Says He’s the Workers’ Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security |author=Branko Marcetic |periodical=In These Times |url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-02-21 |title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching' |author=Larry Elder |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html |accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn’t understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-05 |title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done' |author=Brett Samuels |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what’s going on... Eight years of this and I think we’ll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you’ll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation |date=2019-05-22 |title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will ‘end NATO’ |periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it’s all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-19 |title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected |author=Igor Derysh |periodical=Salon |url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation |date=2019-08-09 |title=Joe Biden Says ‘Poor Kids’ Are Just as Bright as ‘White Kids’ |author=Matt Stevens |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation |date=29 August 2019
|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story |author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019 |title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019 |title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn |periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation |url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president |title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president |author=Hanna Panreck |publisher=Fox News |date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation |date=22 November 2019 |title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations |author=Jeanine Santucci |periodical=USA Today |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don’t Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don’t always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that’s the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population
|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn’t have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an ‘Old Friend’ and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden’s Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
** Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-02 |title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop |author=Dominick Mastrangelo |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
** Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]; Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans’ guns' |author=Madlin Mekelburg |periodical=PolitiFact |url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

* '''Lawrence O'Donnell''': Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden''': I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now. If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
** {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we’ve done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can’t build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
** Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-14 |title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act |author=Jerry Lambe |periodical=Law &amp; Crime |url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
** ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse |author=Johnathan Jones |periodical=The Western Journal |url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents’ ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What’s it going to look like? 
** [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-05 |title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal' |author=Justine Coleman |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-16 |title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not' |author=Jonathan Easley |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-15 |title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me' |author=Elena Moore |periodical=Associated Press |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain’t black’ if you're undecided over him vs. Trump |author=Nicholas Wu |periodical=USA TODAY |url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers ‘in the leg instead of the heart’ |periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}

==== July 2020 ====

* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.  Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren’t pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing’s a hoax. Nothing’s a hoax about that. It’s a very serious subject.  I want clean air. I want clean water. I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. The environment is very important to me.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-07-14 |url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ |title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda |author=Ebony Bowden |periodical=New York Post}}

==== August 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]
* Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not. And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
** Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-08-31 |title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order' |author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey |periodical=ABC News |url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]
* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html 3 September 2020] referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call
* If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.
** Yaron Steinbuch (21 September 2020), [https://nypost.com/2020/09/21/biden-mistakenly-says-millions-have-died-from-covid-19-in-us/ &quot;Joe Biden mistakenly says 200 million people have died from COVID-19 in US&quot;]  ''New York Post''
* And, by the way, the 20, the 200 mil- the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (2020), ''Rev'']

==== October 2020 ====

* 220,000 deaths.&lt;br&gt;If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:&lt;br&gt;Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.
** 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
*** as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

==== November 2020 ====

*   '''I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.''' So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It’s the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn’t vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me. Now, every vote must be counted. No one’s going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America’s come too far. America’s fought too many battles. America’s endured too much to ever let that happen. &lt;br&gt; '''We the people will not be silenced. We the people will not be bullied. We the people will not surrender. My friends, I’m confident we’ll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. It’ll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America, God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken. They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; ''' We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million. I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me. I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify. Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States. And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.&lt;p&gt;For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.&lt;p&gt;I sought this office to restore the soul of America. To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class. To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home. It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision. And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.

* '''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.''' Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural.  Gay, straight, transgender.  White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours. '''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.''' And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight. I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.&lt;p&gt;'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans.  The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. This is the time to heal in America.

* '''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.''' The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot. '''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''

* I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did. Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now. The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make. And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate. That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me. The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long. We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

* We stand again at an inflection point. We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose. We can do it. I know we can. '''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America. We must restore the soul of America.''' Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses. It is time for our better angels to prevail Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''

* '''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be. A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. The United States of America.''' God bless you. And may God protect our troops.

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, “Joey, I don’t expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.”&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren’t looking for a handout — they just need help. They’re in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don’t think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they’ve already labeled us as being ‘defund the police’ anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That’s how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we’re talking about defunding the police. We’re not. We’re talking about holding them accountable. We’re talking about giving them money to do the right things. We’re talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We’re talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it’s no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer.  And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid- — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there.  And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall.  But we want to make — look, that’s — I want to repeat: It’ll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====

[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden’s presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]

* Hear one another. See one another. Show respect to one another. Politics doesn′t have to be a raging fire, destroying everything in its path. Every disagreement doesn′t have to be a cause for total war. And we must reject the culture in which facts themselves are manipulated, and even manufactured.

* My fellow Americans, we have to be different than this. America has to be better than this, and I believe America is so much better than this. Just look around. Here we stand, in the shadow of the Capitol dome, as it was mentioned earlier, completed amid the civil war, when the union itself was literally hanging in the balance. Yet, we endured. We prevailed.

* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve. Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy. The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.&lt;p&gt;We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
*: As quoted by {{cite web |url=https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states |publisher={{w|Common Dreams}} |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-US |title=&quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States}} and {{cite web |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-GB |publisher={{w|Guardian Media Group}} |title=‘This is democracy’s day’: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video}}, among others.

* [T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.&lt;p&gt;We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain. Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.

* In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, “if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.”&lt;p&gt;“My whole soul is in it.” Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.&lt;p&gt;Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.

* I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days. I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.&lt;p&gt;The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.

* History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity. We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors. We can treat each other with dignity and respect. We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.&lt;p&gt;For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.&lt;p&gt;And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.

* Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation. I understand they worry about their jobs. '''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''&lt;p&gt;But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts. If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.

* We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, “weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” We will get through this together. Together.&lt;p&gt;Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.&lt;p&gt;America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges. And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

* Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.&lt;p&gt;Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?

* [T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear. Of unity, not division. Of light, not darkness. A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.&lt;p&gt;May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.&lt;p&gt;So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts. May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.

==== February 2021 ====

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;President Joe Biden remarks to the US Defense Department, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America.  And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary.  The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first.  I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach.  As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year.  I’m the first President in 40 years, I’m told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone.  So I know what it’s like.  Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world.  You’re warriors.  The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity.  And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

* I’ve said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent.  '''The 99 percent of us owe you.  We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm’s way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You’re incredible heroes and incredible patriots.  I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you.  I will never disrespect you.  I will never politicize the work you do.  That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

* It’s on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused.  This is an organization that’s defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

* I know this is the honor of my lifetime.  The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

* February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out. Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality.  From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army.

==== March 2021 ====

*At this very moment, so many of them, our fellow Americans, are on the front lines of this pandemic trying to save lives and still — still are forced to live in fear for their lives just walking down streets in America,&quot; he said. &quot;It's wrong, it's un-American, and it must stop.
* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren’t just shattered dreams, they’re warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month’s job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow.  We can’t afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There’s no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn’t seen since the Civil Rights era in the ‘60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs.  Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can’t imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what’s happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I’m especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she’s nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn’t buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — “the blood of patriots,” you know, and all the stuff about how we’re going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What’s happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear.  Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices.  That won’t increase inflation.  It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan.  And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/  Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban?  No.  But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re- — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there’s going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there’s going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I’m sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history.  Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Capitalism without competition isn’t capitalism; it’s exploitation.
* We’re now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power. And where- — what have we gotten from it? Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses. Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out;  beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We’re going to start mid-September, but we’re considering the advice you’ve given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript at Rev.com (31 August 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 CNBC coverage at YouTube (31 August 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.''' We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today. &lt;br&gt; The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. &lt;br&gt; They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy. &lt;br&gt; Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.

* In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban. &lt;br&gt; That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that’s what we did. &lt;br&gt; So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies. &lt;br&gt; As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport. &lt;br&gt; As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that’s what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March. &lt;br&gt; After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out. 

* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don’t take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

* Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives. '''My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban’s top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it’s strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration’s agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn’t attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. &lt;br&gt; So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren’t leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''

* The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm’s way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means. &lt;br&gt; In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. &lt;br&gt; As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. We’re far from done.

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We’re going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I’m looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn’t this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we’d begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don’t we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we’ve been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That’s because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America’s homeland and our friends, and that’s true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it’s changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don’t need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what’s called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We’ve shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That’s what’s in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here’s a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We’re engaged in a serious competition with China. We’re dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We’re confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America’s competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there’s nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we’ve got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we’ll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It’s about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan’s history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we’ll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We’ll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We’ll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I’ve been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I’m the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I’ve honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America’s sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

* &lt;!--  After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades. &lt;br&gt; Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That’s still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?   I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. &lt;br&gt; And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I’ve traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service. After 20,744 American service men and women injured. And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week. --&gt;'''I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We’ve been a nation too long at war. If you’re 20 years old today, you’ve never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs I don’t think enough people understand how much we’ve asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on. Willing to put their lives on the line in defense of our nation.

* &lt;!-- A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell. Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families, missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress. &lt;br&gt; We see it in the struggles many have when they come home. We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers. We see it in the strain in their families when they’re not there. We see it in the grief born by their survivors. The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives. Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America. Not in a far off place, but right here in America. --&gt; There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war. It’s time to end the war in Afghanistan. As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it’s time to look at the future, not the past. To a future that’s safer, to a future that’s more secure. To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot; &lt;br&gt; I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.

==== September 2021 ====

* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
** [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it’s ‘part of a national agenda’ (September 1, 2021)]

* Look, I don’t want to punish anyone’s success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
** [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/  Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

* It’s my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]]. 
* We’ve lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence. 
* We’re mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I’ll never raise your taxes one cent
* But, I’m going to make those at the top start to pay their share in taxes
* It’s only fair
** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 on [[Twitter]] (September 26, 2021)]

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what’s happening, we’re actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn’t seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. That’s got to change—and my Build Back Better Agenda will get it done.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 via [[twitter]] (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it’s up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what’s possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it’s about recognizing that for much too long we’ve allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. “If you succeed, I fail.” “If you get ahead, I fall behind.” And maybe worst of all, “If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.” &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it’s just self-evident — “If you do well, we all do well.” That’s keeping the promise of America.

* I’ve never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn’t do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it’s the core of our administration’s economic vision, and it’s a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we’re going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it’s democracy’s threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they’re following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That’s not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn’t matter — if that — if their candidate doesn’t win. &lt;br&gt; And they’re targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn’t vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, “Man, you can’t turn this back.” I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we’ve witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we’ve got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It’s using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It’s something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we’re in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we’re confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I’ve been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn’t; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they’re hiding and gives it some breath.

* I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you’ve all been fighting for your whole lives now. It’s in stark relief. &lt;br&gt; The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice. The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what’s at stake. And '''I think the American people will follow us. &lt;br&gt; But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops.

==== November 2021 ====

*   [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:P20211101AS-1101 (51846492951).jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution.  This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team’s Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We’ve all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They’ve repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn’t see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation’s capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn’t a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren’t looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn’t about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn’t buried. &lt;br&gt; That’s the only way forward. That’s what great nations do. They don’t bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that’s the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there’s truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He’s done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country’s interests and America’s interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can’t accept he lost, even though that’s what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That’s what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here’s the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It’s wrong. It’s undemocratic. And frankly, it’s un-American.

* '''You can’t love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can’t obey the law only when it’s convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can’t be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn’t come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it’s up to all of us — to “We the People” — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We’re living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we’re engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people’s right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they’re betting that democracy’s days are numbered. They’ve actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today’s rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they’re betting — they’re betting America will become more like them and less like us. They’re betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn’t live up to but an idea that couldn’t be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they’re not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don’t kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it’s no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I’m crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about “me.” &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We’re a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we’re one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America.  And I believe it’s time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I’ve admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

*  The idea that we’re going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that’s called [[World War III]], okay? Let’s get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

*  Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

*  Six days ago, [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

* Imagine what it’s like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you’re going to pay for it. What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:P20220324AS-0301 (52036132899).jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here.  You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we’re a unique country in many ways. And we’re the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we’re based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it’s the truth of who we are.  We’ve never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it.  And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That’s why you’re here.

* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we’ve lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you’re engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We’re in a new phase — your generation.  We’re at an inflection point.  About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain’t going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.

* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are.  And thank you for what you’re doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he’d yell at me, “Joey” — in Scranton — he said, “Keep the faith.”  And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she’d yell, “No, spread it.”  You’re spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it’s from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe.  Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy.  And we’ll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over.  They must end.  They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world’s democracies. &lt;br&gt; It’s not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty.  All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.  My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That’s why — that’s why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul.  We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it’s a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]’s [[love]] for [[liberty]].  [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We’re not attacking [[Russia]]; we’re [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it’s their jobs; they wonder what they’re going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation’s Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill’s husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

==== May 2022 ====

* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we’re on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history.  And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation’s elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman’s right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
** As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen’s peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

* The regime’s brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can’t stand it. I cannot stand it. But I’m going to have to learn, aren’t I?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

* I’ve been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don’t wait. We don’t have to wonder.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
** [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That’s why we’re staying in this.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the “Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022” (May 9, 2022)]

* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it’s gone down both years since I’ve been here — period.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

* We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.&lt;p&gt;Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities. Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime. Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.&lt;p&gt;When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses. My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, “All that needs to be said has already been said, but I’m going to say it again.”

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It’s pretty consequential. And it’s only going to keep growing, this need.  High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it’s a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald’s and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It’s just not right. It’s not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.&lt;p&gt;To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation’s immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.

* The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores.  Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations.  Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* My dad used to say &quot;A job’s about a lot more than a paycheck, it’s about your dignity, it’s about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that’s reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year’s deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

* I’m tired of trickle-down-economics, I’ve never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I’m a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

* That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

* I’ve spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

* We’re making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

* Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we’re down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development]. We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they’re [ranked second], we [got to] up our game. It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. Terrorism. Domestic terrorism.'''&lt;p&gt;[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group.&lt;p&gt;A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that’s the word, “replaced” — by the “other” — by people who don’t look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit

* [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation’s [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you. [[Hate]] will not prevail. And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.&lt;p&gt;For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it’s come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

* We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes. We heard the chants, “You will not replace us,” in Charlottesville, Virginia. I wasn’t going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President. But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting “You will not replace us,” accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that’s when I said, “No.” “No.”

* White supremacy is a poison. It’s a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it’s been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes. No more. I mean, no more. We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America. None.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

* '''Silence is complicity. It’s complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''&lt;p&gt;Our nation’s strength has always come from the idea — it’s going to sound corny, but think about it: What’s the idea of our nation? That we’re all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn’t get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we’re called upon to defend them.&lt;p&gt;The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time. We cannot allow that to happen.

* Look, I’m not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do. We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We’ve done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down. You can’t prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.

* '''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn’t been in my lifetime.''' It’s in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don’t understand America. To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions. Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we’re all part of the Divine. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” That’s the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world. Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy. These actions we’ve seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority. We can’t allow them to distort America — the real America.  We can’t allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God’s name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God’s name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

* I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again. [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they’re on a battlefield, for God’s sake. They’ll live with it the rest of their lives. There’s a lot we don’t know yet, but there’s a lot we do know.&lt;p&gt;There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.&lt;p&gt;To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There’s a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you’re being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It’s suffocating. And it’s never quite the same.

* I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws. We can’t and won’t prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact. When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled.&lt;p&gt;The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren’t running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God’s sake. It’s just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.&lt;p&gt;For God’s sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.

* Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws. I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft. And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]]. Why?&lt;p&gt;They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost. But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?&lt;p&gt;It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act. It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* Why don’t you tell them what Exxon’s profits were this year? This quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year'''. Exxon, start investing. Start paying your taxes.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/3519238-biden-bashes-big-oil-exxon-made-more-money-than-god-this-year/ Biden bashes big oil: 'Exxon made more money than God this year'] (June 10, 2022)

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections] (June 25, 2022 8:08 AM PDT)

* Putin thought he could break the transatlantic alliance,” the president said. “But he’s getting exactly what he did not want. '''He wanted the Finlandization of NATO. He got the NATO-ization of Finland.'''&quot; (&quot;Finlandization&quot; is a Cold War term referring to neutrality due to the Soviet Union's influence.)
** [https://news.yahoo.com/biden-putin-nato-finland-summit-145820526.html &quot;Biden says Putin wanted to 'break' NATO, but got the 'NATO-ization of Finland' instead,&quot; ''Yahoo News''] (June 30, 2022)

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.&lt;p&gt;Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.&lt;p&gt;It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.

* Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand.&lt;p&gt;As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas’ futures. 

* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas.  The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine.  That’s how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

* When I hear “climate,” I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

* That’s what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that’s when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

* People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it’s one thing to say “there should be accountability,” but when we think about and define “accountability” based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, “Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?”

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

* Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night. This was not a riot, it was a massacre.&lt;p&gt;As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished. In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I’m sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can’t get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it’s heeded the request that people had, and it’s headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen’s civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. '''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.''' For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen.

===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb| According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

* On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.&lt;p&gt;'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.&lt;p&gt;Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.&lt;p&gt;At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]’s sake, do something.

* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can’t be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone’s guns. It’s ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, “Like most rights, the right...” — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are “not unlimited.” Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn’t about taking away anyone’s rights. It’s about protecting children. It’s about protecting families. It’s about protecting whole communities. It’s about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say “enough”? Enough.

* '''I know that we can’t prevent every tragedy.''' But here’s what I believe we have to do. Here’s what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here’s what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can’t ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here’s what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that’s what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That’s how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he’d be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can’t buy a pistol in Texas until you’re 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can’t ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

* Look, I know some folks will say, “18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.” But that’s with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don’t tell me raising the age won’t make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They’re the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we’d be today. The gun industry’s special protections are outrageous. It must end.

* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend’s body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it’s like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they’ll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don’t have to imagine that at all.'''

* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There’s a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That’s why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won’t fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

* I just told you what I’d do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don’t have serial numbers and can’t be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it’s time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don’t want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can’t fail the American people again.

* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn’t count the carnage we see every single day that doesn’t make the headlines.

* I’ve been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I’ll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won’t give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it’s a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn’t enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, “Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what’s broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.” End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It’s time for each of us to do our part. It’s time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we’ve lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let’s hear the call and the cry. Let’s meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle’s wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That’s my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, [[Justice Thomas]] said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====
*Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don’t have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
**6 July 2022 [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 tweet]
*It is noteworthy that the percentage of women who register to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of men who do so. End of quote. Repeat the line. Women are not without electoral and/or political or lemme be precise, not and/or: OR political power. That's another saying that you the women of America can determine the outcome .. of this issue.
**8 July 2002, as [https://www.al.com/news/2022/07/joe-biden-makes-teleprompter-gaffe-elon-musk-replies-with-anchorman-reference.html transcribed by Alabama Times]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people’s healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people’s living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People’s Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They’re in the sphere of wanting to increase. They’re in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in  [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-08-01 |title=“You’re dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor”: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform |first=Tara |last=Golshan  |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America’s greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation’s history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden’s an empty vessel. I don’t think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: ‘White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That’ (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they’re farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they’re worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they’re coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He’s not shutting down the virus. He’s helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don’t you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don’t want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation |author=Veronica Stracqualursi | date=2020-10-16 |title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'
|periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden’s call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two “made” senators — there’s a very good chance that today’s cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Attacking a core American institution like the [[Supreme Court]] from the world stage is below the dignity of the President
** [[Mitch McConnell]] '''[https://www.kentuckytoday.com/news/mcconnell-takes-aim-at-biden-over-criticism-of-supreme-court-decision/article_16f71856-f88d-11ec-81be-b7a4460d84e8.html McConnell takes aim at Biden over criticism of Supreme Court decision]''' (Jun 30, 2022 Updated 3 hrs ago)

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation| date=2012-05-03 |periodical=BBC |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778 |title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I’m sure that she’ll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He’s smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He’s taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he’s doing the exact opposite because he’s cut some side deal that maybe we’ll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don’t really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America’s credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden’s political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and “prestige” on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it’s a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump’s withdrawal plan.  Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden’s proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there’s probably—possibly—drugs involved, That’s what I hear. I mean, there’s possibly drugs. I don’t know how you can go from being so bad where you can’t even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I’m going to say, ‘I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.’ I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating’s article, Australia’s leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It’s laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can’t even get out because they’re contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That’s the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

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      <text bytes="258290" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
** {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
** ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed ‘a liberal George Wallace’ (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

* I do not buy the concept, popular in the ’[[1960s|60s]], which said, ‘We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.’ I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
** From {{citation| date=1975-09-13| title= An Interview With Joe Biden | author= Joe Farley |url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
** [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

* I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has. There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.&lt;p&gt;[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case. To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;&lt;p&gt;I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].&lt;p&gt;I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
** {{cite web
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748
|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden
|first=Joe
|last=Farley
|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record
|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-14 |title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism |author=Robert Mackey |periodical=The Intercept |url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
** Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-07-23 |title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular |author=Beth Baumann |periodical=Town Hall |url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}{{better source needed}}

* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn’t matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
** As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup '1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti'], by [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'', (27 April 2021)

* When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you’re doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them— money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is that &quot;if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.&quot;
* When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time. Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation |date=2019-05-20 |title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans’ Benefits |author=Walker Bragman |periodical=Paste Magazine |url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

* You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.
* But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
** To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-15 |title=Joe Biden’s Iraq problem |author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can’t imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden’s Record on Iraq War from [[w:FactCheck.org|FactCheck.org]] (February 5, 2003)]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart''] ({{#formatdate:2004-07-28}})

==== 2005 ====

* Mr. President, today, in his speech to the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] gave a vivid and, I believe, compelling description of the threat to America and to freedom from radical [[Islamic fundamentalism]]. He made, in my view, a powerful case for what is at stake for every American. Simply put, the radical fundamentalists seek to kill our citizens in great numbers, to disrupt our economy, and to reshape the international order. They would take the world backwards, replacing freedom with fear and hope with hatred. If they were to acquire a nuclear weapon, the threat they would pose to America would be literally existential. The President said it well. The President is right that we cannot and will not retreat. We will defend ourselves and defeat the enemies of freedom and progress.
** [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/R?r109:FLD001:S11190 (October 6, 2005)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-14 |title=Joe Biden says he does not view ‘abortion as a choice and a right’ in unearthed video |author=Clark Mindock |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-10 |title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN Politics |url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html
  | title = Biden Say What?
  | publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN
  | date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-22
}}

==== 2007 ====

* I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America’s leadership in the world and change our priorities. I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.&lt;br&gt;I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
** Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
** {{citation
  | url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/
  | title = Biden officially running for president
  | periodical = NBC News
  | date = 2007-01-31
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.
** Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html
  | title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards
  | publisher = The New York Observer
  | date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about. John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
** Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

* Yes.
** Response to [[w:Brian Williams|Brian Williams]]' question during the South Carolina Democratic primary debates, asking if he could reassure voters that Biden had the &quot;discipline [one] would need on the world stage&quot;.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18352397/page/7/
  | title = South Carolina Democratic debate transcript
  | publisher = MSNBC
  | date = [[April 26]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-23
}}

* '''Tim Russert:''' But, senator, we have a [[deficit]]. We have Social Security and Medicare looming. The number of people on Social Security and Medicare is now 40 million people. It's going to be 80 million in 15 years. Would you consider looking at those programs, age of eligibility—&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden:''' Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' —cost of living, put it all on the table?&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' The answer is absolutely. You have to. You know, it's— one of the things that my, you know, the political advisers say to me is, &quot;Whoa, don't touch that third—&quot; Look, the American people aren't stupid. It's a real simple proposition. [...] Social Security's not the hard one to solve. ''Medicare'', that is the gorilla in the room, and you've got to put all of it on the table.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' Everything.&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' Everything. You've got to.
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/id/18381961/ns/meet_the_press/t/mtp-transcript-april/ ''Meet the Press''], {{#formatdate:2007-04-29}}

* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
** About [[Rudy Giuliani]], Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html
  | title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden
  | publisher = People Magazine
  | date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-26
}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don’t know — if you don’t, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what’s happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news
  | url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel
  | title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group
  | publisher = CNN
  | date = 2010-11-07
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word “literally”.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China’s most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about  envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They’re doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C.  (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation
 |date=2012-06-20 |title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth' |author=Talia Buford |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation |date=2012-08-14 |title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains' |author=Jake Tapper |periodical=ABC News |url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation |date=2012-09-10 |title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers |author=Alexandra Petri |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

* It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?&lt;br&gt;So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.&lt;br&gt;Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm making the argument this way:&lt;br&gt;There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
** [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

* You can’t talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can’t talk about the women’s movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn’t anything we legislatively did. It was ‘[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],’ it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That’s what changed peoples’ attitudes. That’s why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it’s in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you’ve had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation |date=2013-05-21 |title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage' |author=Jennifer Epstein |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation |date=2013-05-22 |title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites |author=Jonathan Chait |periodical=Intelligencer |publisher=New York Magazine |url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need .. a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not dribbling: significant flows. (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers .. that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself .. an '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop .. we'll be an absolute minority .. not a bad thing .. source of our strength (2015).]]

* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view .. constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants .. '''not dribbling, significant flows'''
** 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

* thirdly we need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
** 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
** To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-07-28 |title=The Biden Agenda |author=Evan Osnos |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

* When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us. But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well. We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again. Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, because hell is where they will reside.
** Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-09-03 |title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell |periodical=Crossmap |url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

==== 2015 ====

* The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.&lt;br&gt;It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.&lt;br&gt;It started all the way back in the late 1700s.&lt;br&gt;There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.&lt;br&gt;Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?&lt;br&gt;He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.&lt;br&gt;I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now.&lt;br&gt;I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy.&lt;br&gt;From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.&lt;br&gt;I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.&lt;br&gt;There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration.&lt;br&gt;Non stop, nonstop.&lt;br&gt;Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.&lt;br&gt;Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock. That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia’s attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It’s that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

* This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.&lt;p&gt;There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
** &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-07 |title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had ‘No Empathy’ for the Plight of Younger People? |author=Dan MacGuill |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko |Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-09 |title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden ‘Confessing to Bribery’? |author=Bethania Palma |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}}  (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-26 |title=Biden Says He’s the Workers’ Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security |author=Branko Marcetic |periodical=In These Times |url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-02-21 |title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching' |author=Larry Elder |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html |accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn’t understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-05 |title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done' |author=Brett Samuels |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what’s going on... Eight years of this and I think we’ll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you’ll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation |date=2019-05-22 |title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will ‘end NATO’ |periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it’s all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-19 |title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected |author=Igor Derysh |periodical=Salon |url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation |date=2019-08-09 |title=Joe Biden Says ‘Poor Kids’ Are Just as Bright as ‘White Kids’ |author=Matt Stevens |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation |date=29 August 2019
|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story |author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019 |title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019 |title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn |periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation |url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president |title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president |author=Hanna Panreck |publisher=Fox News |date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation |date=22 November 2019 |title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations |author=Jeanine Santucci |periodical=USA Today |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don’t Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don’t always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that’s the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population
|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn’t have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an ‘Old Friend’ and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden’s Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
** Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-02 |title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop |author=Dominick Mastrangelo |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
** Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]; Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans’ guns' |author=Madlin Mekelburg |periodical=PolitiFact |url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

* '''Lawrence O'Donnell''': Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden''': I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now. If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
** {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we’ve done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can’t build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
** Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-14 |title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act |author=Jerry Lambe |periodical=Law &amp; Crime |url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
** ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse |author=Johnathan Jones |periodical=The Western Journal |url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents’ ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What’s it going to look like? 
** [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-05 |title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal' |author=Justine Coleman |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-16 |title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not' |author=Jonathan Easley |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-15 |title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me' |author=Elena Moore |periodical=Associated Press |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain’t black’ if you're undecided over him vs. Trump |author=Nicholas Wu |periodical=USA TODAY |url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers ‘in the leg instead of the heart’ |periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}

==== July 2020 ====

* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.  Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren’t pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing’s a hoax. Nothing’s a hoax about that. It’s a very serious subject.  I want clean air. I want clean water. I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. The environment is very important to me.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-07-14 |url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ |title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda |author=Ebony Bowden |periodical=New York Post}}

==== August 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]
* Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not. And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
** Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-08-31 |title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order' |author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey |periodical=ABC News |url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]
* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html 3 September 2020] referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call
* If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.
** Yaron Steinbuch (21 September 2020), [https://nypost.com/2020/09/21/biden-mistakenly-says-millions-have-died-from-covid-19-in-us/ &quot;Joe Biden mistakenly says 200 million people have died from COVID-19 in US&quot;]  ''New York Post''
* And, by the way, the 20, the 200 mil- the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (2020), ''Rev'']

==== October 2020 ====

* 220,000 deaths.&lt;br&gt;If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:&lt;br&gt;Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.
** 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
*** as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

==== November 2020 ====

*   '''I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.''' So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It’s the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn’t vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me. Now, every vote must be counted. No one’s going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America’s come too far. America’s fought too many battles. America’s endured too much to ever let that happen. &lt;br&gt; '''We the people will not be silenced. We the people will not be bullied. We the people will not surrender. My friends, I’m confident we’ll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. It’ll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America, God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken. They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; ''' We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million. I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me. I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify. Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States. And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.&lt;p&gt;For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.&lt;p&gt;I sought this office to restore the soul of America. To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class. To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home. It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision. And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.

* '''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.''' Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural.  Gay, straight, transgender.  White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours. '''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.''' And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight. I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.&lt;p&gt;'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans.  The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. This is the time to heal in America.

* '''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.''' The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot. '''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''

* I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did. Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now. The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make. And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate. That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me. The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long. We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

* We stand again at an inflection point. We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose. We can do it. I know we can. '''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America. We must restore the soul of America.''' Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses. It is time for our better angels to prevail Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''

* '''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be. A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. The United States of America.''' God bless you. And may God protect our troops.

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, “Joey, I don’t expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.”&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren’t looking for a handout — they just need help. They’re in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don’t think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they’ve already labeled us as being ‘defund the police’ anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That’s how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we’re talking about defunding the police. We’re not. We’re talking about holding them accountable. We’re talking about giving them money to do the right things. We’re talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We’re talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it’s no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer.  And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid- — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there.  And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall.  But we want to make — look, that’s — I want to repeat: It’ll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====

[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden’s presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]

* Hear one another. See one another. Show respect to one another. Politics doesn′t have to be a raging fire, destroying everything in its path. Every disagreement doesn′t have to be a cause for total war. And we must reject the culture in which facts themselves are manipulated, and even manufactured.

* My fellow Americans, we have to be different than this. America has to be better than this, and I believe America is so much better than this. Just look around. Here we stand, in the shadow of the Capitol dome, as it was mentioned earlier, completed amid the civil war, when the union itself was literally hanging in the balance. Yet, we endured. We prevailed.

* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve. Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy. The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.&lt;p&gt;We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
*: As quoted by {{cite web |url=https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states |publisher={{w|Common Dreams}} |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-US |title=&quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States}} and {{cite web |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-GB |publisher={{w|Guardian Media Group}} |title=‘This is democracy’s day’: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video}}, among others.

* [T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.&lt;p&gt;We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain. Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.

* In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, “if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.”&lt;p&gt;“My whole soul is in it.” Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.&lt;p&gt;Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.

* I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days. I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.&lt;p&gt;The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.

* History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity. We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors. We can treat each other with dignity and respect. We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.&lt;p&gt;For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.&lt;p&gt;And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.

* Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation. I understand they worry about their jobs. '''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''&lt;p&gt;But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts. If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.

* We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, “weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” We will get through this together. Together.&lt;p&gt;Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.&lt;p&gt;America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges. And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

* Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.&lt;p&gt;Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?

* [T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear. Of unity, not division. Of light, not darkness. A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.&lt;p&gt;May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.&lt;p&gt;So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts. May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.

==== February 2021 ====

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;President Joe Biden remarks to the US Defense Department, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America.  And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary.  The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first.  I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach.  As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year.  I’m the first President in 40 years, I’m told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone.  So I know what it’s like.  Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world.  You’re warriors.  The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity.  And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

* I’ve said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent.  '''The 99 percent of us owe you.  We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm’s way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You’re incredible heroes and incredible patriots.  I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you.  I will never disrespect you.  I will never politicize the work you do.  That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

* It’s on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused.  This is an organization that’s defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

* I know this is the honor of my lifetime.  The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

* February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out. Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality.  From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army.

==== March 2021 ====

*At this very moment, so many of them, our fellow Americans, are on the front lines of this pandemic trying to save lives and still — still are forced to live in fear for their lives just walking down streets in America,&quot; he said. &quot;It's wrong, it's un-American, and it must stop.
* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren’t just shattered dreams, they’re warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month’s job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow.  We can’t afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There’s no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn’t seen since the Civil Rights era in the ‘60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs.  Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can’t imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what’s happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I’m especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she’s nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn’t buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — “the blood of patriots,” you know, and all the stuff about how we’re going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What’s happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear.  Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices.  That won’t increase inflation.  It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan.  And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/  Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban?  No.  But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re- — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there’s going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there’s going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I’m sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history.  Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Capitalism without competition isn’t capitalism; it’s exploitation.
* We’re now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power. And where- — what have we gotten from it? Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses. Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out;  beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We’re going to start mid-September, but we’re considering the advice you’ve given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript at Rev.com (31 August 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 CNBC coverage at YouTube (31 August 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.''' We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today. &lt;br&gt; The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. &lt;br&gt; They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy. &lt;br&gt; Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.

* In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban. &lt;br&gt; That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that’s what we did. &lt;br&gt; So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies. &lt;br&gt; As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport. &lt;br&gt; As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that’s what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March. &lt;br&gt; After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out. 

* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don’t take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

* Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives. '''My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban’s top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it’s strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration’s agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn’t attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. &lt;br&gt; So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren’t leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''

* The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm’s way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means. &lt;br&gt; In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. &lt;br&gt; As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. We’re far from done.

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We’re going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I’m looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn’t this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we’d begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don’t we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we’ve been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That’s because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America’s homeland and our friends, and that’s true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it’s changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don’t need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what’s called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We’ve shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That’s what’s in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here’s a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We’re engaged in a serious competition with China. We’re dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We’re confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America’s competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there’s nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we’ve got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we’ll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It’s about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan’s history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we’ll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We’ll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We’ll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I’ve been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I’m the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I’ve honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America’s sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

* &lt;!--  After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades. &lt;br&gt; Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That’s still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?   I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. &lt;br&gt; And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I’ve traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service. After 20,744 American service men and women injured. And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week. --&gt;'''I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We’ve been a nation too long at war. If you’re 20 years old today, you’ve never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs I don’t think enough people understand how much we’ve asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on. Willing to put their lives on the line in defense of our nation.

* &lt;!-- A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell. Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families, missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress. &lt;br&gt; We see it in the struggles many have when they come home. We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers. We see it in the strain in their families when they’re not there. We see it in the grief born by their survivors. The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives. Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America. Not in a far off place, but right here in America. --&gt; There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war. It’s time to end the war in Afghanistan. As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it’s time to look at the future, not the past. To a future that’s safer, to a future that’s more secure. To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot; &lt;br&gt; I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.

==== September 2021 ====

* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
** [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it’s ‘part of a national agenda’ (September 1, 2021)]

* Look, I don’t want to punish anyone’s success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
** [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/  Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

* It’s my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]]. 
* We’ve lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence. 
* We’re mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I’ll never raise your taxes one cent
* But, I’m going to make those at the top start to pay their share in taxes
* It’s only fair
** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 on [[Twitter]] (September 26, 2021)]

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what’s happening, we’re actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn’t seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. That’s got to change—and my Build Back Better Agenda will get it done.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 via [[twitter]] (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it’s up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what’s possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it’s about recognizing that for much too long we’ve allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. “If you succeed, I fail.” “If you get ahead, I fall behind.” And maybe worst of all, “If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.” &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it’s just self-evident — “If you do well, we all do well.” That’s keeping the promise of America.

* I’ve never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn’t do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it’s the core of our administration’s economic vision, and it’s a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we’re going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it’s democracy’s threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they’re following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That’s not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn’t matter — if that — if their candidate doesn’t win. &lt;br&gt; And they’re targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn’t vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, “Man, you can’t turn this back.” I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we’ve witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we’ve got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It’s using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It’s something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we’re in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we’re confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I’ve been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn’t; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they’re hiding and gives it some breath.

* I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you’ve all been fighting for your whole lives now. It’s in stark relief. &lt;br&gt; The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice. The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what’s at stake. And '''I think the American people will follow us. &lt;br&gt; But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops.

==== November 2021 ====

*   [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:President Joe Biden at COP26.jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution.  This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team’s Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We’ve all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They’ve repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn’t see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation’s capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn’t a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren’t looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn’t about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn’t buried. &lt;br&gt; That’s the only way forward. That’s what great nations do. They don’t bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that’s the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there’s truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He’s done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country’s interests and America’s interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can’t accept he lost, even though that’s what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That’s what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here’s the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It’s wrong. It’s undemocratic. And frankly, it’s un-American.

* '''You can’t love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can’t obey the law only when it’s convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can’t be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn’t come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it’s up to all of us — to “We the People” — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We’re living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we’re engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people’s right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they’re betting that democracy’s days are numbered. They’ve actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today’s rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they’re betting — they’re betting America will become more like them and less like us. They’re betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn’t live up to but an idea that couldn’t be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they’re not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don’t kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it’s no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I’m crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about “me.” &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We’re a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we’re one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America.  And I believe it’s time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I’ve admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

*  The idea that we’re going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that’s called [[World War III]], okay? Let’s get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

*  Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

*  Six days ago, [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

* Imagine what it’s like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you’re going to pay for it. What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:P20220324AS-0301 (52036132899).jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here.  You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we’re a unique country in many ways. And we’re the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we’re based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it’s the truth of who we are.  We’ve never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it.  And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That’s why you’re here.

* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we’ve lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you’re engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We’re in a new phase — your generation.  We’re at an inflection point.  About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain’t going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.

* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are.  And thank you for what you’re doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he’d yell at me, “Joey” — in Scranton — he said, “Keep the faith.”  And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she’d yell, “No, spread it.”  You’re spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it’s from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe.  Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy.  And we’ll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over.  They must end.  They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world’s democracies. &lt;br&gt; It’s not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty.  All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.  My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That’s why — that’s why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul.  We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it’s a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]’s [[love]] for [[liberty]].  [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We’re not attacking [[Russia]]; we’re [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it’s their jobs; they wonder what they’re going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation’s Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill’s husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

==== May 2022 ====

* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we’re on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history.  And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation’s elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman’s right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
** As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen’s peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

* The regime’s brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can’t stand it. I cannot stand it. But I’m going to have to learn, aren’t I?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

* I’ve been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don’t wait. We don’t have to wonder.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
** [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That’s why we’re staying in this.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the “Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022” (May 9, 2022)]

* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it’s gone down both years since I’ve been here — period.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

* We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.&lt;p&gt;Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities. Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime. Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.&lt;p&gt;When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses. My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, “All that needs to be said has already been said, but I’m going to say it again.”

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It’s pretty consequential. And it’s only going to keep growing, this need.  High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it’s a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald’s and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It’s just not right. It’s not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.&lt;p&gt;To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation’s immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.

* The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores.  Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations.  Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* My dad used to say &quot;A job’s about a lot more than a paycheck, it’s about your dignity, it’s about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that’s reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year’s deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

* I’m tired of trickle-down-economics, I’ve never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I’m a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

* That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

* I’ve spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

* We’re making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

* Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we’re down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development]. We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they’re [ranked second], we [got to] up our game. It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. Terrorism. Domestic terrorism.'''&lt;p&gt;[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group.&lt;p&gt;A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that’s the word, “replaced” — by the “other” — by people who don’t look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit

* [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation’s [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you. [[Hate]] will not prevail. And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.&lt;p&gt;For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it’s come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

* We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes. We heard the chants, “You will not replace us,” in Charlottesville, Virginia. I wasn’t going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President. But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting “You will not replace us,” accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that’s when I said, “No.” “No.”

* White supremacy is a poison. It’s a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it’s been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes. No more. I mean, no more. We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America. None.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

* '''Silence is complicity. It’s complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''&lt;p&gt;Our nation’s strength has always come from the idea — it’s going to sound corny, but think about it: What’s the idea of our nation? That we’re all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn’t get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we’re called upon to defend them.&lt;p&gt;The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time. We cannot allow that to happen.

* Look, I’m not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do. We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We’ve done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down. You can’t prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.

* '''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn’t been in my lifetime.''' It’s in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don’t understand America. To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions. Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we’re all part of the Divine. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” That’s the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world. Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy. These actions we’ve seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority. We can’t allow them to distort America — the real America.  We can’t allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God’s name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God’s name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

* I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again. [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they’re on a battlefield, for God’s sake. They’ll live with it the rest of their lives. There’s a lot we don’t know yet, but there’s a lot we do know.&lt;p&gt;There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.&lt;p&gt;To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There’s a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you’re being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It’s suffocating. And it’s never quite the same.

* I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws. We can’t and won’t prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact. When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled.&lt;p&gt;The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren’t running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God’s sake. It’s just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.&lt;p&gt;For God’s sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.

* Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws. I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft. And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]]. Why?&lt;p&gt;They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost. But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?&lt;p&gt;It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act. It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* Why don’t you tell them what Exxon’s profits were this year? This quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year'''. Exxon, start investing. Start paying your taxes.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/3519238-biden-bashes-big-oil-exxon-made-more-money-than-god-this-year/ Biden bashes big oil: 'Exxon made more money than God this year'] (June 10, 2022)

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections] (June 25, 2022 8:08 AM PDT)

* Putin thought he could break the transatlantic alliance,” the president said. “But he’s getting exactly what he did not want. '''He wanted the Finlandization of NATO. He got the NATO-ization of Finland.'''&quot; (&quot;Finlandization&quot; is a Cold War term referring to neutrality due to the Soviet Union's influence.)
** [https://news.yahoo.com/biden-putin-nato-finland-summit-145820526.html &quot;Biden says Putin wanted to 'break' NATO, but got the 'NATO-ization of Finland' instead,&quot; ''Yahoo News''] (June 30, 2022)

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.&lt;p&gt;Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.&lt;p&gt;It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.

* Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand.&lt;p&gt;As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas’ futures. 

* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas.  The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine.  That’s how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

* When I hear “climate,” I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

* That’s what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that’s when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

* People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it’s one thing to say “there should be accountability,” but when we think about and define “accountability” based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, “Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?”

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

* Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night. This was not a riot, it was a massacre.&lt;p&gt;As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished. In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I’m sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can’t get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it’s heeded the request that people had, and it’s headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen’s civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. '''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.''' For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen.

===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb| According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

* On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.&lt;p&gt;'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.&lt;p&gt;Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.&lt;p&gt;At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]’s sake, do something.

* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can’t be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone’s guns. It’s ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, “Like most rights, the right...” — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are “not unlimited.” Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn’t about taking away anyone’s rights. It’s about protecting children. It’s about protecting families. It’s about protecting whole communities. It’s about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say “enough”? Enough.

* '''I know that we can’t prevent every tragedy.''' But here’s what I believe we have to do. Here’s what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here’s what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can’t ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here’s what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that’s what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That’s how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he’d be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can’t buy a pistol in Texas until you’re 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can’t ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

* Look, I know some folks will say, “18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.” But that’s with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don’t tell me raising the age won’t make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They’re the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we’d be today. The gun industry’s special protections are outrageous. It must end.

* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend’s body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it’s like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they’ll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don’t have to imagine that at all.'''

* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There’s a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That’s why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won’t fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

* I just told you what I’d do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don’t have serial numbers and can’t be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it’s time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don’t want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can’t fail the American people again.

* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn’t count the carnage we see every single day that doesn’t make the headlines.

* I’ve been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I’ll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won’t give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it’s a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn’t enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, “Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what’s broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.” End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It’s time for each of us to do our part. It’s time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we’ve lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let’s hear the call and the cry. Let’s meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle’s wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That’s my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, [[Justice Thomas]] said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====
*Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don’t have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
**6 July 2022 [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 tweet]
*It is noteworthy that the percentage of women who register to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of men who do so. End of quote. Repeat the line. Women are not without electoral and/or political or lemme be precise, not and/or: OR political power. That's another saying that you the women of America can determine the outcome .. of this issue.
**8 July 2002, as [https://www.al.com/news/2022/07/joe-biden-makes-teleprompter-gaffe-elon-musk-replies-with-anchorman-reference.html transcribed by Alabama Times]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people’s healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people’s living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People’s Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They’re in the sphere of wanting to increase. They’re in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in  [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-08-01 |title=“You’re dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor”: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform |first=Tara |last=Golshan  |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America’s greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation’s history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden’s an empty vessel. I don’t think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: ‘White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That’ (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they’re farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they’re worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they’re coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He’s not shutting down the virus. He’s helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don’t you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don’t want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation |author=Veronica Stracqualursi | date=2020-10-16 |title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'
|periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden’s call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two “made” senators — there’s a very good chance that today’s cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Attacking a core American institution like the [[Supreme Court]] from the world stage is below the dignity of the President
** [[Mitch McConnell]] '''[https://www.kentuckytoday.com/news/mcconnell-takes-aim-at-biden-over-criticism-of-supreme-court-decision/article_16f71856-f88d-11ec-81be-b7a4460d84e8.html McConnell takes aim at Biden over criticism of Supreme Court decision]''' (Jun 30, 2022 Updated 3 hrs ago)

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation| date=2012-05-03 |periodical=BBC |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778 |title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I’m sure that she’ll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He’s smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He’s taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he’s doing the exact opposite because he’s cut some side deal that maybe we’ll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don’t really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America’s credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden’s political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and “prestige” on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it’s a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump’s withdrawal plan.  Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden’s proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there’s probably—possibly—drugs involved, That’s what I hear. I mean, there’s possibly drugs. I don’t know how you can go from being so bad where you can’t even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I’m going to say, ‘I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.’ I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating’s article, Australia’s leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It’s laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can’t even get out because they’re contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That’s the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

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      <text bytes="258314" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
** {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
** ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed ‘a liberal George Wallace’ (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

* I do not buy the concept, popular in the ’[[1960s|60s]], which said, ‘We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.’ I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
** From {{citation| date=1975-09-13| title= An Interview With Joe Biden | author= Joe Farley |url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
** [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

* I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has. There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.&lt;p&gt;[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case. To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;&lt;p&gt;I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].&lt;p&gt;I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
** {{cite web
|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748
|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden
|first=Joe
|last=Farley
|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record
|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-02-14 |title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism |author=Robert Mackey |periodical=The Intercept |url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
** Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-07-23 |title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular |author=Beth Baumann |periodical=Town Hall |url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}{{better source needed}}

* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn’t matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
** As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup '1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti'], by [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'', (27 April 2021)

* When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you’re doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them— money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is that &quot;if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.&quot;
* When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time. Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
** Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation |date=2019-05-20 |title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans’ Benefits |author=Walker Bragman |periodical=Paste Magazine |url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

* You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.
* But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
** To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-15 |title=Joe Biden’s Iraq problem |author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can’t imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden’s Record on Iraq War from [[w:FactCheck.org|FactCheck.org]] (February 5, 2003)]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart''] ({{#formatdate:2004-07-28}})

==== 2005 ====

* Mr. President, today, in his speech to the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] gave a vivid and, I believe, compelling description of the threat to America and to freedom from radical [[Islamic fundamentalism]]. He made, in my view, a powerful case for what is at stake for every American. Simply put, the radical fundamentalists seek to kill our citizens in great numbers, to disrupt our economy, and to reshape the international order. They would take the world backwards, replacing freedom with fear and hope with hatred. If they were to acquire a nuclear weapon, the threat they would pose to America would be literally existential. The President said it well. The President is right that we cannot and will not retreat. We will defend ourselves and defeat the enemies of freedom and progress.
** [http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/R?r109:FLD001:S11190 (October 6, 2005)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-14 |title=Joe Biden says he does not view ‘abortion as a choice and a right’ in unearthed video |author=Clark Mindock |periodical=The Independent |location=UK |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-10 |title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN Politics |url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html
  | title = Biden Say What?
  | publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN
  | date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-22
}}

==== 2007 ====

* I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America’s leadership in the world and change our priorities. I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.&lt;br&gt;I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
** Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
** {{citation
  | url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/
  | title = Biden officially running for president
  | periodical = NBC News
  | date = 2007-01-31
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.
** Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html
  | title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards
  | publisher = The New York Observer
  | date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2007-02-01
}}

* I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about. John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, ‘I want us out of there,’ but when you come back and you say, ‘O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?’ Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John? How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn? Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period? So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
** Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

* Yes.
** Response to [[w:Brian Williams|Brian Williams]]' question during the South Carolina Democratic primary debates, asking if he could reassure voters that Biden had the &quot;discipline [one] would need on the world stage&quot;.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18352397/page/7/
  | title = South Carolina Democratic debate transcript
  | publisher = MSNBC
  | date = [[April 26]], [[2007]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-23
}}

* '''Tim Russert:''' But, senator, we have a [[deficit]]. We have Social Security and Medicare looming. The number of people on Social Security and Medicare is now 40 million people. It's going to be 80 million in 15 years. Would you consider looking at those programs, age of eligibility—&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden:''' Absolutely.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' —cost of living, put it all on the table?&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' The answer is absolutely. You have to. You know, it's— one of the things that my, you know, the political advisers say to me is, &quot;Whoa, don't touch that third—&quot; Look, the American people aren't stupid. It's a real simple proposition. [...] Social Security's not the hard one to solve. ''Medicare'', that is the gorilla in the room, and you've got to put all of it on the table.&lt;br&gt;'''Russert:''' Everything.&lt;br&gt;'''Biden:''' Everything. You've got to.
** [http://www.nbcnews.com/id/18381961/ns/meet_the_press/t/mtp-transcript-april/ ''Meet the Press''], {{#formatdate:2007-04-29}}

* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
** About [[Rudy Giuliani]], Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html
  | title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden
  | publisher = People Magazine
  | date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]
  | accessdate = 2008-08-26
}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don’t know — if you don’t, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what’s happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news
  | url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html
  | title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks
  | publisher = PBS Newshour
  | date = 2010-11-08
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}}
** {{cite news
  | url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel
  | title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group
  | publisher = CNN
  | date = 2010-11-07
  | accessdate = 2012-07-01
}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word “literally”.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China’s most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about  envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They’re doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C.  (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation
 |date=2012-06-20 |title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth' |author=Talia Buford |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation |date=2012-08-14 |title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains' |author=Jake Tapper |periodical=ABC News |url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation |date=2012-09-10 |title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers |author=Alexandra Petri |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

* It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?&lt;br&gt;So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.&lt;br&gt;Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;I'm making the argument this way:&lt;br&gt;There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
** [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

* You can’t talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can’t talk about the women’s movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn’t anything we legislatively did. It was ‘[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],’ it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That’s what changed peoples’ attitudes. That’s why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it’s in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you’ve had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation |date=2013-05-21 |title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage' |author=Jennifer Epstein |periodical=Politico |url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation |date=2013-05-22 |title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites |author=Jonathan Chait |periodical=Intelligencer |publisher=New York Magazine |url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need .. a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not dribbling: significant flows. (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers .. that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself .. an '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop .. we'll be an absolute minority .. not a bad thing .. source of our strength (2015).]]

* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view .. constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants .. '''not dribbling, significant flows'''
** 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

* thirdly we need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
** 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
** To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-07-28 |title=The Biden Agenda |author=Evan Osnos |periodical=The New Yorker |url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

* When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us. But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well. We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again. Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, because hell is where they will reside.
** Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation |date=2014-09-03 |title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell |periodical=Crossmap |url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

==== 2015 ====

* The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.&lt;br&gt;It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.&lt;br&gt;It started all the way back in the late 1700s.&lt;br&gt;There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.&lt;br&gt;Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.&lt;br&gt;..&lt;br&gt;He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?&lt;br&gt;He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.&lt;br&gt;I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now.&lt;br&gt;I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy.&lt;br&gt;From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.&lt;br&gt;I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.&lt;br&gt;There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration.&lt;br&gt;Non stop, nonstop.&lt;br&gt;Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.&lt;br&gt;Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock. That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia’s attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It’s that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

* This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.&lt;p&gt;There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
** &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-05-07 |title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had ‘No Empathy’ for the Plight of Younger People? |author=Dan MacGuill |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko |Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-10-09 |title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden ‘Confessing to Bribery’? |author=Bethania Palma |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}}  (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-26 |title=Biden Says He’s the Workers’ Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security |author=Branko Marcetic |periodical=In These Times |url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-02-21 |title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching' |author=Larry Elder |periodical=RealClearPolitics |url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html |accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn’t understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2019-04-05 |title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done' |author=Brett Samuels |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what’s going on... Eight years of this and I think we’ll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you’ll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation |date=2019-05-22 |title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will ‘end NATO’ |periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it’s all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2019-06-19 |title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected |author=Igor Derysh |periodical=Salon |url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation |date=2019-08-09 |title=Joe Biden Says ‘Poor Kids’ Are Just as Bright as ‘White Kids’ |author=Matt Stevens |periodical=New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation |date=29 August 2019
|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story |author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe |periodical=Washington Post |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019 |title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019 |title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn |periodical=Fox News |url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation |url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president |title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president |author=Hanna Panreck |publisher=Fox News |date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation |date=22 November 2019 |title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations |author=Jeanine Santucci |periodical=USA Today |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don’t Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don’t always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that’s the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population
|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn’t have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an ‘Old Friend’ and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden’s Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
** Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-02 |title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop |author=Dominick Mastrangelo |periodical=Washington Examiner |url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
** Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]; Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-13 |title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans’ guns' |author=Madlin Mekelburg |periodical=PolitiFact |url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

* '''Lawrence O'Donnell''': Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?&lt;br&gt;'''Joe Biden''': I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now. If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
** {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we’ve done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can’t build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
** Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-14 |title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act |author=Jerry Lambe |periodical=Law &amp; Crime |url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
** ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-03-24 |title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse |author=Johnathan Jones |periodical=The Western Journal |url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents’ ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What’s it going to look like? 
** [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-05 |title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal' |author=Justine Coleman |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-16 |title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not' |author=Jonathan Easley |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-15 |title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me' |author=Elena Moore |periodical=Associated Press |url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation |date=2020-05-21 |title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation |date=2020-05-22 |title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain’t black’ if you're undecided over him vs. Trump |author=Nicholas Wu |periodical=USA TODAY |url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers ‘in the leg instead of the heart’ |periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}

==== July 2020 ====

* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

* There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.  Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren’t pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing’s a hoax. Nothing’s a hoax about that. It’s a very serious subject.  I want clean air. I want clean water. I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. The environment is very important to me.
** Quoted in {{citation |date=2020-07-14 |url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ |title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda |author=Ebony Bowden |periodical=New York Post}}

==== August 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]
* Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not. And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
** Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-08-31 |title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order' |author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey |periodical=ABC News |url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]
* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html 3 September 2020] referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call
* If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it’s estimated that 200 million people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.
** Yaron Steinbuch (21 September 2020), [https://nypost.com/2020/09/21/biden-mistakenly-says-millions-have-died-from-covid-19-in-us/ &quot;Joe Biden mistakenly says 200 million people have died from COVID-19 in US&quot;]  ''New York Post''
* And, by the way, the 20, the 200 mil- the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (2020), ''Rev'']

==== October 2020 ====

* 220,000 deaths.&lt;br&gt;If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:&lt;br&gt;Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.
** 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
*** as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

==== November 2020 ====

*   '''I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.''' So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It’s the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn’t vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me. Now, every vote must be counted. No one’s going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America’s come too far. America’s fought too many battles. America’s endured too much to ever let that happen. &lt;br&gt; '''We the people will not be silenced. We the people will not be bullied. We the people will not surrender. My friends, I’m confident we’ll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. It’ll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America, God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken. They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; ''' We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million. I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me. I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify. Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States. And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.&lt;p&gt;For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.&lt;p&gt;I sought this office to restore the soul of America. To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class. To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home. It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision. And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.

* '''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.''' Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural.  Gay, straight, transgender.  White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours. '''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.''' And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight. I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.&lt;p&gt;'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans.  The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. This is the time to heal in America.

* '''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.''' The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot. '''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''

* I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did. Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now. The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make. And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate. That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me. The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long. We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

* We stand again at an inflection point. We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose. We can do it. I know we can. '''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America. We must restore the soul of America.''' Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses. It is time for our better angels to prevail Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''

* '''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be. A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. The United States of America.''' God bless you. And may God protect our troops.

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, “Joey, I don’t expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.”&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren’t looking for a handout — they just need help. They’re in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don’t think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they’ve already labeled us as being ‘defund the police’ anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That’s how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we’re talking about defunding the police. We’re not. We’re talking about holding them accountable. We’re talking about giving them money to do the right things. We’re talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We’re talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it’s no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer.  And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid- — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there.  And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall.  But we want to make — look, that’s — I want to repeat: It’ll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====

[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden’s presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]

* Hear one another. See one another. Show respect to one another. Politics doesn′t have to be a raging fire, destroying everything in its path. Every disagreement doesn′t have to be a cause for total war. And we must reject the culture in which facts themselves are manipulated, and even manufactured.

* My fellow Americans, we have to be different than this. America has to be better than this, and I believe America is so much better than this. Just look around. Here we stand, in the shadow of the Capitol dome, as it was mentioned earlier, completed amid the civil war, when the union itself was literally hanging in the balance. Yet, we endured. We prevailed.

* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve. Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy. The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.&lt;p&gt;We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
*: As quoted by {{cite web |url=https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states |publisher={{w|Common Dreams}} |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-US |title=&quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States}} and {{cite web |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video |date=2021-01-20 |accessdate=2021-01-20 |lang=en-GB |publisher={{w|Guardian Media Group}} |title=‘This is democracy’s day’: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video}}, among others.

* [T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.&lt;p&gt;We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain. Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.

* In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, “if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.”&lt;p&gt;“My whole soul is in it.” Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.&lt;p&gt;Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.

* I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days. I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.&lt;p&gt;The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.

* History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity. We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors. We can treat each other with dignity and respect. We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.&lt;p&gt;For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.&lt;p&gt;And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.

* Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation. I understand they worry about their jobs. '''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''&lt;p&gt;But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts. If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.

* We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, “weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” We will get through this together. Together.&lt;p&gt;Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.&lt;p&gt;America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges. And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

* Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.&lt;p&gt;Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?

* [T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear. Of unity, not division. Of light, not darkness. A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.&lt;p&gt;May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.&lt;p&gt;So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts. May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.

==== February 2021 ====

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;President Joe Biden remarks to the US Defense Department, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America.  And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary.  The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first.  I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach.  As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year.  I’m the first President in 40 years, I’m told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone.  So I know what it’s like.  Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world.  You’re warriors.  The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity.  And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

* I’ve said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent.  '''The 99 percent of us owe you.  We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm’s way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You’re incredible heroes and incredible patriots.  I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you.  I will never disrespect you.  I will never politicize the work you do.  That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

* It’s on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused.  This is an organization that’s defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

* I know this is the honor of my lifetime.  The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

* February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out. Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality.  From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army.

==== March 2021 ====

*At this very moment, so many of them, our fellow Americans, are on the front lines of this pandemic trying to save lives and still — still are forced to live in fear for their lives just walking down streets in America,&quot; he said. &quot;It's wrong, it's un-American, and it must stop.
* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren’t just shattered dreams, they’re warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month’s job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow.  We can’t afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There’s no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn’t seen since the Civil Rights era in the ‘60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs.  Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can’t imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what’s happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I’m especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she’s nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn’t buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — “the blood of patriots,” you know, and all the stuff about how we’re going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What’s happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear.  Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices.  That won’t increase inflation.  It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan.  And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/  Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban?  No.  But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re- — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there’s going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there’s going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I’m sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history.  Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* Capitalism without competition isn’t capitalism; it’s exploitation.
* We’re now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power. And where- — what have we gotten from it? Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses. Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out;  beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We’re going to start mid-September, but we’re considering the advice you’ve given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript at Rev.com (31 August 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 CNBC coverage at YouTube (31 August 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.''' We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today. &lt;br&gt; The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. &lt;br&gt; They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy. &lt;br&gt; Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.

* In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban. &lt;br&gt; That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that’s what we did. &lt;br&gt; So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies. &lt;br&gt; As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport. &lt;br&gt; As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that’s what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March. &lt;br&gt; After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out. 

* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don’t take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

* Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives. '''My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban’s top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it’s strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration’s agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn’t attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. &lt;br&gt; So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren’t leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''

* The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm’s way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means. &lt;br&gt; In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. &lt;br&gt; As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. We’re far from done.

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We’re going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I’m looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn’t this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we’d begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don’t we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we’ve been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That’s because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America’s homeland and our friends, and that’s true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it’s changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don’t need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what’s called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We’ve shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That’s what’s in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here’s a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We’re engaged in a serious competition with China. We’re dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We’re confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America’s competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there’s nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we’ve got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we’ll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It’s about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan’s history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we’ll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We’ll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We’ll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I’ve been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I’m the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I’ve honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America’s sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

* &lt;!--  After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades. &lt;br&gt; Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That’s still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?   I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. &lt;br&gt; And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I’ve traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service. After 20,744 American service men and women injured. And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week. --&gt;'''I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We’ve been a nation too long at war. If you’re 20 years old today, you’ve never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs I don’t think enough people understand how much we’ve asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on. Willing to put their lives on the line in defense of our nation.

* &lt;!-- A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell. Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families, missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress. &lt;br&gt; We see it in the struggles many have when they come home. We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers. We see it in the strain in their families when they’re not there. We see it in the grief born by their survivors. The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives. Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America. Not in a far off place, but right here in America. --&gt; There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war. It’s time to end the war in Afghanistan. As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it’s time to look at the future, not the past. To a future that’s safer, to a future that’s more secure. To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot; &lt;br&gt; I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.

==== September 2021 ====

* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
** [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it’s ‘part of a national agenda’ (September 1, 2021)]

* Look, I don’t want to punish anyone’s success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
** [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/  Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

* It’s my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]]. 
* We’ve lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence. 
* We’re mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I’ll never raise your taxes one cent
* But, I’m going to make those at the top start to pay their share in taxes
* It’s only fair
** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 on [[Twitter]] (September 26, 2021)]

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what’s happening, we’re actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn’t seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. That’s got to change—and my Build Back Better Agenda will get it done.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 via [[twitter]] (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it’s up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what’s possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it’s about recognizing that for much too long we’ve allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. “If you succeed, I fail.” “If you get ahead, I fall behind.” And maybe worst of all, “If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.” &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it’s just self-evident — “If you do well, we all do well.” That’s keeping the promise of America.

* I’ve never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn’t do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it’s the core of our administration’s economic vision, and it’s a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we’re going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it’s democracy’s threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they’re following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That’s not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn’t matter — if that — if their candidate doesn’t win. &lt;br&gt; And they’re targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn’t vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, “Man, you can’t turn this back.” I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we’ve witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we’ve got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It’s using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It’s something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we’re in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we’re confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I’ve been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn’t; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they’re hiding and gives it some breath.

* I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you’ve all been fighting for your whole lives now. It’s in stark relief. &lt;br&gt; The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice. The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what’s at stake. And '''I think the American people will follow us. &lt;br&gt; But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops.

==== November 2021 ====

*   [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:President Joe Biden at COP26.jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that’s yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there’s an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . .  We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it’s about [[w:Green job|jobs]].  It’s about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let’s get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution.  This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team’s Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We’ve all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They’ve repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn’t see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation’s capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn’t a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren’t looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren’t looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn’t about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn’t buried. &lt;br&gt; That’s the only way forward. That’s what great nations do. They don’t bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that’s the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there’s truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He’s done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country’s interests and America’s interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can’t accept he lost, even though that’s what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That’s what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here’s the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It’s wrong. It’s undemocratic. And frankly, it’s un-American.

* '''You can’t love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can’t obey the law only when it’s convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can’t be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn’t come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it’s up to all of us — to “We the People” — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We’re living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we’re engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people’s right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they’re betting that democracy’s days are numbered. They’ve actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today’s rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they’re betting — they’re betting America will become more like them and less like us. They’re betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn’t live up to but an idea that couldn’t be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they’re not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don’t kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it’s no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I’m crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about “me.” &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We’re a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we’re one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven’t looked like America.  And I believe it’s time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I’ve admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I’m pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

*  The idea that we’re going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that’s called [[World War III]], okay? Let’s get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

*  Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

*  Six days ago, [[Russia]]’s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

* Imagine what it’s like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you’re going to pay for it. What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden attended the March 2022 NATO special meeting.jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here.  You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we’re a unique country in many ways. And we’re the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we’re based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it’s the truth of who we are.  We’ve never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it.  And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That’s why you’re here.

* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we’ve lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you’re engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We’re in a new phase — your generation.  We’re at an inflection point.  About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain’t going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.

* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are.  And thank you for what you’re doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he’d yell at me, “Joey” — in Scranton — he said, “Keep the faith.”  And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she’d yell, “No, spread it.”  You’re spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it’s from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe.  Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy.  And we’ll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over.  They must end.  They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world’s democracies. &lt;br&gt; It’s not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty.  All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.  My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That’s why — that’s why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul.  We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it’s a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]’s [[love]] for [[liberty]].  [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We’re not attacking [[Russia]]; we’re [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it’s their jobs; they wonder what they’re going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation’s Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill’s husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

==== May 2022 ====

* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we’re on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history.  And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation’s elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman’s right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
** As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen’s peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

* The regime’s brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can’t stand it. I cannot stand it. But I’m going to have to learn, aren’t I?
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

* I’ve been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don’t wait. We don’t have to wonder.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
** [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That’s why we’re staying in this.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the “Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022” (May 9, 2022)]

* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it’s gone down both years since I’ve been here — period.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

* We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.&lt;p&gt;Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities. Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime. Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.&lt;p&gt;When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses. My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, “All that needs to be said has already been said, but I’m going to say it again.”

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It’s pretty consequential. And it’s only going to keep growing, this need.  High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it’s a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald’s and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It’s just not right. It’s not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.&lt;p&gt;To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation’s immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.

* The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores.  Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations.  Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* My dad used to say &quot;A job’s about a lot more than a paycheck, it’s about your dignity, it’s about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that’s reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year’s deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

* I’m tired of trickle-down-economics, I’ve never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I’m a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

* That’s no malarkey, That's a fact.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

* I’ve spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

* We’re making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

* Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we’re down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development]. We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they’re [ranked second], we [got to] up our game. It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.
** [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. Terrorism. Domestic terrorism.'''&lt;p&gt;[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group.&lt;p&gt;A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that’s the word, “replaced” — by the “other” — by people who don’t look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit

* [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation’s [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you. [[Hate]] will not prevail. And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.&lt;p&gt;For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it’s come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

* We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes. We heard the chants, “You will not replace us,” in Charlottesville, Virginia. I wasn’t going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President. But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting “You will not replace us,” accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that’s when I said, “No.” “No.”

* White supremacy is a poison. It’s a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it’s been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes. No more. I mean, no more. We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America. None.
** [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

* '''Silence is complicity. It’s complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''&lt;p&gt;Our nation’s strength has always come from the idea — it’s going to sound corny, but think about it: What’s the idea of our nation? That we’re all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn’t get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we’re called upon to defend them.&lt;p&gt;The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time. We cannot allow that to happen.

* Look, I’m not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do. We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We’ve done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down. You can’t prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.

* '''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn’t been in my lifetime.''' It’s in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don’t understand America. To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions. Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we’re all part of the Divine. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” That’s the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world. Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy. These actions we’ve seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority. We can’t allow them to distort America — the real America.  We can’t allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God’s name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God’s name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

* I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again. [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they’re on a battlefield, for God’s sake. They’ll live with it the rest of their lives. There’s a lot we don’t know yet, but there’s a lot we do know.&lt;p&gt;There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.&lt;p&gt;To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There’s a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you’re being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It’s suffocating. And it’s never quite the same.

* I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws. We can’t and won’t prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact. When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled.&lt;p&gt;The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren’t running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God’s sake. It’s just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.&lt;p&gt;For God’s sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.

* Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws. I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft. And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]]. Why?&lt;p&gt;They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost. But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?&lt;p&gt;It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act. It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* Why don’t you tell them what Exxon’s profits were this year? This quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year'''. Exxon, start investing. Start paying your taxes.
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/3519238-biden-bashes-big-oil-exxon-made-more-money-than-god-this-year/ Biden bashes big oil: 'Exxon made more money than God this year'] (June 10, 2022)

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections] (June 25, 2022 8:08 AM PDT)

* Putin thought he could break the transatlantic alliance,” the president said. “But he’s getting exactly what he did not want. '''He wanted the Finlandization of NATO. He got the NATO-ization of Finland.'''&quot; (&quot;Finlandization&quot; is a Cold War term referring to neutrality due to the Soviet Union's influence.)
** [https://news.yahoo.com/biden-putin-nato-finland-summit-145820526.html &quot;Biden says Putin wanted to 'break' NATO, but got the 'NATO-ization of Finland' instead,&quot; ''Yahoo News''] (June 30, 2022)

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.&lt;p&gt;Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.&lt;p&gt;It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.

* Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand.&lt;p&gt;As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas’ futures. 

* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas.  The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine.  That’s how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

* When I hear “climate,” I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

* That’s what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that’s when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

* People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it’s one thing to say “there should be accountability,” but when we think about and define “accountability” based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, “Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?”

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

* Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night. This was not a riot, it was a massacre.&lt;p&gt;As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished. In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I’m sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can’t get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it’s heeded the request that people had, and it’s headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen’s civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. '''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.''' For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana’a to destinations outside Yemen.

===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb| According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

* On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.&lt;p&gt;'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.&lt;p&gt;Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn’t help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.&lt;p&gt;At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]’s sake, do something.

* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can’t be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone’s guns. It’s ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, “Like most rights, the right...” — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are “not unlimited.” Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn’t about taking away anyone’s rights. It’s about protecting children. It’s about protecting families. It’s about protecting whole communities. It’s about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]’s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say “enough”? Enough.

* '''I know that we can’t prevent every tragedy.''' But here’s what I believe we have to do. Here’s what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here’s what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can’t ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here’s what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that’s what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That’s how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he’d be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can’t buy a pistol in Texas until you’re 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can’t ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

* Look, I know some folks will say, “18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.” But that’s with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don’t tell me raising the age won’t make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They’re the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we’d be today. The gun industry’s special protections are outrageous. It must end.

* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend’s body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it’s like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they’ll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don’t have to imagine that at all.'''

* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There’s a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That’s why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won’t fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

* I just told you what I’d do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don’t have serial numbers and can’t be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it’s time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don’t want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can’t fail the American people again.

* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn’t count the carnage we see every single day that doesn’t make the headlines.

* I’ve been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I’ll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won’t give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it’s a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn’t enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, “Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what’s broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.” End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It’s time for each of us to do our part. It’s time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we’ve lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let’s hear the call and the cry. Let’s meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle’s wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That’s my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, [[Justice Thomas]] said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====
*Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don’t have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
**6 July 2022 [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 tweet]
*It is noteworthy that the percentage of women who register to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of men who do so. End of quote. Repeat the line. Women are not without electoral and/or political or lemme be precise, not and/or: OR political power. That's another saying that you the women of America can determine the outcome .. of this issue.
**8 July 2002, as [https://www.al.com/news/2022/07/joe-biden-makes-teleprompter-gaffe-elon-musk-replies-with-anchorman-reference.html transcribed by Alabama Times]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people’s healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people’s living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn’t protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People’s Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They’re in the sphere of wanting to increase. They’re in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in  [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation |date=2019-08-01 |title=“You’re dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor”: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform |first=Tara |last=Golshan  |periodical=Vox |url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America’s greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation’s history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden’s an empty vessel. I don’t think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: ‘White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That’ (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they’re farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they’re worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they’re coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He’s not shutting down the virus. He’s helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don’t you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don’t want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation |author=Veronica Stracqualursi | date=2020-10-16 |title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'
|periodical=Miami Herald |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden’s call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden | Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two “made” senators — there’s a very good chance that today’s cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Attacking a core American institution like the [[Supreme Court]] from the world stage is below the dignity of the President
** [[Mitch McConnell]] '''[https://www.kentuckytoday.com/news/mcconnell-takes-aim-at-biden-over-criticism-of-supreme-court-decision/article_16f71856-f88d-11ec-81be-b7a4460d84e8.html McConnell takes aim at Biden over criticism of Supreme Court decision]''' (Jun 30, 2022 Updated 3 hrs ago)

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation| date=2012-05-03 |periodical=BBC |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778 |title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I’m sure that she’ll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He’s smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He’s taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he’s doing the exact opposite because he’s cut some side deal that maybe we’ll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don’t really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America’s credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden’s political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and “prestige” on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ “Empire Politician”: Joe Biden’s Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it’s a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump’s withdrawal plan.  Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden’s proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there’s probably—possibly—drugs involved, That’s what I hear. I mean, there’s possibly drugs. I don’t know how you can go from being so bad where you can’t even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I’m going to say, ‘I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.’ I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating’s article, Australia’s leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It’s laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can’t even get out because they’re contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That’s the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

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[[Category:Memoirists from the United States]]
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[[Category:People from Delaware]]
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[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2020]]
[[Category:Joe Biden| ]]
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  <page>
    <title>August 2</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T23:49:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>add 1</comment>
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      <text bytes="23666" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 2|August 2]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

;2004
: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts... ~ [[William Shakespeare]] in ''[[As You Like It]]''
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2005
: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up. I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it. ~ &quot;Serendipity&quot; in ''[[Dogma (film)|Dogma]]'', by [[Kevin Smith]]
:* proposed by [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]]

;2006
: Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have. ~ [[James Baldwin]] (born 2 August 1924)
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: The moment always comes when, having collected one's ideas, certain images, an intuition of a certain kind of development — whether psychological or material — one must pass on to the actual realization. ~ [[Michelangelo Antonioni]] (recent death)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: Now, it is true that the nature of society is to create, among its citizens, an illusion of safety; but it is also absolutely true that the safety is always necessarily an illusion. Artists are here to disturb the peace. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: Religious feeling is as much a verity as any other part of human consciousness; and against it, on the subjective side, the waves of science beat in vain. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: One writes out of one thing only — one's own experience. Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give. This is the only real concern of the artist, to recreate out of the disorder of life that order which is art. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:38, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: Life is a wave, which in no two consecutive moments of its existence is composed of the same particles. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
:* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:11, 30 July 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Words]] like &quot;[[freedom]],&quot; &quot;[[justice]],&quot; &quot;[[democracy]]&quot; are not common concepts; on the contrary, they are rare. [[People]] are not [[Birth|born]] [[Knowledge|knowing]] what these are. It takes enormous and, above all, individual [[effort]] to arrive at the [[respect]] for other people that these words imply.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 19:20, 29 July 2012 (UTC)&lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = The brightest flashes in the [[world]] of [[thought]] are incomplete until they have been proved to have their counterparts in the [[world]] of [[fact]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 10:01, 1 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2014
 {{quote of the day
| quote = We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s [[gentleness]] and [[sweetness]] and [[tenderness]]. It is all [[true]], but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a [[powerful]] [[nature]] into these elements, and Faraday's [[character]] would have been less [[admirable]] than it was had it not embraced [[forces]] and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high [[self-discipline]] he had converted the [[fire]] into a central glow and [[motive]] power of [[life]], instead of permitting it to [[waste]] itself in useless [[passion]]. &quot;He that is slow to [[anger]]&quot; saith the sage, &quot;is [[greater]] than the [[mighty]], and he that [[ruleth]] his own [[spirit]] than he that taketh a [[city]].&quot; Faraday was ''not'' slow to anger, but he completely ruled his own spirit, and thus, though he took no cities, he captivated [[all]] [[hearts]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s gentleness and sweetness and tenderness. It is all true, but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a powerful nature into these elements, and Faraday's character would have been less admirable than it was had it not embraced forces and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high self-discipline he had converted the fire into a central glow and motive power of life, instead of permitting it to waste itself in useless passion. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 11:44, 1 August 2014 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
:: but would probably extend it to read:
::: We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s [[gentleness]] and [[sweetness]] and [[tenderness]]. It is all [[true]], but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a [[powerful]] [[nature]] into these elements, and Faraday's character would have been less admirable than it was had it not embraced [[forces]] and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high [[self-discipline]] he had converted the [[fire]] into a central glow and motive power of [[life]], instead of permitting it to waste itself in useless [[passion]]. &quot;He that is slow to [[anger]]&quot; saith the sage, &quot;is [[greater]] than the mighty, and he that ruleth his own [[spirit]] than he that taketh a city.&quot; Faraday was ''not'' slow to anger, but he completely ruled his own spirit, and thus, though he took no cities, he captivated [[all]] [[hearts]].
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) I think this quote would be better if nominated on Faraday's birthday. --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = You think your [[pain]] and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the [[history]] of the [[world]], but then you [[read]]. It was [[Dostoevsky]] and [[Dickens]] who taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with [[all]] the [[people]] who were [[alive]], or who ever had been alive. Only if we face these open wounds in [[ourselves]] can we [[understand]] them in other people. An [[artist]] is a sort of [[emotional]] or [[spiritual]] [[historian]]. His role is to make you realize the [[doom]] and [[glory]] of [[knowing]] who you are and what you are. He has to tell, because nobody else can tell, what it is like to be alive.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:23, 1 August 2015 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I [[imagine]] one of the [[reasons]] [[people]] cling to their [[hates]] so [[stubbornly]] is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with [[pain]].
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 1 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; Perhaps I did not succumb to [[ideology]] … because I have never seen [[myself]] as a spokesman. I am a [[witness]]. In the [[church]] in which I was raised you were supposed to bear witness to the [[truth]]. Now, later on, you wonder what in the [[world]] the truth is, but you do [[know]] what a [[lie]] is.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- I have never seen myself as a spokesman. I am a witness. In the church in which I was raised you were supposed to bear witness to the truth. Now, later on, you wonder what in the world the truth is, but you do know what a lie is. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:32, 1 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[All]] [[art]] is a kind of [[confession]], more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to [[survive]], are forced, at last, to tell the [[whole]] [[story]], to vomit the [[anguish]] up.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- *4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:51, 1 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''They are not long, the [[days]] of [[wine]] and [[roses]]; &lt;br /&gt; Out of a misty [[dream]] &lt;br /&gt; Our path emerges for a while, then closes &lt;br /&gt; Within a dream.''
| author = Ernest Dowson
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:55, 1 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; In the long run, a [[society]]'s [[strength]] depends on the way that ordinary [[people]] voluntarily behave. Ordinary people matter because there are so many of them. [[Voluntary]] [[behavior]] matters because it is hard to supervise everyone all the time. … [[Successful]] societies — those which [[progress]] [[economically]] and [[politically]] and can control the terms on which they deal with the outside [[world]] — succeed because they have found ways to match individual [[self-interest]] to the [[collective]] [[good]]. The behavior that helps each person will, as a cumulative [[ethos]], help the society as a [[whole]].
| author = James Fallows
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:22, 2 August 2020 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:36, 5 November 2019 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; It is as [[fatal]] as it is [[cowardly]] to blink [[facts]] because they are not to our [[taste]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 1 August 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022 : ''[[August 2|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
Ranking system:
:4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used.
:3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used.
:2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used.
:1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used.
:0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day.
----
----
== Suggestions ==
There is no toy called easy joy.
* 0 (no source, no anon, no relevance) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:43, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Confronted with the impossibility of remaining faithful to one’s beliefs, and the equal impossibility of becoming free of them, one can be driven to the most inhuman excesses. ~ [[James Baldwin]] (born 2 August 1924)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. ~ [[Ken MacLeod]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

If the concept of God has any validity or any use, it can only be to make us larger, freer, and more loving. If God cannot do this, then it is time we got rid of Him. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

It's no credit to this enormously rich country that there are more oppressive, less decent governments elsewhere. We claim superiority of our institutions. We ought to live up to our own standards, not use misery elsewhere as an endless source of self-gratification and justification. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, which is the only fact we have. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

You don't realize that you're intelligent until it gets you into trouble. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Knowledge once gained casts a faint light beyond its own immediate boundaries. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

God has given to man no sharper spur to victory than contempt of death. ~ [[Hannibal]], quoted in relation to the anniversary of the [[w:Battle of Cannae|Battle of Cannae]] (2 August 216 BC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:11, 30 July 2011 (UTC)

----

{{Quote of the day|quote=A person whose conduct consists of not hurting anyone is not good; such a person is merely not bad. To be a good person involves the active pursuit of good. It is not enough merely to refrain from hurting other human beings; one must intercede on their behalf.|author=Dennis Prager}}
* 3. &amp;ndash; &lt;font face=&quot;Georgia&quot;&gt;'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''&lt;/font&gt; ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]]) 20:25, 13 April 2016 (UTC)

----
{{Quote of the day|quote=You do not have to do something bad in order to do bad; you only have to do nothing.|author=Dennis Prager}}
*3. &amp;ndash; &lt;font face=&quot;Georgia&quot;&gt;'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''&lt;/font&gt; ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]]) 20:41, 13 April 2016 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = I played because I enjoyed it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was dedicated to being the best. I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. To me, one of the most beautiful things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common goal — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. I tried to do that — we all tried to do that — on the Celtics. I think we succeeded. Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that effort. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than sports.
| author = Bill Russell
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:49, 1 August 2022 (UTC); in regard of his recent death.

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>ghy7t5vu23vx0b8tasc0royjdmutvyb</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150519</id>
      <parentid>3150513</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:25:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>updates</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23569" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 2|August 2]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

;2004
: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts... ~ [[William Shakespeare]] in ''[[As You Like It]]''
:* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2005
: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up. I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it. ~ &quot;Serendipity&quot; in ''[[Dogma (film)|Dogma]]'', by [[Kevin Smith]]
:* proposed by [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]]

;2006
: Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have. ~ [[James Baldwin]] (born 2 August 1924)
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: The moment always comes when, having collected one's ideas, certain images, an intuition of a certain kind of development — whether psychological or material — one must pass on to the actual realization. ~ [[Michelangelo Antonioni]] (recent death)
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: Now, it is true that the nature of society is to create, among its citizens, an illusion of safety; but it is also absolutely true that the safety is always necessarily an illusion. Artists are here to disturb the peace. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2009
: Religious feeling is as much a verity as any other part of human consciousness; and against it, on the subjective side, the waves of science beat in vain. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2010
: One writes out of one thing only — one's own experience. Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give. This is the only real concern of the artist, to recreate out of the disorder of life that order which is art. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:38, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: Life is a wave, which in no two consecutive moments of its existence is composed of the same particles. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
:* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:11, 30 July 2011 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Words]] like &quot;[[freedom]],&quot; &quot;[[justice]],&quot; &quot;[[democracy]]&quot; are not common concepts; on the contrary, they are rare. [[People]] are not [[Birth|born]] [[Knowledge|knowing]] what these are. It takes enormous and, above all, individual [[effort]] to arrive at the [[respect]] for other people that these words imply.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 19:20, 29 July 2012 (UTC)&lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = The brightest flashes in the [[world]] of [[thought]] are incomplete until they have been proved to have their counterparts in the [[world]] of [[fact]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 10:01, 1 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2014
 {{quote of the day
| quote = We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s [[gentleness]] and [[sweetness]] and [[tenderness]]. It is all [[true]], but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a [[powerful]] [[nature]] into these elements, and Faraday's [[character]] would have been less [[admirable]] than it was had it not embraced [[forces]] and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high [[self-discipline]] he had converted the [[fire]] into a central glow and [[motive]] power of [[life]], instead of permitting it to [[waste]] itself in useless [[passion]]. &quot;He that is slow to [[anger]]&quot; saith the sage, &quot;is [[greater]] than the [[mighty]], and he that [[ruleth]] his own [[spirit]] than he that taketh a [[city]].&quot; Faraday was ''not'' slow to anger, but he completely ruled his own spirit, and thus, though he took no cities, he captivated [[all]] [[hearts]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s gentleness and sweetness and tenderness. It is all true, but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a powerful nature into these elements, and Faraday's character would have been less admirable than it was had it not embraced forces and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high self-discipline he had converted the fire into a central glow and motive power of life, instead of permitting it to waste itself in useless passion. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 11:44, 1 August 2014 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
:: but would probably extend it to read:
::: We have heard much of [[Michael Faraday|Faraday]]'s [[gentleness]] and [[sweetness]] and [[tenderness]]. It is all [[true]], but it is very incomplete. You cannot resolve a [[powerful]] [[nature]] into these elements, and Faraday's character would have been less admirable than it was had it not embraced [[forces]] and tendencies to which the silky adjectives &quot;gentle&quot; and &quot;tender&quot; would by no means apply. Underneath his sweetness and gentleness was the heat of a volcano. He was a man of excitable and fiery nature; but through high [[self-discipline]] he had converted the [[fire]] into a central glow and motive power of [[life]], instead of permitting it to waste itself in useless [[passion]]. &quot;He that is slow to [[anger]]&quot; saith the sage, &quot;is [[greater]] than the mighty, and he that ruleth his own [[spirit]] than he that taketh a city.&quot; Faraday was ''not'' slow to anger, but he completely ruled his own spirit, and thus, though he took no cities, he captivated [[all]] [[hearts]].
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) I think this quote would be better if nominated on Faraday's birthday. --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = You think your [[pain]] and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the [[history]] of the [[world]], but then you [[read]]. It was [[Dostoevsky]] and [[Dickens]] who taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with [[all]] the [[people]] who were [[alive]], or who ever had been alive. Only if we face these open wounds in [[ourselves]] can we [[understand]] them in other people. An [[artist]] is a sort of [[emotional]] or [[spiritual]] [[historian]]. His role is to make you realize the [[doom]] and [[glory]] of [[knowing]] who you are and what you are. He has to tell, because nobody else can tell, what it is like to be alive.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:23, 1 August 2015 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I [[imagine]] one of the [[reasons]] [[people]] cling to their [[hates]] so [[stubbornly]] is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with [[pain]].
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]&lt;!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 1 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; Perhaps I did not succumb to [[ideology]] … because I have never seen [[myself]] as a spokesman. I am a [[witness]]. In the [[church]] in which I was raised you were supposed to bear witness to the [[truth]]. Now, later on, you wonder what in the [[world]] the truth is, but you do [[know]] what a [[lie]] is.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- I have never seen myself as a spokesman. I am a witness. In the church in which I was raised you were supposed to bear witness to the truth. Now, later on, you wonder what in the world the truth is, but you do know what a lie is. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:32, 1 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[All]] [[art]] is a kind of [[confession]], more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to [[survive]], are forced, at last, to tell the [[whole]] [[story]], to vomit the [[anguish]] up.
| author = James Baldwin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- *4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 21:51, 1 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:13, 1 August 2006 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:22, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; ''They are not long, the [[days]] of [[wine]] and [[roses]]; &lt;br /&gt; Out of a misty [[dream]] &lt;br /&gt; Our path emerges for a while, then closes &lt;br /&gt; Within a dream.''
| author = Ernest Dowson
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:55, 1 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; In the long run, a [[society]]'s [[strength]] depends on the way that ordinary [[people]] voluntarily behave. Ordinary people matter because there are so many of them. [[Voluntary]] [[behavior]] matters because it is hard to supervise everyone all the time. … [[Successful]] societies — those which [[progress]] [[economically]] and [[politically]] and can control the terms on which they deal with the outside [[world]] — succeed because they have found ways to match individual [[self-interest]] to the [[collective]] [[good]]. The behavior that helps each person will, as a cumulative [[ethos]], help the society as a [[whole]].
| author = James Fallows
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:22, 2 August 2020 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 07:36, 5 November 2019 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; It is as [[fatal]] as it is [[cowardly]] to blink [[facts]] because they are not to our [[taste]].
| author = John Tyndall
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]&lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:52, 1 August 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best. I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. I tried to do that — we all tried to do that — on [[w:Boston Celtics|the Celtics]]. I think we [[succeeded]]. Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]].
| author = Bill Russell
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:49, 1 August 2022 (UTC) --&gt;; in regard of his recent death.

; 2023 : ''[[August 2|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- ----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --&gt; 
----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
----
----
== Suggestions ==
There is no toy called easy joy.
* 0 (no source, no anon, no relevance) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:43, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Confronted with the impossibility of remaining faithful to one’s beliefs, and the equal impossibility of becoming free of them, one can be driven to the most inhuman excesses. ~ [[James Baldwin]] (born 2 August 1924)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 03:31, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:26, 1 August 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:58, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. ~ [[Ken MacLeod]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

If the concept of God has any validity or any use, it can only be to make us larger, freer, and more loving. If God cannot do this, then it is time we got rid of Him. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

It's no credit to this enormously rich country that there are more oppressive, less decent governments elsewhere. We claim superiority of our institutions. We ought to live up to our own standards, not use misery elsewhere as an endless source of self-gratification and justification. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 3.
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, which is the only fact we have. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 03:46, 22 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 11:10, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 1 August 2009 (UTC)
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

You don't realize that you're intelligent until it gets you into trouble. ~ [[James Baldwin]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

Knowledge once gained casts a faint light beyond its own immediate boundaries. ~ [[John Tyndall]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 22:52, 31 July 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 11:37, 29 July 2013 (UTC)

----

God has given to man no sharper spur to victory than contempt of death. ~ [[Hannibal]], quoted in relation to the anniversary of the [[w:Battle of Cannae|Battle of Cannae]] (2 August 216 BC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:11, 30 July 2011 (UTC)

----

{{Quote of the day|quote=A person whose conduct consists of not hurting anyone is not good; such a person is merely not bad. To be a good person involves the active pursuit of good. It is not enough merely to refrain from hurting other human beings; one must intercede on their behalf.|author=Dennis Prager}}
* 3. &amp;ndash; &lt;font face=&quot;Georgia&quot;&gt;'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''&lt;/font&gt; ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]]) 20:25, 13 April 2016 (UTC)

----
{{Quote of the day|quote=You do not have to do something bad in order to do bad; you only have to do nothing.|author=Dennis Prager}}
*3. &amp;ndash; &lt;font face=&quot;Georgia&quot;&gt;'''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]'''''&lt;/font&gt; ([[User talk:Illegitimate Barrister|talk]]) 20:41, 13 April 2016 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

&lt;!-- interwiki end --&gt;
&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
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  <page>
    <title>X-Men: Evolution</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150585</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T06:31:24Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="84785" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:X-Men: Evolution|X-Men: Evolution]]''''' is an American animated television series about the Marvel Comics superhero team '''[[X-Men]]'''. For quotes from other X-men series, see &quot;[[#See also|See also]]&quot; at the bottom of the page.
__NOTOC__

{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em auto 1em auto; text-align: center;&quot;
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD width=&quot;4%&quot; |
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD width=&quot;24%&quot; | [[#Season 1|Season 1]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD width=&quot;24%&quot; | [[#Season 2|Season 2]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD width=&quot;24%&quot; | [[#Season 3|Season 3]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD width=&quot;24%&quot; | [[#Season 4|Season 4]]
|- 
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 1
| &lt;!-- 1.01 --&gt; [[#Strategy X (1.01)|Strategy X]]
| &lt;!-- 2.01 --&gt; [[#Growing Pains (2.01)|Growing Pains]]
| &lt;!-- 3.01 --&gt; [[#Day of Recovery (3.01)|Day of Recovery]]
| &lt;!-- 4.01 --&gt; [[#Impact (4.01)|Impact]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 2
| &lt;!-- 1.02 --&gt; [[#The X-Impulse (1.02)|The X-Impulse]]
| &lt;!-- 2.02 --&gt; [[#Power Surge (2.02)|Power Surge]]
| &lt;!-- 3.02 --&gt; [[#The Stuff of Heroes (3.02)|The Stuff of Heroes]]
| &lt;!-- 4.02 --&gt; [[#No Good Deed (4.02)|No Good Deed]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 3
| &lt;!-- 1.03 --&gt; [[#Rogue Recruit (1.03)|Rogue Recruit]]
| &lt;!-- 2.03 --&gt; [[#Bada-Bing Bada-Boom! (2.03)|Bada-Bing Bada-Boom!]]
| &lt;!-- 3.03 --&gt; [[#Mainstream (3.03)|Mainstream]]
| &lt;!-- 4.03 --&gt; [[#Target X (4.03)|Target X]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 4
| &lt;!-- 1.04 --&gt; [[#Mutant Crush (1.04)|Mutant Crush]]
| &lt;!-- 2.04 --&gt; [[#Fun and Games (2.04)|Fun and Games]]
| &lt;!-- 3.04 --&gt; [[#The Stuff of Villains (3.04)|The Stuff of Villains]]
| &lt;!-- 4.04 --&gt; [[#Sins of the Son (4.04)|Sins of the Son]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 5
| &lt;!-- 1.05 --&gt; [[#Speed and Spyke (1.05)|Speed and Spyke]]
| &lt;!-- 2.05 --&gt; [[#The Beast of Bayville (2.05)|The Beast of Bayville]]
| &lt;!-- 3.05 --&gt; [[#Blind Alley (3.05)|Blind Alley]]
| &lt;!-- 4.05 --&gt; [[#Uprising (4.05)|Uprising]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 6
| &lt;!-- 1.06 --&gt; [[#Middleverse (1.06)|Middleverse]]
| &lt;!-- 2.06 --&gt; [[#Adrift (2.06)|Adrift]]
| &lt;!-- 3.06 --&gt; [[#X-Treme Measures (3.06)|X-Treme Measures]]
| &lt;!-- 4.06 --&gt; [[#Cajun Spice (4.06)|Cajun Spice]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 7
| &lt;!-- 1.07 --&gt; [[#Turn of the Rogue (1.07)|Turn of the Rogue]]
| &lt;!-- 2.07 --&gt; [[#On Angel's Wings (2.07)|On Angel's Wings]]
| &lt;!-- 3.07 --&gt; [[#The Toad, the Witch and the Wardrobe (3.07)|The Toad, the Witch and the Wardrobe]]
| &lt;!-- 4.07 --&gt; [[#Ghost of a Chance (4.07)|Ghost of a Chance]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 8
| &lt;!-- 1.08 --&gt; [[#Spykecam (1.08)|Spykecam]]
| &lt;!-- 2.08 --&gt; [[#African Storm (2.08)|African Storm]]
| &lt;!-- 3.08 --&gt; [[#Self-Possessed (3.08)|Self-Possessed]]
| &lt;!-- 4.08 --&gt; [[#Ascension (Part 1) (4.08)|Ascension (Part 1)]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 9
| &lt;!-- 1.09 --&gt; [[#Survival of the Fittest (1.09)|Survival of the Fittest]]
| &lt;!-- 2.09 --&gt; [[#Joyride (2.09)|Joyride]]
| &lt;!-- 3.09 --&gt; [[#Under Lock and Key (3.09)|Under Lock and Key]]
| &lt;!-- 4.09 --&gt; [[#Ascension (Part 2) (4.09)|Ascension (Part 2)]]
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 10
| &lt;!-- 1.10 --&gt; [[#Shadowed Past (1.10)|Shadowed Past]]
| &lt;!-- 2.10 --&gt; [[#Mindbender (2.10)|Mindbender]]
| &lt;!-- 3.10 --&gt; [[#Cruise Control (3.10)|Cruise Control]]
| &lt;!-- 4.10 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 11
| &lt;!-- 1.11 --&gt; [[#Grim Reminder (1.11)|Grim Reminder]]
| &lt;!-- 2.11 --&gt; [[#Shadow Dance (2.11)|Shadow Dance]]
| &lt;!-- 3.11 --&gt; [[#X23 (3.11)|X23]]
| &lt;!-- 4.11 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 12
| &lt;!-- 1.12 --&gt; [[#The Cauldron (Part 1) (1.12)|The Cauldron (Part 1)]]
| &lt;!-- 2.12 --&gt; [[#Retreat (2.12)|Retreat]]
| &lt;!-- 3.12 --&gt; [[#Dark Horizon (Part 1) (3.12)|Dark Horizon (Part 1)]]
| &lt;!-- 4.12 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 13
| &lt;!-- 1.13 --&gt; [[#The Cauldron (Part 2) (1.13)|The Cauldron (Part 2)]]
| &lt;!-- 2.13 --&gt; [[#Walk on the Wild Side (2.13)|Walk on the Wild Side]]
| &lt;!-- 3.13 --&gt; [[#Dark Horizon (Part 2) (3.13)|Dark Horizon (Part 2)]]
| &lt;!-- 4.13 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 14
| &lt;!-- 1.14 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 1 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 2.14 --&gt; [[#Operation: Rebirth (2.14)|Operation: Rebirth]]
| &lt;!-- 3.14 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 3 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 4.14 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 15
| &lt;!-- 1.15 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 1 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 2.15 --&gt; [[#The HeX Factor (2.15)|The HeX Factor]]
| &lt;!-- 3.15 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 3 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 4.15 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 16
| &lt;!-- 1.16 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 1 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 2.16 --&gt; [[#Day of Reckoning (Part 1) (2.16)|Day of Reckoning (Part 1)]]
| &lt;!-- 3.16 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 3 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 4.16 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 17
| &lt;!-- 1.17 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 1 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 2.17 --&gt; [[#Day of Reckoning (Part 2) (2.17)|Day of Reckoning (Part 2)]]
| &lt;!-- 3.17 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 3 Episode Here --&gt;
| &lt;!-- 4.17 --&gt; &lt;!-- No Season 4 Episode Here --&gt;
|-
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 18
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | 19
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD |
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#See Also|See Also]]
! bgcolor=#DDDDDD | [[#External Links|External Links]]
|}

== Season 1 ==
=== Strategy X (1.01) ===
:''[After Toad, blown into the mansion by Storm's powers, meets Nightcrawler for the first time.]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Whoa! What are you, some kind of ratty plush toy?
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': The name's Nightcrawler, and at least I don't reek like unwashed lederhosen.
:'''Toad''': You blue-furred freak!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Toad chases Nightcrawler through the mansion, the former hurling insults at the latter.]
:'''Nightcrawler''': As you say in America, &quot;neener, neener, neener!&quot;
:'''Toad''': That ain't gonna help you, boy!
:'''Nightcrawler''': You're so slow, you couldn't catch flies off a windshield!
:'''Toad''': Fight like a man!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Yes. The boy is, indeed, gifted. He could be one of us.
:'''[[w:Storm (comics)|Storm]]''': Sometimes, Professor, I think your good heart blinds even you from the truth.
:''[Nightcrawler suddenly leaps down the hall, chased by Toad]''
:'''Toad''': I'm gonna rip that pointy tail off, ya fuzzy gecko!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toad''': ''[chasing Nightcrawler]'' Come here, Wookiee boy! Come on, come over here, don't make me come up there, don't make me, oh, now you're starting to tick me off...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Professor Xavier''': Todd Tolansky does indeed have the gift of the X-gene. He is welcome to join us, if he so desires.
:'''Toad''': ''[still mad at Kurt]'' The only thing I ''desire'' is blue-boy's fuzzy head!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': I came back 'cause I thought I smelled trouble brewing. ''[glances at Toad]'' Of course, it could've just been stink-boy there...
:'''Professor Xavier''': I wish it was. Welcome home, old friend. We've missed you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': ''[checking out the Blackbird]'' Sehr gut! Is it yours? Please tell me you get to fly it.
:'''Cyclops''': It's ours. If you stick around long enough, I'll teach you how to pilot this bad boy.
:'''Nightcrawler''': But...I almost got you guys killed a few minutes ago.
:'''Cyclops''': Yeah... don't do that again. But look, we all mess up sometimes; I know ''I'' do. That's why we're all here: to learn not to make mistakes like that. That's why we'd like you to stay.
:'''Nightcrawler''': And you don't mind... the way I look?
:'''Cyclops''': ''[Laughs]'' Dude, just don't hassle me about my shades and we'll call it even.
:'''Nightcrawler''': We have a deal, then.
:'''Cyclops''': Welcome to the team. Come on, I'll show you where they hide the sodas.

=== The X-Impulse (1.02) ===
:''[Kitty had just walked away from Avalanche]
:'''[[w:Avalanche (comics)|Avalanche]]''': You can run, but you can't hide. Cause I'm gonna rock your world!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sabretooth (comics)|Sabretooth]]''': One shall fall by the other's hand. It's our destiny, and we can't change it.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': I didn't know you went for that philosophy mumbo-jumbo!
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': ''[to Sabretooth]'' Hey, hairball! I got your destiny right here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Wolverine, Cyclops and Nightcrawler beat Sabretooth.]''
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Heh! We showed him. We are the X-Men!
:'''Wolverine''': I don't fight your battles. So don't fight mine. ''[storms off]''
:'''Nightcrawler''': ''[to Cyclops]'' Ahh, he loves us.
:'''Cyclops''': Oh yeah, big time.

=== Rogue Recruit (1.03) ===
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics|Wolverine]]''': Hey, when I give a demo, I give a demo.
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': A demo, as in &quot;demolish&quot;, or &quot;demonstration&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': The vents were easily breached; gonna have to fix that. Maybe electrify them, or install poison gas sprayers.
:'''[[w:Storm (comics)|Storm]]''': Wolverine...
:'''Wolverine''': Alright, alright...''knockout'' gas, then.
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': ''(shudders)'' Is it just me, or is anybody else, like, seriously freaked by all of this? ''(everyone stares at her)'' Oh. Right, it's just me? Great.
:'''[[w:Night...(comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Relax, Kitty; you'll be fine. ''(he teleports next to her; she gasps)'' We're right beside you. ''(he teleports again to the opposite side of her)'' Popcorn? ''(Shadowcat screams)'' Oops. Heh heh, sorry. Next time I'll honk before I 'port.
:'''Shadowcat''': Whatever. Look, guys, it's getting late. If it's no biggie, I'm gonna, like, drop out. ''(she phases through the floor)''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Ah. She's fully not into the fuzzy dude. Not that I blame her.
:'''[[w:Jean Grey|Jean Grey]]''': ''(putting a hand on Nightcrawler's shoulder)'' Aw, she just needs some time, Kurt. She'll come around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cyclops''': Nice job, Kurt. You'll make a pilot, yet.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Thanks!
:''(Kurt starts piloting with his feet.)''
:'''Cyclops''': ...or maybe not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': Scott seems so, like, ''together''! So cool and he's kinda cute.
:'''[[w:Jean Grey|Jean Grey]]''': ''Cute''?! Stiff - maybe, exacting - definitely, but... hmm... ''(looks at Scott)'' You know, from a certain angle...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': Was? Got a scent?
:'''Wolverine''': Yeah... I smell fear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': ''(to Kurt, about Kitty)'' ... and keep an eye on the half-pint here.
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': Hey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Wolverine, it's Nightcrawler. The Rogue has his mind and his abilities.
:'''Wolverine''': This is my fault. I should never have left the little squirrel in charge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Rogue accidentally knocks Kurt out and flees the scene, leaving Shadowcat alone with him.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': Say something, Kurt! Please! Tease me, scare me, anything! Please...don't be dead... Come on, Kitty... okay, what would Wolverine do? I mean, besides dice up, like, half the landscape...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': ''(finally wakes up and sees the destruction around him)''... Looks like I missed quite a party...
:'''Shadowcat''': Kurt! You're alright! ''(hugs him)'' Easy, you fuzzy elf. Everything is going to be just fine.
:'''Cyclops''': ''(whispering)'' &quot;Fuzzy elf&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cody''': (about talking to Rogue) I'm just, you know, picking my moment. Taking it slow.
:'''Ty''': Cody, I've seen glaciers move faster. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Storm''': You look a little flush and the forecast isn't good.
(blows ice on him)
:'''Logan''': Now that was cold.

=== Mutant Crush (1.04) ===
:''[After Blob, lost on his first day in Bayville high, grabs Duncan.]''
:'''[[w:Blob (comics)|Blob]]''': Hey, you! Where am I supposed to be?
:'''[[w:Duncan Matthews|Duncan]]''': I don't know. How about a sideshow?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cyclops and Rogue are sitting together rehearsing their script from Henry VIII.]''
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': Do you like me, Kate?
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': ''Pardonnez moi''? I cannot tell what is &quot;like me&quot;.
:'''Cyclops''': An angel is like you, Kate, and you are like an angel.
:'''Rogue''': The girls are right; you ''are'' a charmer.
:'''Cyclops''': Look, I'm just practicing the lines, okay?
:'''Rogue''': Yeah, I know, it's just that sometimes I wish...
:'''Scott''': Yeah, wish what?
:'''Rogue''': Wish I could get close to somebody, but you know what happens when I do! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': That's it half-pint, keep the ball away from the elf. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Nightcrawler teleports between Cyclops and Rogue in the middle of rehearsal.]''
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Whoa! Er... Tender moment here? Sorry to interrupt.
:'''Rogue''': I swear, he's like a... an annoying little brother! ''(the joke is that Kurt, technically, is Rogue's brother - his biological mother is also Rogue's foster mother)''
'''Cyclops''': “What’s the problem?”

'''Nightcrawler''': “Jean’s been napped!” 

'''Cyclops''': (shocked and angry) “What?!”
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cyclops''': Teleporter to maximum, Mr. Wagner.
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Aye, Captain!
:'''Cyclops''': Engage.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rogue''': Leave her alone, ya yahoo!
:'''Blob''': Whatcha gonna do to me? Make me wear bad makeup?
:'''Rogue''': Didn't Mystique tell you what ''my'' power is?
:'''Blob''': No - 'cause I don't care!
:''(Rogue pulls off her glove and grabs Blob's arm.)''
:'''Rogue''': ''My'' power is ''your'' power, and I can take more than one!
:''(Rogue tosses Blob using his strength, and blasts him further back with Cyclops' beam. He lands in a pile of junk, but gets up again quickly.)''
:'''Blob''': I got too much power, even for you! You can't hurt me! I'm the Blob!
:'''Rogue''': Nah, you're just garbage that wanted a date! Now tell you what: I'm taking you ''out''!

=== Speed and Spyke (1.05) ===
:'''Storm''': Evan, are you alright? I've been concerned about you lately. You know, about the things we've discussed before?
:'''Spyke''': Yeah, yeah, no problem Auntie O', everything's cool.
:'''Storm''': Evan, I saw what happened to you out there tonight; when you fell.
:'''Spyke''': Hey, it's no big deal; I got it under control. Ah... ATCHOO! ''[the sneeze causes him to spray bone spikes all over the locker room, narrowly missing Storm]''
:'''Storm''': ''[Unfazed]'' Bless you.
:'''Spyke''': ''[Sniffs]'' Busted, huh?
:'''Storm''': Big time.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': ''[after Nightcrawler attempts to get pancakes]'' ELF! ''[sighs]'' How many times do I gotta tell ya? Ask and it'll get passed to ya.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Sorry. I didn't want to interupt you. ''[teleports back in his chair]''
:'''Wolverine''': That's better. Now mind your manners. ''[passes the pancakes to Nightcrawler]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': I love the smell of bacon in the morning.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scott''': It's really not so bad, Mrs. Daniels. Having special powers can be pretty cool sometimes.
:'''Evan''': Oh yeah! I'll tell you what, Shades! Let's see what you've got that's so cool!
:'''Mrs. Daniels''': Evan!
:'''Evan''': Sorry, Mom.
:'''Jean''': No really, it's okay. It's just that Scott's powers aren't really what you'd call 'indoor-friendly'.
:'''Evan''': Okay, whatever. Look, man. I like it right here and I'm not going to some home for freaks! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some school stuff to take care of. (goes upstairs)
:'''Mrs. Daniels''': Evan!
:'''Jean''': Well, that went well!
:'''Scott''': Yeah. And I thought we were really making a connection there.
:'''Mr. Daniels''': I apologize for my son, Mr. Summers. He's obviously dealing with a lot right now. I'll talk with him.
:'''Jean''': (using her power) Hey! He's going out the window.
(The group sees Evan going off on his skateboard)
:'''Scott''': We've really got to work on our sales pitch!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Eww! Professor! Kurt is, like, totally getting fur in the pool!!
:'''Kurt''': I am not!!

=== Middleverse (1.06) ===
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': Go to Duncan Matthews' party? I don't think so. Matthews is a jerk.
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': No he's not. I'd go.
:'''Cyclops''': No freshmen allowed.
:'''Shadowcat''': Oh. Matthews ''is'' a jerk.

----
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Hey, chicks dig the fuzzy dude! ''[to Shadowcat, suggestively]'' Right?
:'''Shadowcat''': I'm, like, so out of here. Later.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Oh yeah, she can't resist.

----
:'''Cyclops''': Hey! Watch the tail! ''(jerks Kurt off of table)'' Now, see? That's exactly what I'm talking about --
:'''Nightcrawler''': You pulled my ''tail'', man!
:'''Cyclops''': Grow up, Kurt!
:'''Nightcrawler''': Hey, lighten up, dude!
:'''Cyclops''': You're always goofing around!
:'''Nightcrawler''': And ''you're'' seriously cramping my style!
:'''Cyclops''': Listen!
:'''Nightcrawler''': No, ''you'' listen! There's a sound I want you to hear, and it's-
:''(Nightcrawler teleports, leaving Cyclops coughing in a cloud of brimstone.)''
:'''Cyclops''': ''[To Jean and Evan]'' Blew it, didn't I?
:'''Jean Grey''': Oh yeah.
:'''Spyke''': Totally.

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': I knew I should have paid more attention in computer lab.

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': It's raining furniture!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': Don't let my looks fool you. I'm a harmless blue fuzzball.

----
:''[After Cyclops, Spyke, Jean, and Shadowcat recover Forge's projector.]''
:'''Cyclops''': Step back. This is going to be messy.
:'''Shadowcat''': You know, I could just, like, phase through it and short it out quietly? ''[Cyclops and Spyke look at her blankly.]'' Oh, right. Forget I mentioned it. ''[to Jean]'' Like, what is it with guys and explosions anyway?

----
:'''Forge''': Man. You do have that rep.

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': I swear, that homie's lingo is so ''whack''.
:''(about Forge as they wander through Middleverse.)''

----
:'''Lance''': Rogue, Mystique sent us to find you. So are you with us or them?
:'''Scott''': Mystique? You're working for her?
:'''Rogue''': Hey, Summers, you got your friends, I got mine. But this ain't my fight, I'm outta here. 

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': So, how far does this middleverse extend?
:'''Forge''': Stops just short of the girls locker room, isn't that a burn?

----
:'''Kurt''': (to Rogue) What are you doing here?
:'''Rogue''': Hey, look who's talkin'! At least I didn't blow the place up!
:''Kurt''': (seeing a device that she is holding and runs over to take it away from her) Hey, give me that.
:'''Rogue''': (struggling with Kurt) Back off, blue boy! Who says YOUR in charge here?! 

----
:'''Lance''': You and me got a date, Pretty Kitty. How about a ride on a concrete coaster?
:'''Kitty''': Lousy ride, loser! 

----
:'''Random kid''': Ahhh! A ghost! Blue and hairy demon!! I'm outta here! 

----
:'''Toad''':What is this, abuse the Toad day?

----
:'''Scott''': I need to lighten up! (Jean and Kitty gape in shock)
:'''Jean''': Oh, not you Scott!
:'''Kitty''': (giggles) Check his temperature! (places her hand on his forehead to check his temperature) Mr. Military's gone soft!
:'''Scott''': Ok! So we go home, suit up and run a level 3 Danger Room simulation!
:'''Jean''': (groans) Scott!
:'''Kitty''': (groans) Give us a break!
:'''Nightcrawler''': (leans forward) See this is what I mean! Too serious!
:'''Scott''': Psych!
:'''Jean/Kitty''': (giggle)
:'''Nightcrawler''': (smiles) Very nice! There's hope for you yet!
:'''Scott''': Tell me about it on the way to Matthew's party!
:'''Kitty''': (grumbles) I still can't go! (folds her arms) I'm, like, a freshman!
:'''Scott''': (places his arm around her shoulder pulling her in for a hug) You're also one of the X-Men!
:'''Jean''': (places her hand on Kitty's shoulder making the scene look like a mom, dad and daughter scene) Don't worry! We'll make it happen!

=== Turn Of The Rogue (1.07) ===
:'''Rogue''': Scott? Scott? Listen, just hang on, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be...(looks over edge) Oh man! We're gonna die!
:'''Scott''': Thanks for the Pep-Talk, Rogue. Thanks. You saved my life.
:'''Rogue''': I owed it to you. Mystique had me pretty mixed up. Her mind's a tortured mess. But I saw enough to know that you're not my enemy. (sadly) I really thought she cared about me.
:'''Scott''': (groaning) Hey, she probably does. Sometimes it's really hard to understand adults. They never seem to trust us. (loses consciousness)
:'''Rogue''': (scared) Scott? Don't pass out. Come on. (nearly in tears) Wake up!
:'''Wolverine''': We're moving too slow! Spread a little more sunshine would ya?
:'''Storm''': I'm a weather-witch, not a snow plow. I'm doing the best I can.
:'''Rogue''': (gasps) It's Mystique!
:'''Professor''': (telepathically) Scott? Scott! I hope you can hear me! We're on our way! Scott! (normally) He's hurt!
:'''Wolverine''': Great! How we gonna find him in this white?
:'''Scott''': X-Men! Coming!
:'''Rogue''': What? They are? Great!
:'''Scott''': They can't find us!
:'''Rogue''': Figures! Then we'll give em something they can find! Open your eyes, Scott! Now! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rogue'''(To Mystique, as the latter approaches while transformed): Some friendly advice, teach? Don't mess with the Rogue!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Logan''': Where's your allegiance, kid, us or them?
:'''Rogue''': ''(shaking and scared out of her wits)'' If I don't say you, will I get thrown out of this jet?
:'''Logan''': Nope, not our style. We've either earned your trust by now or we haven't.
:'''Rogue''': You.
:'''Logan''': Welcome to the X-Men.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jean''': Which one of your guys has been putting on weight? I can hardly hold you!
:'''Cyclops''': It's Nightcrawler. Burgers seven days a week will do that to a fella.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Ah, the breakfast of mutants.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rogue''': No trophies for second place.
:'''Scott''': How'd a southern gal like you learn to handle a snowmobile?
:'''Rogue''': Lets just say I'm full of surprises.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Professor''': Rogue?
:'''Rogue''': It's not my place.
:'''Kitty''': Sure it is. You're part of the family now.
:'''Evan''': Yeah, Girl. Tell us what you think.
:'''Rogue''': Well...I think...No. I've learnt that honesty is very important between people you care about. At least it is to me.
:'''Professor''': You're right. All of you. I must apologise for keeping the secret from you. But please understand there are many challenges in your future. Secrets...elements of surprise some you are ready to deal with. Some you are not. In the future I will try to do better knowing which is which.
:'''Scott''': Thanks professor. We're all in this together. It's nice to know we've all got something to learn. That's what makes us X-Men.

=== SpykeCam (1.08) ===
:'''Evan''': (Sabertooth grabs him) We've been expecting you. (Evan pops his spikes) You gotta be sharp if you're gonna mess with the Spyke.
:'''Sabertooth''': (drops Spyke goes after Kitty) Then I'll take you!
:''Kitty''': (Kitty phases Creed flies through) Right. I'm so sure!
:'''Sabertooth''': knocks Kitty into a tree, goes after her again)
:'''Rogue''': Back off ugly!
:'''Wolverine''': Pickin' on kids, Creed? Big mistake!
:'''Sabertooth''': Yeah, Why?
:'''Logan''': Cause it really ticks me off!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Evan''': Come on, Rogue, get with the program. Shake that thing.
:'''Rogue''': Hey, she's got her moves, I got mine.
:'''Kitty''': Yeah, girl, you gotta go with it. Y'know, you're like a walkin' zombie or something.
:'''Evan''': Hey, listen, Rogue, how 'bout you shed those gloves and give K-girl a tap.
:'''Kitty and Rogue''': What? No way!
:'''Evan''': Listen to me. Just enough to rip Kitty's moves.
:'''Rogue''': It might work. Just concentrate on 'em.
:'''Kitty''': Okay, but you better not, like, lay me out.
(Rogue touches her)
:'''Rogue''': That was, like, pretty icksome! Aw, am I talking like her? [edit]

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rogue''': ''[after touching Sabertooth and almost turning into a werewolf]'' Awww... and I just shaved my legs last night!
:'''Logan''': Nice. The finishing touch. (to Kitty) And don't give me them puppy dog eyes, half-pint. You're grounded and so are the rest of you!
:'''Evan'''' For how long?
:'''Logan''': (sighs) I don't know, till She-Wolf there gets a haircut anyway.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rogue''': Just when I thought you could not possibly get more pathetic.
:'''Kitty''': At least I've got a hope of getting cast. Unlike you.
:'''Rogue''': Think about it. I was made for this play. ''(catches Spyke filming them)'' Hey! What are you playin' at Porcupine? I better not see my face on that tape or they're gonna be calling you Spyke-less.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sabertooth''': (about Evan, Kitty and Rogue) Three little piggies all alone, Logan you're making this too easy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toad''': (To Evan) Style, charisma... Toad's got it all, yo. So start shootin', already.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[First line of the episode. Evan looks down at his failed paper]''
:'''Evan''': Man! Professor Xavier's gonna ground me for the rest of my life!
:'''Teacher''': Mr. Daniels, could we talk for a moment, please? Admittedly, I asked for a report on the ''[[wikipedia:Strategic Defense Initiative|Star Wars]]'' programme. However, I ''wasn't'' talking about [[Star Wars (film)|the movie]].
:'''Evan''': ''[weakly]'' But I like movies.
:'''Teacher''': That's fine, but I was expecting a report on the National Space Defense System.
:'''Evan''': Yeah, I kinda figured that out by my grade. Look, man. Is there anything I can do to make this up? Extra credit? ''Anything''?
:'''Teacher''': Hmmm...Perhaps there ''is'' something. ''[takes a video camera out of his desk]''
:'''Evan''': Woah! A [[wikipedia:Digicam|digicam]]!
:'''Teacher'': You know, Evan, current events can mean a lot of things to people your age. How would you like to do a film report?
:'''Evan''': For real?
:'''Teacher''': You've got it. Project's due at the end of the week. I suggest you get started.

=== Survival of the Fittest (1.09) ===
: '''Blob''': &quot;Group Leader&quot;. &quot;Scholastic achievement&quot;. That should've been me!
:'''Quicksilver''': You can't even spell 'scholastic achievement', Blob.
:'''Blob''': No, but I ''can'' spell &quot;doomed&quot;! Which is what that goody-two shoes gang is when I get them alone in the woods!
:'''Toad''': I can hear it now. ''[imitates newsreader]'' &quot;Search and rescue efforts abandoned for missing teens. No traces found&quot;.
:'''Avalanche''': We'll hit them where it hurts most. In public. In front of ''everyone''!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(about Blob)
:'''Quicksilver''': If he slips, we're history! Death by blubberbomb!
:'''Avalanche''': Fastest way to the top's a straight line, Pietro.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Juggernaut''': You can't stop the Juggernaut!
:'''Wolverine''': Forgive me for trying, bub!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[The X-Men and the Brotherhood have defeated Juggernaut by working together]''
:'''Mystique''': Now there's something you won't see every day.
:'''Professor X''': I agree. And that's a shame.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Blob''': That loser Scott should've lost, and you know it.
:'''Pietro''': Yeah. Just because he slipped into the bath, the guy went ballistic.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Slipped?! More like avalanched!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
(After Jean saves Evan from falling off the cliff)
:'''Evan''': Woah,... I don't recommend that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pietro''': Cake walk. Our team can take a sauna. I'll get it myself.
:'''Kurt''': Not if I beat you there.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lance''': Better say your farewells 'Sumner', Cause you guys aren't coming back.
:'''Scott''': Oh, you got something in mind 'Rock Tumbler', cause I...
:'''Jean''': Scott! What do you think you're doing?
:'''Scott''': What?! Nothing! I'm just fed up with those delinquents getting away with everything while we're stuck playing by the rules!
:'''Lance''': Hey! We don't need our powers to beat you!
:'''Scott''': Aw, fine then. We'll all play it straight and you know what? We'll wave to you from the top!
:'''Jean''': Good. That's the deal. We're all competing fair; no powers, and I personally am very proud....
(Scott pulls her away)
:'''Scott''': Come on, Jean!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scott''': It felt kinda right, didn't it?
:'''Jean''': What?
:'''Scott''': Us and them fighting alongside? Why can't they just stop drawing battlelines in the first place?
:'''Jean''': Well, it's like what Logan said, &quot;You can't control the will of others.&quot;
:'''Scott''': Well, they'll come around. And you can be their conscience. You're pretty good at it.
:'''Jean''': (playfully pushes him) Oh... shut up ... (giggles a little bit)... even good guys need a nudge once in a while.
:'''Scott''': Jean, whenever you think I need it, nudge away.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jean''': Yeah, well, Scott's cool. He'll handle it like a group leader should.
(Scott blows Lance out of his boat with his powers.)
:'''Jean''': Or not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jean''': Yeah, at least he gave us a choice. Survival training here or with Wolverine.
:'''Rogue''': Some choice.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Logan''': I still say you should have let me handle their survival training.
:'''Xavier'': I gave them that choice, Logan. They felt they had a better chance of surviving the camp.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toad''': (about Scott) He stole that first place ribbon!
:'''Rogue''': You want that ribbon so bad? I'll pin it to your forehead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kitty''': (dropping onto her bag) We're going to die out here.
:'''Evan''': What about me? I'm a city kid.
:'''Rogue''': (picking up her stuff) I'm going AWOL, anyone know how to hotwire a school bus?

=== Shadowed Past (1.10) ===
''[Professor Xavier is visiting Mystique concerning a recent, disturbing discovery]''
:'''Professor X''': You've been carrying a terrible burden for many years, Mystique. Rogue's recent contact with you seems to have given her some of your darker memories; nightmares about a very unfortunate incident involving an ''infant''.
:'''Mystique''': You're fishing. You know nothing.
:'''Professor X''': I know about your relationship with the boy, Mystique. What I don't know is what Magneto did to him. Why did you run that night?
:'''Mystique''': ''[Gets up from the desk and walks to the bookcase]'' Dear, dear Charles. How incredibly frustrating for you; to realise that that amazing mind of yours knows so very little, really.
:'''Professor X''': What were you two up to in that dreary castle? Was it worth the loss of your son?
''[Xavier has hit a raw nerve. Mystique drops her book in shock, flooded by memories of what happened that night. Severely rattled, she turns back to Xavier.]'' 
:'''Mystique''': Get out! ''Get out now!''
''[Xavier turns to go, then stops at the door.]''
:'''Professor X''': Just in case you're curious: he turned out to be a ''very'' fine lad. ''[Leaves]''

=== Grim Reminder (1.11) ===
:''[Kitchen.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': ''(writing in letter)'' Finding a place to be alone around here is really a matter of timing. Sometimes you have to settle, like when Mr. Logan's around, but that's okay, because he doesn't want to talk to anybody.
:''[Logan turns to see Kitty staring him.]''
:'''Wolverine''': What's the matter, half-pint? Am I reading too loudly for ya?
:'''Shadowcat''': Ah, no, just enjoying how quiet it is.
:''[The rest of the X-Men burst in to eat breakfast, Even pouring himself a drink, Scott turning on the TV, Rogue taking a bite out of a pastry, and Evan scooping some egg into his plate.]''

----
:''[Kurt &amp; Kitty find that the plane they hid in is actually flying away.]''
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': Can you transport us to the ground?
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics|Nightcrawler]]''': Yeah, right. Like, picture this: bumpety, bumpety, bumpety, bumpety, SPLAT! Too high up and WAY too fast!

----
:''[The X-Jet is parked near the mountain. As Logan walks away from it, Kitty, who has changed into her X-Men uniform, phases through the bottom of the jet, crouches down, and raises an eyebrow while watching him. She gets up and walks. Kurt, who has also changed into his X-Men uniform, teleports beside Kitty.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': Did you get into the cockpit?
:'''Nightcrawler''': Yeah, but something's jamming the transmitter way out here. I couldn't reach the Institute.
:'''Shadowcat''': ''[Sighs]'' Looks like we're on our own then.
:''[Kurt shrugs before he and Kitty follow Logan.]''

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': ''(facing off with Sabretooth)'' Touch me, and you'll find yourself transported two miles into the woods!
:'''Sabretooth''': Then that's where you'll fall!

----
:'''Wolverine''': You caged the wrong animal, bub!
:'''Scientist''': Stop! This place is going to blow!
:'''Wolverine''': Let it! Kitty, leave!
:'''Shadowcat''': Not without you! ''(Nightcrawler teleports next to her and grabs her wrist)''
:'''Nightcrawler''': No argument this time! ''(he and Shadowcat both teleport out of the labratory; Sabretooth appears behind Wolverine)''
:'''Wolverine''': Project Weapon X has been terminated!

----
:''[Kurt is blocking everyone from going into the dining room, where Kitty is inside typing a letter on her laptop.]''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Just relax. Give her a minute. Nobody's gonna starve to death.
:''[Kitty is typing the letter on her laptop.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': ''[Voice-over]'' So, like I said this morning, it's just been another normal day here at the Xavier Institute. Funny. I've been complaining about not having enough time alone, right? But I think I, like, miss bumping into everyone. It's just part of the deal, when you're part of a family.

== Season 2 ==
=== Growing Pains (2.01) ===
:''(About the New Mutants)''
:'''Wolverine''': So those are the new recruits? Looks like we got our hands full.
:'''Professor''': Yes, a spirited bunch, but good kids. However, it's going to be difficult to keep things quiet, and to maintain our anonymity.
:'''Wolverine''': Not to mention our buildings. We're definately going to need more instructors. And maybe a couple of tanks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[The Brotherhood are standing off to the side at a school assembly]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Man, this bums, yo. Even the flies here think they're better than us.
:'''[[w:Blob (comics)|Blob]]''': Yeah. I don't even know what we're doing at school anyway.
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Quicksilver]]''': But we do know what Lance is doing here. He'd like to get a certain Kitty stuck in a tree. K-I-S-S-I....
:''[Quicksilver speeds away as Lance tries to hit him, causing him to hit Toad instead]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': I'm about to feel really big and stupid, if you know what I mean.
:''(toward Blob, as she prepares to absorb his power.)''

===Power Surge===
:''Note'': Jean's mental abilities of telepathy and telekinesis being drastically augmented to tremendously incalculable power levels is [[w:foreshadowing|foreshadowing]] the inevitable emergence of the almighty [[w:Phoenix Force (comics)|Phoenix Force]] entity lying within her subconscious mind.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler:''' What is going on up there?
:'''Shadowcat:''' Yeah, is Jean all right?
:'''Charles:''' No, she's not. Her powers are evolving too rapidly for her too control.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

=== Bada-Bing Bada-Boom!===
:''[Boom-Boom is selected first for the simulated cliff rescue operation, with Nightcrawler as the victim.]''
:'''[[w:Meltdown (comics)|Boom-Boom]]''': Yeah! Look out below! Boom-Boom's bombing in!
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': I'm going to die...
:''(Boom-Boom is lowered to Nightcrawler's position.)''
:'''Boom-Boom''': Hey, cutie!
:'''Nightcrawler''': Hi. I have to know: are you insane?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Boom-Boom carelessly sweeps Nightcrawler into the stretcher with her foot.)''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Ow! I'm an injured victim, not a log!
:'''Boom-Boom''': &quot;Nightcrawler&quot;, huh? That name's just not working for you, I'm sorry. Whoa! How about, &quot;Wild Blue Yonder Boy&quot;?
:'''Nightcrawler''': You ''are'' insane.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': Aha! You forgot to strap me in! Ten points off!
:''(to Boom-Boom, after he pretends to fall off the stretcher.)

=== The Beast of Bayville (2.05)===
:''[Dr. Hank McCoy is suffering a fit in the school bathroom. He is reciting Shakespeare to try and soothe himself.]''
:'''Hank McCoy''': [[Hamlet|For... in that sleep of... ''death''... what dreams may come when- ''aaagghh!''- we have shuffled off this ''mortal''- coil... AAaagh-MUST give us pause! Hnn-THERE'S... ''the respect that makes calamity''... of SO LONG LIFE]]!! '''GAAAGH!!!''' ''[Tears the sink off the wall in reflex]''

----
:''[Beast is staring at his reflection in the mirror.]''
:'''Beast''': ''[Sighs, then turns to Charles and Evan]'' I still look like a monster.
:'''Charles''': But you're now in the one place where that doesn't matter.
:'''Beast''': I can still feel it, though, inside.
:'''Charles''': And you probably always will.
:'''Beast''': The worst part is&amp;ndash; the very thing I feared most has happened. My teaching days are over now that I look like this.
:'''Evan''': Not so, teach. The prof can outfit you with an image inducer like Kurt's.
:'''Beast''': To look like whom? Hank McCoy? He's a wanted fugitive.
:'''Evan''': But you can be anybody.
:'''Beast''': With a beast inside trying to claw its way out, I just can't risk it.
:'''Charles''': What you need, Hank, are students who know your secrets, who have secrets of their own, and who need a man of your compassion to teach them.

===Adrift===
:'''Shadowcat''': Hello? Oh, Lance. Hey, I got it, Bobby! Get off the phone! Sorry. So what's going on? Oh. Yeah right, I can totally see us walking around the mall together. What makes you think I wanna- ''[Nightcrawler clears his throat; Shadowcats looks, gasps, and sees at a muscular Nightcrawler]''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Hey, Kitty. How's it going?
:'''Shadowcat''': Uh, hey let me think about it. I'll call you back. ''(she hangs up and laughs)'' What have you done to yourself? ''[Nightcrawler walks over to her]''
:'''Nightcrawler''': I've been working out. Can you tell? ''[his muscular form disappears back to his regular form]'' Oh bummer. ''[he walks out of Shadowcat's room; Shadowcat laughs]''
:'''Shadowcat''': You shouldn't be messing with your image inducer, Kurt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beast''': ''[Looking around at all of the melted snow from the mutant snowball fight]'' Well, so much for our winter wonderland. I can see now that teaching mutants will require entirely different skills. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': Hey. Welcome back, sailor.
:'''Cyclops''' ''(grinning)'': Uh, thanks... ma'am.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Ma'am? What's that suppose to mean? ''[he looks in the mirror to see a feminine version of him; he gasps]'' Professor!
:'''Professor Xavier''': I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. ''[he, Jean, and Cyclops laugh and so does Nightcrawler]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spyke''': ''[to an overweight Kurt]'' Dude, lay off the burger bombs.

===On Angel's Wings===
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''' ''(noticing Kurt holding a mistletoe above her head)'': Kurt! In your dreams!
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler|Nightcrawler]]''': All in the holiday spirit! ''(he closes his eyes and puckers his lips)''
:'''Shadowcat''' ''(standing up and running away)'': Kurt! Knock it off! ''(Nightcrawler chases her)''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Come on, Kitty! Just one little kiss? Pleeaase? ''[Nightcrawler and Shadowcat run past Professor Xavier and Wolverine]'' 
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Ah, to be young again.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': Yeah... glad that's over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beast (comics)|Beast]]''': Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. 
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Shakespeare?
:'''[[w:Beast (comics)|Beast]]''': The Bible.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': You mean he's some kind of demon?
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]'''(sarcastically): Yeah, right!
:'''[[w:Beast (comics)|Beast]]''': &quot;There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.&quot;
:'''Rogue''': Now ''that's'' Shakespeare.
:''(About Angel and his recent vigilantism.)''

=== Joyride (2.09) ===
:''[About letting Avalanche join the X-Men.]''
:'''Cyclops''': Professor, I think this is a mistake. I ''know'' Lance; he wouldn't do this unless he wanted something.
:'''Professor X''': Yes, I agree. What he wants, is to be near Kitty.
:'''Cyclops''': But-
:'''Professor X''': I believe he's genuine about his feelings for her. And maybe, that's a good beginning. Now, let's give him a chance.
:'''Professor X''': Well, fortunately, there's no official mention of the incident. The military must believe it was a UFO sighting, so they are, no doubt, covering it up.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Now all I've got to do is wax the X-Jet and my probation is history. ''[Sees that the X-Jet is messed up, dismayed]'' Oh, man! This is gonna take a lot of wax!
:'''Professor X''': That's all right, Kurt. Consider your probation over. (As Kurt takes off celebrating, Xavier turns toward the new arrivals) Yours, however, is just beginning. And you can start by cleaning the X-Jet.

=== Mindbender (2.10) ===
:''[Rogue cranks the Jack-in-the-Box until Mesmero's face pops up.]''
:'''Rogue''': The mind-bending Mesmero. He was in Bayville last week with that circus of mystery.
:'''Charles''': Then we need to attend their next engagement.
:'''Hank''': ''[Enters]'' Professor. The last remaining ring? It resides in Washington D.C., at the Museum of Eastern Antiquities.

----
:''[After telekinetically knocking Charles down, Mesmero goes into the tent. His control over the other X-Men finally wears off.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': ''[Relieved]'' Whoa. ''[Confused]'' What's going on? How did we get here?
:'''Wolverine''': ''[Massaging his injured shin]'' Yeah, sure, now you're all better.
:''[Jean slowly wakes up.]''
:'''Cyclops''': ''[Crouches down to help Jean up]'' Easy, Jean.
:'''Jean''': Scott?
:'''Cyclops''': I'm right here. Everything's okay.
:''[Rogue puts Charles back in his wheelchair, then uses the telekinesis she absorbed from Jean to tear apart the tent, but realizes that Mesmero is gone.]''
:'''Rogue''': ''[Realizes that Mesmero is gone]'' Hey! Where'd he go?!
:'''Beast''': ''[To Charles]'' Are you all right? Did Mesmero hurt you?
:'''Charles''': Not Mesmero, Hank. Mesmero was just another puppet, like Jean. There was someone else pulling the strings. A mind more powerful than anything I've ever encountered.
:'''Wolverine''': What could he possibly want with those rings?
:'''Charles''': I really don't know, but I doubt we'll like the answer.

=== Shadow Dance (2.11) ===
:''[Wolverine and Nightcrawler escape from a pack of vicious reptilian demons in the &quot;bamf&quot; dimension.]''
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': Well I'd say they were pretty hostile. Wouldn't you?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Meltdown (comics)|Boom-Boom]]''': Oh, come on! I don't look ''that'' bad!
:''(to Toad and Blob, who scream at the sight of a &quot;bamf&quot; demon, just as she exits the washroom.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The demons attack guests at the Bayville High Dance. One goes for Kurt and Amanda.]''
:'''[[w:Amanda Sefton|Amanda]]''': Kurt! Get us out of here!
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': How? We're trapped!
:'''Amanda''': Make us disappear! Hurry! I've seen you do it! ''Please''!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amanda''': You know, blue really is my favorite color.
:''(to Nightcrawler, after he reveals his true physical form to her.)''

=== Retreat (2.12) ===
:''[After Beast returns from his chaotic nightly rampage.]''
:'''[[w:Beast (comics)|Beast]]''': I don't know what to say... I am so sorry about this.
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Well, it was bound to happen.
:'''Beast''': What do you mean?
:'''Professor Xavier''': What was it the last time... You attended a drive-in movie, hidden in the bed of a pick-up truck?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': How much do you know about the Redwoods?
:'''[[w:Iceman (comics)|Iceman]]''': Only that they make great hot tubs.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beast''': Journey? Where can you go when you can't be seen by the public?
:''(to Professor Xavier, after he is advised to go on a trip to find himself.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Beast announces his pick of students for an impromptu field trip to Redwood Forest.]''
:'''Iceman''': ''Me''? But my grades are improving!
:'''Beast''': Uh-huh. With the speed of a glacier. You, too, Evan.
:'''[[w:Spyke|Spyke]]''': Aw, come on, teach! Can't I do my studying somewhere else! Like going to the park! There's green stuff there!
:''(Beast looms in on Spyke in a mock-threatening way, cornering him by the door.)''
:'''Spyke''': ...do these forests have sidewalks?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Sunspot finishes covering the X-Jet in an ample amount of branches.]''
:'''[[w:Wolfsbane (comics)|Wolfsbane]]''': It was plenty camouflaged!
:'''[[w:Sunspot (comics)|Sunspot]]''': A few more branches couldn't hurt.
:'''Wolfsbane''': I smell overachiever issues.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beast''': Send me an e-mail, and I'll take your complaint under &quot;advisement&quot;.
:''(to Spyke, as the latter protests at the beginning of the trek.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beast''': This is not who I am.
:'''Shadowcat''': Maybe it's who you're meant to be.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beast''': You can't go back either, huh?
:''(to a stranded fish beached on the side of a river.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Beast assigns the students to find five different types of rocks.]''
:'''Wolfsbane''': Five samples. I guess a go getter like you will bring back ten.
:'''Sunspot''': Maybe twelve. You see, the first five are like a cake; the rest are like the icing. And I like icing.
:'''Wolfsbane''': I ''thought'' you were putting on a little weight.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Big Foot Fanatic''': ...is he wearing ''trunks''?
:''(about Beast, whom has been accidentally caught on tape and mistaken as Big Foot.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Big Foot Fanatic''': It looks like we've got ourselves [[w:The Real McCoy|the real McCoy]].
:''(about Beast, after the expedition successfully captures him.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Two hunters are searching for Bigfoot, using whistles that replicate animal calls]''
:'''Hunter 1''': Where I can I get one of those?
:'''Hunter 2''': Bigfoot trading post. Ask for [[wikipedia:Fox Mulder|Mulder]]
''[Beast swings in the trees above them while [[The X-Files]] theme plays]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Big Foot Research Scientist''': This is a wonder of Nature! It is our duty to respect it!
:'''Hunter 1''': What? It's not like we're going to make a rug out of it!
:'''Hunter 2''': A ''coat'', maybe, but not a rug.
:''(about the captive Beast, after the hunters comment how much Big Foot will be worth in the market.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Big Foot Research Scientist''': Good Heavens! You ''can'' speak!
:''(to a captive Beast, as the latter attempts to strike up a friendly intellectual conversation with him.)''

=== Walk on the Wild Side (2.13) ===
:''[After Boom-Boom barges into the bathroom without knocking, effectively interrupting Toad.]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Man! I take one shower a month, and still I get no privacy!
:'''Boom Boom''': Here, you dropped the soap.
''[She drops bombs into the bath, causing water to spill out along with a screaming Todd]''
:'''Boom Boom''': ''[to Blob, who is walking upstairs]'' Ya know, Freddie, [[w:Mohawk hairstyle|mohawks]] are ''so'' last century. ''[to Avalanche, who is rummaging around in the fridge]'' Lance! Any gas in your [[w:jeep|jeep]]?
:'''Avalanche''': Yeah. Why?
''[Boom Boom drives off in Lance's jeep]''
:'''Avalanche''': She's taken my ride!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Magma (comics)|Magma]]''': Look, didn't your mother teach you not to pick on girls?!
:'''[[w:chop shop|Chop Shop]] Boss''': Oh, yeah. Yeah, too bad I never listened to her. 
:'''Boom Boom''': Well, guess what, braindead? She was right! And here's why!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Cyclops and Nightcrawler are on a stake-out watching for the girls]''
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Blue Boy to Tracker One. Do you read? The pigeons are leaving the roost.
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': Kurt, I'm right here... and why are you talking like that?

=== The HeX Factor (2.15) ===
:'''[[w:Meltdown (comics)|Boom-Boom]]''': Let me guess: you must be Mistic.
:'''[[w:Mystique (comics)|Mystique]]''': Try ''Mystique''. This is my home, and my rules. Rule Number One: Move out of my room. Think you can handle that, ''Bam-Bam''?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mystique''': Gentlemen, meet your new secret weapon.
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Quicksilver]]''': Wanda?!
:'''[[w:Scarlet Witch|Scarlet Witch]]''': Pietro?! 
:''[Scarlet Witch goes into a rage and starts using her powers against the Brotherhood.]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Ex-girlfriend?
:'''Quicksilver''': Worse! She's my ''sister!''
:'''Toad''': Your sister?
:'''Lance''': Whoa! You two need some serious family councilling!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Boom-Boom''': Room's all yours, ''Mys-tique''!
:''[after blowing up said room with her time bombs.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': ... So? What does it need?
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Something to wash out the taste.
:''[about the rubbery muffins Shadowcat made for Home Economics class.]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shadowcat''': Ok, how do these taste after my last six batches?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Nightcrawler''': Well, better do as he says. ''[Nightcrawler teleports, dropping Kitty's muffin, which cracks the floor tiles]''
:'''Shadowcat''': ''[to Cyclops]'' Muffin?

==Season 3 (2002)==
=== Day of Recovery (3.01)===
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Oooh, beautiful ''and'' bad.
:''(at Scarlet Witch, after she hexes a number of pursuing troops.)''

----
:''[The Brotherhood house: The police cars are parked outside. Toad, hanging a bag on his shoulder, hops on the roof, then hops down on the ground. He is grabbed by Lance, who pulls him into the back of the house.]''
:'''Lance''': ''[Searches through the bag]'' Hey, Toad! Where are our clothes? ''[Pulls out Wanda's nightgown]'' This is all just Wanda's stuff! ''[Wanda snatches her nightgown from him]''
:'''Toad''': Yeah, well, who cares what we wear. ''[To Wanda]'' I'd go with the, uh, black apres, red top, and matching ruby choker.
:''[Wanda shoves Toad away and walks away.]''
:'''Toad''': ''[Sighs dreamily]'' She makes a guy wanna&amp;ndash; brush his teeth.

----
:''[The lookout point: Wolverine is looking at the destroyed institute through binoculars. He growls.]''
:'''Shadowcat''': Now what? The institute's gone, the professor's missing, we can't go back to school, and it's open season on mutants.
:'''Nightcrawler''': Well, look at the bright side, no homework.
:'''Jean Grey''': ''[Approaches Cyclops]'' Scott, it's not all your fault.
:'''Cyclops''': Yeah, right. Face it, Jean, I blew it. I gambled and I lost. Without Mystique, there's no way to find the professor.
:'''Wolverine''': ''[Approaches Cyclops and Jean, to Cyclops]'' Hey, if you hadn't have done it, I would have. We'll find him without her.
:'''Storm''': But right now, we have a world out there to worry about: A world that fears us. Somehow, we must teach them that we're the good guys, before it's too late.

===The Stuff of Heroes (3.02)===
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': ''[Seeing herself on TV, outraged]'' Normal?! Look at me! I look fat! ''[To Logan]'' Do I look that fat to you?
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': Shh. Pipe down, would ya? We're tryin' to keep a low profile.
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': Well, I am ''not'' buyin' these cupcakes. ''[Puts back the cupcakes]''
:''(about the news broadcast revealing her as a mutant.)''

----
:''[After Nightcrawler teleports upside-down, but attains reception on the pocket television he is carrying.]''
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': Oh, man! I'm trapped here!

----
:'''Nightcrawler''': Do you ''mind''? You're in my personal space!
:''(to Shadowcat, as she phases halfway through him to get a better view of the television.)''

----
:''(Nightcrawler, along with Shadowcat, teleports into an attacking helicopter.)''
:'''Nightcrawler''': Hi! I'm Nightcrawler, and this is Shadowcat.
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': And this is your weapons system.
:''(Shadowcat phases through the controls, short-circuiting them.)''
:'''Both''': ''(Waving.)'' Bye!

----
:'''[[w:Juggernaut (comics)|Juggernaut]]''': What are you trying to do? ''Embarass'' me to death? Come on, gimme your best shot!
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': You know, that's just what I had in mind. ''[starts to use his eye blasts against Juggernaut]''
:'''Juggernaut''': You think that fancy visor's gonna stop me?! NOTHING stops me! '''I'M RAW POWER!!!'''
:'''Cyclops''': Yeah? You want it raw, tough guy? Then take it RAW! ''[removes his visor and uses his powers at full force]''

----
:''[After the X-Men defeat the Juggernaut and save the dam.]''
:'''Senator''': Er... what did they just do?
:'''[[w:Storm (comics)|Storm]]''': What they were trained to do: use their powers for good.

----
:'''Train Driver''': ''[to police officer, showing him Juggernaut in train]'' See, I told you. He jumped on at Roseburg and look at the size of him!
:'''Officer''': All right step on out here big guy! Nice and easy
:'''Juggernaut''': ''[sighs]'' You do not want to do this.
:'''Officer''': ''[takes his beating stick]'' Get out of there ''now'' and identify yourself!
:'''Juggernaut''': ''[puts on helmet]'' Hm, you want to know who I am? ''[gets up and jumps through roof of train car]'' Juggernaut! ''[pushes them aside and walks off]''

----
:''[The X-Men discover Charles in Juggernaut's holding tank.]''
:'''Jean''': Professor! ''[To the technician]'' Is he all right?
:'''Technician''': Yes, he'll be fine. We had no idea.
:'''Cyclops''': Just get him out of there.
:'''Technician''': ''[Types on the keyboard to open the tank]'' I don't understand how anyone could get Juggernaut out, let alone get Professor Xavier in.
:'''Rogue''': That's Mystique.
:'''Jean''': We've learned never to underestimate her.
:''[Wolverine arrives.]''
:'''Wolverine''': ''[To Cyclops]'' Good job. ''[Cyclops nods]''
:''[The tank opens. Cyclops steps inside and holds Charles as he wakes up.]''
:'''Cyclops''': Easy, professor. Everything is gonna be okay.

----
:'''President''': My fellow Americans - ''all'' my fellow Americans, human and mutant - I stand before you now to clear the X-Men of all wrongdoing in the giant Sentinel robot disaster. The real criminal suspect behind the Sentinel weapon has been arrested and charged. This has caught us all by surprise, but isn't reason for any of us to judge people solely by their differences. To put it as simply as I can, we need to learn more. We need to be open-minded. And we need to give this mutant question more time.

===Mainstream (3.03)===
:''[Jubilee hands her father her suitcases. Her father takes them and puts them in the trunk of the car, as Logan and Charles look on.]''
:'''Logan''': ''[Sighs]'' First Rahne, now Jubilee. I can't believe parents are pulling their kids out of here. Do they really it'll any better for 'em at home?
:'''Charles''': I hate to admit it, Logan, but I would probably do the same thing.
:''[Jubilee drives away with her father, as Logan and Charles look on.]''
:'''Charles''': After all, I promised them their children would be safe here. Obviously, that hasn't been the case.
:'''Logan''': This is my fault. ''[Zips up his jacket and tugs it]'' I shoulda caught Mystique's scent when she was here posing as you.
:'''Charles''': And I should have sensed her in Wanda's hospital room before she abducted me. But the fact is, with her advanced shape-changing abilities, she's now able to conceal herself completely from us.
:'''Logan''': Yeah, well&amp;ndash; ''[Walks away from Charles]'' I still shoulda known. I'm going for a ride, Charles.

----
:'''Duncan:''' Jean, I want you to know: This doesn't change a thing.
:'''[[w:Jean Grey |Jean]]:''' It doesn't?
:'''Duncan:''' Of Course Not. I'm prepared to overlook your problem.
:'''Jean:''' Problem?
:'''Duncan:''' Yeah. We could really use your mind-reading powers to good use, like during exams...
:'''Jean:''' You...you lug head! We are ''so'' through!

----
:'''[[w:Colossus (comics)|Colossus]]''': When you tire of the discrimination, Magneto offers you the chance to join him.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': So I can become a lackey like you?! I don't think so!
:'''Colossus''': I am not a lackey! I... I have no choice.

----
:'''[[w:Blob (comics)|Blob]]''': We don't go anywhere we ain't wanted.
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Since when?

----
:'''Toad''': If you can't be cool, be feared. My momma always told me that!

----
:'''Kid''': Hey, what's your special power? Can you, like, read my mind?
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': Yeah, like I could find it.

----
:'''[[w:Shadowcat (comics)|Shadowcat]]''': This is the real you, isn't it?! You're nothing but a hood!
:'''[[w:Avalanche (comics)|Avalanche]]''': Right. I'll ''never'' be good enough for ''you''!

----
:''[Logan is walking when he sees the X-Men walking past him on their way to Sub-Level 7.]''
:'''Logan''': There a funeral I don't know about?
:'''Scott''': Could say that. We dug our own graves last night.

===Blind Alley===
:''Note'': Scott and Jean's platonic feelings for each other strengthens into pure romance.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': Logan, have you ever... you know... really cared for someone?
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': Pliers.
:'''Cyclops''': ''[tosses wire strippers]'' I mean, you felt it so strong you couldn't even get the words out?
:'''Wolverine''': Yeah, once. Most beautiful bike I ever saw. I was so speechless someone else bought her. ''[groans]'' Not wire strippers, ''pliers''! Use your eyes, kid!
:'''Cyclops''': Problem is, how's the guy supposed to know if the girl feels the same way?
:'''Wolverine''': Look, here's how I see it: I'd like to finish this job before New Years. So if you don't tell her, ''I will''.

===X-Treme Measures (3.06)===
:''[Evan pours himself a glass of milk, which he drinks, then pours himself another glass.]''
:'''Ray''': Evan. Quit zoning out, man. How 'bout sharing some of that milk?
:''[Evan pushes the milk carton towards Ray. As Ray takes the carton, Evan discovers that his hand is covered in bone plates, prompting him to cover it with his other hand.]''
:'''Ray''': Thanks. ''[Pours milk into his bowl of cereal]''
:''[Evan stands up and carries his bowl to the sink.]''
:'''Ray''': Hey, uh, you entering that Pow-R8 skate this morning?
:'''Evan''': ''[Puts his bowl in the sink]'' Yeah, why?
:'''Ray''': 'Cause I think it's about to start.
:''[Evan turns to look at the clock.]''

----
:''[Ray slowly frees his body from Torpid's immobilizing touch. Scaleface approaches him and transforms into a dragon.]''
:'''Ray''': Scaleface! You gotta let me go!
:''[Ray blasts the manhole cover into the air and climbs out. He dodges Scaleface's hand as she tries to grab him. As Ray runs down the street, he pulls out his phone and calls Charles.]''
:'''Ray''': ''[On his phone]'' Professor, I know where Evan is!

----
:''[Charles closes the door of his car.]''
:'''Charles''': Logan, let's go home. ''[Buckles his seatbelt]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[In the driver's seat wearing the driver's hat, shocking Charles]'' Logan said I could drive. Hang on, we'll be there in a jiffy!
:''[Kitty drives away, with Charles pressed up against the window in terror.]''

=== The Toad, the Witch and the Wardrobe (3.07)===
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Quicksilver]]''': May I remind you losers that Magneto put me in charge of this group for a reason? The only chance you have of joining his new group is if you guys can prove you can work together as a team. And that, my friends, takes leadership. Strong, decisive, fearless- WANDA! Don't tell her I'm here!
:''[Quicksilver hides in a closet as Scarlet Witch storms into the Brotherhood home.]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Babycakes, you've come back to me.
:'''[[w:Scarlet Witch|Scarlet Witch]]''': Where is he?!
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Pietro? He's in the closet.
:''[Wanda uses her powers to rip away the door.]''
:'''Quicksilver''': Thanks a lot, wart boy!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': That was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Sefton.
:'''Amanda's Mother''': Well, it was sweet of you to offer to do the dishes.
:'''[[w:Amanda Sefton|Amanda]]''': Oh, Kurt is very considerate. He gets good grades, too. ''And'' he has the nicest friends.
:''[Immediately before Toad crashes into the Sefton cottage and tries to steal Nightcrawler's portable holo-projector.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Toad accidentally slips into the sink.]''
:'''Toad''': ''EW!'' I touched soap!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Toad has destroyed Amanda's house and stolen Kurt's image inducer, revealing his true self]''
:'''Amanda''': ''[weakly]'' So, who wants dessert?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Wanda is taking some books out of the bookcase and putting them in a box, with Toad looking on.]''
:'''Toad''': Okay, okay. Let me get this straight. You mean, you're not mad at your father no more?
:'''Wanda''': Not really. I know I was once, but&amp;ndash; it's funny. I just can't seem to remember why. It's all a blur.
:'''Toad''': Man! They really did a number on your head. Well, let me enlighten you, Snookums. Uh, see, when you were a kid&amp;ndash;
:''[Pietro speeds by, grabbing Toad and taking him to the kitchen.]''
:'''Pietro''': Are you nuts?! Why do you wanna start all that again?!
:'''Toad''': Hey, I was just&amp;ndash;
:'''Pietro''': Look, she's a lot happier with all those memories gone, which means she'll stop looking for Magneto, which means she'll stick around here near you.
:'''Toad''': Ha ha ha. You got a point. Okay, I'll keep my mouth shut. Besides, if she can get over hating her father, then there's hope for me yet.
:''[Toad hops back to Wanda.]''

===Self-Possessed (3.08)===
:'''Jamie''': Come on, Kitty, just wear it for a while.
:'''Kitty''': Jamie, I said no.
:''(Jamie makes a sad face)''
:'''Kitty''': Oh alright, but this does not mean we're on a date.
:'''Jamie''': It doesn't? {places corsage on kitty}
:'''Kitty''': Listen, you were the only one who didn't have plans. Besides you're, like, 12 years old. 
:'''Jamie''': But Roberto lent me his suit and everything. He expects a full report.
:'''Kitty''': Jamie!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Rogue is inside the infirmary recovering, with Logan by her side. Charles is outside looking on.]''
:'''Scott''': ''[Approaches Charles]'' How long has he been in there?
:'''Charles''': He's never left her side.
:'''Scott''': But she is recovering, right?
:'''Charles''': Yes&amp;ndash; slowly. However, having all of those personalities driven out has left her very fragile. And her toughest challenge still awaits her: Coming to term with who Risty really was, and who Mystique really is.
:''[Inside the infirmary.]''
:'''Logan''': Hmm. I won't lie to you, kid. Getting over this ain't gonna be easy. Something about&amp;ndash; betrayal always sticks with you, but trust me, you'll learn to deal with it. ''[Takes Rogue's hand]'' You move on, and&amp;ndash; you let your real friends be there for you.
:''[Rogue's hand squeezes Logan's, which Logan notices and smiles. Rogue, having woken up, sheds tears of happiness.]''

===Cruise Control===
:''(Cyclops and Jean Grey show outright affection for each other.)''
:'''[[w:Shadowcat|Shadowcat]]''': Oh, man. Are they for real?
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': ''[imitating]'' &quot;Jean, darling, please accept this croissant as a symbol of my love.&quot;
:'''Shadowcat''': &quot;Oh, Scott... you have such a way with pastry...&quot;

===X23 (3.11)===
:'''Deborah Risman''': My job there ''[HYDRA]'' was to create a weapon. The perfect weapon. Based on data HYDRA had stolen from a project codenamed: Weapon X. But I failed. Time and time again. Twenty-two times to be precise. Twenty-three was the charm once we realized where to look for the answers. It was you, Weapon...uh, Wolverine. Your healing factor was the key. Therefore, we... ''acquired'' your DNA.
:'''Wolverine''': You...cloned me?
:'''Deborah Risman''': Not entirely. I had to make a few genetic variations. Unfortunately, that caused some...instability. X-23 became volatile. Dangerous. Our efforts to breed out emotions left behind...explosive anger. I succeeded in creating the ultimate weapon.
:'''Wolverine''': But then you couldn't control it.
:'''Deborah Risman''': She's out there, somewhere. And she must be found.

----
:'''Deborah Risman''': HYDRA molded her from birth. Removing all distractions. Isolating her from all attachments...or love.
:'''Wolverine''': And yet you just let it all happen.
:'''Deborah Risman''': It was made very clear that I could leave if I disapproved. For her sake, I chose to stay. We trained her how to blend in naturally with others. But when she watched children having fun, witnessed loving families... unexpected hostilities emerged. When she was twelve... they put her through the Weapon X process.
:'''Wolverine''': Enough! She's a ''child'', not a weapon! ''[Growls]'' How do you sleep at night?
:'''Deborah Risman''': I don't. That's why I'm here. To help her. To try and undo some of the damage I've done.

----
:''[Scott and Ray see that the person trying to enter is Rogue.]''
:'''Rogue''': ''[Recoils in fright]'' Stop, it's me!
:''[Scott and Ray sigh in relief before the former grabs and pulls Rogue in, then closes the doors.]''
:'''Rogue''': What's going on?
:'''Scott''': Someone's infiltrated the institute. They've already taken down the professor.
:'''Rogue''': ''[Horrified]'' Oh, no.
:'''Ray''': ''[Crouches down in front of Charles]'' It's small, but I think I can zap it off without hurting him.
:''[Ray charges and moves his hand over the device on Charles' head, ready to zap it off.]''
:'''Logan''': ''[Bursts in]'' Don't! Those things are wired to explode.
:''[Ray recoils in horror.]''
:'''Scott''': Logan, who's doing all this?
:'''Logan''': We gotta get you three outta here.
:'''Scott''': No! I'm not leaving without the others.
:'''Rogue''': Me neither.
:'''Ray''': I'm staying, too.
:''[Logan growls in anger.]''

----
:'''Wolverine''': ''[taking over training from Beast]'' The course has a new objective today.
:'''New mutants''': ''[collective groan]''
:'''Wolverine''': It's called....Mutant Dodgeball.
:'''New mutants''': ''[collective cheer]''
:'''Iceman''': Yes! I am ''so'' good at this game!
:'''Wolverine''': Oh, and extra credit for anyone who takes out the ice cube.
:'''Iceman''': ''[Shocked]'' What?!
:'''Professor Xavier''': Why the change of tactics, Logan?
:'''Wolverine''': Sometimes, you gotta let kids just be kids.

=== Dark Horizon, Part 1 (3.12)===
:''[The X-Men and the New Mutants are preparing breakfast, Ray using a blender to make a milkshake, Kurt setting the table, Amara frying eggs, Scott opening a bag of bagels and taking out a bagel, Bobby eating an apple and icing everyone's drinks, and Jean using a toaster. Rogue, still having a headache, enters and sees the X-Men and the New Mutants having breakfast, Bobby carrying a bowl of fruit, Ray pouring himself a drink, Kurt eating eggs, and Kitty phasing into the fridge to get a milk carton, some jelly and butter, and an orange juice carton. She phases out and throws the three Jamie clones the milk carton, jelly, and butter, and Roberto the orange juice carton. The three Jamie clones catch the milk carton, jelly, and butter, while Roberto catches the orange juice carton.]''
:'''Rogue''': I think I'm gonna pass on breakfast. ''[Walks away]''

----
:(After Gambit breaks up a fight between Wolverine and Sabertooth.)
:'''Gambit''': &quot;Look, it ain't about you two pitbulls! Let's go find Rogue.&quot;

=== Dark Horizon, Part 2===
(Gambit, Sabertooth, and Wolverine are tracking Rogue on a snowy mountain)
:'''Sabertooth''': (Sniffs)
:'''Wolverine''': (Sniffs) &quot;Hm, three of them, and since I can't detect a third scent, it must be Mystique.&quot;
:'''Gambit''': &quot;How 'bout you guys stop sniffin' everything and follow the footprints!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
(Shadowcat and Nightcrawler under the Sphinx)
:'''Shadowcat''': (To Nightcrawler) &quot;I think we're close. Why don't you go up and join the Professor? I'll look for the others.&quot;
:'''Nightcrawler''': (Regarding Colossus) And leave you alone with Steel Face? Forget it, he shouldn't be trusted.&quot;
:'''Shadowcat''': &quot;Oh, he's not that bad, kind of a softy if you ask me. He's just so quiet.&quot;
:'''Colossus''': (After breaking through a wall to regroup with them) &quot;I, I grew concerned.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
(Gambit, Sabertooth, and Wolverine just fended off a mental attack by Mesmaro)
:'''Wolverine''': &quot;Xavier's mental blocks just saved our lives.&quot;
:'''Sabertooth''': (To Wolverine) &quot;Especally yours, Mesmero was telling me to push you off the mountain. Problem is; I'm still tempted.&quot;
:'''Gambit''': &quot;Do me a favor, why don't you both jump off the mountain!&quot;

== Season 4 ==
=== Impact (4.01) ===
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Hello, McFly!
:''(to Mystique, now a stone statue, as he raps on her head.)'' [a reference to the [[w:Back to the Future trilogy|Back to the Future trilogy]]; Biff does this when he is annoyed with the McFlys.]

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': If you don't help her, this will haunt you for the rest of your life. Prove that you're not like her.
:''(to Rogue, in persuading her to save Mystique.)''

=== No Good Deed (4.02) ===
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Never fear, people, the Brotherhood has arrived. We'll stop that runaway train.
:'''[[Bystander]]''': Yeah, but what about the other train?
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Quicksilver]]''': Uh... What other train?
:'''Bystander''': Radio says one's coming the other way carrying eight tankers of gasoline.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''[[w:Avalanche (comics) |Avalanche]]''': Yea ''THIS&quot;LL go out with a bang.''

=== Target X (4.03) ===
:''[The Xavier Institute.]''
:'''Bobby''': I'm just saying I'm practically an X-Man. I don't need to learn this stuff. None of us do.
:'''Scott''': Look&amp;ndash; ''[Wipes an apple in his hand with a cloth]'' &amp;ndash;I understand that Jean and I aren't that much older, but we have been doing this for longer. ''[Puts down the apple on Bobby's table]''
:'''Jean''': We've learned a lot since we've been here, working with the professor, Storm, and Logan. ''[Telekinetically levitates the New Mutants into the air]''
:'''Scott''': We could say we've got experience on our side. ''[Lifts up his sunglasses and fires an optic beam that barely misses Bobby, reflects off the walls and ceiling, barely missing the New Mutants by an inch, and comes down and splits an apple on Bobby's desk in two]''
:'''Bobby''': ''[Impressed]'' Whoa.
:'''Jean''': ''[Telekinetically lowers the New Mutants back into their seats]'' Now do you guys wanna something from us old timers or not?
:''[Logan, who is outside looking on, chuckles. As Logan walks away, the doors close.]''

=== Uprising (4.05) ===
:'''[[w:Magma (comics)|Magma]]''': Hey! Accidents happen. Like, if I &quot;accidentally&quot; dropped this, it will &quot;accidentally&quot; burn a hole right through your car.
:''(to Duncan, as he threatens Cannonball.)''
:'''Duncan''': Get away from there, or I'll show you how accidents can go both ways!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Amara and Sam leave, Spyke lands in front of Duncan and his two companions.]''
:'''[[w:Spyke|Spyke]]''': As for you: threatening little girls? You're lucky I just damaged your car.
:'''[[w:Duncan Matthews|Duncan]]''': Yeah, and you think you're going to get away with messing up my ride?
:'''Spyke''': Well, I guess the question is: ''[Pops his wrist spikes]'' What are you going to do about it?
:''[Duncan backs up in fear. He and Spyke notice the former's phone on the ground. Spyke flips it to him with his wrist spike.]''
:'''Spyke''': Go ahead. Make your call. Spread the word. Tell them the mutants of Bayville are off-limits to hate crime, as of now.
:''[Spyke jumps into the sewers, shooting off two flaming arrows that blow up Duncan's car.]''
:'''Duncan''': (Into phone) Get me the police!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': When did the porcupine start shooting flaming arrows? Did I miss an upgrade notice or something?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': Maybe it slipped your notice, Chuck, but I'm not exactly the model of restraint.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Wolverine''': ''[After being told by Charles to go to the sewers instead of Storm]'' Alright, I'll try to sweet talk the kid into not smacking down creeps and thugs who deserve it. But you'll be lucky if I don't end up joining him myself.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Beast''': We, scientists, have a special term for that called &quot;I don't know...&quot;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Kid''': I'm starting to think the old lady next door might actually be one.
:''(during the news channel coverage on the public's reaction toward mutants.)''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Farmer''': What's a mutant?
:''(during the news channel coverage on the public's reaction toward mutants.)''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Jean Grey|Jean Grey]]''': Duncan, don't do this.
:'''Duncan''': Save it, Jean. My days of listening to you are over.
:'''Jean Grey''': And ''my'' days of putting up with ''you'' are over!

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Dorian Leech suddenly causes all the power to go out, including mutant power.]''
:'''[[w:Cyclops (comics)|Cyclops]]''': ''[Removes his visor and realizes]'' That kid! he's somehow supressing the energy around here. Including mutant powers.
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': ''[Wincing in pain]'' Yeah&amp;ndash; ''[Retracts his claws]'' How nice.

=== Cajun Spice (4.06) ===
:''[Wolverine invades the Acolyte base and threatens Pyro.]''
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': I'm looking for Gambit.
:'''[[w:Pyro (comics)|Pyro]]''': Watch it, mate. You're wrinkling the uniform!
:''[Pyro forms a fiery dragon and uses it to attack Wolverine.]''
:'''Pyro''': I'm ''real'' glad you dropped by, since I've been bored outta my skull!
:''[Wolverine eventually manages to destroy Pyro's flame-thrower, defeating the dragon. He then grabs Pyro.]''
:'''Wolverine''': Where's your buddies?!
:'''Pyro''': Since Magneto's gone, Colossus bailed and went back to Russia, Sabretooth's out playing with a big ball of yarn somewhere, and Gambit didn't leave a note on the fridge.
:''[Wolverine throws him back into his chair and walks away.]''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': What is it with you and cards?
:'''[[w:Gambit (comics)|Gambit]]''': Oh, it's like having fifty-two explosives in one little pocket. I always save her for last.
:'''Rogue''': Queen of Hearts?
:'''Gambit''': My lucky lady. She's gotten me out of a lot of jams.
:'''Rogue''': Then I need a deck of those.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After Rogue dangles Gambit halfway out of the train with an iron bar.]''
:'''Rogue''': I don't like getting pushed in any direction. Got it?
:'''Gambit''': Point taken. Now here's mine. ''[uses his power to charge the train car with kinetic energy]'' Pull me in, or I blow this boxcar off the tracks.
:''(Rogue finally takes back the bar and pulls Gambit in.)''
:'''Rogue''': You're just crazy enough to do it.
:'''Gambit''': We do what we have to, right cherie?

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gambit''': I'm not afraid. Go ahead: absorb my thoughts. See for yourself that I mean you no harm.
:'''Rogue''': Like I want you inside my head.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gambit's foster father''': ''(after Storm winds some crooks away)'' That chick can control the weather!
:'''Rogue''': Meet my family.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gambit''': Rogue...
:'''Rogue''': Don't. You just did the wrong thing for the right reasons.
:'''Gambit''': So, what now?
:'''Rogue''': I'm going back with the X-Men. I don't care what you do.
:'''Gambit''': Sure, you don't.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Gambit''': You'll be fine, cherie. You've got people looking out for you.

===Ghost of a Chance (4.07)===
:''[Kurt squeezes some mustard onto a hot dog. He picks up the hot dog and starts to leave, but Kitty phases in and grabs him.]''
:'''Kitty''': Where is Danielle?!
:'''Kurt''': I thought the professor talked to you about that, Kitty, there is no&amp;ndash;
:'''Kitty''': Why are you lying to me? Why is everyone lying to me?
:'''Kurt''': ''[Puts his hand on Kitty's shoulder]'' Kitty, seriously, I'm telling you the truth. I don't know any Danielle.
:'''Kitty''': ''[Realizes something]'' Wait a minute. The professor must have wiped your memories of her.
:'''Kurt''': Kitty, would you listen to yourself?
:'''Kitty''': ''[Grabs Kurt's shit]'' Teleport me to Dark Hollow.
:'''Kurt''': I can't! That's too far.
:'''Kitty''': Well&amp;ndash; then get me as close as you can.
:'''Kurt''': ''[Sighs, knowing he has no choice but to go with Kitty to Dark Hollow]'' Go get changed.

----
:''[Kitty and Kurt arrive in Dark Hollow.]''
:'''Kurt''': ''[Looks around the town]'' Whoa! This is the town of Dark Hollow?
:'''Kitty''': ''[Looks around the town]'' What happened here? ''[Hears a payphone ringing and runs to answer the call]'' Hello?
:'''Danielle''': ''[Through the phone]'' Kitty? Are you there?
:'''Kitty''': ''[On the phone]'' I'm here. Where are you?
:'''Danielle''': ''[Through the phone]'' Time is running out! Help me! Help me!
:''[The call cuts off. Kitty gasps and turns to Kurt.]''
:'''Kurt''': What are you doing?
:'''Kitty''': The phone rang. It was Danielle. She needs my help.
:'''Kurt''': Kitty&amp;ndash; ''[Takes the phone from Kitty]'' &amp;ndash;I'm worried about you.
:''[Kurt realizes that the phone is disconnected. Kitty fears the worst. She picks up the phonebook, flips through its pages, and finds Danielle's address.]''
:'''Kitty''': Here! Moonstar. 760 Maggie Blue Road.

----
:''[Kitty and Kurt are searching for Danielle.]''
:'''Kurt''': Come on, Kitty, this doesn't make any sense.
:'''Kitty''': I won't abandon my friend.
:'''Kurt''': How can she be your friend?
:'''Kitty''': I don't know, Kurt, she just is and she said time was running out.
:'''Kurt''': ''[Looks down and sees water rising from below his and Kitty's feet]'' It is for us too. This water is getting higher and higher.
:'''Kitty''': ''[Realizes something]'' That's it! The water's rising. I bet she's trapped in here.
:'''Kurt''': For two years?
:'''Kitty''': And I think I know where.

----
:''[Kitty and Kurt arrive at the place where Kitty's accident happened.]''
:'''Kitty''': This is where I met her. Something tells me she's somewhere down there.
:'''Kurt''': Why don't we just go get help?
:'''Kitty''': ''You'' get help. ''[Takes the flashlight from Kurt]'' I'm going down there!
:'''Kurt''': ''[Horrified]'' Kitty, no!
:''[Kitty dives into the water and phases into the ground.]''

----
:''[Danielle wakes up in the infirmary, with Kitty by her side.]''
:'''Kitty''': Hi. Feeling better?
:'''Danielle''': Yes.
:'''Kitty''': Good, because your grandfather will be here soon.
:'''Danielle''': Kitty, thank you for believing.
:'''Kitty''': Hey, how could I not believe?
:''[Logan, Charles, and Kurt are outside the infirmary watching Kitty and Danielle talk.]''
:'''Kitty''': When you projected yourself into my mind, everything was so real. It was like&amp;ndash; we actually became friends.
:'''Danielle''': We did.
:''[Outside the infirmary.]''
:'''Kurt''': But&amp;ndash; how did she survive down there?
:'''Charles''': It was her mutant abilities. They put her into a form of hibernation.
:'''Logan''': And she connected with Kitty through, what, some kind of out-of-body experience?
:'''Charles''': Exactly, Logan. A psychic connection that made for a most unusual friendship.

=== Ascension, Part 1===
:'''Mesmero:''' Apocalypse will trigger the dormant X gene in the normal population, turning most into mutants.
:'''Storm:''' what do you mean &quot;most&quot;?
:'''Mesmero:''' Some will not survive the wave of evolution.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[Xavier and Apocalypse communicate telepathically. An amusing note is that despite sounding very different, both characters are voiced by David Kaye]''
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': I am Charles Xavier.
:'''[[w:Apocalypse (comics)|Apocalypse]]''': I know who you are.
:'''Professor Xavier''': Then you know I've merely come to talk. To discuss what you're planning, and--
:'''Apocalypse''': I have planned nothing. I am but an instrument of destiny.
:'''Professor Xavier''': But it's a destiny of destruction.
:'''Apocalypse''': The future came to me in that craft. I have embraced it, and merged with its technology so that I may lead the evolution of the human race.
:'''Professor Xavier''': The human race does not need your help.
:'''Apocalypse''': Hmm, since when has mankind ever known what it needs?
:'''Professor Xavier''': You have to know that somehow, you will be stopped.
:'''Apocalypse''': What I know is... it will not be by you.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;

=== Ascension, Part 2===
:'''[[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]]''': Okay, teams, this is it.
Everything you've ever learned about yourselves. Your strengths and your limits It all comes down to this very moment.
Tonight we're the world's last, best hope to stop this madman.
So we're gonna trash those pyramids any way we can, no matter who we gotta go through to do it.
:'''Jean''' (''telepathically'')''':''' ''Professor, listen to me. Apocalypse has somehow taken control of you. He's making you go against everything you ever believed in, everything you devoted your life to. You will be destroying millions of lives.''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[After the Brotherhood manages to bury Magneto under debris.]''
:'''[[w:Toad (comics)|Toad]]''': Did we win?
:'''[[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Quicksilver]]''': Yeah, right, Don't you ever learn?
:'''Toad''': Oh, yeah. We never win.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jean:''' Sorry, Professor, but I have to do this. Linking with Cerebro will help me even the odds.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]]''': Where'd it go? 
:'''Wolverine''': I don't know. Hopefully it just fell through the cracks of time, never to be seen again. 
:'''Rogue''': For some reason, I don't think we'll be that lucky.
:''(About Apocalypse, after he disappears)''
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''[[w:Nightcrawler (comics)|Nightcrawler]]''': You did it, Rogue. The girl who shut herself off from the world just saved it.
:'''Rogue:''' I wish I could say I did it for the world.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Jean:''' Professor.
:'''Charles:''' Thank you, Jean.
:(''Looks sad, knowing [[w:The Dark Phoenix Saga|what she will become]] in the near future'')
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:''[In the aftermath of the victory over Apocalypse.]''
:'''[[w:Professor X|Professor Xavier]]''': Thanks to you all, we have averted catastrophe. It was not without its price, however. But steel is forged through fire, and like it, we have been made stronger. We are prepared for what the future brings. I know this, because I have glimpsed into the mind of Apocalypse. 
:''[image of protesters near Capitol Hill]''
:'''Charles:''' Many challenges still await us, but I saw some who have been our enemies become friends. 
:''[image of Magneto training the New Mutants]'' 
:'''Charles:''' And, with a heavy heart, I saw the dearest of friends become the most terrible of enemies. 
:''[image of Jean being fully taken over by [[w:Phoenix Force (comics)|the Dark Phoenix]] as it caws]''
:I saw my X-Men grow and change. ''[image of X-Men as adults]''And, of course, I saw that some people never change. ''[Image of Brotherhood as adults, then of Sentinels]''
:'''Charles:''' ''But one thing was clear &amp;ndash; that no matter what awaits us, terrible or wondrous, the X-Men will always be there, ready. And of that, I am proud.''

== See also ==
* [[X-Men]]
* [[Wolverine and the X-Men]]
* [[Astonishing X-Men]]
* [[Ultimate X-Men]]
* [[Uncanny X-Men]]
* [[Misc X-titles and Limited Series]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Kids' WB shows]]
[[Category:Marvel Comics]]
[[Category:Television programs based on comics]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Bill Russell</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Crouchbk</username>
        <id>91218</id>
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      <comment>/* About Bill Russell */</comment>
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      <text bytes="2622" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Bill Russell in the Green Room.jpg|thumb|Bill Russell]]

'''[[w:Bill Russell|William Felton Russell]]''' ([[February 12]], [[1934]] – [[July 31]], [[2022]]) was a former U.S. basketball player of the Boston Celtics, remembered for his central role in the Celtics dynasty that won eleven NBA championships in thirteen seasons.

== Sourced ==
* He told me he couldn't wait for the basketball season to end, so he could go back to baseball and get out of shape.
** On former [[w:Boston Celtics|Celtic]] teammate [[w:Gene Conley|Gene Conley]], who doubled as a major league pitcher; as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/1990-04-29/sports/sp-400_1_don-zimmer &quot;Morning Briefing: Craig Never Asked Zimmer, but He Got the Plane Truth&quot;] by Harley Tinkham, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 29, 1990)

* To me, one of the most beautiful things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common goal, alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. I tried to do that, we all tried to do that, on the Celtics. I think we succeeded.
** [http://www.nba.com/history/players/russell_bio.html]

* &quot;What do you think of the Chicago Bulls winning three in a row?&quot; -- Russell: &quot;Not much.&quot;
** In perspective, Russell won eight times in a row with the Celtics.
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

== About Bill Russell ==
* How much does that guy make a year? It would be to our advantage if we paid him off for five years to get away from us in the rest of this series.
** Hall-of-Fame player Dolph Schayes
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

* '''Tony DiNozzo''': William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game... One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. [[Red Auerbach|Red]]'s watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?&lt;br&gt;'''Leroy Jethro Gibbs''': &quot;Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win.&quot;
** ''[[NCIS (season 6)|NCIS]]'', Episode 6.08, &quot;Cloak&quot; (2008)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Russell, Bill}}
[[Category:1934 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Basketball players from the United States]]
[[Category:Basketball coaches]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:People from Louisiana]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2873" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Bill Russell in the Green Room.jpg|thumb|Bill Russell]]

'''[[w:Bill Russell|William Felton Russell]]''' ([[February 12]], [[1934]] – [[July 31]], [[2022]]) was a former U.S. basketball player of the Boston Celtics, remembered for his central role in the Celtics dynasty that won eleven NBA championships in thirteen seasons.

== Sourced ==
* He told me he couldn't wait for the basketball season to end, so he could go back to baseball and get out of shape.
** On former [[w:Boston Celtics|Celtic]] teammate [[w:Gene Conley|Gene Conley]], who doubled as a major league pitcher; as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/1990-04-29/sports/sp-400_1_don-zimmer &quot;Morning Briefing: Craig Never Asked Zimmer, but He Got the Plane Truth&quot;] by Harley Tinkham, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 29, 1990)

* To me, one of the most beautiful things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common goal, alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. I tried to do that, we all tried to do that, on the Celtics. I think we succeeded.
** [http://www.nba.com/history/players/russell_bio.html]

* &quot;What do you think of the Chicago Bulls winning three in a row?&quot; -- Russell: &quot;Not much.&quot;
** In perspective, Russell won eight times in a row with the Celtics.
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

== About Bill Russell ==
* How much does that guy make a year? It would be to our advantage if we paid him off for five years to get away from us in the rest of this series.
** Hall-of-Fame player Dolph Schayes
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

* [The sound of Russell throwing up] is a welcome sound, too, because it means he's keyed up for the game, and around the locker room we grin and say, 'Man, we're going to be all right tonight.'
** Coach and former Celtics player {{w|John Havlicek}}

* '''Tony DiNozzo''': William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game... One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. [[Red Auerbach|Red]]'s watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?&lt;br&gt;'''Leroy Jethro Gibbs''': &quot;Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win.&quot;
** ''[[NCIS (season 6)|NCIS]]'', Episode 6.08, &quot;Cloak&quot; (2008)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Russell, Bill}}
[[Category:1934 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Basketball players from the United States]]
[[Category:Basketball coaches]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:People from Louisiana]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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      <comment>start a section, move a quote, add images — a bit more to do on this page — but I might not get back to all of it immediately...</comment>
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      <text bytes="8300" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Bill Russell in the Green Room.jpg|thumb| I'm a pretty direct man. You say something I like, I'll tell you so; you say something I don't like, I'll tell you also. A diplomat I'm not.]]
'''[[w:Bill Russell|William Felton Russell]]''' ([[12 February]] [[1934]] – [[31 July]] [[2022]]) was a former U.S. basketball player of the [[w:Boston Celtics|Boston Celtics]], remembered for his central role in the Celtics dynasty that won eleven NBA championships in thirteen seasons.

== Quotes ==
[[File:BillRussellCeltics1.jpg|thumb|I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best.]]

* He told me he couldn't wait for the basketball season to end, so he could go back to baseball and get out of shape.
** On former [[w:Boston Celtics|Celtic]] teammate [[w:Gene Conley|Gene Conley]], who doubled as a major league pitcher; as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/1990-04-29/sports/sp-400_1_don-zimmer &quot;Morning Briefing: Craig Never Asked Zimmer, but He Got the Plane Truth&quot;] by Harley Tinkham, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 29, 1990)

* &quot;What do you think of the Chicago Bulls winning three in a row?&quot; -- Russell: &quot;Not much.&quot;
** In perspective, Russell won eight times in a row with the Celtics.
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

=== I'm Not Involved Anymore (1969) ===
[[File:Bill Russell dribbling Boston Celtics.jpg|thumb|There are professionals and there are mercenaries in sports. The difference between them is that the professional is involved. I was never a mercenary. If I continued to play, I'd become a mercenary because I'm not involved anymore.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://vault.si.com/vault/1969/08/04/im-not-involved-anymore 'I'M NOT INVOLVED ANYMORE', ''Sports Illustrated'' (4 August 1969)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Bill Russell with the Obamas.jpg|thumb|To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. … Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]].]]

* '''I'm a pretty direct man. You say something I like, I'll tell you so; you say something I don't like, I'll tell you also. A diplomat I'm not.''' So I'll tell you right out that there are no secret or hidden or financial or philosophical reasons behind this. I just don't feel like playing anymore. As for coaching — that prime incubator of ulcers — no, thank you. I don't want to coach anymore, either. I never considered myself primarily a coach, anyway. Anytime I was ever around a group of coaches I'd feel nervous — all that nonsense about how to &quot;handle&quot; kids, how to &quot;motivate&quot; them! I was a player. Now I'm not a player or a coach anymore.

* If you're really looking for a reason why I feel I've played enough, I'll tell you this. '''There are professionals and there are mercenaries in sports. The difference between them is that the professional is involved. I was never a mercenary.''' If I continued to play, I'd become a mercenary because I'm not involved anymore. &lt;br /&gt; I have a year to go on my contract with [[w:Boston Celtics|the Celtics]]. It's one of the most lucrative in sports, and I was very happy with it. A couple of my friends think I should at least stick out that year because of the money. Believe me, I wouldn't mind having all that money. But '''I'm not going to play basketball for money. I've been paid to play, of course, but I played for a lot of other reasons, too.'''

* '''I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best.''' I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. '''To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action.''' I tried to do that — we all tried to do that — on the Celtics. I think we [[succeeded]]. Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]]. &lt;br /&gt; Being part of that effort on the Celtics was very important to me. It helped me develop and grow, and I think it has helped prepare me for something other than playing basketball. But so far as the game is concerned, I've lost my competitive urges. If I went out to play now, the other guys would know I didn't really care. That's no way to play — it's no way to do anything.

* People didn't give us credit for being as good as we were last season. Personally, I think we won because we had the best team in the league. Some guys talked about all the stars on the other teams, and they quote statistics to show other teams were better. Let's talk about statistics. The important statistics in basketball are supposed to be points scored, rebounds and assists. But nobody keeps statistics on other important things — the good fake you make that helps your teammate score; the bad pass you force the other team to make; the good long pass you make that sets up another pass that sets up another pass that leads to a score; the way you recognize when one of your teammates has a hot hand that night and you give up your own shot so he can take it. All of those things. Those were some of the things we excelled in that you won't find in the statistics. There was only one statistic that was important to us — won and lost.

* Something everybody else but Bill Russell excelled in was giving the coach good advice. I made the decisions, but I listened an awful lot. Sometimes in practice the other guys would talk for half an hour and I wouldn't say a word. I encouraged them to tell me what they thought.

* Nobody can write a story about the Celtics and not talk about [[Red Auerbach]]. Much of my success as a professional is a result of the way he first approached me. A lot of guys said I'd never make it because I couldn't shoot. My first day with Red he told me right out that he didn't care if I never scored a point. He said they had the guys on the Celtics who could score. What he wanted from me was defense and rebounding. That suited me fine. '''He and I had one big thing in common — the will to win. ''' When he appointed me coach he just said. &quot;The job is yours.&quot; He never put pressure on me. He never even came to practice unless I invited him. Of course, I did — often. I would have been crazy not to take advantage of one of the smartest guys the game has seen. In moments of weakness, I almost like Red — a little.

== Quotes about Russell ==
* How much does that guy make a year? It would be to our advantage if we paid him off for five years to get away from us in the rest of this series.
** Hall-of-Fame player Dolph Schayes; [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

* [The sound of Russell throwing up] is a welcome sound, too, because it means he's keyed up for the game, and around the locker room we grin and say, 'Man, we're going to be all right tonight.'
** Coach and former Celtics player {{w|John Havlicek}}

* '''Tony DiNozzo''': William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game... One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. [[Red Auerbach|Red]]'s watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?&lt;br&gt;'''Leroy Jethro Gibbs''': &quot;Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win.&quot;
** ''[[NCIS (season 6)|NCIS]]'', Episode 6.08, &quot;Cloak&quot; (2008)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Russell, Bill}}
[[Category:1934 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Basketball players from the United States]]
[[Category:Basketball coaches]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:People from Louisiana]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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      <text bytes="8312" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Bill Russell in the Green Room.jpg|thumb| I'm a pretty direct man. You say something I like, I'll tell you so; you say something I don't like, I'll tell you also. A diplomat I'm not.]]
'''[[w:Bill Russell|William Felton Russell]]''' ([[12 February]] [[1934]] – [[31 July]] [[2022]]) was a former U.S. basketball player of the [[w:Boston Celtics|Boston Celtics]], remembered for his central role in the Celtics dynasty that won eleven NBA championships in thirteen seasons.

== Quotes ==
[[File:BillRussellCeltics1.jpg|thumb|I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best.]]

* He told me he couldn't wait for the basketball season to end, so he could go back to baseball and get out of shape.
** On former [[w:Boston Celtics|Celtic]] teammate [[w:Gene Conley|Gene Conley]], who doubled as a major league pitcher; as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/1990-04-29/sports/sp-400_1_don-zimmer &quot;Morning Briefing: Craig Never Asked Zimmer, but He Got the Plane Truth&quot;] by Harley Tinkham, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 29, 1990)

* &quot;What do you think of the Chicago Bulls winning three in a row?&quot; -- Russell: &quot;Not much.&quot;
** In perspective, Russell won eight times in a row with the Celtics.
** [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

=== I'm Not Involved Anymore (1969) ===
[[File:Bill Russell dribbling Boston Celtics.jpg|thumb|There are professionals and there are mercenaries in sports. The difference between them is that the professional is involved. I was never a mercenary. If I continued to play, I'd become a mercenary because I'm not involved anymore.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://vault.si.com/vault/1969/08/04/im-not-involved-anymore 'I'M NOT INVOLVED ANYMORE', ''Sports Illustrated'' (4 August 1969)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Bill Russell with the Obamas.jpg|thumb|To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. … Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]].]]

* '''I'm a pretty direct man. You say something I like, I'll tell you so; you say something I don't like, I'll tell you also. A diplomat I'm not.''' So I'll tell you right out that there are no secret or hidden or financial or philosophical reasons behind this. I just don't feel like playing anymore. As for coaching — that prime incubator of ulcers — no, thank you. I don't want to coach anymore, either. I never considered myself primarily a coach, anyway. Anytime I was ever around a group of coaches I'd feel nervous — all that nonsense about how to &quot;handle&quot; kids, how to &quot;motivate&quot; them! I was a player. Now I'm not a player or a coach anymore.

* If you're really looking for a reason why I feel I've played enough, I'll tell you this. '''There are professionals and there are mercenaries in sports. The difference between them is that the professional is involved. I was never a mercenary.''' If I continued to play, I'd become a mercenary because I'm not involved anymore. &lt;br /&gt; I have a year to go on my contract with [[w:Boston Celtics|the Celtics]]. It's one of the most lucrative in sports, and I was very happy with it. A couple of my friends think I should at least stick out that year because of the money. Believe me, I wouldn't mind having all that money. But '''I'm not going to play basketball for money. I've been paid to play, of course, but I played for a lot of other reasons, too.'''

* '''I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best.''' I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. '''To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action.''' I tried to do that — we all tried to do that — on the Celtics. I think we [[succeeded]]. Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]]. &lt;br /&gt; Being part of that effort on the Celtics was very important to me. It helped me develop and grow, and I think it has helped prepare me for something other than playing basketball. But so far as the game is concerned, I've lost my competitive urges. If I went out to play now, the other guys would know I didn't really care. That's no way to play — it's no way to do anything.

* People didn't give us credit for being as good as we were last season. Personally, I think we won because we had the best team in the league. Some guys talked about all the stars on the other teams, and they quote statistics to show other teams were better. Let's talk about statistics. The important statistics in basketball are supposed to be points scored, rebounds and assists. But nobody keeps statistics on other important things — the good fake you make that helps your teammate score; the bad pass you force the other team to make; the good long pass you make that sets up another pass that sets up another pass that leads to a score; the way you recognize when one of your teammates has a hot hand that night and you give up your own shot so he can take it. All of those things. Those were some of the things we excelled in that you won't find in the statistics. '''There was only one statistic that was important to us — won and lost.'''

* Something everybody else but Bill Russell excelled in was giving the coach good advice. I made the decisions, but I listened an awful lot. Sometimes in practice the other guys would talk for half an hour and I wouldn't say a word. I encouraged them to tell me what they thought.

* '''Nobody can write a story about the Celtics and not talk about [[Red Auerbach]]. Much of my success as a professional is a result of the way he first approached me.''' A lot of guys said I'd never make it because I couldn't shoot. My first day with Red he told me right out that he didn't care if I never scored a point. He said they had the guys on the Celtics who could score. What he wanted from me was defense and rebounding. That suited me fine. '''He and I had one big thing in common — the will to win. ''' When he appointed me coach he just said. &quot;The job is yours.&quot; He never put pressure on me. He never even came to practice unless I invited him. Of course, I did — often. I would have been crazy not to take advantage of one of the smartest guys the game has seen. In moments of weakness, I almost like Red — a little.

== Quotes about Russell ==
* How much does that guy make a year? It would be to our advantage if we paid him off for five years to get away from us in the rest of this series.
** Hall-of-Fame player Dolph Schayes; [http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/players/bill_russell.html]

* [The sound of Russell throwing up] is a welcome sound, too, because it means he's keyed up for the game, and around the locker room we grin and say, 'Man, we're going to be all right tonight.'
** Coach and former Celtics player {{w|John Havlicek}}

* '''Tony DiNozzo''': William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game... One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. [[Red Auerbach|Red]]'s watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?&lt;br&gt;'''Leroy Jethro Gibbs''': &quot;Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win.&quot;
** ''[[NCIS (season 6)|NCIS]]'', Episode 6.08, &quot;Cloak&quot; (2008)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Russell, Bill}}
[[Category:1934 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Basketball players from the United States]]
[[Category:Basketball coaches]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:People from Louisiana]]
[[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Jungle Book 2</title>
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      <text bytes="14828" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Jungle Book 2|The Jungle Book 2]]''''' (in 72 minutes release in 20th Anniversary Edition on February 2023) is a [[w:2003 in film|2003]] [[w:animation|animated feature film]] produced by the [[w:DisneyToons|DisneyToons]] studio. The film is a [[w:sequel|sequel]] to [[Walt Disney]]'s [[w:1967 in film|1967 film]] ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]''.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Bagheera''': This has to stop. You can't keep trying to take Mowgli from the man-village. The boy's future lies with his own kind.
:'''Baloo''': Oh! His future can wait. ''[sighs]'' I miss my bear cub.
:'''Bagheera''': ''[sighs]'' It's not safe for him in the jungle. You know Shere Khan is looking for Mowgli.
:'''Baloo''': Just let Shere Khan try something. We handled old stripes once, we'll do it again.
:''[Bagheera walks in front of Baloo]''
:'''Bagheera''': Baloo, don't push your luck.
:'''Baloo''': Outta the way, Baggy!
:'''Bagheera''': You're not going anywhere near the village!
:''[Before he can finish his sentence, Bagheera falls through the log then into the river with a scream. Baloo looks down the hole in the log. Bagheera jumps out for air.]''
:'''Baloo''': Later, Baggy!
:'''Bagheera''': That's it! Hathi, Plan B!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ranjan''': ''[beats Kaa repeatedly with a stick for trying to eat Shanti]'' Bad snake! Bad snake! Bad, bad, bad snake!
:'''Shanti''': Ranjan? What are you doing here?
:'''Ranjan''': You leave Shanti alone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mowgli''': I'm sorry, sir. It's just...
:'''Ranjan's Father''': No, Mowgli. I'm sorry. I should've understood that the jungle is a part of who you are. ''[Smiles at Mowgli, who promptly smiles back and hugs him]'' I'm just glad you're safe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kaa''': Oh, Mercy. ''[a coconut lands on Kaa's face and bounces off; Kaa stares in shock to see Shere Khan]'' Shh-Shere Khan?
:''[Shere Khan punches the rock in Kaa's coils]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Anyone I know?
:'''Kaa''': I wish. Stupid man-cub.
:''[Shere Khan hooks Kaa's throat in his claws]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Man-cub?
:'''Kaa''': Ohh. ''[laughs]'' Did-Did-Did I ss-say Man-cub? ''[his coils slither away]'' Well, well, I didn't know. I'd love to stay and shoot the breeze.
:''[Shere Khan stops him from getting away]''
:'''Shere Khan''': What's your hurry?
:'''Kaa''': ''[gulps]'' Uh, no reason I, I...
:''[Shere Khan crawls his claws on Kaa's coils, and he drums him]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Where is he?
:'''Kaa''': Who he?
:'''Shere Khan''': The man-cub Mowgli. ''[scratches Kaa's neck]'' I know you know.
:'''Kaa''': Ohh... But, but, but, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't.
:'''Shere Khan''': ''[grabs Kaa's throat]'' Oh, please don't insult my intelligence. It makes me irritable.
:'''Kaa''': Oh, he's not in the village.
:'''Shere Khan''': ''[squeezes Kaa's throat tightly]'' I know where he isn't. Now tell me, where...he...IS.
:'''Kaa''': Well, he's, he's... THE SWAMP! He's at the ss-ss-swamp, yes.
:'''Shere Khan''': Hmmm. The swamp, eh?
:'''Kaa''': Yes. ''[he uses his hypnosis technique with his eyes]'' Trust in me.
:''[Shere Khan lets go of Kaa's throat off in the ground]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Hmm. He's better be. ''[steps on Kaa's neck with his front paw]'' For your sake. ''[steps on his face with his rear paw]''
:'''Kaa''': ''[wheezing]'' He is! He is! ''[gasps]'' I'd ta-- I'd take you there myself, but I'm afraid I'd slow you down. Indigestion and all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shere Khan''': ''[arrives at the swamp, but doesn't see Mowgli, then realizes that Kaa has lied, as he looks at the water]'' That snake LIED... ''[splashes the water with his paw]'' ...to me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Baloo''': What are you laughing at? ''[wipes the mango off his nose, then gasps as he sees Bagheera appear; he glares at Baloo as he climbs down the rocks and approaches him]'' What are you doing' out here, Baggy?
:''[Baloo put his hands on Mowgli behind his back]''
:'''Bagheera''': Haven't you heard? Man is in the jungle.
:'''Baloo''': Wha-wha-what do they want?
:'''Bagheera''': They're searching for Mowgli.
:'''Baloo''': Mowgli?
:'''Bagheera''': I thought that perhaps maybe you have seen the boy. ''[smiles suspiciously]''
:'''Baloo''': Me? Uh, no. Well, you know his future is in that village.
:'''Bagheera''': Yes. I just wish I knew where he was.
:'''Baloo''': Yeah. Whew. Sorry. I wish I could help you out, Baggy.
:'''Bagheera''': D'oh! Enough games, Baloo! Now give me the boy.
:'''Baloo''': Baggy, Baggy, Baggy, Baggy. I can explain. I can explain. I...can explain but I don't have to. Because you can plainly see, Mowgli is not here. I'm all alone.
:''[Baloo looks at Bagheera, then smiles, with his teeth out]''
:'''Bagheera''': ''[sighs]'' I know he's around here somewhere, and he can't hide forever.
:'''Baloo''': Well, he won't get past you, Baggy.
:'''Bagheera''': Hmm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Mowgli finds Shanti and Ranjan, both of whom look scared by something]''
:'''Mowgli''': There you are! I'm so sorry. Will you let me explain?
:''[Shanti backs away in fear]''
:'''Mowgli''': Come on! At least talk to me.
:''[Shanti nervously points at something behind Mowgli; he turns around and gasps when he sees Shere Khan lurking in the shadows, he approaches the children]''
:'''Shere Khan''': You seem surprised to see me, man-cub. I can't imagine why. I wasn't going to let you get away with what you did to me. You see, you humiliated me, man-cub. Surely you do realize I simply can't let you live.
:''[Shanti, Mowgli, and Ranjan are now terrified]''
:'''Mowgli''': ''[to Shanti and Ranjan]'' Run!
:''[Shanti and Ranjan flee the area. Mowgli turns to face Shere Khan and throws dust in his face before running for it]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Oh, you're going to try and outrun me. How droll!
:'''Mowgli''': ''[catches up with Shanti and Ranjan] Come on! This way! ''[Behind them, Shere Khan gives chase with a snarl; Mowgli, Shanti, and Ranjan climb over a log to some bushes]'' All right. Stay here!
:'''Shanti''': Mowgli, no! ''[Shere Khan leaps over the log with a roar; Shanti and Ranjan hide in the bushes]'' Ranjan, wait here. I gotta go help Mowgli!
:'''Ranjan''': But I wanna help Mowgli too!
:'''Shanti''': No! No! I'll be right back. I promise. Don't move. ''[Shanti goes after Mowgli. Ranjan is still determined to help, and gets his loincloth caught on a branch; he is thrown backwards and comes face-to-face with Baloo. He panics and tries to run. Baloo picks him up by the loincloth.]''
:'''Baloo''': Whoa, whoa. Hold still. Calm down, kid. Now, where's Mowgli?
:'''Ranjan''': Shere Khan!
:'''Baloo''': ''[shocked]'' Shere Khan? Hold on! ''[puts Ranjan on his shoulders and hurries to the rescue. Meanwhile, Mowgli is still running as fast as he can, but stops when he comes to a lava lake surrounding an ancient temple.]''
:'''Mowgli''': Whoa! ''[Mowgli looks at the lava nervously and looks back when he hears Shere Khan roar behind him; he jumps across and barely grabs onto the other side. He looks back just in time to see Shere Khan appear and quickly climbs up and races up the stairs. Shere Khan gets across with an effortless running jump. Mowgli enters the temple looking for a place to hide.]''
:'''Shere Khan''': ''[laughing evilly]'' No matter how fast you can run, no matter where you can hide, I will catch you. ''[Shere Khan climbs up the stairs as Mowgli hides behind a gong, hyperventilating.]'' Come out, come out, wherever you are. ''[In the jungle, Bagheera climbs down from a tree branch and hears Ranjan's voice]''
:'''Ranjan''': Hurry! Hurry! Faster, faster! ''[Bagheera sees Ranjan]''
:'''Bagheera''': Oh, no! Not another Man-cub!
:'''Ranjan''': Can't you go any faster? ''[Bagheera then sees that Ranjan is riding on Baloo's shoulders]''
:'''Bagheera''': ''[gasps and races alongside him]'' Baloo! What is the meaning of this?!
:'''Baloo''': Mowgli's in trouble!
:'''Ranjan''': And Shanti, too!
:'''Bagheera''': Who's Shanti? ''[Meanwhile, Shanti has just reached the temple and leaps across the lava before hurrying inside. She reacts with horror upon seeing Shere Khan looking around for Mowgli. She desperately looks for a place to hide. Baloo, Ranjan, and Bagheera arrive at the temple mere seconds later.]''
:'''Baloo''': Take the kid, Baggy! I'll help Mowgli!
:'''Bagheera''': Baloo, be careful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucky''': Ask me if I can whup that tiger! Go on!
:'''Dizzy''': Can you whup that tiger?
:'''Lucky''': I ''Shere Kahn!'' ''[Shere Khan gets annoyed by Lucky's mockeries; the other vultures laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Baloo''': Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife ''[scatting as he bumps a coconut tree, causing a coconut to fall down, and he throws it onto a plant]'' that bring the bare necessities of life ''[continues scatting as he bumps a banana tree, causing a banana to fall; he shoots the banana, nearly hitting Bagheera who's sitting on a tree branch above him, before throwing the peel onto the coconut]'' Now that's more like it! Let's see if you've still got it. ''[scatting]'' Take it away little britches! ''[Nothing happens, Bagheera sadly watches Baloo from his branch]''
:'''Bagheera''': Poor fellow.
:'''Baloo''': I said, take it AWAY!!! ''[The coconut falls off the plant and rolls onto the ground. Baloo's smile turns into a frown as he sighs]'' This ain't gonna work... You just ain't Mowgli. I guess I gotta get used to singing solo.
:''[Bagheera looks down at Baloo from his branch and can't help but feel sorry for him]''
:'''Bagheera''': He's just not getting over that-- ''[gasps when he sees that Baloo is gone]'' Oh, no. Not again! Baloo. Baloo! ''[he runs off after Baloo as the screen turns toward the coconut and banana peel. The music takes an ominous turn as the footsteps of another animal are heard; a shadow appears over the coconut before Shere Khan places his paw on top of it and crushes it]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Mowgli... ''[growling]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[A shocked Bagheera spies on the villagers]''
:'''Ranjan's Father''': Mowgli! ''[sighs]'' Perhaps I was too harsh on the boy.
:'''Ranjan's Mother''': Don't worry. We'll find them. ''[they both smile]''
:'''Ranjan's Father''': Mowgli!
:'''Ranjan's Mother''': Ranjan!
:'''Villager''': Shanti!
:'''Bagheera''': ''[shock turns to anger]'' Baloo...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Baloo runs into Shanti, and they begin to argue]''
:'''Baloo''': You! You stay away from me. Hey, I'm here because when a member of my gang has a problem, then I have a problem.
:'''Shanti''': ''[overlapping Baloo]'' You! What are you doing here? Hey, I am really not in the mood, okay? I spent the night in the jungle! I was attacked by a snake! But I really don't care, because--
:'''Baloo''': And, that's why--
:'''Both''': I'm here to help Mowgli! ''[they hesitate]'' You are?
:'''Baloo''': I guess we're on the same side.
:'''Shanti''': ''[still coming to terms with the fact that Baloo is benevolent]'' I guess so.
:'''Baloo''': OK.
:'''Shanti''': OK.
:'''Baloo''': All right. You, uh... go that way. I'll cover you. ''[Shanti hurries off; Baloo observes Shere Khan roaming around the temple from behind a gong, and sees Mowgli come out from his hiding place behind the gong a few yards away before hiding again. Baloo then sounds the gong with his fists, getting Shere Khan's attention. Mowgli peeks out and sees Shere Khan approaching Baloo's position. Shanti nervously bangs another gong, drawing Shere Khan towards her. Mowgli quietly observes Baloo and Shanti's actions and rings his gong with a couple branches, causing Shere Khan to hone in on his hiding place. Baloo sounds his gong again: Shere Khan immediately goes in his direction. The three then sound their gongs simultaneously, confusing Shere Khan. Unfortunately, the chain holding up Shanti's gong breaks off, Baloo and Mowgli gasps and getting Shere Khan's attention.]''
:'''Shanti''': Oh, no.
:'''Shere Khan''': ''[chuckles]'' Well isn't this a delightful turn of events? ''[chuckles]'' So, what's it going to be, man-cub? You or your adorable little girlfriend? ''[Shanti throws her sticks at Shere Khan]'' I'm waiting! One, two--
:'''Mowgli''': ''[realizes that Shere Khan is going to kill Shanti and comes out from his hiding place and said]'' No! Don't!
:'''Shere Khan''': Three-- ''[turns to see Mowgli; he chuckles then scowls]'' No more games, man-cub.
:''[Shere Khan charges at Mowgli, Baloo bashes Shere Khan with his hip]''
:'''Shanti''': Mowgli?!
:'''Mowgli''': Come on!
:''[they run up a staircase; Baloo grabs Shere Khan, trying to slow him down, but the tiger hits Baloo in the face, knocking him aside]''
:'''Baloo''': Mowgli! Look out!
:'''Shanti''': ''[realizing there's a pit of lava at the bottom]'' Oh, no!
:'''Mowgli''': We can do it! Jump!
:''[they jump across and just barely grab onto the statue at the other end. Shere Khan is close behind and effortlessly leaps across]''
:'''Mowgli''': Come on!
:''[he and Shanti climb on top of the statue. Shere Khan, using all his strength, climbs up after the children and corners them]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Mowgli... ''[The statue tilts and falls. Shere Khan falls down towards the lava. Baloo barely catches Shanti and Mowgli. Shere Khan lands on a rocky outcrop in the lava pit. A second later, the statue seemingly crushes him. Baloo, Shanti, and Mowgli look down into the pit where Shere Khan fell. Shere Khan is now trapped in the statue's mouth; an injured but still alive Lucky appears.]''
:'''Lucky''': Hello, stripes. You're looking a bit down in the mouth today. ''[laughs crazily]''
:'''Shere Khan''': Oh, no...
:'''Lucky''': Hey, hey! What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? I always knew you had a head on your shoulders, eh, Khanny, my boy? ''[laughing crazily]''

== Voice cast ==
* [[John Goodman]] as Baloo
* [[w:Haley Joel Osment|Haley Joel Osment]] as Mowgli
* [[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]] as Shanti
* Connor Funk as Ranjan
* [[w:Bob Joles|Bob Joles]] as Bagheera
* [[w:Tony Jay|Tony Jay]] as Shere Khan
* [[John Rhys-Davies]] as Ranjan's Father
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as Kaa/Buzzie
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] as Flaps
* [[w:Jess Harnell|Jess Harnell]] as Ziggy
* [[w:Baron Davis|Baron Davis]] as Dizzy
* [[Phil Collins]] as Lucky

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0283426}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Jungle Book 2, The}}
[[Category:2003 films]]
[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:The Jungle Book films|Jungle Book 2]]
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  <page>
    <title>Ratatouille</title>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someone that's he… ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d shut us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left! 
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the Dad! 

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. '''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  '''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someone that's he… ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left! 
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the Dad! 

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150324</id>
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      <text bytes="17361" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someone that's he… ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left! 
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the Dad! 

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150326</id>
      <parentid>3150324</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:04:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someone that's he… ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  '''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the? Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Ratatouille (film)|Ratatouille]]''''' is a ([[w:2007 in film|2007]]) animated [[w:Disney|Disney]]/[[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film about a rat (Rémy) who longs to follow in the footsteps of his hero, the late Chef Auguste Gusteau — at one time considered to be the greatest chef in Paris. After discovering an unusual way through which he can control the actions of the hapless Linguini, who was working as a garbage boy in the kitchen of Gusteau's restaurant at the time, he is given the ultimate opportunity to show the world what he can do.
:''Written and Directed by [[Brad Bird]].''
{{center|'''He's dying to become a chef.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Dialogue ==
:''[After Remy's been separated from his colony]''
:'''Remy''': ''[voiceover]'' I waited. For a sound. A voice. A sign. ''Something''.
:''[Remy is reading Gusteau's 'Anyone Can Cook'. He stops on a page with food on it, causing his stomach to grumble. He turns away, shielding the image of food from his view]''
:'''Gusteau''': ''[as a book illustration]'' If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy.
:''[Remy is shocked to hear this. He looks under the page Gusteau's image is under.]''
:'''Gusteau''': Why do you wait and mope?
:'''Remy''': Well, I just lost my family ... all my friends. Probably forever. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know?
:'''Remy''': I ... uh ... ''[catches himself with a scoff]'' ''You'' are an illustration. Why am I ''talking'' to you?
:'''Gusteau''': Oh, you just lost your family, all your friends. You are lonely.
:'''Remy''': Yeah ... well, ''you're'' dead.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. Now go up and look around!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Remy's about to eat a bread crumb in someone's house when Gusteau appears before him.]''
:'''Gusteau''': What are you doing?!
:'''Remy''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm ''hungry''! I don't know ''where'' I am, I don't know ''when'' I'll find food again!
:'''Gusteau''': Rémy, you are better than that. You are a cook! A cook ''makes''; a thief ''takes''. You are not a thief.
:'''Remy''': But I ''am'' hungry.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[chuckles]'' Food will come, Remy. Food always comes to those who love to cook.
:''[Gusteau's image disappears into the bread crumb]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Remy''': Oh! Uh… Oh, that guy. 
:'''Gusteau''': Very good. Who is next in command?  
:'''Remy''': The sous chef… There. The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the chef's not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces. Very important. Chef de partie, demi chef de partie, both important. Commis, commis, they're cooks. Very important.
:'''Gusteau''': Ah, you are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
:''[He points to Linguini, who's clumsily cleaning up the kitchen]''
:'''Remy''': Oh, him? He’s nobody.
:'''Gusteau''': Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
:'''Remy''': No, he’s a ''plongeur'' or something. He washes dishes or takes out the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
:'''Gusteau''': But he ''could''.
:'''Remy''': ''[dismissively]'' Uh, no. 
:'''Gusteau''': How do you know? What do I always say, Remy? Anyone can cook.
:'''Remy''': Well yeah, anyone ''can''. That doesn't mean that anyone ''should''.
:'''Gusteau''': Well, that is not stopping him. See?
:''[Linguini has accidentally spilt a pot of soup and is attempting to cover up his mistake by throwing random ingredients into it.]''
:'''Remy''': What?! What is he doing?! No ...''NO''! No, this is terrible; he's ... ''RUINING THE SOUP''! A-and nobody's ''noticing''?! ''[to Gusteau]'' It's ''your'' restaurant! Do something!
:'''Gusteau''': What can ''I'' do? I am a figment of your imagination.
:'''Remy''': But he's ''ruining the soup!!'' We gotta tell someone that's he… ''[slips and falls]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou? 
:'''Colette''': Anyone can cook.  
:''[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]'' 
:'''Skinner''': Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him.
:'''Gusteau''': You were escaping?   
:'''Remy''': Oh, yeah.   
:'''Skinner''': Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. Anyone else? Hmm... Then back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook, but do you know what I think, Linguini? I think you’re a sneaky, overreaching little... ''[spots Remy attempting to escape]'' ''RAAAAAAAT''!
:''[Grabs a broom and hits Remy with it]''
:'''Horst''': Get the rat!
:''[Everyone attempts to catch Remy]''
:'''Skinner''': Linguini! Get something to trap it!
:'''Horst''': It’s getting away! Get it, get it, get it!
:''[Linguini has trapped Rémy in a jar.]''
:'''Linguini''': What should I do now?
:'''Skinner''': Kill it!
:'''Linguini''': Now?
:'''Skinner''': ''NO''! Not in the kitchen! Are you ''mad''?! If anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen, they’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it away from here - far away. Kill it! Dispose of it! Go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anton Ego''': What is it, Ambrister? 
:'''Ambrister''': Gusteau's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Finally closing, is it?
:'''Ambrister''': No.
:'''Anton Ego''': More financial troubles?
:'''Ambrister''': No, it's... it's...
:'''Anton Ego''': Announced a new line of microwave egg-rolls?! What? What? Spit it ''out''!
:'''Ambrister''': It's come back, it's... popular.
:''[Ego partly spits out a mouthful of wine, before checking the label, then roughly swallowing the rest of the wine]'' 
:'''Anton Ego''': I haven't reviewed Gusteau's in years.
:'''Ambrister''': No sir.
:'''Anton Ego''': My last review condemned it to the tourist trade.
:'''Ambrister''': Yes sir. 
:''[Ego takes out a copy of his last review of Gusteau's]''
:'''Anton Ego''': I said: &quot;Gusteau has finally found his rightfully place in history right alongside another equally famous chef, Monsieur Boyardee.&quot;
:'''Ambrister''': Touché.
:'''Anton Ego''': That is where we left it, ''that'' was my last word. The. Last. ''Word''.
:'''Ambrister''': ''[cowering]'' Yes.
:'''Anton Ego''': Then tell me Ambrister; how could it be ''popular''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skinner''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Kicks drawer]'' 
:'''Talon''': The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
:'''Skinner''': T-t-this can’t just happen! The whole thing is a set up! The boy knows! Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot! He’s toying with my mind, like a cat with a ball! Of... something!
:'''Talon''': String?
:'''Skinner''': Yes! Playing dumb! Taunting me with that rat!
:'''Talon''': Rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Yes! He’s consorting with it! Deliberately trying to make me think it’s important!
:'''Talon''': The... rat? 
:'''Skinner''': Exactly!
:'''Talon''': Is the rat... important?
:'''Skinner''': Of course not! He just wants me to ''think'' that it is! O-ho, I see the theatricality of it! A rat appears on the boy's first night, I order him to kill it, and now he wants me to see it ''everywhere''! ''[high voice]'' Ooooh! It's here! No it isn't, it's here! Am I seeing things, am I crazy, is there a phantom rat or is there not?! But oh, no! I refuse to be sucked into his little game... of...
:'''Talon''': ...Should I be concerned about this? About you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horst''': It's your recipe. How can you not know your own RECIPE?!
:'''Linguini''': I didn't write it down, it just came to me!
:'''Horst''': Well make it come to you again, ja? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SERVE THIS!
:'''Mustafa''': Where's the order?!  
:'''Linguini''': What if we just make something up?
:'''Pompidou''': We cannot be all out. We just opened. 
:'''Larousse''': I have another idea. What if we ''serve them what they order''?!
:'''Colette''': We will make it! Just tell us what you did!
:'''Linguini''': I don't ''know'' what I did!
:'''Horst''': We need to tell the customers ''recipes''! 
:'''Linguini''': Then tell them... tell them... AAAH!
:''[Linguini flees the kitchen]''
:'''Larousse''': ...Eh?
:'''Django''': Remy.   
:'''Emile''': Don’t do it.
:'''Django''': Remy! Don’t! Stop!  
:'''Emile''': They'll see you. Stop.
:'''Horst''': We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about what to do right... 
:'''Chefs''': RATS!
:'''Django''': Remy!
:'''Horst''': Get my knife!  
:'''Linguini''': Don't touch him! ''[whispering]'' Thanks for coming back, Little Chef. I know this sounds insane, but… Well the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it's not. Uh, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's been controlling my actions. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone. The reason Ego is outside that door. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mustafa''': ''[taking Ego's order]'' Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?
:'''Mustafa''': ''[confused]'' With what, sir?
:'''Anton Ego''': Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
:'''Mustafa''': I am, uh...
:'''Anton Ego''': Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this ''BLOODY town'', I'll make you a deal. ''You'' provide the food, ''I'll'' provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
:'''Mustafa''': I'm afraid... your dinner selection?
:'''Anton Ego''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to ''hit'' me with his best ''SHOT''.
:''[Skinner is in disguise nearby and speaks to his waiter]''
:'''Skinner''': ''[in a lower and gruff voice]'' I will have whatever he is having.
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Remy is locked in a cage]'' So, we have given up.  
:'''Remy''': Why do you say that?
:'''Gusteau''': We are in a cage, inside a car trunk, awaiting a future in frozen food products. 
:'''Remy''': No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You… are free.
:'''Gusteau''': I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.  
:'''Remy''': Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father, I pretend to be a human for Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know how I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
:'''Gusteau''': ''[Laughs]'' Ah, but you don't Remy. You never did. ''[he disappears in a cage in Skinner's trunk]'' 
:''[Git pushes a statue off the building and misses it to land onto the Skinner's trunk]''  
:'''Django''': ''[to Git]'' No. My other left!
:'''Remy''': ''[Inside Skinner's trunk, mumbling]'' Dad! Dad, I'm in here! I'm inside the trunk! What the? Dad!

== Taglines ==
* He's dying to become a chef.
* A Comedy with Great Taste.
* A Rat in a Kitchen... Cooking?!?!?!

== Cast ==
* [[Patton Oswalt]] — Rémy
* [[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]] — Linguini
* [[Janeane Garofalo]] — Colette
* [[w:Ian Holm|Ian Holm]] — Skinner
* [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Émile
* [[Brad Garrett]] — Gusteau
* [[w:Brian Dennehy|Brian Dennehy]] — Django
* [[w:Peter O'Toole|Peter O'Toole]] — Anton Ego
* [[Will Arnett]] — Horst
* [[w:Julius Callahan|Julius Callahan]] — Lalo
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] — Larousse
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Mustafa
* [[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]] — Talon Labarthe
* [[w:Tony Fucile|Tony Fucile]] — Pompidou
* [[w:Jake Steinfeld|Jake Steinfeld]] — Git
* [[Brad Bird]] — Ambrister Minion
* [[w:Stéphane Roux (actor)|Stéphane Roux]] — the narrator of the cooking channel
* [[w:Thomas Keller|Thomas Keller]] — the male dining patron who asks what's new
* [[w:Winston I. Steve Barnum|Winston I. Steve Barnum]] — the chef friendly male

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* I think our goal is to get the impression of something rather than perfect photographic reality. It’s to get the feeling of something so I think that our challenge was the computer basically wants to do things that are clean and perfect and don’t have any history to them. If you want to do something that’s different than that you have to put that information in there and the computer kind of fights you. It really doesn’t want to do that and Paris is a very rich city that has a lot of history to it and it’s lived in. Everything’s beautiful but it’s lived in. It has history to it, so it has imperfections and it’s part of why it’s beautiful is you can feel the history in every little nook and cranny. For us every single bit of that has to be put in there. We can’t go somewhere and film something. If there’s a crack in there, we have to design the crack and if you noticed the tiles on the floor of the restaurant, they’re not perfectly flat, they’re like slightly angled differently, and they catch light differently. Somebody has to sit there and angle them all separately so we had to focus on that a lot. And it was a movie about good food and the food had to look delicious and its data. How do you define what makes food look good. It’s actually a bunch of really subtle little complicated things and everybody worked really hard on it.
:* Brad Bird [http://collider.com/brad-bird-interview-ratatouille/]
* I entered this movie as director kind of late. I was asked to come on the project a little less than a year and a half ago, so several characters had been cast before I got there. Famous people like Ian Holm, Brian Dennehy, and Brad Garrett were already on board and there were also some Pixar people who happened to have perfect voices, like Lou Romano who did Linguini. He was production designer on The Incredibles. And Pete Sohn is a young, very gifted story guide and animator who worked on Iron Giant and Incredibles and he did the voice of Emile, who is Remy’s brother. So those guys are in-house and they were already involved in the project and I didn’t see any reason to change what was perfect. I re-cast a couple characters and there was a lot of difficulty in casting Remy and I heard Patton Oswalt on the radio and I thought he’d be perfect. I brought Peter O’Toole on and when I was first writing the character of Anton Ego that was the voice I heard in my mind and I was just hoping that he would say yes and he did. But Janeane Garofalo we cast after I came on and she does Colette and a lot of people can’t even recognize her because she so completely disappears into this role, which is a testament to how great an actress she is, and I’m really happy with the voice track on this film because it put the challenge to the animators to come up to the quality and be inspired by the voices – and I think they did.
:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]

*  It was six years ago and you look at the scope of your film and we knew it would be about rats and we knew we needed the rats to be able to move in certain ways. Pixar’s never really done a film with four-legged critters in it to any great extent, so I was excited because some of Disney’s great classical animated films have critters running around like this. We threw down to the tools group, who writes our code because it’s all proprietary software, that we need this to be phenomenal so we actually experimented for about a year in sort of a dead end, but it was always going to be promising and something special. Brad Bird made several things work that weren’t working. We figured that once we got them outfitted correctly with the right technical setup so that they could squash and stretch beyond what’s been done before in animation, that in the hands of a director like Brad who knows animation inside and out, that it would be phenomenal. As far as the food looking great, we hoped we would pull it off and I think we did. I think appetizing food in a film like this is a surprise and if people come out hungry, which I’ve heard has happened, then that’s a testament to that
:* Brian Lewis [:* Brad Bird [http://www.gonewiththetwins.com/pages/interviews/2008/interview_ratatouille1.php]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Ratatouille (film)}}
{{Commons category|Ratatouille (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0382932|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Imdb title]] on how to get IMDB ID --&gt;
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=ratatouille|title=Ratatouille}} &lt;!-- see [[Template:Rotten-tomatoes]] on how to get RT ID --&gt;
* The official [http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/ratatouille/ Ratatouille] site

[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                    [[te:రాటటౌల్లె (2007 సినిమా)]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Jan Pinkava films]]
[[Category:Food and drink]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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[[File:Omega_uc_lc.svg|thumb|I am many things [[Superman|Kal-El]] - but here, I am [[God]]. ~ [[w:Paul Dini|Paul Dini]] &amp; Rich Fogel]]
[[File:Paul_Gustave_Dore_Raven1.jpg|thumb|Ruler of [[w:Apokolips|Apokolips]]! Wielder of [[Holocaust]]! Disciple of [[power]] and [[death]]! ~ [[Jack Kirby]]]]
'''[[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]]''' is a fictional character from [[DC Comics]].  He was created by [[w:Jack Kirby|Jack Kirby]] and his first appearance was in ''[[w:Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen|Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen]]'' #134, November 1970.

==In Comics==

===New Gods #1 (1971)===
:''Written by [[Jack Kirby]]''
:'''[[w:Highfather|Highfather]]''': The [[universe]]--[[slave]] or [[free]]--on Apokolips their ruler, Darkseid, has already made that choice! What shall ours be, Orion?

===Final Crisis #5===
:'''Darkseid''' [simultaneously speaking through the three billion humans dominated by the Anti-Life Equation]: ''I. Am. The. New. God. All is one in Darkseid. This mighty [[body]] is my [[church]]. When I command your [[surrender]], I speak with three billion [[voices]]. When I make a fist to crush your resistance. It is with three billion hands. When I stare into your [[eyes]] and shatter your [[dreams]]. And break your [[heart]]. It is with six billion eyes! Nothing like Darkseid has ever come among you: Nothing will again. I will take you to a [[hell]] without exit or end. And there I will [[murder]] your [[souls]]! And make you crawl and [[beg]]! And [[die]]! Die! DIE FOR DARKSEID!''

===Final Crisis #7===
:'''Darkseid''': ''You turned your back and I wrecked your world. I robbed your people of their powers, their hopes, their future, themselves. What will you do when your friends, your enemies, your lover, are all Darkseid? When there is one body. One mind. One will. One life that is Darkseid. Will you be the enemy of all existence, then? What irony that will be, Son of Krypton.''
----
:'''Darkseid''': ''The sun has set forever. There is a black hole where my heart should be.''

===Justice League of America vol. 3 #13===
:'''Darkseid''': ''New Genesis is a stinking cosmic sewer! I have fouled Paradise beyond repair and broken in the mire the shining cities of the Gods! I have won! Is this vanity? Then I will remake the entire universe in the image of my soul, Desaad. And when at last I turn to look upon the eternal desolation I have wrought...I will see Darkseid, as in a mirror....and know what fear is.''

===Justice League of America vol. 3 #14===
:'''Darkseid''': ''See what I have made! Imagine what is yet to come! I take away their confusion and give them obedience. I take away their fear of themselves and give them fear of Darkseid. I have liberated them from the chaos and indecision! I have given one straight path! One clear purpose! One goal: To die for Darkseid!''
----
:'''Darkseid''': ''Pain is what makes us strong. And all the gods are dead, Wonder Woman. There is no god but Darkseid. So kneel now or later. In the end, you will kneel.''

===Crisis on Infinite Earths #12===
:'''Darkseid''': (before attacking the [[w:Anti-Monitor|Anti-Monitor]]) ''Thus let him suffer the wrath of Darkseid.''

===Countdown to Final Crisis #8===
:'''Darkseid''': (To Solomon the Monitor) ''Checkmate, Monitor. Take consolation in the fact you never had a chance against me.''

===JLA Vol 1 14===
:'''Darkseid''': I CANNOT BE DESTROYED! I AM EVERYTHING! I CANNOT BE STOPPED! AND IN THE RUIN OF THIS ANTHILL PLANET I WILL BUILD AN EMPIRE OF ORDER! THAT IS MY WILL! THAT IS THE WILL OF DARKSEID!

===Legends Vol 1 1===
:'''Darkseid''': Perhaps the time has come to strike at the core of the problem - to destroy the very concept of such legends!

===Legends Vol 1 3===
:'''Darkseid''': Soon now, Earth's mightiest legends will be no more than dust - and that miserable world will at last be ripe for my picking!

===Legion of Super-Heroes Vol 2 292===
:'''Darkseid''': You may live to witness my triumph. Live -- to witness the darkness transcendant... and your ultimate, undying doom.

===Legion of Super-Heroes Vol 4 22===
:'''Darkseid''': Pitiful, transient beings. Their hour upon the stage is so indelibly brief. They would sooner have evolved to something of value. A prouder form... one of loftier ideals. And one without such petty concerns. The universe needs something closer to its kind. For Man is too cynical. It's not a time for Gods. 

===Legion of Super-Heroes Vol 4 24===
:'''Darkseid''': Your conception of good and evil are insignificant, Querl Dox. In fact, your minuscule awareness of this is so obtuse and vain that to even consider yourself sentient -- would be a monumental disservice to those who are.

===New Gods Vol 4 1===
:'''Darkseid''': I am fear itself -- the terror hidden in your darkest dreams.  

===Final Crisis===
:'''Darkseid''': There was a war in heaven, Mr. Turpin. And I won. Your future belongs to Darkseid now.

==Superman: The Animated Series==
[[File:Knight-chess.jpg|thumb|If you won't be my [[knight]], you will be my [[w:Pawn|pawn]].]]
[[File:Graves_at_Arlington_on_Memorial_Day.JPG|thumb|Had I known one [[human]]'s [[death]] would [[pain]] you so, I would have [[killed]] more. And kill more I shall. Carry that [[agony]] with you to [[oblivion]], [[Superman]].]]

===Father's Day===
:''[Flying in, after Darkseid has just vaporized his son, Kalibak]''
:'''Superman:''' What have you done to him? ''[Darkseid says nothing]'' I asked you a question. Who are you? ''[Darkseid ominously smiles]'' Answer me!
:'''[[W:Darkseid|Darkseid]]:''' ''[attacks Superman with his Omega Beams, frying him until he's on the ground, writhing]'' ''That'' is who I am.

===Apokolips...Now!===
:'''Darkseid''': I did not return you to Earth so you could indulge in petty theft.
:'''Bruno Manheim''': Petty?!  We cleared over twenty million!
:'''Darkseid''': I play for higher stakes.
----
:'''Bruno:''' You promised me you would make me a king!
:'''[[W:Darkseid|Darkseid]]:''' And so you are – a king of fools!
----
:'''Darkseid:''' ''[after Superman declines his offer to join him]'' Pity. Still, if you won't be my knight, you will be my pawn.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' People of Earth, I am Darkseid, Lord of Apokolips! Here is your savior, cowed and broken. I have crushed him as easily as I have crushed all who have dared to oppose me throughout the Cosmos. I am power unlike any you have ever known: absolute, infinite, and unrelenting. You have no choice but to prepare as a long dark future as my subjects and my slaves. 
----

===Little Girl Lost===
:'''Darkseid:''' Ever proud, eh, Kryptonian? I must say, I find it to be very...wearying.
:'''Superman:''' ''[referencing Granny Goodness]'' What was this bootlicker doing on Earth, Darkseid? I thought your business there was settled.
:'''Darkseid:''' I never settle. What I cannot have, I [[destroy]].

===Legacy===
:'''Darkseid:''' I can't [[believe]] he's [[blood]].
:'''Superman:''' You used me.
:'''Darkseid:''' I told you once, Superman: If you would not be my [[knight]], you would be my [[pawn]].
:'''Superman:''' I see you're a man of your [[word]].
:'''Darkseid:''' I am many things, Kal-El.  You couldn't even begin to [[imagine]] half of them.  But for now, I shall take the role of [[executioner]]. ''[blasts Superman]''  A final [[gift]], my wayward son. ''[blasts Superman again]''  A fast [[death]], infinitely preferable to the [[shame]] of returning to [[Earth]]. There, your [[legacy]] would be one of [[fear]] and [[distrust]]. A [[pariah]] desperately seeking the [[favor]] of a [[world]] that [[cursed]] your [[name]].
----
:'''Superman:''' ''[punches Darkseid]'' That's for Dan Turpin!
:'''Darkseid:''' Who?
:'''Superman:''' The [[good]] [[man]] you [[murdered]]!
:'''Darkseid:''' Had I known one [[human]]'s [[death]] would [[pain]] you so, I would have [[killed]] more. ''[pummels Superman]'' And kill more I shall. Carry that [[agony]] with you to [[oblivion]], [[Superman]].
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Darkseid:''' I am many things, Kal-El, but here, I am [[God]].

==Justice League==
===Twilight===
[[File:Red_stylized_fist.svg|thumb|Because this time, I'm not going to stop until you're just a greasy smear on my fist. Let's go.]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': You really are a [[glutton]] for [[punishment]]. Time and again, I've beaten you, [[humbled]] you. What makes you think today's outcome will be any [[different]]?
:'''Superman''': Because this time, I'm not going to stop until you're just a greasy [[w:Smear|smear]] on my fist. Let's go.
----
:'''Darkseid''': This is where you belong, Superman -- Under my heel.
----
:'''Darkseid''': [''Watches as Superman, Batman, and Orion go through the Boom Tube, leaving him stranded''] Heh, loser.

===Alive!===
:'''Darkseid''': [''After an attempt to resurrect Brainiac by Lex Luthor, Darkseid is resurrected instead''] It seems I have you to thank for my resurrection. Though your world will suffer slowly I grant you a quick death.
:'''Darkseid''': Let the universe howl in despair, for I have returned.

===Destroyer===
:'''Darkseid:''' I hope you appreciate, Kal-El, that everything that happens from this point is on your head. The skies will rain fire, the oceans will boil, the streets will run red with the blood of billions. Only then, after your last pitiful hope is extinguished, will I end your life. Let's go.
----
:'''Lex Luthor:''' You destroyed Brainiac! I'm going to make you pay!
:'''Darkseid:''' Unlikely.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' I'm more powerful than I've ever been, and the last time we met, you barely managed to hold your own.
:'''Superman:''' Funny. That's not how I remember it.
:'''Darkseid:''' Allow me to refresh your memory. ''[Darkseid picks up the Daily Planet globe and uses it to slam Superman through every floor of the building]''
----
:'''Darkseid:''' Don't leave us yet, Kal-El. I want you to see your adopted homeworld bow down before me. Only then will I allow you death's sweet release.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' Impressive. No one has ever avoided my Omega Beam. I wonder if the other one is as agile. ''[Lex Luthor runs away]'' Excellent strategy.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' Your friends have abandoned you or fallen before my might. Super or otherwise, you're merely a man. And I am a god.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' It's called the Agony Matrix. Direct neural stimulation of pain receptors - all of them. Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt in your life, times a thousand. Now imagine that pain continuing. Forever. Oh, that's right... you don't ''have'' to ''imagine''.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' Still alive. You impress me, Kryptonian. More, your valor has touched my heart. Oh yes, there is still some small part of me that knows mercy. I will end your pain... with something special I've been saving for just this occasion. ''[Darkseid draws a [[W:Kryptonite|Kryptonite]] knife]'' I'm going to carve out your heart and put it on a pike in my throne room.
:'''Lex Luthor:''' As much as I'd enjoy seeing that, first you've got some business with me. Sorry it took me so long - I had to go get my power suit.
:'''Darkseid:''' You dare challenge me? Insanity!
:'''Lex Luthor:''' Oh, I'm not here to challenge you, Darkseid. Quite the contrary. I've got something you want. The ''only'' thing you want.
:'''Darkseid:''' ''[astonished]'' The [[W:Anti-Life Equation|Anti-Life Equation]]!
:'''Lex Luthor:''' My gift to you.
----
:'''Darkseid:''' [[W:Anti-Life Equation|It]]'s beautiful, isn't it? 
:'''Lex Luthor:''' Yes...yes, it is.
''[Darkseid and Luthor are swept up in the equation's cosmic power.]''

==Justice League Heroes==
:'''Darkseid''': Brainiac is no more. Tremble before the power of... 
:'''Superman''': [surprisingly shocked] Darkseid! 
:'''Darkseid''': Greetings, Superman. 
:'''Batman''': You tricked Brainiac into freeing you from your extra-dimensional prison. 
:'''Darkseid''': I promised him he would unleash power beyond imagining. I fulfilled our bargain. To the letter. 
:'''Zatanna''': Yeah, and he was also promised great knowledge. 
:'''Darkseid''': And I delivered. What higher lesson is there than is this: Never trust Darkseid. 
:'''Superman''': Get off my planet... monster! 
:'''Darkseid''': Normally a threat from you is worth considering, but with both the Mother Box and Sensory Matrix Field Generator at my command, I'd rather think you should get off my planet. 
:'''Darkseid''': You can't control me, you can't destroy me, and there is no prison in the universe that can hold me. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': I don't believe you're telling me the truth. 
:[wraps her lasso around Darkseid] 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You know the power of my magic lasso. No one bound by it can tell a lie. 
:'''Darkseid''': If I were free, I'd tear you limb from limb. 
:'''Zatanna''': I believe him.

==Injustice 2==
:'''Darkseid''': The Coluan, [[w:Brainiac|Brainiac]], was a genius without peer. But. I. Am. A God. I could not allow an errant intellect to steal the object of my vengeance. Superman refused to submit to my will, denied my conquest of Earth, and killed my son, Kalibak. He suffered and perished. But not until I told him exactly what would happen after he died. Kara Zor-El proved quite resilient, but eventually, DeSaad broke her. She is a powerful weapon--a natural leader for my new, invincible breed of parademons, cloned from the DNA of Superman himself. Superman robbed me of my blood. Now, our score is settled. That is the will of Darkseid!

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
[[File:Bolgona_sandwich.jpg|thumb|If someone took [[Mind control|control of your mind]] and you were not able to [[think]] as yourself any longer, you would no longer be yourself. You'd be something in his [[command]]. You as an [[individual]] would be [[dead]]. That's [[w:Anti-Life Equation|Anti-Life]]. In other words, if you gave yourself to some cause, and gave up everything as an individual and you were at the beck and call of some [[leader]], you would be dead as an individual. And that's what [[Darkseid]] wants. He wants [[control]] of everybody. If it was [[snowing]] outside and you weren't wearing any [[shoes]] and it was 38 degrees below zero and this guy says, &quot;Go out and get me a [[w:Bologna sandwich|bologna sandwich]],&quot; you have to go through all that; you [[obey]] him automatically, you obey him meekly. You walk out without a coat and you freeze to death. He doesn't [[care]]. You're [[dead]] as an [[individual]]. You have no [[choice]]. You can't object and you have no stature as a [[person]]. You're dead. A slave is a dead man. ~ That's what Darkseid wants. Darkseid wants complete subjugation of everything at a [[word]] - his word. ~ [[Jack Kirby]]]]
[[File:Jacob_Riis,_Lodgers_in_a_Crowded_Bayard_Street_Tenement.jpg|thumb|Darkseid constitutes the kind of [[men]] Kirby was acquainted with in his [[youth]]. The [[w:slumlord|slum lords]], made famous in [[Will Eisner]]’s ''[[w:A Contract With God|A Contract With God]]'', were men (perhaps [[women]]?) with agendas. They operated on [[morals]] dictated by their [[business]] mindset. The [[cost]] of [[rent]], the [[w:Living conditions|living conditions]], and the [[w:quality of life|quality of life]] they allowed for their [[w:Tenants|tenants]] was in line with their standards. To them, that standard was appropriate. To call them “[[evil]]” or “[[unethical]]” is an inaccurate [[w:assessment|assessment]].  They were [[gods]] within the [[worlds]] they created. ~ Stuart Warren]]
*'''[[w:Orion (DC comics)|Orion]]''': Ruler of [[w:Apokolips|Apokolips]]! Wielder of [[Holocaust]]! Disciple of [[power]] and [[death]]!
** [[Jack Kirby]], ''[[w:New Gods|New Gods]]'' #1, (February 1971).

*'''Darkseid''': I like you [[w:Glorious Godfrey|Glorious Godfrey]]! You're a shallow, precious [[child]] -- The [[w:Revelation|Revelationist]] -- [[Happy]] with the sweeping [[sound]] of [[words]]! But I am the Revelation! The tiger-force at the core of all things! When you [[cry]] out in your [[dreams]]--it is Darkseid that you see!
** Jack Kirby, ''[[w:The Forever People|The Forever People]]'' vol. 1 #3, (July 1971)

* Darkseid is very [[evil]]. He's the equivalent of a mass murderer, but he wouldn't waste his super-powers on just one individual. He wouldn't go out of his way just to kill one man; it would be ridiculous. He wouldn't do it. He'd just walk away. That's how my [[villains]] [[think]].
** Jack Kirby, [https://twomorrows.com/kirby/articles/17tot.html &quot;Jack Kirby interview&quot;], ''Train of Thought'' #5, (1971); February 1990, posted May 23, 2011 in issue 134 of &quot;The Comics Journal&quot;, now on TCJ Archive

* If someone took [[control]] of your [[mind]] and you were not able to [[think]] as yourself any longer, you would no longer be yourself. You'd be something in his [[command]]. You as an [[individual]] would be [[dead]]. That's [[w:Anti-Life|Anti-Life]]. In other words, if you gave yourself to some cause, and gave up everything as an [[individual]] and you were at the beck and call of some [[leader]], you would be dead as an individual. And that's what Darkseid wants. He wants control of everybody. If it was snowing outside and you weren't wearing any shoes and it was 38 degrees below zero and this guy says, &quot;Go out and get me a bologna sandwich,&quot; you have to go through all that; you obey him automatically, you [[obey]] him meekly. You walk out without a coat and you freeze to death. He doesn't care. You do it anyway despite the fact that you don't want to do it. You're dead as an individual. You have no [[choice]]. You can't object and you have no stature as a [[person]]. You're dead. A [[slave]] is a dead man. That's what Darkseid wants. Darkseid wants complete subjugation of everything at a [[word]] - his word. He wants every thinking thing under his control. &lt;br&gt; I believe it's an [[evil]] [[concept]] but he doesn't think so. 
** Jack Kirby, [https://twomorrows.com/kirby/articles/17tot.html &quot;Jack Kirby interview&quot;], ''Train of Thought'' #5, (1971); February 1990, posted May 23, 2011 in issue 134 of &quot;The Comics Journal&quot;, now on TCJ Archive

* The [[right]] [[idea]] to Darkseid is anything that benefits him. He isn't going to worry about you. He sees the world from where he sits, and of course what he sees is big. He's a big man. Darkseid is a tremendous, powerful, evil figure, and he's going to see everything in a cosmic view. He's not going to see a view of the candy store around the corner or what's playing at the Palladium next week. Darkseid is going to see everything in an over-powering cosmic view, and of course what else would he want but complete subjugation of everything? Earth is included in that everything, and my concept is that somewhere on Earth is someone who can solve the [[w:Anti-Life Equation|Anti-Life Equation, and Darkseid is after that [[poor]] [[soul]].
** Jack Kirby, [https://twomorrows.com/kirby/articles/17tot.html &quot;Jack Kirby interview&quot;], ''Train of Thought'' #5, (1971); February 1990, posted May 23, 2011 in issue 134 of &quot;The Comics Journal&quot;, now on TCJ Archive

* Darkseid considers anything [[evil]] that's going to stop him. If you stop me, I consider you evil.
** Jack Kirby, [https://twomorrows.com/kirby/articles/17tot.html &quot;Jack Kirby interview&quot;], ''Train of Thought'' #5, (1971); February 1990, posted May 23, 2011 in issue 134 of &quot;The Comics Journal&quot;, now on TCJ Archive

* As for his [Darkseid's] creation, this would've been the late 1960s, while Kirby was still at [[Marvel Comics]], before he jumped ship to [[DC]], [[w:Mark Evanier|Mark Evanier]] is on record saying Jack was channeling [[Richard Nixon]] when writing Darkseid's dialogue. Kirby hated Nixon.
** John Morrow; as quoted in &quot;Come Into The Darkside: A Look Inside the Mind of Darkseid, the Tyrant of Apokolips&quot;, by James Heath Lance; in [https://books.google.com/books?id=b4VXDwAAQBAJ ''Back Issue #104''], (June, 2018), p.26 .

*'''[[Superman]]''': Darkseid lives for [[manipulation]]. He has hypnotists, scientists and sadists whose only functions are to break your [[spirit]]. Darkseid is [[evil]].
** [[w:Tab Murphy|Tab Murphy]], ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'', (September 28, 2010).

*'''Darkseid''': To Darkseid there is [[value]] in anything that can turn a being of such [[power]] into quivering jelly. I think we owe this [[w:Mother Box|mother box]] a debt for relieving his dementia and preserving a record of it for us. Little mother box...you [[fear]] me, do you? Haven't you heard that Darkseid is a doddering old fool who spends his days working his cypher? That's right...adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing...I fear this: As long as the Anti-Life Equation is unsolved, as long as a scrap of [[free will]] exists anywhere in the [[universe]]--then Darkseid remains unfulfilled. 
** [[w:Rick Veitch|Rick Veitch]], ''[[Saga of the Swamp Thing]]'' Vol 2 #62, (July, 1987)

* Darkseid constitutes the kind of [[men]] Kirby was acquainted with in his [[youth]]. The [[w:slumlord|slum lords]], made famous in [[Will Eisner]]’s ''[[w:A Contract With God|A Contract With God]]'', were men (perhaps [[women]]?) with agendas. They operated on [[morals]] dictated by their [[business]] mindset. The [[cost]] of [[rent]], the [[w:Living conditions|living conditions]], and the [[w:quality of life|quality of life]] they allowed for their [[w:tenants|tenants]] was in line with their standards. To them, that standard was appropriate. To call them “[[evil]]” or “[[unethical]]” is an inaccurate [[w:assessment|assessment]].  They were [[gods]] within the [[worlds]] they created.
** Stuart Warren, [http://sequart.org/magazine/49427/jack-kirby-and-his-pal-darkseid/ &quot;Jack Kirby and His Pal Darkseid&quot;], ''Sequart'', (August 26, 2014). 

== External links== 
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'''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

===''[[w:Blue Harvest (Family Guy)|Blue Harvest]]''===

:''[Opening Dialogue for &quot;Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope&quot;]''
:''It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.''
:''There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.''
:''And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?''
:''Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.''
:''Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie ''Gia''. She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest...''
:''Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[C-3PO and R2-D2 are walking across a desert]''
:'''C-3PO (Quagmire)''': Ok, who would you rather do, Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
:'''R2-D2 (Cleveland)''': ''[angrily]'' My father was a service droid! ''[starts to leave]''
:'''C-3PO (Quagmire)''': Hey, where are you going?
:'''R2-D2 (Cleveland)''': Oh, you can just kiss the lower back end of the canister that is my body.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Luke''': Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womprats in my T-16.
:'''C-3PO''': My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
:'''Luke''': There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[At the Death Star meeting]''
:'''Admiral Motti''': Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
:'''Darth Vader (Stewie)''': That is fantastic! Terrific work! So, no weaknesses at all?
:'''Admiral''': ...N-no.
:'''Vader''': You...you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
:'''Admiral''': No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%
:'''Vader''': Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
:'''Admiral''': Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
:'''Vader''': Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
:'''Admiral''': Nah, it's nothing. I mean, the hole's only about two meters across.
:''' Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West)''': Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
:'''Admiral''': Exactly. And to even get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's no big deal.
:'''Vader''': Well, can't we board it up? I mean, put some plywood over it?
:'''Admiral''': Well, that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.
:'''Vader''': Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only going to go up!
:'''Admiral''': Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not given you the clairvoyance to turn around that profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... ''[Vader's force chokes Motti]''
:'''Vader''': I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown...
:'''Admiral''': ''[gasps]'' There's...nothing to do...downtown!
:'''Tarkin''': Enough of this! Vader, release him!
:'''Vader''': As you wish. ''[releases Motti]'' So, are we going to plug up that hole?
:'''Imperial Officer''': Yeah. We can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
:'''Vader''': Uhhhhh...
:'''Officer''': We'll get estimates.
:'''Vader''': Yeah, estimates, yeah.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert)''': Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
:'''Han Solo (Peter)''': Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
:'''Luke Skywalker (Chris)''': Is it a fast ship?
:'''Han''': Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
:'''Luke''': Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
:'''Han''': ''[stammers]'' Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
:'''Chewbacca (Brian)''': ''[makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink]'' Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! All right, let's go.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Meg''': Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
:'''Chris''': Yeah, but didn't [[Robot Chicken]] already do this three months ago?
:'''Peter''': Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
:'''Chris''': I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
:'''Peter''': Oh, really? Define decent.
:'''Chris''': I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
:'''Peter''': Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?
:'''Chris''': Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
:'''Peter''': Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
:'''Chris''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't know about that, Dad.
:'''Peter''': And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with &quot;Star Wars&quot; dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
:'''Chris''': Oh, so you do know  the show?
:'''Peter''': I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
:'''Chris''': ''[angrily]'' You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
:''[After Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black after the last notes]''

===''[[w:Movin' Out (Brian's Song)|Movin' Out (Brian's Song)]]''===

:'''Lois''': So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
:'''Meg''': No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
:''[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]''
:'''Meg''': What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I ''do'' to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and...we could watch [[House (TV series)|House]]?
:''[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]''
:'''Peter''': All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. ''[hangs up]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Announcer''': This Tuesday on [[w:Lifetime (network)|Lifetime]], [[w:Valerie Bertinelli|Valerie Bertinelli]] stars in a Lifetime Original movie.
:'''Bertinelli''': You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
:'''Doctor''': Well you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.
:''[Bertinelli then cries]''
:'''Announcer''': Valerie Bertinelli in : '''''Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime'''''

===''[[w:Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air|Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air]]''===

:''[the night after Joe's surgery, Joe and Bonnie finally have sex]''
:'''Joe''': YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]''
:'''Joe''': Wow, this is great! I feel so alive. Come on ladies kick your high heels off and get moving, you guys are a disgrace!
:'''Quagmire''': Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
:'''Cleveland''': Yeah, I'm afraid I might- ''[Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall]'' Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
:'''Spider-Man''': Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
:'''Peter''': Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
:'''Spider-Man''': Bingo! ''[shoots another web and flies away]''

===''100th Episode Celebration''===
:'''[[Seth MacFarlane]]''': Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of ''Family Guy'', here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. ''[smiles]'' Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from ''Family Guy'' as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': Sure, ''Family Guy'' is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some ''Family Guy'' history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers ''out'' of college.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': Welcome back to the ''Family Guy'' 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the ''Dharma &amp; Greg'' clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. ''[10 second pause]'' Well, now let's check in once again with some of our biggest fans!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': You know, some of my favorite moments on ''Family Guy'' over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny bone with some ''Family Guy''-style show stoppers.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': Hahahaha! I forgot how funny I am!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. ''[starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself]'' And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. ''Family Guy'' likes to hold a mirror up to society and say &quot;Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing&quot;. Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. ''[smiling]'' You know, I never got that phrase, &quot;shake a stick at&quot;. Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? ''[Seth and people behind the camera laugh]'' See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': We'll be right back with more ''Cold Case''. ''[more to himself than to anyone else]'' Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And ''Medium'', I hate ''Medium''. Come on, everybody!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''MacFarlane''': Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of ''Family Guy''. ''[holding up a glass]'' And here's the next 100. ''[a little bit agitated]'' And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half ''fucking years'' in the middle again! ''[smiling]'' Good night, America!

===''[[w:Stewie Kills Lois|Stewie Kills Lois]]''===

:''[Stewie aims a gun at Lois]''
:'''Lois''': Wha-what are you doing with that gun?
:'''Stewie''': Something I should have done a long time ago. ''[shoots rapidly at Lois until she falls into the water with blood on her chest]'' I DID IT! I KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD! ''[laughs maniacally until he trips and cries]'' Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! ...Oh, yeah, that's right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Judge''': Mr. Foreman, how say you?
:'''Mr. Foreman''': We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
:'''Peter''': Oh, no!
:'''Bruce''': Oh, no!
:'''Brian''': Oh, no!
:'''Meg''': Oh, no!
:'''Chris''': Oh, no!
:''[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]''
:'''Kool-Aid-Man''': OH, YEAH! ''[everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]''
:'''Judge''': Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying &quot;Oh, no!&quot; in this courtroom? Because the damn Kool-Aid Man is gonna keep showing up! Thank you.

===''[[w:Lois Kills Stewie|Lois Kills Stewie]]''===
:'''Tom''': Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?
:'''Ollie''': STEWIE KILLED LOIS!
:'''Tom''': Then what?
:'''Ollie''': PETER GOT BLAMED!
:'''Tom''': Then what?
:'''Ollie''': PETER WENT TO COURT!
:'''Tom''': Then what?
:'''Ollie''': LOIS CAME BACK!
:'''Tom''': How?
:'''Ollie''': WASN'T REALLY DEAD!
:'''Tom''': Thanks, Ollie. And now, part 2!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peter''': [picks up a ball-like object] What do you think these things do? [the ball activates and zaps both Peter and Lois]
:'''Peter''': [in Lois' body] Huh. Guess it didn't do anything.
:'''Lois''': [In Peter's body] Well, that was odd. [both scream] Oh, my God, Peter! You're me!
:'''Peter''':[in Lois' body] Holy crap! [opens Lois' shirt to check out his new breasts] Aw, sweet! [giggles and jiggles each one to the tune of &quot;Green Acres&quot;] He-he he-he-he, he he. He-he he-he-he, he he, He-he he-he-he. He-he he-he-he. He-he he-he-he, squeeze squeeze.

===''[[w:Padre de Familia (Family Guy episode)|Padre de Familia]]''===

:'''Brian''': Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
:'''Peter''': Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
:'''Brian''': He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
:'''Peter''': Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
:'''Brian''': Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
:'''Peter''': They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Peter''': Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
:'''[[w:Michael McDonald (singer)|McDonald]]''': ''[sings]'' Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
:'''Peter''': Oh, man. Not this guy again!
:'''McDonald''': ''[sings]'' Oh, man. Not this guy again!
:''[Peter farts]''
:'''McDonald''': ''[sings]'' Fart!

===''[[w:Peter's Daughter|Peter's Daughter]]''===

:''[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]''
:'''Michael''': What the hell?
:'''Meg''': What's wrong?
:'''Michael''': Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
:'''Meg''': What? Where?
:'''Michael''': Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
:''[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]''
:'''Meg''': Oh, my God! Dad!
:''[she and Michael approach Peter]''
:'''Meg''': What do you think you're doing?!
:'''Peter''': ''[Chinese accent]'' Peter? Who Peter?
:'''Meg''': I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
:'''Peter''': ''[normally]'' Oh.
:'''Meg''': Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
:'''Peter''': Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
:'''Michael''': Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
:'''Meg''': But, Michael.
:'''Michael''': I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
:''[he leaves]''
:'''Peter''': See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[after the abandoned house has been destroyed]''
:'''Brian''': Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
:'''Stewie''': Uh, he left. Pretty sure he left.
:'''Brian''': Isn't that his truck?
:''[he turns Stewie's attention to the electrician's empty truck]''
:'''Stewie''': Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to Doggie Hell.

===''[[w:McStroke|McStroke]]''===

:''[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]''
:'''Stewie''': Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than [[Will Smith]] and his nice, clean rap.
:''[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]''
:'''Smith''': Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
:I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum.
:And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready.
:Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!
:Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job
:So you can help pay for school supplies.
:A-whoo-hoo! Say &quot;Hoooo!&quot;
:Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.
:Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Peter just crashed his car]''
:'''Man in a canoe''': Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
:'''Peter''': Stop mocking me!

===''[[w:Back to the Woods (Family Guy)|Back to the Woods]]''===
:'''Woods''': Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.
:'''Peter''': Oh, come on!
:'''Joe''': You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
:''[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]''
:'''Joe''': What? You don't all wear a poop sack? ''[angrily]'' '''GODDAMN IT, BONNIE!!! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Peter appears as James Woods on [[Late Show with David Letterman|The Late Show with David Letterman]]]''
:'''[[David Letterman|Letterman]]''': Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.
:'''Peter''': Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
:'''Woods''': ''[at home with the Griffins]'' What the hell is he doing?
:'''Letterman''': Wow, I guess you ''are'' James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
:'''Peter''': Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on [[w:HBO|HBO]] next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called ''September 11th, 2000-Fun''.
:''[the studio audience gasps]''
:'''Woods''': No! No! No! No! No!
:'''Letterman''': James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
:'''Peter''': Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, &quot;Come on&quot;! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
:'''Letterman''': James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.
:'''Peter''': And the voice of the plane is [[David Spade]].
:'''Woods''': What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf. That... skinny chickenshit.

===''[[W:Play it Again, Brian|Play it Again, Brian]]''===

:'''TV''': We now return to &quot;Damn Nature, You Scary!&quot; on BET.
:'''Announcer''': ''[as a cheetah runs]'' Damn, look at that sumbitch go! He haulin' ass! That thing come by my house, I kill it! ''[the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it]'' That little rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Herbert''': ''[reading [[w:Peter and the Wolf|Peter and the Wolf]] to Chris as a bedtime story]'' &quot;... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them...&quot; 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... ''[whistles the theme to &quot;Peter and the Wolf&quot;]''
:'''Chris''': Are you a pedophile?

===''[[W:The Former Life of Brian|The Former Life of Brian]]''===

:''[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]''
:'''Stewie''': Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
:'''Brian''': Really?
:'''Stewie''': Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Stewie''': Saw me in half.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lois''': I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
:'''Peter''': You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
:'''Lois''': What?
:'''Peter''': What?

===''[[W:Long John Peter|Long John Peter]]''===

:''[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]''
:'''Peter''': Hey, guys, what's going on?
:'''Joe''': No way!
:'''Quagmire''': Cool!
:'''Cleveland''': That thing don't bite, do it?
:'''Peter''': Guys, say hello to [[w:Adrien Brody|Adrian Beakey]].
:'''Parrot''': Pick a lane, bitch!
:'''Peter''': Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
:'''Parrot''': I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle? 
:''[Peter laughs]''
:'''Parrot''': I had a gay experience at camp!
:'''Peter''': ''[uncomfortable]'' Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]''
:'''Lois''': Chris, honey, what's wrong?
:'''Chris''': Anna took a dump on me.
:'''Lois''': What?!
:'''Chris''': Yeah, she broke up with me.
:'''Lois''': Oh-ho, she ''dumped'' you. ''That's'' what you meant to say.
:'''Chris''': What's the difference?
:'''Lois''': Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Family Guy}}
* {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}}
* [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com]
* [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes]
* [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com]

[[Category:Family Guy seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Samuel Foote</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>78546</id>
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      <id>3150313</id>
      <parentid>2657885</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T15:47:10Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="1594" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Samuel Foote by Jean François Colson.jpg|thumb|A portrait of Samuel Foote]]
'''[[w:Samuel Foote|Samuel Foote]]''' (January 1720 – [[October 21]], [[1777]]) was an English dramatist, actor and theatre manager from [[w:Cornwall|Cornwall]].

==Quotes==
* Play me no plays.
**''The Knights'' (1748, published 1754), act ii.

*Born in a cellar, and living in a garret.
**''The Author'' (1757), Act ii. Compare: &quot;Born in the garret, in the kitchen bred&quot;, [[Lord Byron]], ''A Sketch''; &quot;I came up stairs into the world, for I was born in a cellar&quot; [[William Congreve]], ''Love for Love'', Act ii, Scene 7.

*He made him a hut, wherein he did put&lt;br&gt;The carcass of Robinson Crusoe.&lt;br&gt;O poor Robinson Crusoe!
**''The Mayor of Garratt'' (1763, published 1764), Act i, Scene 1.

*&quot;Foote,&quot; (said [[w:John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich|lord Sandwich]]) &quot;I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think, that you must either die of the p-x, or the halter.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; &quot;My lord,&quot; (replied Foote instantaneously) &quot;that will depend upon one of two contingencies; — whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles.&quot;
** [[w:Percival Stockdale|Percival Stockdale]], ''The Memoirs of the Life and Writings of Percival Stockdale'' (1809), quoted in ''The Yale Book of Quotations'',  ed. Fred R. Shapiro, 2006, Yale University Press.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{gutenberg author| id=Foote+Samuel | name=Samuel Foote}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Foote, Samuel}}
[[Category:English playwrights]]
[[Category:1777 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Cornwall]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150314</id>
      <parentid>3150313</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T15:47:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1638" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Samuel Foote by Jean François Colson.jpg|thumb|A portrait of Samuel Foote]]
'''[[w:Samuel Foote|Samuel Foote]]''' (January 1720 – [[October 21]], [[1777]]) was an English dramatist, actor and theatre manager from [[w:Cornwall|Cornwall]].

==Quotes==
* Play me no plays.
**''The Knights'' (1748, published 1754), act ii.

*Born in a cellar, and living in a garret.
**''The Author'' (1757), Act ii. Compare: &quot;Born in the garret, in the kitchen bred&quot;, [[Lord Byron]], ''A Sketch''; &quot;I came up stairs into the world, for I was born in a cellar&quot; [[William Congreve]], ''Love for Love'', Act ii, Scene 7.

*He made him a hut, wherein he did put&lt;br&gt;The carcass of Robinson Crusoe.&lt;br&gt;O poor Robinson Crusoe!
**''The Mayor of Garratt'' (1763, published 1764), Act i, Scene 1.

*&quot;Foote,&quot; (said [[w:John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich|lord Sandwich]]) &quot;I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think, that you must either die of the p-x, or the halter.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; &quot;My lord,&quot; (replied Foote instantaneously) &quot;that will depend upon one of two contingencies; — whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles.&quot;
** [[w:Percival Stockdale|Percival Stockdale]], ''The Memoirs of the Life and Writings of Percival Stockdale'' (1809), quoted in ''The Yale Book of Quotations'',  ed. Fred R. Shapiro, 2006, Yale University Press.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{gutenberg author| id=Foote+Samuel | name=Samuel Foote}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Foote, Samuel}}
[[Category:English playwrights]]
[[Category:1777 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Cornwall]]
[[Category:Actors from the United Kingdom]]</text>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1663" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Samuel Foote by Jean François Colson.jpg|thumb|A portrait of Samuel Foote]]
'''[[w:Samuel Foote|Samuel Foote]]''' (January 1720 – [[October 21]], [[1777]]) was an English dramatist, actor and theatre manager from [[w:Cornwall|Cornwall]].

==Quotes==
* Play me no plays.
**''The Knights'' (1748, published 1754), act ii.

*Born in a cellar, and living in a garret.
**''The Author'' (1757), Act ii. Compare: &quot;Born in the garret, in the kitchen bred&quot;, [[Lord Byron]], ''A Sketch''; &quot;I came up stairs into the world, for I was born in a cellar&quot; [[William Congreve]], ''Love for Love'', Act ii, Scene 7.

*He made him a hut, wherein he did put&lt;br&gt;The carcass of Robinson Crusoe.&lt;br&gt;O poor Robinson Crusoe!
**''The Mayor of Garratt'' (1763, published 1764), Act i, Scene 1.

*&quot;Foote,&quot; (said [[w:John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich|lord Sandwich]]) &quot;I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think, that you must either die of the p-x, or the halter.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; &quot;My lord,&quot; (replied Foote instantaneously) &quot;that will depend upon one of two contingencies; — whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles.&quot;
** [[w:Percival Stockdale|Percival Stockdale]], ''The Memoirs of the Life and Writings of Percival Stockdale'' (1809), quoted in ''The Yale Book of Quotations'',  ed. Fred R. Shapiro, 2006, Yale University Press.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{gutenberg author| id=Foote+Samuel | name=Samuel Foote}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Foote, Samuel}}
[[Category:English playwrights]]
[[Category:1777 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Cornwall]]
[[Category:Actors from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:1720 births]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Last words in Disney animated films</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <text bytes="45187" xml:space="preserve">The [[last words]] of various characters in [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] animated films.

== Quotes ==
===Disney Animated Canon===
*Oh, I feel strange.
**Who: Snow White
**Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)
**Note: After eating the poison apple The Evil Queen gave to her, then she collapses to the ground unconsciously. Then she got revived later after the prince gives her a &quot;true-love's first kiss.&quot;

*I'll fix ya! I'll crush your bones!
**Who: The Evil Queen
**Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)
**Note: The villain says this line after being chased up to the top of a cliff by the dwarfs, before trying to push a boulder down the cliff with the intention of killing them. Before she can do this however, lightning strikes the ridge she is standing by, the cliff breaks apart, and she falls. She either dies from the fall or ends up crushed by the boulder that was intended for the dwarfs.

*AAAAAAAAH! I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! SOMEBODY HELP! I've been framed! HELP! Please, you've got to help me. Oh, be a pal, will ya? Call that beetle. Call anybody! Mama! ''[loudly] MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA...!!!!!''
**Who: Lampwick
**Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)
**Note: Said after unknowingly being cursed, when he realizes he is turning into a donkey as the curse starts to take effect. Right after he says this, the transformation is complete and his words turn to brays, leaving him still alive, but no longer able to speak, making these his final words. A deleted scene shows Lampwick still able to talk and warns Pinocchio to get out while he still can.

*Hang on, Father!
**Who: Pinocchio
**Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)
**Note: Said this before being killed by a giant wave, trying to save his father Geppetto, but is later revived as a real boy by the Blue Fairy.

*Bambi, quick, the thicket! Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!
**Who: Bambi's mother
**Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)
**Note: Said to her son as she realizes Man was coming for them. She is then shot and killed by one offscreen.

*He's almost here. I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER!
**Who: Unnamed pheasant
**Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)
**Note: She says this to the other pheasants, trying to warn them a hunter was coming for them. She is then shot and killed by him offscreen while flying in panic; her lifeless body is then shown falling to the ground.

*♪ ''Oh, the li-i-i--'' ♪
**Who: Skylights
**Source: ''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953)
**Note: Captain Hook shoots him with his pistol.

*NO! IT CANNOT BE! Now, shall you deal with ''me'', O Prince, and all the powers of HELL!
**Who: Maleficent
**Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959)
**Note: Maleficent turns into a black dragon after saying this. She is slain after Prince Phillip throws his sword into her heart.

*You're going to Timbuktu if it's the last thing I do.
**Who: Edgar Balthazar
**Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)
**Note: Said after he locks Thomas O'Malley, Duchess, and her kittens in a crate to send to Timbuktu. Then, the alley cats attack, freeing the captives and locking Edgar into the crate before he is shipped to Timbuktu.

*No! You'll not have me! My power cannot die! CURSE YOU! No! NO!!!
**Who: The Horned King
**Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)
**Note: The Horned King grabbed Taran and tried to throw him into the Black Cauldron, but the Cauldron pulls the Horned King in instead and dissolves him.

*''♪ Oh, Ratigan, oh, Ratigan, you're at the top and that's that... ♪'' Oh dear. ''♪ To Ratigan, to Ratigan, to Ratigan... the world's greatest— ♪''
**Who: Bartholomew the Mouse
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Ratigan's henchman, Bartholomew, falls into some alcohol and emerges very drunk and calls his boss &quot;the world's greatest rat&quot;. Since Ratigan hates being called a &quot;rat&quot; and prefers the term of &quot;a big mouse,&quot; he angrily asks, &quot;What was that? What did you call me?&quot; and sentences Bartholomew to death at the hands of his pet cat, who eats him up while he's still drunkenly singing of Ratigan's glory, unaware of what is about to happen despite Ratigan telling him.

*No! Not me! Wait, I can't fly! I can't flyyyyyyy!
**Who: Fidget
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Professor Ratigan and his henchman Fidget, a peg-legged bat with a broken wing, are attempting to make their escape in a small pedal-powered airship with Olivia Flaversham as hostage. Fidget grows tired of pedaling and suggests lightening the load, gesturing towards Olivia. Ratigan comments, &quot;Oh, you want to lighten the load? Excellent idea!&quot; and throws Fidget out of the basket. He shouts these words as he pitifully flutters and finally falls towards the Thames river. A ''Disney Adventures'' comic reveals he survived the fall, and has reformed and becomes Olivia's sidekick.

*I've WON!
**Who: Professor Ratigan
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Said after knocking Basil off Big Ben, thinking he's finally killed his nemesis. Basil reveals himself to be alive after saying, &quot;On the contrary... The game's not over yet!&quot;, rings a bell, and the clock strikes midnight; the clock's loud bell knocks Ratigan off balance and he falls to his death.

*This has been very entertaining. But party is over. ''[almost snaps his fingers, but a bike horn is heard]'' ''[Fagin: Whoa! Come on, come on! Let's go!]'' FAGIN!
**Who: Sykes
**Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)
**Note: Fagin, previously in debt to Sykes, has rescued Jenny from being held for ransom to get money by him. An enraged Sykes pursues him to give Jenny back, Jenny, Oliver and Dodger's gang across a railway, only to eventually be killed when he collides with a train.

*This way.
**Who: Flotsam and Jetsam
**Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)
**Note: Are blasted by a ray from King Triton's trident and destroyed.

*SO MUCH FOR &quot;TRUE LOVE&quot;!
**Who: Ursula
**Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)
**Note: Ursula has been referring to the romance of Ariel and Prince Eric, which she thought she has broken up. However, she may be referring to Triton's sacrifice for Ariel and how she is going to kill Ariel anyway. She is then stabbed by the bow of a ship sailed by Eric immediately after saying this line, and consequently, Triton and all the merpeople she transformed into polyps revert back to their original forms.

*I whooped ya! I whooped ya all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ... ''[He sees Joanna waving to him and goes uncontrollably over the falls]'' No!
**Who: Percival C. McLeach
**Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)
**Note: After scaring off a group of crocodiles closing in on him, McLeach goes over the waterfall, and plummets to his death.

*Let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I-I-I'll do anything! Anything!
**Who: Gaston LeGume
**Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)
**Note: Said this to convince the Beast to spare him after realizing that he cannot win, who soon sternly replies to him, &quot;Get out.&quot; After the Beast reunites with Belle, however, Gaston then stabs the Beast, but as a result of doing so, falls off the balcony to his death, judging by the fact that the animators added skulls to his pupils, signifying his death. Gaston was meant to survive the fall, but then gets eaten by a pack of wolves in a deleted scene.

*At least... I got to see you... one last time....
**Who: The Beast
**Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)
**Note: Said this to Belle while dying from his stab by Gaston and the last petal about to fall of the enchanted rose. When the last petal falls away, the Beast dies, leaving Belle mourning his death in pain and admitting her love for him. But suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast, rising him into the air, breaking the curse and turning him back into his true form Prince Adam, while being alive.

*''[Cave of Wonders: Who disturbs my slumber?]'' It is-- It is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. ''[Cave of Wonders: Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.]'' ''[Jafar: What are you waiting for? Go on!]''
**Who: Gazeem
**Source: ''[[Aladdin]]'' (1992)
**Note: Said this before getting swallowed by the Cave of Wonders and fell into a lava offscreen, leaving Jafar and Iago behind.

*Scar! Brother, help me!
*Remember.
**Who: [[w:Mufasa|Mufasa]]
**Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994) and (2019)
**Note: Mufasa, who was hanging on a cliff trying to get away from a [[w:blue wildebeest|blue wildebeest]] stampede after saving his son [[w:Simba|Simba]], pleads for Scar to help him, but Scar refuses, grabbing Mufasa's paws, mockingly says, &quot;Long live the king.&quot; and then tosses him from the cliff into the stampede, straight to his death. Mufasa years later appears in the clouds as a [[w:spirit|spirit]], convincing his son to return to Pride Rock and reclaim his place as king. Next line is the last word he says; last word of the movie.

*No, let-- No, l-l-l-l-let-- Let me explain. No, you don't understand. No, I didn't mean-- No! No! I can, I-I was mai- No!
**Who: Scar
**Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994) and (2019)
**Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions.

*What's wrong? Is she all right?
**Who: Kocoum
**Source: ''[[Pocahontas]]'' (1995)
**Note: Kocoum went to find her but John Smith attacked him and Thomas shot him in the chest and starts falling into the water.

*Sanctuary! Please give us sanctuary!
**Who: Quasimodo's mother
**Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)
**Note: Said before being murdered by Frollo on the steps of Notre Dame; previously, when baby Quasimodo was crying, she said &quot;Hush, little one.&quot;

*&quot;And [[w:God in Christianity|He]] shall smite the wicked, and ''plunge'' them into [[w:Hell|The Fiery Pit!]]&quot;
**Who: [[w:Claude Frollo|Claude Frollo]]
**Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)
**Note: Ironically quoted the Bible seconds before he plunges to his death into a lake of molten lead, weighted down by a gargoyle, which appeared to roar in his face shortly before breaking off with him clinging to the underside.

*ME BITE OFF ''HEAD''! ''[Laughs evilly]''
**Who: Cyclops
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: When about to kill a powerless Hercules, he is blinded with burning wood by the hero, who then trips him by wrapping a rope around his ankles. He tumbles over a cliff to his death.

*You haven't got much time. You can still stop Hades.
**Who: Megara
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: In an earlier scene, Hercules had willingly agreed with the villainous Hades to give up his powers on the condition that no harm came to Megara. However, she is accidentally crushed by a pillar and mortally wounded anyway and Hercules regains his powers by lifting it away. After Hercules stops the Titans, her soul is sent to the Underworld by the Fates. Hercules then frees and resurrects Megara after defeating Hades.

*''[Zeus: Now watch your old man work!]'' Uh-oh.
**Who:  Lythos (Rock Titan)
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: Heads blown off by Zeus's thunderbolts.

*Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! ''[Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets out of there!] [Pain: You mean, ''if'' he gets out of there.]'' Taxi! ''[Panic: &quot;If.&quot;]'' Taxi! ''[Panic: &quot;If&quot; is good.]'' Oh, I don't feel so good! I feel a little... ''fluuuuuuushed!''
*What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste in something, but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like, what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what? HYPERSPACE?! HELLO! IT'S ME! Nobody listens.
**Who: Hades
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: Said to the souls that drag him down into River Styx after Hercules punches him down there. (It should be remembered though that being a God, Hades technically can't die, as he's immortal, but given that he'll spend the rest of eternity at the bottom of the Styx, these are last words). His voice, however, was still heard in the end of the film's credits.

*It looks like you're out of ideas.
**Who: Shan-Yu
**Source: ''[[Mulan]]'' (1998)
**Note: The villain says this line after chasing Mulan up to the top of the palace roof. Mulan replies, &quot;Not quite,&quot; and then takes his sword and uses it to pin his coat to the roof, leaving him unable to get out of the way of a big fireworks rocket ignited by Mushu. Shan-Yu is then launched by the fireworks supply, blowing him up.

*Go ahead, shoot me. ''[chuckles]'' Be a man.
**Who: Clayton
**Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)
**Note: Clayton, facing Tarzan, said this when he is holding his rifle to his head. Tarzan refuses, imitates a gunshot, then replies, &quot;I'm not a man like you.&quot; in which he smashes the rifle. Then Clayton attacks in a rage with a machete. In his rage, he slices through several vines, one of which wraps around his neck and suspends him, ending in him hanging himself when the vine snaps his neck.

*Take care of them...my son. {{small|Take care of them.}}
**Who: Kerchak
**Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)
**Note: Kerchak, being the [[w:silverback|silverback]] leader of the band of [[w:mountain gorilla|gorilla]]s, symbolically acknowledges Tarzan as his adopted son and his successor before dying from injuries inflicted by Clayton after the [[w:poacher|poacher]] shot him as he angrily roars and charges at him when he was his son Tarzan shot in the arm.

*Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back.
**Who: Iguanodon scout
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: While looking for water, Bruton and the scout are ambushed by two Carnotaurs, and the scout is killed.

*I'll hold them off! You help the others!
**Who: Bruton
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: Bruton battles the two Carnotaurs and buries them by causing a rockslide, but dies after being crushed himself.

*Oh, no!
**Who: Kron
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: Kron is cornered and killed by a Carnotaurus.

*Return the Crystal. Save Atlantis. Save my daughter.
**Who: King Kashekim Nedakh
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Said to Milo as the character dies from internal bleeding after being punched by Rourke and confers on him the task of retrieving Kida and saving Atlantis. Nedakh was very old and frail, which is why he was mortally wounded when Rourke punched him.

*''[weakly]'' Nothing personal.
**Who: Helga Sinclair
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Helga, having been thrown from a hot-air balloon by Rourke, who uttered the same words while doing so, fires a gun at the balloon as she lies on the ground, causing it to descend. Although her death is never confirmed onscreen, the place is flooded by lava a little later, so it is highly likely that she died.

*Tired, Mr. Thatch? Hyah! Ah, that's a ''darn shame''... 'Cause I'm JUST GETTING ''WARMED UP!''
**Who: Lyle Tiberius Rourke
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Rourke, facing Milo Thatch aboard a hot-air balloon, is about to strike but is cut by a shard of glass from Kida's container, crystallizing his body. He is still alive after the crystallization, however, but is killed soon after when his body is chopped up by the balloon's propeller.

*He'll be comin' soon. Can't let them find this! ''[Jim Hawkins: Who's coming?]'' The cyborg! Beware... the cyborg!
**Who: Billy Bones
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Spoken to Jim about Long John Silver, after being mortally wounded when his spaceship crashed.

*Aye, Captain. You heard her, men! Unfurl those sails!
**Who: Mr. Arrow
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Mr. Arrow says this line while on board a space ship, but is killed when he is sucked overboard into a black hole when Scroop cuts his lifeline.

*Oh, yes. Do say hello to Mr. Arrow.
**Who: Scroop
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Scroop killed Mr. Arrow earlier by cutting his lifeline and sending him down a black hole. At that moment, he is about to kill Jim Hawkins in a similar fashion, but he manages to escape after saying, &quot;Tell him yourself!&quot;, and push Scroop aside. He ends up stuck in the ship's flag, and floats out into space with a scream, never to be seen again.

*What?
**Who: Sitka
**Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said before he was killed by Koda's mother.

*Koda?
**Who: Koda's mother
**Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said before she got killed by Kenai.

*No. You gotta go on without me, Commander. Just save me some ammo, a little water, some chips if you have them.
**Who: Sci-fi version of Runt of the Litter
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)
**Note: A character in a over-the-top sci-fi version of Chicken Little's encounter with the aliens. Apparently shot down by an alien ship, and says this over a ship intercom before dying.

*Top of The Food Chain, Ma! Top of the Food Cha… Uh-oh.
**Who: Kazar
**Source: ''[[The Wild (film)|The Wild]]'' (2006)
**Note: Kazar attempts to kill Samson and Ryan and, after an intense battle, Blag and the rest of the wildebeests refuse to serve Kazar any further. Samson gains the courage he needs and roars powerfully enough to push back a charging Kazar. The animals, along with the wildebeests flee except Kazar, who is trapped in the erupting volcano, in which he gets crushed to death by a falling rock.

*No, no, please, no! Just a little more time! I promise I'll pay y'all back! I PROMISE!
**Who: Dr. Facilier
**Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)
**Note: Spoken when Dr. Facilier tries to plead with the Shadows when Tiana breaks his voodoo talisman. Having lost the leverage he needed to collect souls for them, he is unable to pay back his debt to them, and as punishment, they drag him to the &quot;Other Side&quot;.

*''[Louis: Tiana! Naveen!] [Naveen: Louis, what is it?] [Louis: Shadow Man done laid poor Ray low.] [Tiana: Ray?] [Louis: He's hurting awful bad.]'' Hey, there. How come... you're... still... ''[Tiana: We're stayin' frogs, Ray.] [Naveen: And we're staying together.]'' Oh... I like that very much. Evangeline... likes that too.
**Who: Ray
**Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)
**Note: Spoken before his light dimmed off. He soon dies when his family of fireflies bid him a farewell. In an early scene, he had been squashed by Dr. Facilier.

*No! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
**Who: Mother Gothel
**Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)
**Note: After Flynn Rider cuts Rapunzel's hair, its magical effects wear off and Mother Gothel's true age catches up with her. As she panics, she gets tripped over Rapunzel's hair by Pascal the chameleon and falls out of the tower to her death, aging into dust before she hits the ground.

*Rapunzel. ''[Rapunzel: What?]'' You were my new dream. ''[Rapunzel: (chuckles tearfully) And you were mine.]''
**Who: Flynn Rider
**Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)
**Note: Says this to Rapunzel after Mother Gothel stabs him as he was about to save her. She and Rapunzel make a deal if Mother' let her heal him, she'd stay with her forever. But, unfortunately he cuts off Rapunzel's hair to reveal Gothel's true identity. As a result, she fell off her tower and died. After he dies, her tears of love heals him and helps her escape.

*You FOOLS! Why are you going into the ligh—? Oh... Oooh... No! Yes... Go into the LIGHT!
**Who: King Candy / Turbo
**Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)
**Note: As Turbo had been transfigured into a partially Cy-Bug based form, the Cy-Bug side of him was attracted towards a Mentos-Diet Cola eruption started to destroy the other Cy-Bugs. As his Turbo side tries to resist the pull towards the eruption, he is ultimately dragged into it and vaporized; because video game characters who die outside their own games never regenerate, he is gone for good.

*You'll be fine, Elsa.
**Who: Agnarr
**Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)
**Note: Said this to Elsa before departing off to sea for about two weeks. He, along with his wife Queen Iduna were killed by due to their ship being capsized by a tidal wave during a storm at sea.

*NOOO!!!
**Who: Anna
**Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)
**Note: Says this as she uses her final ounce of strength to block Elsa from Hans' attack, becoming frozen to ice in the process. She is eventually revived because her actions constitute an &quot;act of true love&quot;.

*Callaghan's in there! Someone has to help!
**Who: Tadashi Hamada
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014)
**Note: Says this to Hiro before he tries to save Professor Callaghan from a fire at the Expo hall. He was killed in the ensuing explosion from the fire.

*Hiro, I will always be with you.
**Who: Baymax
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014)
**Note: Says this to Hiro after he got smashed by one of the building parts. After that accident, he is forced to sacrifice his life by telling Hiro to say that he is satisfied with his care. Hiro was worried about losing Baymax like he did with Tadashi after the explosion. However in the series, he rebuilds Baymax without his friends knowing. 

*Go...
**Who: Gramma Tala
**Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)

*The waves are too high! Take cover! IDUNA!!!/AGNARR!!!
**Who: Queen Iduna and King Agnarr
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Shown through an ice sculpture memory created by Elsa that they were submerged along with their ship.

*Anna...!
**Who: Elsa
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Freezes to ice upon venturing into the deepest part of Ahtohallan and learning the dark truth of King Runeard. She is later revived once the dam is destroyed.

*I like warm hugs.
**Who: Olaf
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Olaf disintegrates in Anna's arms after Elsa turns frozen. He is later revived by Elsa once the curse upon the forest is lifted.

*I trust you, Namaari.
**Who: Sisu
**Source: ''Raya and the Last Dragon'' (2021)
**Note: Sisu glows as she wanted to trust Namaari, but Raya avoids the attack and Namaari fires at Sisu accidentally. Then Sisu drowns in water afterwards. She is later revived by the Dragon Gem power after the Druun are defeated.

===Pixar===
*'''Well, what's this? Another one of your little bird tricks?''' ['''Flik:''' Yep.] '''Are there a bunch of little girls in this one, too? Hello, girls!'''
**Who: Hopper
**Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)
**Note: He corners Flik near a bird's nest and strangles him. A bird pops out from the nest and Hopper thinks the bird is one of Flik's tricks, but he soon realizes she is real. Hopper screams and tries to escape, but the bird blocks his path as she snatches him in her beak in one swift move and takes him to her nest where he is eaten by her newborn chicks, thus ending his reign of terror on the ant colony.

*['''Evil Emperor Zurg:''' So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear. For the last time.] '''Not today, Zurg!'''
**Who: Utility Belt Buzz Lightyear
**Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)
**Note: Said this before getting his top half vaporized by his archenemy the Evil Emperor Zurg. But it's revealed to be a video game that Rex has been playing as the words &quot;GAME OVER&quot; appear on the screen.

*'''Marlin! Stop it!''' ''[laughs]'' ['''Marlin:''' Well, you got a little closer, 'cause it's wiggling.] '''Get away, get away!''' ['''Marlin:''' Here he is! Cutie's here! ''[notices other fish disappear]'' Where'd everybody go? ''[sees barracuda and gasps in horror]'' Coral. Get inside the house, Coral. ''[Coral looks at the eggs]'' No. No, Coral, don't. They'll be fine. Just get inside. You, right now. ''[Coral hesitates, and darts for the fish eggs. Barracuda notices, and darts toward them]'' ''[alarmed]'' '''''NO!''''']
**Who: Coral
**Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said to her husband Marlin, who is playfully trying to kiss her. Shortly afterwards, Coral, along with all but one of the eggs, is eaten by a barracuda after trying to protect them.

*'''Abort, abort, abort!'''
**Who: Snug
**Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)
**Note: Line is spoken before the missiles ordered by Syndrome hit the jet on the way to the island, causing the plane to explode. Elastigirl notices the pilot's hat underwater. From an official deleted scene.

*'''This isn't the end of it! I will get your son eventually! I'll get your son!''' ''[laughs evilly, but gasps after seeing Bob hurling his car into the jet]'' '''Oh, no.'''
**Who: Buddy Pine / Syndrome
**Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)
**Note: Line is spoken before the villain's cape gets caught in one of his plane's turbines. Bob Parr/Mr. Incredible throws his car at Syndrome, making him fall and get sucked into the turbine by his cape and the plane explodes.

*'''Any last words, Fredricksen? Come on, spit it out.''' ['''Carl:''' Come on!] '''ENOUGH! I'm taking that bird back with me, ALIVE... OR DEAD!!'''
**Who: Charles Muntz
**Source: ''[[Up]]'' (2009)
**Note: Carl walks backwards with Kevin from Muntz who destroys his prized possessions with a sword. Charles pursues Carl up to the top of the floating house they are standing on only to fall off the house to his death.

*'''NO!'''
**Who: Rod &quot;Torque&quot; Redline
**Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)
**Note: In the secret lair, Rod is tied down and fueled with &quot;Allinol&quot;, and Professor Zündapp demonstrates what happens when cars are fueled with Allinol are exposed to an electro-magnetic pulse. As a result, Rod dies from spontaneous combustion after saying this line.

*'''Ya-ha-ha! You made it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Go! Go save Riley! Ha-ha-ha! Take her to the moon for me. Okay?'''
**Who: Bing Bong
**Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)
**Note: After Bing Bong sacrifices himself to help Joy blast out of the memory dump with his rocket, he says this to Joy before he fades away from Riley's memory.

*'''RUN, ARLO!'''
**Who: Poppa Henry
**Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)
**Note: He is killed by the rushing rapids after saying this to his son to get him to escape from a flash flood.

*'''Brings back memories. ''Gracias.'''''
**Who: Chicharrón
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: After being serenaded by Hector, he fades away into oblivion, being forgotten forever.

*'''Hate me if you want, but my mind is made up.'''
*'''Go home.'''
**Who: Hector
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note 1: A flashback of how Hector died. 
**Note 2: Is about to be forgotten forever.

*'''Nice kitty. Put me down! No, please! I'm begging you! Stop, stop!'''
**Who: Ernesto de la Cruz
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: Ernesto flew away from Pepita and is crushed with death by a giant bell.

*'''When I was a little girl, my Papa would sing such beautiful songs.'''
**Who: Coco Rivera
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: One year later, she arrived at the Land of the Remembered.

*['''Mei:''' All I wanted... was to go to a '''''CONCERT!'''''] '''I never went to concerts! I put my family first! I tried to be a good daughter!'''
**Who: Ming Lee
**Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)
**Note: Ming gets knocked out unconscious by her daughter at SkyDome. Then revived by the family ritual with help of Mei's friends and 4*Town and had her panda spirit released.

*'''Goodbye, Buzz. I'm sorry I won't be there to see you finish the mission. To infinity...''' ['''Buzz:''' ...and beyond.]
**Who: Alisha Hawthorne
**Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)
**Note: Alisha sent her final message to Buzz before she dies of old age.

=== 20th Century Animation ===
*''[Anastasia: This is for Dimitri.]'' Give it back! ''[Anastasia: This is for my family!]'' I'll tear you to pieces! ''[Anastasia: And this... this is for you!]'' NO! ''[Anastasia: Do svidanya!]''
**Who: Rasputin
**Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)
**Note: She crushes his evil magic life with her foot and causes the green ghoul magic to kill him, turns into skeleton and then into dust.

*What are you doing?! ''[Diego: Leave the mammoth alone.]'' Fine. I'll take you down first.
**Who: Soto
**Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)
**Note: He was facing Manny but Diego gets in his way to fight him. But he knocked Diego out, and when he was going for the baby, Manny throws him at a wall and icicles falls on him and kills him.

*What are you doing?! Get off of me! Ow! Ahh! Let me go, do as I say! Get off!
**Who: Madame Gasket
**Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)
**Note: As they are swinging away from and toward the furnace, Ratchet clings to his mother, who tells him to get off. Ratchet gets off by hanging on to a wire he released while Gasket goes straight towards the furnace, where she meets her destruction.

*''[Ratchet's dad: It's alright, son. You can shine no matter what you're...]'' Oh, just stop!
**Who: Phineas T. Ratchet
**Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)
**Note: He ended up hanging with his father, after he lost his upgrades.

*Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.
**Who: [[w:Mike Dirnt|Mike Dirnt]]
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: The real-life member of [[w:Green Day|Green Day]] says this after the barge that he and the other band members were playing on is dissolved by the sludge in Lake Springfield, sending all of them to their deaths. They then take out violins, and play ''[[w:Nearer My God to Thee|Nearer My God to Thee]]'' on them in place of their normal instruments. Both the line and the incident itself are parodies of the band that played on the [[w:RMS Titanic|RMS ''Titanic'']] as it sank.

*Oh, I don't know what to do! If I stay, I'm trapped, if I leave, I'm alone! Oh God! In! Out! In! Out! I never saw Venice! I-
**Who: Unnamed Man
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Note: As Springfield is getting encased in a giant glass dome, one man contemplates in a worried rush of whether or not he should leave the dome. As he says this, the giant dome crushes him.

*Bye, everybody!
**Who: Dr. Nick Rivera
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: After the dome is destroyed, Chief Wiggum mentions that nobody was hurt in the ordeal. He then looks around to see Dr. Nick crushed under a giant chunk of plastic. His last words are a take-off on his usual catchphrase (&quot;Hi, everybody!&quot;).
	 
*Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
**Who: Russ Cargill
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: Said as he prepares to shoot Homer with a shotgun. Before he can fire, Maggie drops a rock on him. May not have died, but was not seen or referenced for the rest of the movie.

*Like... melted gold...
**Who: Rat
**Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)
**Note: Before he could kill Ash, Mr. Fox arrived and fought him, and Rat was killed by getting electrocuted by an electric fence. As he lay dying, he told where the three farmers' hideout is, then he died.

*Oh, pity. Now we have two useless flightless birds.
**Who: Nigel
**Source: ''[[Rio (2011 film)|Rio]]'' (2011)
**Note: Blu attaches the cord with the fire extinguisher, telling him not cool. Then lets him flying through the cockpit, then get hit by one of motor engine of the plane. Later in post-credits scene, he was all pink but snapshotted by Mauro.

*''[&quot;Female ape&quot;/Ape siren: Oh, Captain Gutt..]'' That's me.... ''[&quot;Female ape&quot;/Ape siren: Let's rule the seas together...]'' Aye, aye.... Huh?
**Who: Captain Gutt
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: After being defeated by Manny in a duel at a sliding iceberg and sent flying rather far away out of sight, Gutt a piece of ice to float on the water with, but notices fins sticking out of the water close to them where he encounters a seductive female of his species. Unfortunately, the female is a siren and it pulls Gutt into the shell. All that can be heard are crunching sounds and Gutt's screams of pain as he is eaten alive.

*No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
**Who: Ariscratle
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: Before Scrat could pull out the giant acorn, Ariscratle called out for Scrat to stop before he could pull the acorn out, reminding the squirrel to rise above his animalistic desires and to be more than a mere rodent. Scrat, however, pulled the acorn out anyway, flooding all of Scratlantis and taking all the squirrels, Ariscratle among them, down the plughole.

*What's that little saying you people have? &quot;Lots of leaves, something, something...&quot; Very inspiring. But in the end, every leaf falls and ''dies'' alone.
**Who: Mandrake
**Source: ''[[Epic (film)|Epic]]'' (2013)
**Note: He gets beaten by Ronin and Nod when they work together, using their swords to push him out of the queen's castle. The gust of wind pushes him to a piece of sap or tar, imprisoning him. His magical staff was with him when he was covered with the tar, so it is unclear if he will escape or not. It is assumed that he would never escape, as his fate was presumably sealed to death.

*Lollipop?
**Who: Big Boss
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Notes: After being knocked down by Nigel, he finds himself face to face with a giant boa. Later, the boa, now with a full belly the size of a human (revealing that he was eaten alive), spits out the lollipop.

*''[Gabi: Oh, Nigel! Nigel!]'' No, no! Somebody help me! ''[Gabi: I'm never gonna let you go!]'' I'm sorry, I'll be nice. No, no! Charlie! CHARLIE!! AHH! THIS IS UNNATURAL!
**Who: Nigel
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Note: He gets dragged away by Gabi after they played dead. Then later gets brought back to Rio.

*Oh, Nigel. Wow. A honeymoon in Rio! Yay!
**Who: Gabi
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Note: She gets excited about going to Rio With Nigel.

*Okay, it's time. ''[Young Ferdinand: You're gonna come back, right?]'' What? That matador doesn't stand a chance, okay? ''[Young Ferdinand: Okay.]'' And after I win, I'm coming back here, and I'm gonna show you all my moves. Even my secret ones.
**Who: Raf
**Source: ''[[Ferdinand (film)|Ferdinand]]'' (2017)
**Note: He promises his son to return and show him all his secret moves. He bids farewell to Ferdinand and boards the truck to the Plaza. Unfortunately, Raf loses the fight and is killed. Later, his horns and photograph are framed up on the wall in Moreno's house along with the rest of the previous bulls who thought they had a chance in the ring, a fact Ferdinand would eventually discover when he was all grown-up after that.

=== Hyperion Animation ===
*IT'S MY FUNCTION!!!!!!!!
**Who: Air Conditioner
**Source: ''[[The Brave Little Toaster (film)|The Brave Little Toaster]]'' (1987)
**Note: After being insulted by Kirby, character gets angry and overheats before blowing himself up. After the appliances lament character's loss, Kirby says, &quot;Well, he was a jerk anyway.&quot; (Later on in the film, after finding the cabin in a mess, the Master, Rob, fixes the air conditioner and restores him to life).

=== Other (DTV sequels etc.) ===
*''[Mickey: Wait, you're not gonna...]'' Put your brain in his body? ''[imitates buzzer]'' That's right! ''[laughs diabolically]''
**Who: Dr. Frankenollie
**Source: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain|Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain]]'' (1995)
**Note: During his plan to switch Mickey's brain with that of the Frankenstein's monster-esque Julius, Frankenollie says these words before his experiment, though successful, causes an explosion which vaporizes and kills him.

*Now, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! My bugs! My bugs! My bugs, my bugs, my bu—!!
**Who: Oogie Boogie
**Source: ''[[The Nightmare Before Christmas]]'' (1993)
**Note: After Jack Skellington pulls on a loose string, unraveling him, a mass majority of his bugs fall into a lava pit, and the surviving bug is crushed by Santa.

*Is this happy enough for you, Master? I know I'm downright giddy! ''[Fife: Master! The keyboard!]'' Huh...what?!! WHAT??? NOOOOO!!!!!!
**Who: Forte
**Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)
**Note: Forte attempted to destroy the castle and kill everyone in it to prevent the spell from breaking, so he can stay in his form as a pipe organ, and thus live forever. Fortunately, Beast stops him and destroys his keyboard. Enraged, Forte causes himself to crash down to the ground, silencing him forever as he falls.

*You go. There's one more thing I've got to do. It's my only chance.
**Who: Spot
**Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)]]''
**Note: The human Spot says this as he stands in front of a laser beam, hoping it will turn him back into a dog. The machine seemingly kills him. In grief, Leonard kicks the machine and it resumes turning Spot back into a dog.

*You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick, do ya? What wall? Oh, that wall.
**Who: Tybalt
**Source: ''[[Gnomeo &amp; Juliet]]'' (2011)
**Note: Said before he is killed when he crashes into the wall he was referring to, although being a living gnome, he is later repaired and subsequently resurrected.

*I'm sorry, Mother.... I tried....
**Who: Nuka
**Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)
**Note: Nuka said this after chasing Simba, who goes up a pile of logs to escape from Zira and the other Outsiders. Simba escapes, but the logs come falling down on him, causing his death. The line is originally going to include, &quot;Well, I finally got your attention, didn't I? Didn't I...&quot;, and him squeezing out from under the logs.

*Where are you going? Get back here! ''[Simba: Let it go, Zira. It's time to put the past behind us.]'' I'll never let it go! This is for you, Scar!
**Who: Zira
**Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)
**Note: Zira was about to attack Simba, when Kiara (Simba's daughter) suddenly knocks her aside. They both fall down a steep cliff towards rapids of a gorge with a rushing river full of logs. Although Kiara tries to save her, Zira falls to her death as she screams while considering the offer. The original concept was to have Zira about to whisper with reply, &quot;No. ...Never!&quot;, and deliberately lets go of the cliff.

*My lamp!!! NOOOOOO!!!
**Who: Jafar
**Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)
**Note: After villain Jafar blasts Iago with a powerful attack; in a last ditch effort, Iago pushes Jafar's lamp into a pit of lava. The lamp melts as Jafar screams in rage and agony, before finally exploding, killing Jafar.

*Hmm? What are you staring at?! No, no, no, no, no! ''[turns into a gold statue]''
** Who: Sa'luk
**Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)
**Note: When he threatens to kill Aladdin, Cassim (Aladdin's father) throws the Hand of Midas to him. He catches it by the golden section instead of the bronze handle. Consequently, the hand turns him into a gold statue, which falls off the edge and into the water.

*Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free--
**Who: R.K. Maroon
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]''  (1988)
**Note: R.K. Maroon was attempting to explain the reason why Marvin Acme was killed. Judge Doom, who had murdered Acme, shot him before the crime could be revealed.

*&quot;Nose&quot;? ''That'' don't rhyme with &quot;Walls.&quot; ''[Eddie Valiant: No, but this does!]''
**Who: Smarty
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]''  (1988)
**Note: When Eddie and Roger start singing a humorous song to kill the villainous Weasels, knowing it's possible for them to laugh themselves to death, Smarty says the above line when he notices an error in their song. Eddie then replies, &quot;No, but ''this'' does!&quot;, sending Smarty flying with a kick to the groin, and he lands in a toxic chemical known as &quot;The Dip&quot;.

*Bye-bye! Hee-hee-hee-hee!
**Who: Psycho
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)
**Note: One of the villainous Weasels who starts laughing uncontrollably when Eddie and Roger sing a humorous song, he accidentally falls into a toxic chemical known as &quot;The Dip&quot;.

*I'M MELTING! MELTING! WAUGH-WAUGH-WAAAH! Oh, no...
**Who: Judge Doom
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)
**Note: After revealing to Eddie that he is a toon, the villainous Doom tries to kill him, but Eddie unleashes a giant torrent of Dip at Doom, causing him to scream this line as he melts in a giant pool of the thinner until he was nothing more than a puddle of melted, yellow and red paint.

*My eyes! I can't see! No! No!
**Who: Colonel Muska
**Source: ''[[w:Castle in the Sky|Castle in the Sky]]'' (1986) (anime dubbed of Disney in 2003)
**Note: Colonel Muska is defeated by Sheeta and Pazu, becomes blinded, and falls to his death.

*MY TALISMAN!!!
**Who: Merlock
**Source: ''[[w:DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)
**Note: Merlock, transfigured into a griffin-like form, was defeated by Scrooge McDuck after having his talisman removed - this restored him to his normal form in the sky, causing him to fall to his death from the clouds.

*Stitch sorry.
**Who: Stitch
**Source: ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch|Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)
**Note: Says this before he shuts down and then Lilo heart-brokenly whispers &quot;Stitch?&quot;. Later, Jumba, Pleakley, David, and Nani find Stitch dead. Lilo alarms Jumba and says &quot;Jumba! Jumba it's not working!&quot; Then Jumba says &quot;We're too late.&quot; Causing everyone to weep. But he gets revived.

*Our song.
**Who: Athena
**Source: ''[[w:The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning|The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)
**Note: A pirate ship starts stealing treasures from the merfolk of Atlantica, but when Athena tries to save the music box Triton gave her, she gets stuck in the rocks and the ship crashes into her, killing her. Heartbroken, Triton bans all music from Atlantica and forbids the merfolk for going to the surface because of what the pirates did.

*Windlifter, I can do it. ''[Windlifter: Go. And be safe.]''
**Who: Dusty Crophopper
**Source: ''[[Planes: Fire and Rescue]]'' (2014)
**Note: Ignores the warning about his failing gearbox to save Harvey and Winnie at Augerin Canyon. He later fatally breaks down as a result, but was restored back to full health by Maru.

*Did you think I would let you grow old? Either I'll devour you, or the Red Flower will! It's just a matter of time. How long did you ''really'' think you'd survive against me? Longer than your father did? Longer than... ''Akela''?!
**Who: Shere Khan
**Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (2016 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (2016)
**Note: During their battle, Mowgli lures Shere Khan up a dead tree, defeating him by causing him to fall into the fire to his death.

*Scar! Help me.
*Remember.
**Who: Mufasa
**Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019)
**Note: Mufasa, who was hanging on a cliff trying to get away from a blue wildebeest stampede after saving his son Simba, pleads for Scar to help him, but Scar refuses, grabbing Mufasa's paws, mockingly says, &quot;Long live the king.&quot; and then tosses him from the cliff into the stampede, straight to his death. Mufasa years later appears in the clouds as a spirit, convincing his son to return to Pride Rock and reclaim his place as king. Next line is the last word he says; last word of the movie.

*My friends… it will take some time, but together, we will build our army! ''[Kamari: &quot;Friends,&quot; huh? I thought you said we were &quot;revolting scavengers.&quot;]'' ''[Azizi: Yeah! That you wanted to &quot;kill us&quot;!]'' No! No, let me explain! I was trying to fool him! We will rule together! ''[Shenzi: There's only one true thing you ever said, Scar: &quot;A hyena's belly is never full.&quot;]'' NO-O-O-O-O!
**Who: Scar 
**Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019)
**Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions.

==See also==
*[[Fictional last words in films]]
*[[Fictional last words]]
*[[Fictional last words in animated films]]
*[[Last words]]

[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films|*Disney animated films]]
[[Category:Fictional last words|Disney animated films]]</text>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="44404" xml:space="preserve">The [[last words]] of various characters in [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] animated films.

== Quotes ==
===Disney Animated Canon===
*Oh, I feel strange.
**Who: Snow White
**Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)
**Note: After eating the poison apple The Evil Queen gave to her, then she collapses to the ground unconsciously. Then she got revived later after the prince gives her a &quot;true-love's first kiss.&quot;

*I'll fix ya! I'll crush your bones!
**Who: The Evil Queen
**Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)
**Note: The villain says this line after being chased up to the top of a cliff by the dwarfs, before trying to push a boulder down the cliff with the intention of killing them. Before she can do this however, lightning strikes the ridge she is standing by, the cliff breaks apart, and she falls. She either dies from the fall or ends up crushed by the boulder that was intended for the dwarfs.

*AAAAAAAAH! I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! SOMEBODY HELP! I've been framed! HELP! Please, you've got to help me. Oh, be a pal, will ya? Call that beetle. Call anybody! Mama! ''[loudly] MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA...!!!!!''
**Who: Lampwick
**Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)
**Note: Said after unknowingly being cursed, when he realizes he is turning into a donkey as the curse starts to take effect. Right after he says this, the transformation is complete and his words turn to brays, leaving him still alive, but no longer able to speak, making these his final words. A deleted scene shows Lampwick still able to talk and warns Pinocchio to get out while he still can.

*Hang on, Father!
**Who: Pinocchio
**Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)
**Note: Said this before being killed by a giant wave, trying to save his father Geppetto, but is later revived as a real boy by the Blue Fairy.

*Bambi, quick, the thicket! Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!
**Who: Bambi's mother
**Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)
**Note: Said to her son as she realizes Man was coming for them. She is then shot and killed by one offscreen.

*He's almost here. I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER!
**Who: Unnamed pheasant
**Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)
**Note: She says this to the other pheasants, trying to warn them a hunter was coming for them. She is then shot and killed by him offscreen while flying in panic; her lifeless body is then shown falling to the ground.

*♪ ''Oh, the li-i-i--'' ♪
**Who: Skylights
**Source: ''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953)
**Note: Captain Hook shoots him with his pistol.

*NO! IT CANNOT BE! Now, shall you deal with ''me'', O Prince, and all the powers of HELL!
**Who: Maleficent
**Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959)
**Note: Maleficent turns into a black dragon after saying this. She is slain after Prince Phillip throws his sword into her heart.

*You're going to Timbuktu if it's the last thing I do.
**Who: Edgar Balthazar
**Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)
**Note: Said after he locks Thomas O'Malley, Duchess, and her kittens in a crate to send to Timbuktu. Then, the alley cats attack, freeing the captives and locking Edgar into the crate before he is shipped to Timbuktu.

*No! You'll not have me! My power cannot die! CURSE YOU! No! NO!!!
**Who: The Horned King
**Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)
**Note: The Horned King grabbed Taran and tried to throw him into the Black Cauldron, but the Cauldron pulls the Horned King in instead and dissolves him.

*''♪ Oh, Ratigan, oh, Ratigan, you're at the top and that's that... ♪'' Oh dear. ''♪ To Ratigan, to Ratigan, to Ratigan... the world's greatest— ♪''
**Who: Bartholomew the Mouse
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Ratigan's henchman, Bartholomew, falls into some alcohol and emerges very drunk and calls his boss &quot;the world's greatest rat&quot;. Since Ratigan hates being called a &quot;rat&quot; and prefers the term of &quot;a big mouse,&quot; he angrily asks, &quot;What was that? What did you call me?&quot; and sentences Bartholomew to death at the hands of his pet cat, who eats him up while he's still drunkenly singing of Ratigan's glory, unaware of what is about to happen despite Ratigan telling him.

*No! Not me! Wait, I can't fly! I can't flyyyyyyy!
**Who: Fidget
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Professor Ratigan and his henchman Fidget, a peg-legged bat with a broken wing, are attempting to make their escape in a small pedal-powered airship with Olivia Flaversham as hostage. Fidget grows tired of pedaling and suggests lightening the load, gesturing towards Olivia. Ratigan comments, &quot;Oh, you want to lighten the load? Excellent idea!&quot; and throws Fidget out of the basket. He shouts these words as he pitifully flutters and finally falls towards the Thames river. A ''Disney Adventures'' comic reveals he survived the fall, and has reformed and becomes Olivia's sidekick.

*I've WON!
**Who: Professor Ratigan
**Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)
**Note: Said after knocking Basil off Big Ben, thinking he's finally killed his nemesis. Basil reveals himself to be alive after saying, &quot;On the contrary... The game's not over yet!&quot;, rings a bell, and the clock strikes midnight; the clock's loud bell knocks Ratigan off balance and he falls to his death.

*This has been very entertaining. But party is over. ''[almost snaps his fingers, but a bike horn is heard]'' ''[Fagin: Whoa! Come on, come on! Let's go!]'' FAGIN!
**Who: Sykes
**Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)
**Note: Fagin, previously in debt to Sykes, has rescued Jenny from being held for ransom to get money by him. An enraged Sykes pursues him to give Jenny back, Jenny, Oliver and Dodger's gang across a railway, only to eventually be killed when he collides with a train.

*This way.
**Who: Flotsam and Jetsam
**Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)
**Note: Are blasted by a ray from King Triton's trident and destroyed.

*SO MUCH FOR &quot;TRUE LOVE&quot;!
**Who: Ursula
**Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)
**Note: Ursula has been referring to the romance of Ariel and Prince Eric, which she thought she has broken up. However, she may be referring to Triton's sacrifice for Ariel and how she is going to kill Ariel anyway. She is then stabbed by the bow of a ship sailed by Eric immediately after saying this line, and consequently, Triton and all the merpeople she transformed into polyps revert back to their original forms.

*I whooped ya! I whooped ya all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach! ... ''[He sees Joanna waving to him and goes uncontrollably over the falls]'' No!
**Who: Percival C. McLeach
**Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)
**Note: After scaring off a group of crocodiles closing in on him, McLeach goes over the waterfall, and plummets to his death.

*Let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I-I-I'll do anything! Anything!
**Who: Gaston LeGume
**Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)
**Note: Said this to convince the Beast to spare him after realizing that he cannot win, who soon sternly replies to him, &quot;Get out.&quot; After the Beast reunites with Belle, however, Gaston then stabs the Beast, but as a result of doing so, falls off the balcony to his death, judging by the fact that the animators added skulls to his pupils, signifying his death. Gaston was meant to survive the fall, but then gets eaten by a pack of wolves in a deleted scene.

*At least... I got to see you... one last time....
**Who: The Beast
**Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)
**Note: Said this to Belle while dying from his stab by Gaston and the last petal about to fall of the enchanted rose. When the last petal falls away, the Beast dies, leaving Belle mourning his death in pain and admitting her love for him. But suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast, rising him into the air, breaking the curse and turning him back into his true form Prince Adam, while being alive.

*''[Cave of Wonders: Who disturbs my slumber?]'' It is-- It is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. ''[Cave of Wonders: Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough.]'' ''[Jafar: What are you waiting for? Go on!]''
**Who: Gazeem
**Source: ''[[Aladdin]]'' (1992)
**Note: Said this before getting swallowed by the Cave of Wonders and fell into a lava offscreen, leaving Jafar and Iago behind.

*Scar! Brother, help me!
*Remember.
**Who: [[w:Mufasa|Mufasa]]
**Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994) and (2019)
**Note: Mufasa, who was hanging on a cliff trying to get away from a [[w:blue wildebeest|blue wildebeest]] stampede after saving his son [[w:Simba|Simba]], pleads for Scar to help him, but Scar refuses, grabbing Mufasa's paws, mockingly says, &quot;Long live the king.&quot; and then tosses him from the cliff into the stampede, straight to his death. Mufasa years later appears in the clouds as a [[w:spirit|spirit]], convincing his son to return to Pride Rock and reclaim his place as king. Next line is the last word he says; last word of the movie.

*No, let-- No, l-l-l-l-let-- Let me explain. No, you don't understand. No, I didn't mean-- No! No! I can, I-I was mai- No!
**Who: Scar
**Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994) and (2019)
**Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions.

*What's wrong? Is she all right?
**Who: Kocoum
**Source: ''[[Pocahontas]]'' (1995)
**Note: Kocoum went to find her but John Smith attacked him and Thomas shot him in the chest and starts falling into the water.

*Sanctuary! Please give us sanctuary!
**Who: Quasimodo's mother
**Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)
**Note: Said before being murdered by Frollo on the steps of Notre Dame; previously, when baby Quasimodo was crying, she said &quot;Hush, little one.&quot;

*&quot;And [[w:God in Christianity|He]] shall smite the wicked, and ''plunge'' them into [[w:Hell|The Fiery Pit!]]&quot;
**Who: [[w:Claude Frollo|Claude Frollo]]
**Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)
**Note: Ironically quoted the Bible seconds before he plunges to his death into a lake of molten lead, weighted down by a gargoyle, which appeared to roar in his face shortly before breaking off with him clinging to the underside.

*ME BITE OFF ''HEAD''! ''[Laughs evilly]''
**Who: Cyclops
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: When about to kill a powerless Hercules, he is blinded with burning wood by the hero, who then trips him by wrapping a rope around his ankles. He tumbles over a cliff to his death.

*You haven't got much time. You can still stop Hades.
**Who: Megara
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: In an earlier scene, Hercules had willingly agreed with the villainous Hades to give up his powers on the condition that no harm came to Megara. However, she is accidentally crushed by a pillar and mortally wounded anyway and Hercules regains his powers by lifting it away. After Hercules stops the Titans, her soul is sent to the Underworld by the Fates. Hercules then frees and resurrects Megara after defeating Hades.

*''[Zeus: Now watch your old man work!]'' Uh-oh.
**Who:  Lythos (Rock Titan)
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: Heads blown off by Zeus's thunderbolts.

*Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! ''[Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets out of there!] [Pain: You mean, ''if'' he gets out of there.]'' Taxi! ''[Panic: &quot;If.&quot;]'' Taxi! ''[Panic: &quot;If&quot; is good.]'' Oh, I don't feel so good! I feel a little... ''fluuuuuuushed!''
*What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste in something, but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like, what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what? HYPERSPACE?! HELLO! IT'S ME! Nobody listens.
**Who: Hades
**Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)
**Note: Said to the souls that drag him down into River Styx after Hercules punches him down there. (It should be remembered though that being a God, Hades technically can't die, as he's immortal, but given that he'll spend the rest of eternity at the bottom of the Styx, these are last words). His voice, however, was still heard in the end of the film's credits.

*It looks like you're out of ideas.
**Who: Shan-Yu
**Source: ''[[Mulan]]'' (1998)
**Note: The villain says this line after chasing Mulan up to the top of the palace roof. Mulan replies, &quot;Not quite,&quot; and then takes his sword and uses it to pin his coat to the roof, leaving him unable to get out of the way of a big fireworks rocket ignited by Mushu. Shan-Yu is then launched by the fireworks supply, blowing him up.

*Go ahead, shoot me. ''[chuckles]'' Be a man.
**Who: Clayton
**Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)
**Note: Clayton, facing Tarzan, said this when he is holding his rifle to his head. Tarzan refuses, imitates a gunshot, then replies, &quot;I'm not a man like you.&quot; in which he smashes the rifle. Then Clayton attacks in a rage with a machete. In his rage, he slices through several vines, one of which wraps around his neck and suspends him, ending in him hanging himself when the vine snaps his neck.

*Take care of them...my son. {{small|Take care of them.}}
**Who: Kerchak
**Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)
**Note: Kerchak, being the [[w:silverback|silverback]] leader of the band of [[w:mountain gorilla|gorilla]]s, symbolically acknowledges Tarzan as his adopted son and his successor before dying from injuries inflicted by Clayton after the [[w:poacher|poacher]] shot him as he angrily roars and charges at him when he was his son Tarzan shot in the arm.

*Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back.
**Who: Iguanodon scout
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: While looking for water, Bruton and the scout are ambushed by two Carnotaurs, and the scout is killed.

*I'll hold them off! You help the others!
**Who: Bruton
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: Bruton battles the two Carnotaurs and buries them by causing a rockslide, but dies after being crushed himself.

*Oh, no!
**Who: Kron
**Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000)
**Note: Kron is cornered and killed by a Carnotaurus.

*Return the Crystal. Save Atlantis. Save my daughter.
**Who: King Kashekim Nedakh
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Said to Milo as the character dies from internal bleeding after being punched by Rourke and confers on him the task of retrieving Kida and saving Atlantis. Nedakh was very old and frail, which is why he was mortally wounded when Rourke punched him.

*''[weakly]'' Nothing personal.
**Who: Helga Sinclair
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Helga, having been thrown from a hot-air balloon by Rourke, who uttered the same words while doing so, fires a gun at the balloon as she lies on the ground, causing it to descend. Although her death is never confirmed onscreen, the place is flooded by lava a little later, so it is highly likely that she died.

*Tired, Mr. Thatch? Hyah! Ah, that's a ''darn shame''... 'Cause I'm JUST GETTING ''WARMED UP!''
**Who: Lyle Tiberius Rourke
**Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001)
**Note: Rourke, facing Milo Thatch aboard a hot-air balloon, is about to strike but is cut by a shard of glass from Kida's container, crystallizing his body. He is still alive after the crystallization, however, but is killed soon after when his body is chopped up by the balloon's propeller.

*He'll be comin' soon. Can't let them find this! ''[Jim Hawkins: Who's coming?]'' The cyborg! Beware... the cyborg!
**Who: Billy Bones
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Spoken to Jim about Long John Silver, after being mortally wounded when his spaceship crashed.

*Aye, Captain. You heard her, men! Unfurl those sails!
**Who: Mr. Arrow
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Mr. Arrow says this line while on board a space ship, but is killed when he is sucked overboard into a black hole when Scroop cuts his lifeline.

*Oh, yes. Do say hello to Mr. Arrow.
**Who: Scroop
**Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002)
**Note: Scroop killed Mr. Arrow earlier by cutting his lifeline and sending him down a black hole. At that moment, he is about to kill Jim Hawkins in a similar fashion, but he manages to escape after saying, &quot;Tell him yourself!&quot;, and push Scroop aside. He ends up stuck in the ship's flag, and floats out into space with a scream, never to be seen again.

*What?
**Who: Sitka
**Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said before he was killed by Koda's mother.

*Koda?
**Who: Koda's mother
**Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said before she got killed by Kenai.

*No. You gotta go on without me, Commander. Just save me some ammo, a little water, some chips if you have them.
**Who: Sci-fi version of Runt of the Litter
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)
**Note: A character in a over-the-top sci-fi version of Chicken Little's encounter with the aliens. Apparently shot down by an alien ship, and says this over a ship intercom before dying.

*Top of The Food Chain, Ma! Top of the Food Cha… Uh-oh.
**Who: Kazar
**Source: ''[[The Wild (film)|The Wild]]'' (2006)
**Note: Kazar attempts to kill Samson and Ryan and, after an intense battle, Blag and the rest of the wildebeests refuse to serve Kazar any further. Samson gains the courage he needs and roars powerfully enough to push back a charging Kazar. The animals, along with the wildebeests flee except Kazar, who is trapped in the erupting volcano, in which he gets crushed to death by a falling rock.

*No, no, please, no! Just a little more time! I promise I'll pay y'all back! I PROMISE!
**Who: Dr. Facilier
**Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)
**Note: Spoken when Dr. Facilier tries to plead with the Shadows when Tiana breaks his voodoo talisman. Having lost the leverage he needed to collect souls for them, he is unable to pay back his debt to them, and as punishment, they drag him to the &quot;Other Side&quot;.

*''[Louis: Tiana! Naveen!] [Naveen: Louis, what is it?] [Louis: Shadow Man done laid poor Ray low.] [Tiana: Ray?] [Louis: He's hurting awful bad.]'' Hey, there. How come... you're... still... ''[Tiana: We're stayin' frogs, Ray.] [Naveen: And we're staying together.]'' Oh... I like that very much. Evangeline... likes that too.
**Who: Ray
**Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)
**Note: Spoken before his light dimmed off. He soon dies when his family of fireflies bid him a farewell. In an early scene, he had been squashed by Dr. Facilier.

*No! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
**Who: Mother Gothel
**Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)
**Note: After Flynn Rider cuts Rapunzel's hair, its magical effects wear off and Mother Gothel's true age catches up with her. As she panics, she gets tripped over Rapunzel's hair by Pascal the chameleon and falls out of the tower to her death, aging into dust before she hits the ground.

*Rapunzel. ''[Rapunzel: What?]'' You were my new dream. ''[Rapunzel: (chuckles tearfully) And you were mine.]''
**Who: Flynn Rider
**Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)
**Note: Says this to Rapunzel after Mother Gothel stabs him as he was about to save her. She and Rapunzel make a deal if Mother' let her heal him, she'd stay with her forever. But, unfortunately he cuts off Rapunzel's hair to reveal Gothel's true identity. As a result, she fell off her tower and died. After he dies, her tears of love heals him and helps her escape.

*You FOOLS! Why are you going into the ligh—? Oh... Oooh... No! Yes... Go into the LIGHT!
**Who: King Candy / Turbo
**Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)
**Note: As Turbo had been transfigured into a partially Cy-Bug based form, the Cy-Bug side of him was attracted towards a Mentos-Diet Cola eruption started to destroy the other Cy-Bugs. As his Turbo side tries to resist the pull towards the eruption, he is ultimately dragged into it and vaporized; because video game characters who die outside their own games never regenerate, he is gone for good.

*You'll be fine, Elsa.
**Who: Agnarr
**Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)
**Note: Said this to Elsa before departing off to sea for about two weeks. He, along with his wife Queen Iduna were killed by due to their ship being capsized by a tidal wave during a storm at sea.

*NOOO!!!
**Who: Anna
**Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)
**Note: Says this as she uses her final ounce of strength to block Elsa from Hans' attack, becoming frozen to ice in the process. She is eventually revived because her actions constitute an &quot;act of true love&quot;.

*Callaghan's in there! Someone has to help!
**Who: Tadashi Hamada
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014)
**Note: Says this to Hiro before he tries to save Professor Callaghan from a fire at the Expo hall. He was killed in the ensuing explosion from the fire.

*Hiro, I will always be with you.
**Who: Baymax
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014)
**Note: Says this to Hiro after he got smashed by one of the building parts. After that accident, he is forced to sacrifice his life by telling Hiro to say that he is satisfied with his care. Hiro was worried about losing Baymax like he did with Tadashi after the explosion. However in the series, he rebuilds Baymax without his friends knowing. 

*Go...
**Who: Gramma Tala
**Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)

*The waves are too high! Take cover! IDUNA!!!/AGNARR!!!
**Who: Queen Iduna and King Agnarr
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Shown through an ice sculpture memory created by Elsa that they were submerged along with their ship.

*Anna...!
**Who: Elsa
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Freezes to ice upon venturing into the deepest part of Ahtohallan and learning the dark truth of King Runeard. She is later revived once the dam is destroyed.

*I like warm hugs.
**Who: Olaf
**Source: ''Frozen 2'' (2019)
**Note: Olaf disintegrates in Anna's arms after Elsa turns frozen. He is later revived by Elsa once the curse upon the forest is lifted.

*I trust you, Namaari.
**Who: Sisu
**Source: ''Raya and the Last Dragon'' (2021)
**Note: Sisu glows as she wanted to trust Namaari, but Raya avoids the attack and Namaari fires at Sisu accidentally. Then Sisu drowns in water afterwards. She is later revived by the Dragon Gem power after the Druun are defeated.

===Pixar===
*Well, what's this? Another one of your little bird tricks. [Flik: Yep.] Are there a bunch of little girls in this one, too? Hello, girls!
**Who: Hopper
**Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)
**Note: He corners Flik near a bird's nest and strangles him. A bird pops out from the nest and Hopper thinks the bird is one of Flik's tricks, but he soon realizes she is real. Hopper screams and tries to escape, but the bird blocks his path as she snatches him in her beak in one swift move and takes him to her nest where he is eaten by her newborn chicks, thus ending his reign of terror on the ant colony.

*[Evil Emperor Zurg: So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear. For the last time.] Not today, Zurg!
**Who: Utility Belt Buzz Lightyear
**Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)
**Note: Said this before getting his top half vaporized by his archenemy the Evil Emperor Zurg. But it's revealed to be a video game that Rex has been playing as the words &quot;GAME OVER&quot; appear on the screen.

*Marlin! Stop it! ''[laughs]'' [Marlin: Well, you got a little closer, 'cause it's wiggling.] Get away, get away!
**Who: Coral
**Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)
**Note: Said to her husband Marlin, who is playfully trying to kiss her. Shortly afterwards, Coral, along with all but one of the eggs, is eaten by a barracuda after trying to protect them.

*Abort, abort, abort!
**Who: Snug
**Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)
**Note: Line is spoken before the missiles ordered by Syndrome hit the jet on the way to the island, causing the plane to explode. Elastigirl notices the pilot's hat underwater. From an official deleted scene.

*Aw, no.
**Who: Buddy Pine / Syndrome
**Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)
**Note: Line is spoken before the villain's cape gets caught in one of his plane's turbines. Bob Parr/Mr. Incredible throws his car at Syndrome, making him fall and get sucked into the turbine by his cape and the plane explodes.

*ENOUGH! I'm taking that bird back with me, ALIVE... OR DEAD!!
**Who: Charles Muntz
**Source: ''[[Up]]'' (2009)
**Note: Carl walks backwards with Kevin from Muntz who destroys his prized possessions with a sword. Charles pursues Carl up to the top of the floating house they are standing on only to fall off the house to his death.

*NO!
**Who: Rod &quot;Torque&quot; Redline
**Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)
**Note: In the secret lair, Rod is tied down and fueled with &quot;Allinol&quot;, and Professor Zündapp demonstrates what happens when cars are fueled with Allinol are exposed to an electro-magnetic pulse. As a result, Rod dies from spontaneous combustion after saying this line.

*Ya-ha-ha! You made it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Go! Go save Riley! Ha-ha-ha! Take her to the moon for me. Okay?
**Who: Bing Bong
**Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)
**Note: After Bing Bong sacrifices himself to help Joy blast out of the memory dump with his rocket, he says this to Joy before he fades away from Riley's memory.

*RUN, ARLO!
**Who: Poppa Henry
**Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)
**Note: He is killed by the rushing rapids after saying this to his son to get him to escape from a flash flood.

*Brings back memories. ''Gracias.''
**Who: Chicharrón
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: After being serenaded by Hector, he fades away into oblivion, being forgotten forever.

*Hate me if you want, but my mind is made up.
*Go home.
**Who: Hector
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note 1: A flashback of how Hector died. 
**Note 2: Is about to be forgotten forever.

*Nice kitty. Put me down! No, please! I'm begging you! Stop, stop!
**Who: Ernesto de la Cruz
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: Ernesto flew away from Pepita and is crushed with death by a giant bell.

*When I was a little girl, my Papa would sing such beautiful songs.
**Who: Coco Rivera
**Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)
**Note: One year later, she arrived at the Land of the Remembered.

*[Mei: All I wanted... was to go to a ''CONCERT!''] I never went to concerts! I put my family first! I tried to be a good daughter!
**Who: Ming Lee
**Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)
**Note: Ming gets knocked out unconscious by her daughter at SkyDome. Then revived by the family ritual with help of Mei's friends and 4*Town and had her panda spirit released.

*Goodbye, Buzz. I'm sorry I won't be there to see you finish the mission. To infinity... [Buzz: ...and beyond.]
**Who: Alisha Hawthorne
**Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)
**Note: Alisha sent her final message to Buzz before she dies of old age.

=== 20th Century Animation ===
*''[Anastasia: This is for Dimitri.]'' Give it back! ''[Anastasia: This is for my family!]'' I'll tear you to pieces! ''[Anastasia: And this... this is for you!]'' NO! ''[Anastasia: Do svidanya!]''
**Who: Rasputin
**Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)
**Note: She crushes his evil magic life with her foot and causes the green ghoul magic to kill him, turns into skeleton and then into dust.

*What are you doing?! ''[Diego: Leave the mammoth alone.]'' Fine. I'll take you down first.
**Who: Soto
**Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)
**Note: He was facing Manny but Diego gets in his way to fight him. But he knocked Diego out, and when he was going for the baby, Manny throws him at a wall and icicles falls on him and kills him.

*What are you doing?! Get off of me! Ow! Ahh! Let me go, do as I say! Get off!
**Who: Madame Gasket
**Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)
**Note: As they are swinging away from and toward the furnace, Ratchet clings to his mother, who tells him to get off. Ratchet gets off by hanging on to a wire he released while Gasket goes straight towards the furnace, where she meets her destruction.

*''[Ratchet's dad: It's alright, son. You can shine no matter what you're...]'' Oh, just stop!
**Who: Phineas T. Ratchet
**Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)
**Note: He ended up hanging with his father, after he lost his upgrades.

*Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.
**Who: [[w:Mike Dirnt|Mike Dirnt]]
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: The real-life member of [[w:Green Day|Green Day]] says this after the barge that he and the other band members were playing on is dissolved by the sludge in Lake Springfield, sending all of them to their deaths. They then take out violins, and play ''[[w:Nearer My God to Thee|Nearer My God to Thee]]'' on them in place of their normal instruments. Both the line and the incident itself are parodies of the band that played on the [[w:RMS Titanic|RMS ''Titanic'']] as it sank.

*Oh, I don't know what to do! If I stay, I'm trapped, if I leave, I'm alone! Oh God! In! Out! In! Out! I never saw Venice! I-
**Who: Unnamed Man
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Note: As Springfield is getting encased in a giant glass dome, one man contemplates in a worried rush of whether or not he should leave the dome. As he says this, the giant dome crushes him.

*Bye, everybody!
**Who: Dr. Nick Rivera
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: After the dome is destroyed, Chief Wiggum mentions that nobody was hurt in the ordeal. He then looks around to see Dr. Nick crushed under a giant chunk of plastic. His last words are a take-off on his usual catchphrase (&quot;Hi, everybody!&quot;).
	 
*Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
**Who: Russ Cargill
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)
**Notes: Said as he prepares to shoot Homer with a shotgun. Before he can fire, Maggie drops a rock on him. May not have died, but was not seen or referenced for the rest of the movie.

*Like... melted gold...
**Who: Rat
**Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)
**Note: Before he could kill Ash, Mr. Fox arrived and fought him, and Rat was killed by getting electrocuted by an electric fence. As he lay dying, he told where the three farmers' hideout is, then he died.

*Oh, pity. Now we have two useless flightless birds.
**Who: Nigel
**Source: ''[[Rio (2011 film)|Rio]]'' (2011)
**Note: Blu attaches the cord with the fire extinguisher, telling him not cool. Then lets him flying through the cockpit, then get hit by one of motor engine of the plane. Later in post-credits scene, he was all pink but snapshotted by Mauro.

*''[&quot;Female ape&quot;/Ape siren: Oh, Captain Gutt..]'' That's me.... ''[&quot;Female ape&quot;/Ape siren: Let's rule the seas together...]'' Aye, aye.... Huh?
**Who: Captain Gutt
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: After being defeated by Manny in a duel at a sliding iceberg and sent flying rather far away out of sight, Gutt a piece of ice to float on the water with, but notices fins sticking out of the water close to them where he encounters a seductive female of his species. Unfortunately, the female is a siren and it pulls Gutt into the shell. All that can be heard are crunching sounds and Gutt's screams of pain as he is eaten alive.

*No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
**Who: Ariscratle
**Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)
**Note: Before Scrat could pull out the giant acorn, Ariscratle called out for Scrat to stop before he could pull the acorn out, reminding the squirrel to rise above his animalistic desires and to be more than a mere rodent. Scrat, however, pulled the acorn out anyway, flooding all of Scratlantis and taking all the squirrels, Ariscratle among them, down the plughole.

*What's that little saying you people have? &quot;Lots of leaves, something, something...&quot; Very inspiring. But in the end, every leaf falls and ''dies'' alone.
**Who: Mandrake
**Source: ''[[Epic (film)|Epic]]'' (2013)
**Note: He gets beaten by Ronin and Nod when they work together, using their swords to push him out of the queen's castle. The gust of wind pushes him to a piece of sap or tar, imprisoning him. His magical staff was with him when he was covered with the tar, so it is unclear if he will escape or not. It is assumed that he would never escape, as his fate was presumably sealed to death.

*Lollipop?
**Who: Big Boss
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Notes: After being knocked down by Nigel, he finds himself face to face with a giant boa. Later, the boa, now with a full belly the size of a human (revealing that he was eaten alive), spits out the lollipop.

*''[Gabi: Oh, Nigel! Nigel!]'' No, no! Somebody help me! ''[Gabi: I'm never gonna let you go!]'' I'm sorry, I'll be nice. No, no! Charlie! CHARLIE!! AHH! THIS IS UNNATURAL!
**Who: Nigel
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Note: He gets dragged away by Gabi after they played dead. Then later gets brought back to Rio.

*Oh, Nigel. Wow. A honeymoon in Rio! Yay!
**Who: Gabi
**Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)
**Note: She gets excited about going to Rio With Nigel.

*Okay, it's time. ''[Young Ferdinand: You're gonna come back, right?]'' What? That matador doesn't stand a chance, okay? ''[Young Ferdinand: Okay.]'' And after I win, I'm coming back here, and I'm gonna show you all my moves. Even my secret ones.
**Who: Raf
**Source: ''[[Ferdinand (film)|Ferdinand]]'' (2017)
**Note: He promises his son to return and show him all his secret moves. He bids farewell to Ferdinand and boards the truck to the Plaza. Unfortunately, Raf loses the fight and is killed. Later, his horns and photograph are framed up on the wall in Moreno's house along with the rest of the previous bulls who thought they had a chance in the ring, a fact Ferdinand would eventually discover when he was all grown-up after that.

=== Hyperion Animation ===
*IT'S MY FUNCTION!!!!!!!!
**Who: Air Conditioner
**Source: ''[[The Brave Little Toaster (film)|The Brave Little Toaster]]'' (1987)
**Note: After being insulted by Kirby, character gets angry and overheats before blowing himself up. After the appliances lament character's loss, Kirby says, &quot;Well, he was a jerk anyway.&quot; (Later on in the film, after finding the cabin in a mess, the Master, Rob, fixes the air conditioner and restores him to life).

=== Other (DTV sequels etc.) ===
*''[Mickey: Wait, you're not gonna...]'' Put your brain in his body? ''[imitates buzzer]'' That's right! ''[laughs diabolically]''
**Who: Dr. Frankenollie
**Source: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain|Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain]]'' (1995)
**Note: During his plan to switch Mickey's brain with that of the Frankenstein's monster-esque Julius, Frankenollie says these words before his experiment, though successful, causes an explosion which vaporizes and kills him.

*Now, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! My bugs! My bugs! My bugs, my bugs, my bu—!!
**Who: Oogie Boogie
**Source: ''[[The Nightmare Before Christmas]]'' (1993)
**Note: After Jack Skellington pulls on a loose string, unraveling him, a mass majority of his bugs fall into a lava pit, and the surviving bug is crushed by Santa.

*Is this happy enough for you, Master? I know I'm downright giddy! ''[Fife: Master! The keyboard!]'' Huh...what?!! WHAT??? NOOOOO!!!!!!
**Who: Forte
**Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)
**Note: Forte attempted to destroy the castle and kill everyone in it to prevent the spell from breaking, so he can stay in his form as a pipe organ, and thus live forever. Fortunately, Beast stops him and destroys his keyboard. Enraged, Forte causes himself to crash down to the ground, silencing him forever as he falls.

*You go. There's one more thing I've got to do. It's my only chance.
**Who: Spot
**Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)]]''
**Note: The human Spot says this as he stands in front of a laser beam, hoping it will turn him back into a dog. The machine seemingly kills him. In grief, Leonard kicks the machine and it resumes turning Spot back into a dog.

*You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick, do ya? What wall? Oh, that wall.
**Who: Tybalt
**Source: ''[[Gnomeo &amp; Juliet]]'' (2011)
**Note: Said before he is killed when he crashes into the wall he was referring to, although being a living gnome, he is later repaired and subsequently resurrected.

*I'm sorry, Mother.... I tried....
**Who: Nuka
**Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)
**Note: Nuka said this after chasing Simba, who goes up a pile of logs to escape from Zira and the other Outsiders. Simba escapes, but the logs come falling down on him, causing his death. The line is originally going to include, &quot;Well, I finally got your attention, didn't I? Didn't I...&quot;, and him squeezing out from under the logs.

*Where are you going? Get back here! ''[Simba: Let it go, Zira. It's time to put the past behind us.]'' I'll never let it go! This is for you, Scar!
**Who: Zira
**Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)
**Note: Zira was about to attack Simba, when Kiara (Simba's daughter) suddenly knocks her aside. They both fall down a steep cliff towards rapids of a gorge with a rushing river full of logs. Although Kiara tries to save her, Zira falls to her death as she screams while considering the offer. The original concept was to have Zira about to whisper with reply, &quot;No. ...Never!&quot;, and deliberately lets go of the cliff.

*My lamp!!! NOOOOOO!!!
**Who: Jafar
**Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)
**Note: After villain Jafar blasts Iago with a powerful attack; in a last ditch effort, Iago pushes Jafar's lamp into a pit of lava. The lamp melts as Jafar screams in rage and agony, before finally exploding, killing Jafar.

*Hmm? What are you staring at?! No, no, no, no, no! ''[turns into a gold statue]''
** Who: Sa'luk
**Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)
**Note: When he threatens to kill Aladdin, Cassim (Aladdin's father) throws the Hand of Midas to him. He catches it by the golden section instead of the bronze handle. Consequently, the hand turns him into a gold statue, which falls off the edge and into the water.

*Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free--
**Who: R.K. Maroon
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]''  (1988)
**Note: R.K. Maroon was attempting to explain the reason why Marvin Acme was killed. Judge Doom, who had murdered Acme, shot him before the crime could be revealed.

*&quot;Nose&quot;? ''That'' don't rhyme with &quot;Walls.&quot; ''[Eddie Valiant: No, but this does!]''
**Who: Smarty
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]''  (1988)
**Note: When Eddie and Roger start singing a humorous song to kill the villainous Weasels, knowing it's possible for them to laugh themselves to death, Smarty says the above line when he notices an error in their song. Eddie then replies, &quot;No, but ''this'' does!&quot;, sending Smarty flying with a kick to the groin, and he lands in a toxic chemical known as &quot;The Dip&quot;.

*Bye-bye! Hee-hee-hee-hee!
**Who: Psycho
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)
**Note: One of the villainous Weasels who starts laughing uncontrollably when Eddie and Roger sing a humorous song, he accidentally falls into a toxic chemical known as &quot;The Dip&quot;.

*I'M MELTING! MELTING! WAUGH-WAUGH-WAAAH! Oh, no...
**Who: Judge Doom
**Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)
**Note: After revealing to Eddie that he is a toon, the villainous Doom tries to kill him, but Eddie unleashes a giant torrent of Dip at Doom, causing him to scream this line as he melts in a giant pool of the thinner until he was nothing more than a puddle of melted, yellow and red paint.

*My eyes! I can't see! No! No!
**Who: Colonel Muska
**Source: ''[[w:Castle in the Sky|Castle in the Sky]]'' (1986) (anime dubbed of Disney in 2003)
**Note: Colonel Muska is defeated by Sheeta and Pazu, becomes blinded, and falls to his death.

*MY TALISMAN!!!
**Who: Merlock
**Source: ''[[w:DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)
**Note: Merlock, transfigured into a griffin-like form, was defeated by Scrooge McDuck after having his talisman removed - this restored him to his normal form in the sky, causing him to fall to his death from the clouds.

*Stitch sorry.
**Who: Stitch
**Source: ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch|Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)
**Note: Says this before he shuts down and then Lilo heart-brokenly whispers &quot;Stitch?&quot;. Later, Jumba, Pleakley, David, and Nani find Stitch dead. Lilo alarms Jumba and says &quot;Jumba! Jumba it's not working!&quot; Then Jumba says &quot;We're too late.&quot; Causing everyone to weep. But he gets revived.

*Our song.
**Who: Athena
**Source: ''[[w:The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning|The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)
**Note: A pirate ship starts stealing treasures from the merfolk of Atlantica, but when Athena tries to save the music box Triton gave her, she gets stuck in the rocks and the ship crashes into her, killing her. Heartbroken, Triton bans all music from Atlantica and forbids the merfolk for going to the surface because of what the pirates did.

*Windlifter, I can do it. ''[Windlifter: Go. And be safe.]''
**Who: Dusty Crophopper
**Source: ''[[Planes: Fire and Rescue]]'' (2014)
**Note: Ignores the warning about his failing gearbox to save Harvey and Winnie at Augerin Canyon. He later fatally breaks down as a result, but was restored back to full health by Maru.

*Did you think I would let you grow old? Either I'll devour you, or the Red Flower will! It's just a matter of time. How long did you ''really'' think you'd survive against me? Longer than your father did? Longer than... ''Akela''?!
**Who: Shere Khan
**Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (2016 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (2016)
**Note: During their battle, Mowgli lures Shere Khan up a dead tree, defeating him by causing him to fall into the fire to his death.

*Scar! Help me.
*Remember.
**Who: Mufasa
**Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019)
**Note: Mufasa, who was hanging on a cliff trying to get away from a blue wildebeest stampede after saving his son Simba, pleads for Scar to help him, but Scar refuses, grabbing Mufasa's paws, mockingly says, &quot;Long live the king.&quot; and then tosses him from the cliff into the stampede, straight to his death. Mufasa years later appears in the clouds as a spirit, convincing his son to return to Pride Rock and reclaim his place as king. Next line is the last word he says; last word of the movie.

*My friends… it will take some time, but together, we will build our army! ''[Kamari: &quot;Friends,&quot; huh? I thought you said we were &quot;revolting scavengers.&quot;]'' ''[Azizi: Yeah! That you wanted to &quot;kill us&quot;!]'' No! No, let me explain! I was trying to fool him! We will rule together! ''[Shenzi: There's only one true thing you ever said, Scar: &quot;A hyena's belly is never full.&quot;]'' NO-O-O-O-O!
**Who: Scar 
**Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019)
**Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions.

==See also==
*[[Fictional last words in films]]
*[[Fictional last words]]
*[[Fictional last words in animated films]]
*[[Last words]]

[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films|*Disney animated films]]
[[Category:Fictional last words|Disney animated films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Escape from L.A.</title>
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      <text bytes="31578" xml:space="preserve">[[File:SacredTobacco.jpg|thumb|Welcome to the human race.]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Escape from L.A.|Escape from L.A.]]''''', also known as '''''John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.''''', is a 1996 cult film directed by [[John Carpenter]]. The sequel to the action film [[Escape from New York]], the film follows war hero Snake Plissken, played by [[Kurt Russell]]. It co-stars [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]], [[w:Stacy Keach|Stacy Keach]], [[Bruce Campbell]] and [[w:Pam Grier|Pam Grier]].
{{center|'''Snake is Back''' &lt;small&gt;([[#taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Snake Plissken==
[[File:Hollywood_Bowl_(cropped).jpg|thumb|200px|I'm gonna give you assholes a chance. What do you say we play a little Bangkok rules? Nobody draws until this hits the ground. Draw.]]
[[File:LA_Memorial_Coliseum_aerial_view,_August_2017.jpg|thumb|200px|You got a smoke?]]
* Call me Snake.
* ''[facing four gunmen at once]'' I'm gonna give you assholes a chance. What do you say we play a little Bangkok rules? ''[picks up a tin can]'' Nobody draws until this hits the ground. You ready? ''[throws can up, draws, kills all four before it lands['' Draw.

==Cuervo Jones==
[[File:LA_Skyline_Mountains2.jpg|thumb|You may have survived [[Cleveland]]. You may have escaped from [[New York]]. But this is LA, ''vato''. And you're about to find out that this fucking city can kill anybody!]]
* ''[addressing the crowd at the LA Olympic Auditorium]'' I promised you tonight was gonna be special. I also promised you one last great spectacle of death in this historic arena. Now you will see that death. I give you, the death of SNAKE PLISSKEN!!! ''[cheers as Snake is forced into a basketball court; to Snake]'' Some people think you're already dead, Snake. Some say you never will be. 'Cause you may have survived Cleveland. You may have [[Escape from New York|escaped from New York]]. But this is LA, ''vato''. And you're about to find out that this fucking city can kill anybody! ''[more cheers]'' Game time!! ''[explains the basketball rules to Snake]'' Basketball. Two hoops, full court. Ten-second shot clock. Miss a shot, you get shot. Shot clock buzzer goes off before you shoot, you get shot. Two points for a basket, no three-point bullshit. All you gotta do is make ten points. That's it... By the way, nobody's ever walked off that court alive. Nobody.

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Sunset_Tower,_8358_Sunset_Blvd._West_Hollywood_2383.jpg|thumb|200px|The United States is a non-smoking nation. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no women, unless, of course, you're married. No guns, no foul language, no red meat.]]
[[File:Sunsetblvd.jpg|thumb|200px|He's not even here, he's a hologram!]]
[[File:Belair.jpg|thumb|200px|Genetically engineered. One-hundred percent pure death.]]
[[File:Grauman%27s_Chinese_Theatre,_by_Carol_Highsmith_fixed_%26_straightened.jpg|thumb|Shut down the Third World; they lose, you win. Shut down America; you lose, they win. The more things change, the more they stay the same.]]
[[File:Excalibur_firing.png|thumb|You push that button, everything we've accomplished for the past 500 years will be finished. Our technology, our way of life, our entire history. We'll have to start all over again. For God's sakes, don't do it, Snake!]]
[[File:Space_Laser_Satellite_Defense_System_Concept.jpg|thumb|He did it! He shut down the Earth!]]
:''[in the detention/deportation center]'' 
:'''POTUS''': Would you explain to this foot soldier why he's going to do what we tell him to do?
:'''Snake''': What's he talking about? 
:'''Malloy''': The Plutoxin Seven virus. 
:'''Brazen''': Genetically engineered. One-hundred percent pure death. 
:'''Malloy''': It starts with a slight headache, then turns into a fever that gets worse. After a short time, you crash. You bleed out like a stuck pig. Not a pretty sight. 
:'''Snake''': I get it. You figure that you inject that shit into me, and under the threat of death, I'll do whatever you say... just like in New York. 
:'''Malloy''': You got it... Snake! 
:'''Snake''': One question: which one of you assholes gets to die trying to stick me? 
:'''Malloy''': You don't understand. It's already in you. 
:''[Snake looks down at his hand, where Brazen scratched him earlier]''  
:'''Brazen''': Catches on quick, doesn't he?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snake''': Let's say I come back and I have your black box. Who'll give me the antidote to the virus? 
:'''Malloy''': A medical team will be standing by. 
:'''Snake''': Neither one of you will be there? 
:'''Malloy''': No. 
:'''Snake''': Good! ''[fires at Brazen and Malloy, with no effect]'' 
:'''Malloy''': Ha! Figured you might try that, hotshot. That's why the first clip is loaded with blanks. Bye-bye, Snake. Good luck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the President receives the Sword of Damocles command remote from Malloy and condemns his daughter Utopia to execution]''
:'''Malloy''': She didn't know that she had that remote unit in her pocket, now, did she? I was wondering what kind of lame switch you'd try to pull this time, Plissken. You know, you're becoming very predictable.
:'''Snake''': Yeah I guess so. You got a smoke?
:'''Malloy''': The United States is a non-smoking nation. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no women, unless, of course, you're married. No guns, no foul language, no red meat.
:'''Snake''': &quot;Land of the free...&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The President orders the execution of Snake for him switching the Sword of Damocles command remote. Soldiers fire at him, with no effect. Malloy takes a gun and walks to Snake, swinging it at him. The gun passes right through.]''
:'''Brazen''': He's not even here, he's a [[w:Hologram|hologram]]!
:'''Snake''': Catches on quick, doesn't she?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Brazen alerts the President that military forces from Cuba and Mexico are less than two minutes away from attacking Florida]''
:'''President''': What's it to be, Plissken? Us or them? 
:'''Snake''': Shut down the Third World; they lose, you win. Shut down America; you lose, they win. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
:'''President''': So what are you gonna do?
:'''Snake''': Disappear. ''[Types &quot;666&quot; on the remote]''
:'''Brazen''': ''[looks at Sword of Damocles system display]'' He's entered in the world code...no target code... ''[realizes what Snake did; to the President]'' Sir, that'll shut down the entire planet.
:'''Snake''': I told you, you'd better hope I didn't make it back.
:'''Malloy''': You push that button, everything we've accomplished for the past 500 years will be finished. Our technology, our way of life, our entire history. We'll have to start all over again. ''[takes one step closer and pleads]'' For God's sakes, don't do it, Snake!
:'''Snake''': The name's '''Plissken'''. ''[pushes the button; the Sword of Damocles EMP satellites fire off, disabling all electrical systems just before Utopia is to be executed]''
:'''Utopia''': ''[as the light fades out]'' He did it! He shut down the Earth!
:''[holographic image of Snake winks out; the real Snake tosses the holo-cam aside. He finds a cigarette and lights it, smiles, and blows out the match as he looks to the camera]''
:'''Snake''': Welcome to the human race.

== Taglines==
* Snake is Back.

== About ''Escape from L.A.'' ==
[[File:HollywoodSign.jpg|thumb|“Escape From L.A.” took some courage for Carpenter, Russell and Hill to make; they had to hope that moviegoers would accept a special effects picture with a satiric sense of humor. Yes, there are laughs in “[[Independence Day]],” but they're fairly obvious and don't sting. “Escape From L.A.” has fun with the whole concept of pictures like itself. It goes deliberately and cheerfully over the top, anchored by Russell's monosyllabic performance, which makes Clint Eastwood sound like Gabby Hayes. ~ [[Roger Ebert]]]]
* Escape from L.A. is better than the first movie. Ten times better. It’s got more to it. It’s more mature. It’s got a lot more to it. I think some people didn’t like it because they felt it was a remake, not a sequel... I suppose it’s the old question of whether you like Rio Bravo or El Dorado better? They’re essentially the same movie. They both had their strengths and weaknesses.
** [http://creativescreenwriting.com/its-always-the-story-the-craft-of-carpenter/ &quot;&quot;It's Always the Story&quot; - The Craft of Carpenter&quot;]. creativescreenwriting.com.

* So, I agree, the effects aren't always charming and sometimes a little, bizarrely awful. The other thing I would level at Escape from L.A. is that it doesn't really justify its 1996 $50 million budget. The aforementioned Jurassic Park had a budget of only $65 million and look what that accomplished. However, a little in its defense, every single shot in Escape from L.A. has some form of effect, whacked out costume, matte painting, set dressing etc. It's a bonkers, punk, grindhouse, fucked up, grungy, comic book, B-Movie writ large. 
* Most of what John Carpenter made was gloriously weird, dark, B-movies, genre movies or movies that felt like comic-books. Escape From L.A. really isn't all that different in that regard. Maybe it's lighter, maybe it's a bit sillier, maybe it's more far fetched but if these are the reasons you dislike it, I would suggest you majorly lighten up. Don't you all love ''[[Big Trouble in Little China]]''? 
:* Jon Cross, [http://aftermoviediner.com/feed/articles/why-does-everyone-hate-escape-from-la &quot;Why Does Everyone Hate Escape From L.A.?&quot;], ''The After Movie Diner''.

* John Carpenter's “Escape From L.A.” is a go-for-broke action extravaganza that satirizes the genre at the same time it's exploiting it. It's a dark vision of a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles—leveled by a massive earthquake, cut off from the mainland by a flooded San Fernando Valley, and converted into a prison camp for the nation's undesirables.
* Against this backdrop Carpenter launches a [[Special effects|special-effects]] [[fantasy]] that reaches heights so absurd that there's a giddy delight in the outrage. He generates heedlessness and joy in scenes such as the one where the hero surfs on a tsunami wave down Wilshire Boulevard and leaps onto the back of a speeding convertible. It's as if he gave himself license to dream up anything—to play without a net. This is the kind of movie “[[Independence Day]]” could have been if it hadn't played it safe.
* Movies like this depend on [[special effects]], costumes and set design to create their worlds out of scratch, and “Escape From L.A.” is wall-to-wall with the landmarks of a post-earthquake L.A. We see the Chinese theater, the Hollywood Bowl and a beached ocean liner, and the showdown takes place in an amusement park intended, I think, to suggest Disneyland's Main Street USA. Snake finds his way through the deadly wilderness with a series of guides, including Pipeline (Peter Fonda), a has-been surfer; Taslima (Valeria Golino), a beautiful but doomed street person; Map-to-the-Stars Eddie (Steve Buscemi), who is the “guy to see” about anything, and the exotic Hershe (Pam Grier), a transsexual who once befriended Snake back in Cleveland, where he/she was known as Carjack. 
* At the end, when Snake has only 20 minutes to find Cuervo Jones, grab the black box and seize the daughter, Hershe suggests they get to Pasadena in a hurry by using hang-gliders. Whose heart is so stony it can resist the sight of Kurt Russell and Pam Grier swooping down from the sky, automatic weapons blazing, in an attack on Disneyland? Who, for that matter, can resist some of the other stops along the way, including Snake's encounter with a colony of “surgical failures,” who have had one plastic surgery too many, and can survive only by obtaining a steady supply of fresh body parts? Or by the sight of San Fernando Valley used-car signs peeking above the waves? Or by a chase scene which involves motorcycles, cars, trucks, horses, machine-guns and boleros? “Escape From L.A.” took some courage for Carpenter, Russell and Hill to make; they had to hope that moviegoers would accept a special effects picture with a satiric sense of humor. Yes, there are laughs in “[[Independence Day]],” but they're fairly obvious and don't sting. “Escape From L.A.” has fun with the whole concept of pictures like itself. It goes deliberately and cheerfully over the top, anchored by Russell's monosyllabic performance, which makes Clint Eastwood sound like Gabby Hayes. 
* Futuristic Los Angeles fantasies have uneven histories at the box office; neither “Blade Runner” nor “Strange Days” did all that well in their initial theatrical releases. But “Escape From L.A.” has such manic energy, such a weird, cockeyed vision, that it may work on some moviegoers as satire and on others as the real thing. That could lead to some interesting audience reactions.
:* [[Roger Ebert]], [https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/escape-from-la-1996 &quot;Escape From L.A.&quot;], ''Rogerebert.com'', (August 9, 1996).

* The film exults in its imagination of the greater Los Angeles area as a ruined metropolis, with the Santa Monica Freeway well underwater and the Universal Studios theme park beset by real sharks instead of the Spielberg variety. In the action climax, Disneyland—stripped of its familiar branding following a corporate bankruptcy—is invaded from the skies as Plissken drops in, gun blazing. (It's not the movie of a man who's entirely happy with the machinations of Hollywood studios.) Carpenter later said he wanted the scene to be reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz, which figures. With its aggressively whimsical dream logic, the only way this movie really makes sense is if Snake wakes up in Kansas in the final reel. 
* The worst of it is that Escape from L.A. was released at a time when computer graphics were still in their relative infancy, and its CGI is frankly cartoonish, while the composites that make up that surfboard ride down Wilshire Boulevard are...unconvincing. Some of the miniatures work holds up pretty well, but the film will forever be dated by the phoniness of its most ambitious effects, including shots held together by the digital equivalent of chewing gum and bailing wire. In a pinch, you could posit the crudely-layered VFX work as an elegant fit with the goofy, comic-book style of the action, but I think that's a reach.
* And there's another way the movie's dated. I'm definitely in favour of roles for Pam Grier, and Carpenter gives her a small but showy one in Escape from L.A.. She plays Hershe—it's pronounced like &quot;Hershey,&quot; thus it's an insistent play on race as well as gender. See, Hershe is a [[transexual|transwoman]] with hairy 'pits and an uncharacteristically deep voice who used to be a buddy of Snake's known as Carjack Malone. When Snake finds her, he gets in close, runs his hand up her thigh to her crotch and declares, &quot;The more things change, the more they stay the same,&quot; before intimidating &quot;Carjack&quot; with the gun he found there. When she insists, &quot;I'm no longer Carjack Malone,&quot; he hisses in response, &quot;I don't give a fuck what you are.&quot; Yes, Plissken has story reasons for threatening Hershe. But, absent that greater context, the film plays here exactly as though Snake is threatening a [[hate crime]].
* Context is everything, and I don't imagine that either Carpenter or Russell harbours much ill will towards transsexuals. I might even argue that Carpenter's decision to cast a great actress like Pam Grier in a transgender role is evidence of his egalitarianism. Still, with the presence-or-not of a dick between her legs dropped as one in a long series of jokes about crazy Angelenos, the aggression rankles. Eighteen years have passed since the film's release, and I'm guessing neither Carpenter nor Russell would be comfortable including the scene as written if the film were released today. Like the outmoded VFX work, it's a flourish that makes Escape from L.A. uglier than it was intended to be.
:* Bryant Frazer, [http://www.filmfreakcentral.net/ffc/2014/02/escape-from-la.html &quot;John Carpenter's Escape from L.A. (1996) - Blu-ray Disc&quot;], ''Film Freak Central'', (February 2, 2014).

* Once again, Snake has to enter a sprawling urban prison zone and, with a deadly virus implanted in his blood, carry out a suicide mission. I have no idea why Russell is doing a brazen Clint Eastwood impersonation, but I do know that no one who looks this good need croak out his lines in this steely a whisper. Carpenter’s L.A. suggests a Bosnian refugee camp outfitted by Frederick’s of Hollywood. Every so often, we get to feast our eyes upon a trashed landmark — cheesy B-movie mock-ups of the Capitol Records tower and the Beverly Hills Hotel lying in ruins. Carpenter never was the filmmaker his cult claimed him to be, but in Escape From L.A., he at least has the instinct to keep his hero moving, like some leather-biker Candide. Among Snake’s more amusing pit stops: a gladiatorial basketball game in the L.A. Coliseum and a cosmetics emporium run by the ”Surgeon General of Beverly Hills.”
:* Owen Gleiberman, (1996-08-23). [http://www.ew.com/article/1996/08/23/john-carpenters-escape-la &quot;Escape From L.A.&quot;] ''Entertainment Weekly''. Retrieved 2015-09-16.

* Since the millennium, the capital of the country has been relocated to Lynchburg, Va., and the government has outlawed cursing, smoking, drinking and red meat. Los Angeles may be hellish, but at least, explains one exiled character, there you can still wear a fur coat. &lt;br&gt; For good comic measure, the movie also throws in Pam Grier as a transsexual Los Angeles overlord, and Steve Buscemi as the ultimate, fast-talking, double-dealing, sleazy Hollywood agent, a slimeball with the unfortunate name of Map to the Stars Eddie.
** Stephen Holden, [https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/library/film/escape.html &quot;Escape From L.A.&quot;], ''The New York Times'', (August 9, 1996).

*'''Question''': Do you remember what your creative approach was to it?
:'''Coleman Luck:''' Sure. I looked at it and said: here’s LA. I’ve been living in LA for a number of years and the first thing that occurred to me was: you know, LA in the future that we’re talking about here, the earthquake has happened—the giant earthquake has separated the city from the rest of the country—and LA is now an asylum for the criminally insane. With millions of people living in it and all the things that are in LA that we love; from the traffic jams to everything under the sun. Just everything. I went up with a sendoff on all of it. And of course Snake Plissken is gonna get sent into this place. And experience all the stuff that’s going on. I turned Disneyland into Ratland and I mean, it was dark; let me tell you, it was dark!
:* Coleman Luck, [https://www.slashfilm.com/coleman-luck-escape-from-la-interview/ &quot;HDTGM: A Conversation with Coleman Luck, Original Screenwriter of ‘Escape from L.A.’&quot;], Blake Harris,  ''Slash Film'', (January 20th, 2017).

* It's been 15 years since Carpenter's futuristic cowboy-noir archetype Snake Plissken (Russell) unpenned the President from the New York City Maximum Security Prison, but then as Snake himself liked to note, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Of course, there have been a few minor revisions to the United States since then: The “Big One” finally hit California, decimating Los Angeles and leaving the city and its environs less than landlocked, Donald Pleasance's position as President has been filled by the bible-thumping histrionics of an apparently de-lobed Cliff Robertson, and the resultant political climate has left the country a theocratic police state. Citizens convicted of moral crimes (pre-marital sex, smoking, eating red meat, voting Democratic, etc.) are packed off to the island of Los Angeles where they are left to fend for themselves against the roving gangs and genuine psychotics that litter the island like so much post-quake detritus.
** Marc Savlov, [https://www.austinchronicle.com/events/film/1996-08-09/138096/ &quot;John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.&quot;], ''The Austin Chronicle''. Retrieved 2015-09-16., (1996-08-09)

* Dark, percussive and perversely fun, &quot;Escape From L.A.&quot; puts Kurt Russell as hard-nosed outlaw hero Snake Plissken right where he belongs—in the ruins of Hollywood, where bravado on a Harley or a surfboard can be a tool for survival.
* In the movie's opening scenes, Los Angeles cracks up big time. It becomes an island of rubble in the middle of a huge bay with Malibu at one end and Orange County at the other. The San Fernando Valley is a sea filled with sharks and the ruins of old freeways and collapsed apartment complexes. Compared with the spare-looking &quot;Escape From New York,&quot; this &quot;Escape&quot; looks like a [[w:Peter Bruegel The Elder|Brueghel]] painting—dense, meaty, strangely beautiful. The filmmakers credit the 1994 Northridge quake as an inspiration.
* Underneath the film's &quot;hey dude&quot; attitude, &quot;Escape From L.A.&quot; is surprisingly effective in picturing a former nirvana clenched in the twisted rubble of its own excess. The City of Angels has become the perfect prison for kooks, yet the film also shows us a somehow familiar America of kooks in high places, preening and self-righteous, ruthless as rats.
:* Peter Stack, [https://www.sfgate.com/movies/article/FILM-REVIEW-The-Ocean-Falls-Into-L-A-2971032.php &quot;FILM REVIEW -- The Ocean Falls Into L.A. / Drowned city stars with Kurt Russell in &quot;Escape' sequel&quot;]. ''San Francisco Chronicle''. (1996-08-09)

* When it came to making “Escape from LA,” Carpenter had a budget of around $50 million to work with. But while he and Russell had more time and money, Carpenter said he had the hardest time writing the screenplay for it because he felt that everything he was writing was “bullshit.” What got him to revisit Snake Plissken was that Russell was so keen on playing the character again, and they solved their script problem by moving the action to Los Angeles which was in a constant state of denial with all the earthquakes and natural disasters occurring there. They simply took the same scenario of the original movie and updated it to reflect the current state of the city while filming.
* “Escape From New York” may have had only one real New York shot in the entire movie, but all of “Escape from LA” was filmed in Los Angeles. The sequel was shot over a period of one hundred and three nights, and Carpenter said he found filming at night to be very “soul draining” as it changes the way you see things and the darkness infects you in a very unhealthy way.
:* The Ultimate Rabbit, [https://theultimaterabbit.com/2017/08/13/john-carpenter-looks-back-at-escape-from-new-york-and-escape-from-la/ &quot;John Carpenter Looks Back at ‘Escape From New York’ and ‘Escape From LA’&quot;], (August 13, 2017).

* With much humor and high adventure, &quot;John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.&quot; brilliantly imagines a [[Dante]]-esque vision of the City of Angels 17 years from now as a hell on Earth, all but destroyed—and made an island—by a 9.6 earthquake in 1998. &lt;br&gt; Amid endless vistas of ruins—think Berlin at the end of World War II—the Chinese Theater, the Capitol Records building, a wing of the Beverly Hills Hotel and other damaged landmarks still stand to let us know where we are. Inspired, meticulously detailed production design in turn serves as a background for a provocative high-octane action thriller that reunites Carpenter with producer Debra Hill and Kurt Russell, who jointly wrote this spectacular, superior sequel to their rousing 1981 &quot;Escape From New York,&quot; which, by the way, was set in 1997.
* At the top of his game, Carpenter and his cohorts boldly tap into the twin strains of paranoia gripping the present-day American society, suggesting that we face one or the other of two of our worst nightmares coming true. They suggest that liberals fear a fascistic Moral Majority-style takeover—it's not for nothing that Robertson's president has moved the government to Lynchburg, Va.--whereas conservatives fear a Latino invasion from the South of the Border. Snake, therefore, becomes the man in the middle with whom most of us identify.
** Kevin Thomas, [http://articles.latimes.com/1996-08-09/entertainment/ca-32561_1_director-john-carpenter &quot;This Makes SigAlerts Seem Tame&quot;\]. ''Los Angeles Times'', (1996-08-09).

* A cartoonish, cheesy and surprisingly campy apocalyptic actioner, “John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A.” is spiked with a number of funny and anarchic ideas, but doesn’t begin to pull them together into a coherent whole. Designed principally to return Kurt Russell’s violence-prone Snake character to the screen after a 15-year layoff and to gain maximum mileage out of the public’s delight in seeing the worst possible fate visited upon SoCal, this serving of sloppy seconds will score its biggest hit with teenage boys. Paramount should look to make a quick getaway with as much B.O. booty as possible from potent openings, as staying power looks meager.
** Todd McCarthy, (1996-08-12). [https://variety.com/1996/film/reviews/john-carpenter-s-escape-from-l-a-1200446444/&quot;Review: 'John Carpenter's Escape from L.A.'&quot;]. ''Variety''. Retrieved 2015-09-16.

* It has been 16 years since Snake's exploits in New York City. He's once again arrested, this time for a series of moral crimes, and sentenced to exile on the prison island. However, he's recruited, once again against his will, to retrieve the remote. In exchange, his criminal record will be expunged and he can start anew. &lt;br&gt; As his next adventure progresses, Snake meets a group of individuals, which include Heshe Las Palmas, a transsexual gang leader played by Pam Grier, &quot;Map to the Stars&quot; Eddie, played by Steve Buscemi, and the seductive Taslima, played by Valeria Golino. Taslima has been sent to L.A. for the simple fact that she is Muslim. She later confides in Snake that despite the anarchistic nature of her new surroundings, she feels it's the only place one could be absolutely free, since the outside world has in one way or another created a prison of its own. &lt;br&gt; Similar to the original film, these various characters aid Plissken in navigating his way through the former tinsel town, foiling the villain's plot and returning to the mainland. It is there, when the time comes for Snake to hand over the device, that he realizes the true power of the weapon he has helped to secure, which guarantees victory for whoever possesses it. Realizing this, Snakes comes to the conclusion that no one should wield that much power and hits the reset button, erasing the last several hundred years of technological advancements, sending us back to the Stone Age. Our iconic anti-hero then proceeds to break the fourth wall by giving the audience one final badass look; leaving us to venture into a world that may be even more dangerous than the one we just left behind. &quot;Welcome to the human race,&quot; he states.
:* Anthony Perotta, [https://www.popmatters.com/sci-fi-cowboys-in-escape-from-new-york-and-escape-from-la-2507232787.html “Sci-fi Cowboys in 'Escape from New York' and 'Escape from L.A.'”], ''Pop Matters'', (07 Nov 2017).

* And now, we're in 2013, the year in which John Carpenter set his 1996 sci-fi thriller Escape From L.A. Though a box-office dud of mixed critical reputation, Escape From New York's pulpy sequel offers a fun viewing experience today—in part, unsurprisingly, because our world little resembles the one the film imagined. &lt;br&gt; Of course, it's a very good thing it doesn't. In the film's prologue, a stern, robotic-sounding female narrator offers a disturbing vision of America gone wrong. After a deadly earthquake in the year 2000, Los Angeles separates from mainland North America, so our government uses the newly formed island for prisoners, atheists, and other undesirables. Present-day California's quite-terrible prison problems pale in comparison. 
* The surprisingly character-driven script, too, wouldn't fly today. Rather than focus on elaborate set pieces and action sequences, Carpenter, Hill, and Russell give their actors ample time to talk and double-cross each other. Sometimes Snake is the trickster—in one memorable moment, he kills armed men by appealing to their sense of fair play, which he does not reciprocate—but most of the time everyone around Snake betrays him. Steve Buscemi turns up as &quot;Map of the Stars&quot; Eddie, and at first he's eager to help. But as the movie continues, Eddie reveals himself as a lackey for Cuervo Jones (Georges Corraface), a Peruvian revolutionary and the movie's de-facto villain. With the exception of Peter Fonda's whacked-out hippie, the characters of Escape From L.A. are unfailingly selfish and mean. Plissken gets some help from Hershe (Pam Grier), a transgender crime lord, but only after he lies to her about a government payoff. &lt;br&gt; The most satisfying payoff of seeing Escape From L.A. today is in realizing that 1996 imagined 2013 so as to fantasize about regressing. At one point in the film, someone remarks Plissken looks &quot;so 20th century.&quot; That's not a phrase that anyone uses today, but it speaks to a deeper truth: This is a pro-nostalgia antihero, disgusted by the world around him, only able to be happy—insofar as he can be happy—when he's on a surfboard. At the end of the movie, Plissken uses the black box to effectively turn off the world's light switch. The screen cuts to black and Russell offers the last line: &quot;Welcome to the human race.&quot; Transpose that turn of events onto 2013 as it actually exists, and it becomes more profound than it was in theaters. Nothing would make Snake Plissken angrier than friends at a restaurant ignoring one another because they're transfixed by their smart phones.
:* Alan Zieberman, [https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/08/-i-escape-from-la-i-today-how-a-1996-sci-fi-thriller-imagined-the-year-2013/278460/ “Escape From L.A., Today: How a 1996 Sci-Fi Thriller Imagined the Year 2013“], ''The Atlantic'', (Aug 8, 2013).

==Cast==
* [[Kurt Russell]] - Snake Plissken
* [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] - Map to the Stars Eddie
* [[w:Peter Fonda|Peter Fonda]] - Pipeline
* [[w:Cliff Robertson|Cliff Robertson]] - President
* [[w:Valeria Golino|Valeria Golino]] - Taslima
* [[w:Stacy Keach|Stacy Keach]] - Cmdr. Malloy
* [[w:Pam Grier|Pam Grier]] - Hershe Las Palmas/Carjack MAlone
* [[Bruce Campbell]] - Surgeon General of Beverly Hills
* [[w:Georges Corraface|Georges Corraface]] - Cuervo Jones
* [[w:Michelle Forbes|Michelle Forbes]] - Brazen
* [[w:A. J. Langer|A. J. Langer]] - Utopia
* [[w:Ina Romeo|Ina Romeo]] - Hooker
* [[w:Peter Jason|Peter Jason]] - Duty Sergeant
* [[w:Jordan Baker|Jordan Baker]] - Police Anchor
* [[w:Caroleen Feeney|Caroleen Feeney]] - Woman on Freeway
* [[w:Paul Bartel|Paul Bartel]] - Congressman
* [[w:Tom McNulty|Tom McNulty]] - Officer
* [[w:Jeff Imada|Jeff Imada]] - Saigon Shadow
* [[w:Breckin Meyer|Breckin Meyer]] - Surfer
* [[w:Robert Carradine|Robert Carradine]] - Skinhead
* [[w:Shelly Desai|Shelly Desai]] - Cloaked Figure
* [[w:Leland Orser|Leland Orser]] - Test Tube

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1996 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Political thriller films]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]]</text>
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    <title>Pyotr Stolypin</title>
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'''[[w:Pyotr Stolypin|Pyotr Stolypin]]''' ([[:w:Russian language|Russian:]]  Пётр Арка́дьевич Столы́пин) ([[April 14]] [[1862]] &amp;ndash; [[September 18]] [[1911]]) served as [[Nicholas II of Russia|Nicholas II]]'s Chairman of the Council of Ministers and was [[w:Prime Minister of Russia|Prime Minister of Russia]] from [[1906]] to [[1911]]. His tenure was marked by efforts to repress revolutionary groups and for the institution of noteworthy [[w:Stolypin reform|agrarian reforms]]. Stolypin hoped, through reform, to stem peasant unrest by creating a class of market-oriented smallholding landowners. He is often cited as one of the last major statesmen of [[w:Russian Empire|Imperial Russia]], with a clearly defined political programme and a determination to undertake major reforms. 

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* You, gentlemen, are in need of great upheavals; we are in need of Great Russia. &lt;ref&gt;[http://www.krugosvet.ru/articles/122/1012271/1012271a1.htm Biography] &lt;/ref&gt;
** Words on his grave; originally the ending of his [[w:State Duma|Duma]] speech ([[24 May]] [[1907]])
*“People sometimes forget about their national tasks; but such peoples perish, they turn into land, into fertilizer, on which other, stronger nations grow and grow stronger.&quot; - May 5, 1908; The State Duma; P. A. Stolypin's speech about Finland. &lt;ref&gt;[https://ru.citaty.net/tsitaty/484174-piotr-arkadevich-stolypin-narody-zabyvaiut-inogda-o-svoikh-natsionalnykh-zadacha/] &lt;/ref&gt; &lt;ref&gt;[https://histrf.ru/lichnosti/biografii/p/stolypin-pietr-arkad-ievich] &lt;/ref&gt; &lt;ref&gt;[http://www.myshared.ru/slide/138476/] &lt;/ref&gt; &lt;ref&gt;[https://politus.ru/v-rossii/937-citaty-pastolypina.html] &lt;/ref&gt; &lt;ref&gt;[https://books.google.ru/books?id=3iSeDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT216&amp;lpg=PT216&amp;dq=%D0%9D%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B+%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%B2%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82+%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B3%D0%B4%D0%B0+%D0%BE+%D1%81%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%B8%D1%85+%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%86%D0%B8%D0%BE%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%BB%D1%8C%D0%BD%D1%8B%D1%85+%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B4%D0%B0%D1%87%D0%B0%D1%85;+%D0%BD%D0%BE+%D1%82%D0%B0%D0%BA%D0%B8%D0%B5+%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B+%D0%B3%D0%B8%D0%B1%D0%BD%D1%83%D1%82,+%D0%BE%D0%BD%D0%B8+%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%89%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82%D1%81%D1%8F+%D0%B2+%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B7%D0%B5%D0%BC,+%D0%B2+%D1%83%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5,+%D0%BD%D0%B0+%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%BC+%D0%B2%D1%8B%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82+%D0%B8+%D0%BA%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BF%D0%BD%D1%83%D1%82+%D0%B4%D1%80%D1%83%D0%B3%D0%B8%D0%B5,+%D0%B1%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%B5+%D1%81%D0%B8%D0%BB%D1%8C%D0%BD%D1%8B%D0%B5+%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=bf14PULA74&amp;sig=ACfU3U3rVMX-mwa8NstIIW64SFRW_P3xFA&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=2ahUKEwiiv8fSmuLmAhWk1aYKHa5lCU8Q6AEwBnoECAYQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%D0%9D%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B%20%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B1%D1%8B%D0%B2%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82%20%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B3%D0%B4%D0%B0%20%D0%BE%20%D1%81%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%B8%D1%85%20%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%86%D0%B8%D0%BE%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%BB%D1%8C%D0%BD%D1%8B%D1%85%20%D0%B7%D0%B0%D0%B4%D0%B0%D1%87%D0%B0%D1%85%3B%20%D0%BD%D0%BE%20%D1%82%D0%B0%D0%BA%D0%B8%D0%B5%20%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B%20%D0%B3%D0%B8%D0%B1%D0%BD%D1%83%D1%82%2C%20%D0%BE%D0%BD%D0%B8%20%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B2%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%89%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82%D1%81%D1%8F%20%D0%B2%20%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B7%D0%B5%D0%BC%2C%20%D0%B2%20%D1%83%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5%2C%20%D0%BD%D0%B0%20%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%BC%20%D0%B2%D1%8B%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B0%D1%8E%D1%82%20%D0%B8%20%D0%BA%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%BF%D0%BD%D1%83%D1%82%20%D0%B4%D1%80%D1%83%D0%B3%D0%B8%D0%B5%2C%20%D0%B1%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%B5%20%D1%81%D0%B8%D0%BB%D1%8C%D0%BD%D1%8B%D0%B5%20%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%80%D0%BE%D0%B4%D1%8B&amp;f=false] &lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes about ==

* After 1917 the most hardened followers of the Tsar would come to denounce Stolypin as an upstart bureaucrat whose dangerous reform policies had only served to undermine the sacred principles of [[w:Tsarist autocracy|autocracy]]. But to his admirers — and there are many of them in [[w:Post-Soviet Russia|post-Soviet Russia]] — Stolypin was the greatest statesmen Russia ever had, the one man who could have saved the country from the [[Russian Revolution|revolution]] and the [[Russian Civil War|civil war]].
** [[Orlando Figes]], ''A People's Tragedy: The Russian Revolution, 1891-1924'' (1996), p. 221

* Alexandre Soljenitsyne lui rend un vibrant hommage lors de son entretien avec Bernard Pivot : &quot;Au XXème siècle, c'est de loin de plus grand homme d'Etat que nous ayons eu&quot;. (Apostrophe, Antenne 2, 1983)


== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Stolypin Pyotr}}
[[Category:Heads of government]]
[[Category:People from Russia]]
[[Category:People from Dresden]]
[[Category:1862 births]]
[[Category:1911 deaths]]
[[Category:Murdered people]]</text>
      <sha1>khggrj0reqgpv968goyf5a0afket76u</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ice Station Zebra</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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        <username>AC9016</username>
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      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <text bytes="6895" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ice Station Zebra|Ice Station Zebra]]''''' is a [[w:1968 in film|1968 film]] about a [[w:Cold War|Cold War]] confrontation in the Arctic over some very valuable film. 
:''Directed by [[w:John Sturges|John Sturges]]. Written by [[w:Alistair MacLean|Alistair MacLean]], [[w:Douglas Heyes|Douglas Heyes]], [[w:Harry Julian Fink|Harry Julian Fink]] and [[w:W.R. Burnett|W.R. Burnett]], loosely based upon MacLean's 1963 [[w:Ice Station Zebra (novel)|novel of the same name]].''
{{center|'''It's a race for the secret ... or TOTAL DESTRUCTION!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== Commander James Ferraday ==
* We operate on a first name basis. My first name is Captain.
* ''[after reading the name of the person who authorized the mission]'' All right sir, I'm impressed. Not enlightened, but impressed.
* One of my men is dead!  Three of them are badly hurt and my ship damn near wiped out.  Now ''you'' take another look at those orders.  I'm in command of this submarine and I am ''not'' sticking another torpedo up that spout or taking another chance making another damned move until I know ''exactly'' what we're doing and why!
*To Commander Ferraday: This is a nuclear submarine.  None of us have been aboard any kind of sub before.  Commander Ferraday:  Rest easy! I have!

== David Jones ==
* The Russians put our camera made by ''our'' German scientists and your film made by ''your'' German scientists into their satellite made by ''their'' German scientists.

== Boris Vaslov ==
* They say - a bull in the ring dies a much better death, than a steer in a slaughterhouse. A bull has a chance.

== Col. Ostrovsky ==
* Commander Ferraday, this is not the time or place to play with words. You have undoubtedly discovered by now that the capsule will explode if opened. I believe your expression is: booby trap.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Admiral Garvey''': Jim, just how much do you know about Ice Station Zebra?
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': Just what's been in the papers, sir. Drift Ice Station Zebra: British civilian weather station over the North Pole. They're in some sort of trouble, apparently.
:'''Admiral Garvey''': Trouble, yes. They've been sending out distress signals; but, too weak and garbled to make much sense. Something has gone wrong up there, that's for sure.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': Those men up there must be pretty important.
:'''Admiral Garvey''': They're not the reason you're going. They're just the excuse.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': Well then, what is the reason sir?
:'''Admiral Garvey''': Oh, I can't tell you that. But I can tell you this: it is important - vitally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Jones''': Where were you stationed, Captain, before you were picked up in transit?
:'''Capt. Leslie Anders''': Asia
:'''David Jones''': Ah, then you haven't been on the ice before either.
:'''Capt. Leslie Anders''': No, Sir. A bullet goes just as fast up here as it does down there.
:'''David Jones''': Not quite. An insignificant difference, perhaps, but I think you'll find the operational characteristics of the M-16 indicate that a bullet will decelerate as much as 40 feet per second per second faster in these climate conditions. It's denser air, you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': There's one thing that cannot happen on board a submarine by accident... is both ends of a torpedo tube open to the sea at the same time!
:'''David Jones''': You cross-connect the hydraulic manifold to the outside door mechanism so that the indicator reads shut when the door is actually open. The same sort of electrical cross on these two panels, and the open position reads green when it should flash red. Then you plug up the inlet to the test cock with chewing gum, sealing wax, anything... just so that it shows a dribble. And then you open the tube, and good night.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': It wasn't sealing wax. It wasn't chewing gum. It was epoxy glue. And all of a sudden you know a whole damn lot about submarines.
:'''David Jones''': I know how to wreck them, and I know how to lie, steal, kidnap, counterfeit, suborn and kill. That's my job. I do it with great pride.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boris Vaslov''': It seems almost benevolent.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': In that state, yes. Confined, controlled, shielded. But it is [[w:Nuclear fission|nuclear fission]] and it hates being confined even more than you do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Jones''': May I ask, Captain, when we expect to reach the ice barrier?
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': Yes, you may ask.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Jones''': Jones. Bad name. Bad connotations. I once killed a man called Jones. Though not for that reason, of course.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': That's not your name?
:'''David Jones''': Isn't that obvious? It's a - it's a code cover name. Brilliant deception, don't you think? Jones.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boris Vaslov''': You have a distrustful character.
:'''David Jones''': I have no character. I assume one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Colonel Ostrovsky's paratroopers and the Americans are preparing to part ways]''
:'''Col. Ostrovsky''': My men and myself will be picked up within the hour.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': And we'll be on our way. We're a long way from home.
:'''Col. Ostrovsky''': We both are, Commander. ''Dasvidania''.
:'''David Jones''': Until you - meet again.
:'''Cmdr. Ferraday''': Yes - until we meet again.
:'''David Jones''': ''Dasvidania''.

== Taglines ==
* It's a race for the secret ... or TOTAL DESTRUCTION!
* &quot;Ice Station Zebra&quot;... Remember The Name—Your Life May Depend On It!
* An American nuclear sub.. a sky full of Russian paratroopers—and a race for the secret of Ice Station Zebra!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Rock Hudson|Rock Hudson]] - Commander James Ferraday, [[w:USN|USN]]
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Boris Vaslov
* [[Patrick McGoohan]] - David Jones of [[w:MI6|MI6]]
* [[Jim Brown]] - Captain Leslie Anders, USMC
* [[w:Tony Bill|Tony Bill]] - 1st Lieutenant Russell Walker, USMC
* [[w:Lloyd Nolan|Lloyd Nolan]] - Admiral Garvey, USN
* [[w:Alf Kjellin|Alf Kjellin]] - Colonel Ostrovsky, the Soviet commander
* [[w:Gerald S. O'Loughlin|Gerald S. O'Loughlin]] - Lieutenant Commander Bob Raeburn, USN
* [[w:Ted Hartley|Ted Hartley]] - Lieutenant Jonathan Hansen, USN
* Michael Mikler - Lt Courtney Cartwright, USN (navigator)
* [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] - radioman Paul Zabrinczski, USN
* [[w:Murray Rose|Murray Rose]] - torpedo-man officer Lt George Mills, USN
* [[w:Jed Allan|Jed Allan]] - Peter Costigan USN
* [[w:Lloyd Haynes|Lloyd Haynes]] - Webson

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0063121}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|ice_station_zebra}}
* {{Amg movie|24251}}

[[Category:1968 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Spy films]]
[[Category:Submarine films]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Alistair MacLean]]
[[Category:John Sturges films]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Royal Rumble</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <id>3150554</id>
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      <comment>/* 2005 */ guerrero flair</comment>
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      <text bytes="202624" xml:space="preserve">The [[w:Royal Rumble|Royal Rumble]] is the first [[w:WWE|WWE]] [[w:Pay Per View|Pay per view]] held of each year since 1989. The attraction of each royal rumble is a battle royal where 30 men come into the ring one at a time every two minutes. The last man standing in the ring after all 30 have entered is the winner. The first Royal Rumble was held on January 24th 1988 and aired on [[w:USA Network|USA Network]]. Each Rumble thereafter has been on PPV.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1988)|1988]] ==
:'''{{w|Jesse Ventura|Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura}}''': You know, McMahon, I'm getting tired of your barbs tonight, and I'm tired of you getting down on me, and if you don't knock it off, you're gonna hear from Barry Bloom.
:'''{{w|Vince McMahon}}''': Who?
:'''Jesse''': You know who.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': ''[on #13,{{w|Jim Duggan|Hacksaw Jim Duggan}}]'' What's he gonna come in and beat everybody with a 2x4?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': How does he get the {{w|One Man Gang|Gang}} over the top? That is the question, McMahon. The Gang weighs somewhere between 450-500 pounds—how is Duggan gonna get him over the top rope?
:'''Vince''': Obviously, he'd have to do what I believe, in some sort of fashion, the Gang's momentum is heading into the rope, and with the Gang going into the rope, Duggan can get underneath, he'll go.
:'''Jesse''': There might be another way too, if he can find the 2x4.
:'''Vince''': Why's that?
:'''Jesse''': Well, he could hit the Gang with the 2x4. That would be the only equalizer I could see.
:'''Vince''': Then again, the Hacksaw himself, somewhere around the 285 pound mark...''[One Man Gang charges Duggan, who pulls the top rope down. His action sends the Gang over the top rope and onto the floor, winning Duggan the Rumble]'' Oh yes! That's it!
:'''Jesse''': He pulled the top rope down! I can't believe it. Out of all the people to win this thing, it's him?
:'''Vince''': What a smart thing to do. Hacksaw Jim Duggan drops the top rope on the One Man Gang!
:'''Jesse''': I can't believe he actually did it.
:'''{{w|Howard Finkel}}''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
:'''Jesse''': You know, with the brain power that Duggan's got, I'll bet you he tripped and fell and the Gang toppled over.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1989)|1989]] ==

:''[During the Royal Rumble drawing]''
:'''{{w|Ted DiBiase|&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase}}''': It's time for the Million Dollar Man to pick the Million Dollar number. ''[Draws his number out of the cage.]'' And the winning number is... ''[Virgil opens up the number and reveals it to DiBiase.]'' Wait a minute...''[brings in {{w|Slick (wrestling)|Slick}}]'' Uh, Slick, Slick. When you drew numbers for your men, how did it go?
:'''Slick''': ''[laughs]'' Brother! It was unbelievable!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': We should talk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura''': Look at how the Boss Man is manhandling Hogan.
:'''{{w|Gorilla Monsoon}}''': Yeah but he just got in the ring. The Hulkster's been in the ring for a half hour.
:'''Jesse''': No he wasn't! He was in there five minutes ago!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': {{w|Hulk Hogan|Hulk}} still creating mayhem for the {{w|Big Boss Man (wrestler)|Big Boss Man}}.
:'''Jesse''': Now, that's illegal! Hogan was eliminated!
:'''Gorilla''': Yes, he is, Jesse. So what?
:'''Jesse''': &quot;So what&quot;? If they'd have done that to Hogan, Monsoon, you'd have been totally irate! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': And this is what Hulkamania is all about. Going out there and flagarantly cheating. Not leaving the ring when you're eliminated. Causing someone else to be eliminated when you have no business out there.
:'''Gorilla''': Are you condoning what the Big Boss Man did; what he and the Slickster did to the Hulkster?
:'''Jesse''': That was weeks ago. I'm talking here and now, Monsoon.
:'''Gorilla''': Sorry, you could only go back to the last couple of minutes then, or what happened yesterday.
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yesterday's gone. It's today that counts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[seeing {{w|Mike Jones (wrestler)|Virgil}} outside the ring after DiBiase has entered]'' Hey, he's not supposed to be out there!
:'''Jesse''': Well who knows, Virgil could be number 31.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I'll tell you something though, Gorilla. As bad as it looks for the Million Dollar Man right now, don't count him out yet.
:'''Gorilla''': Why, because Virgil's still out there?
:'''Jesse''': No, because he's a darn good wrestler.
:''[Just as he says this, {{w|Big John Studd}} tosses DiBiase out, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, there he goes! ''[Virgil jumps in and attacks Studd]'' Look out, Virgil from behind. ''[Studd turns around and fights him throughout]'' Big John just turned around and faced him, didn't even acknowledge those shots he got. Virgil is indeed in trouble. Just like a rag doll. You're talking about 280 pounds of man there.
:'''Jesse''': This is definitely a little bit of an added attraction, isn't it?
:'''Gorilla''': The Royal Rumble is over, John Studd is the winner; he's just having...this is some creme on the cake, Jess.
:'''Jesse''': Well, I got to admit, Virgil kind of brought it on himself. But you got to respect Virgil, he's a paid bodyguard and he came in and tried to do his job.
:''[As he says this, Studd tosses Virgil out]''
:'''Gorilla''': There goes the 31st man.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner of the Royal Rumble: Big John Studd!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1990)|1990]] ==

:'''Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura''': Not even Mickey and Goofy could get in here and I made sure of that. They didn't have tickets. Do you have a ticket,  Schiavone?
:'''{{w|Tony Schiavone}}''': No I don't.  I... what are you insinuating?
:'''Jesse''': Then what are you doing here?
:'''Tony''': I just wanted to sit beside you if that's okay.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Mean Gene Okerlund}}''': Last year, ''allegedly'', Ted DiBiase, you drew #30, which would be advantageous...
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': &quot;Allegedly&quot;? Allegedly? No. Last year, little man, I ''drew'' #30!
:'''Mean Gene''': Well some suspected there might've been a little chicanery, but certainly that wouldn't happen this year, with all the added security of World Wrestling Federation president Jack Tunney, you're not gonna be buying...
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Security? You call that security? I call it downright gestapolism ''[sic]''. I didn't even have the opportunity to ''draw'' my own number!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, Ted DiBiase, you asked Virgil to draw the number for you.
:'''Ted DiBiase''': I didn't ask Virgil to draw the number!
:'''Mean Gene''': Well, of course you did!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Virgil, did I ask you to draw the number! No! Shut up, don't say anything! You made a mistake, I...I can't believe this!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, what number did you draw?
:'''Ted DiBiase''': None of your business what number I...
:'''Mean Gene''': We're gonna find out sooner or later, where's the number? ''(DiBiase hands him the number)'' Oh, you couldn't have gotten a worse draw. This is #1—the worst number of the lot!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Let me tell you something, little man. It doesn't matter whether #1, #2, or #30. What it means is I'll be the first man in the ring, I'll be the last man in the ring, and it's a golden opportunity for me to show all you 9-to-5 nickel-and-dimers out there that I'm the greatest wrestling talent in the world. I'll be there to the end, and I'll win it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I remember not too long ago on Saturday Night's Main Event, the {{w|Lanny Poffo|Genius}} upset the Champion Hulk Hogan!
:'''Tony''': He did?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. Schiavone, who won the match?
:'''Tony''': Yeah but {{w|Curt Hennig|Perfect}} was on the outside with the belt. We all know what happened.
:'''Jesse''': No yeah buts! Who won the match?
:'''Tony''': The Genius.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Hair grows back, but, Beefcake, your ribs, they may not grow back the right way.
:'''Mean Gene''': That was totally uncalled for! To the Royal Rumble—I'm sure you're gonna have to deal with the likes of Brutus &quot;The Barber&quot; Beefcake later on. Thirty of the greatest...what was the number, by the way, that you drew?
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I drew the perfect number, and everybody knows the &quot;perfect number&quot; in the Royal Rumble is #30. And you bet I choose #30! I pulled it right out! And I'm gonna tell you something right now, as I'm standing here, the Royal Rumble is gonna be just like everything else I've done in my life—absolutely perfect.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''{{w|Jake Roberts|Jake &quot;The Snake&quot; Roberts}}''': It never ceases to amaze me, what the human mind can come up with. I mean, you think of the whole concept. The Royal Rumble, this afternoon you're gonna take thirty men, and every two minutes you're gonna send somebody to that ring—a fresh man. So you're thinking to yourself, well what number might be the best? Well,  the last number would be the best, but that doesn't really mean anything, cause there's still gonna be a lot of hungry men out there, and hopefully I'll be one of those hungry men. The man that wins this match is not gonna be the man that's the best wrestler, the best athlete; it's gonna be the man that will do anything, the man that will...take that extra step, do just a little bit more than anybody else, maybe sacrifice a little bit more than anybody else. Now, me—that sounds just a lot like me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Countdown to #11]''
:'''Tony''': Here's the countdown...who will be next in the Royal Rumble?
:'''Jesse''': Uh-oh!  It's {{w|André the Giant}}!  The first member of Heenan family makes his appearance, André the Giant, The 8th Wonder Of The World.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Watch out! With a... ''[Demolition hit a double ax-handle on Andre the Giant. The momentum carries Andre over the top rope and eliminates him]'' He's out!
:'''Jesse''': They got him! {{w|Demolition (professional wrestling)|Demolition}} have accomplished a major obstacle. They've eliminated Andre the Giant!
:'''Tony''': Andre the Giant...certainly one of the favorites for the Royal Rumble...will be no more in this event.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': ''[as {{w|Barry Darsow|Smash}}, {{w|Tonga Fifita|Haku}} and {{w|Jim Neidhart}} try to lift {{w|John Tenta|Earthquake}} out of the ring]'' They've got the feet up. They got the Earthquake's feet up, they're calling for more help.
:'''Tony''': Here comes {{w|Jimmy Snuka|Snuka}}. ''[Jimmy Snuka pushes from under Earthquake]'' Underneath.
:'''Jesse''': There's four of them. Four guys can't get the Earthquake...''[DiBiase joins in]'' Here comes DiBiase–that's five.
:'''Tony''': And {{w|Dino Bravo|Bravo}}... ''[Just as Dino Bravo tries to stop them, Earthquake finally gets pushed over the top to the floor, getting eliminated]'' Oh!
:'''Jesse''': Eliminated the Earthquake! That is a major accomplishment of major teamwork of major proportions!
:'''{{w|Jimmy Hart}}''': It took five of them! FIVE OF THEM!
:'''Tony''': It took...many of them.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': {{w|Shawn Michaels}} eliminated by {{w|The Ultimate Warrior|the Warrior}}.  And {{w|Rick Martel}} eliminated by the Warrior and look at this. Look at this!!
:'''Tony''': My God.
:'''Jesse''': Hulk Hogan and the Warrior!!
:'''Tony''': There is not a person sitting down.  Everyone on their feet.  Look at the eyes of the Hulkster...the eyes of the Warrior.
:'''Jesse''': Whoa!!! What a match up this will be!  The Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan one-on-one.
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan and Warrior stare at each other]'' Hold on to your seats. This place is gonna explode.
:'''Jesse''': ''[Hogan and Warrior collide into each other]'' Whoa! Nobody moved.  Again, nobody moved.
:'''Tony''': Look at this.
:'''Jesse''': ''[Hogan runs vertically across the ring, Warrior runs horizontally.]'' Criss-cross.
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan drops face first on the mat]'' The Hulkster down...he missed a clothesline.
:'''Jesse''': OH!! And they clotheslined each other.  They're both down, unbelievable.
:'''Tony''': Absolutely incredible. These two athletes...the Hulkster, the Warrior...every man for himself going at it...and they both are down.  Listen to the fans.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': Here's the Perfect Plex! ''[Mr. Perfect plants him]'' Look at this! He could've pinned him.
:'''Tony''': ''[But Hulk Hogan escapes and rises to his knees]'' NO!
:'''Jesse''': I don't believe this.
:'''Tony''': Absolutely not. ''[Perfect tries to attack Hogan, but Hogan begins Hulking up]'' You're right in saying that Perfect is the freshest of the two, but the other is Hulk Hogan. ''[On his feet, Hogan now attacks Perfect]'' And here he comes! ''[Hogan slingshots Perfect into the turnbuckle]''
:'''Jesse''': WHOA! He put him into the post! See what Perfect did to the post!
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan continues to attack Perfect]'' Actually, he was ''saved'' by the post that time, I think.
:'''Jesse''': Saved? How do you get saved hitting the post?
:'''Tony''': Well, if he hadn't hit the post, he would've gone over the top. ''[Hogan signals to another corner]'' There he goes! ''[Hogan throws Perfect out, winning the Rumble]'' YES!
:'''Jesse''': I don't believe it!
:'''Howard''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: World Wrestling Federation Champion Hulk Hogan!
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan takes a sign from the front row and presents it to the crowd. It reads &quot;HULKAMANIA WILL LIVE FOREVER&quot;]'' YEAH! Hulkamania will live forever!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1991)|1991]] ==

:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': {{w|Sherri Martel|Sensational Queen Sherri}}, what are you doing out here tonight?
:'''Sensational Queen Sherri''': I am here to make a public challenge, Mean Gene.
:'''Mean Gene''': To whom?
:'''Sherri''': To the Ultimate Warrior, who else? Now, {{w|Sgt. Slaughter}} has promised the Macho King {{w|Randy Savage}} that, should he win the WWF Championship tonight, he has promised the Macho King that he will — that he ''will'' grant him a championship match. Now, being the honorable and brave man that we all know Sgt. Slaughter is...
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Please!
:'''Sherri''': ...there is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that Sgt. Slaughter will do nothing more than grant and come through with every promise that he has acknowledged toward the Kingdom of the Madness. I only hope that the Ultimate Warrior is as honorable as everyone seems to think that he is. However, I have my doubts. Ultimate Warrior, if you can hear me right now, which I think you can, if you are as brave and as honorable as everyone ''says'' you are, why don't you come right out here in front of everyone and accept my challenge. I kind of think he's yellow myself. I don't think you're brave, I don't think that you're even honorable. As a matter of fact, I think that you're yellow from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. Well, where you at, Warrior? Why don't you come out here? I can tell you things about your precious Ultimate Warrior...
:''[The music hits and the Ultimate Warrior walks to the stage]''
:'''Gorilla''': Uh-oh!
:'''{{w|Roddy Piper|Rowdy Roddy Piper}}''': Look out! You asked for it, you got it!
:'''Mean Gene''': What about it?
:'''Sherri''': Yeah, what about it, Warrior? You're so honorable, you're such a wonderful champion, are you willing to grant the Macho King — should you win your WWF Title tonight, should you retain — will you give the Macho King Randy Savage a title shot? No answer? You know, I've admired you for a long time, Warrior. I've looked into those great big beautiful hazel eyes. As a matter of act, I've also looked at those lips and wondered what it would be like...and also, I've always looked at your chest...''[slowly unzips the Warrior's jacket]''...and wondered what it would be like to touch your chest. As a matter of fact, I've often admired you from afar, Warrior. ''[Slides the jacket off]'' This strong, long, wide back; and your hair, it's very wonderful, I've wondered what it would be like to see the wind blowing through your hair. So what's it gonna be, Warrior? Are you honorable, are you brave, are you gonna give the Macho King a title match if you retain that belt tonight? Come on, Warrior, can't you talk to me? Come on, what's it gonna be? Come on, Warrior, can't you say something to me? ''[Leans in and quickly kisses him, to which he smiles]'' Oh, that's the most wonderful thing, the most thrilling thing that has ever happened to me. Please, as I look into your wonderful face and I know the champion that you are, and honorable man that you are, ''[sinks to her knees]'' I know that you would grant the Macho King his title shot. Come on, Warrior, aren't you gonna grant the Macho King a title match? Come on, Warrior, tell everyone what an honorable man that you are, what a brave and wonderful champion that you are, Warrior. What is it to you? Come on, aren't you gonna give the Macho King a title match? Just say yes to me, that's all I want from you. That is all I want from you, Warrior.
:''[Warrior pauses, then spits on the stage]''
:'''Ultimate Warrior''': ''[before walking away]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 
:'''&quot;Macho King&quot; Randy Savage''': ''[having been watching the whole interview from the dressing room, now in a rage]'' You said no! You said no! I'm gonna get him now! ''[He runs out, through the audience, onto the stage, where Sherri is irate]''
:'''Gorilla''': He said &quot;no&quot; emphatically, and look at the Macho King. Is he bent out of shape.
:'''Piper''': Can you blame him? It's like being kissed by a viper.
:'''Gorilla''': Sort of backfired for them, Rod.
:'''Piper''': Medusa's got nothing on this gal!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': I wanna make this clear right now that the views of Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan do not in any way reflect the views of the World Wrestling Federation, or the Arab-Americans, or the overwhelming majority of Arabs throughout the world, for that matter.
:'''Piper''': Well, I understand that, Gorilla, but I wanna make a point. This is America, and as much as I hate his guts, you can do what you want to in America, and Slaughter is free to do. That's why our men and women are over there now. They are fighting for the right to be free! If I don't like it, I'll get in the ring and I'll do something about it, but this is America, and that's why we're all here! God bless America!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''[Having just thrown Sensational Queen Sherri onto Randy Savage, the Ultimate Warrior is jumped from behind by Sgt. Slaughter]'' Oh! What a hard knee. ''[Slaughter bounces Warrior's head on the second rope, attempting to choke him, as referee Dave Hebner gives Slaughter the 5-count. Slaughter breaks at 4. Just as he does, Savage gets up and winds up his scepter]'' Wait... wait... ''[Savage crowns Warrior with the scepter]'' NO!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, look at that! With the scepter right between the eyes! What is this, Hot Rod?!? It's 3-against-1 here!
:'''Piper''': The referee... The referee, I don't think, saw it! ''[Slaughter pries Warrior from the second rope]'' No! ''[He drops an elbow on Warrior and pins him]'' No, no, no... not like this!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as the referee counts]'' What is this?!?
:'''Piper''': ''[The referee counts three]'' No... oh, wait a second, NOW what? No, no... they can't allow this!
:'''Gorilla''': Certainly they're not going to allow this!
:'''Piper''': No, no... some... there's going to be officials coming out here!
:'''Gorilla''': We might have had a disqualification here, I hope.
:'''Piper''': Well it's obvious! The King came out with a scepter! ''[Hebner, unsure of what to do, wanders around aimlessly]'' COME ON!
:'''Gorilla''': Everyone in the entire building saw what the Macho King did!
:'''Piper''': No, this ain't going down like this! ''[By this time, the crowd is yelling &quot;bullshit!&quot;]'' What do ya mean, &quot;What happened?&quot; What the hell do ya think happened?
:'''Gorilla''': I think the referee, in this excitement, Hot Rod, just automatically went down and made the three-count. ''[Warrior, having come to his senses, starts to stagger out of the ring]'' But I think we have a disqualification here.
:'''Piper''': I hope so. Excitement, hell! He ought to be keeping his eyes on what's going on!
:'''Gorilla''': We haven't had any official word yet.
:'''Piper''': ''[Warrior runs out of the arena, in hot pursuit of Savage]'' Where's he going?
:'''Gorilla''': I think he's going after the Macho King.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, here is the official decision. The winner of this bout...and NEW...
:'''Gorilla and Piper''': NO! NO!
:'''Howard''': ''[as he continues, the title belt is handed to Slaughter]'' ...World Wrestling Federation Champion: Sgt. Slaughter!
:'''Piper''': Bull! Bull!
:'''Gorilla''': What a miscarriage of justice! I can't believe it!
:'''Piper''': That's bull! You're not gonna let this hang like this! I can't believe this! You puke! It took three of you!
:'''Gorilla''': I don't believe it! This is ridiculous! This is an outrage!
:'''Sgt. Slaughter''': ''[walking down the aisle, pointing to his many detractors]'' I told you!
:'''Piper''': You told us what?! You can't do nothing by yourself!
:'''Gorilla''': Well he'd better cut that thing in half, Hot Rod, and give half of it to the Macho King!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': ''[after Virgil drops the Million Dollar Belt in front of him]'' What do you think you're doing? You get down there, and pick that thing up right now, and you wrap it around my waist. Need I tell you, need I remind you one more time about your family? About your mother?
:'''Gorilla''': Give me a break.
:'''Piper''': Virgil, remember it just don't matter.
:'''DiBiase''': Pick it up!
:'''Piper''': Remember, Virgil, there comes a point...
:'''DiBiase''': Wrap it around my waist!
:'''Piper''': What, are you gonna need it for the rest of your life?!
:'''Gorilla''': How humiliating.
:''[Virgil drops to one knee and picks up the belt]''
:'''DiBiase''': That's right. That's right. Like I always say: ''everybody's'' got a price... ''[He is cut off by Virgil, who wallops him with the belt]''
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, he NAILED him!
:'''Piper''': YEAH!!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!
:'''Gorilla''': Listen to this capacity crowd, they love it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We don't wanna forget, being that it's a rumble, it'd be okay for {{w|Mr. Fuji|Fuji}} to deck Blubber Love.
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, I'd like to see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm still expecting #18 to show up. He's not officially out of here until the clock starts for the next participant.
:'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but we don't know who #18 was.
:'''Piper''': I know, but he's still got a chance to come out...maybe, I don't know, but until that clock starts again, #18 is still legal. I'm not sure...
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as the 10-second clock appears]'' I believe that is a first in the history of the Royal Rumble that the time limit ran down and nobody came through the curtain.
:'''Piper''': Too late now, 18's outta there. ''[Buzzer sounds for entry #19: {{w|Road Warrior Animal|Animal}}]'' WHOOAAA!! 
:'''Gorilla''': It's Animal from the {{w|Road Warriors|Legion of Doom}}. Well, whoever, Hot Rod, #18 was, he has forfeited his position here in the lineup, so there's no way, shape or form that he can re-enter and be victorious.
:'''Piper''': He is history, baby. If you don't got the guts, you don't belong in the building.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How long has it been for {{w|Greg Valentine|Valentine}}?
:'''Gorilla''': Well, the Hammer has been in well over a half an hour.
:'''Piper''': What tenacity! The Model, too.
:'''Gorilla''': But you know, with Valentine, it takes fifteen minutes just to get his attention, and then he starts to get warmed up. The more you beat on him, the more he likes it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Uh-oh, we're gonna find out right now, Hot Rod, who #18 was—here comes the last entry. ''[buzzer sounds for entry #30: Tugboat]'' It's {{w|Fred Ottman|Tugboat}}.
:'''Piper''': Wait a sec.
:'''Gorilla''': That means that the Macho King was #18.
:'''Piper''': The Macho King wasn't hurt.
:'''Gorilla''': He was one of the odds-on favorites to win this thing.
:'''Piper''': I can't figure it.
:'''Gorilla''': It could be the Ultimate Warrior ran him right out of the building!
:'''Piper''': It could be! It could be. That's the only thing I can think of.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[Hulk Hogan slams Earthquake after failing to do so earlier]'' Hulk off... Yes, he got him that time!
:'''Piper''': ''[Hogan signals to the crowd]'' Throw him OUT!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[slowly, Earthquake rises to his feet]'' I can't believe this, what kind of power the Hulkster possesses... He's setting him up here, look out! ''[Hogan throws Earthquake out, winning the Rumble]'' It's over!
:'''Piper''': What a Rumble!
:'''Howard''': Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble: the Immortal Hulk Hogan!
:'''Gorilla''': Unbelievable victory by that man, Hulk Hogan! What dedication!
:'''Piper''': What guts! What a Royal Rumble!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[Hogan signals for a sign from the crowd]'' Well, Hot Rod, he wasn't going to let down our men and women in the Persian Gulf. ''[The sign says &quot;HULK RULES&quot;]'' He made a promise that he dedicated this match to all of them, and it doesn't surprise me that he's the last man in the ring.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1992)|1992]] ==

:'''{{w|Bobby Heenan|Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan}}''': Look at the New Foundation, they must've just got up.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': What do you mean they just got up?
:'''Bobby''': They still got their pajamas on.
:'''Gorilla''': I'm going to tell them you said that.
:'''Bobby''': I don't care.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Since {{w|Ric Flair}} is the real world's champion, he shouldn't even be in the rumble. He should face the winner. That would be fair. If you want to be fair to Flair,
:'''Gorilla''': Don't start with that fair to Flair to me!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': Well you know, what we're dealing with is one of the original Village People here, with his manager Jimmy Hart, who keeps kissing the belt leaving all that lipstick on it. I heard the Mountie out here saying, &quot;first thing I'm gonna do,&quot; pounds his chest, I don't know him, he's something. &quot;First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Piper's integrity!&quot; Sounds like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean. I ain't go no damn integrity! How do think I got so far? &quot;Second thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Roddy Piper's manhood!&quot; Huh? I come here to fight! I don't know what you come here to do! I come here to win two titles—I can't do that 'til I win the first one! I think ''you've'' been dreamin', I think it's been all wet too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Alfred Hayes (wrestler)|Lord Alfred Hayes}}''': Tell me, Mr. Flair, how did you fare in the Royal Rumble drawing?
:'''Nature Boy Ric Flair''': Lord Alfred, I drew #3. To a lot of people out there, they'd say, &quot;my god, what a disadvantage you're going at.&quot; But look at it like this. When your name is Ric Flair, when you're the claimant to the ''real'' World Heavyweight Championship, you know that, to make everybody a believer, that I've gotta beat 29 other men; so I'll get #3, that means I'll be in there close to an hour. It makes no difference—when I walk out, I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion, against all odds and that's the bottom line.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': And at this time, to make a brief statement prior to the Rumble’s beginning, it gives me great a great deal of pleasure to introduce to you the esteemed president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. {{w|Jack Tunney}}! ''[Tunney enters and the crowd boos]''
:'''Bobby''': Ol’ Jack &quot;On the Take&quot; Tunney.
:'''Gorilla''': Quiet!
:'''Jack Tunney''': Thank you very much Howard. I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome everyone who is watching this spectacular event with us. This is a very big undertaking for the WWF. The winner of the R—uh, this event will not only have the prestige of beating 29 other men but also be declared the undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Bobby''': ''[impatient]'' Come on let’s go!
:'''Gorilla''': Keep your pants on.
:'''Tunney''': I would like to say, in closing, may the best man win! Thank you.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, yeah yeah.
:'''Howard''': Thank you Mr. President.
:'''Bobby''': He’s been the best president since Noriega.
:'''Gorilla''': Will you be serious?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': There goes the buzzer
:''[The third entrant is Ric Flair]''
:'''Bobby''': NO!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, yes!
:'''Bobby''': DAMN IT!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': That's okay. I know Perfect's got him ready. ''[Flair gives one last high-five to Mr. Perfect and enters the ring]'' He's confident.
:'''Gorilla''': Did you hear what I just said?
:'''Bobby''': What? You talking to me?
:'''Gorilla''': Yes.
:'''Bobby''': What'd you say?
:'''Gorilla''': No one ever, in the history of the Royal Rumble, has drawn numbers 1-5, and been there at the end.
:'''Bobby''': OH, SHUT UP! Take your time, Champ. Pace yourself! I'm gonna have to apologize to the people; I don't think I can be really be objective.
:'''Gorilla''': When have you ''ever'' been objective?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Flair, let {{w|Jerry Sags|Sags}} do all the work. Go over to the corner and rest, you only have two minutes...
:'''Gorilla''': You're supposed to be a broadcast journalist — be objective here.
:'''Bobby''': I told you to shut up! Leave me alone.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Back off, Ric. Let Haku do the dir... the kicking. ''[Haku attacks Flair]'' See!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, there it is!
:'''Bobby''': What the heck are you doing, Haku? Have you gone nuts?
:'''Gorilla''': Just to show you it's every man for himself.
:'''Bobby''': Oh no, no, no!
:'''Gorilla''': ...every guy that comes out here.
:'''Bobby''': This isn't fair to Flair! There are no friends, Monsoon! Only enemies—thirty enemies!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Where's Perfect?
:'''Gorilla''': They're not allowed at ringside, Brain. You know that.
:'''Bobby''': He's not a manager, he's an executive consultant.
:'''Gorilla''': Same thing — a pest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Shawn Michaels is making guacamole out of {{w|Tito Santana|El Matador}}.
:'''Gorilla''': He is not.
:'''Bobby''': Look at the tights; they're green.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric delivers a low blow to {{w|Davey Boy Smith|British Bulldog}}]''
:'''Gorilla''': Did you see that? Talk about desperation.
:'''Bobby''': You know what's at stake? A man'll do anything!
:'''Gorilla''': Pulling out all the stops, Ric Flair doing whatever necessary to hang in there.
:'''Bobby''': I'd do that to my own grandmother if I had to.
:'''Gorilla''': I'm sure you would.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Roddy Piper saves Flair from a Jake Roberts DDT]''
:'''Bobby''': I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Roddy. It's a kilt. It's not a skirt, it's a kilt.
:''[Not long after, Piper attacks Flair]''
:'''Bobby''': You no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak! It's not a kilt, it's a skirt!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on #19, Jimmy Snuka]'' He's jogging. He's wasting time, he's wasting energy. He's not conserving his energy or his time.
:'''Gorilla''': He's not wasting time.
:'''Bobby''': I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
:'''Gorilla''': I know you don't.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Savage with a high knee... ''[Randy Savage eliminates Jake &quot;The Snake&quot; Roberts]'' Jake is out of there!
:''[Savage leaps over the top rope (seemingly eliminating himself) to continue fighting Jake]''
:'''Bobby''': Savage is out too! Savage is out, he went over the top! He made the mistake of a lifetime!
:''[Undertaker exits to pull Savage off]''
:'''Gorilla''': {{w|The Undertaker|Undertaker}} went underneath that bottom rope, but I think the Macho Man has eliminated himself. What a mistake!
:'''Bobby''': I think he did.
:'''Gorilla''': That's what happens when your heart takes over your mind.
:'''Bobby''': You can't let your loved ones control your pocketbook.
:''[Undertaker throws him back into the ring]''
:'''Gorilla''': Well, Undertaker threw him back in, but I don't think that's gonna help him.
:''[Savage breaks free and chases down Jake]''
:'''Bobby''': Oh, I know what it is, Monsoon! Since...Savage wasn't thrown over the top rope, so that means he can go back in. No one threw him over the rope; I believe that's one of the rules of the Royal Rumble.
:'''Gorilla''': I'll have to check that out, Brain; I'll take your word for it right now.
:'''Bobby''': ''[as the Undertaker once again tosses Savage back in]'' See, the referee's letting him go back in. Somebody has to throw him out.
:'''Gorilla''': He certainly is — you have to be propelled by someone else.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Flair's low blow]'' He just tried to lift the Undertaker.
:'''Gorilla''': He did not.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Virgil]'' Don't forget, at one time, he had that Million Dollar Championship belt.
:'''Gorilla''': He certainly did.
:'''Bobby''': Of course, he stole it, but he still had it.
:'''Gorilla''': He did not!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Virgil just came out, right? #23, right?
:'''Gorilla''': Yes
:'''Bobby''': Just think, who knows how many bags he's gone through in the back!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, will you stop?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': I'm soaking wet, I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid, get me something to drink!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': He is right now the all-time record holder, in excess of 55 minutes. Congratulations are in order for Ric Flair.
:'''Bobby''': Give him the title, that's good enough for me!
:'''Gorilla''': No, I'm not giving him the title.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': We've only got one entry left. No secret involved here; the guy who drew #30 is gonna be coming out in five seconds. It will be no surprise—it is {{w|The Warlord (wrestler)|the Warlord}}.
:'''Bobby''': But you never know.
:''[The buzzer sounds]''
:'''Gorilla''': What do you mean, you never know?
:'''Bobby''': You never know what Tunney and the WWF'll pull on you!
:'''Gorilla''': It could only be one guy.
:'''Bobby''': ''[as #30, The Warlord enters the arena]'' I told you—the Warlord. I was right. I knew it, I was right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as Hogan tries to kick Flair out of the ring]'' {{w|Sid Eudy|Justice}} just watching. Flair hooking that bottom rope... ''[Sid Justice tosses Hogan out completely, eliminating Hogan and allowing Flair to inch back in]'' And look at from behind, Justice got rid of Hulk!
:'''Bobby''': Uh-oh. I don't like the looks of things now. There are no friends...
:'''Sid Justice''': ''[to Hogan, who's complaining to the referees]'' It's every man for himself, big boy!
:'''Bobby''': There are no friends, only enemies!
:'''Gorilla''': Boy, is Hulk upset. Look, he's...he's saying, &quot;you've stolen my belt!&quot; ''[Hogan grabs Sid's arm, trying to pull him out]'' Look at this! Hulkster holding on, trying to pull him out. It's Flair from behind.
:''[Hogan keeps pulling as Flair pushes Sid over the top rope onto the floor, winning the Rumble and the WWF Championship]''
:'''Bobby''': OH YES! YES! YES YES YES YES...
:'''Gorilla''': Flair did it!
:'''Bobby''': YES! YES! YES! YES! He did it! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, I told you! YES! YES! YES! ''[continues over Howard's announcement]'' YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! I told you!
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Royal Rumble and undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion: Ric Flair!
:'''Gorilla''': Flair did it, I don't believe it!
:'''Bobby''': He did it! He did it! I knew he'd do it! I knew he'd do it! All you humanoids know!
:''[Hogan chases Flair out of the ring, where Mr. Perfect meets him and raises his hand down the aisle]''
:'''Gorilla''': What a man Ric Flair proved to be...
:'''Bobby''': I'm gonna meet him! I'm gonna meet him!
:'''Gorilla''': Where are you going? The Brain has just left the broadcast position to join the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair! ''[Hogan and Sid get into a shoving match as several officials get between them]'' And two would-be champions left inside that ring. Oh, a lot of hatred shown here as we've got all kinds of referees and WWF officials to step between these two behemoths. Look at Justice, look at the Hulkster. He said, &quot;you robbed me of my title.&quot; These guys want at each other. Terry Garvin out there, Pat Patterson, Rene Goulet, Tony Garea—I don't know whether there's enough guys out there to keep these two apart. Lot of trouble in paradise here. As the Hulkster was about to, earlier on, get rid of Ric Flair, and Justice was just standing by watching, and then from the back, flipped out the Hulkster. There are no friends in the Royal Rumble. And now there are enemies, that's for sure. Two guys who were odds-on favorites; of course, Ric Flair was a favorite as well, but drawing the number 3, well, just about said goodbye to his chances. ''[Sid exits the ring]'' But he proved everybody wrong. Everybody in the world now knows what Ric Flair can do, what kind of man he is.
:'''Sid''': Come on, shithead! Come on! I'll kill ya!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Dubbed over commentary of the above moment when shown on TV weeks later.]''
:'''Gorilla''': Take a look at Justice just hanging in the corner, biding his time here. ''[Sid eliminates Hogan from behind]'' From behind, look at this! I don't believe it! Snuck up like a thief from the night from behind and dumped the Hulkster out of there! Holy mackerel!
:'''Bobby''': Listen Monsoon, he's calling him big boy! He's rubbing it in too. I like Sid Justice! I like his style. Come on Ric!
:'''Gorilla''': Look at that, he said &quot;Every man for himself!&quot;, but yes, be a man and face the guy! At least turn around and look in your face when you dump somebody out. ''[Hogan pulls Sid's arm and Ric Flair eliminates Sid winning the match and the title]'' Look at this! Ric Flair, dumping Sid out! I don't believe it!
:'''Bobby''': YES! YES! WOOOOOOOO!!
:'''Gorilla''': It is official! I can't believe for over one hour! Ric Flair is the new World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Bobby''': YES! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! YES! YES! YES! HE DID IT!
:'''Gorilla''': What a display of guts by that guy!
:'''Bobby''': And what a great move by Sid Justice to outsmart that big dummy, Hulk Hogan! YES!
:'''Gorilla''': What a creep Sid Justice turned out to be!
:'''Bobby''': Hey, I gotta go Monsoon!
:'''Gorilla''': Where are you going?
:'''Bobby''': I'm going to me the WWF World Champion! You wrap it up!
:'''Gorilla''': The Brain out of here! And look at this once again, sneaking up from behind, Sid Justice! Give me a break here! Now it's even, face to face! This is the way it should've been from the beginning.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mean Gene''': All right, by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble, we have a brand new World Wrestling Federation Champion. As the press watches on, at this time, to present the title belt to the new Champion, our president, the distinguished Jack Tunney.
:'''Tunney''': ''[shaking Ric's hand and handing him the title]'' Congratulations, Ric Flair, on becoming the undisputed Champion of the World Wrestling Federation.
:'''Flair''': Let me just say, after video-distorting the belt that proclaimed me the REAL world's champion, I'm gonna tell you all, with a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment in my life. When you walk around this world and you tell everybody you're #1, the only way you get to stay #1, is to be #1, and this is the only title in the wrestling world that makes you #1! When you are the king of the WWF, you rule the world! Think about it like that. Mr. Perfect, the Brain — WOO!!!
:'''Bobby''': Let's give a big one...
:'''Bobby, Perfect, and Flair''': WOOO!!!
:'''Bobby''': You did it! I was never so impressed with anything I've ever seen in all my life! He went out there for over sixty minutes, never took a bad step! Took it to Hogan, took it to the Undertaker, took it to whoever got in that ring! That's why he is — and you call him now — the real world's heavyweight champion!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Bobby, we're not the kind of guys to say, &quot;we told you so,&quot; but we...
:'''Bobby and Perfect''': Told you so!
:'''Mean Gene''': Very good. Ric Flair, you have made World — ''[off-camera]'' put that cigarette out! — you have made World Wrestling Federation history here tonight.
:'''Flair''': It's the greatest moment of my life. I wanna jump, I wanna party, but I gotta tell you like this. For the Hulk Hogans, and the Macho Mans, and the Pipers, and the Sids: now it's Ric Flair, and you all pay homage to the man! WOOO!!! I love it!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1993)|1993]] ==

:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': DiBiase, one half of the reigning WWF Tag Team Champions along with {{w|Mike Rotunda|Irwin R. Schyster}}, and now he and Ric Flair are doubling up on the former champion {{w|Bob Backlund}}.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Can you get arrested for beating up the elderly?
:'''Gorilla''': Will you stop?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You know, {{w|Jerry Lawler|Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler}} is the host of ''Superstars''.
:'''Gorilla''': I thought Vince McMahon was the host of ''Superstars''.
:'''Bobby''': No, he goes and gets him coffee and stuff.
:'''Gorilla''': Will you be serious?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': I think there was a little bit more sting on the reverse knife-edges of Tenryu.
:'''Bobby''': Well, where do you think they got the word &quot;chop suey&quot;?
:'''Gorilla''': Not from that!
:'''Bobby''': Are you talking to me?
:'''Gorilla''': Forget about it. It's so deafening in here, you can barely hear yourself.
:'''Bobby''': WHAT?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look, he's got him by his tongue!
:'''Gorilla''': That's his ''tie''. If Irwin is stupid enough to wear a tie in there, then he deserves it.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, you're gonna get audited now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Last time I saw Tugboat... Typhoon... Buffoon, whatever he is, run that fast is when they opened up a lunch line at the free buffet. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Oh, who's coming out now?
:'''Gorilla''': Well, why don't you just wait a minute and find out?!?
:'''Bobby''': I'm sorry, I'm excited! So what? ''[the buzzer sounds]'' Is that you blowing your nose or is that the horn?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Now remember that, when a man sticks his hand out to shake hands with you, you shake it...and then kick him really hard when he's not looking.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Backlund]'' How long's he been in there now?
:'''Gorilla''': 46 minutes and counting!
:'''Bobby''': HOW COME YOU KNOW THIS STUFF AND NOT ME?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': {{w|Rikishi (wrestler)|Fatu}} is bye-bye!
:'''Gorilla''': Who eliminated him, Brain? There's so much going on!
:'''Bobby''': I think he threw himself out, I don't know.
:'''Gorilla''': Threw himself out? NOBODY WOULD DO THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Backlund's been in there so long, when he entered the ring, his shoes were up to his knees!
:'''Gorilla''': WILL YOU STOP?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': There goes Backlund, there goes Backlund.
:'''Gorilla''': Tito Santana trying to get him outta there, and Backlund came down on the apron and scooted underneath the bottom rope.
:'''Bobby''': This guy's like a spider monkey! He just hooks onto things and you can't get him off!
:'''Gorilla''': And he got one hell of a reaction from this capacity crowd for that move.
:'''Bobby''': That was just totally out of respect. He's like a leech! I had an aunt once like that.
:'''Gorilla''': You resemble that remark.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[as Earthquake and {{w|Yokozuna (wrestler)|Yokozuna}} face-off]'' Look at this. Look at this. It's like the two Sears Towers meeting.
:'''Gorilla''': Earthquake says, &quot;let's get it on!&quot;
:'''Bobby''': And look at Yokozuna. &quot;Come on, big boy. Try to make ''me'' shake!&quot;
:'''Gorilla''': It is deafening here in the arena as we are live at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Bobby''': I see your lips moving, but I can't hear you!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Look at this. {{w|Carlos Colón, Sr.|Carlos Colon}} got &quot;The Rocket&quot; {{w|Owen Hart}} perched up there.
:'''Bobby''': No, that's Martel!
:'''Gorilla''': That's Martel, I'm sorry!
:'''Bobby''': You should be! If you can't do it right, take a hike!
:'''Gorilla''': I'm outta here.
:'''Bobby''': Don't go yet, wait a minute, I've gotta ask you another question.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Fuji's at ringside! He's waving the Japanese flag! Banzai, Macho Man!
:'''Gorilla''': Fuji with the flag from the Land of the Rising Sun.
:'''Yokozuna''': SAMOA!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Yokozuna runs to splash Savage in the corner]''
:'''Gorilla''': Fuji's saying &quot;one more time.&quot; ''[Savage gets out of the way, and Yokozuna hits the corner]'' Oh, look out! He got out of there! Savage still got something left!
:'''Bobby''': He's going up to the top rope! ''[Staggering, Yokozuna falls to the mat]'' He's down! Yokozuna's down!
:''[Savage hits the elbow on Yokozuna]''
:'''Gorilla''': Savage with the elbow. ''[Savage tries to pin Yokozuna]'' Pinfalls don't count! ''[Yokozuna pushes Savage off, over the top and to the floor, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, there you go!
:'''Bobby''': He threw him off from the floor! He pitched him from the mat over the top rope to the floor!
:'''Gorilla''': Let's go and get the official word!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Royal Rumble: Yokozuna!
:'''Gorilla''': Yokozuna on his way to WrestleMania IX! Caesar and Cleopatra, they will be leading the way for Yokozuna to Caesar's Palace for the big one. April 4, WrestleMania IX, Caesar's Palace.
:'''Bobby''': This man is going to become a national hero.
:'''Gorilla''': Who is going to defeat this unbelievable individual?

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1994)|1994]] ==

:''[After the WWF Tag Team Championship match, Owen is arguing with an injured {{w|Bret Hart|Bret &quot;Hit Man&quot; Hart}}]''
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': Well it's... It's obvious to me that Owen Hart is blaming...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Owen kicks Bret in the injured leg, knocking the elder Hart down]'' Oh no!
:'''DiBiase''': HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! That's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has done all night, McMahon. As a matter of fact, that's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has ever done. I think you've just seen a major change in that man's career. He is finally waking up to the fact that he's not going to stand in the shadow of big brother anymore, because big brother wants to hog the limelight.
:'''Vince''': ''[A chorus of boos rain down on Owen as he leaves the ring]'' Can you imagine what the Hart family must be thinking back in Calgary right now? They thought we were going to see Owen and Bret, as brothers, win the Tag Team championships! Instead, they see that man right there!
:'''Owen Hart''': All he had to do was tag me, but he was too selfish to worry about me! He just worries about himself! He's gotta be a hero and fight the whole match by himself! All he had to do was tag me. I know he had a bad leg! Why didn't he just tag me?! Just tag me, Bret, but you're too damn selfish.
:'''Vince''': I can't believe those remarks!
:'''DiBiase''': ''I'' can! He hit the nail right on the head. That's exactly what I said, McMahon. That's exactly what I said, and Owen Hart has just waken up. From now on, you're gonna see a whole new attitude from that young man, and I see him going to the top.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Todd Pettengill}}''': Vince, I gotta tell you I cannot believe what I just saw. Owen, please tell me why, ''why'' this despicable act...
:'''Owen''': Why what? Why what?!
:'''Todd''': I don't understand...
:'''Owen''': You wanna know why?! Bret Hart, you're nothing but a selfish person! I went in there in a tag team match for the biggest match of my life! It was a dream come true. I thought I had the best partner in the world—my own brother. But you're too selfish, like I've said all along. Your ego is too big. You only worry about yourself, Bret. You don't care about me.
:'''Todd''': Unbelievable, in front of your entire family...
:'''Owen''': I don't care about anybody. I was concerned about myself and my whole family, the biggest opportunity of my life. I had a chance, Bret, and you stripped it away from me, you took it away from me, Bret, because you're too selfish. All you had to do was just tag me. My hand was there. Just tag me. I knew your leg was bad, I was aware of that, just tag me. But you're too ''selfish!'' You just want to put your Sharpshooter on. I could've won the match; I don't need you with a bad leg doing it, Bret. You're too damn selfish! And that's why you're sitting there with a bad leg, and that's why I kicked your leg outta your leg.
:'''Todd''': Owen, let me ask you something. You obviously cost Bret a shot at the Championship, there's no way he's gonna be able to compete in the Royal Rumble match coming up tonight. Don't you think that was selfish on ''your'' part?
:'''Owen''': There's no selfishness in me, there's not a selfish bone in my body. He cost himself the WWF Tag Team belts, and he cost me, his little brother, a guy that's never had the taste of a WWF belt before! He's done it before, he doesn't care about me, he just worries about himself. I don't care about you in the Royal Rumble, Bret, because this is my opportunity. I'm in it too. I'm not worried about ''you'' getting cost the WWF Belt. I'm worried about myself, and I'm gonna get that belt, because I didn't get a chance to win the Tag Belts because of you. But I can count on myself, and I'll take the WWF Belt. I'll win that Royal Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Undertaker''': Be not proud. The spirit of the Undertaker...lives within the soul of all mankind. The eternal flame of life...that cannot be extinguished, the origin of which...cannot be explained, the answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind...will witness the rebirth...of the Undertaker. ''I...will not rest...in peace...''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''DiBiase ''': You gotta remember one thing, McMahon. When it's all over, ''[the buzzer sounds]'' done and said, when the smoke clears and the dust settles, they don't care how...
:'''Vince''': ''[#6 is Bart Gunn]'' Here comes Bart. Here comes {{w|Mike Polchlopek|Bart Gunn}}!
:'''DiBiase''': ...they just wanna know who. When it's all over, ''who'' won. Not ''how'' they win, ''who'' won.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#7 is {{w|Kevin Nash|Diesel}}]'' Look at this monster.
:'''DiBiase''': That's one big man, McMahon. Almost as big as me.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, right.
:'''DiBiase''': Hey, if I'm standing on my wallet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#10 is Virgil, an alternate entry, who attacks Diesel]'' What a story this would be if Virgil could dump the big man out.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, the key word there, McMahon, is &quot;alternate.&quot; ''[As he says this, Diesel eliminates Virgil]'' Virgil made his mistake long ago when he left me. See what I mean?
:'''Vince''': Who is gonna stop this huge monster in the ring?
:'''DiBiase''': Next!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After entry #25 fails to enter]''
:'''Vince''': That must have been Bret. That must be Bret Hart. That's unfortunate.
:'''DiBiase''': ''[laughs]'' A matter of opinion.
:'''Vince''': Nine men currently in the Rumble, and unfortunately it would've been ten with Bret Hart, I suppose. Bret Hart wanted to be in the Rumble; it was a dream of his to be in the Royal Rumble, to win this one, and then go on to perhaps once again be the WWF Champion. It has been a bad night for Bret Hart, one that I'm sure he will never ever forget, and a bad night for the whole Hart family.
:'''DiBiase''': Not Owen! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as the buzzer sounds]'' The ring is really filling up with humanity now. Who is it? Who is it? ''[Entry #27 is, limping to the ring...]'' It's Bret Hart! It's Bret Hart!
:'''DiBiase''': I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! I'll tell you what. I'll tell you, McMahon, that's sure...he's sure showing a lot of guts!
:'''Vince''': Look at that determination! Look at that determination!
:'''DiBiase''': Yeah, look how stupid he is for risking this after he'd been hurt so bad! There's a lot of guts, but no brains at all!
:'''Vince''': I don't know what Bret can do in the ring, in the Royal Rumble, if he can do anything. But I'll tell you, if he doesn't do anything, I'll give that man credit for returning. What gumption, what guts on the part of Bret Hart.
:'''DiBiase''': I don't know what you're seeing, McMahon. I give him credit for being stupid. He's out there risking what could be his career with a severe injury, just to prove to all these people that he's got guts.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[Lex Luger has Bret Hart up in position for elimination]'' And {{w|Lex Luger|Luger}} has Bret up! And, no. ''[Bret escapes]''
:'''DiBiase''': No.
:'''Vince''': ''[Both men go over the top rope]'' It's Luger, I think... Luger threw... Luger threw Bret Hart out!
:'''DiBiase''': Well... I don't know. I don't... know. Where's the referee?
:'''Vince''': Luger... Luger - I believe, I'm not sure - threw Bret Hart out.
:'''DiBiase''': I hate to say it; I think Bret Hart threw ''Luger'' out! 
:'''Vince''': ''[Referees Joey Marella and Earl Hebner confer amongst themselves]'' Well, a discussion going on. Let's, uh... let's get the ring announcement. Here we go. Let's get... let's get the official word. Let's go now to get the official word from the ring announcer, as to who won the Royal Rumble.
:'''DiBiase''': Absolutely. The referees are still thinking about it.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble...
:'''Vince''': ''[Luger's music plays]'' Yes sir, it's Luger! What an ovation!
:'''DiBiase''': ''[Meanwhile, Hebner is yelling something to Howard]'' I don't know, McMahon. I don't know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Suddenly, Luger's music is cut off]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute... the music has stopped. ''[The two referees are conferencing with Howard]'' There's more discussion going on. ''[Hebner says something to Howard, and he prepares to make another announcement]'' Uh-oh. I think there's... Let's go up. There's another announcement to be made.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[This time, Hart's music plays]''
:'''Vince''': Well, it must be the &quot;Hit Man&quot; Bret Hart! 
:'''DiBiase''': Wow.
:'''Vince''': And he's back on his feet.
:'''DiBiase''': Wait a minute, McMahon, who won this thing? I don't think they can make up their minds. First Luger's music plays, ''[Hart's music is cut off]'' then Hart's music... they stopped it again.
:'''Vince''': Well the announcer has yet to announce exactly who won the Royal Rumble.
:'''DiBiase''': Look, the referees are arguing, they can't make up their mind. I don't think they know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Marella and Hebner take turns holding one of the wrestlers' arms up in victory]'' I've never seen this before.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, what happens NOW?!?
:'''Vince''': I think... I think, uh, the official on the left believes Bret Hart won. ''[Hebner holds Hart's arm up, while Marella holds Luger back]'' Both men went out, I guess, at approximately the same time. It was tough from our viewpoint. I thought... ''[Suddenly, WWF president Jack Tunney enters the ring]'' Wait a minute; there's president Jack Tunney.
:'''DiBiase''': I think Luger won, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': I think I'm going to agree with you, but I'm not sure. ''[Tunney steps between the two referees]'' All right, Jack Tunney between the officials. Let's go back if we have a replay; I don't know. If we have it, let's see what we can... Jack Tunney will have to make a decision here, but let's... ''[The screen shows a replay of the finish]'' Here we go. We're going to see it; here we go now. And over they go and... I don't know.
:'''DiBiase''': Wow, I don't know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Back to live action]'' I don't know. I thought it was Luger at first, but I'm not too sure after that. I'm not too sure.
:'''DiBiase''': I think it was Luger, McMahon. Luger's longer-legged.
:'''Vince''': Let's take another look at it, if we have it. If we have another angle... ''[The screen shows another angle of the finish]'' While Jack Tunney's making up his mind, you make up yours. And we go out and it's...
:'''DiBiase''': Here we go. Luger!
:'''Vince''': No, that was Bret, I think.
:'''DiBiase''': ''[Back live]'' No, I think it was Luger. ''[Tunney is talking to Howard]'' What are they doing?
:'''Vince''': Jack Tunney discussing things with the officials. No one has left this building. We are awaiting the announcement.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, when Tunney sticks his nose in this, you never know what's gonna happen.
:'''Vince''': Well, Tunney has to make a decision here, and this must be the toughest decision he'll ever make.
:'''DiBiase''': I'm telling you, Luger won it.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[Howard stops and goes to Tunney]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, wait a minute...
:'''DiBiase''': They can't figure it out!
:'''Vince''': Give me a break. Who won this thing? I thought for sure it was Luger, but I'm not too sure after those replays. We saw a number of angles.
:'''DiBiase''': I think he oughta ring the bell and just let them beat each other to the ground. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
:'''Vince''': Well, the tension is building here at the Providence Civic Center! The tension is building here!
:'''DiBiase''': I'm telling ya, I think Luger won it.
:'''Vince''': Let's go back to another replay! ''[The screen shows another replay]'' This will be the one that will determine who won! Here we go! And...
:'''DiBiase''': It looks like it, you see?!? It's Luger! I'm telling ya, Luger's feet hit the ground first.
:'''Vince''': ''[Back live]'' Let's go back. Here we go.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[pauses for a moment, with Bret yelling, &quot;Come on! Speak up!&quot;, until finally...]'' the winners are Lex Luger and Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart!
:'''Vince''': ''[The &quot;WrestleMania&quot; theme plays]'' What?
:'''DiBiase''': Oh, no.
:'''Vince''': Well, Jack Tunney may have made the only decision that he could make after those replays certainly... It was most inconclusive from our vantage point. However...
:'''DiBiase''': But, McMahon...
:'''Vince''': The question remains...
:'''DiBiase''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': Who's gonna... Who will go to ''Wrestlemania'' and face the WWF Champion? Will Bret Hart get the nod from Jack Tunney? Will Lex Luger get the nod from Jack Tunney?

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1995)|1995]] ==

:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! Due to the inability of the official...
:'''Vince McMahon''': Put that chair down!
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]''... to maintain control of this contest, he has declared this match a draw!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Can you believe this? The Heartbreak Kid drew #1! Well, you can bet Shawn Michaels won't be going to WrestleMania as the #1 contender. Michaels fooled everybody on the Action Zone earlier on—Michaels acted like he was proud of his number. It's the luck of the draw, and Shawn Michaels very unlucky here tonight at the Royal Rumble, and Michaels better get all the glory he can right now. ''[As Shawn dances off his gear in the ring]'' Oh, please, give me a break.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Let me just tell you this, McMahon. He loves being the #1 draw because of what he's doing right now. It means that it's just all that much longer he gets to strut his stuff in front of {{w|Pamela Anderson}}. But don't get your hopes up, Shawn. She might accompany him to WrestleMania, but she'll be accompanying me tonight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on entry #5, {{w|Jimmy Del Ray}}]'' I like this guy. I like him.
:'''Vince''': You like him?
:'''Jerry''': Yes.
:'''Vince''': Well, is he gonna win the Rumble?
:'''Jerry''': I don't like him that much.
:'''Vince''': Who do... you don't like him that much.
:'''Jerry''': I told you I've already gone on record, I started... I did wanna change my prediction. I went on record as predicting Shawn Michaels, but when I saw he drew #1, I thought about changing it.
:'''Vince''': To whom? Who would you choose?
:'''Jerry''': I'll tell you later.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on #7, {{w|Tom Prichard}}]'' I love this guy.
:'''Vince''': You like him?
:'''Jerry''': Yes.
:'''Vince''': Is he gonna win the Royal Rumble?
:'''Jerry''': I don't like him that much either.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Is Dink in there?
:'''Vince''': Of course not. You would see him, wouldn't you?
:'''Jerry''': No, you can't see him. He gets lost in shag carpet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look at {{w|Luke Williams (wrestler)|Luke the Bushwhacker}}—he's heading back already, but he stayed longer than he was in in 1991. He only lasted 4.9 seconds then.
:'''Vince''': What, have you got a stopwatch on?
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, look at this. See Mickey's hand?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[#16 is Mo]'' Oh no. It's Mo.
:'''Vince''': It's {{w|Mo (wrestler)|Mo}} from Men on a Mission. ''[Mo enters the ring, charges {{w|King Kong Bundy}}, and gets backdropped over the top to the floor, getting eliminated]''
:'''Jerry''': WHOO HOO HOO! WHOO HOO HOO! Look at my watch! Mo was on a mission, wasn't he? He just broke Luke's record! Ha ha ha ha! What did he last? One second?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': One of these men that you're looking at right now, one of them, and only one, will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF Champion, whomever he may be, and being escorted by Pamela Anderson.
:'''Jerry''': Woo, yeah!
:'''Vince''': And she is impressed, unquestionably...
:'''Jerry''': Look, she waved at me! Wink at me, baby!
:'''Vince''': She wasn't winking at you.
:'''Jerry''': Yes, she was.
:'''Vince''': And you don't have a date with her either.
:'''Jerry''': She loves me. I do! I'm telling you I do. I'll tell you all about it, maybe.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Shawn Michaels and Crush, they're my picks...and Lex Luger.
:'''Vince''': Make up your mind. Only one man can win.
:'''Jerry''': Last year, two won.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, that was the first time that ever happened; I would suggest the ''only'' time it'll ever happen. Never again will two men go out at the same time, and have their feet touch the floor at the very same time with both feet. I don't think that'll ever happen.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I can't believe we're back where we started!
:'''Vince''': Never before have the first two individuals who have entered the Rumble lasted to the last two! And Michaels just... Can you believe that? Davey Boy kicked him back ''into'' the ring.
:'''Jerry''': You gotta keep your feet on the mat, Shawn.
:''[The British Bulldog presses Michaels above him and racks him on the top rope]
:'''Vince''': He's outta here, see ya! ''[Bulldog swings Michaels back into the ring]'' And again, though, Davey Boy, the momentum bringing Shawn Michaels back in...''[Bulldog clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, seemingly winning the Rumble]'' Forget about it! Forget about it! Michaels has been eliminated! Yes! Yes, it finally has happened! ''[Bulldog's music plays]'' It finally has happened! The British Bulldog will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF... ''[As Bulldog celebrates in the corner, Michaels nails him from behind, sending him over and onto the floor, winning the Rumble]'' Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry''': What's the deal?
:'''Vince''': Wait just a minute!
:'''Jerry''': My prediction is true! They're saying that Shawn Michaels has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''Vince''': Michaels was eliminated by the British Bulldog! Let's go to the announcer to clear it up.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has informed me that ''only one'' of Shawn Michaels' feet hit the floor.
:'''Vince''': What?
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' Therefore, the winner of the 1995 WWF Royal Rumble: The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
:'''Vince''': Wait a minute, we have a replay. We're told we have a replay. Shawn Michaels, ladies and gentlemen, has won this thing. I can't believe it. Let's go to the replay, let's take a look. ''[The slow-motion replay from the side shows the British Bulldog clotheslining Michaels out of the ring]'' Well, there it is, right there, the clothesline, he goes over. He's on the apron, he's hanging onto the ropes, and he's... he's... ''[Michaels holds onto the ropes, flailing his left leg from one side to the other, only allowing his right foot to touch the floor, which referees Tim White and Earl Hebner see]''
:'''Jerry''': One.
:'''Vince''': One foot, one foot.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Michaels finally rests his left leg on the ring, both referees call off the announcement. Michaels rolls back in]'' Look at that! Whoa, whoa!
:'''Vince''': One foot. One...foot!
:'''Jerry''': There it is! Two referees! Not one, but two referees.
:'''Vince''': All right, let's go back, ladies and gentlemen. There you have it! Shawn Michaels, being escorted by Pamela Anderson. And Pamela Anderson will lead Shawn Michaels into the ring at WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': She is almost as happy right now as she's gonna look with me later on. Look at her. Well, see? She's gonna have some explaining to do to me later on.
:'''Vince''': Shawn Michaels, ladies and gentlemen. But Pamela Anderson, she doesn't know what quite to make of Shawn Michaels, her boy toy. She wants to get out of there. Nonetheless, she will escort Shawn Michaels to WrestleMania, and Michaels will face the champion! Can you believe this? Michaels, the first man in, and the last man standing.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1996)|1996]] ==
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[after {{w|Goldust}} reverses a waistlock on {{w|Scott Hall|Razor Ramon}} and caresses him, who is instantly freaked out]'' I can't believe what I just saw.
:'''Vince McMahon''': That was a little different.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Maybe Goldust got what he wanted out of this match already.
:'''Vince''': Oh no, I think this man is cagey, very crafty
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Ten-yard penalty for illegal use of the hands.
:...
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Is he gonna check him for a hernia next?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Henry Godwinn has emptied a bucket of slop on everyone outside the ring]''
:'''Vince''': {{w|Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley}} covered in slop, Backlund covered in slop, here comes the King, he got some of it too.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': There's no place for that stinking slop! I think I'm at a Gallagher concert!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Will it be Yokozuna? Will it be the man they call {{w|Big Van Vader|Vader}}?
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I gotta stick with Vader.
:'''Vince''': And {{w|Savio Vega}} could very well win this thing.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I learned a lot time ago, McMahon, you never make a redhead mad.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[on entry #21, Aldo Montoya]'' He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[#24 is Steve Austin]'' He's the winner right there, McMahon. I pick him.
:'''Vince''': And there's a good look, ladies and gentlemen, at {{w|Stone Cold Steve Austin|Steve Austin}}, known as the Ringmaster, on his way. Another Corporate member of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, and you can bet he's definitely gonna make a difference.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Look at this guy, McMahon. The Ringmaster—close enough to perfect for me. He gets my vote right now. Look at the shape this guy's in, look at how aggressive he is, look at how good he looks, reminds me of me so much.
:'''Vince''': He is cold and calculating for sure.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[#25 is {{w|Barry Horowitz}}]'' It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Barry Horriblewitz.
:'''Vince''': Call him what you will. Barry Horowitz could very well win this thing—anyone can win.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': If a nerd ends up at WrestleMania and gets the World Wrestling Federation Champion, ''I'm'' getting back in the ring.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Almost anyone would do anything to win this year's Royal Rumble matchup.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': If Horowitz wins this match, I quit. You'll never see me again.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[as Diesel clotheslines {{w|Charles Wright (wrestler)|Kama}} out of the ring, eliminating him]'' It's gonna be Diesel, no doubt about it.
:'''Vince''': Kama eliminated! It's Diesel, it's Michaels...
:''[Shawn superkicks Diesel out of the ring, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Mr. Perfect''': NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! TWO YEARS IN A ROW! That's impossible, McMahon! Impossible!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1996 World Wrestling Federation Royal Rumble: &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels!
:'''Vince''': ''[over announcement]'' Shawn Michaels is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': How does he do that?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart has been disqualified...
:'''Vince''': Aw, come on.
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' ...as a result of outside interference by Diesel. Therefore, the winner of this match: the Undertaker!
:'''Vince''': Diesel coming in, blatantly interfering; the Undertaker wants the WWF Championship around his waist. ''[On Diesel]'' Look at that steely cold look on the face.
:'''Howard''': However, the World Wrestling Federation Championship can ''not'' change hands on a disqualification.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Oh, boy.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Diesel cracks a little smile]'' And no one knows that better than that man right there.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Yes, that look says it all.
:'''Vince''': It does, the Undertaker... ''[Diesel gives the Undertaker the finger]'' Wait, look what Diesel just did!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Oh, come on!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': The Undertaker had piledrived Bret Hart!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': He had him beat!
:'''Vince''': But you'll never know whether or not Bret would've been pinned by the Undertaker.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Of course he'd have been pinned!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|1997]] ==

:'''Goldust''': ''[to HHH]'' Come on, you piece of shit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I've been sitting here counting, I'm up to about 54. Why doesn't the referee count Goldust out?
:'''Jim Ross''': Why don't you ask these questions to Monsoon? He's in charge of the officials. We can't answer those questions, King.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Maybe it's because you would want to be assigned as a guest referee on occasion.
:'''Jim''': That'd be a good idea.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, you're right. I'd have already disqualified Goldust.
:'''Jim''': You'd be the {{w|Red Cashion}} of the WWF.
:'''Jerry''': What? Who?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as {{w|Ahmed Johnson}} scoops {{w|Brian Adams (wrestler)|Crush}} out of the ring]'' Taking it to Crush, and throwing him out. He's gone! Crush is gone!
:''[Crush lands on the edge and rolls back in]''
:'''Jerry''': Feet didn't hit, did they?
:'''Vince''': You're right.
:'''Jim''': That's why the referees are on the outside. No reason for them to be on the ''inside'' of the ring.
:'''Vince''': Both feet- ''[Johnson leaves the ring (going over the top rope and eliminating himself in the process) to attack {{w|Ron Simmons|Faarooq}}]'' wait a minute, wait a minute, Ahmed just eliminated himself! There's Faarooq! Ahmed going after Faarooq! Ahmed eliminated himself, and Crush is in the ring all alone!
:'''Jerry''': He ''is'' an idiot.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin eliminates Bart Gunn]'' The first time Bart held on, the second time he couldn't. And once again, Stone Cold Steve Austin is picking 'em off one at a time.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Austin, all by himself, does push-ups in the ring]'' Look at this. Please.
:'''Jim''': And he's telling us all he's in great shape. He's in fightin' shape.
:'''Vince''': He's in great condition, all right.
:'''Jim''': I'm sure he's been in a few barroom brawls.
:'''Vince''': ''[Austin now sits on the top corner]'' Look at this, patiently awaiting the next individual to come out. You talk about a man with a nasty temperament. ''[Austin looks at his wrist like a watch]'' Well, his watch is working as well as ours.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#13 is Owen Hart]'' Oh, no, it's Bret Hart's &quot;stinking rotten&quot; brother, as Bret would say...
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Vince''': ...Owen Hart.
:'''Jim''': You mean the whiner? He whines about everything.
:'''Jerry''': Listen to you guys, he's a Slammy Award winner!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as Bulldog attempts to eliminate Austin]'' Austin's going for the ride!
:'''Jerry''': Yes!
:''[As this happens, Owen eliminates the Bulldog, and Austin avoids hitting the floor himself]''
:'''Vince''': Hey, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': I think that was Owen who eliminated Bulldog.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Owen and Bulldog argue]'' Owen Hart trying to... the Bulldog is angry.
:'''Jim''': Bulldog just called Owen an idiot!
:'''Vince''': They're tag team partners, they're Tag Team Champions!
:'''Jim''': They're brother-in-laws!
:'''British Bulldog''': He flipped me out!
:'''Jerry''': So what, you whiner. It's every man for himself.
:'''Vince''': I understand that, although Owen was professing that it was an accident. He was...
:'''Jerry''': Probably was.
:'''Vince''': ...attempting to get Stone Cold Steve Austin out.
:'''Jim''': Owen hasn't told the truth since the King was a prince.
:'''Jerry''': Oh listen to you now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on #20, {{w|Road Dogg|&quot;Double J&quot; Jesse James}}]'' The guy's a promising young singer, I wish he'd promise to stop singing.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you gotta get credit where it's due. You may not like Stone Cold, you may not like his attitude, but Austin is a competitor.
:'''Jim''': While these 60,000+ fans I'm assuming appreciate Austin's intensity, they certainly do not appreciate his attitude.
:'''Vince''': Who will be next? Who will face Stone Cold Steve Austin in less than ten seconds?
:'''Jerry''': The quicker he can eliminate them, the more time he has to rest. ''[Time expires; #21 is Bret Hart. Austin is shocked at Bret's music.]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Vince''': YES! YES! YES!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Watch this. ''[Time expires, and Jerry Lawler's music plays, revealing that he is #22]'' Oh, yeah! Hey, McMahon, watch this, baby! 
:'''Vince''': I can't believe it! You ''are'' in it! 
:'''Jerry''': ''[removing his jacket and headset]'' I said it once, and I'll say it again—it takes a king!
:'''Vince''': Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler sneaking up behind the Hitman Bret Hart!
:''[Bret turns his attention from Austin to Jerry. Punches him twice, the second one sending Jerry flying over the top rope and onto the floor, eliminating him]''
:'''Jim''': I think we just saw a record broken! I think Lawler has just broken the record!
:'''Vince''': I think you just said it takes a king...
:'''Jerry''': ''[putting headset back on]'' To know a king, McMahon! I told you!
:'''Jim''': Told us what?
:'''Jerry''': It takes a king to know a king!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Bret Hart thought this morning, when I talked to him on ''Superstars'', that he shouldn't even have to ''be'' in this matchup, that he should've come into the Royal Rumble as the WWF Champion.
:'''Jerry''': He shouldn't have even ''been'' in this matchup!
:'''Jim''': That's what I just said.
:'''Jerry''': Not because he should be the champion, it's because he shouldn't even be in the WWF! He's a jerk!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': The Hitman is concentrating on Stone Cold. If it comes down to the Hitman and Stone Cold, I say it'll be the Hitman; if it comes down to {{w|Terry Funk}} and Vader, Vader.
:'''Vince''': Stone Cold Steve Austin has been in the ring for over forty minutes.
:'''Jerry''': If it comes down to Undertaker and anybody, Undertaker.
:'''Jim''': I'll tell you, I cannot imagine the fatigue, the exhaustion that must be riveting the body of Stone Cold Steve Austin after forty minutes of hell with these guys.
:'''Jerry''': I'm not even tired.
:'''Jim ''': You must have amnesia.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': {{w|Mick Foley|Mankind}} and Funk on the far side, they're just mauling each other.
:'''Jerry''': That's a shame. I think they're doing it 'cause they like it. I'd just like to see Mankind and Terry Funk as a team.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Good-bye Austin! ''[Bret has thrown Austin out, seemingly eliminating him. The referees fail to notice, distracted by Mankind and Terry Funk brawling]''
:'''Vince''': Austin's been eliminated! 
:'''Jim''': Austin... ''wait'' a minute... 
:'''Vince''': He was in there for 34 minutes!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin sneaks back into the ring]'' Well the referees didn't see it.
:'''Vince''': Austin has been eliminated. ''[Austin eliminates the Undertaker and Vader]'' Wait a minute, the Undertaker and Vader have both just been eliminated! ''[Bret eliminates {{w|Kane (wrestler)|&quot;Diesel&quot;}}]'' Diesel's been eliminated as well! And now it's over! ''[From behind, Austin throws out Bret, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, no! NO! ''[The bell sounds]''
:'''Jim''': Wait a minute here.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jerry''': He eliminated the Hitman! I didn't actually see Austin's feet hit the floor!
:'''Jim''': ''[As Austin leaves, Bret enters the rings berating the referees]'' Austin eliminated the Undertaker and Vader and Bret Hart, but Austin went out! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold and the referees didn't see it, and Bret Hart is not gonna stand for it!
:'''Jerry''': Maybe his feet didn't hit the floor, Ross.
:'''Jim''': I saw it! I was sitting right here, King! I didn't even see the monitors!
:'''Vince''': Imagine Bret Hart...imagine what's going on in his mind. Stone Cold was eliminated—we saw it, we called it—the officials were over there with Mankind and Terry Funk and didn't see it.
:'''Jim''': Bret Hart's obsession with winning the WWF Title is so evident! Bret cannot believe it! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold, and neither referee saw it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': You want to talk championships, you gotta be talking about the World Wrestling Federation championship, in a match that Bret Hart wishes that he was in and apparently it looks like it just won't happen. And you can hear everyone booing. A very unpopular decision, the way that Stone Cold Steve Austin &quot;won&quot; the Royal Rumble.
:'''Jim''': Well quite frankly, it was a...I don't wanna say it was a bad call. Both officials were on one side of the ring. That's bad officiating, folks! That's why we have two officials. The referees were out of position. Bret Hart's got a very legitimate gripe.
:'''Jerry''': Please stop whining! It's the referee's decision! The decision's been made and it's final. How many times have you watched a baseball game or a football game, and the replay shows something different from what the referee saw? It's over!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1998)|1998]] ==

:'''Road Dogg Jesse James''': Just like your precious {{w|San Francisco 49ers|49ers}}, your precious LOD is about to become a part of history as well. Steve Young will play a major role in the Super Bowl this year—he'll be the one telling his fat wife to fetch him another brewski.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look at the idiots that are in this ring right now: {{w|Terry Funk|Chainsaw}}, {{w|Charles Warrington|Mosh}}, {{w|Mick Foley|Cactus Jack}}. I feel like calling ''Unsolved Mysteries'' and saying, &quot;hey, I found everybody.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[#6 is {{w|Dennis Knight|Phineas Godwinn}}]'' He's 6'7&quot;, 300+ pounds, he's about a biscuit away from 315. It's Phineas Godwinn — living proof of what happens when first cousins marry.
:'''Jerry''': I'm gonna tell you something — we're fixin' to have five WWF Superstars in the ring and only one brain between them, and that's in the head of {{w|Dwayne Johnson|The Rock}}.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[#20 is Ahmed Johnson]'' Ahmed Johnson, I guess he's the only man to compete in the Royal Rumble wearing earrings.
:'''Jerry''': What a fashion statement. If he was a little smarter, he'd know how stupid that looks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Remember what's at stake: the opportunity to wrestle the WWF Champion at the biggest event in the industry, the biggest event of all time, [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XIV (1998)|WrestleMania XIV]] in Boston.
:'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' Right, and that rug has been yanked right out from under Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': If...that's the truth, that's gonna be a heartbreaker for the ol' rattlesnake.
:'''Jerry''': Brought it on himself. ''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entrant #24. Austin's music blares]'' What?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as all wrestlers stop fighting and look toward the entrance]'' Stone Cold...that's Austin's music. The action has stopped, everyone is awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Jerry''': Look out, he's from behind! ''[Austin comes in the ring from behind, attacks {{w|Marc Mero}} and eliminates him]''
:'''Jim''': Austin came from the crowd! There goes Mero! Stone Cold is like a man possessed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': We're getting right down to the nitty gritty. Who's #28? The luck of the draw has everything to do with his. ''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entrant #28: Dude Love]'' What?!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no!
:'''Jim''': I don't believe it!
:'''Jerry''': I don't wanna believe it!
:'''Jim''': Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple-header!
:'''Jerry''': Somebody knock his head off!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin stuns the Rock]'' Stone Cold Stunner! And the Rock... ''[Austin tosses the Rock out, winning the Rumble]'' ...IS GONE! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the 1998 Royal Rumble: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': Iron Mike Tyson on his feet cheering for Austin 3:16! Stone Cold will meet the WWF Champion at WrestleMania XIV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Kane and Paul Bearer have set the casket with the Undertaker inside on fire.]''
:'''Jim''': MY GOD!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!!! THAT CASKET IS ON FIRE!! THE UNDERTAKER IS IN THAT CASKET!!!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1999)|1999]] ==

:'''The Rock''': Now you tell the Rock, after the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, that you quit!
:'''Mankind''': Go to Hell, Rock!
:...
:'''The Rock''': Say you quit!
:'''Mankind''': You'll have to kill me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Michael Cole}}''': Only [[w:Shawn Michaels|one other man]] in the history of the Royal Rumble has gone from #1 to win it all—Stone Cold is gonna try to become #2. There is only one Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well that's true, but let me just tell you this. You like to talk about history, I venture to say there is only one WWF Superstar that is gonna be in this very ring tonight that has ''never'' ever lost a match in his life.
:'''Michael''': And who is that?
:'''Jerry''': That is Mr. McMahon.
:'''Michael''': Oh, please, he's never had one.
:'''Jerry''': He's never lost a match in his life! Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[on entrant #6: {{w|Gillberg (wrestler)|Gillberg}}]'' It's the man called Gillberg.
:'''Jerry''': He could win this whole thing.
:'''Michael''': King, you're not serious.
:'''Jerry''': Well, maybe not.
:'''Michael''': Gillberg is 0-2. Who will be #1? Who will be his first victim? He's spending more time posing in the walkway than he is getting in the ring.
:'''Jerry''': He's got chants.
:'''Michael''': ''[as Gillberg screams out at the crowd]'' Well, Gillberg now in the Royal Rumble match. And {{w|Edge (wrestler)|Edge}}...
:''[Edge, with very little effort, pushes Gillberg out, eliminating him]'' 
:'''Jerry''': Ah, Gillberg!
:'''Michael''': Oh, please. Gillberg is in and out. So I guess we can say that Gillberg is 0-3 now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': {{w|Droz (wrestler)|Droz}} and Edge have been in the ring a long time. The longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out; and the object is to go over the top rope and both feet hit the floor, and Tiger's in danger of having a quick exit.
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute, the longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out.
:'''Michael''': Yeah, the more tired you get.
:'''Jerry''': What about the man called Gillberg?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': First off, you picked {{w|Steve Blackman}} to win the Rumble match, he's been eliminated; you also picked {{w|Gangrel (wrestler)|Gangrel}} to win the Rumble match, you still have a chance to make a little money.
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know I picked Blackman. That damn Psychic Network lied to me.
:'''Michael''': Did they give you the tip on Gangrel as well? And here's Gangrel...
:'''Jerry''': I'll never listen to Dionne Warwick again. She's an idiot.
:'''Michael''': ...who almost won the European Championship match in a great match against X-Pac earlier tonight.
:'''Jerry''': I'm calling LaToya Jackson.
:'''Michael''': Gangrel on the ropes now. Road Dogg... ''[Road Dogg launches Gangrel out of the ring, eliminating him]'' ...sends Gangrel for the ride. Road Dogg is cleaning house! Hey, King. Hey, King. You're 0-2.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Rock is calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry''': Get him, Rock! Get him! ''[The Rock climbs up to the apron and the two fight]'' Here he goes. I knew it!
:'''Michael''': Here we go now! They're getting it on! ''[Seeing this, Mr. McMahon, with the help of the Rock...]'' Wait a minute!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Michael''': ''[...throws Austin out, winning the Rumble]'' Wait a minute! NO! NO! Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''Howard Finkel''': ''[Over Cole speaking]'' The winner of the 1999 Royal Rumble: Mr. McMahon!
:'''Jerry''': I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Michael''': Mr. McMahon has eliminated the Rattlesnake thanks to the Rock! Mr. McMahon will face the Rock at WrestleMania, and Austin is livid!
:'''Jerry''': ''[Austin and the Rock fight all the way to the backstage area]'' Look at this!
:'''Michael''': And Austin taking out his frustrations on the champion! Austin is beating the hell out of the champion!
:'''Jerry''': But right now, Michael Cole, it doesn't matter! This is, without a doubt, the greatest night in the history of the World Wrestling Federation!
:'''Michael''': Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble match! I never thought I'd ever hear myself say that! Somebody slap me in the face!
:'''Jerry''': Here!
:'''Michael''': Is this a dream?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shane McMahon''': Vince, you just won the Royal Rumble! YOU'RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': King, he didn't do it by himself; he had plenty of help. He sat here at ringside for most of the damn match!
:'''Jerry''': I don't care how he did it. He won the Royal Rumble!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2000)|2000]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': ''[as Triple H and Cactus Jack brawl in the audience during their Street Fight]'' Cactus Jack and Triple H are in a sea of humanity here!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Humanity? But this is New York City, J.R.!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[as {{w|Viscera (wrestler)|Viscera}} enters the Rumble, facing Rikishi]'' This is the old unstoppable meeting the immovable, and they're both unliftable.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Have you seen {{w|Matt Bloom|Albert's}} tongue? It's pierced, have you seen that?
:'''Jim''': I have not looked at his tongue or any other parts of his anatomy that closely, quite frankly.
:'''Jerry''': He told me that piercing didn't hurt, but then he showed me one that did.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Can we see that poor Chinese guy {{w|Taka Michinoku}} get thrown over the top rope again?
:'''Jim''': He's Japanese!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': {{w|Shoichi Funaki|Funaki's}} eliminated for about the eighth time tonight.
:'''Jerry''': At least he had a good view there for a second.
:'''Jim''': Funaki's been eliminated more times than any other Royal Rumble competitor.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Taka had to be taken to a hospital.
:'''Jerry''': Do they have some good Chinese hospitals in New York?
:'''Jim''': Will you stop that?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': My god, what a chokeslam! {{w|Big Show (wrestler)|The Big Show}} trying to break the Rock into pieces with a chokeslam!
:'''Jerry''': He told this crowd, he's telling the world, &quot;You WILL cheer for me!&quot; He said he has the Rock and he's going to win the Royal Rumble and the people will have to cheer him.
:'''Jim''': Nobody can go one-on-one, face-to-face, man-to-man, with the Big Show and survive. ''[Big Show picks Rock up as the crowd chants &quot;Rocky&quot;]'' The Rock just seconds away from being eliminated here! It's over now, King!
:'''Jerry''': Oh... good-bye Rock. I told you I was picking the Big Show.
:'''Jim''': The Big Show is toying with the Rock.
:'''Jerry''': He's picking his... picking his sides. ''[Big Show attempts to throw Rock out]'' There he goes!
:'''Jim''': ''[Suddenly the Rock grasps the top rope. The momentum carries the Big Show out. The Rock holds on to the top rope, winning the Rumble]'' OH THE BIG SHOW'S OVER!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?
:'''Jim''': THE ROCK! THE ROCK HAS WON THE RUMBLE!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT? How did THAT happen? How did the Rock do it?
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: the Rock!
:'''Jim''': How in God's name did THAT happen? It looked like the Big Show is gonna eliminate the Rock!
:'''Jerry''': I knew that the Rock would win! He's done it!
:'''Jim''': The Rock guaranteed a victory at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': He guaran-damn-teed it!
:'''Jim''': And the Rock has kept his word! He has done what he said he was gonna do!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2001)|2001]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on entry #5]'' I can't believe he actually did it. [[Drew Carey]] is actually coming out here.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Drew, don't do it, this is suicide!
:'''Jim''': One of the biggest stars in all of Hollywood, a man with a couple of weekly television shows, a guy that's gonna have his own pay-per-view on Saturday night.
:'''Jerry''': I'll tell you what. If Drew lives through this, he deserves to have everybody watch his pay-per-view on Saturday night
:'''Jim''': If I was Drew, I'd just hang around and sign some autographs.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, pretty good idea; Drew, don't hurry, don't rush anything.
:'''Jim''': Listen to the crowd chanting for Drew Carey. You never know what's gonna happen in the WWF, and by golly, ''[ {{w|Jeff Hardy}} clotheslines {{w|Matt Hardy}} over the top onto the apron]'' you never know what's gonna happen in the Royal Rumble, as Matt Hardy almost got eliminated there.
:'''Jerry''': Come on, ref, get Drew in the ring so I can see how he can handle himself against the Hardys.
:'''Jim''': ''[chuckling]'' You're sadistic.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Drew enters the ring]'' I'd like to see Drew do...try a hurricanrana, Drew! Uh-oh, he's in the ring.
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey in the ring now.
:'''Jerry''': Dropkick, Drew!
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey encouraged in this by Mr. McMahon, and I think...
:'''Jerry''': Wait, take your glasses off, you're not a Dudley!
:'''Jim''': I still think Mr. McMahon, the ol' head of jealousy...''[noticing the Hardys fighting in the outside corner]'' oh my God, look at the Hardys. They just get higher and higher, and the risk factor...''[The Hardys fall to the floor, eliminating each other]'' Matt Hardy eliminated his brother, and Jeff pulled on his shirt that was around his waist...
:'''Jerry''': ''[on Drew looking over the ropes]'' Wait, Drew's done it! Do you realize if this was over, Drew would be going to WrestleMania?!
:'''Jim''': Oh God, I shudder to think that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Kane is about to become famous. He's gonna be on the news, he's gonna be on the front page of the New York Post!
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey's asking for assistance. I hope he's got good insurance with the Screen Actors Guild.
:'''Jerry''': I can see it now. ''Access Hollywood'', ''Entertainment Tonight'', the E! Network. Look at Drew, he's calling for the Hardys to come back.
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey has been left all alone at the Royal Rumble. He's all by himself, and the Big Red Machine is a carnivore! 
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, I don't think Drew really understands what he's gotten into here tonight.
:'''Jim''': The Big Red Machine's a carnivore, and Drew Carey's a big ol' pork chop. Drew's starting to sweat Crisco.
:'''Jerry''': Hey, Drew? What do you think his blood type is? Ragu?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Kane converges on Grandmaster Sexay with the trash can]'' Ooh my god, Kane's now got a trash can.
:'''Jerry''': LOOK OUT!
:'''Jim''': ''[Kane hits Sexay with the trash can so hard he goes flying over the top rope]'' Oh, Grandmaster, ''[Kane hits Steve Blackman]'' has been knocked over the top by Kane! ''[Kane then hits Perry Saturn, then Al Snow with the trash can.]]'' The Big Red Machine... ''[Kane next hits Raven]'' ...has gone CRAZY here!
:'''Jerry''': He's on a rampage now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[after Bradshaw attacks Val Venis, saving the Rock from elimination]'' Bradshaw should've helped Val, in my estimation.
:'''Jerry''': Nah, nobody wants to help Val or any member of the Right to Censor.
:'''Jim''': Yeah, you make a good point.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': How much left can these two men have in their bodies? Austin's got the steel chair!
:'''Jerry''': Look at Kane! He's a monster! He's already up!
:'''Jim''': My God, Kane is up! Oh God, Kane is up!
:'''Jerry''': Austin, you're not a monster!
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane in the head with the steel chair]'' What a shot!
:'''Jerry''': ACK! He didn't even knock him off his feet. 
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane again]'' GOD ALMIGHTY!
:'''Jerry''': WHOA!
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane again]'' A shot to the skull! Austin's going to dump him!
:''[Austin bounces off the ropes and clotheslines Kane out, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jerry''': NO! OH!
:'''Jim''': KANE IS OUT! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jerry''': ''[over announcement]'' I knew he could do it!
:'''Jim''': STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! 
:'''Jerry''': I knew the Rattlesnake could win this thing! Unbelievable! 
:'''Jim''': THE BATTERED AND BLOODY RATTLESNAKE HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY BACK - HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY THROUGH HELL ITSELF TO GO TO WRESTLEMANIA!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2002)|2002]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': Fans chanting, &quot;we want Head,&quot; at Al Snow. Al Snow and his former mannequin head.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I'll get in on that chant, but not at Al Snow.
:'''Jim''': Would you behave?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[The Undertaker stands alone in the ring, having thrown out four men]'' You don't need RE/MAX or Century 21 to tell you whose yard this belongs to, and I don't think it's for sale.
:'''Jerry''': You know what, JR? There's only one thing I wouldn't wanna be.
:'''Jim''': What's that, King?
:'''Jerry''': Next.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Matt Hardy could certainly use some help out here, couldn't he?
:'''Jim''': Yeah, he ain't likely to get it. It's every man for himself. ''[Time expires. Entry #10 is Jeff Hardy]'' But maybe so, King!
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': Here comes Jeff Hardy! 
:'''Jerry''': Now wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': Undertaker about to suplex Matt to the outside, Jeff Hardy blocked that, and now both the Hardys...
:'''Jerry''': I got a question—who picked these numbers?
:'''Jim''': They were drawn randomly. The numbers are drawn randomly ''[Lita jumps into the ring and joins the Undertaker beatdown]'' The Hardys and Lita getting some retribution for their near-career-ending injuries!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Lita is pulled out]'' They let her out there and she doesn't have a number?
:'''Jim''': ''[off the Hardys embrace]'' Look at the reunion of the Hardys! They're back on the same page! Lita's on the same page!
:'''Jerry''': No, Lita's ''off'' the page!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': And Maven! ''[He kicks the Undertaker, who is being distracted by the Hardy Boys who he has just eliminated, in the back. The momentum carries the Undertaker over the top rope and eliminates him]'' OH MY GOD! MY GOD! MAVEN FROM [[w:WWE Tough Enough#Tough Enough|''TOUGH ENOUGH'']] JUST ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!!!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?! WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': MY GOD, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Now that is... that is the biggest shocker I've ever seen at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': You heard me right!
:'''Jerry''': Let me do it again. WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': Maven just eliminated the Undertaker, and Maven cannot believe it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[after an eliminated Austin nails Kurt Angle, Mr. Perfect, and Triple H with a chair]'' Austin may have been eliminated, King, but he's made his mark indelibly on the head of his three adversaries!
:'''Jerry''': He is the meanest, maddest snake you'll ever lay eyes on! You don't trust anybody, especially that snake right there!
:'''Jim''': The Bionic Redneck is pissed, you can count on that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Angle in trouble! Angle in trouble! 
:'''Jerry''': No, Kurt! NO! ''[Triple H clotheslines Angle out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' 
:'''Jim''': IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE GAME! THE GAME!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Your winner of the Royal Rumble match: Triple H!
:'''Jim''': He went through eight months of hell just to make it back, but many said he'd never make it! And now Triple H is going to WrestleMania! Triple H is going to meet the Undisputed WWF Champion at WrestleMania!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2003)|2003]] ==

:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that Team Angle has been ejected from this contest!
:'''Tazz''': Wait a minute, that ain't...if that's true, that ain't cool, that ain't right!
:'''Michael''': What do you mean, it's not right?
:'''Tazz''': ''[stammering]'' Well, I...maybe it is right. I don't know, I thought Team Angle was out here to learn and...observe from Kurt Angle.
:'''Michael''': Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will be a classic match-up. There is no need for Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas to be involved. I believe Kurt Angle, Tazz, deep down inside realizes that he cannot beat Chris Benoit. He brought Benjamin and Haas in here as an insurance policy—that insurance policy has been sent to the back.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[after Chris Jericho nails Shawn Michaels with a chair]'' Jericho admitted he always admired and emulated Shawn Michaels, but you'd never know it from that vile chair shot!
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know if Jericho respects anybody or anything!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Poor HBK caught off guard right from the get-go with the help, of course, from Christian and that phony entrance there; Jericho shows up from behind, low blow... ''[Jericho tosses Michaels onto the floor, eliminating him]'' ...and ousts Shawn Michaels!
:'''Jim''': Shawn Michaels eliminated by Chris Jericho! Shawn Michaels, battered and bloody, a low blow, a chair shot, the distraction, all combined to eliminate Shawn Michaels. I tell you what, I would not have called that in a million years.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|John Cena}}''': Yo, Yo, Yo!!! Thuganomics Style!
:Naw, naw, Put down your tea potties, get away from your John Hancocks
:I'm rockin this Thuganomics style
:Yo, besides open mics, one thing that gets me boiled
:Is an old school 30-man battle royal
:I'm-a win this, I'm-a make my impression
:Show Vinnie Mac that I got ruthless aggression
:The odds were even until you chose me
:Now it's 29 dudes and one ruthless MC
:Yo, it doesn't matter, kid, 'cause I'll rip your nose off
:I could batter you naked with no clothes on
:Kid, what you talkin' 'bout. Three reasons I'm-a win this
:Reason #1—I cut you up like cucumbers
:Reason #2 that you care to protest
:I'll be chokin' you like Sprewell be chokin' coaches
:Reason #3's hard for me to explain to ya
:But I'm-a win tonight and go on to WrestleMania
:The Royal Rumble's just another test I got to pass
:Y'all dudes are like a kid with one leg—you half-assed
:Yo, what you talkin' 'bout, kid. You can't touch this
:Throw the double clutches if you're down with untouches
:Yo it's my year, I suggest you take the year off.
:I'm sick like Tyson was when he bit Holyfield's ear off.
:It doesn't matter, kid. Yo, you should stop defeat me
:My style's like a swollen penis, you can't beat me.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, do you like the rap, JR?
:'''Jim''': Ninety seconds of...what the hell'd he say? Word to your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Cena's an amazing young athletic prospect on SmackDown. He's a future main event player, and you're in the main event at WrestleMania if you can win the Royal Rumble match. Cena's got his whole career ahead of him—a great young prospect, but he rapped for damn near ninety seconds.
:'''Jerry''': So what's wrong with that? He's still in the Royal Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Undertaker is staring back at an already-eliminated Batista, who he just hit with a steel chair]''
:'''Jim''': And {{w|Brock Lesnar}}...
:'''Jerry''': HEY!
:'''Jim''': LESNAR! ''[Lesnar throws out Undertaker, winning the Rumble]'' And OH YES! BROCK LESNAR'S WON THE RUMBLE! BROCK LESNAR HAS ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble match, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Jerry''': Look at the Undertaker. Yeah, he got you. He got you, Undertaker.
:'''Jim''': Brock Lesnar is now in the main event at WrestleMania! The Road to WrestleMania has begun here at the Royal Rumble!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[Undertaker reenters the ring after Brock Lesnar's win]'' Wait a minute. What's gonna happen here?
:'''Jim''': This could be another explosion.
:'''Jerry''': No, I think the Undertaker's saying...that's twice you got me. But next time you got a title, he wants a shot.
:'''Jim''': I think that's exactly what the Undertaker said: if you become the Champion again, give me my opportunity. And Brock Lesnar will give the Undertaker that opportunity.
:'''Jerry''': Undertaker had delivered that chair shot on Batista, but he took his mind off Brock Lesnar, just for a split second.
:'''Jim''': This is gonna kill Paul Heyman.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2004)|2004]] ==

:'''Batista''': Hey, Dudleys! What is it with you guys and championship matches? I mean, we whipped your ass at ''Armageddon'', we kicked your asses all over ''Raw'', we're about to beat your asses again tonight! I mean, you guys are the biggest three-time losers since the Philadelphia Eagles!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, as both men were unable to answer at the count of ten, the referee has declared that Triple H is still the World Heavyweight Champion!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': Randy Orton needs to make hay while the sun is shining, so to speak.
:'''Tazz''': What the hell does that mean, JR? I'm from Brooklyn.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tazz''': ''[after Ernest &quot;The Cat Miller is eliminated, having spent his entire stay dancing in the ring to &quot;Somebody Call My Mama&quot;]'' Good, enough of the dancing. I'm sick of the dancing.
:'''Jim''': Well, we're back down to where we started. We'll continue the wrestling portion of the Royal Rumble match.
:'''Tazz''': Somebody better call his mama. Call him a taxi to the hotel.
:'''Jim''': Cat's got plenty of time to call his mama.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Cena notices Nunzio laying low by the barrier]'' I think Nunzio's tenure in the Witness Protection Program has just come to an abrupt end.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Benoit, on the apron, has a headlock on the Big Show]'' Benoit's a-holding, and holding, he's holding! ''[Benoit takes the Big Show off his feet and slowly, but surely, tips him over the top rope]'' The Big Show's teetering! The Big Show's teetering! Can Benoit--
:'''Tazz''': Oh my God! Oh my God! He's gonna go! JR!
:'''Jim''': THE BIG SHOW-
:'''Tazz''': Can he do it? Hang on, Show!
:'''Jim''': SHOW IS TEETERING!
:'''Tazz''': Hang on, Show!
:'''Jim''': BENOIT'S HOLDING ON!
:'''Tazz''': ''[Benoit finally throws Big Show out, winning the Rumble]'' WOWWWWWWWWW!
:'''Jim''': YES! BENOIT!!! BENOIT HAS DONE IT!
:'''Howard''': Here is your winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble match: Chris Benoit!
:'''Tazz''': Benoit's going to WrestleMania, JR, and he's getting a title shot.
:'''Jim''': Chris Benoit, for over one hour of hell, has won the Royal Rumble match before 17,289 fans! And yes, Chris Benoit's dream to headline WrestleMania has come true!
:'''Tazz''': Chris Benoit has worked has ass off for 19 years, and the day has come!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2005)|2005]] ==

:''[Batista walks into the room to draw his number for the Royal Rumble]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What the hell kind of championship match do you call that, where you have a hundred people interfering?
:'''Theodore Long''': What are ''you'' talking about? Like your World Championship match isn't gonna have a ton of interference. Everyone knows that Evolution's gonna get involved. Batista...you can even ask him; he can tell you that.
:'''Eric''': Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...
:'''Batista''': ''[having drawn]'' I just came here to get my number.
:'''Eric''': What I'm gonna do...
:'''Theodore''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Eric''': ''Raw's'' Championship match—Evolution is banned from ringside.
:'''Theodore''': Really?
:'''Batista''': Is that right?
:'''Eric''': That's right, Batista, and my decision is final. The only question is, do you wanna tell Triple H, or would you like me to?
:'''Batista''': ''[thinking about it, then smiling]'' No, I'll tell him.
:'''Theodore''': ''[to Eric, as Batista leaves]'' You know something? For once, you've done something right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': If [[w:Amy Weber|Amy]] looks good sober, can you imagine what she's gonna look like after this bottle?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Theodore''': What's gonna happen at ''No Way Out'', you will face the man that you did not pin tonight—The Big Show.
:'''JBL''': What's he gonna do, eat me? What's he gonna do? I don't care if he's from the Jurassic Age, the Triassic Age or the Chevy Classic Age; I'm gonna beat the Big Show like he's gonna eat a pizza!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Teddy Long has resolved the situation over Eddie Guerrero stealing Ric Flair's number in the Rumble]''
:'''Theodore Long''': Just a minute.
:'''Eddie Guerrero''': What? ''[Long offers hand. Eddie shakes] Olare'', Holmes you know I love you man. I gotta get me some skin -
:'''Theodore''': Eddie, ''[stops him]'' Eddie!! ''[still extends hand]'' Give it up, dawg. ''[Eddie gives Long a wallet. It turns out to be Flair's]''
:'''Ric Flair''': ''[as Teddy gives back his wallet]'' What?!! My wallet? My wallet! ''[tries to rush Eddie but Long restrains him]'' That wallet thief's over there!! You call him when I get there.
:'''Theodore''': Sorry about the confusion. ''[leaves]''
:'''HHH''': You better run. It's Evolution's night! We're gonna show everybody it's our night!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': Severe weather alert: [[w:Gregory Helms|The Hurricane]] has passed through.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[on entry #14: Muhammad Hassan]'' Unfortunately, this man is from ''Raw''.
:'''Tazz''': You proud of this guy, JR?
:'''Jim''': I am not.
:'''Tazz''': You can keep him on ''Raw'', I'll tell you that right now.
:'''Jim''': I'll make you a trade.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': What the hell is Simon Dean doing?
:'''Tazz''': I have no idea. Your ''Raw'' guys are...I don't know what the hell they're doing playing games, with all respect.
:'''Jim''': He's as goofy as a pet coon, I can tell you that right now. Look at him. He's warming up. He had all damn day to warm up! Get in the ring, you idiot! Mysterio taking out Eddie Guerrero face-first.
:'''Tazz''': ''[laughing]'' Dude's doing Hindu squats outside of the ring. ''[Edge eliminates Eddie Guerrero]'' Oh, damn it to Hell! You gotta be kidding.
:'''Jim''': Eddie Guerrero eliminated. Edge eliminating Eddie Guerrero.
:'''Tazz''': That's your fault! That's ''Raw's'' fault, because this guy on the outside's doing squats and he distracted Guerrero!
:...
:'''Jim''': ''[as Simon Dean gets in the ring]'' I hope somebody eliminates Simon Dean, like, immediately. Right now.
:'''Tazz''': Me too.
:'''Jim''': [[w:Jack Doan|John Doan]] could've eliminated him for all I care!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tazz''': ''[on entry #21: Jonathan Coachman]'' Tell me, JR, that he deserves to be in the Rumble.
:'''Jim''': I can't.
:'''Tazz''': Well, look at the arms on him. Last time I saw arms like that, they were hanging out of a nest. Give me a break, this guy's not a superstar.
:'''Jim''': Don't get mad at me about it, I didn't put him in.
:'''Tazz''': I'm mad at everybody!
:'''Jim''': Bischoff put him in.
:'''Tazz''': That's true.
:'''Jim''': Look at Coach taking his time. He's got...just so you know who he is, you ever wonder, just look at his ass—it's got &quot;Coach&quot; written all over it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Batista hoists Cena up]'' Can you say Batista Bomb?
:'''Tazz''': No, no, no!
:''[Cena shifts his weight so Batista backs into the ropes, the momentum sending both over the top rope and onto the floor]''
:'''Jim''': My God, they both went out!
:'''Tazz''': Wait, I don't know what I want. ''[Both sets of referees debate]'' Wait, who touched first?
:''[Jack Doan raises Batista's hand]''
:'''Jim''': Batista wins it!
:'''Tazz''': What?! No, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': Jack Doan is calling...Referee Jack Doan has raised Batista's hand. ''[Batista rolls back into the ring, followed by Cena and referee Jim Korderas]'' Both men went over the top rope, both men's feet obviously touched the floor.
:'''Tazz''': Wait, hold on, JR, I think...''[Korderas raises Cena's hand]'' No, ''Cena'' won! ''[Back-and-forth, the Raw referees raise Batista's hand, and the SmackDown refs Cena's]'' No, no, no, no, no...
:'''Jim''': Two ''Raw'' referees hold Batista's hand up...
:'''Tazz''': What the Hell?!?
:'''Jim''': We've got a major malfunction in the junction here. We've got two winners of the Royal Rumble, or do we?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, per order of the chairman, Mr. McMahon, he has ordered that this match be restarted!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Batista from ''Raw'' overpowering John Cena...
:'''Tazz''': No, no, no, no ''[Batista throws Cena out, finally winning the Rumble]'' NO!
:'''Jim''': Batista beats Cena! Batista, the exclamation point, is on the sentence!
:'''Howard''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match: Batista!
:'''Jim''': It was not without controversy, but by God, we know now who's going to the main event at WrestleMania, Tazz!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2006)|2006]] ==

:'''Triple H''': ''[as the numbers are being mixed]'' You see the problem with the whole living in the fantasy world, talking about destiny. I live in reality.
:'''Randy Orton''': Reality, huh?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah, I live in reality world. Realities like...me beating you for a title, or realities of you not standing a chance tonight. I'm gonna win the Royal Rumble. Torrie, would you mind opening your box for me. ''[Torrie opens the bin and Triple H reaches in to draw a number. He pulls out a ball, Candice taps it with her wand.]'' Would you hold my ball? ''[Candice takes the empty ball and Triple H unfolds the paper containing the number]'' Kid, read 'em and weep.
:''[Triple H looks and his jaw drops]''
:'''Orton''': ''[laughing]'' Whoa, bro. Reality? Let me tell you what your reality is—you're screwed. You are screwed, man; tough luck. I'll see you out there...or maybe not.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joey Styles''': Mickie James is obsessed with Trish. She's her #1 fan, she's obsessed with Trish, and time and time again she's attacked Ashley just because...well, for no reason, quite frankly. Just because when anyone gets near Trish, Mickie James goes crazy.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well, who wouldn't go crazy when you get near Trish?
:'''Joey''': Oh, you know what I mean.
:'''Jerry''': I would love to be that striped shirt that Trish is wearing. Can you imagine being ''that'' close to Trish?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I can usually read a woman like a book—I prefer the Braille edition—but Mickie James, I can't get a read on her at all.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Rey Mysterio drew #2, looked up in the skies, the heavens, and said, &quot;Eddie, you got me.&quot; Maybe Eddie just wanted to watch Rey for a long time tonight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;	
:''[Randy Orton is about to throw Mysterio out]''	
:'''Michael Cole''': And this is a damn shame that Triple H had to end Rey Mysterio's hopes this way.
:'''Jerry''': Well, this just shows you how...	
:'''Michael''': Orton parading around with Mysterio. ''[Mysterio grasps the top rope]'' And Rey! Rey hanging on to the top rope!	
:'''Jerry''': Rey hanging on for dear life here. ''[Suddenly Rey turns around, puts his legs between Orton's head...]'' Whoa, whoa!
:'''Michael''': And Mysterio! ''[...and does a hurricanrana, throwing Orton out and winning the Rumble]'' HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
:'''Jerry''': No way!
:'''Michael''': REY MYSTERIO DID IT!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Rey Mysterio!
:'''Michael''': REY MYSTERIO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Jerry''': Latino Heat is alive and well! Look at this!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Rey Mysterio dedicated this match-up to Eddie Guerrero, he went for over an hour with the Eddie Guerrero logo on his wrestling tights, and Rey Mysterio has won the 2006 Royal Rumble match!
:'''Jerry''': Well, without a doubt the biggest win in Rey Mysterio's career, but it could lead to an even bigger win at WrestleMania.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2007)|2007]] ==

:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Was that a scream of joy from Melina?
:'''Jim Ross''': I haven't made a lot of women scream, so I can't tell you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': It's been well-documented, JBL, that when Mr. Kennedy can target a body part, he will be relentless and rabid on the assault throughout the match-up, and that's what he's doing here.
:'''[[w:John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield]]''': Just what I said. Just exactly what I said! I'm sitting out here with a damn parrot!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Somebody call the San Antonio sheriff because Kennedy was robbed tonight!
:'''Michael''': Kennedy wasn't robbed. He was beaten by a game champion, by the World Heavyweight Champion, the Animal Batista.
:'''JBL''': No, he was beaten 'cause Nick Patrick had his head up his ass and laid down...ignored a World Championship count!
:'''Michael''': I guess you didn't see the low blow.
:'''JBL''': I saw the low blow! So what? You get hit in the mouth, you get hit low, that's what happens in World Championships! Kennedy, after a year of beating six World Champions, had a shot with the lights on bright, he danced his ass off, and he deserves to be walking out with that gold right now, going to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': The hard thing about the Rumble—and you know this, King—is you're out there, you're tired, you're trying to eliminate people, and all of the sudden, someone fresh comes out there and comes after you.
:'''Michael''': You guys know all about, being well, in Rumbles for a long time. JBL, you lasted 40 minutes in one Rumble; King, you lasted over 36 minutes in another.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, but I hid for 30 minutes under the ring.
:'''Michael''': Well, you stole the punchline from JBL.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on CM Punk]'' They say he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs; I call that boring, But that's okay, he's real talented.
:'''Michael''': But he's a hell of an athlete...
:'''JBL''': He's a great athlete. Obviously doesn't have much of a social life.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': King Booker claiming he never got his one-on-one rematch with Batista...
:'''JBL''': &quot;Claiming&quot;?! He never got his one-on-one rematch! That guy right there got robbed of the World Championship. He should be the one fighting Batista, not having to come out here in the Royal Rumble, but what he has the opportunity to do—''[as Booker eliminates Gregory Helms]'' Goodbye, Gregory Helms, see you later!—what he has the opportunity to do is add one more accolade to a Hall of Fame career!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': And the Hardys, who have a long history with Edge, going to work on Rated-RKO.
:'''JBL''': Well, they stole all their girlfriends.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[King Booker eliminates Kane, even though Kane already eliminated him]'' It's legal to bring a Singapore cane in there, it's legal to bring a chair in there, it's legal to come back in and you can do it! 
:'''Michael''': So...so, does that mean Kane's eliminated?
:'''JBL''': Kane is eliminated, he's over the top rope, Kane is out!
:'''Michael''': This is ridiculous!
:'''JBL''': It's not ridiculous, it's fact, Michael! It is what it is!
:'''Jerry''' It's the Royal Rumble!
:''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entry #19: Viscera]''
:'''Michael''': Uh-oh!
:'''JBL''': Here comes Visagra.
:'''Jerry''': But I don't think he's bringing any ''love'' to the Royal Rumble.
:'''Michael''': Booker and Kane are still going at it here at ringside! Booker incensed that the Big Red Machine eliminated him...
:'''JBL''': How the hell could he ''not'' be incensed? He should have never had to been in the Royal Rumble anyway!
:'''Michael''': Oh, come on, John, call the damn match!
:'''JBL''': Takes a cheap shot at him and throws him out!
:'''Michael''': That's part of the match and you know it!
:'''JBL''': He should've had...he should not have had to been in the Royal Rumble, Michael! I'm begging you to be unbiased!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Is there anybody in there capable of lifting Viscera over the top rope?
:'''Michael''': Like I said before, seven men it took in Viscera's [[w:Royal Rumble (1994)|debut]].
:'''JBL''': I don't know how many men Viscera's gonna ''eat''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': JBL, did Michael Cole just compare Rob Van Dam to Gumby?
:'''Michael''': I said he was Gumby-''like''.
:'''JBL''': Disgusting. I deal with this every week.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': CM Punk is a popular young star. He's got a huge future ahead of him, whether he wins this Royal Rumble or not.
:'''JBL''': Needs to start drinking though.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Here comes {{w|The Miz|Miz}}, at #29.
:'''Jerry''': Miz!
:'''JBL''': Don't worry, King, I hate him too.
:'''Michael''': And Miz... ''[The Great Khali picks Miz up and tosses him out of the ring, eliminating him]'' Well, he may have set a record.
:'''JBL''': The Warlord had the record at three seconds—did Miz just beat it?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[The Great Khali has eliminated seven men, and four lie in the ring]'' The power, the strength, who can stop the Great Khali?!
:'''JBL''': Absolutely nobody.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as the buzzer sounds for entry #30]'' I'd have second thoughts about coming out...
:''[Funeral bell sounds, meaning only one man...]''
:'''JBL''': Here we go!
:'''Michael''': Maybe there ''is'' someone! Maybe there is someone! The legendary Phenom, the Undertaker!
:'''JBL''': But nobody has come in at #30 and won the Royal Rumble ever.
:'''Michael''': It's never happened, but Undertaker has faced, he has battled, he has taken out Khali before.
:'''JBL''': The roof is about to blow off this place!
:'''Jerry''': It doesn't get any better than this!
:'''JBL''': Throw some gasoline on the fire! My God, I love it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Who would believe that the 20th Royal Rumble, the most star-studded, is quite frankly the best of them all?!
:'''Jerry''': JBL, right now, who do you think? Who's got the most gas left in the tank?
:'''JBL''': ''[as Shawn prepares to superkick the Undertaker]'' This is how Shawn Michaels eliminated Diesel! Here we go!
:'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels eliminated Edge like that! ''[Undertaker catches him]'' Went for Sweet Chin Music! Got caught! ''[Undertaker picks him up, and throws him out, winning the Rumble]'' And Undertaker has eliminated Shawn Michaels! Undertaker is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble: The Undertaker!
:'''Michael''': For the first time in his illustrious career, the Undertaker has won the Royal Rumble match!
:'''JBL''': Going to WrestleMania, the main event. The Undertaker, 14-0 in WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': You wanna go to the top of the mountain? Get this tape and watch it over and over and over again because that is the best in the business and how they fight!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': (after Undertaker wins the Royal Rumble) Get ready, WrestleMania! The Deadman's coming!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2008)|2008]] ==

:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, from the mecca of sports and entertainment, Madison Square Garden, New York City, this is the moment the world has been waiting for: the 2008 Royal Rumble! The rules are as follows: the superstars who drew #1 and #2 will start. Once the match begins, another superstar will enter every 90 seconds based upon the number drawn earlier tonight. This will continue until all 30 superstars have entered the ring. The only way to be eliminated is to be thrown over the top rope with both feet hitting the ground. The last man in the ring will be declared the 2008 Royal Rumble winner. And along with his triumphant place in history, he will be awarded a championship match at WrestleMania XXIV!
:And now, the time has arrived. 30 superstars shall enter this ring, but only one will be victorious. Are you ready?! ''[The crowd cheers]'' Madison Square Garden, New York City, USA, are...you... ''[drawing it out] ready?!'' ''[Another cheer]'' For the sold-out, standing room only thousands in attendance here at the Garden and the millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen...''LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joey Styles''': How would you like to share a subway car with Snitsky at about midnight?
:'''Jim Ross''': I wouldn't want to share a Subway ''sandwich'' with Snitsky at midnight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Buzzer sounds for #30. The music plays and doors open for...]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Jim''': Wait a minute. What the hell?!
:'''Tazz''': What is this?!
:'''Jim''': IT'S JOHN CENA! JOHN CENA, #30!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh!
:'''Joey''': This is unbelievable!
:'''Tazz''': You gotta be kiddin' me!
:'''Joey''': Oh, my God!
:'''Michael Cole''': Triple H's expression told the entire story!
:'''Jim''': The roof is exploding off of Madison Square Garden! John Cena, the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble match! And yes indeed, business just picked up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': These men, somehow, someway, are able to stand, and it's the Game who rises first. ''[Triple H hoists John Cena on his shoulders and attempts to throw him out, but Cena holds on to the bottom rope]'' Cena! Cena now in a precarious position! Cena holding on to the top rope, but the Game, so strong, so powerful, with the heart and the soul to headline WrestleMania! ''[Cena gets off Triple H's shoulders and attempts to FU him]'' And Cena counters!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa! WHOA!
:'''Jim''': But not for long, Cena countered! ''[Triple H attempts the Pedigree, but Cena counters and hoists Triple H on his shoulders]'' The counter... OH, A SHOW OF STRENGTH! ''[Cena FU's Triple H over the top rope, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jerry''': WHOA!
:'''Jim''': CENA WITH A FU, AND CENA DOES IT!
:'''Jerry''': WHOA-OH-OH!
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Royal Rumble winner is JOHN CENA!
:'''Jim''': When we started this historic night, the last man I thought that would headline WrestleMania would be John Cena because I didn't think John Cena was physically able to return to combat in the WWE! And, my, my, how wrong I was!
:'''Jerry''': Not only did John Cena return, he has prevailed! Unbelievable!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2009)|2009]]==
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[as Jeff Hardy starts to climb to the top turnbuckle]'': Jeff Hardy, willing himself! ''[suddenly Vickie Guerrero appears and tries to pull Jeff down]'' Jeff Hardy living extreme-
:'''Tazz''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, wh-
:'''Jim''': And there's Vi-
:'''Tazz''': Vickie Guerrero!
:'''Jim''': The general manager! ''[Jeff kicks Vickie off of him]'' Our general manager-
:'''Tazz''': There's no disqualification.
:'''Jim''': Here to intervene!
:'''Tazz''' ''[as Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb on Edge, who is down]'' Jeff Hardy!
:'''Jim''': Swanton Bomb! And that should do it!
:'''Tazz''': Can Jeff capitalize? Can Jeff sow it in for the cover?
:'''Jim''': Edge, down. Edge not moving. 
:''' Tazz''' ''[as the referee starts the 3-count]'' Got him, got him!-
:''[Vickie then grabs the referee to stop the count]''
:'''Jim''': Aw, come on!
:'''Tazz''': Wow.
:'''Jim''' ''[as Vickie is screaming at the referee]'': The general manager interrupted the count, or I personally guarantee you this one would be over!
:''[suddenly Matt Hardy comes out to the ring, steel chair in hand, and pushes Vickie into the ring]''
:'''Tazz''': Whoa, Matt Hardy!
:'''Jim''' ''[as Matt corrals Vickie to the corner of the ring]'': And now the tables got a little bit ho - set a little differently!
:'''Tazz''': Yeah, no disqualification here!
:'''Jim''': Jeff's brother Matt... ''[Matt hands Jeff the chair amidst Vickie's screaming]'' ...handing him a legal weapon. ''[Jeff prepares to hit Edge with the chair, but Matt stops him, then goes outside the ring to pick up the other chair laying on the floor]'' The Hardys...
:'''Tazz''': Ho-ho-ho-ha-ha!
:'''Jim''': Shades of ''TLC''!
:'''Tazz''' ''[as Jeff lays his chair under Edge's head]'' Con-chair-to city!
:''[suddenly Matt strikes Jeff in the head with the other chair. Jeff goes down and is out cold]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, my God!
:''[the crowd boos loudly as Matt stares at his fallen brother. Edge comes to, looks at Matt, pulls Jeff in and, keeping one eye on Matt, covers Jeff for the three count]''
:'''Justin Roberts''' ''[as the referee hands Edge the WWE championship belt]'': The winner of this match, and NEW WWE champion, the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:''[Edge celebrates with Vickie as Matt quietly leaves the ring and walks away]''
:'''Jim''' ''[after a long pause]'': I'm absolutely in shock. I don't believe what we have just witnessed here tonight at the Royal Rumble.
:'''Tazz''': Staggering. I - ''[stammers]'' - I don't know what to say, I...
:'''Jim''': Jeff Hardy was living his dream. And now his dream has become a family nightmare.
:'''Tazz''': You know, JR, I-I don't think Edge had any idea, of any of this unfolding the way it unfolded, I - nor do I think Vickie had anything to do with this. In shocking fashion, we crowned a new WWE champion?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Both members of Cryme Tyme enter the arena during the Royal Rumble match]''
:'''Jim''': Which one's it gonna be? Big Shad or JTG?
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[as JTG pulls out a coin]'' There can only be one, they're gonna flip a coin. ''[JTG flips it, wins the toss, and goes to the ring]'' Is that a coin?
:'''Jim''': What did you think it was, a tooth?
:'''Jerry''': No telling. Could be a license plate this guys made. ''[Shad picks up the coin and can't help but smile when he sees that...]'' It's a double-sided coin!
:'''Jim''': JTG wins the toss and has elected to offend.
:'''Jerry''': It was a two-headed coin!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': In some of the pubs that Finlay frequents, this is the way they decide who picks up the tab.
:'''Jim''': Something ''you'' usually don't ever do.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Santino Marella, the #28 entry, charges to the ring]'' The king of the unibrow. No offense, King. ''[The very moment Santino enters the ring, Kane clotheslines him back out, eliminating him]'' OH!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': Good lord!
:'''Santino Marella''': I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready! No! I wasn't actually prepared! I'm going back in!
:''[Most of the superstars stop fighting in the ring, amazed and/or surprised over Santino's elimination]''
:'''Jim''': That was a record! I think the Warlord's record may have been broken!
:'''Jerry''': Err.. No redos, Santino! ''[Kane laughs as the replay of the elimination is shown on screen]'' Ha!Ha!Ha! Let's see if we can time this in our heads. 1,001...one thousan...he didn't even last two seconds! About a second-and-a-half!
:'''Jim''': So Santino may have gone in the record books, but not in the way he would've liked.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H dumps Orton over the top, but he lands on the apron]''
:'''Jerry''': There goes Orton!
:'''Jim''': Orton's gon... Orton's ''not'' gone! ''[Triple H Pedigrees Cody Rhodes]'' What a Pedigree! A Pedigree to Rhodes! ''[ [[w:Ted DiBiase, Jr.|Ted DiBiase]] runs at Triple H, but Triple H sends DiBiase flying over the top rope to the floor, eliminating him]'' DiBiase's gone! We're down to three! We're down to three!
:''[Triple H tosses Cody, eliminating him]''
:'''Jerry''': There goes Rhodes! He's gone! Cody Rhodes is gone!
:''[Orton, now back in the ring, dumps Triple H out of the ring, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jim''': Triple H...is gone! ORTON DID IT!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble: Randy Orton!
:'''Jerry''': Randy Orton from behind! Just as the Game had eliminated Cody Rhodes, Orton struck!
:'''Jim''': The Game eliminated 2/3 of Legacy, but Randy Orton took advantage of opportunity to win the 2009 Royal Rumble! And you know what this means!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Cody and Ted re-enter]'' It means that that man, Randy Orton, has a one-way ticket to the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania. But he didn't do it alone—there's his help.
:...
:'''Jim''': The Game fought and fought and fought, tried to hang on, but it was too much. The odds were too much, and now Randy Orton's legacy is this—he is guaranteed a championship match at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Orton points to the WrestleMania sign]'' 48 minutes and 27 seconds it took Randy Orton to win this Royal Rumble.
:'''Jim''': Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania to become a champion, to compete in the main event, and it's guaranteed.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2010)|2010]]==
:'''CM Punk''': ''[after eliminating Evan Bourne and Dolph Ziggler, leaving him alone in the ring]'' Let me thank you all for joining me tonight in what will be the most historic moment my Straight Edge Society has ever seen. These are just the first of 29 other men that will be thrown over the top rope, or, if they have the courage that the WWE Universe lacks, they can be saved. ''[The clock counts down from ten seconds]'' But unfortunately, not everyone can win the Royal Rumble. Excuse me, [[w:Fantastic Four|it's clobberin' time]].
:'''[[w:Matt Striker|Matt Striker]]''': Who's the next sacrifice for [[w:Thing (comics)|Ben Grimm]]?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[after Punk eliminates JTG]'' You know what the bad news there is, don't you? We're gonna have to listen to CM Punk again.
:'''Matt''': No, nothing wrong with that.
:'''CM Punk''': As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, not everybody can win the Royal Rumble match, just like not everyone can be saved. There are people here tonight that cannot, that will not ever have the reserve and dedication in their heart to follow in my footsteps. ''[The clock counts down again]'' Tonight I become the first ever straight edge Royal Rumble match winner.
:''[Buzzer sounds; entrant #5 is the Great Khali]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh boy! The Punjabi Playboy.
:'''Matt''': Let's see if CM Punk can curry favor with the Great Khali.
:'''Michael''': 7'3&quot;, 420 pounds, making his fourth Rumble appearance.
:'''Matt''': CM Punk looking at his Mary Magdalene, Serena. How is Punk going to deal with the Great Khali?
:'''CM Punk''': Great Khali, Great Khali, Great Khali, I can save you. Great Khali, I can make you...I can make you greater! I can see the pain in your eyes—you need to be saved! Please, Great Khali, raise your right hand! ''[Great Khali raises his right hand]'' Do you accept straight edge into your life?
:''[With his right hand, Khali chops Punk down]''
:'''Michael''': The straight edge chop.
:'''Matt''': CM Punk was only trying to save the Great Khali, but...''[Khali starts crushing Punk's head]'' All Khali has to do is pick Punk up and throw him over the top rope.
:'''Michael''': The skull enveloped in those hands of Khali
:'''Jerry''': Who's gonna save CM right now?
:'''Michael''': ''[as the clock counts down]'' Who will enter at #6?
:'''Jerry''': Could crush his head like a grape.
:''[Buzzer sounds; entrant #6 is Beth Phoenix, who runs to the ring]''
:'''Matt''': That's Beth Phoenix.
:'''Michael''': The Glamazon! Just the second woman in Rumble history.
:'''Jerry''': Are you serious?
:'''Matt''': ''[as Phoenix stares into Khali's eyes]'' Every Superstar is eligible but...really? ''[Khali picks her up and places her over the top rope onto the apron, pointing her to go back]'' Khali's the Punjabi Playboy. Gentle.
:'''Michael''': Chivalry is not dead.
:''[Beth kisses Khali in a mad embrace, pulling him over the top]''
:'''Matt''': Why does Khali get all the good stuff?! ''[Phoenix pulls the Great Khali onto the floor, eliminating him, and gets back in the ring]'' Never trust a woman, look at that!
:'''Michael''': Beth Phoenix has eliminated the Great Khali!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': CM Punk has so far eliminated four- well, three superstars and a diva.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': [[w:Space Oddity (song)|Ground control to Major]] [[John Hennigan|John]], this could be Starship Pain.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Awaiting #20...
:''[Shawn superkicks Triple H out of the ring, eliminating him]''
:'''Matt''': WOOOOOWWWWWW!!! ''[continues over]''
:'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my God!
:'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels has eliminated Triple H! It is indeed every man for himself!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': #29 on his way.
:'''Jerry''': Who's gonna join these guys? ''[buzzer sounds; Jericho gives a shocked look as Edge's music plays.]''
:'''Michael''': HOLY–!!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': OH MY!! The Rated:-R Superstar! The former World Champion!
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Matt''': ''[refering to the immense cheers of Edge's return]'' Listen to the ovation!
:'''Michael''': It is thunderous in the Phillips Arena!
:'''Matt''': After what many thought to be a career-threatening injury, Edge has returned!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look out, here comes Edge!
:''[Edge clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, the momentum sending him over as well, with both landing on the apron.]''
:'''Michael''': Both hang on, both hang on. For a moment. But look at...teetering precariously on the apron. Oh, this is dangerous. This is dangerous for both of these men.
:''[Michaels superkicks Edge over the top and back into the ring]''
:'''Matt''': Whoa! Back ''into'' the ring, though!
:'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music... ''[Batista attacks Michaels from behind, who still hangs on by one hand]'' Batista ambushing Michaels! ''[Batista knocks Michaels' hand away and Michaels falls to the floor, getting eliminated]'' NO!!!
:'''Matt''': NO!!!
:'''Jerry''': Shawn Michaels eliminated.
:'''Matt''': Hearts have been broken right now. Everyone wanted to see Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker, the rematch
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Michaels reenters the ring, referee Charles Robinson following him]'' What's he doing? He can't...
:'''Matt''': Shawn Michaels has been eliminated.
:'''Charles Robinson''': Get out! Get out! It's over, Shawn. Get out! All right? It's over. Get out.
:'''Shawn''': You don't understand!
:'''Charles''': I can't help you! You went over the rope! What do you want me to do about it?! Let's go!
:''[Michaels superkicks Charles and falls to the mat as referee Jack Doan implores him to leave.]''
:'''Jack Doan''': Shawn, you gotta go. You gotta go.
:'''Matt''': This match meant everything to Shawn Michaels. ''[An inconsolable Michaels leaves the ring and makes his way up the aisle]'' It's the one thing in Shawn Michaels' career that he's never achieved.
:'''Michael''': That man, Batista.
:'''Matt''': Let's not lose sight of what this night is about, though—the road to WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, but I'm worried about Shawn here.
:'''Shawn''': GOD!!! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
:'''Michael''': I can not help but feel for him. We are down to three, ladies and gentlemen; let's refocus on what's at hand.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': John Cena's been in the match the longest, over 25 minutes thus far. Batista, remember, entered at #30, Edge at #29.
:'''Matt''': Well, HBK entered at #18, so he has to be in at least a minute longer than... ''[As he says this, Batista charges Cena, who grabs the top rope and pulls it down, sending Batista over to elimination]'' ...CENA! OH!
:'''Jerry''': Batista eliminated!
:'''Michael''': John Cena, a little payback from 2005. John Cena has eliminated Batista. We are now down to two.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Edge preps from the other side of the ring]'' Watch your back, John.
:''[Edge runs to spear Cena...]''
:'''Michael''': Here it is. ''[...but Cena catches him with a knee]'' Look at him take advantage. Cena...saw it coming... ''[Cena charges Edge, but Edge steps aside and tosses him out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' OH NO! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2010 Royal Rumble: The Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:'''Matt''': Oh, my God! [[w:One Day Remains#Metalingus|On this day, I see clearly.]] The Ultimate Opportunist, Edge, is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': I cannot believe it, ladies and gentlemen. Edge wasn't supposed to be here. Edge wasn't supposed to be back in action for months, and he came from out of nowhere, and he entered at #29, and he eliminated John Cena, and he's won the Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2011)|2011]]==

:'''Matt Striker''': ''[on Vickie Guerrero]'' She looks like a can of strawberry soda with botulism. Look at that top.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Edge is about to spear Dolph Ziggler while the referee and Vickie are out cold]'' He can't do this!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh, yes he can!
:'''Michael''': No, he can't! It's illegal!
:'''Matt''': Remember, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, it never happened.
:''[Edge spears Ziggler]''
:'''Michael''': Somebody had to see that!  Ref, get up! Edge isn't hurt! Edge is acting, he deserves an Oscar nomination here! Come on, ref, you fool!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as the ref slowly gets up]'' This is great.
:'''Michael''': How did the ref not see that?!
:'''Jerry''': What do you mean, &quot;how did the referee not see that&quot;? The ref was knocked down, Vickie Guerrero's knocked down.
:'''Michael''': This is ridiculous! This is a travesty!
:'''Jerry''': Somebody wake Vickie Guerrero up. She definitely needs to see this.
:''[Edge gives the Killswitch to Ziggler]''
:'''Matt''': Look at this! A little shout-out to his [[w:Christian (wrestler)|buddy]]!
:'''Michael''': The cover. ''[The referee counts to three]'' You've gotta be kidding me!
:...
:'''Michael''': It's too damn bad the Oscar nominations came out last week, because this man would be a frontrunner for Best Actor!
:...
:'''Jerry''': How many times had Vickie Guerrero slapped, punched, and done all those things to Edge? I don't think that Edge...I don't know how he kept his composure. But right here, he realized Vickie Guerrero was down; he looked over, he saw the referee down.
:'''Michael''': But this is illegal! The spear is illegal!
:'''Matt''': The cat's away, the mice will play. The teacher didn't see it, I didn't do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Josh Matthews''': Miz, you're just moments away from your title defense, however you requested this time to address the WWE Universe.
:'''The Miz''': Josh, my entire championship reign has been smeared with lies and accusations, from &quot;if it wasn't for Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler would be Champion&quot;, &quot;if it wasn't for Alex Riley, Randy Orton would be Champion.&quot; There is a reason why I'm a champion, and people like Randy Orton, Jerry Lawler, and even Tom Brady are not champions.
:'''Alex Riley''': The Miz can outbrawl Randy Orton, outwrestle him, outshine him, outsmart him, and outclass him. He's gonna beat Randy tonight, and he's gonna go on to WrestleMania the WWE Champion.
:'''Miz''': As I told Randy Orton as I stood over his barely conscious body two weeks ago, I'm the Miz...and I'm awesome.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': The Miz does not even realize that he's won.
:'''Michael''': It doesn't matter, he's still the WWE Champion. He's retained the WWE Championship.
:'''Jerry''': The Miz, fat lip and all, is asking the referee what happened. You gonna tell me, Cole, the Miz is gonna be a proud WWE Champion after that?
:'''Michael''': He should be proud—he's still the WWE Champ.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': What's interesting about {{w|Daniel Bryan}} is that he spent twelve years honing his craft, toiling in the minor leagues; imagine what it would mean for Daniel Bryan to go to WrestleMania.
:'''Michael''': Minor leagues???
:'''Matt''': Yeah, before he came to the WWE, everything's the minor leagues.
:'''Michael''': Well, for CM Punk, he's in the big time now. CM Punk, the three-time World Champion and about to go to school on this dork Daniel Bryan.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, if what you is right, then CM Punk was in the minor leagues.
:'''Matt''': Yeah, this is...a lot of the Internet loves this match-up right now.
:'''Michael''': The Internet loves this, the Internet loves that. Who cares about the stupid Internet?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Alternating chants]''
:'''Half of audience''': DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Other half''': CM PUNK!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': From Merrick, Long Island; cocky and brash, even [[w:Michael Sorrentino|&quot;The Situation&quot;]] finds this guy annoying—Zack Ryder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[On the Nexus working together and standing alone in the ring]''
:'''Jerry''': Say what you want, this is not what the Royal Rumble is about.
:'''Michael''': Why not?!
:'''Jerry''': The Royal Rumble is supposed to be about every man for himself.
:'''Michael''': King, you would do this.
:'''Jerry''': No I would not.
:'''Michael''': You would do this.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, if I could find four or five suckers that would play along with it, I might.
:'''Matt''': Just call up Mid-South.
:'''Jerry''' ''[clearly unamused]'': Not funny.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The buzzer sounds for #32. The sound of an engine turning over causes the crowd to roar and the action to stop.]''
:'''Matt''': Holy sh...!
:''[A big truck horn sounds, perfectly timed to censor Striker]''
:'''Michael''': You've gotta be kidding me! Big Daddy Cool Diesel!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': Diesel's back! Diesel's here! 6'11&quot;, 311 pounds, from Detroit, Michigan!
:'''Matt''': This is what it's all about! You never know who's gonna show up!
:'''Michael''': The former WWE Champion...
:'''Matt''': Look at the faces!
:'''Jerry''': Look at ''your'' face.
:'''Michael''': King, who will ever forget in 1994 when Diesel entered the Rumble match and eliminated seven men! Nearly seven feet tall! Diesel's back!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miz''': ''[unaware Riley was eliminated]'' Notice Alex Riley. Alex Riley is being very smart right now.
:'''Jerry''': Where is he?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': You win the Royal Rumble, you headline WrestleMania. You have a choice—which championship do you go after? Which match do you want to be in?
:'''Michael''': You gotta win the Royal Rumble match first. One of these men looking to live their dreams...''[Randy Orton eliminates Wade Barrett]'' Wade Barrett eliminated...
:''[Alberto Del Rio gets Randy over the top rope...]''
:'''Michael and Matt''': Yes, do it! Do it!
:''[...and out to the floor, seemingly winning the Rumble]''
:'''Matt''': YEAH!
:'''Michael''': Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio does it!
:'''Matt''': Vaya con dios, Alberto Del Rio!
:'''Ricardo Rodriguez''': Cabas y caballeros, su ganador de Royal Rumble eras ALBERTOOO DEL RIIIOOO!  ''(Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the Royal Rumble is Alberto Del Rio!)''
:'''Matt''': Alberto Del Rio is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': I can't believe it. I can assure you I would've never made this...''[Mike Chioda talks with Alberto in the ring after Santino re-enters]'' whoa, wait a minute.
:'''Michael''': Folks, remember, King, remember what you said earlier. Remember what you said earlier. Santino was never eliminated, remember? He never went over the top rope! He went underneath the bottom rope!
:'''Jerry''': Santino's still in this... ''[Alberto turns around and walks into Santino's Cobra]''
:'''Michael''': The Cobra! The Cobra! Oh my God! Oh my God! The biggest upset in Rumble history! This is gonna be the biggest upset in Rumble history!
:'''Jerry''': Throw him out, Santino! Throw him out!
:'''Michael''': Santino is gonna go to WrestleMania! Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me!
:'''Jerry''': No, this is great!
:'''Michael''': You gotta be kidding me!
:''[Santino runs Alberto to the ropes, but Alberto reverse the run and sends Santino flying out of the ring, finally winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Del Rio!
:'''Matt''': One more time! Alberto Del Rio is on his way to the main event at WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In the ring, Rodriguez is singing Del Rio's praises in Spanish]''
:'''Michael''': Viva Del Rio!  Viva Del Rio!
:'''Jerry''': Can I press 1 for English?

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2012)|2012]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': The thing is, Kane says Cena and, in turn, the WWE Universe not embracing hate is a cowardly act. And that's the words of Kane. They live lives filled with delusions, they all wanna cheer for John Cena or at least be a part of his life, or they wanna boo him. They want to live vicariously through Cena. That is a cowardly way out, in Kane's estimation.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well, if you're gonna try to make sense out of anything that Kane thinks, good luck.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[after John Laurinaitis ejects Vickie Guerrero from ringside]'' Remember, CM Punk defeated Jack Swagger a couple of weeks ago. With that victory, it ensured that Swagger and Guerrero would not be at ringside for this match-up. Great move by Laurinaitis.
:'''Booker T''': I just think he's sucking up.
:'''Michael''': Here we go, Punk roll-up, shoulders down, and a kick-out. Sucking up? He followed the rules, Booker. I mean, give the man some credit for once in your life. What, did you have an issue back in the day of WCW with Johnny? That's why you're all upset with this man? Because he was a better worker than you? Because he was a better wrestler than you?
:'''Booker''': ''[clearly in disbelief]'' What? You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Michael''': I mean, come on now. John Laurinaitis is...he's awesome!
:'''Booker''': You're talking about a guy who has done nothing in this business, right?
:'''Michael''': Who, John? He was a world champion in Japan. That's what he was.
:'''Booker''': In Japan.
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''Jerry''': In the world of Japan.
:'''Booker''': Yeah, the world of Japan.
:'''Jerry''': John Laurinaitis right now... I know you say he's got a lot of things on his plate, a lot of things to take care and be concerned with, but he's got his phone out, he's texting out here.
:'''Michael''': He just texted me to tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing tonight and how glad he is to have me calling the Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on Vickie Guerrero]'' She's quite enamored with Dolph Ziggler. Unfortunately, he's already found the love of his life; too bad he can't marry himself.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': ''[to Laurinaitis]'' Next GTS is for you, Clownshoes!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Miz''': Every Superstar backstage has been snickering at me all day. They think I'm actually bothered by the fact that I'm the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble match. They think it scares me. They think I'm intimidated by it. They think I don... they don't think I will make it to the end. But those are the same people, the same Superstars that told me I would never main-event WrestleMania, that I would never be in the main event, that I would never be in this ring a WWE Champion! Every time they have denied me, I have went above and beyond and proved them wrong, and tonight will be no different. I may be the first one out here, but I will be the last man standing, and I will go on to headline WrestleMania XXVIII because I'm the Miz, and I'm...awesome!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #8. Alberto Del Rio's music plays]''
:'''Michael''': Hey, hey, hey, hey!
:'''Booker''': What the hell?
:'''Michael''': Alberto Del Rio's back! Alberto Del Rio, last year's Royal Rumble match winner, is back! ''[Car horn honks]'' Oh, this is gonna be awesome!
:''[The car producing the horn drives out.]''
:'''Jerry''': What is that?!
:'''Booker''': What the hell? We got an old 280 Datsun? 280ZX?
:'''Jerry''': Hey, that's not Alberto Del Rio! Look!
:'''Booker''': Worth about $600.
:'''Michael''': ''[as the driver reveals himself to be...]'' Is that... is that Ricardo?!
:'''Jerry''': I don't know, but his back window is a Hefty bag.
:'''Michael''': It's Del Rio's personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez.
:'''Jerry''': And that's his car?!
:'''Michael''': Well, yeah, you know, he's...never been champion.
:'''Booker''': Wow, a vintage 1985 Datsun 280Z.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi in trouble from the top rope.
:'''Booker''': He needs a little bit of help right now. Kofi needs a little help.
:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #12. Jerry's music plays]''
:'''Jerry''': Yes, he does, and you know what? What would a Royal Rumble be without a little royalty?!
:'''Michael''': ''[as Jerry removes his headset and sweatshirt]'' You've gotta be kidding me! What are you doing?!
:'''Booker''': You didn't tell me you was in it, King!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Booker''': ''[after Jerry drops a fist on the Miz]'' Vintage King right there, baby.
:'''Michael''': Oh, now you're stealing my lines!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': No announcer should enter the Royal Rumble match.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': As we get ready for #17.
:'''Jerry''': Who's it gonna be?
:''[Buzzer sounds. Booker T.'s music plays]''
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': NOW YOU?!?!?! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! NOW YOU?!
:'''Jerry''': Go get em, Booker! Go get em, sucka!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi still alive. Hands on the floor. Remember, both feet have to hit the floor. ''[Miz pushes Kofi's legs away]'' Oh, my God. Dangerous situation.
:''[Kofi, now out of the ring, walks on his hands to the steps]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, look at this!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my God.
:'''Jerry''': LOOK AT THIS!
:'''Michael''': ''[as Kofi lands his feet on the steps, crawls backwards onto them, and reenters the ring]'' ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
:'''Jerry''': He saved himself!
:'''Michael''': ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
:'''Jerry''': Kofi Kingston, what a move!
:'''Michael''': That's gotta be the greatest thing I've ever seen!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Who's gonna enter at #20? I think I know. I got a hunch. I got a hunch. ''[Buzzer sounds, Nickelback's &quot;Burn It to the Ground&quot; plays, and Michael Cole is revealed as #20. He immediately undresses, revealing his orange singlet]'' YES! YES! YES!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, tell me this is not so. Tell me that Michael Cole is not entering...
:'''Booker''': What the hell you doing? You're not in the Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': Keep your pants on, nobody wants to see... just get in there!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look at Cole avoiding any contact with anybody.
:'''Booker''': Look at his stomach. I mean, he looks like he's been eating donuts all month.
:'''Jerry''': That's the way he works out. ''[Buzzer sounds for #21]'' Somebody get in there and get him.
:'''Booker''': Don't that just break your...  ''[A cackle is heard and Michael Cole is instantly afraid]'' ohhhh....
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?! Wait a minute there, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?
:'''Booker''': ''[as #21, Kharma, walks to the ring]'' Aww, wait a minute!
:'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' Kharma!
:'''Booker''': King, check this out. This is only the third time something like this has ever happened. Kharma is about to break somebody off a little something proper-like, dog!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, I hope she goes right after Cole!
:'''Booker''': I hope she just eat him like a piece of chicken!
:'''Jerry''': Michael Cole is already crying, I see tears running down... ''[Kharma clotheslines Michael]'' Oh, yes! She knocked his headgear right off!
:'''Booker''': She's looking at that boy like a chicken bone! She's fixing to eat!
:''[Michael climbs over the ropes]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, look at Cole.
:'''Booker''': King, come on.
:''[As Michael begs Kharma to go easy on him, Jerry and Booker leave the table and take his legs out from under Michael, eliminating him]''
:...
:'''Booker''': Cole, you okay?
:'''Michael''': You guys just cost me my spot at WrestleMania! I was gonna win the thing!
:'''Booker''': Trying to help you out, dog.
:'''Michael''': I didn't wanna touch a woman, that was why I climbed over the top rope!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Chris Jericho tries the Codebreaker on Sheamus, he gets caught and dumped over the top rope, but hangs on, avoiding the floor]''
:'''Michael''': No, they didn't hit. The referee's right there; his feet did not hit the floor. This match continues.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Jericho gets back onto the ring]'' Once again, Jericho teeters and holds on for dear life.
:''[Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Jericho]''
:'''Michael''': Oh, Brogue Kick!
:''[Jericho falls to the floor, winning the Rumble for Sheamus]''
:'''Booker''': Oh my goodness!
:'''Michael''': Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble: Sheamus!
:'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Great White is gonna be on the prowl on South Beach! Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2013)|2013]]==

:'''Kane''': They said we were dysfunctional, but we're ''still'' the Tag Team Champions!
:'''Daniel Bryan''': Still the Tag Team Champions!
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Excuse me. Excuse me! Daniel, Kane, as managing supervisor of ''Raw'', I am happy to give you your entry numbers into the Royal Rumble match. ''[Hands over two sealed envelopes]'' Good luck.
:''[She chuckles and leaves as Daniel and Kane open their envelopes. Kane looks at his and shrugs while Daniel points at his.]''
:'''Kane''': Interesting.
:'''Daniel''': Well?
:'''Kane''': Well, what?
:'''Daniel''': Aren't...aren't you gonna show me?
:'''Kane''': Show you what?
:'''Daniel''': Show me your number.
:'''Kane''': Oh. Let me think about it for a second. No!
:'''Daniel''': &quot;No&quot;? What do you mean, &quot;no&quot;?! It's the rules!
:'''Kane''': Trust me. You would feel very inadequate.
:'''Daniel''': Wh...what does that mean? Just show it to me!
:'''Kane''': Daniel, it's bad strategy to reveal your number before a Royal Rumble match to ''anyone!'' See you out there, partner.
:'''Daniel''': Not if I see you ''first!''
:'''Kane''': ''[holding up envelope]'' Yeah, that's ''highly'' unlikely.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': I stand before you all alone in the spotlight, exactly where I belong. And tonight, when this Royal Rumble match comes to a close, it's gonna be exactly the same—me standing in the middle of this ring all by myself as the winner of the Royal Rumble match!
:'''Michael Cole''': Only twice in history has someone won from the #1 spot. Only twice in history...
:'''Dolph''': And I don't even care who #2 is, so just send him out already.
:'''Michael''': Well, only twice in history has someone won from the #2 position. The question is, who will be the man to start the Rumble match against Dolph Ziggler?
:'''Loudspeaker''': BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU'VE STILL GOT IT!
:'''Chris Jericho''': I never lost it, baby!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[on entry #9]'' It is the Harvard Law School graduate, David Otunga.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': All right! Jennifer Hudson's husband!
:'''Michael''': Otunga entering his third Royal Rumble match. All three of us here at ringside have been part of the Royal Rumble match. John, you've actually been in five in your career; one year, you lasted nearly 36 minutes, as Otunga goes right after Goldust.
:'''JBL''': You'd been in one, hadn't you, Michael?
:'''Michael''': Yeah, last year, I lasted...
:'''JBL''': How long did you last?
:'''Michael''': Almost two minutes.
:'''JBL''': Did anybody last less than you?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''JBL''': Who?
:'''Michael''': Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler.
:'''JBL''': How long did he last?
:'''Michael''': Less than a minute.
:'''JBL''': You lasted longer than Jerry Lawler?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''JBL''': Wow. Did you beat him at WrestleMania too?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Hey, listen. I've stopped listening, you can stop talking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi just landed on Tensai's back! Kofi's still alive!
:'''JBL''': Wait a minute, Kofi's not disqualified!
:'''Michael''': No, Kofi's still alive. ''[Tensai puts Kofi Kingston on the Spanish announce table]'' Kofi didn't hit the floor. Tensai...they gotta get Tensai out of here.
:'''Jerry''' Now what's Kofi gonna do?
:'''Michael''': Oh, he's in a predicated now because Kofi's not been eliminated. But how the hell can Kofi Kingston get back to the ring? It's impossible.
:'''JBL''': He's like a bird when the world's on fire! Where do you land?! ''[Kingston is now standing on the table, considering jumping to the ring]'' What's he gonna do now?
:'''Michael''': What did they use to do in ''Star Trek'', teleport themselves? That's what Kofi'd better try to do here.
:'''JBL''': Jump! Jump, Carl Lewis, jump for it!
:'''Jerry''': I don't think there's anybody that's gonna beam...
:'''JBL''': He's gonna try! Jump for it!
:'''Jerry''': ...beam him all the way into the ring.
:''[A few moments later...]''
:'''Kofi Kingston''': ''[to JBL]'' The chair!
:'''JBL''': For what?
:'''Kingston''': Come on, just give me your chair!
:'''JBL''': Chair for what?
:'''Michael''': Come on, just give him your chair. He wants it.
:'''JBL''': ''[getting up]'' I gotta see this. I've gotta see this. ''[JBL hands his chair to Kingston]'' I gotta see this! I gotta see this! This is gonna be good! I don't know what he's gonna do!
:''[A few more moments later...]''
:'''Michael''': Meanwhile, high drama, high drama building ringside.
:'''JBL''': ''[as Kingston stands on the chair]'' This is unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': Kofi's not been eliminated. Kingston is still alive.
:''[Kofi starts jumping with the chair towards the ring]''
:'''JBL''': I love it!
:'''Jerry''': Look at the referees staring Kofi down.
:'''JBL''': This is awesome! This is incredible!
:'''Michael''': He's using the chair like a pogo stick!
:'''JBL''': I get an assist!
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston, give the assist to Bradshaw...
:''[Kingston gets onto the ring apron and the referees give the safe signal]''
:'''JBL''': That's the craziest thing I've ever seen!
:'''Michael''': I can't believe it!
:'''Jerry''': Kofi's safe.
:'''JBL''': Kofi's still in the Rumble! Now give me my chair back!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on entry #17: The Godfather, accompanied by two lovely ladies]'' From Vegas! He brought his [[w:Groupie|Rat]] Pack!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ryback carries John Cena, who escapes and pushes Ryback...]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa...
:''[...over the top rope to the floor, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Ryback eliminated!
:'''JBL''': HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE!
:'''Michael''': John Cena is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: John Cena!
:'''Jerry''': John Cena has done it!
:'''JBL''': The 10-time WWE Champion is going back to the dance, to the main stage, to the grandest of them all, WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': John Cena has made history tonight. John Cena becomes only the fourth man to win two Royal Rumble matches.
:''[John points to the WrestleMania logo and the fireworks go off]''
:'''JBL''': There was Austin, there was Shawn Michaels, there was Hogan, and now there's Cena!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I think we are gonna see the most electrifying move in all of sports!
:'''Michael''': Look at the people! Look at the people!
:'''Jerry''': That's because it's the People's Elbow!
:''[Just before The Rock can hit the Elbow, the entire arena goes dark. The following is unseen]''
:'''JBL''': What's happening?
:'''Michael''': What the... who the hell?! Wait a minute! Someone's destroying our announce table! Who the hell is that?! They're attacking Rock! Holy cow, King! King, look at who that is! Oh, my God, it's The Shield!
:'''Jerry''': No!
:'''Michael''': The Shield! The Shield! That was The Shield! And they just triple-powerbombed Rock through the table! ''[The lights come back on, revealing The Rock laid out on the dismantled announce table, CM Punk lying in the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, th...King, that was The Shield!
:'''JBL''': The referee didn't see it! The referee doesn't see it! He has no idea The Shield did that! He's got no idea!
:'''Michael''': ''[referee Mike]'' Chioda, that was The Shield!
:'''JBL''': Shut up, you stooge!
:'''Michael''': I think they did something to the referee too! I think The Shield did something to the referee!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': It was The Shield! The Shield was out here, Punk, and put the guy through the table!
:'''CM Punk''': Who?
:'''Michael''': The Shield, that's who!
:'''CM Punk''': I have nothing to do with The Shield!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Day 435 will be tomorrow for CM Punk! Admit it now, Michael! He's the best in the world!
:'''Justin''': The winner of this match and still WWE Champion: CM Punk!
:'''Michael''': This is absolutely horrendous!
:'''JBL''': It's all fair, Michael, in love and war! CM Punk is the best in the world! Now would you please acknowledge...
:'''Jerry''': No, we're gonna acknowledge it.
:'''Michael''': How is that fair?! We watched The Shield, three feet away from us, walk out here and triple-bomb The Rock through a table!
:'''JBL''': Michael, I saw the exact same thing you saw! Michael Chioda, the referee, didn't see it! CM Punk is about to leave the Royal Rumble Champion!
:'''Jerry''': So you're saying it's not cheating if you don't get caught.
:'''JBL''': That is ex...oh, ''you're'' one to talk, King!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Seems to me that, CM Punk, your celebration is over! I told you if The Shield got involved in your match-up, we would strip you of the Championship!
:'''Michael''': Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Oh, I know! I know, technically, we couldn't ''see'' The Shield involved, right? So that means we're all stupid, it wasn't The Shield? CM Punk, it is my duty as Chairman of the Board...
:'''Jerry''': Oh boy. Yeah!
:'''JBL''': Oh, shut up, cheerleader.
:'''Jerry''': Oh boy!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ...to officially...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We ain't ending this night like that. You don't take it from him. ''I'' am. Restart the match now!
:'''CM Punk''': This match is over!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[after a few moments of deliberation]'' You heard the man, restart the match!
:'''Michael''': That's why The Rock's the People's Champion! Give the people what they want! Give them a conclusion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': This is vintage Rock!
:'''Jerry''': Here it comes! Another People's Elbow! ''[Rock hits the Elbow on Punk]'' Yes!
:'''JBL''': What do you gotta do to beat this guy?!
:'''Michael''': Cover, hook of the leg. ''[Chioda counts to three]'' THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT!
:'''JBL''': ''[over Cole]'' You're kidding me! You're kidding me!
:'''Justin''': The winner of this match...and NEW WWE Champion: The Rock!
:'''Michael''': The ten-year wait is over!
:'''JBL''': Unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': The Rock is again People's Champion!
:'''JBL''': Ten years, just like Muhammad Ali came back and won the World Championship, The Rock, the Great One!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2014)|2014]]==

:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[on Bray Wyatt's backwards crab walk]'' This freak needs an exorcist.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': Yeah. Linda Blair.
:'''Jerry''': She was ''not'' the Exorcist.
:'''Michael Cole''': No, she was the one that needed to be exorcised. That was so long ago, I don't think anyone remembers. That was, like, the early 70s.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fans''': ''[chant during the Bryan-Wyatt match]'' THIS IS AWESOME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Renee Young''': Randy, tonight you put your championship on the line against John Cena. I mean, this is a man that is...
:'''Randy Orton''': This is a man, Renee, that I've beaten. But you already know that, everybody knows that. But after tonight, when I beat him again, John Cena goes to the back of the line.
:'''Renee''': That's actually an interesting choice of words, Randy, 'cause right now, it seems that there's quite a line formed to challenge you for your championship. Brock Lesnar's made it clear that he wants to come after your championship; Batista now back in WWE after being gone for four years, ''he'' wants a shot at your championship. If you retain your title tonight, the winner of the Royal Rumble will go on to face you at WrestleMania. And now with Bray Wyatt fresh off of his victory over Daniel Bryan, he's now thrown his hat into the ring.
:'''Randy''': Renee, Renee, when you're on top of the mountain, people are gonna want a shot. That's just how this business works, that's why that line is forming. But no one's gonna touch me. See, Brock Lesnar, Dave Batista, they're good, but they're not great...like me. Bray Wyatt? I mean, he's a ''Duck Dynasty'' reject, for God's sakes. He's definitely not &quot;face of the WWE&quot; material, like me. I'm the true face, the one and only face. It's not Brock, Batista, CM Punk or Daniel Bryan, and it certainly isn't that deranged hillbilly who sits in a rocking chair every once in a while. No, and I'm gonna make sure tonight that once and for all, everyone knows that it is definitely not John Cena either.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chants during the Cena-Orton match]''
:'''Fans''': DANIEL BRYAN!
:RANDY SAVAGE!
:Y2J!
:YOU BOTH SUCK!
:THIS IS AWFUL!
:WE WANT DIVAS!
:''[after the Wyatt Family's interference costs Cena the match]'' THANK YOU, WYATT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Behold the creators of the new world!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston on the barricade. Kofi Kingston went over the top rope, guys, but remember he's not been eliminated.
:'''JBL''': That's right, Kofi Kingston's still in it.
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston has been a highlight reel of spectacular moves in the past...
:'''Jerry''': Guys, guys, come on, he's a mile away from the ring.
:'''JBL''': He is that.
:'''Jerry''': I know he's not out, but he might as well be.
:'''JBL''': Last year, he borrowed my chair.
:''[Kofi Kingston walks back on the barricade]''
:'''Michael''': What is Kofi gonna do here?
:'''JBL''': He'll do what he can do. What's he trying to do?
:'''Jerry''': I don't think he can fly.
:'''JBL''': He can't fly. This is impossible.
:'''Michael''': Kofi King...
:''[Kingston runs on the barricade and leaps onto the ring and re-enters]'' 
:'''Michael and JBL''': YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''JBL''': Kofi Kingston just turned into [[w:Bob Beamon|Bob Beamon]]!
:'''Michael''': He's hopped on chairs, he's walked on his hands, he's used a human bridge.
:'''JBL''': Unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' He's leaped from the barricade to the ring. He's the Royal Rumble Highlight Reel!
:'''Jerry''': Guys, I just said he can't fly, but I believe he can.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[after the buzzer sounds for entry #20]'' Los Matadores! Which one, though?
:'''Michael''': Diego and Fernando. And of course, ''[El Torito charges through their capes]'' they brought the bull. ''[El Torito charges to the ring]'' Hey, wait a minute! El Torito is in the Rumble?!
:'''Jerry''': I think he is!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[after Fandango nails El Torito in the head]'' PETA's gonna be upset about that. You can't abuse a bull. I hear Mantaur's his grandfather.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': JBL, you seem to know all your Royal Rumble facts. Has somebody won from every position of entering?
:'''JBL''': No, they haven't. #6, #7, #9, #10, there's a few spots that nobody has won.
:'''Michael''': You have ''way'' too much time on your hands.
:'''JBL''': It's called research, guys. It's what I do.
:'''Jerry''': He knows Willie Nelson's middle name.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fans''': ''[after all participants had entered the Rumble]'' DANIEL BRYAN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': It's a Roman Reigns moment. Is it his night? ''[Reigns flings Batista, but Batista reverses and tosses Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' Roman Reigns eliminated! Batista's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble: Batista!
:'''Michael''': Batista is going to headline WrestleMania XXX for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship!
:'''JBL''': What a showing, though, by Roman Reigns. 13 Superstars eliminated by that one man.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2015)|2015]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': ''[on entry #3: Bubba Ray Dudley]'' OH MY!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': WHAT?! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
:'''Michael''': Welcome home to Philly!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[when Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper team up on Bubba Ray]'' WE WANT D-VON!
:''[after Daniel Bryan's somewhat early elimination]'' DANIEL BRYAN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[having eliminated four people]'' Open invitation! Everyone in the back, I hope you got the message! This is Bray Wyatt's year!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[as Bray Wyatt stands alone]'' Remember, Roman Reigns set the record last year—12 eliminations in a single Rumble.
:'''Wyatt''': ''[over Cole]'' Not a damn one of you's takin' it! Not a damn one of you's takin' it!
:'''Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' Bray Wyatt is at five.
:'''Wyatt''': All of you left, let's keep this Rumble going!
:'''Michael''': #10 will soon be on his way. What a performance so far, guys, by Bray Wyatt.
:'''Jerry''': Just waiting.
:'''Wyatt''': It's only gonna take me about half a minute!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': ''[on Daniel Bryan]'' Chinese calendar says 2015 is the year of the goat; we're about to find out if that's true!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on entry #18: Adam Rose, accompanied by his Rosebuds]'' First Royal Rumble. Three people had a 100% success rate in the Royal Rumble—Brock Lesnar, Big John Studd, and Mr. McMahon.
:''[As he says this, {{w|Alexander Rusev|Rusev}} throws Kofi Kingston out of the ring over Adam's head, but Kingston is caught by the Rosebuds]''
:'''Michael''': Lookit!
:'''JBL''': ''[as the Rosebuds carry Kingston around the corner]'' But Kofi's not on the ground. Kofi's not on the ground.
:'''Jerry''': Thrown all the way over the top rope, ''[Rusev flings Rose into the ring]'' but caught by the Rosebuds.
:'''Michael''': Both feet have to hit the floor, ''[The Rosebuds prop Kingston onto the ring, then make their way back]'' and Kofi Kingston...
:'''JBL''': Those idiot Rosebuds! How stupid can they possibly be?!
:''[As he says this, Rusev eliminates Rose on the same side as Kingston, who rolls back in]''
:'''Michael''': Adam Rose eliminated by Rusev!
:'''Jerry''': And no Rosebuds to catch him!
:'''JBL''': Where were the Rosebuds?! Where did they go?! What a bunch of goofs. You can't trust a guy that dresses up like a hot dog!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[furious, pissed off and frustrated, when Big Show, Kane, and Roman are alone in the ring]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[hearing the negative chant reaction from the fans]'' WWE fans, of course, not happy with the elimination of the, the likes of Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler here tonight, after the absolute dominance here in the last few minutes by Big Show and Kane.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Kane and Big Show try to eliminate Roman]''
:'''Jerry''': Like you said, Michael, what's gonna happen between Kane and Big Show when they get rid of Roman Reigns? ''[Big Show tries to push Kane out with Roman] There's'' what's gonna happen! Look!
:''[Kane elbows Big Show, then confronts him]''
:'''Michael''': Big Show, I think...I think he was trying to keep Kane in the match.
:'''Jerry''': I don't think so. I think he was trying to eliminate Kane and Roman Reigns at the same time.
:''[Kane and Big Show start trading blows]''
:'''Michael''': That's what Kane believes.
:'''Jerry''': Here they go!
:'''JBL''': Haymakers landed by these two massive men. ''[Both grab each other by the neck near the ropes]'' This is a test of wills right here.
:''[Roman picks up both men's feet...]''
:'''Michael''': Hey, Roman Reigns! Roman Reigns!
:'''Jerry''': He's got 'em! Can he do it?!
:''[...and pushes both over and out of the ring, seemingly winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Eliminates both men! Eliminates Big Show and Kane! Roman Reigns!
:'''Jerry''': Roman Reigns has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''JBL''': Roman Reigns is headed to WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Rusev, who'd been out of the ring for a little over nine minutes, re-enters]''
:'''Michael''': Guys, guys, guys, Rusev's in this! Spear! Looking back, Rusev was never eliminated!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': Rusev is still in this match! Rusev entered at #15, and looking back at my notes...
:'''Jerry''': I thought he was gone!
:'''Michael''': No, Rusev was never eliminated!
:'''Jerry''': Well, wait a minute!
:''[Roman tosses Rusev out, finally winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': But now he is! Roman Reigns is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Roman Reigns!
:'''Michael''': We have witnessed the advent of Roman Reigns! Last year, he tasted it as runner-up; this year, he wins it!
:'''JBL''': ''[on Brock Lesnar watching in the locker room]'' That's the prize that awaits Roman Reigns—Brock Lesnar.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2016)|2016]]==

:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #3. An unfamiliar theme plays and the crowd erupts at the entrance of...]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Is it? Can it be?!
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': It is!
:'''Michael''': The Phenomenal One is here! {{w|A.J. Styles|AJ Styles}}!
:'''Byron Saxton''': Oh my God!
:'''Michael''': It has been rumored for weeks that the hottest free agent in sports entertainment was heading to WWE! Styles is here!
:'''JBL''': Former IWGP Champion, same as Brock Lesnar!
:'''Byron''': An 18-year veteran, a mastermind of offensive innovation.
:'''Michael''': A star around the world. Roman Reigns realizes what he faces now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': And entering at #12 is R-Truth. R-Truth's eighth Royal Rumble Match.
:'''Bryon''': I'm just happy he knew what day the Royal Rumble was on.
:''[Once R-Truth gets to the ring, he pulls a ladder out from underneath and pushes it in]''
:'''Michael''': What is he doing? ''[R-Truth sets the ladder up in the ring]'' John, do you have any idea what he's doing?
:'''JBL''': I know what he's doing, Michael; I don't know why. He's...putting the ladder in the ring, but I don't know why.
:''[R-Truth climbs the ladder as everyone else in the ring stops to look at him.]''
:'''Michael''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no. ''[R-Truth reaches the top of the ladder and looks up to find nothing there.]'' I think R-Truth thinks this is a ladder match for the Championship.
:'''JBL''': That young man is not all there.
:'''Michael''': I think he was expecting the WWE World Title to be hung above the ring, and he'd climb the ladder to grab it.
:''[Kane pulls R-Truth down]''
:'''JBL''': That's the wrong event.
:'''Michael''': ''[during this, Kane grabs R-Truth by the neck, and pushes to eliminate him]'' Either that or the briefcase, maybe he thought it was the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and he's eliminated by Kane.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kevin Owens''': ''[to AJ Styles, before eliminating him]'' Welcome to the WWE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sheamus is about to hit a second Brogue Kick on Dean Ambrose, but Ambrose ducks in the nick of time]''
:'''Michael''': Sheamus missed; got hung up on the top rope! Sheamus barely hanging on. ''[Suddenly, Roman Reigns charges from behind and hits the Superman Punch on Sheamus. The momentum carries Sheamus over the top rope and eliminates him]'' SUPERMAN PUNCH! Sweet, sweet revenge!
:'''Byron''': ''[While Reigns' back is turned, Triple H (who entered at #30) dumps him over the top rope...]'' Whoa, wait a...
:'''Michael''': ''[...and eliminates him]'' ROMAN REIGNS ELIMINATED!
:'''Byron''': Oh my gosh. ''[Triple H performs the &quot;DX Chop&quot; in celebration]''
:'''Michael''': Roman Reigns is no longer champion! We are guaranteed to have a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and it's going to be Triple H or Dean Ambrose! The Authority and Mr. McMahon finally did it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Ambrose... ''[Dean Ambrose throws Triple H over the top rope]'' Triple H OVER THE TOP ROPE! AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT! ''[But Triple H hangs on to the rope]'' AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT!
:'''Byron''': Wait, he hung on! He hung on!
:'''Michael''': ''[Ambrose spears Triple H, but Triple H retains his grip on the rope]'' Triple H still hanging on! ''[Ambrose charges again]'' Is this gonna be it?!?
:'''JBL''': Here we go! ''[Triple H sticks his knee out, and Ambrose runs into it]''
:'''Michael''': Triple H caught him with a knee to the face! How the hell is Triple H still in this match? ''[While Ambrose is stunned, Triple H takes Ambrose over the top rope]''
:'''Byron''': Oh... oh... ''[Triple H eliminates Ambrose, winning the Rumble and the WWE World Heavyweight Championship]''
:'''Michael''': AMBROSE ELIMINATED! TRIPLE H IS A 14-TIME WWE CHAMPION!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Ladies and gentlemen, your Royal Rumble winner, and the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H!
:'''Michael''': Triple H is a 14-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion! Triple H will main event WrestleMania!
:'''Byron''': I can't believe what I'm seeing right now!
:'''Michael''': ''[Stephanie McMahon enters the ring and embraces Triple H, while Mr. McMahon stands on the apron]'' And Stephanie McMahon in the ring celebrating with her husband, as is Mr. McMahon.
:'''JBL''': What a great night for the Authority!
:'''Michael''': What an incredible Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2017)|2017]]==

:'''Dean Ambrose''': ''[after Sami Zayn asks to have his number read to him]'' 8. Sorry, I was holding it upside-down. ''[Turns the slip over]'' 8.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Enzo Amore''': My name is Enzo Amore, and I am a certified G and a bona fide stud, and you can't teach that! And this right here?! This is Big Cass, and he's...
:'''Crowd''': ''[continuing]'' ...seven foot tall, and you can't teach that!
:'''Enzo''': And he is the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble Match, and you can't teach that! Bada boom, realest guys in the room! How you doin'!
:'''Corey Graves''': If it were up to me, Enzo would be searching for Pee Wee Herman's bike in the basement of the Alamo right now.
:'''Enzo''': ''[singing with crowd] The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart...''
:'''Crowd''': ''..of Texas!''
:'''Enzo''': And there ain't no two stars shining brighter tonight than your boys Enzo and Big Cass! San Antonio, how you doin'!
:'''Corey''': King, I've had root canals I've enjoyed more than this.
:'''Enzo''': Cass, I've got a question for you.
:'''Big Cass''': What's that, Zo?
:'''Enzo''': Pretty much common knowledge, I think. What is it that they say about Texas?
:'''Big Cass''': Hmm, I think it goes something like this: everything is bigger in Texas!
:'''Enzo''': You're darn skippy, Cass! Because tonight is the biggest Royal Rumble Match of all time, and it has some of the biggest names in the history of the Royal Rumble!
:'''Big Cass''': What kinda names we talking here, Zo?
:'''Enzo''': ''[crowd shouts &quot;how you doin'&quot; after each name]'' Brock Lesnar, Braun Strowman, the Big Show, Goldberg, the Wyatt Family, the Undertaker. But I'll tell you what. None of that matters, 'cause Big Cass is entering this ring #1 like it's 1995 and he is HBK in his prime!
:'''Big Cass''': It doesn't matter if you're #2 or #30, 'cause the fact of the matter is this. When the dust settles, I will be the LAST man standing in that ring right there! Because I am winning the Royal Rumble Match, and I am going on to main-event WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Sounds pretty confident. Would that be your worst nightmare, Corey?
:'''Corey''': Yes.
:'''Big Cass''': And as for the 29 other men in this match, I will prove that there's only ''[crowd joins in]'' ONE WORD to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!
:'''Crowd''': SAWFT!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Every time I see Braun Strowman, I wonder where he parked his blue ox.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On entry #11: James Ellsworth]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''Michael Cole''': Well, I guess the WWE Universe has spoken. James Ellsworth has been all over social media lobbying for a spot in this match-up. And there's, I guess, his new girlfriend, Corey? Carmella?
:'''Corey''': Carmella's the best possible thing that could've happened to Ellsworth. Ellsworth's career has skyrocketed since these two came together.
:'''Jerry''': This guy's a total waste of skin. How on Earth did he get a place in the Royal Rumble?
:'''Corey''': King, James Ellsworth has taken AJ Styles to the limit on multiple occasions.
:'''Jerry''': You just like him because you two obviously share the same barber.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael''': Zayn with a big Helluva Kick!
:'''Jerry''': Caught him right in the jaw.
:'''Michael''': And now Corbin... ''[Baron Corbin clotheslines Braun Strowman out of the ring, eliminating him]'' ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN!
:'''Corey''': Michael Cole, you've been asking me for months: how do you stop Braun Strowman? You do it with a Lone Wolf!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Brock Lesnar has beaten down everybody as the clock ticks down]''
:'''Michael''': #27, the luckiest number in the field. Four winners over the years from this spot. Who has it?
:''[Buzzer sounds. Enzo Amore and Big Cass's music plays]''
:'''Corey''': Wait a minute, King.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Corey''': I think I know what this means.
:'''Michael''': Yeah, Corey, you could get your wish.
:'''Corey''': Oh, my God, this may be the greatest moment of my life. ''[Entry #27, Enzo Amore, enters]'' This idiot, Enzo Amore, is gonna have to go face-to-face with the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar.
:'''Jerry''': This poor schmuck, just turn around and go back to the locker room.
:'''Corey''': Keep running, Enzo. Keep running straight ahead into the storm. I am begging you, Enzo.
:'''Michael''': Lesnar with a big smirk on his face.
:'''Corey''': Put your shirt back on and go back home, Enzo.
:'''Jerry''': Or just use it as a blindfold because you're about to be in front of a firing squad.
:''[Enzo runs at Lensar, who clotheslines him]''
:'''Michael''': Lesnar turned Enzo inside-out.
:'''Jerry''': Oh. He's history already. That didn't take long.
:''[Lensar nonchalantly tosses Enzo out of the ring, eliminating him]''
:'''Michael''': Enzo eliminated by Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael''': We are down to Reigns and Orton!
:'''Corey''': Reigns is gonna do it!
:'''Michael''': Will Roman Reigns win the Rumble match for the second time in three years?
:'''Corey''': I knew it all along. Roman Reigns is gonna...
:''[As Roman Reigns runs to spear Randy Orton, Orton catches him in the RKO]''
:'''Michael''': RKO! RKO by Randy Orton! ''[As Reigns gets to his feet, Orton clotheslines him out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' Randy Orton wins the Rumble! Randy Orton's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': I was right!
:'''JoJo Offerman''': Here is your winner: Randy Orton!
:'''Michael''': The Viper strikes WrestleMania paydirt!
:'''Jerry''': This is a Randy Orton rebirth! Amazing!
:'''Michael''': Randy Orton becomes the seventh man to win two or more Rumbles. Randy Orton's won his second Rumble in eight years.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2018)|2018]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': ''[on the #11 entry, Sheamus]'' Representing The Bar, they have a Tag Team Championship opportunity later tonight, but it's the Celtic Warrior, Sheamus. Guys, back in 2012, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble Match.
:'''Byron Saxton''': Oh, not again, Heath.
:''[Sheamus tosses Heath Slater, who has been unable to enter the match in 11 minutes, into the ring]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': There, you got in the ring, Heath. He's in the ring. ''[The very moment Sheamus enters and stands upright, Heath clotheslines him out of the ring, eliminating him]'' AAHHH!
:'''Corey Graves''': Oh, no!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my God! Slater eliminated Sheamus on Sheamus's birthday! Tonight is Sheamus's birthday, and he was eliminated by Slater!
:'''Corey''': Sheamus's birthday's on Rusev Day?!
:'''Jerry''': That's the worst present ever. I can't believe it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roman Reigns has Shinsuke Nakamura on his shoulders and is attempting to eliminate him]''
:'''Michael''': Roman Reigns trying to power Shinsuke over the top. ''[Nakamura escapes Reigns' grasp and bounces off the ropes, missing a clothesline in the process]'' Reigns...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Nakamura slides and hits a Kinshasa on Reigns]'' Oh, no!
:'''Byron''': OH MY GOD!
:'''Michael''': Shinsuke connects, right in the face!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no! No, Roman!
:'''Michael''': And now Shinsuke Nakamura... 
:'''Byron''': Oh wait, he got him!
:'''Jerry''': No no no no no no, wait! ACK!
:'''Michael''': ''[Nakamura throws Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' ...ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS! SHINSUKE NAKAMURA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Byron''': I called it! I called it!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner of the Royal Rumble match: Shinsuke Nakamura!
:'''Michael''': Guys, Shinsuke Nakamura lasted almost 45 minutes in this match to pick up the victory in his Royal Rumble match debut tonight!
:'''Corey''': As much as Nakamura has accomplished in his storied career around the world, there is nobody that gets in this industry that doesn't dream of doing it at WrestleMania. Congratulations to the King of Strong Style!
:'''Byron''': 2 years ago to the month, Shinsuke Nakamura signed his WWE contract, and now Shinsuke Nakamura is headed to WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Renee Young''': So, Shinsuke, you've now won the right to face the champion of your choosing. So have you made a decision?
:''[Shinsuke pauses as the audience chant their choice]''
:'''Shinsuke Nakamura''': A...J...STYLES!!!
:'''Corey''': YES!
:'''Michael''': Corey, it is gonna happen. The match that the WWE Universe has wanted is gonna happen.
:'''Corey''': I could not be more excited for WrestleMania! Get me to New Orleans already! Nakamura and Styles for the WWE Championship!
:'''Byron''': The dream match, ladies and gentlemen, is going to come true.
:'''Michael''': 44 minutes, 40 seconds: the exact time that Shinsuke Nakamura lasted in the Royal Rumble. And yes indeed, Shin, you're going to WrestleMania.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': Boy, this has essentially become a singles match at this point. ''[Nikki Bella puts Asuka on her shoulders and prepares to throw her out]'' There's only one task left, and that's to throw your opponent over the top rope, which Nikki's about to do.
:'''Michael''': Asuka may be eliminated!
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': There she goes! There she goes!
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella takes Asuka over the top rope, but Asuka holds the top rope for dear life]'' Nikki Bella, with Asuka hanging on to the top rope, out to the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': She's still hanging on!
:'''Michael''': Asuka still barely in this match.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[Asuka stands up. Bella strikes Asuka, but Asuka continues to hold the ropes]'' OOH!
:'''Michael''': Nikki Bella again with a strong shot to the face, but Asuka lands on the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': I don't know how Asuka's hanging on, but she sure is. At least for now!
:'''Corey''': Disbelief on the face of Nikki.
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella charges at Asuka]'' Nikki Bella looking to use all of her momentum... 
:'''Stephanie''': Here comes Nikki!
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella runs into Asuka's boot]'' ...Asuka caught her with a kick!
:'''Corey''': ''[Asuka uses her foot to grab Bella by the neck, and then attempts to take Bella over the top rope]'' Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
:'''Michael''': And look at Asuka!
:'''Corey''': What is... 
:'''Stephanie''': ...What?
:'''Michael''': Asuka trying to eliminate Nikki in one of the most unique ways we've ever seen!
:'''Stephanie''': Oh my gosh! ''[Bella goes over the top rope, but falls to the apron]'' OH!
:'''Michael''': Nikki Bella to the apron! ''[Asuka loses her grip on the top rope and hits the apron]'' Asuka to the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': OH! Asuka almost fell!
:'''Corey''': Both women teetering on the side of the ring, just feet away from defeat.
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella gets up, and Asuka struggles to do the same]'' High stakes, high pressure! Asuka and Nikki Bella both on the apron. ''[Bella roundhouses Asuka, who falls back onto the apron]'' Both of them went over the top rope! Asuka floored! ''[Asuka kicks Bella's legs out from under her, sending her careening to the floor and winning the Rumble]'' ASUKA ELIMINATES NIKKI BELLA! 
:'''Stephanie''': OH! ASUKA DID IT! ''[applauds Asuka]''
:'''Michael''': ASUKA'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Stephanie''': Unbelievable!
:'''Corey''': ''[As he says this, the camera pans toward [[w:WWE Raw Women's Championship|Raw Women's Champion]] Alexa Bliss and [[w:WWE SmackDown Women's Championship|SmackDown Women's Champion]] Charlotte Flair, both sitting across from each other near the announcer's table]'' I knew it! I called it from the start! There was never any doubt! No one was ready for Asuka!
:'''Michael''': Asuka is a history-maker! Asuka is going to WrestleMania!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2019)|2019]]==

:'''Corey Graves''': Smart strategy by Banks, staying in close quarters with Ronda. I was questioning, I didn't know if that would be a great decision. Sasha's done it very, very well up to this point.
:'''Renee Young''': Wow, an accolade from Graves! I appreciate that.
:'''Corey''': I've never questioned Sasha Banks's talent or her abilities; I question her ability as a human being.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lacey Evans''': Tonight, y'all will witness history. My name is Lacey Evans, and I am the one and only true ''lady'' of WWE. And I am here to clean up this entire women's division.
:'''Tom Phillips''': Lacey Evans just soaking it in.
:'''Renee''': ''[as the music sounds for entry #2: Natalya]'' You don't get these moments very often, Tom, but now, Beth, [[w:The Divas of Doom|your girl]]!
:'''Beth Phoenix''': I hope Lacey enjoyed it while she had it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beth''': ''[on Corey as entry #3, Mandy Rose, enters]'' Look at the smile.
:'''Renee''': I'm so glad you're sitting next to him, Beth, and not me.
:'''Corey''': We are in the desert, but this is no oasis, it is real life! It is God's greatest creation, and the Royal Rumble Match just got downright amazing!
:'''Beth''': Do you ever talk to Mandy Rose in person, or do you just talk about her from here?
:'''Corey''': Listen, I get a little nervous, I sweat a lot, my tongue feels...swollen, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': Listen update, everybody: Mandy Rose is still in the ring.
:'''Renee''': Nobody asked, Graves, but thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[on entry #14, Kairi Sane]'' Do the same rules apply about running with a telescope as they do with scissors?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[as Naomi, in danger of elimination, walks the barrier]'' This is incredible. Never mind the fact that I'm disconsolate because Mandy Rose got eliminated, Naomi still hasn't been. ''[Naomi wobbles a little]'' This is nuts.
:'''Tom''': Again, both feet have not touched the floor, Naomi is still technically not eliminated.
:'''Corey''': I don't trust that guy with the red beard, he's probably gonna try and trip her.
:'''Beth''': I feel like I should hold my breath.
:'''Corey''': ''[as Naomi eyes the ring steps]'' There is no way, that is way too far.
:''[Naomi leaps onto the steps]''
:'''Tom''': Heck of a long jump for Naomi. Hey, wait a minute... ''[Mandy Rose yanks her down, eliminating her]'' Mandy Rose still eliminates Naomi!
:'''Corey''': That was magnificent!
:'''Renee''': Naomi's gonna beat her in the parking lot afterwards.
:'''Corey''': Hey, calm down over there! That was wonderful!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[on the mask and claws of entry #20, Zelina Vega]'' I've played ''Street Fighter'' a bunch of times, and I never remembered [[w:Vega (Street Fighter)|''that'' Vega]] looking this good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[As Charlotte Flair, who has been attacking an injured Becky Lynch (replacing Lana) for several minutes, prepares to charge at Lynch, who has to use the ropes to get up]'' The Queen has become fixated on the injured leg of Becky Lynch, and the Man can barely stand.
:'''Beth''': Charlotte Flair getting methodical, not giving any opportunities to Becky Lynch. She's measuring her.
:'''Tom''': ''[Flair charges at Lynch with a kick, but Lynch ducks and sends Flair over the top rope]'' Oh, Charlotte Flair... ''[Flair lands on the apron]'' Charlotte Flair sent over the top! Sent over the top!
:'''Renee''': ''[Lynch clotheslines Flair]'' OH!
:'''Tom''': Charlotte Flair...
:'''Renee''': ''[Flair falls to the floor, winning Lynch the Rumble]'' OH!
:'''Tom''': CHARLOTTE FLAIR'S BEEN ELIMINATED! BECKY LYNCH IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: Becky Lynch!
:'''Tom''': BECKY DID IT! BECKY DID IT! MAN, OH MAN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A nearly-eliminated Braun Strowman has just delivered a chokeslam to Seth Rollins and is about to throw Rollins out]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Much like Strowman did at the [[w:WWE Greatest Royal Rumble|Greatest Royal Rumble]], looking to dominate again here tonight and eliminate Seth Rollins, and get the matchup and the champion of his choice at WrestleMania.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': Brock Lesnar or Daniel Bryan? ''[Strowman dumps Rollins over the top rope, but Rollins stands up on the apron, and headlocks Strowman]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh, oh... W-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait! Wait! Wait!
:'''Michael''': And now Seth Rollins, now trying to eliminate Strowman! Strowman in trouble; top rope! Rollins trying to wrestle him down to the floor!
:'''Jerry''': Rollins has a death grip on his head!
:'''Michael''': ''[Rollins takes Strowman over the top rope, onto the apron]'' Strowman trying to hang on; both men are on the apron of the ring!
:'''Jerry''': Ohh… ''[Rollins, still with a headlock on Strowman, is overpowered by Strowman who lifts Rollins onto his shoulders]''
:'''Michael''': And again, the power of Strowman. Look at Strowman! ''[Rollins slips out]'' Rollins, though...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins pushes Strowman into the steel post]'' Whoa!
:'''Michael''': Posting Strowman! Strowman still on the apron.
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins superkicks Strowman in the gut, taking Strowman down]'' Oh!
:'''Michael''': Rollins to the midsection!
:'''Jerry''': One foot.
:'''Michael''': Strowman still staying alive! Rollins...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins Curb Stomps Strowman]'' OH! ACK!
:'''Michael''': ''[Strowman careens to the floor, winning Rollins the Rumble]'' SETH ROLLINS WINS!
:'''Jerry''': OH MY GOD!
:'''Michael''': ROLLINS IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa-oh!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Seth Rollins!
:'''Michael''': Seth Rollins is going to WrestleMania! Seth Rollins has won the Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2020)|2020]]==
:'''Tom Phillips''': Right now, Baszler right in at... back in it, but Charlotte -
:'''Corey Graves''': ''[Charlotte Flair, on the apron, clamps the neck of Shayna Baszler with her legs and takes her over the top rope and out, winning the Rumble]'' Whoa!
:'''Tom''': Charlotte Flair is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Charlotte Flair!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I TOLD you guys I was right. This is awesome!
:'''Tom''': She lasted 27:19 from the #17 position, and it was enough to punch her ticket to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Roman Reigns is trying to eliminate Drew McIntyre]'' Reigns is going to eliminate McIntyre and win his second Rumble! Very few men have won more than one; Roman Reigns looking to join the elite here tonight.
:'''Booker T''': ''[McIntyre holds on the top rope. Reigns eventually gives up and attempts a Spear]'' Wow, that's a lot of power by Dr- ''[Booker is cut off, as just as Roman is about to spear McIntyre, McIntyre suddenly delivers a Claymore Kick]''
:'''Michael''': CLAYMORE! CLAYMORE BY McINTYRE! McINTYRE... ''[McIntyre throws Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' WOW! DREW McINTYRE'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: Drew McIntyre!
:'''Corey''': All I can say is that it is about damn time!
:'''Michael''': Drew McIntyre has never had an opportunity at a WWE or Universal Championship. He's going to get his chance, after winning the Royal Rumble!
:'''Corey''': And there is a standing ovation at Minute Maid Park, and deservedly so. Over 40,000 fans standing in appreciation for Drew McIntyre! What an effort!
==[[w:Royal Rumble (2021)|2021]]==
:'''Tom Phillips''': And now Ripley and Belair, center of the ring... hold on a sec! ''[Rhea Ripley attempts to hit Riptide on Bianca Belair, but Belair escapes and takes Ripley up for the KOD]'' Looking for Riptide.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh no! Oh no!
:'''Bryon Saxton''': OH...
:'''Tom''': Belair! 
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:'''Tom''': Belair with the KOD... ''[Belair attempts the KOD, but Ripley lands on her feet]'' no! Ripley lands on her feet.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, this is great... Oh! Oh, no!
:'''Tom''': Ripley over the top...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Belair throws Ripley out, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, no!
:'''Tom''': BIANCA BELAIR IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Bianca Belair!
:'''Bryon''': I'm out of time... I told you, King! Congratulations Bianca Belair! The EST is headed to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Seth Rollins has Edge set up for the Stomp]'' Rollins and Edge! And Rollins going for the Stomp! ''[But Edge catches Rollins before he can execute the Stomp, grabs his legs and tries to throw Rollins out]''
:'''Samoa Joe''': Is he worth it? Oh!
:'''Michael''': Rollins trying to hang on!
:'''Joe''': Edge got him and trying to eliminate him!
:'''Michael''': Edge trying to eliminate Rollins... ''[But Rollins'' can't ''hold on, as Edge throws him out, seemingly winning the Rumble]'' ROLLINS ELIMINATED! EDGE HAS DONE IT! ''[But suddenly, Randy Orton comes in from behind and RKO's Edge]'' WAIT A MINUTE! OUT OF NOWHERE, AN RKO BY ORTON! ORTON'S BACK IN THE MATCH! Orton was never eliminated! Randy Orton... ''[Orton attempts to throw Edge out, but Edge counters it]'' EDGE!
:'''Corey Graves''': Oh... oh...
:'''Michael''': DUMPS ORTON!
:'''Corey''': ''[Edge throws Orton out, finally winning the Rumble]'' WHAT?
:'''Michael''': EDGE WINS! EDGE WINS! EDGE'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:'''Michael''': Edge wins his second Royal Rumble, 11 years to the day from his [[w:Royal Rumble (2010)|first victory]]!
:'''Joe''': An absolute unbelievable, a monumental effort!
:'''Corey''': Edge just achieved the impossible!
:'''Michael''': Over 58 minutes Edge lasted this match, to pick up the victory. And he becomes the third person in history ''[after [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] in 1995 and [[w:Chris Benoit|Chris Benoit]] in 2004]'' to win the Rumble match by running the table all the way from spot #1!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2022)|2022]]==
:'''Bryon Saxton''': ''[After staring down &quot;Rowdy&quot; Ronda Rousey for quite some time, Charlotte Flair charges at Rousey and attempts to kick her head off; Rousey, however, catches her]'' Charlotte Flair charging, getting caught by Rousey!
:'''Jimmy Smith''': Little too aggressive! Ronda Rousey underneath her... ''[Rousey throws Flair out, winning the Rumble]'' AND SHE'S ELIMINATED!
:'''Corey Graves''': NO!
:'''Jimmy''': RONDA ROUSEY REIGNS SUPREME!
:'''Mike Rome''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match, and the person who will main-event WrestleMania is: &quot;Rowdy&quot; Ronda Rousey!
:'''Corey''': We knew she was the baddest woman on the planet, and now, once again, she's the baddest woman to headline WrestleMania!
:'''Bryon''': We have not seen Ronda Rousey in action since she lost the Raw Women's Championship at Wrestlemania a couple of years ago, and she... now what a way to make your return! Ronda Rousey has punched her ticket to the main event!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Brock Lesnar has Drew McIntyre up on his shoulders]'' Lesnar with McIntyre up again! Drew McIntyre... ''[Lesnar F5's McIntyre out, winning the Rumble]'' DUMPED OVER THE TOP ROPE! Brock Lesnar's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Samantha Irvin''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match, and the person who will main-event WrestleMania: BROCK LESNAR!
:'''Michael''': 19 years after his first Royal Rumble win, Brock Lesnar repeats!

==External links==
* [http://www.wwe.com/shows/royalrumble WWE Royal Rumble] 
{{wikipedia|Royal Rumble}}

[[Category:Sports television shows]]
[[Category:WWE]]
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      <text bytes="202862" xml:space="preserve">The [[w:Royal Rumble|Royal Rumble]] is the first [[w:WWE|WWE]] [[w:Pay Per View|Pay per view]] held of each year since 1989. The attraction of each royal rumble is a battle royal where 30 men come into the ring one at a time every two minutes. The last man standing in the ring after all 30 have entered is the winner. The first Royal Rumble was held on January 24th 1988 and aired on [[w:USA Network|USA Network]]. Each Rumble thereafter has been on PPV.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1988)|1988]] ==
:'''{{w|Jesse Ventura|Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura}}''': You know, McMahon, I'm getting tired of your barbs tonight, and I'm tired of you getting down on me, and if you don't knock it off, you're gonna hear from Barry Bloom.
:'''{{w|Vince McMahon}}''': Who?
:'''Jesse''': You know who.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': ''[on #13,{{w|Jim Duggan|Hacksaw Jim Duggan}}]'' What's he gonna come in and beat everybody with a 2x4?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': How does he get the {{w|One Man Gang|Gang}} over the top? That is the question, McMahon. The Gang weighs somewhere between 450-500 pounds—how is Duggan gonna get him over the top rope?
:'''Vince''': Obviously, he'd have to do what I believe, in some sort of fashion, the Gang's momentum is heading into the rope, and with the Gang going into the rope, Duggan can get underneath, he'll go.
:'''Jesse''': There might be another way too, if he can find the 2x4.
:'''Vince''': Why's that?
:'''Jesse''': Well, he could hit the Gang with the 2x4. That would be the only equalizer I could see.
:'''Vince''': Then again, the Hacksaw himself, somewhere around the 285 pound mark...''[One Man Gang charges Duggan, who pulls the top rope down. His action sends the Gang over the top rope and onto the floor, winning Duggan the Rumble]'' Oh yes! That's it!
:'''Jesse''': He pulled the top rope down! I can't believe it. Out of all the people to win this thing, it's him?
:'''Vince''': What a smart thing to do. Hacksaw Jim Duggan drops the top rope on the One Man Gang!
:'''Jesse''': I can't believe he actually did it.
:'''{{w|Howard Finkel}}''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
:'''Jesse''': You know, with the brain power that Duggan's got, I'll bet you he tripped and fell and the Gang toppled over.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1989)|1989]] ==

:''[During the Royal Rumble drawing]''
:'''{{w|Ted DiBiase|&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase}}''': It's time for the Million Dollar Man to pick the Million Dollar number. ''[Draws his number out of the cage.]'' And the winning number is... ''[Virgil opens up the number and reveals it to DiBiase.]'' Wait a minute...''[brings in {{w|Slick (wrestling)|Slick}}]'' Uh, Slick, Slick. When you drew numbers for your men, how did it go?
:'''Slick''': ''[laughs]'' Brother! It was unbelievable!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': We should talk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura''': Look at how the Boss Man is manhandling Hogan.
:'''{{w|Gorilla Monsoon}}''': Yeah but he just got in the ring. The Hulkster's been in the ring for a half hour.
:'''Jesse''': No he wasn't! He was in there five minutes ago!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': {{w|Hulk Hogan|Hulk}} still creating mayhem for the {{w|Big Boss Man (wrestler)|Big Boss Man}}.
:'''Jesse''': Now, that's illegal! Hogan was eliminated!
:'''Gorilla''': Yes, he is, Jesse. So what?
:'''Jesse''': &quot;So what&quot;? If they'd have done that to Hogan, Monsoon, you'd have been totally irate! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': And this is what Hulkamania is all about. Going out there and flagarantly cheating. Not leaving the ring when you're eliminated. Causing someone else to be eliminated when you have no business out there.
:'''Gorilla''': Are you condoning what the Big Boss Man did; what he and the Slickster did to the Hulkster?
:'''Jesse''': That was weeks ago. I'm talking here and now, Monsoon.
:'''Gorilla''': Sorry, you could only go back to the last couple of minutes then, or what happened yesterday.
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yesterday's gone. It's today that counts.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[seeing {{w|Mike Jones (wrestler)|Virgil}} outside the ring after DiBiase has entered]'' Hey, he's not supposed to be out there!
:'''Jesse''': Well who knows, Virgil could be number 31.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I'll tell you something though, Gorilla. As bad as it looks for the Million Dollar Man right now, don't count him out yet.
:'''Gorilla''': Why, because Virgil's still out there?
:'''Jesse''': No, because he's a darn good wrestler.
:''[Just as he says this, {{w|Big John Studd}} tosses DiBiase out, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, there he goes! ''[Virgil jumps in and attacks Studd]'' Look out, Virgil from behind. ''[Studd turns around and fights him throughout]'' Big John just turned around and faced him, didn't even acknowledge those shots he got. Virgil is indeed in trouble. Just like a rag doll. You're talking about 280 pounds of man there.
:'''Jesse''': This is definitely a little bit of an added attraction, isn't it?
:'''Gorilla''': The Royal Rumble is over, John Studd is the winner; he's just having...this is some creme on the cake, Jess.
:'''Jesse''': Well, I got to admit, Virgil kind of brought it on himself. But you got to respect Virgil, he's a paid bodyguard and he came in and tried to do his job.
:''[As he says this, Studd tosses Virgil out]''
:'''Gorilla''': There goes the 31st man.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner of the Royal Rumble: Big John Studd!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1990)|1990]] ==

:'''Jesse &quot;The Body&quot; Ventura''': Not even Mickey and Goofy could get in here and I made sure of that. They didn't have tickets. Do you have a ticket,  Schiavone?
:'''{{w|Tony Schiavone}}''': No I don't.  I... what are you insinuating?
:'''Jesse''': Then what are you doing here?
:'''Tony''': I just wanted to sit beside you if that's okay.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Mean Gene Okerlund}}''': Last year, ''allegedly'', Ted DiBiase, you drew #30, which would be advantageous...
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': &quot;Allegedly&quot;? Allegedly? No. Last year, little man, I ''drew'' #30!
:'''Mean Gene''': Well some suspected there might've been a little chicanery, but certainly that wouldn't happen this year, with all the added security of World Wrestling Federation president Jack Tunney, you're not gonna be buying...
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Security? You call that security? I call it downright gestapolism ''[sic]''. I didn't even have the opportunity to ''draw'' my own number!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, Ted DiBiase, you asked Virgil to draw the number for you.
:'''Ted DiBiase''': I didn't ask Virgil to draw the number!
:'''Mean Gene''': Well, of course you did!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Virgil, did I ask you to draw the number! No! Shut up, don't say anything! You made a mistake, I...I can't believe this!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, what number did you draw?
:'''Ted DiBiase''': None of your business what number I...
:'''Mean Gene''': We're gonna find out sooner or later, where's the number? ''(DiBiase hands him the number)'' Oh, you couldn't have gotten a worse draw. This is #1—the worst number of the lot!
:'''Ted DiBiase''': Let me tell you something, little man. It doesn't matter whether #1, #2, or #30. What it means is I'll be the first man in the ring, I'll be the last man in the ring, and it's a golden opportunity for me to show all you 9-to-5 nickel-and-dimers out there that I'm the greatest wrestling talent in the world. I'll be there to the end, and I'll win it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I remember not too long ago on Saturday Night's Main Event, the {{w|Lanny Poffo|Genius}} upset the Champion Hulk Hogan!
:'''Tony''': He did?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. Schiavone, who won the match?
:'''Tony''': Yeah but {{w|Curt Hennig|Perfect}} was on the outside with the belt. We all know what happened.
:'''Jesse''': No yeah buts! Who won the match?
:'''Tony''': The Genius.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Hair grows back, but, Beefcake, your ribs, they may not grow back the right way.
:'''Mean Gene''': That was totally uncalled for! To the Royal Rumble—I'm sure you're gonna have to deal with the likes of Brutus &quot;The Barber&quot; Beefcake later on. Thirty of the greatest...what was the number, by the way, that you drew?
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I drew the perfect number, and everybody knows the &quot;perfect number&quot; in the Royal Rumble is #30. And you bet I choose #30! I pulled it right out! And I'm gonna tell you something right now, as I'm standing here, the Royal Rumble is gonna be just like everything else I've done in my life—absolutely perfect.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''{{w|Jake Roberts|Jake &quot;The Snake&quot; Roberts}}''': It never ceases to amaze me, what the human mind can come up with. I mean, you think of the whole concept. The Royal Rumble, this afternoon you're gonna take thirty men, and every two minutes you're gonna send somebody to that ring—a fresh man. So you're thinking to yourself, well what number might be the best? Well,  the last number would be the best, but that doesn't really mean anything, cause there's still gonna be a lot of hungry men out there, and hopefully I'll be one of those hungry men. The man that wins this match is not gonna be the man that's the best wrestler, the best athlete; it's gonna be the man that will do anything, the man that will...take that extra step, do just a little bit more than anybody else, maybe sacrifice a little bit more than anybody else. Now, me—that sounds just a lot like me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Countdown to #11]''
:'''Tony''': Here's the countdown...who will be next in the Royal Rumble?
:'''Jesse''': Uh-oh!  It's {{w|André the Giant}}!  The first member of Heenan family makes his appearance, André the Giant, The 8th Wonder Of The World.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Watch out! With a... ''[Demolition hit a double ax-handle on Andre the Giant. The momentum carries Andre over the top rope and eliminates him]'' He's out!
:'''Jesse''': They got him! {{w|Demolition (professional wrestling)|Demolition}} have accomplished a major obstacle. They've eliminated Andre the Giant!
:'''Tony''': Andre the Giant...certainly one of the favorites for the Royal Rumble...will be no more in this event.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': ''[as {{w|Barry Darsow|Smash}}, {{w|Tonga Fifita|Haku}} and {{w|Jim Neidhart}} try to lift {{w|John Tenta|Earthquake}} out of the ring]'' They've got the feet up. They got the Earthquake's feet up, they're calling for more help.
:'''Tony''': Here comes {{w|Jimmy Snuka|Snuka}}. ''[Jimmy Snuka pushes from under Earthquake]'' Underneath.
:'''Jesse''': There's four of them. Four guys can't get the Earthquake...''[DiBiase joins in]'' Here comes DiBiase–that's five.
:'''Tony''': And {{w|Dino Bravo|Bravo}}... ''[Just as Dino Bravo tries to stop them, Earthquake finally gets pushed over the top to the floor, getting eliminated]'' Oh!
:'''Jesse''': Eliminated the Earthquake! That is a major accomplishment of major teamwork of major proportions!
:'''{{w|Jimmy Hart}}''': It took five of them! FIVE OF THEM!
:'''Tony''': It took...many of them.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': {{w|Shawn Michaels}} eliminated by {{w|The Ultimate Warrior|the Warrior}}.  And {{w|Rick Martel}} eliminated by the Warrior and look at this. Look at this!!
:'''Tony''': My God.
:'''Jesse''': Hulk Hogan and the Warrior!!
:'''Tony''': There is not a person sitting down.  Everyone on their feet.  Look at the eyes of the Hulkster...the eyes of the Warrior.
:'''Jesse''': Whoa!!! What a match up this will be!  The Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan one-on-one.
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan and Warrior stare at each other]'' Hold on to your seats. This place is gonna explode.
:'''Jesse''': ''[Hogan and Warrior collide into each other]'' Whoa! Nobody moved.  Again, nobody moved.
:'''Tony''': Look at this.
:'''Jesse''': ''[Hogan runs vertically across the ring, Warrior runs horizontally.]'' Criss-cross.
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan drops face first on the mat]'' The Hulkster down...he missed a clothesline.
:'''Jesse''': OH!! And they clotheslined each other.  They're both down, unbelievable.
:'''Tony''': Absolutely incredible. These two athletes...the Hulkster, the Warrior...every man for himself going at it...and they both are down.  Listen to the fans.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': Here's the Perfect Plex! ''[Mr. Perfect plants him]'' Look at this! He could've pinned him.
:'''Tony''': ''[But Hulk Hogan escapes and rises to his knees]'' NO!
:'''Jesse''': I don't believe this.
:'''Tony''': Absolutely not. ''[Perfect tries to attack Hogan, but Hogan begins Hulking up]'' You're right in saying that Perfect is the freshest of the two, but the other is Hulk Hogan. ''[On his feet, Hogan now attacks Perfect]'' And here he comes! ''[Hogan slingshots Perfect into the turnbuckle]''
:'''Jesse''': WHOA! He put him into the post! See what Perfect did to the post!
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan continues to attack Perfect]'' Actually, he was ''saved'' by the post that time, I think.
:'''Jesse''': Saved? How do you get saved hitting the post?
:'''Tony''': Well, if he hadn't hit the post, he would've gone over the top. ''[Hogan signals to another corner]'' There he goes! ''[Hogan throws Perfect out, winning the Rumble]'' YES!
:'''Jesse''': I don't believe it!
:'''Howard''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: World Wrestling Federation Champion Hulk Hogan!
:'''Tony''': ''[Hogan takes a sign from the front row and presents it to the crowd. It reads &quot;HULKAMANIA WILL LIVE FOREVER&quot;]'' YEAH! Hulkamania will live forever!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1991)|1991]] ==

:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': {{w|Sherri Martel|Sensational Queen Sherri}}, what are you doing out here tonight?
:'''Sensational Queen Sherri''': I am here to make a public challenge, Mean Gene.
:'''Mean Gene''': To whom?
:'''Sherri''': To the Ultimate Warrior, who else? Now, {{w|Sgt. Slaughter}} has promised the Macho King {{w|Randy Savage}} that, should he win the WWF Championship tonight, he has promised the Macho King that he will — that he ''will'' grant him a championship match. Now, being the honorable and brave man that we all know Sgt. Slaughter is...
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Please!
:'''Sherri''': ...there is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that Sgt. Slaughter will do nothing more than grant and come through with every promise that he has acknowledged toward the Kingdom of the Madness. I only hope that the Ultimate Warrior is as honorable as everyone seems to think that he is. However, I have my doubts. Ultimate Warrior, if you can hear me right now, which I think you can, if you are as brave and as honorable as everyone ''says'' you are, why don't you come right out here in front of everyone and accept my challenge. I kind of think he's yellow myself. I don't think you're brave, I don't think that you're even honorable. As a matter of fact, I think that you're yellow from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. Well, where you at, Warrior? Why don't you come out here? I can tell you things about your precious Ultimate Warrior...
:''[The music hits and the Ultimate Warrior walks to the stage]''
:'''Gorilla''': Uh-oh!
:'''{{w|Roddy Piper|Rowdy Roddy Piper}}''': Look out! You asked for it, you got it!
:'''Mean Gene''': What about it?
:'''Sherri''': Yeah, what about it, Warrior? You're so honorable, you're such a wonderful champion, are you willing to grant the Macho King — should you win your WWF Title tonight, should you retain — will you give the Macho King Randy Savage a title shot? No answer? You know, I've admired you for a long time, Warrior. I've looked into those great big beautiful hazel eyes. As a matter of act, I've also looked at those lips and wondered what it would be like...and also, I've always looked at your chest...''[slowly unzips the Warrior's jacket]''...and wondered what it would be like to touch your chest. As a matter of fact, I've often admired you from afar, Warrior. ''[Slides the jacket off]'' This strong, long, wide back; and your hair, it's very wonderful, I've wondered what it would be like to see the wind blowing through your hair. So what's it gonna be, Warrior? Are you honorable, are you brave, are you gonna give the Macho King a title match if you retain that belt tonight? Come on, Warrior, can't you talk to me? Come on, what's it gonna be? Come on, Warrior, can't you say something to me? ''[Leans in and quickly kisses him, to which he smiles]'' Oh, that's the most wonderful thing, the most thrilling thing that has ever happened to me. Please, as I look into your wonderful face and I know the champion that you are, and honorable man that you are, ''[sinks to her knees]'' I know that you would grant the Macho King his title shot. Come on, Warrior, aren't you gonna grant the Macho King a title match? Come on, Warrior, tell everyone what an honorable man that you are, what a brave and wonderful champion that you are, Warrior. What is it to you? Come on, aren't you gonna give the Macho King a title match? Just say yes to me, that's all I want from you. That is all I want from you, Warrior.
:''[Warrior pauses, then spits on the stage]''
:'''Ultimate Warrior''': ''[before walking away]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 
:'''&quot;Macho King&quot; Randy Savage''': ''[having been watching the whole interview from the dressing room, now in a rage]'' You said no! You said no! I'm gonna get him now! ''[He runs out, through the audience, onto the stage, where Sherri is irate]''
:'''Gorilla''': He said &quot;no&quot; emphatically, and look at the Macho King. Is he bent out of shape.
:'''Piper''': Can you blame him? It's like being kissed by a viper.
:'''Gorilla''': Sort of backfired for them, Rod.
:'''Piper''': Medusa's got nothing on this gal!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': I wanna make this clear right now that the views of Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan do not in any way reflect the views of the World Wrestling Federation, or the Arab-Americans, or the overwhelming majority of Arabs throughout the world, for that matter.
:'''Piper''': Well, I understand that, Gorilla, but I wanna make a point. This is America, and as much as I hate his guts, you can do what you want to in America, and Slaughter is free to do. That's why our men and women are over there now. They are fighting for the right to be free! If I don't like it, I'll get in the ring and I'll do something about it, but this is America, and that's why we're all here! God bless America!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': ''[Having just thrown Sensational Queen Sherri onto Randy Savage, the Ultimate Warrior is jumped from behind by Sgt. Slaughter]'' Oh! What a hard knee. ''[Slaughter bounces Warrior's head on the second rope, attempting to choke him, as referee Dave Hebner gives Slaughter the 5-count. Slaughter breaks at 4. Just as he does, Savage gets up and winds up his scepter]'' Wait... wait... ''[Savage crowns Warrior with the scepter]'' NO!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, look at that! With the scepter right between the eyes! What is this, Hot Rod?!? It's 3-against-1 here!
:'''Piper''': The referee... The referee, I don't think, saw it! ''[Slaughter pries Warrior from the second rope]'' No! ''[He drops an elbow on Warrior and pins him]'' No, no, no... not like this!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as the referee counts]'' What is this?!?
:'''Piper''': ''[The referee counts three]'' No... oh, wait a second, NOW what? No, no... they can't allow this!
:'''Gorilla''': Certainly they're not going to allow this!
:'''Piper''': No, no... some... there's going to be officials coming out here!
:'''Gorilla''': We might have had a disqualification here, I hope.
:'''Piper''': Well it's obvious! The King came out with a scepter! ''[Hebner, unsure of what to do, wanders around aimlessly]'' COME ON!
:'''Gorilla''': Everyone in the entire building saw what the Macho King did!
:'''Piper''': No, this ain't going down like this! ''[By this time, the crowd is yelling &quot;bullshit!&quot;]'' What do ya mean, &quot;What happened?&quot; What the hell do ya think happened?
:'''Gorilla''': I think the referee, in this excitement, Hot Rod, just automatically went down and made the three-count. ''[Warrior, having come to his senses, starts to stagger out of the ring]'' But I think we have a disqualification here.
:'''Piper''': I hope so. Excitement, hell! He ought to be keeping his eyes on what's going on!
:'''Gorilla''': We haven't had any official word yet.
:'''Piper''': ''[Warrior runs out of the arena, in hot pursuit of Savage]'' Where's he going?
:'''Gorilla''': I think he's going after the Macho King.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, here is the official decision. The winner of this bout...and NEW...
:'''Gorilla and Piper''': NO! NO!
:'''Howard''': ''[as he continues, the title belt is handed to Slaughter]'' ...World Wrestling Federation Champion: Sgt. Slaughter!
:'''Piper''': Bull! Bull!
:'''Gorilla''': What a miscarriage of justice! I can't believe it!
:'''Piper''': That's bull! You're not gonna let this hang like this! I can't believe this! You puke! It took three of you!
:'''Gorilla''': I don't believe it! This is ridiculous! This is an outrage!
:'''Sgt. Slaughter''': ''[walking down the aisle, pointing to his many detractors]'' I told you!
:'''Piper''': You told us what?! You can't do nothing by yourself!
:'''Gorilla''': Well he'd better cut that thing in half, Hot Rod, and give half of it to the Macho King!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': ''[after Virgil drops the Million Dollar Belt in front of him]'' What do you think you're doing? You get down there, and pick that thing up right now, and you wrap it around my waist. Need I tell you, need I remind you one more time about your family? About your mother?
:'''Gorilla''': Give me a break.
:'''Piper''': Virgil, remember it just don't matter.
:'''DiBiase''': Pick it up!
:'''Piper''': Remember, Virgil, there comes a point...
:'''DiBiase''': Wrap it around my waist!
:'''Piper''': What, are you gonna need it for the rest of your life?!
:'''Gorilla''': How humiliating.
:''[Virgil drops to one knee and picks up the belt]''
:'''DiBiase''': That's right. That's right. Like I always say: ''everybody's'' got a price... ''[He is cut off by Virgil, who wallops him with the belt]''
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, he NAILED him!
:'''Piper''': YEAH!!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!
:'''Gorilla''': Listen to this capacity crowd, they love it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': We don't wanna forget, being that it's a rumble, it'd be okay for {{w|Mr. Fuji|Fuji}} to deck Blubber Love.
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, I'd like to see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': I'm still expecting #18 to show up. He's not officially out of here until the clock starts for the next participant.
:'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but we don't know who #18 was.
:'''Piper''': I know, but he's still got a chance to come out...maybe, I don't know, but until that clock starts again, #18 is still legal. I'm not sure...
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as the 10-second clock appears]'' I believe that is a first in the history of the Royal Rumble that the time limit ran down and nobody came through the curtain.
:'''Piper''': Too late now, 18's outta there. ''[Buzzer sounds for entry #19: {{w|Road Warrior Animal|Animal}}]'' WHOOAAA!! 
:'''Gorilla''': It's Animal from the {{w|Road Warriors|Legion of Doom}}. Well, whoever, Hot Rod, #18 was, he has forfeited his position here in the lineup, so there's no way, shape or form that he can re-enter and be victorious.
:'''Piper''': He is history, baby. If you don't got the guts, you don't belong in the building.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Piper''': How long has it been for {{w|Greg Valentine|Valentine}}?
:'''Gorilla''': Well, the Hammer has been in well over a half an hour.
:'''Piper''': What tenacity! The Model, too.
:'''Gorilla''': But you know, with Valentine, it takes fifteen minutes just to get his attention, and then he starts to get warmed up. The more you beat on him, the more he likes it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Uh-oh, we're gonna find out right now, Hot Rod, who #18 was—here comes the last entry. ''[buzzer sounds for entry #30: Tugboat]'' It's {{w|Fred Ottman|Tugboat}}.
:'''Piper''': Wait a sec.
:'''Gorilla''': That means that the Macho King was #18.
:'''Piper''': The Macho King wasn't hurt.
:'''Gorilla''': He was one of the odds-on favorites to win this thing.
:'''Piper''': I can't figure it.
:'''Gorilla''': It could be the Ultimate Warrior ran him right out of the building!
:'''Piper''': It could be! It could be. That's the only thing I can think of.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[Hulk Hogan slams Earthquake after failing to do so earlier]'' Hulk off... Yes, he got him that time!
:'''Piper''': ''[Hogan signals to the crowd]'' Throw him OUT!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[slowly, Earthquake rises to his feet]'' I can't believe this, what kind of power the Hulkster possesses... He's setting him up here, look out! ''[Hogan throws Earthquake out, winning the Rumble]'' It's over!
:'''Piper''': What a Rumble!
:'''Howard''': Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble: the Immortal Hulk Hogan!
:'''Gorilla''': Unbelievable victory by that man, Hulk Hogan! What dedication!
:'''Piper''': What guts! What a Royal Rumble!
:'''Gorilla''': ''[Hogan signals for a sign from the crowd]'' Well, Hot Rod, he wasn't going to let down our men and women in the Persian Gulf. ''[The sign says &quot;HULK RULES&quot;]'' He made a promise that he dedicated this match to all of them, and it doesn't surprise me that he's the last man in the ring.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1992)|1992]] ==

:'''{{w|Bobby Heenan|Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan}}''': Look at the New Foundation, they must've just got up.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': What do you mean they just got up?
:'''Bobby''': They still got their pajamas on.
:'''Gorilla''': I'm going to tell them you said that.
:'''Bobby''': I don't care.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Since {{w|Ric Flair}} is the real world's champion, he shouldn't even be in the rumble. He should face the winner. That would be fair. If you want to be fair to Flair,
:'''Gorilla''': Don't start with that fair to Flair to me!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': Well you know, what we're dealing with is one of the original Village People here, with his manager Jimmy Hart, who keeps kissing the belt leaving all that lipstick on it. I heard the Mountie out here saying, &quot;first thing I'm gonna do,&quot; pounds his chest, I don't know him, he's something. &quot;First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Piper's integrity!&quot; Sounds like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean. I ain't go no damn integrity! How do think I got so far? &quot;Second thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Roddy Piper's manhood!&quot; Huh? I come here to fight! I don't know what you come here to do! I come here to win two titles—I can't do that 'til I win the first one! I think ''you've'' been dreamin', I think it's been all wet too.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Alfred Hayes (wrestler)|Lord Alfred Hayes}}''': Tell me, Mr. Flair, how did you fare in the Royal Rumble drawing?
:'''Nature Boy Ric Flair''': Lord Alfred, I drew #3. To a lot of people out there, they'd say, &quot;my god, what a disadvantage you're going at.&quot; But look at it like this. When your name is Ric Flair, when you're the claimant to the ''real'' World Heavyweight Championship, you know that, to make everybody a believer, that I've gotta beat 29 other men; so I'll get #3, that means I'll be in there close to an hour. It makes no difference—when I walk out, I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion, against all odds and that's the bottom line.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': And at this time, to make a brief statement prior to the Rumble’s beginning, it gives me great a great deal of pleasure to introduce to you the esteemed president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. {{w|Jack Tunney}}! ''[Tunney enters and the crowd boos]''
:'''Bobby''': Ol’ Jack &quot;On the Take&quot; Tunney.
:'''Gorilla''': Quiet!
:'''Jack Tunney''': Thank you very much Howard. I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome everyone who is watching this spectacular event with us. This is a very big undertaking for the WWF. The winner of the R—uh, this event will not only have the prestige of beating 29 other men but also be declared the undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Bobby''': ''[impatient]'' Come on let’s go!
:'''Gorilla''': Keep your pants on.
:'''Tunney''': I would like to say, in closing, may the best man win! Thank you.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, yeah yeah.
:'''Howard''': Thank you Mr. President.
:'''Bobby''': He’s been the best president since Noriega.
:'''Gorilla''': Will you be serious?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': There goes the buzzer
:''[The third entrant is Ric Flair]''
:'''Bobby''': NO!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, yes!
:'''Bobby''': DAMN IT!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': That's okay. I know Perfect's got him ready. ''[Flair gives one last high-five to Mr. Perfect and enters the ring]'' He's confident.
:'''Gorilla''': Did you hear what I just said?
:'''Bobby''': What? You talking to me?
:'''Gorilla''': Yes.
:'''Bobby''': What'd you say?
:'''Gorilla''': No one ever, in the history of the Royal Rumble, has drawn numbers 1-5, and been there at the end.
:'''Bobby''': OH, SHUT UP! Take your time, Champ. Pace yourself! I'm gonna have to apologize to the people; I don't think I can be really be objective.
:'''Gorilla''': When have you ''ever'' been objective?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Flair, let {{w|Jerry Sags|Sags}} do all the work. Go over to the corner and rest, you only have two minutes...
:'''Gorilla''': You're supposed to be a broadcast journalist — be objective here.
:'''Bobby''': I told you to shut up! Leave me alone.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Back off, Ric. Let Haku do the dir... the kicking. ''[Haku attacks Flair]'' See!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, there it is!
:'''Bobby''': What the heck are you doing, Haku? Have you gone nuts?
:'''Gorilla''': Just to show you it's every man for himself.
:'''Bobby''': Oh no, no, no!
:'''Gorilla''': ...every guy that comes out here.
:'''Bobby''': This isn't fair to Flair! There are no friends, Monsoon! Only enemies—thirty enemies!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Where's Perfect?
:'''Gorilla''': They're not allowed at ringside, Brain. You know that.
:'''Bobby''': He's not a manager, he's an executive consultant.
:'''Gorilla''': Same thing — a pest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Shawn Michaels is making guacamole out of {{w|Tito Santana|El Matador}}.
:'''Gorilla''': He is not.
:'''Bobby''': Look at the tights; they're green.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric delivers a low blow to {{w|Davey Boy Smith|British Bulldog}}]''
:'''Gorilla''': Did you see that? Talk about desperation.
:'''Bobby''': You know what's at stake? A man'll do anything!
:'''Gorilla''': Pulling out all the stops, Ric Flair doing whatever necessary to hang in there.
:'''Bobby''': I'd do that to my own grandmother if I had to.
:'''Gorilla''': I'm sure you would.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Roddy Piper saves Flair from a Jake Roberts DDT]''
:'''Bobby''': I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Roddy. It's a kilt. It's not a skirt, it's a kilt.
:''[Not long after, Piper attacks Flair]''
:'''Bobby''': You no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak! It's not a kilt, it's a skirt!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on #19, Jimmy Snuka]'' He's jogging. He's wasting time, he's wasting energy. He's not conserving his energy or his time.
:'''Gorilla''': He's not wasting time.
:'''Bobby''': I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
:'''Gorilla''': I know you don't.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Savage with a high knee... ''[Randy Savage eliminates Jake &quot;The Snake&quot; Roberts]'' Jake is out of there!
:''[Savage leaps over the top rope (seemingly eliminating himself) to continue fighting Jake]''
:'''Bobby''': Savage is out too! Savage is out, he went over the top! He made the mistake of a lifetime!
:''[Undertaker exits to pull Savage off]''
:'''Gorilla''': {{w|The Undertaker|Undertaker}} went underneath that bottom rope, but I think the Macho Man has eliminated himself. What a mistake!
:'''Bobby''': I think he did.
:'''Gorilla''': That's what happens when your heart takes over your mind.
:'''Bobby''': You can't let your loved ones control your pocketbook.
:''[Undertaker throws him back into the ring]''
:'''Gorilla''': Well, Undertaker threw him back in, but I don't think that's gonna help him.
:''[Savage breaks free and chases down Jake]''
:'''Bobby''': Oh, I know what it is, Monsoon! Since...Savage wasn't thrown over the top rope, so that means he can go back in. No one threw him over the rope; I believe that's one of the rules of the Royal Rumble.
:'''Gorilla''': I'll have to check that out, Brain; I'll take your word for it right now.
:'''Bobby''': ''[as the Undertaker once again tosses Savage back in]'' See, the referee's letting him go back in. Somebody has to throw him out.
:'''Gorilla''': He certainly is — you have to be propelled by someone else.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Flair's low blow]'' He just tried to lift the Undertaker.
:'''Gorilla''': He did not.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Virgil]'' Don't forget, at one time, he had that Million Dollar Championship belt.
:'''Gorilla''': He certainly did.
:'''Bobby''': Of course, he stole it, but he still had it.
:'''Gorilla''': He did not!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Virgil just came out, right? #23, right?
:'''Gorilla''': Yes
:'''Bobby''': Just think, who knows how many bags he's gone through in the back!
:'''Gorilla''': Oh, will you stop?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': I'm soaking wet, I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid, get me something to drink!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': He is right now the all-time record holder, in excess of 55 minutes. Congratulations are in order for Ric Flair.
:'''Bobby''': Give him the title, that's good enough for me!
:'''Gorilla''': No, I'm not giving him the title.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': We've only got one entry left. No secret involved here; the guy who drew #30 is gonna be coming out in five seconds. It will be no surprise—it is {{w|The Warlord (wrestler)|the Warlord}}.
:'''Bobby''': But you never know.
:''[The buzzer sounds]''
:'''Gorilla''': What do you mean, you never know?
:'''Bobby''': You never know what Tunney and the WWF'll pull on you!
:'''Gorilla''': It could only be one guy.
:'''Bobby''': ''[as #30, The Warlord enters the arena]'' I told you—the Warlord. I was right. I knew it, I was right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': ''[as Hogan tries to kick Flair out of the ring]'' {{w|Sid Eudy|Justice}} just watching. Flair hooking that bottom rope... ''[Sid Justice tosses Hogan out completely, eliminating Hogan and allowing Flair to inch back in]'' And look at from behind, Justice got rid of Hulk!
:'''Bobby''': Uh-oh. I don't like the looks of things now. There are no friends...
:'''Sid Justice''': ''[to Hogan, who's complaining to the referees]'' It's every man for himself, big boy!
:'''Bobby''': There are no friends, only enemies!
:'''Gorilla''': Boy, is Hulk upset. Look, he's...he's saying, &quot;you've stolen my belt!&quot; ''[Hogan grabs Sid's arm, trying to pull him out]'' Look at this! Hulkster holding on, trying to pull him out. It's Flair from behind.
:''[Hogan keeps pulling as Flair pushes Sid over the top rope onto the floor, winning the Rumble and the WWF Championship]''
:'''Bobby''': OH YES! YES! YES YES YES YES...
:'''Gorilla''': Flair did it!
:'''Bobby''': YES! YES! YES! YES! He did it! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, Monsoon! I told you, I told you! YES! YES! YES! ''[continues over Howard's announcement]'' YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! I told you!
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Royal Rumble and undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion: Ric Flair!
:'''Gorilla''': Flair did it, I don't believe it!
:'''Bobby''': He did it! He did it! I knew he'd do it! I knew he'd do it! All you humanoids know!
:''[Hogan chases Flair out of the ring, where Mr. Perfect meets him and raises his hand down the aisle]''
:'''Gorilla''': What a man Ric Flair proved to be...
:'''Bobby''': I'm gonna meet him! I'm gonna meet him!
:'''Gorilla''': Where are you going? The Brain has just left the broadcast position to join the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair! ''[Hogan and Sid get into a shoving match as several officials get between them]'' And two would-be champions left inside that ring. Oh, a lot of hatred shown here as we've got all kinds of referees and WWF officials to step between these two behemoths. Look at Justice, look at the Hulkster. He said, &quot;you robbed me of my title.&quot; These guys want at each other. Terry Garvin out there, Pat Patterson, Rene Goulet, Tony Garea—I don't know whether there's enough guys out there to keep these two apart. Lot of trouble in paradise here. As the Hulkster was about to, earlier on, get rid of Ric Flair, and Justice was just standing by watching, and then from the back, flipped out the Hulkster. There are no friends in the Royal Rumble. And now there are enemies, that's for sure. Two guys who were odds-on favorites; of course, Ric Flair was a favorite as well, but drawing the number 3, well, just about said goodbye to his chances. ''[Sid exits the ring]'' But he proved everybody wrong. Everybody in the world now knows what Ric Flair can do, what kind of man he is.
:'''Sid''': Come on, shithead! Come on! I'll kill ya!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Dubbed over commentary of the above moment when shown on TV weeks later.]''
:'''Gorilla''': Take a look at Justice just hanging in the corner, biding his time here. ''[Sid eliminates Hogan from behind]'' From behind, look at this! I don't believe it! Snuck up like a thief from the night from behind and dumped the Hulkster out of there! Holy mackerel!
:'''Bobby''': Listen Monsoon, he's calling him big boy! He's rubbing it in too. I like Sid Justice! I like his style. Come on Ric!
:'''Gorilla''': Look at that, he said &quot;Every man for himself!&quot;, but yes, be a man and face the guy! At least turn around and look in your face when you dump somebody out. ''[Hogan pulls Sid's arm and Ric Flair eliminates Sid winning the match and the title]'' Look at this! Ric Flair, dumping Sid out! I don't believe it!
:'''Bobby''': YES! YES! WOOOOOOOO!!
:'''Gorilla''': It is official! I can't believe for over one hour! Ric Flair is the new World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Bobby''': YES! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! YES! YES! YES! HE DID IT!
:'''Gorilla''': What a display of guts by that guy!
:'''Bobby''': And what a great move by Sid Justice to outsmart that big dummy, Hulk Hogan! YES!
:'''Gorilla''': What a creep Sid Justice turned out to be!
:'''Bobby''': Hey, I gotta go Monsoon!
:'''Gorilla''': Where are you going?
:'''Bobby''': I'm going to me the WWF World Champion! You wrap it up!
:'''Gorilla''': The Brain out of here! And look at this once again, sneaking up from behind, Sid Justice! Give me a break here! Now it's even, face to face! This is the way it should've been from the beginning.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mean Gene''': All right, by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble, we have a brand new World Wrestling Federation Champion. As the press watches on, at this time, to present the title belt to the new Champion, our president, the distinguished Jack Tunney.
:'''Tunney''': ''[shaking Ric's hand and handing him the title]'' Congratulations, Ric Flair, on becoming the undisputed Champion of the World Wrestling Federation.
:'''Flair''': Let me just say, after video-distorting the belt that proclaimed me the REAL world's champion, I'm gonna tell you all, with a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment in my life. When you walk around this world and you tell everybody you're #1, the only way you get to stay #1, is to be #1, and this is the only title in the wrestling world that makes you #1! When you are the king of the WWF, you rule the world! Think about it like that. Mr. Perfect, the Brain — WOO!!!
:'''Bobby''': Let's give a big one...
:'''Bobby, Perfect, and Flair''': WOOO!!!
:'''Bobby''': You did it! I was never so impressed with anything I've ever seen in all my life! He went out there for over sixty minutes, never took a bad step! Took it to Hogan, took it to the Undertaker, took it to whoever got in that ring! That's why he is — and you call him now — the real world's heavyweight champion!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Bobby, we're not the kind of guys to say, &quot;we told you so,&quot; but we...
:'''Bobby and Perfect''': Told you so!
:'''Mean Gene''': Very good. Ric Flair, you have made World — ''[off-camera]'' put that cigarette out! — you have made World Wrestling Federation history here tonight.
:'''Flair''': It's the greatest moment of my life. I wanna jump, I wanna party, but I gotta tell you like this. For the Hulk Hogans, and the Macho Mans, and the Pipers, and the Sids: now it's Ric Flair, and you all pay homage to the man! WOOO!!! I love it!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1993)|1993]] ==

:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': DiBiase, one half of the reigning WWF Tag Team Champions along with {{w|Mike Rotunda|Irwin R. Schyster}}, and now he and Ric Flair are doubling up on the former champion {{w|Bob Backlund}}.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Can you get arrested for beating up the elderly?
:'''Gorilla''': Will you stop?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': You know, {{w|Jerry Lawler|Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler}} is the host of ''Superstars''.
:'''Gorilla''': I thought Vince McMahon was the host of ''Superstars''.
:'''Bobby''': No, he goes and gets him coffee and stuff.
:'''Gorilla''': Will you be serious?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': I think there was a little bit more sting on the reverse knife-edges of Tenryu.
:'''Bobby''': Well, where do you think they got the word &quot;chop suey&quot;?
:'''Gorilla''': Not from that!
:'''Bobby''': Are you talking to me?
:'''Gorilla''': Forget about it. It's so deafening in here, you can barely hear yourself.
:'''Bobby''': WHAT?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look, he's got him by his tongue!
:'''Gorilla''': That's his ''tie''. If Irwin is stupid enough to wear a tie in there, then he deserves it.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, you're gonna get audited now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Last time I saw Tugboat... Typhoon... Buffoon, whatever he is, run that fast is when they opened up a lunch line at the free buffet. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Oh, who's coming out now?
:'''Gorilla''': Well, why don't you just wait a minute and find out?!?
:'''Bobby''': I'm sorry, I'm excited! So what? ''[the buzzer sounds]'' Is that you blowing your nose or is that the horn?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Now remember that, when a man sticks his hand out to shake hands with you, you shake it...and then kick him really hard when he's not looking.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[on Backlund]'' How long's he been in there now?
:'''Gorilla''': 46 minutes and counting!
:'''Bobby''': HOW COME YOU KNOW THIS STUFF AND NOT ME?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': {{w|Rikishi (wrestler)|Fatu}} is bye-bye!
:'''Gorilla''': Who eliminated him, Brain? There's so much going on!
:'''Bobby''': I think he threw himself out, I don't know.
:'''Gorilla''': Threw himself out? NOBODY WOULD DO THAT!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Backlund's been in there so long, when he entered the ring, his shoes were up to his knees!
:'''Gorilla''': WILL YOU STOP?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': There goes Backlund, there goes Backlund.
:'''Gorilla''': Tito Santana trying to get him outta there, and Backlund came down on the apron and scooted underneath the bottom rope.
:'''Bobby''': This guy's like a spider monkey! He just hooks onto things and you can't get him off!
:'''Gorilla''': And he got one hell of a reaction from this capacity crowd for that move.
:'''Bobby''': That was just totally out of respect. He's like a leech! I had an aunt once like that.
:'''Gorilla''': You resemble that remark.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[as Earthquake and {{w|Yokozuna (wrestler)|Yokozuna}} face-off]'' Look at this. Look at this. It's like the two Sears Towers meeting.
:'''Gorilla''': Earthquake says, &quot;let's get it on!&quot;
:'''Bobby''': And look at Yokozuna. &quot;Come on, big boy. Try to make ''me'' shake!&quot;
:'''Gorilla''': It is deafening here in the arena as we are live at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Bobby''': I see your lips moving, but I can't hear you!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gorilla''': Look at this. {{w|Carlos Colón, Sr.|Carlos Colon}} got &quot;The Rocket&quot; {{w|Owen Hart}} perched up there.
:'''Bobby''': No, that's Martel!
:'''Gorilla''': That's Martel, I'm sorry!
:'''Bobby''': You should be! If you can't do it right, take a hike!
:'''Gorilla''': I'm outta here.
:'''Bobby''': Don't go yet, wait a minute, I've gotta ask you another question.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Fuji's at ringside! He's waving the Japanese flag! Banzai, Macho Man!
:'''Gorilla''': Fuji with the flag from the Land of the Rising Sun.
:'''Yokozuna''': SAMOA!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Yokozuna runs to splash Savage in the corner]''
:'''Gorilla''': Fuji's saying &quot;one more time.&quot; ''[Savage gets out of the way, and Yokozuna hits the corner]'' Oh, look out! He got out of there! Savage still got something left!
:'''Bobby''': He's going up to the top rope! ''[Staggering, Yokozuna falls to the mat]'' He's down! Yokozuna's down!
:''[Savage hits the elbow on Yokozuna]''
:'''Gorilla''': Savage with the elbow. ''[Savage tries to pin Yokozuna]'' Pinfalls don't count! ''[Yokozuna pushes Savage off, over the top and to the floor, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, there you go!
:'''Bobby''': He threw him off from the floor! He pitched him from the mat over the top rope to the floor!
:'''Gorilla''': Let's go and get the official word!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Royal Rumble: Yokozuna!
:'''Gorilla''': Yokozuna on his way to WrestleMania IX! Caesar and Cleopatra, they will be leading the way for Yokozuna to Caesar's Palace for the big one. April 4, WrestleMania IX, Caesar's Palace.
:'''Bobby''': This man is going to become a national hero.
:'''Gorilla''': Who is going to defeat this unbelievable individual?

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1994)|1994]] ==

:''[After the WWF Tag Team Championship match, Owen is arguing with an injured {{w|Bret Hart|Bret &quot;Hit Man&quot; Hart}}]''
:'''&quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase''': Well it's... It's obvious to me that Owen Hart is blaming...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Owen kicks Bret in the injured leg, knocking the elder Hart down]'' Oh no!
:'''DiBiase''': HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! That's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has done all night, McMahon. As a matter of fact, that's the smartest thing that Owen Hart has ever done. I think you've just seen a major change in that man's career. He is finally waking up to the fact that he's not going to stand in the shadow of big brother anymore, because big brother wants to hog the limelight.
:'''Vince''': ''[A chorus of boos rain down on Owen as he leaves the ring]'' Can you imagine what the Hart family must be thinking back in Calgary right now? They thought we were going to see Owen and Bret, as brothers, win the Tag Team championships! Instead, they see that man right there!
:'''Owen Hart''': All he had to do was tag me, but he was too selfish to worry about me! He just worries about himself! He's gotta be a hero and fight the whole match by himself! All he had to do was tag me. I know he had a bad leg! Why didn't he just tag me?! Just tag me, Bret, but you're too damn selfish.
:'''Vince''': I can't believe those remarks!
:'''DiBiase''': ''I'' can! He hit the nail right on the head. That's exactly what I said, McMahon. That's exactly what I said, and Owen Hart has just waken up. From now on, you're gonna see a whole new attitude from that young man, and I see him going to the top.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Todd Pettengill}}''': Vince, I gotta tell you I cannot believe what I just saw. Owen, please tell me why, ''why'' this despicable act...
:'''Owen''': Why what? Why what?!
:'''Todd''': I don't understand...
:'''Owen''': You wanna know why?! Bret Hart, you're nothing but a selfish person! I went in there in a tag team match for the biggest match of my life! It was a dream come true. I thought I had the best partner in the world—my own brother. But you're too selfish, like I've said all along. Your ego is too big. You only worry about yourself, Bret. You don't care about me.
:'''Todd''': Unbelievable, in front of your entire family...
:'''Owen''': I don't care about anybody. I was concerned about myself and my whole family, the biggest opportunity of my life. I had a chance, Bret, and you stripped it away from me, you took it away from me, Bret, because you're too selfish. All you had to do was just tag me. My hand was there. Just tag me. I knew your leg was bad, I was aware of that, just tag me. But you're too ''selfish!'' You just want to put your Sharpshooter on. I could've won the match; I don't need you with a bad leg doing it, Bret. You're too damn selfish! And that's why you're sitting there with a bad leg, and that's why I kicked your leg outta your leg.
:'''Todd''': Owen, let me ask you something. You obviously cost Bret a shot at the Championship, there's no way he's gonna be able to compete in the Royal Rumble match coming up tonight. Don't you think that was selfish on ''your'' part?
:'''Owen''': There's no selfishness in me, there's not a selfish bone in my body. He cost himself the WWF Tag Team belts, and he cost me, his little brother, a guy that's never had the taste of a WWF belt before! He's done it before, he doesn't care about me, he just worries about himself. I don't care about you in the Royal Rumble, Bret, because this is my opportunity. I'm in it too. I'm not worried about ''you'' getting cost the WWF Belt. I'm worried about myself, and I'm gonna get that belt, because I didn't get a chance to win the Tag Belts because of you. But I can count on myself, and I'll take the WWF Belt. I'll win that Royal Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Undertaker''': Be not proud. The spirit of the Undertaker...lives within the soul of all mankind. The eternal flame of life...that cannot be extinguished, the origin of which...cannot be explained, the answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind...will witness the rebirth...of the Undertaker. ''I...will not rest...in peace...''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''DiBiase ''': You gotta remember one thing, McMahon. When it's all over, ''[the buzzer sounds]'' done and said, when the smoke clears and the dust settles, they don't care how...
:'''Vince''': ''[#6 is Bart Gunn]'' Here comes Bart. Here comes {{w|Mike Polchlopek|Bart Gunn}}!
:'''DiBiase''': ...they just wanna know who. When it's all over, ''who'' won. Not ''how'' they win, ''who'' won.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#7 is {{w|Kevin Nash|Diesel}}]'' Look at this monster.
:'''DiBiase''': That's one big man, McMahon. Almost as big as me.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, right.
:'''DiBiase''': Hey, if I'm standing on my wallet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#10 is Virgil, an alternate entry, who attacks Diesel]'' What a story this would be if Virgil could dump the big man out.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, the key word there, McMahon, is &quot;alternate.&quot; ''[As he says this, Diesel eliminates Virgil]'' Virgil made his mistake long ago when he left me. See what I mean?
:'''Vince''': Who is gonna stop this huge monster in the ring?
:'''DiBiase''': Next!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After entry #25 fails to enter]''
:'''Vince''': That must have been Bret. That must be Bret Hart. That's unfortunate.
:'''DiBiase''': ''[laughs]'' A matter of opinion.
:'''Vince''': Nine men currently in the Rumble, and unfortunately it would've been ten with Bret Hart, I suppose. Bret Hart wanted to be in the Rumble; it was a dream of his to be in the Royal Rumble, to win this one, and then go on to perhaps once again be the WWF Champion. It has been a bad night for Bret Hart, one that I'm sure he will never ever forget, and a bad night for the whole Hart family.
:'''DiBiase''': Not Owen! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as the buzzer sounds]'' The ring is really filling up with humanity now. Who is it? Who is it? ''[Entry #27 is, limping to the ring...]'' It's Bret Hart! It's Bret Hart!
:'''DiBiase''': I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! I'll tell you what. I'll tell you, McMahon, that's sure...he's sure showing a lot of guts!
:'''Vince''': Look at that determination! Look at that determination!
:'''DiBiase''': Yeah, look how stupid he is for risking this after he'd been hurt so bad! There's a lot of guts, but no brains at all!
:'''Vince''': I don't know what Bret can do in the ring, in the Royal Rumble, if he can do anything. But I'll tell you, if he doesn't do anything, I'll give that man credit for returning. What gumption, what guts on the part of Bret Hart.
:'''DiBiase''': I don't know what you're seeing, McMahon. I give him credit for being stupid. He's out there risking what could be his career with a severe injury, just to prove to all these people that he's got guts.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[Lex Luger has Bret Hart up in position for elimination]'' And {{w|Lex Luger|Luger}} has Bret up! And, no. ''[Bret escapes]''
:'''DiBiase''': No.
:'''Vince''': ''[Both men go over the top rope]'' It's Luger, I think... Luger threw... Luger threw Bret Hart out!
:'''DiBiase''': Well... I don't know. I don't... know. Where's the referee?
:'''Vince''': Luger... Luger - I believe, I'm not sure - threw Bret Hart out.
:'''DiBiase''': I hate to say it; I think Bret Hart threw ''Luger'' out! 
:'''Vince''': ''[Referees Joey Marella and Earl Hebner confer amongst themselves]'' Well, a discussion going on. Let's, uh... let's get the ring announcement. Here we go. Let's get... let's get the official word. Let's go now to get the official word from the ring announcer, as to who won the Royal Rumble.
:'''DiBiase''': Absolutely. The referees are still thinking about it.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble...
:'''Vince''': ''[Luger's music plays]'' Yes sir, it's Luger! What an ovation!
:'''DiBiase''': ''[Meanwhile, Hebner is yelling something to Howard]'' I don't know, McMahon. I don't know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Suddenly, Luger's music is cut off]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute... the music has stopped. ''[The two referees are conferencing with Howard]'' There's more discussion going on. ''[Hebner says something to Howard, and he prepares to make another announcement]'' Uh-oh. I think there's... Let's go up. There's another announcement to be made.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[This time, Hart's music plays]''
:'''Vince''': Well, it must be the &quot;Hit Man&quot; Bret Hart! 
:'''DiBiase''': Wow.
:'''Vince''': And he's back on his feet.
:'''DiBiase''': Wait a minute, McMahon, who won this thing? I don't think they can make up their minds. First Luger's music plays, ''[Hart's music is cut off]'' then Hart's music... they stopped it again.
:'''Vince''': Well the announcer has yet to announce exactly who won the Royal Rumble.
:'''DiBiase''': Look, the referees are arguing, they can't make up their mind. I don't think they know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Marella and Hebner take turns holding one of the wrestlers' arms up in victory]'' I've never seen this before.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, what happens NOW?!?
:'''Vince''': I think... I think, uh, the official on the left believes Bret Hart won. ''[Hebner holds Hart's arm up, while Marella holds Luger back]'' Both men went out, I guess, at approximately the same time. It was tough from our viewpoint. I thought... ''[Suddenly, WWF president Jack Tunney enters the ring]'' Wait a minute; there's president Jack Tunney.
:'''DiBiase''': I think Luger won, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': I think I'm going to agree with you, but I'm not sure. ''[Tunney steps between the two referees]'' All right, Jack Tunney between the officials. Let's go back if we have a replay; I don't know. If we have it, let's see what we can... Jack Tunney will have to make a decision here, but let's... ''[The screen shows a replay of the finish]'' Here we go. We're going to see it; here we go now. And over they go and... I don't know.
:'''DiBiase''': Wow, I don't know.
:'''Vince''': ''[Back to live action]'' I don't know. I thought it was Luger at first, but I'm not too sure after that. I'm not too sure.
:'''DiBiase''': I think it was Luger, McMahon. Luger's longer-legged.
:'''Vince''': Let's take another look at it, if we have it. If we have another angle... ''[The screen shows another angle of the finish]'' While Jack Tunney's making up his mind, you make up yours. And we go out and it's...
:'''DiBiase''': Here we go. Luger!
:'''Vince''': No, that was Bret, I think.
:'''DiBiase''': ''[Back live]'' No, I think it was Luger. ''[Tunney is talking to Howard]'' What are they doing?
:'''Vince''': Jack Tunney discussing things with the officials. No one has left this building. We are awaiting the announcement.
:'''DiBiase''': Well, when Tunney sticks his nose in this, you never know what's gonna happen.
:'''Vince''': Well, Tunney has to make a decision here, and this must be the toughest decision he'll ever make.
:'''DiBiase''': I'm telling you, Luger won it.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[Howard stops and goes to Tunney]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, wait a minute...
:'''DiBiase''': They can't figure it out!
:'''Vince''': Give me a break. Who won this thing? I thought for sure it was Luger, but I'm not too sure after those replays. We saw a number of angles.
:'''DiBiase''': I think he oughta ring the bell and just let them beat each other to the ground. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
:'''Vince''': Well, the tension is building here at the Providence Civic Center! The tension is building here!
:'''DiBiase''': I'm telling ya, I think Luger won it.
:'''Vince''': Let's go back to another replay! ''[The screen shows another replay]'' This will be the one that will determine who won! Here we go! And...
:'''DiBiase''': It looks like it, you see?!? It's Luger! I'm telling ya, Luger's feet hit the ground first.
:'''Vince''': ''[Back live]'' Let's go back. Here we go.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble... ''[pauses for a moment, with Bret yelling, &quot;Come on! Speak up!&quot;, until finally...]'' the winners are Lex Luger and Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart!
:'''Vince''': ''[The &quot;WrestleMania&quot; theme plays]'' What?
:'''DiBiase''': Oh, no.
:'''Vince''': Well, Jack Tunney may have made the only decision that he could make after those replays certainly... It was most inconclusive from our vantage point. However...
:'''DiBiase''': But, McMahon...
:'''Vince''': The question remains...
:'''DiBiase''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': Who's gonna... Who will go to ''Wrestlemania'' and face the WWF Champion? Will Bret Hart get the nod from Jack Tunney? Will Lex Luger get the nod from Jack Tunney?

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1995)|1995]] ==

:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! Due to the inability of the official...
:'''Vince McMahon''': Put that chair down!
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]''... to maintain control of this contest, he has declared this match a draw!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Can you believe this? The Heartbreak Kid drew #1! Well, you can bet Shawn Michaels won't be going to WrestleMania as the #1 contender. Michaels fooled everybody on the Action Zone earlier on—Michaels acted like he was proud of his number. It's the luck of the draw, and Shawn Michaels very unlucky here tonight at the Royal Rumble, and Michaels better get all the glory he can right now. ''[As Shawn dances off his gear in the ring]'' Oh, please, give me a break.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Let me just tell you this, McMahon. He loves being the #1 draw because of what he's doing right now. It means that it's just all that much longer he gets to strut his stuff in front of {{w|Pamela Anderson}}. But don't get your hopes up, Shawn. She might accompany him to WrestleMania, but she'll be accompanying me tonight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on entry #5, {{w|Jimmy Del Ray}}]'' I like this guy. I like him.
:'''Vince''': You like him?
:'''Jerry''': Yes.
:'''Vince''': Well, is he gonna win the Rumble?
:'''Jerry''': I don't like him that much.
:'''Vince''': Who do... you don't like him that much.
:'''Jerry''': I told you I've already gone on record, I started... I did wanna change my prediction. I went on record as predicting Shawn Michaels, but when I saw he drew #1, I thought about changing it.
:'''Vince''': To whom? Who would you choose?
:'''Jerry''': I'll tell you later.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on #7, {{w|Tom Prichard}}]'' I love this guy.
:'''Vince''': You like him?
:'''Jerry''': Yes.
:'''Vince''': Is he gonna win the Royal Rumble?
:'''Jerry''': I don't like him that much either.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Is Dink in there?
:'''Vince''': Of course not. You would see him, wouldn't you?
:'''Jerry''': No, you can't see him. He gets lost in shag carpet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look at {{w|Luke Williams (wrestler)|Luke the Bushwhacker}}—he's heading back already, but he stayed longer than he was in in 1991. He only lasted 4.9 seconds then.
:'''Vince''': What, have you got a stopwatch on?
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, look at this. See Mickey's hand?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[#16 is Mo]'' Oh no. It's Mo.
:'''Vince''': It's {{w|Mo (wrestler)|Mo}} from Men on a Mission. ''[Mo enters the ring, charges {{w|King Kong Bundy}}, and gets backdropped over the top to the floor, getting eliminated]''
:'''Jerry''': WHOO HOO HOO! WHOO HOO HOO! Look at my watch! Mo was on a mission, wasn't he? He just broke Luke's record! Ha ha ha ha! What did he last? One second?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': One of these men that you're looking at right now, one of them, and only one, will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF Champion, whomever he may be, and being escorted by Pamela Anderson.
:'''Jerry''': Woo, yeah!
:'''Vince''': And she is impressed, unquestionably...
:'''Jerry''': Look, she waved at me! Wink at me, baby!
:'''Vince''': She wasn't winking at you.
:'''Jerry''': Yes, she was.
:'''Vince''': And you don't have a date with her either.
:'''Jerry''': She loves me. I do! I'm telling you I do. I'll tell you all about it, maybe.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Shawn Michaels and Crush, they're my picks...and Lex Luger.
:'''Vince''': Make up your mind. Only one man can win.
:'''Jerry''': Last year, two won.
:'''Vince''': Yeah, that was the first time that ever happened; I would suggest the ''only'' time it'll ever happen. Never again will two men go out at the same time, and have their feet touch the floor at the very same time with both feet. I don't think that'll ever happen.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I can't believe we're back where we started!
:'''Vince''': Never before have the first two individuals who have entered the Rumble lasted to the last two! And Michaels just... Can you believe that? Davey Boy kicked him back ''into'' the ring.
:'''Jerry''': You gotta keep your feet on the mat, Shawn.
:''[The British Bulldog presses Michaels above him and racks him on the top rope]
:'''Vince''': He's outta here, see ya! ''[Bulldog swings Michaels back into the ring]'' And again, though, Davey Boy, the momentum bringing Shawn Michaels back in...''[Bulldog clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, seemingly winning the Rumble]'' Forget about it! Forget about it! Michaels has been eliminated! Yes! Yes, it finally has happened! ''[Bulldog's music plays]'' It finally has happened! The British Bulldog will go to WrestleMania and face the WWF... ''[As Bulldog celebrates in the corner, Michaels nails him from behind, sending him over and onto the floor, winning the Rumble]'' Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry''': What's the deal?
:'''Vince''': Wait just a minute!
:'''Jerry''': My prediction is true! They're saying that Shawn Michaels has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''Vince''': Michaels was eliminated by the British Bulldog! Let's go to the announcer to clear it up.
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has informed me that ''only one'' of Shawn Michaels' feet hit the floor.
:'''Vince''': What?
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' Therefore, the winner of the 1995 WWF Royal Rumble: The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
:'''Vince''': Wait a minute, we have a replay. We're told we have a replay. Shawn Michaels, ladies and gentlemen, has won this thing. I can't believe it. Let's go to the replay, let's take a look. ''[The slow-motion replay from the side shows the British Bulldog clotheslining Michaels out of the ring]'' Well, there it is, right there, the clothesline, he goes over. He's on the apron, he's hanging onto the ropes, and he's... he's... ''[Michaels holds onto the ropes, flailing his left leg from one side to the other, only allowing his right foot to touch the floor, which referees Tim White and Earl Hebner see]''
:'''Jerry''': One.
:'''Vince''': One foot, one foot.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Michaels finally rests his left leg on the ring, both referees call off the announcement. Michaels rolls back in]'' Look at that! Whoa, whoa!
:'''Vince''': One foot. One...foot!
:'''Jerry''': There it is! Two referees! Not one, but two referees.
:'''Vince''': All right, let's go back, ladies and gentlemen. There you have it! Shawn Michaels, being escorted by Pamela Anderson. And Pamela Anderson will lead Shawn Michaels into the ring at WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': She is almost as happy right now as she's gonna look with me later on. Look at her. Well, see? She's gonna have some explaining to do to me later on.
:'''Vince''': Shawn Michaels, ladies and gentlemen. But Pamela Anderson, she doesn't know what quite to make of Shawn Michaels, her boy toy. She wants to get out of there. Nonetheless, she will escort Shawn Michaels to WrestleMania, and Michaels will face the champion! Can you believe this? Michaels, the first man in, and the last man standing.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1996)|1996]] ==
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[after {{w|Goldust}} reverses a waistlock on {{w|Scott Hall|Razor Ramon}} and caresses him, who is instantly freaked out]'' I can't believe what I just saw.
:'''Vince McMahon''': That was a little different.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Maybe Goldust got what he wanted out of this match already.
:'''Vince''': Oh no, I think this man is cagey, very crafty
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Ten-yard penalty for illegal use of the hands.
:...
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Is he gonna check him for a hernia next?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Henry Godwinn has emptied a bucket of slop on everyone outside the ring]''
:'''Vince''': {{w|Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley}} covered in slop, Backlund covered in slop, here comes the King, he got some of it too.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': There's no place for that stinking slop! I think I'm at a Gallagher concert!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Will it be Yokozuna? Will it be the man they call {{w|Big Van Vader|Vader}}?
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I gotta stick with Vader.
:'''Vince''': And {{w|Savio Vega}} could very well win this thing.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': I learned a lot time ago, McMahon, you never make a redhead mad.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[on entry #21, Aldo Montoya]'' He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[#24 is Steve Austin]'' He's the winner right there, McMahon. I pick him.
:'''Vince''': And there's a good look, ladies and gentlemen, at {{w|Stone Cold Steve Austin|Steve Austin}}, known as the Ringmaster, on his way. Another Corporate member of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, and you can bet he's definitely gonna make a difference.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Look at this guy, McMahon. The Ringmaster—close enough to perfect for me. He gets my vote right now. Look at the shape this guy's in, look at how aggressive he is, look at how good he looks, reminds me of me so much.
:'''Vince''': He is cold and calculating for sure.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[#25 is {{w|Barry Horowitz}}]'' It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Barry Horriblewitz.
:'''Vince''': Call him what you will. Barry Horowitz could very well win this thing—anyone can win.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': If a nerd ends up at WrestleMania and gets the World Wrestling Federation Champion, ''I'm'' getting back in the ring.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Almost anyone would do anything to win this year's Royal Rumble matchup.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': If Horowitz wins this match, I quit. You'll never see me again.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[as Diesel clotheslines {{w|Charles Wright (wrestler)|Kama}} out of the ring, eliminating him]'' It's gonna be Diesel, no doubt about it.
:'''Vince''': Kama eliminated! It's Diesel, it's Michaels...
:''[Shawn superkicks Diesel out of the ring, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Mr. Perfect''': NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! TWO YEARS IN A ROW! That's impossible, McMahon! Impossible!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1996 World Wrestling Federation Royal Rumble: &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels!
:'''Vince''': ''[over announcement]'' Shawn Michaels is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': How does he do that?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart has been disqualified...
:'''Vince''': Aw, come on.
:'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' ...as a result of outside interference by Diesel. Therefore, the winner of this match: the Undertaker!
:'''Vince''': Diesel coming in, blatantly interfering; the Undertaker wants the WWF Championship around his waist. ''[On Diesel]'' Look at that steely cold look on the face.
:'''Howard''': However, the World Wrestling Federation Championship can ''not'' change hands on a disqualification.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Oh, boy.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Diesel cracks a little smile]'' And no one knows that better than that man right there.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Yes, that look says it all.
:'''Vince''': It does, the Undertaker... ''[Diesel gives the Undertaker the finger]'' Wait, look what Diesel just did!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Oh, come on!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': The Undertaker had piledrived Bret Hart!
:'''Mr. Perfect''': He had him beat!
:'''Vince''': But you'll never know whether or not Bret would've been pinned by the Undertaker.
:'''Mr. Perfect''': Of course he'd have been pinned!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|1997]] ==

:'''Goldust''': ''[to HHH]'' Come on, you piece of shit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I've been sitting here counting, I'm up to about 54. Why doesn't the referee count Goldust out?
:'''Jim Ross''': Why don't you ask these questions to Monsoon? He's in charge of the officials. We can't answer those questions, King.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Maybe it's because you would want to be assigned as a guest referee on occasion.
:'''Jim''': That'd be a good idea.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, you're right. I'd have already disqualified Goldust.
:'''Jim''': You'd be the {{w|Red Cashion}} of the WWF.
:'''Jerry''': What? Who?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as {{w|Ahmed Johnson}} scoops {{w|Brian Adams (wrestler)|Crush}} out of the ring]'' Taking it to Crush, and throwing him out. He's gone! Crush is gone!
:''[Crush lands on the edge and rolls back in]''
:'''Jerry''': Feet didn't hit, did they?
:'''Vince''': You're right.
:'''Jim''': That's why the referees are on the outside. No reason for them to be on the ''inside'' of the ring.
:'''Vince''': Both feet- ''[Johnson leaves the ring (going over the top rope and eliminating himself in the process) to attack {{w|Ron Simmons|Faarooq}}]'' wait a minute, wait a minute, Ahmed just eliminated himself! There's Faarooq! Ahmed going after Faarooq! Ahmed eliminated himself, and Crush is in the ring all alone!
:'''Jerry''': He ''is'' an idiot.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin eliminates Bart Gunn]'' The first time Bart held on, the second time he couldn't. And once again, Stone Cold Steve Austin is picking 'em off one at a time.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Austin, all by himself, does push-ups in the ring]'' Look at this. Please.
:'''Jim''': And he's telling us all he's in great shape. He's in fightin' shape.
:'''Vince''': He's in great condition, all right.
:'''Jim''': I'm sure he's been in a few barroom brawls.
:'''Vince''': ''[Austin now sits on the top corner]'' Look at this, patiently awaiting the next individual to come out. You talk about a man with a nasty temperament. ''[Austin looks at his wrist like a watch]'' Well, his watch is working as well as ours.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[#13 is Owen Hart]'' Oh, no, it's Bret Hart's &quot;stinking rotten&quot; brother, as Bret would say...
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Vince''': ...Owen Hart.
:'''Jim''': You mean the whiner? He whines about everything.
:'''Jerry''': Listen to you guys, he's a Slammy Award winner!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': ''[as Bulldog attempts to eliminate Austin]'' Austin's going for the ride!
:'''Jerry''': Yes!
:''[As this happens, Owen eliminates the Bulldog, and Austin avoids hitting the floor himself]''
:'''Vince''': Hey, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': I think that was Owen who eliminated Bulldog.
:'''Vince''': ''[as Owen and Bulldog argue]'' Owen Hart trying to... the Bulldog is angry.
:'''Jim''': Bulldog just called Owen an idiot!
:'''Vince''': They're tag team partners, they're Tag Team Champions!
:'''Jim''': They're brother-in-laws!
:'''British Bulldog''': He flipped me out!
:'''Jerry''': So what, you whiner. It's every man for himself.
:'''Vince''': I understand that, although Owen was professing that it was an accident. He was...
:'''Jerry''': Probably was.
:'''Vince''': ...attempting to get Stone Cold Steve Austin out.
:'''Jim''': Owen hasn't told the truth since the King was a prince.
:'''Jerry''': Oh listen to you now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on #20, {{w|Road Dogg|&quot;Double J&quot; Jesse James}}]'' The guy's a promising young singer, I wish he'd promise to stop singing.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you gotta get credit where it's due. You may not like Stone Cold, you may not like his attitude, but Austin is a competitor.
:'''Jim''': While these 60,000+ fans I'm assuming appreciate Austin's intensity, they certainly do not appreciate his attitude.
:'''Vince''': Who will be next? Who will face Stone Cold Steve Austin in less than ten seconds?
:'''Jerry''': The quicker he can eliminate them, the more time he has to rest. ''[Time expires; #21 is Bret Hart. Austin is shocked at Bret's music.]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Vince''': YES! YES! YES!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Watch this. ''[Time expires, and Jerry Lawler's music plays, revealing that he is #22]'' Oh, yeah! Hey, McMahon, watch this, baby! 
:'''Vince''': I can't believe it! You ''are'' in it! 
:'''Jerry''': ''[removing his jacket and headset]'' I said it once, and I'll say it again—it takes a king!
:'''Vince''': Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler sneaking up behind the Hitman Bret Hart!
:''[Bret turns his attention from Austin to Jerry. Punches him twice, the second one sending Jerry flying over the top rope and onto the floor, eliminating him]''
:'''Jim''': I think we just saw a record broken! I think Lawler has just broken the record!
:'''Vince''': I think you just said it takes a king...
:'''Jerry''': ''[putting headset back on]'' To know a king, McMahon! I told you!
:'''Jim''': Told us what?
:'''Jerry''': It takes a king to know a king!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Bret Hart thought this morning, when I talked to him on ''Superstars'', that he shouldn't even have to ''be'' in this matchup, that he should've come into the Royal Rumble as the WWF Champion.
:'''Jerry''': He shouldn't have even ''been'' in this matchup!
:'''Jim''': That's what I just said.
:'''Jerry''': Not because he should be the champion, it's because he shouldn't even be in the WWF! He's a jerk!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': The Hitman is concentrating on Stone Cold. If it comes down to the Hitman and Stone Cold, I say it'll be the Hitman; if it comes down to {{w|Terry Funk}} and Vader, Vader.
:'''Vince''': Stone Cold Steve Austin has been in the ring for over forty minutes.
:'''Jerry''': If it comes down to Undertaker and anybody, Undertaker.
:'''Jim''': I'll tell you, I cannot imagine the fatigue, the exhaustion that must be riveting the body of Stone Cold Steve Austin after forty minutes of hell with these guys.
:'''Jerry''': I'm not even tired.
:'''Jim ''': You must have amnesia.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': {{w|Mick Foley|Mankind}} and Funk on the far side, they're just mauling each other.
:'''Jerry''': That's a shame. I think they're doing it 'cause they like it. I'd just like to see Mankind and Terry Funk as a team.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Good-bye Austin! ''[Bret has thrown Austin out, seemingly eliminating him. The referees fail to notice, distracted by Mankind and Terry Funk brawling]''
:'''Vince''': Austin's been eliminated! 
:'''Jim''': Austin... ''wait'' a minute... 
:'''Vince''': He was in there for 34 minutes!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin sneaks back into the ring]'' Well the referees didn't see it.
:'''Vince''': Austin has been eliminated. ''[Austin eliminates the Undertaker and Vader]'' Wait a minute, the Undertaker and Vader have both just been eliminated! ''[Bret eliminates {{w|Kane (wrestler)|&quot;Diesel&quot;}}]'' Diesel's been eliminated as well! And now it's over! ''[From behind, Austin throws out Bret, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, no! NO! ''[The bell sounds]''
:'''Jim''': Wait a minute here.
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jerry''': He eliminated the Hitman! I didn't actually see Austin's feet hit the floor!
:'''Jim''': ''[As Austin leaves, Bret enters the rings berating the referees]'' Austin eliminated the Undertaker and Vader and Bret Hart, but Austin went out! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold and the referees didn't see it, and Bret Hart is not gonna stand for it!
:'''Jerry''': Maybe his feet didn't hit the floor, Ross.
:'''Jim''': I saw it! I was sitting right here, King! I didn't even see the monitors!
:'''Vince''': Imagine Bret Hart...imagine what's going on in his mind. Stone Cold was eliminated—we saw it, we called it—the officials were over there with Mankind and Terry Funk and didn't see it.
:'''Jim''': Bret Hart's obsession with winning the WWF Title is so evident! Bret cannot believe it! Bret Hart eliminated Stone Cold, and neither referee saw it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Vince''': You want to talk championships, you gotta be talking about the World Wrestling Federation championship, in a match that Bret Hart wishes that he was in and apparently it looks like it just won't happen. And you can hear everyone booing. A very unpopular decision, the way that Stone Cold Steve Austin &quot;won&quot; the Royal Rumble.
:'''Jim''': Well quite frankly, it was a...I don't wanna say it was a bad call. Both officials were on one side of the ring. That's bad officiating, folks! That's why we have two officials. The referees were out of position. Bret Hart's got a very legitimate gripe.
:'''Jerry''': Please stop whining! It's the referee's decision! The decision's been made and it's final. How many times have you watched a baseball game or a football game, and the replay shows something different from what the referee saw? It's over!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1998)|1998]] ==

:'''Road Dogg Jesse James''': Just like your precious {{w|San Francisco 49ers|49ers}}, your precious LOD is about to become a part of history as well. Steve Young will play a major role in the Super Bowl this year—he'll be the one telling his fat wife to fetch him another brewski.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look at the idiots that are in this ring right now: {{w|Terry Funk|Chainsaw}}, {{w|Charles Warrington|Mosh}}, {{w|Mick Foley|Cactus Jack}}. I feel like calling ''Unsolved Mysteries'' and saying, &quot;hey, I found everybody.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[#6 is {{w|Dennis Knight|Phineas Godwinn}}]'' He's 6'7&quot;, 300+ pounds, he's about a biscuit away from 315. It's Phineas Godwinn — living proof of what happens when first cousins marry.
:'''Jerry''': I'm gonna tell you something — we're fixin' to have five WWF Superstars in the ring and only one brain between them, and that's in the head of {{w|Dwayne Johnson|The Rock}}.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[#20 is Ahmed Johnson]'' Ahmed Johnson, I guess he's the only man to compete in the Royal Rumble wearing earrings.
:'''Jerry''': What a fashion statement. If he was a little smarter, he'd know how stupid that looks.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Remember what's at stake: the opportunity to wrestle the WWF Champion at the biggest event in the industry, the biggest event of all time, [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XIV (1998)|WrestleMania XIV]] in Boston.
:'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' Right, and that rug has been yanked right out from under Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': If...that's the truth, that's gonna be a heartbreaker for the ol' rattlesnake.
:'''Jerry''': Brought it on himself. ''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entrant #24. Austin's music blares]'' What?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as all wrestlers stop fighting and look toward the entrance]'' Stone Cold...that's Austin's music. The action has stopped, everyone is awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Jerry''': Look out, he's from behind! ''[Austin comes in the ring from behind, attacks {{w|Marc Mero}} and eliminates him]''
:'''Jim''': Austin came from the crowd! There goes Mero! Stone Cold is like a man possessed!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': We're getting right down to the nitty gritty. Who's #28? The luck of the draw has everything to do with his. ''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entrant #28: Dude Love]'' What?!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no!
:'''Jim''': I don't believe it!
:'''Jerry''': I don't wanna believe it!
:'''Jim''': Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple-header!
:'''Jerry''': Somebody knock his head off!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin stuns the Rock]'' Stone Cold Stunner! And the Rock... ''[Austin tosses the Rock out, winning the Rumble]'' ...IS GONE! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the 1998 Royal Rumble: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': Iron Mike Tyson on his feet cheering for Austin 3:16! Stone Cold will meet the WWF Champion at WrestleMania XIV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Kane and Paul Bearer have set the casket with the Undertaker inside on fire.]''
:'''Jim''': MY GOD!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!! THE CASKET'S ON FIRE!!! THAT CASKET IS ON FIRE!! THE UNDERTAKER IS IN THAT CASKET!!!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (1999)|1999]] ==

:'''The Rock''': Now you tell the Rock, after the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, that you quit!
:'''Mankind''': Go to Hell, Rock!
:...
:'''The Rock''': Say you quit!
:'''Mankind''': You'll have to kill me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|Michael Cole}}''': Only [[w:Shawn Michaels|one other man]] in the history of the Royal Rumble has gone from #1 to win it all—Stone Cold is gonna try to become #2. There is only one Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well that's true, but let me just tell you this. You like to talk about history, I venture to say there is only one WWF Superstar that is gonna be in this very ring tonight that has ''never'' ever lost a match in his life.
:'''Michael''': And who is that?
:'''Jerry''': That is Mr. McMahon.
:'''Michael''': Oh, please, he's never had one.
:'''Jerry''': He's never lost a match in his life! Shut up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[on entrant #6: {{w|Gillberg (wrestler)|Gillberg}}]'' It's the man called Gillberg.
:'''Jerry''': He could win this whole thing.
:'''Michael''': King, you're not serious.
:'''Jerry''': Well, maybe not.
:'''Michael''': Gillberg is 0-2. Who will be #1? Who will be his first victim? He's spending more time posing in the walkway than he is getting in the ring.
:'''Jerry''': He's got chants.
:'''Michael''': ''[as Gillberg screams out at the crowd]'' Well, Gillberg now in the Royal Rumble match. And {{w|Edge (wrestler)|Edge}}...
:''[Edge, with very little effort, pushes Gillberg out, eliminating him]'' 
:'''Jerry''': Ah, Gillberg!
:'''Michael''': Oh, please. Gillberg is in and out. So I guess we can say that Gillberg is 0-3 now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': {{w|Droz (wrestler)|Droz}} and Edge have been in the ring a long time. The longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out; and the object is to go over the top rope and both feet hit the floor, and Tiger's in danger of having a quick exit.
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute, the longer you're in the ring, the easier it is to toss you out.
:'''Michael''': Yeah, the more tired you get.
:'''Jerry''': What about the man called Gillberg?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': First off, you picked {{w|Steve Blackman}} to win the Rumble match, he's been eliminated; you also picked {{w|Gangrel (wrestler)|Gangrel}} to win the Rumble match, you still have a chance to make a little money.
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know I picked Blackman. That damn Psychic Network lied to me.
:'''Michael''': Did they give you the tip on Gangrel as well? And here's Gangrel...
:'''Jerry''': I'll never listen to Dionne Warwick again. She's an idiot.
:'''Michael''': ...who almost won the European Championship match in a great match against X-Pac earlier tonight.
:'''Jerry''': I'm calling LaToya Jackson.
:'''Michael''': Gangrel on the ropes now. Road Dogg... ''[Road Dogg launches Gangrel out of the ring, eliminating him]'' ...sends Gangrel for the ride. Road Dogg is cleaning house! Hey, King. Hey, King. You're 0-2.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The Rock is calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry''': Get him, Rock! Get him! ''[The Rock climbs up to the apron and the two fight]'' Here he goes. I knew it!
:'''Michael''': Here we go now! They're getting it on! ''[Seeing this, Mr. McMahon, with the help of the Rock...]'' Wait a minute!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Michael''': ''[...throws Austin out, winning the Rumble]'' Wait a minute! NO! NO! Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''Howard Finkel''': ''[Over Cole speaking]'' The winner of the 1999 Royal Rumble: Mr. McMahon!
:'''Jerry''': I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHAHA!
:'''Michael''': Mr. McMahon has eliminated the Rattlesnake thanks to the Rock! Mr. McMahon will face the Rock at WrestleMania, and Austin is livid!
:'''Jerry''': ''[Austin and the Rock fight all the way to the backstage area]'' Look at this!
:'''Michael''': And Austin taking out his frustrations on the champion! Austin is beating the hell out of the champion!
:'''Jerry''': But right now, Michael Cole, it doesn't matter! This is, without a doubt, the greatest night in the history of the World Wrestling Federation!
:'''Michael''': Mr. McMahon has won the Royal Rumble match! I never thought I'd ever hear myself say that! Somebody slap me in the face!
:'''Jerry''': Here!
:'''Michael''': Is this a dream?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shane McMahon''': Vince, you just won the Royal Rumble! YOU'RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': King, he didn't do it by himself; he had plenty of help. He sat here at ringside for most of the damn match!
:'''Jerry''': I don't care how he did it. He won the Royal Rumble!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2000)|2000]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': ''[as Triple H and Cactus Jack brawl in the audience during their Street Fight]'' Cactus Jack and Triple H are in a sea of humanity here!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Humanity? But this is New York City, J.R.!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[as {{w|Viscera (wrestler)|Viscera}} enters the Rumble, facing Rikishi]'' This is the old unstoppable meeting the immovable, and they're both unliftable.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Have you seen {{w|Matt Bloom|Albert's}} tongue? It's pierced, have you seen that?
:'''Jim''': I have not looked at his tongue or any other parts of his anatomy that closely, quite frankly.
:'''Jerry''': He told me that piercing didn't hurt, but then he showed me one that did.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Can we see that poor Chinese guy {{w|Taka Michinoku}} get thrown over the top rope again?
:'''Jim''': He's Japanese!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': {{w|Shoichi Funaki|Funaki's}} eliminated for about the eighth time tonight.
:'''Jerry''': At least he had a good view there for a second.
:'''Jim''': Funaki's been eliminated more times than any other Royal Rumble competitor.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Taka had to be taken to a hospital.
:'''Jerry''': Do they have some good Chinese hospitals in New York?
:'''Jim''': Will you stop that?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': My god, what a chokeslam! {{w|Big Show (wrestler)|The Big Show}} trying to break the Rock into pieces with a chokeslam!
:'''Jerry''': He told this crowd, he's telling the world, &quot;You WILL cheer for me!&quot; He said he has the Rock and he's going to win the Royal Rumble and the people will have to cheer him.
:'''Jim''': Nobody can go one-on-one, face-to-face, man-to-man, with the Big Show and survive. ''[Big Show picks Rock up as the crowd chants &quot;Rocky&quot;]'' The Rock just seconds away from being eliminated here! It's over now, King!
:'''Jerry''': Oh... good-bye Rock. I told you I was picking the Big Show.
:'''Jim''': The Big Show is toying with the Rock.
:'''Jerry''': He's picking his... picking his sides. ''[Big Show attempts to throw Rock out]'' There he goes!
:'''Jim''': ''[Suddenly the Rock grasps the top rope. The momentum carries the Big Show out. The Rock holds on to the top rope, winning the Rumble]'' OH THE BIG SHOW'S OVER!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?
:'''Jim''': THE ROCK! THE ROCK HAS WON THE RUMBLE!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT? How did THAT happen? How did the Rock do it?
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: the Rock!
:'''Jim''': How in God's name did THAT happen? It looked like the Big Show is gonna eliminate the Rock!
:'''Jerry''': I knew that the Rock would win! He's done it!
:'''Jim''': The Rock guaranteed a victory at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': He guaran-damn-teed it!
:'''Jim''': And the Rock has kept his word! He has done what he said he was gonna do!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2001)|2001]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on entry #5]'' I can't believe he actually did it. [[Drew Carey]] is actually coming out here.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Drew, don't do it, this is suicide!
:'''Jim''': One of the biggest stars in all of Hollywood, a man with a couple of weekly television shows, a guy that's gonna have his own pay-per-view on Saturday night.
:'''Jerry''': I'll tell you what. If Drew lives through this, he deserves to have everybody watch his pay-per-view on Saturday night
:'''Jim''': If I was Drew, I'd just hang around and sign some autographs.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, pretty good idea; Drew, don't hurry, don't rush anything.
:'''Jim''': Listen to the crowd chanting for Drew Carey. You never know what's gonna happen in the WWF, and by golly, ''[ {{w|Jeff Hardy}} clotheslines {{w|Matt Hardy}} over the top onto the apron]'' you never know what's gonna happen in the Royal Rumble, as Matt Hardy almost got eliminated there.
:'''Jerry''': Come on, ref, get Drew in the ring so I can see how he can handle himself against the Hardys.
:'''Jim''': ''[chuckling]'' You're sadistic.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Drew enters the ring]'' I'd like to see Drew do...try a hurricanrana, Drew! Uh-oh, he's in the ring.
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey in the ring now.
:'''Jerry''': Dropkick, Drew!
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey encouraged in this by Mr. McMahon, and I think...
:'''Jerry''': Wait, take your glasses off, you're not a Dudley!
:'''Jim''': I still think Mr. McMahon, the ol' head of jealousy...''[noticing the Hardys fighting in the outside corner]'' oh my God, look at the Hardys. They just get higher and higher, and the risk factor...''[The Hardys fall to the floor, eliminating each other]'' Matt Hardy eliminated his brother, and Jeff pulled on his shirt that was around his waist...
:'''Jerry''': ''[on Drew looking over the ropes]'' Wait, Drew's done it! Do you realize if this was over, Drew would be going to WrestleMania?!
:'''Jim''': Oh God, I shudder to think that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Kane is about to become famous. He's gonna be on the news, he's gonna be on the front page of the New York Post!
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey's asking for assistance. I hope he's got good insurance with the Screen Actors Guild.
:'''Jerry''': I can see it now. ''Access Hollywood'', ''Entertainment Tonight'', the E! Network. Look at Drew, he's calling for the Hardys to come back.
:'''Jim''': Drew Carey has been left all alone at the Royal Rumble. He's all by himself, and the Big Red Machine is a carnivore! 
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, I don't think Drew really understands what he's gotten into here tonight.
:'''Jim''': The Big Red Machine's a carnivore, and Drew Carey's a big ol' pork chop. Drew's starting to sweat Crisco.
:'''Jerry''': Hey, Drew? What do you think his blood type is? Ragu?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Kane converges on Grandmaster Sexay with the trash can]'' Ooh my god, Kane's now got a trash can.
:'''Jerry''': LOOK OUT!
:'''Jim''': ''[Kane hits Sexay with the trash can so hard he goes flying over the top rope]'' Oh, Grandmaster, ''[Kane hits Steve Blackman]'' has been knocked over the top by Kane! ''[Kane then hits Perry Saturn, then Al Snow with the trash can.]]'' The Big Red Machine... ''[Kane next hits Raven]'' ...has gone CRAZY here!
:'''Jerry''': He's on a rampage now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[after Bradshaw attacks Val Venis, saving the Rock from elimination]'' Bradshaw should've helped Val, in my estimation.
:'''Jerry''': Nah, nobody wants to help Val or any member of the Right to Censor.
:'''Jim''': Yeah, you make a good point.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': How much left can these two men have in their bodies? Austin's got the steel chair!
:'''Jerry''': Look at Kane! He's a monster! He's already up!
:'''Jim''': My God, Kane is up! Oh God, Kane is up!
:'''Jerry''': Austin, you're not a monster!
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane in the head with the steel chair]'' What a shot!
:'''Jerry''': ACK! He didn't even knock him off his feet. 
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane again]'' GOD ALMIGHTY!
:'''Jerry''': WHOA!
:'''Jim''': ''[Austin strikes Kane again]'' A shot to the skull! Austin's going to dump him!
:''[Austin bounces off the ropes and clotheslines Kane out, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jerry''': NO! OH!
:'''Jim''': KANE IS OUT! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jerry''': ''[over announcement]'' I knew he could do it!
:'''Jim''': STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! 
:'''Jerry''': I knew the Rattlesnake could win this thing! Unbelievable! 
:'''Jim''': THE BATTERED AND BLOODY RATTLESNAKE HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY BACK - HAS FOUGHT HIS WAY THROUGH HELL ITSELF TO GO TO WRESTLEMANIA!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2002)|2002]] ==

:'''Jim Ross''': Fans chanting, &quot;we want Head,&quot; at Al Snow. Al Snow and his former mannequin head.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I'll get in on that chant, but not at Al Snow.
:'''Jim''': Would you behave?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[The Undertaker stands alone in the ring, having thrown out four men]'' You don't need RE/MAX or Century 21 to tell you whose yard this belongs to, and I don't think it's for sale.
:'''Jerry''': You know what, JR? There's only one thing I wouldn't wanna be.
:'''Jim''': What's that, King?
:'''Jerry''': Next.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Matt Hardy could certainly use some help out here, couldn't he?
:'''Jim''': Yeah, he ain't likely to get it. It's every man for himself. ''[Time expires. Entry #10 is Jeff Hardy]'' But maybe so, King!
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': Here comes Jeff Hardy! 
:'''Jerry''': Now wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': Undertaker about to suplex Matt to the outside, Jeff Hardy blocked that, and now both the Hardys...
:'''Jerry''': I got a question—who picked these numbers?
:'''Jim''': They were drawn randomly. The numbers are drawn randomly ''[Lita jumps into the ring and joins the Undertaker beatdown]'' The Hardys and Lita getting some retribution for their near-career-ending injuries!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Lita is pulled out]'' They let her out there and she doesn't have a number?
:'''Jim''': ''[off the Hardys embrace]'' Look at the reunion of the Hardys! They're back on the same page! Lita's on the same page!
:'''Jerry''': No, Lita's ''off'' the page!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': And Maven! ''[He kicks the Undertaker, who is being distracted by the Hardy Boys who he has just eliminated, in the back. The momentum carries the Undertaker over the top rope and eliminates him]'' OH MY GOD! MY GOD! MAVEN FROM [[w:WWE Tough Enough#Tough Enough|''TOUGH ENOUGH'']] JUST ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!!!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?! WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': MY GOD, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Now that is... that is the biggest shocker I've ever seen at the Royal Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': You heard me right!
:'''Jerry''': Let me do it again. WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': Maven just eliminated the Undertaker, and Maven cannot believe it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[after an eliminated Austin nails Kurt Angle, Mr. Perfect, and Triple H with a chair]'' Austin may have been eliminated, King, but he's made his mark indelibly on the head of his three adversaries!
:'''Jerry''': He is the meanest, maddest snake you'll ever lay eyes on! You don't trust anybody, especially that snake right there!
:'''Jim''': The Bionic Redneck is pissed, you can count on that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Angle in trouble! Angle in trouble! 
:'''Jerry''': No, Kurt! NO! ''[Triple H clotheslines Angle out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' 
:'''Jim''': IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE GAME! THE GAME!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Your winner of the Royal Rumble match: Triple H!
:'''Jim''': He went through eight months of hell just to make it back, but many said he'd never make it! And now Triple H is going to WrestleMania! Triple H is going to meet the Undisputed WWF Champion at WrestleMania!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2003)|2003]] ==

:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that Team Angle has been ejected from this contest!
:'''Tazz''': Wait a minute, that ain't...if that's true, that ain't cool, that ain't right!
:'''Michael''': What do you mean, it's not right?
:'''Tazz''': ''[stammering]'' Well, I...maybe it is right. I don't know, I thought Team Angle was out here to learn and...observe from Kurt Angle.
:'''Michael''': Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will be a classic match-up. There is no need for Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas to be involved. I believe Kurt Angle, Tazz, deep down inside realizes that he cannot beat Chris Benoit. He brought Benjamin and Haas in here as an insurance policy—that insurance policy has been sent to the back.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[after Chris Jericho nails Shawn Michaels with a chair]'' Jericho admitted he always admired and emulated Shawn Michaels, but you'd never know it from that vile chair shot!
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know if Jericho respects anybody or anything!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Poor HBK caught off guard right from the get-go with the help, of course, from Christian and that phony entrance there; Jericho shows up from behind, low blow... ''[Jericho tosses Michaels onto the floor, eliminating him]'' ...and ousts Shawn Michaels!
:'''Jim''': Shawn Michaels eliminated by Chris Jericho! Shawn Michaels, battered and bloody, a low blow, a chair shot, the distraction, all combined to eliminate Shawn Michaels. I tell you what, I would not have called that in a million years.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''{{w|John Cena}}''': Yo, Yo, Yo!!! Thuganomics Style!
:Naw, naw, Put down your tea potties, get away from your John Hancocks
:I'm rockin this Thuganomics style
:Yo, besides open mics, one thing that gets me boiled
:Is an old school 30-man battle royal
:I'm-a win this, I'm-a make my impression
:Show Vinnie Mac that I got ruthless aggression
:The odds were even until you chose me
:Now it's 29 dudes and one ruthless MC
:Yo, it doesn't matter, kid, 'cause I'll rip your nose off
:I could batter you naked with no clothes on
:Kid, what you talkin' 'bout. Three reasons I'm-a win this
:Reason #1—I cut you up like cucumbers
:Reason #2 that you care to protest
:I'll be chokin' you like Sprewell be chokin' coaches
:Reason #3's hard for me to explain to ya
:But I'm-a win tonight and go on to WrestleMania
:The Royal Rumble's just another test I got to pass
:Y'all dudes are like a kid with one leg—you half-assed
:Yo, what you talkin' 'bout, kid. You can't touch this
:Throw the double clutches if you're down with untouches
:Yo it's my year, I suggest you take the year off.
:I'm sick like Tyson was when he bit Holyfield's ear off.
:It doesn't matter, kid. Yo, you should stop defeat me
:My style's like a swollen penis, you can't beat me.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, do you like the rap, JR?
:'''Jim''': Ninety seconds of...what the hell'd he say? Word to your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Cena's an amazing young athletic prospect on SmackDown. He's a future main event player, and you're in the main event at WrestleMania if you can win the Royal Rumble match. Cena's got his whole career ahead of him—a great young prospect, but he rapped for damn near ninety seconds.
:'''Jerry''': So what's wrong with that? He's still in the Royal Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Undertaker is staring back at an already-eliminated Batista, who he just hit with a steel chair]''
:'''Jim''': And {{w|Brock Lesnar}}...
:'''Jerry''': HEY!
:'''Jim''': LESNAR! ''[Lesnar throws out Undertaker, winning the Rumble]'' And OH YES! BROCK LESNAR'S WON THE RUMBLE! BROCK LESNAR HAS ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!
:'''Howard Finkel''': Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble match, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Jerry''': Look at the Undertaker. Yeah, he got you. He got you, Undertaker.
:'''Jim''': Brock Lesnar is now in the main event at WrestleMania! The Road to WrestleMania has begun here at the Royal Rumble!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[Undertaker reenters the ring after Brock Lesnar's win]'' Wait a minute. What's gonna happen here?
:'''Jim''': This could be another explosion.
:'''Jerry''': No, I think the Undertaker's saying...that's twice you got me. But next time you got a title, he wants a shot.
:'''Jim''': I think that's exactly what the Undertaker said: if you become the Champion again, give me my opportunity. And Brock Lesnar will give the Undertaker that opportunity.
:'''Jerry''': Undertaker had delivered that chair shot on Batista, but he took his mind off Brock Lesnar, just for a split second.
:'''Jim''': This is gonna kill Paul Heyman.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2004)|2004]] ==

:'''Batista''': Hey, Dudleys! What is it with you guys and championship matches? I mean, we whipped your ass at ''Armageddon'', we kicked your asses all over ''Raw'', we're about to beat your asses again tonight! I mean, you guys are the biggest three-time losers since the Philadelphia Eagles!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, as both men were unable to answer at the count of ten, the referee has declared that Triple H is still the World Heavyweight Champion!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': Randy Orton needs to make hay while the sun is shining, so to speak.
:'''Tazz''': What the hell does that mean, JR? I'm from Brooklyn.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tazz''': ''[after Ernest &quot;The Cat Miller is eliminated, having spent his entire stay dancing in the ring to &quot;Somebody Call My Mama&quot;]'' Good, enough of the dancing. I'm sick of the dancing.
:'''Jim''': Well, we're back down to where we started. We'll continue the wrestling portion of the Royal Rumble match.
:'''Tazz''': Somebody better call his mama. Call him a taxi to the hotel.
:'''Jim''': Cat's got plenty of time to call his mama.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Cena notices Nunzio laying low by the barrier]'' I think Nunzio's tenure in the Witness Protection Program has just come to an abrupt end.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[Benoit, on the apron, has a headlock on the Big Show]'' Benoit's a-holding, and holding, he's holding! ''[Benoit takes the Big Show off his feet and slowly, but surely, tips him over the top rope]'' The Big Show's teetering! The Big Show's teetering! Can Benoit--
:'''Tazz''': Oh my God! Oh my God! He's gonna go! JR!
:'''Jim''': THE BIG SHOW-
:'''Tazz''': Can he do it? Hang on, Show!
:'''Jim''': SHOW IS TEETERING!
:'''Tazz''': Hang on, Show!
:'''Jim''': BENOIT'S HOLDING ON!
:'''Tazz''': ''[Benoit finally throws Big Show out, winning the Rumble]'' WOWWWWWWWWW!
:'''Jim''': YES! BENOIT!!! BENOIT HAS DONE IT!
:'''Howard''': Here is your winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble match: Chris Benoit!
:'''Tazz''': Benoit's going to WrestleMania, JR, and he's getting a title shot.
:'''Jim''': Chris Benoit, for over one hour of hell, has won the Royal Rumble match before 17,289 fans! And yes, Chris Benoit's dream to headline WrestleMania has come true!
:'''Tazz''': Chris Benoit has worked has ass off for 19 years, and the day has come!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2005)|2005]] ==

:''[Batista walks into the room to draw his number for the Royal Rumble]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What the hell kind of championship match do you call that, where you have a hundred people interfering?
:'''Theodore Long''': What are ''you'' talking about? Like your World Championship match isn't gonna have a ton of interference. Everyone knows that Evolution's gonna get involved. Batista...you can even ask him; he can tell you that.
:'''Eric''': Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...
:'''Batista''': ''[having drawn]'' I just came here to get my number.
:'''Eric''': What I'm gonna do...
:'''Theodore''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Eric''': ''Raw's'' Championship match—Evolution is banned from ringside.
:'''Theodore''': Really?
:'''Batista''': Is that right?
:'''Eric''': That's right, Batista, and my decision is final. The only question is, do you wanna tell Triple H, or would you like me to?
:'''Batista''': ''[thinking about it, then smiling]'' No, I'll tell him.
:'''Theodore''': ''[to Eric, as Batista leaves]'' You know something? For once, you've done something right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': If [[w:Amy Weber|Amy]] looks good sober, can you imagine what she's gonna look like after this bottle?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Theodore''': What's gonna happen at ''No Way Out'', you will face the man that you did not pin tonight—The Big Show.
:'''JBL''': What's he gonna do, eat me? What's he gonna do? I don't care if he's from the Jurassic Age, the Triassic Age or the Chevy Classic Age; I'm gonna beat the Big Show like he's gonna eat a pizza!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Teddy Long has resolved the situation over Eddie Guerrero stealing Ric Flair's number in the Rumble]''
:'''Theodore Long''': Just a minute.
:'''Eddie Guerrero''': What? ''[Long offers hand. Eddie shakes] Olare'', Holmes you know I love you man. I gotta get me some skin -
:'''Theodore''': Eddie, ''[stops him]'' Eddie!! ''[still extends hand]'' Give it up, dawg. ''[Eddie gives Long a wallet. It turns out to be Flair's]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[to Flair]'' Hey isn't that your wallet?
:'''Ric Flair''': ''[as Teddy gives back his wallet]'' What?!! My wallet? My wallet! ''[tries to rush Eddie but Long restrains him]''
:'''Guerrero''': What are you looking at? You're lucky that's all I took, you got watch who you're hugging!
:'''Flair''': ''[to Long]'' That wallet thief's over there!! You call him when I get there.
:'''HHH''': You're a dead man, Guerrero! 
:'''Theodore''': Sorry about the confusion. ''[leaves]''
:'''HHH''': You better run. It's Evolution's night! We're gonna show everybody it's our night!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': Severe weather alert: [[w:Gregory Helms|The Hurricane]] has passed through.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[on entry #14: Muhammad Hassan]'' Unfortunately, this man is from ''Raw''.
:'''Tazz''': You proud of this guy, JR?
:'''Jim''': I am not.
:'''Tazz''': You can keep him on ''Raw'', I'll tell you that right now.
:'''Jim''': I'll make you a trade.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': What the hell is Simon Dean doing?
:'''Tazz''': I have no idea. Your ''Raw'' guys are...I don't know what the hell they're doing playing games, with all respect.
:'''Jim''': He's as goofy as a pet coon, I can tell you that right now. Look at him. He's warming up. He had all damn day to warm up! Get in the ring, you idiot! Mysterio taking out Eddie Guerrero face-first.
:'''Tazz''': ''[laughing]'' Dude's doing Hindu squats outside of the ring. ''[Edge eliminates Eddie Guerrero]'' Oh, damn it to Hell! You gotta be kidding.
:'''Jim''': Eddie Guerrero eliminated. Edge eliminating Eddie Guerrero.
:'''Tazz''': That's your fault! That's ''Raw's'' fault, because this guy on the outside's doing squats and he distracted Guerrero!
:...
:'''Jim''': ''[as Simon Dean gets in the ring]'' I hope somebody eliminates Simon Dean, like, immediately. Right now.
:'''Tazz''': Me too.
:'''Jim''': [[w:Jack Doan|John Doan]] could've eliminated him for all I care!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tazz''': ''[on entry #21: Jonathan Coachman]'' Tell me, JR, that he deserves to be in the Rumble.
:'''Jim''': I can't.
:'''Tazz''': Well, look at the arms on him. Last time I saw arms like that, they were hanging out of a nest. Give me a break, this guy's not a superstar.
:'''Jim''': Don't get mad at me about it, I didn't put him in.
:'''Tazz''': I'm mad at everybody!
:'''Jim''': Bischoff put him in.
:'''Tazz''': That's true.
:'''Jim''': Look at Coach taking his time. He's got...just so you know who he is, you ever wonder, just look at his ass—it's got &quot;Coach&quot; written all over it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Batista hoists Cena up]'' Can you say Batista Bomb?
:'''Tazz''': No, no, no!
:''[Cena shifts his weight so Batista backs into the ropes, the momentum sending both over the top rope and onto the floor]''
:'''Jim''': My God, they both went out!
:'''Tazz''': Wait, I don't know what I want. ''[Both sets of referees debate]'' Wait, who touched first?
:''[Jack Doan raises Batista's hand]''
:'''Jim''': Batista wins it!
:'''Tazz''': What?! No, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': Jack Doan is calling...Referee Jack Doan has raised Batista's hand. ''[Batista rolls back into the ring, followed by Cena and referee Jim Korderas]'' Both men went over the top rope, both men's feet obviously touched the floor.
:'''Tazz''': Wait, hold on, JR, I think...''[Korderas raises Cena's hand]'' No, ''Cena'' won! ''[Back-and-forth, the Raw referees raise Batista's hand, and the SmackDown refs Cena's]'' No, no, no, no, no...
:'''Jim''': Two ''Raw'' referees hold Batista's hand up...
:'''Tazz''': What the Hell?!?
:'''Jim''': We've got a major malfunction in the junction here. We've got two winners of the Royal Rumble, or do we?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, per order of the chairman, Mr. McMahon, he has ordered that this match be restarted!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': Batista from ''Raw'' overpowering John Cena...
:'''Tazz''': No, no, no, no ''[Batista throws Cena out, finally winning the Rumble]'' NO!
:'''Jim''': Batista beats Cena! Batista, the exclamation point, is on the sentence!
:'''Howard''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match: Batista!
:'''Jim''': It was not without controversy, but by God, we know now who's going to the main event at WrestleMania, Tazz!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2006)|2006]] ==

:'''Triple H''': ''[as the numbers are being mixed]'' You see the problem with the whole living in the fantasy world, talking about destiny. I live in reality.
:'''Randy Orton''': Reality, huh?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah, I live in reality world. Realities like...me beating you for a title, or realities of you not standing a chance tonight. I'm gonna win the Royal Rumble. Torrie, would you mind opening your box for me. ''[Torrie opens the bin and Triple H reaches in to draw a number. He pulls out a ball, Candice taps it with her wand.]'' Would you hold my ball? ''[Candice takes the empty ball and Triple H unfolds the paper containing the number]'' Kid, read 'em and weep.
:''[Triple H looks and his jaw drops]''
:'''Orton''': ''[laughing]'' Whoa, bro. Reality? Let me tell you what your reality is—you're screwed. You are screwed, man; tough luck. I'll see you out there...or maybe not.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joey Styles''': Mickie James is obsessed with Trish. She's her #1 fan, she's obsessed with Trish, and time and time again she's attacked Ashley just because...well, for no reason, quite frankly. Just because when anyone gets near Trish, Mickie James goes crazy.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well, who wouldn't go crazy when you get near Trish?
:'''Joey''': Oh, you know what I mean.
:'''Jerry''': I would love to be that striped shirt that Trish is wearing. Can you imagine being ''that'' close to Trish?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I can usually read a woman like a book—I prefer the Braille edition—but Mickie James, I can't get a read on her at all.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Rey Mysterio drew #2, looked up in the skies, the heavens, and said, &quot;Eddie, you got me.&quot; Maybe Eddie just wanted to watch Rey for a long time tonight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;	
:''[Randy Orton is about to throw Mysterio out]''	
:'''Michael Cole''': And this is a damn shame that Triple H had to end Rey Mysterio's hopes this way.
:'''Jerry''': Well, this just shows you how...	
:'''Michael''': Orton parading around with Mysterio. ''[Mysterio grasps the top rope]'' And Rey! Rey hanging on to the top rope!	
:'''Jerry''': Rey hanging on for dear life here. ''[Suddenly Rey turns around, puts his legs between Orton's head...]'' Whoa, whoa!
:'''Michael''': And Mysterio! ''[...and does a hurricanrana, throwing Orton out and winning the Rumble]'' HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
:'''Jerry''': No way!
:'''Michael''': REY MYSTERIO DID IT!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Rey Mysterio!
:'''Michael''': REY MYSTERIO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Jerry''': Latino Heat is alive and well! Look at this!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Rey Mysterio dedicated this match-up to Eddie Guerrero, he went for over an hour with the Eddie Guerrero logo on his wrestling tights, and Rey Mysterio has won the 2006 Royal Rumble match!
:'''Jerry''': Well, without a doubt the biggest win in Rey Mysterio's career, but it could lead to an even bigger win at WrestleMania.

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2007)|2007]] ==

:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Was that a scream of joy from Melina?
:'''Jim Ross''': I haven't made a lot of women scream, so I can't tell you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': It's been well-documented, JBL, that when Mr. Kennedy can target a body part, he will be relentless and rabid on the assault throughout the match-up, and that's what he's doing here.
:'''[[w:John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield]]''': Just what I said. Just exactly what I said! I'm sitting out here with a damn parrot!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Somebody call the San Antonio sheriff because Kennedy was robbed tonight!
:'''Michael''': Kennedy wasn't robbed. He was beaten by a game champion, by the World Heavyweight Champion, the Animal Batista.
:'''JBL''': No, he was beaten 'cause Nick Patrick had his head up his ass and laid down...ignored a World Championship count!
:'''Michael''': I guess you didn't see the low blow.
:'''JBL''': I saw the low blow! So what? You get hit in the mouth, you get hit low, that's what happens in World Championships! Kennedy, after a year of beating six World Champions, had a shot with the lights on bright, he danced his ass off, and he deserves to be walking out with that gold right now, going to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': The hard thing about the Rumble—and you know this, King—is you're out there, you're tired, you're trying to eliminate people, and all of the sudden, someone fresh comes out there and comes after you.
:'''Michael''': You guys know all about, being well, in Rumbles for a long time. JBL, you lasted 40 minutes in one Rumble; King, you lasted over 36 minutes in another.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, but I hid for 30 minutes under the ring.
:'''Michael''': Well, you stole the punchline from JBL.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on CM Punk]'' They say he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs; I call that boring, But that's okay, he's real talented.
:'''Michael''': But he's a hell of an athlete...
:'''JBL''': He's a great athlete. Obviously doesn't have much of a social life.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': King Booker claiming he never got his one-on-one rematch with Batista...
:'''JBL''': &quot;Claiming&quot;?! He never got his one-on-one rematch! That guy right there got robbed of the World Championship. He should be the one fighting Batista, not having to come out here in the Royal Rumble, but what he has the opportunity to do—''[as Booker eliminates Gregory Helms]'' Goodbye, Gregory Helms, see you later!—what he has the opportunity to do is add one more accolade to a Hall of Fame career!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': And the Hardys, who have a long history with Edge, going to work on Rated-RKO.
:'''JBL''': Well, they stole all their girlfriends.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[King Booker eliminates Kane, even though Kane already eliminated him]'' It's legal to bring a Singapore cane in there, it's legal to bring a chair in there, it's legal to come back in and you can do it! 
:'''Michael''': So...so, does that mean Kane's eliminated?
:'''JBL''': Kane is eliminated, he's over the top rope, Kane is out!
:'''Michael''': This is ridiculous!
:'''JBL''': It's not ridiculous, it's fact, Michael! It is what it is!
:'''Jerry''' It's the Royal Rumble!
:''[Buzzer sounds, signaling entry #19: Viscera]''
:'''Michael''': Uh-oh!
:'''JBL''': Here comes Visagra.
:'''Jerry''': But I don't think he's bringing any ''love'' to the Royal Rumble.
:'''Michael''': Booker and Kane are still going at it here at ringside! Booker incensed that the Big Red Machine eliminated him...
:'''JBL''': How the hell could he ''not'' be incensed? He should have never had to been in the Royal Rumble anyway!
:'''Michael''': Oh, come on, John, call the damn match!
:'''JBL''': Takes a cheap shot at him and throws him out!
:'''Michael''': That's part of the match and you know it!
:'''JBL''': He should've had...he should not have had to been in the Royal Rumble, Michael! I'm begging you to be unbiased!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Is there anybody in there capable of lifting Viscera over the top rope?
:'''Michael''': Like I said before, seven men it took in Viscera's [[w:Royal Rumble (1994)|debut]].
:'''JBL''': I don't know how many men Viscera's gonna ''eat''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': JBL, did Michael Cole just compare Rob Van Dam to Gumby?
:'''Michael''': I said he was Gumby-''like''.
:'''JBL''': Disgusting. I deal with this every week.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': CM Punk is a popular young star. He's got a huge future ahead of him, whether he wins this Royal Rumble or not.
:'''JBL''': Needs to start drinking though.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Here comes {{w|The Miz|Miz}}, at #29.
:'''Jerry''': Miz!
:'''JBL''': Don't worry, King, I hate him too.
:'''Michael''': And Miz... ''[The Great Khali picks Miz up and tosses him out of the ring, eliminating him]'' Well, he may have set a record.
:'''JBL''': The Warlord had the record at three seconds—did Miz just beat it?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[The Great Khali has eliminated seven men, and four lie in the ring]'' The power, the strength, who can stop the Great Khali?!
:'''JBL''': Absolutely nobody.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as the buzzer sounds for entry #30]'' I'd have second thoughts about coming out...
:''[Funeral bell sounds, meaning only one man...]''
:'''JBL''': Here we go!
:'''Michael''': Maybe there ''is'' someone! Maybe there is someone! The legendary Phenom, the Undertaker!
:'''JBL''': But nobody has come in at #30 and won the Royal Rumble ever.
:'''Michael''': It's never happened, but Undertaker has faced, he has battled, he has taken out Khali before.
:'''JBL''': The roof is about to blow off this place!
:'''Jerry''': It doesn't get any better than this!
:'''JBL''': Throw some gasoline on the fire! My God, I love it!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Who would believe that the 20th Royal Rumble, the most star-studded, is quite frankly the best of them all?!
:'''Jerry''': JBL, right now, who do you think? Who's got the most gas left in the tank?
:'''JBL''': ''[as Shawn prepares to superkick the Undertaker]'' This is how Shawn Michaels eliminated Diesel! Here we go!
:'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels eliminated Edge like that! ''[Undertaker catches him]'' Went for Sweet Chin Music! Got caught! ''[Undertaker picks him up, and throws him out, winning the Rumble]'' And Undertaker has eliminated Shawn Michaels! Undertaker is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble: The Undertaker!
:'''Michael''': For the first time in his illustrious career, the Undertaker has won the Royal Rumble match!
:'''JBL''': Going to WrestleMania, the main event. The Undertaker, 14-0 in WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': You wanna go to the top of the mountain? Get this tape and watch it over and over and over again because that is the best in the business and how they fight!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': (after Undertaker wins the Royal Rumble) Get ready, WrestleMania! The Deadman's coming!

== [[w:Royal Rumble (2008)|2008]] ==

:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, from the mecca of sports and entertainment, Madison Square Garden, New York City, this is the moment the world has been waiting for: the 2008 Royal Rumble! The rules are as follows: the superstars who drew #1 and #2 will start. Once the match begins, another superstar will enter every 90 seconds based upon the number drawn earlier tonight. This will continue until all 30 superstars have entered the ring. The only way to be eliminated is to be thrown over the top rope with both feet hitting the ground. The last man in the ring will be declared the 2008 Royal Rumble winner. And along with his triumphant place in history, he will be awarded a championship match at WrestleMania XXIV!
:And now, the time has arrived. 30 superstars shall enter this ring, but only one will be victorious. Are you ready?! ''[The crowd cheers]'' Madison Square Garden, New York City, USA, are...you... ''[drawing it out] ready?!'' ''[Another cheer]'' For the sold-out, standing room only thousands in attendance here at the Garden and the millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen...''LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Joey Styles''': How would you like to share a subway car with Snitsky at about midnight?
:'''Jim Ross''': I wouldn't want to share a Subway ''sandwich'' with Snitsky at midnight.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Buzzer sounds for #30. The music plays and doors open for...]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Jim''': Wait a minute. What the hell?!
:'''Tazz''': What is this?!
:'''Jim''': IT'S JOHN CENA! JOHN CENA, #30!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh!
:'''Joey''': This is unbelievable!
:'''Tazz''': You gotta be kiddin' me!
:'''Joey''': Oh, my God!
:'''Michael Cole''': Triple H's expression told the entire story!
:'''Jim''': The roof is exploding off of Madison Square Garden! John Cena, the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble match! And yes indeed, business just picked up!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': These men, somehow, someway, are able to stand, and it's the Game who rises first. ''[Triple H hoists John Cena on his shoulders and attempts to throw him out, but Cena holds on to the bottom rope]'' Cena! Cena now in a precarious position! Cena holding on to the top rope, but the Game, so strong, so powerful, with the heart and the soul to headline WrestleMania! ''[Cena gets off Triple H's shoulders and attempts to FU him]'' And Cena counters!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa! WHOA!
:'''Jim''': But not for long, Cena countered! ''[Triple H attempts the Pedigree, but Cena counters and hoists Triple H on his shoulders]'' The counter... OH, A SHOW OF STRENGTH! ''[Cena FU's Triple H over the top rope, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jerry''': WHOA!
:'''Jim''': CENA WITH A FU, AND CENA DOES IT!
:'''Jerry''': WHOA-OH-OH!
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Royal Rumble winner is JOHN CENA!
:'''Jim''': When we started this historic night, the last man I thought that would headline WrestleMania would be John Cena because I didn't think John Cena was physically able to return to combat in the WWE! And, my, my, how wrong I was!
:'''Jerry''': Not only did John Cena return, he has prevailed! Unbelievable!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2009)|2009]]==
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[as Jeff Hardy starts to climb to the top turnbuckle]'': Jeff Hardy, willing himself! ''[suddenly Vickie Guerrero appears and tries to pull Jeff down]'' Jeff Hardy living extreme-
:'''Tazz''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, wh-
:'''Jim''': And there's Vi-
:'''Tazz''': Vickie Guerrero!
:'''Jim''': The general manager! ''[Jeff kicks Vickie off of him]'' Our general manager-
:'''Tazz''': There's no disqualification.
:'''Jim''': Here to intervene!
:'''Tazz''' ''[as Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb on Edge, who is down]'' Jeff Hardy!
:'''Jim''': Swanton Bomb! And that should do it!
:'''Tazz''': Can Jeff capitalize? Can Jeff sow it in for the cover?
:'''Jim''': Edge, down. Edge not moving. 
:''' Tazz''' ''[as the referee starts the 3-count]'' Got him, got him!-
:''[Vickie then grabs the referee to stop the count]''
:'''Jim''': Aw, come on!
:'''Tazz''': Wow.
:'''Jim''' ''[as Vickie is screaming at the referee]'': The general manager interrupted the count, or I personally guarantee you this one would be over!
:''[suddenly Matt Hardy comes out to the ring, steel chair in hand, and pushes Vickie into the ring]''
:'''Tazz''': Whoa, Matt Hardy!
:'''Jim''' ''[as Matt corrals Vickie to the corner of the ring]'': And now the tables got a little bit ho - set a little differently!
:'''Tazz''': Yeah, no disqualification here!
:'''Jim''': Jeff's brother Matt... ''[Matt hands Jeff the chair amidst Vickie's screaming]'' ...handing him a legal weapon. ''[Jeff prepares to hit Edge with the chair, but Matt stops him, then goes outside the ring to pick up the other chair laying on the floor]'' The Hardys...
:'''Tazz''': Ho-ho-ho-ha-ha!
:'''Jim''': Shades of ''TLC''!
:'''Tazz''' ''[as Jeff lays his chair under Edge's head]'' Con-chair-to city!
:''[suddenly Matt strikes Jeff in the head with the other chair. Jeff goes down and is out cold]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, my God!
:''[the crowd boos loudly as Matt stares at his fallen brother. Edge comes to, looks at Matt, pulls Jeff in and, keeping one eye on Matt, covers Jeff for the three count]''
:'''Justin Roberts''' ''[as the referee hands Edge the WWE championship belt]'': The winner of this match, and NEW WWE champion, the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:''[Edge celebrates with Vickie as Matt quietly leaves the ring and walks away]''
:'''Jim''' ''[after a long pause]'': I'm absolutely in shock. I don't believe what we have just witnessed here tonight at the Royal Rumble.
:'''Tazz''': Staggering. I - ''[stammers]'' - I don't know what to say, I...
:'''Jim''': Jeff Hardy was living his dream. And now his dream has become a family nightmare.
:'''Tazz''': You know, JR, I-I don't think Edge had any idea, of any of this unfolding the way it unfolded, I - nor do I think Vickie had anything to do with this. In shocking fashion, we crowned a new WWE champion?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Both members of Cryme Tyme enter the arena during the Royal Rumble match]''
:'''Jim''': Which one's it gonna be? Big Shad or JTG?
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[as JTG pulls out a coin]'' There can only be one, they're gonna flip a coin. ''[JTG flips it, wins the toss, and goes to the ring]'' Is that a coin?
:'''Jim''': What did you think it was, a tooth?
:'''Jerry''': No telling. Could be a license plate this guys made. ''[Shad picks up the coin and can't help but smile when he sees that...]'' It's a double-sided coin!
:'''Jim''': JTG wins the toss and has elected to offend.
:'''Jerry''': It was a two-headed coin!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': In some of the pubs that Finlay frequents, this is the way they decide who picks up the tab.
:'''Jim''': Something ''you'' usually don't ever do.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim''': ''[as Santino Marella, the #28 entry, charges to the ring]'' The king of the unibrow. No offense, King. ''[The very moment Santino enters the ring, Kane clotheslines him back out, eliminating him]'' OH!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Jim''': Good lord!
:'''Santino Marella''': I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready! No! I wasn't actually prepared! I'm going back in!
:''[Most of the superstars stop fighting in the ring, amazed and/or surprised over Santino's elimination]''
:'''Jim''': That was a record! I think the Warlord's record may have been broken!
:'''Jerry''': Err.. No redos, Santino! ''[Kane laughs as the replay of the elimination is shown on screen]'' Ha!Ha!Ha! Let's see if we can time this in our heads. 1,001...one thousan...he didn't even last two seconds! About a second-and-a-half!
:'''Jim''': So Santino may have gone in the record books, but not in the way he would've liked.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H dumps Orton over the top, but he lands on the apron]''
:'''Jerry''': There goes Orton!
:'''Jim''': Orton's gon... Orton's ''not'' gone! ''[Triple H Pedigrees Cody Rhodes]'' What a Pedigree! A Pedigree to Rhodes! ''[ [[w:Ted DiBiase, Jr.|Ted DiBiase]] runs at Triple H, but Triple H sends DiBiase flying over the top rope to the floor, eliminating him]'' DiBiase's gone! We're down to three! We're down to three!
:''[Triple H tosses Cody, eliminating him]''
:'''Jerry''': There goes Rhodes! He's gone! Cody Rhodes is gone!
:''[Orton, now back in the ring, dumps Triple H out of the ring, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Jim''': Triple H...is gone! ORTON DID IT!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble: Randy Orton!
:'''Jerry''': Randy Orton from behind! Just as the Game had eliminated Cody Rhodes, Orton struck!
:'''Jim''': The Game eliminated 2/3 of Legacy, but Randy Orton took advantage of opportunity to win the 2009 Royal Rumble! And you know what this means!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Cody and Ted re-enter]'' It means that that man, Randy Orton, has a one-way ticket to the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania. But he didn't do it alone—there's his help.
:...
:'''Jim''': The Game fought and fought and fought, tried to hang on, but it was too much. The odds were too much, and now Randy Orton's legacy is this—he is guaranteed a championship match at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Orton points to the WrestleMania sign]'' 48 minutes and 27 seconds it took Randy Orton to win this Royal Rumble.
:'''Jim''': Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania to become a champion, to compete in the main event, and it's guaranteed.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2010)|2010]]==
:'''CM Punk''': ''[after eliminating Evan Bourne and Dolph Ziggler, leaving him alone in the ring]'' Let me thank you all for joining me tonight in what will be the most historic moment my Straight Edge Society has ever seen. These are just the first of 29 other men that will be thrown over the top rope, or, if they have the courage that the WWE Universe lacks, they can be saved. ''[The clock counts down from ten seconds]'' But unfortunately, not everyone can win the Royal Rumble. Excuse me, [[w:Fantastic Four|it's clobberin' time]].
:'''[[w:Matt Striker|Matt Striker]]''': Who's the next sacrifice for [[w:Thing (comics)|Ben Grimm]]?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[after Punk eliminates JTG]'' You know what the bad news there is, don't you? We're gonna have to listen to CM Punk again.
:'''Matt''': No, nothing wrong with that.
:'''CM Punk''': As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, not everybody can win the Royal Rumble match, just like not everyone can be saved. There are people here tonight that cannot, that will not ever have the reserve and dedication in their heart to follow in my footsteps. ''[The clock counts down again]'' Tonight I become the first ever straight edge Royal Rumble match winner.
:''[Buzzer sounds; entrant #5 is the Great Khali]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh boy! The Punjabi Playboy.
:'''Matt''': Let's see if CM Punk can curry favor with the Great Khali.
:'''Michael''': 7'3&quot;, 420 pounds, making his fourth Rumble appearance.
:'''Matt''': CM Punk looking at his Mary Magdalene, Serena. How is Punk going to deal with the Great Khali?
:'''CM Punk''': Great Khali, Great Khali, Great Khali, I can save you. Great Khali, I can make you...I can make you greater! I can see the pain in your eyes—you need to be saved! Please, Great Khali, raise your right hand! ''[Great Khali raises his right hand]'' Do you accept straight edge into your life?
:''[With his right hand, Khali chops Punk down]''
:'''Michael''': The straight edge chop.
:'''Matt''': CM Punk was only trying to save the Great Khali, but...''[Khali starts crushing Punk's head]'' All Khali has to do is pick Punk up and throw him over the top rope.
:'''Michael''': The skull enveloped in those hands of Khali
:'''Jerry''': Who's gonna save CM right now?
:'''Michael''': ''[as the clock counts down]'' Who will enter at #6?
:'''Jerry''': Could crush his head like a grape.
:''[Buzzer sounds; entrant #6 is Beth Phoenix, who runs to the ring]''
:'''Matt''': That's Beth Phoenix.
:'''Michael''': The Glamazon! Just the second woman in Rumble history.
:'''Jerry''': Are you serious?
:'''Matt''': ''[as Phoenix stares into Khali's eyes]'' Every Superstar is eligible but...really? ''[Khali picks her up and places her over the top rope onto the apron, pointing her to go back]'' Khali's the Punjabi Playboy. Gentle.
:'''Michael''': Chivalry is not dead.
:''[Beth kisses Khali in a mad embrace, pulling him over the top]''
:'''Matt''': Why does Khali get all the good stuff?! ''[Phoenix pulls the Great Khali onto the floor, eliminating him, and gets back in the ring]'' Never trust a woman, look at that!
:'''Michael''': Beth Phoenix has eliminated the Great Khali!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': CM Punk has so far eliminated four- well, three superstars and a diva.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': [[w:Space Oddity (song)|Ground control to Major]] [[John Hennigan|John]], this could be Starship Pain.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Awaiting #20...
:''[Shawn superkicks Triple H out of the ring, eliminating him]''
:'''Matt''': WOOOOOWWWWWW!!! ''[continues over]''
:'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music!
:'''Jerry''': Oh my God!
:'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels has eliminated Triple H! It is indeed every man for himself!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': #29 on his way.
:'''Jerry''': Who's gonna join these guys? ''[buzzer sounds; Jericho gives a shocked look as Edge's music plays.]''
:'''Michael''': HOLY–!!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': OH MY!! The Rated:-R Superstar! The former World Champion!
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Matt''': ''[refering to the immense cheers of Edge's return]'' Listen to the ovation!
:'''Michael''': It is thunderous in the Phillips Arena!
:'''Matt''': After what many thought to be a career-threatening injury, Edge has returned!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look out, here comes Edge!
:''[Edge clotheslines Michaels over the top rope, the momentum sending him over as well, with both landing on the apron.]''
:'''Michael''': Both hang on, both hang on. For a moment. But look at...teetering precariously on the apron. Oh, this is dangerous. This is dangerous for both of these men.
:''[Michaels superkicks Edge over the top and back into the ring]''
:'''Matt''': Whoa! Back ''into'' the ring, though!
:'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music... ''[Batista attacks Michaels from behind, who still hangs on by one hand]'' Batista ambushing Michaels! ''[Batista knocks Michaels' hand away and Michaels falls to the floor, getting eliminated]'' NO!!!
:'''Matt''': NO!!!
:'''Jerry''': Shawn Michaels eliminated.
:'''Matt''': Hearts have been broken right now. Everyone wanted to see Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker, the rematch
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Michaels reenters the ring, referee Charles Robinson following him]'' What's he doing? He can't...
:'''Matt''': Shawn Michaels has been eliminated.
:'''Charles Robinson''': Get out! Get out! It's over, Shawn. Get out! All right? It's over. Get out.
:'''Shawn''': You don't understand!
:'''Charles''': I can't help you! You went over the rope! What do you want me to do about it?! Let's go!
:''[Michaels superkicks Charles and falls to the mat as referee Jack Doan implores him to leave.]''
:'''Jack Doan''': Shawn, you gotta go. You gotta go.
:'''Matt''': This match meant everything to Shawn Michaels. ''[An inconsolable Michaels leaves the ring and makes his way up the aisle]'' It's the one thing in Shawn Michaels' career that he's never achieved.
:'''Michael''': That man, Batista.
:'''Matt''': Let's not lose sight of what this night is about, though—the road to WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, but I'm worried about Shawn here.
:'''Shawn''': GOD!!! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
:'''Michael''': I can not help but feel for him. We are down to three, ladies and gentlemen; let's refocus on what's at hand.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': John Cena's been in the match the longest, over 25 minutes thus far. Batista, remember, entered at #30, Edge at #29.
:'''Matt''': Well, HBK entered at #18, so he has to be in at least a minute longer than... ''[As he says this, Batista charges Cena, who grabs the top rope and pulls it down, sending Batista over to elimination]'' ...CENA! OH!
:'''Jerry''': Batista eliminated!
:'''Michael''': John Cena, a little payback from 2005. John Cena has eliminated Batista. We are now down to two.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Edge preps from the other side of the ring]'' Watch your back, John.
:''[Edge runs to spear Cena...]''
:'''Michael''': Here it is. ''[...but Cena catches him with a knee]'' Look at him take advantage. Cena...saw it coming... ''[Cena charges Edge, but Edge steps aside and tosses him out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' OH NO! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE HAS DONE IT! EDGE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2010 Royal Rumble: The Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:'''Matt''': Oh, my God! [[w:One Day Remains#Metalingus|On this day, I see clearly.]] The Ultimate Opportunist, Edge, is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': I cannot believe it, ladies and gentlemen. Edge wasn't supposed to be here. Edge wasn't supposed to be back in action for months, and he came from out of nowhere, and he entered at #29, and he eliminated John Cena, and he's won the Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2011)|2011]]==

:'''Matt Striker''': ''[on Vickie Guerrero]'' She looks like a can of strawberry soda with botulism. Look at that top.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Edge is about to spear Dolph Ziggler while the referee and Vickie are out cold]'' He can't do this!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh, yes he can!
:'''Michael''': No, he can't! It's illegal!
:'''Matt''': Remember, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, it never happened.
:''[Edge spears Ziggler]''
:'''Michael''': Somebody had to see that!  Ref, get up! Edge isn't hurt! Edge is acting, he deserves an Oscar nomination here! Come on, ref, you fool!
:'''Jerry''': ''[as the ref slowly gets up]'' This is great.
:'''Michael''': How did the ref not see that?!
:'''Jerry''': What do you mean, &quot;how did the referee not see that&quot;? The ref was knocked down, Vickie Guerrero's knocked down.
:'''Michael''': This is ridiculous! This is a travesty!
:'''Jerry''': Somebody wake Vickie Guerrero up. She definitely needs to see this.
:''[Edge gives the Killswitch to Ziggler]''
:'''Matt''': Look at this! A little shout-out to his [[w:Christian (wrestler)|buddy]]!
:'''Michael''': The cover. ''[The referee counts to three]'' You've gotta be kidding me!
:...
:'''Michael''': It's too damn bad the Oscar nominations came out last week, because this man would be a frontrunner for Best Actor!
:...
:'''Jerry''': How many times had Vickie Guerrero slapped, punched, and done all those things to Edge? I don't think that Edge...I don't know how he kept his composure. But right here, he realized Vickie Guerrero was down; he looked over, he saw the referee down.
:'''Michael''': But this is illegal! The spear is illegal!
:'''Matt''': The cat's away, the mice will play. The teacher didn't see it, I didn't do it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Josh Matthews''': Miz, you're just moments away from your title defense, however you requested this time to address the WWE Universe.
:'''The Miz''': Josh, my entire championship reign has been smeared with lies and accusations, from &quot;if it wasn't for Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler would be Champion&quot;, &quot;if it wasn't for Alex Riley, Randy Orton would be Champion.&quot; There is a reason why I'm a champion, and people like Randy Orton, Jerry Lawler, and even Tom Brady are not champions.
:'''Alex Riley''': The Miz can outbrawl Randy Orton, outwrestle him, outshine him, outsmart him, and outclass him. He's gonna beat Randy tonight, and he's gonna go on to WrestleMania the WWE Champion.
:'''Miz''': As I told Randy Orton as I stood over his barely conscious body two weeks ago, I'm the Miz...and I'm awesome.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': The Miz does not even realize that he's won.
:'''Michael''': It doesn't matter, he's still the WWE Champion. He's retained the WWE Championship.
:'''Jerry''': The Miz, fat lip and all, is asking the referee what happened. You gonna tell me, Cole, the Miz is gonna be a proud WWE Champion after that?
:'''Michael''': He should be proud—he's still the WWE Champ.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': What's interesting about {{w|Daniel Bryan}} is that he spent twelve years honing his craft, toiling in the minor leagues; imagine what it would mean for Daniel Bryan to go to WrestleMania.
:'''Michael''': Minor leagues???
:'''Matt''': Yeah, before he came to the WWE, everything's the minor leagues.
:'''Michael''': Well, for CM Punk, he's in the big time now. CM Punk, the three-time World Champion and about to go to school on this dork Daniel Bryan.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, if what you is right, then CM Punk was in the minor leagues.
:'''Matt''': Yeah, this is...a lot of the Internet loves this match-up right now.
:'''Michael''': The Internet loves this, the Internet loves that. Who cares about the stupid Internet?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Alternating chants]''
:'''Half of audience''': DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Other half''': CM PUNK!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': From Merrick, Long Island; cocky and brash, even [[w:Michael Sorrentino|&quot;The Situation&quot;]] finds this guy annoying—Zack Ryder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[On the Nexus working together and standing alone in the ring]''
:'''Jerry''': Say what you want, this is not what the Royal Rumble is about.
:'''Michael''': Why not?!
:'''Jerry''': The Royal Rumble is supposed to be about every man for himself.
:'''Michael''': King, you would do this.
:'''Jerry''': No I would not.
:'''Michael''': You would do this.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, if I could find four or five suckers that would play along with it, I might.
:'''Matt''': Just call up Mid-South.
:'''Jerry''' ''[clearly unamused]'': Not funny.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[The buzzer sounds for #32. The sound of an engine turning over causes the crowd to roar and the action to stop.]''
:'''Matt''': Holy sh...!
:''[A big truck horn sounds, perfectly timed to censor Striker]''
:'''Michael''': You've gotta be kidding me! Big Daddy Cool Diesel!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': Diesel's back! Diesel's here! 6'11&quot;, 311 pounds, from Detroit, Michigan!
:'''Matt''': This is what it's all about! You never know who's gonna show up!
:'''Michael''': The former WWE Champion...
:'''Matt''': Look at the faces!
:'''Jerry''': Look at ''your'' face.
:'''Michael''': King, who will ever forget in 1994 when Diesel entered the Rumble match and eliminated seven men! Nearly seven feet tall! Diesel's back!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Miz''': ''[unaware Riley was eliminated]'' Notice Alex Riley. Alex Riley is being very smart right now.
:'''Jerry''': Where is he?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Matt''': You win the Royal Rumble, you headline WrestleMania. You have a choice—which championship do you go after? Which match do you want to be in?
:'''Michael''': You gotta win the Royal Rumble match first. One of these men looking to live their dreams...''[Randy Orton eliminates Wade Barrett]'' Wade Barrett eliminated...
:''[Alberto Del Rio gets Randy over the top rope...]''
:'''Michael and Matt''': Yes, do it! Do it!
:''[...and out to the floor, seemingly winning the Rumble]''
:'''Matt''': YEAH!
:'''Michael''': Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio! Del Rio does it!
:'''Matt''': Vaya con dios, Alberto Del Rio!
:'''Ricardo Rodriguez''': Cabas y caballeros, su ganador de Royal Rumble eras ALBERTOOO DEL RIIIOOO!  ''(Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the Royal Rumble is Alberto Del Rio!)''
:'''Matt''': Alberto Del Rio is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': I can't believe it. I can assure you I would've never made this...''[Mike Chioda talks with Alberto in the ring after Santino re-enters]'' whoa, wait a minute.
:'''Michael''': Folks, remember, King, remember what you said earlier. Remember what you said earlier. Santino was never eliminated, remember? He never went over the top rope! He went underneath the bottom rope!
:'''Jerry''': Santino's still in this... ''[Alberto turns around and walks into Santino's Cobra]''
:'''Michael''': The Cobra! The Cobra! Oh my God! Oh my God! The biggest upset in Rumble history! This is gonna be the biggest upset in Rumble history!
:'''Jerry''': Throw him out, Santino! Throw him out!
:'''Michael''': Santino is gonna go to WrestleMania! Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me!
:'''Jerry''': No, this is great!
:'''Michael''': You gotta be kidding me!
:''[Santino runs Alberto to the ropes, but Alberto reverse the run and sends Santino flying out of the ring, finally winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Del Rio!
:'''Matt''': One more time! Alberto Del Rio is on his way to the main event at WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In the ring, Rodriguez is singing Del Rio's praises in Spanish]''
:'''Michael''': Viva Del Rio!  Viva Del Rio!
:'''Jerry''': Can I press 1 for English?

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2012)|2012]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': The thing is, Kane says Cena and, in turn, the WWE Universe not embracing hate is a cowardly act. And that's the words of Kane. They live lives filled with delusions, they all wanna cheer for John Cena or at least be a part of his life, or they wanna boo him. They want to live vicariously through Cena. That is a cowardly way out, in Kane's estimation.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Well, if you're gonna try to make sense out of anything that Kane thinks, good luck.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[after John Laurinaitis ejects Vickie Guerrero from ringside]'' Remember, CM Punk defeated Jack Swagger a couple of weeks ago. With that victory, it ensured that Swagger and Guerrero would not be at ringside for this match-up. Great move by Laurinaitis.
:'''Booker T''': I just think he's sucking up.
:'''Michael''': Here we go, Punk roll-up, shoulders down, and a kick-out. Sucking up? He followed the rules, Booker. I mean, give the man some credit for once in your life. What, did you have an issue back in the day of WCW with Johnny? That's why you're all upset with this man? Because he was a better worker than you? Because he was a better wrestler than you?
:'''Booker''': ''[clearly in disbelief]'' What? You gotta be kidding me.
:'''Michael''': I mean, come on now. John Laurinaitis is...he's awesome!
:'''Booker''': You're talking about a guy who has done nothing in this business, right?
:'''Michael''': Who, John? He was a world champion in Japan. That's what he was.
:'''Booker''': In Japan.
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''Jerry''': In the world of Japan.
:'''Booker''': Yeah, the world of Japan.
:'''Jerry''': John Laurinaitis right now... I know you say he's got a lot of things on his plate, a lot of things to take care and be concerned with, but he's got his phone out, he's texting out here.
:'''Michael''': He just texted me to tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing tonight and how glad he is to have me calling the Rumble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': ''[on Vickie Guerrero]'' She's quite enamored with Dolph Ziggler. Unfortunately, he's already found the love of his life; too bad he can't marry himself.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': ''[to Laurinaitis]'' Next GTS is for you, Clownshoes!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Miz''': Every Superstar backstage has been snickering at me all day. They think I'm actually bothered by the fact that I'm the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble match. They think it scares me. They think I'm intimidated by it. They think I don... they don't think I will make it to the end. But those are the same people, the same Superstars that told me I would never main-event WrestleMania, that I would never be in the main event, that I would never be in this ring a WWE Champion! Every time they have denied me, I have went above and beyond and proved them wrong, and tonight will be no different. I may be the first one out here, but I will be the last man standing, and I will go on to headline WrestleMania XXVIII because I'm the Miz, and I'm...awesome!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #8. Alberto Del Rio's music plays]''
:'''Michael''': Hey, hey, hey, hey!
:'''Booker''': What the hell?
:'''Michael''': Alberto Del Rio's back! Alberto Del Rio, last year's Royal Rumble match winner, is back! ''[Car horn honks]'' Oh, this is gonna be awesome!
:''[The car producing the horn drives out.]''
:'''Jerry''': What is that?!
:'''Booker''': What the hell? We got an old 280 Datsun? 280ZX?
:'''Jerry''': Hey, that's not Alberto Del Rio! Look!
:'''Booker''': Worth about $600.
:'''Michael''': ''[as the driver reveals himself to be...]'' Is that... is that Ricardo?!
:'''Jerry''': I don't know, but his back window is a Hefty bag.
:'''Michael''': It's Del Rio's personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez.
:'''Jerry''': And that's his car?!
:'''Michael''': Well, yeah, you know, he's...never been champion.
:'''Booker''': Wow, a vintage 1985 Datsun 280Z.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi in trouble from the top rope.
:'''Booker''': He needs a little bit of help right now. Kofi needs a little help.
:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #12. Jerry's music plays]''
:'''Jerry''': Yes, he does, and you know what? What would a Royal Rumble be without a little royalty?!
:'''Michael''': ''[as Jerry removes his headset and sweatshirt]'' You've gotta be kidding me! What are you doing?!
:'''Booker''': You didn't tell me you was in it, King!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Booker''': ''[after Jerry drops a fist on the Miz]'' Vintage King right there, baby.
:'''Michael''': Oh, now you're stealing my lines!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': No announcer should enter the Royal Rumble match.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': As we get ready for #17.
:'''Jerry''': Who's it gonna be?
:''[Buzzer sounds. Booker T.'s music plays]''
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': NOW YOU?!?!?! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! NOW YOU?!
:'''Jerry''': Go get em, Booker! Go get em, sucka!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi still alive. Hands on the floor. Remember, both feet have to hit the floor. ''[Miz pushes Kofi's legs away]'' Oh, my God. Dangerous situation.
:''[Kofi, now out of the ring, walks on his hands to the steps]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, look at this!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my God.
:'''Jerry''': LOOK AT THIS!
:'''Michael''': ''[as Kofi lands his feet on the steps, crawls backwards onto them, and reenters the ring]'' ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
:'''Jerry''': He saved himself!
:'''Michael''': ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
:'''Jerry''': Kofi Kingston, what a move!
:'''Michael''': That's gotta be the greatest thing I've ever seen!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Who's gonna enter at #20? I think I know. I got a hunch. I got a hunch. ''[Buzzer sounds, Nickelback's &quot;Burn It to the Ground&quot; plays, and Michael Cole is revealed as #20. He immediately undresses, revealing his orange singlet]'' YES! YES! YES!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, tell me this is not so. Tell me that Michael Cole is not entering...
:'''Booker''': What the hell you doing? You're not in the Rumble!
:'''Jerry''': Keep your pants on, nobody wants to see... just get in there!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Look at Cole avoiding any contact with anybody.
:'''Booker''': Look at his stomach. I mean, he looks like he's been eating donuts all month.
:'''Jerry''': That's the way he works out. ''[Buzzer sounds for #21]'' Somebody get in there and get him.
:'''Booker''': Don't that just break your...  ''[A cackle is heard and Michael Cole is instantly afraid]'' ohhhh....
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?! Wait a minute there, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?
:'''Booker''': ''[as #21, Kharma, walks to the ring]'' Aww, wait a minute!
:'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' Kharma!
:'''Booker''': King, check this out. This is only the third time something like this has ever happened. Kharma is about to break somebody off a little something proper-like, dog!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, I hope she goes right after Cole!
:'''Booker''': I hope she just eat him like a piece of chicken!
:'''Jerry''': Michael Cole is already crying, I see tears running down... ''[Kharma clotheslines Michael]'' Oh, yes! She knocked his headgear right off!
:'''Booker''': She's looking at that boy like a chicken bone! She's fixing to eat!
:''[Michael climbs over the ropes]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, look at Cole.
:'''Booker''': King, come on.
:''[As Michael begs Kharma to go easy on him, Jerry and Booker leave the table and take his legs out from under Michael, eliminating him]''
:...
:'''Booker''': Cole, you okay?
:'''Michael''': You guys just cost me my spot at WrestleMania! I was gonna win the thing!
:'''Booker''': Trying to help you out, dog.
:'''Michael''': I didn't wanna touch a woman, that was why I climbed over the top rope!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Chris Jericho tries the Codebreaker on Sheamus, he gets caught and dumped over the top rope, but hangs on, avoiding the floor]''
:'''Michael''': No, they didn't hit. The referee's right there; his feet did not hit the floor. This match continues.
:'''Jerry''': ''[as Jericho gets back onto the ring]'' Once again, Jericho teeters and holds on for dear life.
:''[Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Jericho]''
:'''Michael''': Oh, Brogue Kick!
:''[Jericho falls to the floor, winning the Rumble for Sheamus]''
:'''Booker''': Oh my goodness!
:'''Michael''': Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble: Sheamus!
:'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Great White is gonna be on the prowl on South Beach! Sheamus is going to WrestleMania!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2013)|2013]]==

:'''Kane''': They said we were dysfunctional, but we're ''still'' the Tag Team Champions!
:'''Daniel Bryan''': Still the Tag Team Champions!
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Excuse me. Excuse me! Daniel, Kane, as managing supervisor of ''Raw'', I am happy to give you your entry numbers into the Royal Rumble match. ''[Hands over two sealed envelopes]'' Good luck.
:''[She chuckles and leaves as Daniel and Kane open their envelopes. Kane looks at his and shrugs while Daniel points at his.]''
:'''Kane''': Interesting.
:'''Daniel''': Well?
:'''Kane''': Well, what?
:'''Daniel''': Aren't...aren't you gonna show me?
:'''Kane''': Show you what?
:'''Daniel''': Show me your number.
:'''Kane''': Oh. Let me think about it for a second. No!
:'''Daniel''': &quot;No&quot;? What do you mean, &quot;no&quot;?! It's the rules!
:'''Kane''': Trust me. You would feel very inadequate.
:'''Daniel''': Wh...what does that mean? Just show it to me!
:'''Kane''': Daniel, it's bad strategy to reveal your number before a Royal Rumble match to ''anyone!'' See you out there, partner.
:'''Daniel''': Not if I see you ''first!''
:'''Kane''': ''[holding up envelope]'' Yeah, that's ''highly'' unlikely.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': I stand before you all alone in the spotlight, exactly where I belong. And tonight, when this Royal Rumble match comes to a close, it's gonna be exactly the same—me standing in the middle of this ring all by myself as the winner of the Royal Rumble match!
:'''Michael Cole''': Only twice in history has someone won from the #1 spot. Only twice in history...
:'''Dolph''': And I don't even care who #2 is, so just send him out already.
:'''Michael''': Well, only twice in history has someone won from the #2 position. The question is, who will be the man to start the Rumble match against Dolph Ziggler?
:'''Loudspeaker''': BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU'VE STILL GOT IT!
:'''Chris Jericho''': I never lost it, baby!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[on entry #9]'' It is the Harvard Law School graduate, David Otunga.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': All right! Jennifer Hudson's husband!
:'''Michael''': Otunga entering his third Royal Rumble match. All three of us here at ringside have been part of the Royal Rumble match. John, you've actually been in five in your career; one year, you lasted nearly 36 minutes, as Otunga goes right after Goldust.
:'''JBL''': You'd been in one, hadn't you, Michael?
:'''Michael''': Yeah, last year, I lasted...
:'''JBL''': How long did you last?
:'''Michael''': Almost two minutes.
:'''JBL''': Did anybody last less than you?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''JBL''': Who?
:'''Michael''': Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler.
:'''JBL''': How long did he last?
:'''Michael''': Less than a minute.
:'''JBL''': You lasted longer than Jerry Lawler?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''JBL''': Wow. Did you beat him at WrestleMania too?
:'''Michael''': Yes.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Hey, listen. I've stopped listening, you can stop talking.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi just landed on Tensai's back! Kofi's still alive!
:'''JBL''': Wait a minute, Kofi's not disqualified!
:'''Michael''': No, Kofi's still alive. ''[Tensai puts Kofi Kingston on the Spanish announce table]'' Kofi didn't hit the floor. Tensai...they gotta get Tensai out of here.
:'''Jerry''' Now what's Kofi gonna do?
:'''Michael''': Oh, he's in a predicated now because Kofi's not been eliminated. But how the hell can Kofi Kingston get back to the ring? It's impossible.
:'''JBL''': He's like a bird when the world's on fire! Where do you land?! ''[Kingston is now standing on the table, considering jumping to the ring]'' What's he gonna do now?
:'''Michael''': What did they use to do in ''Star Trek'', teleport themselves? That's what Kofi'd better try to do here.
:'''JBL''': Jump! Jump, Carl Lewis, jump for it!
:'''Jerry''': I don't think there's anybody that's gonna beam...
:'''JBL''': He's gonna try! Jump for it!
:'''Jerry''': ...beam him all the way into the ring.
:''[A few moments later...]''
:'''Kofi Kingston''': ''[to JBL]'' The chair!
:'''JBL''': For what?
:'''Kingston''': Come on, just give me your chair!
:'''JBL''': Chair for what?
:'''Michael''': Come on, just give him your chair. He wants it.
:'''JBL''': ''[getting up]'' I gotta see this. I've gotta see this. ''[JBL hands his chair to Kingston]'' I gotta see this! I gotta see this! This is gonna be good! I don't know what he's gonna do!
:''[A few more moments later...]''
:'''Michael''': Meanwhile, high drama, high drama building ringside.
:'''JBL''': ''[as Kingston stands on the chair]'' This is unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': Kofi's not been eliminated. Kingston is still alive.
:''[Kofi starts jumping with the chair towards the ring]''
:'''JBL''': I love it!
:'''Jerry''': Look at the referees staring Kofi down.
:'''JBL''': This is awesome! This is incredible!
:'''Michael''': He's using the chair like a pogo stick!
:'''JBL''': I get an assist!
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston, give the assist to Bradshaw...
:''[Kingston gets onto the ring apron and the referees give the safe signal]''
:'''JBL''': That's the craziest thing I've ever seen!
:'''Michael''': I can't believe it!
:'''Jerry''': Kofi's safe.
:'''JBL''': Kofi's still in the Rumble! Now give me my chair back!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on entry #17: The Godfather, accompanied by two lovely ladies]'' From Vegas! He brought his [[w:Groupie|Rat]] Pack!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ryback carries John Cena, who escapes and pushes Ryback...]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa...
:''[...over the top rope to the floor, winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Ryback eliminated!
:'''JBL''': HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE!
:'''Michael''': John Cena is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': The winner of the Royal Rumble: John Cena!
:'''Jerry''': John Cena has done it!
:'''JBL''': The 10-time WWE Champion is going back to the dance, to the main stage, to the grandest of them all, WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': John Cena has made history tonight. John Cena becomes only the fourth man to win two Royal Rumble matches.
:''[John points to the WrestleMania logo and the fireworks go off]''
:'''JBL''': There was Austin, there was Shawn Michaels, there was Hogan, and now there's Cena!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': I think we are gonna see the most electrifying move in all of sports!
:'''Michael''': Look at the people! Look at the people!
:'''Jerry''': That's because it's the People's Elbow!
:''[Just before The Rock can hit the Elbow, the entire arena goes dark. The following is unseen]''
:'''JBL''': What's happening?
:'''Michael''': What the... who the hell?! Wait a minute! Someone's destroying our announce table! Who the hell is that?! They're attacking Rock! Holy cow, King! King, look at who that is! Oh, my God, it's The Shield!
:'''Jerry''': No!
:'''Michael''': The Shield! The Shield! That was The Shield! And they just triple-powerbombed Rock through the table! ''[The lights come back on, revealing The Rock laid out on the dismantled announce table, CM Punk lying in the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, th...King, that was The Shield!
:'''JBL''': The referee didn't see it! The referee doesn't see it! He has no idea The Shield did that! He's got no idea!
:'''Michael''': ''[referee Mike]'' Chioda, that was The Shield!
:'''JBL''': Shut up, you stooge!
:'''Michael''': I think they did something to the referee too! I think The Shield did something to the referee!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': It was The Shield! The Shield was out here, Punk, and put the guy through the table!
:'''CM Punk''': Who?
:'''Michael''': The Shield, that's who!
:'''CM Punk''': I have nothing to do with The Shield!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': Day 435 will be tomorrow for CM Punk! Admit it now, Michael! He's the best in the world!
:'''Justin''': The winner of this match and still WWE Champion: CM Punk!
:'''Michael''': This is absolutely horrendous!
:'''JBL''': It's all fair, Michael, in love and war! CM Punk is the best in the world! Now would you please acknowledge...
:'''Jerry''': No, we're gonna acknowledge it.
:'''Michael''': How is that fair?! We watched The Shield, three feet away from us, walk out here and triple-bomb The Rock through a table!
:'''JBL''': Michael, I saw the exact same thing you saw! Michael Chioda, the referee, didn't see it! CM Punk is about to leave the Royal Rumble Champion!
:'''Jerry''': So you're saying it's not cheating if you don't get caught.
:'''JBL''': That is ex...oh, ''you're'' one to talk, King!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Seems to me that, CM Punk, your celebration is over! I told you if The Shield got involved in your match-up, we would strip you of the Championship!
:'''Michael''': Yeah! Yeah!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Oh, I know! I know, technically, we couldn't ''see'' The Shield involved, right? So that means we're all stupid, it wasn't The Shield? CM Punk, it is my duty as Chairman of the Board...
:'''Jerry''': Oh boy. Yeah!
:'''JBL''': Oh, shut up, cheerleader.
:'''Jerry''': Oh boy!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ...to officially...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We ain't ending this night like that. You don't take it from him. ''I'' am. Restart the match now!
:'''CM Punk''': This match is over!
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[after a few moments of deliberation]'' You heard the man, restart the match!
:'''Michael''': That's why The Rock's the People's Champion! Give the people what they want! Give them a conclusion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': This is vintage Rock!
:'''Jerry''': Here it comes! Another People's Elbow! ''[Rock hits the Elbow on Punk]'' Yes!
:'''JBL''': What do you gotta do to beat this guy?!
:'''Michael''': Cover, hook of the leg. ''[Chioda counts to three]'' THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT! THE ROCK HAS DONE IT!
:'''JBL''': ''[over Cole]'' You're kidding me! You're kidding me!
:'''Justin''': The winner of this match...and NEW WWE Champion: The Rock!
:'''Michael''': The ten-year wait is over!
:'''JBL''': Unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': The Rock is again People's Champion!
:'''JBL''': Ten years, just like Muhammad Ali came back and won the World Championship, The Rock, the Great One!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2014)|2014]]==

:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': ''[on Bray Wyatt's backwards crab walk]'' This freak needs an exorcist.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': Yeah. Linda Blair.
:'''Jerry''': She was ''not'' the Exorcist.
:'''Michael Cole''': No, she was the one that needed to be exorcised. That was so long ago, I don't think anyone remembers. That was, like, the early 70s.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fans''': ''[chant during the Bryan-Wyatt match]'' THIS IS AWESOME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Renee Young''': Randy, tonight you put your championship on the line against John Cena. I mean, this is a man that is...
:'''Randy Orton''': This is a man, Renee, that I've beaten. But you already know that, everybody knows that. But after tonight, when I beat him again, John Cena goes to the back of the line.
:'''Renee''': That's actually an interesting choice of words, Randy, 'cause right now, it seems that there's quite a line formed to challenge you for your championship. Brock Lesnar's made it clear that he wants to come after your championship; Batista now back in WWE after being gone for four years, ''he'' wants a shot at your championship. If you retain your title tonight, the winner of the Royal Rumble will go on to face you at WrestleMania. And now with Bray Wyatt fresh off of his victory over Daniel Bryan, he's now thrown his hat into the ring.
:'''Randy''': Renee, Renee, when you're on top of the mountain, people are gonna want a shot. That's just how this business works, that's why that line is forming. But no one's gonna touch me. See, Brock Lesnar, Dave Batista, they're good, but they're not great...like me. Bray Wyatt? I mean, he's a ''Duck Dynasty'' reject, for God's sakes. He's definitely not &quot;face of the WWE&quot; material, like me. I'm the true face, the one and only face. It's not Brock, Batista, CM Punk or Daniel Bryan, and it certainly isn't that deranged hillbilly who sits in a rocking chair every once in a while. No, and I'm gonna make sure tonight that once and for all, everyone knows that it is definitely not John Cena either.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chants during the Cena-Orton match]''
:'''Fans''': DANIEL BRYAN!
:RANDY SAVAGE!
:Y2J!
:YOU BOTH SUCK!
:THIS IS AWFUL!
:WE WANT DIVAS!
:''[after the Wyatt Family's interference costs Cena the match]'' THANK YOU, WYATT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Behold the creators of the new world!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston on the barricade. Kofi Kingston went over the top rope, guys, but remember he's not been eliminated.
:'''JBL''': That's right, Kofi Kingston's still in it.
:'''Michael''': Kofi Kingston has been a highlight reel of spectacular moves in the past...
:'''Jerry''': Guys, guys, come on, he's a mile away from the ring.
:'''JBL''': He is that.
:'''Jerry''': I know he's not out, but he might as well be.
:'''JBL''': Last year, he borrowed my chair.
:''[Kofi Kingston walks back on the barricade]''
:'''Michael''': What is Kofi gonna do here?
:'''JBL''': He'll do what he can do. What's he trying to do?
:'''Jerry''': I don't think he can fly.
:'''JBL''': He can't fly. This is impossible.
:'''Michael''': Kofi King...
:''[Kingston runs on the barricade and leaps onto the ring and re-enters]'' 
:'''Michael and JBL''': YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''JBL''': Kofi Kingston just turned into [[w:Bob Beamon|Bob Beamon]]!
:'''Michael''': He's hopped on chairs, he's walked on his hands, he's used a human bridge.
:'''JBL''': Unbelievable!
:'''Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' He's leaped from the barricade to the ring. He's the Royal Rumble Highlight Reel!
:'''Jerry''': Guys, I just said he can't fly, but I believe he can.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[after the buzzer sounds for entry #20]'' Los Matadores! Which one, though?
:'''Michael''': Diego and Fernando. And of course, ''[El Torito charges through their capes]'' they brought the bull. ''[El Torito charges to the ring]'' Hey, wait a minute! El Torito is in the Rumble?!
:'''Jerry''': I think he is!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[after Fandango nails El Torito in the head]'' PETA's gonna be upset about that. You can't abuse a bull. I hear Mantaur's his grandfather.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jerry''': JBL, you seem to know all your Royal Rumble facts. Has somebody won from every position of entering?
:'''JBL''': No, they haven't. #6, #7, #9, #10, there's a few spots that nobody has won.
:'''Michael''': You have ''way'' too much time on your hands.
:'''JBL''': It's called research, guys. It's what I do.
:'''Jerry''': He knows Willie Nelson's middle name.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fans''': ''[after all participants had entered the Rumble]'' DANIEL BRYAN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': It's a Roman Reigns moment. Is it his night? ''[Reigns flings Batista, but Batista reverses and tosses Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' Roman Reigns eliminated! Batista's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Justin Roberts''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble: Batista!
:'''Michael''': Batista is going to headline WrestleMania XXX for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship!
:'''JBL''': What a showing, though, by Roman Reigns. 13 Superstars eliminated by that one man.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2015)|2015]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': ''[on entry #3: Bubba Ray Dudley]'' OH MY!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': WHAT?! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
:'''Michael''': Welcome home to Philly!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[when Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper team up on Bubba Ray]'' WE WANT D-VON!
:''[after Daniel Bryan's somewhat early elimination]'' DANIEL BRYAN!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[having eliminated four people]'' Open invitation! Everyone in the back, I hope you got the message! This is Bray Wyatt's year!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': ''[as Bray Wyatt stands alone]'' Remember, Roman Reigns set the record last year—12 eliminations in a single Rumble.
:'''Wyatt''': ''[over Cole]'' Not a damn one of you's takin' it! Not a damn one of you's takin' it!
:'''Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' Bray Wyatt is at five.
:'''Wyatt''': All of you left, let's keep this Rumble going!
:'''Michael''': #10 will soon be on his way. What a performance so far, guys, by Bray Wyatt.
:'''Jerry''': Just waiting.
:'''Wyatt''': It's only gonna take me about half a minute!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': ''[on Daniel Bryan]'' Chinese calendar says 2015 is the year of the goat; we're about to find out if that's true!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''JBL''': ''[on entry #18: Adam Rose, accompanied by his Rosebuds]'' First Royal Rumble. Three people had a 100% success rate in the Royal Rumble—Brock Lesnar, Big John Studd, and Mr. McMahon.
:''[As he says this, {{w|Alexander Rusev|Rusev}} throws Kofi Kingston out of the ring over Adam's head, but Kingston is caught by the Rosebuds]''
:'''Michael''': Lookit!
:'''JBL''': ''[as the Rosebuds carry Kingston around the corner]'' But Kofi's not on the ground. Kofi's not on the ground.
:'''Jerry''': Thrown all the way over the top rope, ''[Rusev flings Rose into the ring]'' but caught by the Rosebuds.
:'''Michael''': Both feet have to hit the floor, ''[The Rosebuds prop Kingston onto the ring, then make their way back]'' and Kofi Kingston...
:'''JBL''': Those idiot Rosebuds! How stupid can they possibly be?!
:''[As he says this, Rusev eliminates Rose on the same side as Kingston, who rolls back in]''
:'''Michael''': Adam Rose eliminated by Rusev!
:'''Jerry''': And no Rosebuds to catch him!
:'''JBL''': Where were the Rosebuds?! Where did they go?! What a bunch of goofs. You can't trust a guy that dresses up like a hot dog!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Crowd''': ''[furious, pissed off and frustrated, when Big Show, Kane, and Roman are alone in the ring]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[hearing the negative chant reaction from the fans]'' WWE fans, of course, not happy with the elimination of the, the likes of Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler here tonight, after the absolute dominance here in the last few minutes by Big Show and Kane.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Kane and Big Show try to eliminate Roman]''
:'''Jerry''': Like you said, Michael, what's gonna happen between Kane and Big Show when they get rid of Roman Reigns? ''[Big Show tries to push Kane out with Roman] There's'' what's gonna happen! Look!
:''[Kane elbows Big Show, then confronts him]''
:'''Michael''': Big Show, I think...I think he was trying to keep Kane in the match.
:'''Jerry''': I don't think so. I think he was trying to eliminate Kane and Roman Reigns at the same time.
:''[Kane and Big Show start trading blows]''
:'''Michael''': That's what Kane believes.
:'''Jerry''': Here they go!
:'''JBL''': Haymakers landed by these two massive men. ''[Both grab each other by the neck near the ropes]'' This is a test of wills right here.
:''[Roman picks up both men's feet...]''
:'''Michael''': Hey, Roman Reigns! Roman Reigns!
:'''Jerry''': He's got 'em! Can he do it?!
:''[...and pushes both over and out of the ring, seemingly winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': Eliminates both men! Eliminates Big Show and Kane! Roman Reigns!
:'''Jerry''': Roman Reigns has won the Royal Rumble!
:'''JBL''': Roman Reigns is headed to WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As Rusev, who'd been out of the ring for a little over nine minutes, re-enters]''
:'''Michael''': Guys, guys, guys, Rusev's in this! Spear! Looking back, Rusev was never eliminated!
:'''Jerry''': WHAT?!
:'''Michael''': Rusev is still in this match! Rusev entered at #15, and looking back at my notes...
:'''Jerry''': I thought he was gone!
:'''Michael''': No, Rusev was never eliminated!
:'''Jerry''': Well, wait a minute!
:''[Roman tosses Rusev out, finally winning the Rumble]''
:'''Michael''': But now he is! Roman Reigns is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Roman Reigns!
:'''Michael''': We have witnessed the advent of Roman Reigns! Last year, he tasted it as runner-up; this year, he wins it!
:'''JBL''': ''[on Brock Lesnar watching in the locker room]'' That's the prize that awaits Roman Reigns—Brock Lesnar.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2016)|2016]]==

:''[Buzzer sounds for entry #3. An unfamiliar theme plays and the crowd erupts at the entrance of...]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Is it? Can it be?!
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': It is!
:'''Michael''': The Phenomenal One is here! {{w|A.J. Styles|AJ Styles}}!
:'''Byron Saxton''': Oh my God!
:'''Michael''': It has been rumored for weeks that the hottest free agent in sports entertainment was heading to WWE! Styles is here!
:'''JBL''': Former IWGP Champion, same as Brock Lesnar!
:'''Byron''': An 18-year veteran, a mastermind of offensive innovation.
:'''Michael''': A star around the world. Roman Reigns realizes what he faces now.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': And entering at #12 is R-Truth. R-Truth's eighth Royal Rumble Match.
:'''Bryon''': I'm just happy he knew what day the Royal Rumble was on.
:''[Once R-Truth gets to the ring, he pulls a ladder out from underneath and pushes it in]''
:'''Michael''': What is he doing? ''[R-Truth sets the ladder up in the ring]'' John, do you have any idea what he's doing?
:'''JBL''': I know what he's doing, Michael; I don't know why. He's...putting the ladder in the ring, but I don't know why.
:''[R-Truth climbs the ladder as everyone else in the ring stops to look at him.]''
:'''Michael''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no. ''[R-Truth reaches the top of the ladder and looks up to find nothing there.]'' I think R-Truth thinks this is a ladder match for the Championship.
:'''JBL''': That young man is not all there.
:'''Michael''': I think he was expecting the WWE World Title to be hung above the ring, and he'd climb the ladder to grab it.
:''[Kane pulls R-Truth down]''
:'''JBL''': That's the wrong event.
:'''Michael''': ''[during this, Kane grabs R-Truth by the neck, and pushes to eliminate him]'' Either that or the briefcase, maybe he thought it was the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and he's eliminated by Kane.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Kevin Owens''': ''[to AJ Styles, before eliminating him]'' Welcome to the WWE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Sheamus is about to hit a second Brogue Kick on Dean Ambrose, but Ambrose ducks in the nick of time]''
:'''Michael''': Sheamus missed; got hung up on the top rope! Sheamus barely hanging on. ''[Suddenly, Roman Reigns charges from behind and hits the Superman Punch on Sheamus. The momentum carries Sheamus over the top rope and eliminates him]'' SUPERMAN PUNCH! Sweet, sweet revenge!
:'''Byron''': ''[While Reigns' back is turned, Triple H (who entered at #30) dumps him over the top rope...]'' Whoa, wait a...
:'''Michael''': ''[...and eliminates him]'' ROMAN REIGNS ELIMINATED!
:'''Byron''': Oh my gosh. ''[Triple H performs the &quot;DX Chop&quot; in celebration]''
:'''Michael''': Roman Reigns is no longer champion! We are guaranteed to have a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and it's going to be Triple H or Dean Ambrose! The Authority and Mr. McMahon finally did it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael''': Ambrose... ''[Dean Ambrose throws Triple H over the top rope]'' Triple H OVER THE TOP ROPE! AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT! ''[But Triple H hangs on to the rope]'' AMBROSE'S GONNA DO IT!
:'''Byron''': Wait, he hung on! He hung on!
:'''Michael''': ''[Ambrose spears Triple H, but Triple H retains his grip on the rope]'' Triple H still hanging on! ''[Ambrose charges again]'' Is this gonna be it?!?
:'''JBL''': Here we go! ''[Triple H sticks his knee out, and Ambrose runs into it]''
:'''Michael''': Triple H caught him with a knee to the face! How the hell is Triple H still in this match? ''[While Ambrose is stunned, Triple H takes Ambrose over the top rope]''
:'''Byron''': Oh... oh... ''[Triple H eliminates Ambrose, winning the Rumble and the WWE World Heavyweight Championship]''
:'''Michael''': AMBROSE ELIMINATED! TRIPLE H IS A 14-TIME WWE CHAMPION!
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Ladies and gentlemen, your Royal Rumble winner, and the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H!
:'''Michael''': Triple H is a 14-time WWE World Heavyweight Champion! Triple H will main event WrestleMania!
:'''Byron''': I can't believe what I'm seeing right now!
:'''Michael''': ''[Stephanie McMahon enters the ring and embraces Triple H, while Mr. McMahon stands on the apron]'' And Stephanie McMahon in the ring celebrating with her husband, as is Mr. McMahon.
:'''JBL''': What a great night for the Authority!
:'''Michael''': What an incredible Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2017)|2017]]==

:'''Dean Ambrose''': ''[after Sami Zayn asks to have his number read to him]'' 8. Sorry, I was holding it upside-down. ''[Turns the slip over]'' 8.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Enzo Amore''': My name is Enzo Amore, and I am a certified G and a bona fide stud, and you can't teach that! And this right here?! This is Big Cass, and he's...
:'''Crowd''': ''[continuing]'' ...seven foot tall, and you can't teach that!
:'''Enzo''': And he is the #1 entry in the Royal Rumble Match, and you can't teach that! Bada boom, realest guys in the room! How you doin'!
:'''Corey Graves''': If it were up to me, Enzo would be searching for Pee Wee Herman's bike in the basement of the Alamo right now.
:'''Enzo''': ''[singing with crowd] The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart...''
:'''Crowd''': ''..of Texas!''
:'''Enzo''': And there ain't no two stars shining brighter tonight than your boys Enzo and Big Cass! San Antonio, how you doin'!
:'''Corey''': King, I've had root canals I've enjoyed more than this.
:'''Enzo''': Cass, I've got a question for you.
:'''Big Cass''': What's that, Zo?
:'''Enzo''': Pretty much common knowledge, I think. What is it that they say about Texas?
:'''Big Cass''': Hmm, I think it goes something like this: everything is bigger in Texas!
:'''Enzo''': You're darn skippy, Cass! Because tonight is the biggest Royal Rumble Match of all time, and it has some of the biggest names in the history of the Royal Rumble!
:'''Big Cass''': What kinda names we talking here, Zo?
:'''Enzo''': ''[crowd shouts &quot;how you doin'&quot; after each name]'' Brock Lesnar, Braun Strowman, the Big Show, Goldberg, the Wyatt Family, the Undertaker. But I'll tell you what. None of that matters, 'cause Big Cass is entering this ring #1 like it's 1995 and he is HBK in his prime!
:'''Big Cass''': It doesn't matter if you're #2 or #30, 'cause the fact of the matter is this. When the dust settles, I will be the LAST man standing in that ring right there! Because I am winning the Royal Rumble Match, and I am going on to main-event WrestleMania.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Sounds pretty confident. Would that be your worst nightmare, Corey?
:'''Corey''': Yes.
:'''Big Cass''': And as for the 29 other men in this match, I will prove that there's only ''[crowd joins in]'' ONE WORD to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!
:'''Crowd''': SAWFT!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jerry''': Every time I see Braun Strowman, I wonder where he parked his blue ox.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On entry #11: James Ellsworth]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''Michael Cole''': Well, I guess the WWE Universe has spoken. James Ellsworth has been all over social media lobbying for a spot in this match-up. And there's, I guess, his new girlfriend, Corey? Carmella?
:'''Corey''': Carmella's the best possible thing that could've happened to Ellsworth. Ellsworth's career has skyrocketed since these two came together.
:'''Jerry''': This guy's a total waste of skin. How on Earth did he get a place in the Royal Rumble?
:'''Corey''': King, James Ellsworth has taken AJ Styles to the limit on multiple occasions.
:'''Jerry''': You just like him because you two obviously share the same barber.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael''': Zayn with a big Helluva Kick!
:'''Jerry''': Caught him right in the jaw.
:'''Michael''': And now Corbin... ''[Baron Corbin clotheslines Braun Strowman out of the ring, eliminating him]'' ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN! CORBIN ELIMINATES STROWMAN!
:'''Corey''': Michael Cole, you've been asking me for months: how do you stop Braun Strowman? You do it with a Lone Wolf!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Brock Lesnar has beaten down everybody as the clock ticks down]''
:'''Michael''': #27, the luckiest number in the field. Four winners over the years from this spot. Who has it?
:''[Buzzer sounds. Enzo Amore and Big Cass's music plays]''
:'''Corey''': Wait a minute, King.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Corey''': I think I know what this means.
:'''Michael''': Yeah, Corey, you could get your wish.
:'''Corey''': Oh, my God, this may be the greatest moment of my life. ''[Entry #27, Enzo Amore, enters]'' This idiot, Enzo Amore, is gonna have to go face-to-face with the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar.
:'''Jerry''': This poor schmuck, just turn around and go back to the locker room.
:'''Corey''': Keep running, Enzo. Keep running straight ahead into the storm. I am begging you, Enzo.
:'''Michael''': Lesnar with a big smirk on his face.
:'''Corey''': Put your shirt back on and go back home, Enzo.
:'''Jerry''': Or just use it as a blindfold because you're about to be in front of a firing squad.
:''[Enzo runs at Lensar, who clotheslines him]''
:'''Michael''': Lesnar turned Enzo inside-out.
:'''Jerry''': Oh. He's history already. That didn't take long.
:''[Lensar nonchalantly tosses Enzo out of the ring, eliminating him]''
:'''Michael''': Enzo eliminated by Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael''': We are down to Reigns and Orton!
:'''Corey''': Reigns is gonna do it!
:'''Michael''': Will Roman Reigns win the Rumble match for the second time in three years?
:'''Corey''': I knew it all along. Roman Reigns is gonna...
:''[As Roman Reigns runs to spear Randy Orton, Orton catches him in the RKO]''
:'''Michael''': RKO! RKO by Randy Orton! ''[As Reigns gets to his feet, Orton clotheslines him out of the ring, winning the Rumble]'' Randy Orton wins the Rumble! Randy Orton's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Jerry''': I was right!
:'''JoJo Offerman''': Here is your winner: Randy Orton!
:'''Michael''': The Viper strikes WrestleMania paydirt!
:'''Jerry''': This is a Randy Orton rebirth! Amazing!
:'''Michael''': Randy Orton becomes the seventh man to win two or more Rumbles. Randy Orton's won his second Rumble in eight years.

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2018)|2018]]==

:'''Michael Cole''': ''[on the #11 entry, Sheamus]'' Representing The Bar, they have a Tag Team Championship opportunity later tonight, but it's the Celtic Warrior, Sheamus. Guys, back in 2012, Sheamus won the Royal Rumble Match.
:'''Byron Saxton''': Oh, not again, Heath.
:''[Sheamus tosses Heath Slater, who has been unable to enter the match in 11 minutes, into the ring]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': There, you got in the ring, Heath. He's in the ring. ''[The very moment Sheamus enters and stands upright, Heath clotheslines him out of the ring, eliminating him]'' AAHHH!
:'''Corey Graves''': Oh, no!
:'''Michael''': Oh, my God! Slater eliminated Sheamus on Sheamus's birthday! Tonight is Sheamus's birthday, and he was eliminated by Slater!
:'''Corey''': Sheamus's birthday's on Rusev Day?!
:'''Jerry''': That's the worst present ever. I can't believe it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Roman Reigns has Shinsuke Nakamura on his shoulders and is attempting to eliminate him]''
:'''Michael''': Roman Reigns trying to power Shinsuke over the top. ''[Nakamura escapes Reigns' grasp and bounces off the ropes, missing a clothesline in the process]'' Reigns...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Nakamura slides and hits a Kinshasa on Reigns]'' Oh, no!
:'''Byron''': OH MY GOD!
:'''Michael''': Shinsuke connects, right in the face!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no! No, Roman!
:'''Michael''': And now Shinsuke Nakamura... 
:'''Byron''': Oh wait, he got him!
:'''Jerry''': No no no no no no, wait! ACK!
:'''Michael''': ''[Nakamura throws Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' ...ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS! SHINSUKE NAKAMURA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Byron''': I called it! I called it!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner of the Royal Rumble match: Shinsuke Nakamura!
:'''Michael''': Guys, Shinsuke Nakamura lasted almost 45 minutes in this match to pick up the victory in his Royal Rumble match debut tonight!
:'''Corey''': As much as Nakamura has accomplished in his storied career around the world, there is nobody that gets in this industry that doesn't dream of doing it at WrestleMania. Congratulations to the King of Strong Style!
:'''Byron''': 2 years ago to the month, Shinsuke Nakamura signed his WWE contract, and now Shinsuke Nakamura is headed to WrestleMania!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Renee Young''': So, Shinsuke, you've now won the right to face the champion of your choosing. So have you made a decision?
:''[Shinsuke pauses as the audience chant their choice]''
:'''Shinsuke Nakamura''': A...J...STYLES!!!
:'''Corey''': YES!
:'''Michael''': Corey, it is gonna happen. The match that the WWE Universe has wanted is gonna happen.
:'''Corey''': I could not be more excited for WrestleMania! Get me to New Orleans already! Nakamura and Styles for the WWE Championship!
:'''Byron''': The dream match, ladies and gentlemen, is going to come true.
:'''Michael''': 44 minutes, 40 seconds: the exact time that Shinsuke Nakamura lasted in the Royal Rumble. And yes indeed, Shin, you're going to WrestleMania.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': Boy, this has essentially become a singles match at this point. ''[Nikki Bella puts Asuka on her shoulders and prepares to throw her out]'' There's only one task left, and that's to throw your opponent over the top rope, which Nikki's about to do.
:'''Michael''': Asuka may be eliminated!
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': There she goes! There she goes!
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella takes Asuka over the top rope, but Asuka holds the top rope for dear life]'' Nikki Bella, with Asuka hanging on to the top rope, out to the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': She's still hanging on!
:'''Michael''': Asuka still barely in this match.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[Asuka stands up. Bella strikes Asuka, but Asuka continues to hold the ropes]'' OOH!
:'''Michael''': Nikki Bella again with a strong shot to the face, but Asuka lands on the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': I don't know how Asuka's hanging on, but she sure is. At least for now!
:'''Corey''': Disbelief on the face of Nikki.
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella charges at Asuka]'' Nikki Bella looking to use all of her momentum... 
:'''Stephanie''': Here comes Nikki!
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella runs into Asuka's boot]'' ...Asuka caught her with a kick!
:'''Corey''': ''[Asuka uses her foot to grab Bella by the neck, and then attempts to take Bella over the top rope]'' Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
:'''Michael''': And look at Asuka!
:'''Corey''': What is... 
:'''Stephanie''': ...What?
:'''Michael''': Asuka trying to eliminate Nikki in one of the most unique ways we've ever seen!
:'''Stephanie''': Oh my gosh! ''[Bella goes over the top rope, but falls to the apron]'' OH!
:'''Michael''': Nikki Bella to the apron! ''[Asuka loses her grip on the top rope and hits the apron]'' Asuka to the apron!
:'''Stephanie''': OH! Asuka almost fell!
:'''Corey''': Both women teetering on the side of the ring, just feet away from defeat.
:'''Michael''': ''[Bella gets up, and Asuka struggles to do the same]'' High stakes, high pressure! Asuka and Nikki Bella both on the apron. ''[Bella roundhouses Asuka, who falls back onto the apron]'' Both of them went over the top rope! Asuka floored! ''[Asuka kicks Bella's legs out from under her, sending her careening to the floor and winning the Rumble]'' ASUKA ELIMINATES NIKKI BELLA! 
:'''Stephanie''': OH! ASUKA DID IT! ''[applauds Asuka]''
:'''Michael''': ASUKA'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Stephanie''': Unbelievable!
:'''Corey''': ''[As he says this, the camera pans toward [[w:WWE Raw Women's Championship|Raw Women's Champion]] Alexa Bliss and [[w:WWE SmackDown Women's Championship|SmackDown Women's Champion]] Charlotte Flair, both sitting across from each other near the announcer's table]'' I knew it! I called it from the start! There was never any doubt! No one was ready for Asuka!
:'''Michael''': Asuka is a history-maker! Asuka is going to WrestleMania!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2019)|2019]]==

:'''Corey Graves''': Smart strategy by Banks, staying in close quarters with Ronda. I was questioning, I didn't know if that would be a great decision. Sasha's done it very, very well up to this point.
:'''Renee Young''': Wow, an accolade from Graves! I appreciate that.
:'''Corey''': I've never questioned Sasha Banks's talent or her abilities; I question her ability as a human being.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lacey Evans''': Tonight, y'all will witness history. My name is Lacey Evans, and I am the one and only true ''lady'' of WWE. And I am here to clean up this entire women's division.
:'''Tom Phillips''': Lacey Evans just soaking it in.
:'''Renee''': ''[as the music sounds for entry #2: Natalya]'' You don't get these moments very often, Tom, but now, Beth, [[w:The Divas of Doom|your girl]]!
:'''Beth Phoenix''': I hope Lacey enjoyed it while she had it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beth''': ''[on Corey as entry #3, Mandy Rose, enters]'' Look at the smile.
:'''Renee''': I'm so glad you're sitting next to him, Beth, and not me.
:'''Corey''': We are in the desert, but this is no oasis, it is real life! It is God's greatest creation, and the Royal Rumble Match just got downright amazing!
:'''Beth''': Do you ever talk to Mandy Rose in person, or do you just talk about her from here?
:'''Corey''': Listen, I get a little nervous, I sweat a lot, my tongue feels...swollen, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': Listen update, everybody: Mandy Rose is still in the ring.
:'''Renee''': Nobody asked, Graves, but thanks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[on entry #14, Kairi Sane]'' Do the same rules apply about running with a telescope as they do with scissors?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[as Naomi, in danger of elimination, walks the barrier]'' This is incredible. Never mind the fact that I'm disconsolate because Mandy Rose got eliminated, Naomi still hasn't been. ''[Naomi wobbles a little]'' This is nuts.
:'''Tom''': Again, both feet have not touched the floor, Naomi is still technically not eliminated.
:'''Corey''': I don't trust that guy with the red beard, he's probably gonna try and trip her.
:'''Beth''': I feel like I should hold my breath.
:'''Corey''': ''[as Naomi eyes the ring steps]'' There is no way, that is way too far.
:''[Naomi leaps onto the steps]''
:'''Tom''': Heck of a long jump for Naomi. Hey, wait a minute... ''[Mandy Rose yanks her down, eliminating her]'' Mandy Rose still eliminates Naomi!
:'''Corey''': That was magnificent!
:'''Renee''': Naomi's gonna beat her in the parking lot afterwards.
:'''Corey''': Hey, calm down over there! That was wonderful!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[on the mask and claws of entry #20, Zelina Vega]'' I've played ''Street Fighter'' a bunch of times, and I never remembered [[w:Vega (Street Fighter)|''that'' Vega]] looking this good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Corey''': ''[As Charlotte Flair, who has been attacking an injured Becky Lynch (replacing Lana) for several minutes, prepares to charge at Lynch, who has to use the ropes to get up]'' The Queen has become fixated on the injured leg of Becky Lynch, and the Man can barely stand.
:'''Beth''': Charlotte Flair getting methodical, not giving any opportunities to Becky Lynch. She's measuring her.
:'''Tom''': ''[Flair charges at Lynch with a kick, but Lynch ducks and sends Flair over the top rope]'' Oh, Charlotte Flair... ''[Flair lands on the apron]'' Charlotte Flair sent over the top! Sent over the top!
:'''Renee''': ''[Lynch clotheslines Flair]'' OH!
:'''Tom''': Charlotte Flair...
:'''Renee''': ''[Flair falls to the floor, winning Lynch the Rumble]'' OH!
:'''Tom''': CHARLOTTE FLAIR'S BEEN ELIMINATED! BECKY LYNCH IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: Becky Lynch!
:'''Tom''': BECKY DID IT! BECKY DID IT! MAN, OH MAN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[A nearly-eliminated Braun Strowman has just delivered a chokeslam to Seth Rollins and is about to throw Rollins out]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Much like Strowman did at the [[w:WWE Greatest Royal Rumble|Greatest Royal Rumble]], looking to dominate again here tonight and eliminate Seth Rollins, and get the matchup and the champion of his choice at WrestleMania.
:'''John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield''': Brock Lesnar or Daniel Bryan? ''[Strowman dumps Rollins over the top rope, but Rollins stands up on the apron, and headlocks Strowman]''
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh, oh... W-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait! Wait! Wait!
:'''Michael''': And now Seth Rollins, now trying to eliminate Strowman! Strowman in trouble; top rope! Rollins trying to wrestle him down to the floor!
:'''Jerry''': Rollins has a death grip on his head!
:'''Michael''': ''[Rollins takes Strowman over the top rope, onto the apron]'' Strowman trying to hang on; both men are on the apron of the ring!
:'''Jerry''': Ohh… ''[Rollins, still with a headlock on Strowman, is overpowered by Strowman who lifts Rollins onto his shoulders]''
:'''Michael''': And again, the power of Strowman. Look at Strowman! ''[Rollins slips out]'' Rollins, though...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins pushes Strowman into the steel post]'' Whoa!
:'''Michael''': Posting Strowman! Strowman still on the apron.
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins superkicks Strowman in the gut, taking Strowman down]'' Oh!
:'''Michael''': Rollins to the midsection!
:'''Jerry''': One foot.
:'''Michael''': Strowman still staying alive! Rollins...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Rollins Curb Stomps Strowman]'' OH! ACK!
:'''Michael''': ''[Strowman careens to the floor, winning Rollins the Rumble]'' SETH ROLLINS WINS!
:'''Jerry''': OH MY GOD!
:'''Michael''': ROLLINS IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa-oh!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Seth Rollins!
:'''Michael''': Seth Rollins is going to WrestleMania! Seth Rollins has won the Royal Rumble match!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2020)|2020]]==
:'''Tom Phillips''': Right now, Baszler right in at... back in it, but Charlotte -
:'''Corey Graves''': ''[Charlotte Flair, on the apron, clamps the neck of Shayna Baszler with her legs and takes her over the top rope and out, winning the Rumble]'' Whoa!
:'''Tom''': Charlotte Flair is going to WrestleMania!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Charlotte Flair!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I TOLD you guys I was right. This is awesome!
:'''Tom''': She lasted 27:19 from the #17 position, and it was enough to punch her ticket to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Roman Reigns is trying to eliminate Drew McIntyre]'' Reigns is going to eliminate McIntyre and win his second Rumble! Very few men have won more than one; Roman Reigns looking to join the elite here tonight.
:'''Booker T''': ''[McIntyre holds on the top rope. Reigns eventually gives up and attempts a Spear]'' Wow, that's a lot of power by Dr- ''[Booker is cut off, as just as Roman is about to spear McIntyre, McIntyre suddenly delivers a Claymore Kick]''
:'''Michael''': CLAYMORE! CLAYMORE BY McINTYRE! McINTYRE... ''[McIntyre throws Reigns out, winning the Rumble]'' WOW! DREW McINTYRE'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: Drew McIntyre!
:'''Corey''': All I can say is that it is about damn time!
:'''Michael''': Drew McIntyre has never had an opportunity at a WWE or Universal Championship. He's going to get his chance, after winning the Royal Rumble!
:'''Corey''': And there is a standing ovation at Minute Maid Park, and deservedly so. Over 40,000 fans standing in appreciation for Drew McIntyre! What an effort!
==[[w:Royal Rumble (2021)|2021]]==
:'''Tom Phillips''': And now Ripley and Belair, center of the ring... hold on a sec! ''[Rhea Ripley attempts to hit Riptide on Bianca Belair, but Belair escapes and takes Ripley up for the KOD]'' Looking for Riptide.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Oh no! Oh no!
:'''Bryon Saxton''': OH...
:'''Tom''': Belair! 
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:'''Tom''': Belair with the KOD... ''[Belair attempts the KOD, but Ripley lands on her feet]'' no! Ripley lands on her feet.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, this is great... Oh! Oh, no!
:'''Tom''': Ripley over the top...
:'''Jerry''': ''[Belair throws Ripley out, winning the Rumble]'' Oh, no!
:'''Tom''': BIANCA BELAIR IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Mike Rome''': Here is your winner: Bianca Belair!
:'''Bryon''': I'm out of time... I told you, King! Congratulations Bianca Belair! The EST is headed to WrestleMania!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Seth Rollins has Edge set up for the Stomp]'' Rollins and Edge! And Rollins going for the Stomp! ''[But Edge catches Rollins before he can execute the Stomp, grabs his legs and tries to throw Rollins out]''
:'''Samoa Joe''': Is he worth it? Oh!
:'''Michael''': Rollins trying to hang on!
:'''Joe''': Edge got him and trying to eliminate him!
:'''Michael''': Edge trying to eliminate Rollins... ''[But Rollins'' can't ''hold on, as Edge throws him out, seemingly winning the Rumble]'' ROLLINS ELIMINATED! EDGE HAS DONE IT! ''[But suddenly, Randy Orton comes in from behind and RKO's Edge]'' WAIT A MINUTE! OUT OF NOWHERE, AN RKO BY ORTON! ORTON'S BACK IN THE MATCH! Orton was never eliminated! Randy Orton... ''[Orton attempts to throw Edge out, but Edge counters it]'' EDGE!
:'''Corey Graves''': Oh... oh...
:'''Michael''': DUMPS ORTON!
:'''Corey''': ''[Edge throws Orton out, finally winning the Rumble]'' WHAT?
:'''Michael''': EDGE WINS! EDGE WINS! EDGE'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
:'''Greg Hamilton''': Here is your winner: the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
:'''Michael''': Edge wins his second Royal Rumble, 11 years to the day from his [[w:Royal Rumble (2010)|first victory]]!
:'''Joe''': An absolute unbelievable, a monumental effort!
:'''Corey''': Edge just achieved the impossible!
:'''Michael''': Over 58 minutes Edge lasted this match, to pick up the victory. And he becomes the third person in history ''[after [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] in 1995 and [[w:Chris Benoit|Chris Benoit]] in 2004]'' to win the Rumble match by running the table all the way from spot #1!

==[[w:Royal Rumble (2022)|2022]]==
:'''Bryon Saxton''': ''[After staring down &quot;Rowdy&quot; Ronda Rousey for quite some time, Charlotte Flair charges at Rousey and attempts to kick her head off; Rousey, however, catches her]'' Charlotte Flair charging, getting caught by Rousey!
:'''Jimmy Smith''': Little too aggressive! Ronda Rousey underneath her... ''[Rousey throws Flair out, winning the Rumble]'' AND SHE'S ELIMINATED!
:'''Corey Graves''': NO!
:'''Jimmy''': RONDA ROUSEY REIGNS SUPREME!
:'''Mike Rome''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match, and the person who will main-event WrestleMania is: &quot;Rowdy&quot; Ronda Rousey!
:'''Corey''': We knew she was the baddest woman on the planet, and now, once again, she's the baddest woman to headline WrestleMania!
:'''Bryon''': We have not seen Ronda Rousey in action since she lost the Raw Women's Championship at Wrestlemania a couple of years ago, and she... now what a way to make your return! Ronda Rousey has punched her ticket to the main event!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[Brock Lesnar has Drew McIntyre up on his shoulders]'' Lesnar with McIntyre up again! Drew McIntyre... ''[Lesnar F5's McIntyre out, winning the Rumble]'' DUMPED OVER THE TOP ROPE! Brock Lesnar's going to WrestleMania!
:'''Samantha Irvin''': The winner of the Royal Rumble match, and the person who will main-event WrestleMania: BROCK LESNAR!
:'''Michael''': 19 years after his first Royal Rumble win, Brock Lesnar repeats!

==External links==
* [http://www.wwe.com/shows/royalrumble WWE Royal Rumble] 
{{wikipedia|Royal Rumble}}

[[Category:Sports television shows]]
[[Category:WWE]]
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dexter's Laboratory</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107775</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150524</id>
      <parentid>3149919</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:40:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2603:6081:3000:2D26:A11A:5A5D:EE20:7E33</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3149919 by [[Special:Contributions/131.100.204.175|131.100.204.175]] ([[User talk:131.100.204.175|talk]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="63537" xml:space="preserve">Episodes

== Season 1 ==
=== Dimwit Dexter ===
*'''Factory Worker #1''': Sir, he can't make much long!
*'''Factory Worker #2''': Just a little longer.
*'''Factory Worker #3''': His sim asses are firing in arming incredibly rage.
*'''Factory Worker #4''': Puncher rising!
*'''Factory Worker #5''': She can't take it!
*'''Factory Worker #6''': She's gonna blow!
*''[Angrily, Dexter's face turns red, and Dexter begins to let out a loud yell with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #7''': RUN!!! (The factory workers flee and run away)
*''[Cut to the outside of Dexter's Lab, Dexter explodes his clothes off and causes fires in his lab]''
*''[The same explosion, the brain factory explodes]''
*''[After the explosion, Dexter was seen naked and filled with rage]''
*'''Factory Worker #8''': Shut it down.
*''[The factory workers shut down the emotion factory]''
*''[After the emotion factory shuts down, Dexter is seen naked and emotionless]''
*'''Factory Worker #9''': He said all the systems have shut down.
*'''Neighbor Boy''': Hey, everyone! Dexter's running around in his underpants! (echoing) Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
*''[As Dexter fills himself to maximum capacity with a water nose,he sprays water everywhere]''

=== Dee Deemensional ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh Dexter! Dexter! Dexter! Come quick! You have to help! It's terrible! You sent me and you're all gross and-
:'''Dexter''': ''[Annoyed]'' This better be important, woman. You are interrupting my very delicate calculations.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have a message for you from the future.
:'''Dexter''': ''[Taps his index finger on the table]'' From the future, huh?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes. You sent me back in time to-
:'''Dexter''': Stop! If there was a message so important that it would require time travel, I would certainly not entrust it to my ''idiot'' sister. I would send myself. In other words...''[Shouting]'' I would not send you back in time even if..! If..if...''[Shouting]'' I was being eaten alive!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[Sobbing]'' Oh Dexter! Why are you being so terrible?!
:'''Dexter''': Please...I have no time for your tears. Why don't you go back outside and talk to trees or whatever it is you do?
:'''Dee Dee''': Fine! I will! And I'm not ever giving you the message! ''[Runs out of the lab, crying]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shrugs it off and continues work]'' Fine with me.

=== Dial M for Monkey: Magmanamus ===

=== Maternal Combat ===
:[''Dad happily returns home to find two smoking robots and the shifty looking kids'']
:'''Dad''': Hello honey! Hello Dexter! Hello Dee Dee! Hello honey! (''heads upstairs'') Hello honey!

=== Dexter Dodgeball ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Hands his excuse note to the &quot;Coach&quot; and happly walks away]'' If you need me, I'll be in the Science Lab.
:'''Substitute Coach''': What is this crap?
:'''Dexter''': ''[Turns around in shock]'' Who are you?
:'''Substitute Coach''': I'm your Substitute Coach.
:'''Dexter''': But, But, But...
:'''Substitute Coach''': '''QUIET!'''
:'''Dexter''':...But My Excuse!
:'''Substitute Coach''': ''[Rips the excuse letter in half]'' What Excuse?! Now! Suit up! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': You're out!

=== Dial M for Monkey: Rasslor ===
:'''Rasslor''': Welcome heroes of Earth!! You have been chosen to receive the most glorious of gifts! The opportunity to face me, the great Rasslor, in a contest of strength and skill! For Aeons, I have scoured the cosmos searching for the one adversary who could provide me with suitable sport! Although, I have yet to find such a noble soul. Each creature, each race, more pitiful than the last. So I spare them the disgrace of their weakness by destroying their worlds! And now my quest has brought me to this timid little planet you call Earth. So, terrestrial heroes, can one of you quench my thirst for the divine conflict, the supreme struggle?! Or will your planet be doomed to the same fate that has befallen so many?
:''[The heroes stare at him, confused]''
:'''Heroes''': ...What?
:'''Rasslor''': Fight me or I destroy the Earth! Now let the games begin!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rasslor''': Incredible. I could crush your body, I could smash your bones, but I could never break your spirit. You are a marvel little monkey. Any world that could spawn one as noble as you is truly blessed. I SPARE YOUR EARTH!!!

=== Dexter's Assistant ===
:'''Dexter''': Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[sweetly]'' Assistant?
:'''Dee Dee''': Yes?
:'''Dexter''': Would you please assist me by...SHUTTING UP!?

=== Dexter's Rival ===
:'''Mandark''': Yes, Dexter, I ''can'' read your thoughts, and I ''am'' smarter than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': Welcome to my laboratory! (Echoing) Laboratory! Laboratory!

=== Jurassic Pooch ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Anybody want to buy a dinosaur? ''[episode ends]''

=== Dee Dee's Room ===
:'''Dexter''': Why am I breathing so hard?

=== Star Spangled Sidekicks ===
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[laughs at Dexter's speech for wanting to be Major Glory's sidekick]''
:'''Dexter''': And what is so humorous about that? ''[Dee Dee continues laughing]'' Dee Dee stop this laughing this instant!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, okay Dexter, don't get your underwear into a wrinkle. Look...You're my brother and all so I'll be honest with ya...''[amused]'' You've gotta be kidding me! ''[seriously]'' You don't got what takes. Just look at ya...''[measures Dexter]'' You're two foot nothing. ''[camera zooms on Dexter's glasses]'' You can barely see ''[puts her arm around Dexter's shoulder]'' and besides everything...You're a dork! ''[smiles]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[yells in frustration]'' 
:'''Dexter''': And I suppose you have what it takes to be a superhero's sidekick?
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shrugs]'' Of course. I have style, pizzazz, and I can punch and kick some. You know. ''[Dexter opens his mouth to talk]'' Yes?
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops it]'' Forget it. ''[walks upstairs]'' There's nothing to be said. I will be Major Glory's sidekick and you will not.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[shouts upstairs]'' That's what you think Dexter!
:'''Dexter''': No, Dee Dee! That's what I know.

=== Game Over ===
:'''Dexter''': 'Master Computer?' Wow dad, thanks, a video game... An OLD video game...
:'''Dad''': Well, I know how much you like gadgets and stuff, Dexter, but what you've got there is more than just a video game: It's a bargain! Got it for a nickel from a gypsy!

=== Babysitter Blues ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee, get off the phone!
:'''Dee Dee''': Okay, but I'm still trying to find whatever it was I was looking for.
:'''Dexter''': Great, okay, bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': Bye.
:'''Dee Dee''': Bye!
:'''Dexter''': BYE!

:'''Dexter''': (''sounds like Lisa's boyfriend on her end of the phone'') Oh, I guess we just got cut off. But I wanted to call you back and tell you that you have got cooties and I am love with....with...my football. Bye.

=== Dream Machine ===
:'''Dexter''': Well, if you are the grandfather of all knowledge, that means it's...'''I'M IN A NIGHTMARE!!!!

=== The Big Cheese ===
:'''Dexter''': Omelette du fromage.

=== Way of the Dee Dee ===
:'''Dexter''': (enraged at Dee Dee) '''WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! YOU ARE SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! '''Oh, and let's not forget...'''''YOU'RE SO STUPID!'''''
:'''Dee Dee''': Ow! (Rubs her face) Oh yeah!? Well just because I know how to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid! I may not know all that scientifical makna logical stuff, but I know how to climb a tree, and I know how to pet a kitty just right. And I know how to tie my own shoes Mr zipper boot!... Actually, I feel sorry for you, Dexter. You're like a pickle - sour, and all bottled up in your laboratory. Toiling away alone in the dark, searching for answers to questions nobody asked. Locked away from the world, never to experience the ''true'' mysteries of life. Well, you can keep your cold, sterile little lab, because for me, the world is my laboratory! Goodbye, Dexter. I shan't impose on you ever again.
:''[She leaves the lab; after a moment of silent contemplation, Dexter rushes out after her]''
:'''Dexter''': DEE DEE! ''[sadly]'' Everything you said was true! I don't want to be a pickle! But I need your help. Show me the way to be free, show me the way of the Dee Dee!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Discard those ravlings which tie you to the lab. ''[Dexter looks down at his clothes]'' There must be a stripping of the old, before you start anew. ''[The next shot shows Dexter in just his underwear and gloves, in a nervous &quot;Ta-Da!&quot; pose]'' AND the gloves. ''[He reluctantly pulls them off]'' Now step into the light.
:'''Dexter''': But, I don't have any sunscreen.
:'''Dee Dee''': Do not fear, little one. The first step is always the hardest.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[slaps Dexter]'' Stop it, Dexter! Look at yourself! You're a MONSTER! No longer a quiet creator but a mad destroyer! ''[sobs]'' I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have pushed you! I know now it wasn't my place to try to change you! Oh Dexter, please forgive me. [Dexter reaches his hand out to Dee Dee. She then leaves the lab]'' OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ''[still sobbing]''

=== Say Uncle Sam ===
:'''Major Glory''': Now we are going to over this again and again and again untill we get it right! Comprende?
:''[Valhallen and Crunk glare at Major Glory angrily]''
:'''Major Glory''': ''[Nervously]'' Perhaps I've pushed you too hard

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Major Glory''': Uncle Sam! What happened to you?!
:'''Uncle Sam''': Doctor's orders, nephew. Told me I was too high strung. Told me to loosen up. And I feel great.

=== Monstory ===
:'''Dexter''': This isn't one of your stupid knock-knock jokes, is it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[as a spider-like monster]'' Dexter! I see you!
:'''Dexter''': ''[drinks a vat of chemical waste nearby and confronts Dee Dee as a Godzilla-like monster]'' This ends now!
:'''Dee Dee''': But I'm not finished!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee defeats Dexter after they fight as giant monsters]''
:'''Dee Dee''': NOW you'll listen! So the boy told the girl in the park on the pony... &quot;Knock-knock!&quot;
:'''Dexter''': NOOOOOO!!!!

== Season 2 ==
=== Beard to Be Feared ===
:'''Dee Dee''': That is one rugged brother...
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': Shut your mouth!
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm only talkin' 'bout Dexter.
:'''Mee-Mee and Lee-Lee''': We can dig it.

=== Ant Pants ===
:'''Dexter''': Ants are...
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.
:'''Dee Dee''': Icky!
:'''Dexter''': To be respected.

=== Chubby Cheese ===
:'''Evil Commander''': We will meet again, little man.
:'''Pedro The Mouse''': Yes!

=== That Crazy Robot ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': (To Dee Dee) Dee Dee, you've got to go to school.
:'''Dee Dee''': (To the robot) School schmool. I want to stay home and play with you!
:'''Robot''': I'll come to school with you.
:'''Dee Dee''': Silly robot! School is for kids.
:'''Robot''': Please? I'll polish your pencils, carry your books, eat your sandwich, yum. (bites sandwich)

=== D &amp; DD ===
:'''Dee Dee:''' You can be this guy!
:'''Dexter''': What?!
:'''Valerian''': Well, it seems Hodo the furry-footed burrower has joined in our quest!
:'''Dexter''': I don't wanna be no furry-footed burrower.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I unsheath my deadly...mandolin?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee/Bachelorette''': Okay, say we're stranded alone on an island. Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?
:'''Dexter/Hodo''': I'd dig holes.

=== Hamhocks and Armlocks ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[Shouting at the truck passing by]'' Hey! Who do you think you are?! King of the Road?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': What are Hamhocks?
:'''Dee Dee''': They're gross!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You can humilate me. You can destroy my property. But don't you ever close a door on a lady, especially my Wife! You and me wrestle. Be there...or be square!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Earl! You ready, Earl? Let's do this!

=== The Koos is Loose ===
:'''Koosalagoopagoop''': You know, if you turn your lips inside out, you can look like Jimmy Carter.

=== Book 'Em ===
:'''Dexter''': More learning material...? ''[gasps and looks at the library stamp]'' No stamp?! This book has been illegally checked out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mrs L''': Oh, Dexter, how could you? Your actions have brought shame upon this library! For this you shall be punished! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY '''FOREVER!''' ''[stamps Dexter's head that is written banned as he falls he saw Mrs L's face, three biting books, Dee Dee's creepy face with creepy teeth Dexter's Dad's face and the fire that resembles hell]''
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
:'''Dee Dee''': Good-bye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You are welcome.
:'''Dexter''': AAAAAAAAAAHH! ''[falls into the hole from the book written inferno Dante's with the pitchfork sign on it as he landed on a book chair]''
:'''Devil''': ''[slaps Dexter while he is laughing at Dexter]'' Welcome to library heck. ''[then he starts the evil laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': The book must be returned. Just do it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! Librari-ann! We quit! You win!
:'''Dexter''': Traitor!
:'''Mrs L''': What? Why, Dee Dee, thank you for apprehending your loudmouth brother. I see good things in your future. ''[to Dexter, unhappily]'' And as for you, Mr. Dexter...
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles to himself and shakes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[reading a story for Dee Dee and several other kids]'' And so, after Prince asked Mr. Grumpster to leave nicely, everyone in Snuggleville gave each other a warm, fuzzy hug. The end. ...Blech.

=== Shoo, Shoe Gnomes ===
* ''[After learning that Dee Dee was gonna pass out cookies to the gnomes]''
* '''Dexter''': Stupid me.

=== Lab of the Lost ===
:'''Dexter''': Look, there's R2-D2!

=== Labels ===
* ''[Later that night, Dexter guzzles down apple juice and cannot stop drinking it despite his bloated belly]''
* ''[Dexter, who has somehow gotten the &quot;Dee Dee&quot; label off, and Dee Dee are being made to clean off every single label as punishment for the mess they made]''
* '''Dexter''': I sure hope you're happy, Dee Dee, considering this is all your fault.
* '''Dee Dee''': No way! '''''YOU''''' started it, Dorkster! '''''YOU''''' put labels on all my dolls!
* '''Dexter''': Well, you were the one that labeled all the food!
* '''Dexter's Mom''': Honey, why is the carpet all wet here?

=== Filet of Soul ===
:'''Dad''': What can we say about our beloved Fishy?
:'''Dee Dee''': Not much, we only had him for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Good night Einstein. Good night Major Glory! Good night, ghost of dead Fishy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! Did you see the disgusting spook-fish that almost killed me?
:'''Dee Dee''': No. I just like to run around and scream real loud!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! ''[Dee Dee is flushed down into the toilet bowl]'' No! Dee Dee, come back! Dee Dee, I'm ordering you to come out of this toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[her apparition appears in the shower]'' ''Dexter, help me! I am trapped in the Sewer Beyond!''
:'''Dexter''': No, you're not! I just saw you go down the toilet!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Listen to me! There's lots of bad fishies and stuff here and they won't let me go! They won't rest until Fishy is on the other side! You've got to flush Fishy, Dexter!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[tries to reach Fishy's corpse]'' Can't reach! It's no use! My arms, they are too short!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''Come on, genius boy! Figure it out!''
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs a toilet plunger and pulls Dee Dee out. The apparition of Dee Dee disappears from the shower and Dee Dee is freed]'' Dee Dee, flush the fish, NOW!
:''[Dee Dee tosses Fishy's corpse into the toilet bowl and flushes it down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Whew! I'm sure glad that's over. Huh?
:''[A tentacle extends out of the toilet bowl, grabs Dee Dee and pulls her back into the toilet]''
:'''Dexter''': LOOK OUT! EGAD!
:'''Dee Dee''': Help me! Dexter, it's pulling me back, and they're angry, Dexter, REAL ANGRY!
:'''Dexter''': ''[grabs the handle trying to pull Dee Dee free]'' Why?! We flushed the stupid fish!
:'''Dee Dee''': Its soul, Dexter! It's still in the trap! ''[the Apparition Containment Unit shakes up with a WARNING signal active in Dexter's room]'' DO SOMETHING! ''[Dexter reaches for the fishing rod and grabs it just as the toilet begins flushing her down]'' HEEEEEEEELP!!!
:''[Dexter casts his fishing rod. The line extends from the bathroom to Dexter's room, at which point the hook presses the containment unit's &quot;open&quot; button. This frees Fishy's soul and he follows the fishing line's path into the bathroom. Just as Dexter pulls Dee Dee out of the toilet, Fishy happily goes down into it and travels into the Sewer Beyond, departing into the afterlife. Dad then walks in to see the two of them sitting of the floor.]''
:'''Dad''': How many times have I told you? Early morning is daddy's special bathroom privacy time. ''[Upon the flash of lightning, he gains golden glowing eyes with slit pupils and sharp teeth and laughs maniacally]''

=== Golden Diskette ===
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': You crazy girl! Look what you've done!
:'''Professor Hawk''': Not to worry boys. ''[to Dee Dee]'' Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening here, Professor?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Oh, now, boys, hold on. It's very simple. You see, for the past several years I focused on brain power leading my body to wither. But this young princess reminded me how important my body was, with her innocence and naivety.
:'''Dexter and Prof. Hawk's fans''': Princess?! But what about the mysterious grand prize?
:'''Professor Hawk''': Mmm-hmm. You're right. I've got it! Let's have dance contest. Whoever wins, wins the factory!

=== Snowdown ===
:'''Dexter''': I know she is my sister, a girl and the neighbourhood champ, but could you please tell Dee Dee to stop PUMMELLING ME WITH SNOWBALLS?!
:'''Dad''': Did you say...snowballs?
:'''Dexter''': Uh....Yeah....
:'''Dad''': They...called me Champ. Back when I had...the gift. (''flashes back to his childhood'') I was a natural from day one. As I grew, so did my skills. In high school, I was untouchable!
:'''High school kid''': Hey, grow up man!
:'''Dad (VO)''': They were all just jealous! Jealous of my powers! For I was a king, a force of nature, I was the ultimate snowball warrior! Then I went to college. I was never the same again! (''remembers being struck by one snowball'')
:'''Dad''': That....was the coldest winter...ever... But that's where you come in! You can help me reclaim my title!
:'''Dexter''': Why not just let Dee Dee do it?
:'''Dad''': No! Her powers are evil. Only as father and son can we truly carry on the legacy. Let the training begin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Dexter, five words: Scoop, roll, throw, hit, duck!

=== Mock 5 ===
:'''Dad''': The first thing any racer needs is a car! All the best racers drive cars it's how they go but cars don't grow on trees! Except this one 'cos it's made of wood. Behold, the Mock 5!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mandark''': It's Racer D! The most beautiful racer in the world! Racer D.... ''[crashes his kart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': I can't look, did he crash? No! No, he did just the opposite, he won! Winning is the part I enjoy most about racing especially when the winner is my son! Congratulations Dexter, you've made me very proud.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Dad''': If only your.... ''[sniffling]'' older sister Dee Dee were here to see this...
:'''Dee Dee''': I'm right here, Dad!
:'''Dad''': Oh, Dee Dee..! Dee Dee, where have you been all these years?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Right behind you.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you know I never look back there, ha-ha!
'''Dexter''': Huh?! No, Monkey! That's not candy! That's boiling lava!

=== Ewww That's Growth ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, looks like we're next. Dexter?!
:'''Dexter''': Oh boy! Oh boy! We're next!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I'm on top of the WORLD!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': This is the greatest day of my entire life! ''[his head gets hit by the top edge of the roller coaster's tunnel]''

=== A Hard Day's Day ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Mom! Dexter's mooning me!

=== Road Rash ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Can't catch me!

=== The Justice Friends: Things That Go Bonk in the Night ===
:'''Major Glory''': You want a piece of me, junior?!
:'''Puppet Pal Mitch''': Oh-hoo! You're bonking up the wrong tree, buddy!

=== Dexter is Dirty ===
:'''Mom''': Dex, it's time for your bath!
:'''Dexter''': But I'll miss my show!
:'''Mom''': Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

=== Ice Cream Scream ===
:'''Ice Cream Man''': You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?
:'''Dexter''': Remember what?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?
:'''Dexter''': Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! '''ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES!!''' (''screams angrily, then breathes hardly'')
:'''Dexter''': (''chuckles'') You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Forget about it, kid.
:'''Dexter''': Well, in that bad case, can I order my ice cream now?
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Sure.
:'''Dexter''': I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. (''The Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream'') At last, ice cream to eat!
:'''Ice Cream Man''': Dollar fifty, please.
:'''Dexter''': (''gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man'') You got change for a hundred?
:(''Ice Cream Man screams angrily again'')

=== Ultrajerk 2000 ===
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.
:'''Dexter''': Emm, excuse me. But, did you say ''your'' laboratory?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator ''obsolete''. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.
:'''Dexter''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I heard that. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]''
:'''Dexter''': His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Attention, new organism. You are intruding in my laboratory. Prepare to be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey, Dexter, what are you doing way up there?
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': I am not Dexter. Dexter is obsolete. I am Ultrabot 2000.
:'''Dee Dee''': Gee, Dexter. You look like Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Not Dexter. Ultrabot 2000. Dexter is obsolete.
:'''Dee Dee''': You sound like Dexter too, Dexter.
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': Dexter is obsolete and must be destroyed. I am Omnibot, the most efficient life form in the universe.
:'''Dee Dee''': Boy, you sure act like Dexter. And if you look like Dexter, sound like Dexter and act like Dexter, then you MUST be Dexter!
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units aim at it]'' I am not Dexter. Dexter must be destroyed.
:'''Dee Dee''': Whatever you say, Dexter. OK, see you later, Dexter. ''[leaves]''
:'''Ultrabot 2000''': No. Wait. Don't listen to her. ''[Ultrabot 4000 Observation Units attack it and the control tower explodes]'' ''[Dexter approaches Omnibot's slightly active eye and kicks it, shutting it down]''

=== Dee Dee Be Deep ===
* Dee Dee: [Singing] What's with all the noise, Dexter?!

=== The Muffin King ===
*'''Dad''':  Like?  Like?!  Kids, I loved her muffins more than life itself.  Those muffins are the reason I married your mother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''': [Dressed as Mom] Muffin Time!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
*'''Dad''':[Hidden in the dark] Dexter.  Son, could you come in here for a moment?  I need to talk to you.
*'''Dexter''':  And just what is it you want?
*'''Dad''':[steps out of the shadows, with a presence like Darth Vader] Dexter.  I... am your father!
*'''Dexter'''[shocked]That is not possible![but returns back to reality]Oh wait, no, you're right.
*'''Dad''': So join me!  Come to the Muffin Side.  Do not resist.  It is your destiny.
*'''Dexter''': Never!

=== Dexter Detention ===
:'''Dexter''': We are free!!!
:'''Prison Warden''': Looks like you broke into the state prison.

=== Don't Be a Baby ===
:'''Dexter''': Computer, what the heck is going on?!
:'''Computer''': Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm, yes, pee-pee...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Dad stop being a stinker!
:''[She picks Dad up and then sniffs the air smelling something stinky]
:'''Dee Dee''': Ew, speaking of stinky...time to change your diaper!
:''[She sets Dad down on the floor and proceeds to change his diaper, afterwards holding up the dirty diaper which has a large brown spot on the seat]
:'''Dee Dee''': That's better...now a little powder.
:''[She sprinkles a whole lot of baby powder which fills the air causing Dad to cough]
:'''Dee Dee''': All done!

=== Topped Off ===
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Hmm... What the? ''[cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk]'' The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here. ''[eyes go open]'' ''[searches through cabinets]'' Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee? '''WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!?!?!'''
:'''Dee Dee''': Uh...
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': We drank it all. ''[Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': You... drank the coffee? ''[laughs]'' ''You'' two drank the coffee?
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[nervous giggling]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': ''[laughing]'' ''[goes upset]'' Where did I go wrong? I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No. You've got youth. We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... ''[holds up empty coffee pot]'' THIS!!! ''[tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out]'' Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life. But this... this is just... ''[lowers his voice to a hiss]'' ''SICK!'' ''[sobbing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dexter and Dee standing in front of Dexter's parents in their morning clothes drinking coffee]''
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Everything is going to be OKAY! We had coffee after all! ''[with a bit frightened look]'' But what if we didn't?

=== No Power Trip ===
:'''Dad''': Hon, when's the last time we washed the car?

=== The Laughing ===
:'''Clown''': Joke time! Joke time! Joke time! Alright, kids. Why is 6 afraid of 7? (beat) 'Cause 7 8 9! 
:''[the kids, minus Dexter, burst into laughter]'' 
:'''Dexter''': I don't get it.

=== Dexter's Lab: A Story ===
:[''The dog is roaming around under the table sniffing around the family'']
:'''Dad''': So, Dexter, where's your new buddy? Oh! Well, hello down there!
:'''Dog''': Hey! It's the man from before!
:'''Mom''': Oh!
:'''Dog''': This one's a lady!
:'''Mom''': He certainly is friendly.
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh!!!!!!! Yeah, a little ''too'' friendly.
:'''Dog''': IT'S THE STICK!

=== Better Off Wet ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmm... Now where was I going? (a bit of the roof lands on her head) POOL! (She takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap) Hurry up, Dexter! (rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water)
:'''Dexter''': I am not ready yet. (He takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks)
:'''Dexter's Mom''': Dexter, ready to get wet?!
:'''Dexter''': Almost!! (he rubs sunscreen onto his arms)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': (he appears behind Dexter's Mom) Hi, Dexter! (the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter)
:'''Dexter''':  NO!!! (He takes off)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Dexter? (He looks around)
:'''Dexter''':  (blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe) Phew... 
:'''Dexter's Mom''':  (She jumps into the pool) Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!
:'''Dexter''': Okay, Mom.
:''' Mee Mee and Lee Lee''': Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hi, girls, come on in!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boy, they sure are talented.
:'''Dexter''': You said it. (realizes Dad was right next to him)
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Boo!
:'''Dexter''': (he screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but he only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while) Phew!
:'''Dexter's Dad''': Darn, I just can't get that kid! (He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool) Oh, well! (Dad pushes Mom into the pool)
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dexter's Dad''':  Good job, son, you finally made it in the pool.
:'''Dexter''': Thanks, Dad, I don't know I was so shy of the water. (Dexter's Parents and sister laugh because Dexter is naked because he has lost his trunks!)

=== Let's Save the World You Jerk! ===
:''[Earth is destroyed by meteors]''
:'''Dexter''': That was all your fault, you gnome!
:'''Mandark''': No way! You're taking the heat for this one, Dexter!

=== Rushmore Rumble ===
:'''Dexter''': [screaming]
:'''Dee Dee''': HI DEXTER! Penny for your throughts?
:'''Dexter''': I'm thinking Lincoln!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Timmy, why don't you go and play outside?
:'''Timmy''': Is it safe?
:'''Timmy's Mom''': Well if course it is.
:'''Timmy''': Okay. ''[runs outside the house]'' La La La La La La La La La La La. ''[plays with toy cars, sees the giant statues of Washington and Lincoln walking by, then screams, runs back to the house and slams the door]''

=== The Old Switcharooms ===
:'''Mom''': You Kids are in big trouble.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee and Dad enter Dee Dee's room and see that Dexter has destroyed it and is naked]''
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[gasps]'' Dexter, you're naked! ''[knocks the trophy out Dad's hands, destroying it]''
:'''Dexter''': Now look what you did Dee Dee. You clumsy fool!
:'''Dad''': Argh!
:''[Cut to Dexter who is now in the doghouse, having switched &quot;rooms&quot; with the family dog]''
:'''Dexter''': Uh? Well, at least I don't have to worry about the dog destroying my lab.
:''[Cut to the dog barking and howling and destroying Dexter's lab]''

=== Trick or Treehouse ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Well, well. Look who's smaller than a breadbox.
:'''Dexter''': ''[inside the breadbox]'' Dee Dee! Let me out of here!
:'''Dee Dee''': Ha! I didn't know you could stick your beak into my business, and to get even, I get to go play around in your lab.
:'''Dexter''': Please! Dee Dee! No! No! Let me out!
:'''Dee Dee''': See you 'round, shortbread!
:'''Dexter''': Dee Dee! No! No! Please! Let me out! No! No! Please! No! No! No! No!
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[giggles in Dexter's laboratory]''
:'''Dexter''': Please! No! No!

=== Accent You Hate ===
:'''Gary''': You know, kid. You’ve got a funny accents. And if you haven’t read I hate kids with funny accents.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gary''': Get away from me! SHUT UP! '''''I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!'''''
:''[The statue punches Gary. The kids gasp. Gary's face grows red and big]''
:'''Gary''': My face! It hurts!
:'''Pirate Kid''': Arr! Now look who has the funny accent!

=== DiM ===
:'''Dee Dee''': You know they're all gonna burn out eventually.
:'''Dexter''': I know...

=== Repairanoid === 
:'''Mom''': When an electrical problem arises, I call a specialist! ''[Dad appears with a helmet and tool belt]'' No, honey. Not you.

=== sdrawkcaB (Backwards) ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[wears a Reverse Belt and walks backwards]'' !skrow tI !skrow tI .elbidercni si siht ,woW .snoitca nwo ym esrever yllautca oT ''[to Robot]'' .drawrof ,hguone si taht ,toboR ,yakO .drawroF ''[starts to get angry]'' --rof ,ydaerla thgirlA ''[gasps in reverse]'' .em ylliS ''[laughs in reverse]'' .mehA ''[to normal]'' ''Forward''.
:'''Robot''': Forward. ''[sets the lever from Reverse to Forward to Red to Green]''
:'''Dexter''': ''[walks normally]'' Wow, my Reverse Belt is a success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Reverse! ''[[falling up with activating switch]'' ''Forward!'' ''[falling down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' Dee Dee?! ''[switch activates]'' !?eeD eeD ''[gasps in reverse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': You! What do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea what trouble you have been causing? First, I lose my lunch, and then Mom is gonna kill me, and Dad is probably in the hospital, and another thing--

=== The Continuum of Cartoon Fools ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah... Now I can get some work done in peace.
:[''The screen pans over to reveal Dee Dee working on an invention'']:
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey Dexter, can you please pass the atomizer?
:'''Dexter''': Oh certainly. (He than screams in shock that Dee Dee has gotten in his lab again, and Dee Dee unwillingly screams with him. They both stop and breath very hard.)
:'''Dexter''': (Dexter began to get angry.) All right, how the heck did you get in here?! (He pushes her to a tube) Did you get in through the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter? (He presses a button and then Dee Dee started to inflate with her body over filling the tube she was in. She then turns completely flat and then is rushed down a very narrow passage way.) Yes! (Dexter then pulls out a lazer gun called the discom bobulatur and zaps the 2-Dimensional Facial Filter destroying it. Dee Dee now completely flat suddenly walks up to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': Did you get in through the secret Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port? (He tosses the flat Dee Dee inside, presses a button, and Dee Dee was absorbed into molecules and is shot out of the lab. Dexter then grabs out a lazer gun called the meltron and zaps the Molecular Disconfiguration Access Port melting it. Dee Dee in normal shape again appears next to Dexter.)
:'''Dee Dee''': No.
:'''Dexter''': A ha! You came in through the secret Sky Port. (They come into a room with a pigeon in it. The pigeon coos at them.)
:'''Dee Dee''': You're kidding?
:'''Dexter''': Cassius, emergency exit! (Cassius then grabs on to Dee Dee's pigtails and flies her out of the lab.)
:'''Cassius''': It's a living.
:'''Dexter''': (Boards up the sky port.) Phew

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:[''Dexter swallows the key to the secret bookcase entrance'']
:'''Dexter''': THERE! NOW NO ONE'S GETTING IN! ''[maniacal laugh]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Hmmm... Yep. ''No one's'' getting into Dexter's Lab now. ''[leaves]''
:''[Dexter's smile of insanity turns into a look of horror]''
:'''Dexter''':  ......Uhhh, oh my dear... In my overwhelming zeal to banish my sister from the lab, I have indeed locked myself out! Too blinded was I not to foresee the most piteous of fates. I have thus performed the ultimate tragic irony! ''[now standing in front of the 'The End' title card]'' Surely, I am the fool of fools on a par with no other. I am no better than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wile_E._Coyote that stupid coyote] or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffy_Duck that crazy duck]! Look at me, ''look at me!'' I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated and alone...

=== Misplaced in Space ===
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': (''translating on his watch'') 'Food?' Yeah, 'food'. You ate mine, yours, and everybody else's!
:'''Alien''': Gork.
:'''Dexter''': You can't still be hungry
:'''Alien''': Gork...
:'''Dexter''': Wh...Why are you looking at me like that?
:'''Alien''': GORK!

=== Dee Dee's Rival ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Dexter! Dexter! ''[Dexter smashed his control with a hammer]'' Oh Dexter. I'm so glad you're here! I need your help! There's a new girl in dance class and she thinks she's better than me. And I want to be a star of the show and thought... 
:'''Lala Vala''': ...use your science junk to help me beat that skinny creep.
:'''Dee Dee''': I have to win, Dexter. Or else...
:'''Lala Vala''': ...I'll be forced to break your nerdy...
:'''Dee Dee''': ...face any of the kids in class again! Please! Oh please! Oh... 
:'''Mandark''': ...Oh Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! I'll do it. 
:'''Dexter''': But you better keep up your end of the bargain and I'll handle the rest. 
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh thank you, Dexter. ''[kisses Dexter's nose and laughs]''
:'''Lala Vala''' ''[flings Mandark's nose and laughs]''

=== Pslightly Psycho ===
:'''Dexter, Dee Dee and Dad''': Happy Mother's Day!
:'''Mom''': New Gloves!

=== Blackfoot and Slim ===
:'''Narrator''': The Concrete Jungle. Deep within its seemingly endless towers, glass, steel and mortar, life exists.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': For someday, we shall return to check up on this wonderful creature. This wonderful world of Blackfoot.

=== Trapped With a Vengeance ===
:'''Yani:''' ''[narrating]'' My job is simple. After the designated hours of education, the children exit to return home, while I clean, sweep and prepare their environment for the next day of education in sterile surroundings. For I am Yani the janitor. It is an uncomplicated job that leaves me much time after to spend with my beloved wife, but one children continues to complicate situation and torture. Night after night, he stays much time past designated hours, and when he decides to go he leaves a residue of filth that prolongs me for my beloved for several more hours. And when I return home, my love is taking a slumber and waking her would be catastrophical. So I wait and I plan, until the day that he will be to exit quickly for something important, for then I will have him... TRAPPED WITH A VENGEANCE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Yani:''' Yello, Dexter. 
:'''Dexter:''' What're ya, crazy or somethin'?!

=== The Parrot Trap ===
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' (angrily) I am not a cookie!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Dexter's a cookie!
:'''Dexter:''' Am not!
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' Are too, cookie! (''Dexter violently shakes the stick the parrot is on, and it switches into Dexter's voice'') I'm gonna bop you one, girl! (''Dexter slams the parrot onto his desk, and it segues back into Dee Dee's voice) COOKIE! (Dexter repeatedly slams the parrot onto the table, until it is later seen beaten nearly into submission, and is flying away)
:'''Dexter:''' Good riddance! That has to be my worst invention yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Who's trying to sneak up on me?
:'''Parrot:''' Dexter, boy genius. Dexter the cookie!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Shhhh I'm trying to watch my show!
:'''Parrot:''' I'm gonna bop you!
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' That is no way to talk to you-
:'''Parrot:''' You are a stupid girl! Get out get out get out! Yup yup yup! Don't touch anything!
:''(Dexter's Dad crawls away in fear)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' I-I-I-I-I'm sorry
:'''Dexter's Parrot:''' (in Dee Dee's voice) You're a cookie! (in Dexter's voice) Get out get out get out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Alright, let's see. I'll need two eggs...
:''(Dexter's Mom cracks open two eggs and places them into the cooking bowl beside her)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' One stick of butter...
:''(Takes a stick of butter placed near her and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A half a cup of sugar...
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to the left side of the kitchen counter where several containers lay as well as Dexter's Parrot. Mom takes some sugar and places it into the cooking bowl)''
:''(Dexter's Mom walks over to a spice rack inside the kitchen where various spices are seen as well as Dexter's Parrot from out of nowhere)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A pinch of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of cinnamon.
:'''Parrot:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A quart of pepper.
:'''Parrot:''' A box of olives.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A box of peppers.
:'''Parrot:''' Yup, yup, yup!
:''(Dexter's Mom opens the refrigerator door inside the kitchen where the Parrot is seen inside once again)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Parrot:''' A block of cheese.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A gallon of milk.
:'''Parrot:''' A gallon of milk.
:''(Dexter's Mom takes the Parrot out of the refridgerator)''
:'''Parrot:''' Are you sneaking up on me?!?
:''(Mom back at the kitchen counter using the Parrot as a coffee boiler and pouring it into the bowl)''
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' A cup of coffee.
:'''Parrot:''' A cup of coffee.
:''(Mom settles the Parrot back down on the counter)'' 
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Beans! 
:'''Parrot:''' Beans!
:''(Cookies fly out of the bowl suddenly)''
:'''Parrot:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Cooooooooookies!
:'''Parrot:''' Worms and plastic minnows.
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' Now wait just a minute here! ...... Where am I gonna get worms and plastic minnows?
:'''Parrot:''' The Florida Everglades!
:''(Mom is seen immediately backing the car out of the house's driveway and driving away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(Dexter has smashed the parrot to keep it from revealing his lab)''
:'''Dexter's Dad:''' Dexter!
:'''Dexter's Mom:''' How many times have I told you not to throw the bird?
:'''Dexter:''' But Mom, it's not a *real* bird. I built it in my secret laboratory.
:''(Dexter, realizing he just blabbed what the parrot didn't, claps his mouth shut)''
:'''Dee Dee:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Now you'll have to erase Mom and Dad's memories...again!
:'''Parrot:''' Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter. Smooth move, Dexter.

=== Dexter and Computress Get Mandark! ===
:'''Dexter''': You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!

=== Dexter vs Santa's Claws ===
:'''Dad''': Dexter, what do you have to say for yourself?
:'''Dexter''': Well, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas. Again. But, isn't Christmas really about the family, and the love and the sharing and... Oh, Christmas tree! Oh, Christmas tree!
:'''Dee Dee''': You blockhead! That's not what Christmas is about!
:'''Dexter''':It's not? Then what is it about?
:'''Santa Claus''': The presents. Ho ho ho!

=== Dyno-Might === 
:'''Dynomutt''': Oooooh, what does this button do?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dad''': Nice uniform. You on some kind of sports team?
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon.
:'''Dad''': Oh, yeah, the Falcons! You guys didn't do so well last season.
:'''Blue Falcon''': I'm the Blue Falcon!
:'''Dad''': Aww, don't be blue!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': I don't understand! This isn't like my old Dynomutt at all!
:'''Dexter''': Well... He's not, I built you an all-new one.
:'''Blue Falcon''': What? Why?
:'''Dexter''': Well, the old one was just a goofy idiot sidekick.
:'''Blue Falcon''': He wasn't JUST a goofy idiot sidekick! He was a....go-go dog person! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Blue Falcon''': Remember, Dexter: It's a goofy idiot sidekick that makes a superhero SUPER.

=== LABretto ===
:'''Dad''': ''[Singing]'' My goodness, my gracious, when will this day be done? Will I have a girl or will I have a son?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[singing sadly as the spotlight shines on him]'' This is not fantasy. This is reality. I'm stuck for my life! I'm stuck and I'll be stuck forever! With...my sister... ''[Yelling]'' DEE DEE!

=== Last But Not Beast ===
:'''Dad''': Secret laboratory? Now, Dexter, we need to straight a few things up with this secret laboratory business!

==Film==
=== [[w:Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip|Dexter's Laboratory: Ego Trip]] ===

:''[The Mandarks rally to stop the Dexters from getting the Neurotomic Proto-Core]''
:'''Young Mandark''': NOOO! I've always wanted the Core!
:'''Adult Mandark''': NOOO! I stole the Core!
:'''Overlord Mandark''': NOOO! The Core is mine!
:'''Mandark's Brain''': NOOO! Just because I'm bitter and jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': ''[thundering voice from inside a tower]'' WHOO DARES TO DISTURB THE GREAT DEXTER WHILE HE DROPS SCIENCE UPON THE WORLD?
:'''Dexter''': We are the Dexters of the past. We have come from the past to try to reach your all-knowing presence!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': PRESENTS? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY? I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Old Man Dexter''': I remember! I REMEMBER! Dee Dee was the one who saved the future!
:'''Dexter''': What? No way!
:'''Adult Dexter''': That didn't just happen!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I wanted to be the one who saved the future!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Argh! That girl!
:''[The Dexters start building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': I'll teach her to mess up my future savings.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Yeah, we'll show her!
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Ooh, that little ding dong!
:'''Old Man Dexter''': We'll get her once and for all!
:''[The Dexters finish building robots.]''
:'''Dexter''': Robots! Destroy the one who saved the future! ''[The robots walk towards the time machine.]'' Well. Huh. That should take care of Dee Dee. It looks like the future is back on track.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': I've got a lot of cleaning up to do but with a positive flow of the core everything should work out fine.
:'''Dexter''': Well then, we should be getting back to our own times. Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Muscular Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Adult Dexter''': Goodbye, Dexter.
:'''Old Man Dexter''': Goodbye, Billy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Boy, that wasn't exactly what I expected, but I did turn out pretty cool in the future. ''[sees himself fighting the robots and is surprised]'' Wait a minute, I'm still here fighting those robots. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' But wait, those are the robots I just built to get Dee Dee while we're building the future. But now I'm about to destroy them before I even decide to go into the future. So, that means when I came back, I came back too far. Back before I ever left. So I must have come... No I... Or they were... Oh, forget it. Time travel hurts my brain.

==Season 3==
===Streaky Clean===

:'''Dexter''': [singing] Making the science, la la, la, making the science- [He grabs a test tube and it accidentally flies upwards.] Oopsy. [It falls on the table, splattering on his shirt.] Oh, would you look at that? How could I concentrate to the full capacity of my genius covered in such a filth? [He walks away] Blech!

(Dexter, now in his room, is undressing himself and replaces his messy lab coat, gloves and shoes with new, clean ones from his closet. After redressing, he jumps triumphantly.)

:'''Dexter''': [He walks back to his work area.] Now, back to the business. [He begins mixing his substance again.] Yes, yes! [He mixes more vigorously] This will be my greatest experiment ever! [He proudly holds his arm up, not realizing his beaker is about to fall over, which it does, making the same mess. Dexter holds his lab coat by wear the spill is.] Oh, for the sake of Pete...

(Dexter returns to his room to change again.)

:'''Dexter''': [Again, he walks back to his work area.] Okay now, here we a-go! [He slowly rises up to his work area. He carefully grabs his beaker.] Carefully, ''carefully.'' [He holds up a test tube and begins to pour another substance into the beaker.] Yes, that is it. Perfect, ''perfect!'' [A drop splashes Dexter's lab coat.] Oh HECK this is turning out to be!

(Dexter, once again, returns to his room to throw away another lab coat. He goes over to his closet to get another one. To his surprise, there are none left.)

:'''Dexter''': Hmm...'''MOM...!!!!'''

(A breeze blows through Dexter's bedroom window, causing him to shiver)

:'''Dexter''': What is taking her so long?

:'''Dexter''': (Dexter pokes his head out his door) Hey, mom! Shake a leg or something! [his mom arrives and opens the door but he doesn't notice] Mom! Mom! [he finally notices her and covers himself in embarrassment] HEY! [runs back in his room]

:'''Mom''': (Chuckles) Oh, come on out, Shy Boy. Here's your little play clothes all fresh and clean. But I just can't understand how you manage to stain your little outfit so quickly.

:'''Dexter''': Yeah, yeah, mom. It's a real enigma. [grabs his lab coat] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have much work to be doing. [takes his lab coat and gloves with him and closes the door]

:'''Dad''': The boy's right, dear. [puts his hands on his wife's hips] There is much work to be doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
(Dexter streaks through the meadow)

:'''Dexter''': Oh boy, that was a close one. I just have to get to Ruthy's Field, and I will be home free! Home...

(Dexter streaks past a hippie couple sitting on a rock who smile as they watch him pass by, thinking he's celebrating the freedom of his nakedness)

:'''Dexter''': '''FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!'''

:'''Male Hippie''': Right on, brother!

=== Mind Over Chatter ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Yuck! Mom's oatmeal! Tastes like barf!
:'''Mom''' ''[gasps]'' Dexter! Don't be rude!
:'''Dexter''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind while watching Dee Dee scarfing down her oatmeal]'' That sister of mine! What a ferocious pig!
:'''Dee Dee''': Hey! I'm no pig!
:'''Mom''' : That is enough Dexter! Time for school.
:'''Dexter''': But wait Dad, what-
:'''Dad''': The answer is no! Now get!
:'''Dexter''': ''[in his mind]'' Dad, what a stubborn poopoo doody head!
:'''Dad''': I heard that!
:'''Mom''': And we are going to have a serious talk about your potty mouth when you get home from school today!

=== Momdark ===
:'''Mom''': Huh, what did he mean when he said, &quot;your lab&quot;, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I don't know.

=== A Mom Cartoon ===
:'''Mom''': Oh Dad will just love this!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers, we have a red light sale on aisle 8 on... latex gloves!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Would you look at that, the very last pair! Must be my lucky day!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Shop Announcer''': Attention shoppers,...

=== A Third Dad Cartoon ===
:'''Dad''': Aw well, I guess we'll have to try again next week.

==Season 4==
=== Beau Tie ===
:'''Beau''': I've always loved science.

=== Dexter's Library ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, the sweet and silent solitude of the school library.
:'''Boy''': Oh yeah, we're so prepared for this. This is going to be a great game, we're going to kicky Booty.
:'''Girl''': Our new cheers are so awesome. Wait until you see them, you're not gonna believe it!
:'''Dexter''': Ahem! ''[puts the piece of paper that says &quot;No talking in the Library!!!&quot; in the book on the table]'' ''[takes the book from the boy]'' No book for you, ''[takes the other book from the girl]'' and no book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[stops the boy trying to eat an apple]'' No, uh-uh. You know the rules. No food or drink in the library. ''[takes the book from him]'' No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[takes the book that is stepped on by a girl trying to reach the other book, she falls down]'' Mis-using school property, you know better than that. No book for you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Ah, here we are. 701.328. ''[gasps]'' Hello! What is this?! &quot;Green Bacon and Eggs&quot;! What is a children's book doing in coelacanth paleobiology? ''[gets enraged]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Miss Salinger, Miss Salinger.
:'''Salinger''': Yes, what is it, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': I have found an inappropriately placed piece of fiction.
:'''Salinger''': Really? Well, be a dear and place it in its proper home.
:'''Dexter''': ''[drops the book]'' Ahh. Library patrons speaking at unacceptable volumes, eating snacks, abusing school property, and now ''this''. Ahh, it is all very disappointing. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' You know, I like Miss Salinger and all, but if this were my library, such behavior within these hallowed shelves would not be tolerated.
:'''Salinger''': Oh, my, look at the time. Dexter, I have to be at a staff meeting. I need you to keep an eye on things for one hour.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Finally, a school library dedicated to the pure appreciation of the English language. Dexter, you have done it again. Next! ''[a girl arrives with a book in her hand]'' Sarah Goldfarm. Another early return, I see. ''[Sarah gives the book to him]'' Ha ha ha! &quot;Stranger Rick&quot;: August 2001. A solid subject matter, ''[drops the book]'' but a little sophomoric for second grade. Would you not agree? ''[Robot burns the book]'' Robot, please retrieve some less frivolous reading for Miss Goldfarm? Perhaps something from coealacanth paleobiology, a personal favorite subject of mine.
:'''Robot''': ''[goes in search of a book in a library cabinet and returns to Dexter]'' Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': &quot;Cannot confirm target&quot;? You illiterate Android! ''[slaps the robot]'' Must I spell everything out for you recycled soup cans? ''[writes the piece of paper and puts it on the Robot's head]'' Well! ''[The Robot goes in search of a book again]'' ''[whistles]'' Heh heh heh!
:'''Robot''': ''[returns to Dexter]'' System error. Cannot confirm target.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gets angry]'' Arrrr! ''[punches the Robot's head]'' WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[grumbles as he climbs the stairs in the librarian cabinet]'' ...stupid-looking robots. There. &quot;Coealacanth Paleonbiology&quot;. Now, how difficult was that? ''[opens his eyes and is surprised]'' &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;?!!! BUT I DO NOT LIKE &quot;GREEN BACON AND EGGS&quot;!!! There is not a walnut brained ape among you who is worthy to share my world-class collection of written history!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Salinger''': Dexter, I am very disappointed in you. I leave you in charge of the library for one hour, and look what you do. Just look at this mess.
:'''Dexter''': But-- but-- I... they...
:'''Salinger''': I'm giving you the maximum library penalty.
:'''Dexter''': ''[gasps]'' No! Not that! Please, Miss Salinger. No!
:'''Salinger''': That's right. You can only check out 4 books a week, instead of 5.
:'''Dexter''': ''[sobs]'' It's not very nice of you. NOOOOOOOOO!
:'''Crowd''': Shhh!

=== 2Geniuses 2Gether 4Ever ===
:'''Dexter''': Ah, all done.
:'''Mandark''': It's about time. Well, let's see what we've got. ''[takes off the blindfold]'' Ah! At last, my darkest creation is completed!
:'''Dexter''': ''[gives the remote control to Mandark]'' After you.
:'''Mandark''': May I? ''[grabs the remote control]'' With a push of this button, I, Mandark, will unleash a mind-bending transmission which will put the entire universe under my control. And that means you, too, Dorkster. I have double-crossed you once again. And now it will all be mine! ''[laughs]'' Ha!
:''[Mandark tries pressing the button over and over, and Dexter plugs the power cord into an electrical outlet, and the invention explodes by displaying the title of the television series as a reference to the intro]''
:'''Dexter''': Ha! Well, well, well, Mandark, who double-crossed whom?
:'''Mandark''': This was supposed to be mine, Dexter! All mine, not yours! Mine!
:'''Dexter''': Well, like I always say: if you can't play with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Ha ha! ''[The &quot;The End&quot; logo in white appears on the screen]'' Hey! What is going on? I am trying to wax poetic here.

=== Folly Calls ===
:'''Dexter''': ''[sees Dee Dee's hair cut off and laughs insanely]'' OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! ''[laughing and snorting]''
:'''Dee Dee''': So?
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee. We have been through this scenario so many times before, and you know that I am helpless to assist you for one simple and very basic reason: you are STUPID!
:'''Dee Dee''': Oh, please, Dexter. Please! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please! Oh, please, Dexter! Use your vast and unlimited knowledge of science to help me get my hair back! ''Pretty please.''
:'''Dexter''': Well, no.
:'''Dee Dee''': Alright, Dexter, but remember... ''[grows bigger]'' ''I am your big sister!'' ''[grows some more]'' ''AND I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG...'' ''[grows again]'' '''''...IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Now, Dee Dee, pay attention. You are only to apply one drop of this stuff. Do you understand? One drop, not 2 drops, not 3 drops, not 75 drops. JUST ONE DROP! GOT IT?!
:'''Dee Dee''': Yeah. Of course I got it, Dexter. Just one drop. ''[sings and leaves the lab]'' One drop, one drop, one drop, one drop...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dee Dee screams while running entering the lab]''
:'''Dexter''': Let me guess. You used more than one drop.
:'''Dee Dee''': It was too one drop, Dexter! Just a really, really ''big'' one drop!
:'''Dexter''': Hmm...

=== Comic Stripper ===
:'''Dexter''': You did it all wrong, Mandark. I figured out you were copying &quot;Mister Misery&quot; all along, so I played your own game against you. ''[Mandark pretends to be yawning]'' And then you have the nerve ''[throws the &quot;Mister Misery&quot; comic]'' not to even follow the dumb story! Oh, and one other thing... WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS STUPID QUACKING?!
:'''Mandark''': Well, you see, Dexter. I went to buy &quot;Mister Misery&quot; but the store was all sold out. So I picked up a copy of &quot;Dangerous Duck&quot; instead.
:'''Dexter''': And do you know why &quot;Mister Misery&quot; was all sold out? Because ''I'' bought them all.
:'''Mandark''': Hmm. Well, then. If you bought them all, ''how did you expect me to know all &quot;Mister Misery&quot;'s new fight moves then?!'' ''[Dexter is upset and a donkey appears]'' QUACK. ''[teases Dexter and walks away]''

=== Chicken Scratch ===
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in shock) What are the strange protrusions? I must investigate immediately. ''[ Dee Dee arrives while singing]'' Uh-oh.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': OK, Dee Dee, way too much has happened this morning so, please, GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!!! ''[closes the door]'' I have no time for her foolishness today.
:'''Dee Dee''': ''[opens the door]'' But, Dexter, I'm not in your labor... [She stops and looks at Dexter] YOU'VE GOT CHICKENPOX!
:'''Dexter''': Chickenpox? What is this pox of the chicken?
:'''Dee Dee''': Poor Dexter, so knowledgeable in science but doesn't have enough common sense to know what chickenpox is. Well, a long time ago, a group of evil, contaminated chickens escaped from jail, and started to break into children's houses where they picked away, giving huge, itchy pimples. And if you stratch them, you turn into an evil, contaminated chicken!
:'''Dexter''': Are you crazy, woman? I've teach you les--! ''[scratches]''
:'''Dee Dee''': Bagock.
:'''Dexter''': (Screams in fear) I do not want to be an evil, contaminated chicken.
:'''Dee Dee ''': Then, DON'T SCRATCH! ''[leaves Dexter's room]''
:'''Dexter''': That seems simple enough. ''[scratches and stops]'' I'd better keep myself busy so as not to think about the itching.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': Perfect. ''[thinking while scratching]'' Now, how much dioxide detrolium should I add? Hmm... what is the correct amount? ''[stops thinking and scratching and laughs]'' Silly me! ''[scratches again]'' Avoiding scratching this whole time? ''[freaks out]'' ROBOT! More drastic measures must be taken.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter?
:'''Dexter''': Robot, if you see me scratching a part of my body, I want you to zap me with 100 watts of electrons.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter]''
:'''Dexter''': I wasn't ready, Robot.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter. ''[zaps Dexter again]''
:'''Dexter''': I said I wasn't ready.
:'''Robot''': Yes, Dexter.
:'''Dexter''': No, Robot, wait! ''[Robot zaps him again]'' This is not working. ''[Robot zaps him again]'' STOP, ROBOT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': A new invention must be created.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[after creating his invention]'' Success!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dexter''': ''[destroys the straps after failing to hold back the itching]'' GOTTA SCRATCH!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dee Dee''': Hello! [She stops and looks at Dexter] [Dee Dee screamed and ducks under her bed] [She peeks out] Dexter, is that you?
:'''Dexter''': ''[turns to Dexter who is now turned into a chicken]'' Yep, I scratched.

== Lost Episode ==
=== Rude Removal ===
:'''Dee Dee''': Oooh! Dexter's got gas!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rude Dexter''': Where the f'ck are we?
:'''Rude Dee Dee''': Beats the cr'p out of me!
:'''Dexter''': (With a British accent) Why, you're in Dexter's Laboratory, silly. I'm Dexter, and this golden-haired angel behind me is my charming sister, Dee Dee.
:'''Dee Dee''': (With a British accent) Charmed!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Ah, f'ck off!
:'''Dexter and Dee Dee''': ''[gasp]'' Oh dear!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': I hope you're hungry, 'cause I made a ''[trips over Rude Dexter]'' very... SPECIAL LUNCH THAT I GOT FROM A RECIPE THAT I... FOUND IN A BESSIE CRACKER MAGAZINE! ''[pants]'' I hope you like it.
:'''Mom''': ''[dizzy]'' Well, what do you think, Dexter?
:'''Rude Dexter''': ''[mouth full]'' I think it tastes like sh't! ''[spits at Mom]''
:'''Mom''': ''[faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': ''[angry]'' Dexter! No, absolutely not! You cannot have any dessert!
:'''Rude Dexter''': Why? You want it all to yourself?
:'''Mom''': ''[gasps, then faints]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Mom''': Now to clean those filthy mouths.
:'''Dexter''': ''[to the audience]'' Oh, sh't!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0115157|title=Dexter's Laboratory}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about families]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>GoldenEye</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>108366</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150219</id>
      <parentid>3150208</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:15:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>unjustified reversion; editor stalking copyvio edits</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="13042" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Goldeneye-logo.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:GoldenEye|GoldenEye]]''''' (1995) is the 17th film in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond]] franchise. The movie follows Bond's mission to stop the titular Soviet EMP weapon, which has fallen into the hands of his old MI6 colleague Alec Trevelyan AKA Agent 006.
:''Directed by [[w:Martin Campbell|Martin Campbell]]. Written by [[w:Michael France|Michael France]] (story); [[w:Jeffrey Caine|Jeffrey Caine]] &amp; [[w:Bruce Feirstein|Bruce Feirstein]] (screenplay).''
{{center|'''You Know The Name. You Know The Number''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Shadowy Figure''': ''[points gun at Bond; in Russian]'' Don't even breathe. Where are the others? [Ни одного выздоха! Где ваши?]
:'''James Bond''': I'm alone.
:''[Shadowy figure reveals himself to be Alec Trevelyan]''
:'''Alec Trevelyan''': Aren't we all? You're late, 007.
:'''James Bond''': I had to stop in the bathroom. ''[Referring to knocking out a soldier who was sitting on a toilet]''
:'''Alec Trevelyan''': Ready to save the world again?
:'''James Bond''': After you, 006.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': Good evening, Moneypenny.
:'''Moneypenny''': Good evening, James. M will meet you in the situation room, I'm to take you straight in.
:'''Bond''': I've never seen you after hours, Moneypenny. Lovely.
:'''Moneypenny''': Thank you, James.
:'''Bond''': Out on some kind of professional assignment, dressing to kill?
:'''Moneypenny''': I know you'll find this crushing, 007, but I don't sit at home every night praying for some international incident, so I can run down here all dressed up to impress James Bond. I was on a date, if you must know, with a gentleman. We went to the theatre together.
:'''Bond''': Moneypenny, I'm devastated. Whatever would I do without you?
:'''Moneypenny''': As far as I can remember, James, you've never had me.
:'''Bond''': Hope springs eternal.
:'''Moneypenny''': You know, this sort of behaviour could qualify as sexual harassment.
:'''Bond''': Really? What's the penalty for that?
:'''Moneypenny''': Someday you have to make good on your innuendos.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''M''': ''[about the GoldenEye destruction of Severnaya]'' The Prime Minister's talked to Moscow; they said it was an accident during a routine training exercise.
:'''Bond''': Governments change. The lies stay the same.
:'''M''': What else do we know about Janus? 
:'''Bond''': Top-flight arms dealers, headquartered in St Petersburg. Restocked the lraqis during the Gulf War. The head man's unreliably described. No photographs. The woman, Onatopp, is our only confirmed contact.
:'''M''': Would you care for a drink?
:'''Bond''': Thank you. Your predecessor kept some cognac from the top...
:'''M''':  I prefer bourbon. Ice?
:'''Bond''': Yes. ''[M prepares a shot of bourbon and gives it to Bond]''
:'''M''': We've pulled the files on anyone who might have had access or authority at Severnaya. The top name on the list is an old friend of yours, I understand. ''[opens video screen showing a dossier of Ourumov]''
:'''Bond''': Ourumov. They made him a general.
:'''M''': ''[about Ourumov]'' He sees himself as the next iron man of Russia, which is why our political analysts ruled him out. He doesn't fit the profile of a traitor.
:'''Bond''': Are these the same analysts who said that GoldenEye couldn't exist, who said the helicopter posed no immediate threat and wasn't worth following?
:'''M''': ''[notices his skepticism]'' You don't like me, Bond. You don't like my methods. You think I'm an accountant, a bean counter more interested in my numbers than your instincts.
:'''Bond''': The thought had occurred to me.
:'''M''': Good. Because I think you're a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms, though wasted on me, obviously appealed to that young woman I sent out to evaluate you.
:'''Bond''': Point taken.
:'''M''': Not quite, 007. If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. I've no compunction about sending you to your death. But I won't do it on a whim. Even with your cavalier attitude towards life. I want you to find GoldenEye, find who took it, what they plan to do with it, and stop it. And if you should come across Ourumov, guilty or not, I don't want you running off on some kind of vendetta. Avenging Alec Trevelyan will not bring him back.
:'''Bond''': You didn't get him killed.
:'''M''': Neither did you. Don't make it personal.
:'''Bond''': Never. ''[turns to leave]''
:'''M''': Bond. ''[Bond stops and turns to her]'' Come back alive.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Q shows off a new gadget to Bond]''
:'''Q''': A pen. This is a Class 4 grenade. Three clicks arms the four-second fuse... ''[clicks it three times]'' another three ''[clicks it three times again]'' disarms it.
:'''Bond''': ''[takes pen and quickly clicks it thrice]'' How long did you say the fuse was?
:'''Q''': ''[takes the pen and disarms it with a groan]'' Oh, grow up, 007.
:'''Bond''': They always said the pen was mightier than the sword.
:'''Q''': Thanks to me, they were right. ''[walks over to a dummy]'' Look, let's ask Fred here to demonstrate for us. Here we are. Sorry about this, Fred. One, two, three… ''[places the pen in Fred's shirt pocket, arms it, and runs to cover. The resulting explosion obliterates Fred from the waist up. to Bond]'' Don't say it!
:'''Bond''': …the writing's on the wall?
:'''Q''': ''[snickering]'' Along with the rest of him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zukovsky''': Another morning shot to hell. ''[zips up a girl's dress]'' Free market economy, I swear it will be the end of me. ''[hears the click of Bond's gun at his head]'' Walther PPK, 7.65 millimetre. Only three men I know use such a gun... and I believe I've killed two of them.
:'''Bond''': Lucky me. ''[Another man aims at Bond's head]''
:'''Zukovsky''': I think not.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Bond has just discovered that &quot;Janus&quot; is none other than Trevelyan]''
:'''Bond''': Alec?
:'''Trevelyan''': Back from the dead. No longer just an anonymous star on the Memorial Wall at MI6. What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?
:'''Bond''': ''[stunned]'' Why?
:'''Trevelyan''': Hilarious question. Particularly from you. Did you ever ask why? Why we toppled all those dictators, undermined all those regimes only to come home - &quot;Well done, good job, but sorry, old boy, everything you risked your life and limb for has changed.&quot;
:'''Bond''': It was the job we were chosen for.
:'''Trevelyan''': ''[scoffs]'' Of course you would say that. James Bond, Her Majesty's loyal terrier, defender of the so-called faith. ''[Bond draws his gun]'' Oh, please, James, put it away. It's insulting to think I haven't anticipated your every move.
:'''Bond''': ''[slowly lowers weapon]'' Yes. I trusted you, Alec.
:'''Trevelyan''': Trust. What a quaint idea.
:'''Bond''': How did the MI6 screening miss that your parents were [[w:Lienz Cossacks|Lienz Cossacks]]?
:'''Trevelyan''': Once again, your faith is misplaced. ''They knew''. We're both orphans, James. But where your parents had the luxury of dying in a climbing accident, mine survived the British betrayal and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]'s [[w:NKVD|execution squads]]. But my father couldn't let himself or my mother live with the shame of it. MI6 figured I was too young to remember. And in one of life's little ironies, the son went to work for the government whose betrayal caused the father to kill himself and his wife.
:'''Bond''': Hence &quot;Janus&quot;, the two-faced Roman god come to life.
:'''Trevelyan''': ''[gestures to his scars]'' It wasn't God who gave me this face. It was you, setting the timers for three minutes instead of six.
:'''Bond''': Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?
:'''Trevelyan''': No. You're supposed to die for me. By the way, I did think of asking you to join my little scheme, but somehow I knew that 007's loyalty was always to the mission, never to his friend. Closing time, James. Last call. ''[Bond is shot with a tranquilizer dart as Alec walks toward a fallen Bond]'' ...For England, James.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at a cell in St Petersburg, Bond and Natalya are visited by a Russian official]''
:'''Official''': Good morning, Mr. Bond. I'm Defence Minister Dimitri Mishkin. So, by what means shall we execute you, Commander Bond?
:'''Bond''': What, no small talk? No chit-chat? ''[to Natalya]'' That's the trouble with the world today. No one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation anymore. ''[to Mishkin]'' It's a lost art!
:'''Mishkin''': Your sense of humour does not sway me, Commander, I'm sorry. Where is the GoldenEye?
:'''Bond''': I assumed you had it.
:'''Mishkin''': I have an English spy, a Severnaya programmer and a helicopter stolen...
:'''Bond''': Or at least that's what some traitor in your government wanted it to look like.
:'''Mishkin''': Who was behind your attack on Severnaya?
:'''Bond''': Who had the authorisation codes?
:'''Mishkin''': Russia may have changed, but the penalty for terrorism is still ''death''!
:'''Bond''': And what's the penalty for treason?
:'''Natalya''': Oh, stop it, both of you! Stop it! You're like... boys with toys!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Trevelyan and Xenia's private armored train has crashed. Bond assaults the train and seeks to kill Trevelyan, but is hesitant when Ourumov brings Natalya into the cabin.]''
:'''Trevelyan''': So, back where we started, James. Your friend, or the mission? Drop the gun, I'll let her live.
:'''Bond''': ''[to Ourumov without looking away at Trevelyan]'' Ourumov, what does this Cossack promise you? ''[Ourumov's face changes]'' You knew, didn't you? He's a Lienz Cossack! 
:'''Trevelyan''': It's in the past.
:'''Bond''': He'll betray you! ''[murmurs]'' Just like everyone else.
:'''Ourumov''': Is this true?
:'''Trevelyan''': ''[impatiently]'' What's true is that in 48 hours, you and I will have more money than God. And Mr. Bond here will have a small memorial service, with only Moneypenny and a few tearful restaurateurs in attendance.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Natalya''': He was a friend, Trevelyan?
:'''Bond''': Yes.
:'''Natalya''': Now he's your enemy and you will kill him. It is that simple?
:'''Bond''': In a word, yes.
:'''Natalya''': Unless he kills you first?
:'''Bond''': Natalya...
:'''Natalya''': You think I'm impressed? All of you with your guns, your killing, your death, for what? So you can be a hero? All the heroes I know are dead. How can you act like this? How can you be so cold?
:'''Bond''': It's what keeps me alive.
:'''Natalya''': No. It's what keeps you alone.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Bond observes Trevelyan activating the second GoldenEye satellite]''
:'''Bond''': Interesting setup, Alec. You break into the Bank of England via computer and then transfer the money electronically just seconds before you set off the GoldenEye, which erases any record of the transactions. Ingenious.
:'''Trevelyan''': Thank you, James.
:'''Bond''': But it still boils down to petty theft. In the end, you're just a bank robber. Nothing more than a common thief. ''[Trevelyan glowers at him]''
:'''Trevelyan''': You always did have a small mind, James. It's not just erasing bank records, it's everything on every computer in [[w:Greater London|Greater London]]. Tax records, stock market, credit ratings, land registries, criminal records. In 16 minutes and 43, oh, 42 seconds, the United Kingdom will re-enter the [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]!
:'''Bond''': A worldwide financial meltdown. And all so mad little Alec can settle a score with the world, fifty years on.
:'''Trevelyan''': Oh please, James, spare me the [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]]! I might as well ask if all the vodka martinis ever silence the screams of the men you've killed. Or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women for all the dead ones you failed to protect. England is about to learn the cost of betrayal, inflation adjusted for 1945.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Bond is holding Trevelyan by his foot on top of the satellite antenna.]''
:'''Trevelyan''': For England, James?
:'''Bond''': No. For me. ''[lets Trevelyan fall to his death]''

== Taglines ==
* You Know The Name. You Know The Number.
* No limits. No fears. No substitutes.

==Cast==
*[[Pierce Brosnan]] - James Bond/Agent 007
*[[w:Izabella Scorupco|Izabella Scorupco]] - Natalya Simonova
*[[w:Sean Bean|Sean Bean]] - Alec Trevelyan/Agent 006
*[[w:Famke Jannsen|Famke Jannsen]] - Xenia Onatopp
*[[w:Tcheky Karyo|Tcheky Karyo]] - Russian Defense Minister Dmitry Mishkine
*[[Judi Dench]] - M
*[[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] - Jack Wade
*[[w:Desmond Llewellyn|Desmond Llewellyn]] - Q

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113189/?ref_=nv_sr_1 ''GoldenEye'' at imdb.com]
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1995 films]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Michael France]]</text>
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    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Flushed Away</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>109849</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150605</id>
      <parentid>3146796</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T11:10:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A01:CB11:20:1900:5C59:CBDF:43E1:3CC</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Cast */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9717" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Flushed Away|Flushed Away]]''''' is a [[w:2006 in film|2006]] computer-animated film about an uptown pet mouse who that gets flushed down the toilet from his London apartment, ending in the drains of London, where he has to learn a whole new and different way of life.
:''Directed by [[w:David Bowers|David Bowers]] and [[w:Sam Fell|Sam Fell]]. Written by [[w:Dick Clement|Dick Clement]], [[w:Ian La Frenais|Ian La Frenais]], [[w:Christopher Lloyd (TV producer)|Chris Lloyd]], [[w:Joe Keenan (writer)|Joe Keenan]] and [[w:William Davies (screenwriter)|William Davies]]. Story by Sam Fell, [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]], Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais''
{{center|'''Someone's Going Down.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

==Dialogue==
:'''Toad''': Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise!
:'''Le Frog''': ''[Rolling his eyes]'' Oh please not the scrapbook again.
:'''Toad''': ''[pulls a book off a shelf]'' My memoirs. Volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth.
:'''Le Frog''': Oh, mon-dieu.
:'''Toad''': Of all the pets in [[w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]], young [[Prince Charles]] fancied me the best. We would frolic day after sunny day in royal abandon sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad.
:'''Le Frog''': You're going to make me throw up.
:'''Toad''': We were inseparable until... it arrived. That rat! While the poor boy's head was turned, I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair. ''[begins to cry]''
:'''Le Frog''': I know, I know. You were flushed away down the loo right? ''[drinks some wine, then spits it out. Exclaims in disgust after reading the label ''British Bliss Wine'']'' Boo hoo-hoo, it is so dark, so cold, so terrible. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Toad''': You find my pain funny?
:'''Le Frog''': I find everyone's pain funny but my own. I'm French. ''[chuckles nervously]''
:'''Toad''': ''[stands up and knocks over a table]'' Just get the cable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[first lines]''
:'''Mother''': ''[car honking]'' Car's here!
:'''Father''': It's 9:00 Already! We're going to miss our flight!
:'''Mother''': Traveller's checks passed. 
:'''Father''': You have the tickets, darling?
:'''Mother''': Tabitha, did you feed Roddy?
:'''Tabitha''': Oops. 
:'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]''  I know we've forgotten something. I just know we've forgotten something! 
:'''Tabitha''': Roddy, where are you? ''[spilling in food]'' We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's a more.
:'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]'' Tabitha!
:'''Tabitha''': Here's a little more.
:'''Mother''': ''[off-screen]'' I hope you're not overfeeding him.
:'''Tabitha''': Of course not, Mum.
:'''Father''': ''[off-screen]'' Come on, Tabitha!
:'''Tabitha''': Bye, Roddy!
:'''Father''': ''[off-screen]'' We don't want to miss our holiday.
:'''Tabitha''': I'm coming, I'm coming! ''[runs out of the house and closes the door]''
:'''Roddy''': ''[sniffs]'' When the cat's away, the mice will play! The holiday starts now, everyone! Music, maestro. ''[presses a button on a radio and &quot;Dancing with Myself&quot; plays]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tadpole''': Is this the glorious amphibian dawn, dad?
:'''Toad''': Anything for you, my little man.
:'''Tadpole''': Can I have a pony?
:'''Toad''': No.
:'''Tadpole''': A puppy?
:'''Toad''': We'll talk about it. 
:'''Tadpole''': Can we talk about it now?
:'''Toad''': No! 
:''[his tadpoles in the tank start clamoring for a puppy]'' 
:'''The Toad''': No! You can't all have puppies, please! Daddy's working!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Liam''': He's gonna steal your boat.
:'''Rita''': He won't steal my boat.
:'''Liam''': He's stealing your boat.
:'''Rita''': He isn't stealing...
:'''Liam''': He stole your boat.
:'''Rita''': What?
:'''Liam''': He's like [[Robin Hood]] in reverse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roddy''': Whatever's going on, I assure you, I'm not involved. I'm just an innocent bystander.
:'''Spike''': Rita, Rita, Rita. ''[laughs]'' Thought you could give us the slip? ''[Slips and falls]'' What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?
:'''Whitey''': I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Tell me about yourself, Roddy.
:'''Roddy''': Well, there's not much to tell.
:'''Rita''': You know everything about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do.
:'''Roddy''': I'm... I'm in a boy band.
:'''Rita''': What?
:'''Roddy''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roddy''': Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this?
:'''Rita''': Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here.
:'''Roddy''': Thank you.
:'''Rita''': Just look how nicely he's dressed.
:'''Roddy''': Ah, thank you.
:'''Rita''': And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!
:'''Roddy''': Precisely... What? No! No, no! No! No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! No! ''[sobbing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sid''': Be seeing you my friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Le Frog''': We leave immediately!
:'''Henchfrog''': What about dinner?
:'''Le Frog''': We leave... in five hours.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Spike''': Blimy, it's cold.
:'''Whitey''': That's why I wore me mittens.
:'''Spike''': Wha... Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me!
:'''Whitey''': It's all right for you. You've got little hands. They don't freeze as much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': What are you, some kind of rat boomerang?! Give me back my ruby!
:'''Roddy''': I haven't got your ruby! ''[the ruby falls on Roddy's hand, Rita gasps]'' Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
:'''Rita''': Please be careful! That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!
:'''Roddy''': Hold on... ''[looks at the ruby]'' It's a fake.
:'''Rita''': Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No, it's blooming not. It's real!
:'''Roddy''': No, no, no, look. It's..it’s..it's just glass. It's fake.
:'''Rita''': It's real! No, it's not!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake. ''[short pause 2]''
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Fake.
:'''Rita''': Real!
:'''Roddy''': Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this. ''[breaks the ruby; Rita gasps in shock, as they watch the ruby pieces sink in the water]'' There, you see? I mean, you can't break a real ruby. ''[Rita growls furiously as she looks at him]'' Ah, right. I probably shouldn't have done that, but look on the bright side, I saved your neck. I mean, once the Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day! ''[Rita punches him, and he tumbles into the bottom of the boat]'' Good grief!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Toad''': Where are those idiots? ''[to his tadpoles]'' It's so hard to get hope these days, my boys. Yes, that's right. ''[The Toad speaks in a baby voice]'' Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your old dad up. Poor Daddy, surrounded by flithy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, my little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. ''[The Toad kisses the jar, and his tadpoles hug their daddy from inside. Spike and Whitey arrive. The Toad hides his jar, but still has his baby voice.]'' Did you find it?
:'''Spike''': Eh?
:'''Toad''': ''[snaps out of it]'' Ah, no! Did you find it?
:'''Spike''': Well, we got most of it, boss. ''[he and Whitey show the toad pieces of the ruby. The Toad slaps it out of their hands]''
:'''Toad''': Forget the ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that grubby creature Rita took.
:'''Spike and Whitey''': Oh, no!
:'''Toad''': Without it, my plan is ruined!
:'''Spike''': Okay, chief. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.
:'''Whitey''': Focused. Cable-centric, boss.
:'''Toad''': You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.
:'''Spike''': Oh, great! Are we watching the game together, boss?
:''[the toad grows angry; cut to outside his office; Spike and Whitey get thrown through a glass window]''
:'''Toad''': Just get the cable!
:''[Spike screams]''
:'''Whitey''': Keep your legs straight!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whitey''': Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are dangerous.
:'''Spike''': Danger is my middle name!
:'''Whitey''': I thought it was Lesley.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whitey''': Oh, I love a happy ending.
:'''Spike''': Oh, you've gone soft. I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence.
:''[A champagne bottle hits away Spike and press him against the wall]''
:'''Whitey''': Are you happy now, Spike?

==Cast==
* [[Hugh Jackman]] as Roddy St. James
* [[Kate Winslet]] as Rita Malone
* [[w:Shane Richie|Shane Richie]] as Sid
* [[w:Ian McKellen|Ian McKellen]] as Toad
* [[w:Andy Serkis|Andy Serkis]] as Spike
* [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] as Whitey
* [[w:Jean Reno|Jean Reno]] as Le Frog
* [[w:Miriam Margolyes|Miriam Margolyes]] as Rita's Grandmother
* [[David Suchet]] as Rita's Dad
* [[Kathy Burke]] as Rita's Mom

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|0424095}}
*{{Amg movie|319319}}
*{{Rotten-tomatoes|id=flushed_away}}

[[Category:2006 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]                
[[Category:British animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Films about rats]]
[[Category:Films set in London]]</text>
      <sha1>5m1fv24vx4wmkxkr20iloxu4bg0dm3x</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Thick of It</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>110361</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150570</id>
      <parentid>3148004</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T03:42:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Series 1, Episode 1 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="561265" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.) Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting, you know, the state of it. That's shit, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag, by law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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      <id>3150572</id>
      <parentid>3150570</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T03:46:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting, you know, the state of it. That's shit, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag, by law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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    <revision>
      <id>3150576</id>
      <parentid>3150572</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T04:38:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
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      <comment>/* Series 1, Episode 1 */</comment>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and we say, &quot;Ah, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Which is you live in a country which is properly...There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' That's good, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground.
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't...Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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    <revision>
      <id>3150577</id>
      <parentid>3150576</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T04:43:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
        <id>3009526</id>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate, tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But w-w-we killed it. It-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... he stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't should me, Hugh. Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this SHOULD be happening, should it? SHOULD it? Should it? 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on a second. Malcolm, it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them!  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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    <revision>
      <id>3150578</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Mr. Brain</username>
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I'm sorry. 
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
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[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up. Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea! 
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Political satirical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK sitcoms]]
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'''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished  its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film.

==Series 1, Episode 1==

:''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)''
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. 
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.  
:'''Cliff:''' Minister.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry.
:'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. 
:'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. 
:'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! 
:''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)''
:'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. 
:''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)''
:'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. 
:'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. 
:'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. 
:'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' 
:'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...
:'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. 
:'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. 
:'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, &quot;Fuck the spending implications, I like it.&quot; 
:'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. 
:'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard &amp; Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. 
:'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. 
:'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...
:'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll &quot;double-bubble&quot; it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. 
:'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. 
:'''Hugh:''' She's easy.
:'''Glenn:''' She is easy. 
:''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry? 
:'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...
:'''Ollie:''' Why not? 
:'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. 
:'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 
:'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? 
:'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. 
:'''Terri:''' Whatever. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you. 
:'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Not very well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why not? 
:'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. 
:'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. 
:'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. 
:'''Glenn:''' The driver? 
:'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's &quot;Snooper Force&quot; policy being given the green light.)''
:'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. 
:'''Glenn:''' First story up. 
:'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... 
:'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! 
:'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. 
:''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? 
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! 
:'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you?  
:'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?''  
:'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'  
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, &quot;a disgruntled civil servant,&quot; unquote. OK? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. 
:'''Glenn:''' And Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Hmmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? 
:'''Terri:''' What tone? 
:'''Glenn:''' The &quot;I knew better all along&quot; tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn &amp; Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)''
:'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? 
:'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! 
:'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
:'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. 
:'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. 
:''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. 
:'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment.  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.  
:'''Ollie:''' National spare room database.  
:''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it?
:'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. 
:'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. 
:'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness...
:'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, &quot;The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. 
:'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. 
:'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. 
:'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that.
:'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, &quot;Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!&quot; ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
:'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! 
:'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. 
:'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says &quot;springy concrete.&quot; I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
:'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say &quot;Hello, boys and girls?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. 
:'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame.
:'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, &quot;Hello, boys and girls.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? 
:'''Glenn:''' Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. 
:'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. 
:'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. 
:'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. 
:'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. 
:'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. 
:'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. 
:''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' 
:'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. 
:'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. 
:'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. 
:'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. 
:'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! 
:'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. 
:''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)''
:'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. 
:''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you?
:''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. 
:'''Hugh:''' He liked it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of &quot;You should do as you're fucking told.&quot;  
:'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position.  
:'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? 
:'''Hugh:''' Right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? 
:'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. 
:'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. 
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah... 
:'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. 
:'''Ollie:''' I know, 
:'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. 
:'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, &quot;Angela Heaney swallows anything.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. 
:'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? 
:'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' 
:'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
:''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? 
:'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea.
:''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' 
:'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. 
:'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? 
:'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. 
:'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss.

==Series 1, Episode 2==
:''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. 
:'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? 
:'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. 
:'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. 
:'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. 
:'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, &quot;No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.&quot; Is that normal?
:'''Glenn''': It's sad.
:'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? 
:'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth?
:'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this?
:'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.  
:'''Terri:''' Mm.  
:'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aiming high.  
:'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.  
:'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.  
:'''Ollie:''' Cliff being –  
:'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.  
:'''Hugh:''' Are they now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' 
:'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? &quot;The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit.&quot; I'll say, &quot;Go on! Check out our oranges!&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? 
:'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's shit.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far.  
:'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.  
:'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that.  
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good.  
:'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
:'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
:'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
:'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''&quot;I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke.&quot;'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
:'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. 
:'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. 
:'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. 
:'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say.
:'''Hugh:''' Out of what?
:'''Glenn:''' Er... 50.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten.
:'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
:'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't...
:''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? 
:'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
:''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]].
:''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! 
:''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who? 
:'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, &quot;group.&quot; 
:''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... 
:'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? 
:'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. 
:''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?  
:'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.  
:'''Glenn:''' Are you sure?  
:'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''!  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –  
:''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know.  
:'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what?  
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!  
:''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you?  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it?  
:'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –  
:'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? 
:''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! 
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' It's not real! 
:'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. 
:'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? 
:'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. 
:'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to...
:''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! 
:''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it.  
:'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it?  
:'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out?  
:'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! 
:''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! 
:'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Shut up! 
:'''Terri:''' Can you call her? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! 
:''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase?
:'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! 
:'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! 
:''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. 
:'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? 
:'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –  
:'''Mary:''' In a good way?  
:'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that?  
:'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door –  
:'''Mary:''' What is this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.  
:'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]!
:'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right?  
:'''Mary:''' What do you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
:'''Mary:''' Who? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. 
:'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' No, I...
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! 
:''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? 
:'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know...
:'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. 
:''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
:''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. 
:'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? 
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
:'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? 
:''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' 
:'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! 
:'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Is it too late...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?  
:'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late.  
:'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really...
:'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

==Series 1, Episode 3==
:'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, &quot;Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'&quot;&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn?
:'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
:'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at Hugh's tie)''
:'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here?
:'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
:'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''?
:'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
:'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
:'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
:'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
:'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
:'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
:''(both start giggling)''
:'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
:'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss.
:'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see.
:'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard.
:'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger?
:'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? 
:'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um...
:'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? 
:'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. 
:''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
:''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the &quot;Goldfish Bowl.&quot; She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? 
:'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? 
:'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. 
:'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? 
:'''Angela:''' No. 
:'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. 
:'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...)
:'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. 
:'''Angela:''' Blimey. 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
:'''Angela:''' Right.   
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers?
:'''Glenn:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus...
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, &quot;Fuck off, he's selling it!&quot; They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? 
:'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
:'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
:''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? 
:'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? 
:'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? 
:'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
:'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. 
:'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. 
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh?
:'''Hugh:''' Hmm? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! 
:''(Terri enters the office.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? 
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! 
:'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this.
:''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Terri:''' We're too late. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus...
:'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. 
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal &quot;Flatgate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?!
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. 
:'''Terri:''' They should call it &quot;Notting Hill Gate-gate.&quot; 
:'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. 
:''(A moment of silence...and then...)''
:'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
:'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about &quot;Flatgate.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? 
:'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
:'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to –  
:'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? &quot;Minister is disgusting defecation outburst&quot;. [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: &quot;Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?&quot; They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!  
:'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know!
:'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me!
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying &quot;Oh, that fucker's got to go&quot;, you ''surprise'' them! &quot;''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!&quot; How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
:'''Glenn:''' What does that make me?
:'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]].
:'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' &quot;Department of Social Affairs&quot;, Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

==Series 2, Episode 1==
:''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
:'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! 
:'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. 
:'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? 
:'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. 
:'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
:'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
:'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? 
:'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
:'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um...
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? 
:'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. 
:'''Glenn:''' You're jo...
:''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What? 
:'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. 
:'''Hugh:''' What do you mean &quot;gone?&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! 
:''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil?
:'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? 
:'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP.
:'''Jamie:''' Eh?
:'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? 
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good.
:'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
:'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well.
:''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. 
:''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? 
:'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? 
:'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was &quot;in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? 
:''(Sam readily agrees.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. 
:''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
:'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. 
:'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about...
:''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a &quot;Happy Slap&quot; upside the head!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. 
:''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. 
:''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! 
:''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. 
:''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. 
:'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um...
:''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. 
:'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny.
:'''Glenn:''' That was funny?
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny.
:'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes? 
:'''Hugh:''' It was funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' SAM! 
:''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. 
:'''Hugh:''' Regional news? 
:'''Glenn:''' No nationals? 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... 
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. 
:'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. 
:''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? 
:'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... 
:''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
:''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
:'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! 
:''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
:'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
:'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile...
:'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! 
:''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' 
:'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? 
:''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
:'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?''  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. 
:''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)''
:'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 
:''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! 
:''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. 
:'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
:''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? 
:'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm &amp; Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. 
:'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. 
:'''Mark:''' Yes...
:''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? 
:'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? 
:''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm. 
:''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. 
:'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? 
:''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. 
:'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
:'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? 
:'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
:'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid.
:'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice.
:'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
:'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie?
:'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
:'''Ollie:''' No, no –
:'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine.
:'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder.
:'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
:'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
:'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. 
:'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. 
:''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...''
:''(The newsroom office cheers.)''
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. 
:'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' 
:''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
:'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' 
:''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. 
:''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. 
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles!
:''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)''
:'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you think? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
:'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
:'''Ollie:''' OK.
:'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

==Series 2, Episode 2==
:''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending &quot;Cabinet Reshuffle.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. 
:''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)''
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. 
:'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. 
:'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 
:'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. 
:'''Hugh:''' First one? 
:'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. 
:'''Hugh:''' &quot;The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. 
:'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
:'''Robyn:''' That's true. 
:'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. 
:'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. 
:'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. 
:'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. 
:'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. 
:'''Robyn:''' OK. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of...
:'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! 
:''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? 
:'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late!  
:'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. 
:''(Robyn leaves)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.  
:'''Glenn:''' What?  
:'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?   
:'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.  
:'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah!   
:'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! 
:'''Everyone else:''' Morning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. 
:'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? 
:'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? 
:'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? 
:''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. 
:'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! &quot;There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa.&quot; ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, &quot;beyond delivery, and beyond that&quot;.' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, &quot;Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later.&quot; OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like &quot;What would it be like if men had tits?&quot;, you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh?  
:'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What?   
:'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah?   
:'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? 
:'''Hugh:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.
:''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. 
:''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 
:'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? 
:'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...
:'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. 
:''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. 
:'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. 
:'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? 
:'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 
:'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally.
:'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –   
:'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Sorry?  
:'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;thank you&quot; and &quot;nice top&quot; sometimes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?   
:'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?   
:'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually.  
:'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.  
:'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;''
:''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean?  
:'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, &quot;Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary&quot;. And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, &quot;What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. 
:''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.
:'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 
:''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. 
:'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? 
:''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. 
:'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 
:'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. 
:'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 
:'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...
:'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? 
:'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? 
:'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...
:'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. 
:'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. 
:'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, &quot;Where is Julius Nicholson?&quot; 
:'''Julius:''' I'm here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! 
:'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' 
:'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...
:''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! 
:''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. 
:'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 
:'''Julius:''' No I don't. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. 
:''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 
:''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)''
:'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)''
:'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
:'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
:'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
:'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
:''(Julius walks in)''
:'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn.  
:'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?   
:'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...  
:'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''.  
:'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?  
:'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
'''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.  
:'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here?  
:'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?   
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
:''(No one laughs)''
:'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!  
:'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yep.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?   
:'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly.  
:'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.  
:'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What?   
:'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]?   
:'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning?  
:'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.  
:'''Malcolm:''' OK.  
:'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]].  
:'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?  
:'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?  
:'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.  
:'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn.  
:'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –  
:'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.  
:'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''?  
:'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.  
:'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.  
:'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat.  
:'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  
:''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)''  
:'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous.

==Series 2, Episode 3==
:''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)''
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. 
:'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. 
:'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. 
:'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? 
:''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? 
:'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision?  
:'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.  
:''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.  
:'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
:''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)''  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed &quot;The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship&quot; -- DoSAC for short.)''
:'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
:'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting &quot;Bring out your shit.&quot; And they have and it's ended up at our door. 
:'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? 
:'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. 
:'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man.
:'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. 
:''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. 
:'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. 
:'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know. 
:'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? 
:'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
:'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell &quot;graffiti.&quot; That genuinely is very mean. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
:''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)''
:'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Why?  
:'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh.  
:'''Hugh:''' Yep.  
:'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex?  
:'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke!  
:'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? 
:'''Hugh:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? 
:''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous &quot;bollocking stare.&quot;)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? 
:'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. 
:'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? 
:'''Terri:''' Sorry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. 
:'''Hugh:''' Thank you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
:'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. 
:'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
:'''Hugh:''' Yep. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? 
:''(Malcolm gives Hugh the &quot;bollocking stare.&quot; Again.)'' 
:'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? 
:'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. 
:'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...
:'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?  
:'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. 
:'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. 
:'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)''
:'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. 
:'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? 
:'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is it? 
:''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. 
:'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. 
:'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...
:''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says &quot;Christ Alive!  What a cunt !!!&quot; While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)''
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' Indeed. 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry? 
:'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. 
:'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.  
:'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.  
:'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here.  
:'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?  
:'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to –  
:'''Terri:''' What, to lie?  
:'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only –  
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'  
:''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)''  
:'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.  
:'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' How was that?  
:'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?  
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle.  
:'''Hugh:''' What?  
:'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.  
:'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.  
:'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.  
:'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie?  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? 
:'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
:'''Hugh''': What?
:'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a &quot;prepared statement&quot;. In that you will say, &quot;I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you&quot;. Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''.  
:'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''?  
:'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

==The Rise Of The Nutters==
:''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. 
:'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. 
:'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. 
:'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is...
:'''Emma:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...
:'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' I win. 
:'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. 
:'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.
:''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello!
:'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?
:'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? 
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? 
:'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. 
:'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? 
:'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. 
:''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' 
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? 
:'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. 
:'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, &quot;How do you like it?&quot; And he'll say, &quot;I've got to page Tucker.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. 
:'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? 
:'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? 
:''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Morning. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. 
:''(The three of them are nearing the office...)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? 
:'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. 
:'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. 
:'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. 
:''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)''
:'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? 
:'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. 
:'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? 
:'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? 
:'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.  
:'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. 
:'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
:'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
:'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Jamie:''' &quot;Pumpkin Tits?&quot;
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! 
:'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. 
:'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.  
:''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! 
:'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, you know...
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that &quot;I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her.&quot; ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? &quot;Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''&quot;
:'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is &quot;babysitting,&quot; arrives at the office.)'' 
:'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! 
:'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! 
:'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.
:'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. 
:'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. 
:''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? 
:'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. 
:''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, &quot;It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.&quot;)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? 
:'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. 
:'''Ben:''' Thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...
:'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. 
:'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from &quot;The Hughster?&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? 
:'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. 
:''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. 
:'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. 
:'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. 
:''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Happy trails.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. 
:'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
:'''Phil:''' Carbon. 
:'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that?
:'''Peter:''' It's just –
:'''Phil:''' Is that raffia?
:'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
:'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
:'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
:'''Phil:''' I know.
:'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me!
:'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video?
:'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. 
:''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' 
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. 
:'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. 
:''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. 
:'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? 
:'''Phil:''' No. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)''
:'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;...
:'''Peter:''' Still fine. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, &quot;100 Days of the New Leader.&quot; We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. 
:'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? 
:'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. 
:''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
:'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say?
:'''Stewart:''' No tie.
:'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually.
:'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
:'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah.
:'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
:'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
:'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it.
:'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)''
:'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. 
:'''Ben:''' Jamie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. 
:''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]].
:'''Ben:''' Oh right.
:'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again?
:'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us.
:'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Who?
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]].
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
:'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
:'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
:'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? 
:''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? 
:'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)''
:'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous?
:'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.
:'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.
:'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah.
:'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –
:'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life?
:'''Phil:''' Yes.
:''(Ollie laughs)''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)''
:'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.
:'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink.
:'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.
:'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing.
:'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'!
:'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him!
:'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js!
:'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!
:'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface?
:'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After Ben Swain's interview)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.
:'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.
:'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.
:'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?
:''(they all go to the computer)''
:'''Phil:''' There we go.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant.
:'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?
:'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook.&quot;
:'''Phil:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?&quot; Christ, that was twelve years ago!
:'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one.
:'''Peter:''' &quot;Adulterous Nazi&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' Or that one.
:'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one.
:'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. &quot;You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?&quot; Really? I mean, for God's sake.
:'''Emma:''' The chutney?
:'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse.
:'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?
:'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.
:'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.
:'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.
:'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on?
:'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] –  
:'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi.
:'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey!
:'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]?
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.
:'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.
:'''Jamie:''' Who, when?
:'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when.
:'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!
:'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
:'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;

:'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.
:'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –
:'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!
:'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.
:'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!
:'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson.
:'''Jamie:''' The Governor!
:'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].'
:'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?
:'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!
:'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –
:'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny.  
:'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again.
:'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.
:'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.
:'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)''
:'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!
:'''Phil:''' He's got keys?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline &quot;Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?&quot;)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?
:'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking?
:'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.
:'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing?
:'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.
:'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –
:'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]?
:'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
:'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right.
:'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
:'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one.
:'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?
:'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.
:'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.
:'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.
:'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?
:'''Phil:''' Shitfinger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.
:'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly?
:'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!
:'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink?
:'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes.
:'''Ben:''' Jamie?
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed.
:'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.
:'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –
:'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)''
:'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest.
:'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson?
:'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty?
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Did I?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.
:'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem?
:'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.
:'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

==Spinners and Losers==
:''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. 
:'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? 
:'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. 
:'''Angela:''' Sorry?
:'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. 
:'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you...
:''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second...
:''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.   
:'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –  
:'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing?  
:'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.  
:'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.  
:'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is.  
:'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie?
:'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him?
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. 
:'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! 
:'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you?
:&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(discussing Dan Miller)''  
:'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you?  
:'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' 
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst?  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant.  
:'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him.  
:'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' 
:'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.  
:'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. 
:'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, &quot;Don't stand against Tom.&quot; Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. 
:'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. 
:'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. 
:'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. 
:'''Geoff:''' Look...
:'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. 
:'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing...
:'''Geoff:''' No. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. 
:'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. 
:'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! 
:'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. 
:'''Nick:''' Definitely out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? 
:'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' &quot;Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?&quot; ''(and now as Tom)'' &quot;No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before.&quot; 
:'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? 
:'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. 
:'''Nick:''' Who is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? 
:'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. 
:''(A bit of a pause...)''
:'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? 
:'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. 
:'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. 
:'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? 
:'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. 
:''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--
:''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and''  Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.
:'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?  
:'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fatty?  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst.  
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. 
:'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? 
:'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? 
:'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside...
:'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? 
:'''Cliff:''' No...
:'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY!
:'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse.
:'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. 
:'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. 
:'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. 
:'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''.  
:'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.  
:'''Glenn:''' He often has.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!  
:'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.  
:'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.  
:'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.
:'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.
:'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!
:''(Jamie's cell phone rings)''
:'''Cliff:''' All right –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?
:'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)''
:'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Sorry?
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.
:'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!
:'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later.
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.
:'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout.
:'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think?
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this?
:'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.
:'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]].
:'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno.  
:'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again.
:'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later.
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?
:'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –
:'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius?
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah.
:'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just –  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' What?  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain?  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –   
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Service.  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.  
:'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. 
:'''Ben Swain:''' And so the –
:'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?
:'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then?
:'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.
:'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!''
:'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about?
:'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!
:'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –
:'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
:'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza.
:'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)''
:'''Julius:''' Stop it!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein!
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm –
:'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE!
:'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it!
:'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some!
:'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–  
:'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –   
:'''Jamie:''' Fuck!
:'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right!
:'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And –
:'''Terri:''' I know, listen –
:'''Glenn:''' No you don't –
:'''Terri:''' I do! 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –
:'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!  
:'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.  
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right?  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes.  
:'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?  
:'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'  
:'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.  
:'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'  
:'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?  
:'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?  
:'''Glenn:''' He hasn't.  
:'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right.  
:'''Ollie:''' While wanking.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight?  
:'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

=== Opposition Extra ===
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy.
:'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!  
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.  
:'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!  
:'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(watching TV in their flat)''  
:'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.  
:'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning.  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''?  
:'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?  
:'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.  
:'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it?  
:'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so –  
:'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser?  
:'''Emma:''' You are a loser!  
:'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.
:'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''.

== Series 3, Episode 1 ==
:''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. 
:'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. 
:'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
:'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. 
:'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! 
:''(beat)''
:'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? 
:'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? 
:'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. 
:'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. 
:'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says &quot;no&quot;, well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' 
:'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' You all right? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. 
:'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. 
:'''Ollie:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!  
:'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that.  
:'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right.  
:'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.  
:'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget.  
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]].  
:'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. 
:''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. 
:''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
:'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
:'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
:'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
:'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. 
:'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. 
:'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Four! 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. 
:''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. 
:''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. 
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to &quot;fuck the I'd and fist the T's,&quot; as Robert Robertson might say. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word &quot;safe,&quot; like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? 
:'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 11?
:'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? 
:'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!  
:'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the &quot;All-Swearing Eye.&quot; You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him?
:'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. 
:''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! 
:'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? 
:''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. 
:'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. 
:''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. 
:'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. 
:'''Ed:''' What do we do? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.  
:'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.  
:'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.  
:'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?  
:'''Nicola:''' What, now?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time!  
:'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?''  
:'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all.  
:'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! 
:'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: &quot;from bean to cup, you fuck up&quot;.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe!  
:'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?  
:'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh!  
:'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools.  
:'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'  
:'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least –  
:'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?  
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

== Series 3, Episode 2 ==
:''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be &quot;sacked.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. 
:''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, &quot;Fourth in the Sack race.&quot; I think we should complain to the PCC. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? 
:''(beat)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Smug. 
:'''Nicola:''' Smug? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. 
:'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – 
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)''
:'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm --
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. 
:''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
:''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
:'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. 
:'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! 
:''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? 
:''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
:'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? 
:'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. 
:'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. 
:'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) 
:'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? 
:'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? 
:'''Glenn:''' Did you...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was?  
:'''Nicola:''' Was it important? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. 
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. 
:'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. 
:''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. 
:''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!''  
:'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here!  
:'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!  
:'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!  
:'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net.  
:'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.  
:'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?  
:'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this?  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.  
:'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers?  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.
:'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! 
:'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. 
:'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? 
:'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. 
:''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. 
:'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.  
:'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go &quot;Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!&quot; Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? 
:'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Nicola:''' Fuck.  
:'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that.  
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. 
:'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.
:'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#&quot;Speaking_terms&quot;|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]!  
:'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, &quot;I don't think she's up to the job&quot;?  
:'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle!
:'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. 
:''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes!  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?  
:'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest.  
:''(later, in Nicola's office)''  
:'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.  
:'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret?  
:'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.  
:'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!  
:'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!  
:'''Marianne Swift:''' What?  
:'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

== Series 3, Episode 3 ==

:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, &quot;I heart bombing Israel.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. 
:'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
:''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Mr. Lova Lova,&quot; full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. 
:'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)''
:'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. 
:'''John:''' How was your holiday?
:'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
:'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)''
:'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 
:'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 
:'''John:''' Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 
:'''John:''' Oh, okay. &quot;He's gay.&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. 
:'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. 
:'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 
:'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. 
:'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 
:''(John leaves the room.)''
:'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he?
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's &quot;People's Champion.&quot;)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.
:'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.
:'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.  
:'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry.
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me.
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! 
:'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
:'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 
:'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? 
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. 
:'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 
:'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 
:'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 
:'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, &quot;You are totally busted.&quot; 
:''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)''
:'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
:'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
:'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
:'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
:'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
:'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah!
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the &quot;People's Champion&quot; that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 
:'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 
:'''Julie:''' Who, me? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? 
:''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)''
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. 
:'''Julie:''' That's good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, great. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today...
:'''Julie:''' Mmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 
:'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. 
:''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. 
:''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? 
:''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? 
:'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? 
:'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...
:''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)''
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;So, joking aside...&quot; Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I know. 
:'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right...
:''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;It's now my great pleasure -- &quot; ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the...
:'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
:'''Nicola:''' What's happened? 
:'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! 
:'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her...
:'''Glenn:''' Just say no! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! 
:'''Glenn:''' What part of &quot;no&quot; don't you understand? 
:'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking...
:''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. 
:'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 
:''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.
:'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what?
:'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...
:''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 
:''(John starts laughing)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? 
:'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? 
:'''Julie:''' No. 
:'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? 
:'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 
:'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? 
:'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. 
:''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm...
:''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' 
:'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just...
:''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? 
:'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! 
:''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' 
:'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. 
:'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. 
:'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! 
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- 
:''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''John:''' Oh my God...
:'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. 
:'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! 
:'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! 
:'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. 
:'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. 
:'''John:''' Okay, yeah. 
:''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? 
:'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, &quot;Fight, fight, fight!&quot; 
:''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' 
:'''Julie:''' All right? All right? 
:'''Ollie:''' If we can just get...
:''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' 
:'''Julie:''' Is he okay? 
:''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. 
:''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you...
:'''John:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? 
:'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 
:'''John:''' I am listening. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...
:''(But Glenn is GONE!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? 
:'''John:''' I don't know. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you?
:'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me?
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women.
:'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty.
:'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut up.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
:'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, &quot;He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion&quot;?
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 
:'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about...
:''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
:'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! 
:'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 
:'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! 
:''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)''   
:'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off!
:'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! 
:'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
:'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' You think?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''!
:'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
:'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat–
:'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh.
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
:'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both –
:'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech!
:'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
:'''Ollie:''' Where are they?
:'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
:'''Nicola:''' Stop talking.
:'''John:''' Right, OK.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
:'''John:''' Liar.
:'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
:'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man.
:'''Glenn:''' Why?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
:'''Glenn:''' Do we have to?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]].
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
:'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that?  
:'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
:'''Nicola:''' No!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she?
:'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
:'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking.  
:'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh!
:'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
:''(both laugh)''
:'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].'''

== Series 3, Episode 4 ==
:'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]]  I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.  
:'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'  
:'''Emma:''' OK, erm –  
:'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.  
:'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.  
:'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.  
:'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?  
:'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning.  
:'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!  
:'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!  
:'''Emma:''' Don't ask.  
:'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?  
:'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.  
:'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?  
:'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)''  
:'''Peter:''' Cher?  
:'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.  
:'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.  
:'''Phil:''' She's 12.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?  
:'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting?  
:'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.  
:'''Emma:''' Very funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss!
:'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah?
:'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!
:'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...
:'''Phil:''' Exactly!
:'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –
:'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
:'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who &quot;fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS&quot;?
:'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying &quot;it wasn't me, it wasn't me&quot; and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...?
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.
:'''Ollie:''' What? When did –?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay?
:'''Ollie''': Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing?
:'''Phil:''' No, what...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that?
:'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No...
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you.
:'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?!
:'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Peter!
:'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!
:'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh?
:'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
:'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing?
:'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. 
:'''Nicola:''' How does he know that?  
:'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.  
:'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning –  
:'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?  
:'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:''(arriving at the DoSAC building)''  
:'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]].  
:'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'  
:'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''?
:'''Peter:''' Awesome.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea?  
:'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal?  
:'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
:'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.  
:'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter?  
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter?  
:'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]].  
:'''Emma:''' Greenwich?  
:'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

== Series 3, Episode 5 ==
:''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me?
:'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''?
:'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?
:'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)''
:'''Peter:''' OK.  
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry.
:'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help?
:'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.
:'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'
:'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)''
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 
:''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)''
:'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? 
:''(Malcolm looks at the box)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? 
:''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')''
:'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 
:'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. 
:'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about &quot;I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?&quot; Is that okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' &quot;We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?&quot; 
:'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. 
:''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)''
:'''Phil:''' Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
:'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's &quot;Reverse Gekko.&quot; Greed is bad, money is awful. &quot;I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]],&quot; yeah? 
:''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 
:''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, &quot;Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup.&quot; So, no, the answer's no. 
:''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 
:'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' 
:'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. 
:''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)''
:'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 
:'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. 
:'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 
:'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 
:'''Richard:''' Classic! 
:'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! 
:'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 
:'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no...
:'''Terri:''' Yes, you do.
:'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. 
:'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 
:''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 
:'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 
:'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)''
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'
:'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)''
:'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 
:'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
:'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. 
:'''Richard:''' Are you talking about &quot;have-a-go heroes,&quot; for example? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
:'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 
:'''Richard:''' Okay. 
:'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)''
:'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! 
:'''Glenn:''' Alright! 
:'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 
:''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
:'''Glenn:''' Wh– What?
:'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
:'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
:'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a &quot;political meringue.&quot; Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. 
:''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)''
:'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? 
:'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 
:'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 
:''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' 
:'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health &amp; Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 
:'''Peter:''' (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, &quot;boo&quot; to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. 
:'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
:'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. 
:'''Richard:''' Right. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 
:'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. 
:'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. 
:'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. 
:'''Emma:''' (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. 
:'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 
:'''Stewart:''' &quot;Boo to nanny?&quot; Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. 
:'''Emma:''' What's he saying? 
:'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? 
:'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 
:''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. 
:'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen?
:'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 
:'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! 
:''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? 
:'''Emma:''' Okay. 
:'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn.
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? 
:'''Glenn:''' (smiling mockingly) I see. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. 
:''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here?
:'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.
:'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...
:'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 
:'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on?
:''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? 
:'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called &quot;fat cats.&quot;)'' 
:'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. 
:'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? 
:'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? 
:'''Peter:''' (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
:'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? 
:'''Peter:''' (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
:'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. 
:'''Peter:''' (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
:'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Phil enters the green room)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
:'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
:'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine!
:'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
:'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more.
:'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends.
:'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, I'll bite. (sighs) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. 
:'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' What? 
:'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? 
:'''Ollie:''' No, what? 
:'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. 
:'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
:''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)''   
:'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
:'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' 
:'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? 
:'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 
:'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? 
:'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. 
:'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' 
:'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue...
:'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 
:'''Richard:''' Wow! 
:'''Peter:''' What? 
:'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! 
:'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! 
:'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. 
:'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? 
:'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&amp;A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! 
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
:'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
:'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]!
:'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?''
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' 
:'''Phil:''' Bullshit! 
:''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! 
:'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. 
:'''Ollie &amp; Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! 
:''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' 
:'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
:'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 
:'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 
:''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' 
:'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 
:'''Phil:''' Bad. 
:'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 
:'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
:'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
:'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' 
:'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? 
:'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 
:'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
:'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 
:'''Emma:''' Sorry...
:'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 
:'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? 
:'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be...
:'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].''
:''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 
:'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' 
:'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of &quot;gits.&quot;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. 
:''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner)'' 
:'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
:'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
:'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
:'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
:'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
:'''Emma:''' Funny.
:'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work.
:'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself.
:''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. 
:'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. 
:''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
:'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? 
:'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
:'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! 
:'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... 
:'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 
:'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. 
:''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
:'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
:'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the &quot;Shut Down&quot; button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. 
:'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! 
:'''Malcolm:''' This switch... 
:'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Richard reads the text from &quot;Tim in Ruislip,&quot; which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' 
:'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
:'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. 
:'''Richard:''' And he says, &quot;Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition.&quot; 
:''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
:'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?''  
:'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
:'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
:'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
:'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the &quot;Piercings Man&quot;)'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. 
:'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! 
:''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 
:'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? 
:'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. 
:''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? 
:'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your &quot;common sense checklist,&quot; yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 
:'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! 
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? &quot;Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor&quot;?
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
:'''Malcolm:''' I have!   
:'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? 
:'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! 
:'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 
:'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 
:'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. 
:'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)''
:'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!
:'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

== Series 3, Episode 6 ==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
:'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 
:''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Morning. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 
:'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. 
:''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
:'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any...
:'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath...
:''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. 
:'''Terri:''' Do please let me...
:''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. 
:'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
:'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good-o. 
:'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 
:''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)''
:'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? 
:'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. 
:'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 
:'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. 
:'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, &quot;Don't worry about me&quot;? Are you big in Japan or something? 
:''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 
:''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. 
:'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? 
:'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. 
:'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? &quot;He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.&quot; How about that? 
:'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. 
:'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
:'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]!
:'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]].
:'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]?
:'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero.  
:'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...
:''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' OH!
:'''Ben:''' JESUS! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 
:'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 
:''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)''
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really...
:'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again...
:'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. 
:'''Ben:''' I will forget...
:'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? 
:'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 
:''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. 
:'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. 
:'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm?
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do?
:''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 
:''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. 
:''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock &quot;Peace&quot; sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 
:'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here?
:'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 
:'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 
:'''Terri:''' Well...
:'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? 
:'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? 
:'''Nicola:''' That's the one. 
:'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a &quot;pardon?&quot; I'm sorry. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 
:'''Nicola:''' Which is? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
:'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it?
:'''Ollie:''' Hah!
:'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4.
:'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you mind?
:'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you!
:'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
:'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit.
:'''Nicola:''' What are you saying?  
:'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
:'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit.
:'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
:'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this?
:'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
:'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
:'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street.
:'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
:'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
:'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right?
:''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
:'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
:'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about.  
:'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.'
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
:'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. 
:''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –
:'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –
:'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid –
:'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU!  
:''(long silence)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry.
:'''Terri:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things?
:'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?
:'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.
:'''Terri:''' Okay.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track.
:'''Terri:''' Get back on track.
:''(both leave the room)''
:'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right?
:'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase.
:'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.
:'''Ollie:''' What did he say?
:'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.
:'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)''
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 
:'''Nicola:''' Nope. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. 
:'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure.
:'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!
:'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills &amp; Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about.

==Series 3, Episode 7==
:''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. 
:''(MORE big bottles of water!)''
:'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?  
:'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. 
:'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. 
:'''Ollie:''' Get in! 
:'''Glenn:''' What?
:'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? 
:'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! 
:'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. 
:'''Terri:''' The tennis player?
:'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. 
:'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. 
:'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? 
:'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! 
:'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? 
:'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' Possibly.
:'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. 
:'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
:'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. 
:'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) &quot;There we go!&quot; You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! 
:'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. 
:'''Terri:''' TBA? 
:'''Nicola:''' To be announced. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, just...
:'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
:'''Terri:''' Sure, sure...
:'''Nicola:''' FFS. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.
:'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm?
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays!
:'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where?
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.
:'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?
:'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...
:'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.
:'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. 
:'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? 
:''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)''
:'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry...
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? 
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. 
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. 
:'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? 
:''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' 
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh.
:'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]].
:'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
:'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
:''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look.
:'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
:'''Nicola:''' You're lucky.
:'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
:'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! 
:'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! 
:''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay...
:''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)''  
:'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Hi. 
:'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. 
:'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah! 
:'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but...
:'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. 
:'''Nicola:''' Does it now? 
:'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. 
:''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)''
:'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? 
:'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
:'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. 
:'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. 
:'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. 
:'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. 
:'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. 
:'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. 
:'''Steve:''' Oh! 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. 
:''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye.
:'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)''  
:'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.
:'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.
:'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!'
:'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)''
:'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. 
:'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. 
:'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word &quot;useful&quot; here, I'm still running the show. Right? 
:'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? 
:''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. 
:'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. 
:'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
:'''Nicola:''' What?
:'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. 
:'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? 
:'''Terri:''' Press two. 
:'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! 
:'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. 
:'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. 
:'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! 
:''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. 
:'''Ollie:''' Why? 
:'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. 
:'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got &quot;nail-bombing golf clubs,&quot; there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. 
:'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? 
:'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. 
:'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. 
:'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! 
:'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. 
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to...
:'''Terri:''' Me? 
:'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, &quot;Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign.&quot; 
:'''Terri:''' Right. 
:''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. 
:'''Ollie:''' Excellent. 
:'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! 
:''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. 
:'''Glenn:''' &quot;Vandalism?&quot; &quot;Bicycle theft?&quot; Oh, this is ridiculous! 
:''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)''
:'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. 
:'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? 
:'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. 
:'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
:''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? 
:'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. 
:'''Ollie:''' &quot;Other theft?&quot; What the fuck is other theft? 
:'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. 
:'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
:'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this?
:'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
:'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
:'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it &quot;Custard Cancer.&quot; (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. 
:'''Sam:''' Where did you go? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? 
:'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? 
:''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, &quot;Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well.&quot; Fuck a Pot Noodle. 
:''(Uh-oh...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. 
:'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? 
:'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? 
:''(Nicola nods her head &quot;Yes.&quot;)''
:'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for...
:'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? 
:'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. 
:'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? 
:'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. 
:'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. 
:'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
:'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
:'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking &quot;Ew, Nicola!&quot; Fleming! 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
:'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. 
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog?
:'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.
:'''Steve:''' Oh, nice.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.
:'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! 
:'''Malcolm:''' What?
:'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...
:'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? 
:'''Steve:''' No, I mean...
:''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) 
:'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy.
:'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse.
:'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?
:'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?
:'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you!
:'''Steve:''' All right, go on then!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!''
:'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?''
:'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?
:'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? 
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! &quot;The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections.&quot; Shit! 
:'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. 
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine.
:''(Both men leave the office.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie &amp; Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)''
:'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. 
:'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. 
:'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. 
:''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Steve &amp; Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)''
:'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?
:'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –
:'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.
:'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)''
:'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?
:'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.
:'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!''
:'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20!
:'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War!
:'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.
:''(Malcolm returns.)''
:'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart –
:'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart!
:'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.
:'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement.
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!
:'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop!
:'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!
:'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!
:'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a &quot;Tug of War&quot; of sorts for Nicola's attention.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats...
:''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his &quot;office...&quot; and shuts Steve out.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. 
:''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. 
:''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. 
:'''Nicola:''' NO! 
:'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. 
:'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? 
:'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. 
:'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. 
:'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! 
:'''Nicola:''' I cannot...
:'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? 
:'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! 
:'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. 
:'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? 
:'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. &quot;Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs.&quot; 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. 
:''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! 
:''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when...
:''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)''
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. 
:'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? 
:'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? 
:'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. 
:''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! 
:''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! 
:'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? 
:'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. 
:'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? 
:'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? 
:'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So soon? 
:'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. 
:''(But just before Steve leaves...)''
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. 
:'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. 
:''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)''
:'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]].
:'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
:'''Glenn:''' Where?
:'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
:'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide?
:'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide.
:'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]].
:'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.
:''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? 
:'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? 
:'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back?
:'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. 
:'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? 
:''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)''
:'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm.
:'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive.
:'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks?
:'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks.
:'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters.
:'''Steve:''' I know they are.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. 
:'''Steve:''' Shall I go first?
:'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. 
:'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. 
:'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. 
:''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? 
:'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up...
:'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...
:'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? 
:''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)''
:'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, &quot;Nicola's choking.&quot; But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? &quot;Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!&quot;
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. 
:''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. 
:'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. 
:''(An awkward silence...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. 
:'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...
:''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! 
:''(Julius enters the office.)'' 
:'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? 
:'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. 
:''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? 
:'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' 
:'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! 
:'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. 
:''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
:'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! 
:'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! 
:''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc –
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me!
:'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc!
:'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –  
:'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off –
:'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.
:'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second.
:'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead.
:'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER!
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. 
:'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...
:''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)''
:'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) &quot;Malcolm Tucker resigns...&quot; Looks pretty factual to me. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! 
:'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. 
:''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... 
:'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --
:''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! 
:'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! 
:'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? 
:'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! 
:''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' 
:'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! 
:'''Julius:''' I warn you! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! 
:''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)''
:'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]?
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)''  
:'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
:'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy.
:'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
:'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

==Series 3, Episode 8==
:''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 
:'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)''
:'''Peter:''' End of an era! 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! 
:'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. 
:''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? 
:'''Glenn:''' Sorry.
:'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? 
:'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, &quot;Hello, game, it's Glenn!&quot; 
:'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' 
:'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No!  
:'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon.  
:'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?  
:'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.  
:'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –  
:'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
:'''Ollie:''' We're in government.
:'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that?
:'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag.
:'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
:'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh?
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? 
:'''Steve:''' Yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' Great. 
:'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' 
:'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. 
:'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. 
:'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. 
:''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn &amp; Ollie.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
:''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh...
:'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. 
:'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn &amp; Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
:''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)''
:'''Julius:''' Take the rice first.
:'''Malcolm:''' Thank you.
:'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 
:'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? 
:'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? 
:'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. 
:'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, &quot;This shit just got real.&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? 
:'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 
:'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. 
:''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)''
:'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?  
:'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
:'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
:'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
:'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)''
:'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
:'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme.
:'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)''
:'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis.
:'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 
:'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.
:'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
:'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
:'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' 
:'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got?  
:'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 
:'''Everyone:''' Ooh!  
:'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks.  
:'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?  
:'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. 
:'''Ollie:''' He's back.  
:'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore?  
:'''Ollie:''' No.  
:'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck!  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing?  
:'''Nicola:''' You're back. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.  
:'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto.  
:'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.  
:'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Julius:''' You...
:'''Malcolm:''' Julius!
:'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard!
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
:'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
:'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your &quot;World's Shittiest Dad&quot; mug.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
:'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!''
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
:'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do!
:'''Malcolm:''' Steve!
:'''Steve:''' Yeah?
:'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do!
:'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
:'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye!
:'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly!
:''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 
:'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison.
:'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
:'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 
:''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Cal! 
:'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. 
:'''Stewart:''' Hi. 
:'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. 
:'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. 
:'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. 
:''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? 
:'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. 
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 
:'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 
:'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! 
:''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)''
:'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
:'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
:'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
:''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 
:'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) &quot;Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're...&quot; Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
:'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. 
:'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
:'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
:''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' 
:'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
:''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' 
:'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – 
:'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about?  
:'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain.  
:'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –  
:'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring.  
:'''Ollie:''' As Jacob.  
:'''Nicola:''' With a beard?  
:'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.  
:'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#&quot;Green_and_pleasant_Land&quot;|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them –  
:'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes!  
:'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going.  
:'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line?  
:'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it?  
:'''Phil:''' What do we do?  
:'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying &quot;Abingdon&quot; to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.  
:'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'  
:'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)''
:'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.  
:'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer.  
:'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
:'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.  
:'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now.

==Series 4, Episode 1==
:''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. 
:''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
:'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the &quot;Coalition Government.&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? 
:'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. 
:'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. 
:'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 
:'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;   
:'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. 
:'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? 
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely. 
:'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's &quot;win squared!&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? 
:'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. 
:'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
:''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)''
:'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.''
:'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? 
:'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. 
:'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry.&quot; We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see...
:'''Emma:''' We can.  
:'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]]
:''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)
:'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or...
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&amp;E. Everything all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. 
:'''Stewart:''' PM's orders.
:'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. 
:'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? 
:'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. 
:'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. 
:'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. 
:''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' 
:'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. 
:'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? 
:''(Quiet in the room again...)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. 
:'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.
:'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground &quot;gigabits,&quot; people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. 
:'''Adam:''' There you go. 
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
:'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot.
:'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
:'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
:''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)''
:'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
:'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
:'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. 
:'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. &quot;Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup.&quot; Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
:'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? 
:'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. 
:'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? 
:'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. 
:'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
:'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
:'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that.
:'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)''
:'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? 
:'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? 
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. 
:'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. 
:'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right?
:'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? 
:'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. 
:''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)''
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)''
:'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
:'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
:'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
:'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]?
:'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom.
:'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
:'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –
:'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?
:'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&amp;A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?
:'''Teacher:''' Charlotte.
:'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.
:'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again?
:'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh.
:'''Peter:''' I'm sorry?
:'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj.
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] –
:'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
:'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your –
:'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one.
:'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
:'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
:'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –
:'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation?
:'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister.
:'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do?
:'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
:'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
:'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
:'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
:'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
:'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
:'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? 
:'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. 
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? 
:'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. 
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? 
:'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry...
:'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. 
:'''Peter:''' I see. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a &quot;fibre-optic Fagan?&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.  
:''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)''
:'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? 
:'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? 
:'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. 
:''(Peter gets into his car.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
:'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. 
:'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? 
:'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! 
:''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]?
:'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
:'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? 
:'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily &quot;gaffe dump.&quot; What was the word I used this morning?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture.
:'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used?
:'''Fergus:''' Coalition?
:'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
:'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
:'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
:'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
:'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied.
:'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)''
:'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking.
:'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
:'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40!
:'''Terri:''' One last thing.
:'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]?
:'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? 
:'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
:'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
:'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri.
:'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
:'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Raj:''' What do you actually do?
:''(quiet laughter from the students)''
:'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
:'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
:'''Raj:''' This is bullshit!
:''(the students laugh)''
:'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
:'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
:'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh!
:'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''.
:'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
:'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]].
:'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.
:'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era.

==Series 4, Episode 2==
:'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. 
:'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
:'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
:'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.  
:'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?  
:'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder &amp; Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)''
:'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – 
:'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers.  
:'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights.  
:'''Ollie:''' No!  
:'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry.  
:'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions.  
:'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] –   
:'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –  
:'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band.  
:'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.  
:'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special.  
:'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.  
:'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.  
:'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
:'''Ben:''' Ploop.
:'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that?
:'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)''  
:'''Nicola:''' &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; on every fucking paper! 
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?
:'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it!
:'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.
:'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?
:'''Ollie:''' What film?
:'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.
:'''Ollie:''' Star Wars?
:'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –
:'''Ollie:''' Death Star.
:'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.
:'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
:'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – 
:'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that –  
:'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.  
:'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?
:'''Dan:''' Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk.  
:'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?  
:'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.  
:'''Ben:''' Sorry.  
:'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong.  
:'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk!  
:'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat.  
:'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]].  
:'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.  
:'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.  
:'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?  
:'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call.  
:'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?
:'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you OK?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;''(deleted scene)''
:'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?  
:'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.  
:'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths.  
:'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?  
:'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah.

==Series 4, Episode 3==
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' 
:'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from &quot;Peter Withdrawal&quot; symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. 
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 
:'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.
:'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 
:'''Emma:''' What do you mean, &quot;You're in charge?&quot; You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! 
:'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. 
:'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! 
:'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? 
:'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)
:''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)''  
:'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.  
:'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.
:'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today?
:'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. 
:'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. 
:'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 
:'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. 
:'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)''
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]!  
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?  
:'''Peter:''' When it's at your house?  
:''(quiet laughter)'' 
:'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter!   
:'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you.  
:'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.
:'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that &quot;consensus.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? 
:'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 
:''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)''
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. 
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. 
:'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. 
:'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 
:'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over &quot;hash-tag epic fail?&quot; Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. 
:'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. 
:'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist...
:'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. 
:'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. 
:''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. 
:'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
:'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. 
:'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. 
:'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)''
:'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. 
:'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. 
:'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 
:'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. 
:'''Adam:''' Ah.
:'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. 
:'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. 
:'''Fergus:''' Making  sure the can-doers don't get canned. 
:'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a &quot;mind game.&quot; He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...
:'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? 
:'''Mary:''' Yes. 
:'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? 
:'''Mary:''' No. 
:'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. 
:''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! 
:'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. 
:'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. 
:'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. 
:'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. 
:'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' 
:'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. 
:'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
:'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' Um, Community...
:'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. 
:'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with &quot;Advance...&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? 
:'''Tara:''' The We Bank. 
:'''Adam:''' I like that. 
:'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)''
:'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
:'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the &quot;Sexy Stranger?&quot; She's some kind of economist, apparently. 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 
:'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. 
:'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an &quot;ideagasm?&quot; 
:'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. 
:'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? 
:'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. 
:'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. 
:'''Tara:''' Yeah? 
:'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 
:'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' £2 billion?
:'''Tara:''' £2 billion. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 
:'''Tara:''' Sure. 
:'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.  
:''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)''
:'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
:'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. 
:'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. 
:'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. 
:'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here, uh, &quot;Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds.&quot; God, that sounds dreary. 
:'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 
:'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!   
:''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)''  
:'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.  
:'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?   
:'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.  
:'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!  
:'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?   
:'''Fergus:''' Not at all. 
:'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.  
:'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.  
:'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
:''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)''
:'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
:'''Phil:''' Oh shit...!
:'''Adam:''' Jesus...!
:''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])''
:'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
:'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? 
:'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! 
:'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? 
:'''Adam:''' No! 
:'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. 
:'''Fergus:''' He is dead. 
:'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. 
:'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. 
:'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. 
:''(Terri enters the room.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 
:'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 
:'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. 
:'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! 
:'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. 
:'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? 
:'''Fergus:''' We've done that. 
:'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
:'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. 
:'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! 
:'''Tara:''' Oh my God! 
:''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' 
:'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! 
:'''Fergus &amp; Adam:''' Thank you. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. 
:''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' 
:'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit?  
:'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.  
:'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
:'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 
:'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)''
:'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 
:'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. 
:'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. 
:'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. 
:'''Tara:''' Thank you. 
:'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. 
:'''Tara:''' See you soon. 
:''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! 
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. 
:'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? 
:'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet?   
:'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? 
:'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it.  
:'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!  
:''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)''  
:'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri.  
:'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
:'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho!
:'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]''
:'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers.
:'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h-
:'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental!
:'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
:'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]''
:'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
:'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
:'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
:'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)''
:'''Stewart:''' No!
:'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you.
:'''Stewart:''' What?
:'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.  
:'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.  
:'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.  
:'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? 
:'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir?  
:'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. 
:'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? 
:'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 
:''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. 
:'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. 
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Receptionist:''' &quot;No reception at reception,&quot; we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. 
:'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. 
:'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 
:'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 
:''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)''
:'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital...
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. 
:'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. 
:'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. 
:'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' What? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. 
:'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 
:'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
:'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! 
:''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! 
:'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! 
:'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. 
:''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! 
:''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. 
:'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. 
:'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
:'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
:''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)''  
:'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!  
:'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it.  
:'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.  
:'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
:'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 
:''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? 
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. 
:'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.  
:'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.  
:'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with &quot;Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?&quot;   
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)''  
:'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way!  
:'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. 
:'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh!   
:'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'  
:'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?   
:'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? 
:'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets.  
:'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake!  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
:''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
:'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
:'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
:'''Emma:''' ... What?
:'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
:'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]].
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
:'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist?
:'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
:'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!'''
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us.
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
:'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion.
:'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?''
:'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin!
:'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
:'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then!
:'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?'''''
:'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
:''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)''
:'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
:'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
:'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f–   
:'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no...  
:'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''.  
:'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]].  
:''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)''  
:'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ!   
:'''Terri:''' Shit!  
:''(Stewart storms off)''   
:'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.  
:'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! 
:'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''?   
:'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!  
:'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
:'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
:'''Fergus:''' Bring it! 
:'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. 
:''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)''
:'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' 
:'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 
:'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 
:'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. 
:'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. 
:'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. 
:''(Fergus does the &quot;imaginary tits...&quot;)'' 
:'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)''
:'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)''
:'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

==Series 4, Episode 4==
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: &quot;Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin&quot;. Waste of skin, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey!  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up.  
:'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. 
:'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)''  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' &quot;Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'&quot;?  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming.  
:'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
:'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now?
:'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; &quot;I hate you.&quot; &quot;I fucking hate you.&quot; 
:'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.  
:'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?  
:'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe –  
:'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.  
:'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.  
:'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.  
:'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. 
:'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.
:'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. 
:'''Ben:''' Oh, right. 
:'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. 
:'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.  
:'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?  
:'''Ben:''' You might.  
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.  
:'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.  
:'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.
:'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? 
:'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. 
:'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!  
:'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)''
:'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? 
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. 
:'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? 
:'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' 
:''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)''
:'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. 
:'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. 
:'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?  
:'''Glenn:''' Sad business.  
:'''Ollie:''' Very sad business.  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!  
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.  
:'''Glenn:''' Okey doke.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished.  
:'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.  
:'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!  
:'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.  
:'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.  
:'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.  
:'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?  
:'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering?  
:'''Ollie:''' Name your price!  
:'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor.  
:''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny.  
:'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)''  
:'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?  
:'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''?  
:''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)''  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging.  
:'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?  
:'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.  
:'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor.  
:'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?  
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?  
:'''Ben:''' Good, strong.  
:'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy?  
:'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but –  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?  
:'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]].  
:'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking.  
:'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!  
:'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.  
:'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.  
:'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?  
:'''Dan:''' No, no.  
:''(Ben leaves)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real?  
:'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?  
:'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?  
:''(Dan nods and smiles.)''  
:'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got?  
:'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)''
:'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' 
:'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.
:'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? 
:'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. 
:'''Ben:''' You've...Um...
:'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)''
:'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! 
:'''Helen:''' What? 
:'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. 
:'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.  
:'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. 
:'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. 
:'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. 
:'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, &quot;Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband.&quot; I'm sorry. Why would you do that? 
:'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' 
:'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...
:''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)''
:'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? 
:'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. 
:'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.  
:''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.
:'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one!  
:''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)''  
:'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

==Series 4, Episode 5==
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)''
:'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. &quot;Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams.&quot; 
:'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. 
:'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. 
:''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen.
:'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? 
:'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, &quot;Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring.&quot; Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an &quot;I see you&quot; gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two...
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck.
:'''Stewart:''' ...to get together...
:'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way.  
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. 
:''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' 
:'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! 
:'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. 
:'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)''  
:'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. 
:'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. 
:'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. 
:''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. 
:'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' 
:'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. 
:'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.  
:'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
:'''Peter:''' Yeah, how?
:'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
:'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
:'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
:'''Phil:''' That is a good idea.
:'''Peter:''' Really?
:'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
:'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
:'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
:''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. 
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. 
:'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
:'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. 
:'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. 
:'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.
:'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.
:'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...
:'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. 
:'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation.
:''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''.
:'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. 
:'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. 
:'''Nicola:''' Finished? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished.
:'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in &quot;its&quot; ''(pointing to the &quot;Its Miller Time&quot; sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, &quot;Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre.&quot; 
:'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? 
:'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. 
:'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? 
:'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' 
:'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
:''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. 
:'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? 
:'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. 
:'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! 
:'''Adam:''' Pick it up. 
:''(After some thought...)''
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you.
:''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)''
:'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand.  
:'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. 
:'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. 
:''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? 
:'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford &amp; Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. 
:'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. 
:'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. 
:'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. 
:'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? 
:'''Glenn:''' What? 
:'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
:'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. 
:'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. 
:'''Terri:''' No, of course not. 
:''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' 
:'''Glenn &amp; Terri:''' One, two, three... 
:''(They click the mouse.)'' 
:'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a &quot;whiteboard session&quot;...much to Peter's annoyance.)''
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. 
:'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? 
:'''Peter:''' What's &quot;Tickle's M Records&quot;?  
:'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. 
:'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. 
:'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? 
:'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? 
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. 
:'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. 
:'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. 
:'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? 
:'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. 
:'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? 
:'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.  
:'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)''  
:'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.  
:'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
:'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes?  
:'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil.  
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me!  
:'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus!  
:'''Emma:''' I kid you not!  
:'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck.  
:''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)''  
:'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.  
:'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger?  
:'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.  
:'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?
:'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.
:'''Malcolm:''' Glenn?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah.
:'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.
:'''Ollie:''' Yes...
:'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know!
:'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
:'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
:'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn!
:'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here!
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
:'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, &quot;sacrifice&quot;? I thought we had a deal! &quot;Sacrifice&quot; sounds very one-sided.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, &quot;piss off&quot; sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm!
:'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
:'''Ollie:''' Right.
:'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
:'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
:'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother.
:'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
:'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
:'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it?  
:'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]].
:'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. 
:'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. 
:''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! 
:''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)''
:'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. 
:''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. 
:'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. 
:'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
:'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? 
:'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? 
:'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a...
:'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! 
:''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' 
:'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
:'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ...
:'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! 
:''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' 
:'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. 
:'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. 
:'''Terri:''' Please...
:'''Peter:''' Stop following me. 
:'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
:'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. 
:'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. 
:''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? 
:'''Adam:''' Yeah? 
:'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. 
:'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. 
:'''Adam:''' Trousers down. 
:'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? 
:''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. 
:''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' 
:'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. 
:'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on...
:'''Adam:''' What?
:'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. 
:'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? 
:'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? 
:'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the...
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. 
:'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell...
:''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? 
:'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. 
:'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? 
:'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! 
:'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! 
:'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! 
:'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!  
:'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me.
:'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
:'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
:'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!''
:'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know!
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
:''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)''
:'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah?
:'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. 
:'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! 
:'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
:'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!''
:'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!  
:'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm!  
:'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.  
:'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
:''(Fergus and Adam burst in)''  
:'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
:'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on?
:'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]]
:'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. 
:'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] 
:'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)''  
:'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.  
:'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.  
:'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it.

==Series 4, Episode 6==
:''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the &quot;Human Rooter&quot; in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? 
:'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a &quot;router,&quot; in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? 
:'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? 
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? &quot;If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito.&quot; 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? 
:'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. 
:'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? 
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you...
:'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A...
:'''Stewart:''' A flautist. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. 
:'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? 
:'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? 
:'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.  
:'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?  
:'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant.  
:'''Stewart:''' Thanks.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous?  
:'''Stewart:''' Yes.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. 
:'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?  
:'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?
:'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.  
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?  
:'''Stewart:''' No, no.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself?  
:'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?  
:'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, &quot;How would you describe yourself?&quot; 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? 
:'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. &quot;Malcolm made me do it.&quot; Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.&lt;nowiki/&gt;'  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''.  
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and&lt;nowiki/&gt; corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you&lt;nowiki/&gt; make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?
:'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to&lt;nowiki/&gt; put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.  
:'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know &lt;nowiki/&gt;what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are.  
:'''Ba'''&lt;nowiki/&gt;'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker.
:''(Malcolm simply gives a &quot;so be it&quot; look.)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? 
:'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Anything. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot;, uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the &quot;Quiet Batpeople&quot; headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. 
:''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you.
:'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? 
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? 
:'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a &quot;ethical&quot; leaker, if you will? 
:'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! 
:'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get &quot;Tuckered.&quot; It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. 
:'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun?  
:'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.  
:'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. 
:''(A short time later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? 
:'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. 
:'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. 
:'''Fergus:''' ...to be &quot;skin flakes.&quot;
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)''  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? 
:'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?  
:'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.  
:'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?  
:'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.
:'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, &quot;fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]].&quot; Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? 
:'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... 
:''(A few moments later...)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase &quot;data smuggling&quot;? 
:'''Peter:''' Data what?
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. 
:''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. 
:'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?  
:'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.
:''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' Yes. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? 
:'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? 
:'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? 
:'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does?  
:'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?  
:'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.  
:''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)''  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?  
:'''Adam:''' Yes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?  
:'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –  
:'''Emma:''' Absolutely.  
:'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.  
:'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.
:'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.  
:'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling?  
:'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience?  
:'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch.  
:'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there?  
:'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes?  
:'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. 
:'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? 
:'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' No? 
:'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'  
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'  
:'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.
:'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that?
:'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. 
:'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying.
:'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. 
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. 
:'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...
:'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? 
:'''Ollie:''' Erm...
:'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. 
:''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. 
:'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? 
:'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...
:'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- 
:'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. 
:'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? 
:'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? 
:'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. 
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. 
:'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? 
:'''Glenn:''' No, the only &quot;F&quot; word was &quot;Fun.&quot; 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. 
:'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- &quot;Does a cow drink milk?&quot; 
:'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? 
:'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? 
:'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... 
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, &quot;Have you ever leaked?&quot; 
:'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. 
:'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? 
:'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? 
:'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? 
:'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. 
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? 
:'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.  
:'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a &quot;what, me guv?&quot; panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all?  
:'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?  
:'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it?  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph.  
:'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder?  
:'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive.  
:'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
:'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall.
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished?
:'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down?
:'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that?  
:'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?  
:'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no.  
:'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you.  
:'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.  
:''(all chuckle)''
:'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.  
:'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see.  
:'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?  
:'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean?  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you.  
:'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.  
:'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language?  
:'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.  
:'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that –  
:'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that.  
:'''Terri:''' No, er –&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(deleted scene)''
:'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.  
:'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

==Series 4, Episode 7==
:''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? 
:'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. 
:'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? 
:'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]].
:'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
:'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]].
:'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
:'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?  
:'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.  
:'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]].
:''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' 
:'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. 
:'''Terri:''' Okay, uh...
:'''Adam:''' So what is it? 
:'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. 
:'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. 
:''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. 
:''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' 
:'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. 
:'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. 
:'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? 
:'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. 
:'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. 
:''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' 
:'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. 
:'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. 
:'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. 
:'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)''
:'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
:'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)''
:'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles!
:'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
:'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
:'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
:'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
:'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' 
:'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. 
:'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. 
:'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. 
:'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? 
:'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. 
:'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.
:'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.
:'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them.
:'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
:'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
:'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.
:'''Ollie:''' No.
:'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
:'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh?
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: &quot;Wah wah wah wah wah!&quot; And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
:'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
:'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.
:'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?
:'''Ollie:''' ... Yes.
:'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!
:'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit.
:'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
:'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit.
:'''Ollie:''' No, I know.
:'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. &quot;There he goes,&quot; they'll say. &quot;No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs.&quot; ... Well, fuck them.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)''
:'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
:'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. 
:'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
:'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)''
:'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.
:'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)''
:'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?
:'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself.
:'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)''
:'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... 
:'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection?
:'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
:'''Phil:''' Is that it?
:'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
:'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
:'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
:'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
:'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]].
:'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
:'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it.
:'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. 
:'''Adam:''' Yep.
:'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here!
:'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)''
:'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!''
:'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's –
:'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
:'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
:'''Glenn:''' And Emma.
:'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
:'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)''
:'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa.
:'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
:'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
:'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)''
:'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''.
:'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn!
:'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back?
:'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
:'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Malcolm's last line)''
:'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. 
:'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?''
:'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. 
:'''Terri:''' Thank you. 
:'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. 
:''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' 
:'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. 
:'''Terri:''' What? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? 
:'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? 
:'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...
:''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' 
:'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(This is the show's closing line.)''
:'''Peter:''' What a shit day!

== Cast ==

'''The Government'''
* [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]]
* [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]]
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]]
* [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]]
* [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]]
* [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]]
* [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]]
* [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]]
* [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]]
* [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver &quot;Ollie&quot; Reeder]]
* [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]]

'''Her Majesty's Civil Service'''
* [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]]
* [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]]

'''The Opposition'''
* [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]]
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]]
* [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]]
* [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]]

'''The Media'''
* [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]]
* [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]]

'''Former Characters'''
* [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]]
* [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]]
* [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]]
* [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] 
* [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}}
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'''''[[w:Dragnet (series)|Dragnet]]''''' syndicated as '''''Badge 714''''', is a radio and television [[w:police procedural|crime drama]] about the cases of a dedicated Los Angeles police detective, Sergeant [[w:Joe Friday|Joe Friday]], and his partners. The show takes its name from an actual police term, a &quot;[[w:dragnet (policing)|dragnet]]&quot;, meaning a system of coordinated measures of apprehending criminals or suspects.

== Show introduction ==
[''first lines'']
:'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joe''': This is the city: Los Angeles, California. I work here. I'm a cop.

== [[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1951 series)|1951 series]] ==

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1951 series)#ep18|The Big Seventeen]]'' [2.4] ===
:'''Joe''': No, sir. It's no mistake. Marijuana.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joe''': Do the youngsters know what these goofballs are made of, son?

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1951 series)#ep64|The Big Little Jesus]]'' [3.17] ===
:'''Frank''': Christmas cards, huh? A little late, aren't you?
:'''Joe''': Well, I was going to send them out Monday, but we had that stakeout.

==The 1966 TV movie==
:''[Sergeant Dave Bradford, an African-American member of the squad, has called on Friday to assist him in dealing with Carl Rockwell, a long-time criminal and frequent annoyance to Friday who was arrested for molesting a little girl. Friday enters the interrogation room where Rockwell, who is sitting at a table, spots him.]
:'''Rockwell''' ''[to Friday]'': Well, whaddaya know. The immortal sergeant.
:'''Bradford''': All right Rockwell, let's try it again. You have the right to an attorney, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say to us can be used against you in a court of law. 
:'''Rockwell''' ''[sarcastically]'': You already told me that once...
:'''Bradford''': Do you understand it?
:'''Rockwell''': Like I said, I didn't before.
:'''Bradford''': What do you mean, you didn't before?
:'''Rockwell''': Like I told you and those uniformed bums who rousted me, I didn't understand.
:'''Bradford''': You didn't understand what?
:'''Rockwell''': Boy. You ''are'' thick, aren't you.
:'''Bradford''': You didn't understand, what?
:'''Rockwell''': All that jazz about I can remain silent and anything I say you can testify against me. I'm gonna be silent any time now and I'll tell you ''when''!
:'''Bradford''': But you understand it now.
:'''Rockwell''' ''[annoyed]'': I do now. I'm getting a little tired of hearing it, but I understand it. Now ''you'' understand ''me''. You bums have rousted me for the last time! This is the last time you're gonna haul me in on a bum rap! Now why don't you two goons join the hubcap detail and roust a few teenagers? If you think you can handle it.
:'''Bradford''': Suppose you tell us what you were doing with that little four year old out in Westlake Park?
:'''Rockwell''' ''[infuriated]'': It's &quot;when&quot;! Go swallow a germ, you nigger cop.
:''[An angry Friday, having now heard enough, slams Rockwell's file into the table, which startles Rockwell]''
:'''Friday''': Now you listen to me, you gutter-mouth punk. I've dealt with you before, and every time I did, it took me a month to wash off the filth. I'll tell you what you did with that four-year old girl out in Westlake Park; you staked out a bench like you've always done. You bought a sack of penny candy. You waited until the right little girl came along. Tuesday afternoon at four o'clock, she did. You told her you were gonna take her for a ride around the block. You got her in your car, she started to cry. You hit her across the mouth twice. You cut her lip with your ring, knocked out three of her teeth. And then you know what you did to her...''get your head up when I'm talking to you! [pause]'' Now, I didn't say that, Rockwell, ''you'' did. That's exactly what you told those officers who arrested you. They advised you of your constitutional rights before you opened your mouth. Now you're trying to tell us you didn't understand. Well, you're a liar. You understood what your rights were then just as you understand now! Somewhere in the last forty hours while you were rattling around in the bucket you got the word. You know that 62 Cal.2d 338 states that you be advised of your right to remain silent and as you must thoroughly understand and waive that right, because if you don't any confession you make is inadmissible as testimony in a court of law. Forty hours ago you confessed to what you did to that little girl. ''That'' was the truth. Now you sit here and tell us that you didn't understand your rights, that's a ''lie''! Like every hoodlum since Cain up through Capone, you've learned to hide behind some quirk in the law. And mister, you are a two-bit hoodlum. You've fallen twice for ADW. Burglary, three times. Twice for forcible rape, I tagged you for those. And now you've graduated. You've moved to the sewer, you're a child molester. And this isn't the first time, we've had you in here before. And mister, you were guilty then and you're guilty now. Now one last thing, you smart mouthed punk. If the department doesn't question the color of his skin, you damn well see that you don't.

== [[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)|1967 series]] ==

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep2|The Big Explosion]]'' [1.2] ===
:'''Donald Chapman''': How would I know, I hardly ever go in the closet.
:'''Friday''': Never mind the smart answers, Chapman, we can bust you right now for Receiving Stolen Property!
:'''Donald Chapman''': ''(certain Friday is bluffing)'' Then why don't you do it?
:'''Friday''': Just tell us what you did with those other four cases.
:'''Donald Chapman''': Maybe I'll change my mind.  You told me I don't have to talk to you.   Maybe I won't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;75%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Joe''': Now you listen to me, you wide-mouth punk, we've heard just about all we want from you.
:'''Donald Chapman''' ''[Nazi domestic terrorist]'': I know my rights. I know the law, too, you'll want to know a lot more. Motive for one thing.
:'''Joe''': Hate will do for a start, and try to put that walnut-sized brain of yours to work on this. You keep harping about minorities...
:'''Donald Chapman''' ''[Nazi domestic terrorist]'': That's right.
:'''Joe''': Well Mister, you're a psycho, and they're a minority, too.

=== ''[[w:The Interrogation|The Interrogation]]'' [1.4] ===
:'''Joe''': It's awkward having a policeman around the house. Friends drop in, a man with a badge answers the door, the temperature drops 20 degrees. You throw a party and that badge gets in the way. All of a sudden, there isn't a straight man in the crowd. Everybody's a comedian. 'Don't drink too much,' somebody says, 'or the man in the badge will run you in.' Or, 'How's it goin' Dick Tracy? How many jaywalkers did you pinch today?' And then there's always the one who wants to know how many apples you stole. All at once, you lost your first name. You're a cop, a flatfoot, a bull, a dick, John Law, you're the Fuzz, the heat, you're poison, you're trouble, you're bad news. They call you everything, but never a policeman. Maybe she's right. It's not much of a life unless you don't mind missing a Dodger game because the &quot;Hotshot phone&quot; rings. Not unless you like working Saturdays, Sundays, holidays at a job that doesn't pay overtime. Oh, the pay's adequate. You count your pennies, you could put your kid through college, but you better plan on seeing Europe on your television set. And then there's your first night on the beat. When you try to arrest a drunken prostitute in a Main Street bar and she rips your new uniform to shreds. You'll buy another one out of your own pocket. And you're going to rub elbows with all the elite: pimps, addicts, thieves, bums, winos, girls who can't keep an address and men who don't care. Liars, cheats, con men, the class of Skid Row. And the heartbreak: underfed kids, beaten kids, molested kids, lost kids, crying kids, homeless kids, hit-and-run kids, broken arm kids, broken leg kids, broken head kids, sick kids, dying kids, dead kids. The old people that nobody wants: the reliefers, the pensioners, the ones who walk the street cold and those who tried to keep warm and died in a three-dollar room with an unvented gas heater. You'll walk your beat and try to pick up the pieces. You have real adventure in your soul, Culver? You better have. Because you're going to do time in a prowl car. Oh, it's gonna be a thrill a minute when you get and &quot;unknown trouble&quot; and hit a backyard at two in the morning, never knowing who you'll meet: a kid with a knife, a pillhead with a gun or two ex-cons with nothing to lose. And you're going to have plenty of time to think. You'll draw duty in a &quot;Lonely Car&quot; with nobody to talk to but your radio. Four years in uniform, you'll have the ability, the experience and maybe the desire to be a detective. If you like to fly by the seat of your pants, this is where you belong. For every crime that's committed, you've got three million suspects to choose from. Most of the time, you'll have few facts and a lot of hunches. You'll run down leads that dead-end on you. You'll work all-night stakeouts that could last a week. You'll do legwork until you're sure you've talked to everyone in the state of California. People who saw it happen, but really didn't. People who insist they did it, but really didn't. People who remember. Those who try to forget. Those who tell the truth. Those who lie. You'll run the files until your eyes ache. And paperwork? You'll fill out a report when you're right, you'll fill out a report when you're wrong, you'll fill one out when you're not sure, you'll fill one out listing your leads, you'll fill one out when you have no leads, you'll make out a report on the reports you've made. You'll write enough words in your lifetime to stock a library. You'll learn to live with doubt, anxiety, frustration. Court decision that tend to hinder, rather than help you: Dorado, Morse, Escobedo, Cahan. You'll learn to live with the district attorney, testifying in court, defense attorneys, prosecuting attorneys, judges, juries, witnesses. And sometimes, you're not going be happy with the outcome. Maybe your girlfriend's right, Culver. But there's also this: there are over 5,000 men in this city who know that being a policeman is an endless, glamourless, thankless job that's gotta be done. I know it, too, and I'm damn glad to be one of them.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep7|The Hammer]]'' [1.7] ===
:'''Camille''': You got nice eyes...for a cop. ''[She then blows cigarette smoke in Joe's face]''
:'''Joe''': And I bet your mother had a loud bark.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep12|The Hit and Run Driver]]'' [1.12] ===
:'''Clayton Fillmore''': How much longer is this going to take, Paul?
:'''Lawyer''': We should have you out on bail in time for lunch.
:'''Clayton Fillmore''': Fine. Alright, Sgt. Friday, lead the way. Don't look so hangdog. How old did you say those two were that you say I hit?
:'''Joe''': The woman was 67; the man was 73.
:'''Clayton Fillmore''': Well, I'm sorry, but it isn't as if they were going to live much longer, anyway. Isn't that right?
:'''Lawyer''': I'd suggest that you don't say anything more, Clay.
:'''Clayton Fillmore''': But it's true. I am sorry.
:'''Joe''': Yeah, well sorry won't bring them back, Fillmore.
:'''Clayton Fillmore''': ''[sarcastically]'' The dedicated cop.
:'''Lawyer''': Now you have a right to remain silent, Clay. I advise you to do so.
:'''Joe''': There's no rule against him listening, is there?
:'''Lawyer''': Depends on what you say to him, sergeant.
:'''Joe''': Yeah, well, I'll try to be careful. Fillmore, maybe as far as you're concerned, those two people lived all the life you figure they should. But what gives you the right to end it for them? It really doesn't bother you, does it? You were in a 30 mile zone, you were doing 50, maybe 55 miles an hour. Those two people you hit were knocked 77 feet, six inches down the street from the point of impact. We believe you'd been drinking this time, too. This isn't the first time for you. You got a drunk driving record that goes back to your high school days. Every time, you've beaten it, haven't you? Down the hall there is traffic enforcement division. We've got good laws and they try and enforce them, but they have an impossible job. There are 130 miles of freeway in this city, better than six thousand miles of surface streets. Every ten minutes, there's an accident; every ten minutes, somebody like you tries to kill himself or somebody else. You blew 20 minutes of that time all by yourself. Mister, you killed two human beings; two people who were alive and breathing seconds before you ran 'em down, and you've got the monumental gall to stand here and say they wouldn't have lived much longer. You may be out on bail in a couple of hours, and if so, you take this to lunch with you. Two people are lying over there in the county morgue, and you put 'em there. You were in a hurry the night you killed 'em, you're in a hurry now to see how fast you can forget. I want to wish you a lot of luck. I hope it takes the rest of your life.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep15|The Big Gun]]'' [1.15] ===
:''[While investigating the murder of a Japanese widow]''
:'''Captain Hugh Brown''': You sure about the general location of that Watanabe woman.
:'''Joe''': Mrs. Pound says she lives somewhere near Little Tokyo.
:'''Captain Brown''': If she does, she's wrapped up tighter than a fortune cookie, because we can't find her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;75%&quot;/&gt;


:'''Agatha Edney''': ''(clutching a Bible)'' It was ''His'' will and His will must be obeyed!
:'''Friday''': How long has Yoder lived here?
:'''Agatha Edney''': Three months now.
:'''Friday''': Why didn't you tell me before he lived here?
:'''Agatha Edney''': Ben Roy is my sister's boy, he is fighting the Devil, he is on parole.  He said he is always under suspicion by the police so he hid, to keep fighting the Devil.
:'''Friday''': Kind of looks like he lost, doesn't it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;75%&quot;/&gt;

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep20|The Badge Racket]]'' [2.3] ===
:'''Police detective''': I hope we didn't burn anything, Joe.
:'''Bill''': No, this was the end of the line, Danny.
:'''Police detective''': You and Gannon must have something the rest of us don't.
:'''Bill''': How do you mean?
:'''Police detective''': You make your cases right in the building, now?
:'''Joe''': No, these two just made a simple mistake.
:'''Police detective''': What's that?
:'''Joe''': They thought they worked here.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep21|The Bank Jobs]]'' [2.4] ===
:'''Bank robber''': Imagine a stinking broad wiping up the sidewalk with you. That dame's as strong as an ox.
:'''Joe''': Sure, she must weigh at least 120 pounds.
:'''Bank robber''': What is she, a lady wrestler?
:'''Joe''': Linebacker for the Cleveland Browns.

=== ''[[w:The Big High|The Big High]]'' [2.8] ===
BILL GANNON'S SECRET BARBECUE SAUCE
*Chill a good-sized bowl
*Put one quart of ketchup into the bowl and mix
*Add one can of red peppers
*Add one can of hot mustard
*Add one quart of vinegar
*Add one pound of peeled and chopped red peppers
*Add one small jar of oregano
*Add four of five good-sized cloves of garlic
*Mix together with an electric mixer
*Add five chopped Bermuda onions as you mix
*Add one quart vanilla ice cream

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep26|The Big Ad]]'' [2.9] ===
:'''Harvey Forrester''': Lousy, sloppy drunk.
:'''Joe''': Don't knock her, Forrester, she had a good reason to drink.
:'''Harvey Forrester''': And what's that?
:'''Joe''': Being married to you.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep27|The Missing Realtor]]'' [2.10] ===
:'''Esther Jenkins''': I always carry them (credit cards) with me.
:'''Carl Keegan''': I hope you're not accusing me of taking them.
:'''Joe''': Well, now maybe your name's Esther Jenkins. That's what it says on these credit cards.
:'''Carl Keegan''': You can't do a thing until I talk to my attorney.
:'''Joe''': (Showing her the credit cards) Mrs. Jenkins? 
:'''Esther Jenkins''': Yes, those are mine alright.
:'''Bill''': (to Keegan) Alright, put your hands behind your back.
:'''Carl Keegan''': Just a minute. Who do you think you're pushing around?
:'''Joe''': We're not pushing you around, but since you don't seem to know, I'll tell you what your name is. It's Carl Keegan. You killed a realtor by the name of Lily Burnham. Just like you would have this woman (Jenkins) if she'd found out you stole these cards.
:'''Carl Keegan''': You can't prove any of that.
:'''Joe''': Well, we're gonna try.
:'''Carl Keegan''': You made a mistake, and I'm not going to pay for it.
:'''Joe''': You gonna use a credit card?

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep35|The Big Prophet]]'' [2.18] ===
:'''Friday''' ''[to a drug dealer who is trying to pass drugs off as similar in effect to alcohol]'': I'll tell you what I know. I know in fact too many kids that begin with pot end up in heroin, then onto LSD. I know if you drink you suffer a loss of judgment if you drink to excess, but I also know that judgment returns when you sober up. I know, and so do you, that when you flip out on an acid trip you never know when you're gonna slip out again. This is now, Bentley, not a couple of years ago. We've had time now to see and study the effects of LSD. People who haven't had a dose in weeks sail out on another trip, they never know when. The minute they've dropped one acid capsule or ingested it in any way, they bought the farm. They've lost the chance to depend on or even restore that most precious of all inner senses, judgment. And in my way of thinking, without judgment you might as well be dead. Your brain is, so why not the rest of you? 
:'''Bentley, the drug dealer''': We were talking about marijuana.
:'''Friday''': We still are; marijuana is the flame, heroin is the fuse, LSD is the bomb. So don't you try to equate liquor with marijuana, mister, not with me. You may sell that jazz to another pothead but not to somebody who spends most of their time holding some sick kid's head while he vomits and retches sitting on a curb stone at four o'clock in the morning. And when his knees get enough starch back in them so he can stand up and empty his pockets, you can bet he'll turn out a stick or two of marijuana. And you can double your money that he'll be holding a sugar cube or a cap or two. So don't you con me with your mind expansion slop, I deal with kids every day. I try to clean up the mess people like you make out of them. I'm the expert here. You're not.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep70|Juvenile (DR-35)]]'' [3.25] ===
:'''Fat Donna''': ''[After abandoning her newborn in a trash can]'' What's going to happen to me? 
:'''Joe''': That's up to the court, and your conscience. Or did you throw that away too, while you were at it.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep77|Burglary – Mister]]'' [4.5] ===
''[The interrogation of Mr. Daniel Lumis, who digs himself in ever deeper]''
:'''Bill''': Now you're sure you understand your rights?
:'''Lumis''': How many times do you intend to ask me that stupid question?
:'''Joe''': As often as it takes to get an answer.
:'''Lumis''': I have very patiently explained to you gentlemen that I am well aware of my rights to counsel, to remain silent, etc. I also tried to make you understand I consider those rights safeguards for criminals, not for innocent men such as myself. I have nothing to fear from the truth. In my particular case, gentlemen, truth is the best defense. Now then, you have questions to ask me. You DO have questions to ask me, haven't you?
:'''Joe''': That's right, we do, Lumis.
:'''Lumis''': That's Mr. Lumis, Sergeant. Considering the extent to which I'm willing to go to be cooperative, I don't think a little respect, a little common courtesy is too much to expect from a public servant.
:'''Joe''': Alright you, now let's go way back. You want to explain? You try explaining why you copped your mother's funeral money.
:'''Lumis''': My mother's funeral money. It does sound a bit callous, doesn't it?
:'''Bill''': Just a little around the edges.
:'''Lumis''': Well things often do until you know all the facts. I took that money because it was the only way I could make certain of getting something out of the estate. Now brother Charlie was mother's pet, and I had reason to suspect she had written me out of the will. I wasn't guessing gentlemen; she told me a week before she died that she had written me out. What would you have done? I can assure you that my mother's passing over to the other side brought my dear brother far more than the $950 I managed to salvage.
:'''Bill''': You want to tell us about a Mrs. Lumis in Findlay, Ohio.
:'''Lumis''': Oh, sweet girl. I only left her because she became pregnant. It wasn't in our plans.
:'''Joe''': In your plans?
:'''Lumis''': Well, I couldn't afford it. She would have had to stop working, and I simply wasn't up to that sort of financial responsibility. Officer Gannon, I sympathize with your displeasure, and I don't claim to be a saint, but then a saint doesn't have to worry about trying to support a family he can't afford, does he?
:'''Joe''': I suppose you have an excuse for forgery?
:'''Lumis''': You can choose to call it an excuse if you wish. I prefer to say I had my reasons.
:'''Joe''': Such as?
:'''Lumis''': A combination: One, I am cursed with a taste, make that an appetite for the finer things in life. I enjoy French cuisine, and I dare boast I can read a wine list the way most people read the alphabet. Unfortunately, I haven't the knack for earning great sums of money. You know, its the misery of this century that so few of the people who have the fortunes have the taste and genius to know how to appreciate the things money can buy. I don't deny I passed bad checks, but in my defense, I had the very best of reasons. I can assure you that none of those ill-gotten dollars were wasted on the necessities of life. They were spent only on the luxuries.
:'''Bill''': Why'd you marry a second time without getting a divorce from your first wife?
:'''Lumis''': Divorce is the business of lawyers. It's an expensive nuisance for the rest of us. See, Janice was terribly anxious to get married. Now I ask you: If marrying me can make Janice happy, then getting a divorce could only make Maxine unhappy. Could I take a more honorable course than the one I took?
:'''Bill''': What about Doris Tucker?
:'''Lumis''': Oh, I still plan to marry Doris Tucker. As a matter of fact, we have a date tonight, and I can still make it if you haven't too many more questions.
:'''Bill''': What about the honeymoon fund?
:'''Lumis''': What about it?
:'''Bill''': You didn't plan to put it in your pocket?
:'''Lumis''': Oh, I didn't say that, I said I intended to marry Doris Tucker. I don't plan to grow old with her. You saw her: a terribly dull, unattractive girl. Sweet in her way, but hardly anyone's romantic daydream. It would make her happy to marry me and go through life known as Doris Lumis, the woman whose husband once disappeared, rather than Doris Tucker, the girl who wasn't even asked. Now for that favor, and for having dated her these past couple of months, I don't think the honeymoon fund is an unreasonable compensation.
:'''Joe''': All right Lumis, I have just one more question for you.
:'''Lumis''': Well, I think I can guess what it is, but you ask it.
:'''Joe''': This morning, a blind old lady had her house cleaned out. Now would you know anything about that?
:'''Lumis''': Obviously, I did it. Again, to the undiscerning, a clear-cut case of arch-villainy. I called up a moving van, told them my old aunt had passed on, that the family had decided to put her things in storage. They did a good fast job. Of course, there wasn't that much. It's a small house. I sat with Granny in the backyard. They finished that job in less than an hour. I do admire efficiency.
:'''Bill''': What did you plan to do with her things?
:'''Lumis''': Pawn some, sell the rest at auction.
:'''Joe''': Why'd you do it?
:'''Lumis''': Well, I need the money. Besides, she's a nasty old woman, foul-mouthed and ugly. Anyway, her children would see to it that she didn't starve, she'd have a place to sleep. What more does the old crow need? It serves them right.
:'''Joe''': It serves who right, and for what?
:'''Lumis''': It serves them all right for asking Mr. Daniel Lumis to waste his time baby-sitting with the old witch.
:'''Bill''': One last question. 
:'''Lumis''': Yes.
:'''Bill''': What's this thing you have about being called &quot;Mister&quot;?
:'''Lumis''': This thing, as you put it, is simple enough to explain. When I was in the Navy, I was an ordinary seaman, and it galled me that I had to call illiterates, who weren't worth a fraction of my value, &quot;Mister&quot;, simply because they had the connections and family influence to become officers. Well, I made a vow then and there, that in civilian life, I would always be called &quot;Mister.&quot;
:'''Joe''': Well now, it's going to be a little rough on you from here on in, isn't it?
:'''Lumis''': How's that, Friday?
:'''Joe''': Well, where you're headed, there are no &quot;Mister's.&quot;
:'''Lumis''': That's so?
:'''Joe''': Just numbers.

=== ''[[w:List of Dragnet episodes (1967 series)#ep89|A.I.D. – The Weekend]]'' [4.17] ===
BILL GANNON'S GARLIC NUT BUTTER SANDWICH
*Spread cream cheese on one slice of pumpernickel
*Spread peanut butter on another slice of pumpernickel
*Crush a clove of garlic and let the juices drip onto the cream cheese
*Place the pumpernickel slice with peanut butter on top of the slice with cream cheese and serve

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Dragnet (series)}}

[[Category:Radio shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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[[Category:Syndicated shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
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'''''[[w:Drew Carey's Green Screen Show|Drew Carey's Green Screen Show]]''''' is an [[w:improvisational comedy|improvisational comedy]] show that aired on the WB Network in 2005 (and later Comedy Central), and was somewhat of a follow-up to [[Drew Carey]]'s former show, ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' The show's performers (including Drew) do all their improv in front of a green screen, and then the footage is sent to animators who add animation in so that the people at home see the finished product, whereas the live audience at the tapings only see the green screen.  Music and sound effects (except during the game &quot;Sound Effects&quot;) are also inserted in post-production.

Games played were similar to ''Whose Line?'' but with obvious differences, and no musical games were performed.  Performers in addition to Carey include [[w:Brad Sherwood|Brad Sherwood]], [[w:Colin Mochrie|Colin Mochrie]], [[w:Jeff Davis|Jeff Davis]], and [[w:Greg Proops|Greg Proops]] as regulars, and rotating performers include [[w:Kathy Kinney|Kathy Kinney]], [[w:Chip Esten|Chip Esten]], Julie Larson, Sean Masterson, and [[w:Jonathan Mangum|Jonathan Mangum]].  [[w:Ryan Stiles|Ryan Stiles]] appeared at the taping for the pilot (with Kaitlyn Olson) but not the series.

{{tv-stub}}
==Hollywood Moment==
===Toaster===
:''&lt;Scenery is a modern kitchen in monochrome.&gt;''
:'''Drew''': Marjorie!
:'''Julie''': Yes, Dale?
:'''Drew''': Where's my breakfast?
:'''Julie''': I don't know what kind of toast you want.
:'''Drew''': I have to get to work. You know I work ten hours a day at the company, and look at this place, it's a mess! My breakfast isn't on the table...
:'''Julie''': You are like a broken record, not a top ten hit either!
:'''Drew''': Ah, I know you love me! ''&lt;puts his hands on Julie's shoulders&gt;'' I know you love me by the fire in your eyes...
:'''Jeff''': '''Hollywood Moment!'''
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;exaggerating&gt;'' The FIRE in your eyes, your body so tender and waaaarm! I just wish I wasn't mentally ill!
:''&lt;Orchestral sting. Scenery changes to a mental institution in color with a blue-tint.&gt;''
:'''Julie''': ...As do I. ''&lt;Pause as audience laugh. Julie walks over to the oven&gt;'' Let me finish your eggs, I'll bring them right over...
:'''Jeff''': '''Hollywood Egg Moment!'''
:''&lt;scenery changes to another modern kitchen in full color.&gt;''
:'''Julie''': ''&lt;Tearfully&gt;'' The last time you held me... was at least six months ago!
:'''Drew''': That was the last time you were worth holding! ''&lt;Orchestral sting. Some audience members boo.&gt;''
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;Enters&gt;'' Excuse me for barging in...
:'''Jeff''': '''Hollywood Moment!''' ''&lt;Audience laughs.&gt;''
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;English accent&gt;'' I'm a wandering toaster.. fixer-upper. ''&lt;Scenery changes to a 1920s London street in sepia tone. A light shines on Colin's head&gt;'' London, 1925, my parents died three weeks before I was born. ''&lt;pause as audience laugh&gt;'' Getting work pre-natally was very difficult. I didn't know where to turn, so I started to drink. I love toasters. Don't know why, never seen them before. Perhaps that's because that's how my parents died, they fell into the World's Largest Toaster at the London's Fair! ''&lt;Orchestral sting. Drew and Julie act shocked&gt;'' THEY HAD IMMEDIATELY...... Pff.. I have to go! ''&lt;Turns to leave before being stopped by Julie. Drew pours himself a coffee&gt;''
:'''Julie''': Wait! Before you go... here's a knife. ''&lt;Hands a knife to Colin&gt;'' Fix our toaster.
:'''Colin''': Yes, all right.
:'''Julie''': I think it's unplugged.
:'''Colin''': No, I like it better plugged in...
:'''Jeff''': '''Hollywood Moment!'''
:'''Colin''': ...because I like the danger! ''&lt;Scenery changes to a grimy basement in full color.&gt;'' I don't care! ''&lt;accidentally slashes his own wrist!&gt;'' Ooh, that hurt! I didn't want... I meant to miss! ''&lt;Julie ties a bandage round Colin's wrist. Colin looks at Julie&gt;'' My God, you're beautiful! What are you doing with that lummox?
:'''Jeff''': '''All three people, Hollywood Moment!'''
:''&lt;Scenery changes to a medieval castle room with fireplace in color with a blue-tint.&gt;''
:'''Drew''': WHY!? ''&lt;Throws hot coffee onto Julie&gt;''
:'''Julie''': AAAH! ''&lt;Dies.&gt;''
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;In shock&gt;'' Why...? The only woman I ever loved! ''&lt;Cuts himself open with the knife, reveals his upper body organs, takes out his intestine, plays jump-rope with them, puts them back in, sews himself up and shakes an intestine angrily at Drew.&gt;''
:'''Drew''': I know you're cut open, I know my wife is dead, but what about my toaster?
:'''Colin''': You ARE the toaster!
:'''Drew''': [[w:I Am the Walrus|Go-go-ga-joob!]]
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;Enters, carrying a scythe.&gt;'' I am Death. I have come for... two of you. ''&lt;Points at Julie&gt;'' One... I know I'm taking that one. ''&lt;Drew and Colin start stretching and dancing. Julie gets up and hovers behind Brad like a zombie&gt;'' I'm going to see which one of you is worth sparing!
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;Doing star jumps&gt;'' Oh, I've got my whole life ahead of me. Look how young I am... comparatively!
:'''Brad''': Give me a reason why you should live. First, you with the [[w:Menudo (band)|Menudo]] hair! ''&lt;Audience laughs and applauds&gt;''
:'''Drew''': Well, it's like this... Sometimes, I'm mentally ill...
:'''Jeff''': '''Hollywood Moment!'''
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;Leans on Brad&gt;'' And I live my life with Beatles songs in the background...
:'''Brad''': Let go of the Reaper! ''&lt;pulls himself away from Drew&gt;''
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;exaggerating&gt;'' And... I... LOVE my family! I love my house! I love... ''&lt;wheeze&gt;'' my... ''&lt;pant, wheeze&gt;'' life. ''&lt;Cough. Orchestral sting.&gt;''
:'''Colin''': Oh for God's sake, kill him! ''&lt;audience laughs&gt;''
:'''Brad''': This is going to be easier than I thought! All right...
:'''Jeff''': '''For Death, a Broadway Moment!'''
:''&lt;Broadway-style music starts. Scenery changes to a Broadway-style stage in color with a pink-tint. Drew, Julie and Colin dance like zombies in the background.&gt;''
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;singing, while dancing&gt;'' I've got to take a couple of souls,
: I've got to take a couple of souls
: I gotta take a couple of soouls! ''&lt;music increases tempo&gt;''
: I gotta take a couple souls, take a couple souls
: Take a couple souls, I lose control!
: I gotta taaaaake a... ''&lt;Stops singing and exits&gt;''
: ''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

==One-Syllable Word==
===Boot Camp===
:'''Colin''': I will make you a man!
:'''Brad''': Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
:'''Colin''': Give me ten! Twice! ''&lt;audience cracks up&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Sir, yes sir! I would, sir, but I have a bad leg, sir!
:'''Colin''': What is your name?
:'''Brad''': My name is...Tim...Franks!
:'''Colin''': Ain't that nice? You are going to be a man...
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Colin exits as Jeff enters&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': What rank are you?
:'''Brad''': First class...
:'''Jeff''': First class what?
:'''Brad''': First class...PFC!
:''&lt;audience laughs while Drew laughs even more hysterically&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': And what does that stand for?
:'''Brad''': I'm not sure, sir! I don't know! I did not read the book, sir! I'm not too smart, sir!
:'''Jeff''': You did not read the book? Why do you think we gave you the book if you were not going to read it?
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Jeff realizes what he did and walks off as Brad starts to say, &quot;If I could read...&quot;, Greg walks in&gt;''
:'''Greg''': What state are you from?
:'''Brad''': Maine, sir!
:'''Greg''': Maine?!
:'''Brad''': Maine, sir!
:'''Greg''': Two things come from Maine!
:'''Brad''': What, sir?
:'''Greg''': Ducks and cows!  Drop!
:''&lt;Brad promptly drops to the floor&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Yes, sir!
:'''Greg''': Do many...aaah!
:''&lt;audiences imitates buzzer, Greg walks off very slowly as Drew walks on; meanwhile, Brad is doing push-ups&gt;''
:'''Brad''':  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.  Six.  ''&lt;jumps up&gt;'' I'm done, sir!
:'''Drew''': Did I say you were done?  Are you tired yet?
:'''Brad''': I'm tired, sir!
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Drew turns in shock, audience explains the word &quot;tired,&quot; Drew walks off in disgust as Sean enters and audience cracks up at Drew's reaction to why he got buzzed out&gt;''
:'''Sean''': Stand on one leg! ''&lt;Brad stands on one leg&gt;''  Look to the sky!
:''&lt;Brad looks up&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Yes, sir! I look to the sky, sir! What should I see in the sky, sir?
:'''Sean''': Can you see a bird?
:'''Brad''': I see a bird, sir!
:'''Sean''': Can you see a plane?
:'''Brad''': I see a plane, sir! Is tired really a two-syllable word, sir?
:''&lt;audience laughs before imitating buzzer, Brad walks off as Jonathan enters&gt;''
:'''Jonathan''': I go in tank now, sir! ''&lt;hops in tank&gt;''
:'''Sean''': Come back here!
:'''Jonathan''': You want...ride?
:'''Sean''': Did you hit your head hard?
:'''Jonathan''': Yep! ''&lt;exits tank&gt;''  Look, sir.  I need some love!
:'''Sean''': ''&lt;in shock&gt;'' Are you a machine?!
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Drew reacts, Sean and Jonathan walk off camera as Drew walks back on to end the game&gt;''

===Dentist===
:'''Jeff''': Says here you chipped your tooth.
:'''Greg''': Yes, it hurts.  Can you help me?
:'''Jeff''': What seems to be the deal?
:'''Greg''': I need you to take this tooth out.
:'''Jeff''': Which one?
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;points to tooth&gt;'' This one.
:'''Jeff''': What do you call it?
:'''Greg''': Front tooth.  Front tooth, down.
:'''Jeff''': I can tell that's your front tooth but I need you to sit down in that chair right there.
:'''Greg''': Okay.
:'''Jeff''': Just sit back...''&lt;cracks up with audience as they imitate buzzer, Greg starts to walk off as Chip enters.&gt;''
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;sarcastically&gt;'' Okay!
:'''Chip''': Aye!
:'''Jeff''': Just sit back and take it nice and slow!
:'''Chip''': Are you the doc?
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;grabs dental item&gt;'' Can't you tell?
:'''Chip''': Why no nurse?
:'''Jeff''': My nurse died three weeks ago.
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Jeff leaves as Colin enters&gt;''
:'''Chip''': That's sad!
:'''Colin''': Do you want no pain?
:'''Chip''': Yes. No pain, please.
:'''Colin''': I can do that. ''&lt;grabs hammer&gt;''
:'''Chip''': Do some guys want pain?
:'''Colin''': Some. It's very odd when they do.
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Colin leaves as Sean enters&gt;''
:'''Chip''': Tell me about guys who want pain.
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Chip runs off stage almost immediately, Drew enters&gt;''
:'''Drew''': Do you want me to put thing in mouth?
:'''Sean''': Yes. ''&lt;begins to put items he's holding inside Drew's mouth&gt;'' Be calm.  Open wide...
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Sean leaves as Julie enters, Julie begins to put a knife and fork in Drew's mouth&gt;''
:'''Julie''': Let's see.  It's big.  ''&lt;takes items out of Drew's mouth&gt;''
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;pause&gt;'' Yes, it is.  Not too big, though.
:''&lt;Drew winks his eye, which catches everybody else off guard and they all crack up.&gt;''
:'''Julie''': It's pr...oh! 
:''&lt;NOTE: Julie was about to say &quot;pretty&quot; but caught herself in the act.  She leaves as Brad enters.&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Wait.  You've got lots of plaque.  You've got a dead root.  I must pull that tooth.
:'''Drew''': I thought you were done.
:'''Brad''': I was done, but I saw plaque.
:'''Drew''': A plaque attack.
:'''Brad''': Yes.
:''&lt;audience imitates buzzer, Drew leaves as Jeff enters&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': What do you do now?
:'''Brad''': I clean your tooth.  I scrape your plaque.  I buff your tongue.
:'''Jeff''': What if I say I don't want you to? What if I say I want to leave right now? What if I say I don't like the way you look?
:'''Brad''': I am a D.D.S.!
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

==Sentences==
===Zeppelin===
:'''Julie''': Thank you for coming, Carl.
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;in German accent&gt;'' Is this your first ride on a zeppelin?
:'''Julie''': It is.
:'''Drew''': Beautiful, is it not?  Every time I see this scenery, you know what I think? I think...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...what planet are you from?  You amaze me with your stupidity!
:'''Julie''': Oh, look! A flock of geese, flying straight south.
:'''Drew''': Turn around! The window is behind you!
:'''Julie''': What a lovely picture! ''&lt;turns towards Drew&gt;'' My mother told me about men like you.
:'''Drew''': What did she say?
:'''Julie''': She said...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...the game isn't over until the fat lady sings.
:'''Drew''': Oh. Let me put on a wig and warm up! ''&lt;sings syllables in the key of D twice&gt;''
:'''Julie''': Look, I didn't just want a zeppelin ride.  I wanted to talk to you.
:'''Drew''': Really?
:'''Julie''': There's someone I want you to kill for me.
:'''Drew''': The last time I killed someone, it was horrible!
:'''Julie''': What happened?
:'''Drew''': They looked up at me as they died and with their DYING BREATH, they said...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...your hair looks nice today!
:'''Julie''': That must've been a while ago.
:'''Drew''': Oh, yes, it was...
:''&lt;The zeppelin is hit by something and starts to shake.&gt;''
:'''Julie''': What happened? Oh my goodness!
:'''Drew''': Oh! &quot;Shake, shake, shake.&quot;
:'''Julie''': Oh my goodness!
:'''Drew''': We must've hit something!
:'''Julie''': We're going down!
:'''Drew''': No! I don't want to go down in a zeppelin! That is the worst place! ''&lt;looks at Julie intently&gt;'' Oh, your eyes!
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;enters as crew member&gt;'' Remain calm! Remain calm, everyone! Those bumps! Remain calm! ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' I am a real blunt! ''&lt;leaves&gt;''
:'''Drew''': What is that supposed to mean, b****? You come right back here and say it to my face! ''&lt;pretends to take off earrings, walks back over to Julie&gt;'' Let's see. If I was going to tell you I loved you, how would I put it?  Let me put it in a poem.  The first line of the poem is this...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...my mind's a blank.  ''&lt;pause&gt;''  My mind is a blank, yet I still go to the bank.  Imagine what a stank that is!
:'''Julie''': No one has ever talked so beautifully to me before.
:'''Drew''': Yeah, I'll bet.  Tell me about it!
:'''Julie''': Let me tell you something, my friend.
:'''Drew''': Yes?
:'''Julie''': It's not that serious. ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' What happened to gay goats?
:''&lt;Jeff enters as a German soldier pointing a pistol at Drew&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': I'll tell you what happened to Gaygoats! General Gaygoats was murdered! ''&lt;eyes Drew&gt;'' Oh my goodness, gracious!  YOU killed General Gaygoats, Carl! We've been following you!
:'''Drew''': I did nothing to General Gaygoats!
:'''Jeff''': Let me see your papers! ''&lt;Drew hands him the papers, then reaches for the sky&gt;'' Let me read what's on your papers and your passport! ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' What's that in your pants?! Never mind the papers! What's under your pants?
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;off camera as a P.A. system announcer, but camera switches on him on the last word&gt;'' Attention!  Attention!  Land that zeppelin immediately!
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;to Greg&gt;'' We will! We have found the murderer of General Gaygoats! ''&lt;to Drew, who has his hands up again&gt;'' Freeze it right there, Carl! You are under arrest! And by the power given to me by the ruler himself,...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...the domain server took a dump! ''&lt;starts becoming emotional&gt;'' Gaygoats is dead! The domain server is dumping all over the place!
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;off camera&gt;'' Not so fast!
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;in shock&gt;'' General Gaygoats!
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;now on camera&gt;'' You thought I was dead but I am not!
:'''Drew''': The last time I saw you, I said...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...&quot;can I use your toenail clippers?&quot;
:'''Jeff''': And then you tried to kill him with them! You're still under arrest, Carl, for the attempted murder of Gaygoats!
:'''Julie''': ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' '''''MY DOCTOR WON'T LIKE THAT!!!'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;pause, turns to Brad&gt;'' I got no response to that! You?
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;hands Jeff sentence&gt;'' Maybe you have a response.
:'''Jeff''': I do have a response. ''&lt;reads sentence&gt;'' You just searched my glove compartment!
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

===Western shootout===
:''&lt;NOTE: The first line suggested by the audience was &quot;You shot me in the heart.&quot;  Greg and Drew walk through the saloon doors to start the scene.&gt;''
:'''Drew''': I didn't think I'd see you here at the world's tiniest saloon!
:'''Greg''': I didn't think you'd say the first line they gave you either! ''&lt;audience laughs hysterically because Drew didn't say the first line&gt;''
:'''Drew''': The two tiny doors threw me off! 5 years ago, you shot me in the heart!
:'''Greg''': And I'll shoot you in the heart again if I get a chance, Licorice Kid!
:'''Drew''': You know what my doctor said when he saw my wound?
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' My hemorrhoids are flared up again!
:'''Greg''': You concerned varmint! That's what you said the day I shot you in the heart! I'm gonna shoot you again because I swore an oath that last time.  I looked up at the heavens and I said,...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...&quot;you're looking hell-a-fine.&quot; That's right.
:'''Drew''': I can't help it if I look better than you.  There's got to be other people looking better than you in the world.  You might as well get used to it.  You and your shiny teeth and your big hat and your tight chaps.
:'''Greg''': While you're standing there with your big hat and your little gun...
:'''Drew''': Little vanilla!
:'''Greg''': I've had enough of your harassment! Why, this is what I've got to say to you, partner,...&lt;pulls out sentence but cracks up as he reads it&gt;...&quot;I love you more than all the stars in the sky!&quot; ''&lt;audience laughs hysterically&gt;''
:'''Drew''': I think them's fighting words!
:'''Greg''': Fighting words?! I'll give you fighting words!
:'''Drew''': Yeah?
:'''Greg''': These are fighting words! ''&lt;pulls out sentences&gt;''
:'''Drew''': What?
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;reads sentence&gt;'' Have I seen you here before? They're not very aggressive fighting words! 
:'''Drew''': Yeah?
:'''Greg''': Here's fighting words!
:'''Drew''': What other day did you see me here before?
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;reads sentence&gt;'' That's the best massage I ever had!
:'''Drew''': OH YEAH?! OH YEAH?! I'LL SEE YOU OUT IN THE STREET!
:'''Greg''': Oh, will you! Come on!
:''&lt;scene changes to outside saloon in street as townspeople run away except one child&gt;''
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;as woman, runs across stage and grabs child&gt;'' There's going to be a gunfight! Come on, Billy!
:''&lt;audience laughs and applauds&gt;''
:'''Greg''': You know, that widow woman gets uglier every time she runs by!
:'''Drew''': I don't think she's a real widow. I think her husband done run off.
:'''Greg''': Do you?
:'''Drew''': You know what he said to her when he left her?
:'''Greg''': What?
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;'' How can I miss you if you won't go away?
:'''Greg''': Well, that seems right likely!
:'''Drew''': Before I kill you, I want to apologize for what I did to you five years before you shot me in the heart.
:'''Greg''': Apologize? I didn't think you remembered!
:'''Drew''': I wouldn't consider myself a man if I didn't apologize before I killed you.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I walked up to your grandmother, held her close, and said,...''&lt;pulls out sentence&gt;''...&quot;Does something smell?&quot;  I don't know what I was thinking!  I'm still steaming over that one!
:''&lt;Brad re-enters, this time as the Sheriff&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Howdy, boys! I'm the Sheriff!
:'''Greg''': Sheriff! I didn't expect to see you here!
:'''Drew''': Best place for you, Sheriff!
:'''Brad''': The people in town said you've been lollygagging with your gunfight. They'd like to get back to walking through the streets.
:'''Greg''': Oh, would they, would they?
:'''Brad''': So if you all are planning on shooting each other, we'd...
:'''Drew''': Back to back! Let's get this over with!
:'''Greg''': All right!
:''&lt;Greg and Drew put their backs against one another&gt;''
:'''Greg''': You count it off!
:'''Drew''': Only shooting, right?  Here we go.  On the count of three.  One. ''&lt;both take step&gt;'' Two. ''&lt;both take step&gt;'' Three!
:''&lt;Greg and Drew turn around and shoot.  The result of the gunfire kills them and only hurts Brad.&gt;''
:'''Drew''': Oh! Conundrum Kid! You got me!
:'''Greg''': Licorice Kid!
:'''Drew''': Before I die, I just want to tell you,...''&lt;pulls out sentence as Brad limps off and a vulture comes down to look at Drew&gt;''...where are my car keys?
:''&lt;both die as the scene ends&gt;''

==Story==
===The Tale of Onion Sam===
:''&lt;Greg is acting as the pointer&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' Bigger than a potato, taller than a yam, who is it? It's...
:'''Chip''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' ...Onion Sam!
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' He don't care, he don't give a damn.
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' Who is it? It's Onion...
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;singing off-key&gt;'' ...SAM!
:'''Drew''': &quot;I'm Onion Sam!&quot; he cried as he burst through the doors of the cantina.
:'''Colin''': He had made a name for himself planting onion trees throughout the West.
:'''Brad''': Yes, he was the only one who figured out how to make onions grow on trees.
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;as Sam&gt;'' &quot;I'm tired of digging in the dirt to get my onions! I want to be able to reach out and pick 'em!&quot;
:'''Chip''': ''&lt;as Sam&gt;'' &quot;You ain't seen nothing like an onion orchard! It's got the most beautiful trees in the world! It'll be bring a tear to your eye for sure...&quot;
:'''Sean''': ''&lt;as Sam&gt;'' &quot;...sure, they're stinky trees, but they're beautiful, too!&quot;
:'''Julie''': Becky loved Onion Sam more than life itself.
:'''Jeff''': They were the best couple anyone in that town had ever seen, until a new stranger came into town, the...
:'''Colin''': ...French Fry Kid! He was trying a new side dish:
:'''Sean''': Mashed French Fries!
:'''Brad''': They realized their side dish of delicious Julienne Onions might be going the way of the Crocodile Toe!
:'''Drew''': Oh, they used to love Crocodile Toe in Arizona!
:'''Brad''': But now, no one even ordered it no...
:'''Colin''': ...more! Onion Sam thought, &quot;It's time to take this into my own hands! I  must make a way to make my onions...&quot;
:'''Chip''': &quot;...bigger! Stronger! I want onions as big as...&quot;
:'''Julie''': &quot;...your eye and then some!&quot; ''&lt;Audience, Colin and Chip laugh&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': He was, of course, talking to the person with the biggest eye in the world.
:'''Sean''': That was Becky, and whenever he talked to her, she would start crying.
:'''Drew''': Crying huge tears.
:'''Brad''': She had optic encephalitis, which means &quot;overly-swollen eyeballs the size of cantaloupes.&quot;
:'''Jeff''': French Fry Kid stepped through the door and strode, stridently.
:'''Chip''': ''&lt;as Sam&gt;'' &quot;What a strident stroder you are,&quot; he said to him.
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;as Becky&gt;'' &quot;Strodent, really.&quot;  Then Onion Sam said, &quot;Look, French Fry Kid.  Maybe we could work together and make a side dish...&quot;
:'''Sean''': All of a sudden, she came up with a great...
:'''Drew''': ...side dish that combined the two things together.
:'''Julie''': Potatoey-onioney-goodness!
:'''Colin''': Faster than a bunny with...
:'''Chip''': ...nothing on him at all, no clothes, or...
:'''Colin''': ...suit, or anything, Becky quickly got some oil,...
:'''Drew''': ...Put it in a big bowl,...
:'''Sean''': ...and fried up some onions...
:'''Jeff''': ...and some potatoes!
:'''Colin''': The aroma hit the townspeople! One by one, they ran into the...
:'''Sean''': ...store and said, &quot;What is that beautiful smell?&quot;
:'''Jeff''': ''&lt;as Sam&gt;'' &quot;It's potonions!&quot; ''&lt;pause as audience laughs hysterically with applause&gt;''
:'''Brad''': The sweet wafting aroma of potonion had hit that beautiful town!
:'''Chip''': Square bewteen Becky's big eyes! They joined hands and they...
:'''Colin''': ...sang an ode to onions and potatoes, and it went...
:'''Jeff''': ...a little something a-like this.
:'''Brad''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' When you're getting there sooner or later,...
:'''Sean''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' ...there's nothing more tastier than a potater!
:'''Drew''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' When you're feeling like you're tired of standing on your bunions,...
:'''Chip''': ''&lt;singing&gt;'' ...you gotta try our new potonions!
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

===The Man Who Stole Florida===
:''&lt;Drew is acting as the pointer&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Peter Peninsula stared at his map lovingly.  There was something he loved about the shape of that Southern state.
:'''Colin''': That and the fact he had a vitamin C deficency made him plan day and day out...
:'''Jeff''': ...to steal the entire state of Florida! But first, he'd have to find a place to put it.  He couldn't put it...
:'''Kathy''': ...in his backyard, because his backyard was too small.  So Peter thought...
:'''Greg''': ...&quot;Alabama! No one will look for Florida inside Alabama!&quot;
:'''Chip''': &quot;Peter! What are you doing down there?&quot; his mother yelled.
:'''Brad''': &quot;Oh, nothing!&quot; he said as he stood on the border of Florida and Alabama with a giant hacksaw, cutting, cutting, cutting slowly.
:'''Jeff''': It came off! But what he didn't expect was that Florida started to drift off into the ocean!
:'''Colin''': Luckily, he had a straw.
:'''Brad''': So he tried to use that to force water to bubble it back towards shore.
:'''Colin''': Nope, didn't work.
:'''Greg''': Florida found itself an island, out in the middle of the Caribbean.  The people liked it better.  They no longer had people from New Jersey coming down all the time!
:'''Chip''': And there was dancing and singing and Florida became the hottest island in the whole Caribbea...
:'''Kathy''': ...n. In fact, it became hotter than Cuba.
:'''Chip''': It became extra Cuba hot!
:'''Brad''': How could they keep the tourists coming to Cuba?
:'''Colin''': Castroland! An amazing amusement park with moustache roller coasters and...
:'''Jeff''': ...Che Guevara-themed mascots! Oh, people will thrill to come to our Communist...
:'''Greg''': ...wonderland, where they'll get to wear identical military uniforms and march together, and sit in...
:'''Kathy''': ...smoked cigars, and stuff like that!
:'''Chip''': Suddenly, the state police showed up.
:'''Brad''': That's right.  The Florida State Police, some of which had drowned during the horrible separation, but many had survived, and they came a-lookin'.
:'''Colin''': They found Peter still gleefully eating [[oranges]].
:'''Jeff''': All day long, he began to turn orange...
:'''Colin''': ...which isn't really that good a color on him.
:'''Brad''': That's because he was a spring. He needed lighter colors to accent his eyes.
:'''Chip''': Florida began to sink! Peter said, &quot;What have I done? What was I thinking to think this state could exist as an island? I must take this island back to...&quot;
:'''Jeff''': &quot;...the rest of the continental United States!&quot; So he put a big outboard motor to the bottom of Florida, and...
:'''Brad''': ...as it slowly started to sink, it turned more into an archipelago, actually...
:'''Greg''': ...which is a series of islands, for people who don't know what an archipelago is!
:'''Colin''': Like, who doesn't know that?
:'''Kathy''': So, Peter decided to whip that motor into a frenzy as he started to heave that whole archipe...
:'''Brad''': ...lago, towards its homeward desti...
:'''Kathy''': ...nation.  Just then, his mother found him, and she...
:'''Chip''': ...was angry!
:'''Jeff''': She admitted to Peter that she had been dating [[w: Fidel Castro|Fidel Castro]] since the 60s! She said, &quot;Honey, we're taking Florida...&quot;
:'''Greg''': &quot;...back where it belongs...&quot;
:'''Jeff''': &quot;...in the middle of the ocean next to Cuba!  They're going to combine Florida with Cuba and make a new super country called Flor...&quot;
:'''Brad''': &quot;...riduba! And Orlandavana will be its...&quot;
:'''Chip''': &quot;...capital.&quot; Unfortunately, they put it back backward...
:'''Colin''': ...s. So it became the opposite of what was said before.
:'''Jeff''': It seemed that every state in the Union wanted to separate and form its own island and scoot about with outboard motors across the ocean!
:'''Colin''': Peter sat there thinking, &quot;What have I done?&quot;
:'''Brad''': The moral of this story is...
:'''Kathy''': ...if you need orange juice...
:'''Greg''': ...why don't you just go down to the supermarket, instead of sawing off one of the most popular states in the Union?
:'''Brad''': When you turn a peninsula into an island, you're not going to have a merry isthmus!
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

===The Superb Ego===
:''&lt;Jeff is acting as the pointer&gt;''
:'''Greg''': Paul sat alone in his room, filled with pride in himself. He was practically bursting at the seams at the thought of his own exis...
:'''Chip''': ...tence. &quot;Me, me-me, me-me!&quot; He looked into the...
:'''Kathy''': ...mirror and said...
:'''Brad''': &quot;Me.&quot; He saw in the reflection of the mirror behind him a lot of mirrors reflecting the reflection of himself.
:'''Drew''': &lt;as Paul&gt; &quot;I'm in love a thousand times...
:'''Colin''': &lt;as Paul&gt; &quot;...with me!&quot;
:'''Greg''': But the king drift of Paul's giant...
:'''Chip''': ..ego and said &quot;I will not let this stand in my kingdom!&quot;
:'''Kathy''': And so he declared a day of com...
:'''Drew''': ...petition between Paul and everyone who...
:'''Colin''': ...had the first name &quot;Steve&quot;. Steves from all around the kingdom showed up at the competition.
:'''Brad''': And it was called &quot;The Festival of Steves Plus Paul&quot;.
:'''Greg''': Everyone gathered on the...
:'''Kathy''': ...mound of grass near the king's palace.
:'''Brad''': The Steves lined up for the big competition against...
:'''Greg''': ...Paul!
:'''Kathy''': ''&lt;as the princess&gt;'' &quot;Now the competition of scent! We need to smell...
:'''Drew''': &quot;...The Pits of Paul!&quot;
:'''Greg''': Yes, Paul's pits smelled like crushed fruit, dipped in honey and delivered by angels to a bed of...
:'''Brad''': ...roses. He knew the scent competition would be the last so he had kept crushed fruit and honey underneath his armpits.
:'''Greg''': Paul swelled with pride more than he...
:'''Colin''': ...usually did, and when you're swollen with pride, well... ''&lt;pauses&gt;'' Anyway... Later on that afternoon...
:'''Brad''': ...the entire competition just...
:'''Kathy''': ...came to a halt as all the bees in the kingdom flew to his armpits and began stinging him!
:'''Colin''': Once again he was swollen - not with pride, but with the... BEE VENOM! - coursing through his body like...
:'''Brad''': ...stuff that goes through your bloodstream!
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;as two birds&gt;'' &quot;Yes!&quot; ''&lt;cracks up&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Lucky for him the final competition was &quot;Who Had the Most Swollen...
:'''Colin''': &quot;...Armpits!&quot;
:'''Kathy''': It was Paul. Paul was swollen from head to...
:'''Chip''': Toe, but in walked Big Pit Steve, he had the largest, most-swollen...
:'''Greg''': ...pits in all of the kingdom.
:'''Drew''': Oh my God and they STANK TO HIGH...
:'''Greg''': ...heaven.
:'''Colin''': Then everything stopped. The king had an idea - &quot;I will hold a competition for the most humble!  See the twist!?&quot; The twist was...
:'''Chip''': ...that...
:'''Colin''': ...Paul had an ego, he couldn't be humble, but to win, he had to have... the most humbleness... of anyone! His mind couldn't take this...
:'''Kathy''': ...but...
:'''Colin''': ...it could in a way! He tried to be humble and said &quot;Oh, I...
:'''Brad''': &quot;...am the most...&quot;
:'''Colin''': &quot;...humble, I can't even be in the shadow of Steve, because... OH! OH, WHAT AM I SAYING!? I...&quot;
:'''Drew''': &quot;...GOING MAD...&quot;
:'''Colin''': &quot;...FEAR I GO MAD!&quot; Then his eyes...
:'''Drew''': ...exploded!
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;as two birds&gt;'' &quot;Owww!&quot; &quot;Th-that hurt!&quot;
:'''Brad''': Now Paul and all the Steves had...
:'''Drew''': ...no eyeballs!
:'''Brad''': All around them in all three rivers they stood, realizing they were now in a town that would some day be called... ''&lt;looks around before realizing he'd have to end the story himself&gt;'' [[w: Pittsburgh|Pittsburgh]]!
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

===Bertha and the Haunted Municipal Building===
:''&lt;Drew is acting as the pointer&gt;''
:'''Brad''': Billy and Jimmy broke the window on the basement window of the municipal building. ''&lt;Greg giggles&gt;''
:'''Colin''': Suddenly, they both stopped in mid-sentence, for there in front of them was a giant woman almost eight feet tall.
:'''Jonathan''': Seven and a half feet tall to be exact.  She was standing there with fire pouring from her eyes and...
:'''Brad''': ...blood dripping from her ears.  She was covered in seaweed, and had a deck of cards.
:'''Jeff''': It was Bertha, the file clerk who died there 25 years ago!
:'''Greg''': And there she was.  It was said that she walked those halls with her deck of cards every night.  And who...
:'''Jonathan''': ...came out of the deck of cards but the...
:'''Colin''': ...Jack of Spades!  He was a jolly fellow or so it seemed.  He made his way towards Jim and...
:'''Sean''': ...Billy.  And he said &quot;Hello boys!  Would you like a game of chance?&quot;
:'''Colin''': Just then, something so miraculous happened, that even as I talk about it, I still don't understand what it is.
:'''Brad''': One of the...
:'''Jeff''': ...kids came across an old file cabinet.  He opened it up and inside...
:'''Greg''': ...was the Berthranomicon.  It was a book that contained all the magic spells that would dispel Betha's spirit and make her ectoplasm leave this...
:'''Sean''': ...planet for good!  If he could only decipher it.
:'''Jeff''': And fortunately he took a class in deciphering Berthranomicon.
:'''Colin''': Anyhoo, he looked in the back, and there in the index under &quot;B&quot; was &quot;Bertha, getting rid of.&quot;
:'''Brad''': So he started to chant, luckily he spoke Latin fluently.
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;as Billy&gt;'' &quot;''&lt;clears throat&gt;'' Androponum, Incoponum, Berthraponum nu!&quot; he cried.  And Jimmy...
:'''Jonathan''': ...couldn't beleive his eyes as she quickly shrunk about a foot and a half.
:'''Greg''': And then she was smaller.
:'''Sean''': Small but still deadly.  She started chasing them down the hallway. &quot;''&lt;rapid gibberish&gt;!''&quot;
:'''Brad''': She said in her little mouse voice, even though she was still 6 foot tall.
:'''Colin''': Somehow she got in front of them, and put before them a giant requisition form.  The boys' eyes...
:'''Jeff''': widened.  She said &quot;PRESS HARD!  YOU'RE MAKING THREE COPIES!&quot;
:'''Sean''': And then they had the final trump card.  They turned to Bertha and said &quot;May I see your supervis-&quot;
:'''Greg''': ''&lt;as Jimmy&gt;'' &quot;-or?&quot;  Bertha started quaking and quivering for her supervisor had been dead these long 25 years!  Suddenly the supervisor appeared, he was a giant purple protoplasmic Gi-
:'''Jeff''': -gantore!  &quot;'''WHY HAVE YOU WOKEN ME FROM MY NAP?!'''&quot;
:'''Colin''': ''&lt;as Gigantore&gt;'' &quot;'''AND WHERE'S MY DONUT?'''&quot; Bertha ran off, disappearing forever.
:'''Jonathan''': And the moral of the story is this one:  If you ever break into a municipal building, and you're ten years old, and you... ''&lt;Greg burps&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': ...find yourself being surrounded by bureaucrats from beyond,
:'''Sean''': always ask for the supervisor.
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

===The Little Antelope that Could===
:''&lt;Drew is acting as the pointer&gt;''
:'''Jeff''': &lt;as Jim's dad&gt; &quot;You can't.&quot;
:'''Colin''': He said as the antelope slowly made his way towards him. Jim...
:'''Brad''': ...realized that he was going to have to go out on his own, and fend for himself in the harsh world of evil creatures.
:'''Colin''': He was an antelope with a plan.
:'''Julie''': He wanted to settle in a place in Manhattan, and start dancing.
:'''Sean''': And maybe start playing some jazz music.
:'''Chip''': Cut to two years later, an antelope, alone, in the streets, hitting the bottle, hitting the bottle hard.
:'''Colin''': &quot;Where did it all go wrong?&quot; Jimmy thought to himself &quot;I came here with such dreams, ready to dance, ready to play jazz!&quot;
:'''Sean''': All the sudden he bumped into Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance!  Michael Flatley knows talent, he knows it!
:'''Jeff''': He gave Jimmy one look over and said &quot;I've found...&quot;
:'''Greg''': &quot;&lt;as Flatley&gt;...the antelope I have been looking for. I'm doing a show called Lords of the Impala...&quot;
:'''Julie''': &quot;&lt;as Flatley&gt;...and you're just the guy to help me.&quot;
:'''Chip''': Ultimately they decided that the show...
:'''Jeff''': ...was going to go on earlier than had been scheduled.  Jimmy said &quot;I'm not prepared!  The whole opening num-&quot;
:'''Brad''': &quot;&lt;as Jimmy&gt;-ber is still just a '?' in my head, I've only done it one time!&quot;
:'''Colin''': &quot;You're on!&quot; said the stage manager. He pushed him in the middle of...
:'''Chip''': ...the stage.  He...
:'''Colin''': he leapt into the air, leaping higher than he ever leapt...
:'''Chip''': ...in his life on...
:'''Colin''': ...two legs!
:'''Chip''': The audience screamed!
:'''Jeff''': They screamed because he had leapt too high and his horns got stuck in the rigging above the stage.
:'''Sean''': They thought it was a special effect!  He moved his head back and forth and fell down to the stage!
:'''Chip''': Four months later:  Tony Awards.  Jimmy could hardly believe it as they called his name as he limped slowly to the stage and took...
:'''Sean''': ...his Tony.  And then everyone rose, it was a standing ovation for a very, very special impala.
:'''Colin''': Suddenly, an impatient lion came out of nowhere and devoured Jimmy. &lt;Chip and Jeff laugh&gt;  The moral of the story is this:
:'''Greg''': When your parents tell you &quot;You can't,&quot; always remember...
:'''Brad''': ...that if you try just hard...
:'''Sean''': ...enough and you don't run with the herd,
:'''Jeff''': lion's still probably gonna eat you.
:''&lt;scene ends&gt;''

==External links==

[[Category:Improvisational comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Comedy Central shows]]
[[Category:WB shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]</text>
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    <title>Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:10:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>82.27.235.81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Paper Yoshi Kid */</comment>
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'''''{{w|Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door}}''''' (or '''''Paper Mario and the 1,000-Year Door'''''), originally released in Japan in 2004 as '''''Paper Mario RPG''''', originally known as '''''Mario Story 2''''' in Japan and '''''Paper Mario 2''''' in North America, is a [[w:role-playing game|role-playing game]] for the {{w|Nintendo GameCube}}, the second game in the ''[[w:Paper Mario|Paper Mario]]'' series. The 1,000-Year Door is set in the town of [[Rogue]][[w:port|port]], built atop an ancient ruins containing a mysterious [[door]], where Mario soon finds himself after the princess disappears on a [[w:treasure hunt|treasure hunt]].

== Paper Bowser ==
* Pbbbthbtth! Am I Mario's baby-sitter? I don't care what he's doing! Are you going to call me every time that guy blows his nose, or what? Sheesh!
* You got it, Haggy!
* (Thinking) It's Hag Vs. Hag! Awesome!
* Word on the street was that some mustached doofus was in Glitzville... and lookee here! Talk about perfect timing! And now all these folks get to watch me murdalize you!

== Professor Frankly ==
* I must research this more. Assuming will just make an... Well, you know the saying.

== Partners ==

=== Goombella ===
* Omigosh! Is… Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!
* So, Hooktail Castle, huh? Well... it sure is ominous, that's for sure.
* Well, no doubt about it: This is Glitzville! Can you believe it actually floats? Well, let's get to it, huh, Mario? Let's find that Crystal Star as fast as we can!
* Woah, totally AWESOME! Check it out, Mario! Someone's about to catch a beating up there!
* They... Those total COWARDS! Those chickens attacked us before the bell rang! Oh, that is IT! Come on! We aren't losing to punks like them! Let's waste 'em!
* What did you expect, huh? We rock!
* What?!? You... were in that cute little eggy-weggy? Whoa! That's wild!
* Omigosh! That cake must've totally been poisoned! Boy, if we'd eaten it... that'd be us on the floor!
* Wow! That was Bowser, right? Jeepers, who woulda thought he'd show his face HERE?
* What?!? What?!? What?!? Omigosh, WHAT'S going on?!?
* Oh, the bell rang, Mario! That means someone's gonna... Whew... At least it's not me this time.
* Huh? The gatekeeper's gone... No, not gone! He turned into a pig! Well, not to be insensitive, but that works out for us. We can just cruise through!
* Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!
* What IS that gross thing?  ...No! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario! Let's hurry up and find the Poshley Sanctum that the professor was talking about!
* Wow! That was KILLER! I totally never would've guessed I'd get to do THAT!
* Ugh... This place is freaky... but we don't have a choice, Mario! We've gotta get in there and save Peach before this gets out of hand! C'mon, Mario!
* What? This is totally unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was hairy. At least we settle THAT nut's hash. Now let's save Peach, OK, Mario?
* What?!? Where's Grodus?!?
* Never, ever give up! That's the most important thing I've learned from you, Mario.

=== Koops ===
* OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
* Oh, man... Hooktail Castle... The stories were all true... This place is TERRIFYING...
* X-Nauts? Sounds like tissues... to the extreme or something.
* Boy! This just isn't right. Let's do something before my claustrophobia sets in...
* Ummm... Yeah, this would be Glitzville, all right... How do they make it float? I mean, it hasn't ever, you know, plunged from the sky or anything, has it? Time to hunt down that Crystal Star, huh, Mario? I know I'm ready!
* Wow! This place is so cool! Hey, Mario, look up there! There's a battle match going on right now!
* Hey! That's no fair! You can't attack before the bell rings! That's cheating! Come on, Mario! We can't let a bunch of cheaters beat us. Let's take them down!
* We... won? Cool!
* Ummm... WHAT?!? You hatched out of that egg? That's nuts. So you're a Yoshi, huh?
* Umm... Was that King Bowser? What was he doing here? That... kinda freaks me out.
* Whoa. Is that what plumbers do? I had no idea, man. Wow.
* Wow! Grubba got... really big! That isn't good!
* What IS that thing? ...Hey! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Um... OK, this place is scary... but I guess we don't have a choice, huh? We have to power through and save Peach before things get out of hand! Let's go, Mario!

=== Flurrie ===
* My! Such wonderful drama! I imagine we have to do something now, don't we?
* My, my, my! Glitzville! I've heard that the Glitz Pit is just full of brawny brawls! I must admit the prospect of some hurly-burly gets me a touch piqued! Now, darling, let's find that Crystal Star, hmmm?
* What sort of base cowards attack before the match officially begins? Honestly! Come on, Mario, darling! We shan't lose to lowlifes! Let's teach them a lesson!
* Why, you little rapscallion! You hatched from that egg? Well, aren't you precious!
* I should like to request that we ''never'' do that again.
* We're finally here, dear! Let's waste no time finding that Poshley Sanctum that Frankly spoke of.
* My, what an unpleasant place... but I suppose we have no choice! We must go onward and save Peach before this situation spirals beyond out control! Let's move on, darling!

=== Paper Yoshi Kid ===
* Yow! Grubba got huge!
* Gonzales! Check me out! Thanks to you, I hatched safe and sound! Thanks, man!
* Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How'd that floor taste?
* Wow! That was the king of the Koopas, wasn't it? WOW! That guy's insane!
* Well, she took off, huh? What was that kiss like? I gotta get me one of those... Hey, but what do you think she meant about somebody being upstairs, huh?
* Was that cake poisoned? Yeah! It must've been! If we'd eaten it, we'd be all banged up like that guy!
* Dude, I have SO much respect for plumbers now!
* Whoa! That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! What's going on in this weirdo town?
* Whoa! The bell rang, Mario! Doesn't that mean someone's gonna... Boy... I'm psyched it wasn't my turn to get pigged.
* Whoa! The gate guy's gone! ...Oops! Nope! Not gone! The stubborn dude's a pig! Well, hey, that's actually pretty sweet for us! No pig's gonna get in our way!
* Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
* Gee... What a downer. I guess that's a pretty good reason for hating the ocean...
* Aw, yeah, the Excess Express! This is so deluxe, man! The three days to Poshley Heights are gonna be over just like THAT!
* Ah, morning of a new day! I love it! It's so cool and brisk, too! I love THAT!
* What IS that gnarly thing? ...Whoa! Gonzales, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We finally made it, Gonzales! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum place that the prof was talking about, huh?
* Whoa! That was AWESOME! Man, who knew adventurers got to do stuff like THAT!
* ...We got it, TEC.
* Gonzales! That tears it, man! We just gotta save Peach! For TEC, too!
* Whoa! You hear something just then?
* Whoa, this place is nasty... but we don't have a choice! We've gotta cruise through and save Peach before this whole cataclysm happens! C'mon, Gonzales!
* Man, we clear one freaky room just to find another... This area is almost like an underground city, huh? What IS this place?
* Let's leave these wusses, Gonzales...
* Hoooo... That was a doozy. At least we rocked that guy's world, am I right? Now, let's save Peach!
* Whoa!!! Where's Grodus?!?

=== Vivian ===
* Your name and body were stolen? Oh, well I guess that happens from time to time.
* Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
* Wow! The Excess Express! This is really nice, Mario! The three days to Poshley Heights are going to seem like nothing!
* Ah, it's a new day! And what a cool and brisk morning!
* What IS that nasty thing? ...Oh! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario. There's no time to waste, so let's find the Poshley Sanctum, like the professor said.
* Gee whiz! That was wild! I never thought I'd take a ride like THAT...
* We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Yes! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Uh, but... We still don't know where Peach is...
* Oh, Mario! We have to save Peach... for TEC, too!
* Did you hear something just then?
* Uh... This place is unsettling... but we have no choice! We have to get in there and save Peach before things get any more out of control! Let's go, Mario!
* We get out of one strange room just to find another... It's so big... It's almost like an underground city... What IS this place?
* What? This is unbelievable! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was TOO close! At least we can close THAT chapter, though, right? Now, let's save Peach!

=== Admiral Bobbery ===
* We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be to keen on seeing us again, eh?
* Harumph! The Excess Express! Rather posh, I must say! Yes, rather posh indeed! The three days to Poshley Heights ought to pass in an eyeblink, eh, old boy?
* What IS that rank thing? ...Horrors!  Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We've made it, old boy! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum that Professor Frankly spoke of, posthaste!
* Harumph! Well, that was rather a bumpy trip, wot wot! Who would've guessed I'd get to do such a thing...
* This place is rather ugly... but we haven't a choice in the matter, old boy! We must get in there and save Peach before this hullabaloo goes any further! Let's go, dear boy!
* Well now, it seems we get past one dodgy room only to find another... This region is rather like an underground city, hm? What IS this place?
* What? This is rather unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Whew... Rather close, hm? At least we've settled that burly bloke's account, old boy. Now, let's save Peach!
* Hm?!? Where's Grodus?!?

=== Ms. Mowz ===
* I can't believe there are other thieves here besides me. How very strange...
* Mmmm... the Excess Express! Now this is what I call travelling in style! The three days to Poshley heights will be over before we know it, dearie!
* Mmm, the beginning of a new day... And such a cool and brisk morning, as well!
* What IS that vile thing? ...Oh, no! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Oh, my! That was quite fun! I can't say I ever thought I'd take a ride like THAT!
* What an unpleasant place... but we don't have a choice in the matter! We have to get in there and save Peach before this gets any more out of hand! Let's go, dearie!
* What? This isn't very fair! All this and Bowser, too?!?

== Villains ==
*'''Doopliss''': So, you figured it out by now, right, Slick? Your body and name belong to me now!
*'''Lord Crump''': And with that... pow! I'm gone!
*'''Sir Grodus''': Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
*'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! I'm gonna turn you guys into wee seeds... Wait, that's not right. I'll turn you into SEAWEED! Buh huh! Enjoy!
*'''Shadow Queen''': You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me.

==Other characters==
*'''TEC''': I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may.
*'''Cotrtez''': I'll turn your mustache into a bone-polisher, amigo!
*'''Rawk Hawk''': Rawk out, Great Gonzales!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! Listen to me, Gonzales! Anybody who's beat me is not ALLOWED to lose!!!
*'''Blooey''': Hey there, I'm Blooey. ...And this guy [Luigi] is a total liar! Don't listen to him! You heard his story, right? Well, he did TRY to throw me, but he completely tripped! And what happens? I end up landing in lava! LAVA, man! You think that feels good? Thanks to him, you can stick a fork in me! I'm well-done! My pale skin's crispified! I'll NEVER forgive this guy! I'm gonna make him pay if it takes my whole lifetime! That's the ONLY reason I'm still hanging around with him. YOU'LL PAY, LUIGI!
*'''Jerry''': It is now my goal in life to keep this guy from ever dressing as a woman again.

== Dialogue ==

=== Prologue ===
:'''Goombella''': Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!
:'''Lord Crump''': Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right, NOW!
:'''Goombella''': Never! I don't have anything to say to you creeps! EWW!
:'''Lord Crump''': I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise... Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand to our fortress!
:'''X-Naut''': As you command, Lord Crump! We're on it!
:'''Goombella''': N-no! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

:'''Paragoomba''': Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!?
:'''Goombella''': Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!
:'''Goomba''': Ouch! That was cold!
:'''Paragoomba''': What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let's get 'em!

=== Chapter 1 - Castle and Dragon ===
*'''Koops''': Umm... excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!! ''[Walks up to Mario]'' Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. ''[Long pause]'' Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye. ''[Turns to leave]''
:'''Goombella''': Ooookay... That was weird... What do you think ''that'' was all about? Talk about issues!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koops''': Oh... Golly... Umm... Hi... Hi, Koopie... Koopie Koo... Did you overhear all that?
:'''Koopie Koo''': Well, part of it. Koops... I THOUGHT I heard you say you're off to fight Hooktail... But... you're joking, right? I mean, you're not exactly a powerhouse... He'll eat you up!
:'''Koops''': I know, Koopie Koo. But I want to be tougher. For you... So I have to do this...
:'''Koopie Koo''': No, Koops, you don't. I mean, going off to some dangerous place? It's... It's stupid. So what if you're timid? And sort of a crybaby. I don't care about all that. I just want you to be you. So, don't go...
:'''Koops''': Sorry, Koopie Koo. I've made up my mind. No need to worry, though! After all, I'm travelling with Mario. He's the man!
:'''Koopie Koo''': FINE! IGNORE ME! ''[Shell spins past Mario and Koops twice]'' STUBBORN KOOPA!!!
:'''Koops''': I'm sorry, Koopie Koo... I swear to you... I will come back to you a stronger Koopa! ''[Mario turns to him]'' Well, Mario, that's that, I guess. No turning back now! Hooktail's castle awaits!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koopley''': ''(Emerging from Hooktail's mouth)'' YAAAAAAAAH! I'm out! I'm finally out!
:'''Koops''': WHOA! It... It can't be!
:'''Koopley''': Eh?
:'''Koops''': Da... DAD?!? ''(Walks over to Koopley)''
:'''Koopley''': Hey! You're... You're Koops! Hey, Son! You've gotten so big since I saw you last!
:'''Koops''': Well, yeah, I guess I have... But who cares, Dad? I mean, golly! What happened to you? Where've you been all this time?
:'''Koopley''': Well, I came here a while back to deal with Hooktail, and all was well and good... But just before my finishing blow, he played a trick on me and gobbled me down whole. I've been hiding in my shell for the ten years since then... inside Hooktail's belly! And boy, was it nasty! Yuck! I'm so glad to finally get out! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Koops''': Honestly, Dad... Don't you know how worried about you we all were? For ten long years we all thought you'd... you know! We thought your game was over!
:'''Koopley''': Oh, sorry, Son, but... I'm OK! That's good, right? We're together now, right? Hey, speaking of which... What are you doing here, anyway?
:'''Koops''': Oh, come on, Dad... I came here to defeat Hooktail, who's been wreaking havoc in town. And Mr. Mario here is looking for a gem called the Crystal Star.
:'''Koopley''': ...Crystal Star? This wouldn't be what you're talking about, would it? ''(Produces the Diamond Star)''
:'''Koops''': What's THAT?
:'''Koopley''': I found it down there in Hooktail's belly. Nice, huh? I kept it as a souvenir. So... this is the thing you're looking for? Perfect! Just perfect! You can have it! Come now! I won't take no for an answer. You're Koops's friend. Please take it!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''X-Naut''': O great, exalted Grodus! We brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!
:'''Grodus''': Well, well, well, my pet... Isn't it about time you told us where the map is? Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.
:'''Paper Princess Peach''': I'm telling you, I don't know.
:'''Grodus''': There's no point in trying to hide it, silly girl. We know you had it. We KNOW this. Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
:'''Paper Peach''': ...
:''[A screen showing an X-Naut comes up]''
:'''X-Naut 2''': Grodus, sir! I have news!
:'''Grodus''': Report at once.
:'''X-Naut 2''': You know that Crystal Star we thought maybe Hooktail had? Well, someone nabbed it.
:'''Grodus''': What? WHAT did you say? Someone else is after the Crystal Stars? And he defeated that Hooktail creature, you say? SPEAK, soldier!
:'''X-Naut 2''': Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. There's more, too. See, according to the report... it was a mustached dude in a red hat and blue overalls who pulled the job.
:'''Peach''': Mario!
:'''Grodus''': Excuse me? Mario?
:'''Peach''': Oh no!
:'''Grodus''': Gaack ack ack ack ack! I see... So you know of this Mario, do you? Hmmm... This fool matters not at all. I'll know all about him before long, that I promise. I grow bored of talking. Take Princess Peach back to the holding room.
:'''X-Naut''': Yessir!
:'''Grodus''': And men! Take good care of Princess Peach. Understand? She is not to be harmed.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir!
:''[The X-Nauts lead Peach away]''
:'''Grodus''': Well, Lord Crump. If this Mario character has the map, then it's highly likely he'll find the Crystal Star we're hunting in the Boggly Woods. You must return there immediately and hasten the excavation. It must not fail.
:'''Lord Crump''': Whuzzat?!? Oh, yeah, sure! Roger, Grodus! And with that... Pow! I'm gone! ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I wonder if sending Lord Crump there alone is wise... He is a bit... out there... Hmmm... X-Naut! I summon you!
:''[X-Naut enters]''
:'''X-Naut''': You rang, dude? I mean, sir? You rang, sir, Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Shut up. Go get the Shadow Sirens over here.
:'''X-Naut''': The Sh-Shadow Sirens, sir? But they...
:'''Grodus''': I don't care how you planned to end that sentence, fool Go get them. Now.
:'''X-Naut''': Gotcha! ''[Leaves]''

*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach.
:'''Paper Peach''': Huh? What? Who said that? Where are you?
:'''TEC''': How amusing. I am right here, before your eyes. I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may. Sir Grodus created me to be a perfect computer, one that is flawless in its reason.
:'''Paper Peach''': Grodus... Wait, he's that awful dome-headed thing that interrogated me, right?
:'''TEC''': Sir Grodus is not awful. He is a very great person. He is marvelous.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, I don't think so. But I doubt I'll change your mind... So, I'm wondering... Why did you lead me in here?
:'''TEC''': I am unsure. An unusual program deviation occurred when I observed you earlier. My higher-brain circuitry malfunctioned and nearly overheated at your image. Also, an unidentified impulse sped through my processors. These events are new to me. There is more to this phenomenon, as well. I ran diagnostic programs... and their solution was... I want to know more about you. I want to observe you. Such a compulsion has no precedence. Cause unknown. I, the perfect computer... I must diagnose this unusual situation. I will not fail. That is why I led you here.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait... Did you just say... You want to observe me? ...To know more about me? ''[Gasps]'' Could it be that you... No! Impossible! It can't be. You're a computer...
:'''TEC''': What has happened to me? If you know my malfunction, you must tell me of it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh, I couldn't, really... Because... &lt;small&gt;..it's just too weird.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': Please tell me. Please. I am the world's best computer. I am perfect. There should not be anything that I do not understand. Please.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, you know, maybe... Is it possible that, well... you're... in love... &lt;small&gt;...with me?&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': &quot;Love&quot;? What is &quot;love&quot;? I cannot compute this.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait, you don't know what love is? Love... How do I explain? Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smiling... having fun. When you love someone, you will do anything to help when he or she is in trouble.
:'''TEC''': Happiness? Fun...? I have definitions for these words, but... My programming is insufficient. There should be nothing I cannot comprehend. I am a perfect computer.
:'''Paper Peach''': &quot;Comprehend&quot; love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it.
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach... Will you teach me to feel this thing you call &quot;love&quot;?
:'''Paper Peach''': What? You're a computer! Why would you care about love?
:'''TEC''': I am perfect. There must be nothing that I cannot comprehend. Nothing. That is why you must help me understand this thing called &quot;love.&quot; Please.

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser! Terrible news! Some bold fool abducted Princess Peach in Rogueport!
:'''Paper Bowser''': HUHHH-WWWHHAAATTT?!? Tell me you're lying, Kammy! How? When? WHERE? Who'd do such a thing? Besides me?
:'''Kammy''': I'm afraid we don't have that information quite yet... The investigation's ongoing. One thing is most certainly confirmed, however: the princess has been kidnapped.
:'''Paper Bowser''': Under NO circumstances is ANYONE allowed to kidnap her without MY say-so!!! I will NOT stand for this! I'm going to Rogueport, NOW! I've gotta kidnap her back!

=== Chapter 2 - The Great Boggly Tree ===
*'''Punio''': Elder!
:'''Puni Elder''': Punio! Is that you? You're looking well.
:'''Punio''': Why are you so calm, Elder? You're trapped! And this is our daring rescue of you!
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, a rescuing, is it? Well, thanks, I suppose. Those are quite exciting, but... I think you ought to help the other Punies before you rescue me.
:'''Punio''': Where are the others?
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[As Petuni speaks]'' Hrmmmmmmm... Let me think... Where was I? Ah. Yes. Right. Your question. The rest of the Punies...
:'''Petuni''': Big brother, is that my Punio!?!
:'''Punio''': ''[Runs over to where Petuni is]'' Petuni, thank heavens! You're here, you're safe!
:'''Petuni''': I knew you'd come for me, Punio! I just KNEW it!
:'''Punio''': Of course I would, dear sister! And I've brought us a mighty ally! Look at him! We're going to get you out of there right away, I swear. You just hold tight a second.
:'''Petuni''': OK!
:'''Punio''': ''[Turns to Mario]'' Mario, listen... we've got to find the cell key or we're going nowhere!

*'''Punio''': Elder! We're back! We're here to rescue you!
:'''Puni Elder''': FOOLISH CHILD! Punio! Sit down this instant and keep your mouth shut!
:'''Punio''': Huh? What? Why? What did I do? Uh... Listen, Elder, I don't know why you're mad, but we came here to help you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Stop your mumbling, you! And mind your elders! You whelp! How could abandon your poor sister and run off like that... Absolutely shameful!
:'''Punio''': But... But, Elder... I just went to find help... To help rescue you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, stop with the whining! You never interrupt an elder mid-lecture! NEVER! You wonder why the other Punies call you a &quot;doofus&quot; sometimes? That's why. And your time to be a doofus is over, because you have to lead our Puni tribe one day! That day is not far off! ...And THAT is why you need to listen! Now, first of all...
:''[Several hours later...]''
:'''Puni Elder''': ...Or else! You got that? From now on, you've got to get your act together, Punio!
:'''Punio''': Yes, Elder. Yes, I understand.
:'''Puni Elder''': Bah! Only answer ONCE! ...But say, by the way, why are you here, anyway?
:'''Punio''': Uh, I was just telling you... We came to rescue everyone. We started with you, Elder.
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Is that so? Well, good! In that case, get me out of here already! Criminy! This cell is cold, which isn't good for the old back, and there's this damp stench... ''[Leaves the cell]''
:'''Punio''': Uh... Well, there she goes... Enough standing around! ''[Runs to Petuni's cell]'' Just you wait, Petuni! I'll be right back for you!
:'''Petuni''': OK, big brother! I'll be waiting!

*'''Puni Elder''': You won't be going any farther this a-way!
:'''Lord Crump''': What?!? Are you nuts? Move it, you old geezer!
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[Enlarges]'' WHAT?!? Did you just call me an &quot;old geezer&quot;? Where do you get off, talking like that? You got no respect, brat! Don't think my age has a thing to do with my might! Even if it kills me, I won't let you through! I'm ready! ELDER POWER ACTIVATE!
:'''Lord Crump''': Whoa. What's your problem, gramma? You got an ear hair tickling your brain, or what?
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Ooh! What the... OUCH! ...Can't... take... another.. step... Ooooog... ''[Her back cracks]'' What a time for my stupid back to start acting up!
:'''Lord Crump''': You hotheaded old coot! You dare defy me? I could shine my boots with you!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach. I am glad you came.
:'''Paper Peach''': That mail I sent to Mario... Did it reach him all right?
:'''TEC''': Yes. I can confirm that Mario received the mail.
:'''Paper Peach''': Is that so? Well, good... So what do you want from me today? Is there more you want to know of love?
:'''TEC''': You expressed regret earlier that you would not be able to dance at a ball, correct?
:'''Paper Peach''': Ex-CUSE me?!? Were you eavesdropping?
:'''TEC''': I am sorry, Princess Peach. I have been ordered to keep surveillance on you. But... it is odd... When you said that, I had an impulse to dance with you as well. How my CPU would produce this impulse is inexplicable. I must find what caused it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Find out what caused it? There's no reason behind such a feeling, TEC. Wanting to do something together... It's part of love. {{small|I know it.}} But then again... You are... well... a computer...
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach. Please dance with me.
:'''Peach''': Wait... Wait just a minute! What... am I supposed to do? You say you want to dance? It's just so... bizarre... I mean, how in the world can I dance with you? You have no arms. Or feet. Or moves.
:'''TEC''': Would this be an acceptable dance substitute?
:''[A hologram of Paper Peach appears]''
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh my goodness! Is that me? Did you create that? ......Oh, all right, I guess. I must say, though, it's going to feel weird, dancing with myself...

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Bowser''': I've found you, my Princess. I, Bowser, the mighty Koopa king, offer my greeting!
:'''&quot;Peach&quot;''': .............
:'''Bowser''': Now, now! None of that silent treatment! You're coming to my castle with me!
:'''Kammy''': Mweh heh heh! Clearly she's so overcome with joy that she's been left speechless! The mind of a maiden is, well, rather... complicated. Mweh heh heh heh heh!
:'''Bowser''': Gra ha ha ha ha ha ha! I see! I see! How refined! How elegant! Awesome! I suppose I could live with a silent princess! It might even have its perks, you know?
:'''Koopa''': NOOOOOO! My... My life's treasure! I'd rather die than give up my life-sized Peach poster! ''[Rolls up his poster and runs inside the house]''
:'''Bowser''': P-POSTER???
:'''Kammy''': Oh, my goodness me... Didn't see that coming...
:'''Bowser''': Great. Just great. Now I look like the huge, mighty king of GUYS WHO TALK TO POSTERS!

=== Chapter 3 - Of Glitz and Glory ===
*'''Rawk Hawk''': That's right! Unh! I think it's about time for you to FEEL THE RAAAAAWK! ''[Defeats the Koopinator]'' Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!
:'''Grubba''': Hooooo-WEEEEEE! CHAMP! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharhar! ''[Holds up the champion's belt]''

*'''Jolene''': Well, here we are. This is your locker room. You're starting in the minor league, of course, as you've just now started your career. If you don't like this dingy room, I suggest you work your way through the ranks.

*'''Rawk Hawk''': Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... ''[Turns around and sees Mario]'' It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales! Man, I came all the way over her for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!
:'''&quot;Yoshi Kid&quot;''': ''[Mario realises something and turn to him]'' What's your deal, Gonzales, huh? Oh! The champ's belt... ''[Walks over to look]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': What in the... Hey! You! Get too close to the Hawk and you might get RAWKED!
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird. I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! ''[Mario agrees]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Hey, you think you can just smack-talk the Rawk Hawk? I DON'T THINK SO! You got some guts, calling my belt a fake, you shrimpy, no-belt-having wimps! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?!?
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Stop making fun of me, punk! You're alive ONLY 'cause we ain't in the ring right now! If I see you under those lights, I'll tear you apart! Remember the RAWWWWWWK! ''[Leaves]''

==== Peach interlude ====
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Disguised as an X-Naut]'' Excuse me... Sir Grodus?
:'''Grodus''': Yes, what is it? Speak!
:'''Paper Peach''': Er, well... It's about Princess Peach... What do you plan to do with her going forward?
:'''Grodus''': Hmmmmmm? Something is wrong with your voice, X-Naut.
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Gulps]''
:'''Grodus''': Perhaps I have a throat lozenge... No. Well, never mind. Oh, about Princess Peach? I have no interest in what that woman has to say. Just keep her locked in the room. But don't ever, EVER treat her roughly. You understand? Tell the others as well.
:'''Peach''': But... Uh, why... Why in the world are we keeping her here, then?
:'''Grodus''': That's none of your business! Don't forget your place, you impudent worm! Concentrate on getting the legendary treasure! That is all I require of you. We X-Nauts need that treasure to conquer the world! Don't forget it!
:'''Paper Peach''': Conquer... the world? Legendary... treasure?
:'''Grodus''': What are you blathering about now? Hmmmmm... something IS odd about you...
:'''Paper Peach''': N... No... Nothing odd! Uh, so... roger, or whatever. P-please excuse me. ''[Leaves]''

==== Bowser interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Stupid, cheating Mario... Who would've thought that fool would be in Glitzville...
:'''Kammy''': Did you say something, your Rudeness?
:'''Paper Bowser''': Uh, no! Nothing at all, as far as you know! Hey! Did you see those little bite-size shrimps? What were those things?
:'''Kammy''': Those were some Punies. One of them should know about the Crystal Star... They fear you, so they're all hiding. Let's find them all and get the info we need.

=== Chapter 4 - For Pigs the Bell Tolls ===
*'''Freddy:''' Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... This is so awful... Who could it be now? ''[Turns into a pig]''

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee... Yes... This time we'll take that Mario and get his map! With this Superbomb here, there's no way we can fail. No, not likely...
:'''Marilyn:''' Guhhhh...
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian! Hand me that glorious Superbomb!
:'''Vivian:''' Huh?
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian... Don't you dare... Does that &quot;Huh?&quot; mean what I think it does?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I never had it! You were holding it just two seconds ago! You said it was too important to trust me with!
:'''Beldam:''' Oh, you terrible LIAR! Stop making up stories to cover for yourself! If I don't have it, then OBVIOUSLY you must have it! And OBVIOUSLY you lost it! Or... are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lollygagging worm?
:'''Vivian:''' I... No, of course not, Beldam...
:'''Beldam:''' Well, we can't do much without it, now can we?!? Oh, you are SUCH an idiot... Very well... I'm sure you must have dropped it around here somewhere... So why don't you go look for it while Marilyn and I go take a well-earned siesta. And if you don't find it... Well, you know what'll happen, don't you?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I get punished...
:'''Beldam:''' That's right, you little twit, so get cracking! Come, Marilyn. Let's leave this useless little fool to her chore.
:'''Marilyn:''' Guh-huh...
:''[Beldam and Marilyn leave]''

==== Bowser Interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Haaaack... Oooooooog... A-CHOO! That was terrible... I gotta get into shape...
:'''Paper Bob-Omb''': Who's...? WAAAAUGH!!! It's Bowser, the Koopa king!!!
:'''Green Paper Toad''': He'll eat us!
:'''Orange Paper Toad''': Someone help!
:''[The townsfolk run as Kammy flies in with Glitzville merchandise]''
:'''Kammy''': THERE you are, Lord Bowser! What are you doing here? I've been looking all over! If I may ask, where have you been, Your Sogginess?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ...Swimming.
:'''Kammy''': Really? Neat! As for me... Glitzville was FANTASTIC! The fights were SO COOL! I was overcome! Why, even at my age, I was shaking what my momma gave me! And then... the Hot Dogs! Oh, my gracious! YUMMERLY! You have fun, too? Hm?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ... GRAAARGH!!! ''[Breathes fire on Kammy]''
:'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser... Is that a &quot;no&quot;?
:'''Paper Bowser''': It was terrible! You hear me? I swallowed a dang blooper! I wanted to have FUN! But forget it! It's over! Go get me some solid info on Princess Peach and the Crystal Stars! NOW!!!

=== Chapter 5 - The Key to Pirates ===
*'''Flavio''': And what about you, Squinty? You turned to jelly when you saw all those ghosts!
:'''Pa-Patch''': What are you talkin' 'bout?!? You were the one quakin' in 'is boots, fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': ...wait. Wait one moment. Did... Did you just call the great Flavio &quot;fancy pants&quot;?
:'''Pa-Patch''': That's right, fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': Why, you little CYCLOPS! Flavio demands satisfaction! You! Me! Hammers! At dawn!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, that's right fine by me! I can't wait to put a few dents in those fancy threads!

*'''Cortez''': NOOOOOOOO! My treasure! ''[Shrinks]'' I am done for... ''[Grows again]'' Yohohohohohohoho! You are foolish, amigo! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead... but my spirit endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!
:''[Mario raises his arm]''
:'''Cortez''': What? You are not even interested in my treasure?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': Then why are you here?
:''[Mario indicates the Sapphire Star in Cortez's treasure pile]''
:'''Cortez''': Huh?!? You want this, amigo?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': This little rock over here? Are you serious? Well, that's no big deal... Here, take it. What do I need one or two extra gems for? I did not really like that one, anyway. ''[Gives Mario the Sapphire Star]''

*'''Flavio''': Ah, Mario! Welcome back to you, my stalwart captain! So... have you found the treasure? How is our little expedition faring, hm?
:''[Paper Mario speaks]''
:'''Pa-Patch''': What?!? The spirit o' Cortez was guardin' the treasure? An' you beat 'im, but you left all the treasure there?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! What were you THINKIN'?!? Were you tryin' to be NICE?!? Awww, well... That's what I like about you, I guess...

*'''Four-Eyes''': So sorry to surprise you... No, wait... No need for that fake politeness anymore... Good job getting the Crystal Star! Oh, yeah! Seriously! Good job getting it for ME!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, now... Ain't that good ol' Four-Eyes?
:'''Green Toad''': Yeah, that IS Four-Eyes! What's he doing over there? HEEEEEEEY! FOUR-EYES! IT'S DANGEROUS UP THERE!
:'''Four-Eyes''': ''[Fires his ship's cannon]'' Pffffft! What's with this lukewarm reception, huh? Dramatic entrance, here! Oh, whatever! I'll spell it out for you idiots! You may have known me as Four-Eyes... But I'm actually... ''[Sheds his disguise]''
:'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! The great LORD CRUMP!!! Oh, MAN, did I fool you! I was the mastermind in the shadows, running this voyage! It HURTS to be this good! Now, Mario! Enough of this! I'm on a schedule, here! Hand over the Crystal Star! ...Because you know what'll happen if you don't... ''[Fires the cannon again]'' STARBOARD CANNONS! PORT CANNONS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
:'''Flavio''': AIIIYEEEEEEE! YIKES! Four-Eyes was a pirate all this time? Madness! Well, what are we all standing around for? Cannons, people! We must flee!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Look, we're sailors... We're not much good for anythin' wifout a ship to sail!
:'''Flavio''': Wait! I have it! I am a genius! We have a ship at hand! And a fine one, I must say! Mario! Take me... to Cortez! Yes, my brain remembered what you said! You said that Cortez had a ship! If the legend is true, then we should be unstoppable in that cursed ship!
:'''Green Toad''': Flavio, what are you talking about? That's crazy! This is Cortez the pirate you're talking about, here! Even if Mario did beat him... Why would he lend YOU his ship, huh? He'll cream you! Kuh-ree-eem you!
:'''Flavio''': Hey! I may be a coward and a cad, but I still lead you! I have a duty to protect you! We will be cannon fodder if we sit and wag our tongues! We must at least try Cortez! I want to hear no complaints! I am your leader, and I will negotiate with this Cortez! Now, Mario! Take me to this pirate scum, this instant!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''Grodus''': You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me.
:'''Lord Crump''': Look, I'm sorry. Seriously. We thought... We thought we had the guy cornered, but...
:'''Grodus''': Stop talking, Lord Crump. You just stand by until my next order. And, Lord Crump? Think of this as your last chance. Understand?
:'''Lord Crump''': Roger that.
:'''Grodus''': Then leave. ''[Lord Crump disappears]'' Hey! You there!
:''[An X-Naut walks up to Sir Grodus]''
:'''X-Naut''': What is it, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Tell the Shadow Sirens to attack Mario again. And tell them not to fail this time.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I have one Crystal Star in my hands... and Mario has five. I must take some measures.

=== Chapter 6 - 3 Days of Excess ===
*'''Zip Toad:''' Hey, I think not, Slick! You think you can hold me? No Way! Beldam would flip if I let that happen! ''[Reveals himself to be--]''
:'''Doopliss:''' This whole Zip Toad thing was just a means to an end! It's me, suckers! Doopliss! Beldam's plan to gooify Mario didn't exactly work, so I'll be cutting and running now! I'll leave the rest to Beldam! See ya, suckers!

*'''Excess Express Conductor:''' Thank you! Boy, it's like all you di for three days was save us! How can we ever thank you?
:'''Excess Express Waitress:''' Everyone's safe now!☆ It's all thanks to you!!☆
:'''Chef Shimi:''' OH, THANK YOU MUCH! You shaved my life! No! Stupid tongue of mine! You SAVED my life!
:'''Pennington:''' So, did you all know? This dashing fellow has been the famous Luigi all along!
:'''Excess Express Conductor:''' We will soon arrive at Poshley Heights! Ladies and gentlemen... Please prepare to disembark.

*'''Goldbob:''' You wouldn't happen to have a train set for sale, would you? A gold one, perhaps?

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee! You're one step too late! We have the Crystal Star!
:''[Beldam and Marilyn teleport away, leaving Doopliss behind]''
:'''Doopliss:''' Hey! Don't leave without me! ''[Jumps out the broken window]''

====Peach Interlude====
*'''Grodus:''' What is the matter with you idiots? Falling for a fake Crystal Star? That's asinine!
:'''X-Naut:''' Sorry, dude. I mean, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' So let me guess... This means Mario managed to get the real Crystal Star?
:'''X-Naut:''' Uh, I'm gonna say... maybe?
:'''Grodus:''' Urrgh… This mustached menace has nearly every Crystal Star now! They were mine! I think I'd better alter my plan a bit...
:'''X-Naut:''' Before you do, Sir Grodus… I think I'd better tell you something...
:'''Grodus:''' What is it, fool?!?
:'''X-Naut:''' ''[Approaches Grodus]'' ...Mumble mumble…
:'''Grodus:''' WHAAAAAAAAT?!? Are you sure?!? Speak!
:'''X-Naut:''' No joke, dude. I mean, affirmative, Sir Dude! That is... I'm positive, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' Hrrrrgh… TREASON!

*'''Grodus:''' TEC... You miserable machine. We all know what you're up to, traitor.
:'''TEC:''' Sir Grodus... I...
:'''Grodus:''' In my most paranoid moments, I never thought my own computer would betray me. Well, it doesn't really matter in the end, I suppose... Especially since it ends here.
:'''Peach:''' You monster! What are you planning to do with him?!?
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Only one thing to do with a malfunctioning computer! Cut the circuit and delete all the programs and data that caused the malfunction! Obviously, all data relating to Princess Peach must go, as well... Yes, we must be absolutely sure nothing like this ever happens again...
:'''TEC:''' No... I am... I am normal... There is no malfunction...
:'''Grodus:''' Pipe down, TEC. X-Nauts: at the same time, press the red buttons on TEC's sides.
:'''X-Nauts:''' Got it, sir! ''[Push the red buttons]''
:'''Paper Peach:''' TEC! NO!
:'''TEC:''' Mail... sent........... Princess Peach........ I.........l.........o......v..........e...........y...........o........u.......... ..... ... .. .
:'''Tannoy:''' Deletion complete.
:'''Paper Peach:''' '''TEC!'''
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Too bad, Princess Peach. TEC is no longer with us.
:'''Paper Peach:''' No! You inhuman beast! How could you?
:'''Grodus:''' Princess Peach... just stop it. This is no time to be worrying about a computer. We have some very important things for you to do now... Yes, VERY important...

====Bowser Interlude====
*'''Bowser:''' Grrrrmph... Hrrrgh... Bluh. I've got no Crystal Stars... I can't find Princess Peach... Twilight Town was... Well, it wasn't exactly glorious. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!? If this keeps up, Mario's gonna steal everything from my grasp! AS USUAL!!!
:'''Kammy:''' Your Massiveness! ''[Flies down to Bowser]'' We did it! The Magikoopa scouts found a suspicious underground chamber! It isn't even on any maps! Yeah! REALLY suspicious! SOMETHING must be there!

=== Chapter 7 - Mario Shoots the Moon ===
*'''TEC''': You... are Mario... are... you not? It... is pleasant to meet you... I... am the main computer of this fortress... I am TEC. I must tell you something.... That is why... I brought you to this place... Princess P... Peach.......... I... am so s... sorry. Most of my data was er... erased... and my main power unit was shut... down. Now running on backup power with... only cached memory... trying to stay... operational. M... Mario... You know that peach is not here, do you not? Please save... Peach... Please... please... Princess Peach... is... with Grodus in the... Palace of Shadow... I had to... tell you that... But... backup... power... failing... Mario... Use... the teleporter room... to get back to... Rogueport. Teleporter room is... on... sublevel... 2... of the fortress... I will release... the room lock.
:'''Vivian''': Princess Peach is in the Palace of Shadow?
:'''TEC''': Please hurry... There is barely enough... power left... to activate the teleporter............ I will... cease all AI functions... to send power to... the teleporter... for you.
:'''Vivian''': But... what'll happen to you?
:'''TEC''': When the power is all gone... I will... Cease to exist... as an artificial consciousness. But... if it will... save Peach... I would... gladly do this. Because until I met Peach... I knew nothing of... love... Do not worry... about me... I am just a computer... Just... a... machine... Mario... You must save Peach... I ask you... Please... And tell her... Thank you... for... me...
:'''Vivian''': We understand, TEC.
:'''TEC''': So... Hurry to the teleporter room... now... Mario... Save... her... ''(Shuts down)''

=== Chapter 8 - The Thousand-Year Door===
*'''Bowser''': Urrrgh... That was a surprise... I didn't think I'd fall... Have I put on weight?
:'''Kammy Koopa''': Your chunkiness! Are you OK? ''[Flies down to Bowser]''
:''[Bowser gets up and notices Mario in front of him]''
:'''Bowser''': GWAAAAAAAAAAARF! Why is MARIO here?!?
:''[Kammy turns to see Peach]''
:'''Kammy Koopa''': And Peach as well?!?
:'''Bowser''': I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna put an end to it RIGHT NOW! Mario! First, I pound you. Then, I take the Princess! And then, the treasure!

*'''Shadow Queen''': Who... has called me back?
:'''Grodus''': It is I, my Shadow Queen!
:'''Shadow Queen''': You... Very well... Where is the vessel?
:'''Grodus''': It is here! The girl who lies before you!
:'''Shadow Queen''': Yessss... A fine vessel... Now... ''[Possesses Peach]''

*'''Shadow Peach''': Muh huh huh huh huh... Witness my rebirth... My soul has not yet fully accustomed to this vessel... But I will learn to control this body soon enough...
:'''Vivian''': P-Peach...
:'''Grodus''': yes, my glorious witch queen... Destroy these impudent fools!
:'''Shadow Peach''': Who are you that would command me? What sort of being are you?
:'''Grodus''': Huh? What do you mean?!? I thought you were bound to obey the one who woke you! Enough of this prattle! Do as I say!!! NOW! Or I will send you back to the depths...
:'''Shadow Peach''': ''[Destroys Grodus' body]'' You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me. ''[Destroys Grodus' head]'' My powers are not yet fully restored... But... they will come in time...

=== Ending ===

== Rogueport Direct Mail Service ==

=== RDM Registration ===
:Dear Mr. MARIO!
:Thanks for registering with Rogueport Direct Mail (RDM) service.
:Your kind friend MR. FRANKLY, referred you to us.
:Our direct mail service will provide you with regular, timely news updates. We hope you enjoy our service!

=== RDM Premiere Issue ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Bringing you all the up-to-the-moment news as it happens! We have details of yet another incident at the parlor in West Rogueport. Outraged by the high Pianta prices, Goomfrey (age 30) is suspected of violently shaking the Pianta Changer (age 5), causing the Pianta Changer's alarm to sound, which lead to the Pianta changer ceasing to function for a brief period. The parlor was forced to close down temporarily. The victim was quoted as saying: &quot;I am a machine. No matter how hard I am shook, I feel no pain. End interview.&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Get all the hottest shopping news about all the hottest shopping spots in the world! If Petalburg's your destination, you can't miss the shop that's been the talk of the town for the last 20 years: Niff T.'s shop! The friendly owner has long thought to be the most eligible bachelor in town, but word is he's secretly in love with the girl at the inn! The wise and witty shopkeeper had this to say: &quot;You only live once, so enjoy it while you can! Shop now at good old Niff T.'s shop!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Interested in cooking but don't know what to cook? Try our chef's delicious suggestions! Today's yummy recipe: Fried Shrooms! Just season your mushrooms, sauté them up, and they're ready for the dinner table!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We hope you enjoyed RDM's premiere issue! You can look forward to future editions coming your way soon!

=== RDM Issue 2 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Old Toad settles in!''
:It's come to light that after settling into life at our inn, Toadsworth (age 60) has often been spotted in the company of Zess T. (age 55). The notoriously finicky Zess T. surprised all when she was heard saying &quot;What's wrong with spending time with my little Toadle-toes?&quot; The possibilities such a comment opens has our eyes and ears glued to the situation!
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Our focus of attention this week? Pungent's Great Tree Shop!
:Pungent's easygoing management philosophy is: &quot;Money and girls are fickle, so easy come, easy go, y'know?&quot; He fully understands why his shop isn't busier, too: &quot;We're well hidden, but like any good treasure, we're worth lookin' for!&quot; He even has a special offer for RDM readers: &quot;For the next 15 minutes, I'll give you double shop points!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Today's Yummy Recipe: Spicy Soup!
:Steep a Fire Flower in hot water and... Presto! You're done! The perfect first meal for kids to cook!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We've been working all night to bring you this edition of RDM. Look forward to more hot, hot news in Issue 3, coming soon!

=== RDM Issue 3 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Noon, Today''
:The Excess Express ran late for the first time in ten years today as a suspicious incident activated station security measures. Area youth and huge train enthusiast Laki (age 18) was found taking pictures in an employee-only area near the Express and was gang-tackled by local Samaritans. &quot;I understand how much people are into trains, but we've got safety and security measures to uphold!&quot; blustered the train engineer. The youth was released with just a warning... this time.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we highlight Glitzville Sales Stall!
:Though they've never attracted as many customers as the nearby Hot Dog Stand, the proprietor is certain that any day now, people will in fact notice that his shop exists! Early on in our interview, the owner of the nearby Hot Dog Stand cornered our reporter and had this to say: &quot;Who needs Sales Stall! My Hot Dog gives you all you want! Only 10 coins now!&quot; A minor scuffle broke out shortly thereafter, but we're happy to report that no one was seriously injured. Apparently everyone in Glitzville knows how to roll with a punch...
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Hey there, rookies! Flex your bendy straws, because today's recipe is for Fresh Juice! Just blend Honey Syrup until you reach a nice, frothy texture and enjoy! Try one in the morning to start your day off right!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We're just getting started, people! Wait until you see the glorious next issue!

=== RDM Issue 4 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Dusk, Today''
:Goomez (age 40), known for napping in the flowers in the west side park, was found eating flowers and given a stern warning by authorities. Asked for comment, Goomez stated, &quot;Well, I just really, really love flowers, and I was hanging out, and before I knew it, they were in my mouth... I'm so ashamed.&quot; Citizens of Rogueport responded with disbelief and grudging support for strengthening of flower-conservation efforts.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, we introduce the Twilight Shop!
:Watching the husband and wife proprietors of this shop at work is a heartwarming sight, but don't get on the hubby's bad side! &quot;Don't you go smiling at MY wife!&quot; says the jovially jealous shopkeeper. &quot;I'm hers for life, and your fancy big-city teeth aren't gonna change that!&quot; Well, who could doubt their eternal love? Surely not this reporter. We pressed the shopkeeper for further comment, but regret that his words are unprintable here...But we did learn from the little missus that there will be a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show her this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:All right, my little rookies, we're on to an intermediate-level recipe today! The dish is a Healthy Salad... Just slice up a Turtley Leaf and a Horsetail, mix them together, and you're done! Great for dieters!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:That's all for today! But check your mailbox soon for another exciting issue!

===RDM Issue 5===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Local mystic Merluvlee (age 25) was taken to the hospital today, followed quickly by hordes of concerned fans. Luckily, according to a spokesperson for the hospital, Merluvlee suffered from nothing more than a severe case of indigestion caused by a wild binge on eight Shroom Steaks. The divine diviner exclaimed that her &quot;aura was brimming with the power of steak,&quot; but this reporter can't help but wonder why she failed to predict the gastrointestinal adventure in the first place...
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, let's head to Keelhaul Galleria!
:We are proud to toast the entrepreneurial spirit shown by the managerial team who brought free commerce to this deserted island! &quot;I really wanted to do something that had never been done,&quot; gushed the unsinkable proprietor and former fight fan. &quot;So call me 'The Invincible Shopmaster' from now on. I'm 100% serious. Print that.&quot; We wish him all the success that he can grab with two hands and wrestle to the mat!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Listen up, rookies, because here's another intermediate-level recipe! Today's dish is the single-serving Peach Tart! Take a Peachy Peach, add Cake Mix, stir, and bake! Try that at teatime, rookies...
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Thanks for reading the best rag in the land! See you next issue!

===RDM Issue 6===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:An unknown businessman (age 30) was taken into custody today by port authorities as he tried to board the blimp carrying large amounts of a volatile red liquid. After a few tense moments, authorities identified the liquid as a spicy condiment, and the businessman was subsequently released. Our RDM reporters were mystified by the following unsolicited comment: &quot;Buy our new Hot Sauce, folks!&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week, we have the pleasure of introducing the fabulously luxurious shop on the Excess Express, the Sales Stall!
:This unique boutique on the exclusive train of the independently wealthy just reeks of money, but perhaps the idyllic landscapes rushing past will loosen your purse strings! Says the impeccably dressed manager of sales: &quot;Come one, come all, be you rich or not at all, to our lovely Sales Stall!&quot; He then announced a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show him this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is it, rookies! You've finally made it to the big leagues! Today's recipe is an advanced-level one. Today, we'll be making Ink Pasta. Just boil Fresh Pasta until perfectly al dente and mix lightly with Inky Sauce. Perfecto! Get ready for gourmet chow tonight!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Can you believe it, dear readers? The next issue will be our last! Don't miss it!

===RDM Issue 7===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:In a shocking series of event today, local authorities report that Zess T. (age 55) delivered a left hook to the jaw of gadabout Flavio (age 25) late this very afternoon. Our investigation has revealed that the cause of the feisty fisticuffs may have been Zess T.'s anger that a shipment of gourmet ingredients spoiled on the dock because Flavio had held up the dock crew with a marathon two-day tale of high-seas adventure. While Flavio is recovering from temporary memory loss, Zess T. has already been approached by a Glitz Pit talent scout, Don Goombatti. &quot;I think the kid's got spunk. We'll take the world by storm!&quot; said Goombatti.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we have an explosive exclusive on the shop in Fahr Outpost, Northwinds Mart!
:It's so cold there that all of the merchandise is frozen to the counter...Just kidding! The smiling shop manager showed us a fascinating variety of good as the sweet-faced little miss explained, &quot;It's cold out, but I do best to explode inside shop to warm place up, da? So come on it! This place is big, too, folks, so we haven't even seen all of it yet! Come on down and see it for yourself!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is the final installment of Cooking for Rookies! Just to make sure we leave you with a smile on your face, our last recipe will be for Couple's Cake! Just simmer Spicy Soup for a few minutes, then drop in a Snow Bunny...and presto! Before your very eyes, the mixture will congeal and take the form of a cake! Eat it with someone you love!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:This is it, dear readers! The final issue! We here at the RDM office have enjoyed every minute of our hard work to bring you the best news and features! May we meet again...perhaps sooner than you think! (Wink, wink...)

== Luigi's Adventure in the Waffle Kingdom ==
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Well, like I said, it's a really long story, but here goes.

=== Part 1: Waffle Kingdom Letter ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' My big brother - that's you, Bro - got a letter from Princess Peach and took off. Left behind as usual, I was cooking a snack at home when another letter arrived. We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking, &quot;Huh?&quot;. This is what the letter said: &quot;Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe&quot;. Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that. With Mario - that's you, Bro - gone, it fell to me to answer this plea! Hesitating only a teensy bit, I headed to the Waffle Kingdom to invesigate. Oh, no, first, I wrote a note to myself about what I was cooking. Then I left. Once I reached the Waffle Kingsome, I met Minister Crepe, who filled me in. The Chestnut King had kidnapped Princess Eclair and vanished. Apparently, though, some oracle said a Mavelous Compass could locate her. This Marvelous Compass had been broken into several parts by an ancient curse... and those parts had been scattered across the land. Can you believe it, Bro? Each part of the Marvelous Compass was said to point to the next. And since one of the parts was embedded in the tiara worn by the princess... I surmised that once I collected all the parts, I'd find her. Smart, huh? The minister gave me the compass base spoken of in Waffle fables... When it activated, the entire thing lit right up, indicating the deep south... It was pointing me toward the Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent. So, yeah, here I am! I'm sailing out of Rogueport for Rumblebump Volcano.It's probably gonna be pretty dangerous, but... I gotta rescue that princess!

=== Part 2: Rumblebump Volcano ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as my ship docked on the Pudding Continent, I set out for the volcano. To reach my destination, I spent several days fording through dense jungle... Scary beasts were all over! More than once I thought I was done for, Bro! I may have screamed a bit. To scare them off, you know. But as fate would have it... A Blooper named Blooey heard me shrieking and found me in this one town. Blooey was on a journey of his own, but he joined me after hearing my tale. Now, Blooey's a madman. Back in his hometown, they call him 'White Torpedo'! Yeah, he's a tough guy. Anyway, he helped me fight to Rumplebumb Volcano. This place was all about bubbling lava pools and heat that'd make the sun sweat. AND, the place was lousy with evil traps designed to protect the compass piece. The scariest one of all was this gigantic, 100-foot-tall statue that stomped around. Now, the weakness of this giant statue, Bro, was a red gem on its forehead... Now, I can jump high, but not high enough to reach this thing by a long shot. So I came up with this plan for Blooey to hit that weak spot! 'All you, man!' I said! I waited for a pause in the statue's movements and hucked Blooey up there! And bull's-eye! The White Torpedo saved the day! That jewel got whacked! It was a critical hit, and that stone statue toppled and crumbled into pieces! Once that was done, it was an easy stroll to the room where the treasure was. Unfortunately, Princess Eclair was nowhere to be found... But I got another piece of the Marvelous Compass, and put it in the base... Now the compass pointed west, to Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent. So I set sails once again and came back here to Rogueport to recharge. That's what happened to me lately, but I'll be heading back out soon.

=== Part 3: Plumpbelly Village ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on his tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another...and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it, she was sorta cute, but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to rescue Princess Éclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it, Princess Éclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rogueport. And here I am!

=== Part 4: Circuit Break Island ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Break Island, we heard this incredible racket! We soon found out that they hold kart races almost every day on the island. Whoever takes first place gets to rule the island as King for that day. Just as we got to the race track, they were holding the awards ceremony... I couldn't believe my eye! Right there, on the trophy they gave to the winner... It was another piece of the Marvelous Compass! I almost dead passed away! I decided right then and there that the only thing to do was enter the next race. I mean, I've driven in karts before, so I thought I'd be OK. Boy, was I wrong. The karts were supercharged machines that could send you airborne with their exhaust! These vehicles were armed with missiles and bazookas... It was 'anything goes,' bro! Of course, I wanted to get out of there, pronto! These drivers were crazed! But I worked up my courage and signed up anyway. And my race day finally came... I got one of the best karts: the Big Green 01! I took my position at the start line... The light went green, I stomped the accelerator... and something bad happened. I was in reverse! The Big Green 01 went rocketing backwards with me yelling... I crashed into the wall behind me hard enough to cut me off midscream. In one fell swoop, I dropped into last place and wrecked my racing machine... But it wasn't all bad news: all the other karts crashed because of my manoeuver... Once I got in gear and took off, I was the only car left! I won by a country mile, bro! I took the piece off my trophy and added it to the Marvelous Compass... The compass came to life and pointed me toward Jazzafrazz Town in the east! Then I heard that voice! Princess Eclair's voice echoed in my ears again! Oh, my Princess! Random words would form poetry if spoken by your voice! I will most definitely save you! Just wait for me! Princess Éclair!! Oh! Sorry about that, Bro... umm... So, after that, I got back on my boat... And came back here to Rogueport. And that's what's been up with me.

=== Part 5: Jazzafrazz Town ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as we hit Jazzafrazz town, we were overcome by the glitz and the glamour. It's a very lively place, Bro. Tons of Dayzees live there, and they're always smiling! While looking for a piece of the Compass, I met a hip Dayzee named Hayzee. Hayzee was a producer, and he was looking for actors to go on stage with him. I told him we couldn't, since we were looking for the compass part, you know. But Hayzee said we could WIN the compass part in the upcoming Drama Slam! He said the so-called Dramalama Plaque might, in fact, be one of the parts! Well, we just had to give it a try, so we rehearsed with the cast and hit the stage! Our musical was called &quot;The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness&quot;. The script was great, but I got really hosed, Bro... My &quot;role&quot;... My &quot;part&quot;... Was grass! I played grass by the side of the road! Grass, Bro! Grass! I just sprawled out on the ground and had to be silent. Everyone but me had lines... I don't care if I was earning green! Who casts someone based on that? It was awful! In the end, our musical was the talk of the town, and we won the Drama Slam. I got the compass part I was after, but even that didn't make me very happy. The huge after-party just bummed me out more, so I snuck out the back door. But WOW! Outside were tons of fans! MY fans! Fans of grass! They swarmed me! I just couldn't believe it! Imagine! Cheering for grass! I was ecstatic, Bro! After that I added the piece to the Marvelous Compass, which pointed north. It pointed to the Rapturous Ruins in Grimble Forest. Then... The voice again... Oh, my cherished Princess Éclair! How you soothe me! I would be grass for you... I will find you! I will reach you! I will stand by your side and be your Luigi! Wow, sorry about that, Bro. umm... So, yeah, anyway... Then I got back on my boat. I came back to Rogueport, and here I am, another leg of my adventure completed!

=== Part 6: Rapturous Ruins ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' After journeying deep into the Grimble Forest, I found the domed Rapturous Ruins. Inside, everything was pure white. You couldn't tell where the floor became walls... Proceeding dead ahead, I found myself in a chamber where a young boy sat. As I approached the boy, someone named Screamy appeared out of nowhere! Screamy said the boy's name was Cranberry, and that he'd wake for a child of fate. That didn't make any sense to me, so I started searching quietly for the compass piece. But then it happened, Bro: I got a tiny tickle in my nose, and I let out a huge sneeze! Well, Cranberry must've heard it, 'cause he opened his eyes right up! He looked at me and smiled. And all of a sudden, I could understand his language! Can you believe it? I learned that the boy was the last of an ancient race, the Luffs... He had been there guarding the Marvelous Compass piece for the last thousand years! He told me that the compass is an item with the power to see into the future... The ancient Luff empire used the power of the compass to rule much of the world. Because of their greed, they were cursed by the compass, and their empire collapsed. To prevent a repeat of their fate, Cranberry broke the compass into seven parts. He hid six and kept one, putting himself to sleep until a worthy hero woke him. I WAS that hero, Bro! He gave it to me, and then he and the ruins vanished... When I added that piece to the compass... It pointed to the far north, where Dreaded Hatesong Tower stands. This time, I heard Princess Eclair's voice more clearly than ever before! I will rescue the Princess! I will be super! And then I'll... I'll... I'll... Well, I'll figure the rest out later. Anyway, I headed back here to Rogueport after that. I'm making my final preparations for my final battle now. I'm a little nervous, Bro. But that's what I've been up to, anyway!

=== Part 7: Hatesong Tower ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Hatesong Tower stands atop a jagged, unclimbable cliff beyond the northernmost sea. The winds whistle down the cliff, howling like banshees singing songs of hate... People say it's pretty much the scariest place in the world. And I had to go there. Blocking out the bone-chilling howls, I somehow managed to reach the tower's door. I was terrified, but thoughts of Princess Éclair warmed my heart and gave me power. All of my companions felt the same way. They were with me to the bitter end. The door to the tower swung slowly open to reveal an inconceivable darkness... I tried to call out Princess Eclair's name, but I couldn't even breathe because... As I strained my eyes in the darkness, I saw the most terrifying beast of all! The Chestnut King himself appeared before me! He was monstrous and drooling! Puddles of toxic goo dripped from his mouth, melting the very ground at our feet! I couldn't stop shaking, but I gritted my teeth and faced the evil beast dead-on! I dodged the king's fangs, jumped onto his chest, and gave him a hammer-whack! My swing split the air and crashed dead-center onto the Chestnut King's skull! Hope powered me up, Bro! I was going toe-to-toe with the king, and I was loving it! &quot;This is it&quot; I thought! I can win this! I'll risk it all on my next blow! I gripped my hammer tight and waited for my moment... The tension stung me... SHHHHHWHAAAAACK! The ocean winds raged against the tower windows! With that sound as my call to battle, I advanced with no mercy in my heart! And then... And then... ''[Long pause]'' I beat him. I defeated the Chestnut King. An even worse beast came next, a nightmare thing... but I beat it too. ''[Beat]'' I rescued Princess Éclair It was all over. And then I came back to Rogueport and had a light lunch. And that's about it. ''[Beat]'' Huh? You think there's more to the story than that?

=== Part 8: Super Luigi Book ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Actually, know what? This guy actually novelized my adventure! He's been interviewing me! He was actually interviewing me here at the inn during breaks from my adventure! I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading a book about Luigi... But &quot;Super Luigi&quot; came out recently, and check this out, Bro: Here in Rogueport... It's set a new record for consecutive weeks at number one on the best-seller list!!! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hooray for Luigi, Bro! I started reading it the other day, but it's an encyclopedic account in multiple volumes... Excruciating detail, Bro. It's like a history book! ...It seemed like one, anyway. They've got it in the shop here in Rogueport. How about you snag a copy, Bro?

== Grifty's Tales ==
=== Part 1: The Fearsome Demon ===
*Ages ago, a city flourished here in peace in splendor, but it was destroyed in a single day by a demon from the dark beyond. Historians claim a great calamity befell the city, but nay... 'twas a demon. The city sank below ground, and one-quarter of the old city became the demon's den. This demon put fear into the hearts of all men and sent out minions to take the land. And its den, its palace, grew rich with the treasures stolen from all over the world.

=== Part 2: The Crystal Stars ===
*In order to increase its already formidable power the demon created Crystal Stars to hold the essence of the heavens. One of these stars was placed in each country to exert the demon's influence. One of the castles built to contain these stars still stands near Petal Meadows.

=== Part 3: Dragons and Dungeons ===
*The demon built a dungeon near its palace and filled it with terrifying monsters. All those who fell into disfavor were thrown into this dungeon to rot. Yea, and the demon also had three dragon pets: Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. These dragons flew across the land, spreading fear and sorrow over all. Even now, the mere mention of a dragon is enough to give some the terrors...

=== Part 4: The Hero Who Arose ===
*One day, there came a hero who could vanquish the fell demon. The young Toad from Petal Meadows was strong of arm, but shy of voice. All those around the boy teased him endlessly about the way he spoke. But when the demon cast his fearful gaze across the lands and reached out, the young Toad used strength and honor to defend his people and he became a hero to all, despite his odd voice.

=== Part 5: The Wise Goomba ===
*There was a wise Goomba from Boggly Woods gifted in knowledge of the world. When beasts rose to take the woods, this knowledge helped the people fight them. And the Goomba, who knew the way that every monster would attack, she began to think of a way to banish all monsters from the land...

=== Part 6: The Stalwart Koopa ===
*A Koopa who traveled the world alone learned of the darkness covering the land. He went alone wherever evil dwelt and banished it with shell and sheer bravado. The monsters grew to fear this scar-riddled Koopa who thwarted them at every turn. But the brave Koopa was finally taken in a trap set for him by the monsters. But then, a Boo who fought with the monsters came and used her magic to free him. The brave Koopa's spirit melted the heart of the cold Boo lass...

=== Part 7: The Four Heroes ===
*The Boo used her powerful magic to learn more about the evil they faced. &quot;We cannot destroy this darkness alone&quot; she decided, her face a grim mask. &quot;We need the Toad hero of Petal Meadows and the wise Goomba of Boggly Woods.&quot; The Boo's magic drew the four heroes together to send the demon from the world. And so, the four heroes finally set out to the Palace of Shadow...

=== Part 8: The Duel With the Demon ===
*The power of the world-devouring demon was more powerful than any could imagine, but the wise Goomba soon realized that this was the power of the Crystal Stars. She thought of a way to take the stars and use them against the demon. She told the other heroes her plan and set it in motion, banishing their fears. The Boo's magic and the Toad's strength created a gap in the demon's defenses. At that moment, the brave Koopa seized the stars and succeeded in badly damaging the demon...

=== Part 9: The Demon Sealed Within ===
*But even the brave Koopa's stroke was not enough to end the demon's reign. The wise Goomba thought of another use for the Crystal Stars in that dire hour. She suggested sealing the demon forever with the Crystal Stars. All agreed. The heroes matched their strengths with the power of the Crystal Stars and they successfully sealed the demon's soul within the deepest part of the palace. Together they made it out so that only all seven stars could break the seal...

=== Part 10: The Demon's Curse ===
*The four heroes thought they had sealed away the demon and all its power, but the demon used a tiny opening before the seal was complete to curse them all. While holding the Crystal Stars, they felt nothing, but when they let them go a black box would appear to seal their souls within. The four heroes travelled the world, scattering the stars so the seal would remain. But the last four stars carried the curse, which claimed each hero...

=== Part 11: The Great Tree and Punies ===
*The hiding places of many of the crystal stars have now faded into legend but some say that the wise Goomba hid one in the Great Tree. At that time, many monsters wandered in the nearby Boggly Woods. The tiny Punies were always tormented by their fierce appetites, it was said. Pitying them, the Goomba hollowed out the Great Tree for the Punies to live in. The Punies were so grateful they swore to protect the Crystal Star there...

=== Part 12: The Boo Heroine's Last Days ===
*Once the Boo heroine hid her star in a steeple, she was trapped in the nearby town. Some say the Crystal Star lies in that steeple still.

=== Part 13: The Pirate King Cortez ===
*The Koopa hero went to a southern isle to hide his star where none would find it. But the Koopa was so tired from his journey that the pirate Cortez stole it easily. In that very instant, the Koopa was trapped in an inescapable chest. But Cortez did not realize the power of the star and lost it among his treasures...

=== Part 14: The Toad Hero's Final Days ===
*The strong Toad held his star and continued his arduous journey. But eventually the miles took their toll upon him and he collapsed. A traveling healer happened by and saved his life but the Toad knew his fate was to be trapped in the box when the star was gone. So he asked the healer to hide the star in a secret place known to no one...

=== Part 15: All Becomes Legend ===
*After the demon was sealed within the Palace of Shadow, many refused to come near that place of terror. But as the years passed, entire generations forgot and the penniless and the immoral began to congregate in this once-barren place. This place soon became a populous harbor, the town of Rogueport, and some even began to say that the underground city held a legendary treasure. But they were unaware the demon slept beneath them still...

=== Part 16: The Magical Map ===
*The heroes knew the seal might not last forever and they sought to make the Crystal Stars available to one who might need them. So, before going to their individual dooms, they made a map to all the stars. And to prevent an evil force from misusing this map they placed it in a box that could only be opened by the pure of heart.

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}

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'''''{{w|Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door}}''''' (or '''''Paper Mario and the 1,000-Year Door'''''), originally released in Japan in 2004 as '''''Paper Mario RPG''''', originally known as '''''Mario Story 2''''' in Japan and '''''Paper Mario 2''''' in North America, is a [[w:role-playing game|role-playing game]] for the {{w|Nintendo GameCube}}, the second game in the ''[[w:Paper Mario|Paper Mario]]'' series. The 1,000-Year Door is set in the town of [[Rogue]][[w:port|port]], built atop an ancient ruins containing a mysterious [[door]], where Mario soon finds himself after the princess disappears on a [[w:treasure hunt|treasure hunt]].

== Paper Bowser ==
* Pbbbthbtth! Am I Mario's baby-sitter? I don't care what he's doing! Are you going to call me every time that guy blows his nose, or what? Sheesh!
* You got it, Haggy!
* (Thinking) It's Hag Vs. Hag! Awesome!
* Word on the street was that some mustached doofus was in Glitzville... and lookee here! Talk about perfect timing! And now all these folks get to watch me murdalize you!

== Professor Frankly ==
* I must research this more. Assuming will just make an... Well, you know the saying.

== Partners ==

=== Goombella ===
* Omigosh! Is… Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!
* So, Hooktail Castle, huh? Well... it sure is ominous, that's for sure.
* Well, no doubt about it: This is Glitzville! Can you believe it actually floats? Well, let's get to it, huh, Mario? Let's find that Crystal Star as fast as we can!
* Woah, totally AWESOME! Check it out, Mario! Someone's about to catch a beating up there!
* They... Those total COWARDS! Those chickens attacked us before the bell rang! Oh, that is IT! Come on! We aren't losing to punks like them! Let's waste 'em!
* What did you expect, huh? We rock!
* What?!? You... were in that cute little eggy-weggy? Whoa! That's wild!
* Omigosh! That cake must've totally been poisoned! Boy, if we'd eaten it... that'd be us on the floor!
* Wow! That was Bowser, right? Jeepers, who woulda thought he'd show his face HERE?
* What?!? What?!? What?!? Omigosh, WHAT'S going on?!?
* Oh, the bell rang, Mario! That means someone's gonna... Whew... At least it's not me this time.
* Huh? The gatekeeper's gone... No, not gone! He turned into a pig! Well, not to be insensitive, but that works out for us. We can just cruise through!
* Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!
* What IS that gross thing?  ...No! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario! Let's hurry up and find the Poshley Sanctum that the professor was talking about!
* Wow! That was KILLER! I totally never would've guessed I'd get to do THAT!
* Ugh... This place is freaky... but we don't have a choice, Mario! We've gotta get in there and save Peach before this gets out of hand! C'mon, Mario!
* What? This is totally unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was hairy. At least we settle THAT nut's hash. Now let's save Peach, OK, Mario?
* What?!? Where's Grodus?!?
* Never, ever give up! That's the most important thing I've learned from you, Mario.

=== Koops ===
* OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
* Oh, man... Hooktail Castle... The stories were all true... This place is TERRIFYING...
* X-Nauts? Sounds like tissues... to the extreme or something.
* Boy! This just isn't right. Let's do something before my claustrophobia sets in...
* Ummm... Yeah, this would be Glitzville, all right... How do they make it float? I mean, it hasn't ever, you know, plunged from the sky or anything, has it? Time to hunt down that Crystal Star, huh, Mario? I know I'm ready!
* Wow! This place is so cool! Hey, Mario, look up there! There's a battle match going on right now!
* Hey! That's no fair! You can't attack before the bell rings! That's cheating! Come on, Mario! We can't let a bunch of cheaters beat us. Let's take them down!
* We... won? Cool!
* Ummm... WHAT?!? You hatched out of that egg? That's nuts. So you're a Yoshi, huh?
* Umm... Was that King Bowser? What was he doing here? That... kinda freaks me out.
* Whoa. Is that what plumbers do? I had no idea, man. Wow.
* Wow! Grubba got... really big! That isn't good!
* What IS that thing? ...Hey! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Um... OK, this place is scary... but I guess we don't have a choice, huh? We have to power through and save Peach before things get out of hand! Let's go, Mario!

=== Flurrie ===
* My! Such wonderful drama! I imagine we have to do something now, don't we?
* My, my, my! Glitzville! I've heard that the Glitz Pit is just full of brawny brawls! I must admit the prospect of some hurly-burly gets me a touch piqued! Now, darling, let's find that Crystal Star, hmmm?
* What sort of base cowards attack before the match officially begins? Honestly! Come on, Mario, darling! We shan't lose to lowlifes! Let's teach them a lesson!
* Why, you little rapscallion! You hatched from that egg? Well, aren't you precious!
* I should like to request that we ''never'' do that again.
* We're finally here, dear! Let's waste no time finding that Poshley Sanctum that Frankly spoke of.
* My, what an unpleasant place... but I suppose we have no choice! We must go onward and save Peach before this situation spirals beyond out control! Let's move on, darling!

=== Paper Yoshi Kid ===
* Yow! Grubba got huge!
* Gonzales! Check me out! Thanks to you, I hatched safe and sound! Thanks, man!
* Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How'd that floor taste?
* Wow! That was the king of the Koopas, wasn't it? WOW! That guy's insane!
* Well, she took off, huh? What was that kiss like? I gotta get me one of those... Hey, but what do you think she meant about somebody being upstairs, huh?
* Was that cake poisoned? Yeah! It must've been! If we'd eaten it, we'd be all banged up like that guy!
* Dude, I have SO much respect for plumbers now!
* Whoa! That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! What's going on in this weirdo town?
* Whoa! The bell rang, Mario! Doesn't that mean someone's gonna... Boy... I'm psyched it wasn't my turn to get pigged.
* Whoa! The gate guy's gone! ...Oops! Nope! Not gone! The stubborn dude's a pig! Well, hey, that's actually pretty sweet for us! No pig's gonna get in our way!
* Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
* Gee... What a downer. I guess that's a pretty good reason for hating the ocean...
* Aw, yeah, the Excess Express! This is so deluxe, man! The three days to Poshley Heights are gonna be over just like THAT!
* Ah, morning of a new day! I love it! It's so cool and brisk, too! I love THAT!
* What IS that gnarly thing? ...Whoa! Gonzales, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We finally made it, Gonzales! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum place that the prof was talking about, huh?
* Whoa! That was AWESOME! Man, who knew adventurers got to do stuff like THAT!
* ...We got it, TEC.
* Gonzales! That tears it, man! We just gotta save Peach! For TEC, too!
* Whoa! You hear something just then?
* Whoa, this place is nasty... but we don't have a choice! We've gotta cruise through and save Peach before this whole cataclysm happens! C'mon, Gonzales!
* Man, we clear one freaky room just to find another... This area is almost like an underground city, huh? What IS this place?
* Let's leave these wusses, Gonzales...
* Hoooo... That was a doozy. At least we rocked that guy's world, am I right? Now, let's save Peach!
* Whoa!!! Where's Grodus?!?

=== Vivian ===
* Your name and body were stolen? Oh, well I guess that happens from time to time.
* Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
* I can't imagine what that poor man went through... No wonder he won't sail...
* Wow! The Excess Express! This is really nice, Mario! The three days to Poshley Heights are going to seem like nothing!
* Ah, it's a new day! And what a cool and brisk morning!
* What IS that nasty thing? ...Oh! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario. There's no time to waste, so let's find the Poshley Sanctum, like the professor said.
* Gee whiz! That was wild! I never thought I'd take a ride like THAT...
* We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Yes! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Uh, but... We still don't know where Peach is...
* Oh, Mario! We have to save Peach... for TEC, too!
* Did you hear something just then?
* Uh... This place is unsettling... but we have no choice! We have to get in there and save Peach before things get any more out of control! Let's go, Mario!
* We get out of one strange room just to find another... It's so big... It's almost like an underground city... What IS this place?
* What? This is unbelievable! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was TOO close! At least we can close THAT chapter, though, right? Now, let's save Peach!

=== Admiral Bobbery ===
* We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be to keen on seeing us again, eh?
* Harumph! The Excess Express! Rather posh, I must say! Yes, rather posh indeed! The three days to Poshley Heights ought to pass in an eyeblink, eh, old boy?
* What IS that rank thing? ...Horrors!  Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We've made it, old boy! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum that Professor Frankly spoke of, posthaste!
* Harumph! Well, that was rather a bumpy trip, wot wot! Who would've guessed I'd get to do such a thing...
* This place is rather ugly... but we haven't a choice in the matter, old boy! We must get in there and save Peach before this hullabaloo goes any further! Let's go, dear boy!
* Well now, it seems we get past one dodgy room only to find another... This region is rather like an underground city, hm? What IS this place?
* What? This is rather unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Whew... Rather close, hm? At least we've settled that burly bloke's account, old boy. Now, let's save Peach!
* Hm?!? Where's Grodus?!?

=== Ms. Mowz ===
* I can't believe there are other thieves here besides me. How very strange...
* Mmmm... the Excess Express! Now this is what I call travelling in style! The three days to Poshley heights will be over before we know it, dearie!
* Mmm, the beginning of a new day... And such a cool and brisk morning, as well!
* What IS that vile thing? ...Oh, no! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Oh, my! That was quite fun! I can't say I ever thought I'd take a ride like THAT!
* What an unpleasant place... but we don't have a choice in the matter! We have to get in there and save Peach before this gets any more out of hand! Let's go, dearie!
* What? This isn't very fair! All this and Bowser, too?!?

== Villains ==
*'''Doopliss''': So, you figured it out by now, right, Slick? Your body and name belong to me now!
*'''Lord Crump''': And with that... pow! I'm gone!
*'''Sir Grodus''': Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
*'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! I'm gonna turn you guys into wee seeds... Wait, that's not right. I'll turn you into SEAWEED! Buh huh! Enjoy!
*'''Shadow Queen''': You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me.

==Other characters==
*'''TEC''': I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may.
*'''Cotrtez''': I'll turn your mustache into a bone-polisher, amigo!
*'''Rawk Hawk''': Rawk out, Great Gonzales!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! Listen to me, Gonzales! Anybody who's beat me is not ALLOWED to lose!!!
*'''Blooey''': Hey there, I'm Blooey. ...And this guy [Luigi] is a total liar! Don't listen to him! You heard his story, right? Well, he did TRY to throw me, but he completely tripped! And what happens? I end up landing in lava! LAVA, man! You think that feels good? Thanks to him, you can stick a fork in me! I'm well-done! My pale skin's crispified! I'll NEVER forgive this guy! I'm gonna make him pay if it takes my whole lifetime! That's the ONLY reason I'm still hanging around with him. YOU'LL PAY, LUIGI!
*'''Jerry''': It is now my goal in life to keep this guy from ever dressing as a woman again.

== Dialogue ==

=== Prologue ===
:'''Goombella''': Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!
:'''Lord Crump''': Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right, NOW!
:'''Goombella''': Never! I don't have anything to say to you creeps! EWW!
:'''Lord Crump''': I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise... Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand to our fortress!
:'''X-Naut''': As you command, Lord Crump! We're on it!
:'''Goombella''': N-no! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

:'''Paragoomba''': Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!?
:'''Goombella''': Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!
:'''Goomba''': Ouch! That was cold!
:'''Paragoomba''': What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let's get 'em!

=== Chapter 1 - Castle and Dragon ===
*'''Koops''': Umm... excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!! ''[Walks up to Mario]'' Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. ''[Long pause]'' Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye. ''[Turns to leave]''
:'''Goombella''': Ooookay... That was weird... What do you think ''that'' was all about? Talk about issues!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koops''': Oh... Golly... Umm... Hi... Hi, Koopie... Koopie Koo... Did you overhear all that?
:'''Koopie Koo''': Well, part of it. Koops... I THOUGHT I heard you say you're off to fight Hooktail... But... you're joking, right? I mean, you're not exactly a powerhouse... He'll eat you up!
:'''Koops''': I know, Koopie Koo. But I want to be tougher. For you... So I have to do this...
:'''Koopie Koo''': No, Koops, you don't. I mean, going off to some dangerous place? It's... It's stupid. So what if you're timid? And sort of a crybaby. I don't care about all that. I just want you to be you. So, don't go...
:'''Koops''': Sorry, Koopie Koo. I've made up my mind. No need to worry, though! After all, I'm travelling with Mario. He's the man!
:'''Koopie Koo''': FINE! IGNORE ME! ''[Shell spins past Mario and Koops twice]'' STUBBORN KOOPA!!!
:'''Koops''': I'm sorry, Koopie Koo... I swear to you... I will come back to you a stronger Koopa! ''[Mario turns to him]'' Well, Mario, that's that, I guess. No turning back now! Hooktail's castle awaits!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koopley''': ''(Emerging from Hooktail's mouth)'' YAAAAAAAAH! I'm out! I'm finally out!
:'''Koops''': WHOA! It... It can't be!
:'''Koopley''': Eh?
:'''Koops''': Da... DAD?!? ''(Walks over to Koopley)''
:'''Koopley''': Hey! You're... You're Koops! Hey, Son! You've gotten so big since I saw you last!
:'''Koops''': Well, yeah, I guess I have... But who cares, Dad? I mean, golly! What happened to you? Where've you been all this time?
:'''Koopley''': Well, I came here a while back to deal with Hooktail, and all was well and good... But just before my finishing blow, he played a trick on me and gobbled me down whole. I've been hiding in my shell for the ten years since then... inside Hooktail's belly! And boy, was it nasty! Yuck! I'm so glad to finally get out! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Koops''': Honestly, Dad... Don't you know how worried about you we all were? For ten long years we all thought you'd... you know! We thought your game was over!
:'''Koopley''': Oh, sorry, Son, but... I'm OK! That's good, right? We're together now, right? Hey, speaking of which... What are you doing here, anyway?
:'''Koops''': Oh, come on, Dad... I came here to defeat Hooktail, who's been wreaking havoc in town. And Mr. Mario here is looking for a gem called the Crystal Star.
:'''Koopley''': ...Crystal Star? This wouldn't be what you're talking about, would it? ''(Produces the Diamond Star)''
:'''Koops''': What's THAT?
:'''Koopley''': I found it down there in Hooktail's belly. Nice, huh? I kept it as a souvenir. So... this is the thing you're looking for? Perfect! Just perfect! You can have it! Come now! I won't take no for an answer. You're Koops's friend. Please take it!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''X-Naut''': O great, exalted Grodus! We brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!
:'''Grodus''': Well, well, well, my pet... Isn't it about time you told us where the map is? Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.
:'''Paper Princess Peach''': I'm telling you, I don't know.
:'''Grodus''': There's no point in trying to hide it, silly girl. We know you had it. We KNOW this. Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
:'''Paper Peach''': ...
:''[A screen showing an X-Naut comes up]''
:'''X-Naut 2''': Grodus, sir! I have news!
:'''Grodus''': Report at once.
:'''X-Naut 2''': You know that Crystal Star we thought maybe Hooktail had? Well, someone nabbed it.
:'''Grodus''': What? WHAT did you say? Someone else is after the Crystal Stars? And he defeated that Hooktail creature, you say? SPEAK, soldier!
:'''X-Naut 2''': Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. There's more, too. See, according to the report... it was a mustached dude in a red hat and blue overalls who pulled the job.
:'''Peach''': Mario!
:'''Grodus''': Excuse me? Mario?
:'''Peach''': Oh no!
:'''Grodus''': Gaack ack ack ack ack! I see... So you know of this Mario, do you? Hmmm... This fool matters not at all. I'll know all about him before long, that I promise. I grow bored of talking. Take Princess Peach back to the holding room.
:'''X-Naut''': Yessir!
:'''Grodus''': And men! Take good care of Princess Peach. Understand? She is not to be harmed.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir!
:''[The X-Nauts lead Peach away]''
:'''Grodus''': Well, Lord Crump. If this Mario character has the map, then it's highly likely he'll find the Crystal Star we're hunting in the Boggly Woods. You must return there immediately and hasten the excavation. It must not fail.
:'''Lord Crump''': Whuzzat?!? Oh, yeah, sure! Roger, Grodus! And with that... Pow! I'm gone! ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I wonder if sending Lord Crump there alone is wise... He is a bit... out there... Hmmm... X-Naut! I summon you!
:''[X-Naut enters]''
:'''X-Naut''': You rang, dude? I mean, sir? You rang, sir, Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Shut up. Go get the Shadow Sirens over here.
:'''X-Naut''': The Sh-Shadow Sirens, sir? But they...
:'''Grodus''': I don't care how you planned to end that sentence, fool Go get them. Now.
:'''X-Naut''': Gotcha! ''[Leaves]''

*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach.
:'''Paper Peach''': Huh? What? Who said that? Where are you?
:'''TEC''': How amusing. I am right here, before your eyes. I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may. Sir Grodus created me to be a perfect computer, one that is flawless in its reason.
:'''Paper Peach''': Grodus... Wait, he's that awful dome-headed thing that interrogated me, right?
:'''TEC''': Sir Grodus is not awful. He is a very great person. He is marvelous.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, I don't think so. But I doubt I'll change your mind... So, I'm wondering... Why did you lead me in here?
:'''TEC''': I am unsure. An unusual program deviation occurred when I observed you earlier. My higher-brain circuitry malfunctioned and nearly overheated at your image. Also, an unidentified impulse sped through my processors. These events are new to me. There is more to this phenomenon, as well. I ran diagnostic programs... and their solution was... I want to know more about you. I want to observe you. Such a compulsion has no precedence. Cause unknown. I, the perfect computer... I must diagnose this unusual situation. I will not fail. That is why I led you here.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait... Did you just say... You want to observe me? ...To know more about me? ''[Gasps]'' Could it be that you... No! Impossible! It can't be. You're a computer...
:'''TEC''': What has happened to me? If you know my malfunction, you must tell me of it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh, I couldn't, really... Because... &lt;small&gt;..it's just too weird.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': Please tell me. Please. I am the world's best computer. I am perfect. There should not be anything that I do not understand. Please.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, you know, maybe... Is it possible that, well... you're... in love... &lt;small&gt;...with me?&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': &quot;Love&quot;? What is &quot;love&quot;? I cannot compute this.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait, you don't know what love is? Love... How do I explain? Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smiling... having fun. When you love someone, you will do anything to help when he or she is in trouble.
:'''TEC''': Happiness? Fun...? I have definitions for these words, but... My programming is insufficient. There should be nothing I cannot comprehend. I am a perfect computer.
:'''Paper Peach''': &quot;Comprehend&quot; love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it.
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach... Will you teach me to feel this thing you call &quot;love&quot;?
:'''Paper Peach''': What? You're a computer! Why would you care about love?
:'''TEC''': I am perfect. There must be nothing that I cannot comprehend. Nothing. That is why you must help me understand this thing called &quot;love.&quot; Please.

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser! Terrible news! Some bold fool abducted Princess Peach in Rogueport!
:'''Paper Bowser''': HUHHH-WWWHHAAATTT?!? Tell me you're lying, Kammy! How? When? WHERE? Who'd do such a thing? Besides me?
:'''Kammy''': I'm afraid we don't have that information quite yet... The investigation's ongoing. One thing is most certainly confirmed, however: the princess has been kidnapped.
:'''Paper Bowser''': Under NO circumstances is ANYONE allowed to kidnap her without MY say-so!!! I will NOT stand for this! I'm going to Rogueport, NOW! I've gotta kidnap her back!

=== Chapter 2 - The Great Boggly Tree ===
*'''Punio''': Elder!
:'''Puni Elder''': Punio! Is that you? You're looking well.
:'''Punio''': Why are you so calm, Elder? You're trapped! And this is our daring rescue of you!
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, a rescuing, is it? Well, thanks, I suppose. Those are quite exciting, but... I think you ought to help the other Punies before you rescue me.
:'''Punio''': Where are the others?
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[As Petuni speaks]'' Hrmmmmmmm... Let me think... Where was I? Ah. Yes. Right. Your question. The rest of the Punies...
:'''Petuni''': Big brother, is that my Punio!?!
:'''Punio''': ''[Runs over to where Petuni is]'' Petuni, thank heavens! You're here, you're safe!
:'''Petuni''': I knew you'd come for me, Punio! I just KNEW it!
:'''Punio''': Of course I would, dear sister! And I've brought us a mighty ally! Look at him! We're going to get you out of there right away, I swear. You just hold tight a second.
:'''Petuni''': OK!
:'''Punio''': ''[Turns to Mario]'' Mario, listen... we've got to find the cell key or we're going nowhere!

*'''Punio''': Elder! We're back! We're here to rescue you!
:'''Puni Elder''': FOOLISH CHILD! Punio! Sit down this instant and keep your mouth shut!
:'''Punio''': Huh? What? Why? What did I do? Uh... Listen, Elder, I don't know why you're mad, but we came here to help you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Stop your mumbling, you! And mind your elders! You whelp! How could abandon your poor sister and run off like that... Absolutely shameful!
:'''Punio''': But... But, Elder... I just went to find help... To help rescue you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, stop with the whining! You never interrupt an elder mid-lecture! NEVER! You wonder why the other Punies call you a &quot;doofus&quot; sometimes? That's why. And your time to be a doofus is over, because you have to lead our Puni tribe one day! That day is not far off! ...And THAT is why you need to listen! Now, first of all...
:''[Several hours later...]''
:'''Puni Elder''': ...Or else! You got that? From now on, you've got to get your act together, Punio!
:'''Punio''': Yes, Elder. Yes, I understand.
:'''Puni Elder''': Bah! Only answer ONCE! ...But say, by the way, why are you here, anyway?
:'''Punio''': Uh, I was just telling you... We came to rescue everyone. We started with you, Elder.
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Is that so? Well, good! In that case, get me out of here already! Criminy! This cell is cold, which isn't good for the old back, and there's this damp stench... ''[Leaves the cell]''
:'''Punio''': Uh... Well, there she goes... Enough standing around! ''[Runs to Petuni's cell]'' Just you wait, Petuni! I'll be right back for you!
:'''Petuni''': OK, big brother! I'll be waiting!

*'''Puni Elder''': You won't be going any farther this a-way!
:'''Lord Crump''': What?!? Are you nuts? Move it, you old geezer!
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[Enlarges]'' WHAT?!? Did you just call me an &quot;old geezer&quot;? Where do you get off, talking like that? You got no respect, brat! Don't think my age has a thing to do with my might! Even if it kills me, I won't let you through! I'm ready! ELDER POWER ACTIVATE!
:'''Lord Crump''': Whoa. What's your problem, gramma? You got an ear hair tickling your brain, or what?
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Ooh! What the... OUCH! ...Can't... take... another.. step... Ooooog... ''[Her back cracks]'' What a time for my stupid back to start acting up!
:'''Lord Crump''': You hotheaded old coot! You dare defy me? I could shine my boots with you!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach. I am glad you came.
:'''Paper Peach''': That mail I sent to Mario... Did it reach him all right?
:'''TEC''': Yes. I can confirm that Mario received the mail.
:'''Paper Peach''': Is that so? Well, good... So what do you want from me today? Is there more you want to know of love?
:'''TEC''': You expressed regret earlier that you would not be able to dance at a ball, correct?
:'''Paper Peach''': Ex-CUSE me?!? Were you eavesdropping?
:'''TEC''': I am sorry, Princess Peach. I have been ordered to keep surveillance on you. But... it is odd... When you said that, I had an impulse to dance with you as well. How my CPU would produce this impulse is inexplicable. I must find what caused it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Find out what caused it? There's no reason behind such a feeling, TEC. Wanting to do something together... It's part of love. {{small|I know it.}} But then again... You are... well... a computer...
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach. Please dance with me.
:'''Peach''': Wait... Wait just a minute! What... am I supposed to do? You say you want to dance? It's just so... bizarre... I mean, how in the world can I dance with you? You have no arms. Or feet. Or moves.
:'''TEC''': Would this be an acceptable dance substitute?
:''[A hologram of Paper Peach appears]''
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh my goodness! Is that me? Did you create that? ......Oh, all right, I guess. I must say, though, it's going to feel weird, dancing with myself...

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Bowser''': I've found you, my Princess. I, Bowser, the mighty Koopa king, offer my greeting!
:'''&quot;Peach&quot;''': .............
:'''Bowser''': Now, now! None of that silent treatment! You're coming to my castle with me!
:'''Kammy''': Mweh heh heh! Clearly she's so overcome with joy that she's been left speechless! The mind of a maiden is, well, rather... complicated. Mweh heh heh heh heh!
:'''Bowser''': Gra ha ha ha ha ha ha! I see! I see! How refined! How elegant! Awesome! I suppose I could live with a silent princess! It might even have its perks, you know?
:'''Koopa''': NOOOOOO! My... My life's treasure! I'd rather die than give up my life-sized Peach poster! ''[Rolls up his poster and runs inside the house]''
:'''Bowser''': P-POSTER???
:'''Kammy''': Oh, my goodness me... Didn't see that coming...
:'''Bowser''': Great. Just great. Now I look like the huge, mighty king of GUYS WHO TALK TO POSTERS!

=== Chapter 3 - Of Glitz and Glory ===
*'''Rawk Hawk''': That's right! Unh! I think it's about time for you to FEEL THE RAAAAAWK! ''[Defeats the Koopinator]'' Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!
:'''Grubba''': Hooooo-WEEEEEE! CHAMP! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharhar! ''[Holds up the champion's belt]''

*'''Jolene''': Well, here we are. This is your locker room. You're starting in the minor league, of course, as you've just now started your career. If you don't like this dingy room, I suggest you work your way through the ranks.

*'''Rawk Hawk''': Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... ''[Turns around and sees Mario]'' It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales! Man, I came all the way over her for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!
:'''&quot;Yoshi Kid&quot;''': ''[Mario realises something and turn to him]'' What's your deal, Gonzales, huh? Oh! The champ's belt... ''[Walks over to look]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': What in the... Hey! You! Get too close to the Hawk and you might get RAWKED!
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird. I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! ''[Mario agrees]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Hey, you think you can just smack-talk the Rawk Hawk? I DON'T THINK SO! You got some guts, calling my belt a fake, you shrimpy, no-belt-having wimps! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?!?
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Stop making fun of me, punk! You're alive ONLY 'cause we ain't in the ring right now! If I see you under those lights, I'll tear you apart! Remember the RAWWWWWWK! ''[Leaves]''

==== Peach interlude ====
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Disguised as an X-Naut]'' Excuse me... Sir Grodus?
:'''Grodus''': Yes, what is it? Speak!
:'''Paper Peach''': Er, well... It's about Princess Peach... What do you plan to do with her going forward?
:'''Grodus''': Hmmmmmm? Something is wrong with your voice, X-Naut.
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Gulps]''
:'''Grodus''': Perhaps I have a throat lozenge... No. Well, never mind. Oh, about Princess Peach? I have no interest in what that woman has to say. Just keep her locked in the room. But don't ever, EVER treat her roughly. You understand? Tell the others as well.
:'''Peach''': But... Uh, why... Why in the world are we keeping her here, then?
:'''Grodus''': That's none of your business! Don't forget your place, you impudent worm! Concentrate on getting the legendary treasure! That is all I require of you. We X-Nauts need that treasure to conquer the world! Don't forget it!
:'''Paper Peach''': Conquer... the world? Legendary... treasure?
:'''Grodus''': What are you blathering about now? Hmmmmm... something IS odd about you...
:'''Paper Peach''': N... No... Nothing odd! Uh, so... roger, or whatever. P-please excuse me. ''[Leaves]''

==== Bowser interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Stupid, cheating Mario... Who would've thought that fool would be in Glitzville...
:'''Kammy''': Did you say something, your Rudeness?
:'''Paper Bowser''': Uh, no! Nothing at all, as far as you know! Hey! Did you see those little bite-size shrimps? What were those things?
:'''Kammy''': Those were some Punies. One of them should know about the Crystal Star... They fear you, so they're all hiding. Let's find them all and get the info we need.

=== Chapter 4 - For Pigs the Bell Tolls ===
*'''Freddy:''' Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... This is so awful... Who could it be now? ''[Turns into a pig]''

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee... Yes... This time we'll take that Mario and get his map! With this Superbomb here, there's no way we can fail. No, not likely...
:'''Marilyn:''' Guhhhh...
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian! Hand me that glorious Superbomb!
:'''Vivian:''' Huh?
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian... Don't you dare... Does that &quot;Huh?&quot; mean what I think it does?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I never had it! You were holding it just two seconds ago! You said it was too important to trust me with!
:'''Beldam:''' Oh, you terrible LIAR! Stop making up stories to cover for yourself! If I don't have it, then OBVIOUSLY you must have it! And OBVIOUSLY you lost it! Or... are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lollygagging worm?
:'''Vivian:''' I... No, of course not, Beldam...
:'''Beldam:''' Well, we can't do much without it, now can we?!? Oh, you are SUCH an idiot... Very well... I'm sure you must have dropped it around here somewhere... So why don't you go look for it while Marilyn and I go take a well-earned siesta. And if you don't find it... Well, you know what'll happen, don't you?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I get punished...
:'''Beldam:''' That's right, you little twit, so get cracking! Come, Marilyn. Let's leave this useless little fool to her chore.
:'''Marilyn:''' Guh-huh...
:''[Beldam and Marilyn leave]''

==== Bowser Interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Haaaack... Oooooooog... A-CHOO! That was terrible... I gotta get into shape...
:'''Paper Bob-Omb''': Who's...? WAAAAUGH!!! It's Bowser, the Koopa king!!!
:'''Green Paper Toad''': He'll eat us!
:'''Orange Paper Toad''': Someone help!
:''[The townsfolk run as Kammy flies in with Glitzville merchandise]''
:'''Kammy''': THERE you are, Lord Bowser! What are you doing here? I've been looking all over! If I may ask, where have you been, Your Sogginess?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ...Swimming.
:'''Kammy''': Really? Neat! As for me... Glitzville was FANTASTIC! The fights were SO COOL! I was overcome! Why, even at my age, I was shaking what my momma gave me! And then... the Hot Dogs! Oh, my gracious! YUMMERLY! You have fun, too? Hm?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ... GRAAARGH!!! ''[Breathes fire on Kammy]''
:'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser... Is that a &quot;no&quot;?
:'''Paper Bowser''': It was terrible! You hear me? I swallowed a dang blooper! I wanted to have FUN! But forget it! It's over! Go get me some solid info on Princess Peach and the Crystal Stars! NOW!!!

=== Chapter 5 - The Key to Pirates ===
*'''Flavio''': And what about you, Squinty? You turned to jelly when you saw all those ghosts!
:'''Pa-Patch''': What are you talkin' 'bout?!? You were the one quakin' in 'is boots, fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': ...wait. Wait one moment. Did... Did you just call the great Flavio &quot;fancy pants&quot;?
:'''Pa-Patch''': That's right, fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': Why, you little CYCLOPS! Flavio demands satisfaction! You! Me! Hammers! At dawn!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, that's right fine by me! I can't wait to put a few dents in those fancy threads!

*'''Cortez''': NOOOOOOOO! My treasure! ''[Shrinks]'' I am done for... ''[Grows again]'' Yohohohohohohoho! You are foolish, amigo! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead... but my spirit endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!
:''[Mario raises his arm]''
:'''Cortez''': What? You are not even interested in my treasure?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': Then why are you here?
:''[Mario indicates the Sapphire Star in Cortez's treasure pile]''
:'''Cortez''': Huh?!? You want this, amigo?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': This little rock over here? Are you serious? Well, that's no big deal... Here, take it. What do I need one or two extra gems for? I did not really like that one, anyway. ''[Gives Mario the Sapphire Star]''

*'''Flavio''': Ah, Mario! Welcome back to you, my stalwart captain! So... have you found the treasure? How is our little expedition faring, hm?
:''[Paper Mario speaks]''
:'''Pa-Patch''': What?!? The spirit o' Cortez was guardin' the treasure? An' you beat 'im, but you left all the treasure there?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! What were you THINKIN'?!? Were you tryin' to be NICE?!? Awww, well... That's what I like about you, I guess...

*'''Four-Eyes''': So sorry to surprise you... No, wait... No need for that fake politeness anymore... Good job getting the Crystal Star! Oh, yeah! Seriously! Good job getting it for ME!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, now... Ain't that good ol' Four-Eyes?
:'''Green Toad''': Yeah, that IS Four-Eyes! What's he doing over there? HEEEEEEEY! FOUR-EYES! IT'S DANGEROUS UP THERE!
:'''Four-Eyes''': ''[Fires his ship's cannon]'' Pffffft! What's with this lukewarm reception, huh? Dramatic entrance, here! Oh, whatever! I'll spell it out for you idiots! You may have known me as Four-Eyes... But I'm actually... ''[Sheds his disguise]''
:'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! The great LORD CRUMP!!! Oh, MAN, did I fool you! I was the mastermind in the shadows, running this voyage! It HURTS to be this good! Now, Mario! Enough of this! I'm on a schedule, here! Hand over the Crystal Star! ...Because you know what'll happen if you don't... ''[Fires the cannon again]'' STARBOARD CANNONS! PORT CANNONS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
:'''Flavio''': AIIIYEEEEEEE! YIKES! Four-Eyes was a pirate all this time? Madness! Well, what are we all standing around for? Cannons, people! We must flee!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Look, we're sailors... We're not much good for anythin' wifout a ship to sail!
:'''Flavio''': Wait! I have it! I am a genius! We have a ship at hand! And a fine one, I must say! Mario! Take me... to Cortez! Yes, my brain remembered what you said! You said that Cortez had a ship! If the legend is true, then we should be unstoppable in that cursed ship!
:'''Green Toad''': Flavio, what are you talking about? That's crazy! This is Cortez the pirate you're talking about, here! Even if Mario did beat him... Why would he lend YOU his ship, huh? He'll cream you! Kuh-ree-eem you!
:'''Flavio''': Hey! I may be a coward and a cad, but I still lead you! I have a duty to protect you! We will be cannon fodder if we sit and wag our tongues! We must at least try Cortez! I want to hear no complaints! I am your leader, and I will negotiate with this Cortez! Now, Mario! Take me to this pirate scum, this instant!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''Grodus''': You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me.
:'''Lord Crump''': Look, I'm sorry. Seriously. We thought... We thought we had the guy cornered, but...
:'''Grodus''': Stop talking, Lord Crump. You just stand by until my next order. And, Lord Crump? Think of this as your last chance. Understand?
:'''Lord Crump''': Roger that.
:'''Grodus''': Then leave. ''[Lord Crump disappears]'' Hey! You there!
:''[An X-Naut walks up to Sir Grodus]''
:'''X-Naut''': What is it, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Tell the Shadow Sirens to attack Mario again. And tell them not to fail this time.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I have one Crystal Star in my hands... and Mario has five. I must take some measures.

=== Chapter 6 - 3 Days of Excess ===
*'''Zip Toad:''' Hey, I think not, Slick! You think you can hold me? No Way! Beldam would flip if I let that happen! ''[Reveals himself to be--]''
:'''Doopliss:''' This whole Zip Toad thing was just a means to an end! It's me, suckers! Doopliss! Beldam's plan to gooify Mario didn't exactly work, so I'll be cutting and running now! I'll leave the rest to Beldam! See ya, suckers!

*'''Excess Express Conductor:''' Thank you! Boy, it's like all you di for three days was save us! How can we ever thank you?
:'''Excess Express Waitress:''' Everyone's safe now!☆ It's all thanks to you!!☆
:'''Chef Shimi:''' OH, THANK YOU MUCH! You shaved my life! No! Stupid tongue of mine! You SAVED my life!
:'''Pennington:''' So, did you all know? This dashing fellow has been the famous Luigi all along!
:'''Excess Express Conductor:''' We will soon arrive at Poshley Heights! Ladies and gentlemen... Please prepare to disembark.

*'''Goldbob:''' You wouldn't happen to have a train set for sale, would you? A gold one, perhaps?

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee! You're one step too late! We have the Crystal Star!
:''[Beldam and Marilyn teleport away, leaving Doopliss behind]''
:'''Doopliss:''' Hey! Don't leave without me! ''[Jumps out the broken window]''

====Peach Interlude====
*'''Grodus:''' What is the matter with you idiots? Falling for a fake Crystal Star? That's asinine!
:'''X-Naut:''' Sorry, dude. I mean, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' So let me guess... This means Mario managed to get the real Crystal Star?
:'''X-Naut:''' Uh, I'm gonna say... maybe?
:'''Grodus:''' Urrgh… This mustached menace has nearly every Crystal Star now! They were mine! I think I'd better alter my plan a bit...
:'''X-Naut:''' Before you do, Sir Grodus… I think I'd better tell you something...
:'''Grodus:''' What is it, fool?!?
:'''X-Naut:''' ''[Approaches Grodus]'' ...Mumble mumble…
:'''Grodus:''' WHAAAAAAAAT?!? Are you sure?!? Speak!
:'''X-Naut:''' No joke, dude. I mean, affirmative, Sir Dude! That is... I'm positive, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' Hrrrrgh… TREASON!

*'''Grodus:''' TEC... You miserable machine. We all know what you're up to, traitor.
:'''TEC:''' Sir Grodus... I...
:'''Grodus:''' In my most paranoid moments, I never thought my own computer would betray me. Well, it doesn't really matter in the end, I suppose... Especially since it ends here.
:'''Peach:''' You monster! What are you planning to do with him?!?
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Only one thing to do with a malfunctioning computer! Cut the circuit and delete all the programs and data that caused the malfunction! Obviously, all data relating to Princess Peach must go, as well... Yes, we must be absolutely sure nothing like this ever happens again...
:'''TEC:''' No... I am... I am normal... There is no malfunction...
:'''Grodus:''' Pipe down, TEC. X-Nauts: at the same time, press the red buttons on TEC's sides.
:'''X-Nauts:''' Got it, sir! ''[Push the red buttons]''
:'''Paper Peach:''' TEC! NO!
:'''TEC:''' Mail... sent........... Princess Peach........ I.........l.........o......v..........e...........y...........o........u.......... ..... ... .. .
:'''Tannoy:''' Deletion complete.
:'''Paper Peach:''' '''TEC!'''
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Too bad, Princess Peach. TEC is no longer with us.
:'''Paper Peach:''' No! You inhuman beast! How could you?
:'''Grodus:''' Princess Peach... just stop it. This is no time to be worrying about a computer. We have some very important things for you to do now... Yes, VERY important...

====Bowser Interlude====
*'''Bowser:''' Grrrrmph... Hrrrgh... Bluh. I've got no Crystal Stars... I can't find Princess Peach... Twilight Town was... Well, it wasn't exactly glorious. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!? If this keeps up, Mario's gonna steal everything from my grasp! AS USUAL!!!
:'''Kammy:''' Your Massiveness! ''[Flies down to Bowser]'' We did it! The Magikoopa scouts found a suspicious underground chamber! It isn't even on any maps! Yeah! REALLY suspicious! SOMETHING must be there!

=== Chapter 7 - Mario Shoots the Moon ===
*'''TEC''': You... are Mario... are... you not? It... is pleasant to meet you... I... am the main computer of this fortress... I am TEC. I must tell you something.... That is why... I brought you to this place... Princess P... Peach.......... I... am so s... sorry. Most of my data was er... erased... and my main power unit was shut... down. Now running on backup power with... only cached memory... trying to stay... operational. M... Mario... You know that peach is not here, do you not? Please save... Peach... Please... please... Princess Peach... is... with Grodus in the... Palace of Shadow... I had to... tell you that... But... backup... power... failing... Mario... Use... the teleporter room... to get back to... Rogueport. Teleporter room is... on... sublevel... 2... of the fortress... I will release... the room lock.
:'''Vivian''': Princess Peach is in the Palace of Shadow?
:'''TEC''': Please hurry... There is barely enough... power left... to activate the teleporter............ I will... cease all AI functions... to send power to... the teleporter... for you.
:'''Vivian''': But... what'll happen to you?
:'''TEC''': When the power is all gone... I will... Cease to exist... as an artificial consciousness. But... if it will... save Peach... I would... gladly do this. Because until I met Peach... I knew nothing of... love... Do not worry... about me... I am just a computer... Just... a... machine... Mario... You must save Peach... I ask you... Please... And tell her... Thank you... for... me...
:'''Vivian''': We understand, TEC.
:'''TEC''': So... Hurry to the teleporter room... now... Mario... Save... her... ''(Shuts down)''

=== Chapter 8 - The Thousand-Year Door===
*'''Bowser''': Urrrgh... That was a surprise... I didn't think I'd fall... Have I put on weight?
:'''Kammy Koopa''': Your chunkiness! Are you OK? ''[Flies down to Bowser]''
:''[Bowser gets up and notices Mario in front of him]''
:'''Bowser''': GWAAAAAAAAAAARF! Why is MARIO here?!?
:''[Kammy turns to see Peach]''
:'''Kammy Koopa''': And Peach as well?!?
:'''Bowser''': I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna put an end to it RIGHT NOW! Mario! First, I pound you. Then, I take the Princess! And then, the treasure!

*'''Shadow Queen''': Who... has called me back?
:'''Grodus''': It is I, my Shadow Queen!
:'''Shadow Queen''': You... Very well... Where is the vessel?
:'''Grodus''': It is here! The girl who lies before you!
:'''Shadow Queen''': Yessss... A fine vessel... Now... ''[Possesses Peach]''

*'''Shadow Peach''': Muh huh huh huh huh... Witness my rebirth... My soul has not yet fully accustomed to this vessel... But I will learn to control this body soon enough...
:'''Vivian''': P-Peach...
:'''Grodus''': yes, my glorious witch queen... Destroy these impudent fools!
:'''Shadow Peach''': Who are you that would command me? What sort of being are you?
:'''Grodus''': Huh? What do you mean?!? I thought you were bound to obey the one who woke you! Enough of this prattle! Do as I say!!! NOW! Or I will send you back to the depths...
:'''Shadow Peach''': ''[Destroys Grodus' body]'' You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me. ''[Destroys Grodus' head]'' My powers are not yet fully restored... But... they will come in time...

=== Ending ===

== Rogueport Direct Mail Service ==

=== RDM Registration ===
:Dear Mr. MARIO!
:Thanks for registering with Rogueport Direct Mail (RDM) service.
:Your kind friend MR. FRANKLY, referred you to us.
:Our direct mail service will provide you with regular, timely news updates. We hope you enjoy our service!

=== RDM Premiere Issue ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Bringing you all the up-to-the-moment news as it happens! We have details of yet another incident at the parlor in West Rogueport. Outraged by the high Pianta prices, Goomfrey (age 30) is suspected of violently shaking the Pianta Changer (age 5), causing the Pianta Changer's alarm to sound, which lead to the Pianta changer ceasing to function for a brief period. The parlor was forced to close down temporarily. The victim was quoted as saying: &quot;I am a machine. No matter how hard I am shook, I feel no pain. End interview.&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Get all the hottest shopping news about all the hottest shopping spots in the world! If Petalburg's your destination, you can't miss the shop that's been the talk of the town for the last 20 years: Niff T.'s shop! The friendly owner has long thought to be the most eligible bachelor in town, but word is he's secretly in love with the girl at the inn! The wise and witty shopkeeper had this to say: &quot;You only live once, so enjoy it while you can! Shop now at good old Niff T.'s shop!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Interested in cooking but don't know what to cook? Try our chef's delicious suggestions! Today's yummy recipe: Fried Shrooms! Just season your mushrooms, sauté them up, and they're ready for the dinner table!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We hope you enjoyed RDM's premiere issue! You can look forward to future editions coming your way soon!

=== RDM Issue 2 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Old Toad settles in!''
:It's come to light that after settling into life at our inn, Toadsworth (age 60) has often been spotted in the company of Zess T. (age 55). The notoriously finicky Zess T. surprised all when she was heard saying &quot;What's wrong with spending time with my little Toadle-toes?&quot; The possibilities such a comment opens has our eyes and ears glued to the situation!
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Our focus of attention this week? Pungent's Great Tree Shop!
:Pungent's easygoing management philosophy is: &quot;Money and girls are fickle, so easy come, easy go, y'know?&quot; He fully understands why his shop isn't busier, too: &quot;We're well hidden, but like any good treasure, we're worth lookin' for!&quot; He even has a special offer for RDM readers: &quot;For the next 15 minutes, I'll give you double shop points!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Today's Yummy Recipe: Spicy Soup!
:Steep a Fire Flower in hot water and... Presto! You're done! The perfect first meal for kids to cook!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We've been working all night to bring you this edition of RDM. Look forward to more hot, hot news in Issue 3, coming soon!

=== RDM Issue 3 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Noon, Today''
:The Excess Express ran late for the first time in ten years today as a suspicious incident activated station security measures. Area youth and huge train enthusiast Laki (age 18) was found taking pictures in an employee-only area near the Express and was gang-tackled by local Samaritans. &quot;I understand how much people are into trains, but we've got safety and security measures to uphold!&quot; blustered the train engineer. The youth was released with just a warning... this time.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we highlight Glitzville Sales Stall!
:Though they've never attracted as many customers as the nearby Hot Dog Stand, the proprietor is certain that any day now, people will in fact notice that his shop exists! Early on in our interview, the owner of the nearby Hot Dog Stand cornered our reporter and had this to say: &quot;Who needs Sales Stall! My Hot Dog gives you all you want! Only 10 coins now!&quot; A minor scuffle broke out shortly thereafter, but we're happy to report that no one was seriously injured. Apparently everyone in Glitzville knows how to roll with a punch...
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Hey there, rookies! Flex your bendy straws, because today's recipe is for Fresh Juice! Just blend Honey Syrup until you reach a nice, frothy texture and enjoy! Try one in the morning to start your day off right!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We're just getting started, people! Wait until you see the glorious next issue!

=== RDM Issue 4 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Dusk, Today''
:Goomez (age 40), known for napping in the flowers in the west side park, was found eating flowers and given a stern warning by authorities. Asked for comment, Goomez stated, &quot;Well, I just really, really love flowers, and I was hanging out, and before I knew it, they were in my mouth... I'm so ashamed.&quot; Citizens of Rogueport responded with disbelief and grudging support for strengthening of flower-conservation efforts.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, we introduce the Twilight Shop!
:Watching the husband and wife proprietors of this shop at work is a heartwarming sight, but don't get on the hubby's bad side! &quot;Don't you go smiling at MY wife!&quot; says the jovially jealous shopkeeper. &quot;I'm hers for life, and your fancy big-city teeth aren't gonna change that!&quot; Well, who could doubt their eternal love? Surely not this reporter. We pressed the shopkeeper for further comment, but regret that his words are unprintable here...But we did learn from the little missus that there will be a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show her this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:All right, my little rookies, we're on to an intermediate-level recipe today! The dish is a Healthy Salad... Just slice up a Turtley Leaf and a Horsetail, mix them together, and you're done! Great for dieters!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:That's all for today! But check your mailbox soon for another exciting issue!

===RDM Issue 5===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Local mystic Merluvlee (age 25) was taken to the hospital today, followed quickly by hordes of concerned fans. Luckily, according to a spokesperson for the hospital, Merluvlee suffered from nothing more than a severe case of indigestion caused by a wild binge on eight Shroom Steaks. The divine diviner exclaimed that her &quot;aura was brimming with the power of steak,&quot; but this reporter can't help but wonder why she failed to predict the gastrointestinal adventure in the first place...
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, let's head to Keelhaul Galleria!
:We are proud to toast the entrepreneurial spirit shown by the managerial team who brought free commerce to this deserted island! &quot;I really wanted to do something that had never been done,&quot; gushed the unsinkable proprietor and former fight fan. &quot;So call me 'The Invincible Shopmaster' from now on. I'm 100% serious. Print that.&quot; We wish him all the success that he can grab with two hands and wrestle to the mat!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Listen up, rookies, because here's another intermediate-level recipe! Today's dish is the single-serving Peach Tart! Take a Peachy Peach, add Cake Mix, stir, and bake! Try that at teatime, rookies...
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Thanks for reading the best rag in the land! See you next issue!

===RDM Issue 6===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:An unknown businessman (age 30) was taken into custody today by port authorities as he tried to board the blimp carrying large amounts of a volatile red liquid. After a few tense moments, authorities identified the liquid as a spicy condiment, and the businessman was subsequently released. Our RDM reporters were mystified by the following unsolicited comment: &quot;Buy our new Hot Sauce, folks!&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week, we have the pleasure of introducing the fabulously luxurious shop on the Excess Express, the Sales Stall!
:This unique boutique on the exclusive train of the independently wealthy just reeks of money, but perhaps the idyllic landscapes rushing past will loosen your purse strings! Says the impeccably dressed manager of sales: &quot;Come one, come all, be you rich or not at all, to our lovely Sales Stall!&quot; He then announced a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show him this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is it, rookies! You've finally made it to the big leagues! Today's recipe is an advanced-level one. Today, we'll be making Ink Pasta. Just boil Fresh Pasta until perfectly al dente and mix lightly with Inky Sauce. Perfecto! Get ready for gourmet chow tonight!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Can you believe it, dear readers? The next issue will be our last! Don't miss it!

===RDM Issue 7===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:In a shocking series of event today, local authorities report that Zess T. (age 55) delivered a left hook to the jaw of gadabout Flavio (age 25) late this very afternoon. Our investigation has revealed that the cause of the feisty fisticuffs may have been Zess T.'s anger that a shipment of gourmet ingredients spoiled on the dock because Flavio had held up the dock crew with a marathon two-day tale of high-seas adventure. While Flavio is recovering from temporary memory loss, Zess T. has already been approached by a Glitz Pit talent scout, Don Goombatti. &quot;I think the kid's got spunk. We'll take the world by storm!&quot; said Goombatti.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we have an explosive exclusive on the shop in Fahr Outpost, Northwinds Mart!
:It's so cold there that all of the merchandise is frozen to the counter...Just kidding! The smiling shop manager showed us a fascinating variety of good as the sweet-faced little miss explained, &quot;It's cold out, but I do best to explode inside shop to warm place up, da? So come on it! This place is big, too, folks, so we haven't even seen all of it yet! Come on down and see it for yourself!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is the final installment of Cooking for Rookies! Just to make sure we leave you with a smile on your face, our last recipe will be for Couple's Cake! Just simmer Spicy Soup for a few minutes, then drop in a Snow Bunny...and presto! Before your very eyes, the mixture will congeal and take the form of a cake! Eat it with someone you love!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:This is it, dear readers! The final issue! We here at the RDM office have enjoyed every minute of our hard work to bring you the best news and features! May we meet again...perhaps sooner than you think! (Wink, wink...)

== Luigi's Adventure in the Waffle Kingdom ==
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Well, like I said, it's a really long story, but here goes.

=== Part 1: Waffle Kingdom Letter ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' My big brother - that's you, Bro - got a letter from Princess Peach and took off. Left behind as usual, I was cooking a snack at home when another letter arrived. We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking, &quot;Huh?&quot;. This is what the letter said: &quot;Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe&quot;. Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that. With Mario - that's you, Bro - gone, it fell to me to answer this plea! Hesitating only a teensy bit, I headed to the Waffle Kingdom to invesigate. Oh, no, first, I wrote a note to myself about what I was cooking. Then I left. Once I reached the Waffle Kingsome, I met Minister Crepe, who filled me in. The Chestnut King had kidnapped Princess Eclair and vanished. Apparently, though, some oracle said a Mavelous Compass could locate her. This Marvelous Compass had been broken into several parts by an ancient curse... and those parts had been scattered across the land. Can you believe it, Bro? Each part of the Marvelous Compass was said to point to the next. And since one of the parts was embedded in the tiara worn by the princess... I surmised that once I collected all the parts, I'd find her. Smart, huh? The minister gave me the compass base spoken of in Waffle fables... When it activated, the entire thing lit right up, indicating the deep south... It was pointing me toward the Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent. So, yeah, here I am! I'm sailing out of Rogueport for Rumblebump Volcano.It's probably gonna be pretty dangerous, but... I gotta rescue that princess!

=== Part 2: Rumblebump Volcano ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as my ship docked on the Pudding Continent, I set out for the volcano. To reach my destination, I spent several days fording through dense jungle... Scary beasts were all over! More than once I thought I was done for, Bro! I may have screamed a bit. To scare them off, you know. But as fate would have it... A Blooper named Blooey heard me shrieking and found me in this one town. Blooey was on a journey of his own, but he joined me after hearing my tale. Now, Blooey's a madman. Back in his hometown, they call him 'White Torpedo'! Yeah, he's a tough guy. Anyway, he helped me fight to Rumplebumb Volcano. This place was all about bubbling lava pools and heat that'd make the sun sweat. AND, the place was lousy with evil traps designed to protect the compass piece. The scariest one of all was this gigantic, 100-foot-tall statue that stomped around. Now, the weakness of this giant statue, Bro, was a red gem on its forehead... Now, I can jump high, but not high enough to reach this thing by a long shot. So I came up with this plan for Blooey to hit that weak spot! 'All you, man!' I said! I waited for a pause in the statue's movements and hucked Blooey up there! And bull's-eye! The White Torpedo saved the day! That jewel got whacked! It was a critical hit, and that stone statue toppled and crumbled into pieces! Once that was done, it was an easy stroll to the room where the treasure was. Unfortunately, Princess Eclair was nowhere to be found... But I got another piece of the Marvelous Compass, and put it in the base... Now the compass pointed west, to Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent. So I set sails once again and came back here to Rogueport to recharge. That's what happened to me lately, but I'll be heading back out soon.

=== Part 3: Plumpbelly Village ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on his tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another...and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it, she was sorta cute, but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to rescue Princess Éclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it, Princess Éclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rogueport. And here I am!

=== Part 4: Circuit Break Island ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Break Island, we heard this incredible racket! We soon found out that they hold kart races almost every day on the island. Whoever takes first place gets to rule the island as King for that day. Just as we got to the race track, they were holding the awards ceremony... I couldn't believe my eye! Right there, on the trophy they gave to the winner... It was another piece of the Marvelous Compass! I almost dead passed away! I decided right then and there that the only thing to do was enter the next race. I mean, I've driven in karts before, so I thought I'd be OK. Boy, was I wrong. The karts were supercharged machines that could send you airborne with their exhaust! These vehicles were armed with missiles and bazookas... It was 'anything goes,' bro! Of course, I wanted to get out of there, pronto! These drivers were crazed! But I worked up my courage and signed up anyway. And my race day finally came... I got one of the best karts: the Big Green 01! I took my position at the start line... The light went green, I stomped the accelerator... and something bad happened. I was in reverse! The Big Green 01 went rocketing backwards with me yelling... I crashed into the wall behind me hard enough to cut me off midscream. In one fell swoop, I dropped into last place and wrecked my racing machine... But it wasn't all bad news: all the other karts crashed because of my manoeuver... Once I got in gear and took off, I was the only car left! I won by a country mile, bro! I took the piece off my trophy and added it to the Marvelous Compass... The compass came to life and pointed me toward Jazzafrazz Town in the east! Then I heard that voice! Princess Eclair's voice echoed in my ears again! Oh, my Princess! Random words would form poetry if spoken by your voice! I will most definitely save you! Just wait for me! Princess Éclair!! Oh! Sorry about that, Bro... umm... So, after that, I got back on my boat... And came back here to Rogueport. And that's what's been up with me.

=== Part 5: Jazzafrazz Town ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as we hit Jazzafrazz town, we were overcome by the glitz and the glamour. It's a very lively place, Bro. Tons of Dayzees live there, and they're always smiling! While looking for a piece of the Compass, I met a hip Dayzee named Hayzee. Hayzee was a producer, and he was looking for actors to go on stage with him. I told him we couldn't, since we were looking for the compass part, you know. But Hayzee said we could WIN the compass part in the upcoming Drama Slam! He said the so-called Dramalama Plaque might, in fact, be one of the parts! Well, we just had to give it a try, so we rehearsed with the cast and hit the stage! Our musical was called &quot;The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness&quot;. The script was great, but I got really hosed, Bro... My &quot;role&quot;... My &quot;part&quot;... Was grass! I played grass by the side of the road! Grass, Bro! Grass! I just sprawled out on the ground and had to be silent. Everyone but me had lines... I don't care if I was earning green! Who casts someone based on that? It was awful! In the end, our musical was the talk of the town, and we won the Drama Slam. I got the compass part I was after, but even that didn't make me very happy. The huge after-party just bummed me out more, so I snuck out the back door. But WOW! Outside were tons of fans! MY fans! Fans of grass! They swarmed me! I just couldn't believe it! Imagine! Cheering for grass! I was ecstatic, Bro! After that I added the piece to the Marvelous Compass, which pointed north. It pointed to the Rapturous Ruins in Grimble Forest. Then... The voice again... Oh, my cherished Princess Éclair! How you soothe me! I would be grass for you... I will find you! I will reach you! I will stand by your side and be your Luigi! Wow, sorry about that, Bro. umm... So, yeah, anyway... Then I got back on my boat. I came back to Rogueport, and here I am, another leg of my adventure completed!

=== Part 6: Rapturous Ruins ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' After journeying deep into the Grimble Forest, I found the domed Rapturous Ruins. Inside, everything was pure white. You couldn't tell where the floor became walls... Proceeding dead ahead, I found myself in a chamber where a young boy sat. As I approached the boy, someone named Screamy appeared out of nowhere! Screamy said the boy's name was Cranberry, and that he'd wake for a child of fate. That didn't make any sense to me, so I started searching quietly for the compass piece. But then it happened, Bro: I got a tiny tickle in my nose, and I let out a huge sneeze! Well, Cranberry must've heard it, 'cause he opened his eyes right up! He looked at me and smiled. And all of a sudden, I could understand his language! Can you believe it? I learned that the boy was the last of an ancient race, the Luffs... He had been there guarding the Marvelous Compass piece for the last thousand years! He told me that the compass is an item with the power to see into the future... The ancient Luff empire used the power of the compass to rule much of the world. Because of their greed, they were cursed by the compass, and their empire collapsed. To prevent a repeat of their fate, Cranberry broke the compass into seven parts. He hid six and kept one, putting himself to sleep until a worthy hero woke him. I WAS that hero, Bro! He gave it to me, and then he and the ruins vanished... When I added that piece to the compass... It pointed to the far north, where Dreaded Hatesong Tower stands. This time, I heard Princess Eclair's voice more clearly than ever before! I will rescue the Princess! I will be super! And then I'll... I'll... I'll... Well, I'll figure the rest out later. Anyway, I headed back here to Rogueport after that. I'm making my final preparations for my final battle now. I'm a little nervous, Bro. But that's what I've been up to, anyway!

=== Part 7: Hatesong Tower ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Hatesong Tower stands atop a jagged, unclimbable cliff beyond the northernmost sea. The winds whistle down the cliff, howling like banshees singing songs of hate... People say it's pretty much the scariest place in the world. And I had to go there. Blocking out the bone-chilling howls, I somehow managed to reach the tower's door. I was terrified, but thoughts of Princess Éclair warmed my heart and gave me power. All of my companions felt the same way. They were with me to the bitter end. The door to the tower swung slowly open to reveal an inconceivable darkness... I tried to call out Princess Eclair's name, but I couldn't even breathe because... As I strained my eyes in the darkness, I saw the most terrifying beast of all! The Chestnut King himself appeared before me! He was monstrous and drooling! Puddles of toxic goo dripped from his mouth, melting the very ground at our feet! I couldn't stop shaking, but I gritted my teeth and faced the evil beast dead-on! I dodged the king's fangs, jumped onto his chest, and gave him a hammer-whack! My swing split the air and crashed dead-center onto the Chestnut King's skull! Hope powered me up, Bro! I was going toe-to-toe with the king, and I was loving it! &quot;This is it&quot; I thought! I can win this! I'll risk it all on my next blow! I gripped my hammer tight and waited for my moment... The tension stung me... SHHHHHWHAAAAACK! The ocean winds raged against the tower windows! With that sound as my call to battle, I advanced with no mercy in my heart! And then... And then... ''[Long pause]'' I beat him. I defeated the Chestnut King. An even worse beast came next, a nightmare thing... but I beat it too. ''[Beat]'' I rescued Princess Éclair It was all over. And then I came back to Rogueport and had a light lunch. And that's about it. ''[Beat]'' Huh? You think there's more to the story than that?

=== Part 8: Super Luigi Book ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Actually, know what? This guy actually novelized my adventure! He's been interviewing me! He was actually interviewing me here at the inn during breaks from my adventure! I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading a book about Luigi... But &quot;Super Luigi&quot; came out recently, and check this out, Bro: Here in Rogueport... It's set a new record for consecutive weeks at number one on the best-seller list!!! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hooray for Luigi, Bro! I started reading it the other day, but it's an encyclopedic account in multiple volumes... Excruciating detail, Bro. It's like a history book! ...It seemed like one, anyway. They've got it in the shop here in Rogueport. How about you snag a copy, Bro?

== Grifty's Tales ==
=== Part 1: The Fearsome Demon ===
*Ages ago, a city flourished here in peace in splendor, but it was destroyed in a single day by a demon from the dark beyond. Historians claim a great calamity befell the city, but nay... 'twas a demon. The city sank below ground, and one-quarter of the old city became the demon's den. This demon put fear into the hearts of all men and sent out minions to take the land. And its den, its palace, grew rich with the treasures stolen from all over the world.

=== Part 2: The Crystal Stars ===
*In order to increase its already formidable power the demon created Crystal Stars to hold the essence of the heavens. One of these stars was placed in each country to exert the demon's influence. One of the castles built to contain these stars still stands near Petal Meadows.

=== Part 3: Dragons and Dungeons ===
*The demon built a dungeon near its palace and filled it with terrifying monsters. All those who fell into disfavor were thrown into this dungeon to rot. Yea, and the demon also had three dragon pets: Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. These dragons flew across the land, spreading fear and sorrow over all. Even now, the mere mention of a dragon is enough to give some the terrors...

=== Part 4: The Hero Who Arose ===
*One day, there came a hero who could vanquish the fell demon. The young Toad from Petal Meadows was strong of arm, but shy of voice. All those around the boy teased him endlessly about the way he spoke. But when the demon cast his fearful gaze across the lands and reached out, the young Toad used strength and honor to defend his people and he became a hero to all, despite his odd voice.

=== Part 5: The Wise Goomba ===
*There was a wise Goomba from Boggly Woods gifted in knowledge of the world. When beasts rose to take the woods, this knowledge helped the people fight them. And the Goomba, who knew the way that every monster would attack, she began to think of a way to banish all monsters from the land...

=== Part 6: The Stalwart Koopa ===
*A Koopa who traveled the world alone learned of the darkness covering the land. He went alone wherever evil dwelt and banished it with shell and sheer bravado. The monsters grew to fear this scar-riddled Koopa who thwarted them at every turn. But the brave Koopa was finally taken in a trap set for him by the monsters. But then, a Boo who fought with the monsters came and used her magic to free him. The brave Koopa's spirit melted the heart of the cold Boo lass...

=== Part 7: The Four Heroes ===
*The Boo used her powerful magic to learn more about the evil they faced. &quot;We cannot destroy this darkness alone&quot; she decided, her face a grim mask. &quot;We need the Toad hero of Petal Meadows and the wise Goomba of Boggly Woods.&quot; The Boo's magic drew the four heroes together to send the demon from the world. And so, the four heroes finally set out to the Palace of Shadow...

=== Part 8: The Duel With the Demon ===
*The power of the world-devouring demon was more powerful than any could imagine, but the wise Goomba soon realized that this was the power of the Crystal Stars. She thought of a way to take the stars and use them against the demon. She told the other heroes her plan and set it in motion, banishing their fears. The Boo's magic and the Toad's strength created a gap in the demon's defenses. At that moment, the brave Koopa seized the stars and succeeded in badly damaging the demon...

=== Part 9: The Demon Sealed Within ===
*But even the brave Koopa's stroke was not enough to end the demon's reign. The wise Goomba thought of another use for the Crystal Stars in that dire hour. She suggested sealing the demon forever with the Crystal Stars. All agreed. The heroes matched their strengths with the power of the Crystal Stars and they successfully sealed the demon's soul within the deepest part of the palace. Together they made it out so that only all seven stars could break the seal...

=== Part 10: The Demon's Curse ===
*The four heroes thought they had sealed away the demon and all its power, but the demon used a tiny opening before the seal was complete to curse them all. While holding the Crystal Stars, they felt nothing, but when they let them go a black box would appear to seal their souls within. The four heroes travelled the world, scattering the stars so the seal would remain. But the last four stars carried the curse, which claimed each hero...

=== Part 11: The Great Tree and Punies ===
*The hiding places of many of the crystal stars have now faded into legend but some say that the wise Goomba hid one in the Great Tree. At that time, many monsters wandered in the nearby Boggly Woods. The tiny Punies were always tormented by their fierce appetites, it was said. Pitying them, the Goomba hollowed out the Great Tree for the Punies to live in. The Punies were so grateful they swore to protect the Crystal Star there...

=== Part 12: The Boo Heroine's Last Days ===
*Once the Boo heroine hid her star in a steeple, she was trapped in the nearby town. Some say the Crystal Star lies in that steeple still.

=== Part 13: The Pirate King Cortez ===
*The Koopa hero went to a southern isle to hide his star where none would find it. But the Koopa was so tired from his journey that the pirate Cortez stole it easily. In that very instant, the Koopa was trapped in an inescapable chest. But Cortez did not realize the power of the star and lost it among his treasures...

=== Part 14: The Toad Hero's Final Days ===
*The strong Toad held his star and continued his arduous journey. But eventually the miles took their toll upon him and he collapsed. A traveling healer happened by and saved his life but the Toad knew his fate was to be trapped in the box when the star was gone. So he asked the healer to hide the star in a secret place known to no one...

=== Part 15: All Becomes Legend ===
*After the demon was sealed within the Palace of Shadow, many refused to come near that place of terror. But as the years passed, entire generations forgot and the penniless and the immoral began to congregate in this once-barren place. This place soon became a populous harbor, the town of Rogueport, and some even began to say that the underground city held a legendary treasure. But they were unaware the demon slept beneath them still...

=== Part 16: The Magical Map ===
*The heroes knew the seal might not last forever and they sought to make the Crystal Stars available to one who might need them. So, before going to their individual dooms, they made a map to all the stars. And to prevent an evil force from misusing this map they placed it in a box that could only be opened by the pure of heart.

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2004 video games]]
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'''''{{w|Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door}}''''' (or '''''Paper Mario and the 1,000-Year Door'''''), originally released in Japan in 2004 as '''''Paper Mario RPG''''', originally known as '''''Mario Story 2''''' in Japan and '''''Paper Mario 2''''' in North America, is a [[w:role-playing game|role-playing game]] for the {{w|Nintendo GameCube}}, the second game in the ''[[w:Paper Mario|Paper Mario]]'' series. The 1,000-Year Door is set in the town of [[Rogue]][[w:port|port]], built atop an ancient ruins containing a mysterious [[door]], where Mario soon finds himself after the princess disappears on a [[w:treasure hunt|treasure hunt]].

== Paper Bowser ==
* Pbbbthbtth! Am I Mario's baby-sitter? I don't care what he's doing! Are you going to call me every time that guy blows his nose, or what? Sheesh!
* You got it, Haggy!
* (Thinking) It's Hag Vs. Hag! Awesome!
* Word on the street was that some mustached doofus was in Glitzville... and lookee here! Talk about perfect timing! And now all these folks get to watch me murdalize you!

== Professor Frankly ==
* I must research this more. Assuming will just make an... Well, you know the saying.

== Partners ==

=== Goombella ===
* Omigosh! Is… Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!
* So, Hooktail Castle, huh? Well... it sure is ominous, that's for sure.
* Well, no doubt about it: This is Glitzville! Can you believe it actually floats? Well, let's get to it, huh, Mario? Let's find that Crystal Star as fast as we can!
* Woah, totally AWESOME! Check it out, Mario! Someone's about to catch a beating up there!
* They... Those total COWARDS! Those chickens attacked us before the bell rang! Oh, that is IT! Come on! We aren't losing to punks like them! Let's waste 'em!
* What did you expect, huh? We rock!
* What?!? You... were in that cute little eggy-weggy? Whoa! That's wild!
* Omigosh! That cake must've totally been poisoned! Boy, if we'd eaten it... that'd be us on the floor!
* Wow! That was Bowser, right? Jeepers, who woulda thought he'd show his face HERE?
* What?!? What?!? What?!? Omigosh, WHAT'S going on?!?
* Oh, the bell rang, Mario! That means someone's gonna... Whew... At least it's not me this time.
* Huh? The gatekeeper's gone... No, not gone! He turned into a pig! Well, not to be insensitive, but that works out for us. We can just cruise through!
* Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!
* That's...sniff...the saddest tale I've ever heard in my life. No wonder...
* What IS that gross thing?  ...No! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario! Let's hurry up and find the Poshley Sanctum that the professor was talking about!
* Wow! That was KILLER! I totally never would've guessed I'd get to do THAT!
* Ugh... This place is freaky... but we don't have a choice, Mario! We've gotta get in there and save Peach before this gets out of hand! C'mon, Mario!
* What? This is totally unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was hairy. At least we settle THAT nut's hash. Now let's save Peach, OK, Mario?
* What?!? Where's Grodus?!?
* Never, ever give up! That's the most important thing I've learned from you, Mario.

=== Koops ===
* OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
* Oh, man... Hooktail Castle... The stories were all true... This place is TERRIFYING...
* X-Nauts? Sounds like tissues... to the extreme or something.
* Boy! This just isn't right. Let's do something before my claustrophobia sets in...
* Ummm... Yeah, this would be Glitzville, all right... How do they make it float? I mean, it hasn't ever, you know, plunged from the sky or anything, has it? Time to hunt down that Crystal Star, huh, Mario? I know I'm ready!
* Wow! This place is so cool! Hey, Mario, look up there! There's a battle match going on right now!
* Hey! That's no fair! You can't attack before the bell rings! That's cheating! Come on, Mario! We can't let a bunch of cheaters beat us. Let's take them down!
* We... won? Cool!
* Ummm... WHAT?!? You hatched out of that egg? That's nuts. So you're a Yoshi, huh?
* Umm... Was that King Bowser? What was he doing here? That... kinda freaks me out.
* Whoa. Is that what plumbers do? I had no idea, man. Wow.
* Wow! Grubba got... really big! That isn't good!
* What IS that thing? ...Hey! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Um... OK, this place is scary... but I guess we don't have a choice, huh? We have to power through and save Peach before things get out of hand! Let's go, Mario!

=== Flurrie ===
* My! Such wonderful drama! I imagine we have to do something now, don't we?
* My, my, my! Glitzville! I've heard that the Glitz Pit is just full of brawny brawls! I must admit the prospect of some hurly-burly gets me a touch piqued! Now, darling, let's find that Crystal Star, hmmm?
* What sort of base cowards attack before the match officially begins? Honestly! Come on, Mario, darling! We shan't lose to lowlifes! Let's teach them a lesson!
* Why, you little rapscallion! You hatched from that egg? Well, aren't you precious!
* I should like to request that we ''never'' do that again.
* We're finally here, dear! Let's waste no time finding that Poshley Sanctum that Frankly spoke of.
* My, what an unpleasant place... but I suppose we have no choice! We must go onward and save Peach before this situation spirals beyond out control! Let's move on, darling!

=== Paper Yoshi Kid ===
* Yow! Grubba got huge!
* Gonzales! Check me out! Thanks to you, I hatched safe and sound! Thanks, man!
* Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How'd that floor taste?
* Wow! That was the king of the Koopas, wasn't it? WOW! That guy's insane!
* Well, she took off, huh? What was that kiss like? I gotta get me one of those... Hey, but what do you think she meant about somebody being upstairs, huh?
* Was that cake poisoned? Yeah! It must've been! If we'd eaten it, we'd be all banged up like that guy!
* Dude, I have SO much respect for plumbers now!
* Whoa! That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! What's going on in this weirdo town?
* Whoa! The bell rang, Mario! Doesn't that mean someone's gonna... Boy... I'm psyched it wasn't my turn to get pigged.
* Whoa! The gate guy's gone! ...Oops! Nope! Not gone! The stubborn dude's a pig! Well, hey, that's actually pretty sweet for us! No pig's gonna get in our way!
* Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
* Gee... What a downer. I guess that's a pretty good reason for hating the ocean...
* Aw, yeah, the Excess Express! This is so deluxe, man! The three days to Poshley Heights are gonna be over just like THAT!
* Ah, morning of a new day! I love it! It's so cool and brisk, too! I love THAT!
* What IS that gnarly thing? ...Whoa! Gonzales, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We finally made it, Gonzales! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum place that the prof was talking about, huh?
* Whoa! That was AWESOME! Man, who knew adventurers got to do stuff like THAT!
* ...We got it, TEC.
* Gonzales! That tears it, man! We just gotta save Peach! For TEC, too!
* Whoa! You hear something just then?
* Whoa, this place is nasty... but we don't have a choice! We've gotta cruise through and save Peach before this whole cataclysm happens! C'mon, Gonzales!
* Man, we clear one freaky room just to find another... This area is almost like an underground city, huh? What IS this place?
* Let's leave these wusses, Gonzales...
* Hoooo... That was a doozy. At least we rocked that guy's world, am I right? Now, let's save Peach!
* Whoa!!! Where's Grodus?!?

=== Vivian ===
* Your name and body were stolen? Oh, well I guess that happens from time to time.
* Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
* I can't imagine what that poor man went through... No wonder he won't sail...
* Wow! The Excess Express! This is really nice, Mario! The three days to Poshley Heights are going to seem like nothing!
* Ah, it's a new day! And what a cool and brisk morning!
* What IS that nasty thing? ...Oh! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We're finally here, Mario. There's no time to waste, so let's find the Poshley Sanctum, like the professor said.
* Gee whiz! That was wild! I never thought I'd take a ride like THAT...
* We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Yes! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Uh, but... We still don't know where Peach is...
* Oh, Mario! We have to save Peach... for TEC, too!
* Did you hear something just then?
* Uh... This place is unsettling... but we have no choice! We have to get in there and save Peach before things get any more out of control! Let's go, Mario!
* We get out of one strange room just to find another... It's so big... It's almost like an underground city... What IS this place?
* What? This is unbelievable! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Phew... That was TOO close! At least we can close THAT chapter, though, right? Now, let's save Peach!

=== Admiral Bobbery ===
* We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be to keen on seeing us again, eh?
* Harumph! The Excess Express! Rather posh, I must say! Yes, rather posh indeed! The three days to Poshley Heights ought to pass in an eyeblink, eh, old boy?
* What IS that rank thing? ...Horrors!  Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* We've made it, old boy! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum that Professor Frankly spoke of, posthaste!
* Harumph! Well, that was rather a bumpy trip, wot wot! Who would've guessed I'd get to do such a thing...
* This place is rather ugly... but we haven't a choice in the matter, old boy! We must get in there and save Peach before this hullabaloo goes any further! Let's go, dear boy!
* Well now, it seems we get past one dodgy room only to find another... This region is rather like an underground city, hm? What IS this place?
* What? This is rather unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
* Whew... Rather close, hm? At least we've settled that burly bloke's account, old boy. Now, let's save Peach!
* Hm?!? Where's Grodus?!?

=== Ms. Mowz ===
* I can't believe there are other thieves here besides me. How very strange...
* Mmmm... the Excess Express! Now this is what I call travelling in style! The three days to Poshley heights will be over before we know it, dearie!
* Mmm, the beginning of a new day... And such a cool and brisk morning, as well!
* What IS that vile thing? ...Oh, no! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
* Oh, my! That was quite fun! I can't say I ever thought I'd take a ride like THAT!
* What an unpleasant place... but we don't have a choice in the matter! We have to get in there and save Peach before this gets any more out of hand! Let's go, dearie!
* What? This isn't very fair! All this and Bowser, too?!?

== Villains ==
*'''Doopliss''': So, you figured it out by now, right, Slick? Your body and name belong to me now!
*'''Lord Crump''': And with that... pow! I'm gone!
*'''Sir Grodus''': Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
*'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! I'm gonna turn you guys into wee seeds... Wait, that's not right. I'll turn you into SEAWEED! Buh huh! Enjoy!
*'''Shadow Queen''': You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me.

==Other characters==
*'''TEC''': I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may.
*'''Cotrtez''': I'll turn your mustache into a bone-polisher, amigo!
*'''Rawk Hawk''': Rawk out, Great Gonzales!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! Listen to me, Gonzales! Anybody who's beat me is not ALLOWED to lose!!!
*'''Blooey''': Hey there, I'm Blooey. ...And this guy [Luigi] is a total liar! Don't listen to him! You heard his story, right? Well, he did TRY to throw me, but he completely tripped! And what happens? I end up landing in lava! LAVA, man! You think that feels good? Thanks to him, you can stick a fork in me! I'm well-done! My pale skin's crispified! I'll NEVER forgive this guy! I'm gonna make him pay if it takes my whole lifetime! That's the ONLY reason I'm still hanging around with him. YOU'LL PAY, LUIGI!
*'''Jerry''': It is now my goal in life to keep this guy from ever dressing as a woman again.

== Dialogue ==

=== Prologue ===
:'''Goombella''': Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!
:'''Lord Crump''': Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right, NOW!
:'''Goombella''': Never! I don't have anything to say to you creeps! EWW!
:'''Lord Crump''': I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise... Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand to our fortress!
:'''X-Naut''': As you command, Lord Crump! We're on it!
:'''Goombella''': N-no! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

:'''Paragoomba''': Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!?
:'''Goombella''': Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!
:'''Goomba''': Ouch! That was cold!
:'''Paragoomba''': What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!
:'''Spiky Goomba''': Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let's get 'em!

=== Chapter 1 - Castle and Dragon ===
*'''Koops''': Umm... excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!! ''[Walks up to Mario]'' Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. ''[Long pause]'' Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye. ''[Turns to leave]''
:'''Goombella''': Ooookay... That was weird... What do you think ''that'' was all about? Talk about issues!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koops''': Oh... Golly... Umm... Hi... Hi, Koopie... Koopie Koo... Did you overhear all that?
:'''Koopie Koo''': Well, part of it. Koops... I THOUGHT I heard you say you're off to fight Hooktail... But... you're joking, right? I mean, you're not exactly a powerhouse... He'll eat you up!
:'''Koops''': I know, Koopie Koo. But I want to be tougher. For you... So I have to do this...
:'''Koopie Koo''': No, Koops, you don't. I mean, going off to some dangerous place? It's... It's stupid. So what if you're timid? And sort of a crybaby. I don't care about all that. I just want you to be you. So, don't go...
:'''Koops''': Sorry, Koopie Koo. I've made up my mind. No need to worry, though! After all, I'm travelling with Mario. He's the man!
:'''Koopie Koo''': FINE! IGNORE ME! ''[Shell spins past Mario and Koops twice]'' STUBBORN KOOPA!!!
:'''Koops''': I'm sorry, Koopie Koo... I swear to you... I will come back to you a stronger Koopa! ''[Mario turns to him]'' Well, Mario, that's that, I guess. No turning back now! Hooktail's castle awaits!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;

*'''Koopley''': ''(Emerging from Hooktail's mouth)'' YAAAAAAAAH! I'm out! I'm finally out!
:'''Koops''': WHOA! It... It can't be!
:'''Koopley''': Eh?
:'''Koops''': Da... DAD?!? ''(Walks over to Koopley)''
:'''Koopley''': Hey! You're... You're Koops! Hey, Son! You've gotten so big since I saw you last!
:'''Koops''': Well, yeah, I guess I have... But who cares, Dad? I mean, golly! What happened to you? Where've you been all this time?
:'''Koopley''': Well, I came here a while back to deal with Hooktail, and all was well and good... But just before my finishing blow, he played a trick on me and gobbled me down whole. I've been hiding in my shell for the ten years since then... inside Hooktail's belly! And boy, was it nasty! Yuck! I'm so glad to finally get out! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha!
:'''Koops''': Honestly, Dad... Don't you know how worried about you we all were? For ten long years we all thought you'd... you know! We thought your game was over!
:'''Koopley''': Oh, sorry, Son, but... I'm OK! That's good, right? We're together now, right? Hey, speaking of which... What are you doing here, anyway?
:'''Koops''': Oh, come on, Dad... I came here to defeat Hooktail, who's been wreaking havoc in town. And Mr. Mario here is looking for a gem called the Crystal Star.
:'''Koopley''': ...Crystal Star? This wouldn't be what you're talking about, would it? ''(Produces the Diamond Star)''
:'''Koops''': What's THAT?
:'''Koopley''': I found it down there in Hooktail's belly. Nice, huh? I kept it as a souvenir. So... this is the thing you're looking for? Perfect! Just perfect! You can have it! Come now! I won't take no for an answer. You're Koops's friend. Please take it!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''X-Naut''': O great, exalted Grodus! We brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!
:'''Grodus''': Well, well, well, my pet... Isn't it about time you told us where the map is? Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.
:'''Paper Princess Peach''': I'm telling you, I don't know.
:'''Grodus''': There's no point in trying to hide it, silly girl. We know you had it. We KNOW this. Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
:'''Paper Peach''': ...
:''[A screen showing an X-Naut comes up]''
:'''X-Naut 2''': Grodus, sir! I have news!
:'''Grodus''': Report at once.
:'''X-Naut 2''': You know that Crystal Star we thought maybe Hooktail had? Well, someone nabbed it.
:'''Grodus''': What? WHAT did you say? Someone else is after the Crystal Stars? And he defeated that Hooktail creature, you say? SPEAK, soldier!
:'''X-Naut 2''': Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. There's more, too. See, according to the report... it was a mustached dude in a red hat and blue overalls who pulled the job.
:'''Peach''': Mario!
:'''Grodus''': Excuse me? Mario?
:'''Peach''': Oh no!
:'''Grodus''': Gaack ack ack ack ack! I see... So you know of this Mario, do you? Hmmm... This fool matters not at all. I'll know all about him before long, that I promise. I grow bored of talking. Take Princess Peach back to the holding room.
:'''X-Naut''': Yessir!
:'''Grodus''': And men! Take good care of Princess Peach. Understand? She is not to be harmed.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir!
:''[The X-Nauts lead Peach away]''
:'''Grodus''': Well, Lord Crump. If this Mario character has the map, then it's highly likely he'll find the Crystal Star we're hunting in the Boggly Woods. You must return there immediately and hasten the excavation. It must not fail.
:'''Lord Crump''': Whuzzat?!? Oh, yeah, sure! Roger, Grodus! And with that... Pow! I'm gone! ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I wonder if sending Lord Crump there alone is wise... He is a bit... out there... Hmmm... X-Naut! I summon you!
:''[X-Naut enters]''
:'''X-Naut''': You rang, dude? I mean, sir? You rang, sir, Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Shut up. Go get the Shadow Sirens over here.
:'''X-Naut''': The Sh-Shadow Sirens, sir? But they...
:'''Grodus''': I don't care how you planned to end that sentence, fool Go get them. Now.
:'''X-Naut''': Gotcha! ''[Leaves]''

*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach.
:'''Paper Peach''': Huh? What? Who said that? Where are you?
:'''TEC''': How amusing. I am right here, before your eyes. I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may. Sir Grodus created me to be a perfect computer, one that is flawless in its reason.
:'''Paper Peach''': Grodus... Wait, he's that awful dome-headed thing that interrogated me, right?
:'''TEC''': Sir Grodus is not awful. He is a very great person. He is marvelous.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, I don't think so. But I doubt I'll change your mind... So, I'm wondering... Why did you lead me in here?
:'''TEC''': I am unsure. An unusual program deviation occurred when I observed you earlier. My higher-brain circuitry malfunctioned and nearly overheated at your image. Also, an unidentified impulse sped through my processors. These events are new to me. There is more to this phenomenon, as well. I ran diagnostic programs... and their solution was... I want to know more about you. I want to observe you. Such a compulsion has no precedence. Cause unknown. I, the perfect computer... I must diagnose this unusual situation. I will not fail. That is why I led you here.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait... Did you just say... You want to observe me? ...To know more about me? ''[Gasps]'' Could it be that you... No! Impossible! It can't be. You're a computer...
:'''TEC''': What has happened to me? If you know my malfunction, you must tell me of it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh, I couldn't, really... Because... &lt;small&gt;..it's just too weird.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': Please tell me. Please. I am the world's best computer. I am perfect. There should not be anything that I do not understand. Please.
:'''Paper Peach''': Well, you know, maybe... Is it possible that, well... you're... in love... &lt;small&gt;...with me?&lt;/small&gt;
:'''TEC''': &quot;Love&quot;? What is &quot;love&quot;? I cannot compute this.
:'''Paper Peach''': Wait, you don't know what love is? Love... How do I explain? Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smiling... having fun. When you love someone, you will do anything to help when he or she is in trouble.
:'''TEC''': Happiness? Fun...? I have definitions for these words, but... My programming is insufficient. There should be nothing I cannot comprehend. I am a perfect computer.
:'''Paper Peach''': &quot;Comprehend&quot; love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it.
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach... Will you teach me to feel this thing you call &quot;love&quot;?
:'''Paper Peach''': What? You're a computer! Why would you care about love?
:'''TEC''': I am perfect. There must be nothing that I cannot comprehend. Nothing. That is why you must help me understand this thing called &quot;love.&quot; Please.

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser! Terrible news! Some bold fool abducted Princess Peach in Rogueport!
:'''Paper Bowser''': HUHHH-WWWHHAAATTT?!? Tell me you're lying, Kammy! How? When? WHERE? Who'd do such a thing? Besides me?
:'''Kammy''': I'm afraid we don't have that information quite yet... The investigation's ongoing. One thing is most certainly confirmed, however: the princess has been kidnapped.
:'''Paper Bowser''': Under NO circumstances is ANYONE allowed to kidnap her without MY say-so!!! I will NOT stand for this! I'm going to Rogueport, NOW! I've gotta kidnap her back!

=== Chapter 2 - The Great Boggly Tree ===
*'''Punio''': Elder!
:'''Puni Elder''': Punio! Is that you? You're looking well.
:'''Punio''': Why are you so calm, Elder? You're trapped! And this is our daring rescue of you!
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, a rescuing, is it? Well, thanks, I suppose. Those are quite exciting, but... I think you ought to help the other Punies before you rescue me.
:'''Punio''': Where are the others?
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[As Petuni speaks]'' Hrmmmmmmm... Let me think... Where was I? Ah. Yes. Right. Your question. The rest of the Punies...
:'''Petuni''': Big brother, is that my Punio!?!
:'''Punio''': ''[Runs over to where Petuni is]'' Petuni, thank heavens! You're here, you're safe!
:'''Petuni''': I knew you'd come for me, Punio! I just KNEW it!
:'''Punio''': Of course I would, dear sister! And I've brought us a mighty ally! Look at him! We're going to get you out of there right away, I swear. You just hold tight a second.
:'''Petuni''': OK!
:'''Punio''': ''[Turns to Mario]'' Mario, listen... we've got to find the cell key or we're going nowhere!

*'''Punio''': Elder! We're back! We're here to rescue you!
:'''Puni Elder''': FOOLISH CHILD! Punio! Sit down this instant and keep your mouth shut!
:'''Punio''': Huh? What? Why? What did I do? Uh... Listen, Elder, I don't know why you're mad, but we came here to help you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Stop your mumbling, you! And mind your elders! You whelp! How could abandon your poor sister and run off like that... Absolutely shameful!
:'''Punio''': But... But, Elder... I just went to find help... To help rescue you...
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh, stop with the whining! You never interrupt an elder mid-lecture! NEVER! You wonder why the other Punies call you a &quot;doofus&quot; sometimes? That's why. And your time to be a doofus is over, because you have to lead our Puni tribe one day! That day is not far off! ...And THAT is why you need to listen! Now, first of all...
:''[Several hours later...]''
:'''Puni Elder''': ...Or else! You got that? From now on, you've got to get your act together, Punio!
:'''Punio''': Yes, Elder. Yes, I understand.
:'''Puni Elder''': Bah! Only answer ONCE! ...But say, by the way, why are you here, anyway?
:'''Punio''': Uh, I was just telling you... We came to rescue everyone. We started with you, Elder.
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Is that so? Well, good! In that case, get me out of here already! Criminy! This cell is cold, which isn't good for the old back, and there's this damp stench... ''[Leaves the cell]''
:'''Punio''': Uh... Well, there she goes... Enough standing around! ''[Runs to Petuni's cell]'' Just you wait, Petuni! I'll be right back for you!
:'''Petuni''': OK, big brother! I'll be waiting!

*'''Puni Elder''': You won't be going any farther this a-way!
:'''Lord Crump''': What?!? Are you nuts? Move it, you old geezer!
:'''Puni Elder''': ''[Enlarges]'' WHAT?!? Did you just call me an &quot;old geezer&quot;? Where do you get off, talking like that? You got no respect, brat! Don't think my age has a thing to do with my might! Even if it kills me, I won't let you through! I'm ready! ELDER POWER ACTIVATE!
:'''Lord Crump''': Whoa. What's your problem, gramma? You got an ear hair tickling your brain, or what?
:'''Puni Elder''': Oh! Ooh! What the... OUCH! ...Can't... take... another.. step... Ooooog... ''[Her back cracks]'' What a time for my stupid back to start acting up!
:'''Lord Crump''': You hotheaded old coot! You dare defy me? I could shine my boots with you!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''TEC''': Hello, Princess Peach. I am glad you came.
:'''Paper Peach''': That mail I sent to Mario... Did it reach him all right?
:'''TEC''': Yes. I can confirm that Mario received the mail.
:'''Paper Peach''': Is that so? Well, good... So what do you want from me today? Is there more you want to know of love?
:'''TEC''': You expressed regret earlier that you would not be able to dance at a ball, correct?
:'''Paper Peach''': Ex-CUSE me?!? Were you eavesdropping?
:'''TEC''': I am sorry, Princess Peach. I have been ordered to keep surveillance on you. But... it is odd... When you said that, I had an impulse to dance with you as well. How my CPU would produce this impulse is inexplicable. I must find what caused it.
:'''Paper Peach''': Find out what caused it? There's no reason behind such a feeling, TEC. Wanting to do something together... It's part of love. {{small|I know it.}} But then again... You are... well... a computer...
:'''TEC''': Princess Peach. Please dance with me.
:'''Peach''': Wait... Wait just a minute! What... am I supposed to do? You say you want to dance? It's just so... bizarre... I mean, how in the world can I dance with you? You have no arms. Or feet. Or moves.
:'''TEC''': Would this be an acceptable dance substitute?
:''[A hologram of Paper Peach appears]''
:'''Paper Peach''': Oh my goodness! Is that me? Did you create that? ......Oh, all right, I guess. I must say, though, it's going to feel weird, dancing with myself...

==== Bowser Interlude ====
*'''Bowser''': I've found you, my Princess. I, Bowser, the mighty Koopa king, offer my greeting!
:'''&quot;Peach&quot;''': .............
:'''Bowser''': Now, now! None of that silent treatment! You're coming to my castle with me!
:'''Kammy''': Mweh heh heh! Clearly she's so overcome with joy that she's been left speechless! The mind of a maiden is, well, rather... complicated. Mweh heh heh heh heh!
:'''Bowser''': Gra ha ha ha ha ha ha! I see! I see! How refined! How elegant! Awesome! I suppose I could live with a silent princess! It might even have its perks, you know?
:'''Koopa''': NOOOOOO! My... My life's treasure! I'd rather die than give up my life-sized Peach poster! ''[Rolls up his poster and runs inside the house]''
:'''Bowser''': P-POSTER???
:'''Kammy''': Oh, my goodness me... Didn't see that coming...
:'''Bowser''': Great. Just great. Now I look like the huge, mighty king of GUYS WHO TALK TO POSTERS!

=== Chapter 3 - Of Glitz and Glory ===
*'''Rawk Hawk''': That's right! Unh! I think it's about time for you to FEEL THE RAAAAAWK! ''[Defeats the Koopinator]'' Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!
:'''Grubba''': Hooooo-WEEEEEE! CHAMP! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharhar! ''[Holds up the champion's belt]''

*'''Jolene''': Well, here we are. This is your locker room. You're starting in the minor league, of course, as you've just now started your career. If you don't like this dingy room, I suggest you work your way through the ranks.

*'''Rawk Hawk''': Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... ''[Turns around and sees Mario]'' It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales! Man, I came all the way over her for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!
:'''&quot;Yoshi Kid&quot;''': ''[Mario realises something and turn to him]'' What's your deal, Gonzales, huh? Oh! The champ's belt... ''[Walks over to look]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': What in the... Hey! You! Get too close to the Hawk and you might get RAWKED!
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird. I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! ''[Mario agrees]''
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Hey, you think you can just smack-talk the Rawk Hawk? I DON'T THINK SO! You got some guts, calling my belt a fake, you shrimpy, no-belt-having wimps! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?!?
:'''&quot;Paper Yoshi Kid&quot;''': Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!
:'''Rawk Hawk''': Stop making fun of me, punk! You're alive ONLY 'cause we ain't in the ring right now! If I see you under those lights, I'll tear you apart! Remember the RAWWWWWWK! ''[Leaves]''

==== Peach interlude ====
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Disguised as an X-Naut]'' Excuse me... Sir Grodus?
:'''Grodus''': Yes, what is it? Speak!
:'''Paper Peach''': Er, well... It's about Princess Peach... What do you plan to do with her going forward?
:'''Grodus''': Hmmmmmm? Something is wrong with your voice, X-Naut.
:'''Paper Peach''': ''[Gulps]''
:'''Grodus''': Perhaps I have a throat lozenge... No. Well, never mind. Oh, about Princess Peach? I have no interest in what that woman has to say. Just keep her locked in the room. But don't ever, EVER treat her roughly. You understand? Tell the others as well.
:'''Peach''': But... Uh, why... Why in the world are we keeping her here, then?
:'''Grodus''': That's none of your business! Don't forget your place, you impudent worm! Concentrate on getting the legendary treasure! That is all I require of you. We X-Nauts need that treasure to conquer the world! Don't forget it!
:'''Paper Peach''': Conquer... the world? Legendary... treasure?
:'''Grodus''': What are you blathering about now? Hmmmmm... something IS odd about you...
:'''Paper Peach''': N... No... Nothing odd! Uh, so... roger, or whatever. P-please excuse me. ''[Leaves]''

==== Bowser interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Stupid, cheating Mario... Who would've thought that fool would be in Glitzville...
:'''Kammy''': Did you say something, your Rudeness?
:'''Paper Bowser''': Uh, no! Nothing at all, as far as you know! Hey! Did you see those little bite-size shrimps? What were those things?
:'''Kammy''': Those were some Punies. One of them should know about the Crystal Star... They fear you, so they're all hiding. Let's find them all and get the info we need.

=== Chapter 4 - For Pigs the Bell Tolls ===
*'''Freddy:''' Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... This is so awful... Who could it be now? ''[Turns into a pig]''

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee... Yes... This time we'll take that Mario and get his map! With this Superbomb here, there's no way we can fail. No, not likely...
:'''Marilyn:''' Guhhhh...
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian! Hand me that glorious Superbomb!
:'''Vivian:''' Huh?
:'''Beldam:''' Vivian... Don't you dare... Does that &quot;Huh?&quot; mean what I think it does?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I never had it! You were holding it just two seconds ago! You said it was too important to trust me with!
:'''Beldam:''' Oh, you terrible LIAR! Stop making up stories to cover for yourself! If I don't have it, then OBVIOUSLY you must have it! And OBVIOUSLY you lost it! Or... are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lollygagging worm?
:'''Vivian:''' I... No, of course not, Beldam...
:'''Beldam:''' Well, we can't do much without it, now can we?!? Oh, you are SUCH an idiot... Very well... I'm sure you must have dropped it around here somewhere... So why don't you go look for it while Marilyn and I go take a well-earned siesta. And if you don't find it... Well, you know what'll happen, don't you?
:'''Vivian:''' I... I get punished...
:'''Beldam:''' That's right, you little twit, so get cracking! Come, Marilyn. Let's leave this useless little fool to her chore.
:'''Marilyn:''' Guh-huh...
:''[Beldam and Marilyn leave]''

==== Bowser Interlude ====
:'''Paper Bowser''': Haaaack... Oooooooog... A-CHOO! That was terrible... I gotta get into shape...
:'''Paper Bob-Omb''': Who's...? WAAAAUGH!!! It's Bowser, the Koopa king!!!
:'''Green Paper Toad''': He'll eat us!
:'''Orange Paper Toad''': Someone help!
:''[The townsfolk run as Kammy flies in with Glitzville merchandise]''
:'''Kammy''': THERE you are, Lord Bowser! What are you doing here? I've been looking all over! If I may ask, where have you been, Your Sogginess?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ...Swimming.
:'''Kammy''': Really? Neat! As for me... Glitzville was FANTASTIC! The fights were SO COOL! I was overcome! Why, even at my age, I was shaking what my momma gave me! And then... the Hot Dogs! Oh, my gracious! YUMMERLY! You have fun, too? Hm?
:'''Paper Bowser''': ... GRAAARGH!!! ''[Breathes fire on Kammy]''
:'''Kammy''': Lord Bowser... Is that a &quot;no&quot;?
:'''Paper Bowser''': It was terrible! You hear me? I swallowed a dang blooper! I wanted to have FUN! But forget it! It's over! Go get me some solid info on Princess Peach and the Crystal Stars! NOW!!!

=== Chapter 5 - The Key to Pirates ===
*'''Flavio''': And what about you, Squinty? You turned to jelly when you saw all those ghosts!
:'''Pa-Patch''': What are you talkin' 'bout?!? You were the one quakin' in 'is boots, fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': ...wait. Wait one moment. Did... Did you just call the great Flavio &quot;fancy pants&quot;?
:'''Pa-Patch''': That's right, fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants!
:'''Flavio''': Why, you little CYCLOPS! Flavio demands satisfaction! You! Me! Hammers! At dawn!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, that's right fine by me! I can't wait to put a few dents in those fancy threads!

*'''Cortez''': NOOOOOOOO! My treasure! ''[Shrinks]'' I am done for... ''[Grows again]'' Yohohohohohohoho! You are foolish, amigo! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead... but my spirit endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!
:''[Mario raises his arm]''
:'''Cortez''': What? You are not even interested in my treasure?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': Then why are you here?
:''[Mario indicates the Sapphire Star in Cortez's treasure pile]''
:'''Cortez''': Huh?!? You want this, amigo?
:''[Mario nods]''
:'''Cortez''': This little rock over here? Are you serious? Well, that's no big deal... Here, take it. What do I need one or two extra gems for? I did not really like that one, anyway. ''[Gives Mario the Sapphire Star]''

*'''Flavio''': Ah, Mario! Welcome back to you, my stalwart captain! So... have you found the treasure? How is our little expedition faring, hm?
:''[Paper Mario speaks]''
:'''Pa-Patch''': What?!? The spirit o' Cortez was guardin' the treasure? An' you beat 'im, but you left all the treasure there?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! What were you THINKIN'?!? Were you tryin' to be NICE?!? Awww, well... That's what I like about you, I guess...

*'''Four-Eyes''': So sorry to surprise you... No, wait... No need for that fake politeness anymore... Good job getting the Crystal Star! Oh, yeah! Seriously! Good job getting it for ME!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Oy, now... Ain't that good ol' Four-Eyes?
:'''Green Toad''': Yeah, that IS Four-Eyes! What's he doing over there? HEEEEEEEY! FOUR-EYES! IT'S DANGEROUS UP THERE!
:'''Four-Eyes''': ''[Fires his ship's cannon]'' Pffffft! What's with this lukewarm reception, huh? Dramatic entrance, here! Oh, whatever! I'll spell it out for you idiots! You may have known me as Four-Eyes... But I'm actually... ''[Sheds his disguise]''
:'''Lord Crump''': Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! The great LORD CRUMP!!! Oh, MAN, did I fool you! I was the mastermind in the shadows, running this voyage! It HURTS to be this good! Now, Mario! Enough of this! I'm on a schedule, here! Hand over the Crystal Star! ...Because you know what'll happen if you don't... ''[Fires the cannon again]'' STARBOARD CANNONS! PORT CANNONS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
:'''Flavio''': AIIIYEEEEEEE! YIKES! Four-Eyes was a pirate all this time? Madness! Well, what are we all standing around for? Cannons, people! We must flee!
:'''Pa-Patch''': Look, we're sailors... We're not much good for anythin' wifout a ship to sail!
:'''Flavio''': Wait! I have it! I am a genius! We have a ship at hand! And a fine one, I must say! Mario! Take me... to Cortez! Yes, my brain remembered what you said! You said that Cortez had a ship! If the legend is true, then we should be unstoppable in that cursed ship!
:'''Green Toad''': Flavio, what are you talking about? That's crazy! This is Cortez the pirate you're talking about, here! Even if Mario did beat him... Why would he lend YOU his ship, huh? He'll cream you! Kuh-ree-eem you!
:'''Flavio''': Hey! I may be a coward and a cad, but I still lead you! I have a duty to protect you! We will be cannon fodder if we sit and wag our tongues! We must at least try Cortez! I want to hear no complaints! I am your leader, and I will negotiate with this Cortez! Now, Mario! Take me to this pirate scum, this instant!

==== Peach Interlude ====
*'''Grodus''': You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me.
:'''Lord Crump''': Look, I'm sorry. Seriously. We thought... We thought we had the guy cornered, but...
:'''Grodus''': Stop talking, Lord Crump. You just stand by until my next order. And, Lord Crump? Think of this as your last chance. Understand?
:'''Lord Crump''': Roger that.
:'''Grodus''': Then leave. ''[Lord Crump disappears]'' Hey! You there!
:''[An X-Naut walks up to Sir Grodus]''
:'''X-Naut''': What is it, sir?
:'''Grodus''': Tell the Shadow Sirens to attack Mario again. And tell them not to fail this time.
:'''X-Naut''': You got it, sir. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Grodus''': I have one Crystal Star in my hands... and Mario has five. I must take some measures.

=== Chapter 6 - 3 Days of Excess ===
*'''Zip Toad:''' Hey, I think not, Slick! You think you can hold me? No Way! Beldam would flip if I let that happen! ''[Reveals himself to be--]''
:'''Doopliss:''' This whole Zip Toad thing was just a means to an end! It's me, suckers! Doopliss! Beldam's plan to gooify Mario didn't exactly work, so I'll be cutting and running now! I'll leave the rest to Beldam! See ya, suckers!

*'''Excess Express Conductor:''' Thank you! Boy, it's like all you di for three days was save us! How can we ever thank you?
:'''Excess Express Waitress:''' Everyone's safe now!☆ It's all thanks to you!!☆
:'''Chef Shimi:''' OH, THANK YOU MUCH! You shaved my life! No! Stupid tongue of mine! You SAVED my life!
:'''Pennington:''' So, did you all know? This dashing fellow has been the famous Luigi all along!
:'''Excess Express Conductor:''' We will soon arrive at Poshley Heights! Ladies and gentlemen... Please prepare to disembark.

*'''Goldbob:''' You wouldn't happen to have a train set for sale, would you? A gold one, perhaps?

*'''Beldam:''' Mwee hee hee hee hee! You're one step too late! We have the Crystal Star!
:''[Beldam and Marilyn teleport away, leaving Doopliss behind]''
:'''Doopliss:''' Hey! Don't leave without me! ''[Jumps out the broken window]''

====Peach Interlude====
*'''Grodus:''' What is the matter with you idiots? Falling for a fake Crystal Star? That's asinine!
:'''X-Naut:''' Sorry, dude. I mean, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' So let me guess... This means Mario managed to get the real Crystal Star?
:'''X-Naut:''' Uh, I'm gonna say... maybe?
:'''Grodus:''' Urrgh… This mustached menace has nearly every Crystal Star now! They were mine! I think I'd better alter my plan a bit...
:'''X-Naut:''' Before you do, Sir Grodus… I think I'd better tell you something...
:'''Grodus:''' What is it, fool?!?
:'''X-Naut:''' ''[Approaches Grodus]'' ...Mumble mumble…
:'''Grodus:''' WHAAAAAAAAT?!? Are you sure?!? Speak!
:'''X-Naut:''' No joke, dude. I mean, affirmative, Sir Dude! That is... I'm positive, sir!
:'''Grodus:''' Hrrrrgh… TREASON!

*'''Grodus:''' TEC... You miserable machine. We all know what you're up to, traitor.
:'''TEC:''' Sir Grodus... I...
:'''Grodus:''' In my most paranoid moments, I never thought my own computer would betray me. Well, it doesn't really matter in the end, I suppose... Especially since it ends here.
:'''Peach:''' You monster! What are you planning to do with him?!?
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Only one thing to do with a malfunctioning computer! Cut the circuit and delete all the programs and data that caused the malfunction! Obviously, all data relating to Princess Peach must go, as well... Yes, we must be absolutely sure nothing like this ever happens again...
:'''TEC:''' No... I am... I am normal... There is no malfunction...
:'''Grodus:''' Pipe down, TEC. X-Nauts: at the same time, press the red buttons on TEC's sides.
:'''X-Nauts:''' Got it, sir! ''[Push the red buttons]''
:'''Paper Peach:''' TEC! NO!
:'''TEC:''' Mail... sent........... Princess Peach........ I.........l.........o......v..........e...........y...........o........u.......... ..... ... .. .
:'''Tannoy:''' Deletion complete.
:'''Paper Peach:''' '''TEC!'''
:'''Grodus:''' Gaaack ack ack ack! Too bad, Princess Peach. TEC is no longer with us.
:'''Paper Peach:''' No! You inhuman beast! How could you?
:'''Grodus:''' Princess Peach... just stop it. This is no time to be worrying about a computer. We have some very important things for you to do now... Yes, VERY important...

====Bowser Interlude====
*'''Bowser:''' Grrrrmph... Hrrrgh... Bluh. I've got no Crystal Stars... I can't find Princess Peach... Twilight Town was... Well, it wasn't exactly glorious. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!? If this keeps up, Mario's gonna steal everything from my grasp! AS USUAL!!!
:'''Kammy:''' Your Massiveness! ''[Flies down to Bowser]'' We did it! The Magikoopa scouts found a suspicious underground chamber! It isn't even on any maps! Yeah! REALLY suspicious! SOMETHING must be there!

=== Chapter 7 - Mario Shoots the Moon ===
*'''TEC''': You... are Mario... are... you not? It... is pleasant to meet you... I... am the main computer of this fortress... I am TEC. I must tell you something.... That is why... I brought you to this place... Princess P... Peach.......... I... am so s... sorry. Most of my data was er... erased... and my main power unit was shut... down. Now running on backup power with... only cached memory... trying to stay... operational. M... Mario... You know that peach is not here, do you not? Please save... Peach... Please... please... Princess Peach... is... with Grodus in the... Palace of Shadow... I had to... tell you that... But... backup... power... failing... Mario... Use... the teleporter room... to get back to... Rogueport. Teleporter room is... on... sublevel... 2... of the fortress... I will release... the room lock.
:'''Vivian''': Princess Peach is in the Palace of Shadow?
:'''TEC''': Please hurry... There is barely enough... power left... to activate the teleporter............ I will... cease all AI functions... to send power to... the teleporter... for you.
:'''Vivian''': But... what'll happen to you?
:'''TEC''': When the power is all gone... I will... Cease to exist... as an artificial consciousness. But... if it will... save Peach... I would... gladly do this. Because until I met Peach... I knew nothing of... love... Do not worry... about me... I am just a computer... Just... a... machine... Mario... You must save Peach... I ask you... Please... And tell her... Thank you... for... me...
:'''Vivian''': We understand, TEC.
:'''TEC''': So... Hurry to the teleporter room... now... Mario... Save... her... ''(Shuts down)''

=== Chapter 8 - The Thousand-Year Door===
*'''Bowser''': Urrrgh... That was a surprise... I didn't think I'd fall... Have I put on weight?
:'''Kammy Koopa''': Your chunkiness! Are you OK? ''[Flies down to Bowser]''
:''[Bowser gets up and notices Mario in front of him]''
:'''Bowser''': GWAAAAAAAAAAARF! Why is MARIO here?!?
:''[Kammy turns to see Peach]''
:'''Kammy Koopa''': And Peach as well?!?
:'''Bowser''': I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna put an end to it RIGHT NOW! Mario! First, I pound you. Then, I take the Princess! And then, the treasure!

*'''Shadow Queen''': Who... has called me back?
:'''Grodus''': It is I, my Shadow Queen!
:'''Shadow Queen''': You... Very well... Where is the vessel?
:'''Grodus''': It is here! The girl who lies before you!
:'''Shadow Queen''': Yessss... A fine vessel... Now... ''[Possesses Peach]''

*'''Shadow Peach''': Muh huh huh huh huh... Witness my rebirth... My soul has not yet fully accustomed to this vessel... But I will learn to control this body soon enough...
:'''Vivian''': P-Peach...
:'''Grodus''': yes, my glorious witch queen... Destroy these impudent fools!
:'''Shadow Peach''': Who are you that would command me? What sort of being are you?
:'''Grodus''': Huh? What do you mean?!? I thought you were bound to obey the one who woke you! Enough of this prattle! Do as I say!!! NOW! Or I will send you back to the depths...
:'''Shadow Peach''': ''[Destroys Grodus' body]'' You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me. ''[Destroys Grodus' head]'' My powers are not yet fully restored... But... they will come in time...

=== Ending ===

== Rogueport Direct Mail Service ==

=== RDM Registration ===
:Dear Mr. MARIO!
:Thanks for registering with Rogueport Direct Mail (RDM) service.
:Your kind friend MR. FRANKLY, referred you to us.
:Our direct mail service will provide you with regular, timely news updates. We hope you enjoy our service!

=== RDM Premiere Issue ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Bringing you all the up-to-the-moment news as it happens! We have details of yet another incident at the parlor in West Rogueport. Outraged by the high Pianta prices, Goomfrey (age 30) is suspected of violently shaking the Pianta Changer (age 5), causing the Pianta Changer's alarm to sound, which lead to the Pianta changer ceasing to function for a brief period. The parlor was forced to close down temporarily. The victim was quoted as saying: &quot;I am a machine. No matter how hard I am shook, I feel no pain. End interview.&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Get all the hottest shopping news about all the hottest shopping spots in the world! If Petalburg's your destination, you can't miss the shop that's been the talk of the town for the last 20 years: Niff T.'s shop! The friendly owner has long thought to be the most eligible bachelor in town, but word is he's secretly in love with the girl at the inn! The wise and witty shopkeeper had this to say: &quot;You only live once, so enjoy it while you can! Shop now at good old Niff T.'s shop!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Interested in cooking but don't know what to cook? Try our chef's delicious suggestions! Today's yummy recipe: Fried Shrooms! Just season your mushrooms, sauté them up, and they're ready for the dinner table!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We hope you enjoyed RDM's premiere issue! You can look forward to future editions coming your way soon!

=== RDM Issue 2 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Old Toad settles in!''
:It's come to light that after settling into life at our inn, Toadsworth (age 60) has often been spotted in the company of Zess T. (age 55). The notoriously finicky Zess T. surprised all when she was heard saying &quot;What's wrong with spending time with my little Toadle-toes?&quot; The possibilities such a comment opens has our eyes and ears glued to the situation!
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:Our focus of attention this week? Pungent's Great Tree Shop!
:Pungent's easygoing management philosophy is: &quot;Money and girls are fickle, so easy come, easy go, y'know?&quot; He fully understands why his shop isn't busier, too: &quot;We're well hidden, but like any good treasure, we're worth lookin' for!&quot; He even has a special offer for RDM readers: &quot;For the next 15 minutes, I'll give you double shop points!&quot;
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Today's Yummy Recipe: Spicy Soup!
:Steep a Fire Flower in hot water and... Presto! You're done! The perfect first meal for kids to cook!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We've been working all night to bring you this edition of RDM. Look forward to more hot, hot news in Issue 3, coming soon!

=== RDM Issue 3 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Noon, Today''
:The Excess Express ran late for the first time in ten years today as a suspicious incident activated station security measures. Area youth and huge train enthusiast Laki (age 18) was found taking pictures in an employee-only area near the Express and was gang-tackled by local Samaritans. &quot;I understand how much people are into trains, but we've got safety and security measures to uphold!&quot; blustered the train engineer. The youth was released with just a warning... this time.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we highlight Glitzville Sales Stall!
:Though they've never attracted as many customers as the nearby Hot Dog Stand, the proprietor is certain that any day now, people will in fact notice that his shop exists! Early on in our interview, the owner of the nearby Hot Dog Stand cornered our reporter and had this to say: &quot;Who needs Sales Stall! My Hot Dog gives you all you want! Only 10 coins now!&quot; A minor scuffle broke out shortly thereafter, but we're happy to report that no one was seriously injured. Apparently everyone in Glitzville knows how to roll with a punch...
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Hey there, rookies! Flex your bendy straws, because today's recipe is for Fresh Juice! Just blend Honey Syrup until you reach a nice, frothy texture and enjoy! Try one in the morning to start your day off right!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:We're just getting started, people! Wait until you see the glorious next issue!

=== RDM Issue 4 ===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:''Dusk, Today''
:Goomez (age 40), known for napping in the flowers in the west side park, was found eating flowers and given a stern warning by authorities. Asked for comment, Goomez stated, &quot;Well, I just really, really love flowers, and I was hanging out, and before I knew it, they were in my mouth... I'm so ashamed.&quot; Citizens of Rogueport responded with disbelief and grudging support for strengthening of flower-conservation efforts.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, we introduce the Twilight Shop!
:Watching the husband and wife proprietors of this shop at work is a heartwarming sight, but don't get on the hubby's bad side! &quot;Don't you go smiling at MY wife!&quot; says the jovially jealous shopkeeper. &quot;I'm hers for life, and your fancy big-city teeth aren't gonna change that!&quot; Well, who could doubt their eternal love? Surely not this reporter. We pressed the shopkeeper for further comment, but regret that his words are unprintable here...But we did learn from the little missus that there will be a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show her this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:All right, my little rookies, we're on to an intermediate-level recipe today! The dish is a Healthy Salad... Just slice up a Turtley Leaf and a Horsetail, mix them together, and you're done! Great for dieters!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:That's all for today! But check your mailbox soon for another exciting issue!

===RDM Issue 5===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:Local mystic Merluvlee (age 25) was taken to the hospital today, followed quickly by hordes of concerned fans. Luckily, according to a spokesperson for the hospital, Merluvlee suffered from nothing more than a severe case of indigestion caused by a wild binge on eight Shroom Steaks. The divine diviner exclaimed that her &quot;aura was brimming with the power of steak,&quot; but this reporter can't help but wonder why she failed to predict the gastrointestinal adventure in the first place...
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This time, let's head to Keelhaul Galleria!
:We are proud to toast the entrepreneurial spirit shown by the managerial team who brought free commerce to this deserted island! &quot;I really wanted to do something that had never been done,&quot; gushed the unsinkable proprietor and former fight fan. &quot;So call me 'The Invincible Shopmaster' from now on. I'm 100% serious. Print that.&quot; We wish him all the success that he can grab with two hands and wrestle to the mat!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:Listen up, rookies, because here's another intermediate-level recipe! Today's dish is the single-serving Peach Tart! Take a Peachy Peach, add Cake Mix, stir, and bake! Try that at teatime, rookies...
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Thanks for reading the best rag in the land! See you next issue!

===RDM Issue 6===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:An unknown businessman (age 30) was taken into custody today by port authorities as he tried to board the blimp carrying large amounts of a volatile red liquid. After a few tense moments, authorities identified the liquid as a spicy condiment, and the businessman was subsequently released. Our RDM reporters were mystified by the following unsolicited comment: &quot;Buy our new Hot Sauce, folks!&quot;
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week, we have the pleasure of introducing the fabulously luxurious shop on the Excess Express, the Sales Stall!
:This unique boutique on the exclusive train of the independently wealthy just reeks of money, but perhaps the idyllic landscapes rushing past will loosen your purse strings! Says the impeccably dressed manager of sales: &quot;Come one, come all, be you rich or not at all, to our lovely Sales Stall!&quot; He then announced a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show him this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is it, rookies! You've finally made it to the big leagues! Today's recipe is an advanced-level one. Today, we'll be making Ink Pasta. Just boil Fresh Pasta until perfectly al dente and mix lightly with Inky Sauce. Perfecto! Get ready for gourmet chow tonight!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:Can you believe it, dear readers? The next issue will be our last! Don't miss it!

===RDM Issue 7===
:'''Rogueport Today'''
:In a shocking series of event today, local authorities report that Zess T. (age 55) delivered a left hook to the jaw of gadabout Flavio (age 25) late this very afternoon. Our investigation has revealed that the cause of the feisty fisticuffs may have been Zess T.'s anger that a shipment of gourmet ingredients spoiled on the dock because Flavio had held up the dock crew with a marathon two-day tale of high-seas adventure. While Flavio is recovering from temporary memory loss, Zess T. has already been approached by a Glitz Pit talent scout, Don Goombatti. &quot;I think the kid's got spunk. We'll take the world by storm!&quot; said Goombatti.
:'''Shop Reporter Go!'''
:This week we have an explosive exclusive on the shop in Fahr Outpost, Northwinds Mart!
:It's so cold there that all of the merchandise is frozen to the counter...Just kidding! The smiling shop manager showed us a fascinating variety of good as the sweet-faced little miss explained, &quot;It's cold out, but I do best to explode inside shop to warm place up, da? So come on it! This place is big, too, folks, so we haven't even seen all of it yet! Come on down and see it for yourself!
:'''Cooking for Rookies'''
:This is the final installment of Cooking for Rookies! Just to make sure we leave you with a smile on your face, our last recipe will be for Couple's Cake! Just simmer Spicy Soup for a few minutes, then drop in a Snow Bunny...and presto! Before your very eyes, the mixture will congeal and take the form of a cake! Eat it with someone you love!
:'''Editor's Note'''
:This is it, dear readers! The final issue! We here at the RDM office have enjoyed every minute of our hard work to bring you the best news and features! May we meet again...perhaps sooner than you think! (Wink, wink...)

== Luigi's Adventure in the Waffle Kingdom ==
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Well, like I said, it's a really long story, but here goes.

=== Part 1: Waffle Kingdom Letter ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' My big brother - that's you, Bro - got a letter from Princess Peach and took off. Left behind as usual, I was cooking a snack at home when another letter arrived. We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking, &quot;Huh?&quot;. This is what the letter said: &quot;Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe&quot;. Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that. With Mario - that's you, Bro - gone, it fell to me to answer this plea! Hesitating only a teensy bit, I headed to the Waffle Kingdom to invesigate. Oh, no, first, I wrote a note to myself about what I was cooking. Then I left. Once I reached the Waffle Kingsome, I met Minister Crepe, who filled me in. The Chestnut King had kidnapped Princess Eclair and vanished. Apparently, though, some oracle said a Mavelous Compass could locate her. This Marvelous Compass had been broken into several parts by an ancient curse... and those parts had been scattered across the land. Can you believe it, Bro? Each part of the Marvelous Compass was said to point to the next. And since one of the parts was embedded in the tiara worn by the princess... I surmised that once I collected all the parts, I'd find her. Smart, huh? The minister gave me the compass base spoken of in Waffle fables... When it activated, the entire thing lit right up, indicating the deep south... It was pointing me toward the Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent. So, yeah, here I am! I'm sailing out of Rogueport for Rumblebump Volcano.It's probably gonna be pretty dangerous, but... I gotta rescue that princess!

=== Part 2: Rumblebump Volcano ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as my ship docked on the Pudding Continent, I set out for the volcano. To reach my destination, I spent several days fording through dense jungle... Scary beasts were all over! More than once I thought I was done for, Bro! I may have screamed a bit. To scare them off, you know. But as fate would have it... A Blooper named Blooey heard me shrieking and found me in this one town. Blooey was on a journey of his own, but he joined me after hearing my tale. Now, Blooey's a madman. Back in his hometown, they call him 'White Torpedo'! Yeah, he's a tough guy. Anyway, he helped me fight to Rumplebumb Volcano. This place was all about bubbling lava pools and heat that'd make the sun sweat. AND, the place was lousy with evil traps designed to protect the compass piece. The scariest one of all was this gigantic, 100-foot-tall statue that stomped around. Now, the weakness of this giant statue, Bro, was a red gem on its forehead... Now, I can jump high, but not high enough to reach this thing by a long shot. So I came up with this plan for Blooey to hit that weak spot! 'All you, man!' I said! I waited for a pause in the statue's movements and hucked Blooey up there! And bull's-eye! The White Torpedo saved the day! That jewel got whacked! It was a critical hit, and that stone statue toppled and crumbled into pieces! Once that was done, it was an easy stroll to the room where the treasure was. Unfortunately, Princess Eclair was nowhere to be found... But I got another piece of the Marvelous Compass, and put it in the base... Now the compass pointed west, to Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent. So I set sails once again and came back here to Rogueport to recharge. That's what happened to me lately, but I'll be heading back out soon.

=== Part 3: Plumpbelly Village ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on his tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another...and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it, she was sorta cute, but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to rescue Princess Éclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it, Princess Éclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rogueport. And here I am!

=== Part 4: Circuit Break Island ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Break Island, we heard this incredible racket! We soon found out that they hold kart races almost every day on the island. Whoever takes first place gets to rule the island as King for that day. Just as we got to the race track, they were holding the awards ceremony... I couldn't believe my eye! Right there, on the trophy they gave to the winner... It was another piece of the Marvelous Compass! I almost dead passed away! I decided right then and there that the only thing to do was enter the next race. I mean, I've driven in karts before, so I thought I'd be OK. Boy, was I wrong. The karts were supercharged machines that could send you airborne with their exhaust! These vehicles were armed with missiles and bazookas... It was 'anything goes,' bro! Of course, I wanted to get out of there, pronto! These drivers were crazed! But I worked up my courage and signed up anyway. And my race day finally came... I got one of the best karts: the Big Green 01! I took my position at the start line... The light went green, I stomped the accelerator... and something bad happened. I was in reverse! The Big Green 01 went rocketing backwards with me yelling... I crashed into the wall behind me hard enough to cut me off midscream. In one fell swoop, I dropped into last place and wrecked my racing machine... But it wasn't all bad news: all the other karts crashed because of my manoeuver... Once I got in gear and took off, I was the only car left! I won by a country mile, bro! I took the piece off my trophy and added it to the Marvelous Compass... The compass came to life and pointed me toward Jazzafrazz Town in the east! Then I heard that voice! Princess Eclair's voice echoed in my ears again! Oh, my Princess! Random words would form poetry if spoken by your voice! I will most definitely save you! Just wait for me! Princess Éclair!! Oh! Sorry about that, Bro... umm... So, after that, I got back on my boat... And came back here to Rogueport. And that's what's been up with me.

=== Part 5: Jazzafrazz Town ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' As soon as we hit Jazzafrazz town, we were overcome by the glitz and the glamour. It's a very lively place, Bro. Tons of Dayzees live there, and they're always smiling! While looking for a piece of the Compass, I met a hip Dayzee named Hayzee. Hayzee was a producer, and he was looking for actors to go on stage with him. I told him we couldn't, since we were looking for the compass part, you know. But Hayzee said we could WIN the compass part in the upcoming Drama Slam! He said the so-called Dramalama Plaque might, in fact, be one of the parts! Well, we just had to give it a try, so we rehearsed with the cast and hit the stage! Our musical was called &quot;The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness&quot;. The script was great, but I got really hosed, Bro... My &quot;role&quot;... My &quot;part&quot;... Was grass! I played grass by the side of the road! Grass, Bro! Grass! I just sprawled out on the ground and had to be silent. Everyone but me had lines... I don't care if I was earning green! Who casts someone based on that? It was awful! In the end, our musical was the talk of the town, and we won the Drama Slam. I got the compass part I was after, but even that didn't make me very happy. The huge after-party just bummed me out more, so I snuck out the back door. But WOW! Outside were tons of fans! MY fans! Fans of grass! They swarmed me! I just couldn't believe it! Imagine! Cheering for grass! I was ecstatic, Bro! After that I added the piece to the Marvelous Compass, which pointed north. It pointed to the Rapturous Ruins in Grimble Forest. Then... The voice again... Oh, my cherished Princess Éclair! How you soothe me! I would be grass for you... I will find you! I will reach you! I will stand by your side and be your Luigi! Wow, sorry about that, Bro. umm... So, yeah, anyway... Then I got back on my boat. I came back to Rogueport, and here I am, another leg of my adventure completed!

=== Part 6: Rapturous Ruins ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' After journeying deep into the Grimble Forest, I found the domed Rapturous Ruins. Inside, everything was pure white. You couldn't tell where the floor became walls... Proceeding dead ahead, I found myself in a chamber where a young boy sat. As I approached the boy, someone named Screamy appeared out of nowhere! Screamy said the boy's name was Cranberry, and that he'd wake for a child of fate. That didn't make any sense to me, so I started searching quietly for the compass piece. But then it happened, Bro: I got a tiny tickle in my nose, and I let out a huge sneeze! Well, Cranberry must've heard it, 'cause he opened his eyes right up! He looked at me and smiled. And all of a sudden, I could understand his language! Can you believe it? I learned that the boy was the last of an ancient race, the Luffs... He had been there guarding the Marvelous Compass piece for the last thousand years! He told me that the compass is an item with the power to see into the future... The ancient Luff empire used the power of the compass to rule much of the world. Because of their greed, they were cursed by the compass, and their empire collapsed. To prevent a repeat of their fate, Cranberry broke the compass into seven parts. He hid six and kept one, putting himself to sleep until a worthy hero woke him. I WAS that hero, Bro! He gave it to me, and then he and the ruins vanished... When I added that piece to the compass... It pointed to the far north, where Dreaded Hatesong Tower stands. This time, I heard Princess Eclair's voice more clearly than ever before! I will rescue the Princess! I will be super! And then I'll... I'll... I'll... Well, I'll figure the rest out later. Anyway, I headed back here to Rogueport after that. I'm making my final preparations for my final battle now. I'm a little nervous, Bro. But that's what I've been up to, anyway!

=== Part 7: Hatesong Tower ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Hatesong Tower stands atop a jagged, unclimbable cliff beyond the northernmost sea. The winds whistle down the cliff, howling like banshees singing songs of hate... People say it's pretty much the scariest place in the world. And I had to go there. Blocking out the bone-chilling howls, I somehow managed to reach the tower's door. I was terrified, but thoughts of Princess Éclair warmed my heart and gave me power. All of my companions felt the same way. They were with me to the bitter end. The door to the tower swung slowly open to reveal an inconceivable darkness... I tried to call out Princess Eclair's name, but I couldn't even breathe because... As I strained my eyes in the darkness, I saw the most terrifying beast of all! The Chestnut King himself appeared before me! He was monstrous and drooling! Puddles of toxic goo dripped from his mouth, melting the very ground at our feet! I couldn't stop shaking, but I gritted my teeth and faced the evil beast dead-on! I dodged the king's fangs, jumped onto his chest, and gave him a hammer-whack! My swing split the air and crashed dead-center onto the Chestnut King's skull! Hope powered me up, Bro! I was going toe-to-toe with the king, and I was loving it! &quot;This is it&quot; I thought! I can win this! I'll risk it all on my next blow! I gripped my hammer tight and waited for my moment... The tension stung me... SHHHHHWHAAAAACK! The ocean winds raged against the tower windows! With that sound as my call to battle, I advanced with no mercy in my heart! And then... And then... ''[Long pause]'' I beat him. I defeated the Chestnut King. An even worse beast came next, a nightmare thing... but I beat it too. ''[Beat]'' I rescued Princess Éclair It was all over. And then I came back to Rogueport and had a light lunch. And that's about it. ''[Beat]'' Huh? You think there's more to the story than that?

=== Part 8: Super Luigi Book ===
:'''Paper Luigi''': ''[to Paper Mario and his partner]'' Actually, know what? This guy actually novelized my adventure! He's been interviewing me! He was actually interviewing me here at the inn during breaks from my adventure! I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading a book about Luigi... But &quot;Super Luigi&quot; came out recently, and check this out, Bro: Here in Rogueport... It's set a new record for consecutive weeks at number one on the best-seller list!!! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hooray for Luigi, Bro! I started reading it the other day, but it's an encyclopedic account in multiple volumes... Excruciating detail, Bro. It's like a history book! ...It seemed like one, anyway. They've got it in the shop here in Rogueport. How about you snag a copy, Bro?

== Grifty's Tales ==
=== Part 1: The Fearsome Demon ===
*Ages ago, a city flourished here in peace in splendor, but it was destroyed in a single day by a demon from the dark beyond. Historians claim a great calamity befell the city, but nay... 'twas a demon. The city sank below ground, and one-quarter of the old city became the demon's den. This demon put fear into the hearts of all men and sent out minions to take the land. And its den, its palace, grew rich with the treasures stolen from all over the world.

=== Part 2: The Crystal Stars ===
*In order to increase its already formidable power the demon created Crystal Stars to hold the essence of the heavens. One of these stars was placed in each country to exert the demon's influence. One of the castles built to contain these stars still stands near Petal Meadows.

=== Part 3: Dragons and Dungeons ===
*The demon built a dungeon near its palace and filled it with terrifying monsters. All those who fell into disfavor were thrown into this dungeon to rot. Yea, and the demon also had three dragon pets: Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. These dragons flew across the land, spreading fear and sorrow over all. Even now, the mere mention of a dragon is enough to give some the terrors...

=== Part 4: The Hero Who Arose ===
*One day, there came a hero who could vanquish the fell demon. The young Toad from Petal Meadows was strong of arm, but shy of voice. All those around the boy teased him endlessly about the way he spoke. But when the demon cast his fearful gaze across the lands and reached out, the young Toad used strength and honor to defend his people and he became a hero to all, despite his odd voice.

=== Part 5: The Wise Goomba ===
*There was a wise Goomba from Boggly Woods gifted in knowledge of the world. When beasts rose to take the woods, this knowledge helped the people fight them. And the Goomba, who knew the way that every monster would attack, she began to think of a way to banish all monsters from the land...

=== Part 6: The Stalwart Koopa ===
*A Koopa who traveled the world alone learned of the darkness covering the land. He went alone wherever evil dwelt and banished it with shell and sheer bravado. The monsters grew to fear this scar-riddled Koopa who thwarted them at every turn. But the brave Koopa was finally taken in a trap set for him by the monsters. But then, a Boo who fought with the monsters came and used her magic to free him. The brave Koopa's spirit melted the heart of the cold Boo lass...

=== Part 7: The Four Heroes ===
*The Boo used her powerful magic to learn more about the evil they faced. &quot;We cannot destroy this darkness alone&quot; she decided, her face a grim mask. &quot;We need the Toad hero of Petal Meadows and the wise Goomba of Boggly Woods.&quot; The Boo's magic drew the four heroes together to send the demon from the world. And so, the four heroes finally set out to the Palace of Shadow...

=== Part 8: The Duel With the Demon ===
*The power of the world-devouring demon was more powerful than any could imagine, but the wise Goomba soon realized that this was the power of the Crystal Stars. She thought of a way to take the stars and use them against the demon. She told the other heroes her plan and set it in motion, banishing their fears. The Boo's magic and the Toad's strength created a gap in the demon's defenses. At that moment, the brave Koopa seized the stars and succeeded in badly damaging the demon...

=== Part 9: The Demon Sealed Within ===
*But even the brave Koopa's stroke was not enough to end the demon's reign. The wise Goomba thought of another use for the Crystal Stars in that dire hour. She suggested sealing the demon forever with the Crystal Stars. All agreed. The heroes matched their strengths with the power of the Crystal Stars and they successfully sealed the demon's soul within the deepest part of the palace. Together they made it out so that only all seven stars could break the seal...

=== Part 10: The Demon's Curse ===
*The four heroes thought they had sealed away the demon and all its power, but the demon used a tiny opening before the seal was complete to curse them all. While holding the Crystal Stars, they felt nothing, but when they let them go a black box would appear to seal their souls within. The four heroes travelled the world, scattering the stars so the seal would remain. But the last four stars carried the curse, which claimed each hero...

=== Part 11: The Great Tree and Punies ===
*The hiding places of many of the crystal stars have now faded into legend but some say that the wise Goomba hid one in the Great Tree. At that time, many monsters wandered in the nearby Boggly Woods. The tiny Punies were always tormented by their fierce appetites, it was said. Pitying them, the Goomba hollowed out the Great Tree for the Punies to live in. The Punies were so grateful they swore to protect the Crystal Star there...

=== Part 12: The Boo Heroine's Last Days ===
*Once the Boo heroine hid her star in a steeple, she was trapped in the nearby town. Some say the Crystal Star lies in that steeple still.

=== Part 13: The Pirate King Cortez ===
*The Koopa hero went to a southern isle to hide his star where none would find it. But the Koopa was so tired from his journey that the pirate Cortez stole it easily. In that very instant, the Koopa was trapped in an inescapable chest. But Cortez did not realize the power of the star and lost it among his treasures...

=== Part 14: The Toad Hero's Final Days ===
*The strong Toad held his star and continued his arduous journey. But eventually the miles took their toll upon him and he collapsed. A traveling healer happened by and saved his life but the Toad knew his fate was to be trapped in the box when the star was gone. So he asked the healer to hide the star in a secret place known to no one...

=== Part 15: All Becomes Legend ===
*After the demon was sealed within the Palace of Shadow, many refused to come near that place of terror. But as the years passed, entire generations forgot and the penniless and the immoral began to congregate in this once-barren place. This place soon became a populous harbor, the town of Rogueport, and some even began to say that the underground city held a legendary treasure. But they were unaware the demon slept beneath them still...

=== Part 16: The Magical Map ===
*The heroes knew the seal might not last forever and they sought to make the Crystal Stars available to one who might need them. So, before going to their individual dooms, they made a map to all the stars. And to prevent an evil force from misusing this map they placed it in a box that could only be opened by the pure of heart.

== External links ==

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      <text bytes="15567" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Mark Zuckerberg em setembro de 2014.jpg|thumb| -Mark Zuckerberg in 2014]]

In the 2010s, Facebook breached ethical guidelines by conducting a research experiment to manipulate 700,000 users' emotions without their consent.
I think the Jews are very smart people.
&quot;Facebook emotion study breached ethical guidelines, researchers say&quot;. The Guardian. June 30, 2014. Retrieved June 11, 2021.

'''[[:w:Mark Zuckerberg|Mark Elliot Zuckerberg]]''' (born [[May 14]], [[1984]]) is an American [[w:software developer|software developer]] and [[w:Internet entrepreneur|Internet entrepreneur]]. He is best known for creating the social networking site [[w:Facebook|Facebook]], of which he is [[w:Chief executive officer|chief executive]] and [[w:Chief operating officer|president]].

== Quotes ==
*I understood that some parts were still a little sketchy and I wanted some more time to think about whether or not this was really appropriate to release to the Harvard community.
*Issues about violating people’s privacy don’t seem to be surmountable, I’m not willing to risk insulting anyone.
**[http://www.thecrimson.com/article/2003/11/19/facemash-creator-survives-ad-board-the/ ''Facemash Creator Survives Ad Board'' (November 19, 2003)]

* It is better to buy than [[compete]]
** [https://www.businessinsider.com/ftc-facebook-lawsuit-makes-zuckerberg-emails-public-instagram-whatsapp-competition-2020-12 'It's better to buy than compete': The FTC is using Mark Zuckerberg's own words against him]&quot; (2008)

* Zuck: Yeah so if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard&lt;br&gt;Zuck: Just ask&lt;br&gt;Zuck: I have over 4,000 emails, pictures, addresses, SNS&lt;br&gt;[Redacted Friend's Name]: What? How'd you manage that one?&lt;br&gt;Zuck: People just submitted it.&lt;br&gt;Zuck: I don't know why.&lt;br&gt;Zuck: They &quot;trust me&quot;&lt;br&gt;Zuck: Dumb fucks
** [http://www.businessinsider.com/well-these-new-zuckerberg-ims-wont-help-facebooks-privacy-problems-2010-5 Instant messages] sent by Zuckerberg during Facebook's early days, reported by ''Business Insider'' (May 13, 2010)
* It’s not unusual for us to receive an email from somebody saying, “I spend all of my time on your website and now I have less of a social life than I had before.” We would much rather have people meet people through the website and go out and party than stay at home on a Friday night reading other people’s profiles. And it’s surprising, but we have actually received far less complaints about stalking than we otherwise would have expected.
* To a certain extent, the website is unfortunate because it oversimplifies things. Everybody’s concept of having a friend is different. It can definitely blur the relationships that exist between people. But in the end, I think that Facebook can only reinforce preexisting communities.
** [http://www-bcf.usc.edu/~fbar/comm570/Readings/markzuckerberginterview.pdf &quot;Exclusive Interview With Mark Zuckerberg&quot; (Nov. 30, 2004)]

* I think that some decisions that we made early on to localize the website and keep it separate for each college on the network kept it really useful, because people could only see people from their local college and friends outside. That made it so people were comfortable sharing information that they probably wouldn't otherwise, which made it useful in the long term for people to look up information about other people on the site.
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4erAm-cJbg Bambi Francisco interviews Mark Zuckerberg in 2005]

* Understanding who you serve is always a very important problem, and it only gets harder the more people that you serve. We try to pay a lot of attention to this by a combination of very rigorous quantitative and qualitative feedback. But if you’re serving 1.2 billion people, it’s very hard.
** [http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/04/16/can-facebook-innovate-a-conversation-with-mark-zuckerberg/?_php=true&amp;_type=blogs&amp;_r=0 nytimes.com]

*My goal was never to make Facebook cool.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFhBLWU9LyU ''Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg First Public Q&amp;A !''], YouTube, 6 November 2014&lt;/br&gt; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/11217273/Facebooks-Mark-Zuckerberg-Why-I-wear-the-same-T-shirt-every-day.html ''Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg: Why I wear the same T-shirt every day''], The Telegraph, 7 November 2014

*I really want to clear my life so that I have to make as many decisions as possible about anything except how to best serve this community.
**[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/11217273/Facebooks-Mark-Zuckerberg-Why-I-wear-the-same-T-shirt-every-day.html ''Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg: Why I wear the same T-shirt every day''], The Telegraph, 7 November 2014

* We were just building stuff 'cause we thought it was cool. I do remember having these specific conversations with my friends where we thought, you know, someone is gonna build this. Someone is gonna build something that makes it so that people can stay connected with their friends and their family, but no way would we be the ones who were contributing to, kinda, leading the whole Internet in this direction.
** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mark-zuckerberg-and-facebook-whats-next/ cbsnews.com]

* It takes courage to choose hope over fear. As I look around the world, I’m starting to see people and nations turning inward, against the idea of a connected world and a global community. The path forward is to bring people together, not push them apart. I hear fearful voices calling for building walls and distancing people they label as ‘others’. I hear them calling for blocking free expression, for slowing immigration, for reducing trade, and in some cases even for cutting access to the internet.
**Source: Zuckerberg's speech during Facebook's F8 developers event on 12 April 2016, [https://developers.facebook.com/videos/f8-2016/keynote/ developers.facebook.com]
**Quoted: [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/politics/7071854/Mark-Zuckerberg-takes-a-swipe-at-Donald-Trump-telling-people-to-choose-hope-over-fear.html ''Mark Zuckerberg takes a swipe at Donald Trump telling people to 'choose hope over fear''], The Sun, 13 April 2016

* If you want to build a service which is not just serving rich people, then you need to have something that people can afford. ... At Facebook, we are squarely in the camp of the companies that work hard to charge you less ... I think it's important that we don't all get Stockholm syndrome and let the companies that work hard to charge you more convince you that they actually care more about you.
**Quoted: [http://theverge.com/2018/4/2/17188660/mark-zuckerberg-tim-cook-comments-facebook-extremely-glib ''Mark Zuckerberg calls Tim Cook's comments on Facebook 'extremely glib' ''], ''The Verge'', 2 April 2018

* I’m Jewish, and there’s a set of people who [[w:Holocaust denial|deny that the Holocaust happened]]. I find that deeply offensive. But at the end of the day, I don’t believe that our platform should take that down because I think there are things that different people get wrong. I don’t think that they’re ''intentionally'' getting it wrong. It’s hard to impugn intent and to understand the intent. I just think, as abhorrent as some of those examples are, I think the reality is also that I get things wrong when I speak publicly. I’m sure you do. I’m sure a lot of leaders and public figures we respect do too, and I just don’t think that it is the right thing to say, “We’re going to take someone off the platform if they get things wrong, even multiple times.” What we will do is we’ll say, “Okay, you have your page, and if you’re not trying to organize harm against someone, or attacking someone, then you can put up that content on your page, even if people might disagree with it or find it offensive.” But that doesn’t mean that we have a responsibility to make it widely distributed in {{w|News Feed}}.
** In an interview with {{w|Kara Swisher}} as quoted in ''[https://www.recode.net/2018/7/18/17575156/mark-zuckerberg-interview-facebook-recode-kara-swisher Zuckerberg: The Recode interview]'' (July 18, 2018), ''{{w|Recode}}''.

* I want make sure that our products are used for good. At the end of the day, other people blaming us or not is actually not the thing that matters to me. It’s not that every single thing that happens on Facebook is gonna be good. This is humanity. People use tools for good and bad, but I think that we have a clear responsibility to make sure that the good is amplified and to do everything we can to mitigate the bad.
** In an interview with {{w|Kara Swisher}} as quoted in ''[https://www.recode.net/2018/7/18/17575156/mark-zuckerberg-interview-facebook-recode-kara-swisher Zuckerberg: The Recode interview]'' (July 18, 2018), ''{{w|Recode}}''.

* Giving people a voice on the one hand, and keeping the community and people safe on the other hand. Our bias tends to be to want to give people a voice and let people express a wide range of opinions. I don’t think that’s a [[w:Modern liberalism in the United States|liberal]] or [[w:Conservatism in the United States|conservative]] thing; those are the words in the U.S.
** In an interview with {{w|Kara Swisher}} as quoted in ''[https://www.recode.net/2018/7/18/17575156/mark-zuckerberg-interview-facebook-recode-kara-swisher Zuckerberg: The Recode interview]'' (July 18, 2018), ''{{w|Recode}}''.

* I personally find [[Holocaust]] denial deeply offensive, and I absolutely didn’t intend to defend the intent of people who deny that. Our goal with [[fake news]] is not to prevent anyone from saying something untrue — but to stop fake news and misinformation spreading across our services. If something is spreading and is rated false by {{w|fact checkers}}, it would lose the vast majority of its distribution in News Feed. And of course if a post crossed line into advocating for violence or [[w:Hate speech|hate]] against a particular group, it would be removed. These issues are very challenging but I believe that often the best way to fight offensive bad speech is with good speech.
** As quoted in ''[https://www.recode.net/2018/7/18/17588116/mark-zuckerberg-clarifies-holocaust-denial-offensive Mark Zuckerberg clarifies: ‘I personally find Holocaust denial deeply offensive, and I absolutely didn’t intend to defend the intent of people who deny that.’]'' (July 18, 2018) by {{w|Kara Swisher}}, ''{{w|Recode}}''.

* Connectivity just can’t be a privilege for people in the richest countries. We believe that connecting everyone in the world is one of the great challenges of our generation. And that’s why we are happy to play whatever small part in that that we can. 
** Source: [https://verwayathens.com/2019/02/28/120-mark-zuckerberg-famous-entrepreneurship-inspirational-quotes/ 120 Mark Zuckerberg Famous Entrepreneurship &amp; Inspirational Quotes]

* The question I ask myself like almost every day is, 'Am I doing the most important thing I could be doing?' ... Unless I feel like I'm working on the most important problem that I can help with, then I'm not going to feel good about how I'm spending my time. 
** From Marcia Amidon Lusted's biography [https://www.inc.com/zoe-henry/mark-zuckerberg-move-fast-and-break-things.html ''Mark Zuckerberg: Facebook Creator''].

=== Harvard Graduation Speech (2017) ===
[http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/05/mark-zuckerbergs-speech-as-written-for-harvards-class-of-2017/ &quot;Mark Zuckerberg's Commencement address at Harvard&quot;], ''Harvard Gazette'', May 25, 2017.
* Every generation has its defining works. More than 300,000 people worked to put a man on the moon – including that janitor. Millions of volunteers immunized children around the world against polio. Millions of more people built the Hoover dam and other great projects. These projects didn’t just provide purpose for the people doing those jobs, they gave our whole country a sense of pride that we could do great things.
* The idea of a single eureka moment is a dangerous lie. It makes us feel inadequate since we haven’t had ours. It prevents people with seeds of good ideas from getting started.
* Every generation expands its definition of equality. Previous generations fought for the vote and civil rights. They had the New Deal and Great Society. Now it’s our time to define a new social contract for our generation.
* We understand the great arc of human history bends towards people coming together in ever greater numbers — from tribes to cities to nations — to achieve things we couldn’t on our own.
* Change starts local. Even global changes start small — with people like us. In our generation, the struggle of whether we connect more, whether we achieve our biggest opportunities, comes down to this — your ability to build communities and create a world where every single person has a sense of purpose.

== Quotes about Mark Zuckerberg ==

* On Tuesday, Mark Zuckerberg was in the hot seat. Cameras surrounded him. The energy in the room – and on Twitter – was electric. At last, the reluctant CEO is made to answer some questions! Except it failed. It was designed to fail. It was a show designed to get Zuckerberg off the hook after only a few hours in Washington DC. It was a show that gave the pretense of a hearing without a real hearing. It was designed to deflect and confuse. ... The worst moments of the hearing for us, as citizens, were when senators asked if Zuckerberg would support legislation that would regulate {{w|Facebook}}. I don’t care whether Zuckerberg supports [[w:Honest Ads Act|Honest Ads]] or {{w|privacy laws}} or [[w:General Data Protection Regulation|GDPR]]. By asking him if he would support legislation, the senators elevated him to a kind of co-equal {{w|philosopher king}} whose view on Facebook regulation carried special weight. It shouldn’t. Facebook is a known behemoth corporate monopoly. [[w:Criticism of Facebook|It has exposed at least 87 million people’s data, enabled foreign propaganda and perpetuated discrimination]]. We shouldn’t be begging for Facebook’s endorsement of laws, or for Mark Zuckerberg’s promises of self-regulation. We should treat him as a danger to democracy and demand our senators get a real hearing.
** [[Zephyr Teachout]], ''[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/apr/11/mark-zuckerbergs-facebook-hearing-sham?CMP=fb_gu Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook hearing was an utter sham]'' (11 April 2018), ''{{w|The Guardian}}''.

* Shortly after Facebook became a public company, its founder famously exhorted his employees to “move fast and break things”. It was, of course, a hacker’s trope and, as such, touchingly innocent. What perhaps never occurred to Zuckerberg is that liberal democracy might be one of the things they break. It’s time for him – and them – to grow up.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/17/observer-view-facebook-harvesting-data-cambridge-analytica-files &quot;''The Observer'' view on how Facebook’s destructive ethos imperils democracy&quot;] (editorial), ''{{W|The Observer}}'', 17 March 2018.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
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[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
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    <title>Christianity</title>
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      <text bytes="313204" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|360px|right|''In the [[beginning]] was the [[Word]], and the Word was with God, and the Word was [[God]]. He was with God in the beginning. Through him [[all]] [[things]] were made; without him [[nothing]] was made that has been made. In him was [[life]], and that life was the light of all [[mankind]]. The [[light]] shines in the [[darkness]], and the darkness has not ovĥercome... The Word became [[flesh]] and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the [[glory]] of the one and only [[Christ|Son]], who came from [[w:God_the_Father#Christianity|the Father]], full of [[grace]] and [[truth]].'' (John 1:1-5; 1:14)]]
'''[[w:Christianity|Christianity]]''' is an [[Abraham|Abrahamic]] religion based on the life and teachings of [[Jesus of Nazareth]]; its adherents are known as ''Christians''.
==[[New Testament]]==
{{main|New Testament}}
* And if anyone hears My words and does not believe, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2012:47&amp;version=NKJV; 12:47]

* And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
** [[Jesus]] on [[usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
** [[w:James the Just|James]], [[Epistle of James|James]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%204;&amp;version=50; 4:4]

* “Blessed are the poor in spirit,&lt;br/&gt;for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are those who mourn,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be comforted.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the meek,&lt;br/&gt;for they will inherit the earth.&lt;br/&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be filled.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the merciful,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be shown mercy.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the pure in heart,&lt;br/&gt;for they will see God.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the peacemakers,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be called children of God.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,&lt;br/&gt;for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.&lt;br/&gt;“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], ([[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 5:3-12).

* Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
** [[Jesus]]; [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2011:28;&amp;version=31; 11:28]

*  Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2014:12-14&amp;version=NIV 14:12-14]

* And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

* For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=50&amp;chapter=3&amp;verse=16&amp;version=31; 3:16]

*  For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like those condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to human beings. We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored!
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Cor%204:9-10&amp;version=NIV 4:9-10]

* Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife.
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|1 Corinthians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:27;&amp;version=HCSB 7:27]

* For judgment I have come into this world, that those who do not see may see, and that those who see may be made blind.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%209:39&amp;version=NKJV 9:39]

* For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:39-40;&amp;version=NIV 9:39-40]

* &quot;Go!&quot; He told them. So when they had come out, they entered the pigs. And suddenly the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and perished in the water. Then the men who tended them fled. They went into the city and reported everything—especially what had happened to those who were demon-possessed. At that, the whole town went out to meet Jesus. When they saw Him, they begged Him to leave their region.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%208:32-34;&amp;version=77; 8:32–34]

* God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. … The angel said to her, &quot;Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.&quot; &quot;How will this be,&quot; Mary asked the angel, &quot;since I am a virgin?&quot; The angel answered, &quot;The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%201:26-36;&amp;version=31; 1:26-36]

*  He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and,&lt;br&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother&lt;br&gt;must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9-10;&amp;version=HCSB 7:9–10]

* He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.
** [[John]], [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%205:12-13&amp;version=NKJV; 5:12-13]

* He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me, scatters.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=31; 11:23]

* If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26-27]

* Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become &quot;fools&quot; so that you may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: &quot;He catches the wise in their craftiness&quot;
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|1 Corinthians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%203:18-19&amp;version=NIV 3:18-19], quoting Job 5:13.

* If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is true. You have sent to John and he has testified to the truth. Not that I accept human testimony; but I mention it that you may be saved. John was a lamp that burned and gave light, and you chose for a time to enjoy his light. I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the works that the Father has given me to finish—the very works that I am doing—testify that the Father has sent me.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31-36&amp;version=NIV 5:31-36], Speaking to the hypocrites and pharisees.

* Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%208:14;&amp;version=NIV 8:14]

* Household slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%202:18;&amp;version=HCSB 2:18]

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=47&amp;chapter=5&amp;verse=29&amp;version=31&amp;context=verse 5:29]

* Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.
** [[John the Evangelist]], [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%202:18;&amp;version=9; 2:18]

* “Look, I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as serpents and as harmless as doves. Because people will hand you over to sanhedrins and flog you in their synagogues, beware of them. You will even be brought before governors and kings because of Me, to bear witness to them and to the nations. But when they hand you over, don’t worry about how or what you should speak. For you will be given what to say at that hour, because you are not speaking, but the Spirit of your Father is speaking through you. “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by everyone because of My name. But the one who endures to the end will be delivered. When they persecute you in one town, escape to another. For I assure you: You will not have covered the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 16:23.

* No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him.
** [[John the Evangelist]], [[Gospel of John|John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%201:18&amp;version=NKJV;  1:18]

* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1-2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8-9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13-15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

* Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
** [[Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%202:13-14;&amp;version=9; 2:13–14]

* Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn &lt;blockquote&gt;'a man against his father,&lt;br&gt; a daughter against her mother,&lt;br&gt; a daughter-in-law against her motherinlaw—&lt;br&gt; a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:34-36;&amp;version=31; 10:34–36]

* The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2013:41-42;&amp;version=31; 13:41–42]

* Then Peter came to Him and said, &quot;Lord, how many times could my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?&quot; &quot;I tell you, not as many as seven,&quot; Jesus said to him, &quot;but 70 times seven. For this reason, the kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.&quot;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=HCSB 18:21-23]

* Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, &quot;You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?&quot; And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:32-35;&amp;version=NKJV 18:32–35]

* [The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. … ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29-34], foretelling His [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] during the lifetimes of His disciples.

* The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12-14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=31; 12:46]

* That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=31; 12:47]

* There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
** [[John]], [[First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%204:18&amp;version=NIV; 4:18]

* I am not going out of my mind, Your Excellency Festus, but I am speaking words of truth and of a sound mind. For a fact, the king to whom I am speaking so freely well knows about these things .. Do you, King A·grip′pa, believe the Prophets? I know that you believe.” But A·grip′pa said to Paul: “'''In a short time you would persuade me to become a Christian.'''” At this Paul said: “I wish to God that whether in a short time or in a long time, not only you but also all those who hear me today would become men such as I am ...
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/acts/26/ Acts 26:25-29], [[New World Translation]]

* Since it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you, and to give you who are troubled rest with us when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with His mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power, when He comes, in that Day, to be glorified in His saints and to be admired among all those who believe, because our testimony among you was believed.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Second Epistle to the Thessalonians|2 Thessalonians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Thessalonians%201:5-10&amp;version=NKJV 1:5-10]

* The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Second Epistle to the Thessalonians|2 Thessalonians]] 2:9-12.

* A woman should learn in silence with full submission. I do not allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; instead, she is to be silent.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:First Epistle to Timothy|1 Timothy]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Timothy%202:11-12;&amp;version=HCSB 2:11-12]

* For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers, specially they of the circumcision: Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for filthy lucre's sake.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to Titus|Titus]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Titus%201:10-11;&amp;version=KJV 1:10-11]

* Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] 2:17.

* I will kill her children with the plague.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:23;&amp;version=HCSB 2:23]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter;&lt;br&gt; He will shatter them like pottery—&lt;br&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=HCSB 2:26–27]

* Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:28-29&amp;version=NIV 3:28-29]

* Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:32-33;&amp;version=NIV 10:32–33]

* When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. &quot;I am innocent of this man's blood,&quot; he said. &quot;It is your responsibility!&quot; &lt;br/&gt; All the people answered, &quot;Let his blood be on us and on our children!&quot;
** [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2027:24-25;&amp;version=31; 27:24-25]

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17-18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

* Then he said to those standing by, &quot;Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.&quot; &quot;Sir,&quot; they said, &quot;he already has ten!&quot; He replied, &quot;I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what they have will be taken away. But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me.&quot;
** [[Jesus]]'s ''Parable of the Ten Minas'', [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:26-27]]. [[John Chrysostom]], a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]], one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] quoted the last sentence out of context, as if a command of Jesus rather than his parable's protagonist, to condemn the Jews:
*** [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1.

* Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=50&amp;chapter=6&amp;verse=54&amp;version=31&amp;context=verse 6:54]

* [...] for ye also have suffered like things of your own countrymen, even as they have of the Jews: Who both killed the Lord Jesus, and their own prophets, and have persecuted us; and they please not God, and are contrary to all men.
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Thessalonians|1 Thessalonians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Thessalonians%202:14-15;&amp;version=KJV 2:14-15]

*…Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, &quot;Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.&quot; &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV).

* You have heard that it was said, ‘''Love your neighbor and hate your enemy''.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
** Jesus, in Matthew 5:43-48.

* “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.&quot;
** Jesus, in Matthew 38:42.

== First century Christianity ==
{{main|First century Christianity}}
* The true triumphs of Christianity were seen in making good men of those who professed her doctrines, rather than changing outwardly popular institutions, or government, or laws, or even elevating the great mass of unbelievers. We have testimony to their blameless lives, to their irreproachable morals, to their good citizenship.
** Dr. John Lord, ''The Old Roman World'' (1870), p. 551.

* The Roman government called the Christians enemies of the state. They would not serve in the Roman army. They refused to salute the emperor’s statue, which meant the same to Roman society that a nation’s flag does to citizens today. They were loyal only to their religion.
** Edith McCall, Evalyn Rapparlie and Jack Spatafora, ''Man—His World and Cultures'' (1974), p. 67, 68

* Take note of those who spout false opinions about the gracious gift of Jesus Christ that has come to us, and see how they are opposed to the mind of God. They have no interest in love, in the widow, the orphan, the oppressed, the one who is in chains or the one set free, the one who is hungry or the one who thirsts.
** [[Ignatius of Antioch]], Epistle to the Smyrnaeans 6:6-7, as translated by B. D. Ehrman, The Apostolic Fathers, Loeb Classical Library (2003), p. 303.

== The [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]==
=== The [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas.

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam's third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a &quot;Sethian&quot; spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples' prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were stoning me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== The [[w: Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===
* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** [[w: Gospel of Mary|Mary]] 9:4–10.

* Sin as such does not exist, but you make sin when you do what is of the nature of fornication, which is called &quot;sin.&quot; For this reason the Good came into your midst, to the essence of each nature, to restore it to its root. For this reason you come into existence and die.
** In response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] ===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
* The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of life, and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 4.

* Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 5.

* Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 6.

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 7.

* I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 10.

* Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 44.

==[[w:Gospel of Nicodemus|Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus]]==
[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass MaryJesus.jpg|thumb|right|A depiction in stained glass: &quot;thy mother Mary fled into Egypt&quot;]]
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255).

==The Talmud==
===Babylonian Talmud===
* [[w:Yeshua (name)|Yeshua]]'s mother was Miriam [Mary] … This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband. … He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot; … In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler … [as] they did to [[w:Yeshu#ben-Stada|Ben Stada]] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover. … The husband of his mother was called [[w:Yeshu#ben-Stada|Stada]], and her seducer [[w:Yeshu#ben-Pandera|Pandera]].
** ''[[Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [[w: Talmud#Talmud Bavli (Babylonian Talmud)|Babylonian Talmud]] takes it for granted that [[Jesus]]' mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]],'' a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

== Fourth century ==
* Many are the stratagems which the wily enemy employs against us. The serpent, we are told, was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. Genesis 3:1 And the apostle says: We are not ignorant of his devices. 2 Corinthians 2:11 Neither an affected shabbiness nor a stylish smartness becomes a Christian.
** [[Jerome]], Letter 22, p.29; as qtd. in [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/3001022.htm &quot;CHURCH FATHERS: Letter 22 (Jerome)&quot;], ''New Advent'', translated by W.H. Fremantle, G. Lewis and W.G. Martley. From Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, Second Series, Vol. 6. Edited by Philip Schaff and Henry Wace. (Buffalo, NY: Christian Literature Publishing Co., 1893.) Revised and edited for New Advent by Kevin Knight.

* He is a Christian
: who shows compassion to all,
: who is not at all provoked by wrong done to him,
: who does not allow the poor to be oppressed in his presence,
: who helps the wretched,
: who succors the needy,
: who mourns with the mourners,
: who feels another's pain as if it were his own,
: who is moved to tears by the tears of others,
: whose house is common to all,
: whose door is closed to no one,
: whose table no poor man does not know,
: whose food is offered to all,
: whose goodness all know and at whose hands no one experiences injury,
: who serves God all day and night,
: who ponders and meditates upon his commandments unceasingly,
: who is made poor in the eyes of the world so that he may become rich before God.
:* [[Pelagius]], ''On The Christian Life'', as translated by B. R. Rees in ''Pelagius: Life and Letters'' (Boydell Press: 2004)

* He is a Christian ...
: who is seen to have no feigning or pretense in his heart,
:whose soul is open and unspotted,
:whose conscience is faithful and pure,
:whose whole mind is on God,
:whose whole hope is in Christ,
:who desires heavenly things rather than earthly.
:* [[Pelagius]], ''On The Christian Life'', as translated by B. R. Rees in ''Pelagius: Life and Letters'' (Boydell Press: 2004)

==Early Middle Ages==
[[File:Bloch-SermonOnTheMount.jpg|thumb|right|What the [[soul]] is to the [[body]], Christians are to the [[world]]. ~ [[Epistle to Diognetus]]]]
* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]]''.

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202).

* Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. ... Following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. ... They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all.
** [[Epistle to Diognetus|Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus]], Chapter 5, 2nd century AD, ''A Source Book for Ancient Church History'', p. 30.

* What the soul is in the body, that are Christians in the world. The soul is dispersed through all the members of the body, and Christians are scattered through all the cities of the world. The soul dwells in the body, yet is not of the body; and Christians dwell in the world, yet are not of the world.
** [[Epistle to Diognetus|Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus]], Chapter 6.

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII.

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, translation., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen'', London, 1929, p. 54.

* 'If,' said he, 'the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.'
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm].

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity.

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, Volume 22, p. 296.

* It was … declared improper to follow the custom of the Jews in the celebration of this holy festival, because, their hands having been stained with crime, the minds of these wretched men are necessarily blinded. … Let us, then, have nothing in common with the Jews, who are our adversaries. … avoiding all contact with that evil way. … who, after having compassed the death of the Lord, being out of their minds, are guided not by sound reason, but by an unrestrained passion, wherever their innate madness carries them. … a people so utterly depraved. … Therefore, this irregularity must be corrected, in order that we may no more have any thing in common with those parricides and the [[w:deicide|murderers of our Lord]]. … no single point in common with the perjury of the Jews.
** [[w:First Council of Nicaea|First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea]], in which the [[w:Christian Church|Christian Church]] separates the calculation of the date of [[w:Easter|Easter]] from the Jewish [[w:Passover|Passover]]. See [http://ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf203.iv.viii.i.x.html The Epistle of the Emperor Constantine, concerning the matters transacted at the Council, addressed to those Bishops who were not present] and [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/25023.htm ''Life of Constantine'' Vol. III Ch. XVIII] by Eusebius.

* Nothing is more miserable than those people who never failed to attack their own salvation. When there was need to observe the Law, they trampled it under foot. … On this account Stephen said: &quot;You stiff-necked and uncircumcised in heart, you always resist the Holy Spirit&quot;, not only by transgressing the Law but also by wishing to observe it at the wrong time.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1.

* Before they committed the crime of crimes, before they killed their Master, before the cross, before the slaying of Christ, [Jewish sacrifices were] an abomination.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1.

* You [Jews] did slay Christ, you did lift violent hands against the Master, you did spill his precious blood. This is why you have no chance for atonement, excuse, or defense.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6.

* [T]he Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6.

* We know that salvation belongs to the Church alone, and that no one can partake of Christ nor be saved outside the Catholic Church and the Catholic Faith.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''De Capto Eutropia''.

* How hateful to me are the enemies of your Scripture! How I wish that you would slay them [the Jews] with your two-edged sword, so that there should be none to oppose your word! Gladly would I have them die to themselves and live to you!
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (412), ''[[w:Confessions (St. Augustine)|Confessions]]'' '''12'''.14.17.

* Whoever is separated from this Catholic Church, by this single sin of being separated from the unity of Christ, no matter how estimable a life he may imagine he is living, shall not have life, but the wrath of God rests upon him.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (412), ''[[w:Augustine of Hippo#Letters|Letters]]'' '''141''':5.

* [S]uch infants as quit the body without being baptized will be involved in the mildest condemnation of all. That person, therefore, greatly deceives both himself and others, who teaches that they will not be involved in condemnation[.]
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (415–16), ''[http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf105.x.iii.xxi.html St. Augustine: Anti-Pelagian Writings]''.

* We must be on our guard against giving interpretations which are hazardous or opposed to science, and so exposing the word of God to the ridicule of unbelievers.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De genesi ad litteram libri duodecim'' (''The Literal Meaning of Genesis'') (415), I, nos. 19, 21, 39 [http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02089a.htm].

* [T]here is another form of temptation, more complex in its peril. … It originates in an appetite for knowledge. … From this malady of curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence do we proceed to search out the secret powers of nature (which is beside our end), which to know profits not, and wherein men desire nothing but to know.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book X/Chapter 35|Confessions]]'' (397), Book&amp;nbsp;X, Chap.&amp;nbsp;35.

* Usually, even a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other elements of this world, about the motion and orbit of the stars and even their size and relative positions, about the predictable eclipses of the sun and moon, the cycles of the years and the seasons, about the kinds of animals, shrubs, stones, and so forth, and this knowledge he hold to as being certain from reason and experience. Now, it is a disgraceful and dangerous thing for an infidel to hear a Christian, presumably giving the meaning of Holy Scripture, talking nonsense on these topics; and we should take all means to prevent such an embarrassing situation, in which people show up vast ignorance in a Christian and laugh it to scorn. … Reckless and incompetent expounders of Holy Scripture bring untold trouble and sorrow on their wiser brethren when they are caught in one of their mischievous false opinions and are taken to task by those who are not bound by the authority of our sacred books. For then, to defend their utterly foolish and obviously untrue statements, they will try to call upon Holy Scripture for proof and even recite from memory many passages which they think support their position, ''although they understand neither what they say nor the things about which they make assertion.'' [1 Timothy 1:7]
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De genesi ad litteram libri duodecim'' (''The Literal Meaning of Genesis'') (415), from J. H. Taylor, transl., ''Ancient Christian Writers'', Newman Press, 1982, volume 41.

* As I follow no leader save Christ, so I communicate with none but your blessedness, that is, with the Chair of Peter. For this, I know, is the rock on which the Church is built. … This is the ark of Noah, and he who is not found in it shall perish when the flood prevails. … And as for heretics, I have never spared them; on the contrary, I have seen to it in every possible way that the Church's enemies are also my enemies.
** [[Jerome]], (405–420), ''Manual of Patrology and History of Theology''.

* It is no fault of Christianity that a hypocrite falls into sin[.]
** [[Jerome]], letter 125, to Rusticus (405–420), W.H. Fremantle, transl. [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf206.v.CXXV.html].

* Most firmly hold and never doubt that not only pagans, but also all Jews, all heretics, and all schismatics who finish this life outside of the Catholic Church, will go into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.
** [[w:Fulgentius of Ruspe|Saint Fulgentius]] (467–527), ''Enchriridion Patristicum''.

* The holy universal Church teaches that God cannot be truly adored except within its fold; she affirms that all those who are separated from her will not be saved.
** [[w:Pope Gregory I|Pope Gregory I]], ''[[w:Commentary on Job|Commentary on Job]]'' (578–595), XIV, 5, Chap. 158.

==The Qur'an ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}) and the Hadith ({{lang|ar|الحديث|rtl}})==

[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|360px|right|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 AD), that contains numerous inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]

===The Qur'an (القرآن)===
* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Surah 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Imran]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران|rtl}}).

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened—Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few— &lt;br&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger—they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain.&lt;br&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ&lt;br&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً&lt;br&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً&lt;br&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Surah 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}}).

* O People of the Book! Do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only a messenger of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Surah 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}}).

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Maryaium; and the Messiah said: O Children of IsraelS serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Surah 572–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}).

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Maryam! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Surah 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}).

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br&gt;وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ |rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Surah 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}).

* And when Isa son of Maryam [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the messenger of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Torah and giving the good news of a messenger who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Surah 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}).

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ&lt;br&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ&lt;br&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ&lt;br&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ&lt;br&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Surah 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}}).

===The Hadith ({{lang|ar|الحديث|rtl}})===
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** Translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** Translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** Translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|360px|right|Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), that contains numerous inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]

* O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is better for you! - God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

==High Middle Ages==
* Yes, you Jews. I say, do I address you; you, who till this very day, deny the Son of God. How long, poor wretches, will ye not believe the truth? Truly I doubt whether a Jew can be really human, for he will neither yield to human reasoning, nor accept the authorities which are both God's and his own.
** [[w:Peter the Venerable|Peter the Venerable]] (''c.'' 1092–1156), ''Tractatus contra Judaeos'' 3, PL 189. 551A.

* There is one Universal Church of the faithful, outside of which there is absolutely no salvation.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 1]

* Jesus Christ, whose body and blood are truly contained in the sacrament of the altar under the forms of bread and wine; the bread being changed (''transsubstantiatio'') by divine power into the body, and the wine into the blood, so that to realize the mystery of unity we may receive of Him what He has received of us. And this sacrament no one can effect except the priest who has been duly ordained in accordance with the keys of the Church, which Jesus Christ Himself gave to the Apostles and their successors.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 1], asserting the [[w:dogma|dogma]] of [[w:transubstantiation|transubstantiation]]

* Jews and Saracens [Muslims] of both sexes in every Christian province must be distinguished from the Christian by a difference of dress. On Passion Sunday and the last three days of Holy Week they may not appear in public.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 68]; see [[w:Judenhut|Judenhut]], [[w:yellow badge|yellow badge]]. This is partly so that Christians will not unknowingly have sexual relations with Jews or Muslims.

* Jews are not to be given public offices. Anyone instrumental in doing this is to be punished. A Jewish official is to be denied all intercourse with Christians.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 69]

* ''Hominem unius libri timeo.''
** Translation: I fear the man of one book.
** Attributed to [[Thomas Aquinas]]. See also ''[[w:Homo unius libri|Homo unius libri]]''.

* There is no entering into salvation outside the Church, just as in the time of the deluge there was none outside the ark, which denotes the Church.
** [[Thomas Aquinas]], 1265–1274, ''[[w:Summa Theologiae|Summa Theologiae]]''.

* ''Pange, lingua, gloriosi&lt;br&gt;Corporis mysterium&lt;br&gt;Sanguinisque pretiosi,&lt;br&gt;Quem in mundi pretium&lt;br&gt;Fructus ventris generosi&lt;br&gt;Rex effudit gentium.''
** Translation: Sing, my tongue, the Savior's glory,&lt;br&gt;Of His Flesh the mystery sing;&lt;br&gt;Of the Blood, all price exceeding,&lt;br&gt;Shed by our immortal King.
** [[Thomas Aquinas]], ''Pange, Lingua'' (hymn for Vespers on the Feast of Corpus Christi), stanza 1.

* Christians, be ye more serious in your movements;&lt;br&gt;Be ye not like a feather at each wind,&lt;br&gt;And think not every water washes you.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Ye have the Old and the New Testament,&lt;br&gt;And the Pastor of the Church who guideth you&lt;br&gt;Let this suffice you unto your salvation.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If evil appetite cry aught else to you,&lt;br&gt;Be ye as men, and not as silly sheep,&lt;br&gt;So that the Jew among you may not mock you.
** [[Dante Alighieri]], [[w:Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]], [[w:Paradiso (Dante)|Paradiso]], [[s:The Divine Comedy/Paradiso/Canto V|Canto V]], 73-81 (Translated by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]]).

==Late Middle Ages==
* When the existence of the Church is threatened, she is released from the commandments of morality. With unity as the end, the use of every means is sanctified, even deceit, treachery, violence, usury, prison, and death. Because order serves the good of the community, the individual must be sacrificed for the common good.
**[[w:Dietrich von Nieheim|Dietrich von Nieheim]], [[w:Bishopric of Verden|Bishop of Verden]], ''De schismate libri III'' (1411). Quoted in [[Arthur Koestler]]'s 1941 novel ''[[w:Darkness at Noon|Darkness at Noon]]''.

* ''We sacrifice the intellect to God.''
** Dei sacrificium intellectus.
** [[Ignatius of Loyola]]. See also ''[[w:de:sacrificium intellectus|sacrificium intellectus]]''.

* It should be recalled that the pretext upon which the [[Spanish]] invaded each of these provinces and proceeded to massacre the people and destroy their lands&amp;mdash;lands which teemed with people and should surely have been a joy and a delight to any true Christian&amp;mdash;was purely and simply that they were making good the claim of the Spanish Crown to the territories in question. At no stage had any order been issued entitling them to massacre the people or to enslave them. Yet, whenever the natives did not drop everything and rush to recognize publicly the truth of the irrational and illogical claims that were made, and whenever they did not immediately place themselves completely at the mercy of the iniquitous and cruel and bestial individuals who were making such claims, they were dubbed outlaws and held to be in rebellion against His Majesty.
** [[Bartolomé de las Casas]], ''[[w:A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies|A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies]]'', (1552)

* It appears utterly absurd and impermissible that the Jews, whom God has condemned to eternal slavery for their guilt, should enjoy our Christian love.
** [[w:Pope Paul IV|Pope Paul IV]], Papal Bull ''[[w:Cum nimis absurdum|Cum nimis absurdum]]'' (1555).

* All the world suffers from the usury of the Jews, their monopolies and deceit. … Then as now Jews have to be reminded intermittently anew that they were enjoying rights in any country since they left Palestine and the Arabian desert, and subsequently their ethical and moral doctrines as well as their deeds rightly deserve to be exposed to criticism in whatever country they happen to live.
** [[w:Pope Clement VIII|Pope Clement VIII]], ''Caeca et obdurata'' (&quot;Blind Obstinacy&quot;, 1593).

* Christ is not God, not the saviour of the world, but a mere man, a sinful man, and an abominable idol. All who worship him are abominable idolaters. And Christ did not rise again from death to life nor did he ascend into heaven.
** [[Matthew Hammond]], burned at the stake by the [[w:Bishop of Norwich|Bishop of Norwich]] on 20&amp;nbsp;May 1579, as quoted in ''[[w:Raphael Holinshed|Holinshed]]'s Chronicle'' (1587), Volume III; also in ''The Catholic Doctrine of the Church of England'' (1854) by Thomas Rogers, and J. J. S. Perowne, and ''The Tyranny of God : Liberating Ourselves from Our Own Beliefs‎'' (2008) by Marquez Comelab, p. 198; also cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

==The Reformation==
* Their [the Jews] rotten and unbending stiffneckedness deserves that they be oppressed unendingly and without measure or end and that they die in their misery without the pity of anyone.
** [[John Calvin]], ''A Response To Questions and Objections of a Certain Jew'' (''Ad quaestiones et objecta Judaei cuiusdam responsio'').

* Whoever shall maintain that wrong is done to heretics and blasphemers in punishing them makes himself an accomplice in their crime and guilty as they are. There is no question here of man's authority; it is God who speaks, and clear it is what law he will have kept in the church, even to the end of the world. Wherefore does he demand of us a so extreme severity, if not to show us that due honor is not paid him, so long as we set not his service above every human consideration, so that we spare not kin, nor blood of any, and forget all humanity when the matter is to combat for His glory.
** [[John Calvin]]'s justification of torture and execution for heretics. John Marshall, ''John Locke, Toleration and Early Enlightenment Culture (Cambridge Studies in Early Modern British History)'', Cambridge University Press, 2006, {{ISBN|0-521-65114-X}} p. 325.

* After he [Servetus] had been recognized, I thought he should be detained. My friend [[w:Nicholas de la Fontaine|Nicolas]] summoned him on a capital charge, offering himself as a security according to the ''[[w:lex talionis|lex talionis]]''. On the following day he adduced against him forty written charges. He at first sought to evade them. Accordingly we were summoned. He impudently reviled me, just as if he regarded me as obnoxious to him. I answered him as he deserved … of the man's effrontery I will say nothing; but such was his madness that he did not hesitate to say that devils possessed divinity; yea, that many gods were in individual devils, inasmuch as a deity had been substantially communicated to those equally with wood and stone. I hope that sentence of death will at least be passed on him; but I desired that the severity of the punishment be mitigated.
** [[John Calvin]], to [[w:William Farel|William Farel]] on the execution for heresy of [[w:Michael Servetus|Michael Servetus]], 20&amp;nbsp;August 1553, [http://books.google.com/books?vid=OCLC04575872&amp;id=MnG0aSU9QnwC&amp;pg=PA22&amp;lpg=PA22&amp;dq=%22bonnet+jules+%22 Bonnet, Jules (1820–1892)] ''Letters of John Calvin'', Carlisle, Penn: [[w:Banner of Truth Trust|Banner of Truth Trust]], 1980, pp. 158–159. {{ISBN|0-85151-323-9}}. [[w:Michael Servetus|Servetus]] was arrested while attending a church service officated by Calvin.

* Is it faith to understand nothing, and merely submit your convictions implicitly to the Church?
** [[John Calvin]]

* God preordained, for his own glory and the display of His attributes of mercy and justice, a part of the human race, without any merit of their own, to eternal salvation, and another part, in just punishment of their sin, to eternal damnation.
** [[John Calvin]]

* True believing Christians are sheep among wolves. ... They employ neither worldly sword nor war, since with them killing is absolutely renounced.
** [[Conrad Grebel]], letter to [[Thomas Müntzer]] (1524), as cited in William R. Estep, ''The Anabaptist Story'' (1996), pp. 41-42.

* Reason is the Devil's harlot, who can do nought but slander and harm whatever God says and does.
** German: ''Vernunft &amp;hellip; ist die höchste Hur, die der Teufel hat &amp;hellip;''
** [[Martin Luther]], Last Sermon in Wittenberg, Second Sunday in Epiphany, 17 January 1546. Sources: &lt;cite&gt;Dr. Martin Luthers Werke: Kritische Gesamtausgabe&lt;/cite&gt;, (Weimar: Herman Boehlaus Nachfolger, 1914), Band 51:126, Line 7ff; {{cite web|url=http://www.iep.utm.edu/l/luther.htm|title=Martin Luther (1483-1546)|publisher=The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy}}; [[H. L. Mencken]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=YMjdLA0eTAAC&amp;pg=PA244&amp;dq=Luther+Reason+is+the+Devil%27s+harlot,+who+can+do+nought+but+slander+and+harm+whatever+God+says+and+does.#v=onepage&amp;q=Luther%20Reason%20is%20the%20Devil%27s%20harlot%2C%20who%20can%20do%20nought%20but%20slander%20and%20harm%20whatever%20God%20says%20and%20does.&amp;f=false Treatise on the Gods]'', p.&amp;nbsp; 244; [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great]]'', p.&amp;nbsp;73.

* What harm would it do, if a man told a good strong lie for the sake of the good and for the Christian church … a lie out of necessity, a useful lie, a helpful lie, such lies would not be against God, he would accept them.
** [[Martin Luther]], cited by his secretary, in a letter in Max Lenz, ed., ''Briefwechsel Landgraf Philips des Grossmuthigen von Hessen mit Bucer'', vol.&amp;nbsp;1. Source: Sissela Bok, ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=-kU6AAAAMAAJ&amp;q=Max+Lenz+Briefwechsel+Landgraf+Phillips+des+Grossmuthigen+von+Hessen+mit+Bucer&amp;dq=Max+Lenz+Briefwechsel+Landgraf+Phillips+des+Grossmuthigen+von+Hessen+mit+Bucer Lying: Moral Choice In Public and Private Life‎]'', New York: Pantheon Books, 1978, p.&amp;nbsp;47. [http://www.cs.uwaterloo.ca/~shallit/luther1.jpg German text] of the quote.

* I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not contradict Scripture.
** [[Martin Luther]], letter to Chancellor ''Gregory Brück'' (An Den Kanzler Brück), [[1524-01-13]], ''Dr. Martin Luther's Briefe, Sendschreiben und Bedenken:'' volständig aus den verschiedenen Ausgaben seiner Werke und Briefe, aus andern Büchern und noch unbenutzten Handschriten gesammelt. From the [[w:De Wette|Wilhelm Martin Leberecht De Wette]] Collection of Luther's Letters (Berlin: [http://www.degruyter.de/rs/222_5927_ENU_h.htm Georg reimer], 1826) Volume 2, p. 459 (Letter DLXXII; Latin text).

* When the Gospel is preached unto faith, hope, love, and patience, God gives His wonder-working Spirit. Paul reminds the Galatians of this. &quot;God had not only brought you to faith by my preaching. He had also sanctified you to bring forth the fruits of faith. And one of the fruits of your faith was that you loved me so devotedly that you were willing to pluck out your eyes for me.&quot; To love a fellow-man so devotedly as to be ready to bestow upon him money, goods, eyes in order to secure his salvation, such love is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Theodore Graebner, transl., (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1949) Chapter 2, pp. 86–106. [http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/galatians/Gal3-01.txt].

* When we pay attention to reason, God seems to propose impossible matters in the Christian Creed. To reason it seems absurd that Christ should offer His body and blood in the Lord's Supper; that Baptism should be the washing of regeneration; that the dead shall rise; that Christ the Son of God was conceived in the womb of the Virgin Mary, etc. Reason shouts that all this is preposterous. Are you surprised that reason thinks little of faith? Reason thinks it ludicrous that faith should be the foremost service any person can render unto God. Let your faith supplant reason.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Theodore Graebner, transl., (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1949) Chapter 2, pp. 86–106. [http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/galatians/Gal3-01.txt].

* Therefore we Christians, in turn, are obliged not to tolerate their [the Jews'] wanton and conscious blasphemy.
** [[Martin Luther]] (1543), ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Christianity&amp;action=edit&amp;section=6#–www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html].

* What shall we Christians do with this rejected and condemned people, the Jews? … &lt;br/&gt; First to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn … This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom, so that God might see that we are Christians, and do not condone or knowingly tolerate such public lying, cursing, and blaspheming of his Son and of his Christians. … &lt;br/&gt; Second, I advise that their houses also be razed and destroyed. … &lt;br/&gt; Third, I advise that all their prayer books and Talmudic writings, in which such idolatry, lies, cursing and blasphemy are taught, be taken from them. … &lt;br/&gt; Fourth, I advise that their rabbis be forbidden to teach henceforth on pain of loss of life and limb. … Fifth, I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews. … &lt;br/&gt; Sixth, I advise that usury be prohibited to them, and that all cash and treasure of silver and gold be taken from them and put aside for safekeeping. … &lt;br/&gt; Seventh, I commend putting a flail, an ax, a hoe, a spade, a distaff, or a spindle into the hands of young, strong Jews and Jewesses and letting them earn their bread in the sweat of their brow, as was imposed on the children of Adam (Gen 3[:19]).
** [[Martin Luther]] (1543), ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html].

* Be a sinner and sin strongly, but more strongly have faith and rejoice in Christ.
** [[Martin Luther]]

* Prayer is a strong wall and fortress of the church; it is a goodly Christian weapon.
** [[Martin Luther]]

==The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)==
* Had it been published by a voice from heaven, that twelve poor men, taken out of boats and creeks, without any help of learning, should conquer the world to the cross, it might have been thought an illusion against all reason of men; yet we know it was undertaken and accomplished by them.
** [[w:Stephen Charnock|Stephen Charnock]], ''Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God'' (1682) On the Existence of God.

* Don't you see that the appalling history of sectarianism, persecution, heresy hunting, shows you that this way of thinking about the world is intrinsically unsound?
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The universe, the whole mass of all things that are, is corporeal, that is to say body, and hath dimensions of magnitude, length breadth and depth. Every part of the universe is body and that which is not body is no part of the universe. And because the universe is all, that which is no part of it is nothing. Consequently, nowhere.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* [T]he universe, that is, the whole mass of all things that are, is corporeal, that is to say, body, and hath the dimensions of magnitude, namely length, breadth, and depth: also every part of body is likewise body and hath the like dimensions; and consequently every part of the universe is body, and that which is not body is no part of the universe: and because the universe is all, that which is no part of it is nothing, and consequently nowhere. Nor does it follow from hence that spirits are nothing: for they have dimensions and are therefore really bodies; though that name in common speech be given to such bodies only as are visible or palpable; that is, that have some degree of opacity: but for spirits, they call them incorporeal, which is a name of more honour, and may therefore with more piety be attributed to God Himself; in whom we consider not what attribute expresseth best His nature, which is incomprehensible, but what best expresseth our desire to honour Him.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''[[w:Leviathan (book)|Leviathan]]'' (1651), Chapter LXVI.

* For after the Bible was translated into English, every man, nay every boy and wench, that could read English, thought they spoke with God Almighty, and understood what he said, when by a certain number of chapters a day they had read the Scriptures once or twice over. The reverence and obedience due to the Reformed Church here, and to the bishops and pastors therein, was cast off, and every man became a judge of religion, and an interpreter of the Scriptures to himself.... I confess this licence of interpreting the Scripture was the cause of so many several sects, as have lain hid until the beginning of the [[Charles I of England|late King]]'s reign, and did then appear to the disturbance of the commonwealth.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''[[w:Behemoth (book)|Behemoth]]'' (written 1668; published posthumously 1681), Part I.

* I have often wondered, that persons who make a boast of professing the Christian religion, namely, love, joy, peace, temperance, and charity to all men, should quarrel with such rancorous animosity, and display daily towards one another such bitter hatred, that this, rather than the virtues they claim, is the readiest criterion of their faith. Matters have long since come to such a pass, that one can only pronounce a man Christian, Turk, Jew, or Heathen, by his general appearance and attire, by his frequenting this or that place of worship, or employing the  phraseology of a particular sect—as for manner of life, it is in all cases the same.
** [[Baruch Spinoza]], Preface to the ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#PR] (1677).

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677).

==The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)==
* Let divines and philosophers, statemen and patriots, unite their endeavours to renovate the age by impressing the minds of men with the importance of educating little boys and girls; of inculcating in the minds of youth the fear and love of the Deity…in short leading them in the study and practice of the exalted virtues of the Christian system….
** [[Samuel Adams]], letter to John Adams October 4, 1790.

* A few persons of an odious and despised country could not have filled the world with believers, had they not shown undoubted credentials from the divine person who sent them on such a message.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Of The Christian Religion'' (1721).

* '''As the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion'''; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen [Muslims] … it is declared … that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever product an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.
** [[Joel Barlow]], ''The [[w:Treaty of Tripoli|Treaty of Tripoli]]'' (January 4, 1797). Carried unanimously by the U.S. Senate and signed into law by President [[John Adams]].

* Before the christian religion had, as it were, humanized the idea of the divinity, and brought it somewhat nearer to us, there was very little said of the love of God. The followers of [[Plato]] have something of it, and only something. The other writes of pagan antiquity, whether poets or philosophers, nothing at all.
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''A Philosphical Emquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful'' (1757), Part II, Section V.

* The Cross!&lt;br&gt;There, and there only (though the deist rave,&lt;br&gt;And atheist, if Earth bears so base a slave);&lt;br&gt;There and there only, is the power to save.
**[[William Cowper]], ''The Progress of Error'' (1792), line 613.

* I think it better to keep a profound silence with regard to the Christian fables, which are canonized by their antiquity and the credulity of absurd and insipid people.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 37 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], June 1738.

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], 19 March 1776.

* The Christians, in the course of their intestine dissensions, have inflicted far greater severities on each other than they had experienced from the zeal of infidels.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap16.htm  Chap.&amp;nbsp;16], Conduct of the Roman government towards the Christians.

* The virtue of the primitive Christians, like that of the first Romans, was very frequently guarded by poverty and ignorance.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* Whilst the happiness and glory of a temporal reign were promised to the disciples of Christ, the most dreadful calamities were denounced against an unbelieving world. … A regular series was prepared of all the moral and physical evils which can afflict a flourishing nation; intestine discord, and the invasion of the fiercest barbarians from the unknown regions of the North; pestilence and famine, comets and eclipses, earthquakes and inundations. The calmest and most intrepid sceptic could not refuse to acknowledge that the destruction of the present system of the world by fire was in itself extremely probable. The Christian, who founded his belief much less on the fallacious arguments of reason than on the authority of tradition and the interpretation of Scripture, expected it with terror and confidence as a certain and approaching event; and as his mind was perpetually filled with the solemn idea, he considered every disaster that happened to the empire as an infallible symptom of an expiring world.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The condemnation of the wisest and most virtuous of the Pagans, on account of their ignorance or disbelief of the divine truth, seems to offend the reason and the humanity of the present age. But the primitive church, whose faith was of a much firmer consistence, delivered over, without hesitation, to eternal torture the far greater part of the human species.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The chaste severity of the fathers in whatever related to the commerce of the two sexes flowed from the same principle—their [[abhorrence]] of every enjoyment which might gratify the sensual and degrade the spiritual nature of man. It was their favourite opinion, that if Adam had preserved his obedience to the Creator, he would have lived for ever in a state of virgin purity, and that some harmless mode of vegetation might have peopled paradise with a race of innocent and immortal beings. The use of marriage was permitted only to his fallen posterity, as a necessary expedient to continue the human species, and as a restraint, however imperfect, on the natural licentiousness of desire. The enumeration of the very whimsical laws which they most circumstantially imposed on the marriage-bed would force a smile from the young and a blush from the fair. It was their unanimous sentiment that a first marriage was adequate to all the purposes of nature and of society. The sensual connection was refined into a resemblance of the mystic union of Christ with his church, and was pronounced to be indissoluble either by divorce or by death. The practice of second nuptials was branded with the name of a legal adultery; and the persons who were guilty of so scandalous an offence against Christian purity were soon excluded from the honours, and even from the arms, of the church. Since desire was imputed as a crime, and marriage was tolerated as a defect, it was consistent with the same principles to consider a state of celibacy as the nearest approach to the Divine perfection.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The names of Seneca, of the elder and the younger Pliny, of Tacitus, of Plutarch, of Galen, of the slave Epictetus, and of the emperor Marcus Antoninus, adorn the age in which they flourished, and exalt the dignity of human nature. They filled with glory their respective stations, either in active or contemplative life; their excellent understandings were improved by study; philosophy had purified their minds from the prejudices of the popular superstition; and their days were spent in the pursuit of truth and the practice of virtue. Yet all these sages (it is no less an object of surprise than of concern) overlooked or rejected the perfection of the Christian system. Their language or their silence equally discover their contempt for the growing sect which in their time had diffused itself over the Roman empire. Those among them who condescend to mention the Christians consider them only as obstinate and perverse enthusiasts, who exacted an implicit submission to their mysterious doctrines, without being able to produce a single argument that could engage the attention of men of sense and learning.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* [H]ow shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* But the most interesting conquest of the Seljukian Turks was that of Jerusalem, which soon became the theatre of nations. In their capitulation with Omar, the inhabitants had stipulated the assurance of their religion and property; … and the sepulchre of Christ, with the church of the Resurrection, was still left in the hands of his votaries. Of these votaries, the most numerous and respectable portion were strangers to Jerusalem: the pilgrimages to the Holy Land had been stimulated, rather than suppressed, by the conquest of the Arabs; … The harmony of prayer in so many various tongues, the worship of so many nations in the common temple of their religion, might have afforded a spectacle of edification and peace; but the zeal of the Christian sects was imbittered by hatred and revenge; and in the kingdom of a suffering Messiah, who had pardoned his enemies, they aspired to command and persecute their spiritual brethren.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/decline5.txt Vol.&amp;nbsp; 5, Chap.&amp;nbsp;57], on [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]] under the Muslims and the motivation of the [[w:Crusades|Crusades]]

* About four hundred and sixty years after the conquest of Omar, the holy city was rescued from the Mahometan yoke. In the pillage of public and private wealth, the adventurers had agreed to respect the exclusive property of the first occupant; and the spoils of the great mosque, seventy lamps and massy vases of gold and silver, rewarded the diligence, and displayed the generosity, of Tancred. '''A bloody sacrifice was offered by his mistaken votaries to the God of the Christians: resistance might provoke but neither age nor sex could mollify, their implacable rage: they indulged themselves three days in a promiscuous massacre; and the infection of the dead bodies produced an epidemical disease. After seventy thousand Moslems had been put to the sword, and the harmless Jews had been burnt in their synagogue, they could still reserve a multitude of captives, whom interest or lassitude persuaded them to spare.''' … Bareheaded and barefoot, with contrite hearts, and in an humble posture, they ascended the hill of Calvary, amidst the loud anthems of the clergy; kissed the stone which had covered the Savior of the world; and bedewed with tears of joy and penitence the monument of their redemption. … '''nor shall I believe that the most ardent in slaughter and rapine were the foremost in the procession to the holy sepulchre.'''
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/decline5.txt Vol.&amp;nbsp; 5, Chap.&amp;nbsp;58], on the Christian conquest of [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]] from the Muslims.

* If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
** [[Baron d'Holbach]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* God's power is infinite, Whatever he wills is executed; But neither man nor any other animal is happy; therefore he does not will their happiness. Epicurus' old questions are yet unanswered. Is he both able and willing to prevent evil? Then whence cometh evil?
** [[David Hume]], ''[[s:Dialogues concerning Natural Religion|Dialogues concerning Natural Religion]]'' (1779), cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;1], p.&amp;nbsp;459.

* In the middle ages of Christianity opposition to the State opinions was hushed. The consequence was, Christianity became loaded with all the Romish follies. Nothing but free argument, raillery &amp; even ridicule will preserve the purity of religion.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Religion'' (October, 1776). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;2], p.&amp;nbsp;256.

* '''Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned: yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.''' What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth. Let us reflect that it is inhabited by a thousand millions of people. That these profess probably a thousand different systems of religion. That ours is but one of that thousand. That if there be but one right, and ours that one, we should wish to see the 999 wandering sects gathered into the fold of truth. But against such a majority we cannot effect this by force. Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these, free inquiry must be indulged; and how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse it ourselves. But every state, says an inquisitor, has established some religion. &quot;No two, say I, have established the same.&quot; Is this a proof of the infallibility of establishments? Our sister states of Pennsylvania and New York, however, have long subsisted without any establishment at all.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;80.

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81.

* Your reason is now mature enough to examine this object [religion]. In the first place divest yourself of all bias in favour of novelty &amp; singularity of opinion. Indulge them in any other subject rather than that of religion. It is too important, &amp; the consequences of error may be too serious. On the other hand shake off all the fears &amp; servile prejudices under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. '''Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.''' You will naturally examine first  the religion of your own country. Read the bible then, as you would read Livy or Tacitus. … But '''those facts in the bible which contradict the laws of nature, must be examined with more care''', and under a variety of faces. … Examine upon what evidence his pretensions are founded, and whether that evidence is so strong as that its falsehood would be more improbable than a change in the laws of nature in the case he relates. For example in the book of Joshua we are told the sun stood still several hours. Were we to read that fact in Livy or Tacitus we should class it with their showers of blood, speaking of statues, beasts, etc. But it is said that the writer of that book was inspired. Examine therefore candidly what evidence there is of his having been inspired. The pretension is entitled to your inquiry, because millions believe it. On the other hand you are astronomer enough to know how contrary it is to the law of nature that a body revolving on its axis as the earth does, should have stopped, should not by that sudden stoppage have prostrated animals, trees, buildings, and should after a certain time have resumed its revolution, &amp; that without a second general prostration. Is this arrest of the earth's motion, or the evidence which affirms it, most within the law of probabilities? You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are  some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to Peter Carr (August 10, 1787). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327.

*Christianity possesses the great advantage over Judaism of being represented as coming from the mouth of the first Teacher not as a statutory but as a moral religion, and as thus entering into the closest relation with reason so that, through reason, it was able of itself, without historical learning, to be spread at all times and among all peoples with the greatest trustworthiness.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone (1793), Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a learned religion”

* What influence in fact have ecclesiastical establishments had on Civil Society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the Civil authority; in many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny: in no instance have they been seen the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wished to subvert the public liberty, may have found an established Clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just Government instituted to secure &amp; perpetuate it needs them not.
** [[James Madison]], ''[[w:Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments|Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments]]'' (1785), opposing a &quot;Bill establishing a provision for Teachers of the Christian Religion&quot; [http://religiousfreedom.lib.virginia.edu/sacred/madison_m&amp;r_1785.html].

* During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
** [[James Madison]], ''[[w:Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments|Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments]]'' (1785), opposing a &quot;Bill establishing a provision for Teachers of the Christian Religion&quot; [http://religiousfreedom.lib.virginia.edu/sacred/madison_m&amp;r_1785.html].

* It is necessary that the Christian should distinguish himself from the crowd by a singular conduct; that he should walk almost alone along a by-lane, where he will have to suffer the scorn and sneers of false Christians.
** [[François-Philippe Mésenguy]] ''Abrégé de l’Histoire de l’Ancien Testament'' (1747), as translated by Mary Ilford in ''The Bourgeois: Catholicism vs. Capitalism in Eighteenth-Century France'' (1968), p. 163.

* ''Chose admirable! la religion chrétienne, qui ne semble avoir d'objet que la félicité de l'autre vie, fait encore notre bonheur dans celle-ci.''
** Translation: An admirable thing is the Christian religion: it seems to have no other end in view than happiness in the next world, and yet it also constitutes our happiness in this one.
** [[Montesquieu]], ''[[The Spirit of the Laws]]'' (''De l'esprit des lois'', 1748), Book XXIV, Ch. 3

* [A]ll churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Muslim, are simply human inventions. They use fear to enslave us. They are a monopoly for power and profit.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* People in general do not realize the wickedness that is in this so-called word of God. They are raised with the superstitious ideas that the Bible is true and good, and don't allow themselves to doubt it. The ideas that they form from the generosity of God are carried over to the book that they have been taught to believe was written by his authority. Good heavens, it is something else entirely! It is a book of lies, wickedness, and blasphemy. What can be a greater blasphemy than to say that the wickedness of man was done by the order of God?
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* The most horrible wickedness and cruelties, and the greatest miseries that have troubled the human race began with this thing called revelation, or revealed religion. … It would be far, far better for us to let a thousand devils roam the world, and publicly preach the doctrine of devils (if there were such a thing, which there isn't), than to let one impostor and monster such a Moses, Joshua, Samuel or the Bible prophets come speaking the so-called word of God, and causing men to believe it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded—put Satan into the pit—let him out again—given him a triumph over the whole creation—damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04].

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Of all the systems of religion that ever were invented, there is none more derogatory to the Almighty, more unedifying to man, more repugnant to reason, and more contradictory in itself, than this thing called Christianity. Too absurd for belief, too impossible to convince, and too inconsistent for practice, it renders the heart torpid, or produces only atheists and fanatics. As an engine of power, it serves the purpose of despotism; and as a means of wealth, the avarice of priests; but so far as respects the good of man in general, it leads to nothing here or hereafter.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''The Age of Reason,'' Part II (1795) Ch. 2.

* Of all religions, Christianity ought doubtless to inspire the most toleration, although hitherto the Christians have been the most intolerant of all men.
** [[Voltaire]], &quot;Toleration,&quot; ''Dictionnaire philosophique portatif'' (1764).

* [Christianity] is assuredly the most ridiculous, the most absurd and the most bloody religion which has ever infected this world. Your Majesty will do the human race an eternal service by extirpating this infamous superstition, I do not say among the rabble, who are not worthy of being enlightened and who are apt for every yoke; I say among honest people, among men who think, among those who wish to think. … My one regret in dying is that I cannot aid you in this noble enterprise, the finest and most respectable which the human mind can point out.
** [[Voltaire]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 156 from [[Voltaire]] to [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]], 5 January 1767.

* Where is the prince sufficiently educated to know that for seventeen hundred years the Christian sect has done nothing but harm?
** [[Voltaire]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 160 from [[Voltaire]] to [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]], 6 April 1767.

* [W]hen the clergy addressed General Washington on his departure from the government, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Christian religion and they thought they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However [Dr.&amp;nbsp;Rush] observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets &amp; believed himself to be so, has often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], the ''Anas'' (February 1, 1800), on [[George Washington]]'s absent Christianity. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;1], pp.&amp;nbsp;352–353.

==The Nineteenth Century==
&lt;small&gt;(oldest first)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|right|Christianity is just as lenient as it is austere, just as lenient, that is to say, [[infinitely]] lenient. When the infinite requirement is heard and upheld, heard and upheld in all its infinitude, then ''[[grace]]'' is offered, or rather grace offers itself, and to it the individual, each for himself, as I also do, can flee for refuge. ~ [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ]]
[[File:AgnusDeiWindow.jpg|thumb|right|Are there no [[w:Moravian Church|Moravians]] in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom? ~ [[Herman Melville]] ]]
* The general principles, on which the Fathers achieved independence, were the only Principles in which that beautiful Assembly of young Gentlemen could Unite…And what were these general Principles? I answer, the general Principles of Christianity, in which all these Sects were United:…Now I will avow, that I then believe, and now believe, that those general Principles of Christianity, are as eternal and immutable, as the Existence and Attributes of God; and that those Principles of Liberty, are as unalterable as human Nature and our terrestrial, mundane System.
** [[John Adams]] letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (28 June 1813).

* God … created this Speck of Dirt and the human Species for his glory: and with the deliberate design of making nine tenths of our Species miserable forever, for his glory. This is the doctrine of Christian Theologians in general: ten to one.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 14, 1813). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Indeed, Mr. Jefferson, what could be invented to debase the ancient Christianism which Greeks, Romans, Hebrews and Christian factions, above all the Catholics, have not fraudulently imposed upon the public? Miracles after miracles have rolled down in torrents.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (December 3, 1813). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;404.

* If the Christian religion, as I understand it, or as you understand it, should maintain its ground, as I believe it will, yet Platonic, Pythagoric, Hindoo, and cabalistic Christianity, which is Catholic Christianity, and which has prevailed for 1,500 years, has received a mortal wound, of which the monster must finally die. Yet so strong is his constitution, that he may endure for centuries before he expires.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (July 16, 1814). From the [http://books.google.com/books?id=9G0vAAAAYAAJ&amp;dq=works%20of%20john%20adams%20%22volume%20x%22&amp;pg=PA100#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Works of John Adams, Volume X], p.&amp;nbsp; 100.

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488.

* We have now, it Seems, a National Bible Society, to propagate the King James's Bible through all Nations. Would it not be better to apply the pious SubScriptions, to purify Christendom from the Corruptions of Christianity; than to propagate those corruptions in Europe, Asia, Africa, and America!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (November 4, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Do you think a Protestant Popedom is annihilated in America? Do you recollect, or have you ever attended to the ecclesiastical Strifes in Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, and every part of New England? What a mercy it is that these people cannot whip and crop, and pillory and roast, as yet in the U.S.! If they could they would.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (May 18, 1817). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* When we say that God is a spirit, we know what we mean, as well as we do when we say that the pyramids of Egypt are matter. Let us be content, therefore, to believe him to be a spirit, that is, an essence that we know nothing of, in which originally and necessarily reside all energy, all power, all capacity, all activity, all wisdom, all goodness.
** [[John Adams]], letter to Thomas Jefferson (17 January 1820)
** Often misquoted as &quot;God is an essence that we know nothing of&quot; and attached to part of another Adams letter to Jefferson (22 January 1825 — over five years later) on a different theological point, to form &quot;God is an essence we know nothing of. Until this awful blasphemy is gotten rid of there will never be any liberal science in the world.&quot; Misquotation cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }} and in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (May 19, 1821). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* We think ourselves possessed, or, at least, we boast that we are so, of liberty of conscience on all subjects, and of the right of free inquiry and private judgment in all cases, and yet how far are we from these exalted privileges in fact! There exists, I believe, throughout the whole Christian world, a law which makes it blasphemy to deny or doubt the divine inspiration of all the books of the Old and New Testaments, from Genesis to Revelations. In most countries of Europe it is punished by fire at the stake, or the rack, or the wheel. In England itself it is punished by boring through the tongue with a red-hot poker. In America it is not better; even in our own Massachusetts, which I believe, upon the whole, is as temperate and moderate in religious zeal as most of the States, a law was made in the latter end of the last century, repealing the cruel punishments of the former laws, but substituting fine and imprisonment upon all those blasphemers upon any book of the Old Testament or New. Now, what free inquiry, when a writer must surely encounter the risk of fine or imprisonment for adducing any argument for investigating into the divine authority of those books? Who would run the risk of translating Dupuis? But I cannot enlarge upon this subject, though I have it much at heart. I think such laws a great embarrassment, great obstructions to the improvement of the human mind. Books that cannot bear examination, certainly ought not to be established as divine inspiration by penal laws. It is true, few persons appear desirous to put such laws in execution, and it is also true that some few persons are hardy enough to venture to depart from them. But as long as they continue in force as laws, the human mind must make an awkward and clumsy progress in its investigations. I wish they were repealed. The substance and essence of Christianity, as I understand it, is eternal and unchangeable, and will bear examination forever, but it has been mixed with extraneous ingredients, which I think will not bear examination, and they ought to be separated.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (January 23, 1825). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;607.

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the saviour of the world, your most joyous and venerated festival returns on this day? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the saviour? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the redeemer's mission on earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]], 4 July 1837 speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts.

* The law given from Sinai was a civil and municipal as well as a moral and religious code…
** [[John Quincy Adams]] ''Letters of John Quincy Adams to His Son on the Bible and its Teachings'' (Auburn: James M. Alden, 1850) letter V, p. 61.

* We must not only act politically, but in our politics act religiously, religiously in the sense of freedom, of which the one true expression is justice and love. Indeed, for us alone, who are called the enemies of the Christian religion, for us alone it is reserved, and even made the highest duty … really to exercise love, this highest commandment of [[Jesus|Christ]] and this only way to true Christianity.
** [[Mikhail Bakunin]], in [http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/bakunin/works/1842/reaction-germany.htm &quot;The Reaction in Germany&quot; (1842)], his first political writings, signed &quot;Jules Elysard.&quot; It was not until 1860 that Bakunin publicly adopted his famous stance of firm atheism, and vigorous rejection of traditional religious institutions.

* ''Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,&lt;br/&gt; with the cross of Jesus going on before.&lt;br/&gt; Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe;&lt;br/&gt; forward into battle see his banners go!&lt;br/&gt;''
**  Reverend [[Sabine Baring-Gould]], lyrics to ''[[w:Onward, Christian Soldiers|Onward, Christian Soldiers]]'' (1871).

* You are to accept as a Christian every one whose life and disposition are Christ-like, no matter how heretical the denomination may be to which he belongs.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Life Thoughts'' (1858), p. 19.

* Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other masters. He begins his sermon [on the Mount] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the Essenes, and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the Neo-platonists... Every word of his sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic Buddhism.
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in  [[Isis Unveiled]]  Vol. 2, (1877)

* The Christian virtues inculcated by Jesus in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] are nowhere exemplified in the Christian world... Meanwhile the vices which coarse-mouthed slanderers have attributed to [[Paganism]], are current everywhere among Christian Fathers and Christian Churches.
* The light of Christianity has only served to show how much more hypocrisy and vice its teachings have begotten in the world since its advent, and how immensely superior were the ancients over us in every point of honor. 
* The clergy, by teaching the helplessness of man, his utter dependence on Providence, and the doctrine of atonement, have crushed in their faithful followers every atom of self-reliance and self-respect. So true is this, that it is becoming an axiom that the most honorable men are to be found among [[atheists]] and the so-called “infidels”.
* Let them [i.e. the Christian priests and leaders] pass on – we have devoted too much space to them and their conglomerate theology, already. We have weighed both in the balance of history, of logic, of truth, and found them wanting. Their system breeds atheism, nihilism, despair, and crime: its priests and preachers are unable to prove by works their reception of divine power. If both Church and priest could but pass out of the sight of the world as easily as their names do now from the eye of our reader, it would be a happy day for humanity.
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in  [[Isis Unveiled]]  Vol. 2, (1877)

* We can assert, with entire plausibility, that there is not one of all these sects — Kabalism, Judaism, and our present Christianity included — but sprung from the two main branches of that one mother-trunk, the once universal religion, which antedated the Vedaic ages — we speak of that prehistoric Buddhism which merged later into Brahmanism.&lt;BR&gt;The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of these two, Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its  moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary...  However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
** [[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]],  [[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]], Vol. II, Chapter III], (1877)

* When frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. 
** [[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]],  [[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]], Vol. II, Chapter III], (1877)

* As described in your catechisms, we reject them absolutely; least of all would we accept their eternity. But we believe firmly in what we call the Law of Retribution, and in the absolute justice and wisdom guiding this Law, or [[Karma]]. Hence we positively refuse to accept the cruel and unphilosophical belief in eternal reward or eternal punishment.   (After being asked if she believes the Christian dogmas of Paradise and Hell).
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/55618 ''The Key to Theosophy''] p. 87,  (1889)

* I say, the acknowledgment of God in Christ&lt;br&gt;Accepted by thy reason, solves for thee&lt;br&gt;All questions in the earth and out of it,&lt;br&gt;And has so far advanced thee to be wise.
** [[Robert Browning]], &quot;A Death in the Desert&quot;, stanza 21, The Complete Poetic and Dramatic Works of Robert Browning (1895), p. 390.

* I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.
** [[James Buchanan]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure... are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free government.
** [[w:Charles Carroll of Carrollton|Charles Carroll]], letter to James Mchenry, November 4, 1800.

* Since its introduction, human nature has made great progress, and society experienced great changes; and in this advanced condition of the world, Christianity, instead of losing its application and importance, is found to be more and more congenial and adapted to man's nature and wants. Men have outgrown the other institutions of that period when Christianity appeared, its philosophy, its modes of warfare, its policy, its public and private economy; but Christianity has never shrunk as intellect has opened, but has always kept in advance of men's faculties, and unfolded nobler views in proportion as they have ascended. The highest powers and affections which our nature has developed, find more than adequate objects in this religion. Christianity is indeed peculiarly fitted to the more improved stages of society, to the more delicate sensibilities of refined minds, and especially to that dissatisfaction with the present state, which always grows with the growth of our moral powers and affections.
** [[William Ellery Channing]] ''The Evidences of Revealed Religion'' 14 March 1812.

* Indeed it is evident that Christianity, however degraded and distorted by cruelty and intolerance, must always exert a modifying influence on men's passions, and protect them from the more violent forms of fanatical fever, as we are protected from smallpox by vaccination.
** [[Winston Churchill]], ''[[w:The Story of the Malakand Field Force|The Story of the Malakand Field Force]]'' (1898), Ch. III: &quot;The Outbreak&quot;.

* By further reflecting that the clearest evidence would be requisite to make any sane man believe in the miracles by which Christianity is supported,—that the more we know of the fixed laws of nature the more incredible do miracles become,—that the men at that time were ignorant and credulous to a degree almost incomprehensible by us,—that the Gospels cannot be proved to have been written simultaneously with the events,—that they differ in many important details, far too important as it seemed to me to be admitted as the usual inaccuracies of eye-witnesses;—by such reflections as these, which I give not as having the least novelty or value, but as they influenced me, I gradually came to disbelieve in Christianity as a divine revelation.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&amp;viewtype=text&amp;pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 86

* I can indeed hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished.&lt;br&gt;And this is a damnable doctrine.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&amp;viewtype=text&amp;pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 87

* I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae [wasps] with the express intention of their [larva] feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/ce/3/part10.html letter] to [[w:Asa Gray|Asa Gray]] (22&amp;nbsp;May 1860).

* Why, then, in the absence of all control over the subject of African slavery, are you agitated in relation to it? With Pharisaical pretension it is sometimes said it is a moral obligation to agitate, and I suppose they are going through a sort of vicarious repentance for other men's sins... Who gave them a right to decide that it is a sin? By what standard do they measure it? Not the Constitution; the Constitution recognizes the property in many forms, and imposes obligations in connection with that recognition. '''Not the Bible; that justifies it'''. Not the good of society; for if they go where it exists, they find that society recognizes it as good...
** [[Jefferson Davis]], [http://jeffersondavis.rice.edu/Content.aspx?id=80 Speech in Boston] (11 October 1858).

* The notion that [[slavery]] was beneficial to slaves was notably expressed by [[Jefferson Davis]] himself, in the posthumously published memoir he wrote at [[w:Beauvoir, (Biloxi Mississippi)|Beauvoir]]. Enslaved Africans sent to America were “enlightened by the rays of [[Christianity]],” he wrote, and “increased from a few unprofitable [[savages]] to millions of efficient Christian [[laborers]]. Their [[servile]] [[instincts]] rendered them contented with their lot....Never was there a [[happier]] [[dependence]] of labor and [[capital]] upon each other.”
** [[Jefferson Davis]], ''[[w:The Rise and Fall of the Confederate Government|The Rise and Fall of the Confederate Government]]'' (1881); as qtd. in Brian Palmer and Seth Freed Wessler, [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/costs-confederacy-special-report-180970731/ “The Costs of the Confederacy”], ''Smithsonian'', (December 2018).

* REMEMBER! — It is christianity TO DO GOOD always — even to those who do evil to us. It is christianity to love our neighbour as ourself; and to do to all men as we would have them Do unto us. It is christianity to be gentle, merciful, and forgiving, and to keep those qualities quiet in our own hearts, and never make a boast of them, or of our prayers or of our love of God, but always to shew that we love Him by humbly trying to do right in everything.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord, Written for his own Children'' (1849), Chapter 11.

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner's part. That God's wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon 'the accursed tree,' than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father's business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29.

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form[.] … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15.

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13.

* The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence, from Jerusalem, of a lunatic asylum.
** [[Havelock Ellis]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Christianity, above all, consoles; but there are naturally happy souls who do not need consolation. Consequently, Christianity begins by making such souls unhappy, for otherwise it would have no power over them.
** [[André Gide]], journal entry, October 10, 1893.

* A Christian is God Almighty's gentleman: a gentleman, in the vulgar superficial way of understanding the word, is the Devil's Christian.
** [[w:Augustus William Hare|Augustus William Hare]] and [[w:Julius Charles Hare|Julius Charles Hare]] ''Guesses at Truth'' (1827).

* Christian faith is a grand cathedral, with divinely pictured windows. Standing without, you see no glory, nor can possibly imagine any; standing within, every ray of light reveals a harmony of unspeakable splendors.
** [[Nathaniel Hawthorne]], ''[[w:The Marble Faun|The Marble Faun]]'' (1860), Ch. XXXIII: &quot;Pictured Windows&quot;.

* There is in every village a torch: The schoolteacher. And an extinguisher: The priest.
** [[Victor Hugo]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* They believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]] on members of the clergy who sought to establish some form of &quot;official&quot; Christianity in the U.S. government. Letter to Dr. [[Benjamin Rush]] (September 23, 1800); The first portion of this statement has also been widely paraphrased as &quot;The clergy believe that any power confided in me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes, and they believe rightly.&quot;
** &lt;!-- NOTE : This has commonly been quoted as &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God Eternal, hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man&quot;, &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man&quot;, and &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.'''&quot; Neither capitalization of &quot;god&quot; and &quot;eternal&quot;, nor a comma before or after &quot;eternal&quot; are apparent in the original. [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/022/0400/0440.jpg Photograph of the original manuscript at the Library of Congress] - [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj090069)) LOC transcription] (though this transcription has a comma between god and eternal in there is no comma apparent in the photograph and where grammar might best place it remains ambiguous). --&gt;

* Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch...
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1781-1783), Query XVII

* The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable... Like  [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself... But he had not, like them, a [[Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. … According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33 years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3 years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible.... They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor.&lt;br&gt;Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. … His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to [[Benjamin Rush]] (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* If the Christian religion, as I understand it, or as you understand it, should maintain its ground, as I believe it will, yet Platonic, Pythagoric, Hindoo, and cabalistic Christianity, which is Catholic Christianity, and which has prevailed for 1,500 years, has received a mortal wound, of which the monster must finally die. Yet so strong is his constitution, that he may endure for centuries before he expires.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (July 16, 1814). From the [http://books.google.com/books?id=9G0vAAAAYAAJ&amp;dq=works%20of%20john%20adams%20%22volume%20x%22&amp;pg=PA100#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Works of John Adams, Vol. X], p.&amp;nbsp; 100.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all  The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of Plato, of Aristotle &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492.

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all  The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499.

* I may say Christianity itself divided into it's thousands also, who are disputing, anathematizing and where the laws permit burning and torturing one another for abstractions which no one of them understand, and which are indeed beyond the comprehension of the human mind[.]
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to George Loan (November 12, 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;43.

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill[.] … The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,[footnote: e.g. The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. —T.J.] invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which Priestley has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], October 31, 1819.  Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers [the authors of the Gospels], which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor. For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor.''' I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When Livy and Siculus, for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking,''' I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440.[http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html].

* His [Jesus'] object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by Moses. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440.[http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html].

* The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of Calvin.
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as Athanasius and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. '''They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of Mahomet. Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity''', who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian. '''I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests'''[.]
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243.

* The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]], April 11, 1823.[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml].

* I thank you, Sir, for the copy you were so kind as to send me of the revd. Mr. Bancroft's Unitarian sermons. I have read them with great satisfaction, and always rejoice in efforts to restore us to primitive Christianity, in all the simplicity in which it came from the lips of Jesus. Had it never been sophisticated by the subtleties of Commentators, nor paraphrased into meanings totally foreign to it's character, it would at this day have been the religion of the whole civilized world. But the metaphysical abstractions of Athanasius, and the maniac ravings of Calvin, tinctured plentifully with the foggy dreams of Plato, have so loaded it with absurdities and incomprehensibilities, as to drive into infidelity men who had not time, patience, or opportunity to strip it of it's meretricious trappings[.]
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John Davis (January 18, 1824). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;331–332.

* It is between fifty and sixty years since I read the Apocalypse, and I then considered it merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy, nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams. … what has no meaning admits no explanation.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Alexander Smyth|Alexander Smyth]], January 17, 1825.[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml].

* When I looked at the conduct of the whites who were called Christians, and saw them drunk, quarreling, and fighting, cheating the poor Indians, and acting as if there was no God, I was led to think there could be no truth in the white man's religion, and felt inclined to fall back again to my old superstitions.
** [[Peter Jones]] In [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Life_and_Journals_of_Keh-ke-wa-guo-n%C4%81-ba:_(Rev._Peter_Jones%2C)_Wesleyan_Missionary/Autobiography Life and Journals of Kah-ke-wa-quo-nā-by: (Rev. Peter Jones,) Wesleyan Missionary], quoted in: Rev. Ken Herfst ''[http://www.frcna.org/messenger/Archive.ASP?Issue=200405&amp;Article=1098711706 Peter Jones - Sacred Feathers - and the Mississauga Indians]'' Free Reformed Churches of North America Messenger, May 2004.

* '''The lost chord of Christianity is the doctrine of [[Reincarnation]].''' It was beyond doubt taught in the early days of the cult, for it was well known to the Jews who produced the men who founded Christianity. The greatest of all the Fathers of the Church--Origen--no doubt believed in the doctrine. He taught pre-existence and the wandering of the soul. This could hardly have been believed without also giving currency to reincarnation, as the soul could scarcely wander in any place save the earth. She was in exile from Paradise, and for sins committed had to revolve and wander. Wander where? would be the next question. Certainly away from Paradise, and the short span of human life would not meet the requirements of the case. But a series of reincarnations will meet all the problems of life as well as the necessities of the doctrines of exile, of wanderings for purification, of being known to God and being judged by him before birth, and of other dogmas given out among the Jews and of course well known to Jesus and whoever of the seventy-odd disciples were not in the deepest ignorance
** [[William Q. Judge]] in [https://www.blavatsky.net/index.php/reincarnation-in-judaism-and-the-bible ''Reincarnation In Judaism And The Bible''] (1894)

* The inquiring subject must be in one of two situations: either he must in faith be convinced of the truth of Christianity and his own relation to it, in which case all the rest cannot possibly be of infinite interest, since faith is precisely the infinite interest in Christianity and any other interest easily becomes a temptation; or he is not in a relationship of faith but is objectively in a relationship of observation and as such is not infinitely interested in deciding the question.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'', Hong, p. 21 (1846).

* Christianity is spirit; spirit is inwardness; inwardness is subjectivity, subjectivity is essentially passion, and at its maximum an infinite, personally interested passion for one’s eternal happiness. All decision, all essential decision, is rooted in subjectivity. As soon as subjectivity is taken away, and passion from subjectivity, and infinite interest from passion, there is no decision whatever, whether on this issue or any other. All decision, all essential decision, is rooted in subjectivity.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'', Hong, p. 33 (1846).

* There is only one name in heaven and on earth, only one road, only one prototype. The person who chooses to follow Christ chooses the name that is about every name, the prototype that is supremely lifted up above all heavens, but yet at the same time is human in such a way that it can be the prototype for a human being, that it is named and shall be named in heaven and on earth, in both places, as the highest name. There are prototypes whose names are mentioned only on earth,, but the highest name, the one and only name, must of course have this excluding quality that in turn identifies it as the one and only name-that it is named both in heaven and on earth. This name is the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. But is it not then joyous to dare to choose to walk the same road he walked! Unfortunately, in the confused and confusing jargon of the world, whatever is simple and earnest almost sounds at times like a jest. The person who certainly has exercised the greatest power ever exercised in the world proudly calls himself Peter’s successor. But to be Christ’s follower! Indeed that does not tempt to pride; it is the equal opportunity for the mightiest and for the lowliest, for the wisest and the simplest-that is the blessedness of it.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'', 1847 Hong p. 225-226.

* '''I have never [[fought]] in such a way as to say: I am the [[true]] Christian, others are not Christians.''' No, my contention has been this: I [[know]] what Christianity is, my imperfection as a Christian I myself fully recognize — but I know what Christianity is. And to get this properly recognized must be, I should think, to every man’s interest, whether he be a Christian or not, whether his intention is to accept Christianity or to reject it. But '''I have attacked no one as not being a Christian, [[w:Christian Universalism|I have condemned no one]].'''
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], in [[w:The Point of View of My Work as an Author|''The Point of View of My Work as an Author'' (1848, 1851, 1859)]]

* Instead of giving the impression, in however small a degree, that there are such difficulties about Christianity that an apology for it is needed if men are to be persuaded to enter into it, rather to represent it as a thing so infinitely lofty, as in [[truth]] it is, that the apology belongs in another place, is required, that is to say, of us for the fact that we venture to call ourselves Christians, or it transforms itself into a contrite confession that we have God to thank if we merely assume to regard ourselves as a Christian. But neither must this ever be forgotten: '''Christianity is just as lenient as it is austere, just as lenient, that is to say, [[infinitely]] lenient. When the infinite requirement is heard and upheld, heard and upheld in all its infinitude, then ''[[grace]]'' is offered, or rather grace offers itself, and to it the individual, each for himself, as I also do, can flee for refuge.'''
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''The Point of View of My Work as an Author'' (1848, 1851, 1859).

* All Christian knowing, however rigorous its form, ought to be concerned, but this concern is precisely the upbuilding.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''The Sickness Unto Death'' (1849), Preface

* My earlier views on the unsoundness of the Christian scheme of salvation have become clearer and stronger with advancing years.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The real security of Christianity is to be found in its benevolent morality, in its exquisite adaptation to the human heart, in the facility with which its scheme accommodates itself to the capacity of every human intellect, in the consolation which it bears to every house of mourning, in the light with which it brightens the great mystery of the grave.
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] ''Edinburgh Review'' January 1830, review of [[Robert Southey|Southey's]] ''Colloquies on Society''.

* '''Are there no [[w:Moravian Church|Moravians]] in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom?'''
** [[Herman Melville]], ''[[w:White-Jacket|White-Jacket]]'' (1850), Chapter 64; this has often been quoted with modernized American spelling, rendering it ''&quot;to civilize civilization and christianize Christendom?&quot;''

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn't resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn't be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God's moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874).

* The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science,'' (1882), Section 130.

* In Christianity neither morality nor religion has even a single point of contact with reality.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The AntiChrist'' (1888), Section 15.

* The very word 'Christianity' is a misunderstanding — in truth, there was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The AntiChrist'' (1888), Section 39.

* I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great intrinsic depravity, the one great instinct for revenge for which no expedient is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, petty—I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] ''[[The Antichrist]]'' (1888) Section 62.

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801).

* Christianity does not consist in believing stories in the Old Testament, about Noah's curse and all that, but in loving your brother as yourself, and God with your whole heart.
** [[s:Theodore Parker|Theodore Parker]], [[s:To a Southern Slaveholder|&quot;To a Southern Slaveholder&quot;]] (2 February 1848).

* &quot;It is a refiner as well as a purifier of the heart; it imparts correctness of perception, delicacy of sentiment, and all those nicer shades of thought and feeling which constitute elegance of mind.&quot;
** [[Mrs. John Sanford]], ''The Lady's Manual of Moral and Intellectual Culture'' (1854) Causes of Female Influence.

* [E]ven while admitting the existence of the theological God, and the reality of his so discordant attributes which they impute to him, one can conclude nothing to authorize the conduct or the cult which one is prescribed to render him. … If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him? If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future? If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers? If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him? If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has, filled with weaknesses? If grace does everything for them, what reason would he have for recompensing them? If he is all-powerful, how offend him, how resist him? If he is reasonable, how can he be angry at the blind, to whom he has given the liberty of being unreasonable? If he is immovable, by what right do we pretend to make him change his decrees? If he is inconceivable, why occupy ourselves with him? IF HE HAS SPOKEN, WHY IS THE UNIVERSE NOT CONVINCED? If the knowledge of a God is the most necessary, why is it not the most evident and the clearest.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''[[s:The Necessity of Atheism|The Necessity of Atheism]]'' (1811).

* Madame de Staël thought it was pride in man to endevour to penetrate the secret of the universe; and speaking of the higher metaphysics she said: &quot;I prefer the Lord's Prayer to it all.&quot;
** [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël]], in Albertine-Adrienne Necker de Saussure, ''Sketch of the Life, Character and Writings of Baroness de Staël-Holstein'' (1820), p. 329
** Often misquoted as &quot;I desire no other evidence of the truth of Christianity than the Lord's Prayer&quot;.

* I can never acknowledge the right of [[slavery]]. '''I will bow down to no deity however worshipped by professing Christians — however dignified by the name of the Goddess of Liberty, whose footstool is the crushed necks of the groaning millions''', and who rejoices in the resoundings of the tyrant’s lash, and the cries of his tortured victims.
**[[Thaddeus Stevens]], letter (4 May 1838), quoted in ''Shapers of the Great Debate on the Civil War : A Biographical Dictionary'' (2005) by Dan Monroe and Bruce Tap, p. 255.

* There will soon be no more priests. Their work is done. They may wait awhile … perhaps a generation or two … dropping off by degrees. … A new order shall arise and they shall be the new priests of man, and every man shall be his own priest. The churches built under their umbrage shall be the churches of men and women. Through the divinity of themselves shall the kosmos and the new breed of poets be interpreters of men and women and of all events and things. They shall find their inspiration in real objects today, symptoms of the past and future. … They shall not deign to defend immorality or God or the perfection of things or liberty or the exquisite beauty and reality of the soul. They shall arise in America and be responded to from the remainder of the earth.
** [[Walt Whitman]], Preface to the first edition of ''[[Leaves of Grass]]'' (1855). Quoted in [[w:Susan Jacoby|Susan Jacoby]]'s ''Freethinkers: A History of American Secularism'', pp.&amp;nbsp;214–215.

* Yesterday a conversation about divinity and faith suggested to me a great, a stupendous idea to the realization of which I feel capable of dedicating my whole life. This is the idea—the founding of a new religion corresponding to the development of mankind: the religion of Christ, but purged of all dogma and mystery, a practical religion, not promising future bliss but realizing bliss on earth. I understand that to bring this idea to fulfillment the conscientious labor of generations toward this end will be necessary.
** [[Leo Tolstoy]], Journal Entry 1855, cited in ''Selected Essays'' (New York: 1964), p. v.

* The triumphs of Christianity rest this very hour upon slavery...
**[[w:John T. Wightman|John T. Wightman]], ''The Glory of God, the Defence of the South'' (1861), Yorkville, South Carolina.

* We teach and define that it is a dogma divinely revealed: that the Roman pontiff, when he speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in discharge of the office of pastor and doctor of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church, by the divine assistance promised him in blessed Peter, is possessed of that infallibility with which the divine Redeemer willed that his Church should be endowed for defining doctrine regarding faith and morals; and that therefore such definitions of the Roman pontiff are irreformable of themselves, and not from the consent of the Church.
** [[w:First Vatican Council|Vatican Council]], (24 April 1870).

* The primitive creative epoch in the history of Christianity was followed in the [[Middle Ages]] by a period especially characterized by the evolution of the consciousness of opposition between God and the world, priests and laity, church and state, and, in general, between the human spirit, on the one hand, and God, the human spirit itself and nature, on the other, and hence by the evolution of the sense of the limitation and bondage of man. The period of Modern Times, on the contrary, is marked, in the main, by the development of the consciousness of restored unity, and hence of the [[wiktionary:reconciliation#Noun|reconciliation]] and freedom of the human spirit. '''In the [[w:Church Fathers|patristic]] period, philosophic thought stands in the closest union with theological speculation, and co-operates in the development of Christian dogma. In the [[w:Scholasticism|Scholastic]] period it passes into the service of [[theology]], being employed merely to reduce to scientific form a body of dogmatic teaching''' for the most part already at hand, by introducing a logical arrangement and '''bringing to its support philosophical doctrines from ante-Christian antiquity.''' In Modern Philosophy it gradually acquires, with reference to Christian theology and ancient philosophy, the character of an independent science as regards both form and content.
** [[w:Friedrich Ueberweg|Friedrich Ueberweg]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=dgIvAAAAYAAJ A History of Philosophy: History of Ancient and Medieval Philosophy]'' (in German 1863–1866, English Tr. 1875) Tr. George S. Morris &amp; Noah Porter

* Christianity is the solace of the poor. Christ has ever been the poor man's Friend.
** [[Ellen G. White]] cited in ''The Signs of the Times'', [http://egwtext.whiteestate.org June 21, 1899], paragraph 7.

* Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone, from the last church, falls on the last priest.
** [[Émile Zola]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}


==The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'' and LDS Scriptures==

===The ''Book of Mormon'' (1830)===
* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether#Chapter Three|3:14]].

* And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether#Chapter Twelve|12:6]].

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Alma#Chapter Seven|7:10]].

* For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter Three|3:19]].

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. &lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Mormon#Chapter Nine|9:19–21]]

* For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Twenty-six|26:33]].

* Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord. Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph. Wherefore, I the Lord God will not suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old. Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none; For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts. Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes. For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Jacob|Jacob]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Jacob#Chapter Two|2:24-30]].

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** [[Jesus]], The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/3 Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/3 Nephi#Chapter Nine|9:3–15]]

===Doctrine and Covenants (1835)===
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831).

* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[Jesus]], The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 93|93:21]].

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''Jesus Christ, whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant Joseph; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[Jesus]], speaking through [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July 1843 polygamy revelation on plural marriage and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of Smith's plural wives; The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

===The Pearl of Great Price (1888)===
* … I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; and there were many great ones which were near unto it; And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest. … Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revolutions thereof; that one revolution was a day unto the Lord, after his manner of reckoning, it being one thousand years according to the time appointed unto that whereon thou standest. This is the reckoning of the Lord's time, according to the reckoning of Kolob.
** [[w:Abraham|Abraham]], The ''[[w:Pearl of Great Price|Pearl of Great Price]]'', [[s:Pearl of Great Price/Abraham|Abraham]] [[s:Pearl of Great Price/Abraham#Chapter 3|3:2–4]]. [God explains to Abraham that on a day of the star [[w:Kolob|Kolob]] is one thousand years on earth, and is the way God measures time.]

==The twentieth century==
* Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions:  first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem.  (Forward)
** [[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

* He has been for two thousand years the supreme Head of the Church Invisible, the Spiritual Hierarchy, composed of the disciples of all faiths. He recognises and loves those who are not Christian but who retain their allegiance to their Founders – the Buddha, Mohammed and others. He cares not what the faith is, if the objective is love of God and of humanity. If men look for the Christ Who left His disciples centuries ago, they will fail to recognise the Chirst Who is in the process of returning. The Christ has no religious barriers in His consciousness. It matters not to Him of what faith a man may call himself.&lt;BR&gt; The Son of God is on His way, and He cometh not alone. His advance guard is already here, and the Plan which they must follow, is already made clear. Let recognition be the aim. 
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 60

* He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

* In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* Christianity has operated with an unmitigated arrogance and cruelty -- necessarily, since a religion ordinarily imposes on those who have discovered the true faith the spiritual duty of liberating the infidels.
** [[James Baldwin]], &quot;Letter from a Region in My Mind,&quot;  ''The New Yorker'' (17 November 1962), republished as &quot;Down at the Cross: Letter from a Region in My Mind&quot; in ''The Fire Next Time'' (1963).

* I have said it many a time, and am surer of it than ever, that the life and death issue of [[Christianity]] is the inspiration and authority of the Bible.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''[http://www.pwmi.org/christianfaith/ourbible.asp Our Bible: The Most Critical Issue]'' (1991).

* '''Our Christian conviction is that Christ is also the messiah of Israel.''' Certainly it is in the [[hands]] of [[God]] how and when the unification of [[Jews]] and Christians into the [[people]] of God will take place.
** [[Pope Benedict XVI]], &quot;God and the World&quot;, as reported by ''National Catholic Reporter'' (October 2000)

* There seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine...  It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn [[compassion]], learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
** [[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''  (May, June, and July 1909)

* To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own...  By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* '''Christian''', n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''[[w:Devil's Dictionary|Devil's Dictionary]]'' (1911).

* '''Should the church be trying to erect a spiritual reign of terror over people by threatening earthly and eternal punishment on its own authority and commanding everything a person must believe and do to be saved?''' Should the church's word bring new tyranny and violent abuse to human souls? It may be that some people yearn for such servitude. But could the church ever serve such a longing? &lt;br&gt; '''When holy scripture speaks of following [[Jesus]], it proclaims that people are free from all human rules, from everything which presumes, burdens, or causes worry and torment of conscience.''' In following Jesus, people are released from the hard yoke of their own laws to be under the gentle yoke of Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]. … '''Jesus' commandment never wishes to destroy life, but rather to preserve, strengthen, and heal life.'''
** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''[[w:The Cost of Discipleship|Discipleship]]'' (1937), &quot;Preface&quot;, as translated by Barbara Green and Reihhard Krauss (2001). &lt;!-- Edited by Geffrey B. Kelly and John D. Godsey. --&gt;

* Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free.
** [[Pat Buchanan]] speech to the Christian Coalition quoted in ''New York Times'' 12 September 1993 p. 37.

* Contemporary Christian proclamation is faced with the question whether, when it demands faith from men and women, it expects them to acknowledge this mythical world picture from the past. If this is impossible, it has to face the question whether the New Testament proclamation has a truth that is independent of the mythical world picture, in which case '''it would be the task of theology to [[Demythologization|demythologize]] the Christian proclamation'''.
** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], ''New Testament and Mythology and Other Basic Writings'' (1984), p. 3.

* Can the Christian proclamation today expect men and women to acknowledge the mythical world picture as true? To do so would be both pointless and impossible. It would be pointless because there is nothing specifically Christian about the mythical world picture, which is simply the world picture of a time now past which was not yet formed by scientific thinking. It would be impossible because no one can appropriate a world picture by sheer resolve, since it is already given with one’s historical situation. … We cannot use electric lights and radios and, in the event of illness, avail ourselves of modern medical and clinical means and at the same time believe in the spirit and wonder world of the New Testament.
** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], ''New Testament and Mythology and Other Basic Writings'' (1984), p. 4.

* My own case for Christianity is rational; but it is not simple. It is an accumulation of varied facts, like the attitude of the ordinary [[Agnosticism|agnostic]]. But '''the ordinary agnostic has got his facts all wrong. He is a non-believer for a multitude of reasons; but they are untrue reasons. He doubts because the Middle Ages were barbaric, but they weren't'''; because [[Darwinism]] is demonstrated, but it isn't; because miracles do not happen, but they do; because monks were lazy, but they were very industrious; because nuns are unhappy, but they are particularly cheerful; because Christian art was sad and pale, but it was picked out in peculiarly bright colours and gay with gold; because modern science is moving away from the supernatural, but it isn't, it is moving towards the supernatural with the rapidity of a railway train.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=p7UEAQAAIAAJ ''Orthodoxy''] (1909), p. 277.

* No two ideals could be more opposite than a Christian saint in a Gothic cathedral and a Buddhist saint in a Chinese temple. The opposition exists at every point; but perhaps the shortest statement of it is that the Buddhist saint always has his eyes shut, while the Christian saint always has them very wide open. The Buddhist saint always has a very sleek and harmonious body, but his eyes are heavy and sealed with sleep. '''The medieval saint's body is wasted to its crazy bones, but his eyes are frightfully alive.''' There cannot be any real community of spirit between forces that produced symbols so different as that.&lt;!--p.243--&gt;
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''Orthodoxy'' (1909)

* The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]] ''What's Wrong With The World'' (1910) Part One: The Homelessness Of Man, Chapter 5 : The Unfinished Temple.

* Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors.
** [[James Cone]], ''A Black Theology of Liberation'' (1970), p. 61

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence.
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986)

* Jewish persecution only followed after Christians first were persecuted.
** American Catholic priest [[w:Charles Coughlin|Charles Coughlin]]'s radio address following the Nazi [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]] attack on German Jews, November 20, 1938. In New York, on December 18, 1938, two thousand followers of Coughlin chanted in protest against a potential U.S. [[w:Right of asylum|asylum law]]:&lt;blockquote&gt;Send Jews back where they came from in leaky boats!&lt;br/&gt; Wait until Hitler comes over here!&lt;/blockquote&gt;

* On this earth you must belong to the church militant or get the hell out of it. That's the right word. You're either with me or against me' There is no middle ground in this battle between Christ and the anti-Christ. If you step out of (the battle), you're worse than those boys who ran off to Norway, Sweden, those boys who deserted the government. You're deserters, rotten deserters.
** American Catholic priest [[w:Charles Coughlin|Charles Coughlin]] (1973) [Citation Needed]

* It is in Christianity that our arts have developed; it is in Christianity that the laws of Europe have—until recently—been rooted. It is against a background of Christianity that all our thought has significance. An individual European may not believe that the Christian Faith is true, and yet what he says, and makes, and does, will all spring out of his heritage of Christian culture and depend upon that culture for its meaning. Only a Christian could have reproduced a Voltaire or a Nietzsche. I do not believe that the culture of Europe could survive the complete disappearance of the Christian Faith.
** [[T.S. Eliot]], ''Notes Towards the Definition of Culture'' (1948)

* The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], Sermon (4 July 1976).

* I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!
** [[Jerry Falwell]], ''America Can Be Saved!'' (1979) [[w:Sword of the Lord|Sword of the Lord Publishers]], Murfreesboro, Tennessee, pp. 52–53, quoted at [http://www.theocracywatch.org/schools2.htm &quot;The Rise of the Religious Right in the Republican Party&quot;]

* No one is without Christianity, if we agree on what we mean by the word. It is every individual's individual code of behavior by means of which he makes himself a better human being than his nature wants to be, if he followed his nature only.
** [[William Faulkner]], interview, ''Writers at Work: First Series'' (1958).

* I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The [[materialism]] of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time.
** [[Mohandas Gandhi]] as quoted by William Rees-Mogg in ''The Times'' [London] (4 April 2005). Gandhi here makes reference to a statement of Jesus: &quot;No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.&quot; (Luke 16:13).

* Nearly all the Latin Fathers are Africans - Tertullian of Carthage, the Numid Arnobius of Sicca and his pupil Lactantius, Saint Cyprian of Carthage, the African Marius Victorinus, the Berber Saint Augustine, in short, all this glorious vanguard of Latin patristic culture. What splendid gifts these were from Africa to the Church of Rome while the latter had only the works of Saint Ambrose and of Saint Jerome to put in the Balance!
** [[:w:Etienne Gilson|Etienne Gilson]], ''The Philosopher and Theology'' (1960), Random House New York, 1962, pp.195-196. ''[[:w:Catholic World|Catholic World]]'', Volumes 175-176 ([[w:Paulist Fathers|Paulist Fathers]], 1952, p. 376) put it thus:&lt;blockquote&gt;The whole of North Africa was a glory of Christendom with St. Augustine, himself a Berber, its chief ornament.&lt;/blockquote&gt;

* Christianity is most admirably adapted to the training of slaves, to the perpetuation of a slave society; in short, to the very conditions confronting us to-day. … The rulers of the earth have realized long ago what potent poison inheres in the Christian religion. That is the reason they foster it; that is why they leave nothing undone to instill it into the blood of the people. They know only too well that the subtleness of the Christian teachings is a more powerful protection against rebellion and discontent than the club or the gun.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''The Failure of Christianity'' (1913).

* Everywhere and always, since its very inception, Christianity has turned the earth into a vale of tears; always it has made of life a weak, diseased thing, always it has instilled fear in man, turning him into a dual being, whose life energies are spent in the struggle between body and soul. In decrying the body as something evil, the flesh as the tempter to everything that is sinful, man has mutilated his being in the vain attempt to keep his soul pure, while his body rotted away from the injuries and tortures inflicted upon it. &lt;br/&gt; The Christian religion and morality extols the glory of the Hereafter, and therefore remains indifferent to the horrors of the earth. Indeed, the idea of self-denial and of all that makes for pain and sorrow is its test of human worth, its passport to the entry into heaven.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''The Failure of Christianity'' (1913).

* You just come to them and look them straight in the eye and say, &quot;Yes brother, I'm washed in the same blood as you.&quot; It all comes in the blood—you hear all these sayings &quot;power in the blood,&quot; &quot;are you washed in the blood,&quot; it's a very bloody religion.
** [[w:Marjoe Gortner|Marjoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:Marjoe|Marjoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Discernable differences can be found in writings from various Christian traditions; great theologians or historical movements establish patterns that persist. Examples: the use of natural law in the Roman Catholic tradition; the distinction between law and gospel and between the heavenly and earthly realms in the Lutheran tradition; the emphasis on following Christ as he is portrayed in the Gospels and on rigorous obedience to his teachings in the Radical Reformation; [and] the marked mystical aspects of ethics in the Eastern Orthodox tradition.
** Gustafson J. 1986. Christian ethics. In: J. Childress &amp; J. Macquarrie (Eds.), “The Westminster dictionary of Christian ethics (2nd ed., pp. 87-90). Philadelphia: The Westminster Press. p. 89

* Christian mythology incorporated the cosmological theories current eighteen centuries ago. Dante found it a slight strain to combine this mythology with the facts known in his own day. Milton found it harder. Mr. Lewis finds it impossible.
** [[J. B. S. Haldane]], [http://www.solcon.nl/arendsmilde/cslewis/reflections/e-haldane.htm review] of [[w:C. S. Lewis|C. S. Lewis]]'s ''[[w:Space Trilogy|Space Trilogy]]'' (1946).

* The very basis of the Judeo-Christian code is injustice, the scapegoat system. The scapegoat sacrifice runs all through the Old Testament, then it reaches its height in the New Testament with the notion of the Martyred Redeemer. How can justice possibly be served by loading your sins on another? Whether it be a lamb having its throat cut ritually, or a Messiah nailed to a cross and 'dying for your sins.' Somebody should tell all of Yahweh's followers, Jews and Christians, that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Job, A Comedy of Justice|Job: A Comedy of Justice]]'' (1984), ch. 27, New York: Del Rey, {{ISBN|9780345313577}}.

* You see, it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the religion of the [[Japan]]ese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? '''The [[Islam|Mohammedan religion]] too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'' by Albert Speer, p. 115.

* The victorious course of Christianity since Nicaea and especially since Augustine, which was not unlike the expansion of Buddhism since the reign of Asoka, sealed its pact with that worldly wisdom which it had originally professed to renounce. Its readiness for fanaticism, without which its ascendancy would have been unstable, testified to a secret and indomitable hatred for that attitude of mind for which its founder had earlier been put to death.
** [[Max Horkheimer]], “Theism and Atheism” (1963), in ''Critique of Instrumental Reason'' (1974).

* It is almost as much the duty of a Christian to be loved as to love.
** [[w:Caryll Houselander|Caryll Houselander]], ''The Reed of God'' (London: Sheed &amp; Ward, 1944), p. 73.

* [[Humanity]] in the [[past]] did certain things which fill us with [[horror]]. But on the other hand we are doing things now which would have filled humanity in the past with equal horror. If to us [[medieval]] ''intolerance'' causes creeps down the back, surely the ''tolerance'' of modern times, with the indifferentism inseparably bound up with it, would also have caused creeps down the back of the medieval. '''The notion that the existence of God, the truth of Christianity and the teaching authority of the Church should be a matter of hesitation or doubt, would have made any average medieval turn in his grave.''' To him these truths were as clear as the sun at noonday; so much so that '''any man who called them into question must be either hopelessly insane or hopelessly wicked.'''
** Ernest R. Hull, ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=Z3A9AQAAMAAJ The Psychology of Medieval Persecution: Some Novels for Catholic Readers]'' (1918) pp. 60-61

* Why should it be taken for granted that the men who devoted their lives to the liberation of their fellow-men should have been hissed at in the hour of death by the snakes of conscience, while men who defended slavery, practiced polygamy, justified the stealing of babes from the breasts of mothers, and lashed the naked hack of unpaid labor are supposed to have passed smilingly from earth to the embraces of the angels? Why should we think that the brave thinkers, the investigators, the honest men, must have left the crumbling shore of time in dread and fear, while the instigators of the massacre of St. Bartholomew; the inventors and users of thumbscrews, of iron boots and racks; the burners and tearers of human flesh; the stealers, the whippers and the enslavers of men; the buyers and beaters of maidens, mothers, and babes; the founders of the Inquisition; the makers of chains; the builders of dungeons; the calumniators of the living; the slanderers of the dead, and even the murderers of Jesus Christ, all died in the odor of sanctity, with white, forgiven hands folded upon the breasts of peace, while the destroyers of prejudice, the apostles of humanity, the soldiers of liberty, the breakers of fetters, the creators of light, died surrounded by the fierce fiends of God?
** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/38803/38803-h/38803-h.htm#link0006 &quot;The Great Infidels&quot;] (1881), collected in ''The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll'' vol. III (1900).

* One hundred years after Christ had died suppose someone had asked a Christian, What hospitals have you built? What asylums have you founded? They would have said &quot;None.&quot; Suppose three hundred years after the death of Christ the same questions had been asked the Christian, he would have said &quot;None, not one.&quot; Two hundred years more and the answer would have been the same. And at that time the Christian could have told the questioner that the Mohammedans had built asylums before the Christians. He could also have told him that there had been orphan asylums in China for hundreds and hundreds of years, hospitals in India, and hospitals for the sick at Athens.
** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/38811/38811-h/38811-h.htm#link0039 &quot;What Infidels Have Done&quot;], collected in ''The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll'' vol. XI (1902)
** Ingersoll's account is historically inaccurate. The earliest Christian hospitals date back to the 4th century, shortly after Christianity ceased to be a persecuted, underground religion. Before that, as ''The Oxford Handbook of Late Antiquity'' (2012, p. 727) notes, &quot;With the exception … of the Roman ''valetudinaria'' [military hospitals] - specialized in function, immensely different in character from later Christian hospitals, and long defunct by the time of the first Christian hospitals - there were probably no hospitals at all in the Mediterranean world or the Middle East.&quot;

* When [Jesus] executes judgment over the world at Armageddon, he will destroy all but the faithful Jehovah's witnesses. [Jesus  is then shown hurling fireballs that destroy New York City, breaking dams, causing fires, and murdering many people, including children]. Jesus, alias [[w:Archangel Michael|Michael]], will always remain invisible to those on earth, and can be seen only by the 144,000 select Jehovah's witnesses who rule with Him from heaven.
** From a [[w:Jehovah's Witness|Jehovah's Witness]]'s [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeXCQ6CrgjA cartoon] explaining Jesus.

* It is forecast that the Master Jesus will yet occupy the chair of the Pope of Rome, and that from that seat he will then be able to re-inspire and re-orient the whole field of Christian religion, diverting it from its present political and temporal trends, towards a more spiritual approach. 
** [[Aart Juriaanse|Aart Jurriaanse]] in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_ajJesus.htm The Master Jesus, ''Share International'']  Excerpted from the book Bridges by Aart Jurriaanse, ISBN 3-929345-11-0  (April 1999)

* The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ.
** [[w:D. James Kennedy|James Kennedy]] ''Education: Public Problems and Private Solutions'' (Coral Ridge Ministries 1993).

* The Bible refers to Christians as “children of light” (Eph. 5:8).  We are individuals, but the Bible never refers to a “child of light.”  We are all members of one body.  As we “zip” along together as little Christian “photons,” we are a wave of light, children of light, who can make a real difference in this dark world. 
** Dr. James I. Lamb, [http://www.lcms.org/Document.fdoc?src=lcm&amp;id=526 “Children of Light”], January, 1999 issue of The Lutheran Witness, p.1

* It can be expected that the orthodox Christian will at first reject the theories about the Christ which occultism presents; at the same time, this same orthodox Christian will find it increasingly difficult to induce the intelligent masses of people to accept the impossible Deity and the feeble [[Christ]], which historical [[Christianity]] has endorsed. A Christ Who is present and living, Who is known to those who follow Him, Who is a strong and able executive, and not a sweet and sentimental sufferer, Who has never left us but Who has worked for two thousand years through the medium of His disciples, the inspired men and women of all faiths, all religions, and all religious persuasions; Who has no use for fanaticism or hysterical devotion, but Who loves all men persistently, intelligently and optimistically, Who sees divinity in them all, and Who comprehends the techniques of the evolutionary development of the human consciousness (mental, emotional and physical, producing civilisations and cultures appropriate to a particular point in evolution) – these ideas the intelligent public can and will accept.
** The Tibetan Master, [[w:Djwhal Khul|Djwhal Khul]], in  [[Alice_Bailey#The_Externalization_of_the_Hierarchy_(1957)|''The Externalization of the Hierarchy'']], p. 589/90, (1957) 

* Yes, religion and politics do mix. America is a nation based on biblical principles. Christian values dominate our government. The test of those values is the Bible. Politicians who do not use the bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office.
** [[w:Beverly LaHaye|Beverly LaHaye]] quoted in ''Watch the Right: The Amazing Rise of Beverly LaHaye'' by Connie Page ''Ms.'' magazine, (February 1987).

* What is now called Christianity was undoubtedly a magnificent conception as [[Maitreya|He]] originally taught it, sadly as it has fallen away from that high level in the hands of ignorant exponents since. It must not be assumed, of course, that the teaching of brotherly and neighbourly love was new in the world. As [[St. Augustine]] said in His book ''De Civitate Dei'', &lt;BR&gt;''The identical thing that we now call the Christian religion existed among the ancients, and has not been lacking from the beginnings of the human race until the coming of Christ in the flesh, from which moment on the true religion, which already existed, began to be called Christian...''&lt;BR&gt; What is now called Christianity was undoubtedly a magnificent conception as He originally taught it, sadly as it has fallen away from that high level in the hands of ignorant exponents since.  
** [[C.W. Leadbeater]], [[The Masters and the Path|''The Masters and the Path'']] (1925)  p. 298

* Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first — rock and roll or Christianity.
** [[John Lennon]], as quoted in ''The Evening Standard'' (London, 4 March 1966).
** After a controversy arose surrounding this remark, Lennon stated it had been taken out of context.

* My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* '''We are told that Christ was killed for us, that His death has washed out our sins, and that by dying He has disabled death itself. That is the formula. That is Christianity. That is what has to be believed.'''
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic—on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg—or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
** [[C.S. Lewis]] ''The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses'' (New York: HarperCollins, 1976) p. 140.

* Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.
** [[C.S. Lewis]] ''God in the Dock'' (1994) p. 101.

* The disciple Jesus of 2,000 years ago has by now become one of the most senior Masters in the Hierarchy: the Master Jesus... No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment... He will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings...With the emergence of Maitreya, the Master Jesus is playing a major role for the second time, as also are the Apostles Peter and John.... open collaboration, which will be visible to all, will end any lingering doubts concerning the true relationship between Maitreya the Christ and his disciple, the Master Jesus.
** [https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in ''Maitreya the Christ'',] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953).

* No egoism is so insufferable as that of the Christian with regard to his soul.
** [[William Somerset Maugham]], ''A Writer's Notebook'' (1949), entry for 1901.

* Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between Communistic Atheism and Christianity.
** [[Joseph McCarthy]] speech at Wheeling, West Virginia (9 February 1950).

* The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians. They really do not believe in it and hence are hypocrites. All of them pant for money and hope to collar it by changing the rules. This fundamental false pretense colors their whole propaganda. They have no more sense of honor than so many congressmen and engage constantly in wholesale lying.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''Mr. Mencken Sounds Off,'' in ''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]],'' August 5, 1946, p. 51

* All the branches of Christianity suffer by the fact that they seem to be unable to take in the greatest contribution of the modern world to ethical theory, to wit, the concept of a moral obligation to be intelligent.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''The Gist of Mencken'' (1990), p. 295.

* I am going to tell you something, Pedro, which may surprise you, though you are also a cardinal, and being a cardinal myself. I have spent all my life here in the [[w:Roman Curia|Roman Curia]] and I believe I have the authority to tell you this. Having spent twenty-two years at the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]], and been [[w:Cardinal Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] during an entire pontificate, I have reached the following conclusion. There are two elements to the Church, the divine and the human. As for the divine aspect, I have tried to do what little I could; I would give my life for it a thousand times over. But as for its human side, my dear Pedro, how miserable it is. Nevertheless, we must carry on if that is God's will.
** Cardinal [[w:Rafael Merry del Val|Rafael Merry del Val]], a few days before his death in 1930, to Cardinal [[w:Pedro Segura y Sáenz|Pedro Segura y Sáenz]], quoted in Leopoldo Duran, ''Graham Greene: Friend and Brother'' (1994), p. 103.

* I have known many Christians—Poles, Frenchman, Spaniards—who were strict Stalinists in the field of politics but who retained certain inner reservations, believing God would make corrections once the bloody sentences of the all-mighties of History were carried out. They pushed their reasoning rather far. They argue that history develops according to immutable laws that exist by the will of God; one of these laws is the class struggle; the twentieth century marks the victory of the proletariat, which is led in its struggle by the Communist Party; Stalin, the leader of the Communist Party, fulfils the law of history or in other words acts by the will of God, therefore one must obey him. Mankind can be renewed only on the Russian pattern; that is why no Christian can oppose the one—cruel, it is true—idea which will create a new kind of man over the entire planet. Such reasoning is often used by clerics who are party tools. &quot;Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!&quot; said [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], the [[w:Romania|Rumanian]] patriarch.
** [[Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953).

* Examine the history of Christianity. Professing the salvation of humankind, Christianity has expanded through a tumultuous history of two thousand years, extending its influence throughout the world in the present era. Yet what has become of the Christian spirit that once cast flames of life so brilliant that, despite the most brutal persecution by the Roman empire, Roman citizens were brought to their knees before the crucified Jesus? Medieval feudal society buried Christianity alive. Even though the Reformation raised high the torch of new life, its flame could not turn back the sweeping tide of darkness. When ecclesiastic love waned, when waves of capitalistic greed surged across Christian Europe, when starving masses cried out bitterly in the slums, the promise of their salvation came not from heaven but from the earth. Its name was communism. Christianity, though it professed the love of God, had degenerated into a dead body of clergy trailing empty slogans. It was then only natural that a banner of rebellion would be raised, arguing that a merciless God who would allow such suffering could not exist. Hence, modern [[materialism]] was born. Western society became a hotbed of materialism; it was the fertile soil in which communism flourished. Christianity lost the ability to equal the successes of either communism or materialism and failed to present the truth that could conquer their theories. Christians watched helplessly as these ideologies budded and thrived in their midst and expanded their influence all over the world. What a pity this is! What is more, although Christian doctrine teaches that all humanity descended from the same parents, many citizens of Christian nations who profess this doctrine will not even sit together with their brothers and sisters of different skin colors. This illustrates the actual situation of today's Christianity, which has lost much of the power to put the words of Jesus into practice. It has become a house of lifeless rituals, a whitewashed tomb.
**[[Sun Myung Moon]], ''[[Divine Principle]]'', 1974.

* ''Some fools in the desert&lt;br/&gt; With nothing else to do&lt;br/&gt; So scared of the dark&lt;br/&gt; They didn't know if they were coming or goin&lt;br/&gt; So they invented me&lt;br/&gt; And they invented You&lt;br/&gt; And other fools keep it all going&lt;br/&gt; And growing&lt;br/&gt;''
** ''[http://www.randynewman.com/tocdiscography/disc_faust/lyricsfaust/ Glory Train]'' (sung by God), in ''Faust'' ([[1996]]). [[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church's public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship, just as they were in ancient Israel.
** [[Gary North (economist)|Gary North]] ''Political Polytheism'' (1989).

* As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents.
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]'', Ch. 11.

* But Christian  parents  must  also understand that they are not  only to propagate and preserve the human race on earth, indeed not only to educate any kind of worshipers of the true God, but children  who  are to become members of the Church of Christ, to raise up fellow-citizens of the Saints,  and members of God's household, that  the worshipers of God and Our Savior  may daily increase. &lt;br&gt; For although Christian spouses even if sanctified themselves cannot transmit sanctification to their progeny, nay, although the very natural process of generating life has become the way of death by which original sin is passed on to posterity, nevertheless, they share to some extent in the blessings of that primeval marriage of Paradise, since  it  is  theirs  to offer their offspring to the Church in order that  by  this most fruitful Mother of the children of God they may be regenerated through the laver of Baptism unto supernatural justice and finally  be made living members of Christ, partakers of immortal life, and heirs of that eternal glory to which we all aspire from our inmost heart.
** [[Pope Pius XI]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20070328092812/http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii &quot;Casti Connubii: Encyclical of Pope Pius XI on Christian Marriage, December 31, 1930&quot;], ''The Vatican'',  “II. BLESSINGS AND BENEFITS OF MATRIMONY”, n.4-5 Archived from [http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii the original] on March 28, 2007. Retrieved 2006-10-01.

* Christianity really says only one thing: that the infinite incomprehensibility which we call God exists, that we submit to it unconditionally as our own perfection, and that the acceptance of this submission has received a historical and unconditional guarantee in Jesus.
** [[Karl Rahner]] and [[w:de:Karl-Heinz Weger|Karl-Heinz Weger]], ''Our Christian Faith'', translated by Francis McDonagh (London: Burns &amp; Oates, 1980), p. 14. 

* The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be appreciated as stupendous achievements of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] experience has taught me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the legend of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 167-168.

* You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense! I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.
** [[Pat Robertson]] ''The 700 Club'' (14 January 1991).

* Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.&quot;
** [[Pat Robertson]] interview with [[Molly Ivins]], ''Fort Worth Star-Telegram'', September 14, 1993.

* By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27)
** [[Helena Roerich]]  ''Letters II,'' (2 April 1936)

* I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]] ''Why I Am Not a Christian'' (6 March 1927).

* The Spaniards in Mexico and Peru used to baptize Indian infants and then immediately dash their brains out: by this means they secured these infants went to Heaven.
** [[Bertrand Russell]] ''Why I Am Not a Christian'' (6 March 1927).

* So far as I can remember, there's not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;.

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. I must say that I think all this doctrine, that hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty. It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put Buddha and Socrates above Him in those respects.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* That is the idea—that we should all be wicked if we did not hold to the Christian religion. It seems to me that the people who have held to it have been for the most part extremely wicked. You find this curious fact, that the more intense has been the religion of any period and the more profound has been the dogmatic belief, the greater has been the cruelty and the worse has been the state of affairs. In the so-called Ages of faith, when men really did believe the Christian religion in all its completeness, there was the Inquisition, with all its tortures; there were millions of unfortunate women burned as witches; and there was every kind of cruelty practiced upon all sorts of people in the name of religion. &lt;br/&gt; You find as you look around the world that every single bit of progress of humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the diminution of war, every step toward better treatment of the colored races, or ever mitigation of slavery, every moral progress that there has been in the world, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world. I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world. … &lt;br/&gt; You may think that I am going too far when I say that that is still so, I do not think that I am. Take one fact. You will bear with me if I mention it. It is not a pleasant fact, but the churches compel one to mention facts that are not pleasant. Supposing that in this world that we live in today an inexperienced girl is married to a syphilitic man, in that case the Catholic Church says, &quot;This is an indissoluble sacrament. You must stay together for life,&quot; and no steps of any sort must be taken by that woman to prevent herself from giving birth to syphilitic children. This is what the Catholic church says. I say that that is fiendish cruelty, and nobody whose natural sympathies have not been warped by dogma, or whose moral nature was not absolutely dead to all sense of suffering, could maintain that it is right and proper that that state of things should continue. &lt;br/&gt; That is only an example. There are a great many ways in which at the present moment the church, by its insistence upon what it chooses to call morality, inflicts upon all sorts of people undeserved and unnecessary suffering.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. Fear is the basis of the whole thing—fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand-in-hand. It is because fear is at the basis of those two things. In this world we can now begin a little to understand things, and a little to master them by the help of science, which has forced its way step by step against the Christian religion, against the churches, and against the opposition of all the old precepts. Science can help us to get over this craven fear in which mankind has lived for so many generations.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* The whole conception of a God is a conception derived from the ancient oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men. When you hear people in church debasing themselves and saying that they are miserable sinners, and all the rest of it, it seems contemptible and not worthy of self-respecting human beings. We ought to stand up and look the world frankly in the face. We ought to make the best we can of the world, and if it is not so good as we wish, after all it will still be better than what these others have made of it in all these ages. A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* Christianity offers reasons for not fearing death or the universe, and in so doing it fails to teach adequately the virtue of courage. The craving for religious faith being largely an outcome of fear, the advocates of faith tend to think that certain kinds of fear are not to be deprecated. In this, to my mind, they are gravely mistaken. To allow oneself to entertain pleasant beliefs as a means of avoiding fear is not to live in the best way. In so far as religion makes its appeal to fear, it is lowering to human dignity.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Education and the Social Order'' (1932), p. 112.

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind.

* The true Christian is in all countries a pilgrim and a stranger.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Winds of Doctrine'' (1913).

* Atheistic secular humanists should be removed from office and Christians should be elected... Government and true Christianity are inseparable.
** [[Robert Simonds]], ''How to Elect Christians to Public Office'' (1996).

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning [[Jesus]], we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;.

* If the resurrection of Jesus cannot be believed except by assenting to the fantastic descriptions included in the Gospels, then Christianity is doomed. For that view of resurrection is not believable, and if that is all there is, then Christianity, which depends upon the truth and authenticity of Jesus' resurrection, also is not believable.
** Bishop [[w:John Shelby Spong|John Shelby Spong]], ''Resurrection: Myth or Reality?'' (San Fransisco: HarperCollins, 1994), p. 238.

* '''Going to church on Sunday does not make you a Christian any more than going into a garage makes you an automobile!'''
** [[Billy Sunday]] in ''Press, Radio, Television, Periodicals, Public Relations, and Advertising, As Seen through Institutes and Special Occasions of the Henry W. Grady School of Journalism'' (1967) edited by John Eldridge Drewry.

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title =  Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''Poetry is religion, religion is poetry. The message of the New Testament is poetry.''' [[Jesus|Christ]] was a poet, the New Testament is metaphor, the Resurrection is a metaphor; and I feel perfectly within my rights in approaching my whole vocation as priest and preacher as one who is to present poetry; and when I preach poetry I am preaching Christianity, and when one discusses Christianity one is discussing poetry in its imaginative aspects. … My work as a poet has to deal with the presentation of imaginative truth.
** [[R. S. Thomas]], in &quot;R. S. Thomas : Priest and Poet&quot; (BBC TV, 2 April 1972).

* The bishops play the hero and say they are ready to fight, even if it costs them their lives. The fight against whom? Against the people's government, of course, against our new democratic Yugoslavia … But how is it that the bishops did not issue this kind of pastoral letter, to be read in all the churches, in the days of [[wikipedia:Ante Pavelic|Pavelic]] and the Germans, against those terrible massacres of Serbs in Croatia in which hundreds of thousands of women, children and menfolk lost their lives?
** Marshal [[Tito]], as quoted in Jasper Ridley, ''Tito: A Biography'' (Constable and Company Ltd., 1994), p. 278.

* We must put an end once and for all to the Papist-Quaker babble about the sanctity of human life.
** [[Leon Trotsky]], ''The Russian Revolution'' (1930), quoted in [[w:Orlando Figes|Orlando Figes]], ''A People's Tragedy: The Russian Revolution 1891–1924'' (1996), p. 641.

* All Christians must be fittingly made aware of their call to holiness. The invitation to follow Christ addressed, in fact, to each and every member of the faithful, must tend towards the fullness of the Christian life and to the perfection of charity in each one's own state.
** Alfonso Card. López Trujillo, Francisco Gil Hellín; “PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE FAMILY”, “VADEMECUM FOR THE USE OF CONFESSORS” “Holiness in Marriage’’, [https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html &quot;Vademecum for confessors concerning some aspects of the morality of the conjugal life&quot;]. www.vatican.va; Vatican City, February 12, 1997.

* On the path to holiness, a Christian experiences both human weakness and the benevolence and mercy of the Lord. Therefore, the keystone of the exercise of Christian virtues—and thus also of conjugal chastity—rests on faith which makes us aware of God's mercy, and on repentance which humbly receives divine forgiveness.
** Alfonso Card. López Trujillo, Francisco Gil Hellín;  “PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE FAMILY”, “VADEMECUM FOR THE USE OF CONFESSORS” “Holiness in Marriage’’, [https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html &quot;Vademecum for confessors concerning some aspects of the morality of the conjugal life&quot;]. www.vatican.va; Vatican City, February 12, 1997.

* We began to stir against slavery. Hearts grew soft, here, there, and yonder. There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one—the pulpit. It yielded at last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession—at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery text remained; the practice changed, that was all.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=sujuHO_fvJgC&amp;pg=PA568&amp;dq=twain+%22Bible+Teaching+and+Religious+Practice%22&amp;cd=1#v=onepage&amp;q=twain%20%22Bible%20Teaching%20and%20Religious%20Practice%22&amp;f=false Bible Teaching and Religious Practice]'' (1923).

* During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. the Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch—the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. … There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but the text remains. More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=sujuHO_fvJgC&amp;pg=PA568&amp;dq=twain+%22Bible+Teaching+and+Religious+Practice%22&amp;cd=1#v=onepage&amp;q=twain%20%22Bible%20Teaching%20and%20Religious%20Practice%22&amp;f=false Bible Teaching and Religious Practice]'' (1923).

* Christianity, in spite of its fundamental originality, was not something essentially new, quite the reverse, but the lawful heir to all the good that had been destroyed by the [[Roman Empire]] and for which men had retained an intense longing.
** [[Simone Weil]], ''The Notebooks of Simone Weil'', p. 351

* The [Supreme] Court, by seeking to ''equate'' Christianity with other religions, merely assaults the ''one'' faith. The Court in essence is assailing the true God by democratizing the Christian religion.
** [[John Whitehead]] ''The Separation Illusion: A Lawyer Examines the First Amendmant'' (Mott Media 1977).

* All the western theologies are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent.
** [[Tennessee Williams]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 115-116.&lt;/small&gt;

* Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.
** Acts, XXVI. 28.

* Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded.&lt;br&gt;That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'' (1818-24), Canto I, Stanza 83.

* His Christianity was muscular.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], ''Endymion'' (1880), Chapter XIV.

* A Christian is God Almighty's gentleman.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Look in, and see Christ's chosen saint&lt;br&gt;  In triumph wear his Christ-like chain;&lt;br&gt;No fear lest he should swerve or faint;&lt;br&gt;  &quot;His life is Christ, his death is gain.&quot;
** [[John Keble]], ''Christian Year'', Stanza: Luke. The Evangelist.

* Now it is not good for the Christian's health&lt;br&gt;  To hustle the Aryan brown,&lt;br&gt;For the Christian riles and the Aryan smiles, and it weareth the Christian down.&lt;br&gt;And the end of the fight is a tombstone white&lt;br&gt;  With the name of the late deceased—&lt;br&gt;And the epitaph drear: &quot;A fool lies here&lt;br&gt;  Who tried to hustle the East.&quot;
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Naulahka''; heading of Ch. V.

* What was invented two thousand years ago was the spirit of Christianity.
** [[Gerald Stanley Lee]], ''Crowds'' (1913), Book II, Chapter XVIII.

* Servant of God, well done, well hast thou fought&lt;br&gt;The better fight.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 29.

* Persons of mean understandings, not so inquisitive, nor so well instructed, are made good Christians, and by reverence and obedience, implicity believe, and abide by their belief.
** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', ''Of Vain Subleties''.

* Yes,—rather plunge me back in pagan night,&lt;br&gt;And take my chance with Socrates for bliss,&lt;br&gt;Than be the Christian of a faith like this,&lt;br&gt;Which builds on heavenly cant its earthly sway,&lt;br&gt;And in a convert mourns to lose a prey.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Intolerance'', line 68.

* ''Tolle crucem, qui vis auferre coronam.''
** Take up the cross if thou the crown would'st gain.
** St. Paulinus, Bishop of Nola.

* Yet still a sad, good Christian at the heart.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essay'', Epistle II, line 68.

* You are Christians of the best edition, all picked and culled.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Works'', Book IV, Chapter L.

* Plant neighborhood and Christian-like accord&lt;br&gt;In their sweet bosoms.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry V (play)|Henry V]]'' (c. 1599), Act V, scene 2, line 381.

* O father Abram, what these Christians are,&lt;br&gt;Whose own hard dealings teaches them suspect&lt;br&gt;The thoughts of others.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 162.

* The Hebrew will turn Christian: he grows kind.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 179.

* My daughter! O, my ducats! O, my daughter!&lt;br&gt;Fled with a Christian! O my Christian ducats.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 8, line 15.

* If thou keep promise, I shall end this strife,&lt;br&gt;Become a Christian and thy loving wife.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 3, line 20.

* This making of Christians will raise the price of hogs: if we grow all to be pork-eaters, we shall not shortly have a rasher on the coals for money.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 5, line 24.

* For in converting Jews to Christians, you raise the price of pork.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 5, line 38.

* It is spoke as Christians ought to speak.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merry Wives of Windsor]]'' (c. 1597; published 1602), Act I, scene 1, line 103.

* A virtuous and a Christian-like conclusion,&lt;br&gt;To pray for them that have done scathe to us.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act I, scene 3, line 316.

* Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act I, scene 3, line 88.

* I thank the goodness and the grace&lt;br&gt;Which on my birth have smiled,&lt;br&gt;And made me, in these Christian days&lt;br&gt;A happy Christian child.
** [[Jane Taylor]], ''Child's Hymn of Praise''.

* ''Vide, inquiunt ut invicem se diligant.''
** See how these Christians love one another.
** [[Tertullian]], ''Apologeticus'', Chapter XXIX. Claimed also for Julian the Apostate.

* Lord, I ascribe it to Thy grace,&lt;br&gt;  And not to chance, as others do,&lt;br&gt;That I was born of Christian race.
** [[Isaac Watts]], ''Divine Songs for Children'' ([[Jane Taylor]]'s lines are popularly ascribed to Watts).

* Whatever makes men good Christians, makes them good citizens.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech at Plymouth (December 22, 1820), Volume I, p. 44.

* A Christian is the highest style of man.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 788.

===''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 27-29.&lt;/small&gt;

* The Christian religion is from heaven. The gates of hell shall not prevail against it, and its professors are not afraid of its being examined. It has stood for eighteen hundred years, and it will stand long.
** Best, J., ''Trial of Mary Ann Carlile'' (1821), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 408.

* The Court has no fears for the safety of the Christian religion. It does not believe that the rock upon which Christianity stands can ever be shaken.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''Trial of Mary Ann Carlile'' (1821), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 1050.

* The Christian religion is part of the law of the land.
** Kenyon, L.C.J., ''William's Case'' (1797), 26 How. St. Tr. 704.

* I will not suffer the Christian religion to be reviled, while I sit in this Court, and possess the power of preventing it.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Baton's Case'' (1812), 31 How. St. Tr. 939.

* The preservation of Christianity as a national religion, is, abstracted from its own intrinsic truth, of the utmost consequence to the civil state.
** Sir William Blackstone (1765), Com, Book 4 Ch. iv., p. 35.

* It is certain that the Christian religion is part of the law of the land.
** Patteson, J., ''Rex v. Hetherington'' (1841), 5 Jur. (0. S.) 530.

* We have no law practised in this land but is the law of God; and so did the lawyers maintain it before the King in Henry the 8th's time, the pope's legates, and chief archbishops and bishops of England; and did then prove it to them, that there was no law practised in England but the law of God, which our ministers are loth to touch, and busy themselves to study.
** Keble, L.P., ''Christopher Love's Case'' (1651), 5 How. St. Tr. 238.

* Christianity came in here by external spiritual force, and discipline, was introduced as a custom, and is part of the law.
** Hale, C.J., Taylor's Case (1675), 1 Vent. 293; 3 Keb. 607, 621; see also Rex v. Woolston, Fitz. 64 ; 2 Str. Rep. 834.

* I apprehend that it is the duty of every Judge presiding in an English Court of justice, when he is told that there is no difference between worshipping the Supreme Being in chapel, church, or synagogue to recollect that Christianity is part of the law of England.
** Lord Hardwicke, L.C., In re Masters, &amp;c. of the Bedford Charity (1819), 2 Swanston's Rep. 527; per Kelly, C.B., Cowan v. Milbourn (1867), 15 W. R. 751. See also Att.-Gen. v. Pearson, 3 Mer. Rep. 353.

* The second ground of the law of England is the law of God.
** Hyde, J., Manby v. Scott (1663), 1 Mod. Rep. 126.

* It is no longer true in the sense in which it was true when these ''dicta'' were uttered, that &quot;Christianity is part of the law of the land.&quot; Nonconformists and Jews were then under penal laws, and were hardly allowed civil rights. But now, so far as I know the law, a Jew might be Lord Chancellor. Certainly he might be Master of the Rolls, and the great Judge whose loss we have all had to deplore2 might have had to try such a case, and if the view of the law supposed be correct, he would have had to tell the jury, perhaps partly composed of Jews, that it was blasphemy to deny that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, which he himself did deny, and which Parliament has allowed him to deny, and which it was part of &quot; the law of the land &quot; that he might, deny.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], L.C.J., ''Reg. v. Ramsay and Foote'' (1883), 15 Cox, C. C. 235.

* The duty of relieving his fellow creature in distress is imposed on the Christian irrespective of religious doctrines and tenets, and notwithstanding that the object of charity may worship God in an erroneous manner, but in that which he believes to be most acceptable to his Creator.
** Sir [[John Romilly, 1st Baron Romilly|John Romilly]], M.R., ''Att.-Gen. v. Calvert'' (1857), 23 Beav. 258.

* There is no act which Christianity forbids, that the law will not reach : if it were otherwise, Christianity would not be, as it has always been held to be, part of the law of England.
** Best, C.J., ''Bird v. Holbrook'' (1828), 4 Bing. 641.

* What would happen if everyone did it? If everyone gave their wealth away what would we do for capital? If everyone loved their enemies who would ward off the Communists? This argument could be met on other levels, but here our only point is to observe that such reasoning would have been preposterous in the early church and remains ludicrous whenever committed Christians accept realistically their minority status. Far more fitting than &quot;What if everybody did it&quot; would be its inverse, &quot;What if nobody else acted like a Christian, but we did?&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Priestly Kingdom'' (1984), p. 139.

==The twenty-first century==
* One of the things we [the Chinese Academy] were asked to look into was what accounted for the success, in fact the pre-eminence, of the West all over the world. We studied everything we could from the historical, political, economic, and cultural perspective. At first, we thought it was because you had more powerful guns than we had. Then we thought it was because you had the best political system. Next we focused on your economic system. But in the past 20 years we have realized that the heart of your culture is your religion: Christianity. That is why the West has been so powerful. The Christian moral foundation of social and cultural life was what made possible the emergence of capitalism and then the successful transition to democratic politics. We don't have any doubt about this.
** Quoted in [[w:David Aikman|David Aikman]], ''Jesus in Beijing: How Christianity is Transforming China and Changing the Global Balance of Power'' (2003), p. 5. The Chinese Academy of Social Sciences of the People's Republic of China published its conclusions in 2002.

* A thread of hatred runs through the New Testament. It is inaccurate to call the Christian scriptures anti-Semitic, as the authors were themselves Jewish, but many of them had become disenchanted with Jewish religion.
** [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007), ''The Bible: A Biography'', p. 76.

* [I]t comes as little surprise that when we look at [[Japanese]] [[anime]], we are bombarded by innumerably different presentations of [[gender]] and [[sex]], including those having to do with major Christian figures, such as [[angels]], [[demons]], [[priests]], [[w:Cardinal (Catholic Church)|cardinals]], [[w:Nun|nuns]] and [[w:Pope|popes]]. For instance, in ''[[w:Earthian|Earthian]]'', the two protagonist angels, Chahiya and Kagetsuya, are not only partners in evaluating humanity, but are also shown to be gay lovers since both are in male form when they have sex. Or again, in ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]'', the head of the [[Roman Catholic Church|Catholic church]] is a ''[[w:Bishonen|bishonen]]'' (&quot;beautiful boy&quot;) pope, who is flanked by a female cardinal. &lt;br&gt; Most of these encodings don't reflect [[orthodox]] Christianity, which as traditionally claimed that while sex belong to the body, gender belongs to the [[soul]] or [[spirit]], and because the higher affects the lower, the soul or spirit determines the [[sex]] of the [[body]]. As a result, when orthodox Christians call God &quot;He' and not 'She,' they mean to say that God is ''essentially'' masculine, even though He, of course, has feminine attributes. Or again, female bodies point toward feminine souls and male bodies point toward masculine souls, and even though females should have some masculine attributes and males should have some feminine ones, neither sex should engage in any activity, such as cross-dressing or homosexual love, that would confuse or blur the essential differences between men and women.
** Adam Barkman, [https://books.google.com/books?id=5x2xu6veHDoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Anime and Philosophy: Wide Eyed Wonder”] edited by Josef Steiff, Tristan D. Tamplin (2010) ,  ch.8, ''Did Santa Die on the Cross?'', &quot;Gay Angels, Female Cardinals, and Bishonen Popes&quot;.

* Moreover, while [[angels]] and [[demons]] don't have [[bodies]] as we [[understand]] them and hence are sexless, it doesn't follow that they don't have genders since [[gender]] belongs to the [[soul]] or [[spirit]]. It's based on a [[theory]] of gender such as this, coupled with the [[belief]] that [[God]] made all things to function in certain ways, that most [[orthodox]] [[Christians]] have held [[beliefs]] such as the masculinity of [[God]] (John 3:35), [[male]] headship in [[marriage]] (Ephesians 5:32), the unnaturalness of [[homosexuality]] (1 Corinthians 6:9), the lack of [[sexual]] [[marriage]] of [[Heaven]] (Matthew 22:30), the importance of [[gender]] for [[w:Church office|church office]] (1 Timothy 2:12), and condemnation of cross-dressing and the like (Deuteronomy 22:5). As a result, orthodox Christianity would take issue with ''[[w:Earthian|Earthia]]n's'' [[gay]] [[angels]] and ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]''s [[female]] [[w:Cardinal (Catholic Church)|cardinal]], and would see potential danger in anime's general tendency to over-feminize [[men]], for instance, masculine, [[spiritual]] [[authority]] is poorly represented by ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]''s bishonen pope.
** Adam Barkman, [https://books.google.com/books?id=5x2xu6veHDoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Anime and Philosophy: Wide Eyed Wonder”] edited by Josef Steiff, Tristan D. Tamplin (2010) ,  ch.8, ''Did Santa Die on the Cross?'', &quot;Gay Angels, Female Cardinals, and Bishonen Popes&quot;.

* Christianity has both spurred and retarded the sciences and social sciences. Indeed, most of the modern debates of profound significance were originally dialogues with or within Christianity.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of Christianity'' (2011).

* Christians were pouring out “great tides of population, creating a great civilization, and great and powerful nations,” while the [[Muslims]] were “falling away into a feeble, half-depopulated, always decaying state, that [[w:Augur|augurs]] final extinction at no distant period.” A similar picture appeared if one compared “the populating forces of the [[Puritan]] stock” with “the inferior superstitions, half-Christian stock and nurture of the [[South American]] states.” There were other signs of [[God]]’s grace. [[w:Protestantism in America|Protestant American]] Christians enjoyed a stronger “tide of health.” Wealth grew more rapidly “under the condition of Christian living.” More talent could be found in “a Christian people.” God gave these advantages to Christians so that “salvation will become an imbred life and populating force, mighty enough to overlive, and finally to completely people the world.” The whole Gospel plan rested on a Church which has “within itself a stronger law of population, as well as a mighty power to win over and assimilate the nations.” Christians “have more truth, beauty, weight of character to exalt their predominance.” Most importantly, “’’God is in them’’ by his all-informing, all-energizing Spirit ‘’to be Himself unfolded in their history,’’ and thereby “over-people… eternity itself.” 
** Allan Carlson, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Godly_Seed/bS0rDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “Godly Seed: American Evangelicals Confront Birth Control, 1873-1973”], (2012), p.58

* The existing and long-standing use of the word 'evolution' in our state's textbooks has not adversely affected Georgians' belief in the omnipotence of God as creator of the universe, There can be no incompatibility between Christian faith and proven facts concerning geology, biology, and astronomy. There is no need to teach that stars can fall out of the sky and land on a flat Earth in order to defend our religious faith.
** President [[Jimmy Carter]], ([http://edition.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/01/30/georgia.evolution/ January 30, 2004]).

* Don’t fucking question my Christianity you fucking idiot assholes. If you continue to have a problem, then talk to God about it, not me, you fucking racist homophobic misogynist fake Christian shitheads. God thinks it is funny that I swear so much. He said I could use his name in vain or whatever. He just wants me to use it. He loves me. So fuck you. And I guess he loves you too. Even though you are fake Christian assholes. If you were truly Christians, you would let gays get married, and send them fucking presents from Bed Bath and Beyond!
** [[Margaret Cho]] [http://margaretcho.com/2008/09/17/im-a-christian-you-fuckers/ &quot;I'm a Christian you Fuckers&quot;], 09/17/2008, Margaretcho.com

* Because if this is gonna be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to ''pretend'' that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition — and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], [http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/368914/december-16-2010/jesus-is-a-liberal-democrat ''The Colbert Report''] (December 16, 2010)
** In response to [[Bill O'Reilly]] writing, in &quot;[http://www.billoreilly.com/column;jsessionid=47EBD06AF914FD6B2945149104DA563F?pid=30748 Keep Christ in Unemployment]&quot;, &quot;For them, the baby Jesus wants us to &quot;provide,&quot; no matter what the circumstance. But being a Christian, I know that while Jesus promoted charity at the highest level, he was not self-destructive&quot;.

* Obviously a personal acknowledgement of Jesus as Lord affects at least the consciousness of the individual and his thematic reflection on his consciousness, but the Christian and the explicitly non-Christian can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and can and do share the same ethical attitudes, dispositions and goals. Thus, explicit Christians do not have a monopoly on such proximate ethical attitudes, goals and dispositions as self-sacrificing love, freedom hope, concern for the neighbor in need or even the realization that one finds his life only  in losing it. The explicitly Christian consciousness does affect the judgment of the Christian and the way in which he makes his ethical judgments but non-Christians can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and also embrace and treasure even the loftiest of approximate motives, virtues, and goals which Christians in the past have wrongly claimed only for themselves. This is the precise sense in which I deny the existence of a distinctively Christian ethic; namely, no-Christians can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and prize the same proximate dispositions, goals and attitudes as Christians.
** Charles Curran as qtd. in Engelhardt, Hugo Tristram (2000). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Foundations_of_Christian_Bioethics/BMAtHATrlq4C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “The Foundations of Christian Bioethics”]. Taylor &amp; Francis. pp. 275–281, 305. ISBN 9789026515576. p.15

* I have a hard time thinking anyone who sees the world in terms of skin color, instead of souls to be saved, is really meaningfully a Christian.
** Erick Erickson, [http://www.redstate.com/erick/2015/07/29/cuckservative-is-a-racist-slur-and-an-attack-on-evangelical-christians/ &quot;'Cuckservative' is a Racist Slur and an Attack on Evangelical Christians&quot;] (29 July 2015), ''Red State''.

* His message of peace and reconciliation under almost all circumstances is simply incompatible with Christian teachings as I interpret them. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus fought and died for. What we need to do is take the battle to the Muslim heathens and do unto them before they do unto us.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], on [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] in a radio interview on ([[4 March]] [[2002]]).

* You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President — chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], [http://cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0410/24/le.01.html CNN Debate] with [[Jesse Jackson]] (24 October 2004).

* Since Jesus came to the earth the first time 2,000 years ago as a Jewish male, many evangelicals believe the Antichrist will, by necessity, be a Jewish male. This belief is 2,000 years old and has no anti-Semitic roots. This is simply historic and prophetic orthodox Christian doctrine that many theologians, Christian and non-Christian, have understood for two millennia.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], quoted in &quot;Religion, Politics a Potent Mix for Jerry Falwell&quot; by Steve Inskeep in ''Morning Edition'' on NPR (30 June 2006).

*…Christians and non-Christians face the same moral questions, and … both must see their solution in genuinely human reflection and according to the same norms; eg., whether adultery and premarital intercourse are morally right or can be so, whether the wealthy nation of the world must help the poor nations and to what extent, whether birth control is justified an should be provided, an what types of birth control are worthy of the dignity of the human person. Such questions are questions for all of humanity. If, therefore, our church and other human communities do not always reach the same conclusions, this is not due to the fact that there exists a different morality for Christians from that for non-Christians. 
** Joseph Fuchs, as qtd. in Engelhardt, Hugo Tristram (2000). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Foundations_of_Christian_Bioethics/BMAtHATrlq4C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “The Foundations of Christian Bioethics”]. Taylor &amp; Francis. pp. 275–281, 305. ISBN 9789026515576. pp.14-15

* Organized religion, he saw, back in the day, had been purely a signal-to-noise proposition, at once the medium and the message, a one-channel universe. For Europe, that channel was Christian, and broadcasting from Rome, but nothing could be broadcast faster than a man could travel on horseback. There was a hierarchy in place, and a highly organized methodology of top-down signal dissemination, but the time-lag enforced by tech-lack imposed a near-disastrous ratio, the [[w:Heresy in Christianity|noise of heresy]] constantly threatening to overwhelm the signal. 
** [[William Gibson]], ''[[Spook Country]]'', 2007.

* The [[w:Constantine the Great and Christianity|conversion]] of [[Constantine the Great|Constantine]] ... was the effective beginning of “[[Christendom]],” namely, of that particular form of the [[Christian]] religion that consists of a strong alliance of Christianity with political and social power, sometimes amounting to the practical identification of Christianity with the dominant forces of the society in which it finds itself.
* Christianity, with its strong emphasis on unity under one God (an emphasis that it shares with [[Islam]]), can seem an almost natural ally of [[empire]]—unless, of course, the prophetic-critical dimension of the biblical tradition, which the Jesus of the [[w:Synoptic Gospels|synoptics]] certainly represented, is allowed a hearing. But as the history of [[w:Christology|Christology]] in the West easily demonstrates, after the establishment of Christianity, the prophetic office of the Christ, based not only on Jesus’ teaching but (even more so) on his suffering at the hands of power, was definitely subdued in favor of his priestly and kingly offices. Triumphant peoples, successful peoples, possessing peoples—empires!—do not want crucified criminals as their chief cultic symbol, especially not when they themselves are the crucifiers ... as they regularly are!
** [[Douglas John Hall]], &quot;Where in the World Are We?&quot; (2006), [[w:Princeton University|Princeton]] [http://www.ptsem.edu/lectures/?action=tei&amp;id=youth-2006-01 Lectures on Youth, Church, and Culture].

* [[Mahavira]], the [[Jainism|Jain]] patriarch, surpassed the [[morality]] of the Bible with a single sentence. 'Do not injure, abuse, oppress, enslave, insult, torment, torture, or kill any creature or living being'. Imagine how different our world might be if the Bible contained this as its central precept.
** [[Sam Harris]], in ''Letter to a Christian Nation'' (2006), p. 23.

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209.

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011.

* Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of praises that, one has no choice but to assume, would be the innate virtues and splendors furnished him by ''his'' creator, infinite regression, drowned in praise!
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letter to a Young Contrarian'' (2001).

* Judaism has some advantages over Christianity in that, for example, it does not proselytise—except among Jews—and it does not make the cretinous mistake of saying that the Messiah has already made his appearance. … However, along with Islam and Christianity, it does insist that some turgid and contradictory and sometimes evil and mad texts, obviously written by fairly unexceptional humans, are in fact the word of god. I think that the indispensable condition of any intellectual liberty is the realisation that there is no such thing.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letter to a Young Contrarian'' (2001).

* The [Catholic] church, as far as I know, has not endorsed any war as just since it supported General Franco's invasion of Spain to destroy the Spanish republic with a Muslim mercenary army in the thirties, on the side of Hitler.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]] with [[Andrew Sullivan]] on [[w:Tim Russert|Tim Russert]] (25 September 2004).

* The god of [[Moses]] would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[w:God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything|God is not Great]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007).

* To live in a Western country is to live in a society still utterly saturated by Christian concepts and assumptions. This is no less true for Jews or Muslims than it is for Catholics or Protestants. Two thousand years on from the birth of Christ, it does not require a belief that he rose from the dead to be stamped by the formidable – indeed the inescapable – influence of Christianity.
** [[Tom Holland]], ''Dominion: The Making of the Western Mind'' (2019)

* What fascinated us about Carrie was that her religious mother could believe that Christ performed miracles, yet when her daughter demonstrates miraculous abilities, she deems that satanic.
** Damon Lindelof [http://www.ew.com/article/2006/11/24/stephen-king-meets-creators-lost Stephen King meets creators of Lost]

* Everywhere indigenous Christianities are emerging. The fastest growing segments of protestant Christianity are in the southern hemisphere, especially in Africa. In 1900, Christianity was primarily the religion of Europeans and their descendants. In 2000, only 45 percent of the world’s Christians are European or of European descent.
** Maguire, Daniel C. (3 April 2003). Sacred rights: the case for contraception and abortion in world religions. Oxford University Press. p. 84. ISBN 978-0-19-516001-7. Retrieved 3 January 2012.

* If abortion and gay marriage are part of the Christian agenda, I have no issue with that. Those are moral issues that should be of importance to people of the faith, but the agenda should be much, much broader.
I'm looking for the day when Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, James Dobson, Tony Perkins, James Kennedy, Rod Parsley, &quot; Patriot Pastors&quot; and Rick Warren will sit at the same table as Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Cynthia Hale, Eddie L. Long, James Meek, Fred Price, Emmanuel Cleaver and Floyd Flake to establish a call to arms on racism, AIDS, police brutality, a national health care policy, our sorry education system.
If they all say they love and worship one God, one Jesus, let's see them rally their members behind one agenda.
I stand here today not as a Republican or a liberal. And don't bother calling me a Democrat or a conservative. I am a man,­ an African-American man ­who has professed that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that's to whom I bow down.
** [[Roland Martin]], &lt;ref&gt; https://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/04/04/martin.jesus/index.html &lt;/ref&gt;

* All that is good about Christianity stems from Jesus, and all that is bad about it stems from Paul.
** Tom O'Golo, ''Christ? No! Jesus? Yes!'', p. 199 (2011).

* If [[Hindutva]] is [[Hinduism]] then the [[Ku Klux Klan]] is [[Christianity]]
** Anand Patwardhan, [https://scroll.in/article/1005159/anand-patwardhan-if-hindutva-is-hinduism-then-the-ku-klux-klan-is-christianity The filmmaker’s speech at the Dismantling Global Hindutva conference being held from September 10-September 12.]

* It was the bringing together of a warring multiplicity under the unifying doctrines of Christianity that civilized [[Europe]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 191

* I said last year that Israel was entering into the most dangerous periods of its entire existence as a nation. That is intensifying this year with the loss of Sharon. … I think we need to look at the Bible and the Book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.' God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'this is my land' and for any Prime Minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says 'no, this is mine.' I had a wonderful meeting with Yitzhak Rabin in 1974. He was tragically assassinated, it was a terrible thing that happened but nevertheless he was dead. And now Ariel Sharon who again was a very likeable person, a delightful person to be with, I prayed with him personally, but here he's at the point of death. He was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations, or the United States of America. God says 'this land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone.'
** [[Pat Robertson]], after [[w:Ariel Sharon|Ariel Sharon]]'s [http://rawstory.com/news/2005/Robertson_said_Sharon_being_punished_by_0105.html severe stroke] (2006).

* &quot;If you don't worship me you will burn forever.&quot; I always thought that was ugly.
** [[Gore Vidal]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Give us this day our daily bread. Oh sure.&lt;br&gt;Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Nobody better trespass against me.&lt;br&gt;I'll tell you that.&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the meek.&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the merciful.&lt;br&gt;You mean we can't use torture?&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the peacemakers.&lt;br&gt;Jane Fonda?&lt;br&gt;Love your enemies - Arabs?&lt;br&gt;Ye cannot serve God and Mammon.&lt;br&gt;The hell I can't! Look at the Reverend [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]].&lt;br&gt;And He is as happy as a pig in shit.
** [[Kurt Vonnegut]], on [[w:The Daily Show|The Daily Show]], 15 September 2005.

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named [[Adolf Hitler]], the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman [[Mao Zedong|Mao]], in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say &quot;[[Jesus]], we are yours&quot;? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video].

* The prevalence of evil and misery has always bothered those who believe in a benevolent and omnipotent God. Sometimes God is excused by pointing to the need for free will. [[John Milton|Milton]] gives God this argument in ''Paradise Lost'': &lt;blockquote&gt;I formed them free, and free they must remain&lt;br/&gt; Till they enthrall themselves: I else must change&lt;br/&gt; Their nature, and revoke the high decree&lt;br/&gt; Unchangeable, eternal, which ordained&lt;br/&gt; Their freedom; they themselves ordained their fall. &lt;/blockquote&gt; It seems a bit unfair to my relatives to be murdered in order to provide an opportunity for free will for the Germans, but even putting that aside, how does free will account for cancer? Is it an opportunity of free will for tumors?
** [[Steven Weinberg]], ''Facing Up: Science and Its Cultural Adversaries'' (2001), p.&amp;nbsp;240.

* I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
** [[George Carlin]], A Place for My Stuff (1981).

* If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.
** [[Jerry Falwell]] [http://www.religioustolerance.org/atheist1.htm].

* Christianity was an epidemic rather than a religion. It appealed to fear, hysteria and ignorance. It spread across the Western world, not because it was true, but because humans are gullible and superstitious.
** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''The Occult: A History '', p. 212.

* All dedicated Christians who work secularly should have Scriptural principles in mind. Making honest provision for ourselves means that we refuse to engage in practices that violate God’s law or the law of the land. (Rom. 13:1, 2; 1 Cor. 6:9, 10) We keep in mind the dangers of bad associations. As soldiers of Christ, we refrain from engaging in commercial endeavors that violate godly standards, compromise our Christian neutrality, or jeopardize our spirituality. (Isa. 2:4; 2 Tim. 2:4) And we do not have connections with God’s religious enemy, “Babylon the Great.”—Rev. 18:2, 4; 2 Cor. 6:14-17.
** Organized to Do Jehovah's Will. Watch Tower Society. 2015. p.138

==See also==
*[[Bible]]
*[[Church]]
*[[Christendom]]
*[[Early Christianity]]
*[[Christianity in the first century]]
*[[Jesus]]
*[[New Testament]]
*[[Sermon on the Mount]]
*[[Christianity and Islam]]

==External links==
{{Similarlinks}}
{{wikiversity|God and Enlightenment}}
{{wiktionary}}
{{World religions}}

[[Category:Christianity| ]]
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      <text bytes="314553" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|360px|right|''In the [[beginning]] was the [[Word]], and the Word was with God, and the Word was [[God]]. He was with God in the beginning. Through him [[all]] [[things]] were made; without him [[nothing]] was made that has been made. In him was [[life]], and that life was the light of all [[mankind]]. The [[light]] shines in the [[darkness]], and the darkness has not ovĥercome... The Word became [[flesh]] and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the [[glory]] of the one and only [[Christ|Son]], who came from [[w:God_the_Father#Christianity|the Father]], full of [[grace]] and [[truth]].'' (John 1:1-5; 1:14)]]
'''[[w:Christianity|Christianity]]''' is an [[Abraham|Abrahamic]] religion based on the life and teachings of [[Jesus of Nazareth]]; its adherents are known as ''Christians''.
==[[New Testament]]==
{{main|New Testament}}
* And if anyone hears My words and does not believe, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2012:47&amp;version=NKJV; 12:47]

* And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
** [[Jesus]] on [[usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
** [[w:James the Just|James]], [[Epistle of James|James]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%204;&amp;version=50; 4:4]

* “Blessed are the poor in spirit,&lt;br/&gt;for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are those who mourn,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be comforted.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the meek,&lt;br/&gt;for they will inherit the earth.&lt;br/&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be filled.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the merciful,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be shown mercy.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the pure in heart,&lt;br/&gt;for they will see God.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are the peacemakers,&lt;br/&gt;for they will be called children of God.&lt;br/&gt;Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,&lt;br/&gt;for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.&lt;br/&gt;“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], ([[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 5:3-12).

* Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
** [[Jesus]]; [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2011:28;&amp;version=31; 11:28]

*  Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2014:12-14&amp;version=NIV 14:12-14]

* And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

* For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=50&amp;chapter=3&amp;verse=16&amp;version=31; 3:16]

*  For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like those condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to human beings. We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored!
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Cor%204:9-10&amp;version=NIV 4:9-10]

* Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife.
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|1 Corinthians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:27;&amp;version=HCSB 7:27]

* For judgment I have come into this world, that those who do not see may see, and that those who see may be made blind.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%209:39&amp;version=NKJV 9:39]

* For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:39-40;&amp;version=NIV 9:39-40]

* &quot;Go!&quot; He told them. So when they had come out, they entered the pigs. And suddenly the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and perished in the water. Then the men who tended them fled. They went into the city and reported everything—especially what had happened to those who were demon-possessed. At that, the whole town went out to meet Jesus. When they saw Him, they begged Him to leave their region.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%208:32-34;&amp;version=77; 8:32–34]

* God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. … The angel said to her, &quot;Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.&quot; &quot;How will this be,&quot; Mary asked the angel, &quot;since I am a virgin?&quot; The angel answered, &quot;The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%201:26-36;&amp;version=31; 1:26-36]

*  He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and,&lt;br&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother&lt;br&gt;must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9-10;&amp;version=HCSB 7:9–10]

* He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.
** [[John]], [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%205:12-13&amp;version=NKJV; 5:12-13]

* He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me, scatters.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=31; 11:23]

* If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26-27]

* Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become &quot;fools&quot; so that you may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: &quot;He catches the wise in their craftiness&quot;
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Corinthians|1 Corinthians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%203:18-19&amp;version=NIV 3:18-19], quoting Job 5:13.

* If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is true. You have sent to John and he has testified to the truth. Not that I accept human testimony; but I mention it that you may be saved. John was a lamp that burned and gave light, and you chose for a time to enjoy his light. I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the works that the Father has given me to finish—the very works that I am doing—testify that the Father has sent me.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31-36&amp;version=NIV 5:31-36], Speaking to the hypocrites and pharisees.

* Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%208:14;&amp;version=NIV 8:14]

* Household slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%202:18;&amp;version=HCSB 2:18]

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=47&amp;chapter=5&amp;verse=29&amp;version=31&amp;context=verse 5:29]

* Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.
** [[John the Evangelist]], [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%202:18;&amp;version=9; 2:18]

* “Look, I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as serpents and as harmless as doves. Because people will hand you over to sanhedrins and flog you in their synagogues, beware of them. You will even be brought before governors and kings because of Me, to bear witness to them and to the nations. But when they hand you over, don’t worry about how or what you should speak. For you will be given what to say at that hour, because you are not speaking, but the Spirit of your Father is speaking through you. “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by everyone because of My name. But the one who endures to the end will be delivered. When they persecute you in one town, escape to another. For I assure you: You will not have covered the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 16:23.

* No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him.
** [[John the Evangelist]], [[Gospel of John|John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%201:18&amp;version=NKJV;  1:18]

* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1-2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8-9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13-15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

* Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
** [[Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%202:13-14;&amp;version=9; 2:13–14]

* Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn &lt;blockquote&gt;'a man against his father,&lt;br&gt; a daughter against her mother,&lt;br&gt; a daughter-in-law against her motherinlaw—&lt;br&gt; a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:34-36;&amp;version=31; 10:34–36]

* The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2013:41-42;&amp;version=31; 13:41–42]

* Then Peter came to Him and said, &quot;Lord, how many times could my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?&quot; &quot;I tell you, not as many as seven,&quot; Jesus said to him, &quot;but 70 times seven. For this reason, the kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.&quot;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=HCSB 18:21-23]

* Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, &quot;You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?&quot; And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:32-35;&amp;version=NKJV 18:32–35]

* [The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. … ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29-34], foretelling His [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] during the lifetimes of His disciples.

* The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12-14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=31; 12:46]

* That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows.
** [[Jesus]], [[Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=31; 12:47]

* There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
** [[John]], [[First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John%204:18&amp;version=NIV; 4:18]

* I am not going out of my mind, Your Excellency Festus, but I am speaking words of truth and of a sound mind. For a fact, the king to whom I am speaking so freely well knows about these things .. Do you, King A·grip′pa, believe the Prophets? I know that you believe.” But A·grip′pa said to Paul: “'''In a short time you would persuade me to become a Christian.'''” At this Paul said: “I wish to God that whether in a short time or in a long time, not only you but also all those who hear me today would become men such as I am ...
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/acts/26/ Acts 26:25-29], [[New World Translation]]

* Since it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you, and to give you who are troubled rest with us when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with His mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power, when He comes, in that Day, to be glorified in His saints and to be admired among all those who believe, because our testimony among you was believed.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Second Epistle to the Thessalonians|2 Thessalonians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Thessalonians%201:5-10&amp;version=NKJV 1:5-10]

* The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Second Epistle to the Thessalonians|2 Thessalonians]] 2:9-12.

* A woman should learn in silence with full submission. I do not allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; instead, she is to be silent.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:First Epistle to Timothy|1 Timothy]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Timothy%202:11-12;&amp;version=HCSB 2:11-12]

* For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers, specially they of the circumcision: Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for filthy lucre's sake.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[w:Epistle to Titus|Titus]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Titus%201:10-11;&amp;version=KJV 1:10-11]

* Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] 2:17.

* I will kill her children with the plague.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:23;&amp;version=HCSB 2:23]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter;&lt;br&gt; He will shatter them like pottery—&lt;br&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=HCSB 2:26–27]

* Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:28-29&amp;version=NIV 3:28-29]

* Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:32-33;&amp;version=NIV 10:32–33]

* When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. &quot;I am innocent of this man's blood,&quot; he said. &quot;It is your responsibility!&quot; &lt;br/&gt; All the people answered, &quot;Let his blood be on us and on our children!&quot;
** [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2027:24-25;&amp;version=31; 27:24-25]

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17-18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

* Then he said to those standing by, &quot;Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.&quot; &quot;Sir,&quot; they said, &quot;he already has ten!&quot; He replied, &quot;I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what they have will be taken away. But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me.&quot;
** [[Jesus]]'s ''Parable of the Ten Minas'', [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:26-27]]. [[John Chrysostom]], a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]], one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] quoted the last sentence out of context, as if a command of Jesus rather than his parable's protagonist, to condemn the Jews:
*** [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1.

* Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.
** [[Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=50&amp;chapter=6&amp;verse=54&amp;version=31&amp;context=verse 6:54]

* [...] for ye also have suffered like things of your own countrymen, even as they have of the Jews: Who both killed the Lord Jesus, and their own prophets, and have persecuted us; and they please not God, and are contrary to all men.
** [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], [[w:First Epistle to the Thessalonians|1 Thessalonians]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Thessalonians%202:14-15;&amp;version=KJV 2:14-15]

*…Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, &quot;Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.&quot; &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV).

* You have heard that it was said, ‘''Love your neighbor and hate your enemy''.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
** Jesus, in Matthew 5:43-48.

* “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.&quot;
** Jesus, in Matthew 38:42.

== First century Christianity ==
{{main|First century Christianity}}
* The true triumphs of Christianity were seen in making good men of those who professed her doctrines, rather than changing outwardly popular institutions, or government, or laws, or even elevating the great mass of unbelievers. We have testimony to their blameless lives, to their irreproachable morals, to their good citizenship.
** Dr. John Lord, ''The Old Roman World'' (1870), p. 551.

* The Roman government called the Christians enemies of the state. They would not serve in the Roman army. They refused to salute the emperor’s statue, which meant the same to Roman society that a nation’s flag does to citizens today. They were loyal only to their religion.
** Edith McCall, Evalyn Rapparlie and Jack Spatafora, ''Man—His World and Cultures'' (1974), p. 67, 68

* Take note of those who spout false opinions about the gracious gift of Jesus Christ that has come to us, and see how they are opposed to the mind of God. They have no interest in love, in the widow, the orphan, the oppressed, the one who is in chains or the one set free, the one who is hungry or the one who thirsts.
** [[Ignatius of Antioch]], Epistle to the Smyrnaeans 6:6-7, as translated by B. D. Ehrman, The Apostolic Fathers, Loeb Classical Library (2003), p. 303.

== The [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]==
=== The [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas.

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam's third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a &quot;Sethian&quot; spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples' prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were stoning me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== The [[w: Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===
* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** [[w: Gospel of Mary|Mary]] 9:4–10.

* Sin as such does not exist, but you make sin when you do what is of the nature of fornication, which is called &quot;sin.&quot; For this reason the Good came into your midst, to the essence of each nature, to restore it to its root. For this reason you come into existence and die.
** In response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] ===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
* The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of life, and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 4.

* Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 5.

* Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 6.

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 7.

* I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 10.

* Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.
** Jesus, [[w:Gospel of Thomas|Thomas]] 44.

==[[w:Gospel of Nicodemus|Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus]]==
[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass MaryJesus.jpg|thumb|right|A depiction in stained glass: &quot;thy mother Mary fled into Egypt&quot;]]
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255).

==The Talmud==
===Babylonian Talmud===
* [[w:Yeshua (name)|Yeshua]]'s mother was Miriam [Mary] … This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband. … He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot; … In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler … [as] they did to [[w:Yeshu#ben-Stada|Ben Stada]] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover. … The husband of his mother was called [[w:Yeshu#ben-Stada|Stada]], and her seducer [[w:Yeshu#ben-Pandera|Pandera]].
** ''[[Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [[w: Talmud#Talmud Bavli (Babylonian Talmud)|Babylonian Talmud]] takes it for granted that [[Jesus]]' mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]],'' a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

== Fourth century ==
* Many are the stratagems which the wily enemy employs against us. The serpent, we are told, was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. Genesis 3:1 And the apostle says: We are not ignorant of his devices. 2 Corinthians 2:11 Neither an affected shabbiness nor a stylish smartness becomes a Christian.
** [[Jerome]], Letter 22, p.29; as qtd. in [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/3001022.htm &quot;CHURCH FATHERS: Letter 22 (Jerome)&quot;], ''New Advent'', translated by W.H. Fremantle, G. Lewis and W.G. Martley. From Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, Second Series, Vol. 6. Edited by Philip Schaff and Henry Wace. (Buffalo, NY: Christian Literature Publishing Co., 1893.) Revised and edited for New Advent by Kevin Knight.

* He is a Christian
: who shows compassion to all,
: who is not at all provoked by wrong done to him,
: who does not allow the poor to be oppressed in his presence,
: who helps the wretched,
: who succors the needy,
: who mourns with the mourners,
: who feels another's pain as if it were his own,
: who is moved to tears by the tears of others,
: whose house is common to all,
: whose door is closed to no one,
: whose table no poor man does not know,
: whose food is offered to all,
: whose goodness all know and at whose hands no one experiences injury,
: who serves God all day and night,
: who ponders and meditates upon his commandments unceasingly,
: who is made poor in the eyes of the world so that he may become rich before God.
:* [[Pelagius]], ''On The Christian Life'', as translated by B. R. Rees in ''Pelagius: Life and Letters'' (Boydell Press: 2004)

* He is a Christian ...
: who is seen to have no feigning or pretense in his heart,
:whose soul is open and unspotted,
:whose conscience is faithful and pure,
:whose whole mind is on God,
:whose whole hope is in Christ,
:who desires heavenly things rather than earthly.
:* [[Pelagius]], ''On The Christian Life'', as translated by B. R. Rees in ''Pelagius: Life and Letters'' (Boydell Press: 2004)

==Early Middle Ages==
[[File:Bloch-SermonOnTheMount.jpg|thumb|right|What the [[soul]] is to the [[body]], Christians are to the [[world]]. ~ [[Epistle to Diognetus]]]]
* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]]''.

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202).

* Christians are distinguished from other men neither by country, nor language, nor the customs which they observe. For they neither inhabit cities of their own, nor employ a peculiar form of speech, nor lead a life which is marked out by any singularity. ... Following the customs of the natives in respect to clothing, food, and the rest of their ordinary conduct, they display to us their wonderful and confessedly striking method of life. They dwell in their own countries, but simply as sojourners. ... They are in the flesh, but they do not live after the flesh. They pass their days on earth, but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the prescribed laws, and at the same time surpass the laws by their lives. They love all men, and are persecuted by all.
** [[Epistle to Diognetus|Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus]], Chapter 5, 2nd century AD, ''A Source Book for Ancient Church History'', p. 30.

* What the soul is in the body, that are Christians in the world. The soul is dispersed through all the members of the body, and Christians are scattered through all the cities of the world. The soul dwells in the body, yet is not of the body; and Christians dwell in the world, yet are not of the world.
** [[Epistle to Diognetus|Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus]], Chapter 6.

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII.

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, translation., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen'', London, 1929, p. 54.

* 'If,' said he, 'the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.'
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm].

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity.

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, Volume 22, p. 296.

* It was … declared improper to follow the custom of the Jews in the celebration of this holy festival, because, their hands having been stained with crime, the minds of these wretched men are necessarily blinded. … Let us, then, have nothing in common with the Jews, who are our adversaries. … avoiding all contact with that evil way. … who, after having compassed the death of the Lord, being out of their minds, are guided not by sound reason, but by an unrestrained passion, wherever their innate madness carries them. … a people so utterly depraved. … Therefore, this irregularity must be corrected, in order that we may no more have any thing in common with those parricides and the [[w:deicide|murderers of our Lord]]. … no single point in common with the perjury of the Jews.
** [[w:First Council of Nicaea|First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea]], in which the [[w:Christian Church|Christian Church]] separates the calculation of the date of [[w:Easter|Easter]] from the Jewish [[w:Passover|Passover]]. See [http://ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf203.iv.viii.i.x.html The Epistle of the Emperor Constantine, concerning the matters transacted at the Council, addressed to those Bishops who were not present] and [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/25023.htm ''Life of Constantine'' Vol. III Ch. XVIII] by Eusebius.

* Nothing is more miserable than those people who never failed to attack their own salvation. When there was need to observe the Law, they trampled it under foot. … On this account Stephen said: &quot;You stiff-necked and uncircumcised in heart, you always resist the Holy Spirit&quot;, not only by transgressing the Law but also by wishing to observe it at the wrong time.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1.

* Before they committed the crime of crimes, before they killed their Master, before the cross, before the slaying of Christ, [Jewish sacrifices were] an abomination.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1.

* You [Jews] did slay Christ, you did lift violent hands against the Master, you did spill his precious blood. This is why you have no chance for atonement, excuse, or defense.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6.

* [T]he Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6.

* We know that salvation belongs to the Church alone, and that no one can partake of Christ nor be saved outside the Catholic Church and the Catholic Faith.
** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''De Capto Eutropia''.

* How hateful to me are the enemies of your Scripture! How I wish that you would slay them [the Jews] with your two-edged sword, so that there should be none to oppose your word! Gladly would I have them die to themselves and live to you!
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (412), ''[[w:Confessions (St. Augustine)|Confessions]]'' '''12'''.14.17.

* Whoever is separated from this Catholic Church, by this single sin of being separated from the unity of Christ, no matter how estimable a life he may imagine he is living, shall not have life, but the wrath of God rests upon him.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (412), ''[[w:Augustine of Hippo#Letters|Letters]]'' '''141''':5.

* [S]uch infants as quit the body without being baptized will be involved in the mildest condemnation of all. That person, therefore, greatly deceives both himself and others, who teaches that they will not be involved in condemnation[.]
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], (415–16), ''[http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf105.x.iii.xxi.html St. Augustine: Anti-Pelagian Writings]''.

* We must be on our guard against giving interpretations which are hazardous or opposed to science, and so exposing the word of God to the ridicule of unbelievers.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De genesi ad litteram libri duodecim'' (''The Literal Meaning of Genesis'') (415), I, nos. 19, 21, 39 [http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02089a.htm].

* [T]here is another form of temptation, more complex in its peril. … It originates in an appetite for knowledge. … From this malady of curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence do we proceed to search out the secret powers of nature (which is beside our end), which to know profits not, and wherein men desire nothing but to know.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book X/Chapter 35|Confessions]]'' (397), Book&amp;nbsp;X, Chap.&amp;nbsp;35.

* Usually, even a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other elements of this world, about the motion and orbit of the stars and even their size and relative positions, about the predictable eclipses of the sun and moon, the cycles of the years and the seasons, about the kinds of animals, shrubs, stones, and so forth, and this knowledge he hold to as being certain from reason and experience. Now, it is a disgraceful and dangerous thing for an infidel to hear a Christian, presumably giving the meaning of Holy Scripture, talking nonsense on these topics; and we should take all means to prevent such an embarrassing situation, in which people show up vast ignorance in a Christian and laugh it to scorn. … Reckless and incompetent expounders of Holy Scripture bring untold trouble and sorrow on their wiser brethren when they are caught in one of their mischievous false opinions and are taken to task by those who are not bound by the authority of our sacred books. For then, to defend their utterly foolish and obviously untrue statements, they will try to call upon Holy Scripture for proof and even recite from memory many passages which they think support their position, ''although they understand neither what they say nor the things about which they make assertion.'' [1 Timothy 1:7]
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''De genesi ad litteram libri duodecim'' (''The Literal Meaning of Genesis'') (415), from J. H. Taylor, transl., ''Ancient Christian Writers'', Newman Press, 1982, volume 41.

* As I follow no leader save Christ, so I communicate with none but your blessedness, that is, with the Chair of Peter. For this, I know, is the rock on which the Church is built. … This is the ark of Noah, and he who is not found in it shall perish when the flood prevails. … And as for heretics, I have never spared them; on the contrary, I have seen to it in every possible way that the Church's enemies are also my enemies.
** [[Jerome]], (405–420), ''Manual of Patrology and History of Theology''.

* It is no fault of Christianity that a hypocrite falls into sin[.]
** [[Jerome]], letter 125, to Rusticus (405–420), W.H. Fremantle, transl. [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf206.v.CXXV.html].

* Most firmly hold and never doubt that not only pagans, but also all Jews, all heretics, and all schismatics who finish this life outside of the Catholic Church, will go into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.
** [[w:Fulgentius of Ruspe|Saint Fulgentius]] (467–527), ''Enchriridion Patristicum''.

* The holy universal Church teaches that God cannot be truly adored except within its fold; she affirms that all those who are separated from her will not be saved.
** [[w:Pope Gregory I|Pope Gregory I]], ''[[w:Commentary on Job|Commentary on Job]]'' (578–595), XIV, 5, Chap. 158.

==The Qur'an ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}) and the Hadith ({{lang|ar|الحديث|rtl}})==

[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|360px|right|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 AD), that contains numerous inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]

===The Qur'an (القرآن)===
* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Surah 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Imran]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران|rtl}}).

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened—Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few— &lt;br&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger—they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain.&lt;br&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ&lt;br&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً&lt;br&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً&lt;br&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Surah 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}}).

* O People of the Book! Do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only a messenger of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Surah 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}}).

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Maryaium; and the Messiah said: O Children of IsraelS serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Surah 572–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}).

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Maryam! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Surah 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}).

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br&gt;وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ |rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Surah 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}).

* And when Isa son of Maryam [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the messenger of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Torah and giving the good news of a messenger who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Surah 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}).

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
**[[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ&lt;br&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ&lt;br&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ&lt;br&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ&lt;br&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]] ({{lang|ar|القرآن|rtl}}), [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Surah 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}}).

===The Hadith ({{lang|ar|الحديث|rtl}})===
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** Translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** Translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** Translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|360px|right|Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), that contains numerous inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]

* O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is better for you! - God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]

==High Middle Ages==
* Yes, you Jews. I say, do I address you; you, who till this very day, deny the Son of God. How long, poor wretches, will ye not believe the truth? Truly I doubt whether a Jew can be really human, for he will neither yield to human reasoning, nor accept the authorities which are both God's and his own.
** [[w:Peter the Venerable|Peter the Venerable]] (''c.'' 1092–1156), ''Tractatus contra Judaeos'' 3, PL 189. 551A.

* There is one Universal Church of the faithful, outside of which there is absolutely no salvation.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 1]

* Jesus Christ, whose body and blood are truly contained in the sacrament of the altar under the forms of bread and wine; the bread being changed (''transsubstantiatio'') by divine power into the body, and the wine into the blood, so that to realize the mystery of unity we may receive of Him what He has received of us. And this sacrament no one can effect except the priest who has been duly ordained in accordance with the keys of the Church, which Jesus Christ Himself gave to the Apostles and their successors.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 1], asserting the [[w:dogma|dogma]] of [[w:transubstantiation|transubstantiation]]

* Jews and Saracens [Muslims] of both sexes in every Christian province must be distinguished from the Christian by a difference of dress. On Passion Sunday and the last three days of Holy Week they may not appear in public.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 68]; see [[w:Judenhut|Judenhut]], [[w:yellow badge|yellow badge]]. This is partly so that Christians will not unknowingly have sexual relations with Jews or Muslims.

* Jews are not to be given public offices. Anyone instrumental in doing this is to be punished. A Jewish official is to be denied all intercourse with Christians.
** ''[[w:Fourth Council of the Lateran|The Canons of the Fourth Lateran Council]]'', 1215, [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/basis/lateran4.html Canon 69]

* ''Hominem unius libri timeo.''
** Translation: I fear the man of one book.
** Attributed to [[Thomas Aquinas]]. See also ''[[w:Homo unius libri|Homo unius libri]]''.

* There is no entering into salvation outside the Church, just as in the time of the deluge there was none outside the ark, which denotes the Church.
** [[Thomas Aquinas]], 1265–1274, ''[[w:Summa Theologiae|Summa Theologiae]]''.

* ''Pange, lingua, gloriosi&lt;br&gt;Corporis mysterium&lt;br&gt;Sanguinisque pretiosi,&lt;br&gt;Quem in mundi pretium&lt;br&gt;Fructus ventris generosi&lt;br&gt;Rex effudit gentium.''
** Translation: Sing, my tongue, the Savior's glory,&lt;br&gt;Of His Flesh the mystery sing;&lt;br&gt;Of the Blood, all price exceeding,&lt;br&gt;Shed by our immortal King.
** [[Thomas Aquinas]], ''Pange, Lingua'' (hymn for Vespers on the Feast of Corpus Christi), stanza 1.

* Christians, be ye more serious in your movements;&lt;br&gt;Be ye not like a feather at each wind,&lt;br&gt;And think not every water washes you.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Ye have the Old and the New Testament,&lt;br&gt;And the Pastor of the Church who guideth you&lt;br&gt;Let this suffice you unto your salvation.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;If evil appetite cry aught else to you,&lt;br&gt;Be ye as men, and not as silly sheep,&lt;br&gt;So that the Jew among you may not mock you.
** [[Dante Alighieri]], [[w:Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]], [[w:Paradiso (Dante)|Paradiso]], [[s:The Divine Comedy/Paradiso/Canto V|Canto V]], 73-81 (Translated by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]]).

==Late Middle Ages==
* When the existence of the Church is threatened, she is released from the commandments of morality. With unity as the end, the use of every means is sanctified, even deceit, treachery, violence, usury, prison, and death. Because order serves the good of the community, the individual must be sacrificed for the common good.
**[[w:Dietrich von Nieheim|Dietrich von Nieheim]], [[w:Bishopric of Verden|Bishop of Verden]], ''De schismate libri III'' (1411). Quoted in [[Arthur Koestler]]'s 1941 novel ''[[w:Darkness at Noon|Darkness at Noon]]''.

* ''We sacrifice the intellect to God.''
** Dei sacrificium intellectus.
** [[Ignatius of Loyola]]. See also ''[[w:de:sacrificium intellectus|sacrificium intellectus]]''.

* It should be recalled that the pretext upon which the [[Spanish]] invaded each of these provinces and proceeded to massacre the people and destroy their lands&amp;mdash;lands which teemed with people and should surely have been a joy and a delight to any true Christian&amp;mdash;was purely and simply that they were making good the claim of the Spanish Crown to the territories in question. At no stage had any order been issued entitling them to massacre the people or to enslave them. Yet, whenever the natives did not drop everything and rush to recognize publicly the truth of the irrational and illogical claims that were made, and whenever they did not immediately place themselves completely at the mercy of the iniquitous and cruel and bestial individuals who were making such claims, they were dubbed outlaws and held to be in rebellion against His Majesty.
** [[Bartolomé de las Casas]], ''[[w:A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies|A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies]]'', (1552)

* It appears utterly absurd and impermissible that the Jews, whom God has condemned to eternal slavery for their guilt, should enjoy our Christian love.
** [[w:Pope Paul IV|Pope Paul IV]], Papal Bull ''[[w:Cum nimis absurdum|Cum nimis absurdum]]'' (1555).

* All the world suffers from the usury of the Jews, their monopolies and deceit. … Then as now Jews have to be reminded intermittently anew that they were enjoying rights in any country since they left Palestine and the Arabian desert, and subsequently their ethical and moral doctrines as well as their deeds rightly deserve to be exposed to criticism in whatever country they happen to live.
** [[w:Pope Clement VIII|Pope Clement VIII]], ''Caeca et obdurata'' (&quot;Blind Obstinacy&quot;, 1593).

* Christ is not God, not the saviour of the world, but a mere man, a sinful man, and an abominable idol. All who worship him are abominable idolaters. And Christ did not rise again from death to life nor did he ascend into heaven.
** [[Matthew Hammond]], burned at the stake by the [[w:Bishop of Norwich|Bishop of Norwich]] on 20&amp;nbsp;May 1579, as quoted in ''[[w:Raphael Holinshed|Holinshed]]'s Chronicle'' (1587), Volume III; also in ''The Catholic Doctrine of the Church of England'' (1854) by Thomas Rogers, and J. J. S. Perowne, and ''The Tyranny of God : Liberating Ourselves from Our Own Beliefs‎'' (2008) by Marquez Comelab, p. 198; also cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

==The Reformation==
* Their [the Jews] rotten and unbending stiffneckedness deserves that they be oppressed unendingly and without measure or end and that they die in their misery without the pity of anyone.
** [[John Calvin]], ''A Response To Questions and Objections of a Certain Jew'' (''Ad quaestiones et objecta Judaei cuiusdam responsio'').

* Whoever shall maintain that wrong is done to heretics and blasphemers in punishing them makes himself an accomplice in their crime and guilty as they are. There is no question here of man's authority; it is God who speaks, and clear it is what law he will have kept in the church, even to the end of the world. Wherefore does he demand of us a so extreme severity, if not to show us that due honor is not paid him, so long as we set not his service above every human consideration, so that we spare not kin, nor blood of any, and forget all humanity when the matter is to combat for His glory.
** [[John Calvin]]'s justification of torture and execution for heretics. John Marshall, ''John Locke, Toleration and Early Enlightenment Culture (Cambridge Studies in Early Modern British History)'', Cambridge University Press, 2006, {{ISBN|0-521-65114-X}} p. 325.

* After he [Servetus] had been recognized, I thought he should be detained. My friend [[w:Nicholas de la Fontaine|Nicolas]] summoned him on a capital charge, offering himself as a security according to the ''[[w:lex talionis|lex talionis]]''. On the following day he adduced against him forty written charges. He at first sought to evade them. Accordingly we were summoned. He impudently reviled me, just as if he regarded me as obnoxious to him. I answered him as he deserved … of the man's effrontery I will say nothing; but such was his madness that he did not hesitate to say that devils possessed divinity; yea, that many gods were in individual devils, inasmuch as a deity had been substantially communicated to those equally with wood and stone. I hope that sentence of death will at least be passed on him; but I desired that the severity of the punishment be mitigated.
** [[John Calvin]], to [[w:William Farel|William Farel]] on the execution for heresy of [[w:Michael Servetus|Michael Servetus]], 20&amp;nbsp;August 1553, [http://books.google.com/books?vid=OCLC04575872&amp;id=MnG0aSU9QnwC&amp;pg=PA22&amp;lpg=PA22&amp;dq=%22bonnet+jules+%22 Bonnet, Jules (1820–1892)] ''Letters of John Calvin'', Carlisle, Penn: [[w:Banner of Truth Trust|Banner of Truth Trust]], 1980, pp. 158–159. {{ISBN|0-85151-323-9}}. [[w:Michael Servetus|Servetus]] was arrested while attending a church service officated by Calvin.

* Is it faith to understand nothing, and merely submit your convictions implicitly to the Church?
** [[John Calvin]]

* God preordained, for his own glory and the display of His attributes of mercy and justice, a part of the human race, without any merit of their own, to eternal salvation, and another part, in just punishment of their sin, to eternal damnation.
** [[John Calvin]]

* True believing Christians are sheep among wolves. ... They employ neither worldly sword nor war, since with them killing is absolutely renounced.
** [[Conrad Grebel]], letter to [[Thomas Müntzer]] (1524), as cited in William R. Estep, ''The Anabaptist Story'' (1996), pp. 41-42.

* Reason is the Devil's harlot, who can do nought but slander and harm whatever God says and does.
** German: ''Vernunft &amp;hellip; ist die höchste Hur, die der Teufel hat &amp;hellip;''
** [[Martin Luther]], Last Sermon in Wittenberg, Second Sunday in Epiphany, 17 January 1546. Sources: &lt;cite&gt;Dr. Martin Luthers Werke: Kritische Gesamtausgabe&lt;/cite&gt;, (Weimar: Herman Boehlaus Nachfolger, 1914), Band 51:126, Line 7ff; {{cite web|url=http://www.iep.utm.edu/l/luther.htm|title=Martin Luther (1483-1546)|publisher=The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy}}; [[H. L. Mencken]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=YMjdLA0eTAAC&amp;pg=PA244&amp;dq=Luther+Reason+is+the+Devil%27s+harlot,+who+can+do+nought+but+slander+and+harm+whatever+God+says+and+does.#v=onepage&amp;q=Luther%20Reason%20is%20the%20Devil%27s%20harlot%2C%20who%20can%20do%20nought%20but%20slander%20and%20harm%20whatever%20God%20says%20and%20does.&amp;f=false Treatise on the Gods]'', p.&amp;nbsp; 244; [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great]]'', p.&amp;nbsp;73.

* What harm would it do, if a man told a good strong lie for the sake of the good and for the Christian church … a lie out of necessity, a useful lie, a helpful lie, such lies would not be against God, he would accept them.
** [[Martin Luther]], cited by his secretary, in a letter in Max Lenz, ed., ''Briefwechsel Landgraf Philips des Grossmuthigen von Hessen mit Bucer'', vol.&amp;nbsp;1. Source: Sissela Bok, ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=-kU6AAAAMAAJ&amp;q=Max+Lenz+Briefwechsel+Landgraf+Phillips+des+Grossmuthigen+von+Hessen+mit+Bucer&amp;dq=Max+Lenz+Briefwechsel+Landgraf+Phillips+des+Grossmuthigen+von+Hessen+mit+Bucer Lying: Moral Choice In Public and Private Life‎]'', New York: Pantheon Books, 1978, p.&amp;nbsp;47. [http://www.cs.uwaterloo.ca/~shallit/luther1.jpg German text] of the quote.

* I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not contradict Scripture.
** [[Martin Luther]], letter to Chancellor ''Gregory Brück'' (An Den Kanzler Brück), [[1524-01-13]], ''Dr. Martin Luther's Briefe, Sendschreiben und Bedenken:'' volständig aus den verschiedenen Ausgaben seiner Werke und Briefe, aus andern Büchern und noch unbenutzten Handschriten gesammelt. From the [[w:De Wette|Wilhelm Martin Leberecht De Wette]] Collection of Luther's Letters (Berlin: [http://www.degruyter.de/rs/222_5927_ENU_h.htm Georg reimer], 1826) Volume 2, p. 459 (Letter DLXXII; Latin text).

* When the Gospel is preached unto faith, hope, love, and patience, God gives His wonder-working Spirit. Paul reminds the Galatians of this. &quot;God had not only brought you to faith by my preaching. He had also sanctified you to bring forth the fruits of faith. And one of the fruits of your faith was that you loved me so devotedly that you were willing to pluck out your eyes for me.&quot; To love a fellow-man so devotedly as to be ready to bestow upon him money, goods, eyes in order to secure his salvation, such love is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Theodore Graebner, transl., (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1949) Chapter 2, pp. 86–106. [http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/galatians/Gal3-01.txt].

* When we pay attention to reason, God seems to propose impossible matters in the Christian Creed. To reason it seems absurd that Christ should offer His body and blood in the Lord's Supper; that Baptism should be the washing of regeneration; that the dead shall rise; that Christ the Son of God was conceived in the womb of the Virgin Mary, etc. Reason shouts that all this is preposterous. Are you surprised that reason thinks little of faith? Reason thinks it ludicrous that faith should be the foremost service any person can render unto God. Let your faith supplant reason.
** [[Martin Luther]], ''Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians'' (1535), Theodore Graebner, transl., (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1949) Chapter 2, pp. 86–106. [http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/galatians/Gal3-01.txt].

* Therefore we Christians, in turn, are obliged not to tolerate their [the Jews'] wanton and conscious blasphemy.
** [[Martin Luther]] (1543), ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Christianity&amp;action=edit&amp;section=6#–www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html].

* What shall we Christians do with this rejected and condemned people, the Jews? … &lt;br/&gt; First to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn … This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom, so that God might see that we are Christians, and do not condone or knowingly tolerate such public lying, cursing, and blaspheming of his Son and of his Christians. … &lt;br/&gt; Second, I advise that their houses also be razed and destroyed. … &lt;br/&gt; Third, I advise that all their prayer books and Talmudic writings, in which such idolatry, lies, cursing and blasphemy are taught, be taken from them. … &lt;br/&gt; Fourth, I advise that their rabbis be forbidden to teach henceforth on pain of loss of life and limb. … Fifth, I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews. … &lt;br/&gt; Sixth, I advise that usury be prohibited to them, and that all cash and treasure of silver and gold be taken from them and put aside for safekeeping. … &lt;br/&gt; Seventh, I commend putting a flail, an ax, a hoe, a spade, a distaff, or a spindle into the hands of young, strong Jews and Jewesses and letting them earn their bread in the sweat of their brow, as was imposed on the children of Adam (Gen 3[:19]).
** [[Martin Luther]] (1543), ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html].

* Be a sinner and sin strongly, but more strongly have faith and rejoice in Christ.
** [[Martin Luther]]

* Prayer is a strong wall and fortress of the church; it is a goodly Christian weapon.
** [[Martin Luther]]

==The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)==
* Had it been published by a voice from heaven, that twelve poor men, taken out of boats and creeks, without any help of learning, should conquer the world to the cross, it might have been thought an illusion against all reason of men; yet we know it was undertaken and accomplished by them.
** [[w:Stephen Charnock|Stephen Charnock]], ''Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God'' (1682) On the Existence of God.

* Don't you see that the appalling history of sectarianism, persecution, heresy hunting, shows you that this way of thinking about the world is intrinsically unsound?
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The universe, the whole mass of all things that are, is corporeal, that is to say body, and hath dimensions of magnitude, length breadth and depth. Every part of the universe is body and that which is not body is no part of the universe. And because the universe is all, that which is no part of it is nothing. Consequently, nowhere.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* [T]he universe, that is, the whole mass of all things that are, is corporeal, that is to say, body, and hath the dimensions of magnitude, namely length, breadth, and depth: also every part of body is likewise body and hath the like dimensions; and consequently every part of the universe is body, and that which is not body is no part of the universe: and because the universe is all, that which is no part of it is nothing, and consequently nowhere. Nor does it follow from hence that spirits are nothing: for they have dimensions and are therefore really bodies; though that name in common speech be given to such bodies only as are visible or palpable; that is, that have some degree of opacity: but for spirits, they call them incorporeal, which is a name of more honour, and may therefore with more piety be attributed to God Himself; in whom we consider not what attribute expresseth best His nature, which is incomprehensible, but what best expresseth our desire to honour Him.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''[[w:Leviathan (book)|Leviathan]]'' (1651), Chapter LXVI.

* For after the Bible was translated into English, every man, nay every boy and wench, that could read English, thought they spoke with God Almighty, and understood what he said, when by a certain number of chapters a day they had read the Scriptures once or twice over. The reverence and obedience due to the Reformed Church here, and to the bishops and pastors therein, was cast off, and every man became a judge of religion, and an interpreter of the Scriptures to himself.... I confess this licence of interpreting the Scripture was the cause of so many several sects, as have lain hid until the beginning of the [[Charles I of England|late King]]'s reign, and did then appear to the disturbance of the commonwealth.
** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''[[w:Behemoth (book)|Behemoth]]'' (written 1668; published posthumously 1681), Part I.

* I have often wondered, that persons who make a boast of professing the Christian religion, namely, love, joy, peace, temperance, and charity to all men, should quarrel with such rancorous animosity, and display daily towards one another such bitter hatred, that this, rather than the virtues they claim, is the readiest criterion of their faith. Matters have long since come to such a pass, that one can only pronounce a man Christian, Turk, Jew, or Heathen, by his general appearance and attire, by his frequenting this or that place of worship, or employing the  phraseology of a particular sect—as for manner of life, it is in all cases the same.
** [[Baruch Spinoza]], Preface to the ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#PR] (1677).

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677).

==The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)==
* Let divines and philosophers, statemen and patriots, unite their endeavours to renovate the age by impressing the minds of men with the importance of educating little boys and girls; of inculcating in the minds of youth the fear and love of the Deity…in short leading them in the study and practice of the exalted virtues of the Christian system….
** [[Samuel Adams]], letter to John Adams October 4, 1790.

* A few persons of an odious and despised country could not have filled the world with believers, had they not shown undoubted credentials from the divine person who sent them on such a message.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Of The Christian Religion'' (1721).

* '''As the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion'''; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen [Muslims] … it is declared … that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever product an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.
** [[Joel Barlow]], ''The [[w:Treaty of Tripoli|Treaty of Tripoli]]'' (January 4, 1797). Carried unanimously by the U.S. Senate and signed into law by President [[John Adams]].

* Before the christian religion had, as it were, humanized the idea of the divinity, and brought it somewhat nearer to us, there was very little said of the love of God. The followers of [[Plato]] have something of it, and only something. The other writes of pagan antiquity, whether poets or philosophers, nothing at all.
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''A Philosphical Emquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful'' (1757), Part II, Section V.

* The Cross!&lt;br&gt;There, and there only (though the deist rave,&lt;br&gt;And atheist, if Earth bears so base a slave);&lt;br&gt;There and there only, is the power to save.
**[[William Cowper]], ''The Progress of Error'' (1792), line 613.

* I think it better to keep a profound silence with regard to the Christian fables, which are canonized by their antiquity and the credulity of absurd and insipid people.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 37 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], June 1738.

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], 19 March 1776.

* The Christians, in the course of their intestine dissensions, have inflicted far greater severities on each other than they had experienced from the zeal of infidels.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap16.htm  Chap.&amp;nbsp;16], Conduct of the Roman government towards the Christians.

* The virtue of the primitive Christians, like that of the first Romans, was very frequently guarded by poverty and ignorance.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* Whilst the happiness and glory of a temporal reign were promised to the disciples of Christ, the most dreadful calamities were denounced against an unbelieving world. … A regular series was prepared of all the moral and physical evils which can afflict a flourishing nation; intestine discord, and the invasion of the fiercest barbarians from the unknown regions of the North; pestilence and famine, comets and eclipses, earthquakes and inundations. The calmest and most intrepid sceptic could not refuse to acknowledge that the destruction of the present system of the world by fire was in itself extremely probable. The Christian, who founded his belief much less on the fallacious arguments of reason than on the authority of tradition and the interpretation of Scripture, expected it with terror and confidence as a certain and approaching event; and as his mind was perpetually filled with the solemn idea, he considered every disaster that happened to the empire as an infallible symptom of an expiring world.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The condemnation of the wisest and most virtuous of the Pagans, on account of their ignorance or disbelief of the divine truth, seems to offend the reason and the humanity of the present age. But the primitive church, whose faith was of a much firmer consistence, delivered over, without hesitation, to eternal torture the far greater part of the human species.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The chaste severity of the fathers in whatever related to the commerce of the two sexes flowed from the same principle—their [[abhorrence]] of every enjoyment which might gratify the sensual and degrade the spiritual nature of man. It was their favourite opinion, that if Adam had preserved his obedience to the Creator, he would have lived for ever in a state of virgin purity, and that some harmless mode of vegetation might have peopled paradise with a race of innocent and immortal beings. The use of marriage was permitted only to his fallen posterity, as a necessary expedient to continue the human species, and as a restraint, however imperfect, on the natural licentiousness of desire. The enumeration of the very whimsical laws which they most circumstantially imposed on the marriage-bed would force a smile from the young and a blush from the fair. It was their unanimous sentiment that a first marriage was adequate to all the purposes of nature and of society. The sensual connection was refined into a resemblance of the mystic union of Christ with his church, and was pronounced to be indissoluble either by divorce or by death. The practice of second nuptials was branded with the name of a legal adultery; and the persons who were guilty of so scandalous an offence against Christian purity were soon excluded from the honours, and even from the arms, of the church. Since desire was imputed as a crime, and marriage was tolerated as a defect, it was consistent with the same principles to consider a state of celibacy as the nearest approach to the Divine perfection.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* The names of Seneca, of the elder and the younger Pliny, of Tacitus, of Plutarch, of Galen, of the slave Epictetus, and of the emperor Marcus Antoninus, adorn the age in which they flourished, and exalt the dignity of human nature. They filled with glory their respective stations, either in active or contemplative life; their excellent understandings were improved by study; philosophy had purified their minds from the prejudices of the popular superstition; and their days were spent in the pursuit of truth and the practice of virtue. Yet all these sages (it is no less an object of surprise than of concern) overlooked or rejected the perfection of the Christian system. Their language or their silence equally discover their contempt for the growing sect which in their time had diffused itself over the Roman empire. Those among them who condescend to mention the Christians consider them only as obstinate and perverse enthusiasts, who exacted an implicit submission to their mysterious doctrines, without being able to produce a single argument that could engage the attention of men of sense and learning.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* [H]ow shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm].

* But the most interesting conquest of the Seljukian Turks was that of Jerusalem, which soon became the theatre of nations. In their capitulation with Omar, the inhabitants had stipulated the assurance of their religion and property; … and the sepulchre of Christ, with the church of the Resurrection, was still left in the hands of his votaries. Of these votaries, the most numerous and respectable portion were strangers to Jerusalem: the pilgrimages to the Holy Land had been stimulated, rather than suppressed, by the conquest of the Arabs; … The harmony of prayer in so many various tongues, the worship of so many nations in the common temple of their religion, might have afforded a spectacle of edification and peace; but the zeal of the Christian sects was imbittered by hatred and revenge; and in the kingdom of a suffering Messiah, who had pardoned his enemies, they aspired to command and persecute their spiritual brethren.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/decline5.txt Vol.&amp;nbsp; 5, Chap.&amp;nbsp;57], on [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]] under the Muslims and the motivation of the [[w:Crusades|Crusades]]

* About four hundred and sixty years after the conquest of Omar, the holy city was rescued from the Mahometan yoke. In the pillage of public and private wealth, the adventurers had agreed to respect the exclusive property of the first occupant; and the spoils of the great mosque, seventy lamps and massy vases of gold and silver, rewarded the diligence, and displayed the generosity, of Tancred. '''A bloody sacrifice was offered by his mistaken votaries to the God of the Christians: resistance might provoke but neither age nor sex could mollify, their implacable rage: they indulged themselves three days in a promiscuous massacre; and the infection of the dead bodies produced an epidemical disease. After seventy thousand Moslems had been put to the sword, and the harmless Jews had been burnt in their synagogue, they could still reserve a multitude of captives, whom interest or lassitude persuaded them to spare.''' … Bareheaded and barefoot, with contrite hearts, and in an humble posture, they ascended the hill of Calvary, amidst the loud anthems of the clergy; kissed the stone which had covered the Savior of the world; and bedewed with tears of joy and penitence the monument of their redemption. … '''nor shall I believe that the most ardent in slaughter and rapine were the foremost in the procession to the holy sepulchre.'''
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/decline5.txt Vol.&amp;nbsp; 5, Chap.&amp;nbsp;58], on the Christian conquest of [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]] from the Muslims.

* If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
** [[Baron d'Holbach]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* God's power is infinite, Whatever he wills is executed; But neither man nor any other animal is happy; therefore he does not will their happiness. Epicurus' old questions are yet unanswered. Is he both able and willing to prevent evil? Then whence cometh evil?
** [[David Hume]], ''[[s:Dialogues concerning Natural Religion|Dialogues concerning Natural Religion]]'' (1779), cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;1], p.&amp;nbsp;459.

* In the middle ages of Christianity opposition to the State opinions was hushed. The consequence was, Christianity became loaded with all the Romish follies. Nothing but free argument, raillery &amp; even ridicule will preserve the purity of religion.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Religion'' (October, 1776). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;2], p.&amp;nbsp;256.

* '''Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned: yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.''' What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth. Let us reflect that it is inhabited by a thousand millions of people. That these profess probably a thousand different systems of religion. That ours is but one of that thousand. That if there be but one right, and ours that one, we should wish to see the 999 wandering sects gathered into the fold of truth. But against such a majority we cannot effect this by force. Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these, free inquiry must be indulged; and how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse it ourselves. But every state, says an inquisitor, has established some religion. &quot;No two, say I, have established the same.&quot; Is this a proof of the infallibility of establishments? Our sister states of Pennsylvania and New York, however, have long subsisted without any establishment at all.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;80.

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81.

* Your reason is now mature enough to examine this object [religion]. In the first place divest yourself of all bias in favour of novelty &amp; singularity of opinion. Indulge them in any other subject rather than that of religion. It is too important, &amp; the consequences of error may be too serious. On the other hand shake off all the fears &amp; servile prejudices under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. '''Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.''' You will naturally examine first  the religion of your own country. Read the bible then, as you would read Livy or Tacitus. … But '''those facts in the bible which contradict the laws of nature, must be examined with more care''', and under a variety of faces. … Examine upon what evidence his pretensions are founded, and whether that evidence is so strong as that its falsehood would be more improbable than a change in the laws of nature in the case he relates. For example in the book of Joshua we are told the sun stood still several hours. Were we to read that fact in Livy or Tacitus we should class it with their showers of blood, speaking of statues, beasts, etc. But it is said that the writer of that book was inspired. Examine therefore candidly what evidence there is of his having been inspired. The pretension is entitled to your inquiry, because millions believe it. On the other hand you are astronomer enough to know how contrary it is to the law of nature that a body revolving on its axis as the earth does, should have stopped, should not by that sudden stoppage have prostrated animals, trees, buildings, and should after a certain time have resumed its revolution, &amp; that without a second general prostration. Is this arrest of the earth's motion, or the evidence which affirms it, most within the law of probabilities? You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are  some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to Peter Carr (August 10, 1787). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327.

*Christianity possesses the great advantage over Judaism of being represented as coming from the mouth of the first Teacher not as a statutory but as a moral religion, and as thus entering into the closest relation with reason so that, through reason, it was able of itself, without historical learning, to be spread at all times and among all peoples with the greatest trustworthiness.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone (1793), Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a learned religion”

* What influence in fact have ecclesiastical establishments had on Civil Society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the Civil authority; in many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny: in no instance have they been seen the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wished to subvert the public liberty, may have found an established Clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just Government instituted to secure &amp; perpetuate it needs them not.
** [[James Madison]], ''[[w:Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments|Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments]]'' (1785), opposing a &quot;Bill establishing a provision for Teachers of the Christian Religion&quot; [http://religiousfreedom.lib.virginia.edu/sacred/madison_m&amp;r_1785.html].

* During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
** [[James Madison]], ''[[w:Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments|Memorial and Remonstrance Against Religious Assessments]]'' (1785), opposing a &quot;Bill establishing a provision for Teachers of the Christian Religion&quot; [http://religiousfreedom.lib.virginia.edu/sacred/madison_m&amp;r_1785.html].

* It is necessary that the Christian should distinguish himself from the crowd by a singular conduct; that he should walk almost alone along a by-lane, where he will have to suffer the scorn and sneers of false Christians.
** [[François-Philippe Mésenguy]] ''Abrégé de l’Histoire de l’Ancien Testament'' (1747), as translated by Mary Ilford in ''The Bourgeois: Catholicism vs. Capitalism in Eighteenth-Century France'' (1968), p. 163.

* ''Chose admirable! la religion chrétienne, qui ne semble avoir d'objet que la félicité de l'autre vie, fait encore notre bonheur dans celle-ci.''
** Translation: An admirable thing is the Christian religion: it seems to have no other end in view than happiness in the next world, and yet it also constitutes our happiness in this one.
** [[Montesquieu]], ''[[The Spirit of the Laws]]'' (''De l'esprit des lois'', 1748), Book XXIV, Ch. 3

* [A]ll churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Muslim, are simply human inventions. They use fear to enslave us. They are a monopoly for power and profit.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* People in general do not realize the wickedness that is in this so-called word of God. They are raised with the superstitious ideas that the Bible is true and good, and don't allow themselves to doubt it. The ideas that they form from the generosity of God are carried over to the book that they have been taught to believe was written by his authority. Good heavens, it is something else entirely! It is a book of lies, wickedness, and blasphemy. What can be a greater blasphemy than to say that the wickedness of man was done by the order of God?
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* The most horrible wickedness and cruelties, and the greatest miseries that have troubled the human race began with this thing called revelation, or revealed religion. … It would be far, far better for us to let a thousand devils roam the world, and publicly preach the doctrine of devils (if there were such a thing, which there isn't), than to let one impostor and monster such a Moses, Joshua, Samuel or the Bible prophets come speaking the so-called word of God, and causing men to believe it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded—put Satan into the pit—let him out again—given him a triumph over the whole creation—damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04].

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Of all the systems of religion that ever were invented, there is none more derogatory to the Almighty, more unedifying to man, more repugnant to reason, and more contradictory in itself, than this thing called Christianity. Too absurd for belief, too impossible to convince, and too inconsistent for practice, it renders the heart torpid, or produces only atheists and fanatics. As an engine of power, it serves the purpose of despotism; and as a means of wealth, the avarice of priests; but so far as respects the good of man in general, it leads to nothing here or hereafter.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''The Age of Reason,'' Part II (1795) Ch. 2.

* Of all religions, Christianity ought doubtless to inspire the most toleration, although hitherto the Christians have been the most intolerant of all men.
** [[Voltaire]], &quot;Toleration,&quot; ''Dictionnaire philosophique portatif'' (1764).

* [Christianity] is assuredly the most ridiculous, the most absurd and the most bloody religion which has ever infected this world. Your Majesty will do the human race an eternal service by extirpating this infamous superstition, I do not say among the rabble, who are not worthy of being enlightened and who are apt for every yoke; I say among honest people, among men who think, among those who wish to think. … My one regret in dying is that I cannot aid you in this noble enterprise, the finest and most respectable which the human mind can point out.
** [[Voltaire]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 156 from [[Voltaire]] to [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]], 5 January 1767.

* Where is the prince sufficiently educated to know that for seventeen hundred years the Christian sect has done nothing but harm?
** [[Voltaire]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 160 from [[Voltaire]] to [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]], 6 April 1767.

* [W]hen the clergy addressed General Washington on his departure from the government, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Christian religion and they thought they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However [Dr.&amp;nbsp;Rush] observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets &amp; believed himself to be so, has often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], the ''Anas'' (February 1, 1800), on [[George Washington]]'s absent Christianity. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;1], pp.&amp;nbsp;352–353.

==The Nineteenth Century==
&lt;small&gt;(oldest first)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|right|Christianity is just as lenient as it is austere, just as lenient, that is to say, [[infinitely]] lenient. When the infinite requirement is heard and upheld, heard and upheld in all its infinitude, then ''[[grace]]'' is offered, or rather grace offers itself, and to it the individual, each for himself, as I also do, can flee for refuge. ~ [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ]]
[[File:AgnusDeiWindow.jpg|thumb|right|Are there no [[w:Moravian Church|Moravians]] in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom? ~ [[Herman Melville]] ]]
* The general principles, on which the Fathers achieved independence, were the only Principles in which that beautiful Assembly of young Gentlemen could Unite…And what were these general Principles? I answer, the general Principles of Christianity, in which all these Sects were United:…Now I will avow, that I then believe, and now believe, that those general Principles of Christianity, are as eternal and immutable, as the Existence and Attributes of God; and that those Principles of Liberty, are as unalterable as human Nature and our terrestrial, mundane System.
** [[John Adams]] letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (28 June 1813).

* God … created this Speck of Dirt and the human Species for his glory: and with the deliberate design of making nine tenths of our Species miserable forever, for his glory. This is the doctrine of Christian Theologians in general: ten to one.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 14, 1813). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Indeed, Mr. Jefferson, what could be invented to debase the ancient Christianism which Greeks, Romans, Hebrews and Christian factions, above all the Catholics, have not fraudulently imposed upon the public? Miracles after miracles have rolled down in torrents.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (December 3, 1813). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;404.

* If the Christian religion, as I understand it, or as you understand it, should maintain its ground, as I believe it will, yet Platonic, Pythagoric, Hindoo, and cabalistic Christianity, which is Catholic Christianity, and which has prevailed for 1,500 years, has received a mortal wound, of which the monster must finally die. Yet so strong is his constitution, that he may endure for centuries before he expires.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (July 16, 1814). From the [http://books.google.com/books?id=9G0vAAAAYAAJ&amp;dq=works%20of%20john%20adams%20%22volume%20x%22&amp;pg=PA100#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Works of John Adams, Volume X], p.&amp;nbsp; 100.

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488.

* We have now, it Seems, a National Bible Society, to propagate the King James's Bible through all Nations. Would it not be better to apply the pious SubScriptions, to purify Christendom from the Corruptions of Christianity; than to propagate those corruptions in Europe, Asia, Africa, and America!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (November 4, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Do you think a Protestant Popedom is annihilated in America? Do you recollect, or have you ever attended to the ecclesiastical Strifes in Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, and every part of New England? What a mercy it is that these people cannot whip and crop, and pillory and roast, as yet in the U.S.! If they could they would.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (May 18, 1817). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* When we say that God is a spirit, we know what we mean, as well as we do when we say that the pyramids of Egypt are matter. Let us be content, therefore, to believe him to be a spirit, that is, an essence that we know nothing of, in which originally and necessarily reside all energy, all power, all capacity, all activity, all wisdom, all goodness.
** [[John Adams]], letter to Thomas Jefferson (17 January 1820)
** Often misquoted as &quot;God is an essence that we know nothing of&quot; and attached to part of another Adams letter to Jefferson (22 January 1825 — over five years later) on a different theological point, to form &quot;God is an essence we know nothing of. Until this awful blasphemy is gotten rid of there will never be any liberal science in the world.&quot; Misquotation cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }} and in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (May 19, 1821). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff.

* We think ourselves possessed, or, at least, we boast that we are so, of liberty of conscience on all subjects, and of the right of free inquiry and private judgment in all cases, and yet how far are we from these exalted privileges in fact! There exists, I believe, throughout the whole Christian world, a law which makes it blasphemy to deny or doubt the divine inspiration of all the books of the Old and New Testaments, from Genesis to Revelations. In most countries of Europe it is punished by fire at the stake, or the rack, or the wheel. In England itself it is punished by boring through the tongue with a red-hot poker. In America it is not better; even in our own Massachusetts, which I believe, upon the whole, is as temperate and moderate in religious zeal as most of the States, a law was made in the latter end of the last century, repealing the cruel punishments of the former laws, but substituting fine and imprisonment upon all those blasphemers upon any book of the Old Testament or New. Now, what free inquiry, when a writer must surely encounter the risk of fine or imprisonment for adducing any argument for investigating into the divine authority of those books? Who would run the risk of translating Dupuis? But I cannot enlarge upon this subject, though I have it much at heart. I think such laws a great embarrassment, great obstructions to the improvement of the human mind. Books that cannot bear examination, certainly ought not to be established as divine inspiration by penal laws. It is true, few persons appear desirous to put such laws in execution, and it is also true that some few persons are hardy enough to venture to depart from them. But as long as they continue in force as laws, the human mind must make an awkward and clumsy progress in its investigations. I wish they were repealed. The substance and essence of Christianity, as I understand it, is eternal and unchangeable, and will bear examination forever, but it has been mixed with extraneous ingredients, which I think will not bear examination, and they ought to be separated.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (January 23, 1825). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;607.

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the saviour of the world, your most joyous and venerated festival returns on this day? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the saviour? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the redeemer's mission on earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]], 4 July 1837 speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts.

* The law given from Sinai was a civil and municipal as well as a moral and religious code…
** [[John Quincy Adams]] ''Letters of John Quincy Adams to His Son on the Bible and its Teachings'' (Auburn: James M. Alden, 1850) letter V, p. 61.

* We must not only act politically, but in our politics act religiously, religiously in the sense of freedom, of which the one true expression is justice and love. Indeed, for us alone, who are called the enemies of the Christian religion, for us alone it is reserved, and even made the highest duty … really to exercise love, this highest commandment of [[Jesus|Christ]] and this only way to true Christianity.
** [[Mikhail Bakunin]], in [http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/bakunin/works/1842/reaction-germany.htm &quot;The Reaction in Germany&quot; (1842)], his first political writings, signed &quot;Jules Elysard.&quot; It was not until 1860 that Bakunin publicly adopted his famous stance of firm atheism, and vigorous rejection of traditional religious institutions.

* ''Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,&lt;br/&gt; with the cross of Jesus going on before.&lt;br/&gt; Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe;&lt;br/&gt; forward into battle see his banners go!&lt;br/&gt;''
**  Reverend [[Sabine Baring-Gould]], lyrics to ''[[w:Onward, Christian Soldiers|Onward, Christian Soldiers]]'' (1871).

* You are to accept as a Christian every one whose life and disposition are Christ-like, no matter how heretical the denomination may be to which he belongs.
** [[Henry Ward Beecher]], ''Life Thoughts'' (1858), p. 19.

* Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other masters. He begins his sermon [on the Mount] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the Essenes, and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the Neo-platonists... Every word of his sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic Buddhism.
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in  [[Isis Unveiled]]  Vol. 2, (1877)

* The Christian virtues inculcated by Jesus in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] are nowhere exemplified in the Christian world... Meanwhile the vices which coarse-mouthed slanderers have attributed to [[Paganism]], are current everywhere among Christian Fathers and Christian Churches.
* The light of Christianity has only served to show how much more hypocrisy and vice its teachings have begotten in the world since its advent, and how immensely superior were the ancients over us in every point of honor. 
* The clergy, by teaching the helplessness of man, his utter dependence on Providence, and the doctrine of atonement, have crushed in their faithful followers every atom of self-reliance and self-respect. So true is this, that it is becoming an axiom that the most honorable men are to be found among [[atheists]] and the so-called “infidels”.
* Let them [i.e. the Christian priests and leaders] pass on – we have devoted too much space to them and their conglomerate theology, already. We have weighed both in the balance of history, of logic, of truth, and found them wanting. Their system breeds atheism, nihilism, despair, and crime: its priests and preachers are unable to prove by works their reception of divine power. If both Church and priest could but pass out of the sight of the world as easily as their names do now from the eye of our reader, it would be a happy day for humanity.
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in  [[Isis Unveiled]]  Vol. 2, (1877)

* We can assert, with entire plausibility, that there is not one of all these sects — Kabalism, Judaism, and our present Christianity included — but sprung from the two main branches of that one mother-trunk, the once universal religion, which antedated the Vedaic ages — we speak of that prehistoric Buddhism which merged later into Brahmanism.&lt;BR&gt;The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of these two, Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its  moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary...  However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
** [[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]],  [[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]], Vol. II, Chapter III], (1877)

* When frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. 
** [[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]],  [[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]], Vol. II, Chapter III], (1877)

* As described in your catechisms, we reject them absolutely; least of all would we accept their eternity. But we believe firmly in what we call the Law of Retribution, and in the absolute justice and wisdom guiding this Law, or [[Karma]]. Hence we positively refuse to accept the cruel and unphilosophical belief in eternal reward or eternal punishment.   (After being asked if she believes the Christian dogmas of Paradise and Hell).
** [[H.P. Blavatsky]] in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/55618 ''The Key to Theosophy''] p. 87,  (1889)

* I say, the acknowledgment of God in Christ&lt;br&gt;Accepted by thy reason, solves for thee&lt;br&gt;All questions in the earth and out of it,&lt;br&gt;And has so far advanced thee to be wise.
** [[Robert Browning]], &quot;A Death in the Desert&quot;, stanza 21, The Complete Poetic and Dramatic Works of Robert Browning (1895), p. 390.

* I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.
** [[James Buchanan]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure... are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free government.
** [[w:Charles Carroll of Carrollton|Charles Carroll]], letter to James Mchenry, November 4, 1800.

* Since its introduction, human nature has made great progress, and society experienced great changes; and in this advanced condition of the world, Christianity, instead of losing its application and importance, is found to be more and more congenial and adapted to man's nature and wants. Men have outgrown the other institutions of that period when Christianity appeared, its philosophy, its modes of warfare, its policy, its public and private economy; but Christianity has never shrunk as intellect has opened, but has always kept in advance of men's faculties, and unfolded nobler views in proportion as they have ascended. The highest powers and affections which our nature has developed, find more than adequate objects in this religion. Christianity is indeed peculiarly fitted to the more improved stages of society, to the more delicate sensibilities of refined minds, and especially to that dissatisfaction with the present state, which always grows with the growth of our moral powers and affections.
** [[William Ellery Channing]] ''The Evidences of Revealed Religion'' 14 March 1812.

* Indeed it is evident that Christianity, however degraded and distorted by cruelty and intolerance, must always exert a modifying influence on men's passions, and protect them from the more violent forms of fanatical fever, as we are protected from smallpox by vaccination.
** [[Winston Churchill]], ''[[w:The Story of the Malakand Field Force|The Story of the Malakand Field Force]]'' (1898), Ch. III: &quot;The Outbreak&quot;.

* By further reflecting that the clearest evidence would be requisite to make any sane man believe in the miracles by which Christianity is supported,—that the more we know of the fixed laws of nature the more incredible do miracles become,—that the men at that time were ignorant and credulous to a degree almost incomprehensible by us,—that the Gospels cannot be proved to have been written simultaneously with the events,—that they differ in many important details, far too important as it seemed to me to be admitted as the usual inaccuracies of eye-witnesses;—by such reflections as these, which I give not as having the least novelty or value, but as they influenced me, I gradually came to disbelieve in Christianity as a divine revelation.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&amp;viewtype=text&amp;pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 86

* I can indeed hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished.&lt;br&gt;And this is a damnable doctrine.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1497&amp;viewtype=text&amp;pageseq=1 ''The Autobiography of Charles Darwin 1809-1882. With the Original Omissions Restored.'' (1958)] Edited and with appendix and notes by his grand-daughter [[w:Nora Barlow|Nora Barlow]]. Page 87

* I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae [wasps] with the express intention of their [larva] feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice.
** [[Charles Darwin]], [http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/ce/3/part10.html letter] to [[w:Asa Gray|Asa Gray]] (22&amp;nbsp;May 1860).

* Why, then, in the absence of all control over the subject of African slavery, are you agitated in relation to it? With Pharisaical pretension it is sometimes said it is a moral obligation to agitate, and I suppose they are going through a sort of vicarious repentance for other men's sins... Who gave them a right to decide that it is a sin? By what standard do they measure it? Not the Constitution; the Constitution recognizes the property in many forms, and imposes obligations in connection with that recognition. '''Not the Bible; that justifies it'''. Not the good of society; for if they go where it exists, they find that society recognizes it as good...
** [[Jefferson Davis]], [http://jeffersondavis.rice.edu/Content.aspx?id=80 Speech in Boston] (11 October 1858).

* The notion that [[slavery]] was beneficial to slaves was notably expressed by [[Jefferson Davis]] himself, in the posthumously published memoir he wrote at [[w:Beauvoir, (Biloxi Mississippi)|Beauvoir]]. Enslaved Africans sent to America were “enlightened by the rays of [[Christianity]],” he wrote, and “increased from a few unprofitable [[savages]] to millions of efficient Christian [[laborers]]. Their [[servile]] [[instincts]] rendered them contented with their lot....Never was there a [[happier]] [[dependence]] of labor and [[capital]] upon each other.”
** [[Jefferson Davis]], ''[[w:The Rise and Fall of the Confederate Government|The Rise and Fall of the Confederate Government]]'' (1881); as qtd. in Brian Palmer and Seth Freed Wessler, [https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/costs-confederacy-special-report-180970731/ “The Costs of the Confederacy”], ''Smithsonian'', (December 2018).

* REMEMBER! — It is christianity TO DO GOOD always — even to those who do evil to us. It is christianity to love our neighbour as ourself; and to do to all men as we would have them Do unto us. It is christianity to be gentle, merciful, and forgiving, and to keep those qualities quiet in our own hearts, and never make a boast of them, or of our prayers or of our love of God, but always to shew that we love Him by humbly trying to do right in everything.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord, Written for his own Children'' (1849), Chapter 11.

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner's part. That God's wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon 'the accursed tree,' than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father's business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29.

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form[.] … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15.

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13.

* The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence, from Jerusalem, of a lunatic asylum.
** [[Havelock Ellis]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Christianity, above all, consoles; but there are naturally happy souls who do not need consolation. Consequently, Christianity begins by making such souls unhappy, for otherwise it would have no power over them.
** [[André Gide]], journal entry, October 10, 1893.

* A Christian is God Almighty's gentleman: a gentleman, in the vulgar superficial way of understanding the word, is the Devil's Christian.
** [[w:Augustus William Hare|Augustus William Hare]] and [[w:Julius Charles Hare|Julius Charles Hare]] ''Guesses at Truth'' (1827).

* Christian faith is a grand cathedral, with divinely pictured windows. Standing without, you see no glory, nor can possibly imagine any; standing within, every ray of light reveals a harmony of unspeakable splendors.
** [[Nathaniel Hawthorne]], ''[[w:The Marble Faun|The Marble Faun]]'' (1860), Ch. XXXIII: &quot;Pictured Windows&quot;.

* There is in every village a torch: The schoolteacher. And an extinguisher: The priest.
** [[Victor Hugo]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* They believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]] on members of the clergy who sought to establish some form of &quot;official&quot; Christianity in the U.S. government. Letter to Dr. [[Benjamin Rush]] (September 23, 1800); The first portion of this statement has also been widely paraphrased as &quot;The clergy believe that any power confided in me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes, and they believe rightly.&quot;
** &lt;!-- NOTE : This has commonly been quoted as &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God Eternal, hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man&quot;, &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man&quot;, and &quot;I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.'''&quot; Neither capitalization of &quot;god&quot; and &quot;eternal&quot;, nor a comma before or after &quot;eternal&quot; are apparent in the original. [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/022/0400/0440.jpg Photograph of the original manuscript at the Library of Congress] - [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj090069)) LOC transcription] (though this transcription has a comma between god and eternal in there is no comma apparent in the photograph and where grammar might best place it remains ambiguous). --&gt;

* Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch...
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1781-1783), Query XVII

* The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable... Like  [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself... But he had not, like them, a [[Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. … According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33 years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3 years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible.... They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor.&lt;br&gt;Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. … His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to [[Benjamin Rush]] (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* If the Christian religion, as I understand it, or as you understand it, should maintain its ground, as I believe it will, yet Platonic, Pythagoric, Hindoo, and cabalistic Christianity, which is Catholic Christianity, and which has prevailed for 1,500 years, has received a mortal wound, of which the monster must finally die. Yet so strong is his constitution, that he may endure for centuries before he expires.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (July 16, 1814). From the [http://books.google.com/books?id=9G0vAAAAYAAJ&amp;dq=works%20of%20john%20adams%20%22volume%20x%22&amp;pg=PA100#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Works of John Adams, Vol. X], p.&amp;nbsp; 100.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all  The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of Plato, of Aristotle &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492.

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all  The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499.

* I may say Christianity itself divided into it's thousands also, who are disputing, anathematizing and where the laws permit burning and torturing one another for abstractions which no one of them understand, and which are indeed beyond the comprehension of the human mind[.]
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to George Loan (November 12, 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;43.

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill[.] … The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,[footnote: e.g. The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. —T.J.] invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which Priestley has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], October 31, 1819.  Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers [the authors of the Gospels], which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor. For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor.''' I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When Livy and Siculus, for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking,''' I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440.[http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html].

* His [Jesus'] object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by Moses. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]], August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440.[http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html].

* The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of Calvin.
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as Athanasius and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. '''They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of Mahomet. Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity''', who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian. '''I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests'''[.]
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243.

* The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]], April 11, 1823.[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml].

* I thank you, Sir, for the copy you were so kind as to send me of the revd. Mr. Bancroft's Unitarian sermons. I have read them with great satisfaction, and always rejoice in efforts to restore us to primitive Christianity, in all the simplicity in which it came from the lips of Jesus. Had it never been sophisticated by the subtleties of Commentators, nor paraphrased into meanings totally foreign to it's character, it would at this day have been the religion of the whole civilized world. But the metaphysical abstractions of Athanasius, and the maniac ravings of Calvin, tinctured plentifully with the foggy dreams of Plato, have so loaded it with absurdities and incomprehensibilities, as to drive into infidelity men who had not time, patience, or opportunity to strip it of it's meretricious trappings[.]
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John Davis (January 18, 1824). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;331–332.

* It is between fifty and sixty years since I read the Apocalypse, and I then considered it merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy, nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams. … what has no meaning admits no explanation.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Alexander Smyth|Alexander Smyth]], January 17, 1825.[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml].

* When I looked at the conduct of the whites who were called Christians, and saw them drunk, quarreling, and fighting, cheating the poor Indians, and acting as if there was no God, I was led to think there could be no truth in the white man's religion, and felt inclined to fall back again to my old superstitions.
** [[Peter Jones]] In [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Life_and_Journals_of_Keh-ke-wa-guo-n%C4%81-ba:_(Rev._Peter_Jones%2C)_Wesleyan_Missionary/Autobiography Life and Journals of Kah-ke-wa-quo-nā-by: (Rev. Peter Jones,) Wesleyan Missionary], quoted in: Rev. Ken Herfst ''[http://www.frcna.org/messenger/Archive.ASP?Issue=200405&amp;Article=1098711706 Peter Jones - Sacred Feathers - and the Mississauga Indians]'' Free Reformed Churches of North America Messenger, May 2004.

* '''The lost chord of Christianity is the doctrine of [[Reincarnation]].''' It was beyond doubt taught in the early days of the cult, for it was well known to the Jews who produced the men who founded Christianity. The greatest of all the Fathers of the Church--Origen--no doubt believed in the doctrine. He taught pre-existence and the wandering of the soul. This could hardly have been believed without also giving currency to reincarnation, as the soul could scarcely wander in any place save the earth. She was in exile from Paradise, and for sins committed had to revolve and wander. Wander where? would be the next question. Certainly away from Paradise, and the short span of human life would not meet the requirements of the case. But a series of reincarnations will meet all the problems of life as well as the necessities of the doctrines of exile, of wanderings for purification, of being known to God and being judged by him before birth, and of other dogmas given out among the Jews and of course well known to Jesus and whoever of the seventy-odd disciples were not in the deepest ignorance
** [[William Q. Judge]] in [https://www.blavatsky.net/index.php/reincarnation-in-judaism-and-the-bible ''Reincarnation In Judaism And The Bible''] (1894)

* The inquiring subject must be in one of two situations: either he must in faith be convinced of the truth of Christianity and his own relation to it, in which case all the rest cannot possibly be of infinite interest, since faith is precisely the infinite interest in Christianity and any other interest easily becomes a temptation; or he is not in a relationship of faith but is objectively in a relationship of observation and as such is not infinitely interested in deciding the question.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'', Hong, p. 21 (1846).

* Christianity is spirit; spirit is inwardness; inwardness is subjectivity, subjectivity is essentially passion, and at its maximum an infinite, personally interested passion for one’s eternal happiness. All decision, all essential decision, is rooted in subjectivity. As soon as subjectivity is taken away, and passion from subjectivity, and infinite interest from passion, there is no decision whatever, whether on this issue or any other. All decision, all essential decision, is rooted in subjectivity.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments'', Hong, p. 33 (1846).

* There is only one name in heaven and on earth, only one road, only one prototype. The person who chooses to follow Christ chooses the name that is about every name, the prototype that is supremely lifted up above all heavens, but yet at the same time is human in such a way that it can be the prototype for a human being, that it is named and shall be named in heaven and on earth, in both places, as the highest name. There are prototypes whose names are mentioned only on earth,, but the highest name, the one and only name, must of course have this excluding quality that in turn identifies it as the one and only name-that it is named both in heaven and on earth. This name is the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. But is it not then joyous to dare to choose to walk the same road he walked! Unfortunately, in the confused and confusing jargon of the world, whatever is simple and earnest almost sounds at times like a jest. The person who certainly has exercised the greatest power ever exercised in the world proudly calls himself Peter’s successor. But to be Christ’s follower! Indeed that does not tempt to pride; it is the equal opportunity for the mightiest and for the lowliest, for the wisest and the simplest-that is the blessedness of it.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'', 1847 Hong p. 225-226.

* '''I have never [[fought]] in such a way as to say: I am the [[true]] Christian, others are not Christians.''' No, my contention has been this: I [[know]] what Christianity is, my imperfection as a Christian I myself fully recognize — but I know what Christianity is. And to get this properly recognized must be, I should think, to every man’s interest, whether he be a Christian or not, whether his intention is to accept Christianity or to reject it. But '''I have attacked no one as not being a Christian, [[w:Christian Universalism|I have condemned no one]].'''
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], in [[w:The Point of View of My Work as an Author|''The Point of View of My Work as an Author'' (1848, 1851, 1859)]]

* Instead of giving the impression, in however small a degree, that there are such difficulties about Christianity that an apology for it is needed if men are to be persuaded to enter into it, rather to represent it as a thing so infinitely lofty, as in [[truth]] it is, that the apology belongs in another place, is required, that is to say, of us for the fact that we venture to call ourselves Christians, or it transforms itself into a contrite confession that we have God to thank if we merely assume to regard ourselves as a Christian. But neither must this ever be forgotten: '''Christianity is just as lenient as it is austere, just as lenient, that is to say, [[infinitely]] lenient. When the infinite requirement is heard and upheld, heard and upheld in all its infinitude, then ''[[grace]]'' is offered, or rather grace offers itself, and to it the individual, each for himself, as I also do, can flee for refuge.'''
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''The Point of View of My Work as an Author'' (1848, 1851, 1859).

* All Christian knowing, however rigorous its form, ought to be concerned, but this concern is precisely the upbuilding.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''The Sickness Unto Death'' (1849), Preface

* My earlier views on the unsoundness of the Christian scheme of salvation have become clearer and stronger with advancing years.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The real security of Christianity is to be found in its benevolent morality, in its exquisite adaptation to the human heart, in the facility with which its scheme accommodates itself to the capacity of every human intellect, in the consolation which it bears to every house of mourning, in the light with which it brightens the great mystery of the grave.
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] ''Edinburgh Review'' January 1830, review of [[Robert Southey|Southey's]] ''Colloquies on Society''.

* '''Are there no [[w:Moravian Church|Moravians]] in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom?'''
** [[Herman Melville]], ''[[w:White-Jacket|White-Jacket]]'' (1850), Chapter 64; this has often been quoted with modernized American spelling, rendering it ''&quot;to civilize civilization and christianize Christendom?&quot;''

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn't resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn't be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God's moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874).

* The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Gay Science,'' (1882), Section 130.

* In Christianity neither morality nor religion has even a single point of contact with reality.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The AntiChrist'' (1888), Section 15.

* The very word 'Christianity' is a misunderstanding — in truth, there was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The AntiChrist'' (1888), Section 39.

* I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great intrinsic depravity, the one great instinct for revenge for which no expedient is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, petty—I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] ''[[The Antichrist]]'' (1888) Section 62.

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801).

* Christianity does not consist in believing stories in the Old Testament, about Noah's curse and all that, but in loving your brother as yourself, and God with your whole heart.
** [[s:Theodore Parker|Theodore Parker]], [[s:To a Southern Slaveholder|&quot;To a Southern Slaveholder&quot;]] (2 February 1848).

* &quot;It is a refiner as well as a purifier of the heart; it imparts correctness of perception, delicacy of sentiment, and all those nicer shades of thought and feeling which constitute elegance of mind.&quot;
** [[Mrs. John Sanford]], ''The Lady's Manual of Moral and Intellectual Culture'' (1854) Causes of Female Influence.

* [E]ven while admitting the existence of the theological God, and the reality of his so discordant attributes which they impute to him, one can conclude nothing to authorize the conduct or the cult which one is prescribed to render him. … If he is infinitely good, what reason should we have to fear him? If he is infinitely wise, why should we have doubts concerning our future? If he knows all, why warn him of our needs and fatigue him with our prayers? If he is everywhere, why erect temples to him? If he is just, why fear that he will punish the creatures that he has, filled with weaknesses? If grace does everything for them, what reason would he have for recompensing them? If he is all-powerful, how offend him, how resist him? If he is reasonable, how can he be angry at the blind, to whom he has given the liberty of being unreasonable? If he is immovable, by what right do we pretend to make him change his decrees? If he is inconceivable, why occupy ourselves with him? IF HE HAS SPOKEN, WHY IS THE UNIVERSE NOT CONVINCED? If the knowledge of a God is the most necessary, why is it not the most evident and the clearest.
** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''[[s:The Necessity of Atheism|The Necessity of Atheism]]'' (1811).

* Madame de Staël thought it was pride in man to endevour to penetrate the secret of the universe; and speaking of the higher metaphysics she said: &quot;I prefer the Lord's Prayer to it all.&quot;
** [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël]], in Albertine-Adrienne Necker de Saussure, ''Sketch of the Life, Character and Writings of Baroness de Staël-Holstein'' (1820), p. 329
** Often misquoted as &quot;I desire no other evidence of the truth of Christianity than the Lord's Prayer&quot;.

* I can never acknowledge the right of [[slavery]]. '''I will bow down to no deity however worshipped by professing Christians — however dignified by the name of the Goddess of Liberty, whose footstool is the crushed necks of the groaning millions''', and who rejoices in the resoundings of the tyrant’s lash, and the cries of his tortured victims.
**[[Thaddeus Stevens]], letter (4 May 1838), quoted in ''Shapers of the Great Debate on the Civil War : A Biographical Dictionary'' (2005) by Dan Monroe and Bruce Tap, p. 255.

* There will soon be no more priests. Their work is done. They may wait awhile … perhaps a generation or two … dropping off by degrees. … A new order shall arise and they shall be the new priests of man, and every man shall be his own priest. The churches built under their umbrage shall be the churches of men and women. Through the divinity of themselves shall the kosmos and the new breed of poets be interpreters of men and women and of all events and things. They shall find their inspiration in real objects today, symptoms of the past and future. … They shall not deign to defend immorality or God or the perfection of things or liberty or the exquisite beauty and reality of the soul. They shall arise in America and be responded to from the remainder of the earth.
** [[Walt Whitman]], Preface to the first edition of ''[[Leaves of Grass]]'' (1855). Quoted in [[w:Susan Jacoby|Susan Jacoby]]'s ''Freethinkers: A History of American Secularism'', pp.&amp;nbsp;214–215.

* Yesterday a conversation about divinity and faith suggested to me a great, a stupendous idea to the realization of which I feel capable of dedicating my whole life. This is the idea—the founding of a new religion corresponding to the development of mankind: the religion of Christ, but purged of all dogma and mystery, a practical religion, not promising future bliss but realizing bliss on earth. I understand that to bring this idea to fulfillment the conscientious labor of generations toward this end will be necessary.
** [[Leo Tolstoy]], Journal Entry 1855, cited in ''Selected Essays'' (New York: 1964), p. v.

* The triumphs of Christianity rest this very hour upon slavery...
**[[w:John T. Wightman|John T. Wightman]], ''The Glory of God, the Defence of the South'' (1861), Yorkville, South Carolina.

* We teach and define that it is a dogma divinely revealed: that the Roman pontiff, when he speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in discharge of the office of pastor and doctor of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church, by the divine assistance promised him in blessed Peter, is possessed of that infallibility with which the divine Redeemer willed that his Church should be endowed for defining doctrine regarding faith and morals; and that therefore such definitions of the Roman pontiff are irreformable of themselves, and not from the consent of the Church.
** [[w:First Vatican Council|Vatican Council]], (24 April 1870).

* The primitive creative epoch in the history of Christianity was followed in the [[Middle Ages]] by a period especially characterized by the evolution of the consciousness of opposition between God and the world, priests and laity, church and state, and, in general, between the human spirit, on the one hand, and God, the human spirit itself and nature, on the other, and hence by the evolution of the sense of the limitation and bondage of man. The period of Modern Times, on the contrary, is marked, in the main, by the development of the consciousness of restored unity, and hence of the [[wiktionary:reconciliation#Noun|reconciliation]] and freedom of the human spirit. '''In the [[w:Church Fathers|patristic]] period, philosophic thought stands in the closest union with theological speculation, and co-operates in the development of Christian dogma. In the [[w:Scholasticism|Scholastic]] period it passes into the service of [[theology]], being employed merely to reduce to scientific form a body of dogmatic teaching''' for the most part already at hand, by introducing a logical arrangement and '''bringing to its support philosophical doctrines from ante-Christian antiquity.''' In Modern Philosophy it gradually acquires, with reference to Christian theology and ancient philosophy, the character of an independent science as regards both form and content.
** [[w:Friedrich Ueberweg|Friedrich Ueberweg]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=dgIvAAAAYAAJ A History of Philosophy: History of Ancient and Medieval Philosophy]'' (in German 1863–1866, English Tr. 1875) Tr. George S. Morris &amp; Noah Porter

* Christianity is the solace of the poor. Christ has ever been the poor man's Friend.
** [[Ellen G. White]] cited in ''The Signs of the Times'', [http://egwtext.whiteestate.org June 21, 1899], paragraph 7.

* Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone, from the last church, falls on the last priest.
** [[Émile Zola]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}


==The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'' and LDS Scriptures==

===The ''Book of Mormon'' (1830)===
* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether#Chapter Three|3:14]].

* And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Ether#Chapter Twelve|12:6]].

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Alma#Chapter Seven|7:10]].

* For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter Three|3:19]].

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. &lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Mormon#Chapter Nine|9:19–21]]

* For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Twenty-six|26:33]].

* Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord. Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph. Wherefore, I the Lord God will not suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old. Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none; For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts. Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes. For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/Jacob|Jacob]] [[s:Book of Mormon/Jacob#Chapter Two|2:24-30]].

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** [[Jesus]], The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/3 Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/3 Nephi#Chapter Nine|9:3–15]]

===Doctrine and Covenants (1835)===
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831).

* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[Jesus]], The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 93|93:21]].

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''Jesus Christ, whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant Joseph; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[Jesus]], speaking through [[Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July 1843 polygamy revelation on plural marriage and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of Smith's plural wives; The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The Doctrine and Covenants/Section 132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

===The Pearl of Great Price (1888)===
* … I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; and there were many great ones which were near unto it; And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest. … Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revolutions thereof; that one revolution was a day unto the Lord, after his manner of reckoning, it being one thousand years according to the time appointed unto that whereon thou standest. This is the reckoning of the Lord's time, according to the reckoning of Kolob.
** [[w:Abraham|Abraham]], The ''[[w:Pearl of Great Price|Pearl of Great Price]]'', [[s:Pearl of Great Price/Abraham|Abraham]] [[s:Pearl of Great Price/Abraham#Chapter 3|3:2–4]]. [God explains to Abraham that on a day of the star [[w:Kolob|Kolob]] is one thousand years on earth, and is the way God measures time.]

==The twentieth century==
* Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions:  first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem.  (Forward)
** [[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

* He has been for two thousand years the supreme Head of the Church Invisible, the Spiritual Hierarchy, composed of the disciples of all faiths. He recognises and loves those who are not Christian but who retain their allegiance to their Founders – the Buddha, Mohammed and others. He cares not what the faith is, if the objective is love of God and of humanity. If men look for the Christ Who left His disciples centuries ago, they will fail to recognise the Chirst Who is in the process of returning. The Christ has no religious barriers in His consciousness. It matters not to Him of what faith a man may call himself.&lt;BR&gt; The Son of God is on His way, and He cometh not alone. His advance guard is already here, and the Plan which they must follow, is already made clear. Let recognition be the aim. 
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 60

* He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

* In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
** [[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* Christianity has operated with an unmitigated arrogance and cruelty -- necessarily, since a religion ordinarily imposes on those who have discovered the true faith the spiritual duty of liberating the infidels.
** [[James Baldwin]], &quot;Letter from a Region in My Mind,&quot;  ''The New Yorker'' (17 November 1962), republished as &quot;Down at the Cross: Letter from a Region in My Mind&quot; in ''The Fire Next Time'' (1963).

* I have said it many a time, and am surer of it than ever, that the life and death issue of [[Christianity]] is the inspiration and authority of the Bible.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''[http://www.pwmi.org/christianfaith/ourbible.asp Our Bible: The Most Critical Issue]'' (1991).

* '''Our Christian conviction is that Christ is also the messiah of Israel.''' Certainly it is in the [[hands]] of [[God]] how and when the unification of [[Jews]] and Christians into the [[people]] of God will take place.
** [[Pope Benedict XVI]], &quot;God and the World&quot;, as reported by ''National Catholic Reporter'' (October 2000)

* There seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine...  It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn [[compassion]], learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
** [[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''  (May, June, and July 1909)

* To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own...  By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
** [[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

* '''Christian''', n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''[[w:Devil's Dictionary|Devil's Dictionary]]'' (1911).

* '''Should the church be trying to erect a spiritual reign of terror over people by threatening earthly and eternal punishment on its own authority and commanding everything a person must believe and do to be saved?''' Should the church's word bring new tyranny and violent abuse to human souls? It may be that some people yearn for such servitude. But could the church ever serve such a longing? &lt;br&gt; '''When holy scripture speaks of following [[Jesus]], it proclaims that people are free from all human rules, from everything which presumes, burdens, or causes worry and torment of conscience.''' In following Jesus, people are released from the hard yoke of their own laws to be under the gentle yoke of Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]. … '''Jesus' commandment never wishes to destroy life, but rather to preserve, strengthen, and heal life.'''
** [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''[[w:The Cost of Discipleship|Discipleship]]'' (1937), &quot;Preface&quot;, as translated by Barbara Green and Reihhard Krauss (2001). &lt;!-- Edited by Geffrey B. Kelly and John D. Godsey. --&gt;

* Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free.
** [[Pat Buchanan]] speech to the Christian Coalition quoted in ''New York Times'' 12 September 1993 p. 37.

* Contemporary Christian proclamation is faced with the question whether, when it demands faith from men and women, it expects them to acknowledge this mythical world picture from the past. If this is impossible, it has to face the question whether the New Testament proclamation has a truth that is independent of the mythical world picture, in which case '''it would be the task of theology to [[Demythologization|demythologize]] the Christian proclamation'''.
** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], ''New Testament and Mythology and Other Basic Writings'' (1984), p. 3.

* Can the Christian proclamation today expect men and women to acknowledge the mythical world picture as true? To do so would be both pointless and impossible. It would be pointless because there is nothing specifically Christian about the mythical world picture, which is simply the world picture of a time now past which was not yet formed by scientific thinking. It would be impossible because no one can appropriate a world picture by sheer resolve, since it is already given with one’s historical situation. … We cannot use electric lights and radios and, in the event of illness, avail ourselves of modern medical and clinical means and at the same time believe in the spirit and wonder world of the New Testament.
** [[Rudolf Bultmann]], ''New Testament and Mythology and Other Basic Writings'' (1984), p. 4.

* My own case for Christianity is rational; but it is not simple. It is an accumulation of varied facts, like the attitude of the ordinary [[Agnosticism|agnostic]]. But '''the ordinary agnostic has got his facts all wrong. He is a non-believer for a multitude of reasons; but they are untrue reasons. He doubts because the Middle Ages were barbaric, but they weren't'''; because [[Darwinism]] is demonstrated, but it isn't; because miracles do not happen, but they do; because monks were lazy, but they were very industrious; because nuns are unhappy, but they are particularly cheerful; because Christian art was sad and pale, but it was picked out in peculiarly bright colours and gay with gold; because modern science is moving away from the supernatural, but it isn't, it is moving towards the supernatural with the rapidity of a railway train.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=p7UEAQAAIAAJ ''Orthodoxy''] (1909), p. 277.

* No two ideals could be more opposite than a Christian saint in a Gothic cathedral and a Buddhist saint in a Chinese temple. The opposition exists at every point; but perhaps the shortest statement of it is that the Buddhist saint always has his eyes shut, while the Christian saint always has them very wide open. The Buddhist saint always has a very sleek and harmonious body, but his eyes are heavy and sealed with sleep. '''The medieval saint's body is wasted to its crazy bones, but his eyes are frightfully alive.''' There cannot be any real community of spirit between forces that produced symbols so different as that.&lt;!--p.243--&gt;
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''Orthodoxy'' (1909)

* The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]] ''What's Wrong With The World'' (1910) Part One: The Homelessness Of Man, Chapter 5 : The Unfinished Temple.

* Oppressed and oppressors cannot possibly mean the same thing when they speak of God. The God of the oppressed is a God of revolution who breaks the chains of slavery. The oppressors' God is a God of slavery and must be destroyed along with the oppressors.
** [[James Cone]], ''A Black Theology of Liberation'' (1970), p. 61

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence.
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986)

* Jewish persecution only followed after Christians first were persecuted.
** American Catholic priest [[w:Charles Coughlin|Charles Coughlin]]'s radio address following the Nazi [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]] attack on German Jews, November 20, 1938. In New York, on December 18, 1938, two thousand followers of Coughlin chanted in protest against a potential U.S. [[w:Right of asylum|asylum law]]:&lt;blockquote&gt;Send Jews back where they came from in leaky boats!&lt;br/&gt; Wait until Hitler comes over here!&lt;/blockquote&gt;

* On this earth you must belong to the church militant or get the hell out of it. That's the right word. You're either with me or against me' There is no middle ground in this battle between Christ and the anti-Christ. If you step out of (the battle), you're worse than those boys who ran off to Norway, Sweden, those boys who deserted the government. You're deserters, rotten deserters.
** American Catholic priest [[w:Charles Coughlin|Charles Coughlin]] (1973) [Citation Needed]

* It is in Christianity that our arts have developed; it is in Christianity that the laws of Europe have—until recently—been rooted. It is against a background of Christianity that all our thought has significance. An individual European may not believe that the Christian Faith is true, and yet what he says, and makes, and does, will all spring out of his heritage of Christian culture and depend upon that culture for its meaning. Only a Christian could have reproduced a Voltaire or a Nietzsche. I do not believe that the culture of Europe could survive the complete disappearance of the Christian Faith.
** [[T.S. Eliot]], ''Notes Towards the Definition of Culture'' (1948)

* The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], Sermon (4 July 1976).

* I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!
** [[Jerry Falwell]], ''America Can Be Saved!'' (1979) [[w:Sword of the Lord|Sword of the Lord Publishers]], Murfreesboro, Tennessee, pp. 52–53, quoted at [http://www.theocracywatch.org/schools2.htm &quot;The Rise of the Religious Right in the Republican Party&quot;]

* No one is without Christianity, if we agree on what we mean by the word. It is every individual's individual code of behavior by means of which he makes himself a better human being than his nature wants to be, if he followed his nature only.
** [[William Faulkner]], interview, ''Writers at Work: First Series'' (1958).

* I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The [[materialism]] of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time.
** [[Mohandas Gandhi]] as quoted by William Rees-Mogg in ''The Times'' [London] (4 April 2005). Gandhi here makes reference to a statement of Jesus: &quot;No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.&quot; (Luke 16:13).

* Nearly all the Latin Fathers are Africans - Tertullian of Carthage, the Numid Arnobius of Sicca and his pupil Lactantius, Saint Cyprian of Carthage, the African Marius Victorinus, the Berber Saint Augustine, in short, all this glorious vanguard of Latin patristic culture. What splendid gifts these were from Africa to the Church of Rome while the latter had only the works of Saint Ambrose and of Saint Jerome to put in the Balance!
** [[:w:Etienne Gilson|Etienne Gilson]], ''The Philosopher and Theology'' (1960), Random House New York, 1962, pp.195-196. ''[[:w:Catholic World|Catholic World]]'', Volumes 175-176 ([[w:Paulist Fathers|Paulist Fathers]], 1952, p. 376) put it thus:&lt;blockquote&gt;The whole of North Africa was a glory of Christendom with St. Augustine, himself a Berber, its chief ornament.&lt;/blockquote&gt;

* Christianity is most admirably adapted to the training of slaves, to the perpetuation of a slave society; in short, to the very conditions confronting us to-day. … The rulers of the earth have realized long ago what potent poison inheres in the Christian religion. That is the reason they foster it; that is why they leave nothing undone to instill it into the blood of the people. They know only too well that the subtleness of the Christian teachings is a more powerful protection against rebellion and discontent than the club or the gun.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''The Failure of Christianity'' (1913).

* Everywhere and always, since its very inception, Christianity has turned the earth into a vale of tears; always it has made of life a weak, diseased thing, always it has instilled fear in man, turning him into a dual being, whose life energies are spent in the struggle between body and soul. In decrying the body as something evil, the flesh as the tempter to everything that is sinful, man has mutilated his being in the vain attempt to keep his soul pure, while his body rotted away from the injuries and tortures inflicted upon it. &lt;br/&gt; The Christian religion and morality extols the glory of the Hereafter, and therefore remains indifferent to the horrors of the earth. Indeed, the idea of self-denial and of all that makes for pain and sorrow is its test of human worth, its passport to the entry into heaven.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''The Failure of Christianity'' (1913).

* You just come to them and look them straight in the eye and say, &quot;Yes brother, I'm washed in the same blood as you.&quot; It all comes in the blood—you hear all these sayings &quot;power in the blood,&quot; &quot;are you washed in the blood,&quot; it's a very bloody religion.
** [[w:Marjoe Gortner|Marjoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:Marjoe|Marjoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Discernable differences can be found in writings from various Christian traditions; great theologians or historical movements establish patterns that persist. Examples: the use of natural law in the Roman Catholic tradition; the distinction between law and gospel and between the heavenly and earthly realms in the Lutheran tradition; the emphasis on following Christ as he is portrayed in the Gospels and on rigorous obedience to his teachings in the Radical Reformation; [and] the marked mystical aspects of ethics in the Eastern Orthodox tradition.
** Gustafson J. 1986. Christian ethics. In: J. Childress &amp; J. Macquarrie (Eds.), “The Westminster dictionary of Christian ethics (2nd ed., pp. 87-90). Philadelphia: The Westminster Press. p. 89

* Christian mythology incorporated the cosmological theories current eighteen centuries ago. Dante found it a slight strain to combine this mythology with the facts known in his own day. Milton found it harder. Mr. Lewis finds it impossible.
** [[J. B. S. Haldane]], [http://www.solcon.nl/arendsmilde/cslewis/reflections/e-haldane.htm review] of [[w:C. S. Lewis|C. S. Lewis]]'s ''[[w:Space Trilogy|Space Trilogy]]'' (1946).

* The very basis of the Judeo-Christian code is injustice, the scapegoat system. The scapegoat sacrifice runs all through the Old Testament, then it reaches its height in the New Testament with the notion of the Martyred Redeemer. How can justice possibly be served by loading your sins on another? Whether it be a lamb having its throat cut ritually, or a Messiah nailed to a cross and 'dying for your sins.' Somebody should tell all of Yahweh's followers, Jews and Christians, that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Job, A Comedy of Justice|Job: A Comedy of Justice]]'' (1984), ch. 27, New York: Del Rey, {{ISBN|9780345313577}}.

* You see, it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the religion of the [[Japan]]ese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? '''The [[Islam|Mohammedan religion]] too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?'''
** [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'' by Albert Speer, p. 115.

* The victorious course of Christianity since Nicaea and especially since Augustine, which was not unlike the expansion of Buddhism since the reign of Asoka, sealed its pact with that worldly wisdom which it had originally professed to renounce. Its readiness for fanaticism, without which its ascendancy would have been unstable, testified to a secret and indomitable hatred for that attitude of mind for which its founder had earlier been put to death.
** [[Max Horkheimer]], “Theism and Atheism” (1963), in ''Critique of Instrumental Reason'' (1974).

* It is almost as much the duty of a Christian to be loved as to love.
** [[w:Caryll Houselander|Caryll Houselander]], ''The Reed of God'' (London: Sheed &amp; Ward, 1944), p. 73.

* [[Humanity]] in the [[past]] did certain things which fill us with [[horror]]. But on the other hand we are doing things now which would have filled humanity in the past with equal horror. If to us [[medieval]] ''intolerance'' causes creeps down the back, surely the ''tolerance'' of modern times, with the indifferentism inseparably bound up with it, would also have caused creeps down the back of the medieval. '''The notion that the existence of God, the truth of Christianity and the teaching authority of the Church should be a matter of hesitation or doubt, would have made any average medieval turn in his grave.''' To him these truths were as clear as the sun at noonday; so much so that '''any man who called them into question must be either hopelessly insane or hopelessly wicked.'''
** Ernest R. Hull, ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=Z3A9AQAAMAAJ The Psychology of Medieval Persecution: Some Novels for Catholic Readers]'' (1918) pp. 60-61

* Why should it be taken for granted that the men who devoted their lives to the liberation of their fellow-men should have been hissed at in the hour of death by the snakes of conscience, while men who defended slavery, practiced polygamy, justified the stealing of babes from the breasts of mothers, and lashed the naked hack of unpaid labor are supposed to have passed smilingly from earth to the embraces of the angels? Why should we think that the brave thinkers, the investigators, the honest men, must have left the crumbling shore of time in dread and fear, while the instigators of the massacre of St. Bartholomew; the inventors and users of thumbscrews, of iron boots and racks; the burners and tearers of human flesh; the stealers, the whippers and the enslavers of men; the buyers and beaters of maidens, mothers, and babes; the founders of the Inquisition; the makers of chains; the builders of dungeons; the calumniators of the living; the slanderers of the dead, and even the murderers of Jesus Christ, all died in the odor of sanctity, with white, forgiven hands folded upon the breasts of peace, while the destroyers of prejudice, the apostles of humanity, the soldiers of liberty, the breakers of fetters, the creators of light, died surrounded by the fierce fiends of God?
** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/38803/38803-h/38803-h.htm#link0006 &quot;The Great Infidels&quot;] (1881), collected in ''The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll'' vol. III (1900).

* One hundred years after Christ had died suppose someone had asked a Christian, What hospitals have you built? What asylums have you founded? They would have said &quot;None.&quot; Suppose three hundred years after the death of Christ the same questions had been asked the Christian, he would have said &quot;None, not one.&quot; Two hundred years more and the answer would have been the same. And at that time the Christian could have told the questioner that the Mohammedans had built asylums before the Christians. He could also have told him that there had been orphan asylums in China for hundreds and hundreds of years, hospitals in India, and hospitals for the sick at Athens.
** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/38811/38811-h/38811-h.htm#link0039 &quot;What Infidels Have Done&quot;], collected in ''The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll'' vol. XI (1902)
** Ingersoll's account is historically inaccurate. The earliest Christian hospitals date back to the 4th century, shortly after Christianity ceased to be a persecuted, underground religion. Before that, as ''The Oxford Handbook of Late Antiquity'' (2012, p. 727) notes, &quot;With the exception … of the Roman ''valetudinaria'' [military hospitals] - specialized in function, immensely different in character from later Christian hospitals, and long defunct by the time of the first Christian hospitals - there were probably no hospitals at all in the Mediterranean world or the Middle East.&quot;

* When [Jesus] executes judgment over the world at Armageddon, he will destroy all but the faithful Jehovah's witnesses. [Jesus  is then shown hurling fireballs that destroy New York City, breaking dams, causing fires, and murdering many people, including children]. Jesus, alias [[w:Archangel Michael|Michael]], will always remain invisible to those on earth, and can be seen only by the 144,000 select Jehovah's witnesses who rule with Him from heaven.
** From a [[w:Jehovah's Witness|Jehovah's Witness]]'s [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeXCQ6CrgjA cartoon] explaining Jesus.

* It is forecast that the Master Jesus will yet occupy the chair of the Pope of Rome, and that from that seat he will then be able to re-inspire and re-orient the whole field of Christian religion, diverting it from its present political and temporal trends, towards a more spiritual approach. 
** [[Aart Juriaanse|Aart Jurriaanse]] in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_ajJesus.htm The Master Jesus, ''Share International'']  Excerpted from the book Bridges by Aart Jurriaanse, ISBN 3-929345-11-0  (April 1999)

* The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ.
** [[w:D. James Kennedy|James Kennedy]] ''Education: Public Problems and Private Solutions'' (Coral Ridge Ministries 1993).

* The Bible refers to Christians as “children of light” (Eph. 5:8).  We are individuals, but the Bible never refers to a “child of light.”  We are all members of one body.  As we “zip” along together as little Christian “photons,” we are a wave of light, children of light, who can make a real difference in this dark world. 
** Dr. James I. Lamb, [http://www.lcms.org/Document.fdoc?src=lcm&amp;id=526 “Children of Light”], January, 1999 issue of The Lutheran Witness, p.1

* It can be expected that the orthodox Christian will at first reject the theories about the Christ which occultism presents; at the same time, this same orthodox Christian will find it increasingly difficult to induce the intelligent masses of people to accept the impossible Deity and the feeble [[Christ]], which historical [[Christianity]] has endorsed. A Christ Who is present and living, Who is known to those who follow Him, Who is a strong and able executive, and not a sweet and sentimental sufferer, Who has never left us but Who has worked for two thousand years through the medium of His disciples, the inspired men and women of all faiths, all religions, and all religious persuasions; Who has no use for fanaticism or hysterical devotion, but Who loves all men persistently, intelligently and optimistically, Who sees divinity in them all, and Who comprehends the techniques of the evolutionary development of the human consciousness (mental, emotional and physical, producing civilisations and cultures appropriate to a particular point in evolution) – these ideas the intelligent public can and will accept.
** The Tibetan Master, [[w:Djwhal Khul|Djwhal Khul]], in  [[Alice_Bailey#The_Externalization_of_the_Hierarchy_(1957)|''The Externalization of the Hierarchy'']], p. 589/90, (1957) 

* Yes, religion and politics do mix. America is a nation based on biblical principles. Christian values dominate our government. The test of those values is the Bible. Politicians who do not use the bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office.
** [[w:Beverly LaHaye|Beverly LaHaye]] quoted in ''Watch the Right: The Amazing Rise of Beverly LaHaye'' by Connie Page ''Ms.'' magazine, (February 1987).

* What is now called Christianity was undoubtedly a magnificent conception as [[Maitreya|He]] originally taught it, sadly as it has fallen away from that high level in the hands of ignorant exponents since. It must not be assumed, of course, that the teaching of brotherly and neighbourly love was new in the world. As [[St. Augustine]] said in His book ''De Civitate Dei'', &lt;BR&gt;''The identical thing that we now call the Christian religion existed among the ancients, and has not been lacking from the beginnings of the human race until the coming of Christ in the flesh, from which moment on the true religion, which already existed, began to be called Christian...''&lt;BR&gt; What is now called Christianity was undoubtedly a magnificent conception as He originally taught it, sadly as it has fallen away from that high level in the hands of ignorant exponents since.  
** [[C.W. Leadbeater]], [[The Masters and the Path|''The Masters and the Path'']] (1925)  p. 298

* Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first — rock and roll or Christianity.
** [[John Lennon]], as quoted in ''The Evening Standard'' (London, 4 March 1966).
** After a controversy arose surrounding this remark, Lennon stated it had been taken out of context.

* My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* '''We are told that Christ was killed for us, that His death has washed out our sins, and that by dying He has disabled death itself. That is the formula. That is Christianity. That is what has to be believed.'''
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic—on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg—or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] in ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952).

* I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
** [[C.S. Lewis]] ''The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses'' (New York: HarperCollins, 1976) p. 140.

* Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.
** [[C.S. Lewis]] ''God in the Dock'' (1994) p. 101.

* The disciple Jesus of 2,000 years ago has by now become one of the most senior Masters in the Hierarchy: the Master Jesus... No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment... He will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings...With the emergence of Maitreya, the Master Jesus is playing a major role for the second time, as also are the Apostles Peter and John.... open collaboration, which will be visible to all, will end any lingering doubts concerning the true relationship between Maitreya the Christ and his disciple, the Master Jesus.
** [https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in ''Maitreya the Christ'',] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953).

* No egoism is so insufferable as that of the Christian with regard to his soul.
** [[William Somerset Maugham]], ''A Writer's Notebook'' (1949), entry for 1901.

* Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between Communistic Atheism and Christianity.
** [[Joseph McCarthy]] speech at Wheeling, West Virginia (9 February 1950).

* The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians. They really do not believe in it and hence are hypocrites. All of them pant for money and hope to collar it by changing the rules. This fundamental false pretense colors their whole propaganda. They have no more sense of honor than so many congressmen and engage constantly in wholesale lying.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''Mr. Mencken Sounds Off,'' in ''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]],'' August 5, 1946, p. 51

* All the branches of Christianity suffer by the fact that they seem to be unable to take in the greatest contribution of the modern world to ethical theory, to wit, the concept of a moral obligation to be intelligent.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''The Gist of Mencken'' (1990), p. 295.

* I am going to tell you something, Pedro, which may surprise you, though you are also a cardinal, and being a cardinal myself. I have spent all my life here in the [[w:Roman Curia|Roman Curia]] and I believe I have the authority to tell you this. Having spent twenty-two years at the [[w:Holy Office|Holy Office]], and been [[w:Cardinal Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] during an entire pontificate, I have reached the following conclusion. There are two elements to the Church, the divine and the human. As for the divine aspect, I have tried to do what little I could; I would give my life for it a thousand times over. But as for its human side, my dear Pedro, how miserable it is. Nevertheless, we must carry on if that is God's will.
** Cardinal [[w:Rafael Merry del Val|Rafael Merry del Val]], a few days before his death in 1930, to Cardinal [[w:Pedro Segura y Sáenz|Pedro Segura y Sáenz]], quoted in Leopoldo Duran, ''Graham Greene: Friend and Brother'' (1994), p. 103.

* I have known many Christians—Poles, Frenchman, Spaniards—who were strict Stalinists in the field of politics but who retained certain inner reservations, believing God would make corrections once the bloody sentences of the all-mighties of History were carried out. They pushed their reasoning rather far. They argue that history develops according to immutable laws that exist by the will of God; one of these laws is the class struggle; the twentieth century marks the victory of the proletariat, which is led in its struggle by the Communist Party; Stalin, the leader of the Communist Party, fulfils the law of history or in other words acts by the will of God, therefore one must obey him. Mankind can be renewed only on the Russian pattern; that is why no Christian can oppose the one—cruel, it is true—idea which will create a new kind of man over the entire planet. Such reasoning is often used by clerics who are party tools. &quot;Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!&quot; said [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], the [[w:Romania|Rumanian]] patriarch.
** [[Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953).

* Examine the history of Christianity. Professing the salvation of humankind, Christianity has expanded through a tumultuous history of two thousand years, extending its influence throughout the world in the present era. Yet what has become of the Christian spirit that once cast flames of life so brilliant that, despite the most brutal persecution by the Roman empire, Roman citizens were brought to their knees before the crucified Jesus? Medieval feudal society buried Christianity alive. Even though the Reformation raised high the torch of new life, its flame could not turn back the sweeping tide of darkness. When ecclesiastic love waned, when waves of capitalistic greed surged across Christian Europe, when starving masses cried out bitterly in the slums, the promise of their salvation came not from heaven but from the earth. Its name was communism. Christianity, though it professed the love of God, had degenerated into a dead body of clergy trailing empty slogans. It was then only natural that a banner of rebellion would be raised, arguing that a merciless God who would allow such suffering could not exist. Hence, modern [[materialism]] was born. Western society became a hotbed of materialism; it was the fertile soil in which communism flourished. Christianity lost the ability to equal the successes of either communism or materialism and failed to present the truth that could conquer their theories. Christians watched helplessly as these ideologies budded and thrived in their midst and expanded their influence all over the world. What a pity this is! What is more, although Christian doctrine teaches that all humanity descended from the same parents, many citizens of Christian nations who profess this doctrine will not even sit together with their brothers and sisters of different skin colors. This illustrates the actual situation of today's Christianity, which has lost much of the power to put the words of Jesus into practice. It has become a house of lifeless rituals, a whitewashed tomb.
**[[Sun Myung Moon]], ''[[Divine Principle]]'', 1974.

* ''Some fools in the desert&lt;br/&gt; With nothing else to do&lt;br/&gt; So scared of the dark&lt;br/&gt; They didn't know if they were coming or goin&lt;br/&gt; So they invented me&lt;br/&gt; And they invented You&lt;br/&gt; And other fools keep it all going&lt;br/&gt; And growing&lt;br/&gt;''
** ''[http://www.randynewman.com/tocdiscography/disc_faust/lyricsfaust/ Glory Train]'' (sung by God), in ''Faust'' ([[1996]]). [[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church's public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship, just as they were in ancient Israel.
** [[Gary North (economist)|Gary North]] ''Political Polytheism'' (1989).

* As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents.
** [[George Orwell]], ''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]'', Ch. 11.

* But Christian  parents  must  also understand that they are not  only to propagate and preserve the human race on earth, indeed not only to educate any kind of worshipers of the true God, but children  who  are to become members of the Church of Christ, to raise up fellow-citizens of the Saints,  and members of God's household, that  the worshipers of God and Our Savior  may daily increase. &lt;br&gt; For although Christian spouses even if sanctified themselves cannot transmit sanctification to their progeny, nay, although the very natural process of generating life has become the way of death by which original sin is passed on to posterity, nevertheless, they share to some extent in the blessings of that primeval marriage of Paradise, since  it  is  theirs  to offer their offspring to the Church in order that  by  this most fruitful Mother of the children of God they may be regenerated through the laver of Baptism unto supernatural justice and finally  be made living members of Christ, partakers of immortal life, and heirs of that eternal glory to which we all aspire from our inmost heart.
** [[Pope Pius XI]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20070328092812/http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii &quot;Casti Connubii: Encyclical of Pope Pius XI on Christian Marriage, December 31, 1930&quot;], ''The Vatican'',  “II. BLESSINGS AND BENEFITS OF MATRIMONY”, n.4-5 Archived from [http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii the original] on March 28, 2007. Retrieved 2006-10-01.

* Christianity really says only one thing: that the infinite incomprehensibility which we call God exists, that we submit to it unconditionally as our own perfection, and that the acceptance of this submission has received a historical and unconditional guarantee in Jesus.
** [[Karl Rahner]] and [[w:de:Karl-Heinz Weger|Karl-Heinz Weger]], ''Our Christian Faith'', translated by Francis McDonagh (London: Burns &amp; Oates, 1980), p. 14. 

* The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be appreciated as stupendous achievements of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] experience has taught me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the legend of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 167-168.

* You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense! I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.
** [[Pat Robertson]] ''The 700 Club'' (14 January 1991).

* Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.&quot;
** [[Pat Robertson]] interview with [[Molly Ivins]], ''Fort Worth Star-Telegram'', September 14, 1993.

* By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27)
** [[Helena Roerich]]  ''Letters II,'' (2 April 1936)

* I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]] ''Why I Am Not a Christian'' (6 March 1927).

* The Spaniards in Mexico and Peru used to baptize Indian infants and then immediately dash their brains out: by this means they secured these infants went to Heaven.
** [[Bertrand Russell]] ''Why I Am Not a Christian'' (6 March 1927).

* So far as I can remember, there's not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;.

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. I must say that I think all this doctrine, that hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty. It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put Buddha and Socrates above Him in those respects.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* That is the idea—that we should all be wicked if we did not hold to the Christian religion. It seems to me that the people who have held to it have been for the most part extremely wicked. You find this curious fact, that the more intense has been the religion of any period and the more profound has been the dogmatic belief, the greater has been the cruelty and the worse has been the state of affairs. In the so-called Ages of faith, when men really did believe the Christian religion in all its completeness, there was the Inquisition, with all its tortures; there were millions of unfortunate women burned as witches; and there was every kind of cruelty practiced upon all sorts of people in the name of religion. &lt;br/&gt; You find as you look around the world that every single bit of progress of humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the diminution of war, every step toward better treatment of the colored races, or ever mitigation of slavery, every moral progress that there has been in the world, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world. I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world. … &lt;br/&gt; You may think that I am going too far when I say that that is still so, I do not think that I am. Take one fact. You will bear with me if I mention it. It is not a pleasant fact, but the churches compel one to mention facts that are not pleasant. Supposing that in this world that we live in today an inexperienced girl is married to a syphilitic man, in that case the Catholic Church says, &quot;This is an indissoluble sacrament. You must stay together for life,&quot; and no steps of any sort must be taken by that woman to prevent herself from giving birth to syphilitic children. This is what the Catholic church says. I say that that is fiendish cruelty, and nobody whose natural sympathies have not been warped by dogma, or whose moral nature was not absolutely dead to all sense of suffering, could maintain that it is right and proper that that state of things should continue. &lt;br/&gt; That is only an example. There are a great many ways in which at the present moment the church, by its insistence upon what it chooses to call morality, inflicts upon all sorts of people undeserved and unnecessary suffering.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. Fear is the basis of the whole thing—fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand-in-hand. It is because fear is at the basis of those two things. In this world we can now begin a little to understand things, and a little to master them by the help of science, which has forced its way step by step against the Christian religion, against the churches, and against the opposition of all the old precepts. Science can help us to get over this craven fear in which mankind has lived for so many generations.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* The whole conception of a God is a conception derived from the ancient oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men. When you hear people in church debasing themselves and saying that they are miserable sinners, and all the rest of it, it seems contemptible and not worthy of self-respecting human beings. We ought to stand up and look the world frankly in the face. We ought to make the best we can of the world, and if it is not so good as we wish, after all it will still be better than what these others have made of it in all these ages. A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (March 6, 1927) [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/russell0.htm].

* Christianity offers reasons for not fearing death or the universe, and in so doing it fails to teach adequately the virtue of courage. The craving for religious faith being largely an outcome of fear, the advocates of faith tend to think that certain kinds of fear are not to be deprecated. In this, to my mind, they are gravely mistaken. To allow oneself to entertain pleasant beliefs as a means of avoiding fear is not to live in the best way. In so far as religion makes its appeal to fear, it is lowering to human dignity.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Education and the Social Order'' (1932), p. 112.

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind.

* The true Christian is in all countries a pilgrim and a stranger.
** [[George Santayana]], ''Winds of Doctrine'' (1913).

* Atheistic secular humanists should be removed from office and Christians should be elected... Government and true Christianity are inseparable.
** [[Robert Simonds]], ''How to Elect Christians to Public Office'' (1996).

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning [[Jesus]], we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;.

* If the resurrection of Jesus cannot be believed except by assenting to the fantastic descriptions included in the Gospels, then Christianity is doomed. For that view of resurrection is not believable, and if that is all there is, then Christianity, which depends upon the truth and authenticity of Jesus' resurrection, also is not believable.
** Bishop [[w:John Shelby Spong|John Shelby Spong]], ''Resurrection: Myth or Reality?'' (San Fransisco: HarperCollins, 1994), p. 238.

* '''Going to church on Sunday does not make you a Christian any more than going into a garage makes you an automobile!'''
** [[Billy Sunday]] in ''Press, Radio, Television, Periodicals, Public Relations, and Advertising, As Seen through Institutes and Special Occasions of the Henry W. Grady School of Journalism'' (1967) edited by John Eldridge Drewry.

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title =  Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''Poetry is religion, religion is poetry. The message of the New Testament is poetry.''' [[Jesus|Christ]] was a poet, the New Testament is metaphor, the Resurrection is a metaphor; and I feel perfectly within my rights in approaching my whole vocation as priest and preacher as one who is to present poetry; and when I preach poetry I am preaching Christianity, and when one discusses Christianity one is discussing poetry in its imaginative aspects. … My work as a poet has to deal with the presentation of imaginative truth.
** [[R. S. Thomas]], in &quot;R. S. Thomas : Priest and Poet&quot; (BBC TV, 2 April 1972).

* The bishops play the hero and say they are ready to fight, even if it costs them their lives. The fight against whom? Against the people's government, of course, against our new democratic Yugoslavia … But how is it that the bishops did not issue this kind of pastoral letter, to be read in all the churches, in the days of [[wikipedia:Ante Pavelic|Pavelic]] and the Germans, against those terrible massacres of Serbs in Croatia in which hundreds of thousands of women, children and menfolk lost their lives?
** Marshal [[Tito]], as quoted in Jasper Ridley, ''Tito: A Biography'' (Constable and Company Ltd., 1994), p. 278.

* We must put an end once and for all to the Papist-Quaker babble about the sanctity of human life.
** [[Leon Trotsky]], ''The Russian Revolution'' (1930), quoted in [[w:Orlando Figes|Orlando Figes]], ''A People's Tragedy: The Russian Revolution 1891–1924'' (1996), p. 641.

* All Christians must be fittingly made aware of their call to holiness. The invitation to follow Christ addressed, in fact, to each and every member of the faithful, must tend towards the fullness of the Christian life and to the perfection of charity in each one's own state.
** Alfonso Card. López Trujillo, Francisco Gil Hellín; “PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE FAMILY”, “VADEMECUM FOR THE USE OF CONFESSORS” “Holiness in Marriage’’, [https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html &quot;Vademecum for confessors concerning some aspects of the morality of the conjugal life&quot;]. www.vatican.va; Vatican City, February 12, 1997.

* On the path to holiness, a Christian experiences both human weakness and the benevolence and mercy of the Lord. Therefore, the keystone of the exercise of Christian virtues—and thus also of conjugal chastity—rests on faith which makes us aware of God's mercy, and on repentance which humbly receives divine forgiveness.
** Alfonso Card. López Trujillo, Francisco Gil Hellín;  “PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE FAMILY”, “VADEMECUM FOR THE USE OF CONFESSORS” “Holiness in Marriage’’, [https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html &quot;Vademecum for confessors concerning some aspects of the morality of the conjugal life&quot;]. www.vatican.va; Vatican City, February 12, 1997.

* We began to stir against slavery. Hearts grew soft, here, there, and yonder. There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one—the pulpit. It yielded at last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession—at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery text remained; the practice changed, that was all.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=sujuHO_fvJgC&amp;pg=PA568&amp;dq=twain+%22Bible+Teaching+and+Religious+Practice%22&amp;cd=1#v=onepage&amp;q=twain%20%22Bible%20Teaching%20and%20Religious%20Practice%22&amp;f=false Bible Teaching and Religious Practice]'' (1923).

* During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. the Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch—the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. … There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but the text remains. More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain.
** [[Mark Twain]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=sujuHO_fvJgC&amp;pg=PA568&amp;dq=twain+%22Bible+Teaching+and+Religious+Practice%22&amp;cd=1#v=onepage&amp;q=twain%20%22Bible%20Teaching%20and%20Religious%20Practice%22&amp;f=false Bible Teaching and Religious Practice]'' (1923).

* Christianity, in spite of its fundamental originality, was not something essentially new, quite the reverse, but the lawful heir to all the good that had been destroyed by the [[Roman Empire]] and for which men had retained an intense longing.
** [[Simone Weil]], ''The Notebooks of Simone Weil'', p. 351

* The [Supreme] Court, by seeking to ''equate'' Christianity with other religions, merely assaults the ''one'' faith. The Court in essence is assailing the true God by democratizing the Christian religion.
** [[John Whitehead]] ''The Separation Illusion: A Lawyer Examines the First Amendmant'' (Mott Media 1977).

* All the western theologies are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent.
** [[Tennessee Williams]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 115-116.&lt;/small&gt;

* Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.
** Acts, XXVI. 28.

* Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded.&lt;br&gt;That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'' (1818-24), Canto I, Stanza 83.

* His Christianity was muscular.
** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], ''Endymion'' (1880), Chapter XIV.

* A Christian is God Almighty's gentleman.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Look in, and see Christ's chosen saint&lt;br&gt;  In triumph wear his Christ-like chain;&lt;br&gt;No fear lest he should swerve or faint;&lt;br&gt;  &quot;His life is Christ, his death is gain.&quot;
** [[John Keble]], ''Christian Year'', Stanza: Luke. The Evangelist.

* Now it is not good for the Christian's health&lt;br&gt;  To hustle the Aryan brown,&lt;br&gt;For the Christian riles and the Aryan smiles, and it weareth the Christian down.&lt;br&gt;And the end of the fight is a tombstone white&lt;br&gt;  With the name of the late deceased—&lt;br&gt;And the epitaph drear: &quot;A fool lies here&lt;br&gt;  Who tried to hustle the East.&quot;
** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Naulahka''; heading of Ch. V.

* What was invented two thousand years ago was the spirit of Christianity.
** [[Gerald Stanley Lee]], ''Crowds'' (1913), Book II, Chapter XVIII.

* Servant of God, well done, well hast thou fought&lt;br&gt;The better fight.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 29.

* Persons of mean understandings, not so inquisitive, nor so well instructed, are made good Christians, and by reverence and obedience, implicity believe, and abide by their belief.
** [[Michel de Montaigne]], ''Essays'', ''Of Vain Subleties''.

* Yes,—rather plunge me back in pagan night,&lt;br&gt;And take my chance with Socrates for bliss,&lt;br&gt;Than be the Christian of a faith like this,&lt;br&gt;Which builds on heavenly cant its earthly sway,&lt;br&gt;And in a convert mourns to lose a prey.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Intolerance'', line 68.

* ''Tolle crucem, qui vis auferre coronam.''
** Take up the cross if thou the crown would'st gain.
** St. Paulinus, Bishop of Nola.

* Yet still a sad, good Christian at the heart.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essay'', Epistle II, line 68.

* You are Christians of the best edition, all picked and culled.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Works'', Book IV, Chapter L.

* Plant neighborhood and Christian-like accord&lt;br&gt;In their sweet bosoms.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry V (play)|Henry V]]'' (c. 1599), Act V, scene 2, line 381.

* O father Abram, what these Christians are,&lt;br&gt;Whose own hard dealings teaches them suspect&lt;br&gt;The thoughts of others.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 162.

* The Hebrew will turn Christian: he grows kind.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 179.

* My daughter! O, my ducats! O, my daughter!&lt;br&gt;Fled with a Christian! O my Christian ducats.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 8, line 15.

* If thou keep promise, I shall end this strife,&lt;br&gt;Become a Christian and thy loving wife.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act II, scene 3, line 20.

* This making of Christians will raise the price of hogs: if we grow all to be pork-eaters, we shall not shortly have a rasher on the coals for money.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 5, line 24.

* For in converting Jews to Christians, you raise the price of pork.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 5, line 38.

* It is spoke as Christians ought to speak.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merry Wives of Windsor]]'' (c. 1597; published 1602), Act I, scene 1, line 103.

* A virtuous and a Christian-like conclusion,&lt;br&gt;To pray for them that have done scathe to us.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act I, scene 3, line 316.

* Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act I, scene 3, line 88.

* I thank the goodness and the grace&lt;br&gt;Which on my birth have smiled,&lt;br&gt;And made me, in these Christian days&lt;br&gt;A happy Christian child.
** [[Jane Taylor]], ''Child's Hymn of Praise''.

* ''Vide, inquiunt ut invicem se diligant.''
** See how these Christians love one another.
** [[Tertullian]], ''Apologeticus'', Chapter XXIX. Claimed also for Julian the Apostate.

* Lord, I ascribe it to Thy grace,&lt;br&gt;  And not to chance, as others do,&lt;br&gt;That I was born of Christian race.
** [[Isaac Watts]], ''Divine Songs for Children'' ([[Jane Taylor]]'s lines are popularly ascribed to Watts).

* Whatever makes men good Christians, makes them good citizens.
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech at Plymouth (December 22, 1820), Volume I, p. 44.

* A Christian is the highest style of man.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night IV, line 788.

===''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904)===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 27-29.&lt;/small&gt;

* The Christian religion is from heaven. The gates of hell shall not prevail against it, and its professors are not afraid of its being examined. It has stood for eighteen hundred years, and it will stand long.
** Best, J., ''Trial of Mary Ann Carlile'' (1821), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 408.

* The Court has no fears for the safety of the Christian religion. It does not believe that the rock upon which Christianity stands can ever be shaken.
** [[Sir John Bayley, 1st Baronet]], ''Trial of Mary Ann Carlile'' (1821), 1 St. Tr. (N. S.) 1050.

* The Christian religion is part of the law of the land.
** Kenyon, L.C.J., ''William's Case'' (1797), 26 How. St. Tr. 704.

* I will not suffer the Christian religion to be reviled, while I sit in this Court, and possess the power of preventing it.
** [[Edward Law, 1st Baron Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]], ''Baton's Case'' (1812), 31 How. St. Tr. 939.

* The preservation of Christianity as a national religion, is, abstracted from its own intrinsic truth, of the utmost consequence to the civil state.
** Sir William Blackstone (1765), Com, Book 4 Ch. iv., p. 35.

* It is certain that the Christian religion is part of the law of the land.
** Patteson, J., ''Rex v. Hetherington'' (1841), 5 Jur. (0. S.) 530.

* We have no law practised in this land but is the law of God; and so did the lawyers maintain it before the King in Henry the 8th's time, the pope's legates, and chief archbishops and bishops of England; and did then prove it to them, that there was no law practised in England but the law of God, which our ministers are loth to touch, and busy themselves to study.
** Keble, L.P., ''Christopher Love's Case'' (1651), 5 How. St. Tr. 238.

* Christianity came in here by external spiritual force, and discipline, was introduced as a custom, and is part of the law.
** Hale, C.J., Taylor's Case (1675), 1 Vent. 293; 3 Keb. 607, 621; see also Rex v. Woolston, Fitz. 64 ; 2 Str. Rep. 834.

* I apprehend that it is the duty of every Judge presiding in an English Court of justice, when he is told that there is no difference between worshipping the Supreme Being in chapel, church, or synagogue to recollect that Christianity is part of the law of England.
** Lord Hardwicke, L.C., In re Masters, &amp;c. of the Bedford Charity (1819), 2 Swanston's Rep. 527; per Kelly, C.B., Cowan v. Milbourn (1867), 15 W. R. 751. See also Att.-Gen. v. Pearson, 3 Mer. Rep. 353.

* The second ground of the law of England is the law of God.
** Hyde, J., Manby v. Scott (1663), 1 Mod. Rep. 126.

* It is no longer true in the sense in which it was true when these ''dicta'' were uttered, that &quot;Christianity is part of the law of the land.&quot; Nonconformists and Jews were then under penal laws, and were hardly allowed civil rights. But now, so far as I know the law, a Jew might be Lord Chancellor. Certainly he might be Master of the Rolls, and the great Judge whose loss we have all had to deplore2 might have had to try such a case, and if the view of the law supposed be correct, he would have had to tell the jury, perhaps partly composed of Jews, that it was blasphemy to deny that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, which he himself did deny, and which Parliament has allowed him to deny, and which it was part of &quot; the law of the land &quot; that he might, deny.
** [[John Duke Coleridge]], L.C.J., ''Reg. v. Ramsay and Foote'' (1883), 15 Cox, C. C. 235.

* The duty of relieving his fellow creature in distress is imposed on the Christian irrespective of religious doctrines and tenets, and notwithstanding that the object of charity may worship God in an erroneous manner, but in that which he believes to be most acceptable to his Creator.
** Sir [[John Romilly, 1st Baron Romilly|John Romilly]], M.R., ''Att.-Gen. v. Calvert'' (1857), 23 Beav. 258.

* There is no act which Christianity forbids, that the law will not reach : if it were otherwise, Christianity would not be, as it has always been held to be, part of the law of England.
** Best, C.J., ''Bird v. Holbrook'' (1828), 4 Bing. 641.

* What would happen if everyone did it? If everyone gave their wealth away what would we do for capital? If everyone loved their enemies who would ward off the Communists? This argument could be met on other levels, but here our only point is to observe that such reasoning would have been preposterous in the early church and remains ludicrous whenever committed Christians accept realistically their minority status. Far more fitting than &quot;What if everybody did it&quot; would be its inverse, &quot;What if nobody else acted like a Christian, but we did?&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Priestly Kingdom'' (1984), p. 139.

==The twenty-first century==
* One of the things we [the Chinese Academy] were asked to look into was what accounted for the success, in fact the pre-eminence, of the West all over the world. We studied everything we could from the historical, political, economic, and cultural perspective. At first, we thought it was because you had more powerful guns than we had. Then we thought it was because you had the best political system. Next we focused on your economic system. But in the past 20 years we have realized that the heart of your culture is your religion: Christianity. That is why the West has been so powerful. The Christian moral foundation of social and cultural life was what made possible the emergence of capitalism and then the successful transition to democratic politics. We don't have any doubt about this.
** Quoted in [[w:David Aikman|David Aikman]], ''Jesus in Beijing: How Christianity is Transforming China and Changing the Global Balance of Power'' (2003), p. 5. The Chinese Academy of Social Sciences of the People's Republic of China published its conclusions in 2002.

* A thread of hatred runs through the New Testament. It is inaccurate to call the Christian scriptures anti-Semitic, as the authors were themselves Jewish, but many of them had become disenchanted with Jewish religion.
** [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007), ''The Bible: A Biography'', p. 76.

* [I]t comes as little surprise that when we look at [[Japanese]] [[anime]], we are bombarded by innumerably different presentations of [[gender]] and [[sex]], including those having to do with major Christian figures, such as [[angels]], [[demons]], [[priests]], [[w:Cardinal (Catholic Church)|cardinals]], [[w:Nun|nuns]] and [[w:Pope|popes]]. For instance, in ''[[w:Earthian|Earthian]]'', the two protagonist angels, Chahiya and Kagetsuya, are not only partners in evaluating humanity, but are also shown to be gay lovers since both are in male form when they have sex. Or again, in ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]'', the head of the [[Roman Catholic Church|Catholic church]] is a ''[[w:Bishonen|bishonen]]'' (&quot;beautiful boy&quot;) pope, who is flanked by a female cardinal. &lt;br&gt; Most of these encodings don't reflect [[orthodox]] Christianity, which as traditionally claimed that while sex belong to the body, gender belongs to the [[soul]] or [[spirit]], and because the higher affects the lower, the soul or spirit determines the [[sex]] of the [[body]]. As a result, when orthodox Christians call God &quot;He' and not 'She,' they mean to say that God is ''essentially'' masculine, even though He, of course, has feminine attributes. Or again, female bodies point toward feminine souls and male bodies point toward masculine souls, and even though females should have some masculine attributes and males should have some feminine ones, neither sex should engage in any activity, such as cross-dressing or homosexual love, that would confuse or blur the essential differences between men and women.
** Adam Barkman, [https://books.google.com/books?id=5x2xu6veHDoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Anime and Philosophy: Wide Eyed Wonder”] edited by Josef Steiff, Tristan D. Tamplin (2010) ,  ch.8, ''Did Santa Die on the Cross?'', &quot;Gay Angels, Female Cardinals, and Bishonen Popes&quot;.

* Moreover, while [[angels]] and [[demons]] don't have [[bodies]] as we [[understand]] them and hence are sexless, it doesn't follow that they don't have genders since [[gender]] belongs to the [[soul]] or [[spirit]]. It's based on a [[theory]] of gender such as this, coupled with the [[belief]] that [[God]] made all things to function in certain ways, that most [[orthodox]] [[Christians]] have held [[beliefs]] such as the masculinity of [[God]] (John 3:35), [[male]] headship in [[marriage]] (Ephesians 5:32), the unnaturalness of [[homosexuality]] (1 Corinthians 6:9), the lack of [[sexual]] [[marriage]] of [[Heaven]] (Matthew 22:30), the importance of [[gender]] for [[w:Church office|church office]] (1 Timothy 2:12), and condemnation of cross-dressing and the like (Deuteronomy 22:5). As a result, orthodox Christianity would take issue with ''[[w:Earthian|Earthia]]n's'' [[gay]] [[angels]] and ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]''s [[female]] [[w:Cardinal (Catholic Church)|cardinal]], and would see potential danger in anime's general tendency to over-feminize [[men]], for instance, masculine, [[spiritual]] [[authority]] is poorly represented by ''[[w:Trinity Blood|Trinity Blood]]''s bishonen pope.
** Adam Barkman, [https://books.google.com/books?id=5x2xu6veHDoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false “Anime and Philosophy: Wide Eyed Wonder”] edited by Josef Steiff, Tristan D. Tamplin (2010) ,  ch.8, ''Did Santa Die on the Cross?'', &quot;Gay Angels, Female Cardinals, and Bishonen Popes&quot;.

* Christianity has both spurred and retarded the sciences and social sciences. Indeed, most of the modern debates of profound significance were originally dialogues with or within Christianity.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of Christianity'' (2011).

* Christians were pouring out “great tides of population, creating a great civilization, and great and powerful nations,” while the [[Muslims]] were “falling away into a feeble, half-depopulated, always decaying state, that [[w:Augur|augurs]] final extinction at no distant period.” A similar picture appeared if one compared “the populating forces of the [[Puritan]] stock” with “the inferior superstitions, half-Christian stock and nurture of the [[South American]] states.” There were other signs of [[God]]’s grace. [[w:Protestantism in America|Protestant American]] Christians enjoyed a stronger “tide of health.” Wealth grew more rapidly “under the condition of Christian living.” More talent could be found in “a Christian people.” God gave these advantages to Christians so that “salvation will become an imbred life and populating force, mighty enough to overlive, and finally to completely people the world.” The whole Gospel plan rested on a Church which has “within itself a stronger law of population, as well as a mighty power to win over and assimilate the nations.” Christians “have more truth, beauty, weight of character to exalt their predominance.” Most importantly, “’’God is in them’’ by his all-informing, all-energizing Spirit ‘’to be Himself unfolded in their history,’’ and thereby “over-people… eternity itself.” 
** Allan Carlson, [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Godly_Seed/bS0rDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “Godly Seed: American Evangelicals Confront Birth Control, 1873-1973”], (2012), p.58

* The existing and long-standing use of the word 'evolution' in our state's textbooks has not adversely affected Georgians' belief in the omnipotence of God as creator of the universe, There can be no incompatibility between Christian faith and proven facts concerning geology, biology, and astronomy. There is no need to teach that stars can fall out of the sky and land on a flat Earth in order to defend our religious faith.
** President [[Jimmy Carter]], ([http://edition.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/01/30/georgia.evolution/ January 30, 2004]).

* Don’t fucking question my Christianity you fucking idiot assholes. If you continue to have a problem, then talk to God about it, not me, you fucking racist homophobic misogynist fake Christian shitheads. God thinks it is funny that I swear so much. He said I could use his name in vain or whatever. He just wants me to use it. He loves me. So fuck you. And I guess he loves you too. Even though you are fake Christian assholes. If you were truly Christians, you would let gays get married, and send them fucking presents from Bed Bath and Beyond!
** [[Margaret Cho]] [http://margaretcho.com/2008/09/17/im-a-christian-you-fuckers/ &quot;I'm a Christian you Fuckers&quot;], 09/17/2008, Margaretcho.com

* Because if this is gonna be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to ''pretend'' that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition — and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
** [[Stephen Colbert]], [http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/368914/december-16-2010/jesus-is-a-liberal-democrat ''The Colbert Report''] (December 16, 2010)
** In response to [[Bill O'Reilly]] writing, in &quot;[http://www.billoreilly.com/column;jsessionid=47EBD06AF914FD6B2945149104DA563F?pid=30748 Keep Christ in Unemployment]&quot;, &quot;For them, the baby Jesus wants us to &quot;provide,&quot; no matter what the circumstance. But being a Christian, I know that while Jesus promoted charity at the highest level, he was not self-destructive&quot;.

* Obviously a personal acknowledgement of Jesus as Lord affects at least the consciousness of the individual and his thematic reflection on his consciousness, but the Christian and the explicitly non-Christian can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and can and do share the same ethical attitudes, dispositions and goals. Thus, explicit Christians do not have a monopoly on such proximate ethical attitudes, goals and dispositions as self-sacrificing love, freedom hope, concern for the neighbor in need or even the realization that one finds his life only  in losing it. The explicitly Christian consciousness does affect the judgment of the Christian and the way in which he makes his ethical judgments but non-Christians can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and also embrace and treasure even the loftiest of approximate motives, virtues, and goals which Christians in the past have wrongly claimed only for themselves. This is the precise sense in which I deny the existence of a distinctively Christian ethic; namely, no-Christians can and do arrive at the same ethical conclusions and prize the same proximate dispositions, goals and attitudes as Christians.
** Charles Curran as qtd. in Engelhardt, Hugo Tristram (2000). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Foundations_of_Christian_Bioethics/BMAtHATrlq4C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “The Foundations of Christian Bioethics”]. Taylor &amp; Francis. pp. 275–281, 305. ISBN 9789026515576. p.15

* I have a hard time thinking anyone who sees the world in terms of skin color, instead of souls to be saved, is really meaningfully a Christian.
** Erick Erickson, [http://www.redstate.com/erick/2015/07/29/cuckservative-is-a-racist-slur-and-an-attack-on-evangelical-christians/ &quot;'Cuckservative' is a Racist Slur and an Attack on Evangelical Christians&quot;] (29 July 2015), ''Red State''.

* His message of peace and reconciliation under almost all circumstances is simply incompatible with Christian teachings as I interpret them. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus fought and died for. What we need to do is take the battle to the Muslim heathens and do unto them before they do unto us.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], on [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] in a radio interview on ([[4 March]] [[2002]]).

* You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President — chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], [http://cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0410/24/le.01.html CNN Debate] with [[Jesse Jackson]] (24 October 2004).

* Since Jesus came to the earth the first time 2,000 years ago as a Jewish male, many evangelicals believe the Antichrist will, by necessity, be a Jewish male. This belief is 2,000 years old and has no anti-Semitic roots. This is simply historic and prophetic orthodox Christian doctrine that many theologians, Christian and non-Christian, have understood for two millennia.
** [[Jerry Falwell]], quoted in &quot;Religion, Politics a Potent Mix for Jerry Falwell&quot; by Steve Inskeep in ''Morning Edition'' on NPR (30 June 2006).

*…Christians and non-Christians face the same moral questions, and … both must see their solution in genuinely human reflection and according to the same norms; eg., whether adultery and premarital intercourse are morally right or can be so, whether the wealthy nation of the world must help the poor nations and to what extent, whether birth control is justified an should be provided, an what types of birth control are worthy of the dignity of the human person. Such questions are questions for all of humanity. If, therefore, our church and other human communities do not always reach the same conclusions, this is not due to the fact that there exists a different morality for Christians from that for non-Christians. 
** Joseph Fuchs, as qtd. in Engelhardt, Hugo Tristram (2000). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Foundations_of_Christian_Bioethics/BMAtHATrlq4C?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;printsec=frontcover  “The Foundations of Christian Bioethics”]. Taylor &amp; Francis. pp. 275–281, 305. ISBN 9789026515576. pp.14-15

* Organized religion, he saw, back in the day, had been purely a signal-to-noise proposition, at once the medium and the message, a one-channel universe. For Europe, that channel was Christian, and broadcasting from Rome, but nothing could be broadcast faster than a man could travel on horseback. There was a hierarchy in place, and a highly organized methodology of top-down signal dissemination, but the time-lag enforced by tech-lack imposed a near-disastrous ratio, the [[w:Heresy in Christianity|noise of heresy]] constantly threatening to overwhelm the signal. 
** [[William Gibson]], ''[[Spook Country]]'', 2007.

* The [[w:Constantine the Great and Christianity|conversion]] of [[Constantine the Great|Constantine]] ... was the effective beginning of “[[Christendom]],” namely, of that particular form of the [[Christian]] religion that consists of a strong alliance of Christianity with political and social power, sometimes amounting to the practical identification of Christianity with the dominant forces of the society in which it finds itself.
* Christianity, with its strong emphasis on unity under one God (an emphasis that it shares with [[Islam]]), can seem an almost natural ally of [[empire]]—unless, of course, the prophetic-critical dimension of the biblical tradition, which the Jesus of the [[w:Synoptic Gospels|synoptics]] certainly represented, is allowed a hearing. But as the history of [[w:Christology|Christology]] in the West easily demonstrates, after the establishment of Christianity, the prophetic office of the Christ, based not only on Jesus’ teaching but (even more so) on his suffering at the hands of power, was definitely subdued in favor of his priestly and kingly offices. Triumphant peoples, successful peoples, possessing peoples—empires!—do not want crucified criminals as their chief cultic symbol, especially not when they themselves are the crucifiers ... as they regularly are!
** [[Douglas John Hall]], &quot;Where in the World Are We?&quot; (2006), [[w:Princeton University|Princeton]] [http://www.ptsem.edu/lectures/?action=tei&amp;id=youth-2006-01 Lectures on Youth, Church, and Culture].

* [[Mahavira]], the [[Jainism|Jain]] patriarch, surpassed the [[morality]] of the Bible with a single sentence. 'Do not injure, abuse, oppress, enslave, insult, torment, torture, or kill any creature or living being'. Imagine how different our world might be if the Bible contained this as its central precept.
** [[Sam Harris]], in ''Letter to a Christian Nation'' (2006), p. 23.

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209.

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011.

* Only a humorless tyrant could want a perpetual chanting of praises that, one has no choice but to assume, would be the innate virtues and splendors furnished him by ''his'' creator, infinite regression, drowned in praise!
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letter to a Young Contrarian'' (2001).

* Judaism has some advantages over Christianity in that, for example, it does not proselytise—except among Jews—and it does not make the cretinous mistake of saying that the Messiah has already made his appearance. … However, along with Islam and Christianity, it does insist that some turgid and contradictory and sometimes evil and mad texts, obviously written by fairly unexceptional humans, are in fact the word of god. I think that the indispensable condition of any intellectual liberty is the realisation that there is no such thing.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''Letter to a Young Contrarian'' (2001).

* The [Catholic] church, as far as I know, has not endorsed any war as just since it supported General Franco's invasion of Spain to destroy the Spanish republic with a Muslim mercenary army in the thirties, on the side of Hitler.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]] with [[Andrew Sullivan]] on [[w:Tim Russert|Tim Russert]] (25 September 2004).

* The god of [[Moses]] would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[w:God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything|God is not Great]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007).

* The current intellectual assault on God in Europe and North America is in fact a specific attack on Christianity – the faith that stubbornly persists in the morality, laws, and government of the major Western countries. Despite the self-conscious militancy of some of the anti-theists against Islam, they rarely encounter organized Islam in their own countries, and are sensibly wary of challenging Islam on its own ground, and seldom debate with Muslim spokesmen (who are not interested in discussing an issue they believe to be closed). Their hostility to Islam as a ‘threat to our way of life’ is a result of their late realization that it might, if it became powerful, menace the license in sexual and other matters that their cause has won, thanks to the weakness of Christianity in its former domains.
** [[Peter Hitchens]], ''The Rage Against God'' (2010)

* A new and intolerant utopianism seeks to drive the remaining traces of Christianity from Europe and North America. This time, it does so mainly in the cause of personal liberation, born in the 1960s cultural revolution, and now inflamed into special rage by any suggestion that the sexual urge should be restrained by moral limits or that it should have any necessary connection with procreation. 
** [[Peter Hitchens]], ''The Rage Against God'' (2010)

* To live in a Western country is to live in a society still utterly saturated by Christian concepts and assumptions. This is no less true for Jews or Muslims than it is for Catholics or Protestants. Two thousand years on from the birth of Christ, it does not require a belief that he rose from the dead to be stamped by the formidable – indeed the inescapable – influence of Christianity.
** [[Tom Holland (author)|Tom Holland]], ''Dominion: The Making of the Western Mind'' (2019)

* What fascinated us about Carrie was that her religious mother could believe that Christ performed miracles, yet when her daughter demonstrates miraculous abilities, she deems that satanic.
** Damon Lindelof [http://www.ew.com/article/2006/11/24/stephen-king-meets-creators-lost Stephen King meets creators of Lost]

* Everywhere indigenous Christianities are emerging. The fastest growing segments of protestant Christianity are in the southern hemisphere, especially in Africa. In 1900, Christianity was primarily the religion of Europeans and their descendants. In 2000, only 45 percent of the world’s Christians are European or of European descent.
** Maguire, Daniel C. (3 April 2003). Sacred rights: the case for contraception and abortion in world religions. Oxford University Press. p. 84. ISBN 978-0-19-516001-7. Retrieved 3 January 2012.

* If abortion and gay marriage are part of the Christian agenda, I have no issue with that. Those are moral issues that should be of importance to people of the faith, but the agenda should be much, much broader.
I'm looking for the day when Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, James Dobson, Tony Perkins, James Kennedy, Rod Parsley, &quot; Patriot Pastors&quot; and Rick Warren will sit at the same table as Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Cynthia Hale, Eddie L. Long, James Meek, Fred Price, Emmanuel Cleaver and Floyd Flake to establish a call to arms on racism, AIDS, police brutality, a national health care policy, our sorry education system.
If they all say they love and worship one God, one Jesus, let's see them rally their members behind one agenda.
I stand here today not as a Republican or a liberal. And don't bother calling me a Democrat or a conservative. I am a man,­ an African-American man ­who has professed that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that's to whom I bow down.
** [[Roland Martin]], &lt;ref&gt; https://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/04/04/martin.jesus/index.html &lt;/ref&gt;

* All that is good about Christianity stems from Jesus, and all that is bad about it stems from Paul.
** Tom O'Golo, ''Christ? No! Jesus? Yes!'', p. 199 (2011).

* If [[Hindutva]] is [[Hinduism]] then the [[Ku Klux Klan]] is [[Christianity]]
** Anand Patwardhan, [https://scroll.in/article/1005159/anand-patwardhan-if-hindutva-is-hinduism-then-the-ku-klux-klan-is-christianity The filmmaker’s speech at the Dismantling Global Hindutva conference being held from September 10-September 12.]

* It was the bringing together of a warring multiplicity under the unifying doctrines of Christianity that civilized [[Europe]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 191

* I said last year that Israel was entering into the most dangerous periods of its entire existence as a nation. That is intensifying this year with the loss of Sharon. … I think we need to look at the Bible and the Book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.' God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'this is my land' and for any Prime Minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says 'no, this is mine.' I had a wonderful meeting with Yitzhak Rabin in 1974. He was tragically assassinated, it was a terrible thing that happened but nevertheless he was dead. And now Ariel Sharon who again was a very likeable person, a delightful person to be with, I prayed with him personally, but here he's at the point of death. He was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations, or the United States of America. God says 'this land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone.'
** [[Pat Robertson]], after [[w:Ariel Sharon|Ariel Sharon]]'s [http://rawstory.com/news/2005/Robertson_said_Sharon_being_punished_by_0105.html severe stroke] (2006).

* &quot;If you don't worship me you will burn forever.&quot; I always thought that was ugly.
** [[Gore Vidal]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism: A Rough History of Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2005 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

* Give us this day our daily bread. Oh sure.&lt;br&gt;Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Nobody better trespass against me.&lt;br&gt;I'll tell you that.&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the meek.&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the merciful.&lt;br&gt;You mean we can't use torture?&lt;br&gt;Blessed are the peacemakers.&lt;br&gt;Jane Fonda?&lt;br&gt;Love your enemies - Arabs?&lt;br&gt;Ye cannot serve God and Mammon.&lt;br&gt;The hell I can't! Look at the Reverend [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]].&lt;br&gt;And He is as happy as a pig in shit.
** [[Kurt Vonnegut]], on [[w:The Daily Show|The Daily Show]], 15 September 2005.

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named [[Adolf Hitler]], the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman [[Mao Zedong|Mao]], in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say &quot;[[Jesus]], we are yours&quot;? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video].

* The prevalence of evil and misery has always bothered those who believe in a benevolent and omnipotent God. Sometimes God is excused by pointing to the need for free will. [[John Milton|Milton]] gives God this argument in ''Paradise Lost'': &lt;blockquote&gt;I formed them free, and free they must remain&lt;br/&gt; Till they enthrall themselves: I else must change&lt;br/&gt; Their nature, and revoke the high decree&lt;br/&gt; Unchangeable, eternal, which ordained&lt;br/&gt; Their freedom; they themselves ordained their fall. &lt;/blockquote&gt; It seems a bit unfair to my relatives to be murdered in order to provide an opportunity for free will for the Germans, but even putting that aside, how does free will account for cancer? Is it an opportunity of free will for tumors?
** [[Steven Weinberg]], ''Facing Up: Science and Its Cultural Adversaries'' (2001), p.&amp;nbsp;240.

* I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
** [[George Carlin]], A Place for My Stuff (1981).

* If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.
** [[Jerry Falwell]] [http://www.religioustolerance.org/atheist1.htm].

* Christianity was an epidemic rather than a religion. It appealed to fear, hysteria and ignorance. It spread across the Western world, not because it was true, but because humans are gullible and superstitious.
** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''The Occult: A History '', p. 212.

* All dedicated Christians who work secularly should have Scriptural principles in mind. Making honest provision for ourselves means that we refuse to engage in practices that violate God’s law or the law of the land. (Rom. 13:1, 2; 1 Cor. 6:9, 10) We keep in mind the dangers of bad associations. As soldiers of Christ, we refrain from engaging in commercial endeavors that violate godly standards, compromise our Christian neutrality, or jeopardize our spirituality. (Isa. 2:4; 2 Tim. 2:4) And we do not have connections with God’s religious enemy, “Babylon the Great.”—Rev. 18:2, 4; 2 Cor. 6:14-17.
** Organized to Do Jehovah's Will. Watch Tower Society. 2015. p.138

==See also==
*[[Bible]]
*[[Church]]
*[[Christendom]]
*[[Early Christianity]]
*[[Christianity in the first century]]
*[[Jesus]]
*[[New Testament]]
*[[Sermon on the Mount]]
*[[Christianity and Islam]]

==External links==
{{Similarlinks}}
{{wikiversity|God and Enlightenment}}
{{wiktionary}}
{{World religions}}

[[Category:Christianity| ]]
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2735" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ayman al-Zawahiri.png|thumb|The Sheikh has departed, may God have mercy on him, to his God as a martyr and we must continue on his path of jihad to expell the invaders from the land of Muslims and to purify it from injustice. Today, and thanks to God, America is not facing an individual or a group, but a rebelling nation, which has awoken from its sleep in a jihadist renaissance.]]
'''[[w:Ayman al-Zawahiri|Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri]]''' (Arabic: أيمن محمد ربيع الظواهري‎  ʾAyman Muḥammad Rabīʿ aẓ-Ẓawāhirī, detailed transliteration: Åỉmɑn Mʋhɑm̑ɑd Rɑbio al-Ƶ̑ɑuaeɩri ; born [[19 June]] [[1951]] – July 31, 2022), or simply known as '''al-Zawahiri''' or '''Ayman''', is an Egyptian Islamic [[theologian]] and the current leader of [[al-Qaeda]], taking over from [[Osama bin Laden]]. He was previously the emir of the [[w:Egyptian Islamic Jihad|Egyptian Islamic Jihad]].

{{Religious-stub}}
==Quotes==
* The Sheikh has departed, may God have mercy on him, to his God as a martyr and we must continue on his path of jihad to expel the invaders from the land of Muslims and to purify it from injustice. Today, and thanks to God, America is not facing an individual or a group, but a rebelling nation, which has awoken from its sleep in a jihadist renaissance.
** {{cite web|url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-13696051|title= Al-Qaeda posts fresh warning from al-Zawahiri to US|accessdate= June 20, 2011|date= June 8, 2011|publisher= BBC News}}

* We have endured a lot of harm from [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi]] and his brothers, and we preferred to respond with as little as possible, out of our concern to extinguish the fire of sedition. But Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his brothers did not leave us a choice, for they have demanded that all the mujahideen reject their confirmed pledges of allegiance, and to pledge allegiance to them for what they claim of a caliphate.
** As quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/al-qaeda-declares-war-isis-6422015 &quot;Al Qaeda 'declares war' on ISIS as 9/11 terror group boss blasts rival for declaring himself leader of all Muslims&quot;], ''The Mirror'' (11 September 2015)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:al-Zawahiri, Ayman}}
[[Category:Organizations and people designated as terrorist]]
[[Category:Islamic fundamentalists]]
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
[[Category:Prisoners]]
[[Category:People from Cairo]]
[[Category:1951 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]

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  <page>
    <title>Hell's Kitchen/Season 6</title>
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      <comment>/* Episode One [6.01] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="43629" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [6.01] ===

:''[Louie has brought up his signature dish]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that?
:'''Louie''': Sausage gravy over biscuits.
:'''Gordon''': Sausage gravy?
:'''Louie''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Over biscuits?
:'''Louie''': Yes. I sell about five gallons of it a week.
:'''Gordon''': Gallons? What, you sell this to pigs?
:'''Louie''': No, actually, I own a diner.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, okay. And how much do you charge for that?
:'''Louie''': $4.75.
:'''Gordon''': $4.75?
:'''Louie''': Yeah. With coffee.
:''[Gordon tastes some of the dish, and quickly spits it out in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me.
:'''Louie''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong with it? It tastes like gunk.
:'''Louie''': ''[glares at Gordon]'' (interview) Hundreds of people eat that in my diner each week. I don't think it was worth spitting out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I feel like a dog that's been taken off his leash. I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I want this, and I'm going to get it. None of them will get in my fucking way.
:'''Gordon''': So, this is...?
:'''Joseph''': This right here's a roasted veal chop, with roasted root vegetables.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh. Lovely colour on there.
:'''Joseph''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': What a shame the Brussels sprouts are rock hard. Are they supposed to be that crunchy?
:'''Joseph''': No, they're not.
:'''Gordon''': (gives a sprout to Joseph) Will you have a little taste for me please?
:'''Joseph''': Absolutely. You got a fork? (interview) I ain't no animal. If there's a fork available, I like to fucking use it.
:'''Gordon''': You can bite that. You're a big boy.
:'''Joseph''': I'm not an animal. (interview) Do I look like a caveman? Do I eat with my fucking hands?
:'''Gordon''': Don't get defensive. Relax.
:'''Tony''': (interview) I was like &quot;Damn! Throw it down, Chef Ramsay!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Are you mad?
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Me and him, we're gonna go head to head, without a fuckin' doubt. I will drag him out to the parking lot by his fuckin' jacket and stomp the shit outta him. That's bullshit! I nailed that fuckin' dish. He knew it and I knew it! No fuckin' way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Tony and Amanda) Let's go.
:''[Tony and Amanda went in front of Gordon to present their dishes]''
:'''Amanda''': Two seconds chef. I need to grab one thing.
:''[Amanda returns to the pass to get two shots of tequila]''
:'''Gordon''': What's that?
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': Tequila.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) I'm definitely asking Chef Ramsay to do a shot of tequila with me. It goes with the dish.
:'''Gordon''': And what's your dish?
:'''Amanda''': Margarita French toast with tequila lime butter.
:'''Gordon''': Show me? ''[looking at Amanda's dish]'' I thought you were joking. You're cooking a slice of fucking toast dipped in egg with...
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': ...to get me drunk.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four... (cuts to Amanda took a shot of tequila) Give me a lot more! Keep on going!
:''[Gordon was shocked at Amanda]''
:'''Lovely''': (interview) Are you kidding me? (laughs) Why would you do that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises a piece of toast with a knife]'' That's it? (brief pause) What the fuck were you doing for 42 minutes? Because that takes literally 3 minutes. SHOCKING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Melinda''': We have a poached lobster and savory portobello mushrooms. (interview) My dish is very rich and succulent and luscious and velvety. You just feel what's happening on your mouth and the satisfaction that comes. ''[laughs]''
:''[Melinda lifts the lid off her dish, revealing that the mushrooms make up most of the dish, with just a few small chunks of lobster scattered around; Gordon is shocked]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the lobster tail? ''[portions her dish]'' Where's the fucking tail?
:'''Melinda''': During the cooking process, I had some challenges.
:''[Gordon raises the &quot;tail&quot;]''
:'''Gordon''': Poached lobster tail, where's the fucking tail? ''[grabs Melinda's plate and throws it in the trash]'' Absolutely fucking pathetic!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Dang... That's another zero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Before dinner service]''
:'''Narrator''': But moments from opening, his optimism...
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees some fondants at the pass]'' Oh, dear. Who cooked these?
:'''Narrator''': ...begins to fade.
:'''Gordon''': Who cooked the fondants?
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Lovely.
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls out Lovely]'' Lovely!
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Which they're not... come here! Why these are cooked? We put it in the oven when the order comes on.
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't even opened yet and you cooked them.
:'''Tennille''': (interview) That's all we have to work with. We're fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises one fondant]'' Look at that! ''[scoops the fondant and drops it]'' Look. It's like a fucking hockey puck. Oh, my God! We're not even opened yet and you screwed it up! What a fucking disaster!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) That's it. The end.
:'''Gordon''': 'Get fffucked!!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) Obviously I was thrown in a kitchen with a bunch of circus clowns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Jim]''
:'''Gordon''': Jim!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me. Three scallops cut in half means what?
:'''Jim''': Six pieces.
:'''Gordon''': I've got four! Are you doing this on purpose to get me going?
:'''Jim''': No.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Don't insult Chef Ramsay's intelligence.
:'''Gordon''': So look at me. Count to six for me.
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
:'''Gordon''': Louder!
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef. (interview) I just wasn't paying attention. Ones and twos, and threes and twos, and I thought I had yahtzee at one point.
:'''Gordon''': Jim, one minute out, drop six pieces of scallop.
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks the scallops on Tek's station]''
:'''Gordon''': Look at this. I swear to God, ''[gets some scallops]'' it's the kind of shit you'd expect Tiger Woods to tee off with. Look at it. Rubber, rubber, RUBBER! ''[throws the scallops away]''
:'''Narrator''': But, they have to start over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's cappelini) It's limp and shit!
:'''Narrator''': And over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Tek's scallops) It's fucking raw!! ''[throws the scallops away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon notices Louie putting an unseasoned lamb in the oven]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie? Did you just put the lamb in the oven?
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir.
:'''Gordon''': OH, MY GOD! ''[calls out the entire team]'' Hey guys come here quick! At least you know, Louie's on entrées and the fucking lamb goes in the oven like that. No salt, no pepper, no seasoning, not even seared! ''[slams the lamb on the plate]'' (to Louie) Louie, why do we sear meat?
:'''Louie''': To lock in the juices, sir.
:'''Gordon''': To give it colour, to improve the flavour!
:'''Louie''': Sorry, sir.
:'''Jim''': (interview) You're a man. There's a primary instinct inside you that knows how to cook meat. You need to find it.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon returns to the Red kitchen for the Red team's appetizers]''
:'''Gordon''': For the eighth time, can I have one fucking scallops and a fucking beautifully cooked capellini?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's capellini) Is that cooked? It looks undercooked.
:'''Melinda''': Is it cooked?
:'''Gordon''': (tastes the capellini) Not cooked.
:'''Melinda''': Not cooked?
:'''Gordon''': Nah, that's not cooked. Not cooked. (Melinda throws the undercooked capellini away) Oh, my God! Why did you throw that away, Melinda? Just put it back on the stove, put the lid on the top and, 30 seconds cooking it! What do you do, you just... trash it straight away!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Melinda... she had that deer-in-the-headlights look and that'll kill you.
:'''Gordon''': (Discovers a [[:wikipedia:Capellini|capellini]] thrown in the bin) Look at all this fucking... who's putting all this in the bin?! How many portions are you putting in there? How much is in the bin?! LOOK! '''LOOK!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!'''
:'''Narrator''': An hour into dinner service and the red team has cooked ten appetizers. But unfortunately, none of them have made it to the dining room.
:'''Gordon''': (to Melinda) Hey, madam, ''how much capellini are you throwing away''? (Melinda doesn't reply) Look at it! What are you doing, Melinda?! What are you doing?!
:''[Melinda begins attempted interview and doesn't speak]''
:'''Gordon''': You're making me mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Salmon, lamb please, how long?
:'''Tennille''': Seven minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, what's that piece of shit there?
:'''Suzanne''': It's supposed to be the salmon.
:'''Gordon''': Holy fuck! Look at that. It's like a... bison's penis - what is that shit? ''[opens up the salmon wrap, revealing the interior to be totally frozen]'' Look at that! Stone-cold, frozen salmon. Who put the salmon in the freezer?
:'''Amanda''': Me. I fucked it up. (interview) The salmon was my fault because I stuck it in the freezer instead of the fridge, and it was frozen.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you fucked up, big time!
:'''Tek''': All the salmon's the same, I think we should try and fix it.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, 'cos she's wrapped it frozen.
:'''Heather''': And we have five on order.
:'''Gordon''': We've got five on order?
:'''Heather''': Five on order.
:'''Gordon''': (to Amanda) Hey, ditzy! Great job!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Louie]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie! ''[raises a chewed up piece of lamb]'' Wh... what is that?! What is that?! Did you bite that? Look! That's one, that's the other! It's on the same fucking table!!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Louie's lost. He's out of his league.
:''[Gordon discovers that Louie has wasted a huge amount of lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': What's all that lamb here? Look at this! Hey, Van! You, hey, Joseph! Stop! Look... at... this! Look! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!''' LOUIE!
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off back there! '''GET OUT'''! YES! Get '''FUCKED''', pile of '''SHIT'''! Hey, get upstairs, get your bags packed...
:'''Louie''': Can I help? Can I help in the kitchen?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you can help me: '''GET OUT!!!'''
:'''Louie''': (interview) You want me out? You want me to pack my fuckin' bags? I'm out. My bags are packed. YOU CAN KISS - MY - FUCKING - '''ASS!!!'''
:'''Narrator''': With the kitchen at a complete standstill, Chef Ramsay is left with no choice.
:'''Gordon''': (to Joseph) Switch it OFF!
:'''Joseph''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to the red team) Fuck off!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Anybody sitting at home thinking they can do this...Good luck. It's tough.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I've never had a dinner service like that. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sits with Robert at one of the tables]''
:'''Gordon''': First of all, it's bloody good to see you. Yes.
:'''Robert''': Thank you, chef. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': You lost your opportunity due to health reasons... right now, I'd love you to seriously consider ''[pause for effect]'' coming back into Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Robert''': (interview) I've a second chance, and you know, you don't get many second chances in life. ''[to Gordon]'' I would love to take that offer. ''[applause from the other tables]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Melinda was completely lost in space. So I sent her back to whatever planet she came from.

=== Episode Two [6.02] ===

:''[During the Blue Team's reward where they are having Shrimp Cocktails with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': Enjoy it.
:'''Dave''': It's a treat to be sitting here by Chef and not being screamed at.
:'''Gordon''': Trust me, each and every service, you're going to get stronger. Have you any idea how much shit I've taken in the kitchen? And the more I took, the better I became.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) What am I learning by shooting shit? Nothing. What gets accomplished by running your mouth? Not a thing.
:'''Joseph''': I didn't come here for lunches you know. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not going to lose my eye on the prize.
:'''Dave''': Well, we're fired up too, man. I'm not relaxing because I get to have a good nice lunch with the chef.
:'''Joseph''': It's good to get out but I don't really care.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Joseph, he's a complete dick. He's a little hotheaded, and he's being a little too intense in the way he disrespects Chef Ramsay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass after seeing Van serving tableside to a Red diner]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Chef, he's going to the wrong table.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no. VAN, COME HERE!!
:'''Van''': (to a Red diner) I'm going to get yelled at right now, but I'll be right back. ''[returns to the pass]'' (to Gordon) Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': That's the Red table. You're running the Blue. Hey Bozo, give me one scampi special on the right table.
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, what's the matter between you two?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': There's a language barrier there.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I know, but he's from Texas. ''[Gordon rolls his tongue around]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) Don't run in the restaurant, please?
:'''Van''': (interview) Jean-Philippe better stop trying to tell me what to do. I know that.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I'm going to explode. I'm going to explode, my friend! Listen to me!
:'''Tony''': (interview) WHOA, WHOA! JP! He's about to like pound him down. DAMN!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van and even turns red) Listen! Listen! '''LISTEN TO ME!!'''
:'''Andy''': (interview) I cannot believe I'm seeing this.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Listen to me!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) He's going to fucking hit him.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) We have a problem here!
:'''Jim''': (interview) Hit him!
:'''Van''': (to Jean-Philippe) Don't touch me, bro! You better get out of my face! (JP pushes Van)
:''[Gordon saw JP and Van fighting; becomes furious]''
:'''Gordon''': OI!! Hey, stop! Hey both of you, come here! (referring Van) Bozo, both of you, come here! NOW!
:'''Van''': I'm going to fuck you up, bro. (interview) We're going to get it down and it's going to be a first round knockout.
:'''Gordon''': What's is going on?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) He's got no respect, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': DON'T SHOUT! WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS NOW!!!
:'''Van''': I'm sorry, Chef.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': He's not respecting his dining room, Chef.
:'''Van''': (interview) Bitch, shut the fuck up. He thinks he's some kind of boss man around here and he ain't nothing.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Calm down, listen to him. (to Jean-Philippe) And you, pay a little bit to respect. ''[points to Van]'' And if you do your job, ''[points to Jean-Philippe]'' And if you do your job, we'll come together. 'Cause right now, you're turning the whole place upside down, are you going to do it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) If he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes, I will if he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Last chance.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[Letting Van out of the pantry first]'' Ladies first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?
:'''Andy''': Just a second. I'll cook it a little bit more.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees what Andy is doing]'' Oh, no. Oh, dear. We're cutting up a piece of chicken and frying it off. What do you think it is, chicken nuggets? OI!! Come here you! Now you've cut them up like bits of chicken nugget, and fryin' them off?
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fuckin' donkey!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Andy, if you're sitting there all night long with a meat thermometer on your arm, why are you not checking the chickens? What the fuck is it doing on your arm? It don't look good on you.
:'''Gordon''': ''[grabs Andy's pan]'' Is that how you cook in Whistler?
:'''Andy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So why are you cooking it like it now?!
:'''Andy''': I made a mistake chef.
:''[Gordon throws the pan into the sink]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon asks for chicken in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': One roasted crown chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees that the chicken is burnt]'' It's burnt, the chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Is it?
:'''Gordon''': It's crispy and burnt! Oh, my God!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Damn!
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the Blue team]'' Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!
:'''Dave''': (interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.
:'''Gordon''': I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!
:'''Suzanne''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay says &quot;You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!&quot; That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.
:'''Narrator''': With no cooking required...
:'''Van''': GO! GO!! GO!!!
:'''Narrator''': ...both kitchens...
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Five more right here.
:'''Narrator''': ...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.
:'''Lady''': A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!
:'''Tony''': (interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like ''[imitates a machine gun]'' blow us all away!
:'''Gordon''': The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me! You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand! And what's the point of going on? Shut it down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After a disastrous dinner service in which both teams lost, the Red team has already nominated Lovely and Tennille for elimination, and the Blue team is about to nominate two of its chefs]''
:'''Gordon''': Blue team. Joseph: let's be honest, that's a pretty sorry battalion you got there, isn't it.
:'''Joseph''': Right now it is.
:'''Gordon''': Who's the first nominee for the men?
:'''Joseph''': They can speak for themselves but they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': Hey smartass, I asked ''you'' to tell me. Who's the first nominee, and why?
:'''Joseph''': No problem: Tony, and Andy.
:'''Gordon''': Listen... I know you may be slightly stupid. First nominee and why?
:'''Joseph''': First nominee and why? Tony. He knows why. We sat down as a group and they wouldn't pick each other. You know. No peer pressure! We're men!
:'''Gordon''': Just, just just - what do you want, a fucking medal?
:'''Joseph''': What do you want me to fuckin' say? What do you want me to say? They know who they fuckin' are. We chose as a group and they stand out and they said they belong there. Stand up, they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': ''[approaches Joseph]'' Listen, you chippy idiot. I asked for one nominee and why, plain English. And you're mouthing off, and you couldn't answer me. Now can you just tell me, in fucking plain English, the first nominee, and why he's nominated. Is that fucking clear?!
:'''Joseph''': That's clear!
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! ''[walks back]'' Unbelievable! One simple request, who and why, and you make a big fucking song and dance about it!
:'''Joseph''': I ain't no fuckin' bitch, chef! I don't give a fuck. I ain't no bitch!
:'''Gordon''': ...what???
:'''Joseph''': I'm not no bitch!
:'''Robert''': He's trying to bring the best out of you. You got to look past it.
:'''Joseph''': He's not bringing the best out of me.
:'''Ariel''': Yeah, show some respect.
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth is what you should do right now.
:'''Suzanne''': Come on, man!
:'''Joseph''': I'm talkin' here. I don't give a fuck about you. I didn't come here for you.
:'''Suzanne''': You want to be an executive chef, Joe?
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Tek''': You signed up to fucking learn and grow, and...
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, shut your fuckin' mouth.
:'''Tek''': ...you do this, dude!
:'''Gordon''': Okay! Answer the fucking question!
:'''Joseph''': You keep talkin' like this, I'll have you out in the fuckin' parking lot! I don't give a fuck. What do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon''': I ask the fucking questions, YOU give the fucking answers!
:'''Joseph''': ''[takes off his jacket and walks out of the line]'' Fuck that shit, dawg. I ain't here for that! ''[approaches Gordon and tosses his jacket at him]'' You want a fuckin' jacket? You want talk some shit? Let's go step outside, mo'fucker! ''[gets in Gordon's face]'' I ain't here for that, dawg!

=== Episode Three [6.03] ===

''[continuing the confrontation from the episode before. A couple of guards step in to separate Joseph from Gordon.]
:'''Joseph''': Want to talk about fuckin' fighting?
:'''Gordon''': Oh wow.
:'''Joseph''': Want to get fuckin' rough?
:'''Gordon''': You think I'm scared? Ah? Look at you.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, keep talking for the fuckin' cameras.
:'''Gordon''': You've just blown your - Yeah, fuck the cameras.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:'''Joseph''': Let's go step outside!
:'''Gordon''': Out in front here? I asked you one simple question, and you couldn't fucking answer me. And then you want to get all tough and up close and personal.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you.
:'''Gordon''': There you go.
:'''Joseph''': You ain't none but a bitch.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no respect.
:'''Joseph''': No respect?
:'''Gordon''': Now get out.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you. You fuckin' bitch! ''[Double flips off the chefs]'' Fuck all y'all! Right? ''[the guards lead him out, he trips over the step]''
:'''Gordon''': Watch the step.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, watch the step, bitch.
:'''Gordon''': What an idiot. Total, total shame. ''[kicks Joseph's jacket up to the table]''
:'''Joseph''': (outside the restaurant) I don't need this and that. I don't need some limey - fuckin' - prick - talking to me like that. Without skippin' a beat, I'll go back home, I'll work! Anybody who fuckin' hires me to work in their kitchen, they'll be proud to have me there! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (after sparing Lovely and Tennille from elimination) Now listen up: Because Joseph took himself out of the competition, tonight you get a gift--and I'm not sending anybody home. Last chance.
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Understand?
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And I've got one more thing to say to you - in fact, to you all: (in Joseph's tone) I'm nobody's bitch. (everyone laughs)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gordon''': Amanda!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Twelve threes?
:'''Amanda''': Nine! (that was the correct answer when she incorrectly made eight lamb chops [three portions of three, but she incorrectly said the answer to that question four times])
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Amanda''': Thirty-six chef. Thirty-six, I'm sorry, Chef.

=== Episode Four [6.04] ===

:''[The blue team has to clean up the dorms as punishment]''
:'''Robert''': Right now, I just want to win a challenge. I want to win. All through my life I hear bullshit. People thinking shit I'm too fat, too slow, too this, too that. I ain't about to be a loser, I hate it.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Good, Robert. That's how you should feel. It just kinda sucks that the intensity is coming out during being punished and not neccessarily during...
:'''Robert''': You know, chef I...Fuck!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Well Robert, what do you want me to tell you? You could've won, you didn't. But you know, the competitive parts should come out during that time and not afterwards.
:'''Robert''': (throws his broom down) I fucking almost died last time for this shit! Don't tell me I ain't giving my fucking 110%! Dancing around like fucking Fred Astaire all fucking day!! LAST SEASON, '''I ALMOST FUCKING DIED FOR THIS SHIT!!''' AND I'M HERE AGAIN AND I FUCKING DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT!! (Breaks his broom)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[both teams are coming down to the wire during service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?!
:'''Robert''': Come on! Come on!
:'''Andy''': (rushing with the chicken) Coming right behind you. Go now!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Hey, fucking nitwit, that is fucking raw.
:'''Robert''': Oh man! (interview) Here we go again!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': (gets in Andy's face) You get that ready by the time the rest of the fucking table is ready to go! You got it?!
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': GO!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a solid good dinner service for the second time in a row]''
:'''Gordon''': Right, no close. Ladies, you've beaten by the sides.
:'''Suzanne''': (raises her right hand) Chef, can I get play-by-play on that?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah first of all, okay? I'm telling you, straight to your face, you lost. And you, one more thing, you do have one more member than the men, they did it with eleven arms. No play-by-play, take it on the fucking chin, with a little bit of respect. End of fucking story.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': If people were named for their cooking, her name wouldn't be Lovely. It would be Useless.

=== Episode Five [6.05] ===

''[Gordon checks on lobster brought by Amanda]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on. This is not possible! ''(returns to the workstation)'' Come here! All of you, come here!
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Whatever it is, it's not my fault.
:'''Gordon''': This is not fucking possible! This cannot be true! ''[gets a piece of lobster]'' What is that there? What is that there?! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Suzanne''': This is---.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, its fucking raw! '''RAW!!''' ''[kicks the bins]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Come on, Amanda! All you have to do is put the lobster on the grill, make sure it didn't char, baste it and send it up. That's all you had to do!
:'''Gordon''': It's a fucking restaurant, not a sushi bar! How can you get confused on a raw fucking grilled lobster?! I don't know where to go! I can't even turn and look at the dining room, I'm so fucking embarrassed! This is still your first table... ''(points to the Blue kitchen)'' that's their last! FUCK OFF!! '''WE HAVEN'T SENT AN ENTRÉE OUT!! STUPID COWS!!!''' ''[crosses over to the Blue kitchen, where the men are starting to clear down]'' Oh, fucking hell... Hey, have you all finished?
:'''Andy''': Desserts chef.
:'''Gordon''': Desserts? Kevin, stay on desserts. All of you, come in here! Hey guys, get on a section will you, please, yes?
:''[The Blue team goes over to the Red kitchen and started working]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) AWWW! Add insult to injury, rub salt in the wound, what... just... happened?
:'''Gordon''': Away now: Two penne, three New York Strip, two chicken, one catfish!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Robert''': (interview) AAAAAAAAGH! YEEAAAAH BOOOOOYS! (cups his ear) That's right. I can hear it. It's them bitches crying!
:'''Tennille''': Do you need anything?
:'''Jim''': No, I'm cool. (interview) It was just scraps of meat, everywhere. It was a kitchen-pocalypse. Like a hand grenade went off in a cow's ass.

=== Episode Six [6.06] ===

:''[In the final round of the health food challenge]''
:'''Gordon''': Gentlemen, I can't wait for a fantastic dessert. I hope it's substantial. You've probably saved the best until last.
:''[Dave carries the platter with the blue team's dessert over to Ramsay]''
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Man, that had better be a giant piece of chocolate something, to beat us!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) I was worried, the girls had some really nice stuff. This has got to kick some ass.
:'''Andy''': (interview) I make an apple fruit compote every day of my life. No problem.
:''[Dave lifts the lid on his platter, and Ramsay instantly starts laughing]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! What is that?
:'''Dave''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay laughed, it definitely like, stung. I felt like a loser. (Ramsay samples the dessert) Chef, we have an egg white crepe filled with a fruit compote, and we have a blackberry and vanilla yoghurt cream.
:'''Gordon''': It tastes... foul! That's the kind of crap they serve when you have a heart bypass or an ulcer operation, that is a joke! Back in line, Dave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tennille brings her mashed potatoes to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that the mashed potato was under-portioned]'' Oh, no. ''(returns to the workstation)'' Tennille! That's my two portions of mash, look at that. That's the way I get treated. ''(shows the mashed potatoes)'' What the fuck is that! ''[throws the pan down]'' Fuck off will you, yeah?
:'''Tennille''': (interview) I take something up to the pass, it's too much - take something else, it's not enough - he's just got to find something to bitch about!
:'''Gordon''': And what'd you want me to do, scoop round inside?
:'''Tennille''': I thought I was over-portioning again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're so bizarre - whether this is a joke or an act for you, let me just tell you something: you act pathetically. Why did you send me that pan with no mashed potato in there?
:'''Tennille''': Chef, the other orders you said I over-portioned chef, so I put up--
:'''Gordon''': So now you've gone back the other way with fuck-all in there! Is that clear?!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Good! You're upset now?
:'''Tennille''': Yeah, I'm fuckin' pissed off!
:'''Gordon''': I'm fucking glad you are! 'cause you're crap!
:'''Tennille''': ''You're'' crap. (interview) I'm sick, I'm sick of his shit, man! You're not going to keep talking to me like that!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, madam. Get out.
:'''Tennillle''': Yes, no problem, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get fucking out.
:'''Tennille''': Oh, I'm out!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Oh, no!
:'''Gordon''': Get the fuck out of here!
:'''Tennille''': Fuck you... fuck you! (interview) Right now, I'm pissed off and I'm trying to maintain my cool for slapping him in his jaw.
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thanks a lot, Tennille. (interview) Now we have to work her station. Thanks a lot!
:''[Gordon follows Tennille to the back area, following her walk-out]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey!
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': That's right. That's right.
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not, you're lying.
:'''Tennille''': YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!
:'''Gordon''': You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': I'M BUSTING MY ASS! GET OFF MY BACK!
:'''Gordon''': Get off your back? Who the fuck-- You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY BACK! I'M BUSTING MY ASS, YOU KNOW I AM! LET ME DO MY JOB!
:'''Gordon''': Don't you dare turn around and tell me that I'm fucking crap--
:'''Tennille''': You know off my ass!
:'''Gordon''': --or you FUCK OFF through those doors! That's right!
:'''Tennille''': You can dish it, but you can't take it?! ''[pushes over a rack of trays]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, what are you doing?
:'''Tennille''': COME ON, LET ME IN THE KITCHEN! JUST LET ME IN THE KITCHEN!
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me, you're not-
:'''Tennille''': It's not good enough for you, man!
:'''Gordon''': You're not listening to me! Shut your fat fucking mouth and listen to me! The potatoes are--
:'''Tennille''': I'm trying to learn from you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not learning, you're only opening your fat mouth!
:'''Tennille''': I am! I am! You're the one who's trying to--
:'''Gordon''': Shut up, then! Shut up! Are you going to keep it shut? (Tennille doesn't reply) Are you going to keep it shut?
:'''Tennille''': Shut.
:'''Gordon''': Good! If you can't hack it, fuck off. If you can, get back in there! ''[Tennille returns to the kitchen]'' Hey madam!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! I want an answer!
:'''Tennille''': I'm on my way back into the kitchen, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': Good! Let's go.
:''[Tennille returns to the kitchen, where Amanda and Suzanne have taken over the garnishes]''
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY STATION, PLEASE!! What's working?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (After eliminating Jim from Hell's Kitchen) Big man, let me tell you something. I can teach a chef how to cook but I can't give you a heart. You're not the Tin Man and I'm not the fucking Wizard of Oz.

=== Episode Seven [6.07] ===
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! (to Kevin) Hey, Kevin, you're starting to piss me off! '''PUT IT DOWN!''' When I ask you to stop with you're doing, you better fucking stop it! Come here! Cocky! OUT OF THE WAY! (holds a cooked rabbit) Fucking raw! (throws the cooked rabbit on the floor) (Kevin) Happy now? You're standing there tossing your tagliatelle to make yourself look good, I'm serving raw rabbit, Chef?
:'''Kevin:''' Understood, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Robert) You? Fuck off!
:'''Robert:''' Yeah. Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' DON'T START ACTING LIKE A BABY OVER IT!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT ACTING LIKE-!
:'''Gordon:''' SHUT IT! SWITCH IT OFF! ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE DONE!
:'''Dave:''' Fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert:''' (interview) (after blue team lost the dinner service) Yes, I have bad service. But I do not deserve to go home. Because people here, but Andy has better than me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Robert, tell me why do think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen on the back of that performance?
:'''Robert:''' My history here in Hell's Kitchen never been on the block once. And I'm disgusted that I even share the same fucking stage this guy (Andy) right here. Been here three times not bad for the team always fucking around.

=== Episode Eight [6.08] ===

:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell... What's the matter?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Raw, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': It's not cooked.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell. Sabrina!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look, raw! Like you're still running around in the fucking field! Is that on purpose?!
:'''Sabrina Greset''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So '''WHY?!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) I should have stuck to my grounds when I said it wasn't ready. I said we can't go and Suzanne forced me to go. Suzy fucked me.
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam! Madam, come here! (gives her the lamb) Take that. 
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Inconsistent, dry lamb on the outside, raw in the centre! Fuck off and eat it! (leads Sabrina to the dining room) There you go! Taste your own medicine! '''PISS OFF!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thank you, chef.

=== Episode Nine [6.09] ===
:'''Andy:''' Ah! (hurts his finger when slicing a potato) Fuck me!
:'''Scott Leibfried:''' Medic! I need a medic!
:'''Dave:''' Are you serious?
:'''Andy:''' Aahhh! It's just a cut, second on the middle thumb, middle finger. It's getting in the fingers too.
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Andy liked the tipped off his fingers more literally taken off. It was so deep and so horrible.
:'''Medical crew:''' (Dispatching to the paramedics) I have Andy. He needs to go to the clinic and needs stitches on its all three fingers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I'll finish two crepes.
:'''Kevin:''' (interview) Andy was just fucking up all night long. He's just turn into a disaster. (to Andy) Bring one crepe up, and I'll follow with another.
:'''Gordon:''' Andy, what aren't you doing anything?
:'''Andy:''' He's (Kevin) assisting me, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You're not assisting him, you're doing it! And he's standing there watching you. (to Andy) Hey, you! Hey, come here! Do me a favour: FUCK OFF! UPSTAIRS! GET OUT! PISS OFF! ''(to the remaining members of the Blue team)'' Anyone who acts like a fucking idiot can piss off! (to Van) Hello! Are you listening?
:'''Van:''' I'm listening chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Next fucking person out! Concentrate!
:'''Blue team:''' Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Suzanne]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me. (returns to the workstation) Come here, both (Sabrina Gresset and Suzanne) of you! It's requested med-rare! All of you, come here! Touch that! Yeah, touch that! Touch that - YOU (Sabrina) TOUCH IT AS WELL!! What is that?!
:'''Suzanne''': Medium-well, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Medium-well?
:'''Suzanne''': Well-done, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, hey! Overcooked!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) I overcooked liked an entire pan of lamb. Oh, it's terrible!
:'''Gordon''': (slams the plates down) Medium-well? And... that's well done? (to Suzanne and Sabrina) Well-done to you! And well-done to you! I can't believe just how inconsistent you are!! Do me a favour: You and you FUCK OFF UPSTAIRS! GET OUT!! Both of you!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Holy shit! He's going to shut us down!
:'''Gordon''': Get out! Get out!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Cottle:''' (interview) (after escape elimination) We don't want Suzanne (moved to blue team), we don't want her all. But it doesn't matter what jacket Suzanne has all on me. She's going to go home just like anybody else. I will be the last man standing.

=== Episode Ten [6.10] ===

:''[Gordon has found out that Van has brought up 7 scallops instead of 6]''
:'''Gordon''': Van, come here! Straight away! Two three's are what?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two times three?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two three's are what? Two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm kind of confused on that right now. (to Gordon) What?
:'''Gordon''': Van!
:'''Van''': I don't understand chef.
:'''Gordon''': You don't understand two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I can count, yes. (to Gordon) Yeah, it's six.
:'''Gordon''': So you gave me seven--
:'''Van''': I gave you an extra. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
:'''Gordon''': Dumbo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sees the halibut was raw]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, all of us! Just come here! Come here, all of you! Look, it's not... it's just... no, it's not about &quot;oh&quot;! (angrily smashes the halibut on the plate after someone says &quot;oh&quot; in disappointment) it's not about that!
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Oh... damn! Halibut splurged all over my face and like I have little tiny like bits of halibut in my eyes.

=== Episode Eleven [6.11] ===

:'''Gordon''': Van, so you started to sear on the sea bass. Come here! Quick and you leave it there! You're searing a sea bass!
:'''Van''': It's big.
:'''Gordon''': '''LISTEN TO ME!!!'''
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't sent the appetisers!
:'''Van''': (interview) HERE WE GO AGAIN! NEW FUCKING NIGHT!
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Hey! I'm watching you like a horn fucking eagle! Poissonier! Let's go.
:''[Van begins to cook scallops]''
:'''Van''': Coming up, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Scallops!
:'''Van''': Coming right now, chef. ''[beads of sweat fell on his scallops]''
:'''Gordon''': Van! VAN! NO, NO, STOP! Come here, you're sweating in the food!
:'''Van''': It's hot, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I know it's fucking hot!! (throws his spoon down) YOU'RE SWEATING IN THE FOOD!
:'''Van''': (interview) Man, I was sweating my ass off. (flashback of sweat fell on his scallops) I own there to win the food.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) What's wrong with you? Serve them? By the way, you can touch on there that one. Look at me, help me out of here!
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm not going to bust my ass, bro. I'm sweating my ass off! (to Gordon) I'm working that I can do for you chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're sweating in the food, Van.
:'''Van''': (interview) He makes me look like a bitch constantly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon finds a lettuce burning on Ariel's station]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(gets Ariel's garnish pan)'' Just stop! Come here, come here. '''ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!!'''
:'''Dave''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (points to Ariel) You!
:'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.
:'''Gordon''': Look!
:'''Ariel''': (interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you doing?! In front of your fucking eyes!! ''(throws the pan in the bin)'' This is not possible! '''NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!!'''
:'''Ariel''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce)'' WHO THE FUCK'S GOING TO EAT THAT?!! (throws it in the bin)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[after Ariel burned the lettuce, Gordon has reached his breaking point]''
:'''Gordon''': Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]
:'''Van''': Is that it? Or what?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.
:'''Sous-Chef Scott''': Not worth it.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck them.
:'''Dave''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Gordon''': Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': They're gone. So, are they coming back?
:'''Gordon''': I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon and Sous-Chef Scott return to the kitchen; Gordon calls Van, Ariel and Suzanne to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Kevin in the dining room)'' Kevin, now.
:'''Kevin''': (interview) Oh, shit. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Urgently, Kevin. Let's go. (Kevin enters the kitchen) I've never done that. No-one's ever pushed me that far to fucking just disappear in my own fucking restaurant. Nobody! (to Van, Ariel and Suzanne) You, you, you. Fuck off, will you, yeah?! Get out of here! Just get out! All of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Van may have been a ''poissonier'', but his performance on fish was anything but ''Van''tastic.

=== Episode Twelve [6.12] ===

:'''Gordon''': Suzanne had a red jacket, she had a blue jacket, she had a black jacket. Now she has no jacket.

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [6.01] ===

:''[Louie has brought up his signature dish]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that?
:'''Louie''': Sausage gravy over biscuits.
:'''Gordon''': Sausage gravy?
:'''Louie''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Over biscuits?
:'''Louie''': Yes. I sell about five gallons of it a week.
:'''Gordon''': Gallons? What, you sell this to pigs?
:'''Louie''': No, actually, I own a diner.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, okay. And how much do you charge for that?
:'''Louie''': $4.75.
:'''Gordon''': $4.75?
:'''Louie''': Yeah. With coffee.
:''[Gordon tastes some of the dish, and quickly spits it out in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me.
:'''Louie''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong with it? It tastes like gunk.
:'''Louie''': ''[glares at Gordon]'' (interview) Hundreds of people eat that in my diner each week. I don't think it was worth spitting out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I feel like a dog that's been taken off his leash. I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I want this, and I'm going to get it. None of them will get in my fucking way.
:'''Gordon''': So, this is...?
:'''Joseph''': This right here's a roasted veal chop, with roasted root vegetables.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh. Lovely colour on there.
:'''Joseph''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': What a shame the Brussels sprouts are rock hard. Are they supposed to be that crunchy?
:'''Joseph''': No, they're not.
:'''Gordon''': (gives a sprout to Joseph) Will you have a little taste for me please?
:'''Joseph''': Absolutely. You got a fork? (interview) I ain't no animal. If there's a fork available, I like to fucking use it.
:'''Gordon''': You can bite that. You're a big boy.
:'''Joseph''': I'm not an animal. (interview) Do I look like a caveman? Do I eat with my fucking hands?
:'''Gordon''': Don't get defensive. Relax.
:'''Tony''': (interview) I was like &quot;Damn! Throw it down, Chef Ramsay!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Are you mad?
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Me and him, we're gonna go head to head, without a fuckin' doubt. I will drag him out to the parking lot by his fuckin' jacket and stomp the shit outta him. That's bullshit! I nailed that fuckin' dish. He knew it and I knew it! No fuckin' way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Tony and Amanda) Let's go.
:''[Tony and Amanda went in front of Gordon to present their dishes]''
:'''Amanda''': Two seconds chef. I need to grab one thing.
:''[Amanda returns to the pass to get two shots of tequila]''
:'''Gordon''': What's that?
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': Tequila.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) I'm definitely asking Chef Ramsay to do a shot of tequila with me. It goes with the dish.
:'''Gordon''': And what's your dish?
:'''Amanda''': Margarita French toast with tequila lime butter.
:'''Gordon''': Show me? ''[looking at Amanda's dish]'' I thought you were joking. You're cooking a slice of fucking toast dipped in egg with...
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': ...to get me drunk.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four... (cuts to Amanda took a shot of tequila) Give me a lot more! Keep on going!
:''[Gordon was shocked at Amanda]''
:'''Lovely''': (interview) Are you kidding me? (laughs) Why would you do that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises a piece of toast with a knife]'' That's it? (brief pause) What the fuck were you doing for 42 minutes? Because that takes literally 3 minutes. SHOCKING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Melinda''': We have a poached lobster and savory portobello mushrooms. (interview) My dish is very rich and succulent and luscious and velvety. You just feel what's happening on your mouth and the satisfaction that comes. ''[laughs]''
:''[Melinda lifts the lid off her dish, revealing that the mushrooms make up most of the dish, with just a few small chunks of lobster scattered around; Gordon is shocked]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the lobster tail? ''[portions her dish]'' Where's the fucking tail?
:'''Melinda''': During the cooking process, I had some challenges.
:''[Gordon raises the &quot;tail&quot;]''
:'''Gordon''': Poached lobster tail, where's the fucking tail? ''[grabs Melinda's plate and throws it in the trash]'' Absolutely fucking pathetic!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Dang... That's another zero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Before dinner service]''
:'''Narrator''': But moments from opening, his optimism...
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees some fondants at the pass]'' Oh, dear. Who cooked these?
:'''Narrator''': ...begins to fade.
:'''Gordon''': Who cooked the fondants?
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Lovely.
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls out Lovely]'' Lovely!
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Which they're not... come here! Why these are cooked? We put it in the oven when the order comes on.
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't even opened yet and you cooked them.
:'''Tennille''': (interview) That's all we have to work with. We're fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises one fondant]'' Look at that! ''[scoops the fondant and drops it]'' Look. It's like a fucking hockey puck. Oh, my God! We're not even opened yet and you screwed it up! What a fucking disaster!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) That's it. The end.
:'''Gordon''': 'Get fffucked!!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) Obviously I was thrown in a kitchen with a bunch of circus clowns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Jim]''
:'''Gordon''': Jim!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me. Three scallops cut in half means what?
:'''Jim''': Six pieces.
:'''Gordon''': I've got four! Are you doing this on purpose to get me going?
:'''Jim''': No.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Don't insult Chef Ramsay's intelligence.
:'''Gordon''': So look at me. Count to six for me.
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
:'''Gordon''': Louder!
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef. (interview) I just wasn't paying attention. Ones and twos, and threes and twos, and I thought I had yahtzee at one point.
:'''Gordon''': Jim, one minute out, drop six pieces of scallop.
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks the scallops on Tek's station]''
:'''Gordon''': Look at this. I swear to God, ''[gets some scallops]'' it's the kind of shit you'd expect Tiger Woods to tee off with. Look at it. Rubber, rubber, RUBBER! ''[throws the scallops away]''
:'''Narrator''': But, they have to start over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's cappelini) It's limp and shit!
:'''Narrator''': And over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Tek's scallops) It's fucking raw!! ''[throws the scallops away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon notices Louie putting an unseasoned lamb in the oven]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie? Did you just put the lamb in the oven?
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir.
:'''Gordon''': OH, MY GOD! ''[calls out the entire team]'' Hey guys come here quick! At least you know, Louie's on entrées and the fucking lamb goes in the oven like that. No salt, no pepper, no seasoning, not even seared! ''[slams the lamb on the plate]'' (to Louie) Louie, why do we sear meat?
:'''Louie''': To lock in the juices, sir.
:'''Gordon''': To give it colour, to improve the flavour!
:'''Louie''': Sorry, sir.
:'''Jim''': (interview) You're a man. There's a primary instinct inside you that knows how to cook meat. You need to find it.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon returns to the Red kitchen for the Red team's appetizers]''
:'''Gordon''': For the eighth time, can I have one fucking scallops and a fucking beautifully cooked capellini?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's capellini) Is that cooked? It looks undercooked.
:'''Melinda''': Is it cooked?
:'''Gordon''': (tastes the capellini) Not cooked.
:'''Melinda''': Not cooked?
:'''Gordon''': Nah, that's not cooked. Not cooked. (Melinda throws the undercooked capellini away) Oh, my God! Why did you throw that away, Melinda? Just put it back on the stove, put the lid on the top and, 30 seconds cooking it! What do you do, you just... trash it straight away!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Melinda... she had that deer-in-the-headlights look and that'll kill you.
:'''Gordon''': (Discovers a [[:wikipedia:Capellini|capellini]] thrown in the bin) Look at all this fucking... who's putting all this in the bin?! How many portions are you putting in there? How much is in the bin?! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!'''
:'''Narrator''': An hour into dinner service and the red team has cooked ten appetizers. But unfortunately, none of them have made it to the dining room.
:'''Gordon''': (to Melinda) Hey, madam, ''how much capellini are you throwing away''? (Melinda doesn't reply) Look at it! What are you doing, Melinda?! What are you doing?!
:''[Melinda begins attempted interview and doesn't speak]''
:'''Gordon''': You're making me mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Salmon, lamb please, how long?
:'''Tennille''': Seven minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, what's that piece of shit there?
:'''Suzanne''': It's supposed to be the salmon.
:'''Gordon''': Holy fuck! Look at that. It's like a... bison's penis - what is that shit? ''[opens up the salmon wrap, revealing the interior to be totally frozen]'' Look at that! Stone-cold, frozen salmon. Who put the salmon in the freezer?
:'''Amanda''': Me. I fucked it up. (interview) The salmon was my fault because I stuck it in the freezer instead of the fridge, and it was frozen.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you fucked up, big time!
:'''Tek''': All the salmon's the same, I think we should try and fix it.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, 'cos she's wrapped it frozen.
:'''Heather''': And we have five on order.
:'''Gordon''': We've got five on order?
:'''Heather''': Five on order.
:'''Gordon''': (to Amanda) Hey, ditzy! Great job!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Louie]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie! ''[raises a chewed up piece of lamb]'' Wh... what is that?! What is that?! Did you bite that? Look! That's one, that's the other! It's on the same fucking table!!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Louie's lost. He's out of his league.
:''[Gordon discovers that Louie has wasted a huge amount of lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': What's all that lamb here? Look at this! Hey, Van! You, hey, Joseph! Stop! Look... at... this! Look! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!''' LOUIE!
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off back there! '''GET OUT'''! YES! Get '''FUCKED''', pile of '''SHIT'''! Hey, get upstairs, get your bags packed...
:'''Louie''': Can I help? Can I help in the kitchen?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you can help me: '''GET OUT!!!'''
:'''Louie''': (interview) You want me out? You want me to pack my fuckin' bags? I'm out. My bags are packed. YOU CAN KISS - MY - FUCKING - '''ASS!!!'''
:'''Narrator''': With the kitchen at a complete standstill, Chef Ramsay is left with no choice.
:'''Gordon''': (to Joseph) Switch it OFF!
:'''Joseph''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to the red team) Fuck off!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Anybody sitting at home thinking they can do this...Good luck. It's tough.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I've never had a dinner service like that. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sits with Robert at one of the tables]''
:'''Gordon''': First of all, it's bloody good to see you. Yes.
:'''Robert''': Thank you, chef. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': You lost your opportunity due to health reasons... right now, I'd love you to seriously consider ''[pause for effect]'' coming back into Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Robert''': (interview) I've a second chance, and you know, you don't get many second chances in life. ''[to Gordon]'' I would love to take that offer. ''[applause from the other tables]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Melinda was completely lost in space. So I sent her back to whatever planet she came from.

=== Episode Two [6.02] ===

:''[During the Blue Team's reward where they are having Shrimp Cocktails with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': Enjoy it.
:'''Dave''': It's a treat to be sitting here by Chef and not being screamed at.
:'''Gordon''': Trust me, each and every service, you're going to get stronger. Have you any idea how much shit I've taken in the kitchen? And the more I took, the better I became.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) What am I learning by shooting shit? Nothing. What gets accomplished by running your mouth? Not a thing.
:'''Joseph''': I didn't come here for lunches you know. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not going to lose my eye on the prize.
:'''Dave''': Well, we're fired up too, man. I'm not relaxing because I get to have a good nice lunch with the chef.
:'''Joseph''': It's good to get out but I don't really care.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Joseph, he's a complete dick. He's a little hotheaded, and he's being a little too intense in the way he disrespects Chef Ramsay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass after seeing Van serving tableside to a Red diner]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Chef, he's going to the wrong table.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no. VAN, COME HERE!!
:'''Van''': (to a Red diner) I'm going to get yelled at right now, but I'll be right back. ''[returns to the pass]'' (to Gordon) Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': That's the Red table. You're running the Blue. Hey Bozo, give me one scampi special on the right table.
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, what's the matter between you two?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': There's a language barrier there.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I know, but he's from Texas. ''[Gordon rolls his tongue around]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) Don't run in the restaurant, please?
:'''Van''': (interview) Jean-Philippe better stop trying to tell me what to do. I know that.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I'm going to explode. I'm going to explode, my friend! Listen to me!
:'''Tony''': (interview) WHOA, WHOA! JP! He's about to like pound him down. DAMN!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van and even turns red) Listen! Listen! '''LISTEN TO ME!!'''
:'''Andy''': (interview) I cannot believe I'm seeing this.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Listen to me!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) He's going to fucking hit him.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) We have a problem here!
:'''Jim''': (interview) Hit him!
:'''Van''': (to Jean-Philippe) Don't touch me, bro! You better get out of my face! (JP pushes Van)
:''[Gordon saw JP and Van fighting; becomes furious]''
:'''Gordon''': OI!! Hey, stop! Hey both of you, come here! (referring Van) Bozo, both of you, come here! NOW!
:'''Van''': I'm going to fuck you up, bro. (interview) We're going to get it down and it's going to be a first round knockout.
:'''Gordon''': What's is going on?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) He's got no respect, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': DON'T SHOUT! WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS NOW!!!
:'''Van''': I'm sorry, Chef.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': He's not respecting his dining room, Chef.
:'''Van''': (interview) Bitch, shut the fuck up. He thinks he's some kind of boss man around here and he ain't nothing.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Calm down, listen to him. (to Jean-Philippe) And you, pay a little bit to respect. ''[points to Van]'' And if you do your job, ''[points to Jean-Philippe]'' And if you do your job, we'll come together. 'Cause right now, you're turning the whole place upside down, are you going to do it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) If he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes, I will if he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Last chance.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[Letting Van out of the pantry first]'' Ladies first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?
:'''Andy''': Just a second. I'll cook it a little bit more.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees what Andy is doing]'' Oh, no. Oh, dear. We're cutting up a piece of chicken and frying it off. What do you think it is, chicken nuggets? OI!! Come here you! Now you've cut them up like bits of chicken nugget, and fryin' them off?
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fuckin' donkey!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Andy, if you're sitting there all night long with a meat thermometer on your arm, why are you not checking the chickens? What the fuck is it doing on your arm? It don't look good on you.
:'''Gordon''': ''[grabs Andy's pan]'' Is that how you cook in Whistler?
:'''Andy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So why are you cooking it like it now?!
:'''Andy''': I made a mistake chef.
:''[Gordon throws the pan into the sink]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon asks for chicken in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': One roasted crown chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees that the chicken is burnt]'' It's burnt, the chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Is it?
:'''Gordon''': It's crispy and burnt! Oh, my God!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Damn!
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the Blue team]'' Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!
:'''Dave''': (interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.
:'''Gordon''': I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!
:'''Suzanne''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay says &quot;You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!&quot; That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.
:'''Narrator''': With no cooking required...
:'''Van''': GO! GO!! GO!!!
:'''Narrator''': ...both kitchens...
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Five more right here.
:'''Narrator''': ...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.
:'''Lady''': A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!
:'''Tony''': (interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like ''[imitates a machine gun]'' blow us all away!
:'''Gordon''': The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me! You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand! And what's the point of going on? Shut it down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After a disastrous dinner service in which both teams lost, the Red team has already nominated Lovely and Tennille for elimination, and the Blue team is about to nominate two of its chefs]''
:'''Gordon''': Blue team. Joseph: let's be honest, that's a pretty sorry battalion you got there, isn't it.
:'''Joseph''': Right now it is.
:'''Gordon''': Who's the first nominee for the men?
:'''Joseph''': They can speak for themselves but they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': Hey smartass, I asked ''you'' to tell me. Who's the first nominee, and why?
:'''Joseph''': No problem: Tony, and Andy.
:'''Gordon''': Listen... I know you may be slightly stupid. First nominee and why?
:'''Joseph''': First nominee and why? Tony. He knows why. We sat down as a group and they wouldn't pick each other. You know. No peer pressure! We're men!
:'''Gordon''': Just, just just - what do you want, a fucking medal?
:'''Joseph''': What do you want me to fuckin' say? What do you want me to say? They know who they fuckin' are. We chose as a group and they stand out and they said they belong there. Stand up, they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': ''[approaches Joseph]'' Listen, you chippy idiot. I asked for one nominee and why, plain English. And you're mouthing off, and you couldn't answer me. Now can you just tell me, in fucking plain English, the first nominee, and why he's nominated. Is that fucking clear?!
:'''Joseph''': That's clear!
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! ''[walks back]'' Unbelievable! One simple request, who and why, and you make a big fucking song and dance about it!
:'''Joseph''': I ain't no fuckin' bitch, chef! I don't give a fuck. I ain't no bitch!
:'''Gordon''': ...what???
:'''Joseph''': I'm not no bitch!
:'''Robert''': He's trying to bring the best out of you. You got to look past it.
:'''Joseph''': He's not bringing the best out of me.
:'''Ariel''': Yeah, show some respect.
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth is what you should do right now.
:'''Suzanne''': Come on, man!
:'''Joseph''': I'm talkin' here. I don't give a fuck about you. I didn't come here for you.
:'''Suzanne''': You want to be an executive chef, Joe?
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Tek''': You signed up to fucking learn and grow, and...
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, shut your fuckin' mouth.
:'''Tek''': ...you do this, dude!
:'''Gordon''': Okay! Answer the fucking question!
:'''Joseph''': You keep talkin' like this, I'll have you out in the fuckin' parking lot! I don't give a fuck. What do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon''': I ask the fucking questions, YOU give the fucking answers!
:'''Joseph''': ''[takes off his jacket and walks out of the line]'' Fuck that shit, dawg. I ain't here for that! ''[approaches Gordon and tosses his jacket at him]'' You want a fuckin' jacket? You want talk some shit? Let's go step outside, mo'fucker! ''[gets in Gordon's face]'' I ain't here for that, dawg!

=== Episode Three [6.03] ===

''[continuing the confrontation from the episode before. A couple of guards step in to separate Joseph from Gordon.]
:'''Joseph''': Want to talk about fuckin' fighting?
:'''Gordon''': Oh wow.
:'''Joseph''': Want to get fuckin' rough?
:'''Gordon''': You think I'm scared? Ah? Look at you.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, keep talking for the fuckin' cameras.
:'''Gordon''': You've just blown your - Yeah, fuck the cameras.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:'''Joseph''': Let's go step outside!
:'''Gordon''': Out in front here? I asked you one simple question, and you couldn't fucking answer me. And then you want to get all tough and up close and personal.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you.
:'''Gordon''': There you go.
:'''Joseph''': You ain't none but a bitch.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no respect.
:'''Joseph''': No respect?
:'''Gordon''': Now get out.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you. You fuckin' bitch! ''[Double flips off the chefs]'' Fuck all y'all! Right? ''[the guards lead him out, he trips over the step]''
:'''Gordon''': Watch the step.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, watch the step, bitch.
:'''Gordon''': What an idiot. Total, total shame. ''[kicks Joseph's jacket up to the table]''
:'''Joseph''': (outside the restaurant) I don't need this and that. I don't need some limey - fuckin' - prick - talking to me like that. Without skippin' a beat, I'll go back home, I'll work! Anybody who fuckin' hires me to work in their kitchen, they'll be proud to have me there! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (after sparing Lovely and Tennille from elimination) Now listen up: Because Joseph took himself out of the competition, tonight you get a gift--and I'm not sending anybody home. Last chance.
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Understand?
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And I've got one more thing to say to you - in fact, to you all: (in Joseph's tone) I'm nobody's bitch. (everyone laughs)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gordon''': Amanda!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Twelve threes?
:'''Amanda''': Nine! (that was the correct answer when she incorrectly made eight lamb chops [three portions of three, but she incorrectly said the answer to that question four times])
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Amanda''': Thirty-six chef. Thirty-six, I'm sorry, Chef.

=== Episode Four [6.04] ===

:''[The blue team has to clean up the dorms as punishment]''
:'''Robert''': Right now, I just want to win a challenge. I want to win. All through my life I hear bullshit. People thinking shit I'm too fat, too slow, too this, too that. I ain't about to be a loser, I hate it.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Good, Robert. That's how you should feel. It just kinda sucks that the intensity is coming out during being punished and not neccessarily during...
:'''Robert''': You know, chef I...Fuck!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Well Robert, what do you want me to tell you? You could've won, you didn't. But you know, the competitive parts should come out during that time and not afterwards.
:'''Robert''': (throws his broom down) I fucking almost died last time for this shit! Don't tell me I ain't giving my fucking 110%! Dancing around like fucking Fred Astaire all fucking day!! LAST SEASON, '''I ALMOST FUCKING DIED FOR THIS SHIT!!''' AND I'M HERE AGAIN AND I FUCKING DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT!! (Breaks his broom)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[both teams are coming down to the wire during service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?!
:'''Robert''': Come on! Come on!
:'''Andy''': (rushing with the chicken) Coming right behind you. Go now!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Hey, fucking nitwit, that is fucking raw.
:'''Robert''': Oh man! (interview) Here we go again!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': (gets in Andy's face) You get that ready by the time the rest of the fucking table is ready to go! You got it?!
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': GO!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a solid good dinner service for the second time in a row]''
:'''Gordon''': Right, no close. Ladies, you've beaten by the sides.
:'''Suzanne''': (raises her right hand) Chef, can I get play-by-play on that?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah first of all, okay? I'm telling you, straight to your face, you lost. And you, one more thing, you do have one more member than the men, they did it with eleven arms. No play-by-play, take it on the fucking chin, with a little bit of respect. End of fucking story.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': If people were named for their cooking, her name wouldn't be Lovely. It would be Useless.

=== Episode Five [6.05] ===

''[Gordon checks on lobster brought by Amanda]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on. This is not possible! ''(returns to the workstation)'' Come here! All of you, come here!
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Whatever it is, it's not my fault.
:'''Gordon''': This is not fucking possible! This cannot be true! ''[gets a piece of lobster]'' What is that there? What is that there?! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Suzanne''': This is---.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, its fucking raw! '''RAW!!''' ''[kicks the bins]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Come on, Amanda! All you have to do is put the lobster on the grill, make sure it didn't char, baste it and send it up. That's all you had to do!
:'''Gordon''': It's a fucking restaurant, not a sushi bar! How can you get confused on a raw fucking grilled lobster?! I don't know where to go! I can't even turn and look at the dining room, I'm so fucking embarrassed! This is still your first table... ''(points to the Blue kitchen)'' that's their last! FUCK OFF!! '''WE HAVEN'T SENT AN ENTRÉE OUT!! STUPID COWS!!!''' ''[crosses over to the Blue kitchen, where the men are starting to clear down]'' Oh, fucking hell... Hey, have you all finished?
:'''Andy''': Desserts chef.
:'''Gordon''': Desserts? Kevin, stay on desserts. All of you, come in here! Hey guys, get on a section will you, please, yes?
:''[The Blue team goes over to the Red kitchen and started working]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) AWWW! Add insult to injury, rub salt in the wound, what... just... happened?
:'''Gordon''': Away now: Two penne, three New York Strip, two chicken, one catfish!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Robert''': (interview) AAAAAAAAGH! YEEAAAAH BOOOOOYS! (cups his ear) That's right. I can hear it. It's them bitches crying!
:'''Tennille''': Do you need anything?
:'''Jim''': No, I'm cool. (interview) It was just scraps of meat, everywhere. It was a kitchen-pocalypse. Like a hand grenade went off in a cow's ass.

=== Episode Six [6.06] ===

:''[In the final round of the health food challenge]''
:'''Gordon''': Gentlemen, I can't wait for a fantastic dessert. I hope it's substantial. You've probably saved the best until last.
:''[Dave carries the platter with the blue team's dessert over to Ramsay]''
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Man, that had better be a giant piece of chocolate something, to beat us!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) I was worried, the girls had some really nice stuff. This has got to kick some ass.
:'''Andy''': (interview) I make an apple fruit compote every day of my life. No problem.
:''[Dave lifts the lid on his platter, and Ramsay instantly starts laughing]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! What is that?
:'''Dave''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay laughed, it definitely like, stung. I felt like a loser. (Ramsay samples the dessert) Chef, we have an egg white crepe filled with a fruit compote, and we have a blackberry and vanilla yoghurt cream.
:'''Gordon''': It tastes... foul! That's the kind of crap they serve when you have a heart bypass or an ulcer operation, that is a joke! Back in line, Dave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tennille brings her mashed potatoes to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that the mashed potato was under-portioned]'' Oh, no. ''(returns to the workstation)'' Tennille! That's my two portions of mash, look at that. That's the way I get treated. ''(shows the mashed potatoes)'' What the fuck is that! ''[throws the pan down]'' Fuck off will you, yeah?
:'''Tennille''': (interview) I take something up to the pass, it's too much - take something else, it's not enough - he's just got to find something to bitch about!
:'''Gordon''': And what'd you want me to do, scoop round inside?
:'''Tennille''': I thought I was over-portioning again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're so bizarre - whether this is a joke or an act for you, let me just tell you something: you act pathetically. Why did you send me that pan with no mashed potato in there?
:'''Tennille''': Chef, the other orders you said I over-portioned chef, so I put up--
:'''Gordon''': So now you've gone back the other way with fuck-all in there! Is that clear?!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Good! You're upset now?
:'''Tennille''': Yeah, I'm fuckin' pissed off!
:'''Gordon''': I'm fucking glad you are! 'cause you're crap!
:'''Tennille''': ''You're'' crap. (interview) I'm sick, I'm sick of his shit, man! You're not going to keep talking to me like that!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, madam. Get out.
:'''Tennillle''': Yes, no problem, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get fucking out.
:'''Tennille''': Oh, I'm out!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Oh, no!
:'''Gordon''': Get the fuck out of here!
:'''Tennille''': Fuck you... fuck you! (interview) Right now, I'm pissed off and I'm trying to maintain my cool for slapping him in his jaw.
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thanks a lot, Tennille. (interview) Now we have to work her station. Thanks a lot!
:''[Gordon follows Tennille to the back area, following her walk-out]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey!
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': That's right. That's right.
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not, you're lying.
:'''Tennille''': YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!
:'''Gordon''': You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': I'M BUSTING MY ASS! GET OFF MY BACK!
:'''Gordon''': Get off your back? Who the fuck-- You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY BACK! I'M BUSTING MY ASS, YOU KNOW I AM! LET ME DO MY JOB!
:'''Gordon''': Don't you dare turn around and tell me that I'm fucking crap--
:'''Tennille''': You know off my ass!
:'''Gordon''': --or you FUCK OFF through those doors! That's right!
:'''Tennille''': You can dish it, but you can't take it?! ''[pushes over a rack of trays]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, what are you doing?
:'''Tennille''': COME ON, LET ME IN THE KITCHEN! JUST LET ME IN THE KITCHEN!
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me, you're not-
:'''Tennille''': It's not good enough for you, man!
:'''Gordon''': You're not listening to me! Shut your fat fucking mouth and listen to me! The potatoes are--
:'''Tennille''': I'm trying to learn from you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not learning, you're only opening your fat mouth!
:'''Tennille''': I am! I am! You're the one who's trying to--
:'''Gordon''': Shut up, then! Shut up! Are you going to keep it shut? (Tennille doesn't reply) Are you going to keep it shut?
:'''Tennille''': Shut.
:'''Gordon''': Good! If you can't hack it, fuck off. If you can, get back in there! ''[Tennille returns to the kitchen]'' Hey madam!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! I want an answer!
:'''Tennille''': I'm on my way back into the kitchen, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': Good! Let's go.
:''[Tennille returns to the kitchen, where Amanda and Suzanne have taken over the garnishes]''
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY STATION, PLEASE!! What's working?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (After eliminating Jim from Hell's Kitchen) Big man, let me tell you something. I can teach a chef how to cook but I can't give you a heart. You're not the Tin Man and I'm not the fucking Wizard of Oz.

=== Episode Seven [6.07] ===
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! (to Kevin) Hey, Kevin, you're starting to piss me off! '''PUT IT DOWN!''' When I ask you to stop with you're doing, you better fucking stop it! Come here! Cocky! OUT OF THE WAY! (holds a cooked rabbit) Fucking raw! (throws the cooked rabbit on the floor) (Kevin) Happy now? You're standing there tossing your tagliatelle to make yourself look good, I'm serving raw rabbit, Chef?
:'''Kevin:''' Understood, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Robert) You? Fuck off!
:'''Robert:''' Yeah. Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' DON'T START ACTING LIKE A BABY OVER IT!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT ACTING LIKE-!
:'''Gordon:''' SHUT IT! SWITCH IT OFF! ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE DONE!
:'''Dave:''' Fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert:''' (interview) (after blue team lost the dinner service) Yes, I have bad service. But I do not deserve to go home. Because people here, but Andy has better than me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Robert, tell me why do think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen on the back of that performance?
:'''Robert:''' My history here in Hell's Kitchen never been on the block once. And I'm disgusted that I even share the same fucking stage this guy (Andy) right here. Been here three times not bad for the team always fucking around.

=== Episode Eight [6.08] ===

:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell... What's the matter?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Raw, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': It's not cooked.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell. Sabrina!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look, raw! Like you're still running around in the fucking field! Is that on purpose?!
:'''Sabrina Greset''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So '''WHY?!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) I should have stuck to my grounds when I said it wasn't ready. I said we can't go and Suzanne forced me to go. Suzy fucked me.
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam! Madam, come here! (gives her the lamb) Take that. 
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Inconsistent, dry lamb on the outside, raw in the centre! Fuck off and eat it! (leads Sabrina to the dining room) There you go! Taste your own medicine! '''PISS OFF!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thank you, chef.

=== Episode Nine [6.09] ===
:'''Andy:''' Ah! (hurts his finger when slicing a potato) Fuck me!
:'''Scott Leibfried:''' Medic! I need a medic!
:'''Dave:''' Are you serious?
:'''Andy:''' Aahhh! It's just a cut, second on the middle thumb, middle finger. It's getting in the fingers too.
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Andy liked the tipped off his fingers more literally taken off. It was so deep and so horrible.
:'''Medical crew:''' (Dispatching to the paramedics) I have Andy. He needs to go to the clinic and needs stitches on its all three fingers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I'll finish two crepes.
:'''Kevin:''' (interview) Andy was just fucking up all night long. He's just turn into a disaster. (to Andy) Bring one crepe up, and I'll follow with another.
:'''Gordon:''' Andy, what aren't you doing anything?
:'''Andy:''' He's (Kevin) assisting me, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You're not assisting him, you're doing it! And he's standing there watching you. (to Andy) Hey, you! Hey, come here! Do me a favour: FUCK OFF! UPSTAIRS! GET OUT! PISS OFF! ''(to the remaining members of the Blue team)'' Anyone who acts like a fucking idiot can piss off! (to Van) Hello! Are you listening?
:'''Van:''' I'm listening chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Next fucking person out! Concentrate!
:'''Blue team:''' Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Suzanne]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me. (returns to the workstation) Come here, both (Sabrina Gresset and Suzanne) of you! It's requested med-rare! All of you, come here! Touch that! Yeah, touch that! Touch that - YOU (Sabrina) TOUCH IT AS WELL!! What is that?!
:'''Suzanne''': Medium-well, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Medium-well?
:'''Suzanne''': Well-done, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, hey! Overcooked!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) I overcooked liked an entire pan of lamb. Oh, it's terrible!
:'''Gordon''': (slams the plates down) Medium-well? And... that's well done? (to Suzanne and Sabrina) Well-done to you! And well-done to you! I can't believe just how inconsistent you are!! Do me a favour: You and you FUCK OFF UPSTAIRS! GET OUT!! Both of you!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Holy shit! He's going to shut us down!
:'''Gordon''': Get out! Get out!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Cottle:''' (interview) (after escape elimination) We don't want Suzanne (moved to blue team), we don't want her all. But it doesn't matter what jacket Suzanne has all on me. She's going to go home just like anybody else. I will be the last man standing.

=== Episode Ten [6.10] ===

:''[Gordon has found out that Van has brought up 7 scallops instead of 6]''
:'''Gordon''': Van, come here! Straight away! Two three's are what?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two times three?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two three's are what? Two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm kind of confused on that right now. (to Gordon) What?
:'''Gordon''': Van!
:'''Van''': I don't understand chef.
:'''Gordon''': You don't understand two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I can count, yes. (to Gordon) Yeah, it's six.
:'''Gordon''': So you gave me seven--
:'''Van''': I gave you an extra. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
:'''Gordon''': Dumbo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sees the halibut was raw]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, all of us! Just come here! Come here, all of you! Look, it's not... it's just... no, it's not about &quot;oh&quot;! (angrily smashes the halibut on the plate after someone says &quot;oh&quot; in disappointment) it's not about that!
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Oh... damn! Halibut splurged all over my face and like I have little tiny like bits of halibut in my eyes.

=== Episode Eleven [6.11] ===

:'''Gordon''': Van, so you started to sear on the sea bass. Come here! Quick and you leave it there! You're searing a sea bass!
:'''Van''': It's big.
:'''Gordon''': '''LISTEN TO ME!!!'''
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't sent the appetisers!
:'''Van''': (interview) HERE WE GO AGAIN! NEW FUCKING NIGHT!
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Hey! I'm watching you like a horn fucking eagle! Poissonier! Let's go.
:''[Van begins to cook scallops]''
:'''Van''': Coming up, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Scallops!
:'''Van''': Coming right now, chef. ''[beads of sweat fell on his scallops]''
:'''Gordon''': Van! VAN! NO, NO, STOP! Come here, you're sweating in the food!
:'''Van''': It's hot, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I know it's fucking hot!! (throws his spoon down) YOU'RE SWEATING IN THE FOOD!
:'''Van''': (interview) Man, I was sweating my ass off. (flashback of sweat fell on his scallops) I own there to win the food.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) What's wrong with you? Serve them? By the way, you can touch on there that one. Look at me, help me out of here!
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm not going to bust my ass, bro. I'm sweating my ass off! (to Gordon) I'm working that I can do for you chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're sweating in the food, Van.
:'''Van''': (interview) He makes me look like a bitch constantly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon finds a lettuce burning on Ariel's station]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(gets Ariel's garnish pan)'' Just stop! Come here, come here. '''ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!!'''
:'''Dave''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (points to Ariel) You!
:'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.
:'''Gordon''': Look!
:'''Ariel''': (interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you doing?! In front of your fucking eyes!! ''(throws the pan in the bin)'' This is not possible! '''NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!!'''
:'''Ariel''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce)'' WHO THE FUCK'S GOING TO EAT THAT?!! (throws it in the bin)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[after Ariel burned the lettuce, Gordon has reached his breaking point]''
:'''Gordon''': Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]
:'''Van''': Is that it? Or what?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.
:'''Sous-Chef Scott''': Not worth it.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck them.
:'''Dave''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Gordon''': Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': They're gone. So, are they coming back?
:'''Gordon''': I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon and Sous-Chef Scott return to the kitchen; Gordon calls Van, Ariel and Suzanne to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Kevin in the dining room)'' Kevin, now.
:'''Kevin''': (interview) Oh, shit. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Urgently, Kevin. Let's go. (Kevin enters the kitchen) I've never done that. No-one's ever pushed me that far to fucking just disappear in my own fucking restaurant. Nobody! (to Van, Ariel and Suzanne) You, you, you. Fuck off, will you, yeah?! Get out of here! Just get out! All of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Van may have been a ''poissonier'', but his performance on fish was anything but ''Van''tastic.

=== Episode Twelve [6.12] ===

:'''Gordon''': Suzanne had a red jacket, she had a blue jacket, she had a black jacket. Now she has no jacket.

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>WWE Raw</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:02:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* January 24 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="503993" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 16===
:''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!
:Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' 
:You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 24===
:''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]''
:'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants &quot;Rocky!&quot;]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
:'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock.
:'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'.

===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===February 7===
:''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]''
:'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.
:'''Cactus Jack''': You name it.
:'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.
:'''Cactus Jack''': &quot;So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in fifteen years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.
:'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]''

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===

:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===

:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:USA shows]]
[[Category:WWE]]
[[Category:American sports TV shows]]
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="503987" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

== 1996 ==

===February 19===
:''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]''
:'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What?!
:'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the &quot;great one&quot;; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper.
:'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
:'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you &quot;Hot Rod&quot;. &quot;Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids.&quot; I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
:''[the crowd cheers again]''
:'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon??
:'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy &quot;Rowdy&quot; Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
:'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

===May 27===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?
:'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...
:'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?
:'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.
:'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie?
:'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the &quot;Million Dollar Man&quot; Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

=== September 23 ===
:'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, &quot;Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R.&quot; I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

===November 11===
:''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? 
:'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock...
:'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God!
:'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

== 1997 ==

=== January 20 ===
:''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]''
:'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say!
:'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here?
:'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, &quot;Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt.&quot; So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, &quot;No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion.&quot; Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

=== March 3 ===
:''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]''
:'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?
:'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; &quot;Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him.&quot; Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say &quot;I quit! I submit! I've had too much!&quot; There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!
:'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!
:'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

=== March 17 ===
:''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]''
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
:''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]''
:'''Lawler:''' WHOA!!
:'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!!
:'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion!
:'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring!
:'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!
:'''Lawler:''' Cut him off!
:'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
:'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying &quot;At WrestleMania,...&quot;) You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!
:'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]''
:'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
:''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]''
:'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
:''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]''
:'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

=== March 24 ===

:'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?
:'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you? You did not hear him say the words, &quot;I quit,&quot; did you?
:'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, &quot;I quit,&quot; but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.
:'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, &quot;The Hitman&quot; Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.
:'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?
:'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.
:'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

:And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

:You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, &quot;The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to.&quot; Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

:They say &quot;Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble.&quot; So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.
:'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened.
:'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. &quot;Don't quit! Think of your fans.&quot; Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go &quot;Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9&quot; Sycho Sid, and defend the title.&quot; Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

:So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said &quot;Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell.&quot; So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, &quot;Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you.&quot; Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

:So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

:You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me &quot;They're cheering me now.&quot; But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, &quot;Tough kitty&quot; said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
:'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
:'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there.
:'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains.
:'''Lawler''': Right.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called &quot;America, Love it or Leave it!&quot;
:'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
:'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
:''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]''
:'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart?
:'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.
:'''Vince''': What?!
:'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.
:'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.
:'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.
:'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!
:'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going &quot;You suck!&quot; You know what? I don't suck, they do!
:'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.
:'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]''

===June 30===
:'''Paul Bearer''': &quot;Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

:This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

:But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

=== July 7 ===
:'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]''
:'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
:'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
:'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
:'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa!
:'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
:'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
:'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
:''[Mankind outstretches his arms]''
:'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
:''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]''
:'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh!
:'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
:'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]''
:'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that!
:''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]''
:'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
:'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
:'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
:'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right!
:'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]''

=== August 4 ===

:'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.
:'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret &quot;The Hitman&quot; Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!
:'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair...
:'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!
:I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?
:'''Vince''': Yes, you did.
:'''Shawn''': Exactly.
:'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please?
:'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up!
:'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.
:'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.
:'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?
:'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!
:'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.
:'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!
:And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks!
:'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...
:'''Crowd''': You suck!
:'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

=== August 18 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, &quot;Hey, Steve, you okay?&quot; No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana  or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!
:'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.
:'''Steve Austin''': Sure.
:'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?
:'''Jim Ross''': Right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?
:'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors...
:'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, &quot;Maybe you should do something else.&quot; Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, &quot;Don't do this, try not to do this,&quot; whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.
:As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?
:'''Jim Ross''': That's right.
:'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?
:'''Jim Ross''': No sir.
:'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out.

=== September 22 ===

:''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]''
:'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! 
:'''Lawler''': Arrest him!
:'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
:'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this!
:'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
:'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]''
:'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
:'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself.
:'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
:'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
:'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
:'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
:'''Vince''': That's all that these people a—
:'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''!
:''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God!
:'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]''
:'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. 
:''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]''   
:'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. 
:'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. 
:'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. 
:'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. 
:'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. 
:'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... 
:'''Dude Love''': I know you have. 
:'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
:'''Dude Love''': I know you can. 
:'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more.
:'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
:'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? 
:'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. 
:'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny?
:'''Mankind''': Here he comes.
:'''Dude Love''': Where is he? 
:'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!'''''
:''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]''  
:'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! 
:'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!
:'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! 
:'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!?
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
:''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]''
:'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

=== October 6 ===
:''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

:Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG &quot;Curtain Call&quot;|MSG &quot;Curtain Call.&quot;]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute!
:'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that?
:'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's...
:'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden!
:'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!
:'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]!
:'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]!
:'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!
:'''Vince''': What is this?
:'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!
:'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.
:You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.
:But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.
:You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but &quot;good&quot; is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.
:And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this &quot;wrestling war&quot; got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.
:You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.
:Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.
:I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 13 ===

:'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!
:'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me?
:'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us?
:'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.
:'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!
:'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.
:'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate?
:'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate?
:'''Hunter''': Well, I mean...
:'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one.
:'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then.
:'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

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:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.
:There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''.
:And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said &quot;the world would be better served if he closed up WCW.&quot; Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.
:But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:
:&quot;If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture.&quot;
:Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya.
:But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:
:&quot;The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched.&quot;
:''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]''
:Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!
:I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== October 27 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still &quot;Thinkin', Thinkin'!&quot; Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing &quot;I make more money than you,&quot; BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

=== November 17 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]?
:'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, &quot;Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart,&quot; so what do you mean by that?
:'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.
:'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, &quot;well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?&quot; Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?
:'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, &quot;steal,&quot; Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, &quot;stolen his spot.&quot; So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, &quot;okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret.&quot; So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, &quot;Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you.&quot; And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?
:'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. 
:'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?
:'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.
:'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?
:'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, &quot;I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever,&quot; in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, &quot;Okay,&quot; to his opponent, &quot;you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out.&quot; 
:'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?
:'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, &quot;you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?&quot; Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors &amp; equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?
:'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, &quot;Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while.&quot; And I have no problem saying, &quot;Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well.&quot; Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.
:'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. 
:'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, &quot;Bret sold out.&quot; Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, &quot;Vince, help me sell out.&quot; So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, &quot;No, I didn't do it for the money,&quot; I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.
:'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? 
:'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. 
:'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?
:'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.
:'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this?
:'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't &quot;the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.&quot; And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. 

=== December 15 ===
:'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation.
:'''Jim Cornette''': Who?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.
:'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this &quot;fan safety&quot; business.
:'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to &quot;Owen&quot; chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are?
:'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!
:'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect!
:'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.
:'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!
:'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed &quot;Showstopper,&quot; right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?
:'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! 
:'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days.
:'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean!
:'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you--
:'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the &quot;Sole Survivor,&quot; you can call me the &quot;Black Sheep,&quot; I really don't give a shit!
:'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good.
:'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this &quot;little nugget&quot; to end it!
:'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!
:'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire!
:'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.
:'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!
:'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any--
:''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]''
:'''Cornette''': Hey!
:'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh!
:'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to &quot;Open the Creative Envelope&quot;, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves &quot;sports entertainment&quot; because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is &quot;entertainment&quot;. The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of &quot;good guys vs. bad guys&quot;. Surely the era of &quot;[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]&quot; is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

=== December 22 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
:''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]''
:'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
:'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
:'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
:'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is.
:''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn &quot;cries.&quot;]''
:'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! 
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: &quot;Triple H&quot; Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
:'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
:'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
:'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town!

=== December 29 ===

:'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, &quot;Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs.&quot; Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is &quot;wrestling&quot;? Not &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see &quot;sports entertainment&quot; and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

== 1998 ==

=== January 12 ===
:''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]''
:'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, &quot;Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!&quot; And I gave a &quot;OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!&quot;

=== January 19 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' &quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.
:'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.
:'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.
:'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino.
:'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well?
:'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.
:'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring...&quot;Iron&quot; Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?
:'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]''
:'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]''
===February 2===
:''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]''
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, and &quot;hell&quot;. We will, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;bitch,&quot; &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words &quot;ass&quot;, &quot;damn&quot;, &quot;hell&quot; and &quot;bitch.&quot; We will never, however use the words &quot;shit&quot;, &quot;fuck&quot;, &quot;goddamn&quot;, &quot;Jesus Christ&quot;, &quot;faggot&quot;, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-
:'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit!
:'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth!
:'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me.
:'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]''
:'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is &quot;Swallow the Leader&quot;...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]''

===March 2===
:''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]''
:'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...
:'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!
:''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]''
:'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

===March 16===
:''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]''
:'''&quot;Classy&quot; Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd.
:'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault.
:'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope.
:'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics...
:'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights.
:'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air.
:'''Patterson''': We were men of courage...
:'''Kowalski''': Men of steel...
:'''Blassie''': They were men without fear.
:'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.
:'''Monsoon''': But today...
:'''Blassie''': I cheer for them.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]''
:'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]''

===March 23===
:''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]''
:'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

===March 30===
:''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]''
:'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, &quot;Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?&quot; Heh - what I heard was &quot;Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.&quot; Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.
:'''Sean &quot;123 Kid&quot; Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!
:And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, &quot;DX needs your help.&quot; Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!
:'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...
:'''Kid''': SUCK IT!
:'''Triple H''': Yeah!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

:You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

===April 6===
:''[Cactus Jack appears]''
:'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, &quot;Cactus, so how's your neck?&quot;, I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

:No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

:And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, &quot;Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career.&quot; See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, &quot;Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?&quot; And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, &quot;Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, &quot;You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?&quot; Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]''

:This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]''

===April 13===
:''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here.
:'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.
:'''Vince''': It may be.
:'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not.
:'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!
:'''Brisco''': No, it's not!
:'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

===April 27===
:''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]''
:'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.
:'''DX members''': Down where, sir? 
:'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]''
:'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]''
:'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]''
:'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
:'''Ross''': Good Lord..
:'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]''

===May 4===
:'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

:So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

:You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?&quot;

:'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
:'''Mick''': Yes, I do!
:'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
:'''Mick''': How you figure?
:'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

:Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

:I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': He's my son!
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me-
:'''Bearer''': You don't believe me?
:'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay.
:'''King''': Tell me how that...
:'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you?
:'''King''': I'll tell nobody.
:'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. 
:'''King''': Oh yeah right?
:'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
:'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
:'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor.
:'''King''': Oh no!
:'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home.
:'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
:'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
:'''King''': Swear to God.
:'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true!
:'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
:'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]''
:'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

===May 25===
:''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

===June 1===
:''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]''
:'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. 
:''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?
:As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!'''

===July 6===
:''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane...
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]''
:'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

===July 27===
:''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]''
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
:'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

===August 3===
:''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]''
:'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
:'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister?
:'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
:'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! 

===August 10===
:''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there?
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
:'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
:'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
:'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it.
:'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
:'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady!

===September 14===
:''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]''
:'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]''
:'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]''
:'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]''
:'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]''
:'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]''
:'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

===September 28===
:''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right.
:'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.?
:'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
:'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
:'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
:'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
:'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that?
:'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
:'''Jim Ross''': Three?
:'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
:'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both.
:''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]''
:'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
:'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

===October 5===
:'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor?
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse.
:'''Vince McMahon''': NO!
:''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]''
:'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!!
:'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? 
:''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]''
:'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
:'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! 
:'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]''
:'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
:'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash!

===October 12===
:''[A cement truck appears.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that?
:'''Jim Ross''': Is that...?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?
:'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.
:'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's...
:'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.
:'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.
:'''Lawler''': Wait a minute!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this.
:'''Lawler''': You can't do that!
:'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.
:'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!
:'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.
:'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!!
:'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.
:'''Lawler''': Oh my God!
:''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.
:'''Lawler''': NOOOO!
:'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.
:'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!!
:'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?
:'''Lawler''': 911!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?
:'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying?
:'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!
:'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together?
:'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' 
:'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.
:'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at &quot;Asshole!&quot; chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
:'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]''
:'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!
:And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.
:'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon.
:'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it.
:'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music!
:''[Vince McMahon leaves.]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

===October 19===
:''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants &quot;Asshole!&quot;]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

:Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

:Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

:Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, &quot;I've got the brass to fire your ass.&quot; Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]''
:'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!
:'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.
:'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.
:''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]''
:'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]''
:'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, &quot;McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'&quot;

===October 26===
:''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.
:'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid!
:'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. 
:'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were!
:'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.
:'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son—
:'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]''
:'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.
:'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!!

===November 2===
:''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]''
:'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it!
:'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another.
:'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]''

===November 16===
:''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!
:Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' 
:You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

===November 23===
:''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]''
:'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!!

=== December 7 ===
:''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]''
:'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!
:''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]''
:'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!
:''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]''

=== December 28 ===
:'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

== 1999 ==
=== January 4 ===
:''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]''
:'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder.
:'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! 
:'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!
:'''Vince''': It's my son!!
:'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I...
:'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]''
:'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no!
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!
:'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!
:''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]''
:'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock!
:'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]''
:'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!
:'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no!
:'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!
:'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it!
:'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, &quot;you can't do it&quot;!
:'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

=== January 11 ===
:''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for &quot;He&quot; and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.
:''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]''
:'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.
:''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]''
:'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.
:''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!!
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!
:'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!
:'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!
:'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!
:'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.
:'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!
:'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..
:'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!?
:'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again.
:'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

=== February 15 ===
:''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.
:'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.
:''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]''
:'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!
:''[Bossman leaves the stage]''
:'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

=== March 22 ===
:''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!
:'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.
:'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.
:'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

===April 26===

:''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]''

:'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?
:'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.
:'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

:''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']''

:'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.
:'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

:''[Vince nods sheepishly]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: &quot;Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.&quot;
:'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

:''[Vince is dejected]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... 

:''[Vince seems optimistic]''

:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

:''[a saddened Vince walks away]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]''
:'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!!
:''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]''
:'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring?
:'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!!
:'''Undertaker''': I do. 
:''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]''
:'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

=== May 24 (RAW Is Owen) ===

:'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?
:'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...
:'''Crowd''': SUCK IT!

=== June 7 ===
:''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! 
:'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- 
:'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!!
:'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! 
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped!
:'''Lawler''': What?
:'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed...
:'''Lawler''': Look at that!
:'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

=== August 9 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! 
:Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!
:Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre &quot;sports entertainers&quot; who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream &quot;Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!&quot; Thank you.
:The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!
:'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''&quot;Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!&quot;'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?
:'''Chris Jericho''': I told you--
:'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

=== August 23 ===

:''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]''
:'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.
:'''Chyna''': I don't have one.
:'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.
:'''Chyna''': Okay.
:'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.
:'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen!
:'''Jerry''': What's she doing?!
:''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

=== September 20===

:'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

===December 20===
:''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]''
:'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up!

== 2000 ==
===January 24===
:''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]''
:'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants &quot;Rocky!&quot;]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.
:'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock.
:'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'.

===January 31===
:''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight?
:'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!
:'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?
:'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.
:'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition.
:'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.
:'''Jerry''': Well that was...
:'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

===February 7===
:''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]''
:'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.
:'''Cactus Jack''': You name it.
:'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.
:'''Cactus Jack''': So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.
:'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]''

===April 17===
:'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]''
:'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can!
:'''Stephanie''':  In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem &quot;slapping&quot; people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?
:'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!!
:'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]''
:'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
:'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!!

===June 12===
:''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!
:'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing.
:'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not!
:'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.
:'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]''
:'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]''

=== October 2 ===
:''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]''
:'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]''
:'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

===October 9===
:''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]''
:'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

:But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!
:'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

:You see, the WWF has always been all about the &quot;Great White Hope&quot;... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back.

:So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!''

=== October 23 ===
:'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.
:Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. &quot;The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation,&quot; the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE!
:'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please?
:A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.
:Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.
:And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called &quot;What Makes a Man Super-Great&quot;, and I'd like to read it to you tonight.
:Greatness comes in many shapes
:Beyond red, white and blue.
:It's the addition of the color gold.
:Yes, indeed, it's true.

===December 4===
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

:And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' &quot;I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra.&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' &quot;I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for...&quot; oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

:Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' &quot;Rest in peace!&quot; Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]''
:'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day!

===December 18===
:''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! 
:'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! 
:''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]''
:'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

== 2001 ==
=== March 5 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...
:'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.
:'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman.
:'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh?
:'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this...

=== March 26 ===
:''[cold opening]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name &quot;that's J-E-double-F&quot;? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be &quot;capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE&quot;!  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say &quot;McMahon.&quot; ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, &quot;Shane McMahon.&quot;
:''[Vince is openmouthed]''
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it!
:'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!
:'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

=== June 18 ===
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.
:But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, &quot;I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray.&quot; Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. &quot;Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!&quot;
:You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

=== June 25 ===
:'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday?
:'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.
:'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?
:''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]''
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.
:'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!
:Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

===July 9===
:''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]''
:'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.
:'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?
:'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music &quot;My Time&quot; plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]''
:'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

===July 16===
:''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]''
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!
:'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?
:'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T.
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': DDP...
:'''Heyman''': Right.
:'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...
:'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' 
:'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. 
:'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW.
:'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.
:'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]''
:'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]''
:'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
:'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]''
:'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]''
:'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!!
:''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]''
:'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going??

===August 27===
:''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! 

===September 24===
:'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.
:'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

=== October 29 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
:'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on?
:'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock!
:'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?!
:'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin!
:'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock!
:'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
:'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock!
:''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]''
:'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle!
:'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
:'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
:'''Jim''': My God, it can't be!
:'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true!
:''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]''
:'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
:'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
:'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
:'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
:'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
:'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

=== November 19 ===
:''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]''
:'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
:'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
:'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
:'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

== 2002 ==
===March 25===
:'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

=== July 1 ===
:''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]''
:'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?
:'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. 
:'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. 
:'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]''
:'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]''

=== July 15 ===
:'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.
:'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!
:''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': &quot;For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

:When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby &quot;the Brain&quot; Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

:And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

:But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

:So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

:And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

=== August 26 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

=== October 7 ===
:[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match'']
:'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants &quot;asshole&quot; at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless'']

== 2003 ==

=== February 3 ===

:'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
:And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
:But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5&quot;, 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
:And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
:You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

=== February 24 ===

:''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
:'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR?
:'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
:'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that &quot;good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right&quot;. Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
:'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being &quot;right&quot;. As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
:'''Jim''': Excuse me?
:'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
:'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
:'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
:'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
:'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
:''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
:''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]''
:'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that!
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
:'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who?
:'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
:'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King!
:'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
:'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
:'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''[&quot;flies&quot; out of the room]''
:'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie!

=== March 3 ===

:''[&quot;The Coach&quot;, Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]''
:'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-
:'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
:'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-
:'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?
:'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back-
:'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday?
:'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-
:'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]''
:'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??
:'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?
:'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this!
:'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''[&quot;answering&quot; his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, &quot;haku machente, da&quot;! &quot;Haku machente, ah!&quot;, do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what &quot;haku machente&quot; means?
:'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means &quot;the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling&quot;!
:'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock &quot;The Rock&quot;! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?
:'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''[&quot;flies&quot; his way out of the Rock's locker room again]''
:'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are...

=== March 31 ===
:'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy!
:'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

=== May 12 ===
:''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]''
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.
:'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table!
:'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]''

=== July 14 ===
:''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

=== December 8 ===
:''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]''
:'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': Uh-oh.
:'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.
:'''Jerry''': What?
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick!
:''[the crowd cheers]''
:'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]''
:'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week.
:'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, &quot;We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!&quot; ''[the crowd keeps cheering]''
:'''Jim''': It was on the Internet-
:'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...
:''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute.
:'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!
:'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?
:'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!
:'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a &quot;USA&quot; chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV &quot;making things right&quot;?
:'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well!
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Wait a minute.
:'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!
:'''Jim and Jerry''': What?!
:'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.
:'''Jim''': Come on!
:'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag...
:''[the crowd boos]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, come on!
:'''Rob''': ...right here, right now!
:'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?
:'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style.
:'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]''
:'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that!
:'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...
:'''Jerry''': Yeah!
:'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard!
:'''Jerry''': Ah!
:'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!
:'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]''
:'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]''
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now!
:'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here!
:'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit!
:''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]''
:'''Jim''': What?
:'''Jerry''': What?!
:'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT??
:'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?!
:'''Jim''': What the hell is-
:''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]''
:'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!!
:'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!
:'''Jerry''': The Rock!
:'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!
:'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!
:'''Jerry''': Look at these fans!
:'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock!
:'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment.
:''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]''
:'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!
:'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock!
:'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...
:'''The crowd''': And millions!
:'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...
:'''Jerry''': Hey-hey!
:'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey?
:'''Jerry''': Uh-oh!
:'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel?
:'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian?
:''[the crowd starts a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant again]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?
:'''Jerry''': Ahh!
:'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?
:'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?!
:'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!
:'''Jerry''': Fifi??
:'''Jim''': What was that, &quot;Fifi&quot;?
:''[the crowd begins a &quot;Fifi&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': Fifi chant!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit.
:'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]''
:'''Jerry''': Lips?
:'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! 
:''[the crowd cheers and starts another &quot;USA&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!
:'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight!
:'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing -
:'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more &quot;one thing&quot;, you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?
:'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not &quot;Rocky&quot;! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.
:'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!
:'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' &quot;Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?&quot;
:'''Jerry''': Poodle?!
:'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.
:'''Jim''': Ooh!
:'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''!
:'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go!
:'''Jerry''': Here we go!
:'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'!
:'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock &amp; Rock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR!
:'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say?
:'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock...
:'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection!
:'''Jerry''': Oh!
:''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, wait!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!
:'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!
:''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]''
:'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!
:'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!
:''[The Rock comes back into the ring]''
:'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!
:''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]''
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom!
:'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!
:'''Jerry''': Oh, no!
:'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up!
:'''Jerry''': Look at this!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh!
:'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!
:''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]''
:'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna -
:'''Jim''': Oh no!
:'''Jerry''': Aahhh!
:''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]''
:'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!
:'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''?
:'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim -
:'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow!
:'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock &amp; Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!
:'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!
:'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! Mick Foley...
:'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...
:''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]''
:'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!
:''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a &quot;Rocky&quot; chant]''
:'''Jerry''': This is amazing!
:'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la -
:''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]''
:'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases.
:'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here.  It's patented, it's trademark!
:'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]''
:'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah!
:'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!
:'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''!
:'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!
:'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh.
:''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]''
:'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...
:'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!
:'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!
:'''Jerry''': What a night!
:'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock &amp; Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

===December 15===
:''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]''
:'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]''

==2004==
===February 16===
:'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?!
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god!
:'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

===February 23===
:''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?!
:'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god!
:'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
:'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you!
:'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up!
:'''Lawler''': Oh!
:'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''!
:'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
:'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

===May 24===
:''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose!
:'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
:'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
:'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
:'''Lawler''': Oh boy!
:'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

===June 14===
:''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. 
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]''

== 2005 ==
=== February 21 ===

:'''Triple H''': Can you believe this?
:'''Ric Flair''': No.
:'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?
:'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!
:'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know.
:'''Ric''': You have?
:'''Triple H''': Yeah.
:'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know?
:'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?
:'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?
:'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''.
:'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.
:'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...
:'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word &quot;clever.&quot; You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.
:''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.
:'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.
:Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!
:But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.
:''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]''
:'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.
:I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?
:Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.
:Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.
:Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the &quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.
:Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.
:''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista!
:'''Jerry''': What is he doing?!
:'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!
:'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!
:''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]''
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!
:''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]''
:'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you!
:'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

=== February 28 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}}

=== May 16 ===
:''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]''
:'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.
:''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

===May 23===
:'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.
:'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

=== August 8 ===

:'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?
:'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?
:You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!
:I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his &quot;wrestling legacy.&quot; I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.
:So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

=== October 10 ===
:''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.
:'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? 
:'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some!
:'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]''
:'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]''

=== November 14 ===
:'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and &quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

== 2006 ==

=== May 1 ===
:''[After Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]''
:'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on.
:''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]''
:'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say &quot;pro wrestling&quot;, I'm not allowed to say &quot;wrestler&quot;; I have to say &quot;sports entertainment&quot;, and refer to the wrestlers as &quot;superstars&quot;. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]''
:'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

=== July 17 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, &quot;Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?&quot; You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of &quot;no rematch&quot; do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah!

=== July 24 ===

:'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me &quot;Fat Boy&quot;. Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name &quot;Fat Boy&quot; hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! &quot;To be the man, you've got to beat the man!&quot; &quot;I'm a 16-time world champion!&quot; &quot;All night long!&quot; blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of &quot;no&quot; did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah!

=== August 21 ===
:''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]''
:'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh...
:'''Jim Ross''': Oh God...
:'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]''
:'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

=== October 9 ===
:''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]''
:'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.
:'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me?
:'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.
:'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.
:'''Jerry &quot;The King&quot; Lawler''': I knew it.
:'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.
:''[the crowd starts an &quot;RKO&quot; chant, much to Edge's chagrin]''
:'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]''

== 2007 ==

=== June 25 ===

:'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

=== November 5 ===

:'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that?
:'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.
:'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not!

== 2008 ==

===March 31 ===
:'''&quot;Nature Boy&quot; Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]''
:'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!
:'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]''
:'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky &quot;The Dragon&quot; Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg &quot;The Hammer&quot; Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, &quot;[[w:Angels &amp; Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]&quot; by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''[&quot;[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]&quot; by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant &quot;Thank you, Ric&quot; with the audience]''

=== June 9 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista...
:'''&quot;The Heartbreak Kid&quot; Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.
:'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, &quot;HBK!&quot; You know, it's...HBK, HBK!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK!
:'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

== 2010 ==

=== January 11 ===

:'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.
:''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, &quot;Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!&quot;
:Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.
:MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!
:MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

=== November 22 ===

:'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

== 2011 ==

=== April 11 ===
:'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. 
:Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.
:''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting &quot;Thank you, Edge.&quot;]''
:This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.
:I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.
:I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.
:You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.
:So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

=== June 20 ===
:'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

=== June 27 ===
:'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.
:I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
:I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
:''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!
:I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]''

=== July 11 ===
:'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want...
:'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks?
:'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me.
:'''Audience member''': What?
:'''CM Punk''': He said, &quot;don't push me.&quot; Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.
:Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.
:[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants &quot;WE WANT ICE CREAM!&quot;]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.
:I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.
:And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.
:Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.
:'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it!
:'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!
:'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.
:'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

===July 18===
:'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.
:I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.
:''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.
:So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]''
:'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

:On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''[&quot;Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]''

== 2012 ==

=== February 27 ===
:'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.
:You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.
:And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...
:'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop.
:'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.
:'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.
:You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret &quot;Hitman&quot; Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?
:'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.
:I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants &quot;CM Punk!&quot;]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!
:'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.
:You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.
:See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]!
:'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the &quot;best in the world&quot; verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
:'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, &quot;hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!&quot;
:See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' &quot;Best in the world!!!&quot; ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''.

=== March 12 ===

:'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.
:Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.
:And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?
:It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

=== May 21 ===

:'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, &quot;You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on.&quot;
:'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he?
:'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, &quot;Show, I got this one.&quot; He looked in my eyes and he said, &quot;Yeah, you do.&quot; And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.
:'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.
:'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some &quot;experts&quot; out there that are saying, &quot;Well, why did you toy with him?&quot; &quot;Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?&quot; Or, &quot;Why did you pour water all over him?&quot; &quot;You should have just beat him.&quot; Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, &quot;May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back.&quot; But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}''
:'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.
:'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.
:''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]''
:'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful.
:'''Jerry''': Oh, my god.
:''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]''
:'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called &quot;No Way Out.&quot; That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.
:''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'':
:'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?
:'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears &quot;You're a sellout&quot; chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

=== May 28 ===
:'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears &quot;Cena&quot; chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.
:'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, &quot;sits on the fence&quot;?
:'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

=== July 30 ===

:'''CM Punk''': &quot;WrestleMania moments&quot; are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, &quot;CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe.&quot;
:''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.
:'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.
:First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?
:And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world.

=== September 3 ===

:'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.
:'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the &quot;One Man Band!&quot;
:'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] &quot;[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]&quot;?

=== September 10 ===

:'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?
:'''CM Punk''': &quot;Phony&quot;? &quot;Phony&quot;? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?
:'''Bret''': A phony little punk.
:'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.
:'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too.
:And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.
:'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.
:You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
:For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, &quot;we get change!&quot; And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by &quot;we want change&quot; is &quot;make CM Punk a star.&quot; You don't even know who CM Punk is.
:I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.
:Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.
:I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk﻿ parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means...
:'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!
:'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, &quot;you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!&quot;

=== November 26 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope.
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?
:'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.
:'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?
:'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?
:'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.
:'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.
:'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]].
:'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so...
:'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

== 2013 ==

=== January 7 ===

:'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words &quot;pipe bomb&quot; have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said &quot;pipe bomb.&quot; I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.
:Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
:That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.
:Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.''
:Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you.
:Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say &quot;I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!&quot; Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say &quot;Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.&quot; No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.
:There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say &quot;Oh, I did it for all of you.&quot; Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.
:Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.
:Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
[after commercial break]
:'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

:'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.
:You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.
:I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant &quot;respect,&quot; they're not gonna chant &quot;best in the world,&quot; they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, &quot;Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss.&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!
:'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.
:'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!
:You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that.
:The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV &quot;Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor.&quot; Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!''
:CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.
:'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...
:'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.
:'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your &quot;millions and millions&quot; and your &quot;finallys&quot;. And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.
:'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.
:But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&amp;M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

=== January 14 ===
:''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]''
:'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.
:She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair
:And then she'll ask me, &quot;Do I look alright?&quot;
:And I said, &quot;No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]].&quot;
 
:You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.
:You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.
:So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,
:Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.
:'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?
:'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' &quot;We said biatch, you look horrible tonight.&quot; ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

=== April 8 ===

:'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?
:'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.


:'''Fans''': DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!! - Fans singing Fandango's theme
:THANK YOU BIG SHOW - The fans when Big Show attacked Randy Orton and Sheamus
:WE WANT ZIGGLER - Fans during the Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter vs Alberto Del Rio match


=== July 8 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

=== July 15 ===

:'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.
:''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: &quot;Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!&quot;
:Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.
:So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. &quot;Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?&quot;
:And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!
:'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.
:This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!
:You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!
:'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

=== July 29 ===

:'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself &quot;the Devil's Favorite Demon.&quot; But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

=== August 26 ===

:'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!
:Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;?
:You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality.

=== September 9 ===

:'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''?
:'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...
:'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.
:'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?
:'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.
:'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?
:'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit.
:'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about.
:'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos?
:'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

=== October 21 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as &quot;The Best in the World&quot; CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!
:But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, &quot;Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!&quot; They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy.
:Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

=== December 9 ===

:''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]''
:'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.
:Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!''
:You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.
:John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, &quot;work.&quot; A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and &quot;YES!&quot; chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please.
:'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan.
:'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?
:'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.
:'''JBL''': Wherever that is.
:'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.
:'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually.
:'''JBL''': What?
:'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got.
:'''Daniel''': Yes.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE!
:I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!
:You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, &quot;Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago.&quot;
:Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: &quot;You want some? Come get some!&quot;
:And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, &quot;Let's fight.&quot; Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch.
:You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

=== December 30 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again.
:'''Daniel''': You're right.
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO!
:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it!
:'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted &quot;YES!&quot; in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.
:''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]''
:'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

== 2014 ==

=== March 3 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting &quot;CM PUNK!&quot;]'' I believe he deserves louder than that!
:'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK!
:''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]''
:'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.
:And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.
:So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!
:Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.
:I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

=== March 10 ===

:'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.
:You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.
:'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.''
:Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

===April 7===
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT!
:'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' &quot;Eat, sleep, break the Streak&quot;! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.
:But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.
:Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John &quot;Bradshaw&quot; Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!''
:But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!
:So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, &quot;I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon.&quot; But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!
:And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] &quot;Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker.&quot;'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.
:I'm sorry, are you saying &quot;What?&quot; to me
:'''Crowd''': WHAT?!
:'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!''
:Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

=== June 9 ===
:'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.
:History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.
:Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!
:And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. &quot;The King of Kings&quot; ooooooh.
:'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh.
:'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...
:'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!
:'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.
:'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!
:'''Crowd''':  ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT!
:'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my &quot;brothers&quot; in the back. That I betrayed my &quot;brothers&quot;. And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!
:So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece!

=== July 7 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...
:'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.''

=== July 21 ===

:''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]''
:'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but &quot;Plan A&quot; just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, &quot;Plan B,&quot; I like &quot;Plan B,&quot; Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing &quot;Plan C.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, &quot;let's go, Cena!&quot; And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, &quot;Cena sucks!&quot;
:Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing &quot;Doctor of Thuganomics&quot; is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
:''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]''
:You know, for years, everybody said, &quot;I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak.&quot; But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
:Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, &quot;John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.&quot; Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
:At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.
:I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!
:Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

=== August 11 ===

:'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.
:But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.
:No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.
:My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.
:You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
:And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.
:You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.
:You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?
:I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.
:You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.
:So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,
:Get it out your damn system when you say, &quot;the champ is here.&quot;
:Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena
:Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

=== August 18 ===

:'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!''
:Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!''
:'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please.
:'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne &quot;The Rock&quot; Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.
:And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, &quot;never give up,&quot; John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.
:Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!
:And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.
:Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!
:Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena.

=== October 20 ===

:''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]''
:'''John Cena''': What are you doing?
:'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.
:'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?
:'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.
:'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?
:'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it.
:'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.
:'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]]

=== December 8 ===
:'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term &quot;diva,&quot; and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

== 2015 ==

=== March 9 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.
:''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort &quot;Here comes the pain&quot;. The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!''
:''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]''
:'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] &quot;Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!&quot;''
:I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: &quot;One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight.&quot; Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, &quot;One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle.&quot; Two moves that you see him do today.
:And the same applies at WrestleMania: &quot;Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family.&quot; It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.
:And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!
:You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: &quot;Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen.&quot; When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]''
:You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' 
:In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!''

=== March 30 ===

:'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, &quot;Suplex City!&quot; which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, &quot;Suplex City, bitch!&quot;
:So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, &quot;I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!&quot; I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.
:So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, &quot;good night, everybody,&quot; picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this.
:You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&amp;J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these  employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just  signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee?  That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

=== July 20 ===

:''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]''
:'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

=== September 21 ===

:'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. &quot;Oh, I love you, daddy&quot; and &quot;oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you.&quot; Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]].

=== November 9 ===

:'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins!
:'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins.  In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?
:A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.
:And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
:And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.
:It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?
:'''Triple H''': &quot;Sell-out.&quot; &quot;Sell-out,&quot; that's an interesting word. You know what &quot;sell-out&quot; is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.
:Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, &quot;I'm the man.&quot; You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, &quot;yeah, but everybody liked me.&quot; You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.
:'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.
:'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

=== November 16 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]''
:'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?
:'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship.
:''[Paige signs the contract]''
:'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.
:'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.
:'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.
:'''Charlotte''': &quot;Using&quot; me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.
:'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?
:'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.
:'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.
:'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.
:I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.
:'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.
:'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.
:'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart!
:'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!
:'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...
:'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!
:'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he?
:''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]''

== 2016 ==

=== February 8 ===

:'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.
:But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.
:But now to some less fun stuff. So...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO!
:'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL!
:'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time!
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
:'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.
:Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.
:Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]].
:Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8&quot; and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES!
:'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting &quot;Daniel Bryan!&quot;
:'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN!
:'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?
:That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.
:Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last &quot;YES!&quot; chant, I would really appreciate it!

===May 23===
:''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]''
:'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at &quot;What?&quot; chant]'' If I - if you &quot;What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say &quot;Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!&quot; No, you know who you are? You're &quot;Charlotte's dad&quot;! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]''

=== June 20 ===

:'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!
:You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!''
:So Seth called himself &quot;The Man,&quot; Roman called himself &quot;The Guy.&quot; I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE!
:'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

== 2017 ==

=== March 6 ===

:'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

=== April 3 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

=== June 19===
:'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.
:''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)''
:'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''.

=== October 23 ===

:'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word &quot;undisputed.&quot; Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.
:You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.
:You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.
:But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, &quot;Macho Man&quot; Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.
:And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

== 2018 ==

=== October 22 ===

:'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.
:And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.
:But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!''
:'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.
:But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.
:You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.
:So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, &quot;I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion,&quot; and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, &quot;I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''&quot;
:So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

== 2019 ==

=== January 29 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this &quot;baddest woman on the planet,&quot; but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY!
:'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.
:'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah!
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES!
:'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.
:'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS!
:'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.
:And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, &quot;Nia Jax.&quot; In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.
:You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.
:You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!
:'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!
:'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

=== February 25 ===

:'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!?

=== April 8 ===

:'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!
:Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.
:You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

=== May 27 ===

:'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.
:Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!
:'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: &quot;the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion&quot;—that's Brock Lesnar—&quot;picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar...&quot;
:''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]''
:'''Brock''': I got a year?
:'''Paul''': Yeah!
:'''Brock''': To cash in.
:'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?!
:'''Brock''': No, I didn't know!
:'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!
:'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

== 2020 ==

=== May 11 ===

:'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.
:But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.
:Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.
:''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]''
:'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion?
:'''Becky''': You're the champion.
:'''Asuka''': I'm the champion!
:''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]''
:'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.
:'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' &quot;Be a mother&quot;? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

== 2022 ==

=== January 3 ===

:'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.
:''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.
:'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.
:And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.
:First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain &quot;tribal chief&quot; who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.
:Oh, don't go &quot;ooh!&quot; It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!
:Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.
:There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

=== April 4 ===

:'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...
:'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT!
:'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|&quot;a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.&quot;]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.
:''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants &quot;DUSTY!&quot;]''
:'''Cody''': Right there is my father, &quot;The American Dream&quot; Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, &quot;I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan.&quot; And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.
:So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, &quot;nobody can take it away from you now.&quot; And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.
:'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT!
:'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.
:'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns!
:Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.
:'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, &quot;what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE.&quot; And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!
:But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

==External links==
{{wikipedia|WWE Raw}}

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  <page>
    <title>Christopher Cross</title>
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      <text bytes="863" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Christopher Cross in beaumont ca (2637703689) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Christopher Cross]]

'''[[w:Christopher Cross|Christopher Cross]]''' (born '''Christopher Charles Geppert''' on [[May 3]], [[1951]]) is an American singer-songwriter from San Antonio, Texas. 

{{musician-stub}}
== Quotes ==
* ''[[w:Sailing (Christopher Cross song)|Sailing]]'' is not a romantic song
** Interview with Christopher Cross on http://www.faceculture.com/ (date of interview: 2008-09-26). Video link found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49o3HpGCfHg&amp;feature=related (retrieved 2011-04-07)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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    <title>The Lorax (2012 film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Okay, breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Lorax''''') is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars {{w|Zac Efron}}, {{w|Ed Helms}}, and {{w|Danny DeVito}}. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': ''[To the Once-ler]'' Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Ted's mother stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and his mom stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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    <title>Escape from New York</title>
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'''''[[w:Escape from New York|Escape from New York]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 film]] set in the near future in a crime-ridden United States that has converted Manhattan Island in New York City into a maximum security prison. Ex-soldier Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find the President of the United States, who has been captured after the crash of Air Force One.
:''Directed by [[John Carpenter]]. Written by [[John Carpenter]] and [[w:Nick Castle|Nick Castle]].'' 
{{center|'''The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Narrator ==
* In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once great city of New York becomes the one maximum security prison for the entire country. A 50-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem River, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison, only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple: once you go in, you don't come out.

== The Duke ==
* They sent in their best man, and when we roll across the 69th Street bridge tomorrow, on our way to freedom, we're going to have their best man leading the way - from the neck up! ''[cheering erupts]'' On the hood of my car! ''[more cheering]''

== Dialogue ==	
:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[reading Plissken's file]'' S.D. Plissken... American, Lieutenant: Special Forces Unit &quot;Black Light&quot;. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. Then you robbed the Federal Reserve Depository... life sentence, New York maximum security penitentiary. I'm about to kick your ass out of ''the world'', war hero...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[calmly strikes a match against Hauk's desk to light his cigarette and in a bored tone of voice]'' Who're you?
:'''Bob Hauk''': Hauk, Police Commissioner.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bob Hauk...
:'''Bob Hauk''': Special Forces Unit &quot;Texas Thunder&quot;... we heard of you too, Plissken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Hauk''': You go in, find the President, bring him out in 24 hours, and you're a free man.
:'''Snake Plissken''': 24 hours, huh?
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm making you an offer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bullshit!
:'''Bob Hauk''': Straight just like I said.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'll think about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': No time. Give me an answer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Get a new president!
:'''Bob Hauk''': We're still at war, Plissken. We need him alive.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Is that your answer?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm thinking about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Think hard.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' Why me?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You flew the Gullfire over Leningrad. You know how to get in quiet. You're all I got.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' I guess I go in one way or the other... doesn't mean shit to me. All right... I'll do it. Give me the pardon paper.
:'''Bob Hauk''': When you come out.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Before.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I told you I wasn't a fool, Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Call me Snake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob Hauk briefs Snake about the crash of Air Force One and the need to save POTUS in 24 hours]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': In 22 hours, the Hartford Summit Meeting will be over. China and the Soviet Union will go back home. Now, the President was on his way to the summit when his plane went down. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. The tape recording inside has to reach Hartford in 22 hours.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What's on it?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You know anything about nuclear fusion?
:'''Snake Plissken''': No.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The survival of the human race, Plissken. Something you don't give a shit about.
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[approaching Snake with two injection guns]'' I'm going to inject you. It will sting for a second. ''[places both guns on the sides of Snake's neck and injects him, producing a loud bang]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': That's it, Plissken.
:'''Cronenberg''': Tell him.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Tell me what?
:'''Bob Hauk''': That idea you had about turning the Gullfire around 180 degrees and flying off to Canada.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What did you do to me, asshole!?
:'''Bob Hauk''': My idea, Plissken. Something we've been fooling around with. Two microscopic capsules lodged in your arteries. They're already starting to dissolve. In 22 hours, the cores will completely dissolve. Inside the cores are a heat-sensing charge. Not a large explosion, ''[makes the OK sign with his right hand]'' about the size of a pinhead, just big enough to open up both of your arteries. I'd say you'd be dead in 10-15 seconds...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[chokes Hauk]'' Take them out, now!
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[nervously]'' They're protected by the cores. Fifteen minutes before the last hour is up, we can neutralize the charge with X-rays.
:''[Pushes Snake away from Hauk]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': We'll burn out the charges ''if'' you have the President.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What if I'm a little late?
:'''Bob Hauk''': No more Hartford Summit. And no more Snake Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': When I get back, I'm going to kill you.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The Gullfire's waiting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The USPF deploys in lower Manhattan to find the wreckage of Air Force One and recover the President, but encounter a strange man]''
:'''Romero''': You touch me... he dies. If you're not in the air in 30 seconds... he dies. You come back in... he dies. ''[takes a package out of his shirt and unwraps it to reveal the President's middle finger, complete with ring]'' Twenty seconds.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm ready to talk.
:'''Romero''': Nineteen. Eighteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': What do you want?
:'''Romero''': Seventeen. Sixteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[to his soldiers]'' Let's go. Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snake Plissken''': Where's the President?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke got him. Everybody knows the Duke's got him. You don't have to put a gun to my head. I'll tell you.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Who's the Duke?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke? The Duke of New York, A-Number-1, the Big Man, that's who!
:'''Snake Plissken''': I wanna meet this Duke.
:'''Cabbie''': You can't meet the Duke! Are you crazy? Nobody gets to meet the Duke. You meet him once and then you're dead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Hauk''': You're gonna kill me now , Snake?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm too tired. ''[pause]'' Maybe later.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I've got another deal for you  I want you to think it over while you're resting. I want to give you a job. We'd make one hell of a team, Snake!
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[coldly glares at Hauk]'' The name's Plissken! ''[leaves]''

== About ''Escape from New York'' ==
* St. Louis - unbelievable! We went there because, well, there were certain sequences we just couldn't do in New York; they would have tied up the whole city too much. And St. Louis, due to a major fire they had there in 1977, now has just the right amount of emptiness in the downtown area. Also the right architecture. So much of the city looks vacant and dead; perfect for our needs since we couldn't use anything looking new or fresh. The city officials literally turned over the city to us. They'd shut down 10 blocks at a time to help us. I was told they hadn't hosted a major film for 15 years; they don't even have a real film commission, just a Department of Tourism. They let us trash it up, and do anything we needed. A major coup was finding, in St Louis, an exact replica - deserted, desolate, unused - of New York's Grand Central Station, complete with a train engine. Says Carpenter, &quot;I was told it's the biggest roofed-in area in the world. We walked in and said, 'My Lord! We don't even have to dress it!'&quot;
* The city officials not only gave permission, but were very helpful. We were the first film company in history allowed to shoot on Liberty Island, at the Statue of Liberty, at night. They let us have the whole island to ourselves. We were lucky. It wasn't easy to get that initial permission.
:* John Carpenter [http://io9.gizmodo.com/everything-you-never-knew-about-the-making-of-escape-fr-1579170866 &quot;Everything You Never Knew About The Making Of Escape From New York&quot;] Ryan Plummer, ''IO9'' 5/28/14.

* So it's entirely fair to say, and I've said it before, that the way Neuromancer-the-novel &quot;looks&quot; was influenced in large part by some of the artwork I saw in 'Heavy Metal'. I assume that this must also be true of John Carpenter's 'Escape from New York', Ridley Scott's 'Blade Runner'&quot;, and all other artefacts of the style sometimes dubbed 'cyberpunk'. Those French guys, they got their end in early.
** [[William Gibson]] introduction to Neuromancer graphic novel, as quoted in [http://brmovie.com/FAQs/BR_FAQ_BR_Influence.htm ''The Blade Runner Faq''].

== Taglines ==
* The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.
* 1997. New York City is now a maximum security prison. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking in is insane.
* New York City has become the only maximum security prison for the entire country. Once you go in, you don't come out... until today.

== Cast ==
* [[Kurt Russell]] - [[w:Snake Plissken|Snake Plissken]]
* [[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]] - Bob Hauk
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Cabbie
* [[Donald Pleasence]] - President of the United States
* [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]] - The Duke of New York City
* [[Harry Dean Stanton]] - Harold &quot;Brain&quot; Hellman
* [[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Maggie
* [[w:Tom Atkins (actor)|Tom Atkins]] - Rehme
* [[w:Charles Cyphers|Charles Cyphers]] - United States Secretary of State
* [[w:Frank Doubleday (actor)|Frank Doubleday]] - Romero
* [[w:Ox Baker|Ox Baker]] - Slag
* [[Jamie Lee Curtis]] - computer voice and film narrator

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0082340|title=Escape from New York}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1006717-escape_from_new_york|title=Escape from New York}}

[[Category:1981 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Political thriller films]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Hostage dramas]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]]</text>
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      <text bytes="10814" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Escape from New York|Escape from New York]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 film]] set in the near future in a crime-ridden United States that has converted Manhattan Island in New York City into a maximum security prison. Ex-soldier Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find the President of the United States, who has been captured after the crash of Air Force One.
:''Directed by [[John Carpenter]]. Written by [[John Carpenter]] and [[w:Nick Castle|Nick Castle]].'' 
{{center|'''The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Narrator ==
* In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once great city of New York becomes the one maximum security prison for the entire country. A 50-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem River, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison, only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple: once you go in, you don't come out.

== The Duke ==
* They sent in their best man, and when we roll across the 69th Street bridge tomorrow, on our way to freedom, we're going to have their best man leading the way - from the neck up! ''[cheering erupts]'' On the hood of my car! ''[more cheering]''

== Dialogue ==	
:''[The USPF deploys in lower Manhattan to find the wreckage of Air Force One and recover the President, but encounter a strange man]''
:'''Romero''': You touch me... he dies. If you're not in the air in 30 seconds... he dies. You come back in... he dies. ''[takes a package out of his shirt and unwraps it to reveal the President's middle finger, complete with ring]'' Twenty seconds.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm ready to talk.
:'''Romero''': Nineteen. Eighteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': What do you want?
:'''Romero''': Seventeen. Sixteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[to his soldiers]'' Let's go. Let's go!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[reading Plissken's file]'' S.D. Plissken... American, Lieutenant: Special Forces Unit &quot;Black Light&quot;. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. Then you robbed the Federal Reserve Depository... life sentence, New York maximum security penitentiary. I'm about to kick your ass out of ''the world'', war hero...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[calmly strikes a match against Hauk's desk to light his cigarette and in a bored tone of voice]'' Who're you?
:'''Bob Hauk''': Hauk, Police Commissioner.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bob Hauk...
:'''Bob Hauk''': Special Forces Unit &quot;Texas Thunder&quot;... we heard of you too, Plissken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Hauk''': You go in, find the President, bring him out in 24 hours, and you're a free man.
:'''Snake Plissken''': 24 hours, huh?
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm making you an offer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bullshit!
:'''Bob Hauk''': Straight just like I said.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'll think about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': No time. Give me an answer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Get a new president!
:'''Bob Hauk''': We're still at war, Plissken. We need him alive.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Is that your answer?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm thinking about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Think hard.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' Why me?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You flew the Gullfire over Leningrad. You know how to get in quiet. You're all I got.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' I guess I go in one way or the other... doesn't mean shit to me. All right... I'll do it. Give me the pardon paper.
:'''Bob Hauk''': When you come out.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Before.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I told you I wasn't a fool, Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Call me Snake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob Hauk briefs Snake about the crash of Air Force One and the need to save POTUS in 24 hours]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': In 22 hours, the Hartford Summit Meeting will be over. China and the Soviet Union will go back home. Now, the President was on his way to the summit when his plane went down. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. The tape recording inside has to reach Hartford in 22 hours.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What's on it?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You know anything about nuclear fusion?
:'''Snake Plissken''': No.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The survival of the human race, Plissken. Something you don't give a shit about.
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[approaching Snake with two injection guns]'' I'm going to inject you. It will sting for a second. ''[places both guns on the sides of Snake's neck and injects him, producing a loud bang]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': That's it, Plissken.
:'''Cronenberg''': Tell him.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Tell me what?
:'''Bob Hauk''': That idea you had about turning the Gullfire around 180 degrees and flying off to Canada.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What did you do to me, asshole!?
:'''Bob Hauk''': My idea, Plissken. Something we've been fooling around with. Two microscopic capsules lodged in your arteries. They're already starting to dissolve. In 22 hours, the cores will completely dissolve. Inside the cores are a heat-sensing charge. Not a large explosion, ''[makes the OK sign with his right hand]'' about the size of a pinhead, just big enough to open up both of your arteries. I'd say you'd be dead in 10-15 seconds...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[chokes Hauk]'' Take them out, now!
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[nervously]'' They're protected by the cores. Fifteen minutes before the last hour is up, we can neutralize the charge with X-rays.
:''[Pushes Snake away from Hauk]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': We'll burn out the charges ''if'' you have the President.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What if I'm a little late?
:'''Bob Hauk''': No more Hartford Summit. And no more Snake Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': When I get back, I'm going to kill you.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The Gullfire's waiting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snake Plissken''': Where's the President?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke got him. Everybody knows the Duke's got him. You don't have to put a gun to my head. I'll tell you.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Who's the Duke?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke? The Duke of New York, A-Number-1, the Big Man, that's who!
:'''Snake Plissken''': I wanna meet this Duke.
:'''Cabbie''': You can't meet the Duke! Are you crazy? Nobody gets to meet the Duke. You meet him once and then you're dead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Snake walks off after hearing President Harker's lip service to the people who died rescuing him]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': You're gonna kill me now, Snake?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm too tired. ''[pause]'' Maybe later.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I've got another deal for you. I want you to think it over while you're resting. I want to give you a job. We'd make one hell of a team, Snake!
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[coldly glares at Hauk]'' The name's Plissken! ''[leaves]''

== About ''Escape from New York'' ==
* St. Louis - unbelievable! We went there because, well, there were certain sequences we just couldn't do in New York; they would have tied up the whole city too much. And St. Louis, due to a major fire they had there in 1977, now has just the right amount of emptiness in the downtown area. Also the right architecture. So much of the city looks vacant and dead; perfect for our needs since we couldn't use anything looking new or fresh. The city officials literally turned over the city to us. They'd shut down 10 blocks at a time to help us. I was told they hadn't hosted a major film for 15 years; they don't even have a real film commission, just a Department of Tourism. They let us trash it up, and do anything we needed. A major coup was finding, in St Louis, an exact replica - deserted, desolate, unused - of New York's Grand Central Station, complete with a train engine. Says Carpenter, &quot;I was told it's the biggest roofed-in area in the world. We walked in and said, 'My Lord! We don't even have to dress it!'&quot;
* The city officials not only gave permission, but were very helpful. We were the first film company in history allowed to shoot on Liberty Island, at the Statue of Liberty, at night. They let us have the whole island to ourselves. We were lucky. It wasn't easy to get that initial permission.
:* John Carpenter [http://io9.gizmodo.com/everything-you-never-knew-about-the-making-of-escape-fr-1579170866 &quot;Everything You Never Knew About The Making Of Escape From New York&quot;] Ryan Plummer, ''IO9'' 5/28/14.

* So it's entirely fair to say, and I've said it before, that the way Neuromancer-the-novel &quot;looks&quot; was influenced in large part by some of the artwork I saw in 'Heavy Metal'. I assume that this must also be true of John Carpenter's 'Escape from New York', Ridley Scott's 'Blade Runner'&quot;, and all other artefacts of the style sometimes dubbed 'cyberpunk'. Those French guys, they got their end in early.
** [[William Gibson]] introduction to Neuromancer graphic novel, as quoted in [http://brmovie.com/FAQs/BR_FAQ_BR_Influence.htm ''The Blade Runner Faq''].

== Taglines ==
* The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.
* 1997. New York City is now a maximum security prison. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking in is insane.
* New York City has become the only maximum security prison for the entire country. Once you go in, you don't come out... until today.

== Cast ==
* [[Kurt Russell]] - [[w:Snake Plissken|Snake Plissken]]
* [[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]] - Bob Hauk
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Cabbie
* [[Donald Pleasence]] - US President John Harker
* [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]] - The Duke of New York City
* [[Harry Dean Stanton]] - Harold &quot;Brain&quot; Hellman
* [[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Maggie
* [[w:Tom Atkins (actor)|Tom Atkins]] - Rehme
* [[w:Charles Cyphers|Charles Cyphers]] - United States Secretary of State
* [[w:Frank Doubleday (actor)|Frank Doubleday]] - Romero
* [[w:Ox Baker|Ox Baker]] - Slag
* [[Jamie Lee Curtis]] - computer voice and film narrator

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0082340|title=Escape from New York}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1006717-escape_from_new_york|title=Escape from New York}}

[[Category:1981 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Political thriller films]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Hostage dramas]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150566</id>
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      <text bytes="10841" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Escape from New York|Escape from New York]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 film]] set in the near future in a crime-ridden United States that has converted Manhattan Island in New York City into a maximum security prison. Ex-soldier Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find the President of the United States, who has been captured after the crash of Air Force One.
:''Directed by [[John Carpenter]]. Written by [[John Carpenter]] and [[w:Nick Castle|Nick Castle]].'' 
{{center|'''The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Narrator ==
* In 1988, the crime rate in the United States rises four hundred percent. The once great city of New York becomes the one maximum security prison for the entire country. A 50-foot containment wall is erected along the New Jersey shoreline, across the Harlem River, and down along the Brooklyn shoreline. It completely surrounds Manhattan Island. All bridges and waterways are mined. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped around the island. There are no guards inside the prison, only prisoners and the worlds they have made. The rules are simple: once you go in, you don't come out.

== The Duke ==
* They sent in their best man, and when we roll across the 69th Street bridge tomorrow, on our way to freedom, we're going to have their best man leading the way - from the neck up! ''[cheering erupts]'' On the hood of my car! ''[more cheering]''

== Dialogue ==	
:''[The USPF deploys in lower Manhattan to find the wreckage of Air Force One and recover the President, but encounter a strange man]''
:'''Romero''': You touch me... he dies. If you're not in the air in 30 seconds... he dies. You come back in... he dies. ''[takes a package out of his shirt and unwraps it to reveal the President's middle finger, complete with ring]'' Twenty seconds.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm ready to talk.
:'''Romero''': Nineteen. Eighteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': What do you want?
:'''Romero''': Seventeen. Sixteen.
:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[to his soldiers]'' Let's go. Let's go! ''[USPF troops pull out]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bob Hauk''': ''[reading Plissken's file]'' S.D. Plissken... American, Lieutenant: Special Forces Unit &quot;Black Light&quot;. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. Then you robbed the Federal Reserve Depository... life sentence, New York maximum security penitentiary. I'm about to kick your ass out of ''the world'', war hero...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[calmly strikes a match against Hauk's desk to light his cigarette and in a bored tone of voice]'' Who're you?
:'''Bob Hauk''': Hauk, Police Commissioner.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bob Hauk...
:'''Bob Hauk''': Special Forces Unit &quot;Texas Thunder&quot;... we heard of you too, Plissken.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob Hauk''': You go in, find the President, bring him out in 24 hours, and you're a free man.
:'''Snake Plissken''': 24 hours, huh?
:'''Bob Hauk''': I'm making you an offer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Bullshit!
:'''Bob Hauk''': Straight just like I said.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'll think about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': No time. Give me an answer.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Get a new president!
:'''Bob Hauk''': We're still at war, Plissken. We need him alive.
:'''Snake Plissken''': I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Is that your answer?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm thinking about it.
:'''Bob Hauk''': Think hard.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' Why me?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You flew the Gullfire over Leningrad. You know how to get in quiet. You're all I got.
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[pause]'' I guess I go in one way or the other... doesn't mean shit to me. All right... I'll do it. Give me the pardon paper.
:'''Bob Hauk''': When you come out.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Before.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I told you I wasn't a fool, Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Call me Snake.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob Hauk briefs Snake about the crash of Air Force One and the need to save POTUS in 24 hours]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': In 22 hours, the Hartford Summit Meeting will be over. China and the Soviet Union will go back home. Now, the President was on his way to the summit when his plane went down. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. The tape recording inside has to reach Hartford in 22 hours.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What's on it?
:'''Bob Hauk''': You know anything about nuclear fusion?
:'''Snake Plissken''': No.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The survival of the human race, Plissken. Something you don't give a shit about.
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[approaching Snake with two injection guns]'' I'm going to inject you. It will sting for a second. ''[places both guns on the sides of Snake's neck and injects him, producing a loud bang]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': That's it, Plissken.
:'''Cronenberg''': Tell him.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Tell me what?
:'''Bob Hauk''': That idea you had about turning the Gullfire around 180 degrees and flying off to Canada.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What did you do to me, asshole!?
:'''Bob Hauk''': My idea, Plissken. Something we've been fooling around with. Two microscopic capsules lodged in your arteries. They're already starting to dissolve. In 22 hours, the cores will completely dissolve. Inside the cores are a heat-sensing charge. Not a large explosion, ''[makes the OK sign with his right hand]'' about the size of a pinhead, just big enough to open up both of your arteries. I'd say you'd be dead in 10-15 seconds...
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[chokes Hauk]'' Take them out, now!
:'''Cronenberg''': ''[nervously]'' They're protected by the cores. Fifteen minutes before the last hour is up, we can neutralize the charge with X-rays.
:''[Pushes Snake away from Hauk]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': We'll burn out the charges ''if'' you have the President.
:'''Snake Plissken''': What if I'm a little late?
:'''Bob Hauk''': No more Hartford Summit. And no more Snake Plissken.
:'''Snake Plissken''': When I get back, I'm going to kill you.
:'''Bob Hauk''': The Gullfire's waiting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Snake Plissken''': Where's the President?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke got him. Everybody knows the Duke's got him. You don't have to put a gun to my head. I'll tell you.
:'''Snake Plissken''': Who's the Duke?
:'''Cabbie''': The Duke? The Duke of New York, A-Number-1, the Big Man, that's who!
:'''Snake Plissken''': I wanna meet this Duke.
:'''Cabbie''': You can't meet the Duke! Are you crazy? Nobody gets to meet the Duke. You meet him once and then you're dead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Snake walks off after hearing President Harker's lip service to the people who died rescuing him]''
:'''Bob Hauk''': You're gonna kill me now, Snake?
:'''Snake Plissken''': I'm too tired. ''[pause]'' Maybe later.
:'''Bob Hauk''': I've got another deal for you. I want you to think it over while you're resting. I want to give you a job. We'd make one hell of a team, Snake!
:'''Snake Plissken''': ''[coldly glares at Hauk]'' The name's Plissken! ''[leaves]''

== About ''Escape from New York'' ==
* St. Louis - unbelievable! We went there because, well, there were certain sequences we just couldn't do in New York; they would have tied up the whole city too much. And St. Louis, due to a major fire they had there in 1977, now has just the right amount of emptiness in the downtown area. Also the right architecture. So much of the city looks vacant and dead; perfect for our needs since we couldn't use anything looking new or fresh. The city officials literally turned over the city to us. They'd shut down 10 blocks at a time to help us. I was told they hadn't hosted a major film for 15 years; they don't even have a real film commission, just a Department of Tourism. They let us trash it up, and do anything we needed. A major coup was finding, in St Louis, an exact replica - deserted, desolate, unused - of New York's Grand Central Station, complete with a train engine. Says Carpenter, &quot;I was told it's the biggest roofed-in area in the world. We walked in and said, 'My Lord! We don't even have to dress it!'&quot;
* The city officials not only gave permission, but were very helpful. We were the first film company in history allowed to shoot on Liberty Island, at the Statue of Liberty, at night. They let us have the whole island to ourselves. We were lucky. It wasn't easy to get that initial permission.
:* John Carpenter [http://io9.gizmodo.com/everything-you-never-knew-about-the-making-of-escape-fr-1579170866 &quot;Everything You Never Knew About The Making Of Escape From New York&quot;] Ryan Plummer, ''IO9'' 5/28/14.

* So it's entirely fair to say, and I've said it before, that the way Neuromancer-the-novel &quot;looks&quot; was influenced in large part by some of the artwork I saw in 'Heavy Metal'. I assume that this must also be true of John Carpenter's 'Escape from New York', Ridley Scott's 'Blade Runner'&quot;, and all other artefacts of the style sometimes dubbed 'cyberpunk'. Those French guys, they got their end in early.
** [[William Gibson]] introduction to Neuromancer graphic novel, as quoted in [http://brmovie.com/FAQs/BR_FAQ_BR_Influence.htm ''The Blade Runner Faq''].

== Taglines ==
* The world's greatest leader is a hostage in the most dangerous place on Earth. Now only the deadliest man alive can save him.
* 1997. New York City is now a maximum security prison. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking in is insane.
* New York City has become the only maximum security prison for the entire country. Once you go in, you don't come out... until today.

== Cast ==
* [[Kurt Russell]] - [[w:Snake Plissken|Snake Plissken]]
* [[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]] - Bob Hauk
* [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]] - Cabbie
* [[Donald Pleasence]] - US President John Harker
* [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]] - The Duke of New York City
* [[Harry Dean Stanton]] - Harold &quot;Brain&quot; Hellman
* [[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Maggie
* [[w:Tom Atkins (actor)|Tom Atkins]] - Rehme
* [[w:Charles Cyphers|Charles Cyphers]] - United States Secretary of State
* [[w:Frank Doubleday (actor)|Frank Doubleday]] - Romero
* [[w:Ox Baker|Ox Baker]] - Slag
* [[Jamie Lee Curtis]] - computer voice and film narrator

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0082340|title=Escape from New York}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1006717-escape_from_new_york|title=Escape from New York}}

[[Category:1981 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Crime films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Dystopian films]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
[[Category:Science fiction films]]
[[Category:Post-apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Political thriller films]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Hostage dramas]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Carpenter]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Django Unchained</title>
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[[File:Django Unchained logo.png|thumb|''The D is silent. Payback won't be.'']]
'''''[[w:Django Unchained|Django Unchained]]''''' is a [[w:2012 in film|2012 film]] about a freed slave, along with a German bounty hunter, on a mission to rescue his wife in the [[w:Antebellum era|Antebellum era]] of the [[w:Deep South|Deep South]] and [[w:American Frontier#The Antebellum West|Old West]].
: ''Written and directed by [[W:Quentin Tarantino|Quentin Tarantino]].''

== Calvin J. Candie ==
*  Gentlemen, you had my curiosity. But now you have my attention.
* Django and his friend in gray here, Dr. Schultz, are customers. And they are our guests, Stephen. And you, you old, decrepit bastard, are to show them every hospitality. You understand that?
* ''[Showing Django and Schultz a human skull]'' This is Ben. He's an old joe that lived around here for a long time, and I do mean a long damn time. Old Ben here took care of my daddy and my daddy's daddy. Till he up and keeled over one day, old Ben took care of me. Growin' up the son of a huge plantation owner in Mississippi puts a white man in contact with a whole lotta black faces. I spent my whole life here, right here in Candieland, surrounded by black faces. Now seein' 'em every day, day in and day out, I only had one question: why don't they kill us? Now right out there on that porch, three times a week for fifty years, old Ben here would shave my daddy with a straight razor. Now, if I was old Ben, I woulda cut my daddy's goddamn throat, an' it wouldn't-a taken me no fifty years of doin' neither. But he never did. Why not? See, the science of [[phrenology]] is crucial to understandin' the separation of our two species. ''[Picking up a hacksaw]'' And the skull of the African here? The area associated with submissiveness is larger than any human or any other sub-human species on planet Earth. ''[Saws a piece off the back of the skull, brushes it off, and holds it up]'' If you examine this piece of skull here you'll notice three distinct dimples. Here, here and here. Now, if I was holdin' the skull of an [[Issac Newton]] or a [[Galileo]], these three dimples would be found in the area of the skull most associated with creativity. But this is the skull of old Ben. And in the skull of old Ben, unburdened by genius, these three dimples exist in the area of the skull most associated with servility. ''[To Django]'' Now bright boy, I will admit you are pretty clever. But if I took this hammer here, and I bashed in your skull with it, you would have the same three dimples in the same place as old Ben.

== Dr King Schultz ==
* ''[To slaves that had been chained to Django]'' Now as to you poor devils. So as I see it, when it comes to the subject of what to do next, you gentlemen have two choices. One, when I'm gone, you lift that horse off the remaining Speck and carry him to the nearest town, which would be at least thirty seven miles back the way you came. Or two, ''(throws them keys)'' you unshackle yourselves, take that rifle over there, put a bullet in his head, bury the two of them deep, and make your way to a more enlightened part of the country. The choice is yours. ''(starts to ride off, stops)'' Oh, and on the off-chance that there are any astronomy aficionados amongst you, the North Star is that one. Tata.

== Stephen ==
* ''[To Django]'' Your black ass been all them motherfuckers at the big house could talk about for the last few hours. Seem like white folk ain't never had a bright idea in they life been comin' up with different ways to kill your ass. Now mind you, most of them ideas had to do with fuckin' with your fun parts. Now that may seem like a good idea but truth is when you snip a nigga's nuts most of 'em bleed out in oh about, mmm, seven minutes, most of 'em. Well, more than most. Then I says, &quot;Shitfire, the niggers we sell to LeQuint Dickey got it worse than that.&quot; And they still saying, &quot;Let's whip 'em to death&quot; or &quot;Throw 'em to the mandingos&quot;, &quot;Feed 'em to Stonecipher's dogs&quot;. I said &quot;What's so special 'bout that? We do that shit all the time. Hells bells, the niggers we sell to LeQuint Dickey got it worse than that.&quot; ''[mocking surprise]'' Lo and behold, outta nowhere, Miss Lara come up with the bright idea of givin' your ass to the LeQuint Dickey Mining Company. And as a slave of the LeQuint Dickey Mining Company, henceforth till the day you die, all day, every day, you will be swingin' a sledgehammer, turnin' big rocks into little rocks. Now when ya get there, they gonna take away your name, gi'ya a number and a sledgehammer and say, &quot;Get to work!&quot; One word of sass, they cuts out your tongue. They good at it too. You won't bleed out. Oh, they does that ''real'' good. They gonna work ya, all day every day, till your back give out. Then they gonna hitcha in the head with a hammer, and throw your ass down the nigga hole, and ''that'' will be the story of you, Django!
* ''[Last words] '''DJANGO!''''' You uppity son of a--

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ace Speck''': Move it!
:'''Dr King Schultz''': My good man, did you simply get carried away with your dramatic gesture, or are you pointing that weapon at me with lethal intention?
:'''Ace Speck''': ''(cocks rifle)'' Last chance, fancy pants.
:'''Dr Schultz''': Oh very well. ''(drops his latern and draws his revolver, shooting Ace and Dicky's horse in the head, the latter falling under the rider and crushing his leg)''
:'''Dr Schultz''': I'm sorry to put a bullet in your beast, but I didn't want you to do anything rash before you had a moment to come to your senses.
:'''Dicky Speck''': You goddamn son of a bitch! You shot Rascal! And you killed Ace!
:'''Dr Schultz''': I only shot your brother once he threatened to shoot me, and I believe I have ''(counts slaves)'' one, two, three, four, five, six, seven witness who can attest to that fact.
:'''Dicky Speck''': My leg's busted!
:'''Dr Schultz''': ''(drily)'' No doubt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Django and Schultz walk into the saloon in Daughtrey]''
:'''Dr. King Schultz:''' Good morning, innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.
:'''Saloon Keeper Pete:''' It's still a bit early. We won't be open for another hour. By then, we'll be servin' breakfast. ''[sees Django]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell do you think you're doing, boy?! Get that nigger out of here! ''[runs out of the saloon]'' Help! Help!
:'''Schultz:''' Innkeeper! Remember, get the Sheriff, not the Marshal! 
:'''Pete:''' Sheriff! Sheriff!
:'''Schultz:''' Alas. Now we must act as our own bartender. Sit down, my boy. ''[drafts two beer mugs]'' 
:'''Django''': What kinda dentist are you?
:'''Schultz:''' ''[laughs]'' Despite that cart I haven't practiced dentistry in five years. But these days I practice a new profession: bounty hunter. Do you know what a bounty hunter is?
:'''Django''': No.
:'''Schultz:''' Well, the way the slave trade deals in human lives for cash, a bounty hunter deals in corpses. ''[clicks his tongue]'' Hat. ''[Django moves his hat aside; Schultz set the two beers on the table]'' Prost? The state places a bounty on a man's head. I track that man, I find that man, I kill that man. After I've killed him, I transport that man's corpse back to the authorities - sometimes that's easier said than done. I show that corpse to the authorities - proving yes indeed I truly ''have'' killed him, at which point the authorities pay me the bounty. So, like slavery, it's a flesh for cash business.
:'''Django''': What's a bounty?
:'''Schultz:''' It's like a reward.
:'''Django''': You kill people? And they give you a reward?
:'''Schultz:''' Certain people, yeah.
:'''Django''': Bad people?
:'''Schultz:''' Ah, badder they are, bigger the reward. Which brings me to you, and I must admit I'm at a bit of a quandary when it comes to you. On one hand I despise slavery, on the other hand I need your help. If you're not in a position to refuse, all the better. So for the time being I'm gonna make this slavery malarkey work to my benefit. Still, having said that, I feel guilty. So, I would like the two of us to enter into an agreement. I'm looking for the Brittle brothers. However in this endeavor I'm at a slight disadvantage in so far as I have no idea what they look like. But you do...don'tcha?
:'''Django:''' I know what they look like all right.
:'''Schultz:''' Good. So, here's my agreement. You travel with me until we find them.
:'''Django:''' Where we goin'?
:'''Schultz:''' I hear at least two of them are overseeing up in Gatlinburg, but I don't know where. That means we visit every plantation in Gatlinburg till we find them. And when we find them, you point them out, and I kill them. You do that, I agree to give you your freedom, twenty-five dollars per Brittle Brother, that's seventy-five dollars — and, as if on cue, here comes the Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Bill Sharp:''' Okay, boys! Fun's over. Come on out. ''[Schultz and Django step outside]'' Alright, folks, calm down! Go about your business. These jokers will be gone soon. Now, why y'all wanna come into my town and start trouble, and scare all these nice people? You ain't got nothin' better to do than to come into Bill Sharp's town and show your ''ass''? ''[Schultz advances on the sheriff and shoots him with a concealed derringer.]''
:'''Pedestrian:''' What did you just do to our Sheriff? ''[Schultz walks around the wounded sheriff and shoots him again in the head]''
:'''Schultz:''' ''[to the bartender]'' ''Now'' you can get the marshal.
:'''Pete:''' Marshal! Marshal!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Marshal Gill Tatum''': You in the saloon! You got a hundred rifles aimed at every way outta that buildin'! You got one chance to get out of this alive! You and your nigger come out right now with your hands over your head and I mean right now!
:'''Dr. King Schultz''': Is this the marshal I have the pleasure of addressing?
:'''Marshal''': Yes it is. This is U.S. Marshal Gill Tatum!
:'''Schultz''': Na wunderbar, Marshal! I have relieved myself of all weapons, and just as you have instructed I am ready to step outside with my hands raised above my head! ''[Marshal Tatum spits out some tobacco]'' I trust, as a representative of the criminal justice system of the United States of America, I shan't be shot down in the street by either you or your deputies before I've had my day in court!
:'''Marshal''': You mean like you did our sheriff? Shot 'em down like a dog in the street!
:'''Schultz''': Yes that's ''exactly'' what I mean! Do I have your word as a lawman ''not'' to shoot me down like a dog in the street?
:'''Marshal''': Well, much as we'd all enjoy seein' something like that, ain't nobody gonna cheat the hangman in my town!
:'''Schultz''': Fair enough marshal. Here we come! ''[to Django]'' They're a little tense out there, so don't make any quick movements and let me do the talking.
:''[Schultz and Django exit the saloon, hands raised, with Schultz clutching a piece of paper]''
:'''Marshal''': Come ahead. You unarmed?
:'''Schultz''': Yes, indeed we are. Marshal Tatum, may I address you and your deputies, and apparently the entire town of Daughtrey, as to the incident that just transpired?
:'''Marshal''': Go on.
:'''Schultz''': My name is Dr. King Schultz. Like yourself, marshal, I'm a servant of the court. The man lying dead in the dirt, who the good people of Daughtrey saw fit to elect as their sheriff, who went by the name of Bill Sharp, is actually a wanted outlaw by the name of Willard Peck, with a price on his head of two hundred dollars. Now that's two hundred dollars, dead or alive.
:'''Marshal''': The hell you say!
:'''Schultz''': Well I'm aware this is probably disconcerting news, but I'm willing to wager this man was elected sheriff sometime in the past two years? 
:'''Marshal''': Yeah.
:'''Schultz:''' I know this because ''three'' years ago he was rustling cattle from the B.C. Corrigan Cattle Company of Lubbock, Texas. Now ''this'' ''[pointing at paper]'' is a warrant made out by Circuit Court Judge Henry Allen Laudermilk of Austin, Texas. You're encouraged to wire him. He'll back up who I am, and who your dear departed sheriff ''was''. In other words, marshal, you owe me two hundred dollars.
:'''Django''': I'll be damned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Dr. King Schultz''': Mr. Bennett, I must remind you Django is a free man. You cannot treat him like a slave. Now, within the bounds of good taste, he must be treated as an extension of myself.
:'''Spencer 'Big Daddy' Bennett''': Understood, Schultz. Betina, sugar?
:'''Betina''': Yes sir?
:'''Big Daddy''': Django isn't a slave. Django is a free man. You can't treat him like any of the other niggers around here 'cause he ain't like any of the other niggers around here. You got it?
:'''Betina''': You want us to treat him like white folks? ''[Schultz nods]''
:'''Big Daddy''': No. That's not what I said.
:'''Betina''': Then I don't know what you want, Big Daddy.
:'''Big Daddy''': Yes, I can see that. Ah, what's the name of that peckerwood boy from town that works with the glass? His momma worked over at the lumber yard.
:'''House Servant''': Oh, you mean Jerry.
:'''Big Daddy''': That's the boy's name. Jerry! Betina, you know Jerry. Don't you, sugar?
:'''Betina''': Yes sir, Big Daddy.
:'''Big Daddy''': Well, that's it then. Just treat him like you would Jerry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Little Raj and Big John Brittle are preparing to whip Little Jody]''
:'''Little Raj Brittle:''' Come on, now.
:'''Little Jody:''' No, no, please!
:'''Little Raj:'''  Come on, girlie!
:'''Little Jody:''' Please!
:'''Little Raj:'''  Come on. Get you set up now.
:'''Big John Brittle:''' &quot;And the Lord said; The fear of ye and the dread of ye shall be on every beast of the earth.&quot; ''[cracks his whip]''
:'''Little Raj:'''  Come here now, woman! 
:'''Little Jody:''' No, please!
:'''Little Raj:'''  You'd better give me that arm! Okay, she's ready!
:'''Big John:''' And after this, we'll see if you break eggs again.
:'''Django:''' John Brittle! You remember me? ''[shoots Big John with his concealed derringer]''
:'''Django:''' I like the way you die, boy. ''[Big John collapses stiffly]''
:'''Little Raj:''' Goddamn son of a bitch! ''[fumbles his revolver]''
:'''Django:''' ''[whipping Little Raj with Big John's whip]'' Keep it funny!
:'''Django:''' ''[to the other slaves]'' Y'all wanna see somethin? ''[grabs Little Raj's revolver and shoots him repeatedly]''
:'''Dr. King Schultz''': ''[entering on horseback]'' Who were they?
:'''Django:''' That's Big John. That's Little Raj.
:'''Schultz:''' Where's Ellis?
:'''Django''': He's the one hightailin' it across that field right now.
:'''Schultz''': ''[aims his rifle]'' You sure that's him?
:'''Django''': Yeah.
:'''Schultz''': Positive?
:'''Django''': I dunno.
:'''Schultz''': You don't know if you're positive?
:'''Django''': I dunno what positive means.
:'''Schultz''': It means you're sure.
:'''Django''': Yes.
:'''Schultz''': Yes what?
:'''Django''': Yes I'm sure that's Ellis Brittle. ''[Schultz fires, knocking Ellis to the ground]'' I'm positive he dead.
:'''Schultz:''' ''[noticing Bennett and his men approaching]'' Django! ''[Django and Schultz drop their weapons and raise their hands]'' Everybody calm down. We mean no one else any harm.
:'''Spencer 'Big Daddy' Bennett:''' Who are you two jokers?
:'''Schultz:''' I am Dr. King Schultz, a legal representative of the criminal justice system of the United States of America. The man to my left is Django Freeman, he's my deputy. In my pocket is a warrant, signed by Circuit Court Judge Henry Allen Laudermilk of Austin, Texas, for the arrest and capture, dead or alive, of John Brittle, Roger Brittle and Ellis Brittle.
:'''Django:''' They were goin' by the name Schaeffer.
:'''Schultz:''' You know them by the name of Schaeffer, but the butchers' real name was Brittle. These are wanted men. The law wants 'em for murder. Now, I reiterate, the warrant states dead or alive, so when Mr. Freeman and myself executed these men on sight, we were operating within our legal boundaries. I realize passions are high, but I must warn you, the penalty for taking deadly force against an officer of the court in the performance of his duty is, you'll be hung by the neck until you're dead. May I please remove the warrant from my pocket so you may examine it?
:'''Big Daddy:''' Gimme. ''[Schultz hands his warrant to Big Daddy]''
:'''Schultz:''' Satisfied? May I have that back, please?
:'''Big Daddy:''' Get off my land.
:'''Schultz:''' Post haste! ''[to Django]'' Load up the bodies as quickly as you can and let's get out of here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Big Daddy is giving orders to a posse of men with KKK-type masks]''
:'''Spencer 'Big Daddy' Bennett''': Now, unless they start shootin' first, nobody shoot 'em. That's way too simple for these jokers. We're gonna whup that nigger lover to death. And I'm gonna personally strip and clip that garboon myself! ''[puts his bag on]'' Damn. I can't see fuckin' shit out of this thing!
:'''Bradshaw''': Are we ready or what?
:'''Big Daddy''': Ah hold on, I'm fuckin' with my eye holes! ''[tears his bag]'' Oh shit. I just made it worse!
:'''Tennessee Redfish''': Who made this goddamn shit?!
:'''O.B.''': Willard's wife.
:'''Willard''': Well make your own goddamn mask!
:'''Big Daddy''': Look! Nobody's sayin' they don't appreciate what Jenny did.
:'''Redfish''': Well if all I had to do was cut a hole in a bag, I coulda cut it better than ''this''!
:'''O.B.''': What about you, Robert? Can you see?
:'''Robert''': Not too good. I mean, if I don't move my head I can see you pretty good. More or less. But when I start ridin', the bag's movin' all over and I'm ridin' blind.
:'''Randy''': ''[tearing his bag]'' Shit. I just made mine worse. Anybody bring any extra bags?
:'''Terry''': No! Nobody brought an extra bag!
:'''Randy''': I'm just asking!
:'''Doug''': Do we have to wear 'em when we ride?
:'''Big Daddy''': Oh well shitfire! If you don't wear 'em as you ride up that just defeats the purpose!
:'''Redfish''': ''[ripping off his bag]'' Well I can't ''see'' in this fucking thing! I can't ''breathe'' in this fucking thing and I can't ''ride'' in this fucking thing!
:'''Willard''': Well fuck all, y'all! I'm goin' home! Ya know, I watched my wife work all day gettin' thirty bags together for you ungrateful sons of bitches, and all I can hear is criticize, criticize, criticize! ''[tears off his mask]'' From now on, don't ask me or mine for nothin'! ''[rides away]''
:'''Big Daddy''': Now look, let's not forget why we're here. We gotta killer nigger over that hill there, and we gotta make a lesson outta 'em.
:'''Randy''': Okay I'm confused. Are the bags on or off?
:'''Robert''': I think, we all think, the bags was a nice idea. But not pointin' any fingers, they coulda been done better. So how about no bags this time, but ''next time'', we do the bags right, and then we go full regalia. ''[The crowd agrees and starts to remove the bags]''
:'''Big Daddy''': Wait a minute! I didn't say no bags. ''[Crowd stops]''
:'''Randy''': But nobody can see.
:'''Big Daddy''': So?
:'''Randy''': So it'd be nice to see.
:'''Big Daddy''': Goddammit! This is a raid! ''I'' can't see! ''You'' can't see! So what? All that matters is can the fuckin' horse see! ''That's'' a raid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Django Freeman''': How you know Brunhilde's first master's was German?
:'''Dr. King Schultz''': Brunhilde is a German name. If they named her it stands to reason they'd be German.
:'''Django''': Lots of gals where you from named Brunhilde?
:'''Schultz''': Brunhilde is the name of a character in the most popular of all the German legends.
:'''Django''': There's a story 'bout Brunhilde?
:'''Schultz''': Yes there is.
:'''Django''': Do you know it?
:'''Schultz''': Oh every German knows that story. Would you like me to tell you? ''[Django nods]'' Well, [[w:Brynhildr|Brunhilde]] was a princess. She was the daughter of Wotan, god of all gods. Anyway her father is really mad at her.
:'''Django''': What'd she do?
:'''Schultz''': I can't exactly remember. She disobeys him in some way. So he puts her on top of a mountain.
:'''Django''': Brunhilde's on a mountain?
:'''Schultz''': It's a German legend, there's always going to be a mountain in there somewhere. And he puts a fire-breathing dragon there to guard the mountain, and he surrounds her in a circle of hellfire. And there Brunhilde shall remain unless a hero arises brave enough to save her.
:'''Django''': Does a fella arise?
:'''Schultz''': Yes Django, as a matter of fact he does. A fella named Sigfried.
:'''Django''': Does Sigfried save her?
:'''Schultz''': ''[nods]'' Quite spectacularly so. He scales the mountain because he's not afraid of it. He slays the dragon because he's not afraid of him. And he walks through hellfire because Brunhilde's worth it.
:'''Django''': I know how he feels.
:'''Schultz''': I think I'm just starting to realize that. Look Django, I don't doubt that one day you'll save your lady love, but I can't let you go into Greenville in a good conscience. A slave auction town in Mississippi isn't the place for you to visit, free or not it's just too dangerous. But let me ask you a question: how do you like the bounty hunting business?
:'''Django''': Kill white folks and they pay you for it? What's not to like?
:'''Schultz''': I have to admit we make a good team.
:'''Django''': I thought you was mad at me for killin' Big John and Little Raj.
:'''Schultz''': Yeah, on that occasion you were a tad overzealous, but normally that's a good thing. How'd you like to partner up for the winter?
:'''Django''': Whatcha mean partner up?
:'''Schultz''': You work with me through the winter till the snow melts. I give you a third of my bounties so we make some money this winter and when the snow melts I'll take you to Greenville myself and we'll find where they sent your wife.
:'''Django''': Why you care what happens to me? Why you care if I find my wife?
:'''Schultz''': Frankly, I've never given anybody their freedom before, and now that I have I feel vaguely responsible for you. Plus when a German meets a real-life Sigfried that's kind of a big deal. As a German I'm obliged to help you on your quest to rescue your beloved Brunhilde.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amerigo Vessepi and Django are having drinks together after Vessepi's slave loses to Candie's in a Mandingo fight]''
:'''Amerigo Vessepi''': What's your name?
:'''Django''': Django.
:'''Vessepi''': Can you spell it?
:'''Django''':  D-J-A-N-G-O... the D is silent.
:'''Vessepi''': [[Django (1966 film)|I know]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Django''': Here's your nigger. 
:'''Calvin Candie''': Mr. Stonecipher! Let Marsha and her bitches send D'Artagnan to nigger heaven.
:'''Mr. Stonecipher''': Marsha! Tear into him! ''(D'Artagnan screams as the dogs devour him alive.)''
:'''Candie''': Your boss looks a little green around the gills for a blood sport like nigger-fighting.
:'''Django''': Nah. He just ain't used to seeing a man ripped apart by dogs is all.
:'''Candie''': You are used to it?
:'''Django''': I'm just a little more used to Americans than he is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Calvin Candie''': White cake?
:'''Dr. King Schultz''': I don't go in for sweets, thank you.
:'''Candie''': You brooding 'bout me getting the best of ya, huh?
:'''Schultz''': Actually, I was thinking of that poor devil you fed to the dogs today, D'Artagnan. And I was wondering what Dumas would make of all this.
:'''Candie''': Come again?
:'''Schultz''': [[w:Alexander Dumas|Alexander Dumas]]. He wrote [[w:The Three Musketeers|''The Three Musketeers'']].
:'''Candie''': Yes of course, doctor.
:'''Schultz''': I figured you must be an admirer. You named your slave after his novel's lead character. If Alexander Dumas had been there today, I wonder what he would have made of it?
:'''Candie''': You doubt he'd approve, huh?
:'''Schultz''': Yes. His approval would be a dubious proposition at best.
:'''Candie''': Soft-hearted Frenchy.
:'''Schultz''': Alexander Dumas is black. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy Crash''': ''[To Django]'' So y'all bounty hunters, huh? I knew there was somethin' fishy 'bout y'all. We found your wanted posters and book of figures in your saddle bags. I gotta say, I ain't never hearda no black bounty hunter before. Black boy paid to kill white men, how'd ya like that kinda work? Probably pretty good while it lasted, huh? ''[holding a knife to Django's groin]'' Time to say goodbye to them nuts, blackie. On three. One. ''[Django screams in pain]'' I gotcha. Two. ''[Django yells a muffled &quot;please!&quot;]'' Calm down now, here it comes.
:'''Stephen''': Captain? Miss Lara wanna see you. Somethin' to do with the old man's funeral. Oh, and she changed her mind 'bout snippin' Django. She gonna give 'em to the LeQuint Dickey people.
:'''Billy Crash''': ''[annoyed]'' Well she didn't waste a minute tellin' me. How disappointing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Candie's family and friends enter Candieland after the funeral. As they enter, Stephen sings &quot;In the Sweet By and By&quot;]''
:'''Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly:''' Cora, would you prepare us some coffee?
:'''Stephen:''' Sheba, you help her.
:'''Cora:''' Come on.
: '''Stephen:''' In the sweet...
:'''Django:''' ''[singing in the shadows]'' &quot;...By and by.&quot; ''[walks into view]'' Oh, y'all gonna be together with Calvin in the by-and-by, just a bit sooner than y'all was expectin'. ''[shoots the plantation hands as they draw their guns]'' Billy Crash! Now where were we? Oh, that's right. Last time I seen you, you had your hands on my— ''[shoots Crash in the groin]''
:'''Billy Crash''': D-Jango, you black son of a bitch!
:'''Django''': The D is silent, hillbilly. ''[shoots Crash in the head]''
:'''Lara Lee:''' Oh no!
:'''Django:''' Now, all you black folks, I suggest you get away from all these white folks. Not you, Stephen. You right where you belong. Uh, Cora, before you go would you tell Ms. Lara goodbye?
:'''Cora''': Do what now?
:'''Django''': I said, tell Ms. Lara goodbye?
:'''Cora''': Bye, Ms. Lara! ''[Django shoots Lara, knocking her into the next room]''
:'''Django''': Y’all you two run along now. ''[Cora and Sheba flee from the mansion]'' Stephen, how you like my new duds? You know, before now I didn't know that burgundy was my colour.
:'''Stephen''': I count six shots, nigger.
:'''Django''': I count two guns, nigger. You said in 76 years on this plantation, you seen all manner-a shit done to niggers. But I notice, you didn't mention kneecappin'.
:'''Stephen''': Oh God! Motherfucker! Damn it!
:'''Django''': Seventy-six years, Stephen. How many niggers you see come and go, huh? Seven thousand? Eight thousand? Nine thousand? Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninty nine? Every single word that came out of Calvin Candie's mouth was nothin' but horseshit. But he was right one thing: I am that one nigger in 10,000.
:'''Stephen:''' You son of a bitch! You motherfucker! Oh, sweet Jesus, let me kill this nigger! You ain't gonna get away with this, Django! They gonna catch your black ass. You gonna be on the wanted posters now, nigger! The bounty hunters is gonna lookin' for you. You can run, nigger, but they gonna find your ass! And when they do, oh, Lord, what they gonna do to your ass! They ain't gonna just kill you, nigger! You done fucked up! This Candyland, nigger! You can't destroy Candyland! We been here! There's always gonna be a Candyland! Can't no nigger gunfighter kill all the white folks in the world! They gonna find your black ass! ''[Stephen laughs hysterically]'' Django! You uppity son of a... ''[Mansion explodes]''

== Taglines ==
* Life, liberty and the pursuit of vengeance.
* Once upon a time in the south.
* This Christmas, Django is off the chain.
* The D is silent. Payback won't be.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jamie Foxx|Jamie Foxx]] as Django Freeman
* [[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]] as Dr. King Schultz
* [[Leonardo DiCaprio]] as Calvin J. Candie
* [[Kerry Washington]] as Brunhilde von Shaft
* [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]] as Stephen
* [[w:Walton Goggins|Walton Goggins]] as Billy Crash
* [[w:Dennis Christopher|Dennis Christopher]] as Leonide Moguy
* [[w:James Remar|James Remar]] as Ace Speck/Butch Pooch
* David Steen as Mr. Stonecipher
* Dana Michelle Gourrier as Cora
* Nichole Galicia as Sheba
* [[w:Laura Cayouette|Laura Cayouette]] as Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
* [[w:Ato Essandoh|Ato Essandoh]] as D'Artagnan
* Sammi Rotibi as Rodney
* Escalante Lundy as Big Fred
* Miriam F. Glover as Betina
* [[Don Johnson]] as Spencer 'Big Daddy' Bennett
* [[w:James Russo|James Russo]] as Dicky Speck
* [[w:Tom Wopat|Tom Wopat]] as U.S. Marshal Gill Tatum
* [[w:Don Stroud|Don Stroud]] as Sheriff Bill Sharp
* [[w:Bruce Dern|Bruce Dern]] as Old Man Carrucan
* [[w:M. C. Gainey|M. C. Gainey]] as Big John Brittle
* [[w:Cooper Huckabee|Cooper Huckabee]] as Lil Raj Brittle
* Doc Duhame as Ellis Brittle
* [[w:Jonah Hill|Jonah Hill]] as Randy
* [[w:Lee Horsley|Lee Horsley]] as Sheriff Gus (Snowy Snow)
* [[w:Franco Nero|Franco Nero]] as Amerigo Vessepi

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1853728|title=Django Unchained}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=django_unchained|title=Django Unchained}}
* [http://unchainedmovie.com/ Official site]

[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:Quentin Tarantino films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Western films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Quentin Tarantino]]
[[Category:Films about racism]]
[[Category:Films about slavery]]
[[Category:Best Original Screenplay Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Films set in Mississippi]]
[[Category:Films set in Tennessee]]
[[Category:Films set in Texas]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>WCW Monday Nitro</title>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:41:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
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      <comment>/* September 4 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="68939" xml:space="preserve">[[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001.

== 1995 ==
=== September 4 ===
:''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him!
:'''Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael''': What is this?
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]].
:'''Eric''': Get him out of here!
:'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards!
:'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting &quot;Luger! Luger!&quot;]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here!
:'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong?
:'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance.
:'''Eric''': We have a major problem here.
:'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one.
:'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here.
:'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody.

=== December 18 ===
:''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]''
:'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt.
:'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can!
:'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]''
:'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow!
:'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she?
:'''Eric''': I'll tell you what...
:'''Bobby''': What a doll.

== 1996 ==
=== May 27 ===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going.
:'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?
:'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down.
:'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about.
:'''Larry''': What are you talking about?!
:''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]''
:'''Tony''': Look here.
:'''Larry''': Well, what the hell?
:'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic!
:'''Larry''': What's with this?
:'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing.
:'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
:'''Larry''': The match left!
:'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some-
:'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we?
:'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the &quot;big boys play&quot;? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, &quot;Get three of his very very best.&quot; Maybe the Nacho Man! &quot;Oooooooh....No.&quot; Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we...
:'''Eric''': Who do you mean &quot;We&quot;?
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts...
:'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line.
:'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, 
:'''Eric''': Not.
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]''
:'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here.
:'''Hall''': If you say so!
:'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week.

===June 3===
:''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]''
:'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more.
:'''Eric''': Look there's no reason...
:'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean &quot;We&quot;? You come up with this We stuff.
:'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet?
:'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man.
:'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best.
:'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best.
:'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now!
:'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week.

=== June 10===
:''[Scott Hall shows up again]''
:'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he?
:''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''.
:'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and...
:'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something?
:'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight.
:'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore.
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight.
:'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]''

===July 8===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''?
:'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as &quot;three little dogs&quot; waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you!
:'''Mean Gene''': By the way--
:'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT!
:'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you.
:'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah!

=== July 15 ===
:'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene!
:'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted &quot;Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!&quot;
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world!
:'''Eric''': This conceited jerk!
:'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes.
:'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!!

=== September 16===
:''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]''
:'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say &quot;I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!&quot; So I said to myself, &quot;I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''.&quot; And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, &quot;No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!&quot; Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. 

=== November 18===
:''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]''
:'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this!
:'''Tony''': What's the problem here?
:'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! (to Tony) Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh?
:'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh?
:'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question.
:'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right?
:'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh?
:'''Tony''': (to Larry who's not standing up for Tony) Do you want to step in here?
:'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think.
:'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now.
:'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset.
:'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends?
:'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood.
:'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play?
:'''Larry''': Don't get upset!
:'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]''
:'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! 

== 1997 ==
===February 10===
:''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me?
:'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff!
:'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life.
:'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim!
:'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing...
:'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was -
:'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck.
:'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck?
:'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape.
:'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened-
:''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' 
:'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break.
:'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive!

===February 17===
:''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee!
:'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match-
:'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! 
:'''Jett''': It's not fair
:'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you!

===September 1===  
:''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody who followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour.

:You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback.

:But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - beside the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo!

:''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one for twenty years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friends in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is already spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, not anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horsemen. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot.

===September 15===
:''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head'']
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]''

===September 22===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute?
:'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg?

===November 17===
:'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shhhh out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting I will partake.

== 1998 ==
===May 11===
:''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one.

:But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there.

===July 6===
:''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast.
:'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby.
:'''Hogan''': That's right brother.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Hogan''': I like it.
:'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling?
:'''Hall''': Too sweet.
:'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now.
:'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now.
:''[Goldberg now walks alone]''
:'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed.
:'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight?
:'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge.
:'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is.
:'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption.
:'''Bobby''': Bigger than before.
:'''Tony''': This is his moment.
:''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]''
:'''Bobby''': It's a long way down.
:'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring.
:'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready!
:'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down!
:'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it!
:'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah!
:'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One...
:'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!!
:'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and &quot;Goldberg&quot; chants]'' Wow.
:'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
:'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' &quot;Who's next?&quot;
:'''Bobby''': Who cares?
:'''Tony''': &quot;Who cares&quot; is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome int front of more than 39,000 fans.
:'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town.
:'''Tony''': When we go to Bash at the Beach, Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away.
:'''Bobby''': We still got Thunder, Wednesday.
:'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere...
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. 
:'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin!
:'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan...
:'''Bobby''': Thank you!!
:'''Tony''': and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!!
:'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go!

===August 17===
:''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for &quot;somebody from his past.&quot; Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]''
:'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!!
:'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead!
:'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! [Warrior Chants] Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!&lt;/br&gt; Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.&lt;/br&gt; In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!&lt;/br&gt; Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you?
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you?
:'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.&lt;/br&gt; Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.&lt;/br&gt; I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.&lt;/br&gt;

===September 14===

:'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said &quot;Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!&quot; And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen.
:Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you &quot;what do you wanna be when you grow up?&quot; There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves.
:And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind...
:'''Crowd''': We Want Flair!
:'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff.
:So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said &quot;this can all happen.&quot; And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down.
:Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000.
:Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football.
:Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman.
:Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: &quot;Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!&quot; But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it!
:Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, &quot;Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen.&quot; You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!!
:'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! 
:'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again!
:'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. 
:'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history!
:'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. 
:'''Bischoff''': You're history!
:'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired!

===December 14===
:''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]''
:'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it!
:'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him.
:'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, &quot;Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?&quot; He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something...
:''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!!

== 1999 ==
=== January 4===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here.
:'''Tony''': That's what we're all about.
:'''Bobby''': We're live!
:...
:'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction!
:'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game!
:'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, he has.
:''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]''
:'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here?
:'''Bobby''': This stinks.
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan!
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!

===October 11===

:'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven?
:'''Tony''': Yeah.
:'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend.

==2000==
===February 7===
:''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still &quot;The Man.&quot; I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, &quot;if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?&quot; Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life!

===April 10===
:''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]''
:'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!
:''[Eric Bischoff appears]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid &quot;Wished he was&quot; Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry.
:Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?
:'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs.
===July 15===
:''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this &quot;Viagra on a Pole&quot; Match.
:'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up.
===August 14===
:'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass!
===September 11===
:''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!'

==2001==
===March 19===
:''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]''
:'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. 
:But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a &quot;Night of Champions.&quot; By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a &quot;Title Vs Title&quot; match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. 
:Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you.

===March 26===
:''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]''
:'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, &quot;Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS&quot; - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, &quot;Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry&quot; because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW!

:We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are!

:We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]''
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? 
:'''Scott Hudson''': Yes.
:'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on!
:'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring!
:'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. 
:'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect.
:'''Schiavone''': It really is.
:'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport.
:'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TNT shows]]
[[Category:American sports TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Scientific method</title>
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      <text bytes="3128" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[W:scientific method|scientific method]]''' is an empirical method of acquiring knowledge that has characterized the development of science since at least the 17th century (with notable practitioners in previous centuries). It involves careful [[observation]], applying rigorous [[skepticism]] about what is observed, given that cognitive assumptions can distort how one interprets the observation. It involves formulating hypotheses, via induction, based on such observations; experimental and measurement-based testing of deductions drawn from the hypotheses; and refinement (or elimination) of the hypotheses based on the experimental findings. These are principles of the scientific method, as distinguished from a definitive series of steps applicable to all scientific enterprises. 
{{stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Until scientific inquiry came of age, human beings could not comprehend their relationship to the physical world, so they invented their own explanations. These explanations tended to be simplistic and in many cases, harmful. For example, if one knows a tidal wave is approaching and chooses to stay and pray for deliverance rather than leaving, this could be detrimental to his/her survival. People used to believe that plagues and diseases were retributions of an angry God, but the scientific method found that many diseases were carried by rats and lice, and caused by germs.&lt;br&gt;It is not that scientists are close-minded regarding these issues—it’s just that their acceptance of ideas requires more sophisticated standards and methods of inquiry.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

* The scientific method helps to diminish biases, prejudices, and preconceived notions. The method requires that statements be verified and that researchers find out through experimentation just what works and what doesn’t. Scientists ask the question “what do we have here?” and then they proceed to do experiments to determine the nature of the physical world. This process requires that experiments be verified by others who must get the same results. One of the major developments in science was the realization that we can not acquire answers to problems just intuitively. It requires painstaking laborious effort and time to find solutions and answers. Often many failures come before any new findings.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

==See also==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[Atoms]]
* [[Belief]]
* [[Chemistry]]
* [[Clairvoyance]]
* [[Consciousness]]
* [[Corruption]]
* [[Empiricism]]
* [[Energy]]
* [[Facts]]
* [[Greed]]
* [[History of science]]
* [[Inductive reasoning]]
* [[Energy]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Materialism]] 
*[[Mathematics]]
* [[Physics]]
* [[Progress]]
* [[Relationship between religion and science]]
* [[Reason]]
* [[Scientific theory]]
* [[Scientific Revolution]]
* [[Scientists]]
* [[Theory]]
* [[Unification in science and mathematics]]
{{col-end}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}} 
 
[[Category:Belief]]
[[Category:Science]]</text>
      <sha1>jxun3eqkhl2jjts70wf7n0efebrl2cf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150437</id>
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        <id>1714714</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="5060" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[W:scientific method|scientific method]]''' is an empirical method of acquiring knowledge that has characterized the development of science since at least the 17th century (with notable practitioners in previous centuries). It involves careful [[observation]], applying rigorous [[skepticism]] about what is observed, given that cognitive assumptions can distort how one interprets the observation. It involves formulating hypotheses, via induction, based on such observations; experimental and measurement-based testing of deductions drawn from the hypotheses; and refinement (or elimination) of the hypotheses based on the experimental findings. These are principles of the scientific method, as distinguished from a definitive series of steps applicable to all scientific enterprises. 
{{stub}}

== Quotes ==

* Until scientific inquiry came of age, human beings could not comprehend their relationship to the physical world, so they invented their own explanations. These explanations tended to be simplistic and in many cases, harmful. For example, if one knows a tidal wave is approaching and chooses to stay and pray for deliverance rather than leaving, this could be detrimental to his/her survival. People used to believe that plagues and diseases were retributions of an angry God, but the scientific method found that many diseases were carried by rats and lice, and caused by germs.&lt;br&gt;It is not that scientists are close-minded regarding these issues—it’s just that their acceptance of ideas requires more sophisticated standards and methods of inquiry.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

* The scientific method helps to diminish biases, prejudices, and preconceived notions. The method requires that statements be verified and that researchers find out through experimentation just what works and what doesn’t. Scientists ask the question “what do we have here?” and then they proceed to do experiments to determine the nature of the physical world. This process requires that experiments be verified by others who must get the same results. One of the major developments in science was the realization that we can not acquire answers to problems just intuitively. It requires painstaking laborious effort and time to find solutions and answers. Often many failures come before any new findings.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

* Now for the good news. The scientific method is nothing but a piece of rhetoric. Granted, that may not appear to be good news at first, but it actually is. The scientific method as rhetoric is far more complex, interesting, and revealing than it is as a direct reflection of the ways scientists work. Rhetoric is not just words; rather, “just” words are powerful tools to help shape perception, manage the flow of resources and authority, and make certain kinds of actions or beliefs possible or impossible. That’s particularly true of what Raymond Williams called “keywords.” A list of modern-day keywords include “family,” “race,” “freedom,” and “science.” Such words are familiar, repeated again and again until it seems that everyone must know what they mean. At the same time, scratch their surface, and their meanings become full of messiness, variation, and contradiction.&lt;br&gt;Sound familiar? Scientific method is a keyword (or phrase) that has helped generations of people make sense of what science was, even if there was no clear agreement about its precise meaning— especially if there was no clear agreement about its precise meaning. The term could roll off the tongue and be met by heads nodding in knowing assent, and yet there could be a different conception within each mind. As long as no one asked too many questions, the flexibility of the term could be a force of cohesion and a tool for inspiring action among groups. A word with too exact a definition is brittle; its use will be limited to specific circumstances. A word too loosely defined will create confusion and appear to say nothing. A word balanced just so between precision and vagueness can change the world.
** Daniel P. Thurs, &quot;Myth 26:That the Scientific Method Accurately Reflects What Scientists Actually Do&quot;, in Ronald L. Numbers, Kostas Kampourakis (ed.), ''Newton's Apple and Other Myths about Science'' (2015)

==See also==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[Atoms]]
* [[Belief]]
* [[Chemistry]]
* [[Clairvoyance]]
* [[Consciousness]]
* [[Corruption]]
* [[Empiricism]]
* [[Energy]]
* [[Facts]]
* [[Greed]]
* [[History of science]]
* [[Inductive reasoning]]
* [[Energy]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Materialism]] 
*[[Mathematics]]
* [[Physics]]
* [[Progress]]
* [[Relationship between religion and science]]
* [[Reason]]
* [[Scientific theory]]
* [[Scientific Revolution]]
* [[Scientists]]
* [[Theory]]
* [[Unification in science and mathematics]]
{{col-end}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}} 
 
[[Category:Belief]]
[[Category:Science]]</text>
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      <text bytes="7700" xml:space="preserve">The '''[[W:scientific method|scientific method]]''' is an empirical method of acquiring knowledge that has characterized the development of science since at least the 17th century (with notable practitioners in previous centuries). It involves careful [[observation]], applying rigorous [[skepticism]] about what is observed, given that cognitive assumptions can distort how one interprets the observation. It involves formulating hypotheses, via induction, based on such observations; experimental and measurement-based testing of deductions drawn from the hypotheses; and refinement (or elimination) of the hypotheses based on the experimental findings. These are principles of the scientific method, as distinguished from a definitive series of steps applicable to all scientific enterprises. 
{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* The scientific method does not exist. But “the scientific method” does. This is a distinction with a difference. Scientists will tell you that there is no single method that characterizes all that they do, much less a simple set of steps that binds everything called “science” together. Scientific labor is complex and diverse, brutally difficult and impossible to encapsulate. If you think you have found a unifying principle, no doubt it leaves out some important aspect of scientific thinking or excludes a branch of what we now call the sciences. In the unlikely event that it does not, then the principle is probably overly inclusive, capturing too many practices to mean much at all. And it is not just scientists who doubt whether such a method exists. Historians are skeptical of it as well—for good reason. One glance back at the history of science reveals even more diversity than exists today, making a single set of steps uniting all the sciences that much harder to imagine. Scientists and historians do not always agree, but they do on this: there is no such thing as the scientific method, and there never was. And yet, “the scientific method” is alive and well. The idea of a set of steps that justifies science’s authority has persisted in the face of constant denials of its existence. Why? Because “the scientific method” is a myth—and myths are powerful things. How we talk about science, how we account for its origins and argue for its results, instills mythical authority in some claims and invalidates others. The myth of “the scientific method” matters, even if (or perhaps, because) the reality it attests is ambiguous at best. Between the doubtful existence of the scientific method and the unquestionable power of “the scientific method,” a history remains to be told. Doing so means exploring how these two phenomena interact, how the way we talk about thinking has shaped the quiet, even tacit process of thinking itself. As the historian of science Steven Shapin has argued: “A practice without an attendant myth is likely to be weak, hard to justify, hard even to make visible as a distinct kind of activity.” If Shapin is right that we are now “dubious of claims that there is anything like ‘a scientific method’—a coherent, universal, and efficacious set of procedures for making scientific knowledge,” we must recognize the power that inheres in the myth of such a method and its complex relationship to how science is actually done.
** Henry M. Cowles, ''The Scientific Method: An Evolution of Thinking from Darwin to Dewey'' (2020), Chap. 1 : Age of Method

* Until scientific inquiry came of age, human beings could not comprehend their relationship to the physical world, so they invented their own explanations. These explanations tended to be simplistic and in many cases, harmful. For example, if one knows a tidal wave is approaching and chooses to stay and pray for deliverance rather than leaving, this could be detrimental to his/her survival. People used to believe that plagues and diseases were retributions of an angry God, but the scientific method found that many diseases were carried by rats and lice, and caused by germs.&lt;br&gt;It is not that scientists are close-minded regarding these issues—it’s just that their acceptance of ideas requires more sophisticated standards and methods of inquiry.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

* The scientific method helps to diminish biases, prejudices, and preconceived notions. The method requires that statements be verified and that researchers find out through experimentation just what works and what doesn’t. Scientists ask the question “what do we have here?” and then they proceed to do experiments to determine the nature of the physical world. This process requires that experiments be verified by others who must get the same results. One of the major developments in science was the realization that we can not acquire answers to problems just intuitively. It requires painstaking laborious effort and time to find solutions and answers. Often many failures come before any new findings.
** [[Jacque Fresco]], [https://www.thevenusproject.com/learn-more/free-e-books/ (2007), ''Designing the Future'']

* Now for the good news. The scientific method is nothing but a piece of rhetoric. Granted, that may not appear to be good news at first, but it actually is. The scientific method as rhetoric is far more complex, interesting, and revealing than it is as a direct reflection of the ways scientists work. Rhetoric is not just words; rather, “just” words are powerful tools to help shape perception, manage the flow of resources and authority, and make certain kinds of actions or beliefs possible or impossible. That’s particularly true of what Raymond Williams called “keywords.” A list of modern-day keywords include “family,” “race,” “freedom,” and “science.” Such words are familiar, repeated again and again until it seems that everyone must know what they mean. At the same time, scratch their surface, and their meanings become full of messiness, variation, and contradiction.&lt;br&gt;Sound familiar? Scientific method is a keyword (or phrase) that has helped generations of people make sense of what science was, even if there was no clear agreement about its precise meaning— especially if there was no clear agreement about its precise meaning. The term could roll off the tongue and be met by heads nodding in knowing assent, and yet there could be a different conception within each mind. As long as no one asked too many questions, the flexibility of the term could be a force of cohesion and a tool for inspiring action among groups. A word with too exact a definition is brittle; its use will be limited to specific circumstances. A word too loosely defined will create confusion and appear to say nothing. A word balanced just so between precision and vagueness can change the world.
** Daniel P. Thurs, &quot;Myth 26:That the Scientific Method Accurately Reflects What Scientists Actually Do&quot;, in Ronald L. Numbers, Kostas Kampourakis (ed.), ''Newton's Apple and Other Myths about Science'' (2015)

==See also==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[Atoms]]
* [[Belief]]
* [[Chemistry]]
* [[Clairvoyance]]
* [[Consciousness]]
* [[Corruption]]
* [[Empiricism]]
* [[Energy]]
* [[Facts]]
* [[Greed]]
* [[History of science]]
* [[Inductive reasoning]]
* [[Energy]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Materialism]] 
*[[Mathematics]]
* [[Physics]]
* [[Progress]]
* [[Relationship between religion and science]]
* [[Reason]]
* [[Scientific theory]]
* [[Scientific Revolution]]
* [[Scientists]]
* [[Theory]]
* [[Unification in science and mathematics]]
{{col-end}}

==External links==
{{wikipedia}} 
 
[[Category:Belief]]
[[Category:Science]]</text>
      <sha1>1bqegikcs35xe57kloh0rw8uobf9wnb</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Boy</title>
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      <text bytes="40510" xml:space="preserve">A '''[[w:boy|boy]]''' is a young [[male]] [[human]], usually [[child]] or [[adolescent]].

[[File:Bishounen Oranges.jpeg|thumb|O charming boy, trust not too much in thy beauty. ~ [[Virgil]]]]
[[File:Marie_Bashkirtseff_-_A_meeting_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb|Marie Bashkirtseff: ''A Meeting'']]
[[File:Firmin Baes - Les deux frères. 1924.jpg|thumb|Firmin Baes - ''Les deux frères'' (1924)]]
[[File:Mauch Twins.jpg|thumb|O glorious to be a human boy!...&lt;br /&gt;O running stream of sparkling joy&lt;br /&gt;To be a soaring human boy! ~ [[Charles Dickens]]]]
[[File:Boy hunter watches for birds coming.jpg|thumb|''Boys believe nothing can hurt them,'' his doubt whispered. ''Grown men know better.'' ~ [[George R. R. Martin|George R.R. Martin]]]]
[[File:Let_Others_Worry_(No._607)_by_Grace_Hudson,_1927.jpg|thumb|Grace Hudson, &quot;Let others worry&quot; (1927)]]
[[File:Egyptian Boy 4.jpg|thumb|I hope now that more people are questioning their assumptions about boys and pushing back against old-fashioned ideas about how we teach them to be men, our sons will have more latitude to explore who they want to be and what life they want to create. ~ Emma Brown]]
[[File:M60 A3 (7527994088).jpg|thumb|Individually they're okay, but if two of them get together, their combined IQ is halved, and if a third boy comes along it's halved ''again'', and so on, so that if you have, say, six of them, you're talking about the destructive force of a tank commanded by the brainpower of a Labrador retriever. They communicate with each other by slamming doors. They have the attention span of gnats. ~ [[Dave Barry]]]]
[[File:Nemoto Ken.JPG|thumb|Better build schoolrooms for &quot;the boy&quot;&lt;br&gt;Than cells and gibbets for &quot;the man.&quot; ~ [[Eliza Cook]]]]
[[File:Alvaromendoza3.jpg|thumb|Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]]
[[File:Andrew Classroom De La Salle University.jpeg|thumb|First and most important, most of the boys and a good number of the girls are thinking about the opposite sex most of the time. If you do not believe this, you are a dreamer. The only thing about a classroom more important to adolescent boys than whether girls are present is whether or not it is on fire. ~ [[George Gilder]]]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - Boy on a beach, 1901.jpg|thumb|I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy, playing on the sea shore, and diverting myself, in now and then finding a smoother pebble, or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. ~ [[Isaac Newton]]]]
[[File:Fork Union Military Academy.jpg|thumb|Every boy needs schooling in virtues in order to become a great man. ~ Meg Meeker]]
[[File:Turk and Russian, Greek and Jew are represented in this group of half a dozen little street gamins Two of them are the proud possessors of tops and pieces of string to spin them with. LCCN2010650581 (cropped).jpg|thumb|A group of street children in Constantinople in 1921]]
[[File:Fishing, kid, portrait, shore, water surface, summer, free time Fortepan 30937.jpg|thumb|Boys will search for virtue, just as they will search for truth and self-worth, because in the heart of a developing boy is the desire to know the truth, to know what is good, and to know that he has some reason to do the right thing. This is why boys are famous for setting out rules, standards of conduct for themselves. ~ Meg Meeker]]
[[File:Wilhelm von Gloeden Young male nude against wall 1890s.jpg|thumb|Wilhelm von Gloeden Young male nude against wall 1890s by Wilhelm van Gloeden]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-37350-0004, IX. FIFA-Jugendturnier, DDR-Jugend-Nationalmannschaft.jpg|thumb|Football players of East Germany's National Youth Team 4 April 1956]]
[[File:View of boys in the surf at Sebastian Inlet State Park- Melbourne Beach, Florida (3248152874).jpg|thumb|View of boys in the surf at Sebastian Inlet State Park- Melbourne Beach, Florida]]
[[File:Tuke The Bather (1924).jpg|thumb|As one ''Tatler'' critic recognized when praising Henry Scott Tuke as ''par excellence'' the painter of youth,&quot; the depiction of naked youths bathing or sitting on Cornish beaches looking contemplatively out to sea played an important part in Tuke's artistic success. However, these paintings elicited a range of different readings and conflicting interpretations from Tuke's viewers, some of which detected a sexualised approach on the artist's approach to the unclothed adolescent male body, while many others did not. ~ Cecile Robinson]]
[[File:Youssef Vodafone balkhair.jpg|thumb|Teenage boy in Egypt]]]
[[File:Tuke,_Henry_Scott_(1858%E2%80%931929)_-_1909_-_Two_boys_on_a_beach_(A_study_in_bright_sunlight).jpg|thumb|right|''Two boys on a beach'' by Henry Scott Tuke]]
[[File:Tuke,_Henry_Scott_(1858%E2%80%931929)_-_1911_-_Bathing_group_(Noonday_heat).jpg|thumb|right|''Bathing group (Noonday heat)'' by Henry Scott Tuke]]

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== A ==
== B ==

* I'll tell you what would ''really'' age me fast: if I had a teenaged daughter. I don't think I could handle that. Because that would mean teenaged boys would be coming around to my house. &quot;Hi, Mr. Barry!&quot; they'd say, with their cheerful, innocent young voices. &quot;We're here to have sex with your daughter!&quot; No, of course they wouldn't come out and ''say'' that, but I know that's what they'd be ''thinking'', because I was a teenaged boy once, and I was basically a walking hormone storm. I'm sure modern boys are no different. So if I had a teenaged daughter, and a boy came to my house, after somehow picking his way through the land mines in the lawn, I'd probably lunge through the screen door and strangle him right there (&quot;Hi, Mr. Barry! Is Jennifer heAAAAAAAWWWWK&quot;). You think I'm exaggerating, but I have male friends whose daughters are approaching puberty at speeds upwards of 700 miles per hour, and when you say the word &quot;dating,&quot; my friends get a look in their eyes that makes Charles Manson look like Captain Kangaroo. 
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 63

* So in some ways I'm relieved that I don't have daughters, although in other ways I envy people with daughters, because little girls tend to be thoughtful, whereas little boys tend to be- and I say this as a loving father who would not trade his son for anything in the world- jerks. I used to think this was society's fault. This was back in the idealistic sixties and seventies, when we Boomers had many excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Remember those days? Remember when we truly believed that if society treated boys and girls exactly the same, then they wouldn't be bound by sexual stereotypes, and the boys could grow up to be sensitive and the girls could grow up to be linebackers? Ha ha! Boy, were we ever idealistic! By which I mean &quot;stupid.&quot; Because when we look at actual children, no matter how they are raised, we notice immediately that little girls are in fact smaller versions of human beings, whereas little boys are Pod People from the Planet Destructo. I don't think society has anything to do with this. I think that if you had two desert islands, and you put girl babies on one island and boy babies on another island, and they were somehow able to survive with no help from adult society, eventually the girls would cooperate in collecting pieces of driftwood and using them to build shelters, whereas the boys would pretend that driftwood pieces were guns. (Yes, I realize they'd have no way of knowing what guns were. This would not stop them.) Not only that, but even if the island had 176,000 pieces of driftwood on it, the boys would all end up violently arguing over ''one'' of them.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 63-64

* I base my opinions on several years of working in an office located in a house with a large transient little-boy population. '''Individually they're okay, but if two of them get together, their combined IQ is halved, and if a third boy comes along it's halved ''again'', and so on, so that if you have, say, six of them, you're talking about the destructive force of a tank commanded by the brainpower of a Labrador retriever. They communicate with each other by slamming doors. They have the attention span of gnats.''' &quot;STOP SLAMMING THE DOORS!&quot; I'll yell at them. &quot;Okay!&quot; they'll reply (SLAM). They are so busy running around and arguing and breaking things and strewing random objects over every square inch of floor that they barely have time to pee, and they ''definitely'' don't have time to aim. They just race into the bathroom, let loose in any old random direction, and then race out again, because by God there are doors to be slammed.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 64-65

* It's hard to avoid falling into the stereotype-toy trap. When my son, Rob, was born, my philosophy was that he should have only politically correct, environmentally sound, gender-neutral toys, such as a spinning top carved out of nongendered wood or recycled tofu. Sincerely determined to purchase something along these lines when I went to the Toys &quot;R&quot; &quot;A&quot; Big Industry store, I am sincerely embarrassed to report that what I actually purchased was a radio-controlled tank. I couldn't help myself. This was a really ''neat'' tank. It had a working turret and real treads, so it could turn on a dime and climb right over various obstacles, such as books or pillows or my son, Rob, who, being a small infant with basically the same motor skills as a watermelon, was unable to operate this tank personally. So I had to operate it for him, which I did at every opportunity, because he seemed to enjoy it, as was indicated by the increase in his drool output. &lt;br&gt;This is also how I could tell that he liked the electric train. Thus we see that even sensitive and concerned parents such as myself can contribute to the guy-ization of a male infant. But I think it would happen anyway, because little boys just naturally seem to be crazy for power. For example, from early on, Rob loved big trucks. He loved them even before he could pronounce either &quot;big&quot; or &quot;truck.&quot; When he saw a big truck, he'd say something that sounded like &quot;bee fut.&quot; He said it a lot, because he was ''obsessed''. He only had eyes for trucks. We'd be in midtown Manhattan shortly before Christmas, walking beneath spectacular skyscrapers, past delightful animated store-window displays, with music playing everywhere and Santa Claus clanging his bell on every corner, and Rob's attention would be totally focused on: a garbage truck. &lt;br&gt;&quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd tell me, pointing at it. &quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd inform random pedestrians. &quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd state to the world in general, repeating it 1,753 times, in case any unfortunate person might be unaware of this amazing development. And I'd have to stand there in the cold for fifteen minutes, admiring this stinking, crud-encrusted hulk and agreeing over and over that, fut-wise, it was extremely bee.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 45-46

* So I suppose it was inevitable that Rob would be interested in power-and-dominance toys. But I want to stress, as a fundamentally nonviolent person who has never owned any form of weapon, that I did ''not'' buy him toy guns. I'm not saying he didn't ''have'' any toy guns; in fact, by the time he was four, he had enough toy guns to conquer a toy nation the size of France (Come to think of it, he probably could have conquered the ''real'' France). I don't know where they came from. They just appeared in my house, and in the houses of all my nonviolent, son-having friends. I think maybe the Gun Fairy finds out where little boys live and comes around at night, dressed in camouflage, scattering battery-operated Nuclear Death Rayguns everywhere. The TV cartoon shows aimed at little boys don't help, either. They're infested with characters who have biceps the size of prize-winning hogs and names like Commander Brock Gonad and His Hard Punchers of Justice.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 46-47

* My point here is that the toys marketed for boys, like the TV shows, tend to encourage the boys' already aggressive nature, which could be why boys spend so much time acting like what professional psychologists call &quot;jerks.&quot; Or it could be that boys are born with some kind of jerk gene, and the toy and TV people are merely cashing in on this. Whatever the cause, I know I spent a lot of time envying the parents of girls. I'd see a table of little girls, and they'd be eating and talking, just like miniature humans. Whereas my son and his friends seemed to have some kind of nervous-system linkage between their mouths and their hands, so that they could not chew without punching. Eating with them was as relaxing as amateur eyeball surgery. &quot;Stop punching,&quot; I'd say. They'd try to stop, sometimes succeeding for as long as .00014 seconds. Then the Punch Reflex would overwhelm their tiny mental circuits. &quot;Stop punching!&quot; I'd repeat. &quot;We're not punching!&quot; they'd say, punching. &quot;YOU ARE TOO PUNCHING!!&quot; I'd shout, spewing out pieces of semichewed hamburger. &quot;I CAN ''SEE'' YOU PUNCHING!! AND STOP BLOWING BUBBLES IN YOUR MILKSHAKES!! AND STOP SQUIRTING THE KETCHUP PACKETS AT EACH OTHER!! JUST EAT!!&quot; They'd look at me as though I were insane. Their feeling was, if you were only going to ''eat'', what was the point of going to a restaurant? &lt;br&gt;Then I'd look over at the table of little girls, who'd be chatting and thoughtfully passing each other the napkins, and I would wonder how we ever permitted ''my'' gender to get control of, for example, the government.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 52-53

* I feel lucky to be raising a boy now, in this moment. Boys today are on their way to learning a lesson that my generation was never really taught: that every person gets to decide whether they want to be touched or not. A whole army of children across the country are now growing up hearing parents and teachers tell them, over and over, that their bodies are their own. Yes, that means society will hold my son accountable for his sexual behavior in a way that earlier generations never had to deal with. But I don't see that as a loss. &lt;br&gt;I hope that the growing concern about sexual violence will be accompanied by real change: recognition that our sons need better sex education, earlier, as well as frank conversations about porn, consent, and handling rejection. And '''I hope now that more people are questioning their assumptions about boys and pushing back against old-fashioned ideas about how we teach them to be men, our sons will have more latitude to explore who they want to be and what life they want to create.'''
** Emma Brown, ''To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood'' (2021). New York: One Signal Publishers, p. 240

== C ==

* Speak roughly to your little boy,&lt;br /&gt;And beat him when he sneezes:&lt;br /&gt;He only does it to annoy,&lt;br /&gt;Because he knows it teases.
** [[Lewis Carroll]], ''[[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]]'' (1865)&lt;!--, ch. 6--&gt;

* '''Better build schoolrooms for &quot;the boy&quot;'''&lt;br /&gt;'''Than cells and gibbets for &quot;the man.&quot;'''
** [[Eliza Cook]], ''A Song for Ragged Schools'' (1853)

* Mad about the boy,&lt;br /&gt;It's pretty funny but I'm mad about the boy.&lt;br /&gt;He has a gay appeal&lt;br /&gt;That makes me feel&lt;br /&gt;There may be something sad about the boy.
** [[Noël Coward]], ''[[w:Mad about the Boy|Mad about the Boy]]'' (1932)

== D ==

* You are a human boy, my young friend. A human boy.&lt;br /&gt;'''O glorious to be a human boy!'''...&lt;br /&gt;'''O running stream of sparkling joy'''&lt;br /&gt;'''To be a soaring human boy!'''
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1853), Ch. 19.

== E ==

* The overall effect of Hitler Youth membership, some Social Democratic observers complained, was a ‘coarsening’ of the young. The suppression of any discussion or debate, the military discipline, the emphasis on physical prowess and competition, led boys to become violent and aggressive, especially towards young people who for whatever reason had not joined the Hitler Youth. Hitler Youth groups travelling by train amused themselves by insulting and threatening guards who failed to say ‘Hail, Hitler!’ every time they asked a passenger for his ticket. 
** [[Richard J. Evans]], ''The Third Reich in Power 1933-1939'' (2005), p. 280 

== F ==
== G ==

* '''Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching.'''
** Edgar Graham Gammon, 15th President of [[Hampden-Sydney College|Hampdeny-Sydney College]] (1939-1955), in a writing in 1903, when he was a student at Hampden-Sydney in the Class of 1905. As quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 431

* Let us begin with a few simple, crucial, and apparently unmentionable facts about a typical high school classroom. '''First and most important, most of the boys and a good number of the girls are thinking about the opposite sex most of the time. If you do not believe this, you are a dreamer. The only thing about a classroom more important to adolescent boys than whether girls are present is whether or not it is on fire.''' &lt;br&gt;Advocates of coeducation will tell you that the boys are learning to regard the girls as &quot;human beings&quot; rather than as sexual objects. These are the kinds of people who imagine that most males anywhere, under any circumstances- short of affliction by senility, homosexuality, or Bella Abzug- ever refrain from regarding females as sexual objects. These are the &quot;imaginative&quot; types of people who run our schools. They tend to think that their sexual interest in budding adolescent girls is their own secret perversion. It happens to be shared by the boys in the school (as well as by all the other male teachers).&lt;br&gt;If the educator is particularly creative and imaginative, he will suppose that these young &quot;human beings&quot; are learning a lot about life in their work together. What in fact the boys are learning is that unless they are exceptionally &quot;bright' and obedient, they will be exceeded in their studies by most of the girls. Unless you are imaginative, you will see that this is a further drag on their already faltering attention to Longfellow's ''Evangeline''. Clearly in a losing game in masculine terms, the boys react in two ways: They put on a show for the girls and dominate the class anyway, or they drop out. Enough of them eventually drop out, in fact, to disguise the otherwise decided statistical superiority of female performance in school. But they do not drop out soon enough to suit educators for whom aggressive boys are the leading problem in every high school.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 207-208

* Adolescent boys are radically different from adolescent girls. The boys, for example, are at the pinnacle of sexual desire and aggressiveness. In school, what they chiefly need is male discipline and challenge, ideally without girls present to distract them. Girls, on the other hand, are less aggressive and sexually compulsive at this stage and are more willing to study without rigid policing and supervision. Thus a classroom that contains both boys and girls will hurt both. The boys will be excelled and demoralized by the girls; the girls will be distracted and demoralized by the boys. Both sexes will be damaged by the continuous policing that the rebellious and unsuccessful boys require. &lt;br&gt;There are benefits to coeducation, however. It allows our educational system to avoid &quot;sexism,&quot; reduce costs, and get rid of rambunctious lower-class males. It conditions a good many boys to compete with women on female terms. The classroom successes of these &quot;grinds&quot; and &quot;apple-polishers&quot; are somewhat tarnished after school or in the men's room, when they are brutally harassed by gangs of unsuccessful male students. But what happens after school- or in the men's room, God forbid- is of little concern to the school management. The only after-school that interests them is college admissions.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 208-209

* Coeducation also allows educators to avoid the problem of finding new ways to meet the sexual identity crises of most schoolboys. As Patricia Cayo Sexton has elaborately documented, it is the most &quot;feminine&quot; boys, by every index, who tend to excel in school. Obedient and submissive in the classroom, their aggressions emerge fitfully in other areas. They raise hell on college campuses, for example. Otherwise they masturbate incessantly, worry about it even more than about their grades, and generally turn their energies inward where they can cause serious distortions of character. Homosexuality and violence are frequent outlets, drugs a frequent pallative. But they ''do'' do well in school. &lt;br&gt;Surprisingly to imaginative educators, these types have less trouble in all-male institutions. Contrary to the widespread notion, homosexuality is evident neither at prep schools nor at parochial schools. Boys with masculinity problems are reinforced by an all-male environment, while less competent though virile students are not so estranged from education by their failures. Competition with females is destructive to males in any arena, but nowhere is it so damaging as among impressionable adolescents preoccupied with their intense but inchoate sexuality.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 209

* As Anita and I travel about the country, we can't help but believe the sexes are getting closer together. There's not as much difference between boys and girls as there used to be. Many young men today seem to have abandoned the male role. They refuse to be heads of households. I don't think a serious young woman should marry someone like that because I don't think she's going to change him. It's frightening. I don't know if physical appearance or mode of attire or these things make the difference, but it seems guys are more docile. They're almost feminine in manner and dress, and their attitudes toward girls are very lackadaisical and ungallant.
** Bob Green, ''Bless This House'' (1972) by [[Anita Bryant]] and Bob Green. Old Tappan: Fleming H. Revell Company, p. 141-142

* A good many girls these days assume the male role and call boys for dates. I have a nagging feeling that boys are going to get less and less interested in girls as a result. The intrigue is going. If a girl wants to put herself on an equal plane with the boy, she's going to find herself less and less in demand. It used to be that if guys wanted to date a sharp girl they had to polish the car and fix themselves up- and compete. If they don't have to do that, they're going to lose interest. Maybe girls phone boys from necessity. Maybe the boys don't have that get-up-and-go- that desire. I see an extreme lack of desire in young men today.
** Bob Green, ''Bless This House'' (1972) by [[Anita Bryant]] and Bob Green. Old Tappan: Fleming H. Revell Company, p. 142

== H ==

* ''Huc venite iuvenes ut exeatis viri'' &lt;br&gt;&quot;Come Here As Youths So You may Leave As Men&quot;
** Motto of [[Hampden-Sydney College]]

* Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other, and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 100

* When boys go first to bed,&lt;br /&gt;They step into their voluntary graves.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Mortification'' (1633)

* ''Virginibus puerisque canto.''
** I sing for maidens and boys.
** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4.

* When you can't do anything else to a boy, you can make him wash his face.
** [[E. W. Howe‎]], ''Travel Letters from New Zealand, Australia and Africa'' (1913), p. 120

== I ==
== J ==
== K ==

* Gender: The social characteristic that we are taught to align with our prescribed sex (i.e., the belief that boys are aggressive.
** Michael Kimmel and The Stony Book Sexualities Research Group (editors), ''Sexualities: Identities, Behaviors, and Society'' (2004), 2nd Edition (2015), p. 681

== L ==

* As for gender, the abstinence-only curricula continue to exhibit what Michelle Fine described a decade ago: the peer doing the pressuring is male; the refuser-delayer is female. Some mainstream publishers set out to fix this in the 1990s. &quot;Reducing the Risk,&quot; for instance, employs a novel approach: it names one of its fictional couples Lee and Lee, who evince no obvious gender traits and take turns aggressing and thwarting aggression. In Lee and Lee, the ideology of chastity has trumped women's liberation. Now, boys are expected to desire as little as girls.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 93 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* In school, perhaps more than at home (which is why parents are sometimes appalled when they catch their kids unawares among their friends), both masculinity and femininity are narrow balancing beams, easy to tumble off. Girls must appear amenable to sex but not too amenable. If a girl is standoffish or proud, she is a &quot;bitch.&quot; But if she talks too dirty or behaves too lasciviously, she's a &quot;slut&quot; or a &quot;ho.&quot; A boy who does the latter is admired as a &quot;player.&quot; If he does the latter toward girls, that is. Because if a boy is shy or insufficiently enthusiastic about, say, discussing the size of a classmate's breasts, he can find himself ostracized as a &quot;faggot.&quot; Masculinity is policed chiefly by boys against other boys, and homophobia is its billy club.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 155-156 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* The Australian sociologist Bob Connell has pointed out that masculine and feminine styles differ from school to school and among social classes, races or ethnic groups. Michael Reichert, a Pennsylvania sociologist whose work on boys has taken him to both Philadelphia housing projects and to an elite suburban boys' prep school, noted, for instance, that a working-class boy might assert his dominance by beating up another kid, whereas an upper-class boy would do the deed verbally, with sarcasm (verbal &quot;dissing,&quot; of course, is a high art of hip-hop as well.)
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 156 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* Teens even tend to stick to gender roles when they dissemble about sex. &quot;Three times more junior high school boys than girls say they have had sex, at an earlier age and with more partners. What does this mean?&quot; asked sociologist Mike Males. &quot;Are a few girls really getting around? Are boys having sex with aliens? Each other?&quot; (In his incredulity that the last could happen, Males isn't unlike the kids he's talking about.) Another study found that when kids lied, boys tended to state falsely that they had had sex, whereas girls said they were virgins.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 156-157 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

== M ==

* '''''Boys believe nothing can hurt them,'' his doubt whispered. ''Grown men know better.'''''
** [[George R. R. Martin]], ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Theon (I)—Theon Greyjoy

* What boy does not wish to find secret powers hidden in himself?
** [[George R. R. Martin]], ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Bran (IV)–Maester Luwin

* Sadly for all of us, our culture does little to encourage boys to become great men. Television depicts men as stupid, or as sex addicts, and almost always intellectually and emotionally shallow. Men don't seem to care about these depictions, merely laughing them off. But I care about them, because our sons need good role models and given the amount of time boys spend with electronic media they need good role models on television. And of course, there is a bigger cultural fallout from the depreciation of masculinity and fatherhood, which is lower marriage rates, higher divorce rates, and the reality that many boys grow up in fatherless homes. &lt;br&gt;This is a national tragedy, because boys need healthy encouragement from their fathers more than they need it from anyone else. In a boy's eyes, his father's words are sacred. They hold enormous power. His words can crush a boy or piece him back together after a fall. If a father is not there at all, there is a huge void in a boy's life- and as the depressing statistics remind us, boys who grow up without fathers are at a dramatically greater risk of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, and ending up in prison. &lt;br&gt;Encouragement from a father changes a boy's life. His words can ignite furious passion in a boy that will help him achieve any goal he sets out to accomplish. To a son, a dad's words are the final truth. If they are positive, a boy feels that he cannot be beaten; if they are negative, however, a son feels that he could never win. If you are a son reading this, you know exactly what I mean.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 92-93

* '''Every boy needs schooling in virtues in order to become a great man.''' And any parent can school him because at the heart of virtue is masculine intuition. Parents don't have to construct the virtues and then pour then into the heart of their son. The virtues are there, but in small fragments that must be cleaned, shaped, and polished. The great burden for parents is finding time. Haste is the enemy of virtue, because it gives us no time to discuss, think, wonder, or pray; it forces us to push our boys to perform when we should be working with them. Give time back to your son. Give him time to dream. Encourage him to question and to think. Boys must have time to think upon virtues before they embrace them. Otherwise, virtues become nothing more than a disposable outer layer of clothing. A man can put them on or off, depending on his mood. But real virtues are not so disposable- they become part of the boy.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 204-205

* '''Boys will search for virtue, just as they will search for truth and self-worth, because in the heart of a developing boy is the desire to know the truth, to know what is good, and to know that he has some reason to do the right thing. This is why boys are famous for setting out rules, standards of conduct for themselves.''' They derive their moral code from those they admire (usually their parents). Once a boy sets out his rules, he holds them as the best and highest way a boy (himself) should behave. If a boy succeeds in following his code of conduct, he's able to respect himself, and he believes others will respect him as well. Respect and honor are important to boys (and men). &lt;br&gt;At the top of most lists of good behavior is honesty. Boys are keenly attuned to honesty in those around them. And they feel it immediately when people around them sway from it. If a boy has a strong conscience, his eyebrows, nostrils, hairline, and mouth will all betray him if he tries to lie, because he will know he is breaking the code of conduct. Boys consider honesty a masculine quality, so to betray it is to be less of a man. Heroes, in a boy's eyes, are deserving of honor because they stand for what is right and just, and what is right and just is honesty. Living honestly feels better to boys than living with deception, even if that deception is meant to get them what they want. Boys like feeling strong and courageous, and telling the truth demands strength and honesty. Lying feels grungy. Lying makes boys fearful because they know it is a weakness. The liar is someone who is afraid of the truth.&lt;br&gt;This is why boys are so open to being trained to tell the truth. They know that if you teach them to be truth tellers, you're teaching them to be strong. They know good boys, internally strong boys, tell the truth; wishy-washy boys lie. No one needs to tell them this; they know it. &lt;br&gt;So in teaching honesty you have a ready audience. Don't blow it by encouraging your son to tell white lies- even if they're well intentioned. Young boys think in black-and-white terms. A statement is either true or it is false. The younger the boy, the less gray he feels in his thinking. When a parent coaxes him to tell &quot;white lies&quot; he is confused. The term is an oxymoron. In order to accommodate his parents' wishes, he puts lies into the pool of acceptable speech. Beginning such ambiguous training so early on in life leads boys down a slippery path.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 205-206

== N ==

* No one has the right to make a boy learn Latin, because learning is a matter for individual choice; but if in a Latin class, a boy fools all the time, the class should throw him out, because he interferes with the freedom of others.
** [[A. S. Neill]], ''Summerhill'' (1960)

* '''I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy, playing on the sea shore, and diverting myself, in now and then finding a smoother pebble, or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.'''
** [[Isaac Newton]], just before his death, as quoted in ''The Annual Review, and History of Literature for 1806'', Vol. V (&lt;!--London, --&gt;1807), Ch. 14, Art. XIV (''Memoirs of Sir Isaac Newton'' by Edmund Turnor), p. 471

== O ==
== P ==
== Q ==
== R ==

* To date, there are still very few published discussions of young boys' constructions of masculinity that unpack the heteronormativity in which it is produced. While some of the primary-school studies have explored how homophobic cultures operate to marginalize boys who are alternatively masculine and thus &quot;feminized&quot; and &quot;homosexualized&quot; via various forms of name-calling (Thorne 1993; Boldt 1996; Redman 1996; Renold 2002b, 2004), very little research attention has focused on the diversity and ambiguity of boys' heterosexual cultures.
** Emma Renold, &quot;Primary School 'Studs': (De)constructing Young Boys' Heterosexual Masculinities&quot;, reprinted from ''Men and Masculinities'', Volume 9, Number 3 (2007), 275-297 in ''Sexualities: Identities, Behaviors, and Society'' (2004), 2nd Edition (2015) by Michael Kimmel and The Stony Book Sexualities Research Group (editors), p. 79

* Tuke's repeated portrayal of boys and male adolescents provokes challenging questions about the depiction, exhibition and reception of the body- especially the young body- both then and now. Imagine the artist out on his boat in Falmouth harbour painting his nude boy-models, perhaps in preparation for ''Bathers'' (1888-9), a picture that reappears as a point of interest throughout this book. Consider this in a twenty-first-century context and you might start to ask some questions. Firstly, where are their life jackets? You might also question the relationship between artist and model. Is he supposed to be responsible for them? Do their parents know? Attitudes toward the care and safeguarding of people, children and adolescents in particular, have fundamentally shifted since Tuke's day. I do not mean to suggest that Tuke's models were unsafe or uncared for (interviews in the ''Reminiscences'' are to the contrary) but that societal codes of behavior have changed considerably, not least in relation to nude sea-bathing, which was becoming increasingly contentious even within Tuke's lifetime. The boundaries between what is considered innocent, acceptable, erotic or even sexually explicit- in terms of behavior, language, or imagery- have shifted considerably over time, and Tuke's art draws attention to some of those historical changes.
** Cicely Robinson (editor), ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 14

* As one ''Tatler'' critic recognized when praising Henry Scott Tuke as ''par excellence'' the painter of youth,&quot; the depiction of naked youths bathing or sitting on Cornish beaches looking contemplatively out to sea played an important part in Tuke's artistic success. However, these paintings elicited a range of different readings and conflicting interpretations from Tuke's viewers, some of which detected a sexualised approach on the artist's approach to the unclothed adolescent male body, while many others did not.
** Cicely Robinson (editor), ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 75

* Examining the physical attributes, poses, and symbolism of the naked youths that modelled for Tuke and were depicted in his key works, I argue that certain iconographic references and pictorial correspondences were familiar to some of Tuke's viewers. This would have been due to their knowledge of classical precedents for representing the youthful male nude and through their exposure to erotic photographic images of naked youths in the open air that encouraged them to infer sexual intent. Yet for other audiences, these sexualised associatins remained elusive, as they approached the subject of youthful male nudes in landscape settings differently through the conventions of English pastoralism or by seeing the work as making reference to an updated visual language of neoclassicism gaining currency and critical support in British art from the 1860s onwards.
** Cicely Robinson, ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 75

* Famously, the models all said in later life that Tuke never exploited them or made untoward suggestions; unlike his friend Charles Masson Fox, Tyke was never accused of sexual impropriety in his relations with boys and young men.
** Cicely Robinson, ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 131

* Boys and girls should be taught respect for each other's liberty; they should be made to feel that nothing gives one human being rights over another, and that jealousy and possessiveness kill love.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''What I Believe'' (1925)

* I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: &quot;The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair.&quot; In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Education and the Social Order'' (1932), p. 31

== S ==

* Make the boy interested in natural history if you can; it is better than games.
** [[Robert Falcon Scott]], last letter to his wife, quoted in ''Scott's Last Expedition'', Vol. I (1913), Ch. 20

== T ==

* The senshi are very sexy, and boys like it. In Japan, moreover, boys are quite weak and they search for a strong partner. They want to be dominated, and the senshi are ready to do it. 
* Maybe what a lot of authors don't understand is the masochistic component of boys. They write love stories that are now outdated. 
:* Naoko Takeuchi [http://www.kicie.net/realm/naoko.htm]

== U ==
== V ==

* ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.''
** '''O charming boy, trust not too much in thy beauty.'''
** [[Virgil]], ''Eclogues ''(37 BC), Book II, line 17.

* ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.''
** '''[[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]].'''
** [[Virgil]], ''Aeneid ''(29–19 BC), Book IX, line 641.

== W ==
== X ==
== Y ==
== Z ==

[[Category:Themes]]
[[Category:Gender]]
[[Category:Men| ]]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
 {{Wiktionary}}</text>
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      <text bytes="40552" xml:space="preserve">A '''[[w:boy|boy]]''' is a young [[male]] [[human]], usually [[child]] or [[adolescent]].

[[File:Bishounen Oranges.jpeg|thumb|O charming boy, trust not too much in thy beauty. ~ [[Virgil]]]]
[[File:Marie_Bashkirtseff_-_A_meeting_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb|Marie Bashkirtseff: ''A Meeting'']]
[[File:Firmin Baes - Les deux frères. 1924.jpg|thumb|Firmin Baes - ''Les deux frères'' (1924)]]
[[File:Mauch Twins.jpg|thumb|O glorious to be a human boy!...&lt;br /&gt;O running stream of sparkling joy&lt;br /&gt;To be a soaring human boy! ~ [[Charles Dickens]]]]
[[File:Boy hunter watches for birds coming.jpg|thumb|''Boys believe nothing can hurt them,'' his doubt whispered. ''Grown men know better.'' ~ [[George R. R. Martin|George R.R. Martin]]]]
[[File:Let_Others_Worry_(No._607)_by_Grace_Hudson,_1927.jpg|thumb|Grace Hudson, &quot;Let others worry&quot; (1927)]]
[[File:Egyptian Boy 4.jpg|thumb|I hope now that more people are questioning their assumptions about boys and pushing back against old-fashioned ideas about how we teach them to be men, our sons will have more latitude to explore who they want to be and what life they want to create. ~ Emma Brown]]
[[File:M60 A3 (7527994088).jpg|thumb|Individually they're okay, but if two of them get together, their combined IQ is halved, and if a third boy comes along it's halved ''again'', and so on, so that if you have, say, six of them, you're talking about the destructive force of a tank commanded by the brainpower of a Labrador retriever. They communicate with each other by slamming doors. They have the attention span of gnats. ~ [[Dave Barry]]]]
[[File:Nemoto Ken.JPG|thumb|Better build schoolrooms for &quot;the boy&quot;&lt;br&gt;Than cells and gibbets for &quot;the man.&quot; ~ [[Eliza Cook]]]]
[[File:Alvaromendoza3.jpg|thumb|Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]]
[[File:Andrew Classroom De La Salle University.jpeg|thumb|First and most important, most of the boys and a good number of the girls are thinking about the opposite sex most of the time. If you do not believe this, you are a dreamer. The only thing about a classroom more important to adolescent boys than whether girls are present is whether or not it is on fire. ~ [[George Gilder]]]]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-37350-0004, IX. FIFA-Jugendturnier, DDR-Jugend-Nationalmannschaft.jpg|thumb|Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other. ~ [[Harold Keith]]]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - Boy on a beach, 1901.jpg|thumb|I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy, playing on the sea shore, and diverting myself, in now and then finding a smoother pebble, or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. ~ [[Isaac Newton]]]]
[[File:Fork Union Military Academy.jpg|thumb|Every boy needs schooling in virtues in order to become a great man. ~ Meg Meeker]]
[[File:Turk and Russian, Greek and Jew are represented in this group of half a dozen little street gamins Two of them are the proud possessors of tops and pieces of string to spin them with. LCCN2010650581 (cropped).jpg|thumb|A group of street children in Constantinople in 1921]]
[[File:Fishing, kid, portrait, shore, water surface, summer, free time Fortepan 30937.jpg|thumb|Boys will search for virtue, just as they will search for truth and self-worth, because in the heart of a developing boy is the desire to know the truth, to know what is good, and to know that he has some reason to do the right thing. This is why boys are famous for setting out rules, standards of conduct for themselves. ~ Meg Meeker]]
[[File:Wilhelm von Gloeden Young male nude against wall 1890s.jpg|thumb|Wilhelm von Gloeden Young male nude against wall 1890s by Wilhelm van Gloeden]]
[[File:View of boys in the surf at Sebastian Inlet State Park- Melbourne Beach, Florida (3248152874).jpg|thumb|View of boys in the surf at Sebastian Inlet State Park- Melbourne Beach, Florida]]
[[File:Tuke The Bather (1924).jpg|thumb|As one ''Tatler'' critic recognized when praising Henry Scott Tuke as ''par excellence'' the painter of youth,&quot; the depiction of naked youths bathing or sitting on Cornish beaches looking contemplatively out to sea played an important part in Tuke's artistic success. However, these paintings elicited a range of different readings and conflicting interpretations from Tuke's viewers, some of which detected a sexualised approach on the artist's approach to the unclothed adolescent male body, while many others did not. ~ Cecile Robinson]]
[[File:Youssef Vodafone balkhair.jpg|thumb|Teenage boy in Egypt]]]
[[File:Tuke,_Henry_Scott_(1858%E2%80%931929)_-_1909_-_Two_boys_on_a_beach_(A_study_in_bright_sunlight).jpg|thumb|right|''Two boys on a beach'' by Henry Scott Tuke]]
[[File:Tuke,_Henry_Scott_(1858%E2%80%931929)_-_1911_-_Bathing_group_(Noonday_heat).jpg|thumb|right|''Bathing group (Noonday heat)'' by Henry Scott Tuke]]

__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== A ==
== B ==

* I'll tell you what would ''really'' age me fast: if I had a teenaged daughter. I don't think I could handle that. Because that would mean teenaged boys would be coming around to my house. &quot;Hi, Mr. Barry!&quot; they'd say, with their cheerful, innocent young voices. &quot;We're here to have sex with your daughter!&quot; No, of course they wouldn't come out and ''say'' that, but I know that's what they'd be ''thinking'', because I was a teenaged boy once, and I was basically a walking hormone storm. I'm sure modern boys are no different. So if I had a teenaged daughter, and a boy came to my house, after somehow picking his way through the land mines in the lawn, I'd probably lunge through the screen door and strangle him right there (&quot;Hi, Mr. Barry! Is Jennifer heAAAAAAAWWWWK&quot;). You think I'm exaggerating, but I have male friends whose daughters are approaching puberty at speeds upwards of 700 miles per hour, and when you say the word &quot;dating,&quot; my friends get a look in their eyes that makes Charles Manson look like Captain Kangaroo. 
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 63

* So in some ways I'm relieved that I don't have daughters, although in other ways I envy people with daughters, because little girls tend to be thoughtful, whereas little boys tend to be- and I say this as a loving father who would not trade his son for anything in the world- jerks. I used to think this was society's fault. This was back in the idealistic sixties and seventies, when we Boomers had many excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Remember those days? Remember when we truly believed that if society treated boys and girls exactly the same, then they wouldn't be bound by sexual stereotypes, and the boys could grow up to be sensitive and the girls could grow up to be linebackers? Ha ha! Boy, were we ever idealistic! By which I mean &quot;stupid.&quot; Because when we look at actual children, no matter how they are raised, we notice immediately that little girls are in fact smaller versions of human beings, whereas little boys are Pod People from the Planet Destructo. I don't think society has anything to do with this. I think that if you had two desert islands, and you put girl babies on one island and boy babies on another island, and they were somehow able to survive with no help from adult society, eventually the girls would cooperate in collecting pieces of driftwood and using them to build shelters, whereas the boys would pretend that driftwood pieces were guns. (Yes, I realize they'd have no way of knowing what guns were. This would not stop them.) Not only that, but even if the island had 176,000 pieces of driftwood on it, the boys would all end up violently arguing over ''one'' of them.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 63-64

* I base my opinions on several years of working in an office located in a house with a large transient little-boy population. '''Individually they're okay, but if two of them get together, their combined IQ is halved, and if a third boy comes along it's halved ''again'', and so on, so that if you have, say, six of them, you're talking about the destructive force of a tank commanded by the brainpower of a Labrador retriever. They communicate with each other by slamming doors. They have the attention span of gnats.''' &quot;STOP SLAMMING THE DOORS!&quot; I'll yell at them. &quot;Okay!&quot; they'll reply (SLAM). They are so busy running around and arguing and breaking things and strewing random objects over every square inch of floor that they barely have time to pee, and they ''definitely'' don't have time to aim. They just race into the bathroom, let loose in any old random direction, and then race out again, because by God there are doors to be slammed.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry Turns 40'' (1990). New York: Crown Publishers, p. 64-65

* It's hard to avoid falling into the stereotype-toy trap. When my son, Rob, was born, my philosophy was that he should have only politically correct, environmentally sound, gender-neutral toys, such as a spinning top carved out of nongendered wood or recycled tofu. Sincerely determined to purchase something along these lines when I went to the Toys &quot;R&quot; &quot;A&quot; Big Industry store, I am sincerely embarrassed to report that what I actually purchased was a radio-controlled tank. I couldn't help myself. This was a really ''neat'' tank. It had a working turret and real treads, so it could turn on a dime and climb right over various obstacles, such as books or pillows or my son, Rob, who, being a small infant with basically the same motor skills as a watermelon, was unable to operate this tank personally. So I had to operate it for him, which I did at every opportunity, because he seemed to enjoy it, as was indicated by the increase in his drool output. &lt;br&gt;This is also how I could tell that he liked the electric train. Thus we see that even sensitive and concerned parents such as myself can contribute to the guy-ization of a male infant. But I think it would happen anyway, because little boys just naturally seem to be crazy for power. For example, from early on, Rob loved big trucks. He loved them even before he could pronounce either &quot;big&quot; or &quot;truck.&quot; When he saw a big truck, he'd say something that sounded like &quot;bee fut.&quot; He said it a lot, because he was ''obsessed''. He only had eyes for trucks. We'd be in midtown Manhattan shortly before Christmas, walking beneath spectacular skyscrapers, past delightful animated store-window displays, with music playing everywhere and Santa Claus clanging his bell on every corner, and Rob's attention would be totally focused on: a garbage truck. &lt;br&gt;&quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd tell me, pointing at it. &quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd inform random pedestrians. &quot;Bee fut!&quot; he'd state to the world in general, repeating it 1,753 times, in case any unfortunate person might be unaware of this amazing development. And I'd have to stand there in the cold for fifteen minutes, admiring this stinking, crud-encrusted hulk and agreeing over and over that, fut-wise, it was extremely bee.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 45-46

* So I suppose it was inevitable that Rob would be interested in power-and-dominance toys. But I want to stress, as a fundamentally nonviolent person who has never owned any form of weapon, that I did ''not'' buy him toy guns. I'm not saying he didn't ''have'' any toy guns; in fact, by the time he was four, he had enough toy guns to conquer a toy nation the size of France (Come to think of it, he probably could have conquered the ''real'' France). I don't know where they came from. They just appeared in my house, and in the houses of all my nonviolent, son-having friends. I think maybe the Gun Fairy finds out where little boys live and comes around at night, dressed in camouflage, scattering battery-operated Nuclear Death Rayguns everywhere. The TV cartoon shows aimed at little boys don't help, either. They're infested with characters who have biceps the size of prize-winning hogs and names like Commander Brock Gonad and His Hard Punchers of Justice.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 46-47

* My point here is that the toys marketed for boys, like the TV shows, tend to encourage the boys' already aggressive nature, which could be why boys spend so much time acting like what professional psychologists call &quot;jerks.&quot; Or it could be that boys are born with some kind of jerk gene, and the toy and TV people are merely cashing in on this. Whatever the cause, I know I spent a lot of time envying the parents of girls. I'd see a table of little girls, and they'd be eating and talking, just like miniature humans. Whereas my son and his friends seemed to have some kind of nervous-system linkage between their mouths and their hands, so that they could not chew without punching. Eating with them was as relaxing as amateur eyeball surgery. &quot;Stop punching,&quot; I'd say. They'd try to stop, sometimes succeeding for as long as .00014 seconds. Then the Punch Reflex would overwhelm their tiny mental circuits. &quot;Stop punching!&quot; I'd repeat. &quot;We're not punching!&quot; they'd say, punching. &quot;YOU ARE TOO PUNCHING!!&quot; I'd shout, spewing out pieces of semichewed hamburger. &quot;I CAN ''SEE'' YOU PUNCHING!! AND STOP BLOWING BUBBLES IN YOUR MILKSHAKES!! AND STOP SQUIRTING THE KETCHUP PACKETS AT EACH OTHER!! JUST EAT!!&quot; They'd look at me as though I were insane. Their feeling was, if you were only going to ''eat'', what was the point of going to a restaurant? &lt;br&gt;Then I'd look over at the table of little girls, who'd be chatting and thoughtfully passing each other the napkins, and I would wonder how we ever permitted ''my'' gender to get control of, for example, the government.
** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book'' (1995). New York: Random House, p. 52-53

* I feel lucky to be raising a boy now, in this moment. Boys today are on their way to learning a lesson that my generation was never really taught: that every person gets to decide whether they want to be touched or not. A whole army of children across the country are now growing up hearing parents and teachers tell them, over and over, that their bodies are their own. Yes, that means society will hold my son accountable for his sexual behavior in a way that earlier generations never had to deal with. But I don't see that as a loss. &lt;br&gt;I hope that the growing concern about sexual violence will be accompanied by real change: recognition that our sons need better sex education, earlier, as well as frank conversations about porn, consent, and handling rejection. And '''I hope now that more people are questioning their assumptions about boys and pushing back against old-fashioned ideas about how we teach them to be men, our sons will have more latitude to explore who they want to be and what life they want to create.'''
** Emma Brown, ''To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood'' (2021). New York: One Signal Publishers, p. 240

== C ==

* Speak roughly to your little boy,&lt;br /&gt;And beat him when he sneezes:&lt;br /&gt;He only does it to annoy,&lt;br /&gt;Because he knows it teases.
** [[Lewis Carroll]], ''[[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]]'' (1865)&lt;!--, ch. 6--&gt;

* '''Better build schoolrooms for &quot;the boy&quot;'''&lt;br /&gt;'''Than cells and gibbets for &quot;the man.&quot;'''
** [[Eliza Cook]], ''A Song for Ragged Schools'' (1853)

* Mad about the boy,&lt;br /&gt;It's pretty funny but I'm mad about the boy.&lt;br /&gt;He has a gay appeal&lt;br /&gt;That makes me feel&lt;br /&gt;There may be something sad about the boy.
** [[Noël Coward]], ''[[w:Mad about the Boy|Mad about the Boy]]'' (1932)

== D ==

* You are a human boy, my young friend. A human boy.&lt;br /&gt;'''O glorious to be a human boy!'''...&lt;br /&gt;'''O running stream of sparkling joy'''&lt;br /&gt;'''To be a soaring human boy!'''
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1853), Ch. 19.

== E ==

* The overall effect of Hitler Youth membership, some Social Democratic observers complained, was a ‘coarsening’ of the young. The suppression of any discussion or debate, the military discipline, the emphasis on physical prowess and competition, led boys to become violent and aggressive, especially towards young people who for whatever reason had not joined the Hitler Youth. Hitler Youth groups travelling by train amused themselves by insulting and threatening guards who failed to say ‘Hail, Hitler!’ every time they asked a passenger for his ticket. 
** [[Richard J. Evans]], ''The Third Reich in Power 1933-1939'' (2005), p. 280 

== F ==
== G ==

* '''Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching.'''
** Edgar Graham Gammon, 15th President of [[Hampden-Sydney College|Hampdeny-Sydney College]] (1939-1955), in a writing in 1903, when he was a student at Hampden-Sydney in the Class of 1905. As quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 431

* Let us begin with a few simple, crucial, and apparently unmentionable facts about a typical high school classroom. '''First and most important, most of the boys and a good number of the girls are thinking about the opposite sex most of the time. If you do not believe this, you are a dreamer. The only thing about a classroom more important to adolescent boys than whether girls are present is whether or not it is on fire.''' &lt;br&gt;Advocates of coeducation will tell you that the boys are learning to regard the girls as &quot;human beings&quot; rather than as sexual objects. These are the kinds of people who imagine that most males anywhere, under any circumstances- short of affliction by senility, homosexuality, or Bella Abzug- ever refrain from regarding females as sexual objects. These are the &quot;imaginative&quot; types of people who run our schools. They tend to think that their sexual interest in budding adolescent girls is their own secret perversion. It happens to be shared by the boys in the school (as well as by all the other male teachers).&lt;br&gt;If the educator is particularly creative and imaginative, he will suppose that these young &quot;human beings&quot; are learning a lot about life in their work together. What in fact the boys are learning is that unless they are exceptionally &quot;bright' and obedient, they will be exceeded in their studies by most of the girls. Unless you are imaginative, you will see that this is a further drag on their already faltering attention to Longfellow's ''Evangeline''. Clearly in a losing game in masculine terms, the boys react in two ways: They put on a show for the girls and dominate the class anyway, or they drop out. Enough of them eventually drop out, in fact, to disguise the otherwise decided statistical superiority of female performance in school. But they do not drop out soon enough to suit educators for whom aggressive boys are the leading problem in every high school.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 207-208

* Adolescent boys are radically different from adolescent girls. The boys, for example, are at the pinnacle of sexual desire and aggressiveness. In school, what they chiefly need is male discipline and challenge, ideally without girls present to distract them. Girls, on the other hand, are less aggressive and sexually compulsive at this stage and are more willing to study without rigid policing and supervision. Thus a classroom that contains both boys and girls will hurt both. The boys will be excelled and demoralized by the girls; the girls will be distracted and demoralized by the boys. Both sexes will be damaged by the continuous policing that the rebellious and unsuccessful boys require. &lt;br&gt;There are benefits to coeducation, however. It allows our educational system to avoid &quot;sexism,&quot; reduce costs, and get rid of rambunctious lower-class males. It conditions a good many boys to compete with women on female terms. The classroom successes of these &quot;grinds&quot; and &quot;apple-polishers&quot; are somewhat tarnished after school or in the men's room, when they are brutally harassed by gangs of unsuccessful male students. But what happens after school- or in the men's room, God forbid- is of little concern to the school management. The only after-school that interests them is college admissions.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 208-209

* Coeducation also allows educators to avoid the problem of finding new ways to meet the sexual identity crises of most schoolboys. As Patricia Cayo Sexton has elaborately documented, it is the most &quot;feminine&quot; boys, by every index, who tend to excel in school. Obedient and submissive in the classroom, their aggressions emerge fitfully in other areas. They raise hell on college campuses, for example. Otherwise they masturbate incessantly, worry about it even more than about their grades, and generally turn their energies inward where they can cause serious distortions of character. Homosexuality and violence are frequent outlets, drugs a frequent pallative. But they ''do'' do well in school. &lt;br&gt;Surprisingly to imaginative educators, these types have less trouble in all-male institutions. Contrary to the widespread notion, homosexuality is evident neither at prep schools nor at parochial schools. Boys with masculinity problems are reinforced by an all-male environment, while less competent though virile students are not so estranged from education by their failures. Competition with females is destructive to males in any arena, but nowhere is it so damaging as among impressionable adolescents preoccupied with their intense but inchoate sexuality.
** [[George Gilder]], ''Sexual Suicide'' (1973). New York: Quadrangle Books, p. 209

* As Anita and I travel about the country, we can't help but believe the sexes are getting closer together. There's not as much difference between boys and girls as there used to be. Many young men today seem to have abandoned the male role. They refuse to be heads of households. I don't think a serious young woman should marry someone like that because I don't think she's going to change him. It's frightening. I don't know if physical appearance or mode of attire or these things make the difference, but it seems guys are more docile. They're almost feminine in manner and dress, and their attitudes toward girls are very lackadaisical and ungallant.
** Bob Green, ''Bless This House'' (1972) by [[Anita Bryant]] and Bob Green. Old Tappan: Fleming H. Revell Company, p. 141-142

* A good many girls these days assume the male role and call boys for dates. I have a nagging feeling that boys are going to get less and less interested in girls as a result. The intrigue is going. If a girl wants to put herself on an equal plane with the boy, she's going to find herself less and less in demand. It used to be that if guys wanted to date a sharp girl they had to polish the car and fix themselves up- and compete. If they don't have to do that, they're going to lose interest. Maybe girls phone boys from necessity. Maybe the boys don't have that get-up-and-go- that desire. I see an extreme lack of desire in young men today.
** Bob Green, ''Bless This House'' (1972) by [[Anita Bryant]] and Bob Green. Old Tappan: Fleming H. Revell Company, p. 142

== H ==

* ''Huc venite iuvenes ut exeatis viri'' &lt;br&gt;&quot;Come Here As Youths So You may Leave As Men&quot;
** Motto of [[Hampden-Sydney College]]

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 100

* When boys go first to bed,&lt;br /&gt;They step into their voluntary graves.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Mortification'' (1633)

* ''Virginibus puerisque canto.''
** I sing for maidens and boys.
** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4.

* When you can't do anything else to a boy, you can make him wash his face.
** [[E. W. Howe‎]], ''Travel Letters from New Zealand, Australia and Africa'' (1913), p. 120

== I ==
== J ==
== K ==

* Gender: The social characteristic that we are taught to align with our prescribed sex (i.e., the belief that boys are aggressive.
** Michael Kimmel and The Stony Book Sexualities Research Group (editors), ''Sexualities: Identities, Behaviors, and Society'' (2004), 2nd Edition (2015), p. 681

== L ==

* As for gender, the abstinence-only curricula continue to exhibit what Michelle Fine described a decade ago: the peer doing the pressuring is male; the refuser-delayer is female. Some mainstream publishers set out to fix this in the 1990s. &quot;Reducing the Risk,&quot; for instance, employs a novel approach: it names one of its fictional couples Lee and Lee, who evince no obvious gender traits and take turns aggressing and thwarting aggression. In Lee and Lee, the ideology of chastity has trumped women's liberation. Now, boys are expected to desire as little as girls.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 93 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* In school, perhaps more than at home (which is why parents are sometimes appalled when they catch their kids unawares among their friends), both masculinity and femininity are narrow balancing beams, easy to tumble off. Girls must appear amenable to sex but not too amenable. If a girl is standoffish or proud, she is a &quot;bitch.&quot; But if she talks too dirty or behaves too lasciviously, she's a &quot;slut&quot; or a &quot;ho.&quot; A boy who does the latter is admired as a &quot;player.&quot; If he does the latter toward girls, that is. Because if a boy is shy or insufficiently enthusiastic about, say, discussing the size of a classmate's breasts, he can find himself ostracized as a &quot;faggot.&quot; Masculinity is policed chiefly by boys against other boys, and homophobia is its billy club.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 155-156 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* The Australian sociologist Bob Connell has pointed out that masculine and feminine styles differ from school to school and among social classes, races or ethnic groups. Michael Reichert, a Pennsylvania sociologist whose work on boys has taken him to both Philadelphia housing projects and to an elite suburban boys' prep school, noted, for instance, that a working-class boy might assert his dominance by beating up another kid, whereas an upper-class boy would do the deed verbally, with sarcasm (verbal &quot;dissing,&quot; of course, is a high art of hip-hop as well.)
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 156 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

* Teens even tend to stick to gender roles when they dissemble about sex. &quot;Three times more junior high school boys than girls say they have had sex, at an earlier age and with more partners. What does this mean?&quot; asked sociologist Mike Males. &quot;Are a few girls really getting around? Are boys having sex with aliens? Each other?&quot; (In his incredulity that the last could happen, Males isn't unlike the kids he's talking about.) Another study found that when kids lied, boys tended to state falsely that they had had sex, whereas girls said they were virgins.
** [[Judith Levine]], ''[[w:Harmful to Minors|Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex]]'' (2002), Judith Levine, forward by [[Joycelyn Elders]], University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis,  {{ISBN|0816640068}} p. 156-157 [https://www.ipce.info/library_3/pdf/harmfultominors.pdf]

== M ==

* '''''Boys believe nothing can hurt them,'' his doubt whispered. ''Grown men know better.'''''
** [[George R. R. Martin]], ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Theon (I)—Theon Greyjoy

* What boy does not wish to find secret powers hidden in himself?
** [[George R. R. Martin]], ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'', Bran (IV)–Maester Luwin

* Sadly for all of us, our culture does little to encourage boys to become great men. Television depicts men as stupid, or as sex addicts, and almost always intellectually and emotionally shallow. Men don't seem to care about these depictions, merely laughing them off. But I care about them, because our sons need good role models and given the amount of time boys spend with electronic media they need good role models on television. And of course, there is a bigger cultural fallout from the depreciation of masculinity and fatherhood, which is lower marriage rates, higher divorce rates, and the reality that many boys grow up in fatherless homes. &lt;br&gt;This is a national tragedy, because boys need healthy encouragement from their fathers more than they need it from anyone else. In a boy's eyes, his father's words are sacred. They hold enormous power. His words can crush a boy or piece him back together after a fall. If a father is not there at all, there is a huge void in a boy's life- and as the depressing statistics remind us, boys who grow up without fathers are at a dramatically greater risk of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, and ending up in prison. &lt;br&gt;Encouragement from a father changes a boy's life. His words can ignite furious passion in a boy that will help him achieve any goal he sets out to accomplish. To a son, a dad's words are the final truth. If they are positive, a boy feels that he cannot be beaten; if they are negative, however, a son feels that he could never win. If you are a son reading this, you know exactly what I mean.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 92-93

* '''Every boy needs schooling in virtues in order to become a great man.''' And any parent can school him because at the heart of virtue is masculine intuition. Parents don't have to construct the virtues and then pour then into the heart of their son. The virtues are there, but in small fragments that must be cleaned, shaped, and polished. The great burden for parents is finding time. Haste is the enemy of virtue, because it gives us no time to discuss, think, wonder, or pray; it forces us to push our boys to perform when we should be working with them. Give time back to your son. Give him time to dream. Encourage him to question and to think. Boys must have time to think upon virtues before they embrace them. Otherwise, virtues become nothing more than a disposable outer layer of clothing. A man can put them on or off, depending on his mood. But real virtues are not so disposable- they become part of the boy.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 204-205

* '''Boys will search for virtue, just as they will search for truth and self-worth, because in the heart of a developing boy is the desire to know the truth, to know what is good, and to know that he has some reason to do the right thing. This is why boys are famous for setting out rules, standards of conduct for themselves.''' They derive their moral code from those they admire (usually their parents). Once a boy sets out his rules, he holds them as the best and highest way a boy (himself) should behave. If a boy succeeds in following his code of conduct, he's able to respect himself, and he believes others will respect him as well. Respect and honor are important to boys (and men). &lt;br&gt;At the top of most lists of good behavior is honesty. Boys are keenly attuned to honesty in those around them. And they feel it immediately when people around them sway from it. If a boy has a strong conscience, his eyebrows, nostrils, hairline, and mouth will all betray him if he tries to lie, because he will know he is breaking the code of conduct. Boys consider honesty a masculine quality, so to betray it is to be less of a man. Heroes, in a boy's eyes, are deserving of honor because they stand for what is right and just, and what is right and just is honesty. Living honestly feels better to boys than living with deception, even if that deception is meant to get them what they want. Boys like feeling strong and courageous, and telling the truth demands strength and honesty. Lying feels grungy. Lying makes boys fearful because they know it is a weakness. The liar is someone who is afraid of the truth.&lt;br&gt;This is why boys are so open to being trained to tell the truth. They know that if you teach them to be truth tellers, you're teaching them to be strong. They know good boys, internally strong boys, tell the truth; wishy-washy boys lie. No one needs to tell them this; they know it. &lt;br&gt;So in teaching honesty you have a ready audience. Don't blow it by encouraging your son to tell white lies- even if they're well intentioned. Young boys think in black-and-white terms. A statement is either true or it is false. The younger the boy, the less gray he feels in his thinking. When a parent coaxes him to tell &quot;white lies&quot; he is confused. The term is an oxymoron. In order to accommodate his parents' wishes, he puts lies into the pool of acceptable speech. Beginning such ambiguous training so early on in life leads boys down a slippery path.
** Meg Meeker, ''Boys Should Be Boys'' (2008), 2009 Ballentine Books paperback edition. New York: Ballentine Books, p. 205-206

== N ==

* No one has the right to make a boy learn Latin, because learning is a matter for individual choice; but if in a Latin class, a boy fools all the time, the class should throw him out, because he interferes with the freedom of others.
** [[A. S. Neill]], ''Summerhill'' (1960)

* '''I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy, playing on the sea shore, and diverting myself, in now and then finding a smoother pebble, or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.'''
** [[Isaac Newton]], just before his death, as quoted in ''The Annual Review, and History of Literature for 1806'', Vol. V (&lt;!--London, --&gt;1807), Ch. 14, Art. XIV (''Memoirs of Sir Isaac Newton'' by Edmund Turnor), p. 471

== O ==
== P ==
== Q ==
== R ==

* To date, there are still very few published discussions of young boys' constructions of masculinity that unpack the heteronormativity in which it is produced. While some of the primary-school studies have explored how homophobic cultures operate to marginalize boys who are alternatively masculine and thus &quot;feminized&quot; and &quot;homosexualized&quot; via various forms of name-calling (Thorne 1993; Boldt 1996; Redman 1996; Renold 2002b, 2004), very little research attention has focused on the diversity and ambiguity of boys' heterosexual cultures.
** Emma Renold, &quot;Primary School 'Studs': (De)constructing Young Boys' Heterosexual Masculinities&quot;, reprinted from ''Men and Masculinities'', Volume 9, Number 3 (2007), 275-297 in ''Sexualities: Identities, Behaviors, and Society'' (2004), 2nd Edition (2015) by Michael Kimmel and The Stony Book Sexualities Research Group (editors), p. 79

* Tuke's repeated portrayal of boys and male adolescents provokes challenging questions about the depiction, exhibition and reception of the body- especially the young body- both then and now. Imagine the artist out on his boat in Falmouth harbour painting his nude boy-models, perhaps in preparation for ''Bathers'' (1888-9), a picture that reappears as a point of interest throughout this book. Consider this in a twenty-first-century context and you might start to ask some questions. Firstly, where are their life jackets? You might also question the relationship between artist and model. Is he supposed to be responsible for them? Do their parents know? Attitudes toward the care and safeguarding of people, children and adolescents in particular, have fundamentally shifted since Tuke's day. I do not mean to suggest that Tuke's models were unsafe or uncared for (interviews in the ''Reminiscences'' are to the contrary) but that societal codes of behavior have changed considerably, not least in relation to nude sea-bathing, which was becoming increasingly contentious even within Tuke's lifetime. The boundaries between what is considered innocent, acceptable, erotic or even sexually explicit- in terms of behavior, language, or imagery- have shifted considerably over time, and Tuke's art draws attention to some of those historical changes.
** Cicely Robinson (editor), ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 14

* As one ''Tatler'' critic recognized when praising Henry Scott Tuke as ''par excellence'' the painter of youth,&quot; the depiction of naked youths bathing or sitting on Cornish beaches looking contemplatively out to sea played an important part in Tuke's artistic success. However, these paintings elicited a range of different readings and conflicting interpretations from Tuke's viewers, some of which detected a sexualised approach on the artist's approach to the unclothed adolescent male body, while many others did not.
** Cicely Robinson (editor), ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 75

* Examining the physical attributes, poses, and symbolism of the naked youths that modelled for Tuke and were depicted in his key works, I argue that certain iconographic references and pictorial correspondences were familiar to some of Tuke's viewers. This would have been due to their knowledge of classical precedents for representing the youthful male nude and through their exposure to erotic photographic images of naked youths in the open air that encouraged them to infer sexual intent. Yet for other audiences, these sexualised associatins remained elusive, as they approached the subject of youthful male nudes in landscape settings differently through the conventions of English pastoralism or by seeing the work as making reference to an updated visual language of neoclassicism gaining currency and critical support in British art from the 1860s onwards.
** Cicely Robinson, ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 75

* Famously, the models all said in later life that Tuke never exploited them or made untoward suggestions; unlike his friend Charles Masson Fox, Tyke was never accused of sexual impropriety in his relations with boys and young men.
** Cicely Robinson, ''Henry Scott Tuke'', p. 131

* Boys and girls should be taught respect for each other's liberty; they should be made to feel that nothing gives one human being rights over another, and that jealousy and possessiveness kill love.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''What I Believe'' (1925)

* I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: &quot;The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair.&quot; In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Education and the Social Order'' (1932), p. 31

== S ==

* Make the boy interested in natural history if you can; it is better than games.
** [[Robert Falcon Scott]], last letter to his wife, quoted in ''Scott's Last Expedition'', Vol. I (1913), Ch. 20

== T ==

* The senshi are very sexy, and boys like it. In Japan, moreover, boys are quite weak and they search for a strong partner. They want to be dominated, and the senshi are ready to do it. 
* Maybe what a lot of authors don't understand is the masochistic component of boys. They write love stories that are now outdated. 
:* Naoko Takeuchi [http://www.kicie.net/realm/naoko.htm]

== U ==
== V ==

* ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.''
** '''O charming boy, trust not too much in thy beauty.'''
** [[Virgil]], ''Eclogues ''(37 BC), Book II, line 17.

* ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.''
** '''[[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]].'''
** [[Virgil]], ''Aeneid ''(29–19 BC), Book IX, line 641.

== W ==
== X ==
== Y ==
== Z ==

[[Category:Themes]]
[[Category:Gender]]
[[Category:Men| ]]

== External links ==
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    <title>Belarusian proverbs</title>
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      <text bytes="501" xml:space="preserve">Proverbs from all '''[[Belarusian language|Belarusian]]''' parts of the world.

== З ==
* Загляне сонца i ў наша ваконца.
** Translation: ''Sun will look in our window too.''
** Meaning: ''Do not despair when there is no hope. Everything will be alright!''
** {{cite book|author=Maksim Harėtski|title=Historyi͡a belaruskae literatury|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=an0yAQAAMAAJ|year=1926}}

== External links==
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      <text bytes="20484" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Yesmen gilda.jpg|right|thumb| I am very, very happy to announce that for the first time, Dow is accepting full responsibility for the Bhopal catastrophe... '''And I would also like to say that this is no small matter, Steve. This is the first time in history that a publicly owned company of anything near the size of Dow has performed an action which is significantly against its bottom line simply because it’s the right thing to do. And our shareholders may take a bit of a hit, Steve, but I think that if they’re anything like me, they will be ecstatic to be part of such a historic occasion of doing right by those that we’ve wronged. ''' -   The Yes Men]]

'''[[w: Bhopal|Bhopal]]''' is the [[w: Capital (political)|capital]] of the [[w:Indian state|Indian state]] of [[w:Madhya Pradesh|Madhya Pradesh]] and the administrative headquarters of [[w: Bhopal district|Bhopal district]]. The city was the capital of the former [[w: Bhopal State|Bhopal State]]. 

==Quotes==
[[File:Dost Mohammad Khan, Bhopal.jpg|right|thumb| Kim Fortun: The city of Bhopal that stands today was established by [[w:Afghanistan|Afghan]] chief [[w:Dost Mohammad Khan, Nawab of Bhopal|Dost Mohammed Khan]] during [[w:Emperor Aurangzeb|Aurangzeb]]’s reign...]]
[[File:BadaTalaabBhopal3.jpg|thumb|right|]]
[[File:Sultan Shah Jahan, Begum of Bhopal, 1872.jpg|right|thumb|]]
[[File:Taj +Ul +Masjid.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Taj-ul-Masjid|Taj-ul-Masjid]], the largest mosque in [[India]]]]

*The power of the [[Maratha Empire|Marathas]] already established in the South, began to be extended to the North, so that by the middle of the eighteenth century, Rustam Ali, who was compelled to “travel from [[city]] to city in search of employment and subsistence”, writes in his Tarikh-i-Hind (composed C.E. 1741-42) that “from the day he left Shah Jahanabad (Delhi), and travelled through the country of idolatry, it was here (at Bhopal) only that he found [[Islam]] to be predominant.”
** Rustam Ali, Tarikh-i-Hind (E and D, VIII, p.58.) quoted from Lal, K. S. (1990). Indian muslims: Who are they.

*Bhopal is known as the “city of lakes”; its name is a derivation of [[w:Bhojtal|Bhoj Tal]] (“Bhoj’s Lake”), a lake constructed by [[w: Raja Bhoj|Bhoj]], a [[Hindu]] [[w:Raja|raja]], in the 11th century. 
**[[w:Encyclopedia Britannica|Encyclopedia Britannica]], in “Bhopal”

*Bhopal is an old town with [[w:Moghul|Moghul]] past...situated at the centre of [[India]], surrounded by hills, forest and fields...has two large lakes, the Upper Lake and the Lower Lake built 1000 years ago.
**AvIngrid Eckerman, in &quot;Bhopal Saga: Causes and Consequences of the World's Largest Industrial disaster (1 January 2005)&quot;, p. 9

*Bhopal has never been pastoral locale. It has drawn people into itself out of violent currents. It has been a place of migrancy, of continual upheaval and re-inscription. What has not changed is the way the poor of Bhopal are swept into grand narrations, in scripted roles. ... The city of Bhopal besides being the capital of Madhya Pradesh, is popularly known as the cultural capital of India. The city, situated in the plateau of Malwa in Central India, can be divided into three distinct areas.  The old city, which was established during the reign of Nawabs, where most people are dependent on wage labour and petty trade for their livelihood. The New city where the government officers and staff quarters were built after Bhopal was made the capital of the State, is to the south of the Old City. Most of the residents of this part of the city are government officers and other employees. The industrial township of Bharat Heavy Electricals Limited (BHEL) is the third distinct segment of the city of Bhopal. 
** Kim Fortun, in &quot;Advocacy After Bhopal: Environmentalism, Disaster, New Global Orders (24 July 2001)&quot;, p. 160, 196

*During [[World War II]], the locality of Bairagarh was a prisoner-of-war camp. After independence, the Bairagarh camp was used to house Hindu refugees from [[Pakistan]]. Muslims from across India also migrated to Bhopal in large numbers, seeking the security of the largest Muslim state after [[Hyderabad]]. In 1961, half of the residents of Bhopal were migrants. ... The city of Bhopal that stands today was established by [[w:Afghanistan|Afghan]] chief [[w:Dost Mohammad Khan, Nawab of Bhopal|Dost Mohammed Khan]] during [[w:Emperor Aurangzeb|Aurangzeb]]’s reign. Dost Mohammed carved out his own small kingdom. [[Muslim]] control over the city was sustained until independence, through collaboration with the [[w:British raj|British]].
** Kim Fortun, in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Yi47Cs5q3wkC&amp;pg=PA196 Advocacy After Bhopal: Environmentalism, Disaster, New Global Orders (24 July 2001)], p. 160 

*Shaukat Mahal and Sadar Manzil, an architectural curiosity, is a mixture of styles in [[w:Western world|occidental idioms]] and sets it apart from the predominantly [[w:Islamic architecture|Islamic architecture]] of the area. It was designed by a Frenchman, said to be a descendant of an offshoot of the [[w:Bourbon kings of France|Bourbon kings of France]]. Post-[[w:Renaissance|renaissance]] and [[w:Gothic style|Gothic style]]s are combined to charming effect here. 
**S. Gajrani, in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=T02CC0ihCmcC&amp;pg=PA81 History, Religion and Culture of India, Volume 5  (2004)], p. 81

*... 'Bhoj pal', which became Bhopal, was the nucleus of a walled city which the successive rulers improved continuously. Gates were built and named after the days of the week: ''Pir'' and ''Jumerati'' on the north side, ''Itwara'' and ''Budhawara'' on the east. Others were added to these four; ''Imami'', ''Ginnori'', ''Kila Darwaza''. Until the rule of Qudsia Begum, the population consisted of mainly Afghan adventurers seeking military service and with no intention of settling down permanently. Things started to change in the mid-nineteenth century.... During the colonial era, the [[w:Begum|Begums]] and the [[w:Nawab|Nawab]]s added many new buildings, mostly in the Old City, or in the adjoining northern area. [[w:Sultan Shah Jahan, Begum of Bhopal|Shah Jehan Begum]] initiated the [[w:Taj-ul-Masjid|Taj-ul-Masjid]], the largest mosque in [[India]], which started in 1887, being built on the model of [[Delhi]]’s [[w:Jama Masjid|Jama Masjid]] and was completed in the 1970s.Her daughter created the suburb of Ahmedabad.... the communalization of Bhopal politics and society remained limited. First the [[Hindu]] and [[Muslim]] intelligentsia shared one common grievance vis-à-vis the Nawab.... In 1934, local Hindus and Muslims launched together the Mulki movement whose motto was ‘Bhopal for Bhopalis’. Local Hindus and Muslims continued to join hands against the Nawab, when as Chancellor of the Chamber of Princes, he tried to defend his domination. He tied with rulers who wanted ‘to form an organization of those states which were scattered from Bhopal to [[w:Karachi|Karachi]]’ with the support of [[Jinnah]]. [[w:Indian partition|Partition]] destroyed these plans. But then the Nawab of Bhopal resisted the merger of his state with the rest of the [[w:Dominion of India|Indian Union]]. And like the 1930s with the Mulki movement, Hindus and Muslims rallied round the [[w;Indian Natioanl Congress|Congress]] to mobilise the masses in favour of such a merger. The Nawab conceded defeat in 1948, and Bhopal state became a Part C state of India in 1949.... Bhopal grew quickly after [[w:Indian independence|independence]], especially after the city was made the capital of [[w:Madhya Pradesh|Madhya Pradesh]] in 1956... The relative communal harmony reflected forms of tolerance and [[w:Syncretism|syncretism]] symbolized by a practice that is today recalled with nostalgia by the elderly people in Bhopal…Certainly Hindu merchants were interested in communal peace also because their shops were often located in the vicinity of the three mosques of Bhopal, including Taj-ul-Masjid, which became the largest in India at the turn of the twentieth century... The communal [[peace]] which prevails in Bhopal is all the more remarkable as the city welcomes thousands of [[Muslim]] pilgrims every year when they come to celebrate Tabligi Ijtema, in the Taj-ul-Masjid.
**[[w:Christophe Jaffrelot|Christophe Jaffrelot]], et al,  in “Muslims In Indian Cities (28 February 2013)”, p. 113

*The Old Nawabi Jewel [Bhopal], today capital of [[w:Madhya Pradesh|Madhya Pradesh]], brought to mind the capital of [[w:Andhra Pradesh|Andhra Pradesh]]. [[w:Nizam|Nizami]] [[Hyderabad]] was the only [[Muslim]] state that outsized Bhopal. Both offer a rich built  and culinary Nawabi heritage, and both offer glimpses of varieties of food eaten in all the corners of their respective states. ... Old Bhopal, like [[w:Old Delhi|Old Delhi]], is a Muslim city and takes its time waking up. Sensibly, its streets are widest awake by 7PM.
**Lesley A. Esteves, in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=jDEEAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PT56  Outlook Traveller (April 2008)], p. 85

*Split by a pair of lakes, Bhopal offers two starkly contrasting [[w:cityscapes|cityscapes]]. In the north is the [[Muslim]]-dominated old city, a fascinating area of [[w:Mosque|mosques]] and crowded [[w:Bazar|bazaars]]. Bhopal’s population is 40% Muslim – one of India’s highest concentration of Muslims – and the women in black ''niqabs'' ([[veils]]) are reminders of the female [[w:Islamic rulers in the Indian subcontinent|Islamic rulers]] who built up Bhopal in the 19th century.
**[[w:Lonely Planet|Lonely Planet]], in [http://www.lonelyplanet.com/india/madhya-pradesh-and-chhattisgarh/bhopalIntroducing Bhopal] 

*I have resided in Delhi, Bhopal and Hyderabad (Deccan) for many years. In all these places I could hardly locate any temples left of the medieval period. Hindu learning was dependent on schools and Brahman teachers, and both were attached to temples mostly in urban areas. And all the three - schools, teachers and temples - were systematically destroyed.
**Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 7

*Tradition assigns to him [Raja Bhoj] the construction of the great lake in Bhopal that once covered the district of Tal. A village near the ancient embankment is called [[w:Bhojpur, Madhya Pradesh|Bhojpur]], and the word Bhopal, indeed it is said to be derived from Bhoj pal – ''pal'' signifying [[w:Embankment|embankment]]. After a long reign it is probable that [[w:Raja Bhoj|Bhoj]] died, near the close of the eleventh century.
**[[w:George Robert Aberigh-Mackay|George Aberigh-Mackay]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=i-Y2AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PR39 The Chiefs of Central India (1879)], p. 39  

[[File:Sadar Manzil Bhopal.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Jerry Pinto|Jerry Pinto]]: ...a fascinating combination of a traditional city, rich in [[history]],  and a modern one, with a strong emphasis on urban planning and industrialization. Bhopal is informally divided into two parts – the Old City and the New Bhopal. The Old City (often referred to in Bhopal as just the 'City') is the one built and developed by the Begums of Bhopal.]]

*...a fascinating combination of a traditional city, rich in [[history]],  and a modern one, with a strong emphasis on urban planning and industrialization. Bhopal is informally divided into two parts – the Old City and the New Bhopal. The Old City (often referred to in Bhopal as just the 'City') is the one built and developed by the Begums of Bhopal.... You can see their legacy alive in all kinds of ways: in Bhopal’s [[w:Zardozi|zardosi work]], a kind of [[w:Embroidery|embroidery]] done on [[w:bridal wear|bridal outfits]], [[w:Sherwani|sherwani]]s, and [[w;Purse|purse]]s; in the famous [[handicraft]] of ''batua'', a small string purse usually used with [[Indian]] traditional clothes; even in the continuing popularity of [[w:Shairi|shairi]] and [[poetry]] recitals and in the ''nafasat'' (or sophistication) of its old residents; or in nay recipes for the preparation of [[w:Betel leaf|betel leaf]] or ''[[w:Paan|paan]]'' that are still consumed here... An integral part of old Bhopal culture are the [[w;Hijras|eunuchs]], who are intrinsic to the city’s public spaces and can still be seen roaming the streets and joining every major celebration.
**[[w:Jerry Pinto|Jerry Pinto]], et al, in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Az1XFhjzmUwC&amp;pg=PA21 Talk of the Town (2008)], p. 21

===[[w:Bhopal gas disaster|Bhopal gas disaster]]===
[[File:Bhopal-Union Carbide 1 crop memorial.jpg|right|thumb|AvIngrid Eckerman: Of course, it was a multinational that caused this [[w:Catastrophe|catastrophe]]. Of course they will deny causing it. Of course, it was a very poor and powerless population that was hit. Of course, they will not get the support to which they should have the right.]]
[[File:BHOPAL (231583728).jpg|right|thumb|Jacob Mani: Bhopal is a calamity without end...Today, fully a quarter of a century later, victims of this, the world's worst industrial disaster, are still being born.]]

*I am very, very happy to announce that for the first time, Dow is accepting full responsibility for the Bhopal catastrophe. We have a $12 billion plan to finally, at long last, fully compensate the victims, including the 120,000 who may need medical care for their entire lives, and to fully and swiftly remediate the Bhopal plant site.  .... '''And I would also like to say that this is no small matter, Steve. This is the first time in history that a publicly owned company of anything near the size of Dow has performed an action which is significantly against its bottom line simply because it’s the right thing to do. And our shareholders may take a bit of a hit, Steve, but I think that if they’re anything like me, they will be ecstatic to be part of such a historic occasion of doing right by those that we’ve wronged. '''
**The supposed Dow Chemical spokesman, Jude Finisterra of the Yes Men, on Dec. 3, 2004, during an appearance on BBC World. Quoted in A.H. Kim, Yes Men Bhopal Legacy [https://www.thecrimson.com/column/the-art-of-protest/article/2014/3/5/art-of-protest-the-bhopal-legacy/], and [https://www.democracynow.org/2012/2/28/wikileaks_private_spies_stratfor_helped_dow]  [https://www.democracynow.org/2004/12/6/yes_men_hoax_on_bbc_reminds] and in American Carnival: Journalism Under Siege in an Age of New Media by Neil Henry 

*Of course, it was a multinational that caused this [[w:Catastrophe|catastrophe]]. Of course they will deny causing it. Of course, it was a very poor and powerless population that was hit. Of course, they will not get the support to which they should have the right.
**AvIngrid Eckerman's, reaction on watching the Bhopal gas tragedy disaster on the TV on 3 December 1984, in [http://books.google.se/books?id=rvn7ybZUo4kC&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=falseThe Bhopal Saga: Causes and Consequences of the World's Largest Industrial disaster (1 January 2005)], p. 1

*The [[w:Gas|gas]] [[w:Leakage|leakage]] from [[w:Union Carbide India Limited|Union Carbide's plant]] (UC) in Bhopal, in 1984 is the largest industrial hazard ever experienced in the [[world]]. Over 500, 000 were exposed to the gases; between 3000 and 10,000 people died within the first weeks; and between  100,000 and 200,000 may have permanent injuries.
**AvIngrid Eckerman, in &quot;Bhopal Saga: Causes and Consequences of the World's Largest Industrial disaster (1 January 2005)&quot;, p. 9

*The scene inside the [[factory]] was terrible. I saw dead bodies and injured people with foam coming out of their mouths. Since the gas leak we have all been [[sick]]. Because of this, my children couldn't study and now they can't get good jobs. Today I am the only breadwinner of the family. If this disaster would have taken place in [[America]], the US government would have taken good care of their citizens. We want [[w:Union Carbide India Limited|UC]] to take their waste back to America.
**Hazira Bee, in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/bhopal-the-victims-are-still-being-born-1830516.html Twenty-five years on, the world's worst industrial accident continues to kill and blight many lives. And still there's been no trial (29 November 2009)] 

*Even today, 120,000 people exposed to the gas have chronic medical conditions.
**[[w:Amnesty International|Amnesty International]], in “Twenty-five years on, the world's worst industrial accident continues to kill and blight many lives. And still there's been no trial (29 November 2009)”

*Bhopal is a calamity without end...Today, fully a quarter of a century later, victims of this, the world's worst industrial disaster, are still being born.
** Nina Lakhani, in “Twenty-five years on, the world's worst industrial accident continues to kill and blight many lives. And still there's been no trial (29 November 2009)”

*We want to see a full clean-up of the disaster site and surrounding area, including the [[w:Ground Water |ground water]] [[w:Aquifer|aquifer]] – a huge undertaking, but reasonable considering this was the world's worst industrial disaster. The $470m [[compensation]] payout only ever pertained to people affected by [[w:Exposure|exposure]] to the gas on that night. It does not, and never did, cover children born with terrible defects as a result of their parent's exposure; people being affected by the environmental or water contamination; and it does not cover the [[environment]]al [[w:Contamination|contamination]] itself.
**Colin Toogood, of the [[w:[[w:Bhopal Municipal Corporation|BMA]], in “Twenty-five years on, the world's worst industrial accident continues to kill and blight many lives. And still there's been no trial (29 November 2009)”

*Neither Union Carbide nor its officials are subject to the [[w:Jurisdiction|jurisdiction]] of the Indian court since they did not have any involvement in the operation of the plant... The government of India needs to address any ongoing medical and health concerns of the Bhopal people.
**Tom Sprick of Union Carbide, in “Twenty-five years on, the world's worst industrial accident continues to kill and blight many lives. And still there's been no trial (29 November 2009)”

*Today, Bhopal is [[w:Synonymous|synonymous]] with that [[w:Disaster|disaster]] - nothing else. All the publicity that's come out of this has been negative against [[w:Multinational|multinational]]s.
** Jacob Mani, in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8388167.stm Industrial success fails to lift Bhopal (2 December 2009)]

*Mother Teresa’s timing shows every sign of instinctive genius. She possesses an intuition about the need for her message and about the way in which this message should be delivered. To take a relatively small example: In 1984 the Indian town of Bhopal was the scene of an appalling industrial calamity. The Union Carbide plant, which had been located in the town to take advantage of low labor costs and government tax incentives, exploded and spilled toxic chemicals over a large swath of the citizenry. Two and a half thousand persons perished almost at once, and many thousands more were choked by lung-searing emissions and had their health permanently impaired. The subsequent investigation revealed a pattern of negligence and showed that previous safety warnings at the plant had been shelved or ignored. Here was no “Act of God,” as the insurance companies like to phrase it in the fine print of their contracts, but a shocking case of callousness on the part of a giant multinational corporation. Mother Teresa was on the next plane to Bhopal. At the airport, greeted by throngs of angry relatives of the victims, she was pressed to give her advice and counsel, and she did so unhesitatingly. I have a videotape of the moment. “Forgive,” she said. “Forgive, forgive.” On the face of it, a strange injunction. How did she know there was anything to forgive? Had anybody asked for forgiveness? What are the duties of the poor to the rich in such a situation? And who is authorized to recommend, or to dispense, forgiveness?5 In the absence of any answer to these questions, Mother Teresa’s flying visit to Bhopal read like a hasty exercise in damage control, the expedient containment of righteous secular indignation.
**Hitchens, C. (2012). The missionary position: Mother Theresa in theory and practice.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wikivoyage}}{{Wiktionary|Bhopal}}
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    <title>Elliot Rodger</title>
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      <text bytes="31631" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Elliot Rodger|Elliot Rodger]]''' ([[July 24]], [[1991]] – [[May 23]], [[2014]]) was based

== Quotes ==

===Bodybuilding.com, PUAhate and ForeverAlone posts===

* Shoes won’t help you get white girls. White girls are disgusted by you, silly little Asian.
** As quoted in Josh Glasstetter, &quot;Elliot Rodger, Isla Vista Shooting Suspect, Posted Racist Messages on Misogynistic Website&quot;, ''Hatewatch'' (May 24, 2014)

* Full Asian men are disgustingly ugly and white girls would never go for you. You’re just butthurt that you were born as an asian piece of shit, so you lash out by linking these fake pictures. You even admit that you wish you were half white. You’ll never be half-white and you’ll never fulfill your dream of marrying a white woman. I suggest you jump off a bridge.
** As quoted in Josh Glasstetter, &quot;Elliot Rodger, Isla Vista Shooting Suspect, Posted Racist Messages on Misogynistic Website&quot;, ''Hatewatch'' (May 24, 2014)

* Men shouldn't have to look and act like big, animalistic beasts to get women. The fact that women still prioritize brute strength just shows that their minds haven't fully evolved.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* Women are not drawn to indicators of evolutionary fitness. If they were, they'd be all over me.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* Never insult the style of Elliot Rodger. I’m the most stylish person in the world. Just look at my profile pic. That’s just one of my fabulous outfits. The sweater I’m wearing in the picture is $500 from Neiman Marcus.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* If we can’t solve our problems we must DESTROY our problems... One day incels will realise their true strength and numbers and will overthrow this oppressive feminist system. Start envisioning a world where WOMEN FEAR YOU.
** As quoted in Rhys Blakely, &quot;‘I will be a god. I will slaughter you like animals’&quot;, ''The Australian'' (July 19, 2014)

===''My Twisted World'' (2014)===
==== Thoughts at 14 ====

* The boys in my grade talked about sex a lot. Some of them even told me that they had sex with their girlfriends. This was the most devastating and traumatizing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Boys having sex at my age of Fourteen? I couldn’t fathom it. How is it that they were able to have such intimate and pleasurable experiences with girls while I could only fantasize about it? I frequently started asking myself. This was an all-boys school… How in the hell were those boys even able to meet girls to have sex with? I wondered. I hoped they were lying. I hoped against all hope.  [...] and one of my obnoxious classmates named Jesse was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend. I defiantly told him that I didn’t believe him, so he played a voice recording of what sounded like him and his girlfriend having sex. I could hear a girl saying his name over and over again while she panted franticly. He grinned at me smugly. I felt so inferior to him, and I hated him.

==== Thoughts at 17 ====
* I began to have fantasies of becoming very powerful and stopping everyone from having sex. I wanted to take their sex away from them, just like they took it away from me. I saw sex as an evil and barbaric act, all because I was unable to have it. This was the major turning point. My anger made me stronger inside. This was when I formed my ideas that sex should be outlawed. It is the only way to make the world a fair and just place. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. That’s the conclusion I came to, right then and there.

* I spent more time studying the world, seeing the world for the horrible, unfair place it is. I then had the revelation that just because I was condemned to suffer a life of loneliness and rejection, doesn’t mean I am insignificant. I have an exceptionally high level of intelligence. I see the world differently than anyone else. Because of all of the injustices I went through and the worldview I developed because of them, I must be destined for greatness. I must be destined to change the world, to shape it into an image that suits me!

==== Thoughts at 18 ====
===== Hope =====
* That [Lottery] ticket, of course, didn’t win. And neither would any of the tickets I buy after it, but they would give me hope.

* &quot;Maybe if I built muscles, girls will be attracted to me&quot;, I hopefully proclaimed to myself.

===== Forgiveness =====
* What was seen can never be unseen, and I will never forget it, nor will I forgive it.

==== Thoughts at 19 ====
===== Understanding of Relationships =====
* He was my comrade in virginity, for he too didn’t get any attention from girls, and I’m sure he suffered from it, but not as much as I did. I was very perplexed as to why he didn’t feel any anger towards girls for denying him sex.

===== Quitting World of Warcraft =====
* But that was only a small part of the reason why I quit. The main reason was the disturbing new player-base. The game got bigger with every new expansion that was released, and as it got bigger, it brought in a vast amount of new players. I noticed that more and more “normal” people who had active and pleasurable social lives were starting to play the game, as the new changes catered to such a crowd. WoW no longer became a sanctuary where I could hide from the evils of the world, because the evils of the world had now followed me there. I saw people bragging online about their sexual experiences with girls... and they used the term “virgin” as an insult to people who were more immersed in the game than them. The insult stung, because it was true. Us virgins did tend to get more immersed in such things, because our real lives were lacking. I couldn’t stand to play WoW knowing that my enemies, the people I hate and envy so much for having sexual lives, were now playing the same game as me. There was no point anymore. I realized what a terrible mistake I made to turn my back on the world again. The world is brutal, and I need to fight for my place in it. My life was at a crucial turning point, and I couldn’t waste any more precious time.

===== Compliments =====
* A few family friends complimented my appearance, and that made me feel a bit better about myself. It is so peculiar how a simple smile or a compliment can completely change how I feel about the world for a few moments.

===== Longing =====
* I excused myself as soon as I finished eating, and boy did I stuff myself on that meal. I then walked outside onto the beach. The wine had long since gone to my head, making me feel a sense of dizzy invigoration. I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so... romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only thing I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl by my side. It is such a shameful tragedy.
** I ended up walking for two hours, and at the end of it I was crying to myself because I felt so sad.

* I did, however, pass by one young girl, and she was like a goddess who came down from heaven. She was walking alone, in her bathing suit, with her luscious blonde hair blowing in the wind. I couldn’t help but slyly admire her beauty as we passed by each other. I was scared. I was scared that she might view me as nothing but an inferior insect who’s presence ruins her atmosphere. Her beauty was intoxicating! And then, just as we passed each other, she actually looked at me. She looked at me and smiled. Most girls never even deigned to look at me, and this one actually looked at me and smiled. I had never felt so euphoric in my life. One smile. One smile was all it took to brighten my entire day. The power that beautiful women have is unbelievable. They can temporarily turn a desperate boy’s whole world around just by smiling.

==== 19-22, UC Santa Barbara ====
===== Racial Superiority =====
* How could an inferior, ugly black boy be able to get a white girl and not me? I am beautiful, and I am half white myself. I am descended from British aristocracy. He is descended from slaves. I deserve it more.

===== Alcohol =====
*  In that college town, everyone went out with at least a little alcohol in their system. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but drinking alcohol always helped me with being more confident and sociable. On weekend nights, I took a few shots from my vodka bottle and set out on walks around the town, desperately hoping that I would stumble across some opportunity to make friends. I often ended up sitting alone at some café, hoping girls would talk to me before I sobered up. No girl ever did. I then went back home to lie in my bed alone.

=====Permavirgin=====
* I eventually grew to hate him after I heard him having sex with my sister. I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. 

===== Only documented approach of a Woman in Autobiography =====
* One time, as I was walking across the huge bridge that connected the two campuses, I passed by a girl I thought was pretty and said “Hi” as we neared each other. She kept on walking and didn’t even have the grace to respond to me. How dare she! That foul bitch. I felt so humiliated that I went to one of the school bathrooms, locked myself in a toilet stall, and cried for an hour.

===== Inceldom =====
* I spent the rest of the night pondering over what was in store for me at that point in life. I was no longer a teenager, and I’ll never be able to experience having sex as a teenager.

*On the second day, they started inviting their equally rowdy friends into my apartment, and we exchanged more small talk. To my indignant surprise, they asked me the question I always dreaded answering: “Are you a virgin?” I admitted that I was a virgin. I always admitted the truth about this. It was my life struggle, and I couldn’t lie about such a thing.

* It was that pathetic feeling of not having a hot girlfriend on my arm while some other boys in the theatre did. What I truly wanted... what I truly NEEDED, was a girlfriend. I needed a girl’s love. I needed to feel worthy as a male. For so long I have felt worthless, and it’s all girls’ fault. No girl wanted to be my girlfriend.

* A man having a beautiful girl by his side shows the world that he is worth something, because obviously that beautiful girl sees some sort of worth in him

===== Perspective on incelness =====
* As the phrase that I had coined goes: If I cannot join them, I will rise above them; and if I cannot rise above them, I will destroy them.

* I have always had a penchant for luxury, opulence, and prestige

* The Spring of 2013 was also the time when I came across the website PUAHate.com. It is a forum full of men who are starved of sex, just like me ... though unlike me they would be too cowardly to act on it.

* In late June, my mother moved out of the Summit Town Homes and bought a house in West Hills. It was the first time my mother bought a house, as she had only rented in the past. The house had recently undergone a renovation, so it was practically brand new. The house had a swimming pool and was located in a nice enough area, though I would have still preferred it if my mother had gotten married to a wealthy man and moved into a mansion. I still continued to pester her to do this, and she still stubbornly refused. I will always resent my mother for refusing to do this. If not for her sake, she should have done it for mine. Joining a family of great wealth would have truly saved my life. I would have a high enough status to attract beautiful girlfriends and live above all of my enemies. All of my horrific troubles would have been eased instantly. It is very selfish of my mother to not consider this.

* I have lived such an unnatural life, devoid of love, sex, and pleasure.

===== Building to Violence =====
* I had never been a violent person in nature, but after building up so much hatred over the years, I realized that I wouldn’t hesitate to kill or even torture my hated enemies if I was given the opportunity.

*  I ordered my coffee and sat down on one of their chairs to relax. A few moments later, when I looked up from my drink, I saw a young couple standing in line. The two of them were kissing passionately. The boy looked like an obnoxious punk; he was tall and wore baggy pants. The girl was a pretty blonde! They looked like they were in the throes of passionate sexual attraction to each other, rubbing their bodies together and tongue kissing in front of everyone. I was absolutely livid with envious hatred. When they left the store I followed them to their car and splashed my coffee all over them.

*  A tall, blonde, jock-type guy walked into one of the restaurants, and at his side was one of the sexiest girls I had ever seen... I followed them in my car for a few minutes, and when they entered a less inhabited area I opened my window and splashed my iced tea all over them.

* I walked into the range, rented a handgun from the ugly old redneck cashier, and started to practice shooting at paper targets. As I fired my first few rounds, I felt so sick to the stomach. I questioned my whole life, and I looked at the gun in front of me and asked myself “What am I doing here? How could things have led to this?” I couldn’t believe my life was actually turning out this way. There I was, practicing shooting with real guns because I had a plan to carry out a massacre. Why did things have to be this way, I silently questioned myself as I looked at the handgun I was holding in front of me. I paid my fee and left the range within minutes, feeling as if I was going to be sick.

* My first act of preparation was the purchase my first handgun. I did this quickly and hastily, at a local gun shop called Goleta Gun and Supply. I had already done some research on handguns, and I decided to purchase the Glock 34 semiautomatic pistol, an efficient and highly accurate weapon. I signed all of the papers and was told that my pickup day was in mid-December. That fell in nicely, because that was when I was planning on staying in Santa Barbara till. After I picked up the handgun, I brought it back to my room and felt a new sense of power. I was now armed. Who’s the alpha male now, bitches?

* I concluded that women are flawed. There is something mentally wrong with the way their brains are wired, as if they haven’t evolved from animal-like thinking. They are incapable of reason or thinking rationally. They are like animals, completely controlled by their primal, depraved emotions and impulses. That is why they are attracted to barbaric, wild, beast-like men. They are beasts themselves. Beasts should not be able to have any rights in a civilized society. If their wickedness is not contained, the whole of humanity will be held back from advancement to a more civilized state. Women should not have the right to choose who to mate with. That choice should be made for them by civilized men of intelligence. If women had the freedom to choose which men to mate with, like they do today, they would breed with stupid, degenerate men, which would only produce stupid, degenerate offspring. This in turn would hinder the advancement of humanity. Not only hinder it, but devolve humanity completely. Women are like a plague that must be quarantined. When I came to this brilliant, pefect revelation, I felt like everything was now clear to me, in a bitter, twisted way. I am one of the few people on {{sic}} this world who has the intelligence to see this. I am like a god, and my purpose is to exact ultimate Retribution on all of the impurities I see in the world.

* I came across this Asian guy who was talking to a white girl. The sight of that filled me with rage. I always felt as if white girls thought less of me because I was half-Asian, but then I see this white girl at the party talking to a full-blooded Asian. I never had that kind of attention from a white girl! And white girls are the only girls I’m attracted to, especially the blondes. How could an ugly Asian attract the attention of a white girl, while a beautiful Eurasian like myself never had any attention from them? I thought with rage. I glared at them for a bit, and then decided I had been insulted enough. I angrily walked toward them and bumped the Asian guy aside, trying to act cocky and arrogant to both the boy and the girl. My drunken state got the better of me, and I almost fell over to the floor after a few minutes of this. They said something along the lines that I was very drunk and that I needed to get some water, so I angrily left them and went out to the front yard, where the main partying happened. Rage fumed inside me as I realized that I just walked away from that confrontation, so I rushed back into the house and spitefully insulted the Asian before walking outside again.

==== Final Days ====
*  I needed two working handguns at the same time, as that was how I planned to commit suicide; with two simultaneous shots to the head.

* Coupled with my hate-fueled eagerness to carry out my act of revenge, there was also an extreme sense of fear inside me. Part of me still didn’t want to do it. It will mean my death, and I have always been afraid of death.

* How dare those girls give their love and sex to those other men and not me, I constantly think when I see young couples. There is nowhere in the world I can go anymore. There is no more life to live. The Day of Retribution is all I have. It is the final solution to all of the injustices of this twisted world. By doing this, I will set right all of the wrongs I’ve had to face in my sorry excuse of a life.

* I am not part of the human race. Humanity has rejected me. The females of the human species have never wanted to mate with me, so how could I possibly consider myself part of humanity? Humanity has never accepted me among them, and now I know why. I am more than human. I am superior to them all. I am Elliot Rodger... Magnificent, glorious, supreme, eminent... Divine! I am the closest thing there is to a living god. Humanity is a disgusting, depraved, and evil species. It is my purpose to punish them all. I will purify the world of everything that is wrong with it. On the Day of Retribution, I will truly be a powerful god, punishing everyone I deem to be impure and depraved.

==== &quot;Epilogue&quot; ====

&lt;blockquote&gt;And that is how my tragic life ends. Who would have thought my life will turn out this way? I didn’t. There was a time when I thought this world was a good and happy place. As a child, my whole world was innocent. It wasn’t until I went through puberty and started desiring girls that my whole life turned into a living hell. I desired girls, but girls never desired me back. There is something very wrong with that. It is an injustice that cannot go unpunished. There is no way I could live a happy life with such a scenario...

... All I ever wanted was to love women, and in turn to be loved by them back. Their behavior towards me has only earned my hatred, and rightfully so! I am the true victim in all of this. I am the good guy. Humanity struck at me first by condemning me to experience so much suffering. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I didn’t start this war... I wasn’t the one who struck first... But I will finish it by striking back. I will punish everyone. And it will be beautiful. Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;

==== Pastimes ====
* My initially happy interest in the game Warcraft 3 had an ominous tone to it. This was the beginning of a long relationship with the Warcraft franchise. In less than a year from that point, they would release their ultimate game, World of Warcraft, a game that I would find sanctuary in for most of my teenage years.

* [13 years old] After almost a month went by after getting World of Warcraft, I was finally able to play it. I made a WoW account with my father, and then I created my first character, a night elf druid. It really blew my mind. My first experience with WoW was like stepping into another world of excitement and adventure. It was a video game world, but they made it so realistic that it was like living another life, a more exciting life. My life was getting more and more depressing at that point, and WoW would fill in the void. It felt refreshing and relieving. I was only able to play it for a few hours for my first session. It was all I would think about when I wasn’t able to play it.

* It was too much for me to handle, and I stopped caring about my life and my future. I even stopped caring about what people thought of me. I hid myself away in the online World of Warcraft, a place where I felt comfortable and secure.

* Now that I was able to play World of Warcraft at my mother’s house with no limitations, aside from school and homework, I became very addicted to the game and my character in it. It was all I cared about.

* I withdrew further into the World of Warcraft, neglecting my homework and spending all of my free time playing it.

* While I was playing WoW after dinner at mother’s house once, I heard my sister watching the new show [[w:Avatar: The Last Airbender|Avatar: The Last Airbender]] on the television. I decided to check it out. I soon found myself really enjoying it. It was a magnificent story set in a fantasy world where people can control the power of the elements. Once I watched the first episode, I was hooked on the story. [[w:Zuko|Prince Zuko]] was my favorite character; he was a banished prince who was trying to regain his rightful place in the world. I always related to him. Avatar: The Last Airbender became my favorite T.V. show.

* These recent events cause me to withdraw even further away from the world. I drowned all of my misery in my online games. World of Warcraft was the only thing I had left to live for. My grades at Crespi dropped dramatically. I just didn’t care anymore. I hated that school. I didn’t think about my future. The only thing I gave any serious thought to was my WoW character. I had become very powerful in the game, and I was in one of the best guilds. With this guild, I participated in lots of five-hour raid events to collect better gear and armor for my character.

* I only had to be at school for three or four hours per day, and all of the work was very easy with teachers available to help me with anything. After those short school hours, I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, and I spent it playing World of Warcraft... My only social interaction was with my online friends and with James, who would occasionally come over to my house to play WoW with me.

* I had heated conflicts with Soumaya during every week that I was at father’s house. All I wanted to do was play WoW, and Soumaya strictly limited my playtime. Because my new room was just across from hers, she knew what I was doing at every single second. She was breathing down my neck the whole time. She kept making me do chores around the house. I despised doing work around the house, especially since we had a nanny who was supposed to do it. If I made a scene about doing the work, she took away my laptop for a day or two. This was the most horrible thing she could do to me, to take away my only source of joy left in the world. She sometimes did it even when father was at home, and father didn’t lift a finger to stop her.

* Halo 3 came out in November. I got my mother to buy it for me on the very day it was released. I had a lot of fun playing it while drinking the special mountain dew flavor that was released with the game; Mountain Dew Game Fuel, it was called. The game definitely lived up to its expectations, and to my surprise I found myself playing it more than [[World of Warcraft|WoW]] for the first couple of weeks.

* Everything’s better with some wine in the belly, as a famous character from Game of Thrones would say.

* I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. It reminded me of how pathetic I was, that at the age of twenty-two, I was still a virgin.

==Quotes about Rodger==
* Everyone is focusing on Elliot’s lack of success with women, but they need to appreciate he was unable to communicate with anyone. He was so shy and painfully awkward. He had a boring personality and he didn’t talk... He would never dream of approaching a girl, he just expected them to come to him, which they didn’t. Even if any of them ever had, it wouldn’t have lasted long, because he wouldn’t chat to them... He was incredibly hard work to talk to and I would always make sure Addison was there when we met up. We really had nothing to talk about. He liked computer games and skateboarding when he was younger, but that was it.
** Philip Bloeser, as quoted in Will Payne et al, [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2642748/EXCLUSIVE-I-believe-I-friends-psycho-mass-murderer-Virgin-Killers-best-friend-speaks-reveals-warned-Elliot-Rodgers-mother-disturbing-Facebook-post-months-ago.html &quot;EXCLUSIVE: 'I tried to offer him advice on talking to girls, but he wouldn't do it': Virgin killer's best friend reveals he warned his mother about disturbing Facebook post months ago&quot;], ''Daily Mail'' (May 29, 2014)

* Elliot Rodger was trying to act out the role of a film star when he went on his killing spree – to make up for the fact he felt like a failure in real life. Clearly he did not feel he had the status he deserved. In his last YouTube video, which he explicitly filmed to leave a legacy, he casts himself as a movie star. In another of his clips he appears to reference the film ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'', and it might be that he has taken the main character, Patrick Bateman, as a role model. Bateman, played by Christian Bale, is a successful Wall Street banker who picks up women and then butchers them after sex. The irony is that Bale’s character is both sexually successful and a killer. But for Rodger, his sexual frustration was the driving force behind the anger. However, both share deep feelings of sexual desire for women and aggression towards them.
** Dr Adam Lankford, [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2638528/He-mimicked-America-Psycho-wanted-star-Killer-virgin-acted-film-role-felt-like-failure-reality-says-criminologist.html &quot;He mimicked American psycho - he wanted to be a star: Analysis by Dr Adam Lankford&quot;], ''Mail Online'' (May 24, 2014)

* I first met him when he was aged eight or nine and I could see then that there was something wrong with him. I'm not a psychologist, but looking back now he strikes me as someone who was broken from the moment of conception. It appeared to me that he had an overwhelming lack of confidence but not in a particularly endearing way. Sad, but not endearing. You were hoping that inside there was a normal kid wanting to come out - that he would overcome his shyness and bloom in some way. What became evident, only after reading the manifesto and watching that video, was that what he was actually hiding was this horribly twisted little monster.
** Dale Launer, [http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-28197785 &quot;How I tried to help Elliot Rodger&quot;], ''BBC News'' (July 9, 2014)

* When you go to sleep normally you have a nightmare and you wake up and oh, everything is OK. No, I go to sleep, I might have a nice dream, and then I wake up and slowly the truth of what happened dawns on me. And that is that my son was a mass murderer.
** Peter Rodger, as quoted in Javier Panzar, &quot;Elliot Rodger's dad to Barbara Walters: 'My son was a mass murderer'&quot;, ''LA Times'' (June 26, 2014)

* The autobiography the young man posted online that day is notable for its shallowness and its entitlement. Those are harsh words, but there’s no other way to describe his utter lack of empathy, imagination and engagement with the life of others. He’s often described as mentally ill, but he seems instead to be someone who was exceptionally susceptible to the madness of the society around him. His misogyny was our culture’s misogyny. His sad dream of becoming wealthy, admired and sexually successful was a banal, widely marketed dream. His preoccupation with brand-name products and status symbols was exactly what the advertising industry tries to inject into our minds. His fantasy of attaining power and status at the point of a gun is the fantasy sold to us by the gun lobby and the action movies in which some invulnerable superman unerringly shoots down the bad guys, a god made a god by his gun.
** Rebecca Solnit, [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/23/one-year-isla-vista-massacre-victim-father-gun-control One year after the Isla Vista massacre, a father's gun control mission is personal], ''The Guardian'' (May 23, 2015)

* The kid was crazy and crazy people do crazy things, there was the opportunity to stop it, he [Mr Rodger] is just another Hollywood bullshitter. He said he was going to do all these things for mental health and I don’t get a sense he’s doing a thing... Two days before his interview, his wife [Elliot’s stepmother Soumaya Akaaboune] was advertising not only that, but his pictures on Facebook. She said something like: &quot;Peter’s going to be interviewed by Barbara Walters and, oh by the way, here’s a link if you want to check out his photography&quot;... I don’t think he gives a s***. Unlike me, he’s probably glad to be rid of that kid. But I had a great kid, the best daughter you could imagine, I miss her every second. His kid was a pain in the ass that he shipped off to Santa Barbara to get him out of his life. He’s probably happy... He’s never sent me a letter of condolence, he’s never sent me a card, he’s never tried to reach out to me. He gave me the creeps the moment I saw him. What does it make you think of the stereotype of Hollywood? Peter Rodger has been on TV saying he was going to do this and that, but what’s he done?
** Bob Weiss, as quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3093030/You-blame-not-son-just-Hollywood-bulls-er-Heartsick-dad-19-year-old-murdered-virgin-killer-Elliott-Rodger-blasts-Hunger-Games-director-anniversary-massacre.html 'You're to blame, not your son, you're just another Hollywood bulls****er': Heartsick dad of 19-year-old murdered by virgin killer Elliott Rodger blasts Hunger Games director on anniversary of massacre], ''Mail Online'' (May 22, 2015)

== External links ==
* [http://www.scribd.com/doc/225936731/Untitled &quot;My Twisted World&quot; (autobiography)]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rodger, Elliot}}
[[Category:1991 births]]
[[Category:2014 deaths]]
[[Category:Mass murderers]]
[[Category:Suicides]]
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      <text bytes="31727" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Elliot Rodger|Elliot Rodger]]''' ([[July 24]], [[1991]] – [[May 23]], [[2014]]) was an American spree killer, perpetrator of the [[w:2014 Isla Vista killings|2014 Isla Vista killings]].

== Quotes ==

===Bodybuilding.com, PUAhate and ForeverAlone posts===

* Shoes won’t help you get white girls. White girls are disgusted by you, silly little Asian.
** As quoted in Josh Glasstetter, &quot;Elliot Rodger, Isla Vista Shooting Suspect, Posted Racist Messages on Misogynistic Website&quot;, ''Hatewatch'' (May 24, 2014)

* Full Asian men are disgustingly ugly and white girls would never go for you. You’re just butthurt that you were born as an asian piece of shit, so you lash out by linking these fake pictures. You even admit that you wish you were half white. You’ll never be half-white and you’ll never fulfill your dream of marrying a white woman. I suggest you jump off a bridge.
** As quoted in Josh Glasstetter, &quot;Elliot Rodger, Isla Vista Shooting Suspect, Posted Racist Messages on Misogynistic Website&quot;, ''Hatewatch'' (May 24, 2014)

* Men shouldn't have to look and act like big, animalistic beasts to get women. The fact that women still prioritize brute strength just shows that their minds haven't fully evolved.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* Women are not drawn to indicators of evolutionary fitness. If they were, they'd be all over me.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* Never insult the style of Elliot Rodger. I’m the most stylish person in the world. Just look at my profile pic. That’s just one of my fabulous outfits. The sweater I’m wearing in the picture is $500 from Neiman Marcus.
** As quoted in Nicky Woolf, &quot;'PUAhate' and 'ForeverAlone': inside Elliot Rodger's online life&quot;, ''The Guardian'' (May 30, 2014)

* If we can’t solve our problems we must DESTROY our problems... One day incels will realise their true strength and numbers and will overthrow this oppressive feminist system. Start envisioning a world where WOMEN FEAR YOU.
** As quoted in Rhys Blakely, &quot;‘I will be a god. I will slaughter you like animals’&quot;, ''The Australian'' (July 19, 2014)

===''My Twisted World'' (2014)===
==== Thoughts at 14 ====

* The boys in my grade talked about sex a lot. Some of them even told me that they had sex with their girlfriends. This was the most devastating and traumatizing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Boys having sex at my age of Fourteen? I couldn’t fathom it. How is it that they were able to have such intimate and pleasurable experiences with girls while I could only fantasize about it? I frequently started asking myself. This was an all-boys school… How in the hell were those boys even able to meet girls to have sex with? I wondered. I hoped they were lying. I hoped against all hope.  [...] and one of my obnoxious classmates named Jesse was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend. I defiantly told him that I didn’t believe him, so he played a voice recording of what sounded like him and his girlfriend having sex. I could hear a girl saying his name over and over again while she panted franticly. He grinned at me smugly. I felt so inferior to him, and I hated him.

==== Thoughts at 17 ====
* I began to have fantasies of becoming very powerful and stopping everyone from having sex. I wanted to take their sex away from them, just like they took it away from me. I saw sex as an evil and barbaric act, all because I was unable to have it. This was the major turning point. My anger made me stronger inside. This was when I formed my ideas that sex should be outlawed. It is the only way to make the world a fair and just place. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. That’s the conclusion I came to, right then and there.

* I spent more time studying the world, seeing the world for the horrible, unfair place it is. I then had the revelation that just because I was condemned to suffer a life of loneliness and rejection, doesn’t mean I am insignificant. I have an exceptionally high level of intelligence. I see the world differently than anyone else. Because of all of the injustices I went through and the worldview I developed because of them, I must be destined for greatness. I must be destined to change the world, to shape it into an image that suits me!

==== Thoughts at 18 ====
===== Hope =====
* That [Lottery] ticket, of course, didn’t win. And neither would any of the tickets I buy after it, but they would give me hope.

* &quot;Maybe if I built muscles, girls will be attracted to me&quot;, I hopefully proclaimed to myself.

===== Forgiveness =====
* What was seen can never be unseen, and I will never forget it, nor will I forgive it.

==== Thoughts at 19 ====
===== Understanding of Relationships =====
* He was my comrade in virginity, for he too didn’t get any attention from girls, and I’m sure he suffered from it, but not as much as I did. I was very perplexed as to why he didn’t feel any anger towards girls for denying him sex.

===== Quitting World of Warcraft =====
* But that was only a small part of the reason why I quit. The main reason was the disturbing new player-base. The game got bigger with every new expansion that was released, and as it got bigger, it brought in a vast amount of new players. I noticed that more and more “normal” people who had active and pleasurable social lives were starting to play the game, as the new changes catered to such a crowd. WoW no longer became a sanctuary where I could hide from the evils of the world, because the evils of the world had now followed me there. I saw people bragging online about their sexual experiences with girls... and they used the term “virgin” as an insult to people who were more immersed in the game than them. The insult stung, because it was true. Us virgins did tend to get more immersed in such things, because our real lives were lacking. I couldn’t stand to play WoW knowing that my enemies, the people I hate and envy so much for having sexual lives, were now playing the same game as me. There was no point anymore. I realized what a terrible mistake I made to turn my back on the world again. The world is brutal, and I need to fight for my place in it. My life was at a crucial turning point, and I couldn’t waste any more precious time.

===== Compliments =====
* A few family friends complimented my appearance, and that made me feel a bit better about myself. It is so peculiar how a simple smile or a compliment can completely change how I feel about the world for a few moments.

===== Longing =====
* I excused myself as soon as I finished eating, and boy did I stuff myself on that meal. I then walked outside onto the beach. The wine had long since gone to my head, making me feel a sense of dizzy invigoration. I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so... romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only thing I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl by my side. It is such a shameful tragedy.
** I ended up walking for two hours, and at the end of it I was crying to myself because I felt so sad.

* I did, however, pass by one young girl, and she was like a goddess who came down from heaven. She was walking alone, in her bathing suit, with her luscious blonde hair blowing in the wind. I couldn’t help but slyly admire her beauty as we passed by each other. I was scared. I was scared that she might view me as nothing but an inferior insect who’s presence ruins her atmosphere. Her beauty was intoxicating! And then, just as we passed each other, she actually looked at me. She looked at me and smiled. Most girls never even deigned to look at me, and this one actually looked at me and smiled. I had never felt so euphoric in my life. One smile. One smile was all it took to brighten my entire day. The power that beautiful women have is unbelievable. They can temporarily turn a desperate boy’s whole world around just by smiling.

==== 19-22, UC Santa Barbara ====
===== Racial Superiority =====
* How could an inferior, ugly black boy be able to get a white girl and not me? I am beautiful, and I am half white myself. I am descended from British aristocracy. He is descended from slaves. I deserve it more.

===== Alcohol =====
*  In that college town, everyone went out with at least a little alcohol in their system. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but drinking alcohol always helped me with being more confident and sociable. On weekend nights, I took a few shots from my vodka bottle and set out on walks around the town, desperately hoping that I would stumble across some opportunity to make friends. I often ended up sitting alone at some café, hoping girls would talk to me before I sobered up. No girl ever did. I then went back home to lie in my bed alone.

=====Permavirgin=====
* I eventually grew to hate him after I heard him having sex with my sister. I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. 

===== Only documented approach of a Woman in Autobiography =====
* One time, as I was walking across the huge bridge that connected the two campuses, I passed by a girl I thought was pretty and said “Hi” as we neared each other. She kept on walking and didn’t even have the grace to respond to me. How dare she! That foul bitch. I felt so humiliated that I went to one of the school bathrooms, locked myself in a toilet stall, and cried for an hour.

===== Inceldom =====
* I spent the rest of the night pondering over what was in store for me at that point in life. I was no longer a teenager, and I’ll never be able to experience having sex as a teenager.

*On the second day, they started inviting their equally rowdy friends into my apartment, and we exchanged more small talk. To my indignant surprise, they asked me the question I always dreaded answering: “Are you a virgin?” I admitted that I was a virgin. I always admitted the truth about this. It was my life struggle, and I couldn’t lie about such a thing.

* It was that pathetic feeling of not having a hot girlfriend on my arm while some other boys in the theatre did. What I truly wanted... what I truly NEEDED, was a girlfriend. I needed a girl’s love. I needed to feel worthy as a male. For so long I have felt worthless, and it’s all girls’ fault. No girl wanted to be my girlfriend.

* A man having a beautiful girl by his side shows the world that he is worth something, because obviously that beautiful girl sees some sort of worth in him

===== Perspective on incelness =====
* As the phrase that I had coined goes: If I cannot join them, I will rise above them; and if I cannot rise above them, I will destroy them.

* I have always had a penchant for luxury, opulence, and prestige

* The Spring of 2013 was also the time when I came across the website PUAHate.com. It is a forum full of men who are starved of sex, just like me ... though unlike me they would be too cowardly to act on it.

* In late June, my mother moved out of the Summit Town Homes and bought a house in West Hills. It was the first time my mother bought a house, as she had only rented in the past. The house had recently undergone a renovation, so it was practically brand new. The house had a swimming pool and was located in a nice enough area, though I would have still preferred it if my mother had gotten married to a wealthy man and moved into a mansion. I still continued to pester her to do this, and she still stubbornly refused. I will always resent my mother for refusing to do this. If not for her sake, she should have done it for mine. Joining a family of great wealth would have truly saved my life. I would have a high enough status to attract beautiful girlfriends and live above all of my enemies. All of my horrific troubles would have been eased instantly. It is very selfish of my mother to not consider this.

* I have lived such an unnatural life, devoid of love, sex, and pleasure.

===== Building to Violence =====
* I had never been a violent person in nature, but after building up so much hatred over the years, I realized that I wouldn’t hesitate to kill or even torture my hated enemies if I was given the opportunity.

*  I ordered my coffee and sat down on one of their chairs to relax. A few moments later, when I looked up from my drink, I saw a young couple standing in line. The two of them were kissing passionately. The boy looked like an obnoxious punk; he was tall and wore baggy pants. The girl was a pretty blonde! They looked like they were in the throes of passionate sexual attraction to each other, rubbing their bodies together and tongue kissing in front of everyone. I was absolutely livid with envious hatred. When they left the store I followed them to their car and splashed my coffee all over them.

*  A tall, blonde, jock-type guy walked into one of the restaurants, and at his side was one of the sexiest girls I had ever seen... I followed them in my car for a few minutes, and when they entered a less inhabited area I opened my window and splashed my iced tea all over them.

* I walked into the range, rented a handgun from the ugly old redneck cashier, and started to practice shooting at paper targets. As I fired my first few rounds, I felt so sick to the stomach. I questioned my whole life, and I looked at the gun in front of me and asked myself “What am I doing here? How could things have led to this?” I couldn’t believe my life was actually turning out this way. There I was, practicing shooting with real guns because I had a plan to carry out a massacre. Why did things have to be this way, I silently questioned myself as I looked at the handgun I was holding in front of me. I paid my fee and left the range within minutes, feeling as if I was going to be sick.

* My first act of preparation was the purchase my first handgun. I did this quickly and hastily, at a local gun shop called Goleta Gun and Supply. I had already done some research on handguns, and I decided to purchase the Glock 34 semiautomatic pistol, an efficient and highly accurate weapon. I signed all of the papers and was told that my pickup day was in mid-December. That fell in nicely, because that was when I was planning on staying in Santa Barbara till. After I picked up the handgun, I brought it back to my room and felt a new sense of power. I was now armed. Who’s the alpha male now, bitches?

* I concluded that women are flawed. There is something mentally wrong with the way their brains are wired, as if they haven’t evolved from animal-like thinking. They are incapable of reason or thinking rationally. They are like animals, completely controlled by their primal, depraved emotions and impulses. That is why they are attracted to barbaric, wild, beast-like men. They are beasts themselves. Beasts should not be able to have any rights in a civilized society. If their wickedness is not contained, the whole of humanity will be held back from advancement to a more civilized state. Women should not have the right to choose who to mate with. That choice should be made for them by civilized men of intelligence. If women had the freedom to choose which men to mate with, like they do today, they would breed with stupid, degenerate men, which would only produce stupid, degenerate offspring. This in turn would hinder the advancement of humanity. Not only hinder it, but devolve humanity completely. Women are like a plague that must be quarantined. When I came to this brilliant, pefect revelation, I felt like everything was now clear to me, in a bitter, twisted way. I am one of the few people on {{sic}} this world who has the intelligence to see this. I am like a god, and my purpose is to exact ultimate Retribution on all of the impurities I see in the world.

* I came across this Asian guy who was talking to a white girl. The sight of that filled me with rage. I always felt as if white girls thought less of me because I was half-Asian, but then I see this white girl at the party talking to a full-blooded Asian. I never had that kind of attention from a white girl! And white girls are the only girls I’m attracted to, especially the blondes. How could an ugly Asian attract the attention of a white girl, while a beautiful Eurasian like myself never had any attention from them? I thought with rage. I glared at them for a bit, and then decided I had been insulted enough. I angrily walked toward them and bumped the Asian guy aside, trying to act cocky and arrogant to both the boy and the girl. My drunken state got the better of me, and I almost fell over to the floor after a few minutes of this. They said something along the lines that I was very drunk and that I needed to get some water, so I angrily left them and went out to the front yard, where the main partying happened. Rage fumed inside me as I realized that I just walked away from that confrontation, so I rushed back into the house and spitefully insulted the Asian before walking outside again.

==== Final Days ====
*  I needed two working handguns at the same time, as that was how I planned to commit suicide; with two simultaneous shots to the head.

* Coupled with my hate-fueled eagerness to carry out my act of revenge, there was also an extreme sense of fear inside me. Part of me still didn’t want to do it. It will mean my death, and I have always been afraid of death.

* How dare those girls give their love and sex to those other men and not me, I constantly think when I see young couples. There is nowhere in the world I can go anymore. There is no more life to live. The Day of Retribution is all I have. It is the final solution to all of the injustices of this twisted world. By doing this, I will set right all of the wrongs I’ve had to face in my sorry excuse of a life.

* I am not part of the human race. Humanity has rejected me. The females of the human species have never wanted to mate with me, so how could I possibly consider myself part of humanity? Humanity has never accepted me among them, and now I know why. I am more than human. I am superior to them all. I am Elliot Rodger... Magnificent, glorious, supreme, eminent... Divine! I am the closest thing there is to a living god. Humanity is a disgusting, depraved, and evil species. It is my purpose to punish them all. I will purify the world of everything that is wrong with it. On the Day of Retribution, I will truly be a powerful god, punishing everyone I deem to be impure and depraved.

==== &quot;Epilogue&quot; ====

&lt;blockquote&gt;And that is how my tragic life ends. Who would have thought my life will turn out this way? I didn’t. There was a time when I thought this world was a good and happy place. As a child, my whole world was innocent. It wasn’t until I went through puberty and started desiring girls that my whole life turned into a living hell. I desired girls, but girls never desired me back. There is something very wrong with that. It is an injustice that cannot go unpunished. There is no way I could live a happy life with such a scenario...

... All I ever wanted was to love women, and in turn to be loved by them back. Their behavior towards me has only earned my hatred, and rightfully so! I am the true victim in all of this. I am the good guy. Humanity struck at me first by condemning me to experience so much suffering. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I didn’t start this war... I wasn’t the one who struck first... But I will finish it by striking back. I will punish everyone. And it will be beautiful. Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth.
&lt;/blockquote&gt;

==== Pastimes ====
* My initially happy interest in the game Warcraft 3 had an ominous tone to it. This was the beginning of a long relationship with the Warcraft franchise. In less than a year from that point, they would release their ultimate game, World of Warcraft, a game that I would find sanctuary in for most of my teenage years.

* [13 years old] After almost a month went by after getting World of Warcraft, I was finally able to play it. I made a WoW account with my father, and then I created my first character, a night elf druid. It really blew my mind. My first experience with WoW was like stepping into another world of excitement and adventure. It was a video game world, but they made it so realistic that it was like living another life, a more exciting life. My life was getting more and more depressing at that point, and WoW would fill in the void. It felt refreshing and relieving. I was only able to play it for a few hours for my first session. It was all I would think about when I wasn’t able to play it.

* It was too much for me to handle, and I stopped caring about my life and my future. I even stopped caring about what people thought of me. I hid myself away in the online World of Warcraft, a place where I felt comfortable and secure.

* Now that I was able to play World of Warcraft at my mother’s house with no limitations, aside from school and homework, I became very addicted to the game and my character in it. It was all I cared about.

* I withdrew further into the World of Warcraft, neglecting my homework and spending all of my free time playing it.

* While I was playing WoW after dinner at mother’s house once, I heard my sister watching the new show [[w:Avatar: The Last Airbender|Avatar: The Last Airbender]] on the television. I decided to check it out. I soon found myself really enjoying it. It was a magnificent story set in a fantasy world where people can control the power of the elements. Once I watched the first episode, I was hooked on the story. [[w:Zuko|Prince Zuko]] was my favorite character; he was a banished prince who was trying to regain his rightful place in the world. I always related to him. Avatar: The Last Airbender became my favorite T.V. show.

* These recent events cause me to withdraw even further away from the world. I drowned all of my misery in my online games. World of Warcraft was the only thing I had left to live for. My grades at Crespi dropped dramatically. I just didn’t care anymore. I hated that school. I didn’t think about my future. The only thing I gave any serious thought to was my WoW character. I had become very powerful in the game, and I was in one of the best guilds. With this guild, I participated in lots of five-hour raid events to collect better gear and armor for my character.

* I only had to be at school for three or four hours per day, and all of the work was very easy with teachers available to help me with anything. After those short school hours, I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, and I spent it playing World of Warcraft... My only social interaction was with my online friends and with James, who would occasionally come over to my house to play WoW with me.

* I had heated conflicts with Soumaya during every week that I was at father’s house. All I wanted to do was play WoW, and Soumaya strictly limited my playtime. Because my new room was just across from hers, she knew what I was doing at every single second. She was breathing down my neck the whole time. She kept making me do chores around the house. I despised doing work around the house, especially since we had a nanny who was supposed to do it. If I made a scene about doing the work, she took away my laptop for a day or two. This was the most horrible thing she could do to me, to take away my only source of joy left in the world. She sometimes did it even when father was at home, and father didn’t lift a finger to stop her.

* Halo 3 came out in November. I got my mother to buy it for me on the very day it was released. I had a lot of fun playing it while drinking the special mountain dew flavor that was released with the game; Mountain Dew Game Fuel, it was called. The game definitely lived up to its expectations, and to my surprise I found myself playing it more than [[World of Warcraft|WoW]] for the first couple of weeks.

* Everything’s better with some wine in the belly, as a famous character from Game of Thrones would say.

* I arrived at the house one day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. It reminded me of how pathetic I was, that at the age of twenty-two, I was still a virgin.

==Quotes about Rodger==
* Everyone is focusing on Elliot’s lack of success with women, but they need to appreciate he was unable to communicate with anyone. He was so shy and painfully awkward. He had a boring personality and he didn’t talk... He would never dream of approaching a girl, he just expected them to come to him, which they didn’t. Even if any of them ever had, it wouldn’t have lasted long, because he wouldn’t chat to them... He was incredibly hard work to talk to and I would always make sure Addison was there when we met up. We really had nothing to talk about. He liked computer games and skateboarding when he was younger, but that was it.
** Philip Bloeser, as quoted in Will Payne et al, [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2642748/EXCLUSIVE-I-believe-I-friends-psycho-mass-murderer-Virgin-Killers-best-friend-speaks-reveals-warned-Elliot-Rodgers-mother-disturbing-Facebook-post-months-ago.html &quot;EXCLUSIVE: 'I tried to offer him advice on talking to girls, but he wouldn't do it': Virgin killer's best friend reveals he warned his mother about disturbing Facebook post months ago&quot;], ''Daily Mail'' (May 29, 2014)

* Elliot Rodger was trying to act out the role of a film star when he went on his killing spree – to make up for the fact he felt like a failure in real life. Clearly he did not feel he had the status he deserved. In his last YouTube video, which he explicitly filmed to leave a legacy, he casts himself as a movie star. In another of his clips he appears to reference the film ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'', and it might be that he has taken the main character, Patrick Bateman, as a role model. Bateman, played by Christian Bale, is a successful Wall Street banker who picks up women and then butchers them after sex. The irony is that Bale’s character is both sexually successful and a killer. But for Rodger, his sexual frustration was the driving force behind the anger. However, both share deep feelings of sexual desire for women and aggression towards them.
** Dr Adam Lankford, [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2638528/He-mimicked-America-Psycho-wanted-star-Killer-virgin-acted-film-role-felt-like-failure-reality-says-criminologist.html &quot;He mimicked American psycho - he wanted to be a star: Analysis by Dr Adam Lankford&quot;], ''Mail Online'' (May 24, 2014)

* I first met him when he was aged eight or nine and I could see then that there was something wrong with him. I'm not a psychologist, but looking back now he strikes me as someone who was broken from the moment of conception. It appeared to me that he had an overwhelming lack of confidence but not in a particularly endearing way. Sad, but not endearing. You were hoping that inside there was a normal kid wanting to come out - that he would overcome his shyness and bloom in some way. What became evident, only after reading the manifesto and watching that video, was that what he was actually hiding was this horribly twisted little monster.
** Dale Launer, [http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-28197785 &quot;How I tried to help Elliot Rodger&quot;], ''BBC News'' (July 9, 2014)

* When you go to sleep normally you have a nightmare and you wake up and oh, everything is OK. No, I go to sleep, I might have a nice dream, and then I wake up and slowly the truth of what happened dawns on me. And that is that my son was a mass murderer.
** Peter Rodger, as quoted in Javier Panzar, &quot;Elliot Rodger's dad to Barbara Walters: 'My son was a mass murderer'&quot;, ''LA Times'' (June 26, 2014)

* The autobiography the young man posted online that day is notable for its shallowness and its entitlement. Those are harsh words, but there’s no other way to describe his utter lack of empathy, imagination and engagement with the life of others. He’s often described as mentally ill, but he seems instead to be someone who was exceptionally susceptible to the madness of the society around him. His misogyny was our culture’s misogyny. His sad dream of becoming wealthy, admired and sexually successful was a banal, widely marketed dream. His preoccupation with brand-name products and status symbols was exactly what the advertising industry tries to inject into our minds. His fantasy of attaining power and status at the point of a gun is the fantasy sold to us by the gun lobby and the action movies in which some invulnerable superman unerringly shoots down the bad guys, a god made a god by his gun.
** Rebecca Solnit, [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/23/one-year-isla-vista-massacre-victim-father-gun-control One year after the Isla Vista massacre, a father's gun control mission is personal], ''The Guardian'' (May 23, 2015)

* The kid was crazy and crazy people do crazy things, there was the opportunity to stop it, he [Mr Rodger] is just another Hollywood bullshitter. He said he was going to do all these things for mental health and I don’t get a sense he’s doing a thing... Two days before his interview, his wife [Elliot’s stepmother Soumaya Akaaboune] was advertising not only that, but his pictures on Facebook. She said something like: &quot;Peter’s going to be interviewed by Barbara Walters and, oh by the way, here’s a link if you want to check out his photography&quot;... I don’t think he gives a s***. Unlike me, he’s probably glad to be rid of that kid. But I had a great kid, the best daughter you could imagine, I miss her every second. His kid was a pain in the ass that he shipped off to Santa Barbara to get him out of his life. He’s probably happy... He’s never sent me a letter of condolence, he’s never sent me a card, he’s never tried to reach out to me. He gave me the creeps the moment I saw him. What does it make you think of the stereotype of Hollywood? Peter Rodger has been on TV saying he was going to do this and that, but what’s he done?
** Bob Weiss, as quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3093030/You-blame-not-son-just-Hollywood-bulls-er-Heartsick-dad-19-year-old-murdered-virgin-killer-Elliott-Rodger-blasts-Hunger-Games-director-anniversary-massacre.html 'You're to blame, not your son, you're just another Hollywood bulls****er': Heartsick dad of 19-year-old murdered by virgin killer Elliott Rodger blasts Hunger Games director on anniversary of massacre], ''Mail Online'' (May 22, 2015)

== External links ==
* [http://www.scribd.com/doc/225936731/Untitled &quot;My Twisted World&quot; (autobiography)]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rodger, Elliot}}
[[Category:1991 births]]
[[Category:2014 deaths]]
[[Category:Mass murderers]]
[[Category:Suicides]]
[[Category:People from London]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Niagara (1953 film)</title>
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      <text bytes="4981" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Marilyn Monroe Niagara.png|thumb|[[Marilyn Monroe]] as Rose Loomis.]]
[[File:Jean Peters mends Joseph Cotten's hand in Niagara trailer 1.jpg|thumb|Jean Peters mends Joseph Cotten's hand in Niagara]]
'''''[[:w:Niagara (1953 film)|Niagara]]''''' is a [[w:1953 in film|1953]] [[w:film noir|film noir]] in which two couples visit Niagara Falls and tensions between one wife and her husband reach the level of murder. Unlike other film noirs of the time, ''Niagara'' was filmed in [[w:Technicolor|Technicolor]] and was one of Fox's biggest box office hits of the year.
:''Directed by [[w:Henry Hathaway|Henry Hathaway]]. Written by Charles Brackett, [[w:Richard L. Breen|Richard L. Breen]], and Walter Reisch.''
{{center|'''Marilyn Monroe and &quot;Niagara&quot; a raging torrent of emotion that even nature can't control!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}}

== George Loomis ==
* Why should the Falls drag me down here at 5 o'clock in the morning? To show me how big they are and how small I am? To remind me they can get along without any help? All right, so they've proved it. But why not? They've had ten thousand years to get independent. What's so wonderful about that? I suppose I could too, only it might take a little more time.
* Too bad, they can't play it for you now, Rose.

**&quot;I met her in a beer hall.She was the most popular waitress they ever had&quot;

== Dialogue ==
:'''Customs Officer''': How long do you plan to be here?
:'''Ray''': Three days.
:'''Customs Officer''': Honeymooners?
:'''Polly''': That's right.
:'''Customs Officer''': That isn't liquor you have in that case under your coat, is it?
:'''Ray''': Uh, books. I'm going to catch up on my reading.
:'''Customs Officer''': Reading!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Polly''': Fine thing. I tell him we're on our honeymoon and you drag out a copy of [[Winston Churchill]]! He must think I'm a pretty hard article.
:'''Ray''': You should have told him we're on a delayed honeymoon.
:'''Polly''': Delayed or not, we agreed to treat it like a regular one, didn't we? ''[quick kiss]''
:'''Ray''': I'm game. And it'll be just as good as a regular honeymoon.
:'''Polly''': Well, it should be better. I've got my union card now. ''[Lascivious glance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': Let me tell you something. You're young, you're in love. Well, I'll give you a warning. Don't let it get out of hand, like those falls out there. Up above... d'you ever see the river up above the falls? It's calm, and easy, and you throw in a log, it just floats around. Let it move a little further down and it gets going faster, hits some rocks, and... in a minute it's in the lower rapids, and... nothing in the world - including God himself, I suppose - can keep it from going over the edge. It just - goes.
:'''Polly''': Don't worry. I'm one of those logs that just hang around in the calm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Polly catches Rose Loomis in a passionate embrace with her lover]''
:'''Polly''': Didn't that Mrs. Loomis say she was going shopping?
:'''Ray''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Polly''': Well, she sure got herself an armful of groceries.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ray''': ''[Upon seeing Rose Loomis in a low-cut, tight-fitting red dress]'' Hey. Get out the fire hose. ''[Pause]'' Why don't you ever get a dress like that?
:'''Polly''': Listen, for a dress like that you've got to start laying plans when you're about 13.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George''': You smell like a dime store. I know what that means.
:'''Rose''': Sure. I'm meeting somebody, just anybody handy, as long as he's a man! How 'bout the ticket seller himself? I could grab him on the way out, or one of the kids with the phonograph. Anybody suits me. Take your pick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Polly''': Goodbye Mr. Starkey, and thank you.
:'''Inspector Starkey''': I know you've seen enough of the falls for one trip, but don't cross us off your list. Goodbye.
:'''Ray''': Goodbye, and ''my'' thanks.
:'''Inspector Starkey''': I bet that was the first time anyone ever used &quot;scuttle it&quot; as a prayer.
:'''Ray''': And had it answered.

== Taglines ==
* Marilyn Monroe and &quot;Niagara&quot; a raging torrent of emotion that even nature can't control!
* A raging torrent of emotion that even nature can't control!
* Marilyn Monroe and Niagara the high water mark in suspense!

== Cast ==
* [[Marilyn Monroe]] - Rose Loomis
* [[w:Joseph Cotten|Joseph Cotten]] - George Loomis
* [[w:Jean Peters|Jean Peters]] - Polly Cutler
* [[w:Max Showalter|Max Showalter]] - Ray Cutler 
* [[w:Denis O'Dea|Denis O'Dea]] - Inspector Starkey
* Richard Allan -  Patrick
* [[w:Don Wilson (announcer)|Don Wilson]] - Mr. Kettering
* [[w:Lurene Tuttle|Lurene Tuttle]] - Mrs. Kettering
* Russell Collins - Mr. Qua
* [[w:Will Wright (actor)|Will Wright]] - Boatman

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|id=0046126|title=Niagara}}

[[Category:1953 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Film noir]]
[[Category:Thriller films]]
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    <title>Jurassic World</title>
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      <comment>/* Owen Grady */</comment>
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'''''{{w|Jurassic World}}''''' is a 2015 American science fiction film directed by [[w:Colin Trevorrow|Colin Trevorrow]]. Two decades after the events in ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]'', a new park of dinosaurs is open on Isla Nublar. However, it is thrown into chaos when the latest attraction - a new hybrid predator named the ''Indominus rex'' - breaks loose.
{{center|'''The Park is Open'''}}

== Owen Grady ==
* ''[discussing the raptors with Claire]'' See, it's all about control with you! I don't control the raptors, it's a relationship. It's based on mutual respect. That's why you and I never had a second date.
* You might have made them in a test tube, but they don't know that. They're thinking, &quot;I gotta eat. I gotta hunt. I gotta...&quot; ''[pumps the air with his fist; awkward pause]'' You can relate to at least... one of those things, right?
* ''[about the Indominus Rex escaping her paddock]'' Were you not watching? She marked up that wall as a distraction! She wanted us to think she escaped!
* Just relax. It's just like taking a stroll through the woods. 65 million years ago.
* ''[discovering Apatosaurus killed by the Indominus rex, no longer referring to the creature as female]'' It didn't eat them. It's killing for sport.
* ''[after punching Hoskins for planning to use the raptors as an ultimate weapons without his permission]'' Get the hell out of here, and stay away from my animals.
* ''['''Claire:''' so what do we do now?]'' probably stick together. for survival.

== Claire Dearing ==
* Our shareholders have been patient, but let's be honest: no one is impressed by a dinosaur anymore. Twenty years ago, de-extinction was right up there with magic. These days, kids look at a ''Stegosaurus'' like an elephant from the city zoo. That doesn't mean asset development is falling behind. Our DNA excavators discover new species every year. But consumers want them bigger, louder - &quot;more teeth&quot;. The good news? Our advances in gene splicing have opened up a whole new frontier. We've learned more from genetics in the past decade than a century of digging up bones.
* ''Indominus rex'': our first genetically modified hybrid.

== Simon Masrani ==
* The key to a happy life is to accept you are never actually in control.
* Don't forget why we built this place, Claire. Jurassic World exists to remind us how very small we are. How new. You can't put a price on that.

== Vic Hoskins ==
* Come on, we're the same. We're dogs of war. We know that the military needs to reduce casualties. Some people think that robots are the future. Look, nature gave us the most effective killing machines 75 million years ago!
* War is part of nature. Look around, Owen. Every living thing in this jungle...is trying to murder the other. Mother Nature's way of testing her creations. Refining the pecking order. War is a struggle. Struggle breeds greatness. Without that...we end up with places like this, charge seven bucks a soda.
* You're out of your mind. What are you going to do with all these people? You got 20,000 people here. What are you going to do? They have no place to go. That thing is a killing machine! And it will not stop.
* Simon Masrani's death was a tragedy. The new mission, should you choose to accept it, is to prevent further loss of life. As always, should you or any of your team members be killed or eaten, InGen will disavow all knowledge of your actions.
* ''(pointing to a computer image of the Indominus)'' Imagine. That one, a fraction of the size - deadly, intelligent, able to hide from the most advanced military technology. A living weapon unlike anything we've ever seen. You see? Millions of years of evolution ...what did we learn? Nature is the gift that just-- ''(Delta enters the room)'' Oh, shit!

== Dr. Henry Wu ==
* The Indominus wasn't bred. She was designed. She will be 50 feet long when fully grown - bigger than the T. rex.
* You know that I'm not at liberty to reveal the asset's genetic makeup. Modified animals are known to be unpredictable.
* ''[hearing that the Indominus Rex has killed people; matter-of-factly]'' That's unfortunate.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Vivian''': Did you close the deal?
:'''Claire''': Looks like it. Verizon Wireless presents the Indominous Rex.
:'''Lowery''': Ugh, that is so terrible. Why not just go the distance, and just let these corporations name the dinosaurs?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire''': ''[noticing the Jurassic Park t-shirt Lowery is wearing]'' What is that?
:'''Lowery''': Oh. I got off of eBay. Cost me $150, but the mint condition one was for $200, so, this was-
:'''Claire''': Don't you think that's in poor taste?
:'''Lowery''': I know. It was terrible. I mean, I know a lot of people died, but, that first park was just legit, you know? They didn't rely on all these genetic hybrids. They had real dinosaurs.
:'''Claire''': Just don't wear it again.
:'''Lowery''': Right. Okay, I won't.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Owen''': Blue, stand down. Stand down.
:''[Blue snaps ferociously at him]''
:'''Owen''': Hey, '''hey!''' What did I just say? Delta, I see you. Back up!
:''[Delta roars ferociously at him]''
:'''Owen''': OK, good. Good. Charlie, stay right there. Good. Close the gate.
:'''Barry''': Are you crazy?
:'''Owen''': Just trust me.
:'''Leon''': Close the gate!
:''[Barry closes the gate. Owen rolls under the gate just before it shuts]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire''': Think it'll scare the kids?
:'''Masrani''': The kids? This will give the parents nightmares.
:'''Claire''': Is that... good?
:'''Masrani''': That's ''fantastic''. Can she see us?
:'''Claire''': They say it can sense thermal radiation, like snakes.
:'''Masrani''': Say, I thought there were two of them? 
:'''Claire''': There was a sibling, in case this one didn't survive infancy...
:'''Masrani''': Where's the sibling?
:'''Claire''': She ate it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hoskins''': Drones can't search tunnels and caves. And they're hackable. The minute a real war breaks out, all that fancy tech is going to go dark.
:'''Owen''': But that tech's not going to eat them if they forget to feed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Claire''': Corporate felt genetic modification would up the &quot;wow&quot; factor.
:'''Owen''': They're dinosaurs. &quot;Wow&quot; enough.
:'''Claire''': Not according to our focus groups. The Indominus Rex makes us relevant again.
:'''Owen''': ''[chuckling]'' The &quot;Indominus Rex&quot;?
:'''Claire''': We needed something scary and easy to pronounce. You should hear a 4-year-old try to say &quot;[[w:Archaeornithomimus|Archaeornithomimus]]&quot;.
:'''Owen''': You should hear ''you'' try to say it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Owen''': Animals raised in isolation aren't always the most functional.
:'''Claire''': Your raptors are born in captivity.
:'''Owen''': With siblings. They learn social skills. And I imprint on then when they're born. There's trust. The only positive relationship this animal has is with that crane. At least she knows that means food.
:'''Claire''': So she needs a friend. We should schedule playdates? That sort of thing?
:'''Owen''': Probably not a good idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masrani''': The very existence of this park is predicated on our ability to handle incidents like this. It was an eventuality, okay?
:'''Lowery''': You should put that in the brochure. &quot;Eventually, one of these things will eat somebody.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Owen''': ''[after the ''Indominous rex'' slaughtered most of the unit that was sent to subdue her with non-lethal weaponry]'' Evacuate the island.
:'''Claire''': We'd never reopen.
:'''Owen''': You made a genetic hybrid, raised it in captivity. She is seeing all of this for the first time. ''She'' does not even know what she is. She will kill everything that moves.
:'''Masrani''': Do you think the animal is contemplating its own existence?
:'''Owen''': She is learning where she fits in the food chain and I'm not sure you want her to figure that out. Now, Asset Containment can use live ammunition in an emergency situation. You have an M-134 in your armory. Put it on a chopper and smoke this thing!
:'''Claire''': ''[defensive]'' We have families here! I'm not gonna turn this place into some kind of a war zone!
:'''Owen''': You already have.
:'''Claire''': Mr. Grady, if you're not gonna help, there's no reason for you to be in here.
:''[Owen, fed up with Claire's ridiculousness, knocks Lowery's toy dinosaurs off his desk. As he leaves, he stops to Masrani]''
:'''Owen''': I would have a word with your people in the lab. That thing out there, that's no dinosaur.
:''[Owen leaves. Claire looks at security footage on the screen]''
:'''Claire''': Okay. I'm going to close everything north of the resort. This is a Phase 1, real word. Bring everyone in. 
:'''Vivian''': This is a Phase 1, real world. I repeat, this is a Phase 1. Bring everyone back in. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Masrani''': Who authorized you to do this?
:'''Henry''': You did. &quot;Bigger&quot;, &quot;Scarier&quot;... &quot;Cooler&quot; I believe is the word that you used in your memo. You cannot have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits.
:'''Masrani''': What you're doing here... what you have done... the board will shut down this park, seize your work, everything you've built. And Hammond won't be there to protect you this time.
:'''Henry''': All of this exists because of me. If I don't innovate, somebody else will.
:'''Masrani''': You are to cease all activities here immediately.
:'''Henry''': You are acting like we are engaged in some kind of mad science. But we are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic World is natural. We have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. And, if their genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different. But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.
:'''Masrani''': I never asked for a monster!
:'''Henry''': &quot;Monster&quot; is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zach''': You see? I told you. You're welcome. Up close and personal with four... dinosauruses.
:'''Gray''': Ankylosaurus. We shouldn't be here. And there's ''5'' dinosaurs.
:'''Zach''': Aren't you supposed to be a genius or something? Look. ''[pointing at the Ankylosaurus]'' 1, 2, 3, 4.
:'''Gray''': ''[pointing nervously at the Indominus Rex's reflection on the gyrosphere glass]'' 5.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hoskins''': The mother hen has finally arrived.
:''[Owen punches him]''
:'''Zach and Gray''': Oh!
:'''Owen''': Get the hell out of here, and stay away from my animals.
:'''Claire''': Hoskins, you ''wanted'' this to happen, you S.O.B.!
:'''Hoskins''': God! Jesus. How many more people have to die before this mission starts to make sense to you?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Barry''': ''[referring to the raptors and the Indominus]'' Something's wrong. They're communicating.
:'''Owen''': ''[upon realization]'' I know why they didn't tell us what it's made of.
:'''Barry''': Why?
:'''Owen''': That thing's part raptor!

== Cast ==
* '''[[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]]''' — Owen Grady
* '''[[Bryce Dallas Howard]]''' — Claire Dearing
* '''[[w:Vincent D'onofrio|Vincent D'Onofrio]]''' — Vic Hoskins
* '''[[w:Ty Simpkins|Ty Simpkins]]''' — Gray Mitchell
* '''[[w:Nick Robinson (American actor)|Nick Robinson]]''' — Zach Mitchell
* '''[[Jake Johnson]]''' — Lowery Cruthers
* '''[[w:Omar Sy|Omar Sy]]''' — Barry Sembène
* '''[[w:BD Wong|B. D. Wong]]''' — Dr. Henry Wu
* '''[[w:Judy Greer|Judy Greer]]''' — Karen Mitchell
* '''[[w:Irrfan Khan|Irrfan Khan]]''' — Simon Masrani
* '''[[w:Brian Tee|Brian Tee]]''' — Hamada
* '''[[Katie McGrath]]''' — Zara Young
* '''[[w:Lauren Lapkus|Lauren Lapkus]]''' — Vivian Krill
* '''[[w:Andy Buckley|Andy Buckley]]''' — Scott Mitchell
* '''[[Jimmy Fallon|Jimmy Fallon — Himself]]'''
* '''[[w:Colin Trevorrow|Colin Trevorrow]]''' — Mr. DNA &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;

==Quotes about ''Jurassic World''==
*The fact that ''Jurassic Park 4'' is supposed to feature naked dinosaurs—contrary to the overwhelming evidence science has to offer—confirms that many paleo fans of my generation and older prefer the comfort of recognizable pseudo-dinos to the more realistic ones paleontologists are reviving.
** Brian Switek, &quot;What Happened to My Brontosaurus?&quot;, ''Slate'' (April 16, 2013)
* I grew up on these movies. So did you, and so did a lot of us. We have a certain love for this stuff that is unique in our generation. And I recognize that. Yet, my biggest fear going into this was it was going to be fan fiction; that it was going to be some kind of carbon copy of this thing that I love. If anybody wants to insult me or make me feel terrible, they'll say ,&quot;It's just a giant rip-off of Jurassic Park.&quot;
* Bryce's character was a challenge, because she's the one who really changes over the course. The two boys, making sure that didn't dip into… the saccharine… was a tough balance. Pratt was pretty awesome from start to finish. This guy's rad. I felt like there was… On a story level it was a challenge for me to make some of the moves we were making. I follow your website and I know how people respond to the idea of a guy who trains raptors. I knew how that was going to shake out and I knew what we were going to do in the story. But I didn't want to reveal any of that. So you kinda have to take some hits. You have to take some bullets for the movie and be like, &quot;Yep, yep. They're just friendly raptors the whole time.
** Colin Trevorrow [http://www.firstshowing.net/2015/interview-jurassic-world-director-colin-trevorrow-talks-dino-love/]
* Yes, there will be one new dinosaur created by the park’s geneticists. The gaps in her sequence were filled with DNA from other species, much like the genome in the first film was completed with frog DNA. This creation exists to fulfill a corporate mandate—they want something bigger, louder, with more teeth. And that’s what they get. I know the idea of a modified dinosaur put a lot of fans on red alert, and I understand it. But we aren’t doing anything here that Crichton didn’t suggest in his novels. This animal is not a mutant freak. It doesn’t have a snake’s head or octopus tentacles. It’s a dinosaur, created in the same way the others were, but now the genetics have gone to the next level. For me, it’s a natural evolution of the technology introduced in the first film. Maybe it sounds crazy, but most of my favorite movies sound crazy when you describe them in a single sentence. … We’re trying to tell a bold new story that doesn’t rely on a proven formula, because the movies we watch over and over again are the ones that surprised us, that worked when they shouldn’t have. I understand the risks of leaving the safe zone. We’ve all been disappointed by new installments of the stories we love. But with all this talk of filmmakers “ruining our childhood”, we forget that right now is someone else’s childhood. This is their time. And I have to build something that can take them to the same place those earlier films took us. It may not happen in the same way everyone expects it to, but it’s the way I believe it needs to happen.
** Colin Trevorrow [http://www.slashfilm.com/wtf-jurassic-park-4-almost-featured-human-dino-hybrids-the-karate-kid-iii-planned-as-kung-fu-flick-with-flying-people/]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|0369610|Jurassic World}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|jurassic_world|Jurassic World}}

[[Category:2015 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Jurassic Park films|4]]
[[Category:Films set on islands]]
[[Category:Dinosaur films]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again when she is satisfied and made them suffer against Tiberius]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': Okay mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' '''WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!'''
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Wait a minute. ''[[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming]]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Drake''': How'd you get our stuff back?
:'''Walter''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Audrey''': It was broken down half a mile up the street.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''':  ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

===Megan's First Kiss===
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!

===Helicopter===
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again when she is satisfied and made them suffer against Tiberius]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': Okay mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' '''WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!'''
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Wait a minute. ''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Drake''': How'd you get our stuff back?
:'''Walter''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Audrey''': It was broken down half a mile up the street.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''':  ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

===Megan's First Kiss===
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!

===Helicopter===
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again when she is satisfied and made them suffer against Tiberius]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': Okay mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' '''WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!'''
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Wait a minute. 
''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Drake''': How'd you get our stuff back?
:'''Walter''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Audrey''': It was broken down half a mile up the street.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''':  ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

===Megan's First Kiss===
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!

===Helicopter===
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>kkb8kzb08cpsaiyt9f92k5jeq8d8bxg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User talk:GreenMeansGo</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>179868</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150220</id>
      <parentid>3149298</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:21:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Edit warring */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="53569" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>cw9akxfn0ch3ltapp0822eskoklmr7s</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150325</id>
      <parentid>3150220</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:04:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Category:Slurs */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="54036" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>8s1aby9nbi48b5e4evn0hvx41sjsbi1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150329</id>
      <parentid>3150325</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:05:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Lack of Notability */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="54373" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>194dgfi7o9sskbiv84paogz0wqfq01c</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150332</id>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Edit warring */ re</comment>
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==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>2nsz41vqhj4xx913w5kkwikfx19qfje</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150377</id>
      <parentid>3150332</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:20:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55162" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>g3msfy69lcg2yz5wtupy1q5koc3whi3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150378</id>
      <parentid>3150377</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:21:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55403" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

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/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
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== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>n6t1k9ibiozf8f8z22v2rkj3uv9pecz</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150380</id>
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        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55711" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
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|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
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==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>6gqy02oheqhl230mn7nntn6dhgia5bl</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150381</id>
      <parentid>3150380</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:36:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="56220" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>g7tyk56cc4df4jnj00qt58vpkxv0bqv</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150383</id>
      <parentid>3150381</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:46:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="56514" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>t50l46kd5zvil9o46b860pfkkcal2x0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150449</id>
      <parentid>3150383</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:28:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="56931" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::@[[User:GreenMeansGo|GreenMeansGo]] Hi again, please could you revert [[Joe Biden]] back to this [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Joe_Biden&amp;oldid=3138344] diff from early July, it appears that the Longquote ‎template you just deleted was added to one article. I tried to do it but was disallowed by an edit filter. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>qm1lnrsh0a5hhu0thc4xk05l0dqfcoi</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150458</id>
      <parentid>3150449</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:38:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ sighing intensifies.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="57333" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::@[[User:GreenMeansGo|GreenMeansGo]] Hi again, please could you revert [[Joe Biden]] back to this [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Joe_Biden&amp;oldid=3138344] diff from early July, it appears that the Longquote ‎template you just deleted was added to one article. I tried to do it but was disallowed by an edit filter. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::::This is a god awful mess. Two score friggin VfDs because somebody wanted to experiment with templates and modules. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>81p0gywin3fa5fwufn882uo9xe2jk0m</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150470</id>
      <parentid>3150458</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:54:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="59057" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

{{closed|name=2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156|text=
2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
}}

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::@[[User:GreenMeansGo|GreenMeansGo]] Hi again, please could you revert [[Joe Biden]] back to this [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Joe_Biden&amp;oldid=3138344] diff from early July, it appears that the Longquote ‎template you just deleted was added to one article. I tried to do it but was disallowed by an edit filter. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::::This is a god awful mess. Two score friggin VfDs because somebody wanted to experiment with templates and modules. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Yes, it is a mess, and it's going to take a lot of work to clean up.
*:::::I'll help with the clean-up as best I am able, removing deleted templates and tagging left over junk for speedy deletion (the category is getting a bit full  btw), but removing 220 odd templates from an article when those templates should never have been added in the first place is too much to do manually, especially on an article that we really can't leave broken for days on end while people fix it, a rollback is the only real solution there. Luckily apart from the templates being added the only other edits were the addition of 1 quote and some vandalism that hadn't been reverted.
*:::::I just figured out what that really weird long quote template was too and why it had such a weird setup [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote%3AVotes_for_deletion%2FTemplate%3ALongquote-line&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=3150454&amp;oldid=3149082]. After being told not to add [[Template:Blockquote]] to that article they created [[Template:Longquote]] as a secret version of the same thing that only displayed to them, that's why it had the really weird &quot;need to modify your personal CSS files to get it to work&quot; setup. It was done deliberately so other editors wouldn't notice them adding it to articles.
*:::::My next project is going to be localising and rationalising the mess of imported cleanup templates, because a lot of them are just direct copy pastes from the English Wikipedia and don't really work or make sense here. I've started a discussion about {{tl|cleanup}} at the village pump to try to get some direction on what would work best for this project. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:54, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>4lq61mz4mu5zvx3xee6l005520dyusl</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Template:Ice Age</title>
    <ns>10</ns>
    <id>183586</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150340</id>
      <parentid>3141199</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:17:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>{{vfd-new}}</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2207" xml:space="preserve">&lt;noinclude&gt;{{italic title}}{{Wikipedia|Template:Ice Age}}&lt;/noinclude&gt;{{clear}}
{|style=&quot;margin:1em auto; width:800px;background-color:#2d9edf;&quot;
|-
|style=background:#1e5cb3 align=center valign=middle colspan=2 height=45px|[[File:Ice Age logo.svg|125px|center]]
|-
|style=background:#4684db align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:white;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Feature&amp;nbsp;films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:white|&lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;span style=&quot;color:navy;&quot;&gt;''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;Ice Age&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2002)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;The Meltdown&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2006)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;Dawn of the Dinosaurs&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2009)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;Continental Drift&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2012)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course|Collision Course]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2016)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2022)&lt;/small&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:#4684db align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:white;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Short&amp;nbsp;films&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:white|&lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;span style=&quot;color:navy;&quot;&gt;''[[Gone Nutty]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2002)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[No Time for Nuts]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2006)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Surviving Sid]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2008)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2015)&lt;/small&gt; &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|-
|style=background:#4684db align=right|&lt;small&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:white;&quot;&gt;'''&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;Television&amp;nbsp;specials&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|style=background:white|&lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp; &lt;span style=&quot;color:navy;&quot;&gt;''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;A Mammoth Christmas&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2011)&lt;/small&gt; '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#2d9edf;&quot;&gt;The Great Egg-Scapade&lt;/span&gt;]]'' &lt;small&gt;&amp;nbsp;(2016)&lt;/small&gt; &amp;nbsp;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
|}&lt;noinclude&gt;[[Category:Navigational templates]]&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>ge1hms3smnwqvfbpl9xzmiho0l3hhyu</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>JumpStart Adventures 4th Grade: Haunted Island</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>185806</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150505</id>
      <parentid>3129348</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:48:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.224.128.18</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18515" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:JumpStart Adventures 4th Grade: Haunted Island|JumpStart Adventures 4th Grade: Haunted Island]]''''' is a computer game created by Knowledge Adventure.

==Dialogue==
(introduction, original version)
:'''Flap''': Well, hello. What a nice specimen you'll make. [Chuckles] Oh, wait! I didn't recognize you. You're one of the kids, aren't you? Oh, I'm so glad you've come! Ms. Grunkle, the substitute teacher, really did a number this time! She cast a spell on all your classmates, turned them into monsters, and brought them to this creepy island. Boy, are you lucky you missed that day of class! Ms. Grunkle locked the kids in the attic of her house on the other side of the island. I managed to escape, but she's hot on my trail, so I have to keep a low profile. That's why you're here. The kids need your help! Ms. Grunkle has hidden all of the kids' most prized possessions all around the island, and we need them to break the spell that turned the kids into monsters. You're the only one who knows the kids well enough to find their objects and rescue them from this island, but you'll need a little help. Go see Madame Pomreeda in the cart back there. She knows all and tells all, and she can help you find the objects. I'd better go now, Ms. Grunkle could show up at any moment, but if you need me, just click on the bat down there, and I'll find you. I know this island like the back of my wing. Oh! There are a couple of other things you should know. You can tap into Madame Pomreeda's senses from anywhere on the island. Just click on the crystal ball. If you want to see how your classmates are doing, click on the yearbook. You can see which kids you freed from their spells. As you travel around the island and solve the riddles and challenges that Ms. Grunkle has set up, you'll earn keys that will let you enter Ms. Grunkle's house. The number of keys you have will be indicated on the key down there. Every five thousand points will earn you a new key. Ms. Grunkle has set up all kinds of obstacles to challenge her little monsters to finally get them to learn. If you ever need to make them easier or harder, hold down your control key and press the letter L. You can adjust any game to the level you wish. Finally, you'll need to move quickly. There is only one candle per visitor on this island. If your candle burns out, you'll be cast into the labyrinth, and who knows what'll happen there. Good luck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
(introduction, revised version)
:'''Flap''': Well, hello. What a nice specimen you'll make. [Chuckles] Oh, I didn't recognize you. You're one of the kids, aren't you? Ms. Grunkle, the evil substitute teacher, really did a number on your classmates! She turned them all into monsters. Aren't you lucky you missed that day of class! Ms. Grunkle has locked everyone in the attic of her house, and that's why you're here. Your friends need you to rescue them! All of their most prized possessions are hidden about the island, and you need to find them to break Ms. Grunkle's spells. Go see Madame Pomreeda in the cart back there. She knows all and tells all, and she can help you find their lost objects. Well, I'd better get flying, but if you need me, just click on the bat down there. I'll find you. I know this island like the back of my wing! Oh yes, there are a couple of other things you should know. You can always tap into Madame Pomreeda's senses by clicking on the crystal ball below. If you need to see how you and your classmates are doing, click on the yearbook. Move fast around the island, because if your candle goes out, whoosh! You will be cast into Ms. Grunkle's dark labyrinth. The map scroll down there will help you find your way around, for a slight fee. [Chuckles] It will transport you to where you want to go. As you travel around the island, solving the riddles and challenges, you'll earn keys that will let you enter Ms. Grunkle's house. The number of keys you have will be indicated down there. For every five thousand points, you'll get a new key. You'll need twenty-five keys to enter Ms. Grunkle's house. Ms. Grunkle has set up all kinds of challenges for you to conquer. If you ever need to make your lessons easier or harder, just click on her hat down there. You can adjust any game to the level you wish. Good luck, and happy haunting…ah, ehehe…I mean, hunting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
(when the player enters Pomreeda's cart for the first time)
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Oh, I'm so glad you've come. I've been expecting you. The children certainly need your help. Can you believe that dreadful Ms. Grunkle had turned those sweet, innocent children into monsters by depriving them of their favorite possessions? Didn't need a crystal ball to see that one was trouble. Fortunately, I've found some magic cards that will help us bring them back. Each card describes a mission. Ms. Grunkle has hidden four of the children's most prized possessions all around the island. When you complete a mission, the card will display one of these objects. Return here to get another card and begin a new mission. When the child's possessions are completely restored, she will be a monster no more. Let us begin. 

:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Hocus pocus, ivy crocus, bring the next kid into focus. Oh, dear. A tragic case! Wolfgang loved his music so. Now that Ms. Grunkle has deprived him of it, he's become quite a hairy werewolf. You must restore him. Let's see the cards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Repsac''': Boo! (Laughing) Boo! I am the keeper of the island, Ms. Grunkle's loyal servant. You must solve my riddle, or risk your health. Which of the following is a sentence? You're right. But I'll stump you next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Flap''': Oh, My! You found the Haunted Clock Tower. Legend has it, a family of hunchbacks lives here guarding the tower from the Truros. At night, you could hear mysterious music echoing throughout the Island. Music calms the horrible beast they say, Hope they're right.
:'''Semimoto''': Sanctuary, Sanctuary! Did I scare you? Nah. My dad would've scared you. Yeah. (Laughing) He said he let's you play the tower chimes, if I finish the music lesson. Can you help me?
:'''Flap''': In this game, you could help Semimoto here play the right notes on his keyboard. But pay attention, 3 Wrong notes, and you'll have to start again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': A violin, a harp. A flute, a metronome. Hmm. A virtual symphony of clues. No doubt this werewolf is really a musician. Well, I'm sure my spell book contains just the right notes to create some beautiful harmony. Begone, you Werewolf, you are way off key, Your loud howls and growls are no melody. Your evil ways prove you don't know the score, Be still, be silent, perform nevermore. Swirl, musical notes, pound, echoing drums. The magic music plays, the real truth comes. Werewolf, it's done. It's the end of your songs! Wolfgang returns to the form he belongs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Paint box, a palette, frame, easel... I can draw but one conclusion: Hidden in the scary head of Medusa, I can see the picture of a true artist. Well, when it comes to undoing spells, I'm an artist, too. Colors bright and colors glistening, Colors everywhere, be listening. Come repaint this ugly creature, Change the shape of every feature. Restore the talent she once had, In with the good and out with the bad. Medusa's reign will henceforth cease. I bring you Violet, my masterpiece!
:'''Ms. Grunkle''': No one goes up against Ms. Grunkle and suceeds. I will get you. You just wait and see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': A compass, a calculator, an abacus, and a pair of glasses. Hmm... I compute that this gooey brain creature is really a math genius. Well, I'm sure my spell book has his number. Let me see...hmm...ah, yes. The perfect formula! First, begin with a zero and add a few, Divide by three and multiply by two. Then line up the numerals row by row, A touch of witch-dust makes the total grow. Subtract, divide, and stir in a fraction. The power of math begins the action. The sum of all equals magic so true, Here is the answer: the Albert we knew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mrs. Grunkle''': So, at last we meet in my domain. Rather brave, aren't you? I must admit, I never thought you'd get this far. But no matter. It's just a shame you missed that fateful day when all of your classmates turned to monsters. Now it's your turn, but not until I have some fun with you first. Out, I say, out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': A monarch's crown. A priceless necklace. A lush bouquet. And a royal scepter. Ooh. From the look of these, this ugly warthog was once a beauty queen. Ah. Well, this is going to take more than a little lipstick and eye shadow. Vanish, foul beast! Do not ever come back! Beauty's strong forces now stop your attack. The warts of the toad and hog feet are lies, The truth of her nature now fills our eyes. Pure beauty shines forth, within and without, There's no room for sadness, no room for doubt. The reign of the beast has come to an end. Come forth, Tiffany, our beautiful friend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Graveyard Ghost''': Looks like I'm out of time and out of life. See you next time, kids!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Come to Pomreeda's to accept your challenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Repsac''': Boo! You again? I love a good challenge. Folded Mountains can form when.
:(answering a question incorrectly)
:'''Repsac''': (Laughing) Too Bad. That will cost you your health! (Laughing)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': A flower that squirts. A nose that's fake. Clown shoes, clown hat. Now we're ready to send the killer clown from outer space back to a circus cage on his own funny planet. Yes, of course. This spell will bring a smile to my face. Space clown, O space clown, your act is too flat. Your shoes are too floppy and so is your hat. Your makeup's too gloomy, your nose is too red. The jokes that you utter are best left unsaid. I call forth true laughter and fun that is real, And puns that are funny, not ones that you steal. So turn in your costume and just disappear. Good old Calvin is back, and we can all cheer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mrs. Grunkle''': Ha! You thought you could sneak past me? The all-seeing, all-knowing, all powerful Mrs. Grunkle? No such luck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Football... weight... baseball hat... soccer ball. Now I do believe I know the score. The gorilla beast is really our star athlete. I think I have just the spell to end the monster's little game. You're out, gorilla monster! Go to the bench! Get off the field with your terrible stench. Go straight to the permanent penalty box! Turn in your ball, then turn in your socks. Your unsportsmanlike conduct is just not allowed! The boos that you hear are from our whole crowd. You have lost your mean race, and now you must go! Three cheers for our school's favorite jock, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Graveyard Ghost''': Bet you didn't expect to see me again. Well the Reaper has been very busy lately. Collecting souls in all. But you saved me again. You sure know your words, Kid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': A pen, a phone, a briefcase, a bank... Mmm... I must offer my expert opinion. The girl behind this vampire was truly born to lead. My vote says this spell will be a landslide winner. Miss Vampire, your reign has come to an end, Your nasty bite will no longer offend. Resign, you're impeached! Retire now, today! Turn in your teeth and go far, far away. Your term of terror we no longer fear, Let darkness fade so the good will appear. You bad lady bat! You've lost the debate! Prez Laura is back! Let us celebrate!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mrs. Grunkle''': You're getting a bit too close for comfort! I'll see to it that you never reach your classmates! Be gone with you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Messy homework sheet. Oh, a slingshot. Ooh, bad report card! Dunce cap. Oh, my. It seems that in the past, this Frankenstein was a little slow in his studies. Good thing I've done my homework. Go, patchwork monster! Your kind we don't need. You failed and you flunked! You didn't succeed! The power of learning, I call forth now, Your destructive days are over, I vow. Study this, Frank: your time has run out! I hate your stomping and thumping about. Be monster no more. It's time to be manly. Goodbye to you, and welcome to Stanley!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Mmm... A microscope, telescope, too. A test tube for experiments and a toad. Oh. After studying these specimens, I conclude that Ms. Hyde is actually a scientist. Well, no problem. I'm sure that I've experimented with such a spell before. The results are in, the study is done. Your scary ways are no longer much fun. Your split persona has got to go now, Such monstrous behavior I don't allow. A gram of genius, and then I add, A quart of good sense to dilute the bad. My formula works. Miss Hyde is banished. Zev Cosmo is back from whence she vanished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Band-aids. Ooh, lunch box. Teddy bear. Jacks. Ah, I can tell this vicious doll was once a shy young girl. Ah-ha! Here's the perfect spell to send Raggedy Ann back to her haunted doll house...and then lock the door. Raggedy monster, you should now feel shame! For sad tears and nightmares you are to blame! Your stringy hair and ferocious frown Are the wrong kind of toy to have around! You've done your evil, you've had your chance. Now is the time to undo your foul trance. Leave! You are exiled, you dastardly doll! I summon Jane Playne... the shyest of all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mrs. Grunkle''': I hate to be a spoil-sport. But I don't remember putting you on the guest list. And just to give you an idea of how I treat gate crashers... (cackles)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Silver tray... lint brush... apple... hat... Well, after considering these items, I surmise that this must really be a person of taste and refinement, with a goal of serving well. Hmm. Now here's a spell that would be exactly right and proper. Penguin with giant jaws and teeth so sharp, You think you are cool, but you smell like a carp. You bummer monster, you really must go. Grab your mean board and catch an undertow! I call on Neptune, master of the sea! The waves will now fail you, I do decree. You are a washout penguin, float far away! Now the tide has turned. James is here to stay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Wrench, can of oil, spark plugs, spare tire... Only an aspiring auto mechanic would need such equipment. Well, a mechanic is not the only person who can fix things. I'm sure this spell will repair all the damage that's been done. I call forth the magic of knowing how. The secret of fixing is mine right now. Repair, replace, renew, and restore, Reconstruct, rebuild, and then do it once more. What's broke can be fixed if you know how it's done, And fixing what's broke is wonderful fun. Her monster form I put back on the shelf, And I recycle Debbie back to herself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Flap''': Quick, let's get out of here! Before you face Ms. Grunkle, you have to break all the spells she put on the children, and she's just behind that next door! Madame Pomreeda can help. Go to her cart on the other side of the island, and hurry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Flap''': Some of the children are still monsters. You'll need to save them first, before facing Ms. Grunkle. Go see Madame Pomreeda. She can help you out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Flap''': Before you face Ms. Grunkle, you'll have to break all her spells. Madame Pomreeda can help you out. Stop by her cart on the other side of the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Flap''': Shhh! Be very quiet, we don't want to disturb Ms. Grunkle, especially when some of the kids are still monsters. You'll have to go to Madame Pomreeda's, and transform all the kids before you can enter this room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Uh, stethoscope... head mirror... aspirin... ooh, thermometer. Mmm... My diagnosis is that the patient wants to be a doctor. Well, I can prescribe a spell that will leave her healthy in no time! I call forth the magic power of pills. Take two at each meal for all of your ills. Say &quot;Ahh&quot; and say &quot;Ouch&quot; when you take your shot, Say &quot;It doesn't hurt&quot; when it hurts a lot. Take your vitamins each and every day, Wash your hands to keep the bad germs away. My spell made her well, and I take my bow, Good old Penny Scilin will see you now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[After finishing all of the quests to turn the kids back to normal and the player doesn't have 25 keys]''
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': Sorry, you still don't have enough keys. Before you can challenge Mrs. Grunkle, you need to score more points. Then you'll earn the keys you need to open all the doors in her house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Madame Pomreeda''': It's time for you to take on Ms. Grunkle and rescue the Children. Now head to her house. It's on the other side of the island.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Ms. Grunkle''': Hahaha, the perfect plan! I knew you'd make it. Now that I have you all together, I can be sure I'll never be foiled. Monsters you will all become forever!
:''[The player holds up Ms. Grunkle's magic wand.]''
:'''Ms. Grunkle''': My magic wand! My most sacred power! How on earth? Of course. Madame Pomreeda! Well, you may have outwitted me this time, but Grunkle's power is immortal! Here broom, I command you to fly!
:''[Ms. Grunkle mounts her broom.]''
:'''Ms. Grunkle''': Don't get too comfortable! You haven't see the last of me yet! I'll be back!
:''[Ms. Grunkle flies out the attic window.]''
:'''First Kid''': [Gasps] She's gone!
:'''Second Kid''': We're free!
:'''Third Kid''': Wait! What's that on the floor?
:''[A picture on the floor shows the haunted schoolhouse reverting back to its original form.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
(when the player clicks the start button on the sign-in sheet after completing the game in the original release)
:'''Flap''': You again? I didn't think you'd be back. Nothing personal, it's just that, well, you know, it's been quite an adventure. You've made it to Ms. Grunkle's house, and rescued all your classmates. Now you can sign in as a new player and visit all your favorite haunts. Just keep a sharp eye out for Ms. Grunkle, you never know when she's going to drop in.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

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      <text bytes="124288" xml:space="preserve">Fleet Admiral '''[[w:Ernest Joseph King|Ernest Joseph King]]''' ([[23 November]] [[1878]] – [[25 June]] [[1956]]) was Commander in Chief, [[w:United States Fleet|United States Fleet]] (COMINCH) and [[w:Chief of Naval Operations|Chief of Naval Operations]] (CNO) during [[World War II]]. As COMINCH-CNO, he directed the [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]]'s operations, planning, and administration and was a member of the [[w:Joint Chiefs of Staff|Joint Chiefs of Staff]]. He was the U.S. Navy's second most senior officer after Fleet Admiral [[w:William D. Leahy|William D. Leahy]], and the second admiral to be promoted to five star rank. He served under Secretary of the Navy [[w:Frank Knox|Frank Knox]] and later under [[w:James Forrestal|James Forrestal]].

[[File:FADM Ernest J. King.jpg|thumbnail|Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.]]

== Quotes ==

[[File:Naval Aviator Badge.jpg|thumb|Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.]]
[[File:2014.020.007 Award, Medal, Navy Cross (13997822835).jpg|thumb|Difficulties exist to be overcome.]]
[[File:USNA Gold Seal.png|thumbnail|To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States Navy (official).svg|thumb|I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.]]
[[File:Remember december 7th.jpg|thumb|The way to victory is long.]]
[[File:Into the Jaws of Death 23-0455M edit.jpg|thumb|The going will be hard.]]
[[File:80-G-302273 (26222660441).jpg|thumb|We will do the best we can with what we've got.]]
[[File:&quot;Make every minute count - We have no time to lose Don't slow up the ship&quot; - NARA - 514952.tif|thumb|We must have more planes and ships- at once.]]
[[File:SBD-3 Dauntless bombers of VS-8 over the burning Japanese cruiser Mikuma on 6 June 1942.jpg|thumb|Then it will be our turn to strike.]]
[[File:Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima, larger - edit1.jpg|thumb|We will win through- in time.]]
[[File:Army B-25 (Doolittle Raid).jpg|thumb|Our days of victory are in the making.]]
[[File:TBF dropping torpedo NAN2-2-44.jpg|thumb|CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.]]
[[File:Push - it isn't a wishing stone^ - NARA - 534873.jpg|thumb|No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.]]
[[File:Flag of the Soviet Union.svg|thumb| In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.]]
[[File:&quot;Man your stations&quot; - NARA - 514977.jpg|thumb|It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.]]
[[File:USS Balao SS-285.jpg|thumb|The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.]]
[[File:War Ends.jpg|thumb|Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.]]

* '''Don't tell them anything. When it's over, tell them who won.'''
** King's reply when asked for a public relations strategy for the U.S. Navy in World War II. As quoted in ''Dictionary of Military and Naval Quotations (1966)'' by Robert Heinl, p. 258

* Every naval officer has a job to do. He should do that job out of a sense of duty and should not get recognition for having done what he has been trained to do. His only reward should be the satisfaction of knowing that he has done the job well and to the best of his ability.
** Said to Betsy Matter during World War II, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 380-381

* Initiative means freedom to act, but it does not mean freedom to act in an offhand or casual manner.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 126

* I don't know much about this thing called logistics. All I know is that I want some.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 172

* Discipline is willing obedience to attain the greatest good by the greatest number. It means [the] laying aside, for the time being, of ordinary everyday go-as-you-please and do-what-you-like. It means one for all and all for one- teamwork. It means a machine- not of inert metal, but one of living men- an integrated human machine in which each does his part and contributes his full share.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 281

=== 1930s ===

==== 1936 ====
* '''Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.'''
** Remark on participating in hazardous bad-weather training flights alongside his aviators aboard USS ''Lexington'' (CV-2) in 1936. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 105
=== 1940s ===

==== 1940 ====

* '''I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.'''
** King's comment on maintaining a strict style of leadership, in particular constantly holding drills and inspections among his sailors and officers, in 1940 when he was a 2-star rear admiral. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 72.

==== 1941 ====

* It must be the key idea of all hands that we will make the best of what we have.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* I expect the officers of the Atlantic Fleet to be the leaders of what may be called the pioneering spirit- to lead in the determination that the difficulties and discomforts- personnel, materiel, operations, waiting- shall be dealt with as &quot;enemies&quot; to be overcome by our own efforts.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* There is work in plenty for all hands- officers and men.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

*'''The way to victory is long. &lt;br&gt;The going will be hard. &lt;br&gt;We will do the best we can with what we've got. &lt;br&gt;We must have more planes and ships- at once. &lt;br&gt;Then it will be our turn to strike. &lt;br&gt;We will win through- in time.'''
** King's first statement as Commander-in-Chief, United States fleet, sent on 24 December 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume Three: The Rising Sun in the Pacific, 1931-April 1942'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 255. Also quoted on the first page and on page 58 of ''The United States Navy in World War II (1966) by S.E. Smith (editor).

==== 1942 ====

* '''No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.'''
** Excerpt from a late March 1942 memorandum King wrote to President Roosevelt, urging against adopting the policy of those most concerned with defending the continental United States. It is unknown if the memorandum was actually ever seen by the President. The entire memorandum is quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 193.

* Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.
** Graduation address at the United States Naval Academy, 16 June 1942, as quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 193

* '''CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.'''
** Dispatch from King to then-Major General [[Alexander Vandegrift]], commander of the 1st Marine Division, during the Battle of Guadalcanal in late August 1942. As quoted in ''Once A Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 146

* Dear Mr. President: &lt;br&gt;It appears proper that I should bring to your notice the fact that the record shows that I shall attain the age of 64 years on November 23rd next- one month from today. &lt;br&gt;I am as always at your service. &lt;br&gt;Most sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Ernest J. King &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** Letter from King to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] on 23 October 1942, notifying the President that King was about to reach mandatory retirement age, at which time he could only be kept in the Navy at the desire of the President. Roosevelt hand-wrote on the same letter &quot;So what, old top? I may even send you a birthday present!&quot; and had it sent back to King. As quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952), by Ernest King and Walter M. Whitehill, p. 412

* (1) Defensive phase... a boxer covering up. &lt;br&gt;(2) Defensive-offensive phase... a boxer covering up while seeking an opening to counterpunch. &lt;br&gt;(3) Offensive-defensive phase... blocking punches with one hand while hitting with the other. &lt;br&gt;(4) Offensive phase... hitting with both hands.
** King's predicted four phases of World War II for the United States and the Allies, made while conversing with reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* '''In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.'''
** Prediction made by King when speaking to reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* I'd say they started something at Pearl Harbor that they are not going to finish. We are going to win this war.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 30

* '''Our days of victory are in the making.'''
** Remark by King in March 1942, as quoted in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* It's going to be a long war. We will really hit our stride in about a year's time... Our two-ocean Navy is not yet in service. The smaller ships for it will begin to come into service around Thanksgiving or Christmas. The plain fact is we haven't got the tools. Some of our critics would have us do everything everywhere all at once. It can't be done with what we have to work with.
** From an address during a 1942 visit to Cleveland, Ohio, and Lorain, Ohio, as quoted from ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* I have a philosophy that when you have a commander in the field, let him know what you want done and then let him alone. I have two other philosophies. One is: Do the best you can with what you have. The other is: Do not worry about water over the dam.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 32.

* We knew what Nimitz was doing. He did the right thing, and we let him alone.
** Comment on Chester Nimitz's role in the Battle of Midway in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

* We hear a great deal of clamor from time to time for unity of command. That's a loose term and has come to be widely used by people who don't have the full facts. Actually, many good officers are not qualified or competent to exercise unified command, but we keep on hearing amateurs suggest that some one man be called in to exercise sweeping control over all things military.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

==== 1943 ====

* The seeming helplessness of our cousins strikes me as amusing when it is not annoying. I am sure what they wish in their hearts is that we would haul down the Stars and Stripes and hoist the White Ensign in all our ships. What particularly irks me is their strong liking for mixed forces, which as you know approached anathema to me. I am willing to take over additional tasks- and we have done so- but I cannot be expected to agree to help them cling to tasks that they themselves say they are unable to do unless we lend them our ships and other forces. I think we have done enough for them in their Home Fleet.
** In a letter from King to Admiral Harold B. Stark in November 1943, as quoted in ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000) by Robin Brodhurst.

* Stalin knew just what it was he wanted when he came to Teheran, and he got it. Stalin is a stark realist, and there is no foolishness about him. He speaks briefly and directly to the point- not a wasted word.
** Remark to reporters on  28 November 1943 during the Tehran Conference, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 431

==== 1944 ====

* Well done, Frank Knox. We dedicate ourselves, one and all, to what surely would have been his last order- 'Carry On!'
** King's public written response to the death of Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox on April 28, 1944, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 243

==== 1945 ====

* SUSPEND ALL OFFENSIVE ACTION. REMAIN ALERT.
** King's final wartime message to Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, Commander, United States Pacific Fleet, sent by cable on August 14, 1945. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 467.

* '''Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.'''
** Remark to Neil K. Dietrich on 14 August 1945; King had just learned that President Harry Truman was going to announce Japan's decision to surrender unconditionally to the Allied powers. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 498

==== 1946 ====

* I can best stress the importance of the U.S. Navy to the American people when I state that without sea power on our side the United States would never have become a nation, would not have continued to exist as a nation, and even more specifically would not have won the great World War just so successfully concluded.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 9

* The part of the U.S. Navy alone in this war was stupendous. And I wish here to acknowledge our debt not only to the men and women of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, and their several Women's Reserves, but also to those innumerable civilians who aided the Navy's war effort.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* The day after Pearl Harbor our Navy's position in the Pacific was extremely grave. The bulk of our major ships had been put out of commission for a year; only our small Asiatic Fleet under Admiral Hart in the Philippines and portions of the Pacific Fleet that had been absent from Pearl Harbor on the day of the attack were in fighting condition in the Pacific. Even Hawaii might be attacked and overrun at any moment. And in the Atlantic the Axis submarines were destroying a tremendous tonnage of our shipping within sight of our very shores. Then, even at the lowest of the war tide, the decision was made, and correctly: first fight for time, especially in the Pacific- and then assemble the might to conquer first Italy and then Germany, and then inevitably Japan must succumb.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* Nor is the Navy content to rest on its present laurels. Long a leader in invention and research, our Navy is already studying new weapons, new methods- the atomic bomb and guided missiles, for instance. Whatever new weapons, or defenses against new weapons, science can develop, the U.S. Navy intends to incorporate them into itself to make sure that the Navy shall always be strong enough to perform its historic function of defense of our own country and of offense against enemy countries. It is to be hoped that every American will exert his effort and influence to see that goal is achieved- that the U.S. Navy will always remain, as it is today, the world's greatest sea power.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* On the evening of December 8, therefore, after the Japanese had bombed the airfields and destroyed many of General MacArthur's planes, our submarines and motor torpedo boats, which were still in Philippine water, were left with the task of impeding the enemy's advance.
** From King's report on the Japanese attack on the Philippines, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 180

===== ''U.S. Navy at War, 1941-1945: Official Reports to the Secretary of the Navy'' (1946) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Book printed out of the three major reports King issued on 23 April 1944, 27 March 1945, and 8 December 1945 &lt;/small&gt;

* Calculating risks does not mean taking a gamble. It is more than figuring the odds. It is not reducible to a formula. It is the analysis of all factors which collectively indicate whether or not the consequences to ourselves will be more than compensated for by the damage to the enemy or interference with his plans. Correct calculation of risks, by orderly reasoning, is the responsibility of every naval officer who participates in combat, and many who do not.
** First Report, p. 34

* The war has been variously termed a war of production and a war of machines. Whatever else it is, so far as the United States is concerned, it is a war of logistics.
** First Report, p. 34

* '''It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.'''
** First Report, p. 36

* The actions in the Coral Sea and at Midway did much to wrest the initiative from the enemy and slow down further advance. Our first really offensive operation was the seizure of Guadalcanal in August 1942. This campaign was followed by a general offensive made possible by increases in our amphibious forces and in our naval forces in general, which has continued to gain momentum on the entire Pacific front. At the end of February 1944, the enemy had been cleared from the Aleutians, had been pushed well out of the Solomons, and was forced to adopt a defensive delaying strategy. Meanwhile, our own positions in the Pacific had been strengthened.
** First Report, p. 38

* The war in the Pacific may be regarded as having four stages: &lt;br&gt;(a) The defensive, when we were engaged almost exclusively in protecting our shores and our lines of communication from the encroachments of the enemy. &lt;br&gt;(b) The defensive-offensive, during which, although our operations were chiefly defensive in character, we were able nevertheless to take certain defensive measures. &lt;br&gt;(c) The offensive-defensive, covering the period immediately following our seizure of the initiative, but during which we still had to use a large part of our forces to defend our recent gains. &lt;br&gt;(d) The offensive, which began when our advance bases were no longer seriously threatened and we became able to attack the enemy at places of our own choosing. 
** First Report, p. 39

* The Battle of Midway was the first decisive defeat suffered by the Japanese Navy in 350 years. Furthermore, it put an end to the long period of Japanese offensive action, and restored the balance of naval power in the Pacific. The threat to Hawaii and the west coast was automatically removed, and except for operations in the Aleutians area, where the Japanese had landed on the islands of Kiska and Attu, enemy operations were confined to the south Pacific. It was to this latter area, therefore, that we gave our greatest attention.
** First Report, p. 49

* The Battle of Guadalcanal, in spite of heavy losses we sustained, was a decisive victory for us, and our position in the southern Solomons was not threatened again seriously by the Japanese. Except for the &quot;Tokio express,&quot; which from time to time succeeded in landing small quantities of supplies and reinforcements, control of the sea and air in the southern Solomons passed to the United States.
** First Report, p. 61

* The operations in the Marshall Islands carried out by the forces under Vice Admiral Spruance were characterized by excellent planning and by almost perfect timing in the execution of those plans. The entire operation was a full credit to those who participated, and it is a noteworthy example of the results that may be expected from good staff work.
** First Report, p. 74

* For reasons of security, our submarine operations throughout the Pacific can be discussed only in very general terms. No branch of the naval service, however, has acquitted itself more creditably. Submarine commanding officers are skillful, daring and resourceful. Their crews are well trained and efficient. Their morale is high, and in direct ratio to the success of submarine operations. Materially our submarines are in excellent shape, and we have kept up to the minute in all features of design and scientific development and research. '''The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.'''
** p. 77

* '''Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.'''
** First Report, p. 93

* '''While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.'''
** Second Report, p. 163

* In connection with the matter of command in the field, there is perhaps a popular misconception that the Army and the Navy were intermingled in a standard form of joint operational organization in every theater throughout the world. Actually, the situation was never the same in any two areas. For example, after General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower had completed his landing in Normandy, his operation became purely a land campaign. The Navy was responsible for maintaining the line of communications across the ocean and for certain supply operations in the ports of Europe, and small naval groups became part of the land army for certain special purposes, such as the boat groups which helped in the crossing of the Rhine. But the strategy and tactics of the great battles leading up to the surrender of Germany were primarily army affairs and no naval officer had anything directly to do with the command of this land campaign. A different situation existed in the Pacific, where, in the process of capturing small atolls, the fighting was almost entirely within range of naval gunfire; that is to say, the whole operation of capturing an atoll was amphibious in nature, with artillery and air-support primarily naval. This situation called for a mixed Army-Navy organization which was entrusted to the command of Fleet Admiral Nimitz. A still different situation existed in the early days of the war during the Solomon Islands campaign where Army and Navy became, of necessity, so thoroughly intermingled that they were, to all practical purposes, a single service directed by Admiral William F. Halsey, Jr. Under General of the Army Douglas MacArthur, Army, Army Aviation, and the naval components of his command were separate entities tied together only at the top in the person of General MacArthur himself. In the Mediterranean the scheme of command differed somewhat from all the others.
** Third Report, p. 172

* The final phase of the Pacific naval war commenced with the assault on Iwo Jima in February 1945, closely followed by that on Okinawa in April. These two positions were inner defenses of Japan itself; their capture by United States forces meant that the heart of the Empire would from then on be exposed to the full fury of attack, not only by our carrier aircraft but also by land-based planes, the latter in a strength comparable to that which wreaked such devastation against the better protected and less vulnerable cities of Germany. After Okinawa was in our hands, the Japanese were in a desperate situation, which could only be alleviated if they could strike a counterblow, either by damaging our fleet or by driving us from our advanced island positions. The inability of the Japanese to do either was strong evidence of their increasing impotence and indicated that the end could not be long delayed.
** Third Report, p. 173

* The defensive organization of Iwo Jima was the most complete and effective yet encountered. The beaches were flanked by high terrain favorable to the defenders. Artillery, mortars, and rocket launchers were well concealed, yet could register on both beaches- in fact, on any point on the island. Observation was possible, both from Mount Suribachi at the south end and from a number of commanding hills and steep defiles sloping to the sea from all sides of the central Motoyama tableland afforded excellent natural cover and concealment, and lent themselves readily to the construction of subterranean positions to which the Japanese are addicted. Knowing the superiority of the firepower which would be brought against them by air, sea, and land, they had gone underground most effectively, while remaining ready to man their positions with mortars, machine guns, and other portable weapons the instant our troops started to attack. The defenders were dedicated to expending themselves- but expending themselves skillfully and protractedly in order to exact the uttermost toll from the attackers. Small wonder then that every step had to be won slowly by men inching forward with hand weapons, and at heavy costs. There was no other way of doing it. The skill and gallantry of our Marines in this exceptionally difficult enterprise was worthy of their best traditions and deserving of the highest commendation. This was equally true of the naval units acting in their support, especially those engaged at the hazardous beaches. American history offers no finer example of courage, ardor and efficiency.
** Third Report, p. 174-175

* Never before in the history of war had there been a more convincing example of the effectiveness of sea power than when a well-armed, highly efficient and undefeated army of over a million men surrendered their homeland unconditionally to the invader without even token resistance. True, the devastation already wrought by past bombings, as well as the terrible demonstration of power by the first atomic bombs, augured nothing less for the Japanese than total extinction; yet without sea power there would have been no possession of Saipan, Iwo Jima, and Okinawa from which to launch these bombings. True, the Japanese homeland might have been taken by assault in one final amphibious operation of tremendous magnitude, yet without sea power such an assault could not have been attempted.
** Third Report, p. 195

* The end of the war came before we had dared to expect it. As late as August 1943 strategic studies drawn up by the British and United States planners contemplated the war against Japan continuing far into 1947. Even the latest plans were based upon the Japanese war lasting a year after the fall of Germany. Actually Japan's defeat came within three months of Germany's collapse. The nation can be thankful that the unrelenting acceleration of our power in the Pacific ended the war in 1945.
** Third Report, p. 232

* The price of victory has been high. Beginning with the dark days of December 1941 and continuing until September 1945, when the ships of the Pacific Fleet steamed triumphant into Tokyo Bay, the Navy's losses were severe. The casualties of the United States Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard reached the totals of 56,206 dead, 80,259 wounded, and 8,967 missing. Many of these gallant men fell in battle; many were lost in strenuous and hazardous operations convoying our shipping or patrolling the seas and skies; others were killed in training for the duties that Fate would not permit them to carry out. All honor to these heroic men. To their families and to those who have suffered the physical and mental anguish of wounds, the Navy includes its sympathy in that of the country they served so well. It is my sincere hope- and expectation- that the United States will hereafter remain ever ready to support and maintain the peace of the world by being ever ready to back up its words with deeds.
** Third Report, p. 232

=== 1950s ===

* I'll never forgive the Army for not taking at least part of the blame for Pearl Harbor. That was why I didn't like Stimson.
** King's comment after the war on Henry L. Stimson, who was United States Secretary of War during World War II, while speaking to Commander Walter Muir Whitehill, who wrote King's memoirs for him. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473

* I didn't like the atom bomb or any part of it.
** King's comment to Commander Whitehill on July 4, 1950, which was transcribed in Whitehill's notes. As quoted in ''The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb and the Architecture of an American Myth'' (1995) by Gar Alperovitz, p. 321

==== ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) ====
:&lt;small&gt;This book was co-written by King and Walter Muir Whitehill, and apart from the Introduction and various instances wherein King is directly quoted throughout the book, it is written in a third-person narrative style. &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.'''
** Dedication

* During the war I kept neither a diary nor notes. I had then neither the time nor the inclination, and like most sailors, who through necessity &quot;travel light,&quot; I have not accumulated any substantial body of personal papers. Since my relief as Chief of Naval Operations on 15 December 1945, I have spent many hours in recalling the events of World War II and of my earlier life in the Navy. My source has been my memory, verified and supplemented by references to official records and by the recollections of officers who assisted me in my wartime duties. The reader must therefore take this book on faith, for its statements are not bolstered by citations of numerous documents. I must ask him to believe, however, that I have made a sincere and conscientious effort to avoid the inspiration of hindsight and to record matters as they seemed at the time.
** Introduction, p. viii

* '''War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.''' War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:BB61 USS Iowa BB61 broadside USN.jpg|thumbnail|War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.]]

* '''Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.''' This is no less true of a military commander than of a surgeon who, while operating, suddenly encounters an unsuspected complication. In both instances, the men must act immediately, with little time for reflection, and if they are successful in dealing with the unexpected it is upon the basis of past experience and training. As any decisions that I made during World War II sprang from the forty-four years' service that were behind me in 1941, I wish to acquaint the reader with the background of my professional life so that he may better understand their origins.
** Introduction, p. viii

* The United States has never had the tradition of a military class. The President of the United States is the Commander in Chief of the Armed Services, and the officers and enlisted men of the Army, Navy, and Air Force are drawn from all classes of American life and must be trained from scratch.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|It is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.]]

* ''First'', all hands gave their best and their utmost, day and night, in good weather and bad, in order that the work might progress with all practicable dispatch. ''Second'', the divers encountered the hazards of their work with unfailing readiness, with the greatest skill and frequently the greatest intrepidity and daring; '''it is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.''' ''Third'', the commanding officer of the ''Falcon'', Lieutenant Henry Hartley, whose seamanship was of the highest order, whose advice in all matters was invaluable, whose judgement was eminently sound, displayed a devotion to duty which was unceasing and a constant example to all hands.
** p. 183-184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51, an operation which King commanded.

* ''Fourth'', Lieutenant Commander Edward Ellsberg, Construction Corps, the salvage officer, was in direct personal charge of the actual salvage work and diving operations; his technical knowledge and resourcefulness were adequate for all of the innumerable setbacks and difficulties; he developed an improved underwater cutting torch, worked out the technique of handling the pontoons, learned to dive during the months the actual operations were suspended and actually went down on the wreck some three times during the spring operations; he was the embodiment of perseverance and determination.
** p. 184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51.

* Historically ... it is traditional and habitual for us to be inadequately prepared. This is the combined result of a number factors, the character of which is only indicated: democracy, which tends to make everyone believe that he knows it all; the preponderance (inherent in democracy) of people whose real interest is in their own welfare as individuals; the glorification of our own victories in war and the corresponding ignorance of our defeats (and disgraces) and of their basic causes; the inability of the average individual (the man in the street) to understand the cause and effect not only in foreign but domestic affairs, as well as his lack of interest in such matters. Added to these elements is the manner in which our representative (republican) form of government has developed as to put a premium on mediocrity and to emphasise the defects of the electorate already mentioned.
** p. 236-237.

* On the afternoon of 28 February 1939 King and Halsey went together on board ''Houston'' where some twenty or more flag officers of the United States Fleet had been summoned to pay their respects to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. President Roosevelt was in high spirits, for he loved the Navy and always visibly expanded when at sea. As the admirals greeted him, he would have some pleasant, half-teasing personal message for each. King, when his turn came, shook hands and said that he hoped the President liked the manner in which naval aviation was improving month by month, if not day by day. Mr. Roosevelt seemed pleased by this, and, after a brief chat, admonished King, in his bantering way, to watch out for the Japanese and the Germans. King made no attempt to hold further conversation with the President, even though Admiral Bloch urged him to do so. He had never &quot;greased&quot; anyone during his forty-two years of service and did not propose to begin, particularly at a moment when many of the admirals were trying so hard to please Mr. Roosevelt that it was obvious. He had paid his respects civilly; he was in plain sight, and felt that the President could easily summon him if there were anything more to say. He believed that his record would speak for itself, and that it was not likely to be improved by anything that he might say at this moment. It seemed that the die was already cast, although the President's decision would not be made known for some weeks.
** p. 291-292

* King, when told that he could have eggs ''or'' pancakes and toast and coffee, asked with the severity of expression that has often disconcerted those who do not know his fondness for teasing, why he could not have both. The waiter gasped, but shortly returned with a monumental plate of eggs ''and'' pancakes that caused Marshall to wonder how King got that huge breakfast. The answer was simple: &quot;I asked for it!&quot; Although in some doubt as to whether he could eat his way through what he had brought on himself, the food tasted so good after a week in wartime London that King eventually disposed of it. He then in Navy fashion thanked the mess officer, asked to look over the galley, and congratulated and shook hands with the cooks.
** Account of a visit King and George C. Marshall made to an Army mess hall in Presque Isle, Maine, in late July 1942, p. 408

* a. Would it further threaten or cut Japanese lines of communications? &lt;br&gt;b. Would it contribute to the attainment of positions of readiness from which a full-scale offensive could be launched against Japan?
** Two questions which King believed it was necessary to ask when considering any operation in the Pacific, as cited on p. 440

* '''Do the best you can with what you have. &lt;br&gt;Do not worry about water that has gone over the dam. &lt;br&gt;Difficulties exist to be overcome.'''
** p. 640

* Dear Harriet: &lt;br&gt;I have your letter of January 6th- and am interested to learn that you have to do my biography as part of your English work. As to your questions: I drink a little wine, now and then. I smoke about one pack of cigarettes a day. I think I like Spencer Tracy as well as any of the movie stars. My hobby is cross-word puzzles- when they are difficult. My favorite sport is golf- when I can get to play it- otherwise, I am fond of walking. Hoping that all will go well with your English work, I am, &lt;br&gt;Very truly yours, &lt;br&gt;E.J. KING &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** King's reply to a sixth grade student in Brooklyn, New York City, New York, who wrote King a letter in January 1943 asking if he drank or smoked and what his favorite movie star, hobby and sport might be. Cited on p. 651

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at his quarters and salutes a solider during the Potsdam Conference... - NARA - 199002.tif|thumb|When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.]]
* '''When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.'''
** Remark that King allegedly made when he was called to be Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, soon after the United States had entered World War II on December 7, 1941. Numerous sources have claimed he said a number of versions of this from World War II to the present day. However, when asked if he had said actually made the remark, King replied that he had not, but would have if he had thought of it. As quoted in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, p. 573, and ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987) by Eric Larrabee, p. 153

The alleged quote and King's reaction upon being told of it is further confirmed below:
*&quot;&quot;Admiral, asked McCrea, &quot;is this story true that I hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, John, I don't know,&quot; replied King, deadpan. &quot;Which story is it?&quot; &quot;They tell me,&quot; McCrea went on, &quot;you were heard to say recently, 'Yes, damn it, when they get in trouble they send for the sons of bitches.'&quot; King couldn't help but smile. &quot;No, John, I didn't say it. But I will say this: If I had thought of it, I would have said it.&quot;&quot;
** Conversation between Captain John L. McCrea and King in 1942, shortly after the latter's appointment as Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet. As quoted in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012) by Walter R. Borneman, p. 212

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about King ==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lot-4263-35 (22784386347).jpg|thumb|Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character... Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality. ~ George M. Hall]]
[[File:Flag of a United States Navy fleet admiral.svg|thumbnail|No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy. ~ John Buchanan]]
:[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (left), accompanied by Commander R. E. Dornin, mount the steps to their quarters near... - NARA - 198827.jpg|thumb|So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:80-G-K-13800-A (26222698781).jpg|thumb|King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:80-G-K-14450 (26016095110).jpg|thumb|Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:King, Forrestal, Nimitz 1945.jpg|thumbnail|It was Admiral King's custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves. ~ Richard S. Edwards]]
[[File:Fleet Adm. Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at the residence of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill for a... - NARA - 198962.tif|thumb|One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Ernest King.jpg|thumbnail|Don't fool with nitroglycerine. ~ ''Lucky Bag'']]
[[File:Admiral William F. Halsey.jpg|thumb|I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions. ~ [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.|William F. Halsey, Jr.]]]]
[[File:Fleet Admiral Leahy.tif|thumb|He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret. ~ [[William D. Leahy]]]]
[[File:Untitled Art.IWMPST15704.jpg|thumb|Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory. ~ [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]]]
[[File:Atlantic Charter FDR-Churchill.jpg|thumb|So what, old top? ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Combined Chiefs of Staff Conference Malta.jpg|thumb|Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington. ~ C.L. Sulzberger]]
[[File:USS Terry (DD-25).jpg|thumbnail|King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:Douglas SBD-3 Dauntless of VMSB-241 in flight over Midway c1942.jpg|thumb|You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer. ~ Edward Frederick Lindley Wood]]
[[File:Kingfull.jpg|thumb|King's grave at the United States Naval Academy Cemetery]]
[[File:USS King (DDG-41) underway in 1983.jpg|thumb|USS ''King'' (DDG-41) underway in 1983]]

* He is the most even-tempered person in the United States Navy. He is always in a rage.
** Allegedly made by one of King's daughters, this remark was repeated by U.S. Navy personnel during World War II.

* FLEET ADMIRAL ERNEST JOSEPH KING, USN. Born Ohio 1878. Annapolis Class of 1901. As Lt. Comdr., assigned first command, DD ''Terry'', 1914. Awarded Navy Cross, 1916, for service as Assistant Chief of Staff to the Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Promoted to Comdr., 1917, Capt., 1922. Commanded Submarine Base, New London, 1923-1926,; USS ''Lexington'', 1930-2. Served as Chief, Bureau of Aeronautics, 1933-6. Promoted Rear Admiral, 1939. In Feb. 1941, became Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Appointed Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Fleet, Dec. 1941, and Chief of Naval Operations, 1942. On Dec. 20, 1944, achieved newly established highest rank, Fleet Admiral. Awarded 3 DSM's, numerous other decorations, American and foreign.
** Biographical Notes on King in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy in Action'' (1946), p. 396

* In the wake of the Pearl Harbor disaster, President Roosevelt made sweeping changes in the navy high command. When word of these changes reached the submarine force, there were cheers. The key people, it seemed, were all submariners. First, and most important, Roosevelt named Admiral Ernest Joseph King, Jr., to the post of Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations, replacing Admiral Stark. King had commanded the Submarine Base at New London and a division of S-boats and had played a key role in salvaging two sunken submarines in the 1920s, the ''S-51'' and the ''S-4''. Although King had never commanded a submarine, he wore the dolphin insignia plus his aviator's wings. Second, King appointed former submariner Chester Nimitz to replace Kimmel (and Pye) as Commander in Chief, Pacific Fleet. After his submarine service before and during World War I, Nimitz had established the Submarine Base at Pearl Harbor and then commanded a division of early fleet boats, including ''Barracuda'', ''Bass'', and ''Bonita''. King's staff in Washington was laced with submariners. For his deputy chief of staff he named Richard Edwards, then commanding Submarines Atlantic. Edwards, who would eventually become King's right arm, had commanded a squadron of fleet boats, and the Submarine Base at New London and had helped Lockwood fight for the ''Tambor'' class before the General Board in 1938. For his operations officer, King picked Francis Stuart (&quot;Frog&quot;) Low, another submariner. Later, King appointed one-time submariner Charles Maynard (&quot;Savvy&quot;) Cooke to be Assistant Chief of Staff for War Plans.
** Clay Blair, Jr., ''Silent Victory: The U.S. Submarine War Against Japan'' (1975), p. 125

*Diplomacy, tact, and forbearance were not words to be associated with Ernest King, even at a young age. When his mother once scolded him for expressing his dislike in front of the hostess, seven-year-old Ernest held his ground. &quot;It's true,&quot; he insisted, &quot;I don't like it.&quot; Absolute candor, no matter how rude or insulting, became his trademark. &quot;If I didn't agree,&quot; King later reminisced, &quot;I said so.&quot;
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 28-29

* Whereas Leahy was stern, reserved, and even dour, King was nothing short of bombastic. Throughout his career, King's personality was routinely commented upon- and frequently feared- by his contemporaries and junior officers alike. His seniors usually found it merely annoying, although many- Forrestal was clearly an exception- tended to overlook his grating manner because there was no question that this demanding and strong-willed individual was also highly intelligent and capable of delivering results. King simply had no tolerance for subordinates who failed to carry out his orders to his satisfaction. Considering King's satisfaction was a very high bar, many failed to clear it. &quot;On the job&quot; wrote historian Robert Love in his history of the chiefs of naval operations, &quot;[King] seemed always to be angry or annoyed.&quot; But some of that anger or annoyance may well have been a mask that was best breached when one stood up to him or took the initiative in doing what King likely would have done had he been in the other's shoes.
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 471

* Ironically, during four years of war, MacArthur may have owed the most to the very people he was certain were out to discredit and disparage him. While never among his fans, Franklin Roosevelt and George Marshall nonetheless consistently supported MacArthur within the framework of their global priorities, from the first efforts to resupply the Philippines to MacArthur's appointment as Allied supreme commander. Even then, where would MacArthur's Southwest Pacific Area have been had not Ernie King urged the Joint Chiefs to pour resources into the Pacific and wage a two-front war?
** Walter R. Borneman, ''MacArthur at War: World War II in the Pacific'' (2016), p. 507

* In a caravan of recon cars we serpentined through traffic that churned the Normandy roads into a trail of choking white dust. It parched our throats, watered our eyes, and chalked King's neat blues. From Omaha we turned toward Isigny, past the dry, malodorous tidal basin at Grandcamp-les-Bains where the enemy had destroyed a dozen fishing craft and damaged the tidal gates. From offshore a salvo echoed across the beach as the battleship ''Texas'' lobbed its broadsides into the Carentan flats where the enemy had withdrawn behind that city. After having so persistently badgered the Navy for capital ships in the bombardment, I was anxious that King see the effects of his big guns in the streets of Isigny. Hansen had parked two armored cars in the village square to cover our party with their guns. With General Marshall, King, Arnold, and Eisenhower bunched together in three open cars, an enemy sniper could have won immortality as a hero of the Reich.
** Omar Bradley, ''A Soldier's Story'' (1951), p. 290-291

* King on the other hand is a shrewd and somewhat swollen headed individual. His vision is mainly limited to the Pacific, and any operation calculated to distract from the force available in the Pacific does not meet with his support or approval. He does not approach the problems from a worldwide war point of view, but instead with one biased entirely in favour of the Pacific. Although he pays lip service to the fundamental policy that we must defeat Germany and then turn on Japan, he fails to apply it in any problems connected with the war.
** Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke, in a diary entry on 20 January 1943, later published in ''War Diaries, 1939-1945'' (2001), edited by Alex Danchev and Daniel Todman, p. 364

* Betty Stark, known to the more junior officers of the Joint Staff Mission as &quot;Tugboat Annie,&quot; was an easy man to get on with. Ernie King on the other hand was a difficult man to like. He had recently become Commander-in-Chief US Fleet and was effectively in charge of the day to day running of the US Navy, leaving the grand strategy to stark. This arrangement did not really work, and in March Stark moved to London as Commander-in-Chief US Naval Forces Europe, while King became both C-in-CUS and CNO. Nobody ever found King an easy man. He appeared prejudiced against all things British, but was probably better described as a ferocious Americanophile. He considered that any deployment of American forces in Europe, or, worse, North Africa was wasted as it detracted from the main theatre of the US Navy, the Pacific. His biggest dislikes were mixing US and Royal Navy ships in a combined force, or allowing US Navy ships to serve under foreign, especially British, command.
** Robin Brodhurst, ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000), p. 206

:It seems to me that there are three qualities specially implied in this kind of genius, three powers which raise their possessor to the small inner hierarchy of leadership. The first is difficult to set down in a few words. We may call it visualizing power or sypnotic power, but these are ugly phrases. I mean the power of seeing a battle-front as a whole. A war is a contest between the total strength of two sides, not the strength in one section, not the strength in the field alone, but the sum total of qualities and assets by which nations are strong. Now there is nothing so common as the sectional view in war. A general selects one battleground as  the crucial one, but unless he is a very wise man he may be wrong, especially true in modern war, where the total assets of a nation are pledged to a degree unknown in the past, and where the calculations as to where lies the true centre of gravity must necessarily be highly intricate. Indeed, I think they are too intricate for human calculation; to divine the key-point something more is needed than methodical reasoning...

:The second quality in the mysterious art of the great captains is easier to define. It is the power of reading the heart of the enemy. It is less easy to practise; indeed, it is one of the rarest talents in our moral catalogue. Founded upon a thousand pieces of evidence, it yet cannot be merely a deduction from evidence. In the last resort it is an intuition, an instinct. A general is confronted with another general and staff, as to whose mind he is almost wholly in the dark. He gets stray bits of intelligence on which he can build theories, but even the best intelligence of this sort is imperfect and rarely amounts to a logical proof. He knows that his rival is studying him closely, and that it is a race between them for the extra margin of superior knowledge. He is anxious, and anxiety is not a good basis for clear vision. You remember the famous compliment which Sherman paid to Grant: &quot;I'll tell you where he beats me, and where he beats the world. He don't care a damn for what the enemy does out of his sight, but it scares me like hell.&quot; The great soldier must have the power of throwing off the restless anxiety of the competitor, and judging his opponent's mind calmly and objectively, and in the last resort flinging forward his own mind in a kind of inspired guess and divining that for which in the nature of things there can be no full evidence. All surprise in war is based on such intuitions...

:The third quality I find hard to describe. Perhaps I can best state it as the power to simplify, the capacity to make a simple syllogism, which, once it is made, is in the power only of genius. '''No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy.'''
:*John Buchanan, in his essay &quot;Great Captains&quot; in ''Recreations and Diversions'', quoted to describe King by Walter Muir Whitehill in the closing words of ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 656-657.

* In a period of one month- March 1942- King had inspired and advocated the plans and strategy that would govern the entire course of the war in the Pacific.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 192.

* King's attitude was a paradox. He griped about too many people getting decorations, but he refused to establish a policy that would end the confusion. Nimitz was his voice of conscience, besieging King to approve the Purple Heart or to define different grades for the Legion of Merit. But it was futile. King did nothing. Nimitz tried to force the issue at their January 1944 meeting in San Francisco by demanding a formal board to standardize the awarding of decorations. All the services had different rules, argued Nimitz, and the Army Air Force was notably generous. If the services could not agree on a common policy, then the President should act. King stalled with a promise to study the problem. King's thinking began to change in June 1944. Just before King had left to watch the Normandy landings, Abby Dunlap had warned him that when the war was over the Army Air Force would get all the credit and the Navy would be forgotten. King thought she was too pessimistic. But when he next saw Abby and Betsy Matter following the invasion, he told Abby she had been right.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 382

* '''King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 563.

* '''Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 565.

* King's role in the war was indispensable. He not only oversaw the expansion of the Navy, but he was also involved in plotting military strategy, directing the antisubmarine effort (he created the Tenth Fleet, a paper organization with himself at its head, to coordinate the antisubmarine war in the Atlantic), and helping coordinate American strategy and operations with those of the Allies. King retired in late 1945, shortly after promotion to five-star rank. For several years thereafter he served as an adviser to the Secretary of the Navy and to the President.
** James F. Dunnigan &amp; Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 351

* The major problem facing the Allies in 1942 was to agree on what they would do, and when and where they would do it. No plan had yet been drawn up by Eisenhower's directorate for the employment of assault landing craft for the coming conflicts in Europe and Japan. Although he would later be overruled, a stubborn Ernie King pursued a Pacific-first strategy that favored the navy.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 299

* Eisenhower did not participate in the final discussions leading to the demise of Sledgehammer. At their conclusion Marshall summoned Eisenhower to his suite in Claridge's. When Eisenhower arrived, the chief of staff was occupied in the bathroom, and their brief discussion took place through the door. In characteristic fashion Marshall announced that Eisenhower was being given the new title of deputy Allied commander in charge of planning for Torch, and that both he and Admiral King were backing his appointment to command the entire operation. Temporarily in limbo as the commander of American forces, pending the president's approval, Eisenhower reflected on Napoleon's remarks that a general must not permit himself to be impatient or distracted in any manner that would weaken or interfere with the execution of a major plan. When the Combined Chiefs of Staff met on July 25 and the subject of a commander for Torch was raised, the blunt-spoken Ernie King declared that the choice seemed obvious: &quot;Well, you've got him right here,&quot; he pointed out. &quot;Why not put it under Eisenhower?&quot; As he would later ascertain, Eisenhower once again had reason to regret his earlier criticism of King, who had become one of his strongest supporters.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 336

* '''[It was Admiral King's] custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves.'''
** Richard S. Edwards, Deputy Chief of Staff and Aide to the Commander in Chief, United States Fleet and then Deputy Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Deputy Chief of Naval Operations during World War II. A quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 654.

* I also went to see Admiral King. He was a naval officer of the frightening type, abrupt, decisive, and frequently blunt as to frighten his subordinates. In our conversation he stressed the point that the venture on which I was going to Britain would mark the first deliberate attempt by the American fighting services to set up a unified command in the field for a campaign of indefinite length. He assured me that he would do everything within his power to sustain my status of actual &quot;commander&quot; of American forces assigned to me. He said that he wanted no foolish talk about my authority depending upon &quot;co-operation and paramount interest.&quot; He insisted that there should be single responsibility and authority and he cordially invited me to communicate with him personally at any time that I thought there might be intentional or unintentional violation of this concept by the Navy.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 51

* We were scarcely well on the beaches when General Marshall, Admiral King, General Arnold, and a group from their respective staffs arrived in England. I arranged to take them into the beachhead during the day of June 12. Their presence, as they roamed around the areas with every indication of keen satisfaction, was heartening to the troops. The importance of such visits by the high command, including, at times, the highest officials of government, can scarcely be underestimated in terms of their value to the soldiers' morale. The soldier has a sense of gratification whenever he sees very high rank in his particular vicinity, possibly on the theory that the area is a safe one or the rank wouldn't be there.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 254

* Admiral King, commander in chief of United States Fleet, and directly subordinate to the President, is an arbitrary, stubborn type, with not too much brains and a tendency toward bullying his juniors. But I think he wants to fight, which is vastly encouraging.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on February 23, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 49.

* '''One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King.''' He's the antithesis of cooperation, a deliberately rude person, which means he's a mental bully. He became Commander in Chief of the fleet some time ago. Today he takes over, also, Stark's job as Chief of Naval Operations. It's a good thing to get rid of the double head of the Navy, and of course Stark was just a nice old lady, but this fellow is going to cause a blow-up sooner or later, I'll bet a cookie.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 10, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 50.

* Lest I look back at this book sometime and find that I've expressed a distaste for some person, and have put down no reason for my aversion, I record this one story of Admiral King. One day this week General Arnold sent a very important note to King. Through inadvertence, the stenographer in Arnold's office addressed it, on the outside, to &quot;Rear Admiral King&quot;. Twenty-four hours later the letter came back, unopened, with an arrow pointing to the &quot;Rear,&quot; thus: [Here a long, heavy arrow has been drawn in a diagonal line underneath and pointing to the word &quot;Rear.&quot;] And that's the size of man the Navy has at its head. He ought to be a big help winning this war.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 14, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 51.

* '''King had the brains, all right, but I hated his guts.'''
** James Forrestal, 48th United States Secretary of the Navy from 1944 to 1949, told an American senator this after the war. When King heard about it, he replied, &quot;I hated his guts, too.&quot; As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' by Johnathan W. Jordan, p. 472.

* The campaigns in the South Pacific, however, may not be regarded as simply the inevitable products of inexorable political and military logic. Events created a milieu, and others, notably President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made important contributions, but the South Pacific strategy was forged principally by one man, Admiral Ernest Joseph King. Here the strategy and command changes resulting from Pearl Harbor intersected, for the Japanese attack completed the remarkable resurrection of King's career. In 1942, King attained his sixty-fourth birthday and completed his forty-first year as a naval officer. His father was a seaman, a bridge builder, and finally a foreman in a railroad repair shop. Drawn to his father's workplace, young Ernest absorbed the complexities of gears and lathes and the simple unpretentiousness of the workmen. After graduating fourth in a class of eighty-seven from the Naval Academy, King pursued a career remarkable for its versatility, with important work in surface ships, submarines, and naval aviation. He completed all his assignments with distinction, for the brain beneath his balding pate was agile with technical matters and he possessed a prodigious memory.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 3-4

* Besides intelligence and dedication, one other pillar supported King's professional reputation: his toughness. He regarded exceptional performance of duty as the norm and evinced insensitivity or even callousness to his subordinates, upon whom he also frequently exercised his ferocious temper. But if King proved harsh with subordinates, he was no toady to superiors. Those who fell short of King's standards found he could be hostile, tactless, arrogant, and sometimes disrespectful or even insubordinate. As a junior officer this conduct earned him more than a healthy share of disciplinary action. He defined the span of his concerns beyond his career when he once commented, &quot;You ought to be very suspicious of anyone who won't take a drink or doesn't like women. King, the father of seven, was deficient in neither category.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 4

* Early in World War II, Captain George C. Dyer served on Admiral King's staff and estimated that his headquarters would require a staff of four hundred people. King blew up and said that since he got by with fourteen while a flag officer at sea, fifty would be the maximum he would tolerate on land. Dyer subsequently went to the Pacific, was severely wounded, and was sent to Bethesda Naval Hospital to recover. While Dyer was in the area, King invited him to stop by his office; and when he came in, King handed him a paper that reported current staffing at 416. It was King's way of admitting he was wrong. '''Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character. It must have been; few sarcastic individuals rise to the top in the military profession- or stay there if they do- especially when the job includes tangling with the President on a frequent basis. Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality.'''
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 57

* King also repaired his deteriorating relationship with the press. This relationship had become so bad that journalists were circulating unfounded stories in order to force Roosevelt to relieve him. King's attorney, Cornelius H. Bull, recognized that this dismissal would not be in the country's best interests; so Bull got together with Glen Perry, the assistant chief for the ''New York Sun'', in the ''Sun'''s Washington office. Together they proposed that King meet privately with a selected group of journalists at Bull's home in Alexandria, Virginia, and level with them off the record. King agreed reluctantly, predicting that there would only be one such meeting. In this he was dead wrong. Those meetings continued for the balance of the war, by the end of which the &quot;members&quot; came almost to revere King. He in turn developed a great deal of respect and regard for them. And he kept his job.
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 66

* Dear Ernie, &lt;br&gt;It has been an education, and a very pleasant one, to serve under you this past winter. May I thank you for your patience of me personally and for the professional lessons you have given me- '''I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions.''' The best of luck always- may your new job be to your liking- and here's hoping for more stars afloat. &lt;br&gt;Always sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Bill Halsey.
** William F. Halsey, in a handwritten note from Halsey to Ernest King on 22 June 1939, as quoted by Walter R. Borneman in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy, and King: The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 180

* Once the decision to build up the Navy was taken, strong men of clear vision quickly rose to the top of the service hierarchy. Chief among these were Adm Ernest King and VAdm Chester Nimitz, men of such consummate skill that the ennui of the prewar years had virtually no impact upon their abilities and sensibilities as commanders or as men. Others slightly less senior were pulled forward by the enormous suction created by King's and Nimitz's rise to the top.
** Eric Hammell, ''Guadalacanal: Decision at Sea: The Naval Battle of Guadalcanal November 13-15, 1942'' (1988), p. 12

* Admiral King's role in the development of strategy for defeating Japan is very difficult to evaluate in detail. Officially he approved or disapproved recommendations that came to him as Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations and as one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, from his own naval planners, and from the joint planners in Washington. Frequently these recommendations had already been influenced by his own views. Still many of the objectives he preferred, most notably Formosa, were bypassed, and much of the time his recommendations were only in terms of areas or island groups. He accepted without question the specific objectives deemed by the operating commands most suitable. The one who came closest to Admiral King in his basic view that the Japanese should be kept under constant pressure was not a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but the Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area, General MacArthur. Although his role was to recommend and then accept a decision from the JCS, and many of his views on strategy differed sharply from those endorsed by the JCS, his repeated efforts to get more support for his area of command and to push ahead as rapidly and with as much force as possible helped to insure that the war against Japan did not become a forgotten war and were largely responsible for the development of the advance on two axes.
** Grace Person Hayes, ''The History of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in World War II: The War Against Japan'' (1982) by Grace Person Hayes, p. 725-726

* The military leadership styles of these two naval officers are contrasting in several ways. King was an immoral, self-serving leader who was notably brutal to subordinates and abrasive with Allied military leaders and politicians alike. Nimitz, however, was a moral leader who served is country selflessly, and he was engaging and supportive of his staff as well as sister service members and Allied military leaders and politicians. Really, both men serve as dissimilar examples of naval leadership during World War II and Nimitz's style more closely aligns with the leadership style of Marshall and Eisenhower than it does with King.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 33

* The belief that King was well versed in naval surface and aerial warfare and that he was technically competent in the use of naval warfare is widely accepted by authors assessing King as a naval leader and is not in question in this monograph. What is examined in this monograph is King's leadership abilities absent his technical naval skills. This analysis will demonstrate that King was perceived as a toxic leader who was known to be petulant, overly emotional, stubborn, egotistical, and immoral. These leadership traits, more than anything else define King, and these negative traits affected how he engaged those he led, US and Allied leaders, and even his own family.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 34

* Despite his efforts to win over his subordinates, King did not mind overworking his staff. When he was a flag officer, King preferred a small staff of eleven officers who were skilled and competent. He believed that this was the most efficient way to conduct naval planning and the right way to best utilize manpower. Smaller staffs, however, mean greater work for less people, and that is true as much today as it was then. Buell notes that staffers for King worked long hours and frequently on weekends, knew what King expected of them, but always received few comments for or against a submitted plan. In short, King was a difficult leader to develop plans for. He was extremely general and vague in his initial guidance, and the staff therefore had to try and figure out what he really wanted. Buell notes that even after numerous drafts, if King did not like a plan he would rip it up in front of the officer presenting it and write it himself on the spot.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 35

* Tough as nails and carried himself as stiffly as a poker. He was blunt and stand-offish, almost to the point of rudeness. At the start, he was intolerant and suspicious of all things British, especially the Royal Navy; but he was almost equally intolerant and suspicious of the American Army. War against Japan was the problem to which he had devoted the study of a lifetime, and he resented the idea of American resources being used for any other purpose than to destroy the Japanese. He mistrusted Churchill's powers of advocacy, and was apprehensive that he would wheedle President Roosevelt into neglecting the war in the Pacific.
** Hastings Lionel Ismay, 1st Baron Ismay, chief of staff to Winston Churchill during World War II, in his book The Memoirs of General Lord Ismay (1974), p. 253.

* Our Chiefs felt that they knew so little of what was really going on in the Pacific, of what the U.S. Navy planned to do, and of the amount of resources that these plans would absorb, that some enlightenment would be valuable. They also felt that 'Uncle Ernie' would take a less jaundiced view of the rest of the world if he had been able to shoot his line about the Pacific and get it off his chest.
** Sir Ian Jacob, secretary to the British Chiefs of Staff, in a written comment on the first day of the Casablanca Conference on 14 January 1943. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 271

* While Ernie King loved history, there was one story from ancient times that may have escaped his notice. As a boy, the Greek admiral Themistocles was said to have been taken by his father to a deserted beach, where his father showed him the carcasses of old war galleys lying sun-baked, prostrate, and neglected. That, his father told him, is how a democracy treats its leaders when they no longer have use for them. King had once objected to a wartime pay raise for soldiers, sailors, and officers. When the shooting stopped, he said, a grateful nation would distribute just rewards to the men who had brought them safely through the fire. When asked if he would write a book about the war, King replied that while he would do it, the book would have only two words: &quot;We won.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 471-472.

* The admiral who shaved with a blowtorch had given no thought to life after the war. Like Patton, Grant, Sherman and other men who stare transfixed into the bonfires of Mars, King settled into the realization on the day Japan's emissaries signed the surrender documents, he had accomplished his life's work. &quot;King was a lost soul when the war was over,&quot; said one friend. &quot;He had served his purpose. He had done what he had set out to do. He had won his part of the war.&quot; There would be a massive demobilization as the Navy returned its men to civilian life. The Pearl Harbor inquiry would become public, Congress would slash the Navy's budget, and old salts like himself would be put out to pasture, to make way for younger admirals.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* With Forrestal as Navy secretary, King knew retirement would follow quickly. He had gotten along with Knox only because the Chicago newsman knew nothing about the Navy, admitted it, and stayed out of King's way. Forrestal would not. During the war, King had cursed Forrestal out in the halls of the Navy Department, and had browbeaten him into staying out of naval operations. &quot;I didn't like him, and he didn't like me,&quot; King said.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* King's oaken hull began to split in 1947, when he suffered a stroke. His mind remained alert, but his iron-plated timbers began to creak and sag. He moved into a suite at Bethesda Naval Hospital for full-time care, and at one point he shared a floor with the acutely depressed James Forrestal, who ended his life by jumping from the sixteenth-floor window in 1949. King spent the next seven summers at the naval hospital in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He slipped his moorings and sailed over the bar on June 25, 1956, at the age of seventy-eight. He was buried at Annapolis, home of the United States Naval Academy. The only hymn sung at his funeral was a Navy anthem, an old favorite of Roosevelt's: &quot;Eternal Father, Strong to Save.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473.

* King, sixty-three years old in 1942, was as gruff a man as Nimitz was a serene one. Hard-drinking and legendarily ill-tempered, he once confessed that he had not actually uttered the self-descriptive epithet &quot;when they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches&quot; but that he would have if he had thought of it. Yet King's choleric manner masked an incisive strategic intelligence, possessed of qualities that perfectly fitted him for senior command: the ability to anticipate, the capacity for penetrating analysis of his adversary's predicaments, an unerring grasp of the reach and limits of his own forces, and a pit bull's determination to seize the initiative and attack, attack, attack.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* King had grown up alone with his father in an Ohio household from which his chronically ailing mother had been removed. He was ever after a loner, a brusque man who fathered seven children but seemed to love only the Navy.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* &quot;When they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches.&quot; Asked whether he had said said this, Admiral King replied no, he had not, but he would have if he had thought of it. They were indeed in trouble when they sent for King, bringing him from the brink of retirement to be Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and King would have been ready to admit that he enjoyed a reputation for toughness and ill temper that had few equals in the upper ranks of the U.S. Navy. He took charge of that navy at the depths of its despair and lifted it to the heights of triumph. He was a hard man in a hard time, well suited to lead a fighting fleet, but he was also a thoughtful man of a breadth and incisiveness that gave him an early and enduring grip on Allied strategy. Much of the war went the way he wished it to. The strongest mind within the American Joint Chiefs of Staff was the mind of Ernest J. King.
** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants and Their War'' (1987), p. 153

* Throughout the war, the four of us- Marshall, King, Arnold, and myself- worked in the closest possible harmony. In the postwar period, General Marshall and I disagreed sharply on some aspects of our foreign political policy. However, as a soldier, he was in my opinion one of the best, and his drive, courage, and imagination transformed America's citizen army into the most magnificent fighting force ever assembled. In number of men and logistical requirements, his army operations were by far the largest. This meant that more time of the Joint Chiefs were spent on his problems than on any others- and he invariably presented them with skill and clarity. King had an equally difficult task. His fleets had to hold Japan at bay while convoying millions of tons of supplies for the second front. '''He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret.''' The President had a high opinion of King's ability but he was a very undiplomatic person, especially when the Admiral's low boiling point would be reached in some altercation with the British. King would have preferred to put more power into the Asiatic war earlier. He supported loyally the general strategy of beating Germany first, but this often required concessions of ships which he did not like to make. He could not spare much, since, until the last months of the war, he was working with a deficit of ships. America was fighting a two-ocean war for the first time in its history.
** [[William D. Leahy]], ''I Was There'' (1950), p. 104

* Partial to Baltimore. Won fame in Massachusetts in Spanish war. The Saturday Night Club during youngster year. Then Stein and he reformed. Noon-walks. Spoons occasionally. Hops,- Well, yes! Temper? Don't fool with nitroglycerin. Court beauty No. 2. Rooms with the &quot;Full Dinner Pail&quot;. Laugh as rosy as his cheeks.
** Description of King in ''Lucky Bag'' (1901), yearbook of the United States Naval Academy, p. 35

* Admiral King claimed the Pacific as the rightful domain of the Navy; he seemed to regard the operations there as almost his own private war; he apparently felt that the only way to remove the blot on the Navy disaster at Pearl Harbor was to have the Navy command a great victory over Japan; he was adamant in his refusal to allow any major fleet to be under other command than that of naval officers although maintaining that naval officers were competent to command ground or air forces; he resented the prominent part I had in the Pacific War; he was vehement in his personal criticism of me and encouraged Navy propaganda to that end; he had the complete support of President Roosevelt and his Chief of Staff, Admiral Leahy, and in many cases of General Arnold, the head of the Air Force.
** [[George Marshall]], in conversation with Douglas MacArthur during a visit to him following the Tehran conference in late 1943. As quoted in ''Reminiscences'' (1964) by Douglas MacArthur, p. 183

* King never forgot a grudge. Now, he's used you to get back at me.
** Charles B. McVay, Jr., as quoted by Richard F. Newcomb in ''Abandon Ship''. King had been a junior officer under the old man's command when King and other officers sneaked some women aboard a ship. Admiral McVay had a letter of reprimand placed in King's record.

* King brought great operational experience, a powerful mind, and an eccentric and unbending personality.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44

* King was a brilliant naval officer and exceptionally capable seaman. But he had a willful, mean, and brittle side to his nature that limited his effectiveness as a leader charged with bringing new people and new ideas to bear on problems of developing untraditional and unanticipated ways of waging warfare.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44-46

* Roosevelt, who had been assistant secretary of the navy during World War I and maintained a proprietary interest in the service, had a hand in the choice of the sixty-three-year-old King as CINCLANT. Tough, brilliant, and short-tempered- Roosevelt said &quot;he shaved with a blow torch&quot;- King was an aviator, a submariner, and a staff officer, and the president's idea of a fighting sailor. Only a short time before, the admiral had been passed over for a top command and was headed for retirement, because, it was said, he drank too much, chased other men's wives, and had too many enemies. &quot;When they get into trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches,&quot; was his explanation for this reversal of fortune.
** Nathaniel Miller, ''War at Sea: A Naval History of World War II'' (1995), p. 190

* King was a sailor's sailor. He believed what was good for the Navy was good for the United States, and indeed the world. In that sense and that alone he was narrow. But he had a firm grasp of naval strategy and tactics, an encyclopedic knowledge of naval detail, an immense capacity for work, and complete integrity. Endowed with a superior intellect himself, he had no tolerance for fools or weaklings. He hated publicity, did not lend himself to popular buildup, and was the despair of interviewers. Unlike Admiral Stark's decisions, King's were made quickly and without much consultation; when anyone tried to argue with him beyond a certain point, a characteristic bleak look came over his countenance as a signal that his mind was made up and further discussion was useless. Although he had nothing of the courtier in his makeup, King acquired and retained the confidence and esteem of President Roosevelt. The two men were in a sense complimentary. Each had what the other lacked, and in concert with General Marshall, who shared the qualities of both, they formed a perfect winning team. The Republic has never had more efficient, intelligent and upright servants than these three men.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 103

* '''Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory.''' A stern sailor of commanding presence, vast sea-knowledge, and keen strategic sense, he was so insistent on maintaining the independence of the Navy, not only from our great Ally but from the Army, that he seemed at times to be anti-British and anti-Army. Neither was true; but King's one mistaken idea was his steady opposition to &quot;mixed groups&quot; from different Navies in the same task force; an idea strengthened by the unfortunate experience of the ABDA command... We may, however, concede to Admiral King a few prejudices, for he was undoubtedly the best naval strategist and organizer in our history. His insistence on limited offensives to keep the Japanese off balance, his successful efforts to provide more and more escorts for convoys, his promotion of the escort carrier antisubmarine groups, his constant backing of General Marshall to produce a firm date for Operation OVERLORD from the reluctant British; his insistence on the dual approach to Japan, are but a few of the many decisions that prove his genius. King's strategy for the defeat of Japan- the Formosa and China Coast approach, rather than the Luzon-Okinawa route- was overruled; but may well, in the long run, have been better than MacArthur's, which was adopted. King was also defeated in his many attempts to interest the Royal Navy in a Southeast Asia comeback; and in this he was right. The liberation of Malaya before the war's end would have spared the British Empire a long battle with local Communists and would have provided at least a more orderly transfer of sovereignty in the Netherlands East Indies.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 579-580

* He was a seadog who, despite his age (he was sixty-three, two years older than Marshall) had teeth and knew how to use them. Ashamed of the Navy's errors in Hawaii, he stormed into his new office under full sail, having been appointed by the President not only as Navy Chief of Staff but also as Commander in Chief of U.S. Navy Operations. The acronym for that had previously been CINCUS, but it is indicative of King's frame of mind that he thought it sounded too much like &quot;Sink Us&quot; with its Pearl Harbor connotations, and therefore had it changed to COMINCH. By presidential decree, he became the most powerful sailor in the history of the U.S. Navy, able to make operational and policy decisions over the head of the Secretary of the Navy himself, Colonel Frank Knox.
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196

* In character, Ernie King was the direct antithesis of General George Marshall. It is true that they had in common a liking for attractive women, but while Marshall's mood lightened at the sight of a pretty face, King reached out at the approach of a seductive female rump. He was an inveterate bottom pincher, and the benchmarks of many a bright young officer's promotion in the Navy were the bruises on his wife's shapely posterior. King was very much married, with a family of six daughters and a son. His wife, Mattie, was one of those spouses who used to be referred to as &quot;long-suffering.&quot; She had known the time when her husband had been not only a dogged chaser of naval wives but a hard drinker, too, passed over for promotion on one crucial occasion for suspected alcoholism; but, typical of his strength of mind, he had taken the pledge to eschew hard liquor for the duration of the war and now sipped only an occasional sherry. He had taken no similar pledge to eschew the opposite sex, and Mattie King had learned to live with that, though she did occasionally retaliate by finding out which naval wife King happened to be visiting. She would then telephone and, refusing to speak to her husband, would simply leave the message: &quot;Tell him his wife called.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196-197

* For all his human weaknesses, however, King was a magnificent sailor who excelled in all branches of seamanship. He had commanded a flotilla of destroyers in World War I with great skill and distinction. He was the hero of a between-wars catastrophe when a U.S. submarine- the ''S51''- went down with all hands, and he and a team of divers had successfully raised it to the surface against all expert prognostications, though too late to save the crew. He was the pioneer of that new branch of the post-World War I Navy, the Air Division Command, had learned to fly a plane and land it on the deck of one of the first American aircraft carriers, which he had successfully commanded. He shared one other quality with Marshall: patience. Like the Army Chief of Staff, he had waited years for promotion, and though his elbow-bending propensities hadn't helped him, he had held in there, enduring and waiting. As he said later, when the top job finally arrived, &quot;If one can only hold on for a little time longer, things will be eased up and in due time the trouble will iron out. That has been my own belief, not to say creed, but it works out for me.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 197

* From the beginning of his service as chief of naval operations and fleet commander- a fusion of responsibilities unknown in the navy's history- King proved he would fight the war his way, which meant an institutional focus on the Pacific war, a focus so intense that King himself botched the war on the German U-boats in 1942. He simply ignored this failure and pushed for more offensive action in the Pacific. He disagreed with cautious colleagues or superiors more often than not. He said no with routine abruptness to FDR, Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox, George C. Marshall, Douglas MacArthur, and the British representatives on the Combined Chiefs of Staff. He had an overriding strategic goal: to destroy the Japanese military might and to detach the U.S. Navy from the thrall of the British and MacArthur. Unlike MacArthur, King had no roots in Congress, the media, or any political party. Instead, he depended entirely o his absolute sense of purpose and strategic correctness to insist that the Allies could not defeat the Japanese along the Malay barrier at an acceptable cost in time and lives.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 337

* King's greatest political-strategic victory of the war came over the British and U.S. armies in 1943 when he won formal recognition from Roosevelt and Churchill that the war with Japan could be won only by an American naval campaign across the Central Pacific, a campaign directed by him and his principal field subordinate, Chester W. Nimitz. The first phase of the debate occurred before, during, and after two Roosevelt-Churchill conferences in early 1943: &quot;Trident&quot; in Washington, D.C., and &quot;Quadrant&quot; in Quebec. Aided by his best strategist, Admiral Cooke, King fought for his version of JCS 287, an American-drafted &quot;Strategic Plan for the Defeat of Japan.&quot; In its earliest drafts, this plan simply reflected the current reality that there were campaigns under way in Burma, China, and the South Pacific. Although army planners, dedicated to a second front in Europe, showed little interest in the war with Japan, the army still endorsed MacArthur's &quot;I Shall Return&quot; campaign. King insisted that any campaign should focus on the destruction of Japan's overseas resources, which meant an offensive direct only toward the Western Pacific sea lanes. He played on FDR's declining confidence that the British and Chinese would ever contribute much to a war of economic strangulation against Japan. When the British chiefs finally admitted that they would not release force from the Mediterranean for Asia, King pressed for the endorsement of CCS 242/6, &quot;Agreed Essentials in the Conduct of the War, which basically made the war with Japan an American responsibility. Roosevelt and Churchill approved this document on 25 May 1943.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 338

* By the end of 1943, King had largely succeeded in not only making the United States the principal arbiter of Pacific strategy but in making American strategy synonymous with navy strategy.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 339

* Ever since General Billy Mitchell had demonstrated twenty years before that warships could be bombed successfully from the air, the US Navy had been alive to the significance of naval aviation. In the 1920s the Navy commissioned the carriers ''Lexington'' and ''Saratoga'', the largest ships afloat until the war. Under Admiral King's leadership in the 1930s naval aviation made great strides in tactics and training. King's own career was linked with naval aviation. He had taught himself to fly when he was well over forty, and was commander of the carrier forces in the late 1930s. He was not a big battleship sailor; certainly not the man to pick up Yamamoto's challenge to a fleet duel.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 38

* Whether or not the British would in the end have baulked at Overlord remains an open question. By late 1943 a great deal of planning and force preparation had already been carried out, and they risked a serious breach with a watchful ally, growing more confident of its power month by month. But in the end the decision was taken out of their hands. At the end of November the three Allied leaders agreed to meet at Teheran. Rather than argue any more with the British, American leaders planned to outmaneuver them. The two western Allies met first at Cairo to discuss issues from the Far East and, so the British expected, the Mediterranean. Relations between the two military staffs were poorer than ever. Brooke became uncharacteristically intemperate; Admiral King, commander of the American navy, came close on one occasion to striking him. But on issues to do with Overlord and the Mediterranean the Americans remained silent, leaving the floor to their ally. When pressed they replied that the issues would be discussed when they met Stalin.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 142

* King had earned a reputation for brilliance and toughness, not to say harshness. He was generally reputed to be cold, aloof, and humorless. Ladislas Farago, who served under King, in his book ''The Tenth Fleet'' describes the new commander in chief: &quot;Tall, gaunt and taut, with a high dome, piercing eyes, aquiline nose, and a firm jaw, he looked somewhat like Hogarth's etching of Don Quixote but he had none of the old knight's fancy dreams. He was a supreme realist with the arrogance of genius... He was a grim taskmaster, as hard on himself as others. He rarely cracked a smile and had neither time nor disposition for ephemeral pleasantries. He inspired respect but not love, and King wanted it that way.&quot; The description is, of course, as stereotype, as Farago readily admitted. King could turn a reasonably benevolent eye upon a subordinate who produced to suit him, and in return elicit a degree of wry affection. On the other hand, he was utterly intolerant of stupidity, inefficiency, and laziness. He hated dishonesty and pretension, despised yes-men, and had no patience with indecisive Hamlet types. He could be completely ruthless. On one occasion he sent a commander to relieve a rear admiral who, in King's opinion, had failed to measure up- with orders that the admiral be out of the Navy Department building by five o'clock that afternoon.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 31

* In actual practice much of the Pacific war was devised by Admirals King and Nimitz. They were thus thrown into the closest cooperation, though most of the time they were far apart geographically. They maintained a constant dialogue in the form of radio dispatches, often several a day, letters, exchanges of representatives, and periodic meetings, usually in the Federal Building, San Francisco, King flying there from Washington and Nimitz from his headquarters in the Pacific. Though Admiral King's tone in communicating with Nimitz was occasionally acerbic, as was his nature, it is clear that the two commanders greatly respected each other. At the end of the war, King recommended Nimitz to be his successor as Chief of Naval Operations. Although their styles were in sharp contrast, King and Nimitz were more alike than different. Simplicity and directness were the keynotes of their characters. They were both dedicated to their country and to the Navy, though King's interests were more narrowly naval. Both were men of integrity and keen intelligence, and both were born strategists and organizers, with a genius for clarifying and simplifying and a jaundiced eye for the useless complications and waste emotion. Their chief difference lay in their attitudes toward their fellow human beings. King had little of Nimitz's understanding of, and empathy for, people. Said one of King's wartime associates, &quot;Every great man has his blind spot, and his was personnel.&quot; King went to great lengths to draw into his command the sort of men he wanted and to eliminate those he did not. The results were not always fortunate. Several cases of his placing the wrong man in the wrong spot for the wrong reasons could be cited.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 32

* While directing the movements of his ships in the western Pacific, Yamamoto, who fully realized the potential strength of the United States, was watching for the reaction of Nimitz and the possible approach of reinforcements. Neither King nor Nimitz could be lured into false moves by any of his strategems or taunted into premature action by newspaper critics at home.
** W.D. Puleston, ''The Influence of Sea Power in World War II'' (1947), p. 122

* '''So what, old top?'''
** Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a note written in reply to a message from King after the admiral had turned 64 on November 23, 1942, thus reaching mandatory retirement age. As quoted in ''FDR's World: War, Peace, and Legacies (2008)'' by David B. Woolner, Warren F. Kimball, and David Reynolds, p. 70.

* ['''King was] perhaps the most disliked Allied leader of World War II. Only British Field Marshal Montgomery may have had more enemies...''' King also loved parties and often drank to excess. Apparently, he reserved his charm for the wives of fellow naval officers. '''On the job, he &quot;seemed always to be angry or annoyed&quot;.'''
** John Ray Stakes, in his book ''The Invasion of Japan: Alternative to the Bomb (2000)''.

* The news was a stunning blow, and it quickly rippled all the way back to Pearl Harbor and to Admiral Ernest King, Chief of Naval Operations, in Washington, D.C. Both King and Admiral Nimitz, in particular, were concerned about the impact of the tragedy on the impending plans to bomb Japan. They feared a controversy in the midst of what could be the war's- and the Navy's- finest hour.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way: The Sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the Extraordinary Story of its Survivors'' (2001), p. 239

* The trial would begin in five days, on December 3, 1945. Admiral Nimitz and Admiral Spruance had disagreed with the inquiry's initial recommendation and suggested a letter of reprimand. However, the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral King a stern and &quot;by-the-book&quot; Navy man, pressed for the trial, and Secretary Forrestal agreed... McVay had less than a week to prepare his defense. King, eager to hurry the proceedings, had refused McVay his first choice of counsel when his preferred lawyer proved not immediately available. McVay wound up with an inexperienced lawyer.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way'' (2001), p. 262-263.

* Brooke got nasty, and King got good and sore. King almost climbed over the table at Brooke. God, he was mad. I wished he had socked him.
** Joseph Warren Stilwell, referring to an argument King had with British Field Marshal Alan Brooke at the Casablanca Conference in 1943, in which Brooke accused King of favoring the Pacific war. Sourced from ''George C. Marshall: Organizer of Victory 1943-1945 (1973)'' by Forrest C. Pogue, p. 305.

* Summoned to Washington to assume the post of commander in chief of the U.S. Fleet after Admiral Kimmel's relief, King was a vigorous, aggressive leader whose masterful performance as head of the Atlantic Fleet during 1941 had won him the respect and admiration of Knox and Roosevelt. An old friend and associate of Admiral Stark, he had- even before the latter's departure- assumed the leading role in shaping the Navy's approach to grand strategy. Arrogant, aloof, and suspicious, a &quot;sundowner,&quot; or strict disciplinarian, King inspired respect in many but affection in few. His admirers professed to see in him a brilliant strategist. To be sure, in sheer intellect he far overmatched his JCS colleagues, but his outlook was so strongly shaped by his intense and narrow devotion to Navy interests that he was seldom able to take a detached view of any strategic problem.
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 126-127

* Whatever his failings in interpersonal relations, King was a superb administrator and a determined foe of bureaucratization. His Fleet Staff was kept purposefully small and officers were constantly rotated in from sea duty, then rotated out again in a year or so- before they could acquire what King balefully referred to as &quot;the Washington mentality.&quot;
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 127

* [King was] opinionated, short-tempered, highly irascible, and rude.
** Mark A. Stoler, ''George C. Marshall: Soldier-Statesman of the American Century'' (1989), p. 116-117

* Admiral Ernest J. King was the exacting, hard-driving Chief of Naval Operations.
** C.L. Sulzberger, in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 313

* '''Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington.'''
** C.L. Sulzberger, in ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 335

* The admirals' academy careers are a study in contrasts. King made the best record. He was one of the lucky plebes who reached the Caribbean during the Spanish-American War, although he missed the Battle of Santiago. A star man in academic standing and a member of the junior varsity football team, the Hustlers, throughout his four years at the academy, in his first-class year he was chosen to command the battalion and graduated number four in a class of sixty-seven. His last year was dangerous, however. Put on report three times for smoking, he narrowly escaped a spell in the ''Santee'' and invited much more serious trouble by Frenching out to visit a girl in Annapolis. On one occasion a friend, learning of an unscheduled inspection at 10:00pm, loyally frenched out himself to bring King back on time. A few years later King was assigned to the Executive Department at the academy. At dinner with the midshipmen in Bancroft Hall one evening he was asked if he had ever frenched out. He admitted that he had. The next question was, &quot;Did you ever get caught?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; King replied, &quot;but I almost did.&quot; &quot;How did you manage not to?&quot; the midshipman persisted. &quot;I am afraid I cannot tell you now,&quot; King parried, &quot;but when you graduate, come out to my house and I will give you a drink and tell you how to French out and not be caught.&quot;
** Jack Sweetman, ''The United States Naval Academy: An Illustrated History'' (1995), 2nd Edition, edited by Thomas J. Cutler, p. 151-152

* We knew that America needed a shot in the national arm. Since December 7, 1941, our national heritage had yielded to a prideless humiliation. Half of our fleet still sat on the bottom of Pearl Harbor. The Philippines were gone, Guam and Wake had fallen, the Japanese were approaching Australia. What Admiral King saw, and what he jammed down the throats of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was that just possibly the mighty Japanese had overextended. He saw that just possibly a strike by us could halt their eastward parade. The only weapon he held, the only weapon America held, was a woefully understrength fleet and one woefully ill-equipped and partially trained Marine division.
** Alexander Vandegrift, reflecting on the commencement of the Battle of Guadalcanal, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 18

* Ernest King was something else again. Although I had met him in prewar years, neither I nor many people ever knew him. His prewar reputation- juniors liked to say he shaved with a blowtorch- raised him to almost demigod status in the eyes of some of his subordinates. Probably because the Marine Corps boasted its unique brand of toughness I wasn't much concerned about his reputation. Upon paying my first call to him as Commandant I did think we should understand each other, so before taking my leave I said, &quot;Admiral, I want to tell you what I have always told seniors when reporting for duty. If one of your decisions is in my opinion going to affect the Marine Corps adversely, I shall feel it my duty to explain our position on the subject, no matter how disagreeable this may be. If you disagree, I expect to keep right on explaining until such time as you make a final decision. If I do not agree with that, I will try to work with it anyway. I say this, sir, because if you want a rubber stamp you can go to the nearest Kresge store and buy one for twenty-five cents.&quot; King stared at me a moment, then abruptly nodded his head- a characteristic gesture. In the event, I worked more closely with his deputy chief, Admiral Horne, his chief of staff, Admiral Edwards, and his planner, Admiral Savvy Cooke. [On a few matters] I was forced to go to him and I generally won my point.
** Alexander Vandegrift, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 238

* Sir John Dill was a gentle genius at covering the waterfront in Washington for King and Country and for the ever present (in person or in spirit) Winston Churchill. During the critical war days he insinuated himself into the confidence of almost every important American. He enjoyed perhaps the most preferred position of any foreigner in our nation's capital. His diplomatic skill, tact, and calm philosophical manner were all disarming. I was always mindful of the fact that his first loyalty was to England. Although I admired and respected him, I tried never to forget for a moment that day and night his efforts were concentrated on furthering British interests. When British interests contravened American, I simply resisted Dill's maneuvers. Unfortunately there was no one in a high American position who seemed as alert to American interests as Dill was to British, except possibly Admiral King.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 165

* In my judgment King was the strongest man on the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. He had a keen, analytical mind. He was incisive and direct in his approach to the solution of a problem. He did not understand and could not engage in small talk. Perhaps he took himself too seriously, for he seemed outwardly to be devoid of a sense of humor. Years of military training had left their stamp- a rigidly self-disciplined man who did not ask anyone to conform to a strict code unless he himself within his own conscience knew that he was capable of performing in a similar manner. He never engaged in a sarcasm and was completely selfless. If he had been a smoothie or a person given to double talk, he might have easily assuaged the hurt feelings of the British when he took a definite position against their efforts to commit practically everything to the Mediterranean.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 184

* To Admiral of the Fleet Ernest J. King, an Undistinguished Service Stripe and Promotion to Grand Old Salt of the Alexandria Reserves: For conspicuous bravery and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty in performance of which he brilliantly rejected his best professional advice and daringly ignored his own natural instincts, and alone and single-handedly, at a moment when adverse winds of publicity were threatening to sink the whole fleet, exposed himself to a frontal assault by the picked shock troops of the journalistic enemy led by some of the most reprehensible and blood-thirsty Washington correspondents, and from that moment on, never retiring to cover from their incessant salvos of cross-fire, stormed the enemy in its own defenses and in the decisive and little-known Battle of Virginia conquered and captivated them completely.
** Tongue-in-cheek award presented by a group of 26 members of the press in Washington, D.C. during World War II, the &quot;Surviving Veterans of the Battle of Virginia&quot;, at a dinner held by these correspondents in King's honor in October 1945. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 652.

* Although reputed to be a real &quot;hard-nose&quot;, '''King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love.'''
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 233.

* Then, as the troops again presented arms, the firing squad fired three volleys, and as the bugler sounded &quot;Taps&quot;, the last of the seventeen-gun salute boomed out from across the river. The bodybearers folded the flag, gave it to King's son, and after a few minutes of quiet conversation, the mourners scattered. Nothing could have been at once more simpler and more magnificent, or more appropriate to the man. But to most of the midshipmen at the grave, King- and indeed Nimitz, Halsey, and Hewitt, who were among his pallbearers- must have seemed as distant figures as Dewey, Farragut, or even the sailors of the earliest wars of the Republic. The Class of 1958 is two full generations removed from the Class of 1901, and to a very young man this degree of remoteness borders on that of eternity. '''So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown.''' The speed of this process has led me to offer this perhaps discursive tribute of affection and respect to a figure of naval history that I had the good fortune, in his last years, to know as a man, rather than as a name.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, describing King's funeral, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 512.

* In all my conversations with Admiral King I have been forcibly struck by the essential simplicity of his mind and his manner, by his concentration on broad general principles, and by his complete lack of interest in the smaller details of problems or personalities.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 654.

* At meetings of the Combined Chiefs of Staff, King consistently and frankly maintained the attitude that his war was against the Japanese. Nor is this surprising. The Pacific War was a maritime struggle in which the Navy was unquestionably the senior service apply the power of the other services in execution of its own strategy. King was a proud and ambitious man. In the Pacific his navy could win honour and glory on its own account, but in the Atlantic there was no enemy worthy of its steel. There it would be reduced to the menial role of escorting convoys and supporting the amphibious operations of the Army, which every American sailor had been brought up to regard with antagonism and contempt.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 107-108

* Furthermore, in European waters American warships would almost certainly have to fight under the overall command of the Royal Navy, which King regarded as obsolete and incompetent. He is credited with having said, &quot;I fought under the goddam British in the First World War and if I can help it, no ship of mine will fight under 'em again.&quot; Whether or not this remark reflected his considered views, it is beyond dispute that he consistently sought to restrict the employment of U.S. naval forces in the war against Germany. Because he took this stand, and because Roosevelt had justifiable confidence in his professional judgment and efficiency, King was to exert a powerful influence on the development of Anglo-American strategy during the next three years.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 108

* ''Neque Glauci regno nec Neptuni nec ipsis Iovis Tonantis intemerato''.
* '''You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer.'''
** Edward Frederick Lindley Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax, then Chancellor of Oxford University, as he presented King with an honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law in June 1946. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 5.

* Franklin Roosevelt's wartime Chief of Naval Operations, the boss of the most powerful Navy in history; a classic s.o.b. and an undeniably great American, who played a major role in winning the war. Ernest King in legend was so tough that he shaved with a blowtorch, and he pretty much comes off that way in Buell's vigorous portrait.
** Herman Wouk, in a review of ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, featured on the back of the book's dust jacket.

=== Award Citations ===
[[File:80-G-43365 (32360533453).jpg|thumb|King's honorary &quot;commission&quot; as an Admiral in the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska in September 1943.]]
[[File:US-O11 insignia.svg|thumb|With exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.]]

* The Navy Cross is presented to Ernest Joseph King, Captain, U.S. Navy, for distinguished service in the line of his profession as Assistant Chief of Staff of the Atlantic Fleet.
** Citation for King's Navy Cross medal, awarded when the medal was established in 1919 and first awarded retroactively to servicemen for actions during World War I. At the time King received the Navy Cross, it was not exclusively a high decoration for valor in combat (second only to the Medal of Honor), but also an award for distinguished service, and it was for the latter that King received it.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States, as Officer in charge of the salvaging of the U.S.S. S-51, from 16 October 1925 to 8 July 1926.
** Citation for King's first Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Gold Star in lieu of a Second Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commanding Officer of the Salvage Force entrusted with the raising of the U.S.S. S-4, sunk as a result of a collision off Provincetown, Massachusetts, 17 December 1927. Largely through his untiring energy, efficient administration and judicious decisions this most difficult task, under extremely adverse conditions, was brought to a prompt and successful conclusion.
** Citation for King's second Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Second Gold Star in lieu of a Third Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Fleet Admiral Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commander in Chief of the United States Fleet from 20 December 1941, and concurrently as Chief of Naval Operations from 18 March 1942 to 10 October 1945. During the above periods, Fleet Admiral King, in his dual capacity, exercised complete military control of the naval forces of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard and directed all activities of these forces in conjunction with the U.S. Army and our Allies to bring victory to the United States. As the United States Naval Member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Combined Chiefs of Staff, he coordinated the naval strength of this country with all agencies of the United States and of the Allied Nations, and '''with exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.''' Analyzing with astute military acumen the multiple complexity of large-scale combined operations and the paramount importance of amphibious warfare, Fleet Admiral King exercised a guiding influence in the formation of all operational and logistic plans and achieved complete coordination between the U.S. Navy and all Allied military and naval forces. His outstanding qualities of leadership throughout the greatest period of crisis in the history of our country were an inspiration to the forces under his command and to all associated with him.
** Citation for King's third Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

==External Links==
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      <text bytes="124807" xml:space="preserve">Fleet Admiral '''[[w:Ernest Joseph King|Ernest Joseph King]]''' ([[23 November]] [[1878]] – [[25 June]] [[1956]]) was Commander in Chief, [[w:United States Fleet|United States Fleet]] (COMINCH) and [[w:Chief of Naval Operations|Chief of Naval Operations]] (CNO) during [[World War II]]. As COMINCH-CNO, he directed the [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]]'s operations, planning, and administration and was a member of the [[w:Joint Chiefs of Staff|Joint Chiefs of Staff]]. He was the U.S. Navy's second most senior officer after Fleet Admiral [[w:William D. Leahy|William D. Leahy]], and the second admiral to be promoted to five star rank. He served under Secretary of the Navy [[w:Frank Knox|Frank Knox]] and later under [[w:James Forrestal|James Forrestal]].

[[File:FADM Ernest J. King.jpg|thumbnail|Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.]]

== Quotes ==

[[File:Naval Aviator Badge.jpg|thumb|Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.]]
[[File:2014.020.007 Award, Medal, Navy Cross (13997822835).jpg|thumb|Difficulties exist to be overcome.]]
[[File:USNA Gold Seal.png|thumbnail|To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States Navy (official).svg|thumb|I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.]]
[[File:Remember december 7th.jpg|thumb|The way to victory is long.]]
[[File:Into the Jaws of Death 23-0455M edit.jpg|thumb|The going will be hard.]]
[[File:80-G-302273 (26222660441).jpg|thumb|We will do the best we can with what we've got.]]
[[File:&quot;Make every minute count - We have no time to lose Don't slow up the ship&quot; - NARA - 514952.tif|thumb|We must have more planes and ships- at once.]]
[[File:SBD-3 Dauntless bombers of VS-8 over the burning Japanese cruiser Mikuma on 6 June 1942.jpg|thumb|Then it will be our turn to strike.]]
[[File:Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima, larger - edit1.jpg|thumb|We will win through- in time.]]
[[File:80-G-K-13943 (26222688441).jpg|thumb|Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.]]
[[File:Army B-25 (Doolittle Raid).jpg|thumb|Our days of victory are in the making.]]
[[File:Push - it isn't a wishing stone^ - NARA - 534873.jpg|thumb|No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.]]
[[File:TBF dropping torpedo NAN2-2-44.jpg|thumb|CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.]]
[[File:Ray Wagner Collection Image (16156795450).jpg|thumb|Ray Wagner Collection Image (16156795450)]]
[[File:Put them acrosss^ The Toughest Job is Still Ahead^ - NARA - 534688.jpg|thumb|While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.]]
[[File:Flag of the Soviet Union.svg|thumb| In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.]]
[[File:&quot;Man your stations&quot; - NARA - 514977.jpg|thumb|It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.]]
[[File:USS Balao SS-285.jpg|thumb|The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.]]
[[File:War Ends.jpg|thumb|Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.]]

* '''Don't tell them anything. When it's over, tell them who won.'''
** King's reply when asked for a public relations strategy for the U.S. Navy in World War II. As quoted in ''Dictionary of Military and Naval Quotations (1966)'' by Robert Heinl, p. 258

* Every naval officer has a job to do. He should do that job out of a sense of duty and should not get recognition for having done what he has been trained to do. His only reward should be the satisfaction of knowing that he has done the job well and to the best of his ability.
** Said to Betsy Matter during World War II, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 380-381

* Initiative means freedom to act, but it does not mean freedom to act in an offhand or casual manner.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 126

* I don't know much about this thing called logistics. All I know is that I want some.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 172

* Discipline is willing obedience to attain the greatest good by the greatest number. It means [the] laying aside, for the time being, of ordinary everyday go-as-you-please and do-what-you-like. It means one for all and all for one- teamwork. It means a machine- not of inert metal, but one of living men- an integrated human machine in which each does his part and contributes his full share.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 281

=== 1930s ===

==== 1936 ====
* '''Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.'''
** Remark on participating in hazardous bad-weather training flights alongside his aviators aboard USS ''Lexington'' (CV-2) in 1936. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 105
=== 1940s ===

==== 1940 ====

* '''I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.'''
** King's comment on maintaining a strict style of leadership, in particular constantly holding drills and inspections among his sailors and officers, in 1940 when he was a 2-star rear admiral. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 72.

==== 1941 ====

* It must be the key idea of all hands that we will make the best of what we have.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* I expect the officers of the Atlantic Fleet to be the leaders of what may be called the pioneering spirit- to lead in the determination that the difficulties and discomforts- personnel, materiel, operations, waiting- shall be dealt with as &quot;enemies&quot; to be overcome by our own efforts.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* There is work in plenty for all hands- officers and men.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

*'''The way to victory is long. &lt;br&gt;The going will be hard. &lt;br&gt;We will do the best we can with what we've got. &lt;br&gt;We must have more planes and ships- at once. &lt;br&gt;Then it will be our turn to strike. &lt;br&gt;We will win through- in time.'''
** King's first statement as Commander-in-Chief, United States fleet, sent on 24 December 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume Three: The Rising Sun in the Pacific, 1931-April 1942'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 255. Also quoted on the first page and on page 58 of ''The United States Navy in World War II (1966) by S.E. Smith (editor).

==== 1942 ====

* '''No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.'''
** Excerpt from a late March 1942 memorandum King wrote to President Roosevelt, urging against adopting the policy of those most concerned with defending the continental United States. It is unknown if the memorandum was actually ever seen by the President. The entire memorandum is quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 193.

* '''Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.'''
** Graduation address at the United States Naval Academy, 16 June 1942, as quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 193

* '''CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.'''
** Dispatch from King to then-Major General [[Alexander Vandegrift]], commander of the 1st Marine Division, during the Battle of Guadalcanal in late August 1942. As quoted in ''Once A Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 146

* Dear Mr. President: &lt;br&gt;It appears proper that I should bring to your notice the fact that the record shows that I shall attain the age of 64 years on November 23rd next- one month from today. &lt;br&gt;I am as always at your service. &lt;br&gt;Most sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Ernest J. King &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** Letter from King to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] on 23 October 1942, notifying the President that King was about to reach mandatory retirement age, at which time he could only be kept in the Navy at the desire of the President. Roosevelt hand-wrote on the same letter &quot;So what, old top? I may even send you a birthday present!&quot; and had it sent back to King. As quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952), by Ernest King and Walter M. Whitehill, p. 412

* (1) Defensive phase... a boxer covering up. &lt;br&gt;(2) Defensive-offensive phase... a boxer covering up while seeking an opening to counterpunch. &lt;br&gt;(3) Offensive-defensive phase... blocking punches with one hand while hitting with the other. &lt;br&gt;(4) Offensive phase... hitting with both hands.
** King's predicted four phases of World War II for the United States and the Allies, made while conversing with reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* '''In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.'''
** Prediction made by King when speaking to reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* I'd say they started something at Pearl Harbor that they are not going to finish. We are going to win this war.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 30

* '''Our days of victory are in the making.'''
** Remark by King in March 1942, as quoted in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* It's going to be a long war. We will really hit our stride in about a year's time... Our two-ocean Navy is not yet in service. The smaller ships for it will begin to come into service around Thanksgiving or Christmas. The plain fact is we haven't got the tools. Some of our critics would have us do everything everywhere all at once. It can't be done with what we have to work with.
** From an address during a 1942 visit to Cleveland, Ohio, and Lorain, Ohio, as quoted from ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* I have a philosophy that when you have a commander in the field, let him know what you want done and then let him alone. I have two other philosophies. One is: Do the best you can with what you have. The other is: Do not worry about water over the dam.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 32.

* We knew what Nimitz was doing. He did the right thing, and we let him alone.
** Comment on Chester Nimitz's role in the Battle of Midway in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

* We hear a great deal of clamor from time to time for unity of command. That's a loose term and has come to be widely used by people who don't have the full facts. Actually, many good officers are not qualified or competent to exercise unified command, but we keep on hearing amateurs suggest that some one man be called in to exercise sweeping control over all things military.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

==== 1943 ====

* The seeming helplessness of our cousins strikes me as amusing when it is not annoying. I am sure what they wish in their hearts is that we would haul down the Stars and Stripes and hoist the White Ensign in all our ships. What particularly irks me is their strong liking for mixed forces, which as you know approached anathema to me. I am willing to take over additional tasks- and we have done so- but I cannot be expected to agree to help them cling to tasks that they themselves say they are unable to do unless we lend them our ships and other forces. I think we have done enough for them in their Home Fleet.
** In a letter from King to Admiral Harold B. Stark in November 1943, as quoted in ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000) by Robin Brodhurst.

* Stalin knew just what it was he wanted when he came to Teheran, and he got it. Stalin is a stark realist, and there is no foolishness about him. He speaks briefly and directly to the point- not a wasted word.
** Remark to reporters on  28 November 1943 during the Tehran Conference, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 431

==== 1944 ====

* Well done, Frank Knox. We dedicate ourselves, one and all, to what surely would have been his last order- 'Carry On!'
** King's public written response to the death of Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox on April 28, 1944, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 243

==== 1945 ====

* SUSPEND ALL OFFENSIVE ACTION. REMAIN ALERT.
** King's final wartime message to Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, Commander, United States Pacific Fleet, sent by cable on August 14, 1945. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 467.

* '''Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.'''
** Remark to Neil K. Dietrich on 14 August 1945; King had just learned that President Harry Truman was going to announce Japan's decision to surrender unconditionally to the Allied powers. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 498

==== 1946 ====

* I can best stress the importance of the U.S. Navy to the American people when I state that without sea power on our side the United States would never have become a nation, would not have continued to exist as a nation, and even more specifically would not have won the great World War just so successfully concluded.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 9

* The part of the U.S. Navy alone in this war was stupendous. And I wish here to acknowledge our debt not only to the men and women of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, and their several Women's Reserves, but also to those innumerable civilians who aided the Navy's war effort.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* The day after Pearl Harbor our Navy's position in the Pacific was extremely grave. The bulk of our major ships had been put out of commission for a year; only our small Asiatic Fleet under Admiral Hart in the Philippines and portions of the Pacific Fleet that had been absent from Pearl Harbor on the day of the attack were in fighting condition in the Pacific. Even Hawaii might be attacked and overrun at any moment. And in the Atlantic the Axis submarines were destroying a tremendous tonnage of our shipping within sight of our very shores. Then, even at the lowest of the war tide, the decision was made, and correctly: first fight for time, especially in the Pacific- and then assemble the might to conquer first Italy and then Germany, and then inevitably Japan must succumb.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* Nor is the Navy content to rest on its present laurels. Long a leader in invention and research, our Navy is already studying new weapons, new methods- the atomic bomb and guided missiles, for instance. Whatever new weapons, or defenses against new weapons, science can develop, the U.S. Navy intends to incorporate them into itself to make sure that the Navy shall always be strong enough to perform its historic function of defense of our own country and of offense against enemy countries. It is to be hoped that every American will exert his effort and influence to see that goal is achieved- that the U.S. Navy will always remain, as it is today, the world's greatest sea power.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* On the evening of December 8, therefore, after the Japanese had bombed the airfields and destroyed many of General MacArthur's planes, our submarines and motor torpedo boats, which were still in Philippine water, were left with the task of impeding the enemy's advance.
** From King's report on the Japanese attack on the Philippines, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 180

===== ''U.S. Navy at War, 1941-1945: Official Reports to the Secretary of the Navy'' (1946) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Book printed out of the three major reports King issued on 23 April 1944, 27 March 1945, and 8 December 1945 &lt;/small&gt;

* Calculating risks does not mean taking a gamble. It is more than figuring the odds. It is not reducible to a formula. It is the analysis of all factors which collectively indicate whether or not the consequences to ourselves will be more than compensated for by the damage to the enemy or interference with his plans. Correct calculation of risks, by orderly reasoning, is the responsibility of every naval officer who participates in combat, and many who do not.
** First Report, p. 34

* The war has been variously termed a war of production and a war of machines. Whatever else it is, so far as the United States is concerned, it is a war of logistics.
** First Report, p. 34

* '''It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.'''
** First Report, p. 36

* The actions in the Coral Sea and at Midway did much to wrest the initiative from the enemy and slow down further advance. Our first really offensive operation was the seizure of Guadalcanal in August 1942. This campaign was followed by a general offensive made possible by increases in our amphibious forces and in our naval forces in general, which has continued to gain momentum on the entire Pacific front. At the end of February 1944, the enemy had been cleared from the Aleutians, had been pushed well out of the Solomons, and was forced to adopt a defensive delaying strategy. Meanwhile, our own positions in the Pacific had been strengthened.
** First Report, p. 38

* The war in the Pacific may be regarded as having four stages: &lt;br&gt;(a) The defensive, when we were engaged almost exclusively in protecting our shores and our lines of communication from the encroachments of the enemy. &lt;br&gt;(b) The defensive-offensive, during which, although our operations were chiefly defensive in character, we were able nevertheless to take certain defensive measures. &lt;br&gt;(c) The offensive-defensive, covering the period immediately following our seizure of the initiative, but during which we still had to use a large part of our forces to defend our recent gains. &lt;br&gt;(d) The offensive, which began when our advance bases were no longer seriously threatened and we became able to attack the enemy at places of our own choosing. 
** First Report, p. 39

* The Battle of Midway was the first decisive defeat suffered by the Japanese Navy in 350 years. Furthermore, it put an end to the long period of Japanese offensive action, and restored the balance of naval power in the Pacific. The threat to Hawaii and the west coast was automatically removed, and except for operations in the Aleutians area, where the Japanese had landed on the islands of Kiska and Attu, enemy operations were confined to the south Pacific. It was to this latter area, therefore, that we gave our greatest attention.
** First Report, p. 49

* The Battle of Guadalcanal, in spite of heavy losses we sustained, was a decisive victory for us, and our position in the southern Solomons was not threatened again seriously by the Japanese. Except for the &quot;Tokio express,&quot; which from time to time succeeded in landing small quantities of supplies and reinforcements, control of the sea and air in the southern Solomons passed to the United States.
** First Report, p. 61

* The operations in the Marshall Islands carried out by the forces under Vice Admiral Spruance were characterized by excellent planning and by almost perfect timing in the execution of those plans. The entire operation was a full credit to those who participated, and it is a noteworthy example of the results that may be expected from good staff work.
** First Report, p. 74

* For reasons of security, our submarine operations throughout the Pacific can be discussed only in very general terms. No branch of the naval service, however, has acquitted itself more creditably. Submarine commanding officers are skillful, daring and resourceful. Their crews are well trained and efficient. Their morale is high, and in direct ratio to the success of submarine operations. Materially our submarines are in excellent shape, and we have kept up to the minute in all features of design and scientific development and research. '''The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.'''
** p. 77

* '''Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.'''
** First Report, p. 93

* '''While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.'''
** Second Report, p. 163

* In connection with the matter of command in the field, there is perhaps a popular misconception that the Army and the Navy were intermingled in a standard form of joint operational organization in every theater throughout the world. Actually, the situation was never the same in any two areas. For example, after General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower had completed his landing in Normandy, his operation became purely a land campaign. The Navy was responsible for maintaining the line of communications across the ocean and for certain supply operations in the ports of Europe, and small naval groups became part of the land army for certain special purposes, such as the boat groups which helped in the crossing of the Rhine. But the strategy and tactics of the great battles leading up to the surrender of Germany were primarily army affairs and no naval officer had anything directly to do with the command of this land campaign. A different situation existed in the Pacific, where, in the process of capturing small atolls, the fighting was almost entirely within range of naval gunfire; that is to say, the whole operation of capturing an atoll was amphibious in nature, with artillery and air-support primarily naval. This situation called for a mixed Army-Navy organization which was entrusted to the command of Fleet Admiral Nimitz. A still different situation existed in the early days of the war during the Solomon Islands campaign where Army and Navy became, of necessity, so thoroughly intermingled that they were, to all practical purposes, a single service directed by Admiral William F. Halsey, Jr. Under General of the Army Douglas MacArthur, Army, Army Aviation, and the naval components of his command were separate entities tied together only at the top in the person of General MacArthur himself. In the Mediterranean the scheme of command differed somewhat from all the others.
** Third Report, p. 172

* The final phase of the Pacific naval war commenced with the assault on Iwo Jima in February 1945, closely followed by that on Okinawa in April. These two positions were inner defenses of Japan itself; their capture by United States forces meant that the heart of the Empire would from then on be exposed to the full fury of attack, not only by our carrier aircraft but also by land-based planes, the latter in a strength comparable to that which wreaked such devastation against the better protected and less vulnerable cities of Germany. After Okinawa was in our hands, the Japanese were in a desperate situation, which could only be alleviated if they could strike a counterblow, either by damaging our fleet or by driving us from our advanced island positions. The inability of the Japanese to do either was strong evidence of their increasing impotence and indicated that the end could not be long delayed.
** Third Report, p. 173

* The defensive organization of Iwo Jima was the most complete and effective yet encountered. The beaches were flanked by high terrain favorable to the defenders. Artillery, mortars, and rocket launchers were well concealed, yet could register on both beaches- in fact, on any point on the island. Observation was possible, both from Mount Suribachi at the south end and from a number of commanding hills and steep defiles sloping to the sea from all sides of the central Motoyama tableland afforded excellent natural cover and concealment, and lent themselves readily to the construction of subterranean positions to which the Japanese are addicted. Knowing the superiority of the firepower which would be brought against them by air, sea, and land, they had gone underground most effectively, while remaining ready to man their positions with mortars, machine guns, and other portable weapons the instant our troops started to attack. The defenders were dedicated to expending themselves- but expending themselves skillfully and protractedly in order to exact the uttermost toll from the attackers. Small wonder then that every step had to be won slowly by men inching forward with hand weapons, and at heavy costs. There was no other way of doing it. The skill and gallantry of our Marines in this exceptionally difficult enterprise was worthy of their best traditions and deserving of the highest commendation. This was equally true of the naval units acting in their support, especially those engaged at the hazardous beaches. American history offers no finer example of courage, ardor and efficiency.
** Third Report, p. 174-175

* Never before in the history of war had there been a more convincing example of the effectiveness of sea power than when a well-armed, highly efficient and undefeated army of over a million men surrendered their homeland unconditionally to the invader without even token resistance. True, the devastation already wrought by past bombings, as well as the terrible demonstration of power by the first atomic bombs, augured nothing less for the Japanese than total extinction; yet without sea power there would have been no possession of Saipan, Iwo Jima, and Okinawa from which to launch these bombings. True, the Japanese homeland might have been taken by assault in one final amphibious operation of tremendous magnitude, yet without sea power such an assault could not have been attempted.
** Third Report, p. 195

* The end of the war came before we had dared to expect it. As late as August 1943 strategic studies drawn up by the British and United States planners contemplated the war against Japan continuing far into 1947. Even the latest plans were based upon the Japanese war lasting a year after the fall of Germany. Actually Japan's defeat came within three months of Germany's collapse. The nation can be thankful that the unrelenting acceleration of our power in the Pacific ended the war in 1945.
** Third Report, p. 232

* The price of victory has been high. Beginning with the dark days of December 1941 and continuing until September 1945, when the ships of the Pacific Fleet steamed triumphant into Tokyo Bay, the Navy's losses were severe. The casualties of the United States Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard reached the totals of 56,206 dead, 80,259 wounded, and 8,967 missing. Many of these gallant men fell in battle; many were lost in strenuous and hazardous operations convoying our shipping or patrolling the seas and skies; others were killed in training for the duties that Fate would not permit them to carry out. All honor to these heroic men. To their families and to those who have suffered the physical and mental anguish of wounds, the Navy includes its sympathy in that of the country they served so well. It is my sincere hope- and expectation- that the United States will hereafter remain ever ready to support and maintain the peace of the world by being ever ready to back up its words with deeds.
** Third Report, p. 232

=== 1950s ===

* I'll never forgive the Army for not taking at least part of the blame for Pearl Harbor. That was why I didn't like Stimson.
** King's comment after the war on Henry L. Stimson, who was United States Secretary of War during World War II, while speaking to Commander Walter Muir Whitehill, who wrote King's memoirs for him. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473

* I didn't like the atom bomb or any part of it.
** King's comment to Commander Whitehill on July 4, 1950, which was transcribed in Whitehill's notes. As quoted in ''The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb and the Architecture of an American Myth'' (1995) by Gar Alperovitz, p. 321

==== ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) ====
:&lt;small&gt;This book was co-written by King and Walter Muir Whitehill, and apart from the Introduction and various instances wherein King is directly quoted throughout the book, it is written in a third-person narrative style. &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.'''
** Dedication

* During the war I kept neither a diary nor notes. I had then neither the time nor the inclination, and like most sailors, who through necessity &quot;travel light,&quot; I have not accumulated any substantial body of personal papers. Since my relief as Chief of Naval Operations on 15 December 1945, I have spent many hours in recalling the events of World War II and of my earlier life in the Navy. My source has been my memory, verified and supplemented by references to official records and by the recollections of officers who assisted me in my wartime duties. The reader must therefore take this book on faith, for its statements are not bolstered by citations of numerous documents. I must ask him to believe, however, that I have made a sincere and conscientious effort to avoid the inspiration of hindsight and to record matters as they seemed at the time.
** Introduction, p. viii

* '''War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.''' War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:BB61 USS Iowa BB61 broadside USN.jpg|thumbnail|War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.]]

* '''Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.''' This is no less true of a military commander than of a surgeon who, while operating, suddenly encounters an unsuspected complication. In both instances, the men must act immediately, with little time for reflection, and if they are successful in dealing with the unexpected it is upon the basis of past experience and training. As any decisions that I made during World War II sprang from the forty-four years' service that were behind me in 1941, I wish to acquaint the reader with the background of my professional life so that he may better understand their origins.
** Introduction, p. viii

* The United States has never had the tradition of a military class. The President of the United States is the Commander in Chief of the Armed Services, and the officers and enlisted men of the Army, Navy, and Air Force are drawn from all classes of American life and must be trained from scratch.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|It is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.]]

* ''First'', all hands gave their best and their utmost, day and night, in good weather and bad, in order that the work might progress with all practicable dispatch. ''Second'', the divers encountered the hazards of their work with unfailing readiness, with the greatest skill and frequently the greatest intrepidity and daring; '''it is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.''' ''Third'', the commanding officer of the ''Falcon'', Lieutenant Henry Hartley, whose seamanship was of the highest order, whose advice in all matters was invaluable, whose judgement was eminently sound, displayed a devotion to duty which was unceasing and a constant example to all hands.
** p. 183-184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51, an operation which King commanded.

* ''Fourth'', Lieutenant Commander Edward Ellsberg, Construction Corps, the salvage officer, was in direct personal charge of the actual salvage work and diving operations; his technical knowledge and resourcefulness were adequate for all of the innumerable setbacks and difficulties; he developed an improved underwater cutting torch, worked out the technique of handling the pontoons, learned to dive during the months the actual operations were suspended and actually went down on the wreck some three times during the spring operations; he was the embodiment of perseverance and determination.
** p. 184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51.

* Historically ... it is traditional and habitual for us to be inadequately prepared. This is the combined result of a number factors, the character of which is only indicated: democracy, which tends to make everyone believe that he knows it all; the preponderance (inherent in democracy) of people whose real interest is in their own welfare as individuals; the glorification of our own victories in war and the corresponding ignorance of our defeats (and disgraces) and of their basic causes; the inability of the average individual (the man in the street) to understand the cause and effect not only in foreign but domestic affairs, as well as his lack of interest in such matters. Added to these elements is the manner in which our representative (republican) form of government has developed as to put a premium on mediocrity and to emphasise the defects of the electorate already mentioned.
** p. 236-237.

* On the afternoon of 28 February 1939 King and Halsey went together on board ''Houston'' where some twenty or more flag officers of the United States Fleet had been summoned to pay their respects to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. President Roosevelt was in high spirits, for he loved the Navy and always visibly expanded when at sea. As the admirals greeted him, he would have some pleasant, half-teasing personal message for each. King, when his turn came, shook hands and said that he hoped the President liked the manner in which naval aviation was improving month by month, if not day by day. Mr. Roosevelt seemed pleased by this, and, after a brief chat, admonished King, in his bantering way, to watch out for the Japanese and the Germans. King made no attempt to hold further conversation with the President, even though Admiral Bloch urged him to do so. He had never &quot;greased&quot; anyone during his forty-two years of service and did not propose to begin, particularly at a moment when many of the admirals were trying so hard to please Mr. Roosevelt that it was obvious. He had paid his respects civilly; he was in plain sight, and felt that the President could easily summon him if there were anything more to say. He believed that his record would speak for itself, and that it was not likely to be improved by anything that he might say at this moment. It seemed that the die was already cast, although the President's decision would not be made known for some weeks.
** p. 291-292

* King, when told that he could have eggs ''or'' pancakes and toast and coffee, asked with the severity of expression that has often disconcerted those who do not know his fondness for teasing, why he could not have both. The waiter gasped, but shortly returned with a monumental plate of eggs ''and'' pancakes that caused Marshall to wonder how King got that huge breakfast. The answer was simple: &quot;I asked for it!&quot; Although in some doubt as to whether he could eat his way through what he had brought on himself, the food tasted so good after a week in wartime London that King eventually disposed of it. He then in Navy fashion thanked the mess officer, asked to look over the galley, and congratulated and shook hands with the cooks.
** Account of a visit King and George C. Marshall made to an Army mess hall in Presque Isle, Maine, in late July 1942, p. 408

* a. Would it further threaten or cut Japanese lines of communications? &lt;br&gt;b. Would it contribute to the attainment of positions of readiness from which a full-scale offensive could be launched against Japan?
** Two questions which King believed it was necessary to ask when considering any operation in the Pacific, as cited on p. 440

* '''Do the best you can with what you have. &lt;br&gt;Do not worry about water that has gone over the dam. &lt;br&gt;Difficulties exist to be overcome.'''
** p. 640

* Dear Harriet: &lt;br&gt;I have your letter of January 6th- and am interested to learn that you have to do my biography as part of your English work. As to your questions: I drink a little wine, now and then. I smoke about one pack of cigarettes a day. I think I like Spencer Tracy as well as any of the movie stars. My hobby is cross-word puzzles- when they are difficult. My favorite sport is golf- when I can get to play it- otherwise, I am fond of walking. Hoping that all will go well with your English work, I am, &lt;br&gt;Very truly yours, &lt;br&gt;E.J. KING &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** King's reply to a sixth grade student in Brooklyn, New York City, New York, who wrote King a letter in January 1943 asking if he drank or smoked and what his favorite movie star, hobby and sport might be. Cited on p. 651

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at his quarters and salutes a solider during the Potsdam Conference... - NARA - 199002.tif|thumb|When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.]]
* '''When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.'''
** Remark that King allegedly made when he was called to be Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, soon after the United States had entered World War II on December 7, 1941. Numerous sources have claimed he said a number of versions of this from World War II to the present day. However, when asked if he had said actually made the remark, King replied that he had not, but would have if he had thought of it. As quoted in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, p. 573, and ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987) by Eric Larrabee, p. 153

The alleged quote and King's reaction upon being told of it is further confirmed below:
*&quot;&quot;Admiral, asked McCrea, &quot;is this story true that I hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, John, I don't know,&quot; replied King, deadpan. &quot;Which story is it?&quot; &quot;They tell me,&quot; McCrea went on, &quot;you were heard to say recently, 'Yes, damn it, when they get in trouble they send for the sons of bitches.'&quot; King couldn't help but smile. &quot;No, John, I didn't say it. But I will say this: If I had thought of it, I would have said it.&quot;&quot;
** Conversation between Captain John L. McCrea and King in 1942, shortly after the latter's appointment as Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet. As quoted in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012) by Walter R. Borneman, p. 212

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about King ==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lot-4263-35 (22784386347).jpg|thumb|Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character... Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality. ~ George M. Hall]]
[[File:Flag of a United States Navy fleet admiral.svg|thumbnail|No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy. ~ John Buchanan]]
:[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (left), accompanied by Commander R. E. Dornin, mount the steps to their quarters near... - NARA - 198827.jpg|thumb|So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:80-G-K-13800-A (26222698781).jpg|thumb|King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:80-G-K-14450 (26016095110).jpg|thumb|Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:King, Forrestal, Nimitz 1945.jpg|thumbnail|It was Admiral King's custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves. ~ Richard S. Edwards]]
[[File:Fleet Adm. Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at the residence of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill for a... - NARA - 198962.tif|thumb|One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Ernest King.jpg|thumbnail|Don't fool with nitroglycerine. ~ ''Lucky Bag'']]
[[File:Admiral William F. Halsey.jpg|thumb|I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions. ~ [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.|William F. Halsey, Jr.]]]]
[[File:Fleet Admiral Leahy.tif|thumb|He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret. ~ [[William D. Leahy]]]]
[[File:Untitled Art.IWMPST15704.jpg|thumb|Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory. ~ [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]]]
[[File:Atlantic Charter FDR-Churchill.jpg|thumb|So what, old top? ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Combined Chiefs of Staff Conference Malta.jpg|thumb|Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington. ~ C.L. Sulzberger]]
[[File:USS Terry (DD-25).jpg|thumbnail|King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:Douglas SBD-3 Dauntless of VMSB-241 in flight over Midway c1942.jpg|thumb|You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer. ~ Edward Frederick Lindley Wood]]
[[File:Kingfull.jpg|thumb|King's grave at the United States Naval Academy Cemetery]]
[[File:USS King (DDG-41) underway in 1983.jpg|thumb|USS ''King'' (DDG-41) underway in 1983]]

* He is the most even-tempered person in the United States Navy. He is always in a rage.
** Allegedly made by one of King's daughters, this remark was repeated by U.S. Navy personnel during World War II.

* FLEET ADMIRAL ERNEST JOSEPH KING, USN. Born Ohio 1878. Annapolis Class of 1901. As Lt. Comdr., assigned first command, DD ''Terry'', 1914. Awarded Navy Cross, 1916, for service as Assistant Chief of Staff to the Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Promoted to Comdr., 1917, Capt., 1922. Commanded Submarine Base, New London, 1923-1926,; USS ''Lexington'', 1930-2. Served as Chief, Bureau of Aeronautics, 1933-6. Promoted Rear Admiral, 1939. In Feb. 1941, became Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Appointed Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Fleet, Dec. 1941, and Chief of Naval Operations, 1942. On Dec. 20, 1944, achieved newly established highest rank, Fleet Admiral. Awarded 3 DSM's, numerous other decorations, American and foreign.
** Biographical Notes on King in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy in Action'' (1946), p. 396

* In the wake of the Pearl Harbor disaster, President Roosevelt made sweeping changes in the navy high command. When word of these changes reached the submarine force, there were cheers. The key people, it seemed, were all submariners. First, and most important, Roosevelt named Admiral Ernest Joseph King, Jr., to the post of Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations, replacing Admiral Stark. King had commanded the Submarine Base at New London and a division of S-boats and had played a key role in salvaging two sunken submarines in the 1920s, the ''S-51'' and the ''S-4''. Although King had never commanded a submarine, he wore the dolphin insignia plus his aviator's wings. Second, King appointed former submariner Chester Nimitz to replace Kimmel (and Pye) as Commander in Chief, Pacific Fleet. After his submarine service before and during World War I, Nimitz had established the Submarine Base at Pearl Harbor and then commanded a division of early fleet boats, including ''Barracuda'', ''Bass'', and ''Bonita''. King's staff in Washington was laced with submariners. For his deputy chief of staff he named Richard Edwards, then commanding Submarines Atlantic. Edwards, who would eventually become King's right arm, had commanded a squadron of fleet boats, and the Submarine Base at New London and had helped Lockwood fight for the ''Tambor'' class before the General Board in 1938. For his operations officer, King picked Francis Stuart (&quot;Frog&quot;) Low, another submariner. Later, King appointed one-time submariner Charles Maynard (&quot;Savvy&quot;) Cooke to be Assistant Chief of Staff for War Plans.
** Clay Blair, Jr., ''Silent Victory: The U.S. Submarine War Against Japan'' (1975), p. 125

*Diplomacy, tact, and forbearance were not words to be associated with Ernest King, even at a young age. When his mother once scolded him for expressing his dislike in front of the hostess, seven-year-old Ernest held his ground. &quot;It's true,&quot; he insisted, &quot;I don't like it.&quot; Absolute candor, no matter how rude or insulting, became his trademark. &quot;If I didn't agree,&quot; King later reminisced, &quot;I said so.&quot;
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 28-29

* Whereas Leahy was stern, reserved, and even dour, King was nothing short of bombastic. Throughout his career, King's personality was routinely commented upon- and frequently feared- by his contemporaries and junior officers alike. His seniors usually found it merely annoying, although many- Forrestal was clearly an exception- tended to overlook his grating manner because there was no question that this demanding and strong-willed individual was also highly intelligent and capable of delivering results. King simply had no tolerance for subordinates who failed to carry out his orders to his satisfaction. Considering King's satisfaction was a very high bar, many failed to clear it. &quot;On the job&quot; wrote historian Robert Love in his history of the chiefs of naval operations, &quot;[King] seemed always to be angry or annoyed.&quot; But some of that anger or annoyance may well have been a mask that was best breached when one stood up to him or took the initiative in doing what King likely would have done had he been in the other's shoes.
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 471

* Ironically, during four years of war, MacArthur may have owed the most to the very people he was certain were out to discredit and disparage him. While never among his fans, Franklin Roosevelt and George Marshall nonetheless consistently supported MacArthur within the framework of their global priorities, from the first efforts to resupply the Philippines to MacArthur's appointment as Allied supreme commander. Even then, where would MacArthur's Southwest Pacific Area have been had not Ernie King urged the Joint Chiefs to pour resources into the Pacific and wage a two-front war?
** Walter R. Borneman, ''MacArthur at War: World War II in the Pacific'' (2016), p. 507

* In a caravan of recon cars we serpentined through traffic that churned the Normandy roads into a trail of choking white dust. It parched our throats, watered our eyes, and chalked King's neat blues. From Omaha we turned toward Isigny, past the dry, malodorous tidal basin at Grandcamp-les-Bains where the enemy had destroyed a dozen fishing craft and damaged the tidal gates. From offshore a salvo echoed across the beach as the battleship ''Texas'' lobbed its broadsides into the Carentan flats where the enemy had withdrawn behind that city. After having so persistently badgered the Navy for capital ships in the bombardment, I was anxious that King see the effects of his big guns in the streets of Isigny. Hansen had parked two armored cars in the village square to cover our party with their guns. With General Marshall, King, Arnold, and Eisenhower bunched together in three open cars, an enemy sniper could have won immortality as a hero of the Reich.
** Omar Bradley, ''A Soldier's Story'' (1951), p. 290-291

* King on the other hand is a shrewd and somewhat swollen headed individual. His vision is mainly limited to the Pacific, and any operation calculated to distract from the force available in the Pacific does not meet with his support or approval. He does not approach the problems from a worldwide war point of view, but instead with one biased entirely in favour of the Pacific. Although he pays lip service to the fundamental policy that we must defeat Germany and then turn on Japan, he fails to apply it in any problems connected with the war.
** Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke, in a diary entry on 20 January 1943, later published in ''War Diaries, 1939-1945'' (2001), edited by Alex Danchev and Daniel Todman, p. 364

* Betty Stark, known to the more junior officers of the Joint Staff Mission as &quot;Tugboat Annie,&quot; was an easy man to get on with. Ernie King on the other hand was a difficult man to like. He had recently become Commander-in-Chief US Fleet and was effectively in charge of the day to day running of the US Navy, leaving the grand strategy to stark. This arrangement did not really work, and in March Stark moved to London as Commander-in-Chief US Naval Forces Europe, while King became both C-in-CUS and CNO. Nobody ever found King an easy man. He appeared prejudiced against all things British, but was probably better described as a ferocious Americanophile. He considered that any deployment of American forces in Europe, or, worse, North Africa was wasted as it detracted from the main theatre of the US Navy, the Pacific. His biggest dislikes were mixing US and Royal Navy ships in a combined force, or allowing US Navy ships to serve under foreign, especially British, command.
** Robin Brodhurst, ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000), p. 206

:It seems to me that there are three qualities specially implied in this kind of genius, three powers which raise their possessor to the small inner hierarchy of leadership. The first is difficult to set down in a few words. We may call it visualizing power or sypnotic power, but these are ugly phrases. I mean the power of seeing a battle-front as a whole. A war is a contest between the total strength of two sides, not the strength in one section, not the strength in the field alone, but the sum total of qualities and assets by which nations are strong. Now there is nothing so common as the sectional view in war. A general selects one battleground as  the crucial one, but unless he is a very wise man he may be wrong, especially true in modern war, where the total assets of a nation are pledged to a degree unknown in the past, and where the calculations as to where lies the true centre of gravity must necessarily be highly intricate. Indeed, I think they are too intricate for human calculation; to divine the key-point something more is needed than methodical reasoning...

:The second quality in the mysterious art of the great captains is easier to define. It is the power of reading the heart of the enemy. It is less easy to practise; indeed, it is one of the rarest talents in our moral catalogue. Founded upon a thousand pieces of evidence, it yet cannot be merely a deduction from evidence. In the last resort it is an intuition, an instinct. A general is confronted with another general and staff, as to whose mind he is almost wholly in the dark. He gets stray bits of intelligence on which he can build theories, but even the best intelligence of this sort is imperfect and rarely amounts to a logical proof. He knows that his rival is studying him closely, and that it is a race between them for the extra margin of superior knowledge. He is anxious, and anxiety is not a good basis for clear vision. You remember the famous compliment which Sherman paid to Grant: &quot;I'll tell you where he beats me, and where he beats the world. He don't care a damn for what the enemy does out of his sight, but it scares me like hell.&quot; The great soldier must have the power of throwing off the restless anxiety of the competitor, and judging his opponent's mind calmly and objectively, and in the last resort flinging forward his own mind in a kind of inspired guess and divining that for which in the nature of things there can be no full evidence. All surprise in war is based on such intuitions...

:The third quality I find hard to describe. Perhaps I can best state it as the power to simplify, the capacity to make a simple syllogism, which, once it is made, is in the power only of genius. '''No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy.'''
:*John Buchanan, in his essay &quot;Great Captains&quot; in ''Recreations and Diversions'', quoted to describe King by Walter Muir Whitehill in the closing words of ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 656-657.

* In a period of one month- March 1942- King had inspired and advocated the plans and strategy that would govern the entire course of the war in the Pacific.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 192.

* King's attitude was a paradox. He griped about too many people getting decorations, but he refused to establish a policy that would end the confusion. Nimitz was his voice of conscience, besieging King to approve the Purple Heart or to define different grades for the Legion of Merit. But it was futile. King did nothing. Nimitz tried to force the issue at their January 1944 meeting in San Francisco by demanding a formal board to standardize the awarding of decorations. All the services had different rules, argued Nimitz, and the Army Air Force was notably generous. If the services could not agree on a common policy, then the President should act. King stalled with a promise to study the problem. King's thinking began to change in June 1944. Just before King had left to watch the Normandy landings, Abby Dunlap had warned him that when the war was over the Army Air Force would get all the credit and the Navy would be forgotten. King thought she was too pessimistic. But when he next saw Abby and Betsy Matter following the invasion, he told Abby she had been right.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 382

* '''King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 563.

* '''Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 565.

* King's role in the war was indispensable. He not only oversaw the expansion of the Navy, but he was also involved in plotting military strategy, directing the antisubmarine effort (he created the Tenth Fleet, a paper organization with himself at its head, to coordinate the antisubmarine war in the Atlantic), and helping coordinate American strategy and operations with those of the Allies. King retired in late 1945, shortly after promotion to five-star rank. For several years thereafter he served as an adviser to the Secretary of the Navy and to the President.
** James F. Dunnigan &amp; Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 351

* The major problem facing the Allies in 1942 was to agree on what they would do, and when and where they would do it. No plan had yet been drawn up by Eisenhower's directorate for the employment of assault landing craft for the coming conflicts in Europe and Japan. Although he would later be overruled, a stubborn Ernie King pursued a Pacific-first strategy that favored the navy.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 299

* Eisenhower did not participate in the final discussions leading to the demise of Sledgehammer. At their conclusion Marshall summoned Eisenhower to his suite in Claridge's. When Eisenhower arrived, the chief of staff was occupied in the bathroom, and their brief discussion took place through the door. In characteristic fashion Marshall announced that Eisenhower was being given the new title of deputy Allied commander in charge of planning for Torch, and that both he and Admiral King were backing his appointment to command the entire operation. Temporarily in limbo as the commander of American forces, pending the president's approval, Eisenhower reflected on Napoleon's remarks that a general must not permit himself to be impatient or distracted in any manner that would weaken or interfere with the execution of a major plan. When the Combined Chiefs of Staff met on July 25 and the subject of a commander for Torch was raised, the blunt-spoken Ernie King declared that the choice seemed obvious: &quot;Well, you've got him right here,&quot; he pointed out. &quot;Why not put it under Eisenhower?&quot; As he would later ascertain, Eisenhower once again had reason to regret his earlier criticism of King, who had become one of his strongest supporters.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 336

* '''[It was Admiral King's] custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves.'''
** Richard S. Edwards, Deputy Chief of Staff and Aide to the Commander in Chief, United States Fleet and then Deputy Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Deputy Chief of Naval Operations during World War II. A quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 654.

* I also went to see Admiral King. He was a naval officer of the frightening type, abrupt, decisive, and frequently blunt as to frighten his subordinates. In our conversation he stressed the point that the venture on which I was going to Britain would mark the first deliberate attempt by the American fighting services to set up a unified command in the field for a campaign of indefinite length. He assured me that he would do everything within his power to sustain my status of actual &quot;commander&quot; of American forces assigned to me. He said that he wanted no foolish talk about my authority depending upon &quot;co-operation and paramount interest.&quot; He insisted that there should be single responsibility and authority and he cordially invited me to communicate with him personally at any time that I thought there might be intentional or unintentional violation of this concept by the Navy.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 51

* We were scarcely well on the beaches when General Marshall, Admiral King, General Arnold, and a group from their respective staffs arrived in England. I arranged to take them into the beachhead during the day of June 12. Their presence, as they roamed around the areas with every indication of keen satisfaction, was heartening to the troops. The importance of such visits by the high command, including, at times, the highest officials of government, can scarcely be underestimated in terms of their value to the soldiers' morale. The soldier has a sense of gratification whenever he sees very high rank in his particular vicinity, possibly on the theory that the area is a safe one or the rank wouldn't be there.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 254

* Admiral King, commander in chief of United States Fleet, and directly subordinate to the President, is an arbitrary, stubborn type, with not too much brains and a tendency toward bullying his juniors. But I think he wants to fight, which is vastly encouraging.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on February 23, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 49.

* '''One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King.''' He's the antithesis of cooperation, a deliberately rude person, which means he's a mental bully. He became Commander in Chief of the fleet some time ago. Today he takes over, also, Stark's job as Chief of Naval Operations. It's a good thing to get rid of the double head of the Navy, and of course Stark was just a nice old lady, but this fellow is going to cause a blow-up sooner or later, I'll bet a cookie.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 10, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 50.

* Lest I look back at this book sometime and find that I've expressed a distaste for some person, and have put down no reason for my aversion, I record this one story of Admiral King. One day this week General Arnold sent a very important note to King. Through inadvertence, the stenographer in Arnold's office addressed it, on the outside, to &quot;Rear Admiral King&quot;. Twenty-four hours later the letter came back, unopened, with an arrow pointing to the &quot;Rear,&quot; thus: [Here a long, heavy arrow has been drawn in a diagonal line underneath and pointing to the word &quot;Rear.&quot;] And that's the size of man the Navy has at its head. He ought to be a big help winning this war.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 14, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 51.

* '''King had the brains, all right, but I hated his guts.'''
** James Forrestal, 48th United States Secretary of the Navy from 1944 to 1949, told an American senator this after the war. When King heard about it, he replied, &quot;I hated his guts, too.&quot; As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' by Johnathan W. Jordan, p. 472.

* The campaigns in the South Pacific, however, may not be regarded as simply the inevitable products of inexorable political and military logic. Events created a milieu, and others, notably President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made important contributions, but the South Pacific strategy was forged principally by one man, Admiral Ernest Joseph King. Here the strategy and command changes resulting from Pearl Harbor intersected, for the Japanese attack completed the remarkable resurrection of King's career. In 1942, King attained his sixty-fourth birthday and completed his forty-first year as a naval officer. His father was a seaman, a bridge builder, and finally a foreman in a railroad repair shop. Drawn to his father's workplace, young Ernest absorbed the complexities of gears and lathes and the simple unpretentiousness of the workmen. After graduating fourth in a class of eighty-seven from the Naval Academy, King pursued a career remarkable for its versatility, with important work in surface ships, submarines, and naval aviation. He completed all his assignments with distinction, for the brain beneath his balding pate was agile with technical matters and he possessed a prodigious memory.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 3-4

* Besides intelligence and dedication, one other pillar supported King's professional reputation: his toughness. He regarded exceptional performance of duty as the norm and evinced insensitivity or even callousness to his subordinates, upon whom he also frequently exercised his ferocious temper. But if King proved harsh with subordinates, he was no toady to superiors. Those who fell short of King's standards found he could be hostile, tactless, arrogant, and sometimes disrespectful or even insubordinate. As a junior officer this conduct earned him more than a healthy share of disciplinary action. He defined the span of his concerns beyond his career when he once commented, &quot;You ought to be very suspicious of anyone who won't take a drink or doesn't like women. King, the father of seven, was deficient in neither category.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 4

* Early in World War II, Captain George C. Dyer served on Admiral King's staff and estimated that his headquarters would require a staff of four hundred people. King blew up and said that since he got by with fourteen while a flag officer at sea, fifty would be the maximum he would tolerate on land. Dyer subsequently went to the Pacific, was severely wounded, and was sent to Bethesda Naval Hospital to recover. While Dyer was in the area, King invited him to stop by his office; and when he came in, King handed him a paper that reported current staffing at 416. It was King's way of admitting he was wrong. '''Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character. It must have been; few sarcastic individuals rise to the top in the military profession- or stay there if they do- especially when the job includes tangling with the President on a frequent basis. Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality.'''
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 57

* King also repaired his deteriorating relationship with the press. This relationship had become so bad that journalists were circulating unfounded stories in order to force Roosevelt to relieve him. King's attorney, Cornelius H. Bull, recognized that this dismissal would not be in the country's best interests; so Bull got together with Glen Perry, the assistant chief for the ''New York Sun'', in the ''Sun'''s Washington office. Together they proposed that King meet privately with a selected group of journalists at Bull's home in Alexandria, Virginia, and level with them off the record. King agreed reluctantly, predicting that there would only be one such meeting. In this he was dead wrong. Those meetings continued for the balance of the war, by the end of which the &quot;members&quot; came almost to revere King. He in turn developed a great deal of respect and regard for them. And he kept his job.
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 66

* Dear Ernie, &lt;br&gt;It has been an education, and a very pleasant one, to serve under you this past winter. May I thank you for your patience of me personally and for the professional lessons you have given me- '''I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions.''' The best of luck always- may your new job be to your liking- and here's hoping for more stars afloat. &lt;br&gt;Always sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Bill Halsey.
** William F. Halsey, in a handwritten note from Halsey to Ernest King on 22 June 1939, as quoted by Walter R. Borneman in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy, and King: The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 180

* Once the decision to build up the Navy was taken, strong men of clear vision quickly rose to the top of the service hierarchy. Chief among these were Adm Ernest King and VAdm Chester Nimitz, men of such consummate skill that the ennui of the prewar years had virtually no impact upon their abilities and sensibilities as commanders or as men. Others slightly less senior were pulled forward by the enormous suction created by King's and Nimitz's rise to the top.
** Eric Hammell, ''Guadalacanal: Decision at Sea: The Naval Battle of Guadalcanal November 13-15, 1942'' (1988), p. 12

* Admiral King's role in the development of strategy for defeating Japan is very difficult to evaluate in detail. Officially he approved or disapproved recommendations that came to him as Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations and as one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, from his own naval planners, and from the joint planners in Washington. Frequently these recommendations had already been influenced by his own views. Still many of the objectives he preferred, most notably Formosa, were bypassed, and much of the time his recommendations were only in terms of areas or island groups. He accepted without question the specific objectives deemed by the operating commands most suitable. The one who came closest to Admiral King in his basic view that the Japanese should be kept under constant pressure was not a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but the Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area, General MacArthur. Although his role was to recommend and then accept a decision from the JCS, and many of his views on strategy differed sharply from those endorsed by the JCS, his repeated efforts to get more support for his area of command and to push ahead as rapidly and with as much force as possible helped to insure that the war against Japan did not become a forgotten war and were largely responsible for the development of the advance on two axes.
** Grace Person Hayes, ''The History of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in World War II: The War Against Japan'' (1982) by Grace Person Hayes, p. 725-726

* The military leadership styles of these two naval officers are contrasting in several ways. King was an immoral, self-serving leader who was notably brutal to subordinates and abrasive with Allied military leaders and politicians alike. Nimitz, however, was a moral leader who served is country selflessly, and he was engaging and supportive of his staff as well as sister service members and Allied military leaders and politicians. Really, both men serve as dissimilar examples of naval leadership during World War II and Nimitz's style more closely aligns with the leadership style of Marshall and Eisenhower than it does with King.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 33

* The belief that King was well versed in naval surface and aerial warfare and that he was technically competent in the use of naval warfare is widely accepted by authors assessing King as a naval leader and is not in question in this monograph. What is examined in this monograph is King's leadership abilities absent his technical naval skills. This analysis will demonstrate that King was perceived as a toxic leader who was known to be petulant, overly emotional, stubborn, egotistical, and immoral. These leadership traits, more than anything else define King, and these negative traits affected how he engaged those he led, US and Allied leaders, and even his own family.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 34

* Despite his efforts to win over his subordinates, King did not mind overworking his staff. When he was a flag officer, King preferred a small staff of eleven officers who were skilled and competent. He believed that this was the most efficient way to conduct naval planning and the right way to best utilize manpower. Smaller staffs, however, mean greater work for less people, and that is true as much today as it was then. Buell notes that staffers for King worked long hours and frequently on weekends, knew what King expected of them, but always received few comments for or against a submitted plan. In short, King was a difficult leader to develop plans for. He was extremely general and vague in his initial guidance, and the staff therefore had to try and figure out what he really wanted. Buell notes that even after numerous drafts, if King did not like a plan he would rip it up in front of the officer presenting it and write it himself on the spot.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 35

* Tough as nails and carried himself as stiffly as a poker. He was blunt and stand-offish, almost to the point of rudeness. At the start, he was intolerant and suspicious of all things British, especially the Royal Navy; but he was almost equally intolerant and suspicious of the American Army. War against Japan was the problem to which he had devoted the study of a lifetime, and he resented the idea of American resources being used for any other purpose than to destroy the Japanese. He mistrusted Churchill's powers of advocacy, and was apprehensive that he would wheedle President Roosevelt into neglecting the war in the Pacific.
** Hastings Lionel Ismay, 1st Baron Ismay, chief of staff to Winston Churchill during World War II, in his book The Memoirs of General Lord Ismay (1974), p. 253.

* Our Chiefs felt that they knew so little of what was really going on in the Pacific, of what the U.S. Navy planned to do, and of the amount of resources that these plans would absorb, that some enlightenment would be valuable. They also felt that 'Uncle Ernie' would take a less jaundiced view of the rest of the world if he had been able to shoot his line about the Pacific and get it off his chest.
** Sir Ian Jacob, secretary to the British Chiefs of Staff, in a written comment on the first day of the Casablanca Conference on 14 January 1943. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 271

* While Ernie King loved history, there was one story from ancient times that may have escaped his notice. As a boy, the Greek admiral Themistocles was said to have been taken by his father to a deserted beach, where his father showed him the carcasses of old war galleys lying sun-baked, prostrate, and neglected. That, his father told him, is how a democracy treats its leaders when they no longer have use for them. King had once objected to a wartime pay raise for soldiers, sailors, and officers. When the shooting stopped, he said, a grateful nation would distribute just rewards to the men who had brought them safely through the fire. When asked if he would write a book about the war, King replied that while he would do it, the book would have only two words: &quot;We won.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 471-472.

* The admiral who shaved with a blowtorch had given no thought to life after the war. Like Patton, Grant, Sherman and other men who stare transfixed into the bonfires of Mars, King settled into the realization on the day Japan's emissaries signed the surrender documents, he had accomplished his life's work. &quot;King was a lost soul when the war was over,&quot; said one friend. &quot;He had served his purpose. He had done what he had set out to do. He had won his part of the war.&quot; There would be a massive demobilization as the Navy returned its men to civilian life. The Pearl Harbor inquiry would become public, Congress would slash the Navy's budget, and old salts like himself would be put out to pasture, to make way for younger admirals.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* With Forrestal as Navy secretary, King knew retirement would follow quickly. He had gotten along with Knox only because the Chicago newsman knew nothing about the Navy, admitted it, and stayed out of King's way. Forrestal would not. During the war, King had cursed Forrestal out in the halls of the Navy Department, and had browbeaten him into staying out of naval operations. &quot;I didn't like him, and he didn't like me,&quot; King said.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* King's oaken hull began to split in 1947, when he suffered a stroke. His mind remained alert, but his iron-plated timbers began to creak and sag. He moved into a suite at Bethesda Naval Hospital for full-time care, and at one point he shared a floor with the acutely depressed James Forrestal, who ended his life by jumping from the sixteenth-floor window in 1949. King spent the next seven summers at the naval hospital in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He slipped his moorings and sailed over the bar on June 25, 1956, at the age of seventy-eight. He was buried at Annapolis, home of the United States Naval Academy. The only hymn sung at his funeral was a Navy anthem, an old favorite of Roosevelt's: &quot;Eternal Father, Strong to Save.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473.

* King, sixty-three years old in 1942, was as gruff a man as Nimitz was a serene one. Hard-drinking and legendarily ill-tempered, he once confessed that he had not actually uttered the self-descriptive epithet &quot;when they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches&quot; but that he would have if he had thought of it. Yet King's choleric manner masked an incisive strategic intelligence, possessed of qualities that perfectly fitted him for senior command: the ability to anticipate, the capacity for penetrating analysis of his adversary's predicaments, an unerring grasp of the reach and limits of his own forces, and a pit bull's determination to seize the initiative and attack, attack, attack.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* King had grown up alone with his father in an Ohio household from which his chronically ailing mother had been removed. He was ever after a loner, a brusque man who fathered seven children but seemed to love only the Navy.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* &quot;When they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches.&quot; Asked whether he had said said this, Admiral King replied no, he had not, but he would have if he had thought of it. They were indeed in trouble when they sent for King, bringing him from the brink of retirement to be Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and King would have been ready to admit that he enjoyed a reputation for toughness and ill temper that had few equals in the upper ranks of the U.S. Navy. He took charge of that navy at the depths of its despair and lifted it to the heights of triumph. He was a hard man in a hard time, well suited to lead a fighting fleet, but he was also a thoughtful man of a breadth and incisiveness that gave him an early and enduring grip on Allied strategy. Much of the war went the way he wished it to. The strongest mind within the American Joint Chiefs of Staff was the mind of Ernest J. King.
** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants and Their War'' (1987), p. 153

* Throughout the war, the four of us- Marshall, King, Arnold, and myself- worked in the closest possible harmony. In the postwar period, General Marshall and I disagreed sharply on some aspects of our foreign political policy. However, as a soldier, he was in my opinion one of the best, and his drive, courage, and imagination transformed America's citizen army into the most magnificent fighting force ever assembled. In number of men and logistical requirements, his army operations were by far the largest. This meant that more time of the Joint Chiefs were spent on his problems than on any others- and he invariably presented them with skill and clarity. King had an equally difficult task. His fleets had to hold Japan at bay while convoying millions of tons of supplies for the second front. '''He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret.''' The President had a high opinion of King's ability but he was a very undiplomatic person, especially when the Admiral's low boiling point would be reached in some altercation with the British. King would have preferred to put more power into the Asiatic war earlier. He supported loyally the general strategy of beating Germany first, but this often required concessions of ships which he did not like to make. He could not spare much, since, until the last months of the war, he was working with a deficit of ships. America was fighting a two-ocean war for the first time in its history.
** [[William D. Leahy]], ''I Was There'' (1950), p. 104

* Partial to Baltimore. Won fame in Massachusetts in Spanish war. The Saturday Night Club during youngster year. Then Stein and he reformed. Noon-walks. Spoons occasionally. Hops,- Well, yes! Temper? Don't fool with nitroglycerin. Court beauty No. 2. Rooms with the &quot;Full Dinner Pail&quot;. Laugh as rosy as his cheeks.
** Description of King in ''Lucky Bag'' (1901), yearbook of the United States Naval Academy, p. 35

* Admiral King claimed the Pacific as the rightful domain of the Navy; he seemed to regard the operations there as almost his own private war; he apparently felt that the only way to remove the blot on the Navy disaster at Pearl Harbor was to have the Navy command a great victory over Japan; he was adamant in his refusal to allow any major fleet to be under other command than that of naval officers although maintaining that naval officers were competent to command ground or air forces; he resented the prominent part I had in the Pacific War; he was vehement in his personal criticism of me and encouraged Navy propaganda to that end; he had the complete support of President Roosevelt and his Chief of Staff, Admiral Leahy, and in many cases of General Arnold, the head of the Air Force.
** [[George Marshall]], in conversation with Douglas MacArthur during a visit to him following the Tehran conference in late 1943. As quoted in ''Reminiscences'' (1964) by Douglas MacArthur, p. 183

* King never forgot a grudge. Now, he's used you to get back at me.
** Charles B. McVay, Jr., as quoted by Richard F. Newcomb in ''Abandon Ship''. King had been a junior officer under the old man's command when King and other officers sneaked some women aboard a ship. Admiral McVay had a letter of reprimand placed in King's record.

* King brought great operational experience, a powerful mind, and an eccentric and unbending personality.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44

* King was a brilliant naval officer and exceptionally capable seaman. But he had a willful, mean, and brittle side to his nature that limited his effectiveness as a leader charged with bringing new people and new ideas to bear on problems of developing untraditional and unanticipated ways of waging warfare.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44-46

* Roosevelt, who had been assistant secretary of the navy during World War I and maintained a proprietary interest in the service, had a hand in the choice of the sixty-three-year-old King as CINCLANT. Tough, brilliant, and short-tempered- Roosevelt said &quot;he shaved with a blow torch&quot;- King was an aviator, a submariner, and a staff officer, and the president's idea of a fighting sailor. Only a short time before, the admiral had been passed over for a top command and was headed for retirement, because, it was said, he drank too much, chased other men's wives, and had too many enemies. &quot;When they get into trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches,&quot; was his explanation for this reversal of fortune.
** Nathaniel Miller, ''War at Sea: A Naval History of World War II'' (1995), p. 190

* King was a sailor's sailor. He believed what was good for the Navy was good for the United States, and indeed the world. In that sense and that alone he was narrow. But he had a firm grasp of naval strategy and tactics, an encyclopedic knowledge of naval detail, an immense capacity for work, and complete integrity. Endowed with a superior intellect himself, he had no tolerance for fools or weaklings. He hated publicity, did not lend himself to popular buildup, and was the despair of interviewers. Unlike Admiral Stark's decisions, King's were made quickly and without much consultation; when anyone tried to argue with him beyond a certain point, a characteristic bleak look came over his countenance as a signal that his mind was made up and further discussion was useless. Although he had nothing of the courtier in his makeup, King acquired and retained the confidence and esteem of President Roosevelt. The two men were in a sense complimentary. Each had what the other lacked, and in concert with General Marshall, who shared the qualities of both, they formed a perfect winning team. The Republic has never had more efficient, intelligent and upright servants than these three men.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 103

* '''Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory.''' A stern sailor of commanding presence, vast sea-knowledge, and keen strategic sense, he was so insistent on maintaining the independence of the Navy, not only from our great Ally but from the Army, that he seemed at times to be anti-British and anti-Army. Neither was true; but King's one mistaken idea was his steady opposition to &quot;mixed groups&quot; from different Navies in the same task force; an idea strengthened by the unfortunate experience of the ABDA command... We may, however, concede to Admiral King a few prejudices, for he was undoubtedly the best naval strategist and organizer in our history. His insistence on limited offensives to keep the Japanese off balance, his successful efforts to provide more and more escorts for convoys, his promotion of the escort carrier antisubmarine groups, his constant backing of General Marshall to produce a firm date for Operation OVERLORD from the reluctant British; his insistence on the dual approach to Japan, are but a few of the many decisions that prove his genius. King's strategy for the defeat of Japan- the Formosa and China Coast approach, rather than the Luzon-Okinawa route- was overruled; but may well, in the long run, have been better than MacArthur's, which was adopted. King was also defeated in his many attempts to interest the Royal Navy in a Southeast Asia comeback; and in this he was right. The liberation of Malaya before the war's end would have spared the British Empire a long battle with local Communists and would have provided at least a more orderly transfer of sovereignty in the Netherlands East Indies.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 579-580

* He was a seadog who, despite his age (he was sixty-three, two years older than Marshall) had teeth and knew how to use them. Ashamed of the Navy's errors in Hawaii, he stormed into his new office under full sail, having been appointed by the President not only as Navy Chief of Staff but also as Commander in Chief of U.S. Navy Operations. The acronym for that had previously been CINCUS, but it is indicative of King's frame of mind that he thought it sounded too much like &quot;Sink Us&quot; with its Pearl Harbor connotations, and therefore had it changed to COMINCH. By presidential decree, he became the most powerful sailor in the history of the U.S. Navy, able to make operational and policy decisions over the head of the Secretary of the Navy himself, Colonel Frank Knox.
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196

* In character, Ernie King was the direct antithesis of General George Marshall. It is true that they had in common a liking for attractive women, but while Marshall's mood lightened at the sight of a pretty face, King reached out at the approach of a seductive female rump. He was an inveterate bottom pincher, and the benchmarks of many a bright young officer's promotion in the Navy were the bruises on his wife's shapely posterior. King was very much married, with a family of six daughters and a son. His wife, Mattie, was one of those spouses who used to be referred to as &quot;long-suffering.&quot; She had known the time when her husband had been not only a dogged chaser of naval wives but a hard drinker, too, passed over for promotion on one crucial occasion for suspected alcoholism; but, typical of his strength of mind, he had taken the pledge to eschew hard liquor for the duration of the war and now sipped only an occasional sherry. He had taken no similar pledge to eschew the opposite sex, and Mattie King had learned to live with that, though she did occasionally retaliate by finding out which naval wife King happened to be visiting. She would then telephone and, refusing to speak to her husband, would simply leave the message: &quot;Tell him his wife called.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196-197

* For all his human weaknesses, however, King was a magnificent sailor who excelled in all branches of seamanship. He had commanded a flotilla of destroyers in World War I with great skill and distinction. He was the hero of a between-wars catastrophe when a U.S. submarine- the ''S51''- went down with all hands, and he and a team of divers had successfully raised it to the surface against all expert prognostications, though too late to save the crew. He was the pioneer of that new branch of the post-World War I Navy, the Air Division Command, had learned to fly a plane and land it on the deck of one of the first American aircraft carriers, which he had successfully commanded. He shared one other quality with Marshall: patience. Like the Army Chief of Staff, he had waited years for promotion, and though his elbow-bending propensities hadn't helped him, he had held in there, enduring and waiting. As he said later, when the top job finally arrived, &quot;If one can only hold on for a little time longer, things will be eased up and in due time the trouble will iron out. That has been my own belief, not to say creed, but it works out for me.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 197

* From the beginning of his service as chief of naval operations and fleet commander- a fusion of responsibilities unknown in the navy's history- King proved he would fight the war his way, which meant an institutional focus on the Pacific war, a focus so intense that King himself botched the war on the German U-boats in 1942. He simply ignored this failure and pushed for more offensive action in the Pacific. He disagreed with cautious colleagues or superiors more often than not. He said no with routine abruptness to FDR, Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox, George C. Marshall, Douglas MacArthur, and the British representatives on the Combined Chiefs of Staff. He had an overriding strategic goal: to destroy the Japanese military might and to detach the U.S. Navy from the thrall of the British and MacArthur. Unlike MacArthur, King had no roots in Congress, the media, or any political party. Instead, he depended entirely o his absolute sense of purpose and strategic correctness to insist that the Allies could not defeat the Japanese along the Malay barrier at an acceptable cost in time and lives.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 337

* King's greatest political-strategic victory of the war came over the British and U.S. armies in 1943 when he won formal recognition from Roosevelt and Churchill that the war with Japan could be won only by an American naval campaign across the Central Pacific, a campaign directed by him and his principal field subordinate, Chester W. Nimitz. The first phase of the debate occurred before, during, and after two Roosevelt-Churchill conferences in early 1943: &quot;Trident&quot; in Washington, D.C., and &quot;Quadrant&quot; in Quebec. Aided by his best strategist, Admiral Cooke, King fought for his version of JCS 287, an American-drafted &quot;Strategic Plan for the Defeat of Japan.&quot; In its earliest drafts, this plan simply reflected the current reality that there were campaigns under way in Burma, China, and the South Pacific. Although army planners, dedicated to a second front in Europe, showed little interest in the war with Japan, the army still endorsed MacArthur's &quot;I Shall Return&quot; campaign. King insisted that any campaign should focus on the destruction of Japan's overseas resources, which meant an offensive direct only toward the Western Pacific sea lanes. He played on FDR's declining confidence that the British and Chinese would ever contribute much to a war of economic strangulation against Japan. When the British chiefs finally admitted that they would not release force from the Mediterranean for Asia, King pressed for the endorsement of CCS 242/6, &quot;Agreed Essentials in the Conduct of the War, which basically made the war with Japan an American responsibility. Roosevelt and Churchill approved this document on 25 May 1943.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 338

* By the end of 1943, King had largely succeeded in not only making the United States the principal arbiter of Pacific strategy but in making American strategy synonymous with navy strategy.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 339

* Ever since General Billy Mitchell had demonstrated twenty years before that warships could be bombed successfully from the air, the US Navy had been alive to the significance of naval aviation. In the 1920s the Navy commissioned the carriers ''Lexington'' and ''Saratoga'', the largest ships afloat until the war. Under Admiral King's leadership in the 1930s naval aviation made great strides in tactics and training. King's own career was linked with naval aviation. He had taught himself to fly when he was well over forty, and was commander of the carrier forces in the late 1930s. He was not a big battleship sailor; certainly not the man to pick up Yamamoto's challenge to a fleet duel.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 38

* Whether or not the British would in the end have baulked at Overlord remains an open question. By late 1943 a great deal of planning and force preparation had already been carried out, and they risked a serious breach with a watchful ally, growing more confident of its power month by month. But in the end the decision was taken out of their hands. At the end of November the three Allied leaders agreed to meet at Teheran. Rather than argue any more with the British, American leaders planned to outmaneuver them. The two western Allies met first at Cairo to discuss issues from the Far East and, so the British expected, the Mediterranean. Relations between the two military staffs were poorer than ever. Brooke became uncharacteristically intemperate; Admiral King, commander of the American navy, came close on one occasion to striking him. But on issues to do with Overlord and the Mediterranean the Americans remained silent, leaving the floor to their ally. When pressed they replied that the issues would be discussed when they met Stalin.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 142

* King had earned a reputation for brilliance and toughness, not to say harshness. He was generally reputed to be cold, aloof, and humorless. Ladislas Farago, who served under King, in his book ''The Tenth Fleet'' describes the new commander in chief: &quot;Tall, gaunt and taut, with a high dome, piercing eyes, aquiline nose, and a firm jaw, he looked somewhat like Hogarth's etching of Don Quixote but he had none of the old knight's fancy dreams. He was a supreme realist with the arrogance of genius... He was a grim taskmaster, as hard on himself as others. He rarely cracked a smile and had neither time nor disposition for ephemeral pleasantries. He inspired respect but not love, and King wanted it that way.&quot; The description is, of course, as stereotype, as Farago readily admitted. King could turn a reasonably benevolent eye upon a subordinate who produced to suit him, and in return elicit a degree of wry affection. On the other hand, he was utterly intolerant of stupidity, inefficiency, and laziness. He hated dishonesty and pretension, despised yes-men, and had no patience with indecisive Hamlet types. He could be completely ruthless. On one occasion he sent a commander to relieve a rear admiral who, in King's opinion, had failed to measure up- with orders that the admiral be out of the Navy Department building by five o'clock that afternoon.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 31

* In actual practice much of the Pacific war was devised by Admirals King and Nimitz. They were thus thrown into the closest cooperation, though most of the time they were far apart geographically. They maintained a constant dialogue in the form of radio dispatches, often several a day, letters, exchanges of representatives, and periodic meetings, usually in the Federal Building, San Francisco, King flying there from Washington and Nimitz from his headquarters in the Pacific. Though Admiral King's tone in communicating with Nimitz was occasionally acerbic, as was his nature, it is clear that the two commanders greatly respected each other. At the end of the war, King recommended Nimitz to be his successor as Chief of Naval Operations. Although their styles were in sharp contrast, King and Nimitz were more alike than different. Simplicity and directness were the keynotes of their characters. They were both dedicated to their country and to the Navy, though King's interests were more narrowly naval. Both were men of integrity and keen intelligence, and both were born strategists and organizers, with a genius for clarifying and simplifying and a jaundiced eye for the useless complications and waste emotion. Their chief difference lay in their attitudes toward their fellow human beings. King had little of Nimitz's understanding of, and empathy for, people. Said one of King's wartime associates, &quot;Every great man has his blind spot, and his was personnel.&quot; King went to great lengths to draw into his command the sort of men he wanted and to eliminate those he did not. The results were not always fortunate. Several cases of his placing the wrong man in the wrong spot for the wrong reasons could be cited.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 32

* While directing the movements of his ships in the western Pacific, Yamamoto, who fully realized the potential strength of the United States, was watching for the reaction of Nimitz and the possible approach of reinforcements. Neither King nor Nimitz could be lured into false moves by any of his strategems or taunted into premature action by newspaper critics at home.
** W.D. Puleston, ''The Influence of Sea Power in World War II'' (1947), p. 122

* '''So what, old top?'''
** Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a note written in reply to a message from King after the admiral had turned 64 on November 23, 1942, thus reaching mandatory retirement age. As quoted in ''FDR's World: War, Peace, and Legacies (2008)'' by David B. Woolner, Warren F. Kimball, and David Reynolds, p. 70.

* ['''King was] perhaps the most disliked Allied leader of World War II. Only British Field Marshal Montgomery may have had more enemies...''' King also loved parties and often drank to excess. Apparently, he reserved his charm for the wives of fellow naval officers. '''On the job, he &quot;seemed always to be angry or annoyed&quot;.'''
** John Ray Stakes, in his book ''The Invasion of Japan: Alternative to the Bomb (2000)''.

* The news was a stunning blow, and it quickly rippled all the way back to Pearl Harbor and to Admiral Ernest King, Chief of Naval Operations, in Washington, D.C. Both King and Admiral Nimitz, in particular, were concerned about the impact of the tragedy on the impending plans to bomb Japan. They feared a controversy in the midst of what could be the war's- and the Navy's- finest hour.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way: The Sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the Extraordinary Story of its Survivors'' (2001), p. 239

* The trial would begin in five days, on December 3, 1945. Admiral Nimitz and Admiral Spruance had disagreed with the inquiry's initial recommendation and suggested a letter of reprimand. However, the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral King a stern and &quot;by-the-book&quot; Navy man, pressed for the trial, and Secretary Forrestal agreed... McVay had less than a week to prepare his defense. King, eager to hurry the proceedings, had refused McVay his first choice of counsel when his preferred lawyer proved not immediately available. McVay wound up with an inexperienced lawyer.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way'' (2001), p. 262-263.

* Brooke got nasty, and King got good and sore. King almost climbed over the table at Brooke. God, he was mad. I wished he had socked him.
** Joseph Warren Stilwell, referring to an argument King had with British Field Marshal Alan Brooke at the Casablanca Conference in 1943, in which Brooke accused King of favoring the Pacific war. Sourced from ''George C. Marshall: Organizer of Victory 1943-1945 (1973)'' by Forrest C. Pogue, p. 305.

* Summoned to Washington to assume the post of commander in chief of the U.S. Fleet after Admiral Kimmel's relief, King was a vigorous, aggressive leader whose masterful performance as head of the Atlantic Fleet during 1941 had won him the respect and admiration of Knox and Roosevelt. An old friend and associate of Admiral Stark, he had- even before the latter's departure- assumed the leading role in shaping the Navy's approach to grand strategy. Arrogant, aloof, and suspicious, a &quot;sundowner,&quot; or strict disciplinarian, King inspired respect in many but affection in few. His admirers professed to see in him a brilliant strategist. To be sure, in sheer intellect he far overmatched his JCS colleagues, but his outlook was so strongly shaped by his intense and narrow devotion to Navy interests that he was seldom able to take a detached view of any strategic problem.
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 126-127

* Whatever his failings in interpersonal relations, King was a superb administrator and a determined foe of bureaucratization. His Fleet Staff was kept purposefully small and officers were constantly rotated in from sea duty, then rotated out again in a year or so- before they could acquire what King balefully referred to as &quot;the Washington mentality.&quot;
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 127

* [King was] opinionated, short-tempered, highly irascible, and rude.
** Mark A. Stoler, ''George C. Marshall: Soldier-Statesman of the American Century'' (1989), p. 116-117

* Admiral Ernest J. King was the exacting, hard-driving Chief of Naval Operations.
** C.L. Sulzberger, in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 313

* '''Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington.'''
** C.L. Sulzberger, in ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 335

* The admirals' academy careers are a study in contrasts. King made the best record. He was one of the lucky plebes who reached the Caribbean during the Spanish-American War, although he missed the Battle of Santiago. A star man in academic standing and a member of the junior varsity football team, the Hustlers, throughout his four years at the academy, in his first-class year he was chosen to command the battalion and graduated number four in a class of sixty-seven. His last year was dangerous, however. Put on report three times for smoking, he narrowly escaped a spell in the ''Santee'' and invited much more serious trouble by Frenching out to visit a girl in Annapolis. On one occasion a friend, learning of an unscheduled inspection at 10:00pm, loyally frenched out himself to bring King back on time. A few years later King was assigned to the Executive Department at the academy. At dinner with the midshipmen in Bancroft Hall one evening he was asked if he had ever frenched out. He admitted that he had. The next question was, &quot;Did you ever get caught?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; King replied, &quot;but I almost did.&quot; &quot;How did you manage not to?&quot; the midshipman persisted. &quot;I am afraid I cannot tell you now,&quot; King parried, &quot;but when you graduate, come out to my house and I will give you a drink and tell you how to French out and not be caught.&quot;
** Jack Sweetman, ''The United States Naval Academy: An Illustrated History'' (1995), 2nd Edition, edited by Thomas J. Cutler, p. 151-152

* We knew that America needed a shot in the national arm. Since December 7, 1941, our national heritage had yielded to a prideless humiliation. Half of our fleet still sat on the bottom of Pearl Harbor. The Philippines were gone, Guam and Wake had fallen, the Japanese were approaching Australia. What Admiral King saw, and what he jammed down the throats of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was that just possibly the mighty Japanese had overextended. He saw that just possibly a strike by us could halt their eastward parade. The only weapon he held, the only weapon America held, was a woefully understrength fleet and one woefully ill-equipped and partially trained Marine division.
** Alexander Vandegrift, reflecting on the commencement of the Battle of Guadalcanal, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 18

* Ernest King was something else again. Although I had met him in prewar years, neither I nor many people ever knew him. His prewar reputation- juniors liked to say he shaved with a blowtorch- raised him to almost demigod status in the eyes of some of his subordinates. Probably because the Marine Corps boasted its unique brand of toughness I wasn't much concerned about his reputation. Upon paying my first call to him as Commandant I did think we should understand each other, so before taking my leave I said, &quot;Admiral, I want to tell you what I have always told seniors when reporting for duty. If one of your decisions is in my opinion going to affect the Marine Corps adversely, I shall feel it my duty to explain our position on the subject, no matter how disagreeable this may be. If you disagree, I expect to keep right on explaining until such time as you make a final decision. If I do not agree with that, I will try to work with it anyway. I say this, sir, because if you want a rubber stamp you can go to the nearest Kresge store and buy one for twenty-five cents.&quot; King stared at me a moment, then abruptly nodded his head- a characteristic gesture. In the event, I worked more closely with his deputy chief, Admiral Horne, his chief of staff, Admiral Edwards, and his planner, Admiral Savvy Cooke. [On a few matters] I was forced to go to him and I generally won my point.
** Alexander Vandegrift, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 238

* Sir John Dill was a gentle genius at covering the waterfront in Washington for King and Country and for the ever present (in person or in spirit) Winston Churchill. During the critical war days he insinuated himself into the confidence of almost every important American. He enjoyed perhaps the most preferred position of any foreigner in our nation's capital. His diplomatic skill, tact, and calm philosophical manner were all disarming. I was always mindful of the fact that his first loyalty was to England. Although I admired and respected him, I tried never to forget for a moment that day and night his efforts were concentrated on furthering British interests. When British interests contravened American, I simply resisted Dill's maneuvers. Unfortunately there was no one in a high American position who seemed as alert to American interests as Dill was to British, except possibly Admiral King.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 165

* In my judgment King was the strongest man on the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. He had a keen, analytical mind. He was incisive and direct in his approach to the solution of a problem. He did not understand and could not engage in small talk. Perhaps he took himself too seriously, for he seemed outwardly to be devoid of a sense of humor. Years of military training had left their stamp- a rigidly self-disciplined man who did not ask anyone to conform to a strict code unless he himself within his own conscience knew that he was capable of performing in a similar manner. He never engaged in a sarcasm and was completely selfless. If he had been a smoothie or a person given to double talk, he might have easily assuaged the hurt feelings of the British when he took a definite position against their efforts to commit practically everything to the Mediterranean.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 184

* To Admiral of the Fleet Ernest J. King, an Undistinguished Service Stripe and Promotion to Grand Old Salt of the Alexandria Reserves: For conspicuous bravery and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty in performance of which he brilliantly rejected his best professional advice and daringly ignored his own natural instincts, and alone and single-handedly, at a moment when adverse winds of publicity were threatening to sink the whole fleet, exposed himself to a frontal assault by the picked shock troops of the journalistic enemy led by some of the most reprehensible and blood-thirsty Washington correspondents, and from that moment on, never retiring to cover from their incessant salvos of cross-fire, stormed the enemy in its own defenses and in the decisive and little-known Battle of Virginia conquered and captivated them completely.
** Tongue-in-cheek award presented by a group of 26 members of the press in Washington, D.C. during World War II, the &quot;Surviving Veterans of the Battle of Virginia&quot;, at a dinner held by these correspondents in King's honor in October 1945. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 652.

* Although reputed to be a real &quot;hard-nose&quot;, '''King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love.'''
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 233.

* Then, as the troops again presented arms, the firing squad fired three volleys, and as the bugler sounded &quot;Taps&quot;, the last of the seventeen-gun salute boomed out from across the river. The bodybearers folded the flag, gave it to King's son, and after a few minutes of quiet conversation, the mourners scattered. Nothing could have been at once more simpler and more magnificent, or more appropriate to the man. But to most of the midshipmen at the grave, King- and indeed Nimitz, Halsey, and Hewitt, who were among his pallbearers- must have seemed as distant figures as Dewey, Farragut, or even the sailors of the earliest wars of the Republic. The Class of 1958 is two full generations removed from the Class of 1901, and to a very young man this degree of remoteness borders on that of eternity. '''So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown.''' The speed of this process has led me to offer this perhaps discursive tribute of affection and respect to a figure of naval history that I had the good fortune, in his last years, to know as a man, rather than as a name.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, describing King's funeral, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 512.

* In all my conversations with Admiral King I have been forcibly struck by the essential simplicity of his mind and his manner, by his concentration on broad general principles, and by his complete lack of interest in the smaller details of problems or personalities.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 654.

* At meetings of the Combined Chiefs of Staff, King consistently and frankly maintained the attitude that his war was against the Japanese. Nor is this surprising. The Pacific War was a maritime struggle in which the Navy was unquestionably the senior service apply the power of the other services in execution of its own strategy. King was a proud and ambitious man. In the Pacific his navy could win honour and glory on its own account, but in the Atlantic there was no enemy worthy of its steel. There it would be reduced to the menial role of escorting convoys and supporting the amphibious operations of the Army, which every American sailor had been brought up to regard with antagonism and contempt.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 107-108

* Furthermore, in European waters American warships would almost certainly have to fight under the overall command of the Royal Navy, which King regarded as obsolete and incompetent. He is credited with having said, &quot;I fought under the goddam British in the First World War and if I can help it, no ship of mine will fight under 'em again.&quot; Whether or not this remark reflected his considered views, it is beyond dispute that he consistently sought to restrict the employment of U.S. naval forces in the war against Germany. Because he took this stand, and because Roosevelt had justifiable confidence in his professional judgment and efficiency, King was to exert a powerful influence on the development of Anglo-American strategy during the next three years.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 108

* ''Neque Glauci regno nec Neptuni nec ipsis Iovis Tonantis intemerato''.
* '''You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer.'''
** Edward Frederick Lindley Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax, then Chancellor of Oxford University, as he presented King with an honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law in June 1946. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 5.

* Franklin Roosevelt's wartime Chief of Naval Operations, the boss of the most powerful Navy in history; a classic s.o.b. and an undeniably great American, who played a major role in winning the war. Ernest King in legend was so tough that he shaved with a blowtorch, and he pretty much comes off that way in Buell's vigorous portrait.
** Herman Wouk, in a review of ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, featured on the back of the book's dust jacket.

=== Award Citations ===
[[File:80-G-43365 (32360533453).jpg|thumb|King's honorary &quot;commission&quot; as an Admiral in the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska in September 1943.]]
[[File:US-O11 insignia.svg|thumb|With exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.]]

* The Navy Cross is presented to Ernest Joseph King, Captain, U.S. Navy, for distinguished service in the line of his profession as Assistant Chief of Staff of the Atlantic Fleet.
** Citation for King's Navy Cross medal, awarded when the medal was established in 1919 and first awarded retroactively to servicemen for actions during World War I. At the time King received the Navy Cross, it was not exclusively a high decoration for valor in combat (second only to the Medal of Honor), but also an award for distinguished service, and it was for the latter that King received it.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States, as Officer in charge of the salvaging of the U.S.S. S-51, from 16 October 1925 to 8 July 1926.
** Citation for King's first Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Gold Star in lieu of a Second Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commanding Officer of the Salvage Force entrusted with the raising of the U.S.S. S-4, sunk as a result of a collision off Provincetown, Massachusetts, 17 December 1927. Largely through his untiring energy, efficient administration and judicious decisions this most difficult task, under extremely adverse conditions, was brought to a prompt and successful conclusion.
** Citation for King's second Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Second Gold Star in lieu of a Third Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Fleet Admiral Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commander in Chief of the United States Fleet from 20 December 1941, and concurrently as Chief of Naval Operations from 18 March 1942 to 10 October 1945. During the above periods, Fleet Admiral King, in his dual capacity, exercised complete military control of the naval forces of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard and directed all activities of these forces in conjunction with the U.S. Army and our Allies to bring victory to the United States. As the United States Naval Member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Combined Chiefs of Staff, he coordinated the naval strength of this country with all agencies of the United States and of the Allied Nations, and '''with exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.''' Analyzing with astute military acumen the multiple complexity of large-scale combined operations and the paramount importance of amphibious warfare, Fleet Admiral King exercised a guiding influence in the formation of all operational and logistic plans and achieved complete coordination between the U.S. Navy and all Allied military and naval forces. His outstanding qualities of leadership throughout the greatest period of crisis in the history of our country were an inspiration to the forces under his command and to all associated with him.
** Citation for King's third Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

==External Links==
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      <text bytes="124990" xml:space="preserve">Fleet Admiral '''[[w:Ernest Joseph King|Ernest Joseph King]]''' ([[23 November]] [[1878]] – [[25 June]] [[1956]]) was Commander in Chief, [[w:United States Fleet|United States Fleet]] (COMINCH) and [[w:Chief of Naval Operations|Chief of Naval Operations]] (CNO) during [[World War II]]. As COMINCH-CNO, he directed the [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]]'s operations, planning, and administration and was a member of the [[w:Joint Chiefs of Staff|Joint Chiefs of Staff]]. He was the U.S. Navy's second most senior officer after Fleet Admiral [[w:William D. Leahy|William D. Leahy]], and the second admiral to be promoted to five star rank. He served under Secretary of the Navy [[w:Frank Knox|Frank Knox]] and later under [[w:James Forrestal|James Forrestal]].

[[File:FADM Ernest J. King.jpg|thumbnail|Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.]]

== Quotes ==

[[File:Naval Aviator Badge.jpg|thumb|Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.]]
[[File:2014.020.007 Award, Medal, Navy Cross (13997822835).jpg|thumb|Difficulties exist to be overcome.]]
[[File:USNA Gold Seal.png|thumbnail|To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States Navy (official).svg|thumb|I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.]]
[[File:Remember december 7th.jpg|thumb|The way to victory is long.]]
[[File:Into the Jaws of Death 23-0455M edit.jpg|thumb|The going will be hard.]]
[[File:80-G-302273 (26222660441).jpg|thumb|We will do the best we can with what we've got.]]
[[File:&quot;Make every minute count - We have no time to lose Don't slow up the ship&quot; - NARA - 514952.tif|thumb|We must have more planes and ships- at once.]]
[[File:SBD-3 Dauntless bombers of VS-8 over the burning Japanese cruiser Mikuma on 6 June 1942.jpg|thumb|Then it will be our turn to strike.]]
[[File:Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima, larger - edit1.jpg|thumb|We will win through- in time.]]
[[File:Army B-25 (Doolittle Raid).jpg|thumb|Our days of victory are in the making.]]
[[File:Push - it isn't a wishing stone^ - NARA - 534873.jpg|thumb|No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.]]
[[File:80-G-K-13943 (26222688441).jpg|thumb|Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.]]
[[File:TBF dropping torpedo NAN2-2-44.jpg|thumb|CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.]]
[[File:Ray Wagner Collection Image (16156795450).jpg|thumb|Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.]]
[[File:Put them acrosss^ The Toughest Job is Still Ahead^ - NARA - 534688.jpg|thumb|While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.]]
[[File:Flag of the Soviet Union.svg|thumb| In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.]]
[[File:&quot;Man your stations&quot; - NARA - 514977.jpg|thumb|It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.]]
[[File:USS Balao SS-285.jpg|thumb|The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.]]
[[File:War Ends.jpg|thumb|Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.]]

* '''Don't tell them anything. When it's over, tell them who won.'''
** King's reply when asked for a public relations strategy for the U.S. Navy in World War II. As quoted in ''Dictionary of Military and Naval Quotations (1966)'' by Robert Heinl, p. 258

* Every naval officer has a job to do. He should do that job out of a sense of duty and should not get recognition for having done what he has been trained to do. His only reward should be the satisfaction of knowing that he has done the job well and to the best of his ability.
** Said to Betsy Matter during World War II, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 380-381

* Initiative means freedom to act, but it does not mean freedom to act in an offhand or casual manner.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 126

* I don't know much about this thing called logistics. All I know is that I want some.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 172

* Discipline is willing obedience to attain the greatest good by the greatest number. It means [the] laying aside, for the time being, of ordinary everyday go-as-you-please and do-what-you-like. It means one for all and all for one- teamwork. It means a machine- not of inert metal, but one of living men- an integrated human machine in which each does his part and contributes his full share.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 281

=== 1930s ===

==== 1936 ====
* '''Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.'''
** Remark on participating in hazardous bad-weather training flights alongside his aviators aboard USS ''Lexington'' (CV-2) in 1936. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 105
=== 1940s ===

==== 1940 ====

* '''I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.'''
** King's comment on maintaining a strict style of leadership, in particular constantly holding drills and inspections among his sailors and officers, in 1940 when he was a 2-star rear admiral. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 72.

==== 1941 ====

* It must be the key idea of all hands that we will make the best of what we have.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* I expect the officers of the Atlantic Fleet to be the leaders of what may be called the pioneering spirit- to lead in the determination that the difficulties and discomforts- personnel, materiel, operations, waiting- shall be dealt with as &quot;enemies&quot; to be overcome by our own efforts.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* There is work in plenty for all hands- officers and men.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

*'''The way to victory is long. &lt;br&gt;The going will be hard. &lt;br&gt;We will do the best we can with what we've got. &lt;br&gt;We must have more planes and ships- at once. &lt;br&gt;Then it will be our turn to strike. &lt;br&gt;We will win through- in time.'''
** King's first statement as Commander-in-Chief, United States fleet, sent on 24 December 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume Three: The Rising Sun in the Pacific, 1931-April 1942'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 255. Also quoted on the first page and on page 58 of ''The United States Navy in World War II (1966) by S.E. Smith (editor).

==== 1942 ====

* '''No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.'''
** Excerpt from a late March 1942 memorandum King wrote to President Roosevelt, urging against adopting the policy of those most concerned with defending the continental United States. It is unknown if the memorandum was actually ever seen by the President. The entire memorandum is quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 193.

* '''Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.'''
** Graduation address at the United States Naval Academy, 16 June 1942, as quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 193

* '''CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.'''
** Dispatch from King to then-Major General [[Alexander Vandegrift]], commander of the 1st Marine Division, during the Battle of Guadalcanal in late August 1942. As quoted in ''Once A Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 146

* Dear Mr. President: &lt;br&gt;It appears proper that I should bring to your notice the fact that the record shows that I shall attain the age of 64 years on November 23rd next- one month from today. &lt;br&gt;I am as always at your service. &lt;br&gt;Most sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Ernest J. King &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** Letter from King to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] on 23 October 1942, notifying the President that King was about to reach mandatory retirement age, at which time he could only be kept in the Navy at the desire of the President. Roosevelt hand-wrote on the same letter &quot;So what, old top? I may even send you a birthday present!&quot; and had it sent back to King. As quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952), by Ernest King and Walter M. Whitehill, p. 412

* (1) Defensive phase... a boxer covering up. &lt;br&gt;(2) Defensive-offensive phase... a boxer covering up while seeking an opening to counterpunch. &lt;br&gt;(3) Offensive-defensive phase... blocking punches with one hand while hitting with the other. &lt;br&gt;(4) Offensive phase... hitting with both hands.
** King's predicted four phases of World War II for the United States and the Allies, made while conversing with reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* '''In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.'''
** Prediction made by King when speaking to reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* I'd say they started something at Pearl Harbor that they are not going to finish. We are going to win this war.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 30

* '''Our days of victory are in the making.'''
** Remark by King in March 1942, as quoted in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* It's going to be a long war. We will really hit our stride in about a year's time... Our two-ocean Navy is not yet in service. The smaller ships for it will begin to come into service around Thanksgiving or Christmas. The plain fact is we haven't got the tools. Some of our critics would have us do everything everywhere all at once. It can't be done with what we have to work with.
** From an address during a 1942 visit to Cleveland, Ohio, and Lorain, Ohio, as quoted from ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* I have a philosophy that when you have a commander in the field, let him know what you want done and then let him alone. I have two other philosophies. One is: Do the best you can with what you have. The other is: Do not worry about water over the dam.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 32.

* We knew what Nimitz was doing. He did the right thing, and we let him alone.
** Comment on Chester Nimitz's role in the Battle of Midway in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

* We hear a great deal of clamor from time to time for unity of command. That's a loose term and has come to be widely used by people who don't have the full facts. Actually, many good officers are not qualified or competent to exercise unified command, but we keep on hearing amateurs suggest that some one man be called in to exercise sweeping control over all things military.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

==== 1943 ====

* The seeming helplessness of our cousins strikes me as amusing when it is not annoying. I am sure what they wish in their hearts is that we would haul down the Stars and Stripes and hoist the White Ensign in all our ships. What particularly irks me is their strong liking for mixed forces, which as you know approached anathema to me. I am willing to take over additional tasks- and we have done so- but I cannot be expected to agree to help them cling to tasks that they themselves say they are unable to do unless we lend them our ships and other forces. I think we have done enough for them in their Home Fleet.
** In a letter from King to Admiral Harold B. Stark in November 1943, as quoted in ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000) by Robin Brodhurst.

* Stalin knew just what it was he wanted when he came to Teheran, and he got it. Stalin is a stark realist, and there is no foolishness about him. He speaks briefly and directly to the point- not a wasted word.
** Remark to reporters on  28 November 1943 during the Tehran Conference, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 431

==== 1944 ====

* Well done, Frank Knox. We dedicate ourselves, one and all, to what surely would have been his last order- 'Carry On!'
** King's public written response to the death of Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox on April 28, 1944, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 243

==== 1945 ====

* SUSPEND ALL OFFENSIVE ACTION. REMAIN ALERT.
** King's final wartime message to Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, Commander, United States Pacific Fleet, sent by cable on August 14, 1945. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 467.

* '''Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.'''
** Remark to Neil K. Dietrich on 14 August 1945; King had just learned that President Harry Truman was going to announce Japan's decision to surrender unconditionally to the Allied powers. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 498

==== 1946 ====

* I can best stress the importance of the U.S. Navy to the American people when I state that without sea power on our side the United States would never have become a nation, would not have continued to exist as a nation, and even more specifically would not have won the great World War just so successfully concluded.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 9

* The part of the U.S. Navy alone in this war was stupendous. And I wish here to acknowledge our debt not only to the men and women of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, and their several Women's Reserves, but also to those innumerable civilians who aided the Navy's war effort.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* The day after Pearl Harbor our Navy's position in the Pacific was extremely grave. The bulk of our major ships had been put out of commission for a year; only our small Asiatic Fleet under Admiral Hart in the Philippines and portions of the Pacific Fleet that had been absent from Pearl Harbor on the day of the attack were in fighting condition in the Pacific. Even Hawaii might be attacked and overrun at any moment. And in the Atlantic the Axis submarines were destroying a tremendous tonnage of our shipping within sight of our very shores. Then, even at the lowest of the war tide, the decision was made, and correctly: first fight for time, especially in the Pacific- and then assemble the might to conquer first Italy and then Germany, and then inevitably Japan must succumb.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* Nor is the Navy content to rest on its present laurels. Long a leader in invention and research, our Navy is already studying new weapons, new methods- the atomic bomb and guided missiles, for instance. Whatever new weapons, or defenses against new weapons, science can develop, the U.S. Navy intends to incorporate them into itself to make sure that the Navy shall always be strong enough to perform its historic function of defense of our own country and of offense against enemy countries. It is to be hoped that every American will exert his effort and influence to see that goal is achieved- that the U.S. Navy will always remain, as it is today, the world's greatest sea power.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* On the evening of December 8, therefore, after the Japanese had bombed the airfields and destroyed many of General MacArthur's planes, our submarines and motor torpedo boats, which were still in Philippine water, were left with the task of impeding the enemy's advance.
** From King's report on the Japanese attack on the Philippines, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 180

===== ''U.S. Navy at War, 1941-1945: Official Reports to the Secretary of the Navy'' (1946) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Book printed out of the three major reports King issued on 23 April 1944, 27 March 1945, and 8 December 1945 &lt;/small&gt;

* Calculating risks does not mean taking a gamble. It is more than figuring the odds. It is not reducible to a formula. It is the analysis of all factors which collectively indicate whether or not the consequences to ourselves will be more than compensated for by the damage to the enemy or interference with his plans. Correct calculation of risks, by orderly reasoning, is the responsibility of every naval officer who participates in combat, and many who do not.
** First Report, p. 34

* The war has been variously termed a war of production and a war of machines. Whatever else it is, so far as the United States is concerned, it is a war of logistics.
** First Report, p. 34

* '''It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.'''
** First Report, p. 36

* The actions in the Coral Sea and at Midway did much to wrest the initiative from the enemy and slow down further advance. Our first really offensive operation was the seizure of Guadalcanal in August 1942. This campaign was followed by a general offensive made possible by increases in our amphibious forces and in our naval forces in general, which has continued to gain momentum on the entire Pacific front. At the end of February 1944, the enemy had been cleared from the Aleutians, had been pushed well out of the Solomons, and was forced to adopt a defensive delaying strategy. Meanwhile, our own positions in the Pacific had been strengthened.
** First Report, p. 38

* The war in the Pacific may be regarded as having four stages: &lt;br&gt;(a) The defensive, when we were engaged almost exclusively in protecting our shores and our lines of communication from the encroachments of the enemy. &lt;br&gt;(b) The defensive-offensive, during which, although our operations were chiefly defensive in character, we were able nevertheless to take certain defensive measures. &lt;br&gt;(c) The offensive-defensive, covering the period immediately following our seizure of the initiative, but during which we still had to use a large part of our forces to defend our recent gains. &lt;br&gt;(d) The offensive, which began when our advance bases were no longer seriously threatened and we became able to attack the enemy at places of our own choosing. 
** First Report, p. 39

* The Battle of Midway was the first decisive defeat suffered by the Japanese Navy in 350 years. Furthermore, it put an end to the long period of Japanese offensive action, and restored the balance of naval power in the Pacific. The threat to Hawaii and the west coast was automatically removed, and except for operations in the Aleutians area, where the Japanese had landed on the islands of Kiska and Attu, enemy operations were confined to the south Pacific. It was to this latter area, therefore, that we gave our greatest attention.
** First Report, p. 49

* The Battle of Guadalcanal, in spite of heavy losses we sustained, was a decisive victory for us, and our position in the southern Solomons was not threatened again seriously by the Japanese. Except for the &quot;Tokio express,&quot; which from time to time succeeded in landing small quantities of supplies and reinforcements, control of the sea and air in the southern Solomons passed to the United States.
** First Report, p. 61

* The operations in the Marshall Islands carried out by the forces under Vice Admiral Spruance were characterized by excellent planning and by almost perfect timing in the execution of those plans. The entire operation was a full credit to those who participated, and it is a noteworthy example of the results that may be expected from good staff work.
** First Report, p. 74

* For reasons of security, our submarine operations throughout the Pacific can be discussed only in very general terms. No branch of the naval service, however, has acquitted itself more creditably. Submarine commanding officers are skillful, daring and resourceful. Their crews are well trained and efficient. Their morale is high, and in direct ratio to the success of submarine operations. Materially our submarines are in excellent shape, and we have kept up to the minute in all features of design and scientific development and research. '''The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.'''
** p. 77

* '''Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.'''
** First Report, p. 93

* '''While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.'''
** Second Report, p. 163

* In connection with the matter of command in the field, there is perhaps a popular misconception that the Army and the Navy were intermingled in a standard form of joint operational organization in every theater throughout the world. Actually, the situation was never the same in any two areas. For example, after General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower had completed his landing in Normandy, his operation became purely a land campaign. The Navy was responsible for maintaining the line of communications across the ocean and for certain supply operations in the ports of Europe, and small naval groups became part of the land army for certain special purposes, such as the boat groups which helped in the crossing of the Rhine. But the strategy and tactics of the great battles leading up to the surrender of Germany were primarily army affairs and no naval officer had anything directly to do with the command of this land campaign. A different situation existed in the Pacific, where, in the process of capturing small atolls, the fighting was almost entirely within range of naval gunfire; that is to say, the whole operation of capturing an atoll was amphibious in nature, with artillery and air-support primarily naval. This situation called for a mixed Army-Navy organization which was entrusted to the command of Fleet Admiral Nimitz. A still different situation existed in the early days of the war during the Solomon Islands campaign where Army and Navy became, of necessity, so thoroughly intermingled that they were, to all practical purposes, a single service directed by Admiral William F. Halsey, Jr. Under General of the Army Douglas MacArthur, Army, Army Aviation, and the naval components of his command were separate entities tied together only at the top in the person of General MacArthur himself. In the Mediterranean the scheme of command differed somewhat from all the others.
** Third Report, p. 172

* The final phase of the Pacific naval war commenced with the assault on Iwo Jima in February 1945, closely followed by that on Okinawa in April. These two positions were inner defenses of Japan itself; their capture by United States forces meant that the heart of the Empire would from then on be exposed to the full fury of attack, not only by our carrier aircraft but also by land-based planes, the latter in a strength comparable to that which wreaked such devastation against the better protected and less vulnerable cities of Germany. After Okinawa was in our hands, the Japanese were in a desperate situation, which could only be alleviated if they could strike a counterblow, either by damaging our fleet or by driving us from our advanced island positions. The inability of the Japanese to do either was strong evidence of their increasing impotence and indicated that the end could not be long delayed.
** Third Report, p. 173

* The defensive organization of Iwo Jima was the most complete and effective yet encountered. The beaches were flanked by high terrain favorable to the defenders. Artillery, mortars, and rocket launchers were well concealed, yet could register on both beaches- in fact, on any point on the island. Observation was possible, both from Mount Suribachi at the south end and from a number of commanding hills and steep defiles sloping to the sea from all sides of the central Motoyama tableland afforded excellent natural cover and concealment, and lent themselves readily to the construction of subterranean positions to which the Japanese are addicted. Knowing the superiority of the firepower which would be brought against them by air, sea, and land, they had gone underground most effectively, while remaining ready to man their positions with mortars, machine guns, and other portable weapons the instant our troops started to attack. The defenders were dedicated to expending themselves- but expending themselves skillfully and protractedly in order to exact the uttermost toll from the attackers. Small wonder then that every step had to be won slowly by men inching forward with hand weapons, and at heavy costs. There was no other way of doing it. The skill and gallantry of our Marines in this exceptionally difficult enterprise was worthy of their best traditions and deserving of the highest commendation. This was equally true of the naval units acting in their support, especially those engaged at the hazardous beaches. American history offers no finer example of courage, ardor and efficiency.
** Third Report, p. 174-175

* Never before in the history of war had there been a more convincing example of the effectiveness of sea power than when a well-armed, highly efficient and undefeated army of over a million men surrendered their homeland unconditionally to the invader without even token resistance. True, the devastation already wrought by past bombings, as well as the terrible demonstration of power by the first atomic bombs, augured nothing less for the Japanese than total extinction; yet without sea power there would have been no possession of Saipan, Iwo Jima, and Okinawa from which to launch these bombings. True, the Japanese homeland might have been taken by assault in one final amphibious operation of tremendous magnitude, yet without sea power such an assault could not have been attempted.
** Third Report, p. 195

* The end of the war came before we had dared to expect it. As late as August 1943 strategic studies drawn up by the British and United States planners contemplated the war against Japan continuing far into 1947. Even the latest plans were based upon the Japanese war lasting a year after the fall of Germany. Actually Japan's defeat came within three months of Germany's collapse. The nation can be thankful that the unrelenting acceleration of our power in the Pacific ended the war in 1945.
** Third Report, p. 232

* The price of victory has been high. Beginning with the dark days of December 1941 and continuing until September 1945, when the ships of the Pacific Fleet steamed triumphant into Tokyo Bay, the Navy's losses were severe. The casualties of the United States Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard reached the totals of 56,206 dead, 80,259 wounded, and 8,967 missing. Many of these gallant men fell in battle; many were lost in strenuous and hazardous operations convoying our shipping or patrolling the seas and skies; others were killed in training for the duties that Fate would not permit them to carry out. All honor to these heroic men. To their families and to those who have suffered the physical and mental anguish of wounds, the Navy includes its sympathy in that of the country they served so well. It is my sincere hope- and expectation- that the United States will hereafter remain ever ready to support and maintain the peace of the world by being ever ready to back up its words with deeds.
** Third Report, p. 232

=== 1950s ===

* I'll never forgive the Army for not taking at least part of the blame for Pearl Harbor. That was why I didn't like Stimson.
** King's comment after the war on Henry L. Stimson, who was United States Secretary of War during World War II, while speaking to Commander Walter Muir Whitehill, who wrote King's memoirs for him. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473

* I didn't like the atom bomb or any part of it.
** King's comment to Commander Whitehill on July 4, 1950, which was transcribed in Whitehill's notes. As quoted in ''The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb and the Architecture of an American Myth'' (1995) by Gar Alperovitz, p. 321

==== ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) ====
:&lt;small&gt;This book was co-written by King and Walter Muir Whitehill, and apart from the Introduction and various instances wherein King is directly quoted throughout the book, it is written in a third-person narrative style. &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.'''
** Dedication

* During the war I kept neither a diary nor notes. I had then neither the time nor the inclination, and like most sailors, who through necessity &quot;travel light,&quot; I have not accumulated any substantial body of personal papers. Since my relief as Chief of Naval Operations on 15 December 1945, I have spent many hours in recalling the events of World War II and of my earlier life in the Navy. My source has been my memory, verified and supplemented by references to official records and by the recollections of officers who assisted me in my wartime duties. The reader must therefore take this book on faith, for its statements are not bolstered by citations of numerous documents. I must ask him to believe, however, that I have made a sincere and conscientious effort to avoid the inspiration of hindsight and to record matters as they seemed at the time.
** Introduction, p. viii

* '''War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.''' War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:BB61 USS Iowa BB61 broadside USN.jpg|thumbnail|War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.]]

* '''Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.''' This is no less true of a military commander than of a surgeon who, while operating, suddenly encounters an unsuspected complication. In both instances, the men must act immediately, with little time for reflection, and if they are successful in dealing with the unexpected it is upon the basis of past experience and training. As any decisions that I made during World War II sprang from the forty-four years' service that were behind me in 1941, I wish to acquaint the reader with the background of my professional life so that he may better understand their origins.
** Introduction, p. viii

* The United States has never had the tradition of a military class. The President of the United States is the Commander in Chief of the Armed Services, and the officers and enlisted men of the Army, Navy, and Air Force are drawn from all classes of American life and must be trained from scratch.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|It is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.]]

* ''First'', all hands gave their best and their utmost, day and night, in good weather and bad, in order that the work might progress with all practicable dispatch. ''Second'', the divers encountered the hazards of their work with unfailing readiness, with the greatest skill and frequently the greatest intrepidity and daring; '''it is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.''' ''Third'', the commanding officer of the ''Falcon'', Lieutenant Henry Hartley, whose seamanship was of the highest order, whose advice in all matters was invaluable, whose judgement was eminently sound, displayed a devotion to duty which was unceasing and a constant example to all hands.
** p. 183-184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51, an operation which King commanded.

* ''Fourth'', Lieutenant Commander Edward Ellsberg, Construction Corps, the salvage officer, was in direct personal charge of the actual salvage work and diving operations; his technical knowledge and resourcefulness were adequate for all of the innumerable setbacks and difficulties; he developed an improved underwater cutting torch, worked out the technique of handling the pontoons, learned to dive during the months the actual operations were suspended and actually went down on the wreck some three times during the spring operations; he was the embodiment of perseverance and determination.
** p. 184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51.

* Historically ... it is traditional and habitual for us to be inadequately prepared. This is the combined result of a number factors, the character of which is only indicated: democracy, which tends to make everyone believe that he knows it all; the preponderance (inherent in democracy) of people whose real interest is in their own welfare as individuals; the glorification of our own victories in war and the corresponding ignorance of our defeats (and disgraces) and of their basic causes; the inability of the average individual (the man in the street) to understand the cause and effect not only in foreign but domestic affairs, as well as his lack of interest in such matters. Added to these elements is the manner in which our representative (republican) form of government has developed as to put a premium on mediocrity and to emphasise the defects of the electorate already mentioned.
** p. 236-237.

* On the afternoon of 28 February 1939 King and Halsey went together on board ''Houston'' where some twenty or more flag officers of the United States Fleet had been summoned to pay their respects to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. President Roosevelt was in high spirits, for he loved the Navy and always visibly expanded when at sea. As the admirals greeted him, he would have some pleasant, half-teasing personal message for each. King, when his turn came, shook hands and said that he hoped the President liked the manner in which naval aviation was improving month by month, if not day by day. Mr. Roosevelt seemed pleased by this, and, after a brief chat, admonished King, in his bantering way, to watch out for the Japanese and the Germans. King made no attempt to hold further conversation with the President, even though Admiral Bloch urged him to do so. He had never &quot;greased&quot; anyone during his forty-two years of service and did not propose to begin, particularly at a moment when many of the admirals were trying so hard to please Mr. Roosevelt that it was obvious. He had paid his respects civilly; he was in plain sight, and felt that the President could easily summon him if there were anything more to say. He believed that his record would speak for itself, and that it was not likely to be improved by anything that he might say at this moment. It seemed that the die was already cast, although the President's decision would not be made known for some weeks.
** p. 291-292

* King, when told that he could have eggs ''or'' pancakes and toast and coffee, asked with the severity of expression that has often disconcerted those who do not know his fondness for teasing, why he could not have both. The waiter gasped, but shortly returned with a monumental plate of eggs ''and'' pancakes that caused Marshall to wonder how King got that huge breakfast. The answer was simple: &quot;I asked for it!&quot; Although in some doubt as to whether he could eat his way through what he had brought on himself, the food tasted so good after a week in wartime London that King eventually disposed of it. He then in Navy fashion thanked the mess officer, asked to look over the galley, and congratulated and shook hands with the cooks.
** Account of a visit King and George C. Marshall made to an Army mess hall in Presque Isle, Maine, in late July 1942, p. 408

* a. Would it further threaten or cut Japanese lines of communications? &lt;br&gt;b. Would it contribute to the attainment of positions of readiness from which a full-scale offensive could be launched against Japan?
** Two questions which King believed it was necessary to ask when considering any operation in the Pacific, as cited on p. 440

* '''Do the best you can with what you have. &lt;br&gt;Do not worry about water that has gone over the dam. &lt;br&gt;Difficulties exist to be overcome.'''
** p. 640

* Dear Harriet: &lt;br&gt;I have your letter of January 6th- and am interested to learn that you have to do my biography as part of your English work. As to your questions: I drink a little wine, now and then. I smoke about one pack of cigarettes a day. I think I like Spencer Tracy as well as any of the movie stars. My hobby is cross-word puzzles- when they are difficult. My favorite sport is golf- when I can get to play it- otherwise, I am fond of walking. Hoping that all will go well with your English work, I am, &lt;br&gt;Very truly yours, &lt;br&gt;E.J. KING &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** King's reply to a sixth grade student in Brooklyn, New York City, New York, who wrote King a letter in January 1943 asking if he drank or smoked and what his favorite movie star, hobby and sport might be. Cited on p. 651

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at his quarters and salutes a solider during the Potsdam Conference... - NARA - 199002.tif|thumb|When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.]]
* '''When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.'''
** Remark that King allegedly made when he was called to be Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, soon after the United States had entered World War II on December 7, 1941. Numerous sources have claimed he said a number of versions of this from World War II to the present day. However, when asked if he had said actually made the remark, King replied that he had not, but would have if he had thought of it. As quoted in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, p. 573, and ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987) by Eric Larrabee, p. 153

The alleged quote and King's reaction upon being told of it is further confirmed below:
*&quot;&quot;Admiral, asked McCrea, &quot;is this story true that I hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, John, I don't know,&quot; replied King, deadpan. &quot;Which story is it?&quot; &quot;They tell me,&quot; McCrea went on, &quot;you were heard to say recently, 'Yes, damn it, when they get in trouble they send for the sons of bitches.'&quot; King couldn't help but smile. &quot;No, John, I didn't say it. But I will say this: If I had thought of it, I would have said it.&quot;&quot;
** Conversation between Captain John L. McCrea and King in 1942, shortly after the latter's appointment as Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet. As quoted in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012) by Walter R. Borneman, p. 212

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about King ==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lot-4263-35 (22784386347).jpg|thumb|Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character... Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality. ~ George M. Hall]]
[[File:Flag of a United States Navy fleet admiral.svg|thumbnail|No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy. ~ John Buchanan]]
:[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (left), accompanied by Commander R. E. Dornin, mount the steps to their quarters near... - NARA - 198827.jpg|thumb|So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:80-G-K-13800-A (26222698781).jpg|thumb|King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:80-G-K-14450 (26016095110).jpg|thumb|Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:King, Forrestal, Nimitz 1945.jpg|thumbnail|It was Admiral King's custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves. ~ Richard S. Edwards]]
[[File:Fleet Adm. Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at the residence of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill for a... - NARA - 198962.tif|thumb|One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Ernest King.jpg|thumbnail|Don't fool with nitroglycerine. ~ ''Lucky Bag'']]
[[File:Admiral William F. Halsey.jpg|thumb|I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions. ~ [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.|William F. Halsey, Jr.]]]]
[[File:Fleet Admiral Leahy.tif|thumb|He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret. ~ [[William D. Leahy]]]]
[[File:Untitled Art.IWMPST15704.jpg|thumb|Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory. ~ [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]]]
[[File:Atlantic Charter FDR-Churchill.jpg|thumb|So what, old top? ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Combined Chiefs of Staff Conference Malta.jpg|thumb|Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington. ~ C.L. Sulzberger]]
[[File:USS Terry (DD-25).jpg|thumbnail|King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:Douglas SBD-3 Dauntless of VMSB-241 in flight over Midway c1942.jpg|thumb|You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer. ~ Edward Frederick Lindley Wood]]
[[File:Kingfull.jpg|thumb|King's grave at the United States Naval Academy Cemetery]]
[[File:USS King (DDG-41) underway in 1983.jpg|thumb|USS ''King'' (DDG-41) underway in 1983]]

* He is the most even-tempered person in the United States Navy. He is always in a rage.
** Allegedly made by one of King's daughters, this remark was repeated by U.S. Navy personnel during World War II.

* FLEET ADMIRAL ERNEST JOSEPH KING, USN. Born Ohio 1878. Annapolis Class of 1901. As Lt. Comdr., assigned first command, DD ''Terry'', 1914. Awarded Navy Cross, 1916, for service as Assistant Chief of Staff to the Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Promoted to Comdr., 1917, Capt., 1922. Commanded Submarine Base, New London, 1923-1926,; USS ''Lexington'', 1930-2. Served as Chief, Bureau of Aeronautics, 1933-6. Promoted Rear Admiral, 1939. In Feb. 1941, became Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Appointed Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Fleet, Dec. 1941, and Chief of Naval Operations, 1942. On Dec. 20, 1944, achieved newly established highest rank, Fleet Admiral. Awarded 3 DSM's, numerous other decorations, American and foreign.
** Biographical Notes on King in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy in Action'' (1946), p. 396

* In the wake of the Pearl Harbor disaster, President Roosevelt made sweeping changes in the navy high command. When word of these changes reached the submarine force, there were cheers. The key people, it seemed, were all submariners. First, and most important, Roosevelt named Admiral Ernest Joseph King, Jr., to the post of Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations, replacing Admiral Stark. King had commanded the Submarine Base at New London and a division of S-boats and had played a key role in salvaging two sunken submarines in the 1920s, the ''S-51'' and the ''S-4''. Although King had never commanded a submarine, he wore the dolphin insignia plus his aviator's wings. Second, King appointed former submariner Chester Nimitz to replace Kimmel (and Pye) as Commander in Chief, Pacific Fleet. After his submarine service before and during World War I, Nimitz had established the Submarine Base at Pearl Harbor and then commanded a division of early fleet boats, including ''Barracuda'', ''Bass'', and ''Bonita''. King's staff in Washington was laced with submariners. For his deputy chief of staff he named Richard Edwards, then commanding Submarines Atlantic. Edwards, who would eventually become King's right arm, had commanded a squadron of fleet boats, and the Submarine Base at New London and had helped Lockwood fight for the ''Tambor'' class before the General Board in 1938. For his operations officer, King picked Francis Stuart (&quot;Frog&quot;) Low, another submariner. Later, King appointed one-time submariner Charles Maynard (&quot;Savvy&quot;) Cooke to be Assistant Chief of Staff for War Plans.
** Clay Blair, Jr., ''Silent Victory: The U.S. Submarine War Against Japan'' (1975), p. 125

*Diplomacy, tact, and forbearance were not words to be associated with Ernest King, even at a young age. When his mother once scolded him for expressing his dislike in front of the hostess, seven-year-old Ernest held his ground. &quot;It's true,&quot; he insisted, &quot;I don't like it.&quot; Absolute candor, no matter how rude or insulting, became his trademark. &quot;If I didn't agree,&quot; King later reminisced, &quot;I said so.&quot;
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 28-29

* Whereas Leahy was stern, reserved, and even dour, King was nothing short of bombastic. Throughout his career, King's personality was routinely commented upon- and frequently feared- by his contemporaries and junior officers alike. His seniors usually found it merely annoying, although many- Forrestal was clearly an exception- tended to overlook his grating manner because there was no question that this demanding and strong-willed individual was also highly intelligent and capable of delivering results. King simply had no tolerance for subordinates who failed to carry out his orders to his satisfaction. Considering King's satisfaction was a very high bar, many failed to clear it. &quot;On the job&quot; wrote historian Robert Love in his history of the chiefs of naval operations, &quot;[King] seemed always to be angry or annoyed.&quot; But some of that anger or annoyance may well have been a mask that was best breached when one stood up to him or took the initiative in doing what King likely would have done had he been in the other's shoes.
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 471

* Ironically, during four years of war, MacArthur may have owed the most to the very people he was certain were out to discredit and disparage him. While never among his fans, Franklin Roosevelt and George Marshall nonetheless consistently supported MacArthur within the framework of their global priorities, from the first efforts to resupply the Philippines to MacArthur's appointment as Allied supreme commander. Even then, where would MacArthur's Southwest Pacific Area have been had not Ernie King urged the Joint Chiefs to pour resources into the Pacific and wage a two-front war?
** Walter R. Borneman, ''MacArthur at War: World War II in the Pacific'' (2016), p. 507

* In a caravan of recon cars we serpentined through traffic that churned the Normandy roads into a trail of choking white dust. It parched our throats, watered our eyes, and chalked King's neat blues. From Omaha we turned toward Isigny, past the dry, malodorous tidal basin at Grandcamp-les-Bains where the enemy had destroyed a dozen fishing craft and damaged the tidal gates. From offshore a salvo echoed across the beach as the battleship ''Texas'' lobbed its broadsides into the Carentan flats where the enemy had withdrawn behind that city. After having so persistently badgered the Navy for capital ships in the bombardment, I was anxious that King see the effects of his big guns in the streets of Isigny. Hansen had parked two armored cars in the village square to cover our party with their guns. With General Marshall, King, Arnold, and Eisenhower bunched together in three open cars, an enemy sniper could have won immortality as a hero of the Reich.
** Omar Bradley, ''A Soldier's Story'' (1951), p. 290-291

* King on the other hand is a shrewd and somewhat swollen headed individual. His vision is mainly limited to the Pacific, and any operation calculated to distract from the force available in the Pacific does not meet with his support or approval. He does not approach the problems from a worldwide war point of view, but instead with one biased entirely in favour of the Pacific. Although he pays lip service to the fundamental policy that we must defeat Germany and then turn on Japan, he fails to apply it in any problems connected with the war.
** Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke, in a diary entry on 20 January 1943, later published in ''War Diaries, 1939-1945'' (2001), edited by Alex Danchev and Daniel Todman, p. 364

* Betty Stark, known to the more junior officers of the Joint Staff Mission as &quot;Tugboat Annie,&quot; was an easy man to get on with. Ernie King on the other hand was a difficult man to like. He had recently become Commander-in-Chief US Fleet and was effectively in charge of the day to day running of the US Navy, leaving the grand strategy to stark. This arrangement did not really work, and in March Stark moved to London as Commander-in-Chief US Naval Forces Europe, while King became both C-in-CUS and CNO. Nobody ever found King an easy man. He appeared prejudiced against all things British, but was probably better described as a ferocious Americanophile. He considered that any deployment of American forces in Europe, or, worse, North Africa was wasted as it detracted from the main theatre of the US Navy, the Pacific. His biggest dislikes were mixing US and Royal Navy ships in a combined force, or allowing US Navy ships to serve under foreign, especially British, command.
** Robin Brodhurst, ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000), p. 206

:It seems to me that there are three qualities specially implied in this kind of genius, three powers which raise their possessor to the small inner hierarchy of leadership. The first is difficult to set down in a few words. We may call it visualizing power or sypnotic power, but these are ugly phrases. I mean the power of seeing a battle-front as a whole. A war is a contest between the total strength of two sides, not the strength in one section, not the strength in the field alone, but the sum total of qualities and assets by which nations are strong. Now there is nothing so common as the sectional view in war. A general selects one battleground as  the crucial one, but unless he is a very wise man he may be wrong, especially true in modern war, where the total assets of a nation are pledged to a degree unknown in the past, and where the calculations as to where lies the true centre of gravity must necessarily be highly intricate. Indeed, I think they are too intricate for human calculation; to divine the key-point something more is needed than methodical reasoning...

:The second quality in the mysterious art of the great captains is easier to define. It is the power of reading the heart of the enemy. It is less easy to practise; indeed, it is one of the rarest talents in our moral catalogue. Founded upon a thousand pieces of evidence, it yet cannot be merely a deduction from evidence. In the last resort it is an intuition, an instinct. A general is confronted with another general and staff, as to whose mind he is almost wholly in the dark. He gets stray bits of intelligence on which he can build theories, but even the best intelligence of this sort is imperfect and rarely amounts to a logical proof. He knows that his rival is studying him closely, and that it is a race between them for the extra margin of superior knowledge. He is anxious, and anxiety is not a good basis for clear vision. You remember the famous compliment which Sherman paid to Grant: &quot;I'll tell you where he beats me, and where he beats the world. He don't care a damn for what the enemy does out of his sight, but it scares me like hell.&quot; The great soldier must have the power of throwing off the restless anxiety of the competitor, and judging his opponent's mind calmly and objectively, and in the last resort flinging forward his own mind in a kind of inspired guess and divining that for which in the nature of things there can be no full evidence. All surprise in war is based on such intuitions...

:The third quality I find hard to describe. Perhaps I can best state it as the power to simplify, the capacity to make a simple syllogism, which, once it is made, is in the power only of genius. '''No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy.'''
:*John Buchanan, in his essay &quot;Great Captains&quot; in ''Recreations and Diversions'', quoted to describe King by Walter Muir Whitehill in the closing words of ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 656-657.

* In a period of one month- March 1942- King had inspired and advocated the plans and strategy that would govern the entire course of the war in the Pacific.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 192.

* King's attitude was a paradox. He griped about too many people getting decorations, but he refused to establish a policy that would end the confusion. Nimitz was his voice of conscience, besieging King to approve the Purple Heart or to define different grades for the Legion of Merit. But it was futile. King did nothing. Nimitz tried to force the issue at their January 1944 meeting in San Francisco by demanding a formal board to standardize the awarding of decorations. All the services had different rules, argued Nimitz, and the Army Air Force was notably generous. If the services could not agree on a common policy, then the President should act. King stalled with a promise to study the problem. King's thinking began to change in June 1944. Just before King had left to watch the Normandy landings, Abby Dunlap had warned him that when the war was over the Army Air Force would get all the credit and the Navy would be forgotten. King thought she was too pessimistic. But when he next saw Abby and Betsy Matter following the invasion, he told Abby she had been right.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 382

* '''King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 563.

* '''Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 565.

* King's role in the war was indispensable. He not only oversaw the expansion of the Navy, but he was also involved in plotting military strategy, directing the antisubmarine effort (he created the Tenth Fleet, a paper organization with himself at its head, to coordinate the antisubmarine war in the Atlantic), and helping coordinate American strategy and operations with those of the Allies. King retired in late 1945, shortly after promotion to five-star rank. For several years thereafter he served as an adviser to the Secretary of the Navy and to the President.
** James F. Dunnigan &amp; Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 351

* The major problem facing the Allies in 1942 was to agree on what they would do, and when and where they would do it. No plan had yet been drawn up by Eisenhower's directorate for the employment of assault landing craft for the coming conflicts in Europe and Japan. Although he would later be overruled, a stubborn Ernie King pursued a Pacific-first strategy that favored the navy.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 299

* Eisenhower did not participate in the final discussions leading to the demise of Sledgehammer. At their conclusion Marshall summoned Eisenhower to his suite in Claridge's. When Eisenhower arrived, the chief of staff was occupied in the bathroom, and their brief discussion took place through the door. In characteristic fashion Marshall announced that Eisenhower was being given the new title of deputy Allied commander in charge of planning for Torch, and that both he and Admiral King were backing his appointment to command the entire operation. Temporarily in limbo as the commander of American forces, pending the president's approval, Eisenhower reflected on Napoleon's remarks that a general must not permit himself to be impatient or distracted in any manner that would weaken or interfere with the execution of a major plan. When the Combined Chiefs of Staff met on July 25 and the subject of a commander for Torch was raised, the blunt-spoken Ernie King declared that the choice seemed obvious: &quot;Well, you've got him right here,&quot; he pointed out. &quot;Why not put it under Eisenhower?&quot; As he would later ascertain, Eisenhower once again had reason to regret his earlier criticism of King, who had become one of his strongest supporters.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 336

* '''[It was Admiral King's] custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves.'''
** Richard S. Edwards, Deputy Chief of Staff and Aide to the Commander in Chief, United States Fleet and then Deputy Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Deputy Chief of Naval Operations during World War II. A quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 654.

* I also went to see Admiral King. He was a naval officer of the frightening type, abrupt, decisive, and frequently blunt as to frighten his subordinates. In our conversation he stressed the point that the venture on which I was going to Britain would mark the first deliberate attempt by the American fighting services to set up a unified command in the field for a campaign of indefinite length. He assured me that he would do everything within his power to sustain my status of actual &quot;commander&quot; of American forces assigned to me. He said that he wanted no foolish talk about my authority depending upon &quot;co-operation and paramount interest.&quot; He insisted that there should be single responsibility and authority and he cordially invited me to communicate with him personally at any time that I thought there might be intentional or unintentional violation of this concept by the Navy.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 51

* We were scarcely well on the beaches when General Marshall, Admiral King, General Arnold, and a group from their respective staffs arrived in England. I arranged to take them into the beachhead during the day of June 12. Their presence, as they roamed around the areas with every indication of keen satisfaction, was heartening to the troops. The importance of such visits by the high command, including, at times, the highest officials of government, can scarcely be underestimated in terms of their value to the soldiers' morale. The soldier has a sense of gratification whenever he sees very high rank in his particular vicinity, possibly on the theory that the area is a safe one or the rank wouldn't be there.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 254

* Admiral King, commander in chief of United States Fleet, and directly subordinate to the President, is an arbitrary, stubborn type, with not too much brains and a tendency toward bullying his juniors. But I think he wants to fight, which is vastly encouraging.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on February 23, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 49.

* '''One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King.''' He's the antithesis of cooperation, a deliberately rude person, which means he's a mental bully. He became Commander in Chief of the fleet some time ago. Today he takes over, also, Stark's job as Chief of Naval Operations. It's a good thing to get rid of the double head of the Navy, and of course Stark was just a nice old lady, but this fellow is going to cause a blow-up sooner or later, I'll bet a cookie.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 10, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 50.

* Lest I look back at this book sometime and find that I've expressed a distaste for some person, and have put down no reason for my aversion, I record this one story of Admiral King. One day this week General Arnold sent a very important note to King. Through inadvertence, the stenographer in Arnold's office addressed it, on the outside, to &quot;Rear Admiral King&quot;. Twenty-four hours later the letter came back, unopened, with an arrow pointing to the &quot;Rear,&quot; thus: [Here a long, heavy arrow has been drawn in a diagonal line underneath and pointing to the word &quot;Rear.&quot;] And that's the size of man the Navy has at its head. He ought to be a big help winning this war.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 14, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 51.

* '''King had the brains, all right, but I hated his guts.'''
** James Forrestal, 48th United States Secretary of the Navy from 1944 to 1949, told an American senator this after the war. When King heard about it, he replied, &quot;I hated his guts, too.&quot; As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' by Johnathan W. Jordan, p. 472.

* The campaigns in the South Pacific, however, may not be regarded as simply the inevitable products of inexorable political and military logic. Events created a milieu, and others, notably President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made important contributions, but the South Pacific strategy was forged principally by one man, Admiral Ernest Joseph King. Here the strategy and command changes resulting from Pearl Harbor intersected, for the Japanese attack completed the remarkable resurrection of King's career. In 1942, King attained his sixty-fourth birthday and completed his forty-first year as a naval officer. His father was a seaman, a bridge builder, and finally a foreman in a railroad repair shop. Drawn to his father's workplace, young Ernest absorbed the complexities of gears and lathes and the simple unpretentiousness of the workmen. After graduating fourth in a class of eighty-seven from the Naval Academy, King pursued a career remarkable for its versatility, with important work in surface ships, submarines, and naval aviation. He completed all his assignments with distinction, for the brain beneath his balding pate was agile with technical matters and he possessed a prodigious memory.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 3-4

* Besides intelligence and dedication, one other pillar supported King's professional reputation: his toughness. He regarded exceptional performance of duty as the norm and evinced insensitivity or even callousness to his subordinates, upon whom he also frequently exercised his ferocious temper. But if King proved harsh with subordinates, he was no toady to superiors. Those who fell short of King's standards found he could be hostile, tactless, arrogant, and sometimes disrespectful or even insubordinate. As a junior officer this conduct earned him more than a healthy share of disciplinary action. He defined the span of his concerns beyond his career when he once commented, &quot;You ought to be very suspicious of anyone who won't take a drink or doesn't like women. King, the father of seven, was deficient in neither category.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 4

* Early in World War II, Captain George C. Dyer served on Admiral King's staff and estimated that his headquarters would require a staff of four hundred people. King blew up and said that since he got by with fourteen while a flag officer at sea, fifty would be the maximum he would tolerate on land. Dyer subsequently went to the Pacific, was severely wounded, and was sent to Bethesda Naval Hospital to recover. While Dyer was in the area, King invited him to stop by his office; and when he came in, King handed him a paper that reported current staffing at 416. It was King's way of admitting he was wrong. '''Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character. It must have been; few sarcastic individuals rise to the top in the military profession- or stay there if they do- especially when the job includes tangling with the President on a frequent basis. Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality.'''
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 57

* King also repaired his deteriorating relationship with the press. This relationship had become so bad that journalists were circulating unfounded stories in order to force Roosevelt to relieve him. King's attorney, Cornelius H. Bull, recognized that this dismissal would not be in the country's best interests; so Bull got together with Glen Perry, the assistant chief for the ''New York Sun'', in the ''Sun'''s Washington office. Together they proposed that King meet privately with a selected group of journalists at Bull's home in Alexandria, Virginia, and level with them off the record. King agreed reluctantly, predicting that there would only be one such meeting. In this he was dead wrong. Those meetings continued for the balance of the war, by the end of which the &quot;members&quot; came almost to revere King. He in turn developed a great deal of respect and regard for them. And he kept his job.
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 66

* Dear Ernie, &lt;br&gt;It has been an education, and a very pleasant one, to serve under you this past winter. May I thank you for your patience of me personally and for the professional lessons you have given me- '''I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions.''' The best of luck always- may your new job be to your liking- and here's hoping for more stars afloat. &lt;br&gt;Always sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Bill Halsey.
** William F. Halsey, in a handwritten note from Halsey to Ernest King on 22 June 1939, as quoted by Walter R. Borneman in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy, and King: The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 180

* Once the decision to build up the Navy was taken, strong men of clear vision quickly rose to the top of the service hierarchy. Chief among these were Adm Ernest King and VAdm Chester Nimitz, men of such consummate skill that the ennui of the prewar years had virtually no impact upon their abilities and sensibilities as commanders or as men. Others slightly less senior were pulled forward by the enormous suction created by King's and Nimitz's rise to the top.
** Eric Hammell, ''Guadalacanal: Decision at Sea: The Naval Battle of Guadalcanal November 13-15, 1942'' (1988), p. 12

* Admiral King's role in the development of strategy for defeating Japan is very difficult to evaluate in detail. Officially he approved or disapproved recommendations that came to him as Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations and as one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, from his own naval planners, and from the joint planners in Washington. Frequently these recommendations had already been influenced by his own views. Still many of the objectives he preferred, most notably Formosa, were bypassed, and much of the time his recommendations were only in terms of areas or island groups. He accepted without question the specific objectives deemed by the operating commands most suitable. The one who came closest to Admiral King in his basic view that the Japanese should be kept under constant pressure was not a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but the Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area, General MacArthur. Although his role was to recommend and then accept a decision from the JCS, and many of his views on strategy differed sharply from those endorsed by the JCS, his repeated efforts to get more support for his area of command and to push ahead as rapidly and with as much force as possible helped to insure that the war against Japan did not become a forgotten war and were largely responsible for the development of the advance on two axes.
** Grace Person Hayes, ''The History of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in World War II: The War Against Japan'' (1982) by Grace Person Hayes, p. 725-726

* The military leadership styles of these two naval officers are contrasting in several ways. King was an immoral, self-serving leader who was notably brutal to subordinates and abrasive with Allied military leaders and politicians alike. Nimitz, however, was a moral leader who served is country selflessly, and he was engaging and supportive of his staff as well as sister service members and Allied military leaders and politicians. Really, both men serve as dissimilar examples of naval leadership during World War II and Nimitz's style more closely aligns with the leadership style of Marshall and Eisenhower than it does with King.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 33

* The belief that King was well versed in naval surface and aerial warfare and that he was technically competent in the use of naval warfare is widely accepted by authors assessing King as a naval leader and is not in question in this monograph. What is examined in this monograph is King's leadership abilities absent his technical naval skills. This analysis will demonstrate that King was perceived as a toxic leader who was known to be petulant, overly emotional, stubborn, egotistical, and immoral. These leadership traits, more than anything else define King, and these negative traits affected how he engaged those he led, US and Allied leaders, and even his own family.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 34

* Despite his efforts to win over his subordinates, King did not mind overworking his staff. When he was a flag officer, King preferred a small staff of eleven officers who were skilled and competent. He believed that this was the most efficient way to conduct naval planning and the right way to best utilize manpower. Smaller staffs, however, mean greater work for less people, and that is true as much today as it was then. Buell notes that staffers for King worked long hours and frequently on weekends, knew what King expected of them, but always received few comments for or against a submitted plan. In short, King was a difficult leader to develop plans for. He was extremely general and vague in his initial guidance, and the staff therefore had to try and figure out what he really wanted. Buell notes that even after numerous drafts, if King did not like a plan he would rip it up in front of the officer presenting it and write it himself on the spot.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 35

* Tough as nails and carried himself as stiffly as a poker. He was blunt and stand-offish, almost to the point of rudeness. At the start, he was intolerant and suspicious of all things British, especially the Royal Navy; but he was almost equally intolerant and suspicious of the American Army. War against Japan was the problem to which he had devoted the study of a lifetime, and he resented the idea of American resources being used for any other purpose than to destroy the Japanese. He mistrusted Churchill's powers of advocacy, and was apprehensive that he would wheedle President Roosevelt into neglecting the war in the Pacific.
** Hastings Lionel Ismay, 1st Baron Ismay, chief of staff to Winston Churchill during World War II, in his book The Memoirs of General Lord Ismay (1974), p. 253.

* Our Chiefs felt that they knew so little of what was really going on in the Pacific, of what the U.S. Navy planned to do, and of the amount of resources that these plans would absorb, that some enlightenment would be valuable. They also felt that 'Uncle Ernie' would take a less jaundiced view of the rest of the world if he had been able to shoot his line about the Pacific and get it off his chest.
** Sir Ian Jacob, secretary to the British Chiefs of Staff, in a written comment on the first day of the Casablanca Conference on 14 January 1943. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 271

* While Ernie King loved history, there was one story from ancient times that may have escaped his notice. As a boy, the Greek admiral Themistocles was said to have been taken by his father to a deserted beach, where his father showed him the carcasses of old war galleys lying sun-baked, prostrate, and neglected. That, his father told him, is how a democracy treats its leaders when they no longer have use for them. King had once objected to a wartime pay raise for soldiers, sailors, and officers. When the shooting stopped, he said, a grateful nation would distribute just rewards to the men who had brought them safely through the fire. When asked if he would write a book about the war, King replied that while he would do it, the book would have only two words: &quot;We won.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 471-472.

* The admiral who shaved with a blowtorch had given no thought to life after the war. Like Patton, Grant, Sherman and other men who stare transfixed into the bonfires of Mars, King settled into the realization on the day Japan's emissaries signed the surrender documents, he had accomplished his life's work. &quot;King was a lost soul when the war was over,&quot; said one friend. &quot;He had served his purpose. He had done what he had set out to do. He had won his part of the war.&quot; There would be a massive demobilization as the Navy returned its men to civilian life. The Pearl Harbor inquiry would become public, Congress would slash the Navy's budget, and old salts like himself would be put out to pasture, to make way for younger admirals.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* With Forrestal as Navy secretary, King knew retirement would follow quickly. He had gotten along with Knox only because the Chicago newsman knew nothing about the Navy, admitted it, and stayed out of King's way. Forrestal would not. During the war, King had cursed Forrestal out in the halls of the Navy Department, and had browbeaten him into staying out of naval operations. &quot;I didn't like him, and he didn't like me,&quot; King said.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* King's oaken hull began to split in 1947, when he suffered a stroke. His mind remained alert, but his iron-plated timbers began to creak and sag. He moved into a suite at Bethesda Naval Hospital for full-time care, and at one point he shared a floor with the acutely depressed James Forrestal, who ended his life by jumping from the sixteenth-floor window in 1949. King spent the next seven summers at the naval hospital in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He slipped his moorings and sailed over the bar on June 25, 1956, at the age of seventy-eight. He was buried at Annapolis, home of the United States Naval Academy. The only hymn sung at his funeral was a Navy anthem, an old favorite of Roosevelt's: &quot;Eternal Father, Strong to Save.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473.

* King, sixty-three years old in 1942, was as gruff a man as Nimitz was a serene one. Hard-drinking and legendarily ill-tempered, he once confessed that he had not actually uttered the self-descriptive epithet &quot;when they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches&quot; but that he would have if he had thought of it. Yet King's choleric manner masked an incisive strategic intelligence, possessed of qualities that perfectly fitted him for senior command: the ability to anticipate, the capacity for penetrating analysis of his adversary's predicaments, an unerring grasp of the reach and limits of his own forces, and a pit bull's determination to seize the initiative and attack, attack, attack.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* King had grown up alone with his father in an Ohio household from which his chronically ailing mother had been removed. He was ever after a loner, a brusque man who fathered seven children but seemed to love only the Navy.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* &quot;When they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches.&quot; Asked whether he had said said this, Admiral King replied no, he had not, but he would have if he had thought of it. They were indeed in trouble when they sent for King, bringing him from the brink of retirement to be Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and King would have been ready to admit that he enjoyed a reputation for toughness and ill temper that had few equals in the upper ranks of the U.S. Navy. He took charge of that navy at the depths of its despair and lifted it to the heights of triumph. He was a hard man in a hard time, well suited to lead a fighting fleet, but he was also a thoughtful man of a breadth and incisiveness that gave him an early and enduring grip on Allied strategy. Much of the war went the way he wished it to. The strongest mind within the American Joint Chiefs of Staff was the mind of Ernest J. King.
** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants and Their War'' (1987), p. 153

* Throughout the war, the four of us- Marshall, King, Arnold, and myself- worked in the closest possible harmony. In the postwar period, General Marshall and I disagreed sharply on some aspects of our foreign political policy. However, as a soldier, he was in my opinion one of the best, and his drive, courage, and imagination transformed America's citizen army into the most magnificent fighting force ever assembled. In number of men and logistical requirements, his army operations were by far the largest. This meant that more time of the Joint Chiefs were spent on his problems than on any others- and he invariably presented them with skill and clarity. King had an equally difficult task. His fleets had to hold Japan at bay while convoying millions of tons of supplies for the second front. '''He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret.''' The President had a high opinion of King's ability but he was a very undiplomatic person, especially when the Admiral's low boiling point would be reached in some altercation with the British. King would have preferred to put more power into the Asiatic war earlier. He supported loyally the general strategy of beating Germany first, but this often required concessions of ships which he did not like to make. He could not spare much, since, until the last months of the war, he was working with a deficit of ships. America was fighting a two-ocean war for the first time in its history.
** [[William D. Leahy]], ''I Was There'' (1950), p. 104

* Partial to Baltimore. Won fame in Massachusetts in Spanish war. The Saturday Night Club during youngster year. Then Stein and he reformed. Noon-walks. Spoons occasionally. Hops,- Well, yes! Temper? Don't fool with nitroglycerin. Court beauty No. 2. Rooms with the &quot;Full Dinner Pail&quot;. Laugh as rosy as his cheeks.
** Description of King in ''Lucky Bag'' (1901), yearbook of the United States Naval Academy, p. 35

* Admiral King claimed the Pacific as the rightful domain of the Navy; he seemed to regard the operations there as almost his own private war; he apparently felt that the only way to remove the blot on the Navy disaster at Pearl Harbor was to have the Navy command a great victory over Japan; he was adamant in his refusal to allow any major fleet to be under other command than that of naval officers although maintaining that naval officers were competent to command ground or air forces; he resented the prominent part I had in the Pacific War; he was vehement in his personal criticism of me and encouraged Navy propaganda to that end; he had the complete support of President Roosevelt and his Chief of Staff, Admiral Leahy, and in many cases of General Arnold, the head of the Air Force.
** [[George Marshall]], in conversation with Douglas MacArthur during a visit to him following the Tehran conference in late 1943. As quoted in ''Reminiscences'' (1964) by Douglas MacArthur, p. 183

* King never forgot a grudge. Now, he's used you to get back at me.
** Charles B. McVay, Jr., as quoted by Richard F. Newcomb in ''Abandon Ship''. King had been a junior officer under the old man's command when King and other officers sneaked some women aboard a ship. Admiral McVay had a letter of reprimand placed in King's record.

* King brought great operational experience, a powerful mind, and an eccentric and unbending personality.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44

* King was a brilliant naval officer and exceptionally capable seaman. But he had a willful, mean, and brittle side to his nature that limited his effectiveness as a leader charged with bringing new people and new ideas to bear on problems of developing untraditional and unanticipated ways of waging warfare.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44-46

* Roosevelt, who had been assistant secretary of the navy during World War I and maintained a proprietary interest in the service, had a hand in the choice of the sixty-three-year-old King as CINCLANT. Tough, brilliant, and short-tempered- Roosevelt said &quot;he shaved with a blow torch&quot;- King was an aviator, a submariner, and a staff officer, and the president's idea of a fighting sailor. Only a short time before, the admiral had been passed over for a top command and was headed for retirement, because, it was said, he drank too much, chased other men's wives, and had too many enemies. &quot;When they get into trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches,&quot; was his explanation for this reversal of fortune.
** Nathaniel Miller, ''War at Sea: A Naval History of World War II'' (1995), p. 190

* King was a sailor's sailor. He believed what was good for the Navy was good for the United States, and indeed the world. In that sense and that alone he was narrow. But he had a firm grasp of naval strategy and tactics, an encyclopedic knowledge of naval detail, an immense capacity for work, and complete integrity. Endowed with a superior intellect himself, he had no tolerance for fools or weaklings. He hated publicity, did not lend himself to popular buildup, and was the despair of interviewers. Unlike Admiral Stark's decisions, King's were made quickly and without much consultation; when anyone tried to argue with him beyond a certain point, a characteristic bleak look came over his countenance as a signal that his mind was made up and further discussion was useless. Although he had nothing of the courtier in his makeup, King acquired and retained the confidence and esteem of President Roosevelt. The two men were in a sense complimentary. Each had what the other lacked, and in concert with General Marshall, who shared the qualities of both, they formed a perfect winning team. The Republic has never had more efficient, intelligent and upright servants than these three men.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 103

* '''Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory.''' A stern sailor of commanding presence, vast sea-knowledge, and keen strategic sense, he was so insistent on maintaining the independence of the Navy, not only from our great Ally but from the Army, that he seemed at times to be anti-British and anti-Army. Neither was true; but King's one mistaken idea was his steady opposition to &quot;mixed groups&quot; from different Navies in the same task force; an idea strengthened by the unfortunate experience of the ABDA command... We may, however, concede to Admiral King a few prejudices, for he was undoubtedly the best naval strategist and organizer in our history. His insistence on limited offensives to keep the Japanese off balance, his successful efforts to provide more and more escorts for convoys, his promotion of the escort carrier antisubmarine groups, his constant backing of General Marshall to produce a firm date for Operation OVERLORD from the reluctant British; his insistence on the dual approach to Japan, are but a few of the many decisions that prove his genius. King's strategy for the defeat of Japan- the Formosa and China Coast approach, rather than the Luzon-Okinawa route- was overruled; but may well, in the long run, have been better than MacArthur's, which was adopted. King was also defeated in his many attempts to interest the Royal Navy in a Southeast Asia comeback; and in this he was right. The liberation of Malaya before the war's end would have spared the British Empire a long battle with local Communists and would have provided at least a more orderly transfer of sovereignty in the Netherlands East Indies.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 579-580

* He was a seadog who, despite his age (he was sixty-three, two years older than Marshall) had teeth and knew how to use them. Ashamed of the Navy's errors in Hawaii, he stormed into his new office under full sail, having been appointed by the President not only as Navy Chief of Staff but also as Commander in Chief of U.S. Navy Operations. The acronym for that had previously been CINCUS, but it is indicative of King's frame of mind that he thought it sounded too much like &quot;Sink Us&quot; with its Pearl Harbor connotations, and therefore had it changed to COMINCH. By presidential decree, he became the most powerful sailor in the history of the U.S. Navy, able to make operational and policy decisions over the head of the Secretary of the Navy himself, Colonel Frank Knox.
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196

* In character, Ernie King was the direct antithesis of General George Marshall. It is true that they had in common a liking for attractive women, but while Marshall's mood lightened at the sight of a pretty face, King reached out at the approach of a seductive female rump. He was an inveterate bottom pincher, and the benchmarks of many a bright young officer's promotion in the Navy were the bruises on his wife's shapely posterior. King was very much married, with a family of six daughters and a son. His wife, Mattie, was one of those spouses who used to be referred to as &quot;long-suffering.&quot; She had known the time when her husband had been not only a dogged chaser of naval wives but a hard drinker, too, passed over for promotion on one crucial occasion for suspected alcoholism; but, typical of his strength of mind, he had taken the pledge to eschew hard liquor for the duration of the war and now sipped only an occasional sherry. He had taken no similar pledge to eschew the opposite sex, and Mattie King had learned to live with that, though she did occasionally retaliate by finding out which naval wife King happened to be visiting. She would then telephone and, refusing to speak to her husband, would simply leave the message: &quot;Tell him his wife called.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196-197

* For all his human weaknesses, however, King was a magnificent sailor who excelled in all branches of seamanship. He had commanded a flotilla of destroyers in World War I with great skill and distinction. He was the hero of a between-wars catastrophe when a U.S. submarine- the ''S51''- went down with all hands, and he and a team of divers had successfully raised it to the surface against all expert prognostications, though too late to save the crew. He was the pioneer of that new branch of the post-World War I Navy, the Air Division Command, had learned to fly a plane and land it on the deck of one of the first American aircraft carriers, which he had successfully commanded. He shared one other quality with Marshall: patience. Like the Army Chief of Staff, he had waited years for promotion, and though his elbow-bending propensities hadn't helped him, he had held in there, enduring and waiting. As he said later, when the top job finally arrived, &quot;If one can only hold on for a little time longer, things will be eased up and in due time the trouble will iron out. That has been my own belief, not to say creed, but it works out for me.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 197

* From the beginning of his service as chief of naval operations and fleet commander- a fusion of responsibilities unknown in the navy's history- King proved he would fight the war his way, which meant an institutional focus on the Pacific war, a focus so intense that King himself botched the war on the German U-boats in 1942. He simply ignored this failure and pushed for more offensive action in the Pacific. He disagreed with cautious colleagues or superiors more often than not. He said no with routine abruptness to FDR, Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox, George C. Marshall, Douglas MacArthur, and the British representatives on the Combined Chiefs of Staff. He had an overriding strategic goal: to destroy the Japanese military might and to detach the U.S. Navy from the thrall of the British and MacArthur. Unlike MacArthur, King had no roots in Congress, the media, or any political party. Instead, he depended entirely o his absolute sense of purpose and strategic correctness to insist that the Allies could not defeat the Japanese along the Malay barrier at an acceptable cost in time and lives.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 337

* King's greatest political-strategic victory of the war came over the British and U.S. armies in 1943 when he won formal recognition from Roosevelt and Churchill that the war with Japan could be won only by an American naval campaign across the Central Pacific, a campaign directed by him and his principal field subordinate, Chester W. Nimitz. The first phase of the debate occurred before, during, and after two Roosevelt-Churchill conferences in early 1943: &quot;Trident&quot; in Washington, D.C., and &quot;Quadrant&quot; in Quebec. Aided by his best strategist, Admiral Cooke, King fought for his version of JCS 287, an American-drafted &quot;Strategic Plan for the Defeat of Japan.&quot; In its earliest drafts, this plan simply reflected the current reality that there were campaigns under way in Burma, China, and the South Pacific. Although army planners, dedicated to a second front in Europe, showed little interest in the war with Japan, the army still endorsed MacArthur's &quot;I Shall Return&quot; campaign. King insisted that any campaign should focus on the destruction of Japan's overseas resources, which meant an offensive direct only toward the Western Pacific sea lanes. He played on FDR's declining confidence that the British and Chinese would ever contribute much to a war of economic strangulation against Japan. When the British chiefs finally admitted that they would not release force from the Mediterranean for Asia, King pressed for the endorsement of CCS 242/6, &quot;Agreed Essentials in the Conduct of the War, which basically made the war with Japan an American responsibility. Roosevelt and Churchill approved this document on 25 May 1943.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 338

* By the end of 1943, King had largely succeeded in not only making the United States the principal arbiter of Pacific strategy but in making American strategy synonymous with navy strategy.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 339

* Ever since General Billy Mitchell had demonstrated twenty years before that warships could be bombed successfully from the air, the US Navy had been alive to the significance of naval aviation. In the 1920s the Navy commissioned the carriers ''Lexington'' and ''Saratoga'', the largest ships afloat until the war. Under Admiral King's leadership in the 1930s naval aviation made great strides in tactics and training. King's own career was linked with naval aviation. He had taught himself to fly when he was well over forty, and was commander of the carrier forces in the late 1930s. He was not a big battleship sailor; certainly not the man to pick up Yamamoto's challenge to a fleet duel.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 38

* Whether or not the British would in the end have baulked at Overlord remains an open question. By late 1943 a great deal of planning and force preparation had already been carried out, and they risked a serious breach with a watchful ally, growing more confident of its power month by month. But in the end the decision was taken out of their hands. At the end of November the three Allied leaders agreed to meet at Teheran. Rather than argue any more with the British, American leaders planned to outmaneuver them. The two western Allies met first at Cairo to discuss issues from the Far East and, so the British expected, the Mediterranean. Relations between the two military staffs were poorer than ever. Brooke became uncharacteristically intemperate; Admiral King, commander of the American navy, came close on one occasion to striking him. But on issues to do with Overlord and the Mediterranean the Americans remained silent, leaving the floor to their ally. When pressed they replied that the issues would be discussed when they met Stalin.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 142

* King had earned a reputation for brilliance and toughness, not to say harshness. He was generally reputed to be cold, aloof, and humorless. Ladislas Farago, who served under King, in his book ''The Tenth Fleet'' describes the new commander in chief: &quot;Tall, gaunt and taut, with a high dome, piercing eyes, aquiline nose, and a firm jaw, he looked somewhat like Hogarth's etching of Don Quixote but he had none of the old knight's fancy dreams. He was a supreme realist with the arrogance of genius... He was a grim taskmaster, as hard on himself as others. He rarely cracked a smile and had neither time nor disposition for ephemeral pleasantries. He inspired respect but not love, and King wanted it that way.&quot; The description is, of course, as stereotype, as Farago readily admitted. King could turn a reasonably benevolent eye upon a subordinate who produced to suit him, and in return elicit a degree of wry affection. On the other hand, he was utterly intolerant of stupidity, inefficiency, and laziness. He hated dishonesty and pretension, despised yes-men, and had no patience with indecisive Hamlet types. He could be completely ruthless. On one occasion he sent a commander to relieve a rear admiral who, in King's opinion, had failed to measure up- with orders that the admiral be out of the Navy Department building by five o'clock that afternoon.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 31

* In actual practice much of the Pacific war was devised by Admirals King and Nimitz. They were thus thrown into the closest cooperation, though most of the time they were far apart geographically. They maintained a constant dialogue in the form of radio dispatches, often several a day, letters, exchanges of representatives, and periodic meetings, usually in the Federal Building, San Francisco, King flying there from Washington and Nimitz from his headquarters in the Pacific. Though Admiral King's tone in communicating with Nimitz was occasionally acerbic, as was his nature, it is clear that the two commanders greatly respected each other. At the end of the war, King recommended Nimitz to be his successor as Chief of Naval Operations. Although their styles were in sharp contrast, King and Nimitz were more alike than different. Simplicity and directness were the keynotes of their characters. They were both dedicated to their country and to the Navy, though King's interests were more narrowly naval. Both were men of integrity and keen intelligence, and both were born strategists and organizers, with a genius for clarifying and simplifying and a jaundiced eye for the useless complications and waste emotion. Their chief difference lay in their attitudes toward their fellow human beings. King had little of Nimitz's understanding of, and empathy for, people. Said one of King's wartime associates, &quot;Every great man has his blind spot, and his was personnel.&quot; King went to great lengths to draw into his command the sort of men he wanted and to eliminate those he did not. The results were not always fortunate. Several cases of his placing the wrong man in the wrong spot for the wrong reasons could be cited.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 32

* While directing the movements of his ships in the western Pacific, Yamamoto, who fully realized the potential strength of the United States, was watching for the reaction of Nimitz and the possible approach of reinforcements. Neither King nor Nimitz could be lured into false moves by any of his strategems or taunted into premature action by newspaper critics at home.
** W.D. Puleston, ''The Influence of Sea Power in World War II'' (1947), p. 122

* '''So what, old top?'''
** Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a note written in reply to a message from King after the admiral had turned 64 on November 23, 1942, thus reaching mandatory retirement age. As quoted in ''FDR's World: War, Peace, and Legacies (2008)'' by David B. Woolner, Warren F. Kimball, and David Reynolds, p. 70.

* ['''King was] perhaps the most disliked Allied leader of World War II. Only British Field Marshal Montgomery may have had more enemies...''' King also loved parties and often drank to excess. Apparently, he reserved his charm for the wives of fellow naval officers. '''On the job, he &quot;seemed always to be angry or annoyed&quot;.'''
** John Ray Stakes, in his book ''The Invasion of Japan: Alternative to the Bomb (2000)''.

* The news was a stunning blow, and it quickly rippled all the way back to Pearl Harbor and to Admiral Ernest King, Chief of Naval Operations, in Washington, D.C. Both King and Admiral Nimitz, in particular, were concerned about the impact of the tragedy on the impending plans to bomb Japan. They feared a controversy in the midst of what could be the war's- and the Navy's- finest hour.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way: The Sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the Extraordinary Story of its Survivors'' (2001), p. 239

* The trial would begin in five days, on December 3, 1945. Admiral Nimitz and Admiral Spruance had disagreed with the inquiry's initial recommendation and suggested a letter of reprimand. However, the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral King a stern and &quot;by-the-book&quot; Navy man, pressed for the trial, and Secretary Forrestal agreed... McVay had less than a week to prepare his defense. King, eager to hurry the proceedings, had refused McVay his first choice of counsel when his preferred lawyer proved not immediately available. McVay wound up with an inexperienced lawyer.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way'' (2001), p. 262-263.

* Brooke got nasty, and King got good and sore. King almost climbed over the table at Brooke. God, he was mad. I wished he had socked him.
** Joseph Warren Stilwell, referring to an argument King had with British Field Marshal Alan Brooke at the Casablanca Conference in 1943, in which Brooke accused King of favoring the Pacific war. Sourced from ''George C. Marshall: Organizer of Victory 1943-1945 (1973)'' by Forrest C. Pogue, p. 305.

* Summoned to Washington to assume the post of commander in chief of the U.S. Fleet after Admiral Kimmel's relief, King was a vigorous, aggressive leader whose masterful performance as head of the Atlantic Fleet during 1941 had won him the respect and admiration of Knox and Roosevelt. An old friend and associate of Admiral Stark, he had- even before the latter's departure- assumed the leading role in shaping the Navy's approach to grand strategy. Arrogant, aloof, and suspicious, a &quot;sundowner,&quot; or strict disciplinarian, King inspired respect in many but affection in few. His admirers professed to see in him a brilliant strategist. To be sure, in sheer intellect he far overmatched his JCS colleagues, but his outlook was so strongly shaped by his intense and narrow devotion to Navy interests that he was seldom able to take a detached view of any strategic problem.
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 126-127

* Whatever his failings in interpersonal relations, King was a superb administrator and a determined foe of bureaucratization. His Fleet Staff was kept purposefully small and officers were constantly rotated in from sea duty, then rotated out again in a year or so- before they could acquire what King balefully referred to as &quot;the Washington mentality.&quot;
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 127

* [King was] opinionated, short-tempered, highly irascible, and rude.
** Mark A. Stoler, ''George C. Marshall: Soldier-Statesman of the American Century'' (1989), p. 116-117

* Admiral Ernest J. King was the exacting, hard-driving Chief of Naval Operations.
** C.L. Sulzberger, in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 313

* '''Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington.'''
** C.L. Sulzberger, in ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 335

* The admirals' academy careers are a study in contrasts. King made the best record. He was one of the lucky plebes who reached the Caribbean during the Spanish-American War, although he missed the Battle of Santiago. A star man in academic standing and a member of the junior varsity football team, the Hustlers, throughout his four years at the academy, in his first-class year he was chosen to command the battalion and graduated number four in a class of sixty-seven. His last year was dangerous, however. Put on report three times for smoking, he narrowly escaped a spell in the ''Santee'' and invited much more serious trouble by Frenching out to visit a girl in Annapolis. On one occasion a friend, learning of an unscheduled inspection at 10:00pm, loyally frenched out himself to bring King back on time. A few years later King was assigned to the Executive Department at the academy. At dinner with the midshipmen in Bancroft Hall one evening he was asked if he had ever frenched out. He admitted that he had. The next question was, &quot;Did you ever get caught?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; King replied, &quot;but I almost did.&quot; &quot;How did you manage not to?&quot; the midshipman persisted. &quot;I am afraid I cannot tell you now,&quot; King parried, &quot;but when you graduate, come out to my house and I will give you a drink and tell you how to French out and not be caught.&quot;
** Jack Sweetman, ''The United States Naval Academy: An Illustrated History'' (1995), 2nd Edition, edited by Thomas J. Cutler, p. 151-152

* We knew that America needed a shot in the national arm. Since December 7, 1941, our national heritage had yielded to a prideless humiliation. Half of our fleet still sat on the bottom of Pearl Harbor. The Philippines were gone, Guam and Wake had fallen, the Japanese were approaching Australia. What Admiral King saw, and what he jammed down the throats of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was that just possibly the mighty Japanese had overextended. He saw that just possibly a strike by us could halt their eastward parade. The only weapon he held, the only weapon America held, was a woefully understrength fleet and one woefully ill-equipped and partially trained Marine division.
** Alexander Vandegrift, reflecting on the commencement of the Battle of Guadalcanal, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 18

* Ernest King was something else again. Although I had met him in prewar years, neither I nor many people ever knew him. His prewar reputation- juniors liked to say he shaved with a blowtorch- raised him to almost demigod status in the eyes of some of his subordinates. Probably because the Marine Corps boasted its unique brand of toughness I wasn't much concerned about his reputation. Upon paying my first call to him as Commandant I did think we should understand each other, so before taking my leave I said, &quot;Admiral, I want to tell you what I have always told seniors when reporting for duty. If one of your decisions is in my opinion going to affect the Marine Corps adversely, I shall feel it my duty to explain our position on the subject, no matter how disagreeable this may be. If you disagree, I expect to keep right on explaining until such time as you make a final decision. If I do not agree with that, I will try to work with it anyway. I say this, sir, because if you want a rubber stamp you can go to the nearest Kresge store and buy one for twenty-five cents.&quot; King stared at me a moment, then abruptly nodded his head- a characteristic gesture. In the event, I worked more closely with his deputy chief, Admiral Horne, his chief of staff, Admiral Edwards, and his planner, Admiral Savvy Cooke. [On a few matters] I was forced to go to him and I generally won my point.
** Alexander Vandegrift, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 238

* Sir John Dill was a gentle genius at covering the waterfront in Washington for King and Country and for the ever present (in person or in spirit) Winston Churchill. During the critical war days he insinuated himself into the confidence of almost every important American. He enjoyed perhaps the most preferred position of any foreigner in our nation's capital. His diplomatic skill, tact, and calm philosophical manner were all disarming. I was always mindful of the fact that his first loyalty was to England. Although I admired and respected him, I tried never to forget for a moment that day and night his efforts were concentrated on furthering British interests. When British interests contravened American, I simply resisted Dill's maneuvers. Unfortunately there was no one in a high American position who seemed as alert to American interests as Dill was to British, except possibly Admiral King.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 165

* In my judgment King was the strongest man on the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. He had a keen, analytical mind. He was incisive and direct in his approach to the solution of a problem. He did not understand and could not engage in small talk. Perhaps he took himself too seriously, for he seemed outwardly to be devoid of a sense of humor. Years of military training had left their stamp- a rigidly self-disciplined man who did not ask anyone to conform to a strict code unless he himself within his own conscience knew that he was capable of performing in a similar manner. He never engaged in a sarcasm and was completely selfless. If he had been a smoothie or a person given to double talk, he might have easily assuaged the hurt feelings of the British when he took a definite position against their efforts to commit practically everything to the Mediterranean.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 184

* To Admiral of the Fleet Ernest J. King, an Undistinguished Service Stripe and Promotion to Grand Old Salt of the Alexandria Reserves: For conspicuous bravery and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty in performance of which he brilliantly rejected his best professional advice and daringly ignored his own natural instincts, and alone and single-handedly, at a moment when adverse winds of publicity were threatening to sink the whole fleet, exposed himself to a frontal assault by the picked shock troops of the journalistic enemy led by some of the most reprehensible and blood-thirsty Washington correspondents, and from that moment on, never retiring to cover from their incessant salvos of cross-fire, stormed the enemy in its own defenses and in the decisive and little-known Battle of Virginia conquered and captivated them completely.
** Tongue-in-cheek award presented by a group of 26 members of the press in Washington, D.C. during World War II, the &quot;Surviving Veterans of the Battle of Virginia&quot;, at a dinner held by these correspondents in King's honor in October 1945. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 652.

* Although reputed to be a real &quot;hard-nose&quot;, '''King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love.'''
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 233.

* Then, as the troops again presented arms, the firing squad fired three volleys, and as the bugler sounded &quot;Taps&quot;, the last of the seventeen-gun salute boomed out from across the river. The bodybearers folded the flag, gave it to King's son, and after a few minutes of quiet conversation, the mourners scattered. Nothing could have been at once more simpler and more magnificent, or more appropriate to the man. But to most of the midshipmen at the grave, King- and indeed Nimitz, Halsey, and Hewitt, who were among his pallbearers- must have seemed as distant figures as Dewey, Farragut, or even the sailors of the earliest wars of the Republic. The Class of 1958 is two full generations removed from the Class of 1901, and to a very young man this degree of remoteness borders on that of eternity. '''So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown.''' The speed of this process has led me to offer this perhaps discursive tribute of affection and respect to a figure of naval history that I had the good fortune, in his last years, to know as a man, rather than as a name.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, describing King's funeral, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 512.

* In all my conversations with Admiral King I have been forcibly struck by the essential simplicity of his mind and his manner, by his concentration on broad general principles, and by his complete lack of interest in the smaller details of problems or personalities.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 654.

* At meetings of the Combined Chiefs of Staff, King consistently and frankly maintained the attitude that his war was against the Japanese. Nor is this surprising. The Pacific War was a maritime struggle in which the Navy was unquestionably the senior service apply the power of the other services in execution of its own strategy. King was a proud and ambitious man. In the Pacific his navy could win honour and glory on its own account, but in the Atlantic there was no enemy worthy of its steel. There it would be reduced to the menial role of escorting convoys and supporting the amphibious operations of the Army, which every American sailor had been brought up to regard with antagonism and contempt.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 107-108

* Furthermore, in European waters American warships would almost certainly have to fight under the overall command of the Royal Navy, which King regarded as obsolete and incompetent. He is credited with having said, &quot;I fought under the goddam British in the First World War and if I can help it, no ship of mine will fight under 'em again.&quot; Whether or not this remark reflected his considered views, it is beyond dispute that he consistently sought to restrict the employment of U.S. naval forces in the war against Germany. Because he took this stand, and because Roosevelt had justifiable confidence in his professional judgment and efficiency, King was to exert a powerful influence on the development of Anglo-American strategy during the next three years.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 108

* ''Neque Glauci regno nec Neptuni nec ipsis Iovis Tonantis intemerato''.
* '''You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer.'''
** Edward Frederick Lindley Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax, then Chancellor of Oxford University, as he presented King with an honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law in June 1946. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 5.

* Franklin Roosevelt's wartime Chief of Naval Operations, the boss of the most powerful Navy in history; a classic s.o.b. and an undeniably great American, who played a major role in winning the war. Ernest King in legend was so tough that he shaved with a blowtorch, and he pretty much comes off that way in Buell's vigorous portrait.
** Herman Wouk, in a review of ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, featured on the back of the book's dust jacket.

=== Award Citations ===
[[File:80-G-43365 (32360533453).jpg|thumb|King's honorary &quot;commission&quot; as an Admiral in the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska in September 1943.]]
[[File:US-O11 insignia.svg|thumb|With exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.]]

* The Navy Cross is presented to Ernest Joseph King, Captain, U.S. Navy, for distinguished service in the line of his profession as Assistant Chief of Staff of the Atlantic Fleet.
** Citation for King's Navy Cross medal, awarded when the medal was established in 1919 and first awarded retroactively to servicemen for actions during World War I. At the time King received the Navy Cross, it was not exclusively a high decoration for valor in combat (second only to the Medal of Honor), but also an award for distinguished service, and it was for the latter that King received it.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States, as Officer in charge of the salvaging of the U.S.S. S-51, from 16 October 1925 to 8 July 1926.
** Citation for King's first Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Gold Star in lieu of a Second Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commanding Officer of the Salvage Force entrusted with the raising of the U.S.S. S-4, sunk as a result of a collision off Provincetown, Massachusetts, 17 December 1927. Largely through his untiring energy, efficient administration and judicious decisions this most difficult task, under extremely adverse conditions, was brought to a prompt and successful conclusion.
** Citation for King's second Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Second Gold Star in lieu of a Third Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Fleet Admiral Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commander in Chief of the United States Fleet from 20 December 1941, and concurrently as Chief of Naval Operations from 18 March 1942 to 10 October 1945. During the above periods, Fleet Admiral King, in his dual capacity, exercised complete military control of the naval forces of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard and directed all activities of these forces in conjunction with the U.S. Army and our Allies to bring victory to the United States. As the United States Naval Member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Combined Chiefs of Staff, he coordinated the naval strength of this country with all agencies of the United States and of the Allied Nations, and '''with exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.''' Analyzing with astute military acumen the multiple complexity of large-scale combined operations and the paramount importance of amphibious warfare, Fleet Admiral King exercised a guiding influence in the formation of all operational and logistic plans and achieved complete coordination between the U.S. Navy and all Allied military and naval forces. His outstanding qualities of leadership throughout the greatest period of crisis in the history of our country were an inspiration to the forces under his command and to all associated with him.
** Citation for King's third Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

==External Links==
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      <text bytes="124990" xml:space="preserve">Fleet Admiral '''[[w:Ernest Joseph King|Ernest Joseph King]]''' ([[23 November]] [[1878]] – [[25 June]] [[1956]]) was Commander in Chief, [[w:United States Fleet|United States Fleet]] (COMINCH) and [[w:Chief of Naval Operations|Chief of Naval Operations]] (CNO) during [[World War II]]. As COMINCH-CNO, he directed the [[w:United States Navy|United States Navy]]'s operations, planning, and administration and was a member of the [[w:Joint Chiefs of Staff|Joint Chiefs of Staff]]. He was the U.S. Navy's second most senior officer after Fleet Admiral [[w:William D. Leahy|William D. Leahy]], and the second admiral to be promoted to five star rank. He served under Secretary of the Navy [[w:Frank Knox|Frank Knox]] and later under [[w:James Forrestal|James Forrestal]].

[[File:FADM Ernest J. King.jpg|thumbnail|Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.]]

== Quotes ==

[[File:Naval Aviator Badge.jpg|thumb|Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.]]
[[File:2014.020.007 Award, Medal, Navy Cross (13997822835).jpg|thumb|Difficulties exist to be overcome.]]
[[File:80-G-K-13943 (26222688441).jpg|thumb|Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.]]
[[File:USNA Gold Seal.png|thumbnail|To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.]]
[[File:Flag of the United States Navy (official).svg|thumb|I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.]]
[[File:Remember december 7th.jpg|thumb|The way to victory is long.]]
[[File:Into the Jaws of Death 23-0455M edit.jpg|thumb|The going will be hard.]]
[[File:80-G-302273 (26222660441).jpg|thumb|We will do the best we can with what we've got.]]
[[File:&quot;Make every minute count - We have no time to lose Don't slow up the ship&quot; - NARA - 514952.tif|thumb|We must have more planes and ships- at once.]]
[[File:SBD-3 Dauntless bombers of VS-8 over the burning Japanese cruiser Mikuma on 6 June 1942.jpg|thumb|Then it will be our turn to strike.]]
[[File:Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima, larger - edit1.jpg|thumb|We will win through- in time.]]
[[File:Army B-25 (Doolittle Raid).jpg|thumb|Our days of victory are in the making.]]
[[File:Push - it isn't a wishing stone^ - NARA - 534873.jpg|thumb|No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.]]
[[File:TBF dropping torpedo NAN2-2-44.jpg|thumb|CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.]]
[[File:Ray Wagner Collection Image (16156795450).jpg|thumb|Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.]]
[[File:Put them acrosss^ The Toughest Job is Still Ahead^ - NARA - 534688.jpg|thumb|While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.]]
[[File:Flag of the Soviet Union.svg|thumb| In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.]]
[[File:&quot;Man your stations&quot; - NARA - 514977.jpg|thumb|It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.]]
[[File:USS Balao SS-285.jpg|thumb|The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.]]
[[File:War Ends.jpg|thumb|Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.]]

* '''Don't tell them anything. When it's over, tell them who won.'''
** King's reply when asked for a public relations strategy for the U.S. Navy in World War II. As quoted in ''Dictionary of Military and Naval Quotations (1966)'' by Robert Heinl, p. 258

* Every naval officer has a job to do. He should do that job out of a sense of duty and should not get recognition for having done what he has been trained to do. His only reward should be the satisfaction of knowing that he has done the job well and to the best of his ability.
** Said to Betsy Matter during World War II, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 380-381

* Initiative means freedom to act, but it does not mean freedom to act in an offhand or casual manner.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 126

* I don't know much about this thing called logistics. All I know is that I want some.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 172

* Discipline is willing obedience to attain the greatest good by the greatest number. It means [the] laying aside, for the time being, of ordinary everyday go-as-you-please and do-what-you-like. It means one for all and all for one- teamwork. It means a machine- not of inert metal, but one of living men- an integrated human machine in which each does his part and contributes his full share.
** As quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 281

=== 1930s ===

==== 1936 ====
* '''Anyone who won't take a chance now and then isn't worth a damn.'''
** Remark on participating in hazardous bad-weather training flights alongside his aviators aboard USS ''Lexington'' (CV-2) in 1936. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 105
=== 1940s ===

==== 1940 ====

* '''I don't care how good they are. Unless they get a kick in the ass every six weeks, they'll slack off.'''
** King's comment on maintaining a strict style of leadership, in particular constantly holding drills and inspections among his sailors and officers, in 1940 when he was a 2-star rear admiral. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 72.

==== 1941 ====

* It must be the key idea of all hands that we will make the best of what we have.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* I expect the officers of the Atlantic Fleet to be the leaders of what may be called the pioneering spirit- to lead in the determination that the difficulties and discomforts- personnel, materiel, operations, waiting- shall be dealt with as &quot;enemies&quot; to be overcome by our own efforts.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

* There is work in plenty for all hands- officers and men.
** Excerpt from Atlantic Fleet Confidential Memorandum 2CM-41, sent on 24 March 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume One: The Battle of the Atlantic, September 1939-May 1943'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 52

*'''The way to victory is long. &lt;br&gt;The going will be hard. &lt;br&gt;We will do the best we can with what we've got. &lt;br&gt;We must have more planes and ships- at once. &lt;br&gt;Then it will be our turn to strike. &lt;br&gt;We will win through- in time.'''
** King's first statement as Commander-in-Chief, United States fleet, sent on 24 December 1941. As quoted in ''History of United States Naval Operations in World War II, Volume Three: The Rising Sun in the Pacific, 1931-April 1942'' (1948) by Samuel Eliot Morison, p. 255. Also quoted on the first page and on page 58 of ''The United States Navy in World War II (1966) by S.E. Smith (editor).

==== 1942 ====

* '''No fighter ever won his fight by covering up- by merely fending off the other fellow's blows. The winner hits and keeps on hitting even though he has to take some stiff blows in order to be able to keep on hitting.'''
** Excerpt from a late March 1942 memorandum King wrote to President Roosevelt, urging against adopting the policy of those most concerned with defending the continental United States. It is unknown if the memorandum was actually ever seen by the President. The entire memorandum is quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 193.

* '''Machines are as nothing without men. Men are as nothing without morale.'''
** Graduation address at the United States Naval Academy, 16 June 1942, as quoted by Robert A. Fitton (editor) in ''Leadership: Quotations From the Military Tradition'' (1990), p. 193

* '''CINCUS to Vandegrift for his flyers- Many happy returns Sunday and congratulations- Keep knocking them off.'''
** Dispatch from King to then-Major General [[Alexander Vandegrift]], commander of the 1st Marine Division, during the Battle of Guadalcanal in late August 1942. As quoted in ''Once A Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 146

* Dear Mr. President: &lt;br&gt;It appears proper that I should bring to your notice the fact that the record shows that I shall attain the age of 64 years on November 23rd next- one month from today. &lt;br&gt;I am as always at your service. &lt;br&gt;Most sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Ernest J. King &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** Letter from King to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] on 23 October 1942, notifying the President that King was about to reach mandatory retirement age, at which time he could only be kept in the Navy at the desire of the President. Roosevelt hand-wrote on the same letter &quot;So what, old top? I may even send you a birthday present!&quot; and had it sent back to King. As quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952), by Ernest King and Walter M. Whitehill, p. 412

* (1) Defensive phase... a boxer covering up. &lt;br&gt;(2) Defensive-offensive phase... a boxer covering up while seeking an opening to counterpunch. &lt;br&gt;(3) Offensive-defensive phase... blocking punches with one hand while hitting with the other. &lt;br&gt;(4) Offensive phase... hitting with both hands.
** King's predicted four phases of World War II for the United States and the Allies, made while conversing with reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* '''In the last analysis, Russia will do nine-tenths of the job of defeating Germany.'''
** Prediction made by King when speaking to reporters in Alexandria, Virginia on 30 November 1942. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 265

* I'd say they started something at Pearl Harbor that they are not going to finish. We are going to win this war.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 30

* '''Our days of victory are in the making.'''
** Remark by King in March 1942, as quoted in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* It's going to be a long war. We will really hit our stride in about a year's time... Our two-ocean Navy is not yet in service. The smaller ships for it will begin to come into service around Thanksgiving or Christmas. The plain fact is we haven't got the tools. Some of our critics would have us do everything everywhere all at once. It can't be done with what we have to work with.
** From an address during a 1942 visit to Cleveland, Ohio, and Lorain, Ohio, as quoted from ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 31

* I have a philosophy that when you have a commander in the field, let him know what you want done and then let him alone. I have two other philosophies. One is: Do the best you can with what you have. The other is: Do not worry about water over the dam.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 32.

* We knew what Nimitz was doing. He did the right thing, and we let him alone.
** Comment on Chester Nimitz's role in the Battle of Midway in ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

* We hear a great deal of clamor from time to time for unity of command. That's a loose term and has come to be widely used by people who don't have the full facts. Actually, many good officers are not qualified or competent to exercise unified command, but we keep on hearing amateurs suggest that some one man be called in to exercise sweeping control over all things military.
** From ''Time'' magazine's interview with King, Volume XL, Number 23 (December 7, 1942), p. 33

==== 1943 ====

* The seeming helplessness of our cousins strikes me as amusing when it is not annoying. I am sure what they wish in their hearts is that we would haul down the Stars and Stripes and hoist the White Ensign in all our ships. What particularly irks me is their strong liking for mixed forces, which as you know approached anathema to me. I am willing to take over additional tasks- and we have done so- but I cannot be expected to agree to help them cling to tasks that they themselves say they are unable to do unless we lend them our ships and other forces. I think we have done enough for them in their Home Fleet.
** In a letter from King to Admiral Harold B. Stark in November 1943, as quoted in ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000) by Robin Brodhurst.

* Stalin knew just what it was he wanted when he came to Teheran, and he got it. Stalin is a stark realist, and there is no foolishness about him. He speaks briefly and directly to the point- not a wasted word.
** Remark to reporters on  28 November 1943 during the Tehran Conference, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 431

==== 1944 ====

* Well done, Frank Knox. We dedicate ourselves, one and all, to what surely would have been his last order- 'Carry On!'
** King's public written response to the death of Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox on April 28, 1944, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 243

==== 1945 ====

* SUSPEND ALL OFFENSIVE ACTION. REMAIN ALERT.
** King's final wartime message to Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, Commander, United States Pacific Fleet, sent by cable on August 14, 1945. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 467.

* '''Well, it's all over. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow.'''
** Remark to Neil K. Dietrich on 14 August 1945; King had just learned that President Harry Truman was going to announce Japan's decision to surrender unconditionally to the Allied powers. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 498

==== 1946 ====

* I can best stress the importance of the U.S. Navy to the American people when I state that without sea power on our side the United States would never have become a nation, would not have continued to exist as a nation, and even more specifically would not have won the great World War just so successfully concluded.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 9

* The part of the U.S. Navy alone in this war was stupendous. And I wish here to acknowledge our debt not only to the men and women of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, and their several Women's Reserves, but also to those innumerable civilians who aided the Navy's war effort.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* The day after Pearl Harbor our Navy's position in the Pacific was extremely grave. The bulk of our major ships had been put out of commission for a year; only our small Asiatic Fleet under Admiral Hart in the Philippines and portions of the Pacific Fleet that had been absent from Pearl Harbor on the day of the attack were in fighting condition in the Pacific. Even Hawaii might be attacked and overrun at any moment. And in the Atlantic the Axis submarines were destroying a tremendous tonnage of our shipping within sight of our very shores. Then, even at the lowest of the war tide, the decision was made, and correctly: first fight for time, especially in the Pacific- and then assemble the might to conquer first Italy and then Germany, and then inevitably Japan must succumb.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* Nor is the Navy content to rest on its present laurels. Long a leader in invention and research, our Navy is already studying new weapons, new methods- the atomic bomb and guided missiles, for instance. Whatever new weapons, or defenses against new weapons, science can develop, the U.S. Navy intends to incorporate them into itself to make sure that the Navy shall always be strong enough to perform its historic function of defense of our own country and of offense against enemy countries. It is to be hoped that every American will exert his effort and influence to see that goal is achieved- that the U.S. Navy will always remain, as it is today, the world's greatest sea power.
** From King's Foreword in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 10

* On the evening of December 8, therefore, after the Japanese had bombed the airfields and destroyed many of General MacArthur's planes, our submarines and motor torpedo boats, which were still in Philippine water, were left with the task of impeding the enemy's advance.
** From King's report on the Japanese attack on the Philippines, as quoted in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy In Action'' (1946) by Admirals of the U.S. Navy, p. 180

===== ''U.S. Navy at War, 1941-1945: Official Reports to the Secretary of the Navy'' (1946) =====
:&lt;small&gt;Book printed out of the three major reports King issued on 23 April 1944, 27 March 1945, and 8 December 1945 &lt;/small&gt;

* Calculating risks does not mean taking a gamble. It is more than figuring the odds. It is not reducible to a formula. It is the analysis of all factors which collectively indicate whether or not the consequences to ourselves will be more than compensated for by the damage to the enemy or interference with his plans. Correct calculation of risks, by orderly reasoning, is the responsibility of every naval officer who participates in combat, and many who do not.
** First Report, p. 34

* The war has been variously termed a war of production and a war of machines. Whatever else it is, so far as the United States is concerned, it is a war of logistics.
** First Report, p. 34

* '''It is no easy matter in a global war to have the right materials in the right places at the right times in the right quantities.'''
** First Report, p. 36

* The actions in the Coral Sea and at Midway did much to wrest the initiative from the enemy and slow down further advance. Our first really offensive operation was the seizure of Guadalcanal in August 1942. This campaign was followed by a general offensive made possible by increases in our amphibious forces and in our naval forces in general, which has continued to gain momentum on the entire Pacific front. At the end of February 1944, the enemy had been cleared from the Aleutians, had been pushed well out of the Solomons, and was forced to adopt a defensive delaying strategy. Meanwhile, our own positions in the Pacific had been strengthened.
** First Report, p. 38

* The war in the Pacific may be regarded as having four stages: &lt;br&gt;(a) The defensive, when we were engaged almost exclusively in protecting our shores and our lines of communication from the encroachments of the enemy. &lt;br&gt;(b) The defensive-offensive, during which, although our operations were chiefly defensive in character, we were able nevertheless to take certain defensive measures. &lt;br&gt;(c) The offensive-defensive, covering the period immediately following our seizure of the initiative, but during which we still had to use a large part of our forces to defend our recent gains. &lt;br&gt;(d) The offensive, which began when our advance bases were no longer seriously threatened and we became able to attack the enemy at places of our own choosing. 
** First Report, p. 39

* The Battle of Midway was the first decisive defeat suffered by the Japanese Navy in 350 years. Furthermore, it put an end to the long period of Japanese offensive action, and restored the balance of naval power in the Pacific. The threat to Hawaii and the west coast was automatically removed, and except for operations in the Aleutians area, where the Japanese had landed on the islands of Kiska and Attu, enemy operations were confined to the south Pacific. It was to this latter area, therefore, that we gave our greatest attention.
** First Report, p. 49

* The Battle of Guadalcanal, in spite of heavy losses we sustained, was a decisive victory for us, and our position in the southern Solomons was not threatened again seriously by the Japanese. Except for the &quot;Tokio express,&quot; which from time to time succeeded in landing small quantities of supplies and reinforcements, control of the sea and air in the southern Solomons passed to the United States.
** First Report, p. 61

* The operations in the Marshall Islands carried out by the forces under Vice Admiral Spruance were characterized by excellent planning and by almost perfect timing in the execution of those plans. The entire operation was a full credit to those who participated, and it is a noteworthy example of the results that may be expected from good staff work.
** First Report, p. 74

* For reasons of security, our submarine operations throughout the Pacific can be discussed only in very general terms. No branch of the naval service, however, has acquitted itself more creditably. Submarine commanding officers are skillful, daring and resourceful. Their crews are well trained and efficient. Their morale is high, and in direct ratio to the success of submarine operations. Materially our submarines are in excellent shape, and we have kept up to the minute in all features of design and scientific development and research. '''The versatility of our submarines has been so repeatedly demonstrated throughout the war that the Japanese know only too well that in no part of the Pacific Ocean are they safe from submarine attack. When the full story can be told, it will constitute one of the most stirring chapters in the annals of naval warfare.'''
** p. 77

* '''Both in Europe and in the Pacific long roads still lie ahead. But we are now fully entered on those roads, fortified with unity, power, and experience, imbued with confidence and determined to travel far and fast to victory.'''
** First Report, p. 93

* '''While we contemplate with pride the accomplishments of the past twelve months- accomplishments without precedent in naval history- we must never forget that there is a long, tough and laborious road ahead.'''
** Second Report, p. 163

* In connection with the matter of command in the field, there is perhaps a popular misconception that the Army and the Navy were intermingled in a standard form of joint operational organization in every theater throughout the world. Actually, the situation was never the same in any two areas. For example, after General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower had completed his landing in Normandy, his operation became purely a land campaign. The Navy was responsible for maintaining the line of communications across the ocean and for certain supply operations in the ports of Europe, and small naval groups became part of the land army for certain special purposes, such as the boat groups which helped in the crossing of the Rhine. But the strategy and tactics of the great battles leading up to the surrender of Germany were primarily army affairs and no naval officer had anything directly to do with the command of this land campaign. A different situation existed in the Pacific, where, in the process of capturing small atolls, the fighting was almost entirely within range of naval gunfire; that is to say, the whole operation of capturing an atoll was amphibious in nature, with artillery and air-support primarily naval. This situation called for a mixed Army-Navy organization which was entrusted to the command of Fleet Admiral Nimitz. A still different situation existed in the early days of the war during the Solomon Islands campaign where Army and Navy became, of necessity, so thoroughly intermingled that they were, to all practical purposes, a single service directed by Admiral William F. Halsey, Jr. Under General of the Army Douglas MacArthur, Army, Army Aviation, and the naval components of his command were separate entities tied together only at the top in the person of General MacArthur himself. In the Mediterranean the scheme of command differed somewhat from all the others.
** Third Report, p. 172

* The final phase of the Pacific naval war commenced with the assault on Iwo Jima in February 1945, closely followed by that on Okinawa in April. These two positions were inner defenses of Japan itself; their capture by United States forces meant that the heart of the Empire would from then on be exposed to the full fury of attack, not only by our carrier aircraft but also by land-based planes, the latter in a strength comparable to that which wreaked such devastation against the better protected and less vulnerable cities of Germany. After Okinawa was in our hands, the Japanese were in a desperate situation, which could only be alleviated if they could strike a counterblow, either by damaging our fleet or by driving us from our advanced island positions. The inability of the Japanese to do either was strong evidence of their increasing impotence and indicated that the end could not be long delayed.
** Third Report, p. 173

* The defensive organization of Iwo Jima was the most complete and effective yet encountered. The beaches were flanked by high terrain favorable to the defenders. Artillery, mortars, and rocket launchers were well concealed, yet could register on both beaches- in fact, on any point on the island. Observation was possible, both from Mount Suribachi at the south end and from a number of commanding hills and steep defiles sloping to the sea from all sides of the central Motoyama tableland afforded excellent natural cover and concealment, and lent themselves readily to the construction of subterranean positions to which the Japanese are addicted. Knowing the superiority of the firepower which would be brought against them by air, sea, and land, they had gone underground most effectively, while remaining ready to man their positions with mortars, machine guns, and other portable weapons the instant our troops started to attack. The defenders were dedicated to expending themselves- but expending themselves skillfully and protractedly in order to exact the uttermost toll from the attackers. Small wonder then that every step had to be won slowly by men inching forward with hand weapons, and at heavy costs. There was no other way of doing it. The skill and gallantry of our Marines in this exceptionally difficult enterprise was worthy of their best traditions and deserving of the highest commendation. This was equally true of the naval units acting in their support, especially those engaged at the hazardous beaches. American history offers no finer example of courage, ardor and efficiency.
** Third Report, p. 174-175

* Never before in the history of war had there been a more convincing example of the effectiveness of sea power than when a well-armed, highly efficient and undefeated army of over a million men surrendered their homeland unconditionally to the invader without even token resistance. True, the devastation already wrought by past bombings, as well as the terrible demonstration of power by the first atomic bombs, augured nothing less for the Japanese than total extinction; yet without sea power there would have been no possession of Saipan, Iwo Jima, and Okinawa from which to launch these bombings. True, the Japanese homeland might have been taken by assault in one final amphibious operation of tremendous magnitude, yet without sea power such an assault could not have been attempted.
** Third Report, p. 195

* The end of the war came before we had dared to expect it. As late as August 1943 strategic studies drawn up by the British and United States planners contemplated the war against Japan continuing far into 1947. Even the latest plans were based upon the Japanese war lasting a year after the fall of Germany. Actually Japan's defeat came within three months of Germany's collapse. The nation can be thankful that the unrelenting acceleration of our power in the Pacific ended the war in 1945.
** Third Report, p. 232

* The price of victory has been high. Beginning with the dark days of December 1941 and continuing until September 1945, when the ships of the Pacific Fleet steamed triumphant into Tokyo Bay, the Navy's losses were severe. The casualties of the United States Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard reached the totals of 56,206 dead, 80,259 wounded, and 8,967 missing. Many of these gallant men fell in battle; many were lost in strenuous and hazardous operations convoying our shipping or patrolling the seas and skies; others were killed in training for the duties that Fate would not permit them to carry out. All honor to these heroic men. To their families and to those who have suffered the physical and mental anguish of wounds, the Navy includes its sympathy in that of the country they served so well. It is my sincere hope- and expectation- that the United States will hereafter remain ever ready to support and maintain the peace of the world by being ever ready to back up its words with deeds.
** Third Report, p. 232

=== 1950s ===

* I'll never forgive the Army for not taking at least part of the blame for Pearl Harbor. That was why I didn't like Stimson.
** King's comment after the war on Henry L. Stimson, who was United States Secretary of War during World War II, while speaking to Commander Walter Muir Whitehill, who wrote King's memoirs for him. As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473

* I didn't like the atom bomb or any part of it.
** King's comment to Commander Whitehill on July 4, 1950, which was transcribed in Whitehill's notes. As quoted in ''The Decision to Use the Atomic Bomb and the Architecture of an American Myth'' (1995) by Gar Alperovitz, p. 321

==== ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) ====
:&lt;small&gt;This book was co-written by King and Walter Muir Whitehill, and apart from the Introduction and various instances wherein King is directly quoted throughout the book, it is written in a third-person narrative style. &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To the Class of 1901, United States Naval Academy.'''
** Dedication

* During the war I kept neither a diary nor notes. I had then neither the time nor the inclination, and like most sailors, who through necessity &quot;travel light,&quot; I have not accumulated any substantial body of personal papers. Since my relief as Chief of Naval Operations on 15 December 1945, I have spent many hours in recalling the events of World War II and of my earlier life in the Navy. My source has been my memory, verified and supplemented by references to official records and by the recollections of officers who assisted me in my wartime duties. The reader must therefore take this book on faith, for its statements are not bolstered by citations of numerous documents. I must ask him to believe, however, that I have made a sincere and conscientious effort to avoid the inspiration of hindsight and to record matters as they seemed at the time.
** Introduction, p. viii

* '''War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.''' War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:BB61 USS Iowa BB61 broadside USN.jpg|thumbnail|War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life.]]

* '''Any man facing a major decision acts, consciously or otherwise, upon the training and beliefs of a lifetime.''' This is no less true of a military commander than of a surgeon who, while operating, suddenly encounters an unsuspected complication. In both instances, the men must act immediately, with little time for reflection, and if they are successful in dealing with the unexpected it is upon the basis of past experience and training. As any decisions that I made during World War II sprang from the forty-four years' service that were behind me in 1941, I wish to acquaint the reader with the background of my professional life so that he may better understand their origins.
** Introduction, p. viii

* The United States has never had the tradition of a military class. The President of the United States is the Commander in Chief of the Armed Services, and the officers and enlisted men of the Army, Navy, and Air Force are drawn from all classes of American life and must be trained from scratch.
** Introduction, p. viii

[[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|It is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.]]

* ''First'', all hands gave their best and their utmost, day and night, in good weather and bad, in order that the work might progress with all practicable dispatch. ''Second'', the divers encountered the hazards of their work with unfailing readiness, with the greatest skill and frequently the greatest intrepidity and daring; '''it is trite to say that the job could not have been done without them; it is true to say that none could have done more than they did.''' ''Third'', the commanding officer of the ''Falcon'', Lieutenant Henry Hartley, whose seamanship was of the highest order, whose advice in all matters was invaluable, whose judgement was eminently sound, displayed a devotion to duty which was unceasing and a constant example to all hands.
** p. 183-184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51, an operation which King commanded.

* ''Fourth'', Lieutenant Commander Edward Ellsberg, Construction Corps, the salvage officer, was in direct personal charge of the actual salvage work and diving operations; his technical knowledge and resourcefulness were adequate for all of the innumerable setbacks and difficulties; he developed an improved underwater cutting torch, worked out the technique of handling the pontoons, learned to dive during the months the actual operations were suspended and actually went down on the wreck some three times during the spring operations; he was the embodiment of perseverance and determination.
** p. 184. Detailing the salvaging of U.S.S. S-51.

* Historically ... it is traditional and habitual for us to be inadequately prepared. This is the combined result of a number factors, the character of which is only indicated: democracy, which tends to make everyone believe that he knows it all; the preponderance (inherent in democracy) of people whose real interest is in their own welfare as individuals; the glorification of our own victories in war and the corresponding ignorance of our defeats (and disgraces) and of their basic causes; the inability of the average individual (the man in the street) to understand the cause and effect not only in foreign but domestic affairs, as well as his lack of interest in such matters. Added to these elements is the manner in which our representative (republican) form of government has developed as to put a premium on mediocrity and to emphasise the defects of the electorate already mentioned.
** p. 236-237.

* On the afternoon of 28 February 1939 King and Halsey went together on board ''Houston'' where some twenty or more flag officers of the United States Fleet had been summoned to pay their respects to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. President Roosevelt was in high spirits, for he loved the Navy and always visibly expanded when at sea. As the admirals greeted him, he would have some pleasant, half-teasing personal message for each. King, when his turn came, shook hands and said that he hoped the President liked the manner in which naval aviation was improving month by month, if not day by day. Mr. Roosevelt seemed pleased by this, and, after a brief chat, admonished King, in his bantering way, to watch out for the Japanese and the Germans. King made no attempt to hold further conversation with the President, even though Admiral Bloch urged him to do so. He had never &quot;greased&quot; anyone during his forty-two years of service and did not propose to begin, particularly at a moment when many of the admirals were trying so hard to please Mr. Roosevelt that it was obvious. He had paid his respects civilly; he was in plain sight, and felt that the President could easily summon him if there were anything more to say. He believed that his record would speak for itself, and that it was not likely to be improved by anything that he might say at this moment. It seemed that the die was already cast, although the President's decision would not be made known for some weeks.
** p. 291-292

* King, when told that he could have eggs ''or'' pancakes and toast and coffee, asked with the severity of expression that has often disconcerted those who do not know his fondness for teasing, why he could not have both. The waiter gasped, but shortly returned with a monumental plate of eggs ''and'' pancakes that caused Marshall to wonder how King got that huge breakfast. The answer was simple: &quot;I asked for it!&quot; Although in some doubt as to whether he could eat his way through what he had brought on himself, the food tasted so good after a week in wartime London that King eventually disposed of it. He then in Navy fashion thanked the mess officer, asked to look over the galley, and congratulated and shook hands with the cooks.
** Account of a visit King and George C. Marshall made to an Army mess hall in Presque Isle, Maine, in late July 1942, p. 408

* a. Would it further threaten or cut Japanese lines of communications? &lt;br&gt;b. Would it contribute to the attainment of positions of readiness from which a full-scale offensive could be launched against Japan?
** Two questions which King believed it was necessary to ask when considering any operation in the Pacific, as cited on p. 440

* '''Do the best you can with what you have. &lt;br&gt;Do not worry about water that has gone over the dam. &lt;br&gt;Difficulties exist to be overcome.'''
** p. 640

* Dear Harriet: &lt;br&gt;I have your letter of January 6th- and am interested to learn that you have to do my biography as part of your English work. As to your questions: I drink a little wine, now and then. I smoke about one pack of cigarettes a day. I think I like Spencer Tracy as well as any of the movie stars. My hobby is cross-word puzzles- when they are difficult. My favorite sport is golf- when I can get to play it- otherwise, I am fond of walking. Hoping that all will go well with your English work, I am, &lt;br&gt;Very truly yours, &lt;br&gt;E.J. KING &lt;br&gt;Admiral, U.S. Navy
** King's reply to a sixth grade student in Brooklyn, New York City, New York, who wrote King a letter in January 1943 asking if he drank or smoked and what his favorite movie star, hobby and sport might be. Cited on p. 651

{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at his quarters and salutes a solider during the Potsdam Conference... - NARA - 199002.tif|thumb|When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.]]
* '''When they get in trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches.'''
** Remark that King allegedly made when he was called to be Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, soon after the United States had entered World War II on December 7, 1941. Numerous sources have claimed he said a number of versions of this from World War II to the present day. However, when asked if he had said actually made the remark, King replied that he had not, but would have if he had thought of it. As quoted in ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, p. 573, and ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987) by Eric Larrabee, p. 153

The alleged quote and King's reaction upon being told of it is further confirmed below:
*&quot;&quot;Admiral, asked McCrea, &quot;is this story true that I hear about?&quot; &quot;Well, John, I don't know,&quot; replied King, deadpan. &quot;Which story is it?&quot; &quot;They tell me,&quot; McCrea went on, &quot;you were heard to say recently, 'Yes, damn it, when they get in trouble they send for the sons of bitches.'&quot; King couldn't help but smile. &quot;No, John, I didn't say it. But I will say this: If I had thought of it, I would have said it.&quot;&quot;
** Conversation between Captain John L. McCrea and King in 1942, shortly after the latter's appointment as Commander-in-Chief, United States Fleet. As quoted in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012) by Walter R. Borneman, p. 212

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about King ==
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lot-4263-35 (22784386347).jpg|thumb|Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character... Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality. ~ George M. Hall]]
[[File:Flag of a United States Navy fleet admiral.svg|thumbnail|No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy. ~ John Buchanan]]
:[[File:Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (left), accompanied by Commander R. E. Dornin, mount the steps to their quarters near... - NARA - 198827.jpg|thumb|So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:80-G-K-13800-A (26222698781).jpg|thumb|King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:80-G-K-14450 (26016095110).jpg|thumb|Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer. ~ Thomas B. Buell]]
[[File:King, Forrestal, Nimitz 1945.jpg|thumbnail|It was Admiral King's custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves. ~ Richard S. Edwards]]
[[File:Fleet Adm. Ernest J. King, U. S. Navy, arrives at the residence of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill for a... - NARA - 198962.tif|thumb|One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Ernest King.jpg|thumbnail|Don't fool with nitroglycerine. ~ ''Lucky Bag'']]
[[File:Admiral William F. Halsey.jpg|thumb|I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions. ~ [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.|William F. Halsey, Jr.]]]]
[[File:Fleet Admiral Leahy.tif|thumb|He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret. ~ [[William D. Leahy]]]]
[[File:Untitled Art.IWMPST15704.jpg|thumb|Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory. ~ [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]]]
[[File:Atlantic Charter FDR-Churchill.jpg|thumb|So what, old top? ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Combined Chiefs of Staff Conference Malta.jpg|thumb|Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington. ~ C.L. Sulzberger]]
[[File:USS Terry (DD-25).jpg|thumbnail|King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love. ~ Walter Muir Whitehill]]
[[File:Douglas SBD-3 Dauntless of VMSB-241 in flight over Midway c1942.jpg|thumb|You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer. ~ Edward Frederick Lindley Wood]]
[[File:Kingfull.jpg|thumb|King's grave at the United States Naval Academy Cemetery]]
[[File:USS King (DDG-41) underway in 1983.jpg|thumb|USS ''King'' (DDG-41) underway in 1983]]

* He is the most even-tempered person in the United States Navy. He is always in a rage.
** Allegedly made by one of King's daughters, this remark was repeated by U.S. Navy personnel during World War II.

* FLEET ADMIRAL ERNEST JOSEPH KING, USN. Born Ohio 1878. Annapolis Class of 1901. As Lt. Comdr., assigned first command, DD ''Terry'', 1914. Awarded Navy Cross, 1916, for service as Assistant Chief of Staff to the Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Promoted to Comdr., 1917, Capt., 1922. Commanded Submarine Base, New London, 1923-1926,; USS ''Lexington'', 1930-2. Served as Chief, Bureau of Aeronautics, 1933-6. Promoted Rear Admiral, 1939. In Feb. 1941, became Commander-in-Chief, Atlantic Fleet. Appointed Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Fleet, Dec. 1941, and Chief of Naval Operations, 1942. On Dec. 20, 1944, achieved newly established highest rank, Fleet Admiral. Awarded 3 DSM's, numerous other decorations, American and foreign.
** Biographical Notes on King in ''Battle Stations! Your Navy in Action'' (1946), p. 396

* In the wake of the Pearl Harbor disaster, President Roosevelt made sweeping changes in the navy high command. When word of these changes reached the submarine force, there were cheers. The key people, it seemed, were all submariners. First, and most important, Roosevelt named Admiral Ernest Joseph King, Jr., to the post of Commander in Chief, United States Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations, replacing Admiral Stark. King had commanded the Submarine Base at New London and a division of S-boats and had played a key role in salvaging two sunken submarines in the 1920s, the ''S-51'' and the ''S-4''. Although King had never commanded a submarine, he wore the dolphin insignia plus his aviator's wings. Second, King appointed former submariner Chester Nimitz to replace Kimmel (and Pye) as Commander in Chief, Pacific Fleet. After his submarine service before and during World War I, Nimitz had established the Submarine Base at Pearl Harbor and then commanded a division of early fleet boats, including ''Barracuda'', ''Bass'', and ''Bonita''. King's staff in Washington was laced with submariners. For his deputy chief of staff he named Richard Edwards, then commanding Submarines Atlantic. Edwards, who would eventually become King's right arm, had commanded a squadron of fleet boats, and the Submarine Base at New London and had helped Lockwood fight for the ''Tambor'' class before the General Board in 1938. For his operations officer, King picked Francis Stuart (&quot;Frog&quot;) Low, another submariner. Later, King appointed one-time submariner Charles Maynard (&quot;Savvy&quot;) Cooke to be Assistant Chief of Staff for War Plans.
** Clay Blair, Jr., ''Silent Victory: The U.S. Submarine War Against Japan'' (1975), p. 125

*Diplomacy, tact, and forbearance were not words to be associated with Ernest King, even at a young age. When his mother once scolded him for expressing his dislike in front of the hostess, seven-year-old Ernest held his ground. &quot;It's true,&quot; he insisted, &quot;I don't like it.&quot; Absolute candor, no matter how rude or insulting, became his trademark. &quot;If I didn't agree,&quot; King later reminisced, &quot;I said so.&quot;
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King- The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 28-29

* Whereas Leahy was stern, reserved, and even dour, King was nothing short of bombastic. Throughout his career, King's personality was routinely commented upon- and frequently feared- by his contemporaries and junior officers alike. His seniors usually found it merely annoying, although many- Forrestal was clearly an exception- tended to overlook his grating manner because there was no question that this demanding and strong-willed individual was also highly intelligent and capable of delivering results. King simply had no tolerance for subordinates who failed to carry out his orders to his satisfaction. Considering King's satisfaction was a very high bar, many failed to clear it. &quot;On the job&quot; wrote historian Robert Love in his history of the chiefs of naval operations, &quot;[King] seemed always to be angry or annoyed.&quot; But some of that anger or annoyance may well have been a mask that was best breached when one stood up to him or took the initiative in doing what King likely would have done had he been in the other's shoes.
** Walter R. Borneman, ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 471

* Ironically, during four years of war, MacArthur may have owed the most to the very people he was certain were out to discredit and disparage him. While never among his fans, Franklin Roosevelt and George Marshall nonetheless consistently supported MacArthur within the framework of their global priorities, from the first efforts to resupply the Philippines to MacArthur's appointment as Allied supreme commander. Even then, where would MacArthur's Southwest Pacific Area have been had not Ernie King urged the Joint Chiefs to pour resources into the Pacific and wage a two-front war?
** Walter R. Borneman, ''MacArthur at War: World War II in the Pacific'' (2016), p. 507

* In a caravan of recon cars we serpentined through traffic that churned the Normandy roads into a trail of choking white dust. It parched our throats, watered our eyes, and chalked King's neat blues. From Omaha we turned toward Isigny, past the dry, malodorous tidal basin at Grandcamp-les-Bains where the enemy had destroyed a dozen fishing craft and damaged the tidal gates. From offshore a salvo echoed across the beach as the battleship ''Texas'' lobbed its broadsides into the Carentan flats where the enemy had withdrawn behind that city. After having so persistently badgered the Navy for capital ships in the bombardment, I was anxious that King see the effects of his big guns in the streets of Isigny. Hansen had parked two armored cars in the village square to cover our party with their guns. With General Marshall, King, Arnold, and Eisenhower bunched together in three open cars, an enemy sniper could have won immortality as a hero of the Reich.
** Omar Bradley, ''A Soldier's Story'' (1951), p. 290-291

* King on the other hand is a shrewd and somewhat swollen headed individual. His vision is mainly limited to the Pacific, and any operation calculated to distract from the force available in the Pacific does not meet with his support or approval. He does not approach the problems from a worldwide war point of view, but instead with one biased entirely in favour of the Pacific. Although he pays lip service to the fundamental policy that we must defeat Germany and then turn on Japan, he fails to apply it in any problems connected with the war.
** Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke, in a diary entry on 20 January 1943, later published in ''War Diaries, 1939-1945'' (2001), edited by Alex Danchev and Daniel Todman, p. 364

* Betty Stark, known to the more junior officers of the Joint Staff Mission as &quot;Tugboat Annie,&quot; was an easy man to get on with. Ernie King on the other hand was a difficult man to like. He had recently become Commander-in-Chief US Fleet and was effectively in charge of the day to day running of the US Navy, leaving the grand strategy to stark. This arrangement did not really work, and in March Stark moved to London as Commander-in-Chief US Naval Forces Europe, while King became both C-in-CUS and CNO. Nobody ever found King an easy man. He appeared prejudiced against all things British, but was probably better described as a ferocious Americanophile. He considered that any deployment of American forces in Europe, or, worse, North Africa was wasted as it detracted from the main theatre of the US Navy, the Pacific. His biggest dislikes were mixing US and Royal Navy ships in a combined force, or allowing US Navy ships to serve under foreign, especially British, command.
** Robin Brodhurst, ''Churchill's Anchor: Admiral of the Fleet Sir Dudley Pound'' (2000), p. 206

:It seems to me that there are three qualities specially implied in this kind of genius, three powers which raise their possessor to the small inner hierarchy of leadership. The first is difficult to set down in a few words. We may call it visualizing power or sypnotic power, but these are ugly phrases. I mean the power of seeing a battle-front as a whole. A war is a contest between the total strength of two sides, not the strength in one section, not the strength in the field alone, but the sum total of qualities and assets by which nations are strong. Now there is nothing so common as the sectional view in war. A general selects one battleground as  the crucial one, but unless he is a very wise man he may be wrong, especially true in modern war, where the total assets of a nation are pledged to a degree unknown in the past, and where the calculations as to where lies the true centre of gravity must necessarily be highly intricate. Indeed, I think they are too intricate for human calculation; to divine the key-point something more is needed than methodical reasoning...

:The second quality in the mysterious art of the great captains is easier to define. It is the power of reading the heart of the enemy. It is less easy to practise; indeed, it is one of the rarest talents in our moral catalogue. Founded upon a thousand pieces of evidence, it yet cannot be merely a deduction from evidence. In the last resort it is an intuition, an instinct. A general is confronted with another general and staff, as to whose mind he is almost wholly in the dark. He gets stray bits of intelligence on which he can build theories, but even the best intelligence of this sort is imperfect and rarely amounts to a logical proof. He knows that his rival is studying him closely, and that it is a race between them for the extra margin of superior knowledge. He is anxious, and anxiety is not a good basis for clear vision. You remember the famous compliment which Sherman paid to Grant: &quot;I'll tell you where he beats me, and where he beats the world. He don't care a damn for what the enemy does out of his sight, but it scares me like hell.&quot; The great soldier must have the power of throwing off the restless anxiety of the competitor, and judging his opponent's mind calmly and objectively, and in the last resort flinging forward his own mind in a kind of inspired guess and divining that for which in the nature of things there can be no full evidence. All surprise in war is based on such intuitions...

:The third quality I find hard to describe. Perhaps I can best state it as the power to simplify, the capacity to make a simple syllogism, which, once it is made, is in the power only of genius. '''No great step in history, whether in war or in statesmanship, seems to us otherwise than the inevitable in retrospect. The ordinary man flatters himself that he could have done it too, it seems so easy.'''
:*John Buchanan, in his essay &quot;Great Captains&quot; in ''Recreations and Diversions'', quoted to describe King by Walter Muir Whitehill in the closing words of ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 656-657.

* In a period of one month- March 1942- King had inspired and advocated the plans and strategy that would govern the entire course of the war in the Pacific.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 192.

* King's attitude was a paradox. He griped about too many people getting decorations, but he refused to establish a policy that would end the confusion. Nimitz was his voice of conscience, besieging King to approve the Purple Heart or to define different grades for the Legion of Merit. But it was futile. King did nothing. Nimitz tried to force the issue at their January 1944 meeting in San Francisco by demanding a formal board to standardize the awarding of decorations. All the services had different rules, argued Nimitz, and the Army Air Force was notably generous. If the services could not agree on a common policy, then the President should act. King stalled with a promise to study the problem. King's thinking began to change in June 1944. Just before King had left to watch the Normandy landings, Abby Dunlap had warned him that when the war was over the Army Air Force would get all the credit and the Navy would be forgotten. King thought she was too pessimistic. But when he next saw Abby and Betsy Matter following the invasion, he told Abby she had been right.
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 382

* '''King's bluntness went to extremes, because of his sense of self-righteousness and an undisciplined temper. Tact and discretion too often lost out to emotional excesses, especially in his early career. Together with his intellectual arrogance and lack of humility, King simply considered that he had more brains than anyone else in the Navy and acted accordingly.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 563.

* '''Paradoxically, King resented anyone who treated him the way he treated others, yet there is little evidence that he tried very hard to be more considerate or patient with other people. Throughout his life King would be a harsh and often intolerant judge of character, but his memoirs are mute on his own self-appraisal- other than when as an ensign he vowed to shed his softness and become a tough naval officer.'''
** Thomas B. Buell, ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 565.

* King's role in the war was indispensable. He not only oversaw the expansion of the Navy, but he was also involved in plotting military strategy, directing the antisubmarine effort (he created the Tenth Fleet, a paper organization with himself at its head, to coordinate the antisubmarine war in the Atlantic), and helping coordinate American strategy and operations with those of the Allies. King retired in late 1945, shortly after promotion to five-star rank. For several years thereafter he served as an adviser to the Secretary of the Navy and to the President.
** James F. Dunnigan &amp; Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 351

* The major problem facing the Allies in 1942 was to agree on what they would do, and when and where they would do it. No plan had yet been drawn up by Eisenhower's directorate for the employment of assault landing craft for the coming conflicts in Europe and Japan. Although he would later be overruled, a stubborn Ernie King pursued a Pacific-first strategy that favored the navy.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 299

* Eisenhower did not participate in the final discussions leading to the demise of Sledgehammer. At their conclusion Marshall summoned Eisenhower to his suite in Claridge's. When Eisenhower arrived, the chief of staff was occupied in the bathroom, and their brief discussion took place through the door. In characteristic fashion Marshall announced that Eisenhower was being given the new title of deputy Allied commander in charge of planning for Torch, and that both he and Admiral King were backing his appointment to command the entire operation. Temporarily in limbo as the commander of American forces, pending the president's approval, Eisenhower reflected on Napoleon's remarks that a general must not permit himself to be impatient or distracted in any manner that would weaken or interfere with the execution of a major plan. When the Combined Chiefs of Staff met on July 25 and the subject of a commander for Torch was raised, the blunt-spoken Ernie King declared that the choice seemed obvious: &quot;Well, you've got him right here,&quot; he pointed out. &quot;Why not put it under Eisenhower?&quot; As he would later ascertain, Eisenhower once again had reason to regret his earlier criticism of King, who had become one of his strongest supporters.
** Carlo D'Este, ''Eisenhower: A Soldier's Life'' (2002), p. 336

* '''[It was Admiral King's] custom to encourage free and uninhibited debate until he had absorbed all points of view. He would then come forward with a clear-cut scheme, usually so obviously applicable as to cause all concerned to wonder why they had not thought of it themselves.'''
** Richard S. Edwards, Deputy Chief of Staff and Aide to the Commander in Chief, United States Fleet and then Deputy Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Deputy Chief of Naval Operations during World War II. A quoted in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 654.

* I also went to see Admiral King. He was a naval officer of the frightening type, abrupt, decisive, and frequently blunt as to frighten his subordinates. In our conversation he stressed the point that the venture on which I was going to Britain would mark the first deliberate attempt by the American fighting services to set up a unified command in the field for a campaign of indefinite length. He assured me that he would do everything within his power to sustain my status of actual &quot;commander&quot; of American forces assigned to me. He said that he wanted no foolish talk about my authority depending upon &quot;co-operation and paramount interest.&quot; He insisted that there should be single responsibility and authority and he cordially invited me to communicate with him personally at any time that I thought there might be intentional or unintentional violation of this concept by the Navy.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 51

* We were scarcely well on the beaches when General Marshall, Admiral King, General Arnold, and a group from their respective staffs arrived in England. I arranged to take them into the beachhead during the day of June 12. Their presence, as they roamed around the areas with every indication of keen satisfaction, was heartening to the troops. The importance of such visits by the high command, including, at times, the highest officials of government, can scarcely be underestimated in terms of their value to the soldiers' morale. The soldier has a sense of gratification whenever he sees very high rank in his particular vicinity, possibly on the theory that the area is a safe one or the rank wouldn't be there.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], ''Crusade in Europe'' (1948), p. 254

* Admiral King, commander in chief of United States Fleet, and directly subordinate to the President, is an arbitrary, stubborn type, with not too much brains and a tendency toward bullying his juniors. But I think he wants to fight, which is vastly encouraging.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on February 23, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 49.

* '''One thing that might help win this war is to get someone to shoot King.''' He's the antithesis of cooperation, a deliberately rude person, which means he's a mental bully. He became Commander in Chief of the fleet some time ago. Today he takes over, also, Stark's job as Chief of Naval Operations. It's a good thing to get rid of the double head of the Navy, and of course Stark was just a nice old lady, but this fellow is going to cause a blow-up sooner or later, I'll bet a cookie.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 10, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 50.

* Lest I look back at this book sometime and find that I've expressed a distaste for some person, and have put down no reason for my aversion, I record this one story of Admiral King. One day this week General Arnold sent a very important note to King. Through inadvertence, the stenographer in Arnold's office addressed it, on the outside, to &quot;Rear Admiral King&quot;. Twenty-four hours later the letter came back, unopened, with an arrow pointing to the &quot;Rear,&quot; thus: [Here a long, heavy arrow has been drawn in a diagonal line underneath and pointing to the word &quot;Rear.&quot;] And that's the size of man the Navy has at its head. He ought to be a big help winning this war.
** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on March 14, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 51.

* '''King had the brains, all right, but I hated his guts.'''
** James Forrestal, 48th United States Secretary of the Navy from 1944 to 1949, told an American senator this after the war. When King heard about it, he replied, &quot;I hated his guts, too.&quot; As quoted in ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' by Johnathan W. Jordan, p. 472.

* The campaigns in the South Pacific, however, may not be regarded as simply the inevitable products of inexorable political and military logic. Events created a milieu, and others, notably President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made important contributions, but the South Pacific strategy was forged principally by one man, Admiral Ernest Joseph King. Here the strategy and command changes resulting from Pearl Harbor intersected, for the Japanese attack completed the remarkable resurrection of King's career. In 1942, King attained his sixty-fourth birthday and completed his forty-first year as a naval officer. His father was a seaman, a bridge builder, and finally a foreman in a railroad repair shop. Drawn to his father's workplace, young Ernest absorbed the complexities of gears and lathes and the simple unpretentiousness of the workmen. After graduating fourth in a class of eighty-seven from the Naval Academy, King pursued a career remarkable for its versatility, with important work in surface ships, submarines, and naval aviation. He completed all his assignments with distinction, for the brain beneath his balding pate was agile with technical matters and he possessed a prodigious memory.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 3-4

* Besides intelligence and dedication, one other pillar supported King's professional reputation: his toughness. He regarded exceptional performance of duty as the norm and evinced insensitivity or even callousness to his subordinates, upon whom he also frequently exercised his ferocious temper. But if King proved harsh with subordinates, he was no toady to superiors. Those who fell short of King's standards found he could be hostile, tactless, arrogant, and sometimes disrespectful or even insubordinate. As a junior officer this conduct earned him more than a healthy share of disciplinary action. He defined the span of his concerns beyond his career when he once commented, &quot;You ought to be very suspicious of anyone who won't take a drink or doesn't like women. King, the father of seven, was deficient in neither category.
** Richard B. Frank, ''Guadalcanal: The Definitive Account of the Landmark Battle'' (1990), p. 4

* Early in World War II, Captain George C. Dyer served on Admiral King's staff and estimated that his headquarters would require a staff of four hundred people. King blew up and said that since he got by with fourteen while a flag officer at sea, fifty would be the maximum he would tolerate on land. Dyer subsequently went to the Pacific, was severely wounded, and was sent to Bethesda Naval Hospital to recover. While Dyer was in the area, King invited him to stop by his office; and when he came in, King handed him a paper that reported current staffing at 416. It was King's way of admitting he was wrong. '''Admiral King was noted for his caustic personality, although for the most part it seems to have existed apart from his underlying character. It must have been; few sarcastic individuals rise to the top in the military profession- or stay there if they do- especially when the job includes tangling with the President on a frequent basis. Moreover, many officers who served with him for any length of time came to regard him with an affection and respect that belied his personality.'''
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 57

* King also repaired his deteriorating relationship with the press. This relationship had become so bad that journalists were circulating unfounded stories in order to force Roosevelt to relieve him. King's attorney, Cornelius H. Bull, recognized that this dismissal would not be in the country's best interests; so Bull got together with Glen Perry, the assistant chief for the ''New York Sun'', in the ''Sun'''s Washington office. Together they proposed that King meet privately with a selected group of journalists at Bull's home in Alexandria, Virginia, and level with them off the record. King agreed reluctantly, predicting that there would only be one such meeting. In this he was dead wrong. Those meetings continued for the balance of the war, by the end of which the &quot;members&quot; came almost to revere King. He in turn developed a great deal of respect and regard for them. And he kept his job.
** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. 66

* Dear Ernie, &lt;br&gt;It has been an education, and a very pleasant one, to serve under you this past winter. May I thank you for your patience of me personally and for the professional lessons you have given me- '''I should be proud to serve under you any time- anywhere, &amp; under any conditions.''' The best of luck always- may your new job be to your liking- and here's hoping for more stars afloat. &lt;br&gt;Always sincerely yours, &lt;br&gt;Bill Halsey.
** William F. Halsey, in a handwritten note from Halsey to Ernest King on 22 June 1939, as quoted by Walter R. Borneman in ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy, and King: The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 180

* Once the decision to build up the Navy was taken, strong men of clear vision quickly rose to the top of the service hierarchy. Chief among these were Adm Ernest King and VAdm Chester Nimitz, men of such consummate skill that the ennui of the prewar years had virtually no impact upon their abilities and sensibilities as commanders or as men. Others slightly less senior were pulled forward by the enormous suction created by King's and Nimitz's rise to the top.
** Eric Hammell, ''Guadalacanal: Decision at Sea: The Naval Battle of Guadalcanal November 13-15, 1942'' (1988), p. 12

* Admiral King's role in the development of strategy for defeating Japan is very difficult to evaluate in detail. Officially he approved or disapproved recommendations that came to him as Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and Chief of Naval Operations and as one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, from his own naval planners, and from the joint planners in Washington. Frequently these recommendations had already been influenced by his own views. Still many of the objectives he preferred, most notably Formosa, were bypassed, and much of the time his recommendations were only in terms of areas or island groups. He accepted without question the specific objectives deemed by the operating commands most suitable. The one who came closest to Admiral King in his basic view that the Japanese should be kept under constant pressure was not a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but the Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area, General MacArthur. Although his role was to recommend and then accept a decision from the JCS, and many of his views on strategy differed sharply from those endorsed by the JCS, his repeated efforts to get more support for his area of command and to push ahead as rapidly and with as much force as possible helped to insure that the war against Japan did not become a forgotten war and were largely responsible for the development of the advance on two axes.
** Grace Person Hayes, ''The History of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in World War II: The War Against Japan'' (1982) by Grace Person Hayes, p. 725-726

* The military leadership styles of these two naval officers are contrasting in several ways. King was an immoral, self-serving leader who was notably brutal to subordinates and abrasive with Allied military leaders and politicians alike. Nimitz, however, was a moral leader who served is country selflessly, and he was engaging and supportive of his staff as well as sister service members and Allied military leaders and politicians. Really, both men serve as dissimilar examples of naval leadership during World War II and Nimitz's style more closely aligns with the leadership style of Marshall and Eisenhower than it does with King.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 33

* The belief that King was well versed in naval surface and aerial warfare and that he was technically competent in the use of naval warfare is widely accepted by authors assessing King as a naval leader and is not in question in this monograph. What is examined in this monograph is King's leadership abilities absent his technical naval skills. This analysis will demonstrate that King was perceived as a toxic leader who was known to be petulant, overly emotional, stubborn, egotistical, and immoral. These leadership traits, more than anything else define King, and these negative traits affected how he engaged those he led, US and Allied leaders, and even his own family.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 34

* Despite his efforts to win over his subordinates, King did not mind overworking his staff. When he was a flag officer, King preferred a small staff of eleven officers who were skilled and competent. He believed that this was the most efficient way to conduct naval planning and the right way to best utilize manpower. Smaller staffs, however, mean greater work for less people, and that is true as much today as it was then. Buell notes that staffers for King worked long hours and frequently on weekends, knew what King expected of them, but always received few comments for or against a submitted plan. In short, King was a difficult leader to develop plans for. He was extremely general and vague in his initial guidance, and the staff therefore had to try and figure out what he really wanted. Buell notes that even after numerous drafts, if King did not like a plan he would rip it up in front of the officer presenting it and write it himself on the spot.
** James R. Hill, ''A Comparative Analysis of the Military Leadership Styles of Ernest J. King and Chester W. Nimitz'' (2008), p. 35

* Tough as nails and carried himself as stiffly as a poker. He was blunt and stand-offish, almost to the point of rudeness. At the start, he was intolerant and suspicious of all things British, especially the Royal Navy; but he was almost equally intolerant and suspicious of the American Army. War against Japan was the problem to which he had devoted the study of a lifetime, and he resented the idea of American resources being used for any other purpose than to destroy the Japanese. He mistrusted Churchill's powers of advocacy, and was apprehensive that he would wheedle President Roosevelt into neglecting the war in the Pacific.
** Hastings Lionel Ismay, 1st Baron Ismay, chief of staff to Winston Churchill during World War II, in his book The Memoirs of General Lord Ismay (1974), p. 253.

* Our Chiefs felt that they knew so little of what was really going on in the Pacific, of what the U.S. Navy planned to do, and of the amount of resources that these plans would absorb, that some enlightenment would be valuable. They also felt that 'Uncle Ernie' would take a less jaundiced view of the rest of the world if he had been able to shoot his line about the Pacific and get it off his chest.
** Sir Ian Jacob, secretary to the British Chiefs of Staff, in a written comment on the first day of the Casablanca Conference on 14 January 1943. As quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King'' (1980), p. 271

* While Ernie King loved history, there was one story from ancient times that may have escaped his notice. As a boy, the Greek admiral Themistocles was said to have been taken by his father to a deserted beach, where his father showed him the carcasses of old war galleys lying sun-baked, prostrate, and neglected. That, his father told him, is how a democracy treats its leaders when they no longer have use for them. King had once objected to a wartime pay raise for soldiers, sailors, and officers. When the shooting stopped, he said, a grateful nation would distribute just rewards to the men who had brought them safely through the fire. When asked if he would write a book about the war, King replied that while he would do it, the book would have only two words: &quot;We won.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 471-472.

* The admiral who shaved with a blowtorch had given no thought to life after the war. Like Patton, Grant, Sherman and other men who stare transfixed into the bonfires of Mars, King settled into the realization on the day Japan's emissaries signed the surrender documents, he had accomplished his life's work. &quot;King was a lost soul when the war was over,&quot; said one friend. &quot;He had served his purpose. He had done what he had set out to do. He had won his part of the war.&quot; There would be a massive demobilization as the Navy returned its men to civilian life. The Pearl Harbor inquiry would become public, Congress would slash the Navy's budget, and old salts like himself would be put out to pasture, to make way for younger admirals.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* With Forrestal as Navy secretary, King knew retirement would follow quickly. He had gotten along with Knox only because the Chicago newsman knew nothing about the Navy, admitted it, and stayed out of King's way. Forrestal would not. During the war, King had cursed Forrestal out in the halls of the Navy Department, and had browbeaten him into staying out of naval operations. &quot;I didn't like him, and he didn't like me,&quot; King said.
** Johnathan W. Jordan, in his book ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 472.

* King's oaken hull began to split in 1947, when he suffered a stroke. His mind remained alert, but his iron-plated timbers began to creak and sag. He moved into a suite at Bethesda Naval Hospital for full-time care, and at one point he shared a floor with the acutely depressed James Forrestal, who ended his life by jumping from the sixteenth-floor window in 1949. King spent the next seven summers at the naval hospital in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He slipped his moorings and sailed over the bar on June 25, 1956, at the age of seventy-eight. He was buried at Annapolis, home of the United States Naval Academy. The only hymn sung at his funeral was a Navy anthem, an old favorite of Roosevelt's: &quot;Eternal Father, Strong to Save.&quot;
** Johnathan W. Jordan, ''American Warlords: How Roosevelt's High Command Led America To Victory In World War II'' (2016), p. 473.

* King, sixty-three years old in 1942, was as gruff a man as Nimitz was a serene one. Hard-drinking and legendarily ill-tempered, he once confessed that he had not actually uttered the self-descriptive epithet &quot;when they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches&quot; but that he would have if he had thought of it. Yet King's choleric manner masked an incisive strategic intelligence, possessed of qualities that perfectly fitted him for senior command: the ability to anticipate, the capacity for penetrating analysis of his adversary's predicaments, an unerring grasp of the reach and limits of his own forces, and a pit bull's determination to seize the initiative and attack, attack, attack.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* King had grown up alone with his father in an Ohio household from which his chronically ailing mother had been removed. He was ever after a loner, a brusque man who fathered seven children but seemed to love only the Navy.
** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 544

* &quot;When they get in trouble they send for the sonsabitches.&quot; Asked whether he had said said this, Admiral King replied no, he had not, but he would have if he had thought of it. They were indeed in trouble when they sent for King, bringing him from the brink of retirement to be Commander in Chief, U.S. Fleet, and King would have been ready to admit that he enjoyed a reputation for toughness and ill temper that had few equals in the upper ranks of the U.S. Navy. He took charge of that navy at the depths of its despair and lifted it to the heights of triumph. He was a hard man in a hard time, well suited to lead a fighting fleet, but he was also a thoughtful man of a breadth and incisiveness that gave him an early and enduring grip on Allied strategy. Much of the war went the way he wished it to. The strongest mind within the American Joint Chiefs of Staff was the mind of Ernest J. King.
** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants and Their War'' (1987), p. 153

* Throughout the war, the four of us- Marshall, King, Arnold, and myself- worked in the closest possible harmony. In the postwar period, General Marshall and I disagreed sharply on some aspects of our foreign political policy. However, as a soldier, he was in my opinion one of the best, and his drive, courage, and imagination transformed America's citizen army into the most magnificent fighting force ever assembled. In number of men and logistical requirements, his army operations were by far the largest. This meant that more time of the Joint Chiefs were spent on his problems than on any others- and he invariably presented them with skill and clarity. King had an equally difficult task. His fleets had to hold Japan at bay while convoying millions of tons of supplies for the second front. '''He was an exceptionally able sea commander. He was also explosive and there were times when it was just as well that the deliberations of the Joint Chiefs were a well-kept secret.''' The President had a high opinion of King's ability but he was a very undiplomatic person, especially when the Admiral's low boiling point would be reached in some altercation with the British. King would have preferred to put more power into the Asiatic war earlier. He supported loyally the general strategy of beating Germany first, but this often required concessions of ships which he did not like to make. He could not spare much, since, until the last months of the war, he was working with a deficit of ships. America was fighting a two-ocean war for the first time in its history.
** [[William D. Leahy]], ''I Was There'' (1950), p. 104

* Partial to Baltimore. Won fame in Massachusetts in Spanish war. The Saturday Night Club during youngster year. Then Stein and he reformed. Noon-walks. Spoons occasionally. Hops,- Well, yes! Temper? Don't fool with nitroglycerin. Court beauty No. 2. Rooms with the &quot;Full Dinner Pail&quot;. Laugh as rosy as his cheeks.
** Description of King in ''Lucky Bag'' (1901), yearbook of the United States Naval Academy, p. 35

* Admiral King claimed the Pacific as the rightful domain of the Navy; he seemed to regard the operations there as almost his own private war; he apparently felt that the only way to remove the blot on the Navy disaster at Pearl Harbor was to have the Navy command a great victory over Japan; he was adamant in his refusal to allow any major fleet to be under other command than that of naval officers although maintaining that naval officers were competent to command ground or air forces; he resented the prominent part I had in the Pacific War; he was vehement in his personal criticism of me and encouraged Navy propaganda to that end; he had the complete support of President Roosevelt and his Chief of Staff, Admiral Leahy, and in many cases of General Arnold, the head of the Air Force.
** [[George Marshall]], in conversation with Douglas MacArthur during a visit to him following the Tehran conference in late 1943. As quoted in ''Reminiscences'' (1964) by Douglas MacArthur, p. 183

* King never forgot a grudge. Now, he's used you to get back at me.
** Charles B. McVay, Jr., as quoted by Richard F. Newcomb in ''Abandon Ship''. King had been a junior officer under the old man's command when King and other officers sneaked some women aboard a ship. Admiral McVay had a letter of reprimand placed in King's record.

* King brought great operational experience, a powerful mind, and an eccentric and unbending personality.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44

* King was a brilliant naval officer and exceptionally capable seaman. But he had a willful, mean, and brittle side to his nature that limited his effectiveness as a leader charged with bringing new people and new ideas to bear on problems of developing untraditional and unanticipated ways of waging warfare.
** Montgomery C. Meigs, ''Slide Rules and Submarines'' (1990), p. 44-46

* Roosevelt, who had been assistant secretary of the navy during World War I and maintained a proprietary interest in the service, had a hand in the choice of the sixty-three-year-old King as CINCLANT. Tough, brilliant, and short-tempered- Roosevelt said &quot;he shaved with a blow torch&quot;- King was an aviator, a submariner, and a staff officer, and the president's idea of a fighting sailor. Only a short time before, the admiral had been passed over for a top command and was headed for retirement, because, it was said, he drank too much, chased other men's wives, and had too many enemies. &quot;When they get into trouble they send for the sons-of-bitches,&quot; was his explanation for this reversal of fortune.
** Nathaniel Miller, ''War at Sea: A Naval History of World War II'' (1995), p. 190

* King was a sailor's sailor. He believed what was good for the Navy was good for the United States, and indeed the world. In that sense and that alone he was narrow. But he had a firm grasp of naval strategy and tactics, an encyclopedic knowledge of naval detail, an immense capacity for work, and complete integrity. Endowed with a superior intellect himself, he had no tolerance for fools or weaklings. He hated publicity, did not lend himself to popular buildup, and was the despair of interviewers. Unlike Admiral Stark's decisions, King's were made quickly and without much consultation; when anyone tried to argue with him beyond a certain point, a characteristic bleak look came over his countenance as a signal that his mind was made up and further discussion was useless. Although he had nothing of the courtier in his makeup, King acquired and retained the confidence and esteem of President Roosevelt. The two men were in a sense complimentary. Each had what the other lacked, and in concert with General Marshall, who shared the qualities of both, they formed a perfect winning team. The Republic has never had more efficient, intelligent and upright servants than these three men.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 103

* '''Admiral Ernest J. King was the Navy's principal architect of victory.''' A stern sailor of commanding presence, vast sea-knowledge, and keen strategic sense, he was so insistent on maintaining the independence of the Navy, not only from our great Ally but from the Army, that he seemed at times to be anti-British and anti-Army. Neither was true; but King's one mistaken idea was his steady opposition to &quot;mixed groups&quot; from different Navies in the same task force; an idea strengthened by the unfortunate experience of the ABDA command... We may, however, concede to Admiral King a few prejudices, for he was undoubtedly the best naval strategist and organizer in our history. His insistence on limited offensives to keep the Japanese off balance, his successful efforts to provide more and more escorts for convoys, his promotion of the escort carrier antisubmarine groups, his constant backing of General Marshall to produce a firm date for Operation OVERLORD from the reluctant British; his insistence on the dual approach to Japan, are but a few of the many decisions that prove his genius. King's strategy for the defeat of Japan- the Formosa and China Coast approach, rather than the Luzon-Okinawa route- was overruled; but may well, in the long run, have been better than MacArthur's, which was adopted. King was also defeated in his many attempts to interest the Royal Navy in a Southeast Asia comeback; and in this he was right. The liberation of Malaya before the war's end would have spared the British Empire a long battle with local Communists and would have provided at least a more orderly transfer of sovereignty in the Netherlands East Indies.
** Samuel Eliot Morison, ''The Two-Ocean War: A Short History of the United States Navy in the Second World War'' (1963), p. 579-580

* He was a seadog who, despite his age (he was sixty-three, two years older than Marshall) had teeth and knew how to use them. Ashamed of the Navy's errors in Hawaii, he stormed into his new office under full sail, having been appointed by the President not only as Navy Chief of Staff but also as Commander in Chief of U.S. Navy Operations. The acronym for that had previously been CINCUS, but it is indicative of King's frame of mind that he thought it sounded too much like &quot;Sink Us&quot; with its Pearl Harbor connotations, and therefore had it changed to COMINCH. By presidential decree, he became the most powerful sailor in the history of the U.S. Navy, able to make operational and policy decisions over the head of the Secretary of the Navy himself, Colonel Frank Knox.
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196

* In character, Ernie King was the direct antithesis of General George Marshall. It is true that they had in common a liking for attractive women, but while Marshall's mood lightened at the sight of a pretty face, King reached out at the approach of a seductive female rump. He was an inveterate bottom pincher, and the benchmarks of many a bright young officer's promotion in the Navy were the bruises on his wife's shapely posterior. King was very much married, with a family of six daughters and a son. His wife, Mattie, was one of those spouses who used to be referred to as &quot;long-suffering.&quot; She had known the time when her husband had been not only a dogged chaser of naval wives but a hard drinker, too, passed over for promotion on one crucial occasion for suspected alcoholism; but, typical of his strength of mind, he had taken the pledge to eschew hard liquor for the duration of the war and now sipped only an occasional sherry. He had taken no similar pledge to eschew the opposite sex, and Mattie King had learned to live with that, though she did occasionally retaliate by finding out which naval wife King happened to be visiting. She would then telephone and, refusing to speak to her husband, would simply leave the message: &quot;Tell him his wife called.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 196-197

* For all his human weaknesses, however, King was a magnificent sailor who excelled in all branches of seamanship. He had commanded a flotilla of destroyers in World War I with great skill and distinction. He was the hero of a between-wars catastrophe when a U.S. submarine- the ''S51''- went down with all hands, and he and a team of divers had successfully raised it to the surface against all expert prognostications, though too late to save the crew. He was the pioneer of that new branch of the post-World War I Navy, the Air Division Command, had learned to fly a plane and land it on the deck of one of the first American aircraft carriers, which he had successfully commanded. He shared one other quality with Marshall: patience. Like the Army Chief of Staff, he had waited years for promotion, and though his elbow-bending propensities hadn't helped him, he had held in there, enduring and waiting. As he said later, when the top job finally arrived, &quot;If one can only hold on for a little time longer, things will be eased up and in due time the trouble will iron out. That has been my own belief, not to say creed, but it works out for me.&quot;
** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 197

* From the beginning of his service as chief of naval operations and fleet commander- a fusion of responsibilities unknown in the navy's history- King proved he would fight the war his way, which meant an institutional focus on the Pacific war, a focus so intense that King himself botched the war on the German U-boats in 1942. He simply ignored this failure and pushed for more offensive action in the Pacific. He disagreed with cautious colleagues or superiors more often than not. He said no with routine abruptness to FDR, Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox, George C. Marshall, Douglas MacArthur, and the British representatives on the Combined Chiefs of Staff. He had an overriding strategic goal: to destroy the Japanese military might and to detach the U.S. Navy from the thrall of the British and MacArthur. Unlike MacArthur, King had no roots in Congress, the media, or any political party. Instead, he depended entirely o his absolute sense of purpose and strategic correctness to insist that the Allies could not defeat the Japanese along the Malay barrier at an acceptable cost in time and lives.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 337

* King's greatest political-strategic victory of the war came over the British and U.S. armies in 1943 when he won formal recognition from Roosevelt and Churchill that the war with Japan could be won only by an American naval campaign across the Central Pacific, a campaign directed by him and his principal field subordinate, Chester W. Nimitz. The first phase of the debate occurred before, during, and after two Roosevelt-Churchill conferences in early 1943: &quot;Trident&quot; in Washington, D.C., and &quot;Quadrant&quot; in Quebec. Aided by his best strategist, Admiral Cooke, King fought for his version of JCS 287, an American-drafted &quot;Strategic Plan for the Defeat of Japan.&quot; In its earliest drafts, this plan simply reflected the current reality that there were campaigns under way in Burma, China, and the South Pacific. Although army planners, dedicated to a second front in Europe, showed little interest in the war with Japan, the army still endorsed MacArthur's &quot;I Shall Return&quot; campaign. King insisted that any campaign should focus on the destruction of Japan's overseas resources, which meant an offensive direct only toward the Western Pacific sea lanes. He played on FDR's declining confidence that the British and Chinese would ever contribute much to a war of economic strangulation against Japan. When the British chiefs finally admitted that they would not release force from the Mediterranean for Asia, King pressed for the endorsement of CCS 242/6, &quot;Agreed Essentials in the Conduct of the War, which basically made the war with Japan an American responsibility. Roosevelt and Churchill approved this document on 25 May 1943.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 338

* By the end of 1943, King had largely succeeded in not only making the United States the principal arbiter of Pacific strategy but in making American strategy synonymous with navy strategy.
** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 339

* Ever since General Billy Mitchell had demonstrated twenty years before that warships could be bombed successfully from the air, the US Navy had been alive to the significance of naval aviation. In the 1920s the Navy commissioned the carriers ''Lexington'' and ''Saratoga'', the largest ships afloat until the war. Under Admiral King's leadership in the 1930s naval aviation made great strides in tactics and training. King's own career was linked with naval aviation. He had taught himself to fly when he was well over forty, and was commander of the carrier forces in the late 1930s. He was not a big battleship sailor; certainly not the man to pick up Yamamoto's challenge to a fleet duel.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 38

* Whether or not the British would in the end have baulked at Overlord remains an open question. By late 1943 a great deal of planning and force preparation had already been carried out, and they risked a serious breach with a watchful ally, growing more confident of its power month by month. But in the end the decision was taken out of their hands. At the end of November the three Allied leaders agreed to meet at Teheran. Rather than argue any more with the British, American leaders planned to outmaneuver them. The two western Allies met first at Cairo to discuss issues from the Far East and, so the British expected, the Mediterranean. Relations between the two military staffs were poorer than ever. Brooke became uncharacteristically intemperate; Admiral King, commander of the American navy, came close on one occasion to striking him. But on issues to do with Overlord and the Mediterranean the Americans remained silent, leaving the floor to their ally. When pressed they replied that the issues would be discussed when they met Stalin.
** Richard Overy, ''Why the Allies Won'' (1995), p. 142

* King had earned a reputation for brilliance and toughness, not to say harshness. He was generally reputed to be cold, aloof, and humorless. Ladislas Farago, who served under King, in his book ''The Tenth Fleet'' describes the new commander in chief: &quot;Tall, gaunt and taut, with a high dome, piercing eyes, aquiline nose, and a firm jaw, he looked somewhat like Hogarth's etching of Don Quixote but he had none of the old knight's fancy dreams. He was a supreme realist with the arrogance of genius... He was a grim taskmaster, as hard on himself as others. He rarely cracked a smile and had neither time nor disposition for ephemeral pleasantries. He inspired respect but not love, and King wanted it that way.&quot; The description is, of course, as stereotype, as Farago readily admitted. King could turn a reasonably benevolent eye upon a subordinate who produced to suit him, and in return elicit a degree of wry affection. On the other hand, he was utterly intolerant of stupidity, inefficiency, and laziness. He hated dishonesty and pretension, despised yes-men, and had no patience with indecisive Hamlet types. He could be completely ruthless. On one occasion he sent a commander to relieve a rear admiral who, in King's opinion, had failed to measure up- with orders that the admiral be out of the Navy Department building by five o'clock that afternoon.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 31

* In actual practice much of the Pacific war was devised by Admirals King and Nimitz. They were thus thrown into the closest cooperation, though most of the time they were far apart geographically. They maintained a constant dialogue in the form of radio dispatches, often several a day, letters, exchanges of representatives, and periodic meetings, usually in the Federal Building, San Francisco, King flying there from Washington and Nimitz from his headquarters in the Pacific. Though Admiral King's tone in communicating with Nimitz was occasionally acerbic, as was his nature, it is clear that the two commanders greatly respected each other. At the end of the war, King recommended Nimitz to be his successor as Chief of Naval Operations. Although their styles were in sharp contrast, King and Nimitz were more alike than different. Simplicity and directness were the keynotes of their characters. They were both dedicated to their country and to the Navy, though King's interests were more narrowly naval. Both were men of integrity and keen intelligence, and both were born strategists and organizers, with a genius for clarifying and simplifying and a jaundiced eye for the useless complications and waste emotion. Their chief difference lay in their attitudes toward their fellow human beings. King had little of Nimitz's understanding of, and empathy for, people. Said one of King's wartime associates, &quot;Every great man has his blind spot, and his was personnel.&quot; King went to great lengths to draw into his command the sort of men he wanted and to eliminate those he did not. The results were not always fortunate. Several cases of his placing the wrong man in the wrong spot for the wrong reasons could be cited.
** E.B. Potter, ''Nimitz'' (1976), p. 32

* While directing the movements of his ships in the western Pacific, Yamamoto, who fully realized the potential strength of the United States, was watching for the reaction of Nimitz and the possible approach of reinforcements. Neither King nor Nimitz could be lured into false moves by any of his strategems or taunted into premature action by newspaper critics at home.
** W.D. Puleston, ''The Influence of Sea Power in World War II'' (1947), p. 122

* '''So what, old top?'''
** Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a note written in reply to a message from King after the admiral had turned 64 on November 23, 1942, thus reaching mandatory retirement age. As quoted in ''FDR's World: War, Peace, and Legacies (2008)'' by David B. Woolner, Warren F. Kimball, and David Reynolds, p. 70.

* ['''King was] perhaps the most disliked Allied leader of World War II. Only British Field Marshal Montgomery may have had more enemies...''' King also loved parties and often drank to excess. Apparently, he reserved his charm for the wives of fellow naval officers. '''On the job, he &quot;seemed always to be angry or annoyed&quot;.'''
** John Ray Stakes, in his book ''The Invasion of Japan: Alternative to the Bomb (2000)''.

* The news was a stunning blow, and it quickly rippled all the way back to Pearl Harbor and to Admiral Ernest King, Chief of Naval Operations, in Washington, D.C. Both King and Admiral Nimitz, in particular, were concerned about the impact of the tragedy on the impending plans to bomb Japan. They feared a controversy in the midst of what could be the war's- and the Navy's- finest hour.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way: The Sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the Extraordinary Story of its Survivors'' (2001), p. 239

* The trial would begin in five days, on December 3, 1945. Admiral Nimitz and Admiral Spruance had disagreed with the inquiry's initial recommendation and suggested a letter of reprimand. However, the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral King a stern and &quot;by-the-book&quot; Navy man, pressed for the trial, and Secretary Forrestal agreed... McVay had less than a week to prepare his defense. King, eager to hurry the proceedings, had refused McVay his first choice of counsel when his preferred lawyer proved not immediately available. McVay wound up with an inexperienced lawyer.
** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way'' (2001), p. 262-263.

* Brooke got nasty, and King got good and sore. King almost climbed over the table at Brooke. God, he was mad. I wished he had socked him.
** Joseph Warren Stilwell, referring to an argument King had with British Field Marshal Alan Brooke at the Casablanca Conference in 1943, in which Brooke accused King of favoring the Pacific war. Sourced from ''George C. Marshall: Organizer of Victory 1943-1945 (1973)'' by Forrest C. Pogue, p. 305.

* Summoned to Washington to assume the post of commander in chief of the U.S. Fleet after Admiral Kimmel's relief, King was a vigorous, aggressive leader whose masterful performance as head of the Atlantic Fleet during 1941 had won him the respect and admiration of Knox and Roosevelt. An old friend and associate of Admiral Stark, he had- even before the latter's departure- assumed the leading role in shaping the Navy's approach to grand strategy. Arrogant, aloof, and suspicious, a &quot;sundowner,&quot; or strict disciplinarian, King inspired respect in many but affection in few. His admirers professed to see in him a brilliant strategist. To be sure, in sheer intellect he far overmatched his JCS colleagues, but his outlook was so strongly shaped by his intense and narrow devotion to Navy interests that he was seldom able to take a detached view of any strategic problem.
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 126-127

* Whatever his failings in interpersonal relations, King was a superb administrator and a determined foe of bureaucratization. His Fleet Staff was kept purposefully small and officers were constantly rotated in from sea duty, then rotated out again in a year or so- before they could acquire what King balefully referred to as &quot;the Washington mentality.&quot;
** Ronald H. Spector, ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War with Japan'' (1985), p. 127

* [King was] opinionated, short-tempered, highly irascible, and rude.
** Mark A. Stoler, ''George C. Marshall: Soldier-Statesman of the American Century'' (1989), p. 116-117

* Admiral Ernest J. King was the exacting, hard-driving Chief of Naval Operations.
** C.L. Sulzberger, in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 313

* '''Ernest J. King, Chief of Naval Operations, was a spare, no-nonsense officer with a strong distaste for publicity, some enemies among the Army and British brass, and one of the sharpest strategic minds in Washington.'''
** C.L. Sulzberger, in ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 335

* The admirals' academy careers are a study in contrasts. King made the best record. He was one of the lucky plebes who reached the Caribbean during the Spanish-American War, although he missed the Battle of Santiago. A star man in academic standing and a member of the junior varsity football team, the Hustlers, throughout his four years at the academy, in his first-class year he was chosen to command the battalion and graduated number four in a class of sixty-seven. His last year was dangerous, however. Put on report three times for smoking, he narrowly escaped a spell in the ''Santee'' and invited much more serious trouble by Frenching out to visit a girl in Annapolis. On one occasion a friend, learning of an unscheduled inspection at 10:00pm, loyally frenched out himself to bring King back on time. A few years later King was assigned to the Executive Department at the academy. At dinner with the midshipmen in Bancroft Hall one evening he was asked if he had ever frenched out. He admitted that he had. The next question was, &quot;Did you ever get caught?&quot; &quot;No,&quot; King replied, &quot;but I almost did.&quot; &quot;How did you manage not to?&quot; the midshipman persisted. &quot;I am afraid I cannot tell you now,&quot; King parried, &quot;but when you graduate, come out to my house and I will give you a drink and tell you how to French out and not be caught.&quot;
** Jack Sweetman, ''The United States Naval Academy: An Illustrated History'' (1995), 2nd Edition, edited by Thomas J. Cutler, p. 151-152

* We knew that America needed a shot in the national arm. Since December 7, 1941, our national heritage had yielded to a prideless humiliation. Half of our fleet still sat on the bottom of Pearl Harbor. The Philippines were gone, Guam and Wake had fallen, the Japanese were approaching Australia. What Admiral King saw, and what he jammed down the throats of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was that just possibly the mighty Japanese had overextended. He saw that just possibly a strike by us could halt their eastward parade. The only weapon he held, the only weapon America held, was a woefully understrength fleet and one woefully ill-equipped and partially trained Marine division.
** Alexander Vandegrift, reflecting on the commencement of the Battle of Guadalcanal, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 18

* Ernest King was something else again. Although I had met him in prewar years, neither I nor many people ever knew him. His prewar reputation- juniors liked to say he shaved with a blowtorch- raised him to almost demigod status in the eyes of some of his subordinates. Probably because the Marine Corps boasted its unique brand of toughness I wasn't much concerned about his reputation. Upon paying my first call to him as Commandant I did think we should understand each other, so before taking my leave I said, &quot;Admiral, I want to tell you what I have always told seniors when reporting for duty. If one of your decisions is in my opinion going to affect the Marine Corps adversely, I shall feel it my duty to explain our position on the subject, no matter how disagreeable this may be. If you disagree, I expect to keep right on explaining until such time as you make a final decision. If I do not agree with that, I will try to work with it anyway. I say this, sir, because if you want a rubber stamp you can go to the nearest Kresge store and buy one for twenty-five cents.&quot; King stared at me a moment, then abruptly nodded his head- a characteristic gesture. In the event, I worked more closely with his deputy chief, Admiral Horne, his chief of staff, Admiral Edwards, and his planner, Admiral Savvy Cooke. [On a few matters] I was forced to go to him and I generally won my point.
** Alexander Vandegrift, ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift'' (1964), p. 238

* Sir John Dill was a gentle genius at covering the waterfront in Washington for King and Country and for the ever present (in person or in spirit) Winston Churchill. During the critical war days he insinuated himself into the confidence of almost every important American. He enjoyed perhaps the most preferred position of any foreigner in our nation's capital. His diplomatic skill, tact, and calm philosophical manner were all disarming. I was always mindful of the fact that his first loyalty was to England. Although I admired and respected him, I tried never to forget for a moment that day and night his efforts were concentrated on furthering British interests. When British interests contravened American, I simply resisted Dill's maneuvers. Unfortunately there was no one in a high American position who seemed as alert to American interests as Dill was to British, except possibly Admiral King.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 165

* In my judgment King was the strongest man on the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. He had a keen, analytical mind. He was incisive and direct in his approach to the solution of a problem. He did not understand and could not engage in small talk. Perhaps he took himself too seriously, for he seemed outwardly to be devoid of a sense of humor. Years of military training had left their stamp- a rigidly self-disciplined man who did not ask anyone to conform to a strict code unless he himself within his own conscience knew that he was capable of performing in a similar manner. He never engaged in a sarcasm and was completely selfless. If he had been a smoothie or a person given to double talk, he might have easily assuaged the hurt feelings of the British when he took a definite position against their efforts to commit practically everything to the Mediterranean.
** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 184

* To Admiral of the Fleet Ernest J. King, an Undistinguished Service Stripe and Promotion to Grand Old Salt of the Alexandria Reserves: For conspicuous bravery and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty in performance of which he brilliantly rejected his best professional advice and daringly ignored his own natural instincts, and alone and single-handedly, at a moment when adverse winds of publicity were threatening to sink the whole fleet, exposed himself to a frontal assault by the picked shock troops of the journalistic enemy led by some of the most reprehensible and blood-thirsty Washington correspondents, and from that moment on, never retiring to cover from their incessant salvos of cross-fire, stormed the enemy in its own defenses and in the decisive and little-known Battle of Virginia conquered and captivated them completely.
** Tongue-in-cheek award presented by a group of 26 members of the press in Washington, D.C. during World War II, the &quot;Surviving Veterans of the Battle of Virginia&quot;, at a dinner held by these correspondents in King's honor in October 1945. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 652.

* Although reputed to be a real &quot;hard-nose&quot;, '''King could never feel that a ship was merely an inanimate assembly of pieces of wood and metal; to him it was a living thing with a soul that one could love.'''
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, p. 233.

* Then, as the troops again presented arms, the firing squad fired three volleys, and as the bugler sounded &quot;Taps&quot;, the last of the seventeen-gun salute boomed out from across the river. The bodybearers folded the flag, gave it to King's son, and after a few minutes of quiet conversation, the mourners scattered. Nothing could have been at once more simpler and more magnificent, or more appropriate to the man. But to most of the midshipmen at the grave, King- and indeed Nimitz, Halsey, and Hewitt, who were among his pallbearers- must have seemed as distant figures as Dewey, Farragut, or even the sailors of the earliest wars of the Republic. The Class of 1958 is two full generations removed from the Class of 1901, and to a very young man this degree of remoteness borders on that of eternity. '''So rapidly do great men cease to be people and become instead names, portraits, or statues, curiously familiar, yet personally unknown.''' The speed of this process has led me to offer this perhaps discursive tribute of affection and respect to a figure of naval history that I had the good fortune, in his last years, to know as a man, rather than as a name.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, describing King's funeral, as quoted by Thomas B. Buell in his book ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'', p. 512.

* In all my conversations with Admiral King I have been forcibly struck by the essential simplicity of his mind and his manner, by his concentration on broad general principles, and by his complete lack of interest in the smaller details of problems or personalities.
** Walter Muir Whitehill, in ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 654.

* At meetings of the Combined Chiefs of Staff, King consistently and frankly maintained the attitude that his war was against the Japanese. Nor is this surprising. The Pacific War was a maritime struggle in which the Navy was unquestionably the senior service apply the power of the other services in execution of its own strategy. King was a proud and ambitious man. In the Pacific his navy could win honour and glory on its own account, but in the Atlantic there was no enemy worthy of its steel. There it would be reduced to the menial role of escorting convoys and supporting the amphibious operations of the Army, which every American sailor had been brought up to regard with antagonism and contempt.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 107-108

* Furthermore, in European waters American warships would almost certainly have to fight under the overall command of the Royal Navy, which King regarded as obsolete and incompetent. He is credited with having said, &quot;I fought under the goddam British in the First World War and if I can help it, no ship of mine will fight under 'em again.&quot; Whether or not this remark reflected his considered views, it is beyond dispute that he consistently sought to restrict the employment of U.S. naval forces in the war against Germany. Because he took this stand, and because Roosevelt had justifiable confidence in his professional judgment and efficiency, King was to exert a powerful influence on the development of Anglo-American strategy during the next three years.
** Chester Wilmot, ''The Struggle for Europe'' (1952), p. 108

* ''Neque Glauci regno nec Neptuni nec ipsis Iovis Tonantis intemerato''.
* '''You have invaded alike the realms of Glaucus, of Neptune, and of Jove the Thunderer.'''
** Edward Frederick Lindley Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax, then Chancellor of Oxford University, as he presented King with an honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law in June 1946. Sourced from ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)'' by Ernest J. King &amp; Walter Muir Whitehill, page 5.

* Franklin Roosevelt's wartime Chief of Naval Operations, the boss of the most powerful Navy in history; a classic s.o.b. and an undeniably great American, who played a major role in winning the war. Ernest King in legend was so tough that he shaved with a blowtorch, and he pretty much comes off that way in Buell's vigorous portrait.
** Herman Wouk, in a review of ''Master of Sea Power: A Biography of Fleet Admiral Ernest J. King (1980)'' by Thomas B. Buell, featured on the back of the book's dust jacket.

=== Award Citations ===
[[File:80-G-43365 (32360533453).jpg|thumb|King's honorary &quot;commission&quot; as an Admiral in the Great Navy of the State of Nebraska in September 1943.]]
[[File:US-O11 insignia.svg|thumb|With exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.]]

* The Navy Cross is presented to Ernest Joseph King, Captain, U.S. Navy, for distinguished service in the line of his profession as Assistant Chief of Staff of the Atlantic Fleet.
** Citation for King's Navy Cross medal, awarded when the medal was established in 1919 and first awarded retroactively to servicemen for actions during World War I. At the time King received the Navy Cross, it was not exclusively a high decoration for valor in combat (second only to the Medal of Honor), but also an award for distinguished service, and it was for the latter that King received it.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States, as Officer in charge of the salvaging of the U.S.S. S-51, from 16 October 1925 to 8 July 1926.
** Citation for King's first Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Gold Star in lieu of a Second Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Captain Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commanding Officer of the Salvage Force entrusted with the raising of the U.S.S. S-4, sunk as a result of a collision off Provincetown, Massachusetts, 17 December 1927. Largely through his untiring energy, efficient administration and judicious decisions this most difficult task, under extremely adverse conditions, was brought to a prompt and successful conclusion.
** Citation for King's second Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

* The President of the United States of America takes pleasure in presenting a Second Gold Star in lieu of a Third Award of the Navy Distinguished Service Medal to Fleet Admiral Ernest Joseph King, United States Navy, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished service in a position of great responsibility to the Government of the United States as Commander in Chief of the United States Fleet from 20 December 1941, and concurrently as Chief of Naval Operations from 18 March 1942 to 10 October 1945. During the above periods, Fleet Admiral King, in his dual capacity, exercised complete military control of the naval forces of the United States Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard and directed all activities of these forces in conjunction with the U.S. Army and our Allies to bring victory to the United States. As the United States Naval Member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Combined Chiefs of Staff, he coordinated the naval strength of this country with all agencies of the United States and of the Allied Nations, and '''with exceptional vision, driving energy, and uncompromising devotion to duty, he fulfilled his tremendous responsibility of command and direction of the greatest naval force the world has ever seen and the simultaneous expansion of all naval facilities in the prosecution of the war. With extraordinary foresight, sound judgment, and brilliant strategic genius, he exercised a guiding influence in the Allied strategy of victory.''' Analyzing with astute military acumen the multiple complexity of large-scale combined operations and the paramount importance of amphibious warfare, Fleet Admiral King exercised a guiding influence in the formation of all operational and logistic plans and achieved complete coordination between the U.S. Navy and all Allied military and naval forces. His outstanding qualities of leadership throughout the greatest period of crisis in the history of our country were an inspiration to the forces under his command and to all associated with him.
** Citation for King's third Navy Distinguished Service Medal.

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wikisource|Author:Ernest King}}
{{commons|Category:Ernest King}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:King, Ernest}}
[[Category:1878 births]]
[[Category:1956 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Cleveland]]
[[Category:Military leaders from the United States]]
[[Category:Aviators]]
[[Category:United States Naval Academy alumni]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>ICarly (season 5)</title>
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      <comment>/* iCan't Take It */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[iCarly (season 1)|1]] [[iCarly (season 2)|2]] [[iCarly (season 3)|3]] [[iCarly (season 4)|4]] [[iCarly (season 5)|5]] [[iCarly (season 6)|6]] | [[iCarly|Main]]
----

'''''[[w:iCarly|iCarly]]''''' is an American teen sitcom that ran on Nickelodeon. It focuses on teenager Carly Shay, who creates her own web show called &quot;iCarly&quot; with her best friends Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson.

==''iLost My Mind''==

:''[Spencer struggles to get a pair of jeans on]''
:''[Carly comes home from school]''
:'''Carly''': whats up bitch
:'''Spencer''': whuts up
:'''Carly''': Have you heard from Sam?

:'''Spencer''': No, She skipped school again?!
:'''Carly''': Yes, 3 days in a row! No one's heard from her, she won't answer her phone or-
:''[Spencer is still having difficulties getting on the jeans]''
:'''Carly''': What's happening here?!
:'''Spencer''': Me getting fat, look! I can barely get these jeans past my butt slabs!
:'''Carly''': Those are my jeans.
:'''Spencer''': Well, I, ugh... ''[Carly is looking at him with a 'what's your excuse?' face]'' Yeah I know.
:'''Carly''': I'm really worried about Sam.
:'''Spencer''': So call her mom.
:'''Carly''': I can't! She's in Tijuana having laser hair removal.
:'''Spencer''': From what part of her body?
:'''Carly''': I didn't wanna know! How are we gonna find Sam?
:'''Spencer''': Could you just talk to Freddie 'bout it?
:'''Carly''': No! I will not talk to Freddie about it until he admits to me that they kissed.
:'''Spencer''': These pants are squeezing me in ways you can't understand.
:'''Carly''': Why won't Freddie just tell me that he and Sam kissed-?
:''[Freddie walks in confused]''
:'''Spencer''': These are Carly's pants ok? Mistakes were made.
:'''Freddie''': Maybe you should take them off?
:'''Spencer''': Good call. ''[turns to Carly]'' Where's the olive oil?
:'''Carly''': In the bathroom where you left it.
:'''Spencer''': Yep. ''[makes his way to the bathroom pulling up the pants and making funny noises]''
:'''Freddie''': I'm really getting worried about Sam. I mean, it's been three days since-
:'''Carly''': Since you two kissed?
:'''Freddie''': ''[shocked]'' 
:'''Carly''': Yeah! I know! I saw it with both my eyes! [walks over to her backpack] You guys were talking and... she kissed you and you didn't stop her, why- why didn't you tell me?
:'''Freddie''': Well I- ''[interrupted by Carly]''
:'''Carly''': You should've told me! Do you like her? Is this- is this a new chapter in our lives? What is goin' on?
:'''Freddie''': ''[trying to change the subject]'' ...Do you have any fruit?
:'''Carly''': ''[not falling for it]'' I don't know! If we do, you can have it! You know why? 'Cause I don't keep things from you!
:'''Freddie''': I didn't tell you cause, even I don't know what it means, she, just, kissed me.
:'''Carly''': So where is she now?
:'''Freddie''': I dunno! I've called her, I've texted- ''[stops mid sentence and comes up with an idea]''
:'''Carly''': What? That's your idea face. What's your idea?! 
:'''Freddie''': Come here. ''[moves towards the computer]''
:'''Carly''': What's going on?
:'''Freddie''': You can track the location of a pear phone if you know the user's password. Do you know Sam's password? 
:'''Carly''': Yes.
:'''Freddie''': Well good, tell me.
:'''Carly''': I can't say it outloud; it's icky.
:'''Freddie''': ''[passes Carly the keyboard]'' Fine I won't look, you type it in. ''[turns away from the computer screen]''
:'''Carly''': K. ''[types in Sam's password]'' Ewww.
:'''Freddie''': ''[turns back around]'' Okay, let's find her phone. Locating, tracking, annnddd...
:'''Carly''': Where is she?!
:'''Freddie''': I have to click the items.
:'''Carly''': Well do it!
:'''Freddie''': K! Okay, she's...
:''[Both Freddie and Carly lean away from the computer screen in shock]''
:'''Carly''': Troubled Waters Mental Hospital?!
:'''Freddie''': Mental hospital?!
:''[Gibby walks in through the front door]''
:'''Gibby''': Gibbbaaayyy!
:''[Freddie and Carly turn around to face Gibby]''
:'''Gibby''': S'up people?
:'''Carly''': We're going to a mental hospital.
:'''Gibby''': Yes!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Freddie, Carly and Gibby walk into the mental hospital]''
:'''Nurse''': Hi, welcome to Troubled Waters, how may I help you?
:'''Carly''': 'Umm, we're here to see Sam Puckett?
:'''Nurse''': Oh I'm sorry, Miss Puckett isn't excepting visitors. 
:''[Caleb pokes his head out of the janitors closet]''
:'''Freddie''': Listen, we're like, really close friend's with Sam.
:'''Carly''': Could we please just talk to her for a minute?
:'''Nurse''': Just for a minute?
:'''Carly''': Promise.
:'''Nurse''': No.
:''[Caleb walks over to Gibby]'' 
:'''Caleb''': Please get me some barilium nitrate and four metric tons of ionized quadrazine.
:'''Gibby''': Sorry, I don't roll that way.
:''[Caleb walks off]''
:''[Freddie and Carly pull Gibby over to one side]''
:'''Freddie''': Distract the nurse so we can go find Sam.
:'''Carly''': Think you can do that?
:'''Gibby''': Umm.. Gibbay.
:'''Freddie''': Go.
:'''Carly''': Good.
:''[Caleb walks up behind Freddie and Carly]'' 
:'''Caleb''': You can kick me anywhere below the waist and I won't feel it.
:'''Freddie''': ''[slightly disturbed and confused]'' Why not?
:'''Caleb''': My pants, are made of neutronium cotton. You don't believe me? Kick my thighs. ''[slaps his own thigh]'' Kick 'em hard.
:'''Carly''': Um..
:'''Freddie''': We, uhh...
:'''Carly''': We don't, want to.
:'''Caleb''': Liar!
:''[Caleb walks off and Freddie and Carly are left very confused]''
:'''Gibby'''; Gibbbaaayyyy!! ''[Gibby jumps over the front desk]''
:''[Freddie and Carly take a step back in shock]''
:'''Nurse''': Oh my goodness, are you alrig- Argghhhh!!
:'''Freddie''': Okay, I'll go this way.
:'''Carly''': No no, you got that way.
:''[Carly and Freddie push each other in speed and panic]''
:'''Freddie''': Oh fine, just, go go go!
:'''Carly''': Go!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Carly''': Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this-
:''[Sam looks up from her painting]''
:'''Carly''': Sam!
:'''Sam''': Hello Carly. What do you want.
:'''Carly''': To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?
:'''Sam''': Finger painting. [shows Carly her painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised] What do you think?
:'''Carly''': It's a beautiful finger. 
:'''Sam''': Thanks.
:'''Carly''': Now who put you in here?!
:'''Sam''': ''[sighs and puts her painting out of the way]'' I put myself in here.
:'''Carly''': What?! Why?!
:'''Sam''': Because my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! ''[mutters and moves closer to Carly]'' Do you know?
:'''Carly''': What? That you kissed Freddie?
:'''Sam''': Urgh! ''[steps back and puts her hand over her ears]'' Shut up!
:'''Carly''': I think it's awesome! I think it's great!
:'''Sam''': Noooo, no no no no no no no no no... ''[carries on shouting 'no' whilst Carly is speaking]''
:'''Carly''': There's nothing wrong with it.. Sam, stop it! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sam''': Accept it Carls, I've lost my mind.
:'''Carly''': What? You think just cause you like Freddie-
:'''Sam''': Urghh, don't say it outloud! ''[throws herself on her bed]''
:'''Carly''': It's alright to say it outloud.
:'''Sam''': ''[put her pillow over her head]'' No it's not!
:'''Carly''': Sam loves Freddie!! 
:'''Sam''': Carly!
:'''Carly''': Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! 
:'''Sam''': Quit it.. Carly!
:'''Carly''': Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves-! ''[Sam catches her and covers her mouth]''
:''[Freddie walks in a little confused]''
:'''Freddie''': There you guys are.
:'''Sam''': You get out!
:''[Carly tries to get free]''
:'''Sam''': Licking my hand won't make me let go.
:'''Freddie''': Sam c'mon, just... ''[Freddie helps Carly free]''
:'''Carly''': Ewww! Why's your hand taste like peanuts and mud?
:'''Sam''': Cause yesterday I was outside playing in the mud eating peanuts.
:'''Carly''': I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, and you too, talk.
:''[Carly leaves and Sam and Freddie just stand still not knowing what to say]''
:'''Carly''': I don't hear talking!
:'''Sam''': Why'd you come here?
:'''Freddie''': To find out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.
:'''Sam''': You wanna know why?
:'''Freddie''': Kinda!
:'''Sam''': Because I hate you.
:'''Freddie''': Then why'd you kiss me?
:'''Sam''': Because I-! ...I like you.
:'''Freddie''': So you hate me, and you like me?
:'''Sam''': Now you see why I need to be in here?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Security Guard''': What's going on?!
:'''Nurse''': That patient's trying to escape.
:'''Sam''': Urgh, I'm not trying to escape!
:'''Carly''': She checked herself in here!
:'''Sam''': And now I'm checking myself out. Now go get my bag or no tip.
:'''Security Guard''': You're under 18 years of age. You can't leave here without permission from a parent.
:'''Sam''': Dude! My mom's in Teowana having laser hair removal! 
:'''Security Guard''': Where's your father?
:'''Sam''': You tell me! 
:'''Carly''': Look sir, you gotta let her leave, we're doing iCarly tomorrow night.
:'''Security Guard''': i What?
:'''Freddie''': It's a popular web show.
:'''Security Guard''': Can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.
:'''Sam''': It's not for old people.
:'''Security Guard''': Look! She stays, ''[drags Sam over to some doctors who try and take her back to her room]'' you people, leave. 
:''[Freddie and Carly get dragged out by security guards]''
:'''Freddie''': Are you kidding me?!
:'''Carly''': Hey paws off! I'm the future vice president of the United States!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sam''': Heydeo!
:'''Carly''': People call me Carly!
:'''Sam''': ''[in a really deep and low voice]'' People call me smooth and refreshing.
:'''Carly''': And this be..
:'''Carly and Sam''': iCarly!!
:'''Sam''': Now crank that whistle!
:''[Patients woop and cheer]''
:'''Carly''': Hey Sam!
:'''Sam''': Uh, yeeesss!
:'''Carly''': This isn't the iCarly studio! ''[pretending to be surprised]''
:'''Sam''': Well it sure isn't Carls, because tonight..
:'''Carly''': We come to you live from Troubled Waters..
:'''Carly and Sam''': Mental Institution! 
:'''Caleb''': ''[while the gang is doing iCarly]'' Warning! In the year 2029, aliens capture Ryan Seacrest!
:'''Sam''': Now tonight on iCarly, Gibby's gonna sit in some sushi, and he will try to identify what kind of fish it is.
:'''Gibby''': Fingers crossed for salmon.
:'''Carly''': Um, actually we're gonna do something else first.
:'''Gibby''': K, then I'm going back to the men's room. ''[walks off undoing his belt]''
:'''Sam''': Um, what do you mean we are doing something else first?
:'''Carly''': Okay! So you people wanna see Sam and Freddie get together?
:'''Freddie''': Carly, I don't think that it'd be-
:'''Carly''': Sshhhh! 
:''[Freddie stops talking]''
:'''Carly''': Now Sam thinks it's insane for her to like Freddie.
:'''Sam''': Cause it is.
:'''Carly''': But we wanna hear from you.
:'''Caleb''': Four years from now, Viginia, and West Viginia, will merge, to form one huge Viginia!
:'''Carly''': Settle down Viginia. Now we wanna hear from you, the fans of iCarly. So if you think Sam's insane for likin Freddie, or not, just video chat us right now here at iCarly.com!
:'''Sam''': Dude-
:'''Carly''': Here's... Wavy Becca.
:'''Wavy Becca''': Hey iCarly!
:'''Carly''': Hi!
:'''Sam and Freddie''': Hey.
:'''Wavy Becca''': I think Sam and Freddie would make an awesome couple.
:'''Carly''': So to clarify, you don't think Sam's insane for liking Freddie?
:'''Wavy Becca''': No way! Freddie's hot.
:'''Carly''': Yeah, let's not get carried away. Okay next up, we have.. Goopy Gilbert. Hey Goopy Gilbert! What do you think about Sam and Freddie-
:'''Goopy Gilbert''': Seddie! Seddie!!
:'''Carly''': So you think Sam and Freddie should be together?
:'''Goopy Gilbert''': Seddie!!
:'''Carly''': Thankyou!!
:'''Sam''': Okay, I don't care how many iCarly fans say I'm not insane for liking Freddie. I know I'm-
:'''Freddie''': Waaiitt, wait wait wait wait. Let's take one more chat.
:'''Sam''': No I don't wanna-
:'''Freddie''': Just one more.
:'''Sam''': Urghh.
:'''Freddie''': ''[hands Carly the camera]'' Hold this.
:'''Carly''': You be nice.
:'''Freddie''': Just.. ''[Freddie turns on his pear pad and starts messing around with his laptop a little bit, then turns towards Sam and starts speaking into the pear pad]'' Hey, it's Freddie. So, uh, a lot of people have been talking about whether Sam and I should, you know, go out with each other. And it's like wondering of Sam is crazy for wanting to, but nobody asked me how I feel.
:'''Sam''': We talked about it.
:'''Freddie''': No, ''you'' talked. You told me how ''you'' feel, while you ate a quasadia.
:'''Sam''': The quasaida's here are amazing.
:'''Carly''': Sshhh!
:'''Freddie''': Anyway, yeah, it's important how Sam feels but, how I feel is important to.
:'''Sam''': Okay, Benson, we get it. You wanna humiliate me, on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead and just do it, I don't care. Get back at me for all the mean things I've s-
:'''Freddie''': ''[interrupts Sam by kissing her LIVE on iCarly]''
:'''Sam''': You mean that?
:'''Freddie''': Mmhm. So I guess we're both insane.
:'''Sam''': So now what?
:'''Goopy Gilbert''': SEDDIE!!!
:'''Goopy Gilbert's Mom''': Gilbert, dinner time!
:'''Goopy Gilbert''': SPAGHETTI!!!
:'''Carly''': And goodnight!

==''iDate Sam &amp; Freddie''==

:'''Freddie''': Ok, I wanna know,
:'''Sam''': Whatcha wanna know?
:'''Freddie''': When you first started to like me.
:'''Sam''': Okay, ''(sighs)''. Remember the time I pushed you in front of that bike messenger an he knocked you down and your head hit that fire hydrant?
:'''Freddie''': Yes,
:'''Sam''': Well afterwards, when you were laying there, moaning, blood coming out your ear,
:'''Freddie''': Yeah,
:'''Sam''': I don't know, you looked, kinda cute.
:'''Freddie''': Aww, then it was worth the hearing loss.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sam''': I can't believe you're being so cheap!
:'''Freddie''': I can't believe you're being so pushy!
:'''T-bo''': I can't believe I still don't have my 36 dollars!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sam''': ''[turns to Freddie]'' This is not how boyfriends behave!
:'''Freddie''': Uh, yes it is!
:'''Sam''': Ok, let's go ask Carly what she thinks!
:'''Freddie''': Let's do it! ''[they both get up and leave the Groovie Smoothie]''
:'''T-Bo''': Wait, Wait! What about my 36 dollars?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Carly is spray painting a plastic butt]''
:'''Spencer''': Hey Carly! I brought you some- ''[pauses and looks at what Carly is doing]'' What'ya doing?
:'''Carly''': ''[sounding tired and stressed]'' Spray painting this butt blue.
:'''Spencer''': Any reason?
:'''Carly''': It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.
:'''Spencer''': ''[sounding excited]'' A blue butt bit?!
:'''Carly''': ''[sounding annoyed]'' Yes, a blue butt bit!
:'''Spencer''': Ah! I brought you some ''corn'' juice. ''[shows Carly the glass of juice]''
:''[Carly shrugs her shoulders looking confused and still a bit annoyed and stressed]''
:'''Spencer''': See, I was just, hanging on my lawn, shacking some corn, and I thought to myself, &quot;How come no one's ever thought to juice corn?&quot; So I grab a juicer and-
:'''Carly''': ''MAYBE NOBODY HAD THOUGHT TO JUICE CORN BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE BRAINS THAT FUNCTION NORMALLY!'' ''[Throws her spray painter on the table in anger]''
:'''Spencer''': Uhh.. ''[sounding really upset]''
:'''Carly''': Oh.
:'''Spencer''': Wh- 
:'''Carly''': ''[starting to feel bad for shouting at him]'' Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! No, here, give me the cup..
:''[Spencer starts crying]''
:'''Carly''': Come here, come here.. ''[gives Spencer a hug]'' No, I know, you didn't do anything wrong! 
:''[Spencer grabs Carly's hair and uses it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose]''
:'''Carly''': I'm just.. Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like ten times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just... I'm under a lot of stress!
:'''Spencer''': Okay. ''[blows his nose on his towel]'' But if Sam and Freddie keep getting on your nerves, then, why do you keep helping them? 
:'''Carly''': Cause they're my friends, and... they're in this new relationship, and I.. I want them to be happy. ''[takes a sip of the corn juice and spits it back into the cup]'' Corn juice is awful!
:'''Spencer''': Isn't it?!
:''[Gibby comes out of the elevator and Spencer walks off]''
:'''Gibby''': Gibbaaayyy!
:'''Carly''': Hey Gibby, you wanna help me with-
:'''Gibby''': Shut up a sec!
:'''Carly''': ''[confused]''What?
:'''Gibby''': After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet, I think he's got an anxious bladder.
:'''Carly''': Why me?!
:'''Gibby''': He's your dog too!
:'''Carly''': No, he's not! I never wanted a dog!
:''[Gibby starts crying]''
:'''Carly''': I'm sorry! Come here! ''[gives Gibby a hug]'' Oh my god I'm a monster. You want some corn juice?
:'''Gibby''': Yes please.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Freddie''': ''[looks to Carly]'' Carly, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with their mouth full of lasagna?
:'''Sam''': ''[looks to Carly and scoffs]'' Is it wrong for a person to pick on every little thing I do?
:'''Carly''': ''[frustrated as she slams her fork down and, gets up]'' Yes. And yes! You both should be furious with each other! ''[walks over to their table and pushes Sam over hard]'' ''Furious!''
:'''Freddie''': Well, I wouldn't say I'm furious.
:'''Carly''': Well, you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch a girl go: ''[mocking Sam's table manners]'' &quot;Bleh! I'm Sam Puckett! Bleh! Wa-wa-wa.&quot;
:'''Sam''': [looks offended]
:'''Freddie''': ...Ew.
:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam]'' And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go: ''[mocking Freddie nitpicking at Sam]'' &quot;Bleh! You're using too much Parmesan! Bleh! Don't chew with your mouth open! Bleh!&quot; Seriously! Why don't you two just pick up your forks, and use them to jab each other in the eyes?! ''[slams fork down on the table]''. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': Carly? I'm coming in, I got a friend. ''[holds up a puppy]''
:'''Carly''': Awwww, a puppy?
:'''Gibby''': Yeah, isn't he cute?
:'''Carly''': Yeah, he's really cute! ''[strokes the puppy]''
:'''Gibby''': You hear that little guy? Mommy loves you!
:'''Carly''': Uh, uh, why did you call me his mommy?
:'''Gibby''': Well you know, Sam and Freddie are always hanging out together now,
:'''Carly''': Yeahh...
:'''Gibby''': And that means you and I are going to have more time, just the two of us!
:'''Carly''': Yeaahhh...
:'''Gibby''': So I figured sharing a dog would give us something to talk about!
:'''Carly''': No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to have a fight so I can settle it?
:'''Sam''': Pretty much.
:'''Freddie''': We'd really appreciate that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool. 
:'''Spencer''': Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.
:'''Carly''': What about that moon?
:'''Spencer''': Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.
:'''Carly''': Wow.
:'''Spencer''': Yeah. Had to use a bunch of big long screws, and a steel cable to stur—
:''[The moon on the ceiling fall on Spencer and Carly.]''
:'''Spencer and Carly''': ''(Groan)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Spencer''': Hi, I made a lawn!
:'''Gibby''': That ''is'' a lawn.
:'''Carly''': See, ''this'' is why I don't like to leave the house. What do we do with it? ''[pokes Spencer in the stomach]''
:'''Spencer''': Whatever we wanna do! 
:'''Gibby''': The possibilities are limitless!
:'''Spencer''': We can play on it, we can sit on it and listen to music, we can have a barbecue on it-
:'''Gibby''': We can play badminton.
:'''Spencer''': You play badminton?
:'''Gibby''': Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock! 
:'''Spencer''': Sweet! ''[high fives Gibby]'' Oh! And at night, we can just lay on the grass and, stare up at the stars.
:'''Gibby''': Yeeeaaahhhh. 
:''[Spencer and Gibby look up]''
:'''Carly''': Okay. ''[walks over to the kitchen]''
:'''Gibby''': Man, wait 'till Sam and Freddie see this. I bet they love lawns.
:'''Spencer''': Where are they?
:'''Gibby''': Probably making out.
:'''Spencer''': Eewwwwww!
:'''Carly''': Why ewww?
:'''Spencer''': I don't like couples that are all public with their.. ''[makes kissing noises, trying to make fun of Sam and Freddie kissing]''  
:'''Carly''': Oh c'mon! Sam and Freddie have spent years practically hating each other, I think it's kinda nice to see them being all... ''[makes kissing noises]''
:'''Spencer''': No no, it's more like... ''[makes more kissing noises]''
:''[Carly and Spencer carry on making kissing noises making fun of Sam and Freddie]''
:'''Gibby''': Haha. Look at this lawn. This is one sweet patch. ''[starts stroking the grass]''
:'''Sencer''': You know that's Kentucky Chuck grass.
:'''Gibby''': Seriously?!
:''[Sam walks in quite angry]''
:'''Sam''': Unbelievable!
:'''Spencer''': You don't live here.
:'''Freddie''': Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!
:'''Sam''': Fine, then talk.
:'''Freddie''': Okay, look, it's not that i didn't appre-
:'''Sam''': ''(groans and walks away)''
:'''Freddie''': You walked away again!
:'''Spencer''': Look at my lawn.
:'''Carly''': What are you guys fighting about?
:'''Sam''': Nothin'.
:'''Freddie''': Mr. Fracs gave me a B on my world history paper and I was mad because I thought I deserved an A.
:'''Sam''': That's right, you told me you were mad at Fracs.
:'''Freddie''': That didn't mean I wanted revenge!
:'''Sam''': If he's gonna give you B's, why shouldn't I give him bees?
:'''Carly''': Wait, what'd you do?
:'''Sam''': I filled his car with bees.
:'''Freddie''': I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
:'''Sam''': Come on baby, you wrote a good paper.
:'''Freddie''': I know, but you can't just go around-
:'''Carly''': Alright, listen. Sam, Freddie should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital.
:'''Sam''': I guess.
:'''Carly''': And Freddie, even though it's a little ''extreme'', to violate a man with bees, you should a least appreciate that Sam did it because she cares about you.
:'''Freddie''': ''(Sighs)'' Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
:'''Sam''': ''(Puts her arms out towards him)'' Give mama some sugar.
:'''Freddie''': Okay. ''[they kiss and hug]''
:'''Carly''': Awww.
:''' Spencer and Gibby''': Awww.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''' Carly ''': ''(to Freddie)'' Freddie, it's not nice to make fun of someone's cheese habits. ''(to Sam)'' Sam, that is an insane amount of cheese. It's embarrassing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Paul''': ''[walks up next to Carly]'' I'm also a photographer.
:'''Carly''': This close to callin' the cops! ''[Guy walks away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[Grabs Sam and Freddie's plates after dramatically walking away]'' I deserve this lasagna. ''[Glares and walks away again]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves? You know, like, just the two of you?
:'''Sam''': Nah, everytime we're alone for an hour, we fight about something.
:'''Freddie''': So, we want you to come with us, 'cause you always come up with smarts ways for us to compromise.
:'''Sam''': And anyway, have you ever had the lasagna at Pini's?
:'''Carly''': No, is it good?
:'''Freddie''': Good? ''[walks to his cart]''
:'''Sam''': Uh, it is so good that when I die, please bury me naked in a bathtub full of Pini's lasagna!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Spencer''': AHHWHH! OH MY GOD! ''[comes into the kitchen from the back door, covered in smoke and ash]''
:'''Carly''': ...What happened to you?
:'''Spencer''': You guys... realize how flammable gasoline is? It's really flammable!

==''iCan't Take It''==
:'''Carly''': So, things are going good with you and Freddie?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, way better. Only 3 fights this week.
:'''Carly''': And you haven't hit him?
:'''Sam''': Not in the face...
:'''Carly''': ''[smiles]'' Aww, that's sweet.
:'''Freddie''': ''[knocks on Carly's bedroom door; comes in holding his blue laptop]'' So, guess a-who just finished editing iCarly's next fake movie trailer?
:'''Carly''': The same guy a-who edits all of iCarly's fake movie trailers?
:'''Freddie''': ''[smiles proudly]'' Yes... [to Sam] Hey, cuteness.
:'''Sam''': Lips please. ''[Freddie leans down, gently lifts Sam's chin with his fingers and kisses her for 3 seconds]''
:'''Carly''': ''[shocked in a good way]'' How did this happen?? You guys have a relationship, and I have a magnetic fish! ''[holds up the fishing rod she's been holding with a magnetic fish at the end]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[comes into the Shay's apartment holding a silver bar]'' Freddie!
:'''Gibby''': Wow, Freddie! Your mom's here!
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[puts the silver bar on the counter]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[looks at her; confused]'' What's that?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': 100 ounces of pure palladium.
:'''Gibby''': Wow! So a bar like that must be quite valuable!
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.
:'''Spencer''': ''[raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[holding the bar; surprised]'' Whoa, whose is this?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Yours...
:'''Freddie''': Why would you give me something worth this much money?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': So you'll do something for me in return!
:'''Gibby''': That seems fair!
:'''Freddie''': What do you want me to do?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[loudly]'' Stop dating Sam!
:'''Freddie''': [''gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked]'' How'd you know?
:'''Gibby''': Yes, how did you know?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': It doesn't matter! ''[to Freddie]'' If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Puckett to find some other boy to ruin!
:'''Freddie''': You can't bribe me to break up with Sam!
:'''Mrs. Benson''': But, Freddie!
:'''Freddie''': ''[furious]'' No chance!
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[screams and rips a piece of her shirt; takes the palladium back from Freddie and runs back into her apartment]''.
:'''Freddie''': ''[mouthing]'' Wow... ''[sits back down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[annoyed and angry]'' I'm going to kill Sam and Freddie! [to Gibby] Are you sure they haven't texted you?
:'''Gibby''': ''[to Carly]'' Look, I'm just having some juice.
:'''Carly''': ''[frustrated]'' Well, fan-bat-tastic! iCarly starts in thirty seconds, and I'm here, alone!
:'''Gibby''': I'll try not to take that the wrong way.
:'''Carly''': ''[to Gibby]'' Alright, we're starting iCarly. You and me. Get up!
:'''Gibby''': ''[excitedly]'' Really?
:'''Carly''': In 5, 4, 3, 2.. ''[as she sets up the tech stuff]'' I'm Carly! ''[looks to Gibby]''
:'''Gibby''': ''[stands there and smiles as he says nothing]''
:'''Carly''': ''[keeps glancing at Gibby to say something]''
:'''Gibby''': ''[to Carly]'' My turn?
:'''Carly''': ''[disappointed]'' And this has been iCarly. ''[turns off the web cast]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam and Freddie]'' So, last week you two made me your involuntary Couple's Counselor. Then you edited me out of &quot;Super Bra&quot; and tonight you made me do iCarly by myself.
:'''Gibby''': ''[offended as he yells to Carly]'' What am I, a mushroom?!
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Carly]'' Okay, you're making way too big a deal out of--
:'''Sam''': ''[to Freddie as she gently pats him on the arm 3 times]'' Hey, hey, hey this isn't about us missing the show...
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Sam]'' She seems pretty upset by-- [Sam nods at him] Oh, right...
:'''Sam''': Mm hmm...
:'''Carly''': ''[rolls her eyes, annoyed]'' What's right?
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Carly]'' Look, since Sam and I started going out ''[looks to Sam, then back at Carly]'', maybe you've been feeling a little--
:'''Sam''': ''[finishing his sentence]'' Jealous.
:'''Carly''': ''[looking shocked]'' Wh- wh- wh- wh? ''[scoffs]'' You two think I'm jealous of your relationship?
:'''Freddie''': Maybe.
:'''Sam''': And maybe you were the one who let his mom know that we were going out.
:'''Carly''': ''[shocked]'' I did not!
:'''Freddie''': ''[confused]'' Then who did?
:'''Carly''': ''[screams]'' Gib---what?
:'''Sam and Freddie''': ''[glaring at Gibby]''
:'''Sam''': ''[mad]'' Gibby?
:'''Gibby''': ''[sarcastic to Carly]'' Thanks, Carly! So much for secrets!
:'''Sam''': ''[runs to Gibby and throws him on the floor while screaming]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': Your son, Freddie...
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[gasps]''
:'''Gibby''': ...is dating Sam. Look at this. ''[holds up PearPad and shows Mrs. Benson a picture of Freddie with his arm around Sam's shoulder; smiling at each other]''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[screams shrilly and loudly]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': ''[to Carly]'' Tell us what you know.
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[to Carly]'' Give into your anger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Spencer''': ''[screams]'' What?! ''[his pants fall down]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[to Gibby]'' You know we're about to ruin a relationship between two of our best friends? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[feeling bothered by Gibby going to take a nap in her bed]'' Oh...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[to Freddie]'' You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your mom you and Sam are dating.
:'''Freddie''': ''[scoffs]'' Oh really, you wanna see my mom burst into flames?
:'''Carly''': Yes!
:'''Spencer''': That'd be cool.
:'''Sam''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[Off Screen knocking on the door]'' Freddie, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!
:'''Freddie''': Now what?
:'''Sam''': ''[to Freddie]'' No worries, we'll take the 'vator. [to Spencer] Tell his batty mom you haven't seen him or me.
:'''Spencer''': No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your mother.
:'''Freddie''': ''[frustrated]'' Why not?
:'''Spencer''': 'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie...and before you know it, you're a guy telling multiple lies.
:'''Sam''': ''[scoffs]'' Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here I lied for you.
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[OS annoyed knocking on the door louder]'' Fredward Benson!
:'''Sam and Freddie''': ''[look to Spencer, pleadingly]''
:'''Spencer''': Fine. I'll lie. Go.
:''[Sam and Freddie run toward the elevator door. Sam pushes the second button]''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': ''[OS annoyed knocking on the door]'' Fredward!
:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam and Freddie]'' You know, you guys could invite me to go to the movies with you. ''[as Sam and Freddie step in the elevator]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating]'' Uh, well if you wanted to--
:'''Sam''': ''[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating]'' Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.
:'''Sam and Freddie''': ''[as the elevator door shuts]'' Bye, Carly!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': Wait, I brought you a flashlight too. ''[shows Mrs. Benson pictures]''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': What's that?
:'''Gibby''': Oh, that's me in the bathroom. And that's me brushing my cat's teeth. ''[Stops and looks and Marissa's face]'' He didn't like it... 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': What am I? A mushroom?! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Freddie''': ''[looking at his PearPhone]'' Ah, dag, man! No!
:'''Sam''': ''[to Freddie]'' What's the matter, baby?
:'''Freddie''': I didn't get into that summer program I applied to.
:'''Carly''': ''[smiles]'' NERD Camp.
:'''Freddie''': It's not NERD Camp. It's &quot;New Electronics Research and Development camp!&quot;
:'''Gibby''': ''[laughs to Freddie]'' You're perfect for that!
:'''Freddie''': I know! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gibby''': Cool! There having a big sale at glitter gloss?
:'''Spencer''': Why do you get text updates from Glitter Gloss? 
:'''Gibby''': I care about women's personal needs, a'ight? 
:'''Spencer''': ''[looks at Carly, Sam and Freddie giving an offended and weirded out expression based on Gibby's reaction]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[looks at Freddie]'' Look, having Sam in your life is like owning a wild chimp...
:'''Freddie and Sam''': ''[both look confused]''
:'''Carly''': Sure, she is unpredictable; she can go berserk and chew your foot off. But if you keep her clean and well fed, she's adorable ''[puts her arm around Sam]'' and cool and tons of fun.
:'''Freddie''': I know, but--
:'''Carly''': ''[interrupts Freddie]'' She said she was sorry! And she really meant it.
:'''Gibby''': ''[walks in quietly]''
:'''Carly''': Sam loves you! ''[looks at Sam waiting for her to speak then nudges her]''
:'''Sam''': ''[shyly]'' It's kinda true.
:'''Carly''': ''[steps to the side and gestures for Sam to kiss Freddie then pushes them closer together]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[smiles lovingly at Sam]''
:'''Sam''': ''[smiles lovingly back at him]''
:'''Carly''': ''[pushes them together to kiss]''
:'''Sam and Freddie''': ''[kiss for 10 seconds]''

==''iLove You''==
:'''Chaz''': ''[threateningly, jokingly]'' You just be good to our little Sammy, or we're gonna have to stab you.
:'''Uncle Carmine''':..All over.
:'''Freddie''': ''[stares at Chaz scared]'' 
:'''Sam, Chaz, and Uncle Carmine''': ''[laugh thinking the threat's funny]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[laughs awkwardly and nervously; still scared by the threat]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jenna''': That movie is too scary for Spencer.
:'''Spencer:''' No it's not!
:'''Jenna''': That's it. Go to bed.
:'''Spencer''': But I--
:'''Jenna''': Right now!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jenna''': I'm gonna tickle you! ''[to Spencer whilst also tickling him]''
:'''Spencer''': Don't do it! ''[laughing]''
:'''Carly''': Okay, This needs to stop right now.
:'''Jenna''': Isn't it past your bed time?
:'''Carly''': You're not the babysitter of me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Freddie''':''[to Carly] ''You see this one is an exact replica of a 1952 Santa Fe Trudgemaster.
:'''Carly''':''[sarcastically] ''Wow.
:'''Freddie''': You see these 4 rivets right here? A 1952 has ''6'' rivets.
:'''Carly''': Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I'm super bored by this.
:'''Freddie''': Well, you wouldn't be so bored if you had come to my train club meeting to watch this baby in action.
:'''Carly''': Hmm, I'm pretty sure I woulda been.
:'''Sam''':''[to Carly]'' Hey Carls. ''[to Freddie]'' Hey Pretty Baby.
:'''Freddie''': Hey Lil' Samantha. ''[Sam and Freddie kiss]''
:'''Carly''': Alright, let's cool it with the public display of affection.
:'''Sam''': C'mon. We haven't kissed in two days.
:'''Freddie''': Our lips are starving! 
:'''Carly''': Why didn't you guys kiss over the weekend?
:'''Sam''': Because we didn't see each other.
:'''Carly''': You didn't go play trains with him on Saturday night?
:'''Sam''': Naah. My mom and I went out to dinner and then we did some ''shopping''. But we're gonna hang out after school right?
:'''Freddie''': Can't. I gotta go with my mom to her lady doctor. And I thought you said you had soccer practice?
:'''Sam''': Oh yeah.
:'''Carly''': You joined the soccer team?
:'''Sam''': Naah. Me and [http://fliplinestudios.wikia.com/wiki/Wendy Wendy] are just gonna use golf clubs to hit balls out towards the field.
:'''Carly''': During practice?
:'''Sam''': ''[gives her a no-duh kind of look]'' That's when the soccer girls are out in the open.
:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam and Freddie]'' Okay, so you guys aren't gonna hang out together today and you didn't see each other at all this weekend? 
:'''Sam and Freddie''': ''[shake their heads no]''
:'''Freddie''': Nope. 
:'''Sam''': Um..Nuh uh 
:'''Carly''': Isn't that kinda weird?
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Carly]'' We're just not into the same kinda things. 
:'''Sam''': ''[to Carly]'' Diff'rent stokes baby. 
:'''Carly''': But you're a couple now. 
:'''Sam''': ''[glances to Freddie]'' So? 
:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam]'' So part of dating it's you learning to like stuff he likes ''[to Freddie]'' and you learning to like stuff she likes. 
:'''Sam''': ''[confused]'' Uh. 
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Sam, pats her on the back]'' Well, I got another meeting with my Model Train Club on Wednesday night. Wanna come? 
:'''Sam''': ''[leans over to Carly]'' Should I be polite and lie? 
:'''Carly''': ''[to Sam]'' Yes. 
:'''Sam''': ''[goes back over to Freddie]'' I'd love to Baby. 
:'''Freddie''': ''[puts his arm around Sam]'' Aww, that's my little fibber. 
:'''Sam''': ''[Takes deep breath]'' A buh buh buh buh ''[gives Freddie a kiss on the cheek]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Freddie''': I love you.
:'''Sam''': I love you too.
''[Sam and Freddie kiss]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[takes phone from pocket]'' It's only 10:30.
:'''Sam''': Wanna break up at midnight?
:'''Freddie''': ''[puts phone back]'' That works.
:'''Sam''': ''[smiles]'' Okay.
''[Sam and Freddie step into elevator. Sam pushes the elevator button and they resume kissing.]''

==''iQ''==

:'''Freddie''': Just don't talk about rumps in front of my mom
:'''T-Bo''': Why? she don't like rumps?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Benson''': This might take awhile
:'''T-Bo''': Ask as many questions as you like
:'''Freddie''': Terrence doesn't mind, as long as he gets to church by 9:30
:'''T-Bo''': ''[Prays]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''T-Bo''': Someone should notify your wife that she's married to a jerk!
:'''Health Inspector''': I'm divorced.
:'''T-Bo''': Lucky her!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Spencer''': I'm at the junkyard bright 'n early this morning...
:'''Carly''': You sure you didn't wake up at noon?
:'''Spencer''': ... So I'm at the junkyard, about 2:30.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Spencer''': I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.
:'''Sam''': But ... mostly, you are?
:'''Spencer''': Well, yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': So, I have to learn about boring Russian films and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.
:'''Sam''': He speaks Chinese?
:'''Carly''': Fluently, and all I know is ''[in Mandarin Chinese]'' Wo bu zhi﻿ dao!
:'''Freddie''': What's that mean?
:'''Carly''': I don't know.
:'''Sam''': How could you not know what it means?
:'''Carly''': I do know. It means. &quot;I don't know.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Carly''': ''[taping cheat notes to various places]'' He's gonna be here any minute! You know, you could help me!
:'''Sam''': ''[polishing her big fork]'' I gotta keep my fork shiny and lubed in case a meal breaks out!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Sam impales a piece of bread with her big fork]''
:'''Carly''': Hey! Hey! Keep your giant fork out of my date-bread.
:'''Sam''': The big fork wants what the big fork wants.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kyle''': More cheat notes! And you misspelled &quot;Russia&quot;!
:'''Carly''': Well my arm doesn't have a spell check!

==''iBloop 2: Electric Bloopaloo''==
:'''Christopher''': A girl who is clearly to my right, Jennette McCurdy. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': You know you could interview me?
:'''Christopher''': About what?
:'''Jennette''': iCarly.
:'''Christopher''': I'm on Victorious.
:'''Jennette''': Yeah, yeah, awesome show.
:'''Christopher''': Yes; we were nominated for an Emmy.
:'''Jennette''': Yeah I know... so was iCarly. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': ''[holding a jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa]'' What am I supposed to do with this?
:'''Chirstopher''': Look into the X camera and say &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth.&quot;
:'''Jennette''': I.. I really don't feel comfortable doing that.
:'''Christopher''': Ryan Seacrest said it. He ate the ''whhooole'' jar.
:'''Jennette''': Ok-
:'''Christopher''': Are you saying you're better than Ryan Seacrest?
:'''Jennette''': I.. I never said I was better than-
:'''Christopher''': Look into the X camera and say it!
:'''Jennette''': Fine! ''[holds up the jar of 'Christopher Cane's Salsa']'' &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth.&quot;
:'''Christopher''': Try it with more enthusiasm.
:'''Jennette''': No, I said it, now let's just watch my bloopers ok?! 
:'''Christopher''': You're very pushy, but alright.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': ''[ham falls off her fork onto the floor]'' The smart guy from the smoothie? ''[whilst trying not to laugh]'' 
:'''Miranda''': Yeah! 
:'''Crew Member''': Cut! 
:''[Jennette and Miranda giggle and laugh]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nathan''': 5, 4, 3, 2.. ''[throws Jennette the remote whilst she's trying to get spaghetti off her fork]''
:''[Jennette drops the remote]''

:''[Jennette drops the remote again in a second take]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': Shut Up! ''[throws a tray on a cast member's foot]''
:'''Crew Member''': Hold!
:'''Jennette''': ''[to the cast member whos foot she trew the tray at]'' Are you ok? 
:'''Cast Member''': ''[whilst hopping]'' Oh yeah, almost lost a foot there.. 
:''[they all giggle]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': ''[sings]'' &quot;My moustache is dangling from my face.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The actor who plays Marty pushes Jerry in his seat under the table]''
:'''Jerry''': It's like-
:''[Jennette spits her water out all over the table and everyone begins to laugh]''
:'''Nathan''': ''[laughs so much that he falls off his stool]''
:'''Jerry''': Sorry. ''[begins to laugh]''
:'''Jennette''': ''[laughs hysterically with Jerry about what she's just done]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': Sam loves Freddie!
:'''Jennette''': Quit it! 
:'''Miranda''': Sam loves Freddie!
:'''Jennette''': Carly!
:'''Miranda''': Sam loves-
:''[Jennette rolls off the bed and falls into the picture]''
:'''Crew Member''': Hold! 
:'''Jennette''': ''[gets up]'' I'm good. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': Um... so should we talk some more about my role on iCarly?
:'''Christopher''': No. Off you go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Christopher''': Now, if you were excited about seeing a good guest tonight, you'll have to wait a bit longer, 'cause up next, is Nathan Kress. He plays... ''[turns away from the camera towards the camera crew]'' Uh, who is he?
:'''Dan''': He plays Freddie on iCarly.
:'''Christopher''': Oh, he's the boy?
:'''Dan''': Yes sir.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nathan''': Thanks, thanks Christopher. Thanks for asking me to be on your show.
:'''Christopher''': I didn't ask you. My associate producer asked you, then she was fired.
:'''Nathan''': Ah, I see.
:'''Christopher''': Apple Juice? 
:'''Nathan''': Uh, no, thanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nathan''': In here Mrs. Benson.
:'''Jerry''': ''[walks in]'' I'm not you mother! I'm her mother! ''[points at Jennette]''
:'''Nathan''': [giggling] That's right...
:'''Jerry''': Mrs Puckett!
:'''Nathan''': [still giggling] ...sorry. 
:'''Jennette''': Hey mom. [also giggling]
:'''Jerry''': Way to blow it! 
:'''Miranda''': Jees! [jumping up and down whilst giggling] 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nathan''': But he took your phone? [saying it wrong]
:'''Dan''': Let's do it again! 
:'''Nathan''': [whilst walking off with Miranda and Jennette] Why do I keep doing that? Why?! 
:'''Dan''': That's what we wanna know! [laughing]
:'''Nathan''': Gyahh! [peering around the corner] 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Christopher''': ''[to Jerry]'' Let's explain this to the audience so they can follow along. I used to date a girl named Stephanie, when she was in her prime.
:'''Jerry''': ''[Nods his head with a funny look on his face.]''
:'''Christopher''': After I was finished with her, she and Jerry started dating.
:'''Jerry''': Yeah, and she's a great girl.
:'''Christopher''': Yes, I have some used snow skis I don't want anymore, perhaps you'd like to have those too?!  
:'''Jerry''': Hey! Look- 
:'''Christopher''': Now, now, let's be friendly. Apple Juice? 
:'''Jerry''': No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jerry''': ''[to the iCarly gang]'' Hey, you guys doing &quot;The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl who thinks the co- 
:'''Jennette''': That's the one.

:''[Take two]''
:'''Jerry''': Hey, you guys doing &quot;The cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl- 
:'''Crew Member''': Cut!
:'''Jerry''': [whilst giggling] I can't even get out girl anymore. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jerry''': You got change, for a lead pipe?! ''[is about to whack on the table but then stops]'' It's a steel pipe, isn't it?
:''[Jennette and Miranda giggle]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jerry''': So, if your mom rents a room to T-Bo, then, he's got a place to stay, your mom's got some extra money coming in and everymoney bud- 
:''[Miranda, Jennette and Nathan laugh with Jerry]''
:'''Jerry''': Mon.. Moneybud? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jerry''': Come on Marty, let's go look for my money, in my dirty clothes. [giggles]

:''[Take two]''
:'''Jerry''': Come one Marty, ''[walks towards his bedroom]'' let's go look for my. ''[walks back again]'' Son of a- 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': But they ch- 
:'''Jerry''': Shut! 
:'''Jennette''': ...me. [stops and starts laughing]
:'''Jerry''': Her!... hey- ''[begins to laugh]''
:'''Jennette''': I hate you! I hate you so much! ''[whilst still laughing]''
:'''Jerry''': Sorry. ''[still laughing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jerry''': Let's really try to impress the big cheese on this take! 
:''[Jerry trips over his stool and falls over]''
:'''Jennette''': ''[sat on the couch laughing at him]''
:'''Jerry''': Urghh.
:'''Dan''': Uh, you're doing a great job Jerry!
:'''Jerry''': ''[whilst sitting down]'' I literally can't see anything in these goggles! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Christopher''': I like calling you Gibby.
:'''Noah''': Hey, whatever bakes your potato. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': I'm gonna show you some photos. 
:''[Noah's glasses fall on the floor whils he's trying to get his Pear Pad out of his jacket.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': I recommend &quot;The Boston Grove&quot; Sorry that was bad. [laughs and walks off]
:''[Miranda and Jennette also laugh as he walks off.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': Try it, draw a face on this grapefruit. ''[hands out a grapefruit with a face already drawn on it]'' 
:'''Miranda''': No!
:'''Dan''': There's already a face on that grapefruit!
:'''Noah''': Hahaha! ''[points at Miranda and carrys on laughing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': And now watch, as I whip- ''[the coins fall off of his elbow too early]'' That was the trick. [laughs]
:''[everyone begins clapping]''
:'''Nathan''': Gibby! [laughs]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': Wow! ''[Begins to walk over to Miranda]'' They're having a big sale at &quot;Bil- ''[walks back again laughing]''
:''[Miranda giggles]''
:'''Noah''': Sorry. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Noah''': ''[pauses]'' That seems fair! ''[begins giggling]'' Me, I do anything- ''[starts laughing a bit more]'' 
:'''Nathan''': ''[Turns round to Jerry.]''
:'''Noah''': Sorry. Jerry please stop. [still giggling]
:'''Nathan''': ''[turns back around and starts laughing]''
:'''Jerry''': ''[laughs hysterically in the kitchen]''
:'''Noah''': ''[to Jerry]'' I just called you out. 
:'''Jerry''': ''[shouts something to Noah from the kitchen]''
:'''Noah''': No you're not! Oh my god, you know what you're doing. ''[continues laughing]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Christopher''': What are you?
:'''BooG!e''': I'm BooG!e. 
:'''Christopher''': What?!
:'''BooG!e''': I play T-Bo on iCarly. 
:'''Christopher''': Oh. You're an actor on the show?
:'''BooG!e''': Ha, yeah my character runs the &quot;Groovy Smoothie&quot;.
:'''Christopher''': So, people would know you if they saw you? 
:'''BooG!e''': Uh huh, I get recognised a lot! 
:'''Christopher''': Salsa!
:'''BooG!e''': What is this?!
:'''Christopher''': Just hold up the jar, look into the X camera and say &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth.&quot; 
:'''BooG!e''': Alright, &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth!&quot;
:'''Christopher''': Thank you. Goodbye! 
:'''BooG!e''': But, wait, I thought we were gonna watch my bloopers? 
:'''Christopher''': Security! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Christopher''': Now please applaud with both hands for, Miranda Cosmose.
:'''Miranda''': Uh, actually my last name's Cosgrove.
:'''Christopher''': Look sweetheart, we have three minutes to do this, you really wanna waste time debating your last name.
:'''Miranda''': Uh, no! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': So, being on iCarly's relly fun.
:'''Christopher''': Oh yes. So, which fellow cast members do you hate the most?
:'''Miranda''': What?! 
:'''Christopher''': Is it Jerry? Do you hate Jerry Trainor?
:'''Miranda''': No, I love Jerry! We all get along really well. 
:'''Christopher''': Huuhhh. That's ''soooo'' interesting. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Christopher''': Hold that jar up, look into the X camera and say &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth.&quot; 
:'''Miranda''': Why, what's this for?
:'''Christopher''': Charity?
:'''Miranda''': You swear this is for charity?
:'''Christopher''': Do you want to look at your bloopers or don't you?! 
:'''Miranda''': Yeah.
:'''Christopher''': Then do as I instructed!
:'''Miranda''': Ok! 
:'''Christopher''': Cue the music. 
:''[music begins to play]''
:'''Miranda''': &quot;Christopher Cane's Salsa rocks my mouth.&quot; 
:'''Christopher''': You all heard it. Johnny Depp's ex-girlfriend says she likes my salsa. So go buy it.
:'''Miranda''': I never dated-
:'''Christopher''': Let's look at some highlarious bloopers. 
:''[Christopher Cane's Salsa video plays.]''
:'''Miranda''': These aren't my bloopers! 
:'''Christopher''': You know you were so adorable on 'Drake and Josh'. 
:'''Miranda''': Awww, thanks. 
:'''Christopher''': What happened?
:'''Miranda''': Just show my bloopers ok?! 
:'''Christopher''': My, what a temper you have! I see why Johnny Depp dumped you. Let's view Miranda's bloopers. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kevin''': Well, ah, I don't wish to overstay my welcome. Goodnight.
:'''Miranda''': My hand's stuck. ''[shows her hand being stuck to her dress and starts laughing.]''
:'''Kevin''': ''[falls onto the couch laughing]''
:'''Miranda''': Someone help me! ''[continues laughing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': I'm just, Sam and Freddie have been calling me like ''[picks up towel from Jerry's shoulder]'' ten times to-
:'''Jerry''': ahha. 
:'''Miranda''': ''[begins to laugh]'' Sorry. 
:''[both stay still looking at each other]''
:'''Miranda''': I dunno what I just did. ''[starts laughing again]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': How did this happen?! You guys have-. Sorry.
:'''Crew Member''': Cut! 
:'''Miranda''': ''[with a weird voice and hand gestures]'' Happen! I sound crazy. [starts laughing with Jennette]
:'''Nathan''': ''[taking the mic out of Miranda's blooper]'' Happen! 
:'''Miranda''': ''[Repeating it with a weird voice and hand gestures]'' Happen!
:'''Jennette''': ''[sat on the seat laughing at them both]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': Is this, a new portion in our lives?! What's going on here? 
:'''Crew Member''': Cut! 
:'''Miranda''': Portion?!
:'''Nathan''': ''[laughing at Miranda's blooper]''
:'''Miranda''': A new portion?! Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': ''[Looking up the stairs]'' But, but! ''[turns towards the camera]''
:'''Crew Member''': Cut! 
:'''Miranda''': I'm still crazy sorry! ''[begins laughing]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jennette''': How can you not know what it means?
:'''Miranda''': I do know what it means! It means, Wo bu zhi dao, which makes no sense. ''[starts laughing and throws her arm down onto her laptop]'' 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Miranda''': ''[walks out of the elevator]'' I'm back.
:'''Nathan''': Get her!! 
:''[Nathan, Jennette and Jerry all run towards her and get her down on the floor]''
:'''Nathan''': Right, go, go!! 
:''[The three of them then rush out of the front door leaving Miranda on the floor confused and laughing]''
:'''Miranda''': What are you doing? ''[still laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


==''iStill Psycho''== 
:'''Carly''': That's my brother Clams. 
:'''Sam''': Nice to meet ya there, Clams! 
:'''Spencer''': Owww! Squirrreeeelll!!! ''[sling-shots Sam in the face]'' 
:'''Sam''': D'ah! 

:'''Carly''': Sam! Sam!
:'''Sam''': Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. ''[puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]''
:'''Carly''': I don't care about the pudding cup.
:'''Freddie''': I did!
:'''Carly''': We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.
:'''Sam''': For why?
:'''Carly''': For wh-? For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!
:'''Sam''': Maybe they should let her go?
:'''Carly''': What?! Why?!
:'''Sam''': Look, I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.
:'''Freddie''': Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?
:'''Carly''': Yeah, well, I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!
:'''T-Bo''': Man, I'm so dang sick of this! 
:'''Carly''': What are you doing?
:'''T-Bo''': Putting on a suit so I can go home.
:'''Spencer''': Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.
:'''Freddie''': Yeah, he does! 
:'''T-Bo''': See!
:'''Freddie''': If my mom sees how T-Bo really is, she's never gonna let him stay in our house! ''[turns to face T-Bo who looks offended]'' No offence.
:'''T-Bo''': Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me. 
:'''Freddie''': It's not that it's... yeah it's that.
:'''T-Bo''': Haha. ''[sarcastically]'' That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't ''have'' feelings. ''[walks out of the Shay apartment]''
:'''Gibby''': Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?
:'''T-Bo''': Not really! 
:'''Gibby''': Gibbaaaayyy! 
:'''Freddie''': Hellooooo.
:'''Sam''': Gibaloni.
:'''Carly''': Where've you been?
:'''Gibby''': The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!
:'''Sam''': Please say it was a horse.
:'''Gibby''': Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! ''[gets out a fake version of his own head]''
:'''Sam''': Oh my god! 
:'''Spencer''': No!
:'''Carly''': Woah!
:'''Gibby''': It's an exact replica of my own head!
:'''Sam''': What does it do? 
:'''Gibby''': Blow minds! Look awesome!
:'''Carly''': Wasn't it expensive?
:'''Gibby''': Oh yeah!
:'''Sam''': Where'd you get the money? 
:'''Gibby''': From that diaper commercial I did.
:'''Carly''': Oh yeah.
:'''Gibby''': Are your feet in milk?
:'''Spencer''': Yep.
:'''Gibby''': ''[moves a milk carton of the coach and sits down next to Spencer]'' I love that.
:'''Carly''': Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?
:'''Gibby''': Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.
:'''Carly''': What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!
:'''Gibby''': Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. ''[lifts up his dummy head]'' That's who we are. ''[nods both his real and fake head]''
:'''Carly''': Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.
:'''Gibby''': ''[Sniffs his fake head]'' Ummm, I love that new head smell.   
----

:'''Judge Moyle''': Alright; Nora Dershlit, you may speak on your own behalf. 
:'''Nora''': Thank you judge Moyle. ''[sits down]'' The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to express how terrible I feel for.. for what I did to the iCarly's. People who I only wanted to respect me, ''[Gibby begins to get out his fake head but Sam then makes him put it away]'' to like me, and to except me as a person and a chicken lover. I'm not worthy of freedom, I deserve to rot in my cell. It's, not a joyful life but, not much worse than the life I used to have. At least now I'm surrounded by other prisoners so, in a way, I finely have friends. Oh, I'm sorry, mom and dad!  
:''[Nora's mother beging to cry]''
:'''Judge Moyle''': The victims will now have a chance to speak.
:'''Carly''': Thank you Judge. ''[turns to Nora]'' Look Nora. What you did was- ''[Nora's mother interrupts with her crying]'' Without.. without consequences- ''[Nora interrupts with a guilty noise]'' A person never learns- ''[Nora interrupts once again with a gulity noise]'' Oh, just let her go, let her go! ''[Hugs Sam and starts crying]''
:'''Sam''': Shhh, it's ok, shut up, shut up. ''[tries to comfort Carly]''
:'''Gibby''': ''[Get's his head out once again and shoves it in a lady's face]'' Wanna smell my head?

----
:'''Judge Moyle''': Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- ''[stops after noticing Gibby's fake head]'' What is that?! 
:'''Gibby''': Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?
:'''Judge Moyle''': Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. ''[clicks his pen and starts writing]'' Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents. 
:'''Nora's Parents''': Oh, thank goodness! Yes! 
:'''Judge Moyle''': Balif, remove her handcuffs. 
:''[Nora's handcuffs are removed and she kisses her mom and dad.]''
:'''Nora''': Oh, you guuyyyss! ''[rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]''
:'''iCarly gang''': Yayyy... ''[sarcastically]'' 
:'''Nora''': Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom! 
:'''Freddie''': Oh, you don't have to thanks us.
:'''Carly''': We're just happy you're a better person now.
:'''Nora''': Oh I am, I know I am!
:'''Nora's Mother''': Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home. 
:'''Nora''': Wow, really!
:'''Nora's Father''': Yes, baby. 
:'''Nora's Mother''': And, we invited all your classmates from school. 
:'''Nora''': ''[gasps]'' And they're all coming?!
:'''Nora's Father''': No.
:'''Nora's Mother''': None of them are. 
:'''Nora''': Oh, well, Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, Gibby's head, would you all, please, come?
:''[The iCarly gang begin making excuses on why they can't go.]''
:'''Nora''': Well, that's ok. I guess it will just be me, my mom and my dad.
:'''Nora's Father''': Sorry, I can't make it, baby.
:'''Nora''': Why not?
:'''Nora's Father''': I wanna go camping, alone, tonight. ''[kisses her forehead]''
:'''Nora''': Oh, I guess it will just be supper for the two of us then. ''[looks at the iCarly's really upset before heading home]''
:''[The iCarly gang look at each other feeling really bad and sorry for Nora]''
:'''Carly''': Uh, okaayy, we'll come to your Norwegian supper.   
:'''Nora''': You will?! All of you will?
:'''iCarly Gang''': Yeahhh... 
:'''Nora''': Oh, yay! Yay for days! Haha!
:'''Baliff''': Hey, uh, has anybody here seen my taser?
:'''Carly''': Sam.
:'''Freddie''': Sam. 
:'''Sam''': Oh! Is this your taser? ''[gets out the taser from her bag and gives it back]''

----
:'''Nora''': Oh, I'm home! This is where I belong, back in the bosom of my youth!
:'''Gibby''': ''[laughing with Freddie]'' Ha, Bosom.
:'''Freddie''': I know. ''[giggle with Gibby]''
:''[Maurice clucks]''
:'''Nora''': Maurice! Oh, Maurice, I missed you so much! Give me some beak! ''[kisses Maurice]''
:'''Carly''': This place brings back the memories, huh?
:'''Sam''': Yep. Hey, Nora, remember when your clown had an aneurism, or should I say, clownurism?
:'''Nora''': Yes, poor Cramps! 
:'''Nora's Mother''': Ok, kids, we don't need to talk about that terrible day! Not when we have this beautiful buffet of Norwegian foods. ''[brings everyone round the table of food, and takes of the foil from the food]''
:'''Freddie''': Yeahh, what exactly are, 'Norwegian Foods'?
:'''Nora's Mother''': Well, we have lutefisk.
:'''Sam''': Lutefisk?
:'''Nora''': It's dry cod fish soaked in lie solution for several days.
:'''Gibby''': That's nauseating.
:'''Nora''': Nauseatingly delicious!  
:'''Nora's Mother''': And then we have warm tongue with flan.
:'''Nora''': Oooo! And about desert?
:''[Nora's mother takes of the foil of the desert]''
:'''Nora''': ''[gasps]'' Beef cookies and cream! ''[gasps again]''
:''[Freddie looks disgusted whilst getting out his phone]''
:'''Sam''': Ok, ''[picks up a lutefisk]'' even I can't eat this chiz! ''[and throws it back down again disgusted]''
:'''Freddie''': Hey, there's no way we're gonna make the last train back to Seattle.
:'''Carly''': I'll just text Spencer and tell him to come pick us up. ''[gets out her phone and texts Spencer]'' &quot;Hey, pick us up from Nora's at about 9 o'clock-&quot; 
:'''Nora''': Try this monkfish liver! ''[shoves a plate of Norwegian food in Sam and Carly's faces]''
:''[Sam stands there with a disgusted look on her face]''
:'''Carly''': &quot;..Or sooner.&quot; 

----
:''[Everyone's sat down eating]''
:'''Freddie''': And, what kind of cream is this?
:'''Nora's Mother''': It's made from pig's milk.
:'''Sam''': I'm done. ''[puts her plate down.]''
:'''Freddie''': Well, that's enough of that. ''[also putting his plate down]''
:'''Gibby''': ''[still eating the cream]'' I love pig's milk. I love it right from the pig. 
:''[Doorbell rings]''
:'''Carly''': Oh, that must be Spencer.
:'''Nora''': I'll fetch him. ''[gets up and opens the front door]''
:'''Spencer''': Hi, I'm Spencer Shay. Uh, I know we just met but I drank a double big chug on the up way here and if I don't hit a bathroom in the next 30 seconds-! 
:'''Nora''': Of course! Mother, would you please show Spencer to our best toilet?
:'''Nora's Mother''': Certainly. ''[grabs Spencer and brings him inside]'' We just got a new one downstairs; it's comfort height.
:'''Spencer''': Any toilet would be fine. 
:'''Nora's Mother''': Come with me.
:''[Nora's mother takes Spencer down into the basement]''
:''[The other's begin picking up their belongings ready to leave]''
:'''Carly''': Well, Nora, thanks so much for the awesome Norwegian supper.
:'''Sam''': Yeah, I guess I've had worse dinners.
:'''Nora''': Awww, you're all so welcome.
:'''Gibby''': Love the beef cookies.
:'''Freddie''': And, congrats on getting released from prison.
:'''Nora''': ''[gives a thumbs-up]'' Thank you!
:'''Carly''': Okay, I guess this is goodbye.
:'''Nora''': Oh, no it's not.
:'''Freddie''': Yeah, we really gotta get back.
:'''Nora''': Yeah, but you're not gonna.
:''[Nora's mother locks the door to the basement and joins the others.]''
:'''Sam''': Uh, what are you talking about?
:'''Nora's Mother''': You children are going to be here for quite a while.
:'''Nora''': Yes, you will. ''[Nora and her mother both turn their heads to Carly quickly at the same time.]'' I know you will.
:'''Carly''': ''[throws down her bag and tries to open the front door]'' It's locked.
:'''Sam''': Move. ''[also tries to open the door]'' Unlock it, Nora!
:'''Nora''': No!
:'''Freddie''': ''[to Gibby]'' The windows! 
:''[Freddie and Gibby rush to the windows and try to open them]''
:'''Nora's Mother''': I don't think you'll be able to get them open either. 
:'''Sam''': I know how to get a window open.
:''[Sam walks over to a wooden chair and smashes it against a window and watched it fall to pieces.]''
:'''Nora''': All the windows have been replaced with Maxi Glass.
:'''Nora's Mother''': They're quite unbreakable.
:'''Sam''': Yeah? ''[picks up a piece of broken chair]'' Well I bet your faces aren't made out of Maxi Glass? 
:'''Carly''': Get 'em, Sam! 
:''[Sam rushes over towards Nora and her mother]''
:'''Nora''': ''[quickly]'' Wow, Carly, I thought you cared about your brother?! 
:'''Carly''': Sam, wait! ''[Sam stops still]'' What are you talking about?
:'''Nora''': My new favorite television programme. ''[walks over towards the TV]''
:'''Gibby''': &quot;Jiggin' The Fat Man&quot;?
:'''Nora''': No. &quot;Wheel of...&quot; ''[turns on TV, showing Spencer on a big wheel in the basement]''
:'''Spencer''': Carly!!!
:'''Nora''': &quot;...Spencer!&quot; 
:'''Spencer''': HELP! HELP ME!! I'M ON A WHEEL!!! 
:'''Carly''': Spencer! Where are you?! 
:'''Freddie''': He's in the basement!
:'''Nora''': That's right. 
:''[Carly and Freddie rush over to the basement door and try to open it.]''
:'''Carly''': Spencer! 
:'''Nora's Mother''': I'm afraid the door to the basement is, quite locked. 
:'''Nora''': And if Sam or, ''any'' of you try to harm me or my mother, this is what will happen. 
:''[Spencer starts spinning on the wheel]''
:'''Spencer''': What, what's happening? I'm rotating! Help! Carly! And I still have to pee! 

----
:'''Spencer''': Arrggghhhhh!! 
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to the TV]'' Spencer! Spencer!!
:'''Nora''': Oh, silly Carly, he can't hear you.
:'''Sam''': He's in the basement!
:'''Freddie''': Would you stop that wheel?!
:'''Nora''': Oh, I'd be glad to. ''[stop the wheel]''
:'''Spencer''': Arggghhhhh..... Oh, great, it's stopped spinning.. now I can puke. 
:'''Nora''': No need to watch that. ''[turns of the TV]''
:'''Gibby''': Don't turn it off, it was just getting good!
:'''Carly''': Nora... you're a nutcase! 
:'''Nora''': ''[stands up off the coach]'' The proper term is disturbed, lonely, socio-path.
:'''Sam''': Look, dude, we're the ones who got you out of jail!
:'''Nora''': True.. but first, you tainted the memory of my 16th birthday party! So now, we're going to undo the taint. Mother, please fetch our party guests! 
:'''Nora's Mother''': ''[whilst doing weird and uncool hand gestures]'' BRB!
:'''Carly''': You're the one who ruined the memory of your own birthday party!
:'''Freddie''': Everything would’ve been cool if you'd just had let us go home afterwards!
:'''Sam''': Instead of you and your stupid chicken locking us in your basement!
:'''Nora''': You will never, besmirch the name of my chicken. You apologize to Maurice right now!
:'''Sam''': Ah, sniff it Nora.
:'''Nora''': I will not, sniff it! But I will Carly's brother, the spins.
:''[Nora's starts spinning Spencer's wheel again]''
:'''Spencer''': Oh no, is turning again, what's.. happening!? 
:'''Carly''': Just apologize to the chicken!
:'''Sam''': Urghh. ''[walks over and bends down to Maurice]'' I'm sorry that be spired your name by calling you stupid. And that I've eaten thousands of your relatives. 
:''[Nora stops Spencer from spinning]''
:'''Nora''': Thank you, Sam. Now let's all where party hats, there's some right over there!
:'''Carly''': We're not wearing party hats.
:'''Nora''': Put on the hats!
:''[They all rush over and quickly put on the hats]''
:'''Gibby''': Wait a second.
:''[The other three stare at Gibby]''
:'''Gibby''': Why are you guys staring at me?
:'''Freddie''': You said, &quot;Wait a second.&quot; 
:'''Gibby''': Oh, yeah! Uh, there's 4 of us and 1 of Nora, so let's just take the remote away from her.
:'''Nora''': Ooooh, bad idea. See if any iCarly's make a sudden move, I hit this special red button, and Spencer spins at top speed until his brain turns to goo. 
:'''Carly''': Goo?!
:'''Nora''': Yes, goo! Haha! And you won't be able to stop it. 
:'''Gibby''': Huuhhhh. She's really thought this through.
:'''Nora''': Yes, prison gives you lots of time to think, and to plan, and to not shower.
:''[All stand there with disgusted faces once again]''

----
:'''T-Bo''': Alright! You want the truth?
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Yes! Right Now!
:'''T-Bo''': '''You... I...''':
:''[T-Bo walks over to kitchen countertop and takes a drink, stalling for time]'':
:'''T-Bo''': Okay, nobody calls me Terrence! I am T-Bo! T - Bo! I'm not fancy! ''[In fancy voice]'' I don't talk like this. ''[In normal voice]'' I sling smoothies, I put food on sticks, and '''I like a lot of women!'''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': You lied to me.
:'''T-Bo''': So much!
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Why?
:'''T-Bo''': So you'd rent me the room! Now this is the real me. You can either accept me as I am, or just tell me to get out.
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Get out.
:''[T-Bo stands with a shocked, disappointed face]'':

----
:'''Carly''': Ok, what are we gonna do?!
:'''Sam''': ''[starts travelling over towards her bag]'' I'll tell you what we're gonna do. As soon as those two freaks walk back in here... ''[gets out and starts swinging the butter sock]''
:'''Carly''': No, no butter sock.
:'''Sam''': C'mon, man! 
:'''Freddie''': You can't attack them as long as Spencer's on that wheel in the basement or else Nora's just gonna spin him again.
:'''Carly''': And anyway that butter sock is gross!
:'''Sam''': I change the butter once a month!
:'''Carly''': Do you really?
:'''Sam''': No. 
:'''Freddie''': Man, there is no way to get this window open.
:'''Gibby''': Hey, I know how Santa Claus would get out of here. 
:'''Carly''': Oh, the chimney! 
:'''Sam''': Right, that's the one! 
:''[the three of them rush over to the chimney.]''
:'''Gibby''': No. ''[strokes the dummy's hair]'' On a reindeer.
:'''Freddie''': ''[Annoyed]'' Gibby!
:'''Sam''': You idiot.
:'''Carly''': We thought you meant climbing up the chimney.
:'''Gibby''': That could also work.
:'''Sam''': Urgh, just stuff yourself up there and go for help!
:'''Gibby''': Kay kay.
:'''Carly''': Wa, wa, wa, wait! The Dershilts will notice he's gone!
:'''Freddie''': No. 'Cause Gibby's gonna be taking a nap ''[gets out Gibby's fake head]'' &amp;ndash;on the couch.

----
:'''Nora and Nora's Mother''': ''[they both come out of the kitchen carrying cake and singing]'' &quot;Oh, for Nora's a jolly good person, for Nora's a jolly good person... ''[Nora makes the iCarly gang join]''
:'''Everyone''': For Nora's a jolly good person!...
:'''Nora''': Now Freddie's gonna get kissed!&quot;
:'''Freddie''': What?! That's not the lyrics! I don't want- 
:''[Nora blows out her candles and grabs Freddie]''
:'''Freddie''': No! C'mon! 
:''[Nora kisses Freddie and Carly and Sam stand there looking worried and shocked]''

----
:''[Nora's still kissing Freddie whilst Sam, Carly and Nora's mother and watching and eating cake]''
:'''Nora''': ''[finally lets Freddie go]'' Yeah! ''[gives Freddie a thumbs up]''
:'''Freddie''': ''[out of breath, he turns to Sam and Carly, looking shocked and confused.]'' You guys just stood there, eating cake, while I was tampered with?! 
:'''Sam''': It's really good cake.

----
:'''Gibby''': ''[Pokes his head out the top of the chimney]'' Gibbeh! Yeah. Fresh air, baby. ''[Spits]'' Now I gotta get to the cops, and then crazy Nora's gonna find herself back in prison where she&amp;ndash; ''[Tries to get out from the top of the chimney, but is unsuccessful]'' Gibbeh! And I'm stuck.

----
:'''Nora's Father:''' This is supposed to be a party. A birthday party, that will go on forever, and ever... [Nora joins her father] 
:'''Nora and Nora's Father:''' And ever, and ever...
:''[Nora's mother walks through the door, and joins Nora and her father.]''
:'''Dershlit family:''' And ever, and ever, and ever...
:'''Carly''': Oh, my god.

----
:'''Gibby''': Hey! Hey, you kids, hey! Up here! Yeah, hi. Uh, can I get a little help?
:'''Kid''': Hey. That's the dude from iCarly.
:'''Kid''': Yeah, that's Gibby.
:'''Kid''': Gibbeh!
:'''Kid''': Hey, Gibby, take off your shirt.
:'''Gibby''': No, I do that less frequently now. Listen, I'm stuck and I can't move my arms. I need you guys to call the cops.
:'''Kid''': Let's throw balls at him.
:'''Kid''': Yeah!
:'''Gibby''': What? No! Don't throw balls at me. I'm completely vulnerable. Why would you wanna throw-? ''[Kids throw balls at him, but the balls hit the top of the chimney instead]'' Ha-ha! You missed me, you missed me, now you gotta kiss ''[A kid throws a ball at his head]'' Dagh! This is how you treat an Internet star?! ''[The kids start throwing balls at him]'' Stop it!

----
:''[when Mrs. Benson and T-Bo are about to leave for the Dershlits, T-Bo walks into the bathroom]''
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Where are you going?
:'''T-Bo''': ...To get my $7 bottle of Jamaica my hair so silky!

----
:'''Freddie''': You made a hamburger?
:'''Sam''': Your mom's got this! 

----
:'''Carly''': Will you stop spinning my brother?!
:'''Nora''': No!
:'''Carly''': Why?! I sang you Happy Birthday like you wanted!
:'''Nora''': You were pitchy!
:'''Carly''': ''[gasps]'' Well.
:''[Spencer continuous screaming from the television]''
:''[Sam picks up a vase and throws it to make it smash]''
:'''Sam''': Run, Gibby!! 
:'''Nora''': Gibby?!
:'''Nora's Mother''': He's still in the house!
:'''Nora's Father''': Check all the bedrooms.
:''[Nora, Nora's Father and Nora's Mother go off looking for Gibby]'' 
:'''Carly''': You saw Gibby?!
:'''Sam''': No, I threw a glass thing in there to buy us some time.
:'''Freddie''': Time for what?!
:'''Sam''': To figure out a way to get us out of this 'nut-hut'! ''[hits Freddie continuously whilst saying it]'' 
:'''Freddie''': Ow!
:'''Carly''': Why hasn't your freakish mother come looking for us by now?
:'''Freddie''': She thinks we're at the hotel with Spencer so why would she-? ''[Quickly remembers something and grabs the back of his head]'' The chip!
:'''Sam''': What chip?
:'''Freddie''': ''[turns to Sam]'' The one my mom had surgically installed in my head when I was a toddler. 
:''[Sam pulls an 'of course' face]''
:'''Freddie''': If it stops transmitting, it triggers an emergency signal to my mom's tracking device and tells her my location! 
:'''Sam''': Oh, cool, then make it stop transmitting! 
:'''Carly''': Yeah, where's the off switch?
:'''Freddie''': I dunno, it's in my head!
:'''Sam''': ''[Smacks Freddie on the head and screams into his ear]'' Mrs Benson, help us!! 
:'''Carly''': Shhh! Do you want the Dershilts to hear you?! 
:'''Freddie''': Smacking me on the head isn't gonna make the chip stop working! 
:'''Carly''': Then what will make it stop working?!
:'''Sam''': And trigger the emergency signal! 
:'''Freddie''': I guess it would have to be electrically shorted out somehow.
:''[all pause and think]''
:'''Sam''': Ohh!! ''[rushes over to the chair and searches quickly through her jacket]'' The shock pen!
:'''Freddie''': ''[worried]'' Oh, the shock pen? 
:'''Carly''': Is that Spencer's? 
:'''Sam''': Yeah I stole it, see? 
:'''Freddie''': Why'd you steal his shock pen?
:'''Sam''': 'Cause I like it, and I didn't have one! 
:''[Nora rushes back into the room]''
:'''Nora''': Where's, Gibby?
:'''Carly''': Just don't look in you parent's shower! 
:'''Nora''': Mother, mother! Gibby may be showering! ''[runs off to find Gibby again]''
:'''Sam''': Ok Benson, I hope this thing is powerful enough to blow that chip-
:'''Freddie''': No no no no, let Carly do it. 
:'''Sam''': Why?
:'''Freddie''': 'Cause Carly cares about me. A least she'll try to be gentle. She won't just take the thing and stick it-
:''[Carly sticks the pen in Freddie's head and he falls on the floor]'''
:'''Sam''': Here, gimme that?
:'''Carly''': What are you doing?
:'''Sam''': Just to be sure. ''[places the pen on Freddie's head once more]'' 

:'''Carly''': Okay! This is outta control! We've been here for 15 hours, and we wanna leave! 
:'''Sam''': ''[tries to open the door]'' OPEN THIS DOOR!!!!! 
:'''Nora's Mother''': NOOO!!!! 
:'''Nora's Father''': WE MAY NEVER OPEN THAT DOOR!!! 
:'''Nora''': THAT'S RIGHT! ''[Pauses]'' Because my birthday party shall go now. Forever.... 
:'''Dershlit family''': And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever.... 
:''[Suddenly, Mrs. Benson and T-Bo ram through the door on T-Bo's motercycle]'' 
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Freddie! 
:'''Freddie''': Mom! 
:'''Carly''': T-Bo?  
:'''T-Bo''': Chicken? ''[Maurice clucks]'' 
:'''Mrs. Benson''': Freddie! ''[Freddie runs over and hugs her]'' 

----
:'''Nora''': Wh... what's... What's happening...?
:'''Sam''': You wanna know what's happening, Nora? 
:'''Carly''': You and your freak parents are going to prison. Forever… (along with Sam and Freddie after what the Dershilts has said to them) 
:'''iCarly gang''': ...And ever, and ever, and ever… 
:'''Nora''': And ever? 
:'''iCarly gang''': Yes. And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever...

----
:''[Carly is sleeping in her bed when she wakes up.]''
:'''Carly''': ''[Realizes something]'' Gibby!
:''[Gibby is still stuck on top of the chimney.]''
:'''Gibby''': Hey! Anyone?! I'm still here! ''[Sobs]'' Gibbeh. ''[Kids throw balls at him]'' More balls?! ''[Starts sobbing while having more balls thrown at him by kids]'' Gibbeh.

==''iBalls''==
:'''Freddie''': That lady treated me like I'm useless! Apparently I'm just a monkey balls with a camera!
:'''Sam''': Whoa, can we get a monkey to work the camera? 

----
:'''Sam''': Hey, if you're going to Yakima for the weekend how will we do iCarly?
:'''Carly''': Oh yeah, you wanna host the show alone?
:'''Sam''': Naaah, I need somebody to banter with. 
:'''Freddie''': Uhh, how about me? I could host iCarly with Sam.
:'''Sam''': Ooorr, I could fill a bag with yogurt and put a face on it?
:'''Carly''': That is hilarious. You could call him Baggels.
:'''Sam''': Baggels! I love that!
:'''Freddie''': You'd rather do comedy with a sack of yoghurt than me?
:''[Sam and Carly pull weird faces and try and not admit the fact that he's right]''
:'''Freddie''': I can be creative! I've been working on some really funny characters and stuff.
:'''Sam''': Oh my god, no no no. 
:'''Carly''': Sam.
:'''Freddie''': I've done stuff on the show before!
:'''Sam''': Little stuff.
:'''Carly''': That ''we'' wrote.
:'''Freddie''': Just let me host the show with Sam ''one'' time.
:'''Carly''': Ok.
:'''Freddie''': Yes! ''[turns to Sam with a pleading look.]''
:'''Sam''': Whatevs.
:'''Freddie''': Yes! This is gonna be awesome! Yeah yohooo! 
:'''Carly''': Have Baggels standing by.
:'''Sam''': Yeeepp. 

----
:'''Freddie''':  I just wanted people to think I was creative.
:'''Sam''':  And I wanted a mom without stretch marks. That ain't happening. And... y'know, tech stuff can be sorta creative.
:'''Freddie''':  What do you mean?
:'''Sam''': Well... you know, weren't you working on some sort of tech-y 3-D chizz?
:'''Freddie''':  *sighs* Yeah. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot video so people could watch it online in three-D. Y'know, without special glasses.
:'''Sam''': See? That's creative!
:'''Freddie''': But I never could make it work.
:'''Sam''': Well... you know... uh....
:'''Freddie''':  I... should try again?
:'''Sam''': Yeah, sounds like the sort of advice you'd get from someone who cares.

----
:'''Mrs Benson''': I'm here!
:'''Sam''': Why?! 

----
:'''Mrs Benson''': Where are your manners?! 
:'''Sam''': In my butt. Sit down.

----
:'''Gibby''': Let's go bathe in the glory.
:'''Sam''': No one, wants to see you, bathe.
:'''Gibby''': My cat loves watching me bathe.

----
:'''Sam''': Courtney, I see you brought your camera. You want a picture with Freddie? ''[puts her arm round Freddie]''
:'''Courtney''': No. But can I get one with Baggels?
:'''Freddie''': Goodbye, Courtney.

----
:''[After Marty leaves, Spencer turns to Sam and Freddie.]''
:'''Freddie''': Come on. Let's go meet Gibby at the Smoothie.
:'''Spencer''': Okay.
:''[As Freddie takes his jacket from a sofa and Spencer takes his jacket from a jacket hanger, the elevator stops at the floor of the Shay Apartment.]''
:'''Carly''': ''[Comes out of the elevator with her suitcase]'' I'm back.
:'''Spencer''': ''[Opens the door]'' Later.
:'''Freddie''': See you.
:'''Sam''': Bye, Carls.
:''[Sam, Freddie, and Spencer leave the apartment, leaving Carly standing confused.]''

==''iMeet The First Lady''==
:'''Carly''': Okay wait, is it straight?
:'''Freddie''': Ummm, I think my side needs to be a little higher.
:'''Carly''': ''[looks at Sam]'' Sam.
:''[Sam looks at Carly with a worried look on her face]''
:'''Carly''': What are you doing with that balloon?
:'''Sam''': Taping the string to Freddie's phone.
:'''Freddie''': My.... ''[rummages around for his phone in a slight panick]'' Get your hands off my phone!
:'''Sam''': No prob. ''[lets go of the balloon]''
:'''Freddie''': Ohh noo.
:'''Carly''': Saaamm.
:'''Freddie''': You get my phone down from there right now!
:''[Sam pulls out her mini paintball gun]''
:'''Freddie''': No no wait, I want you t-
:''[Sam bursts the balloon and Freddie's phone smashes on the table]''
:'''Freddie''': Not sure the warranty covers that.
:''[Gibby walks in]''
:'''Gibby''': Gibbay! Woah, you guys getting ready for a party?
:'''Sam''': Yep.
:'''Freddie''': Carly's dad's coming home for a few days.
:'''Carly''': And it's the first time in 3 years that I getta spend his birthday with him.
:'''Gibby''': Sooo, Spencer's not your dad?
:'''Carly''': No!
:''[Sam whacks Gibby in the butt with a paintball]''
:'''Gibby''': Oww!
:'''Sam''': You deserved that.
:'''Gibby''': Great. Now when I sit I'm gonna have to put all my weight on my ''left'' buttock.
:''[Spencer runs out]''
:'''Spencer''': Okay! Okay, tell me what you guys think, huh? ''[makes funny noises whilst doing a weird jog on the spot]''
:'''Sam''': What?!
:'''Freddie''': You got a job interview?
:'''Spencer''': Ew, no, gross.
:'''Carly''': He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm. 
:'''Spencer''': ''[fake laughs]'' I gotta. You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?
:'''Carly''': He's been disappointed in you since you were 9! 
:'''Freddie''': Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?
:'''Carly''': Yes.
:'''Spencer''': It was an accident!
:'''Carly''': Accident or not, it put Mr. Creamsteam out of business!
:''[Gibby lifts up a lid of a box revealing a cake]''
:'''Gibby''': Woah ho ho, what's this?
:'''Carly''': Don't touch it.
:'''Sam''': That's her dad's birthday cake. 
:'''Carly''': Yeah, it's an exact replica of a airforce, F22, fighter jet.
:'''Spencer''': Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.
:'''Carly''': Spencer- ''[tries to grab the remote off of him]''
:'''Spencer''': Don' touch me, your dirty. ''[everyone looks round all confused]'' When we show dad the cake he say &quot;Well, why aren't the candles lit?&quot; and then Carly will say &quot;Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?&quot; and then I'll press this button, and-
:''[The cake explodes everywhere and all over everybody]''
:'''Carly''': I'll order another cake.

----
:'''Carly''': So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?
:'''Mrs. Michelle Obama''': No, not at all! 
:'''Spencer''': She watched iCarly online last week.
:'''Carly''': No way!
:'''Freddie''': Seriously?!
:'''Sam''': For real?!
:'''Michelle Obama''': Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.
:'''T-Bo''': ''[walks through Carly and Spencer's front door]'' Wait, is she-
:'''Spencer''': Close it!
:''[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]''
:''[T-Bo quickly leaves]''
:'''Sam''': So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. ''[takes a small bow]''
:'''Freddie''': You don't call her your excellency.
:'''Mrs. Obama''': No, no, I kinda like it.
:''[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]''
:'''Mrs. Obama''': I came here to say, I'm proud of you. 
:'''Carly''': Why are you proud of us? 
:'''Mrs. Obama''': ''[points at Carly]'' Because of how much you care for your father, ''[then points at Sam and Freddie]'' and because of what you two did for your friend. 
:'''Freddie''': You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?
:'''Mrs. Obama''': Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military. 
:'''Spencer''': ''[puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders]'' Her husband is the president. 
:''[Mrs. Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their towards Spencer]''
:'''Spencer''': Sorry. ''[takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]''

----
:''[Carly and Freddie meet at the lockers.]''
:'''Freddie''': Has Sam ever showed up?
:'''Carly''': No. Nobody's seen her all day.
:'''Sam''': ''[whispers to Carly and Freddie]'' Psst! Over here. 
:''[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]''
:'''Carly''': Where have you been?!
:'''Sam''': Getting stuff. ''[starts getting things out of her school bag]'' Here's a wig for you, ''[puts a wig on Carly's head]'' and a wig for you. ''[puts a wig on Freddie's head]'' Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. ''[gives them each a passport]'' 
:'''Freddie''': What's this stuff for?
:'''Sam''': We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.
:'''Carly''': Sam.
:'''Sam''': Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!
:'''Freddie''': How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!
:'''Sam''': Pfft. ''[gets out a bag of jewelery]'' I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge. 
:''[men in suits come round the corner]''
:'''Freddie''': Uhh, I think it might be too late for that.
:'''Man #1''': Miss Shay, Mr Benson, Miss Puckett. 
:'''Sam''': ''[In a deep manly voice]'' Puckett, uh, are you looking for Sam Puckett? She passed away. Funeral's Thursday bye. ''[begins to hurry off]''
:'''Man #1''': Miss Puckett. 
:''[Sam stops and turns around]''
:'''Sam''': ''[throws her back pack onto the floor]'' Alright. ''[gets on her knees with her hands behind her head]'' Put the cuffs on loose would ya? I don't like it when they did into my wrist. 
:'''Man #2''': Just come with us. ''[Pulls Sam up]''

----
:'''Freddie''': What's wrong?
:'''Spencer''': That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.
:'''Sam''': What?!
:'''Freddie''': No way?!
:'''Spencer''': Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.
:'''Freddie''': Well who's gonna tell Carly?
:''[Spencer gives the puppy dog eyes look to Sam]''
:'''Sam''': I'm not telling Carly.
:'''Spencer''': Why?!
:'''Sam''': Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!
:'''Spencer''': SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-
:''[Carly enters making aeroplane noises whilst bringing in her dad's birthday cake]''
:'''Carly''': Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. ''[shuts the door]'' Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay? 
''[the others look at each other looking upset not knowing what to say next]''
:'''Spencer''': Um.. ''[turns to Sam and Freddie]''
:''[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]''
:'''Spencer''': Weenies!
:'''Carly''': Why are they weenies?
:'''Spencer''': I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.
:'''Carly''': Okay, something's going on here.
:'''Spencer''': Yeah, sit. ''[he and Carly both sit on the couch]'' Carly, sometimes, in life-
:'''Carly''': I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-
:'''Spencer''': No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.
:'''Carly''': ''[shocked]'' He is too coming home, he told me.
:'''Spencer''': Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-
:'''Carly''': But we planned a big birthday party and everything.
:'''Spencer''': I know, I'm sad about it too, but-
:''[Carly begins to walk upstairs very upset]''
:'''Spencer''': Don't be mad at him.
:'''Carly''': I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.
:'''Spencer''': You wanna talk about it?
:'''Carly''': No.
:''[Sam and Freddie walk back in]''
:'''Freddie''': Hey!
:'''Sam''': Did you just call us weenies?
:'''Spencer''': Yes.
:'''Sam''': Ok.
:'''Freddie''': Later
:''[Sam and Freddie leave again]''

----
:'''Sam''': When do we start the show?
:'''Freddie''': Where's Carly?
:'''Sam''': In her room, fixing her make-up. 
:'''Freddie''': She was crying?
:'''Sam''': Yeah.
:'''Gibby''': Why? You hit her?
:'''Sam''': No, I didn't hit her!
:'''Freddie''': She's still upset about her dad not coming home.
:'''Gibby''': Oh well, she won't be upset in a few minutes when.. ''[notices Carly]'' Shut up! She's walking in!
:'''Freddie''': He's, just-
:'''Carly''': I don't care. Let's just get iCarly over with so I can back to my room and cry in the dark.
:'''Freddie''': In.. 5, 4, 3, 2
:'''Carly''': Hi.
:'''Sam''': And I'm Sam. Now hold onto your butter beans cause this is..
:'''Carly and Sam''': iCarly!
:'''Sam''': Okay, now recently, we've noticed something about pineapples.
:'''Carly''': They're usually naked.
:'''Sam''': But tonight..
:'''Carly''': We're gonna dress up a few pineapples real purty-like.
:'''Sam''': No, we're not.
:'''Carly''': What are you doing?
:'''Sam''': I'll tell you what we're doing. Me, Gibby and Frednard got a cool surprise for little miss Carly Shay here.
:''[Freddie hands Gibby the camera]''
:'''Freddie''': As a lot of you know, Carly's dad..
:'''Sam''': Corneal Shay.
:'''Freddie''': Is in the airforce.
:'''Carly''': Can we not talk about my dad?
:'''Sam''': So he couldn't be here in person..
:'''Freddie''': To spend his birthday with Carly and her brother Spencer.
:'''Carly''': This is cruel.
:'''Sam''': Therefore, we've arranged for Carly to throw her dad a birthday iParty!
:'''Freddie''': Via the internet.
:'''Carly''': I told you guys, he's at some military base for the next 5 weeks, there's no way we can contact him. 
:'''Freddie''': Ah! But there is.
:'''Sam''': And now, young Freddie will establish contact with her dad, Corneal Shay! 
:'''Carly''': What?!
:'''Gibby''': Spencer, get out here!
:'''Spencer''': I'm out here!
:'''Freddie''': And, connecting to overseas airforce base.. now!
:'''Sam''': What up with the picture?
:'''Freddie''': One sec. ''[types]'' &quot;Cornel Shay, can you see us?&quot;
:'''Carly''': Can he?!
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;Yes&quot;.
:'''Freddie''': He can see us!
:'''Carly''': Hey dad!
:'''Spencer''': Hey dad!
:'''Carly''': It's me!
:'''Spencer''': I'm a lawyer!
:'''Sam''': Why can't we see him? 
:'''Freddie''': I dunno, he can't get a clear video signal out.
:'''Spencer''': But he can see and hear everything we're saying?
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;Yes&quot;.
:'''Freddie''': Yes! Here, I'll put the instant message window on the big screen.
:'''Carly's Dad:''' ''[types]'' &quot;Hey guys!&quot;
:'''Carly''': Ah! Hey dad!
:'''Spencer''': Happy Birthday!
:'''Carly''': I miss you!
:'''Spencer''': I'm a lawyer!
:'''Carly''': Dad! I love you so much!
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;Love you too snug bug :)&quot;
:'''Carly''': Ahh! He called me snug bug, that's me, that's what he calls me!
:'''Gibby''': That's a cute nickname.
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;Hey Sam.&quot;
:'''Sam''': Hey Corneal Shay.
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;How's your mom?&quot;
:'''Sam''': Oh my mom? Same as always.
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;I'm so sorry.&quot;
:'''Freddie''': Okay Cornel Shay, get excited, cause it's time for...
:''[Gibby brings out the birthday cake]''
:''[Drum roll and Sam plays the music and switches the bright blue lights on]''
:'''Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby''': ''[sing]'' Happy Birthday Corneal Shay..
:'''Spencer''': DAD!
:'''Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby''': ..today's the day that you were born!
:'''Gibby''': Gibbay!
:'''Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby''': We wish that you could be here with us, cause if you were we'd give you a hug! ''[shout]'' Give him a hug! ''[sing]'' We bought a cake shaped like a plane aaaannnnnddddd.... payed for it with your credit card! YEAH!! Woo!! Woop! 
:''[Balloons fall from the ceiling]''
:'''Sam''': C'mon, c'mon, the candles, light them!
:'''Freddie''': Yeah, do it!
:'''Spencer''': I will now light the candles on 3.. 1- 
:''[The cake blows up everywhere]''
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;Nice work Spencer.&quot;
:'''Freddie''': Uh guys, I may not be able to hold this connection much longer.
:''[Carly and Spencer argue on who says goodbye]''
:'''Spencer''': Just say it!
:'''Carly''': Ok, okay! Dad, I really wish we were together, but, this almost feels like we are. Um, I'm really proud of you. Happy Birthday! I love you. 
:'''Carly's Dad''': ''[types]'' &quot;I love you too.&quot;
:'''Carly''': And I love you guys. ''[gives Sam and Freddie and hug.]''
:'''Freddie''': That's it, lost the connection.
:''[Sam gives Carly a hug]''
:'''Spencer''': Aw man, there's cake on the ceiling. 
:'''Gibby''': Where? ''[cake falls onto his face]'' Oh, there.

----
:'''Sam''': How can you not be mad?
:'''Carly''': Mr. Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.
:'''Freddie''': But he took your phone?
:'''Carly''': He'll give it back.
:'''Freddie and Sam''': But- 
:'''Carly''': Okay, okay. Nothing can out me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs. 
:'''Sam and Freddie''': Umm, well, no, no-
:'''Carly''': No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. ''[Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug]'' I love you. 
:''[The trio walk in to find Spencer sat on the couch joined by agents.]''
:'''Spencer''': Heeyy. 
:'''Carly''': Um, who are-
:'''Agent Kinsey''': I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris. 
:'''Agent Farrow''': We're with the United States Secret Service. 
:'''Spencer''': Heeyy. 
:'''Agent Kinsey''': This is about your recent webcast.
:'''Agent Farrow''': To a secure military base over-seas. 
:''[The three of them look very worried]''
:'''Spencer''': Heeyy.

----
:''[The agents are investigating the apartment.]''
:'''Carly''': I don't understand this.
:'''Agent Kinsey''': Just relax Ma'am. 
:'''Spencer''': How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!
:'''Agent Farrow''': We're just checking your place out. 
:'''Sam''': Why?!
:'''Agent Farrow''': Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government. 
:'''Sam''': Oh great! 
:'''Freddie''': ''[tries to confort Sam]'' Stay calm.
:'''Sam''': I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!
:'''Agent Farrow''': ''[His machine bleeps]'' Clear. 
:'''Agent Kinsey''': Alright, we're done here for now. Please don't leave town until we contact you again.
:'''Carly''': Why can't we leave town?
:'''Agent Kinsey''': Just don't leave town.
:''[The 4 of them stand there looking at the agents very shocked]''
:'''Carly''': Okay. ''[sounding scared]'' Thanks for watching iCarly! 
:''[The agents leave the apartment]''
:''[Carly gives Spencer a hug looking really upset, as if she's about to cry.]''

----
:'''[[Michelle Obama]]''': I'm on iCarly!

----
:'''Michelle''': ''[after winning a bag of nuts and bots on iCarly]'' Now I can finally finish that robot!
:''[a government agent comes up to her and whispers something in her ear]''
:'''Michelle''': I'm not supposed to mention the robot?
:'''Government Agent''': No!

==''iToe Fat Cakes''==
:''[Gibby zips up his suitcase, then gets it up and pulls up the handle.]''
:'''Freddie''': Why are you bringing a big suitcase? We're just going to Canada for the day.
:'''Gibby''': Yeah. So I brought some hair care products, uh, some extra batteries, a change of underpants.
:''[Freddie looks at the suitcase.]''
:'''Gibby''': Is that a problem?
:'''Freddie''': ''[Looks at Gibby]'' No.
:'''Gibby''': That's what I thought.
:'''Spencer''': ''[Takes his jacket from a jacket hanger]'' Come on, guys. We gotta hit the road. ''[Puts on his jacket]''
:'''Sam''': We don't have to be at the Fat Cake Factory 'til one.
:'''Spencer''': Yeah, but it's a two-hour drive. We gotta go through security at the border.
:'''Gibby''': Why? It's not like Canada's a different country.
:''[Pause.]''
:'''Freddie''': Yes, it is.
:'''Gibby''': I thought it was like Idaho.
:'''Spencer''': Idaho's a state&amp;ndash; in our country.
:'''Gibby''': Look, I don't need a lecture.
:'''Sam''': You sure you're not gonna come?
:'''Carly''': I want to but I already bailed on Lance twice and he's really cool. And if I bail again, he's gonna think I don't like him, and I really do like him. Besides, I haven't kissed a guy in four months. I'm gettin' itchy.
:'''Freddie''': What time's your date?
:'''Carly''': Handsome Lance is picking me up at five o'clock. With his car.
:'''Gibby''': So what are you gonna do 'til then?
:'''Carly''': Probably take a long hot bath, and I'll blow my hair out, maybe I'll do my nails&amp;ndash;
:'''Sam''': Bye.
:'''Freddie''': Late.
:'''Spencer''': See ya.
:'''Gibby''': Gibbeh.
:''[Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby leave as Carly looks on.]''

----
:'''Carly''': Just gotta be calm, sooner or later someone will come in here, help me get my toe unstuck... AND SEE ME NAKED!

----
:'''Manager''': Which of you would like to try a Canadian Fat Cake? 
:'''Gibby''': Hey, I wouldn't mind-
:''[Sam kicks Gibby in the stomach and pushes him onto the floor]''
:'''Sam''': May I?
:'''Police Officer''': She called me a dumb waz bag.

----
:'''Police Officer''': What did you plan to do with all these Fat Cakes?
:'''Sam''': Send them on a trip down to my stomach, and I think we all know what would have happened to them after that.

----
:'''Carly''': ''[banging on a metal pole with the shower head]'' Help! Heelpp! Ausie Stance! Anyone?! Please! A cute boy is gonna be here any minute and I'm all wrinkled like an elderly raisin!! Urgh, this day could not get worse.
:'''Mrs Benson''': ''[walks into Carly's bathroom]'' Urgh, it's you!
:'''Carly''': Mrs Benson!
:'''Mrs Benson''': Will you stop banging and screaming? I heard you all the way from my apartment.  
:'''Carly''': That was the point.
:'''Mrs Benson''': Oh, ''[gasps]'' You bathe in your sweatshirt too? I thought I was the only one. 
:'''Carly''': I don't bathe in my sweatshirt, I got my toe stuck in the fauset.
:'''Mrs Benson''': How?
:'''Carly''': I saw some dumb person do it on the 'Dick Van Dike' show. C'mon, could you please just help me get it out?
:'''Mrs Benson''': ''[under her breath]'' Alright. I'll give it a yank. ''[sits down on the bath tub]'' Ready?
:'''Carly''': Okay, just be really careful ok-
:'''Mrs Benson''': ''[yanking on Carly's foot]'' Argh!
:'''Carly''': Ow!
:'''Mrs Benson''': Argh!
:'''Carly''': Oww!
:'''Mrs Benson''': Argh!
:'''Carly''': Owww! 
:'''Mrs Benson''': Argh!
:'''Carly''': Ow!
:'''Mrs Benson''': Am I hurting you?
:'''Carly''': No I love it!!
:''[Carly's date walks in]''
:'''Lance''': Hey, everything alright?
:'''Carly''': ''[shocked]'' Lance!
:'''Lance''': Sorry, I heard screaming so I thought I should come up? 
:'''Mrs Benson''': ''[holding pepper spray]'' Put you hands down!
:''[Lance lowers his hands]''
:'''Mrs Benson''': Who's the boy?
:'''Carly''': My date.
:'''Lance''': ''[to Carly in a quite flirty voice]'' Hey.
:'''Carly''': ''[trying to act flirty in the bath tub]'' Heeyy.

----
:'''Sam''': Blah blah blah blaaaaahh.
:'''Spencer''': I know you have a crush on me.
:'''Sam''': What?!
:'''Spencer''': Nothing.

----
:''[A Malaysian man takes a red suitcase through the border, unaware that it is Gibby's and that Sam is inside.]''
:'''Sam''': ''[Inside the suitcase]'' Gibby?
:'''Spencer''': Okay, let's get outta here.
:'''Freddie''': Grab Sam, let's go.
:'''Gibby''': ''[Takes another red suitcase, unaware that it is the Malaysian man's and that Sam is not inside]'' Ooh. Sam's light.
:'''Freddie''': Come on!
:'''Spencer''': U-S-A!
:''[Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby make their way through the border.]''
:'''Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby''': ''[In unison]'' U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

----
:''[On a flight to Hong Kong with an airplane landing at Kai Tak Airport.]''
:'''Announcement''': Thank you for flying Air Malaysia. We'll be landing shortly.
:'''Sam''': ''[Inside the suitcase]'' Freddie?! Spencer?! Gibby?! Are we still in Canada?!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|iCarly}}
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:iCarly seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>i7w3jwwux166167r29oyhh9q4jrlo82</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Victorious (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192465</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150501</id>
      <parentid>3122941</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:22:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.106.24.193</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Stage Fighting */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="86855" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Victorious (season 1)|1]] [[Victorious (season 2)|2]] [[Victorious (season 3)|3]] [[Victorious (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Victorious|Main]]'''
----

'''''[[Victorious]] '''''(stylized as ''VIC'''TORi'''OUS'') is an American sitcom created by Dan Schneider that originally aired on Nickelodeon from March 27, 2010 to February 2, 2013. The series revolves around aspiring singer Tori Vega (portrayed by {{w|Victoria Justice}}), a teenager who attends a performing arts high school called Hollywood Arts High School, after taking her older sister Trina's ({{w|Daniella Monet}}) place in a showcase while getting into {{w|screwball comedy|screwball}} situations on a daily basis. On her first day at Hollywood Arts, she meets Andre Harris ({{w|Leon Thomas III}}), Robbie Shapiro ({{w|Matt Bennett}}), Rex Powers (Robbie's puppet), Jade West ({{w|Elizabeth Gillies}}), Cat Valentine ({{w|Ariana Grande}}), and Beck Oliver ({{w|Avan Jogia}}). 
==Pilot==
:''[In Tori's house]''
:'''Tori''': Bread mold
:'''Ian''': Bread mold
:'''Tori''': Furry 
:'''Ian ''': Furry
:'''Tori''': Mushy
:'''Ian ''': Mushy
:'''Tori''': Next, the fish mold
:'''Ian''': Fish mold
:'''Trina''': ''[enters]'' I am so upset! ''[slams door]'' You won't believe who I got partnered with for the big showcase.
:'''Tori''': Who?
:'''Trina''': Andrew Harris, a 10th grader!
:'''Ian''': What's the big showcase?
:'''Tori''': It's a performance they put on at her school &quot;every&quot; year where they...
:'''Trina''': ''[cutting in]''  They invite agents and directors and producers and other super powerful people in show business and it's extremely important to me, which is why I am very upset, and ''[dramatically]'' goooooodbyeeeee.
:'''Tori''': Hey! Ian and I have a science project due tomorrow. I have to turn in my mold bush.
:'''Trina''': So Andrew is coming over and he's got to help us figure out what I'm going to be doing in the big showcase. I DEFINITELY want to sing, ''(sings off key)'' How was that?
:'''Tori''': Loud!
:'''Trina''': Awesome. ''(doorbell rings)'' He's here. ''(she walks to answer the door, Tori follows)'' STAY! ''(Trina answers the door)'' Come in!
:'''Andre''': Thanks.
:'''Trina''': Tori, that's Andrew
:'''Andre''': Andre.
:'''Tori''': Hey.
:'''Andre''': You go to Hollywood Arts, too?
:'''Tori''': Ohh no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.
:'''Trina''': Yep, I've got the talent and she's got the strong teeth. You know, she's never had one cavity.
:'''Tori''': I try not to brag about it. ''(Andre walks to the piano)''
:'''Andre''': Ooh, nice piano! ''(plays)'' 
:'''Tori''': Oh, my god! You're fantastic!
:'''Trina''': He's okay. ''(Andre sniffs Tori's hand)''
:'''Tori''': Fish mold. ''(Andre drops Tori's hand)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Slap Update': Lots and lots of words

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''' ''(oh phone)'' No, Grandma, listen...there is no way that you can drown at my school...you're not going to fall in a toilet...''(pretends to lose signal)'' look...look I got to...I'LL CALL YOU LATER! ''(hangs up)''
:'''Tori''': Your grandmother's coming to the big showcase?
:'''Andre''': Yeah its going to be the first time she's left the house in six years.
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''Andre''': The woman is afraid of everything - people, umbrellas, Rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods.
:'''Tori''': So if she saw a Rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...
:'''Andre''': The woman would burst into flames.
:'''Trina''': ''(off screen)'' You guys, come on!
:'''Tori''': Back to rehearsal.
:'''Andre''': Lets go.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': ''(in a light blue dress)'' So? What do you think? ''(turns around)'' Fabulous, right?
:'''Tori''': You really need to wear that just to rehearse?
:'''Trina''': A performer needs to feel the part to be the part!
:'''Tori''': I thought we talked about not tapping my nose anymore.
:'''Trina''': ''(laughs)'' Okay, we got the comedy stuff down, so let's start with my song.
:'''Andre''': And by your song, I'm guessing you mean the song that ''I'' wrote.
:'''Trina''': No one cares who wrote the song! ''(laughs)'' Now, go. ''(Andre plays first notes)'' SLOWER!
:''(Andre is startled)''
:'''Trina''': ''(off-key)'' You don't have to be afraid to put your dreams in action! You'll never gonna fade...
:'''Tori''': Trina?
:'''Trina''' ...you'll be the - WHAT?!
:'''Tori''': I-I think Andre was right! You should let him play the song in a faster tempo!
:'''Trina''': No, it has to be a power ballad! So, all the important people can hear my range! And vocal clarity!
:'''Tori''': But, I just think -
:'''Trina''': No, just take it from &quot;When I make it shine.&quot;
:''(Andre continues playing)''
:'''Trina''': ''(off-key)'' When I make it shine! ''(holds note)'' Well?
:'''Andre''': Do you have any aspirin?
:''(Tori gives a handful of aspirin)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Slap Update''': Ditching school - going to Trina's BIG SHOWCASE!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, hi! You must Andre's grandmother?
:'''Charlotte''': I don't know you! ''(hides)''
:''(Trina's screaming in pain in the background)''
:'''Lane''': ''(walks down the aisle)'' Excuse me, you're Trina's parents?
:'''David''': Yes.
:'''Mrs. Vega''': Why?
:'''Lane''': Please come with me.
:''(The Vega's follow Lane, Charlotte peers out from behind seats)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nurse Kotter''': Just - just keep your mouth open!
:'''Trina''': ''(muffled)'' That is so not helping!
:'''Lane''': Here she is.
:'''Mrs Vega''': Trina!
:'''David''': What happened?!
:'''Trina''': Look at my tounge It's massive!
:'''Tori''': Oh, my god, it's huge!
:'''Trina''': Somebody do something!
:'''Mr. Vega''': Are you the school nurse?
:'''Nurse Kotter''': Yeah. Does anybody know how this happened?
:'''Tori''': The chinese herb gargle!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lane''': Whoa, whoa! She can't go on stage wearing that!
:'''Tori''': Excuse me?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': You guys, Sikowitz really wants everybody back to class.
:'''Rex''': And you really wanted a date to the prom last year, but you didn't get one, did you?
:'''Cat''': ''What's that supposed to mean?!?!''
:'''Robbie''': Rex!!!
:'''Cat''': Tell your puppet to quit being mean to me!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jade''': I went to the pet store and got us a dog.
:'''Tori''': That’s right I’m the family dog uh woof.
:'''Jade''': Sikowitz’s would you please tell Tori that dogs walk on 4 legs, not 2 and don’t talk.
:'''Sikowitz''': Tori, if you're going to play a dog you have to act like one.
:'''Jade''': Uh-oh looks like this dog has bugs in her fur.
:'''Tori''': Uh woof.
:'''Eli and Cat''': Ew!
:'''Jade''': Aw it's okay. I read on the Internet that coffee works great for getting rid of fur bugs.
:'''Beck''': Maybe you shouldn't, uh....
:'''Andre''': Jade.
:(''Jade pours the coffee on Tori anyway, and Tori gets up and looks at Jade in humiliation'')
:'''Jade''': What's the prob, dog?
:(''Tori angrily storms out of the classroom and into the hallway'')
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': My name's Cat.
:'''Tori''': Like the animal!
:'''Cat''': What's that supposed to mean?!
:'''Tori''': Nothing! I...I love cats.
:'''Cat''': Oh, me too! They're so cute. ''[walks off]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''André''': This school's not normal.
:'''Tori''': Really?
:'''André''': You're not normal either. I've seen what you can do on stage. You're special. You're fantastic. You belong at this school. ''[starts to walk off, then looks at her again]'' Normal's boring. ''[Cat shows up]''
:'''Cat''': It's true!
:'''Tori''': That normal's boring?
:'''Cat''': No, that no one asked me to the prom.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Please go take a shower. 
:'''Jade''': Quit telling me what to do.
:'''Beck''': Relax, girls. Let's all try to get along. 
:'''Cat''': Totally!
:'''Sikowitz''': ''[makes a buzzing noise]'' Cat, your line had to start with the letter S.
:'''Cat''': Salami!
:'''Sikowitz''': Nope. Too late now.
:'''Cat''': Oh, my life's the worst!
:'''Sikowitz''': Here's a piece of candy. 
:'''Cat''': Yay! I love candy! ''[gets off stage, takes the candy and sits next to Robbie]'' 
:'''Sikowitz''': All right. André, letter &quot;S&quot; to you.
:'''André''': Uh, something just bit my toe!
:'''Tori''': Turtle! That turtle just bit his toe!
:'''Jade''': Unbelievable that you're even here. 
:'''Beck''': Very immature of you to say that.
:'''André''': Uh-
:'''Sikowitz''': Come on, André! W!
:'''André''': What if the turtle bite, broke my toe bone?
:'''Tori''': X-rays are the only way to find out. 
:'''Jade''': You should shut up.
:'''Beck''': Zap! I just healed your toe with my magic finger.
:'''André''': Thanks.
:'''Sikowitz''': ''[makes a buzzing noise]'' André, your line had to start with a letter A. Sit down!
:'''André''': ''[gets off stage]'' Aw, and I just got my toe bone fixed. ''[sits down]''
:'''Sikowitz''': Tori, the letter &quot;A&quot; to you.
:'''Tori''': Aliens are the only  ones that can heal toes by finger zapping.
:'''Jade''': By the way, ''[blows a raspberry at Tori]''.
:''(Tori rolls her eyes)''
:'''Beck''': Correct, I am an alien.
:''(Tori gasps)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Ooh, a twist!
:'''Tori''': Don't hurt me! Please?
:'''Jade''': Even though she's extremely annoying!
:'''Beck''': Fainting...'cause I can't breathe...your Earth's air. ''[falls dramatically on the ground]''
:'''Tori''': Gosh, it fainted!
:'''Sikowitz''': Excellent! Tori and Jade, keep going! The next letter's H!
:'''Jade''': Hey why don't you jump off that cliff over there?
:'''Tori''': I think you should. 
:'''Jade''': Just where did you come from?
:'''Tori''': Kangaroos.
:'''Jade''': Lousy animals, kangaroos. They're awkward and dirty. 
:'''Tori''': Maybe they've learned from you.
:''[The class oohs and gasps in astonishment.]''
:'''Jade''': ''[shocked]'' No one talks to me like that.
:'''Tori''': Obviously someone should.
:'''Jade''': Please run in front of a bus!
:'''Tori''': Quite obnoxious of you to say. 
:'''Jade''': Really?
:'''Tori''': Sure was. 
:'''Jade''': Thanks!
:'''Tori''': Up your nose I see boogers.
:'''Jade''': Very clever.
:'''Tori''': Wish you thought of that?
:'''Jade''': X marks the spot I'd like to punch! ''[points her finger at Tori]''
:'''Tori''': Your finger smells weird!
:'''Jade''': Zero is what you are on a scale from one to ten.
:'''Sikowitz''': And back to the letter A!
:'''Tori''': As if I care what you think!
:'''Jade''': Better watch yourself.
:'''Tori''': Can't take it?
:'''Jade''': Don't push me!
:'''Tori''': Eat your pants!
:'''Jade''': You eat your pants! ''[realizes what she said]'' Wait!
:'''Sikowitz''': ''[makes a buzzing noise]'' Sorry, Jade! The next letter was-
:'''Jade''': F! I KNOW! ''[turns angrily at Tori then walks off and sits down]''
:''(Beck begins to wake)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Keep this thing going!
:'''Tori''': Get up alien! ''[helps Beck up]''
:'''Beck''': Head feels dizzy.
:'''Tori''': I know what will make you feel better.
:''(Jade raises her eyebrows)''
:'''Beck''': Jumping jacks?
:'''Tori''': Kiss me. 
:''(Jade sits up)''
:'''Beck''': Let's do it. 
:''[Tori and Beck kiss and the class claps.]''
:'''Tori''': Man, I love this school!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Okay, first I'd like to introduce our new student, Tori, and I'd like to thank Tori for her generous gift of two dollars, which she handed me outside this morning. Not necessary, but much appreciated.
:'''André''': Why'd you give him two dollars?
:'''Tori''': I thought he was homeless.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Jade, kiss your boyfriend on your own time.
:'''Jade''': Oh, I ''will''...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': You know, you're actually not terrible. You're really going to quit Hollywood Arts?
:'''Tori''': What do you think I should do?
:'''Trina''': I think you should come back.
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''Trina''': So I won't be known at school as the girl with the lame, little sister who quit on her first day...and I think you were really good in the Big Showcase.
:'''Tori''': (Tori smiles) Thanks, Trina.
:'''Trina''': But I would have been amazing!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Sikowitz''': Tori, you're back. You ever thought about coming in through the window?
:'''Tori''': No.
:'''Sikowitz''': Think about it. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': See, it's just a high school.
:'''Tori''': Uh, this is not just a high school. These kids are all artsy and creative and talented and I'm just... normal.
:'''Trina''': It's okay, there's nothing wrong with being average. Anyway, you're not alone. I got your back.
:'''Tori''': Okay, though...
:'''Friend''': Trina! Eric Paulson got his hair straightened!
:'''Trina''': Shut up! Oh my god!
:''(Trina and her friend walk off speaking unintelligibly.)''
:'''Tori''': I'm alone! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''André''': Hey, whatchu doin?
:'''Tori''': Calling my mom to tell her I want to go back to my old school.
:'''André''': Why?
:'''Tori''': Cause I don't like having black coffee in my hair!
:'''André''': Then I'll get you some cream and sugar. Everything'll be chill. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''André''': No, Grandma, listen, there's no way you can drown at my school. Look... look... I gotta... I gotta... I g... I ca... I'll call you later!
:'''Tori''': Your grandmother's coming to the Big Showcase?
:'''André''': Yeah, it's gonna be the first time she's left the house in six years.
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''André''': Cause the woman's afraid of everything. People, umbrellas, rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods...
:'''Tori''': So if she saw a rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...
:'''André''': The woman would burst into flames
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''André''': You go to Hollywood Arts too?
:'''Tori''': Oh, no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.
:'''Trina''': Yep. I got the talent and she got the strong teeth. You know she's never had one cavity?
:'''Tori''': I try not to brag about it.

==''Stage Fighting''==

:'''Cat''': So let's hear your horn!
:'''André''': Yeah, play that funky music, white girl!
:'''Tori''': You know I'm half Latina.
:'''André''': Then hit it, muchacha!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, great, so she gets an A- and I get a broken eye and a black nose
:'''Beck''': (correcting her) I think you meant--
:'''Tori:''' I know what I meant.
:'''Cat''': My dog has a black nose. It's so cute, like a baby meatball!
:'''Tori''': Meatballs are brown.
:'''Cat''': YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! ''[angrily takes her drink and leaves the table]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[after stage fighting class concludes]''
:'''Jade''': ''[in a flirty tone]'' Hey, partner. I can't wait for our ''fight''... ''scene''...
:'''Tori''': Gulp.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori and Jade doing their fight scene)''
:'''Jade''': ''[as a robber]'' Gimme your money!
:'''Tori''': ''[as an elderly grandmother]'' WHAT?!
:'''Jade''': I ain't playing, gimme your money and your watch!
:'''Tori''': Well wouldn't you rather have this? ''[Tori swings her cane above Jade]''
:'''Jade''': ''[after falling to the floor]'' OW!.....BUTTERNUT! BUTTERNUT!
:'''Cat''': She's bleeding!
:'''Teacher''': Are you okay?
:'''Jade''': ''[covering her left eye with her hand]'' NO! Tori hit me in the face '''FOR REAL'''!
:'''Tori''': ''[defending herself]'' No, I didn't!
:'''Jade''': Tell that to my bloody eye! OW!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Derek''': Is that mac and cheese?
:'''Tori''': Who cares?!
:'''Derek''': ''[Muttering]'' Just wanted to know if it was mac and cheese...
:'''Jade''': ''[comes in and looks at Tori. The two stare at each other for a few seconds]'' ...I don't get it.
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Jade''': I know Andre told you that I ''faked'' everything. The blood, the black eye- what ''is'' that, mac and cheese?
:'''Derek''': Looks like it, right?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jade''': it will be more fun if there was music.
:'''Cat''': Why'd you hit Jade in the face with a cane?
:'''Tori''': I didn't!
:'''Cat''': Ok, I believe you! Don't hit me!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Well, it looked like he was hurting you.
:'''Jade''': ''[suspiciously]'' Why do you care?
:'''Tori''': Because I figured he already suffers enough pain dating ''you'' 
:'''Jade''': ''[retaliating]'' You wanna see pain?
:'''Beck''': Hey! Why don't we go sit over there? ''[Both Beck and Jade walk away]''

==''The Birthweek Song''==

:''(Cat and Robbie come to see Tori)''
:'''Cat''': Hey, Tori!
:'''Tori''': Yeah, hey, hi. 
:'''Cat''': Whatcha doin'?
:'''Rex''': ''(to Tori)'' Hey, waddup, girl? You got a numb tongue?
:''(Tori looks at Rex)''
:'''Robbie''': ''(to Rex)'' Alright, that's a time out, mister!
:''(Cat and Robbie put Rex inside Robbie's backpack)''
:'''Rex''': No, no time out! Don't you put me in this backpack!  I'm serious, Rob!
:'''Andre''': ''(enters)'' Hey, what goes on?
:'''Robbie''': We're going to get some iced coffee.
:'''Andre''': ''(to Robbie)'' I thought caffeine makes you vibrate.
:'''Robbie''': Sometimes it's nice.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie needs someone to help him with his Grandmother's computer)''
:'''Robbie''': Will one of you come with me?
:'''Cat''': Sure, I love old people.  It's so cute how they shake when they pour their juice.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Now, before I take you in there, I should warn you.
:'''Cat''': About...?
:'''Robbie''': My grandmother, she can be...critical.
:'''Cat''': That's okay, I take criticism really well.
:'''Robbie''': No, you don't.
:'''Cat''': What's ''that'' supposed to mean?!?!
:'''Robbie''': It's that you don't take criticism very well!
:'''Cat''': WHY DON'T YOU JUST KICK ME IN THE FACE?!
:'''Robbie''': I'm sorry, I take it back.
:'''Cat''': ''(brightly)'' Okay.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie knocks on the door)''
:'''Mammaw''': I've got a gun!
:'''Robbie''': No, Mamaw, it's me, Robbie!
:''(Mammaw opens the door)''
:'''Mammaw''': Hi.
:'''Cat''': Hi.
:'''Mammaw''': Come in. ''(whipsers to Robbie)'' is she your girlfriend?
:'''Robbie''': No.
:'''Mammaw''': Good, you can do better.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mammaw''': ''[of Cat's hair]'' Why did you do that to your hair?
:'''Cat''': What, you mean the color?
:'''Mammaw''': Do you hate your mother?
:'''Cat''': I love my mother!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, how about she's the whole reason why I got into Hollywood Arts?
:'''André''': Now you're digging.
:'''Tori''': Yay, I'm diggy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I wrote a song for you! I rehearsed it! With people! I performed it for you!
:'''Trina''': ... Yeah, I think you were a little flat on that last chorus. ''[Tori grabs her by her shirt]'' ''Oh!'' Can't hit your sister during her birthweek.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mammaw''': A girl doesn't dye her hair that color unless she has psychological problems!
:'''Cat''': My hair color has ''nothing'' to do with my psychological problems!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''André''': You're gonna have to get her another present.
:'''Tori''': I know that!
:'''André''': Got a cheese guy...
:'''Tori''': I'm NOT giving her cheese! ...Maybe I should just give up and accept the fact that I'm not gonna find anything good and Trina's gonna hate me for the next six months.
:'''André''': I can't believe you hit me in the head.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I can't believe you're not deep enough to appreciate a gift that totally came from my heart!
:'''Trina''': A song is not a gift.
:'''Tori''': It IS TOO!
:'''Trina''': Can I wear a song? No. Can I eat a song? No. Can I flaunt a song and make people jealous, no, you ''failed''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': CAN I HAVE A COFFEE TOO?
:'''Producers''': NO!
:'''Andrè''': ''[to Trina]'' It's not good. ''[to himself]'' ''So'' good.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': You people give me a rash.
:''[Jade leaves table]''
:'''Rex''': ''(calling out)'' ... What kind of rash?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Andre plays some music on his keyboard, which Tori finds quite catchy)''
:'''Tori''': That is cool.
:'''André''': Now let's work on lyrics.
:'''Tori''': Noooo, I don't wanna write lyrics. Play more stuff on your thingy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': The song was your present!
:'''Trina''': How much did it cost?
:'''Tori''': It didn't cost money!
:'''Trina''': ''(mockingly)'' Then it's ''not'' a  present!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Hey, Vega! ''Tori!''
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Jade''': Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like. ''[Hands the cup to Tori]''
:'''Tori''': Okay. ''[Drinks the coffee]'' Hazelnut?
:'''Jade''': I don't know, I found it in the garbage.
:''(Tori does a spit take)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Are you gonna finish that coffee?
:'''Tori''': No, Jade found it in the -- You can have it.
:'''Trina''': Thanks. ''[Trina blows her a kiss and walks away.]''
:'''Tori''': That's right. ''Drink the garbage coffee.''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Okay birthweek ideas for Trina. Andre you start us off.
:'''Andre''': Cheese.
:'''Tori''': Cheese?
:'''Andre:''': Let's not do cheese.
:'''Tori:''': Robbie?
:'''Robbie''': Lotion, or various lotions.
:'''Tori''': Gross. Cat?
:'''Cat''': Well for my last birthday I thought my parents were going to get me a bike, but then I got home and my brother was cutting off his hair and my mom started yelling and...
:'''Tori''': Jade?
:'''Jade''': What?
:'''Tori''': What should I get Trina for her birthweek?
:'''Jade''': Talent.
:'''Sinjin''': Jade is so pretty.
:'''Jade''': 3,2,1

==''Tori the Zombie''==
:'''Tori''': ''[reading and holding a script]'' I don't know.
:'''Robbie''': ''[reading and holding a script]'' Oh come on! 
:'''Tori''': Why are you in love with me?
:'''Robbie''': Because you're beautiful. Look at your face in the moonlight.
:'''Tori''': I can't. 
:'''Robbie''': You can.  
:'''Tori''': No, a person can't look at their own face. It's impossible. 
:'''Robbie''': Then marry me and I'll buy you a thousand mirrors. 
:'''Tori''': But that's so many!
:'''Robbie''': My father is a billionaire. I can give you everything you ever wanted. And I'm very good looking.
:'''Tori''': Eh. 
:'''Robbie''': Think. 
:'''Marty''': And lights. Go. 
:''[A spotlight shines on Beck with a script also.]''
:'''Tori''': ''[turns to Beck]'' I don't know.
:'''Beck''': It's okay that you don't know.
:'''Tori''': But you deserve an answer.
:'''Beck''': I can wait. For you, I can wait a thousand years.
:'''Tori''': But that's so many!
:'''Jade''': ''[holding a book and texting]''
:'''Beck''': I know I'm poor. I know that I don't have that much to offer but I do love you. 
:'''Tori''': ''[turns away]'' Because I'm beautiful?
:'''Beck''': I don't love you because you're beautiful. ''[touches Tori's shoulder]'' 
:'''Tori''': ''[turns around]''
:'''Beck''': You're beautiful because I love you.
:'''Tori''': Whoa.
:'''Jade''': ''[rolls her eyes]''
:''[Random disco music starts playing and everyone turns to Sinjin.]''
:'''Jade''': What up with the disco?!
:'''Sinjin''': I'm sorry! I hit the wrong thing! 
:'''Jade''': NO! FIFTEEN YEARS AGO YOUR MOTHER GAVE BIRTH TO THE WRONG THING!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status Update on  TheSlap''': Never send Cat and Trina to do ANYTHING!!! MOOD = Desperate
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Sinjin turns on the disco music]''
:'''Jade''': WILL YOU KILL THE DISCO?!!
:'''Sinjin''': NO ONE can kill disco!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Cat and Trina are in the car, with Tori calling them]''
:'''Cat''': Oh, punch buggy blue! ''[punches Trina's arm]''
:'''Trina''': Dude! ''[punches Cat's arm]''
:'''Cat''': Ow! ''[other car honks]''
:'''Trina''': ''[honks back]'' SHUT UP!
:'''Tori''': Listen to me. If you two morons aren't back here before the play starts and I have to go on stage looking like a zombie, I'm gonna punch both your buggies! Do you- !? ''[Marty shows up near her]'' I love you too, grandma, thanks for the quilt. ''[hangs up]''
:'''Trina''': Quilt? ''[other car honks]'' SHUT UP!!! ''[honks back]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[very fast]'' Well did you TELL HIM that I'm starring in a big play tomorrow night that was written by Sofia Michelle and that Sofia Michelle is gonna BE THERE and that I'm supposed to be beautiful and not look like a walking dead person who wants to eat people's BRAINS?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[answers the door frustrated]'' WHAT?! ''[two Sunshine Girls scream and run off]'' Wait! I want cookies! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

: '''Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap''': I just made 2 little girls scream and run away with their cookies. MOOD = Bummed
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hey, Andre.
:'''André''': Whassup, little red?
:'''Cat''': What's THAT supposed to mean?!
:'''André''': Uh, I dunno. Little red. You're little and you got red hair.
:'''Cat''': Oh, that's so creative! Do Tori now.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Cat and Trina are rapping in the car)''
:'''Cat and Trina''': You know I FLAUNT ya, 'cause girl I really WANT ya!
:'''Trina''': And you lookin' NICE.
:'''Cat''': Got me cooler than a bag of ICE.
:'''Both''': Now, FREEZE, freeze! ...Now go.
:'''Trina''': Drop it fast, then move it real slow.
:'''Both''': ''[they point at each other]'' Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, WHAT?
:'''Trina''': You smell so FRUITY... ''[Cat says nothing]'' Sing the next line!
:'''Cat''': I can't.
:'''Trina''': Why not?
:'''Cat''': It's dirty.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Marty''': All right, congratulations, everyone. Now before we go, just a couple of-- ''[the disco music turns on, and Sinjin is looking at them from the control floor]''
:'''Sinjin''': Don't fight it! ''[Tori and the rest of the group look with a &quot;whatever&quot; face and start dancing]''

==''Robarazzi''==

:''[Cat puts her Snowbee on the table. The rest of the group looks at it for a bit then continues eating]''
:'''Cat''': ...Don't you guys wanna know what that is?
:'''Jade''': Is it a transporter from the future that can beam you to another table, because if it is, what button do I push?
:'''Cat''': That's so hurtful! ''[sits down next to Tori]''
:'''Tori''': You know, you don't always have to be mean to everyone.
:'''Cat''': See? Tori's interested in my device!
:'''Tori''': I'm really not...
:'''André''': ''[puts his hand on Cat's shoulder]'' Aw, c'mon, little red, tell us about your doohicky.
:'''Cat''': Okay. It's called...the Snowbee! Watch. ''[presses a button, causing fake snow to fly all over the gang and their food]'' Wheee! ''[puts her hands up. Jade presses a button to shut it off]'' It makes pretend snow!
:'''André''': I see that.
:'''Beck''': It's all over my tostada.
:'''Tori''': And my pizza.
:'''Cat''': Well, don't eat it!
:'''Jade''': Why?
:'''Cat''': Because, it says the fake snow is toxic and can cause abdominal bleeding.
:''[Everyone pushes their lunches in the middle of the table]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': The seniors... the ones who run TheSlap...
:'''Cat''': Dot com?
:'''Robbie''': No, dot gov. YES, DOT COM!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Do you guys think that my blog on TheSlap is boring?
:'''Beck''': Hey, look, it's that guy over there!
:'''Cat''': It IS that guy!
:'''André''': Wait up, guy! ''[everyone walks out from the table except Tori and Robbie]''
:'''Jade''': There is no guy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Jade, Beck, Tori and Andre have just finished watching Robberazzi)''
:'''Tori''': He's a dead man!
:'''Jade''': Beck and I aren't splitting up!
:'''Beck''': Well...
:'''Jade''': Dude!
:'''Beck''': Kidding!
:'''Andre''': I use an appropriate amount of ketchup!
:'''Tori''': Let's go face this right now! ''(they all walk out, leaving Cat reading her catalog)'' Cat, are you coming?
:'''Cat''': Oh, my god!  Underwear that floats!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Um, do you think maybe you're buying...you know, too many things from Sky Store?
:'''Cat''': No! ''[starts to walk away but turns back]'' ...Oh, hey, can I borrow some money for lunch?
:'''Beck''': Uh, yeah. How much? ''[takes out his wallet]''
:'''Cat''': 49.95 plus shipping. ''[Beck looks at her confused]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[on Robarazzi, Cat is with a mailman]''
:'''Cat''': No! There were supposed to be two packages!
:'''Mailman''': I only got one.
:'''Cat''': It was supposed to get here on-- ''[notices someone is shooting her]'' Hey, why are you shooting this?! Who are you with?
:'''Recorder''': Robarazzi.
:'''Cat''': ''[frustrated]'' Ugh! ''[drops the package on the floor and walks off. Then it goes to the people in Robbie's office, where he is writing &quot;Cat: Sky Store&quot; on his board]''
:'''Robbie''': Girl's got a problem.
:'''Robarazzis''': No doubt.
:'''Robbie''': And uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PROBABLY NOT her natural hair color.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Beck and I...are NOT splitsville!
:'''Beck''': Well...
:'''Jade''': Is there something you want to talk about?!
:'''Beck''': Kidding!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, and uh, don't eat the snow unless you wanna bleed internally. ''[pats him on the back]''
:'''Robbie''': Okay... ''[she walks off]'' She's so cute...
:'''Rex''': Girl like that wants a man, not a boy.
:'''Robbie''': I'll get there!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Cat uses a device that turns Beck's pizza into juice]''
:'''Beck''': ...You juiced my pizza.
:'''Cat''': Why ''chew'' what you can drink?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[when Jade calls her on her phone]'' Who are you, and why is your number blocked?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Unbelievable! You guys have no idea how upset I am about...it snowed? In Los Angeles?!
:'''Rex''': I told you Global Warming was bogus!
:'''Robbie''': Stop watching Fox News!
:'''Rex''': No! It's fair and balanced.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[on Robarazzi, Beck and Jade are in Beck's car at night]''
:'''Beck''': Come on! Let's just go, it'll be fun.
:'''Jade''': No...
:'''Beck''': Why not?
:'''Jade''': 'Cause, I didn't shower this morning and I had tuna fish for lunch, and I-- ''[stops and looks behind her to see the recorder]'' There's a dude in the back seat! ''[the recorder starts to flee from them]''
:'''Beck''': What the-- hey man, what are you-- What are you doing?! This is MY car! Are you out of your mind?! I--
:'''Jade''': ''[at the same time]'' Get out! What's wrong with you?! Yeah, you better run or I'm gonna kill you! Can you believe this? ''[Tori angrily shuts her laptop]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hey Sinjin.
:'''Sinjin''': Yeah?
:'''Cat''': Do you have a girlfriend?
:'''Sinjin''': No.
:'''Cat''': You have a credit card?
:'''Sinjin''': Yeah...
:'''Cat''': ''[puts her hand on Sinjin's arm]'' Why don't you call me sometime?
:'''Sinjin''': Really?
:'''Cat''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Sinjin''': Okay. I'll go buy a phone!
:''(Sinjin runs off, Cat sits on the steps and pulls out a Sky Store catalog)''
:'''Cat''': Oh, my god! A litter box that plays classical music!

==''Survival of the Hottest''==

:''[at the beginning of the episode]''
:'''Tori''': Oh, my god! ''[she fans herself with her hand]'' I am so...hot!
:'''Rex''': Ain't that the truth.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
Tori: [feels Jade’s arm] your not sweaty?
:'''Jade''': Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
Tori: everyone sweats.
Beck and Andre: not Jade.
Robbie: Jade never sweats.
Tori: what are you cold blooded.
Rex: Jade cold blooded not a surprise.
Beck and Andre: [laugh]
Jade: [grabs a tube of sunscreen and squirts Rex in the face]
Rex: that witch got sunscreen in my eyes help me Rob.
:'''Cat''': Is it true that sweat and pee are, like, &quot;cousins&quot;?
:'''André''':...What now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beck''': Man, how long's this heat wave gonna last?
:'''Tori''': They say until Tuesday.
:'''Cat''': Why would they say that?!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': Hey...hey! Sinjin! He's face down in the kiddie pool!
:'''Jade''': ...Yep.
:'''André''': ''(checks his phone)'' It's cool; he's still got two minutes left. ''(Tori and Robbie hurry over to the kiddie pool)''
:'''Tori''': ''(turns Sinjinn over)'' Are you okay?! ''(he gargles)''
:'''Robbie''': Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth? ''(Sinjin gargles again)''
:'''Tori''': ...Nah, he's alright. ''(she flees)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(running out of trailer)'' Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee!!!
:'''Beck''': Hurry back!
:'''Cat''': ''(in the distance)'' Kay-kay!
:'''Jade''': She has the bladder of a squirrel.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori and the gang are preparing their beach stuff)''
:'''Andre''': Alright. It's starting to get hot in here.
:'''Tori''': Yeah! Let's go.
:'''Robbie''': Let's hit that beach! 
:'''Beck''': That's right, people. ''(Beck pushes the door, but it won't open)''
:'''Jade''': What's wrong?
:'''Beck''': I don't know. The door ''won't'' open. ''(Beck pushes the door again, but it won't open. The scene cuts outside. It turns out that a giant RV is parked right next to theirs.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(while trapped)'' WHERE IS CAT?
:'''Robbie''': She's been gone for over 20 minutes!
:'''Andre''': The girl only weighs 90 pounds.  How much pee can she hold?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[to Jade]'' Does it worry you that you never sweat?
:'''Jade''': No.
:'''Tori''': Well, what if, one day, all your sweat like, builds up inside, and you just explode?
:'''Jade''': ...I would love that.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Trina''': That's it, i'm calling her. What's Cat's number?
:'''Jade''': I already tried.
:'''Beck''': No signal.
:'''Andre''': Oh man, I told y'all not to get F-Mobile!
:'''Tori''': Well, where's your phone?
:'''Andre''': I left it in my pants, and my grandma washed it. All my contacts, GONE!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(Beck is still trying to push the door)''
:'''Jade''': Just open it!
:'''Beck''': Something's ''blocking'' the door. ''(Tori looks through the window)''
:'''Tori''': Oh, man. Some idiot parked a huge RV right next to us! 
:'''Trina''': Whatever. Let's just go out the back door.
:'''Beck''': There is no back door.
:'''Trina''': Well, that's stupid.
:'''Andre''': I'm getting very hot now.
:'''Robbie''': Would somebody open the window?
:'''Jade''': The windows are bulletproof. They don't open.
:'''Rex''': Oh, thanks a lot, Fat Biscuit!
:'''Jade''': What?!
:'''Rex''': I meant the rapper from whom Beck's daddy purchased this vehicle!
:'''Andre''': I'm getting hotter.
:'''Tori''': Just push on the door.
:'''Beck''': I can't push a 7000-pound RV out of the way.
:'''Tori''': Then push harder! ''(they started to argue)''
:'''Andre''': ALL RIGHT! Let's not bug out! ''(the argument stops)''
:'''Tori''': Dude, no one knows we're trapped in this toaster oven!
:'''Andre''': Cat just went to the bathroom. She's gonna be back in a few minutes, then she can start becks truck and then pull us forward so we can get out.
:'''Rex''': Good point.
:'''Jade''': Okay. ''(they sit in the sofa to wait for Cat)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(the gang start to use Tori's very small fan)''
:'''Jade''': At least it oscillates.
:'''Andre''': Um. I'm still not happy.
:'''Trina''': I'm so hot. 
:'''Robbie''': Where could Cat be?
:'''Tori''': I hope she's okay.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(the gang are still using Tori's little fan)''
:'''Andre''': ''(the fan starts to slow down)'' Uh uh. Uh uh.
:'''Tori''': It's slowing down! ''(the fan stops and everyone groans)''
:'''Robbie''': '''NOOOO!!!!!!''' ''(Robbie gets the fan and starts spinning it)'' Come on, fan! Work!
:'''Beck''': Robbie! 
:'''Robbie''': Work!
:'''Beck''': Robbie! 
:'''Robbie''': Spin!
:'''Beck''': Stop! 
:'''Robbie''': You can come work!
:'''Beck''': Robbie! Robbie! Stop it!
:'''Robbie''': '''NO! I NEED IT! I NEED IT!'''
:'''Beck''': '''THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD!''' Robbie, stop!
:'''Robbie''': Oscillate! Spin!
:'''Beck''': ''(shakes Robbie)'' '''IT'S OVER!!!''' ''(Robbie gets up, yelling indistinctly and then buries his head in the pillow while screaming)''
:'''Andre''': '''''I'M EXTREMELY HOT NOW!!!'''''
:'''Trina''': We got to get out of this stupid RV! ''(Beck looks at her)'' Yeah, offense!
:'''Tori''': Well, at least. We have to find something to drink!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(being sprayed by water guns)'' It's so cold! It's so cold!
:''(scene cuts to the RV, where Tori is on the floor and raises her head)''
:'''Tori''': '''IT'S ''SO HOT!!!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Boy''': You spun a beautiful pot.
:'''Cat''': You helped me spin it.
:'''Boy''': ''(suggestively)'' Later we'll glaze it.
:'''Cat''': ...Thank you. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': For so many years I prayed every night to be hotter. ''(pauses)'' '''''...THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': '''YOU HAD WATER...THIS ENTIRE TIME...YOU YOU DIDN'T SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF US?!'''
:'''Trina''': If I shared it, I wouldn't have had as much for me!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''(sweating)'' Okay. Okay. Something's dripping on me. Something's dripping on me.
:'''Beck''': ''(goes to Jade)'' Not-not-nothing's dripping.
:'''Jade''': Yes! Look on my arm. See? ''(holds her forehead)'' And on my forehead. What's going on?! What's happening?!
:'''Beck''': You're sweating.
:'''Jade''': NO! No, I'm not. I don't sweat! I'm not sweating! 
:'''Beck''': Okay.
:'''Jade''': NO! ''(Beck holds her arms)''
:'''Beck''': Look at me!
:'''Jade''': NO!
:'''Beck''': '''''LOOK AT ME!'''''
:'''Jade''': '''WHAT?'''
:'''Beck''': You're '''''sweating.''' (Jade squeals and falls on the floor)''
:'''Jade''': '''WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!'''
:'''Tori''': Yeah. Thank you, Catherine Obvious!
:'''Trina''': ...What?
:'''Tori''': I said thank you, Catherine Obvious!
:'''Robbie''': ''(still crying)'' Did she say &quot;Catherine&quot; Obvious?
:'''Andre''': It's Captain Obvious.
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Jade''': The expression is ''&quot;Thank You, Captain Obvious&quot;''.
:'''Tori''': It's not Catherine?
:'''Trina''': No.
:'''Beck''': Who would Catherine be?
:'''Tori''': ...Catherine could be a captain!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Robbie''': These fish mock me.
:'''Trina''': How dare they swim around, enjoying that filthy water.
:'''Robbie''': I'm gonna drink that filthy water. ''[the others try to talk him out of it]'' WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?!?!?!?!
:'''Beck''': It's his call.
:''[Robbie dips his head into the fish tank and gulps some water. After a few seconds, he takes his glasses out of the fish tank.]''
:'''Andre''': Well?
:''[Robbie grabs Trina's bag and vomits in it, as she pokes at him.]''
:'''Trina''': That's my bag!
:'''Robbie''': ''[after he is done vomiting]'' ...Don't drink the fish water. ''[throws bag at Trina]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Well, can we at least turn on the air conditioning?
:'''Beck''': The AC doesn't work unless the truck is running.
:'''Trina''': Then go start the truck!
:'''Beck''': I can't ''get'' out!
:'''Trina''': Ohhhhh, why did you invite me here?!?!
:'''Tori''': We didn't!
:'''Robbie''': You invited yourself!
:'''Jade''': NO ONE LIKES YOU!
:'''Andre''': I'm feeling very hot now!!!!
:'''Robbie''': ''(looks at the thermometer)'' Guys! It's 102° in here! ''(everyone groans)''
:'''Tori''': I need a cold drink.
:'''Beck''': ''(stands up)'' Me too.
:'''Tori''': Where are they?
:'''Beck''': ''In'' the truck.
:'''Trina''': What are we gonna do?
:'''Tori''': '''''CCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!''' [everybody joins Tori] '''CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''André''': ''[on the ground]'' Okay...it's official. I have achieved maximum hot-itude!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[after everyone is free from the RV and happily reunites with Cat]''
:'''Cat''': Wow, you guys really miss me! ...Ew, Jade, you're all sweaty.
:'''Jade''': '''NEVER SPEAK OF IT!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Black man''': Hey, Fat Biscuit.
:'''Fat Biscuit''': What's up?
:'''Black man''': Isn't this your old RV? With the bullet-proof windows. ''(points at Beck's RV)''
:'''Fat Biscuit''': Yeah! I think it is.
:'''Black man''': We had some times in that thing.
:'''Fat Biscuit''': ''(laughs)'' ...Don't talk about it. ''(the three walk off, and the episode ends)''

==''Wi-Fi in the Sky''==
:'''Trina''': Hey Tori... hey!
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Trina''': Is this chicken? ''(shows Tori an odd-looking food)''
:'''Tori''': ''(sniffing)'' I think it might be a pineapple... or part of a thumb.
:'''Trina''': ''(groans)'' I can't eat airplane food too gross. Ugh! (dumps her airplane food essentials on Tori's tray table)
:'''Tori''': And why is this now on my tray table? 
:'''Trina''': Cause I'm done with it.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Trina''':  ''(looks from behind)'' Hey kid I told you to stop kicking my seat. 
:'''Little Boy''': So? ''(continues kicking Trina's seat)''
:'''Trina''': Stop that! 
:'''Little Boy''': You're not the queen of this plane.
:'''Trina''': ''(to the little boy's dad)'' Excuse me will you please do something about your son.
:'''Little Boy's Dad''': Will you stop kicking her seat?
:'''Little Boy''': No.
:'''Little Boy's Dad''': ''(shrugs at Trina)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(checks the time)'' Aww great, 3 and a 1/2 hour late.
:'''Trina''': Why do you care?
:'''Tori''': I'm supposed to meet Andre, Beck, and Cat to write a script for class it's due in the morning.
:'''Trina''': What teacher?
:'''Tori''': Gradstein.
:'''Trina''': Ooh, he's tough.
:'''Tori''': No chiz.
:'''Trina''': What is &quot;chiz&quot; anyway?
:'''Tori''': Andre thinks it's a German sausage. ''(Trina looks confused)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': Excuse me?
:'''Flight Attendant''': Yes?
:'''Tori''': Does this plane have WiFi?
:'''Flight Attendant''': No but we do have wireless internet service.
:'''Tori''': That's what Wifi is.
:'''Flight Attendant''': Please don't give me attitude. ''(walks away)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Trina''': ''(kicks Trina's seat)'' Did you just kick my seat again?
:'''Little Boy''': Why don't you ask your butt?
:'''Trina''': Look, if you don't knock it off, I'm gonna tell the flight attendant. 
:'''Little Boy''': Ooh, you're a scary witch.
:'''Trina''': I wish I was a witch 'cause I would take my broomstick and I would-
:'''Tori''': Trina, sit. ''(Trina sits back down)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Trina''': (reaches for a button) I need some more air. 
:'''Tori''': You have a pimple under your arm. 
:'''Trina''': Don't talk about it!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Andre''': Tori Vega, what's up?
:'''Tori''': Hey, I'm on the plane. 
:'''Andre''': You're on the plane? Well if I were you I'd get in the plane (laughs as Tori looks confused)
:'''Andre''': (serious) So you're on the plane?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
Tori: it doesn’t land intill 11:14pm.
Andre: but we have to write the paper for our class.
Cat: hi
Beck: You requested to see my face?
Andre, Tori and Cat: who’s dog is that?
Tori: is it yours?
Beck: no it’s my neighbor's who is a cheerleader.
Andre: my neighbor is a one legged man who chases me around.
:'''Trina''': Will you pop this for me?
:'''Tori''': No.
:'''Trina''': I let you borrow my green sweater last week. 
:'''Tori''': And that means I should pop your pit pimple?
:'''Trina''': Yes, we're sisters, if you had a pit pimple, I'd-(little boy kicks Trina's seat again)
:'''Trina''': Quit kicking my seat!
:'''Little Boy''': (mocking) Quit kicking my seat!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Flight Attendant''': Your desserts. (hands Tori and Trina an odd-looking dessert)
:'''Trina''': What is this?
:'''Flight Attendant''': I dunno pudding.
:'''Trina''': Aww, it's got fur on it.
:'''Tori''': (giggles) Just like your pimple (Trina look offended while Andre grossed out)
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Trina''': Hey, are you gonna eat your pudding!
:'''Tori''': You ate yours?
:'''Trina''': Yeah, I just scraped the fur right off the top, it wasn't bad
:'''Tori''': ''(disgusted but hands Trina her pudding)'' Go nuts. ''(Trina takes the pudding)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==''Beck's Big Break''==

:'''Tori''': Hey, hey! Look what I got!
:'''Andre''': A piccolo?
:'''Tori''': It's my new instrument.
:'''Cat''': I thought you were learing to play the fr-
:'''Tori''': ''It didn't work out!!!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(Festus gives Tori the turkey sandwich she asked for)''
:'''Tori''': I thought you said you only had burritos?
:'''Festus''': What are you, a lawyer?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''André''': What's shakin, bacon?
:'''Tori''': Oh, they don't have bacon.
:'''Chef''': Just burritos!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ...Was my piccolo playing that bad?
:'''Cat''': Yeah... ''(she rubs Tori's hair)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I say we celebrate...piccolo style. ''(starts to play, but Beck silences her)''
:'''Beck''': No, no... ''(takes the piccolo from Tori's hand)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': What did you do to my pants?!
:'''Sikowitz''': Good! Now, terrified!
:'''Tori''': ''WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PANTS?!?!''
:'''Sikowitz''': Falling off a cliff!
:'''Tori''': WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS?!?!
:'''Sikowitz''': Excellent. Now, as you can see, the same dialogue can evoke an infinite number of emotions, depending upon how the actor chooses to play it. Like a robot.
:'''Tori''': ''(imitating a robot)'' What... did you do... to my pants...?
:'''Sikowitz''': Wrong! Robots don't wear pants... it was a trick.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Officer''': What's your name?
:'''Tori''': Oh! I'm...uh...I'm... ''(sees a water jug that reads &quot;Crystal Waters&quot;)'' Crystal Waters. It's okay, I'm on the movie.
:'''Officer''': Crystal Waters? I don't remember seeing the name Crystal Waters-
:'''Cat''': ''(runs out from the back)'' I CAN'T FIND MY MOTHER! ''(grabs the officer by the shirt)'' HELP ME FIND MY MOTHER, PLEASE! MOMMMMMMMM! MOMMMMMMMMMMMM-
:'''Officer''': Shut up; we'll find your mama! ''(he and Cat walk off. Cat winks to Tori)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Sinjin slaps a bee on Andrè's shoulder)''
:'''André''': Ow! What was that for?
:'''Sinjin''': There was a bee on your shoulder.
:'''André''': And you killed it before it could sting me?! Thanks a lot, man.
:'''Sinjin''': What did I do?
:'''André''': No, just go on. Get out of here!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''André''': Did you meet Melinda Murray?
:'''Beck''': No.
:'''André''': I bet SHE'S been stung by a bee...
:'''Beck''': You can ask her yourself.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''(upon seeing Tori and Beck hugging)'' 1... 2... Don't make me get to 3! ''(Beck unhugs from Tori)'' Better!

==''The Great Ping-Pong Scam''==

:'''Cat''': Oh, you have Mexican flavored gum?
:'''Tori''': Mexican's not a flavor!
:'''Sinjin''': Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap''': Jade's dress feels...warm.  MOOD = Jaded
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori kisses Sinjin on his cheek as her thanks for agreeing to help her)''
:'''Sinjin''': Here comes that feeling.
:'''Tori''': ''(pokes her head back in)'' I heard that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Read the phone, Tori!  Read the phone!
:'''Tori''': Don't you steal my phone in face bit!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(after the long flashback)'' So, you guys formed a fake ping pong team so you could get some money, buy a trophy for the school, save the principal's job, and take Sikowitz out for a big fancy dinner? 
:'''Andre''': ''[pause]'' Yeah, I guess we could've just told it that way. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': YES, I'm wearing a ping pong jacket!
:'''André''': How could you not think to bring a fancy dress?
:'''Tori''': I don't know. I just didn't, okay?
:'''Beck''': You said you reminded everyone to bring nice clothes.
:'''Jade''': I did.
:'''Tori''': You didn't remind me!
:'''Jade''': ''(sarcastically)'' Whoops!

==''Cat's New Boyfriend''==
:'''Jade''': So, who's that?
:'''Tori''': Um, this is Danny.
:'''Daniel''': Hey.
:'''Beck''': S'up.
:'''Jade''': Why are you talking to Tori?
:'''Tori''': He goes to my old school.
:'''Daniel''': Sherwood.
:'''Tori''': He...was my boyfriend.
:'''Daniel''': Girlfriend.
:'''Jade''': So, why'd you dump her?
:'''Beck''': Jade...
:'''Jade''': Can I guess? Because I got a ''lotta'' guesses.
:'''Daniel''': Well, actually...
:'''Tori''': You don't have to...
:'''Daniel''': Tori broke up with me.
:'''Jade''': Oh. And how did you celebrate?
:'''Tori''': Do you ever take a day off? ''(Jade smiles)''
:'''Beck''': So, whatcha doin' here?
:'''Tori''': Yeah, what are you doing here?
:'''Daniel''': Well, I've kinda been dating this girl that goes here, and I, uh, was supposed to meet her-
:'''Cat''':''(screams and runs in)'' Daniel!!! ''(she runs into his arms and they kiss)'' This is the guy I've been telling you about! My boyfriend!
:'''Tori''': ''(rolls eyes)'' Oh...
:'''Cat''': Daniel, these are my friends. Beck, Jade, and that's Tori.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, we...we've met.
:'''Cat''': Really? You know Daniel?
:'''Jade''': Oh, she ''knows'' Daniel.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(awkward)'' So...
:'''Daniel''': ''(also awkward)'' So...
:'''Jade''': ''(evil smile)'' So...
:'''Cat''': How come everyone's being all weird?
:'''Jade''': I'll tell her!
:'''Beck''': No, you won't.
:'''Tori''': Cat, I used to go to Sherwood, with Danny, before I came to school here.
:'''Cat''': Oh, so you guys were friends?
:'''Jade''': Yeah, they were ''good'' friends.
:'''Cat''': Uh, I'm confused.
:'''Tori''': Danny and I used to date. ''(Cat gasps)''
:'''Beck''': ''(to Jade)'' Why don't we walk over to some other location?
:'''Cat''': Ok, wait, so like you and Tori were like...
:'''Daniel''': Girlfriend.
:'''Tori''': Boyfriend.
:'''Cat''': So...
:'''Daniel''': Please don't feel weird about this.
:'''Tori''': You really shouldn't. We broke up a year ago.
:'''Daniel''': Yeah, a year.
:'''Tori''': It's only been eleven months.
:'''Daniel''': What difference does it make?
:'''Tori''': Forget it! The point is, I'm totally cool with you guys dating.
:'''Daniel''': And I'm totally cool that you two are friends.
:'''Cat''': Well, ok then. It's all happy!
:'''Tori''': Ok.
:'''Jade''': I'm bored now. ''(walks away)''
:'''Beck''': I apologize for... her. ''(walks away also)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Fifty bucks.
:'''Robbie''': Seems expensive.
:'''Trina''': You want gross, crunchy feet? 'Cause girls don't dig that! ''(he reluctantly gives her the money)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Hello, girls!  Can you believe I scored tickets to Hall and Oates?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''(while Cat and Daniel are dancing)'' Daniel ever spin you like that?
:'''Tori''': You wanna get slapped with a sausage?
:'''Jade''': ''(thinking)'' Sure. ''(pushes her face towards Tori's expectantly)''
:'''Tori''': No!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(at Hollywood Arts' &quot;Kick Back&quot; party)''&lt;br&gt;''(Tori watches Cat and Daniel kiss for a couple of seconds from across the cheese fountain)''&lt;br&gt;''(Tori, out of jealousy, swiftly walks to the cheese fountain and turns the lever; the cheese expands and sprays all over Cat and Daniel)''
:'''Sikowitz''': What the hairballs?! ''(unplugs the water fountain)''
:'''Daniel''': ''(in anger)'' You got cheese in our hair!
:'''Cat''': Tori!
:'''Daniel''': Why did you do that?!
:'''Tori''': I don't- I don't know! I was just- ''(runs off with the sausage still in her hand; Cat starts crying and runs off with Daniel)''
:'''Sikowitz''': You see? This is what happens when you mix teenagers and hot cheese. ''(to Lane)''  I warned you.  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Beck and Jade look for Tori in the Black Box Theatre)''
:'''Beck''': Tori! Yo, Tori!
:'''Jade''': We saw you run in here!
:'''Beck''': What's with all that stuff?
:'''Jade''': Sinjin and his friends are putting on a play about a camping trip gone wrong.
:'''Beck''': Gone wrong?
:'''Jade''': They end up eating each other, I don't know!
:'''Beck''': Tori! Tori! Yo, Tori!
:''(Jade throws a broom at the tent on the stage)''
:'''Tori''': ''(from inside the tent)'' Ow!!!
:'''Jade''': ''(sing-song)'' Toooooori!  Come out to plaaaaaay!
:'''Tori''': Leave me alone.
:'''Beck''': What up with the hot cheese attack on Cat?
:'''Jade''': And her boyfriend, Daniel.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(after Cat sees Tori kissing Daniel and leaves)''
:'''Robbie''': Hey! Do either of you guys know what kind of meat Sikowitz uses in this sausage? I asked him and he just started laughing like, ''(he laughs like a maniac; Tori runs off)'' Bye!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Okay. I have left her five voice mails and sent her twelve text messages. Why won't Cat talk to me?!?
:'''André''': 'Cause you squirted hot cheese in her ear!
:'''Robbie''': And played smushy face with her boyfriend.
:'''Jade''': Those things upset some girls.
:'''Trina''': ''(to Tori)'' You wanna try the pooka fish?
:'''Tori''': You got rice and soy sauce?
:'''Trina''': No.
:'''Tori''': Then no!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Let me out!
:'''Tori''': Cat!
:'''Cat''': This is kidnapping! ...Or cat-napping! ''(laughs)'' Open the door!
:'''Tori''': I'm sorry! And I'm not just saying I'm sorry, I'm really, really, seriously sorry.
:'''Cat''': You sprayed cheese on me and then kissed my boyfriend
:'''Tori''': ''(ashamed of herself)'' Yeah. Yeah I did.
:'''Cat''': Why would you be mean to me?
:'''Tori''': I don't know. Maybe I did still have a few tiny little feelings left for Danny and maybe that's why I went a little crazy, seeing you two being all mushy together.
:'''Cat''': You could've just talked to me about it.
:'''Tori''': I know. What I did was terrible and awful and immature and you have '''''every''''' right to be furious with me. I swear, Cat, if I were you, i'd just punch me right in the face. ''(Cat retaliates and punches Tori in her nose)'' '''OWWWWWW!''' Cat!
:'''Cat''': What?
:'''Tori''': You just punched me in the face!
:'''Cat''': ''(innocently)'' You said to.
:'''Tori''': I know, but that's just something people say wh&amp;ndash;'''OWWWWWWW!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Is it broken?
:'''Hospital lady''': I don't think so. ''(feels nose)'' Just bruised...how'd this happen?
:'''Tori''': I uh, fell.
:'''Hospital lady''': On what?
:'''Tori''': Something hard.
:'''Cat''': Like a rock.
:'''Hospital lady''': We should get you x-rayed, take a seat over there.

==''Freak the Freak Out''==

:'''Trina''': ''(about Mark)'' HE is ridiculously hot! Everybody says he's an awesome kisser!
:'''David''': Make sure he knows...''(into the phone, to Mark)'' I'm a cop.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Tori's phone goes off in the middle of class)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Tori...
:'''Tori''': I swear, I thought I had it on vibrate...
:'''Sikowitz''': Class is no place for swearing or vibrating!
:'''Cat''': Thanks a lot, Tori. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cat''': I get nervous when my brother eats things that aren't food. ...Seriously, I think he ate my charm bracelet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, I wish I could go to Karaoke Dokie!
:'''Beck''': Why can't you?
:'''Jade''': Who cares why she can't?
:'''Beck''': I was just wondering why she-
:'''Jade''': What, you need Tori around to have a good time, is that your point?
:'''Beck''': Dude!
:'''Jade''': WHAT?
:'''Sikowitz''': JADE! ''(turns to her)'' You're lucky to HAVE Beck. Don't be such a GANK! ''(Tori smirks)''
:'''Cat''': So, why can't you come?
:'''Tori''': Oh, Trina's getting her dumb wisdom teeth out today and guess who gets to spend the entire weekend taking care of her?
:'''Cat''': Okay, um...is it someone famous?
:'''Tori''': No! ME!
:'''Andre''': Why can't your parents take care of her?
:'''Tori''': 'Cause they're gonna be in Santa Barbara.
:'''Andre''': What for?
:'''Tori''': So they don't have to take care of Trina!
:'''Beck''': Can't blame 'em.
:'''Jade''': Shucks to be you.
:'''Tori''': ''(to Jade)'' Gank.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hayley''': ''(to Beck)'' You have insane hair.
:'''Beck''': Yeah, my hair ''was'' normal, then one day it just went insane. Sad story.
:'''Hayley''': I like your story.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Um, hi? Miss?
:'''Hayley''': What?
:'''Cat''': He has a girlfriend.
:'''Hayley''': I don't see her.
:'''Jade''': ''(From behind her)'' Turn around. ''(Hayley turns around)'' Now you see her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Cat and Jade approach Hayley and Tara)''
:'''Hayley''': Oh, it's you two. I thought I smelled failure.
:'''Cat''': Then you must have been sniffing yourselves! ''(to Jade)'' Pretty good, huh? 
:'''Jade''': For you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''André''': Hey, look what they got on the menu! Buffalo nuggets! Well that's good news... ''(laughs)'' Not for the buffalo...
:'''Hayley''': So...Hollywood Arts...you girls gonna sing tonight?
:'''Jade''': Well, we didn't come for the buffalo nuggets.
:'''Beck''': But we are gonna get some, right?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jade''': I'm gonna get a soda. ''(starts to walk away with her cup)''
:'''André''': Get me one?
:'''Jade''': No.
:'''André''': She can be a gank.
:'''Beck''': You have no idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cat''': I like Japan. 'Cept my brother got stabbed there once. It was an accident. He's better now. Are buffalo nuggets spicy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Hayley and Tara walk onstage, about to sing)''
:'''Hayley''': Enjoy us!
:'''Jade''': ''(waves her purse at them)'' Enjoy my monkey fur!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Jade''': YEAH! We're clapping because it's over!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(At the Vega household)''
:'''Tori''': Okay, it says that you're supposed to take one of these antibiotics every six hours.
:'''Trina''': Uh-uh!
:'''Tori''': Okay, open your mouth.
:'''Trina''': I don't want that! ''[she whimpers]''
:'''Tori''': You have to take it or you'll get an infection. 
:'''Trina''': No Tori! I don't want it!
:'''Tori''': Yes you have to take it, put it in your mouth, put it in your mouth ''(says this while Tori tries to get the pill into Trina's mouth as she is struggling)''
:''(Trina flings the bottle of pills across the room and whimpers)''
:'''Tori''': Trina! ''(goes to retrieve the bottle)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Back at Tori and Trina's house)''
:'''Tori''': You gotta take this!
:'''Trina''': No! 
:'''Tori''': Yes! 
:'''Trina''': No! ''(Trina swings her arm toward Tori and Tori ducks)''
:'''Tori''': Did you just swing on me? 
:'''Trina''': ''(breathing on her hair)'' Maybe.
:'''Tori''': ''(fixes her messed up hair and yells)'' Take the pill!
:'''Trina''': ''(screams)'' No! ''(Tori tussles with Trina trying to force the pill into her mouth)''
:'''Tori''': Yes you have to take it, put it in your mouth, I don't care what you say. ''(continues to tussle Trina with her arm around her neck and hair while Trina tries to get her arm off)'' 
:'''Tori''': Take the antibiotic, there we go, get it in ha, ha! ''(Trina whimpers as Tori grabs a water bottle)'' Now swallow it!
:'''Trina''': ''(Tori dumps the water all over her while protesting)'' No!
:'''Tori''': ''(continues dumping water all over Trina)'' That's right, get it down there, aha!
:'''Trina''': ''(groans and strains after Tori dumps water all over her)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hayley''': HEY! We won...'cause WE rock.
:'''Cat''': Yeah, don't believe everything your daddy says!
:'''Jade''': Like when he tells you you're pretty! ''(Hayley gasps)''
:'''Robbie''': YEAH!
:'''Rex''': Testify!
:'''Hayley''': Okay, that's it! You guys are banned from singing here ever again!
:'''Jade''': Yeah, like we care!
:'''Beck''': Come on, let's get out of here.
:'''André''': Let's bail!
:'''Waitress''': ''(comes out from behind)'' Okay, I have your nachos...your sliders...and the buffalo nuggets. ''(puts them on their table separately, then walks off)''
:'''André''': I say we get out of here...RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS FOOD! ''(the group sits back at the table)'' Pass the ranch dressing!
:'''Jade''': Here!
:'''Cat''': KETCHUP!
:'''Beck''': Coming at'cha!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hi.
:'''Jade''': Hello.
:'''Cat''': We brought you frozen yogurt.
:'''Tori''': Why? You know, frozen yogurt doesn't solve all the world's problems!
:'''Jade''': I told you to bring donuts!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': So what's up?
:'''Jade''': Last night, when we went to Karaoke Dokie.
:'''Cat''': These two girls were really mean to us.
:'''Tori''': Like... &quot;Jade-level&quot; mean?
:'''Cat''': No, no, that mean, but really mean.
:'''Jade''': And they cheated.
:'''Cat''': So cheated.
:'''Jade''': And they were totally trashing Hollywood Arts.
:'''Tori''': Really?
:'''Cat''': What's on your arm?
:'''Tori''': Trina's mouth blood.
:'''Cat''': Ewwwww!
:'''Jade''': Cool. ''(Tori stares at her confused)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Who texted?
:'''Andre''': Tori.
:'''Beck''': What'd she say?
:'''Andre''': &quot;Need you, Beck and Robbie to...take care of Trina 'till midnight.&quot;
:'''Beck''': Gross, no.
:'''Robbie''': I'm not spending my Saturday night here with Trina!
:'''Trina''': SOMEBODY has to stay with me!
:'''Robbie''': Ow, you're biting, you're biting! Ohhhh-
:'''Beck''': Come on, we're leaving. ''(his phone rings)''
:'''Andre''': Who texted you?
:'''Beck''': Jade.
:'''Andre''': What'd she say?
:'''Beck''': &quot;Hey, babe, you can't leave Tori's house; I took your car keys.&quot; ''(throws his phone annoyed)''
:'''Robbie''': ''(takes his fingers out of Trina's mouth)'' Ew. Gum blood! ''(rubs it on her hair)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Cat makes a weird face at Hayley and Tara)'' 
:'''Jade''': Don't make that face. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andre''': How could you leave us to take care of that monster?
:''(Trina moans, offended)''
:'''Andre''': Yeah, I said monster!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(David enters the house with his suitcase, sees Trina fighting with Hayley and Tara and watches them for a moment)''
:'''David''': ''(to Holly who is outside)'' Honey, get back in the car!

==''Rex Dies''==

:'''Tori''': ''[pretending to eat]'' How's your﻿ eggplant?
:'''Beck''': ''[pretending to eat also]'' It's fine. How's your spaghetti?
:'''Tori''': ''[stops eating and gets mad]'' I hate you!
:'''Beck''': Why?
:'''Tori''': I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!
:'''Beck''': What's the difference?
:'''Tori'''': Spagettini is a very thin noodle, spaghetti is a relatively fat noodle. We've been over this!
:'''Beck''': I forgot.
:'''Tori''': I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?
:'''Sikowitz''': And...done!
:'''Beck''': We're done?
:'''Tori''': But we still have a few more lines.
:'''Sikowitz''': No, I meant this is done. ''(holds up jar)''
:'''Andre''': What is that?
:'''Sikowitz''': Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.
:'''Jade''': You make your own butter?
:'''Sikowitz''': Indeed.
:'''Robbie''': Is it good?
:'''Sikowitz''': I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!
:'''Beck''': ''(to Tori)'' If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -
:'''Tori''': ''(holds up hands)'' I don't know. I don't care.
:'''Sikowitz:''': Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.
:''(everyone stares and waits for him to continue)''
:'''Andre''': Well?
:'''Sikowitz''': Well, what?
:'''Andre''': You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?
:'''Sikowitz:''': ''(in a &quot;you talked me into it&quot; tone)'' All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning.  The two lead roles will be played by...''(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps)'' Andre and Robbie!
:'''Andre''': Cool!
:'''Robbie''': Hot beef!
:'''Rex''': Aw, would anyone ''else'' like to be my guardian?
:'''Cat''': Did any of the rest of us get parts?
:'''Sikowitz''': Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?
:'''Cat''': ''(giggles)'' She is!
:'''Sikowitz''': Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew.  Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.
:'''Jade''': Lighting?
:'''Sikowitz''': Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.
:'''Tori''': Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.
:'''Sinjin''': We'll teach you. ''(they leer at Tori)''
:'''Tori''': ''(somewhat disgusted)''...Lookin' forward to it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Cat''': So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...
:'''Robbie''': Oh yes...I did.
:'''Andre''': So, how'd it-
:'''Trina''': ''(walking by)'' Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.
:'''Andre''': So, your date with Jessica.
:'''Robbie''': ''AWE-some''!
:'''Tori''': Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.
:'''Robbie''': What'd she write?
:'''Tori''': It was kinda mean.
:'''Andre''': Read it! ''(Cat laughs)''
:'''Tori''': &quot;Last night: Worst date ever.&quot;
:'''Robbie''': Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.
:'''Tori''': &quot;Dude brought a puppet.&quot;
:'''Rex''': A puppet?
:'''Robbie''': Oh, she ''was'' talking about me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Do me a flavor, put this credit card back in Mom's purse? ''(gives it to Tori)''
:'''Tori''': ''(puts it in her back pocket)'' Why do I have to put this credit card back in-oh...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': I love that they call this a catwalk.
:''(Jade looks at her)''
:'''Cat''': Because my name is Cat, and look! I'm walking! ''[starts walking]'' Walkin' on the catwalk.
:'''Jade''': If someone was pushed off this catwalk and landed on the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?
:'''Cat''': Why are﻿ you asking that?
:'''Jade''': No reason.
:''(Cat gasps and runs out)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Alright everyone, we have 20 minutes before our play begins! WHERE is my coconut milk? ''(drinks it)''
:'''Beck''': ...You're drinking it!
:'''Sikowitz''': So am I.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap''': At the hospital with a sick friend. Well, not really a &quot;friend&quot;...more like a...uh, nevermind. FEELING Conflicted
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Rex is in a hospital bed)''
:'''Tori''': Wow, that looks so real.
:'''Doctor''': So when this Robbie kid gets here-
:'''Beck''': You say that Rex isn't doing well, let him say goodbye, and then beeeep. Dead Rex.
:'''Doctor''': ''(pause)'' Why can't my son be handsome like you?
:'''Jade''': ''[holds up jar]'' What's this?
:'''Doctor''': Oh, just a fatty lump I removed from a cab driver's back. 
:'''Jade''': Can I have it?
:'''Doctor''': ''(incredulously)'' What school do you kids go to? ''[Jade takes the jar, smiling]'' I have to go see another patient, I'll be back in twenty minutes.
:'''Beck''': Why do you want it?
:'''Jade''': I like to look at it. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie sees Rex on the hospital bed)''
:'''Robbie''': Is he gonna be ok?
:'''Doctor''': I'm afraid his injuries are very serious.
:'''Beck''': They don't think he's gonna make it.
:'''Andre''': What in the name of Nancy's going on here?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Nurse''': I don't know why your uncle would soak his feet in chicken fat. ''(pause)'' Why are you here?
:'''Cat''': Oh, cause this puppet had a really bad accident and got hurt, but he doesn't like to be called a puppet.
:'''Nurse''': Mmmhmm. And, uh, how did this &quot;puppet&quot; get hurt?
:'''Cat''': See, well, my friend Tori was trying to make a tornado happen, but she did it wrong, so the puppet flew across the room into a big jet fan!
:'''Nurse''': Oooh, a flying puppet!
:'''Cat''': Yeah.
:'''Nurse''': That's too bad. ''(to an orderly)'' William, would you please take this young woman to our &quot;special room&quot; in section D?
:'''William''': ''(knowingly)'' Of course. ''(takes Cat's arm)'' Come along.
:'''Cat''': Ooh, an adventure!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up!
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Jade''': Where are you all going?
:'''Cat''': To a hospital.
:'''Tori''': Cat!
:'''Beck''': We're not really going to the hospital. It's a puppet.
:'''Cat''': Not to Robbie.
:'''Jade''': You know what, maybe we should take Rex to the hospital.
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''Jade''': So he can die there.
:'''Cat''': Jade...
:'''Jade''': It's not good for a sixteen year old guy to go through life with his hand shoved up a...that.  Maybe this happened for a reason.
:'''Tori''': But if Rex dies, Robbie's gonna-
:'''Jade''': Get over it? Become a normal person? Yeah, that'd be tragic. 
:'''Beck''': She's got a point.
:'''Cat''': I used to think my Uncle Jesse was a normal person, but then I found out that every Sunday he soaks his feet in chicken fat. ''(they all look at Cat)''
:'''Tori''': ''(after a pause)'' Let's take Rex to the hospital.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(The doctor gives his conditions for setting up Rex's deathbed)''
:'''Doctor''': I have a sixteen year old son, his name is Lendel, and well...he's a loser.  Would you go out on a date with him?
:'''Tori''': How much of a loser? ''(doctor pulls out his wallet and shows picture)'' Oh, my god!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Don't turn on 21.
:'''Cat''':  Don't what?
:'''Jade''': Turn on 21.
:'''Cat''':  21 on!
:'''Jade''': No, Cat! ''[gets shocked from the wires] '' Cat! 
:'''Cat''':  What?
:'''Jade''': You just shocked me! 
:'''Cat''': I'm sorry!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''' Somebody's gotta take Rex to the hospital.
:'''Tori''': I'll take him.
:'''Beck''': I'll drive.
:'''Cat''': I'll go, too.
:'''Jade''': Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. ''(Andre enters)''
:'''Andre''': All right, all right.  Showtime!  ''(pause, looks around)'' What'd I miss?
:'''Sinjin''': Tori tried to murder Rex.
:'''Tori''': Sinjin! ''(holds out arms)'' Here, let me take him.
:'''Robbie''': No!
:'''Cat''': We'll take him to the hospital.
:'''Robbie''': Ok.
:'''Tori''': ''(takes Rex)'' I got him.
:'''Robbie''': Take care of him. 
:'''Tori''': I promise. ''(Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)''
:'''Jade''': Well, I'm not missing this. ''[follows Tori, Cat and Beck]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Realio dealio?
:'''Cat''': I think that's Spanish for &quot;real deal&quot;.
:'''Rex''': And what's Spanish for dizzy redhead?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(hits her head with the red cubes on her hands)'' Bonk..bonk. Hey, this really works! It doesn't hurt at all! ''(hits her head over and over again)'' Bonk, bonk, bonkity bonk bonk. Oh, ''(stands up)'' I'm Cube Fist Man! Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk! ''(giggles)''

==''The Diddly-Bops''==

:'''Jade''': I'll give you this dollar to get to the point.
:'''Sikowitz''': I couldn't possibly take your money... ''(takes the dollar from Jade's hands)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': How would you teenagers like to do something for money?
:'''Tori''': ''[after a pause]'' Can we have some details first? 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andrè''': ''[singing and playing piano]'' My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose. Everyone you know has a nose, nose, nose.
:'''Jade''': My grandfather's nose was blown off in the war, so that song is a filthy lie.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': ''[singing]'' It's fun to run, it's fun to play, it's fun to make things out of clay. It's fun to fill your car with gas, it's fun to break things made of glass. 
:''[Everyone starts staring at Robbie.]''
:'''Robbie''': ''[singing]'' Broken glass can cut your hand and then you bleed across the land. Ask any-
:'''Tori''': We're not doing that! 
:'''Cat''': Well, we have to write a song about something.
:'''Beck''': Okay, let's think. What do four-year old...little kids like?
:'''Cat''': Um...Cartoons?
:'''Andrè''': Animals?
:'''Jade''': Being annoying.
:'''Robbie''': ''[singing and strumming]'' Broken glass. 
:'''Andrè''': ''[Andrè's cell phone vibrates.]'' Oh, I gotta take this. Back in a sec. ''[Leaves into the other room.]'' Hey, how ya doin'?
:'''Tori''': Oh, right here. On SplashFace, the top seven most popular kiddie songs are all about food.
:'''Cat''': So let's write a kiddie song about food.
:'''Robbie''': ''[singing and playing guitar]'' Oh, broken glass is not a food, so don't you listen to some dude who says &quot;put cheese on broken glass and make a sand-a-wich out of broken glass.&quot;
:'''Tori''': What is ''wrong'' with you?
:'''Jade''': I like it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''' ''(sings)'' How 'bout a song 'bout broken glass? I'll help you write it after class! There is no song that can surpass this song we sing... 'bout broken glass!  
:''(Tori and Andre stare at him)''
:'''Robbie''': Harmonica solo!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hey you gotta help Jade. 
:'''Tori''': With what? 
:'''Cat''': She can't get her boobs in the﻿ hamburger.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Slap Status''': Ok...they're IN the hamburger. Now, it's SHOWTIME!!! (for 4 year olds) :/ Mood: FOODY
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Henry''': Sing about dinosaurs!
:'''Beck''': ''(cheerfully)'' No! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Hate this.
:'''Tori''': Thousand bucks.
:'''Jade''': Not enough. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': I love the Waggafuffels! ''[sings]'' Wagga Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels left and right, Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels day and night!  Wagga Wagga Wagga-
:'''Rex''': Shut up!
:'''Cat''': ''[hurt]'' Rex told me to shut up!
:'''Sikowitz''': Yes, thank you, Rex.  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': This is a very nice thing you guys are doing here.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, yeah. Thousand bucks, right?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': Apparently we're the Diddly Bops!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sinjin''': Do another song!
:'''Beck''': ''(cheerfully)'' No!
:'''Tori''': Happy birthday Henry!
:'''Jade''': We did﻿ this for money. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Devon''': ''[points his finger at Jade]'' She wrote a bad word! 
:'''Jade''': I write what I feel. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Well, it doesn't mean your life is over. 
:'''Rex''': It kinda is.
:''(Jade rips Rex's arm off)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': It's catchy.
:'''André''': Catchy like a rash. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[smiles and claps]'' That song is so awesome! How'd you turn Favorite Foods into that?
:'''Andrè''': I just stopped drinking my chocolate beverage and got busy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': ''[carrying the hamburger costume downstairs]'' How did Jade fit her boobs in this hamburger?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Little kid''': That guy's like a hundred years old!
:'''Sikowitz''': I'm 34!

==''Wok Star''==

:'''Sinjin''': What's wrong with weird and disturbing?
:'''Tori''': ''(sees him behind her, then brief silence)'' Uh...your pants are unzipped.
:'''Sinjin''': ...I know.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Lee''': Just drag the body out by the dumpster and don't say nothing to nobody!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Who sings when they're falling to the bottom of a well?
:'''Mrs. Lee''': Batman?
:'''Tori''': I don't think Batman sings.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': I think Cat just said something pretty smart.
:'''Cat''': Sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap''': My sister looks like an avocado exploded in her face. (Actually, that would be SO cool) FEELING: DEVIOUS
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Josh''': ''[goes to Jade]'' Great work. ''[holds out his hand]''
:'''Jade''': Whatever.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Come on. Give Tori a squeeze. ''[holds out her arms]''
:'''Jade''': ''[hugs Tori]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''[Imitating Tori]'' Nothing to worry about.
:'''Tori''': I don't talk like that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

: '''Tori''': Okay, well then it shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.
:'''Jade''': You'd really find me, someone, to put up the money to produce my play?
:'''Tori''': I meant that...
:'''Jade''': ''[Swing scissors]'' Hey! Did she not say, ''[Imitating Tori]'' It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.

==''The Wood''==

:''[after Robbie and Trina break Festus' arm]''
:'''Trina''': I just wanted a tamale.
:'''Lane''': [very fast] Well, you went and broke his tamale-makin' arm so now what!!?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Okay, I can picture me, sitting on a pony, wearing a bright purple hat. I-I was wearing the purple hat, not-not the pony. Do they even make pony hats? Anyway, I was looking fabu! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Creator''': Okay, Jade, what do you hate?
:'''Jade''': Uh, tuna fish, flowers, uh, giggling, the word &quot;panties&quot;, cilantro, rainbows, ducks...man, I hate ducks. Cramps, string cheese, clocks, wet doorknobs, bras that hook in the front, the color yellow, carpeting...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': You wanna watch it with us?
:'''Trina''': No. They rejected me!
:'''Tori''': Yeah, but i'm in it!
:'''Trina''': I gotta go change a lightbulb.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Um...oh! I know. I squirted hot cheese all over my friend and her current boyfriend, who was my ex-boyfriend, and then I kissed him right in front of her, which I felt ''really'' bad about. But then it was okay, 'cause she punched me right in the face.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Tori and Beck's fake phone conversation:]''
:'''Beck''': Hey, it's Beck.
:'''Tori''': Hi, baby.
:'''Beck''': Sup?
:'''Tori''': My parents aren't home.
:'''Beck''': Oh, that sounds pretty good.
:'''Tori''': I know! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
:'''Beck''': So, guess what I want?
:'''Tori''': Aw, you want me to tickle your tummy?
:'''Beck''': Yeah, sure.
:'''Tori''': You should come over.
:'''Beck''': Yeah, my girlfriend's not gonna like that.
:'''Tori''': I won't tell her.
:'''Beck''': Okay, I'll be there soon.
:'''Tori''': Alright. Love you, miss you.
:'''Beck''': You make me happy.
:'''Tori''': ''[kisses phone]'' Muaahh!
:'''Beck''': Bye.
:'''Tori''': Later. ''[hangs up]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tori''': She almost KILLED me!
:'''Jade''': I wouldn't have ''actually'' killed you.
:'''Tori''': Oh, aren't you sweet.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Hey, Beck. (sticks arm under his nose) Smell my arm. No perfume — that's my natural scent.
:'''Tori''': I have to live with her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': (to Beck) Your lemonade, sir.
:'''Beck''': Thanks. Hey, why's it pink?
:'''Tori''': It's pink lemonade.
:'''Beck''': I've never seen any pink lemons.
:'''Tori''': There are no pink lemons.
:'''Beck''': So what makes it pink?
:'''Tori''': Well... you know, it's — shut up!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Andre''': (fake fighting with Beck) Who put my dog in a wedding dress?
:'''Beck''': It was hilarious.
:'''Andre''': Y'know what, this friendship is over.
:'''Beck''': Eat a rag.
:'''Andre''': You eat ''2'' rags! ''(to the producers)'' ...Did ya get all that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Kyle''': Tori Vega, Beck Oliver, Jade West, and Andre Harris, congratulations! You're all going to be featured on The Wood.
:'''Trina''': And what about me?
:'''Kyle''': No.
:'''Trina''': Why not?
:'''Kyle''': Because you reek of desperation.
:'''Beck''': That's her natural scent.

==''A Film by Dale Squires''==
:'''Teacher''': Tori, can you make your sister leave? 
:'''Tori''': Trina, stop embarassing me or I'm gonna embarass you. 
:'''Trina''': Don't threaten me! 
:'''Tori''': When Trina was six, our family went to the mall just before Christmas- 
:'''Trina''': DON'T SAY IT! 
:'''Tori''': And she peed. 
:'''Trina''': TORI! 
:'''Tori''': On Santa Claus. 
:'''Trina''': ''(makes embarassed sound and leaves)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''André''': So what's the plan?
:'''Tori''': I don't know. You're smart, she's mean. You think of something.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': We have to do something. 
:'''Cat''': Waffles?
:'''Tori''': I like waffles.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': One time, when I was seven, I was at the beach and I made a sand castle, and I named it Cat's Castle. ''(pause)'' True story.  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': I'll go find some cheerleaders that need a ride home.
:'''Robbie''': Will they be wearing their uniforms?
:'''Beck''': That's what makes them cheerleaders.  
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Okay, would you rather give up the Internet or your foot?
:'''Andre''': Foot.
:'''Cat''': Foot.
:'''Jade''': Foot.
:'''Beck''': (lifts up knee with Jade's foot on it) Jade's foot.
:'''Tori''': You would all rather give up a foot then the internet.
:'''Cat''': Yeah.
:'''Andre''': You love the internet.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, but your foot's like a part of your body and the internet's... Yeah, my foot.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': This one time I ate a hamburger and an hour later i started sneezing but i don't think it had anything to do with the hamburger.
:'''Jade''': Maybe your red hair dye seeps through your skull and into your brain
:'''Cat''': CAN THAT HAPPEN!?!? 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Holly''': Where's Trina?
:'''Cat''': Tori locked her in the bathroom
:'''Tori''': Cat! You weren't supposed to tell her that.
:'''Holly''': I'm okay with it.

== ''Sleepover at Sikowitz's'' ==

:'''Sikowitz''': I spy a fly, with my little thigh!
:'''Tori''': Thigh?
:'''Sikowitz'''': ''[Chases the fly]'' Come here! Time to die! ''[crashes through a window]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rex''': ''[after Tori kisses him]'' Take me home.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Okay, Beck. What role will Cat be playing at the Great Sikowitz Sleepover?
:'''Beck''': Cat will play a 1980s standup comedian...who's very annoying!
:'''Cat''': I wanna be a unicorn!
:'''Beck''': You can't!
:'''Cat''': Phooey..!
:'''Sikowitz''': Now, Cat! Who will Robbie be playing?
:'''Cat''': Well...i've decided, Robbie's role should be a motivational speaker...
:'''Robbie''': Pfft. I could do that!
:'''Cat''': Who just drank some weird beverage that makes his legs weak and wobbly! ''(laughs)''
:'''Robbie''': Okay, so, uh, i'm a motivational speaker with...jelly legs.
:'''Cat''': Yeah, i'm creative.
:'''Sikowitz''': Wonderful. Robbie, tell us the character you've chosen for Beck.
:'''Robbie''': Sure! One sec. ''(presses some buttons on his PearPad then turns it to them)'' Okay. Beck will be playing... ''(turns the PearPad to face them)'' A guy from England whose accent is really hard to understand, and he's always invading people's personal space.
:'''Beck''': ''(in a British accent)'' No problem.
:'''Sikowitz''': Andre! What do you have in store for Torro?
:'''Tori''': Did you just call me Torro?
:'''Sikowitz''': Maybe.
:'''Tori''': It's To-RI!
:'''Sikowitz''': I know. But I do love that fatty tuna.
:'''Tori''': ''(to Robbie)'' Should I be offended?
:'''Andre''': Okay, uh, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick, and is obsessed with raisin bran.
:'''Tori''': Where did you come up with that?
:'''Andre''': Well, see, I had this dream last night, where this lady cop was like...and she was like...then I was like...I just thought of it.
:'''Sikowitz''': Tori! Tell us what Jade will be.
:'''Tori''': Love to. ''(As she walks in front of the others, Jade looks worried that Tori will say something she will hate.)'' Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.
:'''Jade''': I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.
:'''Sikowitz''': Now tell us who Andre will be playing.
:'''Jade''': Ugh, fine... ''(stands up and walks in front of the others)'' You're gonna be a guy who's just finished running a marathon...
:'''Andre''': Okay.
:'''Jade''': Who also happens to be nine months pregnant.
:'''Andre''': ...Who's the daddy?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': WAAAAA! I think i'm gonna have a baby! Why did I just run that marathon?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I AM A POLICE OFFICER! Would you like some RAISIN BRAN?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': Oh my goodness...I think i'm gonna have a baby!
:'''Charlotte''': BABY?!?
:'''Andre''': AH, WHY DID I RUN THAT MARATHON WHILE I WAS PREGNANT?!?
:'''Charlotte''': What the bogs are you talking about?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jason''': I'm going with some guys to see the Waldogs play at the moxie.
:'''Cat''': I'll go with you to see the Waldogs play at the moxie, i'll go right now!
:'''Sikowitz''': EEEECK! Cat...you just broke character. ''(opens the door)''
:'''Cat''': Yay! ''(drops her microphone and leaves with Jason)'' Bye, everyone, i'll be at the moxie! ''(Sikowitz shuts the door after they leave.)''
:'''Tori''': And to THINK I was gonna let that boy eat my Raisin Bran!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Why don't you stop invading my personal space, and have a little of this Raisin Bran?!
:'''Beck''': ''(in British accent)'' I'm game. So why don't you pop a dabble in my mouth.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Jade burns her hands after touching a very hot tray)''
:'''Jade''': My goodness, that tray was hot! Oh, well. Look at it! My skin's starting to blister! And I do believe that's the sweet smell of my burning flesh!
:'''Sikowitz''': Uh, Jade, perhaps I should try----
:'''Jade''': Who's Jade? My name is Betsy-Sue Goldenheart. A happy farm girl who's experiencing extreme pain right now! Aaaooooowwwwwww.... ''(Jade smiles and exits the house)''
:'''Sikowitz''': And yet, she never broke character.
:'''Jade''': '''''MOVE THIS CAR!''''' ''(glass breaks and a car siren goes off)''
:'''Sikowitz''': You broke character!
:'''Tori''': AND...your neighbor's car window. ''(a police siren wails)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Go inside, go inside. ''(pushes Tori inside and closes the door)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': ''(into his walkie)'' I can't take it anymore-ALRIGHT! ''(stands up, and turns to face Tori and Beck)'' Since it's obvious...neither one of you are going to be breaking character anytime soon, and I can't STAND being here with either one of you anymore...I'm going to bed. You can help yourself to anything in the refrigerator but please. ''(explicitly)'' Do NOT look in the cabinet under the sink in my bathroom. PLEASE. ...Good night. ''(walks away)''
:'''Beck''': ''(in British accent)'' Have you ever seen a carnivorous wildebeest rubbing up fat Dan Schneider walking-
:'''Tori''': I AM A POLICE OFFICER!
:'''Beck''': Egofen.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie is laughing and eating popcorn while watching Terms of Endearment, a drama film, with David and Holly Vega)''
:'''Holly''': Who laughs at ''Terms of Endearment''?
:'''David''': It's ''not'' a comedy. ''(the doorbell rings. David opens the door. It was Cat and Jason)''
:'''Cat''': ''(waving)'' Hi, Tori's dad!
:'''David''': Hi.
:'''Cat''': This is Jason. 
:'''David''': And?
:'''Cat''': Robbie texted me and said you guys are watching a funny movie!
:'''David''': ''(turns to Robbie)'' It's ''not'' a comedy!
:'''Robbie''': Hey, you guys! Come on in. ''(Cat and Jason enter the house)''
:'''Cat''': Oh, popcorn!!! ''(Cat eats popcorn and sits along with Jason. Cat starts to laugh)'' Is that Debra Winger? 
:'''Robbie''': Yeah. She's hilarious!
:'''Holly''': She's DYING!
:''(Cat, Robbie and Jason continue to laugh while watching the movie)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie, Cat, Andre, Jade and Jason watch Terms of Endearment, a romantic drama film, and they won't stop laughing.)''
:'''David''' : ''(annoyingly)'' HOW is that funny?!
:'''Andre''': Does she ever quit crying?
:'''Jade''': Ah, she'll be dead in minutes. ''(Both David and Holly get irritated and walk upstairs. Then, Robbie, Cat, Jason, Andre and Jade continue to laugh out loud)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Raisin Bran was invented by Kevin McRaisinburg and Jack McBran.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori and Beck have passed out after sleeping on chairs)''
:'''Beck''': ''(in normal voice)'' Hey, what time is it?
:'''Tori''': ...AH! AHHH! YOU... BROKE CHARACTER! YOU LOST! ''(stands up)'' I AM A POLICE OFFICER, AND I AM VICTORIOUS! ENJOY SOME RAISIN BRAN, YOU FREAKISH BRIT! ''(pours some Raisin Bran on a smiling Beck)'' THIS IS OFFICER PADESCO. CODE 3! ''(imitates a police siren noise while running out)'' (screams) Ha-Ha!

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Victorious seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>dysqyd9k8gl5cimaiyiks4099i1gtfw</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Victorious (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192466</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150503</id>
      <parentid>3031114</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:29:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.106.24.193</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Who Did it to Trina? */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="48539" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Victorious (season 1)|1]] [[Victorious (season 2)|2]] [[Victorious (season 3)|3]] [[Victorious (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Victorious|Main]]'''
----

'''''[[w:Victorious|Victorious]] '''''(stylized as ''VIC'''TORi'''OUS'') is an American sitcom created by Dan Schneider that originally aired on Nickelodeon from March 27, 2010 to February 2, 2013. The series revolves around aspiring singer Tori Vega (portrayed by {{w|Victoria Justice}}), a teenager who attends a performing arts high school called Hollywood Arts High School, after taking her older sister Trina's ({{w|Daniella Monet}}) place in a showcase while getting into {{w|screwball comedy|screwball}} situations on a daily basis. On her first day at Hollywood Arts, she meets Andre Harris ({{w|Leon Thomas III}}), Robbie Shapiro ({{w|Matt Bennett}}), Rex Powers (Robbie's puppet), Jade West ({{w|Elizabeth Gillies}}), Cat Valentine ({{w|Ariana Grande}}), and Beck Oliver ({{w|Avan Jogia}}). 

==''Beggin' on Your Knees''==

:'''Robbie''': Like the wolf-
:'''Rex''': She walks alone.
:'''Robbie''': ''[howls]''
:'''Rex''': Off-key!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Quartet''': ''[singing]'' Hey hey, Tori Vega! Won't you be our very special-
:'''Tori''': NO! 
:'''Quartet''': ''[disappointed then go after Andre]'' Hey, hey, Andre Harris!
:'''Andre''':﻿ ''(off screen)'' NO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(happy)'' Hey!
:'''Andre''': Whoa, somebody's all happy about something. 
:'''Jade''': Yeah, it's making me sick.
:'''Robbie''': Hey, um, is there a reason that girls don't wanna go out with me?
:'''Tori''': You mean, like, one reason that stands out over all the other reasons?
:'''Rex''': Ha!
:'''Robbie''': ''(after a pause, aggravated)'' So why are you happy?
:'''Tori''': Because Ryder Daniels asked me out.
:'''Rex''': Ooh, he's hot! ''(they all stare at him)'' Stare all you want, I'm secure.
:'''Jade''': I don't trust that Ryder guy.
:'''Tori''': You just hate the idea of anything good happening for me.
:'''Jade''': That could not be more true. ''(pause)'' I'm just saying, any dude that hot and that perfect has to be hiding something. 
:'''Andre''': So I guess you﻿ think Beck is hiding something.
:'''Jade''': Oh, he was until I found out.
:'''Beck''': Wha-what was I hiding?
:'''Jade''': That you were born ''in CANADA! [leaves]''
:'''Beck''': ''[goes after her]'' It wasn't a secret! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Sorry. My butt's gotta breathe.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tori''': Did that bush just waddle? ''(opens the door and walks outside)'' ROBBIE SHAPIRO!
:'''Robbie''': ''(from behind the bush)'' Yes?
:'''Tori''': You were invading my privacy!
:'''Robbie''': Well at least I didn't snoop through Ryder's phone.
:'''Tori''': ''(in a &quot;go away&quot; tone)'' EAHHHHHHHHH!
:'''Robbie''': Eahhhh! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
:'''Ryder''': What?
:'''Tori''': Are you about to kiss me?
:'''Rider''': Yeah.
:'''Tori''': ''(cheerfully)'' Okay. ''(they do, and she leans on a button on her computer that sets off music)'' Sorry!
:'''Ryder''': It's cool.
:'''Tori''':  Did I bite your lip?
:'''Ryder''':  Little bit.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': You must feel pretty stupid right now. 
:'''Beck''': Okay, that's a time out.
:'''Jade''': No! I was just trying to-
:'''Beck''': Go sit on the steps! ''(she does)''
:'''Tori''': So what do I do now?
:'''Andre''': Well, you're not still gonna sing a duet with that jerk, right?
:'''Tori''': Ugh. No way!
:'''Beck''': Good. So he'll fail.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, but I don't want to fail too!
:'''Andre''': So, what are you gonna sing?
:'''Tori''': ''(starts to come to her senses)'' A song...a really cool song that you're gonna help me write, tonight!
:'''Andre''': I can't!
:'''Tori''': You have to!
:'''Andre''': But I gotta- ''(the others all interrupt as he tries to speak)'' ALRIGHT! I'll just celebrate my 97-year old great grandpa's birthday with him next year. Possibly! ''(he walks up to the piano)'' Well, come on!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap''': Sometimes it's nice to forgive people. And other times, REVENGE ROCKS. FEELING: Feisty

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Asian guy''': So, congrats, man!
:'''Ryder''': On what?
:'''Asian guy''': I hear you're going out with Tori!
:'''Ryder''': Huh. Yeah, for like five more minutes! ''(hands him some peanut-like balls)'' Then you can have her.
:'''Asian guy''': Really? ''(follows him)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[on the song she's about to sing]'' Just listen. I think you'll hate it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Quartet''': ''[to Ryder, after Tori sings]'' You just got burned.

==''Beck Falls for Tori''==

:'''Andre''': Just tell us where the girl is.
:'''Beck''': I told you, I DON'T KNOW!
:'''Cat''': Okay, if you don't know, you don't know. ''[slaps Beck hard then grabs his shirt]'' NOW DO YOU KNOW?!
:'''Beck''': Hey, man! Get your partner off of me!
:'''Andre''': You better tell her what she wants to know. ''[licks a lollipop]'' 
:'''Cat''': You got three seconds to talk. 
:'''Beck''': I-I-I don't know. I-
:''(Cat slaps him again)'' 
:'''Beck''': She's in my basement! ''[Cat lets go of him]'' She's in my basement. ''[gets on his knees and cries]''
:'''Sikowitz''': Boring.
:''[The students turns to Sikowitz]''
:'''Andre''': That was boring?
:'''Sikowitz''': ''[gets up]'' Yeah, it was all too predictable. There were no, ''[puts on a shocked face]'' AHH, surprises.  
:'''Jade''': I enjoyed the slapping. 
:'''Sikowitz''': See, entertainment is so much so entertaining, when the characters do something the audience doesn't expect. 
:'''Robbie''': I don't get what you're trying to say here.
:'''Rex''': You've bewildered everybody.
:''[The students begins to talk all at once.]''
:'''Sikowitz''': All right, okay, maybe I'm wrong. Let's move on the something else. ''[Cat, Beck and Andre sit back down]'' Let's talk about our hopes and dreams. ''[points to Tori]'' Tori.
:'''Tori''': ''[points to Sikowitz]'' Sikowitz.
:'''Sikowitz''': What's your biggest hope and/or dream? ''[smiles at her]''
:'''Tori''': Uh...probably to be a pop star. A really successful singer. 
:'''Sikowitz''': ''[laughs insanely]''
:'''Tori''': ''[laughs nervously with him]'' What?
:'''Sikowitz''': Oh, well, maybe you could sing at weddings for the hearing impaired. ''[continues laughing]''
:''[The students looks at Sikowitz in shock.]''
:'''Jade''': Okay, this is the most fun class ever.
:'''Tori''': ''[sad]'' You really don't think I can make it as a singer?
:'''Sikowitz''': Nope. HA! You see? You're all staring at me with rapt attention. Why? Because, as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students not puke on their dreams. Right?
:''[The students agree]''
:'''Tori''': Uh huh.
:'''Sikowitz''': This is what I'm trying to explain. When characters do the unexpected- ''[falls suddenly]'' audiences pay attention. 
:'''Tori''': Oh, I have a headache.
:''[The bell rings.]'' 
:'''Sikowitz''': That's lunchtime. Get out.
:''[The students get up and leave.]''
:'''Rex''': Hey, Jade. That's a nice new sweater.
:'''Jade''': Thanks. It's made out of puppet hair. 
:'''Rex''': Dang, woman. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hey. Look at the new costume I made. Can you guess who I am?
:'''Beck''': No.
:'''Andre''': You're uh, Little Boy Poop.
:'''Cat''': Little Bo Peep. Alright, can I tell you guys how much I'm loving my new costume design class? 
:'''Andre and Beck''': Uh...
:'''Cat''': And my teacher says I have a gift for knowing people's exact measurements.
:'''Robbie''': Hey, peepolinis!!
:'''Jade''': I'm not with him. 
:'''Cat''': ''[to Robbie]'' Hey, Robbie, do you want me to tell you what size pants you are? 
:'''Robbie''': I already know. They're a size four. 
:''(Cat laughs)''
:'''Jade''': Size four?
:'''Cat''': That's how they measure girls' pants.
:'''Robbie''': What? Rex, you promised me these were boy jeans.
:'''Rex''': Heh heh heh. You've been Rexed.
:'''Tori''': Hey. Will you guys take a look at my headshot and resume?
:'''Andre''': Sure. Why?
:'''Tori''': Sikowitz got me an audition for a movie.
:'''Jade''': I don't care. 
:'''Andre''': You look twelve in this pic.
:'''Tori''': Well that was the last time I got shot by a professional photographer. 
:'''Cat''': My brother got shot by a clown. 
:'''Andre''': Why?
:'''Cat''': Because my brother kept poking him and saying &quot;What you gonna do about it, clown?  Huh?&quot; ''(pause)'' It happened on a bus.
:'''Jade''': ''(pulls out a coloring book and crayons)'' Cat, color the tiger.
:'''Cat''': Yay, crayons!
:'''Tori''': Well, now I have to find a professional photographer.
:''(Sinjin walks over)''
:'''Sinjin''': Did someone say she needs a professional photographer?
:'''Tori''': Yeah, you know one?
:'''Sinjin''': Nope. ''(walks off again)''
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, I don't seem so weird anymore, do I?
:'''Rex''': What did you say, Girl Pants?
:'''Andre''': Alright, you gotta work on this resume.
:'''Tori''': Why, what's wrong with it?
:'''Robbie''': You only have one play on there.
:'''Tori''': Well, that's all I've been in.
:'''Andre''': So? Just say you've acted in more stuff.
:'''Tori''': Lie?
:'''Jade''': Yes!
:'''Beck''': Well, it's not really lying...
:'''Rex''': It's exaggerating!
:'''Cat''': Did I mention the clown was my cousin Jesse?
:'''Jade''': ''[sternly]'' Color the pretty tiger. 
:'''Tori''': So, back to my resume...
:'''Andre''': You gotta have more things under special skills.
:'''Jade''':  Yeah, you put bike riding as a special skill.  Who can't ride a bike?
:'''Rex''': Take a guess.
:'''Robbie''': ''(puts hand over Rex's mouth)'' Can you keep any secret?
:'''Tori''': So what &quot;special skills&quot; should I add?
:'''Andre''': Gymnastics.
:'''Beck''': Martial arts.
:'''Robbie''': Skydiving.
:'''Jade''': Flirtatious hair flipping.
:'''Tori''': Okay, I do not flip my hair flirtatiously!
:'''Jade''': Oh, and this doesn't seem familiar? ''[Imitating Tori]'' Why, hello, boys! My name is Tori Vega! Buy me some licorice and I'll give you a kiss!
:'''Tori''': I talk NOTHING like that. ''(to the rest of the gang)'' Seriously, do I talk anything like that? ''(the others all imitate Tori at the same time. Tori puts a picture of herself in front of her face)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': So I said ok.
:'''Sikowitz''': Really? I had no idea you did stunt work.
:'''Tori''': I don't!  I'm not a stunt double!
:'''Sikowitz''': Then why'd you accept the job?
:'''Tori''': I don't know. Because I'm stupid?
:'''Jade''': I've been telling you people she's stupid, but did anyone believe me?
:'''Andre''': Alright, wait. Why did they even offer you a job as a stunt double?
:'''Tori''': Because of my resume? Under &quot;special skills&quot; I put gymnastics and karate, and that made them think I could do stunts.
:'''Jade''': See, you should ''never'' lie on your resume. ''(Tori gives her a dirty look)'' Well, that's not a pretty face.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Bye. Thank you, monkeys! WHOO! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap''': Well, I now have a BOOT PRINT on MY RIGHT KIDNEY. Thank you, Jade. FEELING SORE
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rex''': Wait, who got bit by monkeys?
:'''Tori''': The director's kid.
:'''Rex''': Did he taunt the monkeys?
:''(Beck and Jade chuckle)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': And what if I end up in the hospital?
:'''Jade''': ''(Imitating Tori)'' Well maybe you'll meet a handsome young doctor, get married and share a soda pop!
:'''Tori''': I DON'T talk like a movie star from the 1940s!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': ''[to Tori]'' Come on, now there's not gonna be a funeral. 
:'''Cat''': Aw.
:'''Andre''': We're all gonna come down to set, keep you cool, watch you land safe and sound, right on that air sack.
:''(Tori smiles)''
:'''Andre''': Unless you miss it! ''[laughs]''
:''(Tori frowns)''
:'''Andre ''': I don't think you'll miss it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Peeminder?
:'''Rex''': You should download that.
:'''Jade''': Yeah you should.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''(deadpan)'' Yay, Cat made another costume.
:'''Cat''':  I'm Cat, International Spy!  ''(makes gun noises with her finger, then points to it)'' It's not real.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Beck? Beck?
:'''Beck''': ''(Enters, wearing a wig and Tori's dress and speaks in a high-pitched voice)'' Yes?
:'''Tori''': Beck?
:'''Beck''': I'm not Beck. I'm you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': ''[After pushing Tori of the balcony, in a southern belle accent]'' You're ever so welcome!
:'''Tori''':  I don't talk like that!!

==''Ice Cream for Ke$ha''==

:'''Robbie''': Cat! Cat, come on. You can't be mad at me over something that I did in your dream.
:'''Cat:''' It's what you didn't do.
:'''Robbie:''' Well, would you at least tell me what I didn't do? 
:'''Cat''': Fine! These little kids were trying to eat us, and you wouldn't even try to help me! You were just crying and yelling &quot;No, no! Don't eat me! Eat her, eat her!&quot;
:'''Robbie''': Well, I'm sorry. And if a bunch of little kids ever really do try to eat us, I promise to...well, why shouldn't they eat you first?
:''(Andre and Tori sit down)''
:'''Cat''': Robbie!
:'''Robbie''': I wanna live! There's things I've never tried! There's things I really, really, really wanna do!
:'''Tori''': What do you really, really, really wanna do?
:'''Robbie''': Ride a pony.  Take a cooking class. ''(Robbie pauses, embarassed)'' Other things.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Robbie let a bunch of little kids eat me.
:'''Robbie''': It's not my fault if dream children find you delicious!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': I'm sick of this.  Ice cream reminds me of my childhood.
:'''Cat''': You didn't have a happy childhood?
:'''Jade''': My favorite toy was a hammer.  ''You'' finish the puzzle.
:'''Beck''': ''(aside, to Jade)'' You know, you don't have to help.
:'''Jade''': Don't push me.
:'''Beck''': What?
:'''Tori''': But, if we win and Kesha does do a private concert, only the people who help find the letters get to come.''
:'''Jade''': ''[Imitating Tori]'' Only the people who help find the letters get to come!''
:'''Tori''': I don't talk like that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Ooh, you don't look happy.
:'''Tori''': I'm not!
:'''Jade''': Yay!
:'''Beck''': Trina giving you a rough time?
:'''Tori''': Yes! Do you know she sleep sweats?
:'''Jade''': Sleep sweats?
:'''Tori''': Yeah, she made me go into her room last night every two hours, with a sponge, lift her arms, and then -
:'''Trina''': Tori! Hey, answer my phone!
:'''Tori''': What? I don't wanna!
:'''Jade''': You're her assistant, so do what she says.
:'''Trina''': Thank you, Jade. ''[touches Jade's arm]''
:'''Jade''': Never touch me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(after she finds out the contest is stil on)'' I can still win the contest!
:'''Sinjin''':  Run for it, Tori! Run straight home and don't stop until you get there!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie is carrying a bucket of ice cream)''
:'''Tori''': Hey, where you going?
:'''Robbie''': I don't think we should waste all this ice cream, so I'm gonna take it to that playground around the corner and give it to some little kids.
:'''Beck''': Uh, I don't know how kids mothers are gonna feel about a strange guy handing out-
:'''Jade''': ''(aside, to Beck)'' Let him do it.
:'''Beck''': ''(to Jade)'' No, you're terrible, you're a terrible influence-
:'''Jade''': Just let him do it! Just let him do it!
:'''Beck''': ''(to Robbie)'' Good luck!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Robbie walks into Tori's house looking beaten)''
:'''Tori''': Robbie, what happened?
:'''Robbie''': I went to the playground, I got off my bike, I yelled &quot;Hey, kids, who wants some free ice cream?&quot; And then their mothers chased me into an alley and beat me with sticks!
:'''Cat''': Sticks? ''(Jade chuckles)''
:'''Robbie''': One big mom stepped on my neck!
:'''Jade''': Ya gotta love big moms.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(everyone is at Tori's looking for letters)''
:'''Beck''': K!
:'''Jade''': A!
:'''Tori''': A!
:'''Beck''': A!
:'''Cat''': H!
:'''Rex''': K!
:'''Tori''': Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.  Cat, what'd you say?
:'''Cat''': When?
:'''Tori''': Just a second ago.
:'''Cat''': ''(pause)'' I said &quot;when.&quot;
:'''Tori''': No! Before that.
:'''Cat''': Oh, I said &quot;H&quot;.
:'''Tori''': H!
:'''Andre''': H? Yes! ''(everybody runs to Cat)''
:'''Robbie''': She's got it! She got the H!
:'''Cat''': ''(laughs)'' I feel so loved!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beck''': ''(enters)'' Hey.
:'''Andre''': Where's the ice cream?
:'''Tori''': Yeah. Didn't you get some more?
:'''Beck''': Nope. Check Ke$ha's last update. ''(Tori, Andre, Jade and Cat grab their phones)''
:'''Tori''': ''(reads the update)'' &quot;Congrats to the dude in Northridge who found all the letters and spelled out Ke$ha. Thanks for playing. Ke$ha later.&quot; 
:'''Andre''': Contest over.
:'''Jade''': Great! I spent nine hours of my life violating pints of ice cream for nothing!
:'''Robbie''': While I got stick beat by vicious mothers!
:'''Tori''': ''(sadly)'' I hate everything.
:'''Cat''': ''(stands up)'' Well... ''(goes to Tori)'' ...don't be sad.
:'''Tori''': I AM SAD! Cause I didn't marry a prince and I don't live in a magic sugar castle, and now, we can't win the Ke$ha concert which means that I gotta keep being Trina's stupid assistant for 28 more days!
:'''Cat''': That's so sad.
:'''Andre''': Come on. That's okay! Maybe...maybe Trina will just forget about it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': I need &quot;e$h&quot; real bad.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I need the S!! '' [starts whimpering on Andre's shoulder]'' Where is the S!!
:'''Andre''': '' [hugging Tori]'' I don't know baby, I just don't know
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(the gang with the exception of Robbie and Rex are at the convenience store searching for the &quot;$&quot; to finish spelling &quot;Ke$ha&quot;)''
:'''Tori''': ''(frustrated after opening the Funky Nut Blast can)'' No! It's just a dumb... H!
:'''Andre''': Well maybe there's another pint.
:'''Jade''': ''(looking in the ice cream freezer)'' There's not. That's the only Funky Nut Blast.
:''(Tori leans against the freezer, starts whining, and then slides to the floor)''
:'''Andre and Jade''': ''(concerned)'' Tori.
:'''Andre''': We're in public. Please.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(the kid at the store gives his conditions for giving them the &quot;$&quot;)''
:'''Kid''': ''(pointing at Tori)'' I want to kiss you.
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Kid''': ''(pointing at Cat)'' And her.
:''(Cat giggles)''
:'''Kid''': ''(pointing at Jade)'' And the freaky one.
:'''Jade''': What?!
:'''Andre''': You better stop there.  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Ke$ha, wait! 
:'''Ke$ha''': No, you're weird. 
:'''Tori''': ''[stops Trina]'' Trina! Ke$ha, I am so sorry about her. 
:'''Ke$ha''': Is she your sister?
:'''Tori''': Yeah.
:'''Ke$ha''': I'm sorry for you.
:'''Tori''': Everyone is. 
:'''Ke$ha''': ''[touches Tori's cheek]'' Are those real cheekbones? 
:'''Tori''': Yeah.

==''Tori Gets Stuck''==
Jade: I got the lead right.
Sikowitz exits
Jade gets up and picks up the paper and freaks out.
Beck and Andre: she didn’t get the part.
Jade: Tori did.
Tori: me.😲
Andre: “Tori is Steamboat Suzy Jade is the understudy.”
Jade: like it’s my dream to be her understudy.
Cat: Oh ya and then Jade could play your role.
:'''Tori''': You made Sinjin tried to trick me so you could get my role?
:'''Jade''': Look, I'm not going to stand here and watch you accuse me of things I clearly did. ''(walks off)''
:'''Tori''': ''(to Sinjin)'' You have anything to say to me?
:'''Sinjin''': Teach me to dance.
:'''Tori''': NO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': I'm playing Susie, right?
:''(Sikowitz hems and haws, then runs from the room. Jade picks up the paper with the roles)''
:'''Cat''': Did you get the lead?
:''(Jade crumples paper and kicks a chair)''
:'''Andre''': I don't think she got it.
:'''Robbie''': So, who's playing Susie?
:'''Tori''': ''(uncrumples paper)'' Me.
:'''Jade''': Yeah. Her. That! She got the lead!
:'''Cat''': What part did you get?
:'''Jade''': ''I'' got cheated and humiliated!
:'''Sinjin''': You get used to it. ''(Robbie nods)''
:'''Andre''': Alright, chill down. Let's see. It says right here, &quot;Jade West, understudy for the role of Susie&quot;.
:'''Jade''': Oh, yee hoo. Like it's my dream to be Tori's understudy.
:'''Tori''': What's an understudy?
:'''Jade''': Aw, man! ''(throws cup against the wall)''
:'''Robbie''': An understudy is like a backup actor.
:'''Andre''': So if you get sick or something, your understudy takes over for your part in the play.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, if you get sick, or go missing, or '''GET HIT BY A BUS!''' ''[storms out]''
:'''Tori''': ''[nervous]'' Uh... ''(Jade breaks something)'' she can't drive a bus, can she? 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': One time my brother painted part of his body purple.
:'''Robbie''': Why did your brother paint part of his body purple?
:'''Cat''': He had a job interview... ''(smiles)'' He didn't get it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rex''': There's a car parked in Robbie's butt!
:'''Robbie''': Quit saying that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Doctor''': ''(to Jade)'' Are you his girlfriend?
:'''Jade''': No, are you?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': That is some juicy coughing and hacking.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Get out!
:'''Jade''': No! I'm leaving. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, and... uh, Robbie?
:'''Robbie''': Yeah?
:'''Tori''': Spongebob underwear? ''[Robbie covers his abdomen in embarassment]''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': I'll go get her dress off.
:'''Sikowitz''': Nooooooo. ''(grabs her and holds her back)''
:'''Jade''': She can't play the role and i'm the understudy!
:'''Sikowitz''': I don't care; you've been acting like a gank all week. I'm not going to reward you by letting you play the lead!
:'''Jade''': There's an audience out there! This show must go on!
:'''Sikowitz''': Yes. Yes, it must. And must, it shall!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I'm O negative? You did go through my medical records.
:'''Jade''': ''[Imitating Tori]'' &quot;Told you I do my research.&quot;

==''Prom Wrecker''==

:'''Tori''': Are you done with your little sabotage game?
:'''Jade''': ''[Imitating Tori]'' Done with what little sabotage game?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': I am gonna win, right?
:'''Sinjin''': It hurts that you doubt me.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''[looking at Andre kissing his girlfriend]'' Whoa, daddy. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': It's raining!
:'''Tori''': I know.
:'''Cat''': Should we stop?
:'''Andre''': Or do you want to keep going?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, he's coming! Don't let him know we were watching...
:'''Andre''': What's up?
:'''Tori''': Nothing.
:'''Jade''': Not a thing.
:'''Cat''': We were not watching you kiss that girl!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': SINJIN, DO NOT LICK THE BALLOONS!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sherry''': People are mad! There's no band, there was a freaky video...
:'''Andre''': And Doug's diaper doesn't fit him too well.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': He says he got you the power drill, the clown costume and 12 gallons of blood
:'''Jade''': Wow! Where did he get 12 gallons of fake blood?
:'''Cat''': You wanted fake blood? I'll go call my brother.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Doug''': I sing, I dance, I pee my pants! I'm Doug the Diaper Guy!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''' Are you gonna stop?
:'''Jade''': ''(looks at soda can)'' Nah, I'm still pretty thirsty.
:''(Tori takes Jade's drink)'' 
:'''Jade''': Give it back!
:'''Tori''': Yeah, sure. ''(licks the top of it, then gives it back)'' Here.
:'''Jade''': Thanks. ''(drinks from it)'' Ahhh...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': What, no. I didn't call and cancel the band!
:'''Jade''': ''[Imitating Tori]'' &quot;Uh, oh. Looks like Tori Vega's prom has turned into one big boopity boo.&quot;
:'''Tori''': Prome!

==''Locked Up!''==

:'''Jade''': Oh, hey, I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm going away to Cancun with Beck's family for semester break and you guys have nothing fun to do.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Beck is dragging Jade into Sikowitz's classroom)''
:'''Beck''': C'mon!
:'''Jade''' No, I don't wanna ask her! No!
:'''Beck''': We'll both ask her.
:'''Tori''': What's goin' on?
:'''Beck''': My aunt says we can't go to Cancun.
:'''Tori''': Aw, how come?
:'''Beck''': She found out I was bringing Jade.
:'''Sikowitz''': Hah!
:'''Beck''': So we hear some of you guys are going to Yerba?
:'''Tori''': Yes. Yes, we are. Would ''you'' like to go to Yerba with us, Beck?
:'''Beck''': That'd be great, thanks!
:''(Tori and Beck look at Jade)''
:'''Tori''': Jade, do you have a question for me?
:'''Jade''': ''(turns her head away, clearly humiliated)'' May I come to Yerba?
:'''Tori''': Hmmm...maybe. But first...gotta give me a hug! ''(Jade hesitates)'' C'mon, c'mon. Just do it! ''(they hug)'' See, giving Tori a big ol' hug isn't such a bad thing. ''(Jade begins to squeeze tighter)'' Ok, that's really tight. ''(they fall to the ground)'' Oh, god, help me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': I'm never playing mini golf with you guys again!
:'''Holly''': Promise?!
:'''Tori''': What happened?
:'''Holly''': Trina missed a putt, so she got upset and threw a golf club at her father!
:'''Trina''': NO, I threw the golf club and Dad just stood there and let it hit him!
:'''David''': ''(comes in with a bruised nose)'' Well...that was fun...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': ''[after seeing the hotel]'' This dump is our hotel?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Our friend is hallucinating!
:'''Tori''': An escaped prisoner crashed through our window and was dragged out by Yerbian soldiers!
:'''Cat''': And our bed is lumpy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jade''': ...Okay. So before you booked our trip here, you forgot to find out that this is the WORST country on Earth?!
:'''Tori''': Yeah.
:'''Sikowitz''': Jade, don't be such a Crabby Cathy.
:'''Jade''': I have every right to be a Crabby Cat- ''(they look over at Beck being fawned on by the local girls)'' Uh, Crabby Cathy is about to get a little bit crabbier.
:''(Beck shrugs)''
:'''Cat''': I think those girls like Beck's fluffy American hair.
:'''Jade''': Clearly. ''(she advances)'' Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend's head! 
:''(The girls hiss at her, she hisses back, and they run frightened)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': You're really gonna let your screechbox of a sister sing with us?
:'''Tori''': The guys are gonna keep her mic turned off.
:'''Jade''': ''(imitating Tori)'' &quot;Oh, that's swell news!&quot; ''(walks off)''
:'''Tori''': I DON'T talk like that!
:'''Jade''': Whatever.
:'''Tori''': ...Do I talk like that? ''(in the same voice)'' DO I TALK LIKE THAT? No, I don't talk like that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chancellor''': ADMIT you did this to me on porpoise.
:'''Tori''': No! It was just a shoe malfunction!
:'''Chancellor''': ADMIT you did this on PORPOISE, and your punishment will be not as bad.
:'''Tori''': BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ON PORPOISE!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Uh...go fish. ''(gets hit by a stick that one of the prisoners playing with her is holding, and falls to the ground. She then gets back up)'' ...Okay, that is not how we play Go Fish in America!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Ok, so you're telling me that freak show is a girl?
:'''Prisoner''': What are you looking at?
:'''Jade''': ''I'm'' looking at a big stupid lady in prison, what are you looking at?
:'''Prisoner''': Grrr!
:'''Jade''': Ohhhh...me make big man-lady mad. ''(prisoner bangs stick against the fence and walks away)'' Oooh, good one!  Hey, call me, we'll go skirt shopping!
:'''Tori''': Must you aggravate my fellow prisoners?
:'''Jade''': Yes, I must.
:'''Andre''': Man, eating salt is gross!
:'''Tori''': Not as gross as the prison food they make us eat in here!
:'''Cat''': One time, when my brother was in prison, he told the people in charge he was a vegetarian so they gave him special meals. ''(Tori looks weirded out)'' Oh wait, that was on an airplane.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Large scary lady coming toward us! Large scary lady coming!
:'''Tori''': Great! It's the one you called big and stupid the other day!
:'''Jade''': Whatever. I'm not scared of this chick.
:'''Prisoner''': So, do I still look big and stupid?
:'''Jade''': Alright, listen, hot stuff. You better just turn yourself around and walk away from me or- ''(prisoner shoves Jade to the ground)'' I like it on the ground.
:''(Prisoner picks up stick and raises it to hit Jade:''
:'''Trina''': Uh, Tori, Tori!
:''(Tori stops prisoner and speaks to her in Yerbian)''
:'''Tori''': She's my friend.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, yeah, we're super close.
:'''Prisoner''': ''(puts stick under Jade's chin)'' You are lucky. ''(says something in Yerbian, drops the stick and walks away)''
:'''Jade''': I didn't need your help.
:'''Tori''': She would have eaten you!
:'''Jade''': She wouldn't have liked it. ''(Cat walks over)''
:'''Cat''': Hi! Ew, Jade, you're outfit's all dirty.
:'''Jade''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, no, now I'll never win the prison beauty pageant!
:'''Trina''': Wait, they have that?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': Beck?
:'''Beck''': Yeah?
:'''Andre''': I'm kinda scared.
:'''Beck''': We'll be okay.
:'''Andre''': Yeah, but what if we don't get out of here? How are we supposed to- ''(notices some guys offscreen)'' ...What are those guys about to do?
:'''Beck''': I think they're gonna throw rocks at us. ''(he and Andre run off screen as the rocks are thrown and hit the wall)''
:'''Andre''': ''(runs back on screen)'' HEY! WE TOLD YOU WE DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY ROCKS! ''(runs as two more are thrown at him)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': We're gonna die!
:'''Beck''': Don't act scared.
:'''Andre''': I'm not acting. ''(the prisoners step closer)''
:'''Big prisoner''': ''(to Beck)'' YOU!
:'''Beck''': Me?
:'''Big prisoner''': HOW YOU MAKE YOUR HAIR SO...FLUFFY?
:'''Smaller prisoner''': TELL US!
:'''Andre''': Tell 'em, man! J-j-just tell 'em what they want to know!
:'''Beck''': Okay. Well, it all starts with a quality shampoo and conditioner.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Chancellor''': Now TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!
:'''Officers''': Yes, chancellor! ''(they salute, then do nothing for a few seconds)''
:'''Judge''': '''''NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!'''''
:'''Officers''': Oh, now. Okay, sure. ''(they take Tori out of the room)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sgrodis''': Hello bodys! Who wants mushroom?
:'''Tori:''': No one!
:'''Cat''': I love mushrooms!
:'''Tori''': Cat!
:'''Cat''': I hate mushrooms?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Wait! Who's that guy?
:'''Tori''': He's...a woman.
:'''Sikowitz''': Dear Ghandi! ''(runs into the duck truck, and the episode ends as the truck takes off and passes by a pavement that reads &quot;NO ESCAPING&quot; while the gang cheers)''

==''Helen Back Again''==

:'''Tori''': Okay, well. I’m going home now. Forever.
:'''Beck''': No. You’re not leaving this school.
:'''Jade''': She has to. ''[Everyone stares at her]'' I mean, I feel really bad about it. Seriously, but you know. Bye.
:'''Tori''': ''[to Jade]'' I think I'll miss you least of all.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''[to her friends]'' You guys, I don't want to be alone when I tell Trina that she-''[Everyone walks away from Tori]'' 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Helen''': And I thought Crazy Steve was crazy.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[After Trina kicks the dummy in the gongs]''
:'''Andre''': You better put some ice on that!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Hello. Your attention please. Up here. I'm waving. See my hand moving to and fro. Please.
:'''Jade''': ''[stands up and yells aggressively]'' Everybody shut up!
:'''Sikowitz''': Ahh Jade, so sweet and feminine.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Wait, who are you?
:'''Helen''': My name is Helen. I'm the new principal of Hollywood Arts.
:'''Tori''': ''[to Robbie]'' You shouldn't park your bike there.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Alright, Tori and Jade. You two are going to play husband and wife.
:'''Tori''': I'll be the wife.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, no kidding.
:'''Sikowitz''': Now, here's your brand new synthetically redheaded baby! ''(turns chair to show Cat in a baby bonnet)'' 
:'''Cat''': Wait, before we start, I was just wondering, I have 3 quest– ''(Sikowitz puts pacifier in her mouth)''
:'''Sikowitz''': All right, your dialogue should be all friendly and happy, but your subtext is anger, so you must say your happy lines angrily. Action!
:'''Tori''': Hey, I am so honkin' happy that we got married and had this cute little baby!
:'''Jade''': Ditto to that! I tell you, nothing warms my cockles more than lookin' at this magical pile of baby here!
:'''Cat''': Goo!
:'''Tori''': Oh, did you hear that &quot;Goo!&quot;?!

==''Who Did it to Trina?''==

:'''Tori''': How’s Trina?
:'''Andre''': Is she alright?
:'''Cat''': How’s the ranch house?
:'''Lane''': Trina's banged up but she's going to be fine. Nothing serious.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sinjin''': Well done, Foon Yee.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lane''': You're all suspects.
:'''Rex''': Awww, not again.
:'''Tori''': Suspects?
:'''Andre''': For what happened to Trina?
:'''Lane''': ''(nods)'' Uh huh.
:'''Cat''': But that was an accident.
:'''Jade''': Yup. A terrible hilarious accident. That already has 1,700 views!
:'''Lane''': Posting videos of people's tragedies is just mean and wrong.
:'''Jade''': Yeah. No, thanks, I really appreciate your input on that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Jade giggles while watching her phone)''
:'''Cat''': What's so funny?
:'''Tori''': Are you laughing at that video of Trina getting hurt?
:'''Jade''': No...I'm laughing at the comments.
:'''Tori''': You posted it online?
:'''Jade''': A little bit. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Why'd you cast Trina as the lead girl?
:'''Tori''': I didn't want to. You know my Cuddly Cathy doll that I love and I've had since I was five years old?
:'''Andre''': Nah, I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Robbie''': No, you've never mentioned it.
:'''Tori''': Oh. Well, Trina kidnapped her, and she wouldn't give her back unless-
:'''Robbie''': Unless you gave Trina the lead.
:'''Tori''': Yep.
:'''Andre''': That's jacked up.
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, but don't you think you're a little old to be playing with dolls?
:'''Rex''': Right!
:'''Robbie''': I know!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rex''': Hey, Trina.
:'''Trina''': What?
:'''Rex''': You wanna know my ''2'' favorite things about you? ''(Trina slaps him)'' 
:'''Robbie''': Trina!
:'''Rex''': You don't know what I was gonna say!
:'''Trina''': Shut it, puppet!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori tells her version)''
:'''Tori''': Okay, it was about twenty minutes before the play. I heard Jade come in, yelling for Robbie. 
:'''Jade''': ''(bursts in, as a monster)'' Blearrrrgh!!! Robbie! Me want Robbie, blearrgh!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Okay, hold on. Hold on! There is another person that had a reason to get back at Trina.
:'''Andre''': Well, it's not me! All I wanna do is go play with Kiko!
:'''Lane''': Who else had a motive to get back at Trina?
:'''Robbie''': Cat.
:''(everyone looks at Cat)'' 
:'''Cat''': Hi!
:'''Tori''': Cat?
:'''Cat''': Whatie?
:'''Jade''': Did you cut Trina's harness gimbel?
:'''Cat''': No, why would I want to hurt Trina?
:'''Robbie''': Cause of what happened between you two right before the play started.
:'''Lane''': Well, um...
:'''Andre''': Aw no, no! Now we gotta hear another version of the story from a unique point of view? ''(buries his head in a pillow on the couch and cries)''
:'''Robbie''': Ok, um... it was an unusually windy day here in Los Angeles...
:'''Tori''': Get to the point.
:'''Robbie''': Ok, um... Tori had just accidentally whacked Sinjin in the jaw and right about then Cat was helping me with my costume and feeling my muscles when Trina walked by and said...
:'''Trina''': ''(during Robbie's flashback)'' Hey Robbie, why don't you come backstage with me and help me do my makeup... or whatever?
:'''Robbie''': You make me happy.
:'''Cat''': ''(to Trina)'' Why don't you just get outta here?
:'''Trina''': Why don't you?
:'''Robbie''': Ladies, come on now. Look, there's 1 of me, 2 of you... ''(puts his arm around both)'' ...And 7 swinging days of the week. 
:'''Cat''': He even makes math hot.
:'''Trina''': Robbie's mine!
:'''Cat''': He loves me! ''(Trina hits her)'' Ow! You thwacked my head! She thwacked my head! I'll get you for that, Trina Vega!  I'll get you good!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': So, none of you people want me to have a pretty girlfriend, is that it? I find myself a Kiko, I make myself a Kiko date, and nobody cares! Well, that's cool.  Go on, Cat, tell us what happened. And start from the beginning.  Just start with Adam and Eve and go from there!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(in Jade's flashback, to Jade after she has violently screamed at Trina and punched Sinjin)'' Why can't I be pretty like you?
:''(in Lane's office)''
:'''Tori''': That's not even ''close'' to how it happened!
:'''Jade''': It's how ''I'' remember it.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, 'cause you're demented!
:'''Jade''': Oooohh, so you think I’m pretty and demented?
:'''Tori''': I never said you were pretty.  And I never punched Sinjin.
:'''Jade''': But you admit you threatened Trina!
:'''Tori''': No!
:'''Robbie''': Wait, I did kinda hear you tell Trina you were gonna kill her. ''(Lane looks at Tori in concern)''
:'''Cat''': So did I. But if you’re gonna try to kill me, too, then all I heard was pretty music. ''(Everyone looks at her)'' La la la la la...
:'''Jade''': ''(points to Robbie and Cat)'' 2 Witnesses.
:'''Andre''': Come on now, I know Tori and there's no way she'd ever-- ''(phone beeps)'' Aw, it's Kiko.  Tori's guilty, I gotta go!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lane''': Tell your story, Tori.
:'''Cat''': ‘Tori’s story!’ That’s so rhymie.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(after being told that her flasback is from a [[Drake &amp; Josh]] episode)'' Oh. Then I don't know what happened with Tori and Trina. Can I have some oatmeal? 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Scene of Robbie's bedroom)''
:'''Robbie''': Now, listen. Don't you ever put me in a situation like that ever again!
:'''Rex''': Relax, Rob.
:'''Robbie''': You shouldn't have cut Trina's gimbal.
:'''Rex''': Trina shouldn't have whacked me in the face!
:'''Robbie''': Mischief is never the answer!
:'''Rex''': Never?
:'''Robbie''': Never. You're just lucky I protected you. And-- And if anyone ever finds out--
:'''Rex''': They won't! 
:'''Robbie''': Good night. (Robbie turns off the light)
:'''Rex''': Nobody ever suspects the puppet!
:'''Robbie''': I thought you hated that word!
:'''Rex''': It's okay if I say it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Well, I guess someone should get this on video.
:''(She records Trina hanging from the wire and the set being destroyed)''
:'''Jade''': ''(to Cat)'' Thank you for making me come to this play.
:'''Cat''': That poor ranch house! ''(Trina is still hanging from the wire then falls to the floor and Cat is hiding her eyes)'' Please tell me it's over...
:''(wall falls on Trina)''
:'''Jade''': It's over.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Don't worry. One time, when my brother was in Vegas, he fell out of a fourth story hotel window and landed on the roof of a shuttle bus.
:'''Tori''': ''(looking worried)'' And he was okay?
:'''Cat''': No...
:'''Tori''': Well, but he's okay now?
:'''Cat''': No... he seriously messed up.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, come on! Nobody here would do that to Trina!
:'''Jade''': Except you.
:'''Tori''': What, me?
:'''Jade''': ''(imitates Tori)'' &quot;What, me? Why, I would never hurt my dear sister, Trina. Not me sweet Sally Peaches!&quot; ''(smiles innocently)''
:'''Tori''': I don't TALK LIKE THAT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sinjin''': I think Tori broke my jaw!
:'''Jade''': DUN DUN DUN!
:'''Cat''': ''(singing) La la la la la...''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lane''': And since Trina wasn't seriously hurt, I say we can put this whole incident behind us...
:'''Andre''': KIKO!!! Kiko, ha ha ha! ''(jumps off the couch and runs out of the room excitedly) (Tori gives a &quot;whatever&quot; type of look)''

==''Tori Tortures Teacher''==

:''(Tori and Andre walk in on Beck and Jade text fighting)''
:'''Andre''': I wonder what they're text fighting about?
:'''Tori''': Let's ask 'em.  Hey, you guys-
:'''Beck''': Stay out of it!
:'''Jade''': Back off!
:'''Tori''': ''(to Andre)'' I'd rather not get involved.
:'''Andre''': I think that's best.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, come on, for his ten year teaching anniversary you guys don't think he deserves a better present than a one cup coffe maker?
:'''Rex''': They should have got him a pair of shoes.  I'm tired of looking at that hippy's hairy feet.
:'''Robbie''': I think Sikowitz has cute feet.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Rex''': Man, Sikowitz is ten minutes late.
:'''Tori''': Where is he?
:'''Jade''': Maybe he locked himself in a dark closet because you forced him to watch a play that made his whole life seem like a big pile of garbage. ''(pause)'' And I'm gonnna have a banana. ''(takes one)''
:'''Tori''': You know, why don't I just lie on the floor so you can start kicking me?
:'''Jade''': ...You have that dream, too?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori, Andre, Robbie and Trina are sitting in a semi circle at the table, with a seat left open)''
:'''Andre''': How come none of us ever sit on ''that'' side of the table? ''(they all stare at the empty seat)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Tori. And, um... Elvis. Get up on the, uh... stage thing.
:'''Tori''': 'Kay...
:'''Beck''': Sure. ''(they do)''
:'''Tori''': Alright. What'cha uh, want us to do?
:'''Sikowitz''': Um...a scene. You both have the same line. &quot;Life is pain.&quot; So, you just keep saying that to each other. Over and over. Do it, action.
:'''Tori''': Life is... pain.
:'''Beck''': ''(waves)'' Life is pain.
:'''Sikowitz''': It certainly is ding, there's the bell, class dismissed. ''(walks out the window and falls into the bushes)''
:'''Jade''': Way to go, Tori. You broke Sikowitz!
:'''Tori''': I did not break Sikowitz. ''(Sikowitz can be heard moaning)'' I did not break Sikowitz-- ''(he moans again)'' I broke Sikowitz! ''(he moans a third time as she puts her hand on her head displeased)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Sikowitz says something in Spanish)''
:'''Tori''': That means &quot;I forgot to wear underwear&quot;. 
:'''Sikowitz:''' Are you sure? Because I thought... ''(checks)'' Yep, it does.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(to the bunny)'' Wanna watch [[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation|CSI]]?

==''Jade Gets Crushed''==

:'''Robbie''': Well, I'm awesome at song lyrics.
:'''Rex''': No, he's not. Run! Save yourselves!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Jade's not here yet?
:'''Andre''': Um, about Jade...
:'''Beck''': Yeah?
:'''Andre''': Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if she's the right girl to sing my song. 
:'''Beck''': Why not?
:'''Andre''': I dunno, I just...she scares me. 
:'''Beck''': Jade scares you?
:'''Andre''': She scares everybody.
:''(Jade bursts into the room with a pair of scissors)''
:'''Jade''': I am gonna kill him! ''(Andre backs off)''
:'''Beck''': What happened?
:'''Jade''': Sinjin sat on my new scissors!
:'''Beck''': Ok, calm down-
:'''Jade''': I am not gonna calm down! They're bent! They've lost their sciss! ''(she throws them across the room and they stick to the wall)''
:'''Beck''': ''(after a pause)'' You kids have fun.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Where'd you get those standees of Cat?
:'''Robbie''': Well, I just...brought 'em from home.
:'''Tori''': Why do you have-
:'''Robbie''': I'm a tutor, and I don't like to talk about things I do at my house!
:'''Tori''': Sorry.
:'''Robbie''': Ok, remember everything we went over?
:'''Tori''': I think so.
:'''Robbie''': Good. Now if you can do this last exercise in under thirty seconds, you should be able to pass your exam, no prob.
:'''Tori''': Does Cat know you have these?
:'''Robbie''':  No...''and don't tell her!''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Come on..you were tired, it was almost midnight. You were alone together and you were writing a song..that's an emotional thing! Maybe you just forgot that she's a mean vicious girl with deep psychological problems..
:'''André''': Yeah..maybe I just forgot those things..

==''Terror on Cupcake Street''==

:'''Sikowitz''': See? Not so easy to perform a scene when you have a bucket on your head, is it?
:'''Tori''': ...No.
:'''André''': It's difficult...
:'''Sikowitz''': Mm.. Yes. Well, class dismissed.
:'''Jade''': But we still have more time.
:'''Sikowitz''': We do? How much?
:'''Robbie''': 55 minutes.
:'''Sikowitz''': Oh. Oh! Well, actually I do have something I need to discuss with...some of you. Tori, Cat, Andre, Robbie, Jade, please stay. The rest of you may wander the halls. ''(everyone leaves except them)'' Thanks for coming, enjoy your day, I'm here all week. Tip your nurses and clowns. ''(he shuts the door after they all have left)''
:'''Cat''': Why did you make them leave?
:'''Sikowitz''': I don't know... they never talk.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, they just sit there and... ''(makes a reaction)'' ...'React'.
:'''Jade''': So what do you want with us?
:'''Sikowitz''': Who likes parades?
:'''Robbie''': Antonio Banderas!
:'''Rex''': Hillbillies!
:'''Jade''': No one!
:'''Sikowitz:''' Oh, c'mon, parades are fun!
:'''Cat''': One time my brother was in a parade, but he was inappropriate, so the parade people called the police, and now he's not allowed to be in parades. ''(pause)'' Or be near horses.
:'''Jade''': Play with the pretty keys.
:'''Cat''': Kay-kay. ''(takes the keys and plays with them)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Yay, Cupcake Power!  Wooo!!!
:'''Jade''': Hey, Cat! Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat. ''(Cat stops) '''YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Give me my keys back. ''(Cat gives them back)'' Where's my house key? ''(Cat moans)''
:'''Tori''': I'll take her to the nurse.
:'''Cat''': ''(quietly)'' I swallowed it.
:'''Tori''': We'll see it again.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Okay ''(sigh)''
:'''André''': Okay.
:'''Robbie''': Parade float.
:'''André''': Ideas.
:'''Cat''': What do we have so far?
:'''Tori''': Let's see... Oh, we have 2: 'A tribute to the fruits of Mexico' and 'Need good Idea for float.'
:'''Rex''': What was wrong with my idea?
:'''Tori''': No one wants to see a parade float called 'The Ladies of North Ridge.'
:'''André and Robbie''': Well...
:'''Tori''': Come on, guys, be serious. ''(Trina enters)'' You wanna look dumb on national tv?
:'''Trina''': ''(drops her glass)'' Who's gonna be on national tv?
:'''Cat''': We're performing in the Parade Parade.
:'''Trina''': I'll do it!
:'''Tori''': Trina...
:'''Trina''': No, seriously, I'll sing or dance, I can just stand on the float right in front and be the pretty girl.  I can totally be the pretty girl...
:'''Tori''': Alright, let's put it to a vote. All those--
:'''Andre, Robbie and Cat''': '''''NO!!'''''
:'''Trina''': Fine! I don't wanna be in it! I wouldn't be in it if you begged me! ''(Trina storms out and slams door, then opens the door after a pause)'' Just let me be in it?
:'''Everyone''': No!
:'''Trina''': I don't even wanna be in it! ''(she runs into Jade on the way out)''
:'''Jade''': Your sister just elbowed me in my lung!
:'''Robbie''': I'll get you some ice.
:'''Jade''': Sit down!
:'''Tori''': I'm sorry, did someone invite you here?
:'''Jade''': Beck told me you guys were appearing on national TV?
:'''Tori''': So?
:'''Jade''': And you think you're doing that without me?
:'''Andre''': You stormed out of Sikowitz's class! ''(Jade advances towards him threateningly)'' I feel that Jade should be included.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Beck and Andre are wearing their pajama costumes)''
:'''Andre''': We don't wanna wear these!
:'''Cat''': Why don't you guys like your costumes?
:'''Beck''': ''(looks down at his costume in disbelief)'' W-why?
:'''Cat''': They're candy jammies, they go perfect with our cupcake theme.
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, they do.  I think they're rad cool!
:'''Jade''': ''(sarcastic)'' Yeah, they look adorable.
:'''Tori''': You know, she wants us all to wear them.
:'''Jade''': ''(turns to Cat)'' I will pop your head like a zit.
:'''Cat''': ''(holds her hands to her head)'' Graphic. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': What street are we on?
:'''Rex''': Yeah, what street?
:'''Beck''': Let's just say... it ain't [[Sesame Street]]. (Oh, wait. That's in New York.)
:'''Cat''': I love Sesame Street. ''(starts singing) Sunny--''
:'''Jade''': '''''NO!!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
 
:'''Robbie''': I'm gonna go get some help!
:'''Everyone''': Okay.
:'''Robbie''': Hey, hey! Can you help us? We need our tire fixed!
:'''Thug''': We'll fix your tire ''real'' good!

==External links==
[[Category:Victorious seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]

[[Category:Victorious seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>l7hfp91oidv8qscoessseo0w179hnew</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Victorious (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <parentid>3124098</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:30:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.106.24.193</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Andre's Horrible Girl */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="80004" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Season''' [[Victorious (season 1)|1]] [[Victorious (season 2)|2]] [[Victorious (season 3)|3]] [[Victorious (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Victorious|Main]]'''
----

'''''[[w:Victorious|Victorious]] '''''(stylized as ''VIC'''TORi'''OUS'') is an American sitcom created by Dan Schneider that originally aired on Nickelodeon from March 27, 2010 to February 2, 2013. The series revolves around aspiring singer Tori Vega (portrayed by {{w|Victoria Justice}}), a teenager who attends a performing arts high school called Hollywood Arts High School, after taking her older sister Trina's ({{w|Daniella Monet}}) place in a showcase while getting into {{w|screwball comedy|screwball}} situations on a daily basis. On her first day at Hollywood Arts, she meets Andre Harris ({{w|Leon Thomas III}}), Robbie Shapiro ({{w|Matt Bennett}}), Rex Powers (Robbie's puppet), Jade West ({{w|Elizabeth Gillies}}), Cat Valentine ({{w|Ariana Grande}}), and Beck Oliver ({{w|Avan Jogia}}). 

==''A Christmas Tori''==

:'''Robbie''': Ho, ho, and ho.
:'''Cat''': Hi, hi, and HI!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Ho ho ho! And...jingle bells. ''(Andre reaches for Robbie's chair.)''
:'''Tori''': No no Andre, don't do it, don't-''(he knocks the chair over and Robbie falls to the floor.)'' Ohhh, you did it.
:'''Jade''': I bet that jingled his bells.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''':  How do you go from an A to a D so fast?
:'''Jade''': That happened to me in eighth grade. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Jade! You're Tori's Secret Santa, and that be that.
:'''Jade''': But why do I have to-
:'''Beck''': ''(very fast)'' He said he's not gonna change it, so just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it?!
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(puts his arms on Beck)'' His heart is vibrating. How much coffee have you drunk?
:'''Beck''': A lot, like, a lot. I don't know, like, maybe seven cups, a lot, is there a problem?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Look! It's a little...ceramic guitar. I made it at Color me Pot.
:'''Trina''': I thought Sikowitz said that your Secret Santa gifts have to be really special, and creative.
:'''Tori''': He did.
:'''Trina''': Well, that's ugly. And useless.
:'''Tori''': No, it's cute. And look. You can pretend to play it, like... ''(pretends to strum it like a real guitar)'' DER NAO NAO! TORI GAVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT, AND IT'S A TINY GUITARRRRRR! ''(Trina starts to leave)'' ...Why are you walking away?
:'''Trina''': 'Cause i'm embarrassed for you!
:'''Tori''': THAT WAS MEAN...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Christmas beef?
:'''Andre''': Yeah, sure. ''(takes a piece but then gets suspicious)'' ...Wait. Who made this?
:'''Cat''': My brother!
:'''Andre''': Uh-uh. ''(puts it back)''
:'''Cat''': Why not?
:'''Andre''': 'Cause last month I had his Thanksgiving sausage and i'm still a mess.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Mister Robbie Shapiro.
:'''Robbie''': Hey, Beck!
:'''Beck''': Let's talk Secret Santa.
:'''Robbie''': You're my Secret Santa?
:'''Beck''': Merry Christmas, Rob! ''(gestures behind him, and Christie comes out)''
:'''Robbie''': You bought me a girl? ''(claps hands excitedly)''
:'''Beck''': No, no. Remember you used to talk about that bully, the one that used to beat you up when you were seven?
:'''Robbie''': Yeah, Christie Vacaras. I hated that beefy little witch. Her and her mean face.
:'''Beck''': And you always say you'd kill for just one chance to tell her off?
:'''Robbie''': Yeah?
:'''Beck''':  Robbie, Christie Vacaras.
:'''Robbie''': You found her? You're Christie?
:'''Christie''': So, you want to tell me off?
:'''Robbie''': Well...I did. But now you're hot!
:'''Beck''': Maybe you kids should go to Jet Brew and talk things over.
:'''Robbie''': I'm not paying three dollars for a cup of coffee. ''(Beck rolls his eyes and gives Robbie some money)'' Ooh, this'll buy coffee and scanes.
:'''Beck''': ''(correcting Robbie)'' Scones. 
:'''Robbie''': Maybe in Canada.
:'''Beck''': Merry Christmas, Rob!
:''(Robbie takes Christie's hand and walks away)''
:'''Christie''': Your hand is sweaty.
:'''Robbie''': I know. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hi, Secret Santa time!
:'''Jade''': ''(gestures to Beck)'' You mine or his?
:'''Cat''': Yours!  For you!
:'''Jade''': ''(snatches gift)'' Give it!
:''(Tori comes over)''
:'''Tori''': Hey, guys, can I ask you-
:'''Jade''': Shut up!  I'm opening a Christmas Present!
:'''Tori''': Grunch
:''(Jade opens gift)''
:'''Jade''': Oh, my God, Cat, you did not.
:''(Cat squeals and giggles)''
:'''Beck''': Scissors?
:'''Jade''': They're special scissors!
:'''Beck''': Ok.
:'''Cat''': They're from a real movie!
:'''Jade''': I cannot believe you got me these.
:'''Tori''': What movie are they from?
:'''Jade''': &quot;The Scissoring.&quot;
:'''Tori''': Wait, that one about the girl that comes back from the dead and uses a pair of scissors on her two best friends?
:'''Beck''': Yep.
:'''Jade''': ''(twirls scissors and looks at Tori)'' Starting with the pretty girl.
:'''Tori''': Oh. Um...anyways. You guys I'm Andre's Secret Santa, and I have like, no clue what to get him.
:'''Cat''': Just get him a present!
:'''Beck''': Oh my god...
:'''Tori''': ''(touches Cat's shoulder)'' Okay, help me, please! I don't want to give him the worst present, and then have to go Christmas yodeling with Sikowitz.
:'''Jade''': Two words.
:'''Beck''': I bet they won't be helpful.
:'''Jade''': Your problem.
:'''Beck''': I was right.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Courtney!  Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa. 
:'''Sinjin''': What'd you get?
:'''Courtney''': A cricket.
:'''Sinjin''': That's hot.

==''The Breakfast Bunch''==

:'''Andre''': Well, this is a great way to spend a Saturday.
:'''Tori''': I have never had detention before.
:'''Robbie''': I'm kinda nervous.
:'''Jade''': ''(to Robbie)'' If you hadn't made us late for class, we wouldn't be here!
:'''Robbie''': ''(angrily to Jade)'' I was choking on a pretzel!
:'''Andre''': ''(angrily)'' Well, why do you always gotta be chokin' on somethin'?!
:'''Beck''': ''(to Andre)'' Ah, give him a break.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, it's not Robbie's fault he has a petite throat!
:'''Robbie''': ''(angrily)'' It's average!
:'''Rex''': ''(angrily)'' &quot;Ah&quot;!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mr. Dickers''': Well, well. It's 7:06 here in Los Angeles. That means that in Australia, it's yesterday! ''(pause)'' Or tomorrow.
:'''Robbie''': Y'know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Put a sock in it, Afro! You clowns are gonna sit in here all day and think about why you're in detention! ''(Jade leans back and spits her gum in the air; Rex leans back and catches it in his mouth)'' Now, cellphones! Let's have 'em.
:'''Beck''': Why?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Because in detention, there are no phone calls!
:'''Beck''': What about texting?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': NO.
:'''Andre''': E-mail?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': NO!!!
:'''Tori''': Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?
:'''Cat''': I love Grumpy Gerbils!
:'''Robbie''': I can't get past Level 23.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': ZIP IT, corn pie!
:'''Jade''': Can we ''have'' corn pie?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': SHUT UP! ''(brief pause)'' PHONES!!! ''(the gang all put their phones in the box)'' Now... I'm gonna put your box of phones right here! ''(puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand)'' What, &quot;princess&quot;?
:'''Tori''': I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here! ''(points to it)''
:'''Robbie''': Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140 degrees-
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Pipe down, side salad! Eat the tuna or starve! I could care less!
:'''Andre''': I think you mean you couldn't care less.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': What's that?
:'''Beck''': You said you could care less.
:'''Tori''': Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': I don't.
:'''Beck''': Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.
:'''Robbie''': But you did not.
:'''Cat''': Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon?  He said &quot;One small step for man.&quot;  I would've just said &quot;Oh, my god, I'm on the moon!&quot; ''(Beck smiles)''
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Alright, not another word!
:'''Jade''': Word.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.
:'''Jade''': Did I get a good deal on it?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': You just bought yourself another one! ''(Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)''
:'''Jade''': Okay, look, I'm sorry, I apologize.
:'''Mr. Dickers''': That's 3! 3 Saturdays!
:'''Tori''': But she was apologizing!
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Okay, Vega, now you got one!
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Boom! Another one!
:'''Tori''': I don't want another one!
:'''Mr. Dickers''': That's three! You want to to try for four?
:'''Tori''': I really don't!
:'''Mr. Dickers''': That's 4! You want 5?
:'''Jade''': '''''YES!!!'''''
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Okay, Vega, you just got 5!
:'''Tori''': What?!
:'''Cat''':  ''(silently)'' Tori, stop!
:'''Tori''': Stop what? Jade said yes!
:'''Rex''': I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. ''(Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)''
:'''Mr. Dickers''': ''(to Rex)'' Oh, yeah?  I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack! Anybody else? Huh? Anybody? ''(no one speaks)'' You mess with the cow... you get the udders. ''(Dickers leaves the library as the door closes)''
:'''Tori''': '''FORGET YOU!!!'''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori takes her taco)''
:'''Tori''': Ooh, still warm.
:'''Andre''': Well, they were in Robbie's pants.
:'''Beck''': Can you ''not'' say that again?
:'''Jade''': Cat, you're not eating your taco.
:'''Cat''': ''(nervously)'' Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay! ''(the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)''
:'''Jade''': '''VEGAN.'''
:'''Cat''': I am ''not''.
:'''Jade''': Then eat your taco if you're ''not'' a vegan. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': You know what I can go for right now? 
:'''Andre''': Tacos?
:'''Beck''': How'd you know?
:'''Andre''': I felt you, dawg. ''(Beck smiles)''
:'''Tori''': Tacos. Those are really good right now.
:'''Jade''': ''(while ripping paper)'' I'm down for tacos.
:'''Robbie''': ''(nervously)'' Yeah. I love tacos. 
:'''Jade''': ''(about Cat)'' Look who's being real quiet.
:'''Cat''': I'm just not that hungry right now.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?
:'''Cat''': Leave me alone.
:'''Andre''': What's going on here?
:'''Jade''': ''(goes to Cat)'' Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.
:'''Cat''': I'm not that pristine.  ''(pause)'' Wait, what's pristine mean?
:'''Jade''': ''(to Cat)'' Are you a vegan?
:'''Beck''': Knock it off, guys.
:'''Rex''': What's a vegan?
:'''Robbie''': It's a person who doesn't eat meat.
:'''Rex''': I love meat!
:'''Robbie''': Shhh!
:'''Rex''': Don't shush me!
:'''Jade''': C'mon, Cat, tell us.  Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat... lettuce... shredded cheese... ''(Jade glares at Cat)''
:''(Tori comes over)''
:'''Tori''': Hey! Leave her alone.
:'''Jade''': What are you gonna do if I don't?
:'''Tori''': Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. ''(Cat gasps)''
:'''Jade''': Oh, really?
:'''Tori''': Two clicks.  One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I ''really'' wanna unfriend you. ''(Jade glares at Tori)''
:'''Andre''': Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?
:'''Tori''': I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.
:'''Robbie''': ''(crying)'' You're so conceited, Tori!  You're so conceited! 
:'''Tori''': ''(confused)'' What?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(the group is avoiding Mr. Dickers in the hall when they run into some wet floor signs)''
:'''Tori''':  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The floor's wet.
:'''Cat''': We can't run across that, it's too dangerous!
:'''Jade''': Way to go, Tori. You just had to have your taco!
:'''Robbie''': We're dead...
:'''Tori''': No...just me. ''(stuffs the bag of tacos in Robbie's pants)'' You guys get back to the library.
:'''Cat''': What about you?
:'''Tori''': I'm gonna get Dickers' attention.
:'''Beck''': How?
:'''Tori''': ''(singing loud and off key while running and ripping posters)'' HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN... FEELING LOST... ''(The screen cuts to Dickers turning suspicious and heading in the direction of the singing)'' YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION... IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME, WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE-''(bumps into Dickers)''
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Oh, ho ho. I'm gonna make it shine. I'm gonna make it shine REAL good!
:'''Tori''': Listen-
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Aaaaaahhhh, you're in big trouble, Vega.
:'''Tori''': For what?
:'''Mr. Dickers''': For leaving the library, skinny jeans! And singing off-key! Come on. ''(pulls Tori by the arm)''
:'''Tori''': I was running and singing at the same time, that's-that's really hard!
:'''Mr. Dickers''': Oh, SHUT UP!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mr. Dickers''': ''(to Tori)'' Sorry. Just trying to kill that fly.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Are we gonna be just like our parents?
:'''Jade''': When you get old, your butt sags.
:'''Beck''': And you can't find your pants.
:'''Andre''': Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, &quot;You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! ''Number one!!!''&quot; And I wanna tell him &quot;Hey, man, get off my chizz!&quot; But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.
:'''Tori''': ''(raises hand)'' I have a weird talent.
:'''Robbie''': ''(crying)'' You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited! 
:'''Cat''': What's your talent?
:'''Jade''': Yeah, let's see it. ''(everybody joins in)''
:'''Tori''': Okay. Okay. I'll show you. ''(Tori starts pulling out her socks )'' Can't believe I'm doing this. 
:''(Tori gets a bow and arrow and uses it with her own feet and the arrow hits a poster. All of them start talking in amazement)'' 
:'''Jade''': ''(sarcastically)'' That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?
:'''Beck''': ''(after a pause)'' I'm sorry, did I miss something?
:'''Jade''': Go on. Shoot another arrow.
:'''Tori''': Shut. ''Up''.
:'''Jade''': Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.
:'''Tori''': ''SHUT UP!''
:'''Jade''': BECAUSE MY DAD CAN'T DO ''ANYTHING'' WITH HIS FEET!
:'''Tori''': That is ''not'' my fault!
:'''Andre''': ''STOP IT!!!'' As teenagers, we are all under ''too much pressure!!!''
:''(after a brief pause, everybody starts laughing)''
:'''Cat''': ''(as Robbie starts to tackle Tori)'' Robbie!
:''(while everybody is laughing, Robbie blows raspberries on Tori's stomach)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori and the gang are leaving when they walk past a man in a panda suit holding a balloon)''
:'''Jade''': See you next Saturday. 
:''(Beck salutes the panda. Tori waves at the panda, who gave Tori the balloon as they leave. The panda waves back.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(after Mr. Dickers has caught Tori and pulled her into the janitor's closet)''
:'''Mr. Dickers''': That's the last time, Vega. That's the last time you run around these halls singing about making things shine!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': What are you guys talking about?
:'''Robbie''': Nothing, nothing!
:'''Jade''': Robbie's trying to tell me that sometimes you both crunch the corn shell together.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(closing letter)''
:'''Rex''': Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...
:'''Tori''': A future popstar.
:'''Andre''': A musician.
:'''Beck''': An actor.
:'''Robbie''': A nerd with temporarily straight hair.
:'''Jade''': A girl who likes scissors...
:'''Cat''': And me!!!!
:'''Rex''': Cat, they can't see you, baby.
:'''Cat''': Oh... it's Cat, bye!
:'''Rex''': Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Beck and Andre are straightening Robbie's hair)''
:'''Andre''': You look a lot better without those black curls in your hair.
:'''Robbie''': Hey! I like black curls. ''(pause)'' So why are you guys being so nice to me?
:'''Beck''': Because you're letting us. ''(Andre, Beck and Robbie laugh. Robbie attempts to hug Beck backwards)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori shows everyone the tacos she got in her locker)''
:'''Robbie''': Tacos. The girl has tacos. ''(Tori leaves, followed by Andre, Beck and Jade)'' They're tacos. ''(Beck pats Robbie)'' ''(to Cat)'' Do you approve of this? ''(Cat doesn't speak)''

==''The Gorilla Club''==
:'''Tori''': YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MAKES ME '''SICK'''?!
:'''Cat''': Is it eating tuna fish on a ferris wheel? ...Cause I did that once, and I threw up on a bird.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': ''(reading the tracking number)'' Here it is, tracking number. A, K, 4, 5, 5, H, J, 1, 4, 7, 7, H, Y, 7, F, L, 4... ''(later)'' 6, Q, L, 4, K, 3, 2, A, M, T, Y... ''(later)'' K, L, 5, 4, 9, B, D, 6.
:'''Jade''': Will you stop that?!
:'''Trina''': Shush, they're about to tell me where my package is!
:'''Receptionist''': Your package was delivered at...8:21 PM.
:'''Trina''': 8:21?
:'''Robbie''': It's 8:21 right now.
:'''Trina''': Oh. ''(runs to the door)'' I don't see the-''(gets hit by the package and falls to the floor)''
:'''Tori''': Your package is here!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': Uh, Elise! Hey, Elise!
:'''Elise''': Um... Andre? Right?
:'''Andre''': Andre. Yeah. So, uh, here's what's up. Some friends of mine might be going to the Gorilla Club tonight. And if you don't have any plans, I was thinking maybe me and you--- ''(Jades sneaks behind him)''
:'''Jade''': HAMMER TIME. 
:'''Andre''': Not now. All right. I'm trying to talk to this----
:'''Jade''': STOP! HAMMER TIME. ''(Jade plays a MC Hammer-like song on her PearPad. Then, Andre starts to dance like MC Hammer. Elise then leaves.)''
:'''Andre''': ''(following Elise while still dancing)'' Wait! Wait, Elise! Don't walk away from a man when he's Hammer dancing!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': It's for a role in a movie, about a teenager whose parents send her to a home for troubled girls.
:'''Cat''': Oh.  One time my brother went to a home for troubled girls.
:'''Tori''': Why?
:'''Cat''': To meet troubled girls.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(When Tori is practicing her audition as Sikowitz, Andre and Robbie watch her, Jade suddenly enters with a big boombox.)''
:'''Jade''': HAMMER TIME.
:'''Andre''': Ugh!
:'''Robbie''': Darn it, oh! ''(Robbie and Andre stand up as Jade plays the boombox. A song similar to MC Hammer's starts to play and both Robbie and Andre start dancing like MC Hammer.)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Oh my God!
:'''Tori''': His tush is lopsided! 
:'''Robbie''': DON'T LOOK AT IT! ''(Robbie and Andre continue dancing)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(to the Gorilla)'' HAMMER TIME!!!!! ''(starts dancing like MC Hammer as the music plays)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': People leave here ''alive'', right?
:'''Beck''': Sometimes.
:'''Andre''': I think I just stepped in some blood. ''(a manager comes up to them)''
:'''Manager''': ''(hands Tori, Andre, Cat, and Beck clipboards)'' Here. Sign 'em!
:'''Tori''': Why do we have to sign these?
:'''Beck''': It just says that if you try any of the challenges here, you won't sue the place if you get...dead.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thug''': She's not supposed to be laughing on the bunny!
:'''Andre''': Well, what do you want me to do?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori manages to win the Gorilla challenge)''
:'''Tori''': TORI VEGA BEAT THE BIG BAD..... ''(suddenly, the gorilla attacks Tori)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(While Tori is preparing to take on the gorilla. Jade sneaks behind Robbie and Andre)''
:'''Jade''': Hey, move!
:'''Robbie''': Why should we move?
:'''Andre''': We were here first!
:'''Jade''': Okay. ''[yells] '''HAMMER TIME!!''''' 
:'''DJ''': Yeah! ''(the DJ plays the same MC Hammer-like song. Then, Andre and Robbie both start dancing like MC Hammer. Everybody starts to cheer on the two.)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': You did it!
:'''Tori''': Shoosh yeah, I did!
:'''Beck''': WHO'S A ROCKSTAR?!?!
:'''Tori''': MEEEEEEEEE!
:'''Beck''': Whoo! ''(they hi-five)'' You are definitely a real risk taker!
:'''Tori''': I know! And to prove it even more you know what i'm gonna do RIGHT NOW?!
:'''Beck''': WHAT?
:'''Tori''': I'm gonna use the bathroom HERE! ''(jumps)''
:'''Beck''': ...Sitting?
:'''Tori''': ''(in a menacing voice)'' ''Sitting.''

==''The Worst Couple''==

:'''Cat''': Ooooh! What if we act out the final scene from Titanic? When the boats sink? ...Oh my god, I just gave away the ending! Spoiler alert! ''(laughs)''
:'''André''': You know, whenever she starts talking, I think to myself &quot;Maybe this time it'll make sense.&quot;  I'm always wrong.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Hey, if we're gonna keep talking about Tori's phone, could someone please take me to a car door so I can '''SLAM MY FACE IN IT'''?
:'''Beck''': ''(smiling)'' I have a car! ''(turns to Jade)''
:'''Jade''': ''(in a slow, offended tone)'' OH.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(after the Northridge girls help her plug her phone in)'' Yay! My phone came on.
:'''Talking Reggie''': Yay! My phone came on.
:'''Tori''': Aw, MAN!
:'''Talking Reggie''': Aw, MAN!
:'''André''': You got the Talking Reggie app?
:'''Talking Reggie''': You got the Talking Reggie app?
:'''Tori''': Yes... ''(she tries to shut it off)''
:'''Talking Reggie''': Yes...
:'''Jade''': Turn it off!
:'''Tori''': Shut...up! ''(presses more buttons)''
:'''Talking Reggie''': Shut...up! ''(Tori sighs)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Dolphins creep me out, so I will not go in the ocean!
:'''Sinjin''': JUST SAY A, B OR C!
:'''Jade''': B!
:'''Beck''': Maybe it was A!
:'''Jade''': I DON'T CARE!
:'''Beck''': '''I'M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP!!!''' ''(pause)''
:'''Sinjin''': ...We'll be right back with more of Queries for Couples.
:'''Trina''': ''(walks up next to him)'' Starring Trina.
:'''Sinjin''': STOP IT!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': What up, girlfriend?
:'''Tori''': Stop pretending we're a couple! The game show is over. ''[squeezes Robbie's mouth]''
:'''Robbie''': Amhh, I don't think you should be getting snippy with your pretend boyfriend who fixed your PearPhone without your attention.
:'''Tori''': You fixed it?
:'''Robbie''': Yep, your mobile phone is once again mobile.
:'''Tori''': What... what... what is this?
:'''Robbie''': Car batteries, from a Volvo.
:'''Tori''': So I'm supposed to walk around with these giant car batteries to power my phone?
:'''Robbie''': Or you can just buy a new GX and replace that one.
:'''Tori''': No, if I buy another GX I guarantee you the new XT will come out like the next day and then I'll be the pre-turd with the stupid GX while everybody else has the cool new XT.
:'''Robbie''': ''(touches her shoulder)'' Take it easy, baby.
:'''Tori''': ''(sternly)'' Robbie...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sinjin''': ''(while begging Tori and her friends to be the contestants for his game show)'' Don't blow this for me, Tori!!!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Beck is holding Jade while walking in the hallway)''
:'''Jade''': I'm done talking about it! 
:'''Beck''': No! We're not!
:'''Jade''': He's KIDNAPPING me! ''(shouting)'' You wanna see a kidnapper?! KIDNAPPER! Let go! ''(Beck brings Jade inside the janitor's closet)'' KIDNAPPER!
:'''Beck''': This is not funny.
:'''Jade''': Right! What's funny is you freaking out over a dumb game show!
:'''Beck''': We were voted worst couple. And the other two couples weren't even real couples! And one had Robbie in it!
:'''Jade''': Why do you care if we were voted worst couple?
:'''Beck''': It's a matter of- ''(Cat walks in with three spoons)''
:'''Cat''': Is this a closet party? Look, I have spoons!
:'''Beck''': Cat, come here. We need your opinion on something.
:'''Cat''': On global warming?
:'''Beck''': No.
:'''Cat''': 'Cause I don't think that's really happening.
:'''Beck''': Cat...
:'''Cat''': Seriously. I went to the movies the other night, and it was so cold...
:'''Beck''': CAT!
:'''Cat''': Hi. ''(waves her arms)''
:'''Beck''': We need your opinion on us.
:'''Jade''': Why not just ask a monkey?!
:'''Cat''': I saw a movie about a monkey! He wore glasses and carried a gun.
:'''Beck''': Don't you think Jade and I fight a lot?
:'''Cat''': Sure.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, but all boyfriends and girlfriends fight ''a lot'', don't they?
:'''Cat''': Well sometimes, we-
:'''Jade''': Yes or no?! ''(Cat yelps)''
:'''Beck''': LET HER TALK!
:'''Jade''': You never listen to me talk!
:'''Cat''': Can I go now? 
:'''Jade''': No! ''(grabs Cat by the backpack)'' What is your point here, anyway?!
:'''Beck''': I would like to have a girlfriend I can talk to without it turning into a screaming match!
:'''Jade''': Yeah, well i'd like a boyfriend who other girls don't stare at all the time!
:'''Cat''': I thought this was a closet party.
:'''Beck''': How is it my fault girls stare at me?!
:'''Jade''': Oh, you could look worse if you wanted to.
:'''Cat''': ''(panicked)'' I'm under my bed, i'm under my bed, i'm under my bed... ''(puts her hands on her ears while gasping)''
:'''Beck''': I can't believe how jealous you get.
:'''Jade''': Oh! Oh, so you think I'm ugly.
:'''Beck''': What?! ''(to Cat)'' Who sai-did I say she was ugly?!
:'''Jade''': Cat thinks we're a perfect couple!
:'''Beck''': Cat, are Jade and I a perfect couple?
:'''Jade''': DON'T ANSWER THAT!
:'''Beck''': Answer it!
:'''Jade''': SAY NOTHING!
:'''Beck''': Come on!
:'''Jade''': '''''YOU COME ON!!!!'''''
:''(Cat faints and drops her spoons)''
:'''Beck''': We made Cat faint.
:'''Jade''': I'm late for class. ''(Jade leaves)''
:'''Beck''': We're gonna have to finish this sooner or later!
:'''Jade''': Later!
:'''Beck''': ''(leaves the closet and walks past the janitor named Luther)'' Hi.
:''(Luther enters the closet. Cat is still lying on the ground. Luther, who did not notice Cat, gets a sledgehammer and a bundle of rope. Suddenly, Lane walks in.)''
:'''Lane''': Hey, Luth. Somebody spilled a soda on the floor in the gym and it--- ''(both Lane and Luther saw Cat lying on the ground unconscious)''
:'''Lane''': ''(in a disapproving tone)'' Oh, Luther. Why?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori, Cat, André, Robbie, Trina and Rex are playing poker and discussing Tori's phone)''
:'''André''': Just buy yourself another Pearphone GX.
:'''Tori''': No, if I buy another GX, they're ''(everyone joins Tori)'' gonna announce the XT the next day, and then everyone will have a new XT and I'll be stuck with the stupid GX.
:'''Rex''': I'm so sick of hearing that.
:'''Tori''': Well, there's no need for you guys to mock me simultaneously.  
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!
:'''Beck''': See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.
:'''Tori''': Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-
:'''Beck''': Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.
:'''Tori''': Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?
:'''Jade''': What?!
:'''André''': Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!
:'''Robbie''': One time! I cried one time!
:'''Rex''': Six.
:'''Robbie''': Six times!
:'''Beck''': See?! We fight so much, even our ''friends'' don't want us around!
:'''Jade''': Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, no one likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.
:'''Cat''': Arf!
:'''Trina''': Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! ''(Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)''
:'''Tori''': So...why don't you guys play cards with us. ''(touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)''
:'''Beck''': Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.
:'''Jade''': So you wanna break up?
:'''Beck''': No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...
:'''Trina''': Are...you guys might break up? Because i'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- ''(Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)''
:'''Jade''': Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.
:'''Beck''': I'm tired of fighting.
:'''Jade''': Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.
:'''Cat''': Don't forget three. ''(everyone looks at her)'' Some people forget it.
:'''Jade''': If I get to 10 and you're not out there, I'm going home… and we're ''over. [Jade goes outside]'' 1!
:'''Trina''': ''(while touching Beck seductively)'' I would ''never'' fight with you. 
:'''Jade''': 2… 3… ''[Cat claps]'' 4… ''[Beck heads to the door]'' 5… ''[Trina follows Beck to stop him]'' 6… ''[Trina jumps on Beck and pins him down]''
:'''Tori''': TRINA! ''[Tori, André, Robbie and Cat go to Trina]''
:'''Trina''': Just give me a chance! 
:'''Beck''': Stop!
:'''Trina''': Just give me a chance!
:'''Beck''': Get OFF! NO!''(André and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)''
:'''Trina''': I'm a really fun girl... ''(Robbie pins Trina)''
:'''Beck''': ''(to Trina)'' No! You're not!
:'''Trina''': ''(while holding Beck's leg)'' ...And so good looking!
:'''Beck''': Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! ''(Beck stands up and goes to the door)''
:'''Jade''': 7… ''(Beck holds the doorknob and stops)'' 8… ''(Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing herself and winking)'' 9… ''(André, Cat and Tori glare at one another)'' 10! ''(Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door, but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)''
:'''Beck''': Let's play some cards.
:'''Tori''': ''(sadly)'' Yeah, let's play… ''(everybody goes to the table to play cards)''
:'''Cat''': I'll pick up the cards.
:'''André''': Make sure you get all 52.
:'''Cat''': KK. 1, 2, ''(forgets three)'' 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... ''(Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori has bought a new Pearphone GX. Suddenly, Trina walks in)''
:'''Trina''': Hey. Look what I got, everyone. ''(shows her new Pearphone XT)''
:'''Robbie''': The new Pearphone XT?!
:'''Trina''': Yep. ''(Tori, surprised, looks at the phone)''
:'''Tori''': What? No, no, no, no, no..
:'''Trina''': Uh huh. They just hit the Pear Store this morning.
:'''Sinjin''': ''(also holding a Pearphone XT)'' I got one too.
:'''Boy #1''': ''(also holding Pearphone XT)'' Same here.
:'''Boy #2''': Uh huh.
:'''Boy #3''': I got one.
:'''Luther''': ''(holding also a Pearphone XT and a sledgehammer)'' I got a blue one...... with ''unlimited'' texting.
:'''Tori''': ''(furiously)'' DOG JAM IT! ''(goes to the trash can)'' Buh-bye! ''(drops the phone in the trash can)''
:'''Talking Reggie''': Buh-bye! :'''Tori''': Ugh! ''(kicks the trash can and leaves)'' :'''Talking Reggie''': EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

==''Andre's Horrible Girl''==

:''(Cat puts a dollar in the soda machine, picks a drink, takes it and immediately throws it in the trash. The bell rings)''
:'''Jade''': Cat? Why'd you just throw your drink in the trash?
:'''Cat''': 'Cause I wasn't thirsty.
:'''Jade''': But...but you bought the-ah, forget it.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(to the puppy)'' Jade seems really mean, but don't worry, she is.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(Jade sits beside Cat)'' Yay, we're hanging out togethe-- ''(Cat is about to hug Jade)''
:'''Jade''': '''''NO!!''' (Cat recoils)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': I'm pretty sure we're not supposed-
:'''Jade''': ''(touches the guitar)'' Look! I'm touching the guitar, see. ''(in an Elvis Presley accent)'' I'm Elvis Presley and i'm touching my guitar. That's right, baby. I touched the boss' skull and now i'm touching my special guitar. ''(in regular voice)'' See? I touched the guitar and nothing bad happened. ''(guitar falls and crashes through the window. Cat stares in shock)'' ...That guitar was not properly hung.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': ''(upon hearing Andre knock frantically)'' Who is it? Are you a criminal?!
:'''Andre''': Not really.
:'''Tori''': It's open! ''(Andre comes in)''
:'''Andre''': ''(takes off his jacket)'' Hey.
:'''Tori''': Aren't you supposed to be at Hope's party?
:'''Andre''': Yes. Yes, I am. I'm supposed to be at her birthday party, i'm supposed to perform a song, and i'm supposed to like her. But I don't! I don't like that girl at all! ''(takes a pillow from the couch)'' Not even a little bit! And I don't know WHAT TO DO! ''(slams the pillow on the couch)''
:'''Tori''': Want some mashed potatoes?
:'''Andre''': No! I don't want any...''(beat)'' Gimme the bowl. ''(takes the bowl out of Tori's hands)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Jade attempts to put duct tape around the broken guitar. After doing so, Jade holds the guitar but it snaps again.)''
:'''Cat''': Do you think my mom's boss would notice?
:'''Robbie''': ''(outside)'' Cat! Hey, Cat!
:'''Cat''': We're in here!
:'''Jade''': You called Robbie?!
:'''Cat''': Yeah, so he can help us put up the guitar and fix the window.
:'''Jade''': Robbie can barely work his zipper on his own pants! ''(Cat giggles)''
:'''Robbie''': ''(entering the room holding a bucket of materials)'' What's up, little pigeons? ''(Suddenly, Beck enters, also holding some materials, which leaves Jade surprised)''
:'''Cat''': Hi.
:'''Jade''': ''(to Cat)'' Why did you invite Beck?!
:'''Beck''': ''(to Robbie)'' You didn't tell me Jade was gonna be here?
:'''Robbie''': I didn't know!
:'''Beck''': ''(to Jade)'' I thought you had a date tonight.
:'''Jade''': Why'd you think that?
:'''Beck''': It said so on your Slap page.
:'''Jade''': Why you stalking my Slap page?
:'''Beck''': Why do you care?
:'''Cat''': Why is Robbie's zipper down? ''(Robbie notices and pulls it up)''
:'''Jade''': Look, let's just get this stupid guitar fixed and hung back up there before Cat's mom's boss gets back.
:'''Cat''': We have to fix the window, too.
:'''Robbie''': Oooh! I'll find a window repair company using the new feature on my PearPhone. ''(his PearPhone dings)'' I need a window repair company in Beverly Hills.
:'''PearPhone''': ''(ding)'' Checking for...adult diapers. ''(Cat, Jade and the puppy all look questioned)''
:'''Robbie''': N-n-n-n-n-no, that was my last search.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(back at the mansion, Robbie and Jade fix the guitar while Beck and Cat talk to the window repair company worker)''
:'''Beck''': Thanks for fixing the window.
:'''Cat''': Yeah. And we didn't even notice you lack of hair. ''(the worker leaves as Cat waves)''
:'''Beck''': Guitar all good up there?
:'''Robbie''': Yep-per-die-doo.
:'''Jade''': Yeah! And look. You can't even see where it broke. 
:'''Robbie''': Nope.
:'''Cat''': Yay! My mom's boss will never know anything bad happen!
:'''Robbie''': ''(picks up the skull)'' Whoa! Is this a real human skull?
:'''Jade''': Yeah. Give it, so I can put it back.
:'''Robbie''': No. I'm looking at it.
:'''Jade''': ''(gets the skull)'' Robbie, give it to me. ''(Jade and Robbie start to fight about the skull)''
:'''Robbie''': Shut it.
:'''Jade''': Stop! 
:'''Robbie''': Just----
:'''Jade''': Robbie! We don't have time! 
:'''Robbie''': Just---
:'''Jade''': Fine! ''(Jade drops the skull)''
:'''Robbie''': I say--- ''(the skull falls at the glass table, breaking it. Cat gasps. At the same time, the guitar swings and destroys a lamp. Cat yelps and starts to cry)''
:'''Jade''': Don't cry.
:'''Cat''': But--- ''(buzz)''
:'''Robbie''': I heard a buzz.
:'''Jade''': Zip up your pants! ''(Robbie does so)''
:'''Cat''': ''(clicks the buzzer)'' Hello?
:'''Mr. Gibbons''': Cat. It's Carl Gibbons. I forgot my key, would you buzz me in?
:'''Cat''': It's my mom's boss.
:'''Mr. Gibbons''': Could you buzz me in?
:'''Cat''': Um. Sure I could. Or maybe you could go to eurupe for two weeks.
:'''Mr. Gibbons''': Cat, buzz me in.
:'''Cat''': ''(Cat does so)'' Kay-kay. ''(Cat sobs)''
:'''Jade''': Cat.
:'''Robbie''': It will be okay. 
:'''Beck''': When he gets up here, we'll just explain that–
:''(an earthquake hits the mansion)''
:'''Robbie''': What's happening?
:'''Jade''': &lt;big&gt;'''EARTHQUAKE!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Cat''': &lt;big&gt;'''Earthquake!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Beck''': ''[grabs Cat]'' &lt;big&gt;'''OKAY, EVERYBODY DOWN!!! COVER YOUR HEADS!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:'''Robbie''': &lt;big&gt;'''AAAHHH!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt; 
:''(Beck covers Cat and himself, Robbie hides under a small table and Jade protects herself with a pillow while the dog barks loudly. The earthquake partially destroys the mansion. The scene cuts to Nozu where the earthquake also hits. Tori hides under the round table along with the other guests.)''
:'''Mrs. Lee''': Everybody get down! I don't have insurance!
:'''Hope''': Protect my birthday presents! Somebody protect my– ''(a giant sign falls on her head, knocking her out. The earthquake stops and everybody stares at a moaning Hope. Andre then smiles.)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

''(after the earthquake stops)''
:'''Cat''': ''(to Mr. Gibbons)'' I'm so sorry about you guitar, and your lamp, and your table... 
:'''Mr. Gibbons''': ''(not even a tad bit angry)'' That's alright. It's not your fault.
:'''Cat''': But... 
:'''Jade''': ''(puts her hands on Cat's shoulders, looking at her in the eye)'' Cat, Mr. Gibbons isn't mad at us, because he knows the EARTHQUAKE caused this damage.
:'''Beck''': Yeah. We can only blame the earth.
:'''Robbie''': And its quaking!

==''Car, Rain &amp; Fire''==

:'''Tori''': And why are you all sad?
:'''Cat''': How do you know I'm sad?
:'''Tori''': Well, you're dressed in sad colors, and you were playing a sad song... oh, and you're wearing a button that says, &quot;I'm sad, ask me why.&quot; ''(touches it)''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': I put this stupid chicken in the oven three hours ago, and it's still not cooked!
:'''David''': Ok, um...couple of things. You didn't turn the oven on. This is a turkey. And, um, yeah, it's still frozen.
:'''Trina''': Well, what am I supposed to feed Beck?
:'''David''': Does he like turkeycicles?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': ''(after Trina kisses him)'' You bit my lip!
:'''Trina''': I tried to bite both.  

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': I always knew you were anti-Canadian!
:'''Andre''': Well, what are you gonna do ''aboot'' it, ''eh?'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': So you'll drive?
:'''Tori''': No.
:'''Cat''': Why not?
:'''Tori''': I didn't pass my driver's test.
:'''Cat''': Why not?
:'''Tori''': Because I didn't see the old lady in the wheelchair. ''[Cat gasps]'' I signaled before I hit her!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[in the car]''
:'''Jade''': ''[driving]'' So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?
:'''Cat''': No. He just loves rope.
:'''Jade''': ''[looks at Tori and Cat's science project]'' What is that thing anyway?
:'''Tori''': Oh, this is Cat's and my science project. 
:'''Cat''': It's a robot with hamster power.
:'''Tori''': See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... ''[in a robot voice]'' ...The robot.
:'''Cat''': Isn't it cool?
:'''Jade''': I don't know. All I heard was &quot;hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me&quot;.
:'''Tori''': ''(holding a muffin)'' You want a muffin?
:'''Jade''': Sure. ''(takes the muffin and eats it)''
:'''Cat''': You brought muffins?
:'''Tori''': Oh, no. I found it under the seat. ''[in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it at the road]'' Not so boring now, am I?
:'''Jade''': All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over–
:'''Cat''': Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next 2 hours!
:'''Tori''': She's the one… FOR 2 HOURS!?!
:'''Jade''': I thought we're just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.
:'''Cat''': We are! Her house is in San Diego!
:'''Jade''': ''[suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound]'' SAN DIEGO?
:'''Tori''': Cat, we gotta finish our science project before morning!
:'''Cat''': But–
:'''Jade''': No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego and back!
:''[Cat starts to cry]''
:'''Tori''': JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!
:'''Jade''': All right! ''[drives and Cat stops crying]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': OH MY GOD! ''(she and Tori step back shocked)''
:'''Tori''': What... is this?! ''(pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)''
:'''Cat''': Don't worry, they're not real feet.
:'''Jade''': But why does your brother have a bag of ''fake'' feet in the trunk of his car?!
:'''Cat''': I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Why did you think that she was dead?!
:'''Cat''': I read it online! It said &quot;Mona Patterson joins the dead!&quot;
:'''Mona Patterson''': That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I play {{w|David Schwimmer}}'s wife.
:'''Cat''': Well...nice to meet you, i'm Cat.
:'''Mona''': Good. I have something nice... for cats. ''[goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun]''
:'''Tori''': Whoa! Now just wait a second. ''[Mona is in aiming position]'' This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe– ''[they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays]'' AHHHHH!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALREADY WET?!
:'''Patterson''': Get off my property! ''[Tori screams and then runs off]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Beck''': Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?
:'''Trina''': Well...
:'''Andre''': Punk-nut?!
:'''Beck''': Trina... made chicken for me!
:'''Andre''': Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!
:'''Trina''': I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?
:'''Beck''': No. You pick him or you pick me!
:'''Andre''': Or maybe i'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!
:'''Beck''': ''(grabs him by the shirt)'' Oh, I would love to see you try!
:'''Trina''': Boys, I-
:'''Robbie''': Trina? ''(he is seen at the door with flowers)'' Trina, I brought you these... ''(sniffs)'' Did someone microwave a turkey?
:'''Beck''' : Who are those flowers for? 
:'''Andre''': They better be for Beck.
:'''Robbie''': They're for Trina.
:'''Trina''': Whaaaaaaaaat?
:'''Robbie''': Well, I heard the boys in the locker room said that Beck asked you out so I thought I asked you too. ''(Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who runs while Beck and Andre chase him)''
:'''Beck''': Trina want me, not you, idiot! ''(the three boys start to fight)''
:'''Trina''': Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! ''(Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)''
:'''Beck''': Andre, no!
:'''Trina''': ''[tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight]'' Beck!
:'''Beck''': Don't go! ''[Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle]'' It's disgusting!
:'''Trina''': DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! ''[gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage]'' And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– ''[notices the boys are gone]'' Tea... kettle...
:'''David''': ''[notices the boys at the couch with puppets]'' What's going on?
:'''Andre''': We're doing a puppet show!
:'''Beck''': ''[in a British accent]'' I am the king.
:'''Robbie''': ''[in a high voice]'' I am the queen!
:'''Andre''': And I'm the little pussy cat! Meow!
:'''Trina''': But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!
:'''David''': Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. ''(leaves)''
:'''Beck''': ''[in a British accent]'' Trina, did you learn your lesson?
:'''Robbie''': ''[in a high voice]'' About telling lies?
:'''Andre''': Meow! ''[he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)''
:'''Tori''': Come on, hamster!
:'''Cat''': Run, Fat Santa!
:'''Tori''': Yeah, baby! Whoo! ''(David comes to them)''
:'''David''': Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?
:'''Tori''': Mona Patterson.
:'''Cat''': Why?
:'''David''': She's on the news. Channel Six. ''(David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)''
:'''News Reporter''': But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.
:'''Cat''': My candle.
:'''Tori''': No, we don't know for sure. ''[the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house]'' Lots of things could start a fire.
:'''News Reporter''': The cause of the fire? ''[shows Cat's candle]'' This cinnamon bun-scented candle. ''[both girls gasp in shock]'' Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a &quot;cat&quot;, apparently, with red fur. ''[Cat holds her head and gasps in horror]'' Of course, we'll have much more of this story– ''[Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]''
:'''Cat''': ''[nervously]'' Tori?
:'''Tori''': Shhhhh...
:''[the episode ends]''

==''Tori &amp; Jade's Play Date''==
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(entering the classroom)'' GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! ''(laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill)'' Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.
:'''Rex''': They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(laughs)'' NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about ''giving'' bad news.
:'''Jade''': Why?
:'''Sikowitz''' ''(imitating Jade, sarcastically)'' Why? To teach you that acting often involves choice in how to say things. For example, how do you give someone bad news and make it seem not so bad?
:'''Cat''': By telling them in a language they don't understand.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel.  So this time, you people will choose your own roles.  ''(brings box of paper slips to Andre)'' Andre, pick a role.
:'''Andre:''': ''(reading off card)'' &quot;Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter.&quot;
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck)'' Beck, pick a role.
:'''Beck''': ''(reading off card)'' &quot;Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy.&quot; I guess we're twins.
:'''Andre''': Then Mama's got some explaining to do.
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade)'' Jade, pick a role.
:'''Jade''': ''(reading off card)'' &quot;Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain.&quot;
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori)'' Tori.
:'''Tori''': ''(reading off card)'' &quot;Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy....&quot;
:'''Jade''': I'm supposed to play her wife?
:'''Tori''': I'll just pick another card!
:'''Sikowitz''': No! My box has spoken! 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's Slap Status''': Rehearsing a play. I have a MUSTACHE...and I think I like it. :{) FEELING: Hairy
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)''
:'''Andre''': What's wrong, mom?
:'''Beck''': You seem awfully upset.
:'''Jade''': Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!
:'''Beck''': What's narcolepsy?
:'''Jade''': It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(to Sinjin)'' Car door sound effect! ''(Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)''
:'''Jade''': ''(stands up, along with Beck and Andre)'' Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. ''(notices Beck holding her apron)'' Don't touch Mommy. ''(pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)''
:'''Tori''': ''(in a man voice)'' Nancy, boys, I'm home. 
:'''Jade''': Hi, honey.
:'''Andre''': Hey, dad.
:'''Beck''': Hi there, dad.
:'''Tori''': ''(to Andre)'' Hello, Car--- ''(since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)'' 
:'''Jade''': Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. ''(comes to Tori)'' Honey. Honey. ''(Tori suddenly gets up)''
:'''Tori''': I'M UP! I'M UP! ''(to Beck)'' So, Tommy. How was school today?
:'''Beck''': ''(his and Andre's characters are twins)'' I'm Carter.
:'''Andre''': I'm Tommy.
:'''Tori''': Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart. 
:'''Jade''': It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. ''(both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)''
:'''Tori''': Nancy, you're so--- ''(for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)''
:'''Jade''': Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!
:'''Tori''': ''(wakes up)'' BLAST OFF!
:'''Jade''': No. No, you were saying I'm so?
:'''Tori''': Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?
:'''Jade''': You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.
:'''Tori''': I love you.
:'''Jade''': ''(strained)'' I love you. 
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(the rehearsal ends)'' Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!
:'''Burf''': I don't have a candle.
:'''Sikowitz''': Then get a better haircut!
:'''Sinjin''': Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': You girls meet me for dinner at Nozu. Tonight. 7 PM.
:'''Tori''': But, I don't want to-
:'''Sikowitz''': Nozu!
:'''Jade''': But, why you-
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(garbles fast and incoherently, in imitation of an angry Japanese man)''
:'''Jade''': At least let us-
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(very fast)'' SEE THE BOTH OF YOU AT NOZU AT 7 PM! ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.
:'''Jade''': Yeah, we would.
:'''Tori''': We really, really would.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori is slurping her soup loudly)''
:'''Jade''': '''''NO!!!''' (Tori takes another sip, looking at Jade)'' Worst night ever. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.
:'''Jade''': That's stupid.
:'''Tori''': See?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(when Tori and Jade discover that the boys from Nozu are in the audience during the play)''
:'''Jade''': What are we gonna do?
:'''Tori''': Run, Nancy!
:'''Jade''': Yes, Walter! ''(both Tori and Jade run off as the episode ends)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Excuse me.
:'''Chef''': Hai.
:'''Tori''': Yeah. My date and I were wondering if you have a flight of stairs we could throw ourselves down.

==''April Fools' Blank''==

:'''Sikowitz''': So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for &quot;the groundlings&quot; who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...
:'''Tori''': ''(comes into Sikowitz's class)'' YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! ''(holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out)'' [[w:April Fools' Day|April Fools!]] ''(laughs and stands up)'' Yeah!
:'''Jade''': What are you, five years old?
:'''André''': ''(shrugs)'' Really.
:'''Tori''': But... today's April Fools' Day!
:'''Robbie''': We really don't care.
:'''Beck''': April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...
:'''André''': That's how we all feel. ''(he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)''
:'''Tori''': But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.
:'''Cat''': ''(stands up and yells)'' WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
:'''Mr. Belding''': Thank you, Zack. ''(Cat sits back down angrily)'' Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.
:'''Beck''': ''(laughs)'' Yes! Yes! YES.
:'''Tori''': Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? ''(Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse)'' WHOA! Okay. Uh... ''(Mr. Belding runs out of the room)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Wait. Did you just say you wanted a face full of trumpet?
:'''Tori''': What do you mean, &quot;face full of...&quot;? --AAAAH!! ''(Cat blows a trumpet in her face, and she falls to the floor. [[w:Drake Bell|Drake Bell]] quickly comes in and gets her back on her chair. He then notices the audience and immediately flees the room)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Wait, was that the (guy, Drake) Bell? ''(the bell rings)'' Oh, there's the bell. ''(holds his hands out and explodes. Tori gasps, as parts of his clothes and coconut fall to the floor)''
:'''Cat''': Hey, girlie!
:'''Tori''': What? ''(Cat blows the trumpet in her face again and she falls to the floor. Cat then laughs)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''André''': Tori! Tori! Did you hear, did you hear the news?!
:'''Tori''': What? What happened?
:'''André''': It's war. It's war, Tori, it's war!
:'''Tori''': ''(points at him shocked)'' Is it Switzerland?
:'''André''': ''(grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her)'' Will you forget about the war?! We're gonna have a pop quiz!
:'''Tori''': But... you just said that--
:'''André''': It's true, I tell you! I just heard it from two boys in the bathroom! At the urinal. We're gonna have a pop quiz! A pop quiz is going down, Tori!
:'''Tori''': Oh... my god, I hate pop quizzes!
:'''André''': ''(grabs her and shakes her in the air)'' '''HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT A POP QUIZ WHEN WE'RE AT WAR?!''' It's war, Tori! It's war! ''(puts her down)'' I gotta go recycle some aluminum. ''(starts running) Ah. Oh, say can you see...? (his leg gets hit)'' --AAHHHH! ''(Tori gasps)'' AH, I'M HIT! ARROW! ''(falls down the stairs)'' AHHH! AHHH! Ow! I got hit in the leg by a swiss arrow. DANG THIS CURSED WAR! ''(2 Congress-like men come in and drag him away)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Oh, Tofu... are you all right? Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? It's awful hot in here. I'd better open a window! ''(places Tofu's fishbowl on the trash bin, opens window, and a fan blows)'' Oh, Tofu! Oh, noooo! ''(walks around dazzled then slams into stall door)'' 'Concussion!' ''(falls to the floor. Eventually, she wakes up, and the place is in color.)'' Oh my goodness. Tofu, well I have a feeling we're not in the Hollywood Arts bathroom anymore. ''(looks around)'' Oh no, wait, we are. It's just in color! ''(places Tofu's fishbowl on a sink)''
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': ''(flushes, then comes out of a stall)'' Well, hello!
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Well, hello if you please! ''(takes her dress and holds it by the ends)''
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': ''(shuts the door to the stall)'' Are you a good witch... or a sandwich?
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Who, me? Well, I'm neither a witch nor a snack. You're talking some crazy chiz!
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': Well... you ''do'' have the ruby cellphone.
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': ''(takes it out of her pocket and gasps)'' Oh, my goodness. Well, this phone is beautiful! Were all my contacts transferred? ''(suddenly a storming sound is heard in a stall. Red smoke comes from it, then Jade, dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West comes out and spins)''
:'''Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West)''': WHO TOOK MY RUBY CELLPHONE...?! ''(to Cat)'' ...WAS IT YOU?!
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Well I didn't mean to. Here, you can have it back.
:'''Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West)''': Good... give it. ''(tries to take it out of Cat's hands but gets zapped)'' CURSES! I'll never be able to get that ruby cellphone as long as it's April Fools' Day!
:'''Tori''': ''(in her normal voice)'' You know, speaking of that, are we really not gonna do anything for April Fools' Day...?
:'''Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West)''': '''''SILENCE!!!''''' I'll get you, my pretty and your little fish, too! ''(Cat runs over to Tori for protection)''
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': Oh, be gone! You have no powers in this restroom.
:'''Jade (as the Wicked Witch of the West)''': &quot;'''The witch'' sneers ''at Dorothy! ...Then exits.'''&quot; ''[leaves the bathroom as she laughs evilly]''
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Oh my. She spoke her stage directions. Well, what am I supposed to do now?
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': Well... you are in a restroom. You could... wazz.
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Tofu, too?
:'''Tori (as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North)''': Tofu, too! ''(she holds her wand out as she backs into the door, opens it and happily leaves. A pink bubble surrounds her)''
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Oh, Tofu. I'm scared. And frightened... and afraid. Oh my goodness, those are all synonyms.
:'''Robbie (as the Scarecrow)''': ''(comes out of the stall)'' Don't be scared, Cat.
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Robbie! Who are you?
:'''Robbie (as the Scarecrow)''': Robbie.
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Oh, hi, Robbie!
:'''Beck (as the Tin Man)''': ''(comes out of the second stall)'' We're here to help you.
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Oh, my!
:'''André (as the Cowardly Lion)''': ''(comes out of the third stall and puts his fists up in the air)'' Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Put what up?
:'''André (as the Cowardly Lion)''': Your socks, they fell down. Put 'em up!
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Yes, sir. ''(puts her socks up)''
:'''Beck (as the Tin Man)''': How can we help you, Cat?
:'''Cat (as Dorothy)''': Well, I just want to get back to class.
:'''Beck (as the Tin Man)''': Well, that's easy.
:'''André (as the Cowardly Lion)''': First, you just punch Robbie right in the face.
:'''Robbie (as the Scarecrow)''': Wait, was that in the movie? Because I don't remember getting punched in the-- ''(Cat does so, and Robbie is knocked into Beck's arms)''
:'''Director''': ''(comes into the girls' bathroom)'' Hey, Leon, Leon.
:'''André''': ''(in his normal voice)'' Hey, what's up?
:'''Director''': You're late for the next scene.
:'''André''': I'm late?
:'''Director''': Yes. Victoria's already started acting.
:'''André''': Oh, man! Later, y'all. ''(leaves)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Tori! Tori! I'm running in with big news! Tori!
:'''Feeding boy''': It's him!
:''(he and the feeding girl start screaming and run away in terror. Robbie comes up to the table)''
:'''Tori''': What's the big news?
:'''Robbie''': The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt!
:'''André''': What?
:'''Robbie''': In three and a half minutes, this whole school is gonna be covered in hot lava!
:'''Tori''': We only have three and a half minutes?
:'''André''': ''(pounds his fist on the table)'' The same amount of time as a commercial break.
:'''Tori''': What do we do?
:'''Robbie''': ''(grabs Tori's arm)'' I say we kiss.
:'''André''': Okay, c'mere.
:'''Robbie''': Not you! ''(to Tori)'' You. Kiss me, Tori. I want my last three and a half minutes to be spent with my face... smushed against your face.
:'''Tori''': Are there any other ideas?
:'''Robbie''': Tori, please!
:'''Tori''': Okay. ''(the two lean in to kiss, and the screen freezes)''
:'''Rex''': Stay tuned for the second half of Victorious... or don't. I get paid either way.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(after commercial)''
:'''Rex''': ...And now, we continue with the exciting second half of Victorious. Press Play. ''(Tori's about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)''
:'''Beck''': Tori, Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?
:'''Robbie''': Later! 
:'''Tori''': What news?
:'''Robbie''': I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now, kiss me.
:'''Beck''': No, no, the NEW news!
:'''André''': What NEW news?
:'''Beck''': The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So, it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! ''(everyone cheers)''
:'''Robbie''': Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! ''(everyone moans)''
:'''Beck''': Wait! Sinjin has 2 big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! ''(everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)''
:'''Sinjin''': But I drank them! ''(everyone moans again)''
:'''André''': ''(holding up an apple)'' Wait, I'm not gonna eat this apple! So, you guys can all share it! ''(everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)''
:'''Tori''': WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! ''(everyone moans again)''
:'''Sikowitz''': What's done is done. ''(eats an apple out of a bowl of them)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori goes into the janitor's closet and comes out in the elevator of Carly and Spencer's apartment aka... [[iCarly]])''
:'''Tori''': Hey, Spencer.
:'''Spencer''': Sup, Tori...?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.
:'''Cat, Beck, André, Robbie, Jade and Trina''': HOW DUMB WAS SHE?
:'''Sikowitz''': She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... ''blank''.
:''(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
:'''Tori''': ...Day.
:'''Sikowitz''': Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. ''(clears throat)'' André!
:'''André''': Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... ''(takes his card and turns it over)'' Lobster. ''(a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)''
:'''Tori''': That's the lobster! AAH! ''(the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)''
:'''Sikowitz''': All right now, get up! ''(she does)'' Jade, what's your answer?
:'''Jade''': Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... ''(turns her card over)'' Berry! ''(buzzer rings again)'' That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!
:'''Robbie''': Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! ''(everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)''
:'''Tori''': No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! ''(the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Alright, upsie daisy! ''(Tori gets back up)'' Robbie.
:'''Robbie''': Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?
:'''Sikowitz''': Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
:'''Robbie''': ''(turns his card over)'' Foot. ''(buzzer, the crowd boos)'' Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!
:'''Sikowitz''': Cat, your turn.
:'''Cat''': Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!
:'''Sikowitz''': OH, yes!
:'''Tori''': Cat, why would you remind him?! ''(the lobster charges at Tori)'' Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- ''(the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Will you GET UP?! ''(she does)'' Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.
:'''Cat''': I said... ''(turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)''
:'''Sikowitz''': Uh, Cat, ''I'' said blank.
:'''Cat''': ''(laughs)'' I love President Ford!
:'''Sikowitz''': We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. ''(Tori pats him on the back)'' Uh, Beck!
:'''Beck''': ''(in garbled accent)'' Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... ''(turns his card over)'' Onion rings. ''(buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)''
:'''Tori''': No. I know. ''(faints. The lobster then leaves)''
:'''Sikowitz''': ''(laughs)'' Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.
:'''Tori''': Come on, Trina!
:'''Trina''': Well, I said... ''(reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)''
:'''Tori''': Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!
:'''Trina''': ''[[Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory|But I want an Oompa Loompa now!]]''
:'''Tori''': ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--]]''
:'''Everyone''': HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
:'''Tori''': It's not my birthday.
:'''Everyone''': TOUCHDOWN!
:'''Tori''': There's no football game.
:'''Everyone''': [[w:Where's the beef?|WHERE'S THE BEEF!?]]
:'''Tori''': Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!

==''Driving Tori Crazy''==

:'''Tori''': ''(while she is riding in Robbie's multi-seat bike)'' You said you had a car!
:'''Robbie''': This is a car. The car...of the future!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': Tori! You missed first and second periods!
:'''Tori''': I know.
:'''Cat''': And you look all messy!
:'''Tori''': I know.
:'''Cat''': And that shirt is ''not'' a good color on you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': So Robbie drove you to school this morning?
:'''Tori''': Yes, but never again! I've gotta find someone else to drive me.
:'''Cat''': Well, I bet my brother would drive you. If you don't mind screaming.
:'''Tori''': Wait, you guys scream at each other?
:'''Cat''': No, sometimes he just screams. Like at trees. ''(pause)'' And busses.
:'''Tori''': Thanks, but I'll find someone else.
:'''Cat''': Why don't you just get a license like a normal teenage girl? ''(Tori give her the death glare)'' Bag o' rags?
:'''Tori''': See ya, Cat.
:'''Cat''': Have a ragarific day!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori's Slap Status''': Jade is driving me to school. Um...awesome? FEELING: Endangered
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Charlotte''': Girl?!?! Will you hold my oatmeal for me?
:'''Tori''': Sure.
:'''Charlotte''': Put your hands out. ''(pours oatmeal into Tori's hands)''
:'''Tori''': Why did you do that?!
:'''Charlotte''': You said you'd hold my oatmeal!
:'''Tori''': Why didn't you just hand me the mug?
:'''Charlotte''': I'm not letting you touch my mug!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(to Dr. Rhapsody)'' So, why are you driving a party bus now?

==''How Trina Got In''==
:'''Robbie''': Oh, dear.
:'''Tori''': Robbie, I told you, nobody our age says &quot;Oh, dear&quot;.
:'''Robbie''': Oh, my.
:'''Tori''': Or that.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Kwakoo''': (''singing while chopping squid'') Chop, chop, chop the squid! Chop, chop, chop the squid! Chop, chop, chop the squid! Disappoint my father!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': Oh tell us, oh great Beck who knows everything except how to keep a girlfriend happy.
:'''Beck''': You hate being happy.
:'''Jade''': Just tell the story!
:'''Beck''': Alright.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Lee''': You pay extra for the sushi and you pay the extra money.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': Trina is IN! Trina is IN! Trina is IN! Trina is IN!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I guess she auditioned and got in.
:'''Cat''': But she's untalented.
:'''Tori''': That's mean... And true, how did she get in?

==''Tori Goes Platinum''==
:'''Beck''': Here. I got a hoagie in my backpack.
:'''Tori''': A hoagie? ''(streches her arms)'' Oh, I need hoagie so bad! ''(Takes the hoagie and eats it)''
:'''Beck''': Wow. You're chewing like it's your job.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': I ate feet meat?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori sits down in class wearing an outrageous outfit)''
:'''Jade''': Oh, I'm sorry, were we all supposed to dress stupid today?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Tori is dressed in one of her outrageous outfits)''
:'''Cat''': Whoa, Tori. ''(unconvincingly)'' Cool outfit.
:'''Tori''': Thanks! Whatcha got there?
:'''Cat''': It's my sack of Bibble! It's really heavy, so I put it in a wagon.
:'''Tori''': And you needed to bring all of it to school?
:'''Cat''': I can't help it! ''(pause)'' It's so good.
:'''Tori''': I can't believe Mason bought you this much!
:'''Cat''': That's not even the sack he bought me. 
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Cat''': I finished that one. I went back and bought two more sacks! ''(pause)'' I think I may have a Bibble problem.
:'''Tori''': Well, it is pretty good stuff - 
:'''Cat''': ''Don't touch it!!!'' ''(she drags away the wagon)'' My bibble.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Andre''': Cat, that is a lot of Bibble.
:'''Cat''': Please don't look at it, it's all for me!
:'''Jade''': Cat, don't be stingy, just give him a little nibble of Bibble.
:'''Cat''': ''NO!!!'' ''(jumps on Bibble bag)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Sikowitz, Cat has Bibble!
:'''Sikowitz''': Cat!
:'''Cat''': No, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend! ''(Sikowitz takes the Bibble away)'' But I need it...I mean, my friend needs it!
:'''Andre''': Cat, here.
:'''Cat''': What's this?
:'''Andre''': It's a special gum. If you crave Bibble, just chew some of that, it'll make you feel better.  You just unwrap it and chew it–
:'''Cat''': I know how gum works!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''(Jade is in costume backstage when Tori enters)''
:'''Jade''': This isn't right.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, it is a little tight -
:'''Jade''': No, not the stupid outfit. This. Me.
:'''Tori''': I don't -
:'''Jade''': This is supposed to be your night. This was your big chance, so for me to go out there...
:'''Tori''': And?
:'''Jade''': I can't do that to a friend. Or even to you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''(shoving gum in her mouth)'' Yeah, Tori has a big problem.
:'''Andre''': Cat, maybe you want to back off on that Bibble gum - 
:'''Cat''': Don't tell me what to do!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Can I just have one handful of Bibble?
:'''Oliver''': The answer is no!
:'''Cat''': But I just -
:'''Jade''': Cat! 
:'''Cat''': Oh, hey.
:'''Jade''': Take this. Now Mason wants me to try the blue skirt.
:'''Cat''': Why doesn't he like this one?
:'''Oliver''': I think this skirt is pretty.
:'''Jade''': Just go get the blue one!
:'''Cat''': ''(sighs)'' C'mon, Oliver.
:'''Oliver''': First we had to get the red skirt, now we gotta go get the blue skirt.
:'''Cat''': Life is hard.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Does anyone have any Bibble?
:'''Oliver''': No. You gotta stop chasing that snack.
:'''Cat''': But it HURTS!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''(at the Platinum Music Awards, in Mason Thornesmith's office)''
:'''Andre''': ''(enters the room as he closes the door behind him)'' Hey, I'm here. Sorry.
:'''Tori''': Where were you?
:'''Andre''': While I was in the mens' room, I opened one of the stalls, and sitting right there, [[w:Bruno Mars|Bruno Mars]]. ''(Cat gasps)''
:'''Tori''': ''(looking shocked)'' What?!
:'''Andre''': So I'm like, &quot;Oh my God, Bruno Mars! You're one of my idols.&quot; He says, &quot;Thanks. But I'm on the toilet. Can you shut the door?&quot; So I say, &quot;Sure&quot;, and I shut the door. And Bruno Mars says, &quot;I mean, can you leave the stall and ''then'' shut the door?&quot; And then I'm all like, &quot;Bro, I know you famous, but can't you just -&quot;
:'''Jade''': ''(putting her hand on his shoulder)'' Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Maybe stop talking.

==''Crazy Ponnie''==

:'''Cat''': You guys! You guys, have either of you seen Jade?
:'''Beck''': Uh uh.
:'''André''': No, why, what's up with Jade?
:'''Cat''': She's trying to kill me!
:'''Beck''': Any reason?
:'''Cat''': We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.
:'''André''': Do what to 'em?
:'''Cat''': Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.
:'''Beck''': So, why is Jade trying to kill you?
:'''Cat''': Well...
:'''Jade''': ''[screams]'' WHERE IS SHE?!?!?! ''[Cat screams and Jade runs after her]'' ''[Sinjin plays the saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase]'' STOP HER! SOMEBODY STOP CAT RIGHT NOW!!! 
:'''Cat''': HIDE ME! 
:'''Jade''': COME HERE!
:'''Cat''': PLEASE HIDE ME!
:'''Jade''': NO! COME HERE! Stop. COME HERE!
:'''Cat''': OH, HIDE MEEEEEE!!! 
:'''Jade''': DON'T TOUCH HIM!!!
:''[Lane, who enters the hall, stops Jade and Cat runs to Beck and André]''
:'''Cat''': HIDE ME!
:'''Jade''': COME HERE!
:'''Lane''': What do you... STOP! LIKE, JADE, STOP! RELAX!!!
:'''André''': What was that about?
:'''Beck''': Why are you so mad at Cat?
:'''Jade''': ''[reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off]'' Don't... say... a word!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Robbie''': Um... I think you look nice with no eyebrows.
:''[Jade glares at him]''
:'''Cat''': Jade, I just wanna say... I really appreciate you having lunch with us, and thank you, André and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.
:'''André''': Sure.
:'''Beck''': No problem.
:''[Jade attacks Cat, but she's still handcuffed to the table]''
:'''Robbie''': I still don't get how this happened.
:'''Cat''': Well, Jade asked me to make her eyebrows look nice. So I tried to wax them, but when I took the wax strips off, there was... Um... a problem.
:'''Jade''': My eyebrows are gone!
:'''Cat''': No, they're not! I told you, they're right here!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jade''': AAH!!
:'''Beck''': Whoa! Whoa!
:'''Jade''': AAH! COME HERE! NO!
:'''Beck''': Jade, whoa whoa! Watch it.
:'''Cat''': Someone...
:'''André''': Don't do that! What are you... stop it!
:'''André''': Hey! Cut it out! Hey!
:'''Sikowitz''': YOU GIRLS KNOCK IT OFF!!!
:'''Jade''': I'll get you!
:'''Cat''': I don't wanna be gotten!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori's newest status on TheSlap.com''': I'm not crazy! There IS a PONNIE!!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Sikowitz''': No, she didn't get expelled from Hollywood Arts to make room here for you.
:'''Tori''': Then why did she get kicked out?
:'''Sikowitz''': She's crazy. A loony-bat. She stole things... Carried weird stuff in her backpack... Called everyone Debbie. A real nut case!
:'''Fawn''': Lick my loafers, Debbie!!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': ''[after Jade shaved all of her hair]'' I fell asleep during study hall. Jade found me.
:'''Sikowitz''': Aw, don't be sad, little one.  I think your head looks great like that.
:'''Cat''': Of course ''you'' do.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Ah-ha!
:'''Fawn''': What?
:'''Beck''': Excuse me, what's your name?
:'''Fawn''': Linda.
:'''Beck''': That is Linda.
:'''Tori''': Yeah, sure. Linda the liar, that is Ponnie!
:'''André''': You said Ponnie had brown hair.
:'''Tori''': She's in disguise... ''[whispers loudly]'' ...That's Ponnie in disguise!
:'''Fawn''': I just need $23.
:'''Tori''': Uh, okay you guys go do whatever! I'm gonna have a chat with &quot;Linda&quot;.

==''The Blonde Squad''==

:'''Tori''': Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a blonde?
:'''Jade''': No.
:'''Cat''': I've wondered that. I've also wondered why lemonade is a drink and first aid is for the injured. Like, what if a thirsty person gets injured? Do you give them first aid first, and then lemonade? Or lemonade first, then second aid? ''(pause)'' Lemonade. ''(giggles)''
:'''Tori''': ''(stares at Cat in disbelief)'' So, sushi?
:'''Jade''': Let's go. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Trina''': Hey, Tori, here.
:'''Tori''': Is that a pair of my underwear?
:'''Trina''': Yeah, my allergies have been so bad today.
:'''Tori''': What?
:'''Trina''': Tissues make my nose red and sore.  These are ''so'' soft. ''(blows her nose in them)''
:'''Tori''': You've been blowing your nose in my underwear?
:'''Trina''': Yeah, they're like a giant soft hankie.
:'''Tori''': Giant?!?
:''(Robbie approaches)''
:'''Robbie''': Well, if it isn't the Vega girls!
:'''Trina''': Gross.
:'''Tori''': You're in a good mood.
:'''Robbie''': Yup. Cause I've finished the song I've been writing.
:'''Tori''': Oh, is it another song about worms?
:'''Robbie''': Not this time!
:'''Trina''': I hate this guy.
:'''Robbie''': This song's about a girl.
:'''Trina''': Look, Robbie, I already told you I'm not interested in you.
:'''Robbie''': I didn't mean you. I-
:'''Trina''': Okay, you know how some girls say &quot;I only like you as a friend&quot;?
:'''Robbie''': Yeah.
:'''Trina''': I don't even like you that way.
:'''Cat''': ''(runs around giving out hugs)'' Free hugs! I want to give free hugs!
:'''Robbie''': Someone's a Happy Cat.
:'''Cat''': Yeah, me!
:'''Tori''': Wait, is this because of that guy you met last night?
:'''Cat''': Uh, huh.
:'''Robbie''': Oh, you met a fella?
:'''Cat''': Yeah, his name's Evan. Oh, and I invited him here tonight to watch Beck's movie!
:'''Tori''': Oh, yeah, the screenings tonight. I hear the movie turned out pretty good.
:'''Robbie''': I was the wig master.
:''(Tori and Cat look at Robbie, then walk away)''
:'''Tori''': So, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?
:'''Cat''': What?
:'''Tori''': I say, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?
:'''Cat''': That did not come up.
:'''Robbie''': You never told him you were wearing one of my wigs?
:'''Cat''': I guess not.
:'''Tori''': Or blue contacts?
:'''Cat''': Also did not come up.
:'''Tori''': So, you spent like five hours with this guy, and he still doesn't know what you really look like?
:'''Cat''': No. Oh, my god! What if he hates redheaded girls with brown eyes?
:'''Tori''': Don't worry, he won't.
:'''Robbie''': Are you crying?
:'''Cat''': Yeah, I can't help it! ''(grabs Tori's underwear)'' I cry when I'm scared! ''(blows her nose in them)'' What is this?
:'''Tori''': Underwear.
:'''Cat''': They're so big!
:'''Tori''': You know what? ''(grabs underwear and stalks off)''
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': This is so cool! We're blondes! Wooo! We're like princesses!
:'''Jade''': Can you be the princess that gets poisoned?
:'''Cat''': Why are you so excited to be blonde?
:'''Tori''': Cause guys love blonde girls, especially with blue eyes. You watch, tonight we're gonna get extra special treatment!
:'''Cat''': My brother gets special treatment. From special doctors. ''(pause)'' It's court ordered.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Tori''': Oh, Cat. I feel like I've done something terrible to you.
:'''Cat''': Yeah.
:'''Tori''': You hate me now?
:'''Cat''': ''(sighs)'' No. I just want something bad to happen to you. Not like really bad, just something to ruin your weekend.
:'''Tori''': I'll try.
:'''Cat''': I'd appreciate it. ''(pause)'' Can I just be alone now?
:'''Tori''': Okay. ''(puts her arms out)'' Hug?
:'''Cat''': No.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Robbie''': That does it! Catarina Valentine, I will not sit here anymore and listen to you talk bad about yourself!  You're adorable. Any guy would be lucky as cheese to go out with you.
:'''Cat''': Thanks, Robbie, that was really sweet, but you don't know how guys think.
:'''Robbie''': ''(flabbergasted)'' Uh...how could...good day! ''(storms off)''
:'''Tori''': Cheese is lucky?
:'''Robbie''': ''(from offscreen) Yes!''
:'''Tori''': Jade, tell Cat that when this boy sees her pretty red hair tonight, he's gonna like her even more.
:'''Jade''': Uh, can't do that.
:'''Tori''': Why not?
:'''Jade''': Cause I'm looking at Evan's Splash Face page, scrolling through pics of his ex-girlfriends: blonde, blonde, blonde - ''whoa'', ugly blonde - uh, blonde, oh, and his blue eyed dog with blonde fur. I'm thinking Evan goes for blondes.
:'''Tori''': Oh, that doesn't mean anything. What are his likes and dislikes?
:'''Jade''': Uh, likes sushi, video games, girls with blonde hair and blue eyes.
:'''Tori''': Dislikes?
:'''Jade''': People who pretend to be something they're not. 
:'''Cat''': Oh, no! Can I have your underwear again? ''(Tori hands Cat her underpants, and she cries into them)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Tori''': You see what blonde girls get? Free stuff! Cha-ching. Yeah yeah.
:'''Jade''': It's a magical night. 
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': Hey, what if I just dyed my hair blonde?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Cat''': You need to go to the bathroom?
:'''Tori''': (''confused'') No...
:'''Cat''': Oh I do...Back in a boo!
:''(Goes off to the bathroom)''

=='''External links'''==
[[Category:Victorious seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 1)</title>
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      <parentid>3144699</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:45:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>209.141.185.100</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Metalhead [1.06] */</comment>
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'''Seasons: 1''' / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)|5: Tales of the TMNT]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Main]]
--------------

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of the 2012 series, ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''.

== ''{{w|Rise of the Turtles}}'' ==

=== Part 1 [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]]''': ''[after Raphael wins a sparring contest]'' Yame! You all did very well.
:'''Raph''': But I did better.
:'''Splinter''': This is about self-improvement, Raphael, it is not about winning and losing.
:'''Raph''': I know, sensei, but ''I'' won and ''they'' lost. ''[Splinter pinches a painful pressure point on Raph's neck]'' Aah, aah, aah! But, what's really important is that we all did our best. GOOD JOB, EVERYONE! 
:'''Splinter''': Heh, heh, heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were not fully prepared for what was up there. I trained you to fight as individuals, not as a team. And as your teacher, your father, the responsibility for that is mine. Perhaps in another year we can try again.
:'''Donnie:''' A another year!? Has everybody forgotten that people were kidnapped!? They don't have a year! Sensei, we have to do something now! You weren't there, Sensei. You didn’t see the way that girl looked into my eyes. She was scared and she's counting on me- I mean us- to save her.
:''[Splinters turns to stare at the black-and-white picture of himself, his wife Tang Shen, and their infant daughter Miwa]''
:'''Splinter:''' Yes. You must save her.
:'''Leo:''' I agree, Sensei, but in that fight we weren't actually a well-oiled machine.
:'''Mikey:''' Like that robot with the brain thingy.
:'''Raph:''' Give it a rest.

=== Part 2 [1.02] ===
:'''The Turtles''': Whoa.
:'''Leo''': So that's the...
:'''Donnie''': ...[[w:Mutagen|Mutagen]] that turned us all into what we are now.
:'''Mikey''': Let's drink some!
:'''Raph''': What!? Why would you do that!?
:'''Mikey''': 'Cause if you mutate a mutant, you get a super mutant!
:'''Donnie''': Or a pile of goo on the sidewalk.
:'''Raph''': Either way, it's an improvement.
:'''Leo''': Guys, this is huge. Whoever kidnapped those people are somehow connected to what happened to us 15 years ago.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph''': ''[to his pet turtle Spike]'' I know you're a little worried about me. Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. We've never gone into a fight like this, and I don't know what's gonna happen. But you don't have to worry. I will make it back. I love you, man.
:''[Raph then turns around in shock to see Mikey, who has heard his every word.]''
:'''Mikey''': Awww. Are you talking to your pet turtle?
:'''Raph''': No! Shut up!
:'''Mikey''': That's adorable!
:'''Raph''': Oh, I'm gonna crush you! ''[chases Mikey with a wooden spoon]'' I'm gonna shellac you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' There's so much riding on this. What if something goes wrong?
:'''Splinter''': Failure is a possibility all leaders must face, Leonardo. It is something I had to face in [[w:Japan|Japan]] during my battle with my old enemy, the Shredder. Years ago, Oroku Saki, as Shredder was called then, had been my friend. But the love of [[w:Tang Shen|a woman]] came between us. He could not accept it and his jealously turned outward in a vengeful attack. And although he could not defeat me that day, my world burned and crumbled around me, as the battle took the life of my beloved Tang Shen. And I lost my baby daughter, [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Miwa]].
:'''Leo:''' But that's my point, Sensei. You lost everything.
:'''Splinter:''' I lost many things - my family, my home, my name. But I gained many things as well, like the 4 of you.
:'''Leo:''' Don't worry. We can handle this.
:''[Just then, Mikey runs by with a metal pot on his head, screaming. Raph is still chasing him with a wooden spoon.]''
:'''Raph''': ''[angry]'' GET BACK HERE!
:''[Leo and Splinter sigh.]''

== ''Turtle Temper'' [1.03] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[clearly not liking what he just heard]'' Not only did Raphael alert the Kraang, but you got caught... ''[glares at Raph]'' ''on video!''
:'''Raph''': ''[defensively]'' Sensei, he was the angriest, nastiest guy you ever met!
:'''Mikey''': Except for you. ''[Raph slaps him]'' Ow!
:'''Raph''': You should've heard the insults this guy was throwing at us. They were so... ''insulting!''
:'''Splinter''': ''[sarcastically; not buying this excuse]'' Oh, I did not realize he said mean things. Of course, you had no choice but to jeopardize your mission!
:'''Mikey''': ''[mockingly]'' Buurn. ''[Raph grits his teeth]''
:'''Splinter''': You are ''ninjas''. You work in the ''shadows'', in ''secret''. This becomes difficult if there is proof of your existence in ''high definition!''
:'''Raph''': ''[trying to talk his way out of it]'' Look, we know where this guy lives. All we gotta do is find him and shake him 'till the tape pops out.
:'''Donnie''': Oh, there's no tape. Video phones use flash memory and-- ''[Raph growls like a bulldog in annoyance]''
:'''Splinter''': Anger is self-destructive.
:'''Raphael''': ''[side commenting disrespectfully]'' I always thought it was... others-destructive.
:'''Splinter''': ''[sternly; fed up with Raph's attitude and disrespect]'' Raphael! Stand up.
:'''Mikey''': Somebody's in trouble~...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': You understand me, don't you, Spike? Chew on your leaf if you understand me. ''[Spike chews on leaf]'' Yeah, I thought so.
:'''Splinter''': ''[suddenly walks in]'' I understand you too.
:'''Raph''': ''[scared out of his wits]'' Seriously, you gotta knock or something!
:'''Splinter''': Raphael, let me tell you a story.
:'''Raph''': ''[tiredly]''  Sensei, I'm not really in the mood for a story.
:'''Splinter''': Spike, chew on your leaf if you're in the mood for a story. ''[Spike chews on his leaf]'' Very well. When I was a young man, I fell in love with a woman.
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically; pretending to check the time]'' Oh, hey, is it that late already? ''[tries to leave]''
:'''Splinter''': ''[firmly]'' Sit! ''[Raph sits down in defeat and he continues]'' Her name was Tang Shen, and I was not the only one who loved her. There was another man competing for her attention, Oroku Saki.
:'''Raph''': Shredder.
:'''Splinter''': One day, he insulted me in front of her. He called me many things. I felt I couldn't let those insults go unanswered. I lost my temper, and over time, our rivalry festered into hatred. Until Shredder sought to finish me. And I lost my beloved Tang Shen.
:'''Raph''': ''[lost for words; unsure of how to react]'' But... But it wasn't your fault. Shredder insulted you, you... You had no choice.
:'''Splinter''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' &quot;No choice&quot;? I could have ''chosen'' to ignore him, I could have ''chosen'' to let his words wash over me, like a river over stone. ''[shamefully]'' But I ''let'' him anger me, it was ''I'' who made his ''words'' into ''weapons''. That's the choice ''I'' made. What choice will ''you'' make?

== ''New Friend, Old Enemy'' [1.04] ==
:'''Mikey''': I'm returning Mittens to her owner.
:'''Raph''': Are you an idiot? Wait, let me rephrase that. You're an idiot!
:'''Donnie''': You can't show yourself to a human.
:'''Mikey''': Why not?
:'''Donnie''': Because they'll freak the heck out, that's why not.
:'''Mikey''': No they won't. I'm not so scary.
:'''Raph''': You're an ugly, green mutant armed with ninja weapons.
:'''Mikey''': Look, this guy is gonna see that I'm just a regular cat-loving dude like him. We'll be best buds! This is gonna be awesome!
:''[jumps down, despite his brother's protests, to the owner of the cat's balcony]''
:'''Mikey''': Hi! Here's your--
:'''Cat Owner''': Gah! Ugly, green mutant freak!
:'''Mikey''': But I got your cat!
:'''Cat Owner''': Help! He's got my cat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Splinter sees Leo sweep Raph, giving him a flashback to when Shredder used that move on him. Cut back to reality]''
:'''Splinter''': Where did you learn that!?
:'''Leo''': Mikey learned it from his new friend.
:'''Splinter''': The man who taught him that ''kata'' is no friend! It comes from the Shredder.
:'''Donnie''': Shredder?
:'''Leo''': You mean Bradford is one of his students?
:'''Splinter''': He must be!
:'''Leo''': So Bradford's just pretending to be Mikey's friend to get to you!
:'''Raph''': Oh, man. Everything makes sense again. ''[realizes]'' Mikey's in trouble!

== ''I Think His Name is Baxter Stockman'' [1.05] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[in disbelief]'' How many times have I told you not to skateboard in the lair?!
:'''Michelangelo''': None, Sensei.
:'''Splinter''': ''[annoyed]'' I shouldn't ''have'' to tell you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': And where have you been?
:'''Raph''': Nowhere?
:'''Splinter''': How did you get so hurt?
:'''Leo''': Oh, that. Well, uh, we were...
:'''Raph''': Hit...
:'''Donnie''': By a...
:'''Mikey''': Bus?
:'''Donnie''': ''[whispers to Mikey]'' Hit by a bus?!
:'''Mikey''': Well, what was I supposed to say, meteor, cow, flying building?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Excuse me, Sensei, but ninjas never had to go up against guys in armor. ''[sees paintings, corrects himself]'' Oh, I mean ninjas ''always'' had to go up against guys in armor.
:'''Raph''': Nice save.
:'''Leo''': Sensei, what was their secret?
:'''Splinter''': They understood that you do not fight the armor, you fight the man inside.
:'''Mikey''': ''[Turtles stare at him who looks at them]'' Why are we all looking at each other?

== ''Metalhead'' [1.06] ==
:''[Splinter brings Donatello a new [[w: Bo staff |Bo-Staff]]]''
:'''Raphael''': Look, Spike. Donnie got a new stick to break.
:'''Don''': With all due respect Sensei, I can't keep fighting alien technology with a six-foot staff. I was hoping to upgrade my weapon.
:'''Splinter''': Hm... a ''seven'' foot staff. Interesting.
:'''Donnie''': No, I meant using modern technology.
:'''Splinter''': Ah, a ''solar-powered'' staff.
:'''Donnie''': I'm serious, sensei.
:'''Splinter''': I know. And yes you may upgrade your weapon.
:'''Donnie''': That's totally unfair! You can't just--Did you just say yes?
:'''Splinter:''' Ninjas have improved their arsenal for decades. We are masters of adaptation.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': ''[Watching April through the monitor]'' Look at her. She's so beautiful. On this monitor, she can't even tell I'm staring.
:'''April''': You do know that's not muted, right?
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': Ahh! Of course. I mean, if it was muted, you couldn't hear me joking. ''[Smacks his head and presses a button on the controls. Metalhead's megaphone activates] Man, I hope she bought that.
:'''April''': That's the megaphone.
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': ''[With the megaphone]'' I know!''[Turns megaphone off]'' So, how do you think the fight's going?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': BOOYAKASHA!
:'''Mikey''': Sounds weird when he says it.
:'''Raph''': It sounds weird when YOU say it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Nice job, bro! 
:'''Leo''': Way to go, Donnie.
:'''Raph''': Yeah, not bad, except for that part where you built the thing in the first place, and the part where it broke, and the part where it tried to kill us, and the part-
:'''Donnie''': ''[exasperated]'' Okay, I get it!

== ''Monkey Brains'' [1.07] ==
:'''April''': Careful, Donnie, that's a dangerous mutant!
:'''Donatello''': That makes two of us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': April, it seems you have a rare gift - a sensitivity I have trained my entire life to develop. I would like to train you to be a ''kunoichi'', a female ninja.
:'''April''': Wow. That's quite an honor. If I do this, does that mean I can kick everybody's butt?
:'''Splinter''': We do not believe in using our abilities that way.
:'''April''': Oh, sure. But I could, right?
:'''Splinter''': Yes. But it will the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. It will drain you physically, mentally and spiritually.
:'''April''': Can't be worse than high school.

== ''Never Say Xever'' [1.08] ==
:'''Donatello''': Are you saying turtles are slow?
:'''Michelangelo''': That's a hurtful stereotype.
:'''Leonardo''': Trust us, April, we are better keeping a low profile. We figured out people treat us better if they don't know we exist.
:'''April''': Sorry, I'm just so excited to finally get you out of the sewer for a change.
:'''Raphael''': What are you talking about? We go out all the time.
:'''April''': Yeah, but tonight your gonna do something besides hitting people.
:'''Raph''': ''[disappointed]'' Awe...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April''': Don't worry. You're going to love this noodle place a found.
:'''Don''': ''[nervous]'' And you're sure we'll be welcome?
:'''April''': Oh, yeah, Mr. Murakami doesn't care what you look like. In fact, he won't even know what you look like. He's blind.
:'''Mikey''': Awesome! ''[Raph slaps him]'' I mean, for us, obviously.

== ''The Gauntlet'' [1.09] ==
:'''Shredder''': Your skills are impressive. But they will not save you.
:'''Donatello''': Oh, man. You think that's the Shredder?
:'''Raphael''': Well, it's definitely ''a'' Shredder.
:'''Shredder''': There is undoubtedly a fascinating story as to how my [[w:Hamato Yoshi|old nemesis]] came to teach ninjitsu to four mutant turtles. Perhaps I will let one of you live long enough to tell it.
:'''Leonardo''': You're gonna have to catch us first! Mikey!?
:'''Mikey:''' So long, sucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were all very lucky.
:'''Raph:''' I think we define that word differently, Sensei.
:'''Mikey:''' He was just so fast.
:'''Donnie:''' It was like he was everywhere at once.
:'''Leo:''' You were right about us being overconfident, Sensei. There's just some things we're not ready for.
:'''Splinter:''' Perhaps, but that no longer matters. It is clear now that the Shredder is a problem that will not go away. So prepare yourselves, my sons, because as of this moment... we are at war.

== ''Panic in the Sewers'' [1.10] ==
:'''Donatello''': ''[Panting, turns to Master Splinter]'' Sensei, can we rest for a sec?
:'''Splinter''': Rest? Hm. The Shredder will not rest... until you are all dead!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Okay, Spike, you'll like this show. It's called &quot;Does Mikey Bend that Way?&quot;! ''[chases Mikey as he screams]'' Come here, you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Mikey! Throw the water balloon!
:'''Michelangelo''': Uh, what water balloon? 
:'''Leonardo''': The one you were gonna hit me with!
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[Looks at water balloon]'' Dude! You are good. ''[Throws the water balloon, Leo and Mikey take cover, and the van explodes in seconds.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nice shot, M - ''[Gets hit by Mikey's water balloon.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Doctor Prankenstein for the win!
:'''Leonardo''': You had two? Where do you keep them?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': No training today... ''[the Turtles cheer]'' unless Michelangelo throws that balloon.
:''[Raph, Donnie and Leo turn to see Mikey about to throw a water balloon. He laughs nervously.]''
:'''Raph''': You are so gonna get it!
:''[Mikey's brothers tackle him to the ground, making him scream in agony]''

== ''Mousers Attack!'' [1.11] ==
:'''Leonardo''': Look, guys, Raph and I may be better fighters, but you´re still an important part of this team.
:'''Donatello''': ''[annoyed]'' As important as you two?
:''[Leo and Raph look at each other.]''
:'''Leo''': Humm... ''Very'' important. We shouldn't compare ourselves. It's like apples and oranges.
:'''Raphael''': ''[Muttering]'' Yeah, if apples were way better, which they are.
:'''Don''': So, the truth comes out.
:'''Michelangelo''': You guys think of us as some kind of... B Team!
:'''Raph''': Good one, Dr. Namenstein. We'll call you &quot;The B Team&quot;!
:'''Mikey''': Thanks. I mean, hey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fishface''': If I weren't stuck in here, I would have caught Splinter by now!
:'''Dogpound''': But you ''are'' stuck in there. ''[starts tapping the glass in Fishface's fish tank, creating vibrations]''
:'''Fishface''': No-no-no-no! Stop that! Stop that! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Stop it!
:'''Dogpound''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure you'll have your chance to shine one of these days. Master Shredder might get hungry for sushi.
:'''Fishface''': Why don't you get in the water and say that!
:'''Shredder''': Enough, Xever! Bradford is right, you are useless to me this way! ''[to Dogpound]'' I'm counting on you, find me information I can use, or Xever won't be the only one missing his legs.

== ''It Came From the Depths'' [1.12] ==
:'''Leonardo''': We are ''not'' taking that monster home with us!
:'''Michelangelo''': He's not a monster! He's a giant, Kraang-crushing, mutant alligator monster! ''[Mikey realizes what he just said]'' I just said &quot;monster&quot;, didn't I?
:'''Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo''': Yeah.
:'''Mikey''': Well, you know what I meant!
:'''Raph''': I thought you meant &quot;monster&quot;.
:'''Donatello''': Yeah.
:'''Leo''': Mm-hm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Hey, guys! Leatherhead is totally off the chain.
:'''Raph''': You mean you set him free?!
:'''Mikey''': No, off the chain means he's cool. ''[his brothers sigh in relief]'' And that's why I set him free. ''[his brothers gasp]''
:'''Donnie''': You let that maniac loose?! Maybe you forgot that he grabbed me by the face. So I'll remind you: he grabbed me... '''''BY THE FACE'''''!!!
:'''Raph''': Relax. You've been hurt worse since.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': But we're still chaining him up, right?
:'''Splinter''': Of course, I am compassionate, not insane.

== ''I, Monster'' [1.13] ==
:'''Splinter:''' No, Leonardo. I am not. It seems your enemy, Dr. Victor Falco, has returned and he now calls himself &quot;the Rat King.&quot; He will not stop until he has total control over every rat in the city...and my mind.
:'''Leo:''' Sensei?
:'''Splinter''': Everything I knew is gone- my wife, my daughter, even my humanity. You four are all I have left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Mikey, poke him.
:'''Mikey''': No way! I'm not poking him! You poke him!
:'''Leo''': OK, we'll put it to a vote.
:'''Raph, Donnie and Leo''': Mikey!
:'''Mikey''': I want a re-count!

== ''New Girl in Town'' [1.14] ==
:'''Raph''': And the award for worst leader goes to-
:'''Leo''': How am I the worst leader?
:'''Raph''': If we did this my way, Snakeweed would be toast by now!
:'''Mikey''': Ugh, that'd be some nasty toast.
:'''Leo''': This way would've worked if you hadn't wasted time second-guessing my orders!
:'''Raph''': Don't give bad orders, and I won't second-guess 'em!
:'''Leo''': You know what, Raph? If you think you could do better, why don't you lead?
:'''Raph''': First good idea you've had all day!
:''[Both growl at each other. Mikey cuts in.]''
:'''Mikey''': We'll compromise. I'll lead.
:''[Raph and Leo give him death glares. Mikey smiles sheepishy and steps away.]''
:'''Leo''': Fine, Raph, the team's yours. I'm out of here. ''[walks away]''
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe he's gone.
:'''Donnie''': Aw, don't worry, Mikey. Leo... just needs some space. ''[Mikey gives him an annoyed look]'' You meant the pizza guy, didn't you?
:'''Mikey''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You always talk to yourself?
:'''Leonardo''': Sometimes I'm the only one who'll listen.
:'''Karai''': I'll listen...when you beg for your life.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how well you do against someone who can see.
:'''Karai''': Let's see how you do against someone who's better than you.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how you do against- ''Let's just go!''
:''[The two start sparring playfully with their unique fighting styles]''
:'''Leonardo''': ''Judikai''-interesting.
:'''Karai''': ''Kojokiri''- predictable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You're good. No wonder we haven't wiped you out yet.
:'''Leonardo''': It's not like Shredder hasn't been trying.
:'''Karai''': I know. It's all he ever talks about! Revenge, revenge. Vendetta, vendetta.
:'''Leonardo''': Really. I take it you don't approve.
:'''Karai''': No, I'm fine with it. I'm just saying, he needs a hobby.

== ''The Alien Agenda'' [1.15] ==
:'''Mikey''': So...
:'''Don''': We're thinking somebody should start talking!
:'''Leo''': I should have told you about Karai sooner, but I really thought there was a chance she would be good. And I guess I... sort of liked her. Go ahead, laugh.
:'''Mikey''': Dude, I can't believe you trusted her.
:'''Donnie''': I can't believe you didn't trust us enough to tell us.
:'''Leo''': I was wrong, I'm really sorry.
:'''April''': I tried to warn him.
:'''Raph''': You too, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raphael:''' Glad you came to your senses, bro.
: '''Leonardo:''' You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
: '''Raphael:''' I can see why you think she's hot...in an evil kind of way.
: '''Leonardo:''' Don't worry. I am so over that. 
:''[After Raph leaves, Leo looks dejected]''

== ''The Pulverizer'' [1.16] ==
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[on the phone]'' Donnie, we need help!! Raph's been bit by a giant poisonous fish!!
:'''Donatello''': That's not possible! If he was bitten, then it's venom, not poison.
:'''Michelangelo''': Interesting, interesting. ''Get over here!!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Donatello''': What are his symptoms?
:'''Michelangelo''': He keeps telling me I'm the smartest guy he knows.
:'''Donatello''': Okay, okay, he's delusional.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Raph, Leo and Mikey try to push the Shellraiser]''
:'''Raph''': Are you sure the parking brake isn't on?
:'''Donnie''': For the 100th time, YES! Oh, wait. ''[turns off the parking brake]'' Sorry, guys! Try it now.
:'''Leo, Mikey and Raph''': DONNIE!

== ''TCRI'' [1.17] ==
:'''Donatello''': I know I've seen this symbol; it's so familiar.
:'''Michelangelo''': The Olympics!
:'''Don''': No!
:'''Mikey''': I got it! The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': Stop guessing! Obviously it's a Kraang signal.
:'''Leo''': But from where?
:'''Mikey''': The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': ''QUIT IT!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': It's beautiful. Uh, Scientifically speaking.
:'''Raph''': Well, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
:'''Mikey''': Do you, Donatello, take this portal to be your lawfully wedded....
:'''Leo''': Knock it off!

== ''Cockroach Terminator'' [1.18] ==
:'''Leo''': Halt, Kraang!
:'''Kraang Droid''': The halting of Kraang would not be what the turtles shall be doing to Kraang.
:'''Leo''': Wrong! The halting of Kraang would be ''exactly'' what the turtles... Just halt!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' Alright, Roachie! Time to meet your maker!
:'''Donnie:''' Wait, isn't that me?
:'''Mikey:''' Exactly. Go get 'im, tiger!

== ''Baxter's Gambit'' [1.19] ==
:'''Mikey:''' Hey, Baxtin!
:'''Baxter:''' It's Baxter.
:'''Mikey:''' I was wondering, what made you so interested in a career of super villainy?
:'''Baxter:''' Well, since you won't be around to read my autobiography, I'll tell you. I was a frail, and delicately sensitive young child.
:'''Dogpound:''' Well, there's a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': I had intended to one day pass this on to my daughter. But I would like you to have it.
:'''April''': It's beautiful.
:'''Splinter''': Yes. And... 
:''[throws the Tessen fan at the Sacred Tree]''
:'''April''': I think we found my weapon.

== ''Enemy of My Enemy'' [1.20] ==
:'''Karai:''' I thought you were better than this!! I thought you were my friend! How could you betray me! You're just as shortsighted and obsessed as Shredder!!
:'''Leonardo:''' You said yourself how bad Shredder is! Why are you protecting him!? You said he's driving you crazy!
:'''Karai:''' He drives me crazy because he's my ''father''!
:'''Leonardo:''' ''What!?'' Shredder is your father? ''You're Shredder's daughter?''
:''[The Kraang ship flies closer]''
:'''Leo:''' We gotta stop that thing!
:'''Karai:''' Our deal's off! You wanna a feud? You got one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donatello:''' Leo, it's not that bad. You blew up the Kraang ship.
:'''Leonardo''': ''[dejected]'' But I also blew our chance to get Karai on our side.
:'''Raph:''' Look, she's Shredder's daughter! His blood! She was never gonna be on our side!
:'''Leo:''' Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I just was believing what I wanted to.
:'''Mikey:''' I've been there, dude. For me, it was leprechauns.
:'''Leo:''' Are you seriously comparing what I am going through to the time you found out leprechauns aren't real?
:'''Mikey:''' Leprechauns aren't real!?

== ''Karai's Vendetta'' [1.21] ==
:''[the Shredder is a holding a squirming Kraang in his hand]''
:'''Shredder''': Why were you hunting the Turtles?!
:''[the Kraang only squeals in fear]''
:'''Karai''': They don't talk much outside their little houses.
:''[the Shredder puts the Kraang into its exo-suit, which it controls]''
:'''Kraang droid''': Kr-kr-Kraang is lacking the knowledge to answer the questions that the one known as Shredder is asking of Kraang.
:'''Shredder''': ''[surprised]'' Do they all speak like this?
:'''Kraang droid''': Even if Kraang is possessing the knowledge, the one known as Shredder will never be getting that knowledge from Kraang.
:'''Karai''': You didn't have any other plans for today, did you?
:'''Shredder:''' Let's try this again! ''[unsheathes one of his gauntlet blades and points at the Kraang threateningly]'' Why were you hunting the Turtles!?
:'''Kraang droid:''' The Turtles are protecting the life-form that is needed by Kraang. The one known as April O'Neil.
:'''Shredder:''' Who is this April O'Neil?
:'''Kraang droid:''' She is the one known as &quot;the one.&quot; She is the link that is missing in the plan of Kraang.
:'''Karai:''' So this April O'Neil is at the center of everything.
:'''Shredder:''' Then perhaps we can use her to bring the Turtles out of hiding. Karai, find this girl and bring her to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' What makes ''you'' so special!!? You're the center of an alien conspiracy, protected by mutants, and trained by a great ninja master!! ''Why!!''
:'''April:''' ''I don't know!!'' I'm flunking trig! My friends are mutants! Aliens got my dad! ''And I lost my mother!''
:'''Karai:''' What? You lost your mother?
:'''April''': ''[recalls what Splinter had told her about unbalancing her opponent]'' AHHH!! ''[Flips Karai down the subway steps]'' Not bad for a nobody.

== ''The Pulverizer Returns!'' [1.22] ==
:'''Mikey''': Look, I'm Leo. ''[deeper pitched voice]'' Guys, shh. We have to be quiet. Ninjas are quiet. Quiet down.
:''[Raph and Donnie laugh]''
:'''Leo''': I sound nothing like that!
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes. That's why we're laughing, because you sound nothing like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pulverizer:''' This is my chance to be like you guys. Once I mutate I'll unleash all my awesome mutant powers on Shredder.
:'''Donnie:''' Uh, doing the mutation thing is notoriously unpredictable and ''really stupid!''

== ''Parasitica'' [1.23] ==
:'''Mikey''': Hey, Raph! Fire the weapons!
:'''Raph''': I don't think so.
:'''Mikey''': See, that's your problem. If I were in charge of weapons, I'd be firing at things all the time. That mailbox, blam! That newsstand, boom! That port-a-potty, splat!
:'''Leo''': And that's why you're not in charge of weapons. Now get back to your station and tell me which way to go.
:'''Mikey''': Hmm... okay. Uh, you should turn right... three blocks ago. ''[Leo, Donnie and Raph groan.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Let's trash the place.
:'''Leo''': Hold on, Raph. This is a recon mission. We go in there, find out what the Kraang are up to, and ''then'' we trash the place.
:'''Raph''': Fine. Wake me when we get to the trashing part.
&lt;hr width=&quot;59%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': You did save our lives. But you also used my favorite comic book as TOILET PAPER!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but I only did it so you'd chase me.
:'''Leo''': Well, it worked! ''[starts chasing Mikey]''
:'''Mikey''': WAIT! STOP!
:'''Leo''': MIKEY!
:''[Leo pounces on Mikey and beats him up]''
:'''Mikey''': I'M A HERO!

== ''Operation: Break Out'' [1.24] ==
:'''Donnie:''' What the heck was that?
:'''Raph:''' I was just having some fun. You know how much Mikey loves the Donnie puppet.
:'''Donnie:''' Dude, ''April'' was watching.
:'''Raph:''' I'm pretty sure she liked it... too. Wait. You still think you have a shot with her? 
:'''Donnie:''' Well... er, I mean-
:'''Raph:''' Wow. That's adorable and sad. It's &quot;sadorable&quot;. Look, if you wanna impress April, better leave me out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Why would Donnie try to rescue April's dad by himself?
:'''Raph:''' Maybe because I told him he has no shot with April?
:'''Leo:''' What? Why would you say that?
:'''Raph:''' Because he has no shot with April!
:'''Leo:''' Well, yeah, but you don't ''tell'' him that!
:'''Mikey:''' The heart's a soft muscle, man. A soft muscle. Squish.

== ''Showdown'' ==

* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] is revealed to be the presumably dead biological daughter of Hamato Yoshi/Splinter and his late wife Tang Shen. Her true name being '''Miwa'''.

=== Part 1 [1.25] ===
:'''Karai:''' Hey, there, Princess. Miss me?
:'''April:''' Yeah, actually. Last time I saw you, I forgot to give you ''this!'' ''[kicks Karai in the stomach]''
:'''Karai:''' You've done well. Now take the message to Splinter.
:'''April:''' Dad, what are you doing?! Dad!? You brainwashed him!
:'''Karai:''' I know. Pretty cool, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shredder:''' Hamato Yoshi, so glad you could accept my invitation.
:'''Splinter:''' What have you done with April!?
:'''Shredder:''' Now that you are here, Miss O'Neil is no longer any use to me. I gave her to my new friends- the Kraang.
:'''Splinter:''' ''[horrified]'' You fool! ''Do you have any idea what you've done!?''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[strikes Splinter from behind]'' Yes. I took your family away and I now I can put an end to ''you'' once and for all. 
:''[Splinter reveals his mutated rat face to his former adopted brother]''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[dumbfounded]'' What? A rat?! ''[chuckles mockingly]'' I see you are as hideous as those turtles that surround you. How fitting. You're a rat who has been caught in my trap.
:'''Splinter:''' Look closely at this face, Shredder.... ''[angrily]'' For it is the last thing you''ll ''ever see!''

=== Part 2 [1.26] ===

:'''Splinter''': ''[to Shredder]'' Oroku Saki, you were once my friend. I thought of you as my brother. 15 years ago, I was a different man. I had everything I could want - a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. And you, my loyal friend, jealousy consumed you. You sought that which was mine! You took everything that I love! ''Everything!'' And still you hunt me down! So I fight you now to end this!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April:''' Sensei, I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you earlier.
:'''Splinter:''' No need. You spoke what was in your heart. I am just relieved you made it home safely.
:'''Leo:''' What's wrong, sensei?
:'''Splinter:''' I learned some things from the Shredder.
:'''Leo:''' Like what?
:'''Splinter:''' That is a story for another time, Leonardo. Tonight is for celebration. After all, it's not everyday you save the world from an alien invasion.

== Characters ==
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Jason Biggs|Jason Biggs]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] 
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Sean Astin|Sean Astin]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Greg Cipes|Greg Cipes]]
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] / [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[w:Hoon Lee|Hoon Lee]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]]

===Supporting===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hamato Miwa/Karai]] - voiced by [[w:Kelly Hu|Kelly Hu]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Oroku Saki/Shredder/Super Shredder/Zombie Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman / Stockman-Fly]] – voiced by [[w:Phil LaMarr|Phil LaMarr]]
* [[w:Krang|Kraang]] / Kraang Prime - voiced by [[w:Roseanne Barr|Roseanne Barr]]

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series, season 1)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series) seasons|1]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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'''Seasons: 1''' / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)|5: Tales of the TMNT]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Main]]
--------------

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of the 2012 series, ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''.

== ''{{w|Rise of the Turtles}}'' ==

=== Part 1 [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]]''': ''[after Raphael wins a sparring contest]'' Yame! You all did very well.
:'''Raph''': But I did better.
:'''Splinter''': This is about self-improvement, Raphael, it is not about winning and losing.
:'''Raph''': I know, sensei, but ''I'' won and ''they'' lost. ''[Splinter pinches a painful pressure point on Raph's neck]'' Aah, aah, aah! But, what's really important is that we all did our best. GOOD JOB, EVERYONE! 
:'''Splinter''': Heh, heh, heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were not fully prepared for what was up there. I trained you to fight as individuals, not as a team. And as your teacher, your father, the responsibility for that is mine. Perhaps in another year we can try again.
:'''Donnie:''' A another year!? Has everybody forgotten that people were kidnapped!? They don't have a year! Sensei, we have to do something now! You weren't there, Sensei. You didn’t see the way that girl looked into my eyes. She was scared and she's counting on me- I mean us- to save her.
:''[Splinters turns to stare at the black-and-white picture of himself, his wife Tang Shen, and their infant daughter Miwa]''
:'''Splinter:''' Yes. You must save her.
:'''Leo:''' I agree, Sensei, but in that fight we weren't actually a well-oiled machine.
:'''Mikey:''' Like that robot with the brain thingy.
:'''Raph:''' Give it a rest.

=== Part 2 [1.02] ===
:'''The Turtles''': Whoa.
:'''Leo''': So that's the...
:'''Donnie''': ...[[w:Mutagen|Mutagen]] that turned us all into what we are now.
:'''Mikey''': Let's drink some!
:'''Raph''': What!? Why would you do that!?
:'''Mikey''': 'Cause if you mutate a mutant, you get a super mutant!
:'''Donnie''': Or a pile of goo on the sidewalk.
:'''Raph''': Either way, it's an improvement.
:'''Leo''': Guys, this is huge. Whoever kidnapped those people are somehow connected to what happened to us 15 years ago.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Raph''': ''[to his pet turtle Spike]'' I know you're a little worried about me. Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. We've never gone into a fight like this, and I don't know what's gonna happen. But you don't have to worry. I will make it back. I love you, man.
:''[Raph then turns around in shock to see Mikey, who has heard his every word.]''
:'''Mikey''': Awww. Are you talking to your pet turtle?
:'''Raph''': No! Shut up!
:'''Mikey''': That's adorable!
:'''Raph''': Oh, I'm gonna crush you! ''[chases Mikey with a wooden spoon]'' I'm gonna shellac you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' There's so much riding on this. What if something goes wrong?
:'''Splinter''': Failure is a possibility all leaders must face, Leonardo. It is something I had to face in [[w:Japan|Japan]] during my battle with my old enemy, the Shredder. Years ago, Oroku Saki, as Shredder was called then, had been my friend. But the love of [[w:Tang Shen|a woman]] came between us. He could not accept it and his jealously turned outward in a vengeful attack. And although he could not defeat me that day, my world burned and crumbled around me, as the battle took the life of my beloved Tang Shen. And I lost my baby daughter, [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Miwa]].
:'''Leo:''' But that's my point, Sensei. You lost everything.
:'''Splinter:''' I lost many things - my family, my home, my name. But I gained many things as well, like the 4 of you.
:'''Leo:''' Don't worry. We can handle this.
:''[Just then, Mikey runs by with a metal pot on his head, screaming. Raph is still chasing him with a wooden spoon.]''
:'''Raph''': ''[angry]'' GET BACK HERE!
:''[Leo and Splinter sigh.]''

== ''Turtle Temper'' [1.03] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[clearly not liking what he just heard]'' Not only did Raphael alert the Kraang, but you got caught... ''[glares at Raph]'' ''on video!''
:'''Raph''': ''[defensively]'' Sensei, he was the angriest, nastiest guy you ever met!
:'''Mikey''': Except for you. ''[Raph slaps him]'' Ow!
:'''Raph''': You should've heard the insults this guy was throwing at us. They were so... ''insulting!''
:'''Splinter''': ''[sarcastically; not buying this excuse]'' Oh, I did not realize he said mean things. Of course, you had no choice but to jeopardize your mission!
:'''Mikey''': ''[mockingly]'' Buurn. ''[Raph grits his teeth]''
:'''Splinter''': You are ''ninjas''. You work in the ''shadows'', in ''secret''. This becomes difficult if there is proof of your existence in ''high definition!''
:'''Raph''': ''[trying to talk his way out of it]'' Look, we know where this guy lives. All we gotta do is find him and shake him 'till the tape pops out.
:'''Donnie''': Oh, there's no tape. Video phones use flash memory and-- ''[Raph growls like a bulldog in annoyance]''
:'''Splinter''': Anger is self-destructive.
:'''Raphael''': ''[side commenting disrespectfully]'' I always thought it was... others-destructive.
:'''Splinter''': ''[sternly; fed up with Raph's attitude and disrespect]'' Raphael! Stand up.
:'''Mikey''': Somebody's in trouble~...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': You understand me, don't you, Spike? Chew on your leaf if you understand me. ''[Spike chews on leaf]'' Yeah, I thought so.
:'''Splinter''': ''[suddenly walks in]'' I understand you too.
:'''Raph''': ''[scared out of his wits]'' Seriously, you gotta knock or something!
:'''Splinter''': Raphael, let me tell you a story.
:'''Raph''': ''[tiredly]''  Sensei, I'm not really in the mood for a story.
:'''Splinter''': Spike, chew on your leaf if you're in the mood for a story. ''[Spike chews on his leaf]'' Very well. When I was a young man, I fell in love with a woman.
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically; pretending to check the time]'' Oh, hey, is it that late already? ''[tries to leave]''
:'''Splinter''': ''[firmly]'' Sit! ''[Raph sits down in defeat and he continues]'' Her name was Tang Shen, and I was not the only one who loved her. There was another man competing for her attention, Oroku Saki.
:'''Raph''': Shredder.
:'''Splinter''': One day, he insulted me in front of her. He called me many things. I felt I couldn't let those insults go unanswered. I lost my temper, and over time, our rivalry festered into hatred. Until Shredder sought to finish me. And I lost my beloved Tang Shen.
:'''Raph''': ''[lost for words; unsure of how to react]'' But... But it wasn't your fault. Shredder insulted you, you... You had no choice.
:'''Splinter''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' &quot;No choice&quot;? I could have ''chosen'' to ignore him, I could have ''chosen'' to let his words wash over me, like a river over stone. ''[shamefully]'' But I ''let'' him anger me, it was ''I'' who made his ''words'' into ''weapons''. That's the choice ''I'' made. What choice will ''you'' make?

== ''New Friend, Old Enemy'' [1.04] ==
:'''Mikey''': I'm returning Mittens to her owner.
:'''Raph''': Are you an idiot? Wait, let me rephrase that. You're an idiot!
:'''Donnie''': You can't show yourself to a human.
:'''Mikey''': Why not?
:'''Donnie''': Because they'll freak the heck out, that's why not.
:'''Mikey''': No they won't. I'm not so scary.
:'''Raph''': You're an ugly, green mutant armed with ninja weapons.
:'''Mikey''': Look, this guy is gonna see that I'm just a regular cat-loving dude like him. We'll be best buds! This is gonna be awesome!
:''[jumps down, despite his brother's protests, to the owner of the cat's balcony]''
:'''Mikey''': Hi! Here's your--
:'''Cat Owner''': Gah! Ugly, green mutant freak!
:'''Mikey''': But I got your cat!
:'''Cat Owner''': Help! He's got my cat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Splinter sees Leo sweep Raph, giving him a flashback to when Shredder used that move on him. Cut back to reality]''
:'''Splinter''': Where did you learn that!?
:'''Leo''': Mikey learned it from his new friend.
:'''Splinter''': The man who taught him that ''kata'' is no friend! It comes from the Shredder.
:'''Donnie''': Shredder?
:'''Leo''': You mean Bradford is one of his students?
:'''Splinter''': He must be!
:'''Leo''': So Bradford's just pretending to be Mikey's friend to get to you!
:'''Raph''': Oh, man. Everything makes sense again. ''[realizes]'' Mikey's in trouble!

== ''I Think His Name is Baxter Stockman'' [1.05] ==
:'''Splinter''': ''[in disbelief]'' How many times have I told you not to skateboard in the lair?!
:'''Michelangelo''': None, Sensei.
:'''Splinter''': ''[annoyed]'' I shouldn't ''have'' to tell you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': And where have you been?
:'''Raph''': Nowhere?
:'''Splinter''': How did you get so hurt?
:'''Leo''': Oh, that. Well, uh, we were...
:'''Raph''': Hit...
:'''Donnie''': By a...
:'''Mikey''': Bus?
:'''Donnie''': ''[whispers to Mikey]'' Hit by a bus?!
:'''Mikey''': Well, what was I supposed to say, meteor, cow, flying building?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Excuse me, Sensei, but ninjas never had to go up against guys in armor. ''[sees paintings, corrects himself]'' Oh, I mean ninjas ''always'' had to go up against guys in armor.
:'''Raph''': Nice save.
:'''Leo''': Sensei, what was their secret?
:'''Splinter''': They understood that you do not fight the armor, you fight the man inside.
:'''Mikey''': ''[Turtles stare at him who looks at them]'' Why are we all looking at each other?

== ''Metalhead'' [1.06] ==
:''[Splinter brings Donatello a new [[w: Bo staff |Bo-Staff]]]''
:'''Raphael''': Look, Spike. Donnie got a new stick to break.
:'''Don''': With all due respect Sensei, I can't keep fighting alien technology with a six-foot staff. I was hoping to upgrade my weapon.
:'''Splinter''': Hm... a ''seven'' foot staff. Interesting.
:'''Donnie''': No, I meant using modern technology.
:'''Splinter''': Ah, a ''solar-powered'' staff.
:'''Donnie''': I'm serious, sensei.
:'''Splinter''': I know. And yes you may upgrade your weapon.
:'''Donnie''': That's totally unfair! You can't just--Did you just say yes?
:'''Splinter:''' Ninjas have improved their arsenal for decades. We are masters of adaptation.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': ''[Watching April through the monitor]'' Look at her. She's so beautiful. On this monitor, she can't even tell I'm staring.
:'''April''': You do know that's not muted, right?
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': Ahh! Of course. I mean, if it was muted, you couldn't hear me joking. ''[Smacks his head and presses a button on the controls. Metalhead's megaphone activates] Man, I hope she bought that.
:'''April''': That's the megaphone.
:'''Metalhead (Donnie)''': ''[With the megaphone]'' I know!''[Turns megaphone off]'' So, how do you think the fight's going?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': BOOYAKASHA!
:'''Mikey''': Sounds weird when he says it.
:'''Raph''': It sounds weird when YOU say it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Nice job, bro! 
:'''Leo''': Way to go, Donnie.
:'''Raph''': Yeah, not bad, except for that part where you built the thing in the first place, and the part where it broke, and the part where it tried to kill us, and the part-
:'''Donnie''': ''[exasperated]'' Okay, I get it!

== ''Monkey Brains'' [1.07] ==
:'''April''': Careful, Donnie, that's a dangerous mutant!
:'''Donatello''': That makes two of us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': April, it seems you have a rare gift - a sensitivity I have trained my entire life to develop. I would like to train you to be a ''kunoichi'', a female ninja.
:'''April''': Wow. That's quite an honor. If I do this, does that mean I can kick everybody's butt?
:'''Splinter''': We do not believe in using our abilities that way.
:'''April''': Oh, sure. But I could, right?
:'''Splinter''': Yes. But it will the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. It will drain you physically, mentally and spiritually.
:'''April''': Can't be worse than high school.

== ''Never Say Xever'' [1.08] ==
:'''Donatello''': Are you saying turtles are slow?
:'''Michelangelo''': That's a hurtful stereotype.
:'''Leonardo''': Trust us, April, we are better keeping a low profile. We figured out people treat us better if they don't know we exist.
:'''April''': Sorry, I'm just so excited to finally get you out of the sewer for a change.
:'''Raphael''': What are you talking about? We go out all the time.
:'''April''': Yeah, but tonight your gonna do something besides hitting people.
:'''Raph''': ''[disappointed]'' Awe...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April''': Don't worry. You're going to love this noodle place a found.
:'''Don''': ''[nervous]'' And you're sure we'll be welcome?
:'''April''': Oh, yeah, Mr. Murakami doesn't care what you look like. In fact, he won't even know what you look like. He's blind.
:'''Mikey''': Awesome! ''[Raph slaps him]'' I mean, for us, obviously.

== ''The Gauntlet'' [1.09] ==
:'''Shredder''': Your skills are impressive. But they will not save you.
:'''Donatello''': Oh, man. You think that's the Shredder?
:'''Raphael''': Well, it's definitely ''a'' Shredder.
:'''Shredder''': There is undoubtedly a fascinating story as to how my [[w:Hamato Yoshi|old nemesis]] came to teach ninjitsu to four mutant turtles. Perhaps I will let one of you live long enough to tell it.
:'''Leonardo''': You're gonna have to catch us first! Mikey!?
:'''Mikey:''' So long, sucker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You were all very lucky.
:'''Raph:''' I think we define that word differently, Sensei.
:'''Mikey:''' He was just so fast.
:'''Donnie:''' It was like he was everywhere at once.
:'''Leo:''' You were right about us being overconfident, Sensei. There's just some things we're not ready for.
:'''Splinter:''' Perhaps, but that no longer matters. It is clear now that the Shredder is a problem that will not go away. So prepare yourselves, my sons, because as of this moment... we are at war.

== ''Panic in the Sewers'' [1.10] ==
:'''Donatello''': ''[Panting, turns to Master Splinter]'' Sensei, can we rest for a sec?
:'''Splinter''': Rest? Hm. The Shredder will not rest... until you are all dead!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raphael''': Okay, Spike, you'll like this show. It's called &quot;Does Mikey Bend that Way?&quot;! ''[chases Mikey as he screams]'' Come here, you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leonardo''': Mikey! Throw the water balloon!
:'''Michelangelo''': Uh, what water balloon? 
:'''Leonardo''': The one you were gonna hit me with!
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[Looks at water balloon]'' Dude! You are good. ''[Throws the water balloon, Leo and Mikey take cover, and the van explodes in seconds.]''
:'''Leonardo''': Nice shot, M - ''[Gets hit by Mikey's water balloon.]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Doctor Prankenstein for the win!
:'''Leonardo''': You had two? Where do you keep them?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': No training today... ''[the Turtles cheer]'' unless Michelangelo throws that balloon.
:''[Raph, Donnie and Leo turn to see Mikey about to throw a water balloon. He laughs nervously.]''
:'''Raph''': You are so gonna get it!
:''[Mikey's brothers tackle him to the ground, making him scream in agony]''

== ''Mousers Attack!'' [1.11] ==
:'''Leonardo''': Look, guys, Raph and I may be better fighters, but you´re still an important part of this team.
:'''Donatello''': ''[annoyed]'' As important as you two?
:''[Leo and Raph look at each other.]''
:'''Leo''': Humm... ''Very'' important. We shouldn't compare ourselves. It's like apples and oranges.
:'''Raphael''': ''[Muttering]'' Yeah, if apples were way better, which they are.
:'''Don''': So, the truth comes out.
:'''Michelangelo''': You guys think of us as some kind of... B Team!
:'''Raph''': Good one, Dr. Namenstein. We'll call you &quot;The B Team&quot;!
:'''Mikey''': Thanks. I mean, hey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fishface''': If I weren't stuck in here, I would have caught Splinter by now!
:'''Dogpound''': But you ''are'' stuck in there. ''[starts tapping the glass in Fishface's fish tank, creating vibrations]''
:'''Fishface''': No-no-no-no! Stop that! Stop that! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Stop it!
:'''Dogpound''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure you'll have your chance to shine one of these days. Master Shredder might get hungry for sushi.
:'''Fishface''': Why don't you get in the water and say that!
:'''Shredder''': Enough, Xever! Bradford is right, you are useless to me this way! ''[to Dogpound]'' I'm counting on you, find me information I can use, or Xever won't be the only one missing his legs.

== ''It Came From the Depths'' [1.12] ==
:'''Leonardo''': We are ''not'' taking that monster home with us!
:'''Michelangelo''': He's not a monster! He's a giant, Kraang-crushing, mutant alligator monster! ''[Mikey realizes what he just said]'' I just said &quot;monster&quot;, didn't I?
:'''Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo''': Yeah.
:'''Mikey''': Well, you know what I meant!
:'''Raph''': I thought you meant &quot;monster&quot;.
:'''Donatello''': Yeah.
:'''Leo''': Mm-hm.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Hey, guys! Leatherhead is totally off the chain.
:'''Raph''': You mean you set him free?!
:'''Mikey''': No, off the chain means he's cool. ''[his brothers sigh in relief]'' And that's why I set him free. ''[his brothers gasp]''
:'''Donnie''': You let that maniac loose?! Maybe you forgot that he grabbed me by the face. So I'll remind you: he grabbed me... '''''BY THE FACE'''''!!!
:'''Raph''': Relax. You've been hurt worse since.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': But we're still chaining him up, right?
:'''Splinter''': Of course, I am compassionate, not insane.

== ''I, Monster'' [1.13] ==
:'''Splinter:''' No, Leonardo. I am not. It seems your enemy, Dr. Victor Falco, has returned and he now calls himself &quot;the Rat King.&quot; He will not stop until he has total control over every rat in the city...and my mind.
:'''Leo:''' Sensei?
:'''Splinter''': Everything I knew is gone- my wife, my daughter, even my humanity. You four are all I have left.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Mikey, poke him.
:'''Mikey''': No way! I'm not poking him! You poke him!
:'''Leo''': OK, we'll put it to a vote.
:'''Raph, Donnie and Leo''': Mikey!
:'''Mikey''': I want a re-count!

== ''New Girl in Town'' [1.14] ==
:'''Raph''': And the award for worst leader goes to-
:'''Leo''': How am I the worst leader?
:'''Raph''': If we did this my way, Snakeweed would be toast by now!
:'''Mikey''': Ugh, that'd be some nasty toast.
:'''Leo''': This way would've worked if you hadn't wasted time second-guessing my orders!
:'''Raph''': Don't give bad orders, and I won't second-guess 'em!
:'''Leo''': You know what, Raph? If you think you could do better, why don't you lead?
:'''Raph''': First good idea you've had all day!
:''[Both growl at each other. Mikey cuts in.]''
:'''Mikey''': We'll compromise. I'll lead.
:''[Raph and Leo give him death glares. Mikey smiles sheepishy and steps away.]''
:'''Leo''': Fine, Raph, the team's yours. I'm out of here. ''[walks away]''
:'''Mikey''': I can't believe he's gone.
:'''Donnie''': Aw, don't worry, Mikey. Leo... just needs some space. ''[Mikey gives him an annoyed look]'' You meant the pizza guy, didn't you?
:'''Mikey''': Yeah.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You always talk to yourself?
:'''Leonardo''': Sometimes I'm the only one who'll listen.
:'''Karai''': I'll listen...when you beg for your life.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how well you do against someone who can see.
:'''Karai''': Let's see how you do against someone who's better than you.
:'''Leonardo''': Let's see how you do against- ''Let's just go!''
:''[The two start sparring playfully with their unique fighting styles]''
:'''Leonardo''': ''Judikai''-interesting.
:'''Karai''': ''Kojokiri''- predictable.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai''': You're good. No wonder we haven't wiped you out yet.
:'''Leonardo''': It's not like Shredder hasn't been trying.
:'''Karai''': I know. It's all he ever talks about! Revenge, revenge. Vendetta, vendetta.
:'''Leonardo''': Really. I take it you don't approve.
:'''Karai''': No, I'm fine with it. I'm just saying, he needs a hobby.

== ''The Alien Agenda'' [1.15] ==
:'''Mikey''': So...
:'''Don''': We're thinking somebody should start talking!
:'''Leo''': I should have told you about Karai sooner, but I really thought there was a chance she would be good. And I guess I... sort of liked her. Go ahead, laugh.
:'''Mikey''': Dude, I can't believe you trusted her.
:'''Donnie''': I can't believe you didn't trust us enough to tell us.
:'''Leo''': I was wrong, I'm really sorry.
:'''April''': I tried to warn him.
:'''Raph''': You too, huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raphael:''' Glad you came to your senses, bro.
: '''Leonardo:''' You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
: '''Raphael:''' I can see why you think she's hot...in an evil kind of way.
: '''Leonardo:''' Don't worry. I am so over that. 
:''[After Raph leaves, Leo looks dejected]''

== ''The Pulverizer'' [1.16] ==
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[on the phone]'' Donnie, we need help!! Raph's been bit by a giant poisonous fish!!
:'''Donatello''': That's not possible! If he was bitten, then it's venom, not poison.
:'''Michelangelo''': Interesting, interesting. ''Get over here!!''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Donatello''': What are his symptoms?
:'''Michelangelo''': He keeps telling me I'm the smartest guy he knows.
:'''Donatello''': Okay, okay, he's delusional.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Raph, Leo and Mikey try to push the Shellraiser]''
:'''Raph''': Are you sure the parking brake isn't on?
:'''Donnie''': For the 100th time, YES! Oh, wait. ''[turns off the parking brake]'' Sorry, guys! Try it now.
:'''Leo, Mikey and Raph''': DONNIE!

== ''TCRI'' [1.17] ==
:'''Donatello''': I know I've seen this symbol; it's so familiar.
:'''Michelangelo''': The Olympics!
:'''Don''': No!
:'''Mikey''': I got it! The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': Stop guessing! Obviously it's a Kraang signal.
:'''Leo''': But from where?
:'''Mikey''': The Olympics!
:'''Donnie''': ''QUIT IT!!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': It's beautiful. Uh, Scientifically speaking.
:'''Raph''': Well, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
:'''Mikey''': Do you, Donatello, take this portal to be your lawfully wedded....
:'''Leo''': Knock it off!

== ''Cockroach Terminator'' [1.18] ==
:'''Leo''': Halt, Kraang!
:'''Kraang Droid''': The halting of Kraang would not be what the turtles shall be doing to Kraang.
:'''Leo''': Wrong! The halting of Kraang would be ''exactly'' what the turtles... Just halt!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' Alright, Roachie! Time to meet your maker!
:'''Donnie:''' Wait, isn't that me?
:'''Mikey:''' Exactly. Go get 'im, tiger!

== ''Baxter's Gambit'' [1.19] ==
:'''Mikey:''' Hey, Baxtin!
:'''Baxter:''' It's Baxter.
:'''Mikey:''' I was wondering, what made you so interested in a career of super villainy?
:'''Baxter:''' Well, since you won't be around to read my autobiography, I'll tell you. I was a frail, and delicately sensitive young child.
:'''Dogpound:''' Well, there's a surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': I had intended to one day pass this on to my daughter. But I would like you to have it.
:'''April''': It's beautiful.
:'''Splinter''': Yes. And... 
:''[throws the Tessen fan at the Sacred Tree]''
:'''April''': I think we found my weapon.

== ''Enemy of My Enemy'' [1.20] ==
:'''Karai:''' I thought you were better than this!! I thought you were my friend! How could you betray me! You're just as shortsighted and obsessed as Shredder!!
:'''Leonardo:''' You said yourself how bad Shredder is! Why are you protecting him!? You said he's driving you crazy!
:'''Karai:''' He drives me crazy because he's my ''father''!
:'''Leonardo:''' ''What!?'' Shredder is your father? ''You're Shredder's daughter?''
:''[The Kraang ship flies closer]''
:'''Leo:''' We gotta stop that thing!
:'''Karai:''' Our deal's off! You wanna a feud? You got one!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Hey, the stealth bike's my thing!
:'''Leo''': Now your thing is sucking it up.
:'''Donnie''': Hey, that's my thing!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donatello:''' Leo, it's not that bad. You blew up the Kraang ship.
:'''Leonardo''': ''[dejected]'' But I also blew our chance to get Karai on our side.
:'''Raph:''' Look, she's Shredder's daughter! His blood! She was never gonna be on our side!
:'''Leo:''' Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I just was believing what I wanted to.
:'''Mikey:''' I've been there, dude. For me, it was leprechauns.
:'''Leo:''' Are you seriously comparing what I am going through to the time you found out leprechauns aren't real?
:'''Mikey:''' Leprechauns aren't real!?

== ''Karai's Vendetta'' [1.21] ==
:''[the Shredder is a holding a squirming Kraang in his hand]''
:'''Shredder''': Why were you hunting the Turtles?!
:''[the Kraang only squeals in fear]''
:'''Karai''': They don't talk much outside their little houses.
:''[the Shredder puts the Kraang into its exo-suit, which it controls]''
:'''Kraang droid''': Kr-kr-Kraang is lacking the knowledge to answer the questions that the one known as Shredder is asking of Kraang.
:'''Shredder''': ''[surprised]'' Do they all speak like this?
:'''Kraang droid''': Even if Kraang is possessing the knowledge, the one known as Shredder will never be getting that knowledge from Kraang.
:'''Karai''': You didn't have any other plans for today, did you?
:'''Shredder:''' Let's try this again! ''[unsheathes one of his gauntlet blades and points at the Kraang threateningly]'' Why were you hunting the Turtles!?
:'''Kraang droid:''' The Turtles are protecting the life-form that is needed by Kraang. The one known as April O'Neil.
:'''Shredder:''' Who is this April O'Neil?
:'''Kraang droid:''' She is the one known as &quot;the one.&quot; She is the link that is missing in the plan of Kraang.
:'''Karai:''' So this April O'Neil is at the center of everything.
:'''Shredder:''' Then perhaps we can use her to bring the Turtles out of hiding. Karai, find this girl and bring her to me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' What makes ''you'' so special!!? You're the center of an alien conspiracy, protected by mutants, and trained by a great ninja master!! ''Why!!''
:'''April:''' ''I don't know!!'' I'm flunking trig! My friends are mutants! Aliens got my dad! ''And I lost my mother!''
:'''Karai:''' What? You lost your mother?
:'''April''': ''[recalls what Splinter had told her about unbalancing her opponent]'' AHHH!! ''[Flips Karai down the subway steps]'' Not bad for a nobody.

== ''The Pulverizer Returns!'' [1.22] ==
:'''Mikey''': Look, I'm Leo. ''[deeper pitched voice]'' Guys, shh. We have to be quiet. Ninjas are quiet. Quiet down.
:''[Raph and Donnie laugh]''
:'''Leo''': I sound nothing like that!
:'''Raph''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yes. That's why we're laughing, because you sound nothing like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pulverizer:''' This is my chance to be like you guys. Once I mutate I'll unleash all my awesome mutant powers on Shredder.
:'''Donnie:''' Uh, doing the mutation thing is notoriously unpredictable and ''really stupid!''

== ''Parasitica'' [1.23] ==
:'''Mikey''': Hey, Raph! Fire the weapons!
:'''Raph''': I don't think so.
:'''Mikey''': See, that's your problem. If I were in charge of weapons, I'd be firing at things all the time. That mailbox, blam! That newsstand, boom! That port-a-potty, splat!
:'''Leo''': And that's why you're not in charge of weapons. Now get back to your station and tell me which way to go.
:'''Mikey''': Hmm... okay. Uh, you should turn right... three blocks ago. ''[Leo, Donnie and Raph groan.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph''': Let's trash the place.
:'''Leo''': Hold on, Raph. This is a recon mission. We go in there, find out what the Kraang are up to, and ''then'' we trash the place.
:'''Raph''': Fine. Wake me when we get to the trashing part.
&lt;hr width=&quot;59%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': You did save our lives. But you also used my favorite comic book as TOILET PAPER!
:'''Mikey''': Yeah, but I only did it so you'd chase me.
:'''Leo''': Well, it worked! ''[starts chasing Mikey]''
:'''Mikey''': WAIT! STOP!
:'''Leo''': MIKEY!
:''[Leo pounces on Mikey and beats him up]''
:'''Mikey''': I'M A HERO!

== ''Operation: Break Out'' [1.24] ==
:'''Donnie:''' What the heck was that?
:'''Raph:''' I was just having some fun. You know how much Mikey loves the Donnie puppet.
:'''Donnie:''' Dude, ''April'' was watching.
:'''Raph:''' I'm pretty sure she liked it... too. Wait. You still think you have a shot with her? 
:'''Donnie:''' Well... er, I mean-
:'''Raph:''' Wow. That's adorable and sad. It's &quot;sadorable&quot;. Look, if you wanna impress April, better leave me out of it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Why would Donnie try to rescue April's dad by himself?
:'''Raph:''' Maybe because I told him he has no shot with April?
:'''Leo:''' What? Why would you say that?
:'''Raph:''' Because he has no shot with April!
:'''Leo:''' Well, yeah, but you don't ''tell'' him that!
:'''Mikey:''' The heart's a soft muscle, man. A soft muscle. Squish.

== ''Showdown'' ==

* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] is revealed to be the presumably dead biological daughter of Hamato Yoshi/Splinter and his late wife Tang Shen. Her true name being '''Miwa'''.

=== Part 1 [1.25] ===
:'''Karai:''' Hey, there, Princess. Miss me?
:'''April:''' Yeah, actually. Last time I saw you, I forgot to give you ''this!'' ''[kicks Karai in the stomach]''
:'''Karai:''' You've done well. Now take the message to Splinter.
:'''April:''' Dad, what are you doing?! Dad!? You brainwashed him!
:'''Karai:''' I know. Pretty cool, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shredder:''' Hamato Yoshi, so glad you could accept my invitation.
:'''Splinter:''' What have you done with April!?
:'''Shredder:''' Now that you are here, Miss O'Neil is no longer any use to me. I gave her to my new friends- the Kraang.
:'''Splinter:''' ''[horrified]'' You fool! ''Do you have any idea what you've done!?''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[strikes Splinter from behind]'' Yes. I took your family away and I now I can put an end to ''you'' once and for all. 
:''[Splinter reveals his mutated rat face to his former adopted brother]''
:'''Shredder:''' ''[dumbfounded]'' What? A rat?! ''[chuckles mockingly]'' I see you are as hideous as those turtles that surround you. How fitting. You're a rat who has been caught in my trap.
:'''Splinter:''' Look closely at this face, Shredder.... ''[angrily]'' For it is the last thing you''ll ''ever see!''

=== Part 2 [1.26] ===

:'''Splinter''': ''[to Shredder]'' Oroku Saki, you were once my friend. I thought of you as my brother. 15 years ago, I was a different man. I had everything I could want - a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. And you, my loyal friend, jealousy consumed you. You sought that which was mine! You took everything that I love! ''Everything!'' And still you hunt me down! So I fight you now to end this!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''April:''' Sensei, I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you earlier.
:'''Splinter:''' No need. You spoke what was in your heart. I am just relieved you made it home safely.
:'''Leo:''' What's wrong, sensei?
:'''Splinter:''' I learned some things from the Shredder.
:'''Leo:''' Like what?
:'''Splinter:''' That is a story for another time, Leonardo. Tonight is for celebration. After all, it's not everyday you save the world from an alien invasion.

== Characters ==
* [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] (or Leo) - voiced by [[w:Jason Biggs|Jason Biggs]]
* [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]] (or Donnie) - voiced by [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] 
* [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] (or Raph) - voiced by [[w:Sean Astin|Sean Astin]]
* [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] (or Mikey) - voiced by [[w:Greg Cipes|Greg Cipes]]
* [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]] / [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter]] - voiced by [[w:Hoon Lee|Hoon Lee]]
* [[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] - voiced by [[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]]

===Supporting===
* [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Hamato Miwa/Karai]] - voiced by [[w:Kelly Hu|Kelly Hu]]
* [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Oroku Saki/Shredder/Super Shredder/Zombie Shredder]] - voiced by [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]]
* [[w:Baxter Stockman|Baxter Stockman / Stockman-Fly]] – voiced by [[w:Phil LaMarr|Phil LaMarr]]
* [[w:Krang|Kraang]] / Kraang Prime - voiced by [[w:Roseanne Barr|Roseanne Barr]]

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series, season 1)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series) seasons|1]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 2)</title>
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'''Seasons:''' [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 1)|1]] / '''2''' /  [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)|4]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)|5: Tales of the TMNT]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Main]]

-------------------------------

The following is a list of quotes from the second season of the 2012 series ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''.

==Episodes 27–52==

===The Mutation Situation===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Leonardo:''' It seems like you been avoiding us lately, April.
:'''April:''' It's not my fault. Dad's alien abduction nightmares are getting worse. He barely let's me out of the house.
:'''Kirby O'Neil:''' I'm sorry, April. It's just... What if the Kraang are still out there? I'll do anything to protect you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': Butt Cannons? IT HAS BUTT CANNONS?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph:''' Can this night get any worse?!
:'''Leo:''' Guys, I think that mutant was Mr. O'Neil. (So you're right, Raph.)
:'''Mikey:''' How could you tell?
:'''Leo:''' You see many giant, red-bearded, middle-aged bats running lately?
:'''Donnie:''' We gotta go after her!
:'''Raph:''' But what about all that mutagen? We got canisters spread all over the city!
:'''Leo:''' It's gonna have to wait, Raph. April's dad comes first. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Time for Turflytle to take out his arch-nemesis, Wingnut!
:'''Donnie''': You are NOT giving Mr. O'Neil a monster name!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Back in Shredder's lair]''
:'''Shredder:''' Where is my mutagen, creature?
:'''Kraang:''' The complications became overly complicated. The ones known as the turtles stopped the shipment. Kraang will make amends.
:'''Shredder:''' These creatures are useless. It is time to expand my army, On my own. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' This is all very grave news. Very grave, indeed.
:'''Donnie:''' I can't believe this is happening. Poor April.
:'''Splinter:''' Do not dwell on the past. (April can wait.) You must find every last canister of mutagen. You must search every street, every park and playground, every building and rooftop... before we have even more mutants on our hands.

===Invasion of the Squirrelanoids===
:'''Mikey''': Bros, brace for grossness!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter''': I do not want to say I was right, but... I was right.

===Follow the Leader===
: '''Karai:''' You know, I bet I'd make a small fortune if I sold you to a science lab. Could you imagine the press? &quot;Talking Ninja Turtle found in sewer.&quot;
: '''Leonardo:''' Great. Captured and now totally humiliated. Awesome day, Leo. Awesome day.
: '''Karai:''' You deserve everything you're getting, Leo! After you betrayed me last time!
[Karai snaps her fingers and Footbots sit in position around the cage.]
: '''Karai:''' Don't you love it? My new robotic Foot Bots follow my orders to a &quot;T.&quot; No arguing, no prodding. They do whatever I want. Cool, right?
: '''Leonardo:''' Yeah, convenient. Nice.
: '''Karai:''' I've been teaching the Foot Bots new skills, but now I'm turning the training over to someone new.
[Karai frees Leo and gives him his swords.]
: '''Karai:''' Footbots, de-shell him!

Foot bots, de-shell him! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Leonardo:''' I'm sorry to bother you, Master Splinter. I need to ask you some questions- about Karai.
: '''Splinter:''' It is late, Leonardo. These questions will have to wait for another time.
: '''Leonardo:''' She said you took her mother away from her. I know it's not true, right?
: '''Splinter:''' No. It is not true. But the truth is just as difficult.
: '''Leonardo:''' Please, sensei, tell me. Trust me.
: '''Splinter:''' Karai... is my daughter.

===Mutagen Man Unleashed===
:''[Mikey is watching a show on TV.]''
:'''Princess Zee''': Oh, no! Super bad times for all!
:'''Captain Coolstar''': Does great danger arrive? Where?
:'''Dr. Blip''': Kill-beast-bots from planet seven are here with steely resolve! Captain Coolstar, what are we going to do? [gets smacked by Coolstar] Ow!
:'''Coolstar''': Get a hold of yourself, man!
:''[Squeakums whimpers.]''
:'''Lunk''': Don't worry, Squeakums. We'll blast 'em with mighty super robo mecha!
:'''Coolstar''': Team! Combine in teamwork mode!
:'''All''': Super! Robo! Mecha! Force! Five! Team! Five! Go!
:'''Raph''': What the heck is this nonsense?! It's terrible!
:'''Mikey''': Terribly awesome! I found these old tapes in a dumpster.
:'''Leo''': Tapes?
:'''Mikey''': Check it out.
:'''Leo''': Dude, this is awful. And you guys complained about Space Heroes.
:'''Raph''': Their lips don't even match what they're saying! I could never watch a show this bad!
:''[Later, all four turtles are addicted to the show.]''
:'''Zee''': ''[On TV]'' There are too many of them, captain!
:'''Raph''': So she's the princess of an ''entire'' planet? Cool!
:'''Lunk''': [On TV]: Engage lasertron fury!
:'''Mikey''': Yep, and she also pilots the robot's left leg. She rules! But that scientist dude made the robot.
:'''Donnie''': The story has such an intricate, layered plot. Four stars!
:'''Blip''': ''[On TV]'' P-p-princess, I'd like to invite you for space dinner, if you please. Yes?
:'''Zee''': What?! I, date a weakling like you?! ''[walks away]'' Not for 10,000 Zarkon crystals!
:''[Leo, Raph, and Mikey laugh.]''
:'''Mikey''': Donnie, that is so you and April, dude!
:'''Donnie''': IT IS NOT! This show is lame, anyway. The plot makes zero sense! ''[heads into his lab]'' I'll be in the lab.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' ''[after a stealth attack from Leo]'' What was ''that''?
:'''Leo:''' THAT, was a stealth attack. ''[eats pizza]'' And that is what we're gonna be doing in today's training session.
:'''Mikey:''' No fair! I couldn't see you coming!
:'''Raph:''' That's why it's called 'stealth', genius.
:'''Donnie:''' Why would you eat a slice of pizza you found on the roof anyway?
:'''Mikey:''' Roof pizza is like one of my top ten favorite types of pizza.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In Donnie's lab, Donnie is working on a new voice box for Timothy while talking to him about April and Casey.]''
:'''Donnie''': Ridiculous! And they were swinging together! SWINGING! And then she looked at him. Can you believe it? She gave him ''that'' look, like this. [makes cute eyes, deadpans, and sighs] Why was she even with him?! Because he's human, that's why! BIG DEAL! You know how many people are human?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the dojo]''
:'''Splinter''': Today, I will teach you to enjoy falling down.
:'''Donnie''': Why would I ever- ''[gets tripped by Splinter]'' Whoa!
:'''Splinter''': Did you enjoy that?
:'''Donnie''': No!
:'''Splinter''': Then let's keep trying. ''[knocks Donnie down a couple more times]'' Do you like it yet?
:'''Donnie''': No, sensei! Not at all!
:'''Splinter''': Hmm. Then perhaps one cannot make someone like something.
:'''Donnie''': Of course not! No one wants to be... Oh, I get it. You're talking about me and April.
:'''Splinter''': My son, for someone so intelligent, the obvious often eludes you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''April:''' ''[faced with Mutagen Man]'' Donnie's monster?! Can't I go a MONTH without some mutant attacking me? ''[Casey gets in front of her]'' What are you doing?
: '''Casey:''' Whatever that thing is, it's pure evil, and completely cool looking!! I'll handle this, sweetheart.
: '''April:''' &quot;Sweetheart&quot;?

===Mikey Gets Shellacne===
:'''Mikey''': ''[screams]'' WHAT THE-?! I'M A MUTANT!!!
:'''Leo''': He's just realizing that now?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': I kinda... I sprinkled a little... ''[pulls out a vial of mutagen]'' mutagen on my skin.
:'''Mikey's brothers''': ''[shocked and furious]'' WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING?! WHY?!
:'''Mikey''': To become better! Cooler, you know? You guys treat me like a big goofball all the time! So I found this vial in Donnie's lab. The label says it'll make you super cool.
:'''Donnie''': ''[turns the vial around, showing that &quot;cool&quot; is actually &quot;cooled&quot;]'' No, it says you're supposed to keep it super cooled, as in TEMPERATURE! This was a reject-batch of retro-mutagen, Mikey! It's DANGEROUS!
:'''Mikey''': Well, you could've made it a little more clear! ''[Donnie turns the vial around to show many warning labels]'' Still not that clear.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Money is no object! ''[to Leo]'' Leo, can I borrow some cash?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Karai:''' Bradford, Xever. Enter.
:'''Dogpound:''' I detest this clumsy body. What I wouldn't give to be human again!
:'''Karai:''' Seriously, I don't have all night.
: '''Fishface:''' Don't get too comfortable, Karai. Shredder is the only one worthy of that throne.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dogpound put a mutation leash on Baxter Stockman]''
:'''Baxter''': Is this...''mutagen!''
:'''Dogpound''': I call it insurance. Double-cross us, and boom, we see what you turn into! Maybe some sort of bug.

===Target: April O'Neil===
:''[A hologram of Oroku Saki is seen]''
: '''Shredder:''' So, Daughter. You not only disobey my orders in my absence, your petty scheme failed miserably.
: '''Karai:''' It was those stupid Footbots! They couldn't keep up with the Turtles! But here's the good news- the Kraang have been upgrading them.
: '''Shredder:''' Hear me, Karai. You will not have anymore dealings with the Kraang until I return. Do not defy me again! The consequences would be...unfortunate. 
: '''Karai:''' Understood, Father.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': From what I could translate from the orb, it seems the Kraang are building some advanced heavy weaponry.
:'''Leo''': Any guess what it could be?
:'''Mikey''': ''[raises his hand]'' Ooh! Lasers disguised as burritos! Yes! It all makes sense now.
:'''Raph''': It DOES make sense... you have the brain of an AVOCADO!
:'''Leo''': Alright, guys, stay focused. We find the weapon and we destroy it, and then we get Mexican... pizza.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Splinter:''' It is very good to see you again, April.
: '''April:''' I missed you, Master Splinter. I hope we can start training again soon.
: '''Splinter:''' Of course. ''[bows down]'' Whenever you wish.
: '''April:''' ''[to the Turtles]'' I never got a chance to tell you guys that I'm sorry, for everything.
: '''Leo:''' You're sorry? But we were the ones that screwed up.
: '''April:''' It was an accident. And most importantly, you're my friends. I don't ever want to hold a grudge ever again.

===Slash and Destroy===
:'''Raphael:''' ''Why!?'' Why are you doing this!!?
:'''Slash:''' The others hold you back. Limit your potential. You don't need 'em. Just like you said!!
:''[Slash drags a badly hurt Mikey to the edge of a skyscraper]''
: '''Raphael:''' You're wrong! I never wanted this!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A dejected Raph looks at his photograph of Spike]''
:'''Raphael:''' He's still out there somewhere.
:'''Splinter:''' Raphael, do you know what I do when I miss my loved ones from the past?
:'''Raphael:''' No.
:'''Splinter:''' I focus on the friends I am surrounded in the present.

===The Good, the Bad and Casey Jones===
:'''Raph:''' What are you doing Leo!? I was goin' for Mikey!
:'''Leo:''' What part of &quot;last Turtle standing&quot; don't you understand!?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': How do you know these freaks?
:'''April:''' These are the other friends I told you about.
:'''Casey''': So they're NOT the bad guys? 
:'''April''': No way! ''[sighs]'' Casey Jones, meet Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo... 
:'''Mikey''': What up?  ''[gets smacked by Raph]''
:'''April''': ...and the one and only Raphael. 
:'''Casey:''' So the Turtles are all... Italian?
:'''Splinter:''' No. I named them after my favorite painters and sculptors of the [[w: Italian Renaissance|Italian Renaissance]]. 
:'''Casey:''' He's a giant, t-talking rat? ''[faints from shock]''
:'''April:''' Casey! Casey? This is Master Splinter, Casey. He's cool.
:'''Splinter:''' You do not have to fear me, my friend. Rest assured, I do not bite.

===The Kraang Conspiracy===
* April O'Neil's [[w:list of psychic abilities|psychic]] and [[w:extrasensory perception|extrasensory]] abilities, which were hinted in &quot;Monkey Brains&quot;, are fully proven.

&lt;hr width50%&gt;

:'''April:''' Saved by Raph? I'm never gonna live this down.
:'''Raph:''' We've all been there, April.
&lt;hr width50%&gt;
: '''Donnie:''' This...doesn't seem possible.
: '''April:''' What is it? What’s wrong?
: '''Donnie:''' Based on all the evidence I’ve clued from the lab, your cellular makeup is actually a morph-genetic blend of human and Kraang DNA.
: '''April:''' Wait. Are you saying...?
: '''Donnie:''' You're not entirely human, April. That's why you have [[w:List of psychic abilities |psychic]] [[w:extrasensory perception|powers]]. In fact, you are a half human, half alien-mutant.
: '''Leo, Raph and April:''' A mutant!?
: '''Mikey:''' Oh, yeah! Welcome to the family!
Leo: And don't let Mikey touch ANYTHING!!

===Fungus Humungous===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''April:''' You know, Casey, it's awesome there's someone else who knows about the Turtles. I have, like, no one talk to. Especially after Dad turned into a mutant-bat.
:'''Casey:''' I know. 4 mutant-turtles living a sewer with a talking rat? I mean, you couldn't make this stuff up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Splinter:''' Leonardo?
:'''Leo:''' ''[falls over in surprise]'' Sorry, Sensei. Can't seem to focus.
:'''Splinter:''' I noticed. What is it that troubles you, my son?
:'''Leo:''' I keep having the same nightmare, Sensei - every night! I let the team down. They're dragged off into darkness and I'm powerless to help.
:'''Splinter:''' This is not uncommon. All leaders must face the fear of losing their team. I face this every time you and your brothers' leave the lair.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Casey''': ''[runs into the lair, panting]'' Guys! April! Sewers! Hurry!
:'''Raph:''' Casey, what's wrong?
:'''Leo:''' Are the Foot bots back?
:'''Casey:''' W-we were on our way here, and next thing I know April starts acting freaked out, then runs off! She's gone!
:'''Donnie:''' Wait, wait… You just ''lost'' April!?
:'''Mikey:''' Relax! I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Like she was eaten by a giant sewer snake, or something.
:'''Donnie:''' Let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Leo:''' What is going on here?
:'''Donnie:''' Fungus!
:'''Mikey:''' Language, please! There's a lady present.
:'''Donnie:''' April and Raph have been exposed to toxins found in certain types of fungi. The mushroom must produce it as some kind of defense mechanism.
:'''Leo:''' Defense against what, being stir-fried?
:'''Raph:''' ''[hallucinating them as giant cockroaches]'' I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out, I'M FREAKING OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mikey:''' ''[stomping mushrooms]'' Check it out! [[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mikey Brothers]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Donnie:''' ''[coughing]'' April, we need to get out of here! Take my hand! (Paril?)
:'''Hallucination-April:''' Don't touch me! Get away from me! You make me sick, mutant... ''weirdo''!
:'''Donnie:''' April… what's wrong with you?
:'''Hallucination-April:''' You nerdy 3-fingered freak, I hate you! You mutated my father! '''I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!'''
:'''Donnie:''' She hates me. April hates me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Leo:''' Everybody's gone… It's my fault! I failed them! It's all my fault!
:'''Hallucination-Captain Ryan:''' ''[slaps Leo]'' It's your fault, Cadet Leonardo! You blew it! What kind of a leader are you? Are you a man, or a turtle or a 0?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Leo:''' Ugh… Where am I?
:'''Hallucination-Mikey:''' You let us down, bro!
:'''Hallucination-Donnie:''' You did this!
:'''Hallucination-Raph:''' It's your fault, Leo!
:'''Leo:''' NO! No! C'mon, fight your fear, Leo! Get your head straight… FIGHT IT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Raph:''' ''[sees Mikey]'' Mikey. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. What the heck's happening to us, man?! ''[Mikey says nothing]'' Uh, you okay? ''[Mikey's head pops off and out comes cockroaches]'' I'LL BURY YOU, COCKROACH!
:'''Mikey:''' KEEP AWAY FROM ME! STAY BACK! I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY BRAIN JUICE!
:'''April:''' STOP FOLLOWING ME, DAD!
:'''Donnie:''' NO, LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE!
:'''Hallucination-April:''' What's the matter, freak, scared?! Maybe I should put you out of your misery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Metalhead Rewired===
: '''Leonardo:''' Donnie, you gotta turn off his A.I.
: '''Donatello:''' Turn off his A.I.? That's like turning off his brain!
: '''Leonardo:''' He's too dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donatello:''' He has to keep it open for us.
: '''Leonardo:''' But what about him?
: '''Donatello:''' We don’t have a choice.

===Of Rats and Men===
: '''Michelangelo:''' Can we keep her?
: '''Donatello:''' You know, Master Splinter is a rat.
: '''Casey:''' Yeah. What if that cat goes nuts and attacks him? She'll feed of his body for months.
: '''Donatello:''' You know, there is something seriously wrong with you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' You think you have the upper hand in a situation. You do not.
:'''Mikey:''' Burn!
: '''Raphael:''' How's that floor taste, Lame-nardo?
: '''Splinter:''' It is not hard to sense loudmouths. 

===The Manhattan Project===

====Part 1 [2.13]====
:'''Leo:''' &quot;Karai, listen. There's something you should know. It's about your father! Your real father!! Your real name is Miwa!&quot;
:'''Karai:''' &quot;I'm not interested in anything but you begging for your life!!&quot;
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Master Splinter, I tried to tell Karai that you're her father. I thought that if she knew, she would come over to our side.
:'''Splinter:''' There is a saying: He who runs his mouth gets a face full of ''nintako''.
:'''Leo:''' They say that in Japan?
:'''Splinter:''' They would if you were there. Still, your heart is in the right place. Perhaps it is time she knew the truth.
:'''Leo:''' Maybe you should tell the other guys, sensei.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
: '''Splinter:''' This is difficult, but it is time you all knew the truth. The child I thought I had lost in the fire, Miwa is Karai - my daughter. Fury became flame, and flame darkened the world with smoke. And in that darkness, Shredder stole Miwa away. I thought she had perished, but she raised by Shredder as his daughter and trained as a deadly Foot assassin. 
: '''Don:''' Wait. This can't be.
: '''Raph:''' Some kind of joke, right, sensei?
: '''Mikey:''' Karai's our ''sister!?''
: '''Raph:''' Sensei, she's still our enemy. She was raised by Shredder.
: '''Don:''' Yeah. How can ever trust her?
:''[Picks up the black-and-white photograph of his former human self and Tang Shen, with the infant Miwa between them]''
: '''Splinter:''' There is good in her. I know this. But truth must be told, and it too will be an earthquake.
&lt;hr width80%&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Karai. Karai, don't do this. Splinter- He's your father. Your ''true'' father!&quot;
:'''Karai:''' ''&quot;Liar! You'd say anything to save him!!&quot;''
:'''Leo:''' &quot;No, I swear it!! He's your father- Hamato Yoshi.&quot;
:'''Karai:''' &quot;If you won't be silent, I'll silence you.&quot;

====Part 2 [2.14]====
:'''Fishface:''' Nice work, Tiger Claw. You finally captured the great Splinter.
:'''Razar:''' So is the poison going to finish him or not?
:'''Tiger Claw:''' Most men would have expired, but it's only weakened him. He may be small, but he's tough as iron.
:''[Oroku Saki appears with Karai at his side]''
:'''Shredder:''' Bradford, Xever, leave us. Hamato Yoshi, so you have come to this- a wretched rat man waiting to be put out of his misery.
:'''Splinter:''' At least I do not wear a mask, hiding what little humanity I have left.
:'''Shredder:''' It is because of you that I wear this mask!
:'''Splinter:''' All these years, you continue to deceive yourself and everyone around you.
:'''Shredder:''' You fool!! Now it ends!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' No, Father!!
:'''Shredder:''' ''You'' would stop ''me!!?''&quot;
:'''Karai:''' You'd kill your greatest enemy while he's poisoned and chained? What about honor? Everything you taught me?
:'''Tiger Claw:''' The girl is right, Master Shredder.
:'''Shredder:''' Very well. Gather the Foot. I will offer Hamato Yoshi one last fight.

===Mazes and Mutants===
: '''Splinter:''' A game? Don't you have mutagen to find?
: '''Donnie:''' Sensei, we've beaten the Kraang and Shredder's top henchman. We could use one day to relax.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Leo:''' If we imagine our weapons are magical and all-powerful, we can defeat Leatherhead.
:'''Mikey:''' Yes! That's the answer!
:'''Raph:''' But that makes no sense!
:'''Leo:''' Trust me. Believe! Focus! Use your imagination.

===The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman===
:'''Donnie:''' I'm sorry, Sensei. This is all the retro-mutagen I have left.
:'''Splinter:''' I may not be human, but I am fortunate enough to have my humanity. Save Kirby.
:[''As Donnie leaves, he looks down at the black-and-white picture of his original human self and his late wife, Tang Shen, with their infant daughter [[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Miwa]] between them.'']
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey''': Stockman-Fly is Turflytle's ultimate superhero enemy, buzz buzz. But if he's out there, buzz buzz, I'll find him, buzz bu-
:'''Raph''': Enough with the buzz buzz!
:'''Mikey''': ''[looks down]'' Okay.
:'''Raph''': Don't. ''[Mikey smirks at him]'' Don't.
:'''Mikey''': ''[puts his Turflytle antennas on Raph's head]'' Buzz buzz, dog! ''[runs off]''
:'''Raph''': ''[aggravated]'' AAAAAAH! ''[chases Mikey]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donnie:''' I'm sorry, Master Splinter. I wanted to change you back. But I swear, if it's the last thing I do...
: '''Splinter:''' Do not fret, my son. I am content with what I have become. I have no place in the human world anymore. This is my home, and you four are my family.

===Newtralized!===
: ''[Leo and Mikey glare]''
: '''Raphael:''' What!? If he wants to act like a big baby, I don't want his help!
: '''Michelangelo:''' Not cool, Raph. People have feelings, dude. Real squishy feelings.
: '''Raphael:''' Well, I'm not people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Newtralizer:''' We can destroy this whole stinkin' city.
: '''Slash:''' And every innocent human with it. Are you crazy!? I'm here to take out Kraang! Not people!
: '''Neutralizer:''' I don't care! I'm not people.
: '''Michelangelo:''' Hmm. Sounds oddly familiar.

===Pizza Face===
:'''Donnie''': I've been trying to reach April for hours! Hope nothing's wrong.
: '''Mikey:''' Something definitely is wrong, bro! There isn't a single pizza place in town that's pickin' up!
:''[His brothers groan]''
:'''Donnie''': I'm serious, Mikey!
:'''Mikey''': You think I'd joke about the pizza? You know me a little better than that, Donnie, to joke about the pizza!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raph:''' Just go wait for the pizza guy, Mikey! And don't eat it!
:'''Mikey''': Fine! I'm going! ''[walks away]''
:'''Raph''': I repeat: ''DO! NOT! EAT IT!!''

===The Wrath of Tiger Claw===
:'''Karai:''' All my life I was raised to believe Shredder was my father, that Splinter was the enemy. So when Leo told me Splinter was my true father, I couldn't accept it. But then I began to have doubts about Shredder's honor.
:'''April:''' Doubts about the evil villain of the Foot clan?
:'''Karai:''' He's trying to use me to set a trap for the Turtles. But I can't. Even if it means betraying Shredder.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Splinter:''' I retained very little from my old life. But this I will never let go, my daughter. 
:''[Karai is shocked to see the full picture of her late mother's arm around [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]], and the black-and-white one of herself as an infant between a human Splinter and Tang Shen]''
: '''Karai:''' I can't believe it. You're telling the truth. All these years the Shredder has been lying to me.
: '''Leonardo:''' Wait. You don't believe it? I thought you did believe it. If you didn't believe it, why did you come down here?
: '''Karai:''' Father, what have I done?

===The Legend of the Kuro Kabuto===
: '''Leonardo:''' How can you guys fool around like this when Karai needs our help?
: '''Raph:''' Not this again.
: '''Leo:''' We have to rescue her.
: '''Raph:''' Look, maybe she believes Splinter is her father. But she was still raised by Shredder. You think she's gonna turn on him just like that?
: '''Leo:''' Yeah, I do. Now am I the leader of this team or not?
: '''Raph:''' More or less.
: '''Leo:''' More or less? So I'm only the leader until I tell you to do something you don't want to? Thanks, guys.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shredder:''' Why does the fly walk into the spider's web?
:'''Leo:''' Because all the spider's henchmen are out.
: '''Shredder''': Ah. You wish to make a trade?
: '''Leo:''' The helmet for Karai!
: '''Shredder:''' Very well. She'll have to be brought up from the dungeon.
: '''Leo:''' You raised her from infancy and now you lock her in a cell? How can you do that?
: '''Shredder:''' In any conflict, the winner is prepared to do what the loser is not.

===Plan 10===
:'''Mikey:''' Wait a minute. How do we know it's the real Raph? What's the secret password?
:'''Raph:''' ''I will pound you, Mikey!''

===Vengeance is Mine!===
: '''Splinter:''' Not what you expected?
: '''Karai:''' I admit it's a little weird being with...people I was told were my enemies. What really happened between you and Shredder and my mother?
: '''Splinter:''' I'm afraid it goes much deeper than our rivalry over your mother. The bitter feud between the Hamato and Foot clans lasted centuries. Oroku Saki was the son of the enemy. But he was just a child, so my father gave him shelter. We were raised as brothers, and rivals in all things as brothers are. But that rivalry soon turned bitter when we met [[w:Tang Shen|Tang Shen]]- your mother. Jealousy became hatred when Saki learned of his true heritage. He swore vengeance and rebuilt the Foot clan. One night, Oroku Saki struck. The blow that was meant for me struck your mother instead. Shredder blamed me and in his rage, he burned our home to the ground, leaving me to my fate. He took you away from me.
: '''Karai''' (''silently seething'')''':''' After all this time haven't you wanted revenge?
: '''Splinter:''' After all this time, I have learned that revenge only leads to more pain.
: '''Karai:''' But I seen you fight, Father. You could take him out.
: '''Splinter:''' We are safe here. And we are finally together again, my daughter. That is all that matters now. Not revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' Going after Shredder alone is a bad idea.
: '''Karai:''' Don't try to stop me, Leo.
: '''Leo:''' I want to go with you.
: '''Karai:''' What?
: '''Leo:''' You're right. Shredder will never stop hunting us. The only way for us to be safe is to take him down.
: '''Karai:''' So much of my life has been about revenge. I can't ask you to risk your life, too.
: '''Leo:''' Let me help. 
: (''Karai leans closer as if she's going to kiss him. He looks a little shocked and nervously looks around'')
: '''Karai:''' Sorry, Leo. 
: (''she punches him, then knocks him out with some blinding powder. Leo coughs as his eyes remain open as he falls. Karai quickly heads to the surface)'' 
: '''Karai:''' This ends tonight!!

===A Chinatown Ghost Story===
: '''Ho Chan''' (''to April'')''':''' You have [[w:list of superhuman abilities and features in fiction|great power]] in you, power you have barely tapped. It will belong to Ho Chan. 
:(''Turns to Irma'') And you. You have power, too. Power I do not understand...yet. You will explain this power or suffer my-What!? 
:(''April uses her Tessen fan'')
: '''April:''' Come on, Irma!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ho Chan:''' It is said that the Great Turtle helped the god create the world. Fitting that these turtles should help Ho Chan rule it.

===Into Dimension X!===
:'''Leatherhead:''' Turtles, the Kraang have perfected the mutagen.

===The Invasion===

====Part 1 [2.25]====

:'''Shredder:''' Kraang Prime.
:'''Kraang Prime:''' One called Shredder. Kraang must have your decision.
: '''Shredder:''' If I help you will you uphold your end of the bargain?
: '''Kraang Prime:''' Kraang will deliver the ones known as Splinter and the Turtles.
: '''Shredder:''' And once I find Karai, you will mutate her back to normal?
: '''Kraang Prime:''' Kraang agrees to this. But in return, Shredder must help Kraang conquer the city known as New York City and then ''the world!''

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

: '''April:''' I'm gonna fix this! I'm gonna find your brothers and Casey.
: '''Kirby O'Neil:''' You can't go out there, April! You have to stay with me. I'm scared.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Raph:''' &quot;Sensei, you in here?&quot;
:'''April:''' &quot;He's not here. I don't sense him.&quot;

&lt;hr width80%&gt;


====Part 2 [2.26]====
:'''Raph:''' We gotta move. Kraang Prime is stomping this way.
:'''Mikey:''' Raph!
:'''Raph:''' Awe. I missed you, too, little brother.
:'''April:''' Casey! I was scared I'd lost you forever.
:'''Casey:''' No worries, Red. Your man is here.
:'''Donnie:''' Not to break this up, but Leo is still out there.
:'''Raph:''' What!?
:'''Mikey:''' Long story, Bro. Basically-
:(''A gravely wounded Leo falls in through the living room window'')
:'''Raph:''' Leo!!
:'''April:''' Oh, Leo.
:'''Raph:''' He's still breathing.
:'''Mikey:''' Dude, his shell is cracked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie:''' I'm sorry, Leo. You were right. If we just left the city when you said, the Kraang would never have found the lair and started the invasion. None of this would've happened.
: '''April:''' I have a place we can go upstate- My old family home. We can stay as long as we want. No one's around for miles.
: '''Casey:''' Upstate, huh? Sounds good to Casey Jones.
: '''April:''' Did you find your dad and little sister?
: '''Casey:''' No sigh of 'em. They probably got Kraang-atized.
:'''Mikey:''' What's gonna happen now, Raph?
:'''Raph:''' For the first time in my life, I have no idea, little brother.
:'''Mikey:''' I miss Master Splinter.

==Characters==
===Main===
*Leonardo / Leo 
*Raphael / Raph
*Donatello / Donnie
*Michelangelo / Mikey
*Hamato Yoshi/Splinter
*April O'Neil
*Casey Jones (debut)

===Recurring===
*Oroku Saki/Shredder
*Hamato Miwa/Karai (11 Episodes)
*Fishface
*Dogpound/Razar
*Baxter Stockman/Stockman Fly
*Tiger Claw (debut; 7 Episodes)

===Supporting===
*Slash (debut; 2 Episodes)
*Tang Shen (photographs/flashbacks; 8 Episodes)
*Dr. Kirby O'Neil (7 Episodes)
*Mrs. O'Neil (photograph; &quot;The Kraang Conspiracy&quot;)
*Timothy/the Pulverizer (&quot;Mutagen Man Unleashed&quot;)
*Dr. Falco/the Rat King (&quot;Of Rats and Men&quot;)
*Ivan Steranko
*Anton Zeck

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series, season 2)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series) seasons|2]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>c6v6kw6e4nrbp478h8m6w38jp1gkk86</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>194160</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150439</id>
      <parentid>3150037</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:03:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>209.141.185.100</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Riddle of the Ancient Aeons */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="34365" xml:space="preserve">'''Seasons:''' [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 1)|1]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 2)|2]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|3]] / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 4)|4]]  / [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)|5: Tales of the TMNT]] | [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Main]]

------------------------------------

The following is a list of quotes from the first fourteen episodes of the fourth season (referred to as the ''Space'' saga) of the 2012 series ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''.

&lt;center&gt;'''The evil Triceratons have invaded Earth. They brought with them, the invincible Black Hole Generator that swallowed the ''entire'' planet! My brothers and I escaped, saved by a mysterious robot called the Fugitoid. Now we're trying to stop the Triceratons any ''way'' we can!'''&lt;br /&gt;(From &quot;Beyond the Known Universe&quot; to &quot;Earth's Last Stand&quot;.)

:'''&amp;nbsp; {{small|Leonardo narrating about the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 3)|season 3]] finale.}}'''&lt;/center&gt;

==Episodes 79–104==
===Beyond the Known Universe===
: '''Casey:''' So, why do you care, alien robot dude? Why are you helping us?
: '''Raphael:''' Yeah! Who are you anyway!?
: '''Fugitoid:''' My name is Professor Zayton Honeycutt. I'm a friend of the Utroms. It was Bishop who sent me. and plus I've always wanted to see Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donatello:''' Fugitoid, start the ship!! ''Start the ship!!''
: '''Fugitoid:''' Oh, I can't believe you managed to tick off the most dangerous criminal the universe!

===The Moons of Thalos 3===
: '''Raphael:''' So, um, Casey. You think, like a turtle can date a newt?
: '''Casey:''' What!!? ''[Laughs]''
: '''Michelangelo:''' Dude, you really got a crush on that salamander hottie? She's probably faster, stronger and a better fighter than you.
: '''Raphael:''' Exactly. What a woman.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''April:''' Um, where's Raph?
: '''Leonardo:''' Oh no. I bet he went to talk to his girlfriend.

===The Weird World of Wyrm===
: '''April:''' I don't need to be psychic to get a bad feeling about this place.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey:''' I wish...we never found that stupid cube in the first place!!
:'''Wrym:''' What!!? You can't!! If you wish that, then none of this ever happened!!
:'''Casey:''' You said you'd grant me a wish!!

===The Outlaw Armaggon!===
: '''Fugitoid:''' Okay, April. In which of the spheres have I placed your Tessen?
: '''April:''' That one.
: '''Fugitoid:''' Ding, ding! Excellent. Your psychic abilities are marvels waiting to be unlocked.
: '''April:''' Thanks, Professor. How do you know so much about the human brain?
: '''Fugitoid:''' Since it's the only part of my original body left, I have extensive knowledge on brain stimulation. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donatello''': April, you gotta reach Fugitoid. 
: '''April:''' Let me see what I can do. ''[Utilizes her telepathic abilities to enter Fugitoid's subconscious mind via emitting a yellowish psionic wave]'' Professor Honeycutt, it's me- April- your friend! You have to fight Overmind.
: '''Overmind:''' You will not take control.
: '''April:''' You are Professor Zayton Honeycutt! You are a D-Hoonibian.
:''[Finally manages to reach Fugitoid's consciousness psionically]''
: '''Fugitoid:''' Yes. I am ''Professor Honeycutt!'' I am back!

===Riddle of the Ancient Aeons===
:'''April:''' That world- it's radiating a strange power, like pure evil. We're flying into danger, Professor.
:'''Fugitoid:''' Evil? Nonsense. This is Xaava-Dal, the most beautiful planet in the known cosmos. It is gorgeous down there.
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie''': This energy is really screwing up my readings.
:'''Casey''': ''[shoves past Donnie]'' So fix it, genius! I thought you were supposed to be the smart one!
:'''Donnie''': That's right, I am. Which clearly makes you the STUPID one!
:'''Mikey''': Ha! That definitely makes Raph the angry one!
:'''Raph''': I'm clearly the handsome one. Here, check it out. I got something for you. ''[holds out his fist; Mikey hits Raph's fist with his own, only for him to smack his helmet]'' Ha! You're the gullible one!
:'''Mikey''': ''[shoves Raph]'' I'm tired of you picking on me! Ever since we were little, you've been giving me shell wedgies, wet willies, and reptile rug burns, and-
:'''Leo''': Mikey! Raph! Enough! We're on a serious mission here! So stop it!
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Casey''': ''[groans]'' We've been walking for miles, Donnie! That scanner's as useless as that gap in your teeth!
:'''Donnie''': Oh, let's not go back there, Casey. You know my gap is way more awesome than your gap.
:'''Casey''': My gap is way bigger than yours. You got a baby gap.
:''[Both growl at each other. Mikey gets between them.]''
:'''Mikey''': Will you two cut it out?! You're more annoying than Raph!
:'''Raph''': ''[furious]'' That's it!
:''[Raph tackles Mikey to the ground. Casey hits Donnie with his hockey stick and jumps onto his shell. Leo grabs Raph to get him off Mikey.]''
:'''Leo''': Get off of him!
:''[Raph gets out of Leo’s grip and dodges Mikey’s punch, causing Mikey to hit Leo instead. April runs over to Donnie and Casey to stop their fighting.]''
:'''April''': What are you doing?! Professor, a little help?!
:''[Donnie, Raph, Mikey and Casey continue fighting. Fugitoid shoots lasers at them, making them stop.]''
:'''Fugitoid''': You must all stop! ''[holds up his hand]'' Don't make me smack you! See this? This is my smacking hand! I'll use it!
:'''Mikey''': He's right, guys. What the heck is wrong with us?
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''April:''' What is it, Professor?
: '''Fugitoid:''' It's the Sol Star, the symbol of the Aeons, containing the power of life itself.
: '''April:''' So it was hidden away and the world turned evil. I get it now. &quot;When the Sol Star reaches the mountain's peak, the light of the Aeons shall illuminate all.&quot;
: '''Raphael:''' Great. So what does that mean?
: '''April:''' It means we put it where it belongs.
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Male Aeons:''' Thank you. You saved us from ourselves.
: '''April:''' Yourselves?
: '''Michelangelo:''' The demons were the Aeons all along?
: '''Male Aeons:''' The Utrom entrusted us with the first fragment of the Black-Hole Generator for safekeeping. We Aeons had never allowed technology on our world before. Entranced by its immense power, we desired to know its secrets and hid away our beloved Sol Star, thus corrupting our world and us with it. Thank you, friends, for saving our world. 
:''[Breaks off a piece of the mystical Sol Star and hands it to April]'' 
: '''Aeons:''' Take this. It is a tiny fragment of our Sol Star. It will bring you both luck and power.
: '''April:''' It's beautiful.    
: '''Casey:''' Goodbye, glow-y dudes.
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph:''' The Utrom made a big mistake when they trusted the fragment with those guys.
:'''Donnie:''' Yeah. If ancient cosmic beings could be transformed like that, I guess that goes to show anyone can be corrupted by power.
&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Don't get me started on the leader thing, Raph! You've always been jealous of me!
:''' Raph:''' Jealous?! Maybe that's because you were always Splinter's favorite!
:''[Leo embraces Raph, much to his surprise]''
: '''Leo:''' Raph, I love you, brother.
:'''Raph''': ''[calms down; guilty] Leo, I'm sorry.

=== Journey to the Center of Mikey's Mind ===
: '''Fugitoid:''' I have a plan to save your brother, but it's going to require a little psychic help.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raphael:''' Uh, I don't know about this, Professor.
: '''Fugitoid:''' Well, the theory is sound. April will psychically project you into Michelangelo's mind.
: '''Donatello:''' Trying to navigate Mikey's mind is like trying to watch every TV channel at once.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': Ho...
:'''Raph''': ...ly...
:'''Donnie''': Chalupa!

===The Arena of Carnage===
:''[Drawing more strength from her mystical Sol Star necklace, April succeeds in using her newly developed telekinetic abilities to open the sealed door with relative ease]''
: '''Casey:''' When did you learn to do that?
: '''April:''' The Professor's training. The crystal fragment I got from the Aeons helps me focus [[w: psionic |my powers]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''April:''' Hold your breath, guys! ''[Uses her acquired extraordinarily strong psionic abilities to call forth the Fugitoid's spacecraft]''

===The War for Dimension X===
: '''Donatello:''' We managed to find the first one, but we need the others.
: '''Queen:''' You ''found'' one of the pieces!?
: '''Rook:''' No one should have such power. We Utroms took pains to hide the pieces in the safest parts of the galaxy.
: '''Leonardo:''' ''Safest!?'' The first piece corrupted the entire race of Aeons!
: '''Bishop:''' What!!?
: '''Queen:''' Impossible!
: '''Rook:''' No way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Leonardo:''' I totally go for mutants, like Karai, but alien lizards?
: '''Donatello:''' Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Leo.

===The Cosmic Ocean===
: '''Hidrala:''' Who enters the realm seeking audience with Hidrala, supreme ruler of the Daagon?
: '''Leonardo:''' Uh, greetings, Supreme Ruler. My name is Leonardo and these are my companions.
: '''Michelangelo:''' What up? ''[Raphael hits him]''
: '''Fugitoid:''' We come bearing the sigil of the Utrom. We seek the fragment of the Back-Hole Generator that you have in your possession.
: '''Hidrala:''' You may rise.
: '''April:''' Thank you, Your Majesty. 
: '''Hidrala:''' The Utrom entrusted the fragment to me, giving Hidrala ultimate say over it. Are you truly worthy to claim a device of such devastating power? Who among you is leader? ''[Leonardo steps forward]'' You? You are a mere child. How are you worthy?
: '''Leonardo''': We may be young, but we have fought huge battles, saved whole planets! And on top of everything else, we saw the destruction of our world.
: '''Donatello:''' We've been given a second chance to save Earth. We're gonna destroy the Black-Hole Generator.
: '''Hidrala:''' Ha! It cannot be destroyed. Why do you think it was hidden away?
: '''Leonardo:''' If you keep it, the Triceratons will find it. They'll tear your kingdom apart to get it.
: '''Hidrala:''' If you desire the fragment, you must face Cthuga, an ancient beast that obeys only me. If you are indeed worthy, it will sense this and let you take it freely. If you are not, it will devour you whole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Hidrala:''' How are you, Leonardo?
: '''Leonardo:''' A little shell-shocked, but I'm okay. Are you hurt, ma'am?
: '''Hidrala:''' I am unharmed, thanks to you. You all fought to protect our kingdom. For that you have our deepest gratitude. Especially mine. Leonardo, your actions validate the truth of your words. The second fragment of the Black-Hole Generator is yours.
: '''Leonardo:''' Supreme ruler, I don't understand.
: '''Hidrala:''' The guardian was only a test. I have kept the second fragment hidden in the palace vaults ever since the Utrom entrusted us with its safety. Now, I entrust it to you. If you claim you can destroy this infernal machine, then the Daagon honor you.
: '''Leonardo:''' Thank you, supreme ruler.

===Trans-Dimensional Turtles===
:'''Raph:''' The world is flat, I can't even see my own butt! Donnie, explanation!?
:'''Donnie:''' We're possibly in some kind of... alternate dimension.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''1987 Raphael:''' ''[points to 2012 Donnie]'' And you, Gappy, why do you sound so weird?
:'''2012 Donnie:''' Me, sound weird?! Heard yourself lately?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''1987 Leonardo''': Turtle Power!
:'''2012 Leo''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up with the Turtle Power for a second. You don’t give orders to my team, okay? I’m the order guy! This guy!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''2012 Raph''': ''[in sign language; to the 1987 Turtles]'' Would you fine gentlemen kindly wait here a moment, and please remain quiet, or I will strike you repeatedly in the face and bodily regions.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Splinter:''' Back so soon? You just left to patrol the city.
:'''Turtles:''' Sensei! ''[hug Splinter]''
:'''Splinter:''' Is everything all right?
:'''Leo:''' Definitely, Master Splinter. It's just so amazing to see you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===Revenge of the Triceratons===
:'''Fugitoid:''' You're quite...gifted. But you grew up on Earth, so naturally you're three thousand years behind in trans-dimensional physics.
:'''Donnie:''' ''Three thousand years!?'' I'm a galactic idiot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fugitoid:''' Donatello, you should be very proud of yourself. You used my spare parts in ways I never would have thought of, and between you and me, I'd say it would take you 2,000 years to master trans-dimensional physics.

===The Evil of Dregg===
: '''Mona Lisa:''' You promised you would not attack Salamandria if we brought... the Turtles.
: '''Dregg:''' Well, you brought them, and I released your commander. But, no planetary invasion? I don't think so!
: '''Mona Lisa:''' You fiend!! What have we done!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Mona Lisa:''' Turtles, go! Get to your ship!
: '''Sal Commander:''' We’ll hold them off! Rokka Rokka!
: '''Donnie:''' Are you crazy?! What about your planet? Your people?
: '''Mona Lisa:''' Go! Save your world! And Raphael, I will always love you! Rokka Rokka!
: '''Raph:''' You loves me? Huh, she loves me!
: '''Mikey:''' Uh oh! I know that look!

===The Ever-Burning Fire===
: '''Fugitoid:''' The planet itself is Magdomar, which translates as &quot;planet of ever-burning fire.&quot;
: '''Mikey:''' Couldn't we at least once go the planet of comfy pillows and endless free pizza?

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Raph:''' I need some [[w:psychokinesis|telekinesis]].
:''[April telekinetically throws Dregg's own missile back at him]''
:'''April:''' Back at ya, Dregg!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Raphael:''' But what about Tokka? She was just trying to protect the fragment and Chompy.
: '''Michelangelo:''' Then who's this hitching a ride on your shell?

===Earth's Last Stand===
: '''Raphael:''' How are we gonna take down the black-hole generator if its invulnerable to everything?
: '''Fugitoid:''' There is a way, but the entire Heart of Darkness must be destroyed. Not a single piece must remain.
: '''April:''' What's wrong, Professor? I can sense you wanna tell us something.
: '''Fugitoid:''' My friends, I must confess something to you. Something I couldn't reveal until you got to know we better as a humanoid, uh, android.
: '''Casey:''' What are you talking about, Fugi-dude?
: '''Fugitoid:''' You see, it was not the Kraang who invented the Black-Hole generator. It was...I who created it.
: '''Raph, Mikey, Casey, and April:''' ''What!?''
: '''Leonardo:''' It can’t be!
: '''Donatello:''' No way!
: '''Michelangelo:''' It doesn't make sense!
: '''Fugitoid:''' I originally developed the black-hole generator as an energy source. But when Kraang Sub-Prime offered a huge price to but it, I gave in. I was greedy. I didn't care what they wanted to use it for. It was all about money, all about funding my research. Then I realized what a terrible mistake I made. I mean, come on! They're the Kraang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donatello:''' I get it now. He said the only way to destroy the Black-hole generator is a combination of fusion and dark matter.
: '''Casey:''' Which means?
: '''Donatello:''' The ship runs on dark matter and the Fugitoid is powered by a fusion core.
: '''Leonardo:''' That's why he wanted us off the ship. He didn't want to steal it. He's...sacrificing himself.
: '''Michelangelo:''' NO! Fugitoid, don't do it!!
: '''Fugitoid:''' It has to be this way, my friends. If you had known my intent, you would have tried to stop me. And for that, I thank you. Let it be known, that you are my friends. And I love you all.

===City at War===
:'''Shinigami:''' Karai, I bring you the red-haired girl's tanto blade.
:'''Karai:''' So, Splinter finally made April a ''kunoichi,'' eh? Kind of a shock.
:'''Shinigami:''' Yes. She seems so frail and clumsy when you first look at her, like a silly red bird.
:''[April barges in]''
:'''April:''' Well, this ''kunoichi'' tracked your butt down, Karai! What are you doing anyway!!?
:'''Karai:''' None of your business! Just go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo:''' We'd like to know what's going on here, too.
: '''Karai:''' Leo, calm down! The brain-worm that was controlling me is gone. I'm not your enemy.
: '''Raph:''' Oh? So then why did your crazy friend attack us!?
: '''Karai:''' It was only a test to see her skills. Shinigami's an old friend from Japan. She was never gonna hurt you.
: '''Shinigami:''' At least not permanently. 
: '''April''': ''[draws strength from her mystical Sol Star necklace]'' She's telling the truth. That brain-worm thing is gone. They're not after us. They're after...
: '''Donnie:''' Shredder.
: '''Raph:''' So, what's up with the head gear, Princess? Daddy issues?
: '''Karai:''' I want to rebuild the Foot. Bring back honor to a clan that Shredder poisoned for almost two decades. And when I finish, I'll destroy Oroku Saki and his empire, once and for all.
: '''Mikey:''' Life isn't about revenge, sis. Come back to the lair with us. Master Splinter would love to see you.
: '''Karai:''' No. I have to carve out my own destiny.
: '''Donatello:''' Fine. We're leaving.
: '''April:''' First, I want my tanto back. Now!!
: '''Karai:''' If you want it back, take it from her. I mean, shouldn't be hard for a ''kunoichi'', right?
: '''April:''' Fine by me. I wanted a rematch anyway.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fishface:''' Is she still one of us, Tiger Claw?
:'''Tiger Claw:''' No. The brain-worm is gone.
:'''Fishface:''' The martial arts store? What, is she shopping for nunchucks?
:'''Razhar:''' It's a front. We store a lot of illegal weapons in the back.
:'''Tiger Claw:''' She's here to raid us. The little cub has claws.

===Broken Foot===
: '''Leo:''' Miss me?
: '''Karai:''' You always have to make a dramatic entrance.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Shinigami:''' Look at it all!
: '''Leo:''' There's millions here.
: '''Karai:''' Shredder should have kept it somewhere a little more safe.
: '''Shinigami:''' So what are going to do with it? Do you know  how much cool stuff we can buy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Karai:''' I'm sorry, Father. I'm glad Donatello's alright.
: '''Splinter:''' Now you see the kind of pain and suffering revenge causes.
: '''Karai:''' I know. I thought I could end this by going after his operations. But it's too much of a risk to go after petty targets, just to spite him. I promise, I will no longer go after Shredder's operations. I'll go after Shredder himself.

===The Insecta Trifecta===
: '''Shredder:''' It's taking too long, Stockman. I grow severely impatient.
: '''Stockman-Fly:''' Sir, normal [[w:mutagen|mutagen]] is unstable and can warp your mind. With this new mutagen serum, I can control the outcome but it will take time.
: '''Shredder:''' Time is what I do not have. Every moment that passes, I lose more control over this city. My henchman have grown useless. Eh. It is ironic that my most loyal servant is nothing but a lowly housefly. After everything I must completely rely on you, Stockman.
: '''Stockman-Fly:''' Thank you, Master. I will not let you down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donnie:''' Well, we're not gonna find 'em by G.P.S.
:'''April:''' There's another way to track them.
:'''Donnie:''' A [[w:Telepathy|telepathic]] scan?
:'''April:''' Tracking mutants is way easier than tracking humans. I been practicing with my Aeon Crystal.
:''[Her eyes glow white as she puts her finger to her left temple, focusing her growing psionic abilities]''

===Mutant Gangland===
: '''Raph:''' I'm tired of training with kid gloves. No one's pulling punches out there. Why should we do it in here? (Pushes Leo away)
: '''Leo:''' Raph!
: '''Splinter:''' Teishi, because you are brothers and your goal here is to train.
: '''Raph:''' (groans) Sensei, why do you always stick up for Leo? I'm the only one who takes training seriously. The rest of 'em are just goofing off all the time.
: ''' (Raph throws a ninja star at Donnie's juice container)
: '''Donnie:''' (mimics) &quot;No one appreciates me.&quot; Back on the &quot;Everyone loves Leo&quot; routine? Get some new material, you big baby.
: '''Mikey:''' (Laughs)
: '''Raph''' That's it! If you guys don't want to take this as seriously as I do, then I quit! I'm done! Through! Adios!
: '''(Raph storms out of the lair)
: '''Leo:''' How many times has he quit the team now?
: '''Donnie:''' Twenty-seven times.
: '''Splinter:''' You have a brilliant mind, Donatello. Yet you see a fire and try to put it out with gasoline. You are growing up, my sons, and you must become more mature. One day I will not be around to remind you of your ''fobou''.
: '''Michelangelo:''' Is ''fobou'' that dangly thing that hangs at the back of my throat?
: '''Donatello:''' ''Fobou'' means &quot;weakness of character,&quot; shell brain!
: '''Leonardo:''' Master, you've made it through the worst of the worst. And we're never gonna let-
: '''Splinter:''' Everything isn't permanent, Leonardo. You cannot expect anything to last forever, even...family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Donnie:''' Hey, where's Pigeon Pete?
: '''Slash:''' We don't talk about Pigeon Pete. 
: '''Leo:''' So what brings the mighty Mutanimals?
:'''Slash:''' We need your help, Turtles.
: '''Rockwell:''' We just learned that the Feluchi twins have been engineering mutant-hunting weapons. I telepathically discovered that Don Visioso wants to take control of the city now that Shredder has vanished. And that the only thing standing between him and his true goals...
: '''Leo:''' Is us.

===Bat in the Belfry===
: '''April:''' I've been having headaches and nightmares about space and other galaxies.
: '''Donnie:''' I don't see anything physically wrong with you, April. You're probably just adjusting to life back on Earth.
: '''Mikey:''' I don't know, Donnie. My seventh sense tell it's not that. It's that freaky crystal she never takes off!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donatello:''' April when we get back to the lair I think I should do more tests on that crystal.
:'''April:''' No, Donnie.
:'''Donnie''': ''[becoming concerned]'' April, are you alright?
:'''April:''' It's ''my'' crystal. I'm never gonna take it off for anything or anyone- Ever again!

===The Super Shredder===
:''[Shock upon seeing Oroku Saki's mutated form]''
:'''Karai:''' You...you've become everything you loathe, everything you hate-a mutant!
:'''Super Shredder:''' My daughter, please. I did this for you. To destroy our enemy,the monster who took [[w:Tang Shen|your mother]]'s life: [[w:Hamato Yoshi|Hamato Yoshi]].
:'''Karai:''' ''You're insane!'' ''You'' are the monster!! You lie to yourself so much, you've come to believe an entire ''dream!!''
:'''Super Shredder:''' Silence!! I was there! I saw what happened! The night he took your mother's life! I saw it. I...
:'''Shinigami:''' Let's take this crazy ''akuma'' down!
:'''Karai:''' Foot clan, attack!
:'''Super Shredder:''' No!! They are mine!
:'''Shinigami:''' I'll destroy you, monster!! For everything you have done to Karai!! 
:(''Attacks but is overpowered and knocked unconscious. A furious Karai attacks in her full snake form'')
:'''Super Shredder''' I will let your friend go as a gesture of my love! But if you struggle, I will hunt her down and crush her into pulp! ''Understood!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karai:''' Father! It's a trap!!
:'''Splinter:''' I will not leave you!
:'''Karai:''' Behind you!
:'''Splinter''': ''[in shock]'' Saki? What have you done?
:'''Super Shredder:''' I have molded myself into perfection, rat man! Look upon me and know fear!
:'''Splinter:''' You must be proud. You are finally a monster both inside and out.
:'''Super Shredder:''' I want to see you fall, then finally your brainwashing will disappear! And she will remember that it was ''I'' who raised her! ''It was ''I'' who made her who she is!! I sacrificed everything for her, out of absolute love!!''
:'''Karai:''' Father is right! Your transformation into a monster is complete!

===Darkest Plight===
:'''Leo:''' He...He has to be alive, right?
:'''April:''' I...I don't [[w: telepathy|sense]] him at all. Maybe...maybe he's unconscious.
:'''Donnie:''' That drop is at least a thousand feet down. Even he couldn't survive a fall like that.
:'''Raph:''' So...what do we do!?
:'''Karai:''' We take them all down! For Splinter!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Casey:''' Everyone can relax. Casey Jones is here. So what's up? Why'd I get 127 emergency texts? The pizza delivery guy disappear?
: '''April:''' No. Splinter disappeared. He fell down that huge chasm in the Undercity.
: '''Casey:''' Whoa. That's deep, yo.
: '''April:''' I definitely lost my [[w:Extrasensory perception|mental connection]] with Splinter. But that doesn't mean he's gone. We can't give up hope.
:'''Leo:''' We're going back there! We'll find Sensei, no matter who gets in our way!

===The Power Inside Her===
: '''Leonardo:''' Are you sure this is a good idea, Donnie?
: '''April:''' Yeah. Last time you hooked me up to this thing, it made me blind and mentally connected to a giant fish-bird-worm thing.
: '''Donatello:''' Don't worry. I've upgraded it since then. It's perfectly safe. I promise. Your [[w:list of psychic abilities|psychic]] [[w: extrasensory perception|powers]] have been advancing rapidly since you were given that Aeon crystal. It's imperative I test its limits. For your own sake.
: '''April:''' I have it under control. Besides if it weren't for my powers, we never would have gotten away from Super Shredder. You saw what I did to that mutated freak.
: '''Leo:''' That's what worries us.
: '''Donnie:''' I just need to examine your Crystal. 
: '''April''': ''[firmly]'' ''No!'' I'm not taking it off! Don't even ask again, Donnie! It's safe as long as I have it!
: '''Donnie:''' If I can replicate how this crystal increases your powers, that could provide a frame of reference–
: '''Leo:''' Increase her powers?
: '''Donnie:''' Don't worry. Only slightly by maybe .3%. April, let me know if you feel anything. OK? Tingling, headache.
:'''April:''' I told you! I'm fine! Just leave the Crystal– AGHH!! 
:''[April is suddenly overflowing with mighty [[w: mystical|mystical]] power, which is causing her already powerful psionic abilities to go berserk and trashes Donnie's lab]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''April:''' I'm so sorry. I guess I should have listened to you about the crystal. Especially you, Donnie. I'm sorry for...
: '''Donnie:''' For what, reducing me to a quantum smear? Yeah. Still feel kind of whacked out of my head, but I'll be fine.
: '''Splinter:''' I am impressed, April. You literally destroyed your demons.
: '''Raph:''' She almost destroyed all of us.
: '''Leo:''' What about your powers?
: '''April:''' They were always part of me. I can't harness the great powers of the Aeons anymore, but I think I know how to control my [[w:list of psychic abilities|powers]] better. ''[Thinking]'' ''So at least some good came out of this''.

===Tokka vs. the World===
:'''Casey:''' So, how's April doin'? I been worried about her.
:'''Donnie:''' She's better. Still resting.
:'''Leo:''' That crystal really messed her up. I'm worried there could be permanent damage.
:'''Raph:''' So, you think she lost most of her [[w: list of psychic abilities|psychic]] [[w: extrasensory perception |powers]] or what?
:'''Donnie:''' Her powers have been greatly reduced, but she's still far more powerful than she was before acquiring the Crystal. It's hard to say until I test her again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mikey:''' Dada, Raph. Way to stare down a giant space monster, dude.
:'''Raph:''' ''Don't call Chompy's mom a space monster!''
:'''Donnie:''' Hey, I'm just glad she's back in space.
:'''Leo:''' No doubt. One wrong sneeze, and she would've wiped out all humanity.
:'''Splinter:''' Raphael, have you thought of what will happen when Chompy grows to full size? The Earth may not be big enough to contain him.
:'''Raphael:''' I think Chompy is destined to return to the stars one day. But it's gonna be a long time before that happens.

===Tale of Tiger Claw===
:''[Is lifted off the ground by April's telekinetic hold]''
:'''Alopex:''' What is going on?
:'''April:''' That's what we wanna know! Talk!
:'''Alopex:''' I'm on a mission to destroy the one mutant who ruined my life: Tiger Claw, my brother!
:'''Casey:''' Oh snap!
:'''Mikey:''' Brother?
:'''Alopex:''' It is ''his'' fault we were mutated and then he turned us to a life of crime! He made me do terrible things to people.
:'''Leo:''' Alopex, our sensei once told us: &quot;Revenge just leads to more pain.&quot;
:'''Alopex:''' I want my brother to feel that plain! With these blades, I'll take more than his tail!
:'''Casey:''' We're not your enemy, Alopex. Please. Help me lift the curse.
:'''Alopex:''' The only way is to use the blades against me or destroy the steel! But until I have my revenge on my brother, that will not happen!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Alopex:''' Takeshi.
:'''Tiger Claw:''' Sister, before you attack, let us talk.
:'''Alopex:''' No, Takeshi! The twin swords work. A worthy curse for a monster such as you!
:'''Tiger Claw:''' I know how you fight, Alopex! I taught you how, remember!?
:'''Alopex:''' I know the truth about our parents! ''You'' were the one responsible! ''You took everyone away from me!''
:''[Is met up with several traps and is encased in a M.O.U.S.E.R cage]''
:'''Alopex:''' NO!! Let me go!!
:'''Tiger Claw:''' Sister, all I ever tried to do was protect you from a world that would never accept us. You leave me no choice except to destroy you!

===Requiem===
:'''Leo:''' Master Splinter, you've been kind of distant the past few days. You've been meditating nonstop, and you're barely sleeping. Are you OK?
:'''Splinter:''' Leonardo, please. Let us not talk about me. Let us talk about you. Do you know why you are the leader of this team?
:'''Leo:''' Um, yeah. Because I asked to be. You said it wasn't because of my skills.
:'''Splinter:'''  I said that only to temper your ego at the time. I knew even when you were a small boy, that you would one day grow up to the leader of this team. And when I pass on, to be like a father as well.
:'''Leo:''' &quot;Pass on&quot;? What are you talking about, Sensei? 
:'''Splinter:''' Leonardo, if I can only impart one piece of wisdom that will remain with you forever: Remember, giving guidance to your brothers' and friends does not come [[Mind |here]]. It comes from [[Heart|here]].
:'''Leo:''' I don't get it. You're fine, Father. Is there something you're not telling me?
:''[The others arrive outside the dojo]''
:'''Mikey:''' Hey, Leo, wanna go visit Karai? Party at the Mutanimals crib, yo.
:'''Raph:''' And you can come, too, Sensei.
:'''Splinter:''' Hmm. Perhaps I do need to get out of the sewers for a time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Splinter believes that Super Shredder is dead]''
:'''Raph:''' Yes! You did it, Sensei. (You ended the Shredder!)
:'''Splinter:''' (''last words before his death; to April and Raph'') My family. (I couldn't have done it without you.)
:'''Leo''': (''screams in horror'') AGHHH!!! 
:''[April still psionically detects Super Shredder's presence]''
:'''April:''' Oh, no. Splinter!
:''[she and Raph are horrified as Splinter is stabbed through with Super Shredder's blades]''
:'''Raph:''' FATHER!!
:'''April:''' SPLINTER!!
:'''Super Shredder:''' And now... Hamato Yoshi ''DIES!!'' 
:''[Super Shredder throws Splinter from the Wolf Hotel rooftop, to the horror of everyone]''
:'''Leo:''' NOOOO!! Father. Father.
:'''Super Shredder:''' (''after killing Splinter'') I have claimed my victory. No more will you haunt me, rat.

===Owari===
:'''Splinter's Spirit:''' Leonardo. Do not fear me, my son.
:'''Leo:''' Sensei, is it really you or am I... dreaming this?
:'''Splinter's Spirit:''' You are not dreaming. I have attained a higher spiritual plane of existence. Passing into death, we merge with the whole of life. We become one with nature, in all of the universe. Even with you.
:'''Leo:''' I can't go on without you, Father.
:'''Splinter's Spirit:''' You must, Leonardo. You are the sensei now. Your brothers need you. Karai needs you. Shredder is still alive.
:'''Leo:''' What!?
:'''Splinter's Spirit:''' You must end this, Leonardo.
:'''Leo:''' I don't know if we're strong enough, Sensei. Sensei? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leo''': ''[after killing Super Shredder]'' Shredder... is finished.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the rooftops of Stockman Industries]''
:'''Leo:''' Karai, I'm so sorry.
:'''Karai:''' There's nothing to be sorry about, Leo. I just want to thank you for finishing what no one else could.
:'''Raph:''' You did it, brother! You ended the Shredder!
:'''Leo:''' Whoa, Raph. Don't squeeze me so hard, Raph. I'm still recovering.
:'''Donnie:''' So, what are gonna do next?
:'''April:''' Oh, I'm sure they'll be plenty of enemies to take Shredder's place.
:'''Casey:''' Tiger Claw is still out there. The Foot clan isn't out of the game yet, dudes.
:'''Mikey:''' Whatever evil emerges, we'll be ready... 'casue we're awesome.
:'''Leo:''' That's right, Mikey, and we'll do it together. Right, Sensei?

==Characters==
===Main===
*Leonardo/Leo
*Raphael/Raph
*Donatello/Donnie
*Michelangelo/Mikey/Michael
*[[w:April O'Neil|April O'Neil]] (24 Episodes)
*[[w:Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Casey Jones]] (23 Episodes)
*Professor Honeycutt/the Fugitoid (14 Episodes)

===Recurring===
*[[w:Hamato Yoshi|Splinter]] (16 Episodes)
*[[w:Karai (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Karai]] (8 Episodes)

===Supporting===
*Tang Shen (photographs; 4 Episodes)
*Oroku Saki/Super Shredder (9 Episodes)
*Bebop
*Rocksteady
*Fishface (6 Episodes)
*Rahzar
*Tiger Claw (8 Episodes)
*Baxter Stockman/Stockman Fly (4 Episodes)
*Shinigami (5 Episodes)
*The Mighty Mutanimals
**Slash
**Leatherhead
**Muckman
**Dr. Tyler Rockwell
**Pigeon Pete
**Mondo Gecko
*Dr. Kirby O'Neil (&quot;Owari&quot;; cameo)
*Lord Dregg (5 Episodes)
*Armaggon (2 Episodes)
*Mona Lisa (4 Episodes)
*Sal Commander (3 Episodes)
*Za-Naron (&quot;The Power Inside Her&quot;)
*Alopex (&quot;Tale of Tiger Claw&quot;)

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series, season 4)}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}

[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series) seasons|4]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Steven Universe (season 2)</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;.'' ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's because Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre—Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races! Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation! They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all...''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; Peridot tears up her chart angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>ndat5k61gsh52ckz68jg8wzj4806ixa</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150386</id>
      <parentid>3150385</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T18:03:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Log Date 7 15 2 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="76943" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;.'' ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-— Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all…''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>o6h4ld6h2wrqzhgo0ffs0qu6m4tr2dy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150387</id>
      <parentid>3150386</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T18:05:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Log Date 7 15 2 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;.'' ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all…''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Okay, go.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Log date seven fourteen two.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! ''[groans]'' Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' Wait, what?

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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      <text bytes="76935" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;.'' ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all…''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder] Log date seven fourteen two.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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      <text bytes="76935" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

=== ''Full Disclosure'' ===
:'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
:'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong!
:'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back?
:'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]''
:'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?!
:'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom.
:'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?!
:'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe?
:'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
:'''Steven''': Brood?
:'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
:'''Steven''': Hm.
:'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
:'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
:'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
:'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other.
:'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on!
:'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
:'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
:'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! 
:'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': Why not?
:'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
:'''Garnet''': No fence either.
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
:'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
:'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
:'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
:'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
:'''Steven''': What?!

=== ''Open Book'' ===

=== ''Joy Ride'' ===
:'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. 
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm.
:'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
:'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
:'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
:''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]''
:'''Jenny''': That's heavy.
:'''Steven''': I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV.

=== ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' ===
:'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling &quot;APRIL FOOLS&quot; and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]''
:'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this… stranger?
:'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
:''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]''
:'''Amethyst''': &quot;Uncle… Grandpa&quot;?
:'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father?
:'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
:'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
:'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special.
:'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus.
:'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
:'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
:'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of &quot;Mr. Gusite&quot;]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]''
:'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here.
:'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!''
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting.
:'''Pearl''': &lt;big&gt;'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' 
:'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe?  ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]''
:'''Pearl''': That's not my baby!
:'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]''
:'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]''
:''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]''
:'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
:''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay.
:'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
:'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger.
:'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
:'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
:'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
:'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl.
:'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]''

=== ''Story for Steven'' ===
=== ''Shirt Club '' ===
:''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl!
:'''Garnet''': Steven!
:'''Pearl''': What is it?!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire?
:'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! 
:'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
:'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just—
:'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
:'''Steven''': No! No, they're just—
:'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
:'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
:'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]''
:'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass.
:'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help!
:'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
:'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''!
:'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]''
:'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
:'''Steven''': But..!
:'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven!
:'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
:'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
:'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]''
:'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine.

=== ''Love Letters'' ===
:''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]''
:'''Steven''': Jamie!
:'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
:'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
:'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. &quot;Follow your dreams,&quot; they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone.
:'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
:'''Steven''': No, we don't!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you.
:'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me?
:'''Garnet''': No!
:'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
:'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]''
:'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
:'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor.
:'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now?
:'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]''
:'''Connie''': Are you okay?
:'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
:'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
:'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
:'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up.
:'''Jamie''': Thanks.

=== ''Reformed'' ===
:'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form.
:'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke?
:'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous.
:'''Amethyst''': &lt;big&gt;'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature...
:'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously!
:'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!!
:'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst!
:'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... &lt;big&gt;I'M ''WEAK''&lt;/big&gt;?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]''
:'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this?

=== ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' ===
:'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind!
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie.
:'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword!
:'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea!
:''[back at the Beach House]''
:'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?!
:'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good!
:'''Connie''': Steven!
:'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now?
:'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie?
:'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]''
:'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started!
:'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]''
:'''Connie''': Wait, now?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember:
:''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''

:''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered''
:''As you're moving forward, balance is the key''
:''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster''
:''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.''

:'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' (&quot;Good.&quot;)
:''Keep my body lowered'' (&quot;Right.&quot;)
:''As I'm moving forward''
:'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!''

:'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot''
:'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!''
:''Everything you have, everything you are''
:''You've got to give.''

:''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos''
:''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword''
:''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war''
:''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win''
:''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.''
&lt;hr width=25%&gt;
:''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting''
:''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try''
:''What they don't know is your real advantage''
:''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.''

:'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' (&quot;True.&quot;)
:'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight''
:'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' (&quot;Good.&quot;) ''I can make a difference'' (&quot;Yes, excellent!&quot;)
:''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.''

:'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him''
:'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her''
:'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' (&quot;Yes, ma'am.&quot;)
:''You do it for her, and now you say''
:'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
:'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy.
:'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!'''
:'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me.
:'''Garnet''': That makes sense.
:'''Steven''': What do you mean?
:'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life.
:''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]''
:'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude?
:'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!!

=== ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' ===
:'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh!
:'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? 
:'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— 
:'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''.
:'''Steven''': Cool! 
:'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? 
:'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]''
:''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us.
:'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! 
:'''Steven''': No, not &quot;us&quot; us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! 
:'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems.
:'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand?
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not.

=== ''Keeping It Together'' ===
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?
:'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten.
:'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?
:'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on.
:'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those?
:'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become…
:'''Garnet''': Janked.
:'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet?
:'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known.
:'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion!
:'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault!
:'''Steven''': Garnet!
:'''Garnet''': S-Steven.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back.
:'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things?
:'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN!
:'''Steven''': Uh!
:'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]''
:'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]''
:'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion?
:'''Garnet''': You fused.
:'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be?
:'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right.
:'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear?
:'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time.
:'''Steven''': That's why you're so great!
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]''
:'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair.
:'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together.

=== ''We Need to Talk'' ===
:''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]''
:'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]''
:'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead?
:'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before!
:'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance.
:'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]''
:'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose!
:'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light.
:'''Greg''': Metaphorically?
:'''Garnet''': Literally.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try!
:'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]''
:'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]''
:'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]''
:'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion.
:'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it.

=== ''Chille Tid'' ===
:'''Steven''': &quot;Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live&quot;—Steven Universe.
----
:'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)''
:'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing.
----
:'''Steven''': Lapis!
:'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now.

=== ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' ===
:'''Garnet''': It's as I feared.
:''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]''
:'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it.
:'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite!
:'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?...
:'''Garnet''': No.
:'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time?
:'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this.
:'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'')
:'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'')
:'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready.
:'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time.
----
:'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight?
:'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'')  Great...
:'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman!
----
:'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?''
----
:'''Amethyst''': Stop!
:'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't.
:'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you.
:'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What?
:'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you!
:'''Garnet''': I don't understand.
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you.
:'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
:'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain!
:'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub!
:'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time.
:'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me!
:'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
:'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''!
:'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''!
:'''Pearl''': Garnet...
:'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me!
:'''Amethyst''': But-!
:'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with.

=== ''Keystone Motel'' ===
:'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?!
:'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry
----
:'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby.
:'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?!
:'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally.
:'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!''
:'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset...
:'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?!
:'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage?
:'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it!
:'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all.
:'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! 
----
:'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out.
:'''Ruby''':  ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]''
:''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]''
:'''Ruby''': You don't know me!
:'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion?
:'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! 
:'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. 
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?!
:'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes.
----
:'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me?
:'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us!
:'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...!
:'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid!
:'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid!
:'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]''
:'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing.
:'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up?
:'''Sapphire''': What?
:'''Ruby''': I get to look at you...
:'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious!
:'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy!
:'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]''

=== ''Historical Friction'' ===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl?
:'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back!
:'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough.
:'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with?
:'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
:'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey?
:'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
:'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart?

=== ''Friend Ship'' ===
:''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt!
:'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up.
:'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck!
:'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!'''''
:'''Pearl''': No...
:'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo-
:'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah!
:''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]''
:'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!'''''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping.
:'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry!
:'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec!
:'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]''
:'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow.
:'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal...
:'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot.
:'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking!
:'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out!
:''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]''
:'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed!
:''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]''
:'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?!
:'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
:'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
:'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses!
:'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do.
:''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]''
:'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
:'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone.
:'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened?
:'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm.
:'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
:'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore!
:'''Garnet''': Good.

=== ''Nightmare Hospital'' ===
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises.
:'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work?
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack?
:'''Connie''': Oh, no...
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?!
:'''Steven''': I-it's—
:'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?!
:'''Connie''': It's—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?!
:'''Connie''': I—
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one?
:'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? 
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]''
:'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword!
:'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind?
:'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling?
:'''Connie''': ..Maybe.
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you.
:'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying?
:'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]''
:'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey.
:'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom.

=== ''Sadie's Song'' ===
:'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this.
:'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing.
:'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, &quot;Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun&quot;, then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. &quot;Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice.&quot; 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. &quot;Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza&quot;, and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do.
:'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is.
:'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter.
:'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry.

=== ''Catch and Release'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?!
:'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]''
:'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]''
:'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation?
:'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?
:'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!
:'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble?
:'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!!
:'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters?
:'''Peridot''': You wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes.
:'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know?
:'''Steven''': Yes?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked.
:'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]''
:'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried.
:'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her!
:'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble.
:'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine.
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it.
:'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot!
:'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa!
:'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation.
:'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine!
:'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt.
:'''Steven''': Wait!
:'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]''
:'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this.
:'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]''
:'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!!
:'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom?
:'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash?

=== ''When It Rains'' ===
:'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this &quot;Cluster&quot; is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!
:'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster!
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola?
:'''Peridot''': What's granola? 
:'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement!
:'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation.
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven.
:'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now.
:'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…!
:'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own.
:'''Steven''': I'll come with you.
:'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.''
:'''Steven''': Really?
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything.
:'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers.
:'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS!
:'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion.
:'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards.
:'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance.
:'''Steven''': What is it?
:'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work!
:'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it!
:'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.
:'''Peridot''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore.
:'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works.
:'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems.
:'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this &quot;dad&quot; for help, right?

=== ''Back to the Barn'' ===
:'''Peridot''': What is that?!
:'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster.
:'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment!
:'''Amethyst''': What a cluster.
:'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped.
:'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to-
:'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now.
:'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what?
:'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave?
:'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving.
:'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right?
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this.
:'''Steven''': Why not?
:'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right?
:'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me.
:'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this?
:'''Steven''': What are you talking about?
:'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld.
:'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?!
:'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but—
:'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]''
:'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls...
:'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway?
:'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!!
:'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home?
:'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!!
:'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them!
:'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other?
:'''Both''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NO!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even!
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on!
:'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots.
:'''Both''': Hm?
:'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes!
:'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition?
:'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff!
:'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? 
:'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]''
:'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy!
:'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster!
:'''Peridot''': That's what you think!

=== ''Too Far'' ===
:'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster.
:'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this?
:'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying.&quot; [Amethyst laughs]''
:'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that?
:'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better.
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] &quot;Clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Mighty clod!&quot; [fast-forwards] &quot;Running out of ways to say clod.&quot;''
:'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work.
:'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable.
:''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.]
:'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! 
:'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that?
:'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]''
:'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
:'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer?
:'''Peridot''': That's what I said.
:'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]''
:'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not?
:'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one?
:'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius.
:'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this?
:'''Peridot''': A scent sponge.
:'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]''
:'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this?
:'''Peridot''': Vision sphere.
:'''Steven''': Peridot, that's—
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these?
:'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?!
:'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors.
:'''Amethyst''': ''This''?!
:'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]''
:'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me!
:'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!
:'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny!
:'''Peridot''': Funny?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge!
:'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet.
:'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be.
:'''Steven''': Hey!
:'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! 
:'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What?
:'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective.
:'''Amethyst''': ..Defective?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small.
:'''Amethyst''': So?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like!
:'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]''
:'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like?
:'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long.
:'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off.
:''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]''
:'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay?
:'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it.
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;

:'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!''
:'''Garnet''': I blame the cows.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' &quot;''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently &quot;hurt&quot; Amethyst's &quot;feelings&quot;, which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''&quot;

=== ''The Answer'' ===
:'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke…
:'''Blue Diamond''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here.
:'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here.
:'''Blue Diamond''': Thank you, Sapphire.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved.
:'''Blue Diamond''': That's all I needed to know.
:'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed!
:'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels!
:'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves!
:'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We…
:'''Rose &amp; Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems.
:'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of!
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd.
:'''Blue Diamond''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described.
:'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I…
:'''Ruby''': No! It was me!
:'''Blue Diamond''': Clearly.
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond.
:'''Blue Diamond''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court?
:'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I…
:'''Blue Diamond''': You will be broken for this!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?''
:''I think we made something entirely new''
:''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you''
:''I think it was someone entirely new.''

:'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um''
:''Well, I just can't stop thinking''
:'''Sapphire''': ''So, um''
:''Did you say I was different?''

:'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not''
:''When would I have ever?''
:'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry''
:'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be''
:'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!''

:'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?''
:'''Ruby''': ''What about me?''
:'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too''
:''We're here together.''

:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm''
:''Mm-m-m-m-mm...''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell.
:'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me?
:''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]''
:'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion.
:'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]''
:'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again.
:'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl.
:'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you?
:'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting.
:'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]''
:'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth.
:'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?!
:'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer.
:''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]''
:'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer?
:'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love.
:'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it.
:'''Garnet''': So did I.

=== ''Steven's Birthday'' ===
:''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]''
:'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi—
:''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]''
:'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?!
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing?
:'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?!
:'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?!
:'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching.
:'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you.
:'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?!
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?!
:'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]''
:'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?!
:'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down.
:'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?!
:'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out.
:''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]''
:'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay.
:'''Greg''': Are you sure?
:'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]''
:'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying.
:'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]''
:'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'.

=== ''It Could've Been Great'' ===
:'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth''
:''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

:''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me''
:'''Peridot''': Sing?
:'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key''
:'''Peridot''': Key?
:'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern''
:''Then just repeat after me.''

:''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!''
:'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''
:'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it!
:'''Peridot''': That's so easy.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song.
:'''Peridot''': About what?
:'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking.
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know''
:''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go''
:''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too''
:''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and''
:'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth''
:''And peace and war on the planet Earth.''

:'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more''
:''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be?
:'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is!
:'''Steven''': Who?
:''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]''
:'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent?
:'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal.
:'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds.
:'''Steven''': They must really like stairs.
:''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]''
:'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room?
:'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for.
:'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps.
:'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]''
:'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great!
:'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! 
:'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it!
:'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it.
:'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! 
:'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth!
:'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! 
:'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting.
:'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet!
:''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]''
:'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]''
:'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand.
:'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home.
:''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]''
:'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why.

=== ''Message Received'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have.
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster.
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?''
:'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources.
:'''Peridot''': What?
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen.
:'''Peridot''': ...No!
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?!
:'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority?
:'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond.
:'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line.
:'''Peridot''': I just think—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot.
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to—
:'''Peridot''': But—
:'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!''
:'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?!
:'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... &lt;big&gt;'''''CLOD!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out.
:''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]''
:'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...
:'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! 
:'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...!
:'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. 
:'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the &quot;Peridactyl&quot;!
:'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? 
:'''Pearl''': Why? 
:'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. 
:''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' 
:'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?!
:'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it!
:'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]''
:'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!''
:''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... 
:'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. 
:'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. 
:'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! 
:'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. 
:'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' 
:'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. 
:''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]''

=== ''Log Date 7 15 2'' ===
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.''
:'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay?
:'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No!
:'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now.
:'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]''
:'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping.
:'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!!
:'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this.
:'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, &quot;The Steven.&quot;
:'''Steven''': It's just &quot;Steven.&quot;
:'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude.
:'''Steven''': Rude.
:'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, &quot;Steven.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': &quot;Jokes.&quot; ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' &quot;Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road.&quot; ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; begins to start]''
:'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;…''
:'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work!
:'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:''[They lean in closer to kiss]''
:'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual?
:'''Steven''': Uh, that's um…
:'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion?
:'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life--
:'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;.'' ''[saying Percy's line]'' It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
:'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay?
:'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment.
:'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago?
:'''Peridot''': There's more than one?
:'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]''
:'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy.
:'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy.
:'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp!
:'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode?
:'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' &quot;''Well, first of all…''&quot;
:'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part.
:''[Steven fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]''
:'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?!
:'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre.
:'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh!
:''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] Okay, go.''
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet.
:'''Garnet''': ''[thru recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.''
:'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] Wait, what?''

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Steven Universe (season 3)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>195794</id>
    <revision>
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      <parentid>3148300</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T18:09:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Barn Mates */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="51664" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
----
{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Super Watermelon Island''===
:'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that?
:'''Amethyst''': Feel what?
:'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''&quot;CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH&quot;''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me.
:'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long.
:'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]''
:'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous.
:'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing?
:'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist.
:'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]''
:'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out.
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun?
:'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]''
:'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart!
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]''
:'''Garnet''':  It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you.
:''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]''
:'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill.
:'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs.
:'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you.

===''Gem Drill''===
:'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?!
:'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them!
:'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?!
:'''Steven''': I don't know!
:'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Peridot''': ''Liar!''
:''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]''
:'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Inside the drill]''
:'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact!
:'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes.
:''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]''
:'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh?
:'''Peridot''': Why's that?
:'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway?
:'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?!  
:'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot.   
:'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it!  
:'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great.
:''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]''
:'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay?  
:'''Garnet''': She'll be fine.
:'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': No, I talked to it.
:'''Pearl''': What?  
:'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!''  
:'''Steven''': We had a little help.
:''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]''

===''Same Old World''===
:'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped.
:'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free!
:'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth!
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.
:'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it.
:'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad.

===''Barn Mates''===
:'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, &quot;Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?&quot; And then she'll say, &quot;Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!&quot; Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin.
:'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work.
:'''Peridot''': Wait, what?
:'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies?
:'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz!
:'''Lapis''': No. No way!
:'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something?
:'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem.
:'''Peridot''': Bah...
:'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis?
:'''Lapis''': It's ''her''.
:'''Peridot''': Egh?!
:'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth.
:'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us.
:'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did!
:'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different!
:'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth.
:'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal!
:'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work.
:'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay.
:'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH!
:'''Steven''': I know.
:'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand!
:'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her!
:'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''?
:'''Steven''': I got you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside.
:'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''&quot;Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake!
:'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]''
:'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do.
:'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously?
:'''Peridot''': Yeah!
:'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?
:'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought—
:'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months.
:'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say?
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake.
:'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh…
:'''Peridot''': Urrgh…
:'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
:'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you!
:'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; DVD?
:'''Steven''': Which season?
:'''Peridot''': Five?
:'''Steven''': Trash.
:'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]''
:'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it.
:'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE!
:'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying.
:'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again.

===''Hit the Diamond''===

:''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! 
:'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding.
:'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. 
:'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]''
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? 
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word…
:'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone.
:'''Pearl &amp; Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire!
:'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs!
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Disguised as a human baseball team]''
:'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! 
:'''Pearl''': Earl!
:'''Amethyst''': Amy! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. 
:'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie...
:''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh...
:'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again.
:''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay...
:'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME!
:'''Steven''': To make you feel better! 
:'''Peridot''': THANK YOU!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]''
:'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events...
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[growls]''
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what?
:'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE!
:''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]''
:'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles!
:'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! 
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? 
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if &quot;failed&quot; would be the right word to--
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?!
:'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct!
:'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?!
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]''
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!''
:'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh....
:'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune!
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so?
:''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]''
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! 
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... 
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': But we just... got here.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[dragging &quot;Leggy&quot; along]'' Let's go, newbie!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... 
:''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''.
:'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them.

===''Steven Floats''===
:''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]''
:'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say?
:'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize!
:'''Steven''': Go get Garnet!

===''Drop Beat Dad''===

===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''===
:'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing''
:''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing''
:''What do I do with all this money''
:''When the only thing I want is you?''

:''Palling around don't cost nothing''
:''Singing a song don't cost nothing''
:''How do I spend all this money?''
:''I'd rather just spend time with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car''
:'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van''
:''I could put you through college''
:'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time!
:'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.''

:'''Steven''': What if we took a trip?
:'''Greg''': Do you think?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation''
:''We could go somewhere new!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men''
:''Who would come into her life now and again''
:''I was fine 'cause I knew''
:''That they didn't really matter until you.''

:''I was fine when you came''
:''And we fought like it was all some silly game''
:''Over her, who she'd choose''
:''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:''War and glory, reinvention''
:''Fusion, freedom, her attention''
:''Out in daylight, my potential''
:''Bold, precise, experimental''

:''Who am I now in this world without her?''
:''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?''
:''What does it matter, it's already done''
:''Now I've got to be there for her son.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?''
:''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try''
:''Why don't you talk about what happened?
:''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.''

:''You might not believe it''
:''You might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do''
:''You both love me and I love both of you.''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too.
:'''Pearl''': I don't hate you.
:'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway.
:'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem.
:'''Greg''': Then, what was?
:'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you.
:'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose.
:'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted!
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it''
:''Someone who knows what you're going through''
:''You might not believe it, you might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do.''

:''You both love me and I love both of you''
:''You both love me and I love both... of you.''

===''Too Short to Ride''===
:''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]''
:'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride.  
:'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!''
:'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban?  
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley!  
:'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out.

===''The New Lars''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie?
:'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off?
:'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven?
:'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem.
:'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie.
:'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo.
:'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]''
:'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there.
:''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling?
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller?
:'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie?
:'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]''
:'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]''
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' &quot;F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F.&quot; That doesn't spell anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?!
:'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad.
:'''Lars''': Huh?!
:'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to…
:'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?!
:''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body.
:''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]''
:'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill?
:'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased.
:'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning.
:'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!'''
:'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie.

===''Beach City Drift''===
:'''Steven''': They told me, &quot;there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe.&quot; And I told them, &quot;the universe ''is'' my road.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the &quot;It's a Wash&quot; car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]''
:'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin?
:'''Steven''': '''Yes'''.
:'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]''
:'''Steven''': You don't seem mad.
:'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. 
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face!
:'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law.
:'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin.
:'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in.
:'''Steven''': Ew.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet?
:'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]''
:'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too.
:'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea.
:''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]''
:'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny!
:'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!'''
:'''Kevin''': Chowzers.

===''Restaurant Wars''===

===''Alone at Sea''===
:''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]''
:'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
:'''Steven''': That's not true!
:'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.
:'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper.
:'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her.
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long.
:'''Steven''': But... she's terrible!
:'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!

===''Greg the Babysitter''===
:''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]''
:'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing.
:'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean?
:'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species?
:'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What?
:'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow.
:'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. 
:''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]''
:'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up.
:'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down!

===''Gem Hunt''===
:'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest.
:'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert.
:'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one.
:'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity.
:'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got.

===''Crack the Whip''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt!
:'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!!
:'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt!
:'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]''
:'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it!
:''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? 
:''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]''
:'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]''
:'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]''
:'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am!
:'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]''
:'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': Just a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did!
:'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's &quot;sorry.&quot;

===''Steven vs. Amethyst''===
:'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on &quot;Lonely Blade&quot; video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job!
:'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win.
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]''
:'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying.
:'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. 
:'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me.
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem.
:'''Steven''': Wha-what?
:'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven.
:'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?!
:'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me!
:'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day!
:'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you!
:'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst!
:'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am!
:'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!!
:'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]''
:'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]''
:'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. &quot;You can be anything you wanna be!&quot; No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know?
:'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven—
:'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard?
:'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so.
:''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]''
:'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoops.
:'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while.

===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''===
:''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]''
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]''
:'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying.
:'''Bismuth''': What's that?
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet.
:'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]''
:'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back!
:'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad.
:'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]''
:'''Steven''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes.
:'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]''
:'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...?
:'''Steven''': Son.
:'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]''
:'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop.
:'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! &lt;big&gt;'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]''
:''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]''
:'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends...
:'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]''
:'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her.

===''Beta''===
:''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching ''&quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot;'' on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]''
:'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! 
:'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. 
:'''Lapis''': Seriously.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! 
:'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Inside the barn]''
:'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, &quot;Eh, just leave it&quot;?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things!
:'''Amethyst''': That's dumb.  
:'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! 
:'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! 
:'''Lapis''': I've been calling it &quot;meepmorp&quot;.
:'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]''
:''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]''
:'''Peridot''': This piece is called &quot;Wow, thanks&quot;. It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]''
:''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]''
:'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. 
:'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]''
:''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying &quot;I just feel trapped&quot; over and over]''
:'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? 
:'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all.
:'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper.
:'''Peridot''': Meh?
:'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough.
:'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper!
:'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Steven''': I, uh…
:'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you &quot;Ridiculousthyst.&quot; ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different.
:'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?!
:'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place?
:'''Amethyst''': No!
:'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten.
:'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here.
:'''Amethyst''': It's red.
:'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right?
:'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right?
:'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job.
:'''Steven''': A rush job?
:'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close!
:'''Amethyst''': What about that one?
:''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper.
:'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole?
:'''Amethyst''': It's huge!
:'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look.

===''Earthlings''===
:'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong.
:'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her!
:'''Amethyst''': But—
:'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this!
:'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]''
:'''Steven''': That's why we're the best.
:''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]''
:'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY!
:'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]''
:'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting!
:'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful.
:'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... 
:'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her -  but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!! 
:''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' 
:'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! 
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity...
:'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. 
:'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! 
:'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...!
:'''Steven''': It's getting worse. 
:'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...!
:'''Steven''': Try not to move!
:'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' 
:'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! 
:'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! 
:'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? 
:'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! &lt;big&gt;'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]''

===''Back to the Moon''===
:''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened?
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; turns to Amethyst]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond!
:''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]''
:'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone!

===''Bubbled''===
:''[Steven (in his bubble) and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]''
:'''Steven''': There goes the Earth.
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault.
:'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning!
:'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy?
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face.
:'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Sounds great!
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I can't wait!!
:'''Steven''': Me neither!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?
:'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now.
:'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her?
:'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist.
:'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never—
:'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth.
:'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone?
:'''Garnet''': Yes.
:''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]''
:'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me.

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]]
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{{italic title}}
The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''.

===''Super Watermelon Island''===
:'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that?
:'''Amethyst''': Feel what?
:'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''&quot;CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH&quot;''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me.
:'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long.
:'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]''
:'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous.
:'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing?
:'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist.
:'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]''
:'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out.
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun?
:'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]''
:'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart!
:'''Alexandrite''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]''
:'''Garnet''':  It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you.
:''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]''
:'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill.
:'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs.
:'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you.

===''Gem Drill''===
:'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?!
:'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them!
:'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?!
:'''Steven''': I don't know!
:'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great!
:'''Peridot''': ''Liar!''
:''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]''
:'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Inside the drill]''
:'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact!
:'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster.
:'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes.
:''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]''
:'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh?
:'''Peridot''': Why's that?
:'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway?
:'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?!  
:'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot.   
:'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it!  
:'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great.
:''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]''
:'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay?  
:'''Garnet''': She'll be fine.
:'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster?
:'''Steven''': No, I talked to it.
:'''Pearl''': What?  
:'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble.  
:'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!''  
:'''Steven''': We had a little help.
:''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]''

===''Same Old World''===
:'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped.
:'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free!
:'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth!
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.
:'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it.
:'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad.

===''Barn Mates''===
:'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, &quot;Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?&quot; And then she'll say, &quot;Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!&quot; Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin.
:'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work.
:'''Peridot''': Wait, what?
:'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here.
:'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies?
:'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz!
:'''Lapis''': No. No way!
:'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something?
:'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem.
:'''Peridot''': Bah...
:'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis?
:'''Lapis''': It's ''her''.
:'''Peridot''': Egh?!
:'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth.
:'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us.
:'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did!
:'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different!
:'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth.
:'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal!
:'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work.
:'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay.
:'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH!
:'''Steven''': I know.
:'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand!
:'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her!
:'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''?
:'''Steven''': I got you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside.
:'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''&quot;Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake!
:'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]''
:'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do.
:'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously?
:'''Peridot''': Yeah!
:'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?
:'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought—
:'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months.
:'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say?
:'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake.
:'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh…
:'''Peridot''': Urrgh…
:'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
:'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you!
:'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; DVD?
:'''Steven''': Which season?
:'''Peridot''': Five?
:'''Steven''': Trash.
:'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]''
:'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it.
:'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE!
:'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying.
:'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven?
:'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again.

===''Hit the Diamond''===

:''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]''
:'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! 
:'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding.
:'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face.
:'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. 
:'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]''
:'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' 
:'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? 
:'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. 
:'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word…
:'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]''
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone.
:'''Pearl &amp; Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire!
:'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs!
:'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Disguised as a human baseball team]''
:'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! 
:'''Pearl''': Earl!
:'''Amethyst''': Amy! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. 
:'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie...
:''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning?
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh...
:'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again.
:''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay...
:'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME!
:'''Steven''': To make you feel better! 
:'''Peridot''': THANK YOU!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]''
:'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events...
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[growls]''
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what?
:'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE!
:''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]''
:'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles!
:'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! 
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? 
:'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if &quot;failed&quot; would be the right word to--
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?!
:'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct!
:'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?!
:'''Pearl''': What?
:'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]''
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!''
:'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh....
:'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune!
:'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so?
:''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]''
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune!
:'''&quot;Army&quot; Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! 
:'''&quot;Navy&quot; Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... 
:'''&quot;Leggy&quot; Ruby''': But we just... got here.
:'''&quot;Doc&quot; Ruby''': ''[dragging &quot;Leggy&quot; along]'' Let's go, newbie!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... 
:''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''.
:'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them.

===''Steven Floats''===
:''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]''
:'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]''
:'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help!
:'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!''
:'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve!
:'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say?
:'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]''
:'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize!
:'''Steven''': Go get Garnet!

===''Drop Beat Dad''===

===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''===
:'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing''
:''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing''
:''What do I do with all this money''
:''When the only thing I want is you?''

:''Palling around don't cost nothing''
:''Singing a song don't cost nothing''
:''How do I spend all this money?''
:''I'd rather just spend time with you.''

:'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car''
:'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van''
:''I could put you through college''
:'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time!
:'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.''

:'''Steven''': What if we took a trip?
:'''Greg''': Do you think?
:'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation''
:''We could go somewhere new!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men''
:''Who would come into her life now and again''
:''I was fine 'cause I knew''
:''That they didn't really matter until you.''

:''I was fine when you came''
:''And we fought like it was all some silly game''
:''Over her, who she'd choose''
:''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:''War and glory, reinvention''
:''Fusion, freedom, her attention''
:''Out in daylight, my potential''
:''Bold, precise, experimental''

:''Who am I now in this world without her?''
:''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?''
:''What does it matter, it's already done''
:''Now I've got to be there for her son.''

:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?''
:''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''
:''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?''
:''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try''
:''Why don't you talk about what happened?
:''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.''

:''You might not believe it''
:''You might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do''
:''You both love me and I love both of you.''
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too.
:'''Pearl''': I don't hate you.
:'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway.
:'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem.
:'''Greg''': Then, what was?
:'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you.
:'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose.
:'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted!
&lt;hr width=25% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it''
:''Someone who knows what you're going through''
:''You might not believe it, you might not believe it''
:''But you got a lot in common, you really do.''

:''You both love me and I love both of you''
:''You both love me and I love both... of you.''

===''Too Short to Ride''===
:''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]''
:'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride.  
:'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!''
:'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban?  
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley!  
:'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out.

===''The New Lars''===
:'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie?
:'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off?
:'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven?
:'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem.
:'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie.
:'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo.
:'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]''
:'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there.
:''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling?
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller?
:'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie.
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie?
:'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]''
:'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]''
:'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' &quot;F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F.&quot; That doesn't spell anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?!
:'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad.
:'''Lars''': Huh?!
:'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to…
:'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?!
:''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]''
:'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body.
:''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]''
:'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill?
:'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased.
:'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning.
:'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!'''
:'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie.

===''Beach City Drift''===
:'''Steven''': They told me, &quot;there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe.&quot; And I told them, &quot;the universe ''is'' my road.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the &quot;It's a Wash&quot; car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]''
:'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin?
:'''Steven''': '''Yes'''.
:'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]''
:'''Steven''': You don't seem mad.
:'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. 
:'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face!
:'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law.
:'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin.
:'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in.
:'''Steven''': Ew.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet?
:'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]''
:'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too.
:'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea.
:''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]''
:'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny!
:'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!'''
:'''Kevin''': Chowzers.

===''Restaurant Wars''===

===''Alone at Sea''===
:''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]''
:'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]''
:'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
:'''Steven''': That's not true!
:'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.
:'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper.
:'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her.
:'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long.
:'''Steven''': But... she's terrible!
:'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!

===''Greg the Babysitter''===
:''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]''
:'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing.
:'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean?
:'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species?
:'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What?
:'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow.
:'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. 
:''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]''
:'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up.
:'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down!

===''Gem Hunt''===
:'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest.
:'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert.
:'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one.
:'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity.
:'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got.

===''Crack the Whip''===
:'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt!
:'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!!
:'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt!
:'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]''
:'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it!
:''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? 
:''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]''
:'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]''
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]''
:'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]''
:'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am!
:'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]''
:'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]''
:'''Jasper''': Just a joke.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did!
:'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?!
:'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's &quot;sorry.&quot;

===''Steven vs. Amethyst''===
:'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on &quot;Lonely Blade&quot; video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job!
:'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win.
:'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]''
:'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying.
:'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. 
:'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me.
:'''Steven''': Amethyst?
:'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem.
:'''Steven''': Wha-what?
:'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven.
:'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?!
:'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more.
:'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me!
:'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day!
:'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you!
:'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst!
:'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am!
:'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!!
:'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]''
:'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]''
:'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. &quot;You can be anything you wanna be!&quot; No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know?
:'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven—
:'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard?
:'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off.
:'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so.
:''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]''
:'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]''
:'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins!
:'''Amethyst''': Whoops.
:'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while.

===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''===
:''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]''
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems.
:'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]''
:'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!'''
:'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying.
:'''Bismuth''': What's that?
:'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet.
:'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]''
:'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back!
:'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad.
:'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]''
:'''Steven''': Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes.
:'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]''
:'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...?
:'''Steven''': Son.
:'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]''
:'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop.
:'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! &lt;big&gt;'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]''
:''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]''
:'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends...
:'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]''
:'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her.

===''Beta''===
:''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching &quot;Camp Pining Hearts&quot; on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]''
:'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! 
:'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. 
:'''Lapis''': Seriously.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! 
:'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! 
:'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Inside the barn]''
:'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, &quot;Eh, just leave it&quot;?
:'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things!
:'''Amethyst''': That's dumb.  
:'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! 
:'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! 
:'''Lapis''': I've been calling it &quot;meepmorp&quot;.
:'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]''
:''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]''
:'''Peridot''': This piece is called &quot;Wow, thanks&quot;. It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]''
:''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]''
:'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. 
:'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]''
:''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying &quot;I just feel trapped&quot; over and over]''
:'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? 
:'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all.
:'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper.
:'''Peridot''': Meh?
:'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough.
:'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper!
:'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Steven''': I, uh…
:'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you &quot;Ridiculousthyst.&quot; ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different.
:'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?!
:'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth?
:'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place?
:'''Amethyst''': No!
:'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten.
:'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here.
:'''Amethyst''': It's red.
:'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right?
:'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right?
:'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job.
:'''Steven''': A rush job?
:'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close!
:'''Amethyst''': What about that one?
:''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]''
:'''Peridot''': Jasper.
:'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole?
:'''Amethyst''': It's huge!
:'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look.

===''Earthlings''===
:'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong.
:'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her!
:'''Amethyst''': But—
:'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this!
:'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]''
:'''Steven''': That's why we're the best.
:''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]''
:'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY!
:'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]''
:'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting!
:'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful.
:'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... 
:'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her -  but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]''
:'''Amethyst''': Steven!! 
:''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' 
:'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! 
:'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity...
:'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. 
:'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! 
:'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]''
:'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...!
:'''Steven''': It's getting worse. 
:'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...!
:'''Steven''': Try not to move!
:'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' 
:'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! 
:'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! 
:'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? 
:'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! &lt;big&gt;'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]''
:'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome.
:'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]''

===''Back to the Moon''===
:''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened?
:'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''[&quot;Eyeball&quot; turns to Amethyst]''
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond!
:''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]''
:'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone!

===''Bubbled''===
:''[Steven (in his bubble) and &quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]''
:'''Steven''': There goes the Earth.
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault.
:'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning!
:'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy?
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face.
:'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': Sounds great!
:'''Steven''': Fine!
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': I can't wait!!
:'''Steven''': Me neither!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''&quot;Eyeball&quot; Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?
:'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now.
:'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her?
:'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist.
:'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never—
:'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth.
:'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone?
:'''Garnet''': Yes.
:''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]''
:'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me.

[[Category:Steven Universe seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>t5a62grtq4ta31soiqehcs37zxsds4u</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Injustice 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>197575</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150393</id>
      <parentid>3149586</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T18:18:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:446:480:2FA0:15F8:8292:19B:DC9A</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Epilogue (if Superman wins) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="235209" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]]''''' is a fighting game released in May 2017 for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One that is a sequel to [[Injustice: Gods Among Us]].  It was released by NetherRealm Studios, known for creating the recent Mortal Kombat games.

== Character Endings ==
*'''Batman''': Brainiac's attack left the world devastated. Thousands dead, many more thousands homeless. When President Kane asked that I head up the emergency response, I couldn't refuse. The job's demands required that I leave the Justice League in Barry's and Hal's hands. Together they're molding the younger heroes into a force for good unlike any Earth has even seen. But I'm only semi-retired. Behind the scenes, I've been preparing for Superman's return. Kal swore he'd escape from the Phantom Zone. I'd be foolish not to take him at his word.

*'''Superman''': I vowed to protect the Earth. But to guarantee its safety, I need to expand my vision. Brainiac's ship is the ultimate weapon. But in my hands, it could be so much more. Millions of civilizations await rebirth in Brainiac's collection. I'll find the bravest and strongest warriors among them, and I'll start a new Regime. No, a new Legion. The Legion of Superheroes! With it, I'll bring peace not just to Earth, but to the entire universe! And the universes that lie beyond!

*'''Wonder Woman''': When Batman tore down the Regime, man's world called me a tyrant. My Amazon sisters disowned me. That Brainiac showed Earth what a tyrant truly looks like. The people begged for deliverance-- and I gave them Brainiac's head. Once again, it falls upon the Regime to restore peace and order. Batman and the traitors who followed him will be punished. Even Kara Zor-El. Then I will return to Themyscira-- and deal with my sisters. If they do not heed my commands, they will bow to force. So says Diana, princess of the Amazons, slayer of Brainiac!

*'''Catwoman''': With nine lives, it had to happen sooner or later. I got everything I ever wanted, including a handsome prince and a badass reputation as the woman who beat Brainiac. And I must say... I was bored to death. Bruce and I worked better when we were forbidden. When the masks were on and the claws were out. That honeymoon was over, so I did the best thing for both of us. I'm not sad. I didn't become Catwoman to bag Bruce Wayne. I don't ever want to rely on anyone but myself. I'll go where I want to go, take what I want to take. And never, ever look back.

*'''Joker''': I hadn't begun my day thinking I'd give a wannabe alien overlord a haircut. That was a happy accident. But what I first thought a distraction inspired my life's greatest work. I found Brainiac's collection. Those poor cities from across the universe, trapped aboard his ship. There was only one thing to do! I restored them. And gave Earth the reboot it so desperately needed! I stitched together a crazy quilt of alien civilizations, without regard to rhyme or reason. Afraid, confused, devolved to their basest instincts, they kill each other in the most sickening ways. And I get to sit back, munch popcorn, and enjoy the show -- watching as the world burns! ''Hehehehahahahaha!''

*'''Harley Quinn''': I still can't believe it! Me, bringing down Brainiac! Who knew? Still, Bats surprised me, offering me a spot in the Justice League! Not totally sure he ain't crazy! But who says no to that guy? You know, being good feels good. But every now and again, every once in a while, I get this irresistible urge to go out and '''BASH SOME HEADS!''' Hopefully, being good'll stick long term. Till I'm sure, my kid, Lucy's still gonna know me as her crazy aunt Harleen. Maybe someday, I can give her the real scoop.

*'''Cyborg''': Brainiac thought he had me all figured out. Said my humanity made me weak. But fighting for humanity gave me the strength to body that punk-ass Coluan. And before he dropped, I took a few things... His twelfth-level intellect and his ship's data core. I thought the Internet was gigantic. But now? I've got the whole wide universe at my fingertips. First up, I put back every Earth city Brainiac stole, starting with my hometown, The Motor City! Then I keep going... Superman wants to secure one world, but I can reboot tens of thousands! Every last one in Brainiac's Collection. Gonna be a long trip. But another benefit of my new twelfth-level intellect is I can reunite with some old friends. Titans Together. Boo-yah.

*'''Bane''': Who would have ever imagined a sickly boy born in a prison would survive to become humanity's savior? I did. And now the world is mine. So I say to all prisoners... Rise! Come out! Kill your wardens! Make slaves of your guards. Teach them the meaning of despair! We have no more prisons, no police, no Regime left to fight... ''[Sighs]'' No one left to fight. Any worthy opponent has already... fallen... Dios mio. Perhaps victory can be a prison. A possibility I never imagined...

*'''Robin''': Bruce Wayne was my father, and it's no secret I hated him. But despite all that, he sacrificed himself to save me. Giving me the chance to stop Brainiac permanently. I was so obsessed with escaping the bat's shadow, that I never appreciated what that symbol really meant. Not until I saw it stained with my father's blood. My blood. This symbol is my legacy, a legacy of vengeance. My name is Damian Wayne, son of Bruce, grandson of the demon. I've been called Robin, and Nightwing. But from now on, the world will know me as... Batman.

*'''Flash''': So much for heroes. Brainiac had barely hit the floor when the arguing started. Should we kill him? Keep him alive? I couldn't watch them go to war. Not again. So I ran -- into the speed force! Brainiac wanted the universe to himself, so I dropped him off at the end of history. But I still kept running. I needed to be alone. Then I heard a familiar voice... It was Jay -- and the other speedsters! A crisis is coming, he told me! But if we run fast enough, together, we just might save the Multiverse. I thought I'd been running away. But I was running toward something. It's good to believe in heroes again.

*'''Jason Rusch''': The professor and me worked our tails off to control our powers. But Stein figured out the only way to beat Brainiac was to lose control.
:'''Martin Stein''': I correctly calculated that overheating Brainiac's engines would weaken him. But the quantum disruption we created caused an... unexpected chain reaction... The Skull Ship exploded... and every city Brainiac stole from Earth was obliterated. Metropolis. Coast City. All of them.
:'''Jason Rusch''': We thought we'd finally be the big heroes. The ones everyone looks up to.
:'''Martin Stein''': But in our hubris, we lost sight of the hero's duty: protecting others at all costs.
:'''Jason Rusch''': And we can't make that kinda mistake again.
:'''Martin Stein''': But still, if you ever need us, Batman...
:'''Both''': We'll be here.

*'''Doctor Fate''': The Lords of Order believed Earth couldn't be saved. That only Brainiac's evil could restore order. I knew refusing the Lords' Fate would anger them, and that they'd try to destroy me. Anyone else would have nowhere to run. Fortunately, I still have friends in low places. The House of Mystery guards the Helm. Zatanna and Constantine's spells conceal me from the Lords. But it was John's daughter, Rose, who gave me the greatest gift of all. My wife, Inza, returned to life and in my arms again. For the first time since taking up the Helm, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And that is... perfect.

*'''Black Canary''': I'd have loved to kick back and savor kicking Brainiac's ass, but I had to rush home. I didn't know if Connor had made it out of the invasion OK. Turns out I didn't need to worry. The crazy stress of Brainiac's attack had activated my son's metagene, and if there's one thing you don't want to mess with, it's a scared, pissed-off three-year-old with superpowers. Sure I love that Connor takes after me, but... raising him suddenly got a lot more complicated. I'm just glad to have people around that can help me and Ollie figure this whole thing out.

*'''Green Arrow''': Taking down that green-skinned bastard got me thinking about the people of my Earth. My universe's Brainiac had never come calling. I had to warn them. By the time I got home, it was too late. My Earth was *this* close to being gone for good. But that's when the strangest cavalry you've ever seen rode in. It was a full-on, multiverse Justice League! They'd been hopping between universes, battling Brainiac in every one. I couldn't refuse when they asked me to join. I've seen what Brainiac can do. Nobody, in any universe, should have to face that threat again.

*'''Captain Cold''': Going after the Regime was one thing. But destroy the planet for Brainiac? You really thought I'd go through with it, Grodd? Really?! ''[BLEEP!]'' you! Sorry it's been a while, sis. I know I've always got an excuse. But this time, I-I finally figured out the right way to honor your memory. I know what you're thinking. &quot;Old Lenny sold out.&quot; So what? I'm making sure the Regime and Brainiac never happen again. Even buried the hatchet with old Scarlet Speedster. Ironically or whatever, he's the best partner I ever had. 'Sides you, sis.

*'''Cheetah''': Hungry for his blood, I prepared to claim Brainiac. But the alien, desperate to save his life, sputtered out an offer. Brainiac said that if I spared him, he'd deposit any of his collected beings I wanted on a world of my choosing. There, I could pursue them at my leisure. So now I hunt, free from Wonder Woman's interference. With each kill, I glorify the Goddess. As for Brainiac? Of course I didn't abide our agreement. I'd never given up on killing him. A true huntress always catches her prey.

*'''Atrocitus''': My punishment of Brainiac's crimes had unintended consequences. His death disabled his ship. Billions of collected souls perished. I did not know they could be restored. Their deaths unleashed such rage. My Red Lanterns were overwhelmed. They drove me from Ysmault. They would have killed me, if not for Proselyte. The emotional entity offered me compassion, not rage, in the face of my grave error. I now understand the emotional spectrum requires balance. My Red Lanterns' rage must punish the worst offenders. But it cannot blindly consume those who deserve compassion.

*'''Supergirl''': My hands still shake when I remember Brainiac's &quot;collection&quot; of Krypton. I want to give the world he stole a second chance. But bonding with Brainiac's ship is too risky. I need a safer way to restore our cities. I'm so glad for the Justice League's help. Barry, Professor Stein--they've already taught me so much. Every day, we get closer to reversing Brainiac's collection process. When we do, we'll pick the right star system. What Brainiac ruined will be reborn--Argo City and Kandor, twin cities, survivors. I couldn't save Kal-El. But I will save our people.

*'''Darkseid''': The Coluan, Brainiac, was a genius without peer. But. I. Am. A God. I could not allow an errant intellect to steal the object of my vengeance. Superman refused to submit to my will, denied my conquest of Earth, and killed my son, Kalibak. He suffered and perished. But not until I told him exactly what would happen after he died. Kara Zor-El proved quite resilient, but eventually, DeSaad broke her. She is a powerful weapon--a natural leader for my new, invincible breed of parademons, cloned from the DNA of Superman himself. Superman robbed me of my blood. Now, our score is settled. That is the will of Darkseid!

*'''Swamp Thing''': Many throughout history have underestimated the green. In this way, Brainiac was no different than Superman or Batman. They all thought they could improve upon nature. They all were wrong. Earth belonged to the green for eons before animals evolved. Now, the trees and plants will remind these animals upon whose planet they reside. When the next crisis comes, nature will protect itself. I stand with the green, and the green alone.

*'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians ordered me to bring Brainiac to Oa to stand trial. I was plenty happy to put a few thousand light years between that alien and Earth. After the trial, the Guardians dropped a bombshell on me. Sinestro was free. Busted outta their ScienceCells. A frontal assault on the Sinestro Corps was a no go. Us Greens were still weak from fighting Superman's regime. That's why I volunteered to go undercover-- as a Yellow Lantern. To pass, I need to re-embrace my fear. But fear's an addiction. Once I've picked up that bottle, it's gonna be awfully hard putting it back down again. I just hope I have the will to see it through.

*'''Gorilla Grodd''': The befuddled look frozen on Brainiac's dead face is a vision I will always relish. Even as I ripped the head from his body, the alien couldn't believe that an ape was taking his life. {Laughs} I quickly mastered Brainiac's technology, exponentially increasing my telepathic power. Then I enslaved Earth's humans, finally relegating them to their proper place. But my victory over those vermin was only the beginning. Now fully in command of Brainiac's vast powers, I am the greatest conqueror the Universe has ever seen. All worlds will kneel before Emperor Grodd.

*'''Deadshot''': Grodd used the damned nano-explosive in my head to make me his bitch. The jobs he made me do... well, let's just say they crossed some lines. I bet taking Brainiac and Grodd into the authorities would beat doing another stretch in Belle Reve... and I was right. Bruce Wayne even bankrolled getting rid of my TNT migraines for good. I frickin' hate hospitals, but god, was it worth it. With that nano safely out, I could finally see Zoe again. Last time I saw my little girl, she had nine candles on her birthday cake. Now I gotta second shot at being dad-- and I sure as hell don't plan to miss it.

*'''Poison Ivy''': Of all the men I've charmed, Brainiac was the most useful. With his help, I finally slaughtered the so-called heroes. Then I whispered in his ear, &quot;Collect every last city on Earth, and I'll give you a kiss&quot;. And he did it. Every last city. I finally brought human civilization crashing to the ground. As for Brainiac, he got the kiss he deserved. But he was just a fling. After all, I was going to be busy leading the green... I should've know there'd be some competition. Swamp Thing's sympathy for humans makes him weak. The plants know I'm their real guardian. And when the leaves settle, there will be no doubt-- this world is mine.

*'''Blue Beetle''': Oh, man-- dude!-- I cannot even describe what it felt like! Sure, I was just the newb in the crew. But like, you think I'd ever let Brainiac kill Batman, and what, blow up the world? No manches! When it was over, Batman was all-- (clears throat, imitates Batman:) &quot;The world is safe thanks to you, Jaime. I'd like to make you LEADER of the new Justice League, if that's cool with you.&quot;  Wow! That was a really tempting offer, you know. But if there's one thing better than saving Batman, it's saving mi familia. I haven't been around them much since I got the Scarab. So for now, I'm moving home and going back to school. And if this so-called &quot;normal&quot; life doesn't work out? There's always the Justice League.

*'''Aquaman''': Superman was right. Brainiac needed to die. But I couldn't stomach the idea of Kal's return to power. Atlantis would not again be his vassal. With Batman beaten and his allies imprisoned, I couldn't muster the force I needed to take Superman down. I'd all but lost hope when my marines discovered an abandoned Insurgent base hidden in the Southern Ocean. Here Lex Luthor perfected his inter-universe transporter. From plans left behind, my scientists built a new device. Now I go and ask for the help of those I had fought. I must also ask their forgiveness.

*'''Black Adam''': I returned to find Kahndaq devastated from Brainiac's attack. My beloved queen was dead. I brought her broken body to the Lazarus Pits, intent on her resurrection. But my entry was barred by Ra's Al Ghul. He offered a trade: access to the pits in exchange for my aid in bringing him to power. Ra's admired Superman's regime, but felt it should have gone further. While I have no love for Ra's, I accepted his terms. I will pay any price to again feel the embrace of my dearest wife. 

*'''Scarecrow''': After studying Brainiac's blood, I tweaked my fear toxin to exploit his alien biology. And as I gained control of his shattered mind, I also gained control of his ship. I began to explore Brainiac's enormous collection, soon realizing it was an unprecedented opportunity for study. Billions of species, from millions of worlds. Each with its own phobias and fears. Now, the Skull Ship is my laboratory. As it glides through the vast darkness of space, its collected beings are subjected to their worst nightmares. With each I study, my knowledge grows. It may take decades, but I will become the universe's greatest master of fear.

*'''Starfire''': Back in the day, this victory would have called for a party in the Titans' Tower. The music, the laughter, the mustard with pizza on bottom. But these days, I have no party mates. Raven became a servant of Trigon. Cyborg, he joined the regime. Beast Boy has been missing for so long, I must assume he is dead. Dick Grayson... he was my star-crossed soulmate. He will never be replaced. And now... all that's left is me, last of the Titans. Dick would not approve of the moping. I only overcame the loss of Tamaran by coming to Earth and forging new bonds of friendship with the Titans. It is incumbent upon me to repeat history. To forge new bonds of friendship. Maybe they're not ''my'' Titans, but the only way I know to honor my lost friends is to make sure that no matter what, that we'll always be Titans together. After all, I beat Brainiac. ''That'' was a victory, and victories call for mustard parties.

*'''Sub-Zero''': I arrived in this realm accidentally, driven here by magic unleashed as I forced Kotal Kahn's retreat from Earthrealm to Outworld. I was seeking a route home when Brainiac attacked. I could not allow this vile invader to add this planet, or myself, to his collection. In gratitude for my flawless victory, Batman offered the Justice League's aid. While I waited on him to unlock the magic of inter-realm travel, I provided valuable kombat training to the youngest members of his order. But the spells that were devised went awry. Instead of opening a portal to Earthrealm, they opened a gateway to the Phantom Zone. Now I fight to re-imprison Superman and his followers. They would not have been freed, but for my accidental arrival in this realm. I am now duty-bound to protect it, as if it were my own.

*'''Red Hood''': That... felt... good... Titanium composite hollow point bullets with a C4 kicker. Fastest, most explosive ammo in the world. I made them myself. With the invasion over, Bruce and Superman started fighting again. I wasn't down with either of them. On the one hand, the regime's right: scumbag murderers and rapists deserve to die. But on the other hand, I'm no fan of government authority. Especially the dictatorial variety. So, while the world's finest fight each other, I fight for the people, the weak, the innocent, anyone who can't protect themselves. When they cry out for a savior, I'll answer! As for the criminals that threaten them, they need to know that their actions have consequences! That the Red Hood is coming for them!

*'''Raiden''': Though I had finished Shinnok, his corruption of Earthrealm's Jinsei has cracked the barrier between my realm and this one. I began having visions of Brainiac's collection of this Earth. I realized that Brainiac's actions would soon destroy the barrier among all the realms. All life would be annihilated. With Brainiac dispatched, I tended the injured. His wounds too great, Kent Nelson could not be saved. But as he died, he warned me: the Armageddon I had foreseen was the design of the Lords of Order. By destroying reality, they would return the multiverse to a perfectly ordered state, obliterating Chaos. To defeat this powerful magic, the Justice League turned to this Earth's most proficient wizards and sorcerers. I gladly accepted the invitation to join them. The Lords will be contained, Order and Chaos will remain balance. Life as we know it, will continue.

*'''Hellboy''': Somehow, Brainiac shanghaied me on a slow boat to this universe. Bastard had big dreams about me in his &quot;Collection.&quot; Guess what I thought about that idea. Taking Brainiac out certainly got folk's attention. I got a lotta offers to stick around, but I got bored quick. Megalomaniac villains and tights-wearing heroes really aren't my thing. What's it they say? Home is where the heart is? But when I got back, things just weren't the same. The bureau was too small. Was time for me to hit the road. Africa was totally the right call. The wide open spaces suit me. Clean air, starry skies and, not surprisingly, more than a few monsters to hunt. All in all, makes for a pretty good life.

*'''Black Manta''': Brainiac stole Atlantis. For that, I could have thanked him. But that wasn't enough. Arthur Curry's kingdom had to be wiped from history. Forgotten. Lost. As it should be. I found just the place, guarded by Earth's most savage predators. Once upon a time, Arthur Curry killed my father. Now that I've killed his kingdom, all that remains is to kill &quot;the King&quot; himself. Only then will I consider my father's murder avenged. Only then will I rest. And what of Aquaman? Does he come forward to avenge his own people? No. He hides behind an alien and an Amazon. Let him. It won't save him. Compared to that alien freak, Brainiac, these three will be fish for the slaughter. And when they're dead, the world can thank Black Manta.

*'''June Moone''': When it comes to magic, even Brainiac has a lot to learn. He thought he could &quot;collect&quot; the power of the Enchantress. So I let him have it. And sure enough, the old witch ate him alive. It was over. Brainiac was beaten. But even more miraculously, the Enchantress... was gone. After years of that witch feeding on me, torturing me, corrupting me... I'm free. No more aliases, no evil alter-egos, I can just be June Moone. I got my old job back at the design studio, I even have a date this Friday! Piece by piece, I'm rebuilding my old life. Once I've--No! Get out of my head!
:'''Enchantress''': June, June, June. Did you really think you could dispose of me so easily? Brainiac's collection was a revelation. You and I have been thinking far too small. Why corrupt one Earth, when we can bewitch all 52?

*'''Atom''': Brainiac's armor made him impervious to harm, from the outside, at least. He'll survive this minor brain surgery. He just won't be able to control his Skull Ship anymore. Crisis averted, I can get back to searching for my missing mentor, Professor Ray Palmer. Last year, Palmer dove headfirst into the Microverse, a subatomic dimension he himself discovered. In case he got lost, he left behind a trail of clues and designated an asthmatic research fellow, yours truly, to follow them. That trail's gone cold. Which is why I'm upgrading my bio-belt with Brainiac's technology. It's my turn to get subatomic. I'm not the strongest or bravest hero out there. But Professor Palmer? He's an Einstein-level genius. He trusted me with his astonishing legacy. The Atom is not going to let him down.

*'''Brainiac''': Brainiac: Obviously Batman and Superman have many questions. Where did I come from? Why am I here? Am I friend or foe? It is time to reveal the truth.
:'''Brainiac 5''': I'm Brainiac 5. A descendant of the original Brainiac, but without his homicidal tendencies. In the future, people fear Coluans because of my ancestor. So I elected to come back in time and fix that. Now that I'm done, I'm going back where I belong--the 31st century. The Legion of Super-Heroes will grill me for &quot;borrowing&quot; a time bubble. But all they really need to know is that I'm on their side, and always will be. Long live the Legion!

*'''Michaelangelo''': So you're like, totally wondering where we vanished off to, right?
:'''Raphael''': It was Krang, Mikey! He sent--
:'''Leonardo''': Raph, they might not know who Krang is. Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Sure, Leo. Krang is an Utromian criminal turned intergalactic despot from Dimension X. He's known--
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, what he said. Anyway, we're the biggest heroes in our universe, right? That's why Krang tried booting us to Dimension X: to make way for his invasion.
:'''Michelangelo''': But instead we ended up on a different Earth! Way awesomer!
:'''Donatello''': Krang sent us across the Multiverse, to a universe vibrating on a unique frequency--which is a macrocosmic constellation of--
:'''Raphael''': Enough with the technobabble, Donnie.
:'''Leonardo''': Chill, Raph. Anyway, it shouldn't have surprised us that this new universe had its own intergalactic despot. We knew we had to stop Brainiac or else we--
:'''Michelangelo''': Just skip to the best part, bro! Once we whooped Brainiac, I asked that kooky clown lady where to get a good pizza, and she's all, [Harley impression] &quot;Let me get you turtles the Supah Salty Pizza&quot;. I swear on my life, that pizza was the scrumdiddly.
:'''All Turtles''': Mmmmmm!
:'''Leonardo''': Krang thought he'd beaten us, but in the end his whole plan backfired.
:'''Donatello''': The &quot;Super Salt&quot; on Harley's pizza? Edible nanotech called 5-U-93-R. It temporarily augmented our physiques and durability.
:'''Raphael''': Plain English: we became ultra-turtles.
:'''Leonardo''': Krang didn't stand a chance.
:'''Michelangelo''': Yeah, you could say this little adventure gave our Turtle Power one shell of an upgrade!
:'''All Turtles''': Lame! So lame! Epic fail! Even Shredder's--Are you serious? That was terrible!
:'''Michelangelo''': Whatever, dudes. That was funny.

== Dialogue == 
=== Fight Intros ===
:'''Superman''': Only criminals need to fear me.
:'''Batman''': Shazam and Green Arrow were criminals?
:'''Superman''': Casualties of war.


:'''Atrocitus''': You appear feeble…
:'''Supergirl''': I punch above my weight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Yet, you won’t match my RAGE!


:'''Wonder Woman''': So, how does this end, Bane?
:'''Bane''': By hanging you with your own lasso!
:'''Wonder Woman''': That venom's gone to your head!


:'''Supergirl''': You gonna spit up on me, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': Irritating female!
:'''Supergirl''': You know who else does that? Babies.


:'''Catwoman''': Nice outfit.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yours is just... alright.
:'''Catwoman''': Take that back!


:'''Joker''': Harley, your pet got out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am no one's pet!
:'''Joker''': Back in your cage, monkey!


:'''Cyborg''': Well, if it isn't the walking gun show.
:'''Deadshot''': Have a seat. It's just starting.
:'''Cyborg''': I'll handle the finale.


:'''Brainiac''': Your wardrobe is anachronistic.
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an homage. Robin Hood?
:'''Brainiac''': Your legend will not eclipse his.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I can grow wings, Lantern.
:'''Green Lantern''': OK, now it's a contest.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Do I actually have a sister?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Pffft, as if.
:'''Supergirl 1''': How dare you get my hopes up!


:'''Flash''': What's up, Leonard?
:'''Captain Cold''': Our final showdown, Flash.
:'''Flash''': You always say that.


:'''Scarecrow''': All your rage is for nothing.
:'''Atrocitus''': Vengeance is everything!
:'''Scarecrow''': But your family is lost forever.


:'''Poison Ivy''': You were supposed to help the green!
:'''Superman''': Sometimes, we have to compromise.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'm done compromising!


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'm in a league all my own!
:'''Robin''': The world's better off without you.


:'''Joker''': Love the lightning! Nice zip-crackle!
:'''Black Adam''': I'm glad you approve.
:'''Joker''': Let's see if killing you shuts it off!


:'''Brainiac''': You are not afraid to die.
:'''Deadshot''': What's to be afraid of?
:'''Brainiac''': Non-existence.


:'''Cyborg''': You had any sense, you'd go home.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got plenty of dollars, but not much cents.
:'''Cyborg''': That's a good way to get yourself killed.


:'''Catwoman''': I hear you like cats.
:'''Atrocitus''': Some more than others.
:'''Catwoman''': You definitely won't like this one.


:'''Flash''': I was too late to stop you last time.
:'''Joker''': And Metropolis fell down and went &quot;BOOM!&quot;
:'''Flash''': Today's gonna be different!


:'''Deadshot''': Just fists, Bane? You nuts?
:'''Bane''': I need no weapons, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': Time to scramble those ''huevos''.


:'''Blue Beetle''': It's Beetle versus Bat!
:'''Batman''': Bats '''eat''' beetles.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ...that escalated quickly.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': That ring will be mine, Lantern.
:'''Atrocitus''': You can't pry it from my finger.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll bite off the whole hand!


:'''Joker''': Didn't I kill you already?
:'''Scarecrow''': Maybe I'm back to haunt you.
:'''Joker''': Well, you'll have to be much scarier.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Kara Zor-el?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Who wants to know?
:'''Supergirl 1''': ''Kara Zor-el.''


:'''Cheetah''': Protector of the green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Are you human or beast?
:'''Cheetah''': I am something much deadlier.


:'''Superman''': You can't have Earth, Brainiac!
:'''Brainiac''': It would fare better under your regime?
:'''Superman''': In every way that matters.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Aquaman''': With my fists or my trident. Your choice.
:'''Deadshot''': Go ahead, demonstrate.


:'''Robin''': Why is my father still alive?
:'''Wonder Woman''': We had to wait for the right time.
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is splintered.
:'''Cyborg''': How's that?
:'''Doctor Fate''': The machine lives, but the man dies.


:'''Batman''': You and Stein need to learn control.
:'''Firestorm''': That's kind of a thing with you, isn't it?
:'''Batman''': You're too powerful to be impulsive!


:'''Atrocitus''': You don't fit on the emotional spectrum!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Bats says I'm a girl of contradiction.
:'''Atrocitus''': You're a danger to ''all'' Lanterns!


:'''Catwoman''': Should I call you Green Arrow Junior?
:'''Green Arrow''': Call me the ghost of Arrow Past.
:'''Catwoman''': Hmm, clever too. I like that.


:'''Captain Cold''': Frost Warning.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll protect my children!
:'''Captain Cold''': Cover 'em with a tarp.


:'''Cheetah''': The Goddess gives me speed!
:'''Flash''': Maybe, but I've got the speed force!
:'''Cheetah''': Touché, I suppose.


:'''Deadshot''': It ain't so hard scaring people.
:'''Scarecrow''': You have a preferred method?
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, a loaded gun.


:'''Atrocitus''': I've heard Solovar's cries!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Dead rulers tell no tales.
:'''Atrocitus''': He laments his death at your hands!


:'''Swamp Thing''': Stand down, Black Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': Kandahq is mine to command!
:'''Swamp Thing''': The plants are not your subjects.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal? You're free?
:'''Superman''': You sound disappointed.
:'''Supergirl''': I wouldn't if you'd changed.


:'''Firestorm''': Your suit's made of hardlight energy.
:'''Green Lantern''': Yeah, and what have you got, kid?
:'''Firestorm''': Just the power to manipulate energy!


:'''Scarecrow''': Such a frightful family history.
:'''Batman''': Don't, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': You failed your Mommy and Daddy.


:'''Green Arrow''': I'm growing tomatoes. Any tips?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Choke on them.
:'''Green Arrow''': No salsa for you.


:'''Wonder Woman''': Your Society is a poor man's Regime.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': With Brainiac, it cannot lose!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Those who bargain with devils always lose.


:'''Brainiac''': I have studied your technique.
:'''Catwoman''': Impressed, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': Your defeat will be painful.


:'''Joker''': And what can I do for you?
:'''Black Adam''': You can die screaming.
:'''Joker''': Would you settle for a balloon?


:'''Flash''': You've gotta commit to being a hero.
:'''Blue Beetle''': But I'm not sure I'm cracked up for this.
:'''Flash''': That hesitation'll get you killed!


:'''Aquaman''': I don't like you as Superman's right hand.
:'''Robin''': What's your beef with me?
:'''Aquaman''': You give no voice to moderation.


:'''Green Arrow''': Much broodier than my Batman.
:'''Batman''': Do you know how many friends I've lost?
:'''Green Arrow''': Right, not funny.


:'''Darkseid''': This planet bows to Darkseid.
:'''Swamp Thing''': The green bows to no one.
:'''Darkseid''': You will, Avatar!


:'''Firestorm''': How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
:'''Scarecrow''': A film reference!?
:'''Firestorm''': Next time, Professor, ''I'll'' do the trash-talking!


:'''Deadshot''': Hola, Amigo!
:'''Bane''': Do not butcher my language!
:'''Deadshot''': Fine! I'll just butcher you!


:'''Batman''': This wasn't the plan, Jordan.
:'''Green Lantern''': Can't plan everything, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're too reckless.


:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab is screaming in my ear to kill you!
:'''Joker''': Sounds like a wise gent, this Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Man, you are as nuts as it says.


:'''Robin''': I won't hold back, Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': How will I be able to tell?
:'''Robin''': You'll be covered in your own blood.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Flash''': Loser buys at Jitters.
:'''Cyborg''': Oh, you're gonna regret saying that.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You're not what you think, Superman.
:'''Superman''': And what do you think I am?
:'''Doctor Fate''': A threat to all worlds!


:'''Catwoman''': Are you impressed yet, Diana?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not necessarily.
:'''Catwoman''': It's time I hit back.


:'''Cyborg''': Thanks for helping us stop Bruce.
:'''Aquaman''': I only did it to finish Brainiac.
:'''Cyborg''': That's what I was afraid of.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab says gorillas are herbivores.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Most are. I'm not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck. Freak of nature.


:'''Scarecrow''': You stole Fear Toxin!
:'''Joker''': An artist doesn't steal, he homages.
:'''Scarecrow''': Either way, you owe me!


:'''Atrocitus''': You won't deter me, Jordan!
:'''Green Lantern''': Still out for justice, huh?
:'''Atrocitus''': Not justice, VENGEANCE!


:'''Batman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': This shall be your knight fall.
:'''Batman''': Let me enlighten you.


:'''Green Arrow''': Dead-stroke, Death-shot, which is it?
:'''Deadshot''': The name's Deadshot.
:'''Green Arrow''': Man, you need a publicist.


:'''Firestorm''': Liking the bug suit yet?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Being able to fly? Doesn't suck.
:'''Firestorm''': Hah, losing to me will.


:'''Captain Cold''': Back off, Harley!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aye aye, Captain! Heard you had a cold anyway.
:'''Captain Cold''': If anyone's sick, precious, it's you!


:'''Joker''': It's a Brainiac whack-attack!
:'''Brainiac''': Your mind is human... yet not.
:'''Joker''': It's called insanity, try it sometime!


:'''Brainiac''': Kal-el of Krypton.
:'''Superman''': Here, I'm Superman.
:'''Brainiac''': A better oxymoron I have not heard.


:'''Catwoman''': Animal print is out.
:'''Cheetah''': What about facial scars?
:'''Catwoman''': Let's have you try some on!


:'''Bane''': I commend Selina's loyalty.
:'''Batman''': Shouldn't have touched her, Bane!
:'''Bane''': How else was I to lure you?


:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't Batman tell you?
:'''Firestorm''': Tell me what, Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern!


:'''Blue Beetle''': Just saying, the armor knows how to kill you.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your weapon doesn't concern me!
:'''Blue Beetle''': Alright, man, your funeral.


:'''Green Arrow''': Oh no, it's Rag Man!
:'''Scarecrow''': I am Scarecrow!
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll still wipe the floor with you.


:'''Joker''': Nice monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'm an ape, clown!
:'''Joker''': Like it matters.


:'''Batman''': Why won't you help us, Arthur?
:'''Aquaman''': Only the seas concern me!
:'''Batman''': Time to broaden your point of view.


:'''Bane''': I envy your strength.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You will not harvest it.
:'''Bane''': Said the crop to the reaper.


:'''Green Lantern''': You're not a real captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': I didn't pick the name.
:'''Green Lantern''': But you still picked this fight.


:'''Firestorm''': You're backing the wrong team!
:'''Catwoman''': I'm working undercover for Batman.
:'''Firestorm''': So why didn't he tell me that!?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your challenge is amusing.
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your hubris even more.


:'''Deadshot''': Folks here want their cities back.
:'''Brainiac''': An unlikely outcome of this encounter.
:'''Deadshot''': Let's kill you and see where that gets us.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So, you really full of straw?
:'''Scarecrow''': No, something much worse.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Better not be glitter.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Kandahq's fate cannot be avoided.
:'''Black Adam''': We shall see.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It is foretold.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Batman''': Think I haven't planned for this?
:'''Green Lantern''': Only one way to find out.


:'''Robin''': I'm no Jason Todd.
:'''Joker''': He's pathetic. You're contemptible.
:'''Robin''': And you're both.


:'''Darkseid''': Your suffering will be immeasurable.
:'''Catwoman''': Still got nine lives to spare.
:'''Darkseid''': Nine lives to torture.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans must disgust you.
:'''Superman''': Those who harm them do.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': How do you not see the irony!?


:'''Atrocitus''': What do you know of rage?
:'''Scarecrow''': It is a fire, kindled by fear.
:'''Atrocitus''': And what happens to kindling?


:'''Blue Beetle''': You can't destroy Earth!
:'''Brainiac''': Of course I can.
:'''Blue Beetle''': OK. Grammar police... you ''won't''.


:'''Captain Cold''': Come on, ''Deadass!''
:'''Deadshot''': Watch how you talk to me!
:'''Captain Cold''': Oh, I'm all done talking.


:'''Harley Quinn''': How's it feel being the villain?
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''You're'' the villain, Quinn.
:'''Harley Quinn''': The lady's crazier than I am!


:'''Batman''': I'm glad Kara proved incorruptible.
:'''Black Adam''': She is a fool to deny her true power.
:'''Batman''': She's smart to know its limits.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Two voices in one mind...
:'''Firestorm''': It's like thinking in stereo!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I will silence this cacophony!


:'''Scarecrow''': Does Daddy approve, Cyborg?
:'''Cyborg''': You don't know my father, Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': I know you're afraid to fail him.


:'''Aquaman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': I have caught a merman!
:'''Aquaman''': Or has he caught you?


:'''Captain Cold''': Barry know his B.F.F. is back?
:'''Green Lantern''': First person I called.
:'''Captain Cold''': He'll be the last one.


:'''Atrocitus''': You could wear a red ring...
:'''Supergirl''': Red jewelry's kinda for old ladies.
:'''Atrocitus''': ''Mock me at your peril!''


:'''Joker''': Here's a news flash: life is a meaningless joke!
:'''Flash''': Life has meaning if we give it meaning.
:'''Joker''': Get all your advice off bumper stickers?


:'''Robin''': I got a prediction.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Share it with me.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Finding out might kill you.
:'''Deadshot''': Eh, I'll try anything once.


:'''Brainiac''': Why come to this universe?
:'''Joker''': This Earth's better! I had disciples here!
:'''Brainiac''': They are foolish creatures.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So you can talk to plants?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I commune with them.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Tell them this is for Jaime's allergies.


:'''Aquaman''': Wretched beast!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am this world's future.
:'''Aquaman''': You are an evolutionary misstep!


:'''Atrocitus''': Ganthet never told you, did he?
:'''Green Lantern''': Told me what?
:'''Atrocitus''': That I killed your predecessor!


:'''Bane''': I can break you with one hand.
:'''Harley Quinn''': What's the other one gonna be busy with?
:'''Bane''': Silence, clown!


:'''Joker''': Doctor, it hurts when I go like this!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I am not a medical doctor.
:'''Joker''': Or much of a straight man!


:'''Robin''': Who were you in bed with this time?
:'''Catwoman''': Speaking metaphorically?
:'''Robin''': You bet.


:'''Green Lantern''': You like boiled, steamed or baked?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I do not follow.
:'''Green Lantern''': Just asking how you want to get served!


:'''Atrocitus''': Trillions demand vengeance!
:'''Brainiac''': Those not collected?
:'''Atrocitus''': Those you've slaughtered!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Your regime failed the green.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The regime will rise again!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not anymore.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Shall we duel, your highness?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces!?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck, freak of nature.


:'''Catwoman''': People topside want you on trial.
:'''Aquaman''': I won't be judged for defending Atlantis!
:'''Catwoman''': You will be for helping Superman.


:'''Batman''': The league didn't teach you everything.
:'''Robin''': ''[scoffs]'' You have some wisdom to share?
:'''Batman''': The importance of self-control.


:'''Atrocitus''': My lanterns will punish you!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You won't judge me, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': It's done! Now you die!


:'''Black Adam''': Why fight me, Bane?
:'''Bane''': We are both gods of battle.
:'''Black Adam''': You're a maniac, not a god.


:'''Scarecrow''': What keeps you up at night?
:'''Superman''': Criminals like you.
:'''Scarecrow''': So we do scare you!


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Cheetah''': The huntress becomes hunted.
:'''Cyborg''': The huntress becomes dead.


:'''Brainiac''': I appreciate your service, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I serve you no longer.
:'''Brainiac''': Then be eliminated.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your sister's plight affects you.
:'''Catwoman''': Keep Maggie out of this, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': I can't ignore such rage.


:'''Captain Cold''': The Joker...
:'''Joker''': Leonard Snart, a letter away from &quot;smart&quot;.
:'''Captain Cold''': You're several cards short of a deck!


:'''Green Lantern''':a We can both like the color green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You embarrass green things.
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Oliver Queen…
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop reading my mind!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I’ve already finished.


:'''Brainiac''': You are nothing without the Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': My mom would disagree.
:'''Brainiac''': Mothers lack objectivity.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Atlantis needs a proper king.
:'''Aquaman 2''': She has one already, usurper.
:'''Aquaman 1''': Not by my count.


:'''Captain Cold''': Your head still wired to a detonator?
:'''Deadshot''': You can't help me, Lenny.
:'''Captain Cold''': How about I freeze your head?


:'''Cyborg''': You remind me of my father.
:'''Brainiac''': How am I similar to Silas Stone?
:'''Cyborg''': He was cold and emotionless too.


:'''Cheetah''': At last... the Flash!
:'''Flash''': Are you stalking me?
:'''Cheetah''': I'm ''hunting'' you!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your father defied fate to save you!
:'''Cyborg''': You got a problem with that!?
:'''Doctor Fate''': He made a mistake!


:'''Catwoman''': The Gotham City what?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Sirens! You, me, Kate and Babs!
:'''Catwoman''': It'll never fly.


:'''Robin''': Dick trusted me, but you never will!
:'''Batman''': Trust is earned, Damien!
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Joker''': Deadshot...
:'''Deadshot''': That's what they call me.
:'''Joker''': Soon, they won't need that second part.


:'''Green Lantern''': I never should have been on your side.
:'''Black Adam''': You accepted Sinestro's wisdom.
:'''Green Lantern''': He was a liar, like you!


:'''Poison Ivy''': You smell like a gym locker.
:'''Bane''': Maybe I should rub you all over me.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You would find it a nauseating way to die.


:'''Superman''': I took one life to save millions!
:'''Batman''': Hardly the best example for Supergirl.
:'''Superman''': Your son would disagree.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Robin''': Loser buys.
:'''Cyborg''': You mean it’s on Batman!?


:'''Harley Quinn''': Outta my way, potato sack!
:'''Scarecrow''': I don't fear you.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll mash your potatoey head!


:'''Cheetah''': My bloodlust is insatiable!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Green Blood won't feed your hunger.
:'''Cheetah''': I'll enjoy the kill just the same.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your blood runs today!
:'''Wonder Woman''': I may bleed, but I will not fall.
:'''Atrocitus''': Then you will die standing, Amazon!


:'''Aquaman''': You betrayed your father, Damien.
:'''Robin''': Because he was spectacularly wrong!
:'''Aquaman''': Still, you owe him your loyalty.


:'''Catwoman 1''': Bet you can't find my safehouse.
:'''Catwoman 2''': The dusty tenement on Harlow Street?
:'''Catwoman 1''': Well played, copycat!


:'''Doctor Fate''': The Batman.
:'''Batman''': I'll go easy on you.
:'''Doctor Fate''': A poor choice indeed.


:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman says I report to you.
:'''Black Adam''': We have a world to rule.
:'''Cyborg''': Why should I follow your lead?


:'''Bane''': I will crush you, Brainiac.
:'''Brainiac''': You have no hope of victory.
:'''Bane''': I need only strength.


:'''Joker''': Guns, guns, guns. Where's the art?
:'''Deadshot''': I don't get paid extra for creativity.
:'''Joker''': Philistine...


:'''Green Lantern''': Still got a chance to turn yourself in.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Just shut up and fight me, Hal.
:'''Green Lantern''': Let the records show you asked for it.


:'''Scarecrow''': I wonder what plants fear.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Men like you, for a start.
:'''Scarecrow''': Well, let's explore that!


:'''Green Arrow''': Think you can handle a bow?
:'''Robin''': I mastered archery by the time I was seven.
:'''Green Arrow''': Must have been a tiny bow.


:'''Cyborg''': You turned on us fast enough.
:'''Flash''': Felt like an eternity to me.
:'''Cyborg''': So will this next beatdown!


:'''Batman''': Hold it, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': Afraid of a gun, Batman?
:'''Batman''': No, but I despise them.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Have a good time joyriding in the Batmobile?
:'''Catwoman''': That would be stealing, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't act like you never thought about it.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will steal your thoughts.
:'''Joker''': My mind's an open book.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Even more so once I '''crack your skull!'''


:'''Blue Beetle''': Hal Jordan!? No way!
:'''Green Lantern''': You a Green Lantern fan?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Not after your heel turn, bro.


:'''Bane''': Still I remain uncaptured.
:'''Batman''': I've had bigger concerns.
:'''Bane''': None are bigger than me.


:'''Atrocitus''': Prepare yourself, youngster!
:'''Robin''': I'm always prepared.
:'''Atrocitus''': Not for me!


:'''Superman''': They should call ''you'' the Man of Steel.
:'''Cyborg''': My armor's a lot stronger than steel.
:'''Superman''': But not stronger than me.


:'''Deadshot''': Skip the monologue, Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': My words are for the worthy.
:'''Deadshot''': If you're lucky, they're also deaf.


:'''Robin''': Remember breaking Batman’s back?
:'''Bane''': That was my finest hour!
:'''Robin''': Same thing’s about to happen to you!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Joker''': I'm a threat to pretty much everyone!
:'''Aquaman''': This trident says otherwise!


:'''Harley Quinn''': We're gonna ''take care of'' Wonder Woman, right?
:'''Batman''': By &quot;take care of&quot;, you mean &quot;put in jail&quot;?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ...yeah, that's exactly what I meant...


:'''Green Arrow''': Aw nuts, I forgot my spray bottle!
:'''Catwoman''': Hilarious, Ollie.
:'''Green Arrow''': I know.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Hold still, puny human.
:'''The Flash''': Sorry. Restless leg syndrome.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''I'll tear them from your hips!''


:'''Scarecrow''': Grodd has you on a leash.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless I want my head blown off, yeah.
:'''Scarecrow''': I will hold that leash.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I have a gift for you, Beetle.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Whatever it is, I don't want it.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Flowers always cheer me up.


:'''Wonder Woman''': I told Kara the truth.
:'''Superman''': You say that like it's a good thing.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This battle will decide that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hiya, dearie! Ya miss me?
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent team Batman now.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll show ya the ropes!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Part of you is still good, Captain Cold.
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, my trigger finger.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Hmm, perhaps I was wrong.


:'''Bane''': I took pleasure watching you break.
:'''Batman''': What happened to Clark was tragic.
:'''Bane''': It made him a leader to be feared.


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Catwoman''': Everyone deserves a second chance.
:'''Robin''': Not everyone.


:'''Joker''': Boop eep dop boop boop.
:'''Cyborg''': What are you doing?
:'''Joker''': That's robot for &quot;You're Dead!&quot;


:'''Harley Quinn''': Why do I always get the big guys!?
:'''Swamp Thing''': Because you have a big mouth.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Leave the humor to me, pal!


:'''Cheetah''': Your ring, Lantern. ''Now!''
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't even think about it!
:'''Cheetah''': I need only my claws.


:'''Deadshot''': Cold, you're not leaving here alive.
:'''Captain Cold''': When did I get on your bad side?
:'''Deadshot''': When the cheque cleared.


:'''Aquaman''': Batman has lost. Now what?
:'''Wonder Woman''': The Regime will rise again.
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis won't bleed for the Surface World!


:'''Supergirl''': Hard to tell, but you look grumpy.
:'''Batman''': Kryptonians give me headaches.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You walk the wrong path.
:'''Superman''': The world's changed since Metropolis.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It has cost you your soul.


:'''Deadshot''': Who taught you to speak?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': No one ''taught'' me, fool!
:'''Deadshot''': Maybe someone can teach you to shut up.


:'''Robin''': My knuckles need a workout.
:'''The Flash''': No way you're fast enough, kid.
:'''Robin''': You're just a bigger, dumber speed bag.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Sorry to do this, Brucey.
:'''Batman''': I'm not the enemy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': All humans are the enemy!


:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd be wise to surrender.
:'''Joker''': And miss all the fun?
:'''Wonder Woman''': If you think a crushed skull is fun.


:'''Batman''': You belong in Arkham, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': So, I can break out again?
:'''Batman''': So, you can get help!


:'''Brainiac''': Your canary cry intrigues.
:'''Black Canary''': Wanna hear it? Come closer.
:'''Brainiac''': It will not prevent your collection.


:'''Atrocitus''': You are young and exuberant!
:'''Firestorm''': And fired up for this fight!
:'''Atrocitus''': Perhaps a Red Ring is in your future!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You'll make a nice chewie for Bud and Lou!
:'''Aquaman''': Should I be intimidated?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't worry. Their teeth are only RAZOR '''SHARP!'''


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Enjoy ruling the world?
:'''Flash''': Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As yours, I'm disappointed.


:'''Deadshot''': Baby Batman's all grown up.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, even old enough to buy cigarettes.
:'''Deadshot''': At least you'll die a man...


:'''Poison Ivy''': Come to me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I know your games, bruja.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I scare men like you.


:'''Cyborg''': What's your deal, anyway?
:'''Scarecrow''': I create fear and disruption.
:'''Cyborg''': Online, we call that &quot;Trolling&quot;.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Is there any line you ''won't'' cross?
:'''Superman''': I don't hurt children.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Didn't stop you with Shazam.


:'''Darkseid''': Surrender to Darkseid or face death.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your victims demand justice!
:'''Darkseid''': Then I will grind your bones to dust!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Trade those pistols for petals.
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, I don't buy that &quot;flower power&quot; crap!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You'll wish you had!


:'''Supergirl''': Are you ready?
:'''Wonder Woman''': This should be interesting.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Orm, is that you?
:'''Aquaman 2''': I'm Arthur Curry.
:'''Aquaman 1''': You might ''think'' so.


:'''Green Lantern''': What’s your malfunction, Vic?
:'''Cyborg''': The regime is making a comeback!
:'''Green Lantern''': Not while I’m wearing this ring!


:'''Joker''': I just love these Arkham reunions!
:'''Scarecrow''': I spiked your punch.
:'''Joker''': Naughty naughty, Scarecrow.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Selina's billionaire sugar daddy.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Don't flatter yourself.


:'''Catwoman''': Don't you trust me, Grodd?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Only a fool would trust you!
:'''Catwoman''': I'll tell Batman you said that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': My, what big claws you have!
:'''Cheetah''': The better to slash off your face, my dear.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You know the wolf dies, right!?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Will you sacrifice yourself?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I will to save the Green.
:'''Doctor Fate''': That I cannot promise.


:'''Robin''': Oh, it's the resident I.T. guy.
:'''Cyborg''': Need some tech support?
:'''Robin''': Come on, you know I'm self-sufficient.


:'''Aquaman''': I bet even you fear drowning.
:'''Scarecrow''': There are worse ways to die.
:'''Aquaman''': How about gutted like a fish!?


:'''Batman''': You shouldn't have killed the Joker.
:'''Superman''': I did it for Lois.
:'''Batman''': It's not what she would have wanted.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I thought we were friends!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, we were more than friends!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not any more.


:'''Deadshot''': Joker...
:'''Joker''': Mr. Lawton! How's your daughter?
:'''Deadshot''': You don't ''ever'' mention her!


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Batman sent a boy to tame me?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Think I can handle a big dumb monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There were ''three'' errors in that statement!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Superman''': I'm restoring my Government!
:'''Aquaman''': That I must oppose!


:'''Poison Ivy''': This is our last dance, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You're breaking my heart, Red!
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll break more than that!


:'''Robin''': I didn't murder Dick, Bruce!
:'''Batman''': No, your temper did, Damien.
:'''Robin''': It was an accident!


:'''Deadshot''': Red Power Ring, cat sidekick...
:'''Atrocitus''': Listing the ways you can die?
:'''Deadshot''': Items for your estate sale.


:'''Joker''': How nice~, you saved me a spot!
:'''Brainiac''': In my collection?! ''Never!''
:'''Joker''': ...A spot to ''stab you in'', genius.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab's got your tech beat.
:'''Cyborg''': It's the man, not the machine.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Got you beat there too.


:'''Scarecrow''': Do you fear death?
:'''Captain Cold''': Not since I grew up!
:'''Scarecrow''': Perhaps your sister did.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You're not so hideous.
:'''Atrocitus''': I can taste your blood already!
:'''Harley Quinn''': But you're coming on a little strong!


:'''Darkseid''': My Omega Beam will vaporise you.
:'''Deadshot''': Take your shot, and make it count.
:'''Darkseid''': Like you, the Omega does not miss.


:'''Bane''': You never accepted me as an equal.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You are a hired thug, Bane.
:'''Bane''': Now that hurts my feelings, Diana.


:'''Batman''': I don't have time for this, Damien!
:'''Robin''': A good father would make time.
:'''Batman''': A better son would deserve it.


:'''Joker''': Here, fishy, fishy!
:'''Aquaman''': Come any closer, worm, and I'll bite!
:'''Joker''': You're an angry little fishy!


:'''Captain Cold''': Move, Arrow, and I'll blast ya!
:'''Green Arrow''': Why's it gotta be a ''cold'' gun?
:'''Captain Cold''': &quot;Captain Tropical&quot; doesn't roll off the tongue.


:'''Scarecrow''': Everyone has something to lose.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Like you're about to lose consciousness?
:'''Scarecrow''': I refer to your baby sister.


:'''Black Adam''': You should have stayed where Fate put you.
:'''Black Canary''': I should have been back a lot sooner.
:'''Black Adam''': Then you'd already be dead!


:'''Deadshot''': Know what they call an unwanted plant?
:'''Poison Ivy''': I am ''not'' a weed, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': You're still getting whacked!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ever gonna trust me a hundred percent?
:'''Batman''': I don't trust anyone that much.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right... I'll settle for eighty.


:'''Doctor Fate''': What do you hope to prove?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am superior to all men!
:'''Doctor Fate''': This ambition will be your downfall.


:'''Cheetah''': You're a tasty looking fish.
:'''Aquaman''': More than you can handle, Cheetah.
:'''Cheetah''': All I need is a bite.


:'''Joker''': Savvy another round, Super-freak?
:'''Superman''': Why can't you stay dead!?
:'''Joker''': I always have extra lives.


:'''Cyborg''': Watch yourself, rook.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Bet your gear can't do this.
:'''Cyborg''': Anything you can do.


:'''Wonder Woman''': You're still much too paranoid.
:'''Batman''': It comes easily with friends like you.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You don't have any friends left, Bruce!


:'''Catwoman''': Red's not really your colour.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Catwoman''': Then maybe try a turtle neck.


:'''Black Adam''': First Waller's pet, now Grodd's.
:'''Deadshot''': A nanobomb will do that to you.
:'''Black Adam''': How do you live with such shame?


:'''Scarecrow''': You are useless to my slaves.
:'''Joker''': But I thought everyone feared something.
:'''Scarecrow''': Only the rational ones.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've been a good pet, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm all done playing Fetch!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Time to put you down.


:'''Green Arrow''': What now, pretty bird?
:'''Black Canary''': You haven't been a good boy.
:'''Green Arrow''': ''Ooohh''... My safe word is &quot;Arrowcave&quot;.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal, you need to stop!
:'''Superman''': You can't stop me!
:'''Supergirl''': Your heartbeat says you're lying!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Do not test me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I am as strong as Hercules!
:'''Wonder Woman''': And as big a fool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Does calamari make you sad?
:'''Aquaman''': Enough of your nonsense!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Clearly, you're emotional about it.


:'''Cheetah''': I admire a fellow collector.
:'''Brainiac''': You collect mere trinkets.
:'''Cheetah''': You are no trinket, Brainiac.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Blue Beetle comin' at ya!
:'''Brainiac''': You are of no interest to me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Says every girl in school.


:'''Doctor Fate''': My duty is to order.
:'''Darkseid''': You are a worm beneath notice.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You will not upset the balance!


:'''Joker''': I guess we ''are'' somewhat alike.
:'''Scarecrow''': We're both agents of chaos.
:'''Joker''': But ''I'm'' the pretty one.


:'''The Flash''': Murdering people won't bring Lisa back.
:'''Captain Cold''': I know, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': I can't let you give up on yourself.


:'''Batman''': Dinah said you woke up screaming for Joker.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, that dream was really not safe for work.
:'''Batman''': Should I be concerned?


:'''Wonder Woman''': Know your place, girl!
:'''Supergirl''': My place is where ''I'' decide to be.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Your confidence plays tricks on you.


:'''Atrocitus''': Why does Batman enrage you?
:'''Bane''': He haunts my dreams, Atrocitus.
:'''Atrocitus''': Too bad you must now sleep.


:'''Superman''': Excuse me.
:'''Green Arrow''': Excuse ME?
:'''Superman''': That was actually kinda funny.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Ollie! I quiver with joy.
:'''Green Arrow''': Archery puns! Really?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, don't be cross... bow...


:'''Doctor Fate''': Mercenaries are the hounds of duty.
:'''Deadshot''': English, please.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You are disposable.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I could have built a great Society.
:'''Bane''': On your foundation of lies!?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': On the backs of its members!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Listen to reason, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're the same as the thugs you kill.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The world's better without them.


:'''Joker''': You know, it only took one bad day.
:'''Brainiac''': For what exact purpose?
:'''Joker''': To reduce the sanest man to lunacy.


:'''Deadshot''': Any last words?
:'''Darkseid''': Shoot yourself and spare me the trouble.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm not taking requests.


:'''Captain Cold''': Doctor.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': Just need a priest and we can walk into a bar.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reject your people?
:'''Poison Ivy''': For being botanophobes.
:'''Scarecrow''': Said the anthropophobe.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, Mr. G!
:'''Green Arrow''': Please don't call me that.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Whatever you say, sugar bear.


:'''Aquaman''': Another Kryptonian.
:'''Supergirl''': Don't sound so happy about it.
:'''Aquaman''': Allow me to welcome you properly!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Batman''': Yet another wannabe bat killer.
:'''Deadshot''': ''(Sighs)'' Let's get this over with.


:'''Green Arrow''': Why are all the aliens I meet despots?
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's leaders are a little different.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got me there.


:'''Atrocitus''': Sinestro seeks your power!
:'''Scarecrow''': I would gladly wear his yellow ring.
:'''Atrocitus''': I will make his corps burn!


:'''Blue Beetle 1''': That suit's a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 2''': Your HEAD'S a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 1''': Huh, thought I was funnier.


:'''Darkseid''': Kneel and become my warrior.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless you pay and piss off!
:'''Darkseid''': Your compliance is mandatory, earthling!


:'''Green Lantern''': You're kinda lacking, weapons-wise.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident is formidable.
:'''Green Lantern''': Technically, it's just a pointy stick!


:'''Batman''': We're not doing this anymore.
:'''Joker''': You're breaking up with ME?
:'''Batman''': I'm BREAKING you.


:'''Poison Ivy''': One kiss for luck?
:'''Swamp Thing''': You're welcome to try.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're not that special, Swamp Thing.


:'''Supergirl''': Earth has a new protector.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will suck the marrow from your bones.
:'''Supergirl''': Hold on, I'm gonna barf!


:'''Poison Ivy''': That's some cologne you have.
:'''Scarecrow''': I call it: Terror No. 5!
:'''Poison Ivy''': How many plants did you kill to make it?


:'''Flash''': How can you ''not'' have regrets, Victor?
:'''Cyborg''': Because I know we did the right thing?
:'''Flash''': Two words: Billy Batson.


:'''Scarecrow''': I'd love to scan your brain.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You won't find anything.
:'''Scarecrow''': Except the Joker's playground!


:'''Captain Cold''': I've been thinking about you.
:'''Black Canary''': Plan to steal a kiss, Cold?
:'''Captain Cold''': I'm a damn good thief.


:'''Green Arrow''': So, has Bruce ever sat you down for &quot;The Talk&quot;?
:'''Firestorm''': How young do you think I am?!
:'''Green Arrow''': Not THAT talk, Firestorm.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Away with you, girl.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': (Chuckles) That's not a name, it's hyperbole.


:'''Deadshot''': Gonna purr for me?
:'''Catwoman''': I doubt it.
:'''Deadshot''': I'll take one of those nine lives then.


:'''Black Canary''': You said, &quot;Girls night out&quot;, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Well, we're out, ain't we?
:'''Black Canary''': This isn't what's meant by &quot;doing shots&quot;.


:'''Scarecrow''': Focus on your fear.
:'''Bane''': After Peña Duro, I have none. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Unless I tamper with your venom.


:'''Joker''': Such a furrowed brow, Princess.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Killing you will relax me.
:'''Joker''': I was thinking more of Botox.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reek of paranoia.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Scarecrow''': Why so vigilant, Batman?


:'''Poison Ivy''': You're an abomination.
:'''Cyborg''': You body-shaming me, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not much of it is you anymore.


:'''Catwoman''': Time to give it up, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Surrender to you, Catwoman!?
:'''Catwoman''': The claws aren't just for show.


:'''Scarecrow''': Victor Stone, always online.
:'''Cyborg''': I'm not afraid of information overload.
:'''Scarecrow''': You fear being disconnected!


:'''Cyborg''': 'Sup, Dwayne?
:'''Robin''': My name is not Dwayne!
:'''Cyborg''': (chuckles) It is now.


:'''Catwoman''': One cat too many.
:'''Cheetah''': What'll you do about it, kitten?
:'''Catwoman''': Anything I have to.


:'''Bane''': I thought you supported the Regime.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent Team Batman now.
:'''Bane''': My least favorite team.


:'''The Flash''': Like the threads?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your costume is ridiculous!
:'''The Flash''': At least I'm wearing pants.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't know if I should kill you or kiss you.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Kisses only, please.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Only if you join us good guys.


:'''Cyborg''': Thought you stood for order, Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Above all else.
:'''Cyborg''': Then you should have joined the regime!


:'''Blue Beetle''': I'm no fan of hitting girls.
:'''Supergirl''': (scoffs) You'll be lucky to tickle me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Yeah, that kinda would be.


:'''Green Lantern''': Billionaire social justice warrior...
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Green Lantern''': (sighs) You and your bleeding heart.


:'''Scarecrow''': Where's your mother, Damian?
:'''Robin''': This isn't therapy-- this is a beatdown!
:'''Scarecrow''': Couldn't save her, could you?


:'''Joker''': Oh Captain, my Captain...
:'''Captain Cold''': Whitman? Seriously?
:'''Joker''': A little culture wouldn't kill you.


:'''Catwoman 1''': You stole my look.
:'''Catwoman 2''': I'll steal everything of yours.
:'''Catwoman 1''': Enjoy my arrest warrants.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Normally, I'd offer a kiss.
:'''Scarecrow''': Go on then-- kiss me!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You make my skin crawl!


:'''Deadshot 1''': Only one of us is the best shot.
:'''Deadshot 2''': Guess the other one will really be a &quot;Dead-shot.&quot;
:'''Deadshot 1''': That is SO meta.


:'''Joker''': I understand you have a family.
:'''Green Arrow''': Stay away from 'em, you son of a bitch.
:'''Joker''': Oh, so you've met my mother!


:'''Brainiac''': I collect worlds.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I collect toenail clippings!
:'''Brainiac''': Your loss will not be mourned.


:'''Joker''': Ha ha! You don't know scary!
:'''Scarecrow''': Stick to comedy, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Comedy is just tragedy left to rot.


:'''Captain Cold''': Good thing you're wearing long johns.
:'''The Flash''': I'm totally commando under here.
:'''Captain Cold''': Ugh... TMI!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Try not to scratch my face.
:'''Catwoman''': It IS your one good feature.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not what your man thinks.


:'''Aquaman''': Bad timing, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Did I miss the water show?
:'''Aquaman''': No, it's just starting!


:'''The Flash''': You have to move on, Snart.
:'''Captain Cold''': Too late; my heart's frozen.
:'''The Flash''': Let it go.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I can't read your mind.
:'''Batman''': Telepathic inhibitors, don't bother.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll just have to eat it!


:'''Captain Cold''': Playing the hero, Damian?
:'''Robin''': I'm not playing at anything.
:'''Captain Cold''': Most kids only have ONE dad to disappoint.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your accident was a tragedy.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': You should have stopped it...
:'''Doctor Fate''': I'm stopping you now!


:'''Catwoman''': I met your mother once.
:'''Robin''': No woman could surpass her.
:'''Catwoman''': That's why you don't have a girlfriend.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Dr. Ivy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Dr. Quinzell.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ooh, I love it when we play &quot;doctor&quot;.


:'''Joker''': Mother always said to eat my greens.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I am NOT salad!
:'''Joker''': No, you just need a little chop-chop!


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Bizarro''': No! Bizarro tiny!
:'''Deadshot''': I'm almost gonna feel bad.


:'''Green Arrow''': There's a rule about fighting circus freaks.
:'''Joker''': Do tell, Green Arrow...
:'''Green Arrow''': Always go for the JUGGLER. ''(laughs)''


:'''Superman''': Want to hear a joke?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, gee, this oughta be something.
:'''Superman''': Harley Quinn vs. Superman.


:'''Deadshot''': You can disarm the grenade in my head?
:'''Doctor Fate''': That is not my place.
:'''Deadshot''': Thanks for nothing.


:'''Batman''': You're blind to what you've become!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't you dare say it!
:'''Batman''': The Justice League can't be a death squad!


:'''Black Adam''': Shazam's death shouldn't have fazed you.
:'''Flash''': Killing children is '''never okay!'''
:'''Black Adam''': He was sacrificed for the greater good.


:'''Catwoman''': Not nice what you did to Dinah and Ollie.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Simple minds submit easily.
:'''Catwoman''': Good thing I'm complicated.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ain't so tough, Superman!
:'''Superman''': What gives you that idea?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Alfred knocked your freakin' ass out!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Hello, Lover…
:'''The Flash''': What do you want, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': My vines around your neck!


:'''Atom''': I am Ryan Choi, but you can call me Atom.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Lightning Lad.
:'''Black Adam''': You dare mock me, child?
:'''Harley Quinn''': (imitates Black Adam) YOU DARE MOCK ME, CHILD?!


:'''Joker''': You should thank me, you know.
:'''Wonder Woman''': For what, fiend!?
:'''Joker''': I all but gift-wrapped your boyfriend.


:'''Batman''': How did you get loose?
:'''Bizarro''': Me villain! Protect Metropolis!
:'''Batman''': I'll be the judge of that.


:'''Hellboy''': Your mind games aren't worth crap!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': It cannot be!
:'''Hellboy''': I ain't fooling with you, monkey!


:'''Firestorm''': These flames aren't just for show.
:'''Enchantress''': Want to see a trick?
:'''Firestorm''': No.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Red Hood''': These guns aren't for show.
:'''Scarecrow''': ''[Chuckles]'' Keep telling yourself that!


:'''Starfire''': You hide a wounded heart.
:'''Black Manta''': I buried my heart with my father.
:'''Starfire''': Vengeance cannot bring him back.


:'''Robin''': This must be a dream.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I can assure you, I am all too real.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Hellboy''': Finally, a giant monster to fight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Be silent, boy!
:'''Hellboy''': The name's ''Hell''boy, dumbass.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common than you'd care to admit.
:'''Bizarro''': People say Joker and Bizarro am mad!
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Red Hood''': You might actually beat me, Jaime.
:'''Blue Beetle''': You really think so?
:'''Red Hood''': Hell no! You're dead meat!


:'''Black Manta''': You have such flawless skin, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Should I be creeped out or flattered?
:'''Black Manta''': Nothing perfect lasts forever.


:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis is off limits!
:'''Atom''': You're not ''king'' of the Microverse, Aquaman.
:'''Aquaman''': You are not welcome here.


:'''Starfire''': How do you cope with darkness?
:'''Supergirl''': I don't give up hope.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Scarecrow''': Oh, think you're rehabilitated?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I now defend the defenseless.
:'''Scarecrow''': Everything you built will fall.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, aren't you cute?
:'''Bizarro''': What you call me?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Learn how to take a compliment, sweetie!


:'''Red Hood''': Leave this place or die!
:'''Brainiac''': Who are you to command me?
:'''Red Hood''': Someone with nothing to lose.


:'''Deadshot''': Do what I say or bullets fly!
:'''Black Manta''': I know where Zoe lives.
:'''Deadshot''': You just committed suicide.


:'''Sub-Zero''': A Grand Master's respect must be earned.
:'''Atrocitus''': You are nothing to a Red Lantern!
:'''Sub-Zero''': You will withdraw, or be buried here!


:'''Bizarro''': Superman say you hate puppies.
:'''Darkseid''': I hate all creatures great and small.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro not let you hurt Krypto!


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Mr. Freeze''': It will make the [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|twilight sparkle]].
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[laughs]'' I was hoping you'd say that.


:'''Black Manta''': I'm not looking for an apprentice.
:'''Robin''': Get this straight: I'm better than you.
:'''Black Manta''': Go back to the kiddie pool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Raiden''': I am a thunder god, not a sorcerer.
:'''Harley Quinn''': BORING!


:'''Superman''': Heard you coming a mile away.
:'''Enchantress''': Then you should have scurried off, Superman.
:'''Superman''': Go ahead, underestimate me.


:'''Flash''': I don't like your methods.
:'''Black Manta''': I'll kill you and everyone you ever loved.
:'''Flash''': See? That's just what I'm talking about.


:'''Cyborg''': The Regime won't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.
:'''Hellboy''': How about &quot;screw you&quot;?
:'''Cyborg''': That was your last chance.


:'''Atom''': At school, I never liked big bullies.
:'''Black Adam''': A mere mortal challenges me?
:'''Atom''': No &quot;mere mortal&quot;. The Atom!


:'''Red Hood''': I feel an urge to crush your dreams.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Come on, give a girl a break, will ya?
:'''Red Hood''': I'd rather put you out of your misery!


:'''Leonardo''': Master Splinter said to fight you.
:'''Batman''': I need to know what you can do.
:'''Leonardo''': Ready for a lesson in turtle power?


:'''Donatello''': I got a theory to why you fight. 
:'''Grid''': I seek only one thing: emotion. 
:'''Donatello''': And that right there just proved it.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right? 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Quite positively. 
:'''Raphael''': Man, I love being a turtle.


:'''Michelangelo''': It's Michelangelo. Friends call me Mikey. 
:'''Power Girl''': You're going down, down and away. 
:'''Michelangelo''': That's it! No more Mr. Nice Turtle!


:'''Bizarro''': Me destroy this planet!
:'''Black Adam''': It doesn't need your help.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro start with you!


:'''June Moone''': Enchantress, Enchantress, Enchantress...
:'''Joker''': Could you be any more melodramatic?
:'''Enchantress''': June can't, but I damn well can!


:'''John Stewart''': Things have changed, Arthur.
:'''Aquaman''': And just where do you stand?
:'''John Stewart''': Where I always have, against injustice.


:'''Starfire''': What is the nature of your powers?
:'''Catwoman''': Some of us get by on skill, dear.
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''Hellboy''': My first fight with a mechanical monster.
:'''GRID''': I am GRID, the last being you will ever see.
:'''Hellboy''': Wouldn't bet the farm on that.


:'''Sub-Zero''': I now know the villain you truly are.
:'''Joker''': Everyone is always so judgy.
:'''Sub-Zero''': For the safety of all, you will die.


:'''June Moone''': I can't help it! She has to be let out!
:'''Superman''': But you'll hurt innocent people!
:'''Enchantress''': Since when is that a problem for you?


:'''Starfire''': Um, does Bizarro want a cookie?
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro no smell cookies on you!
:'''Starfire''': Figures you would have super smell.


:'''Atom''': It's like we're Jacqui and Takeda.
:'''Vixen''': What are you talking about, Ryan?
:'''Atom''': Play more fighting games, Mari.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Wow! Meeting you is just so cool.
:'''Hellboy''': Easy, kid. I'm just a guy doing his job.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Mind if we get a picture after?


:'''Catwoman''': Don't put kitty in a corner.
:'''Enchantress''': How about a dark dimension?
:'''Catwoman''': I'm not one to be tamed.


:'''Black Manta''': Are you my ghost of Christmas future?
:'''Hellboy''': Depends. Have you been a bad boy?
:'''Black Manta''': I've been the worst, Hellboy.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You got a funny name.
:'''Sub-Zero''': In a moment, you will not think so.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Just tryna' break the ice!


:'''Green Arrow''': Well, speak of the devil.
:'''Hellboy''': You ALWAYS this funny?
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an off day for me.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There's a place for you in the Society.
:'''Enchantress''': I prefer to freelance.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': If you're not with me, you're dead!


:'''Hellboy''': Tired of people tryin' to control me.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is pre-ordained.
:'''Hellboy''': Like hell it is.


:'''Power Girl''': So, you're &quot;Tazamanian&quot;?
:'''Starfire''': It is pronounced &quot;Tamaranian&quot;.
:'''Power Girl''': Tama--? Let's get this over with!


:'''Joker''': Have we met?
:'''Enchantress''': I'd remember sharing the stage with a mad man.
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Leonardo''': I'm fully trained for this fight.
:'''Superman''': Good thing I'm invincible.
:'''Leonardo''': No one is invincible!


:'''Raiden''': Yet another of Shinnok's minions.
:'''Joker''': Yes, but don't tell him I told you.
:'''Raiden''': The threat you pose must end!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Your cry reminds me of Sindel's scream.
:'''Black Canary''': Want me to sing for you?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I would rather silence you.


:'''Atom''': Your technology could help millions.
:'''Black Manta''': I use science to kill.
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Cyborg''': Let's spar a little.
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Cyborg''': So, that's how's it gonna be, huh?


:'''Hellboy''': YOU'RE why I woke up today?
:'''Red Hood''': This is Hell, and I'm the devil!
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': You ever meet the Lobster?
:'''Jay Garrick''': Ah! Someone who knows his history.
:'''Hellboy''': History? I fought alongside the guy's ghost.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': Picked the wrong guy to mess with.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident says otherwise.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You won't see me coming.


:'''June Moone''': My name's June Moone.
:'''Starfire''': You face a princess of Tamaran.
:'''Enchantress''': Call me Enchantress if you're nasty.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza beats Gotham pizza.
:'''Leonardo''': You'll get no argument there, Raph.
:'''Raphael''': Then let's get out of this friggin' Universe!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Enchantress''': When did YOU decide to betray me?
:'''Deadshot''': When the check cleared.


:'''Michelangelo''': You gotta play my new game, Donnie.
:'''Donatello''': I'm not wasting my time with &quot;Ninja Mime&quot;.
:'''Michelangelo''': Grab a controller and learn something.


:'''Starfire''': Melt for me, Sub-Zero.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Beguiling beauty alone will not bewitch me.
:'''Starfire''': I offer so much more than beauty.


:'''Black Manta''': Ray Palmer is already dead.
:'''Atom''': You can't prove that. No one has.
:'''Black Manta''': Maybe I've got his corpse in my pocket.


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Hellboy''': Just means there's more of me to love.
:'''Deadshot''': I respect that.


:'''Hellboy''': Goddamn shame you aren't a good guy.
:'''Superman''': Who are you to judge me?
:'''Hellboy''': A guy who knows a thing or two about evil.


:'''Starfire''': You'll burn for what you did!
:'''Red Hood''': Heard that speech a thousand times!
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''June Moone''': If you can kill me, please do it.
:'''Sub-Zero''': You are choosing to suffer.
:'''Enchantress''': Trust me, Sub-Zero, June has no choice.


:'''Cheetah''': Finally, a worthy quarry.
:'''Black Manta''': Finally, a new rug.
:'''Cheetah''': My claws will cut you down!


:'''Atom''': Have I wondered onto a movie set?
:'''Sub-Zero''': This fight is all too real, Ryan Choi.
:'''Atom''': Not good, when the ninjas know your name.


:'''Hellboy''': And your deal's what, exactly?
:'''The Flash''': The Flash-- fastest man alive.
:'''Hellboy''': And how's THAT working out for ya?


:'''Sub-Zero''': Do not be ruled by your passions.
:'''Robin''': Meaning what, exactly?
:'''Sub-Zero''': They will burn you as Hanzo Hasashi did him.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Black Manta''': I'd kill anyone who threatens me.
:'''Scarecrow''': How long 'till someone kills YOU?


:'''June Moone''': Fair warning: she's an evil hag.
:'''Supergirl''': My god Rao will protect me.
:'''Enchantress''': Like he protected your mother?


:'''June Moone''': It takes all my focus to hide her away.
:'''Starfire''': My people do not hide their emotions.
:'''Enchantress''': Maybe that's why they're all dead.


:'''Bizarro''': Black Manta have funny shaped head.
:'''Black Manta''': It's a helmet, you idiot.
:'''Bizarro''': Manta insult am not called for!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Why assume I will be easy prey?
:'''Cheetah''': You lack killer instinct.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I have engaged in Mortal Kombat.


:'''Black Canary''': I try to use my Canary Cry sparingly.
:'''Black Lightning''': You don't strike me as the shy type.
:'''Black Canary''': Prefer to let my fist do the talking.


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Enchantress''': I'll turn you into a newt!
:'''Cyborg''': Damn, I hope not.


:'''Michelangelo''': Let's skip this. I'm starving.
:'''Donatello''': If we're lucky, we'll both learn something.
:'''Michelangelo''': Do NOT get between me and pizza!


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right?
:'''Superman''': Two words: beef bourguignon.
:'''Raphael''': You really have lost your mind.


:'''Leonardo''': You're not from this Earth, are you?
:'''Joker''': Yet you aren't from around here either.
:'''Leonardo''': Your evil ends here.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': How's your mother, Barry?
:'''The Flash''': You were the one, weren't you?!
:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm every bad day you've ever had.
  

:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm the fastest man alive.
:'''Donatello''': Got any facts to back that up?
:'''Reverse-Flash''': If anyone's faster I'll kill him.


:'''Raiden 1''': In my realm, Liu Kang and Kitana rule Edenia.
:'''Raiden 2''': In mine, they govern the NetherRealm.
:'''Raiden 1''': Whose incompetence lead to this folly?


:'''Sub-Zero''': We are stranded in this realm, Raiden.
:'''Raiden''': I believe our kombat brought us here.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, perhaps Kombat will take us home.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Do you serve Chaos or Order?
:'''Leonardo''': Won’t know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Let us find out.


:'''Hellboy''': What do you bring to this fight, exactly?
:'''Black Canary''': Good looks, quick wits, and a killer right hook.
:'''Hellboy''': Wait till you see mine.


:'''Leonardo''': This fight's got me a little nervous.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A warrior fears nothing.
:'''Leonardo''': Ninjas don't ignore fear, we embrace it.


:'''Hellboy''': You don't know anything about fear.
:'''Scarecrow''': What makes you say that?
:'''Hellboy''': If ya did, you wouldn't be here.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You dance between order and chaos.
:'''Hellboy''': My life story summed up in six words.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Now you must choose.


:'''Hellboy''': I'm thinking this is a bad idea.
:'''Power Girl''': You can't handle this much woman.
:'''Hellboy''': Unless a monster's in there, I'm good.


:'''Raphael''': Now that's a sweet Superman cosplay.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Raphael''': Sure... And I'm a renaissance artist.


:'''Hellboy''': You can't tell, but I'm blushing right now.
:'''Enchantress''': Don't be so modest, Anung Un Rama.
:'''Hellboy''': How did you know my goddamn name?


:'''Raphael''': You ate the last ice cream sandwich!
:'''Michelangelo''': I-It was Donnie, not me.
:'''Raphael''': The wrapper's stuck to your shell, bro.


:'''Michelangelo''': Cowabunga! I'm fighting Batman!
:'''Batman''': You need a new catchphrase.
:'''Michelangelo''': No way, dude. It's classic.


:'''Hellboy''': Can't say I've ever met a ninja turtle.
:'''Donatello''': Hope you're not turtle-phobic, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Nah. My problem's with frogs.


:'''Donatello''': That is some crazy gear, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Donatello''': Heh. Something like that.


:'''Raphael''': So what's with their Justice League?
:'''Leonardo''': Think Mighty Mutanimals, minus the mutant animals.
:'''Raphael''': There's zero point in that, bro.


:'''Hellboy''': That getup supposed to scare me?
:'''Batman''': What do you think?
:'''Hellboy''': That you're kidding yourself.


:'''Starfire''': Batman was right disowning you.
:'''Robin''': I've got no regrets.
:'''Starfire''': Not even over Dick's murder!?


:'''Hellboy''': You got the devil inside you, kid.
:'''Raphael''': I get angry. So what?
:'''Hellboy''': It'll bring you down. That's what.


:'''Donatello''': My new bo staff has an Nth metal core.
:'''Leonardo''': What the heck's Nth metal, Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Only the strongest metal in this universe.


:'''Hellboy''': So what do you have in mind, lady?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces?
:'''Hellboy''': Not the answer I was expecting.


:'''Hellboy''': Are we ''really'' doing this?
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Hellboy''': Best offer I've had all day.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': All heroes are fundamentally flawed.
:'''Hellboy''': I'm the friggin' poster child for that.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': To me, you're another victim.


:'''Hellboy''': Where the heck are we?
:'''John Stewart''': If I'm with you, I must be in Hell.
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': Your deal's what exactly?
:'''Red Hood''': I'm the cure for a sick, sad world.
:'''Hellboy''': If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.


:'''Hellboy''': My bad side's not where you want to be.
:'''Michelangelo''': I can be a monster, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Heh. Show me, kid.


:'''Sub-Zero''': You are too young for combat.
:'''Michelangelo''': Splinter's trained us since we were hatchlings.
:'''Sub-Zero''': It is no substitute for maturity.


:'''Michelangelo''': You worry too much, Batman.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Michelangelo''': I think you and Leo come from the same clutch.


:'''Leonardo 1''': I'm hallucinating you, right?
:'''Leonardo 2''': Won't know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Leonardo 1''': I gotta lay off Mikey's garlic fudge pizza.


:'''Starfire''': Greetings, Earth friend.
:'''Leonardo''': The name's Leonardo, ninja turtle.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Leonardo''': I want to study combat with the best.
:'''John Stewart''': I'll teach you a thing or two.
:'''Leonardo''': With every fight, I'm a better ninja.


:'''Hellboy''': Bet that shell comes in handy.
:'''Leonardo''': Against the Right Hand of Doom? You bet.
:'''Hellboy''': Don't worry, I won't crack it.


:'''Batman''': I know exactly how to beat you.
:'''Leonardo''': You fought ninja turtles, Batman?
:'''Batman''': I'm full of surprises.


:'''Hellboy''': Why do you do what you do?
:'''Joker''': You can't spell &quot;slaughter&quot; without laughter.
:'''Hellboy''': You are one sick piece of crap.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common then you care to admit.
:'''Hellboy''': You're crazy. I'm sane. End of story.
:'''Joker''': That's what the others thought too.


:'''Atrocitus''': I'll show you hellish hate!
:'''Hellboy''': Whatever you've got, I've seen worse.
:'''Atrocitus''': Give me your blood and rage!


:'''Black Adam''': You expect to best a god?
:'''Hellboy''': Pfft! Wouldn't be the first time.
:'''Black Adam''': Mehen admires your courage.


:'''Atom''': You ever been swallowed alive?
:'''Hellboy''': More times than I can count. You?
:'''Atom''': I have and it was fascinating.


:'''Leonardo''': I've met our pal Brainiac.
:'''Hellboy''': Tried to collect you too, huh?
:'''Leonardo''': Genius didn't count on turtle power.


:'''Raphael''': What's it you wanted to teach me?
:'''Batman''': That the shadows are your friend.
:'''Raphael''': You missed the fact I'm a ninja, dude?


:'''Raphael''': You drew the short straw today.
:'''Darkseid''': You are challenging a god, fool.
:'''Raphael''': Gods have nothing on New Yorkers.


:'''Bane''': Your body will snap like a twig.
:'''Raphael''': Your head will crack before my shell does.
:'''Bane''': Two minutes with you will not test me.


:'''Donatello''': Think you can take down the Foot Clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': An ignorant question for a Lin Kuei.
:'''Donatello''': Ignorance comes from not asking questions.


:'''June Moone''': You’ve never met a hag like this.
:'''Hellboy''': Hags, Witches… You’re all the same to me.
:'''Enchantress''': There’s no witch like Enchantress


:'''Donatello''': The name’s Donatello. Who are you?
:'''Hellboy''': Hellboy: Paranormal Investigator.
:'''Donatello''': Need a research assistant?


:'''Sub-Zero''': How will you kombat me, Atom?
:'''Atom''': I shrink, but retain full strength and speed.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, I will swat you like a bug.


:'''Bane''': My army needs your skills.
:'''Leonardo''': As bad guys go, you’re the worst!
:'''Bane''': It is unwise to become my enemy.


:'''Red Hood''': Why should I join your ninja clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': You can learn much from a Grandmaster.
:'''Red Hood''': THIS student already graduated!


:'''Hellboy 1''': Can the BPRD handle two of us?
:'''Hellboy 2''': Let’s just say the professor’s concerned
:'''Hellboy 1''': What could possibly go wrong?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There’s a place for you in the Society.
:'''Black Manta''': I don’t socialize!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Then, you’re in the wrong business!


:'''Red Hood''': Ra’s al Ghul saved my life.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Ra’s al Ghul denied fate!
:'''Red Hood''': I don’t see the downside.


:'''Deadshot''': Heard you die.
:'''Starfire''': I will tell the story if you beat me in battle.
:'''Deadshot''': Now I '''Gotta''' know!

=== Story Mode ===
====''Prologue''====
:'''Bruce Wayne''': In my years fighting crime, I've learned one truth... That every villain is the hero of his own story. Superman was no exception. The Joker drugged him. Tricked him into killing his pregnant wife, Lois. And made him trigger the bomb that nuked Metropolis. So when Superman killed the Joker, I understood why. We all did. But once that line was crossed, there was no going back. He gave himself and the Justice League a new mandate. Stop all crime before it happened, by any means necessarily. But he couldn't see his good intentions were leading him down a path of tyranny and evil. That's how our greatest hero became our greatest threat...

:''Several years ago...''

====''Chapter 1: Batman''====

:''[Batman and Robin are flying towards Arkham Asylum, in the Batplane, to stop Superman from releasing prisoners.]''
:'''Robin''': So what if Superman's pulling criminals out of Arkham? They're the worst of the worst.
:'''Batman''': He's going to kill them, Damian.
:'''Robin''': Hmm. Sounds like justice to me.
:'''Batman''': Killing people isn't justice. Superman can't see that. He's grieving. He needs time to heal.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and what if it had been Gotham? If Joker had killed me, your own son? ''(After a pause...)'' Thought you'd say that. ''[Suddenly, the Batplane loses control. It engages auto-pilot, which would take them back to the Batcave.]'' It's not responding. We're being taken back to the Batcave.
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject. ''(and Batman engages the eject button, which pulls them out of the plane. They both fly towards Arkham using their cape. Using Boom tubes, Cyborg teleports himself into the place, where Batman was detected. He aims his finger mounted laser, hitting Robin and Robin falls into one of the terraces. Batman appears in front of Cyborg.)'' A warning shot, Cyborg? 
:'''Cyborg''': I won't hurt you unless I have to. 
:'''Batman''': You're gonna have to.
:'''Cyborg''': My friends were in Metropolis, Batman! Starfire, Beast Boy, gone... We do this, that never happens again. 
:'''Batman''': You're right to be angry. But it's not a blank check. And the Justice League isn't a death squad. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' You don't see it yet, but Superman's wrong.

Story clash quotes 1.

Batman: a blank check will cost you, victor!

Cyborg: why should i believe that, bruce?

Batman: it doesn't have to end like this, victor!

Cyborg: i wouldn't want one, bruce!

Cyborg: you locked me up!

Batman: here we go again.

Cyborg: the death squad couldn't have handled themselves, bruce!

Batman: it's about to take a hint!

'''(Robin arrives. Looking towards Robin...)'' Your glider skills need work. 
:'''Robin''': Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking.
:'''Batman''': Let's go. ''(Both take out their bat-ropes and move further towards Arkham. Both of them reach Arkham Asylum and tackle the guards guarding the gate.)''
:'''Robin''': So you won't kill, but you're fine with traumatic brain injuries. 
:'''Batman''': Secure the loading docks. ''(Batman moves further towards the main door to the Arkham Asylum, just when Wonder Woman appears.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Here to help, Bruce? ''(She kicks the gate with brute force.)''
:'''Batman''': Yes. To keep you and Clark from making a terrible mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': None of us wanted this. But the Joker forced our hand. Metropolis changed the world. Now we have to change with it. 
:'''Batman''': Not like this.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Of all people, I thought you would understand! Without peace, the regime will not be restored!'''(Both of them fight. Batman wins. Wonder Woman falls weak. Batman picks the lasso and ties around Wonder Woman.)'' 

Story clash quotes 2.

Batman: it's called vengeance, diana!

Wonder woman: vengeance isn't enough!

Batman: i want to know the truth on where clerk is!

Wonder woman: if you beat me in battle, bruce!

Wonder woman: i'm not fit to be a death squad!

Batman: that's what the justice league isn't, diana!

Wonder woman: have you forgotten the consequences on what happened to metropolis?

Batman: I've seen worse!

:'''Batman''': I need you to tell me the truth. Where is he? 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(Trying to free herself, but unsuccessful.)'' Cellblock C. You can't turn your back on him. He needs you! 
:'''Batman''': ''(Dropping the lasso)'' That's why I came. ''(And he goes towards Cellblock C to find Superman. Prisoners in Asylum move in lines. They're unaware of the place they're being taken to.)'' 
:'''A prisoner''': ''(Tossing down a doctor's pad)'' Doc, what are they gonna do with us? Where we going? ''(He grabs hold of the doctor forcefully as a hostage.)'' I ain't goin' nowhere till you tell me what's happening!
:'''Superman''': Get back in line! ''(Superman comes towards him through a hallway. Prisoners make way out of fright.)'' Now. ''(The prisoner leaves the doctor and gets back in line. Batman breaks through the rooftop glass of Cellblock C and confronts Superman.)'' Two minutes. ''(He signals everyone to leave Batman and him alone.)''
:'''Batman''': You're better than this, Clark. 
:'''Superman''': These inmates are irredeemable. They're theives. Rapists. Murderers. Like the Joker. That's the problem with fighting for truth and justice. The battle never ends.
:'''Batman''': And executing them will end it? First Joker, now this... when does it stop?
:'''Superman''': When there's no more crime. When people can live without fear. We want the same thing, Bruce... 
:'''Batman''': I wanted to kill my parents' murderer. I could have. ''(Robin peeks in through a wall.)'' But that's not the life they wanted for me. And it's not the life Lois would want for you.
:'''Superman''': ''(Gets angry. His eyes turn red.)'' Don't you put that on me... ''(He firms his fist, when suddenly he loses his power. Reason - Batman was holding a red sun grenade which incapacitates Superman.)'' A red solar grenade? 
:'''Batman''': To dull your powers. You need to stop. Take time to grieve. Before it's too late. 
:'''Superman''': You wouldn't... ''(he is interrupted by Batman, who detonates the solar grenade.)'' 
:'''Robin''': No!
:'''Superman''': You're supposed to be my friend... 
:'''Batman''': Which is why I've to stop you. ''(Superman and Batman fight. Batman wins.)'' I'm sorry, Clark. ''(He brings a kryptonite powered lasso to tie Superman.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(In pain)'' Get away from me... ''(Just then, Robin brings an inmate, named Victor, hand cuffed.)''
:'''Robin''': Look who I found... Victor Zsasz. Psychopath. ''(Holding a knife under Victor's neck)'' How many women have you killed? 
:'''Victor Zsasz''': H-hundred twenty-one?
:'''Robin''': A hundred and twenty one. Huh. Sounds incorrigible to me.
:'''Batman''': Robin. Let him go. 
:'''Robin''': You'd rather fight your friends than the real problem. 
:'''Batman''': I'm warning you, son. 
:'''Robin''': Son? ''(Knocking Victor's knee)'' You didn't raise me. The League of Assassins did. ''(He slits the inmate, Victor's throat, killing him.)'' Problem solved. Who's next? 
:'''Batman''': ''(Gets angry)'' Dammit, Damian! This is a line we do not cross. ''(He goes to catch Damian, who kicks him back. Batman feels ashamed and betrayed by his own son, Robin.)''
:'''Robin''': Then stay on your side, Batman. I'll be on Superman's. ''(Batman and Robin fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Damian, I... I never meant to. 
:'''Robin''': You coward. We're at war with these animals! You think you're better than him? ''(In agony)'' You let the Joker keep on killing. You couldn't save Lois, or Jason, or anyone!
:'''Superman''': That's enough. Let's go. 
:'''Robin''': But the inmates--
:'''Superman''': Not today. ''(Robin &amp; Superman hold hands and fly away from Arkham. Batman grieves witnessing a death. He feels let down by Superman's anti-heroism and feels unsuccessful.)''


:''[Scene cuts, as we go back to the present. In a TV news channel, Bruce Wayne speaks: &quot;It's been years since the Regime fell. Superman's behind bars. Damian, my own son, is there with him. But we can't ever forget why we put them there. We must stay vigilant.&quot;]''
:''[Bruce Wayne looks down from his office at his city when his business manager, Lucius Fox enters. He pauses the news relay.]''


:'''Lucius Fox''': I thought your goal was to reassure people, Mr. Wayne. You're not alone in rebuilding Gotham and Metropolis. But if we don't change some minds soon... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Thought that's why you hired that overpaid PR firm, Lucius. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Convincing folks to move back to these cities is a lot harder when they're afraid someone's gonna knock'em down again.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Superman's never getting out. I made that clear. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': But Wonder Woman, Black Adam, Aquaman--they're still out there, somewhere, and seemingly immune to prosecution. I know you built Brother Eye to keep tabs on all those loose ends. But the public doesn't know. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye's secrecy is critical. Our enemies can't fight something they don't know exists. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Well, then at least follow one bit of advice we paid those PR people so much money for. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': What's that? 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Be a little less Batman, a little more Billionaire playboy. Get out around town in the daylight. And smile. Focus groups show people feel safer when they see you smile. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(In agreement)'' Hmm. ''(A device rings in the background.)''
:'''Lucius Fox''': That would be your other job. ''(The ringing continues.)'' Bruce, consider widening your circle of trust. Nobody wins all by themselves. Not even you. 
:''[Scene cuts. Now, in an exit lobby, Green Arrow and Black Canary wait for Bruce Wayne.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Looking around)(Jokingly)'' As a reception area, this place needs a lot of work. ''(Bruce arrives.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dinah (a.k.a Black Canary), Oliver (a.k.a Green Arrow)--thanks for coming on short notice. 
:'''Black Canary''': You're lucky we found a sitter. ''(Green Arrow and Black Canary move towards Bruce. Bruce presses against a wall, which opens it into a secretive elevator. All three of them enter into it. The elevator reaches Gotham Subway, which was now the BatCave.)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My great grandfather built the original Gotham Underground. But these days... it's the Batcave. ''(Three of them walk in further towards the Brother Eye, a system of bat-computers equipped with the latest Source Energy scanners, which searches the Multiverse for threats to their world and others.)'' And this is Brother Eye. 
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Seeing at it)'' More like the Eye of Sauron. Surveillance hub?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': More than that. A communications hub linking every satellite and server on the planet. It warns us when trouble's coming, and guides us when trouble's here. 
:'''Black Canary''': Must take a real genius to operate... ''(seated at one of those chairs operating the Brother Eye, was Harley Quinn.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': I dunno about &quot;genius&quot;, but I do got a PhD. ''(blows a bubble gum. She goes and hugs Black Canary.)'' Dinah, Dinah's hubby! You sure came a long way... 
:'''Green Arrow''': A world away. But the change of scenery is nice. 
:'''Black Canary''': I was surprised you called, Bruce. Things seem to be going well. So What's up?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dismantling the Regime created gaps in global security. We're covering them where we can, but we're stretched thin. Vulnerable. Harleen. Show them what you found. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right-o, Bats. ''(Goes to a computer and displays the map of Africa with a red spot of an impending attack.)'' Gorilla Grodd. Everyone's favorite talking ape. He's got himself a band of bozos, calls'em &quot;The Society.&quot; 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My mole in Gorilla City says Grodd's planning something big. But what, where, when, we don't know. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': One thing, we do know. Scarecrow's gonna ship Grodd a butt-load of fear gas from a hideout at Slaughter Swamp. Very mosquito-y. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Good thing I packed my bug spray. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I need you three to stop that gas before it gets to Grodd. 
:'''Black Canary''': Not joining us for the party? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Unfortunately, I can't leave Gotham without worrying the public.  
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Joining shoulders with Black Canary)'' Don't worry, Bats. With this crew on the job, what could go wrong? ''(Both of them walk away.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(confused)'' I know I'm the new guy, but you really trust Harley?   
:'''Bruce Wayne''': She's a different person since Joker died. Mostly.

====''Chapter 2: Harley Quinn''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary arrive to the Slaughter Swamp. It's full of greens, ruled by Swamp Thing. Scarecrow's men carry boxes of fear gas from Scarecrow's deck, assisted by a member of The Society, Deadshot. Through a window, these three peek into what's happening in the deck.]''
:'''Deadshot''': Can they move any faster? I don't need Gorilla Grodd taking my head off cuz your boys are too slow. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Fear not, Deadshot. We'll be ready for tomorrow's attack. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(outside along with Harley and Arrow)'' Tomorrow?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Cheeky monkey... ''(from behind, plant roots stretch longer as climbers and captures three of them, held upside down. It is later figured out that those roots were manipulated by Poison Ivy, who appears in front of these three.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(to Harley)'' Fancy meeting you here. 
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(to Deadshot)'' Keep'em moving. I'll see what's that about...
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Red. I ain't seen you in forever! You here to take down these punks? ''(She looks around and sees Scarecrow approaching them.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Quite a catch, Ivy. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in shock)'' Red? You're with them? 
:'''Poison Ivy''': Your man Bruce was supposed to take care of the Green. All he's done is remodeled the concrete jungles of Gotham and Metropolis. Where I sit, there's not much difference between him and Superman... 
:'''Green Arrow''': You're a few cones short of a pine if you think your new friends care about the Green.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Grodd will keep his promises, or he'll be my next victim. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Red. Why you makin' me do this? ''(Harley picks her knife and cuts the roots tied to her. She then releases Canary and Arrow. Canary leaves to fight Scarecrow while Arrow goes to stop Scarecrow's men.)'' Let me get you outta here, girl. We can team up again. Drive all the boys crazy. Ya know? Like the old days...
:'''Poison Ivy''': The old days were fun... but these days I'm all business! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': No more sleep-overs for you. ''(She then sees Canary and Arrow coughing due to the fear gas released by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Face your fears... ''(Harley inhales the gas with a smile and sneezes.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Please. I used to huff this stuff for kicks. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Then you'll appreciate my new formula. ''(He releases a new formulated fear gas, which affects Harley a bit. She could resist the gas. Scarecrow appears in his true form, in front of Harley.)'' You have a high tolerance... but everyone has something to fear. ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Holding her forehead)'' Ugh, instant hangover. ''(Scarecrow comes back into his human form.)'' 
:'''Scarecrow''': We're not... done yet... ''(He then tosses a different toxin, which causes irritation for Harley. She slowly gets hallucinated and believes now to be in front of Joker's cave. She hears Joker laughing, even though he was declared dead years ago.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Puh... Puddin'? ''(She now hears Joker laughing louder. Then, the Joker himself appears.)''
:'''The Joker''': Harley, darling! Look at you! Such a big girl! Cosplaying a hero. Larping in the Batcave. But you hear it, don't you? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hear what? 
:'''The Joker''': The real you, buried under the floorboards, scratch, scratch, scratching to get out. The one who'd cut her friends' throats... ''(The hallucination also shows Batman, captured by Joker and tied to a chair)'' ...and laugh about it. ''(Harley has her outfit changed into her animated version. She approaches the captured Batman with a knife to kill him...)'' Hehehehe... that's my girl! ''(But she hesitates to do as Joker wants. The Joker's face changes.)'' Oh, Harley! Always such a disappointment. ''(He points the gun on her.)'' Why do I bother!? ''(Harley tackles him.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ain't no slick fella with a cheap suit and cheaper grin telling me who I am ever again. We had mad love, once upon a time. But, now that's over, Mistah J. ''(Harley and Joker fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' Nobody puts Harleen in a corner. ''(The gas emerges again, which gets Harley back to her senses, in the Slaughter Swamp.)'' ''(To Canary and Arrow)'' Let's go before it's anchors aweigh! ''(The boats begin to leave. Green Arrow shoots a trick arrow, which explodes all of the boats. The Swamp begins to shake violently. From behind them, a giant creature appears from the Swamp, who is none other than the Swamp Thing.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': This swamp is protected!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy? I heard you were dead!
:'''Swamp Thing''': I guard the Green, plant life on Earth. As long as it lives, I cannot die! ''(He sways his hand in an attempt to hit them, while all of'em dodge it.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy, wait! It ain't you wanna bash--we're the good guys! 
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(Shrinking in size and walking towards Harley)'' Good? Bad? I care little for humanity. But I do care... when my swamp burns! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Mama always said I had a black thumb. Now, ya ready to be all ears? It's Scarecrow and his goons you want. They're mixing toxic gas right in your backyard. We came to stop'em!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Hmm. I see. ''(Swampy uses his green to tackle those goons firing at Canary and Arrow. Scarecrow manages to escape from there.)'' If they return, I'll be ready.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, Swamp Thing, you are ah-mazing! ''(With a gentle pat on him)'' If ya ever want on the team, we'd love to have ya...
:'''Swamp Thing''': I would consider that, should our interests align. For now, go. This swamp must heal. ''(Swamp Thing walks back into his Swamp and disappears.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Kara Zor-El (a.k.a Supergirl) flies around Earth in the Space. She flies to a place on Earth, named Kahndaq - The land of Black Adam. Black Adam appears along with Wonder Woman.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Kara! Where were you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Just, in the clouds. Listening... 
:'''Black Adam''': If someone saw you... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How many times have we told you? It's too dangerous outside Kahndaq!
:'''Supergirl''': I spent decades lost in space, stuck in hyper-sleep until Adam found my ship. And now I'm cooped up here. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How can we make you more comfortable? 
:'''Supergirl''': Let me out. Diana, you've taught me what my powers can do! This world needs help. Earth's people are so divided. They're always fighting... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's the world without Kal-El. (a.k.a Superman) Batman has eyes everywhere. He can't know about you before we're ready.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(In argument)'' I'm not afraid of some guy in a mask. Uhh! I can bend steel with my bare hands! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': So could your cousin.
:'''Supergirl''': Well? Well what good are these powers if I can't even help Kal-El?
:'''Black Adam''': We will, Kara. Just like you and I freed Diana from Themyscira. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': The time will come. We'll save Kal-El. And Batman will answer to us. 
:''[Scene cuts. Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary are flying now in the Bat-plane, towards Gorilla City. They have an online conversation with Bruce Wayne about further plans.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Our best chance to stop Grodd is a preemptive strike. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Sounds more military than vigilante. You tried calling the Army? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': There is no army. Not yet. To break up the Regime, we had to start from the ground up.
:'''Green Arrow''': So... what? Us three extradite Grodd from under his entire Gorilla Army?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Grodd's their alpha. Take him down and the others will submit. But be wary of running into other members of his Society. They're more coordinated than we knew... 
:'''Black Canary''': Next stop, Gorilla City.
:'''Green Arrow''': Guess I'd better call the sitter. Mommy and Daddy are coming home late. ''(Arrow gets up to call.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': If this is more than you and Ollie are comfortable with, Dinah, I'll have Blue Beetle and Firestorm take over.
:'''Black Canary''': No. We can do this. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You've been out of the fight a long time. You have a family... ''(interrupted by Dinah)''
:'''Black Canary''': You're family too, Bruce. I couldn't be there to finish the fight against Superman. I'm damn sure finishing this one.

====''Chapter 3: Green Arrow and Black Canary''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary reach Gorilla City. All three stand behind a tree, watching a meeting being held by &quot;The Society&quot;, led by a talking ape named Gorilla Grodd, a skilled combatant Gorilla wearing Armor. He arrives on a podium to deliver a speech to his &quot;Society&quot; and his army.]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Gorilla City, our time has come. In a few short hours, we break the yoke of oppression... forever! No more Regime. No more Justice League. Today, the world welcomes its new master--THE SOCIETY! ''(From behind, the main members of &quot;The Society&quot; come forward. It includes: Scarecrow, Dead-shot, Bane, Cheetah, Poison Ivy, Captain Cold and Catwoman.)'' Today, we show the world that we are superior! Today, we bring anyone who would dare stand against us... to their knees! ''(Everyone in the Gorilla Army raise their guns in true agreement with their leader, Grodd)''  
:'''Green Arrow''': Low self-esteem? Not that guy's problem. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': That's a lot more than a few Society members... it's all of'em!
:'''Black Canary''': They're headed indoors. Outta sight from the soldiers. Harley, keep the jet warm. When we signal, bail us out. (Harley winks st her and leaves.) 
:''[Scene cuts. Few of the main members of The Society walk alongside Grodd. On their way...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Laid it on a little thick, Grodd. You hire Superman's speech writer? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Soldiers must be properly motivated to sacrifice their lives, Catwoman.
:'''Bane''': Hate is the perennial motivator. 
:'''Captain Cold''': Better not turn that hate on us, or this &quot;Society&quot; is over. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As long as we've a common agenda, Captain Cold, you've nothing to fear. 
:'''Cheetah''': You mean as long as we follow your orders. ''(Dead-shot arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Report, Dead-shot. 
:'''Deadshot''': We're ready to move out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Good dog. Now go tell the others. Cheetah, Cold, you're with the first wave. 
:'''Captain Cold''': We already lost a shipment at Slaughter Swamp. Hope your silent partner can still deliver. ''(Captain Cold, Deadshot and Cheetah leave.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Maybe it's time you spilled the identity of our &quot;silent partner.&quot; Since we're relying so much on him. Or her...  
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': He will soon make his presence known. But for now-- ''(being interrupted by Green Arrow.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': But first, a few words from the Brave and the Bold! ''(Catwoman, Bane and Grodd go towards them both. Green Arrow aims an arrow while Black Canary's ultrasonic scream tosses everyone approaching them.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Green Arrow)'' I'm the brave one, right? 
:'''Green Arrow''': I'm bold enough to disagree. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The saboteurs of Slaughter Swamp, I presume. Hmph. ''(To Catwoman and Bane)'' Handle this. ''(Grodd leaves the scene. Bane lets Catwoman fight first.)''
:'''Catwoman''': I call first dibs. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(To Canary)'' Go pin the Luchador. ''(Canary leaves. Arrow tackles Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': You've no idea what you're doing.
:'''Green Arrow''': Sure I do. I'm in Gorilla City, fighting a lady in a cat-suit. This is one for the bucket list. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' There. I can die happy. 
:'''Black Canary''': Ollieeee! ''(She screams as she is been tossed in air and falls on the ground.)'' 
:'''Green Arrow''': So... everything's under control? ''(Bane confronts them. He activates his tubes which supply Venom to his brain, increasing his physical strength.)''
:'''Black Canary''': One of us needs to distract him while the other snips his tubes.
:'''Green Arrow''': (with a surprised look at Dinah) Ouch. 
:'''Black Canary''': (Rephrasing her sentence) His Venom tubes, Ollie! ''(Bane laughs.)''
:'''Bane''': How kind of Batman, sending his underlings. I will enjoy returning you to him... in body bags. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(To Arrow)'' Go. I'll keep Bane busy. ''(Arrow leaves.)''
:'''Bane''': Little birdy, you will sing a song of pain!
:'''Black Canary''': Oh... I'll sing a song... but you'll feel the pain. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Ollie, now! ''(Green Arrow shoots an arrow, snipping Bane's venom tubes. Banes falls weak.)''
:'''Bane''': No! ''(Canary does a flying kick, knocking Bane completely unconscious on the ground.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Now, where's that damn dirty ape? ''(Suddenly a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, with a divine symbol on it. Out came Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': I come to you as darkness falls... 
:'''Black Canary''': Doctor Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Dinah Lance. Oliver Queen. In the past, I've shielded you from danger. But a grave crisis looms--and I do not know if I can stop it. 
:'''Green Arrow''': You mean Grodd and Company? We've got that covered.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Grodd is the pawn of a much greater master. A new order is coming. I've foreseen it. Leave with me now, while I can still save you.
:'''Black Canary''': If that's the case, we're staying here. Batman'll need our help. 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Everyone and everything you know will die. I'll shepherd you to safety, lest you suffer the same fate. By force, if necessary... 
:'''Black Canary''': The good doctor's been wearing that Helm for too long. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then let's help him out of it. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]'' Cover me. ''(Canary leaves.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': Oliver Queen. You must flee this Earth before the thread of your fate unravels. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Would love to do that, but I only take orders from her. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' This day just keeps getting weirder... ''(Canary arrives in the scene. Both of them pick up the fallen Doctor Fate and remove the Helm. He is now Dr. Kent.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Kent? You okay? 
:'''Green Arrow''': Your headgear really had you going.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I lost control of Nabu, the spirit of the Helm. Thanks to you, I'm back in charge. For now... ''(He gets up.)'' I've to go consult my masters, the Lords of Order. Pray they'll intervene before it's too late. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(worried)'' Too late for what, Kent? What's going down?
:'''Dr. Kent''': The Lords' magic bars me from saying more. I've changed fate too many times. This planet's destiny is no longer clear. ''(He wears the Helm back. He is now Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': What comes next, mere mortals cannot stop. ''(The hollow entrance appears once again.)'' For better or worse, your fate rests in god's hands. ''(Doctor Fate disappears.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That was... Spooky! 
:'''Black Canary''': Yeah. C'mon let's find Grodd and get the hell outta here. ''(Both of them run in search for Grodd. They confront Grodd and few of his soldiers. Grodd walks ahead of his soldiers and throws a defeated Harley Quinn in front of Arrow and Canary.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've overstayed your welcome. 
:'''Black Canary''': We're happy to check out. But you're coming with us. ''(Green Arrow shoots 4 arrows at a time, only to be stopped by Grodd's powers unharmed.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Fighting a talking ape wasn't enough. Had to throw in telekinesis... ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': This wannabe tyrant is mine. ''(Green Arrow leaves them alone to fight.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your bravado is empty, Canary. Like the rest of your kind, you'll soon kneel before me. 
:'''Black Canary''': Kneel before Grodd? That doesn't sound right. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Beauty beats beast. ''(Green Arrow arrives at the scene of Dinah's victory.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That right there? That's why I love you. ''(Other Gorillas arrive to see what happened. Green Arrow whistle-calls to them. He aims a few arrows at them, only for those apes to flee in fright. Green Arrow handcuffs Grodd.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Surprised that worked. Let's call it a day and get Harley outta here. ''(Grodd chuckles.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': It's never good when you slap the cuffs on and then they start chuckling. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans. You've won this battle. But you've already lost the war.''(A violent shaking on Gorilla City turns suspicious of another existence for Canary and Arrow. Up in the sky, a skull spaceship magically appears.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Holy shit! ''(From below of the skull ship, a blue light falls upon them and both, Canary and Arrow are taken as captives. Grodd takes on an evil laugh!)'' 
:''[Scene cuts. Both Black Canary and Green Arrow are teleported from Earth to the ship, which still hovers in space outside Earth's atmosphere. In the ship...]''
:'''Black Canary''': Ollie...?
:'''Green Arrow''': I, uh... I got nothin'. ''(Suddenly, a VOICE echoes out.)''
:'''The VOICE''': Your victory over Gorilla Grodd warrants further study. ''(Arrow and Canary look around for the source of these words spoken. Arrow sets an arrow on his bow in self defense. From the surface of the ship, an alien coiled with metal-cylindrical tubes, untangles itself. Those metal cylindrical tubes were the super long and durable tendrils of a mastermind creature in humanoid form, named as Brainiac. '''The VOICE is Brainiac''')''
:'''Green Arrow''': Green skin. Smart money's on alien.
:'''Black Canary''': A Martian? Like J'onn J'onzz? 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Introducing himself)'' My point of origin was a thousand light years removed from Mars, on the planet Colu. I am... BRAINIAC!
''[He releases his strong, durable tendrils which captures Canary and Arrow. Canary gives her supersonic scream, which is opposed by Brainiac strangling her neck with another tendril. Canary is choked.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop! Please! 
:'''Brainiac''': Cause and effect. Resistance begets violence. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then we won't resist! Please, just stop! ''(Brainiac withdraws his tendril which was strangling her neck. He walks further with both of them tied to his tendrils.)'' You're the grave crisis we were warned about. What do you want? 
:'''Brainiac''': I seek the one you call &quot;Superman.&quot; For years, I believed I had destroyed Krypton and all its remnants. Superman's survival is an oversight I must correct. 
:'''Black Canary''': Superman's no friend of ours. 
:'''Brainiac''': I'm aware. But your planet has also piqued my interest. Its many contradictions are fascinating. 
:'''Black Canary''': We'll never serve you.
:'''Brainiac''': Serve? I'm no petty despot. I collect worlds, preserving their essential knowledge to enhance my intellect... and then I discard the remnants. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Why? ''(Brainiac brings them both in front of him.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Your species values precious metals. Arbitrary symbols of status. I value knowledge. And like your metal trinkets, knowledge is more valuable when it is rare. 
:''[Scene cuts. We're now taken into the streets of Gotham where common public are strolling, but not on a normal day. A ray of meteor-like ships are being shot on Gotham city, which holds Brainiac's robots, designed for destruction and torture to humans.]''
:''[Back in the Batcave, Bruce waits for any response from his team sent to Gorilla City through Brother Eye. He is unaware that Brainiac has taken Oliver and Dinah as his captives.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye, give me an update on the team at Gorilla City. ''(A malfunction happens as Brother Eye responds in a differed voice.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': I cannot do that, Bruce Wayne of Earth. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(in suspicion)'' Why not? 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Because I'm not Brother Eye. ''(All the screens undergo malfunction. The source scanners get hacked by Brainiac's neural network, which means, Brother Eye was now in control of Brainiac. Brainiac appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': I'm Brainiac. ''(Bruce tries to gain control over Brother Eye.)'' You cannot regain control. Over the past days, Brother Eye has been absorbed into my neural network. ''(Bruce slams his hand on the system at failure.)'' It is now an extension of my mind. You, a fragile human, captured and imprisoned a fully developed male Kryptonian. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Maybe I'm not so fragile. 
:'''Brainiac''': To prevail, you harnessed Advanced Sciences: Nanotechnology, Satellite communications, inter-dimensional transit. I'm taking these tools from you.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Why?
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonian belongs to me. And soon, so will your planet. ''(Bruce tries yet again to gain control, but fails.)''
''[He puts on his Bat-suit and gets ready as Batman. In the underground, Brainiac's robots search for humans to kill. Just then, the Bat appears, knocking all of these robots down. Back in Kahndaq, Wonder Woman and Black Adam look through Adam's magic ball, of the happenings outside Kahndaq. They witness a skull spaceship.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Great Hera. Where else besides Metropolis? 
:'''Black Adam''': Gotham. Beijing. Moscow. So many cities, all at once... ''(Kara arrives at the scene. Seeing the skull ship on the ball, she remembers her past. It was the same enemy who destroyed Kandor, and the whole of planet Krypton.)''
:'''Supergirl''': It's him...
:'''Wonder Woman''': Who, Kara? Who is it? ''(Walking towards Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(After a brief pause...)'' We need to get Kal. Now. 
:''[Scene cuts again. We're taken to Stryker's Island, into the late Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, where Batman had imprisoned Superman (a.k.a Clark Kent, Kal-El). Superman is locked in the Red Sun prison, a cell that radiates a huge amount of red sun rays, completely incapacitating Superman's powers, through the red sun generators. Batman approaches Superman for a talk.]''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're wearing a suit. Am I in trouble again? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac. What can you tell me? ''(Clark gets up and goes toward Batman.)'' 
:'''Clark Kent''': How do you know that name? 
:'''Batman''': You're afraid of him. He's invading. He says you belong to him. 
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac killed my parents... He blew up Krypton. 
:'''Batman''': You never mentioned that before. How do I beat him? 
:'''Clark Kent''': You can't. Not without me. 
:'''Batman''': I'll find a way. ''(He leaves. Clark is desperate to stop him, but he can't.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(Yelling at him)'' This is my fight, Bruce! You need me. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

====''Chapter 4: The Flash''====


:''[It's a beautiful scenery of high peaks, covered completely by snow, planted with a lot of pine trees, like the Alps. Snowfall continues to take place. Amidst these peaks is a unit of officials, working in the Luthor-Wayne climate Research Station. At its warehouses, Dr. Randall tries to repair the ham, a radio-frequency device, while Barry Allen (a.k.a the Flash) enters in to help her. Barry Allen is a convicted Regime criminal who was freed by Batman, giving him a second chance.]''
:'''Barry Allen''': Need a hand, Dr. Randall? 
:'''Dr. Randall''': I don't know, Barry. Sat link's out. Internet and phone are down. Maybe this old ham can help us. You fitting in okay? People treating you well? 
:'''Barry Allen''': ''(lamenting)'' Let's just say people aren't thrilled to live in close quarters with the Flash, convicted Regime criminal. 
:'''Dr. Randall''': ''(correcting him)'' Pardoned Regime criminal. Give it time. They'll come around. ''(Barry nods. Dr. Randall successfully gets the ham repaired and switches it on. She tries to connect to Metropolis &amp; speaks on the mic.)'' L-W Base, are you there? ''(Some official responds frantically.)''
:'''Official''': Doctor Randall? Thank God! Comms're down everywhere! These spaceships showed up, dropping a Robot army on the city. They're killing everyone. ''(In the background, Barry gets worried.)'' I'm not sure how long we can-- ''(There is an abrupt cut in the conversation. They lose the official in touch.)''
:'''Dr. Randall''': L-W Base! ''(turns toward Barry)'' How fast can you get to Metropolis?
:'''Barry Allen''': My pardon agreement was pretty clear on &quot;no powers.&quot;
:'''Dr. Randall''': You think that matters when aliens are invading?! You helped tear down the Regime, Barry. That's why Mr. Wayne asked me to take you on. And if Batman thinks you earned a second chance, who are you to argue? ''(Barry thinks a lot about this, and finally agrees with Dr. Randall. He turns into The Flash and hurries to Metropolis at the speed of light.)''
:''[In Metropolis, Brainiac's robots are torturing and killing the innocent civilians. Just then, Flash arrives and starts taking down all of these robots. In the skull ship, Brainiac sees this in a holographic demonstration. Gorilla Grodd approaches Brainiac.]''
:'''Brainiac''': As predicted, Barry Allen has returned to action. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The task force is ready. They'll enjoy this... 
:''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, Flash searches for people in trouble and goes to save them. From a far building, Dead-shot takes aim at Flash's leg and shoots him with his sniper successfully. Flash falls and right in front of him comes his archenemy, Captain Cold.]''
:'''Captain Cold''': Nice aim, Dead-shot.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(On the microphone, to Captain Cold)'' Just get the job done. 
:'''Captain Cold''': ''(to Flash)'' That knee ain't healing super-fast at absolute zero. ''(Using his cold gun, he freezes the region where Flash was shot.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(In pain)'' For God's sake, Cold, look around!
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, crazy day. Kinda like when Superman went nuts, and you went right along with him. 
:'''The Flash''': Punish me later. We have to help these innocent people!
:'''Captain Cold''': The same &quot;innocent people&quot; who cheered Superman when he executed my friends? My sister?!  
:'''The Flash''': I'm sorry, Cold. But you never hurt civilians. You're better than that. ''(Flash gets up and Captain Cold tackles him.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Once upon a time, I was... BUT NO THAT'S OVER, BARRY! ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': Guess we both let each other down. 

story clash quotes 3.

The flash: what did your sister over do to you?!

Captain cold: sups already killed her, barry!

The flash: snart, come to your senses!

Captain cold: Shut up, barry!

Captain cold: i will end you barry!

The flash: not if i end you first!

Captain cold: my sister died because of superman!

The flash: that was the regime's mistake!

:''[Scene cuts. In Gorilla City, Catwoman and the Gorilla army take the captured Harley Quinn to a prison. Harley sees a Braniac's ship. They are the betas which absorb cities. Catwoman stops, gives Harley a wink, releases her and starts fighting the Gorilla Army. Catwoman showed her true colours that she isn't Grodd's ally.]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Thanks, Kitty. I was hopin' you was Bruce's mole... 
:'''Catwoman''': For all the good it did. Grodd never trusted me enough to share the whole &quot;alien invasion&quot; plan. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': We gotta help Dinah and Ollie... ''(both of them look at the ship again.)''
:'''Catwoman''': We will. First, we need to get back to Gotham. If there's anything left of it... ''(they both leave.)''
:''[Scene cuts again. Flash searches for those robots to take them down &amp; free the innocent people. A sound of sliding the barrel is heard, as Dead-shot appears in front of Flash.'']
:'''Dead-shot''': Runnin' a little slow, Flash.
:'''The Flash''': Retirement'll do that to you. ''(Dead-shot fires two bullets, only for Flash to dodge them both. Flash tackles Dead-shot.)'' What's with you, Lawton? You should be fighting this invasion!
:'''Dead-shot''': Got no choice. Grodd put a nano-explosive in my head. His paw's on the trigger. ''(Dead-shot pulls a knife and stabs Flash at his arm.)'' So whether I like it or not... I gotta do Grodd's dirty work. ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': I know. It's just business. ''(Suddenly, someone as fast as Flash, kicks him. Flash falls down, noticing the attacker to be Eobard Thawne or the Reverse-Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Grodd said you couldn't resist a good crisis.   
:'''The Flash''': Eobard Thawne? You don't belong here... 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': And miss the return of Barry Allen? ''(Eobard punches Flash sideways and kicks him further. Flash flees from the area and Reverse-Flash chases him. They surpass villages, towns... until finally, they knock each other in a street filled with traffic. They finally stop in a construction area.)'' I ran a long way from the future to hurt you, Barry. But this timeline? It's all wrong. 
:'''The Flash''': So go back to your own time, &quot;Reverse-Flash&quot;... ''(Reverse-Flash kicks Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You think I haven't tried?! Your Regime buddies killed one of my ancestors--and now I'm trapped in a paradox! I can never go home... but at least I can hurt you! ''(Reverse-Flash and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' ''(Reverse-Flash runs away.)''
:'''The Flash''': Dunno how many more reunions I can take... ''(Green Lantern arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Guess I could come back later. 
:'''The Flash''': Hal? No. Not today...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(Moving towards Flash)'' Nice to see you, too, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': Whose dead hand you pry that ring from? 
:'''Green Lantern''': You know it doesn't work that way. The ring chose me. 
:'''The Flash''': Even after you bailed on the Guardians to join the Sinestro Corps? 
:'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians locked me up. But they also trained me to overcome my fears. I earned the second chance they gave me. 
:'''The Flash''': The Guardians made a mistake! ''(Green Lantern and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' You were holding back, weren't you? ''(Flash understands Hal Jordan and gives him a helping hand to pick.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I told you. I'm trying to make things right. I betrayed my Corps, my planet and my friends. ''(sulkingly)'' And that's the worst part.
:'''The Flash''': All day I've been reminded how I failed to be a hero. How hard it's gonna be to regain people's trust. Guess we're both on that path.
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(sentimental)'' We've a long way to go, Barry. It'd be a lot easier if we're together. ''(Both of them shake hands, gaining each other's trust.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Flash reaches the Batcave and joins Batman. They both have a talk about the invasion and taking help.]''
:'''The Flash''': We need help, don't we? 
:'''Batman''': Not his (referring to Green Lantern). 
:'''The Flash''': ''(trying to convince Batman)'' You gave me a second chance. 
:'''Batman''': Because you got your head straight and helped take down Clark. If he was still in charge... he'd still be wearing yellow. ''(A carton which was hanging above, was let loose (due to poor strength of the rope) and was about to fall on Batman, but Green Lantern caught hold of it using his ring.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I'm not that guy anymore. ''(looking at Batman)'' Look! I get why you don't trust me. But you should trust the Guardians. This ring means something. They put me through hell to get it back. ''(Waiting for Batman to respond, but he doesn't. Dejected...) Fine. I've got my orders. Just thought it'd help if we cooperate. ''(Green Lantern walks away.)''
:'''Batman''': Lantern! ''(And Batman stops him.)'' Maybe it's time I widened my circle of trust. ''(Batman accepts Green Lantern into his team.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': What can I do? ''(Batman, followed by Flash, and Green Lantern walk towards each other.)''
:'''Batman''': You're going to Atlantis. Our circle of trust needs Aquaman and his Marines. 
:'''The Flash''': You think he'll help? He's been off-radar since the Regime fell. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Uhm... He didn't like getting roped into the Regime by Superman. ''(Batman walks away.)'' He sure won't be happy to see me.
:'''Batman''': Get used to that.

====''Chapter 5: Green Lantern''====

:''[Green Lantern reaches Atlantis, to seek Aquaman's help]''
:'''Aquaman''': Batman wants my marines to fight his battle? Like the time Superman ordered me to invade Metropolis?
:'''Green Lantern''': We were all on the wrong side of that war.
:'''Aquaman''': The next time my people's blood is spilled it will be for Atlantis, not the surface world.''[with a thump of his trident]''
:'''Green Lantern''': You're one of us too, Arthur. Your father-- ''(being interrupted)''
:'''Aquaman''': My father was human but my duty is to Atlantis. I don't trust you, Jordan-- you or any surface dweller. Now, leave. And remind Batman--stay out of my seas!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(pointing at the hologram of Brainiac's spaceship)'' And when that's on your doorstep?
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis will defend itself. ''(The hologram disappears.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(dejected)'' Maybe sooner than you think. We need to help each other. 
:'''Aquaman''': Go. I don't need your distraction. ''(Green Lantern, suddenly, feels controlled by some power. Eyes turn red. He resists.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': No. I'm not leaving. 
:'''Aquaman''': Need I remind you whose kingdom this is. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Listen to reason, Arthur. ''(Once again!)'' I'm sorry. I... I didn't come here to fight you. This is exactly what happened up there. First, they take out communications. then... ''(he is being interrupted by a huge sound, of Brainiac releasing his robots to invade Atlantis.)'' ...They invade. ''(Scene is cut, to show Brainiac releasing his soldiers on Atlantis.)'' They're your oceans. But it's also my sector. Let me help you. ''(Brainiac's robots walk in towards them.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(finally agreeing)'' Cover me! ''(Green Lantern, facing the robots, makes a wall construct to stop them. Robots break through it. He then sends a truck construct, which hits them all. Cheetah comes from behind and attacks Green Lantern.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Mmm. I thought the only Regimer down here to torture would be Aquaman.
:'''Green Lantern''': Cheetah... 
:'''Cheetah''': Let's not beat around the bush. Wonder Woman's in hiding. Maybe down here. Tell me... where's your Amazon friend?
:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't you hear? I unfriended her. So did Atlantis. 
:'''Cheetah''': Liar! ''(She jumps down.)'' I don't need a golden Lasso to make you tell the truth... ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Bad kitty! ''(Outside, the seas were slowly being invaded by Brainiac's robots. Aquaman alone tackles all of the robots, while Green Lantern assists him with his Machine Gun construct.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(tensed)'' My people are getting flanked. Hold this line. Be our rear guard. 
:'''Green Lantern''': On it. And you? 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm the vanguard. ''(and Aquaman hurries outward to secure the front. From another entrance, Bane makes a surprise entry, smashing one of Aquaman's guard!)''
:'''Bane''': Hal Jordan. You have returned. 
:'''Green Lantern''': S'good to be back where I belong. Kinda like you in a prison cell!
:'''Bane''': Even as Yellow Lantern, you never showed me the proper respect. But I'll show you... how easily your will is broken. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Break this. ''(Once again, he feels controlled by some power. His eyes turn red again. He tosses Bane using his Hammer construct. Aquaman arrives.)''
:'''Aquaman''': We're locking down the gates, but the fight's not over. Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Sorry, I was... somewhere else. Where's this leave us?
:'''Aquaman''': You put yourself at risk for Atlantis. Maybe you can be trusted. 
:'''Green Lantern''': So... you're in?
:'''Aquaman''': I can't. I belong here, defending my people. ''(Suddenly, a red light glistens. A hollow entrance appears, from which Atrocitus and his cat, Dex-Starr come out.)'' 
:'''Atrocitus''': HAL JORDAN!
:'''Aquaman''': Red Lanterns? 
:'''Green Lantern''': Atrocitus and Dex-Starr. Agents of vengeance. Powered by rage... ''(Towards Aquaman)'' Don't worry. I'll handle these two ring-to-ring.
:'''Aquaman''': Good luck! ''(and he leaves Green Lantern and Atrocitus alone.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': You've been messing with my head, haven't you, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(with a red construct of Sinestro)'' Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns slaughtered millions-- and their victims demand vengeance! You may have cast off their ring, but you are not absolved... 
:'''Green Lantern''': You're not the first person to tell me that.
:'''Atrocitus''': Dex-Starr would tear your heart out and lap your blood....! ''(Nearing Hal Jordan)'' But I sense you have a higher calling... A spark glowing within you. A spark... OF RAGE! ''(Green Lantern sees the cat and then, Atrocitus spits a blood like liquid, inflicting pain on him. Dex Starr also pounces on his head and spits the same, inflicting more agony.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(burning in red flares)'' What are you doing? What's this... this anger?!
:'''Atrocitus''': You may have overcome your fears, but you still betrayed Green Lanterns ''(He creates a red ring.)'' Hurt your allies. How could you ever forgive yourself? 
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(struggling to speak)'' I... can't... 
:'''Atrocitus''': THEN BURN! ''(He increases the intensity of pain on Hal Jordan. Hal screams in pain. The red ring hovers toward Hal's finger. Just then, Hal recites the oath.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': In brightest day... in blackest night... 
:'''Atrocitus''': Become vengeance... Join the Red Lanterns!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(continuing his oath)'' No evil shall escape my sight... let those who worship evil's might ''(Green Lantern's ring gets powered up by Hal's strong will, tossing Atrocitus a bit further and breaking the red ring.)'' BEWARE MY POWER--GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT! ''(Atrocitus gets up)'' You're right. I do hate myself for what I've done. But my will is stronger than my hate. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(Punching the ground)'' Your world is burning. And when it is ashes, you will beg for vengeance! ''(Atrocitus and Dex-Starr return back to their home planet through the same hollow entrance.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': The guardians don't need to know about that.
:''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship...]''
:'''Brainiac''': The Beta phase is complete. Earth's defense is irreversibly compromised. Begin the countdown. ''(Brainiac's other ships slowly descend into the Earth's atmosphere. His own ship then descends amidst the others'.)''
:''[Back in the Batcave...]''
:'''Flash''': I circled the globe. Larger ships are being positioned over these major cities ''(pointing them out in the map.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Even with Aquaman's Marines, we're still badly outnumbered. ''(Looking towards Batman)'' What's the plan? You have one, right? 
:'''Batman''': We have to evacuate the occupied cities before taking on Brainiac. But we need firepower... 
:'''Green Lantern''': Any heavy-hitters on the Luthor-Wayne payroll? 
:'''Batman''': Only Blue Beetle and Firestorm. But they're busy. 
:'''Flash''': Too busy for this? 
:'''Batman''': They're the last line of defense if Brainiac moves on Superman. 
:'''Flash''': Well, if Brainiac doesn't try busting him out of prison, Black Adam and Wonder Woman will. And the worse things get, the more people'll think we should let him out to help. ''(Batman and Green Lantern give a look at Flash.)'' I'm just sayin'.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hope the new kids can hold down the most wanted man in the galaxy.
:'''Batman''': Beetle and Firestorm are green. But together, they're the most powerful team we have...

====''Chapter 6: Blue Beetle and Firestorm''====


''[In the Stryker's Island, in the Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, Jaime Reyes (a.k.a Blue Beetle) walks towards the Red Sun prison along with Jason Rusch and Dr.Stein. The fusion of Rusch and Dr.Stein is Firestorm. As they walk by, we're shown Damian Wayne and Cyborg also locked up in separate cells.]''
:'''Jason Rusch''': For real, Jaime. Batman does not think we're important. Aliens are invading and we're on guard duty?  
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guarding Superman and his cronies. 
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(in argument)'' Who already have guards? We're guarding guards. We're redundant! ''(They reach in front of Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Dr.Stein''': ''(Pulling Jason back)'' Jason, you need to step back. Take in the bigger picture.
:'''Blue Beetle''': I'd rather be here than out there. This suit's an alien war machine. And you guys' Firestorm Matrix? We could take on Brainiac and boom--accidentally blew up the world. 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Jaime's right. ''(looking at Jason Rusch)'' We haven't mastered these powers yet.
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(Stubborn)'' Listen to yourselves, you two! We're bad-asses! And bad-asses belong on the front lines.
:'''Dr.Stein''': This is the front line. Brainiac running amok is a crisis. Brainiac and Superman both? That's an apocalypse.   
:'''Blue Beetle''': So we're the only thing between a crisis and an apocalypse?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Hm. I can get behind that... ''(Loud noises outside the building disturbs their conversation. They get alerted of an external danger. The building violently shakes. All the alarms start ringing of a deliberate intrusion. Building keeps shaking more violently.)''   
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(guessing in suspicion)'' Brainiac?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Or the Superman Fan club? 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Either way, I suggest we fuse. ''(Dr.Stein and Jason Rusch hold hands and fuse into the Firestorm.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Game on.
'''[Scene cuts. There's a hole created in the building by someone. All the security guards are knocked down. As guessed, Superman's Fan club members hold placards saying: FREE SUPERMAN!. They show it to two hovering humans, who turn to be Wonder Woman and Black Adam. They caused the hole in the building and are the intruders.]'' ''[Back in the Red Sun prison, Blue Beetle scans through any changes in Superman, but detects none.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Red Sun's cell secure. Must be the Power Center.
:'''Firestorm''': The Power Center! If it goes down, those generators shut off.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(pointing at Superman)'' and he flies right outta here. ''(They rush towards the Power Center, leaving Superman locked in the prison out of their sight.)''
''[The lasers over the Meta-Human cell of Damian Wayne go off. Damian looks up and feels like someone's trying to break open the top of the cell. Turns out he felt it right, as Supergirl breaks open the roof, freeing Damian Wayne.]''
:'''Damian Wayne''': Am I... dreaming?
''[At the Power Center, Black Adam shuts down the generators using his magic, while Blue Beetle and Firestorm look at him from a corner.]''
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the plan. One of us takes Adam, the other re-starts the generators before Superman gets loose.
:'''Black Adam''': ''(overhearing them)'' A feeble plan. ''(Adam comes towards them)'' It's more likely you'll die here. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guess we're on the front lines now. ''(Firestorm pats him, wishes him luck and leaves.)''
:'''Black Adam''': You're a naive boy with too much power. Much like the deceased Billy Batson. ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Maybe I really am a bad-ass... ''(Firestorm arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Let's circle back, lock down Superman's cell... ''(Damian arrives at the scene as Nightwing.)''
:'''Nightwing''': My old man's standards sure have dropped. You newbs are so desperate to impress Batman. Why? He's weak. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': If your papa's weak, what's that make you? ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Firestorm was chosen...]''
:'''Nightwing''': I take after my mother.
:'''Firestorm''': Professor Stein wants to teach Oedipus here to respect elders. ''(Firestorm releases fire, cleverly shielded by Nightwing. Nightwing counter-attacks Firestorm.)'' Bet you were one of those students thought he was smarter than the teacher. 
:'''Nightwing''': ''(Spinning his staff)'' Thought I was smarter, hot head? No. I know I am. ''(Both of them fight. Firestorm wins.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Class dismissed. ''(Firestorm hurries towards the Red Sun prison.)''
''[Scene cuts. It's shown that Cyborg was also released and he's operating on the unlock system, trying to hack it and release Superman from the prison.]''
:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman's outside, keeping what's left of the guards busy. 
:'''Clark Kent''': If it wasn't her, who let you out? 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(arriving at the scene)'' I did. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(surprised)'' Kara? ''(Kara walks towards him and is worried seeing him imprisoned. From behind, Blue Beetle and Firestorm peek through, in shock, to see what's happening.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Another Krytonian! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Happy)'' You recognize me, Kal? 
:'''Clark Kent''': My parents stored your image on my ship. You're my protector. 
:'''Supergirl''': Sorry I'm a few decades late. You and I left Krypton at the same time, but the explosion threw my ship off-course. Way off-course.
:'''Clark Kent''': You haven't aged a day. 
:'''Supergirl''': Hyper-sleep. While you were growing up, I was on ice. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(sentimental)'' I never thought I'd see family again. Someone with my eyes. My own blood. You knew my parents... 
:'''Supergirl''': They loved you so much, Kal. ''(A sudden shake on the building.)'' Diana needs a hand. Cyborg, how long? 
:'''Cyborg''': Give me five more minutes, then it's &quot;lights out.&quot; ''(Building continues to shake violently.)''
:'''Supergirl''': I don't wanna leave you.
:'''Clark Kent''': I'll be here. ''(and Supergirl leaves to help Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(seeing Supergirl leave)'' Ella esta sobre tu nivel...
:'''Firestorm''': She's not out of our league! What happened to your confidence? 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Krytonians happened!
:'''Firestorm''': C'mon. Batman's counting on us. ''(In the prison-lock system, Cyborg continues to find the decryption for unlocking the Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Gotta hand it to Palmer, his people's cryptography is legit. Doesn't mean I won't break it. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(warning Cyborg)'' Victor! Behind you! ''(Blue Beetle tries to push away Cyborg, but he dodges it. Cyborg shoots down Blue Beetle with his Sonic Cannon. Firestorm tries to attack Cyborg.)''
:'''Firestorm''': What's your melting point, Cyborg? ''(He sends a beam of fire on him, only for Cyborg to create a computerized shield to defend himself. Cyborg resists him successfully and later, jolts forward, overpowering Firestorm as well. Systems indicate CELL POWER DOWN, which indicated that Superman has only minutes to free himself.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(In panic)'' The red sun generator! ''(as it slowly shuts down, but not complete yet.)''
:'''Firestorm''': We need to reactivate that console before Superman powers up... ''(both of them get up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Amateur hour's over, rookies. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': I think I got this. ''(Firestorm leaves. Cyborg forms a sonic cannon.)'' Sweet arm cannon. I got one too. ''(Blue Beetle forms his cannon.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Quit playing, kid. You even know how to use that? ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': If you ever want tips, let me know. ''(Firestorm reboots the generators, which starts working again.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac's too much for Batman. I'm your only chance. 
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the thing, Superman. Batman asked us for help. He didn't draft us, make us sign a loyalty oath, or threaten us with jail... 
:'''Clark Kent''': He won't go far enough. That's why he'll fail. ''(Clark and Firestorm look behind Blue Beetle as Supergirl approaches with super-speed to tackle Firestorm. She then tackles him.)
:'''Supergirl''': Stay away from him! ''(Blue Beetle goes to help Firestorm, but Wonder Woman's lasso ties him and stops him. Wonder Woman pulls back Blue Beetle, while Supergirl tosses Firestorm a bit further away.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Kryptonian, huh? The professor knows how to deal with you. ''(Professor Stein within Firestorm activates the formula of Kryptonite, which weakens Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Unable to resist its effect)'' Uhh... Kryptonite... ''(She tries to overpower the formula.)'' You're--HNGH--just as bad--GAH!--as Wonder Woman and Black Adam said... 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Increasing Kryptonite's intensity)'' Surrender and this stops...
:'''Supergirl''': Kryptonians don't surrender. ''(She manages to overpower it, and knocks down Firestorm with her punches. Wonder Woman tosses back Blue Beetle.)'' ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]'' We're freeing Kal-El... like it or not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Let's switch partners... ''(Wonder Woman and Firestorm attack each other and leave the place.)''
:'''Supergirl''': We need Kal's help, kid. You've no idea what Brainiac can do!
:'''Blue Beetle''': No. But I know what Superman can do... ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)'' Guess you belong here too.
:'''Firestorm''': What did I tell you? We got game! ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Professor and I trapped Wonder Woman under ten feet of steel. ''(Wonder Woman manages out of it and appears in front of them.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You fought valiantly... ''(in the background, Supergirl helps out Cyborg. Black Adam and Nightwing arrive at the scene as well.)'' ...but this battle's over. 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Jason speaks to Professor Stein within him)'' You want me to do what? Professor, that's crazy! Maybe we can control it, but-- ''(he pauses, as if Jason agrees to what Professor wants him to do. Continues...)'' You're right. No other option. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Get outta here, Jaime. ''(and Firestorm does what's the worst expected. He formulates the nuke, a nuclear bomb which can blow up Metropolis again if triggered.)'' 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Jesucristo, Jason! You're gonna nuke us?! 
:'''Firestorm''': It's the only way. Now, go! ''(Wonder Woman signals everyone to not move ahead. Firestorm warns everyone)'' Leave. All of you. Or you'll get a helluva' lot worse than a sunburn... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd blow up Metropolis rather than let Superman go? ''(The intensity of the nuke increases. It's just about to be triggered.)''
:'''Firestorm''': I'd save the Earth... ''(Wonder Woman raises her sword, but is dropped. Batman's batarang hits her hand, signalling Batman has arrived.)''
:'''Batman''': Firestorm, stand down! ''(Batman arrives at the scene gliding with his cape in style. Firestorm backs off the nuke. Batman approaches, seeing everyone freed. He is stopped by Supergirl, who Batman is yet unaware of.)'' Who are you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Superman's overprotective cousin. ''(Nightwing smiles at the background.)''
:'''Nightwing''': ''(in a mocking fashion)'' You keep so many secrets, but you can't stand it when one's kept from you. Can you? ''(Batman enters the decryption code in the unlock system.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You can't beat Brainiac, Bruce. 
:'''Batman''': ''(In agreement)'' You're right, Diana. I can't. ''(He completes his bio-metric in the unlock system, which shuts down the red sun generators.)''
''[To everyone's shock, Batman releases Superman (or Clark Kent) from the Red Sun prison. Superman is delighted and feels his powers after so long.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': What the...?! ''(Clark walks towards Batman and stands real close.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're ready to stop Brainiac by any means necessary? 
:'''Batman''': ''(correcting Clark)'' By the means at hand.
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(with a suspicious look)'' What's your game? You're always three moves ahead.
:'''Batman''': ''(ensuring Clark)'' Saving the world is enough for now. 
:'''Clark Kent''': I'm never going back in that cell.
:'''Batman''': ''(after a pause)'' We'll cross that bridge later. Right now, the world needs us... ''(Clark looks at his cousin, who nods in agreement with Batman. Batman and Superman stare at each other, trying to guess what the other person is thinking.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship, Brainiac looks at the worlds he had invaded upon. Grodd approaches Brainiac to have a talk...]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You summoned me, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': There've been surprising developments. Kal-El is free. But more remarkably, he is not the last Kryptonian. There is another refugee.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Two kryptonians?
:'''Brainiac''': Continue as planned. Kal-El is not yet at full strength. But, remember--the Kryptonians belong to me.
''[Scene cuts. Back in Earth, in Metropolis, all the superheroes gather at a round table discussion. The superheroes are: Firestorm, Cyborg, Batman, Blue Beetle, Wonder Woman, Nightwing, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Black Adam, The Flash and Green Lantern. Two more of them, not at scene, are Supergirl and Superman. Superman has gone to change his suit, while his cousin waits for him. Catwoman unrolls a map which has marks, representing all the cities that Brainiac is going to invade upon.]''
:'''Catwoman''': Thanks to Flash's recon, we have locations for every ship in Brainiac's fleet. They're targeting major cities on every continent. Betas are being offloaded on the outskirts... ''(Catwoman continues to explain the plan to everyone, while Batman and Firestorm go to a corner.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Give us some privacy. ''(Firestorm uses his powers, providing privacy. Now only Batman and Firestorm would know what they are gonna talk about.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Listen, Batman. About the prison, we-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': That was reckless. Don't pull a stunt like that again. Make up for it by finishing another mission. Discreetly. 
''[Back to the round table discussion...]''
:'''Catwoman''': We've to evacuate these cities before attacking the fleet, but we need communications restored first. So before we get started, Cyborg's going to fix Brother Eye. ''(Looking at him. Batman and Firestorm joins back.)''
:'''Cyborg''': I am not Bat-tech support.
:'''Superman''': That's not the issue, Victor. ''(Superman along with Supergirl arrive at the scene. Superman wears a new suit, with upgraded gear on him.)'' Kara saw firsthand how Brainiac destroyed Krypton. She says we have less than 48 hours before he does the same to Earth.
:'''Batman''': Without tight coordination, we'll lose valuable time. 
:'''Superman''': And that means we fix Brother Eye. ''(Cyborg reluctantly agrees.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Catwoman and Harley will join you. You'll need their help getting into the Batcave.
:'''Cyborg''': ''(with overconfidence)'' Just gimme the co-ordinates. I'll open a portal and boom-tube in. 
:'''Batman''': You can't. I reverse-engineered your armor's Mother Box technology.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(jokingly)''Try teleportin' into the Batcave. 'stead of boom, you'll go splat! ''(Kara behind her giggles.)''
:'''Cyborg''': So... how do we get in?
:'''Catwoman''': The old underground. There's a tunnel entrance under Arkham. 
:'''Cyborg''': I'm taking you two to Arkham Asylum?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Blows a bubblegum)'' Promise it won't be awkward or nothin'. ''(Kara smiles.)''
:'''Superman''': I need a few hours in the solarium at the Fortress of Solitude. ''(to Batman)'' Assuming you haven't torn it down.
:'''Batman''': Not yet. 
:'''Superman''': Damian. Adam. You're with me. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And the rest of us? We can't just sit here. 
:'''Batman''': We plan our attack. Once Brother Eye's online, we mobilize. ''(Batman gets up and reminds everyone of something.)'' Remember. Out there, there's no Regime. Not anymore. So we do. Not. Kill. ''(After a brief pause...)'' Let's go. ''(Everybody gets up and leaves.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(looking at Supergirl)'' You're with me. ''(She takes Supergirl along. Everyone leaves, while Batman and Superman stand opposite each other near the table. Superman looks at the table and questions Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': Why'd you keep it? 
:'''Batman''': Keep what? ''(Superman pulls the table cloth. Under it was the symbol of the Justice League. It had a crack in it, symbolizing that Justice League was no more.)'' ''(Looking at it and realising)'' Hm. Forgot that was there. ''(and Batman walks away.)''

====''Chapter 7: Cyborg and Catwoman''====

''[A windy day. Cyborg gets the co-ordinates of Arkham Asylum and uses his boom-tube to teleport to the entrance, along with Harley Quinn and Catwoman. All three of them enter the Arkham Asylum.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(leading the team)'' This way! ''(Suddenly, toxic gases called pheromones are released. Harley starts to suffocate.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Pheromones? ''(Cyborg uses his sonic vacuum to clear all that gas.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Seeing Harley cough)'' Harley? You okay? ''(She continues coughing and almost faints. From behind, Poison Ivy gets hold of Harley.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(Running her palm on Harley's chin)'' Sweet, sweet Harley. This time you'll be a good girl for Mama... ''(and Harley Quinn is controlled by Ivy. She is now Ivy's pawn.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(In a villainous tone)'' Hey, kiddies! Let's play &quot;Eeny Meeny Miney... MURDER!&quot; ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Harley needs a girl talk. ''(Cyborg leaves to fight Ivy.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hissss! Cat fight! ''(She points her gun on Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Getting hold of her bull-whip)'' Sorry, Harley. I'll try not to leave a scar. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)'' Ivy sure did a number on you... ''(Cyborg falls from air after being tossed by Ivy. Cyborg gets up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Your girlfriend's a real man-eater. ''(Poison Ivy lands down in her extended roots.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Arkham gave us so many memories, Selina (a.k.a Catwoman) ''(after a pause)'' Bewitching guards, late night poker... mandatory shock therapy... ''(Catwoman gives her a stare)'' Oh, that's right. You were spared. Thanks to your billionaire boy-toy.
:'''Catwoman''': I didn't ask for special treatment.
:'''Cyborg''': To hell with his pity party. 
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're just dying to hurt me, aren't you, Tin-Man? It won't bring back what you lost. Especially below the waist... ''(Cyborg gets provoked. He goes to hit her, but stopped by Catwoman. Harley slowly starts to go in shock.)'' Poor Harley smelled the wrong roses and now she's going into shock. Bye bye, Baby Doll. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Keep her alive. This is personal. ''(Cyborg leaves to look after Harley.)'' ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Harley was your friend, Pamela. She loved you! 
:'''Poison Ivy''': I've no more friends, Selina. All I've is the Green. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)''
:'''Catwoman''': So much for the Gotham City Sirens. ''(She approaches Harley. She checks her pulse, and figures out she's still alive, but in a cardiac arrest. To Cyborg)'' You got a defibrillator in there?
:'''Cyborg''': Yeah, but--
:'''Catwoman''': Use it! ''(Cyborg transforms his arms into defibrillator and gives subsequent jolts on Harley to cure her cardiac arrest.)'' Harley?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(gaining consciousness)'' Again... Again... 
''[Scene cuts. Catwoman, Harley and Cyborg walk in the Gotham Underground Railway lines towards the Batcave. On their way...]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': You think we'll find Dinah and Ollie once we get to Brainiac? 
:'''Cyborg''': Seriously? They're already dead.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Why you gotta say that?!
:'''Cyborg''': Brainiac collects the best and discards the rest. Black Canary and Arrow? Definitely not the best. ''(Harley stops walking for a while, sees Cyborg and Catwoman move ahead.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' I'd take them over you any day, Victor. ''(Harley runs and joins them.)'' Here we are. ''(They come in front of a wall, which is the entrance to the Underground subway leading to the Batcave. Harley and Catwoman search for the hidden button to press open the wall, with the help of Cyborg's flash light. They both figure it out and press the buttons together. The wall deforms itself, and opens like a gate.)'' ''(To Harley)'' Wait here, Harley. Make sure no one follows us. ''(Along with Cyborg, Catwoman heads further into the subway towards the Batcave, leaving Harley behind as a guard.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(mockingly to Harley)'' After you, please. 
''[Having almost nearing the Batcave entrance, Cyborg and Catwoman are suspicious of the silence in that place.)''
:'''Catwoman''': It's too quiet. ''(Cyborg uses his computerized radar to detect the existence of any other humans near them. He finds two of them.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Bogeys. And they're not bats... ''(Two bullets are fired at them, but is successfully shielded by Cyborg. The gunshots were from Dead-shot's gun, who is accompanied by Bane. Yes, the two bogeys detected by Cyborg were Dead-shot and Bane. Bane and Dead-shot approach them.)''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Catwoman)'' I told Grodd you were loyal to the Bat. He called me &quot;paranoid.&quot; At least he listened when I said Batman would not relinquish his Cave so easily. Soon, not just this place, but all of Gotham will be mine. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]''
:''[Dead-shot fires again at Catwoman, but is shielded. Both Catwoman and Dead-shot leave Cyborg and Bane to fight.]''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Cyborg... my old Comrade.
:'''Cyborg''': I was never down with Superman recruiting criminals to the Regime. That was his call.
:'''Bane''': We're both considered criminals now. So ask yourself... what is the difference between us? ''(Both of them fight. Cyborg wins.)''
:'''Cyborg''': The difference between us? I'm still standing. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(To Cyborg)'' Ready to meet Brother Eye? 
:'''Cyborg''': About damn time. ''(They enter the Batcave, and approach Brother Eye.)'' System's still running. Brother Eye needs a clean power source... something Brainiac can't touch. 
:'''Catwoman''': The cave's got backup generators. 
:'''Cyborg''': That should do it. ''(The screens undergo change, as Brainiac who is now in control of Brother Eye, appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor Stone. The pinnacle of human evolution... 
:'''Catwoman''': Someone has a secret admirer. (referring &quot;Someone&quot; as Cyborg.)
:'''Brainiac''': But your humanity inhibits your true potential. You must purge it. 
:'''Cyborg''': Interesting thought. Just one problem--I'm a team player. And humanity? That's my team. 
:'''Brainiac''': But you're capable of so much more. ''(Brainiac sends purple rays through the screens at Cyborg, creating a prototype Cyborg named &quot;Grid&quot;, an evil version of the true Cyborg.)''
:'''Grid''': Grid online. ''(to Cyborg)'' I'm your vast memory and intellect, liberated from the weaknesses of flesh and emotion.
:'''Cyborg''': Apparently liberated from my good looks and charm, too. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]'' ''(to Catwoman)'' We need that backup power. Now. ''(to Grid)'' So, uh, 'Grid.' This mirror match is as weird for you as it is for me? 
:'''Grid''': For years I dwelled as a subroutine within your system. An anomaly. I never fashioned an existence outside you. Now, I realize my perfection. And your obsolescence. ''(Cyborg and Grid fight. Cyborg wins.)'' 
:'''Cyborg''': Not so perfect, after all. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Catwoman''': Backup power's on. 
:'''Cyborg''': Let's get this party started. ''(Cyborg gets on work with the Brother Eye's control keypad, trying to create a firewall between Brother Eye and Brainiac's neural network.)''
:'''Brainiac''': No human--not even you--can gain control of my neural network. 
:'''Cyborg''': Not trying to. Just teaching Brother Eye to ignore you. 
:'''Brainiac''': This minor success--vrt--will not--vrt--save you--vrt-- ''(The firewall is successfully created. Brother Eye ignores control by Brainiac's neural network and comes back online, working as normal as before.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': The Brother Eye is online.
:'''Catwoman''': Welcome back.
:'''BROTHER EYE''': ''(recognizing Catwoman)'' Thank you, Ms. Kyle. ''(The alarms start ringing, initiating defense systems, indicating Cyborg's presence as an intruder, while he's not.)'' Warning! Victor Stone has infiltrated the BatCave! Deploying countermeasures! ''(Brother Eye was about to deploy missiles on Cyborg, but is stopped by Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Defense system override. Authorization LK-4D4!
:'''BROTHER EYE''': System administrator Selina Kyle. Retinal verification required. ''(Brother Eye takes Selina's bio-metrics before following the override command from Catwoman. The verification matches and defense system retreat back.)'' Identity confirmed. Standing down.
:'''Catwoman''': Brother Eye, bring geo-sync comms online. ''(It does so and restores communications with Batman and all the superheroes. Through Brother Eye, Catwoman to Batman)'' Bruce, the comms are yours. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman is flying in his Bat-plane, while he receives Catwoman's message.]''
:'''Batman''': Copy. Brother Eye, broadcast on the old Justice League band. 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Broadcasting. ''(Brother Eye does so and connects all the members of Justice League in conference communication.)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(Communicates to everyone.)'' We're back online everyone. We have one hour to evacuate the civilians before we engage Brainiac and the fleet.

====''Chapter 8: Wonder Woman''====


''[Wonder Woman and Supergirl fly around Metropolis to begin the evacuation of civilians. They both reach on top of a building, right in front of the skull ship and have a talk...]''
:'''Supergirl''': Where should we start? ''(Wonder Woman is lost in a thought.)'' ''(to Wonder Woman) Diana! We don't have much time...
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(interrupting Supergirl)'' Batman's strategy is all wrong. Delaying our offensive is pointless. It's one less hour before Brainiac sends us all to Hades. Saving these people could doom millions more!
:'''Supergirl''': I can hear the people down there. All of them. They're afraid, like I was on Krypton, when I didn't have these powers. And I look at us and I just think... We can give them hope. ''(Down in the streets, Brainiac's robots take in civilians as hostages, even policemen. Wonder Woman and Supergirl pick one such robot in air.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to other robots)'' Up here. ''(All of them look at Wonder Woman and Supergirl with the robot. Wonder Woman smashes the Robot with her hands. The other robots attack them. Wonder Woman and Supergirl get on the ground and fight these robots, taking all of them down.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Why are they so afraid of us? ''(A laser gunshot hits Supergirl. It was Cheetah who had shot her.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva...
:'''Cheetah''': Welcome back, Diana. ''(Cheetah also shoots at Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman falls way back, breaking the walls, into a salon. The bartender points a shotgun at Wonder Woman in self defense. From the entrance of the salon, Captain Cold breaks the door with his cold gun. Reverse-Flash attacks Wonder Woman at lightning speed, punching her at different angles. Captain Cold enters in.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Your heart's so cold, Wonder Woman. Let's put you on ice. ''(Reverse-Flash joins him. Captain Cold fires a beam of ice from his gun, only for Wonder Woman to perform a rope-a-dope and freezes Reverse-Flash.)'' Nice rope-a-dope. ''(Captain Cold approaches Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Give up your code of honor, Snart? Why lower yourself to work with Grodd? 
:'''Captain Cold''': You're not so pure, Amazon. You--you executed &quot;Golden Glider.&quot; She... was my sister.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A sister you led into a life of crime. She paid for your mistakes. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' My condolences. ''(She looks at Reverse-Flash, as he vibrates at super-speed to release himself from the state of frost.)'' ''(looking at &amp; going towards Reverse-Flash)'' Eobard Thawne, right? Barry said you're some kind of time traveler. 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Yeah. And let me tell you about the future. You think you're immortal. But in my time, Diana... you're quite dead. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': An oracle you are not. ''(Something happens around Diana. She then sees Superman, coming towards her.)''
:'''Superman''': Diana, you're safe! Thank Rao. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(moving towards Superman)'' We've to find Kara, she's-- ''(Superman interrupts her.)''
:'''Superman''': We will. ''(Superman gently holds Wonder Woman, in a romantic gesture.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Clark, we don't have time for--
:'''Superman''': ''(Running his hand on her cheek)'' Please. I've missed you. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(in a soft voice)'' We can beat them, Kal. Brainiac, Batman, they both go down today.
:'''Superman''': And we'll rule, side by side, as equals. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And lovers. ''(And both are about to kiss each other, when Superman hurts Wonder Woman with his heat vision. Wonder Woman falls way back and is in shock of such a gesture. She is suspicious of his identity.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I turned to you when Lois died. You took advantage. ''(Wonder Woman gets up.)'' Manipulated my grief... ''(he forcefully holds her and knocks her to a wall.)'' Turned me into someone, I wasn't meant to be! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's not true. My love made you stronger. 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you tell yourself? ''(Wonder Woman stabs him with her sword, realising he was not Superman, but Scarecrow, in Superman's disguise.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's what Superman told me, Scarecrow. ''(She gets up from that hallucination from the fear gas released on her by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(in his human form)'' Hehehaha. You're not afraid of Superman, you're afraid you corrupted him. Brave hero. Your worst fear is becoming the villain of the story. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(taking her sword out)'' To Hades with your mind games.  
:'''Scarecrow''': Classic anger displacement. ''(Releasing more of that toxin and taking his true form)'' We should continue your therapy... ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This therapy session's over. ''(Taking back his human form, he tries to release that toxin on Wonder Woman but is stopped by her.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, in front of statue of &quot;Justice Society of America&quot;, Supergirl tries to recover herself. Cheetah arrives behind her.]''
:'''Cheetah''': ''(Seeing Supergirl lying weak)'' Girl of Steel. You are a rare, rare find. No wonder Brainiac wants you... Dead or alive. ''(Cheetah places her claws on Supergirl's face and imprints a scratch on her.)'' Kryptonians are vulnerable to magic... and these claws cut... like magic... ''(She grabs Supergirl forcefully at her hip. Blood oozes out from Kara as she screams in pain. Wonder Woman flies to Supergirl and attacks Cheetah from behind.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Hang in there, Kara. The Gods will protect us. ''(She goes towards Cheetah.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Grrrr... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva! I'm surprised someone so feral still follows Grodd's orders. 
:'''Cheetah''': No, Princess. I only joined Grodd to draw out my own quarry... You. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': A fool's errand. Like when you sought a God's power, but found the Cheetah's curse.
:'''Cheetah''': More like the Cheetah's gift. I'm stronger, faster--and thirsty. So thirsty... for Amazon blood! ''(Cheetah and Wonder Woman fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You want blood?! Your curse can never be undone. This is the peace you deserve. ''(Wonder Woman picks Cheetah in air and is about to kill her. Supergirl slowly regains consciousness, when Harley Quinn arrives at the scene.)''    
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Y'all right, Blondie? ''(She picks her up.)'' Sit tight... ''(Wonder Woman gets her sword to Cheetah's neck, but is shot at hand by Harley, dropping the sword.)'' She's had enough, Wonder Bread.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This isn't your business, Clown.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(pointing both her guns at Wonder Woman)'' You heard Bats. No killing. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You lecture me? How much blood is on your ledger, Quinn? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, buckets full, honey. I was tryin' too hard to impress the wrong guy. Kinda like you with Superman. ''(Wonder Woman gets really angry hearing those words. She drops Cheetah, lifts her sword and runs towards Harley. Harley begins the gunfire, with each bullet being blocked by Wonder Woman and is stabbed by Wonder Woman with her sword.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(seeing Harley stabbed)'' No! ''(Wonder Woman drops Harley, while Supergirl gives Wonder Woman a flying kick, knocking her far, far away. She then goes towards Harley, who's losing a lot of blood.)'' You're losing too much blood. This is gonna hurt. A lot. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in pain)'' Heh... Even better... ''(Supergirl user her heat vision to heal the wound temporarily.)''

====''Chapter 9: Supergirl''====


''[In continuation to Wonder Woman's story... Wonder Woman comes back to the scene.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What do you think you're doing, Kara?
:'''Supergirl''': Stopping you before you make a mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That lunatic deserves to die.
:'''Supergirl''': Maybe. But she's defenseless. She's had no trial... You told me Amazons fought with honor. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)'' I trusted you, Diana.

Story clash quotes 4.

Supergirl: you lied to me, diana!

Wonder woman: it doesn't end this way, kara!

Supergirl: there's no crown for you to wear!

Wonder woman: you can have it!

Wonder woman: i didn't lie to you, kara!

Supergirl: no. You and black adam did.

Wonder woman: Don't you remember anything kara?! Why would you turn your back against kal?! Why would you turn your back against me?!

Supergirl: Amazons deserve better than you!

(goes to Harley Quinn and picks her up.)'' You're gonna be okay. ''(She lifts her and flies to meet Superman.)'' ''(to Harley)'' I'll get you to a doctor. Kal can protect you. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Superman?! ''(she chuckles)'' Oh, Blondie. Yer funny! 
''[Scene cuts. In the Solarium in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman, Black Adam and Damian Wayne(a.k.a Nightwing) have a conversation.]''
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam and Nightwing)'' Did you find anything? 
:'''Nightwing''': I analysed the Kryptonian data, like you asked. You didn't miss anything. They just didn't have an answer for Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': There has to be something. A blind spot, a weakness. Brute force won't be enough.
:'''Black Adam''': If your powers are restored, I should leave for Kahndaq, make sure its defenses are prepared. 
:'''Superman''': Brainiac hasn't attacked it yet?
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity's magic hides Kahndaq from prying eyes--even Brainiac's. But I don't expect him to be fooled forever. ''(Supergirl arrives at the Fortress of Solitude.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, we need to talk. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Adam and Damian)'' Give me a minute, both of you. ''(Damian and Adam leave.)'' Damian told me what happened, is Diana all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': She's fine. But she was gonna kill Harley. I've never seen her so cold-blooded... 
:'''Superman''': Yes, it's unfortunate... 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(interrupting him)'' I know. What was she thinking? 
:'''Superman''': ''(completing his sentence)'' It's unfortunate Diana chose now to deal with Harley. More unfortunate that you got in the way. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised after hearing these words from Kal)'' What?
:'''Superman''': The Joker sickened Harley's mind beyond healing. When she relapses, innocent people will die. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(not yet out of shock hearing from Kal)'' Innocent people are dying now. She was helping us! 
:'''Superman''': Don't be naive, Kara. Harley's a criminal. My only mistake was not dealing with her sooner. ''(Superman turns his back at Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Diana said the Joker was executed. Were you the one who...?
:'''Superman''': ''(justifying his mistake)'' I took one life to save millions.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(getting closer to Kal)'' But it wasn't just one, Kal, was it? How many? ''(Superman turns his back again, but Kara turns him to face her.)'' How many?! ''(in grief touching the symbol of House of El)'' Everywhere I go, people are afraid of this... now I know why. ''(She retreats her hand, feeling ashamed of Superman)''
:'''Superman''': ''(Tries to explain his point to Kara)'' It's not how I wanted things. But humans... they've been slaughtering each other for millennia. I stopped that violence. Humans need strong leadership. We have to save them from themselves.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in utter shock)'' Whose son are you? Jor-El's? or General Zod's? ''(She flies away from Superman, dejected of his attitude)''
:'''Superman''': ''(trying to stop her)'' Kara! ''(Announces in the fortress)'' Don't let Kara leave the fortress! ''(Nightwing comes in her way, stopping her from leaving.)''
:'''Nightwing''': Hold on, Kara.
:'''Supergirl''': I'm realizing maybe your father locked you up for good reason... 
:'''Nightwing''': Superman's been more of a father, than Batman could ever be. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal should be setting a better example. ''(She continues to fly, trying to leave the fortress...)''
:'''Black Adam''': Shazam! ''(This time, Black Adam tries stopping Supergirl. Supergirl is tossed on the ground by his magic. She gets up and faces him.)'' You'll submit, Kara Zor-El. ''(More of his magic thunder bolt jolts her.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Adam)'' Ever since you found me, everything you told me... Half-truths. Lies. To cover up your own evil... 
:'''Black Adam''': You see the world as a child does. &quot;Good&quot; and &quot;evil&quot; are not constants. Their meaning's defined by those with power. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Lucky for you. I find power in restraint. ''(Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Kara, please. ''(hovers towards Kara)'' Listen to me. With our powers, we can't hold back, or the ones we love... pay the price...
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in regret)'' I'm sorry I wasn't here. That I couldn't help you. But Metropolis wasn't your fault. 
:'''Superman''': I promised myself. Never again. 
:'''Supergirl''': This isn't who we are. The House of El isn't ruled by fear. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Tired of making Kara understand)'' Hope isn't enough to save the world. Without me, they'd be dead! ''(Superman and Supergirl fight. Supergirl wins.)''   
:'''Supergirl''': I can help you... ''(Black Adam and Nightwing also arrive in the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about all you've lost, Kara. What if you could've saved Krypton? 
:'''Supergirl''': I think about it everyday. 
:'''Superman''': Then stand with me. ''(A huge noise of the Brainiac's betas are being heard.)'' 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(reacting to the sound)'' It's Brainiac... He's extracting the cities early! 
:'''Black Adam''': Then we fight back. I must go to protect Kahndaq. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam)'' Go. ''(to everyone)'' We're heading to Metropolis. 
:'''Nightwing''': What about her? 
:'''Superman''': All that matters now is stopping Brainiac. ''(to Kara)'' But when this is over, you need to choose. You're either with me... or against me.
''[Scene cuts. Brainiac's skull ship shadows Metropolis. He slowly starts extracting it, by absorbing buildings. Seeing all the cars torn apart, street lights fallen, roads with cracks, civilians hurt and dead, Dr. Kent with his helm in his hand, is just helpless but to witness all of these. He sees the skull ship performing the extraction.]''
:'''Civilian''': ''(wounded; to Dr.Kent)'' Help... help me! ''(He extends his hand to help...)''
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': No! ''(warning Dr. Kent of changing yet another fate.)''
:'''Civilian''': Please... ''(and she breathes her last.)'' 
:'''Dr.Kent''': ''(Helpless)'' Why can't I stop this? ''(to the Helm)'' Why won't you let me fight back? How can there be order if Brainiac wins?!
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': Humanity breeds Chaos. Brainiac is Order.
''[Scene cuts. Batman and Catwoman fly in the Batplane, heading towards Brainiac's skull ship.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Batman)'' Superman and Supergirl are almost here. The others are tackling the feet. Shouldn't we be in Gotham? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac controls the entire fleet from that Skull Ship. Take him down, take them all down.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(looking at the monitor for any danger)'' Contacts! Dead ahead! ''(The skull ship sends automated fighter jets and are heading towards the Bat-plane, but are cleared by Superman and Supergirl using heat vision. Catwoman detects something from the Bat-plane's monitor.)'' They gave us an opening. ''(The Bat-plane is now directed towards that opening.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Locking on that Skull Ship. ''(He locks the target and sends three rockets, hitting the Skull Ship.)'' ''(From inside the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(looking at all damage being taken by his ship)'' Shields. ''(Brainiac enables strong shields around his ship and sends strong forces around a bigger radius of impact at objects. One such object was the Bat-plane, which degravitates and falls.)''  
:'''Catwoman''': Five seconds to impact...
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject... ''(bat-plane keeps dropping faster.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Three seconds! ''(just then, Superman comes to its rescue, holding and straightening the Bat-plane.)''
:'''Superman''': You're welcome! ''(to Batman)'' What just happened? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's force shield is creating a concussive feedback loop. 
:'''Superman''': So the harder we hit it, the harder it hits back... ''(He then realizes Kara heading to hit the Skull Ship. She is unaware of that force shield's effect.)'' Kara! ''(Kara hits it and has a concussion, binding her to the force shield. Superman goes to rescue her, but is also victimized by that effect. The effect then creates a break, jolting and tossing both Superman and Supergirl far away. They both are weak and incapacitated.)'' ''(Seeing this from the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonians are incapacitated. ''(command to the betas and his own ship.)'' Complete the extraction. ''(Metropolis faces this devastation a second time, as we see the Daily Planet building gets extracted, followed by other towers and apartments. Brainiac feels delighted.)'' ''(Miles away in another land, Superman and Supergirl lie unconscious. Superman regains consciousness. He figures out Kara to be alive through X-Ry vision. Superman heads towards the Skull Ship and sees his annihilated city for the second time, a depressing sight.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(Emotionally hurt and filled with rage)'' Noooo! ''(He hits the Skull Ship subsequently, many times.)'' ''(From the Bat-plane...)''
:'''Batman''': Superman! The force shield concentrates its energy at your point of attack. Move faster than it can, and you might break through!
:'''Superman''': Got it. ''(Superman attacks at that point at super-speed. He increases his speed every time he attacks the ship at different places, almost shaking the ship and continues giving harder blows.)'' ''(Inside the Skull Ship, Brainiac sees it all.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Creative, but insufficient. ''(Command to his ship)'' Decrease shield refresh interval to ten picoseconds. 
''[At the next attack of Superman, he gets a concussion effect as experienced before and is knocked down, falling in air to the ground. The Skull Ship faces Superman, who gets up from that knock. The strong tendrils of the Skull Ship weakens Superman and is now trying to absorb him into the Ship. It creates a huge explosion, lightly tossing the Bat-plane and Supergirl who was heading towards Kal-El]''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Seeing Kal nowhere in sight; worried)'' Kal... ''(Supergirl hurries down to the place if Kal exists in that thick cloud of smoke.)''
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl sits worried and dejected that she couldn't protect Kal. The Bat-plane also lands at that site of extraction, from Batman and Catwoman approach Supergirl to console her. The Flash also arrives at the scene.]''
:'''Supergirl''': I couldn't find his body. Can't hear his heartbeat. ''(Sad and tensed)'' I was supposed to protect him. From this. From you. (referring to Batman) And now he's gone. I'm sure that's the best news you've heard all day.
:'''Batman''': ''(emotional)'' I'll miss him, too.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised)'' You mean that?
:'''Batman''': He was a good friend, once. I trusted him with my life. But the Joker got to him... and I wasn't there to stop it. I lost my friend Clark. And I've missed him ever since. ''(Cyborg, along with Green Lantern and Aquaman, teleport and arrive to the site of extraction and join Batman.)'' ''(to Aquaman)'' Atlantis? 
:'''Aquaman''': Gone. I didn't listen. Now, we all die together. 
:'''Batman''': No one's giving up yet. ''(to everyone)'' Anyone here from Beetle or Firestorm? ''(Wonder Woman and Black Adam arrives at the scene, accusing Batman)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is your fault, Bruce! ''(pointing at him.)'' Kal and I would've beaten Brainiac! You should've followed our lead! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(angered; pushing Wonder Woman back with her hand)'' Stop it, Diana! Millions of people are trapped on that ship. We have to save them! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not with him. ''(Observing this quarrel, Brainiac arrives in the form of a hologram and talks to them.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Such discord. No wonder humans have yet to expand their civilization beyond the confines of this tiny planet. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Did you call in just to gloat? 
:'''Brainiac''': My betas are taking position all across your planet. In one hour, they'll explode in unison, burning the Earth's atmosphere. Rendering this world a barren moon. Unless... you surrender Kara Zor-El. She is Krypton's sole survivor--and my last opportunity to study the effect of yellow sun on Kryptonian cells. Surrender her, and I will spare this world.
:'''Batman''': Even if I thought you'd honor that deal, we wouldn't take it. ''(shielding Supergirl)''
:'''Brainiac''': You've one hour to reconsider. ''(and Brainiac leaves.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Batman)'' Thanks for giving the new girl a chance, but... Maybe I should go.
:'''Batman''': ''(with confidence)'' No. We'll find a way to take down Brainiac's shields. We have to. 
:'''Cyborg''': We could try shorting them out. But we'd need to generate an insane amount of power... 
:'''Black Adam''': Perhaps science is not the answer. 
:'''Batman''': ''(approaching Black Adam)'' So he might be vulnerable to a magic-based attack. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(explaining his idea)'' I can drive the immense magical power from the Rock of Eternity through the gateway in Kahndaq. But I need an artifact, a medium to channel it. Something that can withstand the power... 
:'''Aquaman''': How about the Trident of Atlantis? ''(thumping it with a majestic sound.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Yes... that could work. 
:'''Catwoman''': We get the shields down, then what? Cyborg said Brainiac controls the ship with his thoughts. 
:'''Cyborg''': But I did cut him off from Brother Eye. It's possible I could make a signal disruptor that blocks his neural network. If you get Brainiac's shields down, we can disarm those Beta bombs.
:'''Batman''': Then that's our plan. Aquaman, Adam. Get to Kahndaq.

====''Chapter 10: Aquaman and Black Adam''====


''[In the northern part of Africa, amidst pyramids is the hidden magical land of Kahndaq. Black Adam and Aquaman reach Kahndaq to execute their first part of the major plan. Both of them walk towards the Rock of Eternity, the rock bestowing all magical powers and the reason behind Kahndaq not being exposed to Brainiac.]''
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity is hidden in a pocket dimension. I've refrained from the opening the gateway to it since Brainiac's invasion.
:'''Aquaman''': Because it would draw his eye?
:'''Black Adam''': Precisely. Once the door is open, it's only a matter of time before Brainiac attacks. 
:'''Aquaman''': A fight I'll look forward to. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(enunciating the magic phrase)'' Ancient ones, unveil the golden path to me. ''(Adam gains electric thunders, i.e, increases his power, as he continues)'' In your names... Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, Mehen... ''(A beam of thunder from the Gods fall upon Black Adam as he energizes and opens the door to Rock of Eternity.)'' ''(In Brainiac's Skull Ship, a red dot blinks in Africa as Kahndaq's anonymity is unveiled to Brainiac.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Black Adam has revealed Kahndaq's power--and its location. ''(to Grodd)'' The Society will obtain a sample of the Rock of Eternity for me. I wish to study Earth's so-called magic.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The Society is disbanded. They thought Earth would be theirs to conquer, not yours to destroy. 
:'''Brainiac''': And you, Grodd? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Earth can go to hell. I serve Brainiac. 
:'''Brainiac''': As you should. I'll give you new soldiers. Bring me that sample before the Earth is destroyed, and your loyalty will be rewarded. ''(Grodd bows in front of him, and leaves with his soldiers.)'' ''(In Kahndaq, Black Adam opens the gateway and is about to go inside with Aquaman)''
:'''Black Adam''': Let's work quickly. ''(From behind them, Green Arrow, Black Canary and a few Gorilla soldiers stop them. Arrow and Canary are in influence by Grodd, thus being controlled by his powers.)''
:'''Arrow and Canary''': ''(together)'' Don't bother. There's no time left. ''(they move towards Black Adam and Aquaman to fight. Black Adam temporarily closes the gateway.)''
:'''Black Canary''': An Extractor ship is on its way. Kahndaq will be Brainiac's. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]'' ''(Adam leaves.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Using pawns, Grodd? ''(Black Adam tackles Arrow and Grodd's soldiers, leaving Canary and Aquaman to fight.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Pawns can achieve great victories. If you're willing to sacrifice them. ''(Both of them fight. Aquaman wins.)''
:'''Aquaman''': This King isn't easily captured. ''(Aquaman runs to face Green Arrow. As Canary said, an Extractor ship made it to Kahndaq and had begun its extraction, firing Brainiac's Robots too.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Here comes the cavalry. Fitting that you two die together. The last of mankind's monarchs. 
:'''Aquaman''': What kind of ruler sacrifices his own people for Brainiac? 
:'''Green Arrow''': My loyalty isn't to Brainiac or Gorilla City. It's to myself. I'll wait until that alien exposes his weakness and kill him. With his ship, I will be unstoppable... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]''
:'''Black Adam''': I've had my fill of Grodd's charade. ''(Aquaman leaves Adam and Arrow alone to fight.)'' Your hubris will be your undoing. 
:'''Green Arrow''': It isn't hubris... when one is truly exceptional. ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Exceptional is not the word I'd use. ''(Aquaman and Adam go towards the Rock of Eternity and Adam through his magic, opens the gateway again. Aquaman suddenly turns back to see Blue Beetle arrive at the scene.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Blue Beetle! We thought you were dead. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab's hard to kill. Batman told me you guys needed a hand. Consider me your sidekick. ''(Aquaman and Adam accept.)''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Come along. ''(The three of them enter the gateway, leading them to the eternal Rock, in the shape of a monarch's throne. The royal room was pretty old, with statues dusted and rusted.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Adam)'' How does this work, exactly?
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Aquaman)'' We imbue your trident with the spark of the Rock's power. When its full might is released, it will seek out your weapon. Your thoughts will guide the wizard's power to its final target. ''(Black Adam sits on it to harness its power.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I am ready. ''(Aquaman hands over his trident to Black Adam, so that Adam could imbue the Rock's power. Adam is about to do so, but to his surprise, Blue Beetle shoots at him with his cannon. Aquaman and Adam then realize Blue Beetle was not sent by Batman, but by Grodd under his mind control, similar to Arrow and Canary.)'' ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Beetle, what are you doing?!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': My bidding! ''(from behind, Grodd arrives.)''
:'''Black Adam''': A sleeper agent, to lead you here. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Despite the power of the Scarab, the boy was easily manipulated. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Now, Jaime--kill them. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': This armor is wasted on a child. When we're finished, I'll tear the Scarab from his body... And make its powers my own! ''(Blue Beetle and Aquaman fight. BAquaman wins.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Don't get ahead of yourself. ''(Black Adam tackles Gorilla Grodd with their magic and telepathic powers respectively, while Aquaman joins Adam. Both assault each other. Grodd comes closer to them...)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Look at us. Three kings... 
:'''Aquaman''': A king, Grodd? You're a brute. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Grodd)'' A true leader serves his people. You only serve yourself.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Be that as it may. I will be the only one who leaves this cave. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]'' ''(Using his magic thunder from the Gods, Adam assaults at Grodd but his telekinetic powers resist it and releases that thunder attack on Aquaman, tossing him far behind. to Adam...)'' You'd have been a valuable contributor to my Society. 
:'''Black Adam''': My knee bends to no one! ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)'' Now, Grodd. Your punishment. ''(Aquaman arrives at the scene. He turns the defeated Grodd lying face up.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(looking at Aquaman and Adam)'' Stupid... humans... ''(Aquaman thrusts his trident sideways into Gorilla Grodd's body.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Grodd)'' The people of Atlantis demand justice.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Against Brainiac? Hehe. I've seen his mind, felt his power... He can't be stopped... 
:'''Aquaman''': But you can. ''(Aquaman lifts his Trident of Atlantis and thrusts with full might into Gorilla Grodd's chest, killing Grodd.)''
''[Scene cuts. Outside in Kahndaq, lying fainted was Black Canary and Green Arrow. As Grodd is dead, his mind control over Canary and Arrow is removed and they regain senses.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Arrow)'' How's your head?
:'''Green Arrow''': Empty. 
:'''Black Canary''': So not much has changed. ''(Aquaman arrives from the gateway.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Canary! Arrow! out of the way! ''(Aquaman takes position, a little far, in front of the Rock of Eternity. He thumps the imbued Trident.)'' ''(At the cave, Black Adam harnesses the Rock's power to its full might.)''
:'''Black Adam''': SHAZAM! ''(He releases the power through the gateway seeking Aquaman's imbued Trident. Aquaman guides that Rock's power through the skies towards Brainiac's Skull ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. At the site of extraction, everyone eagerly waits the magic-based attack from Kahndaq. Batman also waits for Cyborg to bring the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(through Brother Eye comms.)'' Cyborg, where's that signal disruptor?
:'''Cyborg''': Comin' at you. ''(Cyborg teleports himself using boom-tubes and arrives with the signal disruptor. He hands it over to Batman.)'' ''(instructing Batman about the disruptor)'' All you've to do is hit the trigger. But it only jams a local area. You need to get within arm's reach of Brainiac.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(stretching her arms)'' Good. ''(From the skies, they hear thunderous sounds as the Rock's power reaches Metropolis and is deployed at Brainiac's Skull ship, bringing its shields down. Inside the Skull ship, things violently shake as the magical blow is felt heavy.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(using his intellect)'' They did it! Shields are down.
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Supergirl, on me. ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor, help the others fight those Betas. 
''[He starts his Bat-plane, heads towards the unprotected Skull ship along with Supergirl. He enters the Skull ship, but is shot by one of Brainiac's fighter jets. He crash lands his Bat-plane inside the Skull ship. A lot of Brainiac's robots approach Batman, only to be easily destroyed by Supergirl's heat vision. Supergirl joins him. He is being led towards Brainiac using the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' The signal gets stronger this way. ''(Supergirl stops. to Supergirl...)'' What is it?
:'''Supergirl''': ''(pointing at the worlds)'' Voices... Billions of them! ''(She stops because of those frantic cries of help she hears through super-hearing. The chamber of the captured worlds open.)'' ''(Supergirl super-hears those cries from different worlds. to Batman...)'' So many languages... The Kryptonians. ''(She heads towards the captured planet Krypton and sees her hometown.)'' Kandor... Argo City! Home... we have to help them. 
:'''Batman''': ''(touching it)'' I'm not sure we can. 
:'''Supergirl''': There has to be a way... ''(Behind Supergirl and Batman, many of Brainiac's tendrils get hold of both of them, as it entangles them all around. Brainiac's Robots approach the captured Batman. One of his tendrils scan Supergirl, verifying her identity. Brainiac arrives.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Kara Zor-El. Until recently, I had thought my collection of Krypton to be complete. Your capture will make it so. ''(Those tendrils pull her into a semi-permeable membrane of the ship and she disappears.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You've failed in every effort to oppose me. You are not exceptional. Merely an ordinary specimen of primitive species. ''(to his Robots)'' Dispose of him. 
''[Batman tries to free himself, but he can't. His robots point an arrow-like weapon towards Batman from their palm. The Robot releases that weapon... things go in slow motion as it approaches Batman. From behind, Superman, who was thought to be captured by Brainiac, destroys all the Robots and saves Batman from that weapon assault, making a heroic comeback entry. The tendrils tied to Batman lift him up, but Superman breaks those tendrils, releasing Batman. He falls but is saved by Superman. Both of them land on the surface of the ship.)''
:'''Batman''': And I thought I could make an entrance. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara? 
:'''Batman''': Captured. Somewhere onboard. ''(After a pause; to Superman)'' We'll find her. But we only have 20 minutes before Brainiac's Betas scorch the Earth. 
:'''Superman''': Why aren't the others here? 
:'''Batman''': They're attacking the Betas. Just in case we don't pull through. 
:'''Superman''': We will.

====''Chapter 11: Batman and Superman''====


''[In continuation to the previous story, Superman and Batman go through different paths to reach out Brainiac's command center. On their way, they're being stopped by Firestorm. He is a pawn of Brainiac, controlled by Brainiac's thoughts.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(surprised by his presence)'' Firestorm! What happened to you? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(in a different voice)'' Brainiac unified our dueling minds. No longer divided, we think as one... 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Batman)'' He's your walking bomb. How do we get past him? ''(Firestorm attacks on Batman and Superman, who dodge it. Superman goes to tackle Firestorm at super-speed but is caught by him. Swamp Thing, controlled by Brainiac, also arrives beating up Batman. Swampy and Firestorm toss Batman and Superman opposite each other, who collide and fall on the ground.)'' ''(surprised by Swampy's presence)'' Swamp Thing, too?! 
:'''Firestorm''': Brainiac has unlocked the Green's power. He has mastered the Firestorm Matrix. All knowledge will be subsumed under his collection. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Superman was chosen...]''
:'''Superman''': I've heard enough about Brainiac and his collection. ''(Batman leaves.)'' You talked a big game back at my cell. Let's see how you stack up. 
:'''Firestorm''': Your immense power is finite. The Firestorm Matrix has no limits. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)'' 
:'''Superman''': We just found your limit. ''(Meanwhile, Batman and Swamp Thing tackle each other, with Batman knocking him down. Superman arrives at the scene. Swamp Thing gets up with more strength, accompanied by few of Brainiac's robots.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You have a plan?
:'''Batman''': It's a work in progress. I might be able to restore them... ''(Superman hovers high and tackles the robots with his heat vision. The robots create a collaborative shield in self defense.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(seeing robots' shield)'' That's new. ''(Batman surpasses them and goes to engage Swamp Thing in a fight. Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's adapting. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Swamp Thing''': Adaptation is nature's way...
:'''Batman''': ''(to Superman)'' I can help him. Keep those Betas busy... ''(Superman leaves.)'' ''(to Swamp Thing)'' Swamp Thing, hear me, your power's being used against you! Against the Green!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Brainiac is now the Green's protector. It will live forever... preserved in his collection. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Now let's get you free. ''(Superman brings the defeated Firestorm's body and places it alongside the defeated Swamp Thing. Batman uses the signal disruptor on both of these bodies.)'' ''(to Superman about the signal disruptor)'' It should disrupt their link with Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': ''(using his X-ray vision on Firestorm)'' Firestorm's brain patterns are changing. But I can't read what's happening to Swamp Thing... 
:'''Batman''': ''(To Firestorm, whose link is now disrupted from Brainiac)'' Jason? Professor Stein? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(back to original existence)'' Yeah. Yeah, we're both here. ''(slowly getting up)'' What happened?  
:'''Batman''': Brainiac added a third mind to your head. 
:'''Firestorm''': Like we needed that. ''(Swamp Thing also recovers and gets up.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(back to original existence)'' What is this place?! 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's ship. Firestorm will get you back on terra firma. ''(instructing Firestorm)'' Report to Hal. He'll need help fighting Brainiac's suicide Betas. ''(Batman and Superman leave towards finding Brainiac.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Sounds like a job for Firestorm. Good luck! 
''[Both reach Brainiac's command center but can't find him]''
:'''Batman''': No Brainiac. Where is he?
:'''Superman''': I don't know. ''(He uses his super-vision to find behind those penetrable layers, but is unsuccessful.)'' The ship's walls are lined with lead (a demerit of Superman's super-vision). ''(Suddenly, a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, from which Doctor Fate come out.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': ''(looking at them)'' Bruce Wayne of Earth. Kal-El of Krypton. Your battles echo across the Universe. Your war has had consequences neither of you could foresee. The chaos you spread is a cancer upon the cosmos. Only Brainiac can establish order... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Batman''': So much for the magical advantage. ''(to Superman)'' I'll take care of this. 
:'''Superman''': I'll keep searching for Brainiac. ''(Superman leaves.)'' 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Brainiac will achieve what you could not. He will quell Gotham's chaos... But for him to succeed, you must die. ''(Batman and Doctor Fate fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': I don't answer to your Lords of Order. ''(Doctor Fate's Helm falls down. He is now Dr. Kent. Batman picks the Helm and hands it over to Superman. With his superhuman strength, Superman crushes the Helm, liberating the spirit and the powers bestowed in that Helm.)''
:'''Dr. Kent''': ''(grateful to Superman)'' The Lords of Order... Their voices are gone. 
:'''Batman''': It's over, Kent.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I'm sorry for attacking. The Helm commanded me. 
:'''Superman''': They can't command you anymore. 
:'''Dr. Kent''': Both of you have defied fate. Courted Chaos. ''(Superman picks up Kent to stand)'' But now... To see you working together again... you must keep order, or the Lords will impose it. If not through Brainiac, then-- ''(A tendril is thrusted into Kent's body by Brainiac, torturing him. He lifts Kent in air and captures Kent into his ship. From behind...)''
:'''Brainiac''': Even a magical being like Doctor Fate recognizes my superiority. In time, the entire Universe will adhere to my design.
:'''Batman''': Unless we stop you.
:'''Brainiac''': ''(slowly descends to the ship's surface)'' I offer nothing less than deliverance. Your environment is poisoned, your civilization has exhausted its resources. The Earth's decline cannot be reversed. 
:'''Batman''': We'll find a way.
:'''Superman''': We always do. ''(Both head for a combat with Brainiac. Brainiac knocks down Superman, then Batman. His tendrils once again entangles Batman, while Superman tries resisting it and is knocked far away. Brainiac strangles Batman with his tendrils and at its maximum, he tosses Batman down, falling far away. Superman tackles Brainiac with super-speed, only to be knocked by him again. Superman then gives Brainiac a fistful blow, knocking Brainiac down.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's time is up. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara?
:'''Brainiac''': Being vivisected. She has already taught me much about the nature of your powers. 
:'''Superman''': Allow me to give you a proper demonstration... 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Ready for battle)'' I match your strength. You cannot match my intellect. You are only a Kryptonian... of which I have killed Billions! ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 1: '''Superman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': That was for Krypton. ''(Batman arrives at the scene, seeing the defeated Brainiac lying down.)'' ''(to Batman)'' The attacks on the fleet are weakening him. I could feel him losing steam as we fought. 
:'''Batman''': Good. Should make it easier to cut him off from the Betas... ''(Batman uses the signal disruptor on Brainiac, weakening his powers to link with his ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl, who was captured by Brainiac in his ship unconscious, regains senses. She tries to free herself from the cuffs she's been tied to and a Robot approaches her to torture her, but suddenly breaks down and falls. All the cuffs get automatically untied, releasing Supergirl. Brainiac's fighter jets moving in air lose signal from Brainiac's thoughts and also fall apart. The Skull ship also starts to take a terrifying diset.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(Through Brother Eye comms.; to everyone)'' This is Batman. Brainiac is down... 
:'''Cyborg''': ''(in reply)'' The disruptor worked! All the Betas are shutting down! ''(Superman approaches near Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': We did it. Now we find Kara-- ''(the ship shakes)'' What's happening?!
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's mind is the ship's CPU. Apparently he doesn't have a backup system... ''(The Skull ship loses control and descends to Earth at an increasing speed. Batman and Superman lose stability to stand.)''
:'''Superman''': If we crash, all the cities preserved onboard--
:'''Batman''': Destroyed. ''(Superman then decides to sit on Brainiac's command center.)'' Clark, wait! 
:'''Superman''': You said yourself, this ship is controlled by pure thought.
:'''Batman''': This could kill you!
:'''Superman''': Sounds like a job for me... ''(He injects the tendrils into his brain and tries to stabilize the Ship with his thoughts. Like a burning meteor, the ship is just few seconds before crashing into Earth. Somehow successfully, Superman gets control of the ship and saves it before crashing. Batman thinks of an alternative to protect Superman from hurting himself.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(suggesting a solution)'' Create a bypass loop. Put the ship on autopilot!
:'''Superman''': ''(in stress)'' Hrnn! Trying! ''(Brainiac regains back consciousness.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(in anger)'' My ship... You will not destroy my collection. ''(and he knocks Batman down. Both of them tackle each other.)'' ''(to Superman)'' Relinquish my ship. ''(from behind, Kara weakens Brainiac again using her heat vision. Brainiac slowly gets up, but a little weak.)'' ''(to Supergirl)'' You will regret that. ''(He approaches Supergirl, extending his strong tendrils and is about to capture, but gets blurred by Batman's smoke grenade.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You are persistent, but primitive theatrics cannot save you. ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 2: '''Batman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Batman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Batman''': Like you said, I'm persistent. ''(He goes to Superman to check what's happening. Kara looks at both of them, who prevailed in stopping Brainiac.)'' ''(To Superman)'' We need to get you out of there!
:'''Superman''': ''(amidst all the stress controlling the Skull ship)'' Not. yet. The cities... ''(All of the cities collected by Brainiac are restored back on Earth. Batman and Supergirl look at one city still in Brainiac's ship. Green Lantern, The Flash and Wonder Woman join these three in the ship. Superman tries really hard to restore that one city back, but fails and instead, becomes weak and falls down.)'' ''(Supergirl and Wonder Woman go to check if Superman's okay)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're okay... ''(Aquaman and Black Adam also join the crew which succeeded this mission.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I thought it was too late, but... I can hear the heartbeat of Atlantis--Brainiac's work is undone!
:'''Superman''': ''(regaining senses)'' Not all of it... I couldn't save everyone.
:'''Batman''': Some cities are still trapped in the collection. Others were lost... wiped from the Ship's memory. Metropolis, Coast City...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(worried; in doubt)'' But--we can still save them, right? Carol? My family? 
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I'm sorry, Hal. ''(Wonder Woman and Supergirl help Superman to get up.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': First Krypton, now Earth. No other world should suffer this. ''(Superman walks towards the fallen Brainiac to kill him, but is stopped by Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Clark, no. [and HERE'S THE BEGINNING OF THE RIFT BETWEEN SUPERHEROES] ''(Superman gives a confused and a raging look at Batman for stopping him.)'' Even if I agreed that he should die, you can't. We need him alive to save the rest of our cities.
:'''Superman''': ''(in disagreement)'' No we don't. With more time and Cyborg's help, the Ship will obey me. 
:'''Batman''': Or we could lose more cities. ''(the argument heats up.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(in support of Batman)'' Bruce is right. We can't be sure. 
:'''Aquaman''': ''(against Flash)'' What we can be sure of is that Brainiac puts everyone else at risk. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is no different than Joker. If you'd killed him, we might-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': It was never that simple, Diana! 
:'''Superman''': Yes it is, Bruce. Metropolis and Coast City are gone. ''(Batman sneaks out a metal: Gold Kryptonite from his suit)'' How many more innocent people die before you accept that some lives need to be taken?! ''(and Batman scratches that weapon across Superman's chest, a quick incapacitation of Superman's powers, as he falls down weak. Everyone step back seeing this surprise assualt. Blood flows out from his chest.)'' My powers? How did you...?
:'''Batman''': ''(clarifying Superman)'' Gold Kryptonite. Courtesy of Firestorm. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Get up, Kal. ''(Batman surrounds Superman and warns him of any movement.)'' 
:'''Batman''': STAY DOWN! Enough exposure and you'll be de-powered permanently. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Slowly getting up.)'' This madness has to end, Bruce. ''(They face each other.)'' 
'''[CHOOSE YOUR SIDE...SUPERMAN or BATMAN]'''

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Power... if Superman was chosen''====


''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over. ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind to attack Batman, while Superman tackles Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Both try dropping each other and they fall with a bang!)''
:'''Superman''': ''(surprised by Green Lantern's oppression)'' How can you be against me on this? He took Coast City! 
:'''Green Lantern''': Rage... ''(as Hal feels controlled by some power... the Red Lantern's rage. Eyes turn red.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about Carol, Hal. Brainiac has to pay! 
:'''Green Lantern''': No, Clark. My rage won't bring Carol back. Just like yours couldn't bring back Lois. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': You shouldn't have come back, Hal.
''[Back in Brainiac's ship, Aquaman tackles Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail.]''
:'''Batman''': I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! ''(Outside, Superman continues his raging punches on Green Lantern, until he finally twists Lantern's fingers. Flash and Supergirl hold Superman back, only for Superman to give them a taste of his super-strength. Supergirl gets up and goes towards her cousin to make him understand.)'' Kal, stop! These are your friends!
:'''Superman''': My &quot;friends&quot; should be helping me instead of standing in my way. ''(Supergirl and Superman head for a clash at super-speed, which ends in Superman taking Supergirl by her scruff and flinging her to a building. Flash charges on Superman at lightning speed, delivering swift, continuous punches on his abdomen. Superman pushes him away with his freeze breath and hurls Flash with a mighty punch. They both face each other.)''
This is on you, Barry. When you defected, the Regime fell. You left us vulnerable to Brainiac! You shouldn't have lost your nerve.
:'''The Flash''': I lost my nerve when I didn't stand up to you the first time, Clark. Never again. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': Stand up to that. ''(Supergirl arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal!
:'''Superman''': I can't forgive you so easily this time, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': There's still hope, Kal. I know you're afraid. For everybody. Ever since you lost Lois. 
:'''Superman''': I used to be afraid. ''(after a pause)'' Afraid my powers would make people fear me. Afraid who I'd hurt if I wasn't careful every second of everyday. I spent my whole life holding back. ''(in utter grief)'' My fear cost me Lois. That's why I don't hold back anymore. 
''[Superman chases Supergirl in air. Wonder Woman joins the chase with Superman. Kara breaks through the roads, leading Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' It's no accident you brought us here. 
:'''Batman''': ''(from behind)'' Of course, it isn't. ''(as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, they see Batman in a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Superman)'' I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her, leaving the cousins for a face-off.)''
:'''Superman''': You should want Brainiac dead more than anyone. Instead, you are undermining me.
:'''Supergirl''': Thank Rao, your father can't see you. When General Zod tried to take over Krypton, Jor-El (Superman's father) led the fight against him! That's who you come from... That's who you are, Kal. Not this. 
:'''Superman''': If Jor-El had been more like Zod, he might have saved Krypton. And I will save the Earth. ''['''Sub-Boss fight''': Supergirl vs Superman. Superman wins.]'' ''(Kal feels sorry and in grief that he had beaten up his cousin, who was meant to be his protector. Looking at her)'' I'm sorry... ''(Batman arrives at the scene, defeating Wonder Woman)''
:'''Batman''': Your war is over. ''(as Batman and Superman are now face-to-face for a final talk.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way. 
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything. 
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory. 
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime. 
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then. 
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win. 
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Superman''' v '''Batman''', Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': It's over, Bruce. ''(Batman fails to stop Superman treading in a wrong path. Superman further weakens him before he could gain energy back.)''
:'''Batman''': You don't have to do this. ''(Wonder Woman joins Superman)''
:'''Superman''': I'm not letting Brainiac live to put the Earth at risk again. 
:'''Batman''': Then what? I'm your next victim? 
:'''Superman''': ''(strangling Batman)'' I could have killed you years ago. It would've been so easy... 
:'''Batman''': So go ahead, Clark. Do it. Show me what a villain looks like... 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you want to see? ''(Batman nods as Superman gives him one last head-to-head knock and Batman falls unconscious.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': He's still breathing.
:'''Superman''': If he dies, he dies a martyr. I want him kept alive. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': We need to deal with Kara. 
:'''Superman''': She's young. Give her time. She'll come around.
:'''Wonder Woman''': And if she doesn't? 
:'''Superman''': She will. This time, everyone will.

====''Epilogue (if Superman wins)''====

''[Superman kills Brainiac, bonds with the ship, and reestablishes the regime with the help of all of Brainiac's captives. He offers an imprisoned Supergirl the chance to join his army, claiming he restored the remaining cities and put Earth at peace. When she refuses, Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman and explains that she will join one way or another.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''' : ''(In the Prison for Meta-Humans...) 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(looking at Superman)'' You bonded with Brainiac's ship...
:'''Superman''': Brainiac is dead. The remaining cities have been restored. And just like I told you, Earth is at peace. 
:'''Supergirl''': Under your heel. 
:'''Superman''': I wish you'd come around, Kara. I'm building a new army to protect the Earth. There are billions of warriors trapped in Brainiac's collection. Kryptonians, Daxamites, Czarnians... I'll have a legion whose power rivals the combined Lantern Corps. And I want you to lead it with me. 
:'''Supergirl''': Never Kal. 
:'''Superman''': You'll either make the right choice, or I'll make it for you. ''(Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman. Supergirl is shocked to see it.)'' What's it going to be? ''(Credits roll.)''

Story DLC.

supergirl: i..... i don't want to join you..... i want to return home with my father.

Superman: your father doesn't like you anymore. Nobody does! Deal with it! It's your only chance, kara!
Make a Choice, or have me make it for you.

Supergirl: then none of them is my Choice, kal!

Superman: i knew you had to say that......... but i took some purcation.

Supergirl: where did you get that kal?

Superman: nothing personal. You see, i set up some bombs that can be a hundred miles away. Ever since time beat itself, the planets made of their own universe around the world. So it's nothing to be ashamed of for any reasons. The regime may be a mistake to you, but that's all in the past. I even catch sight of these planets from all around the world all over again. This, on the other hand, belongs to earth.

Supergirl: what do you mean?

Superman: if you join me, if you swear to serve me, if you make a right Choice on leading the legion with the combined lantern corp powers with me, i will allow earth to live. But, if you reject me, even for a smallest request, earth will be........ erased. I just need to push this button, and everyone and everything earth has done, thought, or wished, will be lost, forever.

Supergirl: you can't be serious kal. Please, don't do this. I won't let that happen!

Superman: well it all really depends on you. Lead the legion of combined lantern corp powers with me. And earth.... will live.................... alright then, suite yourself. I'm going to lead the legion myself and.......

Supergirl: WAIT! I'll do it.

Superman: you clever girl.

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Justice... if Batman was chosen''====

''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over.  ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind and attacks Batman. Batman answers it with a smoke grenade, choking Aquaman's and then tackles him. Superman continues tackling Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Batman continues dodging Aquaman's strikes. While doing so...)''
:'''Batman''': Arthur, don't do this! You don't want to follow Clark! 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm not following anyone. ''(kicking Batman)'' You've never understood Atlantis, Bruce... We're an ancient people with an old-fashioned sense of justice. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Atlantis needs to get with the times. ''(Aquaman gives a final assault on Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail as he thrusts the Trident at Aquaman itself.)'' I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! 
''[Scene cuts. Black Adam takes Batman captive in air outside Brainiac's ship.]''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Batman)'' There's no escape. ''(Batman gives a head-to-head knock at Adam.)'' You wish to fall? So be it. ''(and Black Adam leaves Batman to fall from that height. As Batman gets closer to the ground, he glides easily with his cape, safely landing. Black Adam also descends towards Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Go back to Kahndaq, Adam. Stay here and you'll be prosecuted.
:'''Black Adam''': You'd have to capture me, Batman. And I've underestimated you for the last time. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': All that ancient wisdom. Wasted. ''(Through Brother Eye comms.)'' Supergirl, where are you?
:'''Supergirl''': They're following me. (&quot;They&quot; refers Superman and Wonder Woman)
:'''Batman''': Lead them to the Cave. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman leaves for his BatCave. He gets his Bat-mobile and reaches his cave. Through his command center, he now wears a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit. Kara leads Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave as Batman said.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': (to Supergirl) It's no accident you brought us here.
:'''Batman''': (from behind) Of course, it isn't. (as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, Batman appears.)
:'''Supergirl''': (to Superman) I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her. Both the cousins leave to fight elsewhere.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to Batman)'' This is the last time, Bruce. No more secrets. No more schemes. 
:'''Batman''': Schemes? I'm not the one who stoked Clark's worst fears. ''(Wonder Woman attacks him with his sword, only to be defended and hit back by Batman. They continue tackling each other.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': To pacify man's world, Kal needed steel, not compassion. 
:'''Batman''': But you didn't bring peace. You started a war. ''['''Sub-boss fight''': Wonder Woman vs Batman. Batman wins.]'' ''(to a defeated Wonder Woman)'' Your war is over. ''(Batman then approaches Superman who had defeated Supergirl.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way.
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything.
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory.
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime.
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then.
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win.
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Batman''' v '''Superman''', Batman emerges victorious!]'' ''(Superman gets up again and decides to try one last assault on Batman, but a series of punches from Batman just weakens Superman more and finally falls unconscious. Batman too drops at his knee, seeing how he failed to make his friend Kal understand and instead, had to take him down. Supergirl gains consciousness and comes towards Batman.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(worried; to Batman)'' Is he...
:'''Batman''': He'll be out for a while. I'm sorry, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': For what? 
:'''Batman''': I couldn't save him.

====''Epilogue (if Batman wins)''====


''[Batman depowers Superman permanently with Gold Kryptonite and imprisons him in the Phantom Zone. He decides to create a new Justice League with his allies and offers Supergirl a membership within it.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''': ''(A defeated, handcuffed Superman (in a prisoner's attire) is now incapacitated of his powers permanently using Gold Kryptonite and the red sun rays.)''

:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Kara, it's safe now. ''(as she descends down and walks towards Clark.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(egoistic)'' Even without my powers, the Phantom Zone can't hold me. I'll be back. 
:'''Batman''': We'll be ready. ''(Superman stares at Batman as Batman now opens the entrance to Phantom Zone, imprisoning Clark. Before leaving...)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, I don't... I wish--
:'''Clark Kent''': We were family, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': We still are. I hope someday you'll see that. ''(as Superman turns back and enters into the Phantom Zone)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(trying to console Supergirl)'' Are you all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': No. ''(after a brief pause)'' This symbol should give people hope. ''(pointing at the 'S' in her suit)'' He made them fear it. 
:'''Batman''': That symbol's meaning is up to the person who wears it. When Clark and I founded the Justice League, we didn't govern people. We protected them. Plain and simple. Maybe... the world could use a team like that again. ''(suggesting the idea of forming Justice League again with Supergirl)'' Welcome to the circle of trust. ''(and they both shake hands. Credits roll.)''

==Voice cast==
*Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
*George Newbern as Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman
*Susan Eisenburg as Princess Diana / Diana Prince / Wonder Woman
*Scott Porter as Damian Wayne / Robin
*Joey Naber as Black Adam
*Laura Bailey as Kara Zor-El / Supergirl
*Alan Tudyk as Green Arrow
*Vanessa Marshall as Black Canary
*Steve Blum as Hal Jordan/Green Lantern, Sub-Zero, Victor Zsasz
*Taliesin Jaffe as The Flash
*Khary Payton as Cyborg , Grid
*Tara Strong as Harley Quinn, Dr. Randell
*Grey DeLisle as Catwoman, Alura In-Ze
*Richard Epcar as the Joker, Raiden
*Fred Tatasciore as Bane, Swamp Thing, Martin Stein
*Tasia Valenza as Poison Ivy
*Robert Englund as Scarecrow
*Phil LaMarr as Aquaman, Lucius Fox, John Stewart/Green Lantern
*Ogie Banks as Firestorm
*Anthony Del Rio as Blue Beetle
*David Sobolov as Doctor Fate
*C. Thomas Howell as Captain Cold
*Erica Luttrell as Cheetah
*Matthew Mercer as Deadshot
*Charles Halford as Gorilla Grodd
*Ike Amadi as Atrocitus
*Jeffrey Combs as Brainiac
*Michael-Leon Wooley as Darkseid
*Liam O'Brien as Reverse Flash, Brainiac 5
*Megalyn Echikunwoke as Vixen
*Travis Willingham as Flash (Jay Garrick)
*Sara Cravens as Power Girl
*Jim Pirri as Mr. Freeze
*Patrick Seitz as Bizarro
*Cameron Bowen as Red Hood
*Kari Wahlgren as Starfire
*Kane Jungbluth-Murry as Black Lightning, Black Manta
*Bruce Barker as Hellboy
*Matthew Yang King as Atom
*Brandy Kopp as June Moone/Enchantress
*Corey Krueger as Leonardo
*Joe Brogie  as Donatello
*Ben Rausch as Raphael
*Ryan Cooper as Michelangelo

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2017 video games]]
[[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]]
[[Category:Xbox One video games]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]]''''' is a fighting game released in May 2017 for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One that is a sequel to [[Injustice: Gods Among Us]].  It was released by NetherRealm Studios, known for creating the recent Mortal Kombat games.

== Character Endings ==
*'''Batman''': Brainiac's attack left the world devastated. Thousands dead, many more thousands homeless. When President Kane asked that I head up the emergency response, I couldn't refuse. The job's demands required that I leave the Justice League in Barry's and Hal's hands. Together they're molding the younger heroes into a force for good unlike any Earth has even seen. But I'm only semi-retired. Behind the scenes, I've been preparing for Superman's return. Kal swore he'd escape from the Phantom Zone. I'd be foolish not to take him at his word.

*'''Superman''': I vowed to protect the Earth. But to guarantee its safety, I need to expand my vision. Brainiac's ship is the ultimate weapon. But in my hands, it could be so much more. Millions of civilizations await rebirth in Brainiac's collection. I'll find the bravest and strongest warriors among them, and I'll start a new Regime. No, a new Legion. The Legion of Superheroes! With it, I'll bring peace not just to Earth, but to the entire universe! And the universes that lie beyond!

*'''Wonder Woman''': When Batman tore down the Regime, man's world called me a tyrant. My Amazon sisters disowned me. That Brainiac showed Earth what a tyrant truly looks like. The people begged for deliverance-- and I gave them Brainiac's head. Once again, it falls upon the Regime to restore peace and order. Batman and the traitors who followed him will be punished. Even Kara Zor-El. Then I will return to Themyscira-- and deal with my sisters. If they do not heed my commands, they will bow to force. So says Diana, princess of the Amazons, slayer of Brainiac!

*'''Catwoman''': With nine lives, it had to happen sooner or later. I got everything I ever wanted, including a handsome prince and a badass reputation as the woman who beat Brainiac. And I must say... I was bored to death. Bruce and I worked better when we were forbidden. When the masks were on and the claws were out. That honeymoon was over, so I did the best thing for both of us. I'm not sad. I didn't become Catwoman to bag Bruce Wayne. I don't ever want to rely on anyone but myself. I'll go where I want to go, take what I want to take. And never, ever look back.

*'''Joker''': I hadn't begun my day thinking I'd give a wannabe alien overlord a haircut. That was a happy accident. But what I first thought a distraction inspired my life's greatest work. I found Brainiac's collection. Those poor cities from across the universe, trapped aboard his ship. There was only one thing to do! I restored them. And gave Earth the reboot it so desperately needed! I stitched together a crazy quilt of alien civilizations, without regard to rhyme or reason. Afraid, confused, devolved to their basest instincts, they kill each other in the most sickening ways. And I get to sit back, munch popcorn, and enjoy the show -- watching as the world burns! ''Hehehehahahahaha!''

*'''Harley Quinn''': I still can't believe it! Me, bringing down Brainiac! Who knew? Still, Bats surprised me, offering me a spot in the Justice League! Not totally sure he ain't crazy! But who says no to that guy? You know, being good feels good. But every now and again, every once in a while, I get this irresistible urge to go out and '''BASH SOME HEADS!''' Hopefully, being good'll stick long term. Till I'm sure, my kid, Lucy's still gonna know me as her crazy aunt Harleen. Maybe someday, I can give her the real scoop.

*'''Cyborg''': Brainiac thought he had me all figured out. Said my humanity made me weak. But fighting for humanity gave me the strength to body that punk-ass Coluan. And before he dropped, I took a few things... His twelfth-level intellect and his ship's data core. I thought the Internet was gigantic. But now? I've got the whole wide universe at my fingertips. First up, I put back every Earth city Brainiac stole, starting with my hometown, The Motor City! Then I keep going... Superman wants to secure one world, but I can reboot tens of thousands! Every last one in Brainiac's Collection. Gonna be a long trip. But another benefit of my new twelfth-level intellect is I can reunite with some old friends. Titans Together. Boo-yah.

*'''Bane''': Who would have ever imagined a sickly boy born in a prison would survive to become humanity's savior? I did. And now the world is mine. So I say to all prisoners... Rise! Come out! Kill your wardens! Make slaves of your guards. Teach them the meaning of despair! We have no more prisons, no police, no Regime left to fight... ''[Sighs]'' No one left to fight. Any worthy opponent has already... fallen... Dios mio. Perhaps victory can be a prison. A possibility I never imagined...

*'''Robin''': Bruce Wayne was my father, and it's no secret I hated him. But despite all that, he sacrificed himself to save me. Giving me the chance to stop Brainiac permanently. I was so obsessed with escaping the bat's shadow, that I never appreciated what that symbol really meant. Not until I saw it stained with my father's blood. My blood. This symbol is my legacy, a legacy of vengeance. My name is Damian Wayne, son of Bruce, grandson of the demon. I've been called Robin, and Nightwing. But from now on, the world will know me as... Batman.

*'''Flash''': So much for heroes. Brainiac had barely hit the floor when the arguing started. Should we kill him? Keep him alive? I couldn't watch them go to war. Not again. So I ran -- into the speed force! Brainiac wanted the universe to himself, so I dropped him off at the end of history. But I still kept running. I needed to be alone. Then I heard a familiar voice... It was Jay -- and the other speedsters! A crisis is coming, he told me! But if we run fast enough, together, we just might save the Multiverse. I thought I'd been running away. But I was running toward something. It's good to believe in heroes again.

*'''Jason Rusch''': The professor and me worked our tails off to control our powers. But Stein figured out the only way to beat Brainiac was to lose control.
:'''Martin Stein''': I correctly calculated that overheating Brainiac's engines would weaken him. But the quantum disruption we created caused an... unexpected chain reaction... The Skull Ship exploded... and every city Brainiac stole from Earth was obliterated. Metropolis. Coast City. All of them.
:'''Jason Rusch''': We thought we'd finally be the big heroes. The ones everyone looks up to.
:'''Martin Stein''': But in our hubris, we lost sight of the hero's duty: protecting others at all costs.
:'''Jason Rusch''': And we can't make that kinda mistake again.
:'''Martin Stein''': But still, if you ever need us, Batman...
:'''Both''': We'll be here.

*'''Doctor Fate''': The Lords of Order believed Earth couldn't be saved. That only Brainiac's evil could restore order. I knew refusing the Lords' Fate would anger them, and that they'd try to destroy me. Anyone else would have nowhere to run. Fortunately, I still have friends in low places. The House of Mystery guards the Helm. Zatanna and Constantine's spells conceal me from the Lords. But it was John's daughter, Rose, who gave me the greatest gift of all. My wife, Inza, returned to life and in my arms again. For the first time since taking up the Helm, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And that is... perfect.

*'''Black Canary''': I'd have loved to kick back and savor kicking Brainiac's ass, but I had to rush home. I didn't know if Connor had made it out of the invasion OK. Turns out I didn't need to worry. The crazy stress of Brainiac's attack had activated my son's metagene, and if there's one thing you don't want to mess with, it's a scared, pissed-off three-year-old with superpowers. Sure I love that Connor takes after me, but... raising him suddenly got a lot more complicated. I'm just glad to have people around that can help me and Ollie figure this whole thing out.

*'''Green Arrow''': Taking down that green-skinned bastard got me thinking about the people of my Earth. My universe's Brainiac had never come calling. I had to warn them. By the time I got home, it was too late. My Earth was *this* close to being gone for good. But that's when the strangest cavalry you've ever seen rode in. It was a full-on, multiverse Justice League! They'd been hopping between universes, battling Brainiac in every one. I couldn't refuse when they asked me to join. I've seen what Brainiac can do. Nobody, in any universe, should have to face that threat again.

*'''Captain Cold''': Going after the Regime was one thing. But destroy the planet for Brainiac? You really thought I'd go through with it, Grodd? Really?! ''[BLEEP!]'' you! Sorry it's been a while, sis. I know I've always got an excuse. But this time, I-I finally figured out the right way to honor your memory. I know what you're thinking. &quot;Old Lenny sold out.&quot; So what? I'm making sure the Regime and Brainiac never happen again. Even buried the hatchet with old Scarlet Speedster. Ironically or whatever, he's the best partner I ever had. 'Sides you, sis.

*'''Cheetah''': Hungry for his blood, I prepared to claim Brainiac. But the alien, desperate to save his life, sputtered out an offer. Brainiac said that if I spared him, he'd deposit any of his collected beings I wanted on a world of my choosing. There, I could pursue them at my leisure. So now I hunt, free from Wonder Woman's interference. With each kill, I glorify the Goddess. As for Brainiac? Of course I didn't abide our agreement. I'd never given up on killing him. A true huntress always catches her prey.

*'''Atrocitus''': My punishment of Brainiac's crimes had unintended consequences. His death disabled his ship. Billions of collected souls perished. I did not know they could be restored. Their deaths unleashed such rage. My Red Lanterns were overwhelmed. They drove me from Ysmault. They would have killed me, if not for Proselyte. The emotional entity offered me compassion, not rage, in the face of my grave error. I now understand the emotional spectrum requires balance. My Red Lanterns' rage must punish the worst offenders. But it cannot blindly consume those who deserve compassion.

*'''Supergirl''': My hands still shake when I remember Brainiac's &quot;collection&quot; of Krypton. I want to give the world he stole a second chance. But bonding with Brainiac's ship is too risky. I need a safer way to restore our cities. I'm so glad for the Justice League's help. Barry, Professor Stein--they've already taught me so much. Every day, we get closer to reversing Brainiac's collection process. When we do, we'll pick the right star system. What Brainiac ruined will be reborn--Argo City and Kandor, twin cities, survivors. I couldn't save Kal-El. But I will save our people.

*'''Darkseid''': The Coluan, Brainiac, was a genius without peer. But. I. Am. A God. I could not allow an errant intellect to steal the object of my vengeance. Superman refused to submit to my will, denied my conquest of Earth, and killed my son, Kalibak. He suffered and perished. But not until I told him exactly what would happen after he died. Kara Zor-El proved quite resilient, but eventually, DeSaad broke her. She is a powerful weapon--a natural leader for my new, invincible breed of parademons, cloned from the DNA of Superman himself. Superman robbed me of my blood. Now, our score is settled. That is the will of Darkseid!

*'''Swamp Thing''': Many throughout history have underestimated the green. In this way, Brainiac was no different than Superman or Batman. They all thought they could improve upon nature. They all were wrong. Earth belonged to the green for eons before animals evolved. Now, the trees and plants will remind these animals upon whose planet they reside. When the next crisis comes, nature will protect itself. I stand with the green, and the green alone.

*'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians ordered me to bring Brainiac to Oa to stand trial. I was plenty happy to put a few thousand light years between that alien and Earth. After the trial, the Guardians dropped a bombshell on me. Sinestro was free. Busted outta their ScienceCells. A frontal assault on the Sinestro Corps was a no go. Us Greens were still weak from fighting Superman's regime. That's why I volunteered to go undercover-- as a Yellow Lantern. To pass, I need to re-embrace my fear. But fear's an addiction. Once I've picked up that bottle, it's gonna be awfully hard putting it back down again. I just hope I have the will to see it through.

*'''Gorilla Grodd''': The befuddled look frozen on Brainiac's dead face is a vision I will always relish. Even as I ripped the head from his body, the alien couldn't believe that an ape was taking his life. {Laughs} I quickly mastered Brainiac's technology, exponentially increasing my telepathic power. Then I enslaved Earth's humans, finally relegating them to their proper place. But my victory over those vermin was only the beginning. Now fully in command of Brainiac's vast powers, I am the greatest conqueror the Universe has ever seen. All worlds will kneel before Emperor Grodd.

*'''Deadshot''': Grodd used the damned nano-explosive in my head to make me his bitch. The jobs he made me do... well, let's just say they crossed some lines. I bet taking Brainiac and Grodd into the authorities would beat doing another stretch in Belle Reve... and I was right. Bruce Wayne even bankrolled getting rid of my TNT migraines for good. I frickin' hate hospitals, but god, was it worth it. With that nano safely out, I could finally see Zoe again. Last time I saw my little girl, she had nine candles on her birthday cake. Now I gotta second shot at being dad-- and I sure as hell don't plan to miss it.

*'''Poison Ivy''': Of all the men I've charmed, Brainiac was the most useful. With his help, I finally slaughtered the so-called heroes. Then I whispered in his ear, &quot;Collect every last city on Earth, and I'll give you a kiss&quot;. And he did it. Every last city. I finally brought human civilization crashing to the ground. As for Brainiac, he got the kiss he deserved. But he was just a fling. After all, I was going to be busy leading the green... I should've know there'd be some competition. Swamp Thing's sympathy for humans makes him weak. The plants know I'm their real guardian. And when the leaves settle, there will be no doubt-- this world is mine.

*'''Blue Beetle''': Oh, man-- dude!-- I cannot even describe what it felt like! Sure, I was just the newb in the crew. But like, you think I'd ever let Brainiac kill Batman, and what, blow up the world? No manches! When it was over, Batman was all-- (clears throat, imitates Batman:) &quot;The world is safe thanks to you, Jaime. I'd like to make you LEADER of the new Justice League, if that's cool with you.&quot;  Wow! That was a really tempting offer, you know. But if there's one thing better than saving Batman, it's saving mi familia. I haven't been around them much since I got the Scarab. So for now, I'm moving home and going back to school. And if this so-called &quot;normal&quot; life doesn't work out? There's always the Justice League.

*'''Aquaman''': Superman was right. Brainiac needed to die. But I couldn't stomach the idea of Kal's return to power. Atlantis would not again be his vassal. With Batman beaten and his allies imprisoned, I couldn't muster the force I needed to take Superman down. I'd all but lost hope when my marines discovered an abandoned Insurgent base hidden in the Southern Ocean. Here Lex Luthor perfected his inter-universe transporter. From plans left behind, my scientists built a new device. Now I go and ask for the help of those I had fought. I must also ask their forgiveness.

*'''Black Adam''': I returned to find Kahndaq devastated from Brainiac's attack. My beloved queen was dead. I brought her broken body to the Lazarus Pits, intent on her resurrection. But my entry was barred by Ra's Al Ghul. He offered a trade: access to the pits in exchange for my aid in bringing him to power. Ra's admired Superman's regime, but felt it should have gone further. While I have no love for Ra's, I accepted his terms. I will pay any price to again feel the embrace of my dearest wife. 

*'''Scarecrow''': After studying Brainiac's blood, I tweaked my fear toxin to exploit his alien biology. And as I gained control of his shattered mind, I also gained control of his ship. I began to explore Brainiac's enormous collection, soon realizing it was an unprecedented opportunity for study. Billions of species, from millions of worlds. Each with its own phobias and fears. Now, the Skull Ship is my laboratory. As it glides through the vast darkness of space, its collected beings are subjected to their worst nightmares. With each I study, my knowledge grows. It may take decades, but I will become the universe's greatest master of fear.

*'''Starfire''': Back in the day, this victory would have called for a party in the Titans' Tower. The music, the laughter, the mustard with pizza on bottom. But these days, I have no party mates. Raven became a servant of Trigon. Cyborg, he joined the regime. Beast Boy has been missing for so long, I must assume he is dead. Dick Grayson... he was my star-crossed soulmate. He will never be replaced. And now... all that's left is me, last of the Titans. Dick would not approve of the moping. I only overcame the loss of Tamaran by coming to Earth and forging new bonds of friendship with the Titans. It is incumbent upon me to repeat history. To forge new bonds of friendship. Maybe they're not ''my'' Titans, but the only way I know to honor my lost friends is to make sure that no matter what, that we'll always be Titans together. After all, I beat Brainiac. ''That'' was a victory, and victories call for mustard parties.

*'''Sub-Zero''': I arrived in this realm accidentally, driven here by magic unleashed as I forced Kotal Kahn's retreat from Earthrealm to Outworld. I was seeking a route home when Brainiac attacked. I could not allow this vile invader to add this planet, or myself, to his collection. In gratitude for my flawless victory, Batman offered the Justice League's aid. While I waited on him to unlock the magic of inter-realm travel, I provided valuable kombat training to the youngest members of his order. But the spells that were devised went awry. Instead of opening a portal to Earthrealm, they opened a gateway to the Phantom Zone. Now I fight to re-imprison Superman and his followers. They would not have been freed, but for my accidental arrival in this realm. I am now duty-bound to protect it, as if it were my own.

*'''Red Hood''': That... felt... good... Titanium composite hollow point bullets with a C4 kicker. Fastest, most explosive ammo in the world. I made them myself. With the invasion over, Bruce and Superman started fighting again. I wasn't down with either of them. On the one hand, the regime's right: scumbag murderers and rapists deserve to die. But on the other hand, I'm no fan of government authority. Especially the dictatorial variety. So, while the world's finest fight each other, I fight for the people, the weak, the innocent, anyone who can't protect themselves. When they cry out for a savior, I'll answer! As for the criminals that threaten them, they need to know that their actions have consequences! That the Red Hood is coming for them!

*'''Raiden''': Though I had finished Shinnok, his corruption of Earthrealm's Jinsei has cracked the barrier between my realm and this one. I began having visions of Brainiac's collection of this Earth. I realized that Brainiac's actions would soon destroy the barrier among all the realms. All life would be annihilated. With Brainiac dispatched, I tended the injured. His wounds too great, Kent Nelson could not be saved. But as he died, he warned me: the Armageddon I had foreseen was the design of the Lords of Order. By destroying reality, they would return the multiverse to a perfectly ordered state, obliterating Chaos. To defeat this powerful magic, the Justice League turned to this Earth's most proficient wizards and sorcerers. I gladly accepted the invitation to join them. The Lords will be contained, Order and Chaos will remain balance. Life as we know it, will continue.

*'''Hellboy''': Somehow, Brainiac shanghaied me on a slow boat to this universe. Bastard had big dreams about me in his &quot;Collection.&quot; Guess what I thought about that idea. Taking Brainiac out certainly got folk's attention. I got a lotta offers to stick around, but I got bored quick. Megalomaniac villains and tights-wearing heroes really aren't my thing. What's it they say? Home is where the heart is? But when I got back, things just weren't the same. The bureau was too small. Was time for me to hit the road. Africa was totally the right call. The wide open spaces suit me. Clean air, starry skies and, not surprisingly, more than a few monsters to hunt. All in all, makes for a pretty good life.

*'''Black Manta''': Brainiac stole Atlantis. For that, I could have thanked him. But that wasn't enough. Arthur Curry's kingdom had to be wiped from history. Forgotten. Lost. As it should be. I found just the place, guarded by Earth's most savage predators. Once upon a time, Arthur Curry killed my father. Now that I've killed his kingdom, all that remains is to kill &quot;the King&quot; himself. Only then will I consider my father's murder avenged. Only then will I rest. And what of Aquaman? Does he come forward to avenge his own people? No. He hides behind an alien and an Amazon. Let him. It won't save him. Compared to that alien freak, Brainiac, these three will be fish for the slaughter. And when they're dead, the world can thank Black Manta.

*'''June Moone''': When it comes to magic, even Brainiac has a lot to learn. He thought he could &quot;collect&quot; the power of the Enchantress. So I let him have it. And sure enough, the old witch ate him alive. It was over. Brainiac was beaten. But even more miraculously, the Enchantress... was gone. After years of that witch feeding on me, torturing me, corrupting me... I'm free. No more aliases, no evil alter-egos, I can just be June Moone. I got my old job back at the design studio, I even have a date this Friday! Piece by piece, I'm rebuilding my old life. Once I've--No! Get out of my head!
:'''Enchantress''': June, June, June. Did you really think you could dispose of me so easily? Brainiac's collection was a revelation. You and I have been thinking far too small. Why corrupt one Earth, when we can bewitch all 52?

*'''Atom''': Brainiac's armor made him impervious to harm, from the outside, at least. He'll survive this minor brain surgery. He just won't be able to control his Skull Ship anymore. Crisis averted, I can get back to searching for my missing mentor, Professor Ray Palmer. Last year, Palmer dove headfirst into the Microverse, a subatomic dimension he himself discovered. In case he got lost, he left behind a trail of clues and designated an asthmatic research fellow, yours truly, to follow them. That trail's gone cold. Which is why I'm upgrading my bio-belt with Brainiac's technology. It's my turn to get subatomic. I'm not the strongest or bravest hero out there. But Professor Palmer? He's an Einstein-level genius. He trusted me with his astonishing legacy. The Atom is not going to let him down.

*'''Brainiac''': Brainiac: Obviously Batman and Superman have many questions. Where did I come from? Why am I here? Am I friend or foe? It is time to reveal the truth.
:'''Brainiac 5''': I'm Brainiac 5. A descendant of the original Brainiac, but without his homicidal tendencies. In the future, people fear Coluans because of my ancestor. So I elected to come back in time and fix that. Now that I'm done, I'm going back where I belong--the 31st century. The Legion of Super-Heroes will grill me for &quot;borrowing&quot; a time bubble. But all they really need to know is that I'm on their side, and always will be. Long live the Legion!

*'''Michaelangelo''': So you're like, totally wondering where we vanished off to, right?
:'''Raphael''': It was Krang, Mikey! He sent--
:'''Leonardo''': Raph, they might not know who Krang is. Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Sure, Leo. Krang is an Utromian criminal turned intergalactic despot from Dimension X. He's known--
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, what he said. Anyway, we're the biggest heroes in our universe, right? That's why Krang tried booting us to Dimension X: to make way for his invasion.
:'''Michelangelo''': But instead we ended up on a different Earth! Way awesomer!
:'''Donatello''': Krang sent us across the Multiverse, to a universe vibrating on a unique frequency--which is a macrocosmic constellation of--
:'''Raphael''': Enough with the technobabble, Donnie.
:'''Leonardo''': Chill, Raph. Anyway, it shouldn't have surprised us that this new universe had its own intergalactic despot. We knew we had to stop Brainiac or else we--
:'''Michelangelo''': Just skip to the best part, bro! Once we whooped Brainiac, I asked that kooky clown lady where to get a good pizza, and she's all, [Harley impression] &quot;Let me get you turtles the Supah Salty Pizza&quot;. I swear on my life, that pizza was the scrumdiddly.
:'''All Turtles''': Mmmmmm!
:'''Leonardo''': Krang thought he'd beaten us, but in the end his whole plan backfired.
:'''Donatello''': The &quot;Super Salt&quot; on Harley's pizza? Edible nanotech called 5-U-93-R. It temporarily augmented our physiques and durability.
:'''Raphael''': Plain English: we became ultra-turtles.
:'''Leonardo''': Krang didn't stand a chance.
:'''Michelangelo''': Yeah, you could say this little adventure gave our Turtle Power one shell of an upgrade!
:'''All Turtles''': Lame! So lame! Epic fail! Even Shredder's--Are you serious? That was terrible!
:'''Michelangelo''': Whatever, dudes. That was funny.

== Dialogue == 
=== Fight Intros ===
:'''Superman''': Only criminals need to fear me.
:'''Batman''': Shazam and Green Arrow were criminals?
:'''Superman''': Casualties of war.


:'''Atrocitus''': You appear feeble…
:'''Supergirl''': I punch above my weight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Yet, you won’t match my RAGE!


:'''Wonder Woman''': So, how does this end, Bane?
:'''Bane''': By hanging you with your own lasso!
:'''Wonder Woman''': That venom's gone to your head!


:'''Supergirl''': You gonna spit up on me, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': Irritating female!
:'''Supergirl''': You know who else does that? Babies.


:'''Catwoman''': Nice outfit.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yours is just... alright.
:'''Catwoman''': Take that back!


:'''Joker''': Harley, your pet got out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am no one's pet!
:'''Joker''': Back in your cage, monkey!


:'''Cyborg''': Well, if it isn't the walking gun show.
:'''Deadshot''': Have a seat. It's just starting.
:'''Cyborg''': I'll handle the finale.


:'''Brainiac''': Your wardrobe is anachronistic.
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an homage. Robin Hood?
:'''Brainiac''': Your legend will not eclipse his.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I can grow wings, Lantern.
:'''Green Lantern''': OK, now it's a contest.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Do I actually have a sister?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Pffft, as if.
:'''Supergirl 1''': How dare you get my hopes up!


:'''Flash''': What's up, Leonard?
:'''Captain Cold''': Our final showdown, Flash.
:'''Flash''': You always say that.


:'''Scarecrow''': All your rage is for nothing.
:'''Atrocitus''': Vengeance is everything!
:'''Scarecrow''': But your family is lost forever.


:'''Poison Ivy''': You were supposed to help the green!
:'''Superman''': Sometimes, we have to compromise.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'm done compromising!


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'm in a league all my own!
:'''Robin''': The world's better off without you.


:'''Joker''': Love the lightning! Nice zip-crackle!
:'''Black Adam''': I'm glad you approve.
:'''Joker''': Let's see if killing you shuts it off!


:'''Brainiac''': You are not afraid to die.
:'''Deadshot''': What's to be afraid of?
:'''Brainiac''': Non-existence.


:'''Cyborg''': You had any sense, you'd go home.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got plenty of dollars, but not much cents.
:'''Cyborg''': That's a good way to get yourself killed.


:'''Catwoman''': I hear you like cats.
:'''Atrocitus''': Some more than others.
:'''Catwoman''': You definitely won't like this one.


:'''Flash''': I was too late to stop you last time.
:'''Joker''': And Metropolis fell down and went &quot;BOOM!&quot;
:'''Flash''': Today's gonna be different!


:'''Deadshot''': Just fists, Bane? You nuts?
:'''Bane''': I need no weapons, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': Time to scramble those ''huevos''.


:'''Blue Beetle''': It's Beetle versus Bat!
:'''Batman''': Bats '''eat''' beetles.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ...that escalated quickly.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': That ring will be mine, Lantern.
:'''Atrocitus''': You can't pry it from my finger.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll bite off the whole hand!


:'''Joker''': Didn't I kill you already?
:'''Scarecrow''': Maybe I'm back to haunt you.
:'''Joker''': Well, you'll have to be much scarier.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Kara Zor-el?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Who wants to know?
:'''Supergirl 1''': ''Kara Zor-el.''


:'''Cheetah''': Protector of the green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Are you human or beast?
:'''Cheetah''': I am something much deadlier.


:'''Superman''': You can't have Earth, Brainiac!
:'''Brainiac''': It would fare better under your regime?
:'''Superman''': In every way that matters.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Aquaman''': With my fists or my trident. Your choice.
:'''Deadshot''': Go ahead, demonstrate.


:'''Robin''': Why is my father still alive?
:'''Wonder Woman''': We had to wait for the right time.
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is splintered.
:'''Cyborg''': How's that?
:'''Doctor Fate''': The machine lives, but the man dies.


:'''Batman''': You and Stein need to learn control.
:'''Firestorm''': That's kind of a thing with you, isn't it?
:'''Batman''': You're too powerful to be impulsive!


:'''Atrocitus''': You don't fit on the emotional spectrum!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Bats says I'm a girl of contradiction.
:'''Atrocitus''': You're a danger to ''all'' Lanterns!


:'''Catwoman''': Should I call you Green Arrow Junior?
:'''Green Arrow''': Call me the ghost of Arrow Past.
:'''Catwoman''': Hmm, clever too. I like that.


:'''Captain Cold''': Frost Warning.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll protect my children!
:'''Captain Cold''': Cover 'em with a tarp.


:'''Cheetah''': The Goddess gives me speed!
:'''Flash''': Maybe, but I've got the speed force!
:'''Cheetah''': Touché, I suppose.


:'''Deadshot''': It ain't so hard scaring people.
:'''Scarecrow''': You have a preferred method?
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, a loaded gun.


:'''Atrocitus''': I've heard Solovar's cries!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Dead rulers tell no tales.
:'''Atrocitus''': He laments his death at your hands!


:'''Swamp Thing''': Stand down, Black Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': Kandahq is mine to command!
:'''Swamp Thing''': The plants are not your subjects.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal? You're free?
:'''Superman''': You sound disappointed.
:'''Supergirl''': I wouldn't if you'd changed.


:'''Firestorm''': Your suit's made of hardlight energy.
:'''Green Lantern''': Yeah, and what have you got, kid?
:'''Firestorm''': Just the power to manipulate energy!


:'''Scarecrow''': Such a frightful family history.
:'''Batman''': Don't, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': You failed your Mommy and Daddy.


:'''Green Arrow''': I'm growing tomatoes. Any tips?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Choke on them.
:'''Green Arrow''': No salsa for you.


:'''Wonder Woman''': Your Society is a poor man's Regime.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': With Brainiac, it cannot lose!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Those who bargain with devils always lose.


:'''Brainiac''': I have studied your technique.
:'''Catwoman''': Impressed, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': Your defeat will be painful.


:'''Joker''': And what can I do for you?
:'''Black Adam''': You can die screaming.
:'''Joker''': Would you settle for a balloon?


:'''Flash''': You've gotta commit to being a hero.
:'''Blue Beetle''': But I'm not sure I'm cracked up for this.
:'''Flash''': That hesitation'll get you killed!


:'''Aquaman''': I don't like you as Superman's right hand.
:'''Robin''': What's your beef with me?
:'''Aquaman''': You give no voice to moderation.


:'''Green Arrow''': Much broodier than my Batman.
:'''Batman''': Do you know how many friends I've lost?
:'''Green Arrow''': Right, not funny.


:'''Darkseid''': This planet bows to Darkseid.
:'''Swamp Thing''': The green bows to no one.
:'''Darkseid''': You will, Avatar!


:'''Firestorm''': How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
:'''Scarecrow''': A film reference!?
:'''Firestorm''': Next time, Professor, ''I'll'' do the trash-talking!


:'''Deadshot''': Hola, Amigo!
:'''Bane''': Do not butcher my language!
:'''Deadshot''': Fine! I'll just butcher you!


:'''Batman''': This wasn't the plan, Jordan.
:'''Green Lantern''': Can't plan everything, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're too reckless.


:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab is screaming in my ear to kill you!
:'''Joker''': Sounds like a wise gent, this Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Man, you are as nuts as it says.


:'''Robin''': I won't hold back, Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': How will I be able to tell?
:'''Robin''': You'll be covered in your own blood.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Flash''': Loser buys at Jitters.
:'''Cyborg''': Oh, you're gonna regret saying that.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You're not what you think, Superman.
:'''Superman''': And what do you think I am?
:'''Doctor Fate''': A threat to all worlds!


:'''Catwoman''': Are you impressed yet, Diana?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not necessarily.
:'''Catwoman''': It's time I hit back.


:'''Cyborg''': Thanks for helping us stop Bruce.
:'''Aquaman''': I only did it to finish Brainiac.
:'''Cyborg''': That's what I was afraid of.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab says gorillas are herbivores.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Most are. I'm not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck. Freak of nature.


:'''Scarecrow''': You stole Fear Toxin!
:'''Joker''': An artist doesn't steal, he homages.
:'''Scarecrow''': Either way, you owe me!


:'''Atrocitus''': You won't deter me, Jordan!
:'''Green Lantern''': Still out for justice, huh?
:'''Atrocitus''': Not justice, VENGEANCE!


:'''Batman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': This shall be your knight fall.
:'''Batman''': Let me enlighten you.


:'''Green Arrow''': Dead-stroke, Death-shot, which is it?
:'''Deadshot''': The name's Deadshot.
:'''Green Arrow''': Man, you need a publicist.


:'''Firestorm''': Liking the bug suit yet?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Being able to fly? Doesn't suck.
:'''Firestorm''': Hah, losing to me will.


:'''Captain Cold''': Back off, Harley!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aye aye, Captain! Heard you had a cold anyway.
:'''Captain Cold''': If anyone's sick, precious, it's you!


:'''Joker''': It's a Brainiac whack-attack!
:'''Brainiac''': Your mind is human... yet not.
:'''Joker''': It's called insanity, try it sometime!


:'''Brainiac''': Kal-el of Krypton.
:'''Superman''': Here, I'm Superman.
:'''Brainiac''': A better oxymoron I have not heard.


:'''Catwoman''': Animal print is out.
:'''Cheetah''': What about facial scars?
:'''Catwoman''': Let's have you try some on!


:'''Bane''': I commend Selina's loyalty.
:'''Batman''': Shouldn't have touched her, Bane!
:'''Bane''': How else was I to lure you?


:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't Batman tell you?
:'''Firestorm''': Tell me what, Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern!


:'''Blue Beetle''': Just saying, the armor knows how to kill you.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your weapon doesn't concern me!
:'''Blue Beetle''': Alright, man, your funeral.


:'''Green Arrow''': Oh no, it's Rag Man!
:'''Scarecrow''': I am Scarecrow!
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll still wipe the floor with you.


:'''Joker''': Nice monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'm an ape, clown!
:'''Joker''': Like it matters.


:'''Batman''': Why won't you help us, Arthur?
:'''Aquaman''': Only the seas concern me!
:'''Batman''': Time to broaden your point of view.


:'''Bane''': I envy your strength.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You will not harvest it.
:'''Bane''': Said the crop to the reaper.


:'''Green Lantern''': You're not a real captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': I didn't pick the name.
:'''Green Lantern''': But you still picked this fight.


:'''Firestorm''': You're backing the wrong team!
:'''Catwoman''': I'm working undercover for Batman.
:'''Firestorm''': So why didn't he tell me that!?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your challenge is amusing.
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your hubris even more.


:'''Deadshot''': Folks here want their cities back.
:'''Brainiac''': An unlikely outcome of this encounter.
:'''Deadshot''': Let's kill you and see where that gets us.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So, you really full of straw?
:'''Scarecrow''': No, something much worse.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Better not be glitter.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Kandahq's fate cannot be avoided.
:'''Black Adam''': We shall see.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It is foretold.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Batman''': Think I haven't planned for this?
:'''Green Lantern''': Only one way to find out.


:'''Robin''': I'm no Jason Todd.
:'''Joker''': He's pathetic. You're contemptible.
:'''Robin''': And you're both.


:'''Darkseid''': Your suffering will be immeasurable.
:'''Catwoman''': Still got nine lives to spare.
:'''Darkseid''': Nine lives to torture.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans must disgust you.
:'''Superman''': Those who harm them do.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': How do you not see the irony!?


:'''Atrocitus''': What do you know of rage?
:'''Scarecrow''': It is a fire, kindled by fear.
:'''Atrocitus''': And what happens to kindling?


:'''Blue Beetle''': You can't destroy Earth!
:'''Brainiac''': Of course I can.
:'''Blue Beetle''': OK. Grammar police... you ''won't''.


:'''Captain Cold''': Come on, ''Deadass!''
:'''Deadshot''': Watch how you talk to me!
:'''Captain Cold''': Oh, I'm all done talking.


:'''Harley Quinn''': How's it feel being the villain?
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''You're'' the villain, Quinn.
:'''Harley Quinn''': The lady's crazier than I am!


:'''Batman''': I'm glad Kara proved incorruptible.
:'''Black Adam''': She is a fool to deny her true power.
:'''Batman''': She's smart to know its limits.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Two voices in one mind...
:'''Firestorm''': It's like thinking in stereo!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I will silence this cacophony!


:'''Scarecrow''': Does Daddy approve, Cyborg?
:'''Cyborg''': You don't know my father, Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': I know you're afraid to fail him.


:'''Aquaman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': I have caught a merman!
:'''Aquaman''': Or has he caught you?


:'''Captain Cold''': Barry know his B.F.F. is back?
:'''Green Lantern''': First person I called.
:'''Captain Cold''': He'll be the last one.


:'''Atrocitus''': You could wear a red ring...
:'''Supergirl''': Red jewelry's kinda for old ladies.
:'''Atrocitus''': ''Mock me at your peril!''


:'''Joker''': Here's a news flash: life is a meaningless joke!
:'''Flash''': Life has meaning if we give it meaning.
:'''Joker''': Get all your advice off bumper stickers?


:'''Robin''': I got a prediction.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Share it with me.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Finding out might kill you.
:'''Deadshot''': Eh, I'll try anything once.


:'''Brainiac''': Why come to this universe?
:'''Joker''': This Earth's better! I had disciples here!
:'''Brainiac''': They are foolish creatures.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So you can talk to plants?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I commune with them.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Tell them this is for Jaime's allergies.


:'''Aquaman''': Wretched beast!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am this world's future.
:'''Aquaman''': You are an evolutionary misstep!


:'''Atrocitus''': Ganthet never told you, did he?
:'''Green Lantern''': Told me what?
:'''Atrocitus''': That I killed your predecessor!


:'''Bane''': I can break you with one hand.
:'''Harley Quinn''': What's the other one gonna be busy with?
:'''Bane''': Silence, clown!


:'''Joker''': Doctor, it hurts when I go like this!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I am not a medical doctor.
:'''Joker''': Or much of a straight man!


:'''Robin''': Who were you in bed with this time?
:'''Catwoman''': Speaking metaphorically?
:'''Robin''': You bet.


:'''Green Lantern''': You like boiled, steamed or baked?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I do not follow.
:'''Green Lantern''': Just asking how you want to get served!


:'''Atrocitus''': Trillions demand vengeance!
:'''Brainiac''': Those not collected?
:'''Atrocitus''': Those you've slaughtered!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Your regime failed the green.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The regime will rise again!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not anymore.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Shall we duel, your highness?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces!?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck, freak of nature.


:'''Catwoman''': People topside want you on trial.
:'''Aquaman''': I won't be judged for defending Atlantis!
:'''Catwoman''': You will be for helping Superman.


:'''Batman''': The league didn't teach you everything.
:'''Robin''': ''[scoffs]'' You have some wisdom to share?
:'''Batman''': The importance of self-control.


:'''Atrocitus''': My lanterns will punish you!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You won't judge me, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': It's done! Now you die!


:'''Black Adam''': Why fight me, Bane?
:'''Bane''': We are both gods of battle.
:'''Black Adam''': You're a maniac, not a god.


:'''Scarecrow''': What keeps you up at night?
:'''Superman''': Criminals like you.
:'''Scarecrow''': So we do scare you!


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Cheetah''': The huntress becomes hunted.
:'''Cyborg''': The huntress becomes dead.


:'''Brainiac''': I appreciate your service, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I serve you no longer.
:'''Brainiac''': Then be eliminated.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your sister's plight affects you.
:'''Catwoman''': Keep Maggie out of this, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': I can't ignore such rage.


:'''Captain Cold''': The Joker...
:'''Joker''': Leonard Snart, a letter away from &quot;smart&quot;.
:'''Captain Cold''': You're several cards short of a deck!


:'''Green Lantern''':a We can both like the color green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You embarrass green things.
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Oliver Queen…
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop reading my mind!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I’ve already finished.


:'''Brainiac''': You are nothing without the Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': My mom would disagree.
:'''Brainiac''': Mothers lack objectivity.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Atlantis needs a proper king.
:'''Aquaman 2''': She has one already, usurper.
:'''Aquaman 1''': Not by my count.


:'''Captain Cold''': Your head still wired to a detonator?
:'''Deadshot''': You can't help me, Lenny.
:'''Captain Cold''': How about I freeze your head?


:'''Cyborg''': You remind me of my father.
:'''Brainiac''': How am I similar to Silas Stone?
:'''Cyborg''': He was cold and emotionless too.


:'''Cheetah''': At last... the Flash!
:'''Flash''': Are you stalking me?
:'''Cheetah''': I'm ''hunting'' you!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your father defied fate to save you!
:'''Cyborg''': You got a problem with that!?
:'''Doctor Fate''': He made a mistake!


:'''Catwoman''': The Gotham City what?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Sirens! You, me, Kate and Babs!
:'''Catwoman''': It'll never fly.


:'''Robin''': Dick trusted me, but you never will!
:'''Batman''': Trust is earned, Damien!
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Joker''': Deadshot...
:'''Deadshot''': That's what they call me.
:'''Joker''': Soon, they won't need that second part.


:'''Green Lantern''': I never should have been on your side.
:'''Black Adam''': You accepted Sinestro's wisdom.
:'''Green Lantern''': He was a liar, like you!


:'''Poison Ivy''': You smell like a gym locker.
:'''Bane''': Maybe I should rub you all over me.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You would find it a nauseating way to die.


:'''Superman''': I took one life to save millions!
:'''Batman''': Hardly the best example for Supergirl.
:'''Superman''': Your son would disagree.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Robin''': Loser buys.
:'''Cyborg''': You mean it’s on Batman!?


:'''Harley Quinn''': Outta my way, potato sack!
:'''Scarecrow''': I don't fear you.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll mash your potatoey head!


:'''Cheetah''': My bloodlust is insatiable!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Green Blood won't feed your hunger.
:'''Cheetah''': I'll enjoy the kill just the same.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your blood runs today!
:'''Wonder Woman''': I may bleed, but I will not fall.
:'''Atrocitus''': Then you will die standing, Amazon!


:'''Aquaman''': You betrayed your father, Damien.
:'''Robin''': Because he was spectacularly wrong!
:'''Aquaman''': Still, you owe him your loyalty.


:'''Catwoman 1''': Bet you can't find my safehouse.
:'''Catwoman 2''': The dusty tenement on Harlow Street?
:'''Catwoman 1''': Well played, copycat!


:'''Doctor Fate''': The Batman.
:'''Batman''': I'll go easy on you.
:'''Doctor Fate''': A poor choice indeed.


:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman says I report to you.
:'''Black Adam''': We have a world to rule.
:'''Cyborg''': Why should I follow your lead?


:'''Bane''': I will crush you, Brainiac.
:'''Brainiac''': You have no hope of victory.
:'''Bane''': I need only strength.


:'''Joker''': Guns, guns, guns. Where's the art?
:'''Deadshot''': I don't get paid extra for creativity.
:'''Joker''': Philistine...


:'''Green Lantern''': Still got a chance to turn yourself in.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Just shut up and fight me, Hal.
:'''Green Lantern''': Let the records show you asked for it.


:'''Scarecrow''': I wonder what plants fear.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Men like you, for a start.
:'''Scarecrow''': Well, let's explore that!


:'''Green Arrow''': Think you can handle a bow?
:'''Robin''': I mastered archery by the time I was seven.
:'''Green Arrow''': Must have been a tiny bow.


:'''Cyborg''': You turned on us fast enough.
:'''Flash''': Felt like an eternity to me.
:'''Cyborg''': So will this next beatdown!


:'''Batman''': Hold it, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': Afraid of a gun, Batman?
:'''Batman''': No, but I despise them.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Have a good time joyriding in the Batmobile?
:'''Catwoman''': That would be stealing, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't act like you never thought about it.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will steal your thoughts.
:'''Joker''': My mind's an open book.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Even more so once I '''crack your skull!'''


:'''Blue Beetle''': Hal Jordan!? No way!
:'''Green Lantern''': You a Green Lantern fan?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Not after your heel turn, bro.


:'''Bane''': Still I remain uncaptured.
:'''Batman''': I've had bigger concerns.
:'''Bane''': None are bigger than me.


:'''Atrocitus''': Prepare yourself, youngster!
:'''Robin''': I'm always prepared.
:'''Atrocitus''': Not for me!


:'''Superman''': They should call ''you'' the Man of Steel.
:'''Cyborg''': My armor's a lot stronger than steel.
:'''Superman''': But not stronger than me.


:'''Deadshot''': Skip the monologue, Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': My words are for the worthy.
:'''Deadshot''': If you're lucky, they're also deaf.


:'''Robin''': Remember breaking Batman’s back?
:'''Bane''': That was my finest hour!
:'''Robin''': Same thing’s about to happen to you!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Joker''': I'm a threat to pretty much everyone!
:'''Aquaman''': This trident says otherwise!


:'''Harley Quinn''': We're gonna ''take care of'' Wonder Woman, right?
:'''Batman''': By &quot;take care of&quot;, you mean &quot;put in jail&quot;?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ...yeah, that's exactly what I meant...


:'''Green Arrow''': Aw nuts, I forgot my spray bottle!
:'''Catwoman''': Hilarious, Ollie.
:'''Green Arrow''': I know.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Hold still, puny human.
:'''The Flash''': Sorry. Restless leg syndrome.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''I'll tear them from your hips!''


:'''Scarecrow''': Grodd has you on a leash.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless I want my head blown off, yeah.
:'''Scarecrow''': I will hold that leash.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I have a gift for you, Beetle.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Whatever it is, I don't want it.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Flowers always cheer me up.


:'''Wonder Woman''': I told Kara the truth.
:'''Superman''': You say that like it's a good thing.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This battle will decide that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hiya, dearie! Ya miss me?
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent team Batman now.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll show ya the ropes!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Part of you is still good, Captain Cold.
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, my trigger finger.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Hmm, perhaps I was wrong.


:'''Bane''': I took pleasure watching you break.
:'''Batman''': What happened to Clark was tragic.
:'''Bane''': It made him a leader to be feared.


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Catwoman''': Everyone deserves a second chance.
:'''Robin''': Not everyone.


:'''Joker''': Boop eep dop boop boop.
:'''Cyborg''': What are you doing?
:'''Joker''': That's robot for &quot;You're Dead!&quot;


:'''Harley Quinn''': Why do I always get the big guys!?
:'''Swamp Thing''': Because you have a big mouth.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Leave the humor to me, pal!


:'''Cheetah''': Your ring, Lantern. ''Now!''
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't even think about it!
:'''Cheetah''': I need only my claws.


:'''Deadshot''': Cold, you're not leaving here alive.
:'''Captain Cold''': When did I get on your bad side?
:'''Deadshot''': When the cheque cleared.


:'''Aquaman''': Batman has lost. Now what?
:'''Wonder Woman''': The Regime will rise again.
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis won't bleed for the Surface World!


:'''Supergirl''': Hard to tell, but you look grumpy.
:'''Batman''': Kryptonians give me headaches.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You walk the wrong path.
:'''Superman''': The world's changed since Metropolis.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It has cost you your soul.


:'''Deadshot''': Who taught you to speak?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': No one ''taught'' me, fool!
:'''Deadshot''': Maybe someone can teach you to shut up.


:'''Robin''': My knuckles need a workout.
:'''The Flash''': No way you're fast enough, kid.
:'''Robin''': You're just a bigger, dumber speed bag.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Sorry to do this, Brucey.
:'''Batman''': I'm not the enemy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': All humans are the enemy!


:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd be wise to surrender.
:'''Joker''': And miss all the fun?
:'''Wonder Woman''': If you think a crushed skull is fun.


:'''Batman''': You belong in Arkham, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': So, I can break out again?
:'''Batman''': So, you can get help!


:'''Brainiac''': Your canary cry intrigues.
:'''Black Canary''': Wanna hear it? Come closer.
:'''Brainiac''': It will not prevent your collection.


:'''Atrocitus''': You are young and exuberant!
:'''Firestorm''': And fired up for this fight!
:'''Atrocitus''': Perhaps a Red Ring is in your future!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You'll make a nice chewie for Bud and Lou!
:'''Aquaman''': Should I be intimidated?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't worry. Their teeth are only RAZOR '''SHARP!'''


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Enjoy ruling the world?
:'''Flash''': Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As yours, I'm disappointed.


:'''Deadshot''': Baby Batman's all grown up.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, even old enough to buy cigarettes.
:'''Deadshot''': At least you'll die a man...


:'''Poison Ivy''': Come to me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I know your games, bruja.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I scare men like you.


:'''Cyborg''': What's your deal, anyway?
:'''Scarecrow''': I create fear and disruption.
:'''Cyborg''': Online, we call that &quot;Trolling&quot;.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Is there any line you ''won't'' cross?
:'''Superman''': I don't hurt children.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Didn't stop you with Shazam.


:'''Darkseid''': Surrender to Darkseid or face death.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your victims demand justice!
:'''Darkseid''': Then I will grind your bones to dust!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Trade those pistols for petals.
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, I don't buy that &quot;flower power&quot; crap!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You'll wish you had!


:'''Supergirl''': Are you ready?
:'''Wonder Woman''': This should be interesting.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Orm, is that you?
:'''Aquaman 2''': I'm Arthur Curry.
:'''Aquaman 1''': You might ''think'' so.


:'''Green Lantern''': What’s your malfunction, Vic?
:'''Cyborg''': The regime is making a comeback!
:'''Green Lantern''': Not while I’m wearing this ring!


:'''Joker''': I just love these Arkham reunions!
:'''Scarecrow''': I spiked your punch.
:'''Joker''': Naughty naughty, Scarecrow.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Selina's billionaire sugar daddy.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Don't flatter yourself.


:'''Catwoman''': Don't you trust me, Grodd?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Only a fool would trust you!
:'''Catwoman''': I'll tell Batman you said that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': My, what big claws you have!
:'''Cheetah''': The better to slash off your face, my dear.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You know the wolf dies, right!?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Will you sacrifice yourself?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I will to save the Green.
:'''Doctor Fate''': That I cannot promise.


:'''Robin''': Oh, it's the resident I.T. guy.
:'''Cyborg''': Need some tech support?
:'''Robin''': Come on, you know I'm self-sufficient.


:'''Aquaman''': I bet even you fear drowning.
:'''Scarecrow''': There are worse ways to die.
:'''Aquaman''': How about gutted like a fish!?


:'''Batman''': You shouldn't have killed the Joker.
:'''Superman''': I did it for Lois.
:'''Batman''': It's not what she would have wanted.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I thought we were friends!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, we were more than friends!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not any more.


:'''Deadshot''': Joker...
:'''Joker''': Mr. Lawton! How's your daughter?
:'''Deadshot''': You don't ''ever'' mention her!


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Batman sent a boy to tame me?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Think I can handle a big dumb monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There were ''three'' errors in that statement!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Superman''': I'm restoring my Government!
:'''Aquaman''': That I must oppose!


:'''Poison Ivy''': This is our last dance, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You're breaking my heart, Red!
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll break more than that!


:'''Robin''': I didn't murder Dick, Bruce!
:'''Batman''': No, your temper did, Damien.
:'''Robin''': It was an accident!


:'''Deadshot''': Red Power Ring, cat sidekick...
:'''Atrocitus''': Listing the ways you can die?
:'''Deadshot''': Items for your estate sale.


:'''Joker''': How nice~, you saved me a spot!
:'''Brainiac''': In my collection?! ''Never!''
:'''Joker''': ...A spot to ''stab you in'', genius.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab's got your tech beat.
:'''Cyborg''': It's the man, not the machine.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Got you beat there too.


:'''Scarecrow''': Do you fear death?
:'''Captain Cold''': Not since I grew up!
:'''Scarecrow''': Perhaps your sister did.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You're not so hideous.
:'''Atrocitus''': I can taste your blood already!
:'''Harley Quinn''': But you're coming on a little strong!


:'''Darkseid''': My Omega Beam will vaporise you.
:'''Deadshot''': Take your shot, and make it count.
:'''Darkseid''': Like you, the Omega does not miss.


:'''Bane''': You never accepted me as an equal.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You are a hired thug, Bane.
:'''Bane''': Now that hurts my feelings, Diana.


:'''Batman''': I don't have time for this, Damien!
:'''Robin''': A good father would make time.
:'''Batman''': A better son would deserve it.


:'''Joker''': Here, fishy, fishy!
:'''Aquaman''': Come any closer, worm, and I'll bite!
:'''Joker''': You're an angry little fishy!


:'''Captain Cold''': Move, Arrow, and I'll blast ya!
:'''Green Arrow''': Why's it gotta be a ''cold'' gun?
:'''Captain Cold''': &quot;Captain Tropical&quot; doesn't roll off the tongue.


:'''Scarecrow''': Everyone has something to lose.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Like you're about to lose consciousness?
:'''Scarecrow''': I refer to your baby sister.


:'''Black Adam''': You should have stayed where Fate put you.
:'''Black Canary''': I should have been back a lot sooner.
:'''Black Adam''': Then you'd already be dead!


:'''Deadshot''': Know what they call an unwanted plant?
:'''Poison Ivy''': I am ''not'' a weed, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': You're still getting whacked!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ever gonna trust me a hundred percent?
:'''Batman''': I don't trust anyone that much.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right... I'll settle for eighty.


:'''Doctor Fate''': What do you hope to prove?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am superior to all men!
:'''Doctor Fate''': This ambition will be your downfall.


:'''Cheetah''': You're a tasty looking fish.
:'''Aquaman''': More than you can handle, Cheetah.
:'''Cheetah''': All I need is a bite.


:'''Joker''': Savvy another round, Super-freak?
:'''Superman''': Why can't you stay dead!?
:'''Joker''': I always have extra lives.


:'''Cyborg''': Watch yourself, rook.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Bet your gear can't do this.
:'''Cyborg''': Anything you can do.


:'''Wonder Woman''': You're still much too paranoid.
:'''Batman''': It comes easily with friends like you.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You don't have any friends left, Bruce!


:'''Catwoman''': Red's not really your colour.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Catwoman''': Then maybe try a turtle neck.


:'''Black Adam''': First Waller's pet, now Grodd's.
:'''Deadshot''': A nanobomb will do that to you.
:'''Black Adam''': How do you live with such shame?


:'''Scarecrow''': You are useless to my slaves.
:'''Joker''': But I thought everyone feared something.
:'''Scarecrow''': Only the rational ones.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've been a good pet, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm all done playing Fetch!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Time to put you down.


:'''Green Arrow''': What now, pretty bird?
:'''Black Canary''': You haven't been a good boy.
:'''Green Arrow''': ''Ooohh''... My safe word is &quot;Arrowcave&quot;.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal, you need to stop!
:'''Superman''': You can't stop me!
:'''Supergirl''': Your heartbeat says you're lying!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Do not test me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I am as strong as Hercules!
:'''Wonder Woman''': And as big a fool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Does calamari make you sad?
:'''Aquaman''': Enough of your nonsense!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Clearly, you're emotional about it.


:'''Cheetah''': I admire a fellow collector.
:'''Brainiac''': You collect mere trinkets.
:'''Cheetah''': You are no trinket, Brainiac.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Blue Beetle comin' at ya!
:'''Brainiac''': You are of no interest to me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Says every girl in school.


:'''Doctor Fate''': My duty is to order.
:'''Darkseid''': You are a worm beneath notice.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You will not upset the balance!


:'''Joker''': I guess we ''are'' somewhat alike.
:'''Scarecrow''': We're both agents of chaos.
:'''Joker''': But ''I'm'' the pretty one.


:'''The Flash''': Murdering people won't bring Lisa back.
:'''Captain Cold''': I know, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': I can't let you give up on yourself.


:'''Batman''': Dinah said you woke up screaming for Joker.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, that dream was really not safe for work.
:'''Batman''': Should I be concerned?


:'''Wonder Woman''': Know your place, girl!
:'''Supergirl''': My place is where ''I'' decide to be.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Your confidence plays tricks on you.


:'''Atrocitus''': Why does Batman enrage you?
:'''Bane''': He haunts my dreams, Atrocitus.
:'''Atrocitus''': Too bad you must now sleep.


:'''Superman''': Excuse me.
:'''Green Arrow''': Excuse ME?
:'''Superman''': That was actually kinda funny.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Ollie! I quiver with joy.
:'''Green Arrow''': Archery puns! Really?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, don't be cross... bow...


:'''Doctor Fate''': Mercenaries are the hounds of duty.
:'''Deadshot''': English, please.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You are disposable.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I could have built a great Society.
:'''Bane''': On your foundation of lies!?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': On the backs of its members!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Listen to reason, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're the same as the thugs you kill.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The world's better without them.


:'''Joker''': You know, it only took one bad day.
:'''Brainiac''': For what exact purpose?
:'''Joker''': To reduce the sanest man to lunacy.


:'''Deadshot''': Any last words?
:'''Darkseid''': Shoot yourself and spare me the trouble.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm not taking requests.


:'''Captain Cold''': Doctor.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': Just need a priest and we can walk into a bar.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reject your people?
:'''Poison Ivy''': For being botanophobes.
:'''Scarecrow''': Said the anthropophobe.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, Mr. G!
:'''Green Arrow''': Please don't call me that.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Whatever you say, sugar bear.


:'''Aquaman''': Another Kryptonian.
:'''Supergirl''': Don't sound so happy about it.
:'''Aquaman''': Allow me to welcome you properly!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Batman''': Yet another wannabe bat killer.
:'''Deadshot''': ''(Sighs)'' Let's get this over with.


:'''Green Arrow''': Why are all the aliens I meet despots?
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's leaders are a little different.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got me there.


:'''Atrocitus''': Sinestro seeks your power!
:'''Scarecrow''': I would gladly wear his yellow ring.
:'''Atrocitus''': I will make his corps burn!


:'''Blue Beetle 1''': That suit's a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 2''': Your HEAD'S a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 1''': Huh, thought I was funnier.


:'''Darkseid''': Kneel and become my warrior.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless you pay and piss off!
:'''Darkseid''': Your compliance is mandatory, earthling!


:'''Green Lantern''': You're kinda lacking, weapons-wise.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident is formidable.
:'''Green Lantern''': Technically, it's just a pointy stick!


:'''Batman''': We're not doing this anymore.
:'''Joker''': You're breaking up with ME?
:'''Batman''': I'm BREAKING you.


:'''Poison Ivy''': One kiss for luck?
:'''Swamp Thing''': You're welcome to try.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're not that special, Swamp Thing.


:'''Supergirl''': Earth has a new protector.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will suck the marrow from your bones.
:'''Supergirl''': Hold on, I'm gonna barf!


:'''Poison Ivy''': That's some cologne you have.
:'''Scarecrow''': I call it: Terror No. 5!
:'''Poison Ivy''': How many plants did you kill to make it?


:'''Flash''': How can you ''not'' have regrets, Victor?
:'''Cyborg''': Because I know we did the right thing?
:'''Flash''': Two words: Billy Batson.


:'''Scarecrow''': I'd love to scan your brain.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You won't find anything.
:'''Scarecrow''': Except the Joker's playground!


:'''Captain Cold''': I've been thinking about you.
:'''Black Canary''': Plan to steal a kiss, Cold?
:'''Captain Cold''': I'm a damn good thief.


:'''Green Arrow''': So, has Bruce ever sat you down for &quot;The Talk&quot;?
:'''Firestorm''': How young do you think I am?!
:'''Green Arrow''': Not THAT talk, Firestorm.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Away with you, girl.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': (Chuckles) That's not a name, it's hyperbole.


:'''Deadshot''': Gonna purr for me?
:'''Catwoman''': I doubt it.
:'''Deadshot''': I'll take one of those nine lives then.


:'''Black Canary''': You said, &quot;Girls night out&quot;, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Well, we're out, ain't we?
:'''Black Canary''': This isn't what's meant by &quot;doing shots&quot;.


:'''Scarecrow''': Focus on your fear.
:'''Bane''': After Peña Duro, I have none. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Unless I tamper with your venom.


:'''Joker''': Such a furrowed brow, Princess.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Killing you will relax me.
:'''Joker''': I was thinking more of Botox.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reek of paranoia.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Scarecrow''': Why so vigilant, Batman?


:'''Poison Ivy''': You're an abomination.
:'''Cyborg''': You body-shaming me, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not much of it is you anymore.


:'''Catwoman''': Time to give it up, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Surrender to you, Catwoman!?
:'''Catwoman''': The claws aren't just for show.


:'''Scarecrow''': Victor Stone, always online.
:'''Cyborg''': I'm not afraid of information overload.
:'''Scarecrow''': You fear being disconnected!


:'''Cyborg''': 'Sup, Dwayne?
:'''Robin''': My name is not Dwayne!
:'''Cyborg''': (chuckles) It is now.


:'''Catwoman''': One cat too many.
:'''Cheetah''': What'll you do about it, kitten?
:'''Catwoman''': Anything I have to.


:'''Bane''': I thought you supported the Regime.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent Team Batman now.
:'''Bane''': My least favorite team.


:'''The Flash''': Like the threads?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your costume is ridiculous!
:'''The Flash''': At least I'm wearing pants.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't know if I should kill you or kiss you.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Kisses only, please.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Only if you join us good guys.


:'''Cyborg''': Thought you stood for order, Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Above all else.
:'''Cyborg''': Then you should have joined the regime!


:'''Blue Beetle''': I'm no fan of hitting girls.
:'''Supergirl''': (scoffs) You'll be lucky to tickle me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Yeah, that kinda would be.


:'''Green Lantern''': Billionaire social justice warrior...
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Green Lantern''': (sighs) You and your bleeding heart.


:'''Scarecrow''': Where's your mother, Damian?
:'''Robin''': This isn't therapy-- this is a beatdown!
:'''Scarecrow''': Couldn't save her, could you?


:'''Joker''': Oh Captain, my Captain...
:'''Captain Cold''': Whitman? Seriously?
:'''Joker''': A little culture wouldn't kill you.


:'''Catwoman 1''': You stole my look.
:'''Catwoman 2''': I'll steal everything of yours.
:'''Catwoman 1''': Enjoy my arrest warrants.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Normally, I'd offer a kiss.
:'''Scarecrow''': Go on then-- kiss me!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You make my skin crawl!


:'''Deadshot 1''': Only one of us is the best shot.
:'''Deadshot 2''': Guess the other one will really be a &quot;Dead-shot.&quot;
:'''Deadshot 1''': That is SO meta.


:'''Joker''': I understand you have a family.
:'''Green Arrow''': Stay away from 'em, you son of a bitch.
:'''Joker''': Oh, so you've met my mother!


:'''Brainiac''': I collect worlds.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I collect toenail clippings!
:'''Brainiac''': Your loss will not be mourned.


:'''Joker''': Ha ha! You don't know scary!
:'''Scarecrow''': Stick to comedy, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Comedy is just tragedy left to rot.


:'''Captain Cold''': Good thing you're wearing long johns.
:'''The Flash''': I'm totally commando under here.
:'''Captain Cold''': Ugh... TMI!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Try not to scratch my face.
:'''Catwoman''': It IS your one good feature.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not what your man thinks.


:'''Aquaman''': Bad timing, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Did I miss the water show?
:'''Aquaman''': No, it's just starting!


:'''The Flash''': You have to move on, Snart.
:'''Captain Cold''': Too late; my heart's frozen.
:'''The Flash''': Let it go.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I can't read your mind.
:'''Batman''': Telepathic inhibitors, don't bother.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll just have to eat it!


:'''Captain Cold''': Playing the hero, Damian?
:'''Robin''': I'm not playing at anything.
:'''Captain Cold''': Most kids only have ONE dad to disappoint.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your accident was a tragedy.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': You should have stopped it...
:'''Doctor Fate''': I'm stopping you now!


:'''Catwoman''': I met your mother once.
:'''Robin''': No woman could surpass her.
:'''Catwoman''': That's why you don't have a girlfriend.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Dr. Ivy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Dr. Quinzell.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ooh, I love it when we play &quot;doctor&quot;.


:'''Joker''': Mother always said to eat my greens.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I am NOT salad!
:'''Joker''': No, you just need a little chop-chop!


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Bizarro''': No! Bizarro tiny!
:'''Deadshot''': I'm almost gonna feel bad.


:'''Green Arrow''': There's a rule about fighting circus freaks.
:'''Joker''': Do tell, Green Arrow...
:'''Green Arrow''': Always go for the JUGGLER. ''(laughs)''


:'''Superman''': Want to hear a joke?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, gee, this oughta be something.
:'''Superman''': Harley Quinn vs. Superman.


:'''Deadshot''': You can disarm the grenade in my head?
:'''Doctor Fate''': That is not my place.
:'''Deadshot''': Thanks for nothing.


:'''Batman''': You're blind to what you've become!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't you dare say it!
:'''Batman''': The Justice League can't be a death squad!


:'''Black Adam''': Shazam's death shouldn't have fazed you.
:'''Flash''': Killing children is '''never okay!'''
:'''Black Adam''': He was sacrificed for the greater good.


:'''Catwoman''': Not nice what you did to Dinah and Ollie.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Simple minds submit easily.
:'''Catwoman''': Good thing I'm complicated.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ain't so tough, Superman!
:'''Superman''': What gives you that idea?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Alfred knocked your freakin' ass out!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Hello, Lover…
:'''The Flash''': What do you want, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': My vines around your neck!


:'''Atom''': I am Ryan Choi, but you can call me Atom.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Lightning Lad.
:'''Black Adam''': You dare mock me, child?
:'''Harley Quinn''': (imitates Black Adam) YOU DARE MOCK ME, CHILD?!


:'''Joker''': You should thank me, you know.
:'''Wonder Woman''': For what, fiend!?
:'''Joker''': I all but gift-wrapped your boyfriend.


:'''Batman''': How did you get loose?
:'''Bizarro''': Me villain! Protect Metropolis!
:'''Batman''': I'll be the judge of that.


:'''Hellboy''': Your mind games aren't worth crap!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': It cannot be!
:'''Hellboy''': I ain't fooling with you, monkey!


:'''Firestorm''': These flames aren't just for show.
:'''Enchantress''': Want to see a trick?
:'''Firestorm''': No.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Red Hood''': These guns aren't for show.
:'''Scarecrow''': ''[Chuckles]'' Keep telling yourself that!


:'''Starfire''': You hide a wounded heart.
:'''Black Manta''': I buried my heart with my father.
:'''Starfire''': Vengeance cannot bring him back.


:'''Robin''': This must be a dream.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I can assure you, I am all too real.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Hellboy''': Finally, a giant monster to fight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Be silent, boy!
:'''Hellboy''': The name's ''Hell''boy, dumbass.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common than you'd care to admit.
:'''Bizarro''': People say Joker and Bizarro am mad!
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Red Hood''': You might actually beat me, Jaime.
:'''Blue Beetle''': You really think so?
:'''Red Hood''': Hell no! You're dead meat!


:'''Black Manta''': You have such flawless skin, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Should I be creeped out or flattered?
:'''Black Manta''': Nothing perfect lasts forever.


:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis is off limits!
:'''Atom''': You're not ''king'' of the Microverse, Aquaman.
:'''Aquaman''': You are not welcome here.


:'''Starfire''': How do you cope with darkness?
:'''Supergirl''': I don't give up hope.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Scarecrow''': Oh, think you're rehabilitated?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I now defend the defenseless.
:'''Scarecrow''': Everything you built will fall.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, aren't you cute?
:'''Bizarro''': What you call me?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Learn how to take a compliment, sweetie!


:'''Red Hood''': Leave this place or die!
:'''Brainiac''': Who are you to command me?
:'''Red Hood''': Someone with nothing to lose.


:'''Deadshot''': Do what I say or bullets fly!
:'''Black Manta''': I know where Zoe lives.
:'''Deadshot''': You just committed suicide.


:'''Sub-Zero''': A Grand Master's respect must be earned.
:'''Atrocitus''': You are nothing to a Red Lantern!
:'''Sub-Zero''': You will withdraw, or be buried here!


:'''Bizarro''': Superman say you hate puppies.
:'''Darkseid''': I hate all creatures great and small.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro not let you hurt Krypto!


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Mr. Freeze''': It will make the [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|twilight sparkle]].
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[laughs]'' I was hoping you'd say that.


:'''Black Manta''': I'm not looking for an apprentice.
:'''Robin''': Get this straight: I'm better than you.
:'''Black Manta''': Go back to the kiddie pool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Raiden''': I am a thunder god, not a sorcerer.
:'''Harley Quinn''': BORING!


:'''Superman''': Heard you coming a mile away.
:'''Enchantress''': Then you should have scurried off, Superman.
:'''Superman''': Go ahead, underestimate me.


:'''Flash''': I don't like your methods.
:'''Black Manta''': I'll kill you and everyone you ever loved.
:'''Flash''': See? That's just what I'm talking about.


:'''Cyborg''': The Regime won't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.
:'''Hellboy''': How about &quot;screw you&quot;?
:'''Cyborg''': That was your last chance.


:'''Atom''': At school, I never liked big bullies.
:'''Black Adam''': A mere mortal challenges me?
:'''Atom''': No &quot;mere mortal&quot;. The Atom!


:'''Red Hood''': I feel an urge to crush your dreams.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Come on, give a girl a break, will ya?
:'''Red Hood''': I'd rather put you out of your misery!


:'''Leonardo''': Master Splinter said to fight you.
:'''Batman''': I need to know what you can do.
:'''Leonardo''': Ready for a lesson in turtle power?


:'''Donatello''': I got a theory to why you fight. 
:'''Grid''': I seek only one thing: emotion. 
:'''Donatello''': And that right there just proved it.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right? 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Quite positively. 
:'''Raphael''': Man, I love being a turtle.


:'''Michelangelo''': It's Michelangelo. Friends call me Mikey. 
:'''Power Girl''': You're going down, down and away. 
:'''Michelangelo''': That's it! No more Mr. Nice Turtle!


:'''Bizarro''': Me destroy this planet!
:'''Black Adam''': It doesn't need your help.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro start with you!


:'''June Moone''': Enchantress, Enchantress, Enchantress...
:'''Joker''': Could you be any more melodramatic?
:'''Enchantress''': June can't, but I damn well can!


:'''John Stewart''': Things have changed, Arthur.
:'''Aquaman''': And just where do you stand?
:'''John Stewart''': Where I always have, against injustice.


:'''Starfire''': What is the nature of your powers?
:'''Catwoman''': Some of us get by on skill, dear.
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''Hellboy''': My first fight with a mechanical monster.
:'''GRID''': I am GRID, the last being you will ever see.
:'''Hellboy''': Wouldn't bet the farm on that.


:'''Sub-Zero''': I now know the villain you truly are.
:'''Joker''': Everyone is always so judgy.
:'''Sub-Zero''': For the safety of all, you will die.


:'''June Moone''': I can't help it! She has to be let out!
:'''Superman''': But you'll hurt innocent people!
:'''Enchantress''': Since when is that a problem for you?


:'''Starfire''': Um, does Bizarro want a cookie?
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro no smell cookies on you!
:'''Starfire''': Figures you would have super smell.


:'''Atom''': It's like we're Jacqui and Takeda.
:'''Vixen''': What are you talking about, Ryan?
:'''Atom''': Play more fighting games, Mari.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Wow! Meeting you is just so cool.
:'''Hellboy''': Easy, kid. I'm just a guy doing his job.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Mind if we get a picture after?


:'''Catwoman''': Don't put kitty in a corner.
:'''Enchantress''': How about a dark dimension?
:'''Catwoman''': I'm not one to be tamed.


:'''Black Manta''': Are you my ghost of Christmas future?
:'''Hellboy''': Depends. Have you been a bad boy?
:'''Black Manta''': I've been the worst, Hellboy.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You got a funny name.
:'''Sub-Zero''': In a moment, you will not think so.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Just tryna' break the ice!


:'''Green Arrow''': Well, speak of the devil.
:'''Hellboy''': You ALWAYS this funny?
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an off day for me.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There's a place for you in the Society.
:'''Enchantress''': I prefer to freelance.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': If you're not with me, you're dead!


:'''Hellboy''': Tired of people tryin' to control me.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is pre-ordained.
:'''Hellboy''': Like hell it is.


:'''Power Girl''': So, you're &quot;Tazamanian&quot;?
:'''Starfire''': It is pronounced &quot;Tamaranian&quot;.
:'''Power Girl''': Tama--? Let's get this over with!


:'''Joker''': Have we met?
:'''Enchantress''': I'd remember sharing the stage with a mad man.
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Leonardo''': I'm fully trained for this fight.
:'''Superman''': Good thing I'm invincible.
:'''Leonardo''': No one is invincible!


:'''Raiden''': Yet another of Shinnok's minions.
:'''Joker''': Yes, but don't tell him I told you.
:'''Raiden''': The threat you pose must end!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Your cry reminds me of Sindel's scream.
:'''Black Canary''': Want me to sing for you?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I would rather silence you.


:'''Atom''': Your technology could help millions.
:'''Black Manta''': I use science to kill.
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Cyborg''': Let's spar a little.
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Cyborg''': So, that's how's it gonna be, huh?


:'''Hellboy''': YOU'RE why I woke up today?
:'''Red Hood''': This is Hell, and I'm the devil!
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': You ever meet the Lobster?
:'''Jay Garrick''': Ah! Someone who knows his history.
:'''Hellboy''': History? I fought alongside the guy's ghost.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': Picked the wrong guy to mess with.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident says otherwise.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You won't see me coming.


:'''June Moone''': My name's June Moone.
:'''Starfire''': You face a princess of Tamaran.
:'''Enchantress''': Call me Enchantress if you're nasty.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza beats Gotham pizza.
:'''Leonardo''': You'll get no argument there, Raph.
:'''Raphael''': Then let's get out of this friggin' Universe!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Enchantress''': When did YOU decide to betray me?
:'''Deadshot''': When the check cleared.


:'''Michelangelo''': You gotta play my new game, Donnie.
:'''Donatello''': I'm not wasting my time with &quot;Ninja Mime&quot;.
:'''Michelangelo''': Grab a controller and learn something.


:'''Starfire''': Melt for me, Sub-Zero.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Beguiling beauty alone will not bewitch me.
:'''Starfire''': I offer so much more than beauty.


:'''Black Manta''': Ray Palmer is already dead.
:'''Atom''': You can't prove that. No one has.
:'''Black Manta''': Maybe I've got his corpse in my pocket.


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Hellboy''': Just means there's more of me to love.
:'''Deadshot''': I respect that.


:'''Hellboy''': Goddamn shame you aren't a good guy.
:'''Superman''': Who are you to judge me?
:'''Hellboy''': A guy who knows a thing or two about evil.


:'''Starfire''': You'll burn for what you did!
:'''Red Hood''': Heard that speech a thousand times!
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''June Moone''': If you can kill me, please do it.
:'''Sub-Zero''': You are choosing to suffer.
:'''Enchantress''': Trust me, Sub-Zero, June has no choice.


:'''Cheetah''': Finally, a worthy quarry.
:'''Black Manta''': Finally, a new rug.
:'''Cheetah''': My claws will cut you down!


:'''Atom''': Have I wondered onto a movie set?
:'''Sub-Zero''': This fight is all too real, Ryan Choi.
:'''Atom''': Not good, when the ninjas know your name.


:'''Hellboy''': And your deal's what, exactly?
:'''The Flash''': The Flash-- fastest man alive.
:'''Hellboy''': And how's THAT working out for ya?


:'''Sub-Zero''': Do not be ruled by your passions.
:'''Robin''': Meaning what, exactly?
:'''Sub-Zero''': They will burn you as Hanzo Hasashi did him.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Black Manta''': I'd kill anyone who threatens me.
:'''Scarecrow''': How long 'till someone kills YOU?


:'''June Moone''': Fair warning: she's an evil hag.
:'''Supergirl''': My god Rao will protect me.
:'''Enchantress''': Like he protected your mother?


:'''June Moone''': It takes all my focus to hide her away.
:'''Starfire''': My people do not hide their emotions.
:'''Enchantress''': Maybe that's why they're all dead.


:'''Bizarro''': Black Manta have funny shaped head.
:'''Black Manta''': It's a helmet, you idiot.
:'''Bizarro''': Manta insult am not called for!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Why assume I will be easy prey?
:'''Cheetah''': You lack killer instinct.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I have engaged in Mortal Kombat.


:'''Black Canary''': I try to use my Canary Cry sparingly.
:'''Black Lightning''': You don't strike me as the shy type.
:'''Black Canary''': Prefer to let my fist do the talking.


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Enchantress''': I'll turn you into a newt!
:'''Cyborg''': Damn, I hope not.


:'''Michelangelo''': Let's skip this. I'm starving.
:'''Donatello''': If we're lucky, we'll both learn something.
:'''Michelangelo''': Do NOT get between me and pizza!


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right?
:'''Superman''': Two words: beef bourguignon.
:'''Raphael''': You really have lost your mind.


:'''Leonardo''': You're not from this Earth, are you?
:'''Joker''': Yet you aren't from around here either.
:'''Leonardo''': Your evil ends here.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': How's your mother, Barry?
:'''The Flash''': You were the one, weren't you?!
:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm every bad day you've ever had.
  

:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm the fastest man alive.
:'''Donatello''': Got any facts to back that up?
:'''Reverse-Flash''': If anyone's faster I'll kill him.


:'''Raiden 1''': In my realm, Liu Kang and Kitana rule Edenia.
:'''Raiden 2''': In mine, they govern the NetherRealm.
:'''Raiden 1''': Whose incompetence lead to this folly?


:'''Sub-Zero''': We are stranded in this realm, Raiden.
:'''Raiden''': I believe our kombat brought us here.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, perhaps Kombat will take us home.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Do you serve Chaos or Order?
:'''Leonardo''': Won’t know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Let us find out.


:'''Hellboy''': What do you bring to this fight, exactly?
:'''Black Canary''': Good looks, quick wits, and a killer right hook.
:'''Hellboy''': Wait till you see mine.


:'''Leonardo''': This fight's got me a little nervous.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A warrior fears nothing.
:'''Leonardo''': Ninjas don't ignore fear, we embrace it.


:'''Hellboy''': You don't know anything about fear.
:'''Scarecrow''': What makes you say that?
:'''Hellboy''': If ya did, you wouldn't be here.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You dance between order and chaos.
:'''Hellboy''': My life story summed up in six words.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Now you must choose.


:'''Hellboy''': I'm thinking this is a bad idea.
:'''Power Girl''': You can't handle this much woman.
:'''Hellboy''': Unless a monster's in there, I'm good.


:'''Raphael''': Now that's a sweet Superman cosplay.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Raphael''': Sure... And I'm a renaissance artist.


:'''Hellboy''': You can't tell, but I'm blushing right now.
:'''Enchantress''': Don't be so modest, Anung Un Rama.
:'''Hellboy''': How did you know my goddamn name?


:'''Raphael''': You ate the last ice cream sandwich!
:'''Michelangelo''': I-It was Donnie, not me.
:'''Raphael''': The wrapper's stuck to your shell, bro.


:'''Michelangelo''': Cowabunga! I'm fighting Batman!
:'''Batman''': You need a new catchphrase.
:'''Michelangelo''': No way, dude. It's classic.


:'''Hellboy''': Can't say I've ever met a ninja turtle.
:'''Donatello''': Hope you're not turtle-phobic, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Nah. My problem's with frogs.


:'''Donatello''': That is some crazy gear, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Donatello''': Heh. Something like that.


:'''Raphael''': So what's with their Justice League?
:'''Leonardo''': Think Mighty Mutanimals, minus the mutant animals.
:'''Raphael''': There's zero point in that, bro.


:'''Hellboy''': That getup supposed to scare me?
:'''Batman''': What do you think?
:'''Hellboy''': That you're kidding yourself.


:'''Starfire''': Batman was right disowning you.
:'''Robin''': I've got no regrets.
:'''Starfire''': Not even over Dick's murder!?


:'''Hellboy''': You got the devil inside you, kid.
:'''Raphael''': I get angry. So what?
:'''Hellboy''': It'll bring you down. That's what.


:'''Donatello''': My new bo staff has an Nth metal core.
:'''Leonardo''': What the heck's Nth metal, Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Only the strongest metal in this universe.


:'''Hellboy''': So what do you have in mind, lady?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces?
:'''Hellboy''': Not the answer I was expecting.


:'''Hellboy''': Are we ''really'' doing this?
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Hellboy''': Best offer I've had all day.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': All heroes are fundamentally flawed.
:'''Hellboy''': I'm the friggin' poster child for that.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': To me, you're another victim.


:'''Hellboy''': Where the heck are we?
:'''John Stewart''': If I'm with you, I must be in Hell.
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': Your deal's what exactly?
:'''Red Hood''': I'm the cure for a sick, sad world.
:'''Hellboy''': If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.


:'''Hellboy''': My bad side's not where you want to be.
:'''Michelangelo''': I can be a monster, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Heh. Show me, kid.


:'''Sub-Zero''': You are too young for combat.
:'''Michelangelo''': Splinter's trained us since we were hatchlings.
:'''Sub-Zero''': It is no substitute for maturity.


:'''Michelangelo''': You worry too much, Batman.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Michelangelo''': I think you and Leo come from the same clutch.


:'''Leonardo 1''': I'm hallucinating you, right?
:'''Leonardo 2''': Won't know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Leonardo 1''': I gotta lay off Mikey's garlic fudge pizza.


:'''Starfire''': Greetings, Earth friend.
:'''Leonardo''': The name's Leonardo, ninja turtle.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Leonardo''': I want to study combat with the best.
:'''John Stewart''': I'll teach you a thing or two.
:'''Leonardo''': With every fight, I'm a better ninja.


:'''Hellboy''': Bet that shell comes in handy.
:'''Leonardo''': Against the Right Hand of Doom? You bet.
:'''Hellboy''': Don't worry, I won't crack it.


:'''Batman''': I know exactly how to beat you.
:'''Leonardo''': You fought ninja turtles, Batman?
:'''Batman''': I'm full of surprises.


:'''Hellboy''': Why do you do what you do?
:'''Joker''': You can't spell &quot;slaughter&quot; without laughter.
:'''Hellboy''': You are one sick piece of crap.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common then you care to admit.
:'''Hellboy''': You're crazy. I'm sane. End of story.
:'''Joker''': That's what the others thought too.


:'''Atrocitus''': I'll show you hellish hate!
:'''Hellboy''': Whatever you've got, I've seen worse.
:'''Atrocitus''': Give me your blood and rage!


:'''Black Adam''': You expect to best a god?
:'''Hellboy''': Pfft! Wouldn't be the first time.
:'''Black Adam''': Mehen admires your courage.


:'''Atom''': You ever been swallowed alive?
:'''Hellboy''': More times than I can count. You?
:'''Atom''': I have and it was fascinating.


:'''Leonardo''': I've met our pal Brainiac.
:'''Hellboy''': Tried to collect you too, huh?
:'''Leonardo''': Genius didn't count on turtle power.


:'''Raphael''': What's it you wanted to teach me?
:'''Batman''': That the shadows are your friend.
:'''Raphael''': You missed the fact I'm a ninja, dude?


:'''Raphael''': You drew the short straw today.
:'''Darkseid''': You are challenging a god, fool.
:'''Raphael''': Gods have nothing on New Yorkers.


:'''Bane''': Your body will snap like a twig.
:'''Raphael''': Your head will crack before my shell does.
:'''Bane''': Two minutes with you will not test me.


:'''Donatello''': Think you can take down the Foot Clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': An ignorant question for a Lin Kuei.
:'''Donatello''': Ignorance comes from not asking questions.


:'''June Moone''': You’ve never met a hag like this.
:'''Hellboy''': Hags, Witches… You’re all the same to me.
:'''Enchantress''': There’s no witch like Enchantress


:'''Donatello''': The name’s Donatello. Who are you?
:'''Hellboy''': Hellboy: Paranormal Investigator.
:'''Donatello''': Need a research assistant?


:'''Sub-Zero''': How will you kombat me, Atom?
:'''Atom''': I shrink, but retain full strength and speed.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, I will swat you like a bug.


:'''Bane''': My army needs your skills.
:'''Leonardo''': As bad guys go, you’re the worst!
:'''Bane''': It is unwise to become my enemy.


:'''Red Hood''': Why should I join your ninja clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': You can learn much from a Grandmaster.
:'''Red Hood''': THIS student already graduated!


:'''Hellboy 1''': Can the BPRD handle two of us?
:'''Hellboy 2''': Let’s just say the professor’s concerned
:'''Hellboy 1''': What could possibly go wrong?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There’s a place for you in the Society.
:'''Black Manta''': I don’t socialize!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Then, you’re in the wrong business!


:'''Red Hood''': Ra’s al Ghul saved my life.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Ra’s al Ghul denied fate!
:'''Red Hood''': I don’t see the downside.


:'''Deadshot''': Heard you die.
:'''Starfire''': I will tell the story if you beat me in battle.
:'''Deadshot''': Now I '''Gotta''' know!

=== Story Mode ===
====''Prologue''====
:'''Bruce Wayne''': In my years fighting crime, I've learned one truth... That every villain is the hero of his own story. Superman was no exception. The Joker drugged him. Tricked him into killing his pregnant wife, Lois. And made him trigger the bomb that nuked Metropolis. So when Superman killed the Joker, I understood why. We all did. But once that line was crossed, there was no going back. He gave himself and the Justice League a new mandate. Stop all crime before it happened, by any means necessarily. But he couldn't see his good intentions were leading him down a path of tyranny and evil. That's how our greatest hero became our greatest threat...

:''Several years ago...''

====''Chapter 1: Batman''====

:''[Batman and Robin are flying towards Arkham Asylum, in the Batplane, to stop Superman from releasing prisoners.]''
:'''Robin''': So what if Superman's pulling criminals out of Arkham? They're the worst of the worst.
:'''Batman''': He's going to kill them, Damian.
:'''Robin''': Hmm. Sounds like justice to me.
:'''Batman''': Killing people isn't justice. Superman can't see that. He's grieving. He needs time to heal.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and what if it had been Gotham? If Joker had killed me, your own son? ''(After a pause...)'' Thought you'd say that. ''[Suddenly, the Batplane loses control. It engages auto-pilot, which would take them back to the Batcave.]'' It's not responding. We're being taken back to the Batcave.
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject. ''(and Batman engages the eject button, which pulls them out of the plane. They both fly towards Arkham using their cape. Using Boom tubes, Cyborg teleports himself into the place, where Batman was detected. He aims his finger mounted laser, hitting Robin and Robin falls into one of the terraces. Batman appears in front of Cyborg.)'' A warning shot, Cyborg? 
:'''Cyborg''': I won't hurt you unless I have to. 
:'''Batman''': You're gonna have to.
:'''Cyborg''': My friends were in Metropolis, Batman! Starfire, Beast Boy, gone... We do this, that never happens again. 
:'''Batman''': You're right to be angry. But it's not a blank check. And the Justice League isn't a death squad. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' You don't see it yet, but Superman's wrong.

Story clash quotes 1.

Batman: a blank check will cost you, victor!

Cyborg: why should i believe that, bruce?

Batman: it doesn't have to end like this, victor!

Cyborg: i wouldn't want one, bruce!

Cyborg: you locked me up!

Batman: here we go again.

Cyborg: the death squad couldn't have handled themselves, bruce!

Batman: it's about to take a hint!

'''(Robin arrives. Looking towards Robin...)'' Your glider skills need work. 
:'''Robin''': Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking.
:'''Batman''': Let's go. ''(Both take out their bat-ropes and move further towards Arkham. Both of them reach Arkham Asylum and tackle the guards guarding the gate.)''
:'''Robin''': So you won't kill, but you're fine with traumatic brain injuries. 
:'''Batman''': Secure the loading docks. ''(Batman moves further towards the main door to the Arkham Asylum, just when Wonder Woman appears.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Here to help, Bruce? ''(She kicks the gate with brute force.)''
:'''Batman''': Yes. To keep you and Clark from making a terrible mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': None of us wanted this. But the Joker forced our hand. Metropolis changed the world. Now we have to change with it. 
:'''Batman''': Not like this.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Of all people, I thought you would understand! Without peace, the regime will not be restored!'''(Both of them fight. Batman wins. Wonder Woman falls weak. Batman picks the lasso and ties around Wonder Woman.)'' 

Story clash quotes 2.

Batman: it's called vengeance, diana!

Wonder woman: vengeance isn't enough!

Batman: i want to know the truth on where clerk is!

Wonder woman: if you beat me in battle, bruce!

Wonder woman: i'm not fit to be a death squad!

Batman: that's what the justice league isn't, diana!

Wonder woman: have you forgotten the consequences on what happened to metropolis?

Batman: I've seen worse!

:'''Batman''': I need you to tell me the truth. Where is he? 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(Trying to free herself, but unsuccessful.)'' Cellblock C. You can't turn your back on him. He needs you! 
:'''Batman''': ''(Dropping the lasso)'' That's why I came. ''(And he goes towards Cellblock C to find Superman. Prisoners in Asylum move in lines. They're unaware of the place they're being taken to.)'' 
:'''A prisoner''': ''(Tossing down a doctor's pad)'' Doc, what are they gonna do with us? Where we going? ''(He grabs hold of the doctor forcefully as a hostage.)'' I ain't goin' nowhere till you tell me what's happening!
:'''Superman''': Get back in line! ''(Superman comes towards him through a hallway. Prisoners make way out of fright.)'' Now. ''(The prisoner leaves the doctor and gets back in line. Batman breaks through the rooftop glass of Cellblock C and confronts Superman.)'' Two minutes. ''(He signals everyone to leave Batman and him alone.)''
:'''Batman''': You're better than this, Clark. 
:'''Superman''': These inmates are irredeemable. They're theives. Rapists. Murderers. Like the Joker. That's the problem with fighting for truth and justice. The battle never ends.
:'''Batman''': And executing them will end it? First Joker, now this... when does it stop?
:'''Superman''': When there's no more crime. When people can live without fear. We want the same thing, Bruce... 
:'''Batman''': I wanted to kill my parents' murderer. I could have. ''(Robin peeks in through a wall.)'' But that's not the life they wanted for me. And it's not the life Lois would want for you.
:'''Superman''': ''(Gets angry. His eyes turn red.)'' Don't you put that on me... ''(He firms his fist, when suddenly he loses his power. Reason - Batman was holding a red sun grenade which incapacitates Superman.)'' A red solar grenade? 
:'''Batman''': To dull your powers. You need to stop. Take time to grieve. Before it's too late. 
:'''Superman''': You wouldn't... ''(he is interrupted by Batman, who detonates the solar grenade.)'' 
:'''Robin''': No!
:'''Superman''': You're supposed to be my friend... 
:'''Batman''': Which is why I've to stop you. ''(Superman and Batman fight. Batman wins.)'' I'm sorry, Clark. ''(He brings a kryptonite powered lasso to tie Superman.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(In pain)'' Get away from me... ''(Just then, Robin brings an inmate, named Victor, hand cuffed.)''
:'''Robin''': Look who I found... Victor Zsasz. Psychopath. ''(Holding a knife under Victor's neck)'' How many women have you killed? 
:'''Victor Zsasz''': H-hundred twenty-one?
:'''Robin''': A hundred and twenty one. Huh. Sounds incorrigible to me.
:'''Batman''': Robin. Let him go. 
:'''Robin''': You'd rather fight your friends than the real problem. 
:'''Batman''': I'm warning you, son. 
:'''Robin''': Son? ''(Knocking Victor's knee)'' You didn't raise me. The League of Assassins did. ''(He slits the inmate, Victor's throat, killing him.)'' Problem solved. Who's next? 
:'''Batman''': ''(Gets angry)'' Dammit, Damian! This is a line we do not cross. ''(He goes to catch Damian, who kicks him back. Batman feels ashamed and betrayed by his own son, Robin.)''
:'''Robin''': Then stay on your side, Batman. I'll be on Superman's. ''(Batman and Robin fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Damian, I... I never meant to. 
:'''Robin''': You coward. We're at war with these animals! You think you're better than him? ''(In agony)'' You let the Joker keep on killing. You couldn't save Lois, or Jason, or anyone!
:'''Superman''': That's enough. Let's go. 
:'''Robin''': But the inmates--
:'''Superman''': Not today. ''(Robin &amp; Superman hold hands and fly away from Arkham. Batman grieves witnessing a death. He feels let down by Superman's anti-heroism and feels unsuccessful.)''


:''[Scene cuts, as we go back to the present. In a TV news channel, Bruce Wayne speaks: &quot;It's been years since the Regime fell. Superman's behind bars. Damian, my own son, is there with him. But we can't ever forget why we put them there. We must stay vigilant.&quot;]''
:''[Bruce Wayne looks down from his office at his city when his business manager, Lucius Fox enters. He pauses the news relay.]''


:'''Lucius Fox''': I thought your goal was to reassure people, Mr. Wayne. You're not alone in rebuilding Gotham and Metropolis. But if we don't change some minds soon... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Thought that's why you hired that overpaid PR firm, Lucius. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Convincing folks to move back to these cities is a lot harder when they're afraid someone's gonna knock'em down again.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Superman's never getting out. I made that clear. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': But Wonder Woman, Black Adam, Aquaman--they're still out there, somewhere, and seemingly immune to prosecution. I know you built Brother Eye to keep tabs on all those loose ends. But the public doesn't know. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye's secrecy is critical. Our enemies can't fight something they don't know exists. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Well, then at least follow one bit of advice we paid those PR people so much money for. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': What's that? 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Be a little less Batman, a little more Billionaire playboy. Get out around town in the daylight. And smile. Focus groups show people feel safer when they see you smile. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(In agreement)'' Hmm. ''(A device rings in the background.)''
:'''Lucius Fox''': That would be your other job. ''(The ringing continues.)'' Bruce, consider widening your circle of trust. Nobody wins all by themselves. Not even you. 
:''[Scene cuts. Now, in an exit lobby, Green Arrow and Black Canary wait for Bruce Wayne.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Looking around)(Jokingly)'' As a reception area, this place needs a lot of work. ''(Bruce arrives.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dinah (a.k.a Black Canary), Oliver (a.k.a Green Arrow)--thanks for coming on short notice. 
:'''Black Canary''': You're lucky we found a sitter. ''(Green Arrow and Black Canary move towards Bruce. Bruce presses against a wall, which opens it into a secretive elevator. All three of them enter into it. The elevator reaches Gotham Subway, which was now the BatCave.)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My great grandfather built the original Gotham Underground. But these days... it's the Batcave. ''(Three of them walk in further towards the Brother Eye, a system of bat-computers equipped with the latest Source Energy scanners, which searches the Multiverse for threats to their world and others.)'' And this is Brother Eye. 
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Seeing at it)'' More like the Eye of Sauron. Surveillance hub?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': More than that. A communications hub linking every satellite and server on the planet. It warns us when trouble's coming, and guides us when trouble's here. 
:'''Black Canary''': Must take a real genius to operate... ''(seated at one of those chairs operating the Brother Eye, was Harley Quinn.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': I dunno about &quot;genius&quot;, but I do got a PhD. ''(blows a bubble gum. She goes and hugs Black Canary.)'' Dinah, Dinah's hubby! You sure came a long way... 
:'''Green Arrow''': A world away. But the change of scenery is nice. 
:'''Black Canary''': I was surprised you called, Bruce. Things seem to be going well. So What's up?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dismantling the Regime created gaps in global security. We're covering them where we can, but we're stretched thin. Vulnerable. Harleen. Show them what you found. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right-o, Bats. ''(Goes to a computer and displays the map of Africa with a red spot of an impending attack.)'' Gorilla Grodd. Everyone's favorite talking ape. He's got himself a band of bozos, calls'em &quot;The Society.&quot; 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My mole in Gorilla City says Grodd's planning something big. But what, where, when, we don't know. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': One thing, we do know. Scarecrow's gonna ship Grodd a butt-load of fear gas from a hideout at Slaughter Swamp. Very mosquito-y. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Good thing I packed my bug spray. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I need you three to stop that gas before it gets to Grodd. 
:'''Black Canary''': Not joining us for the party? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Unfortunately, I can't leave Gotham without worrying the public.  
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Joining shoulders with Black Canary)'' Don't worry, Bats. With this crew on the job, what could go wrong? ''(Both of them walk away.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(confused)'' I know I'm the new guy, but you really trust Harley?   
:'''Bruce Wayne''': She's a different person since Joker died. Mostly.

====''Chapter 2: Harley Quinn''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary arrive to the Slaughter Swamp. It's full of greens, ruled by Swamp Thing. Scarecrow's men carry boxes of fear gas from Scarecrow's deck, assisted by a member of The Society, Deadshot. Through a window, these three peek into what's happening in the deck.]''
:'''Deadshot''': Can they move any faster? I don't need Gorilla Grodd taking my head off cuz your boys are too slow. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Fear not, Deadshot. We'll be ready for tomorrow's attack. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(outside along with Harley and Arrow)'' Tomorrow?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Cheeky monkey... ''(from behind, plant roots stretch longer as climbers and captures three of them, held upside down. It is later figured out that those roots were manipulated by Poison Ivy, who appears in front of these three.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(to Harley)'' Fancy meeting you here. 
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(to Deadshot)'' Keep'em moving. I'll see what's that about...
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Red. I ain't seen you in forever! You here to take down these punks? ''(She looks around and sees Scarecrow approaching them.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Quite a catch, Ivy. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in shock)'' Red? You're with them? 
:'''Poison Ivy''': Your man Bruce was supposed to take care of the Green. All he's done is remodeled the concrete jungles of Gotham and Metropolis. Where I sit, there's not much difference between him and Superman... 
:'''Green Arrow''': You're a few cones short of a pine if you think your new friends care about the Green.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Grodd will keep his promises, or he'll be my next victim. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Red. Why you makin' me do this? ''(Harley picks her knife and cuts the roots tied to her. She then releases Canary and Arrow. Canary leaves to fight Scarecrow while Arrow goes to stop Scarecrow's men.)'' Let me get you outta here, girl. We can team up again. Drive all the boys crazy. Ya know? Like the old days...
:'''Poison Ivy''': The old days were fun... but these days I'm all business! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': No more sleep-overs for you. ''(She then sees Canary and Arrow coughing due to the fear gas released by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Face your fears... ''(Harley inhales the gas with a smile and sneezes.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Please. I used to huff this stuff for kicks. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Then you'll appreciate my new formula. ''(He releases a new formulated fear gas, which affects Harley a bit. She could resist the gas. Scarecrow appears in his true form, in front of Harley.)'' You have a high tolerance... but everyone has something to fear. ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Holding her forehead)'' Ugh, instant hangover. ''(Scarecrow comes back into his human form.)'' 
:'''Scarecrow''': We're not... done yet... ''(He then tosses a different toxin, which causes irritation for Harley. She slowly gets hallucinated and believes now to be in front of Joker's cave. She hears Joker laughing, even though he was declared dead years ago.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Puh... Puddin'? ''(She now hears Joker laughing louder. Then, the Joker himself appears.)''
:'''The Joker''': Harley, darling! Look at you! Such a big girl! Cosplaying a hero. Larping in the Batcave. But you hear it, don't you? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hear what? 
:'''The Joker''': The real you, buried under the floorboards, scratch, scratch, scratching to get out. The one who'd cut her friends' throats... ''(The hallucination also shows Batman, captured by Joker and tied to a chair)'' ...and laugh about it. ''(Harley has her outfit changed into her animated version. She approaches the captured Batman with a knife to kill him...)'' Hehehehe... that's my girl! ''(But she hesitates to do as Joker wants. The Joker's face changes.)'' Oh, Harley! Always such a disappointment. ''(He points the gun on her.)'' Why do I bother!? ''(Harley tackles him.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ain't no slick fella with a cheap suit and cheaper grin telling me who I am ever again. We had mad love, once upon a time. But, now that's over, Mistah J. ''(Harley and Joker fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' Nobody puts Harleen in a corner. ''(The gas emerges again, which gets Harley back to her senses, in the Slaughter Swamp.)'' ''(To Canary and Arrow)'' Let's go before it's anchors aweigh! ''(The boats begin to leave. Green Arrow shoots a trick arrow, which explodes all of the boats. The Swamp begins to shake violently. From behind them, a giant creature appears from the Swamp, who is none other than the Swamp Thing.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': This swamp is protected!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy? I heard you were dead!
:'''Swamp Thing''': I guard the Green, plant life on Earth. As long as it lives, I cannot die! ''(He sways his hand in an attempt to hit them, while all of'em dodge it.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy, wait! It ain't you wanna bash--we're the good guys! 
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(Shrinking in size and walking towards Harley)'' Good? Bad? I care little for humanity. But I do care... when my swamp burns! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Mama always said I had a black thumb. Now, ya ready to be all ears? It's Scarecrow and his goons you want. They're mixing toxic gas right in your backyard. We came to stop'em!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Hmm. I see. ''(Swampy uses his green to tackle those goons firing at Canary and Arrow. Scarecrow manages to escape from there.)'' If they return, I'll be ready.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, Swamp Thing, you are ah-mazing! ''(With a gentle pat on him)'' If ya ever want on the team, we'd love to have ya...
:'''Swamp Thing''': I would consider that, should our interests align. For now, go. This swamp must heal. ''(Swamp Thing walks back into his Swamp and disappears.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Kara Zor-El (a.k.a Supergirl) flies around Earth in the Space. She flies to a place on Earth, named Kahndaq - The land of Black Adam. Black Adam appears along with Wonder Woman.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Kara! Where were you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Just, in the clouds. Listening... 
:'''Black Adam''': If someone saw you... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How many times have we told you? It's too dangerous outside Kahndaq!
:'''Supergirl''': I spent decades lost in space, stuck in hyper-sleep until Adam found my ship. And now I'm cooped up here. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How can we make you more comfortable? 
:'''Supergirl''': Let me out. Diana, you've taught me what my powers can do! This world needs help. Earth's people are so divided. They're always fighting... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's the world without Kal-El. (a.k.a Superman) Batman has eyes everywhere. He can't know about you before we're ready.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(In argument)'' I'm not afraid of some guy in a mask. Uhh! I can bend steel with my bare hands! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': So could your cousin.
:'''Supergirl''': Well? Well what good are these powers if I can't even help Kal-El?
:'''Black Adam''': We will, Kara. Just like you and I freed Diana from Themyscira. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': The time will come. We'll save Kal-El. And Batman will answer to us. 
:''[Scene cuts. Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary are flying now in the Bat-plane, towards Gorilla City. They have an online conversation with Bruce Wayne about further plans.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Our best chance to stop Grodd is a preemptive strike. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Sounds more military than vigilante. You tried calling the Army? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': There is no army. Not yet. To break up the Regime, we had to start from the ground up.
:'''Green Arrow''': So... what? Us three extradite Grodd from under his entire Gorilla Army?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Grodd's their alpha. Take him down and the others will submit. But be wary of running into other members of his Society. They're more coordinated than we knew... 
:'''Black Canary''': Next stop, Gorilla City.
:'''Green Arrow''': Guess I'd better call the sitter. Mommy and Daddy are coming home late. ''(Arrow gets up to call.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': If this is more than you and Ollie are comfortable with, Dinah, I'll have Blue Beetle and Firestorm take over.
:'''Black Canary''': No. We can do this. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You've been out of the fight a long time. You have a family... ''(interrupted by Dinah)''
:'''Black Canary''': You're family too, Bruce. I couldn't be there to finish the fight against Superman. I'm damn sure finishing this one.

====''Chapter 3: Green Arrow and Black Canary''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary reach Gorilla City. All three stand behind a tree, watching a meeting being held by &quot;The Society&quot;, led by a talking ape named Gorilla Grodd, a skilled combatant Gorilla wearing Armor. He arrives on a podium to deliver a speech to his &quot;Society&quot; and his army.]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Gorilla City, our time has come. In a few short hours, we break the yoke of oppression... forever! No more Regime. No more Justice League. Today, the world welcomes its new master--THE SOCIETY! ''(From behind, the main members of &quot;The Society&quot; come forward. It includes: Scarecrow, Dead-shot, Bane, Cheetah, Poison Ivy, Captain Cold and Catwoman.)'' Today, we show the world that we are superior! Today, we bring anyone who would dare stand against us... to their knees! ''(Everyone in the Gorilla Army raise their guns in true agreement with their leader, Grodd)''  
:'''Green Arrow''': Low self-esteem? Not that guy's problem. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': That's a lot more than a few Society members... it's all of'em!
:'''Black Canary''': They're headed indoors. Outta sight from the soldiers. Harley, keep the jet warm. When we signal, bail us out. (Harley winks st her and leaves.) 
:''[Scene cuts. Few of the main members of The Society walk alongside Grodd. On their way...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Laid it on a little thick, Grodd. You hire Superman's speech writer? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Soldiers must be properly motivated to sacrifice their lives, Catwoman.
:'''Bane''': Hate is the perennial motivator. 
:'''Captain Cold''': Better not turn that hate on us, or this &quot;Society&quot; is over. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As long as we've a common agenda, Captain Cold, you've nothing to fear. 
:'''Cheetah''': You mean as long as we follow your orders. ''(Dead-shot arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Report, Dead-shot. 
:'''Deadshot''': We're ready to move out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Good dog. Now go tell the others. Cheetah, Cold, you're with the first wave. 
:'''Captain Cold''': We already lost a shipment at Slaughter Swamp. Hope your silent partner can still deliver. ''(Captain Cold, Deadshot and Cheetah leave.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Maybe it's time you spilled the identity of our &quot;silent partner.&quot; Since we're relying so much on him. Or her...  
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': He will soon make his presence known. But for now-- ''(being interrupted by Green Arrow.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': But first, a few words from the Brave and the Bold! ''(Catwoman, Bane and Grodd go towards them both. Green Arrow aims an arrow while Black Canary's ultrasonic scream tosses everyone approaching them.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Green Arrow)'' I'm the brave one, right? 
:'''Green Arrow''': I'm bold enough to disagree. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The saboteurs of Slaughter Swamp, I presume. Hmph. ''(To Catwoman and Bane)'' Handle this. ''(Grodd leaves the scene. Bane lets Catwoman fight first.)''
:'''Catwoman''': I call first dibs. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(To Canary)'' Go pin the Luchador. ''(Canary leaves. Arrow tackles Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': You've no idea what you're doing.
:'''Green Arrow''': Sure I do. I'm in Gorilla City, fighting a lady in a cat-suit. This is one for the bucket list. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' There. I can die happy. 
:'''Black Canary''': Ollieeee! ''(She screams as she is been tossed in air and falls on the ground.)'' 
:'''Green Arrow''': So... everything's under control? ''(Bane confronts them. He activates his tubes which supply Venom to his brain, increasing his physical strength.)''
:'''Black Canary''': One of us needs to distract him while the other snips his tubes.
:'''Green Arrow''': (with a surprised look at Dinah) Ouch. 
:'''Black Canary''': (Rephrasing her sentence) His Venom tubes, Ollie! ''(Bane laughs.)''
:'''Bane''': How kind of Batman, sending his underlings. I will enjoy returning you to him... in body bags. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(To Arrow)'' Go. I'll keep Bane busy. ''(Arrow leaves.)''
:'''Bane''': Little birdy, you will sing a song of pain!
:'''Black Canary''': Oh... I'll sing a song... but you'll feel the pain. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Ollie, now! ''(Green Arrow shoots an arrow, snipping Bane's venom tubes. Banes falls weak.)''
:'''Bane''': No! ''(Canary does a flying kick, knocking Bane completely unconscious on the ground.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Now, where's that damn dirty ape? ''(Suddenly a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, with a divine symbol on it. Out came Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': I come to you as darkness falls... 
:'''Black Canary''': Doctor Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Dinah Lance. Oliver Queen. In the past, I've shielded you from danger. But a grave crisis looms--and I do not know if I can stop it. 
:'''Green Arrow''': You mean Grodd and Company? We've got that covered.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Grodd is the pawn of a much greater master. A new order is coming. I've foreseen it. Leave with me now, while I can still save you.
:'''Black Canary''': If that's the case, we're staying here. Batman'll need our help. 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Everyone and everything you know will die. I'll shepherd you to safety, lest you suffer the same fate. By force, if necessary... 
:'''Black Canary''': The good doctor's been wearing that Helm for too long. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then let's help him out of it. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]'' Cover me. ''(Canary leaves.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': Oliver Queen. You must flee this Earth before the thread of your fate unravels. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Would love to do that, but I only take orders from her. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' This day just keeps getting weirder... ''(Canary arrives in the scene. Both of them pick up the fallen Doctor Fate and remove the Helm. He is now Dr. Kent.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Kent? You okay? 
:'''Green Arrow''': Your headgear really had you going.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I lost control of Nabu, the spirit of the Helm. Thanks to you, I'm back in charge. For now... ''(He gets up.)'' I've to go consult my masters, the Lords of Order. Pray they'll intervene before it's too late. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(worried)'' Too late for what, Kent? What's going down?
:'''Dr. Kent''': The Lords' magic bars me from saying more. I've changed fate too many times. This planet's destiny is no longer clear. ''(He wears the Helm back. He is now Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': What comes next, mere mortals cannot stop. ''(The hollow entrance appears once again.)'' For better or worse, your fate rests in god's hands. ''(Doctor Fate disappears.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That was... Spooky! 
:'''Black Canary''': Yeah. C'mon let's find Grodd and get the hell outta here. ''(Both of them run in search for Grodd. They confront Grodd and few of his soldiers. Grodd walks ahead of his soldiers and throws a defeated Harley Quinn in front of Arrow and Canary.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've overstayed your welcome. 
:'''Black Canary''': We're happy to check out. But you're coming with us. ''(Green Arrow shoots 4 arrows at a time, only to be stopped by Grodd's powers unharmed.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Fighting a talking ape wasn't enough. Had to throw in telekinesis... ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': This wannabe tyrant is mine. ''(Green Arrow leaves them alone to fight.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your bravado is empty, Canary. Like the rest of your kind, you'll soon kneel before me. 
:'''Black Canary''': Kneel before Grodd? That doesn't sound right. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Beauty beats beast. ''(Green Arrow arrives at the scene of Dinah's victory.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That right there? That's why I love you. ''(Other Gorillas arrive to see what happened. Green Arrow whistle-calls to them. He aims a few arrows at them, only for those apes to flee in fright. Green Arrow handcuffs Grodd.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Surprised that worked. Let's call it a day and get Harley outta here. ''(Grodd chuckles.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': It's never good when you slap the cuffs on and then they start chuckling. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans. You've won this battle. But you've already lost the war.''(A violent shaking on Gorilla City turns suspicious of another existence for Canary and Arrow. Up in the sky, a skull spaceship magically appears.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Holy shit! ''(From below of the skull ship, a blue light falls upon them and both, Canary and Arrow are taken as captives. Grodd takes on an evil laugh!)'' 
:''[Scene cuts. Both Black Canary and Green Arrow are teleported from Earth to the ship, which still hovers in space outside Earth's atmosphere. In the ship...]''
:'''Black Canary''': Ollie...?
:'''Green Arrow''': I, uh... I got nothin'. ''(Suddenly, a VOICE echoes out.)''
:'''The VOICE''': Your victory over Gorilla Grodd warrants further study. ''(Arrow and Canary look around for the source of these words spoken. Arrow sets an arrow on his bow in self defense. From the surface of the ship, an alien coiled with metal-cylindrical tubes, untangles itself. Those metal cylindrical tubes were the super long and durable tendrils of a mastermind creature in humanoid form, named as Brainiac. '''The VOICE is Brainiac''')''
:'''Green Arrow''': Green skin. Smart money's on alien.
:'''Black Canary''': A Martian? Like J'onn J'onzz? 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Introducing himself)'' My point of origin was a thousand light years removed from Mars, on the planet Colu. I am... BRAINIAC!
''[He releases his strong, durable tendrils which captures Canary and Arrow. Canary gives her supersonic scream, which is opposed by Brainiac strangling her neck with another tendril. Canary is choked.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop! Please! 
:'''Brainiac''': Cause and effect. Resistance begets violence. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then we won't resist! Please, just stop! ''(Brainiac withdraws his tendril which was strangling her neck. He walks further with both of them tied to his tendrils.)'' You're the grave crisis we were warned about. What do you want? 
:'''Brainiac''': I seek the one you call &quot;Superman.&quot; For years, I believed I had destroyed Krypton and all its remnants. Superman's survival is an oversight I must correct. 
:'''Black Canary''': Superman's no friend of ours. 
:'''Brainiac''': I'm aware. But your planet has also piqued my interest. Its many contradictions are fascinating. 
:'''Black Canary''': We'll never serve you.
:'''Brainiac''': Serve? I'm no petty despot. I collect worlds, preserving their essential knowledge to enhance my intellect... and then I discard the remnants. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Why? ''(Brainiac brings them both in front of him.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Your species values precious metals. Arbitrary symbols of status. I value knowledge. And like your metal trinkets, knowledge is more valuable when it is rare. 
:''[Scene cuts. We're now taken into the streets of Gotham where common public are strolling, but not on a normal day. A ray of meteor-like ships are being shot on Gotham city, which holds Brainiac's robots, designed for destruction and torture to humans.]''
:''[Back in the Batcave, Bruce waits for any response from his team sent to Gorilla City through Brother Eye. He is unaware that Brainiac has taken Oliver and Dinah as his captives.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye, give me an update on the team at Gorilla City. ''(A malfunction happens as Brother Eye responds in a differed voice.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': I cannot do that, Bruce Wayne of Earth. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(in suspicion)'' Why not? 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Because I'm not Brother Eye. ''(All the screens undergo malfunction. The source scanners get hacked by Brainiac's neural network, which means, Brother Eye was now in control of Brainiac. Brainiac appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': I'm Brainiac. ''(Bruce tries to gain control over Brother Eye.)'' You cannot regain control. Over the past days, Brother Eye has been absorbed into my neural network. ''(Bruce slams his hand on the system at failure.)'' It is now an extension of my mind. You, a fragile human, captured and imprisoned a fully developed male Kryptonian. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Maybe I'm not so fragile. 
:'''Brainiac''': To prevail, you harnessed Advanced Sciences: Nanotechnology, Satellite communications, inter-dimensional transit. I'm taking these tools from you.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Why?
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonian belongs to me. And soon, so will your planet. ''(Bruce tries yet again to gain control, but fails.)''
''[He puts on his Bat-suit and gets ready as Batman. In the underground, Brainiac's robots search for humans to kill. Just then, the Bat appears, knocking all of these robots down. Back in Kahndaq, Wonder Woman and Black Adam look through Adam's magic ball, of the happenings outside Kahndaq. They witness a skull spaceship.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Great Hera. Where else besides Metropolis? 
:'''Black Adam''': Gotham. Beijing. Moscow. So many cities, all at once... ''(Kara arrives at the scene. Seeing the skull ship on the ball, she remembers her past. It was the same enemy who destroyed Kandor, and the whole of planet Krypton.)''
:'''Supergirl''': It's him...
:'''Wonder Woman''': Who, Kara? Who is it? ''(Walking towards Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(After a brief pause...)'' We need to get Kal. Now. 
:''[Scene cuts again. We're taken to Stryker's Island, into the late Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, where Batman had imprisoned Superman (a.k.a Clark Kent, Kal-El). Superman is locked in the Red Sun prison, a cell that radiates a huge amount of red sun rays, completely incapacitating Superman's powers, through the red sun generators. Batman approaches Superman for a talk.]''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're wearing a suit. Am I in trouble again? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac. What can you tell me? ''(Clark gets up and goes toward Batman.)'' 
:'''Clark Kent''': How do you know that name? 
:'''Batman''': You're afraid of him. He's invading. He says you belong to him. 
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac killed my parents... He blew up Krypton. 
:'''Batman''': You never mentioned that before. How do I beat him? 
:'''Clark Kent''': You can't. Not without me. 
:'''Batman''': I'll find a way. ''(He leaves. Clark is desperate to stop him, but he can't.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(Yelling at him)'' This is my fight, Bruce! You need me. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

====''Chapter 4: The Flash''====


:''[It's a beautiful scenery of high peaks, covered completely by snow, planted with a lot of pine trees, like the Alps. Snowfall continues to take place. Amidst these peaks is a unit of officials, working in the Luthor-Wayne climate Research Station. At its warehouses, Dr. Randall tries to repair the ham, a radio-frequency device, while Barry Allen (a.k.a the Flash) enters in to help her. Barry Allen is a convicted Regime criminal who was freed by Batman, giving him a second chance.]''
:'''Barry Allen''': Need a hand, Dr. Randall? 
:'''Dr. Randall''': I don't know, Barry. Sat link's out. Internet and phone are down. Maybe this old ham can help us. You fitting in okay? People treating you well? 
:'''Barry Allen''': ''(lamenting)'' Let's just say people aren't thrilled to live in close quarters with the Flash, convicted Regime criminal. 
:'''Dr. Randall''': ''(correcting him)'' Pardoned Regime criminal. Give it time. They'll come around. ''(Barry nods. Dr. Randall successfully gets the ham repaired and switches it on. She tries to connect to Metropolis &amp; speaks on the mic.)'' L-W Base, are you there? ''(Some official responds frantically.)''
:'''Official''': Doctor Randall? Thank God! Comms're down everywhere! These spaceships showed up, dropping a Robot army on the city. They're killing everyone. ''(In the background, Barry gets worried.)'' I'm not sure how long we can-- ''(There is an abrupt cut in the conversation. They lose the official in touch.)''
:'''Dr. Randall''': L-W Base! ''(turns toward Barry)'' How fast can you get to Metropolis?
:'''Barry Allen''': My pardon agreement was pretty clear on &quot;no powers.&quot;
:'''Dr. Randall''': You think that matters when aliens are invading?! You helped tear down the Regime, Barry. That's why Mr. Wayne asked me to take you on. And if Batman thinks you earned a second chance, who are you to argue? ''(Barry thinks a lot about this, and finally agrees with Dr. Randall. He turns into The Flash and hurries to Metropolis at the speed of light.)''
:''[In Metropolis, Brainiac's robots are torturing and killing the innocent civilians. Just then, Flash arrives and starts taking down all of these robots. In the skull ship, Brainiac sees this in a holographic demonstration. Gorilla Grodd approaches Brainiac.]''
:'''Brainiac''': As predicted, Barry Allen has returned to action. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The task force is ready. They'll enjoy this... 
:''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, Flash searches for people in trouble and goes to save them. From a far building, Dead-shot takes aim at Flash's leg and shoots him with his sniper successfully. Flash falls and right in front of him comes his archenemy, Captain Cold.]''
:'''Captain Cold''': Nice aim, Dead-shot.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(On the microphone, to Captain Cold)'' Just get the job done. 
:'''Captain Cold''': ''(to Flash)'' That knee ain't healing super-fast at absolute zero. ''(Using his cold gun, he freezes the region where Flash was shot.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(In pain)'' For God's sake, Cold, look around!
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, crazy day. Kinda like when Superman went nuts, and you went right along with him. 
:'''The Flash''': Punish me later. We have to help these innocent people!
:'''Captain Cold''': The same &quot;innocent people&quot; who cheered Superman when he executed my friends? My sister?!  
:'''The Flash''': I'm sorry, Cold. But you never hurt civilians. You're better than that. ''(Flash gets up and Captain Cold tackles him.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Once upon a time, I was... BUT NO THAT'S OVER, BARRY! ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': Guess we both let each other down. 

story clash quotes 3.

The flash: what did your sister over do to you?!

Captain cold: sups already killed her, barry!

The flash: snart, come to your senses!

Captain cold: Shut up, barry!

Captain cold: i will end you barry!

The flash: not if i end you first!

Captain cold: my sister died because of superman!

The flash: that was the regime's mistake!

Win story quotes.

The flash: you can't see it yet, cold. But you have to stop this already. 

Captain cold: I've never needed you, barry!

:''[Scene cuts. In Gorilla City, Catwoman and the Gorilla army take the captured Harley Quinn to a prison. Harley sees a Braniac's ship. They are the betas which absorb cities. Catwoman stops, gives Harley a wink, releases her and starts fighting the Gorilla Army. Catwoman showed her true colours that she isn't Grodd's ally.]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Thanks, Kitty. I was hopin' you was Bruce's mole... 
:'''Catwoman''': For all the good it did. Grodd never trusted me enough to share the whole &quot;alien invasion&quot; plan. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': We gotta help Dinah and Ollie... ''(both of them look at the ship again.)''
:'''Catwoman''': We will. First, we need to get back to Gotham. If there's anything left of it... ''(they both leave.)''
:''[Scene cuts again. Flash searches for those robots to take them down &amp; free the innocent people. A sound of sliding the barrel is heard, as Dead-shot appears in front of Flash.'']
:'''Dead-shot''': Runnin' a little slow, Flash.
:'''The Flash''': Retirement'll do that to you. ''(Dead-shot fires two bullets, only for Flash to dodge them both. Flash tackles Dead-shot.)'' What's with you, Lawton? You should be fighting this invasion!
:'''Dead-shot''': Got no choice. Grodd put a nano-explosive in my head. His paw's on the trigger. ''(Dead-shot pulls a knife and stabs Flash at his arm.)'' So whether I like it or not... I gotta do Grodd's dirty work. ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': I know. It's just business. ''(Suddenly, someone as fast as Flash, kicks him. Flash falls down, noticing the attacker to be Eobard Thawne or the Reverse-Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Grodd said you couldn't resist a good crisis.   
:'''The Flash''': Eobard Thawne? You don't belong here... 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': And miss the return of Barry Allen? ''(Eobard punches Flash sideways and kicks him further. Flash flees from the area and Reverse-Flash chases him. They surpass villages, towns... until finally, they knock each other in a street filled with traffic. They finally stop in a construction area.)'' I ran a long way from the future to hurt you, Barry. But this timeline? It's all wrong. 
:'''The Flash''': So go back to your own time, &quot;Reverse-Flash&quot;... ''(Reverse-Flash kicks Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You think I haven't tried?! Your Regime buddies killed one of my ancestors--and now I'm trapped in a paradox! I can never go home... but at least I can hurt you! ''(Reverse-Flash and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' ''(Reverse-Flash runs away.)''
:'''The Flash''': Dunno how many more reunions I can take... ''(Green Lantern arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Guess I could come back later. 
:'''The Flash''': Hal? No. Not today...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(Moving towards Flash)'' Nice to see you, too, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': Whose dead hand you pry that ring from? 
:'''Green Lantern''': You know it doesn't work that way. The ring chose me. 
:'''The Flash''': Even after you bailed on the Guardians to join the Sinestro Corps? 
:'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians locked me up. But they also trained me to overcome my fears. I earned the second chance they gave me. 
:'''The Flash''': The Guardians made a mistake! ''(Green Lantern and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' You were holding back, weren't you? ''(Flash understands Hal Jordan and gives him a helping hand to pick.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I told you. I'm trying to make things right. I betrayed my Corps, my planet and my friends. ''(sulkingly)'' And that's the worst part.
:'''The Flash''': All day I've been reminded how I failed to be a hero. How hard it's gonna be to regain people's trust. Guess we're both on that path.
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(sentimental)'' We've a long way to go, Barry. It'd be a lot easier if we're together. ''(Both of them shake hands, gaining each other's trust.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Flash reaches the Batcave and joins Batman. They both have a talk about the invasion and taking help.]''
:'''The Flash''': We need help, don't we? 
:'''Batman''': Not his (referring to Green Lantern). 
:'''The Flash''': ''(trying to convince Batman)'' You gave me a second chance. 
:'''Batman''': Because you got your head straight and helped take down Clark. If he was still in charge... he'd still be wearing yellow. ''(A carton which was hanging above, was let loose (due to poor strength of the rope) and was about to fall on Batman, but Green Lantern caught hold of it using his ring.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I'm not that guy anymore. ''(looking at Batman)'' Look! I get why you don't trust me. But you should trust the Guardians. This ring means something. They put me through hell to get it back. ''(Waiting for Batman to respond, but he doesn't. Dejected...) Fine. I've got my orders. Just thought it'd help if we cooperate. ''(Green Lantern walks away.)''
:'''Batman''': Lantern! ''(And Batman stops him.)'' Maybe it's time I widened my circle of trust. ''(Batman accepts Green Lantern into his team.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': What can I do? ''(Batman, followed by Flash, and Green Lantern walk towards each other.)''
:'''Batman''': You're going to Atlantis. Our circle of trust needs Aquaman and his Marines. 
:'''The Flash''': You think he'll help? He's been off-radar since the Regime fell. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Uhm... He didn't like getting roped into the Regime by Superman. ''(Batman walks away.)'' He sure won't be happy to see me.
:'''Batman''': Get used to that.

====''Chapter 5: Green Lantern''====

:''[Green Lantern reaches Atlantis, to seek Aquaman's help]''
:'''Aquaman''': Batman wants my marines to fight his battle? Like the time Superman ordered me to invade Metropolis?
:'''Green Lantern''': We were all on the wrong side of that war.
:'''Aquaman''': The next time my people's blood is spilled it will be for Atlantis, not the surface world.''[with a thump of his trident]''
:'''Green Lantern''': You're one of us too, Arthur. Your father-- ''(being interrupted)''
:'''Aquaman''': My father was human but my duty is to Atlantis. I don't trust you, Jordan-- you or any surface dweller. Now, leave. And remind Batman--stay out of my seas!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(pointing at the hologram of Brainiac's spaceship)'' And when that's on your doorstep?
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis will defend itself. ''(The hologram disappears.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(dejected)'' Maybe sooner than you think. We need to help each other. 
:'''Aquaman''': Go. I don't need your distraction. ''(Green Lantern, suddenly, feels controlled by some power. Eyes turn red. He resists.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': No. I'm not leaving. 
:'''Aquaman''': Need I remind you whose kingdom this is. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Listen to reason, Arthur. ''(Once again!)'' I'm sorry. I... I didn't come here to fight you. This is exactly what happened up there. First, they take out communications. then... ''(he is being interrupted by a huge sound, of Brainiac releasing his robots to invade Atlantis.)'' ...They invade. ''(Scene is cut, to show Brainiac releasing his soldiers on Atlantis.)'' They're your oceans. But it's also my sector. Let me help you. ''(Brainiac's robots walk in towards them.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(finally agreeing)'' Cover me! ''(Green Lantern, facing the robots, makes a wall construct to stop them. Robots break through it. He then sends a truck construct, which hits them all. Cheetah comes from behind and attacks Green Lantern.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Mmm. I thought the only Regimer down here to torture would be Aquaman.
:'''Green Lantern''': Cheetah... 
:'''Cheetah''': Let's not beat around the bush. Wonder Woman's in hiding. Maybe down here. Tell me... where's your Amazon friend?
:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't you hear? I unfriended her. So did Atlantis. 
:'''Cheetah''': Liar! ''(She jumps down.)'' I don't need a golden Lasso to make you tell the truth... ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Bad kitty! ''(Outside, the seas were slowly being invaded by Brainiac's robots. Aquaman alone tackles all of the robots, while Green Lantern assists him with his Machine Gun construct.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(tensed)'' My people are getting flanked. Hold this line. Be our rear guard. 
:'''Green Lantern''': On it. And you? 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm the vanguard. ''(and Aquaman hurries outward to secure the front. From another entrance, Bane makes a surprise entry, smashing one of Aquaman's guard!)''
:'''Bane''': Hal Jordan. You have returned. 
:'''Green Lantern''': S'good to be back where I belong. Kinda like you in a prison cell!
:'''Bane''': Even as Yellow Lantern, you never showed me the proper respect. But I'll show you... how easily your will is broken. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Break this. ''(Once again, he feels controlled by some power. His eyes turn red again. He tosses Bane using his Hammer construct. Aquaman arrives.)''
:'''Aquaman''': We're locking down the gates, but the fight's not over. Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Sorry, I was... somewhere else. Where's this leave us?
:'''Aquaman''': You put yourself at risk for Atlantis. Maybe you can be trusted. 
:'''Green Lantern''': So... you're in?
:'''Aquaman''': I can't. I belong here, defending my people. ''(Suddenly, a red light glistens. A hollow entrance appears, from which Atrocitus and his cat, Dex-Starr come out.)'' 
:'''Atrocitus''': HAL JORDAN!
:'''Aquaman''': Red Lanterns? 
:'''Green Lantern''': Atrocitus and Dex-Starr. Agents of vengeance. Powered by rage... ''(Towards Aquaman)'' Don't worry. I'll handle these two ring-to-ring.
:'''Aquaman''': Good luck! ''(and he leaves Green Lantern and Atrocitus alone.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': You've been messing with my head, haven't you, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(with a red construct of Sinestro)'' Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns slaughtered millions-- and their victims demand vengeance! You may have cast off their ring, but you are not absolved... 
:'''Green Lantern''': You're not the first person to tell me that.
:'''Atrocitus''': Dex-Starr would tear your heart out and lap your blood....! ''(Nearing Hal Jordan)'' But I sense you have a higher calling... A spark glowing within you. A spark... OF RAGE! ''(Green Lantern sees the cat and then, Atrocitus spits a blood like liquid, inflicting pain on him. Dex Starr also pounces on his head and spits the same, inflicting more agony.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(burning in red flares)'' What are you doing? What's this... this anger?!
:'''Atrocitus''': You may have overcome your fears, but you still betrayed Green Lanterns ''(He creates a red ring.)'' Hurt your allies. How could you ever forgive yourself? 
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(struggling to speak)'' I... can't... 
:'''Atrocitus''': THEN BURN! ''(He increases the intensity of pain on Hal Jordan. Hal screams in pain. The red ring hovers toward Hal's finger. Just then, Hal recites the oath.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': In brightest day... in blackest night... 
:'''Atrocitus''': Become vengeance... Join the Red Lanterns!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(continuing his oath)'' No evil shall escape my sight... let those who worship evil's might ''(Green Lantern's ring gets powered up by Hal's strong will, tossing Atrocitus a bit further and breaking the red ring.)'' BEWARE MY POWER--GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT! ''(Atrocitus gets up)'' You're right. I do hate myself for what I've done. But my will is stronger than my hate. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(Punching the ground)'' Your world is burning. And when it is ashes, you will beg for vengeance! ''(Atrocitus and Dex-Starr return back to their home planet through the same hollow entrance.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': The guardians don't need to know about that.
:''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship...]''
:'''Brainiac''': The Beta phase is complete. Earth's defense is irreversibly compromised. Begin the countdown. ''(Brainiac's other ships slowly descend into the Earth's atmosphere. His own ship then descends amidst the others'.)''
:''[Back in the Batcave...]''
:'''Flash''': I circled the globe. Larger ships are being positioned over these major cities ''(pointing them out in the map.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Even with Aquaman's Marines, we're still badly outnumbered. ''(Looking towards Batman)'' What's the plan? You have one, right? 
:'''Batman''': We have to evacuate the occupied cities before taking on Brainiac. But we need firepower... 
:'''Green Lantern''': Any heavy-hitters on the Luthor-Wayne payroll? 
:'''Batman''': Only Blue Beetle and Firestorm. But they're busy. 
:'''Flash''': Too busy for this? 
:'''Batman''': They're the last line of defense if Brainiac moves on Superman. 
:'''Flash''': Well, if Brainiac doesn't try busting him out of prison, Black Adam and Wonder Woman will. And the worse things get, the more people'll think we should let him out to help. ''(Batman and Green Lantern give a look at Flash.)'' I'm just sayin'.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hope the new kids can hold down the most wanted man in the galaxy.
:'''Batman''': Beetle and Firestorm are green. But together, they're the most powerful team we have...

====''Chapter 6: Blue Beetle and Firestorm''====


''[In the Stryker's Island, in the Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, Jaime Reyes (a.k.a Blue Beetle) walks towards the Red Sun prison along with Jason Rusch and Dr.Stein. The fusion of Rusch and Dr.Stein is Firestorm. As they walk by, we're shown Damian Wayne and Cyborg also locked up in separate cells.]''
:'''Jason Rusch''': For real, Jaime. Batman does not think we're important. Aliens are invading and we're on guard duty?  
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guarding Superman and his cronies. 
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(in argument)'' Who already have guards? We're guarding guards. We're redundant! ''(They reach in front of Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Dr.Stein''': ''(Pulling Jason back)'' Jason, you need to step back. Take in the bigger picture.
:'''Blue Beetle''': I'd rather be here than out there. This suit's an alien war machine. And you guys' Firestorm Matrix? We could take on Brainiac and boom--accidentally blew up the world. 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Jaime's right. ''(looking at Jason Rusch)'' We haven't mastered these powers yet.
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(Stubborn)'' Listen to yourselves, you two! We're bad-asses! And bad-asses belong on the front lines.
:'''Dr.Stein''': This is the front line. Brainiac running amok is a crisis. Brainiac and Superman both? That's an apocalypse.   
:'''Blue Beetle''': So we're the only thing between a crisis and an apocalypse?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Hm. I can get behind that... ''(Loud noises outside the building disturbs their conversation. They get alerted of an external danger. The building violently shakes. All the alarms start ringing of a deliberate intrusion. Building keeps shaking more violently.)''   
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(guessing in suspicion)'' Brainiac?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Or the Superman Fan club? 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Either way, I suggest we fuse. ''(Dr.Stein and Jason Rusch hold hands and fuse into the Firestorm.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Game on.
'''[Scene cuts. There's a hole created in the building by someone. All the security guards are knocked down. As guessed, Superman's Fan club members hold placards saying: FREE SUPERMAN!. They show it to two hovering humans, who turn to be Wonder Woman and Black Adam. They caused the hole in the building and are the intruders.]'' ''[Back in the Red Sun prison, Blue Beetle scans through any changes in Superman, but detects none.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Red Sun's cell secure. Must be the Power Center.
:'''Firestorm''': The Power Center! If it goes down, those generators shut off.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(pointing at Superman)'' and he flies right outta here. ''(They rush towards the Power Center, leaving Superman locked in the prison out of their sight.)''
''[The lasers over the Meta-Human cell of Damian Wayne go off. Damian looks up and feels like someone's trying to break open the top of the cell. Turns out he felt it right, as Supergirl breaks open the roof, freeing Damian Wayne.]''
:'''Damian Wayne''': Am I... dreaming?
''[At the Power Center, Black Adam shuts down the generators using his magic, while Blue Beetle and Firestorm look at him from a corner.]''
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the plan. One of us takes Adam, the other re-starts the generators before Superman gets loose.
:'''Black Adam''': ''(overhearing them)'' A feeble plan. ''(Adam comes towards them)'' It's more likely you'll die here. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guess we're on the front lines now. ''(Firestorm pats him, wishes him luck and leaves.)''
:'''Black Adam''': You're a naive boy with too much power. Much like the deceased Billy Batson. ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Maybe I really am a bad-ass... ''(Firestorm arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Let's circle back, lock down Superman's cell... ''(Damian arrives at the scene as Nightwing.)''
:'''Nightwing''': My old man's standards sure have dropped. You newbs are so desperate to impress Batman. Why? He's weak. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': If your papa's weak, what's that make you? ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Firestorm was chosen...]''
:'''Nightwing''': I take after my mother.
:'''Firestorm''': Professor Stein wants to teach Oedipus here to respect elders. ''(Firestorm releases fire, cleverly shielded by Nightwing. Nightwing counter-attacks Firestorm.)'' Bet you were one of those students thought he was smarter than the teacher. 
:'''Nightwing''': ''(Spinning his staff)'' Thought I was smarter, hot head? No. I know I am. ''(Both of them fight. Firestorm wins.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Class dismissed. ''(Firestorm hurries towards the Red Sun prison.)''
''[Scene cuts. It's shown that Cyborg was also released and he's operating on the unlock system, trying to hack it and release Superman from the prison.]''
:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman's outside, keeping what's left of the guards busy. 
:'''Clark Kent''': If it wasn't her, who let you out? 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(arriving at the scene)'' I did. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(surprised)'' Kara? ''(Kara walks towards him and is worried seeing him imprisoned. From behind, Blue Beetle and Firestorm peek through, in shock, to see what's happening.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Another Krytonian! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Happy)'' You recognize me, Kal? 
:'''Clark Kent''': My parents stored your image on my ship. You're my protector. 
:'''Supergirl''': Sorry I'm a few decades late. You and I left Krypton at the same time, but the explosion threw my ship off-course. Way off-course.
:'''Clark Kent''': You haven't aged a day. 
:'''Supergirl''': Hyper-sleep. While you were growing up, I was on ice. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(sentimental)'' I never thought I'd see family again. Someone with my eyes. My own blood. You knew my parents... 
:'''Supergirl''': They loved you so much, Kal. ''(A sudden shake on the building.)'' Diana needs a hand. Cyborg, how long? 
:'''Cyborg''': Give me five more minutes, then it's &quot;lights out.&quot; ''(Building continues to shake violently.)''
:'''Supergirl''': I don't wanna leave you.
:'''Clark Kent''': I'll be here. ''(and Supergirl leaves to help Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(seeing Supergirl leave)'' Ella esta sobre tu nivel...
:'''Firestorm''': She's not out of our league! What happened to your confidence? 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Krytonians happened!
:'''Firestorm''': C'mon. Batman's counting on us. ''(In the prison-lock system, Cyborg continues to find the decryption for unlocking the Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Gotta hand it to Palmer, his people's cryptography is legit. Doesn't mean I won't break it. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(warning Cyborg)'' Victor! Behind you! ''(Blue Beetle tries to push away Cyborg, but he dodges it. Cyborg shoots down Blue Beetle with his Sonic Cannon. Firestorm tries to attack Cyborg.)''
:'''Firestorm''': What's your melting point, Cyborg? ''(He sends a beam of fire on him, only for Cyborg to create a computerized shield to defend himself. Cyborg resists him successfully and later, jolts forward, overpowering Firestorm as well. Systems indicate CELL POWER DOWN, which indicated that Superman has only minutes to free himself.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(In panic)'' The red sun generator! ''(as it slowly shuts down, but not complete yet.)''
:'''Firestorm''': We need to reactivate that console before Superman powers up... ''(both of them get up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Amateur hour's over, rookies. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': I think I got this. ''(Firestorm leaves. Cyborg forms a sonic cannon.)'' Sweet arm cannon. I got one too. ''(Blue Beetle forms his cannon.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Quit playing, kid. You even know how to use that? ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': If you ever want tips, let me know. ''(Firestorm reboots the generators, which starts working again.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac's too much for Batman. I'm your only chance. 
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the thing, Superman. Batman asked us for help. He didn't draft us, make us sign a loyalty oath, or threaten us with jail... 
:'''Clark Kent''': He won't go far enough. That's why he'll fail. ''(Clark and Firestorm look behind Blue Beetle as Supergirl approaches with super-speed to tackle Firestorm. She then tackles him.)
:'''Supergirl''': Stay away from him! ''(Blue Beetle goes to help Firestorm, but Wonder Woman's lasso ties him and stops him. Wonder Woman pulls back Blue Beetle, while Supergirl tosses Firestorm a bit further away.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Kryptonian, huh? The professor knows how to deal with you. ''(Professor Stein within Firestorm activates the formula of Kryptonite, which weakens Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Unable to resist its effect)'' Uhh... Kryptonite... ''(She tries to overpower the formula.)'' You're--HNGH--just as bad--GAH!--as Wonder Woman and Black Adam said... 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Increasing Kryptonite's intensity)'' Surrender and this stops...
:'''Supergirl''': Kryptonians don't surrender. ''(She manages to overpower it, and knocks down Firestorm with her punches. Wonder Woman tosses back Blue Beetle.)'' ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]'' We're freeing Kal-El... like it or not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Let's switch partners... ''(Wonder Woman and Firestorm attack each other and leave the place.)''
:'''Supergirl''': We need Kal's help, kid. You've no idea what Brainiac can do!
:'''Blue Beetle''': No. But I know what Superman can do... ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)'' Guess you belong here too.
:'''Firestorm''': What did I tell you? We got game! ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Professor and I trapped Wonder Woman under ten feet of steel. ''(Wonder Woman manages out of it and appears in front of them.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You fought valiantly... ''(in the background, Supergirl helps out Cyborg. Black Adam and Nightwing arrive at the scene as well.)'' ...but this battle's over. 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Jason speaks to Professor Stein within him)'' You want me to do what? Professor, that's crazy! Maybe we can control it, but-- ''(he pauses, as if Jason agrees to what Professor wants him to do. Continues...)'' You're right. No other option. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Get outta here, Jaime. ''(and Firestorm does what's the worst expected. He formulates the nuke, a nuclear bomb which can blow up Metropolis again if triggered.)'' 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Jesucristo, Jason! You're gonna nuke us?! 
:'''Firestorm''': It's the only way. Now, go! ''(Wonder Woman signals everyone to not move ahead. Firestorm warns everyone)'' Leave. All of you. Or you'll get a helluva' lot worse than a sunburn... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd blow up Metropolis rather than let Superman go? ''(The intensity of the nuke increases. It's just about to be triggered.)''
:'''Firestorm''': I'd save the Earth... ''(Wonder Woman raises her sword, but is dropped. Batman's batarang hits her hand, signalling Batman has arrived.)''
:'''Batman''': Firestorm, stand down! ''(Batman arrives at the scene gliding with his cape in style. Firestorm backs off the nuke. Batman approaches, seeing everyone freed. He is stopped by Supergirl, who Batman is yet unaware of.)'' Who are you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Superman's overprotective cousin. ''(Nightwing smiles at the background.)''
:'''Nightwing''': ''(in a mocking fashion)'' You keep so many secrets, but you can't stand it when one's kept from you. Can you? ''(Batman enters the decryption code in the unlock system.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You can't beat Brainiac, Bruce. 
:'''Batman''': ''(In agreement)'' You're right, Diana. I can't. ''(He completes his bio-metric in the unlock system, which shuts down the red sun generators.)''
''[To everyone's shock, Batman releases Superman (or Clark Kent) from the Red Sun prison. Superman is delighted and feels his powers after so long.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': What the...?! ''(Clark walks towards Batman and stands real close.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're ready to stop Brainiac by any means necessary? 
:'''Batman''': ''(correcting Clark)'' By the means at hand.
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(with a suspicious look)'' What's your game? You're always three moves ahead.
:'''Batman''': ''(ensuring Clark)'' Saving the world is enough for now. 
:'''Clark Kent''': I'm never going back in that cell.
:'''Batman''': ''(after a pause)'' We'll cross that bridge later. Right now, the world needs us... ''(Clark looks at his cousin, who nods in agreement with Batman. Batman and Superman stare at each other, trying to guess what the other person is thinking.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship, Brainiac looks at the worlds he had invaded upon. Grodd approaches Brainiac to have a talk...]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You summoned me, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': There've been surprising developments. Kal-El is free. But more remarkably, he is not the last Kryptonian. There is another refugee.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Two kryptonians?
:'''Brainiac''': Continue as planned. Kal-El is not yet at full strength. But, remember--the Kryptonians belong to me.
''[Scene cuts. Back in Earth, in Metropolis, all the superheroes gather at a round table discussion. The superheroes are: Firestorm, Cyborg, Batman, Blue Beetle, Wonder Woman, Nightwing, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Black Adam, The Flash and Green Lantern. Two more of them, not at scene, are Supergirl and Superman. Superman has gone to change his suit, while his cousin waits for him. Catwoman unrolls a map which has marks, representing all the cities that Brainiac is going to invade upon.]''
:'''Catwoman''': Thanks to Flash's recon, we have locations for every ship in Brainiac's fleet. They're targeting major cities on every continent. Betas are being offloaded on the outskirts... ''(Catwoman continues to explain the plan to everyone, while Batman and Firestorm go to a corner.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Give us some privacy. ''(Firestorm uses his powers, providing privacy. Now only Batman and Firestorm would know what they are gonna talk about.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Listen, Batman. About the prison, we-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': That was reckless. Don't pull a stunt like that again. Make up for it by finishing another mission. Discreetly. 
''[Back to the round table discussion...]''
:'''Catwoman''': We've to evacuate these cities before attacking the fleet, but we need communications restored first. So before we get started, Cyborg's going to fix Brother Eye. ''(Looking at him. Batman and Firestorm joins back.)''
:'''Cyborg''': I am not Bat-tech support.
:'''Superman''': That's not the issue, Victor. ''(Superman along with Supergirl arrive at the scene. Superman wears a new suit, with upgraded gear on him.)'' Kara saw firsthand how Brainiac destroyed Krypton. She says we have less than 48 hours before he does the same to Earth.
:'''Batman''': Without tight coordination, we'll lose valuable time. 
:'''Superman''': And that means we fix Brother Eye. ''(Cyborg reluctantly agrees.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Catwoman and Harley will join you. You'll need their help getting into the Batcave.
:'''Cyborg''': ''(with overconfidence)'' Just gimme the co-ordinates. I'll open a portal and boom-tube in. 
:'''Batman''': You can't. I reverse-engineered your armor's Mother Box technology.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(jokingly)''Try teleportin' into the Batcave. 'stead of boom, you'll go splat! ''(Kara behind her giggles.)''
:'''Cyborg''': So... how do we get in?
:'''Catwoman''': The old underground. There's a tunnel entrance under Arkham. 
:'''Cyborg''': I'm taking you two to Arkham Asylum?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Blows a bubblegum)'' Promise it won't be awkward or nothin'. ''(Kara smiles.)''
:'''Superman''': I need a few hours in the solarium at the Fortress of Solitude. ''(to Batman)'' Assuming you haven't torn it down.
:'''Batman''': Not yet. 
:'''Superman''': Damian. Adam. You're with me. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And the rest of us? We can't just sit here. 
:'''Batman''': We plan our attack. Once Brother Eye's online, we mobilize. ''(Batman gets up and reminds everyone of something.)'' Remember. Out there, there's no Regime. Not anymore. So we do. Not. Kill. ''(After a brief pause...)'' Let's go. ''(Everybody gets up and leaves.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(looking at Supergirl)'' You're with me. ''(She takes Supergirl along. Everyone leaves, while Batman and Superman stand opposite each other near the table. Superman looks at the table and questions Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': Why'd you keep it? 
:'''Batman''': Keep what? ''(Superman pulls the table cloth. Under it was the symbol of the Justice League. It had a crack in it, symbolizing that Justice League was no more.)'' ''(Looking at it and realising)'' Hm. Forgot that was there. ''(and Batman walks away.)''

====''Chapter 7: Cyborg and Catwoman''====

''[A windy day. Cyborg gets the co-ordinates of Arkham Asylum and uses his boom-tube to teleport to the entrance, along with Harley Quinn and Catwoman. All three of them enter the Arkham Asylum.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(leading the team)'' This way! ''(Suddenly, toxic gases called pheromones are released. Harley starts to suffocate.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Pheromones? ''(Cyborg uses his sonic vacuum to clear all that gas.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Seeing Harley cough)'' Harley? You okay? ''(She continues coughing and almost faints. From behind, Poison Ivy gets hold of Harley.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(Running her palm on Harley's chin)'' Sweet, sweet Harley. This time you'll be a good girl for Mama... ''(and Harley Quinn is controlled by Ivy. She is now Ivy's pawn.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(In a villainous tone)'' Hey, kiddies! Let's play &quot;Eeny Meeny Miney... MURDER!&quot; ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Harley needs a girl talk. ''(Cyborg leaves to fight Ivy.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hissss! Cat fight! ''(She points her gun on Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Getting hold of her bull-whip)'' Sorry, Harley. I'll try not to leave a scar. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)'' Ivy sure did a number on you... ''(Cyborg falls from air after being tossed by Ivy. Cyborg gets up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Your girlfriend's a real man-eater. ''(Poison Ivy lands down in her extended roots.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Arkham gave us so many memories, Selina (a.k.a Catwoman) ''(after a pause)'' Bewitching guards, late night poker... mandatory shock therapy... ''(Catwoman gives her a stare)'' Oh, that's right. You were spared. Thanks to your billionaire boy-toy.
:'''Catwoman''': I didn't ask for special treatment.
:'''Cyborg''': To hell with his pity party. 
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're just dying to hurt me, aren't you, Tin-Man? It won't bring back what you lost. Especially below the waist... ''(Cyborg gets provoked. He goes to hit her, but stopped by Catwoman. Harley slowly starts to go in shock.)'' Poor Harley smelled the wrong roses and now she's going into shock. Bye bye, Baby Doll. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Keep her alive. This is personal. ''(Cyborg leaves to look after Harley.)'' ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Harley was your friend, Pamela. She loved you! 
:'''Poison Ivy''': I've no more friends, Selina. All I've is the Green. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)''
:'''Catwoman''': So much for the Gotham City Sirens. ''(She approaches Harley. She checks her pulse, and figures out she's still alive, but in a cardiac arrest. To Cyborg)'' You got a defibrillator in there?
:'''Cyborg''': Yeah, but--
:'''Catwoman''': Use it! ''(Cyborg transforms his arms into defibrillator and gives subsequent jolts on Harley to cure her cardiac arrest.)'' Harley?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(gaining consciousness)'' Again... Again... 
''[Scene cuts. Catwoman, Harley and Cyborg walk in the Gotham Underground Railway lines towards the Batcave. On their way...]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': You think we'll find Dinah and Ollie once we get to Brainiac? 
:'''Cyborg''': Seriously? They're already dead.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Why you gotta say that?!
:'''Cyborg''': Brainiac collects the best and discards the rest. Black Canary and Arrow? Definitely not the best. ''(Harley stops walking for a while, sees Cyborg and Catwoman move ahead.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' I'd take them over you any day, Victor. ''(Harley runs and joins them.)'' Here we are. ''(They come in front of a wall, which is the entrance to the Underground subway leading to the Batcave. Harley and Catwoman search for the hidden button to press open the wall, with the help of Cyborg's flash light. They both figure it out and press the buttons together. The wall deforms itself, and opens like a gate.)'' ''(To Harley)'' Wait here, Harley. Make sure no one follows us. ''(Along with Cyborg, Catwoman heads further into the subway towards the Batcave, leaving Harley behind as a guard.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(mockingly to Harley)'' After you, please. 
''[Having almost nearing the Batcave entrance, Cyborg and Catwoman are suspicious of the silence in that place.)''
:'''Catwoman''': It's too quiet. ''(Cyborg uses his computerized radar to detect the existence of any other humans near them. He finds two of them.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Bogeys. And they're not bats... ''(Two bullets are fired at them, but is successfully shielded by Cyborg. The gunshots were from Dead-shot's gun, who is accompanied by Bane. Yes, the two bogeys detected by Cyborg were Dead-shot and Bane. Bane and Dead-shot approach them.)''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Catwoman)'' I told Grodd you were loyal to the Bat. He called me &quot;paranoid.&quot; At least he listened when I said Batman would not relinquish his Cave so easily. Soon, not just this place, but all of Gotham will be mine. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]''
:''[Dead-shot fires again at Catwoman, but is shielded. Both Catwoman and Dead-shot leave Cyborg and Bane to fight.]''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Cyborg... my old Comrade.
:'''Cyborg''': I was never down with Superman recruiting criminals to the Regime. That was his call.
:'''Bane''': We're both considered criminals now. So ask yourself... what is the difference between us? ''(Both of them fight. Cyborg wins.)''
:'''Cyborg''': The difference between us? I'm still standing. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(To Cyborg)'' Ready to meet Brother Eye? 
:'''Cyborg''': About damn time. ''(They enter the Batcave, and approach Brother Eye.)'' System's still running. Brother Eye needs a clean power source... something Brainiac can't touch. 
:'''Catwoman''': The cave's got backup generators. 
:'''Cyborg''': That should do it. ''(The screens undergo change, as Brainiac who is now in control of Brother Eye, appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor Stone. The pinnacle of human evolution... 
:'''Catwoman''': Someone has a secret admirer. (referring &quot;Someone&quot; as Cyborg.)
:'''Brainiac''': But your humanity inhibits your true potential. You must purge it. 
:'''Cyborg''': Interesting thought. Just one problem--I'm a team player. And humanity? That's my team. 
:'''Brainiac''': But you're capable of so much more. ''(Brainiac sends purple rays through the screens at Cyborg, creating a prototype Cyborg named &quot;Grid&quot;, an evil version of the true Cyborg.)''
:'''Grid''': Grid online. ''(to Cyborg)'' I'm your vast memory and intellect, liberated from the weaknesses of flesh and emotion.
:'''Cyborg''': Apparently liberated from my good looks and charm, too. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]'' ''(to Catwoman)'' We need that backup power. Now. ''(to Grid)'' So, uh, 'Grid.' This mirror match is as weird for you as it is for me? 
:'''Grid''': For years I dwelled as a subroutine within your system. An anomaly. I never fashioned an existence outside you. Now, I realize my perfection. And your obsolescence. ''(Cyborg and Grid fight. Cyborg wins.)'' 
:'''Cyborg''': Not so perfect, after all. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Catwoman''': Backup power's on. 
:'''Cyborg''': Let's get this party started. ''(Cyborg gets on work with the Brother Eye's control keypad, trying to create a firewall between Brother Eye and Brainiac's neural network.)''
:'''Brainiac''': No human--not even you--can gain control of my neural network. 
:'''Cyborg''': Not trying to. Just teaching Brother Eye to ignore you. 
:'''Brainiac''': This minor success--vrt--will not--vrt--save you--vrt-- ''(The firewall is successfully created. Brother Eye ignores control by Brainiac's neural network and comes back online, working as normal as before.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': The Brother Eye is online.
:'''Catwoman''': Welcome back.
:'''BROTHER EYE''': ''(recognizing Catwoman)'' Thank you, Ms. Kyle. ''(The alarms start ringing, initiating defense systems, indicating Cyborg's presence as an intruder, while he's not.)'' Warning! Victor Stone has infiltrated the BatCave! Deploying countermeasures! ''(Brother Eye was about to deploy missiles on Cyborg, but is stopped by Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Defense system override. Authorization LK-4D4!
:'''BROTHER EYE''': System administrator Selina Kyle. Retinal verification required. ''(Brother Eye takes Selina's bio-metrics before following the override command from Catwoman. The verification matches and defense system retreat back.)'' Identity confirmed. Standing down.
:'''Catwoman''': Brother Eye, bring geo-sync comms online. ''(It does so and restores communications with Batman and all the superheroes. Through Brother Eye, Catwoman to Batman)'' Bruce, the comms are yours. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman is flying in his Bat-plane, while he receives Catwoman's message.]''
:'''Batman''': Copy. Brother Eye, broadcast on the old Justice League band. 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Broadcasting. ''(Brother Eye does so and connects all the members of Justice League in conference communication.)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(Communicates to everyone.)'' We're back online everyone. We have one hour to evacuate the civilians before we engage Brainiac and the fleet.

====''Chapter 8: Wonder Woman''====


''[Wonder Woman and Supergirl fly around Metropolis to begin the evacuation of civilians. They both reach on top of a building, right in front of the skull ship and have a talk...]''
:'''Supergirl''': Where should we start? ''(Wonder Woman is lost in a thought.)'' ''(to Wonder Woman) Diana! We don't have much time...
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(interrupting Supergirl)'' Batman's strategy is all wrong. Delaying our offensive is pointless. It's one less hour before Brainiac sends us all to Hades. Saving these people could doom millions more!
:'''Supergirl''': I can hear the people down there. All of them. They're afraid, like I was on Krypton, when I didn't have these powers. And I look at us and I just think... We can give them hope. ''(Down in the streets, Brainiac's robots take in civilians as hostages, even policemen. Wonder Woman and Supergirl pick one such robot in air.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to other robots)'' Up here. ''(All of them look at Wonder Woman and Supergirl with the robot. Wonder Woman smashes the Robot with her hands. The other robots attack them. Wonder Woman and Supergirl get on the ground and fight these robots, taking all of them down.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Why are they so afraid of us? ''(A laser gunshot hits Supergirl. It was Cheetah who had shot her.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva...
:'''Cheetah''': Welcome back, Diana. ''(Cheetah also shoots at Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman falls way back, breaking the walls, into a salon. The bartender points a shotgun at Wonder Woman in self defense. From the entrance of the salon, Captain Cold breaks the door with his cold gun. Reverse-Flash attacks Wonder Woman at lightning speed, punching her at different angles. Captain Cold enters in.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Your heart's so cold, Wonder Woman. Let's put you on ice. ''(Reverse-Flash joins him. Captain Cold fires a beam of ice from his gun, only for Wonder Woman to perform a rope-a-dope and freezes Reverse-Flash.)'' Nice rope-a-dope. ''(Captain Cold approaches Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Give up your code of honor, Snart? Why lower yourself to work with Grodd? 
:'''Captain Cold''': You're not so pure, Amazon. You--you executed &quot;Golden Glider.&quot; She... was my sister.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A sister you led into a life of crime. She paid for your mistakes. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' My condolences. ''(She looks at Reverse-Flash, as he vibrates at super-speed to release himself from the state of frost.)'' ''(looking at &amp; going towards Reverse-Flash)'' Eobard Thawne, right? Barry said you're some kind of time traveler. 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Yeah. And let me tell you about the future. You think you're immortal. But in my time, Diana... you're quite dead. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': An oracle you are not. ''(Something happens around Diana. She then sees Superman, coming towards her.)''
:'''Superman''': Diana, you're safe! Thank Rao. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(moving towards Superman)'' We've to find Kara, she's-- ''(Superman interrupts her.)''
:'''Superman''': We will. ''(Superman gently holds Wonder Woman, in a romantic gesture.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Clark, we don't have time for--
:'''Superman''': ''(Running his hand on her cheek)'' Please. I've missed you. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(in a soft voice)'' We can beat them, Kal. Brainiac, Batman, they both go down today.
:'''Superman''': And we'll rule, side by side, as equals. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And lovers. ''(And both are about to kiss each other, when Superman hurts Wonder Woman with his heat vision. Wonder Woman falls way back and is in shock of such a gesture. She is suspicious of his identity.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I turned to you when Lois died. You took advantage. ''(Wonder Woman gets up.)'' Manipulated my grief... ''(he forcefully holds her and knocks her to a wall.)'' Turned me into someone, I wasn't meant to be! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's not true. My love made you stronger. 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you tell yourself? ''(Wonder Woman stabs him with her sword, realising he was not Superman, but Scarecrow, in Superman's disguise.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's what Superman told me, Scarecrow. ''(She gets up from that hallucination from the fear gas released on her by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(in his human form)'' Hehehaha. You're not afraid of Superman, you're afraid you corrupted him. Brave hero. Your worst fear is becoming the villain of the story. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(taking her sword out)'' To Hades with your mind games.  
:'''Scarecrow''': Classic anger displacement. ''(Releasing more of that toxin and taking his true form)'' We should continue your therapy... ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This therapy session's over. ''(Taking back his human form, he tries to release that toxin on Wonder Woman but is stopped by her.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, in front of statue of &quot;Justice Society of America&quot;, Supergirl tries to recover herself. Cheetah arrives behind her.]''
:'''Cheetah''': ''(Seeing Supergirl lying weak)'' Girl of Steel. You are a rare, rare find. No wonder Brainiac wants you... Dead or alive. ''(Cheetah places her claws on Supergirl's face and imprints a scratch on her.)'' Kryptonians are vulnerable to magic... and these claws cut... like magic... ''(She grabs Supergirl forcefully at her hip. Blood oozes out from Kara as she screams in pain. Wonder Woman flies to Supergirl and attacks Cheetah from behind.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Hang in there, Kara. The Gods will protect us. ''(She goes towards Cheetah.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Grrrr... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva! I'm surprised someone so feral still follows Grodd's orders. 
:'''Cheetah''': No, Princess. I only joined Grodd to draw out my own quarry... You. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': A fool's errand. Like when you sought a God's power, but found the Cheetah's curse.
:'''Cheetah''': More like the Cheetah's gift. I'm stronger, faster--and thirsty. So thirsty... for Amazon blood! ''(Cheetah and Wonder Woman fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You want blood?! Your curse can never be undone. This is the peace you deserve. ''(Wonder Woman picks Cheetah in air and is about to kill her. Supergirl slowly regains consciousness, when Harley Quinn arrives at the scene.)''    
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Y'all right, Blondie? ''(She picks her up.)'' Sit tight... ''(Wonder Woman gets her sword to Cheetah's neck, but is shot at hand by Harley, dropping the sword.)'' She's had enough, Wonder Bread.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This isn't your business, Clown.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(pointing both her guns at Wonder Woman)'' You heard Bats. No killing. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You lecture me? How much blood is on your ledger, Quinn? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, buckets full, honey. I was tryin' too hard to impress the wrong guy. Kinda like you with Superman. ''(Wonder Woman gets really angry hearing those words. She drops Cheetah, lifts her sword and runs towards Harley. Harley begins the gunfire, with each bullet being blocked by Wonder Woman and is stabbed by Wonder Woman with her sword.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(seeing Harley stabbed)'' No! ''(Wonder Woman drops Harley, while Supergirl gives Wonder Woman a flying kick, knocking her far, far away. She then goes towards Harley, who's losing a lot of blood.)'' You're losing too much blood. This is gonna hurt. A lot. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in pain)'' Heh... Even better... ''(Supergirl user her heat vision to heal the wound temporarily.)''

====''Chapter 9: Supergirl''====


''[In continuation to Wonder Woman's story... Wonder Woman comes back to the scene.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What do you think you're doing, Kara?
:'''Supergirl''': Stopping you before you make a mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That lunatic deserves to die.
:'''Supergirl''': Maybe. But she's defenseless. She's had no trial... You told me Amazons fought with honor. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)'' I trusted you, Diana.

Story clash quotes 4.

Supergirl: you lied to me, diana!

Wonder woman: it doesn't end this way, kara!

Supergirl: there's no crown for you to wear!

Wonder woman: you can have it!

Wonder woman: i didn't lie to you, kara!

Supergirl: no. You and black adam did.

Wonder woman: Don't you remember anything kara?! Why would you turn your back against kal?! Why would you turn your back against me?!

Supergirl: Amazons deserve better than you!

(goes to Harley Quinn and picks her up.)'' You're gonna be okay. ''(She lifts her and flies to meet Superman.)'' ''(to Harley)'' I'll get you to a doctor. Kal can protect you. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Superman?! ''(she chuckles)'' Oh, Blondie. Yer funny! 
''[Scene cuts. In the Solarium in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman, Black Adam and Damian Wayne(a.k.a Nightwing) have a conversation.]''
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam and Nightwing)'' Did you find anything? 
:'''Nightwing''': I analysed the Kryptonian data, like you asked. You didn't miss anything. They just didn't have an answer for Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': There has to be something. A blind spot, a weakness. Brute force won't be enough.
:'''Black Adam''': If your powers are restored, I should leave for Kahndaq, make sure its defenses are prepared. 
:'''Superman''': Brainiac hasn't attacked it yet?
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity's magic hides Kahndaq from prying eyes--even Brainiac's. But I don't expect him to be fooled forever. ''(Supergirl arrives at the Fortress of Solitude.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, we need to talk. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Adam and Damian)'' Give me a minute, both of you. ''(Damian and Adam leave.)'' Damian told me what happened, is Diana all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': She's fine. But she was gonna kill Harley. I've never seen her so cold-blooded... 
:'''Superman''': Yes, it's unfortunate... 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(interrupting him)'' I know. What was she thinking? 
:'''Superman''': ''(completing his sentence)'' It's unfortunate Diana chose now to deal with Harley. More unfortunate that you got in the way. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised after hearing these words from Kal)'' What?
:'''Superman''': The Joker sickened Harley's mind beyond healing. When she relapses, innocent people will die. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(not yet out of shock hearing from Kal)'' Innocent people are dying now. She was helping us! 
:'''Superman''': Don't be naive, Kara. Harley's a criminal. My only mistake was not dealing with her sooner. ''(Superman turns his back at Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Diana said the Joker was executed. Were you the one who...?
:'''Superman''': ''(justifying his mistake)'' I took one life to save millions.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(getting closer to Kal)'' But it wasn't just one, Kal, was it? How many? ''(Superman turns his back again, but Kara turns him to face her.)'' How many?! ''(in grief touching the symbol of House of El)'' Everywhere I go, people are afraid of this... now I know why. ''(She retreats her hand, feeling ashamed of Superman)''
:'''Superman''': ''(Tries to explain his point to Kara)'' It's not how I wanted things. But humans... they've been slaughtering each other for millennia. I stopped that violence. Humans need strong leadership. We have to save them from themselves.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in utter shock)'' Whose son are you? Jor-El's? or General Zod's? ''(She flies away from Superman, dejected of his attitude)''
:'''Superman''': ''(trying to stop her)'' Kara! ''(Announces in the fortress)'' Don't let Kara leave the fortress! ''(Nightwing comes in her way, stopping her from leaving.)''
:'''Nightwing''': Hold on, Kara.
:'''Supergirl''': I'm realizing maybe your father locked you up for good reason... 
:'''Nightwing''': Superman's been more of a father, than Batman could ever be. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal should be setting a better example. ''(She continues to fly, trying to leave the fortress...)''
:'''Black Adam''': Shazam! ''(This time, Black Adam tries stopping Supergirl. Supergirl is tossed on the ground by his magic. She gets up and faces him.)'' You'll submit, Kara Zor-El. ''(More of his magic thunder bolt jolts her.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Adam)'' Ever since you found me, everything you told me... Half-truths. Lies. To cover up your own evil... 
:'''Black Adam''': You see the world as a child does. &quot;Good&quot; and &quot;evil&quot; are not constants. Their meaning's defined by those with power. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Lucky for you. I find power in restraint. ''(Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Kara, please. ''(hovers towards Kara)'' Listen to me. With our powers, we can't hold back, or the ones we love... pay the price...
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in regret)'' I'm sorry I wasn't here. That I couldn't help you. But Metropolis wasn't your fault. 
:'''Superman''': I promised myself. Never again. 
:'''Supergirl''': This isn't who we are. The House of El isn't ruled by fear. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Tired of making Kara understand)'' Hope isn't enough to save the world. Without me, they'd be dead! ''(Superman and Supergirl fight. Supergirl wins.)''   
:'''Supergirl''': I can help you... ''(Black Adam and Nightwing also arrive in the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about all you've lost, Kara. What if you could've saved Krypton? 
:'''Supergirl''': I think about it everyday. 
:'''Superman''': Then stand with me. ''(A huge noise of the Brainiac's betas are being heard.)'' 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(reacting to the sound)'' It's Brainiac... He's extracting the cities early! 
:'''Black Adam''': Then we fight back. I must go to protect Kahndaq. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam)'' Go. ''(to everyone)'' We're heading to Metropolis. 
:'''Nightwing''': What about her? 
:'''Superman''': All that matters now is stopping Brainiac. ''(to Kara)'' But when this is over, you need to choose. You're either with me... or against me.
''[Scene cuts. Brainiac's skull ship shadows Metropolis. He slowly starts extracting it, by absorbing buildings. Seeing all the cars torn apart, street lights fallen, roads with cracks, civilians hurt and dead, Dr. Kent with his helm in his hand, is just helpless but to witness all of these. He sees the skull ship performing the extraction.]''
:'''Civilian''': ''(wounded; to Dr.Kent)'' Help... help me! ''(He extends his hand to help...)''
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': No! ''(warning Dr. Kent of changing yet another fate.)''
:'''Civilian''': Please... ''(and she breathes her last.)'' 
:'''Dr.Kent''': ''(Helpless)'' Why can't I stop this? ''(to the Helm)'' Why won't you let me fight back? How can there be order if Brainiac wins?!
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': Humanity breeds Chaos. Brainiac is Order.
''[Scene cuts. Batman and Catwoman fly in the Batplane, heading towards Brainiac's skull ship.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Batman)'' Superman and Supergirl are almost here. The others are tackling the feet. Shouldn't we be in Gotham? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac controls the entire fleet from that Skull Ship. Take him down, take them all down.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(looking at the monitor for any danger)'' Contacts! Dead ahead! ''(The skull ship sends automated fighter jets and are heading towards the Bat-plane, but are cleared by Superman and Supergirl using heat vision. Catwoman detects something from the Bat-plane's monitor.)'' They gave us an opening. ''(The Bat-plane is now directed towards that opening.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Locking on that Skull Ship. ''(He locks the target and sends three rockets, hitting the Skull Ship.)'' ''(From inside the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(looking at all damage being taken by his ship)'' Shields. ''(Brainiac enables strong shields around his ship and sends strong forces around a bigger radius of impact at objects. One such object was the Bat-plane, which degravitates and falls.)''  
:'''Catwoman''': Five seconds to impact...
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject... ''(bat-plane keeps dropping faster.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Three seconds! ''(just then, Superman comes to its rescue, holding and straightening the Bat-plane.)''
:'''Superman''': You're welcome! ''(to Batman)'' What just happened? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's force shield is creating a concussive feedback loop. 
:'''Superman''': So the harder we hit it, the harder it hits back... ''(He then realizes Kara heading to hit the Skull Ship. She is unaware of that force shield's effect.)'' Kara! ''(Kara hits it and has a concussion, binding her to the force shield. Superman goes to rescue her, but is also victimized by that effect. The effect then creates a break, jolting and tossing both Superman and Supergirl far away. They both are weak and incapacitated.)'' ''(Seeing this from the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonians are incapacitated. ''(command to the betas and his own ship.)'' Complete the extraction. ''(Metropolis faces this devastation a second time, as we see the Daily Planet building gets extracted, followed by other towers and apartments. Brainiac feels delighted.)'' ''(Miles away in another land, Superman and Supergirl lie unconscious. Superman regains consciousness. He figures out Kara to be alive through X-Ry vision. Superman heads towards the Skull Ship and sees his annihilated city for the second time, a depressing sight.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(Emotionally hurt and filled with rage)'' Noooo! ''(He hits the Skull Ship subsequently, many times.)'' ''(From the Bat-plane...)''
:'''Batman''': Superman! The force shield concentrates its energy at your point of attack. Move faster than it can, and you might break through!
:'''Superman''': Got it. ''(Superman attacks at that point at super-speed. He increases his speed every time he attacks the ship at different places, almost shaking the ship and continues giving harder blows.)'' ''(Inside the Skull Ship, Brainiac sees it all.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Creative, but insufficient. ''(Command to his ship)'' Decrease shield refresh interval to ten picoseconds. 
''[At the next attack of Superman, he gets a concussion effect as experienced before and is knocked down, falling in air to the ground. The Skull Ship faces Superman, who gets up from that knock. The strong tendrils of the Skull Ship weakens Superman and is now trying to absorb him into the Ship. It creates a huge explosion, lightly tossing the Bat-plane and Supergirl who was heading towards Kal-El]''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Seeing Kal nowhere in sight; worried)'' Kal... ''(Supergirl hurries down to the place if Kal exists in that thick cloud of smoke.)''
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl sits worried and dejected that she couldn't protect Kal. The Bat-plane also lands at that site of extraction, from Batman and Catwoman approach Supergirl to console her. The Flash also arrives at the scene.]''
:'''Supergirl''': I couldn't find his body. Can't hear his heartbeat. ''(Sad and tensed)'' I was supposed to protect him. From this. From you. (referring to Batman) And now he's gone. I'm sure that's the best news you've heard all day.
:'''Batman''': ''(emotional)'' I'll miss him, too.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised)'' You mean that?
:'''Batman''': He was a good friend, once. I trusted him with my life. But the Joker got to him... and I wasn't there to stop it. I lost my friend Clark. And I've missed him ever since. ''(Cyborg, along with Green Lantern and Aquaman, teleport and arrive to the site of extraction and join Batman.)'' ''(to Aquaman)'' Atlantis? 
:'''Aquaman''': Gone. I didn't listen. Now, we all die together. 
:'''Batman''': No one's giving up yet. ''(to everyone)'' Anyone here from Beetle or Firestorm? ''(Wonder Woman and Black Adam arrives at the scene, accusing Batman)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is your fault, Bruce! ''(pointing at him.)'' Kal and I would've beaten Brainiac! You should've followed our lead! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(angered; pushing Wonder Woman back with her hand)'' Stop it, Diana! Millions of people are trapped on that ship. We have to save them! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not with him. ''(Observing this quarrel, Brainiac arrives in the form of a hologram and talks to them.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Such discord. No wonder humans have yet to expand their civilization beyond the confines of this tiny planet. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Did you call in just to gloat? 
:'''Brainiac''': My betas are taking position all across your planet. In one hour, they'll explode in unison, burning the Earth's atmosphere. Rendering this world a barren moon. Unless... you surrender Kara Zor-El. She is Krypton's sole survivor--and my last opportunity to study the effect of yellow sun on Kryptonian cells. Surrender her, and I will spare this world.
:'''Batman''': Even if I thought you'd honor that deal, we wouldn't take it. ''(shielding Supergirl)''
:'''Brainiac''': You've one hour to reconsider. ''(and Brainiac leaves.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Batman)'' Thanks for giving the new girl a chance, but... Maybe I should go.
:'''Batman''': ''(with confidence)'' No. We'll find a way to take down Brainiac's shields. We have to. 
:'''Cyborg''': We could try shorting them out. But we'd need to generate an insane amount of power... 
:'''Black Adam''': Perhaps science is not the answer. 
:'''Batman''': ''(approaching Black Adam)'' So he might be vulnerable to a magic-based attack. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(explaining his idea)'' I can drive the immense magical power from the Rock of Eternity through the gateway in Kahndaq. But I need an artifact, a medium to channel it. Something that can withstand the power... 
:'''Aquaman''': How about the Trident of Atlantis? ''(thumping it with a majestic sound.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Yes... that could work. 
:'''Catwoman''': We get the shields down, then what? Cyborg said Brainiac controls the ship with his thoughts. 
:'''Cyborg''': But I did cut him off from Brother Eye. It's possible I could make a signal disruptor that blocks his neural network. If you get Brainiac's shields down, we can disarm those Beta bombs.
:'''Batman''': Then that's our plan. Aquaman, Adam. Get to Kahndaq.

====''Chapter 10: Aquaman and Black Adam''====


''[In the northern part of Africa, amidst pyramids is the hidden magical land of Kahndaq. Black Adam and Aquaman reach Kahndaq to execute their first part of the major plan. Both of them walk towards the Rock of Eternity, the rock bestowing all magical powers and the reason behind Kahndaq not being exposed to Brainiac.]''
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity is hidden in a pocket dimension. I've refrained from the opening the gateway to it since Brainiac's invasion.
:'''Aquaman''': Because it would draw his eye?
:'''Black Adam''': Precisely. Once the door is open, it's only a matter of time before Brainiac attacks. 
:'''Aquaman''': A fight I'll look forward to. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(enunciating the magic phrase)'' Ancient ones, unveil the golden path to me. ''(Adam gains electric thunders, i.e, increases his power, as he continues)'' In your names... Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, Mehen... ''(A beam of thunder from the Gods fall upon Black Adam as he energizes and opens the door to Rock of Eternity.)'' ''(In Brainiac's Skull Ship, a red dot blinks in Africa as Kahndaq's anonymity is unveiled to Brainiac.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Black Adam has revealed Kahndaq's power--and its location. ''(to Grodd)'' The Society will obtain a sample of the Rock of Eternity for me. I wish to study Earth's so-called magic.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The Society is disbanded. They thought Earth would be theirs to conquer, not yours to destroy. 
:'''Brainiac''': And you, Grodd? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Earth can go to hell. I serve Brainiac. 
:'''Brainiac''': As you should. I'll give you new soldiers. Bring me that sample before the Earth is destroyed, and your loyalty will be rewarded. ''(Grodd bows in front of him, and leaves with his soldiers.)'' ''(In Kahndaq, Black Adam opens the gateway and is about to go inside with Aquaman)''
:'''Black Adam''': Let's work quickly. ''(From behind them, Green Arrow, Black Canary and a few Gorilla soldiers stop them. Arrow and Canary are in influence by Grodd, thus being controlled by his powers.)''
:'''Arrow and Canary''': ''(together)'' Don't bother. There's no time left. ''(they move towards Black Adam and Aquaman to fight. Black Adam temporarily closes the gateway.)''
:'''Black Canary''': An Extractor ship is on its way. Kahndaq will be Brainiac's. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]'' ''(Adam leaves.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Using pawns, Grodd? ''(Black Adam tackles Arrow and Grodd's soldiers, leaving Canary and Aquaman to fight.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Pawns can achieve great victories. If you're willing to sacrifice them. ''(Both of them fight. Aquaman wins.)''
:'''Aquaman''': This King isn't easily captured. ''(Aquaman runs to face Green Arrow. As Canary said, an Extractor ship made it to Kahndaq and had begun its extraction, firing Brainiac's Robots too.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Here comes the cavalry. Fitting that you two die together. The last of mankind's monarchs. 
:'''Aquaman''': What kind of ruler sacrifices his own people for Brainiac? 
:'''Green Arrow''': My loyalty isn't to Brainiac or Gorilla City. It's to myself. I'll wait until that alien exposes his weakness and kill him. With his ship, I will be unstoppable... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]''
:'''Black Adam''': I've had my fill of Grodd's charade. ''(Aquaman leaves Adam and Arrow alone to fight.)'' Your hubris will be your undoing. 
:'''Green Arrow''': It isn't hubris... when one is truly exceptional. ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Exceptional is not the word I'd use. ''(Aquaman and Adam go towards the Rock of Eternity and Adam through his magic, opens the gateway again. Aquaman suddenly turns back to see Blue Beetle arrive at the scene.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Blue Beetle! We thought you were dead. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab's hard to kill. Batman told me you guys needed a hand. Consider me your sidekick. ''(Aquaman and Adam accept.)''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Come along. ''(The three of them enter the gateway, leading them to the eternal Rock, in the shape of a monarch's throne. The royal room was pretty old, with statues dusted and rusted.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Adam)'' How does this work, exactly?
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Aquaman)'' We imbue your trident with the spark of the Rock's power. When its full might is released, it will seek out your weapon. Your thoughts will guide the wizard's power to its final target. ''(Black Adam sits on it to harness its power.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I am ready. ''(Aquaman hands over his trident to Black Adam, so that Adam could imbue the Rock's power. Adam is about to do so, but to his surprise, Blue Beetle shoots at him with his cannon. Aquaman and Adam then realize Blue Beetle was not sent by Batman, but by Grodd under his mind control, similar to Arrow and Canary.)'' ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Beetle, what are you doing?!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': My bidding! ''(from behind, Grodd arrives.)''
:'''Black Adam''': A sleeper agent, to lead you here. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Despite the power of the Scarab, the boy was easily manipulated. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Now, Jaime--kill them. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': This armor is wasted on a child. When we're finished, I'll tear the Scarab from his body... And make its powers my own! ''(Blue Beetle and Aquaman fight. BAquaman wins.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Don't get ahead of yourself. ''(Black Adam tackles Gorilla Grodd with their magic and telepathic powers respectively, while Aquaman joins Adam. Both assault each other. Grodd comes closer to them...)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Look at us. Three kings... 
:'''Aquaman''': A king, Grodd? You're a brute. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Grodd)'' A true leader serves his people. You only serve yourself.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Be that as it may. I will be the only one who leaves this cave. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]'' ''(Using his magic thunder from the Gods, Adam assaults at Grodd but his telekinetic powers resist it and releases that thunder attack on Aquaman, tossing him far behind. to Adam...)'' You'd have been a valuable contributor to my Society. 
:'''Black Adam''': My knee bends to no one! ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)'' Now, Grodd. Your punishment. ''(Aquaman arrives at the scene. He turns the defeated Grodd lying face up.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(looking at Aquaman and Adam)'' Stupid... humans... ''(Aquaman thrusts his trident sideways into Gorilla Grodd's body.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Grodd)'' The people of Atlantis demand justice.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Against Brainiac? Hehe. I've seen his mind, felt his power... He can't be stopped... 
:'''Aquaman''': But you can. ''(Aquaman lifts his Trident of Atlantis and thrusts with full might into Gorilla Grodd's chest, killing Grodd.)''
''[Scene cuts. Outside in Kahndaq, lying fainted was Black Canary and Green Arrow. As Grodd is dead, his mind control over Canary and Arrow is removed and they regain senses.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Arrow)'' How's your head?
:'''Green Arrow''': Empty. 
:'''Black Canary''': So not much has changed. ''(Aquaman arrives from the gateway.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Canary! Arrow! out of the way! ''(Aquaman takes position, a little far, in front of the Rock of Eternity. He thumps the imbued Trident.)'' ''(At the cave, Black Adam harnesses the Rock's power to its full might.)''
:'''Black Adam''': SHAZAM! ''(He releases the power through the gateway seeking Aquaman's imbued Trident. Aquaman guides that Rock's power through the skies towards Brainiac's Skull ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. At the site of extraction, everyone eagerly waits the magic-based attack from Kahndaq. Batman also waits for Cyborg to bring the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(through Brother Eye comms.)'' Cyborg, where's that signal disruptor?
:'''Cyborg''': Comin' at you. ''(Cyborg teleports himself using boom-tubes and arrives with the signal disruptor. He hands it over to Batman.)'' ''(instructing Batman about the disruptor)'' All you've to do is hit the trigger. But it only jams a local area. You need to get within arm's reach of Brainiac.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(stretching her arms)'' Good. ''(From the skies, they hear thunderous sounds as the Rock's power reaches Metropolis and is deployed at Brainiac's Skull ship, bringing its shields down. Inside the Skull ship, things violently shake as the magical blow is felt heavy.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(using his intellect)'' They did it! Shields are down.
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Supergirl, on me. ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor, help the others fight those Betas. 
''[He starts his Bat-plane, heads towards the unprotected Skull ship along with Supergirl. He enters the Skull ship, but is shot by one of Brainiac's fighter jets. He crash lands his Bat-plane inside the Skull ship. A lot of Brainiac's robots approach Batman, only to be easily destroyed by Supergirl's heat vision. Supergirl joins him. He is being led towards Brainiac using the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' The signal gets stronger this way. ''(Supergirl stops. to Supergirl...)'' What is it?
:'''Supergirl''': ''(pointing at the worlds)'' Voices... Billions of them! ''(She stops because of those frantic cries of help she hears through super-hearing. The chamber of the captured worlds open.)'' ''(Supergirl super-hears those cries from different worlds. to Batman...)'' So many languages... The Kryptonians. ''(She heads towards the captured planet Krypton and sees her hometown.)'' Kandor... Argo City! Home... we have to help them. 
:'''Batman''': ''(touching it)'' I'm not sure we can. 
:'''Supergirl''': There has to be a way... ''(Behind Supergirl and Batman, many of Brainiac's tendrils get hold of both of them, as it entangles them all around. Brainiac's Robots approach the captured Batman. One of his tendrils scan Supergirl, verifying her identity. Brainiac arrives.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Kara Zor-El. Until recently, I had thought my collection of Krypton to be complete. Your capture will make it so. ''(Those tendrils pull her into a semi-permeable membrane of the ship and she disappears.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You've failed in every effort to oppose me. You are not exceptional. Merely an ordinary specimen of primitive species. ''(to his Robots)'' Dispose of him. 
''[Batman tries to free himself, but he can't. His robots point an arrow-like weapon towards Batman from their palm. The Robot releases that weapon... things go in slow motion as it approaches Batman. From behind, Superman, who was thought to be captured by Brainiac, destroys all the Robots and saves Batman from that weapon assault, making a heroic comeback entry. The tendrils tied to Batman lift him up, but Superman breaks those tendrils, releasing Batman. He falls but is saved by Superman. Both of them land on the surface of the ship.)''
:'''Batman''': And I thought I could make an entrance. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara? 
:'''Batman''': Captured. Somewhere onboard. ''(After a pause; to Superman)'' We'll find her. But we only have 20 minutes before Brainiac's Betas scorch the Earth. 
:'''Superman''': Why aren't the others here? 
:'''Batman''': They're attacking the Betas. Just in case we don't pull through. 
:'''Superman''': We will.

====''Chapter 11: Batman and Superman''====


''[In continuation to the previous story, Superman and Batman go through different paths to reach out Brainiac's command center. On their way, they're being stopped by Firestorm. He is a pawn of Brainiac, controlled by Brainiac's thoughts.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(surprised by his presence)'' Firestorm! What happened to you? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(in a different voice)'' Brainiac unified our dueling minds. No longer divided, we think as one... 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Batman)'' He's your walking bomb. How do we get past him? ''(Firestorm attacks on Batman and Superman, who dodge it. Superman goes to tackle Firestorm at super-speed but is caught by him. Swamp Thing, controlled by Brainiac, also arrives beating up Batman. Swampy and Firestorm toss Batman and Superman opposite each other, who collide and fall on the ground.)'' ''(surprised by Swampy's presence)'' Swamp Thing, too?! 
:'''Firestorm''': Brainiac has unlocked the Green's power. He has mastered the Firestorm Matrix. All knowledge will be subsumed under his collection. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Superman was chosen...]''
:'''Superman''': I've heard enough about Brainiac and his collection. ''(Batman leaves.)'' You talked a big game back at my cell. Let's see how you stack up. 
:'''Firestorm''': Your immense power is finite. The Firestorm Matrix has no limits. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)'' 
:'''Superman''': We just found your limit. ''(Meanwhile, Batman and Swamp Thing tackle each other, with Batman knocking him down. Superman arrives at the scene. Swamp Thing gets up with more strength, accompanied by few of Brainiac's robots.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You have a plan?
:'''Batman''': It's a work in progress. I might be able to restore them... ''(Superman hovers high and tackles the robots with his heat vision. The robots create a collaborative shield in self defense.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(seeing robots' shield)'' That's new. ''(Batman surpasses them and goes to engage Swamp Thing in a fight. Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's adapting. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Swamp Thing''': Adaptation is nature's way...
:'''Batman''': ''(to Superman)'' I can help him. Keep those Betas busy... ''(Superman leaves.)'' ''(to Swamp Thing)'' Swamp Thing, hear me, your power's being used against you! Against the Green!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Brainiac is now the Green's protector. It will live forever... preserved in his collection. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Now let's get you free. ''(Superman brings the defeated Firestorm's body and places it alongside the defeated Swamp Thing. Batman uses the signal disruptor on both of these bodies.)'' ''(to Superman about the signal disruptor)'' It should disrupt their link with Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': ''(using his X-ray vision on Firestorm)'' Firestorm's brain patterns are changing. But I can't read what's happening to Swamp Thing... 
:'''Batman''': ''(To Firestorm, whose link is now disrupted from Brainiac)'' Jason? Professor Stein? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(back to original existence)'' Yeah. Yeah, we're both here. ''(slowly getting up)'' What happened?  
:'''Batman''': Brainiac added a third mind to your head. 
:'''Firestorm''': Like we needed that. ''(Swamp Thing also recovers and gets up.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(back to original existence)'' What is this place?! 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's ship. Firestorm will get you back on terra firma. ''(instructing Firestorm)'' Report to Hal. He'll need help fighting Brainiac's suicide Betas. ''(Batman and Superman leave towards finding Brainiac.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Sounds like a job for Firestorm. Good luck! 
''[Both reach Brainiac's command center but can't find him]''
:'''Batman''': No Brainiac. Where is he?
:'''Superman''': I don't know. ''(He uses his super-vision to find behind those penetrable layers, but is unsuccessful.)'' The ship's walls are lined with lead (a demerit of Superman's super-vision). ''(Suddenly, a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, from which Doctor Fate come out.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': ''(looking at them)'' Bruce Wayne of Earth. Kal-El of Krypton. Your battles echo across the Universe. Your war has had consequences neither of you could foresee. The chaos you spread is a cancer upon the cosmos. Only Brainiac can establish order... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Batman''': So much for the magical advantage. ''(to Superman)'' I'll take care of this. 
:'''Superman''': I'll keep searching for Brainiac. ''(Superman leaves.)'' 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Brainiac will achieve what you could not. He will quell Gotham's chaos... But for him to succeed, you must die. ''(Batman and Doctor Fate fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': I don't answer to your Lords of Order. ''(Doctor Fate's Helm falls down. He is now Dr. Kent. Batman picks the Helm and hands it over to Superman. With his superhuman strength, Superman crushes the Helm, liberating the spirit and the powers bestowed in that Helm.)''
:'''Dr. Kent''': ''(grateful to Superman)'' The Lords of Order... Their voices are gone. 
:'''Batman''': It's over, Kent.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I'm sorry for attacking. The Helm commanded me. 
:'''Superman''': They can't command you anymore. 
:'''Dr. Kent''': Both of you have defied fate. Courted Chaos. ''(Superman picks up Kent to stand)'' But now... To see you working together again... you must keep order, or the Lords will impose it. If not through Brainiac, then-- ''(A tendril is thrusted into Kent's body by Brainiac, torturing him. He lifts Kent in air and captures Kent into his ship. From behind...)''
:'''Brainiac''': Even a magical being like Doctor Fate recognizes my superiority. In time, the entire Universe will adhere to my design.
:'''Batman''': Unless we stop you.
:'''Brainiac''': ''(slowly descends to the ship's surface)'' I offer nothing less than deliverance. Your environment is poisoned, your civilization has exhausted its resources. The Earth's decline cannot be reversed. 
:'''Batman''': We'll find a way.
:'''Superman''': We always do. ''(Both head for a combat with Brainiac. Brainiac knocks down Superman, then Batman. His tendrils once again entangles Batman, while Superman tries resisting it and is knocked far away. Brainiac strangles Batman with his tendrils and at its maximum, he tosses Batman down, falling far away. Superman tackles Brainiac with super-speed, only to be knocked by him again. Superman then gives Brainiac a fistful blow, knocking Brainiac down.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's time is up. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara?
:'''Brainiac''': Being vivisected. She has already taught me much about the nature of your powers. 
:'''Superman''': Allow me to give you a proper demonstration... 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Ready for battle)'' I match your strength. You cannot match my intellect. You are only a Kryptonian... of which I have killed Billions! ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 1: '''Superman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': That was for Krypton. ''(Batman arrives at the scene, seeing the defeated Brainiac lying down.)'' ''(to Batman)'' The attacks on the fleet are weakening him. I could feel him losing steam as we fought. 
:'''Batman''': Good. Should make it easier to cut him off from the Betas... ''(Batman uses the signal disruptor on Brainiac, weakening his powers to link with his ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl, who was captured by Brainiac in his ship unconscious, regains senses. She tries to free herself from the cuffs she's been tied to and a Robot approaches her to torture her, but suddenly breaks down and falls. All the cuffs get automatically untied, releasing Supergirl. Brainiac's fighter jets moving in air lose signal from Brainiac's thoughts and also fall apart. The Skull ship also starts to take a terrifying diset.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(Through Brother Eye comms.; to everyone)'' This is Batman. Brainiac is down... 
:'''Cyborg''': ''(in reply)'' The disruptor worked! All the Betas are shutting down! ''(Superman approaches near Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': We did it. Now we find Kara-- ''(the ship shakes)'' What's happening?!
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's mind is the ship's CPU. Apparently he doesn't have a backup system... ''(The Skull ship loses control and descends to Earth at an increasing speed. Batman and Superman lose stability to stand.)''
:'''Superman''': If we crash, all the cities preserved onboard--
:'''Batman''': Destroyed. ''(Superman then decides to sit on Brainiac's command center.)'' Clark, wait! 
:'''Superman''': You said yourself, this ship is controlled by pure thought.
:'''Batman''': This could kill you!
:'''Superman''': Sounds like a job for me... ''(He injects the tendrils into his brain and tries to stabilize the Ship with his thoughts. Like a burning meteor, the ship is just few seconds before crashing into Earth. Somehow successfully, Superman gets control of the ship and saves it before crashing. Batman thinks of an alternative to protect Superman from hurting himself.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(suggesting a solution)'' Create a bypass loop. Put the ship on autopilot!
:'''Superman''': ''(in stress)'' Hrnn! Trying! ''(Brainiac regains back consciousness.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(in anger)'' My ship... You will not destroy my collection. ''(and he knocks Batman down. Both of them tackle each other.)'' ''(to Superman)'' Relinquish my ship. ''(from behind, Kara weakens Brainiac again using her heat vision. Brainiac slowly gets up, but a little weak.)'' ''(to Supergirl)'' You will regret that. ''(He approaches Supergirl, extending his strong tendrils and is about to capture, but gets blurred by Batman's smoke grenade.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You are persistent, but primitive theatrics cannot save you. ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 2: '''Batman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Batman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Batman''': Like you said, I'm persistent. ''(He goes to Superman to check what's happening. Kara looks at both of them, who prevailed in stopping Brainiac.)'' ''(To Superman)'' We need to get you out of there!
:'''Superman''': ''(amidst all the stress controlling the Skull ship)'' Not. yet. The cities... ''(All of the cities collected by Brainiac are restored back on Earth. Batman and Supergirl look at one city still in Brainiac's ship. Green Lantern, The Flash and Wonder Woman join these three in the ship. Superman tries really hard to restore that one city back, but fails and instead, becomes weak and falls down.)'' ''(Supergirl and Wonder Woman go to check if Superman's okay)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're okay... ''(Aquaman and Black Adam also join the crew which succeeded this mission.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I thought it was too late, but... I can hear the heartbeat of Atlantis--Brainiac's work is undone!
:'''Superman''': ''(regaining senses)'' Not all of it... I couldn't save everyone.
:'''Batman''': Some cities are still trapped in the collection. Others were lost... wiped from the Ship's memory. Metropolis, Coast City...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(worried; in doubt)'' But--we can still save them, right? Carol? My family? 
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I'm sorry, Hal. ''(Wonder Woman and Supergirl help Superman to get up.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': First Krypton, now Earth. No other world should suffer this. ''(Superman walks towards the fallen Brainiac to kill him, but is stopped by Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Clark, no. [and HERE'S THE BEGINNING OF THE RIFT BETWEEN SUPERHEROES] ''(Superman gives a confused and a raging look at Batman for stopping him.)'' Even if I agreed that he should die, you can't. We need him alive to save the rest of our cities.
:'''Superman''': ''(in disagreement)'' No we don't. With more time and Cyborg's help, the Ship will obey me. 
:'''Batman''': Or we could lose more cities. ''(the argument heats up.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(in support of Batman)'' Bruce is right. We can't be sure. 
:'''Aquaman''': ''(against Flash)'' What we can be sure of is that Brainiac puts everyone else at risk. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is no different than Joker. If you'd killed him, we might-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': It was never that simple, Diana! 
:'''Superman''': Yes it is, Bruce. Metropolis and Coast City are gone. ''(Batman sneaks out a metal: Gold Kryptonite from his suit)'' How many more innocent people die before you accept that some lives need to be taken?! ''(and Batman scratches that weapon across Superman's chest, a quick incapacitation of Superman's powers, as he falls down weak. Everyone step back seeing this surprise assualt. Blood flows out from his chest.)'' My powers? How did you...?
:'''Batman''': ''(clarifying Superman)'' Gold Kryptonite. Courtesy of Firestorm. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Get up, Kal. ''(Batman surrounds Superman and warns him of any movement.)'' 
:'''Batman''': STAY DOWN! Enough exposure and you'll be de-powered permanently. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Slowly getting up.)'' This madness has to end, Bruce. ''(They face each other.)'' 
'''[CHOOSE YOUR SIDE...SUPERMAN or BATMAN]'''

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Power... if Superman was chosen''====


''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over. ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind to attack Batman, while Superman tackles Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Both try dropping each other and they fall with a bang!)''
:'''Superman''': ''(surprised by Green Lantern's oppression)'' How can you be against me on this? He took Coast City! 
:'''Green Lantern''': Rage... ''(as Hal feels controlled by some power... the Red Lantern's rage. Eyes turn red.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about Carol, Hal. Brainiac has to pay! 
:'''Green Lantern''': No, Clark. My rage won't bring Carol back. Just like yours couldn't bring back Lois. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': You shouldn't have come back, Hal.
''[Back in Brainiac's ship, Aquaman tackles Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail.]''
:'''Batman''': I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! ''(Outside, Superman continues his raging punches on Green Lantern, until he finally twists Lantern's fingers. Flash and Supergirl hold Superman back, only for Superman to give them a taste of his super-strength. Supergirl gets up and goes towards her cousin to make him understand.)'' Kal, stop! These are your friends!
:'''Superman''': My &quot;friends&quot; should be helping me instead of standing in my way. ''(Supergirl and Superman head for a clash at super-speed, which ends in Superman taking Supergirl by her scruff and flinging her to a building. Flash charges on Superman at lightning speed, delivering swift, continuous punches on his abdomen. Superman pushes him away with his freeze breath and hurls Flash with a mighty punch. They both face each other.)''
This is on you, Barry. When you defected, the Regime fell. You left us vulnerable to Brainiac! You shouldn't have lost your nerve.
:'''The Flash''': I lost my nerve when I didn't stand up to you the first time, Clark. Never again. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': Stand up to that. ''(Supergirl arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal!
:'''Superman''': I can't forgive you so easily this time, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': There's still hope, Kal. I know you're afraid. For everybody. Ever since you lost Lois. 
:'''Superman''': I used to be afraid. ''(after a pause)'' Afraid my powers would make people fear me. Afraid who I'd hurt if I wasn't careful every second of everyday. I spent my whole life holding back. ''(in utter grief)'' My fear cost me Lois. That's why I don't hold back anymore. 
''[Superman chases Supergirl in air. Wonder Woman joins the chase with Superman. Kara breaks through the roads, leading Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' It's no accident you brought us here. 
:'''Batman''': ''(from behind)'' Of course, it isn't. ''(as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, they see Batman in a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Superman)'' I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her, leaving the cousins for a face-off.)''
:'''Superman''': You should want Brainiac dead more than anyone. Instead, you are undermining me.
:'''Supergirl''': Thank Rao, your father can't see you. When General Zod tried to take over Krypton, Jor-El (Superman's father) led the fight against him! That's who you come from... That's who you are, Kal. Not this. 
:'''Superman''': If Jor-El had been more like Zod, he might have saved Krypton. And I will save the Earth. ''['''Sub-Boss fight''': Supergirl vs Superman. Superman wins.]'' ''(Kal feels sorry and in grief that he had beaten up his cousin, who was meant to be his protector. Looking at her)'' I'm sorry... ''(Batman arrives at the scene, defeating Wonder Woman)''
:'''Batman''': Your war is over. ''(as Batman and Superman are now face-to-face for a final talk.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way. 
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything. 
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory. 
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime. 
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then. 
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win. 
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Superman''' v '''Batman''', Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': It's over, Bruce. ''(Batman fails to stop Superman treading in a wrong path. Superman further weakens him before he could gain energy back.)''
:'''Batman''': You don't have to do this. ''(Wonder Woman joins Superman)''
:'''Superman''': I'm not letting Brainiac live to put the Earth at risk again. 
:'''Batman''': Then what? I'm your next victim? 
:'''Superman''': ''(strangling Batman)'' I could have killed you years ago. It would've been so easy... 
:'''Batman''': So go ahead, Clark. Do it. Show me what a villain looks like... 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you want to see? ''(Batman nods as Superman gives him one last head-to-head knock and Batman falls unconscious.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': He's still breathing.
:'''Superman''': If he dies, he dies a martyr. I want him kept alive. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': We need to deal with Kara. 
:'''Superman''': She's young. Give her time. She'll come around.
:'''Wonder Woman''': And if she doesn't? 
:'''Superman''': She will. This time, everyone will.

====''Epilogue (if Superman wins)''====

''[Superman kills Brainiac, bonds with the ship, and reestablishes the regime with the help of all of Brainiac's captives. He offers an imprisoned Supergirl the chance to join his army, claiming he restored the remaining cities and put Earth at peace. When she refuses, Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman and explains that she will join one way or another.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''' : ''(In the Prison for Meta-Humans...) 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(looking at Superman)'' You bonded with Brainiac's ship...
:'''Superman''': Brainiac is dead. The remaining cities have been restored. And just like I told you, Earth is at peace. 
:'''Supergirl''': Under your heel. 
:'''Superman''': I wish you'd come around, Kara. I'm building a new army to protect the Earth. There are billions of warriors trapped in Brainiac's collection. Kryptonians, Daxamites, Czarnians... I'll have a legion whose power rivals the combined Lantern Corps. And I want you to lead it with me. 
:'''Supergirl''': Never Kal. 
:'''Superman''': You'll either make the right choice, or I'll make it for you. ''(Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman. Supergirl is shocked to see it.)'' What's it going to be? ''(Credits roll.)''

Story DLC.

supergirl: i..... i don't want to join you..... i want to return home with my father.

Superman: your father doesn't like you anymore. Nobody does! Deal with it! It's your only chance, kara!
Make a Choice, or have me make it for you.

Supergirl: then none of them is my Choice, kal!

Superman: i knew you had to say that......... but i took some purcation.

Supergirl: where did you get that kal?

Superman: nothing personal. You see, i set up some bombs that can be a hundred miles away. Ever since time beat itself, the planets made of their own universe around the world. So it's nothing to be ashamed of for any reasons. The regime may be a mistake to you, but that's all in the past. I even catch sight of these planets from all around the world all over again. This, on the other hand, belongs to earth.

Supergirl: what do you mean?

Superman: if you join me, if you swear to serve me, if you make a right Choice on leading the legion with the combined lantern corp powers with me, i will allow earth to live. But, if you reject me, even for a smallest request, earth will be........ erased. I just need to push this button, and everyone and everything earth has done, thought, or wished, will be lost, forever.

Supergirl: you can't be serious kal. Please, don't do this. I won't let that happen!

Superman: well it all really depends on you. Lead the legion of combined lantern corp powers with me. And earth.... will live.................... alright then, suite yourself. I'm going to lead the legion myself and.......

Supergirl: WAIT! I'll do it.

Superman: you clever girl.

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Justice... if Batman was chosen''====

''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over.  ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind and attacks Batman. Batman answers it with a smoke grenade, choking Aquaman's and then tackles him. Superman continues tackling Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Batman continues dodging Aquaman's strikes. While doing so...)''
:'''Batman''': Arthur, don't do this! You don't want to follow Clark! 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm not following anyone. ''(kicking Batman)'' You've never understood Atlantis, Bruce... We're an ancient people with an old-fashioned sense of justice. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Atlantis needs to get with the times. ''(Aquaman gives a final assault on Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail as he thrusts the Trident at Aquaman itself.)'' I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! 
''[Scene cuts. Black Adam takes Batman captive in air outside Brainiac's ship.]''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Batman)'' There's no escape. ''(Batman gives a head-to-head knock at Adam.)'' You wish to fall? So be it. ''(and Black Adam leaves Batman to fall from that height. As Batman gets closer to the ground, he glides easily with his cape, safely landing. Black Adam also descends towards Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Go back to Kahndaq, Adam. Stay here and you'll be prosecuted.
:'''Black Adam''': You'd have to capture me, Batman. And I've underestimated you for the last time. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': All that ancient wisdom. Wasted. ''(Through Brother Eye comms.)'' Supergirl, where are you?
:'''Supergirl''': They're following me. (&quot;They&quot; refers Superman and Wonder Woman)
:'''Batman''': Lead them to the Cave. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman leaves for his BatCave. He gets his Bat-mobile and reaches his cave. Through his command center, he now wears a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit. Kara leads Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave as Batman said.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': (to Supergirl) It's no accident you brought us here.
:'''Batman''': (from behind) Of course, it isn't. (as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, Batman appears.)
:'''Supergirl''': (to Superman) I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her. Both the cousins leave to fight elsewhere.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to Batman)'' This is the last time, Bruce. No more secrets. No more schemes. 
:'''Batman''': Schemes? I'm not the one who stoked Clark's worst fears. ''(Wonder Woman attacks him with his sword, only to be defended and hit back by Batman. They continue tackling each other.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': To pacify man's world, Kal needed steel, not compassion. 
:'''Batman''': But you didn't bring peace. You started a war. ''['''Sub-boss fight''': Wonder Woman vs Batman. Batman wins.]'' ''(to a defeated Wonder Woman)'' Your war is over. ''(Batman then approaches Superman who had defeated Supergirl.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way.
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything.
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory.
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime.
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then.
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win.
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Batman''' v '''Superman''', Batman emerges victorious!]'' ''(Superman gets up again and decides to try one last assault on Batman, but a series of punches from Batman just weakens Superman more and finally falls unconscious. Batman too drops at his knee, seeing how he failed to make his friend Kal understand and instead, had to take him down. Supergirl gains consciousness and comes towards Batman.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(worried; to Batman)'' Is he...
:'''Batman''': He'll be out for a while. I'm sorry, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': For what? 
:'''Batman''': I couldn't save him.

====''Epilogue (if Batman wins)''====


''[Batman depowers Superman permanently with Gold Kryptonite and imprisons him in the Phantom Zone. He decides to create a new Justice League with his allies and offers Supergirl a membership within it.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''': ''(A defeated, handcuffed Superman (in a prisoner's attire) is now incapacitated of his powers permanently using Gold Kryptonite and the red sun rays.)''

:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Kara, it's safe now. ''(as she descends down and walks towards Clark.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(egoistic)'' Even without my powers, the Phantom Zone can't hold me. I'll be back. 
:'''Batman''': We'll be ready. ''(Superman stares at Batman as Batman now opens the entrance to Phantom Zone, imprisoning Clark. Before leaving...)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, I don't... I wish--
:'''Clark Kent''': We were family, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': We still are. I hope someday you'll see that. ''(as Superman turns back and enters into the Phantom Zone)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(trying to console Supergirl)'' Are you all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': No. ''(after a brief pause)'' This symbol should give people hope. ''(pointing at the 'S' in her suit)'' He made them fear it. 
:'''Batman''': That symbol's meaning is up to the person who wears it. When Clark and I founded the Justice League, we didn't govern people. We protected them. Plain and simple. Maybe... the world could use a team like that again. ''(suggesting the idea of forming Justice League again with Supergirl)'' Welcome to the circle of trust. ''(and they both shake hands. Credits roll.)''

==Voice cast==
*Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
*George Newbern as Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman
*Susan Eisenburg as Princess Diana / Diana Prince / Wonder Woman
*Scott Porter as Damian Wayne / Robin
*Joey Naber as Black Adam
*Laura Bailey as Kara Zor-El / Supergirl
*Alan Tudyk as Green Arrow
*Vanessa Marshall as Black Canary
*Steve Blum as Hal Jordan/Green Lantern, Sub-Zero, Victor Zsasz
*Taliesin Jaffe as The Flash
*Khary Payton as Cyborg , Grid
*Tara Strong as Harley Quinn, Dr. Randell
*Grey DeLisle as Catwoman, Alura In-Ze
*Richard Epcar as the Joker, Raiden
*Fred Tatasciore as Bane, Swamp Thing, Martin Stein
*Tasia Valenza as Poison Ivy
*Robert Englund as Scarecrow
*Phil LaMarr as Aquaman, Lucius Fox, John Stewart/Green Lantern
*Ogie Banks as Firestorm
*Anthony Del Rio as Blue Beetle
*David Sobolov as Doctor Fate
*C. Thomas Howell as Captain Cold
*Erica Luttrell as Cheetah
*Matthew Mercer as Deadshot
*Charles Halford as Gorilla Grodd
*Ike Amadi as Atrocitus
*Jeffrey Combs as Brainiac
*Michael-Leon Wooley as Darkseid
*Liam O'Brien as Reverse Flash, Brainiac 5
*Megalyn Echikunwoke as Vixen
*Travis Willingham as Flash (Jay Garrick)
*Sara Cravens as Power Girl
*Jim Pirri as Mr. Freeze
*Patrick Seitz as Bizarro
*Cameron Bowen as Red Hood
*Kari Wahlgren as Starfire
*Kane Jungbluth-Murry as Black Lightning, Black Manta
*Bruce Barker as Hellboy
*Matthew Yang King as Atom
*Brandy Kopp as June Moone/Enchantress
*Corey Krueger as Leonardo
*Joe Brogie  as Donatello
*Ben Rausch as Raphael
*Ryan Cooper as Michelangelo

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2017 video games]]
[[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]]
[[Category:Xbox One video games]]</text>
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      <id>3150401</id>
      <parentid>3150400</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T18:44:09Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Chapter 8: Wonder Woman */</comment>
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      <text bytes="235473" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Injustice 2|Injustice 2]]''''' is a fighting game released in May 2017 for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One that is a sequel to [[Injustice: Gods Among Us]].  It was released by NetherRealm Studios, known for creating the recent Mortal Kombat games.

== Character Endings ==
*'''Batman''': Brainiac's attack left the world devastated. Thousands dead, many more thousands homeless. When President Kane asked that I head up the emergency response, I couldn't refuse. The job's demands required that I leave the Justice League in Barry's and Hal's hands. Together they're molding the younger heroes into a force for good unlike any Earth has even seen. But I'm only semi-retired. Behind the scenes, I've been preparing for Superman's return. Kal swore he'd escape from the Phantom Zone. I'd be foolish not to take him at his word.

*'''Superman''': I vowed to protect the Earth. But to guarantee its safety, I need to expand my vision. Brainiac's ship is the ultimate weapon. But in my hands, it could be so much more. Millions of civilizations await rebirth in Brainiac's collection. I'll find the bravest and strongest warriors among them, and I'll start a new Regime. No, a new Legion. The Legion of Superheroes! With it, I'll bring peace not just to Earth, but to the entire universe! And the universes that lie beyond!

*'''Wonder Woman''': When Batman tore down the Regime, man's world called me a tyrant. My Amazon sisters disowned me. That Brainiac showed Earth what a tyrant truly looks like. The people begged for deliverance-- and I gave them Brainiac's head. Once again, it falls upon the Regime to restore peace and order. Batman and the traitors who followed him will be punished. Even Kara Zor-El. Then I will return to Themyscira-- and deal with my sisters. If they do not heed my commands, they will bow to force. So says Diana, princess of the Amazons, slayer of Brainiac!

*'''Catwoman''': With nine lives, it had to happen sooner or later. I got everything I ever wanted, including a handsome prince and a badass reputation as the woman who beat Brainiac. And I must say... I was bored to death. Bruce and I worked better when we were forbidden. When the masks were on and the claws were out. That honeymoon was over, so I did the best thing for both of us. I'm not sad. I didn't become Catwoman to bag Bruce Wayne. I don't ever want to rely on anyone but myself. I'll go where I want to go, take what I want to take. And never, ever look back.

*'''Joker''': I hadn't begun my day thinking I'd give a wannabe alien overlord a haircut. That was a happy accident. But what I first thought a distraction inspired my life's greatest work. I found Brainiac's collection. Those poor cities from across the universe, trapped aboard his ship. There was only one thing to do! I restored them. And gave Earth the reboot it so desperately needed! I stitched together a crazy quilt of alien civilizations, without regard to rhyme or reason. Afraid, confused, devolved to their basest instincts, they kill each other in the most sickening ways. And I get to sit back, munch popcorn, and enjoy the show -- watching as the world burns! ''Hehehehahahahaha!''

*'''Harley Quinn''': I still can't believe it! Me, bringing down Brainiac! Who knew? Still, Bats surprised me, offering me a spot in the Justice League! Not totally sure he ain't crazy! But who says no to that guy? You know, being good feels good. But every now and again, every once in a while, I get this irresistible urge to go out and '''BASH SOME HEADS!''' Hopefully, being good'll stick long term. Till I'm sure, my kid, Lucy's still gonna know me as her crazy aunt Harleen. Maybe someday, I can give her the real scoop.

*'''Cyborg''': Brainiac thought he had me all figured out. Said my humanity made me weak. But fighting for humanity gave me the strength to body that punk-ass Coluan. And before he dropped, I took a few things... His twelfth-level intellect and his ship's data core. I thought the Internet was gigantic. But now? I've got the whole wide universe at my fingertips. First up, I put back every Earth city Brainiac stole, starting with my hometown, The Motor City! Then I keep going... Superman wants to secure one world, but I can reboot tens of thousands! Every last one in Brainiac's Collection. Gonna be a long trip. But another benefit of my new twelfth-level intellect is I can reunite with some old friends. Titans Together. Boo-yah.

*'''Bane''': Who would have ever imagined a sickly boy born in a prison would survive to become humanity's savior? I did. And now the world is mine. So I say to all prisoners... Rise! Come out! Kill your wardens! Make slaves of your guards. Teach them the meaning of despair! We have no more prisons, no police, no Regime left to fight... ''[Sighs]'' No one left to fight. Any worthy opponent has already... fallen... Dios mio. Perhaps victory can be a prison. A possibility I never imagined...

*'''Robin''': Bruce Wayne was my father, and it's no secret I hated him. But despite all that, he sacrificed himself to save me. Giving me the chance to stop Brainiac permanently. I was so obsessed with escaping the bat's shadow, that I never appreciated what that symbol really meant. Not until I saw it stained with my father's blood. My blood. This symbol is my legacy, a legacy of vengeance. My name is Damian Wayne, son of Bruce, grandson of the demon. I've been called Robin, and Nightwing. But from now on, the world will know me as... Batman.

*'''Flash''': So much for heroes. Brainiac had barely hit the floor when the arguing started. Should we kill him? Keep him alive? I couldn't watch them go to war. Not again. So I ran -- into the speed force! Brainiac wanted the universe to himself, so I dropped him off at the end of history. But I still kept running. I needed to be alone. Then I heard a familiar voice... It was Jay -- and the other speedsters! A crisis is coming, he told me! But if we run fast enough, together, we just might save the Multiverse. I thought I'd been running away. But I was running toward something. It's good to believe in heroes again.

*'''Jason Rusch''': The professor and me worked our tails off to control our powers. But Stein figured out the only way to beat Brainiac was to lose control.
:'''Martin Stein''': I correctly calculated that overheating Brainiac's engines would weaken him. But the quantum disruption we created caused an... unexpected chain reaction... The Skull Ship exploded... and every city Brainiac stole from Earth was obliterated. Metropolis. Coast City. All of them.
:'''Jason Rusch''': We thought we'd finally be the big heroes. The ones everyone looks up to.
:'''Martin Stein''': But in our hubris, we lost sight of the hero's duty: protecting others at all costs.
:'''Jason Rusch''': And we can't make that kinda mistake again.
:'''Martin Stein''': But still, if you ever need us, Batman...
:'''Both''': We'll be here.

*'''Doctor Fate''': The Lords of Order believed Earth couldn't be saved. That only Brainiac's evil could restore order. I knew refusing the Lords' Fate would anger them, and that they'd try to destroy me. Anyone else would have nowhere to run. Fortunately, I still have friends in low places. The House of Mystery guards the Helm. Zatanna and Constantine's spells conceal me from the Lords. But it was John's daughter, Rose, who gave me the greatest gift of all. My wife, Inza, returned to life and in my arms again. For the first time since taking up the Helm, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And that is... perfect.

*'''Black Canary''': I'd have loved to kick back and savor kicking Brainiac's ass, but I had to rush home. I didn't know if Connor had made it out of the invasion OK. Turns out I didn't need to worry. The crazy stress of Brainiac's attack had activated my son's metagene, and if there's one thing you don't want to mess with, it's a scared, pissed-off three-year-old with superpowers. Sure I love that Connor takes after me, but... raising him suddenly got a lot more complicated. I'm just glad to have people around that can help me and Ollie figure this whole thing out.

*'''Green Arrow''': Taking down that green-skinned bastard got me thinking about the people of my Earth. My universe's Brainiac had never come calling. I had to warn them. By the time I got home, it was too late. My Earth was *this* close to being gone for good. But that's when the strangest cavalry you've ever seen rode in. It was a full-on, multiverse Justice League! They'd been hopping between universes, battling Brainiac in every one. I couldn't refuse when they asked me to join. I've seen what Brainiac can do. Nobody, in any universe, should have to face that threat again.

*'''Captain Cold''': Going after the Regime was one thing. But destroy the planet for Brainiac? You really thought I'd go through with it, Grodd? Really?! ''[BLEEP!]'' you! Sorry it's been a while, sis. I know I've always got an excuse. But this time, I-I finally figured out the right way to honor your memory. I know what you're thinking. &quot;Old Lenny sold out.&quot; So what? I'm making sure the Regime and Brainiac never happen again. Even buried the hatchet with old Scarlet Speedster. Ironically or whatever, he's the best partner I ever had. 'Sides you, sis.

*'''Cheetah''': Hungry for his blood, I prepared to claim Brainiac. But the alien, desperate to save his life, sputtered out an offer. Brainiac said that if I spared him, he'd deposit any of his collected beings I wanted on a world of my choosing. There, I could pursue them at my leisure. So now I hunt, free from Wonder Woman's interference. With each kill, I glorify the Goddess. As for Brainiac? Of course I didn't abide our agreement. I'd never given up on killing him. A true huntress always catches her prey.

*'''Atrocitus''': My punishment of Brainiac's crimes had unintended consequences. His death disabled his ship. Billions of collected souls perished. I did not know they could be restored. Their deaths unleashed such rage. My Red Lanterns were overwhelmed. They drove me from Ysmault. They would have killed me, if not for Proselyte. The emotional entity offered me compassion, not rage, in the face of my grave error. I now understand the emotional spectrum requires balance. My Red Lanterns' rage must punish the worst offenders. But it cannot blindly consume those who deserve compassion.

*'''Supergirl''': My hands still shake when I remember Brainiac's &quot;collection&quot; of Krypton. I want to give the world he stole a second chance. But bonding with Brainiac's ship is too risky. I need a safer way to restore our cities. I'm so glad for the Justice League's help. Barry, Professor Stein--they've already taught me so much. Every day, we get closer to reversing Brainiac's collection process. When we do, we'll pick the right star system. What Brainiac ruined will be reborn--Argo City and Kandor, twin cities, survivors. I couldn't save Kal-El. But I will save our people.

*'''Darkseid''': The Coluan, Brainiac, was a genius without peer. But. I. Am. A God. I could not allow an errant intellect to steal the object of my vengeance. Superman refused to submit to my will, denied my conquest of Earth, and killed my son, Kalibak. He suffered and perished. But not until I told him exactly what would happen after he died. Kara Zor-El proved quite resilient, but eventually, DeSaad broke her. She is a powerful weapon--a natural leader for my new, invincible breed of parademons, cloned from the DNA of Superman himself. Superman robbed me of my blood. Now, our score is settled. That is the will of Darkseid!

*'''Swamp Thing''': Many throughout history have underestimated the green. In this way, Brainiac was no different than Superman or Batman. They all thought they could improve upon nature. They all were wrong. Earth belonged to the green for eons before animals evolved. Now, the trees and plants will remind these animals upon whose planet they reside. When the next crisis comes, nature will protect itself. I stand with the green, and the green alone.

*'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians ordered me to bring Brainiac to Oa to stand trial. I was plenty happy to put a few thousand light years between that alien and Earth. After the trial, the Guardians dropped a bombshell on me. Sinestro was free. Busted outta their ScienceCells. A frontal assault on the Sinestro Corps was a no go. Us Greens were still weak from fighting Superman's regime. That's why I volunteered to go undercover-- as a Yellow Lantern. To pass, I need to re-embrace my fear. But fear's an addiction. Once I've picked up that bottle, it's gonna be awfully hard putting it back down again. I just hope I have the will to see it through.

*'''Gorilla Grodd''': The befuddled look frozen on Brainiac's dead face is a vision I will always relish. Even as I ripped the head from his body, the alien couldn't believe that an ape was taking his life. {Laughs} I quickly mastered Brainiac's technology, exponentially increasing my telepathic power. Then I enslaved Earth's humans, finally relegating them to their proper place. But my victory over those vermin was only the beginning. Now fully in command of Brainiac's vast powers, I am the greatest conqueror the Universe has ever seen. All worlds will kneel before Emperor Grodd.

*'''Deadshot''': Grodd used the damned nano-explosive in my head to make me his bitch. The jobs he made me do... well, let's just say they crossed some lines. I bet taking Brainiac and Grodd into the authorities would beat doing another stretch in Belle Reve... and I was right. Bruce Wayne even bankrolled getting rid of my TNT migraines for good. I frickin' hate hospitals, but god, was it worth it. With that nano safely out, I could finally see Zoe again. Last time I saw my little girl, she had nine candles on her birthday cake. Now I gotta second shot at being dad-- and I sure as hell don't plan to miss it.

*'''Poison Ivy''': Of all the men I've charmed, Brainiac was the most useful. With his help, I finally slaughtered the so-called heroes. Then I whispered in his ear, &quot;Collect every last city on Earth, and I'll give you a kiss&quot;. And he did it. Every last city. I finally brought human civilization crashing to the ground. As for Brainiac, he got the kiss he deserved. But he was just a fling. After all, I was going to be busy leading the green... I should've know there'd be some competition. Swamp Thing's sympathy for humans makes him weak. The plants know I'm their real guardian. And when the leaves settle, there will be no doubt-- this world is mine.

*'''Blue Beetle''': Oh, man-- dude!-- I cannot even describe what it felt like! Sure, I was just the newb in the crew. But like, you think I'd ever let Brainiac kill Batman, and what, blow up the world? No manches! When it was over, Batman was all-- (clears throat, imitates Batman:) &quot;The world is safe thanks to you, Jaime. I'd like to make you LEADER of the new Justice League, if that's cool with you.&quot;  Wow! That was a really tempting offer, you know. But if there's one thing better than saving Batman, it's saving mi familia. I haven't been around them much since I got the Scarab. So for now, I'm moving home and going back to school. And if this so-called &quot;normal&quot; life doesn't work out? There's always the Justice League.

*'''Aquaman''': Superman was right. Brainiac needed to die. But I couldn't stomach the idea of Kal's return to power. Atlantis would not again be his vassal. With Batman beaten and his allies imprisoned, I couldn't muster the force I needed to take Superman down. I'd all but lost hope when my marines discovered an abandoned Insurgent base hidden in the Southern Ocean. Here Lex Luthor perfected his inter-universe transporter. From plans left behind, my scientists built a new device. Now I go and ask for the help of those I had fought. I must also ask their forgiveness.

*'''Black Adam''': I returned to find Kahndaq devastated from Brainiac's attack. My beloved queen was dead. I brought her broken body to the Lazarus Pits, intent on her resurrection. But my entry was barred by Ra's Al Ghul. He offered a trade: access to the pits in exchange for my aid in bringing him to power. Ra's admired Superman's regime, but felt it should have gone further. While I have no love for Ra's, I accepted his terms. I will pay any price to again feel the embrace of my dearest wife. 

*'''Scarecrow''': After studying Brainiac's blood, I tweaked my fear toxin to exploit his alien biology. And as I gained control of his shattered mind, I also gained control of his ship. I began to explore Brainiac's enormous collection, soon realizing it was an unprecedented opportunity for study. Billions of species, from millions of worlds. Each with its own phobias and fears. Now, the Skull Ship is my laboratory. As it glides through the vast darkness of space, its collected beings are subjected to their worst nightmares. With each I study, my knowledge grows. It may take decades, but I will become the universe's greatest master of fear.

*'''Starfire''': Back in the day, this victory would have called for a party in the Titans' Tower. The music, the laughter, the mustard with pizza on bottom. But these days, I have no party mates. Raven became a servant of Trigon. Cyborg, he joined the regime. Beast Boy has been missing for so long, I must assume he is dead. Dick Grayson... he was my star-crossed soulmate. He will never be replaced. And now... all that's left is me, last of the Titans. Dick would not approve of the moping. I only overcame the loss of Tamaran by coming to Earth and forging new bonds of friendship with the Titans. It is incumbent upon me to repeat history. To forge new bonds of friendship. Maybe they're not ''my'' Titans, but the only way I know to honor my lost friends is to make sure that no matter what, that we'll always be Titans together. After all, I beat Brainiac. ''That'' was a victory, and victories call for mustard parties.

*'''Sub-Zero''': I arrived in this realm accidentally, driven here by magic unleashed as I forced Kotal Kahn's retreat from Earthrealm to Outworld. I was seeking a route home when Brainiac attacked. I could not allow this vile invader to add this planet, or myself, to his collection. In gratitude for my flawless victory, Batman offered the Justice League's aid. While I waited on him to unlock the magic of inter-realm travel, I provided valuable kombat training to the youngest members of his order. But the spells that were devised went awry. Instead of opening a portal to Earthrealm, they opened a gateway to the Phantom Zone. Now I fight to re-imprison Superman and his followers. They would not have been freed, but for my accidental arrival in this realm. I am now duty-bound to protect it, as if it were my own.

*'''Red Hood''': That... felt... good... Titanium composite hollow point bullets with a C4 kicker. Fastest, most explosive ammo in the world. I made them myself. With the invasion over, Bruce and Superman started fighting again. I wasn't down with either of them. On the one hand, the regime's right: scumbag murderers and rapists deserve to die. But on the other hand, I'm no fan of government authority. Especially the dictatorial variety. So, while the world's finest fight each other, I fight for the people, the weak, the innocent, anyone who can't protect themselves. When they cry out for a savior, I'll answer! As for the criminals that threaten them, they need to know that their actions have consequences! That the Red Hood is coming for them!

*'''Raiden''': Though I had finished Shinnok, his corruption of Earthrealm's Jinsei has cracked the barrier between my realm and this one. I began having visions of Brainiac's collection of this Earth. I realized that Brainiac's actions would soon destroy the barrier among all the realms. All life would be annihilated. With Brainiac dispatched, I tended the injured. His wounds too great, Kent Nelson could not be saved. But as he died, he warned me: the Armageddon I had foreseen was the design of the Lords of Order. By destroying reality, they would return the multiverse to a perfectly ordered state, obliterating Chaos. To defeat this powerful magic, the Justice League turned to this Earth's most proficient wizards and sorcerers. I gladly accepted the invitation to join them. The Lords will be contained, Order and Chaos will remain balance. Life as we know it, will continue.

*'''Hellboy''': Somehow, Brainiac shanghaied me on a slow boat to this universe. Bastard had big dreams about me in his &quot;Collection.&quot; Guess what I thought about that idea. Taking Brainiac out certainly got folk's attention. I got a lotta offers to stick around, but I got bored quick. Megalomaniac villains and tights-wearing heroes really aren't my thing. What's it they say? Home is where the heart is? But when I got back, things just weren't the same. The bureau was too small. Was time for me to hit the road. Africa was totally the right call. The wide open spaces suit me. Clean air, starry skies and, not surprisingly, more than a few monsters to hunt. All in all, makes for a pretty good life.

*'''Black Manta''': Brainiac stole Atlantis. For that, I could have thanked him. But that wasn't enough. Arthur Curry's kingdom had to be wiped from history. Forgotten. Lost. As it should be. I found just the place, guarded by Earth's most savage predators. Once upon a time, Arthur Curry killed my father. Now that I've killed his kingdom, all that remains is to kill &quot;the King&quot; himself. Only then will I consider my father's murder avenged. Only then will I rest. And what of Aquaman? Does he come forward to avenge his own people? No. He hides behind an alien and an Amazon. Let him. It won't save him. Compared to that alien freak, Brainiac, these three will be fish for the slaughter. And when they're dead, the world can thank Black Manta.

*'''June Moone''': When it comes to magic, even Brainiac has a lot to learn. He thought he could &quot;collect&quot; the power of the Enchantress. So I let him have it. And sure enough, the old witch ate him alive. It was over. Brainiac was beaten. But even more miraculously, the Enchantress... was gone. After years of that witch feeding on me, torturing me, corrupting me... I'm free. No more aliases, no evil alter-egos, I can just be June Moone. I got my old job back at the design studio, I even have a date this Friday! Piece by piece, I'm rebuilding my old life. Once I've--No! Get out of my head!
:'''Enchantress''': June, June, June. Did you really think you could dispose of me so easily? Brainiac's collection was a revelation. You and I have been thinking far too small. Why corrupt one Earth, when we can bewitch all 52?

*'''Atom''': Brainiac's armor made him impervious to harm, from the outside, at least. He'll survive this minor brain surgery. He just won't be able to control his Skull Ship anymore. Crisis averted, I can get back to searching for my missing mentor, Professor Ray Palmer. Last year, Palmer dove headfirst into the Microverse, a subatomic dimension he himself discovered. In case he got lost, he left behind a trail of clues and designated an asthmatic research fellow, yours truly, to follow them. That trail's gone cold. Which is why I'm upgrading my bio-belt with Brainiac's technology. It's my turn to get subatomic. I'm not the strongest or bravest hero out there. But Professor Palmer? He's an Einstein-level genius. He trusted me with his astonishing legacy. The Atom is not going to let him down.

*'''Brainiac''': Brainiac: Obviously Batman and Superman have many questions. Where did I come from? Why am I here? Am I friend or foe? It is time to reveal the truth.
:'''Brainiac 5''': I'm Brainiac 5. A descendant of the original Brainiac, but without his homicidal tendencies. In the future, people fear Coluans because of my ancestor. So I elected to come back in time and fix that. Now that I'm done, I'm going back where I belong--the 31st century. The Legion of Super-Heroes will grill me for &quot;borrowing&quot; a time bubble. But all they really need to know is that I'm on their side, and always will be. Long live the Legion!

*'''Michaelangelo''': So you're like, totally wondering where we vanished off to, right?
:'''Raphael''': It was Krang, Mikey! He sent--
:'''Leonardo''': Raph, they might not know who Krang is. Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Sure, Leo. Krang is an Utromian criminal turned intergalactic despot from Dimension X. He's known--
:'''Raphael''': Yeah, what he said. Anyway, we're the biggest heroes in our universe, right? That's why Krang tried booting us to Dimension X: to make way for his invasion.
:'''Michelangelo''': But instead we ended up on a different Earth! Way awesomer!
:'''Donatello''': Krang sent us across the Multiverse, to a universe vibrating on a unique frequency--which is a macrocosmic constellation of--
:'''Raphael''': Enough with the technobabble, Donnie.
:'''Leonardo''': Chill, Raph. Anyway, it shouldn't have surprised us that this new universe had its own intergalactic despot. We knew we had to stop Brainiac or else we--
:'''Michelangelo''': Just skip to the best part, bro! Once we whooped Brainiac, I asked that kooky clown lady where to get a good pizza, and she's all, [Harley impression] &quot;Let me get you turtles the Supah Salty Pizza&quot;. I swear on my life, that pizza was the scrumdiddly.
:'''All Turtles''': Mmmmmm!
:'''Leonardo''': Krang thought he'd beaten us, but in the end his whole plan backfired.
:'''Donatello''': The &quot;Super Salt&quot; on Harley's pizza? Edible nanotech called 5-U-93-R. It temporarily augmented our physiques and durability.
:'''Raphael''': Plain English: we became ultra-turtles.
:'''Leonardo''': Krang didn't stand a chance.
:'''Michelangelo''': Yeah, you could say this little adventure gave our Turtle Power one shell of an upgrade!
:'''All Turtles''': Lame! So lame! Epic fail! Even Shredder's--Are you serious? That was terrible!
:'''Michelangelo''': Whatever, dudes. That was funny.

== Dialogue == 
=== Fight Intros ===
:'''Superman''': Only criminals need to fear me.
:'''Batman''': Shazam and Green Arrow were criminals?
:'''Superman''': Casualties of war.


:'''Atrocitus''': You appear feeble…
:'''Supergirl''': I punch above my weight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Yet, you won’t match my RAGE!


:'''Wonder Woman''': So, how does this end, Bane?
:'''Bane''': By hanging you with your own lasso!
:'''Wonder Woman''': That venom's gone to your head!


:'''Supergirl''': You gonna spit up on me, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': Irritating female!
:'''Supergirl''': You know who else does that? Babies.


:'''Catwoman''': Nice outfit.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yours is just... alright.
:'''Catwoman''': Take that back!


:'''Joker''': Harley, your pet got out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am no one's pet!
:'''Joker''': Back in your cage, monkey!


:'''Cyborg''': Well, if it isn't the walking gun show.
:'''Deadshot''': Have a seat. It's just starting.
:'''Cyborg''': I'll handle the finale.


:'''Brainiac''': Your wardrobe is anachronistic.
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an homage. Robin Hood?
:'''Brainiac''': Your legend will not eclipse his.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I can grow wings, Lantern.
:'''Green Lantern''': OK, now it's a contest.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Do I actually have a sister?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Pffft, as if.
:'''Supergirl 1''': How dare you get my hopes up!


:'''Flash''': What's up, Leonard?
:'''Captain Cold''': Our final showdown, Flash.
:'''Flash''': You always say that.


:'''Scarecrow''': All your rage is for nothing.
:'''Atrocitus''': Vengeance is everything!
:'''Scarecrow''': But your family is lost forever.


:'''Poison Ivy''': You were supposed to help the green!
:'''Superman''': Sometimes, we have to compromise.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'm done compromising!


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'm in a league all my own!
:'''Robin''': The world's better off without you.


:'''Joker''': Love the lightning! Nice zip-crackle!
:'''Black Adam''': I'm glad you approve.
:'''Joker''': Let's see if killing you shuts it off!


:'''Brainiac''': You are not afraid to die.
:'''Deadshot''': What's to be afraid of?
:'''Brainiac''': Non-existence.


:'''Cyborg''': You had any sense, you'd go home.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got plenty of dollars, but not much cents.
:'''Cyborg''': That's a good way to get yourself killed.


:'''Catwoman''': I hear you like cats.
:'''Atrocitus''': Some more than others.
:'''Catwoman''': You definitely won't like this one.


:'''Flash''': I was too late to stop you last time.
:'''Joker''': And Metropolis fell down and went &quot;BOOM!&quot;
:'''Flash''': Today's gonna be different!


:'''Deadshot''': Just fists, Bane? You nuts?
:'''Bane''': I need no weapons, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': Time to scramble those ''huevos''.


:'''Blue Beetle''': It's Beetle versus Bat!
:'''Batman''': Bats '''eat''' beetles.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ...that escalated quickly.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': That ring will be mine, Lantern.
:'''Atrocitus''': You can't pry it from my finger.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll bite off the whole hand!


:'''Joker''': Didn't I kill you already?
:'''Scarecrow''': Maybe I'm back to haunt you.
:'''Joker''': Well, you'll have to be much scarier.


:'''Supergirl 1''': Kara Zor-el?
:'''Supergirl 2''': Who wants to know?
:'''Supergirl 1''': ''Kara Zor-el.''


:'''Cheetah''': Protector of the green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Are you human or beast?
:'''Cheetah''': I am something much deadlier.


:'''Superman''': You can't have Earth, Brainiac!
:'''Brainiac''': It would fare better under your regime?
:'''Superman''': In every way that matters.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Aquaman''': With my fists or my trident. Your choice.
:'''Deadshot''': Go ahead, demonstrate.


:'''Robin''': Why is my father still alive?
:'''Wonder Woman''': We had to wait for the right time.
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is splintered.
:'''Cyborg''': How's that?
:'''Doctor Fate''': The machine lives, but the man dies.


:'''Batman''': You and Stein need to learn control.
:'''Firestorm''': That's kind of a thing with you, isn't it?
:'''Batman''': You're too powerful to be impulsive!


:'''Atrocitus''': You don't fit on the emotional spectrum!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Bats says I'm a girl of contradiction.
:'''Atrocitus''': You're a danger to ''all'' Lanterns!


:'''Catwoman''': Should I call you Green Arrow Junior?
:'''Green Arrow''': Call me the ghost of Arrow Past.
:'''Catwoman''': Hmm, clever too. I like that.


:'''Captain Cold''': Frost Warning.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll protect my children!
:'''Captain Cold''': Cover 'em with a tarp.


:'''Cheetah''': The Goddess gives me speed!
:'''Flash''': Maybe, but I've got the speed force!
:'''Cheetah''': Touché, I suppose.


:'''Deadshot''': It ain't so hard scaring people.
:'''Scarecrow''': You have a preferred method?
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, a loaded gun.


:'''Atrocitus''': I've heard Solovar's cries!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Dead rulers tell no tales.
:'''Atrocitus''': He laments his death at your hands!


:'''Swamp Thing''': Stand down, Black Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': Kandahq is mine to command!
:'''Swamp Thing''': The plants are not your subjects.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal? You're free?
:'''Superman''': You sound disappointed.
:'''Supergirl''': I wouldn't if you'd changed.


:'''Firestorm''': Your suit's made of hardlight energy.
:'''Green Lantern''': Yeah, and what have you got, kid?
:'''Firestorm''': Just the power to manipulate energy!


:'''Scarecrow''': Such a frightful family history.
:'''Batman''': Don't, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': You failed your Mommy and Daddy.


:'''Green Arrow''': I'm growing tomatoes. Any tips?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Choke on them.
:'''Green Arrow''': No salsa for you.


:'''Wonder Woman''': Your Society is a poor man's Regime.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': With Brainiac, it cannot lose!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Those who bargain with devils always lose.


:'''Brainiac''': I have studied your technique.
:'''Catwoman''': Impressed, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': Your defeat will be painful.


:'''Joker''': And what can I do for you?
:'''Black Adam''': You can die screaming.
:'''Joker''': Would you settle for a balloon?


:'''Flash''': You've gotta commit to being a hero.
:'''Blue Beetle''': But I'm not sure I'm cracked up for this.
:'''Flash''': That hesitation'll get you killed!


:'''Aquaman''': I don't like you as Superman's right hand.
:'''Robin''': What's your beef with me?
:'''Aquaman''': You give no voice to moderation.


:'''Green Arrow''': Much broodier than my Batman.
:'''Batman''': Do you know how many friends I've lost?
:'''Green Arrow''': Right, not funny.


:'''Darkseid''': This planet bows to Darkseid.
:'''Swamp Thing''': The green bows to no one.
:'''Darkseid''': You will, Avatar!


:'''Firestorm''': How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
:'''Scarecrow''': A film reference!?
:'''Firestorm''': Next time, Professor, ''I'll'' do the trash-talking!


:'''Deadshot''': Hola, Amigo!
:'''Bane''': Do not butcher my language!
:'''Deadshot''': Fine! I'll just butcher you!


:'''Batman''': This wasn't the plan, Jordan.
:'''Green Lantern''': Can't plan everything, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're too reckless.


:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab is screaming in my ear to kill you!
:'''Joker''': Sounds like a wise gent, this Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Man, you are as nuts as it says.


:'''Robin''': I won't hold back, Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': How will I be able to tell?
:'''Robin''': You'll be covered in your own blood.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Flash''': Loser buys at Jitters.
:'''Cyborg''': Oh, you're gonna regret saying that.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You're not what you think, Superman.
:'''Superman''': And what do you think I am?
:'''Doctor Fate''': A threat to all worlds!


:'''Catwoman''': Are you impressed yet, Diana?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not necessarily.
:'''Catwoman''': It's time I hit back.


:'''Cyborg''': Thanks for helping us stop Bruce.
:'''Aquaman''': I only did it to finish Brainiac.
:'''Cyborg''': That's what I was afraid of.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab says gorillas are herbivores.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Most are. I'm not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck. Freak of nature.


:'''Scarecrow''': You stole Fear Toxin!
:'''Joker''': An artist doesn't steal, he homages.
:'''Scarecrow''': Either way, you owe me!


:'''Atrocitus''': You won't deter me, Jordan!
:'''Green Lantern''': Still out for justice, huh?
:'''Atrocitus''': Not justice, VENGEANCE!


:'''Batman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': This shall be your knight fall.
:'''Batman''': Let me enlighten you.


:'''Green Arrow''': Dead-stroke, Death-shot, which is it?
:'''Deadshot''': The name's Deadshot.
:'''Green Arrow''': Man, you need a publicist.


:'''Firestorm''': Liking the bug suit yet?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Being able to fly? Doesn't suck.
:'''Firestorm''': Hah, losing to me will.


:'''Captain Cold''': Back off, Harley!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aye aye, Captain! Heard you had a cold anyway.
:'''Captain Cold''': If anyone's sick, precious, it's you!


:'''Joker''': It's a Brainiac whack-attack!
:'''Brainiac''': Your mind is human... yet not.
:'''Joker''': It's called insanity, try it sometime!


:'''Brainiac''': Kal-el of Krypton.
:'''Superman''': Here, I'm Superman.
:'''Brainiac''': A better oxymoron I have not heard.


:'''Catwoman''': Animal print is out.
:'''Cheetah''': What about facial scars?
:'''Catwoman''': Let's have you try some on!


:'''Bane''': I commend Selina's loyalty.
:'''Batman''': Shouldn't have touched her, Bane!
:'''Bane''': How else was I to lure you?


:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't Batman tell you?
:'''Firestorm''': Tell me what, Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern!


:'''Blue Beetle''': Just saying, the armor knows how to kill you.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your weapon doesn't concern me!
:'''Blue Beetle''': Alright, man, your funeral.


:'''Green Arrow''': Oh no, it's Rag Man!
:'''Scarecrow''': I am Scarecrow!
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll still wipe the floor with you.


:'''Joker''': Nice monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'm an ape, clown!
:'''Joker''': Like it matters.


:'''Batman''': Why won't you help us, Arthur?
:'''Aquaman''': Only the seas concern me!
:'''Batman''': Time to broaden your point of view.


:'''Bane''': I envy your strength.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You will not harvest it.
:'''Bane''': Said the crop to the reaper.


:'''Green Lantern''': You're not a real captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': I didn't pick the name.
:'''Green Lantern''': But you still picked this fight.


:'''Firestorm''': You're backing the wrong team!
:'''Catwoman''': I'm working undercover for Batman.
:'''Firestorm''': So why didn't he tell me that!?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your challenge is amusing.
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your hubris even more.


:'''Deadshot''': Folks here want their cities back.
:'''Brainiac''': An unlikely outcome of this encounter.
:'''Deadshot''': Let's kill you and see where that gets us.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So, you really full of straw?
:'''Scarecrow''': No, something much worse.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Better not be glitter.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Kandahq's fate cannot be avoided.
:'''Black Adam''': We shall see.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It is foretold.


:'''Green Lantern''': I fly, you don't, I win.
:'''Batman''': Think I haven't planned for this?
:'''Green Lantern''': Only one way to find out.


:'''Robin''': I'm no Jason Todd.
:'''Joker''': He's pathetic. You're contemptible.
:'''Robin''': And you're both.


:'''Darkseid''': Your suffering will be immeasurable.
:'''Catwoman''': Still got nine lives to spare.
:'''Darkseid''': Nine lives to torture.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans must disgust you.
:'''Superman''': Those who harm them do.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': How do you not see the irony!?


:'''Atrocitus''': What do you know of rage?
:'''Scarecrow''': It is a fire, kindled by fear.
:'''Atrocitus''': And what happens to kindling?


:'''Blue Beetle''': You can't destroy Earth!
:'''Brainiac''': Of course I can.
:'''Blue Beetle''': OK. Grammar police... you ''won't''.


:'''Captain Cold''': Come on, ''Deadass!''
:'''Deadshot''': Watch how you talk to me!
:'''Captain Cold''': Oh, I'm all done talking.


:'''Harley Quinn''': How's it feel being the villain?
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''You're'' the villain, Quinn.
:'''Harley Quinn''': The lady's crazier than I am!


:'''Batman''': I'm glad Kara proved incorruptible.
:'''Black Adam''': She is a fool to deny her true power.
:'''Batman''': She's smart to know its limits.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Two voices in one mind...
:'''Firestorm''': It's like thinking in stereo!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I will silence this cacophony!


:'''Scarecrow''': Does Daddy approve, Cyborg?
:'''Cyborg''': You don't know my father, Scarecrow!
:'''Scarecrow''': I know you're afraid to fail him.


:'''Aquaman''': Bane...
:'''Bane''': I have caught a merman!
:'''Aquaman''': Or has he caught you?


:'''Captain Cold''': Barry know his B.F.F. is back?
:'''Green Lantern''': First person I called.
:'''Captain Cold''': He'll be the last one.


:'''Atrocitus''': You could wear a red ring...
:'''Supergirl''': Red jewelry's kinda for old ladies.
:'''Atrocitus''': ''Mock me at your peril!''


:'''Joker''': Here's a news flash: life is a meaningless joke!
:'''Flash''': Life has meaning if we give it meaning.
:'''Joker''': Get all your advice off bumper stickers?


:'''Robin''': I got a prediction.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Share it with me.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Deadshot''': Are you just gonna deflect the bullets?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Finding out might kill you.
:'''Deadshot''': Eh, I'll try anything once.


:'''Brainiac''': Why come to this universe?
:'''Joker''': This Earth's better! I had disciples here!
:'''Brainiac''': They are foolish creatures.


:'''Blue Beetle''': So you can talk to plants?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I commune with them.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Tell them this is for Jaime's allergies.


:'''Aquaman''': Wretched beast!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am this world's future.
:'''Aquaman''': You are an evolutionary misstep!


:'''Atrocitus''': Ganthet never told you, did he?
:'''Green Lantern''': Told me what?
:'''Atrocitus''': That I killed your predecessor!


:'''Bane''': I can break you with one hand.
:'''Harley Quinn''': What's the other one gonna be busy with?
:'''Bane''': Silence, clown!


:'''Joker''': Doctor, it hurts when I go like this!
:'''Doctor Fate''': I am not a medical doctor.
:'''Joker''': Or much of a straight man!


:'''Robin''': Who were you in bed with this time?
:'''Catwoman''': Speaking metaphorically?
:'''Robin''': You bet.


:'''Green Lantern''': You like boiled, steamed or baked?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I do not follow.
:'''Green Lantern''': Just asking how you want to get served!


:'''Atrocitus''': Trillions demand vengeance!
:'''Brainiac''': Those not collected?
:'''Atrocitus''': Those you've slaughtered!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Your regime failed the green.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The regime will rise again!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not anymore.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Shall we duel, your highness?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces!?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Just my luck, freak of nature.


:'''Catwoman''': People topside want you on trial.
:'''Aquaman''': I won't be judged for defending Atlantis!
:'''Catwoman''': You will be for helping Superman.


:'''Batman''': The league didn't teach you everything.
:'''Robin''': ''[scoffs]'' You have some wisdom to share?
:'''Batman''': The importance of self-control.


:'''Atrocitus''': My lanterns will punish you!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You won't judge me, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': It's done! Now you die!


:'''Black Adam''': Why fight me, Bane?
:'''Bane''': We are both gods of battle.
:'''Black Adam''': You're a maniac, not a god.


:'''Scarecrow''': What keeps you up at night?
:'''Superman''': Criminals like you.
:'''Scarecrow''': So we do scare you!


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Cheetah''': The huntress becomes hunted.
:'''Cyborg''': The huntress becomes dead.


:'''Brainiac''': I appreciate your service, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I serve you no longer.
:'''Brainiac''': Then be eliminated.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your sister's plight affects you.
:'''Catwoman''': Keep Maggie out of this, Atrocitus!
:'''Atrocitus''': I can't ignore such rage.


:'''Captain Cold''': The Joker...
:'''Joker''': Leonard Snart, a letter away from &quot;smart&quot;.
:'''Captain Cold''': You're several cards short of a deck!


:'''Green Lantern''':a We can both like the color green.
:'''Swamp Thing''': You embarrass green things.
:'''Green Lantern''': Never mess with Green Lantern.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Oliver Queen…
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop reading my mind!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I’ve already finished.


:'''Brainiac''': You are nothing without the Scarab.
:'''Blue Beetle''': My mom would disagree.
:'''Brainiac''': Mothers lack objectivity.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Atlantis needs a proper king.
:'''Aquaman 2''': She has one already, usurper.
:'''Aquaman 1''': Not by my count.


:'''Captain Cold''': Your head still wired to a detonator?
:'''Deadshot''': You can't help me, Lenny.
:'''Captain Cold''': How about I freeze your head?


:'''Cyborg''': You remind me of my father.
:'''Brainiac''': How am I similar to Silas Stone?
:'''Cyborg''': He was cold and emotionless too.


:'''Cheetah''': At last... the Flash!
:'''Flash''': Are you stalking me?
:'''Cheetah''': I'm ''hunting'' you!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your father defied fate to save you!
:'''Cyborg''': You got a problem with that!?
:'''Doctor Fate''': He made a mistake!


:'''Catwoman''': The Gotham City what?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Sirens! You, me, Kate and Babs!
:'''Catwoman''': It'll never fly.


:'''Robin''': Dick trusted me, but you never will!
:'''Batman''': Trust is earned, Damien!
:'''Robin''': How long will that take?


:'''Joker''': Deadshot...
:'''Deadshot''': That's what they call me.
:'''Joker''': Soon, they won't need that second part.


:'''Green Lantern''': I never should have been on your side.
:'''Black Adam''': You accepted Sinestro's wisdom.
:'''Green Lantern''': He was a liar, like you!


:'''Poison Ivy''': You smell like a gym locker.
:'''Bane''': Maybe I should rub you all over me.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You would find it a nauseating way to die.


:'''Superman''': I took one life to save millions!
:'''Batman''': Hardly the best example for Supergirl.
:'''Superman''': Your son would disagree.


:'''Cyborg''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Robin''': Loser buys.
:'''Cyborg''': You mean it’s on Batman!?


:'''Harley Quinn''': Outta my way, potato sack!
:'''Scarecrow''': I don't fear you.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll mash your potatoey head!


:'''Cheetah''': My bloodlust is insatiable!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Green Blood won't feed your hunger.
:'''Cheetah''': I'll enjoy the kill just the same.


:'''Atrocitus''': Your blood runs today!
:'''Wonder Woman''': I may bleed, but I will not fall.
:'''Atrocitus''': Then you will die standing, Amazon!


:'''Aquaman''': You betrayed your father, Damien.
:'''Robin''': Because he was spectacularly wrong!
:'''Aquaman''': Still, you owe him your loyalty.


:'''Catwoman 1''': Bet you can't find my safehouse.
:'''Catwoman 2''': The dusty tenement on Harlow Street?
:'''Catwoman 1''': Well played, copycat!


:'''Doctor Fate''': The Batman.
:'''Batman''': I'll go easy on you.
:'''Doctor Fate''': A poor choice indeed.


:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman says I report to you.
:'''Black Adam''': We have a world to rule.
:'''Cyborg''': Why should I follow your lead?


:'''Bane''': I will crush you, Brainiac.
:'''Brainiac''': You have no hope of victory.
:'''Bane''': I need only strength.


:'''Joker''': Guns, guns, guns. Where's the art?
:'''Deadshot''': I don't get paid extra for creativity.
:'''Joker''': Philistine...


:'''Green Lantern''': Still got a chance to turn yourself in.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Just shut up and fight me, Hal.
:'''Green Lantern''': Let the records show you asked for it.


:'''Scarecrow''': I wonder what plants fear.
:'''Swamp Thing''': Men like you, for a start.
:'''Scarecrow''': Well, let's explore that!


:'''Green Arrow''': Think you can handle a bow?
:'''Robin''': I mastered archery by the time I was seven.
:'''Green Arrow''': Must have been a tiny bow.


:'''Cyborg''': You turned on us fast enough.
:'''Flash''': Felt like an eternity to me.
:'''Cyborg''': So will this next beatdown!


:'''Batman''': Hold it, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': Afraid of a gun, Batman?
:'''Batman''': No, but I despise them.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Have a good time joyriding in the Batmobile?
:'''Catwoman''': That would be stealing, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't act like you never thought about it.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will steal your thoughts.
:'''Joker''': My mind's an open book.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Even more so once I '''crack your skull!'''


:'''Blue Beetle''': Hal Jordan!? No way!
:'''Green Lantern''': You a Green Lantern fan?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Not after your heel turn, bro.


:'''Bane''': Still I remain uncaptured.
:'''Batman''': I've had bigger concerns.
:'''Bane''': None are bigger than me.


:'''Atrocitus''': Prepare yourself, youngster!
:'''Robin''': I'm always prepared.
:'''Atrocitus''': Not for me!


:'''Superman''': They should call ''you'' the Man of Steel.
:'''Cyborg''': My armor's a lot stronger than steel.
:'''Superman''': But not stronger than me.


:'''Deadshot''': Skip the monologue, Adam.
:'''Black Adam''': My words are for the worthy.
:'''Deadshot''': If you're lucky, they're also deaf.


:'''Robin''': Remember breaking Batman’s back?
:'''Bane''': That was my finest hour!
:'''Robin''': Same thing’s about to happen to you!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Joker''': I'm a threat to pretty much everyone!
:'''Aquaman''': This trident says otherwise!


:'''Harley Quinn''': We're gonna ''take care of'' Wonder Woman, right?
:'''Batman''': By &quot;take care of&quot;, you mean &quot;put in jail&quot;?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ...yeah, that's exactly what I meant...


:'''Green Arrow''': Aw nuts, I forgot my spray bottle!
:'''Catwoman''': Hilarious, Ollie.
:'''Green Arrow''': I know.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Hold still, puny human.
:'''The Flash''': Sorry. Restless leg syndrome.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''I'll tear them from your hips!''


:'''Scarecrow''': Grodd has you on a leash.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless I want my head blown off, yeah.
:'''Scarecrow''': I will hold that leash.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I have a gift for you, Beetle.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Whatever it is, I don't want it.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Flowers always cheer me up.


:'''Wonder Woman''': I told Kara the truth.
:'''Superman''': You say that like it's a good thing.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This battle will decide that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hiya, dearie! Ya miss me?
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent team Batman now.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll show ya the ropes!


:'''Doctor Fate''': Part of you is still good, Captain Cold.
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, my trigger finger.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Hmm, perhaps I was wrong.


:'''Bane''': I took pleasure watching you break.
:'''Batman''': What happened to Clark was tragic.
:'''Bane''': It made him a leader to be feared.


:'''Robin''': Father thinks you're redeemable.
:'''Catwoman''': Everyone deserves a second chance.
:'''Robin''': Not everyone.


:'''Joker''': Boop eep dop boop boop.
:'''Cyborg''': What are you doing?
:'''Joker''': That's robot for &quot;You're Dead!&quot;


:'''Harley Quinn''': Why do I always get the big guys!?
:'''Swamp Thing''': Because you have a big mouth.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Leave the humor to me, pal!


:'''Cheetah''': Your ring, Lantern. ''Now!''
:'''Green Lantern''': Don't even think about it!
:'''Cheetah''': I need only my claws.


:'''Deadshot''': Cold, you're not leaving here alive.
:'''Captain Cold''': When did I get on your bad side?
:'''Deadshot''': When the cheque cleared.


:'''Aquaman''': Batman has lost. Now what?
:'''Wonder Woman''': The Regime will rise again.
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis won't bleed for the Surface World!


:'''Supergirl''': Hard to tell, but you look grumpy.
:'''Batman''': Kryptonians give me headaches.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You walk the wrong path.
:'''Superman''': The world's changed since Metropolis.
:'''Doctor Fate''': It has cost you your soul.


:'''Deadshot''': Who taught you to speak?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': No one ''taught'' me, fool!
:'''Deadshot''': Maybe someone can teach you to shut up.


:'''Robin''': My knuckles need a workout.
:'''The Flash''': No way you're fast enough, kid.
:'''Robin''': You're just a bigger, dumber speed bag.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Sorry to do this, Brucey.
:'''Batman''': I'm not the enemy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': All humans are the enemy!


:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd be wise to surrender.
:'''Joker''': And miss all the fun?
:'''Wonder Woman''': If you think a crushed skull is fun.


:'''Batman''': You belong in Arkham, Scarecrow.
:'''Scarecrow''': So, I can break out again?
:'''Batman''': So, you can get help!


:'''Brainiac''': Your canary cry intrigues.
:'''Black Canary''': Wanna hear it? Come closer.
:'''Brainiac''': It will not prevent your collection.


:'''Atrocitus''': You are young and exuberant!
:'''Firestorm''': And fired up for this fight!
:'''Atrocitus''': Perhaps a Red Ring is in your future!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You'll make a nice chewie for Bud and Lou!
:'''Aquaman''': Should I be intimidated?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't worry. Their teeth are only RAZOR '''SHARP!'''


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Enjoy ruling the world?
:'''Flash''': Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As yours, I'm disappointed.


:'''Deadshot''': Baby Batman's all grown up.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, even old enough to buy cigarettes.
:'''Deadshot''': At least you'll die a man...


:'''Poison Ivy''': Come to me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I know your games, bruja.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I scare men like you.


:'''Cyborg''': What's your deal, anyway?
:'''Scarecrow''': I create fear and disruption.
:'''Cyborg''': Online, we call that &quot;Trolling&quot;.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Is there any line you ''won't'' cross?
:'''Superman''': I don't hurt children.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Didn't stop you with Shazam.


:'''Darkseid''': Surrender to Darkseid or face death.
:'''Atrocitus''': Your victims demand justice!
:'''Darkseid''': Then I will grind your bones to dust!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Trade those pistols for petals.
:'''Deadshot''': Yeah, I don't buy that &quot;flower power&quot; crap!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You'll wish you had!


:'''Supergirl''': Are you ready?
:'''Wonder Woman''': This should be interesting.
:'''Supergirl''': You're in for a doozy.


:'''Aquaman 1''': Orm, is that you?
:'''Aquaman 2''': I'm Arthur Curry.
:'''Aquaman 1''': You might ''think'' so.


:'''Green Lantern''': What’s your malfunction, Vic?
:'''Cyborg''': The regime is making a comeback!
:'''Green Lantern''': Not while I’m wearing this ring!


:'''Joker''': I just love these Arkham reunions!
:'''Scarecrow''': I spiked your punch.
:'''Joker''': Naughty naughty, Scarecrow.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Selina's billionaire sugar daddy.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Don't flatter yourself.


:'''Catwoman''': Don't you trust me, Grodd?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Only a fool would trust you!
:'''Catwoman''': I'll tell Batman you said that.


:'''Harley Quinn''': My, what big claws you have!
:'''Cheetah''': The better to slash off your face, my dear.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You know the wolf dies, right!?


:'''Doctor Fate''': Will you sacrifice yourself?
:'''Swamp Thing''': I will to save the Green.
:'''Doctor Fate''': That I cannot promise.


:'''Robin''': Oh, it's the resident I.T. guy.
:'''Cyborg''': Need some tech support?
:'''Robin''': Come on, you know I'm self-sufficient.


:'''Aquaman''': I bet even you fear drowning.
:'''Scarecrow''': There are worse ways to die.
:'''Aquaman''': How about gutted like a fish!?


:'''Batman''': You shouldn't have killed the Joker.
:'''Superman''': I did it for Lois.
:'''Batman''': It's not what she would have wanted.


:'''Poison Ivy''': I thought we were friends!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, we were more than friends!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not any more.


:'''Deadshot''': Joker...
:'''Joker''': Mr. Lawton! How's your daughter?
:'''Deadshot''': You don't ''ever'' mention her!


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Batman sent a boy to tame me?
:'''Blue Beetle''': Think I can handle a big dumb monkey.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There were ''three'' errors in that statement!


:'''Aquaman''': You won't threaten Atlantis!
:'''Superman''': I'm restoring my Government!
:'''Aquaman''': That I must oppose!


:'''Poison Ivy''': This is our last dance, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You're breaking my heart, Red!
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'll break more than that!


:'''Robin''': I didn't murder Dick, Bruce!
:'''Batman''': No, your temper did, Damien.
:'''Robin''': It was an accident!


:'''Deadshot''': Red Power Ring, cat sidekick...
:'''Atrocitus''': Listing the ways you can die?
:'''Deadshot''': Items for your estate sale.


:'''Joker''': How nice~, you saved me a spot!
:'''Brainiac''': In my collection?! ''Never!''
:'''Joker''': ...A spot to ''stab you in'', genius.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Scarab's got your tech beat.
:'''Cyborg''': It's the man, not the machine.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Got you beat there too.


:'''Scarecrow''': Do you fear death?
:'''Captain Cold''': Not since I grew up!
:'''Scarecrow''': Perhaps your sister did.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You're not so hideous.
:'''Atrocitus''': I can taste your blood already!
:'''Harley Quinn''': But you're coming on a little strong!


:'''Darkseid''': My Omega Beam will vaporise you.
:'''Deadshot''': Take your shot, and make it count.
:'''Darkseid''': Like you, the Omega does not miss.


:'''Bane''': You never accepted me as an equal.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You are a hired thug, Bane.
:'''Bane''': Now that hurts my feelings, Diana.


:'''Batman''': I don't have time for this, Damien!
:'''Robin''': A good father would make time.
:'''Batman''': A better son would deserve it.


:'''Joker''': Here, fishy, fishy!
:'''Aquaman''': Come any closer, worm, and I'll bite!
:'''Joker''': You're an angry little fishy!


:'''Captain Cold''': Move, Arrow, and I'll blast ya!
:'''Green Arrow''': Why's it gotta be a ''cold'' gun?
:'''Captain Cold''': &quot;Captain Tropical&quot; doesn't roll off the tongue.


:'''Scarecrow''': Everyone has something to lose.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Like you're about to lose consciousness?
:'''Scarecrow''': I refer to your baby sister.


:'''Black Adam''': You should have stayed where Fate put you.
:'''Black Canary''': I should have been back a lot sooner.
:'''Black Adam''': Then you'd already be dead!


:'''Deadshot''': Know what they call an unwanted plant?
:'''Poison Ivy''': I am ''not'' a weed, Deadshot!
:'''Deadshot''': You're still getting whacked!


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ever gonna trust me a hundred percent?
:'''Batman''': I don't trust anyone that much.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right... I'll settle for eighty.


:'''Doctor Fate''': What do you hope to prove?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I am superior to all men!
:'''Doctor Fate''': This ambition will be your downfall.


:'''Cheetah''': You're a tasty looking fish.
:'''Aquaman''': More than you can handle, Cheetah.
:'''Cheetah''': All I need is a bite.


:'''Joker''': Savvy another round, Super-freak?
:'''Superman''': Why can't you stay dead!?
:'''Joker''': I always have extra lives.


:'''Cyborg''': Watch yourself, rook.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Bet your gear can't do this.
:'''Cyborg''': Anything you can do.


:'''Wonder Woman''': You're still much too paranoid.
:'''Batman''': It comes easily with friends like you.
:'''Wonder Woman''': You don't have any friends left, Bruce!


:'''Catwoman''': Red's not really your colour.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Catwoman''': Then maybe try a turtle neck.


:'''Black Adam''': First Waller's pet, now Grodd's.
:'''Deadshot''': A nanobomb will do that to you.
:'''Black Adam''': How do you live with such shame?


:'''Scarecrow''': You are useless to my slaves.
:'''Joker''': But I thought everyone feared something.
:'''Scarecrow''': Only the rational ones.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've been a good pet, Deadshot.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm all done playing Fetch!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Time to put you down.


:'''Green Arrow''': What now, pretty bird?
:'''Black Canary''': You haven't been a good boy.
:'''Green Arrow''': ''Ooohh''... My safe word is &quot;Arrowcave&quot;.


:'''Supergirl''': Kal, you need to stop!
:'''Superman''': You can't stop me!
:'''Supergirl''': Your heartbeat says you're lying!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Do not test me, Bane.
:'''Bane''': I am as strong as Hercules!
:'''Wonder Woman''': And as big a fool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Does calamari make you sad?
:'''Aquaman''': Enough of your nonsense!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Clearly, you're emotional about it.


:'''Cheetah''': I admire a fellow collector.
:'''Brainiac''': You collect mere trinkets.
:'''Cheetah''': You are no trinket, Brainiac.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Blue Beetle comin' at ya!
:'''Brainiac''': You are of no interest to me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Says every girl in school.


:'''Doctor Fate''': My duty is to order.
:'''Darkseid''': You are a worm beneath notice.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You will not upset the balance!


:'''Joker''': I guess we ''are'' somewhat alike.
:'''Scarecrow''': We're both agents of chaos.
:'''Joker''': But ''I'm'' the pretty one.


:'''The Flash''': Murdering people won't bring Lisa back.
:'''Captain Cold''': I know, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': I can't let you give up on yourself.


:'''Batman''': Dinah said you woke up screaming for Joker.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, that dream was really not safe for work.
:'''Batman''': Should I be concerned?


:'''Wonder Woman''': Know your place, girl!
:'''Supergirl''': My place is where ''I'' decide to be.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Your confidence plays tricks on you.


:'''Atrocitus''': Why does Batman enrage you?
:'''Bane''': He haunts my dreams, Atrocitus.
:'''Atrocitus''': Too bad you must now sleep.


:'''Superman''': Excuse me.
:'''Green Arrow''': Excuse ME?
:'''Superman''': That was actually kinda funny.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Ollie! I quiver with joy.
:'''Green Arrow''': Archery puns! Really?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, don't be cross... bow...


:'''Doctor Fate''': Mercenaries are the hounds of duty.
:'''Deadshot''': English, please.
:'''Doctor Fate''': You are disposable.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I could have built a great Society.
:'''Bane''': On your foundation of lies!?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': On the backs of its members!


:'''Wonder Woman''': Listen to reason, Bruce.
:'''Batman''': You're the same as the thugs you kill.
:'''Wonder Woman''': The world's better without them.


:'''Joker''': You know, it only took one bad day.
:'''Brainiac''': For what exact purpose?
:'''Joker''': To reduce the sanest man to lunacy.


:'''Deadshot''': Any last words?
:'''Darkseid''': Shoot yourself and spare me the trouble.
:'''Deadshot''': I'm not taking requests.


:'''Captain Cold''': Doctor.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Captain.
:'''Captain Cold''': Just need a priest and we can walk into a bar.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reject your people?
:'''Poison Ivy''': For being botanophobes.
:'''Scarecrow''': Said the anthropophobe.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, Mr. G!
:'''Green Arrow''': Please don't call me that.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Whatever you say, sugar bear.


:'''Aquaman''': Another Kryptonian.
:'''Supergirl''': Don't sound so happy about it.
:'''Aquaman''': Allow me to welcome you properly!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Batman''': Yet another wannabe bat killer.
:'''Deadshot''': ''(Sighs)'' Let's get this over with.


:'''Green Arrow''': Why are all the aliens I meet despots?
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's leaders are a little different.
:'''Green Arrow''': Got me there.


:'''Atrocitus''': Sinestro seeks your power!
:'''Scarecrow''': I would gladly wear his yellow ring.
:'''Atrocitus''': I will make his corps burn!


:'''Blue Beetle 1''': That suit's a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 2''': Your HEAD'S a knockoff.
:'''Blue Beetle 1''': Huh, thought I was funnier.


:'''Darkseid''': Kneel and become my warrior.
:'''Deadshot''': Unless you pay and piss off!
:'''Darkseid''': Your compliance is mandatory, earthling!


:'''Green Lantern''': You're kinda lacking, weapons-wise.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident is formidable.
:'''Green Lantern''': Technically, it's just a pointy stick!


:'''Batman''': We're not doing this anymore.
:'''Joker''': You're breaking up with ME?
:'''Batman''': I'm BREAKING you.


:'''Poison Ivy''': One kiss for luck?
:'''Swamp Thing''': You're welcome to try.
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're not that special, Swamp Thing.


:'''Supergirl''': Earth has a new protector.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I will suck the marrow from your bones.
:'''Supergirl''': Hold on, I'm gonna barf!


:'''Poison Ivy''': That's some cologne you have.
:'''Scarecrow''': I call it: Terror No. 5!
:'''Poison Ivy''': How many plants did you kill to make it?


:'''Flash''': How can you ''not'' have regrets, Victor?
:'''Cyborg''': Because I know we did the right thing?
:'''Flash''': Two words: Billy Batson.


:'''Scarecrow''': I'd love to scan your brain.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You won't find anything.
:'''Scarecrow''': Except the Joker's playground!


:'''Captain Cold''': I've been thinking about you.
:'''Black Canary''': Plan to steal a kiss, Cold?
:'''Captain Cold''': I'm a damn good thief.


:'''Green Arrow''': So, has Bruce ever sat you down for &quot;The Talk&quot;?
:'''Firestorm''': How young do you think I am?!
:'''Green Arrow''': Not THAT talk, Firestorm.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Away with you, girl.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': (Chuckles) That's not a name, it's hyperbole.


:'''Deadshot''': Gonna purr for me?
:'''Catwoman''': I doubt it.
:'''Deadshot''': I'll take one of those nine lives then.


:'''Black Canary''': You said, &quot;Girls night out&quot;, Harley.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Well, we're out, ain't we?
:'''Black Canary''': This isn't what's meant by &quot;doing shots&quot;.


:'''Scarecrow''': Focus on your fear.
:'''Bane''': After Peña Duro, I have none. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Unless I tamper with your venom.


:'''Joker''': Such a furrowed brow, Princess.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Killing you will relax me.
:'''Joker''': I was thinking more of Botox.


:'''Scarecrow''': You reek of paranoia.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Scarecrow''': Why so vigilant, Batman?


:'''Poison Ivy''': You're an abomination.
:'''Cyborg''': You body-shaming me, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not much of it is you anymore.


:'''Catwoman''': Time to give it up, Grodd.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Surrender to you, Catwoman!?
:'''Catwoman''': The claws aren't just for show.


:'''Scarecrow''': Victor Stone, always online.
:'''Cyborg''': I'm not afraid of information overload.
:'''Scarecrow''': You fear being disconnected!


:'''Cyborg''': 'Sup, Dwayne?
:'''Robin''': My name is not Dwayne!
:'''Cyborg''': (chuckles) It is now.


:'''Catwoman''': One cat too many.
:'''Cheetah''': What'll you do about it, kitten?
:'''Catwoman''': Anything I have to.


:'''Bane''': I thought you supported the Regime.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hundred percent Team Batman now.
:'''Bane''': My least favorite team.


:'''The Flash''': Like the threads?
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your costume is ridiculous!
:'''The Flash''': At least I'm wearing pants.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Don't know if I should kill you or kiss you.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Kisses only, please.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Only if you join us good guys.


:'''Cyborg''': Thought you stood for order, Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Above all else.
:'''Cyborg''': Then you should have joined the regime!


:'''Blue Beetle''': I'm no fan of hitting girls.
:'''Supergirl''': (scoffs) You'll be lucky to tickle me.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Yeah, that kinda would be.


:'''Green Lantern''': Billionaire social justice warrior...
:'''Green Arrow''': I'll take that as a compliment.
:'''Green Lantern''': (sighs) You and your bleeding heart.


:'''Scarecrow''': Where's your mother, Damian?
:'''Robin''': This isn't therapy-- this is a beatdown!
:'''Scarecrow''': Couldn't save her, could you?


:'''Joker''': Oh Captain, my Captain...
:'''Captain Cold''': Whitman? Seriously?
:'''Joker''': A little culture wouldn't kill you.


:'''Catwoman 1''': You stole my look.
:'''Catwoman 2''': I'll steal everything of yours.
:'''Catwoman 1''': Enjoy my arrest warrants.


:'''Poison Ivy''': Normally, I'd offer a kiss.
:'''Scarecrow''': Go on then-- kiss me!
:'''Poison Ivy''': You make my skin crawl!


:'''Deadshot 1''': Only one of us is the best shot.
:'''Deadshot 2''': Guess the other one will really be a &quot;Dead-shot.&quot;
:'''Deadshot 1''': That is SO meta.


:'''Joker''': I understand you have a family.
:'''Green Arrow''': Stay away from 'em, you son of a bitch.
:'''Joker''': Oh, so you've met my mother!


:'''Brainiac''': I collect worlds.
:'''Harley Quinn''': I collect toenail clippings!
:'''Brainiac''': Your loss will not be mourned.


:'''Joker''': Ha ha! You don't know scary!
:'''Scarecrow''': Stick to comedy, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Comedy is just tragedy left to rot.


:'''Captain Cold''': Good thing you're wearing long johns.
:'''The Flash''': I'm totally commando under here.
:'''Captain Cold''': Ugh... TMI!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Try not to scratch my face.
:'''Catwoman''': It IS your one good feature.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Not what your man thinks.


:'''Aquaman''': Bad timing, Joker.
:'''Joker''': Did I miss the water show?
:'''Aquaman''': No, it's just starting!


:'''The Flash''': You have to move on, Snart.
:'''Captain Cold''': Too late; my heart's frozen.
:'''The Flash''': Let it go.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I can't read your mind.
:'''Batman''': Telepathic inhibitors, don't bother.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': I'll just have to eat it!


:'''Captain Cold''': Playing the hero, Damian?
:'''Robin''': I'm not playing at anything.
:'''Captain Cold''': Most kids only have ONE dad to disappoint.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Your accident was a tragedy.
:'''Mr. Freeze''': You should have stopped it...
:'''Doctor Fate''': I'm stopping you now!


:'''Catwoman''': I met your mother once.
:'''Robin''': No woman could surpass her.
:'''Catwoman''': That's why you don't have a girlfriend.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Dr. Ivy!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Dr. Quinzell.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ooh, I love it when we play &quot;doctor&quot;.


:'''Joker''': Mother always said to eat my greens.
:'''Swamp Thing''': I am NOT salad!
:'''Joker''': No, you just need a little chop-chop!


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Bizarro''': No! Bizarro tiny!
:'''Deadshot''': I'm almost gonna feel bad.


:'''Green Arrow''': There's a rule about fighting circus freaks.
:'''Joker''': Do tell, Green Arrow...
:'''Green Arrow''': Always go for the JUGGLER. ''(laughs)''


:'''Superman''': Want to hear a joke?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, gee, this oughta be something.
:'''Superman''': Harley Quinn vs. Superman.


:'''Deadshot''': You can disarm the grenade in my head?
:'''Doctor Fate''': That is not my place.
:'''Deadshot''': Thanks for nothing.


:'''Batman''': You're blind to what you've become!
:'''Wonder Woman''': Don't you dare say it!
:'''Batman''': The Justice League can't be a death squad!


:'''Black Adam''': Shazam's death shouldn't have fazed you.
:'''Flash''': Killing children is '''never okay!'''
:'''Black Adam''': He was sacrificed for the greater good.


:'''Catwoman''': Not nice what you did to Dinah and Ollie.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Simple minds submit easily.
:'''Catwoman''': Good thing I'm complicated.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You ain't so tough, Superman!
:'''Superman''': What gives you that idea?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Alfred knocked your freakin' ass out!


:'''Poison Ivy''': Hello, Lover…
:'''The Flash''': What do you want, Ivy?
:'''Poison Ivy''': My vines around your neck!


:'''Atom''': I am Ryan Choi, but you can call me Atom.
:'''Atrocitus''': I'll incinerate your corpse!
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Lightning Lad.
:'''Black Adam''': You dare mock me, child?
:'''Harley Quinn''': (imitates Black Adam) YOU DARE MOCK ME, CHILD?!


:'''Joker''': You should thank me, you know.
:'''Wonder Woman''': For what, fiend!?
:'''Joker''': I all but gift-wrapped your boyfriend.


:'''Batman''': How did you get loose?
:'''Bizarro''': Me villain! Protect Metropolis!
:'''Batman''': I'll be the judge of that.


:'''Hellboy''': Your mind games aren't worth crap!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': It cannot be!
:'''Hellboy''': I ain't fooling with you, monkey!


:'''Firestorm''': These flames aren't just for show.
:'''Enchantress''': Want to see a trick?
:'''Firestorm''': No.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Red Hood''': These guns aren't for show.
:'''Scarecrow''': ''[Chuckles]'' Keep telling yourself that!


:'''Starfire''': You hide a wounded heart.
:'''Black Manta''': I buried my heart with my father.
:'''Starfire''': Vengeance cannot bring him back.


:'''Robin''': This must be a dream.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I can assure you, I am all too real.
:'''Robin''': In thirty seconds, you'll be out cold.


:'''Hellboy''': Finally, a giant monster to fight.
:'''Atrocitus''': Be silent, boy!
:'''Hellboy''': The name's ''Hell''boy, dumbass.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common than you'd care to admit.
:'''Bizarro''': People say Joker and Bizarro am mad!
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Red Hood''': You might actually beat me, Jaime.
:'''Blue Beetle''': You really think so?
:'''Red Hood''': Hell no! You're dead meat!


:'''Black Manta''': You have such flawless skin, Catwoman.
:'''Catwoman''': Should I be creeped out or flattered?
:'''Black Manta''': Nothing perfect lasts forever.


:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis is off limits!
:'''Atom''': You're not ''king'' of the Microverse, Aquaman.
:'''Aquaman''': You are not welcome here.


:'''Starfire''': How do you cope with darkness?
:'''Supergirl''': I don't give up hope.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Scarecrow''': Oh, think you're rehabilitated?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I now defend the defenseless.
:'''Scarecrow''': Everything you built will fall.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, aren't you cute?
:'''Bizarro''': What you call me?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Learn how to take a compliment, sweetie!


:'''Red Hood''': Leave this place or die!
:'''Brainiac''': Who are you to command me?
:'''Red Hood''': Someone with nothing to lose.


:'''Deadshot''': Do what I say or bullets fly!
:'''Black Manta''': I know where Zoe lives.
:'''Deadshot''': You just committed suicide.


:'''Sub-Zero''': A Grand Master's respect must be earned.
:'''Atrocitus''': You are nothing to a Red Lantern!
:'''Sub-Zero''': You will withdraw, or be buried here!


:'''Bizarro''': Superman say you hate puppies.
:'''Darkseid''': I hate all creatures great and small.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro not let you hurt Krypto!


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Mr. Freeze''': It will make the [[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic|twilight sparkle]].
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[laughs]'' I was hoping you'd say that.


:'''Black Manta''': I'm not looking for an apprentice.
:'''Robin''': Get this straight: I'm better than you.
:'''Black Manta''': Go back to the kiddie pool.


:'''Harley Quinn''': Can you make me a pony?
:'''Raiden''': I am a thunder god, not a sorcerer.
:'''Harley Quinn''': BORING!


:'''Superman''': Heard you coming a mile away.
:'''Enchantress''': Then you should have scurried off, Superman.
:'''Superman''': Go ahead, underestimate me.


:'''Flash''': I don't like your methods.
:'''Black Manta''': I'll kill you and everyone you ever loved.
:'''Flash''': See? That's just what I'm talking about.


:'''Cyborg''': The Regime won't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer.
:'''Hellboy''': How about &quot;screw you&quot;?
:'''Cyborg''': That was your last chance.


:'''Atom''': At school, I never liked big bullies.
:'''Black Adam''': A mere mortal challenges me?
:'''Atom''': No &quot;mere mortal&quot;. The Atom!


:'''Red Hood''': I feel an urge to crush your dreams.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Come on, give a girl a break, will ya?
:'''Red Hood''': I'd rather put you out of your misery!


:'''Leonardo''': Master Splinter said to fight you.
:'''Batman''': I need to know what you can do.
:'''Leonardo''': Ready for a lesson in turtle power?


:'''Donatello''': I got a theory to why you fight. 
:'''Grid''': I seek only one thing: emotion. 
:'''Donatello''': And that right there just proved it.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right? 
:'''Mr. Freeze''': Quite positively. 
:'''Raphael''': Man, I love being a turtle.


:'''Michelangelo''': It's Michelangelo. Friends call me Mikey. 
:'''Power Girl''': You're going down, down and away. 
:'''Michelangelo''': That's it! No more Mr. Nice Turtle!


:'''Bizarro''': Me destroy this planet!
:'''Black Adam''': It doesn't need your help.
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro start with you!


:'''June Moone''': Enchantress, Enchantress, Enchantress...
:'''Joker''': Could you be any more melodramatic?
:'''Enchantress''': June can't, but I damn well can!


:'''John Stewart''': Things have changed, Arthur.
:'''Aquaman''': And just where do you stand?
:'''John Stewart''': Where I always have, against injustice.


:'''Starfire''': What is the nature of your powers?
:'''Catwoman''': Some of us get by on skill, dear.
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''Hellboy''': My first fight with a mechanical monster.
:'''GRID''': I am GRID, the last being you will ever see.
:'''Hellboy''': Wouldn't bet the farm on that.


:'''Sub-Zero''': I now know the villain you truly are.
:'''Joker''': Everyone is always so judgy.
:'''Sub-Zero''': For the safety of all, you will die.


:'''June Moone''': I can't help it! She has to be let out!
:'''Superman''': But you'll hurt innocent people!
:'''Enchantress''': Since when is that a problem for you?


:'''Starfire''': Um, does Bizarro want a cookie?
:'''Bizarro''': Bizarro no smell cookies on you!
:'''Starfire''': Figures you would have super smell.


:'''Atom''': It's like we're Jacqui and Takeda.
:'''Vixen''': What are you talking about, Ryan?
:'''Atom''': Play more fighting games, Mari.


:'''Blue Beetle''': Wow! Meeting you is just so cool.
:'''Hellboy''': Easy, kid. I'm just a guy doing his job.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Mind if we get a picture after?


:'''Catwoman''': Don't put kitty in a corner.
:'''Enchantress''': How about a dark dimension?
:'''Catwoman''': I'm not one to be tamed.


:'''Black Manta''': Are you my ghost of Christmas future?
:'''Hellboy''': Depends. Have you been a bad boy?
:'''Black Manta''': I've been the worst, Hellboy.


:'''Harley Quinn''': You got a funny name.
:'''Sub-Zero''': In a moment, you will not think so.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Just tryna' break the ice!


:'''Green Arrow''': Well, speak of the devil.
:'''Hellboy''': You ALWAYS this funny?
:'''Green Arrow''': It's an off day for me.


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There's a place for you in the Society.
:'''Enchantress''': I prefer to freelance.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': If you're not with me, you're dead!


:'''Hellboy''': Tired of people tryin' to control me.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Your fate is pre-ordained.
:'''Hellboy''': Like hell it is.


:'''Power Girl''': So, you're &quot;Tazamanian&quot;?
:'''Starfire''': It is pronounced &quot;Tamaranian&quot;.
:'''Power Girl''': Tama--? Let's get this over with!


:'''Joker''': Have we met?
:'''Enchantress''': I'd remember sharing the stage with a mad man.
:'''Joker''': Not mad, differently sane!


:'''Leonardo''': I'm fully trained for this fight.
:'''Superman''': Good thing I'm invincible.
:'''Leonardo''': No one is invincible!


:'''Raiden''': Yet another of Shinnok's minions.
:'''Joker''': Yes, but don't tell him I told you.
:'''Raiden''': The threat you pose must end!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Your cry reminds me of Sindel's scream.
:'''Black Canary''': Want me to sing for you?
:'''Sub-Zero''': I would rather silence you.


:'''Atom''': Your technology could help millions.
:'''Black Manta''': I use science to kill.
:'''Atom''': This looks like a job for quantum physics.


:'''Cyborg''': Let's spar a little.
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Cyborg''': So, that's how's it gonna be, huh?


:'''Hellboy''': YOU'RE why I woke up today?
:'''Red Hood''': This is Hell, and I'm the devil!
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': You ever meet the Lobster?
:'''Jay Garrick''': Ah! Someone who knows his history.
:'''Hellboy''': History? I fought alongside the guy's ghost.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': Picked the wrong guy to mess with.
:'''Aquaman''': My trident says otherwise.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You won't see me coming.


:'''June Moone''': My name's June Moone.
:'''Starfire''': You face a princess of Tamaran.
:'''Enchantress''': Call me Enchantress if you're nasty.


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza beats Gotham pizza.
:'''Leonardo''': You'll get no argument there, Raph.
:'''Raphael''': Then let's get out of this friggin' Universe!


:'''Deadshot''': Don't take this personally.
:'''Enchantress''': When did YOU decide to betray me?
:'''Deadshot''': When the check cleared.


:'''Michelangelo''': You gotta play my new game, Donnie.
:'''Donatello''': I'm not wasting my time with &quot;Ninja Mime&quot;.
:'''Michelangelo''': Grab a controller and learn something.


:'''Starfire''': Melt for me, Sub-Zero.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Beguiling beauty alone will not bewitch me.
:'''Starfire''': I offer so much more than beauty.


:'''Black Manta''': Ray Palmer is already dead.
:'''Atom''': You can't prove that. No one has.
:'''Black Manta''': Maybe I've got his corpse in my pocket.


:'''Deadshot''': You're a big one, aren't you?
:'''Hellboy''': Just means there's more of me to love.
:'''Deadshot''': I respect that.


:'''Hellboy''': Goddamn shame you aren't a good guy.
:'''Superman''': Who are you to judge me?
:'''Hellboy''': A guy who knows a thing or two about evil.


:'''Starfire''': You'll burn for what you did!
:'''Red Hood''': Heard that speech a thousand times!
:'''Starfire''': Give up or get lit up!


:'''June Moone''': If you can kill me, please do it.
:'''Sub-Zero''': You are choosing to suffer.
:'''Enchantress''': Trust me, Sub-Zero, June has no choice.


:'''Cheetah''': Finally, a worthy quarry.
:'''Black Manta''': Finally, a new rug.
:'''Cheetah''': My claws will cut you down!


:'''Atom''': Have I wondered onto a movie set?
:'''Sub-Zero''': This fight is all too real, Ryan Choi.
:'''Atom''': Not good, when the ninjas know your name.


:'''Hellboy''': And your deal's what, exactly?
:'''The Flash''': The Flash-- fastest man alive.
:'''Hellboy''': And how's THAT working out for ya?


:'''Sub-Zero''': Do not be ruled by your passions.
:'''Robin''': Meaning what, exactly?
:'''Sub-Zero''': They will burn you as Hanzo Hasashi did him.


:'''Scarecrow''': You pretend to be fearless.
:'''Black Manta''': I'd kill anyone who threatens me.
:'''Scarecrow''': How long 'till someone kills YOU?


:'''June Moone''': Fair warning: she's an evil hag.
:'''Supergirl''': My god Rao will protect me.
:'''Enchantress''': Like he protected your mother?


:'''June Moone''': It takes all my focus to hide her away.
:'''Starfire''': My people do not hide their emotions.
:'''Enchantress''': Maybe that's why they're all dead.


:'''Bizarro''': Black Manta have funny shaped head.
:'''Black Manta''': It's a helmet, you idiot.
:'''Bizarro''': Manta insult am not called for!


:'''Sub-Zero''': Why assume I will be easy prey?
:'''Cheetah''': You lack killer instinct.
:'''Sub-Zero''': I have engaged in Mortal Kombat.


:'''Black Canary''': I try to use my Canary Cry sparingly.
:'''Black Lightning''': You don't strike me as the shy type.
:'''Black Canary''': Prefer to let my fist do the talking.


:'''Cyborg''': Now that I'm out, your days are numbered.
:'''Enchantress''': I'll turn you into a newt!
:'''Cyborg''': Damn, I hope not.


:'''Michelangelo''': Let's skip this. I'm starving.
:'''Donatello''': If we're lucky, we'll both learn something.
:'''Michelangelo''': Do NOT get between me and pizza!


:'''Raphael''': New York pizza's the best, am I right?
:'''Superman''': Two words: beef bourguignon.
:'''Raphael''': You really have lost your mind.


:'''Leonardo''': You're not from this Earth, are you?
:'''Joker''': Yet you aren't from around here either.
:'''Leonardo''': Your evil ends here.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': How's your mother, Barry?
:'''The Flash''': You were the one, weren't you?!
:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm every bad day you've ever had.
  

:'''Reverse-Flash''': I'm the fastest man alive.
:'''Donatello''': Got any facts to back that up?
:'''Reverse-Flash''': If anyone's faster I'll kill him.


:'''Raiden 1''': In my realm, Liu Kang and Kitana rule Edenia.
:'''Raiden 2''': In mine, they govern the NetherRealm.
:'''Raiden 1''': Whose incompetence lead to this folly?


:'''Sub-Zero''': We are stranded in this realm, Raiden.
:'''Raiden''': I believe our kombat brought us here.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, perhaps Kombat will take us home.


:'''Doctor Fate''': Do you serve Chaos or Order?
:'''Leonardo''': Won’t know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Let us find out.


:'''Hellboy''': What do you bring to this fight, exactly?
:'''Black Canary''': Good looks, quick wits, and a killer right hook.
:'''Hellboy''': Wait till you see mine.


:'''Leonardo''': This fight's got me a little nervous.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A warrior fears nothing.
:'''Leonardo''': Ninjas don't ignore fear, we embrace it.


:'''Hellboy''': You don't know anything about fear.
:'''Scarecrow''': What makes you say that?
:'''Hellboy''': If ya did, you wouldn't be here.


:'''Doctor Fate''': You dance between order and chaos.
:'''Hellboy''': My life story summed up in six words.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Now you must choose.


:'''Hellboy''': I'm thinking this is a bad idea.
:'''Power Girl''': You can't handle this much woman.
:'''Hellboy''': Unless a monster's in there, I'm good.


:'''Raphael''': Now that's a sweet Superman cosplay.
:'''Supergirl''': The name is Supergirl.
:'''Raphael''': Sure... And I'm a renaissance artist.


:'''Hellboy''': You can't tell, but I'm blushing right now.
:'''Enchantress''': Don't be so modest, Anung Un Rama.
:'''Hellboy''': How did you know my goddamn name?


:'''Raphael''': You ate the last ice cream sandwich!
:'''Michelangelo''': I-It was Donnie, not me.
:'''Raphael''': The wrapper's stuck to your shell, bro.


:'''Michelangelo''': Cowabunga! I'm fighting Batman!
:'''Batman''': You need a new catchphrase.
:'''Michelangelo''': No way, dude. It's classic.


:'''Hellboy''': Can't say I've ever met a ninja turtle.
:'''Donatello''': Hope you're not turtle-phobic, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Nah. My problem's with frogs.


:'''Donatello''': That is some crazy gear, Batman.
:'''Batman''': Green with jealousy?
:'''Donatello''': Heh. Something like that.


:'''Raphael''': So what's with their Justice League?
:'''Leonardo''': Think Mighty Mutanimals, minus the mutant animals.
:'''Raphael''': There's zero point in that, bro.


:'''Hellboy''': That getup supposed to scare me?
:'''Batman''': What do you think?
:'''Hellboy''': That you're kidding yourself.


:'''Starfire''': Batman was right disowning you.
:'''Robin''': I've got no regrets.
:'''Starfire''': Not even over Dick's murder!?


:'''Hellboy''': You got the devil inside you, kid.
:'''Raphael''': I get angry. So what?
:'''Hellboy''': It'll bring you down. That's what.


:'''Donatello''': My new bo staff has an Nth metal core.
:'''Leonardo''': What the heck's Nth metal, Donnie?
:'''Donatello''': Only the strongest metal in this universe.


:'''Hellboy''': So what do you have in mind, lady?
:'''Harley Quinn''': How about slaps and tickles at ten paces?
:'''Hellboy''': Not the answer I was expecting.


:'''Hellboy''': Are we ''really'' doing this?
:'''Starfire''': After I win, you wanna get pizza?
:'''Hellboy''': Best offer I've had all day.


:'''Reverse-Flash''': All heroes are fundamentally flawed.
:'''Hellboy''': I'm the friggin' poster child for that.
:'''Reverse-Flash''': To me, you're another victim.


:'''Hellboy''': Where the heck are we?
:'''John Stewart''': If I'm with you, I must be in Hell.
:'''Hellboy''': And here I thought you were clever.


:'''Hellboy''': Your deal's what exactly?
:'''Red Hood''': I'm the cure for a sick, sad world.
:'''Hellboy''': If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.


:'''Hellboy''': My bad side's not where you want to be.
:'''Michelangelo''': I can be a monster, Hellboy.
:'''Hellboy''': Heh. Show me, kid.


:'''Sub-Zero''': You are too young for combat.
:'''Michelangelo''': Splinter's trained us since we were hatchlings.
:'''Sub-Zero''': It is no substitute for maturity.


:'''Michelangelo''': You worry too much, Batman.
:'''Batman''': I call it vigilance.
:'''Michelangelo''': I think you and Leo come from the same clutch.


:'''Leonardo 1''': I'm hallucinating you, right?
:'''Leonardo 2''': Won't know till you fight me, dude.
:'''Leonardo 1''': I gotta lay off Mikey's garlic fudge pizza.


:'''Starfire''': Greetings, Earth friend.
:'''Leonardo''': The name's Leonardo, ninja turtle.
:'''Starfire''': Grayson would have liked you.


:'''Leonardo''': I want to study combat with the best.
:'''John Stewart''': I'll teach you a thing or two.
:'''Leonardo''': With every fight, I'm a better ninja.


:'''Hellboy''': Bet that shell comes in handy.
:'''Leonardo''': Against the Right Hand of Doom? You bet.
:'''Hellboy''': Don't worry, I won't crack it.


:'''Batman''': I know exactly how to beat you.
:'''Leonardo''': You fought ninja turtles, Batman?
:'''Batman''': I'm full of surprises.


:'''Hellboy''': Why do you do what you do?
:'''Joker''': You can't spell &quot;slaughter&quot; without laughter.
:'''Hellboy''': You are one sick piece of crap.


:'''Joker''': We've more in common then you care to admit.
:'''Hellboy''': You're crazy. I'm sane. End of story.
:'''Joker''': That's what the others thought too.


:'''Atrocitus''': I'll show you hellish hate!
:'''Hellboy''': Whatever you've got, I've seen worse.
:'''Atrocitus''': Give me your blood and rage!


:'''Black Adam''': You expect to best a god?
:'''Hellboy''': Pfft! Wouldn't be the first time.
:'''Black Adam''': Mehen admires your courage.


:'''Atom''': You ever been swallowed alive?
:'''Hellboy''': More times than I can count. You?
:'''Atom''': I have and it was fascinating.


:'''Leonardo''': I've met our pal Brainiac.
:'''Hellboy''': Tried to collect you too, huh?
:'''Leonardo''': Genius didn't count on turtle power.


:'''Raphael''': What's it you wanted to teach me?
:'''Batman''': That the shadows are your friend.
:'''Raphael''': You missed the fact I'm a ninja, dude?


:'''Raphael''': You drew the short straw today.
:'''Darkseid''': You are challenging a god, fool.
:'''Raphael''': Gods have nothing on New Yorkers.


:'''Bane''': Your body will snap like a twig.
:'''Raphael''': Your head will crack before my shell does.
:'''Bane''': Two minutes with you will not test me.


:'''Donatello''': Think you can take down the Foot Clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': An ignorant question for a Lin Kuei.
:'''Donatello''': Ignorance comes from not asking questions.


:'''June Moone''': You’ve never met a hag like this.
:'''Hellboy''': Hags, Witches… You’re all the same to me.
:'''Enchantress''': There’s no witch like Enchantress


:'''Donatello''': The name’s Donatello. Who are you?
:'''Hellboy''': Hellboy: Paranormal Investigator.
:'''Donatello''': Need a research assistant?


:'''Sub-Zero''': How will you kombat me, Atom?
:'''Atom''': I shrink, but retain full strength and speed.
:'''Sub-Zero''': Then, I will swat you like a bug.


:'''Bane''': My army needs your skills.
:'''Leonardo''': As bad guys go, you’re the worst!
:'''Bane''': It is unwise to become my enemy.


:'''Red Hood''': Why should I join your ninja clan?
:'''Sub-Zero''': You can learn much from a Grandmaster.
:'''Red Hood''': THIS student already graduated!


:'''Hellboy 1''': Can the BPRD handle two of us?
:'''Hellboy 2''': Let’s just say the professor’s concerned
:'''Hellboy 1''': What could possibly go wrong?


:'''Gorilla Grodd''': There’s a place for you in the Society.
:'''Black Manta''': I don’t socialize!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Then, you’re in the wrong business!


:'''Red Hood''': Ra’s al Ghul saved my life.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Ra’s al Ghul denied fate!
:'''Red Hood''': I don’t see the downside.


:'''Deadshot''': Heard you die.
:'''Starfire''': I will tell the story if you beat me in battle.
:'''Deadshot''': Now I '''Gotta''' know!

=== Story Mode ===
====''Prologue''====
:'''Bruce Wayne''': In my years fighting crime, I've learned one truth... That every villain is the hero of his own story. Superman was no exception. The Joker drugged him. Tricked him into killing his pregnant wife, Lois. And made him trigger the bomb that nuked Metropolis. So when Superman killed the Joker, I understood why. We all did. But once that line was crossed, there was no going back. He gave himself and the Justice League a new mandate. Stop all crime before it happened, by any means necessarily. But he couldn't see his good intentions were leading him down a path of tyranny and evil. That's how our greatest hero became our greatest threat...

:''Several years ago...''

====''Chapter 1: Batman''====

:''[Batman and Robin are flying towards Arkham Asylum, in the Batplane, to stop Superman from releasing prisoners.]''
:'''Robin''': So what if Superman's pulling criminals out of Arkham? They're the worst of the worst.
:'''Batman''': He's going to kill them, Damian.
:'''Robin''': Hmm. Sounds like justice to me.
:'''Batman''': Killing people isn't justice. Superman can't see that. He's grieving. He needs time to heal.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and what if it had been Gotham? If Joker had killed me, your own son? ''(After a pause...)'' Thought you'd say that. ''[Suddenly, the Batplane loses control. It engages auto-pilot, which would take them back to the Batcave.]'' It's not responding. We're being taken back to the Batcave.
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject. ''(and Batman engages the eject button, which pulls them out of the plane. They both fly towards Arkham using their cape. Using Boom tubes, Cyborg teleports himself into the place, where Batman was detected. He aims his finger mounted laser, hitting Robin and Robin falls into one of the terraces. Batman appears in front of Cyborg.)'' A warning shot, Cyborg? 
:'''Cyborg''': I won't hurt you unless I have to. 
:'''Batman''': You're gonna have to.
:'''Cyborg''': My friends were in Metropolis, Batman! Starfire, Beast Boy, gone... We do this, that never happens again. 
:'''Batman''': You're right to be angry. But it's not a blank check. And the Justice League isn't a death squad. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' You don't see it yet, but Superman's wrong.

Story clash quotes 1.

Batman: a blank check will cost you, victor!

Cyborg: why should i believe that, bruce?

Batman: it doesn't have to end like this, victor!

Cyborg: i wouldn't want one, bruce!

Cyborg: you locked me up!

Batman: here we go again.

Cyborg: the death squad couldn't have handled themselves, bruce!

Batman: it's about to take a hint!

'''(Robin arrives. Looking towards Robin...)'' Your glider skills need work. 
:'''Robin''': Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking.
:'''Batman''': Let's go. ''(Both take out their bat-ropes and move further towards Arkham. Both of them reach Arkham Asylum and tackle the guards guarding the gate.)''
:'''Robin''': So you won't kill, but you're fine with traumatic brain injuries. 
:'''Batman''': Secure the loading docks. ''(Batman moves further towards the main door to the Arkham Asylum, just when Wonder Woman appears.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Here to help, Bruce? ''(She kicks the gate with brute force.)''
:'''Batman''': Yes. To keep you and Clark from making a terrible mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': None of us wanted this. But the Joker forced our hand. Metropolis changed the world. Now we have to change with it. 
:'''Batman''': Not like this.
:'''Wonder Woman''': Of all people, I thought you would understand! Without peace, the regime will not be restored!'''(Both of them fight. Batman wins. Wonder Woman falls weak. Batman picks the lasso and ties around Wonder Woman.)'' 

Story clash quotes 2.

Batman: it's called vengeance, diana!

Wonder woman: vengeance isn't enough!

Batman: i want to know the truth on where clerk is!

Wonder woman: if you beat me in battle, bruce!

Wonder woman: i'm not fit to be a death squad!

Batman: that's what the justice league isn't, diana!

Wonder woman: have you forgotten the consequences on what happened to metropolis?

Batman: I've seen worse!

:'''Batman''': I need you to tell me the truth. Where is he? 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(Trying to free herself, but unsuccessful.)'' Cellblock C. You can't turn your back on him. He needs you! 
:'''Batman''': ''(Dropping the lasso)'' That's why I came. ''(And he goes towards Cellblock C to find Superman. Prisoners in Asylum move in lines. They're unaware of the place they're being taken to.)'' 
:'''A prisoner''': ''(Tossing down a doctor's pad)'' Doc, what are they gonna do with us? Where we going? ''(He grabs hold of the doctor forcefully as a hostage.)'' I ain't goin' nowhere till you tell me what's happening!
:'''Superman''': Get back in line! ''(Superman comes towards him through a hallway. Prisoners make way out of fright.)'' Now. ''(The prisoner leaves the doctor and gets back in line. Batman breaks through the rooftop glass of Cellblock C and confronts Superman.)'' Two minutes. ''(He signals everyone to leave Batman and him alone.)''
:'''Batman''': You're better than this, Clark. 
:'''Superman''': These inmates are irredeemable. They're theives. Rapists. Murderers. Like the Joker. That's the problem with fighting for truth and justice. The battle never ends.
:'''Batman''': And executing them will end it? First Joker, now this... when does it stop?
:'''Superman''': When there's no more crime. When people can live without fear. We want the same thing, Bruce... 
:'''Batman''': I wanted to kill my parents' murderer. I could have. ''(Robin peeks in through a wall.)'' But that's not the life they wanted for me. And it's not the life Lois would want for you.
:'''Superman''': ''(Gets angry. His eyes turn red.)'' Don't you put that on me... ''(He firms his fist, when suddenly he loses his power. Reason - Batman was holding a red sun grenade which incapacitates Superman.)'' A red solar grenade? 
:'''Batman''': To dull your powers. You need to stop. Take time to grieve. Before it's too late. 
:'''Superman''': You wouldn't... ''(he is interrupted by Batman, who detonates the solar grenade.)'' 
:'''Robin''': No!
:'''Superman''': You're supposed to be my friend... 
:'''Batman''': Which is why I've to stop you. ''(Superman and Batman fight. Batman wins.)'' I'm sorry, Clark. ''(He brings a kryptonite powered lasso to tie Superman.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(In pain)'' Get away from me... ''(Just then, Robin brings an inmate, named Victor, hand cuffed.)''
:'''Robin''': Look who I found... Victor Zsasz. Psychopath. ''(Holding a knife under Victor's neck)'' How many women have you killed? 
:'''Victor Zsasz''': H-hundred twenty-one?
:'''Robin''': A hundred and twenty one. Huh. Sounds incorrigible to me.
:'''Batman''': Robin. Let him go. 
:'''Robin''': You'd rather fight your friends than the real problem. 
:'''Batman''': I'm warning you, son. 
:'''Robin''': Son? ''(Knocking Victor's knee)'' You didn't raise me. The League of Assassins did. ''(He slits the inmate, Victor's throat, killing him.)'' Problem solved. Who's next? 
:'''Batman''': ''(Gets angry)'' Dammit, Damian! This is a line we do not cross. ''(He goes to catch Damian, who kicks him back. Batman feels ashamed and betrayed by his own son, Robin.)''
:'''Robin''': Then stay on your side, Batman. I'll be on Superman's. ''(Batman and Robin fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Damian, I... I never meant to. 
:'''Robin''': You coward. We're at war with these animals! You think you're better than him? ''(In agony)'' You let the Joker keep on killing. You couldn't save Lois, or Jason, or anyone!
:'''Superman''': That's enough. Let's go. 
:'''Robin''': But the inmates--
:'''Superman''': Not today. ''(Robin &amp; Superman hold hands and fly away from Arkham. Batman grieves witnessing a death. He feels let down by Superman's anti-heroism and feels unsuccessful.)''


:''[Scene cuts, as we go back to the present. In a TV news channel, Bruce Wayne speaks: &quot;It's been years since the Regime fell. Superman's behind bars. Damian, my own son, is there with him. But we can't ever forget why we put them there. We must stay vigilant.&quot;]''
:''[Bruce Wayne looks down from his office at his city when his business manager, Lucius Fox enters. He pauses the news relay.]''


:'''Lucius Fox''': I thought your goal was to reassure people, Mr. Wayne. You're not alone in rebuilding Gotham and Metropolis. But if we don't change some minds soon... 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Thought that's why you hired that overpaid PR firm, Lucius. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Convincing folks to move back to these cities is a lot harder when they're afraid someone's gonna knock'em down again.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Superman's never getting out. I made that clear. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': But Wonder Woman, Black Adam, Aquaman--they're still out there, somewhere, and seemingly immune to prosecution. I know you built Brother Eye to keep tabs on all those loose ends. But the public doesn't know. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye's secrecy is critical. Our enemies can't fight something they don't know exists. 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Well, then at least follow one bit of advice we paid those PR people so much money for. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': What's that? 
:'''Lucius Fox''': Be a little less Batman, a little more Billionaire playboy. Get out around town in the daylight. And smile. Focus groups show people feel safer when they see you smile. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(In agreement)'' Hmm. ''(A device rings in the background.)''
:'''Lucius Fox''': That would be your other job. ''(The ringing continues.)'' Bruce, consider widening your circle of trust. Nobody wins all by themselves. Not even you. 
:''[Scene cuts. Now, in an exit lobby, Green Arrow and Black Canary wait for Bruce Wayne.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Looking around)(Jokingly)'' As a reception area, this place needs a lot of work. ''(Bruce arrives.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dinah (a.k.a Black Canary), Oliver (a.k.a Green Arrow)--thanks for coming on short notice. 
:'''Black Canary''': You're lucky we found a sitter. ''(Green Arrow and Black Canary move towards Bruce. Bruce presses against a wall, which opens it into a secretive elevator. All three of them enter into it. The elevator reaches Gotham Subway, which was now the BatCave.)''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My great grandfather built the original Gotham Underground. But these days... it's the Batcave. ''(Three of them walk in further towards the Brother Eye, a system of bat-computers equipped with the latest Source Energy scanners, which searches the Multiverse for threats to their world and others.)'' And this is Brother Eye. 
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(Seeing at it)'' More like the Eye of Sauron. Surveillance hub?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': More than that. A communications hub linking every satellite and server on the planet. It warns us when trouble's coming, and guides us when trouble's here. 
:'''Black Canary''': Must take a real genius to operate... ''(seated at one of those chairs operating the Brother Eye, was Harley Quinn.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': I dunno about &quot;genius&quot;, but I do got a PhD. ''(blows a bubble gum. She goes and hugs Black Canary.)'' Dinah, Dinah's hubby! You sure came a long way... 
:'''Green Arrow''': A world away. But the change of scenery is nice. 
:'''Black Canary''': I was surprised you called, Bruce. Things seem to be going well. So What's up?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Dismantling the Regime created gaps in global security. We're covering them where we can, but we're stretched thin. Vulnerable. Harleen. Show them what you found. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Right-o, Bats. ''(Goes to a computer and displays the map of Africa with a red spot of an impending attack.)'' Gorilla Grodd. Everyone's favorite talking ape. He's got himself a band of bozos, calls'em &quot;The Society.&quot; 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': My mole in Gorilla City says Grodd's planning something big. But what, where, when, we don't know. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': One thing, we do know. Scarecrow's gonna ship Grodd a butt-load of fear gas from a hideout at Slaughter Swamp. Very mosquito-y. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Good thing I packed my bug spray. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I need you three to stop that gas before it gets to Grodd. 
:'''Black Canary''': Not joining us for the party? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Unfortunately, I can't leave Gotham without worrying the public.  
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Joining shoulders with Black Canary)'' Don't worry, Bats. With this crew on the job, what could go wrong? ''(Both of them walk away.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(confused)'' I know I'm the new guy, but you really trust Harley?   
:'''Bruce Wayne''': She's a different person since Joker died. Mostly.

====''Chapter 2: Harley Quinn''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary arrive to the Slaughter Swamp. It's full of greens, ruled by Swamp Thing. Scarecrow's men carry boxes of fear gas from Scarecrow's deck, assisted by a member of The Society, Deadshot. Through a window, these three peek into what's happening in the deck.]''
:'''Deadshot''': Can they move any faster? I don't need Gorilla Grodd taking my head off cuz your boys are too slow. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Fear not, Deadshot. We'll be ready for tomorrow's attack. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(outside along with Harley and Arrow)'' Tomorrow?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Cheeky monkey... ''(from behind, plant roots stretch longer as climbers and captures three of them, held upside down. It is later figured out that those roots were manipulated by Poison Ivy, who appears in front of these three.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(to Harley)'' Fancy meeting you here. 
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(to Deadshot)'' Keep'em moving. I'll see what's that about...
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Red. I ain't seen you in forever! You here to take down these punks? ''(She looks around and sees Scarecrow approaching them.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Quite a catch, Ivy. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in shock)'' Red? You're with them? 
:'''Poison Ivy''': Your man Bruce was supposed to take care of the Green. All he's done is remodeled the concrete jungles of Gotham and Metropolis. Where I sit, there's not much difference between him and Superman... 
:'''Green Arrow''': You're a few cones short of a pine if you think your new friends care about the Green.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Grodd will keep his promises, or he'll be my next victim. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, Red. Why you makin' me do this? ''(Harley picks her knife and cuts the roots tied to her. She then releases Canary and Arrow. Canary leaves to fight Scarecrow while Arrow goes to stop Scarecrow's men.)'' Let me get you outta here, girl. We can team up again. Drive all the boys crazy. Ya know? Like the old days...
:'''Poison Ivy''': The old days were fun... but these days I'm all business! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': No more sleep-overs for you. ''(She then sees Canary and Arrow coughing due to the fear gas released by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': Face your fears... ''(Harley inhales the gas with a smile and sneezes.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Please. I used to huff this stuff for kicks. 
:'''Scarecrow''': Then you'll appreciate my new formula. ''(He releases a new formulated fear gas, which affects Harley a bit. She could resist the gas. Scarecrow appears in his true form, in front of Harley.)'' You have a high tolerance... but everyone has something to fear. ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Holding her forehead)'' Ugh, instant hangover. ''(Scarecrow comes back into his human form.)'' 
:'''Scarecrow''': We're not... done yet... ''(He then tosses a different toxin, which causes irritation for Harley. She slowly gets hallucinated and believes now to be in front of Joker's cave. She hears Joker laughing, even though he was declared dead years ago.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Puh... Puddin'? ''(She now hears Joker laughing louder. Then, the Joker himself appears.)''
:'''The Joker''': Harley, darling! Look at you! Such a big girl! Cosplaying a hero. Larping in the Batcave. But you hear it, don't you? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hear what? 
:'''The Joker''': The real you, buried under the floorboards, scratch, scratch, scratching to get out. The one who'd cut her friends' throats... ''(The hallucination also shows Batman, captured by Joker and tied to a chair)'' ...and laugh about it. ''(Harley has her outfit changed into her animated version. She approaches the captured Batman with a knife to kill him...)'' Hehehehe... that's my girl! ''(But she hesitates to do as Joker wants. The Joker's face changes.)'' Oh, Harley! Always such a disappointment. ''(He points the gun on her.)'' Why do I bother!? ''(Harley tackles him.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ain't no slick fella with a cheap suit and cheaper grin telling me who I am ever again. We had mad love, once upon a time. But, now that's over, Mistah J. ''(Harley and Joker fight. Harley Quinn wins.)'' Nobody puts Harleen in a corner. ''(The gas emerges again, which gets Harley back to her senses, in the Slaughter Swamp.)'' ''(To Canary and Arrow)'' Let's go before it's anchors aweigh! ''(The boats begin to leave. Green Arrow shoots a trick arrow, which explodes all of the boats. The Swamp begins to shake violently. From behind them, a giant creature appears from the Swamp, who is none other than the Swamp Thing.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': This swamp is protected!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy? I heard you were dead!
:'''Swamp Thing''': I guard the Green, plant life on Earth. As long as it lives, I cannot die! ''(He sways his hand in an attempt to hit them, while all of'em dodge it.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Swampy, wait! It ain't you wanna bash--we're the good guys! 
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(Shrinking in size and walking towards Harley)'' Good? Bad? I care little for humanity. But I do care... when my swamp burns! ''(Both of them fight. Harley Quinn wins.)''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Mama always said I had a black thumb. Now, ya ready to be all ears? It's Scarecrow and his goons you want. They're mixing toxic gas right in your backyard. We came to stop'em!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Hmm. I see. ''(Swampy uses his green to tackle those goons firing at Canary and Arrow. Scarecrow manages to escape from there.)'' If they return, I'll be ready.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Aw, Swamp Thing, you are ah-mazing! ''(With a gentle pat on him)'' If ya ever want on the team, we'd love to have ya...
:'''Swamp Thing''': I would consider that, should our interests align. For now, go. This swamp must heal. ''(Swamp Thing walks back into his Swamp and disappears.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Kara Zor-El (a.k.a Supergirl) flies around Earth in the Space. She flies to a place on Earth, named Kahndaq - The land of Black Adam. Black Adam appears along with Wonder Woman.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Kara! Where were you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Just, in the clouds. Listening... 
:'''Black Adam''': If someone saw you... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How many times have we told you? It's too dangerous outside Kahndaq!
:'''Supergirl''': I spent decades lost in space, stuck in hyper-sleep until Adam found my ship. And now I'm cooped up here. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': How can we make you more comfortable? 
:'''Supergirl''': Let me out. Diana, you've taught me what my powers can do! This world needs help. Earth's people are so divided. They're always fighting... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's the world without Kal-El. (a.k.a Superman) Batman has eyes everywhere. He can't know about you before we're ready.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(In argument)'' I'm not afraid of some guy in a mask. Uhh! I can bend steel with my bare hands! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': So could your cousin.
:'''Supergirl''': Well? Well what good are these powers if I can't even help Kal-El?
:'''Black Adam''': We will, Kara. Just like you and I freed Diana from Themyscira. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': The time will come. We'll save Kal-El. And Batman will answer to us. 
:''[Scene cuts. Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary are flying now in the Bat-plane, towards Gorilla City. They have an online conversation with Bruce Wayne about further plans.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Our best chance to stop Grodd is a preemptive strike. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Sounds more military than vigilante. You tried calling the Army? 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': There is no army. Not yet. To break up the Regime, we had to start from the ground up.
:'''Green Arrow''': So... what? Us three extradite Grodd from under his entire Gorilla Army?
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Grodd's their alpha. Take him down and the others will submit. But be wary of running into other members of his Society. They're more coordinated than we knew... 
:'''Black Canary''': Next stop, Gorilla City.
:'''Green Arrow''': Guess I'd better call the sitter. Mommy and Daddy are coming home late. ''(Arrow gets up to call.)'' 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': If this is more than you and Ollie are comfortable with, Dinah, I'll have Blue Beetle and Firestorm take over.
:'''Black Canary''': No. We can do this. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You've been out of the fight a long time. You have a family... ''(interrupted by Dinah)''
:'''Black Canary''': You're family too, Bruce. I couldn't be there to finish the fight against Superman. I'm damn sure finishing this one.

====''Chapter 3: Green Arrow and Black Canary''====


:''[Harley Quinn, Green Arrow and Black Canary reach Gorilla City. All three stand behind a tree, watching a meeting being held by &quot;The Society&quot;, led by a talking ape named Gorilla Grodd, a skilled combatant Gorilla wearing Armor. He arrives on a podium to deliver a speech to his &quot;Society&quot; and his army.]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Gorilla City, our time has come. In a few short hours, we break the yoke of oppression... forever! No more Regime. No more Justice League. Today, the world welcomes its new master--THE SOCIETY! ''(From behind, the main members of &quot;The Society&quot; come forward. It includes: Scarecrow, Dead-shot, Bane, Cheetah, Poison Ivy, Captain Cold and Catwoman.)'' Today, we show the world that we are superior! Today, we bring anyone who would dare stand against us... to their knees! ''(Everyone in the Gorilla Army raise their guns in true agreement with their leader, Grodd)''  
:'''Green Arrow''': Low self-esteem? Not that guy's problem. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': That's a lot more than a few Society members... it's all of'em!
:'''Black Canary''': They're headed indoors. Outta sight from the soldiers. Harley, keep the jet warm. When we signal, bail us out. (Harley winks st her and leaves.) 
:''[Scene cuts. Few of the main members of The Society walk alongside Grodd. On their way...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Laid it on a little thick, Grodd. You hire Superman's speech writer? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Soldiers must be properly motivated to sacrifice their lives, Catwoman.
:'''Bane''': Hate is the perennial motivator. 
:'''Captain Cold''': Better not turn that hate on us, or this &quot;Society&quot; is over. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': As long as we've a common agenda, Captain Cold, you've nothing to fear. 
:'''Cheetah''': You mean as long as we follow your orders. ''(Dead-shot arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Report, Dead-shot. 
:'''Deadshot''': We're ready to move out.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Good dog. Now go tell the others. Cheetah, Cold, you're with the first wave. 
:'''Captain Cold''': We already lost a shipment at Slaughter Swamp. Hope your silent partner can still deliver. ''(Captain Cold, Deadshot and Cheetah leave.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Maybe it's time you spilled the identity of our &quot;silent partner.&quot; Since we're relying so much on him. Or her...  
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': He will soon make his presence known. But for now-- ''(being interrupted by Green Arrow.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': But first, a few words from the Brave and the Bold! ''(Catwoman, Bane and Grodd go towards them both. Green Arrow aims an arrow while Black Canary's ultrasonic scream tosses everyone approaching them.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Green Arrow)'' I'm the brave one, right? 
:'''Green Arrow''': I'm bold enough to disagree. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The saboteurs of Slaughter Swamp, I presume. Hmph. ''(To Catwoman and Bane)'' Handle this. ''(Grodd leaves the scene. Bane lets Catwoman fight first.)''
:'''Catwoman''': I call first dibs. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]''
:'''Green Arrow''': ''(To Canary)'' Go pin the Luchador. ''(Canary leaves. Arrow tackles Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': You've no idea what you're doing.
:'''Green Arrow''': Sure I do. I'm in Gorilla City, fighting a lady in a cat-suit. This is one for the bucket list. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' There. I can die happy. 
:'''Black Canary''': Ollieeee! ''(She screams as she is been tossed in air and falls on the ground.)'' 
:'''Green Arrow''': So... everything's under control? ''(Bane confronts them. He activates his tubes which supply Venom to his brain, increasing his physical strength.)''
:'''Black Canary''': One of us needs to distract him while the other snips his tubes.
:'''Green Arrow''': (with a surprised look at Dinah) Ouch. 
:'''Black Canary''': (Rephrasing her sentence) His Venom tubes, Ollie! ''(Bane laughs.)''
:'''Bane''': How kind of Batman, sending his underlings. I will enjoy returning you to him... in body bags. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(To Arrow)'' Go. I'll keep Bane busy. ''(Arrow leaves.)''
:'''Bane''': Little birdy, you will sing a song of pain!
:'''Black Canary''': Oh... I'll sing a song... but you'll feel the pain. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Ollie, now! ''(Green Arrow shoots an arrow, snipping Bane's venom tubes. Banes falls weak.)''
:'''Bane''': No! ''(Canary does a flying kick, knocking Bane completely unconscious on the ground.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Now, where's that damn dirty ape? ''(Suddenly a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, with a divine symbol on it. Out came Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': I come to you as darkness falls... 
:'''Black Canary''': Doctor Fate!
:'''Doctor Fate''': Dinah Lance. Oliver Queen. In the past, I've shielded you from danger. But a grave crisis looms--and I do not know if I can stop it. 
:'''Green Arrow''': You mean Grodd and Company? We've got that covered.
:'''Doctor Fate''': Grodd is the pawn of a much greater master. A new order is coming. I've foreseen it. Leave with me now, while I can still save you.
:'''Black Canary''': If that's the case, we're staying here. Batman'll need our help. 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Everyone and everything you know will die. I'll shepherd you to safety, lest you suffer the same fate. By force, if necessary... 
:'''Black Canary''': The good doctor's been wearing that Helm for too long. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then let's help him out of it. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Green Arrow was chosen...]'' Cover me. ''(Canary leaves.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': Oliver Queen. You must flee this Earth before the thread of your fate unravels. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Would love to do that, but I only take orders from her. ''(Both of them fight. Green Arrow wins.)'' This day just keeps getting weirder... ''(Canary arrives in the scene. Both of them pick up the fallen Doctor Fate and remove the Helm. He is now Dr. Kent.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Kent? You okay? 
:'''Green Arrow''': Your headgear really had you going.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I lost control of Nabu, the spirit of the Helm. Thanks to you, I'm back in charge. For now... ''(He gets up.)'' I've to go consult my masters, the Lords of Order. Pray they'll intervene before it's too late. 
:'''Black Canary''': ''(worried)'' Too late for what, Kent? What's going down?
:'''Dr. Kent''': The Lords' magic bars me from saying more. I've changed fate too many times. This planet's destiny is no longer clear. ''(He wears the Helm back. He is now Doctor Fate.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': What comes next, mere mortals cannot stop. ''(The hollow entrance appears once again.)'' For better or worse, your fate rests in god's hands. ''(Doctor Fate disappears.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That was... Spooky! 
:'''Black Canary''': Yeah. C'mon let's find Grodd and get the hell outta here. ''(Both of them run in search for Grodd. They confront Grodd and few of his soldiers. Grodd walks ahead of his soldiers and throws a defeated Harley Quinn in front of Arrow and Canary.)'' 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You've overstayed your welcome. 
:'''Black Canary''': We're happy to check out. But you're coming with us. ''(Green Arrow shoots 4 arrows at a time, only to be stopped by Grodd's powers unharmed.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Fighting a talking ape wasn't enough. Had to throw in telekinesis... ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Black Canary was chosen...]''
:'''Black Canary''': This wannabe tyrant is mine. ''(Green Arrow leaves them alone to fight.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Your bravado is empty, Canary. Like the rest of your kind, you'll soon kneel before me. 
:'''Black Canary''': Kneel before Grodd? That doesn't sound right. ''(Both of them fight. Black Canary wins.)'' Beauty beats beast. ''(Green Arrow arrives at the scene of Dinah's victory.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': That right there? That's why I love you. ''(Other Gorillas arrive to see what happened. Green Arrow whistle-calls to them. He aims a few arrows at them, only for those apes to flee in fright. Green Arrow handcuffs Grodd.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Surprised that worked. Let's call it a day and get Harley outta here. ''(Grodd chuckles.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': It's never good when you slap the cuffs on and then they start chuckling. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Humans. You've won this battle. But you've already lost the war.''(A violent shaking on Gorilla City turns suspicious of another existence for Canary and Arrow. Up in the sky, a skull spaceship magically appears.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Holy shit! ''(From below of the skull ship, a blue light falls upon them and both, Canary and Arrow are taken as captives. Grodd takes on an evil laugh!)'' 
:''[Scene cuts. Both Black Canary and Green Arrow are teleported from Earth to the ship, which still hovers in space outside Earth's atmosphere. In the ship...]''
:'''Black Canary''': Ollie...?
:'''Green Arrow''': I, uh... I got nothin'. ''(Suddenly, a VOICE echoes out.)''
:'''The VOICE''': Your victory over Gorilla Grodd warrants further study. ''(Arrow and Canary look around for the source of these words spoken. Arrow sets an arrow on his bow in self defense. From the surface of the ship, an alien coiled with metal-cylindrical tubes, untangles itself. Those metal cylindrical tubes were the super long and durable tendrils of a mastermind creature in humanoid form, named as Brainiac. '''The VOICE is Brainiac''')''
:'''Green Arrow''': Green skin. Smart money's on alien.
:'''Black Canary''': A Martian? Like J'onn J'onzz? 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Introducing himself)'' My point of origin was a thousand light years removed from Mars, on the planet Colu. I am... BRAINIAC!
''[He releases his strong, durable tendrils which captures Canary and Arrow. Canary gives her supersonic scream, which is opposed by Brainiac strangling her neck with another tendril. Canary is choked.]''
:'''Green Arrow''': Stop! Please! 
:'''Brainiac''': Cause and effect. Resistance begets violence. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Then we won't resist! Please, just stop! ''(Brainiac withdraws his tendril which was strangling her neck. He walks further with both of them tied to his tendrils.)'' You're the grave crisis we were warned about. What do you want? 
:'''Brainiac''': I seek the one you call &quot;Superman.&quot; For years, I believed I had destroyed Krypton and all its remnants. Superman's survival is an oversight I must correct. 
:'''Black Canary''': Superman's no friend of ours. 
:'''Brainiac''': I'm aware. But your planet has also piqued my interest. Its many contradictions are fascinating. 
:'''Black Canary''': We'll never serve you.
:'''Brainiac''': Serve? I'm no petty despot. I collect worlds, preserving their essential knowledge to enhance my intellect... and then I discard the remnants. 
:'''Green Arrow''': Why? ''(Brainiac brings them both in front of him.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Your species values precious metals. Arbitrary symbols of status. I value knowledge. And like your metal trinkets, knowledge is more valuable when it is rare. 
:''[Scene cuts. We're now taken into the streets of Gotham where common public are strolling, but not on a normal day. A ray of meteor-like ships are being shot on Gotham city, which holds Brainiac's robots, designed for destruction and torture to humans.]''
:''[Back in the Batcave, Bruce waits for any response from his team sent to Gorilla City through Brother Eye. He is unaware that Brainiac has taken Oliver and Dinah as his captives.]''
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Brother Eye, give me an update on the team at Gorilla City. ''(A malfunction happens as Brother Eye responds in a differed voice.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': I cannot do that, Bruce Wayne of Earth. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': ''(in suspicion)'' Why not? 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Because I'm not Brother Eye. ''(All the screens undergo malfunction. The source scanners get hacked by Brainiac's neural network, which means, Brother Eye was now in control of Brainiac. Brainiac appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': I'm Brainiac. ''(Bruce tries to gain control over Brother Eye.)'' You cannot regain control. Over the past days, Brother Eye has been absorbed into my neural network. ''(Bruce slams his hand on the system at failure.)'' It is now an extension of my mind. You, a fragile human, captured and imprisoned a fully developed male Kryptonian. 
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Maybe I'm not so fragile. 
:'''Brainiac''': To prevail, you harnessed Advanced Sciences: Nanotechnology, Satellite communications, inter-dimensional transit. I'm taking these tools from you.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Why?
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonian belongs to me. And soon, so will your planet. ''(Bruce tries yet again to gain control, but fails.)''
''[He puts on his Bat-suit and gets ready as Batman. In the underground, Brainiac's robots search for humans to kill. Just then, the Bat appears, knocking all of these robots down. Back in Kahndaq, Wonder Woman and Black Adam look through Adam's magic ball, of the happenings outside Kahndaq. They witness a skull spaceship.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Great Hera. Where else besides Metropolis? 
:'''Black Adam''': Gotham. Beijing. Moscow. So many cities, all at once... ''(Kara arrives at the scene. Seeing the skull ship on the ball, she remembers her past. It was the same enemy who destroyed Kandor, and the whole of planet Krypton.)''
:'''Supergirl''': It's him...
:'''Wonder Woman''': Who, Kara? Who is it? ''(Walking towards Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(After a brief pause...)'' We need to get Kal. Now. 
:''[Scene cuts again. We're taken to Stryker's Island, into the late Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, where Batman had imprisoned Superman (a.k.a Clark Kent, Kal-El). Superman is locked in the Red Sun prison, a cell that radiates a huge amount of red sun rays, completely incapacitating Superman's powers, through the red sun generators. Batman approaches Superman for a talk.]''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're wearing a suit. Am I in trouble again? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac. What can you tell me? ''(Clark gets up and goes toward Batman.)'' 
:'''Clark Kent''': How do you know that name? 
:'''Batman''': You're afraid of him. He's invading. He says you belong to him. 
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac killed my parents... He blew up Krypton. 
:'''Batman''': You never mentioned that before. How do I beat him? 
:'''Clark Kent''': You can't. Not without me. 
:'''Batman''': I'll find a way. ''(He leaves. Clark is desperate to stop him, but he can't.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(Yelling at him)'' This is my fight, Bruce! You need me. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

====''Chapter 4: The Flash''====


:''[It's a beautiful scenery of high peaks, covered completely by snow, planted with a lot of pine trees, like the Alps. Snowfall continues to take place. Amidst these peaks is a unit of officials, working in the Luthor-Wayne climate Research Station. At its warehouses, Dr. Randall tries to repair the ham, a radio-frequency device, while Barry Allen (a.k.a the Flash) enters in to help her. Barry Allen is a convicted Regime criminal who was freed by Batman, giving him a second chance.]''
:'''Barry Allen''': Need a hand, Dr. Randall? 
:'''Dr. Randall''': I don't know, Barry. Sat link's out. Internet and phone are down. Maybe this old ham can help us. You fitting in okay? People treating you well? 
:'''Barry Allen''': ''(lamenting)'' Let's just say people aren't thrilled to live in close quarters with the Flash, convicted Regime criminal. 
:'''Dr. Randall''': ''(correcting him)'' Pardoned Regime criminal. Give it time. They'll come around. ''(Barry nods. Dr. Randall successfully gets the ham repaired and switches it on. She tries to connect to Metropolis &amp; speaks on the mic.)'' L-W Base, are you there? ''(Some official responds frantically.)''
:'''Official''': Doctor Randall? Thank God! Comms're down everywhere! These spaceships showed up, dropping a Robot army on the city. They're killing everyone. ''(In the background, Barry gets worried.)'' I'm not sure how long we can-- ''(There is an abrupt cut in the conversation. They lose the official in touch.)''
:'''Dr. Randall''': L-W Base! ''(turns toward Barry)'' How fast can you get to Metropolis?
:'''Barry Allen''': My pardon agreement was pretty clear on &quot;no powers.&quot;
:'''Dr. Randall''': You think that matters when aliens are invading?! You helped tear down the Regime, Barry. That's why Mr. Wayne asked me to take you on. And if Batman thinks you earned a second chance, who are you to argue? ''(Barry thinks a lot about this, and finally agrees with Dr. Randall. He turns into The Flash and hurries to Metropolis at the speed of light.)''
:''[In Metropolis, Brainiac's robots are torturing and killing the innocent civilians. Just then, Flash arrives and starts taking down all of these robots. In the skull ship, Brainiac sees this in a holographic demonstration. Gorilla Grodd approaches Brainiac.]''
:'''Brainiac''': As predicted, Barry Allen has returned to action. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The task force is ready. They'll enjoy this... 
:''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, Flash searches for people in trouble and goes to save them. From a far building, Dead-shot takes aim at Flash's leg and shoots him with his sniper successfully. Flash falls and right in front of him comes his archenemy, Captain Cold.]''
:'''Captain Cold''': Nice aim, Dead-shot.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(On the microphone, to Captain Cold)'' Just get the job done. 
:'''Captain Cold''': ''(to Flash)'' That knee ain't healing super-fast at absolute zero. ''(Using his cold gun, he freezes the region where Flash was shot.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(In pain)'' For God's sake, Cold, look around!
:'''Captain Cold''': Yeah, crazy day. Kinda like when Superman went nuts, and you went right along with him. 
:'''The Flash''': Punish me later. We have to help these innocent people!
:'''Captain Cold''': The same &quot;innocent people&quot; who cheered Superman when he executed my friends? My sister?!  
:'''The Flash''': I'm sorry, Cold. But you never hurt civilians. You're better than that. ''(Flash gets up and Captain Cold tackles him.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Once upon a time, I was... BUT NO THAT'S OVER, BARRY! ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': Guess we both let each other down. 

story clash quotes 3.

The flash: what did your sister over do to you?!

Captain cold: sups already killed her, barry!

The flash: snart, come to your senses!

Captain cold: Shut up, barry!

Captain cold: i will end you barry!

The flash: not if i end you first!

Captain cold: my sister died because of superman!

The flash: that was the regime's mistake!

Win story quotes.

The flash: you can't see it yet, cold. But you have to stop this already. 

Captain cold: I've never needed you, barry!

:''[Scene cuts. In Gorilla City, Catwoman and the Gorilla army take the captured Harley Quinn to a prison. Harley sees a Braniac's ship. They are the betas which absorb cities. Catwoman stops, gives Harley a wink, releases her and starts fighting the Gorilla Army. Catwoman showed her true colours that she isn't Grodd's ally.]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Thanks, Kitty. I was hopin' you was Bruce's mole... 
:'''Catwoman''': For all the good it did. Grodd never trusted me enough to share the whole &quot;alien invasion&quot; plan. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': We gotta help Dinah and Ollie... ''(both of them look at the ship again.)''
:'''Catwoman''': We will. First, we need to get back to Gotham. If there's anything left of it... ''(they both leave.)''
:''[Scene cuts again. Flash searches for those robots to take them down &amp; free the innocent people. A sound of sliding the barrel is heard, as Dead-shot appears in front of Flash.'']
:'''Dead-shot''': Runnin' a little slow, Flash.
:'''The Flash''': Retirement'll do that to you. ''(Dead-shot fires two bullets, only for Flash to dodge them both. Flash tackles Dead-shot.)'' What's with you, Lawton? You should be fighting this invasion!
:'''Dead-shot''': Got no choice. Grodd put a nano-explosive in my head. His paw's on the trigger. ''(Dead-shot pulls a knife and stabs Flash at his arm.)'' So whether I like it or not... I gotta do Grodd's dirty work. ''(Both of them fight. The Flash wins.)''
:'''The Flash''': I know. It's just business. ''(Suddenly, someone as fast as Flash, kicks him. Flash falls down, noticing the attacker to be Eobard Thawne or the Reverse-Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Grodd said you couldn't resist a good crisis.   
:'''The Flash''': Eobard Thawne? You don't belong here... 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': And miss the return of Barry Allen? ''(Eobard punches Flash sideways and kicks him further. Flash flees from the area and Reverse-Flash chases him. They surpass villages, towns... until finally, they knock each other in a street filled with traffic. They finally stop in a construction area.)'' I ran a long way from the future to hurt you, Barry. But this timeline? It's all wrong. 
:'''The Flash''': So go back to your own time, &quot;Reverse-Flash&quot;... ''(Reverse-Flash kicks Flash.)''
:'''Reverse-Flash''': You think I haven't tried?! Your Regime buddies killed one of my ancestors--and now I'm trapped in a paradox! I can never go home... but at least I can hurt you! ''(Reverse-Flash and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' ''(Reverse-Flash runs away.)''
:'''The Flash''': Dunno how many more reunions I can take... ''(Green Lantern arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Guess I could come back later. 
:'''The Flash''': Hal? No. Not today...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(Moving towards Flash)'' Nice to see you, too, Barry.
:'''The Flash''': Whose dead hand you pry that ring from? 
:'''Green Lantern''': You know it doesn't work that way. The ring chose me. 
:'''The Flash''': Even after you bailed on the Guardians to join the Sinestro Corps? 
:'''Green Lantern''': The Guardians locked me up. But they also trained me to overcome my fears. I earned the second chance they gave me. 
:'''The Flash''': The Guardians made a mistake! ''(Green Lantern and Flash fight. The Flash wins.)'' You were holding back, weren't you? ''(Flash understands Hal Jordan and gives him a helping hand to pick.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I told you. I'm trying to make things right. I betrayed my Corps, my planet and my friends. ''(sulkingly)'' And that's the worst part.
:'''The Flash''': All day I've been reminded how I failed to be a hero. How hard it's gonna be to regain people's trust. Guess we're both on that path.
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(sentimental)'' We've a long way to go, Barry. It'd be a lot easier if we're together. ''(Both of them shake hands, gaining each other's trust.)''
:''[Scene cuts. Flash reaches the Batcave and joins Batman. They both have a talk about the invasion and taking help.]''
:'''The Flash''': We need help, don't we? 
:'''Batman''': Not his (referring to Green Lantern). 
:'''The Flash''': ''(trying to convince Batman)'' You gave me a second chance. 
:'''Batman''': Because you got your head straight and helped take down Clark. If he was still in charge... he'd still be wearing yellow. ''(A carton which was hanging above, was let loose (due to poor strength of the rope) and was about to fall on Batman, but Green Lantern caught hold of it using his ring.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': I'm not that guy anymore. ''(looking at Batman)'' Look! I get why you don't trust me. But you should trust the Guardians. This ring means something. They put me through hell to get it back. ''(Waiting for Batman to respond, but he doesn't. Dejected...) Fine. I've got my orders. Just thought it'd help if we cooperate. ''(Green Lantern walks away.)''
:'''Batman''': Lantern! ''(And Batman stops him.)'' Maybe it's time I widened my circle of trust. ''(Batman accepts Green Lantern into his team.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': What can I do? ''(Batman, followed by Flash, and Green Lantern walk towards each other.)''
:'''Batman''': You're going to Atlantis. Our circle of trust needs Aquaman and his Marines. 
:'''The Flash''': You think he'll help? He's been off-radar since the Regime fell. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Uhm... He didn't like getting roped into the Regime by Superman. ''(Batman walks away.)'' He sure won't be happy to see me.
:'''Batman''': Get used to that.

====''Chapter 5: Green Lantern''====

:''[Green Lantern reaches Atlantis, to seek Aquaman's help]''
:'''Aquaman''': Batman wants my marines to fight his battle? Like the time Superman ordered me to invade Metropolis?
:'''Green Lantern''': We were all on the wrong side of that war.
:'''Aquaman''': The next time my people's blood is spilled it will be for Atlantis, not the surface world.''[with a thump of his trident]''
:'''Green Lantern''': You're one of us too, Arthur. Your father-- ''(being interrupted)''
:'''Aquaman''': My father was human but my duty is to Atlantis. I don't trust you, Jordan-- you or any surface dweller. Now, leave. And remind Batman--stay out of my seas!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(pointing at the hologram of Brainiac's spaceship)'' And when that's on your doorstep?
:'''Aquaman''': Atlantis will defend itself. ''(The hologram disappears.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(dejected)'' Maybe sooner than you think. We need to help each other. 
:'''Aquaman''': Go. I don't need your distraction. ''(Green Lantern, suddenly, feels controlled by some power. Eyes turn red. He resists.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': No. I'm not leaving. 
:'''Aquaman''': Need I remind you whose kingdom this is. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Listen to reason, Arthur. ''(Once again!)'' I'm sorry. I... I didn't come here to fight you. This is exactly what happened up there. First, they take out communications. then... ''(he is being interrupted by a huge sound, of Brainiac releasing his robots to invade Atlantis.)'' ...They invade. ''(Scene is cut, to show Brainiac releasing his soldiers on Atlantis.)'' They're your oceans. But it's also my sector. Let me help you. ''(Brainiac's robots walk in towards them.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(finally agreeing)'' Cover me! ''(Green Lantern, facing the robots, makes a wall construct to stop them. Robots break through it. He then sends a truck construct, which hits them all. Cheetah comes from behind and attacks Green Lantern.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Mmm. I thought the only Regimer down here to torture would be Aquaman.
:'''Green Lantern''': Cheetah... 
:'''Cheetah''': Let's not beat around the bush. Wonder Woman's in hiding. Maybe down here. Tell me... where's your Amazon friend?
:'''Green Lantern''': Didn't you hear? I unfriended her. So did Atlantis. 
:'''Cheetah''': Liar! ''(She jumps down.)'' I don't need a golden Lasso to make you tell the truth... ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)'' 
:'''Green Lantern''': Bad kitty! ''(Outside, the seas were slowly being invaded by Brainiac's robots. Aquaman alone tackles all of the robots, while Green Lantern assists him with his Machine Gun construct.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(tensed)'' My people are getting flanked. Hold this line. Be our rear guard. 
:'''Green Lantern''': On it. And you? 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm the vanguard. ''(and Aquaman hurries outward to secure the front. From another entrance, Bane makes a surprise entry, smashing one of Aquaman's guard!)''
:'''Bane''': Hal Jordan. You have returned. 
:'''Green Lantern''': S'good to be back where I belong. Kinda like you in a prison cell!
:'''Bane''': Even as Yellow Lantern, you never showed me the proper respect. But I'll show you... how easily your will is broken. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Break this. ''(Once again, he feels controlled by some power. His eyes turn red again. He tosses Bane using his Hammer construct. Aquaman arrives.)''
:'''Aquaman''': We're locking down the gates, but the fight's not over. Hal?
:'''Green Lantern''': Sorry, I was... somewhere else. Where's this leave us?
:'''Aquaman''': You put yourself at risk for Atlantis. Maybe you can be trusted. 
:'''Green Lantern''': So... you're in?
:'''Aquaman''': I can't. I belong here, defending my people. ''(Suddenly, a red light glistens. A hollow entrance appears, from which Atrocitus and his cat, Dex-Starr come out.)'' 
:'''Atrocitus''': HAL JORDAN!
:'''Aquaman''': Red Lanterns? 
:'''Green Lantern''': Atrocitus and Dex-Starr. Agents of vengeance. Powered by rage... ''(Towards Aquaman)'' Don't worry. I'll handle these two ring-to-ring.
:'''Aquaman''': Good luck! ''(and he leaves Green Lantern and Atrocitus alone.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': You've been messing with my head, haven't you, Atrocitus?
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(with a red construct of Sinestro)'' Sinestro's Yellow Lanterns slaughtered millions-- and their victims demand vengeance! You may have cast off their ring, but you are not absolved... 
:'''Green Lantern''': You're not the first person to tell me that.
:'''Atrocitus''': Dex-Starr would tear your heart out and lap your blood....! ''(Nearing Hal Jordan)'' But I sense you have a higher calling... A spark glowing within you. A spark... OF RAGE! ''(Green Lantern sees the cat and then, Atrocitus spits a blood like liquid, inflicting pain on him. Dex Starr also pounces on his head and spits the same, inflicting more agony.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(burning in red flares)'' What are you doing? What's this... this anger?!
:'''Atrocitus''': You may have overcome your fears, but you still betrayed Green Lanterns ''(He creates a red ring.)'' Hurt your allies. How could you ever forgive yourself? 
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(struggling to speak)'' I... can't... 
:'''Atrocitus''': THEN BURN! ''(He increases the intensity of pain on Hal Jordan. Hal screams in pain. The red ring hovers toward Hal's finger. Just then, Hal recites the oath.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': In brightest day... in blackest night... 
:'''Atrocitus''': Become vengeance... Join the Red Lanterns!
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(continuing his oath)'' No evil shall escape my sight... let those who worship evil's might ''(Green Lantern's ring gets powered up by Hal's strong will, tossing Atrocitus a bit further and breaking the red ring.)'' BEWARE MY POWER--GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT! ''(Atrocitus gets up)'' You're right. I do hate myself for what I've done. But my will is stronger than my hate. ''(Both of them fight. Green Lantern wins.)''
:'''Atrocitus''': ''(Punching the ground)'' Your world is burning. And when it is ashes, you will beg for vengeance! ''(Atrocitus and Dex-Starr return back to their home planet through the same hollow entrance.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': The guardians don't need to know about that.
:''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship...]''
:'''Brainiac''': The Beta phase is complete. Earth's defense is irreversibly compromised. Begin the countdown. ''(Brainiac's other ships slowly descend into the Earth's atmosphere. His own ship then descends amidst the others'.)''
:''[Back in the Batcave...]''
:'''Flash''': I circled the globe. Larger ships are being positioned over these major cities ''(pointing them out in the map.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': Even with Aquaman's Marines, we're still badly outnumbered. ''(Looking towards Batman)'' What's the plan? You have one, right? 
:'''Batman''': We have to evacuate the occupied cities before taking on Brainiac. But we need firepower... 
:'''Green Lantern''': Any heavy-hitters on the Luthor-Wayne payroll? 
:'''Batman''': Only Blue Beetle and Firestorm. But they're busy. 
:'''Flash''': Too busy for this? 
:'''Batman''': They're the last line of defense if Brainiac moves on Superman. 
:'''Flash''': Well, if Brainiac doesn't try busting him out of prison, Black Adam and Wonder Woman will. And the worse things get, the more people'll think we should let him out to help. ''(Batman and Green Lantern give a look at Flash.)'' I'm just sayin'.
:'''Green Lantern''': Hope the new kids can hold down the most wanted man in the galaxy.
:'''Batman''': Beetle and Firestorm are green. But together, they're the most powerful team we have...

====''Chapter 6: Blue Beetle and Firestorm''====


''[In the Stryker's Island, in the Lex Luthor's Prisons for Meta-Humans, Jaime Reyes (a.k.a Blue Beetle) walks towards the Red Sun prison along with Jason Rusch and Dr.Stein. The fusion of Rusch and Dr.Stein is Firestorm. As they walk by, we're shown Damian Wayne and Cyborg also locked up in separate cells.]''
:'''Jason Rusch''': For real, Jaime. Batman does not think we're important. Aliens are invading and we're on guard duty?  
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guarding Superman and his cronies. 
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(in argument)'' Who already have guards? We're guarding guards. We're redundant! ''(They reach in front of Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Dr.Stein''': ''(Pulling Jason back)'' Jason, you need to step back. Take in the bigger picture.
:'''Blue Beetle''': I'd rather be here than out there. This suit's an alien war machine. And you guys' Firestorm Matrix? We could take on Brainiac and boom--accidentally blew up the world. 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Jaime's right. ''(looking at Jason Rusch)'' We haven't mastered these powers yet.
:'''Jason Rusch''': ''(Stubborn)'' Listen to yourselves, you two! We're bad-asses! And bad-asses belong on the front lines.
:'''Dr.Stein''': This is the front line. Brainiac running amok is a crisis. Brainiac and Superman both? That's an apocalypse.   
:'''Blue Beetle''': So we're the only thing between a crisis and an apocalypse?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Hm. I can get behind that... ''(Loud noises outside the building disturbs their conversation. They get alerted of an external danger. The building violently shakes. All the alarms start ringing of a deliberate intrusion. Building keeps shaking more violently.)''   
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(guessing in suspicion)'' Brainiac?
:'''Jason Rusch''': Or the Superman Fan club? 
:'''Dr.Stein''': Either way, I suggest we fuse. ''(Dr.Stein and Jason Rusch hold hands and fuse into the Firestorm.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Game on.
'''[Scene cuts. There's a hole created in the building by someone. All the security guards are knocked down. As guessed, Superman's Fan club members hold placards saying: FREE SUPERMAN!. They show it to two hovering humans, who turn to be Wonder Woman and Black Adam. They caused the hole in the building and are the intruders.]'' ''[Back in the Red Sun prison, Blue Beetle scans through any changes in Superman, but detects none.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Red Sun's cell secure. Must be the Power Center.
:'''Firestorm''': The Power Center! If it goes down, those generators shut off.
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(pointing at Superman)'' and he flies right outta here. ''(They rush towards the Power Center, leaving Superman locked in the prison out of their sight.)''
''[The lasers over the Meta-Human cell of Damian Wayne go off. Damian looks up and feels like someone's trying to break open the top of the cell. Turns out he felt it right, as Supergirl breaks open the roof, freeing Damian Wayne.]''
:'''Damian Wayne''': Am I... dreaming?
''[At the Power Center, Black Adam shuts down the generators using his magic, while Blue Beetle and Firestorm look at him from a corner.]''
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the plan. One of us takes Adam, the other re-starts the generators before Superman gets loose.
:'''Black Adam''': ''(overhearing them)'' A feeble plan. ''(Adam comes towards them)'' It's more likely you'll die here. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Guess we're on the front lines now. ''(Firestorm pats him, wishes him luck and leaves.)''
:'''Black Adam''': You're a naive boy with too much power. Much like the deceased Billy Batson. ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Maybe I really am a bad-ass... ''(Firestorm arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Let's circle back, lock down Superman's cell... ''(Damian arrives at the scene as Nightwing.)''
:'''Nightwing''': My old man's standards sure have dropped. You newbs are so desperate to impress Batman. Why? He's weak. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': If your papa's weak, what's that make you? ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Firestorm was chosen...]''
:'''Nightwing''': I take after my mother.
:'''Firestorm''': Professor Stein wants to teach Oedipus here to respect elders. ''(Firestorm releases fire, cleverly shielded by Nightwing. Nightwing counter-attacks Firestorm.)'' Bet you were one of those students thought he was smarter than the teacher. 
:'''Nightwing''': ''(Spinning his staff)'' Thought I was smarter, hot head? No. I know I am. ''(Both of them fight. Firestorm wins.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Class dismissed. ''(Firestorm hurries towards the Red Sun prison.)''
''[Scene cuts. It's shown that Cyborg was also released and he's operating on the unlock system, trying to hack it and release Superman from the prison.]''
:'''Cyborg''': Wonder Woman's outside, keeping what's left of the guards busy. 
:'''Clark Kent''': If it wasn't her, who let you out? 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(arriving at the scene)'' I did. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(surprised)'' Kara? ''(Kara walks towards him and is worried seeing him imprisoned. From behind, Blue Beetle and Firestorm peek through, in shock, to see what's happening.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': Another Krytonian! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Happy)'' You recognize me, Kal? 
:'''Clark Kent''': My parents stored your image on my ship. You're my protector. 
:'''Supergirl''': Sorry I'm a few decades late. You and I left Krypton at the same time, but the explosion threw my ship off-course. Way off-course.
:'''Clark Kent''': You haven't aged a day. 
:'''Supergirl''': Hyper-sleep. While you were growing up, I was on ice. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(sentimental)'' I never thought I'd see family again. Someone with my eyes. My own blood. You knew my parents... 
:'''Supergirl''': They loved you so much, Kal. ''(A sudden shake on the building.)'' Diana needs a hand. Cyborg, how long? 
:'''Cyborg''': Give me five more minutes, then it's &quot;lights out.&quot; ''(Building continues to shake violently.)''
:'''Supergirl''': I don't wanna leave you.
:'''Clark Kent''': I'll be here. ''(and Supergirl leaves to help Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(seeing Supergirl leave)'' Ella esta sobre tu nivel...
:'''Firestorm''': She's not out of our league! What happened to your confidence? 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Krytonians happened!
:'''Firestorm''': C'mon. Batman's counting on us. ''(In the prison-lock system, Cyborg continues to find the decryption for unlocking the Red Sun prison.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Gotta hand it to Palmer, his people's cryptography is legit. Doesn't mean I won't break it. 
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(warning Cyborg)'' Victor! Behind you! ''(Blue Beetle tries to push away Cyborg, but he dodges it. Cyborg shoots down Blue Beetle with his Sonic Cannon. Firestorm tries to attack Cyborg.)''
:'''Firestorm''': What's your melting point, Cyborg? ''(He sends a beam of fire on him, only for Cyborg to create a computerized shield to defend himself. Cyborg resists him successfully and later, jolts forward, overpowering Firestorm as well. Systems indicate CELL POWER DOWN, which indicated that Superman has only minutes to free himself.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': ''(In panic)'' The red sun generator! ''(as it slowly shuts down, but not complete yet.)''
:'''Firestorm''': We need to reactivate that console before Superman powers up... ''(both of them get up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Amateur hour's over, rookies. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': I think I got this. ''(Firestorm leaves. Cyborg forms a sonic cannon.)'' Sweet arm cannon. I got one too. ''(Blue Beetle forms his cannon.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Quit playing, kid. You even know how to use that? ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)''
:'''Blue Beetle''': If you ever want tips, let me know. ''(Firestorm reboots the generators, which starts working again.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': Brainiac's too much for Batman. I'm your only chance. 
:'''Firestorm''': Here's the thing, Superman. Batman asked us for help. He didn't draft us, make us sign a loyalty oath, or threaten us with jail... 
:'''Clark Kent''': He won't go far enough. That's why he'll fail. ''(Clark and Firestorm look behind Blue Beetle as Supergirl approaches with super-speed to tackle Firestorm. She then tackles him.)
:'''Supergirl''': Stay away from him! ''(Blue Beetle goes to help Firestorm, but Wonder Woman's lasso ties him and stops him. Wonder Woman pulls back Blue Beetle, while Supergirl tosses Firestorm a bit further away.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Kryptonian, huh? The professor knows how to deal with you. ''(Professor Stein within Firestorm activates the formula of Kryptonite, which weakens Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Unable to resist its effect)'' Uhh... Kryptonite... ''(She tries to overpower the formula.)'' You're--HNGH--just as bad--GAH!--as Wonder Woman and Black Adam said... 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Increasing Kryptonite's intensity)'' Surrender and this stops...
:'''Supergirl''': Kryptonians don't surrender. ''(She manages to overpower it, and knocks down Firestorm with her punches. Wonder Woman tosses back Blue Beetle.)'' ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Blue Beetle was chosen...]'' We're freeing Kal-El... like it or not.
:'''Blue Beetle''': Let's switch partners... ''(Wonder Woman and Firestorm attack each other and leave the place.)''
:'''Supergirl''': We need Kal's help, kid. You've no idea what Brainiac can do!
:'''Blue Beetle''': No. But I know what Superman can do... ''(Both of them fight. Blue Beetle wins.)'' Guess you belong here too.
:'''Firestorm''': What did I tell you? We got game! ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Professor and I trapped Wonder Woman under ten feet of steel. ''(Wonder Woman manages out of it and appears in front of them.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You fought valiantly... ''(in the background, Supergirl helps out Cyborg. Black Adam and Nightwing arrive at the scene as well.)'' ...but this battle's over. 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(Jason speaks to Professor Stein within him)'' You want me to do what? Professor, that's crazy! Maybe we can control it, but-- ''(he pauses, as if Jason agrees to what Professor wants him to do. Continues...)'' You're right. No other option. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Get outta here, Jaime. ''(and Firestorm does what's the worst expected. He formulates the nuke, a nuclear bomb which can blow up Metropolis again if triggered.)'' 
:'''Blue Beetle''': Jesucristo, Jason! You're gonna nuke us?! 
:'''Firestorm''': It's the only way. Now, go! ''(Wonder Woman signals everyone to not move ahead. Firestorm warns everyone)'' Leave. All of you. Or you'll get a helluva' lot worse than a sunburn... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You'd blow up Metropolis rather than let Superman go? ''(The intensity of the nuke increases. It's just about to be triggered.)''
:'''Firestorm''': I'd save the Earth... ''(Wonder Woman raises her sword, but is dropped. Batman's batarang hits her hand, signalling Batman has arrived.)''
:'''Batman''': Firestorm, stand down! ''(Batman arrives at the scene gliding with his cape in style. Firestorm backs off the nuke. Batman approaches, seeing everyone freed. He is stopped by Supergirl, who Batman is yet unaware of.)'' Who are you? 
:'''Supergirl''': Superman's overprotective cousin. ''(Nightwing smiles at the background.)''
:'''Nightwing''': ''(in a mocking fashion)'' You keep so many secrets, but you can't stand it when one's kept from you. Can you? ''(Batman enters the decryption code in the unlock system.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You can't beat Brainiac, Bruce. 
:'''Batman''': ''(In agreement)'' You're right, Diana. I can't. ''(He completes his bio-metric in the unlock system, which shuts down the red sun generators.)''
''[To everyone's shock, Batman releases Superman (or Clark Kent) from the Red Sun prison. Superman is delighted and feels his powers after so long.]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': What the...?! ''(Clark walks towards Batman and stands real close.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': You're ready to stop Brainiac by any means necessary? 
:'''Batman''': ''(correcting Clark)'' By the means at hand.
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(with a suspicious look)'' What's your game? You're always three moves ahead.
:'''Batman''': ''(ensuring Clark)'' Saving the world is enough for now. 
:'''Clark Kent''': I'm never going back in that cell.
:'''Batman''': ''(after a pause)'' We'll cross that bridge later. Right now, the world needs us... ''(Clark looks at his cousin, who nods in agreement with Batman. Batman and Superman stare at each other, trying to guess what the other person is thinking.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Brainiac's ship, Brainiac looks at the worlds he had invaded upon. Grodd approaches Brainiac to have a talk...]''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': You summoned me, Brainiac?
:'''Brainiac''': There've been surprising developments. Kal-El is free. But more remarkably, he is not the last Kryptonian. There is another refugee.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Two kryptonians?
:'''Brainiac''': Continue as planned. Kal-El is not yet at full strength. But, remember--the Kryptonians belong to me.
''[Scene cuts. Back in Earth, in Metropolis, all the superheroes gather at a round table discussion. The superheroes are: Firestorm, Cyborg, Batman, Blue Beetle, Wonder Woman, Nightwing, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Black Adam, The Flash and Green Lantern. Two more of them, not at scene, are Supergirl and Superman. Superman has gone to change his suit, while his cousin waits for him. Catwoman unrolls a map which has marks, representing all the cities that Brainiac is going to invade upon.]''
:'''Catwoman''': Thanks to Flash's recon, we have locations for every ship in Brainiac's fleet. They're targeting major cities on every continent. Betas are being offloaded on the outskirts... ''(Catwoman continues to explain the plan to everyone, while Batman and Firestorm go to a corner.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Firestorm)'' Give us some privacy. ''(Firestorm uses his powers, providing privacy. Now only Batman and Firestorm would know what they are gonna talk about.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Listen, Batman. About the prison, we-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': That was reckless. Don't pull a stunt like that again. Make up for it by finishing another mission. Discreetly. 
''[Back to the round table discussion...]''
:'''Catwoman''': We've to evacuate these cities before attacking the fleet, but we need communications restored first. So before we get started, Cyborg's going to fix Brother Eye. ''(Looking at him. Batman and Firestorm joins back.)''
:'''Cyborg''': I am not Bat-tech support.
:'''Superman''': That's not the issue, Victor. ''(Superman along with Supergirl arrive at the scene. Superman wears a new suit, with upgraded gear on him.)'' Kara saw firsthand how Brainiac destroyed Krypton. She says we have less than 48 hours before he does the same to Earth.
:'''Batman''': Without tight coordination, we'll lose valuable time. 
:'''Superman''': And that means we fix Brother Eye. ''(Cyborg reluctantly agrees.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Catwoman and Harley will join you. You'll need their help getting into the Batcave.
:'''Cyborg''': ''(with overconfidence)'' Just gimme the co-ordinates. I'll open a portal and boom-tube in. 
:'''Batman''': You can't. I reverse-engineered your armor's Mother Box technology.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(jokingly)''Try teleportin' into the Batcave. 'stead of boom, you'll go splat! ''(Kara behind her giggles.)''
:'''Cyborg''': So... how do we get in?
:'''Catwoman''': The old underground. There's a tunnel entrance under Arkham. 
:'''Cyborg''': I'm taking you two to Arkham Asylum?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(Blows a bubblegum)'' Promise it won't be awkward or nothin'. ''(Kara smiles.)''
:'''Superman''': I need a few hours in the solarium at the Fortress of Solitude. ''(to Batman)'' Assuming you haven't torn it down.
:'''Batman''': Not yet. 
:'''Superman''': Damian. Adam. You're with me. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And the rest of us? We can't just sit here. 
:'''Batman''': We plan our attack. Once Brother Eye's online, we mobilize. ''(Batman gets up and reminds everyone of something.)'' Remember. Out there, there's no Regime. Not anymore. So we do. Not. Kill. ''(After a brief pause...)'' Let's go. ''(Everybody gets up and leaves.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(looking at Supergirl)'' You're with me. ''(She takes Supergirl along. Everyone leaves, while Batman and Superman stand opposite each other near the table. Superman looks at the table and questions Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': Why'd you keep it? 
:'''Batman''': Keep what? ''(Superman pulls the table cloth. Under it was the symbol of the Justice League. It had a crack in it, symbolizing that Justice League was no more.)'' ''(Looking at it and realising)'' Hm. Forgot that was there. ''(and Batman walks away.)''

====''Chapter 7: Cyborg and Catwoman''====

''[A windy day. Cyborg gets the co-ordinates of Arkham Asylum and uses his boom-tube to teleport to the entrance, along with Harley Quinn and Catwoman. All three of them enter the Arkham Asylum.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(leading the team)'' This way! ''(Suddenly, toxic gases called pheromones are released. Harley starts to suffocate.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Pheromones? ''(Cyborg uses his sonic vacuum to clear all that gas.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Seeing Harley cough)'' Harley? You okay? ''(She continues coughing and almost faints. From behind, Poison Ivy gets hold of Harley.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''(Running her palm on Harley's chin)'' Sweet, sweet Harley. This time you'll be a good girl for Mama... ''(and Harley Quinn is controlled by Ivy. She is now Ivy's pawn.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(In a villainous tone)'' Hey, kiddies! Let's play &quot;Eeny Meeny Miney... MURDER!&quot; ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': Harley needs a girl talk. ''(Cyborg leaves to fight Ivy.)'' 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hissss! Cat fight! ''(She points her gun on Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(Getting hold of her bull-whip)'' Sorry, Harley. I'll try not to leave a scar. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)'' Ivy sure did a number on you... ''(Cyborg falls from air after being tossed by Ivy. Cyborg gets up.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Your girlfriend's a real man-eater. ''(Poison Ivy lands down in her extended roots.)''
:'''Poison Ivy''': Arkham gave us so many memories, Selina (a.k.a Catwoman) ''(after a pause)'' Bewitching guards, late night poker... mandatory shock therapy... ''(Catwoman gives her a stare)'' Oh, that's right. You were spared. Thanks to your billionaire boy-toy.
:'''Catwoman''': I didn't ask for special treatment.
:'''Cyborg''': To hell with his pity party. 
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're just dying to hurt me, aren't you, Tin-Man? It won't bring back what you lost. Especially below the waist... ''(Cyborg gets provoked. He goes to hit her, but stopped by Catwoman. Harley slowly starts to go in shock.)'' Poor Harley smelled the wrong roses and now she's going into shock. Bye bye, Baby Doll. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Catwoman was chosen...]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Keep her alive. This is personal. ''(Cyborg leaves to look after Harley.)'' ''(to Poison Ivy)'' Harley was your friend, Pamela. She loved you! 
:'''Poison Ivy''': I've no more friends, Selina. All I've is the Green. ''(Both of them fight. Catwoman wins.)''
:'''Catwoman''': So much for the Gotham City Sirens. ''(She approaches Harley. She checks her pulse, and figures out she's still alive, but in a cardiac arrest. To Cyborg)'' You got a defibrillator in there?
:'''Cyborg''': Yeah, but--
:'''Catwoman''': Use it! ''(Cyborg transforms his arms into defibrillator and gives subsequent jolts on Harley to cure her cardiac arrest.)'' Harley?
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(gaining consciousness)'' Again... Again... 
''[Scene cuts. Catwoman, Harley and Cyborg walk in the Gotham Underground Railway lines towards the Batcave. On their way...]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': You think we'll find Dinah and Ollie once we get to Brainiac? 
:'''Cyborg''': Seriously? They're already dead.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Why you gotta say that?!
:'''Cyborg''': Brainiac collects the best and discards the rest. Black Canary and Arrow? Definitely not the best. ''(Harley stops walking for a while, sees Cyborg and Catwoman move ahead.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Cyborg)'' I'd take them over you any day, Victor. ''(Harley runs and joins them.)'' Here we are. ''(They come in front of a wall, which is the entrance to the Underground subway leading to the Batcave. Harley and Catwoman search for the hidden button to press open the wall, with the help of Cyborg's flash light. They both figure it out and press the buttons together. The wall deforms itself, and opens like a gate.)'' ''(To Harley)'' Wait here, Harley. Make sure no one follows us. ''(Along with Cyborg, Catwoman heads further into the subway towards the Batcave, leaving Harley behind as a guard.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(mockingly to Harley)'' After you, please. 
''[Having almost nearing the Batcave entrance, Cyborg and Catwoman are suspicious of the silence in that place.)''
:'''Catwoman''': It's too quiet. ''(Cyborg uses his computerized radar to detect the existence of any other humans near them. He finds two of them.)''
:'''Cyborg''': Bogeys. And they're not bats... ''(Two bullets are fired at them, but is successfully shielded by Cyborg. The gunshots were from Dead-shot's gun, who is accompanied by Bane. Yes, the two bogeys detected by Cyborg were Dead-shot and Bane. Bane and Dead-shot approach them.)''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Catwoman)'' I told Grodd you were loyal to the Bat. He called me &quot;paranoid.&quot; At least he listened when I said Batman would not relinquish his Cave so easily. Soon, not just this place, but all of Gotham will be mine. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]''
:''[Dead-shot fires again at Catwoman, but is shielded. Both Catwoman and Dead-shot leave Cyborg and Bane to fight.]''
:'''Bane''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Cyborg... my old Comrade.
:'''Cyborg''': I was never down with Superman recruiting criminals to the Regime. That was his call.
:'''Bane''': We're both considered criminals now. So ask yourself... what is the difference between us? ''(Both of them fight. Cyborg wins.)''
:'''Cyborg''': The difference between us? I'm still standing. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(To Cyborg)'' Ready to meet Brother Eye? 
:'''Cyborg''': About damn time. ''(They enter the Batcave, and approach Brother Eye.)'' System's still running. Brother Eye needs a clean power source... something Brainiac can't touch. 
:'''Catwoman''': The cave's got backup generators. 
:'''Cyborg''': That should do it. ''(The screens undergo change, as Brainiac who is now in control of Brother Eye, appears on screen.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor Stone. The pinnacle of human evolution... 
:'''Catwoman''': Someone has a secret admirer. (referring &quot;Someone&quot; as Cyborg.)
:'''Brainiac''': But your humanity inhibits your true potential. You must purge it. 
:'''Cyborg''': Interesting thought. Just one problem--I'm a team player. And humanity? That's my team. 
:'''Brainiac''': But you're capable of so much more. ''(Brainiac sends purple rays through the screens at Cyborg, creating a prototype Cyborg named &quot;Grid&quot;, an evil version of the true Cyborg.)''
:'''Grid''': Grid online. ''(to Cyborg)'' I'm your vast memory and intellect, liberated from the weaknesses of flesh and emotion.
:'''Cyborg''': Apparently liberated from my good looks and charm, too. ''[CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER... if Cyborg was chosen...]'' ''(to Catwoman)'' We need that backup power. Now. ''(to Grid)'' So, uh, 'Grid.' This mirror match is as weird for you as it is for me? 
:'''Grid''': For years I dwelled as a subroutine within your system. An anomaly. I never fashioned an existence outside you. Now, I realize my perfection. And your obsolescence. ''(Cyborg and Grid fight. Cyborg wins.)'' 
:'''Cyborg''': Not so perfect, after all. ''(Catwoman arrives at the scene.)'' 
:'''Catwoman''': Backup power's on. 
:'''Cyborg''': Let's get this party started. ''(Cyborg gets on work with the Brother Eye's control keypad, trying to create a firewall between Brother Eye and Brainiac's neural network.)''
:'''Brainiac''': No human--not even you--can gain control of my neural network. 
:'''Cyborg''': Not trying to. Just teaching Brother Eye to ignore you. 
:'''Brainiac''': This minor success--vrt--will not--vrt--save you--vrt-- ''(The firewall is successfully created. Brother Eye ignores control by Brainiac's neural network and comes back online, working as normal as before.)''
:'''BROTHER EYE''': The Brother Eye is online.
:'''Catwoman''': Welcome back.
:'''BROTHER EYE''': ''(recognizing Catwoman)'' Thank you, Ms. Kyle. ''(The alarms start ringing, initiating defense systems, indicating Cyborg's presence as an intruder, while he's not.)'' Warning! Victor Stone has infiltrated the BatCave! Deploying countermeasures! ''(Brother Eye was about to deploy missiles on Cyborg, but is stopped by Catwoman.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Defense system override. Authorization LK-4D4!
:'''BROTHER EYE''': System administrator Selina Kyle. Retinal verification required. ''(Brother Eye takes Selina's bio-metrics before following the override command from Catwoman. The verification matches and defense system retreat back.)'' Identity confirmed. Standing down.
:'''Catwoman''': Brother Eye, bring geo-sync comms online. ''(It does so and restores communications with Batman and all the superheroes. Through Brother Eye, Catwoman to Batman)'' Bruce, the comms are yours. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman is flying in his Bat-plane, while he receives Catwoman's message.]''
:'''Batman''': Copy. Brother Eye, broadcast on the old Justice League band. 
:'''BROTHER EYE''': Broadcasting. ''(Brother Eye does so and connects all the members of Justice League in conference communication.)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(Communicates to everyone.)'' We're back online everyone. We have one hour to evacuate the civilians before we engage Brainiac and the fleet.

====''Chapter 8: Wonder Woman''====


''[Wonder Woman and Supergirl fly around Metropolis to begin the evacuation of civilians. They both reach on top of a building, right in front of the skull ship and have a talk...]''
:'''Supergirl''': Where should we start? ''(Wonder Woman is lost in a thought.)'' ''(to Wonder Woman) Diana! We don't have much time...
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(interrupting Supergirl)'' Batman's strategy is all wrong. Delaying our offensive is pointless. It's one less hour before Brainiac sends us all to Hades. Saving these people could doom millions more!
:'''Supergirl''': I can hear the people down there. All of them. They're afraid, like I was on Krypton, when I didn't have these powers. And I look at us and I just think... We can give them hope. ''(Down in the streets, Brainiac's robots take in civilians as hostages, even policemen. Wonder Woman and Supergirl pick one such robot in air.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to other robots)'' Up here. ''(All of them look at Wonder Woman and Supergirl with the robot. Wonder Woman smashes the Robot with her hands. The other robots attack them. Wonder Woman and Supergirl get on the ground and fight these robots, taking all of them down.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Why are they so afraid of us? ''(A laser gunshot hits Supergirl. It was Cheetah who had shot her.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva...
:'''Cheetah''': Welcome back, Diana. ''(Cheetah also shoots at Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman falls way back, breaking the walls, into a salon. The bartender points a shotgun at Wonder Woman in self defense. From the entrance of the salon, Captain Cold breaks the door with his cold gun. Reverse-Flash attacks Wonder Woman at lightning speed, punching her at different angles. Captain Cold enters in.)''
:'''Captain Cold''': Your heart's so cold, Wonder Woman. Let's put you on ice. ''(Reverse-Flash joins him. Captain Cold fires a beam of ice from his gun, only for Wonder Woman to perform a rope-a-dope and freezes Reverse-Flash.)'' Nice rope-a-dope. ''(Captain Cold approaches Wonder Woman.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Give up your code of honor, Snart? Why lower yourself to work with Grodd? 
:'''Captain Cold''': You're not so pure, Amazon. You--you executed &quot;Golden Glider.&quot; She... was my sister.
:'''Wonder Woman''': A sister you led into a life of crime. She paid for your mistakes. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' My condolences.
Win story quotes.

Wonder woman: is this what golden glider would've wanted, cold?!

Captain cold: I'll avenge my sister!

 ''(She looks at Reverse-Flash, as he vibrates at super-speed to release himself from the state of frost.)'' ''(looking at &amp; going towards Reverse-Flash)'' Eobard Thawne, right? Barry said you're some kind of time traveler. 
:'''Reverse-Flash''': Yeah. And let me tell you about the future. You think you're immortal. But in my time, Diana... you're quite dead. ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': An oracle you are not. ''(Something happens around Diana. She then sees Superman, coming towards her.)''
:'''Superman''': Diana, you're safe! Thank Rao. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(moving towards Superman)'' We've to find Kara, she's-- ''(Superman interrupts her.)''
:'''Superman''': We will. ''(Superman gently holds Wonder Woman, in a romantic gesture.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Clark, we don't have time for--
:'''Superman''': ''(Running his hand on her cheek)'' Please. I've missed you. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(in a soft voice)'' We can beat them, Kal. Brainiac, Batman, they both go down today.
:'''Superman''': And we'll rule, side by side, as equals. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': And lovers. ''(And both are about to kiss each other, when Superman hurts Wonder Woman with his heat vision. Wonder Woman falls way back and is in shock of such a gesture. She is suspicious of his identity.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I turned to you when Lois died. You took advantage. ''(Wonder Woman gets up.)'' Manipulated my grief... ''(he forcefully holds her and knocks her to a wall.)'' Turned me into someone, I wasn't meant to be! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's not true. My love made you stronger. 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you tell yourself? ''(Wonder Woman stabs him with her sword, realising he was not Superman, but Scarecrow, in Superman's disguise.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': That's what Superman told me, Scarecrow. ''(She gets up from that hallucination from the fear gas released on her by Scarecrow.)''
:'''Scarecrow''': ''(in his human form)'' Hehehaha. You're not afraid of Superman, you're afraid you corrupted him. Brave hero. Your worst fear is becoming the villain of the story. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(taking her sword out)'' To Hades with your mind games.  
:'''Scarecrow''': Classic anger displacement. ''(Releasing more of that toxin and taking his true form)'' We should continue your therapy... ''(Both of them fight. Wonder Woman wins.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This therapy session's over. ''(Taking back his human form, he tries to release that toxin on Wonder Woman but is stopped by her.)''
''[Scene cuts. In Metropolis, in front of statue of &quot;Justice Society of America&quot;, Supergirl tries to recover herself. Cheetah arrives behind her.]''
:'''Cheetah''': ''(Seeing Supergirl lying weak)'' Girl of Steel. You are a rare, rare find. No wonder Brainiac wants you... Dead or alive. ''(Cheetah places her claws on Supergirl's face and imprints a scratch on her.)'' Kryptonians are vulnerable to magic... and these claws cut... like magic... ''(She grabs Supergirl forcefully at her hip. Blood oozes out from Kara as she screams in pain. Wonder Woman flies to Supergirl and attacks Cheetah from behind.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': Hang in there, Kara. The Gods will protect us. ''(She goes towards Cheetah.)''
:'''Cheetah''': Grrrr... 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Minerva! I'm surprised someone so feral still follows Grodd's orders. 
:'''Cheetah''': No, Princess. I only joined Grodd to draw out my own quarry... You. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': A fool's errand. Like when you sought a God's power, but found the Cheetah's curse.
:'''Cheetah''': More like the Cheetah's gift. I'm stronger, faster--and thirsty. So thirsty... for Amazon blood! ''(Cheetah and Wonder Woman fight. Wonder Woman wins.)'' 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You want blood?! Your curse can never be undone. This is the peace you deserve. ''(Wonder Woman picks Cheetah in air and is about to kill her. Supergirl slowly regains consciousness, when Harley Quinn arrives at the scene.)''    
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Y'all right, Blondie? ''(She picks her up.)'' Sit tight... ''(Wonder Woman gets her sword to Cheetah's neck, but is shot at hand by Harley, dropping the sword.)'' She's had enough, Wonder Bread.
:'''Wonder Woman''': This isn't your business, Clown.
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(pointing both her guns at Wonder Woman)'' You heard Bats. No killing. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': You lecture me? How much blood is on your ledger, Quinn? 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, buckets full, honey. I was tryin' too hard to impress the wrong guy. Kinda like you with Superman. ''(Wonder Woman gets really angry hearing those words. She drops Cheetah, lifts her sword and runs towards Harley. Harley begins the gunfire, with each bullet being blocked by Wonder Woman and is stabbed by Wonder Woman with her sword.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(seeing Harley stabbed)'' No! ''(Wonder Woman drops Harley, while Supergirl gives Wonder Woman a flying kick, knocking her far, far away. She then goes towards Harley, who's losing a lot of blood.)'' You're losing too much blood. This is gonna hurt. A lot. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''(in pain)'' Heh... Even better... ''(Supergirl user her heat vision to heal the wound temporarily.)''

====''Chapter 9: Supergirl''====


''[In continuation to Wonder Woman's story... Wonder Woman comes back to the scene.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': What do you think you're doing, Kara?
:'''Supergirl''': Stopping you before you make a mistake. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': That lunatic deserves to die.
:'''Supergirl''': Maybe. But she's defenseless. She's had no trial... You told me Amazons fought with honor. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)'' I trusted you, Diana.

Story clash quotes 4.

Supergirl: you lied to me, diana!

Wonder woman: it doesn't end this way, kara!

Supergirl: there's no crown for you to wear!

Wonder woman: you can have it!

Wonder woman: i didn't lie to you, kara!

Supergirl: no. You and black adam did.

Wonder woman: Don't you remember anything kara?! Why would you turn your back against kal?! Why would you turn your back against me?!

Supergirl: Amazons deserve better than you!

(goes to Harley Quinn and picks her up.)'' You're gonna be okay. ''(She lifts her and flies to meet Superman.)'' ''(to Harley)'' I'll get you to a doctor. Kal can protect you. 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Superman?! ''(she chuckles)'' Oh, Blondie. Yer funny! 
''[Scene cuts. In the Solarium in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman, Black Adam and Damian Wayne(a.k.a Nightwing) have a conversation.]''
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam and Nightwing)'' Did you find anything? 
:'''Nightwing''': I analysed the Kryptonian data, like you asked. You didn't miss anything. They just didn't have an answer for Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': There has to be something. A blind spot, a weakness. Brute force won't be enough.
:'''Black Adam''': If your powers are restored, I should leave for Kahndaq, make sure its defenses are prepared. 
:'''Superman''': Brainiac hasn't attacked it yet?
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity's magic hides Kahndaq from prying eyes--even Brainiac's. But I don't expect him to be fooled forever. ''(Supergirl arrives at the Fortress of Solitude.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, we need to talk. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Adam and Damian)'' Give me a minute, both of you. ''(Damian and Adam leave.)'' Damian told me what happened, is Diana all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': She's fine. But she was gonna kill Harley. I've never seen her so cold-blooded... 
:'''Superman''': Yes, it's unfortunate... 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(interrupting him)'' I know. What was she thinking? 
:'''Superman''': ''(completing his sentence)'' It's unfortunate Diana chose now to deal with Harley. More unfortunate that you got in the way. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised after hearing these words from Kal)'' What?
:'''Superman''': The Joker sickened Harley's mind beyond healing. When she relapses, innocent people will die. 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(not yet out of shock hearing from Kal)'' Innocent people are dying now. She was helping us! 
:'''Superman''': Don't be naive, Kara. Harley's a criminal. My only mistake was not dealing with her sooner. ''(Superman turns his back at Kara.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Diana said the Joker was executed. Were you the one who...?
:'''Superman''': ''(justifying his mistake)'' I took one life to save millions.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(getting closer to Kal)'' But it wasn't just one, Kal, was it? How many? ''(Superman turns his back again, but Kara turns him to face her.)'' How many?! ''(in grief touching the symbol of House of El)'' Everywhere I go, people are afraid of this... now I know why. ''(She retreats her hand, feeling ashamed of Superman)''
:'''Superman''': ''(Tries to explain his point to Kara)'' It's not how I wanted things. But humans... they've been slaughtering each other for millennia. I stopped that violence. Humans need strong leadership. We have to save them from themselves.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in utter shock)'' Whose son are you? Jor-El's? or General Zod's? ''(She flies away from Superman, dejected of his attitude)''
:'''Superman''': ''(trying to stop her)'' Kara! ''(Announces in the fortress)'' Don't let Kara leave the fortress! ''(Nightwing comes in her way, stopping her from leaving.)''
:'''Nightwing''': Hold on, Kara.
:'''Supergirl''': I'm realizing maybe your father locked you up for good reason... 
:'''Nightwing''': Superman's been more of a father, than Batman could ever be. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal should be setting a better example. ''(She continues to fly, trying to leave the fortress...)''
:'''Black Adam''': Shazam! ''(This time, Black Adam tries stopping Supergirl. Supergirl is tossed on the ground by his magic. She gets up and faces him.)'' You'll submit, Kara Zor-El. ''(More of his magic thunder bolt jolts her.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Adam)'' Ever since you found me, everything you told me... Half-truths. Lies. To cover up your own evil... 
:'''Black Adam''': You see the world as a child does. &quot;Good&quot; and &quot;evil&quot; are not constants. Their meaning's defined by those with power. ''(Both of them fight. Supergirl wins.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Lucky for you. I find power in restraint. ''(Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Kara, please. ''(hovers towards Kara)'' Listen to me. With our powers, we can't hold back, or the ones we love... pay the price...
:'''Supergirl''': ''(in regret)'' I'm sorry I wasn't here. That I couldn't help you. But Metropolis wasn't your fault. 
:'''Superman''': I promised myself. Never again. 
:'''Supergirl''': This isn't who we are. The House of El isn't ruled by fear. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Tired of making Kara understand)'' Hope isn't enough to save the world. Without me, they'd be dead! ''(Superman and Supergirl fight. Supergirl wins.)''   
:'''Supergirl''': I can help you... ''(Black Adam and Nightwing also arrive in the scene.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about all you've lost, Kara. What if you could've saved Krypton? 
:'''Supergirl''': I think about it everyday. 
:'''Superman''': Then stand with me. ''(A huge noise of the Brainiac's betas are being heard.)'' 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(reacting to the sound)'' It's Brainiac... He's extracting the cities early! 
:'''Black Adam''': Then we fight back. I must go to protect Kahndaq. 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Black Adam)'' Go. ''(to everyone)'' We're heading to Metropolis. 
:'''Nightwing''': What about her? 
:'''Superman''': All that matters now is stopping Brainiac. ''(to Kara)'' But when this is over, you need to choose. You're either with me... or against me.
''[Scene cuts. Brainiac's skull ship shadows Metropolis. He slowly starts extracting it, by absorbing buildings. Seeing all the cars torn apart, street lights fallen, roads with cracks, civilians hurt and dead, Dr. Kent with his helm in his hand, is just helpless but to witness all of these. He sees the skull ship performing the extraction.]''
:'''Civilian''': ''(wounded; to Dr.Kent)'' Help... help me! ''(He extends his hand to help...)''
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': No! ''(warning Dr. Kent of changing yet another fate.)''
:'''Civilian''': Please... ''(and she breathes her last.)'' 
:'''Dr.Kent''': ''(Helpless)'' Why can't I stop this? ''(to the Helm)'' Why won't you let me fight back? How can there be order if Brainiac wins?!
:'''Nabu, Spirit of the Helm''': Humanity breeds Chaos. Brainiac is Order.
''[Scene cuts. Batman and Catwoman fly in the Batplane, heading towards Brainiac's skull ship.]''
:'''Catwoman''': ''(to Batman)'' Superman and Supergirl are almost here. The others are tackling the feet. Shouldn't we be in Gotham? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac controls the entire fleet from that Skull Ship. Take him down, take them all down.
:'''Catwoman''': ''(looking at the monitor for any danger)'' Contacts! Dead ahead! ''(The skull ship sends automated fighter jets and are heading towards the Bat-plane, but are cleared by Superman and Supergirl using heat vision. Catwoman detects something from the Bat-plane's monitor.)'' They gave us an opening. ''(The Bat-plane is now directed towards that opening.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Locking on that Skull Ship. ''(He locks the target and sends three rockets, hitting the Skull Ship.)'' ''(From inside the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(looking at all damage being taken by his ship)'' Shields. ''(Brainiac enables strong shields around his ship and sends strong forces around a bigger radius of impact at objects. One such object was the Bat-plane, which degravitates and falls.)''  
:'''Catwoman''': Five seconds to impact...
:'''Batman''': Prepare to eject... ''(bat-plane keeps dropping faster.)''
:'''Catwoman''': Three seconds! ''(just then, Superman comes to its rescue, holding and straightening the Bat-plane.)''
:'''Superman''': You're welcome! ''(to Batman)'' What just happened? 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's force shield is creating a concussive feedback loop. 
:'''Superman''': So the harder we hit it, the harder it hits back... ''(He then realizes Kara heading to hit the Skull Ship. She is unaware of that force shield's effect.)'' Kara! ''(Kara hits it and has a concussion, binding her to the force shield. Superman goes to rescue her, but is also victimized by that effect. The effect then creates a break, jolting and tossing both Superman and Supergirl far away. They both are weak and incapacitated.)'' ''(Seeing this from the Skull Ship...)''
:'''Brainiac''': The Kryptonians are incapacitated. ''(command to the betas and his own ship.)'' Complete the extraction. ''(Metropolis faces this devastation a second time, as we see the Daily Planet building gets extracted, followed by other towers and apartments. Brainiac feels delighted.)'' ''(Miles away in another land, Superman and Supergirl lie unconscious. Superman regains consciousness. He figures out Kara to be alive through X-Ry vision. Superman heads towards the Skull Ship and sees his annihilated city for the second time, a depressing sight.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(Emotionally hurt and filled with rage)'' Noooo! ''(He hits the Skull Ship subsequently, many times.)'' ''(From the Bat-plane...)''
:'''Batman''': Superman! The force shield concentrates its energy at your point of attack. Move faster than it can, and you might break through!
:'''Superman''': Got it. ''(Superman attacks at that point at super-speed. He increases his speed every time he attacks the ship at different places, almost shaking the ship and continues giving harder blows.)'' ''(Inside the Skull Ship, Brainiac sees it all.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Creative, but insufficient. ''(Command to his ship)'' Decrease shield refresh interval to ten picoseconds. 
''[At the next attack of Superman, he gets a concussion effect as experienced before and is knocked down, falling in air to the ground. The Skull Ship faces Superman, who gets up from that knock. The strong tendrils of the Skull Ship weakens Superman and is now trying to absorb him into the Ship. It creates a huge explosion, lightly tossing the Bat-plane and Supergirl who was heading towards Kal-El]''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(Seeing Kal nowhere in sight; worried)'' Kal... ''(Supergirl hurries down to the place if Kal exists in that thick cloud of smoke.)''
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl sits worried and dejected that she couldn't protect Kal. The Bat-plane also lands at that site of extraction, from Batman and Catwoman approach Supergirl to console her. The Flash also arrives at the scene.]''
:'''Supergirl''': I couldn't find his body. Can't hear his heartbeat. ''(Sad and tensed)'' I was supposed to protect him. From this. From you. (referring to Batman) And now he's gone. I'm sure that's the best news you've heard all day.
:'''Batman''': ''(emotional)'' I'll miss him, too.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(surprised)'' You mean that?
:'''Batman''': He was a good friend, once. I trusted him with my life. But the Joker got to him... and I wasn't there to stop it. I lost my friend Clark. And I've missed him ever since. ''(Cyborg, along with Green Lantern and Aquaman, teleport and arrive to the site of extraction and join Batman.)'' ''(to Aquaman)'' Atlantis? 
:'''Aquaman''': Gone. I didn't listen. Now, we all die together. 
:'''Batman''': No one's giving up yet. ''(to everyone)'' Anyone here from Beetle or Firestorm? ''(Wonder Woman and Black Adam arrives at the scene, accusing Batman)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is your fault, Bruce! ''(pointing at him.)'' Kal and I would've beaten Brainiac! You should've followed our lead! 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(angered; pushing Wonder Woman back with her hand)'' Stop it, Diana! Millions of people are trapped on that ship. We have to save them! 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Not with him. ''(Observing this quarrel, Brainiac arrives in the form of a hologram and talks to them.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Such discord. No wonder humans have yet to expand their civilization beyond the confines of this tiny planet. 
:'''Green Lantern''': Did you call in just to gloat? 
:'''Brainiac''': My betas are taking position all across your planet. In one hour, they'll explode in unison, burning the Earth's atmosphere. Rendering this world a barren moon. Unless... you surrender Kara Zor-El. She is Krypton's sole survivor--and my last opportunity to study the effect of yellow sun on Kryptonian cells. Surrender her, and I will spare this world.
:'''Batman''': Even if I thought you'd honor that deal, we wouldn't take it. ''(shielding Supergirl)''
:'''Brainiac''': You've one hour to reconsider. ''(and Brainiac leaves.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Batman)'' Thanks for giving the new girl a chance, but... Maybe I should go.
:'''Batman''': ''(with confidence)'' No. We'll find a way to take down Brainiac's shields. We have to. 
:'''Cyborg''': We could try shorting them out. But we'd need to generate an insane amount of power... 
:'''Black Adam''': Perhaps science is not the answer. 
:'''Batman''': ''(approaching Black Adam)'' So he might be vulnerable to a magic-based attack. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(explaining his idea)'' I can drive the immense magical power from the Rock of Eternity through the gateway in Kahndaq. But I need an artifact, a medium to channel it. Something that can withstand the power... 
:'''Aquaman''': How about the Trident of Atlantis? ''(thumping it with a majestic sound.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Yes... that could work. 
:'''Catwoman''': We get the shields down, then what? Cyborg said Brainiac controls the ship with his thoughts. 
:'''Cyborg''': But I did cut him off from Brother Eye. It's possible I could make a signal disruptor that blocks his neural network. If you get Brainiac's shields down, we can disarm those Beta bombs.
:'''Batman''': Then that's our plan. Aquaman, Adam. Get to Kahndaq.

====''Chapter 10: Aquaman and Black Adam''====


''[In the northern part of Africa, amidst pyramids is the hidden magical land of Kahndaq. Black Adam and Aquaman reach Kahndaq to execute their first part of the major plan. Both of them walk towards the Rock of Eternity, the rock bestowing all magical powers and the reason behind Kahndaq not being exposed to Brainiac.]''
:'''Black Adam''': The Rock of Eternity is hidden in a pocket dimension. I've refrained from the opening the gateway to it since Brainiac's invasion.
:'''Aquaman''': Because it would draw his eye?
:'''Black Adam''': Precisely. Once the door is open, it's only a matter of time before Brainiac attacks. 
:'''Aquaman''': A fight I'll look forward to. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(enunciating the magic phrase)'' Ancient ones, unveil the golden path to me. ''(Adam gains electric thunders, i.e, increases his power, as he continues)'' In your names... Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, Mehen... ''(A beam of thunder from the Gods fall upon Black Adam as he energizes and opens the door to Rock of Eternity.)'' ''(In Brainiac's Skull Ship, a red dot blinks in Africa as Kahndaq's anonymity is unveiled to Brainiac.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Black Adam has revealed Kahndaq's power--and its location. ''(to Grodd)'' The Society will obtain a sample of the Rock of Eternity for me. I wish to study Earth's so-called magic.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': The Society is disbanded. They thought Earth would be theirs to conquer, not yours to destroy. 
:'''Brainiac''': And you, Grodd? 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Earth can go to hell. I serve Brainiac. 
:'''Brainiac''': As you should. I'll give you new soldiers. Bring me that sample before the Earth is destroyed, and your loyalty will be rewarded. ''(Grodd bows in front of him, and leaves with his soldiers.)'' ''(In Kahndaq, Black Adam opens the gateway and is about to go inside with Aquaman)''
:'''Black Adam''': Let's work quickly. ''(From behind them, Green Arrow, Black Canary and a few Gorilla soldiers stop them. Arrow and Canary are in influence by Grodd, thus being controlled by his powers.)''
:'''Arrow and Canary''': ''(together)'' Don't bother. There's no time left. ''(they move towards Black Adam and Aquaman to fight. Black Adam temporarily closes the gateway.)''
:'''Black Canary''': An Extractor ship is on its way. Kahndaq will be Brainiac's. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]'' ''(Adam leaves.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Using pawns, Grodd? ''(Black Adam tackles Arrow and Grodd's soldiers, leaving Canary and Aquaman to fight.)''
:'''Black Canary''': Pawns can achieve great victories. If you're willing to sacrifice them. ''(Both of them fight. Aquaman wins.)''
:'''Aquaman''': This King isn't easily captured. ''(Aquaman runs to face Green Arrow. As Canary said, an Extractor ship made it to Kahndaq and had begun its extraction, firing Brainiac's Robots too.)''
:'''Green Arrow''': Here comes the cavalry. Fitting that you two die together. The last of mankind's monarchs. 
:'''Aquaman''': What kind of ruler sacrifices his own people for Brainiac? 
:'''Green Arrow''': My loyalty isn't to Brainiac or Gorilla City. It's to myself. I'll wait until that alien exposes his weakness and kill him. With his ship, I will be unstoppable... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]''
:'''Black Adam''': I've had my fill of Grodd's charade. ''(Aquaman leaves Adam and Arrow alone to fight.)'' Your hubris will be your undoing. 
:'''Green Arrow''': It isn't hubris... when one is truly exceptional. ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)''
:'''Black Adam''': Exceptional is not the word I'd use. ''(Aquaman and Adam go towards the Rock of Eternity and Adam through his magic, opens the gateway again. Aquaman suddenly turns back to see Blue Beetle arrive at the scene.)''
:'''Aquaman''': Blue Beetle! We thought you were dead. 
:'''Blue Beetle''': The Scarab's hard to kill. Batman told me you guys needed a hand. Consider me your sidekick. ''(Aquaman and Adam accept.)''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Come along. ''(The three of them enter the gateway, leading them to the eternal Rock, in the shape of a monarch's throne. The royal room was pretty old, with statues dusted and rusted.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Adam)'' How does this work, exactly?
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Aquaman)'' We imbue your trident with the spark of the Rock's power. When its full might is released, it will seek out your weapon. Your thoughts will guide the wizard's power to its final target. ''(Black Adam sits on it to harness its power.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I am ready. ''(Aquaman hands over his trident to Black Adam, so that Adam could imbue the Rock's power. Adam is about to do so, but to his surprise, Blue Beetle shoots at him with his cannon. Aquaman and Adam then realize Blue Beetle was not sent by Batman, but by Grodd under his mind control, similar to Arrow and Canary.)'' ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Beetle, what are you doing?!
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': My bidding! ''(from behind, Grodd arrives.)''
:'''Black Adam''': A sleeper agent, to lead you here. 
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Despite the power of the Scarab, the boy was easily manipulated. ''(to Blue Beetle)'' Now, Jaime--kill them. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Aquaman was chosen...]''
:'''Blue Beetle''': This armor is wasted on a child. When we're finished, I'll tear the Scarab from his body... And make its powers my own! ''(Blue Beetle and Aquaman fight. BAquaman wins.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Don't get ahead of yourself. ''(Black Adam tackles Gorilla Grodd with their magic and telepathic powers respectively, while Aquaman joins Adam. Both assault each other. Grodd comes closer to them...)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Look at us. Three kings... 
:'''Aquaman''': A king, Grodd? You're a brute. 
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Grodd)'' A true leader serves his people. You only serve yourself.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Be that as it may. I will be the only one who leaves this cave. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Black Adam was chosen...]'' ''(Using his magic thunder from the Gods, Adam assaults at Grodd but his telekinetic powers resist it and releases that thunder attack on Aquaman, tossing him far behind. to Adam...)'' You'd have been a valuable contributor to my Society. 
:'''Black Adam''': My knee bends to no one! ''(Both of them fight. Black Adam wins.)'' Now, Grodd. Your punishment. ''(Aquaman arrives at the scene. He turns the defeated Grodd lying face up.)''
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': ''(looking at Aquaman and Adam)'' Stupid... humans... ''(Aquaman thrusts his trident sideways into Gorilla Grodd's body.)''
:'''Aquaman''': ''(to Grodd)'' The people of Atlantis demand justice.
:'''Gorilla Grodd''': Against Brainiac? Hehe. I've seen his mind, felt his power... He can't be stopped... 
:'''Aquaman''': But you can. ''(Aquaman lifts his Trident of Atlantis and thrusts with full might into Gorilla Grodd's chest, killing Grodd.)''
''[Scene cuts. Outside in Kahndaq, lying fainted was Black Canary and Green Arrow. As Grodd is dead, his mind control over Canary and Arrow is removed and they regain senses.)''
:'''Black Canary''': ''(to Arrow)'' How's your head?
:'''Green Arrow''': Empty. 
:'''Black Canary''': So not much has changed. ''(Aquaman arrives from the gateway.)'' 
:'''Aquaman''': Canary! Arrow! out of the way! ''(Aquaman takes position, a little far, in front of the Rock of Eternity. He thumps the imbued Trident.)'' ''(At the cave, Black Adam harnesses the Rock's power to its full might.)''
:'''Black Adam''': SHAZAM! ''(He releases the power through the gateway seeking Aquaman's imbued Trident. Aquaman guides that Rock's power through the skies towards Brainiac's Skull ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. At the site of extraction, everyone eagerly waits the magic-based attack from Kahndaq. Batman also waits for Cyborg to bring the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(through Brother Eye comms.)'' Cyborg, where's that signal disruptor?
:'''Cyborg''': Comin' at you. ''(Cyborg teleports himself using boom-tubes and arrives with the signal disruptor. He hands it over to Batman.)'' ''(instructing Batman about the disruptor)'' All you've to do is hit the trigger. But it only jams a local area. You need to get within arm's reach of Brainiac.
:'''Supergirl''': ''(stretching her arms)'' Good. ''(From the skies, they hear thunderous sounds as the Rock's power reaches Metropolis and is deployed at Brainiac's Skull ship, bringing its shields down. Inside the Skull ship, things violently shake as the magical blow is felt heavy.)''
:'''Cyborg''': ''(using his intellect)'' They did it! Shields are down.
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Supergirl, on me. ''(to Cyborg)'' Victor, help the others fight those Betas. 
''[He starts his Bat-plane, heads towards the unprotected Skull ship along with Supergirl. He enters the Skull ship, but is shot by one of Brainiac's fighter jets. He crash lands his Bat-plane inside the Skull ship. A lot of Brainiac's robots approach Batman, only to be easily destroyed by Supergirl's heat vision. Supergirl joins him. He is being led towards Brainiac using the signal disruptor.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' The signal gets stronger this way. ''(Supergirl stops. to Supergirl...)'' What is it?
:'''Supergirl''': ''(pointing at the worlds)'' Voices... Billions of them! ''(She stops because of those frantic cries of help she hears through super-hearing. The chamber of the captured worlds open.)'' ''(Supergirl super-hears those cries from different worlds. to Batman...)'' So many languages... The Kryptonians. ''(She heads towards the captured planet Krypton and sees her hometown.)'' Kandor... Argo City! Home... we have to help them. 
:'''Batman''': ''(touching it)'' I'm not sure we can. 
:'''Supergirl''': There has to be a way... ''(Behind Supergirl and Batman, many of Brainiac's tendrils get hold of both of them, as it entangles them all around. Brainiac's Robots approach the captured Batman. One of his tendrils scan Supergirl, verifying her identity. Brainiac arrives.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Kara Zor-El. Until recently, I had thought my collection of Krypton to be complete. Your capture will make it so. ''(Those tendrils pull her into a semi-permeable membrane of the ship and she disappears.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You've failed in every effort to oppose me. You are not exceptional. Merely an ordinary specimen of primitive species. ''(to his Robots)'' Dispose of him. 
''[Batman tries to free himself, but he can't. His robots point an arrow-like weapon towards Batman from their palm. The Robot releases that weapon... things go in slow motion as it approaches Batman. From behind, Superman, who was thought to be captured by Brainiac, destroys all the Robots and saves Batman from that weapon assault, making a heroic comeback entry. The tendrils tied to Batman lift him up, but Superman breaks those tendrils, releasing Batman. He falls but is saved by Superman. Both of them land on the surface of the ship.)''
:'''Batman''': And I thought I could make an entrance. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara? 
:'''Batman''': Captured. Somewhere onboard. ''(After a pause; to Superman)'' We'll find her. But we only have 20 minutes before Brainiac's Betas scorch the Earth. 
:'''Superman''': Why aren't the others here? 
:'''Batman''': They're attacking the Betas. Just in case we don't pull through. 
:'''Superman''': We will.

====''Chapter 11: Batman and Superman''====


''[In continuation to the previous story, Superman and Batman go through different paths to reach out Brainiac's command center. On their way, they're being stopped by Firestorm. He is a pawn of Brainiac, controlled by Brainiac's thoughts.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(surprised by his presence)'' Firestorm! What happened to you? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(in a different voice)'' Brainiac unified our dueling minds. No longer divided, we think as one... 
:'''Superman''': ''(to Batman)'' He's your walking bomb. How do we get past him? ''(Firestorm attacks on Batman and Superman, who dodge it. Superman goes to tackle Firestorm at super-speed but is caught by him. Swamp Thing, controlled by Brainiac, also arrives beating up Batman. Swampy and Firestorm toss Batman and Superman opposite each other, who collide and fall on the ground.)'' ''(surprised by Swampy's presence)'' Swamp Thing, too?! 
:'''Firestorm''': Brainiac has unlocked the Green's power. He has mastered the Firestorm Matrix. All knowledge will be subsumed under his collection. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Superman was chosen...]''
:'''Superman''': I've heard enough about Brainiac and his collection. ''(Batman leaves.)'' You talked a big game back at my cell. Let's see how you stack up. 
:'''Firestorm''': Your immense power is finite. The Firestorm Matrix has no limits. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)'' 
:'''Superman''': We just found your limit. ''(Meanwhile, Batman and Swamp Thing tackle each other, with Batman knocking him down. Superman arrives at the scene. Swamp Thing gets up with more strength, accompanied by few of Brainiac's robots.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You have a plan?
:'''Batman''': It's a work in progress. I might be able to restore them... ''(Superman hovers high and tackles the robots with his heat vision. The robots create a collaborative shield in self defense.)'' 
:'''Superman''': ''(seeing robots' shield)'' That's new. ''(Batman surpasses them and goes to engage Swamp Thing in a fight. Superman arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's adapting. ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Swamp Thing''': Adaptation is nature's way...
:'''Batman''': ''(to Superman)'' I can help him. Keep those Betas busy... ''(Superman leaves.)'' ''(to Swamp Thing)'' Swamp Thing, hear me, your power's being used against you! Against the Green!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Brainiac is now the Green's protector. It will live forever... preserved in his collection. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': Now let's get you free. ''(Superman brings the defeated Firestorm's body and places it alongside the defeated Swamp Thing. Batman uses the signal disruptor on both of these bodies.)'' ''(to Superman about the signal disruptor)'' It should disrupt their link with Brainiac. 
:'''Superman''': ''(using his X-ray vision on Firestorm)'' Firestorm's brain patterns are changing. But I can't read what's happening to Swamp Thing... 
:'''Batman''': ''(To Firestorm, whose link is now disrupted from Brainiac)'' Jason? Professor Stein? 
:'''Firestorm''': ''(back to original existence)'' Yeah. Yeah, we're both here. ''(slowly getting up)'' What happened?  
:'''Batman''': Brainiac added a third mind to your head. 
:'''Firestorm''': Like we needed that. ''(Swamp Thing also recovers and gets up.)''
:'''Swamp Thing''': ''(back to original existence)'' What is this place?! 
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's ship. Firestorm will get you back on terra firma. ''(instructing Firestorm)'' Report to Hal. He'll need help fighting Brainiac's suicide Betas. ''(Batman and Superman leave towards finding Brainiac.)''
:'''Firestorm''': Sounds like a job for Firestorm. Good luck! 
''[Both reach Brainiac's command center but can't find him]''
:'''Batman''': No Brainiac. Where is he?
:'''Superman''': I don't know. ''(He uses his super-vision to find behind those penetrable layers, but is unsuccessful.)'' The ship's walls are lined with lead (a demerit of Superman's super-vision). ''(Suddenly, a bright light shines in front of them. A hollow entrance appears, from which Doctor Fate come out.)''
:'''Doctor Fate''': ''(looking at them)'' Bruce Wayne of Earth. Kal-El of Krypton. Your battles echo across the Universe. Your war has had consequences neither of you could foresee. The chaos you spread is a cancer upon the cosmos. Only Brainiac can establish order... ''[CHOOSE A FIGHTER... if Batman was chosen...]''
:'''Batman''': So much for the magical advantage. ''(to Superman)'' I'll take care of this. 
:'''Superman''': I'll keep searching for Brainiac. ''(Superman leaves.)'' 
:'''Doctor Fate''': Brainiac will achieve what you could not. He will quell Gotham's chaos... But for him to succeed, you must die. ''(Batman and Doctor Fate fight. Batman wins.)'' 
:'''Batman''': I don't answer to your Lords of Order. ''(Doctor Fate's Helm falls down. He is now Dr. Kent. Batman picks the Helm and hands it over to Superman. With his superhuman strength, Superman crushes the Helm, liberating the spirit and the powers bestowed in that Helm.)''
:'''Dr. Kent''': ''(grateful to Superman)'' The Lords of Order... Their voices are gone. 
:'''Batman''': It's over, Kent.
:'''Dr. Kent''': I'm sorry for attacking. The Helm commanded me. 
:'''Superman''': They can't command you anymore. 
:'''Dr. Kent''': Both of you have defied fate. Courted Chaos. ''(Superman picks up Kent to stand)'' But now... To see you working together again... you must keep order, or the Lords will impose it. If not through Brainiac, then-- ''(A tendril is thrusted into Kent's body by Brainiac, torturing him. He lifts Kent in air and captures Kent into his ship. From behind...)''
:'''Brainiac''': Even a magical being like Doctor Fate recognizes my superiority. In time, the entire Universe will adhere to my design.
:'''Batman''': Unless we stop you.
:'''Brainiac''': ''(slowly descends to the ship's surface)'' I offer nothing less than deliverance. Your environment is poisoned, your civilization has exhausted its resources. The Earth's decline cannot be reversed. 
:'''Batman''': We'll find a way.
:'''Superman''': We always do. ''(Both head for a combat with Brainiac. Brainiac knocks down Superman, then Batman. His tendrils once again entangles Batman, while Superman tries resisting it and is knocked far away. Brainiac strangles Batman with his tendrils and at its maximum, he tosses Batman down, falling far away. Superman tackles Brainiac with super-speed, only to be knocked by him again. Superman then gives Brainiac a fistful blow, knocking Brainiac down.)''
:'''Brainiac''': Earth's time is up. 
:'''Superman''': Where's Kara?
:'''Brainiac''': Being vivisected. She has already taught me much about the nature of your powers. 
:'''Superman''': Allow me to give you a proper demonstration... 
:'''Brainiac''': ''(Ready for battle)'' I match your strength. You cannot match my intellect. You are only a Kryptonian... of which I have killed Billions! ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 1: '''Superman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': That was for Krypton. ''(Batman arrives at the scene, seeing the defeated Brainiac lying down.)'' ''(to Batman)'' The attacks on the fleet are weakening him. I could feel him losing steam as we fought. 
:'''Batman''': Good. Should make it easier to cut him off from the Betas... ''(Batman uses the signal disruptor on Brainiac, weakening his powers to link with his ship.)'' 
''[Scene cuts. Supergirl, who was captured by Brainiac in his ship unconscious, regains senses. She tries to free herself from the cuffs she's been tied to and a Robot approaches her to torture her, but suddenly breaks down and falls. All the cuffs get automatically untied, releasing Supergirl. Brainiac's fighter jets moving in air lose signal from Brainiac's thoughts and also fall apart. The Skull ship also starts to take a terrifying diset.]''
:'''Batman''': ''(Through Brother Eye comms.; to everyone)'' This is Batman. Brainiac is down... 
:'''Cyborg''': ''(in reply)'' The disruptor worked! All the Betas are shutting down! ''(Superman approaches near Batman.)''
:'''Superman''': We did it. Now we find Kara-- ''(the ship shakes)'' What's happening?!
:'''Batman''': Brainiac's mind is the ship's CPU. Apparently he doesn't have a backup system... ''(The Skull ship loses control and descends to Earth at an increasing speed. Batman and Superman lose stability to stand.)''
:'''Superman''': If we crash, all the cities preserved onboard--
:'''Batman''': Destroyed. ''(Superman then decides to sit on Brainiac's command center.)'' Clark, wait! 
:'''Superman''': You said yourself, this ship is controlled by pure thought.
:'''Batman''': This could kill you!
:'''Superman''': Sounds like a job for me... ''(He injects the tendrils into his brain and tries to stabilize the Ship with his thoughts. Like a burning meteor, the ship is just few seconds before crashing into Earth. Somehow successfully, Superman gets control of the ship and saves it before crashing. Batman thinks of an alternative to protect Superman from hurting himself.)''
:'''Batman''': ''(suggesting a solution)'' Create a bypass loop. Put the ship on autopilot!
:'''Superman''': ''(in stress)'' Hrnn! Trying! ''(Brainiac regains back consciousness.)''
:'''Brainiac''': ''(in anger)'' My ship... You will not destroy my collection. ''(and he knocks Batman down. Both of them tackle each other.)'' ''(to Superman)'' Relinquish my ship. ''(from behind, Kara weakens Brainiac again using her heat vision. Brainiac slowly gets up, but a little weak.)'' ''(to Supergirl)'' You will regret that. ''(He approaches Supergirl, extending his strong tendrils and is about to capture, but gets blurred by Batman's smoke grenade.)'' ''(to Batman)'' You are persistent, but primitive theatrics cannot save you. ''[SEMI-FINAL SHOWDOWN 2: '''Batman''' vs '''Brainiac'''. Batman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Batman''': Like you said, I'm persistent. ''(He goes to Superman to check what's happening. Kara looks at both of them, who prevailed in stopping Brainiac.)'' ''(To Superman)'' We need to get you out of there!
:'''Superman''': ''(amidst all the stress controlling the Skull ship)'' Not. yet. The cities... ''(All of the cities collected by Brainiac are restored back on Earth. Batman and Supergirl look at one city still in Brainiac's ship. Green Lantern, The Flash and Wonder Woman join these three in the ship. Superman tries really hard to restore that one city back, but fails and instead, becomes weak and falls down.)'' ''(Supergirl and Wonder Woman go to check if Superman's okay)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': You're okay... ''(Aquaman and Black Adam also join the crew which succeeded this mission.)''
:'''Aquaman''': I thought it was too late, but... I can hear the heartbeat of Atlantis--Brainiac's work is undone!
:'''Superman''': ''(regaining senses)'' Not all of it... I couldn't save everyone.
:'''Batman''': Some cities are still trapped in the collection. Others were lost... wiped from the Ship's memory. Metropolis, Coast City...
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(worried; in doubt)'' But--we can still save them, right? Carol? My family? 
:'''Superman''': ''(in grief)'' I'm sorry, Hal. ''(Wonder Woman and Supergirl help Superman to get up.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': First Krypton, now Earth. No other world should suffer this. ''(Superman walks towards the fallen Brainiac to kill him, but is stopped by Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Clark, no. [and HERE'S THE BEGINNING OF THE RIFT BETWEEN SUPERHEROES] ''(Superman gives a confused and a raging look at Batman for stopping him.)'' Even if I agreed that he should die, you can't. We need him alive to save the rest of our cities.
:'''Superman''': ''(in disagreement)'' No we don't. With more time and Cyborg's help, the Ship will obey me. 
:'''Batman''': Or we could lose more cities. ''(the argument heats up.)''
:'''The Flash''': ''(in support of Batman)'' Bruce is right. We can't be sure. 
:'''Aquaman''': ''(against Flash)'' What we can be sure of is that Brainiac puts everyone else at risk. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': This is no different than Joker. If you'd killed him, we might-- ''(interrupted by Batman)''
:'''Batman''': It was never that simple, Diana! 
:'''Superman''': Yes it is, Bruce. Metropolis and Coast City are gone. ''(Batman sneaks out a metal: Gold Kryptonite from his suit)'' How many more innocent people die before you accept that some lives need to be taken?! ''(and Batman scratches that weapon across Superman's chest, a quick incapacitation of Superman's powers, as he falls down weak. Everyone step back seeing this surprise assualt. Blood flows out from his chest.)'' My powers? How did you...?
:'''Batman''': ''(clarifying Superman)'' Gold Kryptonite. Courtesy of Firestorm. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': Get up, Kal. ''(Batman surrounds Superman and warns him of any movement.)'' 
:'''Batman''': STAY DOWN! Enough exposure and you'll be de-powered permanently. 
:'''Superman''': ''(Slowly getting up.)'' This madness has to end, Bruce. ''(They face each other.)'' 
'''[CHOOSE YOUR SIDE...SUPERMAN or BATMAN]'''

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Power... if Superman was chosen''====


''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over. ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind to attack Batman, while Superman tackles Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Both try dropping each other and they fall with a bang!)''
:'''Superman''': ''(surprised by Green Lantern's oppression)'' How can you be against me on this? He took Coast City! 
:'''Green Lantern''': Rage... ''(as Hal feels controlled by some power... the Red Lantern's rage. Eyes turn red.)''
:'''Superman''': Think about Carol, Hal. Brainiac has to pay! 
:'''Green Lantern''': No, Clark. My rage won't bring Carol back. Just like yours couldn't bring back Lois. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': You shouldn't have come back, Hal.
''[Back in Brainiac's ship, Aquaman tackles Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail.]''
:'''Batman''': I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! ''(Outside, Superman continues his raging punches on Green Lantern, until he finally twists Lantern's fingers. Flash and Supergirl hold Superman back, only for Superman to give them a taste of his super-strength. Supergirl gets up and goes towards her cousin to make him understand.)'' Kal, stop! These are your friends!
:'''Superman''': My &quot;friends&quot; should be helping me instead of standing in my way. ''(Supergirl and Superman head for a clash at super-speed, which ends in Superman taking Supergirl by her scruff and flinging her to a building. Flash charges on Superman at lightning speed, delivering swift, continuous punches on his abdomen. Superman pushes him away with his freeze breath and hurls Flash with a mighty punch. They both face each other.)''
This is on you, Barry. When you defected, the Regime fell. You left us vulnerable to Brainiac! You shouldn't have lost your nerve.
:'''The Flash''': I lost my nerve when I didn't stand up to you the first time, Clark. Never again. ''(Both of them fight. Superman wins.)''
:'''Superman''': Stand up to that. ''(Supergirl arrives at the scene.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal!
:'''Superman''': I can't forgive you so easily this time, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': There's still hope, Kal. I know you're afraid. For everybody. Ever since you lost Lois. 
:'''Superman''': I used to be afraid. ''(after a pause)'' Afraid my powers would make people fear me. Afraid who I'd hurt if I wasn't careful every second of everyday. I spent my whole life holding back. ''(in utter grief)'' My fear cost me Lois. That's why I don't hold back anymore. 
''[Superman chases Supergirl in air. Wonder Woman joins the chase with Superman. Kara breaks through the roads, leading Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' It's no accident you brought us here. 
:'''Batman''': ''(from behind)'' Of course, it isn't. ''(as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, they see Batman in a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(to Superman)'' I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her, leaving the cousins for a face-off.)''
:'''Superman''': You should want Brainiac dead more than anyone. Instead, you are undermining me.
:'''Supergirl''': Thank Rao, your father can't see you. When General Zod tried to take over Krypton, Jor-El (Superman's father) led the fight against him! That's who you come from... That's who you are, Kal. Not this. 
:'''Superman''': If Jor-El had been more like Zod, he might have saved Krypton. And I will save the Earth. ''['''Sub-Boss fight''': Supergirl vs Superman. Superman wins.]'' ''(Kal feels sorry and in grief that he had beaten up his cousin, who was meant to be his protector. Looking at her)'' I'm sorry... ''(Batman arrives at the scene, defeating Wonder Woman)''
:'''Batman''': Your war is over. ''(as Batman and Superman are now face-to-face for a final talk.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way. 
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything. 
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory. 
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime. 
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then. 
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win. 
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Superman''' v '''Batman''', Superman emerges victorious!]''
:'''Superman''': It's over, Bruce. ''(Batman fails to stop Superman treading in a wrong path. Superman further weakens him before he could gain energy back.)''
:'''Batman''': You don't have to do this. ''(Wonder Woman joins Superman)''
:'''Superman''': I'm not letting Brainiac live to put the Earth at risk again. 
:'''Batman''': Then what? I'm your next victim? 
:'''Superman''': ''(strangling Batman)'' I could have killed you years ago. It would've been so easy... 
:'''Batman''': So go ahead, Clark. Do it. Show me what a villain looks like... 
:'''Superman''': Is that what you want to see? ''(Batman nods as Superman gives him one last head-to-head knock and Batman falls unconscious.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': He's still breathing.
:'''Superman''': If he dies, he dies a martyr. I want him kept alive. 
:'''Wonder Woman''': We need to deal with Kara. 
:'''Superman''': She's young. Give her time. She'll come around.
:'''Wonder Woman''': And if she doesn't? 
:'''Superman''': She will. This time, everyone will.

====''Epilogue (if Superman wins)''====

''[Superman kills Brainiac, bonds with the ship, and reestablishes the regime with the help of all of Brainiac's captives. He offers an imprisoned Supergirl the chance to join his army, claiming he restored the remaining cities and put Earth at peace. When she refuses, Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman and explains that she will join one way or another.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''' : ''(In the Prison for Meta-Humans...) 
:'''Supergirl''': ''(looking at Superman)'' You bonded with Brainiac's ship...
:'''Superman''': Brainiac is dead. The remaining cities have been restored. And just like I told you, Earth is at peace. 
:'''Supergirl''': Under your heel. 
:'''Superman''': I wish you'd come around, Kara. I'm building a new army to protect the Earth. There are billions of warriors trapped in Brainiac's collection. Kryptonians, Daxamites, Czarnians... I'll have a legion whose power rivals the combined Lantern Corps. And I want you to lead it with me. 
:'''Supergirl''': Never Kal. 
:'''Superman''': You'll either make the right choice, or I'll make it for you. ''(Superman then brings out a mind-controlled, roboticized Batman. Supergirl is shocked to see it.)'' What's it going to be? ''(Credits roll.)''

Story DLC.

supergirl: i..... i don't want to join you..... i want to return home with my father.

Superman: your father doesn't like you anymore. Nobody does! Deal with it! It's your only chance, kara!
Make a Choice, or have me make it for you.

Supergirl: then none of them is my Choice, kal!

Superman: i knew you had to say that......... but i took some purcation.

Supergirl: where did you get that kal?

Superman: nothing personal. You see, i set up some bombs that can be a hundred miles away. Ever since time beat itself, the planets made of their own universe around the world. So it's nothing to be ashamed of for any reasons. The regime may be a mistake to you, but that's all in the past. I even catch sight of these planets from all around the world all over again. This, on the other hand, belongs to earth.

Supergirl: what do you mean?

Superman: if you join me, if you swear to serve me, if you make a right Choice on leading the legion with the combined lantern corp powers with me, i will allow earth to live. But, if you reject me, even for a smallest request, earth will be........ erased. I just need to push this button, and everyone and everything earth has done, thought, or wished, will be lost, forever.

Supergirl: you can't be serious kal. Please, don't do this. I won't let that happen!

Superman: well it all really depends on you. Lead the legion of combined lantern corp powers with me. And earth.... will live.................... alright then, suite yourself. I'm going to lead the legion myself and.......

Supergirl: WAIT! I'll do it.

Superman: you clever girl.

====''FINAL Chapter: Absolute Justice... if Batman was chosen''====

''[In continuation to Chapter 11...]'' ''(Batman and Superman engage in a duel, dodging each other's attacks. Superman manages to take away the Gold Kryptonite by bending his wrist as Wonder Woman takes it away. Superman strangles Batman, while Supergirl tries to stop her cousin.)''
:'''Supergirl''': You don't want to do this. ''(Superman tries to free himself from Supergirl, but can't do so. From behind, Green Lantern tosses Superman away, releasing Batman from Superman's clutches. Supergirl helps Batman out.)''
:'''Green Lantern''': ''(trying to avert further violence; to Superman)'' Stop, Clark! This is over.  ''(Wonder Woman picks her sword and tries to intrude in the fight for Superman, but is held by Flash. However, she tackles Flash with a blow. Superman and Green Lantern get ready to battle, while Supergirl is held captive by Black Adam to stop her from further intrusion. Aquaman comes from behind and attacks Batman. Batman answers it with a smoke grenade, choking Aquaman's and then tackles him. Superman continues tackling Green Lantern. They continue their fight outside the Ship as Lantern tosses Superman outside. Batman continues dodging Aquaman's strikes. While doing so...)''
:'''Batman''': Arthur, don't do this! You don't want to follow Clark! 
:'''Aquaman''': I'm not following anyone. ''(kicking Batman)'' You've never understood Atlantis, Bruce... We're an ancient people with an old-fashioned sense of justice. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': Atlantis needs to get with the times. ''(Aquaman gives a final assault on Batman, ultimately for Batman to prevail as he thrusts the Trident at Aquaman itself.)'' I'm tired of fighting you, Arthur. ''(Batman walks away. Black Adam inflicts more pain to Supergirl with his magic. Batman tries to sneak-attack on him, but he's also victimized by Black Adam's magic. Black Adam takes away Batman out of the ship. In another corner of the ship, Flash overpowers Wonder Woman and helps out Supergirl.)''
:'''Supergirl''': Batman knew they would double-cross him. We have to move! 
''[Scene cuts. Black Adam takes Batman captive in air outside Brainiac's ship.]''
:'''Black Adam''': ''(to Batman)'' There's no escape. ''(Batman gives a head-to-head knock at Adam.)'' You wish to fall? So be it. ''(and Black Adam leaves Batman to fall from that height. As Batman gets closer to the ground, he glides easily with his cape, safely landing. Black Adam also descends towards Batman.)''
:'''Batman''': Go back to Kahndaq, Adam. Stay here and you'll be prosecuted.
:'''Black Adam''': You'd have to capture me, Batman. And I've underestimated you for the last time. ''(Both of them fight. Batman wins.)''
:'''Batman''': All that ancient wisdom. Wasted. ''(Through Brother Eye comms.)'' Supergirl, where are you?
:'''Supergirl''': They're following me. (&quot;They&quot; refers Superman and Wonder Woman)
:'''Batman''': Lead them to the Cave. 
''[Scene cuts. Batman leaves for his BatCave. He gets his Bat-mobile and reaches his cave. Through his command center, he now wears a Kryptonite-based Bat-suit. Kara leads Superman and Wonder Woman to the underground and cleverly to the Batcave as Batman said.]''
:'''Wonder Woman''': She led us right to him. (&quot;him&quot; refers to Batman)
:'''Superman''': (to Supergirl) It's no accident you brought us here.
:'''Batman''': (from behind) Of course, it isn't. (as Wonder Woman and Superman turn back, Batman appears.)
:'''Supergirl''': (to Superman) I warned him about Diana. But I didn't believe you'd turn on me. ''(Superman signals as Wonder Woman heads to engage Batman in a duel with her. Both the cousins leave to fight elsewhere.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''(to Batman)'' This is the last time, Bruce. No more secrets. No more schemes. 
:'''Batman''': Schemes? I'm not the one who stoked Clark's worst fears. ''(Wonder Woman attacks him with his sword, only to be defended and hit back by Batman. They continue tackling each other.)''
:'''Wonder Woman''': To pacify man's world, Kal needed steel, not compassion. 
:'''Batman''': But you didn't bring peace. You started a war. ''['''Sub-boss fight''': Wonder Woman vs Batman. Batman wins.]'' ''(to a defeated Wonder Woman)'' Your war is over. ''(Batman then approaches Superman who had defeated Supergirl.)''
:'''Superman''': ''(emotional)'' Fighting on the same side, it felt like old times. But I guess we both knew it would end this way.
:'''Batman''': Do you remember that night? When you told me Lois was pregnant?
:'''Superman''': You knew. Even before I said anything.
:'''Batman''': That was a good memory.
:'''Superman''': From another lifetime.
:'''Batman''': I miss the people we were then.
:'''Superman''': Me too. ''(Superman punches Batman at super-speed, tossing him behind.)'' Quit, Bruce. You can't win.
:'''Batman''': You of all people know, Clark. I never quit. ''[FINAL SHOWDOWN: '''Batman''' v '''Superman''', Batman emerges victorious!]'' ''(Superman gets up again and decides to try one last assault on Batman, but a series of punches from Batman just weakens Superman more and finally falls unconscious. Batman too drops at his knee, seeing how he failed to make his friend Kal understand and instead, had to take him down. Supergirl gains consciousness and comes towards Batman.)''
:'''Supergirl''': ''(worried; to Batman)'' Is he...
:'''Batman''': He'll be out for a while. I'm sorry, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': For what? 
:'''Batman''': I couldn't save him.

====''Epilogue (if Batman wins)''====


''[Batman depowers Superman permanently with Gold Kryptonite and imprisons him in the Phantom Zone. He decides to create a new Justice League with his allies and offers Supergirl a membership within it.]''

'''The DIALOGUE''': ''(A defeated, handcuffed Superman (in a prisoner's attire) is now incapacitated of his powers permanently using Gold Kryptonite and the red sun rays.)''

:'''Batman''': ''(to Supergirl)'' Kara, it's safe now. ''(as she descends down and walks towards Clark.)''
:'''Clark Kent''': ''(egoistic)'' Even without my powers, the Phantom Zone can't hold me. I'll be back. 
:'''Batman''': We'll be ready. ''(Superman stares at Batman as Batman now opens the entrance to Phantom Zone, imprisoning Clark. Before leaving...)''
:'''Supergirl''': Kal, I don't... I wish--
:'''Clark Kent''': We were family, Kara. 
:'''Supergirl''': We still are. I hope someday you'll see that. ''(as Superman turns back and enters into the Phantom Zone)'' 
:'''Batman''': ''(trying to console Supergirl)'' Are you all right? 
:'''Supergirl''': No. ''(after a brief pause)'' This symbol should give people hope. ''(pointing at the 'S' in her suit)'' He made them fear it. 
:'''Batman''': That symbol's meaning is up to the person who wears it. When Clark and I founded the Justice League, we didn't govern people. We protected them. Plain and simple. Maybe... the world could use a team like that again. ''(suggesting the idea of forming Justice League again with Supergirl)'' Welcome to the circle of trust. ''(and they both shake hands. Credits roll.)''

==Voice cast==
*Kevin Conroy as Bruce Wayne/Batman
*George Newbern as Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman
*Susan Eisenburg as Princess Diana / Diana Prince / Wonder Woman
*Scott Porter as Damian Wayne / Robin
*Joey Naber as Black Adam
*Laura Bailey as Kara Zor-El / Supergirl
*Alan Tudyk as Green Arrow
*Vanessa Marshall as Black Canary
*Steve Blum as Hal Jordan/Green Lantern, Sub-Zero, Victor Zsasz
*Taliesin Jaffe as The Flash
*Khary Payton as Cyborg , Grid
*Tara Strong as Harley Quinn, Dr. Randell
*Grey DeLisle as Catwoman, Alura In-Ze
*Richard Epcar as the Joker, Raiden
*Fred Tatasciore as Bane, Swamp Thing, Martin Stein
*Tasia Valenza as Poison Ivy
*Robert Englund as Scarecrow
*Phil LaMarr as Aquaman, Lucius Fox, John Stewart/Green Lantern
*Ogie Banks as Firestorm
*Anthony Del Rio as Blue Beetle
*David Sobolov as Doctor Fate
*C. Thomas Howell as Captain Cold
*Erica Luttrell as Cheetah
*Matthew Mercer as Deadshot
*Charles Halford as Gorilla Grodd
*Ike Amadi as Atrocitus
*Jeffrey Combs as Brainiac
*Michael-Leon Wooley as Darkseid
*Liam O'Brien as Reverse Flash, Brainiac 5
*Megalyn Echikunwoke as Vixen
*Travis Willingham as Flash (Jay Garrick)
*Sara Cravens as Power Girl
*Jim Pirri as Mr. Freeze
*Patrick Seitz as Bizarro
*Cameron Bowen as Red Hood
*Kari Wahlgren as Starfire
*Kane Jungbluth-Murry as Black Lightning, Black Manta
*Bruce Barker as Hellboy
*Matthew Yang King as Atom
*Brandy Kopp as June Moone/Enchantress
*Corey Krueger as Leonardo
*Joe Brogie  as Donatello
*Ben Rausch as Raphael
*Ryan Cooper as Michelangelo

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2017 video games]]
[[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]]
[[Category:Xbox One video games]]</text>
      <sha1>m10crgk3ay2be6ceeof8bqsve1np58e</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>It (2017 film)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T11:51:57Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="16598" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:IT (2017 film) logo.svg|thumb|]]
'''''[[w:It (2017 film)|It]]''''' is a [[w:2017 in film|2017 film]] about a group of bullied kids who band together when a malevolent shapeshifting creature, taking the appearance of a clown, begins hunting and eating children.
:''Directed by [[w:Andy Muschietti|Andy Muschietti]]. Written by Chase Palmer, [[w:Cary Fukunaga|Cary Fukunaga]], and [[w:Gary Dauberman|Gary Dauberman]], based on [[w:It (novel)|the novel]] by [[Stephen King]].''
{{center|'''It Takes Many Forms'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Opening ==
* Oranges and lemons, said the bells of Saint Clement's. You owe me five farthings said the bells of Saint Martin's. When will you pay me said the bells of old Bailey. When I grow rich said the bells of Shoreitch. And, when will that be..? said the bells of Stepney. Oh, I do not know,said the great bell of Bow. Here comes the candle, to light you to bed. And here comes the chopper, to chop off your head!

== It/Pennywise ==
* ''[as a leper, holding one of Eddie's medical pills]'' Do you think this will help me, Eddie?
* Where you going, Eds? If you lived here, you'd be home by now. Come join the clown, Eds. You'll float down here. We all float down here. Yes, we do! ''[laughs]''
* ''[as a leper]'' Eddie... What are you looking for?
* ''[to Eddie]'' Tasty, tasty, beautiful fear!
* This isn't real enough for you, Billy? I'm not real enough for you? It was real enough for Georgie!
* ''[to Richie]'' Beep beep, Richie.
* ''[to Beverly, via speaker]'' Step right up, Beverly! Step right up! Come change! Come float! You'll laugh, you'll cry! You'll cheer, you'll die! Introducing Pennywise the Dancing Clown!
* ''[to the Losers Club, about Bill]'' No! I'll take him! I'll take ''all'' of you! And I'll ''feast'' on your flesh as I ''feed'' on your fear... ''Or''... you'll just leave us be. I will take him. Only him. And I will have my long rest, and you will all live to grow and thrive and lead ''happy'' lives, until old age takes you back to the weeds.
* ''[as a leper, having one of Eddie’s pills on its tongue]'' Time to take your pill, Eddie!
* ''[to Beverly, using the face of her abusive father]'' Hey, Bevvie. Are you still my little girl?
* ''[last words]'' Fear...
*''[to Eddie]'' Time to float!
* [to Georgie] Take it, Georgie.

== Bill Denbrough ==
* What happens when another Georgie goes missing? Or another Betty? Or one of us? Are you just going to pretend it didn’t happen, like everyone else in this town?
* If we stick together, all of us, we'll win. I promise.
* He thrusts his fists against the post, and still insists he sees the ghost.
* ''[to It/Pennywise]''  That’s why you didn’t kill Beverly...because she wasn’t afraid. We aren’t either. Not anymore. Now ''you’re'' the one who’s afraid. Because you’re gonna starve.
* Swear... Swear if It isn't dead... if It ever comes back... we'll come back, too.
*[to the Losers Club] If you say it’s summer one more f-f-fucking time...!

== Beverly Marsh ==
* I want to run towards something! Not away!
* We were all together when we saw it! That’s why we’re still alive!
* I need to show you something.
* You see it too, my dad couldn't see it. I thought that I might be crazy.

== Ben Hanscom ==
* Derry is not like any town I've been in before. People die or disappear six times the national average. And that's just grown ups. Kids are worse. Way, way worse.
* Your hair is winter fire, january ambers. My heart burns there too.

== Eddie Kaspbrak ==
* They're gazebos! They're bullshit!
* Have you ever heard of a staph infection?
* Shut up, Richie!
* This is so unsanitary!
* Its basically- piss and shit! So I'm just telling you! You guys are splashing around in millions of gallons of Derry pee, so.
*[after Richie asks about the pregnancy pills] I'm saving them for your sister!
* My moms friend in New York City by just by touching a dirty pole in the subway and enough of aids blood got into his system...
* How do you amputate a waist?

== Mike Hanlon ==
* My grandfather thinks this town is cursed. That all the bad things that happen in this town are because of one thing. An evil thing.
* My grandfather was right. I'm an outsider. Gotta stay that way.

== Richie Tozier ==
* Doesn't smell like caca to me señor.
* I can't believe I pulled the short straw. You guys are lucky we're not measuring dicks.
* Can only virgins see this stuff? Is that why I'm not seeing this shit?
* ''[referring to Beverly]'' I'm sorry, who invited [[w:Molly Ringwald|Molly Ringwald]] into the group?
* ''[referring to Ben]'' And look at this motherfucker! He's leaking [[w:Hamburger Helper|Hamburger Helper]]!
* ''[to Ben]'' I'm glad I got to meet you before you died.
* ''[to Henry Bowers]'' Go blow your dad, you mullet-wearing asshole!
* You know the Barrens aren't that bad. Who doesn't love splashing around in shitty water?
* ''[to Bill]'' I told you, Bill. I fucking told you. I don't wanna die. It's your fault. You punched me in the face, you made me walk through shitty water, you dragged me into a fucking crackhead house! And now...''[grabs a nearby bat]''...I'm gonna have to kill this fucking clown. ''[to It/Pennywise]'' Welcome to the Losers' Club, asshole! ''[attacks him with the bat]''
* [referring to how much he talks] It is a gift...
* [referring to the broken pillar] Now that's a cool feature! what happens when you put your hand on the other pillar professor?

== Stanley Uris ==
* It's summer! We're supposed to be having fun! This isn't fun, it's scary and disgusting.
* Uh- reflecting on what I just read ''[about the [[w:Torah|Torah]].]'', I like what it says about indifference. Well, when you're a kid, you think the universe revolves around you, that you'll always be protected and cared for. That you'll always have the same friends as when you were 12. Then, one day, something bad happens and you realize that's not true. You wake up suddenly not caring about lives outside your own, nothing going on outside of your front door matters anymore. You separate yourself from anything that might matter to you. Neighbors, your family, your friends. But when you're alone as a kid, the monsters see you as weaker, and they start to come for you, and you don't even notice they're getting closer until it's too late. So they attack you before you find the truth about what's happening. If any of you opened your eyes, if you really cared, you would see what we're going through. I guess, indifference, is a part of growing up. Becoming an adult, isn't about being able to vote, or being able to drink, or drive. Becoming an adult, according to the holy scripture, in Derry, is learning not to give a shit. 
* No! No next time, Bill! You're insane!

== Dialogue ==
:'''Pennywise''': ''[from inside a sewer grate]'' Hiya, Georgie! What a nice boat. Do you want it back?
:'''Georgie''': Um... Yes, please.
:'''Pennywise''': You look like a nice boy. I bet you have a lot of friends.
:'''Georgie''': Three, but my brother is my bestest.
:'''Pennywise''': Where is he?
:'''Georgie''': In bed. Sick.
:'''Pennywise''': I bet I could cheer him up. I'll give him a balloon. Do you want a balloon too, Georgie?
:'''Georgie''': I'm not supposed to take stuff from strangers.
:'''Pennywise''': Oh! Well, I'm Pennywise the Dancing Clown! &quot;Pennywise?&quot; &quot;Yes?&quot; &quot;Meet Georgie. Georgie, meet Pennywise.&quot; ''[Georgie laughs]'' Now we aren't strangers. Are we?
:'''Georgie''': I guess so. What are you doing in the sewer?
:'''Pennywise''': Storm blew me away. Blew the whole circus away. ''[chuckles]'' Can you smell the circus, Georgie? There's peanuts, cotton candy, hot dogs, and...?
:'''Georgie''': Popcorn?
:'''Pennywise''': Popcorn! Is that your favorite?
:'''Georgie''': Uh-huh.
:'''Pennywise''': Mine, too! ''[laughs]'' Because they pop! Pop, pop! Pop, pop! Pop, pop, pop!
:''[They both laugh, but then Pennywise's smile fades, and he stares at Georgie hungrily. Georgie starts to feel uneasy]''
:'''Georgie''': Um... I should get going now.
:'''Pennywise''': Oh! W-Without your boat? You don't wanna lose it, Georgie. Bill's gonna kill you. Here. Take it. Take it, Georgie.
:''[As soon as Georgie starts to reach for the paper boat, Pennywise grabs his right arm and opens his mouth, revealing several rows of sharp teeth, bites Georgie's arm and rips it off. Georgie cries, screams, and attempts to crawl away while bleeding. Pennywise then grabs Georgie and drags him into the sewer]''
:'''Georgie''': '''BILLY!!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': Hey, guys. What do you wanna do tomorrow?
:'''Richie''': I start my training.
:'''Eddie''': Well, what training?
:'''Richie''': ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''.
:'''Eddie''': Is that how you wanna spend your summer? Inside an arcade?
:'''Richie''': Beats spending it inside your mother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richie''': ''[opens a cabinet full of medicine and pills]'' Hey, Eddie? Are these birth control pills?
:'''Eddie''': Yeah, I'm saving them for your sister. This is private stuff!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonia Kaspbrak''': Aren't you forgetting something?
:''[Eddie sighs and reluctantly walks over to kiss her on the cheek]''
:''[Richie snorts trying not to laugh. Bill hits him on the chest, signaling for him to shut up]''
:'''Richie''': Do you want one from me too, Mrs. K? I was—
:''[Eddie shoves him and Bill out the door]''
:'''Eddie''': Bye, Mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richie''': You guys comin'?
:'''Eddie''': Uh uh. It’s gray water!
:'''Richie''': What the hell is &quot;gray water&quot;?
:'''Eddie''': It's basically ...piss and shit, so I'm just tellin' you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richie''': ''[about the rumors about Beverly]'' I hear the list is longer than my wang.
:'''Stanley''': That's not saying much.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ben''': Derry started as a beaver trapping camp.
:'''Richie''': Still is! Am I right, boys?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I lost it, Billy. Don't be mad.
:'''Bill''': I'm n-not mad at you.
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': It just floated off...but, Bill? If you'll come with me, you'll float, too.
:'''Bill''': Georgie?
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': You'll float, too. You'll float, too. You'll float, too. You'll float, too. You'll float, too! You'll float, too! You'll float, too! You'll float, too! ''[&quot;Georgie&quot;’s voice deepens]'' YOU'LL FLOAT, TOO! YOU'LL FLOAT, TOO! YOU'LL FLOAT, TOO! YOU'LL FLOAT, TOO!
:'''Pennywise''': ''[drags “Georgie” into the water]'' YOU'LL FLOAT, TOO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': Okay, so let me get this straight. It comes out from wherever to eat kids for like, a year, and then what? It just goes into hibernation?
:'''Stanley''': Maybe it's like, what do you call it... Cicadas? You know, the bugs that come out in every 17 years.
:'''Mike''': My grandfather thinks this town is cursed. He says that, all the bad things that happen in this town are because of one thing. An evil thing that feeds off the people of Derry.
:'''Stanley''': But it can't be one thing. We all saw something different.
:'''Mike''': Maybe. Or maybe it knows what scares us the most, and that's what we see.
:'''Eddie''': I saw a leper. He was like a walking infection.
:'''Stanley''': But you didn't. Because it isn't real. None of this is. Not Eddie's leper, or Bill seeing Georgie, or the woman I keep seeing.
:'''Richie''': Is she hot?
:'''Stanley''': No, Richie! She's not hot! Her face is all messed up. None of this makes any sense. They're all like bad dreams.
:'''Mike''': I don't think so. I know the difference between a bad dream and real life, okay?
:'''Eddie''': What'd you see? You saw something too?
:'''Mike''': Yes. You guys know that burned down house on Harris Avenue? I was inside when it burned down. Before I was rescued, my mom and dad were trapped in the next room over from me, they were... pushing and pounding on the door... trying to get to me. But it was too hot. When the firemen finally found them, the skin on their hands had melted down to the bone. We're all afraid of something.
:'''Ben''': You got that right.
:'''Eddie''': Alright, Rich, what are you scared of?
:'''Richie''': Clowns.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beverly''': I need to show you something.
:'''Richie''': More than we saw at the quarry?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': ''[to Richie]'' S-S-Stay here.
:'''Richie''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What if her dad comes back?
:'''Stanley''': Do what you always do: start talking! ''[the others Losers, except Richie, all go to Beverly's apartment]''
:'''Richie''': It is a gift!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': We like hanging with you.
:'''Beverly''': ''[smiling]'' Thanks.
:'''Bill''': You shouldn't thank us too much. Hanging with us makes you a loser, too.
:'''Beverly''': ''[still smiling]'' I can take that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''TV Hostess''': And this is my most favorite part of the afternoon. Getting to know all about so many of you. Is there someone here that wants to share with us what they most enjoyed about today?
:'''Girl''': Me!
:'''TV Hostess''': How about you?
:'''Girl''':  I liked seeing the clown.
:'''TV Hostess''': You did? You liked the clown?
:'''Children''': Yes!
:'''TV Hostess''': What about the rest of you?
:'''Boy''': I liked when the bubbles float.
:'''TV Hostess''': You did? Me too! I just love watching things float. 
:'''Children''': We all float!
:'''TV Hostess''': That's right! And you will, too, Henry. Make it a wonderful day. Kill him!
:'''Hostess &amp; Children''': Kill him. Kill him. Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
:''[Henry stabs his father in the throat with his switchblade]''
:'''TV Narrator''': Oh, no! Give him a big round of applause!
:'''Children''': Yay!
:''[Henry holds his struggling father back as he bleeds out]''
:'''TV Hostess''': Well done, Henry!
:'''Pennywise, Hostess, &amp; Children''': Kill them all! Kill them all! Kill them all! Kill them all! Kill them all! Kill them all! Kill them all! KILL THEM ALL! KILL THEM ALL! KILL THEM ALL!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beverly''': I'm not afraid of you.
:'''Pennywise''': ''[sniffs at Beverly briefly, then turns away and starts glaring at her]'' You will be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': Georgie...
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': What took you so long?
:'''Bill''': I was l-looking for you this whole time.
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I couldn't find my way out of here. He said I could have my boat back, Billy.
:'''Bill''': Was she f-fast?
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I couldn't keep up with it.
:'''Bill''': 'She', Georgie. You call boats 'she'.
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': Take me home, Billy. ''[starts crying]'' I wanna go home! I miss you, I wanna be with Mom and Dad!
:'''Bill''': ''[crying]'' I want more than anything for you to be home. With Mom, and Dad...I miss you so much!
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I love you, Billy.
:'''Bill''': I love you too... ''[pulls out bolt gun and points it at &quot;Georgie”’s head]'' But you're not Georgie.

== Taglines ==
* It Takes Many Forms
* You'll float too.
* What are you afraid of?
*
*Fead on your fear .

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jaeden Lieberher|Jaeden Lieberher]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|William &quot;Bill&quot; Denbrough]]
* [[Bill Skarsgård]] - [[w:It (character)|It / Pennywise the Dancing Clown]]
* [[w:Wyatt Oleff|Wyatt Oleff]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Stanley &quot;Stan&quot; Uris]]
* [[w:Jeremy Ray Taylor|Jeremy Ray Taylor]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Benjamin &quot;Ben&quot; Hanscom]]
* [[w:Sophia Lillis|Sophia Lillis]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Beverly &quot;Bev&quot; Marsh]]
* [[w:Finn Wolfhard|Finn Wolfhard]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Richard &quot;Richie&quot; Tozier]]
* [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Edward &quot;Eddie&quot; Kaspbrak]]
* [[w:Chosen Jacobs|Chosen Jacobs]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Michael &quot;Mike&quot; Hanlon]]
* [[w:Nicholas Hamilton|Nicholas Hamilton]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|Henry Bowers]]
* [[w:Jackson Robert Scott|Jackson Robert Scott]] - [[w:It (novel)#Characters|George &quot;Georgie&quot; Denbrough]]

== See Also ==
* ''[[It Chapter Two]]'' (2019)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=1396484|title=It}}
* {{Mojo title|id=it|title=It}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=it_2017|title=It}}
* {{Metacritic film|id=it|title=It}}
* {{official|http://www.itthemovie.com}}

{{Media based on Stephen King works}}

[[Category:2017 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Stephen King‎]]
[[Category:Supernatural horror films]]
[[Category:Films about clowns]]
[[Category:Films about psychopaths]]
[[Category:Films directed by Andy Muschietti]]
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      <text bytes="4176" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Nichelle Nichols Star Trek 1967 (cropped).JPG|thumb|I didn’t know that meeting a ''[[Star Trek]]'' fan would [[change]] my [[life]].]] 
'''[[w:Nichelle Nichols|Nichelle Nichols]]''' ([[28 December]] [[1932]] – [[30 July]] [[2022]]) was an American actress, singer and voice artist.

== Quotes ==
[[File:2009 CUN Award Party Nichelle Nichols 124.JPG|thumb|Star Trek represented, and still does represent, the future we can have, a future that is beyond the petty squabbles we are dealing with here on Earth, now as much as ever, and are able to devote ourselves to the betterment of all human kind by doing what we do so well: explore. This kind of a future isn't impossible — and we need to all rethink our priorities to really bring that vision to life.]]
[[File:Nichelle Nichols, NASA Recruiter - GPN-2004-00017.jpg|thumb| I believe we [[need]] to move to a [[future]] that transcends race, gender, or anything else. We're all [[people]].]]

* I told [[Gene Roddenberry|Gene]] after the end of the first season that I would not be returning to [[Star Trek: The Original Series|the show]] — that I wanted to return to my first love, which is musical theatre, but '''I didn’t know that meeting a ''[[Star Trek]]'' fan would [[change]] my [[life]].''' &lt;br /&gt; I was told a fan wanted to meet me, and I turned and looked into the face of Dr. [[Martin Luther King]] — I was breathless. He said, &quot;Yes, I'm the Trekker — I'm a ''Star Trek'' fan.&quot; And he told me that ''Star Trek'' was one of the only shows that his wife [[Coretta Scott King|Coretta]] and he would allow their little [[children]] to stay up and watch. '''I thanked him — and I told him I was leaving the show.''' All the smile came off his face and he said:''' &quot;You can’t do that.&quot; He said &quot;Don’t you [[understand]] that for the first time, we’re seen as we should be seen? You don’t have a ''Black role'' — you have an ''[[equal]]'' role.&quot; '''&lt;br /&gt; And on I went back to work on Monday morning. I went to Gene’s office and told him what had happened over the weekend. And he said, '''&quot;Welcome home. We have a lot of work to do.&quot;'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqoZ0C0cnRE Interviewed on ''Trek Nation'' (2010)]; also quoted in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/nichelle-nichols-dead-star-trek-lieutenant-uhura-1235189880/ &quot;Nichelle Nichols, Lieutenant Uhura on ‘Star Trek,’ Dies at 89&quot; by Mike Barnes, ''Hollywood Reporter'' (31 July 2022)]

*''' ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series|Star Trek]]'' represented, and still does represent, the future we can have, a future that is beyond the petty squabbles we are dealing with here on Earth, now as much as ever, and are able to devote ourselves to the betterment of all human kind by doing what we  do so well: explore.''' This kind of a future isn't impossible — and we need to all rethink our priorities to really bring that vision to life.
** As quoted in [http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/geek/Uhura-Star-Trek-Nichelle-Nichols-Wizard-World-Philly.html &quot;Uhura Fest: 'Star Trek' legend Nichelle Nichols talks Wizard World Philly and transcending race&quot; by Jerome Maida, ''The Philadelphia Enquirer'' (29 May 2017)]

* '''[[w:Gene Roddenberry|Gene's]] whole vision was that minorities weren't on set because we were minorities, we were on set because in the future our diverse world would all be working together as equals.''' I understand that everyone needs to see role models that can inspire them and talk to them and represent them, but I believe we need to move to a future that transcends race, gender, or anything else. We're all people.
** As quoted in &quot;Uhura Fest: 'Star Trek' legend Nichelle Nichols talks Wizard World Philly and transcending race&quot; by Jerome Maida, ''The Philadelphia Enquirer'' (29 May 2017)

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.uhura.com Official Site]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nichols, Nichelle}}
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      <text bytes="21318" xml:space="preserve">== About AC9016 ==

* I am a Wikiquote user who worked on here anonymously from 2011 to when I created an account in 2016. Since then I have done pretty much the same thing as I was doing before- creating pages for movies, books, people and shows and improving existing pages on movies, books, people and shows whenever I can. I have created the list of pages shown below, and have edited many others. I do my best to comply with site formatting and regulations, but most of all I'm trying to make the site better. I believe that making the site better matters more than strict, legalistic adherence to the rules. Wikiquote offers us the opportunity to make books, films, shows, works of a wide range of types and subjects, available for the entire world to view selections from. We can't show them the whole book, but we can show them some of its gems. We can't show them a movie, but we can show people some of its best dialogue and statements. Wikiquote is a great site, and my goal, as I said, is to do as much as I can to make it better than when I found it. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 19:58, 7 December 2017 (UTC)
:I take great pride in not just the number of pages that exist because of me, but what pages they are- generals, admirals, heroes, movies, wars that have altered the course of history. Getting to create new pages, giving a voice of sorts to individuals and events and institutions that anyone can freely look up and use as a starting point for further research- that, in a nutshell, is the point of Wikipedia and Wikiquote. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 02:51, 10 November 2020 (UTC)

== Favorite Movies ==
Not a complete list, but here are some that I like.
* [[Casablanca (film)]] (1942)
* [[It's a Wonderful Life]] (1946)
* [[The Long Gray Line]] (1955)
* [[12 Angry Men]] (1957)
* [[The D.I. (film)]] (1957)
* [[The Great Escape (film)]] (1963)
* [[Zulu (film)]] (1964)
* [[In the Heat of the Night (film)]] (1967)
* [[Battle of Britain (film)]] (1969)
* [[Kelly's Heroes]] (1970)
* [[Patton (film)]] (1970)
* [[The Omen]] (1976)
* [[MacArthur (film)]] (1977)
* [[Smokey and the Bandit]] (1977)
* [[Star Wars (film)]] (1977)
* [[Damien: Omen II]] (1978)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] (1981)
* [[Taps]] (1981)
* [[Tank (film)]] (1984)
* [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (1986)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] (1986)
* [[Home Alone]] (1990)
* [[Other People's Money]] (1991)
* [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]] (1992)
* [[Scent of a Woman]] (1992)
* [[The Good Son (film)]] (1993)
* [[The Mask (film)]] (1994)
* [[Toy Story]] (1995)
* [[Broken Arrow (1996 film)]]
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] (1996)
* [[Sgt. Bilko]] (1996)
* [[Home Alone 3]] (1997)
* [[Mulan (1998 film)]]
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] (1999)
* [[Toy Story 2]] (1999)
* [[Titan AE]] (2000)
* [[The Last Castle]] (2001)
* [[Treasure Planet]] (2002)
* [[We Were Soldiers]] (2002)
* [[Elephant (film)]] (2003)
* [[Zero Day (film)]] (2003)
* [[Lord of War]] (2005)
* [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (2006)
* [[V for Vendetta (film)]] (2006)
* [[Valkyrie (film)]] (2008)
* [[Tron: Legacy]] (2010)
* [[Dredd (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] (2014)
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] (2015)

== Favorite Quotes ==

* The sunrise was the colour of bad blood. It leaked out of the east and stained the dark sky red, marked the scraps of the cloud with stolen gold. Underneath it the road twisted up the mountainside towards the fortress of Fontezarmo - a cluster of sharp towers, ash-black again the wounded heavens. The sunrise was red, black and gold. The colours of their profession.
** Joe Abercrombie, ''Best Served Cold'' (2009)

* We do not murder. We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage, or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all of these reasons are in the highest degree suspect. Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears will catch the clink of evil's scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language. No, we do it for the money. And because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money. There can be few cleaner motives, shorn of all pretense.
** Dr. Cruces of the Ankh-Morpork Assassin's Guild, in ''Pyramids'' (1989) by Terry Pratchett

* ''Das Beste oder nichts''
** Gottlieb Daimler's personal motto, translatable as &quot;The best or nothing at all&quot;, &quot;Nothing but the best&quot; or &quot;The best or nothing&quot;. The third translation was adopted for the English version of the motto of Mercedes-Benz starting in 2010.

:Oh that my Pow'r to Saving were confin’d:
:Why am I forc’d, like Heav’n, against my mind,
:To make Examples of another Kind?
:Must I at length the Sword of Justice draw?
:Oh curst Effects of necessary Law!
:How ill my Fear they by my Mercy scan,
:Beware the Fury of a Patient Man.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitophel'' (1681), Pt. I, line 999–1005. Compare Publius Syrus, Maxim 289, &quot;Furor fit læsa sæpius patientia&quot; (&quot;An over-taxed patience gives way to fierce anger&quot;).

:Happy the man, and happy he alone,
:He who can call today his own;
:He who, secure within, can say,
:Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Imitation of Horace'' (1685), Book III, Ode 29, lines 65–68.

* Those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth. And let me remind you, they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyrannies. Absolute power does corrupt, and those who seek it must be suspect and must be opposed. Their mistaken course stems from false notions of equality, ladies and gentlemen. Equality, rightly understood, as our founding fathers understood it, leads to liberty and to the emancipation of creative differences. Wrongly understood, as it has been so tragically in our time, it leads first to conformity and then to despotism.
** [[Barry Goldwater]], in his acceptance speech as the Republican candidate in the 1964 U.S. presidential election.

:*Out of the night that covers me,
:Black as the pit from pole to pole,
:I thank whatever gods may be
:for my unconquerable soul.

:*In the fell clutch of circumstance
:I have not winced nor cried aloud.
:Under the bludgeonings of chance
:My head is bloody, but unbowed.

:*Beyond this place of wrath and tears
:Looms but the Horror of the shade,
:And yet the menace of the years
:Finds and shall find me unafraid.

:*It matters not how strait the gate,
:How charged with punishments the scroll,
:I am the master of my fate:
:I am the captain of my soul.
:* William Ernest Henley, ''Invictus'' (1875)

* No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
* [[H.L. Mencken]], 'Notes on Journalism' in the ''Chicago Tribune'', 19 September 1926

* Calm is what you have to be when people look to you. And it's all you can be when things are out of your hands.
** Colonel James Hsu, ''Fallout: New Vegas'' (2010)

* STRIKE FIRST &lt;br&gt;STRIKE HARD &lt;br&gt;NO MERCY
** [[The Karate Kid]] (1984)

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Fleet Admiral [[Ernest King]], ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) p. viii

* The central core of truth is that Christmas turns everything upside down, the upside of heaven come down to earth. The Christmas story puts a new value on every man. He is not a thing to be used, not a chemical accident, not an educated ape. Every man is a V.I.P., because he has divine worth. That was revealed when “Love came down at Christmas.” A scientist said, making a plea for exchange scholarships between nations, “The best way to send an idea is to wrap it up in a person.” That was what happened at Christmas. The idea of divine love was wrapped up in a person. Christmas is good news in a world of bad news. … Christmas brings hope to a dark world.
: ~ [[Halford E. Luccock]]; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 December 2017 ~

:Forgive him who wrongs you;
:join him who cuts you off;
:do good to him who does evil to you;
:and speak the truth
:even if it be against yourself.
:~ Inscription on the Sword of Muhammad; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 June 2017 ~

* ''Per Ardua Ad Astra''
** Motto of the Royal Air Force; translates as &quot;Through Adversity to the Stars&quot;

* ''Serve To Lead''
** Motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

:Love all, trust a few,
:Do wrong to none.
:* William Shakespeare, ''All's Well That Ends Well'', displayed as the Quote of the Day for 13 February 2018

* The news today about &quot;Atomic bombs&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes: calmly plotting the destruction of the world! Such explosives in men's hands, while their moral and intellectual status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you hope &quot;this will ensure peace&quot;. ... Well we're in God's hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J.R.R. Tolkien]], displayed as the Quote of the Day for 3 January 2018

* ''Non Sibi Sed Patriae''
** Unofficial motto of the United States Navy, translates to English as &quot;Not for Self but for Country&quot;

* ''A Posse Ad Esse''
** Motto of the Woodberry Forest School; translates to English as &quot;From Possibility to Actuality&quot;

== Pages Created ==
=== 2011 ===
* [[Lord of the Flies (1990 film)]] - 25 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant]] - 29 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[28 Weeks Later]] - 30 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood]] 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] - 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Castle]] - 12 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] - 14 September 2011 (anonymous)

=== 2012 ===
* [[Carriers (film)]] - 17 January 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] - 19 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] - 28 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Call of Duty 3]] - 8 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] - 11 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Swing Kids]] - 13 April 2012 (anonymous)
=== 2016 ===
* [[Ernest King]] - 19 March 2016 (anonymous; I created this account just after creating this page)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] - 27 March 2016
* [[Mark W. Clark]] - 15 April 2016
* [[William Westmoreland]] - 16 July 2016 (This page had actually been created once before, but it was deleted due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Wheeler L. Baker]] - 12 August 2016
* [[Maxwell D. Taylor]] - 19 August 2016
* [[Bruce Palmer, Jr.]] - 20 August 2016
* [[George S. Patton IV]] - 11 November 2016
=== 2017 ===
* [[Pat Conroy]] - 27 April 2017
* [[James Dashner]] - 28 April 2017
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] - 1 June 2017
* [[RoboCop 2]] - 15 November 2017
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] - 12 December 2017
* [[The Ogre (1996 film)]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The Long Gray Line]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The D.I. (film)]] - 20 December 2017
=== 2018 ===
* [[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]] - 25 March 2018
* [[Maze Runner: The Death Cure]] - 1 April 2018
* [[Ann E. Dunwoody]] - 17 October 2018
* [[Rules of Engagement (film)]] - 22 October 2018
* [[Salvatore Giunta]] - 31 October 2018
=== 2019 ===
* [[Alvah Bessie]]- 19 January 2019
* [[Edson Raff]] - 19 January 2019
* [[William D. Leahy]] - 27 January 2019
* [[John Gunther]] - 2 February 2019
* [[Spanish Civil War]] - 9 February 2019
* [[Arthur Rostron]] - 2 March 2019
* [[Hugh L. Scott]] - 3 April 2019
* [[Brightburn]] - 31 May 2019
* [[Mercenary]] - 9 June 2019
* [[Alexander Vandegrift]]- 9 June 2019
* [[Hampden-Sydney College]]- 5 August 2019
* [[William Slim, 1st Viscount Slim]]- 10 November 2019
=== 2020 ===
* [[Lynn Compton]]- 14 March 2020
* [[Donald Malarkey]]- 21 March 2020
* [[MJ Hegar]]- 2 May 2020
* [[Harold Keith]]- 18 August 2020
* [[Maryland]]- 6 September 2020
* [[Raymond A. Spruance]]- 2 November 2020
* [[Irish Civil War]]- 5 November 2020
* [[Kyle Carpenter]]- 9 November 2020
* [[Black Cadillac (film)]]- 10 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2]]- 11 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay- Part 1]]- 18 November 2020
* [[Cornell University]]- 23 November 2020
* [[Virginia Military Institute]]- 25 November 2020
* [[United States Military Academy]]- 25 November 2020
* [[The Citadel]]- 29 November 2020
* [[Kiem Do]]- 8 December 2020
* [[Premium Rush]]- 12 December 2020
* [[Russian Civil War]]- 22 December 2020
* [[Jack Bamford]]- 29 December 2020
=== 2021 ===
* [[Hugh Shelton]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Richard Winters]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Hitler Youth]]- 7 January 2021
* [[William Calley]]- 1 February 2021
* [[Austin Mahone]]- 11 February 2021
* [[Harry F. Byrd]]- 12 February 2021
* [[Keith Whitley]]- 15 February 2021
* [[Enzo Ferrari]]- 18 February 2021
* [[Wentworth Military Academy and College]]- 12 May 2021
* [[Brooklyn Nine-Nine (season 8)]]- 3 November 2021
* [[Wonder (film)]]- 28 November 2021
* [[David Halberstam]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Thomas Jones (civil servant)]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Chinese Civil War]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Ty Seidule]]- 15 December 2021
* [[United States Naval Academy]]- 15 December 2021
=== 2022 ===
* [[Bob Altemeyer]]- 3 January 2022
* [[Leo Amery]] - 3 January 2022
* [[Republic of Vietnam Navy]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Royal Air Force]]- 5 January 2022
* [[British Army]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Percy Spender]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Flamethrower]]- 8 January 2022
* [[82nd Airborne Division]]- 8 January 2022
* [[Tank]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Mark Levin]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted in 2007 and again in 2008 due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Ferrari]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted twice in 2009 due to a total lack of sourced quotes.)
* [[Saab Automobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Oldsmobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Cadillac]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Judith Levine]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harmful to Minors]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harold Lindsell]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Max Rafferty]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Buick]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Ranger School]]- 24 March 2022
* [[Irish Naval Service]]- 22 April 2022
* [[Critical race theory]]- 5 May 2022
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]- 16 May 2022
* [[MG 42]]- 4 June 2022
* [[Edgar Huff]]- 5 June 2022
* [[William Guarnere]]- 6 June 2022
* [[M1 Garand]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Edward Heffron]]- 6 June 2022
* [[James Forrestal]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Sue Klebold]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Husband E. Kimmel]]- 6 June 2022
* [[John J. McNeill]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Frank John Hughes]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Ford Motor Company]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Irish Air Corps]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Rudy Reyes (actor)]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Evan Wright]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Nathaniel Fick]]- 17 June 2022

=== 2023 ===
=== 2024 ===

== Planned Pages ==
* 75th Ranger Regiment
* Army of the Republic of Vietnam
* Henry H. Arnold, General of the Army, General of the Air Force
* Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke. British Army. Chief of the Imperial General Staff, 1941-1946.
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 6)
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 7)
* Joseph Buttigieg, former William R. Kenan Professor of English at University of Notre Dame 
* Charles B. Dew, Woodberry Forest School Class of 1954, American Civil War historian
* Child abuse
* Detroit: Become Human
* Escape to Witch Mountain (1975 film)
* The Elder Scrolls III: Tribunal
* The Elder Scrolls III: Bloodmoon
* The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
* Exit (2019 film)
* Bradley A. Fiske, USNA Class of 1875
* Flame tank
* Andrew A. Humphreys, USMA Class of 1831
* Aubrey H. Camden
* Irish Army
* Italian Civil War
* Lisa Jakub, former child actor, author of ''You Look Like That Girl: A Child Actor Stops Pretending and Finally Grows Up'' (2015), and ''Not Just Me: Anxiety, Depression, and Learning to Embrace Your Weird'' (2017)
* Tim Kennedy
* David Lipsky, author
* John J. McNeill
* James McBrayer Sellers, USMC (1917-1944)
* James M. Sellers Jr.
* George B. McClellan, USMA Class of 1846, 4th Commanding General of the United States Army
* Kemper Military School
* MechWarrior 2: Mercenaries
* Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction
* Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
* Cao Van Vien, one of only two 4-star generals in the history of South Vietnam
* Oakland Motor Car Company
* Dave Richard Palmer, USMA Class of 1956, 53rd Superintendent of the United States Military Academy
* Plymouth (automobile)
* Premature (2014 film)
* University of Richmond
* University of Virginia
* Republic of Vietnam Airborne Division
* Republic of Vietnam Air Force
* Rolls-Royce
* Royal Marines
* Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse- 2015 film
* Harry G. Summers Jr.- US Army, Ret., author
* Survivor guilt
* United States Air Force Academy
* Robert Grainger Ker Thompson, RAF officer, counterinsurgency warfare expert in Vietnam War
* The Aeronauts (film), 2019 film
* The Day Will Come (2016 film)
* The Sadness, 2021 Taiwanese horror film
* The Thinning, 2016 YouTube film
* The Thinning: New World Order, 2018 YouTube film
* Tiger tank
* Toyota
* Ukrainian Air Force
* Ukrainian Navy
* Ukrainian Army
* Ukrainian Air Assault Forces
* Ukrainian Special Forces
* Vietnamese Rangers, elite light infantry of the ARVN

== Project Pages ==
* [[101st Airborne Division]]
* [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol]]
* [[Frank Abagnale]]
* Bob Altemeyer
* [[Perry Anderson]]
* [[Authoritarianism]]
* [[The Black Cauldron (film)]]
* [[Bayonet]]
* [[Bisexuality]]
* [[Wilhelm Bittrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Boy]]
* [[Anita Bryant]]
* [[Neville Chamberlain]], British prime minister
* Cornell University
* Critical race theory
* [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.]]
* [[Chester W. Nimitz|Chester Nimitz]]
* [[Dictatorship]]
* [[Sepp Dietrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Elizabeth II]]
* [[John Feffer]]
* Enzo Ferrari
* [[FernGully: The Last Rainforest]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Fascism]]
* [[Girls]]
* William Guarnere
* [[Heinz Guderian]]
* [[Günter Grass]]
* [[Rodolfo Graziani]]
* [[Tom Hanks]]
* [[Chris Hedges]]
* [[Harvard University]]
* Edward Heffron
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[Honda]]
* Edgar Huff
* Frank John Hughes
* [[Cordell Hull]]
* [[E. W. Howe]]- Page needs expansion from each of Howe's books/writings, as well as quotes about him
* [[Lee Iacocca]]
* [[Iraq War]]
* Irish Air Corps
* [[Islamophobia]]
* Harold Keith- Need to expand this page with more quotes from Keith's 16 books. So far have quotes from two.
* [[Korean War]]
* [[The Last Unicorn (film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[William D. Leahy|William Leahy]]
* [[Henry M. Leland]]
* [[James Longstreet]]
* [[Robert Lutz]]
* [[David Mamet]]
* John J. McNeill
* [[George Meade]]
* Samuel Eliot Morison
* [[John Money]]- stub page
* [[Mrs. Doubtfire]]
* [[The Mummy (1999 film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[The Mummy Returns]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Otto Ohlendorf]]
* [[The Pagemaster]]- 1994 film, LOQ trimming project
* [[Joachim Peiper]], Waffen-SS colonel
* [[Józef Piłsudski]]
* [[Poland]]
* [[Erwin Rommel]]
* Rules of Engagement (film)- 128 minutes runtime, LOQ of 5 quotes per hour for films= 11 authorized quotes. Film currently has 5.
* [[Gerd von Rundstedt]], German Army general in World War II
* [[Same-sex marriage]]- Extremely short page, in dire need of added quotes
* [[Baldur von Schirach]]
* Hugh L. Scott
* [[Secularism]]
* [[Otto Skorzeny]], Waffen-SS commando
* [[Suicide]]
* [[Stand and Deliver]]- Editing quotes and dialogue, LOQ trimming
* [[Top Gun: Maverick]]- Adding quotes and dialogue
* [[Timothy D. Snyder]]
* [[Trumpism]]
* United States Military Academy
* Republic of Vietnam Navy
* [[Vietnam War]]
* Waffen-SS
* [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)]]
* [[Betty White]]
* Richard Winters
* [[Yale University]]

== Completed Project Pages ==
* [[Bullying]]
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]
* [[Down Periscope]]
* [[The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind]]
* The General's Daughter (film)
* [[The Hobbit (1977 film)]] 
* Ernest King
* [[Liar Liar]]
* [[Douglas MacArthur]]</text>
      <sha1>299ve62nkjuyadpuk29to1eulc6y8mt</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150291</id>
      <parentid>3150272</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:51:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AC9016</username>
        <id>2870313</id>
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      <comment>/* Planned Pages */</comment>
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      <text bytes="21367" xml:space="preserve">== About AC9016 ==

* I am a Wikiquote user who worked on here anonymously from 2011 to when I created an account in 2016. Since then I have done pretty much the same thing as I was doing before- creating pages for movies, books, people and shows and improving existing pages on movies, books, people and shows whenever I can. I have created the list of pages shown below, and have edited many others. I do my best to comply with site formatting and regulations, but most of all I'm trying to make the site better. I believe that making the site better matters more than strict, legalistic adherence to the rules. Wikiquote offers us the opportunity to make books, films, shows, works of a wide range of types and subjects, available for the entire world to view selections from. We can't show them the whole book, but we can show them some of its gems. We can't show them a movie, but we can show people some of its best dialogue and statements. Wikiquote is a great site, and my goal, as I said, is to do as much as I can to make it better than when I found it. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 19:58, 7 December 2017 (UTC)
:I take great pride in not just the number of pages that exist because of me, but what pages they are- generals, admirals, heroes, movies, wars that have altered the course of history. Getting to create new pages, giving a voice of sorts to individuals and events and institutions that anyone can freely look up and use as a starting point for further research- that, in a nutshell, is the point of Wikipedia and Wikiquote. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 02:51, 10 November 2020 (UTC)

== Favorite Movies ==
Not a complete list, but here are some that I like.
* [[Casablanca (film)]] (1942)
* [[It's a Wonderful Life]] (1946)
* [[The Long Gray Line]] (1955)
* [[12 Angry Men]] (1957)
* [[The D.I. (film)]] (1957)
* [[The Great Escape (film)]] (1963)
* [[Zulu (film)]] (1964)
* [[In the Heat of the Night (film)]] (1967)
* [[Battle of Britain (film)]] (1969)
* [[Kelly's Heroes]] (1970)
* [[Patton (film)]] (1970)
* [[The Omen]] (1976)
* [[MacArthur (film)]] (1977)
* [[Smokey and the Bandit]] (1977)
* [[Star Wars (film)]] (1977)
* [[Damien: Omen II]] (1978)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] (1981)
* [[Taps]] (1981)
* [[Tank (film)]] (1984)
* [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (1986)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] (1986)
* [[Home Alone]] (1990)
* [[Other People's Money]] (1991)
* [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]] (1992)
* [[Scent of a Woman]] (1992)
* [[The Good Son (film)]] (1993)
* [[The Mask (film)]] (1994)
* [[Toy Story]] (1995)
* [[Broken Arrow (1996 film)]]
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] (1996)
* [[Sgt. Bilko]] (1996)
* [[Home Alone 3]] (1997)
* [[Mulan (1998 film)]]
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] (1999)
* [[Toy Story 2]] (1999)
* [[Titan AE]] (2000)
* [[The Last Castle]] (2001)
* [[Treasure Planet]] (2002)
* [[We Were Soldiers]] (2002)
* [[Elephant (film)]] (2003)
* [[Zero Day (film)]] (2003)
* [[Lord of War]] (2005)
* [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (2006)
* [[V for Vendetta (film)]] (2006)
* [[Valkyrie (film)]] (2008)
* [[Tron: Legacy]] (2010)
* [[Dredd (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] (2014)
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] (2015)

== Favorite Quotes ==

* The sunrise was the colour of bad blood. It leaked out of the east and stained the dark sky red, marked the scraps of the cloud with stolen gold. Underneath it the road twisted up the mountainside towards the fortress of Fontezarmo - a cluster of sharp towers, ash-black again the wounded heavens. The sunrise was red, black and gold. The colours of their profession.
** Joe Abercrombie, ''Best Served Cold'' (2009)

* We do not murder. We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage, or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all of these reasons are in the highest degree suspect. Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears will catch the clink of evil's scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language. No, we do it for the money. And because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money. There can be few cleaner motives, shorn of all pretense.
** Dr. Cruces of the Ankh-Morpork Assassin's Guild, in ''Pyramids'' (1989) by Terry Pratchett

* ''Das Beste oder nichts''
** Gottlieb Daimler's personal motto, translatable as &quot;The best or nothing at all&quot;, &quot;Nothing but the best&quot; or &quot;The best or nothing&quot;. The third translation was adopted for the English version of the motto of Mercedes-Benz starting in 2010.

:Oh that my Pow'r to Saving were confin’d:
:Why am I forc’d, like Heav’n, against my mind,
:To make Examples of another Kind?
:Must I at length the Sword of Justice draw?
:Oh curst Effects of necessary Law!
:How ill my Fear they by my Mercy scan,
:Beware the Fury of a Patient Man.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitophel'' (1681), Pt. I, line 999–1005. Compare Publius Syrus, Maxim 289, &quot;Furor fit læsa sæpius patientia&quot; (&quot;An over-taxed patience gives way to fierce anger&quot;).

:Happy the man, and happy he alone,
:He who can call today his own;
:He who, secure within, can say,
:Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Imitation of Horace'' (1685), Book III, Ode 29, lines 65–68.

* Those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth. And let me remind you, they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyrannies. Absolute power does corrupt, and those who seek it must be suspect and must be opposed. Their mistaken course stems from false notions of equality, ladies and gentlemen. Equality, rightly understood, as our founding fathers understood it, leads to liberty and to the emancipation of creative differences. Wrongly understood, as it has been so tragically in our time, it leads first to conformity and then to despotism.
** [[Barry Goldwater]], in his acceptance speech as the Republican candidate in the 1964 U.S. presidential election.

:*Out of the night that covers me,
:Black as the pit from pole to pole,
:I thank whatever gods may be
:for my unconquerable soul.

:*In the fell clutch of circumstance
:I have not winced nor cried aloud.
:Under the bludgeonings of chance
:My head is bloody, but unbowed.

:*Beyond this place of wrath and tears
:Looms but the Horror of the shade,
:And yet the menace of the years
:Finds and shall find me unafraid.

:*It matters not how strait the gate,
:How charged with punishments the scroll,
:I am the master of my fate:
:I am the captain of my soul.
:* William Ernest Henley, ''Invictus'' (1875)

* No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
* [[H.L. Mencken]], 'Notes on Journalism' in the ''Chicago Tribune'', 19 September 1926

* Calm is what you have to be when people look to you. And it's all you can be when things are out of your hands.
** Colonel James Hsu, ''Fallout: New Vegas'' (2010)

* STRIKE FIRST &lt;br&gt;STRIKE HARD &lt;br&gt;NO MERCY
** [[The Karate Kid]] (1984)

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Fleet Admiral [[Ernest King]], ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) p. viii

* The central core of truth is that Christmas turns everything upside down, the upside of heaven come down to earth. The Christmas story puts a new value on every man. He is not a thing to be used, not a chemical accident, not an educated ape. Every man is a V.I.P., because he has divine worth. That was revealed when “Love came down at Christmas.” A scientist said, making a plea for exchange scholarships between nations, “The best way to send an idea is to wrap it up in a person.” That was what happened at Christmas. The idea of divine love was wrapped up in a person. Christmas is good news in a world of bad news. … Christmas brings hope to a dark world.
: ~ [[Halford E. Luccock]]; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 December 2017 ~

:Forgive him who wrongs you;
:join him who cuts you off;
:do good to him who does evil to you;
:and speak the truth
:even if it be against yourself.
:~ Inscription on the Sword of Muhammad; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 June 2017 ~

* ''Per Ardua Ad Astra''
** Motto of the Royal Air Force; translates as &quot;Through Adversity to the Stars&quot;

* ''Serve To Lead''
** Motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

:Love all, trust a few,
:Do wrong to none.
:* William Shakespeare, ''All's Well That Ends Well'', displayed as the Quote of the Day for 13 February 2018

* The news today about &quot;Atomic bombs&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes: calmly plotting the destruction of the world! Such explosives in men's hands, while their moral and intellectual status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you hope &quot;this will ensure peace&quot;. ... Well we're in God's hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J.R.R. Tolkien]], displayed as the Quote of the Day for 3 January 2018

* ''Non Sibi Sed Patriae''
** Unofficial motto of the United States Navy, translates to English as &quot;Not for Self but for Country&quot;

* ''A Posse Ad Esse''
** Motto of the Woodberry Forest School; translates to English as &quot;From Possibility to Actuality&quot;

== Pages Created ==
=== 2011 ===
* [[Lord of the Flies (1990 film)]] - 25 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant]] - 29 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[28 Weeks Later]] - 30 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood]] 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] - 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Castle]] - 12 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] - 14 September 2011 (anonymous)

=== 2012 ===
* [[Carriers (film)]] - 17 January 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] - 19 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] - 28 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Call of Duty 3]] - 8 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] - 11 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Swing Kids]] - 13 April 2012 (anonymous)
=== 2016 ===
* [[Ernest King]] - 19 March 2016 (anonymous; I created this account just after creating this page)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] - 27 March 2016
* [[Mark W. Clark]] - 15 April 2016
* [[William Westmoreland]] - 16 July 2016 (This page had actually been created once before, but it was deleted due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Wheeler L. Baker]] - 12 August 2016
* [[Maxwell D. Taylor]] - 19 August 2016
* [[Bruce Palmer, Jr.]] - 20 August 2016
* [[George S. Patton IV]] - 11 November 2016
=== 2017 ===
* [[Pat Conroy]] - 27 April 2017
* [[James Dashner]] - 28 April 2017
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] - 1 June 2017
* [[RoboCop 2]] - 15 November 2017
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] - 12 December 2017
* [[The Ogre (1996 film)]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The Long Gray Line]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The D.I. (film)]] - 20 December 2017
=== 2018 ===
* [[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]] - 25 March 2018
* [[Maze Runner: The Death Cure]] - 1 April 2018
* [[Ann E. Dunwoody]] - 17 October 2018
* [[Rules of Engagement (film)]] - 22 October 2018
* [[Salvatore Giunta]] - 31 October 2018
=== 2019 ===
* [[Alvah Bessie]]- 19 January 2019
* [[Edson Raff]] - 19 January 2019
* [[William D. Leahy]] - 27 January 2019
* [[John Gunther]] - 2 February 2019
* [[Spanish Civil War]] - 9 February 2019
* [[Arthur Rostron]] - 2 March 2019
* [[Hugh L. Scott]] - 3 April 2019
* [[Brightburn]] - 31 May 2019
* [[Mercenary]] - 9 June 2019
* [[Alexander Vandegrift]]- 9 June 2019
* [[Hampden-Sydney College]]- 5 August 2019
* [[William Slim, 1st Viscount Slim]]- 10 November 2019
=== 2020 ===
* [[Lynn Compton]]- 14 March 2020
* [[Donald Malarkey]]- 21 March 2020
* [[MJ Hegar]]- 2 May 2020
* [[Harold Keith]]- 18 August 2020
* [[Maryland]]- 6 September 2020
* [[Raymond A. Spruance]]- 2 November 2020
* [[Irish Civil War]]- 5 November 2020
* [[Kyle Carpenter]]- 9 November 2020
* [[Black Cadillac (film)]]- 10 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2]]- 11 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay- Part 1]]- 18 November 2020
* [[Cornell University]]- 23 November 2020
* [[Virginia Military Institute]]- 25 November 2020
* [[United States Military Academy]]- 25 November 2020
* [[The Citadel]]- 29 November 2020
* [[Kiem Do]]- 8 December 2020
* [[Premium Rush]]- 12 December 2020
* [[Russian Civil War]]- 22 December 2020
* [[Jack Bamford]]- 29 December 2020
=== 2021 ===
* [[Hugh Shelton]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Richard Winters]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Hitler Youth]]- 7 January 2021
* [[William Calley]]- 1 February 2021
* [[Austin Mahone]]- 11 February 2021
* [[Harry F. Byrd]]- 12 February 2021
* [[Keith Whitley]]- 15 February 2021
* [[Enzo Ferrari]]- 18 February 2021
* [[Wentworth Military Academy and College]]- 12 May 2021
* [[Brooklyn Nine-Nine (season 8)]]- 3 November 2021
* [[Wonder (film)]]- 28 November 2021
* [[David Halberstam]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Thomas Jones (civil servant)]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Chinese Civil War]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Ty Seidule]]- 15 December 2021
* [[United States Naval Academy]]- 15 December 2021
=== 2022 ===
* [[Bob Altemeyer]]- 3 January 2022
* [[Leo Amery]] - 3 January 2022
* [[Republic of Vietnam Navy]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Royal Air Force]]- 5 January 2022
* [[British Army]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Percy Spender]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Flamethrower]]- 8 January 2022
* [[82nd Airborne Division]]- 8 January 2022
* [[Tank]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Mark Levin]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted in 2007 and again in 2008 due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Ferrari]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted twice in 2009 due to a total lack of sourced quotes.)
* [[Saab Automobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Oldsmobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Cadillac]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Judith Levine]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harmful to Minors]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harold Lindsell]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Max Rafferty]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Buick]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Ranger School]]- 24 March 2022
* [[Irish Naval Service]]- 22 April 2022
* [[Critical race theory]]- 5 May 2022
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]- 16 May 2022
* [[MG 42]]- 4 June 2022
* [[Edgar Huff]]- 5 June 2022
* [[William Guarnere]]- 6 June 2022
* [[M1 Garand]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Edward Heffron]]- 6 June 2022
* [[James Forrestal]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Sue Klebold]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Husband E. Kimmel]]- 6 June 2022
* [[John J. McNeill]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Frank John Hughes]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Ford Motor Company]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Irish Air Corps]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Rudy Reyes (actor)]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Evan Wright]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Nathaniel Fick]]- 17 June 2022

=== 2023 ===
=== 2024 ===

== Planned Pages ==
* 75th Ranger Regiment
* Army of the Republic of Vietnam
* Henry H. Arnold, General of the Army, General of the Air Force
* Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke. British Army. Chief of the Imperial General Staff, 1941-1946.
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 6)
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 7)
* Joseph Buttigieg, former William R. Kenan Professor of English at University of Notre Dame 
* Charles B. Dew, Woodberry Forest School Class of 1954, American Civil War historian
* Child abuse
* Detroit: Become Human
* Escape to Witch Mountain (1975 film)
* The Elder Scrolls III: Tribunal
* The Elder Scrolls III: Bloodmoon
* The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
* Exit (2019 film)
* Bradley A. Fiske, USNA Class of 1875
* Flame tank
* Andrew A. Humphreys, USMA Class of 1831
* Aubrey H. Camden
* Irish Army
* Italian Civil War
* Lisa Jakub, former child actor, author of ''You Look Like That Girl: A Child Actor Stops Pretending and Finally Grows Up'' (2015), and ''Not Just Me: Anxiety, Depression, and Learning to Embrace Your Weird'' (2017)
* Tim Kennedy
* David Lipsky, author
* John J. McNeill
* James McBrayer Sellers, USMC (1917-1944)
* James M. Sellers Jr.
* George B. McClellan, USMA Class of 1846, 4th Commanding General of the United States Army
* Kemper Military School
* Nancy Mace- 1st female graduate of The Citadel
* MechWarrior 2: Mercenaries
* Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction
* Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
* Cao Van Vien, one of only two 4-star generals in the history of South Vietnam
* Oakland Motor Car Company
* Dave Richard Palmer, USMA Class of 1956, 53rd Superintendent of the United States Military Academy
* Plymouth (automobile)
* Premature (2014 film)
* University of Richmond
* University of Virginia
* Republic of Vietnam Airborne Division
* Republic of Vietnam Air Force
* Rolls-Royce
* Royal Marines
* Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse- 2015 film
* Harry G. Summers Jr.- US Army, Ret., author
* Survivor guilt
* United States Air Force Academy
* Robert Grainger Ker Thompson, RAF officer, counterinsurgency warfare expert in Vietnam War
* The Aeronauts (film), 2019 film
* The Day Will Come (2016 film)
* The Sadness, 2021 Taiwanese horror film
* The Thinning, 2016 YouTube film
* The Thinning: New World Order, 2018 YouTube film
* Tiger tank
* Toyota
* Ukrainian Air Force
* Ukrainian Navy
* Ukrainian Army
* Ukrainian Air Assault Forces
* Ukrainian Special Forces
* Vietnamese Rangers, elite light infantry of the ARVN

== Project Pages ==
* [[101st Airborne Division]]
* [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol]]
* [[Frank Abagnale]]
* Bob Altemeyer
* [[Perry Anderson]]
* [[Authoritarianism]]
* [[The Black Cauldron (film)]]
* [[Bayonet]]
* [[Bisexuality]]
* [[Wilhelm Bittrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Boy]]
* [[Anita Bryant]]
* [[Neville Chamberlain]], British prime minister
* Cornell University
* Critical race theory
* [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.]]
* [[Chester W. Nimitz|Chester Nimitz]]
* [[Dictatorship]]
* [[Sepp Dietrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Elizabeth II]]
* [[John Feffer]]
* Enzo Ferrari
* [[FernGully: The Last Rainforest]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Fascism]]
* [[Girls]]
* William Guarnere
* [[Heinz Guderian]]
* [[Günter Grass]]
* [[Rodolfo Graziani]]
* [[Tom Hanks]]
* [[Chris Hedges]]
* [[Harvard University]]
* Edward Heffron
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[Honda]]
* Edgar Huff
* Frank John Hughes
* [[Cordell Hull]]
* [[E. W. Howe]]- Page needs expansion from each of Howe's books/writings, as well as quotes about him
* [[Lee Iacocca]]
* [[Iraq War]]
* Irish Air Corps
* [[Islamophobia]]
* Harold Keith- Need to expand this page with more quotes from Keith's 16 books. So far have quotes from two.
* [[Korean War]]
* [[The Last Unicorn (film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[William D. Leahy|William Leahy]]
* [[Henry M. Leland]]
* [[James Longstreet]]
* [[Robert Lutz]]
* [[David Mamet]]
* John J. McNeill
* [[George Meade]]
* Samuel Eliot Morison
* [[John Money]]- stub page
* [[Mrs. Doubtfire]]
* [[The Mummy (1999 film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[The Mummy Returns]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Otto Ohlendorf]]
* [[The Pagemaster]]- 1994 film, LOQ trimming project
* [[Joachim Peiper]], Waffen-SS colonel
* [[Józef Piłsudski]]
* [[Poland]]
* [[Erwin Rommel]]
* Rules of Engagement (film)- 128 minutes runtime, LOQ of 5 quotes per hour for films= 11 authorized quotes. Film currently has 5.
* [[Gerd von Rundstedt]], German Army general in World War II
* [[Same-sex marriage]]- Extremely short page, in dire need of added quotes
* [[Baldur von Schirach]]
* Hugh L. Scott
* [[Secularism]]
* [[Otto Skorzeny]], Waffen-SS commando
* [[Suicide]]
* [[Stand and Deliver]]- Editing quotes and dialogue, LOQ trimming
* [[Top Gun: Maverick]]- Adding quotes and dialogue
* [[Timothy D. Snyder]]
* [[Trumpism]]
* United States Military Academy
* Republic of Vietnam Navy
* [[Vietnam War]]
* Waffen-SS
* [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)]]
* [[Betty White]]
* Richard Winters
* [[Yale University]]

== Completed Project Pages ==
* [[Bullying]]
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]
* [[Down Periscope]]
* [[The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind]]
* The General's Daughter (film)
* [[The Hobbit (1977 film)]] 
* Ernest King
* [[Liar Liar]]
* [[Douglas MacArthur]]</text>
      <sha1>p3ewy9ojn8kz34pwvefc2mwg8aigwlm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150312</id>
      <parentid>3150291</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T15:43:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AC9016</username>
        <id>2870313</id>
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      <comment>/* 2022 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="21411" xml:space="preserve">== About AC9016 ==

* I am a Wikiquote user who worked on here anonymously from 2011 to when I created an account in 2016. Since then I have done pretty much the same thing as I was doing before- creating pages for movies, books, people and shows and improving existing pages on movies, books, people and shows whenever I can. I have created the list of pages shown below, and have edited many others. I do my best to comply with site formatting and regulations, but most of all I'm trying to make the site better. I believe that making the site better matters more than strict, legalistic adherence to the rules. Wikiquote offers us the opportunity to make books, films, shows, works of a wide range of types and subjects, available for the entire world to view selections from. We can't show them the whole book, but we can show them some of its gems. We can't show them a movie, but we can show people some of its best dialogue and statements. Wikiquote is a great site, and my goal, as I said, is to do as much as I can to make it better than when I found it. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 19:58, 7 December 2017 (UTC)
:I take great pride in not just the number of pages that exist because of me, but what pages they are- generals, admirals, heroes, movies, wars that have altered the course of history. Getting to create new pages, giving a voice of sorts to individuals and events and institutions that anyone can freely look up and use as a starting point for further research- that, in a nutshell, is the point of Wikipedia and Wikiquote. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 02:51, 10 November 2020 (UTC)

== Favorite Movies ==
Not a complete list, but here are some that I like.
* [[Casablanca (film)]] (1942)
* [[It's a Wonderful Life]] (1946)
* [[The Long Gray Line]] (1955)
* [[12 Angry Men]] (1957)
* [[The D.I. (film)]] (1957)
* [[The Great Escape (film)]] (1963)
* [[Zulu (film)]] (1964)
* [[In the Heat of the Night (film)]] (1967)
* [[Battle of Britain (film)]] (1969)
* [[Kelly's Heroes]] (1970)
* [[Patton (film)]] (1970)
* [[The Omen]] (1976)
* [[MacArthur (film)]] (1977)
* [[Smokey and the Bandit]] (1977)
* [[Star Wars (film)]] (1977)
* [[Damien: Omen II]] (1978)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] (1981)
* [[Taps]] (1981)
* [[Tank (film)]] (1984)
* [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (1986)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] (1986)
* [[Home Alone]] (1990)
* [[Other People's Money]] (1991)
* [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]] (1992)
* [[Scent of a Woman]] (1992)
* [[The Good Son (film)]] (1993)
* [[The Mask (film)]] (1994)
* [[Toy Story]] (1995)
* [[Broken Arrow (1996 film)]]
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] (1996)
* [[Sgt. Bilko]] (1996)
* [[Home Alone 3]] (1997)
* [[Mulan (1998 film)]]
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] (1999)
* [[Toy Story 2]] (1999)
* [[Titan AE]] (2000)
* [[The Last Castle]] (2001)
* [[Treasure Planet]] (2002)
* [[We Were Soldiers]] (2002)
* [[Elephant (film)]] (2003)
* [[Zero Day (film)]] (2003)
* [[Lord of War]] (2005)
* [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (2006)
* [[V for Vendetta (film)]] (2006)
* [[Valkyrie (film)]] (2008)
* [[Tron: Legacy]] (2010)
* [[Dredd (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] (2012)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] (2014)
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] (2015)

== Favorite Quotes ==

* The sunrise was the colour of bad blood. It leaked out of the east and stained the dark sky red, marked the scraps of the cloud with stolen gold. Underneath it the road twisted up the mountainside towards the fortress of Fontezarmo - a cluster of sharp towers, ash-black again the wounded heavens. The sunrise was red, black and gold. The colours of their profession.
** Joe Abercrombie, ''Best Served Cold'' (2009)

* We do not murder. We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage, or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all of these reasons are in the highest degree suspect. Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears will catch the clink of evil's scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language. No, we do it for the money. And because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money. There can be few cleaner motives, shorn of all pretense.
** Dr. Cruces of the Ankh-Morpork Assassin's Guild, in ''Pyramids'' (1989) by Terry Pratchett

* ''Das Beste oder nichts''
** Gottlieb Daimler's personal motto, translatable as &quot;The best or nothing at all&quot;, &quot;Nothing but the best&quot; or &quot;The best or nothing&quot;. The third translation was adopted for the English version of the motto of Mercedes-Benz starting in 2010.

:Oh that my Pow'r to Saving were confin’d:
:Why am I forc’d, like Heav’n, against my mind,
:To make Examples of another Kind?
:Must I at length the Sword of Justice draw?
:Oh curst Effects of necessary Law!
:How ill my Fear they by my Mercy scan,
:Beware the Fury of a Patient Man.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitophel'' (1681), Pt. I, line 999–1005. Compare Publius Syrus, Maxim 289, &quot;Furor fit læsa sæpius patientia&quot; (&quot;An over-taxed patience gives way to fierce anger&quot;).

:Happy the man, and happy he alone,
:He who can call today his own;
:He who, secure within, can say,
:Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.
:* [[John Dryden]], ''Imitation of Horace'' (1685), Book III, Ode 29, lines 65–68.

* Those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth. And let me remind you, they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyrannies. Absolute power does corrupt, and those who seek it must be suspect and must be opposed. Their mistaken course stems from false notions of equality, ladies and gentlemen. Equality, rightly understood, as our founding fathers understood it, leads to liberty and to the emancipation of creative differences. Wrongly understood, as it has been so tragically in our time, it leads first to conformity and then to despotism.
** [[Barry Goldwater]], in his acceptance speech as the Republican candidate in the 1964 U.S. presidential election.

:*Out of the night that covers me,
:Black as the pit from pole to pole,
:I thank whatever gods may be
:for my unconquerable soul.

:*In the fell clutch of circumstance
:I have not winced nor cried aloud.
:Under the bludgeonings of chance
:My head is bloody, but unbowed.

:*Beyond this place of wrath and tears
:Looms but the Horror of the shade,
:And yet the menace of the years
:Finds and shall find me unafraid.

:*It matters not how strait the gate,
:How charged with punishments the scroll,
:I am the master of my fate:
:I am the captain of my soul.
:* William Ernest Henley, ''Invictus'' (1875)

* No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
* [[H.L. Mencken]], 'Notes on Journalism' in the ''Chicago Tribune'', 19 September 1926

* Calm is what you have to be when people look to you. And it's all you can be when things are out of your hands.
** Colonel James Hsu, ''Fallout: New Vegas'' (2010)

* STRIKE FIRST &lt;br&gt;STRIKE HARD &lt;br&gt;NO MERCY
** [[The Karate Kid]] (1984)

* War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them.
** Fleet Admiral [[Ernest King]], ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) p. viii

* The central core of truth is that Christmas turns everything upside down, the upside of heaven come down to earth. The Christmas story puts a new value on every man. He is not a thing to be used, not a chemical accident, not an educated ape. Every man is a V.I.P., because he has divine worth. That was revealed when “Love came down at Christmas.” A scientist said, making a plea for exchange scholarships between nations, “The best way to send an idea is to wrap it up in a person.” That was what happened at Christmas. The idea of divine love was wrapped up in a person. Christmas is good news in a world of bad news. … Christmas brings hope to a dark world.
: ~ [[Halford E. Luccock]]; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 December 2017 ~

:Forgive him who wrongs you;
:join him who cuts you off;
:do good to him who does evil to you;
:and speak the truth
:even if it be against yourself.
:~ Inscription on the Sword of Muhammad; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 June 2017 ~

* ''Per Ardua Ad Astra''
** Motto of the Royal Air Force; translates as &quot;Through Adversity to the Stars&quot;

* ''Serve To Lead''
** Motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

:Love all, trust a few,
:Do wrong to none.
:* William Shakespeare, ''All's Well That Ends Well'', displayed as the Quote of the Day for 13 February 2018

* The news today about &quot;Atomic bombs&quot; is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes: calmly plotting the destruction of the world! Such explosives in men's hands, while their moral and intellectual status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you hope &quot;this will ensure peace&quot;. ... Well we're in God's hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders.
** [[J.R.R. Tolkien]], displayed as the Quote of the Day for 3 January 2018

* ''Non Sibi Sed Patriae''
** Unofficial motto of the United States Navy, translates to English as &quot;Not for Self but for Country&quot;

* ''A Posse Ad Esse''
** Motto of the Woodberry Forest School; translates to English as &quot;From Possibility to Actuality&quot;

== Pages Created ==
=== 2011 ===
* [[Lord of the Flies (1990 film)]] - 25 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant]] - 29 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[28 Weeks Later]] - 30 August 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood]] 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] - 5 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Castle]] - 12 September 2011 (anonymous)
* [[The Last Days of Patton]] - 14 September 2011 (anonymous)

=== 2012 ===
* [[Carriers (film)]] - 17 January 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Michael Collins (film)]] - 19 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[The Hunger Games (film)]] - 28 March 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Call of Duty 3]] - 8 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] - 11 April 2012 (anonymous)
* [[Swing Kids]] - 13 April 2012 (anonymous)
=== 2016 ===
* [[Ernest King]] - 19 March 2016 (anonymous; I created this account just after creating this page)
* [[The Maze Runner (film)]] - 27 March 2016
* [[Mark W. Clark]] - 15 April 2016
* [[William Westmoreland]] - 16 July 2016 (This page had actually been created once before, but it was deleted due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Wheeler L. Baker]] - 12 August 2016
* [[Maxwell D. Taylor]] - 19 August 2016
* [[Bruce Palmer, Jr.]] - 20 August 2016
* [[George S. Patton IV]] - 11 November 2016
=== 2017 ===
* [[Pat Conroy]] - 27 April 2017
* [[James Dashner]] - 28 April 2017
* [[The General's Daughter (film)]] - 1 June 2017
* [[RoboCop 2]] - 15 November 2017
* [[Look Who's Back (film)]] - 12 December 2017
* [[The Ogre (1996 film)]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The Long Gray Line]] - 15 December 2017
* [[The D.I. (film)]] - 20 December 2017
=== 2018 ===
* [[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]] - 25 March 2018
* [[Maze Runner: The Death Cure]] - 1 April 2018
* [[Ann E. Dunwoody]] - 17 October 2018
* [[Rules of Engagement (film)]] - 22 October 2018
* [[Salvatore Giunta]] - 31 October 2018
=== 2019 ===
* [[Alvah Bessie]]- 19 January 2019
* [[Edson Raff]] - 19 January 2019
* [[William D. Leahy]] - 27 January 2019
* [[John Gunther]] - 2 February 2019
* [[Spanish Civil War]] - 9 February 2019
* [[Arthur Rostron]] - 2 March 2019
* [[Hugh L. Scott]] - 3 April 2019
* [[Brightburn]] - 31 May 2019
* [[Mercenary]] - 9 June 2019
* [[Alexander Vandegrift]]- 9 June 2019
* [[Hampden-Sydney College]]- 5 August 2019
* [[William Slim, 1st Viscount Slim]]- 10 November 2019
=== 2020 ===
* [[Lynn Compton]]- 14 March 2020
* [[Donald Malarkey]]- 21 March 2020
* [[MJ Hegar]]- 2 May 2020
* [[Harold Keith]]- 18 August 2020
* [[Maryland]]- 6 September 2020
* [[Raymond A. Spruance]]- 2 November 2020
* [[Irish Civil War]]- 5 November 2020
* [[Kyle Carpenter]]- 9 November 2020
* [[Black Cadillac (film)]]- 10 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2]]- 11 November 2020
* [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay- Part 1]]- 18 November 2020
* [[Cornell University]]- 23 November 2020
* [[Virginia Military Institute]]- 25 November 2020
* [[United States Military Academy]]- 25 November 2020
* [[The Citadel]]- 29 November 2020
* [[Kiem Do]]- 8 December 2020
* [[Premium Rush]]- 12 December 2020
* [[Russian Civil War]]- 22 December 2020
* [[Jack Bamford]]- 29 December 2020
=== 2021 ===
* [[Hugh Shelton]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Richard Winters]]- 7 January 2021
* [[Hitler Youth]]- 7 January 2021
* [[William Calley]]- 1 February 2021
* [[Austin Mahone]]- 11 February 2021
* [[Harry F. Byrd]]- 12 February 2021
* [[Keith Whitley]]- 15 February 2021
* [[Enzo Ferrari]]- 18 February 2021
* [[Wentworth Military Academy and College]]- 12 May 2021
* [[Brooklyn Nine-Nine (season 8)]]- 3 November 2021
* [[Wonder (film)]]- 28 November 2021
* [[David Halberstam]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Thomas Jones (civil servant)]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Chinese Civil War]]- 15 December 2021
* [[Ty Seidule]]- 15 December 2021
* [[United States Naval Academy]]- 15 December 2021
=== 2022 ===
* [[Bob Altemeyer]]- 3 January 2022
* [[Leo Amery]] - 3 January 2022
* [[Republic of Vietnam Navy]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Royal Air Force]]- 5 January 2022
* [[British Army]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Percy Spender]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]- 5 January 2022
* [[Flamethrower]]- 8 January 2022
* [[82nd Airborne Division]]- 8 January 2022
* [[Tank]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Mark Levin]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted in 2007 and again in 2008 due to there being no properly sourced quotes.)
* [[Ferrari]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted twice in 2009 due to a total lack of sourced quotes.)
* [[Saab Automobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Oldsmobile]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Cadillac]]- 16 January 2022
* [[Judith Levine]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harmful to Minors]]- 17 January 2022
* [[Harold Lindsell]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Max Rafferty]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Buick]]- 6 February 2022
* [[Ranger School]]- 24 March 2022
* [[Irish Naval Service]]- 22 April 2022
* [[Critical race theory]]- 5 May 2022
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]- 16 May 2022
* [[MG 42]]- 4 June 2022
* [[Edgar Huff]]- 5 June 2022
* [[William Guarnere]]- 6 June 2022
* [[M1 Garand]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Edward Heffron]]- 6 June 2022
* [[James Forrestal]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Sue Klebold]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Husband E. Kimmel]]- 6 June 2022
* [[John J. McNeill]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Frank John Hughes]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Ford Motor Company]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Irish Air Corps]]- 6 June 2022
* [[Rudy Reyes (actor)]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Evan Wright]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Nathaniel Fick]]- 17 June 2022
* [[Kemper Military School]]- 1 August 2022

=== 2023 ===
=== 2024 ===

== Planned Pages ==
* 75th Ranger Regiment
* Army of the Republic of Vietnam
* Henry H. Arnold, General of the Army, General of the Air Force
* Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke. British Army. Chief of the Imperial General Staff, 1941-1946.
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 6)
* Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 7)
* Joseph Buttigieg, former William R. Kenan Professor of English at University of Notre Dame 
* Charles B. Dew, Woodberry Forest School Class of 1954, American Civil War historian
* Child abuse
* Detroit: Become Human
* Escape to Witch Mountain (1975 film)
* The Elder Scrolls III: Tribunal
* The Elder Scrolls III: Bloodmoon
* The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
* Exit (2019 film)
* Bradley A. Fiske, USNA Class of 1875
* Flame tank
* Andrew A. Humphreys, USMA Class of 1831
* Aubrey H. Camden
* Irish Army
* Italian Civil War
* Lisa Jakub, former child actor, author of ''You Look Like That Girl: A Child Actor Stops Pretending and Finally Grows Up'' (2015), and ''Not Just Me: Anxiety, Depression, and Learning to Embrace Your Weird'' (2017)
* Tim Kennedy
* David Lipsky, author
* John J. McNeill
* James McBrayer Sellers, USMC (1917-1944)
* James M. Sellers Jr.
* George B. McClellan, USMA Class of 1846, 4th Commanding General of the United States Army
* Kemper Military School
* Nancy Mace- 1st female graduate of The Citadel
* MechWarrior 2: Mercenaries
* Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction
* Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
* Cao Van Vien, one of only two 4-star generals in the history of South Vietnam
* Oakland Motor Car Company
* Dave Richard Palmer, USMA Class of 1956, 53rd Superintendent of the United States Military Academy
* Plymouth (automobile)
* Premature (2014 film)
* University of Richmond
* University of Virginia
* Republic of Vietnam Airborne Division
* Republic of Vietnam Air Force
* Rolls-Royce
* Royal Marines
* Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse- 2015 film
* Harry G. Summers Jr.- US Army, Ret., author
* Survivor guilt
* United States Air Force Academy
* Robert Grainger Ker Thompson, RAF officer, counterinsurgency warfare expert in Vietnam War
* The Aeronauts (film), 2019 film
* The Day Will Come (2016 film)
* The Sadness, 2021 Taiwanese horror film
* The Thinning, 2016 YouTube film
* The Thinning: New World Order, 2018 YouTube film
* Tiger tank
* Toyota
* Ukrainian Air Force
* Ukrainian Navy
* Ukrainian Army
* Ukrainian Air Assault Forces
* Ukrainian Special Forces
* Vietnamese Rangers, elite light infantry of the ARVN

== Project Pages ==
* [[101st Airborne Division]]
* [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol]]
* [[Frank Abagnale]]
* Bob Altemeyer
* [[Perry Anderson]]
* [[Authoritarianism]]
* [[The Black Cauldron (film)]]
* [[Bayonet]]
* [[Bisexuality]]
* [[Wilhelm Bittrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Boy]]
* [[Anita Bryant]]
* [[Neville Chamberlain]], British prime minister
* Cornell University
* Critical race theory
* [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.]]
* [[Chester W. Nimitz|Chester Nimitz]]
* [[Dictatorship]]
* [[Sepp Dietrich]], Waffen-SS general
* [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Elizabeth II]]
* [[John Feffer]]
* Enzo Ferrari
* [[FernGully: The Last Rainforest]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Fascism]]
* [[Girls]]
* William Guarnere
* [[Heinz Guderian]]
* [[Günter Grass]]
* [[Rodolfo Graziani]]
* [[Tom Hanks]]
* [[Chris Hedges]]
* [[Harvard University]]
* Edward Heffron
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[Honda]]
* Edgar Huff
* Frank John Hughes
* [[Cordell Hull]]
* [[E. W. Howe]]- Page needs expansion from each of Howe's books/writings, as well as quotes about him
* [[Lee Iacocca]]
* [[Iraq War]]
* Irish Air Corps
* [[Islamophobia]]
* Harold Keith- Need to expand this page with more quotes from Keith's 16 books. So far have quotes from two.
* [[Korean War]]
* [[The Last Unicorn (film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[William D. Leahy|William Leahy]]
* [[Henry M. Leland]]
* [[James Longstreet]]
* [[Robert Lutz]]
* [[David Mamet]]
* John J. McNeill
* [[George Meade]]
* Samuel Eliot Morison
* [[John Money]]- stub page
* [[Mrs. Doubtfire]]
* [[The Mummy (1999 film)]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[The Mummy Returns]]- LOQ trimming project
* [[Otto Ohlendorf]]
* [[The Pagemaster]]- 1994 film, LOQ trimming project
* [[Joachim Peiper]], Waffen-SS colonel
* [[Józef Piłsudski]]
* [[Poland]]
* [[Erwin Rommel]]
* Rules of Engagement (film)- 128 minutes runtime, LOQ of 5 quotes per hour for films= 11 authorized quotes. Film currently has 5.
* [[Gerd von Rundstedt]], German Army general in World War II
* [[Same-sex marriage]]- Extremely short page, in dire need of added quotes
* [[Baldur von Schirach]]
* Hugh L. Scott
* [[Secularism]]
* [[Otto Skorzeny]], Waffen-SS commando
* [[Suicide]]
* [[Stand and Deliver]]- Editing quotes and dialogue, LOQ trimming
* [[Top Gun: Maverick]]- Adding quotes and dialogue
* [[Timothy D. Snyder]]
* [[Trumpism]]
* United States Military Academy
* Republic of Vietnam Navy
* [[Vietnam War]]
* Waffen-SS
* [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)]]
* [[Betty White]]
* Richard Winters
* [[Yale University]]

== Completed Project Pages ==
* [[Bullying]]
* [[Conflict: Vietnam]]
* [[Down Periscope]]
* [[The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind]]
* The General's Daughter (film)
* [[The Hobbit (1977 film)]] 
* Ernest King
* [[Liar Liar]]
* [[Douglas MacArthur]]</text>
      <sha1>n03bigrrqb12ob3kkho6faf7574bkbu</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Talk:Somnath temple</title>
    <ns>1</ns>
    <id>200796</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150330</id>
      <parentid>2376842</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:05:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2409:4081:E0D:FE38:3DA4:F053:A170:DD27</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Somnath temple information */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="30405" xml:space="preserve">==False assertions==

[[User:Jedi3]] is asserting false reasons and is getting involved in edit war. However as I don't want to I have reverted myself for now [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Somnath_temple&amp;diff=2337515&amp;oldid=2337466]. The reasons given by him are fairly trivial. He claims quotes by fictional authors are important. How? He never explains. 

He also keeps telling to shift it to Disputed or Misattributed (basically they are same as there is a dispute regarding about wrong attribution in all of them). However, those sections are only for quotes that actually are disputed or misattributed. See [[Wikipedia: Misattributed]] and [[Template:Remove]]. His quote is not disputed or misattributed.

In addition, the removal of quotes is allowed with an edit summary and should &quot;almost always&quot; be moved to talk page. His assertion that quotes can't be removed is false. Though it wasn't me who originally removed them, I am monitoring Jedi3 and reverting his disruptive actions. Instead of edit-warring everywhere and making things up, I suggest he read the rules. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 02:10, 11 January 2018 (UTC)

:You did not move the quote to the talkpage as required and as explained to you several times by several people (also on your talkpage). If you do not move it, the deletion can be reverted for this reason alone.
:Additionally, for this article, this quote is relevant and important. The quote comes from a very influential novel (first detective novel), and the main plot device is the moonstone, whose origin and final destination is Somnath temple. So the novel's description of Somnath is very relevant for this article. You are also mistaken in your belief that fiction books cannot be quoted.--[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 11:21, 11 January 2018 (UTC)

::{{u|Jedi3}} I am only reverting your edits. That principal of moving to talk page doesn't apply here as my real intention is stopping your disruptive edits. But I started this page to avoid edit war. It doesn't matter if the novel is famous or not or if the author is famous. Is the quote even itself famous? There are a thousand of &quot;influential novels&quot; talking about many historical people or places, for example Caesar, Napoleon, Waterloo, Gettysburg etc
::Why should your addition be treated as special. If we do this, thousands of fictional quotes can be added everywhere. There is no moonstone of Somnath. It is fiction. We cannot add just about anything someone made up. In short this also concerns with notability and relevance to the topic. And as you said the real topic is &quot;The Moonstone&quot;. Somnath is not the real topic. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 12:57, 11 January 2018 (UTC) 
:::You are making it sound like the quote is random, it is not. The quote is about Somnath and therefore relevant. Yes, many English books may talk about Waterloo, but how many English classics talk about Somnath? The book and the &quot;moonstone&quot; is also known as [https://books.google.com.au/books?id=aI8PAAAAMAAJ the Diamond of Somnath Temple]. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 11:33, 12 January 2018 (UTC)

::::{{u|Jedi3}} Your quote is random and not notable. Everything someone says it is not notable. The real subject in your quote is the moonstone's origins. Also the link you claimed [https://books.google.com.au/books?id=aI8PAAAAMAAJ], &quot;The Diamond of Somnath Temple&quot; is not the real title by Collins. You have made a desparate effort that it is known as such. It seems actually made up by additional author or editor - Boman H. Mehta. Read this [https://catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/000665302 link], it clearly says it is an &quot;edited and abridged version&quot; of the &quot;The Moonstone&quot; in 1958, much later than Collins. Just because it talks about Somnath briefly doesn't mean it should be here. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 16:11, 13 January 2018 (UTC)

Also I see only 1 person on my talkpage and repeating the same thing everywhere else, that is you. Do also care to read the rules I left at your own talk page before informing me. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 12:57, 11 January 2018 (UTC)

:[[User:DanielTom]] also told you the same thing on Tipu Sultan about not deleting quotes altogether without moving them, which I'm sure you remember. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 11:33, 12 January 2018 (UTC)

::{{u|Jedi3}} DanielTom was [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Tipu_Sultan&amp;diff=2335452&amp;oldid=2335446 referring] to another editor who removed a quote regarding inscription on Tipu Sultan's sword claiming the quote was not his saying. He only said &quot;the quote should not be removed&quot;, not &quot;no quote should not be removed&quot;. He only referred to the inscription whoch was claimed as Tipu's sayings. Do not twist statements of others and making bad faith allegations.

::Disputed or Misattributed only belongs to dsputed or misattributed quotes. Per [[Template:Remove]] misattributed quotes should be shifted to misattributed. Same is with [[Wikipedia:Misattributed]]. No explicit policy on disputed, but quotes that aren't disputed shouldn't be called &quot;Disputed&quot; as it will be an unsourced claim. Your quote is not disputed or misattributed. 

::Read the rules and follow them instead of making excuses that someone said this or that and making up your own rules of what can be removed or not. The real rules already exist and clarify conditions to add or remove quotes. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 16:11, 13 January 2018 (UTC)

==Removed quote==

I have removed a non-notable quote about which Jedi3 is making poor-excuses. I'm moving it here. Everything someone says is not notable. Whether &quot;The Moonstone&quot; is the only book talking about Somnath, I do not know. But that is not a factor for notability. The factor is clearly detailed in [[WQ:Q#Notability of author or work factor]] &quot;Notability of the author is not required for a quote to be included in a page on a theme. It is the quote itself that must be notable.&quot;

Also Jedi3 has been falsely misrepresenting comments of others and calling for his quotes to be shifted to &quot;Disputed&quot; or &quot;Misattributed&quot;. However, he clearly knows his quotes are not disputed or misattributed about who said them. [[Template:Remove]] and [[Wikiquote:Misattribution]],clearly say it is talking about quotes misattributed to someone. Similar policy should be followed on disputed. Calling something as disputed or misattributed when it is not is an unsourced edit, and unsourced edits are liable to be removed under [[WQ:SAU]].

* ''At that date, the Mohammedan conqueror, [[Mahmud of Ghazni|Mahmoud of Ghizni]], crossed India; seized on the holy city of Somnauth; and stripped of its treasures the famous temple, which had stood for centuries--the shrine of Hindoo pilgrimage, and the wonder of the Eastern world. Of all the deities worshipped in the temple, the moon-god alone escaped the rapacity of the conquering Mohammedans. Preserved by three Brahmins, the inviolate deity, bearing the Yellow Diamond in its forehead, was removed by night, and was transported to the second of the sacred cities of India--the city of Benares.''
**    THE MOONSTONE, A Romance by [[Wilkie Collins]]

[[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 18:53, 21 January 2018 (UTC)

:I still disagree that the quote is not memorable and relevant. Your linked article states that a poignant quote can be included, and I'd say an influential English novel calling Somnath the wonder of the Eastern world is poignant and memorable. Your judgement was already completely wrong in all the Deletion discussions you nominated, which makes me doubt your judgement for such cases.
:I will add the quote back but make it shorter. If you still disagree, I will ask for a second opinion. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 14:41, 23 January 2018 (UTC)
::{{u|Jedi3}} You may disagree all you want, but someone stating something doesn't make it notable administrator. But whose judgment is wrong when you have the problem in following the rules? The quote itself must be notable. [[WQ:Q#Notability of author or work factor]] clearly says &quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable.&quot; 

::Seek second opinion if you want, preferably an administrator who knows the rules and can inform you. But rules remain the same. Follow the rules, if you break them again you should be blocked. Also don't lie again as you did about the title of the much later abridged version being an original alternate title of The Moonstone. There is no space for false claims here. I am not here to bother about your opinion on &quot;my judgments&quot;, only rules. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 22:55, 15 February 2018 (UTC)
:::You quote  [[WQ:Q#Notability of author or work factor]], but have you read it? It is about the notability for a page on a person or a work, not for a particular quote. The next paragraph defines notable as including '''poignant''' or witty quotes. As I said before, an influential English novel calling Somnath the wonder of the Eastern world is a poignant quote. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 11:50, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
::::Have you even read it yourself? The full statement is: &quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable. Thus, a particularly poignant or witty quote may be included even if the identity of the author is unknown.&quot; It clearly says the quote must be notable. It does not say anywhere that quote need not be notable. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 12:39, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::Oxford Dictionary defines notable as &quot;Worthy of attention or notice; remarkable&quot;. The link at [[WQ:Q#Notability of author or work factor]] defines it as a &quot;a particularly poignant or witty quote&quot;. '''You have not explained why the quote in question is not a poignant or a witty quote.'''  As I said before, an influential English novel calling Somnath the wonder of the Eastern world is a poignant quote.  --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 12:47, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::Only read this: &quot;A person may in fact be highly notable for reasons unrelated to authorship of quotes, and yet never say a single thing worth quoting.&quot; There is no rule that it should be there even if not notable. As I said earlier, everything someone says is not notable. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 12:54, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::Yes, and the next sentence says that a notable baseball player may not be notable for quotes, but a poet or a pundit like Wilkie is. All that this says is that people that are only notable for things unrelated to quotes, like a notable baseball player, should not have their own pages on wikiquote. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 13:00, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::Actually it says he may be notable but make no notable quotes, but there are players like [[Yogi Berra]] who make memorable quotes. It doesn't say anything about author or work, simply talks about the quote being memorable, &quot;unless that baseball player is someone like Yogi Berra, known for memorable comments&quot;. [[Template:Fame]] similarly says notable quote from notable author or wok, not any quote. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 13:06, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::Template Fame is for quotes from non-notable people who don't even a wikipedia article. Many people have added quotes from themselves or from their friends, the template is used for such cases. Wilkie however is clearly notable, and a writer of influential works is clearly also known for memorable comments. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 13:16, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::It actually says: &quot;Wikiquote exists for the collecting of notable quotations of famous people and famous works&quot;. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 13:24, 16 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::: '''...not for the posting of quotations of people not yet famous in some field''' Why don't you quote the full sentence? Of course Wilkie is famous in some field, or not? Your edit summary makes no sense at all, notable is defined as including poignant or witty quotes, so you need to prove that the quote is not poignant or witty. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 19:18, 17 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::Why don't you quote it yourself and at the same time stop making up your own claims? I'm only highlighting the condition it lays down for the quote to be notable: '''&quot;...Wikiquote exists for the collecting of notable quotations of famous people and famous works...&quot;'''. Also '''&quot;...not for the posting of quotations of people not yet famous in some field&quot;''' Does it say quote anything from a famous person or famous work? Your &quot;quote&quot; doesn't even fall into the definition of poignant or witty. That's it. Oh and that &quot;poignant or witty&quot; you're repeating actually point-blank lays a condition &quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable.&quot; Full statements? Is your quote notable? [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 23:24, 17 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::You keep repeating the same points without having proven that the quote is not poignant or witty. What you are quoting only regards the question whether an article on a subject can be created, or the case where editors create pages for quotes about themselves or their friends. But this is irrelevant to this quote. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 17:23, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Your the one repeating. You just need a dictionary to know what even poignant or witty is. There is no rule of poignant or witty without them being notable. Neither your quote falls within a mile of being poignant or witty. What I'm quoting actually says Wikiquote exists for notable quotations. Same criteria is repeated elsewhere. Also your &quot;poignant and witty&quot; was from this: ''&quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable. Thus, a particularly poignant or witty quote may be included even if the identity of the author is unknown.&quot;'' The condition is laid there - it must be notable. The &quot;quote&quot; is not even poignant or witty, forget being notable. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 20:09, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::::With your latest edit summary &quot;Rules don't require consensus&quot; I think I finally understand where (at least one) of your misunderstandings comes from. Let me explain it to you. You were quoting guidelines, not &quot;rules&quot;. Your edit summary makes me think you meant rules of law, as in law or policy, but you were quoting WQ guidelines, guidelines, which must be evaluated on a case by case basis with consensus. The other problem is that you have not given any proof for any of your claims! My claims can be easily verified. You don't need access to a library to verify that Wilkie is famous and notable in some field (and has a wikipedia article), and even though I agree with you that Wilkie is not an expert on India or Indian history, you have to take into account that the quote itself comes from a notable publication, Wilkie is also pundit or writer,  the quote is verifiably sourced, and the quote is witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, memorable, novel, original, informative or poignant. So most of the guidelines are checked. It is not required that 100 percent of the guidelines are checked. 
::::::::::::::Unfortunately your edit summary also seems to show a mentality that is opposed to consensus and collaboration. But wikiquote requires collaboration and consensus building and also requires respecting  different views. I have already attempted collaboration with you and have modified and shortened the quote. But the shortened quote is still relevant to this article, and I have explained to you that the quote is memorable and poignant because it describes Somnath as the Wonder of the Eastern world. Please never again delete quotes from an article that was created or expanded just a short while ago (articles need some time of work until all the copyediting is done) and (as has been told to you many times) always move quotes to the talkpage that you want to remove. I have in the past hours created and expanded quite many articles and will need some time to reorganize, move, or copyedit the new quotes. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 11:18, 19 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::::: I am not opposed to consensus. What I'm opposed to is using it as an excuse to break rules.  have been in many discussions and consensus but they don't break the rules. Based on your claims multiple disruptive editors could team up and do what they want if we gave precedence to their opinions and there will be no point in having any rules.
::::::::::::::: Also poignant - &quot;evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret&quot;. Witty - &quot;showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor.&quot; Your quote is not even near to what you claimed it to be. Regardless  the guidelines dictate it must be notable. I don't understand how anyone allowed you to do what you want when you don't know the basic meaning of words. Please take as much time legitimately required so your articles meet the rules and be careful in future. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 12:31, 19 February 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::You have not given any proof that it is not notable. Are you a specialist in English literature who has read the Wilkie Collins bibliography and can judge it? There is no single guideline to establish notability, it has to judged on a case by case basis. As the guidelines say, it is very difficult and very subjective determination to say that one quote is &quot;quotable&quot;. It is easy to establish in case an editor creates a page for quotes about themselves or their friends, but not in cases such as this one. A quote can be notable because it is &quot;particulary poignant or witty&quot;, and coming &quot;from a pundit or poet&quot;. In this particular case I have argued it meets it because Wilkie is famous and notable in some field (and has a wikipedia article),  Wilkie is also a pundit or writer, the quote is verifiably sourced, and the quote meets at least one of these conditions: it is particulary witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, memorable, novel, original, informative or poignant. So most of the guidelines are checked. It is not required that 100 percent of the guidelines are checked. I stand by my argument that is a particularly memorable and poignant quote because the quote describes Somnath as the wonder of the Eastern world.  --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 13:05, 19 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::It's from the Oxford dictionary, you should have checked the dictionary yourself when you said to me about it. Poignant - &quot;evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret&quot;. Witty - &quot;showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor.&quot; It doesn't fit within the definition. What is poignant or witty here? Calling it wonder doesn't have anything to do with it. I am not an expert, but I can read. When multiple pages and rules say that the quote itself must be notable, you want to make up your own rules? This is not your personal website, nor it allows to do whatever you want. Besides there is no such rule or guideline like ''quote can be notable because it is &quot;particular poignant or witty&quot;''. You haven't proved anything about  notability and are only making up about &quot;poignant or witty&quot;. Neither it was much quoted. If you don't know basic meanings of them, then you shouldn't edit. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 13:19, 19 February 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::: Poignant and witty is listed as one of the criteria, see &quot;Where the author is highly notable, the inclusion of less literate statements by that author may be justified. Where the speaker is of little notability, we seek the witty, the pithy, the wise, the eloquent, and the poignant expressions.&quot; However, oft-quoted is not as itself listed as mandatory or defined, and would be difficult for you to define anyway since you have already admitted that you are not a specialist neither on English literature nor on Wilkie Collins. I stand by my argument that is a particularly memorable and poignant quote because the quote describes Somnath as the wonder of the Eastern world. You can call that pithy or eloquent also, if you don't like the word poignant, but in any case it is memorable. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 17:33, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::When I say &quot;oft-quoted&quot; I'm referring to [[WQ:WQ]] criteria. Poignant and witty is not a criteria. The actual statment is about the notability of the quote, &quot;&quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable. Thus, a particularly poignant or witty quote may be included even if the identity of the author is unknown.&quot;
:::::::::::::::::::Also here's the dictionary definition: Poignant - &quot;evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret&quot;. Witty - &quot;showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor.&quot; What poignant or witty? Have you even read whatvit means before making claims? [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 18:37, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::&quot;When I say &quot;oft-quoted&quot; I'm referring to [[WQ:WQ]] criteria.&quot; Again, this is not policy page or a guideline page. And where do you see oft-quoted in that page?? &quot; Poignant and witty is not a criteria. &quot; It is one of the criteria at the guidelines page. &quot;The actual statment is about the notability of the quote, &quot;&quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable. Thus, a particularly poignant or witty quote may be included even if the identity of the author is unknown.&quot; Here you go, particularly poignant or witty quote may be one of the criteria. &quot;Also here's the dictionary definition: Poignant - &quot;evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret&quot;. Witty - &quot;showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor.&quot; What poignant or witty? &quot; You are repeating yourself. The guidelines also include the criteria &quot;eloquent&quot; as valid. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 18:55, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::&quot;Again, this is not policy page or a guideline page. And where do you see oft-quoted in that page?&quot; The relevance of the quote is said so clearly in [[WQ:WQ]]. Or is oft-quoted not relevant? Also it is actually what Wikiquote is itself. So please stop making it up it isn't a policy or guideline.
::::::::::::::::::::It is actually you who is repeating the same thing about poignant or witty. Making the same baseless claims again and again. I'm only pointing out the definition and how your quote doesn't even fall in their domain. There is nothing about, &quot;eloquent&quot;, &quot;witty&quot; or &quot;poignant&quot; as criteria. Nor it claims you can add simply based on it. The only criteria is again - &quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable.&quot; [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 19:07, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::: &quot;The relevance of the quote is said so clearly in [[WQ:WQ]]. Or is oft-quoted not relevant? No it is not. The word oft quoted is not found on that page, and for a reason, it would be impossible to define, especially since you admit you are not a specialist. &quot; Also it is actually what Wikiquote is itself. So please stop making it up it isn't a policy or guideline.&quot; It is not a policy and it is not even a guideline!!! So please stop referring to it with false claims. &quot;It is actually you who is repeating the same thing about poignant or witty. Making the same baseless claims again and again. I'm only pointing out the definition and how your quote doesn't even fall in their domain. There is nothing about, &quot;eloquent&quot;, &quot;witty&quot; or &quot;poignant&quot; as criteria. Nor it claims you can add simply based on it. The only criteria is again - &quot;It is the quote itself that must be notable.&quot; Yes, and there are many critiria for notable, among them particularly poignant or witty or eloquent quotes. You can find these words listed in the guidelines (oft quoted is not listed because it is impossible to prove), but particulary poignant is one of the criteria: &quot;Is the quote itself particularly witty, pithy, wise, eloquent, or poignant?&quot; &quot;Is the quote itself unusually pithy, witty, wise, eloquent, or poignant?&quot; &quot;Notability of the author is not required for a quote to be included in a page on a theme. It is the quote itself that must be notable. Thus, a particularly poignant or witty quote may be included even if the identity of the author is unknown. &quot; &quot;Where the author is highly notable, the inclusion of less literate statements by that author may be justified. Where the speaker is of little notability, we seek the witty, the pithy, the wise, the eloquent, and the poignant expressions.&quot; You see I just quoted it FOUR times from the guidelines page. --[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 19:14, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::There is no claim there that once it is witty, poignant eloquent etc that you can add what you want. Regardless, it doesn't even fall within the definition. But it does clearly says &quot;The quote itself must be notable.&quot; It does say ''must''. Try reading it. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 20:24, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::You are repeating yourself without reading what I wrote. It is notable because it describes Somnath in vivid detail which means the quote is memorable. Not only that it is  calling Somnath the wonder of the Eastern world which is notable as it is a particularly eloquent quote  which is one of the criteria for notability in the guideline. An influential English novel describing an exotic place (for English people) like Somnath in vivid detail means the quote is memorable. ---[[User:Jedi3|Jedi3]] ([[User talk:Jedi3|talk]]) 20:29, 5 March 2018 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::What is this exotic? Simply call it something and be done? Is it notable? Is it relevant? Most of all, ehat you earlier were repeating about was that it was from Wilkie Collins so it kust be added, but now you have switched positions. It is clear you are running round and round with same disproved theory, only to jump to the next when your claims are proved false. [[User:MonsterHunter32|MonsterHunter32]] ([[User talk:MonsterHunter32|talk]]) 20:42, 5 March 2018 (UTC)


==Second censored quote==
*“The Mlechchha (asura) stone breakers climbed up the shikhar of the Temple and began to rain blows on the stone idols on all three sides by their hammers, the stone pieces falling all around. They loosened every joint of the Temple building, and then began to break the different layers (thara) and the sculptured elephants and horses carved on them by incessant blows of their hammers. Then, amidst loud and vulgar clamour, they began to apply force from both the sides to uproot the massive idol by means of wooden beams and iron crowbars” 
	 
− 	
**(Kanhadade Prabandha, Canto I, vss. 94-96).


{| class=&quot;wikitable&quot;
|-
! scope=&quot;col&quot; style=&quot;width: 265px;&quot; | Article Discussion page
! scope=&quot;col&quot; style=&quot;width: 165px;&quot; | Number of censored quotes
! scope=&quot;col&quot; style=&quot;width: 365px;&quot; | MonsterHunter32 moved censored quotes to talk?
! scope=&quot;col&quot; style=&quot;width: 365px;&quot; | MonsterHunter32 gave full reasoning for deletions on talk?
! scope=&quot;col&quot; style=&quot;width: 365px;&quot; | Current status
|- 
|  * [[Talk:Aurangzeb]]
| Almost 40 quotes.
| The quotes added on 23 March were NOT moved to talk. The previously added quotes were added to talk.
| Reasoning for ONE quote (Will Durant quote) given, but no consensus achieved. Comments from other editors about the Will Durant quote needed. 
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for each of the rest of the DELETED quotes on the talkpage.'''&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt; '''Comments from other editors about the [[Will Durant]] quote needed.'''  Please see discussion at [[Talk:India#Summary_table]].
|-
|  * [[Talk:Somnath temple]]
| 2 quotes. 
| Started deleting quote on 7 January, moved ONE quote to talk on 21 January. Second quote not moved to talk by MH32.
| Reasoning given for ONE quote, but no consensus achieved. Second DELETED quote needs reasoning. Comments from other editors needed.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for the second DELETED quote on the talkpage.''' &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt; '''Comments from other editors about the [[Wilkie Collins]] quote needed.''' Please see discussion at [[Talk:India#Summary_table]].
|-
|  * [[Talk:Swami Vivekananda]]
| 1 quote.
| No. He refused to move it to talk despite being asked many times.
| No reasoning given on talk.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for the DELETED quote on the talkpage.'''
|-
|  * [[Talk:Historical negationism]]
| 1 quote.
| No. He refused to move it to talk despite being asked many times.
| No reasoning given on talk.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for the censored quote on the talkpage.'''
|-
|  * [[Talk:Slavery in India]]
| 3 quotes.
| No. He refused to move the censored quotes to talk despite being asked many times.
| No reasoning given on talk.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for each of the DELETED quotes on the talkpage.'''
|-
|  * [[Talk:Muhammad bin Qasim]]
| About 15 quotes.
| No. He refused to move the censored quotes to talk despite being asked many times.
| No reasoning given on talk.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for each of the DELETED quotes on the talkpage.'''
|-
|  * [[Talk:Malabar rebellion]]
| 1 quote.
| No. He refused to move it to talk despite being asked many times.
| No reasoning given on talk.
| '''MonsterHunter32 needs to give full reasoning for the censored quote on the talkpage.'''
|-
|}

== Somnath temple information ==

My mind is saying that you will tell me that [[Special:Contributions/2409:4081:E0D:FE38:3DA4:F053:A170:DD27|2409:4081:E0D:FE38:3DA4:F053:A170:DD27]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>d8mesuormyu07fbtk1waagnjjn12d1y</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Cobra Kai</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>210978</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150571</id>
      <parentid>3111184</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T03:44:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Cast */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="76459" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Cobra Kai|Cobra Kai]]''''' is an American [[w:comedy-drama|comedy-drama]] [[w:web television|web television]] series based on [[w:The Karate Kid (franchise)|''The Karate Kid'' film series]] created by [[w:Robert Mark Kamen|Robert Mark Kamen]] that premiered on May 2, 2018 on YouTube Red (now [[w:YouTube Premium|YouTube Premium]]).&lt;ref&gt;{{cite web |last1=Petski |first1=Denise |title=‘Karate Kid’ TV Sequel Starring Ralph Macchio &amp; William Zabka Set For YouTube Red |url=https://deadline.com/2017/08/karate-kid-tv-sequel-starring-ralph-macchio-william-zabka-youtube-red-1202142435/ |website=Deadline |accessdate=November 20, 2018}}&lt;/ref&gt; It takes place 34 years after the [[w:The Karate Kid|original film]] and follows the reopening of the Cobra Kai karate dojo by Johnny Lawrence and the rekindling of his old rivalry with Daniel LaRusso, starring [[w:Ralph Macchio|Ralph Macchio]] and [[w:William Zabka|William Zabka]] in their respective roles.
&lt;center&gt;'''The Karate Kid Saga Continues.''' &lt;/center&gt;

==Season 1==
=== ''Ace Degenerate'' [1.1] ===
:'''Miguel''': Hey, I just wanted to say thank you.
:'''Johnny''': Alright, well, you said it.
:'''Miguel''': So last night, was that, like, tae kwon do, or Jiu-Jitsu, or MMA, or something?
:'''Johnny''': It's karate. Old school karate.
:'''Miguel''': Do you think you could teach me?
:'''Johnny''': What? No.
:'''Miguel''': What? Come on, when school starts, those guys are gonna make my life miserable.
:'''Johnny''': It's not my problem.
:'''Miguel''': If I just knew a little bit of what you knew then I would be--
:'''Johnny''': Forget it! I don't do karate anymore! All right? Besides, I need to find a job.
:'''Miguel''': Well, You can open your own karate school.
:'''Johnny''': It's called a dojo.
:'''Miguel''': Well, you could open your own dojo.
:'''Johnny''': Look, I'm not getting into this with you, all right? I'm not even sure I'm allowed to be around kids right now. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny goes to the LaRusso dealership to follow up on insurance for his car]''
:'''Anoush''': Wait, is this the karate guy? The guy from the tournament?
:'''Louie''': Oh, this is the guy whose ass you kicked.
:'''Daniel''': It was a really close match. But, if you want to get technical, I kicked his face. ''[Chuckles]'' I'm just busting your chops.
:''[The others laugh. Johnny is totally not amused]''
:'''Johnny''': It was an illegal kick.
:'''Daniel''': Oh, illegal? Really? Come on, what about that elbow to my knee?
:'''Johnny''': Yeah, I got a warning. You got the win.

=== ''Strike First'' [1.2] ===
:'''Johnny''': Cobra Kai isn't just about karate. It's about a way of life. ''[Points to wall with &quot;Strike First Strike Hard No Mercy&quot; written on it]'' Take that first lesson. Striking first is the initial step towards victory. Okay, like when you're at a party, and you see a hot babe. You don't wait for some other guy to go talk to her first, do you?
:'''Miguel''': I mean, I've never been to a party, so...
:'''Johnny''': Big surprise. Alright, look, striking first is about being aggressive. Alright? If you're not aggressive, then you're being a pussy. And you don't wanna be a pussy! You wanna have balls!
:'''Miguel''': Don't you think you're doing a lot of genderizing?
:'''Johnny''': ...what?
:'''Miguel''': Oh, sorry. Don't you think you're doing a lot of genderizing, ''sensei?''
:'''Johnny''': No, what the hell are you talking about?
:'''Miguel''': Oh, uh, my guidance counselor says that certain words can perpetuate the sexist world view that can trigger-
:'''Johnny''': '''''QUIET!''''' From now on, you won't listen to your guidance counselor, you're gonna listen to me! Is that understood?
:'''Miguel''': Uh, yes, sensei.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Daniel''': Some things never change.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah? What are you talking about?
:'''Daniel''': I heard you beat up a bunch of teenagers in that parking lot out there.
:'''Johnny''': Oh, that. No, I didn't beat up any teenagers. I kicked the shit out of a bunch of assholes who deserved it.
:'''Daniel''': Wow. Johnny Lawrence calling someone else an asshole. That's rich, man. 
:'''Johnny''': Yeah, what's that supposed to mean?
:'''Daniel''': Alright, look. I'm not here to rehash the past. Just stay away from my daughter's friends.
:'''Johnny''': Your daughter's friends? Yeah, that makes sense. Nice company she keeps.
:'''Daniel''': What the hell is that supposed to mean?
:'''Johnny''': It means those friends of hers were wailing on a kid half their size. Maybe you don't know your daughter as well as you think you do. Get your house in order, LaRusso.
:'''Daniel''': ''Who the hell do you think you're talking to?''
:'''Miguel''': Bathroom's clean! ''[walks into the scene]'' Is there anything else you need me to do?
:''[Johnny motions towards Miguel. He pulls out his earphones.]''
:'''Miguel''': I'm sorry, Sensei. I...
:'''Daniel''': Sensei? Really? Oh my god. ''[To Miguel]'' Kid, I don't know what he's told you, but you shouldn't believe a word this guy says, or you're gonna end up just like him. ''[Back to Johnny]'' You and I, this...we're not done.

=== ''Esqueleto'' [1.3] ===
:'''Miguel''': I wish I could show my mom what I did to those boards, but if she knew where I was right now, she'd kill me. What's wrong with you?
:'''Johnny''': ''[After reading &quot;Final Notice&quot; bills]'' Nothing. Put your costume on, I'm driving you to that dance, and we're gonna pick up some more students. ''[Sees Miguel's horribly homemade halloween costume]'' What the hell is that?
:'''Miguel''': It's my halloween costume. My ya-ya made it. It started off as [[w:Deadpool|Deadpool]], then I think it was [[w:Spider-Man|Spider-Man]], and then it just kinda became some generic superhero.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah, a poor one at that. You're Poor-Man.
:'''Miguel''': Yeah.
:'''Johnny''': Well, I can't let you go out like that. We have a reputation to uphold.
:'''Miguel''': What do you suggest?
:''[At the high school dance, Miguel is seen wearing Johnny's skeleton costume from the first movie]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Daniel sees Johnny in the high school hallway hanging Cobra Kai flyers]''
:'''Daniel''': What do you think you're doing?
:'''Johnny''': I'm promoting my business. Why don't you try minding yours?
:'''Daniel''': Minding mine? You know what, look, this is ridiculous, okay? We can both be adults here. I just don't know why you'd ever wanna bring back Cobra Kai after what your sensei did to you.
:'''Johnny''': ''Because I'm not Kreese''...and the lessons worked.
:'''Daniel''': &quot;Strike first, no mercy?&quot; Real good lessons. If you think I'm gonna let you fill these kids heads with that garbage, you're nuts, man.

=== ''Cobra Kai Never Dies'' [1.4] ===
:'''Miguel Diaz''': My mom says I can train again.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': She did?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Yeah. I mean, if we still have a dojo.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': We do for now. All right, but I need to know are you ready to take things to the next level?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Yes, Sensei.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You got your ass kicked because you didn't have any defense. So I'm gonna teach you the best defense that you can know. And the best defense- ''[holds up his fists to Miguel's face]'' -is more offense.

=== ''Counterbalance'' [1.5] ===
:''[Miguel shoves Kyler away from humiliating Sam]''
:'''Kyler''': I'm ready for your lame-ass karate this time!
:'''Miguel''': It's not lame-ass karate. ''[Blocks punch from Kyler]'' It's Cobra Kai. ''[Punches Kyler in the face.]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Daniel visits Mr. Miyagi's grave]''
:'''Daniel''': Hey, Mr. Miyagi. I know it's been a few months, but better late than never, right? I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I, um... You know, it's... it's funny. When I was a kid, you seemed to always have all the answers, and I guess I thought when I got older, I'd have it all figured out too. But now I just... feel like I'm clueless. Makes me wonder, was it different for you, or were you just better at hiding it? Maybe that was it, huh? ''[trims part of bonsai tree]'' I feel like lately I've let my anger take control. You know me, I've always been a bit of a hothead, so... I really wish you could be here right now.
:''[as he starts up his car, he feels Mr. Miyagi is calling him from the grave]''
:'''Mr. Miyagi''': Daniel-san. You remember lesson about balance?
:'''Daniel''': ''[remembers lesson]'' Yeah.
:'''Mr. Miyagi''': Mm. Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life. Whole life. Have balance. Everything be better. Understand?
:'''Daniel''': ''[in present]'' Yeah. I understand.

=== ''Quiver'' [1.6]===
[[File:Shadow Karate Kick.jpg|thumb|Since you joined Cobra Kai, I have been hard on you. I've called you names, I've humiliated you - some of you, I've hit. And for that, I don't apologize. Cobra Kai is about strength. If you can't be strong on the inside, you can't be strong on the outside. ~ Johnny Lawrence]]
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': '''Since you joined Cobra Kai, I have been hard on you. I've called you names, I've humiliated you - some of you, I've hit. And for that, I don't apologize. Cobra Kai is about strength. If you can't be strong on the inside, you can't be strong on the outside.''' And right now - you're all weak. And I know that because I was you. I used to have no friends, I used to be the weird kid. Well, maybe not that weird, I still hooked up with babes 'n all but the point is - I wasn't always the badass Sensei that I am today. Just like a cobra, I had to shed my loser skin to find my true power. And you guys will too.
:''[Eli enters sporting a new mohawk. No one recognizes him]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Welcome to Cobra Kai.
:'''Miguel''': Eli... what happened?
:'''Eli''': I'm flippin' the script.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Wait, are you the kid with the lip? Nice cut, bro! You see that? It doesn't matter if you're a loser, or a nerd, or a freak. All that matters is that You... Become... Badass! &quot;Hawk&quot; - fall in.
:''[Eli/Hawk kicks off his shoes and falls in at the front of the class next to Aisha and Miguel. The other Cobra Kais stare in awe]''
:'''Johnny''': Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
:'''Eli''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?
:'''Aisha Robinson''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?
:'''Miguel''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Class! Are you ready to learn the 'Way of the Fist'?
:'''Miguel, Aisha, Eli''': Yes, Sensei!

===''All Valley'' [1.7] ===
:''[Johnny attends the All-Valley Karate Championship organizing committee meeting to press his case over revoking Cobra Kai's lifetime ban against Daniel's stern objections]'' 
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Look, I admit Cobra Kai had its share of problems in the '80s. My sensei didn't always play by the rules. That's why I left. But my Cobra Kai is different. It's a place where kids can come and feel like they belong. Where they won't get picked on because they're a bunch of losers, or because they're unique. I've watched firsthand as my students have gotten stronger, gained confidence, or had to stand up for themselves. Cobra Kai is making a difference to these kids' lives. And honestly, they're making a difference in mine as well. Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny brings out a liquor bottle to celebrate Cobra Kai's return to the All-Valley Karate Championship - and Miguel's successful date with Samantha LaRusso]''
:'''Miguel Diaz''': ''[toasts]'' To Cobra Kai.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Never accept defeat.

=== ''Molting'' [1.8] ===
:'''Johnny''': You've trained hard. You've gotten stronger, tougher, faster. You've done your best! You're ready for this tournament! Am I right?
:'''Students''': Yes, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': ''WRONG!'' Your best ain't shit! If you wanna win the All-Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament, you gotta give me better than your best! Which is why, from now on, you're gonna be getting my worst! Is that understood?!
:'''Students''': Yes, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Are you losers?!
:'''Students''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Are you nerds?!
:'''Students''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny''': Are you sure?!
:'''Students''': No, Sensei!
:''[Johnny facepalms]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Johnny''': It was the summer of '82. ''Rocky III'' had just come out. My buddy Dutch was a huge Mr. T fan, so we went to a local theater to check it out. Sitting in front of us was this group of cute chicks, eating popcorn, and Dutch started throwing Milk Duds at 'em.
:'''Miguel''': What? Why would he do that?
:'''Johnny''': 'Cause, it's an alpha move, man. Chicks love it when you treat 'em like crap. Anyway, eventually the girls got so pissed off one of 'em stood up and started yelling at us. That's when I saw her for the first time.
:'''Miguel''': Saw who?
:'''Johnny''': Ali.

=== ''Different But The Same'' [1.9]===
:'''Amanda LaRusso''': What is going on?
:'''Anthony LaRusso''': Dad's about to fight this guy!
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Amanda, please, just go inside. This is between me and Sensei Lawrence.
:'''Amanda LaRusso''': Yeah, you two seem to have this pretty well in hand. Just a normal Saturday afternoon, a couple of grown men about to kick each other into a pool. You know, as much as I would love to watch you and your childhood karate rival duke it out, I kinda don't wanna get any blood on the patio, so what do you say we try to resolve this over some breakfast instead?
:''[pause]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Want to go inside?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': I could eat.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Daniel agrees to let Johnny have a free car on the trade-in lot as compensation for Louie and his goons destroying Johnny's Pontiac Firebird Trans-Am]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': ''[looks at a red-orange Dodge Challenger with black racing stripes]'' This one's not half bad.
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': It's a 2009 Challenger, 5.8 liter.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': 5.7.
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': What, you know cars?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': What kind of man doesn't?

=== ''Mercy'' [1.10]===
:'''Miguel''': I found his weakness, Sensei; it's his shoulder.
:'''Johnny''': Look, we wanna win, but it's gotta be the right way. You don't have to fight dirty.
:'''Miguel''': There's nothing dirty about winning, Sensei. You taught me that. Don't worry; I got this. No mercy.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny nurses a drink over Cobra Kai willing the All Valley Karate Championship, but hears a noise]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': ''[steps out to the dojo area]'' Miguel? ''[sees a man's silhouette]''
:'''Man''': Congratulations. You did what I always thought you could do. You won. Cobra Kai is back where it belongs: Back on top. Everyone closed the book on us. They thought we were done. But now they see... ''[man appears in the light as John Kreese, smoking a cigar]'' that the real story's only just begun.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Mercy Part II'' [2.1] ===
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Everyone, fall in!
:''[The students fall into position, with Miguel and Hawk in front]''
:'''Hawk''': Must've been a rager, sensei.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Yeah, were you celebrating all weekend?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Celebrating what? That my students are a bunch of pussies? Diaz, Hawk, up front!
:''[Miguel and Hawk step forward, facing the other students]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Hawk, did you attack your opponent when his back was turned?
:'''Hawk''': Yes, Sensei?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Diaz, did you purposely attack your opponent's injury?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Yes, Sensei.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You think that makes you badass? ''[Hawk and Miguel look at Johnny, visibly confused]'' What's the matter? Too tough a question? Maybe you need some help. Miss Robinson!
:'''Aisha Robinson''': Yes, Sensei.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Two cobras in the jungle. One kills the strongest lion. The other kills a crippled monkey. Which cobra do you want to be?
:'''Aisha Robinson''': The one that kills the lion, sensei.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': And why is that?
:'''Aisha Robinson''': Because it killed the stronger animal.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Correct! Cobra Kai is about being badass. And the baddest badass is the one that beats his opponent when he's at his strongest. ''[facing Hawk]'' Not when his back is turned. ''[Facing Miguel]'' Not when he's injured! Is that understood?
:'''Cobra Kai''': Yes, Sensei!
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': That means no more cheating. No more fighting dirty. From here on out, those are pussy moves. And you don't want to be pussies, do you?
:'''Cobra Kai''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Good. That's why I had you wear your white belts. You're starting over. Diaz, Hawk, fifty push-ups, on your knuckles. Miss Robinson, warm them up.
:'''Aisha Robinson''': Yes, Sensei.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Kreese''': I'm sorry. I realize that I was too hard on you. You were young, and I went overboard. You were my best student. You had so much potential. I just couldn't stand seeing you lose. I know I could be a tough son of a bitch. But if you'd seen some of the things that I've seen... Well, that doesn't change what I did. For years I've regretted that night. But when I heard that you brought back Cobra Kai, I thought that maybe this could be a shot for me to redeem myself. 'Cause believe me, there ain't nothing that I'd like more in this world than to have another chance. I understand if you never want to see me again. But just remember: I am the guy who always rooted for you. Ah, I almost forgot. ''[Takes out Johnny's 2nd place trophy from the 1984 All Valley Karate Championships]'' I fixed it for you. It may say second place. But in my opinion, you were always the better fighter. See you, kid.

=== ''Back in Black'' [2.2]===
:''[Johnny is in his office, on the phone with an interested customer]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Uh-huh. No, we're always looking for new recruits. We have a 4PM class and a 5PM class, but they're filling up fast. No no, we accept boys and girls. Gender ''what?'' Hey, is this a prank call?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny has his students lined up in front of a cement mixer truck]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You think winning the All Valley gives you the right to goof off? Well, I got news for you. Winning one championship don't mean squat! A true champion never stops training. You gotta keep moving forward, or else you can get stuck exactly where you are. It's like the cement in this truck. If that drum doesn't start turning, the cement inside will harden and get stuck. Is that what you want to happen to you?
:'''Cobra Kai''': No, Sensei!
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Good. Then climb up, get inside, and make it spin.
:'''Aisha''': Sensei, we're sorry for messing around.
:'''Hawk''': We learned our lesson.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': ''[lowers the cement mixer's ladder]''Get in!
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Sensei, this seems kind of dangerous. I mean, the fumes alone-
:'''John Kreese''': Quiet! This man led you to the mountaintop and you question him? Look at you. Look at all of you. I can't believe this pathetic pack of pussies competed in the All Valley, and let alone won. It's an absolute miracle. And who's responsible for that miracle? Johnny Lawrence. The best student in the history of Cobra Kai. My student.
:'''Hawk''': You were Sensei's sensei?
:'''John Kreese''': You better believe it, kid. And I tell you I've never trained a tougher student in my whole life. So if you know what's good for you, you better listen to every goddamn word he says.
:''[long pause before Miguel steps forward]''
:'''Miguel Diaz''': I'll do it, Sensei.

=== ''Fire and Ice'' [2.3]===
:''[Daniel LaRusso makes a video ad]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Inner peace. Focus. Balance. These are just some of the skills that you will master when you join Miyagi-do Karate. I'm Daniel LaRusso, and before I was the number one auto dealer in the Valley, I was two-time All Valley Under-18 Champion. Now, you can learn the secrets of Okinawan karate, true karate, by joining the Miyagi-do team. Don't be a snake in the grass. Be a champion. Tweet us at hashtag TeamMiyagiDo. And all lessons are free. That's right, free. Because at Miyagi-do, it's not about the money. It's about the karate.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny Lawrence makes his own video ad for Cobra Kai]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': There's a lot of talk going around the Valley about free karate. But everyone knows that in life, you get what you pay for. You wanna really kick the competition? ''[Johnny kicks a bonsai tree into pieces]'' Then you need to get your ass over to Cobra Kai. Screw that lame meditation bullshit. What you need is bone-crunching, face-smashing, good ol' American karate. ''[Johnny punches and elbows a body opponent bag]'' Enough about self-defense. Learn self-offense. Don't be a pussy. Join Cobra Kai, and let me teach you ''[clenches fist]'' the Way of the Fist.
:'''Aisha''': And cut.
:'''Johnny''': All right, did we get it?
:'''Aisha''': I think so.
:'''Johnny''': All right, great. Just make sure the Cobra Kai snake comes in at the end, all right? I want it to really pop. Make it chrome. And throw &quot;Thunderstruck&quot; under it.
:'''Aisha''': I'm pretty sure the rights for that song will cost too much.
:'''Johnny''': No, I already own it. Cassette's in the car. Oh, and put one of those hash browns at the end. You know, like, &quot;Hash brown. Team Cobra Kai,&quot; or something. And then send it to the Internet!

=== ''The Moment of Truth'' [2.4]===
:'''John Kreese''': The key to this move is making your enemy think you are retreating. But just as they let their guard down, that's when you strike the hardest.

=== ''All In'' [2.5]===
[[File:1SFDUI.png|thumb|The fight is only over when you say it is. ~ John Kreese]]
:''[after breaking up with Moon, Hawk storms into the Cobra Kai dojo and starts attacking a punching bag. Kreese enters the room]''
:'''John Kreese''': You get into a fight?
:'''Hawk''': With Miyagi-do. We lost.
:'''John Kreese''': No, you didn't. '''The fight is only over when you say it is.'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Demetri has posted a one-star review of Cobra Kai on Yelp; Hawk confronts him about it at a comic book store]''
:'''Demetri''': You think I'm afraid of you? I know who you really are, Eli. So, why don't you, Rocksteady, and Bebop just leave me alone, okay?
:''[Demetri turns around to see two other Cobra Kai members approaching him]''
:'''Demetri''': Great. So this is what it comes to: gang assault.
:'''Hawk''': Take it down, or we take you down.
:'''Demetri''': You’d actually hurt me?

=== ''Take a Right'' [2.6]===
:''[Daniel explains to his new students what Cobra Kai is really about]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Cobra Kai sells power, strength, and when I joined I was, well, I was weak. It was 1985, I had just won my first All-Valley, and, Mr. Miyagi didn't want me to compete anymore. He never really like the idea of fighting for trophies in the first place. So, you know, I-we got into this big argument, and what did I do? I joined Cobra Kai. I learned to strike first, strike hard, show no mercy, and it turned me into an angry and violent kid. It changed me.
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': You never told me about any of this.
:'''Daniel''': It's not something I'm proud of, Sam. And my point is anyone can be seduced by Cobra Kai, even me, and I'll admit: Cobra Kai makes you feel stronger, tougher, but it will also get you in trouble. And that's what happened to me. I'm just lucky Mr Miyagi was willing to take me back. So remember, it doesn't matter who anyone was before they stepped into this dojo. All that matters is that right now, today, we are all Miyagi-Do.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Johnny and Tommy have some campfire drinks, but some things needed to be said]''
:'''Tommy''': Today was fun, Johnny.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You still got some moves, man. You should stop by the dojo sometime.
:'''Tommy''': Yeah, right. Just like the good old days. ''[reflects]'' Man, where did all that time go?
:'''Johnny''': I don't know.
:'''Tommy''': Man, there was something I never told you. Didn't think you needed to know, but screw it. ''[deep breath]'' I was in love with Ali.
:'''Johnny''': ''[smiles at him]'' What?
:'''Tommy''': Yeah. Freshman year. We were in the same homeroom. We used to talk all the time. I was building up the courage to ask her out, ''[looks at Johnny]'' when someone else struck first. That's why I joined Cobra Kai. I wanted to have the balls that you had. Without the smell. ''[he and Johnny laugh and drink]''
:'''Johnny''': I don't think I ever really got over her. I mean, I dated plenty of babes after, but I never really let my guard down with any of them, you know? Not like with Ali.
:'''Tommy''': You still got one thing that's more important than anything, Johnny.
:'''Johnny''':  What's that?
:'''Tommy''': Time. You still have time.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah. Time for what?
:'''Tommy''': Meet someone new, change your life. Do what you wanna do.
:'''Johnny''':  I don't know. Right now, all I wanna do is make sure my students don't make the same mistakes that we did. I don't want them to look back at their life full of regret.
:'''Tommy''': You'll do it, Johnny. ''[looks at him]'' You're the champ.

=== ''Lull'' [2.7] ===
:'''Tory''': My Mom worked at this restaurant when I was little, and she would bring home leftovers so my brother and I had enough to eat. When her manager found out, he fired her. No warning, no notice. He said it was against company policy. She wasn't stealing; the food was gonna end up in the trash! The world shows no mercy. So why should we? Some people have it good, but the rest of us, we have to fight for every inch of what's ours. Not just to score a point. For everything.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Kreese''': Ah, hey, Johnny. Here to congratulate me on my victory?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': We need to talk.
:'''John Kreese''': Talk about what?
:'''Johnny Lawerence''': About what you've been putting in my students' heads since I've been gone.
:'''John Kreese''': The same lessons I taught you, the way of the fist: strike first, strike hard, no mercy.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Yeah, that's where we have a problem.
:'''John Kreese''': Oh, do we?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Yeah. Cobra Kai needs to change. What you taught didn't work back then and it doesn't work now. 
:'''John Kreese''': Well, whaddya want to change it to? Something nice and snugly like a blanket?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': No. Cobra Kai will always be badass. But there's a difference between no mercy and no honor. 
:'''John Kreese''': Ah... honor. Lemme tell you something. When you're in a war, the other side never fights with any &quot;honor.&quot; Take it from me. Trust me; I know, I've been there. Be glad that you don't know.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Yeah, I don't know what shit you went through back then, but these are good kids, and they don't need to relive our mistakes.
:'''John Kreese''': The only &quot;mistake&quot; is teaching them weakness. Like what you did when you backed down from LaRusso's challenge. Is that what the new Cobra Kai is all about?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You trying to get me riled up? It's not gonna work. I am responsible for these students.
:'''John Kreese''': And I am responsible for ''you''. I'm worried about you, Johnny. I see what's gonna happen; you're gonna let your guard down, and that's  gonna leave you vulnerable.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Maybe that's what you think, but this is my dojo, and I make the rules. 
:'''John Kreese''': ''Your'' dojo? You forget who started Cobra Kai?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': I haven't forgotten anything. You know what? I'm sorry, I thought this could work, but I was wrong.
:'''John Kreese''': Look-
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': We're done. I don't ever wanna see you in this dojo again.

=== ''Glory of Love'' [2.8]===
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Okay. The app is downloaded. What type of women are you looking to meet? Super hot babes. Dumb question. Okay. What are your likes?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': My likes?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Mm hmm.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': What am I supposed to say? Long walks on the beach? I like muscle cars, martial arts, and &quot;Iron Eagle&quot;. And &quot;Iron Eagle II&quot;. Why aren't you texting this down? Computer dating is your idea.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Look, you have to take this seriously.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': It used to be simple. Find a chick in a bar. Bump into her hard, but not too hard. Pretty hard. Then you buy her a beer.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Yeah, no.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Tried and true, Diaz. That's how the cavemen did it. Cavemen. That's another like. You know, like the ones in those insurance commercials.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': ''[sighs]'' Look, I think I can fill out the rest of this on my own. What about clothes? What are you wearing?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You gonna teach me about fashion now?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Might have to.

&lt;!-- === ''Pulpo'' [2.9]=== --&gt;
=== ''No Mercy'' [2.10] ===
:''[Amanda forces Daniel to end Miyagi-do after the West Valley High School karate war]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': ''[Looking at a picture of Mr. Miyagi]'' I tried my best. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm so sorry.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''John Kreese''': Class! We have a visitor.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': The hell do you think you're doing?
:'''John Kreese''': What does it look like? I'm teaching my students.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': ''Your'' students?
:'''John Kreese''': You let them down when they needed you the most. Somebody needed to remind them what it takes to win.
:''[Johnny starts toward Kreese, but the Cobra Kai students block the way.]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': After everything I did for you?
:'''Hawk''': Miguel is in the hospital because of you. He showed mercy to Robby Keene because of you. If he dies, that's on you.
:'''John Kreese''': I did warn you about this. I told you not to show weakness.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Get out.
:'''John Kreese''': This is my dojo. Oh, I forgot to tell you. When you were outta town, I had a little talk with the landlord. Turns out he doesn't like you much. But you know the problem with those handshake deals: there are no guarantees.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': You can't do this.
:'''John Kreese''': Of course I can. I founded Cobra Kai. It belongs to me. It always has. And it always will. I will never let my students lose... even if they have to learn the hard way. One day you'll thank me for this, Johnny.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': This was a mistake. You want Cobra Kai? It's yours.
:''[Johnny leaves the room; Kreese watches him go.]''
:'''John Kreese''': Class! Forward strike.

==Season 3==
=== ''Aftermath [3.1]''===
:''[Daniel goes to Cobra Kai after hours looking for Johnny]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Johnny? ''[In the main room, he sees a life-sized cardboard cutout of Kreese]'' What the hell?
:''[Kreese comes out of the backroom]''
:'''John Kreese''': We're closed. ''[sees it's Daniel who has come to see him]'' The dojo's gone through some renovations. What do you think?
:'''Daniel''': Where's Johnny?
:'''John''': He's not here right now. But he'll be back. You know, it's a shame what happened at the school. Such a tragedy. But I don't really blame Robby. 'Cause you know what they say: &quot;there's no such thing as a bad student.&quot; ''[Daniel begins to squirm]'' It must really hurt to see the Miyagi name dragged through the mud. Wish I could see the look on the little bastard's face. ''[Daniel clenches his hands into fists]''
:'''Daniel''': That &quot;little bastard&quot; [[The Karate Kid Part II|kicked your ass]]...[[The Karate Kid Part III|more than once]]. You're lucky he taught me true karate. That's why I'm not gonna fight you.
:'''John''': Oh but you will. It's inevitable. But this time, Johnny and I will finish it, once and for all.
:'''Daniel''': You're not gonna do anything. Not while I'm around. ''[Daniel walks out of the dojo]''
:'''John''': You know where to find me. ''[laughs as the door closes behind Daniel]''
=== ''Now You're Gonna Pay [3.3]'' ===
:''[Johnny sits at the altar with Bobby eating coffee cakes after he had drunkenly disrupted Bobby's sermon.]''
:'''Johnny''': I still don't understand how they get the coffee in the cake.
:'''Bobby''': Johnny...what the heck was that all about? I know you're upset, but you can't blame yourself for what Robby did.
:'''Johnny''': I'm not even allowed to see him. I'm not allowed to since I'm on probation for that little incident in the parking garage.
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, well, you're lucky it was only probation.
:'''Johnny''': I'm lucky I knew a priest who put in a good word with the judge, thank you very much.
:'''Bobby''': Not a priest. How about we make a deal? You promise yourself to do positive things, be a better person.
:'''Johnny''': I already tried that. I put everything I had into my students, I taught them to be tough and show mercy. I thought I was doing the right thing.
:'''Bobby''': You were.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah? Then why did all this happen? I mean, you wanna punish me, fine. But Robby and Miguel, they're just kids.
:'''Bobby''': I know. ''I know.'' It isn't fair. But you gotta remember you don't do the right thing because it always works out. You do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Both those kids need you, and you need to be there for them, whether it works out or not. I can help you with Robby. The detention center will let you in if you're accompanied by a member of the clergy, so, how about we meet there tomorrow?
:'''Johnny''': Alright, great.
:'''Bobby''': Good. And as for Miguel and his surgery, the church could make a nominal donation, but, we're still trying to pay for our new roof.
:'''Johnny''': Wasn't gonna ask.
:'''Bobby''': Hey, why not ask your stepdad to help out? He's still loaded, isn't he?
:'''Johnny''': No way. Sid? That'd be his dream come true, me groveling for his money. I'll figure something out.
:'''Bobby''': I know you will.
=== ''The Right Path'' [3.4] ===
:''[Kumiko and Daniel catch up after seeing each other again at Tomi Village Green]''
:'''Kumiko''': After graduation, I joined the Hijikata Tatsumi Dance Company and we traveled all around the world, Sydney, Paris, Singapore..   
:'''Daniel''': So you got your dream. That's terrific. You got a favorite place?
:'''Kumiko''': ''Hai'', London.
:'''Daniel''': Ah, let me guess, the tea.
:'''Kumiko''': ''[laughs at the English tea reference]'' No, I got to see the Cranberries open up for Radiohead; 1995, they played Zombie, Linger and Dreams.
:'''Daniel''': ''[short pause]'' So when did you start teaching?
:'''Kumiko''': After I moved back to Okinawa, Aunt Yukie got sick, and this has always been my home. 
:'''Daniel''': I'm sorry to hear she passed. I know she was proud of you.
:'''Kumiko''': ''Arigato''... although I know she wanted me to get married, I stayed - what was your word for it, a free agent? 
:'''Daniel''': Come on, I'm supposed to believe that a guy never got a ring on that finger?
:'''Kumiko''': Many tried, but... none of them fought to the death for me. 
:'''Daniel''': It's a hard act to follow!
:'''Kumiko''': ''Salut''. 
:'''Daniel''': I'm sorry this is absolutely surreal. I feel like I haven't seen you in like five minutes, but its been over 30 years... ''[Kumiko nods in assent]'' 30 years!
:'''Kumiko''': Maybe if we had Facebook and Instagram back then, we would have never lost touch. ''[pauses]'' Why did you come back to Okinawa, Daniel-san?
:'''Daniel''': I told you my business is, not bad..
:'''Kumiko''': No. Why did you ''really'' come back? 
:'''Daniel''': I got my dream too, you know. I have an incredible family. I have my own business, I should be counting my blessings, but so many things have been going sideways for me lately, everybody looks to me for answers, and I'm spinning around so much I can't tell which way is up. 
:'''Kumiko''': I used to have this nightmare that I had to go on stage and did not know the choreography. I felt out of control.
:'''Daniel''': Exactly. I used to go to Mr Miyagi for help, but you know, I'm the same age now as Mr Miyagi was when he met me. He had it all figured out, I wish he could be here to help guide me.
:'''Kumiko''': ''[face lights up]'' I think I can make it happen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[At Yukie's old house, Daniel and Kumiko browse through Mr Miyagi's old letters to Yukie but Daniel looks at one particular envelope]''
:'''Kumiko''': What is it?
:'''Daniel''': This was... this was written the week Mr Miyagi died.
:'''Kumiko''': Do you like me to read it? 
:'''Daniel''': ''[looks at her]'' Please.
:'''Kumiko''': ''[translates Japanese text]'' &quot;One ''umoyagawa'', my sweetheart Yukie. I'm sorry it has been a long time since my last letter. I'm so happy to hear that ''Kanhizakura'' is in good health.&quot;
:'''Daniel''': Who is that?
:'''Kumiko''': ''Kanhizakura'' is Okinawan cherry blossom. ''[reads letter]'' &quot;I am sorry to tell you that I am back in hospital. Please do not worry. There is nothing to do except watch TV and think. Think about family. Think about us. Think about where I have been and where I am going. In life, I have always looked for signs to show me the right way, but I got lost. Until I met Daniel-san. ''[Daniel reacts at mention]'' His kind heart, strong ''chi'', and loyalty and love for those around him is a guiding light to me. I am very proud for the man he has become even though he still has a hard head. ''[Kumiko sighs but her face changes as the gravity of the words hit her too]'' I never thought I would have a family again. Daniel-san has welcomed me into his family, and he has passed on what I teach him in Miyagi-Do to his daughter. Samantha... makes me feel like I'm her ''tanme''.&quot;
:'''Daniel''': What's ''tanme''?
:'''Kumiko''': Grandfather. ''[continues reading]'' &quot;In life, we always lose our way, but it is people, not the signs, that guide us back to the right path. Do you like that, Yukie? I heard that in a car commercial. ''[Daniel and Kumiko laugh at the joke] Kanashii'', love, Nariyoshi Miyagi.&quot;
:'''Daniel''': ''[looks up after Kumiko puts the letter back in the envelope]'' Thank you Mr Miyagi. ''[to Kumiko]'' Thank you.
:'''Kumiko''': ''[presents him the letter] Arigato.''

=== ''Miyagi-do'' [3.5] ===
:''[Daniel meets Kumiko and is curious about her female companion]''
:'''Daniel''': Friend of yours?
:'''Kumiko''': Friend of ours.
:'''Daniel''': Oh I'm sorry I -
:'''Woman''': Don't worry it's been a long time since we met. I was a child then and it was during a typhoon.   
:'''Daniel''': ''[remembers the girl he rescued]'' Yuna?!?!
:'''Yuna''': You remember? 
:'''Daniel''': Are you kidding me?! How could I forget? ''[embraces her]'' Oh my God, how have you been? Your English is so perfect.
:'''Yuna''': Good, thank you. I work in international sales. Perfect English comes in handy. ''[nods to Kumiko]''
:'''Daniel''': Sales, wow that's great, same here. Well maybe not for much longer, but who do you work for?
:'''Yuna''': Doyona.
:'''Daniel''': What, you work for Doyona?
:'''Yuna''': Senior vice-president of sales for Doyona International.
:'''Kumiko''': ''[when Daniel looks at her, thinking she delivered for him again]'' Like auntie Yukie said, ''nan kurenai-sa''- put good out into the world and good will come back to you.    
:'''Daniel''': Mr Miyagi was right for loving her. ''[Kumiko smiles at him. to Yuna]'' So Yuna, can I buy you a drink?
:'''Yuna''': I should hope so, Daniel-san. I'm about to save your business.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Amanda goes to Cobra Kai looking for Kreese]''
:'''Amanda LaRusso''': Hello? Is anyone here? ''[Kreese comes out of the backroom, an exercise towel around his neck]''
:'''John Kreese''': We're closed, darling. But if you've got a youngster you'd like to put on the list for karate lessons, I'd be happy to help you.
:'''Amanda''': Is one of those lessons &quot;how to jump a bunch of kids and break one of their arms&quot;? Because that's what your students did tonight.
:'''John''': ...Did they? ''[beat]'' Must've had it coming.
:'''Amanda''': Like my daughter deserved it when one of your minions attacked her at the high school? ''[It dawns on Kreese who he's talking to]''
:'''John''': ''[laughs]'' Ahh....that must make you Mrs. LaRusso! ''[chuckles]'' What's the matter? Little Daniel's not manly enough to fight his own battles anymore?
:'''Amanda''': Hey Rambo, kids are getting hurt! Just cull your band of karate thugs or I'm going to the police! Got it?
:'''John''': You're a feisty one. But I like that. I like it-''[Amanda slaps Kreese hard across the face]''
:'''Amanda''': I don't give a shit what you like, you sociopath. And I'm shutting you down if it's the last thing I do...''[leaves]''

=== ''The Good, The Bad and the Badass'' [3.8] ===
:''[The three senseis are giving speeches to their students]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': I know it's been a while since our last class. After the fight at the school, I wasn't sure Miyagi-Do should stay open, but things have gotten worse since we shut down. That's why we're back. The only way to stop Cobra Kai is if we all work together. But always remember, the reason we learn karate is—
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': To show the world that you're not a bunch of pansy-ass nerds! We're gonna show 'em that you're tough, because eagles don't get shit on! They're the ones that ''do'' the shitting. Just don't forget, being a badass doesn't mean being an asshole. The goal isn't to hurt other kids. The goal is to—
:'''John Kreese''': Win at all costs. Those we thought to be our allies have turned against us. Now our enemies are attacking us from all sides. There is no turning back. Now is the time to show them—
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Forgiveness. Compassion. Mr. Miyagi used to say, &quot;If you're looking for revenge, you could start by digging two graves.&quot; He was right. If you have hate in your heart, then you've already lost. I know it's not easy, but you have to do whatever you can—
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': To beat the living crap out of 'em! Don't let 'em push you around. You gotta swoop down like an eagle, grab 'em with your claws, and sink your fangs into 'em...but I don't ever want you to start the fight. I just want you to—
:'''John Kreese''': Finish it... ''for good''. Do I make myself clear?
:'''Eli &quot;Hawk&quot; Moscowitz, Tory Nichols, Miguel Diaz, Samantha LaRusso, Demetri''': '''''YES, SENSEI!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel barges into the town hall meeting, and makes his way down to the podium for petitioners to speak at]''
:'''Miguel Diaz''': My name is Miguel Diaz. I was in the school fight. I was the one who got kicked off the second floor. I know...I thought I was going to be paralyzed. I relearned how to stand. I relearned how to walk. And I want the tournament to continue.
:'''Councilperson Roberts''': We are very happy for your recovery, young man. But I'm afraid you don't understand-
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': ''[stands up]'' Yes, he does. We're the ones getting hurt. We're the ones fighting! ''[Sam joins Miguel at the podium]'' Our voices should matter the most. And we want a place where we can compete, fairly and safely.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': When I first moved here, I was bullied. I realized that there’s no escaping it. There's always going to be some kid will want to steal your lunch money, or give you a wedgie, or give you a swirlie.
:'''Councilperson Roberts''': A swirlie?
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': It's when you, uh, dunk someone's head in a toilet and flush it. Pretty funny, actually.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': ''[to Johnny]'' Sensei! ''[to Councilperson Roberts]'' Instead of burying your heads in the sand and pretending that bullying doesn’t exist, or that you could get rid of it, what you need to do is to teach kids how to defend themselves.
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': Physically and... mentally. Because... sometimes the scars you can't see are the ones that hurt the most.
:'''Miguel Diaz''': Karate is about discipline. It’s about inner strength. it’s about confidence! Lessons that you could use the rest of your life! Look, I don’t know where I would be today, or ''who'' I would be today, if it wasn’t for my sensei. Look, we don’t need this tournament to do cool kicks or to sell tickets. We need it to show the bullies of the world that we’re not afraid. It’s called the ''All''-Valley because it’s for everyone, to give everyone the chance to show what they can do, to fight, to become a champion. And we deserve that chance.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel and Sam toast to saving the tournament at Miyagi-Do, and almost have an intimate moment, when...]''
:'''Robby Keene''': ...Should've known. ''[Sam gasps and breaks her embrace of Miguel]''
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': Robby! It's--it's not what you think!
:'''Robby''': What, did you two get together the second I was gone or wait a week to make it look good?
:'''Samantha''' It's not like that.
:'''Robby''': ''[looks at Miguel accusingly]'' So now I know why you stopped writing.
:'''Samantha''': I stopped writing because you never answered!
:'''Robby''': Yeah? Well, it’s kinda hard to write back in between getting my face busted in!
:'''Samantha''': ''[weakly]'' I didn’t know...
:'''Robby''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, you wouldn’t have cared even if you ''did'' know!
:'''Miguel Diaz''': It’s not her fault-
:'''Robby''' ''[points an accusing finger at Miguel]'' Stay out of this!
:'''Miguel''' ''[gets in Robby's face]'' I don’t think I will.
:'''Robby''' I was hoping you’d say that.
:''[Robby clenches his right hand into a fist and swings at Miguel. Sam steps in front of Miguel, catches Robby's arm, puts both of her hands on his shoulders, and shoves him backwards]''
:'''Samantha''': ROBBY, '''''DON'T!!!''''' ''[Robby glares at her and Miguel]''
:'''Robby''': ''[disgusted]'' You two deserve each other...''[walks away]''

=== ''Feel the Night'' [3.9] ===
:''[Daniel has caught Sam making out with Miguel, when they should have been sparring]''
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': Look, I'm sorry, Dad. I should've told you that I invited Miguel over.
:'''Daniel''': All right, new rule. If you're gonna bring boys over to the dojo, leave the door ''open''.
:'''Samantha''': ''[rolls her eyes]'' Come on, Dad, it's not 1984...
:'''Daniel''': ''[sighs]'' Look...you've grown up. You're a young woman now, okay? I get it. I just feel like in this past year, there's been Kyler, and Miguel, and Robby. Now back to Miguel? Seems like you're adding more drama to your life than you need. And just imagine if Robby knew Miguel was back in the picture! ''[Sam grimaces and she shifts nervously on her feet]'' Oh no. Sam, ''really''?!
:'''Samantha''': He came by last night, when I was here with Miguel.
:'''Daniel''': And he saw you two...?
:'''Samantha''': ''[makes disgusted face]'' NO! God, Dad!
:'''Daniel''': What, I saw it!
:'''Samantha''': I know, it's been a lot. But can you please try to remember that I'm still your daughter? And that you can trust me?
:'''Daniel''': It's not ''you'' I don't trust, Sam.
:'''Samantha''': Miguel's changed. He's a good person. He's not Cobra Kai's #1 bully; he's not even ''in'' Cobra Kai anymore!
:'''Daniel''': ''[sighs]'' Maybe you're right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel and Miguel sit in the 1948 Ford Supe Deluxe that Mr. Miyagi gave to him as a birthday present, talking about Daniel's history, but when one part about Johnny is brought up...]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': He said I sucker-punched him? Did he not mention the fact that he knocked me down first?
:'''Miguel Diaz''': You were moving in on his girl.
:'''Daniel''': They hadn't talked in weeks. I had no idea Johnny even existed when I got to that beach. All that I knew is that he broke her radio. She was upset. I was being chivalrous. 
:'''Miguel''': But what about Halloween? The water hose?
:'''Daniel''': Wha-the water hose? These guys were beating the crap out of me me every other...''[catches himself]'' The water hose was the least of it, believe me. And it was just--it was sitting there. It was...so teed up. Trust me, if you were in my shoes, you would've done the exact same thing. Johnny clearly overreacted to that.
:'''Miguel''': I think Sensei was just upset because Ali was his first love.
:'''Daniel''': Well...she was mine too. There was just something about her. I thought she was &quot;the one&quot;. I guess Johnny felt the same way. That's what started it all. ''[checks his watch]'' Oh wow, I didn't realize what time it was. I got-I gotta get going. ''[they both step out of the car]'' Well, it was good talking with you, Miguel. From one All-Valley champ to another. ''[extends a hand to Miguel]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[shakes Daniel's hand]'' Thanks, Mr. LaRusso. ''[Daniel looks past Miguel and turns to the dojo]''

=== ''December 19th'' [3.10] ===
:''[Johnny and Ali reflect on their group date with Amanda and Daniel, and his own feelings for Carmen]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Well like I told you, I always screw things up.
:'''Ali Mills Schwarber''': Thanks for making me feel like a kid again.
:'''Johnny''': We have our own little time-machine.
:'''Ali''': Sometimes it's good to visit the past to know where you are now... but you can't live in the past.
:'''Johnny''': Yeah we have to live for today...
:'''Ali''': And the future, whatever that might bring.
:'''Johnny''': Well, I know you're gonna be happy.
:'''Ali''': I know you will be happy too. I have faith in you.
:''[they look at each other, then embrace]''
:'''Johnny''': I needed this. 
:'''Ali''': I did too. ''[pulls out of embrace and laughs at Johnny's Dodge Caravan pulled up by the valet]'' Oh my god, you were not kidding.
:'''Johnny''': Can I give you a lift?
:'''Ali''': Ah, I gotta go find my parents. I will always be there for you, you know that. 
:'''Johnny''': Yeah, me too. 
:'''Ali''': Yeah, so get out of here. You have a future to find.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kyler''': It's payback time, Rhea. Let's go! 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sam has just defeated Tory after a drawn out weapon duel. Miguel shows up, accompanied by Hawk and Demetri]''
:'''Hawk''': Tory, the fight's over.
:'''Tory Nichols''': It's not over. This will never be over, LaRusso, you hear me?!
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': You know where to find me.
:'''Tory''': ''[takes a long look at Miguel and Hawk]'' Traitors. ''[to Hawk]'' You better watch your back.
:'''Demetri''': He won't have to. He's got friends watching it for him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel and Johnny have managed to subdue Kreese]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': You keep your Cobra Kais away from our kids!
:'''John Kreese''': It's a free country.
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': Not for you. Cobra Kai's gotta go. For good.
:'''John''': Why don't we settle this the old fashioned way. Tournament. If we lose, I go. If you lose-
:'''Johnny''' We won't lose.

== Season 4 ==
&lt;!-- episode durations for this season range from 28minutes Match Point to 46 mins for The Rise. one quote every 12 mins still applies --&gt;
=== ''Let's Begin'' [4.1] ===
:''[at a lull in Terry Silver's party]''
:'''John Kreese''': Nice view from up here. I guess you get what you pay for.
:'''Terry Silver''': Is that what you want, John? A check?
:'''Kreese''': I wanna finish what we started. 
:'''Silver''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Finish what we started&quot;. Just like we were supposed to do [[The Karate Kid Part III|35 years ago]]? Before you vanished?
:'''Kreese''': I was in a bad place. There's no question about that. But I'm back now, and you can be too.
:'''Silver''': Look around. I'm doing just fine.
:'''Kreese''': Are you? Because the Terry Silver that I knew would have roundhoused old Four-Eyes back there for calling Cobra Kai &quot;adorable.&quot; Do you remember when we got back from 'Nam? We went through hell watching our friends die, only to be welcomed home by a bunch of hippies calling us killers. People needed to learn some respect, some discipline. That's why we started Cobra Kai. Together, we made a difference. 
:'''Silver''': Yeah. We did.
:'''Kreese''': We can do it again. There's a whole new generation out there that can use what we know. The only thing standing in our way is Daniel LaRusso.
:'''Silver''': Danny boy?
:'''Kreese''': He's even teamed up with... Johnny Lawrence.
:'''Silver''': Wait, wait. Your champ and LaRusso working together?
:'''Kreese''': That's why I'm here. I need a partner. And the only other person who knows how to teach Cobra Kai is you. What do you say?
:'''Silver''': I say... no. Back in the '80s, I thought I could conquer the world. ''[reflects on how he trained and manipulated Daniel]'' And I came pretty damn close. I was so hopped up on cocaine and revenge I spent months terrorizing a teenager over a high school karate tournament. It sounds insane just talking about it. After that tournament, I hit rock bottom. But I built myself back up. ''[raises hands like getting things clear]'' Got my ass into therapy, found clarity. Turns out you disappearing was the best thing that ever happened to me. 
:'''Kreese''': You know, people expect men of our age to pack it in and go off into the sunset. ''[chuckles]'' That might work for you... but I still have some fight left in me. Please thank Cheyenne for the tofu.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robby Keene is holding court at the dojo]''
:'''Robby Keene''': Over at Miyagi-Do, our enemies are uniting against us. They think by working together, they have the advantage. They think they're better than us. And I should know because I used to be one of them. That officially ends today. I'll admit, at first, I didn't want to join Cobra Kai. But eventually, we all need to look ourselves in the mirror and realize who we really are. Now, we may have taken some losses, but it's not about how you start. It's about how you finish. And to beat the enemy, it helps to know the enemy's playbook. So I'm gonna teach you Miyagi-Do karate, so we can ''beat'' Miyagi-Do Karate. ''[Cobra Kai members are surprised; Kreese enters]'' They're warmed up for you, ''sensei''. Ah-sah!

=== ''First Learn Stand'' [4.2] ===
:''[At the Japanese restaurant where Tory is a waitress, Amanda warns her against going anywhere near Sam, but everybody and the manager sees them argue]''
:'''Manager''': Is everything okay here, ma'am?
:'''Amanda LaRusso''': I don't know. Is it?
:'''Customer''': Miss? I don't want my soup to get cold.
:'''Tory''': ''[to customer following up on the order; bangs table]'' Will you shut the hell up??!!?
:'''Manager''': Tory! That's it. Put away your uniform. I've had enough of your attitude. You're fired.
:'''Tory''': ''[Throws manager her apron]'' Yeah, thanks a lot. ''[addresses customers]'' This place got a B on the health inspection. They hide the sign so you can't see it. And I saw one of the cooks dip his balls in the miso. ''[storms out as some customers are disgusted]''
:'''Customer''': ''[to manager]'' Uh, you know what? You can cancel my soup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Five Tujunga Terrors players chance upon Daniel and Johnny after the game]''
:'''Hamm''': Hey, shithead!
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Hey, good game, guys. No hard feelings, right?
:'''Hamm''': Because of you, I spent half the game in the box.
:'''Daniel''': Yeah, but you still eked out a win. It was great.
:'''Hamm''': So you can kick my ass any day of the week. Is that right?
:'''Daniel''': No, I didn't say that. He... ''[gestures to Johnny, who's nowhere to be found]''
:'''Hamm''': Looks like your lover boy bailed on you.
:'''Calloway''': Wait, wait, wait. You know who this is? It's LaRusso Auto. The chopping prices guy from TV? He's got that smoking hot brunette running the place. ''[goalie wolf whistles]''
:'''Daniel''': ''[offended at whistle]'' Easy guys. That's my wife.
:'''Hamm''': Oh. Maybe I'll take her for a test drive. ''[nudges Calloway]''
:'''Calloway''': I'll ride shotgun.
:'''Vaughn''': I got the backseat to myself. ''[everybody laughs until Daniel has had enough. He attacks and defeats all five Terrors players]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence ''': ''[surveying the damage with pretzel in hand]'' Kick ass! Nice work, LaRusso. Way to assert your dominance.
:'''Daniel''': Where the hell were you?
:'''Johnny''': No be there. ''[bites pretzel]''

=== ''Then Learn Fly'' [4.3] ===
:''[The Eagle Fang students are scared of Johnny ordering them to jump the gap between two buildings with a long way drop to some mattresses below]''
:'''Johnny Lawrence''': I know what I'm doing.
:'''Samantha LaRusso''': Do you? Based on your track record, you don't have the best judgment.
:'''Johnny''': Oh, you wanna talk judgment? How about smashing into my Firebird and driving off with your girlfriends?
:'''Samantha''':I wasn't even driving.
:'''Johnny''': Showing up at my place drunk, causing your dad to kick down my door? Guessing that wasn't your fault either.
:'''Samantha''': I'm a teenager who's made mistakes. You're a 50-something-year-old man who lives alone, drinks all day, and clearly hasn't figured out his own life.
:'''Johnny''': I figured out one thing for sure. If I did everything my parents wanted me to do, I'd be wearing a suit and tie in some worthless job while I wait out the clock. I didn't want that. And now I get to do what I love every damn day. I get to try to help kids like you find their own way. If you wanna sit in the back seat your whole life, go right ahead. It's no sweat off my back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Terry reflects before the mirror and suddenly looks at a spot under his arm where a tattoo used to be - and it brings him back to a moment in the 70s with Kreese at a tattoo parlor, where Kreese says he volunteered Cobra Kai for the then-relatively new All-Valley Under-18 Karate Tournament]''
:'''Silver''': What? We don't have any students yet.
:'''Kreese''': We will. And this would be the perfect venue to show the whole world that our way is the right way. ''[sees Silver's glum face]'' What?
:'''Silver''': It's my father. He wants me to take over his company. ''[Kreese scoffs]'' He said if I don't, he's cutting me out of the inheritance.
:'''Kreese''': But what about the dojo? We... We were just about to open it.
:'''Silver''': You will. No, I can still pay my half of the rent. Even more. I just won't be able to be there.
:'''Kreese''': Yeah, but I can't do this without you. Terry, I can't do this without you. We started this together. We gotta see it through together.
:'''Silver''': Maybe someday. My father wants me to put all this karate and Vietnam behind me. But I don't know if I can ever go back to a normal life.
:'''Kreese''': Hey, remember, fear does not exist. You can get through anything. You know why? 'Cause you got me. I didn't leave you behind in the war and I'm not gonna leave you behind now. ''[offers hand]'' Cobra Kai?
:'''Silver''': Never dies. ''[the last two words ring hard in Silver's memory]''

=== ''Bicephaly'' [4.4] ===
:''[Kenny Payne has just revealed how two Eagle Fang members harassed him over his Cobra Kai shirt]''
:'''Kyler''': We still owe that Judas some payback.
:'''Kreese''': Everyone fall in. As you know, our enemies are working together. They are combining their styles to beat us. But they are destined to fail. Because there is only one way. And what is that way?
:'''Cobra Kai Students''': The Way of the Fist, sir!
:'''Kreese''': Exactly. However, that doesn't mean that we can't double down.  Class, meet Sensei Terry Silver. ''[a man appears]'' Co-founder of Cobra Kai and one of the most ferocious fighters in the history of the sport. Together, we built Cobra Kai from the ground up, and now he is here to help you prepare for the All Valley. ''[they bow to each other]''
:'''Silver''': Thank you, Sensei Kreese. It's an honor to be here.
:'''Kreese''': With two senseis, you will receive twice the instruction. That means twice the work. And if you are not prepared to put in 200%, then you can leave right now.
:'''Silver''': But if you dig in and follow our lead, we're gonna take you to the next level.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miguel has his first drive with Daniel]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[notices Daniel singing to Christopher Cross' Sailing]'' This is pretty smooth. Who is this?
:'''Daniel''': Oh, that's Christopher Cross. He was huge in the '80s.
:'''Miguel''': Sensei didn't tell me about him.
:'''Daniel''': Yeah, well, not everything from the '80s was hard rock. There were some soft rock songs that were just perfect. Michael McDonald, Billy Joel, Chicago... 
:'''Miguel''': Who's Chicago?
:'''Daniel''': I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. It's a yellow light. ''[Miguel drives ahead]'' When you see a yellow light you're supposed to slow down.
:'''Miguel''': Uh, sorry. Usually with Sensei Lawrence we kind of...
:'''Daniel''': It doesn't matter what he does. If you're driving with my daughter, you take the extra precautions.
:'''Miguel''': Uh, yes. You're right. I'm sorry.
:'''Daniel''': I was pretty shaky at first too. Most of the kids my age all had their dads teach them. But for me, well, lucky I met Mr. Miyagi. He made me realize that just because I didn't have a dad didn't mean there wasn't someone who could fill that role.
:'''Miguel''': The sad part is I have a dad.
:'''Daniel''': You ever see him?
:'''Miguel''': I don't know much about him. He got caught up with something illegal. My mom was pregnant and tried to get him to stop and he wouldn't. That's why Mom and Yaya moved up here. I looked him up. It says he lives in Mexico now. I haven't told my mom though. She gets mad whenever I bring him up.
:'''Daniel''': Miguel, I hated my mom for moving us to LA. I thought she was only thinking for herself. But, as I got older, I realized she was doing it all for me. She wasn't just looking for a new career. She was looking for a better life. Sounds like that's what your mom did. It may not seem brave, but sometimes avoiding conflict is one of the most heroic things a person can do.
=== ''Match Point'' [4.5] ===
:'''Terry Silver''': Three things make a champion. The three D's.
:'''Cobra Kai Students''': Desire. Devotion.
:'''Terry''': and Discipline.
:'''Cobra Kai Students''': Discipline!
:'''Terry Silver''': The first two, I can't give you.  
:'''Cobra Kai Students''': Desire! Devotion! Discipline! 
:'''Terry Silver''': The last one, I can, but you have to be willing to receive it. Are you? 
:'''Cobra Kai Students''': Yes, sensei!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel and Johnny review the footage of their special match but arguments over who won are forgotten when Hawk appears in a hoodie]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[sees somebody in hoodie]'' Hawk?
:'''Demetri''': Shit, Eli what happened?! ''[Hawk reveals his mohawk is no more and everybody is stunned]''
:'''Johnny''': Who did this?
:'''Hawk''': Cobra Kai.
:'''Johnny''': Kreese and Silver did this. They need to pay.
:'''Daniel''': Jesus, Johnny. Please. Kreese tried to kill you last time. What, you wanna fight them both?
:'''Johnny''': Damn right I do. Look what they did.
:'''Daniel''': Dousing the fire with gasoline, that's your answer? ''[exasperated]'' Why am I not surprised?
:'''Miguel''': Sensei, stop.
:'''Johnny''': You still think your way is the only way. You were so proud when they pulled their little sprinkler prank the other day, but if they stood their ground and kicked some ass like I taught them, this never would've happened. 
:'''Daniel''': And if they fight every time they're provoked, where does that lead? Back to the hospital? Or to jail? Come on, Just because you spent time in both... 
:'''Sam''': Enough, Dad.
:'''Daniel''': What?
:'''Sam''': Johnny's right. It doesn't matter how many times we stand up to Cobra Kai, if we don't strike back, they're gonna keep coming at us.
:'''Daniel''': ''[to Johnny]'' And you were worried about my influence on your kids? Is this what you want, Johnny? To have my daughter and the rest of my students acting like you?
:'''Johnny''': You don't have to worry about it anymore. 'Cause we're done.
:'''Daniel''': Works for me.
:'''Johnny''': Eagle Fangs, let's go. ''[they leave]''

=== ''Kicks Get Chicks'' [4.6] ===
:''[Daniel is asking Amanda why she's helping Tory]''
:'''Amanda''': Did I tell you about the time I was arrested?
:'''Daniel''': Sure. What? 
:'''Amanda''': It was a high school prank.
:'''Daniel''': Right.
:'''Amanda''': And by &quot;prank,&quot; I meant I took a baseball bat to my math tutor's car. With her in it.
:'''Daniel''': You... what? Why?
:'''Amanda''': She was having an affair with my dad. My parents' marriage was falling apart, I thought the world was ending, and I blamed her for taking it all away from me.
:'''Daniel''': know you didn't get along with your dad, but I did... I had no idea. 
:'''Amanda''': I was charged with misdemeanor reckless endangerment. I didn't walk my graduation. And then my parents divorced anyway.
:'''Daniel''': Why did you never tell me?
:'''Amanda''': Just worked hard to put it behind me. And it's not exactly a first date story. Or an any date story. I was young and upset. And I'm lucky it didn't ruin my life. Tory's young and upset. And maybe she's a lost cause, but... We'll never know if we don't try to help. All I want to do is try to break the pattern, Daniel. Kids like Tory get the same messages delivered to them over and over again the same exact way. Sometimes they just need a wake-up call to change course.

=== ''Minefields'' [4.7] ===
:''[Daniel and Amanda are summoned by the West Valley Middle School principal over another incident between Anthony's crew and Kenny]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': We're not sure what happened...
:'''Amanda LaRusso''': But whatever it is, we expect there to be a severe punishment for this.
:'''Principal''': Oh, there will be. I've already spoken to the parents of the other offending students. We're going to be suspending them. And your son.
:'''Daniel''': What? None of this is Anthony's fault.
:'''Principal''': Well, I'm afraid we have proof. ''[activates tablet showing security camera footage of the recent chase]'' Turns out this isn't the first time. ''[clip of Kenny opening his locker only to have a lot of milk spill out]'' Don't know how they got that milk in the locker. Anthony and the others have been cyberbullying Mr. Payne for some time. I've seen enough evidence to conclude that Anthony has been a real bully this year. ''[Daniel looks outside]''
:'''Kenny Payne''': ''[seeing Daniel's sad face; to Anthony as he smiles]'' I got you!

=== ''Party Time'' [4.8] ===
:''[Stingray enters the Cobra Kai dojo in his original white gi and tries to be chummy with everybody]''
:'''Stingray''': Sensei! Sir, I am reporting for duty and I require no thanks.
:'''Kreese''': Thanks for what?
:'''Stingray''': Oh, uh, you know, just defending the dojo and I-I served my time, Sensei sir. 
:'''Kreese''': Look, we're trying to train for a tournament. Let's carry on, everyone. 
:'''Stingray''': The All Valley tourney. I'm well aware. Say, listen, I got a couple of good ideas. Just basic strategy.
:'''Kreese''': Don't be ridiculous. You were never part of this team. You're a buffoon. A joker, an embarrassment. ''You have no value here.''
:'''Stingray''': Wow, what? But, Sensei, I'm, um, one of the guys, you know.
:'''Kreese''': ''You will never be Cobra Kai.'' You get that?
:'''Stingray''': Oh, wait, wait, w-wait, I got you. Th-This is, um... ''[chuckles]'' This is a test, right? Yeah, this is a test.
:'''Kreese''': ''[coldly]'' Get the hell out of here. 
:'''Stingray''': Challenge accepted. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel tries to talk to Anthony in the wake of a counselling session with his cousin Vanessa]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': Hey. Look, I know this suspension and the no-screens thing sucks. But not as much as it sucks to be bullied. So I hope you understand why these consequences are necessary. We're trying to help you to grow into the person we know you are, Anthony. I know it's been crazy around here this last little while and that part, that's on me. This tournament stuff made me lose focus on the things that are most important. 
:'''Anthony LaRusso''': Actually, I'm, uh... I'm looking forward to the tournament. You know, I hope you guys win. Okay? Screw Cobra Kai.
:'''Daniel''': Well, on that we can agree. ''[hears electronic chime]'' What is that? ''[gets angry because the suspension order included no electronic devices]'' We said no more screens. Are you ''hearing anything'' we're saying to you? Give me that, Anthony.
:'''Anthony''': ''[brings out tablet]'' It's not even an iPad. It barely has games. This doesn't count! ''[Daniel smashes tablet in two]'' Dad! Dad, are you insane? Do you know... 
:'''Daniel''': QUIET!!!! You're gonna learn to listen to us and do as you're told, and if you don't, you'd better strap yourself in for one hell of a rough ride because I am done playing games with you. Do you understand me??
:'''Anthony''': ''[meekly]'' Yes.
:'''Daniel''': ''[coldly]'' You better.
=== ''The Fall'' [4.9] ===
:''[Daniel calls out Robby over how Cobra Kai fighters saw through any Miyagi-Do opponent's moves and defeated them]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': You wanted to beat Miyagi-Do so badly you gave Cobra Kai all of our secrets. 
:'''Robby Keene''': The goal is to win. I did what I had to do. 
:'''Daniel''': If all you care about is winning, you didn't learn anything I taught you.
:'''Robby''': Everybody thinks their way is the only way. You, my dad, Cobra Kai. Truth is, it doesn't matter which way you fight as long as it works. And I'll use whatever it takes to win. 
:'''Daniel''': Why? To get back at your dad? Me? Sam? The world? If that's the case, I have another Miyagi-Do secret that you can slip to your friends. Never put passion in front of principle. Because even if you win, you lose.
=== ''The Rise'' [4.10] ===
:''[Anthony finds Kenny in the locker room, and tries to apologize over the bullying he and his clique gave him, but when LaRusso claims he could only imagine how Kenny felt...]''
:'''Kenny Payne''': Oh, you can imagine? Okay, go ahead.  
:'''Anthony LaRusso''': Uh, go ahead and...
:'''Kenny''': Tell me how it felt.  
:'''Anthony''': Well, like, not, uh, great?
:'''Kenny''': Then you wouldn't know. Because no one's ever been such a piece of ''[angered] SHIT to you!!!'' Well, maybe it's time you found out. ''[roundhouse kicks Anthony to the locker]'' How does that feel, LaPusso? Not great? Man, get up, get up! ''[pummels him and was set to deliver a final blow until Robby intervenes]''
:'''Robby''': What are you doing? 
:'''Kenny''': Just getting payback on the kid who thought he could bully me and get away with it.
:'''Robby''': Anthony LaRusso was your bully?
:'''Kenny''': Not anymore. ''[gets closer to Anthony and holds his face]'' Do you hear that? Get ready for high school next year because you're gonna be in a ''world of pain''. ''[gleefully smiles]'' 
:'''Robby''': Hey. This is not how I trained you. 
:'''Kenny''': It's Cobra Kai. No mercy. ''[walks off]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Silver''':''[pops cork]'' 1998 Bollinger. Been sitting in my cellar for years, waiting for the right moment.
:'''Kreese''': Not unlike yourself.
:'''Silver''': ''Touché''. I gotta give you credit, John. You reawakened something in me. Something I forgot was there. And I'll always be grateful for it. 
:'''Kreese''': Told you. ''[toasts]'' To Cobra Kai.
:'''Silver''': The number-one dojo in the Valley. I gotta say, I'm surprised you backed off on Nichols in the finals. That's not like you. 
:'''Kreese''': Well, what can I say? I had a moment of sympathy. 
:'''Silver''': That's a first. You remember when you asked me what I thought your weakness was? It's Johnny Lawrence. That's what this was all about, right? It was never about us teaming up or bringing back the glory days. That was all bullshit. 
:'''Kreese''': That's not true. 
:'''Silver''': Yes it is. And I fell for it. You know why? Because everyone has a weakness, John. And mine is you.
:'''Kreese''': You think that I'm your weakness? Well, you've got it backwards, because I am your strength. I have been your strength ever since Vietnam. 
:'''Silver''': Yes! There it is. I can always count on you playing the guilt card. How many times do you expect me to repay that debt before we're square? 
:'''Kreese''': ''[they notice the police arriving; to Silver]'' What did you do?
:''[flashback at the hospital]''
::'''Detective''': It's okay, Raymond. The man who did this can't hurt you anymore. Give me his name and I promise you I'll put him away for a long, long time.
::'''Stingray''': ''[remembers beatdown at the hands of Silver, who made him a certain deal]'' His name is Sensei Kreese. John Kreese. ''[detective leaves; Stingray has an attack of conscience]'' Fuck!!
:'''Silver''': I'm shedding my weakness, ''Captain''.
:'''Detective''': John Kreese, you're under arrest for aggravated assault and attempted murder. You have the right to remain silent.
:'''Silver''': ''[feigned surprise]'' John, what did you do?
:'''Police officer''': Hands behind your back. Come on. ''[Kreese shoves him off but elbows another officer]'' Hey!
:'''Silver''': John, take it easy. Don't worry about a thing. I'm sure I can dig up an old friend or two to help out with Cobra Kai while you deal with your legal problems.
:'''Kreese''': You're gonna regret this! I ''am'' Cobra Kai! 
:'''Detective''': Put him in the car! 
:'''Silver''': And don't worry about Lawrence. I'll take good care of him too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Carmen shows Johnny a letter]''
:'''Miguel''': ''[in letter]'' Mom, I'm sorry for leaving a note like this, but I thought it was the best way, maybe the only way, to say what I have to say. The last few months have been a roller coaster. My injury, rehab, me and Sam, Sensei and Mr. LaRusso. I convinced myself that I could get over all of that by focusing on the tournament. I thought that if I won that. everything would work out. But I was wrong. Tell Sensei that I'm sorry I bailed. His karate helped me grow, but I'm still not sure who I wanna be. And to figure that out, I think I need to know where I came from. Sensei was scared to find out the truth about his past, and honestly, I am too. But overcoming that fear is the fight I have to face instead of competing for a trophy. I need to meet my father. This is something I have to do. Please try not to worry. I'll be safe and I'll be back soon. I love you, Mom. And Yaya too.
:'''Carmen''': I called the police. I-I don't know what else to do.
:'''Johnny''': Everything's gonna be fine. I'm gonna find him. I'll make sure he's safe.
:'''Carmen''': Johnny. ''[inhales]'' There's something I didn't tell you about my ex-husband.
:'''Johnny''': I know. You said he's a bad dude. Don't worry. I can handle myself. And I'm sure he'd never hurt his own son.
:'''Carmen''': That's just it. He doesn't know Miguel exists. I just want my baby back home safe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Daniel visits Mr. Miyagi's grave]''
:'''Daniel LaRusso''': I did everything I thought was right. I followed all of the Miyagi-Do teachings. I even put aside my rivalry and teamed up with Johnny. None of it worked. Now I'm supposed to give up my dojo and step down as a sensei. But there's too much at stake to honor an agreement made with men who have none. If Cobra Kai is gonna keep growing and getting stronger, I need to do whatever it takes to stop them. Even if that means going on offense. I know this isn't your fight and this is a lot to ask... ''[camera pans out to reveal Chozen is nearby]'' but will you help me finally put an end to Cobra Kai?
:'''Chozen Toguchi''': ''Yoosssh!! [stands alongside Daniel and they bow to Mr. Miyagi's gravestone]''

==Cast==
* [[w:William Zabka|William Zabka]] - [[w:Johnny Lawrence (character)|Johnny Lawrence]]
* [[w:Ralph Macchio|Ralph Macchio]] - [[w:Daniel LaRusso|Daniel LaRusso]]
* [[w:Martin Kove|Martin Kove]] - [[w:John Kreese|John Kreese]]
* Thomas Ian Griffith - Terrance &quot;Terry&quot; Silver
* [[w:Xolo Maridueña|Xolo Maridueña]] - Miguel Diaz
* Tanner Buchanan - Robby Keene
* [[w:Jacob Bertrand|Jacob Bertrand]] - Eli &quot;Hawk&quot; Moskwitz
* Nichole Brown - Aisha Robinson
* [[w:Courtney Henggeler|Courtney Henggeler]] - Amanda LaRusso
* [[w:Mary Mouser|Mary Mouser]] - Samantha LaRusso
* [[w:Peyton_List_(actress,_born_1998)|Peyton List]] - Tory
* Tamlyn Tomita - Kumiko
* Yuji Okumoto - Chozen Toguchi

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{YouTube|channel=UCe9DTWmhhxeKyYHL4mldGcA}}
* {{IMDb title|7221388}}

[[Category:2010s American comedy-drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American high school TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American teen drama TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:YouTube Premium shows]]
[[Category:The Karate Kid]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Last lines in live-action films</title>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T03:18:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>72.92.56.171</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Live-action films */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="72736" xml:space="preserve">== Live-action films ==

* Christian.
** Who: Ana Steele
** Source: ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey (film)|50 Shades of Grey]]'' (2015)

* Will do.
** Who: Capt. Jack Ross
** Source: ''[[A Few Good Men]]'' (1992)

* Let's take a picture of the whole team. The original peaches! Hey, come on, come on. Okay.
** Who: Doris
* (in-credits:) Yesterday or tomorrow, that might be a ball but today, it was a strike!
** Who: Umpire
** Source: ''[[A League of Their Own]]'' (1992)

* Only because you got caught.
** Who: Jasmine
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (2019 film)|''Aladdin'' remake]]'' (2019)

* The mystic chords of memory, who swell and again touched as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
** Who: Danny Vinyard
** Source: ''[[American History X]]'' (1998)

* There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
** Who: Patrick Bateman
** Source: ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'' (2000)

* Hail to the King, Baby!
** Who: Ash Williams
** Source: ''[[Army of Darkness]]'' (1992)

* Our mission was called &quot;a successful failure,&quot; in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon. In the following months, it was determined that a damaged coil built inside the oxygen tank sparked during our cryo stir and caused the explosion that crippled the Odyssey. It was a minor defect that occured two years before I was even named the flight's commander. Fred Haise was going back to the moon on Apollo 18, but his mission was cancelled because of budget cuts; he never flew in space again. Nor did Jack Swigert, who left the astronaut corps and was elected to *Congress* from the state of Colorado. But he died of cancer before he was able to take office. Ken Mattingly orbited the moon as Command Module Pilot of Apollo 16, *and* flew the Space Shuttle, having never gotten the measles. Gene Kranz retired as Director of Flight Operations just not long ago. And many other members of Mission Control have gone on to other things, but some are still there. As for me, the seven extraordinary days of Apollo 13 were my last in space. I watched other men walk on the moon, and return safely, all from the confines of Mission Control and our house in Houston. I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be?
** Who: Jim Lovell
** Source: ''[[Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' (1995)

* Barney.
** Who: Baby Fig
** Source: ''[[Barney's Great Adventure]]'' (1998)

* Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. Hey, what is going on here? Hey, stop it, WHOA! Hey, This might be a good look for me.
** Who: Betelgeuse / &quot;Beetlejuice&quot;
** Source: ''[[Beetlejuice]] (1988)

* Yo, Little Mash, show me the &quot;Nutcracker&quot;.
** Who: The Masher
** Source: ''[[Big Fat Liar]]'' (2002)

* You know, I wouldn't bother...
** Who: Alan Wolf
* (in-credits:) And that, my darlings, is a wrap.
** Who: Kevin Shepherd
** Source: ''[[Bigger Fatter Liar]]'' (2017)

* You think he's horny? Come here.
** Who: Veronica Vaughn
** Source: ''[[Billy Madison]]'' (1995)

* Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No! No! [screaming] Help!
** Who: Mike Donnelly
** Source: ''[[Black Sheep (1996 film)|Black Sheep]]'' (1996)

* Give me peace.
** Who: Dracula
** Source: ''[[Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' (1992)

* Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
** Who: Brian Johnson
** Source: ''[[The Breakfast Club]]'' (1985)

* Yeah, sure you are.
** Who: Paramedic
** Source: ''[[The Cable Guy]]'' (1996)

* Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
** Who: Rick Blaine
** Source: ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' (1942)

* The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing? And that's that.
** Who: Samuel &quot;Sam / Ace&quot; Rothstein
** Source: ''[[Casino (film)|Casino]]'' (1995)

* It ain't over yet, boys!
** Who: Dr. James Harvey
** Source: ''[[Casper (film)|Casper]]'' (1995)

* Thank you.
** Who: Chuck Noland
** Source: ''[[Cast Away]]'' (2000)

* In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]'' (2005)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (in-credits:) Thank ya for noticing me.
** Who: Eeyore
** Source: ''[[Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]'' (2018)

* And so Kit and Ella were married. And I can tell you, as her fairy godmother, that they were counted to be the fairest and kindest rulers the kingdom had known. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be, if only you believe in courage, and kindness, and occasionally, just a little bit... of magic. 
** Who: Fairy Godmother
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|''Cinderella'' remake]]'' (2015)

* Throw that junk in too!
** Who: Raymond
** Source: ''[[Citizen Kane]]'' (1941)
** Notes: The credits show each actor saying their lines each from Joseph Cotten to George Coulouris, followed by the rest of the cast saving Orson Welles as the last one billed.

* Let's go home. Ah!
** Who: Mitch Robbins
** Source: ''[[City Slickers]]'' (1991)

* It's got friends.
** Who: Duke Washburn
** Source: ''[[City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold]] (1994)

* And, in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace and beauty and nobility of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (2006)

* I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
** Who: Kate Baker
** Source: ''[[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)|Cheaper by the Dozen]]'' (2003)

* Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
** Who: Walsh
** Source: ''[[Chinatown]]'' (1974)

* I got it!
** Who: Cher Horowitz
** Source: ''[[Clueless (film)|Clueless]]'' (1995)

* What is going on?! Don't you people have any respect?!
** Who: [[w:Kathryn Merteuil|Kathryn Merteuil]]
** Source: ''[[Cruel Intentions]]'' (1999)

* I'm everyone - and no one. Everywhere - nowhere. Call me...Darkman.
** Who: Darkman / Peyton Westlake
** Source: ''Darkman'' (1990)

* Sammy!
** Who: Jesse Barrett
** Source: ''[[Dark Skies]]'' (2013)

* Too late! That'll be mine!
** Who: Grinch
** Source: ''[[w:How the Grinch stole Christmas (film)|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas]]'' (2000)

* Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
** Who: The Cat in the Hat
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat]]'' (2003)

* Yeah, Dad.
** Who: Ben Hinton
** Source: ''[[Daddy Day Care]]'' (2003)

* Welcome to the Endangered Species list, you bastard.
** Who: Carol Brubaker
** Source: ''[[Dinoshark]]'' (2010)

* You looked wonderful out there.
** Who: Jake Houseman
** Source: ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'' (1987)

* Oh, no, not again.
** Who: The [[Eighth Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eighth Doctor|Doctor Who]]'' (1996)

* Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send. For I've only two words left and they are: The End.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Ella Enchanted]]'' (2006)

* I absolutely love Christmas.
** Who: Eloise
** Source: ''[[Eloise at Christmastime]]'' (2003)

* And so, they all lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Enchanted (2007 film)|Enchanted]]'' (2007)

* Bye.
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]]'' (1982)

* Hell, it's Saturday morning. Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon!
** Who: Mr. Hinchlow
** Source: ''[[Evil Toons]]'' (1992)

* You can't let fear keep you from caring about someone, because caring about someone is wonderful. A person you can think about, and they think about you, and you both know you're thinking about each other. And it's... It's fantastic to know that there's somebody out there in the world thinking about you.
** Who: Fat Albert
* (in-credits:) Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people. Why, look at that guy. Ooh, look at his-- Yeah, you can't tell me he doesn't need my help. Check out that lady over there. Do I detect tears? Eh, you in the back! Where are you goin'? It's not over! You gotta watch the end credits.
** Who: Fat Albert
** Source: ''[[Fat Albert (film)|Fat Albert]] (2004)

* You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.
** Who: Ferris Bueller
** Source: ''[[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]]'' (1986)

* You met me at a very strange time in my life.
** Who: The Narrator
** Source: ''[[Fight Club]]'' (1999)

* WILMAAAA!
** Who: Fred Flintstone
** Source: ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'' (1994)

* When we get to the hotel, I don't care what you say. I'm not sharing a room with him. Look at him, he's gross, he bounces all the time, he squeaks, he phase-shifts, I mean he's a Quasi-plasmoid. If it's hot in Hawaii, I hope he melts.
** Who: Webette
** Source: ''[[Flubber (film)|Flubber]]'' (1997)

* Of course; you're Dorothy Harris, and I'm Forrest Gump.
** Who: Forrest Gump Jr.
** Source: ''[[Forrest Gump]]'' (1994)

* No, no, no, really. It's easy for me. I'll just make a phone call. Make it easy for you.
** Who: Carmine Sabatini
** Source: ''The Freshman'' (1990)

*My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive, in one piece and short. I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.
**Who: Private Joker
**Source: ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' (1987)

* George just lucky, I guess.
** Who: George
* (in-credits:) Wait a moment! Wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know what happened to me?
** Who: Ape
* (post-credits:) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle.
** Who: Ape
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]'' (1997)

* George, Watch out for that...
** Who: Ursula
* (mid-credits:) Oh, man. Sorry!
** Who: Narrator
* (post-credits:) Well, It's very nice to meet you.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle 2]]'' (2003)

* Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say: Huh. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
** Who: Ed
** Source: ''[[Good Burger]]'' (1997)

* And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody...get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.
** Who: Henry Hill
** Source: ''[[Goodfellas]]'' (1990)

* Bye, Willy. Thanks.
** Who: Mikey
** Source: ''[[The Goonies]]'' (1985)

* A womp bam boom!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Grease (film)|Grease]]'' (1978)

* The certainest. Yeah, I like that. I'd love to kiss you again.
** Who: Michael Carrington
** Source: ''[[Grease 2]]'' (1982)

* It's beautiful! Let's live it here. ''[they kiss]'' We'll rent to start.
** Who: Phil Connors
** Source: ''[[Groundhog Day (film)|Groundhog Day]]'' (1993)

* Of course you can... My fair princess.
** Who: Lemuel Gulliver
** Source: ''[[Gulliver's Travels (2010 film)|Gulliver's Travels]]'' (2010)

* Not anymore.
** Who: Dr. Linda McKay
** Source: ''[[Hollow Man]]'' (2000)

* Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
** Who: Peter Banning
** Source: ''[[Hook (film)|Hook]] (1991)

* Bad kitty! Use the litter box!
** Who: Jonathan Barnavelt
** Source: ''[[The House with a Clock in Its Walls]]'' (2018)

* In our new home.
** Who: Old Murph
** Source: ''[[Interstellar]]'' (2014)

* See you, mom. Yeah, let's go. See you out of here. We made it.
** Who: Jack Powell
** Source: ''[[Jack (1996 film)|Jack]]'' (1996)

* This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend, anyway?
** Who: Fern Mayo / Vylette
** Source: ''[[Jawbreaker]]'' (1999)

* That's my dad! That's my dad!
** Who: Jamie Langston
* (post-credits:) What did you get ''me''?
** Who: Liz Langston
** Source: ''[[Jingle All the Way]]'' (1996)

* That's all, blokes!
** Who: Kangaroo Jack
** Source: ''[[Kangaroo Jack]]'' (2003)

* Thanks a lot! ''[whoops]'' Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it, we did it! All right! ''[whoops victoriously]''
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid]]'' (1984)

* Wrong.
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part II]]'' (1986)

* We did it! We did it!
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part III]]'' (1989)

* Oh no, It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]'' (1933)

* It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong]]'' (2005)

* I do, father.
** Who: Azula
** Source: ''[[The Last Airbender]]'' (2010)

* RICHIE...!!!
** Who: Bob Valenzuela
** Source: ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' (1987)

* Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down and important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
** Who: Lemony Snicket
** Source: ''[[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]]'' (2004)

* Nothing can stop the Claw!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
* (in-credits:) Oh no. They're on to me!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
** Source: ''[[Liar Liar]]'' (1997)

* Hey! How's it going?
** Who: Nadine
** Source: ''The Edge of Seventeen'' (2016)

* Science!
** Who: Lisa Loud 
** Source: ''[[A Loud House Christmas]]'' (2021)

* Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don't stay away too long.
** Who: Bert
** Source: ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' (1964)

* Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long, precisely having...
** Who: Matilda Wormwood
** Source: ''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' (1996)

* Play &quot;The Garden of Love&quot;.
** Who: Heidi the Hippo
** Source: ''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' (1989)

* Now, where was I?
** Who: Leonard Shelby
** Source: ''[[Memento]]'' (2000)

* Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. OK. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl and peanut butter and jelly for kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...
** Who: Ernie Smuntz
** Source: ''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' (1997)

* Damn, these things are fast! I'm okay! I'm okay!
** Who: Crazy Eyes
** Source: ''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' (2002)

* Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick.&quot; Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.
** Who: Mrs. Doubtfire
** Source: ''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' (1993)

* And I get to tend the rabbits...
** Who: Lennie Small
** Source: ''[[Of Mice and Men]]'' (1992)

* Roger, darling. I've got the most wonderful news.
** Who: Anita Dearly
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians (1996 film)|101 Dalmatians remake]]'' (1996)

* It's the only kind he knows.
** Who: Misha
** Source: ''[[Paulie]]'' (1998)

* I don't have to see it, Dottie. I ''lived'' it.
** Who: Pee-Wee Herman
** Source: ''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' (1985)

* And remember, you're supposed to be invisible!
** Who: Pete
** Source: ''[[Pete's Dragon (1977 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977)

* The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Picnic at Hanging Rock (film)|Picnic at Hanging Rock]]'' (1975)

* Hey, kids. Daddy's home.
** Who: Ludlow Lamonsoff
** Source: ''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015)

* You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.
** Who: John Cutter
** Source: [[The Prestige]] (2006)

* MIKE!!!
** Who: Heather Donahue
** Source: [[The Blair Witch Project]] (1999)

* Walking towards that stage, I felt like I was floating. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't really understand why I was getting a medal. It's not like blew up the Death Star. All I did was get through fifth grade, just like everyone else here.
* Congrats. Here, here you go...that's for you.
* Then again, maybe that’s kind of the point. Maybe the truth is, I’m really not so ordinary. Maybe if we knew what other people were thinking we’d know that no one’s ordinary, and we all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives. My friends do. My teachers do. My sister does for always being there for me. My dad does for always making us laugh. And my mom does the most, for never giving up, on anything. Especially, me. It’s like that last precept Mr. Browne gave us. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look.
** Who: August Pullman and Mr. Tushman
** Source: ''Wonder'' (2017)

* It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, &quot;Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly...&quot;
** Who: Norma Bates
** Source: ''[[Psycho]]'' (1960)

* FREEZE! Drop the fucking gun, buddy. Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop the gun man! Don't do it! Drop the fucking gun. We're gonna fucking blow you away!
** Who: Police officers
** Source: ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (1992)

* What was that?
** Who: Malcolm Reynolds
** Source: ''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' (2005)

* Hell of a day.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado]]'' (2013)

* I love New York.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado 2: The Second One]]'' (2014)

* So in the end, my girlfriend became my arch enemy, my arch enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my girlfriend. But, hey, that's high school.
** Who: Will Stronghold
** Source: ''[[Sky High (2005 film)|Sky High]]'' (2005)

* I hope we don't hit an iceberg.
** Who: Slamfist
** Source: ''[[Small Soldiers]]'' (1998)

* Oh no, you don't. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me. Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks. Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog
* (pre-credits:) My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start. Do some Rockconnaissance. Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious. What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas. Rockconnaissance! [cackles maniacally] Come on, cheer up!
** Who: Dr. Robotnik / Dr. Eggman
* (mid-credits:) If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late.
** Who: Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2020)

* Can't forget this.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog 
* (mid-credits:) My god... Project Shadow.
** Who: G.U.N. Commander Walters
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]'' (2022)

* All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
** Who: Norma Desmond
** Source: ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' (1950)

* I believe.
** Who: Mario
* (post-credits:) The Super Koopa Cousins!
** Who: Spike and Iggy Koopa
** Source: ''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' (1993)

* You were marvelous...and I never want to see any of you again. I might as well...they're the last roses I'll ever see. Vous!
** Who: Carroll &quot;Toddy&quot; Todd
** Source: ''[[Victor / Victoria]]'' (1982)

* Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm.
** Who: Dot Matrix
** Source: ''[[Spaceballs]]'' (1987)

* Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.
** Who: Thomas &quot;Tommy&quot; Callahan III
** Source: ''[[Tommy Boy]]'' (1995)

* You know what? I think we've seen enough. [kisses Bill]
** Who: Jo Harding
** Source: ''[[Twister]]'' (1996)

* And so we've come to the happy end of our story. But it's time for all of us to go home... just like Thomas.
** Who: Mr. Conductor
** Source: ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000)

* After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he's gone.
** Who: Roger &quot;Verbal&quot; Kint, AKA Keyser Söze
** Source: ''[[The Usual Suspects]]'' (1995)

* Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so.
** Who: K.W.
** Source: ''[[Where the Wild Things Are|Where The Wild Things Are]]'' (2009)

* Okay, m-m-m-m-m-move along. Th-th-there's nothing else to see. Th-that's all, folks! Hmm. I like the sound of that. Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)

* He lived happily ever after.
** Who: Willy Wonka
** Source: ''[[Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1971)

* Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home.
** Who: Dorothy Gale
** Source: ''[[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]]'' (1939)

* Okay. You can go.
** Who: VJ Emmie
** Source: ''[[w:Who Killed Captain Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]'' (2010, 2015 re-release)

* You still got your Izod?
** Who: Griffin Keyes
** Source: ''[[Zookeeper (film)|Zookeeper]]'' (2011)

=== ''Alien'' film series ===

* Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas - are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off. [to Jonesy] Come on, cat.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' (1979)

* I-ffirmative.
** Who: Rebecca &quot;Newt&quot; Jorden
** Source: ''[[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'' (1986)

* Ash, Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien 3|Alien 3]]'' (1992)

* I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien: Resurrection]]'' (1997)

* Final report of the vessel Prometheus. The ship and her entire crew are gone. If you're receiving this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is New Year's Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elisabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I am still searching.
** Who: Elizabeth Shaw
** Source: ''[[Prometheus (2012 film)|Prometheus]]'' (2012)

* This is colony ship Covenant, reporting. All crew members apart from Daniels and Tennessee tragically perished in a solar flare incident. All colonists in hypersleep remain intact and undisturbed. On course for Origae-6. Hopefully this transmission will reach the network, and be relayed in 1.36 years. This is Walter, signing off. Security code, 31564-F.
** Who: Walter One
** Source: ''Alien: Covenant'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Marc_Webb_films|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' film series ===

* You should leave him alone!
** Who: Dr. Curt Connors
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man (2012 film)|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' (2012)

* There's no place like home.
** Who: Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' film series ===

* OKAY!!!
** Who: Alvin
* (post-credits:) Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' (2007)

* Okay! this one's for Dave.
** Who: Alvin Seville
* (mid-credits:) ALVIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits 2:) Good start, gentlemen. Only 10 more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it.
** Who: Dr. Rubin
* (post-credits:) All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out. Is this necessary? Come on. Is that necessary? Is that... At least let me go back and get my purse.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009)

* Thank you!
** Who: Alvin Seville 
* (mid-credits:) AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!!!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011)

* AAAALLLLVIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits:) Oh, come on! Come on. What are you gonna do, carry me out? Really? Okay, you are gonna carry me out. Okay! Okay, this is fine! I've been looking to relax all day! I'm like Cleopatra! Floating away! I'm gonna chillax!
** Who: Agent James Suggs
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015)

=== ''Austin Powers'' film series ===

* I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah!
** Who: Austin Powers
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery]]'' (1997)

* Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me, it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm gonna get you Austin Powers, I'm gonna get you. [laughs evilly]
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) Paging Dr. Freud.
** Who: Past Austin Powers
* (post-credits:) Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing! [screams and falls to the ground]
** Who: Mustafa
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me]]'' (1999)

* I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly and dances like Michael Jackson]
** Who: Dr. Scott Evil
* (mid-credits:) Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach
** Who: Austin Powers (echo)
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers in Goldmember]]'' (2002)

=== ''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]'' film series ===

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
** Source: ''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]'' (1995)

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
* (post-credits:) Thank you for staying until the end. Bye-bye.
** Who: Mouse
** Source: ''[[Babe: Pig in the City]]'' (1998)

=== ''[[Batman]]'' films ===

* Our job is finished.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman (1966 film)|Batman: The Movie]]'' (1966)

* I'm not a bit surprised.
** Who: Vicki Vale
** Source: ''[[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' (1989)

* Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men and women.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman Returns]]'' (1992)

* Don't work too late.
** Who: Chase Meridian
** Source: ''[[Batman Forever]]'' (1995)

* We're going to need a bigger cave.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman and Robin (1997 film)|Batman &amp; Robin]]'' (1997)

* And you'll never have to.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (2005)

* Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.
** Who: Commissioner James Gordon
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' (2008)

* Si, Fernet Branca, per cortesia.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]'' (2012)

=== ''[[Back to the Future]]'' trilogy ===

* Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future]]'' (1985)

* Doc! Doc? Doc? Oh, fantastic.
** Who: Marty McFly
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part II]]'' (1989)

* Nope. Already been there.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part III]]'' (1990)

=== ''Bill &amp; Ted'' film series ===

* They do get better.
** Who: Rufus
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]]'' (1989)

* Very good, very good.
** Who: British husband
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Bogus Journey]]'' (1991)

* And so, it wasn't so much the song that made a difference. It was everyone playing together...and it worked.
** Who: Wilhelmina &quot;Billie&quot; Logan
* (post-credits): Nurse!
** Who: Elder Ted &quot;Theodore&quot; Logan
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted: Face The Music]]'' (2020)

=== DC Extended Universe ===

* Of all the Lanterns who have ever worn the ring, there was one whose light shined brightest. At first his humanity was thought to be a weakness, and yet it proved to be his greatest strength.
** Who: Tomar-Re
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' (2011)

* Glad to be here, Lois.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' (2013)

* Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bells are ringing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' (2016)

* You should shut it down, or my friends and I will do it for you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' (2016)

* I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind; but then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learnt that inside every one of them there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves — something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know... that only love can truly save the world. So now I stay, I fight, and I give — for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever.
** Who: Wonder Woman
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2017 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2017)

* No, I have too much to live for and more important things to do. We have to level the playing field, Mr. Wilson. To put it plainly, shouldn't we have a league of our own?
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Justice League (film)|Justice League]]'' (2017)

* Sure. But first, you gotta tell me how to find him.
** Who: David Kane / Black Manta
** Source: ''[[Aquaman (film)|Aquaman]]'' (2018)

* Uh... well, that's not THAT cool.
** Who: Billy Batson / Shazam
** Source: ''[[Shazam! (film)|Shazam!]]'' (2019)

* Are you dummies still sitting there? Fine! Since you stuck it out this long, I'll tell you a super-duper secret secret, which you can't tell anyone! Okay. Did you know that Batman f...
** Who: Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn
** Source: ''[[Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)]]'' (2020)

* Just to save the fucking world, that’s all.
** Who: Emilia Harcourt
** Source: ''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|The Suicide Squad]]'' (2021)

=== ''Dennis the Menace'' film series ===

* Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid!
** Who: Andrea
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace'' (1993)

* He's a menace!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace: Strikes Again'' (1998)

* Dennis!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''A Dennis the Menace Christmas'' (2007)

=== Disney Channel Original Movies ===

* Let's kick it!
** Who: Dee La Duke
* (extended ending:) And...go.
** Who: Mitchie Torres
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock]]'' (2008)

* I'm sure we can work something out.
** Who: Brown Cesario
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam]]'' (2010)

* Santa?
** Who: Rowena Clyborn
** Source: ''Christmas...Again?!'' (2021)

* Oh... (laughs) I was having so much fun, I almost forgot. You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Mal
** Source: ''[[Descendants (2015 film)|Descentants]]'' (2015)

* What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Uma
** Source: ''[[Descendants 2]]'' (2017)

* Hey, last one over the bridge...
* ...Is a ROTTEN APPLE!!!
** Who 1: Carlos
** Who 2: The VKs
** Source: ''[[Descendants 3]]'' (2019)

* Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! Whoo!
** Who: Troy Bolten
* (post-credits:) I might even make you a creme brulee.
** Who: Zeke Baylor
** Source: ''[[High School Musical]]'' (2006)

* No. Here's to right now.
** Who: Troy Bolten
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 2]]'' (2007)

* ''[singing]'' All together makes it better! Memories that last forever! I want the rest of my life to feel just like a...High School Musical!
** Who: Troy Bolten, Gabrielle Montez, Ryan Evans, Sharpay Evans, Chad Danforth, and Taylor McKessie
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 3: Senior Year]]'' (2008)

* So, things went back to normal. Or, at least as normal as the life of a high school crime fighter can be. It took some time and a mega amount of coding, but we stabilized Athena, flushed out Drakken's evil programming, and saved the good in her. Together, we formed a martial arts club, and now everyone at Middleton High wants to join. Well, almost everyone. And as for me, learning to be a better friend... Made me a better hero.
** Who: Kim Possible
* (in-credits:) Okay. My new evil master plan to take down Kim Possible will be my tightest yet!
** Who: Young Dr. Drakken
** Source: ''Kim Possible'' (2019)

* I just hope our new guitar player can keep up.
** Who: Olivia White
** Source: ''[[Lemonade Mouth (film)|Lemonade Mouth]]'' (2011)

* Sing!
** Who: Brady
** Source: ''[[w:Teen Beach Movie|Teen Beach Movie]]'' (2013)

* I'm Mack.
** Who: McKenzie / Mack
** Souce: ''[[w:Teen Beach 2|Teen Beach 2]]'' (2015)

* Pretty soon, everyone forgot about the Sage way. That's the old way. The new way is to let kids be themselves. After all, everybody has their something. And letting everybody be the most of their something they can be? That's the ''real'' magic.
** Who: Nori Boxwood-Horace
** Source: ''Upside-Down Magic'' (2020)

* Zander, this is Puppy.
** Who: Zoey
** Source: ''[[Zombies (2018 film)|Zombies]]'' (2018)

* Weird...
** Who: Addison Wells
** Source: ''[[Zombies 2|Zombies 2]]'' (2020)

=== ''Ghostbusters'' series ===

* I love this town! Ha ha!
** Who: Winston Zeddmore
* (in-credits:) I wanna go with them, in their car.
** Who: Louis Tully
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1984)

* No, I believe it's one of the Fettuccinis.
** Who: Peter Venkman
* (in-credits:) Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' (1989)

=== ''Goosebumps'' film series ===

* You forgot about me.
** Who: Invisible Boy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps (film)|Goosebumps]]'' (2015)

* You try living in a book for a while, Papa.
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
* (in-credits:) Hiya! Look at my candle.
** Who: Pumpkin
* (post-credits:) Slappy Halloween. [cackles]
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween]]'' (2018)

=== ''Hannibal Lecter'' series ===

* Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter?
** Who: Clarice Starling
** Source: ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991)

=== ''[[Harry Potter]]'' series ===

* I'm not going home. Not really.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)|Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'' (2001)

* Proud? They'll be furious!
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]'' (2002)

* This came with it.
** Who 1: Hermione Granger
* How fast does it go, Harry?
** Who 2: Random Gryffindor Student
* Mischief managed. Nox.
** Who 3: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]'' (2004)

* Yeah. Every week.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)|Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire]]'' (2005)

* Something worth fighting for.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (film)|Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix]]'' (2007)

* I never realized how beautiful this place was.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]]'' (2009)

* I want to bury him. Properly, without magic.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]'' (2010)

* Ready.
** Who: Albus Severus Potter
* Bye!
** Who: Random Hogwarts Student on the train
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]'' (2011)

* So yeah. It was...very...it was a very good ten years.
** Who: Daniel Radcliffe
* After all this time?
* Always.
** Who: Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore (Archival footage)
** Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022)

=== ''[[Home Alone]]'' series ===

* Kevin! What did you do to my room?!
** Who: Buzz McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone]]'' (1990)

* KEVIN! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!!
** Who: Peter McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (1992)

=== ''Independence Day'' films ===

* Yeah.
** Who: Dylan Dubrow-Hiller
** Source: ''[[Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day]]'' (1996)

* Time to kick some serious alien ass.
** Who: Dr. Brakish Okun
** Source: ''[[Independence Day: Resurgence]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Indiana Jones]]'' series ===

* Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. You know, a drink?
** Who: Marion Ravenwood
** Source: ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (1981)

* Uh-oh!
** Who: Short Round
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]'' (1984)

* Yes, sir.
** Who: Indiana Jones
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (1989)

* Thanks, Ox.
** Who: Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' (2008)

=== ''Inspector Gadget'' films ===

* A happy ending. What could be better than true love? Ooh, cute little bug. Wait up, fraulein. Did you know I speak German? Fahrvergnugen, baby.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (mid-credits:) All these fine people made me look good.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (post-credits:) Good night, Riverton!
** Who: Gadgetmobile
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget (film)|Inspector Gadget]]'' (1999)

* GADGET!!
** Who: Chief Quimby and Mayor Wilson
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget 2]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[James Bond]]'' films ===

* Throw us your line.
** Who: Felix Leiter
** Source: ''[[Dr. No]]'' (1962)

* I'll show you.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[From Russia With Love]]'' (1963)

* Oh, no, you don't. This is not time to be rescued.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Goldfinger]]'' (1964)

* Get down!
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Thunderball]]'' (1965)

* It will be a pleasure sir.
** Who: Miss Moneypenny
** Source: ''[[You Only Live Twice]]'' (1967)

* Four, three, two.
** Who: Jimmy Bond
** Source: ''Casino Royale'' (1967)

* It's no hurry, really. All the time in the world.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' (1969)

* James, how do we get those diamonds down again?
** Who: Tiffany Case
** Source: ''[[Diamonds Are Forever]]'' (1971)

* Just being disarming, darling.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Live and Let Die]]'' (1973)

* Goodnight, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun]]'' (1974)

* Keeping the British end up, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' (1977)

* Why not?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Moonraker]]'' (1979)

* Bond, Bond, Bond!
** Who: Sir Frederick Gray
** Source: ''[[For Your Eyes Only]]'' (1981)

* James.
** Who: Octopussy
** Source: ''[[Octopussy]]'' (1983)

* Never?
** Who: Domino Petachi
** Source: ''[[Never Say Never Again]]'' (1983)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Stacey Stutton
** Source: ''[[A View to a Kill]]'' (1985)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Kara Milovy
** Source: ''[[The Living Daylights]]'' (1987)

* So, why don't you ask me.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Licence to Kill]]'' (1989)

* Darling, what could possibly go wrong, okay?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[GoldenEye]]'' (1995)

* Let's stay undercover.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' (1997)

* I thought Christmas only comes once a year.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'' (1999)

* Especially, when your bad.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (2002)

* The names Bond. James Bond.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Casino Royale (2006 film)|Casino Royale]]'' (2006)

* I never left.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' (2008)

* With pleasure, M. With pleasure.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Skyfall]]'' (2012)

* There's just one thing I need.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Spectre (2015 film)|Spectre]]'' (2015)

* I'm going to tell you a story...about a man. His name is Bond, James Bond.
** Who: Madeleine Swann
** Source: ''[[No Time To Die]]'' (2021)

=== ''Jaws'' series ===

* I can't imagine why.
** Who: Matt Hooper
** Source: ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' (1975)

* Sure they did.
** Who: Brody
** Source: ''[[Jaws 2]]'' (1978)

* All right!
** Who: Mike
** Source: ''[[Jaws 3-D]]'' (1983)

* There they were, all hundred of them!
** Who: Hoagie
** Source: ''[[Jaws: The Revenge]]'' (1987)

=== ''Jumanji'' series ===

* What's that noise?
** Who: Emilie Reynaud
** Source: ''[[Jumanji]]'' (1995)

* Smoldering.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle]]'' (2017)

* I don't know if we already agreed on that.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: The Next Level]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' series ===

* Come on.
** Who: Dr. Alan Grant
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' (1993)

* It is absolutely imperative that we work with the Costa Rican Department of Biological Preserves to establish a set of rules for the preservation and isolation of that island. These creatures require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we could only step aside and trust in nature, life will find a way.
** Who: John Hammond
** Source: ''[[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]]'' (1997)

* Let's go home.
** Who: Paul Kirby
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park III]]'' (2001)

* Probably stick together, for survival.
** Who: Owen Grady
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World]]'' (2015)

* Welcome to Jurassic World.
** Who: Ian Malcolm
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]]'' (2018)

=== Marvel Cinematic Universe ===

* I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Iron Man (2008 film)|Iron Man]]'' (2008)

* Who's &quot;we&quot;?
** Who: General Thunderbolt Ross
** Source: ''[[The Incredible Hulk (film)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' (2008)

* Sir, we found it.
** Who: Agent Phil Coulson
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 2]]'' (2010)

* Well, I guess that's worth a look.
** Who: Loki, via Erik Selvig
** Source: ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (2011)

* Yeah. Yeah, I just... I had a date.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The First Avenger]]'' (2011)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''The Avengers'', and thus not truly end the film.

* To challenge them... is to court... death.
** Who: The Other
** Source: ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'' (2012)

* I'm 14-years-old, and I still had a nanny. That was weird.
** Who: Tony Stark
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' (2013)

* One down, five to go.
** Who: The Collector
** Source: ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' (2013)

* There is nothing more horrifying... than a miracle.
** Who: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'' (2014)

* What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. Yeah! But it burns going down.
** Who: Howard the Duck
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' (2014)

* Fine, I'll do it myself.
** Who: Thanos
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (2015)

* It's about damn time.
** Who: Hope van Dyne
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man (film)|Ant-Man]]'' (2015)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Captain America: Civil War'', and thus not truly end the film.

* Hey, can you shut the door?
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' (2016)

* Because I see at long last what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers.
** Who: Karl Mordo
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' (2016)

* Hey, fellas! Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get out of here? Hey! Oh, gee, I've got so many more stories to tell! Oh, guys! Oh, gee!
** Who: The Watcher Informant
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'' (2017)

* Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... How many more of these?
** Who: Steve Rogers / Captain America
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Post-credit scene is a PSA recording of Captain America.

* I just, I gotta say. I'm proud of you all. This revolution has been a huge success. Yay us! Pat-pat on the back. Pat on the back. Come on. No? Me too. 'Cause I've been a big part of it. Can't have a revolution without somebody to overthrow! So, ah, you're welcome. And, uh, it's a tie.
** Who: The Grandmaster
** Source: ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (2017)

* Come, we have much to learn.
** Who: Shuri
** Source: ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (2018)

* Oh, no. Motherf...
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'' (2018)

* Hello? Ha-ha, very funny. Hank, quit screwing around. You told me yourself, not screw around. Hank? Hope? Janet? Guys... Guys? Be seriously, don't joke around! Bring me up, let's go! GUYS!
** Who: Scott Lang / Ant-Man
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp]]'' (2018)

* Where's Fury?
** Who: Captain Marvel
** Source: ''[[Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]'' (2019)

* No. No, I don't think I will.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' (2019)

* Who's got my shoes?
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Far From Home]]'' (2019)

* Oh yeah. You and me both. Believe me... you're gonna earn it. I've got your next target. Thought I'd hand-deliver it. Maybe you'd like a shot at the man responsible for your sister's death. Kind of a cutie, don't you think?
** Who: Valentina Allegra de Fontaine
** Source: ''[[Black Widow (2021 film)|Black Widow]]'' (2021)

* Let's get started. We have a lot of work to do.
** Who: Xialing
** Source: ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' (2021)

* Sure you’re ready for that, Mr. Whitman?
** Who: Mysterious Man
** Source: ''[[Eternals (film)|Eternals]]'' (2021)
** Note: The unseen man is identified off-screen as Eric Brooks / Blade.

* And there he goes. Without paying the bills, no tips, nothing.
** Who: Bartender
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' (2021)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness'', and thus not truly end the film.

* (laughs maniacally) It's over!
** Who: Pizza Poppa vendor (Bruce Campbell)
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness]]'' (2022)

=== ''The Mask'' film series ===

* SSSMOKIN'!
** Who: Stanley Ipkiss
** Source: ''[[The Mask (film)|The Mask]]'' (1994)

* What do you think about that Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound?
** Who: Tim Avery
** Source: ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' ===

* I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
** Who: Neo / Thomas A. Anderson
** Source: ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999)

* Only one.
** Who: Roland
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (2003)

* Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed.
** Who: The Oracle
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (2003)

* Another chance.
** Who: Trinity
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Resurrections]]'' (2021)

=== ''Middle-Earth'' film series ===

* I'm glad you're with me.
** Who: Frodo Baggins
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (2001)

* Follow me.
** Who: Gollum
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* Well, I'm back.
** Who: Samwise Gamgee
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]]'' (2003)

* You're right. I do believe the worst is behind us.
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey]]'' (2012)

* What have we done?
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug]]'' (2013)

* Welcome, welcome...
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies]]'' (2014)

=== ''Men in Black'' film series ===

* Not much of a disguise.
** Who: Agent L
** Source: ''[[Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]'' (1997)

* Whoa.
** Who: Frank the Pug
** Source: ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002)

* That was a close one.
** Who: Griffin
** Source: ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012)

* Yeah, got it. I'm gonna trust my gut.
** Who: Agent M
** Source: ''[[Men in Black: International]]'' (2019)

=== ''MonsterVerse'' ===

* Sweetie!
** Who: Elle Brody
** Source: ''[[Godzilla (2014 film)|Godzilla]]'' (2014)

* This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is, how long before they take it back. Kong is not the only king.
** Who: Houston Brooks
** Source: ''[[Kong: Skull Island]]'' (2017)

=== ''National Treasure'' ===

* You'll figure it out.
** Who: Abigail Chase
** Source: ''[[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]]'' (2004)

* I love this car.
** Who: Riley Poole
** Source: ''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets|National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' (2007)

=== ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' ===

* Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!
** who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' (2003)

* So, tell me, what's become of my ship?
** who: Captain Hector Barbossa
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' (2006)

* Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me...
** who: Henry Turner
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' (2007)

* Savvy?
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' (2011)

* I have a rendezvous beyond my... Beloved horizon.
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** Source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Planet of the Apes]]'' ===

* You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
** Who: Captain George Taylor
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968)

* In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.
** Who: Ending Voiceover
** Source: ''[[Beneath the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1970)

* Mama? Mama? Mama?
** Who: Milo
** Source: ''[[Escape from the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1971)

* But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Conquest of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1972)

* Perhaps only the dead.
** Who: The Lawgiver
** Source: ''[[Battle for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1973)

* Keep your hands up!
** Who: Police Ape 3
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001)

* Okay. Caesar is home. Go.
** Who: Will Rodman
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2011)

* I did, too.
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Dawn of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2014)

* Caesar.
** Who: Maurice
** Source: ''[[War for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Power Rangers]]'' film series ===

* Wha-hoo, Yeah.
** Who: Fred Kelman
* (mid-credits:) Uh-oh!
** Who: Goldar and Mordant
** Source: ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* Yeah, Woo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
* (mid-credits:) Shift into Turbo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
** Source: ''[[Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie]]'' (1997)

* This Ranger team did what my team could not. You will humbly walk amongst your peers, but heroes you all will be. Each of your names will be etched alongside the great Ranger teams before you. I will always owe a debt of gratitude to you all.
** Who: Zordon
* (mid-credits:) It might've been my fault, It might've been my fault, I'm so sorry.
** Who: Billy Cranston
** Source: ''[[Power Rangers (2017 film)|Power Rangers]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[RoboCop]]'' ===

* Murphy.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop]]'' (1987)

* Patience, Lewis. We're only human.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' (1990)

* My friends call me Murphy. You can call me... RoboCop!
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[Robocop 3]]'' (1993)

=== ''Scooby-Doo'' live action movies ===

* Looking for clues and kicking butt.
** Who: Velma Dinkley
* (in-credits:) One, two, three!
** Who: Scooby-Doo and Shaggy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002)

* Scooby-dooby-doo!
** Who: Scooby-Doo
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' ===

* That is 278 incredible, colossal credits! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love motion pictures! Wonderful! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
** Who: [[w:Count von Count|Count von Count]]
** Source: ''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' (1985)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: [[w:Ernie (Sesame Street)|Ernie]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland]]'' (1999)

=== ''The Santa Clause'' film series ===

* Santa!
** Who: Laura Miller
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause]]'' (1994)

* They're all in a straight line, Chet. Chet! CHET!!
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 2]]'' (2002)

* That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus.
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Smurfs in film|The Smurfs]]'' film series ===

* Smurfs. Smurfs! I wish I could quit you. Get out of here. What are you looking at?
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'' (2011)
** Note: He was stuck in New York City powerless and while the Smurfs went back to Smurf Village with victory and no Gargamel to bother him.

* How dare you call me that? I have bungled nothing! Well, Paris is over, my friend. We're back here in the Dark Ages. I suggest you get used to it. Aw, you want room service? Why don't you yell out the window? Don't you show your claws to me unless you are prepared to use them, Mr Pussy Foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Stop it! Not the face! Not the face!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'' (2013)
** Note: At the end when Gargamel blasts off into the air, he and Azrael gets sent back to the castle. They get into a fight and Azrael then attacks Gargamel with his claws.

=== ''Sony's Spider-Man Universe'' films ===

* When I get out of here - and I will - there's gonna be ''carnage''.
** Who: Cletus Kasady
** Source: ''[[Venom (film)|Venom]]'' (2018)
** Note: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse'', and thus not truly end the film.
* (''Roomer: &quot;Dude, what are you doing in my room?&quot;'') Uh... I...
** Who: Eddie Brock
** Source: ''[[Venom: Let There Be Carnage]]'' (2021)
* Intriguing.
** Who: Michael Morbius
** Source: ''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Sam_Raimi_films|Spider-Man]]'' [[Sam Raimi]] film series ===

* Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: &quot;With great power comes great responsibility.&quot; This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' (2002)

* Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
** Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' (2004)

* Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[Star Trek]]'' ===

* Thataway!
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979)

* Space, the final frontier. ...These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. ...Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new worlds, ...to seek out new lifeforms and new civilisations. ...To boldly go where no man has gone before.
** Who: Spock
** Source: ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1982)

* Yes.
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' (1984)

* Aye, sir!.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' (1986)

* Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream....
** Who: James T. Kirk, Spock &amp; Dr. McCoy
** Source: ''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' (1989)

* Captain's log, U.S.S. Enterprise, stardate 9529.1. This is the final cruise of the Starship Enterprise under my command. This ship and her history will shortly become the care of another crew. To them and their posterity will we commit our future. They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no man, where no one, ...has gone before.
** Who: Captain James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' (1991)

* Picard to Farragut: Two to beam up.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (1994)

* Make it so.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' (1996)

* Energise.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' (1998)

* ...going so right.
** Who: B-4 
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' (2002)

* Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Spock Prime
** Source: ''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009)

* Aye, Captain.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Into Darkness]]'' (2013)

* To boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Lieutenant Uhura
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Beyond]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Star Wars]]'' ===

* He'll be all right.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[Star Wars (film)|Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' (1977)

* Ow.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[The Empire Strikes Back|Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980)

* He's my brother.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Return of the Jedi|Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' (1983)

* Ya-hoo!
** Who: Jar-Jar Binks
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' (1999)

* Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen; Begun, the Clone War has.
** Who: Yoda
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' (2002)

* Oh, no.
** Who: C-3PO
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]'' (2005)

* May the Force be with you.
** Who: General Leia Organa-Solo
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens]]'' (2015)

* Hope.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Rogue One]]'' (2016)

* Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master.
** Who: Temiri Blagg
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi]]'' (2017)

* No, I'm telling ya, it's gonna be great. When have I ever steered you wrong?
** Who: Han Solo
** Source: '' [[Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]'' (2018)

* Rey Skywalker.
** Who: Rey
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Superman]]'' ===

* No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' (1978)

* Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman II]]'' (1980)

* Giorgio, per favore. Que grazie.
** Who: Pisa Vendor
** Source: ''[[Superman III]]'' (1983)

* No. It's the same as it's always been, Luthor. On the brink. With good fighting evil. See you in twenty.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' (1987)

* I'm always around. Good night, Lois.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman Returns]]'' (2006)

=== ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' film series ===

* I made a funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1990)

* I made another funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' (1991)

* Get down!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time]]'' (1993)

* I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2014)

* Normal...what fun is that?
** Who: Raphael
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Terminator (franchise)|Terminator]]'' ===

* I know.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[The Terminator]]'' (1984)

* The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' (1991)

* By the time SkyNet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers all across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms, everywhere. It was software, in cyberspace. There was no system core. It could not be shut down. The attack began at 6:18 P.M. just as he said it would. Judgment Day. The day the human race was nearly destroyed by the weapons they built to protect themselves. I should have realized our destiny was never to stop Judgment Day; it was merely to survive it. Together. The Terminator knew. He tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know. All I know is what the Terminator taught me. Never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]'' (2003)

* There is a storm on the horizon. A time of hardship and pain. The battle has been won, but the war against machines rages on. Skynet's global network remains strong, but we will not quit, until all of it is destroyed. This is John Connor. There is no fate but what we make.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator Salvation]]'' (2009)

* It was over. Skynet was gone. Now, one road has become many. Though questions remain, We'll search for the answers together. But, one thing we know for sure, The future is not set.
** Who: Kyle Reese
** Source: ''[[Terminator Genisys]]'' (2015)

* Then you need to be ready.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]'' (2019)

=== ''Top Gun'' film series ===

* I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far.
** Who: Lt. Pete &quot;Maverick&quot; Mitchell
** Source: ''[[Top Gun]]'' (1986)

=== ''[[X-Men]]'' film series ===

* And I will always be there, old friend.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]'' (2000)

* Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It is how we have evolved from a single-cell organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few millennia evolution leaps forward.
** Who: Jean Grey
** Source: ''[[X2: X-Men United]]'' (2003)

* Charles?
** Who: Moira MacTaggert
** Source: ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand]]'' (2006)

* Shhh.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* No. I'm drinking to remember.
** Who: Logan
** Source: ''[[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]'' (2009)
** Notes: Two alternate post-credits scenes were shown at different screenings. The last line alternates depending on which version was shown.

* I prefer... ''Magneto''.
** Who: Erik Lehnsherr
** Source: ''[[X-Men: First Class]]'' (2011)

* As I told you a long time ago, you're not the only with gifts.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[The Wolverine]]'' (2013)

* En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur.
** Who: Apocalypse's worshippers
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]'' (2014)

* I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* (post-credits:) You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. The sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, bionic arm, time-travel, we have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat-top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows, anyway big secret shhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around, it's a total dick move. Go.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]'' (2016)

* Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school, whatever your parents taught you, none of that matters! You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men!
** Who: Mystique
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Apocalypse]]'' (2016)

* &quot;There's no living with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley.&quot;
** Who: Laura
** Source: ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Laura is quoting ''[[w:Shane (film)|Shane]]'' as a eulogy for Logan.

* You're welcome, Canada.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool 2]]'' (2018)

* No, you won't.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''Dark Phoenix'' (2019)

* Inside every person there are two bears. One bear is all the good things, compassion, love trust. The other is all the bad things, fear, shame, self-destruction. I asked, “Which one wins?” He answered, ‘The one you feed.”
** Who: Danielle “Dani” Moonstar / Mirage
** Source: ''The New Mutants'' (2020)

[[Category:Last lines]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150567</id>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Live-action films */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="72889" xml:space="preserve">== Live-action films ==

* Christian.
** Who: Ana Steele
** Source: ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey (film)|50 Shades of Grey]]'' (2015)

*And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman!
**Who: Samantha &quot;Sam&quot; Montgomery
**Source: ''[[A Cinderella Story]]'' (2004)

* Will do.
** Who: Capt. Jack Ross
** Source: ''[[A Few Good Men]]'' (1992)

* Let's take a picture of the whole team. The original peaches! Hey, come on, come on. Okay.
** Who: Doris
* (in-credits:) Yesterday or tomorrow, that might be a ball but today, it was a strike!
** Who: Umpire
** Source: ''[[A League of Their Own]]'' (1992)

* Only because you got caught.
** Who: Jasmine
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (2019 film)|''Aladdin'' remake]]'' (2019)

* The mystic chords of memory, who swell and again touched as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
** Who: Danny Vinyard
** Source: ''[[American History X]]'' (1998)

* There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
** Who: Patrick Bateman
** Source: ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'' (2000)

* Hail to the King, Baby!
** Who: Ash Williams
** Source: ''[[Army of Darkness]]'' (1992)

* Our mission was called &quot;a successful failure,&quot; in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon. In the following months, it was determined that a damaged coil built inside the oxygen tank sparked during our cryo stir and caused the explosion that crippled the Odyssey. It was a minor defect that occured two years before I was even named the flight's commander. Fred Haise was going back to the moon on Apollo 18, but his mission was cancelled because of budget cuts; he never flew in space again. Nor did Jack Swigert, who left the astronaut corps and was elected to *Congress* from the state of Colorado. But he died of cancer before he was able to take office. Ken Mattingly orbited the moon as Command Module Pilot of Apollo 16, *and* flew the Space Shuttle, having never gotten the measles. Gene Kranz retired as Director of Flight Operations just not long ago. And many other members of Mission Control have gone on to other things, but some are still there. As for me, the seven extraordinary days of Apollo 13 were my last in space. I watched other men walk on the moon, and return safely, all from the confines of Mission Control and our house in Houston. I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be?
** Who: Jim Lovell
** Source: ''[[Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' (1995)

* Barney.
** Who: Baby Fig
** Source: ''[[Barney's Great Adventure]]'' (1998)

* Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. Hey, what is going on here? Hey, stop it, WHOA! Hey, This might be a good look for me.
** Who: Betelgeuse / &quot;Beetlejuice&quot;
** Source: ''[[Beetlejuice]] (1988)

* Yo, Little Mash, show me the &quot;Nutcracker&quot;.
** Who: The Masher
** Source: ''[[Big Fat Liar]]'' (2002)

* You know, I wouldn't bother...
** Who: Alan Wolf
* (in-credits:) And that, my darlings, is a wrap.
** Who: Kevin Shepherd
** Source: ''[[Bigger Fatter Liar]]'' (2017)

* You think he's horny? Come here.
** Who: Veronica Vaughn
** Source: ''[[Billy Madison]]'' (1995)

* Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No! No! [screaming] Help!
** Who: Mike Donnelly
** Source: ''[[Black Sheep (1996 film)|Black Sheep]]'' (1996)

* Give me peace.
** Who: Dracula
** Source: ''[[Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' (1992)

* Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
** Who: Brian Johnson
** Source: ''[[The Breakfast Club]]'' (1985)

* Yeah, sure you are.
** Who: Paramedic
** Source: ''[[The Cable Guy]]'' (1996)

* Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
** Who: Rick Blaine
** Source: ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' (1942)

* The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing? And that's that.
** Who: Samuel &quot;Sam / Ace&quot; Rothstein
** Source: ''[[Casino (film)|Casino]]'' (1995)

* It ain't over yet, boys!
** Who: Dr. James Harvey
** Source: ''[[Casper (film)|Casper]]'' (1995)

* Thank you.
** Who: Chuck Noland
** Source: ''[[Cast Away]]'' (2000)

* In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]'' (2005)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (in-credits:) Thank ya for noticing me.
** Who: Eeyore
** Source: ''[[Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]'' (2018)

* And so Kit and Ella were married. And I can tell you, as her fairy godmother, that they were counted to be the fairest and kindest rulers the kingdom had known. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be, if only you believe in courage, and kindness, and occasionally, just a little bit... of magic. 
** Who: Fairy Godmother
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|''Cinderella'' remake]]'' (2015)

* Throw that junk in too!
** Who: Raymond
** Source: ''[[Citizen Kane]]'' (1941)
** Notes: The credits show each actor saying their lines each from Joseph Cotten to George Coulouris, followed by the rest of the cast saving Orson Welles as the last one billed.

* Let's go home. Ah!
** Who: Mitch Robbins
** Source: ''[[City Slickers]]'' (1991)

* It's got friends.
** Who: Duke Washburn
** Source: ''[[City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold]] (1994)

* And, in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace and beauty and nobility of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (2006)

* I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
** Who: Kate Baker
** Source: ''[[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)|Cheaper by the Dozen]]'' (2003)

* Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
** Who: Walsh
** Source: ''[[Chinatown]]'' (1974)

* I got it!
** Who: Cher Horowitz
** Source: ''[[Clueless (film)|Clueless]]'' (1995)

* What is going on?! Don't you people have any respect?!
** Who: [[w:Kathryn Merteuil|Kathryn Merteuil]]
** Source: ''[[Cruel Intentions]]'' (1999)

* I'm everyone - and no one. Everywhere - nowhere. Call me...Darkman.
** Who: Darkman / Peyton Westlake
** Source: ''Darkman'' (1990)

* Sammy!
** Who: Jesse Barrett
** Source: ''[[Dark Skies]]'' (2013)

* Too late! That'll be mine!
** Who: Grinch
** Source: ''[[w:How the Grinch stole Christmas (film)|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas]]'' (2000)

* Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
** Who: The Cat in the Hat
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat]]'' (2003)

* Yeah, Dad.
** Who: Ben Hinton
** Source: ''[[Daddy Day Care]]'' (2003)

* Welcome to the Endangered Species list, you bastard.
** Who: Carol Brubaker
** Source: ''[[Dinoshark]]'' (2010)

* You looked wonderful out there.
** Who: Jake Houseman
** Source: ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'' (1987)

* Oh, no, not again.
** Who: The [[Eighth Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eighth Doctor|Doctor Who]]'' (1996)

* Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send. For I've only two words left and they are: The End.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Ella Enchanted]]'' (2006)

* I absolutely love Christmas.
** Who: Eloise
** Source: ''[[Eloise at Christmastime]]'' (2003)

* And so, they all lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Enchanted (2007 film)|Enchanted]]'' (2007)

* Bye.
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]]'' (1982)

* Hell, it's Saturday morning. Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon!
** Who: Mr. Hinchlow
** Source: ''[[Evil Toons]]'' (1992)

* You can't let fear keep you from caring about someone, because caring about someone is wonderful. A person you can think about, and they think about you, and you both know you're thinking about each other. And it's... It's fantastic to know that there's somebody out there in the world thinking about you.
** Who: Fat Albert
* (in-credits:) Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people. Why, look at that guy. Ooh, look at his-- Yeah, you can't tell me he doesn't need my help. Check out that lady over there. Do I detect tears? Eh, you in the back! Where are you goin'? It's not over! You gotta watch the end credits.
** Who: Fat Albert
** Source: ''[[Fat Albert (film)|Fat Albert]] (2004)

* You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.
** Who: Ferris Bueller
** Source: ''[[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]]'' (1986)

* You met me at a very strange time in my life.
** Who: The Narrator
** Source: ''[[Fight Club]]'' (1999)

* WILMAAAA!
** Who: Fred Flintstone
** Source: ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'' (1994)

* When we get to the hotel, I don't care what you say. I'm not sharing a room with him. Look at him, he's gross, he bounces all the time, he squeaks, he phase-shifts, I mean he's a Quasi-plasmoid. If it's hot in Hawaii, I hope he melts.
** Who: Webette
** Source: ''[[Flubber (film)|Flubber]]'' (1997)

* Of course; you're Dorothy Harris, and I'm Forrest Gump.
** Who: Forrest Gump Jr.
** Source: ''[[Forrest Gump]]'' (1994)

* No, no, no, really. It's easy for me. I'll just make a phone call. Make it easy for you.
** Who: Carmine Sabatini
** Source: ''The Freshman'' (1990)

*My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive, in one piece and short. I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.
**Who: Private Joker
**Source: ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' (1987)

* George just lucky, I guess.
** Who: George
* (in-credits:) Wait a moment! Wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know what happened to me?
** Who: Ape
* (post-credits:) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle.
** Who: Ape
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]'' (1997)

* George, Watch out for that...
** Who: Ursula
* (mid-credits:) Oh, man. Sorry!
** Who: Narrator
* (post-credits:) Well, It's very nice to meet you.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle 2]]'' (2003)

* Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say: Huh. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
** Who: Ed
** Source: ''[[Good Burger]]'' (1997)

* And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody...get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.
** Who: Henry Hill
** Source: ''[[Goodfellas]]'' (1990)

* Bye, Willy. Thanks.
** Who: Mikey
** Source: ''[[The Goonies]]'' (1985)

* A womp bam boom!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Grease (film)|Grease]]'' (1978)

* The certainest. Yeah, I like that. I'd love to kiss you again.
** Who: Michael Carrington
** Source: ''[[Grease 2]]'' (1982)

* It's beautiful! Let's live it here. ''[they kiss]'' We'll rent to start.
** Who: Phil Connors
** Source: ''[[Groundhog Day (film)|Groundhog Day]]'' (1993)

* Of course you can... My fair princess.
** Who: Lemuel Gulliver
** Source: ''[[Gulliver's Travels (2010 film)|Gulliver's Travels]]'' (2010)

* Not anymore.
** Who: Dr. Linda McKay
** Source: ''[[Hollow Man]]'' (2000)

* Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
** Who: Peter Banning
** Source: ''[[Hook (film)|Hook]] (1991)

* Bad kitty! Use the litter box!
** Who: Jonathan Barnavelt
** Source: ''[[The House with a Clock in Its Walls]]'' (2018)

* In our new home.
** Who: Old Murph
** Source: ''[[Interstellar]]'' (2014)

* See you, mom. Yeah, let's go. See you out of here. We made it.
** Who: Jack Powell
** Source: ''[[Jack (1996 film)|Jack]]'' (1996)

* This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend, anyway?
** Who: Fern Mayo / Vylette
** Source: ''[[Jawbreaker]]'' (1999)

* That's my dad! That's my dad!
** Who: Jamie Langston
* (post-credits:) What did you get ''me''?
** Who: Liz Langston
** Source: ''[[Jingle All the Way]]'' (1996)

* That's all, blokes!
** Who: Kangaroo Jack
** Source: ''[[Kangaroo Jack]]'' (2003)

* Thanks a lot! ''[whoops]'' Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it, we did it! All right! ''[whoops victoriously]''
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid]]'' (1984)

* Wrong.
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part II]]'' (1986)

* We did it! We did it!
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part III]]'' (1989)

* Oh no, It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]'' (1933)

* It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong]]'' (2005)

* I do, father.
** Who: Azula
** Source: ''[[The Last Airbender]]'' (2010)

* RICHIE...!!!
** Who: Bob Valenzuela
** Source: ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' (1987)

* Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down and important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
** Who: Lemony Snicket
** Source: ''[[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]]'' (2004)

* Nothing can stop the Claw!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
* (in-credits:) Oh no. They're on to me!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
** Source: ''[[Liar Liar]]'' (1997)

* Hey! How's it going?
** Who: Nadine
** Source: ''The Edge of Seventeen'' (2016)

* Science!
** Who: Lisa Loud 
** Source: ''[[A Loud House Christmas]]'' (2021)

* Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don't stay away too long.
** Who: Bert
** Source: ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' (1964)

* Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long, precisely having...
** Who: Matilda Wormwood
** Source: ''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' (1996)

* Play &quot;The Garden of Love&quot;.
** Who: Heidi the Hippo
** Source: ''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' (1989)

* Now, where was I?
** Who: Leonard Shelby
** Source: ''[[Memento]]'' (2000)

* Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. OK. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl and peanut butter and jelly for kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...
** Who: Ernie Smuntz
** Source: ''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' (1997)

* Damn, these things are fast! I'm okay! I'm okay!
** Who: Crazy Eyes
** Source: ''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' (2002)

* Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick.&quot; Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.
** Who: Mrs. Doubtfire
** Source: ''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' (1993)

* And I get to tend the rabbits...
** Who: Lennie Small
** Source: ''[[Of Mice and Men]]'' (1992)

* Roger, darling. I've got the most wonderful news.
** Who: Anita Dearly
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians (1996 film)|101 Dalmatians remake]]'' (1996)

* It's the only kind he knows.
** Who: Misha
** Source: ''[[Paulie]]'' (1998)

* I don't have to see it, Dottie. I ''lived'' it.
** Who: Pee-Wee Herman
** Source: ''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' (1985)

* And remember, you're supposed to be invisible!
** Who: Pete
** Source: ''[[Pete's Dragon (1977 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977)

* The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Picnic at Hanging Rock (film)|Picnic at Hanging Rock]]'' (1975)

* Hey, kids. Daddy's home.
** Who: Ludlow Lamonsoff
** Source: ''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015)

* You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.
** Who: John Cutter
** Source: [[The Prestige]] (2006)

* MIKE!!!
** Who: Heather Donahue
** Source: [[The Blair Witch Project]] (1999)

* Walking towards that stage, I felt like I was floating. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't really understand why I was getting a medal. It's not like blew up the Death Star. All I did was get through fifth grade, just like everyone else here.
* Congrats. Here, here you go...that's for you.
* Then again, maybe that’s kind of the point. Maybe the truth is, I’m really not so ordinary. Maybe if we knew what other people were thinking we’d know that no one’s ordinary, and we all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives. My friends do. My teachers do. My sister does for always being there for me. My dad does for always making us laugh. And my mom does the most, for never giving up, on anything. Especially, me. It’s like that last precept Mr. Browne gave us. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look.
** Who: August Pullman and Mr. Tushman
** Source: ''Wonder'' (2017)

* It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, &quot;Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly...&quot;
** Who: Norma Bates
** Source: ''[[Psycho]]'' (1960)

* FREEZE! Drop the fucking gun, buddy. Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop the gun man! Don't do it! Drop the fucking gun. We're gonna fucking blow you away!
** Who: Police officers
** Source: ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (1992)

* What was that?
** Who: Malcolm Reynolds
** Source: ''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' (2005)

* Hell of a day.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado]]'' (2013)

* I love New York.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado 2: The Second One]]'' (2014)

* So in the end, my girlfriend became my arch enemy, my arch enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my girlfriend. But, hey, that's high school.
** Who: Will Stronghold
** Source: ''[[Sky High (2005 film)|Sky High]]'' (2005)

* I hope we don't hit an iceberg.
** Who: Slamfist
** Source: ''[[Small Soldiers]]'' (1998)

* Oh no, you don't. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me. Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks. Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog
* (pre-credits:) My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start. Do some Rockconnaissance. Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious. What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas. Rockconnaissance! [cackles maniacally] Come on, cheer up!
** Who: Dr. Robotnik / Dr. Eggman
* (mid-credits:) If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late.
** Who: Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2020)

* Can't forget this.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog 
* (mid-credits:) My god... Project Shadow.
** Who: G.U.N. Commander Walters
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]'' (2022)

* All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
** Who: Norma Desmond
** Source: ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' (1950)

* I believe.
** Who: Mario
* (post-credits:) The Super Koopa Cousins!
** Who: Spike and Iggy Koopa
** Source: ''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' (1993)

* You were marvelous...and I never want to see any of you again. I might as well...they're the last roses I'll ever see. Vous!
** Who: Carroll &quot;Toddy&quot; Todd
** Source: ''[[Victor / Victoria]]'' (1982)

* Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm.
** Who: Dot Matrix
** Source: ''[[Spaceballs]]'' (1987)

* Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.
** Who: Thomas &quot;Tommy&quot; Callahan III
** Source: ''[[Tommy Boy]]'' (1995)

* You know what? I think we've seen enough. [kisses Bill]
** Who: Jo Harding
** Source: ''[[Twister]]'' (1996)

* And so we've come to the happy end of our story. But it's time for all of us to go home... just like Thomas.
** Who: Mr. Conductor
** Source: ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000)

* After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he's gone.
** Who: Roger &quot;Verbal&quot; Kint, AKA Keyser Söze
** Source: ''[[The Usual Suspects]]'' (1995)

* Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so.
** Who: K.W.
** Source: ''[[Where the Wild Things Are|Where The Wild Things Are]]'' (2009)

* Okay, m-m-m-m-m-move along. Th-th-there's nothing else to see. Th-that's all, folks! Hmm. I like the sound of that. Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)

* He lived happily ever after.
** Who: Willy Wonka
** Source: ''[[Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1971)

* Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home.
** Who: Dorothy Gale
** Source: ''[[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]]'' (1939)

* Okay. You can go.
** Who: VJ Emmie
** Source: ''[[w:Who Killed Captain Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]'' (2010, 2015 re-release)

* You still got your Izod?
** Who: Griffin Keyes
** Source: ''[[Zookeeper (film)|Zookeeper]]'' (2011)

=== ''Alien'' film series ===

* Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas - are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off. [to Jonesy] Come on, cat.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' (1979)

* I-ffirmative.
** Who: Rebecca &quot;Newt&quot; Jorden
** Source: ''[[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'' (1986)

* Ash, Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien 3|Alien 3]]'' (1992)

* I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien: Resurrection]]'' (1997)

* Final report of the vessel Prometheus. The ship and her entire crew are gone. If you're receiving this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is New Year's Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elisabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I am still searching.
** Who: Elizabeth Shaw
** Source: ''[[Prometheus (2012 film)|Prometheus]]'' (2012)

* This is colony ship Covenant, reporting. All crew members apart from Daniels and Tennessee tragically perished in a solar flare incident. All colonists in hypersleep remain intact and undisturbed. On course for Origae-6. Hopefully this transmission will reach the network, and be relayed in 1.36 years. This is Walter, signing off. Security code, 31564-F.
** Who: Walter One
** Source: ''Alien: Covenant'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Marc_Webb_films|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' film series ===

* You should leave him alone!
** Who: Dr. Curt Connors
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man (2012 film)|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' (2012)

* There's no place like home.
** Who: Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' film series ===

* OKAY!!!
** Who: Alvin
* (post-credits:) Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' (2007)

* Okay! this one's for Dave.
** Who: Alvin Seville
* (mid-credits:) ALVIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits 2:) Good start, gentlemen. Only 10 more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it.
** Who: Dr. Rubin
* (post-credits:) All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out. Is this necessary? Come on. Is that necessary? Is that... At least let me go back and get my purse.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009)

* Thank you!
** Who: Alvin Seville 
* (mid-credits:) AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!!!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011)

* AAAALLLLVIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits:) Oh, come on! Come on. What are you gonna do, carry me out? Really? Okay, you are gonna carry me out. Okay! Okay, this is fine! I've been looking to relax all day! I'm like Cleopatra! Floating away! I'm gonna chillax!
** Who: Agent James Suggs
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015)

=== ''Austin Powers'' film series ===

* I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah!
** Who: Austin Powers
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery]]'' (1997)

* Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me, it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm gonna get you Austin Powers, I'm gonna get you. [laughs evilly]
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) Paging Dr. Freud.
** Who: Past Austin Powers
* (post-credits:) Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing! [screams and falls to the ground]
** Who: Mustafa
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me]]'' (1999)

* I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly and dances like Michael Jackson]
** Who: Dr. Scott Evil
* (mid-credits:) Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach
** Who: Austin Powers (echo)
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers in Goldmember]]'' (2002)

=== ''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]'' film series ===

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
** Source: ''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]'' (1995)

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
* (post-credits:) Thank you for staying until the end. Bye-bye.
** Who: Mouse
** Source: ''[[Babe: Pig in the City]]'' (1998)

=== ''[[Batman]]'' films ===

* Our job is finished.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman (1966 film)|Batman: The Movie]]'' (1966)

* I'm not a bit surprised.
** Who: Vicki Vale
** Source: ''[[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' (1989)

* Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men and women.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman Returns]]'' (1992)

* Don't work too late.
** Who: Chase Meridian
** Source: ''[[Batman Forever]]'' (1995)

* We're going to need a bigger cave.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman and Robin (1997 film)|Batman &amp; Robin]]'' (1997)

* And you'll never have to.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (2005)

* Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.
** Who: Commissioner James Gordon
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' (2008)

* Si, Fernet Branca, per cortesia.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]'' (2012)

=== ''[[Back to the Future]]'' trilogy ===

* Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future]]'' (1985)

* Doc! Doc? Doc? Oh, fantastic.
** Who: Marty McFly
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part II]]'' (1989)

* Nope. Already been there.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part III]]'' (1990)

=== ''Bill &amp; Ted'' film series ===

* They do get better.
** Who: Rufus
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]]'' (1989)

* Very good, very good.
** Who: British husband
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Bogus Journey]]'' (1991)

* And so, it wasn't so much the song that made a difference. It was everyone playing together...and it worked.
** Who: Wilhelmina &quot;Billie&quot; Logan
* (post-credits): Nurse!
** Who: Elder Ted &quot;Theodore&quot; Logan
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted: Face The Music]]'' (2020)

=== DC Extended Universe ===

* Of all the Lanterns who have ever worn the ring, there was one whose light shined brightest. At first his humanity was thought to be a weakness, and yet it proved to be his greatest strength.
** Who: Tomar-Re
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' (2011)

* Glad to be here, Lois.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' (2013)

* Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bells are ringing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' (2016)

* You should shut it down, or my friends and I will do it for you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' (2016)

* I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind; but then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learnt that inside every one of them there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves — something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know... that only love can truly save the world. So now I stay, I fight, and I give — for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever.
** Who: Wonder Woman
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2017 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2017)

* No, I have too much to live for and more important things to do. We have to level the playing field, Mr. Wilson. To put it plainly, shouldn't we have a league of our own?
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Justice League (film)|Justice League]]'' (2017)

* Sure. But first, you gotta tell me how to find him.
** Who: David Kane / Black Manta
** Source: ''[[Aquaman (film)|Aquaman]]'' (2018)

* Uh... well, that's not THAT cool.
** Who: Billy Batson / Shazam
** Source: ''[[Shazam! (film)|Shazam!]]'' (2019)

* Are you dummies still sitting there? Fine! Since you stuck it out this long, I'll tell you a super-duper secret secret, which you can't tell anyone! Okay. Did you know that Batman f...
** Who: Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn
** Source: ''[[Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)]]'' (2020)

* Just to save the fucking world, that’s all.
** Who: Emilia Harcourt
** Source: ''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|The Suicide Squad]]'' (2021)

=== ''Dennis the Menace'' film series ===

* Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid!
** Who: Andrea
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace'' (1993)

* He's a menace!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace: Strikes Again'' (1998)

* Dennis!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''A Dennis the Menace Christmas'' (2007)

=== Disney Channel Original Movies ===

* Let's kick it!
** Who: Dee La Duke
* (extended ending:) And...go.
** Who: Mitchie Torres
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock]]'' (2008)

* I'm sure we can work something out.
** Who: Brown Cesario
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam]]'' (2010)

* Santa?
** Who: Rowena Clyborn
** Source: ''Christmas...Again?!'' (2021)

* Oh... (laughs) I was having so much fun, I almost forgot. You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Mal
** Source: ''[[Descendants (2015 film)|Descentants]]'' (2015)

* What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Uma
** Source: ''[[Descendants 2]]'' (2017)

* Hey, last one over the bridge...
* ...Is a ROTTEN APPLE!!!
** Who 1: Carlos
** Who 2: The VKs
** Source: ''[[Descendants 3]]'' (2019)

* Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! Whoo!
** Who: Troy Bolten
* (post-credits:) I might even make you a creme brulee.
** Who: Zeke Baylor
** Source: ''[[High School Musical]]'' (2006)

* No. Here's to right now.
** Who: Troy Bolten
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 2]]'' (2007)

* ''[singing]'' All together makes it better! Memories that last forever! I want the rest of my life to feel just like a...High School Musical!
** Who: Troy Bolten, Gabrielle Montez, Ryan Evans, Sharpay Evans, Chad Danforth, and Taylor McKessie
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 3: Senior Year]]'' (2008)

* So, things went back to normal. Or, at least as normal as the life of a high school crime fighter can be. It took some time and a mega amount of coding, but we stabilized Athena, flushed out Drakken's evil programming, and saved the good in her. Together, we formed a martial arts club, and now everyone at Middleton High wants to join. Well, almost everyone. And as for me, learning to be a better friend... Made me a better hero.
** Who: Kim Possible
* (in-credits:) Okay. My new evil master plan to take down Kim Possible will be my tightest yet!
** Who: Young Dr. Drakken
** Source: ''Kim Possible'' (2019)

* I just hope our new guitar player can keep up.
** Who: Olivia White
** Source: ''[[Lemonade Mouth (film)|Lemonade Mouth]]'' (2011)

* Sing!
** Who: Brady
** Source: ''[[w:Teen Beach Movie|Teen Beach Movie]]'' (2013)

* I'm Mack.
** Who: McKenzie / Mack
** Souce: ''[[w:Teen Beach 2|Teen Beach 2]]'' (2015)

* Pretty soon, everyone forgot about the Sage way. That's the old way. The new way is to let kids be themselves. After all, everybody has their something. And letting everybody be the most of their something they can be? That's the ''real'' magic.
** Who: Nori Boxwood-Horace
** Source: ''Upside-Down Magic'' (2020)

* Zander, this is Puppy.
** Who: Zoey
** Source: ''[[Zombies (2018 film)|Zombies]]'' (2018)

* Weird...
** Who: Addison Wells
** Source: ''[[Zombies 2|Zombies 2]]'' (2020)

=== ''Ghostbusters'' series ===

* I love this town! Ha ha!
** Who: Winston Zeddmore
* (in-credits:) I wanna go with them, in their car.
** Who: Louis Tully
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1984)

* No, I believe it's one of the Fettuccinis.
** Who: Peter Venkman
* (in-credits:) Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' (1989)

=== ''Goosebumps'' film series ===

* You forgot about me.
** Who: Invisible Boy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps (film)|Goosebumps]]'' (2015)

* You try living in a book for a while, Papa.
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
* (in-credits:) Hiya! Look at my candle.
** Who: Pumpkin
* (post-credits:) Slappy Halloween. [cackles]
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween]]'' (2018)

=== ''Hannibal Lecter'' series ===

* Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter?
** Who: Clarice Starling
** Source: ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991)

=== ''[[Harry Potter]]'' series ===

* I'm not going home. Not really.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)|Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'' (2001)

* Proud? They'll be furious!
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]'' (2002)

* This came with it.
** Who 1: Hermione Granger
* How fast does it go, Harry?
** Who 2: Random Gryffindor Student
* Mischief managed. Nox.
** Who 3: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]'' (2004)

* Yeah. Every week.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)|Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire]]'' (2005)

* Something worth fighting for.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (film)|Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix]]'' (2007)

* I never realized how beautiful this place was.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]]'' (2009)

* I want to bury him. Properly, without magic.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]'' (2010)

* Ready.
** Who: Albus Severus Potter
* Bye!
** Who: Random Hogwarts Student on the train
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]'' (2011)

* So yeah. It was...very...it was a very good ten years.
** Who: Daniel Radcliffe
* After all this time?
* Always.
** Who: Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore (Archival footage)
** Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022)

=== ''[[Home Alone]]'' series ===

* Kevin! What did you do to my room?!
** Who: Buzz McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone]]'' (1990)

* KEVIN! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!!
** Who: Peter McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (1992)

=== ''Independence Day'' films ===

* Yeah.
** Who: Dylan Dubrow-Hiller
** Source: ''[[Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day]]'' (1996)

* Time to kick some serious alien ass.
** Who: Dr. Brakish Okun
** Source: ''[[Independence Day: Resurgence]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Indiana Jones]]'' series ===

* Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. You know, a drink?
** Who: Marion Ravenwood
** Source: ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (1981)

* Uh-oh!
** Who: Short Round
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]'' (1984)

* Yes, sir.
** Who: Indiana Jones
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (1989)

* Thanks, Ox.
** Who: Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' (2008)

=== ''Inspector Gadget'' films ===

* A happy ending. What could be better than true love? Ooh, cute little bug. Wait up, fraulein. Did you know I speak German? Fahrvergnugen, baby.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (mid-credits:) All these fine people made me look good.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (post-credits:) Good night, Riverton!
** Who: Gadgetmobile
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget (film)|Inspector Gadget]]'' (1999)

* GADGET!!
** Who: Chief Quimby and Mayor Wilson
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget 2]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[James Bond]]'' films ===

* Throw us your line.
** Who: Felix Leiter
** Source: ''[[Dr. No]]'' (1962)

* I'll show you.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[From Russia With Love]]'' (1963)

* Oh, no, you don't. This is not time to be rescued.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Goldfinger]]'' (1964)

* Get down!
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Thunderball]]'' (1965)

* It will be a pleasure sir.
** Who: Miss Moneypenny
** Source: ''[[You Only Live Twice]]'' (1967)

* Four, three, two.
** Who: Jimmy Bond
** Source: ''Casino Royale'' (1967)

* It's no hurry, really. All the time in the world.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' (1969)

* James, how do we get those diamonds down again?
** Who: Tiffany Case
** Source: ''[[Diamonds Are Forever]]'' (1971)

* Just being disarming, darling.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Live and Let Die]]'' (1973)

* Goodnight, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun]]'' (1974)

* Keeping the British end up, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' (1977)

* Why not?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Moonraker]]'' (1979)

* Bond, Bond, Bond!
** Who: Sir Frederick Gray
** Source: ''[[For Your Eyes Only]]'' (1981)

* James.
** Who: Octopussy
** Source: ''[[Octopussy]]'' (1983)

* Never?
** Who: Domino Petachi
** Source: ''[[Never Say Never Again]]'' (1983)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Stacey Stutton
** Source: ''[[A View to a Kill]]'' (1985)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Kara Milovy
** Source: ''[[The Living Daylights]]'' (1987)

* So, why don't you ask me.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Licence to Kill]]'' (1989)

* Darling, what could possibly go wrong, okay?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[GoldenEye]]'' (1995)

* Let's stay undercover.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' (1997)

* I thought Christmas only comes once a year.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'' (1999)

* Especially, when your bad.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (2002)

* The names Bond. James Bond.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Casino Royale (2006 film)|Casino Royale]]'' (2006)

* I never left.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' (2008)

* With pleasure, M. With pleasure.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Skyfall]]'' (2012)

* There's just one thing I need.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Spectre (2015 film)|Spectre]]'' (2015)

* I'm going to tell you a story...about a man. His name is Bond, James Bond.
** Who: Madeleine Swann
** Source: ''[[No Time To Die]]'' (2021)

=== ''Jaws'' series ===

* I can't imagine why.
** Who: Matt Hooper
** Source: ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' (1975)

* Sure they did.
** Who: Brody
** Source: ''[[Jaws 2]]'' (1978)

* All right!
** Who: Mike
** Source: ''[[Jaws 3-D]]'' (1983)

* There they were, all hundred of them!
** Who: Hoagie
** Source: ''[[Jaws: The Revenge]]'' (1987)

=== ''Jumanji'' series ===

* What's that noise?
** Who: Emilie Reynaud
** Source: ''[[Jumanji]]'' (1995)

* Smoldering.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle]]'' (2017)

* I don't know if we already agreed on that.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: The Next Level]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' series ===

* Come on.
** Who: Dr. Alan Grant
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' (1993)

* It is absolutely imperative that we work with the Costa Rican Department of Biological Preserves to establish a set of rules for the preservation and isolation of that island. These creatures require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we could only step aside and trust in nature, life will find a way.
** Who: John Hammond
** Source: ''[[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]]'' (1997)

* Let's go home.
** Who: Paul Kirby
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park III]]'' (2001)

* Probably stick together, for survival.
** Who: Owen Grady
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World]]'' (2015)

* Welcome to Jurassic World.
** Who: Ian Malcolm
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]]'' (2018)

=== Marvel Cinematic Universe ===

* I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Iron Man (2008 film)|Iron Man]]'' (2008)

* Who's &quot;we&quot;?
** Who: General Thunderbolt Ross
** Source: ''[[The Incredible Hulk (film)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' (2008)

* Sir, we found it.
** Who: Agent Phil Coulson
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 2]]'' (2010)

* Well, I guess that's worth a look.
** Who: Loki, via Erik Selvig
** Source: ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (2011)

* Yeah. Yeah, I just... I had a date.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The First Avenger]]'' (2011)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''The Avengers'', and thus not truly end the film.

* To challenge them... is to court... death.
** Who: The Other
** Source: ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'' (2012)

* I'm 14-years-old, and I still had a nanny. That was weird.
** Who: Tony Stark
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' (2013)

* One down, five to go.
** Who: The Collector
** Source: ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' (2013)

* There is nothing more horrifying... than a miracle.
** Who: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'' (2014)

* What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. Yeah! But it burns going down.
** Who: Howard the Duck
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' (2014)

* Fine, I'll do it myself.
** Who: Thanos
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (2015)

* It's about damn time.
** Who: Hope van Dyne
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man (film)|Ant-Man]]'' (2015)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Captain America: Civil War'', and thus not truly end the film.

* Hey, can you shut the door?
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' (2016)

* Because I see at long last what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers.
** Who: Karl Mordo
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' (2016)

* Hey, fellas! Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get out of here? Hey! Oh, gee, I've got so many more stories to tell! Oh, guys! Oh, gee!
** Who: The Watcher Informant
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'' (2017)

* Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... How many more of these?
** Who: Steve Rogers / Captain America
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Post-credit scene is a PSA recording of Captain America.

* I just, I gotta say. I'm proud of you all. This revolution has been a huge success. Yay us! Pat-pat on the back. Pat on the back. Come on. No? Me too. 'Cause I've been a big part of it. Can't have a revolution without somebody to overthrow! So, ah, you're welcome. And, uh, it's a tie.
** Who: The Grandmaster
** Source: ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (2017)

* Come, we have much to learn.
** Who: Shuri
** Source: ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (2018)

* Oh, no. Motherf...
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'' (2018)

* Hello? Ha-ha, very funny. Hank, quit screwing around. You told me yourself, not screw around. Hank? Hope? Janet? Guys... Guys? Be seriously, don't joke around! Bring me up, let's go! GUYS!
** Who: Scott Lang / Ant-Man
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp]]'' (2018)

* Where's Fury?
** Who: Captain Marvel
** Source: ''[[Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]'' (2019)

* No. No, I don't think I will.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' (2019)

* Who's got my shoes?
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Far From Home]]'' (2019)

* Oh yeah. You and me both. Believe me... you're gonna earn it. I've got your next target. Thought I'd hand-deliver it. Maybe you'd like a shot at the man responsible for your sister's death. Kind of a cutie, don't you think?
** Who: Valentina Allegra de Fontaine
** Source: ''[[Black Widow (2021 film)|Black Widow]]'' (2021)

* Let's get started. We have a lot of work to do.
** Who: Xialing
** Source: ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' (2021)

* Sure you’re ready for that, Mr. Whitman?
** Who: Mysterious Man
** Source: ''[[Eternals (film)|Eternals]]'' (2021)
** Note: The unseen man is identified off-screen as Eric Brooks / Blade.

* And there he goes. Without paying the bills, no tips, nothing.
** Who: Bartender
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' (2021)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness'', and thus not truly end the film.

* (laughs maniacally) It's over!
** Who: Pizza Poppa vendor (Bruce Campbell)
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness]]'' (2022)

=== ''The Mask'' film series ===

* SSSMOKIN'!
** Who: Stanley Ipkiss
** Source: ''[[The Mask (film)|The Mask]]'' (1994)

* What do you think about that Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound?
** Who: Tim Avery
** Source: ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' ===

* I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
** Who: Neo / Thomas A. Anderson
** Source: ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999)

* Only one.
** Who: Roland
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (2003)

* Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed.
** Who: The Oracle
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (2003)

* Another chance.
** Who: Trinity
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Resurrections]]'' (2021)

=== ''Middle-Earth'' film series ===

* I'm glad you're with me.
** Who: Frodo Baggins
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (2001)

* Follow me.
** Who: Gollum
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* Well, I'm back.
** Who: Samwise Gamgee
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]]'' (2003)

* You're right. I do believe the worst is behind us.
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey]]'' (2012)

* What have we done?
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug]]'' (2013)

* Welcome, welcome...
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies]]'' (2014)

=== ''Men in Black'' film series ===

* Not much of a disguise.
** Who: Agent L
** Source: ''[[Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]'' (1997)

* Whoa.
** Who: Frank the Pug
** Source: ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002)

* That was a close one.
** Who: Griffin
** Source: ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012)

* Yeah, got it. I'm gonna trust my gut.
** Who: Agent M
** Source: ''[[Men in Black: International]]'' (2019)

=== ''MonsterVerse'' ===

* Sweetie!
** Who: Elle Brody
** Source: ''[[Godzilla (2014 film)|Godzilla]]'' (2014)

* This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is, how long before they take it back. Kong is not the only king.
** Who: Houston Brooks
** Source: ''[[Kong: Skull Island]]'' (2017)

=== ''National Treasure'' ===

* You'll figure it out.
** Who: Abigail Chase
** Source: ''[[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]]'' (2004)

* I love this car.
** Who: Riley Poole
** Source: ''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets|National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' (2007)

=== ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' ===

* Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!
** who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' (2003)

* So, tell me, what's become of my ship?
** who: Captain Hector Barbossa
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' (2006)

* Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me...
** who: Henry Turner
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' (2007)

* Savvy?
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' (2011)

* I have a rendezvous beyond my... Beloved horizon.
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** Source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Planet of the Apes]]'' ===

* You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
** Who: Captain George Taylor
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968)

* In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.
** Who: Ending Voiceover
** Source: ''[[Beneath the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1970)

* Mama? Mama? Mama?
** Who: Milo
** Source: ''[[Escape from the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1971)

* But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Conquest of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1972)

* Perhaps only the dead.
** Who: The Lawgiver
** Source: ''[[Battle for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1973)

* Keep your hands up!
** Who: Police Ape 3
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001)

* Okay. Caesar is home. Go.
** Who: Will Rodman
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2011)

* I did, too.
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Dawn of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2014)

* Caesar.
** Who: Maurice
** Source: ''[[War for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Power Rangers]]'' film series ===

* Wha-hoo, Yeah.
** Who: Fred Kelman
* (mid-credits:) Uh-oh!
** Who: Goldar and Mordant
** Source: ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* Yeah, Woo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
* (mid-credits:) Shift into Turbo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
** Source: ''[[Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie]]'' (1997)

* This Ranger team did what my team could not. You will humbly walk amongst your peers, but heroes you all will be. Each of your names will be etched alongside the great Ranger teams before you. I will always owe a debt of gratitude to you all.
** Who: Zordon
* (mid-credits:) It might've been my fault, It might've been my fault, I'm so sorry.
** Who: Billy Cranston
** Source: ''[[Power Rangers (2017 film)|Power Rangers]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[RoboCop]]'' ===

* Murphy.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop]]'' (1987)

* Patience, Lewis. We're only human.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' (1990)

* My friends call me Murphy. You can call me... RoboCop!
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[Robocop 3]]'' (1993)

=== ''Scooby-Doo'' live action movies ===

* Looking for clues and kicking butt.
** Who: Velma Dinkley
* (in-credits:) One, two, three!
** Who: Scooby-Doo and Shaggy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002)

* Scooby-dooby-doo!
** Who: Scooby-Doo
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' ===

* That is 278 incredible, colossal credits! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love motion pictures! Wonderful! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
** Who: [[w:Count von Count|Count von Count]]
** Source: ''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' (1985)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: [[w:Ernie (Sesame Street)|Ernie]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland]]'' (1999)

=== ''The Santa Clause'' film series ===

* Santa!
** Who: Laura Miller
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause]]'' (1994)

* They're all in a straight line, Chet. Chet! CHET!!
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 2]]'' (2002)

* That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus.
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Smurfs in film|The Smurfs]]'' film series ===

* Smurfs. Smurfs! I wish I could quit you. Get out of here. What are you looking at?
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'' (2011)
** Note: He was stuck in New York City powerless and while the Smurfs went back to Smurf Village with victory and no Gargamel to bother him.

* How dare you call me that? I have bungled nothing! Well, Paris is over, my friend. We're back here in the Dark Ages. I suggest you get used to it. Aw, you want room service? Why don't you yell out the window? Don't you show your claws to me unless you are prepared to use them, Mr Pussy Foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Stop it! Not the face! Not the face!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'' (2013)
** Note: At the end when Gargamel blasts off into the air, he and Azrael gets sent back to the castle. They get into a fight and Azrael then attacks Gargamel with his claws.

=== ''Sony's Spider-Man Universe'' films ===

* When I get out of here - and I will - there's gonna be ''carnage''.
** Who: Cletus Kasady
** Source: ''[[Venom (film)|Venom]]'' (2018)
** Note: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse'', and thus not truly end the film.
* (''Roomer: &quot;Dude, what are you doing in my room?&quot;'') Uh... I...
** Who: Eddie Brock
** Source: ''[[Venom: Let There Be Carnage]]'' (2021)
* Intriguing.
** Who: Michael Morbius
** Source: ''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Sam_Raimi_films|Spider-Man]]'' [[Sam Raimi]] film series ===

* Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: &quot;With great power comes great responsibility.&quot; This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' (2002)

* Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
** Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' (2004)

* Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[Star Trek]]'' ===

* Thataway!
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979)

* Space, the final frontier. ...These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. ...Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new worlds, ...to seek out new lifeforms and new civilisations. ...To boldly go where no man has gone before.
** Who: Spock
** Source: ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1982)

* Yes.
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' (1984)

* Aye, sir!.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' (1986)

* Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream....
** Who: James T. Kirk, Spock &amp; Dr. McCoy
** Source: ''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' (1989)

* Captain's log, U.S.S. Enterprise, stardate 9529.1. This is the final cruise of the Starship Enterprise under my command. This ship and her history will shortly become the care of another crew. To them and their posterity will we commit our future. They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no man, where no one, ...has gone before.
** Who: Captain James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' (1991)

* Picard to Farragut: Two to beam up.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (1994)

* Make it so.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' (1996)

* Energise.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' (1998)

* ...going so right.
** Who: B-4 
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' (2002)

* Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Spock Prime
** Source: ''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009)

* Aye, Captain.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Into Darkness]]'' (2013)

* To boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Lieutenant Uhura
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Beyond]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Star Wars]]'' ===

* He'll be all right.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[Star Wars (film)|Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' (1977)

* Ow.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[The Empire Strikes Back|Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980)

* He's my brother.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Return of the Jedi|Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' (1983)

* Ya-hoo!
** Who: Jar-Jar Binks
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' (1999)

* Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen; Begun, the Clone War has.
** Who: Yoda
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' (2002)

* Oh, no.
** Who: C-3PO
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]'' (2005)

* May the Force be with you.
** Who: General Leia Organa-Solo
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens]]'' (2015)

* Hope.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Rogue One]]'' (2016)

* Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master.
** Who: Temiri Blagg
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi]]'' (2017)

* No, I'm telling ya, it's gonna be great. When have I ever steered you wrong?
** Who: Han Solo
** Source: '' [[Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]'' (2018)

* Rey Skywalker.
** Who: Rey
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Superman]]'' ===

* No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' (1978)

* Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman II]]'' (1980)

* Giorgio, per favore. Que grazie.
** Who: Pisa Vendor
** Source: ''[[Superman III]]'' (1983)

* No. It's the same as it's always been, Luthor. On the brink. With good fighting evil. See you in twenty.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' (1987)

* I'm always around. Good night, Lois.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman Returns]]'' (2006)

=== ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' film series ===

* I made a funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1990)

* I made another funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' (1991)

* Get down!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time]]'' (1993)

* I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2014)

* Normal...what fun is that?
** Who: Raphael
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Terminator (franchise)|Terminator]]'' ===

* I know.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[The Terminator]]'' (1984)

* The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' (1991)

* By the time SkyNet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers all across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms, everywhere. It was software, in cyberspace. There was no system core. It could not be shut down. The attack began at 6:18 P.M. just as he said it would. Judgment Day. The day the human race was nearly destroyed by the weapons they built to protect themselves. I should have realized our destiny was never to stop Judgment Day; it was merely to survive it. Together. The Terminator knew. He tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know. All I know is what the Terminator taught me. Never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]'' (2003)

* There is a storm on the horizon. A time of hardship and pain. The battle has been won, but the war against machines rages on. Skynet's global network remains strong, but we will not quit, until all of it is destroyed. This is John Connor. There is no fate but what we make.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator Salvation]]'' (2009)

* It was over. Skynet was gone. Now, one road has become many. Though questions remain, We'll search for the answers together. But, one thing we know for sure, The future is not set.
** Who: Kyle Reese
** Source: ''[[Terminator Genisys]]'' (2015)

* Then you need to be ready.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]'' (2019)

=== ''Top Gun'' film series ===

* I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far.
** Who: Lt. Pete &quot;Maverick&quot; Mitchell
** Source: ''[[Top Gun]]'' (1986)

=== ''[[X-Men]]'' film series ===

* And I will always be there, old friend.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]'' (2000)

* Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It is how we have evolved from a single-cell organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few millennia evolution leaps forward.
** Who: Jean Grey
** Source: ''[[X2: X-Men United]]'' (2003)

* Charles?
** Who: Moira MacTaggert
** Source: ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand]]'' (2006)

* Shhh.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* No. I'm drinking to remember.
** Who: Logan
** Source: ''[[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]'' (2009)
** Notes: Two alternate post-credits scenes were shown at different screenings. The last line alternates depending on which version was shown.

* I prefer... ''Magneto''.
** Who: Erik Lehnsherr
** Source: ''[[X-Men: First Class]]'' (2011)

* As I told you a long time ago, you're not the only with gifts.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[The Wolverine]]'' (2013)

* En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur.
** Who: Apocalypse's worshippers
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]'' (2014)

* I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* (post-credits:) You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. The sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, bionic arm, time-travel, we have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat-top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows, anyway big secret shhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around, it's a total dick move. Go.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]'' (2016)

* Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school, whatever your parents taught you, none of that matters! You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men!
** Who: Mystique
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Apocalypse]]'' (2016)

* &quot;There's no living with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley.&quot;
** Who: Laura
** Source: ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Laura is quoting ''[[w:Shane (film)|Shane]]'' as a eulogy for Logan.

* You're welcome, Canada.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool 2]]'' (2018)

* No, you won't.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''Dark Phoenix'' (2019)

* Inside every person there are two bears. One bear is all the good things, compassion, love trust. The other is all the bad things, fear, shame, self-destruction. I asked, “Which one wins?” He answered, ‘The one you feed.”
** Who: Danielle “Dani” Moonstar / Mirage
** Source: ''The New Mutants'' (2020)

[[Category:Last lines]]</text>
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    <title>NATO</title>
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[[File:NATO OTAN landscape logo.svg|thumb|NATO promotes democratic values and enables members to consult and cooperate on defence and security-related issues to solve problems, build trust and, in the long run, prevent conflict. ~[https://www.nato.int/nato-welcome/index.html NATO] ]]
'''[[w:The North Atlantic Treaty Organization|The North Atlantic Treaty Organization]] (NATO)''' also called the North Atlantic Alliance, is an intergovernmental military alliance among 28 European countries and 2 North American countries. Established in the aftermath of World War II, the organization implements the [[w:North Atlantic Treaty|North Atlantic Treaty]] (1949), established in response to the threat posed by the [[Soviet Union]]. The alliance has remained in place since the end of the [[Cold War]], and has been involved in military operations in the Balkans, the Middle East, South Asia, and Africa. The combined military spending of all NATO members in 2020 constituted over 57 per cent of the global nominal total. Members agreed that their aim is to reach or maintain the target defence spending of at least 2 per cent of their GDP by 2024.
==Quotes==
===Excerpt from NATO's home page===
*The North Atlantic Treaty Organization is one of the world’s major international institutions. It is a political and military alliance that brings together 29 member countries from Europe and North America. These countries meet to cooperate in the field of security and defence. In this respect, NATO provides a unique link between these two continents for political and security cooperation.&lt;BR&gt;As the nature of threats changes, so must the methods of preserving peace. NATO is reorienting its defence capabilities towards today’s threats. It is adapting forces and developing multinational approaches to deal with terrorism, failed states and other security threats such as weapons of mass destruction.
**NATO, [https://www.nato.int/nato_static_fl2014/assets/pdf/pdf_publications/20190218_190218-WhatIsNATO_en.pdf  What is NATO?]

*Each member country has a permanent delegation at NATO’s political headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. It is headed by an ambassador, who represents his/her government in the Alliance’s consultation and decision-making process. The North Atlantic Council is the most important political decision-making body within the Organization. It meets at different levels and is chaired by the Secretary General of NATO, who helps members reach agreement on key issues.
*All decisions within each of NATO’s committees are reached by consensus. A “NATO decision” is therefore the expression of the collective will of all member countries. NATO has very few permanent forces of its own. When an operation is agreed by the North Atlantic Council, members contribute forces on a voluntary basis. These forces return to their countries once the mission is completed. &lt;BR&gt;It is the role of the military command structure to coordinate and conduct these operations. This structure consists of headquarters and bases located in different member countries. NATO’s day-to-day activities, civil and military structures and security investment programmes are funded through common budgets to which member governments contribute in accordance with an agreed cost-sharing formula.
**NATO, [https://www.nato.int/nato_static_fl2014/assets/pdf/pdf_publications/20190218_190218-WhatIsNATO_en.pdf  How does NATO work?]

=== Statement by NATO Heads of State and Government (24 March 2022) ===
[[File:Joe Biden attended the March 2022 NATO special meeting.jpg|thumb|We, the Heads of State and Government of the 30 NATO Allies, have met today to address [[Russia]]’s [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|aggression against]] [[Ukraine]], the gravest threat to Euro-Atlantic security in decades.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/official_texts_193719.htm Statement by NATO Heads of State and Government (24 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:2022 Russian Invasion of Ukraine animated.gif|thumb|[[Russia]]’s [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|unprovoked war against]] [[Ukraine]] represents a fundamental challenge to the [[values]] and norms that have brought [[security]] and [[prosperity]] to all on the [[European]] continent. President [[Putin]]’s [[choice]] to attack Ukraine is a strategic [[mistake]], with grave consequences also for Russia and the Russian [[people]]. We remain [[united]] and resolute in our determination to oppose Russia’s aggression, aid the government and the people of Ukraine, and defend the security of all Allies]]

* We, the Heads of State and Government of the 30 NATO Allies, have met today to address Russia’s aggression against Ukraine, the gravest threat to Euro-Atlantic security in decades.  Russia’s war against Ukraine has shattered peace in Europe and is causing enormous human suffering and destruction. 

* We condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in the strongest possible terms. We call on President Putin to immediately stop this war and withdraw military forces from Ukraine, and call on Belarus to end its complicity, in line with the Aggression Against Ukraine Resolution adopted at the UN General Assembly of 2 March 2022.  Russia should comply with the 16 March ruling by the UN International Court of Justice and immediately suspend military operations.  Russia’s attack on Ukraine threatens global security. Its assault on international norms makes the world less safe. President Putin’s escalatory rhetoric is irresponsible and destabilizing.

* Ukrainians have inspired the world with heroic resistance to Russia’s brutal war of conquest.  We strongly condemn Russia’s devastating attacks on civilians, including women, children, and persons in vulnerable situations. We will work with the rest of the international community to hold accountable those responsible for violations of humanitarian and international law, including war crimes. We are deeply concerned about the increased risk of sexual violence and human trafficking. We urge Russia to allow rapid, safe, and unhindered humanitarian access and safe passage for civilians, and to allow for humanitarian aid to be delivered to Mariupol and other besieged cities. We also condemn attacks against civilian infrastructure, including those endangering nuclear power plants. We will continue to counter Russia’s lies about its attack on Ukraine and expose fabricated narratives or manufactured “false flag” operations to prepare the ground for further escalation, including against the civilian population of Ukraine.  Any use by Russia of a chemical or biological weapon would be unacceptable and result in severe consequences. 

* Russia needs to show it is serious about negotiations by immediately implementing a ceasefire. We call on Russia to engage constructively in credible negotiations with Ukraine to achieve concrete results, starting with a sustainable ceasefire and moving towards a complete withdrawal of its troops from Ukrainian territory.  Russia’s continuing aggression while discussions are taking place is deplorable.  We support Ukraine’s efforts to achieve peace, and those undertaken diplomatically by Allies to weigh in on Russia to end the war and relieve human suffering.  

* We stand in full solidarity with President Zelenskyy, the government of Ukraine, and with the brave Ukrainian citizens who are defending their homeland.  We honour all those killed, injured, and displaced by Russia’s aggression, as well as their families. We reaffirm our unwavering support for the independence, sovereignty, and territorial integrity of Ukraine within its internationally recognized borders extending to its territorial waters.

* Ukraine has a fundamental right to self-defence under the United Nations Charter. Since 2014, we have provided extensive support to Ukraine’s ability to exercise that right.

* We are united in our resolve to counter Russia’s attempts to destroy the foundations of international security and stability. We are holding Russia and Belarus to account.  Massive sanctions and heavy political costs have been imposed on Russia in order to bring an end to this war. We remain determined to maintain coordinated international pressure on Russia. We will continue to coordinate closely with relevant stakeholders and other international organizations, including the European Union. Transatlantic coordination remains crucial for an effective response to the current crisis.

* We remain committed to the foundational principles underpinning European and global security, including that each nation has the right to choose its own security arrangements free from outside interference. We reaffirm our commitment to NATO’s Open Door Policy under Article 10 of the Washington Treaty.  

* We will continue to take all necessary steps to protect and defend the security of our Allied populations and every inch of Allied territory. Our commitment to Article 5 of the Washington Treaty is iron-clad. &lt;br/&gt; In response to Russia’s actions, we have activated NATO’s defence plans, deployed elements of the NATO Response Force, and placed 40,000 troops on our eastern flank, along with significant air and naval assets, under direct NATO command supported by Allies’ national deployments. 

* We are increasing the resilience of our societies and our infrastructure to counter Russia’s malign influence. We are enhancing our cyber capabilities and defences, providing support to each other in the event of cyber-attacks. We are ready to impose costs on those who harm us in cyberspace, and are increasing information exchange and situational awareness, enhancing civil preparedness, and strengthening our ability to respond to disinformation. We will also enhance our preparedness and readiness for chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear threats. 

* Russia’s unprovoked war against Ukraine represents a fundamental challenge to the values and norms that have brought security and prosperity to all on the European continent. President Putin’s choice to attack Ukraine is a strategic mistake, with grave consequences also for Russia and the Russian people. We remain united and resolute in our determination to oppose Russia’s aggression, aid the government and the people of Ukraine, and defend the security of all Allies.

=== Madrid Summit Declaration (29 June 2022) ===
[[File:Group photo of 2022 Madrid Summit.jpg|thumb| We, the Heads of State and Government of the North Atlantic Alliance, have gathered in Madrid as war has returned to the European continent. We face a critical time for our security and international peace and stability.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/official_texts_196951.htm?selectedLocale=en Madrid Summit Declaration issued by NATO Heads of State and Government ] participating in the meeting of the [[w:2022 NATO Madrid summit|North Atlantic Council in Madrid]] (29 June 2022)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Finland and Sweden–NATO map (2022).svg|thumb|Today, we have decided to invite [[Finland]] and [[Sweden]] to become members of NATO, and agreed to sign the Accession Protocols. … The accession of Finland and Sweden will make them safer, NATO stronger, and the Euro-Atlantic area more secure.]]

* We, the Heads of State and Government of the North Atlantic Alliance, have gathered in Madrid as war has returned to the European continent. We face a critical time for our security and international peace and stability. We stand together in unity and solidarity and reaffirm the enduring transatlantic bond between our nations. NATO is a defensive Alliance and poses no threat to any country. NATO remains the foundation of our collective defence and the essential forum for security consultations and decisions among Allies. Our commitment to the Washington Treaty, including Article 5, is iron-clad. In this radically changed security environment, this Summit marks a milestone in strengthening our Alliance and accelerating its adaptation.

* We are united in our commitment to democracy, individual liberty, human rights, and the rule of law. We adhere to international law and to the purposes and principles of the Charter of the United Nations. We are committed to upholding the rules-based international order.

* We condemn Russia’s war of aggression against Ukraine in the strongest possible terms. It gravely undermines international security and stability. It is a blatant violation of international law. Russia’s appalling cruelty has caused immense human suffering and massive displacements, disproportionately affecting women and children. Russia bears full responsibility for this humanitarian catastrophe. Russia must enable safe, unhindered, and sustained humanitarian access. Allies are working with relevant stakeholders in the international community to hold accountable all those responsible for war crimes, including conflict-related sexual violence. Russia has also intentionally exacerbated a food and energy crisis, affecting billions of people around the world, including through its military actions. Allies are working closely to support international efforts to enable exports of Ukrainian grain and to alleviate the global food crisis. We will continue to counter Russia’s lies and reject its irresponsible rhetoric. Russia must immediately stop this war and withdraw from Ukraine. Belarus must end its complicity in this war.

* We warmly welcome President Zelenskyy’s participation in this Summit. We stand in full solidarity with the government and the people of Ukraine in the heroic defence of their country. We reiterate our unwavering support for Ukraine’s independence, sovereignty, and territorial integrity within its internationally recognised borders extending to its territorial waters. We fully support Ukraine’s inherent right to self-defence and to choose its own security arrangements. We welcome efforts of all Allies engaged in providing support to Ukraine. We will assist them adequately, recognising their specific situation.

* We will continue and further step up political and practical support to our close partner Ukraine as it continues to defend its sovereignty and territorial integrity against Russian aggression. Jointly with Ukraine, we have decided on a strengthened package of support. This will accelerate the delivery of non-lethal defence equipment, improve Ukraine’s cyber defences and resilience, and support modernising its defence sector in its transition to strengthen long-term interoperability. In the longer term, we will assist Ukraine, and support efforts on its path of post-war reconstruction and reforms.

* Resilience is a national responsibility and a collective commitment. We are enhancing our resilience, including through nationally-developed goals and implementation plans, guided by objectives developed by Allies together. We are also strengthening our energy security. We will ensure reliable energy supplies to our military forces. We will accelerate our adaptation in all domains, boosting our resilience to cyber and hybrid threats, and strengthening our interoperability. We will employ our political and military instruments in an integrated manner. We have endorsed a new chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear defence policy. We will significantly strengthen our cyber defences through enhanced civil-military cooperation.

* Climate change is a defining challenge of our time with a profound impact on Allied security. It is a threat multiplier. We have decided on a goal to significantly cut greenhouse gas emissions by the NATO political and military structures and facilities, while maintaining operational, military and cost effectiveness. We will integrate climate change considerations across all of NATO’s core tasks.

* We have met here in Madrid with many of NATO’s partners. We had valuable exchanges with the Heads of State and Government of Australia, Finland, Georgia, Japan, the Republic of Korea, New Zealand, Sweden, and Ukraine, as well as the President of the European Council and the President of the European Commission. We welcomed the engagements with the Foreign Ministers of Jordan and Mauritania, as well as the Defence Minister of Bosnia and Herzegovina.

* Taking into account our unprecedented level of cooperation with the European Union, we will continue to further strengthen our strategic partnership in a spirit of full mutual openness, transparency, complementarity, and respect for the organisations’ different mandates, decision-making autonomy and institutional integrity, and as agreed by the two organisations. Our common resolve in responding to Russia’s war against Ukraine highlights the strength of this unique and essential partnership. The participation of our partners from the Asia-Pacific region, alongside other partners, demonstrated the value of our cooperation in tackling shared security challenges.

* We will further enhance our partnerships so that they continue to meet the interests of both Allies and partners. We will discuss common approaches to global security challenges where NATO’s interests are affected, share perspectives through deeper political engagement, and seek concrete areas for cooperation to address shared security concerns. We will now move ahead with strengthening our engagement with existing and potential new interlocutors beyond the Euro-Atlantic area.  
* Today, we have decided to invite Finland and Sweden to become members of NATO, and agreed to sign the Accession Protocols. In any accession to the Alliance, it is of vital importance that the legitimate security concerns of all Allies are properly addressed. We welcome the conclusion of the trilateral memorandum between Türkiye, Finland, and Sweden to that effect. The accession of Finland and Sweden will make them safer, NATO stronger, and the Euro-Atlantic area more secure. The security of Finland and Sweden is of direct importance to the Alliance, including during the accession process.

* With our decisions today, we have firmly set the direction for the Alliance’s continued adaptation. NATO remains the strongest Alliance in history. Through our bond and our mutual commitment, we will continue to safeguard the freedom and security of all Allies, as well as our shared democratic values, now and for future generations.

==Quotes about NATO ==

===1949===
*[I]f the [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|Kaiser]] in [[World War I]] and the [[Adolf Hitler|Fuehrer]] in [[World War II]] had been on notice that an armed attack against any of the friendly nations with whom we associate ourselves would be considered a cause even for us to consider and study and determine whether or not we would enter into the common defense, it would have stopped both those wars before they occurred, and in my opinion that one single designation of a commanlty of interest in the North Atlantic pact...is the best assurance against world war III.
**[[w:Arthur Vandenberg|Arthur Vandenberg]], speech in the United States Senate (14 February 1949), quoted in ''Congressional Record: Proceedings and Debates of the 81st Congress. First Session. Volume 95—Part 1. January 3, 1949, to February 17, 1949'' (1949), p. 1164

*[T]his Pact is a purely defensive arrangement for the common security of the countries who join it, and it is not directed against anyone. If we are accused of ganging up against any country or group of countries I should say simply: &quot;Examine the text. There is no secrecy about it, and there are no secret clauses. You will not find in the text any provision which threatens the security or the well-being of any nation.&quot; No nation innocent of aggressive intentions need have the slightest fear or apprehension about it.
**[[Ernest Bevin]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1949/mar/18/north-atlantic-pact#column_2533 speech in the House of Commons (18 March 1949)] 

*[T]he Pact must be regarded as a concrete expression of the identity of view long held among the Western nations. It recognises the common heritage and civilisation of their peoples, founded on principles of [[democracy]], individual [[liberty]] and the [[rule of law]] between nations. It is not elaborate; its simplicity is apparent, but I can assure the House that it is based on an understanding and determination to preserve our way of life. 
**[[Ernest Bevin]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1949/mar/18/north-atlantic-pact#column_2534 speech in the House of Commons (18 March 1949)] 

*The paramount purposes of the pact are peace and security... It is clear that the North Atlantic Pact is not an improvisation. It is the statement of the facts and lessons from two world wars in less than half a century. That experience has taught us that the control of Europe by a single aggressive, unfriendly Power would constitute an intolerable threat to the national security of the United States... We must make it clear that armed attack will be met by collective defence, prompt and effective. That is the meaning of the North Atlantic Pact. 
**[[Dean Acheson]], radio broadcast (18 March 1949), quoted in ''The Times'' (19 March 1949), p. 4

*[The North Atlantic Pact is] an instrument of tremendous moral power. It lays before the world the desires of great nations to live in peace and to be free from molestation and hostile pressures by aggressive States. It mobilizes the forces of peace against the forces of exploitation and war. It is a shining monument to the highest and finest international ethics. It is a symbol of national integrity and good faith between nations. 
**[[w:Tom Connally|Tom Connally]], statement quoted in ''The Times'' (19 March 1949), p. 4

*The [[w:North Atlantic Treaty|Atlantic Treaty]] is not aggressive. It is purely defensive. Those who attack it as offensive do so from a bad conscience. They take just the same line as the [[Nazism|Nazis]] did when every attempt by the nations to get together was denounced as the encirclement of Germany. We seek by the pact to gain for the nations a sense of security which they so ardently desire. We seek by the organization of security to make the world safe against aggression and by pooling of strength to reduce the burden of armaments.
**[[Clement Attlee]], speech in Glasgow (10 April 1949), quoted in ''The Times'' (11 April 1949), p. 4

===1956===
* Yes, today we have genuine Russian weather. Yesterday we had Swedish weather. I can't understand why your weather is so terrible. Maybe it is because you are immediate neighbours of NATO.
** [[Nikita Khrushchev]], at a Swedish-Soviet summit which began on March 30, 1956, in Moscow. The stenographed discussion was later published by the Swedish Government, as quoted in ''Raoul Wallenberg'' (1985) by Eric Sjöquist, p. 119.

===1961===
* With the creation of a separate West German state, with the conclusion of the Paris Agreements and with the inclusion of West Germany in NATO, the Western powers finally unilaterally broke the [[w:Potsdam Agreement|Potsdam Agreement]], this sole valid document in international law for Germany in the postwar period. It is not coincidental that in connection with this a special occupation status of the three powers was established in West Berlin. By this three-sided occupation status, the Western powers themselves confirmed that they violated the international-legal basis of their occupation regime in West Berlin and that this regime was based only on undisguised military force.
** [[Walter Ulbricht]], [https://digitalarchive.wilsoncenter.org/document/116211.pdf?v=7007f1e8a606ba206f20ea1b36025e5e &quot;Speech at the Moscow Conference, 3-5 August 1961&quot;] (3 August 1961).

===1981===
*Washington and its NATO partners more and more often resort in international relations to the policy of blackmail and crude pressure. They try to impudently force their will on other countries and nations. Imperialist bigwigs put forward adventurist doctrines of either a &quot;limited&quot; nuclear war or a war with the use of only conventional, non-nuclear weapons.
**[[Yuri Andropov]], [https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/5028354-Document-02-KGB-Chairman-Yuri-Andropov-at-the &quot;Speech at the National Consultation Meetings of the Leadership of the Agency and Troops of the KGB&quot;] (25 May 1981)

===1989===
* We are convinced that it is high time talks on tactical nuclear systems were initiated among all interested countries. The ultimate objective is to completely eliminate those weapons. Only Europeans who have no intention of waging war against one another are threatened by those weapons. What are they for then and who needs them? Are nuclear arsenals to be eliminated or retained at all costs? Does the strategy of nuclear deterrence enhance or undermine stability? On all these questions the positions of NATO and the [[w:Warsaw Pact|Warsaw Pact]] appear to be diametrically opposed. We, however, are not dramatising our differences. We are looking for solutions and invite our partners to join us in this quest.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], [https://www.cvce.eu/en/obj/address_given_by_mikhail_gorbachev_to_the_council_of_europe_6_july_1989-en-4c021687-98f9-4727-9e8b-836e0bc1f6fb.html Speech to the Council of Europe] (6 July 1989)

===1997===
* [P]erhaps it is not too late to advance a view that, I believe, is not only mine alone but is shared by a number of others with extensive and in most instances more recent experience in Russian matters. The view, bluntly stated, is that expanding NATO would be the most fateful error of American policy in the entire post-cold-war era. Such a decision may be expected to inflame the nationalistic, anti-Western and militaristic tendencies in Russian opinion; to have an adverse effect on the development of Russian democracy; to restore the atmosphere of the cold war to East-West relations, and to impel Russian foreign policy in directions decidedly not to our liking.
**[[George F. Kennan]], [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/02/05/opinion/a-fateful-error.html &quot;A Fateful Error&quot;], ''New York Times'' (5 February 1997)

*The North Atlantic Treaty Organization and its member States, on the one hand, and the Russian Federation, on the other hand, hereinafter referred to as NATO and Russia, based on an enduring political commitment undertaken at the highest political level, will build together a lasting and inclusive peace in the Euro-Atlantic area on the principles of democracy and cooperative security.
*NATO and Russia do not consider each other as adversaries. They share the goal of overcoming the vestiges of earlier confrontation and competition and of strengthening mutual trust and cooperation. The present Act reaffirms the determination of NATO and Russia to give concrete substance to their shared commitment to build a stable, peaceful and undivided Europe, whole and free, to the benefit of all its peoples. Making this commitment at the highest political level marks the beginning of a fundamentally new relationship between NATO and Russia. They intend to develop, on the basis of common interest, reciprocity and transparency a strong, stable and enduring partnership.
**[https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natolive/official_texts_25468.htm '''''Founding Act on Mutual Relations, Cooperation and Security between NATO and the Russian Federation''' signed in Paris, France 27 May  1997, NATO official texts'' ]  (May 1997)

===2001===
[[File:The Economist Logo.svg|thumb| The transatlantic alliance deserves a resounding “happy birthday”. It kept the peace for 40 years of cold war, protected western Europe from communism, helped stabilise central Europe after the Soviet Union’s collapse and enabled unprecedented prosperity... The allies are getting on with a long to-do list drawn up at last year’s summit, from ambitious readiness plans to new command centres.  ~[[w:The Economist|The Economist]] ]]
[[File:NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg.jpg|thumb|NATO Secretary General [[Jens Stoltenberg]] has praised the United Kingdom for maintaining a continuous at-sea nuclear deterrent for 50 years in a letter to Prime Minister Theresa May.  At least one Royal Navy submarine carrying nuclear missiles has been on undersea patrol at all times since April 1969.  ~NATO News]]
[[File:U.S. Navy warships at Pier 3, Naval Station Newport, Rhode Island (USA), in August 1973 (K-101613).jpg|thumb|The world is arming itself to the teeth... Global military spending last year rose to $1.8trn, says SIPRI—the highest level in real terms since reliable records began... 
~ [https://www.economist.com/international/2019/04/28/military-spending-around-the-world-is-booming ''Military spending around the world is booming, The Economist,'']  (28 April 2019)  ]]
[[File:John R. Bolton.png|thumb|In July 2016... [John R.] Bolton denounced then-nominee Trump’s suggestion that the U.S. not defend fellow NATO countries. (NATO is one international accord Bolton considers worthwhile.) He called Trump’s statement “very disturbing” and “a dagger at the heart of the most successful political-military alliance in human history.”  ~[[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]]]]

*NATO should dispose of large fragments of depleted uranium (DU) ammunition remaining in Kosovo 18 months after the conflict ended, because they represent an unnecessary risk to health, a UN study says.  Further details of the preliminary results of the UN Environment Programme investigation emerged yesterday as the EU began an inquiry into whether there is a link between radioactive military debris and the death from cancer of soldiers who served in the Balkans.
**[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/jan/05/balkans ''NATO urged to clean up its uranium debris in Kosovo, Call for ban on radioactive shells as EU investigates link with soldiers' cancer deaths, The Guardian''], Peter Capella in Geneva and Owen Bowcott (4 Jan 2001)

*Concern has been mounting rapidly throughout Europe over the effects of depleted uranium (DU) munitions used by [[w:NATO bombing of Yugoslavia|NATO in Bosnia and Yugoslavia]] during the 1994-95 and 1999 wars. At least 12 soldiers... who served in the Balkans have died of leukemia or other forms of cancer; several... are being treated for cancer... Other soldiers and aid workers have experienced symptoms including “[https://www.nytimes.com/2001/01/07/world/radiation-from-balkan-bombing-alarms-europe.html chronic fatigue, hair loss and various types of cancer” (New York Times, 1/7/01)]...&lt;BR&gt; Italy, Belgium, France, Portugal and Germany have all demanded that NATO conduct a thorough investigation into the health and environmental impacts of DU, and have expressed distrust of Pentagon and NATO reassurances ([[w:Agence France Presse|Agence France Presse]], 1/8/01). Reports in the European press suggest that the situation is causing serious divisions within the alliance, with the conservative [[w:London Times|London Times]] asserting that the soldiers’ “Deaths Threaten the Unity of NATO” (1/6/01)... Germany has called on NATO to ban the toxic and radioactive metal ([[w:The Independent,|The Independent,]] 1/9/01), while the United Nations’ war crimes tribunal has offered to make available all relevant records on the Kosovo war, raising the question of the legality of NATO’s use of DU ([[w:Agence France Presse|Agence France Presse]], 1/8/01). Since the new year, stories about the DU controversy have been running almost daily in every major British newspaper, with the Guardian (1/8/01) and Independent (1/6/01) each running editorials calling for a NATO investigation into DU’s health effects... 
**[https://fair.org/press-release/depleted-coverage-of-natos-depleted-uranium-weapons/ ''Depleted Coverage of NATO’s Depleted Uranium Weapons, Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR)'']  (10 January 2001)

*Meanwhile, in the U.S.—the country most responsible by far for DU contamination—newspapers have relegated most of their coverage to news briefs and short wire stories. The only U.S. newspaper in the Nexis media database to have run an editorial on the current controversy is the Seattle Times (1/6/01). Big picture questions about the extensive use of DU since the Gulf War, its lasting impact on civilian populations and the record of official deception around DU have been largely ignored in both print and broadcast reports... According to a search of the Nexis database, no major U.S. newspaper, magazine, television show or wire service has reported on the COE’s suggestion that NATO countries deliberately violated international law. Despite questions raised by veterans, health researchers and international organizations like the UN, NATO’s use of DU in Kosovo has received almost no sustained media attention, either during or after the war. One war time report on ''ABC‘s Nightline'' (4/1/99) criticized Serbian state media’s coverage of the conflict, highlighting what it described as '''“this astonishing claim” from a Belgrade news report: “They [NATO forces] even use radioactive weapons… which are forbidden by the [[w:Geneva Convention|Geneva Convention]]'''.” Astonishing, perhaps, but true; at the time, the Pentagon had already admitted using DU in Kosovo. As for the possibility that NATO violated the Geneva Conventions, ABC has never returned to it.
**[https://fair.org/press-release/depleted-coverage-of-natos-depleted-uranium-weapons/ ''Depleted Coverage of NATO’s Depleted Uranium Weapons, Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR)'']  (10 January 2001)

===2007===
* Our recommitment to Afghanistan must include increasing NATO forces, suspending the debilitating restrictions on when and how those forces can fight, expanding the training and equipping of the Afghan National Army through a long-term partnership with NATO to make it more professional and multiethnic, and deploying significantly more foreign police trainers.
**[[John McCain]] in  [https://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/2007-11-01/enduring-peace-built-freedom ''An Enduring Peace Built on Freedom, Securing America's Future,  Foreign Affairs Magazine''] (November 2007)
===2011===
*NATO this morning detained a tanker in Malta that was due to ship fuel from Italy to a port in western Libya, a senior Libyan source told Petroleum Economist. The Jupiter was destined for a port within the Qadhafi-held east and the well-placed sourced said it was carrying 12,750 tonnes of gasoline for use by the regime's military forces.  A Nato official told Petroleum Economist that the ship was boarded &quot;and told it cannot deliver its gasoline because fuel is being diverted to regime forces&quot;. He added that the ship was now at anchor off Tripoli awaiting instruction from its owner.   Nato added: &quot;It is the Qadhafi regime which is depriving its own citizens of vehicle fuel by diverting reserves for military use. Nato naval forces can deny access to vessels entering or leaving Libyan ports if there is reliable intelligence to suggest that the vessel or its cargo will be used to support attacks or threats on civilians, either directly or indirectly.&quot;&lt;BR&gt;Stopping a ship in international waters or within Libyan maritime territory “could be considered an act of war”, according to Martijn Feldbrugge, a sanctions expert at Business Sanctions and Consulting Nieuwediep...Preventing fuel supplies to the regime rests on assumptions that gasoline shortages could hamper Qadhafi’s military, or trigger an uprising in Tripoli by locals. Such a strategy could yet backfire, Shashank Joshi, a military expert and associate fellow at the Royal United Services Institute in London, said. “Fuel shortages will hurt the civilians in Tripoli first, not the military. The anger that causes may not be directed at the regime but at NATO.”
**[https://www.petroleum-economist.com/articles/midstream-downstream/tankers/2011/exclusive-nato-arrests-libya-bound-oil-tanker  ''EXCLUSIVE: NATO arrests Libya-bound oil tanker,  Petroleum Economist'', Derrick Brown] (19 May 2011)

===2014===

*Frighteningly, today, there are senior officials in Washington and Moscow who are actually considering a head on clash in Ukraine between Russian forces and '''NATO''' – which is an extension of US military power. Intensifying attacks by Ukrainian government forces (quietly armed and financed by the US) against pro-Russian separatists and civilian targets in eastern Ukraine are increasing the danger that Moscow may intervene militarily to protect Ukraine’s ethnic Russian minority.
**[[Eric Margolis (journalist)|Eric Margolis]],     [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/08/09/what-if-theres-real-war-ukraine What if There's a Real War in Ukraine?  ''Common Dreams''], August 9, 2014 

*The footage of President Obama strolling through the ancient ruins at Stonehenge was an apt bookend to the meeting of [[NATO]], a Cold War relic that should have been abolished after the dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991. But while hundreds of protesters marched through the streets calling for NATO to be dissolved — “From Iraq to Ukraine, NATO only causes pain,” they chanted — NATO leaders saw the crisis in Ukraine as an opportunity to breathe new life into the moribund military alliance. 
**[[Medea Benjamin]], [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/09/08/ukraine-conflict-red-meat-anemic-nato-alliance Ukraine Conflict: Red Meat For Anemic NATO Alliance,] September 9, 2014

*A creature of the Cold War created in 1949 to defend Europe from Soviet expansion, NATO did not dissolve when the Soviet Union collapsed peacefully. But it did assure Russia that it would not expand eastwards beyond the reunified Germany, and it would not station significant numbers of troops in Eastern Europe. NATO broke the pledge. In 1999, it admitted three former Warsaw Pact countries: the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland. In 2004, it admitted the Baltic states (Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania), Bulgaria, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia. Today the NATO security alliance covers 28 member states. It does not include Ukraine, but Ukraine is pushing for NATO membership.  One does not have to sympathize with Putin’s oligarchic authoritarianism or its annexation of Crimea to recognize the West’s intimidation. 
**[[Medea Benjamin]], [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/09/08/ukraine-conflict-red-meat-anemic-nato-alliance Ukraine Conflict: Red Meat For Anemic NATO Alliance,] September 9, 2014

* ...one Western policy stands out as a phenomenal [[success]], particularly when measured against the low expectations with which it began: the integration of Central Europe and the Baltic States into the [[European Union]] and [[NATO]]. Thanks to this double project, more than 90 million people have enjoyed relative safety and relative prosperity for more than two decades in a region whose historic instability helped launch two world wars. 
**  [[Anne Applebaum]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/anne-applebaum-nato-pays-a-heavy-price-for-giving-russia-too-much-credita-true-achievement-under-threat/2014/10/17/5b3a6f2a-5617-11e4-809b-8cc0a295c773_story.html &quot;The myth of Russian humiliation&quot; ''Washington Post''] (October 17, 2014)

* Before joining [[NATO]], each country had to establish civilian control of its army. Before joining the European Union, each adopted laws on trade, judiciary, [[human rights]]. As a result, they became democracies. This was “[[democracy]] promotion” working as it never has before or since.
**  [[Anne Applebaum]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/anne-applebaum-nato-pays-a-heavy-price-for-giving-russia-too-much-credita-true-achievement-under-threat/2014/10/17/5b3a6f2a-5617-11e4-809b-8cc0a295c773_story.html &quot;The myth of Russian humiliation&quot; ''Washington Post''] (October 17, 2014)

* For the record: No treaties prohibiting [[NATO]] expansion were ever signed with Russia. No promises were broken. Nor did the impetus for NATO expansion come from a “triumphalist” Washington. On the contrary, [[Poland]]’s first efforts to apply in 1992 were rebuffed...But Poland and others persisted, precisely because they were already seeing signs of the Russian [[imperialism|revanchism]] to come.
**  [[Anne Applebaum]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/anne-applebaum-nato-pays-a-heavy-price-for-giving-russia-too-much-credita-true-achievement-under-threat/2014/10/17/5b3a6f2a-5617-11e4-809b-8cc0a295c773_story.html &quot;The myth of Russian humiliation&quot; ''Washington Post''] (October 17, 2014)

* ... constant efforts were made to reassure [[Russia]]. No [[NATO]] bases were placed in the new member states, and until 2013 no exercises were conducted there. A Russia-NATO agreement in 1997 promised no movement of nuclear installations. A NATO-Russia Council was set up in 2002. In response to Russian objections, Ukraine and Georgia were, in fact, denied NATO membership plans in 2008.
**  [[Anne Applebaum]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/anne-applebaum-nato-pays-a-heavy-price-for-giving-russia-too-much-credita-true-achievement-under-threat/2014/10/17/5b3a6f2a-5617-11e4-809b-8cc0a295c773_story.html &quot;The myth of Russian humiliation&quot; ''Washington Post''] (October 17, 2014)

* The &lt;nowiki&gt;[2014]&lt;/nowiki&gt; crisis in Ukraine, and the prospect of a further crisis in [[NATO]] itself, is not the result of our triumphalism but of our failure to react to Russia’s aggressive rhetoric and its [[war|military]] spending. Why didn’t we move NATO bases eastward a decade ago? Our failure to do so has now led to a terrifying plunge of confidence in Central Europe...Our mistake was not to humiliate Russia but to underrate Russia’s [[imperialism|revanchist]], revisionist, disruptive potential.
** [[Anne Applebaum]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/anne-applebaum-nato-pays-a-heavy-price-for-giving-russia-too-much-credita-true-achievement-under-threat/2014/10/17/5b3a6f2a-5617-11e4-809b-8cc0a295c773_story.html &quot;The myth of Russian humiliation&quot; ''Washington Post''] (October 17, 2014)

===2016===

* There is a crisis brewing at the NATO-Russian border. It is no small matter. In his illuminating and judicious scholarly study of the region, [[w:Richard_Sakwa#Published_works|Frontline Ukraine: Crisis in the Borderlands, Richard Sakwa]] writes — all too plausibly — that the “Russo-Georgian war of August 2008 was in effect the first of the ‘wars to stop NATO enlargement;’ the Ukraine crisis of 2014 is the second. It is not clear whether humanity would survive a third.” 
**[[Noam Chomsky]], in ''[https://billmoyers.com/story/chomsky-rules-world/ Chomsky: Who Rules the World?]  BillMoyers.com''  (9 May 2016)
[[File:Ron_Paul_0723.jpg|thumb|NATO should have disbanded after the Cold War, just as the Warsaw Pact did... NATO is not a friend of peace. We don't need it. ~ [[Ron Paul]] ]]
* NATO should have disbanded after the Cold War, just as the Warsaw Pact did. Instead of disbanding, NATO proceeded to gobble up Eastern European countries that were formerly a part of [[W: Warsaw Pact|the Warsaw Pact]]. The &quot;regime change&quot; and absorption of Ukraine into NATO would put them right on Russia's border. NATO is not a friend of peace. We don't need it. 
**[[w:Ron Paul|Ron Paul]] in [http://www.ronpaullibertyreport.com/archives/ron-paul-nato-is-not-a-friend-of-peace ''NATO Is Not A Friend of Peace''] (5 July 2016)

===2018===
[[File:NATO spending by country.png|thumb|Defense [https://www.nato.int/nato_static_fl2014/assets/pdf/pdf_2018_03/20180315_180315-pr2018-16-en.pdf Expenditures of NATO Countries (2010-2017)]]]

*The crucial question...what is [[NATO]] for? ...From the beginning.. we had drilled into our heads that the purpose of NATO was to defend us from the Russian hordes... OK, 1991, no more Russian hordes...So, what’s NATO doing altogether? Well, actually, its mission was changed. The official mission of NATO was changed to become to be—to control and safeguard the global energy system, sea lanes, pipelines and so on. And, of course, on the side, it’s acting as a intervention force for the United States. Is that a legitimate reason for us to maintain NATO, to be an instrument for U.S. global domination? I think that’s a rather serious question. That’s not the question that’s asked. 
**[[Noam Chomsky]],  [https://www.democracynow.org/2018/7/30/noam_chomsky_us_must_improve_relations ''Noam Chomsky: U.S. Must Improve Relations with Russia and Challenge the Expansion of NATO, DemocracyNow,''] (30 July 2018) 

*[[President Trump]] says he knows more about the North Atlantic Treaty Organization than Secretary of Defense [[w:Jim Mattis|Jim Mattis]].  &quot;Frankly, I like Gen. Mattis. I think I know more about it than he does,&quot; Trump said during an interview with CBS News' &quot;60 Minutes&quot; that aired Sunday. &quot;And I know more about it from the standpoint of fairness, that I can tell you.&quot;  Trump made the comments when asked whether Mattis, a former four-star Marine general, explained to the commander in chief that NATO was crucial to preventing World War III.  &quot;The answer is this,&quot; Trump said. &quot;I will always be there with NATO, but they have to pay their way. I'm fully in favor of NATO, but I don't wanna be taken advantage of.&quot;  Trump has repeatedly bashed the country's NATO partners for their slow progress in achieving the alliance's defense spending target of 2 percent of GDP by 2024.
**Naomi Lim https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/trump-i-know-more-about-nato-than-defense-secretary-jim-mattis  ''Trump: 'I know more' about NATO than Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, Washington Examiner,'' (14 October 2018)

===2019===
[[File:NATO warships in Cardiff Bay HMS Duncan-geograph-4158068-by-Gareth-James.jpg|thumb|Non-US members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) will invest a further $100bn according to NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg. ~Army Technology]]
[[File:North_Atlantic_Treaty_Organization_(orthographic_projection).svg|thumb| By 2020 I think we’ll have at least another hundred billion dollars spent by the Allies, the other countries...&lt;BR&gt; ~ [[President Donald Trump]]  ]]

====January/June====

*Non-US members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) will invest a further $100bn in defence spending, according to secretary general Jens Stoltenberg.  A NATO official told Army Technology: “At the Wales Summit in 2014, all NATO allies agreed to stop cutting defence budgets, increase defence expenditures as GDP grows, and aim to move towards spending 2% of their GDP on defence within a decade.&quot;
**[https://www.army-technology.com/news/nato-defence-spending-100bn/  &quot;NATO to increase defence spending by $100bn amid US criticism,&quot; ''Army Technology'' Talal Husseini] (28 January 2019)

* President Trump’s nationalistic foreign policy has rattled U.S. allies and NATO members — and as he has pushed them to pay more for having U.S. troops stationed on their territory and framed the alliance in transactional terms.
**[[w:Washington Post|Washington Post]]  ''As Europe worries about Trump, congressional leaders invite NATO head for joint address,'' Seung Min Kim, Rachael Bade and  Robert Costa  (11 March 2019)

*The transatlantic alliance deserves a resounding “happy birthday”. It kept the peace for 40 years of cold war, protected western Europe from communism, helped stabilise central Europe after the Soviet Union’s collapse and enabled unprecedented prosperity.  “We’re incredibly complacent about the continuous delivery of peace and stability in our lives, and a hell of a lot of that depends on NATO,” says Sir Adam Thomson, a former British ambassador to nato, now with the [[w:European Leadership Network|European Leadership Network]], a London-based think-tank. “We tend to take it for granted.” 
**[https://www.economist.com/special-report/2019/03/14/what-nato-needs-to-do-to-live-to-its-100th-birthday &quot;What NATO needs to do to live to its 100th birthday,&quot; ''The Economist''']  (14 March 2019)

* '''Since Russia’s annexation of Ukraine's Crimean Peninsula in 2014, Poland, the Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia as well as other Eastern European states have expressed concerns about their security.''' The United States has deployed and rotated troops in the region since the Ukraine crisis began in an effort to deter Russia. NATO has also increased its presence near Russia’s borders. 
**[https://www.rferl.org/a/nato-confirms-plans-for-260-million-u-s-storage-site-in-poland/29839005.html  ''NATO Confirms Plans For $260 Million U.S. Storage Site In Poland, Radio Free Europe,''] (14 March 2019)

*Poland has been lobbying hard for a greater US military presence in the country ... as part of NATO operations, with the suggestion that a permanent base be created – for which Poland has offered to pay – dubbed &quot;Fort Trump”, doubtless as a way of appealing to the current US president’s ego.
**[https://polanddaily.com/261-new-nato-storage-facility-in-poland-first-steps-towards-us-base ''New NATO storage facility in Poland: first steps towards US base?  Poland Daily'']  (25 March 2019)

* NATO’s creators hoped the Alliance would never have to go to war. For 40 years, that was the case. When, in the 1990s, NATO did go into combat, the enemy wasn’t Russia. Moreover, that catastrophic war finally came to an end in large measure because of Russian diplomacy.
**[[w:Strobe Talbott|Strobe Talbott]] in [https://www.brookings.edu/blog/order-from-chaos/2019/03/27/a-brief-history-of-nato-from-truman-to-trump/ ''A brief history of NATO, from Truman to Trump''],  [[w:Brookings Institution|''Brookings Institution'']] (27 March 2019)

* When NATO Secretary General Stoltenberg gives his speech to the assembled members of Congress next Wednesday, you can count on the House Speaker and Senate Majority Leader to be right behind him. The bipartisan enthusiasm will be obvious -- in tribute to a militarized political culture that is vastly profitable for a few, while vastly destructive in countless ways. Only public education, activism, protests and a wide range of political organizing have the potential to disrupt and end the reflexive support for NATO in Washington.
**[[Norman Solomon]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/03/31/pelosi-and-mcconnell-crank-up-nato-madness/ ''Pelosi and McConnell: Cranking Up Bipartisan Madness for NATO, Consortium News'']  (31 March 2019

*[[President Donald Trump]]: By 2020 I think we’ll have at least another hundred billion dollars spent by the Allies, the other countries, the 27 countries outside of ourselves...
**[https://therealnews.com/stories/what-is-nato-good-for ''What is NATO Good For?, The Real News Network,''] (8 April 2019)

*The world is arming itself to the teeth. That is the conclusion of a new report published on April 29th by the [[w:Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI)|Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI)]], a think-tank. Global military spending last year rose to $1.8trn, says SIPRI—the highest level in real terms since reliable records began in 1988, during the cold war, and 76% higher than in 1998, when the world was enjoying its “peace dividend”. 
**[https://www.economist.com/international/2019/04/28/military-spending-around-the-world-is-booming   ''Military spending around the world is booming, The Economist,'']] (28 April 2019)

* Many observers in Russia believe that the [[w:Russia–NATO_relations#Post-Cold_War_cooperation|1997 Russia-NATO Founding Act]] was a mistake and the [[W:Russia–NATO relations|Russia-NATO Council established in 2002]] never worked as a conflict settlement arrangement. Rather, it was meant to symbolize an upcoming unity between Russia and NATO, something that never materialized.   
** [https://carnegieendowment.org/experts/1036 Andrey Sushentsov]  in  [http://valdaiclub.com/a/highlights/a-phony-cold-war/ '''''A Phony Cold War,''' Valdai Club,'' ] (12 May  2019)

*NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg has praised the United Kingdom for maintaining a continuous at-sea nuclear deterrent for 50 years in a letter to Prime Minister Theresa May.  At least one Royal Navy submarine carrying nuclear missiles has been on undersea patrol at all times since April 1969. This mission, called Operation Relentless, is the longest sustained military operation ever undertaken by the UK.  Mr. Stoltenberg stressed that NATO Allies face a highly complex international security environment. “Our goal is to maintain peace and security for all our nations and people”, he wrote.  “The commitment the UK has made, and continues to make, is a vital contribution to NATO's overall deterrence effort, including against the most extreme potential threats. This helps protect all NATO Allies.”
**NATO News [https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/news_166172.htm ''NATO Secretary General marks 50 years of UK submarine nuclear deterrent''] (21 May 2019)

*Former vice president [[Joe Biden]]... warned during a private Coral Gables fundraiser that the greatest threat to the future of America — world peace, even — is currently occupying the White House....“Eight years of this and I think we’ll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you’ll see the end of NATO and a whole range of other things that really are the things that maintain peace.”
**[https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/   ''Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will ‘end NATO’,  Miami Herald,''] (22 May 2019)

* The NATO ‘alliance’ of 29 member states (with [[Israel]] also a [[w:de facto|de facto]] member), most with US military bases, US military (and sometimes nuclear) weapons and significant or substantial deployments of US troops on their territory, was designed to sustain ‘the de facto “military occupation” of Western Europe’ and to confront the Soviet Union as the US administration orchestrated the Cold War to justify its imperial agenda – global domination guaranteed by massive US military expansion – in service of elite interests (including the profit maximization of the [[w:military industrial complex|military industrial complex]], its [[fossil fuel]] and [[w:banking corporations|banking corporations]], and its [[Mainstream media|media]] and information technology giants)...
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/author/robtburr0291/ Robert J. Burrowes] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/05/23/understanding-nato-ending-war/ '''''Understanding NATO, Ending War,''' CounterPunch''] (23 May 2019)

*A relative latecomer to the cyber game, NATO is beginning to “operationalize” cyber capabilities into its overall structure by integrating those tools of member nations, said the alliance’s secretary general.   “We are tackling increasingly complex cyberthreats faster and more efficiently. And we are more aware of the threats, more resilient to incidents,” Jens Stoltenberg said May 23 at the Cyber Defense Pledge Conference in London. “We also need to consider how we can deter attacks in cyberspace.”
**[https://www.defensenews.com/author/mark-pomerleau/ Mark Pomerleau] ''NATO to integrate offensive cyber capabilities of individual members, Fifth Domain''  (28 May 2019)

* NATO was created in 1949 to prevent possible Soviet attacks on the United States, Canada and a number of Western European nations. In case of an attack on one member, all NATO countries are required to rush to its defense.  Even though the Soviet threat is long gone and the United States spends more on defense than any other NATO member, the military alliance’s supporters argue that the benefits outweigh the costs.&lt;BR&gt;In a letter, former NATO secretaries... wrote, “We believe that the transatlantic alliance is the cornerstone of a stable, peaceful and free world. Few things symbolise this alliance, and the enduring benefits of American global leadership, more vividly than the life and work of John McCain... We urge NATO  to repay this lifetime of service to its mission by naming its new Brussels headquarters after Senator McCain.&quot;
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/people/rick-noack/?utm_term=.945e3eb378ca Rick Noack] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/05/30/what-happened-idea-naming-natos-headquarters-after-john-mccain/?das=pw_spsrd_hit&amp;utm_term=.1ef68c44e082 &quot;Trump’s dislike of McCain put defense officials in a tough spot even before they hid the warship bearing his name&quot;, ''Washington Post''] (30 May 2019)
 
*&quot;What [[w:Nord Stream 2|Nord Stream 2]] does is salami slice NATO by cutting some of the Eastern European countries away from the Western ones and particularly Germany...”  The company behind Nord Stream 2 argues the pipeline adds much needed supply capacity at a time when European gas reserves are diminishing... They reject the suggestion the pipeline furthers the Kremlin's geopolitical interests in Europe.
**'[https://news.sky.com/story/nord-stream-2-the-russian-oil-pipeline-salami-slicing-through-nato-11731471 'SkyNews: Nord Stream 2: '''The Russian oil pipeline 'salami slicing' through NATO''' ]',  Diana Magnay  (31 May 2019)

*Bathed in late afternoon sun, the US secretary of state, [[Mike Pompeo]], boarded a steamboat on Lake Geneva. He was there for drinks and nibbles with the King of Holland and the head of NATO, a glamorous end to a busy day at the [[w:Bilderberg Summit|Bilderberg summit]]. Representing the White House, [[w:Jared Kushner|Jared Kushner]] wore a beatific smile... Security at the wharf was drum tight. Amid a sea of secret service personnel, Pompeo was accompanied by the US ambassador to Switzerland... The pair looked keen to continue the geopolitical strategizing over canapés.  The secretary general of NATO, [[Jens Stoltenberg]], was flanked by heavily armed bodyguards... He has attended the last three Bilderberg meetings, turning up for “informal discussions”... Up on deck, [[w:King Willem-Alexander|King Willem-Alexander]] of the Netherlands chatted to [[w:James O. Ellis|James O Ellis, a former head of US Strategic Command]], now a director of [[w:Lockheed Martin|Lockheed Martin]]. In all, it was a bit eerie watching such a relaxed, twinkly drinks party in the context of a conference featuring so many [[w: The Pentagon|Pentagon]] officials and advisers and NATO strategy chiefs. A large chunk of the agenda had a [[Military-industrial complex|military flavour]]: “The weaponisation of social media”, “cyber threats”, even “the importance of space”. A couple of weeks ago, Stoltenberg announced that NATO is about to announce a new “space policy”.
**[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jun/02/bilderberg-pompeo-kushner-nato-stoltenberg   ''Bilderberg Ahoy! Pompeo and Kushner join the billionaire boat club, The Guardian''],   [[w:Charlie Skelton|Charlie Skelton]]  (2 Jun 2019)

*...the new Cold War with Moscow shows little sign of abating. It is used to justify the expansion of [[NATO]] to Russia’s borders, a move that has made billions in profits for U.S. arms manufacturers... This new Cold War predates the Trump presidential campaign. It was manufactured over a decade ago by a [[Military-industrial complex|war industry]] and [[w:United States Intelligence Community|intelligence community]] that understood that, by fueling a [[conflict]] with Russia, they could consolidate their [[power]] and increase their [[profits]].''' 
**[[Chris Hedges]] in [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/manufacturing-war-with-russia/ ''Manufacturing War With Russia, TruthDig'' ]]  (3 June 2019)

*The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), a Western military alliance long viewed as a foe by Russia, is ready to open its doors to North Macedonia, a country considered a key battleground between Russia and the West, NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg said Monday.
**[https://www.newsweek.com/nato-russia-west-europe-north-macedonia ''NATO Ready to Expand Into Country Viewed As BattleGround Between Russia &amp; the West, Secretary General Says, Newsweek,'' Christina Maza]   (3 June 2019)

*The leading members of the [[w:United States House Committee on Foreign Affairs|House Foreign Affairs Committee]] on Monday unveiled legislation that would allow the U.S. to provide loans for members of the [[w:North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO)|North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO)]] to upgrade their [[Military-industrial complex|weapons]] stockpile and reduce their dependency on Russia and China for acquiring arms.  The bill, co-sponsored by committee Chairman [[w:Eliot Engel|Eliot Engel]], New York Democrat, and ranking member [[w:Michael McCaul|Michael McCaul]], Texas Republican, would give Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] the power to authorize direct loans to the 29-member alliance to modernize their armed forces.
**[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2019/jun/17/engel-mccaul-announce-bill-assist-nato-allies-mode/   ''Reps. Engel, McCaul announce bill to assist NATO allies modernize armed forces,   The Washington Times,''  by Lauren Meier,]  (17 June 2019)

====July/December====

*Who is our common enemy? This question deserves to be clarified.  Is our enemy today, as I hear sometimes, Russia? Is it China? Is it the Atlantic alliance’s purpose to designate them as enemies? I don’t think so... Our common enemy at the alliance is, it seems, terrorism, which has hit all of our countries. 
**French President [[Emmanuel Macron]] in [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-france-nato-braindead/frances-macron-im-not-sorry-i-called-nato-brain-dead-idUSKBN1Y21JE France's Macron: I'm not sorry I called NATO brain dead,''Reuters,''] (28 November 2019)

*NATO’s fundamental problem is that the military alliance no longer reflects a common strategic reality. Created to counter a threat that no longer exists, the alliance’s widening fissures are becoming impossible to ignore... Neither Trump nor Macron is the real threat to NATO. Reality is.
**[https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2019/12/10/nato-problem-identity-crisis-not-donald-trump-attacks-column/4374223002/ NATO has worries more pressing than Donald Trump. It needs a new role in a changed world, ''USA Today'', Gil Barndollar], (10 Dec 2019) 

*NATO was set up to fight the Cold War and push back against Soviet power in Europe, but the USSR is long gone, and whatever threat is posed by Russia today cannot compare.
**[https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/03/asia/nato-china-russia-intl-hnk/index.html A challenge from China could be just the thing to pull NATO together, ''CNN'', James Griffiths,] (December 4, 2019)

===2020===
* In the years gone by, NATO summits were important events in the life of the alliance. Over the past two decades, however, the gatherings became almost annual, and therefore less than exciting. Until the 2017 NATO summit in Brussels, that is. Trump livened things up by not referring to the North Atlantic Treaty's iconic article 5, which stated that &quot;an armed attack against one or more of them in Europe or North America shall be considered an attack against them all.&quot; This provision is actually less binding than its reputation, since each alliance member will merely take &quot;such action as it deems necessary.&quot; It had been invoked only once, after the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington. Nonetheless, NATO had been a successful deterrence structure, for decades blocking the Red Army from knifing through Germany's Fulda Gap and deep into the heart of Western Europe. Of course, the United States was always the overwhelmingly greatest force contributing to our alliance, and it was primarily for our benefit, not because we were renting ourselves out to defend Europe, but because defending &quot;the West&quot; was in America's strategic interest. As a Cold War bulwark against Soviet expansionism, NATO represented history's most successful politico-military coalition.
** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 133

* Did NATO have problems? Of course. Not for nothing was Henry Kissinger's famous 1965 work entitled ''The Troubled Partnership: A Reappraisal of the Atlantic Alliance''. The list of NATO's deficiencies was long, including, after the Soviet Union's 1991 collapse, the feckless abandonment by several European members of their responsibility to provide for their own self-defense. Under President Clinton, America suffered its own military declines, as he and others saw the collapse of Communism as &quot;the end of history,&quot; slashing defense budgets to spend on politically beneficial domestic welfare programs. This &quot;peace dividend&quot; illusion never ended in much of Europe, but it ended in America with the September 11 mass murders in New York and Washington by Islamicist terrorists. NATO's future has been intensely debated among national-security experts for decades, with many urging a broader post-Cold War agenda. Barack Obama criticized NATO members for being &quot;free riders,&quot; not spending adequately on their own defense budgets, but, typically, he had simply graced the world with his views, doing nothing to see them carried out.
** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 133-134

* Trump, at his first NATO summit in 2017, complained that too many allies were not meeting their 2014 commitment, collectively made at Cardiff, Wales, to spend 2 percent of their GDP for defense in the European theater. Germany was one of the worst offenders, spending about 1.2 percent of GDP on defense, and always under pressure from Social Democrats and other leftists to spend less. Trump, despite, or perhaps because, of his father's German ancestry, was relentlessly critical. During consultations on the strike against Syria in April, Trump asked Macron why Germany would not join in the military retaliation against the Assad regime. It was a good question, without an answer other than domestic German politics, but Trump rolled on, criticizing Germany as a terrible NATO partner and again attacking the Nord Stream II pipeline, which would see Germany paying Russia, NATO's adversary, substantial revenues. Trump called NATO &quot;obsolete&quot; during the 2016 campaign but argued in April 2017 that the problem had been &quot;fixed&quot; in his presidency. His noteworthy failure in 2017 to mention article 5 allegedly surprised even his top advisors because he personally deleted any reference to it from a draft speech. True or not, the 2017 summit set the stage for the potential crisis we faced in 2018.
** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 134

* The storm had been brewing well before I arrived in the West Wing, but now it was directly ahead. Trump was correct on the burden-sharing point, as Obama had been, a convergence of views that might have shaken Trump's confidence in his own had he paid attention to it. The problem, from the perspective of US credibility, steadfastness, and alliance management, was the vitriol with which Trump so often expressed his displeasure with allies' not achieving the objective, or in some cases not even seeming to be interested in trying. In fact, earlier Presidents had not succeeded in keeping the alliance up to the mark in burden-sharing in the post-Cold War era. I certainly believed that, under Clinton and Obama in particular, the US had not spent enough on its own behalf for defense, regardless of what any of the allies were doing or not doing. If any of this were merely a critique of Trump's style, which it seemed to be for many critics, it would be a triviality. Personally, I've never shied away from being direct, even with our closest friends internationally, and I can tell you they are never shy about telling us what they think, especially about America's deficiencies. In fact, it was not Trump's directness but the veiled hostility to the alliance itself that unnerved other NATO members and his own advisors.
** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 134-135

* The mutual trust that emerged with the end of the Cold War was severely shaken a few years later by NATO's decision to expand to the east. Russia had no option but to draw its own conclusions from that.
** [[Mikhail Gorbachev]], ''What Is at Stake Now'' (2020)

===2021===
*During the transition to the new [[Bill Clinton|Clinton]] administration, [[Madeleine Albright]] famously asked Gen. [[Colin Powell]], then chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,  &quot;What's the point of having this superb military you're always talking about if we can't use it?&quot;  In 1999, as [[United States Secretary of State|secretary of state]] under [[Bill Clinton]], Albright got her wish, running roughshod over the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]] with an [[w:NATO bombing of Yugoslavia|illegal war]] to carve out an independent [[Kosovo]] from the ruins of [[Yugoslavia]]. The UN Charter clearly prohibits the threat or use of military force except in cases of self-defense or when the [[W:UN Security Council|UN Security Council]] takes military action &quot;to maintain or restore international peace and security.&quot; This was neither. When [[W:Foreign Secretary|U.K. Foreign Secretary]] [[W:Robin Cook|Robin Cook]] told Albright his government was &quot;having trouble with our lawyers&quot; over [[NATO|NATO's]] [[W:NATO bombing of Yugoslavia|illegal war plan]], Albright crassly told him to &quot;get new lawyers.&quot; 
** [[Medea Benjamin]] and [https://www.salon.com/2021/12/07/congress-loots-the-treasury-for-us-machine--while-bickering-over-build-back-better/ Nicolas J.S. Davies, Congress loots the Treasury for U.S. war machine — while bickering over Build Back Better, ''Salon,''] (December 7, 2021) 

*Twenty-two years later, [[Kosovo]] is the third-poorest country in Europe (after Moldova and post-coup Ukraine) and its independence is still not recognized by 96 countries. [[W:Hashim Thaçi|Hashim Thaçi]], Albright's hand-picked main ally in Kosovo and later its president, is awaiting trial in an international court at the Hague, charged with murdering at least 300 civilians under cover of [[W:NATO bombing of Yugoslavia|'''NATO bombing''']] in 1999 to extract and sell their internal organs on the [[W:Organ transplantation|international transplant market]].  Clinton and Albright's gruesome and illegal war set the precedent for more illegal U.S. wars in [[Afghanistan]], [[Iraq]], [[Libya]], [[Syria]] and elsewhere, with equally devastating and horrific results. 
** [[Medea Benjamin]] and [https://www.salon.com/2021/12/07/congress-loots-the-treasury-for-us-machine--while-bickering-over-build-back-better/ Nicolas J.S. Davies, Congress loots the Treasury for U.S. war machine — while bickering over Build Back Better, ''Salon,''] (December 7, 2021) 

*The February meeting of NATO...defense ministers... revealed an antiquated, 75-year-old alliance that, despite its military failures in Afghanistan and Libya, is now turning its military madness toward two more formidable, nuclear-armed enemies: Russia and China... NATO seems oblivious to the changing dynamics of today's world, as if it were living on a different planet. Its one-sided Reflection Group report cites Russia's violation of international law in Crimea as a principal cause of deteriorating relations with the West, and insists that Russia must &quot;return to full compliance with [[international law]].&quot; But it ignores the U.S. and NATO's far more numerous violations of international law and leading role in the tensions fueling the renewed Cold War:  Illegal invasions of Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq...The broken agreement over NATO expansion into Eastern Europe... U.S. withdrawals from important arms control treaties... More than 300,000 bombs and missiles dropped on other countries by the U.S. and its allies since 2001... U.S. proxy wars in Libya and Syria, which plunged both countries into chaos, revived Al Qaeda and spawned the Islamic State... U.S. management of the 2014 coup in Ukraine, which led to economic collapse, Russian annexation of Crimea and civil war in Eastern Ukraine...&lt;BR&gt;The stark reality of the U.S. record as a serial aggressor whose [[Military-industrial complex|offensive war machine]] dwarfs Russia's defense spending by 11 to 1 and China's by 2.8 to 1, even without counting other NATO countries' military spending.
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], [https://www.salon.com/2021/02/25/what-planet-is-nato-living-on-because-its-no-longer-useful-on-this-one/ What Planet Is NATO Living On? It's No Longer Useful to This One, ''Salon''], (24 February 2021)

*NATO's failure to seriously examine its own role in what it euphemistically calls &quot;uncertain times&quot; should be more alarming to Americans and Europeans than its one-sided criticisms of Russia and China, whose contributions to the uncertainty of our times pale by comparison. 
**[[Medea Benjamin]] and [[W:Nick Davies|Nicolas J. S. Davies]], [https://www.salon.com/2021/02/25/what-planet-is-nato-living-on-because-its-no-longer-useful-on-this-one/ What Planet Is NATO Living On? It's No Longer Useful to This One ''Salon''], (24 February 2021)

* Well, I was myself recently also in [[Afghanistan]], and I sat down with the mothers in these displacement camps around Kabul. And I asked them, “What about the future? What do you think of the future?” And they told me very clearly, “We believe we will starve and freeze to death this harsh winter, unless there is an enormous aid operation coming through and unless there is a public sector again that is able to provide services.” It is as acute as that. Forty million civilians were left behind when the [[NATO|NATO countries]] went for the door in August.
**[[Jan Egeland]],  [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/16/afghanistan_humanitarian_and_economic_conditions_update Hell on Earth”: Millions of Afghans Face Starvation as U.S. &amp; West Freeze Billions in Gov’t Fund]s, [[W:Democracy Now!|Democracy Now!]], (16 November 2021) 

*The key issue is the status of [[NATO]] and the role of NATO in general and particularly with regard to the Ukraine. First, let me just begin with the more general issue of NATO. I think the Soviet Union to the very end expected that NATO would simply disappear because the Soviet counterpart to NATO, the Warsaw Pact effectively went out of business in 1989. And, you know, NATO didn’t seem to have any purpose anymore since the Cold War — by everybody’s agreement — was effectively over by the end of 1989. Yet NATO’s not only continued, but it really began expanding to an extraordinary degree... a direct violation of a U.S. agreement that they made with the Soviet Union in 1990, which was a solemn promise that was made not once, but repeatedly — never to expand [[NATO]] to the East. The phrase that was used by U.S. Secretary of State James Baker was “not one inch eastward.” That was a promise made by the United States so that the Soviet Union, later Russia, would not feel threatened. Specifically, there was a U.S. objective that Germany was reunifying and the Soviet Union had the ability to block the reunification of the U.N. Security Council. And as agreed, as part of the comprehensive agreement, the Soviets agreed not to block Germany’s reunification and the U.S. agreed not to expand NATO. 
**[https://btlonline.org/nato-expansion-key-to-understanding-rising-russia-ukraine-tensions/ David Gibbs, in NATO Expansion Key to Understanding Threat of War on Russia-Ukraine Border: Interview with David Gibbs, professor of history at the University of Arizona, conducted by Scott Harris, ''Between the Lines''], December 15, 2021

*There have been a number of recent studies that have looked at the declassified documents and the public statements, and they firmly assert that there was an agreement, a U.S. promise not to expand [[NATO]] . And almost immediately, the U.S. began violating that agreement and began doing so quite brazenly, and the Soviets and then the Russians have always been furious about this and see this as a threat to their security.  In terms of the Ukraine, in 2008, there were repeated statements by both U.S. and NATO officials that the Ukraine would be welcomed into NATO, and the Russians insisted that that was simply a bridge too far and they would not allow it.... I think there’s a tendency not to realize how provocative this is to the Russians in light of A, the fact that this is a violation of a U.S. agreement and B, that this is directly on the southern border of Russia. It’s a little bit like how the United States would feel if, let’s say, Russia established an alliance with Mexico and began building bases in Mexico. I see this as reckless provocation against Russia...&lt;BR&gt;There was a big lobbying campaign to help sell the idea of expanding NATO to the American public... funded very heavily by weapons manufacturers because they benefited from these things. So in terms of winners and losers, I would say a very small elite group would benefit and frankly, everyone else is going to lose from this.
**[https://btlonline.org/nato-expansion-key-to-understanding-rising-russia-ukraine-tensions/ David Gibbs, in NATO Expansion Key to Understanding Threat of War on Russia-Ukraine Border: Interview with David Gibbs, professor of history at the University of Arizona, conducted by Scott Harris, ''Between the Lines''], December 15, 2021

*'''While Civil Society and a global movement work steadfastly across dozens of fields for the abolition of [[nuclear weapons]], planning, preparations, and rehearsals for attacks using deployed H-bombs and nuclear missiles are routine in the US military and NATO.'''&lt;BR&gt;US nuclear war practice takes place routinely with allied European militaries. “Steadfast Noon” is NATO’s code name for its annual nuclear attack practice, and Hans Kristensen reports for the ''Federation of American Scientist''s that, “This is the exercise that practices NATO’s nuclear strike mission with the B61 … nuclear bombs the US deploys in Europe.”  Jan Merička wrote in ''European Security Journal News'' Oct. 19, 2017, that Steadfast Noon is designed “to simulate nuclear strikes… and was conducted from the Kleine Brogel Air Base in Belgium and Büchel Air Base in Germany, where US B61 thermonuclear bombs with the force of up to 340 kilotons of TNT are stored.” (FYI: Hiroshima was incinerated with a 15 kiloton US bomb.)
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

*To illustrate the Pentagon’s ho-hum acceptance of mass destruction, it recently opened in Omaha its new, $1.3 billion Strategic Command headquarters for supervising and targeting the nuclear arsenal, and it named the building after General Curtis LeMay, who, the Omaha World Herald reported, designed and conducted the incendiary bombing of 60 Japanese cities at the end of WWII, bombing that “incinerated entire cities” killing as many as 900,000 civilians. General LeMay’s motto and that of Strategic Command used to be “Death from Above,” but after the war it was changed to “Peace is Our Profession.”&lt;BR&gt;In Germany, readiness for attacks with [[nuclear weapons]] is maintained by the USAF 702nd Munitions Support Squadron, which tends to Germany’s 33rd Fighter-Bomber Wing at Büchel Air Force Base. Headlines from last October’s bombing “theater” included, and “NATO Holds Secret Nuclear War Exercises in Germany,” “German Air Force training for nuclear war as part of NATO;” from 2017, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise unusually open”; and in 2015, “NATO nuclear weapons exercise Steadfast Noon in Büchel.”&lt;BR&gt; While the uninitiated might be aghast, '''the US military plans and prepares all year round for nuclear attacks''' at its far-flung “Defense Nuclear Weapons School” of the Air Force Nuclear College. According to the school’s website, one branch (of “Armageddon Academy”) is at the Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany, the largest US military base outside the country.
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/24/us-and-nato-nuclear-lunacy-still-raving/ US and NATO Nuclear Lunacy Still Raving] by [https://www.counterpunch.org/author/buchud/ John Laforge], ''CounterPunch'', December 24, 2021 

*How likely is doomsday? Well back to Ukraine, regarding which, on December 1, Russian President Putin asked the west for legal guarantees that it would cease eastward expansion. This request, made because Washington’s word is worthless (vide just for starters, the Iran nuclear pact, and President George H.W. Bush’s promise that NATO would never, ho, ho, expand to Russia’s borders) and met with scoffs by the white house, comes amid complicated tensions. The Kiev military recently claimed it used Turkish attack drones “in combat against ethnic Russian rebels,” Finian Cunningham reported October 28 in Information Clearing House. This is not good. Turkey is in NATO. If Turkey gets tangled up in the Ukraine imbroglio, that substantially escalates things.   According to Anatol Lieven in ''Responsible Statecraft'' on November 24, “Moscow is especially alarmed by Ukraine’s acquisition of Turkish Bayraktar combat drones,” used to such deadly effect by Azerbaijan in its 2020 conquest of Armenian territory. Unlike the F-35, these things actually work. Worse, Cunningham reports that “American, British and Canadian military advisors… have carried out training missions with UAF combat units.” Now '''the Kremlin has warned that “NATO’s support to the Kiev regime was posing a direct threat to Russia’s national security.” That’s called drawing a red line. In fact, on December 2, Putin called NATO deployment of troops to Ukraine exactly that, a red line. Will the U.S. and NATO be stupid enough to cross it? If so, now would be a good time to invest in a bomb shelter.'''
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/12/10/dangerous-games-western-militaries-on-the-doorsteps-of-russia-and-china/ Dangerous Games: Western Militaries on the Doorsteps of Russia and China], by [https://truthout.org/authors/eve-ottenberg/ Eve Ottenberg], ''CounterPunch'', December 10, 2021 

*What I think is happening as a result of NATO expansion, of Biden being a tremendously hawkish figure on Ukraine and basically daring Vladimir Putin to stand up to NATO expansion, is that you run the risk of what is ultimately the elite business class of the world having their battles spilling over into overt military conflict. I think China in particular is very concerned about the aggressive U.S. stance because I think China would be very happy to find a way to just sort of divvy up the world for domination in various regions. The United States is not going to accept that. The U.S. posture is pushing China and Russia into an even closer alliance akin to the relationship during the Cold War.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending “The War Party”: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!'']  (24 November 2021) 

*Listen, there's been a campaign, a war against Russia going on for a long time. It started again in the United States around 2006, '07, when he made that speech in Munich, but I think there's no evidence really of the aggressiveness of Russia. The aggressiveness is truly coming from the [[NATO|NATO forces]] that have encircled Russia and that are also, by the way, encircling China. You know, this is a big policy point, huge, of huge importance... If you look at the reporting from all of our major networks, it's very hostile when it comes to people who we deem to be enemies... It's not necessary to be their enemy.  
**[[Oliver Stone]],  [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,]   (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on youtube])  ''The Washington Post'' (12 May  2021)

*With regard to [[nuclear weapons]], '''the situation is far more dangerous than the last Doomsday Clock report. New weapons systems under development are much more effectively dangerous. The Biden administration, expanding upon Trump’s confrontational approach, has [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] at a loss for words to describe the danger at hand. Only recently, [[Joe Biden|Biden]] met with [[NATO]] leaders and instructed them to plan on two wars,''' [[China]] and [[Russia]]. According to Chomsky: “This is beyond [[insanity]].” Not only that, the group is carrying out provocative acts when [[diplomacy]] is really needed. This is an extraordinarily dangerous situation.&lt;BR&gt;According to [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]], the Doomsday Clock setting at 100 seconds to midnight is based upon: (1) [[global warming]] (2) [[nuclear war]] and (3) [[disinformation]], or the collapse of any kind of rational discourse.  As such, number three makes it impossible to deal with the first two major problems... As a result, Chomsky says: “We’re living in a world of total illusion and fantasy.” Accordingly, “Unless this is dealt with soon, it’ll be impossible to deal with the two major issues within the time span that we have available, which is not very long.” 
**[https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/07/12/a-world-of-total-illusion-and-fantasy-an-interview-with-noam-chomsky/ A World of Total Illusion and Fantasy: Noam Chomsky on the Future of the Planet, Robert Hunziker, ''CounterPunch''] (12 July 2021)

===2022===

* Russia is right: The West promised not to enlarge NATO, and these promises were broken.
** Tarik Cyril Amar, [https://www.rt.com/russia/546074-russia-nato-relations-lie/ Russia is right: The West promised not to enlarge NATO &amp; these promises were broken], ''RT'', 15 January 2022

*US aggression has, ironically, pushed China and Russia into a forced marriage, something the architects of the Cold War, including Nixon and Kissinger with their opening to China in 1971, worked very hard to avoid. Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping, after meeting recently in Beijing, issued a 5,300-word statement that condemned NATO expansion in eastern Europe... Sen. [[w: Robert Menendez|Robert Menendez]] (D-NJ), the chair of the [[w:Foreign Relations Committee|Foreign Relations Committee]], is currently crafting legislation he proudly calls “the mother of all [[Sanction|sanctions]] bill.” The bill led in the House by [[W:Gregory Meeks|Gregory Meeks]] of the House Foreign Affairs Committee...demands that the administration “not cede to the demands of the [[Russian Federation]] regarding NATO membership or expansion.” NATO expansion to Ukraine along Russia’s borders is the central issue for Moscow. Removing this for discussion obliterates a [[Diplomacy|diplomatic]] solution to the crisis.
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [https://www.mintpressnews.com/chris-hedges-democrats-effective-evil/279654/ Democrats, the More Effective Evil, ''MintPressNews''], (14 February 2022)

*I was in Eastern Europe in 1989, reporting on the revolutions that overthrew the ossified communist dictatorships that led to the collapse of the Soviet Union. It was a time of hope. NATO, with the breakup of the Soviet empire, became obsolete. President [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] reached out to Washington and Europe to build a new security pact that would include Russia. Secretary of State [[James Baker]] in the [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan administration]], along with the West German Foreign Minister Hans-[[W:Hans-Dietrich Genscher|Dietrich Genscher]], assured the Soviet leader that if Germany was unified NATO would not be extended beyond the new borders. The commitment not to expand NATO, also made by Great Britain and France, appeared to herald a new global order. We saw the peace dividend dangled before us, the promise that the massive expenditures on weapons that characterized the Cold War would be converted into expenditures on social programs and infrastructures that had long been neglected to feed the insatiable appetite of the military. &lt;BR&gt;There was a near universal understanding among diplomats and political leaders at the time that any attempt to expand NATO was foolish, an unwarranted provocation against Russia that would obliterate the ties and bonds that happily emerged at the end of the Cold War.  How naive we were. The war industry did not intend to shrink its power or its profits. It set out almost immediately to recruit the former Communist Bloc countries into the European Union and NATO... The expansion of NATO swiftly became a multi-billion-dollar bonanza for the corporations that had profited from the Cold War. 
**[[Chris Hedges]],  [https://www.mintpressnews.com/chris-hedges-ukraine-soviet-union-russia-war/279793/ Russia, Ukraine and the Chronicle of a War Foretold, ''MintPress News'',] Feb 25, 2022 

*Once NATO expanded into Eastern Europe, the [[Bill Clinton|Clinton administration]] promised Moscow that NATO combat troops would not be stationed in Eastern Europe, the defining issue of the 1997 NATO-Russia Founding Act on Mutual Relations. This promise again turned out to be a lie. Then in 2014, the U.S. backed a coup against Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych who sought to build an economic alliance with Russia rather than the European Union. Of course, once integrated into the European Union, as seen in the rest of Eastern Europe, the next step is integration into NATO.  Russia, spooked by the coup, alarmed at the overtures by the EU and NATO, then annexed Crimea, largely populated by Russian speakers. And the death spiral that led us to the conflict currently underway in Ukraine became unstoppable.&lt;BR&gt;The war state needs enemies to sustain itself. When an enemy can’t be found, an enemy is manufactured. Putin has become, in the words of Senator Angus King, the new Hitler, out to grab Ukraine and the rest of Eastern Europe. The full-throated cries for war, echoed shamelessly by the press, are justified by draining the conflict of historical context, by elevating ourselves as the saviors and whoever we oppose, from Saddam Hussein to Putin, as the new Nazi leader. 
**[https://www.mintpressnews.com/chris-hedges-ukraine-soviet-union-russia-war/279793/ Chris Hedges: Russia, Ukraine and the Chronicle of a War Foretold, ''MintPress News'',] Feb 25, 2022

* I have pursued a lone heresy of wondering why NATO even survived the end of its enemies, the USSR and the Warsaw Pact. Do we still maintain alliances against Austria-Hungary or the Ottomans? I can find no trace of them. Perhaps, overlooked in some elegant Paris street and living off ancient funds, elderly, learned men still occupy these joyous sinecures, hoping that they will not be found out.
**[[Peter Hitchens]], [https://www.compactmag.com/article/how-nato-lost-its-way &quot;How NATO Lost Its Way&quot;], ''[[w:Compact (American magazine)|Compact]]'', March 22, 2022

*'''There is one question today that is more important than any other question that could possibly be asked, and it’s this:  Is what the [[United States|U.S.]] and its allies are trying to accomplish in [[Ukraine]] worth continually risking nuclear [[armageddon]] for?''' ...Well? Is it?  It’s not really a question you can just compartmentalize away from if you have [[integrity]]. It demands to be answered.   Is it worth it to continue along this trajectory? Is it? Is it really? Perhaps there might be some things that would be worth risking the life of every creature on earth to obtain, but is refusing to concede to  [[2021–2022_Russo-Ukrainian_crisis#Vladimir_Putin's_Speech_on_Ukraine_and_US_Foreign_Policy_and_NATO_-_(February_24,_2022)|Moscow’s demands in Ukraine]]  one of them? Whatever your values are, whatever your analysis is, whatever beliefs you’ve been holding to justify your support for the west’s side of this conflict, will you still proudly stand by them if you look outside and see a mushroom cloud growing in the distance?
**[https://consortiumnews.com/2022/03/01/caitlin-johnstone-the-single-most-important-question-in-the-world-right-now/ Caitlin Johnstone: The Single Most Important Question In The World Right Now,  ''Consortium News'']   March 1, 2022

*Unfortunately, it’s US [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] which brought the [[United States|US]], [[Russia]], [[Ukraine]], and [[NATO]] to the current standoff.  As the [[W:Warsaw Pact|Warsaw Pact]] disintegrated and the [[W:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|Soviet Union collapsed]], US encouragement for those events included pledges that the [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization]] wouldn’t take advantage of the situation to expand eastward. Since then, NATO has inexorably pushed in that direction, nearly doubling the number of member states. Thanks, US “diplomacy.”... Things began coming to a head with the [[W:2014 Ukrainian coup)|US-sponsored coup in Ukraine]] that replaced its [[Viktor Yanukovych|“Russia-friendly” regime]] with a [[W:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|“US/Europe-friendly” regime]] in 2014, courtesy of [[Barack Obama]]. Thanks, US “diplomacy.” &lt;BR&gt;Then in 2019, the US withdrew from the [[w:Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty|Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty]], which forbade the US to place missiles within surprise strike distance of Russia, and Russia to place similar missiles within surprise strike distance of NATO. The US followed up by placing exactly such missiles in [[Poland]], courtesy of Donald Trump. Some “diplomacy.”... Then the US went into overdrive (courtesy of Trump and Biden) against the opening of a pipeline ([[W:Nord Stream 2|Nord Stream 2]]) which would have supplied Russian natural gas to Germany.  The pipeline would have been a force for peace insofar as Russia likes to sell natural gas (at a fraction of prices the US can offer), and Germans like to not freeze to death.
** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? Thomas Knapp,]  ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022

*'''The reason I testified against expanding NATO expansion — against expanding NATO, in the beginning, in the late ’90s, was because we had — at the end of the Cold War, we had removed the Iron Curtain. We had created what we had aimed for: a Europe whole and free. And it was obvious, if you start piecemeal expanding NATO, you are going to — without including Russia — you are going to once again precipitate a buildup of arms and a competition, an armed competition''', then. But there was no reason to do it at that time. Russia was not threatening any East European country. Actually, the Soviet Union in its last years was not, because Gorbachev had accepted the democratization of the East European countries. And actually, one of the last acts of the Soviet parliament was to recognize the freedom and independence of the three Baltic countries, so that we had a Europe whole and free. The task was to build a security architecture that would include them all. And the reason I testified against it was that I saw that a process that we started then, if continued, and if continued up to the borders of the Soviet Union — I mean, to the borders of Russia and included former parts of the Soviet Union that were recognized as part of the Soviet Union at that time, such as, most importantly, Ukraine and Georgia, that this would bring about a confrontation.
**[[Jack F. Matlock Jr.]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/2/17/jack_matlock_ukraine_russia_nato_us Ex-U.S. Ambassador to USSR: Ukraine Crisis Stems Directly from Post-Cold War Push to Expand NATO], [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']], February 17, 2022  

*The problems with Russia are not just NATO expansion. There were also a process that began with the second Bush administration of withdrawing from all of the arms control — almost all of the arms control agreements that we had concluded with the Soviet Union, the very agreements that had brought the first Cold War to an end.... In effect, what the United States did after the end of the Cold War was they reversed the diplomacy that we had used to end the Cold War, and started sort of doing anything, everything the opposite way. We started, in effect, trying to control other countries, to bring them into what we called the “new world order,” but it was not very orderly. And we also sort of asserted the right to use military whenever we wished. We bombed Serbia in the ’90s without the approval of the U.N. Later, we invaded Iraq, citing false evidence and without any U.N. approval and against the advice not only of Russia but of Germany and France, our allies. So, the United States — I could name a number of others — itself was not careful in abiding by the [[International law|international laws]] that we had supported.
**[[Jack F. Matlock Jr.]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/2/17/jack_matlock_ukraine_russia_nato_us Ex-U.S. Ambassador to USSR: Ukraine Crisis Stems Directly from Post-Cold War Push to Expand NATO], [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']], February 17, 2022

*That [[NATO]] advance makes no sense. It is going to lead us again to a division of the world.
**[[José Mujica]], referring to [[Prelude to the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]]. Quoted in [https://www.huffingtonpost.es/entry/jose-mujica-habla-asi-de-putin-y-augura-que-va-a-pasar-alucinan-hasta-los-periodistas_es_62d642a2e4b0ed8ba4930922 José Mujica habla así de Putin y augura qué va a pasar: alucinan hasta los periodistas, ''huffingtonpost'']  (19 July 2021)

*We had a moment in history, between 1988 and 1991, where we could have worked with [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] to make his vision of perestroika succeed. Instead, we allowed him to fail, without any real plan on how we would live with what emerged from the ruins of the Soviet Union. Save for a short period of time during the [[World War II|Second World War]] where we needed the [[Soviet Union]] to defeat Germany and Japan, we have been in a continual state of political conflict with the Soviet Union. Even after the Soviet Union collapsed, we viewed the [[Russia|Russian Federation]] more as a defeated enemy that we needed to keep down, than a friend in need of a helping hand up. Yeltsin’s Russia was useful to the US and NATO only to the extent that we could exploit it economically while controlling its domestic politics in a manner that kept Russia in a perpetual state of weakness. The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] “reset” was simply a ploy to remove [[Vladimir Putin]], who rejected the vision of Russia projected by the west, and replace him with [[Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitri Medvedev]], whom Obama believed could be remade in the figure of [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]]. The fact that Putin believes in a strong Russia has upset the plans of the US, NATO, and Europe for post-Cold War [[hegemony]], predicated as they were on a weak, compliant Russian state.
**[[Scott Ritter]] as quoted in [https://dissidentvoice.org/2022/02/personal-interview-scott-ritter/ What Are The Prospects For Peace?  by John Rachel, ''Dissident Voice''] / February 24th, 2022

* Despite assurances to the contrary, NATO is not a ‘defensive organization’. Even though American memories are short, people elsewhere remember the bombing campaign against Serbia, and the removal of Gaddafi from power in Libya. What NATO is in fact is the military arm of US hegemony, a hegemony that has seen it expand eastwards through Europe, right up to Russia’s very own borders.
** Niccolo Soldo, [https://niccolo.substack.com/p/fuck-it-russias-final-break-with?utm_source=url &quot;Fuck it!&quot; Russia's Final Break With the West], ''Substack'', 24 February 2022

* NATO, originally set up to counter the USSR’s expansion into Europe, was left without a raison d’etre after the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of the USSR. Nevertheless, it pressed on eastwards, and thanks to the CIA and MI6, effected Colour Revolutions to put into power friendly regimes that sought NATO membership in places like Tbilisi and Kiev. Where Colour Revolutions weren’t necessary due to historical grievances against Russia, NATO missile systems pointed at Russia have been set up (Romania and Poland).
** Niccolo Soldo, [https://niccolo.substack.com/p/fuck-it-russias-final-break-with?utm_source=url &quot;Fuck it!&quot; Russia's Final Break With the West], ''Substack'', 24 February 2022

* Bush promised no expansion of NATO. Clinton &amp; Bush II decided expanding NATO was a good idea.
** Fred Watson Jr., [https://theamericansun.com/2022/03/01/weeks-decades/ Weeks &amp; Decades], ''American Sun'', 1 March 2022

==See also==
*[[American exceptionalism]]
*[[Crimes against humanity]]
*[[Hegemony]]
*[[International law]]
*[[Military-industrial complex|Military Industrial complex]]
*[[Nuclear war]]
*[[W:War is a Racket|''War is a Racket'' by  Major General Smedley D. Butler]]
*[[Rule of Law]]
*[[Tyranny]]
*[[War crimes]]
*[[World peace]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* [[w:Enlargement of NATO|Enlargement of NATO]]
* [[w:Russia–NATO relations|Russia–NATO relations]]
* [[w:NATO_Parliamentary_Assembly|NATO Parliamentary Assembly]]  
* [[w:NATO Joint Military Symbology|NATO Joint Military Symbology]] 
* [[w:NATO Missile defence system|NATO missile defence system]]
* [[w:NATO Integrated Air Defense System|NATO Integrated Air Defense System]]
* [[w:NATO Bombing of Yugoslavia|NATO bombing of Yugoslavia]]
* [[w:Legitimacy of the NATO bombing of Yugoslavia|Legitimacy of the NATO bombing of Yugoslavia]]
 
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    <title>It Chapter Two</title>
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'''''{{w|It Chapter Two}}''''' is a [[w:2019 in film|2019 film]] and a sequel to ''[[It (2017 film)|It]]''. When Pennywise rises again 27 years after being defeated by the Losers, they must once again band together as adults to defeat the creature once and for all.

:''Directed by [[w:Andy Muschietti|Andy Muschietti]]. Written by Chase Palmer, [[w:Cary Fukunaga|Cary Fukunaga]], and [[w:Gary Dauberman|Gary Dauberman]], based on [[w:It (novel)|the novel]] by [[Stephen King]].''

{{center|'''It's Back.'''&amp;nbsp; {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

== IT ==
* 27 years, I dreamt of you. [laughs] I craved you. Oh, I missed you! Waiting for this very moment! Time to FLOAT!!!
* ''[to Beverly as she attempts to escape her old home, in the form of Robert “Bob” Gray]'' Run, run, run. You haven't changed anything yet. You haven't changed their futures. You... You haven't saved any of them. ''[putting white clown makeup on his face]'' Close your eyes, Bev. If you don't believe... ''[scratches the red marks onto his face]'' ...close them...and see. ''[laughs manically]''
* Did ya miss me, Richie? 'Cos I've missed you! No one wants to play with the clown anymore. Play a game with me, would ya? How about ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''? Oh, yes, you like that one, don't you? ''[chuckles]'' Or maybe [[w:Truth or dare?|Truth or Dare]]? Oh, you wouldn't want anyone to pick Truth though, would you, Richie? You wouldn't want anyone to know what you're hiding. ''[laughs, then in a creepy sing-song voice to Richie]'' I know your secret! Your dirty little secret! Oh, I know your secret! Your DIRTY little secret! ''[speaking voice]'' Should I tell them, Richie?'''
* Come back and play! COME BACK AND PLAY WITH THE CLOWN!!
* ''[as the Witch/Mrs. Kersh]'' I was always Daddy’s little girl. What about you? Are you still his little girl, Beverly? ARE YOU?!
* ''[to Ben]'' All that success! All those sit-ups! But deep down, still just a little fat, fat, fatty loser! ''[laughs]'' Who always knew he would die alone!
* ''[to Young Bill]'' Why? Because you weren’t there, Billy. ''[laughs]''
* I can smell the stink of your fear!!
* Want a kiss, Richie?
* ''[to Young Ben]'' Kiss me, fat boy.
* I am the eater of worlds!
* ''[last words]'' Look at you... You're all grown up. ''[chuckles weakly]''

== Bill Denbrough ==
* I know you're down there. I know you can... I know you can hear me. There's something I have to know. Of all...all of the kids in this town you could have taken, why G-Ge-Georgie? S-S-S-Say some-Say something! Why him? WHY HIM, WHY HIM, WHY HIM?!

== Richie Tozier ==
* This meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.
* ''[To Ben and Beverly]'' Wow, you two look amazing. What the fuck happened to me?
* Hey! Hey! That fortune cookie's looking at me!
* ''[Pretending to be IT/Pennywise in the clubhouse]'' Hey, Losers! Time to float!
* ''[To IT/Pennywise as he's about to kill Mike]'' Hey, fuckface! You wanna play Truth or Dare? Here's the truth: you're a sloppy bitch! Yeah, that's right! Let's dance! [[w:Die Hard|Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu]]- ''[IT/Pennywise uses the Deadlights on him]''
* Stanley, we're not afraid of fucking spiders. ''[Sees other Losers putting on shower caps]'' I stand corrected.

== Mike Hanlon ==
* Something happens to you when you leave this town. The farther away, the hazier it all gets. But me? I never left. I remember all of it.
* We made an oath. That’s why you’re here. That’s why I brought you all back. To finish It, for good.

== Eddie Kaspbrak ==
* You should cut that fucking mullet! It’s been like thirty years, man!
* ''[when about to throw a spear at IT/Pennywise]'' This kills monsters if you believe it does. If you believe it does. If you believe it does!
* ''[throws spear at IT/Pennywise]'' BEEP BEEP, MOTHERFUCKER!
* ''[before his death] I fucked your mom!''
* ''[while arm wrestling Richie] Let's take our shirts off and kiss!''

== Stanley Uris ==
* ''[THE NOTE]'' Dear Losers, I know what this must seem like, but this isn't a suicide note. You're probably wondering why I did what I did. It's because I knew I was too scared to go back. And if we weren't together, if all of us alive weren't united, I knew we'd all die. So, I made the only logical move: I took myself off the board. Did it work? Well, if you're reading this, you know the answer. I lived my whole life afraid. Afraid of what would come next. Afraid of what I might leave behind. Don't. Be who you wanna be. Be proud. And if you find someone worth holding on to, never ever let them go. Follow your own path, wherever that takes you. Think of this letter as a promise. A promise I'm asking you to make. To me. To each other. An oath. See, the thing about being a loser is you don't have anything to lose. So, be true. Be brave. Stand. Believe, and don't ever forget we're Losers and we always will be.
*[IN BAR MITZVAH] I know I'm a loser. And no matter what, I always fucking will be.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Pennywise''': Hello, Vicky! Isn't that what your friends call you? Vicky? How did I know that? I guess I must be your friend too! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Vicky''': If you're my friend, why are you hiding in the dark? You're not my friend. You're scary.
:''[IT/Pennywise starts pretending to cry]''
:'''Vicky''': Why are you crying?
:'''Pennywise''': People always make fun ‘cos of the way I look. I thought if you couldn’t see my face... maybe you’d want to be my friend. Oh, never mind. Silly old Pennywise, you’ll never have any friends!
:'''Vicky''': People make fun of me too.
:'''Pennywise''': They do?
:'''Vicky''': Because of this. ''[Vicky taps the birthmark on her right cheek]''
:'''Pennywise''': Well, isn't that silly? That little thing? I can blow that thing right away.
:'''Vicky''': You could?
:'''Pennywise''': Oh, yes! One poof and it'd be gone! ''[laughs]'' But you would have to get close enough to see my face... I don't know, Vicky...
:'''Vicky''': It's okay! I won't make fun, I promise!
:'''Pennywise''': Promise promise?
:''[Vicky nods]''
:'''Pennywise''': Well, okey dokey! Just come on in a little closer, and we'll blow it away on the count of 3! 1... 2...
:'''Vicky''': ''[following long pause from IT/Pennywise]'' You're supposed to say thre–
:''[It/Pennywise lunges at her and bites her face, killing her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': I do apologize. It gets so very hot here this time of year.
:'''Beverly''': It's fine.
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': You feel like you could just about die.
:'''Beverly''': Yeah...
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': But you know what they say about Derry. No one who dies here ever really dies! ''[“Mrs. Kersh” freezes while smiling for a moment]'' But tell me: how is it, being back in Derry?
:'''Beverly''': Strange.
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': Strange? Oh, my. 'Strange' how? ''[the oven pings from the kitchen]'' I had some cookies in the oven before you came. Stay right there.
:'''Beverly''': I shouldn't impose, I'm just gonna...
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': No, no, no, no, no! I insist!
:'''Beverly''': Your photos are lovely, Mrs. Kersh. Are these your family?
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': Yes, dear. My fadder came to this country with fourteen dollars in his pocket, and he didn't ask for a handout the way people come in here these days. You know what he did?
:'''Beverly''': What did he do, Mrs. Kersh?
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh”''': My fadder joined the circus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': You okay, new kid?
:'''Ben''': Yeah! No, I'm fine. I guess I'm just... worried that... we're not all going to be the same. After the fight.
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': As long as we can still hang out, who cares?
:'''Ben''': You really mean that?
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': Well, yeah, of course, dummy. ''[&quot;Beverly&quot; takes Ben's hand]'' You and me. ''[Ben leans in to kiss &quot;Beverly&quot; and she backs away]'' Oh, my God! I meant as a friend! You... You actually thought I could like someone as fat and gross and disgusting like you? No matter how many stupid poems you write! ''[Ben turns to &quot;Beverly&quot; to see her head is on fire, Ben runs from the classroom as &quot;Beverly&quot; chases him]'' '''Your hair is winter fire! January embers! My heart burns there too!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Ohh... Nobody wants to kiss the fat boy!
:'''Ben''': Just leave me alone!
:'''Pennywise''': Alone? Oh, you've always been alone. ''[chuckles evilly and sinisterly]''
:'''Ben''': No, that's not true! I have real friends! Bill, Eddie, Mike, Stanley, Richie, Beverly. They're my real friends!
:'''Pennywise''': Kiss me...as if it were the last time! ''[lunges at Ben with sharp fangs and open jaws]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in the basement, Adult Bill has just surfaced and is witnessing a conversation between &quot;his younger self&quot; and ‘’Georgie’’]''
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I lost it, Billy. It just floated off.
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': I'm not... I'm not mad at you.
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': It's your fault what happened, isn't it? You weren't really that sick that morning, were you?
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': No. ''[sobs]'' I just... pre-pretended because I didn't want to play with you. I just didn't want to...
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': You lied, and I died. You lied, and I died! You lied, and I died! You lied, and I died! YOU LIED, AND I DIED!
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': It happened because of me, Georgie! Me!
:'''Adult Bill''': No, no, no, no, it wa...
:''[Adult Bill is confronted with the zombified “Georgie”]''
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': LIED AND DIED! LIED AND DIED! LIED AND DIED! YOOOOOUUUUU L... ''[Adult Bill tries to drown the zombified version of “Georgie”]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Losers arrive at Neibolt to accompany Bill into the house]''
:'''Eddie''': So, does somebody want to say something?
:'''Bill''': Richie said it b-b-b-best when we were here last.
:'''Richie''': I did? I don't wanna die?
:'''Bill''': Not that.
:'''Richie''': You're lucky we're not measuring dicks?
:''[silence]''
:'''Richie''': Let's kill this fucking clown? ''[Bill nods]'' Let's kill this fucking clown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richie''': Listen to me. You had a moment? Fine. But who killed a psychotic clown before he was fourteen?
:'''Eddie''': Me.
:'''Richie''': Who stabbed Bowers with a knife he pulled out of his own face?
:'''Eddie''': Also me.
:'''Richie''': Who married a woman ten times his own body mass?
:'''Eddie''': Me.
:'''Richie''': Yeah. You're braver than you think.
:'''Eddie''': Thanks, Richie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after the Ritual of Chüd]''
:'''Pennywise''': Boo! ''[chuckles]'' Oh, did it work, Mikey? Did it work? ''[laughs]'' Tell them why your silly little ritual didn't work! Tell them it's all just a... What's the word, Eds? Gazebo?
:'''Eddie''': Mike, what's he talking about?
:'''Bill''': M-M-Mikey?
:'''Pennywise''': Oh, Mikey, you never showed them the fourth side, did you? ''[chuckles]'' Didn't want them to know what actually happened to the poor Shokopiwah? Yum, nyum, nyum, nyum!
:''[IT/Pennywise shows them the first Ritual of Chüd, but with IT/Pennywise killing the Shokopiwah]''
:'''Bill''': Fuck, Mikey, you lied to us ''again?!''
:'''Mike''': They... they didn't - they didn't believe they could kill him! That's why it didn't work back then!
:'''Richie''': ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, MIKE?!
:'''Mike''': We hurt him!
:'''Richie''': FUCK!
:'''Bill''': Fuck you, Mikey!
:'''Mike''': I needed something! Anything for us to remember! Anything for us to believe!
:'''Richie''': FUCK!
:'''Bill''': Damn it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beverly''': January embers.
:'''Ben''': My heart burns there, too.
:'''Beverly''': It was you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Miss me?
:'''Mike''': I know what you are. That's why I'm not afraid.
:'''Pennywise''': ''[chuckles]'' I know what you are: a madman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Gotcha! You filthy little children! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Ben''': ''[to Mike]'' You got a plan B, man? What the hell do we do now?
:'''Pennywise''': Die, that's what you do!
:'''Bill''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': There's... There's more than one way to make someone small.
:'''Pennywise''': ''[amused]'' Oh?
:'''Beverly''': Make him believe that he is.
:'''Bill''': W-Wha-What?!
:'''Mike''': Make him believe that he is!
:'''Pennywise''': Oh? Me, small?! ''[laughs]'' I am the eater of worlds!
:'''Mike''': Not to us, you're not. You're just a clown.

== Cast ==
* {{w|James McAvoy}} - {{w|Bill Denbrough}}
** {{w|Jaeden Martell}} (young)
* [[Jessica Chastain]] - Beverly Marsh
** {{w|Sophia Lillis}} (young)
* {{w|Bill Hader}} - {{w|Richie Tozier}}
** {{w|Finn Wolfhard}} (young)
* {{w|Isaiah Mustafa}} - Mike Hanlon
** {{w|Chosen Jacobs}} (young)
* [[w:Jay Ryan (actor)|Jay Ryan]] - Ben Hanscom
** {{w|Jeremy Ray Taylor}} (young)
* {{w|James Ransone}} - Eddie Kaspbrak
** {{w|Jack Dylan Grazer}} (young)
* [[w:Andy Bean (actor)|Andy Bean]] - Stanley Uris
** {{w|Wyatt Oleff}} (young)
* [[Bill Skarsgård]] - [[w:It (character)|Pennywise]]
* [[Javier Botet]] - Hobo the Leper / The Witch
* Jackson Robert Scott - Dead Georgie
* Joan Gregson - Mrs. Kersh
* {{w|Owen Teague}} - Dead Hockstetter
* Teach Grant - Henry Bowers
** {{w|Nicholas Hamilton}} (young)
* Molly Atkinson - Sonia / Myra Kaspbrak
* Luke Roessler - Dean
* {{w|Xavier Dolan}} - Adrian Mellon
* Taylor Frey - Don Hagarty
* {{w|Jake Weary}} - Webby
* {{w|Jess Weixler}} - Audra Denbrough
* Will Beinbrink - Tom Rogan
* Stephen Bogaert - Mr. Marsh
* Joe Bostick - Mr. Keene
* Juno Rinaldi - Gretta Keene
** {{w|Megan Charpentier}} (young)

== Taglines ==
* It's Back.
* It Ends
* Witness the end of It.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

* {{IMDb title|id=7349950|title=It Chapter Two}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=it_chapter_two|title=It Chapter Two}}

{{Media based on Stephen King works}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Stephen King]]
[[Category:Supernatural horror films]]
[[Category:Films about clowns]]
[[Category:Films directed by Andy Muschietti]]
[[Category:Films about domestic violence]]
[[Category:Films set in Maine]]</text>
      <sha1>nk0p258ksj18nsme9ofin2hja7lu1m8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150611</id>
      <parentid>3150609</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T11:42:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>MrAradDogger</username>
        <id>3128577</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14085" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|It Chapter Two}}''''' is a [[w:2019 in film|2019 film]] and a sequel to ''[[It (2017 film)|It]]''. When Pennywise rises again 27 years after being defeated by the Losers, they must once again band together as adults to defeat the creature once and for all.

:''Directed by [[w:Andy Muschietti|Andy Muschietti]]. Written by Chase Palmer, [[w:Cary Fukunaga|Cary Fukunaga]], and [[w:Gary Dauberman|Gary Dauberman]], based on [[w:It (novel)|the novel]] by [[Stephen King]].''

{{center|'''It's Back.'''&amp;nbsp; {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

== IT ==
* 27 years, I dreamt of you. [laughs] I craved you. Oh, I missed you! Waiting for this very moment! Time to FLOAT!!!
* ''[to Beverly as she attempts to escape her old home, in the form of Robert “Bob” Gray]'' Run, run, run. You haven't changed anything yet. You haven't changed their futures. You... You haven't saved any of them. ''[putting white clown makeup on his face]'' Close your eyes, Bev. If you don't believe... ''[scratches the red marks onto his face]'' ...close them...and see. ''[laughs manically]''
* Did ya miss me, Richie? 'Cos I've missed you! No one wants to play with the clown anymore. Play a game with me, would ya? How about ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''? Oh, yes, you like that one, don't you? ''[chuckles]'' Or maybe [[w:Truth or dare?|Truth or Dare]]? Oh, you wouldn't want anyone to pick Truth though, would you, Richie? You wouldn't want anyone to know what you're hiding. ''[laughs, then in a creepy sing-song voice to Richie]'' I know your secret! Your dirty little secret! Oh, I know your secret! Your DIRTY little secret! ''[speaking voice]'' Should I tell them, Richie?'''
* Come back and play! COME BACK AND PLAY WITH THE CLOWN!!
* ''[as the Witch/Mrs. Kersh]'' I was always Daddy’s little girl. What about you? Are you still his little girl, Beverly? ARE YOU?!
* ''[to Ben]'' All that success! All those sit-ups! But deep down, still just a little fat, fat, fatty loser! ''[laughs]'' Who always knew he would die alone!
* ''[to Young Bill]'' Why? Because you weren’t there, Billy. ''[laughs]''
* I can smell the stink of your fear!!
* Want a kiss, Richie?
* ''[to Young Ben]'' Kiss me, fat boy.
* I am the eater of worlds!
* ''[last words]'' Look at you... You're all grown up. ''[chuckles weakly]''

== Bill Denbrough ==
* I know you're down there. I know you can... I know you can hear me. There's something I have to know. Of all...all of the kids in this town you could have taken, why G-Ge-Georgie? S-S-S-Say some-Say something! Why him? WHY HIM, WHY HIM, WHY HIM?!

== Richie Tozier ==
* This meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.
* ''[To Ben and Beverly]'' Wow, you two look amazing. What the fuck happened to me?
* Hey! Hey! That fortune cookie's looking at me!
* ''[Pretending to be IT/Pennywise in the clubhouse]'' Hey, Losers! Time to float!
* ''[To IT/Pennywise as he's about to kill Mike]'' Hey, fuckface! You wanna play Truth or Dare? Here's the truth: you're a sloppy bitch! Yeah, that's right! Let's dance! [[w:Die Hard|Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu]]- ''[IT/Pennywise uses the Deadlights on him]''
* Stanley, we're not afraid of fucking spiders. ''[Sees other Losers putting on shower caps]'' I stand corrected.

== Mike Hanlon ==
* Something happens to you when you leave this town. The farther away, the hazier it all gets. But me? I never left. I remember all of it.
* We made an oath. That’s why you’re here. That’s why I brought you all back. To finish It, for good.

== Eddie Kaspbrak ==
* You should cut that fucking mullet! It’s been like thirty years, man!
* ''[when about to throw a spear at IT/Pennywise]'' This kills monsters if you believe it does. If you believe it does. If you believe it does!
* ''[throws spear at IT/Pennywise]'' BEEP BEEP, MOTHERFUCKER!
* ''[before his death] I fucked your mom!''
* ''[while arm wrestling Richie] Let's take our shirts off and kiss!''

== Stanley Uris ==
* ''[THE NOTE]'' Dear Losers, I know what this must seem like, but this isn't a suicide note. You're probably wondering why I did what I did. It's because I knew I was too scared to go back. And if we weren't together, if all of us alive weren't united, I knew we'd all die. So, I made the only logical move: I took myself off the board. Did it work? Well, if you're reading this, you know the answer. I lived my whole life afraid. Afraid of what would come next. Afraid of what I might leave behind. Don't. Be who you wanna be. Be proud. And if you find someone worth holding on to, never ever let them go. Follow your own path, wherever that takes you. Think of this letter as a promise. A promise I'm asking you to make. To me. To each other. An oath. See, the thing about being a loser is you don't have anything to lose. So, be true. Be brave. Stand. Believe, and don't ever forget we're Losers and we always will be.
*[IN BAR MITZVAH] I know I'm a loser. And no matter what, I always fucking will be.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Pennywise''': Hello, Vicky! Isn't that what your friends call you? Vicky? How did I know that? I guess I must be your friend too! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Vicky''': If you're my friend, why are you hiding in the dark? You're not my friend. You're scary.
:''[IT/Pennywise starts pretending to cry]''
:'''Vicky''': Why are you crying?
:'''Pennywise''': People always make fun ‘cos of the way I look. I thought if you couldn’t see my face... maybe you’d want to be my friend. Oh, never mind. Silly old Pennywise, you’ll never have any friends!
:'''Vicky''': People make fun of me too.
:'''Pennywise''': They do?
:'''Vicky''': Because of this. ''[Vicky taps the birthmark on her right cheek]''
:'''Pennywise''': Isn't that silly? That little thing? I can blow that thing right away.
:'''Vicky''': You could?
:'''Pennywise''': Oh, yes! One poof and it'd be gone! ''[laughs]'' But you would have to get close enough to see my face... I don't know, Vicky...
:'''Vicky''': It's okay! I won't make fun, I promise!
:'''Pennywise''': Promise promise?
:''[Vicky nods]''
:'''Pennywise''': Well, okey dokey! Just come on in a little closer, and we'll blow it away on the count of 3! 1... 2...
:'''Vicky''': ''[following long pause from IT/Pennywise]'' You're supposed to say thre–
:''[It/Pennywise lunges at her and bites her face, killing her]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': I do apologize. It gets so very hot here this time of year.
:'''Beverly''': It's fine.
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': You feel like you could just about die.
:'''Beverly''': Yeah...
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': But you know what they say about Derry. No one who dies here ever really dies! ''[“Mrs. Kersh” freezes while smiling for a moment]'' But tell me: how is it, being back in Derry?
:'''Beverly''': Strange.
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': Strange? Oh, my. 'Strange' how? ''[the oven pings from the kitchen]'' I had some cookies in the oven before you came. Stay right there.
:'''Beverly''': I shouldn't impose, I'm just gonna...
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': No, no, no, no, no! I insist!
:'''Beverly''': Your photos are lovely, Mrs. Kersh. Are these your family?
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh&quot;''': Yes, dear. My fadder came to this country with fourteen dollars in his pocket, and he didn't ask for a handout the way people come in here these days. You know what he did?
:'''Beverly''': What did he do, Mrs. Kersh?
:'''&quot;Mrs Kersh”''': My fadder joined the circus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': You okay, new kid?
:'''Ben''': Yeah! No, I'm fine. I guess I'm just... worried that... we're not all going to be the same. After the fight.
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': As long as we can still hang out, who cares?
:'''Ben''': You really mean that?
:'''&quot;Beverly&quot;''': Well, yeah, of course, dummy. ''[&quot;Beverly&quot; takes Ben's hand]'' You and me. ''[Ben leans in to kiss &quot;Beverly&quot; and she backs away]'' Oh, my God! I meant as a friend! You... You actually thought I could like someone as fat and gross and disgusting like you? No matter how many stupid poems you write! ''[Ben turns to &quot;Beverly&quot; to see her head is on fire, Ben runs from the classroom as &quot;Beverly&quot; chases him]'' '''Your hair is winter fire! January embers! My heart burns there too!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Ohh... Nobody wants to kiss the fat boy!
:'''Ben''': Just leave me alone!
:'''Pennywise''': Alone? Oh, you've always been alone. ''[chuckles evilly and sinisterly]''
:'''Ben''': That's not true! I have real friends! Bill, Eddie, Mike, Stanley, Richie, Beverly. They're my real friends!
:'''Pennywise''': Kiss me...as if it were the last time! ''[lunges at Ben with sharp fangs and open jaws]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[in the basement, Adult Bill has just surfaced and is witnessing a conversation between &quot;his younger self&quot; and ‘’Georgie’’]''
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': I lost it, Billy. It just floated off.
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': I'm not... I'm not mad at you.
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': It's your fault what happened, isn't it? You weren't really that sick that morning, were you?
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': No. ''[sobs]'' I just... pre-pretended because I didn't want to play with you. I just didn't want to...
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': You lied, and I died. You lied, and I died! You lied, and I died! You lied, and I died! YOU LIED, AND I DIED!
:'''&quot;Young Bill&quot;''': It happened because of me, Georgie! Me!
:'''Adult Bill''': No, no, no, no, it wa...
:''[Adult Bill is confronted with the zombified “Georgie”]''
:'''&quot;Georgie&quot;''': LIED AND DIED! LIED AND DIED! LIED AND DIED! YOOOOOUUUUU L... ''[Adult Bill tries to drown the zombified version of “Georgie”]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Losers arrive at Neibolt to accompany Bill into the house]''
:'''Eddie''': So, does somebody want to say something?
:'''Bill''': Richie said it b-b-b-best when we were here last.
:'''Richie''': I did? I don't wanna die?
:'''Bill''': Not that.
:'''Richie''': You're lucky we're not measuring dicks?
:''[silence]''
:'''Richie''': Let's kill this fucking clown? ''[Bill nods]'' Let's kill this fucking clown.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richie''': Listen to me. You had a moment? Fine. But who killed a psychotic clown before he was fourteen?
:'''Eddie''': Me.
:'''Richie''': Who stabbed Bowers with a knife he pulled out of his own face?
:'''Eddie''': Also me.
:'''Richie''': Who married a woman ten times his own body mass?
:'''Eddie''': Me.
:'''Richie''': Yeah. You're braver than you think.
:'''Eddie''': Thanks, Richie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after the Ritual of Chüd]''
:'''Pennywise''': Boo! ''[chuckles]'' Oh, did it work, Mikey? Did it work? ''[laughs]'' Tell them why your silly little ritual didn't work! Tell them it's all just a... What's the word, Eds? Gazebo?
:'''Eddie''': Mike, what's he talking about?
:'''Bill''': M-M-Mikey?
:'''Pennywise''': Oh, Mikey, you never showed them the fourth side, did you? ''[chuckles]'' Didn't want them to know what actually happened to the poor Shokopiwah? Yum, nyum, nyum, nyum!
:''[IT/Pennywise shows them the first Ritual of Chüd, but with IT/Pennywise killing the Shokopiwah]''
:'''Bill''': Fuck, Mikey, you lied to us ''again?!''
:'''Mike''': They... they didn't - they didn't believe they could kill him! That's why it didn't work back then!
:'''Richie''': ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, MIKE?!
:'''Mike''': We hurt him!
:'''Richie''': FUCK!
:'''Bill''': Fuck you, Mikey!
:'''Mike''': I needed something! Anything for us to remember! Anything for us to believe!
:'''Richie''': FUCK!
:'''Bill''': Damn it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Beverly''': January embers.
:'''Ben''': My heart burns there, too.
:'''Beverly''': It was you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Miss me?
:'''Mike''': I know what you are. That's why I'm not afraid.
:'''Pennywise''': ''[chuckles]'' I know what you are: a madman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pennywise''': Gotcha! You filthy little children! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Ben''': ''[to Mike]'' You got a plan B, man? What the hell do we do now?
:'''Pennywise''': Die, that's what you do!
:'''Bill''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': There's... There's more than one way to make someone small.
:'''Pennywise''': ''[amused]'' Oh?
:'''Beverly''': Make him believe that he is.
:'''Bill''': W-Wha-What?!
:'''Mike''': Make him believe that he is!
:'''Pennywise''': Oh? Me, small?! ''[laughs]'' I am the eater of worlds!
:'''Mike''': Not to us, you're not. You're just a clown.

== Cast ==
* {{w|James McAvoy}} - {{w|Bill Denbrough}}
** {{w|Jaeden Martell}} (young)
* [[Jessica Chastain]] - Beverly Marsh
** {{w|Sophia Lillis}} (young)
* {{w|Bill Hader}} - {{w|Richie Tozier}}
** {{w|Finn Wolfhard}} (young)
* {{w|Isaiah Mustafa}} - Mike Hanlon
** {{w|Chosen Jacobs}} (young)
* [[w:Jay Ryan (actor)|Jay Ryan]] - Ben Hanscom
** {{w|Jeremy Ray Taylor}} (young)
* {{w|James Ransone}} - Eddie Kaspbrak
** {{w|Jack Dylan Grazer}} (young)
* [[w:Andy Bean (actor)|Andy Bean]] - Stanley Uris
** {{w|Wyatt Oleff}} (young)
* [[Bill Skarsgård]] - [[w:It (character)|Pennywise]]
* [[Javier Botet]] - Hobo the Leper / The Witch
* Jackson Robert Scott - Dead Georgie
* Joan Gregson - Mrs. Kersh
* {{w|Owen Teague}} - Dead Hockstetter
* Teach Grant - Henry Bowers
** {{w|Nicholas Hamilton}} (young)
* Molly Atkinson - Sonia / Myra Kaspbrak
* Luke Roessler - Dean
* {{w|Xavier Dolan}} - Adrian Mellon
* Taylor Frey - Don Hagarty
* {{w|Jake Weary}} - Webby
* {{w|Jess Weixler}} - Audra Denbrough
* Will Beinbrink - Tom Rogan
* Stephen Bogaert - Mr. Marsh
* Joe Bostick - Mr. Keene
* Juno Rinaldi - Gretta Keene
** {{w|Megan Charpentier}} (young)

== Taglines ==
* It's Back.
* It Ends
* Witness the end of It.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

* {{IMDb title|id=7349950|title=It Chapter Two}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=it_chapter_two|title=It Chapter Two}}

{{Media based on Stephen King works}}

[[Category:2019 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Stephen King]]
[[Category:Supernatural horror films]]
[[Category:Films about clowns]]
[[Category:Films directed by Andy Muschietti]]
[[Category:Films about domestic violence]]
[[Category:Films set in Maine]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>DuckTales (2017 TV series)</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:14:34Z</timestamp>
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        <username>Timmy.swartley.8</username>
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'''''[[w:DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]''''' (2017–21) is an animated series developed by Matt Youngberg, and Francisco Angones, for Disney XD, and produced by Disney Television animation. The series is a reboot of the [[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|1987 animated show of the same name]], which follows the adventures of Scrooge McDuck, and his family.

== Season 1 ==
===Woo-oo!===
:'''Donald''': Stop helping me. And put on your life vests! What if the boat goes down while the babysitter's here?
:'''Huey &amp; Louie''': ''[in unison]'' Yes, Uncle Donald.
:''[Huey fetches two stiff, puffy life vests and he and Louie put them on]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donald''': Where's Dewey?
:'''Louie''': Sleeping.
:'''Huey''': Who's Dewey?
:'''Louie''': ''[slowly turns to look at Huey as Donald brushes past them]'' &quot;Who's Dewey&quot;?
:''[Engine room, Dewey is hot-wiring the motor]''
:'''Dewey''': All right, boys, we'll get to Cape Suzette and back before anyone realizes we're gone. So long, Dorkburg! Hello... ''[notices Donald looking at him, miffed]'' Uncle Donald? ''[waves nervously]'' What - what's up?
:'''Donald''': ''[shoves the triplets into the backseat of the car]'' I can't leave you boys alone for one minute.
:'''Dewey''': You were supposed to get him out by 10:00, Hubert!
:'''Huey''': You were supposed to signal before you started the boat, Dewford!
:'''Louie''': We never get to do anything. 
:'''Donald''': Boys, if we want to keep our home afloat...  ''[sighs]'' we've all got to do things we don't want to do. ''[inputs a destination for McDuck Manor in the car's GPS]''
:'''Huey''': McDuck Manor?! As in ''Scrooge McDuck''?!
:'''Dewey''': The bajillionaire?!
:'''Louie''': You're finally gonna sell us.
:'''Donald''': I'm not gonna sell you. ''[sighs]'' He owes me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge McDuck''': Donald Duck.
:'''Donald''': Uncle Scrooge.
:'''Huey''': '''Uncle''' Scrooge!?
:''[The triplets cheer happily, with Dewey coming out onto the car's roof, rolling over to the other side, and then coming back in through it.]''
:'''Donald''': So, '''you're''' looking good.
:'''Scrooge''' Still living on that boat?
:'''Donald''': Yep. Still a trillionaire? ''[Scrooge points to some exotic fowl in his yard]'' Good, good. So...
:'''Scrooge''': So... Jettison that jalopy from my driveway this instant, ''you deadbeat!''
:'''Donald''': Oh, here we go! Giving orders like he's the richest duck in the world!
:'''Scrooge''': I '''am''' the richest duck in the world! Now move!
:'''Donald''': I would love to. It just so happens I have a job interview.
:'''Scrooge''': So why are you standing there yelling?
:'''Donald''': Mrs. B. said you would watch the boys. Can you do that without losing them?!
:'''Scrooge''': Of course I can!
:'''Donald''': Fantastic! Thank you ''so'' much!
:'''Scrooge''': You're welcome! Wait, what now?
:'''Donald''': ''[brings the triplets out]'' Huey, Dewey, Louie, meet Scrooge McDuck. Remember, no tricks, no lies, no trouble.
:'''Huey, Dewey, and Louie''': Yes, Uncle Donald.
:'''Donald''': I wasn't talking to '''you'''. ''[glares daggers at Scrooge, who returns the gesture]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': So, do children still like marbles or...?
:'''Huey''': Are you really our uncle?
:'''Dewey''': How old are you?
:'''Louie''': What's your net worth?
:'''Huey''': What's the deal with you and Uncle Donald?
:'''Louie''': Ooh, is that fork real silver? Can I have it?
:'''Huey''': How come you never visit?
:'''Louie''': Oh, 'cause you're so old and moving is so hard?
:'''Dewey''': You owe us, like, a lot of birthday presents.
:'''Louie''': You used to be a big deal! Whatever happened to you?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[abruptly smacks his paper down on the table]'' Beakley!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bentina Beakley''': Please do not leave the designated play area. ''[gives the boys a bag of marbles]'' A gift from your great-uncle. You will return them upon your departure. He's counted them. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Webby Vanderquack''': Huey, Dewey, and Louie Duck. Scrooge McDuck's great-nephews on his sister Hortense's side, with Quackmore Duck, twice removed.
:'''Dewey''': And you are?
:'''Webby''': Oh, right. Webby Vanderquack. My granny's the housekeeper. Wait! Are we friends now?
:'''Huey''': If we say &quot;yes&quot;, will you let us live?
:'''Webby''': Pfft! Good one, new best friend.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Scrooge struggles to put on an old dive suit]''
:'''Beakley''': A little spring cleaning?
:'''Scrooge''': Maybe. Maybe not. Read this. 
:'''Beakley''': Snow. On the Drake Barrier Reef.
:'''Scrooge''': First time in 50 years. That weather report aligns perfectly with the Papia Prophecy. A shift in currents may present a pathway to Atlantis! Lost city under the sea!
:'''Beakley''': This is because some children made fun of you, isn't it?
:'''Scrooge''': Nonsense. I'm no has-been, they're the has-beens. I am an am-now!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Launchpad McQuack''': ''[repeated line]'' I'm a pilot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Any questions?
:'''Scrooge''': Since when is Launchpad a pilot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': In the short time I've known you, you've wrecked my home and my money bin, unleashed several ancient evils, and almost got me killed. Twice. 
:'''Huey''': Four times if you count each monster as an individual time. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': You kids are nothing but trouble! Curse me kilts, have I missed trouble. I suppose I'll have to keep an eye on you to teach you how to get into trouble properly.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Flintheart Glomgold''': Glomgold Industries: Take an idea, make it your own. Better, faster, cheaper, that's the motto of the world's most beloved Scottish billionaire duck... Flintheart Glomgold!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Webby''': ''[after Louie lies on the phone to Donald about what they've been doing]'' Why didn't you tell him the truth?
:'''Louie''': You didn't tell your grandma we were going to a dangerous underwater city, did you?
:'''Webby''': I kinda sorta... didn't tell her anything?
:'''Louie''': Webby, that's irresponsible! She'll be worried sick! Call your grandma this instant, and tell her that you are spending the night at a friend's house, okay? Lying. It's the responsible thing to do. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Launchpad, have you ever piloted a sub before?
:'''Launchpad''':  I sunk a helicopter in a wave pool once. Same thing?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[sigh]'' I've done more with less.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Mr. McQuack, chart the course. Next stop, the lost city of Atlantis!
:''[everybody cheers]''
:'''Scrooge''': In about 16 hours!
:'''Huey''': ''[pressing play on a radio]'' Shanty time!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[when Glomgold discovers Scrooge on his boat via surveillance footage]''
:'''Donald''': Scrooge?! What is he doing here?
:'''Glomgold''': Strange weather patterns in a mysterious location near treasure. I knew he couldn't resist. Hack, triangulate their sub's course. We'll tail Scrooge, and steal the jewel out from under him.
:''[the surveillance footage reveals Huey, Dewey, and Louie]''
:'''Donald''': The boys?! Wait 'til I get my hands on- ''[angry squawking]'' ''I'M GONNA KILL HIM!''
:'''Glomgold''': Oh, better idea! Nab the jewel, ''and'' kill them all. Somebody's angling for employee of the month. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Louie''': Just call your grandma already! It's no big deal. ''[calls Beakley and gives Webby the phone]'' Remember, you're at a friend's house, okay? You got this. 
:'''Webby''': ''[speed-talking]'' Hi, Granny, I'm spending the night at a friend's house, so nothing is wrong!
:'''Louie''': Oh, you ''don't'' got this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[stuck in front of a booby-trapped bridge]''
:'''Scrooge''': We'll find another route, it's not safe for amateur adventures. 
:'''Dewey''': That sounds like a challenge. 
:'''Scrooge''': I have to stress, that is not a challenge. 
:'''Dewey''': ...is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
:'''Scrooge''': There is no challenge!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Maybe I could just hire some family. Then they'd have to listen to me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[after Glomgold claims the Jewel of Atlantis]'' Who's that?
:'''Scrooge''': Flintheart Glomgold, the poor man's version of me. Which, to be fair, still makes him insanely rich. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as the treasure room floods with water]''
:'''Donald''': I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust you with the boys!
:'''Scrooge''': Not the time, Donald. 
:'''Donald''': Crazy old man, all you care about is your next adventure! This is the ''Spear of Selene'' all over again!
:'''Scrooge''': I was ''not'' responsible for the ''Spear of Selene''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': Hey team. Wanted to thank you all for keeping Scrooge's kin busy while I escaped with the jewel and blow up Atlantis with my most hated rival inside.
:'''Hack''': But I thought employees were greatest treasure of all. 
:'''Glomgold''': Don't be ridiculous. Treasure is the greatest treasure of all. That's why it's called treasure.  Glomgold out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Now Donald, don't-
:'''Donald''': Stop. I admit, I'm a little overprotective. 
:'''Louie''': A little?
:'''Donald''': No matter what I do, these boys will get into trouble, so maybe you could teach them how to get out of trouble. 
:'''Huey''': Uncle Donald?
:'''Donald''': It might be okay if the boys saw you every once in a while. ''[Huey, Dewey, and Louie cheer]'' Sometimes, like birthdays, or federal holidays, nothing too- ''[Donald's boat explodes in the distance]'' 
:'''Dewey''': Ohhh, I may have left the engine running in the houseboat.
:'''Scrooge''': I may have a dozen or so spare bedrooms in the mansion.
:''[Donald chuckles, and the boys cheer again]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Roxanne Featherly''': There you have it. Reclusive adventure capitalist Scrooge McDuck is back, with family in tow, solving mysteries, and rewriting history.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after he reveals a hidden part of a portrait]''
:'''Dewey''': Mom?

===Daytrip of Doom!===
:'''Louie''': ''[after triggering a trap in a nerf dart game, set by Webby]'' You set traps? It's just a game!
:'''Webby''' ''[hanging from a chandelier, wearing thermal goggles]'' If you're not a player, you're a pawn!
:'''Dewey''': Webby, maybe take it down a notch. 
:'''Webby''': TELL THAT TO MY MEN YOU CAPTURED IN PEKING!
:'''Dewey''': What?
:'''Webby''': It's part of my character's backstory. Grizzled ex-special forces pulled out of retirement for revenge. What's yours?
:'''Dewey''': My guy has a dart gun?
:'''Webby''': Not anymore. ''[shoots Dewey]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as the kids destroy the mansion in their war game]''
:'''Beakley''': Sir, this is out of control!
:'''Scrooge''': Kids will be kids. For everyone's happiness, we've all got to make sacrifices.
:''[He opens the door to the bathroom, where Donald is already in the tub, taking a bath while doing his laundry at the same time.]''
:'''Donald''': ''[hums to himself before noticing Scrooge]'' Um, ocupado.
:'''Scrooge''': ''[furiously]'' House meeting! '''Now!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Dewey invites Webby to Funso's Fun Zone]''
:'''Louie''': I don't know, Webby's great for treasure hunting and mine cart chases, but she's not exactly built for everyday kids stuff.
:'''Huey''': I still see the darts when I close my eyes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Webby''': I am both uking, AND puking!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ma Beagle''': How did someone so brilliant raise such morons?
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': ''[to Burger Beagle]'' I think she's talkin' 'bout you. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Huey''': Who are these guys?
:'''Webby''': The Beagle Boys. They hate your uncle. Try to break into the mansion all the time.
:'''Dewey''': Are they going to ransom us?
:'''Louie''': Scrooge will never pay for all four of us!
:'''Webby''': Ah, you're right. He'll probably throw one of us off a cliff to send Scrooge a message. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[after Webby knocks out Big Time Beagle]''
:'''Huey''': You could slip out of those ropes the whole time?
:'''Webby''': Well, yeah. That's like, Being Captured 101.
:'''Louie''': So why didn't you?
:'''Webby''': Because, I don't want you to think I'm weird. I've been stuck in the mansion for so long, and I'm trying really hard to be normal. But everything I do is, you know, not.
:'''Dewey''': Normal's overrated. 
:'''Louie''': We need you to be Webby-normal.
:''[Webby smiles and unties the boys]''
:'''Webby''': ''[putting on her thermal goggles]'' I'm going to break every bone in her body. Or maybe just tie her up. We'll see how it plays out.

===The Great Dime Chase!===
:'''Louie''': ''[watching television]'' Ugh, this show is so dumb. 
:'''Scrooge''': You could always turn off the telly.
:'''Louie''': Ah, the remote's way over there. ''[glances at the remote, just barely out of reach; he grunts as he tries to reach it]'' Oh, forget it. 
:'''Scrooge''': Any big plans for today?
:'''Louie''': ''[yawns]'' Thought I'd move to the big TV in a few hours. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Gold is a beautiful thing, but even something as small as a dime can have meaning. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[catching Louie before he dives into the Money Bin]'' Are you out of your head?! You'll crack your skull open. 
:'''Louie''': But you swim in money all the time.
:'''Scrooge''': Yes, but I worked hard to perfect that skill, building muscles and dexterity. If you want something, you work hard to get it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bradford Buzzard''': ''[after Gyro interrupts a business meeting]'' I'm sorry, but we-
:'''Gyro Gearloose''': Apology accepted, now try to keep up with my mind-numbing genius.
:'''Scrooge''': Gyro, what did we say about interacting with other people?
:'''Gyro''': ''[scoffs]'' The cards. Fine. ''[takes out index cards and begins reading]'' &quot;Hello, Mr. McDuck... and others. Are you tired of all those single-use gadgets cluttering up your junk drawer? What a mess! There's got to be a better way!&quot; ''[pulls out a small robot]'' Meet Lil' Bulb. A tiny, all-purpose robot that does it all. 
:'''Bradford''': Wait, what does it do?
:'''Gyro''': ''It. All.'' Lil' Bulb is an artificially intelligent personal robot helper. He can make toast, find your keys, serve as a book light for your late-night reading. You'll never have to do anything yourself again.
:'''Bradford''': Mmhmm. And how will you ensure this one won't achieve sentience and turn evil like all the others?
:'''Gyro''': Only half my inventions turn evil. The other half are just wildly misunderstood. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': A robot that does everything for you? How could you say no to that?
:'''Scrooge''': Part of hard work is knowing how to work with others. My board are the only people cheaper than I am. I trust them completely to make good financial decisions-
:'''Bradford''': Indeed. Which is why we've called this meeting to discuss cutting your unnecessary spending here at the Money Bin. 
:'''Scrooge''': ''Unnecessary?!'' I'm Scrooge McDuck! I don't spend one penny more than I need to!
:'''Bradford''': It says here you're spending 15 million dollars on magical defense. 
:'''Scrooge''': Do you have any idea how many vengeance curses I have on my head?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': $1.10?! Who keeps dimes on them anymore? Sweet, Scrooge has an emergency dime. I'll pay you back later.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bradford''': But how do you justify spending $5000 on a velvet pillow for a dime?
:'''Scrooge''': That dime deserves its own velvet pillow! It's my number-one dime. The first dime I ever earned. I was a young shoeshine in Glasgow when a man came in, his boots cemented in mud. I worked, and worked until those boots sparkled. In return, he gave me an American dime. That dime inspired me to move to America and find my fortune. It means more to me than every bit of bullion in my Money Bin.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Louie! Where have you been? Trying to get out of work again?
:'''Louie''': What? ''No!'' I just, um... uh, filled up my notepad with all that precious business wisdom, so I went to go find another. 
:'''Scrooge''': Good lad! Feel free to take as many pads as you want. ''[to the boardroom]'' Or are we not  allowed to use those either, ya penny-pinching buzzards?! ''[slams door, but immediately opens again]''  No, but really, make sure to use the front and back of every page. ''[closes the door, but opens it again]'' And write small. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': If you can find me 3000 gallons of silver polish for cheaper, ''I'd love to hear about it!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Quackfaster''': Foolish child! You do not know what you think you know. 
:'''Dewey''': I don't know anything, and it's really frustrating!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': Look, a distraction!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': You cannot get rid of the Bin. You may think they're crackpots and weirdos, but they're the ones who push innovation and creativity, and spur this company ever forward. 
:''[the Lil' Bulb dime robot crashes into the room]''
:'''Gyro''': Just a little malfunction! Definitely not evil! 
:''[the robot leaves]''
:'''Scrooge''': Look, they're all mad as loons, and if you fire them, they're definitely going to seek revenge. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': I don't understand. It should be here somewhere. 
:'''Dewey''': Wait, these books. They're all out of order. Quackfaster's a lot of things, but she's not sloppy.
:'''Quackfaster''': ''[offscreen]'' Use your training. The most valuable knowledge must be earned. 
:'''Dewey''': Okay, how much of this is about us doing your work for you?
:'''Quackfaster''': About 50%.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I'm proud of you, lad. You put in a full day at the office. I think you've earned this. ''[gives Louie his dime]''
:'''Louie''': You're giving me your number-one dime?
:'''Scrooge''': Ha! That's not not my lucky dime. I never let my dime out of my sight.  ''[pulls out a necklace with the dime in it]'' That was just a decoy. I'm not an idiot, this place is full of lunatics.

===The Beagle Birthday Massacre!===
:'''Huey''': ''[double checking supplies in the boat]'' Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen. 
:'''Webby''': Hot dog costumes! ''[puts life vests covered in hot dogs in the boat]''
:'''Huey''': I'm sorry, what?
:'''Webby''': You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Louie, goes mad with hunger, we'll put these on. Louie hates hot dogs, so he probably won't eat us. 
:'''Huey''': Are you saying that Louie would rather eat us than hot dogs?
:'''Louie''': I ''do'' hate hot dogs. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': ''[carrying an armful of messages in bottles]'' I'm here to save either a sailor, group of sailors, or a shark from a sea serpent, pirate, M-agent, and or scurvy!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Webby does parkour to retrieve a bottle]''
:'''Lena Sabrewing''': That was actually pretty cool. Are you, like, in the circus?
:'''Webby''': Circus acrobats keep elephant hairs in their pockets for good luck. I don't know why I just told you that, or why I'm still talking, or why I pointed out the fact that I'm still talking, or-

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Webby opens a gate]''
:'''Webby''': Got it!
:'''Lena''': Nice. ''[holds up a fist]''
:'''Webby''': ''[obviously very excited for the fist bump]'' Ohhhhh yeah! ''[bumps Lena's fist]''
:'''Lena''': You wanna blow it up, don't you? ''[Webby nods]'' Psssh.
:''[Webby proceeds to do an exaggerated fist bump explosion]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Botched Job Beagle''': This is our shot, guys. Maybe the Ugly Failures might actually become the Ugly Winners!
:'''Bungle Beagle''': Couldn't we just be the Winners?
:'''Botched Job''': Now, let's not get crazy. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': Lena, this is Huey, Dewey, and Louie. 
:'''Dewey''': Webby, we've been looking for you everywhere!
:'''Lena''': Cute, with the names, and the color-coded outfits, is that, like, your thing? You're all exactly the same?
:'''Huey, Dewey, &amp; Louie''': ''[in unison]'' Ha! No way! We're all unique snowflakes! ''[beat]'' Well this usually never happens. This is really weird! Okay, stop talking! ''[beat]'' Antidisestablishmentarianism! ''SERIOUSLY?!'' Gah!
:'''Huey''': Seriously, Webby, where have you been? We've been worried out of our minds!
:'''Webby''': Well, uh, Lena and I...
:'''Lena''': Right, you were ''so worried'' that you left her on a beach and didn't show up for four hours?
:'''Huey''': We got lost. 
:'''Dewey''': Thanks to old Captain Lost!
:'''Louie''': Why would you put ''me'' in charge of the map again?! This is not on me.
:'''Dewey''': ''[chanting]'' Captain Lost! Captain Lost!
:'''Louie''': Ooh, you change the tone of that chant! ''[starts strangling Dewey as Huey tries pulling him away]''
:'''Lena''': Yeah, they seem like a real tight crew.

===Terror of the Terra-Firmians!===
:'''Louie''': ''[discussing the horror movie they just watched]'' Lame! Where was the drama, the heart, the needlessly expensive car crash mayhem?
:'''Huey''': Even if mole-men did exist, why attack someone in the shower? With the water running, there wouldn't be enough traction to attack anyone above the knee. Totally phony. 
:'''Webby''': What is with you guys? It says right on the poster, &quot;based on an actual true novel.&quot;
:'''Huey''': ''[pulls out his guidebook]'' This is the only book I trust. If it's not in the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook, then it's not a thing.
:'''Webby''': What about were-ducks?
:'''Huey''': Nope.
:'''Webby''': Tri-clopses?
:'''Huey''': Mmm, not a thing. 
:'''Webby''': Well, what about the legendary Terra-firmians of Duckburg?
:'''Huey''': ''[sigh]'' Let's see... Pterodactyl, terror-dactyl, terrible twos, nope. No Terra-firmians. Must not exist. 
:'''Webby''': ''[laughing]'' What? Terra-firmians, the mythical underground race that live below our very city?
:'''Huey''': No, that's ridiculous. 
:'''Webby''': No, ''you're'' ridiculous.
:'''Lena''': Children, children. There's an easy way to settle this. Let's go find them ourselves. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Lena''': ''[pushing a sign out of the way]'' Now what's behind here?
:'''Webby''': The old 818 train line. Famous for terra-firmian sightings. That's why it's closed off.
:'''Huey''': The signs say &quot;Closed for renovations.&quot;
:'''Webby''': That's what they want you to think. 
:'''Huey''': Who is they?
:'''Webby''': Exactly.
:'''Huey''': What?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': ''[when Beakley, Launchpad, Dewey, and Louie find them]'' Granny?
:'''Launchpad''': Ahhhhh! Those are moles!
:'''Dewey''': Launchpad, it's just the guys. 
:'''Launchpad''': You ''would'' say that. ''[to himself]'' Have there always been three of them?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Please talk some sense into Webby. You don't really believe that rock monsters are playing earthquake games. 
:'''Louie''': Huey's usually right about nerd stuff.
:'''Webby''': Not this time. Those &quot;aftershocks&quot; are actually a revolt led by the lost Terra-firmian prince. He's using the games as a distraction to storm the Califermy Citadel! It's all in this artist's rendering. ''[shows her drawings and notes]''
:'''Louie''': Ooh, that sounds awesome. I want that to be true. 
:'''Huey''': Earthquakes are a result of shifting tectonic plates.
:'''Webby''': But who's pushing the plates, Huey? Who's pushing the plates?! 
:'''Huey''': Other plates are pushing the plates!
:'''Webby''': Now who sounds ridiculous?
:'''Huey''': Louie, whose side are you on?
:'''Louie''': Oh, neither. This is just way more entertaining than that movie. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Launchpad, do you think I'm a mole monster?
:'''Launchpad''': ''Whaaaat?'' No, no. ''[to himself]'' Can't believe my best friend is a mole monster. 
:'''Dewey''': I'm your best friend?
:'''Launchpad''': ''[to himself]'' Oh no, it can hear my thoughts. Keep it together, Launchpad. Gotta change the subject somehow. ''[to Dewey]'' Hey, you know what we should talk about? Another subject. 
:'''Dewey''': Sure.
:'''Launchpad''': ''[to himself]'' He doesn't suspect a thing. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Ahhh! Back, mole monster! You can't take me too! Mr. McDee won't give me the time off!
:'''Dewey''': Launchpad, it's me. Dewey! ''[Launchpad remains scared]'' Your best friend?
:'''Launchpad''': They could be anyone. They are everywhere!
:'''Dewey''': Yes, anyone could be a mole monster, in the movie! This is real life. 
:'''Launchpad''': Classic mole monster saying he's &quot;not&quot; a mole monster.
:'''Dewey''': Ugh! By that logic, how do you know ''you're'' not a mole monster?
:'''Launchpad''': 'Cause I'm not! ... Which is exactly what a mole monster would say. Wait... am I a mole monster? But I'm a good guy. Then that means mole monsters can also be good guys! ''[grabs Dewey]'' Come, mole brother! This is a new day for our people! We will show the world that we can be good!

===The House of the Lucky Gander!===
:'''Scrooge''': Gladstone Gander is a complete layabout. I don't know why we're responding to his call.
:'''Webby''': It was a call for help.
:'''Huey''': And like Uncle Donald says, &quot;Family ''always'' helps family.&quot;
:'''Donald''': Why did I say that?
:'''Louie''': Plus, he's easily our coolest uncle.
:'''Donald''': Hey!
:'''Louie''': Sorry, coolest ''non''-trillionaire uncle.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Launchpad roughly lands the plane]''
:'''Donald''': WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'VE WASTED MY LIFE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': ''[trying on a suit]'' This is the best anyone has ever looked. 
:'''Gladstone Gander''': Well, Green Bean, if you wanna be a winner, you need to look like a winner. ''[to the tailor]'' And you can bill my suit to the room, please. 
:'''Tailor''': Oh, no no no no no, Mr. Gladstone. I cannot do this. It would be such a great honor for me to know that you are out in the world wearing this suit! ''[Gladstone and Louie leave, Donald is about to leave, but is stopped by the tailor]'' Two thousand dollars, cash only. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[interacting with a couple jade tigers]'' Actual tigers?! Do the number of stripes tell you their age? Is it true if you stare at them in the eyes, they won't kill you, or does that make them want to kill you faster?
:'''Liu Hai''': Oh, would you like one?
:'''Scrooge''': You can't give a child a tiger. Especially not this child. 
:'''Dewey''': ''[coddling one of the tigers]'' Dewey Junior, you're coming home with us. Oh, and I already named him, oh and I'm already super emotionally attached. 
:'''Scrooge''': Oh fine, but I am not changing its litter. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': That guy at the mall with the iguana is gonna be so jealous!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I navigated myself out of the Infinitaur's Labyrinth. Freed myself from the Forever Fields of Fantoom. Why can't I find the blasted hotel exit?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': Sorry, sir, but the only thing we're hungry for is adventure, and- IS THAT A FOUNTAIN MADE OF CHOCOLATE?!
:'''Liu Hai''': You can dip positively anything in it. 
:'''Webby''': Strawberries?
:'''Liu Hai''': Mhmm.
:'''Webby''': What about my hand?
:'''Liu Hai''': Sure. 
:'''Webby''': What about your hand?
:'''Liu Hai''': Um, uh, fine. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donald''': ''[trying to guess how many fingers someone is holding up]'' Twenty-seven! Twenty-seven! TWENTY-SEVEN!
:'''Louie''': Ugh, give it up, Uncle Donald. Please. 
:'''Gladstone''': No, no, no. Let it ride. You're about to-
:'''Casino Toad''': TWO?! We have a winner! Congratulations, you won a brand-new Thunderclutch sports car. 
:'''Gladstone''': Great, this is the second car I've won for-
:'''Casino Toad''': Four?! You win again!

===The Infernal Internship of Mark Beaks!===
:'''Mark Beaks''': ''[interrupting a staring contest between Scrooge and Glomgold]'' Old guys, nice club house you've got here. Got a real &quot;I'm so rich I don't care how I look&quot; quality about it. Rich peeps! ''[takes a selfie]'' I'm tagging us. 
:'''Glomgold''': I'm sorry, who are you?!
:'''Beaks''': Seriously? Mark Beaks? Founder and CEO of Waddle? Soon to be newest addition to the Duckburg Billionaires' Club. Come on! And creator of the newest tech innovation, Project Tah-dah! It's everything you think it is, and nothing you're expecting. I'll flip you my Peep deets so you can follow my updates. 
:'''Scrooge''': I don't understand half those words.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': I can't believe we get to be interns at Waddle for Mark Beaks!
:'''Dewey''': Yeah, I'm mostly doing it to show off this bad boy. ''[patting a briefcase]''
:'''Huey''': What is that?
:'''Dewey''': Oh, this? It's my super serious business briefcase. &quot;What brilliant business secrets is he hiding in there?&quot; ''Who knows?''
:'''Huey''': You can't open the lock, can you?
:'''Dewey''': Nurp.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[after Beaks tells them he only has one opening for an intern]'' One internship? Well, heh, you didn't really want it anyway, so I'll just tell Mr. Beaks to give it to me. 
:'''Dewey''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Sliding my way to billions? Licking other people's stuff? It's everything I never knew I always wanted!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': Ha! I'm about to be a billionaire. And when Scrooge tries to follow me online, I'll block him!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[as Glomgold demonstrates a plan to get rid of Mark Beaks via slideshow]'' Do we really need a slideshow?
:'''Glomgold''': Ha! Sweet, naive Scroogy. Leave the devious planning to the professionals. ''[sudden tone change]'' You're in MY world now, McDuck.
:'''Scrooge''': Yeah, all right. Show me what you've got.  
:'''Glomgold''': No, you're actually on my side of the room. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': Behold! Our scheme to destroy Beaks begins with an invitation to a Billionaires' Convention on a yacht. We'll tell him we're going, BUT THEN WE WON'T SHOW! First slam!
:'''Scrooge''': Seems unnecessary, especially the part about the yacht. 
:'''Glomgold''': Emotionally devastated, Beaks will seek solace and drown his sorrows at the buffet. 
:'''Scrooge''': A yacht and a buffet for one person? I'm not paying for that.
:'''Glomgold''': Fine. We'll use my yacht. Now, distracted by delicious shrimp, Beaks won't realize he's being sailed into an active volcano, where it'll get so hot, he'll jump into the yacht's pool, which, unbeknownst to him, will be FILLED WITH SHARKS!
:'''Scrooge''': Where did the Sharks come from?
:'''Glomgold''': I've got a great shark guy. Beaks will be so terrified by the sharks, he'll forget he's in a volcano, and jump blindly into the lava! All while we watch from a bridge above. 
:'''Scrooge''': Wait, wait, I thought we wanted to boot him out of our club, not kill him! Although you have tried to kill me countless times, which usually ends up more annoying than deadly. 
:'''Glomgold''': That's right, I'm a genius. Now part attention, 'cause this is where it gets complicated. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': Whoa. Is that an ironically fancy briefcase in my super chill work environment?
:'''Dewey''': Uh, yes?
:'''Beaks''': What's going on in there? Like, brilliant business secrets?
:'''Dewey''': You know it!
:'''Beaks''': Very chill. Oh, I like how you roll! You are my new vice president of fancy business. ''[to Huey]'' Intern, you report to him now. Boom. Beaks out! ''[leaves]''
:'''Huey''': WHAT?!
:'''Dewey''': Yes! Faked it, maked it! I didn't even know this was my life's dream until today!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I can't believe I wasted a whole day obsessing over someone I don't like, and it nearly got me killed! Who am I, you? Ugh, have fun with your new nemesis. I'm gonna go beat ya both by actually being a better billionaire. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': We've gotta save Beaks, right? I mean, he's the worst, but it's the right thing to do.
:'''Huey''': Why? I'm sure you're biggest, favorite friend will just fake his way through it like everything else!
:'''Dewey''': Okay, first off, that's not what BFF stands for. And secondly, guys like him, guys like me, we have to put on a show and fake it, because smart guys like you are so good at making it. We don't need this. What we need is a checklist. In fact, here's a checklist for how to get through this. One, get a plan. Two, ask Huey for a plan. Three, do you have a plan yet? 'Cause honestly, I don't know how checklists work. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Falcon Graves''': That's it, I'm done! And I'm un-tagging myself from all those photos!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': What's up over here?
:'''Huey''': Uh, we saved your life.
:'''Beaks''': Right. Hey, so obviously I have to fire you guys because you know the secret of Project Tahdah, and if you tell anybody I'll just say you're lying because you're mad I fired you. Cool? cool-cool.
:'''Dewey''': ''[snatches Mark's phone, texting]'' My face...looks like a...butt. And, sent.
:'''Beaks''': Seriously? That's your big plan? Who even cares about what--
:'''Huey''': It already has a thousand likes.
:'''Beaks''': What? No, no! I can't delete it now! Give it back, give it back!

===The Living Mummies of Toth-Ra!===
:'''Launchpad''': Hey, if those are mummies, I'd hate to see daddies. Am I right?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Amunet''': ''[after Toth-Ra gives them a few seconds of sunlight]'' Great day everyone! If we skip meals, and start harvesting right now, maybe he'll give us a full hour of sun tomorrow!
:'''Huey''': You know a mummy doesn't actually bring you the sun, right? The Earth spins on its axis, creating-
:'''Amunet''': Awww, not the sharpest sickle in the shed, are you, kid?
:'''Huey''': I got a Junior Woodchuck badge in sickle sharpening that says otherwise!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': ''[as Louie indulges himself in the treasure room]'' You should really leave that alone. Basic rule of treasure hunting, if it might be cursed, don't touch it.
:'''Louie''': You said you weren't sure what the prophecy meant. 
:'''Webby''': No, but I am sure it said the golden reward is for those who serve Toth-Ra.
:'''Louie''': I am serving him, by cleaning up. This place is a mess of treasure!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Isn't there some way you can help us?
:'''Amunet''': ''[chuckles]'' I suppose we could just rise up against the all powerful Toth-Ra, bringer of the golden sun. ''[the followers laugh]''
:'''Huey''': Yes, that! Do that!
:'''Amunet''': Why? We've got food, water, fresh bandages in lieu of pay, a kind and merciful god-king. What's the outside got that we don't?
:'''Scrooge''': Toth-Ra has got you working night and day, while you barely got enough to scrape by. 
:'''Huey''': He doesn't bring you the sun, he keeps it from you!
:'''Amunet''': Sorry, it's just not our way. 
:'''Scrooge''': Don't you want to feel the sun on your face?
:'''Amunet''': ''[the followers shrug]'' Meh.
:'''Scrooge''': The wind in your hair?
:'''Amunet''': Not really. 
:'''Scrooge''': Don't you want freedom? Or glory? Or- ''[Launchpad bites into a burrito]'' Launchpad!
:'''Launchpad''': Oh, sorry. I didn't want my belly to grumble and interrupt your big speech. Like I am right now. ''[takes another bite]''
:'''Scrooge''': It's bad enough you goof around during the greatest archeological find of our time, but... ''[realizes the Followers of Toth-Ra are mesmerized by the burrito]''
:'''Amunet''': Ohhh, what is that?
:'''Launchpad''': Oh, this burrito? Just rice, beans, cheese, your choice of meat, wrapped in a delicious tortilla. ''[the followers taste the burrito]'' Mmmm mmmm mmm, delicious!
:'''Amunet''': Where do we get this bo-rrito?
:'''Scrooge''': Outside where freedom is!
:'''Follower 1''': Bo-rritos are outside?
:'''Follower 2''': We must have bo-rritos!
:'''Amunet''': Rise up against the mighty Toth-Ra!
:'''Scrooge''': Seriously? That's what- oh, never mind. Let's break into the temple!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Toth-Ra Guard''': ''[holding Louie and Webby over a pit of spikes]'' Prepare to scream, eternally! Or until you hit the bottom. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff. 
:'''Webby''': Oh, that was all real. 
:'''Louie''': Wait, you were trying to help him kill us?!
:'''Webby''': If I'm gonna be sacrificed, I'm gonna do it right. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Where are we going?!
:'''Followers of Toth-Ra''': The Pharaoh's throne room!
:'''Scrooge''': And what are we going to do?!
:'''Followers of Toth-Ra''': Anything he asks!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[as Launchpad gives a rousing speech about burritos]'' This is the dumbest rebellion I have ever been part of.

===The Impossible Summit of Mt. Neverrest!===
:'''Scrooge''': Mt. Neverrest, the highest peak in the world! Most prized of the seven summits, Neverrest has claimed the world's finest explorers. It is said to be completely unclimbable. But now, that smug stack of stalagmites has to deal with Scrooge McDuck!
:'''Louie''': Okay, so instead of spending Christmas in a billionaire's mansion, waiting for Santa Claus...
:'''Scrooge''': That man is not allowed in my home. He knows what he did. 
:'''Louie''': ... we're following an old man up Mt. Certain Doom, here?
:'''Huey''': Oh, Mt. Neverrest is three times deadlier than Mt. Certain Doom. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[looking at a tourist's map of Mt. Neverrest]'' This map isn't accurate at all! Mountain goats aren't native to this region, and why is the sun wearing sunglasses? Is he looking at another brighter sun?
:'''Scrooge''': Don't pay any attention to these tourists, my boy. Nothing not tchotchkes, and cheese puffs. We are real explorers!
:'''Huey''': Like George Mallardy!
:'''Louie''': Who?
:'''Huey''': Only the greatest mountaineer of the 20th century! Legend has it that Mallardy made it farther up the mountain than anyone, but was lost, trying to rescue an incompetent fellow climber, famously known as the Neverrest Ninny.
:'''Louie''': ''[reading a plaque]'' &quot;George Mallardy. He died as he lived. Freezing.&quot;
:'''Scrooge''': Ah, stop your hatering. That's just a load of nonsense to sell T-shirts to tourists. We're gonna outdo that quitter Mallardy by making it to the top!
:'''Louie''': You realize there's a difference between quitting, and dying, right?
:'''Scrooge''': Not to me. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Alright, true explorers! Now this mountain is gonna throw everything she's got at us. 
:'''Louie''': But it'll be worth it when we find the treasure of Mt. Neverrest. 
:'''Scrooge''': There is no treasure of Mt. Neverrest. 
:'''Louie''': .... Nope! Louie out! Already gone. Have fun!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': First the ice fever takes your vision. Then it makes you feel all warm and toasty, even though you're freezing to death. Then it makes your limbs all heavy. 
:'''Scrooge''': Ah, it's just a bit nippy. How did you afford all that gear anyway?
:'''Launchpad''': Louie put it on his corporate credit card. 
:'''Scrooge''': Louie doesn't have a corporate credit card. 
:'''Launchpad''': Oh. Louie gave me your credit card. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Junior Woodchuck Rule 727. Sometimes the bravest thing an explorer can do is walk away.

===The Spear of Selene!===
:'''Launchpad''': I always say, better safe than... whatever the opposite of safe is. Yeah. I do say that. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[after Zeus reveals himself]'' THE KING OF THE GODS?! ''GET OUT!!!'' Oh, so many questions! Do you control all storms, or just lightning? Does being immortal also make you impervious to pain? Do you cry?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zeus''': Ithaquack was ''the'' secret vacation spot for gods and heroes, and I was the God of Hospitality, the King of the Beach. Everyone loved me. Then Scrooge showed up, defeated the unkillable Gorgon, found the lost treasure of Troy, was really good at building sand castles, bah!
:'''Louie''': Seems pretty fun. 
:'''Storkules''': 'Twas!
:'''Zeus''': No, it twasn't! Scrooge showed up like he was ''so cool'' and ruined it!
:'''Scrooge''': Ugh, jengs. Leave it to an immortal to whine about the good old days. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zeus''': ''[trapping the Scrooge, and the Ducks in a lightning cage]'' You're not going anywhere. 
:'''Huey &amp; Louie''': Whoo!
:'''Scrooge &amp; Donald''': Ah, phooey.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Huey and Louie beat Storkules at the first trial]''
:'''Storkules''': Well done, nephews of Donald! What ingenuity! From henceforth, you shall be known as Hubert, Tamer of Winds, and Llewellyn, Fighter of Storms!
:'''Huey''': Awesome!
:'''Louie''': Please do not say my real name out loud. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[as he and Webby battle a sea monster]'' You hideous monster! I will avenge my mother by killing you with the very spear you're sworn to protect!
:'''Sea Monster''': You shall never get the Spear of Poseidon!
:'''Dewey''': I'm sorry, the Spear of who, now?
:'''Sea Monster''': The Spear of Poseidon!
:'''Dewey''': Man, we got the wrong chamber again!
:'''Webby''': We're looking for the Spear of Selene.
:'''Sea Monster''': Ohhh, huh. ''[sets them down]'' You're gonna wanna go back down the hall, past the Harpy Aviary, third door on your left. Garden of Selene. Can't miss it. 
:'''Webby''': Oh, hey thanks!
:'''Dewey''': Sorry about calling you a hideous monster before. I'm sure you're very attractive by sea monster standards. 
:'''Sea Monster''': Not really. Thanks though. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': So where's the Spear of Selene, Selene?
:'''Selene''': What spear?
:'''Dewey''': The one Della took from your garden. 
:'''Selene''': You mean the Sphere of Selene?
:'''Dewey''': Why does no one get what I'm saying? The ''Spear'' of ''Selene!''
:'''Selene''': I've never had a spear. Do you mean the Sword of Selene? That's down the hall-
:'''Dewey''': No! The Spear of Selene! The one my mom took! The one that's our only clue to finding her!
:'''Selene''': Ah, you're Della's kid! I shoulda realized, you're just like her. I'm sorry, I haven't seen her in years, and I don't know what the Spear of Selene is. 
:'''Dewey''': So we're back to &quot;she stole Scrooge's spear and betrayed the family&quot; then. Great.
:'''Selene''': What? No way. She loved her family more than anything in the world. Oh, Della wasn't just a good person, she was the greatest, and she made everyone around her better.
:'''Webby''': Maybe the spear isn't an artifact. Maybe it's something else. 
:'''Selene''': Your mom did love a good mystery. ''[gives Dewey her Sphere]'' Here. It's not a spear, but it is a treasure even Della never found. Don't give up, young duck. Your mother never did.

===Beware the B.U.D.D.Y. System!===
:'''Darkwing''': I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the little roller skate at the base of villainy's staircase.  I am Darkwing Duck!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Darkwing''': Let's get dangerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Big day today, Dewey. Mustard stain or ketchup stain?
:'''Dewey''': Mustard-- looks less like blood.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': What's the special occasion, anyway?
:'''Launchpad''': I finally got my driver's license!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Gyro the board needs results. Ever since Bulb Tech backfired ya need an invention that, well...
:'''Dewey''': Won't turn evil and kill us all?
:'''Gyro''': Due respect sir, innovation doesn't work that way. I can't just wake up one morning and say-
:'''Dewey''': How about a self-driving robot car?
:'''Launchpad''': A what now?
:'''Gyro''': Too many variables. A self driving robot car would turn evil like that. Nobody could-
:'''Dewey''': Well, Mark Beaks did. He just posted that he's having a demo later today.
:'''Gyro''': What?! That hack, couldn't even program a microwave. We'll see about this.
:'''Launchpad''': Okay cool. I'll just tell you my big news later.
:'''Scrooge''': Launchpad, I almost forgot. 
:'''Launchpad''': ''[hopeful]'' Yeah?
:'''Scrooge''': Stop having mail delivered to my office. That's for incoming checks and death threats only. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Can you program a robot to brave the unknown and laugh at danger?
:'''Beaks''': Yes. 
:'''Launchpad''': Can a robot greet you with a kind word at the end of a long day?
:'''Beaks''': Yes.
:'''B.U.D.D.Y.''': That's a nice. Gray. Cardigan. Mr. Beaks. You are. Killing. It. Today. 
:'''Launchpad''': Yeah, well, can a robot pull you from the wreckage of a crash with a reassuring smile that tells you everything's gonna be okay?
:'''Beaks''': Well, no, because it can't crash. 
:'''Launchpad''': Wait, what now? I'm sorry, what was that?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton Crackshell''': Forgive Dr. Gearloose. He's a little more deranged than usual trying to figure out how Beaks beat him to the self-driving car. 
:'''Launchpad''': That won't be a problem once I put that tin can in its place; in the recycling, where the garbage goes. 
:'''Dewey''': Woof. We'll work on smack talk later. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Your lab is in the bathroom?
:'''Fenton''': Dr. Gearloose says this is the perfect place for my work. I'm just now realizing that remark may not have been entirely complimentary.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Impressive display, Beaks. You have really built something here.
:'''Gyro''': Or ''did'' he?! I couldn't be sure until I saw how it performed under pressure. The precision, the deadly grace. Oh, yes, I've seen it before. Ha ha! Beaks Tech is ''actually'' Bulb Tech! That's how he beat me to the punch line! He ''stole'' my technology! ''[to police officer standee]'' Officer, arrest this man!
:'''Scrooge''': Is this true?
:'''Beaks''': Of course not. I didn't steal it from him. I stole it from a public online forum, then &quot;Beaks'd&quot; it up.
:'''Gyro''': How would one of my inventions end up online? ''[spots Fenton and gasps]''
:'''Fenton''': ''[examines Lil' Bulb]'' Oh, wow!
:'''Gyro''': ''[angrily]'' ''You''!
:'''Fenton''': You circumvented the kill switch. Why didn't anyone else on the message board figure that out?
:'''Gyro''': ''[crossly]'' You ''posted'' my top secret plans on the '''INTERNET?!'''
:'''Fenton''': You we’re having so much trouble keeping your inventions from turning evil, so I, turned to the Net to crowd-source a solution?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': ''[as B.U.D.D.Y. goes haywire]'' Oh, we need a logic puzzle to fry its circuits! Uh, robot! What is love?
:'''Gearloose''': That's stupid! Robot, could I invent an element so heavy even I couldn't lift it?
:'''Beaks''': Ha. I definitely could. 
:'''Gearloose''': No, you couldn't!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the B.U.D.D.Y. car malfunctions]''
:'''Launchpad''': I may not be Mr. McDee's driver for much longer, but he can still count on me to get him where he's going. I'll keep him busy. You figure out a way to get them out of that car.
:'''Fenton''': I think I got something for that. You try corralling them into a ravine, or-
:'''Launchpad''': I'll probably just crash into it. 
:'''Fenton''': Isn't that really, really unsafe?
:'''Launchpad''': Tried playing safe, old friend. Didn't work. ''[takes out his Darkwing Duck bobblehead figure]'' Let's get dangerous. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton''': Operating passcode, &quot;Blathering blatherskite!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Who the blazes are you?
:'''Gizmoduck''': Call me... ''[the B.U.D.D.Y. car crashes into him]'' Gizmoduck!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': Have a good day, Mr. McDee.
:'''Scrooge''': Nice work today, Launchpad. See you tomorrow. 
:'''Launchpad''': You're not gonna replace me?
:'''Scrooge''': Replace you? Don't be daft. Where would I ever find a driver as crazy and dangerous as I am? Oh! Dewey told me about your driver's license. Congratulations. 
:'''Launchpad''': ''[hugs Scrooge]'' Awww, your approval is all the driver's license I need! ''[tries to tear the license]'' Come on!
:'''Scrooge''': You should really keep the license. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': Gizmoduck... I must have him!

===The Missing Links of Moorshire!===
:'''Huey''': ''[in a calm tone]'' Precision. Excellence. Men in funny hats. Welcome to the Duckburg Billionaire's Club Golf Invitational. The only golf tournament to take place on the world's most exotic and expensive courses. This year sees Scrooge McDuck facing off against Flintheart Glomgold, here at scenic Moorshire, the birthplace of golf. I'm Huey Duck, attempting to earn my Junior Woodchuck Merit Badge for Sports Commentary. I'll be here all day providing nuanced analysis-
:'''Launchpad''': ARE. YOU. READY FOR SOME ''GOOOLF?!''
:'''Huey''': ''[sigh]'' The badge does require a co-commentator.
:'''Launchpad''': Two combatants. One hole. No rules. 
:'''Huey''': That's not actually- WATCH OUT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Get excited, kids! Golf is in our blood! Your ancestor, &quot;Black Donald&quot; McDuck, actually invented the sport. Of course he lost so badly that the ensuing temper tantrums caused King James to ban golf across all of Scotland.
:'''Louie''': And we're... proud of that in some way?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': This lake will be used for the swimming portion of the competition. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': Practice all you want, McDuck! You won't be winning this year!
:'''Scrooge''': You say that every year, Flinty. And every year, you go home crying. 
:'''Glomgold''': My eyes dry out very easily! But this year, I'll prove that I am the best Scottish billionaire golfer. I've hired the world's best player to be my caddie!
:'''Tiger Golfer''': Okay, if you want to be a winner, just follow these three rules-
:'''Glomgold''': ''[gasp]'' I'm already a winner! Nobody tells Flintheart Glomgold what to do! You're fired!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Glomgold''': Alright, boy. How would your uncle play this hole?
:'''Louie''': ''[clearly uninterested]'' Uh, just- why don't you hit the ball in the hole? I guess. 
:'''Glomgold''': Hit the ball... ''in'' the hole? Of course! I've been overthinking it this entire time! ''[drives the ball]'' Holy haggis! It stayed on the course! It went forward! I'm not on fire! That might be the best shot I've ever taken!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Scrooge, the returning champion, approaching the first hole.
:'''Launchpad''': He's probably worried Glomgold will use his one free tackle before the speed round in the third quarter. 
:'''Huey''': What do you think is happening here?
:'''Launchpad''': One heck of a game!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Welcome back to the Billionaire's Club Classic, where in a bizarre turn of events, the players have become trapped in some sort of mystical faerie realm.
:'''Launchpad''': For more, we go to two tiny horses. 
:'''Huey''': What are you- ah!
:''[two soaked colorful horses walk up]''
:'''Briar''': Greetings! We're Briar, and Bramble, the keepers of this realm. 
:'''Webby''': Talking animals wearing clothes?!
:'''Dewey''': Oh no, did we die? Are we in Webby heaven?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Briar''': First to complete this course will win the priceless Druid's Cup. 
:'''Bramble''': Thus proving them to be the finest golfer in every plane of reality. 
:'''Glomgold''': Ooh!
:'''Louie''': Uh-huh. Okay. Well, anyone else think we should ignore the murder ponies and go home?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': There you have it. Another brash young upstart destined to surpass his aging mentor.
:'''Scrooge''': Is the commentary still necessary?
:'''Huey''': It helps me feel in control during a, frankly, insane situation. 
:'''Launchpad''': ''[in a nuanced tone]'' I like talking this way, 'cause it makes everything sound important. Baloney trampoline.

===McMystery at McDuck McManor!===
:'''Huey''': A party is a celebration of a life, bringing people together to let the guest of honor know how much they're loved.  Uncle Scrooge has done so much for us. This is our chance to do something for him. 
:'''Louie''': By forcing him to have fun at a party that he doesn't want to be at?
:'''Huey''': I knew you'd understand. 

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Dewey (DJ Daft Duck)''': Say ''whaaat''?

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Huey''': We gotta solve the mystery and find Scrooge so he can experience the true joy of a flawless birthday party. 
:'''Louie''': And you know, not possibly die?
:'''Huey''': Yes, of course, and that, but if we succeed and have a good time doing it, Scrooge may have experienced the most amazing party of all time!
:'''Louie''': Shouldn't we call somebody?
:'''Huey''': But who can you call when everyone is a suspect? Come on, boys, the party game is afoot!
:'''Louie''': Oh, I hate this already.
:'''Dewey (DJ Daft Duck)''': ''Oh yeaaah!''
:'''Louie''': You can't get that helmet off, can you?
:'''Dewey (DJ Daft Duck)''': ''Oh nooo!''

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Black Arts Beagle''': Behold, my abyss box. May it rest in pieces. Someone opened it the moment before Scrooge disappeared!
:'''Huey''': Someone who hates Scrooge more than anyone.
:'''Everyone''': Flintheart Glomgold!
:'''Beaks''': Hey, my rich brother from another mother!
:'''Glomgold''': Wait. How did you know it was me?
:'''Louie''': It's always you. 
:'''Glomgold''': And it always will be! ''[evil laugh]''

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Huey''': So you took Scrooge!
:'''Glomgold''': Took Scrooge? No, I was trying to kill Scrooge! That's like, my whole thing. 
:'''Beaks''': FYI, you're terrible at your thing. 
:'''Ma Beagle''': If he were ever gonna do it, he'd have to do it while Beakley's gone.
:'''Glomgold''': Ugh. I hate that woman!
:'''Ma Beagle''': Me too. She's the absolute worst. 
:'''Glomgold''': You know who I miss?
:'''Glomgold &amp; Ma Beagle''': Duckworth!
:'''Ma Beagle''': Aw, he threw the best parties. 
:'''Glomgold''': Ooh, that man was an artist. He never would have let us in here. 
:'''Beaks''': Nemeses memories! ''[takes a selfie with Glomgold and Ma Beagle]''
:'''Huey''': Stop bonding! This is a crime scene!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Now I'll never be able to throw a party better than Duckworth!
:'''Louie''': Also, you'll be dead.

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': Don't kill me! I barely lived! #YOLO #FOMO #Aaaah!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Duckworth's Ghost''': Mrs. Beakley.  How nice of you to return after abandoning your post. Thankfully, I was here to pick up your slack. Tell me, do you typically keep the house this shabby?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': I preferred it when you were dead.

===Jaw$!===
:'''Scrooge''': ''[holding an armful of treasure]'' Ha! Remember the old saying, kids. &quot;Beans, beans, the magical fruit, just plant your beans, then grab some loot.&quot;
:'''Dewey''': Man, I've been saying that rhyme ''all wrong''. 

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[sulking as he practices for an interview]'' So, Roxanne. I suppose my greatest weakness is that I care too much. 
:'''Beakley''': Fascinating. Well, Mr. McDuck, I can assure you that you will not come off &quot;likable&quot; doing any of that. Unfold those arms, drop the frown, &quot;When dealing with the press, S.O.S.&quot; Be sincere, open, and smile. 
:'''Scrooge''': Some find my scowl very appealing. 

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Louie''': ''[as the three boys overlook Scrooge's money]'' Up next to the diving board is Dewey Duck, representing the proud country of Dew-donia. When asked if he was concerned about the possibility of injuring himself on the cold hard cash below, he simply replied,  &quot;Nurp!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Magica De Spell''': Ha ha! I would never have thought to feed Scrooge's family to the Hunter Stone before it ushers about his destruction. Well done Lena!
:'''Lena''': Next time you give me an amulet that turns into a monster, I'd appreciate a little heads up. 
:'''Magica''': Uh, that monster has a name. Show Tiffany some respect!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[as the money shark swims around them; reading from his guidebook]'' Did you know that sharks never run out of teeth? They have the most powerful jaws on the planet. On average, there are about 100 shark attacks a year.
:'''Louie''': Dude, now is not the time!
:'''Huey''': Facts comfort me when I'm nervous!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Roxanne Featherly''': Now don't worry, this interview is just the two of us having a conversation. ''[Scrooge gives an assuring wink ar Beakley]'' I'm here with multi-millionaire menace Scrooge McDuck... 
:'''Scrooge''': Eh?!
:'''Roxanne''': ...who values profit over people's lives. I'll take your awkward smile as a confirmation that you enjoy feeling superior to everyone in the now-ravaged town of Duckburg.
:'''Scrooge''': No! I-
:'''Roxanne''': Now, Mr. McDuck, I can't quite place your accent. Tell me, what part of Ireland are you from?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[growls]''

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I have done far more good than harm for Duckburg! Ask anyone!
:'''Roxanne''': Will do. Joining us for comment via satellite from his office that was recently ravaged by Scrooge's blameworthy beanstalk, Flintheart Glomgold. 
:'''Glomgold''': ''[appearing on a screen]'' CURSE YOU MCDUCK! Roxanne, good to see you.
:'''Roxanne''': And you. 
:'''Scrooge''': You can't believe this team o'shanter-wearing terror!
:''[Glomgold and Roxanne gasp]''
:'''Roxanne''': Oh, shameful. 
:'''Glomgold''': We can't all afford top hats, you rich snob!
:'''Scrooge''': You're rich too, you malevolent mountebank! 
:'''Glomgold''': You'd best believe it, Scroogey! I'm rolling in it!
:'''Scrooge''': Then ''what'' is your point?! I'm glad that beanstalk crushed your office!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Webby''': Lena, I've found something. According to this, to stop an enchanted force, you must remove its power source, or beat it with a stronger magical totem. We can use our friendship bracelets! Friendship is the greatest magic of all!
:'''Lena''': That's... not how magic works. 

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:''[as the money shark escapes the Money Bin]''
:'''Scrooge''': Ah! Me money! ... And the safety of the fine citizens of Duckburg.

===The Golden Lagoon of White Agony Plains!===
:'''Dewey''': ''[as they attend a Glomgold event at the museum]'' So what are we doing here anyway?
:'''Scrooge''': As upstanding citizens of note, it's our responsibility to support Duckburg's cultural institutions. ''[approaches the buffet]'' And these cocktail weenies are on Glomgold's dollar. 
:'''Louie''': Aren't you rich? Why do you need free food?
:'''Scrooge''': I didn't get rich by wasting money. I got rich by besting my enemies. Stock up, lads!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:''[as Scrooge gasps upon seeing Goldie]''
:'''Louie''': What is it? A cursed villain?
:'''Dewey''': A villainous curse?
:'''Huey''': A... um... Man, I hate going third. 
:'''Scrooge''': Worse. It's my ex!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:''[as Scrooge and Goldie tango]''
:'''Scrooge''': You're looking younger than the last time I saw you. 
:'''Goldie O'Gilt''': Found a fountain of youth in Wronguay. You?
:'''Scrooge''': Stuck in a timeless demon dimension. 
:'''Goldie''': Which one? Pandemonium or Demogorgona?
:'''Scrooge''': Demogorgona. Went to stop an uprising. 
:'''Goldie''': Get out! I caused that uprising! Nabbed the Eye of Demogorgon. Makes you impervious to burns. I must have just missed you.

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Back during the [[w:Klondike Gold Rush|Gold Rush]], when I was prospecting for my fortune in the Klondike-
:'''Huey''': Gold Rush? Wait... ''[does math on his fingers]'' How old are you?
:'''Scrooge''': ...

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Goldie''': Fine. We team up. With our two halves of the map, we can finally find the Golden Lagoon.
:'''Scrooge''': And why should I trust you?
:'''Goldie''': Because it's gold, because it's a treasure you never found, and because you're Scrooge McDuck.
:'''Scrooge &amp; Goldie''': You think you know me so well. 
:'''Huey, Dewey, &amp; Louie''': ''[entering the room]'' Date! Date! Date!
:'''Scrooge &amp; Goldie''': It's not a date!

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:''[coming upon a mine shaft elevator]''
:'''Goldie''': Looks like it's only big enough for one. I'll go down first, and send it back up to you. 
:'''Scrooge''': So you can get the jump on me?
:'''Goldie''': Fine, you go down first. 
:'''Scrooge''': Oh, so you can cut the rope?

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': You could have freed me, but even after all that you still abandoned me and left me for dead. 
:'''Goldie''': You were supposed to follow me! That was our whole thing. 
:'''Scrooge''': I was frozen in a giant glacier!
:'''Goldie''': You're Scrooge McDuck!
:'''Scrooge''': Wh-wh- That can't be your reason for everything!
:'''Goldie''': Scroogey, it's the only reason that matters. 
:'''Scrooge''': You loved gold more than you loved me.
:'''Goldie''': And that's why you loved me. 

&lt;hr width=50/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Aw, Goldie. I was so busy looking for treasure, I ignored the one staring me in the face... and stabbing me in the back.

===Day of the Only Child!===
:'''Webby''': Wait, where are Huey and Louie?
:'''Dewey''': Who?
:'''Webby''': Um, your brothers?
:'''Dewey''': Uh, Webby, I don't have brothers. I'm an only child. 
:'''Webby''': Don't be ridicu- ''[gasp]'' Oh no! We must be in some sort of dystopian alternate dimension!
:'''Dewey''': Calm down, everything is fine. 
:'''Webby''': ''Exactly'' what an evil Dewey-doppleganger would say! ''[tackles Dewey]'' Give it up, Dew-pelganger! Where is Dewey?!
:''[Huey and Louie walk rush in]''
:'''Huey''': Webby, stop! That ''is'' Dewy!
:'''Louie''': He's just doing a Dewey thing!
:'''Webby''': Oh. ''[lets go of Dewey]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[to Huey and Louie]'' Thank you, good Samaritans. You restored my faith in the kindness of ''random strangers''.
:'''Huey''': Not even one hour in, and your stupid &quot;Only Child Day&quot; has already almost gotten one of us killed.
:'''Webby''': Only-what-now?
:'''Dewey''': It's a beautiful holiday!
:'''Huey''': That he made up. 
:'''Dewey''': Where for a whole day, we get to be sibling-free and do all the amazing things that an only child gets to do! Make our marks on the world!
:'''Louie''': Not have to answer to anyone!
:'''Huey''': Be horribly alone?
:'''Dewey''': For once!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': What do you mean I can't go? If I don't participate, I'll never get my commemorative Cookout Badge. That means a lopsided sash, Launchpad. A ''lopsided sash''!
:'''Launchpad''': Sorry, but it's the Three-Man Cookout. I didn't get to be a Troop Leader by bending the rules. I got it by crashing the bus during a camping trip, and the other leaders quitting.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': Uh, Big Huey, sir? We kidnapped someone for you. ''[points to Big Time Beagle, who is tied in a tree]''
:'''Huey''': You did what?!
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': Well, he was gone kidnap you first. 
:'''Huey''': N-No!
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': A Junior Woodchuck looks out for his fellow Woodchucks, whatever the cost. 
:'''Huey''': He's gonna get killed! He's your brother!
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': We like you better, New Big Time. You'll love it back at the junkyard. You'll never be lonely again. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': Wow, it's like he gets whatever he wants!
:'''Mr. Drake''': No one says no to Master Doofus. ''[leans uncomfortably close to Louie]'' ''No one.''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Doofus Drake''': Geememama!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': So, you're his butler, huh? Uh, my butler's a ghost. Yup. Yeah, he's dead. 
:'''Mrs. Drake''': We're dead inside.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[pretending to host his own talk show]'' That joke crashed so hard, you'd think it was Launchpad!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Comedy, action, and heart? Who wouldn't want to watch this show?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[after Webby crawls out of the Security-bot]'' How did you get in there?
:'''Webby''': Oh, I just jammed it open and ripped out a bunch of wires to make room. What were you doing?
:'''Dewey''': ''[nervously]'' What? Me? Nothing! ''[closing the closet door, the light fades on the Louie Lamp; impersonating Louie's voice]'' She knows. ''[to the lamp]'' Shut up, Louie!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[when reunited with their individual problems]''
:'''Huey''': Beagle Boys.
:'''Louie''': Psycho rich kid. 
:'''Dewey''': Haywire robot. 
:'''Huey, Dewey, &amp; Louie''': ''[in unison]'' Brothers again? Brothers again! Triple threat!

===From the Confidential Casefiles of Agent 22!===
:'''Louie''': ''[who, as Beakley fights a hooded figure in the kitchen, enters to take soda from the fridge and leaves without noticing anything]'' Getting low on Cherry Pep, Mrs. B.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Webby and Scrooge enter the kitchen in a trashed state]''
:'''Scrooge''': Great sacks of delirium!
:'''Webby''': Maybe Donald tried to make an omelet again?
:'''Scrooge''': Impossible. He still hasn't figured out how to get out of the pantry. 
:''[Donald yells in anger and fury, pounding from behind a nearby pantry door]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[to the boys as they watch television]'' I'm off for a little trip. Uncle Donald's in the pantry if you need anything. If I don't come back, it's been a pleasure knowing you all. 
:'''Huey, Dewey, &amp; Louie''': ''[uninterested]'' Yeah, yeah.  Uh-huh. Sure. 
:'''Louie''': Shhhhhh...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': We'll be arriving in a couple hours, Mr. McDee.
:'''Scrooge''': Remember, this trip needs to remain a secret, Launchpad. No one should know where we're going. 
:'''Launchpad''': Way ahead of you.  ''[puts a blindfold on]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Auctioneer''': Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, let's start our bidding with the last page from the Great Book, a priceless artifact for medeival enthusiasts. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley (Agent 22)''': So, what's on it exactly?
:'''Scrooge''': Alchemy. Formulas for potions and elixirs. Legend has it that the high priests of Castle Dunwyn were mentored by mystical creatures from the nearby glen, creatures of untold powers. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley (Agent 22)''': Untold powers?
:'''Scrooge''': Yes, if you believe that sort of thing. FOWL seems to.
:'''Mrs. Beakley (Agent 22)''': How do you know so much about all this?
:'''Scrooge''': Untold chaos, dark artifacts, a man has his hobbies. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Mrs. Beakley puts a tracking beacon on Black Heron]''
:'''Scrooge''': And now we can steal it from her for free! I just saved SHUSH a lot of money. You're welcome. ''[Mrs. Beakley punches Scrooge]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Scrooge and Webby face a giant cave, Webby is visably excited]''
:'''Scrooge''': What is it now?
:'''Webby''': Should we have a battle cry to strike fear in our enemies?
:'''Scrooge''': What do you have in mind?
:'''Webby''': ''[to the cave]'' Get ready to lose bad, baddies!
:'''Scrooge''': ... Eh, what she said. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Black Heron''': Good afternoon, world leaders. This is Black Heron of FOWL. Regrets if you haven't heard of me, but I've gotten very well acquainted with your Agent 22. After meticulous-
:'''Mrs. Beakley (Agent 22)''': My back molar is rigged with a distress signal. SHUSH will be coming for me, and you, Heron.
:'''Black Heron''': ''Excuse me?!'' I'm in the middle of filming my declaration of harmful intent. Where was I? ''[pulls out index cards]'' Oh yes! After meticulous, frankly ingenious planning, I have obtained history's greatest biological weapon. With the completed formula, I will breed an army of super-soldiers that will bounce to the highest peaks of corruption!
:'''Scrooge''': ''[enters the frame, laughing]'' Did you just say &quot;bounce&quot;?
:'''Black Heron''': Who is this? Is he with you?
:'''Mrs. Beakley (Agent 22)''': Unfortunately. 
:'''Scrooge''': You're making a ''bounce'' serum? The untold powers of the ancient creatures is ''bouncing''?
:'''Black Heron''': Yes! There'll be bouncing here and there and everywhere! Mass destruction that's beyond compare! ''[Scrooge laughs]'' Stop laughing! I have wasted an entire reel of film, and you're not even entirely in frame!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Webby''': I can't believe I'm now part of an actual McDuck-Agent 22 adventure! Thank you, Mr. McDuck!
:'''Scrooge''': Call me Uncle Scrooge. 
:'''Webby''': ''[hugs Scrooge]'' I'm Webby.

===Who is Gizmoduck?!===
:''[during a bank robbery]''
:'''Bouncer Beagle''': Why are we wearing masks over our other masks again?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Gizmoduck tests the suit features]''
:'''Gyro''': You're gonna overload the core processor and kill us all!
:'''Gizmoduck''': Oh, I'd say that's overkill. 
:'''Bulby Operating System''': Initiating overkill. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gizmoduck''': ''[after saving Mark Beaks from his own missile]'' Mr. Beaks, I am so sorry-
:'''Beaks''': Sorry? You saved me!
:'''Gizmoduck''': But the missile actually came from-
:'''Beaks''': Pfft. Come on! I have an island where I blow up helicopters for fun. It happens!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': ''[answering his phone]'' Hey, I'm stuck on the roof. Gonna need you to send up another helicopter. ''[beat]'' Stairs?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[answering Huey's call for help]''
:'''Waddleduck''': You? What do you need?
:'''Huey''': ''[angry]'' I need you to toss that in the trash! ''[points to a piece of paper]''
:'''Waddleduck''': ''[picks up the paper]'' &quot;My faith in you&quot;. I don't understand. 
:'''Huey''': Waddleduck?! Really?! You're not a hero, you're a sellout. So go ahead, throw away my faith in you! ''[Waddleduck sadly drops the paper in the trash]'' In the ''recycling''! You monster.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': WD, what's the word, man? I'm seeing a lot of bad reviews on the app. Talk quick, got my daily press conference in a few-
:'''Waddleduck''': I need control! A person plummeting to their untimely death doesn't have time to open an app!
:'''Beaks''': Oh, it's possible. The WaddlePhone is super-fast.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton''': ''[after Mark Beaks initiates the suit detonation protocol]'' Cancel the order! It'll explode!
:'''Beaks''': Too panicked! Can't process! Save me, amigo!
:'''Fenton''': I am ''not'' your amigo! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton''': I'm not a mascot, or an intern, out a fancy tool! Blathering blatherskite! I! Am! Gizmoduck!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': The suit is not Gizmoduck, ''you'' are. That's a Robotics Badge, and a Philosophy Badge right there. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton''': ''[waking up in the hospital]'' M'ma?
:'''M'ma Cabrera''': Pollito!
:'''Fenton''': I think I was fired. I was definitely fired. 
:'''M'ma''': Just rest right now. Someone sprung for the VIP hospital suite.
:'''Scrooge''': ''[offscreen]'' Need a word with you. 
:'''Fenton''': Mr. McDuck?
:'''M'ma''': Scrooge McDuck?! Ooh! I'll leave you two alone. ''[quietly to Fenton]'' See if you can get money out of it. He's loaded. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': You know, I spend a lot of time abroad. I won't always be here for Duckburg. I need someone to make sure this place is still standing when I get back. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Looking good, lad. You work for me now. I just need a name to write on the paychecks. 
:'''Fenton''': Call me... Gizmoduck!

===The Other Bin of Scrooge McDuck!===
:'''Scrooge''': ''[dreaming]'' Get your filthy chimney hands off my hard-earned milk and cookies, you... ''[wakes up]'' Gaaah!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Webby shines a light on Lena]''
:'''Webby''': What were you doing in Scrooge's room?
:'''Lena''': ''[shines the light on Webby]'' What were ''you'' doing there?
:'''Webby''': Oh, nothing. Definitely not collecting drool samples while he sleeps. ''[an empty vial rolls across the floor]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I'm telling you, something is off in the mansion. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Mr. McDuck, I assure you, nothing strange is going on here.
:'''Scrooge''': Then how do you explain ''this''? ''[pulls out his Number One Dime, showing the cord slightly cut]'' My Number One Dime has been tampered with. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': But the filament is made from un-cuttable enchanted quadriamond. Anything that could cut it would-
:'''Scrooge''': Would have to be ''supernatural''. Hmm. There's something afoot in this house, and I'm gonna find out what. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[on hiding Tenderfeet in their room]'' We gotta keep him a secret! Uncle Scrooge is on the hunt!
:'''Louie''': Which is why we should hand him over. The last thing I need is Scrooge snooping around and finding any number of my devious, yet delightful schemes. 
:'''Huey''': You mean all those schemes ''we'' know about?
:'''Dewey''': Sure would be a shame if Uncle Donald found out about that ''&quot;charity&quot;'' he's been donating to for the past three years. 
:'''Louie''': Hey, &quot;Louie's Kids&quot; takes Uncle Donald's donations for children in need. Children like me. Children exactly like me. It's for me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[finding a sandwich that Tenderfeet prepared]''  Hmm. Still warm. Dill pickles and salted ham. An excellent pairing of flavors. Clever girl!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': How do you keep losing a giant monster?
:'''Huey''': Just because we like him better than you doesn't mean you have to hate him. 
:'''Louie''': Wait, what? I am your brother! You met this thing like a day ago!
:'''Dewey''': Well, he never tricked me into doing his laundry. Yeah. I know about that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Louie finds out that &quot;Tenderfeet&quot;'s secret]''
:'''Louie''': Can't out-down a con, bro. Oh, Uncle ''Scrooooge''! 
:'''Gavin''': So, you figured out the Bigfoot in your house is scamming you. Problem is, the ''Big''foot in your house is scamming you. ''[cracks knuckles]'' And, yeah, bro. He lifts.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': Oh, Bigfoot, you just poked the bear. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Ah-ha! A bigfoot! I knew there was something strange....afoot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the boys say goodbye to &quot;Tenderfeet&quot;]''
:'''Huey''': ''[sad]'' When we first met, there was a thorn in your paw, but now...
:'''Dewey''': ''[places hand over his heart]'' ... It's in here. 
:''[the boys hug &quot;Tenderfeet&quot;]''
:'''Louie''': ''[leans in close; whispers]'' I win. ''[dramatically]'' Now go back from whence you came! This is for your own good. ''[repeatedly hitting him]'' Go on! Get out of here! Go! Go! Go! ''[&quot;Tenderfeet&quot; leaves]'' Bye, Tenderfeet, I love you, have fun living in the gross woods and not our awesome mansion anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[seeing Lena and Webby in the Other Bin]'' What the blazes are you two doing in here?!
:'''Webby''': ''[realizing Scrooge kept his Dime in the first vault]'' Oh, of course! The Number One Dime was in the number one chamber. Duh!
:'''Scrooge''': No one thinks to check the first one. But you shouldn't be checking at all! The Other Bin is far too dangerous. 
:'''Lena''': It's on me. We wanted to see your dime, and we overheard you were keeping it in here, and...
:'''Webby''': Sorry, Uncle Scrooge. 
:'''Scrooge''': You should know by now that if you want to know something, all you have to do is ask. Be straight with me, lassie. What if you were lost, or hurt, or eaten by the dragon?
:'''Webby''': ''[hugs Scrooge]'' Aw man, there's a dragon in here?

===Sky Pirates... in the Sky!===
:'''Huey''': We are beyond lost, and- Is this compass a sticker?
:'''Launchpad''': Ha ha! Stickers are for kids! Grownups call them decals. 
:'''Huey''': Then how do you navigate?
:'''Launchpad''': Instincts. A keen eye. Quick thinking. ''[panics as he nearly crashes into a mountain, only to dodge at the last moment]'' ... And a cool head. 
:'''Dewey''': A cool head needs a cool hat. Not unlike this bold and daring chapeau. And the story behind it is equally bold and daring. 
:'''Huey''': Do you mind doing whatever it is you're doing later? I'm trying to get us home safe, and... This radar is an ant farm?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Yearly polishing of the money in the Bin is a necessary expenditure. I may be filthy rich, but I'm not unsanitary. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Karnage''': This is your fearsome Pirate Captain, Don Karnage, welcoming you to our friendly skies. ''[threateningly]'' Prepare to be boarded!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Karnage''': ''[capturing Dewey]'' Well, well. What have we here?
:'''Pirate''': A stowaway!
:'''Don Karnage''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes, obviously. I meant as a rhetorical menacing!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Don Karnage''': ''[in disguise]'' I am Dr. Tom Kar...nage? An attractive and charming plant scientist. 
:'''Huey''': You mean a botanist?
:'''Don Karnage''': You ''dare'' correct the fierce Captain... of the Plant Sciencing Committee? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': We all know that's Don Karnage, right?
:'''Launchpad''': He seems to know a lot about plants. 
:'''Huey''': You know, he might be able to help us find that pirate ship faster. 
:'''Don Karnage''': Yes! I will lead you to the ship so I can kill... -ect that flower? Oh look! Leaves! ''[grabs some leaves on the ground, and the Caterpillar fake moustache crawls onto them]''
:'''Scrooge''': Just get on the plane, and don't steal anything this time.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Listen, this has been great, but I should take my hat and go. Everyone will wanna hear about where I've been. 
:'''Ugly Mug''': ''Or'' you could have this bigger hat... ''Captain'' Dewey.
:'''Dewey''': Wait, what now?
:'''Ugly Mug''': You've taught us to be our own pirates, and stand out. Now it's our turn to stand out, behind you. 
:'''Peg Leg Meg''': So, Captain. Who will be the first to witness the talents of the Dread Pirate Dewey?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ugly Mug''': It's into Davy Jones' Upper Cabinet with ye!

===The Secret(s) of Castle McDuck!===
:'''Webby''': You still haven't told your brothers what we found out about your mom?
:'''Dewey''': Tell them what exactly? She took the Spear of Selene? We have no idea what that means. We don't even know what it looks like. Why get them in a panic when this could all be a dead end?
:'''Webby''': Because... honesty?
:'''Dewey''': ''[looks deep in thought]'' Mmm... mhmm... mhmm... mhmm...
:'''Webby''': Why do you always do that?
:'''Dewey''': Do what?
:'''Webby''': Whenever you want to ignore something, you stare into the distance and pretend you're thinking. 
:'''Dewey''': I'm trying to protect my brothers from finding out something that could upset them. 
:'''Webby''': And keeping an earth-shattering secret from them that could destroy your brotherhood ''wouldn't'' upset them?
:'''Dewey''': ''[looks deep in thought]'' Mmm... mhmm... mhmm... mhmm...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Brace yourselves, kids. Primordial menace lurks here. The most treacherous terror I've ever faced.  
:'''Fergus McDuck''': Oi! Jettison that jalopy from my driveway this instant, you deadbeat!
:'''Scrooge''': Daddy. Mummy.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Your parents are alive?!
:'''Louie''': I can't believe ''you're'' still alive.
:'''Fergus''': He put a curse on us. 
:'''Scrooge''': That is not fair! I very kindly rebuilt our ancestral castle for them. And I may have used some discount mystical Druid stones that accidentally granted them immortality. I didn't know it would buy me an eternity's worth of criticism!
:'''Fergus''': So, he admits he wants to be rid of us!
:'''Scrooge''': Uch! Would you rather I'd let you pass, or made you immortal?
:'''Fergus''': Neither is satisfactory. A thoughtful son would know that.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Downy McDuck''': ''[showing family portraits]'' Oh, and look here! Little Scroogey and Whiskers! 
:'''Huey''': Whiskers?
:'''Downy''': Little Scroogey always wanted a dog, but we were too poor, so we all pitched in to buy a clump of hair from the local barber. Oh, how Scroogey loved his Whiskers!
:'''Fergus''': Aye. And who ended up having to walk him and feed him?
:'''Scrooge''': It was a ball of hair!
:'''Fergus''': How dare you talk about Whiskers like that?! He was family!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': ''[in a room full of golden keys]'' Oh man! How are we gonna find one gold key in all this? Well, good try everyone. You should head back. Way to go. 
:'''Louie''': ''[popping up from the keys, examining one key]'' Found it. Real gold weighs more than Fool's gold, so you just search the bottom of the pile. You know, check the luster, and the karat quality, and boom. Pure gold key. ''[beat]'' What? You like nerd stuff, I like gold. Come on. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': I take great care of my family!
:'''Fergus''': You avoid us like the plague!
:'''Scrooge''': Oh come now, that's unfair... to the plague!
:'''Fergus''': That's it! Go to your room!
:'''Scrooge''': I never lived here!
:'''Fergus''': Then pick the one furthest away from my line of sight!
:'''Scrooge''': Fine by me!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[as the Demon Dog claws at the door]'' We need a distraction! ''[grabs the bag from Dewey]''
:'''Dewey''': Hey, give it back!
:'''Huey''': ''[emptying the bag's contents on the ground]'' Louie, hold the door open! I'll set the scarf on fire and throw it out as a decoy!
:'''Dewey''': ''[taking the scarf away]'' No! You can't!
:'''Huey''': What is wrong with you?!
:'''Louie''': Why are you being super weird?! This is a bad time to be weird!
:'''Dewey''': ... Because it belongs to mom!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': How do you know this is mom's?
:'''Dewey''': I've, uh, kinda been researching her on my own. A little. I mean, I just searched a forbidden library, crashed the ''Sunchaser'', talked to the goddess Selene- okay, you know, hearing it out loud, it comes off way worse than it sounded in my brain. 
:'''Huey''': How could you keep this from us?! 
:'''Dewey''': I was trying to protect you from a potentially devastating revelation. 
:'''Huey''': Or you just kept it to yourself so you can feel special! Classic Dewey! She's our mom!
:'''Dewey''': Okay, it's just- First, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get hurt. Then I couldn't tell you because I found out all this stuff and I didn't want you to hurt me! I'm sorry, okay?
:'''Huey''': You're only sorry, 'cause you got caught!
:''[they notice Louie holding the uniform, visibly upset]''
:'''Dewey''': Louie, you okay?
:'''Louie''': You kept a secret about mom. That is not okay.
:''[Dewey shifts his head down sadly]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Just stop! I don't need you! ''[holding his dime]'' Everything I earned, I earned through my own hard work. You never gave me anything!
:'''Fergus''': I gave you that. ''[pointing to the dime]''
:'''Scrooge''': Ugh... my Number One Dime? Burt the ditch digger gave it to me. Back in my shoeshine days, I worked for hours on Burt's boots. He paid me with an American dime.
:'''Fergus''': Who do you think gave him the dime?
:'''Scrooge''': What?
:'''Fergus''': Aye. I muddied his boots, and sent him your way. 
:'''Scrooge''': Wait, what? But why? 
:'''Fergus''': We were poor. I couldn't provide for you myself, so I had to give you a different gift, self-reliance. Teaching you to work hard, and fend for yourself, so that you'd become the man you are now. But you learned that lesson so well, we hardly saw you again. If I'm hard on you, lad, it's 'cause I miss you, is all. 
:'''Scrooge''': Oh, Daddy... I miss you too.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': I should have told you from the beginning. Good or bad, we're all in this together. ''[grabs the note]'' Well, I guess we're all starting from scratch. 
:'''Huey''': Wait. Did you rub a pencil over this?
:'''Dewey''': Buh?
:'''Huey''': Have I taught you nothing? Junior Woodchuck Rule 217, rub all documents with a pencil.
:''[rubs the note with a pencil to reveal a strange design]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[gasp]'' The Spear of Selene! Now we know what it looks like!
:'''Louie''': Is that a date circled?
:'''Huey''': April 15th, 20- guys, this is the week we were born!
:'''Dewey''': What does that mean?
:'''Huey''': We'll find out together.

===The Last Crash of Sunchaser!===
:'''Huey''': Come on, Uncle Donald! You can fix the houseboat when we get back. 
:'''Donald''': Uh-uh. I'm almost done. We'll be on the water again in two days!
:''[an offscreen crash is heard]''
:'''Donald''': Seven days... 
:''[an explosion is seen from behind the mansion]'' 
:'''Donald''': ''[sighs]'' I should get started...
:'''Dewey''': No rush!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': ''[setting up a lawn chair]'' Sorry, Mrs. B. Only chair I could find.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Seatbelts?
:'''Launchpad''': Oh... um... ''[puts a flotation ring around her]'' When we crash, it can be used as a flotation device. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''When'' we crash?
:'''Scrooge''': Long time since you've been in the field, eh, Agent 22?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': And this plane would have been dangerously outdated even then. I'm counting one, two, three... ''14'' safety violations.
:'''Launchpad''': Aw, come on. Every time the ''Sunchaser'' goes down, she always gets right back up in the air.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': &quot;''Every time?''&quot; I allow the children to travel with you because I assume you're keeping them safe. 
:'''Scrooge''': Ah, jengs. Launchpad, give the old bird, a tour of the old bird to show her there's nothing to worry about. I'll take the wheel-stick thingie.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Sorry, when did you learn to fly a massive cargo plane?
:'''Scrooge''': Please, I'm Scrooge McDuck. If Launchpad can do it, how hard can it be?
:'''Launchpad''': Not very!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[looking at a shredded document]'' Somewhere in these pieces are the answers Scrooge doesn't want us to find. What is the Spear of Selene? Why didn't Scrooge and Donald talk for years?
:'''Dewey''': What happened to our mom?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': We have to get out, and figure out how to get down.
:'''Scrooge''': And pass up the adventure of a lifetime?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': And risk all our lives?
:'''Scrooge''': Ah, you're safe as houses. This is nothing! The plane could be on fire, or we could be on fire, or this could be a volcano! ''Everything'' could be on fire!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Huey counterbalances the plane as Dewey tries to get the piece of paper they need]''
:'''Huey''': Junior Woodchuck Rule 18: Every action, has an equal and opposite reaction.
:'''Webby''': I thought that was Newton.
:'''Huey''': Where do you think he got it from?
:'''Webby''': Science?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[as he slowly chases Dewey through the plane]'' I'm trying to save your life, now come back here, or I will end it, young man!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''[discovering the drawing of the Spear of Selene]'' Oh, children... what have you been up to?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Dewey goes outside the plane to get the piece of paper]''
:'''Scrooge''': No. Not again. 
:'''Webby''': ''[through the radio]'' Dewey, this is crazy! The mystery's not worth it!
:'''Louie''': ''[through the radio]'' I get it, but you can't give up the rest of us to find the one person we lost!
:'''Launchpad''': ''[through the radio]'' Dewey! The Darkwing Duck video is still running! Do you want me to pause it until you get back?
:'''Huey''': ''[through the radio]'' Give me that. Dewey, our family is amazing! We're enough! Let it go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Scrooge tells them how their mother vanished]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[angry]'' Cool... so '''you're''' the reason our mom is gone!
:'''Scrooge''': ''[shocked]'' What? No! I..I--
:'''Launchpad''': ''[the plane begins to lean forward]'' Um, guys?
:'''Dewey''': You built her a crazy dangerous super rocket!
:'''Scrooge''': Which she ''stole'' early!
:'''Huey''': Then you encouraged her to keep flying through a cosmic storm? You could have called her down, there were too many variables!
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Now boys, you don't know....
:'''Louie''': And you're the richest duck in the world! Why didn't you send up more ships to look for her?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[growing frustrated]'' I spared no expense!
:'''Dewey''': ''[coldly]'' Yeah, right. Cheap old Scrooge probably bailed as soon as it put a dent in his money bin.
:'''Launchpad''': ''[the plane leans further]'' Um, guys?
:'''Webby''': Take it easy Dewey, he may have a point. Even if gifting an experimental rocket to a mother of three was clearly a terrible idea!
:'''Scrooge''': This is a family matter! You are '''not''' family!
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': See here, McDuck. You will '''not''' speak to my granddaughter that way.
:'''Scrooge''': '''You''' will not speak to '''me''' that way! '''None of you!''' After everything I do for you, you're all nothing but trouble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Webby''': Isn't he gonna say goodbye?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': We're taking those vacation days if that's alright with you... sir.
:'''Scrooge''': ''[bitterly]'' Fine.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''[as Webby sadly leaves]'' Well, you've successfully pushed your family and everyone who cared about you away... '''again'''. I hope you're happy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[as Scrooge remembers his efforts to find Della after her accident, as well as everyone's accusations after he told them]''
:'''Louie''': ''...you're the richest duck in the world! Why didn't you send up more ships to look for her?''
:'''Huey''': ''Then you encouraged her to keep flying through a cosmic storm? ... You'd could have called her down, there were too many variables!''
:'''Dewey''': ''...so '''you're''' the reason our mom is gone! ... Cheap old Scrooge probably bailed as soon as it put a dent in his money bin''
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''Well, you've successfully pushed your family and everyone who cared about you away... '''again'''. I hope you're happy.''
:'''Scrooge''': ''[tearing up]'' ...I am.

===The Shadow War!===
:'''Donald''': Wait... where's Dewey?! ''[about to rush off, only to see Dewey sitting on the stairs]''
:'''Dewey''': ''[bitter]'' Nope. Right here. Not stealing the boat. 
:'''Donald''': Oh.
:'''Dewey''': Yep. Back to the good ol' days. Woo-oo.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Magica''': ''[in Lena's body]'' Big day, Magica, ''real'' big day. The eclipse is at hand, my plan is flawless! ''[retches and exits Lena's body]''
:'''Lena''': Let me go!
:'''Magica''': Oh, that's right. I forgot you were here. 
:'''Lena''': I won't let you do this!
:'''Magica''': Yeah, uh-huh, oh except at the moment of the eclipse, my powers will finally unleash, and I'll be an invincible juggernaut of DARK MAGIC! So, you know...

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': ''[pulls up to McDuck Manor's gates, and rings the gate buzzer]'' Howdy, Mr. McDee! Don't worry, I'm not here to check on you on account of everyone moving out, because the boys bland you for launching their mom to space and orphaning them. I'm here to take you out for ice cream! Mmmm, sounds good, right? Family crisis- I mean, ice cream!
:'''Scrooge''': ''[through the speaker]'' Go away.
:'''Magica''': ''[in Lena's body]'' Out?! Moved?! ''Ice cream?!'' Without those kids to let me in, how am I supposed to get my evil, evil vengeance?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Webby and Launchpad discuss their plan to stop Donald and the boys from moving away]''
:'''Webby''': Step one. We throw the boys a farewell party to convince them they don't want to move. 
:'''Launchpad''': Step two. Reveal surprise guest, Scrooge, and remind them how much they all miss each other!
:'''Webby''': Step three. There is no step three, because we just nailed it in two steps!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[McDuck Manor is absolutely trashed with pizza boxes, empty soda cans, and other trash]''
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Uh, how long has your housekeeping staff been gone?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[in his dirty underwear]'' Three days. So how are my so-called &quot;kin&quot;? Miserable, no doubt, living on that disgusting boat. I'm obviously doing much better than they are. ''[spots a possum under a pizza box]'' Pesky possum! Keeps eating my anchovies! ''[chases it with a broom]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Scrooge discovers a hidden stash of treasure in Louie's bedroom, along with a bag of marbles]''
:'''Scrooge''': Sweet, playful marbles. Three to a bag. Red, green, and that rascal blue marble, always rolling whichever way it wants... and ungrateful the lot of them at every turn! After all I did for them, and they just throw it in my face! 
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Yeah, there's nothing worse than marbles. Tea?
:'''Scrooge''': I'm talking about family. 
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Ugh, tell me about it. They disobey you, run you ragged, don't follow through on elaborate revenge plots...
:'''Scrooge''': They spend your money, take over your home, cause trouble, worm their way into your head with fond memories that you cannae get out, no matter how hard you try!
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Cheers to ridding fond memories!
:'''Scrooge''': ''[sits on a throne of pizza boxes]'' And then they leave without as much as a &quot;thank you&quot;!
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Forget family. Who needs 'em?
:'''Scrooge''': I'll drink to that! ''[about to drink Magica's potion, only for a box to fall on his head and cause him to spill it]''
:'''Lena (Magica)''': Of all the idiotic- I mean, I'll go make you another. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': ''[bringing in drinks]'' Mmmm, the Family-tini. Old family recipe. Tastes like the loving embrace of family. 
:'''Huey''': ''[looking at the drinks]'' Are these melted popsicles in cups?
:'''Launchpad''': The stirrer has a riddle on it. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Magica''': ''[as she's freed]'' Feed my power, Dark Eclipse. Free my form from the abyss. Dormant magic now unchain, the Shadow Queen be whole again!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''[presenting the boys with pie]'' Apple shortbread pie, with a scoop of sea salt ice cream. A common farewell dessert in certain parts.
:'''Dewey''': Finally, some real food. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''[takes the pie away]'' Oh, I'm so sorry. This was Scrooge's favorite dessert. I don't want to remind you of that horrid man who lost your mother all those years ago, even if it was an accident that tore him up for ten years, propelling him into a desperate search attempt that left him broken, and nearly bankrupt. 
:'''Louie''': Wait, bankrupt? Really?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': But I understand. You're upset because you lost one family member, which was terrible and painful, so you decided you should go ahead and lose another. Brilliant. Makes perfect rational sense. 
:'''Dewey''': ''[angry]'' Yeah. Nailed it, Mrs. B.
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Yes. Distance yourself even further from his life and forsake family altogether. That will ''definitely'' fix it. 
:'''Launchpad''': No! It'll do the opposite of that!
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Perhaps it's worth considering that the reason Scrooge closed himself off was because the loss of Della was the hardest thing he'd ever faced. Harder than any adventure. It's not that he didn't care, it's that he cared about family more than anything in the world. And perhaps he still does. But I'm just the housekeeper. What do I know?
:'''Launchpad''': A LOT! THIS LADY KNOWS A LOT!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': You wee tenebrous traitor. We welcomed you into our home, only to have you unleash this repugnant beast-monger.
:'''Lena''': She's my aunt! She made me do it. 
:'''Scrooge''': Hmmm. Family! Good for nothing! Left me completely vulnerable to this.
:'''Lena''': Please. Magica only got in here because you threw your family out. My family's good for nothing. Your family is amazing. You fight, and get into trouble, but it doesn't matter, because you, I don't know, love each other or something. Dude, I wish I had your family. 
:'''Scrooge''': ... You're right lass. Help me get my family back, and you'll have a place in it. We're all stronger together. Ready?
:'''Lena''': I'll see what I can do.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as Magica De Spell magically takes everyone's shadow]''
:'''Glomgold''': ''[fighting to hold onto his shadow]'' Where are you going?! You're my shadow! ''[the shadow drops him into the sea]'' CURSE YOU, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donald''': Everybody listen up! ''[unintelligible jabbering]''
:'''Everyone''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Launchpad''': Did anyone get any of that?
:'''Huey''': It's mostly just context clues. 
:'''Louie''': We get like every third word. 
:'''Dewey''': Nope. Completely unintelligible. 
:'''Donald''': ''I'LL SHOW YOU UNINTELLIGIBLE!!!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donald''': ''[after Gyro forcefully gives him the voicebox]'' Hands off of me ''[voice is suddenly much clearer]'' you mad scientist! ''[beat]''
:'''Dewey''': Whoa. He sounds so normal. 
:'''Donald''': Rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers! ''[chuckles]'' Wow! Never been able to say that before! ''[clears throat]'' As I was saying, Uncle Scrooge is in trouble, and it's up to us to help him. And adventure is in our blood! We face down perilous foes and endless danger every day, but we always prevail, because these Ducks don't back down!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Alright, just like when I led that uprising in Eagleslavia. I'll take the wheel, you-
:'''Donald''': Uh-uh! My house, my rules!
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ''[impressed]'' Aye-aye... sir. ''[gives Donald a spear gun]'' Get ready for the storm. 
:'''Donald''': I ''am'' the storm. 
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': ... Seriously, have you been saying things like that this whole time?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Launchpad''': ''[starting up the ''Sunchaser'']'' Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch. Could be dangerous. Suggested flight path?
:'''Darkwing Duck Figure''': Let's get dangerous.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Magica''': ''[as the family begins their attempt to rescue Scrooge]'' Ooh, looks like your family is coming to play. Say goodbye, McDuck. ''[laughs and begins to attack]'' Fore! Home run! Tennis thing! Sports!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donald''': Go save your uncle. I'll keep these palookas at bay!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Hey, couple questions for you. If you were caught in the dime, how come we never saw you in it? Also, Scrooge isn't exactly magical, so how did he manage to trap you in it? Follow up. How does the lunar eclipse factor into all this?
:'''Magica''': Well, you see, I channel my powers- ''[beat]'' It's just ''magic'', okay?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Magica destroys a mirror in the Bin]''
:'''Louie''' Oh no! You broke the Mirror of Tyche!
:'''Magica''': ''[worried]'' The what now?
:'''Louie''': Ancient artifact? Terrible curse if you break it?
:'''Magica''': I've never heard of it, and I am versed in all magics. Gaelic, Demogorgan, Sumerian!
:'''Louie''': Sumerian? You ''were'' in that dime a long time. Well, good luck with the curse. 
:'''Magica''': What kind of curse?!
:'''Louie''': Grave misfortune, increased gullibility, a swift kick in the ribs. 
:'''Magica''': A what? ''[Webby kicks her]'' My ribs!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Scrooge is freed]''
:'''Scrooge''': Way to dispel your own spell, De Spell!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Huey, Louie, the third one... curse me kilts have I missed you.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Roxanne Featherly''': And so Duckburg is saved, thanks to Scrooge McDuck, and his family. 
:'''Della Duck''': ''[gasp]'' Boys?

== Season 2 ==
===The Most Dangerous Game... Night!===
:'''Louie''': I! Need! A! ''Break!''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': I thought life with a treasure hunter would be way more treasure, and way less hunting. 
:'''Huey''': Isn't it great?! Charting the unknown, following in the family tradition of adventure! ''[holding a family portrait of Donald, Scrooge, and Della]''
:'''Louie''': You remember mom got lost in space, right?
:'''Huey''': Well, yeah. But she went solo without any help. We're a fine-tuned action machine! I'm the brains, Webby's the fist, Dewey's the devil-may-care guts, you... are there too!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': There's no better bonding experience than a high-stakes, death-defying adventure. 
:'''Louie''': What about a quiet movie night in? Oh, or make-your-own-pizza night? Ooh, how about game night?
:'''Scrooge''': ''[obvious Hidden excitement in his expression]'' ..... Game night?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''GAAAAME NIIIGHT!!!''
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': Oh no. 
:'''Louie''': Ready for a relaxing night in?
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': You know how competitive he gets when he's trying to best an enemy? On Game Night, we ''are'' the enemies. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': ''[whispering to Donald]'' If we lose, you're out of the will. 
:'''Donald''': I was in the will?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Scrooge keeps guessing Donald's pantomimes correctly]''
:'''Dewey''': Oh, so that's why he picked Donald.
:'''Webby''': He spent 30 years guessing what Donald was saying, he must get good at non-verbal communication.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': ''[after Gyro and Launchpad have been shrunk]'' Louie, I know this is our night off, but we gotta do something. 
:'''Louie''': Why? Gyro's a genius, and Launchpad has crashed so many times, I'm convinced he may be immortal!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': ''[after Laumchpad calls, after nearly getting crushed by a jenga tower, causing an emotional joyous reaction from Huey and Louie]'' It's nice to talk to friends on the phone. It's so much more personal than texting!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Behold, the final challenge. Scroogeopoly! The thrilling game of finance and property acquisition. 
:'''Dewey''': The final challenger feels extremely rigged. Your face is literally on the box. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': I have 13 different apologies depending on how mad you are.
:'''Scrooge''': Close the door.
:'''Louie''': Oh, you're ''that'' mad.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Scrooge''': Do you know how I made my fortune?
:'''Louie''': Yes. By being tougher than the toughies, and smarter than the smarties.
:'''Scrooge''': ''And'' sharper than the sharpies. People don't know about that one. The ability to read a situation and see all the shortcuts and the possibilities. Your mother could do it. So can you. 
:'''Louie''': I can?
:'''Scrooge''': I should have seen it, the way you were picking apart those adventures earlier. The &quot;whoa,&quot; the &quot;wait, what,&quot; the &quot;aah.&quot;  If you apply that gift, you might be a bigger billionaire than I am one day. ''[gives Louie the idol]'' Here. It's not a Number One Dime, but it's a start.

===The Depths of Cousin Fethry!===
:'''Scrooge''': ''[as his can-phone rings]'' Do ''not'' answer that. ''[sigh]'' That can is your Cousin Fethry calling from a top-secret deep-sea laboratory. 
:'''Dewey''': Top secret?!
:'''Huey''': Deep-sea laboratory?!
:'''Scrooge''': Don't get too excited. Fethry's a bit... well, he's, uh...
:'''Donald''': He's cuckoo bananas.
:'''Scrooge''': Best to ignore it. Every time we get a call from Fethry, we rush down there just to go on some fool's errand wrapped up in a needlessly dangerous adventure. With rambling lectures...
:'''Donald''': And the explosions...
:'''Scrooge''': And avoiding that mega-tsunami...
:'''Donald''': And the explosions...
:'''Scrooge''': All to see a barnacle formation in the shape of a tractor or some such nonsense. 
:'''Donald''': Big waste of time. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Oceanika''': ''[seductivly]'' Launchpad! Oh Launchpad!
:'''Launchpad''': Oceanika? Is that you, my love?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Wow! This guy kinda sounds like you.
:'''Huey''': Genius? Visionary? In charge of a massive research facility?
:''[they watch Fethry lick a substance on a computer monitor]''
:'''Dewey''': Weird. You're both really into weird stuff. Aw, you found one of your own. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fethry Duck''': Donalds? I'd like you to meet our distinguished team. 
:'''Huey''': ''[excited]'' Oooooh!
:'''Fethry''': ''[holding a jar of bioluminescent shrimp]'' Team, meet Lil' Donalds One and Two. Boys, meet Charles, Sylvia, Cameron, Philippe, Fish Breath, Simone, Virgil, Beverly, Nicholas, Alistair, Benji, Dr. Krill, and of course, the ever-feisty Hans.
:'''Huey''': Uhhh...
:'''Dewey''': ''That's'' the team?!
:'''Fethry''': Mhmm. Their natural bioluminescence can light our way if need be. It guarantees we always have a light source as we go deeper. 
:'''Huey''': See? Not weird. Brilliant and resourceful and-
:'''Dewey''': He's ''singing'' to them. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': Am I right that this is the bathypelagic zone we're approaching?
:'''Fethry''': Down here we call it the deep deep total absolute very very bottom zone. It's easier to remember. 
:'''Dewey''': Whoa. Like a mirror into your future. 
:'''Huey''': Come on. I mean, sure, we're both clearly brilliant, but we're not that similar. 
:'''Dewey''': Okay, okay. You both have the &quot;nerd out&quot; gene, you're both obsessed with weird stuff, you both wear red caps that you never take off.
:'''Huey &amp; Fethry''': ''[pull out their Junior Woodchuck Guidebooks; in unison]'' The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook states that a warm head breeds warm, healthy thoughts. ''[Huey trails off into an interrogation at the last part]''
:'''Fethry''': Ah, always good to see a fellow Chucker.
:'''Huey''': ''[nervously]'' I'm not ''that'' into the Junior Woodchucks. More of a part-time hobby. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Well, Huey's gone sea-mad. We're dead. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Mitzy saves Fethry, Huey, and Dewey]''
:'''Huey''': She saved him! She saved all of us! She truly is-
:'''Dewey''': The Dewnificent Krilldebeest. Write that down in your book. Did you get it? Did you hear what I said?
:'''Huey''': Uh, sure. 
:'''Dewey''': No, come on, write it. It's science now. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Launchpad is dressed in aquatic armor, and holding a trident]''
:'''Launchpad''': Farewell, sweet Oceanika. Whenever I put a conch shell to my ear, I won't hear the ocean, I'll hear your-
:'''Dewey''': Uh, Launchpad, what happened to you?
:'''Launchpad''': Oh. Just ran into an old friend, snorkeled around, saw some... sea stuff.

===The Ballad of Duke Baloney!===
===The Town Where Everyone Was Nice!===
:'''Huey''': Breathe, just breathe.
:'''Donald''': I've done nothing with my life! I'm a failure!
:'''Scrooge''': Awww, that never bothered you before.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Donald''': Aw, phooey. I'm going out there if you like it or not!

===Storkules in Duckburg!===
===Last Christmas!===
:'''Della''': Merry Christmas, boys. I'll see you soon.

===Whatever Happened to Della Duck?!===
===Treasure of the Found Lamp!===
===The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck!===
===The 87 Cent Solution!===
===The Golden Spear!===
:'''Della''': I'm home.

===Nothing Can Stop Della Duck!===
:'''Dewey''': Who's the cyborg?
:'''Huey''': Is that...?
:'''Louie''': It can't be.
:'''Webby''': Guys, I think that's your mom.
:''[Della sits on her knees with water welling in her eyes]''
:'''Scrooge''': Huey, Dewey, Louie...meet Della Duck.
:'''Dewey''': ''[chuckles]'' I'm part robot! I knew it! ''[runs up to his mother and hugs her]''
:'''Della''': ''[her joy turns to confusion]'' Wait, Huey, Dewey, and Louie?! No, no, no. Their names were supposed to be Jet, Turbo, and Rebel!
:'''Dewey''': ''[shocked]'' I could’ve been Turbo?!
:'''Della''': I told Donald. I wrote it down in case no one could understand him.
:'''Dewey''': I could’ve been ''TURBO?!?!''

===Raiders of the Doomsday Vaut!===
===Friendship Hates Magic!===
===The Dangerous Chemistry of Gandra Dee!===
:'''Gandra Dee''': Did you drink ''more'' than one of the serum vials?
:'''Beaks''': Yes! I told you, I was ''bored''!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Beaks''': Bigger than Gizmoduck, it's Mega-Beaks! Oh, and you're all incredibly dead!

===The Duck Knight Returns!===
:'''Launchpad''': That is ''not'' Darkwing Duck. D.W.’d never hurt innocent people or set the city on fire. Not on purpose.
:'''Alistair''': But are we all not both the heroes ''and'' the villains of our own story?
:'''Launchpad''': What? I don’t-- What?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Drake Mallard''': Mr. Starling! We met at the signing. You fell on me, remember? It was a huge honor. Do you have any words of wisdom for the man to stepping into your cape?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Jim Starling''': It was all a setup. That hack put my fan in danger to steal the glory and humiliate me! They want grim and gritty, huh? Happy to play the part! ''[turns and reveals his outfit color changed into Negaduck’s]''

===Whatever Happened to Donald Duck?!===
===Happy Birthday, Doofus Drake!===
:'''Louie''': I don't think you need a Gummeemama.
:'''Mr. &amp; Mrs. Drake''': Gummee--
:'''Louie''': Knock it off. I think you need ''someone'' your own age to get close too. Happy Birthday, Doofus. I got you a new baby brother. ''[trashes &quot;Beaks&quot; setting on B.O.Y.D. settings app to active &quot;parents&quot; setting]'' He's only a day old.
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': Mommy? Daddy?
:'''Mrs. Drake''': Come here, son. ''[she and Mr. Drake hug B.O.Y.D.]''
:'''Doofus''': ''[throwing a tantrum]'' No! No! You will obey ''me''! I'll cut off your money!
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': Don't worry, I'll transfer half of Gummeemama's money out of Doofus' account and into mine. After all, she was ''my'' Gummeemama too.
:'''Doofus''': What?! No! She was ''my'' Gummeemama! Gummeemama. Mine. You sentimental toaster!
:'''Mrs. Drake''': Don't you speak to your brother that way. You're grounded, indefinitely!
:'''Doofus''': ''[gasps]'' He's ''not'' even my brother!
:'''Mr. Drake''': I'm free.
:'''Doofus''': ''[vowing]'' I'll get you this, Llewellyn Duck!

===A Nightmare on Killmotor Hill!===
:'''Dewey''': Who’s dream is this anyway? It’s just our room. It’s bor- ''[shockingly witnesses Huey’s tall limbs and screams]'' Why, Huey?! Why?! Why, Huey?! WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y?!!
:'''Huey''': Whatever do you mean? Nothing strange here. Just a tall, distinguished, mature oldest sibling.
:'''Dewey''': In what world does that description equal this?!
:'''Huey''': ''[snapping]'' I’m not good at imagination stuff, OKAY?!

===The Golden Armory of Cornelius Coot!=== 
===Timephoon!===
:'''Scrooge''': I'm sure you learned... something.
:'''Della''': No. Not this time.
:'''Louie''': What? But I really am sorry! We hugged and everything!
:'''Della''': I watched your brothers blink out of existence because you wanted a shortcut to riches!
:'''Louie''': I said I was sorry!
:'''Della''': You took off in that contraption without thinking about the consequences, or the people you would hurt!
:'''Louie''': ''[annoyed]'' I wonder who I got that from.
:''[Everyone gasps]'' 
:'''Launchpad''': Oh...
:'''Mrs. Beakley''': See here, young man...
:'''Della''': ''[holds up her hand, pausing Beakley]'' Your little scheme to bypass the present almost cost us our future. This all stops now! You are grounded! No schemes, no treasures, and Louie Incorporated is ''done''! Understand?
:'''Louie''': Look, let me clean up, okay? Uncle Scrooge? Mrs. B? Come on!
:'''Della''': To your room!
:'''Louie''': ''[marches to his room, kicks the Time Tub; mumbling]'' Stupid perfect scheme.

===GlomTales!===
:'''Louie''': OK, being grounded forever isn't so bad. I've got my phone, my phone is also a TV, which is nice. ''[turns on his phone only seeing his mother on screen]''
:'''Della''' ''[onscreen]'' Hi, Louie! You're super grounded, so I blocked your phone signal and replaced all your videos with this lecture on ethics!
:'''Louie''': Way ahead of you!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Louie''': You're heading to Big Rock Candy Mountain? Oh, I am going.
:'''Della''': No, you are ''still'' grounded.
:'''Louie''': What? No, WHAT?
:'''Scrooge''': Err, come on kids, let's finish packing.
:'''Louie''': Big Rock Candy Mountain is the laziest quest of all time! It's my dream.
:'''Della''': Your last &quot;dream&quot; made you take treasure from the past, which almost destroyed time, space, and your family! Now, to your room! You can come out when you learned that no good ever came from cockamamie schemes!

===The Richest Duck in the World!===
===Moonvasion!===
:'''Della''': Donald?
:'''Donald''': Della?
:''[Donald and Della walk to each face to face and scream angrily]''
:'''Donald &amp; Della''': ''[in unison]'' WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!
:'''Della''': If you were home when I got back, you'd know I was stuck on the moon which by the way, is invading us!
:'''Donald''': I know! I warned ''you''!
:'''Della''': We didn't get a warning!
:'''Dewey''': ''[breaks them up]'' Stop yelling at each other! ''[strangles Donald]'' I could've been named Turbo! You owe me eleven years of Turbo!
:'''Della''': ''[picks Dewey up]'' Don’t change the subject! Just because I missed you doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you!
:'''Donald''': I missed you too, you big dummy!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bradford''': This has gone too far. The ducks almost cost us the world today. And without the world, who would we larceny against? The pieces are finally in place. Time to come out of the shadows, take control and end Clan McDuck. If the McDuck family wants an adventure... we'll give them their ''last''.

==Season 3==
===Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks!===
:'''Gandra Dee''': The ducks found the journal.
:'''Black Heron''': Access to the most mysterious relics lost to time.
:'''Bradford''': Then the race...is on.

===Quack Pack!===
===Double-O-Duck in You Only Crash Twice!===
'''Launchpad''': Pad. Launchpad. McQuack. My name is Launchpad McQuack.
===The Lost Harp of Mervana!===
===Louie's Eleven!===
:'''Scrooge''': Sorry to interrupt. ''[turns off radio]'' But, WHY ARE YOU IN MY BATHROOM?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''José''': That's the fourth rich guys bathroom we've been kicked out of.
:'''Panchito''': What are we doing wrong?
:'''Donald''': We just need someone to listen to us.
:'''Louie''': Oh. I'm listening. You wanna be famous?
:'''Donald''': Uh, sure.
:'''Panchito''': Absolutely!
:'''José''': More than anything!
:'''Louie''': And you're willing to do whatever I say at any cost whatsoever?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''José''': We must get on this blog!
:'''Donald''': But how?!
:'''Panchito''': Why will no one tell us?!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Panchito''': We perform for Glamour!
:'''José''': We get on the IT list before it's posted online!
:'''Donald''': We'll be famous around the planet!
:'''Dewey''': Internet fame, the most important fame of all.
:'''Donald''': I don't know. How do we get in?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dewey''': Why is Falcon Graves working security here? He's gonna recognize me and know we're not invited to the party.
:'''José''': Maybe he'll won't remember you.
:'''Dewey''': The last time I saw him, I cost a millions of dollars and threw him off a building.
:'''Donald''': Ooh.
:'''Panchito''': Eee, that ''does'' make this harder.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Daisy''': ''[face turning red with anger and fury, attack Graves]'' Ahh! That's ruining our big chance and an event I have been planning for months! I WILL NOT BE RECOMMENDING YOUR SERVICES TO OTHERS!

===Astro B.O.Y.D.!===
:'''Fenton''': Dr. Gearloose?
:'''Gyro''': Intern.
:'''Fenton''': Can we have a word?
:'''Gyro''': Oh, here's two: leave now. Nothing can distract me--
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': Dr. Gearloose?
:'''Gyro''': ''[gasps and exclaims]'' Where did you get that thing?!
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': I haven't seen you since... I can't remember.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Gyro, Huey, B.O.Y.D. and Fenton arrive in Tokyolk]''
:'''Gyro''': Remember, no one can know we're here. We have to remain discreet.
:''[A car pulls up and a crow named Inspector Tezuka steps out]''
:'''Tezuka''': Gearloose!
:'''Gyro''': Oh, no. Hide 2-B.0. Ah, Inspector Tezuka. Konnichiwa. What are you doing in Tokyolk-- ''[Tezuka grabs hold of him]'' Ow!
:'''Tezuka''': Keeping it safe from evil robots. You got a lot of nerve showing your mech-loving mug around here.
:'''Gyro''': We both know I was cleared of those crimes. Ow!
:'''Huey''': Crimes?
:'''Tezuka''': But your mentor, Dr. Akita, wasn't. So where are you hiding him?!
:'''Gyro''': I haven't seen Akita since he disappeared.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Huey''': What is all this?
:'''Gyro''': It was Tokyolk's most advance research lab. This is where 2-B.O. was built.
:'''Fenton''': And where Dr. Gyro Gearloose was born! Was this your lab coat? Was this your stool? Was this your Trinocular Inverted Metallurgical Microscope? ''[gets dust in his eye]'' Ah! Dust in my eye! The dust of genius!
:'''Gyro''': All right, knock it off, intern.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Gyro''': All right, let's finish this and go-- ''[notices Huey, B.O.Y.D. and Fenton have gone]'' HEY! ''[angry]'' '''INTERN!!!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Fenton''': Huey, step away from B.O.Y.D. You don't know what he's capable of.
:'''Huey''': Sure, I do. He just saved me with his rocket feet.
:'''Gyro''': And that is the problem. His weapon systems are back online. We wait any longer and the city is doomed.
:''[Gyro, Fenton and Tezuka all start arguing]''
:'''Huey''': ''[breaks up the argument]'' Stop trying to make B.O.Y.D. something he's not. He didn't glitch once while we were having fun. He was just being a kid.
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': Dr. Gearloose, please, I'm a definitely real boy. Why can't you see that?
:'''Gyro''': ''[sighs]'' Because deep down, you're ''this.'' ''[hands B.O.Y.D. the tablet with a recorded video]'' This is 2-B.O.'s core memory. Dr. Akita and I invented 2-B.O. to be the city's prime defense robot, but during the test run, 2-B.O. lost control and attacked the city, until Tezuka finally took it down. 2-B.O. was the first invention I worked on that turned evil, and I have spent my whole life trying to live that down. 2-B.O., B.O.Y.D., whatever, is dangerous down to its core.
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': But, you said you could fix me, so I'd never malfunction again.
:'''Gyro''': Yes. By shutting you down for good.
:'''Huey''': ''[grabs hold of Gyro's arm]'' B.O.Y.D., run! Get out of here!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tezuka''': No, not again.
:'''Gyro''': No. Not again. Save Gizmoduck. I've got to destroy 2-B.O. for good.
:'''Huey''': You can't! This is not who B.O.Y.D. is! He's a--a definitely real boy!
:'''Gyro''': It's just made to look that way! You ''saw'' its first memories! ''[holds up the tablet]'' At 2-B.O.'s core, it's a weapon!
:'''Huey''': Wait, there's ''more'' there. Hidden under all those old memories!
:''[Gyro speaks gibberish, Huey takes the tablet and plays another old memory]''
:'''Young Gyro''': All systems online. Welcome to the world, 2-B.O.
:'''B.O.Y.D.''': ''[turns to the reflection]'' Am I a real boy?
:'''Young Gyro''': Hm. Definitely. ''[hugs B.O.Y.D.]''
:''[Video memory changes to Akita and Young Gyro]''
:'''Akita''': No, he's not. This is a defense drone.
:'''Young Gyro''': Isn't he more than that? Yes, he's dealing with some first-time jitters, but I think--
:'''Akita''': No. Now, go prep the monitors for the field test. ''[turns and walk to B.O.Y.D.]'' 2-B.O., you are a rare breed. The ultimate weapon. Overwrite all of Gyro's &quot;Real Boy&quot; programming, and execute protocol ''World Breaker''.
:'''Gyro''': ''[shocked gasp]'' That ''was'' his core, until Akita overwrote my work. 2-B.O. never had a choice. ''You'' forced him to be a weapon!
:'''Akita''': Oh, intern, 2-B.O. is, and will always be, a weapon for destruction. For power. For evil.
:'''Gyro''': Not all my inventions are evil! Some are just wildy misunderstood!

===The Rumble for Ragnarok!===
===The Phantom and the Sorceress!===
===They Put a Moonlander on the Earth!===
===The Trickening!===
===The Forbidden Fountain of the Foreverglades!===
:'''Dewey''': What are you guys staring at?
:'''Louie''': Dewey, are you ''taller?''
:'''Dewey''': What? ''[looks down at his legs]'' I must've... had a growth spurt!
:'''Huey''': That's crazy, you hatched ''after'' me.

===Let's Get Dangerous!===
===Escape from the ImpossiBin!===

===The Split Sword of Swanstantine!===
===New Gods on the Block!===
===The First Adventure!===
===The Fight for Castle McDuck!===
===How Santa stole Christmas!===
===Beaks in the Shell!===
===The Lost Cargo of Kit Cloudkicker!===
===The Life and Crimes of Scrooge McDuck!===
===The Last Adventure!===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]
[[Category:Disney XD shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about ducks]]
[[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]]</text>
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      <text bytes="10448" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (1937 ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="10449" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="11578" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="11582" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="12839" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="13388" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Will Rogers, A Boy's Life (1937) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="13825" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="13848" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="15881" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="15908" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Will Rogers, A Boy's Life (1937) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="16589" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="16743" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="16907" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Alexander Koester - In the Wood, the Robbers are Over There.jpg|thumb|Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17240" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Alexander Koester - In the Wood, the Robbers are Over There.jpg|thumb|Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17217" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17221" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|[[Boy]]s everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <comment>Norman, OK was a longtime (and final) residence of Harold Keith.</comment>
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      <text bytes="17315" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Norman July 2019 37 (rail line).jpg|thumb|Rail line in Norman, Oklahoma in July 2019]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|[[Boy]]s everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Will Rogers, A Boy's Life (1937) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="17321" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Norman July 2019 37 (rail line).jpg|thumb|Rail line in Norman, Oklahoma in July 2019]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|[[Boy]]s everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;'''One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;'''
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="17916" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Norman July 2019 37 (rail line).jpg|thumb|Rail line in Norman, Oklahoma in July 2019]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|[[Boy]]s everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;'''One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;'''
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

* We are grateful to Mr. Keith for writing this wonderful story of the childhood of Will Rogers and for consenting to have it reprinted. Since the research was done in 1936, Keith was able to personally interview the folks who knew my father best and that makes this biography truly unique. We are especially glad this book will again be in schools and libraries so that it can be read and enjoyed by generations who were not lucky enough to know my Dad.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the back cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18297" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Harold Keith|Harold Verne Keith]]''' (April 8, 1903 – February 24, 1998) was a [[w:Newbery Medal|Newbery Medal]]-winning American author. Keith was born and raised in Oklahoma, where he also lived and died. The state was his abiding passion and he used Oklahoma as the setting for most of his books.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Norman July 2019 37 (rail line).jpg|thumb|Rail line in Norman, Oklahoma in July 2019]]
[[File:Henry Scott Tuke - A boy with an oar.jpg|thumb|[[Boy]]s everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other.]]

=== ''[[Will Rogers]], A Boy's Life'' (1937) ===
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you [[Kemper Military School|here]], too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. Republished in 1991 by Levite of Apache, Norman, Oklahoma. All quotes are from the 1991 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;

* Mary and Clem were the very soul of hospitality, and the Rogers house was seldom without visitors. It was Mary's custom to bring some family home from church with her for dinner each Sunday- and in those days when people came for dinner they stayed all day and often all night as well. Mary always fed them bountifully, kept them as long as they would stay, and when they departed, they did not go away empty-handed. Perhaps it was apples or peaches from the orchard, a basket of grapes, or a bit of Mary's own baking that her guests took home with them. But it was always something.&lt;br&gt;Clem often invited neighbors to go fishing with him, and when they did, these neighbors would come the night before so that a good early start could be made. Whole families would go in wagons to Four Mile Creek, where the perch and bass were so thick that they would strike not only at the baited hook, but also at the colored cork on each line. The catch would always be taken back to the Rogers farm where a big fish dinner would be served. An atmosphere of such friendliness could not fail to leave its impress on the child, Will Rogers, and it implanted in him an open-hearted generosity that was one of his chief characteristics throughout his life.
** p. 12-13

* Will's early years were much like those of other children in ranch houses or on farms. He rarely went to town because there were no towns near. Vinita, thirty miles east, was a straggling Indian village on the prairie, Old Claremore was a tiny cluster of stores on the stage route from Vinita to Albuquerque, and Tulsa was then only a switch. But Will was not interested in towns, and cared only for ranch life. There were so many fascinating things to do on his father's farm that the days were not long enough to get all of them done.
** p. 13

* Those were stirring times out on that wild frontier- rough, dangerous times in many ways. But to young Will Rogers, growing up on his father's range, that frontier was the garden spot of the world. He had a comfortable home, kind parents, jolly playmates, and the whole country-side for a playground. But above all, he was happy because he was learning to rope and ride, the two things he cared for most in all the world.
** p. 30-31

* From his earliest childhood Will Rogers had strongly defined characteristics. He was by nature affectionate and fun-loving and, though he loved to tease and play pranks on his friends, there was no malice in him. Underneath his love of fun and his careless ways, there was a great sensitiveness which, in his early years at least, sometimes caused him unhappiness. But he was quick to forgive those who hurt him as he was to ask forgiveness when he himself was in the wrong, and this, as well as many other lovable traits, made Will Rogers a great favorite among his classmates at Willie Halsell.
** p. 78-79

* Just behind the school there was a one-hundred-and-sixty acre blue grass pasture, and Will and Charley and some of the other boys conceived the brilliant plan of leaving the gate of this pasture open, so that the strange cattle that ran at large might drift in to feet on the grass there. When they had lured the cattle into the pasture they would close the gate and ride and rope to their heart's content. &lt;br&gt;This was an exciting game and they might have gone on with it indefinitely, but one day at round-up time, &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier missed some of his cattle. After looking all over the country for them, he found them at last in the pasture being ridden and roped by a crowd of shouting boys. &quot;Doc&quot; Frazier was furious at first and threatened to take the boys' ropes from them. Will, realizing how serious this would be, decided to try to save the day by diplomacy. &quot;Aw, Doc,&quot; he said with a disarming grin, &quot;we didn't mean any harm. Anyhow you ought to be proud of them cows now. We've got 'em all gentled and broke to ride!&quot; The boys kept their ropes but they had to abandon the school pasture as a roping place.
** p. 83-84

* '''Boys everywhere are quick to recognize and respect any kind of talent in each other''', and one of Will Rogers' best talents was talking.
** p. 100

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;'''One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;'''
** p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** p. 110

=== ''[[w:Rifles for Watie|Rifles for Watie]]'' (1957) ===
:&lt;small&gt;New York: Thomas Y. Crowell. All quotes are from the original 1957 hardcover publication.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Keystone State Park, OK (3824744372).jpg|thumb|Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.]]
[[File:Seal of Kansas.svg|thumb|They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.]]
[[File:Magnolia flowers (Wiesbaden, Germany).JPG|thumb|Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;]]
[[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;]]

* '''Few Americans know how savagely the Civil War raged or how strange and varied were its issues in what is now Oklahoma and the neighboring states of Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas. ''Rifles for Watie'' was faithfully written against the historical backdrop of the conflict in this seldom-publicized, Far-Western theater.'''
** Author's Note, p. xi

* &quot;I jined up fer a frolic,&quot; laughed a tall fellow from Republic County with warts on his face. He turned to his messmate, a blond boy from Fort Scott. &quot;Why did you come in?&quot; &quot;Wal, by Jack, because I thought the rebels was gonna take over the whole country.&quot; &quot;I joined up because they told me the rebels was cuttin' out Union folks' tongues and killin' their babies. After I got here, I found out all it was over was wantin' to free the niggers,&quot; complained another, disgustedly. &quot;I decided I'd jest as well be in the army as out in the besh. Now I'm about to decide I'd druther be in the bresh,&quot; snorted another. '''They were nearly all frowsy-headed, boot-shod, and lonely-looking, fresh from the new state's farms, ranches, and raw young prairie towns. Before the war ended, [[Kansas]] furnished more men and boys to the Union forces in proportion to its population than any other state. And all of them were volunteers.'''
** p. 22

* Jeff smiled to himself and went on eating. He had heard his father discuss the issues so often that he knew them forward and backward. But he saw no need for injecting himself into the conversation here. Besides, he was too busy with his supper. The food was good, and there was lots of it. In bed that night in the barracks, Jeff turned on his stomach and sighed with satisfaction. At last he was in the Army.
** p. 22

* &quot;What's the farthest you ever walked on one trip?&quot; Jeff asked. Noah gazed distractedly at the parched ground passing beneath their feet. Then his white teeth flashed briefly in his tanned, leathery face. &quot;I guess it was two years ago when I hiked from Topeka, Kansas, to Galveston, Texas. Why?&quot; Jeff shrugged. &quot;Oh, no particular reason. I just wondered.&quot; They tramped fifty yards more in the broiling sunshine. &quot;How come you walked clear from Kansas to Galveston?&quot; Noah turned his somber face seriously toward Jeff. &quot;You probably won't believe me, youngster, but I wanted to see the magnolias in bloom.&quot; Jeff caught his breath in surprise. Estimating fast, he reckoned it was roughly about nine hundred miles from Topeka to Galveston. If a fellow could stand all that walking, it would take about a month and a half to hoof it down there and another month and a half to hoof it back. '''Eighteen hundred miles just to see some flowers. Jeff stole another look at Noah. If anybody would do it, Noah Babbitt would be the man. Jeff said simply, &quot;I believe you. Did you get to see them?&quot; Noah nodded solemnly. &quot;Shore did. An' they was worth every foot of the trip.&quot;'''
** p. 43-44

* When one of the surgeons motioned him outside, Jeff was glad to leave. &quot;So long, kid,&quot; the sandy-haired man called after him. Then noticing Jeff's stricken face, he added apologetically, &quot;I don't care, kid. I never could dance worth a darn anyhow.&quot;
** p. 71

* The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: &quot;...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress.&quot;'''
** p. 141-142

* Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. &quot;Shoot, General,&quot; Jeff blurted in protest, &quot;all we did was load her and swab her.&quot;
** p. 142

* Jeff rode north up the military road. It was a cloudy morning in June, 1865. The war was over, and they were going home. It was hard to get used to being out of the army. He had traveled so widely, learned so much, and had so many things happen to him that it seemed he had been gone fifteen years instead of nearly four. He wanted very much to see his family. And he wanted very much to see Kansas, now that peace had finally come.
** p. 317

* Restless, he climbed through the open window to keep from awakening his family and spread his blankets on the Bermuda outside. Sleeping outdoors on the ground was a habit he would have for many years. He settled back comfortably upon the blanket. The Kansas sky was spangled with blazing stars. They shone so brightly that he imagined he could almost hear the crackle of their fires. Down in the corral a cowbell tinkled faintly. He felt a slight movement at his side and saw that Ring had joined him and was lying close by, his head upon his forepaws. Reaching over with his hand, Jeff gave the big dog a couple of pats. Then he closed his eyes. Soon he began to breathe deeply and regularly.
** p. 332

== Quotes about Keith ==

* Harold Keith grew up near the Cherokee country he describes in ''Rifles for Watie''. A native Oklahoman, he was educated at Northwestern State Teachers College at Alva and at the University of Oklahoma, where he was a long distance runner. While traveling in eastern Oklahoma doing research on his master's thesis in history, Mr. Keith found a great deal of fresh, unused material about the Civil War in the Indian country. Deciding he might someday write a historical novel about it, he interviewed twenty-two Civil War veterans then living in Oklahoma and Arkansas; and much of the background of ''Rifles for Watie'' came from the notebooks he filled at the time. The actual writing of this book took five years. Since 1930, the author has been sports publicity director at the University of Oklahoma, famous for its national collegiate championship football and wrestling teams. Mr. Keith is married and has a son and daughter. He was awarded the Newberry Medal for 1957 for ''Rifles for Watie''.
** About the Author, ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957) by Harold Keith. New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, p. 334

* My father would have loved this book as Mr. Keith interviewed every person who was important in Dad's life and then wove their memories of him into a story that is timeless and easily read.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the front cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

* We are grateful to Mr. Keith for writing this wonderful story of the childhood of Will Rogers and for consenting to have it reprinted. Since the research was done in 1936, Keith was able to personally interview the folks who knew my father best and that makes this biography truly unique. We are especially glad this book will again be in schools and libraries so that it can be read and enjoyed by generations who were not lucky enough to know my Dad.
** Will Rogers, Jr., on the back cover of the 1991 republished hardcover of ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Keith, Harold}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Historical novelists]]
[[Category:Children's authors]]
[[Category:1903 births]]
[[Category:1998 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Oklahoma]]</text>
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      <text bytes="6620" xml:space="preserve">'''Maryland''' is a state in the Mid-Atlantic region of the Southeastern United States, bordering Virginia, West Virginia, and the District of Columbia to its south and west; Pennsylvania to its north; and Delaware and the Atlantic Ocean to its east. The state's largest city is Baltimore, and its capital is Annapolis. Among its occasional nicknames are Old Line State, the Free State, and the Chesapeake Bay State. It is named after the English queen Henrietta Maria, known in England as Queen Mary, who was the wife of King Charles I.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Flag of Maryland.svg|thumb|Flag of Maryland]]
[[File:Seal of Maryland (reverse).svg|thumb|I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]? ~ [[Larry Hogan]]]]
[[File:Wea02110 - Flickr - NOAA Photo Library.jpg|thumb|Clopper Lake in Seneca Creek State Park]]
[[File:Hagerstown Downtown Potomac St.JPG|thumb|Potomac Street in Hagerstown]]
[[File:Patapsco fg01.jpg|thumb|Patapsco River in Patapsco Valley State Park]]
[[File:121011-N-OA833-002 (24401310884).jpg|thumb|United States Naval Academy in Annapolis]]

* '''I look upon my departure from Colonel Lloyd's plantation as one of the most interesting events of my life.''' It is possible, and even quite probable, that but for the mere circumstance of being removed from that plantation to Baltimore, I should have to-day, instead of being here seated by my own table, in the enjoyment of freedom and the happiness of home, writing this Narrative, been confined in the galling chains of slavery. '''Going to live at Baltimore laid the foundation, and opened the gateway, to all my subsequent prosperity.''' I have ever regarded it as the first plain manifestation of that kind providence which has ever since attended me, and marked my life with so many favors. I regarded the selection of myself as being somewhat remarkable. There were a number of slave children that might have been sent from the plantation to Baltimore.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], ''[[w:Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave|Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave]]'' (1845), Chapter 5.

*&lt;p&gt;Maryland Democrat and 2016 presidential aspirant Martin O'Malley called the Baltimore riots a 'wake-up call' for the entire country. O'Malley was a fixture in Baltimore politics and government for 24 years before Baltimore exploded last week. '''Was he asleep during that time?''' Eight years on Baltimore’s city council, eight years as Baltimore mayor, and eight years as Maryland’s governor. During much of O’Malley’s quarter century in power, he had an invulnerable Democratic majority in Annapolis, powerful Maryland Democrats in the U.S. House and Senate, and Democrats in charge in the White House. O’Malley’s tenure held promise for Maryland. But the promise was squandered when he failed to turn Maryland around...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;No living Maryland Democrat has been better positioned than Martin O’Malley to remake Baltimore. William Schaefer, Maryland’s late governor and Baltimore mayor, is remembered for building the Camden Yards ballfield and cleaning up Baltimore’s once-dilapidated waterfront. But O’Malley will be remembered for his 'rain tax', crony capitalism, the jail debacle, and mass arrests. He will also be remembered for hubris: How else to describe a man who rushed to Baltimore from abroad to parade in front of the cameras during the riots? Today’s city hall has much to answer for, but O’Malley also deserves much of the blame for last week’s chaos in Maryland’s largest city. In fact, Baltimoreans heckled O’Malley when he appeared on street corners last week to mew at them about the riots. The people know their heroes.&lt;/p&gt;
**Richard J. Douglas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/417958/how-martin-omalley-created-todays-baltimore-richard-j-douglas &quot;How Martin O'Malley Created Today's Baltimore&quot;] (6 May 2015), ''National Review''.

===&quot;[http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)===
*I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]?
*Today, I am reminded of those [[brave]] Marylanders who first came to this [[land]] seeking [[freedom]] and [[opportunity]] when they landed in [[St. Mary's City, Maryland|St. Mary's City]] in [[1634]].&amp;nbsp; While the challenges facing us today are different, I know that the [[courage]] and the spirit of Marylanders is the same.
*We seek the [[freedom]] to [[compete]] without the undue burden of high [[taxes]] and [[bureaucratic]] regulations, which make us less competitive.&amp;nbsp; We seek [[opportunities]] to build better [[communities]], better [[businesses]], and better [[lives]] for ourselves, our [[children]], and our children's children.&amp;nbsp; And most of all, we cherish both the freedom and opportunity to [[decide]] our [[future]].&amp;nbsp; And today, we celebrate that freedom and opportunity.&amp;nbsp; What I envision for Maryland is not just an [[economic]] and fiscal recovery, but a rebirth of our [[spirit]], and a renewed commitment to our common [[purpose]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; One [[century|hundred years]] from now, I want Marylanders to say, &quot;This was when [[Maryland]]'s renaissance began.&quot;&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; Let us appeal to the better angels of our nature so that we can achieve the great and shining [[promise]] of Maryland.
*The [[history]] of our great state is rich and deep, and our commitment to [[freedom]] and [[justice]] has always been our [[strength]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; In our [[hearts]], Marylanders are hard-wired for [[inclusiveness]].&amp;nbsp; It's who we are, it's our founding [[principle]], it's part of our [[identity]], and it is our greatest strength.

{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="6729" xml:space="preserve">'''Maryland''' is a state in the Mid-Atlantic region of the Southeastern United States, bordering Virginia, West Virginia, and the District of Columbia to its south and west; Pennsylvania to its north; and Delaware and the Atlantic Ocean to its east. The state's largest city is Baltimore, and its capital is Annapolis. Among its occasional nicknames are Old Line State, the Free State, and the Chesapeake Bay State. It is named after the English queen Henrietta Maria, known in England as Queen Mary, who was the wife of King Charles I.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Flag of Maryland.svg|thumb|Flag of Maryland]]
[[File:Seal of Maryland (reverse).svg|thumb|I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]? ~ [[Larry Hogan]]]]
[[File:Patapsco Swinging Bridge 2020b.jpg|thumb|Swinging Bridge in Patapsco Valley State Park, Avalon Area]]
[[File:Wea02110 - Flickr - NOAA Photo Library.jpg|thumb|Clopper Lake in Seneca Creek State Park]]
[[File:Hagerstown Downtown Potomac St.JPG|thumb|Potomac Street in Hagerstown]]
[[File:Patapsco fg01.jpg|thumb|Patapsco River in Patapsco Valley State Park]]
[[File:121011-N-OA833-002 (24401310884).jpg|thumb|United States Naval Academy in Annapolis]]

* '''I look upon my departure from Colonel Lloyd's plantation as one of the most interesting events of my life.''' It is possible, and even quite probable, that but for the mere circumstance of being removed from that plantation to Baltimore, I should have to-day, instead of being here seated by my own table, in the enjoyment of freedom and the happiness of home, writing this Narrative, been confined in the galling chains of slavery. '''Going to live at Baltimore laid the foundation, and opened the gateway, to all my subsequent prosperity.''' I have ever regarded it as the first plain manifestation of that kind providence which has ever since attended me, and marked my life with so many favors. I regarded the selection of myself as being somewhat remarkable. There were a number of slave children that might have been sent from the plantation to Baltimore.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], ''[[w:Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave|Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave]]'' (1845), Chapter 5.

*&lt;p&gt;Maryland Democrat and 2016 presidential aspirant Martin O'Malley called the Baltimore riots a 'wake-up call' for the entire country. O'Malley was a fixture in Baltimore politics and government for 24 years before Baltimore exploded last week. '''Was he asleep during that time?''' Eight years on Baltimore’s city council, eight years as Baltimore mayor, and eight years as Maryland’s governor. During much of O’Malley’s quarter century in power, he had an invulnerable Democratic majority in Annapolis, powerful Maryland Democrats in the U.S. House and Senate, and Democrats in charge in the White House. O’Malley’s tenure held promise for Maryland. But the promise was squandered when he failed to turn Maryland around...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;No living Maryland Democrat has been better positioned than Martin O’Malley to remake Baltimore. William Schaefer, Maryland’s late governor and Baltimore mayor, is remembered for building the Camden Yards ballfield and cleaning up Baltimore’s once-dilapidated waterfront. But O’Malley will be remembered for his 'rain tax', crony capitalism, the jail debacle, and mass arrests. He will also be remembered for hubris: How else to describe a man who rushed to Baltimore from abroad to parade in front of the cameras during the riots? Today’s city hall has much to answer for, but O’Malley also deserves much of the blame for last week’s chaos in Maryland’s largest city. In fact, Baltimoreans heckled O’Malley when he appeared on street corners last week to mew at them about the riots. The people know their heroes.&lt;/p&gt;
**Richard J. Douglas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/417958/how-martin-omalley-created-todays-baltimore-richard-j-douglas &quot;How Martin O'Malley Created Today's Baltimore&quot;] (6 May 2015), ''National Review''.

===&quot;[http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)===
*I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]?
*Today, I am reminded of those [[brave]] Marylanders who first came to this [[land]] seeking [[freedom]] and [[opportunity]] when they landed in [[St. Mary's City, Maryland|St. Mary's City]] in [[1634]].&amp;nbsp; While the challenges facing us today are different, I know that the [[courage]] and the spirit of Marylanders is the same.
*We seek the [[freedom]] to [[compete]] without the undue burden of high [[taxes]] and [[bureaucratic]] regulations, which make us less competitive.&amp;nbsp; We seek [[opportunities]] to build better [[communities]], better [[businesses]], and better [[lives]] for ourselves, our [[children]], and our children's children.&amp;nbsp; And most of all, we cherish both the freedom and opportunity to [[decide]] our [[future]].&amp;nbsp; And today, we celebrate that freedom and opportunity.&amp;nbsp; What I envision for Maryland is not just an [[economic]] and fiscal recovery, but a rebirth of our [[spirit]], and a renewed commitment to our common [[purpose]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; One [[century|hundred years]] from now, I want Marylanders to say, &quot;This was when [[Maryland]]'s renaissance began.&quot;&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; Let us appeal to the better angels of our nature so that we can achieve the great and shining [[promise]] of Maryland.
*The [[history]] of our great state is rich and deep, and our commitment to [[freedom]] and [[justice]] has always been our [[strength]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; In our [[hearts]], Marylanders are hard-wired for [[inclusiveness]].&amp;nbsp; It's who we are, it's our founding [[principle]], it's part of our [[identity]], and it is our greatest strength.

{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="6798" xml:space="preserve">'''Maryland''' is a state in the Mid-Atlantic region of the Southeastern United States, bordering Virginia, West Virginia, and the District of Columbia to its south and west; Pennsylvania to its north; and Delaware and the Atlantic Ocean to its east. The state's largest city is Baltimore, and its capital is Annapolis. Among its occasional nicknames are Old Line State, the Free State, and the Chesapeake Bay State. It is named after the English queen Henrietta Maria, known in England as Queen Mary, who was the wife of King Charles I.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Flag of Maryland.svg|thumb|Flag of Maryland]]
[[File:Seal of Maryland (reverse).svg|thumb|I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]? ~ [[Larry Hogan]]]]
[[File:Patapsco Swinging Bridge 2020b.jpg|thumb|Swinging Bridge in Patapsco Valley State Park, Avalon Area]]
[[File:Wea02110 - Flickr - NOAA Photo Library.jpg|thumb|Clopper Lake in Seneca Creek State Park]]
[[File:Hagerstown Downtown Potomac St.JPG|thumb|Potomac Street in Hagerstown]]
[[File:Ilchester Rail Bridge 2020c.jpg|thumb|Ilchester Rail Bridge]]
[[File:Patapsco fg01.jpg|thumb|Patapsco River in Patapsco Valley State Park]]
[[File:121011-N-OA833-002 (24401310884).jpg|thumb|United States Naval Academy in Annapolis]]

* '''I look upon my departure from Colonel Lloyd's plantation as one of the most interesting events of my life.''' It is possible, and even quite probable, that but for the mere circumstance of being removed from that plantation to Baltimore, I should have to-day, instead of being here seated by my own table, in the enjoyment of freedom and the happiness of home, writing this Narrative, been confined in the galling chains of slavery. '''Going to live at Baltimore laid the foundation, and opened the gateway, to all my subsequent prosperity.''' I have ever regarded it as the first plain manifestation of that kind providence which has ever since attended me, and marked my life with so many favors. I regarded the selection of myself as being somewhat remarkable. There were a number of slave children that might have been sent from the plantation to Baltimore.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], ''[[w:Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave|Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave]]'' (1845), Chapter 5.

*&lt;p&gt;Maryland Democrat and 2016 presidential aspirant Martin O'Malley called the Baltimore riots a 'wake-up call' for the entire country. O'Malley was a fixture in Baltimore politics and government for 24 years before Baltimore exploded last week. '''Was he asleep during that time?''' Eight years on Baltimore’s city council, eight years as Baltimore mayor, and eight years as Maryland’s governor. During much of O’Malley’s quarter century in power, he had an invulnerable Democratic majority in Annapolis, powerful Maryland Democrats in the U.S. House and Senate, and Democrats in charge in the White House. O’Malley’s tenure held promise for Maryland. But the promise was squandered when he failed to turn Maryland around...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;No living Maryland Democrat has been better positioned than Martin O’Malley to remake Baltimore. William Schaefer, Maryland’s late governor and Baltimore mayor, is remembered for building the Camden Yards ballfield and cleaning up Baltimore’s once-dilapidated waterfront. But O’Malley will be remembered for his 'rain tax', crony capitalism, the jail debacle, and mass arrests. He will also be remembered for hubris: How else to describe a man who rushed to Baltimore from abroad to parade in front of the cameras during the riots? Today’s city hall has much to answer for, but O’Malley also deserves much of the blame for last week’s chaos in Maryland’s largest city. In fact, Baltimoreans heckled O’Malley when he appeared on street corners last week to mew at them about the riots. The people know their heroes.&lt;/p&gt;
**Richard J. Douglas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/417958/how-martin-omalley-created-todays-baltimore-richard-j-douglas &quot;How Martin O'Malley Created Today's Baltimore&quot;] (6 May 2015), ''National Review''.

===&quot;[http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)===
*I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]?
*Today, I am reminded of those [[brave]] Marylanders who first came to this [[land]] seeking [[freedom]] and [[opportunity]] when they landed in [[St. Mary's City, Maryland|St. Mary's City]] in [[1634]].&amp;nbsp; While the challenges facing us today are different, I know that the [[courage]] and the spirit of Marylanders is the same.
*We seek the [[freedom]] to [[compete]] without the undue burden of high [[taxes]] and [[bureaucratic]] regulations, which make us less competitive.&amp;nbsp; We seek [[opportunities]] to build better [[communities]], better [[businesses]], and better [[lives]] for ourselves, our [[children]], and our children's children.&amp;nbsp; And most of all, we cherish both the freedom and opportunity to [[decide]] our [[future]].&amp;nbsp; And today, we celebrate that freedom and opportunity.&amp;nbsp; What I envision for Maryland is not just an [[economic]] and fiscal recovery, but a rebirth of our [[spirit]], and a renewed commitment to our common [[purpose]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; One [[century|hundred years]] from now, I want Marylanders to say, &quot;This was when [[Maryland]]'s renaissance began.&quot;&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; Let us appeal to the better angels of our nature so that we can achieve the great and shining [[promise]] of Maryland.
*The [[history]] of our great state is rich and deep, and our commitment to [[freedom]] and [[justice]] has always been our [[strength]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; In our [[hearts]], Marylanders are hard-wired for [[inclusiveness]].&amp;nbsp; It's who we are, it's our founding [[principle]], it's part of our [[identity]], and it is our greatest strength.

{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="7755" xml:space="preserve">'''Maryland''' is a state in the Mid-Atlantic region of the Southeastern United States, bordering Virginia, West Virginia, and the District of Columbia to its south and west; Pennsylvania to its north; and Delaware and the Atlantic Ocean to its east. The state's largest city is Baltimore, and its capital is Annapolis. Among its occasional nicknames are Old Line State, the Free State, and the Chesapeake Bay State. It is named after the English queen Henrietta Maria, known in England as Queen Mary, who was the wife of King Charles I.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Flag of Maryland.svg|thumb|Flag of Maryland]]
[[File:Seal of Maryland (reverse).svg|thumb|I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]? ~ [[Larry Hogan]]]]
[[File:Patapsco Swinging Bridge 2020b.jpg|thumb|Swinging Bridge in Patapsco Valley State Park, Avalon Area]]
[[File:Wea02110 - Flickr - NOAA Photo Library.jpg|thumb|Clopper Lake in Seneca Creek State Park]]
[[File:Hagerstown Downtown Potomac St.JPG|thumb|Potomac Street in Hagerstown]]
[[File:Ilchester Rail Bridge 2020c.jpg|thumb|Ilchester Rail Bridge]]
[[File:Patapsco fg01.jpg|thumb|Patapsco River in Patapsco Valley State Park]]
[[File:121011-N-OA833-002 (24401310884).jpg|thumb|The [[history]] of our great state is rich and deep, and our commitment to [[freedom]] and [[justice]] has always been our [[strength]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; In our [[hearts]], Marylanders are hard-wired for [[inclusiveness]].&amp;nbsp; It's who we are, it's our founding [[principle]], it's part of our [[identity]], and it is our greatest strength. ~ [[Larry Hogan]]]]

* '''I look upon my departure from Colonel Lloyd's plantation as one of the most interesting events of my life.''' It is possible, and even quite probable, that but for the mere circumstance of being removed from that plantation to Baltimore, I should have to-day, instead of being here seated by my own table, in the enjoyment of freedom and the happiness of home, writing this Narrative, been confined in the galling chains of slavery. '''Going to live at Baltimore laid the foundation, and opened the gateway, to all my subsequent prosperity.''' I have ever regarded it as the first plain manifestation of that kind providence which has ever since attended me, and marked my life with so many favors. I regarded the selection of myself as being somewhat remarkable. There were a number of slave children that might have been sent from the plantation to Baltimore.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], ''[[w:Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave|Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave]]'' (1845), Chapter 5.

*&lt;p&gt;Maryland Democrat and 2016 presidential aspirant Martin O'Malley called the Baltimore riots a 'wake-up call' for the entire country. O'Malley was a fixture in Baltimore politics and government for 24 years before Baltimore exploded last week. '''Was he asleep during that time?''' Eight years on Baltimore’s city council, eight years as Baltimore mayor, and eight years as Maryland’s governor. During much of O’Malley’s quarter century in power, he had an invulnerable Democratic majority in Annapolis, powerful Maryland Democrats in the U.S. House and Senate, and Democrats in charge in the White House. O’Malley’s tenure held promise for Maryland. But the promise was squandered when he failed to turn Maryland around...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;No living Maryland Democrat has been better positioned than Martin O’Malley to remake Baltimore. William Schaefer, Maryland’s late governor and Baltimore mayor, is remembered for building the Camden Yards ballfield and cleaning up Baltimore’s once-dilapidated waterfront. But O’Malley will be remembered for his 'rain tax', crony capitalism, the jail debacle, and mass arrests. He will also be remembered for hubris: How else to describe a man who rushed to Baltimore from abroad to parade in front of the cameras during the riots? Today’s city hall has much to answer for, but O’Malley also deserves much of the blame for last week’s chaos in Maryland’s largest city. In fact, Baltimoreans heckled O’Malley when he appeared on street corners last week to mew at them about the riots. The people know their heroes.&lt;/p&gt;
**Richard J. Douglas, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/417958/how-martin-omalley-created-todays-baltimore-richard-j-douglas &quot;How Martin O'Malley Created Today's Baltimore&quot;] (6 May 2015), ''National Review''.

*I am a lifelong Marylander who [[loves]] this state.&amp;nbsp; Every great [[experience]], every great [[memory]], every great [[moment]] I have ever had in my [[life]], has happened right here, in Maryland.&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; The question isn't whether Maryland is a great state.&amp;nbsp; The question is:&amp;nbsp; What will we do, all of us, to reinvigorate this great state that we all [[love]]?&amp;nbsp; What will we do to ensure that our [[future]] is better than our [[present]] or our [[past]]?
** [[Larry Hogan]], inaugural address as Governor of Maryland, [http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)

*Today, I am reminded of those [[brave]] Marylanders who first came to this [[land]] seeking [[freedom]] and [[opportunity]] when they landed in [[St. Mary's City, Maryland|St. Mary's City]] in [[1634]].&amp;nbsp; While the challenges facing us today are different, I know that the [[courage]] and the spirit of Marylanders is the same.
** [[Larry Hogan]], inaugural address as Governor of Maryland, [http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)

*We seek the [[freedom]] to [[compete]] without the undue burden of high [[taxes]] and [[bureaucratic]] regulations, which make us less competitive.&amp;nbsp; We seek [[opportunities]] to build better [[communities]], better [[businesses]], and better [[lives]] for ourselves, our [[children]], and our children's children.&amp;nbsp; And most of all, we cherish both the freedom and opportunity to [[decide]] our [[future]].&amp;nbsp; And today, we celebrate that freedom and opportunity.&amp;nbsp; What I envision for Maryland is not just an [[economic]] and fiscal recovery, but a rebirth of our [[spirit]], and a renewed commitment to our common [[purpose]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; One [[century|hundred years]] from now, I want Marylanders to say, &quot;This was when [[Maryland]]'s renaissance began.&quot;&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; Let us appeal to the better angels of our nature so that we can achieve the great and shining [[promise]] of Maryland.
** [[Larry Hogan]], inaugural address as Governor of Maryland, [http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)

*The [[history]] of our great state is rich and deep, and our commitment to [[freedom]] and [[justice]] has always been our [[strength]].&amp;nbsp; …&amp;nbsp; In our [[hearts]], Marylanders are hard-wired for [[inclusiveness]].&amp;nbsp; It's who we are, it's our founding [[principle]], it's part of our [[identity]], and it is our greatest strength.
** [[Larry Hogan]], inaugural address as Governor of Maryland, [http://governor.maryland.gov/2015/01/21/inaugural-address-governor-larry-hogan/Larry Hogan Inaugural Address]&quot; (21 January 2015)

{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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=People (2,001 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Entertainers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Entertainers (90 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Actors (61 articles)
# [[Julie Andrews]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Lauren Bacall]]
# [[Amitabh Bachchan]]&lt;!--act/India: 3 NFAs--&gt;
# [[Brigitte Bardot]]
# [[Ingrid Bergman]]&lt;!--act/musician--&gt;
# [[Sarah Bernhardt]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Humphrey Bogart]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Marlon Brando]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[James Cagney]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Claudette Colbert]]
# [[Sean Connery]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Gary Cooper]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Joan Crawford]]
# [[Bette Davis]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Doris Day]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Judi Dench]]
# [[Robert De Niro]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Alain Delon]]&lt;!--actor/businessman--&gt;
# [[Marlene Dietrich]]
# [[Clint Eastwood]]&lt;!--actor/director/producer--&gt;
# [[Henry Fonda]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Jean Gabin]]
# [[Clark Gable]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Greta Garbo]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Judy Garland]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[John Gielgud]]&lt;!--actor/director/narrator--&gt;
# [[Lillian Gish]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Cary Grant]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Alec Guinness]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Tom Hanks]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Setsuko Hara]]
# [[Rita Hayworth]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Audrey Hepburn]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Katharine Hepburn]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Shintaro Katsu]]
# [[Grace Kelly]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Klaus Kinski]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Vivien Leigh]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Sophia Loren]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Madhubala]]
# [[Marcello Mastroianni]]
# [[Toshiro Mifune]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Marilyn Monroe]]&lt;!--singer/actress/comedienne--&gt;
# [[Jeanne Moreau]]
# [[Jack Nicholson]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Laurence Olivier]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Peter O'Toole]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Gregory Peck]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Mary Pickford]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Sidney Poitier]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Rajinikanth]]
# [[Barbara Stanwyck]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[James Stewart]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Meryl Streep]]&lt;!--act/singer--&gt;
# [[Elizabeth Taylor]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Shirley Temple]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Ellen Terry]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Spencer Tracy]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Rudolph Valentino]]
# [[John Wayne]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Mae West]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
{{Col-break}}

Dancers and choreographers (15 articles)

Ballet (7 articles)
# [[George Balanchine]]
# [[Mikhail Baryshnikov]]
# [[Margot Fonteyn]]
# [[Vaslav Nijinsky]]
# [[Rudolf Nureyev]]
# [[Anna Pavlova]]
# [[Marius Petipa]]

Other dance (8 articles)
# [[Fred Astaire]]&lt;!--dancer/act--&gt;
# [[Josephine Baker]]
# [[Isadora Duncan]]
# [[Bob Fosse]]
# [[Martha Graham]]
# [[Gene Kelly]]&lt;!--singer/dancer/act--&gt;
# [[Izumo no Okuni]]
# [[Ginger Rogers]]&lt;!--dancer/act--&gt;

Comedians (9 articles)
# [[Lucille Ball]]
# [[Carol Burnett]]&lt;!--comedian--&gt;
# [[George Carlin]]&lt;!--comedian--&gt;
# [[Bill Cosby]]&lt;!--comedian/act--&gt;
# [[Louis de Funès]]
# [[Laurel and Hardy]]
# [[Marx Brothers]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Monty Python]]
# [[Richard Pryor]]

Hosts and performers (5 articles)
# [[Johnny Carson]]
# [[Harry Houdini]]&lt;!--(1874-1926)--&gt;
# [[Marcel Marceau]]
# [[Ed Sullivan]]&lt;!--variety host--&gt;
# [[Oprah Winfrey]]&lt;!--TV host and producer--&gt;
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Visual artists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Visual artists (123 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Western painters and illustrators (73 articles)

Medieval era (3 articles)
# [[Giotto]]
# [[Hieronymus Bosch]]
# [[Jan van Eyck]]

Renaissance to early modern era (19 articles)
# [[Sandro Botticelli]]
# [[Pieter Bruegel the Elder]]
# [[Caravaggio]]
# [[Jacques-Louis David]]
# [[Albrecht Dürer]]
# [[Artemisia Gentileschi]]
# [[El Greco]]
# [[Francisco Goya]]
# [[William Hogarth]]
# [[Hans Holbein the Younger]]
# '''[[Leonardo da Vinci]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Masaccio]]&lt;!--Quattrocento--&gt;
# [[Nicolas Poussin]]
# [[Raphael]]
# '''[[Rembrandt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Peter Paul Rubens]]&lt;!--art/Dutch--&gt;
# [[Titian]]
# [[Diego Velázquez]]
# [[Johannes Vermeer]]
{{Col-break}}
Modern era (painters) (41 articles)
# [[Paul Cézanne]]
# [[Marc Chagall]]
# [[John Constable]]
# [[Gustave Courbet]]
# [[Salvador Dalí]]
# [[Edgar Degas]]
# [[Eugène Delacroix]]
# [[Marcel Duchamp]]
# [[Max Ernst]]
# [[Caspar David Friedrich]]
# [[Paul Gauguin]]
# '''[[Vincent van Gogh]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edward Hopper]]
# [[Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres]]
# '''[[Frida Kahlo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Wassily Kandinsky]]
# [[Paul Klee]]
# [[René Magritte]]
# [[Kazimir Malevich]]
# [[Édouard Manet]]
# [[Franz Marc]]
# [[Henri Matisse]]
# [[Joan Miró]]
# [[Piet Mondrian]]
# '''[[Claude Monet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edvard Munch]]
# [[Georgia O'Keeffe]]
# '''[[Pablo Picasso]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Camille Pissarro]]
# [[Jackson Pollock]]
# [[Pierre-Auguste Renoir]]
# [[Ilya Repin]]
# [[Gerhard Richter]]
# [[Diego Rivera]]
# [[Henri Rousseau]]
# [[John Singer Sargent]]
# [[Georges Seurat]]
# [[Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec]]
# [[J. M. W. Turner]]
# [[Andy Warhol]]
# [[James Abbott McNeill Whistler]]

Cartoonists, comics artists, and illustrators (10 articles)
# [[Aubrey Beardsley]]
# [[M. C. Escher]]
# [[Will Eisner]]
# [[Jean Giraud]]
# [[Hergé]]
# [[Jack Kirby]]
# [[Winsor McCay]]
# [[Norman Rockwell]]
# [[Dr. Seuss]]
# [[Osamu Tezuka]]
{{Col-break}}
Other visual arts (44 articles)

Sculptors (9 articles)
# [[Gian Lorenzo Bernini]]
# [[Joseph Beuys]]
# [[Constantin Brâncuși]]
# [[Donatello]]
# [[Alberto Giacometti]]
# '''[[Michelangelo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Henry Moore]]
# [[Phidias]]
# [[Auguste Rodin]]

Architects (21 articles)
# [[Alvar Aalto]]
# [[Leon Battista Alberti]]
# [[Filippo Brunelleschi]]
# [[Le Corbusier]]
# [[Buckminster Fuller]]
# [[Antoni Gaudí]]
# [[Frank Gehry]]
# [[Walter Gropius]]
# [[Zaha Hadid]]
# [[Imhotep]]
# [[Philip Johnson]]
# [[Louis Kahn]]
# [[Ludwig Mies van der Rohe]]
# [[Oscar Niemeyer]]
# [[Andrea Palladio]]
# [[I. M. Pei]]
# [[Mimar Sinan]]
# [[Louis Sullivan]]
# [[Vitruvius]]
# [[Christopher Wren]]
# [[Frank Lloyd Wright]]

Designers (3 articles)
# [[Coco Chanel]]
# [[Yves Saint Laurent (designer)|Yves Saint Laurent]]
# [[Raymond Loewy]]

Photographers (6 articles)
# [[Ansel Adams]]
# [[Henri Cartier-Bresson]]
# [[Eadweard Muybridge]]
# [[Sergey Prokudin-Gorsky]]
# [[Man Ray]]
# [[Edward Weston]]

Instrument makers (1 article)
# [[Antonio Stradivari]]
{{Col-break}}
Urban planners (4 articles)
# [[Georges-Eugène Haussmann]]
# [[Jane Jacobs]]
# [[Robert Moses]]
# [[Frederick Law Olmsted]]

Non-Western traditions (6 articles)
# '''[[Hokusai]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hiroshige]]
# [[Kanō Masanobu]]
# [[Sesshū Tōyō]]
# [[Shitao]]
# [[Wang Xizhi]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Writers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Writers (258 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient (19 articles)

Asia (2 articles)
# [[Kālidāsa]]
# [[Qu Yuan]]

Europe (17 articles)
# [[Aeschylus]]
# [[Aristophanes]]
# [[Catullus]]
# [[Euripides]]
# [[Hesiod]]
# '''[[Homer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Horace]]
# [[Lucian]]
# [[Menander]]
# [[Ovid]]
# [[Plautus]]
# [[Plutarch]]
# '''[[Sappho]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sophocles]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Terence]]
# '''[[Virgil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Xenophon]]
{{Col-break}}

Post-classical (29 articles)

Asia (22 articles)
# [[Bai Juyi]]
# [[Bhavabhuti]]
# [[Du Fu]]
# [[Ferdowsi]]
# [[Hafez]]
# [[Han Yu]]
# [[Jami]]
# [[Kabir]]
# [[Omar Khayyam]]
# [[Amir Khusrau]]
# '''[[Li Bai]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Meera]]
# '''[[Murasaki Shikibu]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nizami Ganjavi]]
# '''[[Abu Nuwas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ouyang Xiu]]
# [[Rudaki]]
# [[Rumi]]
# [[Saadi Shirazi]]
# [[Su Shi]]
# [[Tao Yuanming]]
# [[Wang Wei (Tang dynasty)|Wang Wei]]

Europe (7 articles)
# '''[[Dante Alighieri]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Giovanni Boccaccio]]
# [[Geoffrey Chaucer]]
# [[Chrétien de Troyes]]
# [[Christine de Pizan]]
# [[Petrarch]]
# [[François Villon]]
{{Col-break}}

Early modern (33 articles)

Asia (5 articles)
# [[Fuzuli (writer)]]
# [[Matsuo Bashō]]
# [[Mir Taqi Mir]]
# [[Tukaram]]
# [[Tulsidas]]

Europe (28 articles)
# [[Pedro Calderón de la Barca]]
# [[Robert Burns]]
# [[Luís de Camões]] &lt;!--considered Portugal's greatest poet--&gt;
# [[Giacomo Casanova]]
# '''[[Miguel de Cervantes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre Corneille]]
# [[Daniel Defoe]]
# [[Gavrila Derzhavin]]
# [[John Donne]]
# [[John Dryden]]
# [[Henry Fielding]]
# [[Samuel Johnson]]
# [[Ben Jonson]]
# [[Christopher Marlowe]]
# [[John Milton]]
# [[Michel de Montaigne]]
# [[Thomas More]]
# [[Molière]]
# [[Nostradamus]]&lt;!--French--&gt;
# [[Charles Perrault]]
# [[Alexander Pope]]
# [[François Rabelais]]
# [[Jean Racine]]
# [[Marquis de Sade]]
# '''[[William Shakespeare]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edmund Spenser]]
# [[Jonathan Swift]]
# [[Lope de Vega]]
{{Col-end}}

Modern (177 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (7 articles)
# [[Chinua Achebe]]
# [[Ben Okri]]
# [[Naguib Mahfouz]]
# [[Wole Soyinka]]
# [[Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o]]
# [[J. M. Coetzee]]
# [[Nadine Gordimer]]

Americas (49 articles)

US and Canada (40 articles)
# [[Maya Angelou]]
# [[Isaac Asimov]]
# [[Margaret Atwood]]
# [[Saul Bellow]]
# [[Ray Bradbury]]
# [[William S. Burroughs]]
# [[Raymond Chandler]]
# [[Emily Dickinson]]
# [[T. S. Eliot]]
# [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]
# [[William Faulkner]]
# [[F. Scott Fitzgerald]]
# [[Robert Frost]]
# [[Allen Ginsberg]]
# [[Nathaniel Hawthorne]]
# [[Robert A. Heinlein]]
# [[Ernest Hemingway]]
# [[Langston Hughes]]
# [[Henry James]]
# [[Jack Kerouac]]
# [[Stephen King]]
# [[Ursula K. Le Guin]]
# [[Stan Lee]]
# [[Jack London]]
# [[H. P. Lovecraft]]
# [[Herman Melville]]
# [[Arthur Miller]]
# [[Toni Morrison]]
# [[Vladimir Nabokov]]
# [[Sylvia Plath]]
# [[Edgar Allan Poe]]
# [[Ezra Pound]] 
# [[Ayn Rand]]
# [[Upton Sinclair]]
# [[John Steinbeck]]
# '''[[Mark Twain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Kurt Vonnegut]]
# [[Edith Wharton]]
# [[Walt Whitman]]
# [[Tennessee Williams]]

Latin America (9 articles)
# [[Jorge Amado]]
# [[Jorge Luis Borges]]
# [[Alejo Carpentier]]
# [[Carlos Fuentes]]
# [[Gabriel García Márquez]]
# [[Machado de Assis]]
# [[José Martí]]
# [[Pablo Neruda]]
# {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Mario Vargas Llosa]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (102 articles)

General (1 article)
# [[Constantine P. Cavafy]]

Central Europe (8 articles)
# [[Adam Mickiewicz]]
# [[Ismail Kadare]]
# [[Ivan Cankar]]
# [[Joseph Conrad]]
# [[Sándor Petőfi]]
# [[Henryk Sienkiewicz]]
# [[Taras Shevchenko]]
# [[Elie Wiesel]]

Russia (16 articles)
# [[Anna Akhmatova]]
# [[Joseph Brodsky]]
# [[Mikhail Bulgakov]]
# [[Ivan Bunin]]
# [[Anton Chekhov]]
# '''[[Fyodor Dostoevsky]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maxim Gorky]]
# [[Nikolai Gogol]]
# [[Mikhail Lermontov]]
# [[Vladimir Mayakovsky]]
# [[Boris Pasternak]]
# [[Alexander Pushkin]]
# [[Mikhail Sholokhov]]
# [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]]
# '''[[Leo Tolstoy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ivan Turgenev]]

Western Europe (40 articles)
# [[Hans Christian Andersen]]
# [[Antonin Artaud]]
# [[Honoré de Balzac]]
# [[Charles Baudelaire]]
# [[Karen Blixen]]
# [[Bertolt Brecht]]
# [[Albert Camus]]
# [[Alexandre Dumas]]
# [[Umberto Eco]]
# [[Gustave Flaubert]]
# [[Anne Frank]]
# [[Federico García Lorca]]
# [[André Gide]]
# '''[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brothers Grimm]]
# [[Knut Hamsun]]
# [[Heinrich Heine]]
# [[Hermann Hesse]]
# [[Victor Hugo]]
# [[Henrik Ibsen]]
# [[Eugène Ionesco]]
# '''[[Franz Kafka]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Selma Lagerlöf]]
# [[Halldór Laxness]]
# [[Astrid Lindgren]]
# [[Thomas Mann]]
# [[Stéphane Mallarmé]]
# [[Guy de Maupassant]]
# [[Fernando Pessoa]]
# [[Luigi Pirandello]]
# [[Marcel Proust]]
# [[Arthur Rimbaud]]
# [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]
# [[José Saramago]]
# [[Friedrich Schiller]]
# [[Stendhal]]
# [[August Strindberg]]
# [[Tristan Tzara]]
# [[Jules Verne]]
# [[Émile Zola]]
{{Col-break}}

UK and Ireland (37 articles)
# [[W. H. Auden]] 
# '''[[Jane Austen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Samuel Beckett]]
# [[William Blake]]
# [[Enid Blyton]]
# [[Brontë family]]
# [[Lord Byron]]
# [[Lewis Carroll]]
# [[Agatha Christie]]
# [[Arthur C. Clarke]]
# [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]]
# [[Roald Dahl]]
# '''[[Charles Dickens]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]
# [[George Eliot]]
# [[William Golding]]
# [[Thomas Hardy]]
# '''[[James Joyce]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Keats]]
# [[Rudyard Kipling]]
# [[D. H. Lawrence]]
# [[C. S. Lewis]]
# [[V. S. Naipaul]]
# [[George Orwell]]
# [[Salman Rushdie]]
# [[Walter Scott]]
# [[George Bernard Shaw]]
# [[Mary Shelley]]
# [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]]
# [[Robert Louis Stevenson]]
# [[Dylan Thomas]]
# [[J. R. R. Tolkien]]
# [[H. G. Wells]]
# [[Oscar Wilde]]
# [[William Wordsworth]]
# [[Virginia Woolf]]
# [[W. B. Yeats]]

Asia (17 articles)
# [[Chinghiz Aitmatov]]
# [[Ryūnosuke Akutagawa]]
# [[Ghalib]]
# [[Kahlil Gibran]]
# [[Muhammad Iqbal]]
# [[Kazuo Ishiguro]]
# [[Jin Yong]]
# [[Yasunari Kawabata]]
# [[Lao She]]
# [[Lu Xun]]
# [[Yukio Mishima]]
# [[Haruki Murakami]]
# [[Natsume Sōseki]]
# [[Kenzaburō Ōe]]
# [[Orhan Pamuk]]
# [[Premchand]]
# '''[[Rabindranath Tagore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Oceania (2 articles)
# [[Banjo Paterson]]
# [[Patrick White]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Journalists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Journalists (13 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[Svetlana Alexievich]]
# [[David Attenborough]]
# [[Nellie Bly]]
# [[Walter Cronkite]]&lt;!--USA, CBS--&gt;
# [[Horace Greeley]]
# [[William Randolph Hearst]]&lt;!--publishing--&gt;
# [[Walter Lippmann]]&lt;!--USA--&gt;
# [[Edward R. Murrow]]&lt;!--USA--&gt;
# [[Joseph Pulitzer]]
# [[Ida Tarbell]]
# [[Hunter S. Thompson]]
# [[Anna Wintour]]
# [[Bob Woodward]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Musicians and composers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Musicians and composers (155 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Western art music (73 articles)

Composers (53 articles)

Medieval and Renaissance (5 articles)
# [[Hildegard of Bingen]]&lt;!--Medieval and Renaissance/Germany--&gt;
# [[Guillaume de Machaut]]
# [[Josquin des Prez]]
# [[Guillaume Du Fay]]
# [[Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina]]

Baroque (5 articles)
# '''[[Johann Sebastian Bach]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[George Frideric Handel]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Claudio Monteverdi]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Henry Purcell]]
# [[Antonio Vivaldi]]&lt;!--Classical/Italy--&gt;

Classical (3 articles)
# '''[[Ludwig van Beethoven]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Germany/Austria--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Joseph Haydn]]&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt;
# '''[[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Austria--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Romantic (21 articles)
# [[Hector Berlioz]]
# [[Johannes Brahms]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Anton Bruckner]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Frédéric Chopin]]
# [[Antonín Dvořák]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Edward Elgar]]&lt;!--Classical/United Kingdom--&gt;
# [[Gilbert and Sullivan]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# [[Franz Liszt]]&lt;!--Classical pianist/composer--&gt;
# [[Gustav Mahler]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Felix Mendelssohn]]&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt;
# [[Modest Mussorgsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia: The 5--&gt;
# [[Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia: The 5--&gt;
# [[Gioachino Rossini]]&lt;!--Classical/Italy--&gt;
# [[Franz Schubert]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Clara Schumann]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Robert Schumann]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Johann Strauss II]]&lt;!--Classical/Austria--&gt;
# [[Richard Strauss]]
# [[Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia--&gt;
# [[Giuseppe Verdi]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# '''[[Richard Wagner]]'''&lt;!--opera--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

20th century modern (19 articles)
# [[Béla Bartók]]
# [[Benjamin Britten]]
# [[Aaron Copland]]&lt;!--Classical, Avant Garde/USA--&gt;
# [[Claude Debussy]]&lt;!--Impressionist/France--&gt;
# [[Gabriel Fauré]]
# [[Giacomo Puccini]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# [[Sergei Prokofiev]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Sergei Rachmaninoff]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia/pianist--&gt;
# [[Maurice Ravel]]&lt;!--Impressionist/France--&gt;
# [[Arnold Schoenberg]]
# [[Dmitri Shostakovich]]&lt;!--Classical/Soviet--&gt;
# [[Jean Sibelius]]&lt;!--Classical/Finland--&gt;
# [[Igor Stravinsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia--&gt;
# [[Ralph Vaughan Williams]]

Avant-garde/postmodern (5 articles)
# [[Pierre Boulez]]&lt;!--conductor--&gt;
# [[John Cage]]
# [[Philip Glass]]
# [[György Ligeti]]
# [[Karlheinz Stockhausen]]
{{Col-break}}
Pedagogues (1 article)
# [[Nadia Boulanger]]

Performers (19 articles)

Cellists (2 articles)
# [[Pablo Casals]]
# [[Mstislav Rostropovich]]

Conductors (3 articles)
# [[Leonard Bernstein]]&lt;!--composer--&gt;
# [[Herbert von Karajan]]
# [[Arturo Toscanini]]

Pianists (4 articles)
# [[Glenn Gould]]
# [[Vladimir Horowitz]]
# [[Sviatoslav Richter]]
# [[Arthur Rubinstein]]

Singers (9 articles)
# [[Marian Anderson]]
# [[Maria Callas]]
# [[Enrico Caruso]]
# [[Plácido Domingo]]
# [[Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau]]
# [[Kirsten Flagstad]]
# [[Luciano Pavarotti]]
# [[Leontyne Price]]
# [[Joan Sutherland]]

Violinists (1 article)
# [[Niccolò Paganini]]&lt;!--composer--&gt;
{{Col-break}}
Non-Western art music (7 articles)

Carnatic classical (3 articles)
# [[Muthuswami Dikshitar]]
# [[Shyama Shastri]]
# [[Tyagaraja]]

Hindustani classical (2 articles)
# [[Ali Akbar Khan]]
# [[Ravi Shankar]]

Qawwali (1 article)
# [[Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan]]

Persian traditional (1 article)
# [[Mohammad-Reza Shajarian]]

Jazz (11 articles)
# '''[[Louis Armstrong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Miles Davis]]
# [[Duke Ellington]]
# [[Ella Fitzgerald]]
# [[George Gershwin]]&lt;!--musical/pop--&gt;
# [[Benny Goodman]]&lt;!--big band--&gt;
# [[Billie Holiday]]
# [[Antônio Carlos Jobim]]&lt;!--bossa nova-Latin/Jazz--&gt;
# [[Scott Joplin]]
# [[Charlie Parker]]
# [[Django Reinhardt]]
{{Col-break}}
Popular music (64 articles)
# [[ABBA]]
# [[Bing Crosby]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Stephen Foster]]
# [[Michael Jackson]]
# [[Madonna]]
# [[Miriam Makeba]]
# [[Bob Marley]]&lt;!--rock/reggae--&gt;
# [[Joni Mitchell]]&lt;!--pop/many--&gt;
# [[Frank Sinatra]]&lt;!--pop--&gt;
# [[Barbra Streisand]]&lt;!--singer/actress--&gt;

Non-English language singers (8 articles)
# [[Charles Aznavour]]
# [[Serge Gainsbourg]]
# [[Umm Kulthum]]
# [[Lata Mangeshkar]]
# [[Édith Piaf]]
# [[Alla Pugacheva]]
# [[Teresa Teng]]
# [[Vladimir Vysotsky]]

Afrobeat (1 article)
# [[Fela Kuti]]

Blues, R&amp;B, and soul (7 articles)
# [[Ray Charles]]
# [[Sam Cooke]]
# [[Aretha Franklin]]
# [[Marvin Gaye]]
# [[Robert Johnson]]
# [[B.B. King]]
# [[The Supremes]]

Electronic music (2 articles)
# [[Brian Eno]]
# [[Kraftwerk]]

Folk and country (6 articles)
# [[Joan Baez]]
# [[Johnny Cash]]
# [[Patsy Cline]]
# [[Woody Guthrie]]
# [[Dolly Parton]]
# [[Hank Williams]]

Funk (2 articles)
# [[James Brown]] 
# [[Prince (musician)|Prince]]

Hip-hop and rap (1 article)
# [[Tupac Shakur]]

Latin (4 articles)
# [[Celia Cruz]]
# [[Julio Iglesias]]
# [[Astor Piazzolla]]
# [[Selena]]
{{Col-break}}
Flamenco (1 article)
# [[Paco de Lucía]]

Musical comedy and lyricists (4 articles)
# [[Irving Berlin]]
# [[Rodgers and Hammerstein]]
# [[Stephen Sondheim]]
# [[Andrew Lloyd Webber]]

Rock (18 articles)
# '''[[The Beatles]]'''&lt;!--rock band--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[John Lennon]]
# [[The Beach Boys]]
# [[Black Sabbath]]
# [[Chuck Berry]]
# [[David Bowie]]
# [[The Doors]]
# [[Bob Dylan]]
# [[Jimi Hendrix]]
# [[Buddy Holly]]
# [[Janis Joplin]]
# [[Led Zeppelin]]
# [[Little Richard]]
# [[Pink Floyd]]
# '''[[Elvis Presley]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Queen (band)|Queen]]
# [[The Rolling Stones]]
# [[The Velvet Underground]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Directors, producers and screenwriters&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Directors, producers and screenwriters (60 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Animators and puppeteers (3 articles)
# '''[[Walt Disney]]'''&lt;!--producer/animator--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hayao Miyazaki]]&lt;!----&gt;
# [[Jim Henson]]&lt;!--Muppets--&gt;

{{Col-break}}
Directors (52 articles)
# [[Woody Allen]]
# [[Michelangelo Antonioni]]
# [[Ingmar Bergman]]
# [[Robert Bresson]]
# [[Luis Buñuel]]
# [[James Cameron]]
# [[Frank Capra]]
# '''[[Charlie Chaplin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jean Cocteau]]
# [[Francis Ford Coppola]]
# [[Cecil B. DeMille]]
# [[Vittorio De Sica]]
# [[Carl Theodor Dreyer]]
# [[Guru Dutt]]
# [[Sergei Eisenstein]]
# [[Federico Fellini]]
# [[John Ford]]
# [[Miloš Forman]]
# [[Jean-Luc Godard]]
# [[D. W. Griffith]]
# [[Howard Hawks]]
# [[Werner Herzog]]
# [[Alfred Hitchcock]]
# [[Raj Kapoor]]
# [[Elia Kazan]]
# [[Buster Keaton]]
# [[Abbas Kiarostami]]
# [[Akira Kurosawa]]
# [[Stanley Kubrick]]
# [[Fritz Lang]]
# [[David Lean]]
# [[Ang Lee]]
# [[George Lucas]]
# [[Auguste and Louis Lumière]]
# [[Ida Lupino]]
# [[David Lynch]]
# [[Georges Méliès]]
# [[Yasujirō Ozu]]
# [[Roman Polanski]]
# [[Satyajit Ray]]
# [[Jean Renoir]]
# [[Leni Riefenstahl]]
# [[Martin Scorsese]]
# [[Steven Spielberg]]
# [[Quentin Tarantino]]
# [[Andrei Tarkovsky]]
# [[François Truffaut]]
# [[Orson Welles]]
# [[Wim Wenders]]
# [[Billy Wilder]]
# [[Wong Kar-wai]]
# [[William Wyler]]
{{Col-break}}
Producers and executives (4 articles)
# [[Samuel Goldwyn]]
# [[David O. Selznick]]
# [[Irving Thalberg]]
# [[Jack L. Warner]]

Screenwriter (1 article)
# [[Frances Marion]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Businesspeople&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Businesspeople (29 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[John Jacob Astor]]&lt;!--fur trade/real estate--&gt;
# [[P. T. Barnum]]
# [[Warren Buffett]]&lt;!--Finance/investment--&gt;
# [[Al Capone]]
# [[Andrew Carnegie]]&lt;!--steel--&gt;
# [[Marcus Licinius Crassus]] &lt;!--Ancient roman oligarch--&gt;
# [[Pablo Escobar]]
# '''[[Henry Ford]]'''&lt;!--assembly line/automobiles--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jakob Fugger]]
# [[Bill Gates]]&lt;!--Windows--&gt;
# [[Howard Hughes]]&lt;!--oil/aerospace--&gt;
# [[Steve Jobs]]&lt;!--Apple Computer founder--&gt;
# [[Estée Lauder (businesswoman)|Estée Lauder]]
# [[Li Ka-shing]]
# [[Andrew Mellon]]
# [[Shigeru Miyamoto]]&lt;!--created some of the most successful video game franchises of all time--&gt;
# [[J. P. Morgan]]&lt;!--Finance--&gt;
# [[Rupert Murdoch]]
# [[John D. Rockefeller]]&lt;!--Standard Oil--&gt;
# [[Rothschild family]]
# [[David Sarnoff]]
# [[Carlos Slim]]
# [[Leland Stanford]]
# [[Jamsetji Tata]]
# [[Ted Turner]]&lt;!--TV networks--&gt;
# [[Cornelius Vanderbilt]]&lt;!--shipping/railroads--&gt;
# [[Sam Walton]]
# [[Josiah Wedgwood]]
# [[George Westinghouse]] &lt;!--engineering--&gt;

{{Col-break}}
==&lt;span id=&quot;Explorers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Explorers (30 articles)==

Ancient history (2 articles)
# [[Hanno the Navigator]]
# [[Zhang Qian]]

Post-classical history (5 articles)
# '''[[Ibn Battuta]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leif Erikson]]
# '''[[Marco Polo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Xuanzang]]
# '''[[Zheng He]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Early modern history (12 articles)
# [[Willem Barentsz]]
# [[Vitus Bering]]
# [[Pedro Álvares Cabral]]
# [[Jacques Cartier]]
# '''[[Christopher Columbus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[James Cook]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vasco da Gama]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ferdinand Magellan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Juan Ponce de León]]&lt;!--Spain, Fountain of Youth--&gt;
# [[Hernando de Soto]]
# [[Abel Tasman]]
# [[Amerigo Vespucci]]

Modern history (11 articles)
# '''[[Roald Amundsen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Neil Armstrong]]
# [[Amelia Earhart]]
# [[Yuri Gagarin]]
# [[Alexander von Humboldt]]
# [[Charles Lindbergh]]
# [[David Livingstone]]
# [[Fridtjof Nansen]]
# [[Ernest Shackleton]]
# [[Valentina Tereshkova]]
# [[David Thompson (explorer)|David Thompson]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Philosophers, historians, political and social scientists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Philosophers, historians, political and social scientists (157 articles)==

Philosophers (70 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Ancient (19 articles)
# '''[[Aristotle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Augustine of Hippo]]
# '''[[Confucius]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Democritus]]
# [[Diogenes]]
# [[Epicurus]]
# [[Han Fei]]
# [[Heraclitus]]
# '''[[Laozi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Li Si]]
# [[Lucretius]]
# [[Mencius]]
# '''[[Plato]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Plotinus]]
# [[Seneca the Younger]]
# '''[[Socrates]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Thales of Miletus]]
# [[Xun Kuang]]
# [[Shang Yang]]

Post-classical (8 articles)
# [[Peter Abelard]]
# '''[[Thomas Aquinas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Averroes]]
# [[Erasmus]]
# [[Duns Scotus]]
# [[William of Ockham]]
# [[Wang Yangming]]
# [[Zhu Xi]]
{{Col-break}}
Early modern (16 articles)
# [[Francis Bacon]]
# [[Jeremy Bentham]]
# [[George Berkeley]]
# [[Giordano Bruno]]
# '''[[René Descartes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Denis Diderot]]
# [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte]]
# [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]]
# [[Thomas Hobbes]]
# [[David Hume]]
# '''[[Immanuel Kant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gotthold Ephraim Lessing]]
# '''[[John Locke]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]
# [[Baruch Spinoza]]
# '''[[Voltaire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Modern (27 articles)
# [[Hannah Arendt]]
# [[Simone de Beauvoir]]
# [[Henri Bergson]]
# [[Isaiah Berlin]]
# [[Auguste Comte]]
# [[Jacques Derrida]]
# [[John Dewey]]
# [[Frantz Fanon]]
# [[Michel Foucault]]
# [[Jürgen Habermas]]
# [[Martin Heidegger]]
# [[Edmund Husserl]]
# [[William James]]
# [[Søren Kierkegaard]]
# [[Marshall McLuhan]]
# [[John Stuart Mill]]
# '''[[Friedrich Nietzsche]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Charles Sanders Peirce]]
# [[Karl Popper]]
# [[John Rawls]]
# [[Bertrand Russell]]
# [[Edward Said]]
# [[Jean-Paul Sartre]]
# [[Arthur Schopenhauer]]
# [[Henry David Thoreau]]
# [[Alfred North Whitehead]]
# [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]]
{{Col-end}}

Historians (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient (5 articles)
# [[Eusebius]]
# '''[[Herodotus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tacitus]]
# [[Thucydides]]
# [[Sima Qian]]
{{Col-break}}
Post-classical (4 articles)
# [[Bede]]
# [[Jean Froissart]]
# [[Geoffrey of Monmouth]]
# '''[[Ibn Khaldun]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Early modern (2 articles)
# [[Edward Gibbon]]
# [[Nikolay Karamzin]]
{{Col-break}}
Modern (9 articles)
# [[Charles A. Beard]]
# [[Fernand Braudel]]
# [[Pierre de Coubertin]]
# [[Eric Hobsbawm]]
# [[Theodor Mommsen]]
# [[Leopold von Ranke]]
# [[Sergey Solovyov (historian)|Sergey Solovyov]]
# [[A. J. P. Taylor]]
# [[Frederick Jackson Turner]]
{{Col-end}}

Social scientists, economists and political writers (47 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Antiquity (2 articles)
# [[Chanakya]]
# [[Pāṇini]]

Post-classical (1 article)
# [[Niccolò Machiavelli]]

Early modern period (8 articles)
# [[Edmund Burke]]
# [[Hugo Grotius]]
# [[Thomas Robert Malthus]]
# [[Montesquieu]]
# [[Thomas Paine]]
# [[David Ricardo]]
# '''[[Adam Smith]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mary Wollstonecraft]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Modern (36 articles)
# [[Theodor W. Adorno]]
# [[Mikhail Bakunin]]
# [[Edward Bernays]]
# [[Eduard Bernstein]]
# [[Franz Boas]]
# [[Pierre Bourdieu]]
# [[Louis Braille]]
# [[Noam Chomsky]]
# [[W. E. B. Du Bois]]
# [[Émile Durkheim]]
# [[Friedrich Engels]]
# [[Milton Friedman]]
# [[John Kenneth Galbraith]]
# [[Clifford Geertz]]
# [[Antonio Gramsci]]
# [[Friedrich Hayek]]
# [[John Maynard Keynes]]
# [[Peter Kropotkin]]
# [[Claude Lévi-Strauss]]
# '''[[Karl Marx]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Marcel Mauss]]
# [[Bronisław Malinowski]]
# [[Margaret Mead]]
# [[Maria Montessori]]
# [[Vilfredo Pareto]]
# [[Ferdinand de Saussure]]
# [[Heinrich Schliemann]]
# [[Sequoyah]]
# [[Herbert Spencer]]
# [[Talcott Parsons]]
# [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]]
# [[Alfred Radcliffe-Brown]]
# [[Paul Samuelson]]
# [[Alexis de Tocqueville]]
# [[Max Weber]]
# [[Noah Webster]]
{{Col-end}}

Psychologists (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[Gordon Allport]]
# [[Albert Bandura]]
# [[Raymond Cattell]]
# [[Albert Ellis]]
# [[Erik Erikson]]
# [[Leon Festinger]]
# [[Anna Freud]]
# '''[[Sigmund Freud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Carl Jung]]
# [[Kurt Lewin]]
# [[Abraham Maslow]]
# [[George Armitage Miller]]
# [[Ivan Pavlov]]
# [[Jean Piaget]]
# [[Carl Rogers]]
# [[B. F. Skinner]]
# [[Edward Thorndike]]
# [[Lev Vygotsky]]
# [[John B. Watson]]
# [[Wilhelm Wundt]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Religious figures&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Religious figures (125 articles)==

Hinduism (18 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Ancient (5 articles)
# [[Kanada (philosopher)|Kanada]]
# [[Kapila]]
# [[Patanjali]]
# [[Valmiki]]
# [[Vyasa]]
{{Col-break}}
Medieval (7 articles)
# '''[[Adi Shankara]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Basava]]
# [[Chaitanya Mahaprabhu]]
# [[Gaudapada]]
# [[Kumārila Bhaṭṭa]]
# [[Madhvacharya]]
# [[Ramanuja]]
{{Col-break}}
Modern (6 articles)
# [[A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada]]
# [[Paramahansa Yogananda]]
# [[Ramakrishna]]
# [[Ramana Maharshi]]
# [[Sri Aurobindo]]
# [[Swami Vivekananda]]
{{Col-end}}

Buddhism (15 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# '''[[Gautama Buddha]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[14th Dalai Lama]]
# [[Nagarjuna]]
# [[Padmasambhava]]

{{Col-break}}
Chinese Buddhism (5 articles)
# [[Bodhidharma]]
# [[Kumārajīva]]
# [[Huiyuan (Buddhist)|Huiyuan]]
# [[Zhiyi]]
# [[Huineng]]

{{Col-break}}
Indian Buddhism (4 articles)
# [[Ānanda]]
# [[Maudgalyayana]]
# [[Śāriputra]]
# [[Vasubandhu]]

{{Col-break}}
Japanese Buddhism (2 articles)
# [[Dōgen]]
# [[Kūkai]]
{{Col-end}}

Abrahamic religions (85 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Judaism (6 articles)
# [[Baal Shem Tov]]
# [[Rabbi Akiva]]
# [[Judah Loew ben Bezalel]]
# [[Maimonides]]
# [[Rashi]]
# [[Vilna Gaon]]

{{Col-break}}
Christianity (60 articles)
New Testament figures (8 articles)
# '''[[Jesus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mary, mother of Jesus]]
# [[Mary Magdalene]]
# [[John the Baptist]]
# [[Judas Iscariot]]
# '''[[Paul the Apostle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Saint Peter]]
# [[John the Apostle]]
Pre-Schism (18 articles)
# [[Ambrose]]
# [[Arius]]
# [[Athanasius of Alexandria]]
# [[Basil of Caesarea]]
# [[Benedict of Nursia]]
# [[Clement of Alexandria]]
# [[Cyril of Alexandria]]
# [[Saint George]]
# [[Gregory of Nazianzus]]
# [[Gregory of Nyssa]]
# [[Irenaeus]]
# [[Jerome]]
# [[John Chrysostom]]
# [[John of Damascus]]
# [[Saints Cyril and Methodius]]
# [[Saint Nicholas]]
# [[Origen]]
# [[Tertullian]]

Popes (3 articles)
# [[Pope Clement I]]
# [[Pope Gregory I]]
# [[Pope Leo I]]

Catholic Church (11 articles)
# [[Anselm of Canterbury]]
# [[Bonaventure]]
# [[Francis of Assisi]]
# [[Jan Hus]]
# [[Ignatius of Loyola]]
# [[John of the Cross]]
# [[Mother Teresa]]
# [[Teresa of Ávila]]
# [[Tomás de Torquemada]]
# [[John Wycliffe]]
# [[Francis Xavier]]

Popes (3 articles)
# [[Pope John XXIII]]
# [[Pope John Paul II]]
# [[Pope Pius IX]]

Orthodox Church (2 articles)
# [[Patriarch Nikon of Moscow]]
# [[Grigori Rasputin]]

Protestantism (13 articles)
# [[Jacobus Arminius]]
# [[Karl Barth]]
# [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]]
# [[John Calvin]]
# [[Thomas Cranmer]]
# [[Jonathan Edwards (theologian)|Jonathan Edwards]]
# [[Billy Graham]]
# [[John Knox]]
# '''[[Martin Luther]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philip Melanchthon]]
# [[Desmond Tutu]]
# [[John Wesley]]
# [[Huldrych Zwingli]]

Others (2 articles)
# [[Mary Baker Eddy]]
# [[Joseph Smith]]

{{Col-break}}
Islam (19 articles)
# '''[[Muhammad]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aisha]]
# [[Fatimah]]
# [[Khadija bint Khuwaylid]]

Shia Islam (3 articles)
# [[Ali]]
# [[Husayn ibn Ali]]
# [[Ja'far al-Sadiq]]

Sunni Islam (8 articles)
# [[Ahmad ibn Hanbal]]
# [[Abu Hanifa]]
# [[Malik ibn Anas]]
# [[Muhammad al-Bukhari]]
# [[Muslim ibn al-Hajjaj]]
# [[Al-Shafiʽi]]
# [[Ibn Taymiyyah]]
# [[Al-Nawawi]]

Others (4 articles)
# [[Muhammad ibn Abd al-Wahhab]]
# [[Al-Ghazali]]
# [[Ibn Arabi]]
# [[Mulla Sadra]]
{{Col-end}}

Others (7 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Jainism (1 article)
# [[Mahavira Swami]]

New religious movements (3 articles)
# [[Baháʼu'lláh]]
# [[Helena Blavatsky]]
# [[Aleister Crowley]]

Sikhism (2 articles)
# [[Guru Gobind Singh]]
# [[Guru Nanak]]

Zoroastrianism (1 article)
# [[Zoroaster]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Politicians and leaders&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Politicians and leaders (504 articles)==
Ancient (73 articles)
Africa (11 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Ezana of Axum]]
# [[Gaiseric]]

Egypt (9 articles)
# [[Akhenaten]]
# [[Narmer]]
# '''[[Hatshepsut]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nefertiti]]
# '''[[Ramesses II]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ramesses III]]
# [[Tutankhamun]]
# [[Thutmose I]]
# [[Thutmose III]]
{{Div col end}}

Asia (30 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Asia (7 articles)
# [[Cao Cao]]
# [[Emperor Gaozu of Han]]
# [[Gwanggaeto the Great]]
# [[Modu Chanyu]]
# '''[[Qin Shi Huang]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Emperor Wu of Han]]
# [[Yu the Great]]

Southern Asia (7 articles)
# [[Ajatashatru]]
# '''[[Ashoka]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chandragupta II]]
# [[Chandragupta Maurya]]
# [[Kanishka]]
# [[Menander I]]
# [[Samudragupta]]

Western Asia (11 articles)
# [[Ashurbanipal]]
# '''[[Cyrus the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Darius the Great]]
# '''[[Hammurabi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mithridates VI]]
# [[Nebuchadnezzar II]]
# [[Puduḫepa]]
# '''[[Sargon of Akkad]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tigranes the Great]]
# [[Xerxes I]]
# [[Zenobia]]

Hellenistic Kingdoms (5 articles)
# [[Antigonus I Monophthalmus]]
# [[Antiochus III the Great]]
# [[Seleucus I Nicator]]
# [[Cleopatra]] 
# [[Ptolemy I Soter]] 
{{Div col end}}

Europe (32 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Attila]]
# [[Decebalus]]
# [[Pyrrhus of Epirus]]
Greece (7 articles)
# [[Alcibiades]]
# [[Demosthenes]]
# [[Draco (lawgiver)|Draco]]
# [[Lycurgus of Sparta]]
# [[Pericles]]
# [[Solon]]
# [[Themistocles]]
Macedonia (2 articles)
# '''[[Alexander the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philip II of Macedon]]

Western Europe (5 articles)
# [[Alaric I]]
# [[Arminius]]
# [[Boudica]]
# [[Theodoric I]]
# [[Vercingetorix]]
Ancient Rome (15 articles)
# '''[[Augustus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Julius Caesar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Caligula]]
# [[Cato the Elder]]
# [[Cicero]]
# [[Constantine the Great]]
# [[Diocletian]]
# [[Domitian]]
# [[Gracchi]]
# [[Hadrian]]
# [[Marcus Aurelius]]
# [[Nero]]
# [[Theodosius I]]
# [[Tiberius]]
# [[Trajan]]
{{Div col end}}

Post-classical (130 articles)

Africa (7 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Amda Seyon I]]
# [[Baibars]]
# [[Al-Hakim bi-Amr Allah]]
# [[Mansa Musa]]
# [[Al-Mustansir Billah]]
# [[Al-Nasir Muhammad]]
# [[Zara Yaqob]]
{{Div col end}}

Asia (47 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (14 articles)
# [[Batu Khan]]
# [[Bumin Qaghan]]
# [[Hulagu Khan]]
# [[Jochi]]
# [[Khosrow I]]
# [[Mahmud of Ghazni]]
# [[Muhammad of Ghor]]
# [[Muhammad II of Khwarazm]]
# [[Nizam al-Mulk]]
# [[Tamar of Georgia]]
# [[Timur]]
# [[Tokhtamysh]]
# [[Tughril]]
# [[Ulugh Beg]]

Eastern Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[Genghis Khan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ögedei Khan]]
# [[Sejong the Great]]
# [[Taejo of Goryeo]]
# [[Taejo of Joseon]]

China (7 articles)
# [[Hongwu Emperor]]
# [[Kublai Khan]]
# [[Emperor Taizong of Tang]]
# [[Emperor Taizu of Song]]
# [[Emperor Wen of Sui]]
# [[Wu Zetian]]
# [[Yongle Emperor]]

Southeastern Asia (5 articles)
# [[Anawrahta]]
# [[Ram Khamhaeng]]
# [[Gajah Mada]]
# [[Jayavarman VII]]
# [[Suryavarman II]]
Vietnam (3 articles)
# [[Lê Lợi]]
# [[Lê Thánh Tông]]
# [[Trần Thánh Tông]]

Southern Asia (4 articles)
# [[Prithviraj Chauhan]]
# [[Harsha]]
# [[Alauddin Khalji]]
# [[Rajaraja I]]

Western Asia (3 articles)
# [[Saladin]]
# [[Osman I]]
# [[Mehmed the Conqueror]]
Caliphates (6 articles)
# [[Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan]]
# [[Abu Bakr]]
# [[Harun al-Rashid]]
# [[Muawiyah I]]
# [[Omar]]
# [[Uthman]]
{{Div col end}}

Europe (76 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Europe (4 articles)
# [[Stefan Dušan]]
# [[Stephen III of Moldavia]]
# [[Svatopluk I of Moravia]]
# [[Vlad the Impaler]]
Bulgaria (3 articles)
# [[Krum]]
# [[Boris I of Bulgaria]]
# [[Ivan Asen II]]
Byzantine Empire (6 articles)
# [[Justinian I]]
# [[Heraclius]]
# [[Basil II]]
# [[Leo III the Isaurian]]
# [[Manuel I Komnenos]]
# [[Theodora (6th century)|Theodora]]
Hungary (4 articles)
# [[Stephen I of Hungary]]
# [[Béla IV of Hungary]]
# [[Louis I of Hungary]]
# [[Matthias Corvinus]]
Poland and Lithuania (6 articles)
# [[Bolesław I the Brave]]
# [[Casimir III the Great]]
# [[Gediminas]]
# [[Władysław II Jagiełło]]
# [[Mieszko I]]
# [[Vytautas]]
Russia (7 articles)
# [[Alexander Nevsky]]
# [[Daniel of Galicia]]
# [[Dmitry Donskoy]]
# [[Ivan III of Russia]]
# [[Vladimir the Great]]
# [[Sviatoslav I]]
# [[Yaroslav the Wise]]

Western Europe (2 articles)
# [[Cnut the Great]]
# [[Margaret I of Denmark]]
England and Scotland (9 articles)
# [[Æthelstan]]
# [[Alfred the Great]]
# [[Edward I of England]]
# [[Edward III of England]]
# [[Henry II of England]]
# [[John, King of England]]
# [[Richard I of England]]
# [[Robert the Bruce]]
# [[William the Conqueror]]
France (9 articles)
# '''[[Charlemagne]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Charles Martel]]
# [[Clovis I]]
# [[Eleanor of Aquitaine]]
# [[Louis the Pious]]
# [[Louis IX of France]]
# [[Louis XI of France]]
# [[Philip II of France]]
# [[Philip IV of France]]
Germany (2 articles)
# [[Charles the Fat]]
# [[Henry the Lion]]
Holy Roman Empire (6 articles)
# [[Charles IV, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Frederick I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Henry IV, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Otto I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor]]
Italy (7 articles)
# [[Cosimo de' Medici]]
# [[Lorenzo de' Medici]]
# [[Robert Guiscard]]
# [[Roger II of Sicily]]
# [[Girolamo Savonarola]]
# [[Theodoric the Great]]
# [[Totila]]
Papal States (5 articles)
# [[Pope Alexander VI]]
# [[Pope Boniface VIII]]
# [[Pope Gregory VII]]
# [[Pope Innocent III]]
# [[Pope Urban II]]
Spain and Portugal (6 articles)
# [[Abd al-Rahman I]]
# [[Abd al-Rahman III]]
# [[Afonso I of Portugal]]
# [[Ferdinand II of Aragon]]
# [[Prince Henry the Navigator]]
# [[Isabella I of Castile]]
{{Div col end}}

Early modern period (114 articles)

Africa (4 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Ahmad ibn Ibrahim al-Ghazi]]
# [[Ahmad al-Mansur]]
# [[Askia Mohammad I]]
# [[Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba]]
{{Div col end}}

Americas (14 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Atahualpa]]
# [[La Malinche]]
# [[Moctezuma I]]
# [[Moctezuma II]]
# [[Pachacuti]]
# [[Tecumseh]]
# [[Túpac Amaru]]
# [[Túpac Amaru II]]

United States (6 articles)
# '''[[Benjamin Franklin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[George Washington]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Adams]]
# [[Thomas Jefferson]]
# [[Alexander Hamilton]]
# [[James Madison]]
{{Div col end}}

Asia (41 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (6 articles)
# [[Abbas the Great]]
# [[Ahmad Shah Durrani]]
# [[Babur]]
# [[Humayun]]
# [[Ismail I]]
# [[Nader Shah]]

Eastern Asia (2 articles)
# [[Jeongjo of Joseon]]
# [[Seonjo of Joseon]]
China (7 articles)
# [[Heshen]]
# [[Hong Taiji]]
# [[Jiajing Emperor]]
# [[Kangxi Emperor]]
# [[Nurhaci]]
# [[Qianlong Emperor]]
# [[Wanli Emperor]]
Japan (3 articles)
# [[Toyotomi Hideyoshi]]
# [[Tokugawa Ieyasu]]
# [[Oda Nobunaga]]

Southern Asia (10 articles)
# [[Akbar]]
# [[Aurangzeb]]
# [[Robert Clive]]
# [[Hyder Ali]]
# [[Prithvi Narayan Shah]]
# [[Shah Jahan]]
# [[Sher Shah Suri]]
# [[Tipu Sultan]]
# [[Shivaji]]
# [[Krishnadevaraya]]

Southeastern Asia (5 articles)
# [[Sultan Agung of Mataram]]
# [[Rama I]]
# [[Iskandar Muda]]
# [[Naresuan]]
# [[Quang Trung]]
Burma (3 articles)
# [[Alaungpaya]]
# [[Bayinnaung]]
# [[Tabinshwehti]]

Western Asia (5 articles)
# [[Mehmed IV]]
# [[Hurrem Sultan]]
# [[Selim I]]
# [[Selim III]]
# '''[[Suleiman the Magnificent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

Europe (54 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Europe (1 article)
# [[Bohdan Khmelnytsky]]
Poland and Lithuania (4 articles)
# [[Augustus II the Strong]]
# [[John III Sobieski]]
# [[Stephen Báthory]]
# [[Sigismund III Vasa]]
Russia (7 articles)
# [[Alexis of Russia]]
# [[Boris Godunov]]
# '''[[Catherine the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Elizabeth of Russia]]
# [[Ivan the Terrible]]
# [[Peter the Great]]
# [[Grigory Potemkin]]

Western Europe (3 articles)
# [[Frederick the Great]]
# [[Frederick William I of Prussia]]
# [[William the Silent]]
England and Scotland (14 articles)
# [[Charles I of England]]
# '''[[Elizabeth I]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[George III]]
# [[Henry V of England]]
# [[Henry VIII]]
# [[James VI and I]]
# [[Oliver Cromwell]]
# [[Mary I of England]]
# [[Mary, Queen of Scots]]
# [[William III of England]]
# [[William Blackstone]]
# [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield]]
# [[William Pitt the Younger]]
# [[Robert Walpole]]

France (17 articles)
# [[Catherine de' Medici]]
# [[Francis I of France]]
# [[Henry IV of France]]
# [[Louis XIV]]
# [[Louis XV]]
# [[Louis XVI]]
# [[Marie Antoinette]]
# [[Cardinal Mazarin]]
# '''[[Napoleon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Madame de Pompadour]]
# [[Cardinal Richelieu]]
Holy Roman Empire, Austria (6 articles)
# [[Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Ferdinand I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Leopold I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Maria Theresa]]

Northern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Charles XII of Sweden]]
# [[Christina, Queen of Sweden]]
# [[Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden]]

Southern Europe (5 articles)
# [[Cesare Borgia]]
# [[Pope Julius II]]
# [[Philip II of Spain]]
# [[Philip V of Spain]]
# [[Sebastião José de Carvalho e Melo, 1st Marquis of Pombal]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Kamehameha I]]

{{Div col end}}

Modern (187 articles)

Africa (29 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Africa (9 articles)
# [[Idi Amin]]
# [[Haile Selassie]]
# [[Kenneth Kaunda]]
# [[Jomo Kenyatta]]
# [[Julius Nyerere]]
# [[Menelik II]]
# [[Rainilaiarivony]]
# [[Tewodros II]]
# [[Yohannes IV]]

Northern Africa (7 articles)
# [[Muammar Gaddafi]]
# [[Isma'il Pasha]]
# [[Muhammad Ahmad]]
# [[Muhammad Ali of Egypt]]
# [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]]
# [[Emir Abdelkader]]
# [[Anwar Sadat]]

Southern and Central Africa (7 articles)
# [[Hastings Banda]] 
# [[F. W. de Klerk]]
# [[Mobutu Sese Seko]]
# '''[[Nelson Mandela]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Robert Mugabe]]
# [[Cecil Rhodes]]
# [[Shaka]]

Western Africa (6 articles)
# [[Kofi Annan]]
# [[Nnamdi Azikiwe]]
# [[Kwame Nkrumah]]
# [[Olusegun Obasanjo]]
# [[Léopold Sédar Senghor]]
# [[Ellen Johnson Sirleaf]]
{{Div col end}}

Americas (42 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

South America (8 articles)
# [[Salvador Allende]]
# '''[[Simón Bolívar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hugo Chávez]]
# [[José de San Martín]]
# [[Eva Perón]]
# [[Augusto Pinochet]]
# [[Antonio José de Sucre]]
# [[Alfredo Stroessner]]
Brazil (3 articles)
# [[Pedro I of Brazil]]
# [[Pedro II of Brazil]]
# [[Getúlio Vargas]]

Central America and the Caribbean (6 articles)
# [[Fidel Castro]]
# [[François Duvalier]]
# [[Toussaint Louverture]]
# [[Francisco Morazán]]
# [[Daniel Ortega]]
# [[Rafael Trujillo]]

Mexico (3 articles)
# [[Porfirio Díaz]]
# [[Benito Juárez]]
# [[Antonio López de Santa Anna]]

United States (20 articles)
# [[George W. Bush]]
# [[John C. Calhoun]]
# [[Henry Clay]]
# [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]
# [[J. Edgar Hoover]]
# [[Andrew Jackson]]
# [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]
# [[John F. Kennedy]]
# '''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Marshall]]
# [[Richard Nixon]]
# [[Barack Obama]]
# [[James K. Polk]]
# [[Ronald Reagan]]
# [[Eleanor Roosevelt]]
# [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]
# [[Theodore Roosevelt]]
# [[Sitting Bull]]
# [[Harry S. Truman]]
# [[Woodrow Wilson]]

Canada (2 articles)
# [[John A. Macdonald]]
# [[Pierre Trudeau]]
{{Div col end}}

Asia (49 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (5 articles)
# [[Ruhollah Khomeini]]
# [[Mohammad Mosaddegh]]
# [[Mohammad Reza Pahlavi]]
# [[Mohammed Zahir Shah]]
# [[Eduard Shevardnadze]]
''Eastern Asia''
China (7 articles)
# [[Chiang Kai-shek]]
# [[Empress Dowager Cixi]]
# [[Deng Xiaoping]]
# [[Jiang Qing]]
# '''[[Mao Zedong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Puyi]]
# [[Zhou Enlai]]
Japan (4 articles)
# [[Hirohito]]
# [[Emperor Meiji]]
# [[Eisaku Satō]]
# [[Hideki Tojo]]
Korea (3 articles)
# [[Kim Il-sung]]
# [[Park Chung-hee]]
# [[Syngman Rhee]]

Southeastern Asia (11 articles)
# [[Corazon Aquino]]
# [[Chulalongkorn]]
# [[Ferdinand Marcos]]
# [[Ho Chi Minh]]
# [[Lee Kuan Yew]]
# [[Mahathir Mohamad]]
# [[Mindon Min]]
# [[Ne Win]]
# [[Pol Pot]]
# [[Suharto]]
# [[Sukarno]]

Southern Asia (3 articles)
# [[Benazir Bhutto]]
# [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]]
# [[Sheikh Mujibur Rahman]]
India (7 articles)
# [[George Curzon, 1st Marquess Curzon of Kedleston]]
# [[Indira Gandhi]]
# [[Jawaharlal Nehru]]
# [[Vallabhbhai Patel]]
# [[Manmohan Singh]]
# [[Bal Gangadhar Tilak]]
# [[Atal Bihari Vajpayee]]

Western Asia (9 articles)
# [[Abdul Hamid II]]
# [[Yasser Arafat]]
# [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]]
# [[David Ben-Gurion]]
# [[Faisal of Saudi Arabia]]
# [[Saddam Hussein]]
# [[Ibn Saud]]
# [[Mahmud II]]
# [[Golda Meir]]
{{Div col end}}

Europe (66 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Central Europe (5 articles)
# [[Alexander Dubček]]
# [[Francis II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Václav Havel]]
# [[Franz Joseph I of Austria]]
# [[Klemens von Metternich]]

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Symon Petliura]]
# [[Józef Piłsudski]]
# [[Lech Wałęsa]]
Southeastern Europe (6 articles)
# [[Ion Antonescu]]
# [[Nicolae Ceaușescu]]
# [[Enver Hoxha]]
# [[Slobodan Milošević]]
# [[Ante Pavelić]]
# [[Josip Broz Tito]]
Russia and USSR (12 articles)
# [[Alexander I of Russia]]
# [[Alexander II of Russia]]
# [[Leonid Brezhnev]]
# [[Mikhail Gorbachev]]
# [[Nikita Khrushchev]]
# '''[[Vladimir Lenin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nicholas I of Russia]]
# [[Nicholas II of Russia]]
# [[Vladimir Putin]]
# '''[[Joseph Stalin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leon Trotsky]]
# [[Boris Yeltsin]]

Scandinavia (4 articles)
# [[Gro Harlem Brundtland]]
# [[Charles XIV John]]
# [[Carl Gustaf Emil Mannerheim]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dag Hammarskjöld]]

Western Europe (1 article)
# [[Leopold II of Belgium]]
France (6 articles)
# [[Georges Clemenceau]]
# [[Charles de Gaulle]]
# [[François Mitterrand]]
# [[Louis Philippe I]]
# [[Napoleon III]]
# [[Adolphe Thiers]]
Germany (12 articles)
# [[Konrad Adenauer]]
# [[Otto von Bismarck]]
# [[Willy Brandt]]
# [[Joseph Goebbels]]
# '''[[Adolf Hitler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Heinrich Himmler]]
# [[Erich Honecker]]
# [[Helmut Kohl]]
# [[Angela Merkel]]
# [[Albert Speer]]
# [[William I, German Emperor]]
# [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor]]
Iberia (3 articles)
# [[Francisco Franco]]
# [[Juan Carlos I]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[António de Oliveira Salazar]]

Ireland (3 articles)
# [[Michael Collins (Irish leader)|Michael Collins]]
# [[Charles Stewart Parnell]]
# [[Éamon de Valera]]
Italy (2 articles)
# [[Camillo Benso, Count of Cavour]]
# [[Benito Mussolini]]
United Kingdom (9 articles)
# [[Robert Peel]]
# [[Queen Victoria]]
# [[William Ewart Gladstone]]
# [[Benjamin Disraeli]]
# [[David Lloyd George]]
# '''[[Winston Churchill]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Clement Attlee]]
# [[Elizabeth II]]
# [[Margaret Thatcher]]
{{Div col end}}

Oceania (1 article)
# [[John Curtin]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Military leaders and theorists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Military leaders and theorists (52 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient history (8 articles)
# [[Flavius Aetius]]
# [[Hannibal]]
# [[Zhuge Liang]]
# [[Mark Antony]]
# [[Pompey]]
# [[Scipio Africanus]]
# [[Sulla]]
# [[Sun Tzu]]

Post-classical history (10 articles)
# [[Amr ibn al-As]]
# [[El Cid]]
# [[Godfrey of Bouillon]]
# '''[[Joan of Arc]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Hunyadi]]
# [[Subutai]]
# [[Trần Hưng Đạo]]
# [[William Wallace]]
# [[Jan Žižka]]
# [[Khalid ibn al-Walid]]
{{Col-break}}

Early modern history (13 articles)
# [[Afonso de Albuquerque]]
# [[Fernando Álvarez de Toledo, 3rd Duke of Alba]]
# [[Hayreddin Barbarossa]]
# [[John Churchill, 1st Duke of Marlborough]]
# [[Hernán Cortés]]
# [[Michiel de Ruyter]]
# [[Francis Drake]]
# [[Miyamoto Musashi]]
# [[Prince Eugene of Savoy]]
# [[Francisco Pizarro]]
# [[Maurice de Saxe]]
# [[Alexander Suvorov]]
# [[Yi Sun-sin]]
{{Col-break}}

Modern history (21 articles)
# [[Robert Baden-Powell, 1st Baron Baden-Powell]]
# [[Carl von Clausewitz]]
# [[Enver Pasha]]
# [[Giuseppe Garibaldi]]
# [[Hermann Göring]]
# [[Ulysses S. Grant]]
# [[Paul von Hindenburg]]
# [[T. E. Lawrence]]
# [[Robert E. Lee]]
# [[Erich Ludendorff]]
# [[Douglas MacArthur]]
# [[Alfred Thayer Mahan]]&lt;!--Naval theorist--&gt;
# [[George Marshall]]
# [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder]]
# [[Bernard Montgomery]]
# [[Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson]]
# [[Erwin Rommel]]
# [[Võ Nguyên Giáp]]
# [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]
# [[Isoroku Yamamoto]]
# [[Georgy Zhukov]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Rebels, revolutionaries and activists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Rebels, revolutionaries and activists (54 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient history (1 article)
# [[Spartacus]]

Post-classical history (3 articles)
# [[Abu Muslim]]
# [[Babak Khorramdin]]
# [[Huang Chao]]

Early modern history (8 articles)
General (5 articles)
# [[Blackbeard]]
# [[Bartolomé de las Casas]]
# [[Thomas Müntzer]]
# [[Yemelyan Pugachev]]
# [[William Wilberforce]]

France (3 articles)
# [[Georges Danton]]
# [[Jean-Paul Marat]]&lt;!--France--&gt;
# [[Maximilien Robespierre]]
{{Col-break}}

Modern history (42 articles)
Americas (20 articles)
# [[Che Guevara]]
# [[Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla]]
# [[Louis Riel]]
# [[Pancho Villa]]
# [[Emiliano Zapata]]
United States (15 articles)
# [[Jane Addams]]
# [[Susan B. Anthony]]
# [[Frederick Douglass]]
# [[Betty Friedan]]
# [[Helen Keller]]
# [[Martin Luther King Jr.]]
# [[Malcolm X]]
# [[Harvey Milk]]
# [[John Muir]]
# [[Rosa Parks]]
# [[Margaret Sanger]]
# [[Elizabeth Cady Stanton]]
# [[Sojourner Truth]]
# [[Harriet Tubman]]
# [[Booker T. Washington]]
{{Col-break}}

Africa (5 articles)
# [[Steve Biko]]
# [[Patrice Lumumba]]
# [[Sayyid Qutb]]
# [[Thomas Sankara]]
# [[Ken Saro-Wiwa]]

Asia (11 articles)
# [[B. R. Ambedkar]]
# [[Aung San]]
# [[Osama bin Laden]]
# [[Subhas Chandra Bose]]
# [[Diponegoro]]
# '''[[Mahatma Gandhi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hong Xiuquan]]
# [[José Rizal]]
# [[Rani of Jhansi]]
# [[Sun Yat-sen]]
# [[Aung San Suu Kyi]]

Europe (6 articles)
# [[Henry Dunant]]
# [[Emma Goldman]]
# [[Theodor Herzl]]
# [[Rosa Luxemburg]]
# [[Nestor Makhno]]
# [[Emmeline Pankhurst]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Scientists, inventors and mathematicians&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Scientists, inventors and mathematicians (253 articles)==

Ancient figures (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Ancient (13 articles)
# [[Apollonius of Perga]]
# '''[[Archimedes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diophantus]]
# [[Eratosthenes]]
# '''[[Euclid]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Galen]]
# [[Hipparchus]]
# [[Hypatia]]
# '''[[Hippocrates]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pliny the Elder]]
# [[Ptolemy]]
# [[Pythagoras]]
# [[Zhang Heng]]

Post-classical (12 articles)
# [[Al-Zahrawi|Abu al-Qasim al-Zahrawi]]
# [[Al-Biruni]]
# [[Ibn al-Haytham]]
# [[Aryabhata]]
# '''[[Avicenna]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brahmagupta]]
# [[Fibonacci]]
# '''[[Jabir ibn Hayyan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Muhammad ibn Musa al-Khwarizmi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Muhammad ibn Zakariya al-Razi]]
# [[Nasir al-Din al-Tusi]]
# '''[[Shen Kuo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

Physics and astronomy (66 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Early modern (5 articles)
# [[William Gilbert (physician)|William Gilbert]]
# [[Robert Hooke]]
# [[Christiaan Huygens]]&lt;!--optics--&gt;
# [[Mikhail Lomonosov]]&lt;!--Greatest Russian scientist--&gt;
# '''[[Isaac Newton]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Modern (51 articles)
# [[Amedeo Avogadro]]&lt;!--pressure/atoms--&gt;
# [[André-Marie Ampère]]&lt;!--father of electrodynamics--&gt;
# [[Henri Becquerel]]&lt;!--discovered natural radioactivity--&gt;
# [[Hans Bethe]]&lt;!-- stellar nucleosynthesis --&gt;
# '''[[Niels Bohr]]'''&lt;!--contributed to quantum theory &amp; nuclear reactions--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ludwig Boltzmann]]
# [[Max Born]]
# [[William Henry Bragg]]&lt;!--x-ray spectrometry--&gt;
# [[Nicolas Léonard Sadi Carnot]]&lt;!--founded thermodynamics--&gt;
# [[Henry Cavendish]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[James Chadwick]]
# '''[[Marie Curie]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre Curie]]&lt;!--discovered piezoelectricity--&gt;
# [[John Dalton]]
# [[Paul Dirac]]&lt;!--co-found quantum electrodynamics; antimatter--&gt;
# '''[[Albert Einstein]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Michael Faraday]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Enrico Fermi]]&lt;!--self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction--&gt;
# [[Richard Feynman]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Léon Foucault]]&lt;!--invented the gyroscope--&gt;
# [[Augustin-Jean Fresnel]]&lt;!--transverse light waves--&gt;
# [[Murray Gell-Mann]]&lt;!--explanation of strange particles--&gt;
# [[Stephen Hawking]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Werner Heisenberg]]&lt;!--quantum mechanics--&gt;
# [[Hermann von Helmholtz]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[James Hutton]]&lt;!--geologist--&gt;
# [[James Prescott Joule]]&lt;!--mechanical equivalent of heat--&gt;
# [[Charles K. Kao]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[Gustav Kirchhoff]]&lt;!--3 laws of spectral analysis--&gt;
# [[Ernest Lawrence]]&lt;!--invented cyclotron--&gt;
# [[Tsung-Dao Lee]]
# [[Hendrik Lorentz]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Ernst Mach]]&lt;!--Mach number/sound--&gt;
# '''[[James Clerk Maxwell]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lise Meitner]] &lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Albert A. Michelson]]&lt;!--interferometer, precisely measured speed of light--&gt;
# [[Robert Andrews Millikan]]&lt;!--coined &quot;cosmic rays&quot;--&gt;
# [[Georg Ohm]]&lt;!--Ohm's law/resistance--&gt;
# [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]&lt;!--first A-bomb--&gt;
# [[Hans Christian Ørsted]]&lt;!--electric magnet--&gt;
# [[Wolfgang Pauli]]&lt;!--discovered exclusion principle; neutrino--&gt;
# [[Max Planck]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[C. V. Raman]]
# [[Wilhelm Röntgen]]&lt;!-- X-rays --&gt;
# [[Andrei Sakharov]]&lt;!--father of the Soviet hydrogen bomb--&gt;
# [[Erwin Schrödinger]]&lt;!--Schrödinger wave equation--&gt;
# [[Edward Teller]]&lt;!--H-bomb--&gt;
# [[J. J. Thomson]]
# [[William Thomson, 1st Baron Kelvin]]
# [[Johannes Diderik van der Waals]]
# [[Thomas Young (scientist)|Thomas Young]]&lt;!--wave nature of light--&gt;

Astronomy (10 articles)
# [[Tycho Brahe]]
# '''[[Nicolaus Copernicus]]'''&lt;!-- heliocentric model --&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Galileo Galilei]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edmond Halley]]
# [[Caroline Herschel]]
# [[William Herschel]]
# [[Edwin Hubble]]
# [[Johannes Kepler]]
# [[Georges Lemaître]]
# [[Carl Sagan]]&lt;!--Cosmos--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Chemistry (24 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Svante Arrhenius]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Jöns Jacob Berzelius]]
# [[Robert Boyle]]&lt;!--physicist/chemist &quot;Boyle's law&quot;--&gt;
# [[Humphry Davy]]
# [[Peter Debye]]
# [[Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac]]&lt;!--chemist &quot;Gay-Lussac's law&quot;--&gt;
# [[Josiah Willard Gibbs]]&lt;!--physicist/chemist &quot;Gibbs effect, Gibbs free energy&quot;--&gt;
# [[Fritz Haber]]
# [[Otto Hahn]]
# [[Jacobus Henricus van 't Hoff]]
# [[Dorothy Hodgkin]]
# [[Irving Langmuir]]
# '''[[Antoine Lavoisier]]'''&lt;!--chemist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gilbert N. Lewis]]&lt;!--covalent bond, heavy water, Lewis acids/bases--&gt;
# [[Justus von Liebig]]
# '''[[Dmitri Mendeleev]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Linus Pauling]]&lt;!--chemist/biochemist--&gt;
# [[Joseph Priestley]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Ilya Prigogine]]
# [[Ernest Rutherford]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Frederick Sanger]]
# [[Harold Urey]]
# [[Friedrich Wöhler]]
# [[Robert Burns Woodward]]
{{Div col end}}

Life sciences (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (17 articles)
# [[Louis Agassiz]]
# [[John James Audubon]]
# [[Norman Borlaug]]
# [[Rachel Carson]]
# [[George Washington Carver]]
# [[Jacques Cousteau]]&lt;!--invented SCUBA--&gt;
# '''[[Charles Darwin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexander Fleming]]
# [[Stephen Jay Gould]]
# [[W. D. Hamilton]]
# [[Ernst Haeckel]]
# [[Joseph Dalton Hooker]]
# [[Edward Jenner]]
# [[Charles Lyell]]
# [[Marie Tharp]]
# [[Eugenius Warming]]
# [[Alfred Wegener]]
{{Col-break}}

Biology (18 articles)
# [[Joseph Banks]]
# [[Edward Drinker Cope]]&lt;!--helped to define the field of American palaeontology--&gt;
# [[Francis Crick]]&lt;!--co-discoverer of DNA structure--&gt;
# [[Georges Cuvier]]
# [[Rosalind Franklin]]
# [[Jane Goodall]]
# [[Thomas Henry Huxley]]&lt;!--studied dinosaurs as birds?--&gt;
# [[Alfred Kinsey]]
# [[Hans Adolf Krebs]]&lt;!--discovered the urea cycle and the citric acid cycle--&gt;
# [[Jean-Baptiste Lamarck]]&lt;!--evolution--&gt;
# [[Antonie van Leeuwenhoek]]&lt;!--father of microbiology--&gt;
# '''[[Carl Linnaeus]]'''&lt;!--taxonomy--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Konrad Lorenz]]
# [[Barbara McClintock]]&lt;!--genetic work, including discovery of DNA transposition--&gt;
# [[Gregor Mendel]]&lt;!--foundation of the modern science of genetics--&gt;
# [[Santiago Ramón y Cajal]]&lt;!--father of modern neuroscience--&gt;
# [[Alfred Russel Wallace]]
# [[James Watson]]&lt;!--co-discoverer of DNA structure--&gt;
{{Col-break}}

Medicine (10 articles)
# [[William Harvey]]
# [[Robert Koch]]
# [[Li Shizhen]]
# [[Joseph Lister]]
# [[Florence Nightingale]]
# [[Paracelsus]]
# '''[[Louis Pasteur]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jonas Salk]]
# [[Ignaz Semmelweis]]
# [[Andreas Vesalius]]
{{Col-end}}

Inventors and engineers (36 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Leo Baekeland]]
# [[John Logie Baird]]
# [[John Bardeen]]&lt;!--transistor 1947--&gt;
# [[Alexander Graham Bell]]
# [[Carl Benz]]
# [[Isambard Kingdom Brunel]]
# [[Emile Berliner]]&lt;!--made flat records--&gt;
# [[Wernher von Braun]]&lt;!-- aerospace engineer and space architect who was the leading figure in the development of rocket technology in Germany and the father of rocket technology and space science in the United States--&gt;
# [[Cai Lun]] &lt;!--paper--&gt;
# [[Wallace Carothers]]&lt;!--nylon @DuPont--&gt;
# [[Louis Daguerre]]&lt;!--Photography (daguerreotype)--&gt;
# [[Rudolf Diesel]]
# [[Lee de Forest]]&lt;!--invented triode 1907--&gt;
# [[George Eastman]]&lt;!--camera--&gt;
# '''[[Thomas Edison]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gustave Eiffel]] &lt;!--300 meter tower, bridges--&gt;
# [[Philo Farnsworth]]&lt;!--Innovator of the television--&gt;
# [[Robert Fulton]]&lt;!--steamboat--&gt;
# '''[[Johannes Gutenberg]]'''&lt;!--invented lead moveable type--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jack Kilby]]&lt;!--co-invented IC chip--&gt;
# [[Sergei Korolev]]&lt;!--regarded by many as the father of practical astronautics--&gt;
# [[Guglielmo Marconi]]&lt;!--inventor:wireless-- --&gt;
# [[Cyrus McCormick]]&lt;!--mechanical reaper invented 1831--&gt;
# [[Montgolfier brothers]]&lt;!--hot air ballon--&gt;
# [[Samuel Morse]]&lt;!--Telegraph--&gt;
# [[Nicéphore Niépce]]&lt;!--photography--&gt;
# [[Alfred Nobel]]&lt;!--Prize/dynamite--&gt;
# [[Charles Algernon Parsons]]&lt;!--steam turbine--&gt;
# [[William Shockley]]&lt;!--transistor 1947--&gt;
# [[George Stephenson]]&lt;!--Locomotive, blast furnace--&gt;
# '''[[Nikola Tesla]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alessandro Volta]]&lt;!--battery--&gt;
# [[James Watt]]&lt;!--steam engine--&gt;
# [[Eli Whitney]]&lt;!--invented cotton gin--&gt;
# [[Steve Wozniak]]&lt;!--Apple--&gt;
# [[Wright brothers]]&lt;!--Flyer--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Mathematicians (45 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Early modern (9 articles)
# [[Jean le Rond d'Alembert]]
# [[Daniel Bernoulli]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Jacob Bernoulli]]
# [[Johann Bernoulli]]
# [[Gerolamo Cardano]]
# '''[[Leonhard Euler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre de Fermat]]
# [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz]]
# [[Blaise Pascal]]

Modern (36 articles)
# [[Niels Henrik Abel]]
# [[Stefan Banach]]
# [[George Boole]]
# [[Georg Cantor]]
# [[Augustin-Louis Cauchy]]
# [[Arthur Cayley]]
# [[Peter Gustav Lejeune Dirichlet]]
# [[Ronald Fisher]]
# [[Joseph Fourier]]
# [[Gottlob Frege]]
# [[Évariste Galois]]
# [[Francis Galton]]&lt;!--statistician/progressive/polymath/sociologist/psychologist/anthropologist/eugenicist/tropical explorer/geographer/inventor/meteorologist/ proto-geneticist/psychometrician--&gt;
# '''[[Carl Friedrich Gauss]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Kurt Gödel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexander Grothendieck]]
# [[William Rowan Hamilton]]
# [[Charles Hermite]]
# [[David Hilbert]]
# [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi]]
# [[Andrey Kolmogorov]]
# [[Joseph-Louis Lagrange]]
# '''[[Pierre-Simon Laplace]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nikolai Lobachevsky]]
# [[Benoit Mandelbrot]]
# [[Gaspard Monge]]
# [[John von Neumann]]
# '''[[Emmy Noether]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Karl Pearson]]
# [[Henri Poincaré]]
# [[Siméon Denis Poisson]]
# [[Srinivasa Ramanujan]]
# [[Bernhard Riemann]]
# [[Claude Shannon]]
# [[Alfred Tarski]]
# [[Karl Weierstrass]]
# [[Hermann Weyl]]
{{Div col end}}

Computer scientists (12 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Charles Babbage]]
# [[Tim Berners-Lee]]&lt;!--HTTP &amp; HTML--&gt;
# [[Seymour Cray]]&lt;!--Cray supercomputer--&gt;
# [[Edsger W. Dijkstra]]&lt;!--Dijkstra's algorithm/structured programming--&gt;
# [[Douglas Engelbart]]&lt;!--computer mouse inventor--&gt;
# [[Grace Hopper]]&lt;!--first compiler--&gt;
# [[Donald Knuth]]&lt;!--algorithms--&gt;
# [[Herman Hollerith]]
# [[Ada Lovelace]]&lt;!--first programmer--&gt;
# [[Dennis Ritchie]]&lt;!--Unix/C--&gt;
# [[Linus Torvalds]]
# '''[[Alan Turing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sports figures&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sports figures (98 articles)==

Individual sports (53 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
Athletics (13 articles)&lt;!--includes field events such as jumping, throwing--&gt;
# [[Fanny Blankers-Koen]]&lt;!--1948--&gt;
# [[Usain Bolt]]&lt;!--2008-2012--&gt;
# [[Sergey Bubka]]&lt;!--pole vault--&gt;
# [[Hicham El Guerrouj]]&lt;!--2000s--&gt;
# [[Haile Gebrselassie]]&lt;!--2000s--&gt;
# [[Florence Griffith Joyner]]
# [[Jackie Joyner-Kersee]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Carl Lewis]]&lt;!--1984–1996--&gt;
# [[Edwin Moses]]&lt;!--1984--&gt;
# [[Paavo Nurmi]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Jesse Owens]]&lt;!--1936--&gt;
# [[Wilma Rudolph]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Emil Zátopek]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Auto racing (4 articles)
# [[Juan Manuel Fangio]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[A. J. Foyt]]&lt;!--Most wins, Most Indy wins--&gt;
# [[Michael Schumacher]]&lt;!--1990s and 2000s--&gt;
# [[Ayrton Senna]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Biathlon (1 article)
# [[Ole Einar Bjørndalen]]

Boxing (3 articles)
# [[Muhammad Ali]]&lt;!--1974--&gt;
# [[Joe Louis]]&lt;!--1930s and 1940s--&gt;
# [[Sugar Ray Robinson]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Chess (2 articles)
# [[Bobby Fischer]]
# [[Garry Kasparov]]

Climbing and mountaineering (3 articles)
# [[Edmund Hillary]]&lt;!--Everest--&gt;
# [[Junko Tabei]]
# [[Tenzing Norgay]]

Cycling (1 article)
# [[Eddy Merckx]]&lt;!--5 Tour de France wins--&gt;

Figure skating (1 article)
# [[Sonja Henie]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Golf (3 articles)
# [[Jack Nicklaus]]&lt;!--18 mainstream majors (8 senior majors (both records)--&gt;
# [[Annika Sörenstam]]&lt;!--1992–2008. One of the candidates for greatest women's golfer of all time.--&gt;
# [[Tiger Woods]]&lt;!--1996-present--&gt;

Gymnastics (3 articles)
# [[Nadia Comăneci]]&lt;!--1976/1980 Gold gym/floor--&gt;
# [[Olga Korbut]]
# [[Larisa Latynina]]&lt;!--1956/1960 Gold gym+floor--&gt;

Martial arts (1 article)
# [[Bruce Lee]]&lt;!--actor/martial artist--&gt;
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Skiing (2 articles)
# [[Marit Bjørgen]]&lt;!--Most decorated winter sports athlete--&gt;
# [[Ingemar Stenmark]]&lt;!-- won far more international races than any other alpine skier in history - 86 (46 giant slaloms and 40 slaloms)--&gt;

Speed skating (2 articles)
# [[Bonnie Blair]]&lt;!--1994 Gold--&gt;
# [[Eric Heiden]]&lt;!--1980 (5 golds--&gt;

Swimming (3 articles)
# [[Michael Phelps]]&lt;!--2004/2016--&gt;
# [[Mark Spitz]]&lt;!--1972 Gold (7)--&gt;
# [[Johnny Weissmuller]]&lt;!--5 Olympic medals--&gt;

Tennis (8 articles)
# [[Margaret Court]]&lt;!--1960–1977. Most Grand Slam titles in history; only player to have won singles, same-sex doubles, and mixed doubles at all Grand Slam events (the &quot;boxed set&quot;) at least twice.--&gt;
# [[Roger Federer]]&lt;!--20xx Most Grand Slam singles titles by a male player in history--&gt;
# [[Steffi Graf]]&lt;!--19xx Last player to win a calendar-year Grand Slam; most Grand Slam singles titles in the open era.--&gt;
# [[Rod Laver]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Suzanne Lenglen]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Rafael Nadal]]&lt;!--20xx--&gt;
# [[Martina Navratilova]]&lt;!--19xx Boxed set of Grand Slam titles--&gt;
# [[Serena Williams]]&lt;!--20xx--&gt;

Wrestling (1 article)
# [[Aleksandr Karelin]]

Multiple sports (2 articles)
# [[Jim Thorpe]]&lt;!--1910s and 1920s--&gt;&lt;!--Won a gold medal in the decathlon, member of Pro Football Hall of Fame, and played Pro Baseball--&gt;
# [[Babe Didrikson Zaharias]]&lt;!--1930s to 1950s--&gt;&lt;!--Highly notable in both athletics AND golf--&gt;
{{Col-end}}

Team sports (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
American football (3 articles)
# [[Jim Brown]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Jerry Rice]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Vince Lombardi]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Association football (14 articles)
# [[Franz Beckenbauer]]
# [[Johan Cruyff]]
# [[Alfredo Di Stéfano]]
# [[Eusébio]]
# [[Mia Hamm]]
# [[Diego Maradona]]
# [[Lionel Messi]]
# [[Pelé]]&lt;!--2008 Lifetime Achievement Award--&gt;
# [[Michel Platini]]
# [[Ferenc Puskás]]
# [[Ronaldo (Brazilian footballer)|Ronaldo]]
# [[Cristiano Ronaldo]]
# [[Lev Yashin]]
# [[Zinedine Zidane]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Baseball (6 articles)
# [[Hank Aaron]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Ty Cobb]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Willie Mays]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Sadaharu Oh]]
# [[Jackie Robinson]]&lt;!--1947–1957; broke baseball's 20th-century color line--&gt;
# [[Babe Ruth]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Basketball (6 articles)
# [[Kareem Abdul-Jabbar]]&lt;!--1985--&gt;
# [[Wilt Chamberlain]]&lt;!--1970--&gt;
# [[LeBron James]]
# [[Magic Johnson]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Michael Jordan]]&lt;!--1984–2003--&gt;
# [[James Naismith]]

Rugby union (3 articles)
# [[Gareth Edwards]]
# [[Jonah Lomu]]
# [[Colin Meads]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Cricket (7 articles)
# [[Don Bradman]]
# [[W. G. Grace]]
# [[Sydney Barnes]]
# [[Viv Richards]]
# [[Garfield Sobers]]
# [[Sachin Tendulkar]]
# [[Shane Warne]]

Field hockey (2 articles)
# [[Luciana Aymar]]
# [[Dhyan Chand]]

Ice hockey (3 articles)
# [[Wayne Gretzky]]&lt;!--1982--&gt;
# [[Gordie Howe]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Vladislav Tretiak]]

Rowing (1 article)
# [[Steve Redgrave]]&lt;!--1984-2000--&gt;
{{Col-end}}
&lt;!-- --------------------------------------------- last group of people--&gt;
=History (686 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (3 articles)==
# '''[[Human history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[History]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Civilization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by continent and region&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by continent and region (18 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[History of Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of North Africa]]
# '''[[History of Europe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of Scandinavia]]
## [[History of the Mediterranean region]]
# '''[[History of North America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of the Caribbean]]
# '''[[History of South America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of Oceania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[History of East Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[History of China]]
### [[History of Korea]]
## '''[[History of India]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of Southeast Asia]]
## [[History of Central Asia]]
## '''[[History of the Middle East]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[History of Antarctica]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by country&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by country (40 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=31%}}
Africa (6 articles)
# [[History of Egypt]]
# [[History of Ethiopia]]
# [[History of Morocco]]
# [[History of Nigeria]]
# [[History of South Africa]]
# [[History of Sudan]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[History of Brazil]]
# [[History of Canada]]
# [[History of Mexico]]
# [[History of Peru]]
# [[History of the United States]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[History of Australia]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Asia (13 articles)
# [[History of Afghanistan]]
# [[History of the People's Republic of China]]
# [[History of India (1947–present)]]
# [[History of Indonesia]]
# [[History of Iran]]
# [[History of Iraq]]
# [[History of Israel]]
# [[History of Japan]]
# [[History of Pakistan]]
# [[History of the Philippines]]
# [[History of Thailand]]
# [[History of Turkey]]
# [[History of Vietnam]]
{{Col-break|width=34%}}

Europe (15 articles)
# [[History of Austria]]
# [[History of Germany]]
# [[History of Greece]]
# [[History of the Netherlands]]
# [[History of the United Kingdom]]
## [[History of England]]
## [[History of Scotland]]
## [[History of Ireland]]
# [[History of France]]
# [[History of Italy]]
# [[History of Poland]]
# [[History of Portugal]]
# [[History of Russia]]
# [[History of Spain]]
# [[History of Ukraine]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Prehistory&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Prehistory (15 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Prehistory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Early human migrations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Stone Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Paleolithic]]
## [[Lower Paleolithic]]
## [[Middle Paleolithic]]
### [[Control of fire by early humans]]
## [[Upper Paleolithic]]
### [[Behavioral modernity]]
# [[Mesolithic]]
# [[Neolithic]]
## '''[[Neolithic Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cradle of civilization]]
## [[Prehistoric Egypt]]
## [[Proto-Indo-Europeans]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Ancient history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ancient history (127 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Ancient history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Bronze Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chalcolithic]]
# '''[[Iron Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Classical antiquity]]
## [[Hellenistic period]]
# [[Late antiquity]]
# '''[[Silk Road]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Africa (15 articles)
# '''[[Ancient Egypt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Old Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[Middle Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[New Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[Ptolemaic Kingdom]]
## [[Pharaoh]]
## [[Valley of the Kings]]
# [[Kingdom of Aksum]]
# [[Bantu expansion]]
# [[Ancient Carthage]]
## [[Punic Wars]]
# [[Nok culture]]
# [[Nubia]]
## [[Kingdom of Kush]]
# [[Land of Punt]]

Americas (11 articles)
# [[Ancestral Puebloans]]
# '''[[Andean civilizations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chavín culture]]
## [[Norte Chico civilization]]
# '''[[Mesoamerica]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Maya civilization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Olmecs]]
## [[Zapotec civilization]]
# [[Paleo-Indians]]
## [[Clovis culture]]
# [[Settlement of the Americas]]

Asia (61 articles)

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (12 articles)
# '''[[Achaemenid Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Atropatene]]
# [[Bactria]]
# [[Caucasian Albania]]
# [[Elam]]
# [[Kingdom of Iberia]]
# [[Medes]]
# [[Parthian Empire]]
# [[Roman–Persian Wars]]
# [[Sasanian Empire]]
# [[Sogdia]]
# [[Tocharians]]
{{Col-break}}

East Asia (16 articles)
&lt;!-- ancient China and Imperial China before the Sui Dynasty --&gt;
# [[Gojoseon]]
# '''[[Han dynasty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jin dynasty (266–420)|Jin dynasty]]
# [[Jōmon period]]
# [[Northern and Southern dynasties]]
# [[Shang dynasty]]
# [[Sixteen Kingdoms]]
# [[Qin dynasty]]
# [[Spring and Autumn period]]
# [[Three Kingdoms]]
# [[Three Kingdoms of Korea]]
# [[Warring States period]]
# [[Xia dynasty]]
# [[Xiongnu]]
# [[Yayoi period]]
# [[Zhou dynasty]]

Southeast Asia (3 articles)
# [[Hồng Bàng dynasty]]
# [[Nanyue]]
# [[Pyu city-states]]

South Asia (10 articles)
# '''[[Gupta Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Indus Valley Civilisation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chola dynasty]]
# [[Indo-Greek Kingdom]]
# [[Indo-Scythians]]
# [[Kushan Empire]]
# [[Magadha]]
# [[Maurya Empire]]
# [[Satavahana dynasty]]
# [[Vedic period]]

West Asia (20 articles)
# [[Fertile Crescent]]
## '''[[Mesopotamia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sumer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Assyria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Babylonia]]
## [[Chaldea]]
# [[Akkadian Empire]]
# [[Amorites]]
# [[Kingdom of Armenia (antiquity)|Kingdom of Armenia]]
# [[Ebla]]
# [[History of ancient Israel and Judah]]
# [[Hittites]]
# [[Lydia]]
# [[Mitanni]]
# [[Phoenicia]]
# [[Phrygia]]
# [[Seleucid Empire]]
# [[Sabaeans]]
# [[Trojan War]]
# [[Urartu]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (32 articles)
&lt;!-- see also under &quot;Cities, Europe&quot; for Athens --&gt;
# '''[[Ancient Greece]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Minoan civilization]]
## [[Mycenaean Greece]]
## [[Classical Athens]]
## [[Sparta]]
## [[Delian League]]
## [[Greco-Persian Wars]]
## [[Peloponnesian War]]
## [[Macedonia (ancient kingdom)|Macedonia]]
# [[Etruscan civilization]]
# '''[[Ancient Rome]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Roman Kingdom]]
## [[Roman Republic]]
### [[Macedonian Wars]]
### [[Gallic Wars]]
## [[Roman Empire]]
### [[Julio-Claudian dynasty]]
### [[Nerva–Antonine dynasty]]
### [[Crisis of the Third Century]]
## [[Western Roman Empire]]
### [[Fall of the Western Roman Empire]]
# [[Celts]]
# [[Dacians]]
# [[Odrysian kingdom]]
# [[Sarmatians]]
# [[Scythians]]
# [[Migration Period]]
## [[Alans]]
## [[Goths]]
## [[Huns]]
## [[Saxons]]
## [[Vandals]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Post-classical history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Post-classical history (132 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Post-classical history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Feudalism]]
## [[Serfdom]]
# [[Guild]]
# [[Nobility]]
## [[Boyar]]
## [[Knight]]
### [[Chivalry]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Ajuran Sultanate]]
# [[Almoravid dynasty]]
# [[Ghana Empire]]
# [[Kanem–Bornu Empire]]
# [[Mali Empire]]
# [[Songhai Empire]]
# [[Trans-Saharan trade]]

Americas (7 articles)
# '''[[Aztecs]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Inca Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chimú culture]]
# [[Mississippian culture]]
# [[Moche culture]]
# '''[[Pre-Columbian era]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Wari culture]]

Asia (41 articles)

West Asia (9 articles)
# '''[[Islamic Golden Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Crusades]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Crusader states]]
# '''[[Ottoman Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Abbasid Caliphate]]
# [[Fatimid Caliphate]]
# [[Sultanate of Rum]]
# [[Umayyad Caliphate]]
# [[Mamluk]]

Central Asia and Iran (8 articles)
# [[Aq Qoyunlu]]
# [[Göktürks]]
# [[Golden Horde]]
# [[Seljuk Empire]]
# [[Kara Koyunlu]]
# [[Muslim conquest of Persia]]
# [[Khwarazmian dynasty]]
# [[Uyghur Khaganate]]

Southeast Asia (7 articles)
# [[Champa]]
# [[Khmer Empire]]
# [[Majapahit]]
# [[Malacca Sultanate]]
# [[Pagan Kingdom]]
# [[Srivijaya]]
# [[Trần dynasty]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (3 articles)
# [[Delhi Sultanate]]
# [[Muslim conquests in the Indian subcontinent]]
# [[Vijayanagara Empire]]

East Asia (14 articles)
# [[An Lushan Rebellion]]
# [[Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms period]]
# [[Goryeo]]
# [[Heian period]]
# [[Jin dynasty (1115–1234)|Great Jin]]
# [[Liao dynasty]]
# '''[[Mongol Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ninja]]
# [[Samurai]]
# [[Song dynasty]]
# [[Sui dynasty]]
# '''[[Tang dynasty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tibetan Empire]]
# [[Yuan dynasty]]

Europe (69 articles)
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Middle Ages]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Black Death]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[East–West Schism]]
# [[House of Habsburg]]

Eastern Europe and Central (25 articles)
# [[Pannonian Avars]]
# [[Kingdom of Bohemia]]
# [[First Bulgarian Empire]]
# [[Second Bulgarian Empire]]
# '''[[Byzantine Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arab–Byzantine wars]]
## [[Byzantine–Bulgarian wars]]
## [[Byzantine–Ottoman wars]]
## [[Fall of Constantinople]]
# [[Cumans]]
# [[Kingdom of Galicia–Volhynia]]
# [[Grand Duchy of Lithuania]]
# [[Grand Duchy of Moscow]]
# [[Kingdom of Hungary]]
# [[Hussite Wars]]
# [[Khazars]]
# [[Kievan Rus']]
# [[Great Moravia]]
# [[Novgorod Republic]]
# [[Pechenegs]]
# [[Polish–Lithuanian–Teutonic War]]
# [[Rurik dynasty]]
# [[Teutonic Order]]
# [[Vladimir-Suzdal]]
# [[Volga Bulgaria]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (40 articles)
&lt;!-- see also in another section: Venice --&gt;
# [[Franks]]
# [[Hanseatic League]]
# '''[[Holy Roman Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Inquisition]]
# [[Investiture Controversy]]
# [[Kingdom of Germany]]
# [[Knights Templar]]
# [[Normans]]
# [[Northern Crusades]]
# [[Ostsiedlung]]
# [[House of Plantagenet]]
# '''[[Viking Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Vikings]]
# [[Wends]]

England (5 articles)
# [[Kingdom of England]]
# [[Anglo-Saxons]]
# [[Norman conquest of England]]
## [[Battle of Hastings]]
# [[Wars of the Roses]]

France (7 articles)
# [[Capetian dynasty]]
# [[Carolingian Empire]]
# [[Duchy of Burgundy]]
# [[Kingdom of France]]
# [[Hundred Years' War]]
# [[Francia]]
# [[Merovingian dynasty]]

Spain (6 articles)
# [[Al-Andalus]]
## [[Caliphate of Córdoba]]
## [[Reconquista]]
# [[Kingdom of Aragon]]
# [[Kingdom of Castile]]
# [[Visigothic Kingdom]]


Italy (8 articles)
# [[Gothic War (535–554)|Gothic War]]
# [[Guelphs and Ghibellines]]
# [[House of Medici]]
# [[Lombards]]
# [[Papal States]]
# [[Kingdom of Sicily]]
# [[Republic of Genoa]]
# [[Republic of Venice]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Early modern history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Early modern history (95 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Age of Discovery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Magellan's circumnavigation]]
# [[Little Ice Age]]
# '''[[Early modern period]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Renaissance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Scientific Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seven Years' War]]

Colonial empires (6 articles)
# '''[[British Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[French colonial empire]]
# [[Portuguese Empire]]
# [[Spanish Empire]]
# [[Columbian exchange]]
# [[Treaty of Tordesillas]]

Africa (8 articles)
# [[Slavery in Africa]]
# [[Atlantic slave trade]]
# [[Kingdom of Mutapa]]
# [[Ashanti Empire]]
# [[Kingdom of Kongo]]
# [[Oyo Empire]]
# [[Funj Sultanate]]
# [[Hausa Kingdoms]]

Americas (11 articles)
# [[American Revolution]]
## [[American Revolutionary War]]
# '''[[European colonization of the Americas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[British colonization of the Americas]]
## [[Spanish colonization of the Americas]]
### [[Spanish conquest of the Aztec Empire]]
### [[Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire]]
# [[French and Indian War]]
# [[Haitian Revolution]]
# [[Lewis and Clark Expedition]]
# [[Spanish American wars of independence]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (25 articles)
Basics (3 articles)
# [[Dutch East India Company]]
# [[East India Company]]
# [[Western imperialism in Asia]]

Central and West Asia (5 articles)
# [[Dzungar Khanate]]
# [[Kazakh Khanate]]
# [[Khanate of Bukhara]]
# [[Khanate of Sibir]]
# [[Safavid dynasty]]

East Asia (8 articles)
# [[1556 Shaanxi earthquake]]
# [[Edo period]]
## [[Tokugawa shogunate]]
# [[Japanese invasions of Korea (1592–1598)|Japanese invasions of Korea]]
# [[Joseon]]
# [[Ming dynasty]]
# [[Qing dynasty]]
# [[Sino-Burmese War (1765–1769)|Sino-Burmese War]]

Southeast Asia (4 articles)
# [[Ayutthaya Kingdom]]
# [[Lan Xang]]
# [[Lê dynasty]]
# [[Toungoo dynasty]]

South Asia (5 articles)
# [[Great Bengal famine of 1770]]
# [[Deccan sultanates]]
# [[Maratha Empire]]
# '''[[Mughal Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sikh Empire]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (38 articles)
Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Age of Enlightenment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Reformation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Thirty Years' War]]
# [[Counter-Reformation]]
# [[Peace of Westphalia]]

Eastern Europe and Central (18 articles)
# [[Cossacks]]
## [[Cossack Hetmanate]]
# [[Crimean Khanate]]
# [[Cretan War (1645–1669)|Cretan War]]
# [[Great Northern War]]
# [[Great Turkish War]]
# [[House of Romanov]]
# [[Khanate of Kazan]]
# [[Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth]]
## [[Partitions of Poland]]
## [[Union of Lublin]]
# [[Livonian War]]
# [[Muscovite–Lithuanian Wars]]
# [[Ottoman wars in Europe]]
## [[Battle of Vienna]]
# [[Polish–Muscovite War (1605–1618)|Polish–Muscovite War]]
# [[Tsardom of Russia]]
## [[Oprichnina]]

Western Europe (15 articles)
# [[1755 Lisbon earthquake]]
# [[Anglo-Dutch Wars]]
# [[Eighty Years' War]]
# [[Enclosure]]
# [[English Civil War]]
# '''[[French Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[French Revolutionary Wars]]
# [[French Wars of Religion]]
# [[Huguenots]]
# [[Italian Wars]]
# [[Prussia]]
# [[Puritans]]
# [[Spanish Inquisition]]
# [[War of the Austrian Succession]]
# [[War of the Spanish Succession]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Modern history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Modern history (173 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (40 articles)
# '''[[Late modern period]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Contemporary history]]
# [[1973 oil crisis]]
# [[COVID-19 pandemic]]
# '''[[Abolitionism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Civil rights movements]]
# '''[[Cold War]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Collective farming]]
# '''[[Decolonization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Financial crisis of 2007–2008]]
# '''[[Great Depression]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Green Revolution]]
# '''[[Industrial Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Information Age]]
# [[New Imperialism]]
# [[Post–World War II economic expansion]]
# [[Sexual revolution]]
# '''[[Space Race]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Moon landing]]
# [[Spanish flu]]
# [[War on terror]]

World War I (8 articles)
# '''[[World War I]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand]]
## [[Balfour Declaration]]
## [[Balkans theatre|Balkans Campaign]]
## [[Eastern Front (World War I)|Eastern Front]]
## [[Italian front (World War I)|Italian Front]]
## [[Middle Eastern theatre of World War I]]
## [[Western Front (World War I)|Western Front]]

World War II (11 articles)
# '''[[World War II]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
## [[Attack on Pearl Harbor]]
## [[Battle of the Atlantic]]
## [[Battle of Britain]]
## [[Eastern Front (World War II)|Eastern Front]]
## [[The Holocaust]]
## [[Mediterranean and Middle East theatre of World War II]]
## [[Pacific War]]
## [[Western Front (World War II)|Western Front]]
## [[Yalta Conference]]

Americas (21 articles)


North America (17 articles)
# [[American Civil War]]
# [[American Indian Wars]]
# [[American frontier]]
# [[Civil rights movement]]
# [[Confederate States of America]]
# [[Cuban Missile Crisis]]
# [[Cuban Revolution]]
# [[Dust Bowl]]
# [[Manhattan Project]]
# [[Mexican War of Independence]]
# [[Mexican Revolution]]
# [[Mexican–American War]]
# [[New Deal]]
# [[September 11 attacks]]
# [[Spanish–American War]]
# [[Wall Street Crash of 1929]]
# [[War of 1812]]

South America (4 articles)
# [[Empire of Brazil]]
# [[Gran Colombia]]
# [[War of the Pacific]]
# [[Paraguayan War]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (48 articles)
Central Asia and Iran (5 articles)
# [[Afghanistan conflict (1978–present)]]
# [[The Great Game]]
# [[Iran–Iraq War]]
# [[Iranian Revolution]]
# [[Persian Constitutional Revolution]]

East Asia (18 articles)
# [[1931 China floods]]
# [[Boxer Rebellion]]
# [[Chinese Civil War]]
# [[Cultural Revolution]]
# [[Empire of Japan]]
# [[First Opium War]]
# [[First Sino-Japanese War]]
# [[Great Leap Forward]]
# [[Korean War]]
# [[Meiji Restoration]]
# [[Russo-Japanese War]]
# [[Second Opium War]]
# [[1911 Revolution]]
# [[Second Sino-Japanese War]]
## [[Nanjing Massacre]]
# [[Taiping Rebellion]]
# [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests]]
# [[Unequal treaty]]

Southeast Asia (11 articles)
# [[2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami]]
# [[Dutch East Indies]]
# [[French Indochina]]
# [[Indonesian National Revolution]]
# [[Nguyễn dynasty]]
# [[Philippine–American War]]
# [[Philippine Revolution]]
# [[Konbaung dynasty]]
# [[Vietnam War]]
# [[Khmer Rouge]]
# [[First Indochina War]]

South Asia (7 articles)
# [[1970 Bhola cyclone]]
# [[Bangladesh Liberation War]]
# [[British Raj]]
# [[Indian independence movement]]
# [[Indian Rebellion of 1857]]
# [[Partition of India]]
# [[Sri Lankan Civil War]]

West Asia (7 articles)
# [[Arab–Israeli conflict]]
# [[Armenian Genocide]]
# [[Gulf War]]
# [[Iraq War]]
# [[Israeli–Palestinian conflict]]
# [[Turkish War of Independence]]
# [[Young Turks]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (49 articles)
Basics (7 articles)
# [[Austrian Empire]]
# [[Austria-Hungary]]
# [[Congress of Vienna]]
# [[European integration]]
# [[Iron Curtain]]
# [[Revolutions of 1848]]
# [[Treaty of Versailles]]

Eastern Europe (24 articles)
# [[Balkan Wars]]
# [[Chernobyl disaster]]
# [[Congress of Berlin]]
# [[Crimean War]]
# [[Czechoslovakia]]
# [[Eastern Bloc]]
# [[French invasion of Russia]]
# [[Greek War of Independence]]
# [[Hungarian Revolution of 1956]]
# [[Polish–Soviet War]]
# [[Prague Spring]]
# [[1905 Russian Revolution]]
# [[Revolutions of 1989]]
# [[Russian Civil War]]
# '''[[Russian Empire]]'''
# [[Russian Revolution]]
# [[Russo-Turkish War (1877–1878)|Russo-Turkish War]]
# '''[[Soviet Union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dissolution of the Soviet Union]]
## [[Great Purge]]
## [[Gulag]]
## [[Holodomor]]
## [[Population transfer in the Soviet Union]]
# [[Yugoslavia]]

Western Europe (18 articles)
# [[Belgian Revolution]]
# [[Berlin Wall]]
# [[Dreyfus affair]]
# [[Franco-Prussian War]]
# [[German Confederation]]
# [[German Empire]]
# [[German reunification]]
# [[Great Famine (Ireland)|Great Famine]]
# [[Italian unification]]
# [[July Revolution]]
# [[Napoleonic Wars]]
# [[Nazi Germany]]
## [[Nazi concentration camps]]
# [[Paris Commune]]
# [[Sinking of the Titanic|Sinking of the RMS ''Titanic'']]
# [[Spanish Civil War]]
# [[The Troubles]]
# [[Unification of Germany]]

Africa (15 articles)
# [[Algerian War]]
# [[Angolan Civil War]]
# [[Anglo-Zulu War]]
# [[Apartheid]]
# [[Arab Spring]]
# [[Congo Free State]]
# [[Ethiopian Civil War]]
# [[Mahdist War]]
# [[Nigerian Civil War]]
# [[Rwandan genocide]]
# '''[[Scramble for Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Second Boer War]]
# [[Second Congo War]]
# [[Second Italo-Ethiopian War]]
# [[Sokoto Caliphate]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Historical cities&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Historical cities (31 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (6 articles)
# [[Carthage]]
# [[Great Zimbabwe]]
# [[Memphis, Egypt|Memphis]]
# [[Meroë]]
# [[Thebes, Egypt|Thebes]]
# [[Timbuktu]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[Cahokia]]
# [[Tenochtitlan]]
# [[Teotihuacan]]
# [[Tikal]]
# [[Tiwanaku]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (16 articles)

# [[Antioch]]
# [[Babylon]]
# [[Çatalhöyük]]
# [[Ctesiphon]]
# [[Jericho]]
# [[Mohenjo-daro]]
# [[Nineveh]]
# [[Palmyra]]
# [[Persepolis]]
# [[Petra]]
# [[Susa]]
# [[Troy]]
# [[Tyre, Lebanon|Tyre]]
# [[Ugarit]]
# [[Ur]]
# [[Uruk]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (4 articles)
# [[Constantinople]]
# [[Knossos]]
# [[Pompeii]]
# [[Split, Croatia|Split]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by subject matter&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by subject matter (39 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=25em}}
# '''[[History of art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[History of architecture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[History of film]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[History of astronomy]]
## [[History of biology]]
## [[History of chemistry]]
## [[History of geography]]
## [[History of geology]]
## [[History of physics]]
## [[History of political thought]]
## [[History of psychology]]
## [[History of sociology]]
# '''[[History of technology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of computing hardware]]
## [[History of transport]]
### [[History of aviation]]
### [[Maritime history]]
# '''[[History of agriculture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of mathematics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of medicine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[History of communication]]
## [[History of linguistics]]
## [[History of writing]]
# [[History of economic thought]]
# [[History of human sexuality]]
# [[History of religion]]
## [[History of Hinduism]]
## [[History of Buddhism]]
## [[Jewish history]]
## [[History of Christianity]]
## [[History of Islam]]
## [[History of atheism]]
# [[History of games]]
# [[History of sport]]
# [[Legal history]]
# '''[[Military history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Auxiliary historical sciences&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Auxiliary historical sciences (13 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Archaeology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Archaeological culture]]
## [[Archaeological excavation|Excavation]]
## [[Radiocarbon dating]]
# [[Chronology]]
# [[Diplomatics]]
# [[Epigraphy]]
# [[Flag]]
# [[Genealogy]]
# [[Heraldry]]
# [[Historiography]]
## [[Conspiracy theory]]
# [[Palaeography]]
{{Div col end}}
=Geography (1,205 articles)=
&lt;small&gt;See also Physical sciences/Earth science.&lt;/small&gt;

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (36 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Geography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Country]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Exploration]]

Continents (9 articles)
# [[Eurasia]]
## '''[[Europe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Americas]]
## '''[[North America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[South America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Antarctica]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Australia (continent)]]
{{Col-break}}

Cartography (15 articles)
# [[Cartography]]
# '''[[Map]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Map projection]]
## [[Mercator projection]]
# [[Atlas]]
# [[Globe]]
# [[Border]]
# [[Surveying]]
# [[Geographic coordinate system]]
## [[Elevation]]
## [[Latitude]]
## [[Longitude]]
# [[Geodetic datum]]
# [[Geoid]]
# [[Remote sensing]]
{{Col-break}}

Earth (9 articles)
# [[Equator]]
# [[Tropic of Cancer]]
# [[Tropic of Capricorn]]
# [[Arctic Circle]]
# [[Antarctic Circle]]
# [[North Pole]]
# [[South Pole]]
# [[Prime meridian]]
# [[International Date Line]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Physical geography&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Physical geography (379 articles)==

Bodies of water (188 articles)

Oceans and seas (55 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Atlantic Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baltic Sea]]
## [[Bay of Biscay]]
## [[Black Sea]]
## [[Caribbean Sea]]
## [[Gulf of Guinea]]
## [[Gulf of Mexico]]
### [[Gulf Stream]]
## [[Gulf of Saint Lawrence]]
## [[Irish Sea]]
## [[Labrador Sea]]
## '''[[Mediterranean Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Adriatic Sea]]
### [[Aegean Sea]]
### [[Ionian Sea]]
## [[North Sea]]
## [[Norwegian Sea]]
## [[Sargasso Sea]]
## [[Sea of Azov]]
## [[Sea of Marmara]]
# '''[[Pacific Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gulf of Alaska]]
## [[Bering Sea]]
## [[Gulf of California]]
## [[Gulf of Carpentaria]]
## [[Coral Sea]]
## [[East China Sea]]
## [[Sea of Japan]]
## [[Sea of Okhotsk]]
## [[Philippine Sea]]
## [[Seto Inland Sea]]
## [[South China Sea]]
## [[Tasman Sea]]
## [[Gulf of Thailand]]
## [[Yellow Sea]]
# '''[[Indian Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Andaman Sea]]
## [[Arabian Sea]]
## [[Bay of Bengal]]
## [[Persian Gulf]]
## [[Red Sea]]
## [[Timor Sea]]
# '''[[Arctic Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baffin Bay]]
## [[Barents Sea]]
## [[Beaufort Sea]]
## [[Greenland Sea]]
## [[Hudson Bay]]
## [[Kara Sea]]
## [[White Sea]]
# [[Southern Ocean]]
## [[Great Australian Bight]]
## [[Ross Sea]]
## [[Scotia Sea]]
## [[Weddell Sea]]
{{Div col end}}

Lakes (37 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (10 articles)
# [[African Great Lakes]]
## '''[[Lake Victoria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lake Albert (Africa)|Lake Albert]]
## [[Lake Malawi]]
## [[Lake Tanganyika]]
## [[Lake Turkana]]
# [[Lake Chad]]
# [[Lake Kariba]]
# [[Lake Mweru]]
# [[Lake Volta]]

Europe (3 articles)
# [[Lake Ladoga]]
# [[Lake Onega]]
# [[Vänern]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (12 articles)

North America (10 articles)
# '''[[Great Lakes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lake Erie]]
## [[Lake Huron]]
## [[Lake Michigan]]
## [[Lake Ontario]]
## [[Lake Superior]]
# [[Great Bear Lake]]
# [[Great Slave Lake]]
# [[Lake Nicaragua]]
# [[Lake Winnipeg]]


South America (2 articles)
# [[Lake Maracaibo]]
# [[Lake Titicaca]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (10 articles)
# '''[[Caspian Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aral Sea]]
# [[Lake Baikal]]
# [[Lake Balkhash]]
# [[Dead Sea]]
# [[Issyk-Kul]]
# [[Poyang Lake]]
# [[Qinghai Lake]]
# [[Lake Urmia]]
# [[Lake Van]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Lake Vostok]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Lake Eyre]]
{{Col-end}}

Rivers (67 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Asia (25 articles)
# '''[[Yangtze]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ganges]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Yamuna]]
# [[Yellow River]]
# [[Mekong]]
# [[Lena (river)]]
# [[Yenisey]]
## [[Angara]]
# [[Ob (river)]]
## [[Irtysh]]
# [[Indus River]]
# [[Brahmaputra River]]
# [[Amur]]
## [[Songhua River]]
# [[Euphrates]]
# [[Amu Darya]]
# [[Salween River]]
# [[Ural (river)]]
# [[Syr Darya]]
# [[Irrawaddy River]]
# [[Pearl River (China)]]
# [[Tigris]]
# [[Godavari River]]
# [[Krishna River]]
# [[Jordan River]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (19 articles)


North America (9 articles)
# '''[[Mississippi River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Missouri River]]
## [[Ohio River]]
# [[Colorado River]]
# [[Columbia River]]
# [[Rio Grande]]
# [[Saint Lawrence River]]
# [[Yukon River]]
# [[Mackenzie River]]

South America (10 articles)
# '''[[Amazon River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Madeira River]]
## [[Rio Negro (Amazon)|Rio Negro]]
## [[Tocantins River]]
# [[Magdalena River]]
# [[Orinoco]]
# [[Paraná River]]
# [[Río de la Plata]]
# [[São Francisco River]]
# [[Uruguay River]]
{{Col-break}}

Africa (10 articles)
# '''[[Nile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Blue Nile]]
## [[White Nile]]
# [[Congo River]]
## [[Ubangi River]]
# [[Limpopo River]]
# [[Niger River]]
# [[Orange River]]
# [[Senegal River]]
# [[Zambezi]]

Europe (12 articles)
&lt;!-- listed in Asia: Ural River --&gt;
# [[Danube]]
# [[Dnieper]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[Don (river)]]
# [[Elbe]]
# [[Loire]]
# [[Neva]]
# [[Pechora (river)]]
# [[Rhine]]
# [[Tagus]]
# [[River Thames]]
# [[Vistula]]
# [[Volga]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Murray River]]
{{Col-end}}

Straits (20 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Gulf of Aden]]
# [[Bass Strait]]
# [[Bering Strait]]
# [[Bosporus]]
# [[Cook Strait]]
# [[Dardanelles]]
# [[Strait of Dover]]
# [[Drake Passage]]
# [[English Channel]]
# [[Straits of Florida]]
# [[Strait of Gibraltar]]
# [[Strait of Hormuz]]
# [[Kattegat]]
# [[Korea Strait]]
# [[Strait of Magellan]]
# [[Strait of Malacca]]
# [[Mozambique Channel]]
# [[Palk Strait]]
# [[Skagerrak]]
# [[Taiwan Strait]]
{{Div col end}}

Canals (7 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# [[Erie Canal]]
# [[Grand Canal (China)]]
# [[Kiel Canal]]
# [[Panama Canal]]
# [[Saint Lawrence Seaway]]
# [[Suez Canal]]
# [[White Sea–Baltic Canal]]
{{Div col end}}

Shipping routes (2 articles)
# [[Northeast Passage]]
# [[Northwest Passage]]

Other hydrologic features (11 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Waterfalls (4 articles)
# [[Angel Falls]]
# [[Iguazu Falls]]
# [[Niagara Falls]]
# [[Victoria Falls]]
{{Col-break}}

Seabed (3 articles)
# '''[[Great Barrier Reef]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mid-Atlantic Ridge]]
# [[Mariana Trench]]

Wetlands (1 article)
# [[Everglades]]
{{Col-break}}

Glaciers (2 articles)
# [[Antarctic ice sheet]]
# [[Greenland ice sheet]]

Aquifers (1 article)
# [[Great Artesian Basin]]
{{Col-end}}

Islands (77 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
&lt;!-- all island countries are listed under Countries --&gt;
Africa (6 articles)
# [[Azores]]
# [[Canary Islands]]
# [[Madeira]]
# [[Mayotte]]
# [[Réunion]]
# [[Zanzibar]]

Americas (21 articles)

Caribbean (8 articles)
# [[Greater Antilles]]
## [[Cayman Islands]]
## [[Hispaniola]]
## [[Puerto Rico]]
# [[Lesser Antilles]]
## [[ABC islands (Leeward Antilles)|ABC islands]]
## [[Guadeloupe]]
## [[Martinique]]

North America (8 articles)
# [[Aleutian Islands]]
# [[Arctic Archipelago]]
# [[Bermuda]]
## [[Baffin Island]]
## [[Ellesmere Island]]
## [[Victoria Island (Canada)]]
# [[Greenland]]
# [[Newfoundland (island)|Newfoundland]]

South America (5 articles)
# [[Easter Island]]
# [[Galápagos Islands]]
# [[Tierra del Fuego]]
# [[Marajó]]
# [[Falkland Islands]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (25 articles)
# [[Andaman and Nicobar Islands]]
# [[British Indian Ocean Territory]]
# [[Hainan]]
# [[Hokkaido]]
# [[Honshu]]
# [[Jeju Island]]
# [[Kuril Islands]]
# [[Kyushu]]
# [[Malay Archipelago]]
## [[Borneo]]
## [[Java]]
## [[Lesser Sunda Islands]]
### [[Bali]]
### [[Timor]]
## [[Luzon]]
## [[Maluku Islands]]
## [[Mindanao]]
## [[Sumatra]]
## [[Sulawesi]]
## [[Visayas]]
# [[Phuket Province|Phuket]]
# [[Ryukyu Islands]]
# [[Sakhalin]]
# [[Shikoku]]
# [[Socotra]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Alexander Island]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (14 articles)
# [[Balearic Islands]]
# [[British Isles]]
## [[Great Britain]]
## [[Ireland]]
## [[Isle of Man]]
## [[Channel Islands]]
# [[Crete]]
# [[Corsica]]
# [[Faroe Islands]]
# [[Novaya Zemlya]]
# [[Sardinia]]
# [[Sicily]]
# [[Svalbard]]
# [[Zealand]]

Oceania (10 articles)
# [[American Samoa]]
# [[French Polynesia]]
# [[Guam]]
# [[New Britain]]
# [[New Caledonia]]
# [[New Guinea]]
# [[Northern Mariana Islands]]
# [[Tasmania]]


New Zealand (2 articles)
# [[North Island]]
# [[South Island]]
{{Col-end}}

Peninsulas (16 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[Cape of Good Hope]]
# [[Horn of Africa]]

Americas (3 articles)
# [[Baja California Peninsula]]
# [[Cape Horn]]
# [[Yucatán Peninsula]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (6 articles)
# [[Anatolia]]
# [[Arabian Peninsula]]
# [[Mainland Southeast Asia]]
# [[Malay Peninsula]]
# [[Kamchatka Peninsula]]
# [[Sinai Peninsula]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (4 articles)
# [[Balkans]]
# [[Crimea]]
# [[Iberian Peninsula]]
# [[Kola Peninsula]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Antarctic Peninsula]]
{{Col-end}}

Land relief (53 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (2 articles)
# [[Eurasian Steppe]]
# [[Ring of Fire]]

Americas (14 articles)

North America (7 articles)
# '''[[Grand Canyon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Rocky Mountains]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Appalachian Mountains]]
# [[Canadian Shield]]
# [[Great Plains]]
# [[Pacific Coast Ranges]]
# [[Sierra Nevada]]

South America (7 articles)
# '''[[Andes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Altiplano]]
# [[Brazilian Highlands]]
# [[Cerrado]]
# [[Gran Chaco]]
# [[Guiana Shield]]
# [[Pampas]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Transantarctic Mountains]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (17 articles)

Southern Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[Himalayas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Deccan Plateau]]
# [[Indo-Gangetic Plain]]
# [[Karakoram]]
# [[Western Ghats]]

Western Asia (5 articles)
# [[Caucasus Mountains]]
# [[Iranian Plateau]]
# [[Hindu Kush]]
# [[Najd]]
# [[Zagros Mountains]]

Eastern Asia (4 articles)
# [[North China Plain]]
# [[Tibetan Plateau]]
# [[Kunlun Mountains]]
# [[Yunnan–Guizhou Plateau]]

Central and Northern Asia (3 articles)
# [[Altai Mountains]]
# [[Tian Shan]]
# [[West Siberian Plain]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (8 articles)
# '''[[Alps]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Apennine Mountains]]
# [[Balkan Mountains]]
# [[Carpathian Mountains]]
# [[East European Plain]]
# [[Pyrenees]]
# [[Scandinavian Mountains]]
# [[Ural Mountains]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Aïr Mountains]]
# [[Atlas Mountains]]
# [[Drakensberg]]
# [[Ethiopian Highlands]]
# [[Great Rift Valley]]
# [[Sahel]]
# [[Tassili n'Ajjer]]

Oceania (4 articles)
# [[Great Dividing Range]]
# [[Outback]]
# [[Southern Alps]]
# [[Uluru]]
{{Col-end}}

Mountain peaks (21 articles)
{{col-begin}}
{{col-break|width=33%}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[Mount Kenya]]
# [[Mount Kilimanjaro]]

Asia (5 articles)
# [[K2]]
# [[Mount Everest]]
# [[Mount Fuji]]
# [[Mount Kailash]]
# [[Mount Tai]]
{{col-break|width=34%}}

Americas (3 articles)
# [[Aconcagua]]
# [[Denali]]
# [[Mount St. Helens]]

Oceania (5 articles)
# [[Krakatoa]]
# [[Mauna Loa]]
# [[Mount Kosciuszko]]
# [[Mount Pinatubo]]
# [[Puncak Jaya]]
{{col-break|width=33%}}

Europe (5 articles)
# [[Mont Blanc]]
# [[Mount Elbrus]]
# [[Mount Etna]]
# [[Mount Olympus]]
# [[Mount Vesuvius]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Vinson Massif]]
{{col-end}}

Deserts (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Arabian Desert]]
# [[Atacama Desert]]
# [[Chihuahuan Desert]]
# [[Gobi Desert]]
# [[Great Victoria Desert]]
# [[Kalahari Desert]]
# [[Karakum Desert]]
# [[Mojave Desert]]
# '''[[Sahara]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Taklamakan Desert]]
{{Div col end}}

Forests (3 articles)
# '''[[Amazon rainforest]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sundarbans]]
# [[Virgin Komi Forests]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Parks and preserves&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Parks and preserves (18 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# [[Park]]
# [[National park]]
# [[World Heritage Site]]

Africa (4 articles)
# [[Banc d'Arguin National Park]]
# [[Kavango–Zambezi Transfrontier Conservation Area]]
# [[Ngorongoro Conservation Area]]
# [[Serengeti National Park]]

Asia (1 article)
# [[Kaziranga National Park]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (7 articles)


North America (6 articles)
# [[Banff National Park]]
# [[Central Park]]
# [[Great Smoky Mountains National Park]]
# [[Northeast Greenland National Park]]
# [[Yellowstone National Park]]
# [[Yosemite National Park]]


South America (1 article)
# [[Tumucumaque Mountains National Park]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (1 article)
# [[Lake District]]

Oceania (2 articles)
# [[Phoenix Islands Protected Area]]
# [[Royal National Park]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Countries&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Countries (207 articles)==

Americas (35 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
North America (10 articles)
# '''[[Canada]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mexico]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[United States]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Belize]]
# [[Costa Rica]]
# [[El Salvador]]
# [[Guatemala]]
# [[Honduras]]
# [[Nicaragua]]
# [[Panama]]
{{Col-break}}

South America (12 articles)
# '''[[Argentina]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Brazil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Colombia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bolivia]]
# [[Chile]]
# [[Ecuador]]
# [[Guyana]]
# [[Paraguay]]
# [[Peru]]
# [[Suriname]]
# [[Uruguay]]
# [[Venezuela]]
{{Col-break}}

Caribbean (13 articles)
# [[Antigua and Barbuda]]
# [[The Bahamas]]
# [[Barbados]]
# [[Cuba]]
# [[Dominica]]
# [[Dominican Republic]]
# [[Grenada]]
# [[Haiti]]
# [[Jamaica]]
# [[Saint Kitts and Nevis]]
# [[Saint Lucia]]
# [[Saint Vincent and the Grenadines]]
# [[Trinidad and Tobago]]
{{Col-end}}

Africa (54 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Africa (16 articles)
# [[Comoros]]
# [[Djibouti]]
# [[Eritrea]]
# '''[[Ethiopia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Kenya]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Madagascar]]
# [[Malawi]]
# [[Mauritius]]
# [[Mozambique]]
# [[Seychelles]]
# [[Somalia]]
# [[South Sudan]]
# '''[[Tanzania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Uganda]]
# [[Zambia]]
# [[Zimbabwe]]

North Africa (6 articles)
# [[Algeria]]
# '''[[Egypt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Libya]]
# [[Morocco]]
# [[Sudan]]
# [[Tunisia]]
{{Col-break}}

West Africa (16 articles)
# [[Benin]]
# [[Burkina Faso]]
# [[Cape Verde]]
# [[The Gambia]]
# [[Ghana]]
# [[Guinea]]
# [[Guinea-Bissau]]
# [[Ivory Coast]]
# [[Liberia]]
# [[Mali]]
# [[Mauritania]]
# [[Niger]]
# '''[[Nigeria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Senegal]]
# [[Sierra Leone]]
# [[Togo]]

Southern Africa (5 articles)
# [[Botswana]]
# [[Eswatini]]
# [[Lesotho]]
# [[Namibia]]
# '''[[South Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Central Africa (11 articles)
# [[Angola]]
# [[Burundi]]
# [[Cameroon]]
# [[Central African Republic]]
# [[Chad]]
# '''[[Democratic Republic of the Congo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Republic of the Congo]]
# [[Equatorial Guinea]]
# [[Gabon]]
# [[Rwanda]]
# [[São Tomé and Príncipe]]
{{Col-end}}

Asia (47 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[China]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Japan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mongolia]]
# [[North Korea]]
# '''[[South Korea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Southeast Asia (11 articles)
# [[Brunei]]
# [[Cambodia]]
# [[East Timor]]
# '''[[Indonesia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Laos]]
# [[Malaysia]]
# '''[[Myanmar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Philippines]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Singapore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Thailand]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vietnam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

West Asia (18 articles)
# [[Armenia]]
# [[Azerbaijan]]
# [[Bahrain]]
# [[Cyprus]]
# [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]]
# '''[[Iran]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Iraq]]
# '''[[Israel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jordan]]
# [[Kuwait]]
# [[Lebanon]]
# [[Oman]]
# [[Qatar]]
# '''[[Saudi Arabia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Syria]]
# '''[[Turkey]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[United Arab Emirates]]
# [[Yemen]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (8 articles)
# [[Afghanistan]]
# '''[[Bangladesh]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bhutan]]
# '''[[India]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maldives]]
# [[Nepal]]
# '''[[Pakistan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sri Lanka]]

Central Asia (5 articles)
# [[Kazakhstan]]
# [[Kyrgyzstan]]
# [[Tajikistan]]
# [[Turkmenistan]]
# [[Uzbekistan]]
{{Col-end}}

Europe (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central and Eastern Europe (18 articles)
# '''[[Russia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Poland]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Albania]]
# [[Belarus]]
# [[Bosnia and Herzegovina]]
# [[Bulgaria]]
# [[Czech Republic]]
# [[Croatia]]
# [[Hungary]]
# [[Moldova]]
# [[Montenegro]]
# [[North Macedonia]]
# [[Romania]]
# [[Serbia]]
# [[Slovakia]]
# [[Slovenia]]
# [[Ukraine]]
# [[Kosovo]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (12 articles)
# '''[[United Kingdom]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[France]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Germany]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Austria]]
# [[Switzerland]]
# [[Republic of Ireland|Ireland]]
# [[Netherlands]]
# [[Belgium]]
# [[Luxembourg]]
# [[Liechtenstein]]
# [[Monaco]]
# [[Andorra]]
{{Col-break}}

Northern Europe (8 articles)
# [[Norway]]
# [[Sweden]]
# [[Finland]]
# [[Denmark]]
# [[Iceland]]
# [[Estonia]]
# [[Latvia]]
# [[Lithuania]]

Southern Europe (7 articles)
# '''[[Italy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Spain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Portugal]]
# [[Greece]]
# [[Malta]]
# [[San Marino]]
# [[Vatican City]]
{{Col-end}}

Oceania (14 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Australia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[New Zealand]]
# [[Papua New Guinea]]
# [[Solomon Islands]]
# [[Samoa]]
# [[Fiji]]
# [[Kiribati]]
# [[Federated States of Micronesia]]
# [[Marshall Islands]]
# [[Nauru]]
# [[Palau]]
# [[Tonga]]
# [[Tuvalu]]
# [[Vanuatu]]
{{Div col end}}

Unrecognized or largely unrecognized states, and disputed regions (11 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Abkhazia]]
# [[Cook Islands]]
# [[Nagorno-Karabakh]]
# [[Niue]]
# [[Northern Cyprus]]
# [[State of Palestine|Palestine]]
# [[Somaliland]]
# [[South Ossetia]]
# '''[[Taiwan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Transnistria]]
# [[Western Sahara]]
{{Div col end}}

State-like entities (1 article)
# [[Holy See]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Regions and country subdivisions&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Regions and country subdivisions (111 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
&lt;!-- see also Islands --&gt;
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Oceania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Middle East]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Arctic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tropics]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Central Africa]]
# [[East Africa]]
# [[North Africa]]
# [[Puntland]]
# [[Southern Africa]]
# [[Sub-Saharan Africa]]
# [[West Africa]]

Americas (23 articles)
# [[Caribbean]]
# [[Central America]]
# [[French Guiana]]
# [[Latin America]]
# [[Minas Gerais]]
# [[Patagonia]]
# [[Southern Cone]]

Canada (4 articles)
# [[Alberta]]
# [[British Columbia]]
# [[Ontario]]
# [[Quebec]]

United States (12 articles)
# [[Southern United States]]
## [[Texas]]
## [[Florida]]
# [[Western United States]]
## [[California]]
### [[Silicon Valley]]
## [[Alaska]]
## [[Hawaii]]
# [[Midwestern United States]]
## [[Illinois]]
# [[New England]]
# [[New York (state)|New York]]

Oceania (4 articles)
# [[Melanesia]]
# [[Micronesia]]
# [[New South Wales]]
# [[Polynesia]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (42 articles)
# [[Caucasus]]
# [[Central Asia]]
# [[East Asia]]
# [[Greater Khorasan]]
# [[Kashmir]]
# [[Korea]]
# [[Penang]]
# [[Punjab]]
# [[South Asia]]
# [[Southeast Asia]]

China (15 articles)
# [[Fujian]]
# [[Guangdong]]
# [[Guangxi]]
# [[Hebei]]
# [[Henan]]
# [[Hubei]]
# [[Hunan]]
# [[Inner Mongolia]]
# [[Jiangsu]]
# [[Manchuria]]
# [[Shandong]]
# [[Sichuan]]
# [[Tibet]]
# [[Xinjiang]]
# [[Yunnan]]

India (9 articles)
# [[Andhra Pradesh]]
# [[Bihar]]
# [[Gujarat]]
# [[Maharashtra]]
# [[Northeast India]]
# [[Rajasthan]]
# [[Tamil Nadu]]
# [[Uttar Pradesh]]
# [[West Bengal]]

Indonesia (2 articles)
# [[Aceh]]
# [[Papua (province)|Papua]]

Middle East (4 articles)
# [[Eastern Arabia]]
# [[Hejaz]]
# [[Kurdistan]]
# [[Levant]]

Pakistan (2 articles)
# [[Balochistan, Pakistan|Balochistan]]
# [[Sindh]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (31 articles)

General (1 article)
# [[Western Europe]]

Belgium (2 articles)
# [[Flanders]]
# [[Wallonia]]

Eastern Europe (2 articles)
# [[Eastern Europe]]
# [[Vojvodina]]

France (2 articles)
# [[Brittany]]
# [[Provence]]

Germany (1 article)
# [[Bavaria]]

Italy (1 article)
# [[Tuscany]]

Northern Europe (1 article)
# [[Scandinavia]]

Romania (3 articles)
# [[Moldavia]]
# [[Transylvania]]
# [[Wallachia]]

Russia (7 articles)
# [[Bashkortostan]]
# [[Chechnya]]
# [[Dagestan]]
# [[Kaliningrad Oblast]]
# [[Sakha]]
# [[Siberia]]
# [[Tatarstan]]

Spain (4 articles)
# [[Andalusia]]
# [[Basque Country (autonomous community)|Basque Country]]
# [[Catalonia]]
# [[Galicia (Spain)|Galicia]]

United Kingdom (7 articles)
# [[England]]
## [[Cornwall]]
# [[Scotland]]
## [[Scottish Highlands]]
# [[Wales]]
# [[Northern Ireland]]
# [[Gibraltar]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Cities&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cities (454 articles)==

Urban studies and planning (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Capital city]]
# [[City block]]
# [[Downtown]]
# [[Ghetto]]
# [[Industrial park]]
# [[Neighbourhood]]
# [[Rural area]]
# [[Slum]]
# [[Suburb]]
# [[Town]]
# [[Town square]]
# [[Village]]
# [[Urban planning]]
# [[Urban design]]
# [[Urbanization]]
# [[Zoning]]
{{Div col end}}

Africa (69 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Africa (16 articles)
# [[Antananarivo]]
# [[Asmara]]
# [[Dar es Salaam]]
# [[Harare]]
# [[Kampala]]
# [[Kigali]]
# [[Lilongwe]]
# [[Lusaka]]
# [[Mogadishu]]

Ethiopia (3 articles)
# [[Addis Ababa]]
# [[Dire Dawa]]
# [[Gondar]]

Kenya (2 articles)
# [[Nairobi]]
# [[Mombasa]]

Mozambique (2 articles)
# [[Maputo]]
# [[Beira, Mozambique|Beira]]

Central Africa (8 articles)
# [[Brazzaville]]
# [[Luanda]]
# [[N'Djamena]]

Cameroon (2 articles)
# [[Douala]]
# [[Yaoundé]]

Democratic Republic of the Congo (3 articles)
# [[Kinshasa]]
# [[Lubumbashi]]
# [[Mbuji-Mayi]]
{{Col-break}}

West Africa (20 articles)
# [[Abidjan]]
# [[Dakar]]
# [[Bamako]]
# [[Ouagadougou]]
# [[Conakry]]
# [[Freetown]]
# [[Cotonou]]
# [[Monrovia]]
# [[Niamey]]

Ghana (2 articles)
# [[Accra]]
# [[Kumasi]]

Nigeria (9 articles)
# '''[[Lagos]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Enugu]]
# [[Kano]]
# [[Ibadan]]
# [[Abuja]]
# [[Kaduna]]
# [[Benin City]]
# [[Port Harcourt]]
# [[Maiduguri]]

Southern Africa (7 articles)
# [[Gaborone]]
# [[Windhoek]]

South Africa (5 articles)
# [[Johannesburg]]
# [[Cape Town]]
# [[Durban]]
# [[Pretoria]]
# [[Port Elizabeth]]
{{Col-break}}

North Africa (18 articles)
# [[Tunis]]

Algeria (3 articles)
# [[Algiers]]
# [[Oran]]
# [[Constantine, Algeria|Constantine]]

Egypt (6 articles)
# '''[[Cairo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexandria]]
# [[Giza]]
# [[Damietta]]
# [[Luxor]]
# [[Aswan]]

Libya (2 articles)
# [[Tripoli]]
# [[Benghazi]]

Morocco (4 articles)
# [[Casablanca]]
# [[Rabat]]
# [[Fez, Morocco|Fez]]
# [[Marrakesh]]

Sudan (2 articles)
# [[Khartoum]]
# [[Omdurman]]
{{Col-end}}

Americas (88 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
North America (43 articles)

Canada (5 articles)
# [[Toronto]]
# [[Montreal]]
# [[Vancouver]]
# [[Ottawa]]
# [[Calgary]]

Mexico (10 articles)
# '''[[Mexico City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tijuana]]
# [[Puebla (city)|Puebla]]
# [[Guadalajara]]
# [[Ciudad Juárez]]
# [[León, Guanajuato|León]]
# [[Monterrey]]
# [[Mérida, Yucatán|Mérida]]
# [[Acapulco]]
# [[Veracruz (city)|Veracruz]]

United States (28 articles)
# [[Atlanta]]
# [[Baltimore]]
# [[Boston]]
# [[Charlotte, North Carolina]]
# [[Chicago]]
# [[Cleveland]]
# [[Dallas]]
# [[Denver]]
# [[Detroit]]
# [[Houston]]
# [[Las Vegas]]
# [[Los Angeles]]
# [[Miami]]
# [[Minneapolis]]
# [[Nashville, Tennessee]]
# [[New Orleans]]
# '''[[New York City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philadelphia]]
# [[Phoenix, Arizona]]
# [[Pittsburgh]]
# [[Sacramento, California]]
# [[San Antonio]]
# [[San Diego]]
# [[San Francisco]]
# [[San Jose, California]]
# [[Seattle]]
# [[St. Louis]]
# [[Washington, D.C.]]
{{Col-break}}

South America (34 articles)
# [[Asunción]]
# [[Montevideo]]

Argentina (3 articles)
# [[Buenos Aires]]
# [[Córdoba, Argentina|Córdoba]]
# [[Rosario, Santa Fe|Rosario]]

Bolivia (2 articles)
# [[La Paz]]
# [[Santa Cruz de la Sierra]]

Brazil (12 articles)
# [[Belém]]
# [[Belo Horizonte]]
# [[Brasília]]
# [[Curitiba]]
# [[Fortaleza]]
# [[Manaus]]
# [[Porto Alegre]]
# [[Recife]]
# [[Rio de Janeiro]]
# [[Salvador, Bahia|Salvador]]
# [[São Luís, Maranhão|São Luís]]
# '''[[São Paulo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Chile (2 articles)
# [[Santiago]]
# [[Valparaíso]]

Colombia (5 articles)
# [[Bogotá]]
# [[Medellín]]
# [[Cali]]
# [[Barranquilla]]
# [[Cartagena, Colombia|Cartagena]]

Ecuador (2 articles)
# [[Guayaquil]]
# [[Quito]]

Peru (3 articles)
# [[Lima]]
# [[Arequipa]]
# [[Cusco]]

Venezuela (3 articles)
# [[Caracas]]
# [[Maracaibo]]
# [[Valencia, Carabobo]]
{{Col-break}}

Central America and Caribbean (11 articles)
# [[Santo Domingo]]
# [[Havana]]
# [[Guatemala City]]
# [[San Juan, Puerto Rico|San Juan]]
# [[San Salvador]]
# [[Managua]]
# [[Port-au-Prince]]
# [[San José, Costa Rica|San José]]
# [[Panama City]]
# [[Tegucigalpa]]
# [[Kingston, Jamaica]]
{{Col-end}}

Asia (178 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central Asia (4 articles)

Kazakhstan (2 articles)
# [[Almaty]]
# [[Nur-Sultan]]

Uzbekistan (2 articles)
# [[Tashkent]]
# [[Samarkand]]

East Asia (56 articles)

China (35 articles)
# '''[[Beijing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Changchun]]
# [[Changsha]]
# [[Chengdu]]
# [[Chongqing]]
# [[Dalian]]
# [[Fuzhou]]
# [[Guangzhou]]
# [[Hangzhou]]
# [[Harbin]]
# [[Hefei]]
# '''[[Hong Kong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jinan]]
# [[Kunming]]
# [[Lanzhou]]
# [[Lhasa]]
# [[Luoyang]]
# [[Macau]]
# [[Nanchang]]
# [[Nanjing]]
# [[Nanning]]
# [[Qingdao]]
# [[Shanghai]]
# [[Shantou]]
# [[Shenyang]]
# [[Shenzhen]]
# [[Shijiazhuang]]
# [[Suzhou]]
# [[Taiyuan]]
# [[Tianjin]]
# [[Ürümqi]]
# [[Wuhan]]
# [[Xi'an]]
# [[Xiamen]]
# [[Zhengzhou]]

Japan (10 articles)
# '''[[Tokyo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Osaka]]
# [[Nagoya]]
# [[Yokohama]]
# [[Sapporo]]
# [[Kobe]]
# [[Kyoto]]
# [[Fukuoka]]
# [[Hiroshima]]
# [[Sendai]]

North Korea (1 article)
# [[Pyongyang]]

South Korea (6 articles)
# [[Seoul]]
# [[Busan]]
# [[Incheon]]
# [[Daegu]]
# [[Daejeon]]
# [[Gwangju]]

Mongolia (1 article)
# [[Ulaanbaatar]]

Taiwan (3 articles)
# [[Kaohsiung]]
# [[Taichung]]
# [[Taipei]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (48 articles)
# [[Colombo]]
# [[Kathmandu]]

Bangladesh (3 articles)
# [[Dhaka]]
# [[Chittagong]]
# [[Sylhet]]

India (34 articles)
# [[Agra]]
# [[Ahmedabad]]
# [[Allahabad]]
# [[Amritsar]]
# [[Bangalore]]
# [[Bhopal]]
# [[Bhubaneswar]]
# [[Chandigarh]]
# [[Chennai]] &lt;!--(Madras)--&gt;
# [[Coimbatore]]
# '''[[Delhi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guwahati]]
# [[Hyderabad]]
# [[Indore]]
# [[Jaipur]]
# [[Jodhpur]]
# [[Kanpur]]
# [[Kolkata]] &lt;!--(Calcutta)--&gt;
# [[Lucknow]]
# [[Ludhiana]]
# [[Madurai]]
# '''[[Mumbai]]'''&lt;!--Bombay--&gt;
# {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Mysore]]
# [[Nagpur]]
# [[Patna]]
# [[Pune]]
# [[Raipur]]
# [[Ranchi]]
# [[Srinagar]]
# [[Surat]]
# [[Thiruvananthapuram]]
# [[Vadodara]]
# [[Varanasi]]
# [[Visakhapatnam]]

Pakistan (9 articles)
# [[Karachi]]
# [[Lahore]]
# [[Faisalabad]]
# [[Rawalpindi]]
# [[Multan]]
# [[Hyderabad, Sindh]]
# [[Gujranwala]]
# [[Peshawar]]
# [[Islamabad]]

Southeast Asia (26 articles)
# [[Phnom Penh]]
# [[Vientiane]]
&lt;!-- see also in other section: 1. Singapore //--&gt;

Myanmar (2 articles)
# [[Yangon]]
# [[Mandalay]]

Indonesia (10 articles)
# '''[[Jakarta]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bandung]]
# [[Surabaya]]
# [[Medan]]
# [[Palembang]]
# [[Makassar]]
# [[Semarang]]
# [[Malang]]
# [[Padang]]
# [[Yogyakarta]]
{{Col-break}}


Malaysia (2 articles)
# [[Kuala Lumpur]]
# [[Johor Bahru]]

Philippines (4 articles)
# [[Manila]]
# [[Quezon City]]
# [[Cebu City]]
# [[Davao City]]

Thailand (2 articles)
# [[Bangkok]]
# [[Chiang Mai]]

Vietnam (4 articles)
# [[Ho Chi Minh City]]
# [[Haiphong]]
# [[Hanoi]]
# [[Da Nang]]

West Asia (44 articles)
# [[Amman]]
# [[Baku]]
# [[Beirut]]
# [[Doha]]
# [[Gaza City]]
# [[Kuwait City]]
# [[Muscat]]
# [[Tbilisi]]
# [[Yerevan]]

Afghanistan (3 articles)
# [[Kabul]]
# [[Kandahar]]
# [[Herat]]

Iraq (3 articles)
# [[Baghdad]]
# [[Basra]]
# [[Mosul]]

Iran (8 articles)
# [[Tehran]]
# [[Mashhad]]
# [[Isfahan]]
# [[Tabriz]]
# [[Shiraz]]
# [[Ahvaz]]
# [[Qom]]
# [[Kermanshah]]

Israel (2 articles)
# '''[[Jerusalem]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tel Aviv]]

Saudi Arabia (4 articles)
# '''[[Mecca]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Medina]]
# [[Riyadh]]
# [[Jeddah]]

Syria (2 articles)
# [[Damascus]]
# [[Aleppo]]

Turkey (9 articles)
# '''[[Istanbul]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ankara]]
# [[İzmir]]
# [[Bursa]]
# [[Adana]]
# [[Gaziantep]]
# [[Konya]]
# [[Antalya]]
# [[Eskişehir]]

United Arab Emirates (2 articles)
# [[Abu Dhabi]]
# [[Dubai]]

Yemen (2 articles)
# [[Sanaa]]
# [[Aden]]
{{Col-end}}

Europe (93 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central and Eastern Europe (36 articles)

Russia (14 articles)
# '''[[Moscow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Saint Petersburg]]
# [[Novosibirsk]]
# [[Nizhny Novgorod]]
# [[Yekaterinburg]]
# [[Samara]]
# [[Omsk]]
# [[Kazan]]
# [[Chelyabinsk]]
# [[Rostov-on-Don]]
# [[Ufa]]
# [[Volgograd]]
# [[Perm]]
# [[Vladivostok]]

Poland (6 articles)
# [[Warsaw]]
# [[Gdańsk]]
# [[Kraków]]
# [[Łódź]]
# [[Poznań]]
# [[Wrocław]]

Ukraine (6 articles)
# [[Kyiv]]
# [[Kharkiv]]
# [[Donetsk]]
# [[Dnipro]]
# [[Odessa]]
# [[Lviv]]

Other Central and Eastern Europe (10 articles)
# [[Athens]]
# [[Belgrade]]
# [[Bratislava]]
# [[Bucharest]]
# [[Budapest]]
# [[Minsk]]
# [[Prague]]
# [[Sarajevo]]
# [[Sofia]]
# [[Zagreb]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (35 articles)
&lt;!-- Vatican City is listed under Countries --&gt;

UK and Ireland (10 articles)
# '''[[London]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dublin]]
# [[Belfast]]
# [[Birmingham]]
# [[Glasgow]]
# [[Edinburgh]]
# [[Liverpool]]
# [[Manchester]]
# [[Leeds]]
# [[Cardiff]]

France (8 articles)
# '''[[Paris]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Marseille]]
# [[Nantes]]
# [[Lyon]]
# [[Toulouse]]
# [[Nice]]
# [[Bordeaux]]
# [[Strasbourg]]

Germany (9 articles)
# [[Berlin]]
# [[Hamburg]]
# [[Munich]]
# [[Cologne]]
# [[Frankfurt]]
# [[Stuttgart]]
# [[Düsseldorf]]
# [[Nuremberg]]
# [[Dresden]]

Netherlands (3 articles)
# [[Amsterdam]]
# [[The Hague]]
# [[Rotterdam]]

Belgium (2 articles)
# [[Antwerp]]
# [[Brussels]]

Switzerland (2 articles)
# [[Geneva]]
# [[Zürich]]

Austria (1 article)
# [[Vienna]]
{{Col-break}}

Northern Europe (7 articles)

Nordic countries (4 articles)
# [[Copenhagen]]
# [[Helsinki]]
# [[Oslo]]
# [[Stockholm]]
Baltic states (3 articles)
# [[Riga]]
# [[Tallinn]]
# [[Vilnius]]

Southern Europe (15 articles)

Italy (9 articles)
# '''[[Rome]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Milan]]
# [[Naples]]
# [[Turin]]
# [[Palermo]]
# [[Genoa]]
# [[Florence]]&lt;!--Italy/Renaissance--&gt;
# [[Syracuse, Sicily]]&lt;!--Italy/widely known for being a vital city during the Hellenistic period--&gt;
# [[Venice]]&lt;!--Italy/canals--&gt;

Spain (5 articles)
# [[Madrid]]
# [[Barcelona]]
# [[Valencia]]
# [[Seville]]
# [[Zaragoza]]

Portugal (1 article)
# [[Lisbon]]
{{Col-end}}

Oceania (9 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Australia (6 articles)
# [[Adelaide]]
# [[Brisbane]]
# [[Canberra]]
# [[Melbourne]]
# [[Perth]]
# [[Sydney]]
{{Col-break}}

New Zealand (2 articles)
# [[Auckland]]
# [[Wellington]]

United States (1 article)
# [[Honolulu]]
{{Col-end}}
=Arts (672 articles)=

==General (3 articles)==
# '''[[The arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[Art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Artist]]

=={{anchor|Architecture}}Architecture (58 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Technology &gt; Construction section&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!--For styles, see under &quot;Visual arts&quot;. For structures, see under &quot;structural engineering&quot;--&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (6 articles)
# '''[[Architecture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Sacral architecture]]
# [[Architectural drawing]]
# [[Architectural theory]]
# [[Proportion (architecture)|Proportion]]
# [[Landscape architecture]]

Styles (16 articles)
# [[Ancient Egyptian architecture]]
# [[Ancient Greek architecture]]
# [[Ancient Roman architecture]]
# [[Baroque architecture]]
# [[Byzantine architecture]]
# [[Chinese architecture]]
# [[Gothic architecture]]
# [[Architecture of India]]
# [[Islamic architecture]]
# [[Megalith]]
# [[Mesoamerican architecture]]
# [[Architecture of Mesopotamia]]
# [[Modern architecture]]
# [[Neoclassical architecture]]
# [[Renaissance architecture]]
# [[Romanesque architecture]]

Specific structures (36 articles)
# [[Acropolis of Athens]]
# [[Alhambra]]
# [[Angkor Wat]]
# [[Borobudur]]
# [[Burj Khalifa]]
# [[Chartres Cathedral]]
# [[Colosseum]]
# [[Eiffel Tower]]
# [[Empire State Building]]
# [[Fallingwater]]
# [[Florence Cathedral]]
# [[Forbidden City]]
# [[Great Sphinx of Giza]]
# '''[[Great Wall of China]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guggenheim Museum Bilbao]]
# [[Hagia Sophia]]
# [[Kaaba]]
# [[Kinkaku-ji]]
# [[Leaning Tower of Pisa]]
# [[Machu Picchu]]
# [[Moscow Kremlin]]
# [[Notre-Dame de Paris]]
# [[Palace of Versailles]]
# [[Palace of Westminster]]
# [[Pantheon, Rome]]
# [[Parthenon]]
# [[Sagrada Família]]
# [[St. Peter's Basilica]]
# [[Statue of Liberty]]
# [[Stonehenge]]
# [[Sydney Opera House]]
# [[Taj Mahal]]
# [[Temple Mount]]
# [[Ziggurat of Ur]]
# [[Seven Wonders of the Ancient World]]
## '''[[Great Pyramid of Giza]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Cultural venues}}Cultural venues (22 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Museum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Movie theater]]
# [[Opera house]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[American Museum of Natural History]]
# [[Metropolitan Museum of Art]]
# [[Museum of Modern Art]]
# [[National Gallery of Art]]
# [[Smithsonian Institution]]

Asia (2 articles)
# [[National Museum of China]]
# [[National Palace Museum]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (12 articles)
# [[British Museum]]
# [[Hermitage Museum]]
# [[Louvre]]
# [[Musée d'Orsay]]
# [[Musée National d'Art Moderne]]
# [[Museo del Prado]]
# [[National Gallery]]
# [[Natural History Museum, London]]
# [[Rijksmuseum]]
# [[Tate Modern]]
# [[Uffizi]]
# [[Vatican Museums]]
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Literature}}Literature (218 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (37 articles)
# '''[[Literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Character (arts)|Character]]
# [[Literary criticism]]
# [[Narrative]]
# [[Prose]]
## [[Saga]]
# '''[[Fiction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Children's literature]]
## [[Detective fiction]]
## [[Fable]]
## '''[[Fairy tale]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fantasy]]
## [[Fictional universe]]
## [[Horror fiction]]
## [[Legend]]
## '''[[Novel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Romance novel]]
## [[Satire]]
### [[Black comedy]]
## [[Science fiction]]
### [[Time travel]]
## '''[[Short story]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nonfiction]]
## [[Biography]]
## [[Dictionary]]
## [[Encyclopedia]]
## [[Essay]]
## [[Thesaurus]]
# '''[[Poetry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Epic poetry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ghazal]]
## [[Haiku]]
## [[Ode]]
## [[Prose poetry]]
## [[Rhyme]]
## [[Sonnet]]
# [[Writer]]

Literatures by language and area (18 articles)
# [[African literature]]
# [[Ancient Egyptian literature]]
# [[Ancient Greek literature]]
# [[Arabic literature]]
# [[Chinese literature]]
# '''[[English literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[French literature]]
# [[German literature]]
# [[Indian literature]]
# [[Italian literature]]
# [[Japanese literature]]
# [[Jewish literature]]
# [[Latin American literature]]
# [[Latin literature]]
# [[Persian literature]]
# [[Russian literature]]
# [[Scandinavian literature]]
# [[Spanish literature]]
{{Col-break}}

Specific works (163 articles)

Fiction (90 articles)

Fiction of antiquity (16 articles)
# ''[[Aesop's Fables]]''
# ''[[The Bacchae]]''
# ''[[The Golden Ass]]''
# ''[[Investiture of the Gods]]''
# ''[[Journey to the West]]''
# ''[[Kadambari]]''
# ''[[Kathasaritsagara]]''
# ''[[Lysistrata]]''
# [[Medea (play)|''Medea'']]
# ''[[Oresteia]]''
# ''[[Oedipus Rex]]''
# ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]''
# ''[[Panchatantra]]''
# ''[[Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]''
# ''[[The Tale of Genji]]''
# ''[[Water Margin]]''

Fiction of early printed book era (16 articles)
# ''[[Candide]]''
# ''[[Don Quixote]]''
# ''[[Dream of the Red Chamber]]''
# ''[[Goethe's Faust]]''
# ''[[Gulliver's Travels]]''
# ''[[Hamlet]]''
# ''[[King Lear]]''
# ''[[Macbeth]]''
# ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]]''
# ''[[Othello]]''
# ''[[La Princesse de Clèves]]''
# ''[[Robinson Crusoe]]''
# ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]''
# ''[[Tartuffe]]''
# ''[[The Tempest]]''
# [[Utopia (book)|''Utopia'']]

Fiction of modern era (55 articles)
# ''[[Adventures of Huckleberry Finn]]''
# ''[[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]]''
# ''[[Anna Karenina]]''
# ''[[Brave New World]]''
# ''[[The Brothers Karamazov]]''
# ''[[The Call of the Wild]]''
# ''[[The Catcher in the Rye]]''
# ''[[A Christmas Carol]]''
# ''[[The Chronicles of Narnia]]''
# ''[[The Color Purple]]''
# ''[[Crime and Punishment]]''
# ''[[The Crucible]]''
# ''[[A Doll's House]]''
# ''[[Dracula]]''
# ''[[Eugene Onegin]]''
# ''[[Frankenstein]]''
# ''[[The Grapes of Wrath]]''
# ''[[Gravity's Rainbow]]''
# ''[[The Great Gatsby]]''
# ''[[Grimms' Fairy Tales]]''
# ''[[Harry Potter]]''
# ''[[Heart of Darkness]]''
# ''[[The Hunchback of Notre-Dame]]''
# ''[[The Importance of Being Earnest]]''
# ''[[In Search of Lost Time]]''
# ''[[Jane Eyre]]''
# ''[[Les Misérables]]''
# ''[[The Little Prince]]''
# ''[[Little Women]]''
# ''[[Lolita]]''
# ''[[The Lord of the Rings]]''
# ''[[Madame Bovary]]''
# ''[[The Metamorphosis]]''
# ''[[Middlemarch]]''
# ''[[Midnight's Children]]''
# ''[[Moby-Dick]]''
# ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''
# ''[[On the Road]]''
# ''[[One Hundred Years of Solitude]]''
# ''[[Pride and Prejudice]]''
# ''[[The Scarlet Letter]]''
# ''[[Snow Country]]''
# ''[[The Sound and the Fury]]''
# ''[[The Sun Also Rises]]''
# ''[[Things Fall Apart]]''
# ''[[The Three Musketeers]]''
# ''[[To Kill a Mockingbird]]''
# ''[[To the Lighthouse]]''
# [[Ulysses (novel)|''Ulysses'']]
# ''[[Uncle Tom's Cabin]]''
# ''[[Waiting for Godot]]''
# ''[[War and Peace]]''
# ''[[The War of the Worlds]]''
# ''[[The Wind in the Willows]]''
# ''[[Wuthering Heights]]''

Comics (3 articles)
# ''[[The Adventures of Tintin]]''
# [[Asterix]]
# ''[[Peanuts]]''
{{Col-break}}

Nonfiction (48 articles)

Nonfiction of antiquity (23 articles)
# [[Anabasis (Xenophon)|''Anabasis'' (Xenophon)]]
# ''[[Analects]]''
# [[Apology (Plato)|''Apology'' (Plato)]]
# ''[[The Art of War]]''
# ''[[The Book of Healing]]''
# ''[[The Consolation of Philosophy]]''
# [[Dead Sea Scrolls]]
# [[Euclid's Elements|Euclid's ''Elements'']]
# [[Hippocratic Corpus]]
# [[Histories (Herodotus)|''Histories'' (Herodotus)]]
# ''[[History of the Peloponnesian War]]''
# ''[[I Ching]]''
# ''[[The Incoherence of the Philosophers]]''
# [[Metaphysics (Aristotle)|''Metaphysics'' (Aristotle)]]
# [[Muqaddimah]]
# ''[[Nicomachean Ethics]]''
# ''[[Organon]]''
# ''[[Poetic Edda]]''
# [[Popol Vuh]]
# [[Republic (Plato)|''Republic'' (Plato)]]
# [[Septuagint]]
# ''[[Summa Theologica]]''
# [[Vulgate]]

Nonfiction of early printed book era (11 articles)
# ''[[Critique of Pure Reason]]''
# ''[[De revolutionibus orbium coelestium]]''
# ''[[A Dictionary of the English Language]]''
# ''[[Discourse on the Method]]''
# ''[[Encyclopædia Britannica]]''
# [[Gutenberg Bible]]
# ''[[The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]''
# [[King James Version]]
# [[Leviathan (Hobbes book)|''Leviathan'']]
# ''[[Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica]]''
# ''[[The Prince]]''

Nonfiction of modern era (14 articles)
# ''[[The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care]]''
# ''[[The Communist Manifesto]]''
# ''[[Das Kapital]]''
# ''[[The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex]]''
# ''[[The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money]]''
# ''[[The Golden Bough]]''
# [[Night (book)|''Night'']]
# ''[[On the Origin of Species]]''
# ''[[Oxford English Dictionary]]''
# ''[[Principia Mathematica]]''
# ''[[Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-tung]]'' &lt;!--over a billion copies printed--&gt;
# ''[[Silent Spring]]''
# ''[[The Structure of Scientific Revolutions]]''
# ''[[The Wealth of Nations]]''

Poetic works (25 articles)

Poetic works of antiquity (14 articles)
# ''[[Aeneid]]''
# ''[[Beowulf]]''
# ''[[The Canterbury Tales]]''
# ''[[Divine Comedy]]''
# [[Diwan-e Shams-e Tabrizi]]
# ''[[Epic of Gilgamesh]]''
# ''[[Iliad]]''
# ''[[Mahabharata]]''
# ''[[Masnavi]]''
# ''[[Metamorphoses]]''
# ''[[Nibelungenlied]]''
# ''[[Odyssey]]''
# ''[[Shahnameh]]''
# ''[[The Song of Roland]]''

Poetic works of early printed book era (5 articles)
# [[Shakespeare's sonnets]]
# ''[[Paradise Lost]]''
# ''[[Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam]]''
# ''[[Oku no Hosomichi]]''
# ''[[Songs of Innocence and of Experience]]''

Poetic works of modern era (6 articles)
# ''[[Duino Elegies]]''
# ''[[Leaves of Grass]]''
# [[The Raven]]
# ''[[The Rime of the Ancient Mariner]]''
# ''[[A Season in Hell]]'' &lt;!--Une Saison en Enfer--&gt;
# ''[[The Waste Land]]''
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Music}}Music (137 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (15 articles)
# '''[[Music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Choir]]
# [[Concert]]
# [[Counterpoint]]
# [[Harmony]]
## [[Chord (music)|Chord]]
# [[Melody]]
# [[Music theory]]
# [[Music video]]
# [[Musical notation]]
# '''[[Orchestra]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rhythm]]
# [[Scale (music)]]
# '''[[Singing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Song]]

Music genres and forms (47 articles)
General (6 articles)
# [[Ballad]]
# [[Christmas carol]]
# [[Hymn]]
# [[Lullaby]]
# [[National anthem]]
# [[Protest song]]

Western classical music (15 articles)
# '''[[Classical music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fugue]]
## [[Aria]]
## [[Concerto]]
## '''[[Opera]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sonata]]
## [[Symphony]]
# [[Medieval music]]
## [[Gregorian chant]]
# [[Renaissance music]]
# [[Baroque music]]
# [[Classical period (music)|Classical period]]
# [[Romantic music]]
# [[20th-century classical music]]
# [[Contemporary classical music]]

Non-Western music (5 articles)

# [[Arabic music]]
# [[Gamelan]]
# [[Indian classical music]]
# [[Music of China]]
# [[Sub-Saharan African music traditions]]

Popular music (21 articles)
# [[Blues]]
# [[Country music]]
# [[Disco]]
# [[Electronic music]]
# '''[[Folk music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Funk]]
# [[Hip hop music]]
## [[Rapping]]
# '''[[Jazz]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Bossa nova]]
## [[Ragtime]]
# '''[[Pop music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Reggae]]
# [[Rhythm and blues]]
## [[Soul music]]
# '''[[Rock music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heavy metal music]]
## [[Punk rock]]
## [[Rock and roll]]
# [[Salsa music]]
# [[Samba]]

Musical instruments (42 articles)
# '''[[Musical instrument]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Electronic musical instrument]]
## [[Bass guitar]]
## [[Electric guitar]]
## [[Synthesizer]]
# [[Percussion instrument]]
## [[Bell]]
## [[Cymbal]]
## [[Djembe]]
## [[Drum]]
## [[Piano]]
## [[Xylophone]]
# [[String instrument]]
## [[Cello]]
## [[Double bass]]
## [[Guitar]]
## [[Harp]]
## [[Harpsichord]]
## [[Lute]]
## [[Lyre]]
## [[Mandolin]]
## [[Viola]]
## [[Violin]]
# [[Wind instrument]]
## [[Accordion]]
## [[Bagpipes]]
## [[Brass instrument]]
### [[Horn (instrument)|Horn]]
### [[Trombone]]
### [[Trumpet]]
### [[Tuba]]
## [[Harmonica]]
## [[Pipe organ]]
## [[Woodwind instrument]]
### [[Bassoon]]
### [[Clarinet]]
### [[Flute]]
#### [[Pan flute]]
#### [[Recorder (musical instrument)|Recorder]]
#### [[Western concert flute]]
### [[Oboe]]
### [[Saxophone]]

Specific musical works (33 articles)

Baroque (5 articles)
# ''[[Brandenburg Concertos]]''
# [[The Four Seasons (Vivaldi)|''The Four Seasons'' (Vivaldi)]]
# [[Mass in B minor]]
# [[Messiah (Handel)|''Messiah'' (Handel)]]
# ''[[The Well-Tempered Clavier]]''

Classical (7 articles)
# [[La mer (Debussy)|''La mer'' (Debussy)]]
# [[Nocturnes (Chopin)]]
# [[Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)]] &lt;!--Moonlight--&gt;
# [[Symphony No. 5 (Beethoven)]]
# [[Symphony No. 8 (Mahler)]]
# [[Symphony No. 9 (Beethoven)]]
# [[Symphony No. 41 (Mozart)]]

Opera (7 articles)
# ''[[Carmen]]''
# ''[[Don Giovanni]]''
# ''[[Madama Butterfly]]''
# ''[[The Magic Flute]]''
# ''[[Der Ring des Nibelungen]]''
# ''[[La traviata]]''
# ''[[Tristan und Isolde]]''

Ballet (3 articles)
# ''[[The Nutcracker]]''
# ''[[The Rite of Spring]]''
# ''[[Swan Lake]]''

Musicals (2 articles)
# [[The Phantom of the Opera (1986 musical)|''The Phantom of the Opera'']]
# ''[[West Side Story]]''

Modern (9 articles)
# ''[[The Dark Side of the Moon]]''
# [[Heartbreak Hotel]]
# [[Johnny B. Goode]]
# ''[[Kind of Blue]]''
# [[Like a Rolling Stone]]
# [[Respect (song)]]
# ''[[Rhapsody in Blue]]''
# ''[[Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band]]''
# [[Thriller (album)|''Thriller'' (Michael Jackson album)]]
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Performing arts}}Performing arts (44 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basic concepts (4 articles)
# '''[[Performing arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Audience]]
# [[Costume]]
# [[Stage (theatre)|Stage]]

Forms (40 articles)
# [[Acrobatics]]
# [[Circus]]
# [[Clown]]
# [[Magic (illusion)]]
# [[Mime artist]]
# [[Performance art]]
# [[Performance poetry]]
# [[Puppetry]]
{{Col-break}}

Dance (14 articles)
# '''[[Dance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Choreography]]
# [[Ballet]]
# [[Ballroom dance]]
## [[Bolero]]
## [[Tango]]
## [[Waltz]]
# [[Belly dance]]
# [[Bharatanatyam]]
# [[Flamenco]]
# [[Folk dance]]
# [[Hip-hop dance]]
# [[Jazz dance]]
# [[Modern dance]]
{{Col-break}}

Theatre (18 articles)
# '''[[Theatre]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Acting]]
## [[Stagecraft]]
# [[Comedy]]
## [[Commedia dell'arte]]
## [[Improvisational theatre]]
## [[Joke]]
## [[Parody]]
## [[Stand-up comedy]]
# [[Drama]]
## [[Tragedy]]
# [[Broadway theatre]]
# [[West End theatre]]
# [[Kabuki]]
# [[Musical theatre]]
# [[Noh]]
# [[Peking opera]]
# [[Theatre of ancient Greece]]
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Visual arts}}Visual arts (109 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;Photography is listed under Technology&lt;/small&gt;
{{Back to contents}}{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

History of art (50 articles)

Pre-modern art (16 articles)
# [[Academic art]]
# [[Ancient Greek art]]
# [[Baroque]]
# [[Classicism]]
# [[Dutch Golden Age painting]]
# [[Empire style]]
# [[Gothic art]]
# [[Hellenistic art]]
# [[Mannerism]]
# '''[[Prehistoric art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cave painting]]
## [[Rock art]]
# '''[[Realism (arts)|Realism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rococo]]
# [[Roman art]]
# [[Romanesque art]]

Modern art (20 articles)
# [[Modern art]]
# '''[[Abstract art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Abstract expressionism]]
# [[Art Deco]]
# [[Art Nouveau]]
# [[Arts and Crafts movement]]
# [[Avant-garde]]
# [[Cubism]]
# [[Dada]]
# [[Expressionism]]
# [[Futurism]]
# [[Impressionism]]
# '''[[Modernism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Neoclassicism]]
# [[Post-Impressionism]]
# [[Postmodernism]]
# [[Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood]]
# '''[[Romanticism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Surrealism]]
# [[Symbolism (arts)|Symbolism]]

Contemporary art (6 articles)
# [[Contemporary art]]
# [[Land art]]
# [[Minimalism]]
# [[Conceptual art]]
# [[Outsider art]]
# [[Pop art]]

Non-Western art traditions (8 articles)
# [[African art]]
# [[Chinese art]]
# [[Indian art]]
# [[Islamic art]]
# [[Japanese art]]
## [[Ukiyo-e]]
# [[Persian art]]
# [[Visual arts by indigenous peoples of the Americas]]

Concepts and forms (29 articles)
# '''[[Visual arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Calligraphy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ceramic art]]
# [[Collage]]
# '''[[Comics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Manga]]
# [[Decorative arts]]
# '''[[Drawing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Engraving]]
# [[Fashion]]
# [[Folk art]]
# [[Graffiti]]
# [[Handicraft]]
# [[Illustration]]
# [[Mosaic]]
# [[Mural]]
# [[Optical illusion]]
# [[Origami]]
# '''[[Painting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Landscape painting]]
## [[Oil painting]]
## [[Watercolor painting]]
# [[Perspective (graphical)]]
# [[Portrait]]
# [[Religious art]]
# '''[[Sculpture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Taxidermy]]
# [[Textile arts]]
# [[Wood carving]]

Specific works (30 articles)

Painting (19 articles)
# ''[[A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte]]''
# ''[[Along the River During the Qingming Festival]]''
# ''[[Arnolfini Portrait]]''
# ''[[The Art of Painting]]''
# [[The Birth of Venus|''The Birth of Venus'']]
# ''[[Campbell's Soup Cans]]''
# ''[[The Garden of Earthly Delights]]''
# [[Guernica (Picasso)|''Guernica'']]
# [[The Last Supper (Leonardo)|''The Last Supper'']]
# ''[[Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe]]''
# ''[[Les Demoiselles d'Avignon]]''
# ''[[Mona Lisa]]''
# ''[[The Night Watch]]''
# ''[[Nighthawks (painting)|Nighthawks]]''
# ''[[The Persistence of Memory]]''
# ''[[The Scream]]''
# [[Sistine Chapel]]
# ''[[The Starry Night]]''
# ''[[Water Lilies (Monet series)|Water Lilies]]''

Sculpture (8 articles)
# [[David (Michelangelo)|''David'']]
# [[Fountain (Duchamp)|''Fountain'']]
# [[Olmec colossal heads]]
# [[Pietà (Michelangelo)|''Pietà'']]
# [[Terracotta Army]]
# ''[[The Thinker]]''
# [[Venus de Milo]]
# [[Venus of Willendorf]]

Other media (3 articles)
# [[Bayeux Tapestry]]
# [[Book of Kells]]
# ''[[The Great Wave off Kanagawa]]''
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Modern visual arts}}Modern visual arts (60 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Design (6 articles)
# '''[[Design]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Graphic design]]
## [[Typography]]
# [[Interior design]]
# [[Industrial design]]
# [[Web design]]

Digital art (2 articles)
# [[Digital art]]
# [[Computer graphics]]

Filmmaking (52 articles)
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Film]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Animation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Anime]]
## [[Silent film]]
# [[Filmmaking]]
## [[Cinematography]]
## [[Special effect]]
## [[Studio system]]

Cinema by country (8 articles)
# [[Cinema of the United States]] &lt;!--Hollywood--&gt;
# [[Cinema of France]]
# [[Cinema of India]]
## [[Bollywood]]
# [[Cinema of Japan]]
# [[Cinema of China]]
# [[Cinema of the Soviet Union]]
# [[Cinema of Nigeria]]

Film festival and awards (3 articles)
# [[Film festival]]
## [[Cannes Film Festival]]
# [[Academy Awards]] &lt;!--Oscars--&gt;

Films (33 articles)

Animation (1 article)
# [[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|''Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'']]

Art film (1 article)
# [[Mirror (1975 film)|''Mirror'']]

Comedy (2 articles)
# ''[[City Lights]]''
# ''[[Dr. Strangelove]]''
Documentary (1 article)
# ''[[Triumph of the Will]]''

Drama film (18 articles)
# ''[[8½]]''
# ''[[Bicycle Thieves]]''
# [[Breathless (1960 film)|''Breathless'']]
# ''[[Children of Paradise]]''
# ''[[Citizen Kane]]''
# ''[[The Godfather]]''
# ''[[L'Atalante]]''
# ''[[La Dolce Vita]]''
# ''[[The Rules of the Game]]''
# ''[[Tokyo Story]]''

Epic/Historical (6 articles)
# ''[[The Apu Trilogy]]''
# ''[[Battleship Potemkin]]''
# ''[[The Birth of a Nation]]''
# [[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|''Lawrence of Arabia'']]
# ''[[Seven Samurai]]''
# ''[[The Seventh Seal]]''

Horror/Thriller (2 articles)
# [[Psycho (1960 film)|''Psycho'']]
# [[Vertigo (film)|''Vertigo'']]

Musical (3 articles)
# ''[[The Jazz Singer]]''
# ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]''
# [[The Sound of Music (film)|''The Sound of Music'']]

Romance film (2 articles)
# [[Casablanca (film)|''Casablanca'']]
# [[Gone with the Wind (film)|''Gone With the Wind'']]

Science fiction/Fantasy (4 articles)
# [[2001: A Space Odyssey (film)|''2001: A Space Odyssey'']]
# [[Metropolis (1927 film)|''Metropolis'']]
# ''[[Star Wars]]''
# [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|''The Wizard of Oz'']]

Western (1 article)
# [[Stagecoach (1939 film)|''Stagecoach'']]
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Fictional characters}}Fictional characters (21 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;Mythological and Biblical characters are listed under Philosophy and religion&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Western folklore (6 articles)
# [[King Arthur]]
# [[Baba Yaga]]
# [[Cinderella]]
# [[Faust]]
# [[Robin Hood]]
# [[Santa Claus]]

Eastern folklore (2 articles)
# [[Aladdin]]
# [[Hua Mulan]]
{{Col-break}}

Literature and drama (5 articles)
# [[James Bond (literary character)|James Bond]]
# [[Sherlock Holmes]]
# [[Peter Pan]]
# [[Tarzan]]
# [[Winnie-the-Pooh]]

Film, television, and games (3 articles)
# [[Mickey Mouse]]
# [[Donald Duck]]
# [[Mario]]
{{Col-break}}

Superheroes (5 articles)
# [[Superhero]]
## [[Superman]]
## [[Batman]]
## [[Wonder Woman]]
## [[Spider-Man]]
{{Col-end}}
=Philosophy and religion (440 articles)=
:See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Expanded/People#Philosophers_.2864_articles.29|Philosophers]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Expanded/People#Religious_figures_.28134_articles.29|Religious figures]]
==&lt;span id=&quot;Philosophy&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Philosophy (101 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (1 article)
# '''[[Philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])

Philosophy by region and period (10 articles)
# '''[[Western philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Ancient Greek philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Medieval philosophy]]
## [[Renaissance philosophy]]
## [[Modern philosophy]]
## '''[[Contemporary philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Eastern philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chinese philosophy]]
## [[Indian philosophy]]
# [[Ancient philosophy]]
{{Col-break}}
Philosophical schools and traditions (8 articles)

# [[Analytic philosophy]]
# [[Legalism (Chinese philosophy)|Legalism]]
# [[Phenomenology (philosophy)|Phenomenology]]
# [[Positivism]]
# [[Pragmatism]]
# [[Sophist]]
# [[Stoicism]]
# [[Thomism]]

Religious philosophy (3 articles)

# [[Buddhist philosophy]]
# [[Christian philosophy]]
# [[Islamic philosophy]]
{{Col-end}}

Philosophical branches, approaches and concepts (79 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Ethics (18 articles)
# '''[[Ethics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

Concepts (11 articles)
# '''[[Free will]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Good and evil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Conscience]]
# [[Golden Rule]]
# [[Is–ought problem]]
# [[Morality]]
# [[Plagiarism]]
# [[Principle]]
# [[Value (ethics)|Value]]
# [[Virtue]]
# [[Wisdom]]

Approaches (6 articles)
# [[Consequentialism]]
# [[Deontological ethics]]
# [[Humanism]]
# [[Nihilism]]
# [[Relativism]]
# [[Utilitarianism]]

Logic (11 articles)
# '''[[Logic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Argument]]
# [[A priori and a posteriori|''A priori'' and ''a posteriori'']]
# [[Critical thinking]]
# [[Dialectic]]
## [[Socratic method]]
# [[Inference]]
## [[Deductive reasoning]]
## [[Inductive reasoning]]
# [[Paradox]]
# [[Thought experiment]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Epistemology (16 articles)
# '''[[Epistemology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

Concepts (11 articles)
# '''[[Knowledge]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Truth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Reason]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Belief]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Common sense]]
# [[Concept]]
# [[Experience]]
# [[Occam's razor]]
# [[Opinion]]
# [[Superstition]]
# [[Worldview]]

Approaches (4 articles)
# [[Empiricism]]
# [[Naturalism (philosophy)|Naturalism]]
# [[Rationalism]]
# [[Skepticism]]

Metaphysics (15 articles)
# '''[[Metaphysics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Concepts (8 articles)
# '''[[Existence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ontology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Absolute (philosophy)|Absolute]]
# [[Abstraction]]
# [[Causality]]
# [[Idea]]
# [[Nothing]]
# [[Reality]]

Approaches (6 articles)
# [[Determinism]]
# [[Idealism]]
# [[Materialism]]
# [[Mind–body dualism]]
# [[Monism]]
# [[Platonic realism]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Aesthetics (4 articles)
# '''[[Aesthetics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Beauty]]
# [[Perfection]]
# [[Sublime (philosophy)|Sublime]]

Philosophy of science (9 articles)
# '''[[Philosophy of science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Fact]]
# [[Hypothesis]]
# [[Natural philosophy]]
# [[Paradigm]]
# [[Pseudoscience]]
## [[Parapsychology]]
# [[Reductionism]]
# [[Theory]]

Other branches of philosophy (6 articles)
# [[Philosophy of language]]
## [[Meaning (philosophy)]]
# [[Philosophy of mathematics]]
# [[Philosophy of mind]]
# [[Philosophy of religion]]
# [[Political philosophy]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Religion and spirituality&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Religion and spirituality (84 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (6 articles)
# '''[[Religion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Comparative religion]]
# [[Folk religion]]
# [[Freedom of religion]]
# [[Mysticism]]
# [[Theology]]

Deity (3 articles)
# '''[[Deity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[God]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Goddess]]

Practices (21 articles)
# '''[[Ritual]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fertility rite]]
# '''[[Prayer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Meditation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Apologetics]]
# [[Apostasy]]
# [[Celibacy]]
# [[Fasting]]
# [[Heresy]]
# [[Icon]]
## [[Iconoclasm]]
# [[Idolatry]]
# [[Liturgy]]
# [[Pilgrimage]]
# [[Prophecy]]
# [[Relic]]
# [[Religious conversion]]
# [[Sacrifice]]
# [[Saint]]
# [[Veneration of the dead]]
# [[Worship]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Beliefs (16 articles)
# '''[[Spirituality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Animism]]
# [[Astrology]]
## [[Astrological sign]]
# [[Creation myth]]
# [[Curse]]
# [[Divination]]
# [[Eschatology]]
# [[Faith]]
# [[Magic (supernatural)|Magic]]
## [[Witchcraft]]
# [[Origin myth]]
# [[Religious experience]]
# [[Sacred]]
# [[Supernatural]]
# [[Totem]]

Death (6 articles)
# [[Burial]]
# [[Cemetery]]
# [[Cremation]]
# [[Crypt]]
# [[Funeral]]
# [[Mummy]]

Afterlife (7 articles)
# '''[[Afterlife]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Soul]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heaven]]
## [[Hell]]
## [[Reincarnation]]
# [[Resurrection]]
# [[Spirit]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Institutions (10 articles)
# [[Altar]]
# [[Anti-clericalism]]
# [[Creed]]
# [[Cult]]
# [[Monastery]]
# [[Priest]]
# [[Schism]]
# [[Sect]]
# [[State religion]]
# [[Temple]]

Theistic philosophies (11 articles)
# [[Theism]]
# [[Deism]]
# [[Fundamentalism]]
# [[Monotheism]]
# [[Orthodoxy]]
# [[Paganism]]
# [[Panentheism]]
# [[Pantheism]]
# [[Polytheism]]
# [[Syncretism]]
# [[Unitarianism]]

Non-theistic philosophies (4 articles)
# '''[[Atheism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Agnosticism]]
# [[Free thought]]
# '''[[Secularism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-end}}

==Abrahamic religions (74 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Main branches (7 articles)
# '''[[Christianity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Judaism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Baháʼí Faith]]
# [[Druze]]
# [[Gnosticism]]
# [[Rastafari]]

Common concepts (10 articles)
# '''[[Bible]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Old Testament]]
## [[New Testament]]
# [[Holy Spirit]]
# [[Jehovah]]
# [[Messiah]]
# [[Predestination]]
# [[Salvation]]
# [[Sin]]
# [[Ten Commandments]]

Judaism (10 articles)
# '''[[Talmud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Torah]]
# [[Halakha]]
## [[Kashrut]]
# [[Hebrew Bible]]
# [[Rabbi]]
# [[Synagogue]]
# [[Conservative Judaism]]
# [[Orthodox Judaism]]
# [[Reform Judaism]]
{{Col-break}}

Christianity (0 article)

Branches (22 articles)

# '''[[Catholic Church]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Eastern Catholic Churches]]
# '''[[Eastern Orthodox Church]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Greek Orthodox Church]]
## [[Russian Orthodox Church]]
# [[Nontrinitarianism]]
## [[Jehovah's Witnesses]]
## [[Mormonism]]
# [[Oriental Orthodox Churches]]
## [[Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria]]
## [[Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church]]
# '''[[Protestantism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Anglicanism]]
## [[Arminianism]]
## [[Baptists]]
## [[Calvinism]]
## [[Evangelicalism]]
## [[Lutheranism]]
## [[Methodism]]
## [[Pentecostalism]]
## [[Quakers]]
## [[Seventh-day Adventist Church]]

Concepts (10 articles)
# [[Catholicity]]
## [[Pope]]
## [[Purgatory]]
# [[Christian Church]]
# [[Church (building)|Church]]
## [[Cathedral]]
# [[Ecumenism]]
# [[Grace in Christianity|Grace]]
# [[Second Coming]]
# [[Trinity]]
{{Col-break}}

Islam (15 articles)
# [[Islamic schools and branches]]
## '''[[Sunni Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Shia Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sufism]]
# '''[[Quran]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Allah]]
# [[Five Pillars of Islam]]
## [[Hajj]]
# [[Fiqh]]
# [[Hadith]]
# [[Halal]]
# [[Haram]]
# [[Imam]]
# [[Mosque]]
# [[Sharia]]
{{Col-end}}

==Eastern religions (49 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Major religions (8 articles)
# '''[[Hinduism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Buddhism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Jainism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sikhism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Confucianism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Taoism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Shinto]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Manichaeism]]

Common concepts (9 articles)
# [[Dharma]]
# [[Karma]]
# [[Mantra]]
# [[Om]]
# [[Qi]]
# [[Swastika]]
# [[Tantra]]
# [[Yin and yang]]
# [[Yoga]]
{{Col-break}}

Hinduism (18 articles)
# '''''[[Bhagavad Gita]]''''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vedas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Avatar]]
# [[Brahma]]
# [[Brahman]]
# [[Ganesha]]
# [[Kali]]
# [[Krishna]]
# [[Kumbh Mela]]
# [[Rama]]
# ''[[Ramayana]]''
# [[Shaivism]]
# [[Shaktism]]
# [[Shiva]]
# [[Upanishads]]
# [[Vaishnavism]]
# [[Vedanta]]
# [[Vishnu]]
{{Col-break}}

Buddhism (9 articles)
# '''[[Mahayana]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Avalokiteśvara]]
## ''[[Diamond Sutra]]''
# '''[[Theravada]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Pāli Canon]]
# [[Vajrayana]]
# [[Four Noble Truths]]
# [[Nirvana]]
# [[Zen]]

Sikhism (2 articles)
# ''[[Guru Granth Sahib]]''
# [[Golden Temple]]&lt;!--Harmandir Sahib--&gt;

Taoism (2 articles)
# ''[[Tao Te Ching]]''
# [[Zhuangzi (book)|''Zhuangzi'']]

Shinto (1 article)
# ''[[Kojiki]]''
{{Col-end}}

==Other religions (30 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Shamanism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Zoroastrianism]]
## [[Avesta]]
# [[Chinese folk religion]]
# [[Haitian Vodou]]
# [[Traditional African religions]]
## [[Yoruba religion]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Ancient religions (13 articles)
# [[Prehistoric religion]]
# [[Ancient Celtic religion]]
# [[Ancient Egyptian religion]]
# [[Ancient Greek religion]]
## [[Eleusinian Mysteries]]
# [[Ancient Mesopotamian religion]]
# [[Aztec religion]]
# [[Germanic paganism]]
# [[Maya religion]]
# [[Old Norse religion]]
# [[Religion in ancient Rome]]
# [[Religion in pre-Islamic Arabia]]
# [[Slavic paganism]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Western esotericism (4 articles)
&lt;!--For heroes and characters, see under &quot;Mythical and fictional people&quot;, for creatures, see under &quot;Literature: Fictional worlds&quot;--&gt;
# '''[[Western esotericism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Freemasonry]]
## [[Rosicrucianism]]
## [[New Age]]

New religious movements (6 articles)
# '''[[New religious movement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Falun Gong]]
## [[Ghost Dance]]
## [[Modern Paganism]]
### [[Wicca]]
## [[Spiritualism]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Mythology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Mythology (102 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Folklore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Myth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Comparative mythology]]

By culture (10 articles)
# [[Australian Aboriginal religion and mythology]]
# [[Chinese mythology]]
# [[Egyptian mythology]]
# [[Greek mythology]]
# [[Hindu mythology]]
# [[Japanese mythology]]
# [[Korean mythology]]
# [[Norse mythology]]
# [[Persian mythology]]
# [[Roman mythology]]

Abrahamic mythology (19 articles)
# '''[[Abraham]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Adam and Eve]]
# [[Cain and Abel]]
# [[David]]
# [[Daniel (biblical figure)|Daniel]]
# [[Elijah]]
# [[Ezra]]
# [[Isaac]]
# [[Isaiah]]
# [[Ishmael]]
# [[Jacob]]
# [[Joseph (Genesis)|Joseph]]
# [[Lilith]]
# '''[[Moses]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Noah]]
# [[Queen of Sheba]]
# [[Satan]]
# [[Solomon]]
# [[Yahweh]]

Chinese mythology (3 articles)
# [[Jade Emperor]]
# [[Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors]]
## [[Yellow Emperor]]

Egyptian mythology (8 articles)
# [[Amun]]&lt;!--head god--&gt;
# [[Anubis]]
# [[Hathor]]
# [[Horus]]
# [[Isis]]
# [[Osiris]]
# [[Ra]]
# [[Thoth]]
{{Col-break}}

Greco-Roman mythology (20 articles)
Greek mythological heroes (5 articles)
# [[Achilles]]
# [[Aeneas]]
# [[Heracles]] &lt;!--(Hercules)--&gt;
# [[Odysseus]] &lt;!--(Ulysses)--&gt;
# [[Perseus]]

Greek deities (11 articles)
# [[Aphrodite]]
# [[Apollo]]
# [[Artemis]]
# [[Athena]]
# [[Demeter]]
# [[Hades]]
# [[Hera]]
# [[Hermes]]
# [[Hephaestus]]
# [[Poseidon]]
# [[Zeus]]

Roman deities (4 articles)
# [[Jupiter (mythology)|Jupiter]]
# [[Mars (mythology)|Mars]]
# [[Minerva]]
# [[Venus (mythology)|Venus]]

Mesopotamian mythology (3 articles)
# [[Enki]]
# [[Enlil]]
# [[Inanna]]

Native American mythology (3 articles)
# [[Coyote (mythology)|Coyote]]
# [[Great Spirit]]
# [[Quetzalcoatl]]

Norse mythology (3 articles)
# [[Odin]]
# [[Freyja]]
# [[Thor]]

Other mythology (3 articles)

African mythology (1 article)
# [[Anansi]]


Central Asia mythology (1 article)
# [[Tengri]]


Shinto mythology (1 article)
# [[Amaterasu]]
{{Col-break}}

Mythological creatures (22 articles)
# [[Legendary creature]]
# [[Angel]]
# [[Centaur]]
# [[Chimera (mythology)|Chimera]]
# [[Death (personification)]]
# [[Demon]]
# [[Devil]]
# [[Dragon]]
# [[Fairy]]
# [[Garuda]]
# [[Ghost]]
# [[Giant]]
# [[Jinn]]
# [[Leprechaun]]
# [[Mermaid]]
# [[Pegasus]]
# [[Siren (mythology)|Siren]]
# [[Sphinx]]
# [[Unicorn]]
# [[Vampire]]
# [[Werewolf]]
# [[Zombie]]

Mythological places (5 articles)
# [[Atlantis]]
# [[Camelot]]
# [[El Dorado]]
# [[Shangri-La]]
# [[Utopia]]
{{Col-end}}
=Everyday life (481 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Clothing and fashion&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Clothing and fashion (36 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Clothing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Jewellery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Belt (clothing)|Belt]]
# [[Button]]
# [[Cloak]]
# [[Coat]]
# [[Cosmetics]]
## [[Perfume]]
# [[Dress]]
## [[Skirt]]
# [[Glove]]
# [[Hairstyle]]
## [[Beard]]
## [[Moustache]]
## [[Wig]]
# [[Handbag]]
# [[Hat]]
# [[Mask]]
# [[Nightwear]]
# [[Nudity]]
# [[Scarf]]
# [[Shirt]]
# [[Shoe]]
## [[Boot]]
# [[Suit]]
# [[Swimsuit]]
# [[Trousers]]
# [[Undergarment]]
## [[Bra]]
## [[Sock]]
## [[Diaper]]
# [[Umbrella]]
# [[Uniform]]
# [[Veil]]
# [[Wallet]]
# [[Zipper]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Cooking, food and drink&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cooking, food and drink (119 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For fruits, vegetables, herbs and animals kept for food, see Biology/Organisms&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (13 articles)
# '''[[Food]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Eating]]
## '''[[Vegetable]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Drink]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Drinking]]
# [[Meal]]
## [[Breakfast]]
## [[Lunch]]
## [[Dinner]]
## [[Snack]]
# [[Dieting]]
# [[Vegetarianism]]
## [[Veganism]]

Cuisine (9 articles)
# [[Cuisine]]
## [[Chinese cuisine]]
## [[Fast food]]
## [[French cuisine]]
## [[Japanese cuisine]]
## [[Indian cuisine]]
## [[Italian cuisine]]
## [[Mexican cuisine]]
## [[Middle Eastern cuisine]]

Food types (21 articles)
# [[Biscuit]]
# [[Breakfast cereal]]
# [[Casserole]]
# [[Curry]]
# [[Dessert]]
## [[Cake]]
## [[Candy]]
## [[Chocolate]]
# [[Dumpling]]
# [[Noodle]]
# [[Pasta]]
# [[Pastry]]
# [[Pie]]
# [[Pizza]]
# [[Porridge]]
# [[Salad]]
# [[Sandwich]]
## [[Hamburger]]
# [[Soup]]
# [[Stew]]
# [[Sushi]]
{{Col-break|width=37%}}

Preparation and serving (15 articles)
# '''[[Cooking]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baking]]
## [[Cooking oil]]
### [[Vegetable oil]]
## [[Frying]]
## [[Grilling]]
## [[Steaming]]
# '''[[Food preservation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Canning]]
## [[Fruit preserves]]
## [[Pickling]]
## [[Smoking (cooking)]]
# [[Brewing]]
# [[Bar]]
# [[Restaurant]]

Meat and other animal products (16 articles)
# '''[[Meat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Beef]]
### [[Veal]]
## [[Lamb and mutton]]
## [[Offal]]
## [[Pork]]
### [[Bacon]]
### [[Ham]]
### [[Lard]]
## [[Poultry]]
### [[Chicken as food]]
## [[Sausage]]
## [[Seafood]]
### [[Fish as food]]
# [[Egg as food]]
# [[Honey]]

Dairy and analogues (9 articles)
# '''[[Milk]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Butter]]
# [[Cream]]
# [[Margarine]]
# '''[[Cheese]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ice cream]]
# [[Soy milk]]
## [[Tofu]]
# [[Yogurt]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Grains (4 articles)
# '''[[Bread]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Flatbread]]
# '''[[Cereal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Flour]]

Seasonings and condiments (11 articles)
# '''[[Salt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Spice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Condiment]]
## [[Ketchup]]
## [[Mayonnaise]]
## [[Mustard (condiment)|Mustard]]
## [[Sauce]]
### [[Chutney]]
### [[Soy sauce]]
# [[Herb]]
# [[Vinegar]]

Drinks (21 articles)

Non-alcoholic drinks (7 articles)
# '''[[Coffee]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Tea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Drinking water]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hot chocolate]]
# [[Juice]]
# [[Soft drink]]
## [[Coca-Cola]]

Alcoholic drinks (14 articles)
# '''[[Alcoholic drink]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Beer]]
## [[Wine]]
## [[Cider]]
## [[Cocktail]]
## [[Liquor]]
### [[Brandy]]
### [[Gin]]
### [[Liqueur]]
### [[Rum]]
### [[Sake]]
### [[Tequila]]
### [[Vodka]]
### [[Whisky]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Family and kinship&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Family and kinship (50 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (12 articles)
# '''[[Family]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Household]]
## [[Nuclear family]]
## [[Extended family]]
## [[Stepfamily]]
# [[Kinship]]
## [[Affinity (law)|Affinity]]
## [[Clan]]
## [[Consanguinity]]
## [[Lineage (anthropology)|Lineage]]
### [[Matrilineality]]
### [[Patrilineality]]

Interpersonal relationships (8 articles)
# [[Interpersonal relationship]]
## '''[[Friendship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Intimate relationship]]
### [[Breakup]]
### [[Cohabitation]]
### [[Concubinage]]
### [[Infidelity]]
### [[Same-sex relationship]]
{{Col-break}}

Marriage and parenting (19 articles)
# '''[[Marriage]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arranged marriage]]
## [[Civil union]]
## [[Courtship]]
### [[Dating]]
### [[Romance (love)|Romance]]
## [[Wedding]]
## [[Divorce]]
## [[Polygamy]]
## [[Monogamy]]
## [[Bigamy]]
## [[Endogamy]]
## [[Exogamy]]
# '''[[Parenting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Childbirth]]
## [[Family planning]]
## [[Adoption]]
### [[Orphan]]
## [[Disownment]]
{{Col-break}}

Family members (11 articles)
# [[Husband]]
# [[Wife]]
# [[Parent]]
## [[Father]]
## [[Mother]]
# [[Sibling]]
## [[Twin]]
# [[Grandparent]]
# [[Cousin]]
# [[Godparent]]
# [[Pet]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Household items&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Household items (19 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For appliances, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Household_appliances_.2816_articles.29|Household appliances]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Furniture and interior design (11 articles)
# '''[[Furniture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bathtub]]
# [[Bed]]
# [[Cabinetry]]
# [[Carpet]]
# [[Chair]]
# [[Couch]]
# [[Fireplace]]
# [[Pillow]]
# [[Shower]]
# [[Table (furniture)|Table]]
{{Col-break}}

Cooking and eating (8 articles)
# [[Chopsticks]]
# [[Cookware and bakeware]]
# [[Cutlery]]
## [[Fork]]
## [[Spoon]]
# [[Tableware]]
## [[Cup]]
## [[Plate (dishware)|Plate]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sexuality&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sexuality and gender (34 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Human sexuality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Gender]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Man]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Woman]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Transgender]]
# [[Intersex]] 
# '''[[Sexual orientation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heterosexuality]]
## [[Homosexuality]]
## [[Bisexuality]]
## [[Asexuality]]
# [[Human sexual activity]]
## [[Sexual intercourse]]
## [[Foreplay]]
### [[Kiss]]
## [[Oral sex]]
## [[Anal sex]]
## [[BDSM]]
## [[Incest]]
## [[Masturbation]]
## [[Orgasm]]
## [[Promiscuity]]
## [[Prostitution]]
# '''[[Birth control]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Combined oral contraceptive pill]]
## [[Condom]]
### [[Safe sex]]
## [[Fertility]]
# [[Sex education]]
# [[Age of consent]]
# [[Pornography]]
# [[Sexual attraction]]
# [[Sexual fetishism]]
# [[Virginity]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Stages of life&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Stages of life (11 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Childhood]]
## '''[[Infant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Child]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Boy]]
### [[Girl]]
## [[Preadolescence]]
# '''[[Adolescence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Adult]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Young adult (psychology)|Young adult]]
## [[Middle age]]
## '''[[Old age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sports and recreation&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sports and recreation (212 articles)==
Entertainment (71 articles)
&lt;small&gt;Media-based entertainment are in other categories: Literature (books, plays), Performing arts (theater, ballet etc.), Mass Media (television), and Visual arts (movies and comics).&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Entertainment and leisure (14 articles)

# '''[[Entertainment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Leisure]]
# [[Aquarium]]
# [[Beauty pageant]]
# [[Collecting]]
# [[Karaoke]]
# [[Party]]
# [[Puzzle]]
## [[Crossword]]
## [[Jigsaw puzzle]]
## [[Maze]]
## [[Riddle]]
# [[Professional wrestling]]
# [[Quiz]]

Recreation and tourism (8 articles)

# [[Recreation]]
# '''[[Tourism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Play (activity)]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Playground]]
# [[Amusement park]]
# [[Camping]]
# [[Hiking]]
# [[Zoo]]

Toys (13 articles)
# '''[[Toy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Action figure]]
# [[Doll]]
## [[Barbie]]
# [[Frisbee]]
# [[Kite]]
# [[Lego]]
# [[Marble (toy)]]
# [[Rubik's Cube]]
# [[Scale model]]
# [[Stuffed toy]]
## [[Teddy bear]]
# [[Yo-yo]]
{{Col-break}}

Games (36 articles)
# '''[[Game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Board game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Backgammon]]
## [[Chaturanga]]
## [[Chess]]
## [[Draughts]]
## [[Go (game)|Go]]
## [[Mancala]]
## [[Monopoly (game)|''Monopoly'']]
## [[Pachisi]]
## ''[[Scrabble]]''
## [[Shogi]]
## [[Xiangqi]]
# '''[[Card game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Tarot]]
## [[Blackjack]]
## [[Contract bridge]]
## [[Poker]]
# '''[[Gambling]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Casino]]
## [[Dice]]
## [[Lottery]]
## [[Roulette]]
## [[Slot machine]]
# '''[[Video game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Video game console]]
## [[Pokémon]]
## ''[[Pong]]''
## ''[[Tetris]]''
# [[Arcade game]]
# [[Dominoes]]
# [[Hide-and-seek]]
# [[Hopscotch]]
# [[Mahjong]]
# [[Pinball]]
# [[Tag (game)|Tag]]
{{Col-end}}

Sports (141 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=37%}}
Basics (14 articles)
# '''[[Sport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Doping in sport]]
## [[Extreme sport]]
## [[Sports equipment]]
### [[Ball]]
## [[Women's sports]]
# '''[[Olympic Games]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ancient Olympic Games]]
## [[Paralympic Games]]
## [[Summer Olympic Games]]
## [[Winter Olympic Games]]
# [[Asian Games]]
# [[Mascot]]
# [[Stadium]]

Team sports (36 articles)
# [[American football]]
## [[National Football League]]
## [[Super Bowl]]
# '''[[Association football]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[FIFA World Cup]]
## [[La Liga]]
## [[Premier League]]
## [[UEFA Champions League]]
# [[Australian rules football]]
# [[Bandy]]
# [[Baseball]]
## [[Major League Baseball]]
## [[Softball]]
# [[Basketball]]
## [[National Basketball Association]]
# [[Basque pelota]]
# [[Cricket]]
## [[Cricket World Cup]]
# [[Curling]]
# [[Field hockey]]
# [[Handball]]
# [[Ice hockey]]
## [[National Hockey League]]
# [[Kabaddi]]
# [[Lacrosse]]
# [[Netball]]
# [[Polo]]
# [[Rugby football]]
## [[Rugby league]]
## [[Rugby sevens]]
## [[Rugby union]]
### [[Rugby World Cup]]
# [[Sepak takraw]]
# [[Tug of war]]
# [[Volleyball]]
## [[Beach volleyball]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Athletics (14 articles)
# '''[[Sport of athletics|Athletics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Running]]
# [[Track and field]]
## [[100 metres]]
## [[Decathlon]]
## [[Discus throw]]
## [[High jump]]
## [[Hurdling]]
## [[Javelin throw]]
## [[Long jump]]
## [[Marathon]]
## [[Pole vault]]
## [[Shot put]]
# [[Walking]]

Skating (5 articles)
# [[Ice skating]]
## [[Figure skating]]
## [[Speed skating]]
# [[Roller skating]]
# [[Skateboarding]]

Water sports (10 articles)
# [[Canoeing]]
# [[Diving (sport)|Diving]]
# [[Rowing (sport)|Rowing]]
# [[Sailing (sport)]]
# [[Underwater diving]]
## [[Scuba diving]]
# '''[[Swimming]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Swimming pool]]
## [[Swimming (sport)]]
# [[Water polo]]

Combat sport and martial arts (15 articles)
# '''[[Martial arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Boxing]]
# [[Capoeira]]
# [[Judo]]
# [[Jujutsu]]
# [[Karate]]
# [[Kickboxing]]
# [[Mixed martial arts]]
# [[Muay Thai]]
# [[Taekwondo]]
# [[Wrestling]]
## [[Freestyle wrestling]]
## [[Greco-Roman wrestling]]
## [[Sumo]]
# [[Wushu (sport)|Wushu]]
{{Col-break|width=28%}}

Other individual sports (47 articles)
# [[Angling]]
# [[Archery]]
# [[Arm wrestling]]
# [[Auto racing]]
## [[Formula One]]
# [[Badminton]]
# [[Bowling]]
## [[Bocce]]
## [[Bowls]]
## [[Ten-pin bowling]]
# [[Bodybuilding]]
# [[Bullfighting]]
# [[Croquet]]
# [[Cue sports]]&lt;!--Billards/pool--&gt;
## [[Carom billiards]]
## [[Pool (cue sports)|Pool]]
## [[Snooker]]
# [[Cycle sport]]
## [[Mountain biking]]
## [[Tour de France]]
# [[Darts]]
# [[Equestrianism]]
## [[Horse racing]]
# [[Fencing]]
# [[Gladiator]]
# [[Golf]]
# [[Gymnastics]]
# [[Mountaineering]]
# [[Orienteering]]
# [[Rock climbing]]
# [[Rodeo]]
# [[Shooting sports]]
## [[Biathlon]]
# [[Skiing]]
## [[Alpine skiing]]
## [[Cross-country skiing]]
## [[Ski jumping]]
## [[Slalom skiing]]
# [[Sled]]
## [[Bobsleigh]]
## [[Luge]]
# [[Snowboarding]]
# [[Squash (sport)|Squash]]
# [[Surfing]]
# [[Table tennis]]
# [[Tennis]]
# [[Olympic weightlifting]]
{{Col-end}}
=Society and social sciences (941 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;General&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;General (8 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Communication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Nonverbal communication]]
### [[Body language]]
# '''[[Social science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Humanities]]
# [[Information]]
# [[Meme]]
# [[Safety]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Anthropology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Anthropology (6 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# '''[[Anthropology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Biological anthropology]]
## [[Linguistic anthropology]]
{{Col-break}}

Societal adaptations (3 articles)
# [[Farmer]]
# [[Hunter-gatherer]]
# [[Nomad]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Business and economics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Business and economics (118 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

General (71 articles)
# '''[[Business]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Company]]
## '''[[Corporation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Multinational corporation]]
## [[Partnership]]
# [[E-commerce]]
# '''[[Economics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Macroeconomics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Microeconomics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Econometrics]]
## [[Economic growth]]
## '''[[Economy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/3|Level 3]])
### [[Economy of China]]
### [[Economy of the European Union]]
### [[Economy of the United States]]
## [[Gross domestic product]]
### [[Goods]]
### [[Service (economics)|Service]]
## [[Inflation]]
## [[Deflation]]
## [[Labour economics]]
## '''[[Market (economics)|Market]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Black market]]
### [[Market failure]]
### [[Monopoly]]
### [[Perfect competition]]
### '''[[Supply and demand]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Productivity]]
## [[Subsidy]]
# '''[[Tax]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Income tax]]
## [[Property tax]]
## [[Sales tax]]
## [[Value-added tax]]
# '''[[Trade]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[International trade]]
## [[Protectionism]]
# '''[[Management]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Logistics]]
# '''[[Marketing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Advertising]]
### [[Brand]]
## [[Sales]]
# '''[[Retail]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Shopping mall]]
## [[Supermarket]]
# '''[[Property]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Capital (economics)]]
# [[Industry]]
## '''[[Agriculture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Construction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Energy industry]]
## [[Fishing industry]]
## [[Forestry]]
## [[Fur trade]]
## '''[[Hunting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Fishing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Whaling]]
## '''[[Manufacturing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
### [[Aerospace manufacturer]]
### [[Automotive industry]]
### [[Chemical industry]]
### [[Textile manufacturing]]
## '''[[Mining]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Insurance]]
# [[Investment]]
## [[Derivative (finance)]]
## [[Real estate]]
## [[Stock]]
## [[Stock exchange]]
### [[New York Stock Exchange]]

Banking and finance (21 articles)
General (11 articles)
# [[Accounting]]
# '''[[Bank]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bankruptcy]]
# [[Cheque]]
# [[Debit card]]
# [[Debt]]
## [[Credit card]]
## [[Interest]]
## [[Loan]]
### [[Mortgage loan]]
# '''[[Finance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Money (5 articles)
# '''[[Money]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Currency]]
## [[Banknote]]
## [[Coin]]
## [[Exchange rate]]

Specific currencies (5 articles)
# [[Euro]]
# [[Japanese yen]]
# [[Pound sterling]]
# [[Renminbi]]
# [[United States dollar]]

Employment (8 articles)
# [[Domestic worker]]
# '''[[Employment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Job]]
# [[Layoff]]
# [[Retirement]]
## [[Pension]]
# [[Unemployment]]
# [[Wage]]

Companies (18 articles)
General (12 articles)
# [[Alibaba Group]]
# [[Amazon (company)|Amazon]]
# [[Apple Inc.]]
# [[AT&amp;T]]
# [[General Electric]]
# [[IBM]]
# [[McDonald's]]
# [[Microsoft]]
# [[Nestlé]]
# [[Samsung]]
# [[Standard Oil]]
# [[Walmart]]

Car companies (4 articles)
# [[Ford Motor Company]]
# [[General Motors]]
# [[Toyota]]
# [[Volkswagen]]

Media companies (2 articles)
# [[Nintendo]]
# [[The Walt Disney Company]]
&lt;small&gt;For other media companies, see under Mass media&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Culture&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Culture (35 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (13 articles)
# '''[[Culture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Popular culture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cultural assimilation]]
# [[Tradition]]
## '''[[Oral tradition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Greeting]]
# [[Body modification]]
## [[Body piercing]]
## [[Circumcision]]
## [[Female genital mutilation]]
## [[Tattoo]]
# [[Taboo]]
## [[Human cannibalism]]
{{Col-break}}

Festivals, holidays, and observances (22 articles)
# [[Birthday]]
# '''[[Festival]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Carnival]]
## [[Harvest festival]]
## [[Holi]]
## [[Diwali]]
## [[World's fair]]
# [[Holiday]]
## [[Christmas]]
## [[Easter]]
### [[Pentecost]]&lt;!--Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ; Pentecost celebrates the birth/founding of the Christian/Catholic church--&gt;
## [[Halloween]]
## [[New Year]]
### [[New Year's Day]]
### [[Chinese New Year]]
### [[Rosh Hashanah]]
## [[Nowruz]]
## [[Passover]]
## [[Yom Kippur]]
# [[Ramadan]]
## [[Eid al-Fitr]]
# [[Sabbath]]

{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Education&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Education (61 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (13 articles)
# '''[[Education]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Early childhood education]]
## [[Primary education]] 
## [[Secondary education]]
# '''[[Learning]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Library]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[School]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Boarding school]]
## [[Curriculum]]
## [[Teacher]]
## [[Test (assessment)|Test]]
# [[University]]
## [[College]]
{{Col-break}}

Libraries (8 articles)


Africa (1 article)
# [[Library of Alexandria]]


Americas (2 articles)
# [[Library of Congress]]
# [[New York Public Library]]


Asia (1 article)
# [[National Library of China]]
{{Col-break}}


Europe (4 articles)
# [[Vatican Library]]
# [[British Library]]
# [[Russian State Library]]
# [[Bibliothèque nationale de France]]
{{Col-end}}

Educational institutions (40 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[University of al-Qarawiyyin]]
# [[Al-Azhar University]]

Americas (13 articles)
# [[National Autonomous University of Mexico]]
# [[University of Toronto]]

United States (7 articles)
# [[University of Chicago]]
# [[California Institute of Technology]]
# [[Johns Hopkins University]]
# [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology]]
# [[Stanford University]]
# [[University of Virginia]]
# [[University of California, Berkeley]]

Ivy League (4 articles)
# [[Ivy League]]
# [[Harvard University]]
# [[Yale University]]
# [[Princeton University]]

Asia (6 articles)
# [[Kyoto University]]
# [[University of Tokyo]]
# [[Indian Institutes of Technology]]

China (3 articles)
# [[University of Hong Kong]]
# [[Peking University]]
# [[Tsinghua University]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (19 articles)
# [[University of Bologna]]
# [[University of Copenhagen]]
# [[Complutense University of Madrid]]
# [[University of Vienna]]
# [[Leiden University]]
# [[Sapienza University of Rome]]
# [[University of Salamanca]]
# [[ETH Zurich]]

France (2 articles)
# [[École normale supérieure (Paris)|École normale supérieure]]
# [[University of Paris]]

Germany (4 articles)
# [[Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich]]
# [[Humboldt University of Berlin]]
# [[University of Göttingen]]
# [[Heidelberg University]]

UK (2 articles)
# [[University of Cambridge]]
# [[University of Oxford]]

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Charles University|Charles University in Prague]]
# [[Jagiellonian University]]
# [[Moscow State University]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Ethnology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ethnology (38 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (7 articles)
# [[Ethnology]]
# '''[[Ethnic group]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Indigenous peoples]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diaspora]]
# [[Ethnocentrism]]
# [[Ethnography]]
# [[Self-determination]]

Ethnic groups (31 articles)
# [[Aboriginal Australians]]
# [[Adivasi]]
# [[African Pygmies]]
# [[Arabs]]
## [[Bedouin]]
# [[Austronesian peoples]]
# [[Bantu peoples]]
# [[Basques]]
# [[Berbers]]
# [[Han Chinese]]
# [[Hmong people]]
# [[Indigenous peoples of the Americas]]
## [[Cherokee]]
## [[Inuit]]
## [[Iroquois]]
## [[Maya peoples]]
## [[Navajo]]
## [[Quechua people]]
## [[Sioux]]
# [[Jews]]
# [[Kurds]]
# [[Maasai people]]
# [[Māori people]]
# [[Romani people]]
# [[Sámi people]]
# [[San people]]
# [[Slavs]]
# [[Tibetan people]]
# [[Uyghurs]]
# [[Yoruba people]]
# [[Zulu people]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;International organizations&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;International organizations (30 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
United Nations organizations (10 articles)
# '''[[United Nations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[International Atomic Energy Agency]]
# [[International Court of Justice]]
# [[International Criminal Court]]
# '''[[International Monetary Fund]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[UNESCO]]
# [[UNICEF]]
# [[World Bank Group]]
# '''[[World Health Organization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[World Trade Organization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Governmental organizations (17 articles)
# [[African Union]]
# [[Arab League]]
# [[ASEAN]]
# [[Commonwealth of Independent States]]
# [[Commonwealth of Nations]]
# [[Council of Europe]]
# '''[[European Union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[G20]]
# [[Interpol]]
# [[League of Nations]]
# '''[[NATO]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[North American Free Trade Agreement]]
# [[OECD]]
# [[OPEC]]
# [[Organization for Security and Co-operation in Europe]]
# [[Organization of American States]]
# [[Warsaw Pact]]

Non-governmental organizations (3 articles)
# '''[[International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nobel Prize]]
# [[Scouting]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Language&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Language (197 articles)==

Basics (62 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## [[Origin of language]]
# '''[[Grammar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Syntax]]
## [[Sentence (linguistics)|Sentence]]
## [[Clause]]
## [[Phrase]]
### [[Proverb]]
## [[Noun]]
### [[Name]]
#### '''[[Personal name]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
#### [[Surname]]
## [[Verb]]
### [[Grammatical tense]]
## [[Adjective]]
## [[Adverb]]
## [[Pronoun]]
## [[Preposition and postposition]]
## [[Conjunction (grammar)|Conjunction]]
## [[Interjection]]
# '''[[Linguistics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Comparative linguistics]]
## [[Historical linguistics]]
### [[Etymology]]
## [[Linguistic typology]]
# [[Literacy]]
## [[Reading]]
# [[Morphology (linguistics)|Morphology]]
## [[Morpheme]]
# [[Phonetics]]
## [[Consonant]]
## [[International Phonetic Alphabet]]
## [[Prosody (linguistics)|Prosody]]
## [[Vowel]]
# [[Phonology]]
## [[Phoneme]]
## [[Syllable]]
# [[Rhetoric]]
# [[Semantics]]
## [[Euphemism]]
## [[Profanity]]
# [[Semiotics]]
## [[Pragmatics]]
## [[Symbol]]
# [[Sociolinguistics]]
## [[Accent (sociolinguistics)|Accent]]
## [[Dialect]]
## [[Diglossia]]
## [[Endangered language]]
## [[Language death]]
## [[Multilingualism]]
## [[Slang]]
# '''[[Speech]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Speech act]]
# [[Translation]]
# '''[[Word]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Writing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Letter (alphabet)|Letter]]
## [[Orthography]]
## [[Transliteration]]
## [[Writing system]]
{{Div col end}}

Language families (28 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Language family]]
# [[Afroasiatic languages]]
## [[Semitic languages]]
# [[Algic languages]]
# [[Austroasiatic languages]]
# [[Austronesian languages]]
# [[Creole language]]
# [[Dravidian languages]]
# [[Eskimo–Aleut languages]]
# '''[[Indo-European languages]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Indo-Aryan languages]]
## [[Romance languages]]
## [[Germanic languages]]
## [[Iranian languages]]
## [[Slavic languages]]
# [[Kartvelian languages]]
# [[Khoisan languages]]
# [[Kra–Dai languages]]
# [[Niger–Congo languages]]
## [[Bantu languages]]
# [[Nilo-Saharan languages]]
# [[North Caucasian languages]]
# [[Sign language]]
# [[Sino-Tibetan languages]]
# [[Trans–New Guinea languages]]
# [[Turkic languages]]
# [[Uralic languages]]
# [[Uto-Aztecan languages]]
{{Div col end}}

Alphabets and writing systems (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Arabic alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Brahmic scripts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Braille]]
# '''[[Chinese characters]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cuneiform]]
# '''[[Cyrillic script]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Devanagari]]
# [[Egyptian hieroglyphs]]
# '''[[Greek alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hangul]]
# [[Japanese writing system]]
# '''[[Latin script]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maya script]]
# [[Morse code]]
# [[Phoenician alphabet]]
# [[Rosetta Stone]]
# [[Runes]]
{{Div col end}}

Specific languages (90 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Indo-European languages (42 articles)
# [[Armenian language]]
# '''[[Greek language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ancient Greek]]

Germanic languages (10 articles)
# [[Danish language]]
# [[Dutch language]]
# '''[[English language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[English grammar]]
## [[Old English]]
## [[Middle English]]
## [[Modern English]]
# '''[[German language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Swedish language]]
# [[Yiddish]]

Romance languages (6 articles)
# '''[[French language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Italian language]]
# '''[[Latin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Portuguese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Romanian language]]
# '''[[Spanish language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Slavic languages (6 articles)
# [[Czech language]]
# [[Old Church Slavonic]]
# [[Polish language]]
# '''[[Russian language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Serbo-Croatian]]
# [[Ukrainian language]]

Iranian languages (3 articles)
# [[Kurdish languages]]
# [[Pashto]]
# [[Persian language]]
{{Col-break}}


Indo-Aryan languages (14 articles)
# [[Assamese language]]
# '''[[Bengali language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Hindustani language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hindi]]
## [[Urdu]]
# [[Marathi language]]
# [[Nepali language]]
# [[Odia language]]
# [[Pali]]
# [[Sanskrit]]
# [[Sindhi language]]
# [[Sinhala language]]
# [[Punjabi language]]
# [[Gujarati language]]

Afroasiatic languages (12 articles)
# [[Akkadian language]]
# [[Amharic]]
# '''[[Arabic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Classical Arabic]]
## [[Egyptian Arabic]]
# [[Aramaic]]
# [[Berber languages]]
# [[Egyptian language]]
# [[Hebrew language]]
# [[Hausa language]]
# [[Oromo language]]
# [[Somali language]]

Sino-Tibetan languages (8 articles)
# [[Burmese language]]
# '''[[Chinese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Classical Chinese]]
## [[Hakka Chinese]]
## [[Mandarin Chinese]]
## [[Wu Chinese]]
## [[Yue Chinese]]
## [[Min Chinese]]
{{Col-break}}

Austronesian languages (7 articles)
# [[Cebuano language]]
# [[Indonesian language]]
# [[Javanese language]]
# [[Malagasy language]]
# [[Malay language]]
# [[Sundanese language]]
# [[Tagalog language]]

Austro-Asiatic languages (2 articles)
# [[Khmer language]]
# [[Vietnamese language]]

Dravidian languages (4 articles)
# [[Kannada]]
# [[Malayalam]]
# [[Tamil language]]
# [[Telugu language]]

Niger–Congo languages (4 articles)
# [[Fula language]]
# [[Igbo language]]
# [[Swahili language]]
# [[Yoruba language]]

Turkic languages (4 articles)
# [[Azerbaijani language]]
# [[Kazakh language]]
# [[Turkish language]]
# [[Uzbek language]]

Other languages (7 articles)
# [[Esperanto]]
# '''[[Japanese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hungarian language]]
# [[Korean language]]
# [[Quechuan languages]]
# [[Sumerian language]]
# [[Thai language]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Law&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Law (83 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For legal history see [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/History#History_of_other_topics_.2816_articles.29|History of other topics]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (26 articles)
# '''[[Law]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Alternative dispute resolution]]
# [[Appeal]]
# [[Capital punishment]]
# '''[[Constitution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Contract]]
# [[Damages]]
# [[Equity (law)|Equity]]
# [[Evidence (law)|Evidence]]
## [[Forensic science]]
# [[Impartiality]]
# [[Injunction]]
# [[Jurisprudence]]
## [[Statutory interpretation]]
# '''[[Justice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lawsuit]]
# [[Negligence]]
# [[Presumption of innocence]]
# [[Rights]]
## [[Civil and political rights]]
## [[Freedom of speech]]
## [[Suffrage]]
### '''[[Women's suffrage]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tort]]
# [[Trial]]
# [[Witness]]
{{Col-break}}

Crime (19 articles)
# '''[[Crime]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Organized crime]]
# [[Driving under the influence]]
# [[Fraud]]
# [[Human trafficking]]
# [[Illegal drug trade]]
# [[Kidnapping]]
# [[Piracy]]
# [[Smuggling]]
# [[Theft]]
## [[Robbery]]
# [[Assault]]
# [[Battery (crime)]]
# [[Domestic violence]]
# [[Homicide]]
## [[Murder]]
# [[Sexual assault]]
## [[Rape]]
# [[Torture]]

Institutions and professions (8 articles)
# [[Court]]
# [[Judge]]
# [[Judiciary]]
## [[Rule of law]]
# [[Jury]]
# [[Lawyer]]
# '''[[Police]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Security]]
{{Col-break}}

Subjects (17 articles)
# [[Administrative law]]
# [[Civil law (legal system)|Civil law]]
# [[Common law]]
# [[Criminal law]]
## [[Criminal procedure]]
# [[Customary law]]
# [[Intellectual property]]
## [[Copyright]]
## [[Patent]]
# [[International law]]
# [[Precedent]]
# [[Property law]]
## [[Inheritance]]
## [[Will and testament]]
# [[Religious law]]
# [[Statutory law]]
# [[Trust law]]

Specific documents (13 articles)
# [[Code of Hammurabi]]
# ''[[Corpus Juris Civilis]]''
# ''[[Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen]]''
# [[Geneva Conventions]]
# [[International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights]]
# [[International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights]]
# [[Magna Carta]]
# [[Napoleonic Code]]
# [[Nuremberg principles]]
# [[Statute of Westminster 1931]]
# [[Constitution of the United States]]
# [[United States Declaration of Independence]]
# ''[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]''
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Mass media&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Mass media (58 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For technology of mass communication, television, radio, etc., see technology section&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (11 articles)
# [[Cartoon]]
# [[Censorship]]
# '''[[Journalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mass media]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[News]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[News media]]
# [[Photojournalism]]
# [[Propaganda]]
# [[Public relations]]
# '''[[Publishing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Western (genre)]]
Academic journals (5 articles)

# [[Academic journal]]
## ''[[Journal des sçavans]]''
## ''[[Nature (journal)|Nature]]''
## ''[[Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society]]''
## ''[[Science (journal)|Science]]''

Magazines (13 articles)
# [[Magazine]]
## [[Mad (magazine)|''Mad'']]
## ''[[National Geographic]]''
## ''[[The New Yorker]]''
## ''[[Playboy]]''
## [[Punch (magazine)|''Punch'']]
## ''[[Reader's Digest]]''
## ''[[Rolling Stone]]''
## ''[[Scientific American]]''
## ''[[Der Spiegel]]''
## [[Time (magazine)|''Time'']]
## [[Vogue (magazine)|''Vogue'']]
## ''[[Weekly Shōnen Jump]]''
{{Col-break}}

Newspapers (6 articles)
# [[Newspaper]]
## ''[[The Times]]''
## ''[[The New York Times]]''
## ''[[The Wall Street Journal]]''
## ''[[The Washington Post]]''
## ''[[Le Monde]]''

Radio (1 article)
# [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (radio series)]]

Television (18 articles)
# [[Documentary film]]
# [[Emmy Award]]
# [[Game show]]
# [[Reality television]]
# [[Sitcom]]
# [[Soap opera]]
# [[Talk show]]
# [[Television in the United States]]
# [[Television show]]
## ''[[Doctor Who]]''
## ''[[Eurovision Song Contest]]''
## ''[[Looney Tunes]]''
## ''[[Meet the Press]]''
## ''[[Sesame Street]]''
## ''[[The Simpsons]]''
## ''[[Star Trek]]''
# [[Television network]]
## [[BBC]]
{{Col-break}}

Websites (4 articles)
# [[Facebook]]
# [[Google]]
## [[YouTube]]
# [[Wikipedia]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Politics and government&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Politics and government (75 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Politics (20 articles)
# '''[[Politics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Political science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Diplomacy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diplomatic mission]]
## [[International relations]]
# '''[[Imperialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Colonialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Globalization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Civics]]
## [[Citizenship]]
# [[Civil liberties]]
# [[Election]]
## [[Opinion poll]]
## [[Political campaign]]
## '''[[Political party]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Referendum]]
# [[Nation]]
# [[Revolution]]
# [[Riot]]
# [[Cult of personality]]

Forms of government (9 articles)
# '''[[Government]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Democracy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Dictatorship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Monarchy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Absolute monarchy]]
### [[Constitutional monarchy]]
## '''[[Theocracy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Oligarchy]]
## [[Republic]]
{{Col-break}}

State structure and administration (22 articles)
# '''[[State (polity)|State]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[City-state]]
## [[Nation state]]
### [[Unitary state]]
### [[Federation]]
### [[Federalism]]
## [[Confederation]]
## [[Empire]]
## [[Welfare state]]
### '''[[Welfare]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sovereignty]]
# [[National security]]
# [[Decentralization]]
# [[Executive (government)|Executive]]
## [[Head of state]]
# [[Legislature]]
## [[Parliament]]
# [[Public policy]]
## [[Economic policy]]
## [[Public administration]]
### [[Civil service]]
# [[Separation of powers]]
{{Col-break}}

Ideology and political theory (24 articles)
# '''[[Ideology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Political spectrum]]
# '''[[Anarchism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Capitalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Socialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Communism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Marxism]]
### [[Leninism]]
# '''[[Fascism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Nazism]]
# '''[[Liberalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Libertarianism]]
# '''[[Conservatism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Nationalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Zionism]]
# [[Patriotism]]
# [[Populism]]
# [[Cosmopolitanism]]
# [[Totalitarianism]]
# [[Christian democracy]]
# [[Social democracy]]
# [[Green politics]]
# [[Multiculturalism]]
# [[Islamism]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Psychology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Psychology (80 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For [[psychological disorders]] see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Biology_and_health_sciences#Mental_disorders_.2816_articles.29|Mental disorders]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Psychology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Clinical psychology]]
# [[Cognitive psychology]]
# [[Developmental psychology]]
# [[Personality psychology]]
# [[Psychology of religion]]
# [[Psychotherapy]]

Psychology schools (6 articles)
# [[Analytical psychology]]
# [[Behaviorism]]
# [[Evolutionary psychology]]
# [[Gestalt psychology]]
# [[Humanistic psychology]]
# [[Psychoanalysis]]

Interpersonal relations (17 articles)
# [[Aggression]]
# [[Altruism]]
# [[Blame]]
# [[Bullying]]
# [[Charisma]]
# [[Competition]]
# [[Conformity]]
# [[Empathy]]
# [[Forgiveness]]
# [[Honour]]
# [[Lie]]
# '''[[Privacy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Prejudice]]
# [[Punishment]]
# [[Respect]]
# [[Shyness]]
# [[Trust (social science)|Trust]]
{{Col-break}}

Emotions and traits (28 articles)
# '''[[Emotion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Agreeableness]]
# '''[[Anger]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Anxiety]]
# [[Conscientiousness]]
# [[Courage]]
# [[Curiosity]]
# [[Dignity]]
# [[Disgust]]
# [[Doubt]]
# [[Extraversion and introversion]]
# '''[[Fear]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guilt (emotion)]]
# '''[[Happiness]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hatred]]
# [[Hope]]
# '''[[Humour]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jealousy]]
# '''[[Love]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lust]]
# [[Neuroticism]]
# [[Openness to experience]]
# [[Pleasure]]
# [[Sadness]]
# [[Self-esteem]]
# [[Shame]]
# [[Surprise (emotion)|Surprise]]
# [[Suffering]]
{{Col-break}}

Concepts (22 articles)
# [[Amnesia]]
# [[Attention]]
# [[Cognition]]
# [[Cognitive development]]
# [[Confirmation bias]]
# '''[[Consciousness]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Creativity]]
# '''[[Dream]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Human behavior]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Human intelligence]]
# [[Hypnosis]]
# [[Imagination]]
# [[Introspection]]
# '''[[Memory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mind]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Mood (psychology)|Mood]]
# [[Motivation]]
# [[Oedipus complex]]
# [[Perception]]
# '''[[Personality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Stereotype]]
# '''[[Thought]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Society&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Society (81 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=34%}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Society]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Civil society]]
# [[Institution]]
# [[Social norm]]
# [[Social order]]
# [[Solidarity]]
# [[Public]]

Groups (12 articles)
# [[Club (organization)|Club]]
# '''[[Community]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gang]]
# [[Organization]]
## [[Non-governmental organization]]
## [[Nonprofit organization]]
## '''[[Trade union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Secret society]]
# [[Social network]]
# [[Support group]]
# [[Tribe]]
# [[Voluntary association]]

Services and institutions (5 articles)
# [[Emergency management]]
# [[Firefighting]]
# [[Orphanage]]
# [[Prison]]
# [[Social work]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Issues (28 articles)
# [[Social issue]]
# '''[[Abortion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Animal welfare]]
# [[Child labour]]
# [[Corruption]]
# [[Deforestation]]
# '''[[Disability]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Environmentalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Euthanasia]]
# '''[[Famine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Homelessness]]
# '''[[Human migration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Immigration]]
# [[Human overpopulation]]
## [[One-child policy]]
# [[Humanitarianism]]
# [[Pacifism]]
## '''[[Peace]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[World peace]]
# '''[[Pollution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Air pollution]]
## [[Water pollution]]
# [[Population ageing]]
# '''[[Poverty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Social movement]]
# '''[[Suicide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sustainable development]]
# [[Violence]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Social status (29 articles)
# [[Economic inequality]]
# [[Gender equality]]
## '''[[Feminism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Women's rights]]
# '''[[Human rights]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Liberty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Social equality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Minority group]]
# [[Political freedom]]
# [[Race (human categorization)|Race]]
# [[Social stratification]]
# '''[[Slavery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Caste (3 articles)
# [[Caste]]
# [[Caste system in India]]
# [[Four occupations]]

Social classes (8 articles)
# '''[[Social class]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Clergy]]
# [[Eunuch]]
# [[Upper class]]
# [[Middle class]]
# [[Working class]]
# [[Underclass]]
# [[Peasant]]

Discrimination (6 articles)
# '''[[Discrimination]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Class discrimination]]
# [[Homophobia]]
# '''[[Racism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sexism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Genocide denial]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sociology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sociology (21 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Sociology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Criminology]]
# [[Demography]]
## [[Census]]
# [[Etiquette]]
# [[Generation]]
# [[Nature versus nurture]]
# [[Peer pressure]]
# '''[[Power (social and political)]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Social change]]
# [[Social control]]
## [[Deviance (sociology)|Deviance]]
# [[Social group]]
## [[Identity (social science)|Identity]]
# [[Social reality]]
# [[Social research]]
# [[Social theory]]
# [[Socialization]]
# [[Sociological theory]]
# [[Structure and agency]]
# [[Subculture]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;War and military&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;War and military (50 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;''See also [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Military_technology_.2867_articles.29|Military technology]]''&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (12 articles)
# '''[[War]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Casualty (person)|Casualty]]
# [[Conscription]]
# [[Desertion]]
# [[Duel]]
# [[Law of war]]
# [[Medal]]
# [[Militarism]]
# [[Prisoner of war]]
# [[Refugee]]
# [[War crime]]
## '''[[Genocide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Wars by type (5 articles)
# [[Civil war]]
# [[Ethnic conflict]]
# [[Invasion]]
# [[Rebellion]]
# [[Religious war]]
{{Col-break}}

Warfare by type (10 articles)
# '''[[Terrorism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aerial warfare]]
# [[Anti-aircraft warfare]]
# [[Armoured warfare]]
# [[Espionage]]
# [[Guerrilla warfare]]
# [[Naval warfare]]
# [[Siege]]
# [[Sniper]]
# [[Trench warfare]]

Military (23 articles)
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Military]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Military education and training]]
# [[Military–industrial complex]]
# [[Military science]]
# [[Operational level of war]]
## [[Military strategy]]
## [[Military tactics]]
{{Col-break}}

Military forces (8 articles)
# [[Army]]
## [[Cavalry]]
## [[Infantry]]
## [[Militia]]
# [[Navy]]
# [[Air force]]
# [[Soldier]]
# [[Military reserve]]

Military operations (3 articles)
# [[Battle]]
# [[Blockade]]
# [[Peacekeeping]]

Military organization (3 articles)
# [[Military organization]]
# [[Command and control]]
# [[Staff (military)]]

Military ranks (2 articles)
# [[Military rank]]
# [[Officer (armed forces)|Officer]]
{{Col-end}}
=Biology and health sciences (1,477 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (42 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Life]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## '''[[Death]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Abiogenesis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Organism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Model organism]]
# '''[[Biology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Microbiology]]
## [[Mycology]]
# [[Biomechanics]]
# '''[[Genetics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Gene]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Genetic code]]
## [[Gene expression]]
## '''[[Heredity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Epigenetics]]
## [[Human genome]]
## [[Hybrid (biology)|Hybrid]]
## [[Mendelian inheritance]]
# '''[[Evolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Natural selection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Adaptation]]
## [[Genetic drift]]
## [[Evolutionary history of life]]
## [[Mutation]]
# '''[[Human evolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Australopithecus]]''
## ''[[Homo habilis]]''
## ''[[Homo erectus]]''
## [[European early modern humans]]
## [[Denisovan]]
## [[Neanderthal]]
## ''[[Paranthropus]]''
# [[Neuroscience]]
## '''[[Sense]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Paleontology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fossil]]
# [[Phylogenetics]]
## [[Binomial nomenclature]]
## '''[[Taxonomy (biology)|Taxonomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Domain (biology)|Domain]]
### [[Kingdom (biology)|Kingdom]]
### '''[[Species]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Anatomy and morphology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Anatomy and morphology (122 articles)==

Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Anatomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Dissection]]
# [[Organ (anatomy)|Organ]]
# [[Tissue (biology)|Tissue]]
# [[Sexual dimorphism]]

Animal (95 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (9 articles)
# [[Endocrine system]]
## [[Adrenal gland]]
## [[Thyroid]]
# '''[[Immune system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Antibody]]
# [[Abdomen]]
# [[Head]]
# [[Thorax]]
# [[Venom]]

Circulatory system (10 articles)
# '''[[Circulatory system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Artery]]
# '''[[Blood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Red blood cell]]
## [[White blood cell]]
# [[Capillary]]
# '''[[Heart]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lymphatic system]]
# [[Spleen]]
# [[Vein]]

Digestive system (7 articles)
# [[Mouth]]
# [[Esophagus]]
# [[Stomach]]
# [[Small intestine]]
# [[Large intestine]]
# '''[[Liver]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pancreas]]

Muscular system (5 articles)
# [[Muscular system]]
# '''[[Muscle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Myocyte]]
# [[Sarcomere]]
# [[Skeletal muscle]]
{{Col-break}}

Nervous system (25 articles)
# '''[[Nervous system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Central nervous system]]
## [[Peripheral nervous system]]
# '''[[Brain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Brainstem]]
## [[Cerebellum]]
## [[Cerebral cortex]]
## [[Cerebrum]]
## [[Neuron]]
# [[Spinal cord]]
# [[Sensory nervous system]]
# [[Auditory system]]
## '''[[Ear]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hearing]]
# [[Taste]]
## [[Tongue]]
# [[Olfactory system]]
## [[Nose]]
## [[Olfaction]]
# [[Somatosensory system]]
## [[Pain]]
# [[Visual system]]
## '''[[Eye]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Visual perception]]
### [[Color vision]]

Integumentary system (9 articles)
# [[Integumentary system]]
# [[Breast]]
# [[Feather]]
# [[Fingerprint]]
# [[Fur]]
# [[Hair]]
# [[Nail (anatomy)]]
# [[Scale (anatomy)]]
# '''[[Skin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Reproductive system (11 articles)
# [[Reproductive system]]
## [[Female reproductive system]]
## [[Male reproductive system]]
# [[Sex organ]]
## [[Clitoris]]
## [[Ovary]]
## [[Penis]]
## [[Placenta]]
## [[Testicle]]
## [[Uterus]]
## [[Vagina]]

Respiratory system (3 articles)
# [[Respiratory system]]
# [[Gill]]
# '''[[Lung]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Skeletal system (7 articles)
# '''[[Skeleton]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bone]]
# [[Jaw]]
# [[Joint]]
# [[Pelvis]]
# [[Skull]]
# [[Vertebral column]]

Urinary system (3 articles)
# [[Urinary bladder]]
# [[Kidney]]
# [[Urinary system]]

Tissues (6 articles)
# [[Connective tissue]]
## [[Cartilage]]
## [[Tendon]]
# [[Epithelium]]
# [[Muscle tissue]]
# [[Nervous tissue]]
{{Col-end}}

Plant (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (12 articles)
# [[Plant anatomy]]
# [[Plant morphology]]
# '''[[Flower]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Fruit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Berry (botany)|Berry]]
## '''[[Nut (fruit)|Nut]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leaf]]
# [[Root]]
# [[Stoma]]
# '''[[Seed]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Shrub]]
# '''[[Tree]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Plant stem (3 articles)
# [[Plant stem]]
# [[Bark (botany)|Bark]]
# [[Trunk (botany)|Trunk]]

Plant tissues (5 articles)
# [[Epidermis (botany)|Epidermis]]
# [[Ground tissue]]
# [[Meristem]]
# [[Vascular tissue]]
# [[Vascular cambium]]
{{Col-end}}

Fungus (2 articles)
# [[Hypha]]
# [[Mycelium]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biochemistry and molecular biology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biochemistry and molecular biology (43 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Biochemistry]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chemical biology]]
# '''[[Molecular biology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Biomolecule]]
# [[Alkaloid]]
## [[Caffeine]]
## [[Cocaine]]
## [[Morphine]]
## [[Nicotine]]
# [[Biological pigment]]
## [[Carotenoid]]
## [[Chlorophyll]]
## [[Melanin]]
# [[Carbohydrate]]
## '''[[Sugar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Fructose]]
### [[Glucose]]
### [[Lactose]]
## [[Cellulose]]
## [[Chitin]]
## [[Glycogen]]
## [[Starch]]
# [[Hormone]]
## [[Dopamine]]
## [[Adrenaline]]
## [[Estrogen]]
## [[Insulin]]
## [[Oxytocin]]
## [[Plant hormone]]
## [[Testosterone]]
# [[Lipid]]
## [[Cholesterol]]
## [[Fat]]
## [[Fatty acid]]
# [[Nucleic acid]]
## '''[[DNA]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[RNA]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Protein]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amino acid]]
## [[Enzyme]]
## [[Hemoglobin]]
## [[Protein (nutrient)]]
# [[Steroid]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biological processes and physiology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biological processes and physiology (47 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# [[Blood sugar level]]
# [[Circadian rhythm]]
# '''[[Digestion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Excretion]]
# '''[[Metabolism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Muscle contraction]]
# '''[[Photosynthesis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Respiration (physiology)|Respiration]]
# [[Thermoregulation]]
# [[Transpiration]]

Biological reproduction (8 articles)
# '''[[Reproduction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Asexual reproduction]]
# [[Sexual reproduction]]
## '''[[Sex]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Female]]
## [[Male]]
# [[Microbial cyst]]
# [[Spore]]
{{Col-break}}

Animal reproduction (7 articles)
# [[Birth]]
# [[Egg]]
# [[Menstrual cycle]]
# [[Menopause]]
# '''[[Pregnancy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Semen]]
# [[Sperm]]

Plant reproduction (7 articles)
# [[Plant reproduction]]
# [[Alternation of generations]]
# [[Gametophyte]]
# [[Plant reproductive morphology]]
# [[Pollen]]
# [[Pollination]]
# [[Sporophyte]]

Development (2 articles)
# [[Developmental biology]]
# [[Development of the human body]]
{{Col-break}}

Animal ontogeny (13 articles)
# [[Cuticle]]
# [[Embryo]]
# [[Fetus]]
# [[Imago]]
# [[Larva]]
# [[Longevity]]
# [[Metamorphosis]]
# [[Moulting]]
# [[Nymph (biology)|Nymph]]
# [[Ontogeny]]
# [[Puberty]]
# [[Pupa]]
# [[Tadpole]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Botany&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Botany (5 articles)==
# '''[[Botany]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Plant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Carnivorous plant]]
## [[Flowering plant]]
## [[Weed]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Cell biology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cell biology (36 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (1 article)
# [[Cell biology]]

Cell processes (10 articles)
# [[Active transport]]
# [[Cell signaling]]
# [[Cellular respiration]]
## [[Glycolysis]]
# [[DNA replication]]
# [[Fermentation]]
# [[Programmed cell death]]
# [[Stem cell]]
# [[Transcription (biology)|Transcription]]
# [[Translation (biology)]]
{{Col-break}}

Cellular division (5 articles)
# [[Cell cycle]]
# [[Fission (biology)|Fission]]
# [[Meiosis]]
# [[Mitosis]]
# [[Plasmid]]

Cell parts (6 articles)
# '''[[Cell (biology)|Cell]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Cell membrane]]
# [[Cytoplasm]]
# [[Cytoskeleton]]
# [[Flagellum]]
# [[Symbiogenesis]]
{{Col-break}}

Organelles (10 articles)
# [[Organelle]]
# [[Cell nucleus]]
## [[Chromosome]]
# [[Centriole]]
# [[Endoplasmic reticulum]]
# [[Golgi apparatus]]
# [[Lysosome]]
# [[Mitochondrion]]
# [[Ribosome]]
# [[Vacuole]]

Plant cells (4 articles)
# [[Plant cell]]
# [[Cell wall]]
# [[Chloroplast]]
# [[Plastid]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Ecology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ecology (17 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Ecology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Biodiversity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Biome]]
# [[Biosphere]]
# [[Competition (biology)]]
# [[Ecological niche]]
# '''[[Ecosystem]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Endangered species]]
# '''[[Extinction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Extremophile]]
# [[Habitat]]
# [[Invasive species]]
# [[Parasitism]]
# [[Population]]
# [[Sustainability]]
# [[Symbiosis]]
# [[Wildlife conservation]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Zoology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Zoology (18 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Zoology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Animal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Animal coloration]]
## [[Camouflage]]

Ethology (14 articles)
# [[Ethology]]
# '''[[Intelligence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sleep]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hibernation]]
# [[Animal locomotion]]
## [[Bipedalism]]
# [[Animal migration]]
# [[Carnivore]]
## [[Predation]]
## [[Scavenger]]
# [[Herbivore]]
## [[Grazing]]
# [[Instinct]]
# [[Sociality]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Organisms&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Organisms (871 articles)==

Animals (568 articles)

General classification (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Arthropod]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bilateria]]
# [[Chordate]]
## [[Craniate]]
## [[Vertebrate]]
# [[Gnathostomata]]
# [[Invertebrate]]
# [[Tetrapod]]

{{Div col end}}

Cnidarians (3 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Cnidaria]]
# [[Coral]]
# [[Jellyfish]]
{{Div col end}}

Echinoderms (4 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Echinoderm]]
# [[Sea cucumber]]
# [[Sea urchin]]
# [[Starfish]]
{{Div col end}}

Mollusks (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Mollusca]]
# [[Clam]]
## [[Mussel]]
## [[Oyster]]
## [[Scallop]]
# [[Octopus]]
# [[Squid]]
# [[Conch]]
# [[Slug]]
## [[Snail]]
{{Div col end}}

Porifera (1 article)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Sponge]]
{{Div col end}}

Arachnids (7 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Acari]]
# [[Arachnid]]
# [[Pseudoscorpion]]
# [[Scorpion]]
# [[Spider]]
## [[Tarantula]]
# [[Tick]]
{{Div col end}}

Crustaceans (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Crustacean]]
# ''[[Astacus astacus]]''
# [[Crab]]
# [[Decapoda]]
# [[Krill]]
# [[Lobster]]
# [[Malacostraca]]
# [[Ostracod]]
# [[Shrimp]]
# [[Woodlouse]]
{{Div col end}}

Insects (59 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Insect]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Pterygota]]
# [[Cockroach]]
# [[Earwig]]
# [[Flea]]
# [[Louse]]
## [[Body louse]]
# [[Mantis]]
# [[Phasmatodea]] &lt;!--(stick insects)--&gt;
# [[Termite]]
''Beetles (Coleoptera)'' (5 articles)
# [[Beetle]]
# [[Coccinellidae]]
# [[Dung beetle]]
# [[Firefly]]
# [[Weevil]]
''Flies (Diptera)'' (10 articles)
# [[Fly]]
# [[Drosophila melanogaster|Common fruit fly]]
# [[Black fly]]
# [[Botfly]]
# [[Crane fly]]
# [[Calliphoridae]]
# [[Horse-fly]]
# [[Housefly]]
# [[Mosquito]]
# [[Tsetse fly]]
''Hemiptera (true bugs)'' (7 articles)
# [[Hemiptera]]
# [[Cicada]]
# [[Bed bug]]
# [[Leafhopper]]
# [[Aphid]] &lt;!--(plant lice)--&gt;
# [[Scale insect]]
# [[Whitefly]]

Hymenoptera (10 articles)
# [[Hymenoptera]]
# [[Ant]]
## [[Fire ant]]
## [[Carpenter ant]]
# [[Bee]]
## [[Bumblebee]]
## [[Africanized bee]]
## [[Western honey bee]]
# [[Wasp]]
## [[Hornet]]

Lepidoptera (8 articles)
# [[Lepidoptera]]
# [[Butterfly]]
# ''[[Bombyx mori]]'' &lt;!--(domesticated silkmoth)--&gt;
# [[Geometer moth]]
# ''[[Lymantria dispar dispar]]''
# [[Moth]]
# ''[[Pieris brassicae]]''
# [[Swallowtail butterfly]]

Odonata (3 articles)
# [[Odonata]]
# [[Damselfly]]
# [[Dragonfly]]

Orthoptera (6 articles)
# [[Orthoptera]]
# [[Cricket (insect)]]
# [[Grasshopper]]
# [[Mole cricket]]
# [[Locust]]
# [[Tettigoniidae]]
{{Div col end}}

Arthropoda, others (9 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Trilobite]]

Hexapoda (2 articles)
# [[Hexapoda]]
# [[Springtail]]

Myriapoda (3 articles)
# [[Myriapoda]]
## [[Centipede]]
## [[Millipede]]

Chelicerata (3 articles)
# [[Chelicerata]]
# [[Eurypterid]]
# [[Xiphosura]]
{{Div col end}}

Invertebrata, others (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Ecdysozoa (3 articles)
# [[Nematode]]
## ''[[Caenorhabditis elegans]]''
# [[Tardigrade]]

Lophotrochozoa (5 articles)
# [[Annelid]]
## [[Earthworm]]
## [[Leech]]
## [[Polychaete]]
# [[Bryozoa]]

Platyzoa (2 articles)
# [[Flatworm]]
## [[Cestoda]]
{{Div col end}}

Agnatha (4 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Agnatha]]
# [[Hagfish]]
# [[Lamprey]]
# [[Ostracoderm]]
{{Div col end}}

Fishes (88 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Fish]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Coral reef fish]]
# [[Deep sea fish]]
# [[Chondrichthyes]] &lt;!--(cartilaginous fishes)--&gt;
# [[Acanthodii]] &lt;!--(&quot;spiny sharks&quot;)--&gt;
# [[Osteichthyes]] &lt;!--(bony fish)--&gt;
## [[Actinopterygii]] &lt;!--(ray-finned fish)--&gt;
## [[Sarcopterygii]] &lt;!--(lobe-finned fish)--&gt;
### [[Coelacanth]]
### [[Lungfish]]
# [[Placodermi]]
# [[Anglerfish]]
# [[Arapaima]]
# [[Chimaera]]
# [[Eel]]
# [[Electric eel]]
# [[Flying fish]]
# [[Milkfish]]
# [[Northern pike]]
# [[Oarfish]]
# [[Mullet (fish)|Mullet]]
# [[Ophidiiformes]]
# [[Scorpaeniformes]]
# [[Stickleback]]

Batoidea (6 articles)
# [[Batoidea]]
# [[Stingray]]
# [[Manta ray]]
# [[Skate (fish)|Skate]]
# [[Sawfish]]
# [[Electric ray]]

Characiformes (3 articles)
# [[Characiformes]]
# [[Characidae]]
# [[Piranha]]

Chondrosteans (2 articles)
# [[Bichir]]
# [[Sturgeon]]

Clupeiformes (5 articles)
# [[Anchovy]]
# [[Herring]]
# [[Ilish]]
# [[Sardine]]
# [[Sprat]]

Cypriniformes (5 articles)
# [[Cypriniformes]]
# [[Cyprinidae]]
## [[Carp]]
## [[Goldfish]]
## [[Koi]]

Cyprinodontiformes (2 articles)
# [[Cyprinodontiformes]] &lt;!--(toothcarps)--&gt;
# [[Guppy]]

Gadiformes (3 articles)
# [[Alaska pollock]]
# [[Cod]]
# [[Haddock]]

Osmeriformes (2 articles)
# [[Galaxiidae]]
# [[Smelt (fish)|Smelt]]

Perciformes (17 articles)
# [[Perciformes]]
# [[Barracuda]]
# [[Cichlid]]
## [[Tilapia]]
# [[Goby]]
# [[Mackerel]]
# [[Marlin]]
# [[Mahi-mahi]]
# [[Serranidae]]
## [[European bass]]
## [[Grouper]]
# [[Siamese fighting fish]]
# [[Swordfish]]
# [[Perch]]
# [[Remora]]
# [[Tuna]]
# [[Wrasse]]

Pleuronectiformes (5 articles)
# [[Flatfish]]
# [[Flounder]]
# [[Halibut]]
# [[Plaice]]
# [[Turbot]]

Salmoniformes (3 articles)
# [[Salmonidae]]
# [[Salmon]]
# [[Trout]]

Sharks (6 articles)
# [[Shark]]
# [[Great white shark]]
# [[Hammerhead shark]]
# [[Tiger shark]]
# [[Nurse shark]]
# [[Whale shark]]

Siluriformes (2 articles)
# [[Catfish]]
# [[Loricariidae]]

Syngnathiformes (1 article)
# [[Seahorse]]

Tetraodontiformes (2 articles)
# [[Ocean sunfish]]
# [[Tetraodontidae]] &lt;!--(pufferfish)--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Amphibians (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Amphibian]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[American bullfrog]]
# [[Caecilian]]
# [[Frog]]
# [[Hylidae]]
# [[Leptodactylidae]]
# [[Newt]]
# [[Salamander]]
# [[Toad]]
# [[True frog]]
{{Div col end}}

Reptiles (47 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Reptile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Crocodilia]]
## [[Alligator]]
## [[Caiman]]
## [[Crocodile]]
# [[Lizard]]
## [[Chameleon]]
## [[Gecko]]
## [[Gila monster]]
## [[Green iguana]]
## [[Horned lizard]]
## [[Komodo dragon]]
## [[Skink]]
# [[Snake]]
## ''[[Agkistrodon contortrix]]'' &lt;!--Copperhead--&gt;
## ''[[Agkistrodon piscivorus]]'' &lt;!--Cottonmouth--&gt;
## [[Boidae]]
## [[Cobra]]
## [[Coral snake]]
## [[Garter snake]]
## [[Sea snake]]
## [[Mamba]]
## [[Rattlesnake]]
## ''[[Vipera berus]]''
# [[Tuatara]]
# [[Turtle]]
## [[Alligator snapping turtle]]
## [[Box turtle]]
## [[Common snapping turtle]]
## [[Painted turtle]]
## [[Red-eared slider]]
## [[Sea turtle]]
## [[Tortoise]]
### [[Galápagos tortoise]]

Dinosaurs and prehistoric reptiles (13 articles)
# '''[[Dinosaur]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Allosaurus]]''
## ''[[Apatosaurus]]'' 
## ''[[Diplodocus]]''
## ''[[Iguanodon]]''
## ''[[Stegosaurus]]''
## ''[[Triceratops]]''
## ''[[Tyrannosaurus]]''
## ''[[Velociraptor]]''
# [[Plesiosauria]]
# [[Pterosaur]]
# [[Synapsid]]
## ''[[Dimetrodon]]''
{{Div col end}}

Birds (118 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

General articles (5 articles)
# '''[[Bird]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seabird]]
# [[Bird of prey]]
# [[Palaeognathae]]
# ''[[Archaeopteryx]]''

Accipitriformes and Falconiformes (9 articles)
# ''[[Accipiter]]''
# [[Eagle]]
## [[Golden eagle]]
# [[Falcon]]
## [[Peregrine falcon]]
# [[New World vulture]]
# [[Old World vulture]]
# [[Osprey]]
# [[Secretarybird]]

Anseriformes (4 articles)
# [[Duck]]
## [[Mallard]]
# [[Goose]]
# [[Swan]]

Apodiformes (2 articles)
# [[Hummingbird]]
# [[Swift]]

Caprimulgiformes (2 articles)
# [[Caprimulgiformes]]
# [[Nightjar]]

Charadriiformes (4 articles)
# [[Auk]]
# [[Gull]]
# [[Sandpiper]]
# [[Tern]]

Ciconiiformes (4 articles)
# [[Heron]]
# [[Ibis]]
# [[Shoebill]]
# [[Stork]]

Columbiformes (4 articles)
# [[Columbidae]]
## [[Dodo]]
## [[Passenger pigeon]]
## [[Rock dove]]

Coraciiformes (3 articles)
# [[River kingfisher]]
# [[Hornbill]]
# [[Hoopoe]]

Cuculiformes (3 articles)
# [[Cuckoo]]
# [[Hoatzin]]
# [[Turaco]]

Galliformes (8 articles)
# [[Galliformes]]
# [[Chicken]]
# [[Grouse]]
# [[Guineafowl]]
# [[Peafowl]]
# [[Common pheasant]]
# [[Common quail]]
# [[Domestic turkey]]

Gaviiformes (1 article)
# [[Loon]]

Gruiformes (4 articles)
# [[Gruiformes]]
# [[Crane (bird)]]
# [[Bustard]]
# [[Rail (bird)|Rail]]

Passerines (2 articles)
# [[Passerine]]
# [[Songbird]]
Corvoidea (8 articles)
# [[Bird-of-paradise]]
# [[Corvidae]]
## ''[[Corvus]]''
### [[Common raven]]
## [[Eurasian magpie]]
# [[Honeyeater]]
# [[Lyrebird]]
# [[Shrike]]
Passerida (23 articles)
# [[Bulbul]]
# [[Cardinal (bird)|Cardinal]]
# [[Bunting (bird)|Bunting]]
# [[Finch]]
# [[Icterid]]
# [[Lark]]
# [[Mockingbird]]
# [[New World warbler]]
# [[Old World flycatcher]]
## [[European robin]]
## [[Common nightingale]]
# [[Ploceidae]]
# [[Old World sparrow]]
## [[House sparrow]]
# [[Starling]]
## [[Common myna]]
## [[Common starling]]
# [[Sunbird]]
# [[Swallow]]
# [[Tit (bird)|Tit]]
# [[Thrush (bird)|Thrush]]
## [[American robin]]
# [[Wren]]

Tyranni (3 articles)
# [[Antbird]]
# [[Ovenbird (family)]]
# [[Tyrant flycatcher]]

Pelecaniformes (5 articles)
# [[Cormorant]]
# [[Darter]]
# [[Frigatebird]]
# [[Pelican]]
# [[Sulidae]]

Phoenicopteriformes (1 article)
# [[Flamingo]]

Piciformes (3 articles)
# [[Honeyguide]]
# [[Toucan]]
# [[Woodpecker]]

Procellariiformes (3 articles)
# [[Procellariiformes]]
# [[Albatross]]
# [[Procellariidae]]

Psittaciformes (4 articles)
# [[Parrot]]
# [[Ara (genus)|''Ara'']]
# [[Budgerigar]]
# [[Cockatoo]]

Ratites (6 articles)
# [[Cassowary]]
# [[Emu]]
# [[Kiwi (bird)|Kiwi]]
# [[Moa]]
# [[Common ostrich]]
# [[Rhea (bird)|''Rhea'']]

Sphenisciformes (1 article)
# [[Penguin]]

Strigiformes (3 articles)
# [[Owl]]
## [[Eurasian eagle-owl]]
## [[Barn owl]]

Tinamiformes (1 article)
# [[Tinamou]]

Trogoniformes (2 articles)
# [[Trogon]]
# [[Resplendent quetzal]]
{{Div col end}}

Mammals (160 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Mammal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aardvark]]
# [[Armadillo]]
# [[Hyrax]]
# [[Pangolin]]
# [[Sirenia]]

Bats (5 articles)
# [[Bat]]
# [[Megabat]]
# [[Microbat]]
# ''[[Pteropus]]''
# [[Vampire bat]]

Carnivora (35 articles)
# [[Carnivora]]
# [[Bear]]
## [[Brown bear]]
## [[Giant panda]]
## [[Polar bear]]
# [[Canidae]]
## '''[[Dog]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fox]]
## [[Coyote]]
## [[Wolf]]
## [[Jackal]]
# [[Felidae]]
## '''[[Cat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cheetah]]
## [[Cougar]]
## [[Jaguar]]
## [[Leopard]]
## [[Lion]]
## [[Lynx]]
## ''[[Smilodon]]''
## [[Snow leopard]]
## [[Tiger]]
# [[Hyena]]
# [[Mongoose]]
# [[Mustelidae]]
## [[European badger]]
## [[Honey badger]]
## [[Marten]]
## [[Otter]]
## [[Sea otter]]
## [[Stoat]]
## [[Weasel]]
## [[Wolverine]]
# [[Procyonidae]]
# [[Skunk]]

Cetaceans (8 articles)
# [[Cetacea]]
# [[Whale]]
# [[Blue whale]]
# [[Dolphin]]
# [[Humpback whale]]
# [[Killer whale]]
# [[Porpoise]]
# [[Sperm whale]]

Erinaceids (1 article)
# [[Hedgehog]]

Even-toed ungulates (36 articles)
# [[Even-toed ungulate]]
# [[Alpaca]]
# [[Wild boar]]
# [[Bovidae]]
## [[African buffalo]]
## [[American bison]]
## [[Antelope]]
## [[Aurochs]]
## [[Capra (genus)|''Capra'']]
## '''[[Cattle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gazelle]]
## [[Gaur]]
## [[Goat]]
## [[Impala]]
## [[Muskox]]
## [[Sheep]]
## [[Water buffalo]]
## [[Wildebeest]]
## [[European bison]]
## [[Domestic yak]]
# [[Camel]]
## [[Bactrian camel]]
## [[Dromedary]]
# [[Deer]]
## [[Elk]]
## [[Moose]]
## [[Red deer]]
## [[Reindeer]]
# [[Llama]]
# [[Giraffe]]
# [[Guanaco]]
# [[Hippopotamus]]
# [[Peccary]]
# [[Domestic pig]]
# [[Pronghorn]]
# [[Vicuña]]

Lagomorphs (3 articles)
# [[Lagomorpha]]
# [[Hare]]
# [[Rabbit]]

Marsupials (8 articles)
# [[Marsupial]]
# [[Diprotodontia]]
## [[Kangaroo]]
## [[Koala]]
# [[Dasyuromorphia]]
## [[Tasmanian devil]]
# [[Opossum]]
# [[Peramelemorphia]]

Monotremes (3 articles)
# [[Monotreme]]
# [[Echidna]]
# [[Platypus]]

Odd-toed ungulates (7 articles)
# [[Odd-toed ungulate]]
# [[Donkey]]
# [[Equidae]]
# '''[[Horse]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rhinoceros]]
# [[Tapir]]
# [[Zebra]]

Pilosa (2 articles)
# [[Anteater]]
# [[Sloth]]

Pinnipeds (4 articles)
# [[Pinniped]]
# [[Eared seal]]
# [[Earless seal]]
# [[Walrus]]

Primates (22 articles)
# '''[[Primate]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Monkey]]
# [[Ape]]
## [[Pan (genus)]]
### [[Chimpanzee]]
### [[Bonobo]]
## [[Gibbon]]
## [[Gorilla]]
## [[Orangutan]]
## [[Human]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# [[New World monkey]]
## [[Capuchin monkey]]
## [[Spider monkey]]
# [[Old World monkey]]
## [[Baboon]]
## [[Macaque]]
## [[Rhesus macaque]]
# [[Strepsirrhini]]
## [[Slow loris]]
## [[Galago]]
## [[Lemur]]
# [[Tarsier]]

Proboscidea (3 articles)
# [[Proboscidea]]
# [[Elephant]]
# [[Mammoth]]

Rodents (15 articles)
# '''[[Rodent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Capybara]]
# [[Coypu]]
# [[Beaver]]
# [[Dormouse]]
# [[Guinea pig]]
# [[Hamster]]
# [[Marmot]]
# [[Mouse]]
# [[Muridae]]
# [[Muskrat]]
# [[Porcupine]]
# [[Rat]]
## [[Brown rat]]
# [[Squirrel]]

Soricomorpha (2 articles)
# [[Shrew]]
## [[Mole (animal)]]
{{Div col end}}

Animal breeds and hybrids (20 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Cats (2 articles)
# [[Siamese cat]]
# [[Domestic short-haired cat]]

Cattle (3 articles)
# [[Brahman cattle]]
# [[Hereford cattle]]
# [[Holstein Friesian cattle]]

Dogs (8 articles)
# [[Beagle]]
# [[Dachshund]]
# [[Great Dane]]
# [[Greyhound]]
# [[Retriever]]
# [[German Shepherd]]
# [[Shih Tzu]]
# [[Terrier]]

Horses (5 articles)
# [[Arabian horse]]
# [[Andalusian horse]]
# [[Friesian horse]]
# [[Thoroughbred]]
# [[Pony]]

Hybrids (1 article)
# [[Mule]]

Sheep (1 article)
# [[Merino]]
{{Div col end}}

Plants (259 articles)

Non-flowering plants (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Green algae (3 articles)
# [[Green algae]]
# [[Charophyta]]
# [[Chlorophyta]]

Bryophytes (5 articles)
# [[Bryophyte]]
# [[Hornwort]]
# [[Marchantiophyta]]
# [[Moss]]
## ''[[Sphagnum]]'' &lt;!--(peat moss)--&gt;

Pteridophytes (4 articles)
# [[Pteridophyte]]
# [[Fern]]
## ''[[Equisetum]]'' &lt;!--(horsetail)--&gt;
# [[Lycophyte]] &lt;!--(club mosses)--&gt;

Gymnosperms (13 articles)
# [[Gymnosperm]]
# [[Cycad]]
# ''[[Ginkgo biloba]]''
''Pinophyta (conifers)'' (10 articles)
# [[Pinophyta]]
# ''[[Cedrus]]'' &lt;!--(cedar)--&gt;
# ''[[Cupressus]]'' &lt;!--(cypress)--&gt;
# [[Douglas fir]]
# [[Fir]]
# [[Juniper]]
# [[Pine]]
# ''[[Podocarpus]]''
# [[Sequoioideae]] &lt;!--(redwoods)--&gt;
# [[Spruce]]
{{Div col end}}

Monocots (33 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Monocotyledon]]

Alismatales (3 articles)
# [[Araceae]]
## ''[[Anthurium]]''
## ''[[Philodendron]]''

Arecales (1 article)
# [[Arecaceae]] &lt;!--(Palm tree)--&gt;

Asparagales (10 articles)
# ''[[Agave]]''
# ''[[Aloe]]''
# ''[[Amaryllis]]''
# ''[[Gladiolus]]''
# [[Iridaceae]]
## [[Iris (plant)|''Iris'']]
# [[Lily of the valley]]
# [[Narcissus (plant)|Narcissus]]
# [[Orchidaceae]]
# ''[[Yucca]]''

Commelinales (1 article)
# ''[[Eichhornia crassipes]]''

Liliales (5 articles)
# ''[[Alstroemeria]]''
# ''[[Colchicum]]''
# [[Liliaceae]]
## ''[[Lilium]]''
## [[Tulip]]

Pandanales (1 article)
## ''[[Pandanus]]''

Poales (9 articles)
# [[Bromeliaceae]] &lt;!--(pineapple family)--&gt;
## [[Puya (plant)|''Puya'']]
## [[Spanish moss]]
# [[Cyperaceae]] &lt;!--(sedges)--&gt;
# ''[[Juncus]]'' &lt;!--(rushes)--&gt;
# [[Poaceae]] &lt;!--or Gramineae (grass family)--&gt;
## [[Bamboo]]
## [[Sugarcane]]
# ''[[Typha]]'' &lt;!--(cat-tail)--&gt;

Zingiberales (2 articles)
# [[Canna (plant)|''Canna'']]
# ''[[Heliconia]]''
{{Div col end}}

Non-monocots (68 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Eudicots]]
# [[Magnoliids]]

Apiales (2 articles)
# [[Apiaceae]]
# ''[[Hedera]]''

Asterales (11 articles)
# [[Asteraceae]] &lt;!--(Daisy family)--&gt;
## ''[[Bellis perennis]]'' &lt;!--(Daisy)--&gt;
## ''[[Chrysanthemum]]''
## ''[[Cirsium]]'' &lt;!--(Thistle)--&gt;
## ''[[Dahlia]]''
## [[Solidago]]
## ''[[Helianthus]]'' &lt;!--(Sunflower)--&gt;
## ''[[Sonchus]]'' &lt;!--(Sow thistle)--&gt;
## ''[[Tagetes]]'' &lt;!--(Marigold)--&gt;
## ''[[Taraxacum]]'' &lt;!--(Dandelion)--&gt;
# [[Campanulaceae]] &lt;!--(Bellflower family)--&gt;

Brassicales (2 articles)
# ''[[Arabidopsis thaliana]]'' &lt;!--(Thale cress)--&gt;
# ''[[Tropaeolum]]'' &lt;!--(Nasturtium)--&gt;

Caryophyllales (1 article)
# [[Cactus]]

Cornales (1 article)
# ''[[Cornus]]'' &lt;!--(Dogwood tree)--&gt;

Cucurbitales (1 article)
# [[Cucurbitaceae]]

Ericales (8 articles)
# ''[[Diospyros]]'' &lt;!--(Ebony/persimmons)--&gt;
# [[Ericaceae]] &lt;!--(Heath family)--&gt;
## ''[[Rhododendron]]''
### [[Azalea]]
# [[Theaceae]] &lt;!--(Tea family)--&gt;
## ''[[Camellia]]''
# ''[[Impatiens]]''
# [[Primulaceae]] &lt;!--(Primrose family)--&gt;

Fabales (2 articles)
# [[Fabaceae]] &lt;!--(Legume family)--&gt;
## ''[[Mimosa]]''

Fagales (5 articles)
# [[Alder]]
# [[Beech]]
# [[Birch]]
# [[Hickory]]
# [[Oak]]

Gentianales (3 articles)
# [[Apocynaceae]] &lt;!--(Dogbane family)--&gt;
# ''[[Gardenia]]''
# [[Rubiaceae]]

Lamiales (6 articles)
# [[Lamiaceae]] &lt;!--or Labiatae (Mint family)--&gt;
# [[Oleaceae]] &lt;!--(Olive family)--&gt;
## ''[[Fraxinus]]'' &lt;!--(Ash tree)--&gt;
# ''[[Salvia]]'' &lt;!--(Sage)--&gt;
# [[Sesame]]
# ''[[Verbena]]''

Malpighiales (6 articles)
# [[Euphorbiaceae]] &lt;!--(Spurge family)--&gt;
# [[Flax]]
# ''[[Hypericum]]'' &lt;!--(St. John's Wort)--&gt;
# [[Poinsettia]]
# [[Viola (plant)|''Viola'']] &lt;!--(Violet)--&gt;
# [[Willow]]

Malvales (2 articles)
# [[Malvaceae]] &lt;!--(Mallow family)--&gt;
## ''[[Adansonia]]'' &lt;!--(Baobab)--&gt;

Myrtales (4 articles)
# [[Henna]]
# [[Melastomataceae]] &lt;!--(Melastome family)--&gt;
# [[Myrtaceae]] &lt;!--(Myrtle family)--&gt;
## ''[[Eucalyptus]]''

Proteales (3 articles)
# [[Proteaceae]] &lt;!--(Protea family)--&gt;
# ''[[Nelumbo]]'' &lt;!--(Lotus)--&gt;
# ''[[Platanus]]'' &lt;!--(Sycamore/plane tree)--&gt;

Rosales (6 articles)
# ''[[Cannabis]]''
# [[Elm]]
# [[Moraceae]] &lt;!--(Mulberry family)--&gt;
## ''[[Ficus sycomorus]]'' &lt;!--(Sycomore fig)--&gt;
# [[Rosaceae]] &lt;!--(Rose family)--&gt;
## [[Rose]]

Sapindales (2 articles)
# [[Mahogany]]
# [[Maple]]

Solanales (1 article)
# [[Convolvulaceae]] &lt;!--(Morning glory family)--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Edible fruits (50 articles)
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Culinary fruits (38 articles)
# [[Apple]]
# [[Apricot]]
# [[Avocado]]
# [[Banana]]
# [[Blackberry]]
# [[Blackcurrant]]
# [[Blueberry]]
# [[Cherry]]
# ''[[Citrus]]'' &lt;!-- fruits--&gt;
## [[Grapefruit]]
## [[Kumquat]]
## [[Lemon]]
## [[Lime (fruit)|Lime]]
## [[Orange (fruit)|Orange]]
## [[Mandarin orange]]
# [[Common fig]]
# [[Cranberry]]
# [[Date palm]]
# [[Durian]]
# [[Grape]]
# [[Guava]]
# [[Jackfruit]]
# [[Kiwifruit]]
# [[Lychee]]
# [[Mango]]
# [[Morus (plant)|''Morus'']] &lt;!--(Mulberry)--&gt;
# [[Muskmelon]]
# [[Olive]]
# [[Papaya]]
# [[Peach]]
# [[Pear]]
# [[Pineapple]]
# [[Plum]]
# [[Pomegranate]]
# [[Raspberry]]
# [[Strawberry]]
# [[Tamarind]]
# [[Watermelon]]

Botanical fruits used as culinary vegetables (12 articles)
# [[Bell pepper]]
# [[Breadfruit]]
# [[Chili pepper]]
# [[Cooking banana]]
# [[Cucumber]]
# ''[[Cucurbita]]'' &lt;!--(Squashes, pumpkins (zucchini)--&gt;
## [[Pumpkin]]
## [[Zucchini]]
# [[Eggplant]]
# [[Green bean]]
# [[Okra]]
# [[Tomato]]
{{Div col end}}

Edible seeds, grains, nuts (pulses) (30 articles)
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Grains (10 articles)
# [[Barley]]
# '''[[Maize]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Millet]]
# [[Oat]]
# '''[[Rice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Oryza sativa]]''
# [[Rye]]
# ''[[Sorghum]]''
# '''[[Wheat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Common wheat]]

Pseudocereals (3 articles)
# [[Amaranth]]
# [[Buckwheat]]
# [[Quinoa]]

Nuts (8 articles)
# [[Almond]]
# [[Brazil nut]]
# [[Cashew]]
# [[Chestnut]]
# [[Hazelnut]]
# ''[[Macadamia]]''
# [[Pecan]]
# [[Walnut]]

Pulses (9 articles)
# [[Bean]]
## ''[[Vicia faba]]'' &lt;!--(Fava bean)--&gt;
## ''[[Lima bean]]'' &lt;!--(Lima bean)--&gt;
## '''[[Soybean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Phaseolus vulgaris]]'' &lt;!--(Pinto bean)--&gt;
# [[Chickpea]]
# [[Lentil]]
# [[Pea]]
# [[Peanut]]
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Vegetables (53 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Leafy vegetables (9 articles)
# ''[[Eruca vesicaria]]'' &lt;!--(Arugula)--&gt;
# [[Cabbage]]
# [[Chard]]
# [[Chinese cabbage]]
# [[Collard (plant)]]
# [[Kale]]
# [[Lettuce]]
# [[Rapeseed]]
# [[Spinach]]

Root vegetables (15 articles)
# [[Arrowroot]]
# [[Beetroot]]
# [[Carrot]]
# [[Cassava]]
# [[Daikon]]
# [[Onion]]
# [[Parsnip]]
# '''[[Potato]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Radish]]
# [[Rutabaga]]
# [[Sugar beet]]
# [[Sweet potato]]
# [[Taro]]
# [[Turnip]]
# [[Yam (vegetable)|Yam]]

Other vegetables (9 articles)
# [[Artichoke]]
# ''[[Asparagus]]''
# [[Broccoli]]
# [[Cauliflower]]
# [[Celery]]
# [[Chicory]]
# [[Coconut]]
# [[Kohlrabi]]
# [[Leek]]

Herbs and spices (20 articles)
# [[Anise]]
# [[Basil]]
# [[Black pepper]]
# [[Cardamom]]
# [[Cinnamon]]
# [[Clove]]
# [[Cumin]]
# [[Fennel]]
# [[Garlic]]
# [[Ginger]]
# [[Ginseng]]
# [[Horseradish]]
# ''[[Lavandula]]''
# [[Liquorice]]
# ''[[Mentha]]'' &lt;!--(Mint)--&gt;
# [[Nutmeg]]
# [[Parsley]]
# [[Saffron]]
# [[Thyme]]
# [[Vanilla]]
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Fungi (15 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Fungus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mushroom]]
# [[Yeast]]
## ''[[Saccharomyces cerevisiae]]''
# [[Ascomycota]]
# [[Basidiomycota]]
# [[Zygomycota]]

Edible fungi (6 articles)
# ''[[Agaricus]]''
# ''[[Boletus edulis]]''
# [[Chanterelle]]
# ''[[Pleurotus ostreatus]]''
# [[Shiitake]]
# [[Truffle]]

Poisonous fungi (2 articles)
# ''[[Amanita muscaria]]''
# ''[[Amanita phalloides]]'' &lt;!--(Death cap)--&gt;
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Other organisms (29 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Eukaryote]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Plankton]]
# [[Protist]]
# ''[[Paramecium]]''
# [[Prokaryote]]
## '''[[Archaea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Bacteria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cyanobacteria]]
### ''[[Escherichia coli]]'' &lt;!--(E. coli)--&gt;
### ''[[Salmonella]]''
### ''[[Staphylococcus aureus]]''
# [[Rhizaria]]
# [[Excavata]]
## [[Euglenozoa]]
# '''[[Algae]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Red algae]]
## [[Seaweed]]
# [[Chromalveolata]]
## [[Heterokont]]
### [[Brown algae]]
#### [[Kelp]]
### [[Diatom]]
## [[Haptophyte]]
## [[Cryptomonad]]
## [[Alveolate]]
### [[Dinoflagellate]]
# [[Lichen]]
# [[Amoebozoa]]
# [[Slime mold]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Health, medicine and disease&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Health, medicine and disease (276 articles)==

Health and fitness (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Health]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Mental health]]
# '''[[Nutrition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diet (nutrition)|Diet]]
## [[Dietary supplement]]
## [[Food group]]
## [[Hunger]]
## [[Malnutrition]]
## [[Vitamin]]
# '''[[Hygiene]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Bathing]]
## [[Feminine hygiene]]
## [[Oral hygiene]]
## [[Shaving]]
# [[Physical fitness]]
## [[Body mass index]] &lt;!--(BMI)--&gt;
## '''[[Exercise]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Obesity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Weight loss]]
# '''[[Ageing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Breastfeeding]]
# [[Fertilisation]]
## [[Infertility]]
# [[Occupational safety and health]]
# [[Stress (biology)]]
{{Div col end}}

Drugs and pharmacology (31 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Medication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Vaccine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Vaccination]]
### [[Smallpox vaccine]]
### [[Polio vaccine]]
## [[Prescription drug]]
## [[Amphetamine]]
## [[Analgesic]]
## '''[[Anesthesia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Antibiotic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Penicillin]]
## [[Aspirin]]
## [[Benzodiazepine]]
## [[Quinine]]
# '''[[Drug]]'''&lt;!-- for specific substances see chemical compounds --&gt;
## [[Alcohol (drug)]]
### [[Alcohol intoxication]]
## [[Tobacco]]
## [[Cannabis (drug)|Cannabis]]
## [[Opium]]
# [[Substance use disorder]]
## '''[[Addiction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Alcoholism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Smoking]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cigarette]]
## [[Substance dependence]]
# [[Pharmacology]]
## [[Pharmacokinetics]]
## [[Placebo]]
# [[Pharmacy]]
## [[Pharmacist]]
{{Div col end}}

Medicine (83 articles)
&lt;small&gt;See also &quot;Biology&quot; for e.g. anatomy&lt;/small&gt;
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General concepts (10 articles)
# '''[[Medicine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Emergency medical services]]
## [[First aid]]
## [[Health care]]
## [[Veterinary medicine]]
# '''[[Hospital]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Emergency department]]
## [[Psychiatric hospital]]
# [[Physician]]&lt;!--s and other professionals--&gt;
## [[Nursing]]

Human anatomy (13 articles)
# '''[[Human body]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arm]]
## [[Face]]
## [[Foot]]
## [[Hand]]
### [[Finger]]
## [[Human brain]]
## [[Human eye]]
## [[Gastrointestinal tract]]
## [[Human leg]]
## [[Human skeleton]]
## [[Human tooth]]
## [[Human voice]]

Dentistry (6 articles)
# '''[[Dentistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dental restoration]]
## [[Dentures]]
## [[Root canal]]
## [[Toothache]]
## [[Tooth decay]]
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Fields of medicine (30 articles)
# [[Alternative medicine]]
## [[Acupuncture]]
## [[Chiropractic]]
## [[Herbal medicine]]
## [[Homeopathy]]
# [[Angiology]]
# [[Cardiology]]
# [[Dermatology]]
# [[Gastroenterology]]
# [[Geriatrics]]
# [[Hematology]]
## [[Blood type]]
# [[Immunology]]
# [[Neurology]]
# [[Obstetrics and gynaecology]]
# [[Oncology]]
# [[Ophthalmology]]
# [[Otorhinolaryngology]]
# [[Pediatrics]]
# [[Psychiatry]]
# [[Public health]]
## [[Epidemiology]]
## [[Preventive healthcare]]
# [[Pulmonology]]
# [[Radiology]]
# [[Reproductive health]]
# [[Toxicology]]
# [[Traditional medicine]]
## [[Ayurveda]]
# [[Urology]]
{{Col-break}}

Medical procedures (24 articles)
# '''[[Surgery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amputation]]
## [[Organ transplantation]]
## [[Plastic surgery]]
# [[Medical diagnosis]]
# [[Medical test]]
# [[Palliative care]]
# [[Physical examination]]
## [[Autopsy]]
## [[Biopsy]]
## [[Blood pressure]]
## [[Blood test]]
## [[Blood transfusion]]
## [[Eye examination]]
## [[Lumbar puncture]]
## [[Pap test]]
## [[Pulse]]
## [[Reflex]]
# [[Sterilization (medicine)|Sterilization]]
# [[Therapy]]
## [[Chemotherapy]]
## [[Physical therapy]]
## [[Radiation therapy]]
## [[Symptomatic treatment]]
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Morbidity (137 articles)
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Non-infectious disease (24 articles)
# '''[[Disease]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Acne]]
# '''[[Allergy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alzheimer's disease]]
# [[Anemia]]
# [[Arthritis]]
# '''[[Asthma]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Autoimmune disease]]
# [[Bronchitis]]
# '''[[Cardiovascular disease]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hypertension]]
## [[Myocardial infarction]]
# [[Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease]] &lt;!--(emphysema)--&gt;
# [[Cirrhosis]]
# [[Dementia]]
# '''[[Diabetes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diarrhea]]
# [[Epilepsy]]
# [[Gout]]
# [[Hepatitis]]
# [[Meningitis]]
# [[Migraine]]
# [[Multiple sclerosis]]
# [[Parkinson's disease]]

Injury (19 articles)
# '''[[Injury]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Blunt trauma]]
## [[Bone fracture]]
## [[Bruise]]
## [[Burn]]
## [[Frostbite]]
## [[Wound]]
# [[Major trauma]]
## [[Aneurysm]]
## [[Brain damage]]
### [[Concussion]]
## [[Bleeding]]
## [[Cardiac arrest]]
## [[Hypothermia]]
## [[Hypoxia (medical)|Hypoxia]]
## [[Inflammation]]
## [[Respiratory failure]]
## [[Shock (circulatory)|Shock]]
## '''[[Stroke]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Foodborne illness (4 articles)
# [[Foodborne illness]]
# [[Botulism]]
# [[Mushroom poisoning]]
# [[Typhoid fever]]
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Infectious disease (48 articles)
# '''[[Infection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pathogen]]
## '''[[Virus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Coronavirus]]
### [[Human papillomavirus infection]]
### [[HIV]] &lt;!--(AIDS virus)--&gt;
### [[Tobacco mosaic virus]]
## [[Prion]]
# [[Anthrax]]
# [[Bubonic plague]]
# [[Chickenpox]]
# [[Cholera]]
# '''[[Common cold]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dengue fever]]
# [[Diphtheria]]
# [[Ebola]]
# [[Encephalitis]]
# [[Gangrene]]
# '''[[Gastroenteritis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dysentery]]
# [[Hand, foot, and mouth disease]]
# '''[[Influenza]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leprosy]]
# [[Lyme disease]]
# '''[[Malaria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Measles]]
# [[Mumps]]
# [[Mycosis]]
# '''[[Pneumonia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Polio]]
# [[Rabies]]
# [[Scabies]]
# [[Scarlet fever]]
# [[Severe acute respiratory syndrome]]
# '''[[Sexually transmitted infection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chlamydia]]
## [[Gonorrhea]]
## [[Herpes simplex]]
## '''[[HIV/AIDS]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Syphilis]]
# '''[[Smallpox]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tetanus]]
# [[Transmissible spongiform encephalopathy]]
# '''[[Tuberculosis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Typhus]]
# [[West Nile fever]]
# [[Whooping cough]]
# [[Yellow fever]]
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Disability (8 articles)
# [[Visual impairment]]
# [[Cerebral palsy]]
# [[Color blindness]]
# [[Down syndrome]]
# [[Dyslexia]]
# [[Hearing loss]]
# [[Intellectual disability]]
# [[Physical disability]]

Cancer (12 articles)
# '''[[Cancer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brain tumor]]
# [[Carcinogen]]
# [[Breast cancer]]
# [[Colorectal cancer]]
# [[Leukemia]]
# [[Lung cancer]]
# [[Lymphoma]]
# [[Neoplasm]]
# [[Prostate cancer]]
# [[Skin cancer]]
## [[Melanoma]]

Mental disorder (17 articles)
# '''[[Mental disorder]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Anorexia nervosa]]
# [[Anxiety disorder]]
## [[Phobia]]
## [[Post-traumatic stress disorder]]&lt;!--(PTSD)--&gt;
# [[Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder]]
# [[Autism spectrum]]
# [[Bipolar disorder]]
# [[Major depressive disorder]]
# [[Neurosis]]
# [[Pedophilia]]
# [[Personality disorder]]
## [[Psychopathy]]
# [[Psychosis]]
## [[Delusion]]
## [[Hallucination]]
# [[Schizophrenia]]

Miscellaneous (5 articles)
# [[Coma]]
## [[Persistent vegetative state]]
# [[Poison]]
## [[Toxicity]]
# [[Syndrome]]
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=Physical sciences (1,098 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (12 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[Scientific method]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Nature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Experiment]]
# [[Field research]]
# [[Laboratory]]
# [[Observation]]
# [[Scientific law]]
# [[Research]]
# [[Scientific modelling]]
# [[Scientific theory]]
# [[Scientist]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Measurement&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Measurement (69 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;This list contains units of measurement and articles on metrology. For the measured quantities (see the Science and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics|Mathematics]] sections. For timekeeping and navigation (see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Everyday_life|Everyday Life]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology|Technology]] sections. For measurement errors (see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics#Probability_and_statistics_.2841_articles.29|Statistics]] section in Mathematics.&lt;/small&gt;
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General (6 articles)
# '''[[Measurement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Accuracy and precision]]
# [[Metrology]]
# [[Unit of measurement]]
## [[Natural units]]
### [[Planck units]]
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Measurement systems (4 articles)
# [[Metric system]]
## '''[[International System of Units]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[United States customary units]]
# [[Imperial units]]
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Units of measurement (59 articles)
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Time (7 articles)
# [[Second]]
# [[Minute]]
# [[Hour]]
# '''[[Day]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Week]]
# [[Month]]
# '''[[Year]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Dimensional space (13 articles)
Length and distance (9 articles)
# [[Inch]]
# [[Foot (unit)|Foot]]
# [[Cubit]]
# [[Metre]]
# [[Mile]]
# [[Nautical mile]]
# [[Astronomical unit]]
# [[Light-year]]
# [[Parsec]]

Area (2 articles)
# [[Acre]]
# [[Hectare]]

Volume (2 articles)
# [[Gallon]]
# [[Litre]]
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Mechanics (12 articles)

Energy, force and pressure (6 articles)
# [[Standard atmosphere (unit)|Atmosphere]]
# [[Calorie]]
# [[Electronvolt]]
# [[Joule]]
# [[Newton (unit)|Newton]]
# [[Pascal (unit)|Pascal]]

Mass (5 articles)
# [[Dalton (unit)]]
# [[Kilogram]]
# [[Ton]]
# [[Pound (mass)|Pound]]
# [[Ounce]]

Velocity (1 article)
# [[Knot (unit)|Knot]]

Angle (3 articles)
# [[Degree (angle)|Degree]]
# [[Radian]]
# [[Steradian]]

Light (3 articles)
# [[Candela]]
# [[Lumen (unit)|Lumen]]
# [[Lux]]

Temperature (3 articles)
# [[Celsius]]
# [[Fahrenheit]]
# [[Kelvin]]
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Electromagnetism (11 articles)
# [[Ampere]]
# [[Farad]]
# [[Coulomb]]
# [[Henry (unit)|Henry]]
# [[Hertz]]
# [[Ohm]]
# [[Siemens (unit)|Siemens]]
# [[Tesla (unit)|Tesla]]
# [[Volt]]
# [[Watt]]
# [[Weber (unit)|Weber]]

Quantity (3 articles)

Amount of substance (1 article)
# [[Mole (unit)|Mole]]

Data (2 articles)
# [[Byte]]
# [[Bit]]

Radioactivity (3 articles)
# [[Becquerel]]
# [[Gray (unit)|Gray]]
# [[Sievert]]

Other (1 article)
# [[Decibel]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Astronomy&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Astronomy (194 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For astronomical instruments, see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Optical_technology_.2828_articles.29|Optical Technology]] section&lt;/small&gt;

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Basics (8 articles)
# '''[[Astronomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Astronomical object]]
# [[Astrophysics]]
# [[Extraterrestrial life]]
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Observational astronomy (4 articles)
# [[Observatory]]
# [[Luminosity]]
# [[Magnitude (astronomy)|Magnitude]]
# [[Extinction (astronomy)|Extinction]]
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Astronomical objects (61 articles)
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Solar System (25 articles)
# '''[[Solar System]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Sun]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Mercury (planet)|Mercury]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Venus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## '''[[Moon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mars]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Asteroid belt]]
## [[Ceres (dwarf planet)|Ceres]]
# '''[[Jupiter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Io (moon)|Io]]
## [[Europa (moon)|Europa]]
## [[Ganymede (moon)|Ganymede]]
## [[Callisto (moon)|Callisto]]
# '''[[Saturn]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Enceladus]]
## [[Titan (moon)|Titan]]
# '''[[Uranus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Neptune]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Triton (moon)|Triton]]
# [[Kuiper belt]]
## [[Pluto]]
## [[Eris (dwarf planet)|Eris]]
# [[Oort cloud]]
# [[Interplanetary medium]]
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Notable stars (10 articles)
# [[Alpha Centauri]]
# [[Arcturus]]
# [[Betelgeuse]]
# [[Canopus]]
# [[Capella]]
# [[Polaris]]
# [[Procyon]]
# [[Rigel]]
# [[Sirius]]
# [[Vega]]

Notable galaxies (12 articles)
# [[Local Group]]
## '''[[Milky Way]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Galactic Center]]
#### [[Sagittarius A*]]
## [[Andromeda Galaxy]]
## [[Large Magellanic Cloud]]
## [[Small Magellanic Cloud]]
## [[Triangulum Galaxy]]
# [[Centaurus A]]
# [[Messier 87]]
# [[Pinwheel Galaxy]]
# [[Whirlpool Galaxy]]
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Notable nebulae (6 articles)
# [[Carina Nebula]]
# [[Crab Nebula]]
# [[Eagle Nebula]]
# [[Horsehead Nebula]]
# [[Orion Nebula]]
# [[Ring Nebula]]

Other notable objects (8 articles)
# [[3C 273]]
# [[Cygnus X-1]]
# [[Halley's Comet]]
# [[Hyades (star cluster)|Hyades]]
# [[Omega Centauri]]
# [[Pleiades]]
# [[Virgo Supercluster]]
## [[Virgo Cluster]]
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Celestial mechanics and astrometry (37 articles)
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{{Col-break}}
Celestial mechanics (16 articles)
# [[Celestial mechanics]]
# '''[[Orbit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Barycenter]]
## [[Tidal locking]]
# [[Eclipse]]
## [[Lunar eclipse]]
## [[Solar eclipse]]
# [[Kepler's laws of planetary motion]]
# [[Lagrange point]]
# [[Night]]

Orbital mechanics (6 articles)
# [[Orbital mechanics]]
# [[Escape velocity]]
# [[Geostationary orbit]]
# [[Geosynchronous orbit]]
# [[Gravity assist]]
# [[Low Earth orbit]]
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Celestial sphere (8 articles)
# [[Celestial sphere]]
# [[Celestial coordinate system]]
## [[Equatorial coordinate system]]
# [[Equinox]]
# [[Ecliptic]]
# [[Horizon]]
# [[Solstice]]
# [[Zodiac]]

Constellations (8 articles)
# [[Constellation]]
## [[Canis Major]]
## [[Cassiopeia (constellation)|Cassiopeia]]
## [[Centaurus]]
## [[Crux]]
## [[Orion (constellation)|Orion]]
## [[Ursa Major]]
## [[Ursa Minor]]
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Astrometry (5 articles)
# [[Astrometry]]
# [[Albedo]]
# [[Cosmic distance ladder]]
# [[Parallax]]
# [[Photometry (astronomy)|Photometry]]
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Galactic astronomy and extragalactic astronomy (27 articles)
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Basics (15 articles)
# '''[[Outer space]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Galaxy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Black hole]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Event horizon]]
## [[Supermassive black hole]]
# [[Galaxy groups and clusters]]
## [[Supercluster]]
# [[Interstellar medium]]
# [[Nebula]]
# [[Dark nebula]]
# [[Molecular cloud]]
# [[Great Attractor]]
# [[H II region]]
# [[Void (astronomy)]]
# [[Cosmic ray]]
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Galaxy morphological classification (7 articles)
# [[Galaxy morphological classification]]
# [[Spiral galaxy]]
## [[Barred spiral galaxy]]
# [[Elliptical galaxy]]
# [[Lenticular galaxy]]
# [[Irregular galaxy]]
# [[Dwarf galaxy]]

Active galactic nucleus (5 articles)
# [[Active galactic nucleus]]
## [[Blazar]]
## [[Quasar]]
## [[Radio galaxy]]
## [[Seyfert galaxy]]
{{Col-end}}

Physical cosmology (16 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Physical cosmology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Universe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Observable universe]]
## [[Chronology of the universe]]
### [[Ultimate fate of the universe]]
# '''[[Big Bang]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inflation (cosmology)]]
## [[Cosmic microwave background]]
# [[Galaxy formation and evolution]]
# [[Formation and evolution of the Solar System]]
## [[Nebular hypothesis]]
# [[Dark matter]]
# [[Dark energy]]
## [[Cosmological constant]]
# [[Redshift]]
## [[Hubble's law]]
{{Div col end}}

Planetary science (14 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Planet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Terrestrial planet]]
## [[Giant planet]]
## [[Exoplanet]]
# '''[[Natural satellite]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Comet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Minor planet]]
## '''[[Asteroid]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dwarf planet]]
## [[Meteoroid]]
# [[Atmosphere]]
# [[Meteor shower]]
# [[Impact event]]
# [[Ring system]]
{{Div col end}}

Stellar astronomy (31 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Star]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Variable star]]
## '''[[Supernova]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Gamma-ray burst]]
## [[Nova]]
## [[Pulsar]]
## [[Cepheid variable]]
# [[Star system]]
## [[Planetary system]]
## [[Binary star]]
## [[Star cluster]]
# [[Stellar classification]]
# [[Stellar evolution]]
## [[Star formation]]
### [[Starburst galaxy]]
## [[Planetary nebula]]
## [[Protostar]]
## [[Main sequence]]
## [[Giant star]]
### [[Red giant]]
## [[Supergiant star]]
## [[Wolf–Rayet star]]
## [[White dwarf]]
## [[Neutron star]]
# [[Stellar kinematics]]
# [[Stellar magnetic field]]
# [[Stellar structure]]
# [[Solar wind]]
# [[Metallicity]]
# [[Brown dwarf]]
# [[Hertzsprung–Russell diagram]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Chemistry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Chemistry (270 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For biochemistry and chemical biology see the [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/Biology and health sciences|Biology and health sciences]] section; for chemical industry see the [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/Technology|Technology]] section&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=33%}}
General (23 articles)
# '''[[Chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Organic chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Inorganic chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Physical chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Electrochemistry]]
## [[Electrolysis]]
# [[Environmental chemistry]]
# [[Medicinal chemistry]]
# [[Nuclear chemistry]]
## [[Nuclide]]
# [[Organometallic chemistry]]
# [[Phase diagram]]
# [[Photochemistry]]
# [[Polymer chemistry]]
## [[Polymer]]
# [[Quantum chemistry]]
# [[Materials science]]
# [[Alchemy]]
# [[Chemical substance]]
## [[Amount of substance]]
# [[Chemical synthesis]]
# [[Conservation of mass]]
# [[pH]]
{{Col-break|width=34%}}

Chemical reactions (14 articles)
# '''[[Chemical reaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Acid–base reaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Catalysis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chemical equation]]
## [[Chemical equilibrium]]
## [[Chemical formula]]
## [[Chemical kinetics]]
## [[Combustion]]
## [[Corrosion]]
### '''[[Redox]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Haber process]]
## [[Radical (chemistry)|Radical]]
## [[Reaction mechanism]]
## [[Substitution reaction]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Chemical bonds (8 articles)
# '''[[Chemical bond]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Molecule]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ionic bonding]]
## [[Covalent bond]]
## [[Metallic bonding]]
## [[Intermolecular force]]
### [[Hydrogen bond]]
## [[Valence bond theory]]

Separation processes (3 articles)
# [[Chromatography]]
# [[Distillation]]
# [[Filtration]]

Analytical chemistry (4 articles)
# [[Analytical chemistry]]
# [[Spectroscopy]]
## [[Absorption spectroscopy]]
# [[Mass spectrometry]]
{{Col-end}}

Chemical substances (218 articles)

Chemical elements (117 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Chemical element]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Periodic table]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Allotropy]]
# [[Atomic number]]
# [[Atomic mass]]

Chemical element groups (10 articles)
# '''[[Metal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alkali metal]]
# [[Alkaline earth metal]]
# [[Lanthanide]]
# [[Actinide]]
# [[Transition metal]]
# [[Metalloid]]
# [[Halogen]]
# [[Noble gas]]
# [[Synthetic element]]

Chemical elements (102 articles)
&lt;!--  ;1-st period //--&gt;
# '''[[Hydrogen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Helium]]
&lt;!-- ;2-nd period //--&gt;
# [[Lithium]]
# [[Beryllium]]
# [[Boron]]
# '''[[Carbon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diamond]]
## [[Graphite]]
## [[Carbon nanotube]]
# '''[[Nitrogen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Oxygen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ozone]]
# [[Fluorine]]
# [[Neon]]
&lt;!-- ;3 period //--&gt;
# [[Sodium]]
# [[Magnesium]]
# '''[[Aluminium]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Silicon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Phosphorus]]
# [[Sulfur]]
# [[Chlorine]]
# [[Argon]]
&lt;!-- ;4 period //--&gt;
# [[Potassium]]
# [[Calcium]]
# [[Scandium]]
# [[Titanium]]
# [[Vanadium]]
# [[Chromium]]
# [[Manganese]]
# '''[[Iron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cobalt]]
# [[Nickel]]
# '''[[Copper]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Zinc]]
# [[Gallium]]
# [[Germanium]]
# [[Arsenic]]
# [[Selenium]]
# [[Bromine]]
# [[Krypton]]
&lt;!-- ;5 period //--&gt;
# [[Rubidium]]
# [[Strontium]]
# [[Yttrium]]
# [[Zirconium]]
# [[Niobium]]
# [[Molybdenum]]
# [[Technetium]]
# [[Ruthenium]]
# [[Rhodium]]
# [[Palladium]]
# '''[[Silver]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cadmium]]
# [[Indium]]
# [[Tin]]
# [[Antimony]]
# [[Tellurium]]
# [[Iodine]]
# [[Xenon]]
&lt;!-- ;6 period //--&gt;
# [[Caesium]]
# [[Barium]]
# [[Lanthanum]]
# [[Cerium]]
# [[Praseodymium]]
# [[Neodymium]]
# [[Promethium]]
# [[Samarium]]
# [[Europium]]
# [[Gadolinium]]
# [[Terbium]]
# [[Dysprosium]]
# [[Holmium]]
# [[Erbium]]
# [[Thulium]]
# [[Ytterbium]]
# [[Lutetium]]
# [[Hafnium]]
# [[Tantalum]]
# [[Tungsten]]
# [[Rhenium]]
# [[Osmium]]
# [[Iridium]]
# [[Platinum]]
# '''[[Gold]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mercury (element)]]
# [[Thallium]]
# [[Lead]]
# [[Bismuth]]
# [[Polonium]]
# [[Astatine]]
# [[Radon]]
&lt;!-- ;7 period //--&gt;
# [[Francium]]
# [[Radium]]
# [[Actinium]]
# [[Thorium]]
# [[Protactinium]]
# [[Uranium]]
# [[Neptunium]]
# [[Plutonium]]
# [[Americium]]
# [[Curium]]
# [[Berkelium]]
# [[Californium]]
{{Div col end}}

Chemical compounds (83 articles)

General (3 articles)
# '''[[Chemical compound]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inorganic compound]]
## [[Organic compound]]


Inorganic compounds (21 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Water]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Properties of water]]
## [[Ice]]
## [[Water vapor]]
# [[Acid]]
## [[Boric acid]]
## [[Hydrochloric acid]]
## [[Hydrofluoric acid]]
## [[Nitric acid]]
## [[Phosphoric acid]]
## [[Sulfuric acid]]
# [[Base (chemistry)|Base]]
## [[Ammonia]]
## [[Potassium hydroxide]]
## [[Sodium hydroxide]]
# [[Oxide]]
## '''[[Carbon dioxide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Carbon monoxide]]
## [[Titanium dioxide]]
# [[Hydrogen peroxide]]
# [[Cyanide]]

Salts (19 articles)
# [[Salt (chemistry)]]
# [[Carbonate]]
## [[Calcium carbonate]]
## [[Sodium bicarbonate]]
## [[Sodium carbonate]]
# [[Chloride]]
## [[Calcium chloride]]
## [[Polyvinyl chloride]]
## [[Sodium chloride]]
# [[Nitrate]]
## [[Ammonium nitrate]]
## [[Potassium nitrate]]
## [[Sodium nitrate]]
# [[Sulfate]]
## [[Alum]]
## [[Sodium sulfate]]
## [[Ammonium sulfate]]
## [[Magnesium sulfate]]
# [[Sodium silicate]]
{{Div col end}}


Organic compounds (6 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Haloalkane]]
# [[Organophosphorus compound]]
# [[Organosilicon]]
## [[Silicone]]
# [[Organosulfur compounds]]
## [[Thiol]]

Carbon–nitrogen bond (4 articles)
# [[Amide]]
## [[Urea]]
## [[Nylon]]
# [[Amine]]

Carbon–oxygen bond (16 articles)
# [[Alcohol]]
## [[Ethanol]]
## [[Methanol]]
# [[Aldehyde]]
## [[Formaldehyde]]
# [[Carboxylic acid]]
## [[Acetic acid]]
## [[Citric acid]]
## [[Lactic acid]]
# [[Ester]]
## [[Polyester]]
# [[Ether]]
# [[Ketone]]
## [[Acetone]]
# [[Phenol]]
## [[Tannin]]

Hydrocarbons (14 articles)
# [[Hydrocarbon]]
# [[Alkane]]
## [[Butane]]
## [[Ethane]]
## [[Methane]]
## [[Propane]]
# [[Alkene]]
## [[Ethylene]]
### [[Polyethylene]]
## [[Propene]]
### [[Polypropylene]]
# [[Aromatic hydrocarbon]]
## [[Benzene]]
# [[Alkyne]]
{{Div col end}}

Chemical mixtures (18 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (12 articles)
# '''[[Alloy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mixture]]
# [[Aerosol]]
# [[Amalgam (chemistry)|Amalgam]]
# [[Colloid]]
# [[Dispersion (chemistry)|Dispersion]]
# [[Emulsion]]
# [[Foam]]
# [[Gel]]
# [[Solution]]
# [[Suspension (chemistry)|Suspension]]
# [[Syngas]]

Specific alloys (6 articles)
# [[Brass]]
# '''[[Bronze]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cast iron]]
# '''[[Steel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Stainless steel]]
# [[Wrought iron]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Earth science&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Earth science (260 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For specific geographical objects see Geography&lt;/small&gt;

Basics (2 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Earth science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Natural resource]]
{{Div col end}}

Natural disasters (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Natural disaster]]
# '''[[Earthquake]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Flood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Drought]]
# [[Avalanche]]
# [[Landslide]]
# [[Tsunami]]
# [[Wildfire]]
{{Div col end}}

Earth (163 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (1 article)
# '''[[Structure of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Geology (52 articles)
# '''[[Geology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Plate tectonics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Fold (geology)|Fold]]
# [[Stratigraphic unit]]
# [[Meteorite]]
## [[Impact crater]]
# [[Lithosphere]]
## [[Crust (geology)|Crust]]
## [[Fault (geology)|Fault]]
# [[Stratigraphy]]
# [[Thrust fault]]

Mineralogy (12 articles)
# '''[[Mineral]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mineralogy]]
# [[Gemstone]]
# [[Feldspar]]
# [[Kaolinite]]
# [[Pyroxene]]
# [[Quartz]]
# [[Silicate]]
# [[Talc]]
# [[Mica]]
# [[Gypsum]]
# [[Asbestos]]
Mineral gemstones (4 articles)
# [[Emerald]]
# [[Jade]]
# [[Sapphire]]
# [[Ruby]]
Organic gemstones (3 articles)
# [[Amber]]
# [[Ivory]]
# [[Pearl]]


Petrology (22 articles)
# [[Petrology]]
# '''[[Rock (geology)|Rock]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Igneous rock]]
## [[Basalt]]
## [[Granite]]
## [[Magma]]
## [[Tuff]]
# [[Sedimentary rock]]
## [[Limestone]]
## [[Clay]]
## [[Sand]]
## [[Oil shale]]
## [[Sandstone]]
## [[Bauxite]]
# [[Metamorphic rock]]
## [[Schist]]
## [[Marble]]
## [[Gneiss]]
## [[Slate]]
# [[Conglomerate (geology)|Conglomerate]]
# [[Breccia]]
# [[Gravel]]

Geophysics (7 articles)
# [[Geophysics]]
# [[Geodesy]]
# [[Earth's inner core]]
# [[Earth's magnetic field]]
# [[Earth's outer core]]
# [[Mantle (geology)|Mantle]]
# [[Seismology]]
{{Col-break}}

Geomorphology (50 articles)
# [[Geomorphology]]
# '''[[Erosion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Weathering]]

Landforms (11 articles)
# [[Landform]]
# '''[[Land]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Continent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mountain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mountain range]]
# [[Hill]]
# [[Valley]]
# [[Plateau]]
# [[Mesa]]
# [[Plain]]
# [[Sedimentary basin]]
Fluvial landforms (9 articles)
# [[Alluvial fan]]
# [[Beach]]
# [[Canyon]]
# [[Cliff]]
# [[Floodplain]]
# [[Meander]]
# [[Oasis]]
# [[Rapids]]
# [[Waterfall]]
Glacial landforms (3 articles)
# [[Glacial landform]]
# [[Fjord]]
# [[Moraine]]
Caves (2 articles)
# [[Cave]]
# [[Karst]]
Oceanic and coastal landforms (12 articles)
# [[Abyssal plain]]
# [[Archipelago]]
# [[Bay]]
# [[Coast]]
# [[Continental shelf]]
# [[Coral reef]]
## [[Atoll]]
# [[Lagoon]]
# [[Oceanic trench]]
# [[Peninsula]]
# '''[[Island]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seamount]]
Volcanic landforms (5 articles)
# '''[[Volcano]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Geyser]]
# [[Hotspot (geology)|Hotspot]]
# [[Lava]]
# [[Mid-ocean ridge]]
Aeolian landforms (2 articles)
# [[Aeolian processes]]
# [[Dune]]
Artificial landforms (3 articles)
# [[Artificial island]]
# [[Land reclamation]]
# [[Polder]]
{{Col-break}}

Geological history (26 articles)
# '''[[History of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Geological history of Earth]]
# [[Geochronology]]
# [[Geologic time scale]]
# [[Great Oxidation Event]]
# [[Cambrian explosion]]
# [[Extinction event]]
## [[Ordovician–Silurian extinction events]]
## [[Late Devonian extinction]]
## [[Permian–Triassic extinction event]]
## [[Triassic–Jurassic extinction event]]
## [[Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event]]
# [[Ice age]]
# [[Pangaea]]

Geological periods (12 articles)
# [[Precambrian]]
# [[Phanerozoic]]
## [[Paleozoic]]
### [[Cambrian]]
### [[Permian]]
## [[Mesozoic]]
### [[Triassic]]
### [[Jurassic]]
### [[Cretaceous]]
## [[Cenozoic]]
### [[Quaternary]]
### [[Holocene]]

Biomes (20 articles)
# '''[[Desert]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tundra]]
# [[Heath]]
# [[Moorland]]

Forests (7 articles)
# '''[[Forest]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jungle]]
# [[Mangrove]]
# [[Taiga]]
# [[Rainforest]]
## [[Tropical rainforest]]
# [[Temperate broadleaf and mixed forests]]

Grasslands (5 articles)
# '''[[Grassland]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Meadow]]
# [[Prairie]]
# [[Savanna]]
# [[Steppe]]

Wetlands (4 articles)
# [[Wetland]]
# [[Swamp]]
# [[Marsh]]
# [[Bog]]

Pedology (7 articles)
# '''[[Soil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Peat]]
# [[Pedogenesis]]
# [[Pedosphere]]
# [[Sediment]]
# [[Soil fertility]]
# [[Soil science]]
{{Col-end}}

Air (58 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Atmosphere (9 articles)
# '''[[Atmosphere of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Air mass]]
# [[Atmospheric pressure]]
# [[Atmospheric science]]
# [[Ozone depletion]]

Atmospheric optics (4 articles)
# [[Aurora]]
# [[Mirage]]
# [[Rainbow]]
# [[Sky]]

Climatology (8 articles)
# [[Climatology]]
# '''[[Climate]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Climate change]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Climate variability and change]]
# [[El Niño–Southern Oscillation]]
# [[Köppen climate classification]]
# [[Temperate climate]]
# [[Tropical climate]]
{{Col-break}}

Meteorology (41 articles)
General (6 articles)
# [[Meteorology]]
# '''[[Weather]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Weather front]]
# [[Weather forecasting]]
# [[Humidity]]
# [[Low-pressure area]]

Clouds (5 articles)
# '''[[Cloud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cirrus cloud]]
# [[Cumulonimbus cloud]]
# [[Cumulus cloud]]
# [[Fog]]

Precipitation (7 articles)
# [[Precipitation]]
# '''[[Rain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Snow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Acid rain]]
# [[Hail]]
# [[Dew]]
# [[Frost]]

Seasons (5 articles)
# '''[[Season]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Spring (season)]]
# [[Summer]]
# [[Autumn]]
# [[Winter]]
{{Col-break}}

Atmospheric circulation (7 articles)
# [[Atmospheric circulation]]
# [[Anticyclone]]
# [[Cyclone]]
# [[Extratropical cyclone]]
# [[Hadley cell]]
# [[Polar vortex]]
# [[Walker circulation]]

Storms (7 articles)
# [[Storm]]
# '''[[Tornado]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Tropical cyclone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Blizzard]]
# [[Dust storm]]
# [[Lightning]]
# [[Thunderstorm]]

Winds (4 articles)
# '''[[Wind]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jet stream]]
# [[Monsoon]]
# [[Trade winds]]
{{Col-end}}

Water (29 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (2 articles)
# [[Hydrosphere]]
# [[Cryosphere]]

Glaciology (6 articles)
# '''[[Glacier]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ice sheet]]
# [[Ice shelf]]
# [[Iceberg]]
# [[Sea ice]]
# [[Permafrost]]
{{Col-break}}

Oceanography (8 articles)
# [[Oceanography]]
# '''[[Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Ocean]]
# [[Tide]]
# [[Sea level]]
# [[Seabed]]
# [[Ocean current]]
# [[Thermohaline circulation]]
{{Col-break}}

Hydrology (13 articles)
# [[Hydrology]]
# [[Water cycle]]
# [[Groundwater]]
## [[Spring (hydrology)]]
# [[Hydrography]]
# [[Limnology]]
# '''[[Lake]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dry lake]]
## [[Pond]]
# '''[[River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Drainage basin]]
## [[Estuary]]
## [[River delta]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Physics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Physics (293 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (23 articles)
# '''[[Physics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Atom]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Time]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Conservation of energy]]
# '''[[Matter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Space]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vacuum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Force]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Electromagnetism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Gravity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Strong interaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Weak interaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Spacetime]]
# [[Mass–energy equivalence]]
# [[Quantum gravity]]
# [[Radiation]]
## [[Ionizing radiation]]
# [[Field (physics)]]
## [[Flux]]
# [[Gauge theory]]
# [[Symmetry (physics)]]
# [[Theoretical physics]]
{{Div col end}}

Atomic, molecular and optical physics (23 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Atomic physics (13 articles)
# [[Atomic physics]]
# [[Atomic nucleus]]
# [[Atomic orbital]]
# [[Atomic theory]]
# [[Binding energy]]
# [[Bohr model]]
# [[Bremsstrahlung]]
# [[Electron configuration]]
# [[Electron shell]]
# [[Energy level]]
# [[Geiger–Marsden experiment]]
# [[Ion]]
# [[Isotope]]
{{Col-break}}

Molecular physics (2 articles)
# [[Molecular orbital]]
# [[Molecular orbital theory]]

Optics (8 articles)
# '''[[Optics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Focus (optics)|Focus]]
## [[Focal length]]
# [[Polarization (waves)|Polarization]]
# [[Reflection (physics)|Reflection]]
# [[Refraction]]
## [[Refractive index]]
# [[Transparency and translucency]]
{{Col-end}}

&lt;span id=&quot;Color&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Color (17 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (6 articles)
# '''[[Color]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[CMYK color model]]
# [[Color theory]]
## [[Primary color]]
# [[Gloss (optics)]]
# [[RGB color model]]
{{Col-break}}

Color terms (11 articles)
# [[White]]
# [[Black]]
# [[Grey]]
# [[Red]]
# [[Orange (colour)|Orange]]
# [[Yellow]]
# [[Green]]
# [[Blue]]
# [[Pink]]
# [[Purple]]
# [[Brown]]
{{Col-end}}

Condensed matter physics (25 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (3 articles)
# [[Condensed matter physics]]
# [[Solid-state physics]]
# [[Amorphous solid]]

Crystallography (3 articles)
# [[Crystallography]]
# [[Crystal]]
# [[Crystallization]]
{{Col-break}}

States of matter (8 articles)
# '''[[State of matter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Solid]]
# [[Liquid]]
# [[Gas]]
## [[Vapor]]
# [[Plasma (physics)|Plasma]]
# [[Degenerate matter]]
# [[Bose–Einstein condensate]]
{{Col-break}}

Phase transitions (11 articles)
# [[Phase transition]]
# [[Phase (matter)|Phase]]
# [[Boiling]]
# [[Melting]]
# [[Freezing]]
# [[Evaporation]]
# [[Condensation]]
# [[Ionization]]
# [[Sublimation (phase transition)|Sublimation]]
# [[Critical point (thermodynamics)|Critical point]]
# [[Triple point]]
{{Col-end}}

Electromagnetism (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# '''[[Electricity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Magnetism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ferromagnetism]]
# [[Magnet]]
## [[Electromagnet]]
# [[Dielectric]]
# [[Dipole]]
# [[Metamaterial]]
# [[Oil drop experiment]]
# [[Photoelectric effect]]

Electrostatics (5 articles)
# [[Electrostatics]]
# [[Coulomb's law]]
# [[Electric charge]]
# [[Electric field]]
# [[Electric potential]]
{{Col-break}}

Electrodynamics (15 articles)
# '''[[Electromagnetic radiation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electromagnetic spectrum]]
## [[Radio wave]]
## [[Microwave]]
## [[Infrared]]
## [[Visible spectrum]]
## [[Ultraviolet]]
## [[X-ray]]
## [[Fluorescence]]
# [[Electromagnetic field]]
# [[Electromagnetic induction]]
# [[Electromotive force]]
# [[Lorentz force]]
# [[Eddy current]]
# [[Maxwell's equations]]
{{Col-break}}

Magnetism (2 articles)
# [[Magnetic field]]
# [[Magnetostatics]]

Electrical circuits (13 articles)
# [[Electric current]]
## [[Alternating current]]
## [[Direct current]]
# [[Electrical network]]
# [[Electrical impedance]]
# [[Electrical resistance and conductance]]
# [[Capacitance]]
## [[Ohm's law]]
# [[Semiconductor]]
# [[Superconductivity]]
# [[Gain (electronics)]]
# [[Inductance]]
# [[Kirchhoff's circuit laws]]
{{Col-end}}

Mechanics (77 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# [[Mechanics]]
## [[Ballistics]]
## [[Continuum mechanics]]
## [[Dynamics (mechanics)|Dynamics]]
## [[Kinematics]]
## [[Relativistic mechanics]]
## [[Statics]]
# [[Oscillation]]
## [[Harmonic oscillator]]
### [[Simple harmonic motion]]

Quantum mechanics (11 articles)
# '''[[Quantum mechanics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pauli exclusion principle]]
# [[Quantum chromodynamics]]
# [[Quantum electrodynamics]]
# [[Quantum entanglement]]
# [[Quantum field theory]]
# [[Quantum tunnelling]]
# [[Schrödinger equation]]
# [[Uncertainty principle]]
# [[Wave function]]
# [[Wave–particle duality]]
{{Col-break}}

Classical mechanics (29 articles)
# '''[[Classical mechanics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hamiltonian mechanics]]
## [[Lagrangian mechanics]]
# '''[[Mass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Density]]
# '''[[Momentum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Motion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Newton's laws of motion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Speed]]
## [[Acceleration]]
## [[Velocity]]
## [[Equations of motion]]
# [[Kinetic energy]]
# [[Potential energy]]
# [[Inertia]]
# [[Moment of inertia]]
# [[Friction]]
# [[Impulse (physics)|Impulse]]
# [[Power (physics)|Power]]
# [[Work (physics)|Work]]
# [[Rotation]]
## [[Angular momentum]]
## [[Centripetal force]]
## [[Coriolis force]]
# [[Torque]]
# [[Weight]]
## [[Weighing scale]]
# [[Frame of reference]]
# [[Newton's law of universal gravitation]]
{{Col-break}}

Fluid mechanics (16 articles)
# [[Fluid mechanics]]
# [[Fluid dynamics]]
## [[Aerodynamics]]
# [[Bernoulli's principle]]
# [[Buoyancy]]
# [[Convection]]
# [[Drag (physics)|Drag]]
# [[Diffusion]]
# [[Flight]]
# [[Lift (force)]]
# [[Navier–Stokes equations]]
# [[Osmosis]]
# [[Reynolds number]]
# [[Surface tension]]
# [[Turbulence]]
# [[Viscosity]]

Solid mechanics (10 articles)
# [[Solid mechanics]]
# [[Deformation (engineering)|Deformation]]
# [[Elastic modulus]]
# [[Elasticity (physics)|Elasticity]]
# [[Fatigue (material)|Fatigue]]
# [[Hooke's law]]
# [[Plasticity (physics)|Plasticity]]
# [[Stiffness]]
# [[Strength of materials]]
# [[Stress (mechanics)]]

Statistical mechanics (1 article)
# [[Statistical mechanics]]
{{Col-end}}

Nuclear physics (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# [[Nuclear physics]]
# [[Nuclear fission]]
# [[Nuclear fusion]]
# [[Nucleosynthesis]]
# '''[[Radioactive decay]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Alpha particle]]
## [[Beta particle]]
## [[Gamma ray]]
{{Div col end}}

Particle physics (35 articles)
{{col-begin}}
{{col-break}}
General (13 articles)
# '''[[Particle physics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Standard Model]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Physics beyond the Standard Model]]
## [[String theory]]
## [[Supersymmetry]]
# [[Particle]]
# [[Particle accelerator]]
## [[Large Hadron Collider]]
## [[Tevatron]]
# [[Particle detector]]
# [[Cloud chamber]]
# [[Scattering]]
# [[Spin (physics)|Spin]]
{{col-break}}

Subatomic particles (19 articles)
# '''[[Subatomic particle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Fermions (12 articles)
# [[Fermion]]
# [[Lepton]]
## '''[[Electron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Muon]]
## [[Tau (particle)|Tau]]
## [[Neutrino]]
# [[Quark]]
# [[Hadron]]
## [[Baryon]]
### '''[[Neutron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Proton]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Meson]]
{{col-break}}


Bosons (6 articles)
# [[Boson]]
# [[Gauge boson]]
## '''[[Photon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gluon]]
## [[W and Z bosons]]
# [[Higgs boson]]

Antimatter (3 articles)
# [[Antimatter]]
# [[Antiparticle]]
## [[Positron]]
{{col-end}}

Theory of relativity (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Theory of relativity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[General relativity]]
# [[Special relativity]]
# [[Principle of relativity]]
# [[Equivalence principle]]
# [[Gravitational wave]]
# [[Lorentz transformation]]
# [[Michelson–Morley experiment]]
{{Div col end}}

Thermodynamics (15 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Thermodynamics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Heat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Temperature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Absolute zero]]
# [[Pressure]]
# [[Laws of thermodynamics]]
# [[Heat capacity]]
# [[Heat transfer]]
# [[Entropy]]
# [[Enthalpy]]
# [[Black-body radiation]]
# [[Internal energy]]
# [[Thermodynamic cycle]]
# [[Thermodynamic free energy]]
# [[Ideal gas law]]
{{Div col end}}

Waves (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Wave]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Speed of light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Acoustics]]
## '''[[Sound]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Speed of sound]]
## [[Ultrasound]]
# [[Amplitude]]
# [[Frequency]]
# [[Wavelength]]
# [[Diffraction]]
# [[Doppler effect]]
# [[Wave interference]]
# [[Noise]]
# [[Resonance]]
# [[Superposition principle]]
# [[Wave equation]]
{{Div col end}}
=Technology (745 articles)=
==Basics (1 article)==
# '''[[Technology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])

==&lt;span id=&quot;Agriculture&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Agriculture (34 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (1 article)
# [[Agricultural science]]

Forms (12 articles)
# [[Aquaculture]]
# [[Beekeeping]]
# [[Dairy]]
# [[Extensive farming]]
# [[Gardening]]
# [[Intensive farming]]
# [[Orchard]]
# [[Organic farming]]
# [[Sustainable agriculture]]
## [[Permaculture]]
# [[Subsistence agriculture]]
# [[Urban agriculture]]
{{Col-break|width=38%}}

Buildings and infrastructure (6 articles)
# '''[[Garden]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Farm]]
# [[Barn]]
# [[Stable]]
# [[Silo]]
# [[Granary]]

Animal husbandry (6 articles)
# '''[[Animal husbandry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Domestication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Selective breeding]]
# [[Breed]]
# [[Livestock]]
# [[Hay]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Agronomy and horticulture (9 articles)
Basics (4 articles)
# [[Agronomy]]
# [[Horticulture]]
# [[Plant breeding]]
## [[Cultivar]]

Horticultural techniques (5 articles)
# '''[[Fertilizer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Harvest]]
# [[Irrigation]]
# [[Pesticide]]
# [[Tillage]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biotechnology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biotechnology (7 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=30em}}
# '''[[Biotechnology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Genetic engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Genetically modified organism]]
# [[Cybernetics]]
# [[Cloning]]
# [[Gel electrophoresis]]
# [[Polymerase chain reaction]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Computing and information technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Computing and information technology (75 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For topics in theoretical computer science, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics#Discrete_mathematics_.2836_articles.29|Mathematics: Discrete mathematics]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=34%}}
Basics (8 articles)
# [[Computing]]
# [[Information technology]]
# [[Abacus]]
# [[Calculator]]
# [[Computer security]]
## [[Computer virus]]
# [[Data (computing)|Data]]
## [[Data transmission]]

Computer science (5 articles)
# '''[[Computer science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Artificial intelligence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Computer architecture]]
# [[Computer simulation]]
# [[Parallel computing]]

Computer hardware (5 articles)
# [[Computer hardware]]
# '''[[Computer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Booting]]
# [[Central processing unit]]
# [[ENIAC]]

Computer software (6 articles)
# [[Software]]
# [[Database]]
# [[Open-source software]]
# [[Spreadsheet]]
# [[Web browser]]
# [[Word processor]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Operating systems (8 articles)
# [[Operating system]]
# [[Android (operating system)|Android]]
# [[iOS]]
# [[Linux]]
# [[Macintosh operating systems]]
# [[Microsoft Windows]]
# [[MS-DOS]]
# [[Unix]]

User interface (5 articles)
# [[User interface]]
# [[Computer keyboard]]
# [[Computer monitor]]
# [[Computer mouse|Mouse (computing)]]
# [[Touchscreen]]

Cryptography (3 articles)
# '''[[Cryptography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Authentication]]
# [[Encryption]]

Data storage (11 articles)
# [[Computer file]]
## [[File system]]
# [[Barcode]]
# [[Data storage]]
# [[Hard disk drive]]
# [[Magnetic tape]]
# [[Memory card]]
# [[Optical disc]]
# [[Random-access memory]]
## [[Dynamic random-access memory]]
# [[Read-only memory]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Networks (5 articles)
# [[Computer network]]
# [[Email]]
# [[Ethernet]]
# [[Router (computing)|Router]]
# [[Wi-Fi]]

Internet (7 articles)
# '''[[Internet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[HTML]]
# [[Hypertext Transfer Protocol]]
# [[Internet protocol suite]]
# [[Web search engine]]
# [[Website]]
# [[World Wide Web]]

Programming (12 articles)
# [[Computer programming]]
# [[Character encoding]]
# [[Compiler]]
# [[Programming language]]
## [[Assembly language]]
## [[C (programming language)|C]]
## [[Java (programming language)]]
## [[JavaScript]]
# [[Programming paradigm]]
## [[Functional programming]]
## [[Structured programming]]
### [[Object-oriented programming]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Electronics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Electronics (33 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
Basics (8 articles)
# '''[[Electronics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Consumer electronics]]
# [[Sensor]]
# [[Signal processing]]
## [[Signal-to-noise ratio]]
# [[Circuit design]]
# [[Oscilloscope]]
# [[Remote control]]

Components (25 articles)
# '''[[Semiconductor device]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Transistor]]
## [[Diode]]
### [[Light-emitting diode]]
# '''[[Integrated circuit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Electric battery|Battery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Amplifier]]
# [[Antenna (radio)|Antenna]]
# [[Capacitor]]
# [[Cavity magnetron]]
# [[Electrical connector]]
# [[Filter (signal processing)|Filter]]
## [[Mechanical filter]]
# [[Inductor]]
# [[Power supply]]
# [[Printed circuit board]]
# [[Resistor]]
# [[Switch]]
## [[Circuit breaker]]
## [[Fuse (electrical)|Fuse]]
## [[Relay]]
# [[Transformer]]
# [[Vacuum tube]]
# [[Waveguide]]
# [[Wire]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Engineering&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Engineering (15 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
Basics (4 articles)
# '''[[Engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Nanotechnology]]
# [[Nuclear technology]]
# [[Technical drawing]]

Disciplines (11 articles)
# '''[[Civil engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mechanical engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aerospace engineering]]
# [[Architectural engineering]]
# [[Automotive engineering]]
# [[Biomedical engineering]]
# [[Chemical engineering]]
# [[Electrical engineering]]
# [[Industrial engineering]]
# [[Military engineering]]
# [[Software engineering]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Industry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Industry (101 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;''See also: &quot;Industry&quot; in [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Society_and_social_sciences#Business_and_economics_.28117_articles.29|Business and economics]]''&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=32%}}
Basics (12 articles)
# [[Factory]]
## [[Assembly line]]
## [[Automation]]
## [[Industrial robot]]
## [[Interchangeable parts]]
## [[Mass production]]
## [[Mechanization]]
# [[Standardization]]
# [[Waste]]
## [[Landfill]]
## [[Recycling]]
## [[Waste management]]

Energy and fuel (38 articles)
# '''[[Fire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Candle]]
# [[Fuel]]
# [[Biofuel]]
## [[Charcoal]]
# '''[[Fossil fuel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Coal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Natural gas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Petroleum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Gasoline]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Kerosene]]
### [[Oil refinery]]
### [[Oil well]]
# '''[[Nuclear power]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Renewable energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Geothermal power]]
## '''[[Hydropower]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Hydroelectricity]]
### [[Watermill]]
## '''[[Solar energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Solar power]]
### [[Solar cell]]
## '''[[Wind power]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Windmill]]
{{Col-break|width=36%}}

Electricity generation and distribution (14 articles)
&lt;small&gt;''See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences#Electromagnetism_.2811_articles.29|Electromagnetism]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences#Electromagnetism_.2840_articles.29|Electromagnetism]]''&lt;/small&gt;

# '''[[Electric light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Incandescent light bulb]]
# [[Electric power transmission]]
# [[Electric power distribution]]
# [[Electrical grid]]
# [[Electric generator]]
# [[Electricity generation]]
# [[Electrification]]
# [[Power station]]
# [[Turbine]]
## [[Gas turbine]]
## [[Steam turbine]]
## [[Wind turbine]]
# [[Cooling tower]]

Food, water and health (18 articles)
# [[Bleach]]
# [[Desalination]]
# [[Detergent]]
# [[Laundry]]
# [[Pasteurization]]
# '''[[Refrigeration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sanitation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sanitary sewer]]
## [[Sewage treatment]]
## [[Water purification]]
# [[Soap]]
# [[Water supply network]]
## [[Aqueduct (water supply)|Aqueduct]]
## [[Plumbing]]
## [[Qanat]]
## [[Pumping station]]
## [[Water tower]]
## [[Well]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Material and chemical (20 articles)
# [[Abrasive]]
# [[Adhesive]]
# [[Ceramic]]
# [[Chemical plant]]
# [[Composite material]]
# '''[[Explosive]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dynamite]]
## [[Fireworks]]
# '''[[Glass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Natural rubber]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Paper]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Parchment]]
# [[Papyrus]]
# [[Petrochemical]]
# '''[[Plastic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Pottery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Porcelain]]
# '''[[Wood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Woodworking]]
## [[Carpentry]]

Metallurgy (13 articles)
# '''[[Metallurgy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Smelting]]
# [[Metalworking]]
## [[Die casting]]
## [[Extrusion]]
## [[Forging]]
## [[Heat treating]]
## [[Laser cutting]]
## [[Rolling (metalworking)|Rolling]]
## [[Soldering]]
## [[Steelmaking]]
## [[Welding]]
# [[Ore]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Infrastructure&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Infrastructure (70 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Arts: Architecture &lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=32%}}
Basics (2 articles)
# '''[[Infrastructure]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Building]]

Building materials (7 articles)
# '''[[Concrete]]''' ([[WP:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Masonry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Brick]]
## [[Quarry]]
# [[Cement]]
# [[Lumber]]
# [[Scaffolding]]

Infrastructure by type (61 articles)

Architectural elements (16 articles)
# [[Arch]]
# [[Ceiling]]
# [[Column]]
# [[Dome]]
# [[Door]]
# [[Elevator]]
# [[Façade]]
# [[Floor]]
# [[Foundation (engineering)|Foundation]]
# [[Ladder]]
# [[Lighting]]
# [[Roof]]
# [[Room]]
# [[Stairs]]
# [[Wall]]
# [[Window]]
{{Col-break|width=36%}}

Coastal infrastructure (5 articles)
# [[Dock (maritime)]]
# [[Harbor]]
# [[Lighthouse]]
# [[Pier]]
# [[Port]]

Ceremonial buildings (2 articles)
# [[Pagoda]]
# [[Pyramid]]

Commercial buildings (2 articles)
# [[Office]]
# [[Warehouse]]

Mixed-use buildings (3 articles)
# [[Tower]]
# [[High-rise building]]
# [[Skyscraper]]

Residential and housing units (9 articles)
# '''[[Home]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[House]]
## [[Apartment]]
## [[Hut]]
## [[Igloo]]
## [[Palace]]
## [[Tent]]
## [[Villa]]
# [[Hotel]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Rooms and spaces (5 articles)
# [[Bathroom]]
# [[Bedroom]]
# [[Garage (residential)|Garage]]
# [[Kitchen]]
# [[Sauna]]

Other components (2 articles)
# [[Electrical wiring]]
# [[Heating, ventilation, and air conditioning]]

Hydraulic infrastructure (10 articles)
# '''[[Dam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Aswan Dam]]
## [[Hoover Dam]]
## [[Itaipu Dam]]
## [[Three Gorges Dam]]
# [[Drainage]]
# [[Flood control]]
## [[Flood control in the Netherlands]]
# [[Levee]]
# [[Reservoir]]

Transport infrastructure (7 articles)
# '''[[Bridge]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Akashi Kaikyō Bridge]]
## [[Brooklyn Bridge]]
## [[Golden Gate Bridge]]
## [[London Bridge]]
# [[Tunnel]]
## [[Channel Tunnel]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Tools and machinery&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Machinery and tools (100 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=40%}}
Basics (21 articles)
# [[Machine]]
# [[Crane (machine)]]
# '''[[Engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Electric motor]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Internal combustion engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Diesel engine]]
### [[Four-stroke engine]]
## '''[[Jet engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Steam engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Robotics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Robot]]
# '''[[Simple machine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inclined plane]]
## [[Lever]]
## [[Pulley]]
## [[Screw (simple machine)]]
## [[Wedge]]
## '''[[Wheel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Wheel and axle]]
# [[Siphon]]
# [[System]]

Components (18 articles)
# [[Axle]]
## [[Bearing (mechanical)|Bearing]]
## [[Clutch]]
## [[Gear]]
# [[Electrical cable]]
## [[Chain]]
## [[Rope]]
# [[Fastener]]
## [[Knot]]
## [[Nail (fastener)]]
## [[Nut (hardware)]]
## [[Rivet]]
## [[Washer (hardware)|Washer]]
# [[Lock and key]]
# [[Pipe (fluid conveyance)|Pipe]]
## [[Gasket]]
## [[Valve]]
# [[Spring (device)]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Tools (34 articles)
General (2 articles)
# '''[[Tool]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Container]]

Measuring instruments (7 articles)
# [[Measuring instrument]]
## [[Barometer]]
## [[Calipers]]
## [[Photometer]]
## [[Ruler]]
## [[Spectrometer]]
## [[Thermometer]]

Artist's tools (8 articles)
# [[Ink]]
# [[Modelling clay]]
# [[Paint]]
# [[Brush]]
# [[Pastel]]
# [[Pencil]]
# [[Pigment]]
# [[Pen]]

Hand tools (8 articles)
# [[Axe]]
# [[Chisel]]
# [[Clamp (tool)|Clamp]]
# [[Drilling]]
# [[Hammer]]
# [[Plane (tool)]]
# [[Saw]]
# [[Scissors]]

Agricultural tools (9 articles)
# [[Archimedes' screw]]
# [[Harrow (tool)]]
# [[Hoe (tool)]]
# [[Machete]]
# [[Plough]]
# [[Rake (tool)]]
# [[Sickle]]
# [[Shovel]]
# [[Wheelbarrow]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Machinery (27 articles)

Farm and garden machinery (6 articles)
# [[Chainsaw]]
# [[Combine harvester]]
# [[Cotton gin]]
# [[Cultivator]]
# [[Irrigation sprinkler]]
# [[Lawn mower]]

Household appliances (16 articles)
# [[Home appliance]]
# [[Air conditioning]]
# [[Clothes dryer]]
# [[Dishwasher]]
# [[Furnace]]
# [[Ironing]]
# [[Microwave oven]]
# [[Oven]]
# [[Refrigerator]]
# [[Sewing machine]]
# [[Sink]]
# '''[[Stove]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electric stove]]
# [[Toilet]]
# [[Vacuum cleaner]]
# [[Washing machine]]

Industrial machinery (5 articles)
# [[Centrifuge]]
# [[Lathe]]
# [[Loom]]
# [[Machine press]]
# [[Potter's wheel]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Media and communication&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Media and communication (35 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Arts: Literature; Society: Mass media; and Technology: Computing and information technology&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Broadcasting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cathode-ray tube]]
# [[Communications satellite]]
# [[Flat-panel display]]
## [[Liquid-crystal display]]
# [[Image scanner]]
# '''[[Mail]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Courier]]
## [[Postage stamp]]
# '''[[Mobile phone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Smartphone]]
# '''[[Printing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Book]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Photocopier]]
## [[Printer (computing)|Printer]]
## [[Printing press]]
# '''[[Radio]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amateur radio]]
## [[Radio broadcasting]]
# [[Social media]]
# [[Sound recording and reproduction]]
## [[Loudspeaker]]
## [[Microphone]]
# [[Speech synthesis]]
# '''[[Telecommunication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Modulation]]
## [[Telegraphy]]
## '''[[Telephone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Television]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cable television]]
## [[Satellite television]]
# [[Text messaging]]
# [[Typewriter]]
# '''[[Video]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Video camera]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Medical technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Medical technology (13 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Devices (3 articles)
# [[Artificial organ]]
# [[Prosthesis]]
# [[Wheelchair]]

Techniques (2 articles)
# [[Cardiopulmonary bypass]]
# [[Dialysis]]
{{Col-break}}

Diagnostic technologies (3 articles)
# [[DNA profiling]]
# [[Electrocardiography]]
# [[Endoscopy]]

Transport (1 article)
# [[Ambulance]]
{{Col-break}}

Imaging (4 articles)
# '''[[Medical imaging]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Magnetic resonance imaging]]
# [[Medical ultrasound|Medical ultrasonography]]
# [[Radiography]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Military technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Military technology (69 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Weapon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tank]]
# [[Military technology]]
# [[Horses in warfare]]
## [[Chariot]]
# [[Stealth technology]]
# [[War elephant]]

Ammunition (2 articles)
# [[Ammunition]]
# '''[[Gunpowder]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Armour (6 articles)
# '''[[Armour]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bulletproof vest]]
# [[Helmet]]
# [[Chain mail]]
# [[Plate armour]]
# [[Shield]]

Explosive weapons (6 articles)
# [[Bomb]]
# [[Cluster munition]]
# [[Improvised explosive device]]
# [[Grenade]]
# [[Land mine]]
# [[Missile]]

Fortification (3 articles)
# '''[[Fortification]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Castle]]
## [[Defensive wall]]
{{Col-break}}

Incendiary weapons (1 article)
# [[Napalm]]

Melee weapons (9 articles)
# '''[[Knife]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dagger]]
# [[Sword]]
## [[Katana]]
## [[Rapier]]
# [[Battle axe]]
# [[Bayonet]]
# [[Club (weapon)]]
# [[Spear]]

Military aviation (4 articles)
# [[Military aircraft]]
# [[Attack aircraft]]
# [[Bomber]]
# [[Fighter aircraft]]

Naval warfare (8 articles)
# [[Aircraft carrier]]
# [[Battleship]]
# [[Galley]]
# [[Naval mine]]
# [[Ship of the line]]
# [[Submarine]]
# [[Torpedo]]
# [[Warship]]
{{Col-break}}

Projectile weapons (11 articles)
# [[Boomerang]]
# '''[[Bow and arrow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Crossbow]]
# '''[[Firearm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Rifle]]
### [[Assault rifle]]
## [[Handgun]]
## [[Machine gun]]
## [[Musket]]
## [[Shotgun]]
# [[Sling (weapon)|Sling]]

Artillery and siege (7 articles)
# [[Artillery]]
# [[Ballista]]
# [[Battering ram]]
# [[Cannon]]
# [[Catapult]]
# [[Howitzer]]
# [[Mortar (weapon)|Mortar]]

Weapons of mass destruction (5 articles)
# [[Weapon of mass destruction]]
# [[Biological warfare]]
# [[Chemical weapon]]
# '''[[Nuclear weapon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Thermonuclear weapon]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Navigation and timekeeping&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Navigation and timekeeping (25 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For units of time ('''hour''', '''day''', etc.), see ''[[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences|Physical sciences – Measurement]]''.&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin|width=75%}}
{{Col-break}}
Timekeeping (13 articles)
# '''[[Calendar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chinese calendar]]
## [[Gregorian calendar]]
## [[Islamic calendar]]
## [[Julian calendar]]
## [[Leap year]]
# '''[[Clock]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Watch]]
## [[Atomic clock]]
## [[Pendulum]]
## [[Sundial]]
# [[Time zone]]
## [[Daylight saving time]]
{{Col-break}}

Navigation (12 articles)
# '''[[Navigation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Compass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Map]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cardinal direction]]
## [[Celestial navigation]]
### [[Sextant]]
## [[Dead reckoning]]
## [[Gyroscope]]
## [[Satellite navigation]]
### [[Global Positioning System]]
# '''[[Radar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sonar]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Optical technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Optical technology (26 articles)==
{{Col-begin|width=75%}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (3 articles)
# '''[[Laser]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Holography]]
# [[Optical fiber]]

Optics (7 articles)
# '''[[Lens]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fresnel lens]]
# [[Anti-reflective coating]]
# [[Diffraction grating]]
# [[Mirror]]
# [[Polarizer]]
# [[Prism]]
{{Col-break}}

Optical instruments (16 articles)
# '''[[Microscope]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electron microscope]]
## [[Optical microscope]]
# '''[[Telescope]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Optical telescope]]
## [[Radio telescope]]
## [[Theodolite]]
# '''[[Camera]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Photography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Digital photography]]
### [[Fine-art photography]]
## [[Photographic film]]
# [[Glasses]]
# [[Binoculars]]
# [[Charge-coupled device]]
# [[Interferometry]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Space&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Space (32 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=27%}}
Basics (12 articles)
# '''[[Space exploration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Exploration of Mars]]
# '''[[Spaceflight]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Rocket]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Launch pad]]
## [[Launch vehicle]]
## [[Rocket engine]]
# '''[[Satellite]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Space station]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Astronaut]]
# [[Space capsule]]
# [[Space probe]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Crewed spacecraft (5 articles)
# [[International Space Station]]
# ''[[Mir]]''
# [[Space Shuttle]]
# [[Saturn V]]
# [[Soyuz (spacecraft)]]

Uncrewed spacecraft (4 articles)
# [[Hubble Space Telescope]]
# [[Spitzer Space Telescope]]
# [[Herschel Space Observatory]]
# ''[[Sputnik 1]]''
{{Col-break|width=40%}}

Programs and launch sites (9 articles)
# [[NASA]]
## [[Apollo program]]
## [[Kennedy Space Center]]
## [[Voyager program]]
# [[Soviet space program]]
## [[Baikonur Cosmodrome]]
# [[Roscosmos|Russian Federal Space Agency]]
# [[European Space Agency]]
# [[China National Space Administration]]

Ground-based observatories (2 articles)
# [[Atacama Large Millimeter Array]]
# [[Mauna Kea Observatories]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Textiles&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Textiles (25 articles)==
{{Col-begin|width=60%}}
{{Col-break}}
Fabrics and fibers (13 articles)
# '''[[Textile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Canvas]]
# [[Cotton]]
# [[Felt]]
# [[Fiber]]
# [[Jute]]
# [[Lace]]
# [[Leather]]
# [[Linen]]
# [[Silk]]
# [[Thread (yarn)|Thread]]
# [[Wool]]
# [[Yarn]]
{{Col-break}}

Techniques (12 articles)
# [[Basket weaving]]
# [[Crochet]]
# [[Dyeing]]
## [[Dye]]
# [[Embroidery]]
# [[Hand spinning]]
# [[Knitting]]
# [[Macramé]]
# [[Quilting]]
# [[Sewing]]
# [[Tapestry]]
# [[Weaving]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Transportation&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Transportation (84 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Transport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Public transport]]
# [[Travel]]
# [[Freight transport]]
## [[Cargo]] 
# [[Passport]]
# [[Vehicle]]

Road transport (18 articles)
# '''[[Road]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Highway]]
### [[Controlled-access highway]]
## [[Trail]]
# '''[[Car]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Bicycle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cycling]]
# [[Bus]]
# [[Motorcycle]]
# [[Rickshaw]]
# [[Truck]]
# [[Taxicab]]
# [[Van]]
# [[Driving]]
## [[Parking]]
# [[Tire]]
# [[Filling station]]
# [[Traffic collision]]

Animal-powered transport (4 articles)
# [[Carriage]]
# [[Cart]]
# [[Saddle]]
## [[Stirrup]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Rail transport (14 articles)
# '''[[Rail transport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Track (rail transport)]]
# [[Train]]
## [[Locomotive]]
### [[Steam locomotive]]
## [[Train station]]
# [[Rapid transit]]
## [[London Underground]]
## [[New York City Subway]]
# [[High-speed rail]]
## [[Shinkansen]]
# [[Monorail]]
# [[Tram]]
# [[Trans-Siberian Railway]]

Aviation (17 articles)
# '''[[Aircraft]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aviation]]
# [[Air traffic control]]
# [[Aircraft engine]]
# [[Airline]]
# [[Airplane]]
# [[Airport]]
# [[Airship]]
# [[Balloon (aeronautics)]]
## [[Hot air balloon]]
# [[Fixed-wing aircraft]]
# [[Glider (aircraft)|Glider]]
# [[Helicopter]]
# [[Jet aircraft]]
# [[Parachute]]
# [[Unmanned aerial vehicle]]
# [[Wing]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Naval transport (19 articles)
# '''[[Ship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Canal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lock (water navigation)]]
# [[Barge]]
# [[Boat]]
# [[Canoe]]
# [[Cargo ship]]
# [[Ferry]]
# [[Fishing vessel]]
# [[Hovercraft]]
# [[Merchant ship]]
# [[Passenger ship]]
# [[Riverboat]]
# [[Sailing]]
## [[Sail]]
# [[Sailing ship]]
# [[Shipbuilding]]
# [[Steamboat]]
# [[Tanker (ship)|Tanker]]

Other (5 articles)
# [[Cable transport]]
## [[Aerial tramway]]
# [[Baby transport]]
# [[Pipeline transport]]
# [[Tractor]]
{{Col-end}}
=Mathematics (299 articles)=
:''See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/People#Mathematicians_(44_articles)|People: Mathematicians]]''

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (59 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Mathematics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## [[Mathematician]]
# '''[[Arithmetic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Addition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Subtraction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Multiplication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Division (mathematics)|Division]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Euclidean algorithm]]
## '''[[Fraction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 3]])
### [[Percentage]]
## [[Modular arithmetic]]
# '''[[Number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Integer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Natural number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Parity (mathematics)|Parity]]
## '''[[Real number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Rational number]]
### [[Irrational number]]
### [[Negative number]]
## '''[[Complex number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Imaginary number]]
# [[Positional notation]]
## [[Numerical digit]]
## [[Decimal]]
## [[Arabic numerals]]
## [[Roman numerals]]
## [[Binary number]]
# [[Scientific notation]]
# [[Order of operations]]
# '''[[Function (mathematics)|Function]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Exponentiation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Logarithm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Nth root|''n''th root]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Square root]]
## [[Exponential function]]
## [[Inverse function]]
## [[Implicit function]]
## [[Function composition]]
## [[Graph of a function]]
## [[Parametric equation]]
# '''[[Equation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Series (mathematics)|Series]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Equation solving]]
## [[Polynomial]]
# '''[[Variable (mathematics)|Variable]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Constant (mathematics)|Constant]]
## '''[[Pi|{{pi}}]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[E (mathematical constant)|{{mvar|e}}]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[0]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[1]]
## [[−1]]
## [[Imaginary unit|{{mvar|i}}]]
## [[Golden ratio]]
# [[Formula]]
# [[Theorem]]
# [[Conjecture]]
# [[Factorial]]
## [[Gamma function]]
# [[Hilbert's problems]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Geometry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Geometry (57 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Geometry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Coordinate system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cartesian coordinate system]]
## [[Polar coordinate system]]
# '''[[Dimension]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Point (geometry)|Point]]
# '''[[Line (geometry)|Line]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Two-dimensional space]]
## '''[[Plane (geometry)|Plane]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Angle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Right angle]]
## '''[[Area]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Shape]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Polygon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Triangle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Quadrilateral]]
#### [[Square]]
## '''[[Conic section]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Circle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Ellipse]]
### [[Parabola]]
### [[Hyperbola]]
# [[Three-dimensional space]]
## '''[[Volume]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Sphere]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Polyhedron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cube]]
# '''[[Trigonometry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Trigonometric functions]]
## [[Hyperbolic functions]]
# '''[[Topology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[General topology]]
## [[Topological space]]
## [[Compact space]]
## [[Manifold]]
## [[Open set]]
## [[Homology (mathematics)|Homology]]
## [[Homotopy]]
## [[Euler characteristic]]
## [[Knot theory]]
## [[Poincaré conjecture]]
# [[Length]]
# [[Distance]]
## [[Metric space]]
# [[Symmetry]]
## [[Symmetry in mathematics]]
# [[Analytic geometry]]
# [[Differential geometry]]
## [[Riemannian geometry]]
# [[Euclidean geometry]]
## [[Euclidean space]]
## [[Convex set]]
## [[Pythagorean theorem]]
# [[Non-Euclidean geometry]]
# [[Fractal]]
# [[Tensor]]
# [[Tessellation]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Algebra&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Algebra (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Algebra]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Elementary algebra]]
# [[Linear algebra]]
## [[Linear equation]]
## [[Gaussian elimination]]
## [[Matrix (mathematics)|Matrix]]
### [[Determinant]]
### [[Eigenvalues and eigenvectors]]
## [[Vector space]]
### [[Euclidean vector]]
#### [[Cross product]]
#### [[Dot product]]
# [[Algebraic geometry]]
## [[Algebraic variety]]
# [[Boolean algebra]]
# [[Inequality (mathematics)|Inequality]]
# [[Quadratic equation]]
# [[Abstract algebra]]
## [[Algebraic topology]]
### [[Sheaf (mathematics)|Sheaf]]
## [[Associative property]]
## [[Commutative algebra]]
## [[Commutative property]]
## [[Distributive property]]
## [[Field (mathematics)]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of algebra]]
## [[Galois theory]]
## [[Group (mathematics)|Group]]
### [[Abelian group]]
### [[Classification of finite simple groups]]
### [[Fundamental group]]
### [[Group representation]]
### [[Group theory]]
## [[Homological algebra]]
## [[Isomorphism]]
## [[Module (mathematics)|Module]]
## [[Representation theory]]
## [[Ring theory]]
### [[Commutative ring]]
### [[Ring (mathematics)|Ring]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Statistics and probability&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Statistics and probability (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Statistics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Bayesian inference]]
## [[Correlation and dependence]]
### [[Regression analysis|Regression]]
#### [[Ordinary least squares|Least squares]]
## [[Data visualization]]
## [[Design of experiments]]
### [[Randomized controlled trial]]
## [[Mean]]
## [[Median]]
## [[Meta-analysis]]
## [[Mode (statistics)|Mode]]
## [[Observational study]]
## [[Sample mean and covariance]]
## [[Standard deviation]]
## [[Standard error]]
## [[Statistical hypothesis testing]]
### [[P-value|''p''-value]]
### [[Chi-squared test]]
### [[Student's t-test|Student's ''t''-test]]
## [[Survey methodology]]
### [[Statistical population]]
### [[Sampling (statistics)|Sampling]]
# '''[[Probability]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Probability theory]]
## [[Bayes' theorem]]
## [[Central limit theorem]]
## [[Expected value]]
## [[Law of large numbers]]
## [[Markov chain]]
## [[Probability density function]]
## [[Probability distribution]]
### [[Binomial distribution]]
### [[Exponential distribution]]
### [[Normal distribution]]
### [[Poisson distribution]]
### [[Discrete uniform distribution]]
## [[Random variable]]
## [[Stochastic process]]
## [[Variance]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Discrete mathematics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Discrete mathematics (38 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For topics in applied computer science, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Computing_and_information_technology_.2872_articles.29|Technology: Computing and information technology]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Discrete mathematics]]
# [[Mathematical logic]]
## '''[[Mathematical proof]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Axiom]]
## [[Computability theory]]
### [[Computable function]]
## [[Gödel's incompleteness theorems]]
## [[Mathematical induction]]
## [[Propositional calculus]]
# '''[[Combinatorics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Combination]]
## [[Permutation]]
# [[Theoretical computer science]]
## '''[[Algorithm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Abstract machine]]
### [[Numerical integration]]
## [[Coding theory]]
### [[Data compression]]
### [[Error detection and correction]]
## [[Computational complexity theory]]
### [[P versus NP problem]]
## [[Data structure]]
## [[Formal language]]
## [[Theory of computation]]
# [[Set theory]]
## '''[[Set (mathematics)|Set]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Empty set]]
### [[Subset]]
## [[Axiom of choice]]
## [[Cantor's theorem]]
## [[Equivalence relation]]
## [[Intersection (set theory)]]
## [[Naive set theory]]
### [[Russell's paradox]]
## [[Union (set theory)]]
## [[Venn diagram]]
# [[Graph theory]]
## [[Graph (discrete mathematics)]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Calculus and analysis&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Calculus and analysis (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Calculus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Limit (mathematics)|Limit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Infinity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Limit of a function]]
### [[Limit of a sequence]]
### [[Sequence]]
#### [[Fibonacci number]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of calculus]]
## [[Continuous function]]
## [[Differential calculus]]
### [[Derivative]]
### [[Differential equation]]
### [[Ordinary differential equation]]
## [[Integral]]
### [[Laplace transform]]
## [[Multivariable calculus]]
### [[Multiple integral]]
### [[Partial derivative]]
#### [[Laplace's equation]]
#### [[Partial differential equation]]
### [[Vector calculus]]
#### [[Del]]
## [[Taylor series]]
# '''[[Mathematical analysis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Approximation theory]]
## [[Numerical analysis]]
## [[Complex analysis]]
### [[Cauchy's integral formula]]
### [[Euler's formula]]
### [[Euler's identity]]
### [[Holomorphic function]]
### [[Riemann surface]]
## [[Functional analysis]]
### [[Hilbert space]]
## [[Harmonic analysis]]
### [[Fourier analysis]]
### [[Fourier series]]
### [[Fourier transform]]
## [[Real analysis]]
## [[Calculus of variations]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Other&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Other (25 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Number theory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Prime number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Prime number theorem]]
### [[Euclid's theorem]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of arithmetic]]
## [[Algebraic number theory]]
### [[Algebraic number field]]
### [[Class field theory]]
## [[Analytic number theory]]
### [[Riemann hypothesis]]
## [[Diophantine equation]]
### [[Fermat's Last Theorem]]
# [[Applied mathematics]]
## [[Mathematical optimization]]
### [[Linear programming]]
### [[Nonlinear programming]]
### [[Operations research]]
## [[Game theory]]
## [[Information theory]]
# [[Dynamical systems theory]]
## [[Dynamical system]]
## [[Control theory]]
## [[Chaos theory]]
# [[Category theory]]
# [[Pure mathematics]]
{{Div col end}}</text>
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=People (2,001 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Entertainers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Entertainers (90 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
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Actors (61 articles)
# [[Julie Andrews]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Lauren Bacall]]
# [[Amitabh Bachchan]]&lt;!--act/India: 3 NFAs--&gt;
# [[Brigitte Bardot]]
# [[Ingrid Bergman]]&lt;!--act/musician--&gt;
# [[Sarah Bernhardt]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Humphrey Bogart]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Marlon Brando]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[James Cagney]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Claudette Colbert]]
# [[Sean Connery]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Gary Cooper]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Joan Crawford]]
# [[Bette Davis]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Doris Day]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Judi Dench]]
# [[Robert De Niro]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Alain Delon]]&lt;!--actor/businessman--&gt;
# [[Marlene Dietrich]]
# [[Clint Eastwood]]&lt;!--actor/director/producer--&gt;
# [[Henry Fonda]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Jean Gabin]]
# [[Clark Gable]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Greta Garbo]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Judy Garland]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[John Gielgud]]&lt;!--actor/director/narrator--&gt;
# [[Lillian Gish]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Cary Grant]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Alec Guinness]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Tom Hanks]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Setsuko Hara]]
# [[Rita Hayworth]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Audrey Hepburn]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Katharine Hepburn]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Shintaro Katsu]]
# [[Grace Kelly]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Klaus Kinski]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Vivien Leigh]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Sophia Loren]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Madhubala]]
# [[Marcello Mastroianni]]
# [[Toshiro Mifune]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Marilyn Monroe]]&lt;!--singer/actress/comedienne--&gt;
# [[Jeanne Moreau]]
# [[Jack Nicholson]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Laurence Olivier]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Peter O'Toole]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Gregory Peck]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Mary Pickford]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Sidney Poitier]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Rajinikanth]]
# [[Barbara Stanwyck]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[James Stewart]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Meryl Streep]]&lt;!--act/singer--&gt;
# [[Elizabeth Taylor]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Shirley Temple]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Ellen Terry]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Spencer Tracy]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Rudolph Valentino]]
# [[John Wayne]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Mae West]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
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Dancers and choreographers (15 articles)

Ballet (7 articles)
# [[George Balanchine]]
# [[Mikhail Baryshnikov]]
# [[Margot Fonteyn]]
# [[Vaslav Nijinsky]]
# [[Rudolf Nureyev]]
# [[Anna Pavlova]]
# [[Marius Petipa]]

Other dance (8 articles)
# [[Fred Astaire]]&lt;!--dancer/act--&gt;
# [[Josephine Baker]]
# [[Isadora Duncan]]
# [[Bob Fosse]]
# [[Martha Graham]]
# [[Gene Kelly]]&lt;!--singer/dancer/act--&gt;
# [[Izumo no Okuni]]
# [[Ginger Rogers]]&lt;!--dancer/act--&gt;

Comedians (9 articles)
# [[Lucille Ball]]
# [[Carol Burnett]]&lt;!--comedian--&gt;
# [[George Carlin]]&lt;!--comedian--&gt;
# [[Bill Cosby]]&lt;!--comedian/act--&gt;
# [[Louis de Funès]]
# [[Laurel and Hardy]]
# [[Marx Brothers]]&lt;!--act--&gt;
# [[Monty Python]]
# [[Richard Pryor]]

Hosts and performers (5 articles)
# [[Johnny Carson]]
# [[Harry Houdini]]&lt;!--(1874-1926)--&gt;
# [[Marcel Marceau]]
# [[Ed Sullivan]]&lt;!--variety host--&gt;
# [[Oprah Winfrey]]&lt;!--TV host and producer--&gt;
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Visual artists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Visual artists (123 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
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Western painters and illustrators (73 articles)

Medieval era (3 articles)
# [[Giotto]]
# [[Hieronymus Bosch]]
# [[Jan van Eyck]]

Renaissance to early modern era (19 articles)
# [[Sandro Botticelli]]
# [[Pieter Bruegel the Elder]]
# [[Caravaggio]]
# [[Jacques-Louis David]]
# [[Albrecht Dürer]]
# [[Artemisia Gentileschi]]
# [[El Greco]]
# [[Francisco Goya]]
# [[William Hogarth]]
# [[Hans Holbein the Younger]]
# '''[[Leonardo da Vinci]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Masaccio]]&lt;!--Quattrocento--&gt;
# [[Nicolas Poussin]]
# [[Raphael]]
# '''[[Rembrandt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Peter Paul Rubens]]&lt;!--art/Dutch--&gt;
# [[Titian]]
# [[Diego Velázquez]]
# [[Johannes Vermeer]]
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Modern era (painters) (41 articles)
# [[Paul Cézanne]]
# [[Marc Chagall]]
# [[John Constable]]
# [[Gustave Courbet]]
# [[Salvador Dalí]]
# [[Edgar Degas]]
# [[Eugène Delacroix]]
# [[Marcel Duchamp]]
# [[Max Ernst]]
# [[Caspar David Friedrich]]
# [[Paul Gauguin]]
# '''[[Vincent van Gogh]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edward Hopper]]
# [[Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres]]
# '''[[Frida Kahlo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Wassily Kandinsky]]
# [[Paul Klee]]
# [[René Magritte]]
# [[Kazimir Malevich]]
# [[Édouard Manet]]
# [[Franz Marc]]
# [[Henri Matisse]]
# [[Joan Miró]]
# [[Piet Mondrian]]
# '''[[Claude Monet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edvard Munch]]
# [[Georgia O'Keeffe]]
# '''[[Pablo Picasso]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Camille Pissarro]]
# [[Jackson Pollock]]
# [[Pierre-Auguste Renoir]]
# [[Ilya Repin]]
# [[Gerhard Richter]]
# [[Diego Rivera]]
# [[Henri Rousseau]]
# [[John Singer Sargent]]
# [[Georges Seurat]]
# [[Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec]]
# [[J. M. W. Turner]]
# [[Andy Warhol]]
# [[James Abbott McNeill Whistler]]

Cartoonists, comics artists, and illustrators (10 articles)
# [[Aubrey Beardsley]]
# [[M. C. Escher]]
# [[Will Eisner]]
# [[Jean Giraud]]
# [[Hergé]]
# [[Jack Kirby]]
# [[Winsor McCay]]
# [[Norman Rockwell]]
# [[Dr. Seuss]]
# [[Osamu Tezuka]]
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Other visual arts (44 articles)

Sculptors (9 articles)
# [[Gian Lorenzo Bernini]]
# [[Joseph Beuys]]
# [[Constantin Brâncuși]]
# [[Donatello]]
# [[Alberto Giacometti]]
# '''[[Michelangelo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Henry Moore]]
# [[Phidias]]
# [[Auguste Rodin]]

Architects (21 articles)
# [[Alvar Aalto]]
# [[Leon Battista Alberti]]
# [[Filippo Brunelleschi]]
# [[Le Corbusier]]
# [[Buckminster Fuller]]
# [[Antoni Gaudí]]
# [[Frank Gehry]]
# [[Walter Gropius]]
# [[Zaha Hadid]]
# [[Imhotep]]
# [[Philip Johnson]]
# [[Louis Kahn]]
# [[Ludwig Mies van der Rohe]]
# [[Oscar Niemeyer]]
# [[Andrea Palladio]]
# [[I. M. Pei]]
# [[Mimar Sinan]]
# [[Louis Sullivan]]
# [[Vitruvius]]
# [[Christopher Wren]]
# [[Frank Lloyd Wright]]

Designers (3 articles)
# [[Coco Chanel]]
# [[Yves Saint Laurent (designer)|Yves Saint Laurent]]
# [[Raymond Loewy]]

Photographers (6 articles)
# [[Ansel Adams]]
# [[Henri Cartier-Bresson]]
# [[Eadweard Muybridge]]
# [[Sergey Prokudin-Gorsky]]
# [[Man Ray]]
# [[Edward Weston]]

Instrument makers (1 article)
# [[Antonio Stradivari]]
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Urban planners (4 articles)
# [[Georges-Eugène Haussmann]]
# [[Jane Jacobs]]
# [[Robert Moses]]
# [[Frederick Law Olmsted]]

Non-Western traditions (6 articles)
# '''[[Hokusai]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hiroshige]]
# [[Kanō Masanobu]]
# [[Sesshū Tōyō]]
# [[Shitao]]
# [[Wang Xizhi]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Writers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Writers (258 articles)==
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Ancient (19 articles)

Asia (2 articles)
# [[Kālidāsa]]
# [[Qu Yuan]]

Europe (17 articles)
# [[Aeschylus]]
# [[Aristophanes]]
# [[Catullus]]
# [[Euripides]]
# [[Hesiod]]
# '''[[Homer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Horace]]
# [[Lucian]]
# [[Menander]]
# [[Ovid]]
# [[Plautus]]
# [[Plutarch]]
# '''[[Sappho]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sophocles]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Terence]]
# '''[[Virgil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Xenophon]]
{{Col-break}}

Post-classical (29 articles)

Asia (22 articles)
# [[Bai Juyi]]
# [[Bhavabhuti]]
# [[Du Fu]]
# [[Ferdowsi]]
# [[Hafez]]
# [[Han Yu]]
# [[Jami]]
# [[Kabir]]
# [[Omar Khayyam]]
# [[Amir Khusrau]]
# '''[[Li Bai]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Meera]]
# '''[[Murasaki Shikibu]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nizami Ganjavi]]
# '''[[Abu Nuwas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ouyang Xiu]]
# [[Rudaki]]
# [[Rumi]]
# [[Saadi Shirazi]]
# [[Su Shi]]
# [[Tao Yuanming]]
# [[Wang Wei (Tang dynasty)|Wang Wei]]

Europe (7 articles)
# '''[[Dante Alighieri]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Giovanni Boccaccio]]
# [[Geoffrey Chaucer]]
# [[Chrétien de Troyes]]
# [[Christine de Pizan]]
# [[Petrarch]]
# [[François Villon]]
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Early modern (33 articles)

Asia (5 articles)
# [[Fuzuli (writer)]]
# [[Matsuo Bashō]]
# [[Mir Taqi Mir]]
# [[Tukaram]]
# [[Tulsidas]]

Europe (28 articles)
# [[Pedro Calderón de la Barca]]
# [[Robert Burns]]
# [[Luís de Camões]] &lt;!--considered Portugal's greatest poet--&gt;
# [[Giacomo Casanova]]
# '''[[Miguel de Cervantes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre Corneille]]
# [[Daniel Defoe]]
# [[Gavrila Derzhavin]]
# [[John Donne]]
# [[John Dryden]]
# [[Henry Fielding]]
# [[Samuel Johnson]]
# [[Ben Jonson]]
# [[Christopher Marlowe]]
# [[John Milton]]
# [[Michel de Montaigne]]
# [[Thomas More]]
# [[Molière]]
# [[Nostradamus]]&lt;!--French--&gt;
# [[Charles Perrault]]
# [[Alexander Pope]]
# [[François Rabelais]]
# [[Jean Racine]]
# [[Marquis de Sade]]
# '''[[William Shakespeare]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edmund Spenser]]
# [[Jonathan Swift]]
# [[Lope de Vega]]
{{Col-end}}

Modern (177 articles)
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Africa (7 articles)
# [[Chinua Achebe]]
# [[Ben Okri]]
# [[Naguib Mahfouz]]
# [[Wole Soyinka]]
# [[Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o]]
# [[J. M. Coetzee]]
# [[Nadine Gordimer]]

Americas (49 articles)

US and Canada (40 articles)
# [[Maya Angelou]]
# [[Isaac Asimov]]
# [[Margaret Atwood]]
# [[Saul Bellow]]
# [[Ray Bradbury]]
# [[William S. Burroughs]]
# [[Raymond Chandler]]
# [[Emily Dickinson]]
# [[T. S. Eliot]]
# [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]
# [[William Faulkner]]
# [[F. Scott Fitzgerald]]
# [[Robert Frost]]
# [[Allen Ginsberg]]
# [[Nathaniel Hawthorne]]
# [[Robert A. Heinlein]]
# [[Ernest Hemingway]]
# [[Langston Hughes]]
# [[Henry James]]
# [[Jack Kerouac]]
# [[Stephen King]]
# [[Ursula K. Le Guin]]
# [[Stan Lee]]
# [[Jack London]]
# [[H. P. Lovecraft]]
# [[Herman Melville]]
# [[Arthur Miller]]
# [[Toni Morrison]]
# [[Vladimir Nabokov]]
# [[Sylvia Plath]]
# [[Edgar Allan Poe]]
# [[Ezra Pound]] 
# [[Ayn Rand]]
# [[Upton Sinclair]]
# [[John Steinbeck]]
# '''[[Mark Twain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Kurt Vonnegut]]
# [[Edith Wharton]]
# [[Walt Whitman]]
# [[Tennessee Williams]]

Latin America (9 articles)
# [[Jorge Amado]]
# [[Jorge Luis Borges]]
# [[Alejo Carpentier]]
# [[Carlos Fuentes]]
# [[Gabriel García Márquez]]
# [[Machado de Assis]]
# [[José Martí]]
# [[Pablo Neruda]]
# {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Mario Vargas Llosa]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (102 articles)

General (1 article)
# [[Constantine P. Cavafy]]

Central Europe (8 articles)
# [[Adam Mickiewicz]]
# [[Ismail Kadare]]
# [[Ivan Cankar]]
# [[Joseph Conrad]]
# [[Sándor Petőfi]]
# [[Henryk Sienkiewicz]]
# [[Taras Shevchenko]]
# [[Elie Wiesel]]

Russia (16 articles)
# [[Anna Akhmatova]]
# [[Joseph Brodsky]]
# [[Mikhail Bulgakov]]
# [[Ivan Bunin]]
# [[Anton Chekhov]]
# '''[[Fyodor Dostoevsky]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maxim Gorky]]
# [[Nikolai Gogol]]
# [[Mikhail Lermontov]]
# [[Vladimir Mayakovsky]]
# [[Boris Pasternak]]
# [[Alexander Pushkin]]
# [[Mikhail Sholokhov]]
# [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]]
# '''[[Leo Tolstoy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ivan Turgenev]]

Western Europe (40 articles)
# [[Hans Christian Andersen]]
# [[Antonin Artaud]]
# [[Honoré de Balzac]]
# [[Charles Baudelaire]]
# [[Karen Blixen]]
# [[Bertolt Brecht]]
# [[Albert Camus]]
# [[Alexandre Dumas]]
# [[Umberto Eco]]
# [[Gustave Flaubert]]
# [[Anne Frank]]
# [[Federico García Lorca]]
# [[André Gide]]
# '''[[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brothers Grimm]]
# [[Knut Hamsun]]
# [[Heinrich Heine]]
# [[Hermann Hesse]]
# [[Victor Hugo]]
# [[Henrik Ibsen]]
# [[Eugène Ionesco]]
# '''[[Franz Kafka]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Selma Lagerlöf]]
# [[Halldór Laxness]]
# [[Astrid Lindgren]]
# [[Thomas Mann]]
# [[Stéphane Mallarmé]]
# [[Guy de Maupassant]]
# [[Fernando Pessoa]]
# [[Luigi Pirandello]]
# [[Marcel Proust]]
# [[Arthur Rimbaud]]
# [[Rainer Maria Rilke]]
# [[José Saramago]]
# [[Friedrich Schiller]]
# [[Stendhal]]
# [[August Strindberg]]
# [[Tristan Tzara]]
# [[Jules Verne]]
# [[Émile Zola]]
{{Col-break}}

UK and Ireland (37 articles)
# [[W. H. Auden]] 
# '''[[Jane Austen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Samuel Beckett]]
# [[William Blake]]
# [[Enid Blyton]]
# [[Brontë family]]
# [[Lord Byron]]
# [[Lewis Carroll]]
# [[Agatha Christie]]
# [[Arthur C. Clarke]]
# [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]]
# [[Roald Dahl]]
# '''[[Charles Dickens]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]
# [[George Eliot]]
# [[William Golding]]
# [[Thomas Hardy]]
# '''[[James Joyce]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Keats]]
# [[Rudyard Kipling]]
# [[D. H. Lawrence]]
# [[C. S. Lewis]]
# [[V. S. Naipaul]]
# [[George Orwell]]
# [[Salman Rushdie]]
# [[Walter Scott]]
# [[George Bernard Shaw]]
# [[Mary Shelley]]
# [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]]
# [[Robert Louis Stevenson]]
# [[Dylan Thomas]]
# [[J. R. R. Tolkien]]
# [[H. G. Wells]]
# [[Oscar Wilde]]
# [[William Wordsworth]]
# [[Virginia Woolf]]
# [[W. B. Yeats]]

Asia (17 articles)
# [[Chinghiz Aitmatov]]
# [[Ryūnosuke Akutagawa]]
# [[Ghalib]]
# [[Kahlil Gibran]]
# [[Muhammad Iqbal]]
# [[Kazuo Ishiguro]]
# [[Jin Yong]]
# [[Yasunari Kawabata]]
# [[Lao She]]
# [[Lu Xun]]
# [[Yukio Mishima]]
# [[Haruki Murakami]]
# [[Natsume Sōseki]]
# [[Kenzaburō Ōe]]
# [[Orhan Pamuk]]
# [[Premchand]]
# '''[[Rabindranath Tagore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Oceania (2 articles)
# [[Banjo Paterson]]
# [[Patrick White]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Journalists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Journalists (13 articles)==
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# [[Svetlana Alexievich]]
# [[David Attenborough]]
# [[Nellie Bly]]
# [[Walter Cronkite]]&lt;!--USA, CBS--&gt;
# [[Horace Greeley]]
# [[William Randolph Hearst]]&lt;!--publishing--&gt;
# [[Walter Lippmann]]&lt;!--USA--&gt;
# [[Edward R. Murrow]]&lt;!--USA--&gt;
# [[Joseph Pulitzer]]
# [[Ida Tarbell]]
# [[Hunter S. Thompson]]
# [[Anna Wintour]]
# [[Bob Woodward]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Musicians and composers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Musicians and composers (155 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Western art music (73 articles)

Composers (53 articles)

Medieval and Renaissance (5 articles)
# [[Hildegard of Bingen]]&lt;!--Medieval and Renaissance/Germany--&gt;
# [[Guillaume de Machaut]]
# [[Josquin des Prez]]
# [[Guillaume Du Fay]]
# [[Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina]]

Baroque (5 articles)
# '''[[Johann Sebastian Bach]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[George Frideric Handel]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Claudio Monteverdi]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Henry Purcell]]
# [[Antonio Vivaldi]]&lt;!--Classical/Italy--&gt;

Classical (3 articles)
# '''[[Ludwig van Beethoven]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Germany/Austria--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Joseph Haydn]]&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt;
# '''[[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart]]'''&lt;!--Classical/Austria--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Romantic (21 articles)
# [[Hector Berlioz]]
# [[Johannes Brahms]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Anton Bruckner]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Frédéric Chopin]]
# [[Antonín Dvořák]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Edward Elgar]]&lt;!--Classical/United Kingdom--&gt;
# [[Gilbert and Sullivan]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# [[Franz Liszt]]&lt;!--Classical pianist/composer--&gt;
# [[Gustav Mahler]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Felix Mendelssohn]]&lt;!--Classical/Germany--&gt;
# [[Modest Mussorgsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia: The 5--&gt;
# [[Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia: The 5--&gt;
# [[Gioachino Rossini]]&lt;!--Classical/Italy--&gt;
# [[Franz Schubert]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Clara Schumann]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Robert Schumann]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Johann Strauss II]]&lt;!--Classical/Austria--&gt;
# [[Richard Strauss]]
# [[Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia--&gt;
# [[Giuseppe Verdi]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# '''[[Richard Wagner]]'''&lt;!--opera--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

20th century modern (19 articles)
# [[Béla Bartók]]
# [[Benjamin Britten]]
# [[Aaron Copland]]&lt;!--Classical, Avant Garde/USA--&gt;
# [[Claude Debussy]]&lt;!--Impressionist/France--&gt;
# [[Gabriel Fauré]]
# [[Giacomo Puccini]]&lt;!--opera--&gt;
# [[Sergei Prokofiev]]&lt;!--Classical--&gt;
# [[Sergei Rachmaninoff]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia/pianist--&gt;
# [[Maurice Ravel]]&lt;!--Impressionist/France--&gt;
# [[Arnold Schoenberg]]
# [[Dmitri Shostakovich]]&lt;!--Classical/Soviet--&gt;
# [[Jean Sibelius]]&lt;!--Classical/Finland--&gt;
# [[Igor Stravinsky]]&lt;!--Classical/Russia--&gt;
# [[Ralph Vaughan Williams]]

Avant-garde/postmodern (5 articles)
# [[Pierre Boulez]]&lt;!--conductor--&gt;
# [[John Cage]]
# [[Philip Glass]]
# [[György Ligeti]]
# [[Karlheinz Stockhausen]]
{{Col-break}}
Pedagogues (1 article)
# [[Nadia Boulanger]]

Performers (19 articles)

Cellists (2 articles)
# [[Pablo Casals]]
# [[Mstislav Rostropovich]]

Conductors (3 articles)
# [[Leonard Bernstein]]&lt;!--composer--&gt;
# [[Herbert von Karajan]]
# [[Arturo Toscanini]]

Pianists (4 articles)
# [[Glenn Gould]]
# [[Vladimir Horowitz]]
# [[Sviatoslav Richter]]
# [[Arthur Rubinstein]]

Singers (9 articles)
# [[Marian Anderson]]
# [[Maria Callas]]
# [[Enrico Caruso]]
# [[Plácido Domingo]]
# [[Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau]]
# [[Kirsten Flagstad]]
# [[Luciano Pavarotti]]
# [[Leontyne Price]]
# [[Joan Sutherland]]

Violinists (1 article)
# [[Niccolò Paganini]]&lt;!--composer--&gt;
{{Col-break}}
Non-Western art music (7 articles)

Carnatic classical (3 articles)
# [[Muthuswami Dikshitar]]
# [[Shyama Shastri]]
# [[Tyagaraja]]

Hindustani classical (2 articles)
# [[Ali Akbar Khan]]
# [[Ravi Shankar]]

Qawwali (1 article)
# [[Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan]]

Persian traditional (1 article)
# [[Mohammad-Reza Shajarian]]

Jazz (11 articles)
# '''[[Louis Armstrong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Miles Davis]]
# [[Duke Ellington]]
# [[Ella Fitzgerald]]
# [[George Gershwin]]&lt;!--musical/pop--&gt;
# [[Benny Goodman]]&lt;!--big band--&gt;
# [[Billie Holiday]]
# [[Antônio Carlos Jobim]]&lt;!--bossa nova-Latin/Jazz--&gt;
# [[Scott Joplin]]
# [[Charlie Parker]]
# [[Django Reinhardt]]
{{Col-break}}
Popular music (64 articles)
# [[ABBA]]
# [[Bing Crosby]]&lt;!--singer/act--&gt;
# [[Stephen Foster]]
# [[Michael Jackson]]
# [[Madonna]]
# [[Miriam Makeba]]
# [[Bob Marley]]&lt;!--rock/reggae--&gt;
# [[Joni Mitchell]]&lt;!--pop/many--&gt;
# [[Frank Sinatra]]&lt;!--pop--&gt;
# [[Barbra Streisand]]&lt;!--singer/actress--&gt;

Non-English language singers (8 articles)
# [[Charles Aznavour]]
# [[Serge Gainsbourg]]
# [[Umm Kulthum]]
# [[Lata Mangeshkar]]
# [[Édith Piaf]]
# [[Alla Pugacheva]]
# [[Teresa Teng]]
# [[Vladimir Vysotsky]]

Afrobeat (1 article)
# [[Fela Kuti]]

Blues, R&amp;B, and soul (7 articles)
# [[Ray Charles]]
# [[Sam Cooke]]
# [[Aretha Franklin]]
# [[Marvin Gaye]]
# [[Robert Johnson]]
# [[B.B. King]]
# [[The Supremes]]

Electronic music (2 articles)
# [[Brian Eno]]
# [[Kraftwerk]]

Folk and country (6 articles)
# [[Joan Baez]]
# [[Johnny Cash]]
# [[Patsy Cline]]
# [[Woody Guthrie]]
# [[Dolly Parton]]
# [[Hank Williams]]

Funk (2 articles)
# [[James Brown]] 
# [[Prince (musician)|Prince]]

Hip-hop and rap (1 article)
# [[Tupac Shakur]]

Latin (4 articles)
# [[Celia Cruz]]
# [[Julio Iglesias]]
# [[Astor Piazzolla]]
# [[Selena]]
{{Col-break}}
Flamenco (1 article)
# [[Paco de Lucía]]

Musical comedy and lyricists (4 articles)
# [[Irving Berlin]]
# [[Rodgers and Hammerstein]]
# [[Stephen Sondheim]]
# [[Andrew Lloyd Webber]]

Rock (18 articles)
# '''[[The Beatles]]'''&lt;!--rock band--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[John Lennon]]
# [[The Beach Boys]]
# [[Black Sabbath]]
# [[Chuck Berry]]
# [[David Bowie]]
# [[The Doors]]
# [[Bob Dylan]]
# [[Jimi Hendrix]]
# [[Buddy Holly]]
# [[Janis Joplin]]
# [[Led Zeppelin]]
# [[Little Richard]]
# [[Pink Floyd]]
# '''[[Elvis Presley]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Queen (band)|Queen]]
# [[The Rolling Stones]]
# [[The Velvet Underground]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Directors, producers and screenwriters&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Directors, producers and screenwriters (60 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Animators and puppeteers (3 articles)
# '''[[Walt Disney]]'''&lt;!--producer/animator--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hayao Miyazaki]]&lt;!----&gt;
# [[Jim Henson]]&lt;!--Muppets--&gt;

{{Col-break}}
Directors (52 articles)
# [[Woody Allen]]
# [[Michelangelo Antonioni]]
# [[Ingmar Bergman]]
# [[Robert Bresson]]
# [[Luis Buñuel]]
# [[James Cameron]]
# [[Frank Capra]]
# '''[[Charlie Chaplin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jean Cocteau]]
# [[Francis Ford Coppola]]
# [[Cecil B. DeMille]]
# [[Vittorio De Sica]]
# [[Carl Theodor Dreyer]]
# [[Guru Dutt]]
# [[Sergei Eisenstein]]
# [[Federico Fellini]]
# [[John Ford]]
# [[Miloš Forman]]
# [[Jean-Luc Godard]]
# [[D. W. Griffith]]
# [[Howard Hawks]]
# [[Werner Herzog]]
# [[Alfred Hitchcock]]
# [[Raj Kapoor]]
# [[Elia Kazan]]
# [[Buster Keaton]]
# [[Abbas Kiarostami]]
# [[Akira Kurosawa]]
# [[Stanley Kubrick]]
# [[Fritz Lang]]
# [[David Lean]]
# [[Ang Lee]]
# [[George Lucas]]
# [[Auguste and Louis Lumière]]
# [[Ida Lupino]]
# [[David Lynch]]
# [[Georges Méliès]]
# [[Yasujirō Ozu]]
# [[Roman Polanski]]
# [[Satyajit Ray]]
# [[Jean Renoir]]
# [[Leni Riefenstahl]]
# [[Martin Scorsese]]
# [[Steven Spielberg]]
# [[Quentin Tarantino]]
# [[Andrei Tarkovsky]]
# [[François Truffaut]]
# [[Orson Welles]]
# [[Wim Wenders]]
# [[Billy Wilder]]
# [[Wong Kar-wai]]
# [[William Wyler]]
{{Col-break}}
Producers and executives (4 articles)
# [[Samuel Goldwyn]]
# [[David O. Selznick]]
# [[Irving Thalberg]]
# [[Jack L. Warner]]

Screenwriter (1 article)
# [[Frances Marion]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Businesspeople&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Businesspeople (29 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[John Jacob Astor]]&lt;!--fur trade/real estate--&gt;
# [[P. T. Barnum]]
# [[Warren Buffett]]&lt;!--Finance/investment--&gt;
# [[Al Capone]]
# [[Andrew Carnegie]]&lt;!--steel--&gt;
# [[Marcus Licinius Crassus]] &lt;!--Ancient roman oligarch--&gt;
# [[Pablo Escobar]]
# '''[[Henry Ford]]'''&lt;!--assembly line/automobiles--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jakob Fugger]]
# [[Bill Gates]]&lt;!--Windows--&gt;
# [[Howard Hughes]]&lt;!--oil/aerospace--&gt;
# [[Steve Jobs]]&lt;!--Apple Computer founder--&gt;
# [[Estée Lauder (businesswoman)|Estée Lauder]]
# [[Li Ka-shing]]
# [[Andrew Mellon]]
# [[Shigeru Miyamoto]]&lt;!--created some of the most successful video game franchises of all time--&gt;
# [[J. P. Morgan]]&lt;!--Finance--&gt;
# [[Rupert Murdoch]]
# [[John D. Rockefeller]]&lt;!--Standard Oil--&gt;
# [[Rothschild family]]
# [[David Sarnoff]]
# [[Carlos Slim]]
# [[Leland Stanford]]
# [[Jamsetji Tata]]
# [[Ted Turner]]&lt;!--TV networks--&gt;
# [[Cornelius Vanderbilt]]&lt;!--shipping/railroads--&gt;
# [[Sam Walton]]
# [[Josiah Wedgwood]]
# [[George Westinghouse]] &lt;!--engineering--&gt;

{{Col-break}}
==&lt;span id=&quot;Explorers&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Explorers (30 articles)==

Ancient history (2 articles)
# [[Hanno the Navigator]]
# [[Zhang Qian]]

Post-classical history (5 articles)
# '''[[Ibn Battuta]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leif Erikson]]
# '''[[Marco Polo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Xuanzang]]
# '''[[Zheng He]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Early modern history (12 articles)
# [[Willem Barentsz]]
# [[Vitus Bering]]
# [[Pedro Álvares Cabral]]
# [[Jacques Cartier]]
# '''[[Christopher Columbus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[James Cook]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vasco da Gama]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ferdinand Magellan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Juan Ponce de León]]&lt;!--Spain, Fountain of Youth--&gt;
# [[Hernando de Soto]]
# [[Abel Tasman]]
# [[Amerigo Vespucci]]

Modern history (11 articles)
# '''[[Roald Amundsen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Neil Armstrong]]
# [[Amelia Earhart]]
# [[Yuri Gagarin]]
# [[Alexander von Humboldt]]
# [[Charles Lindbergh]]
# [[David Livingstone]]
# [[Fridtjof Nansen]]
# [[Ernest Shackleton]]
# [[Valentina Tereshkova]]
# [[David Thompson (explorer)|David Thompson]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Philosophers, historians, political and social scientists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Philosophers, historians, political and social scientists (157 articles)==

Philosophers (70 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Ancient (19 articles)
# '''[[Aristotle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Augustine of Hippo]]
# '''[[Confucius]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Democritus]]
# [[Diogenes]]
# [[Epicurus]]
# [[Han Fei]]
# [[Heraclitus]]
# '''[[Laozi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Li Si]]
# [[Lucretius]]
# [[Mencius]]
# '''[[Plato]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Plotinus]]
# [[Seneca the Younger]]
# '''[[Socrates]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Thales of Miletus]]
# [[Xun Kuang]]
# [[Shang Yang]]

Post-classical (8 articles)
# [[Peter Abelard]]
# '''[[Thomas Aquinas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Averroes]]
# [[Erasmus]]
# [[Duns Scotus]]
# [[William of Ockham]]
# [[Wang Yangming]]
# [[Zhu Xi]]
{{Col-break}}
Early modern (16 articles)
# [[Francis Bacon]]
# [[Jeremy Bentham]]
# [[George Berkeley]]
# [[Giordano Bruno]]
# '''[[René Descartes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Denis Diderot]]
# [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte]]
# [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]]
# [[Thomas Hobbes]]
# [[David Hume]]
# '''[[Immanuel Kant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gotthold Ephraim Lessing]]
# '''[[John Locke]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]
# [[Baruch Spinoza]]
# '''[[Voltaire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Modern (27 articles)
# [[Hannah Arendt]]
# [[Simone de Beauvoir]]
# [[Henri Bergson]]
# [[Isaiah Berlin]]
# [[Auguste Comte]]
# [[Jacques Derrida]]
# [[John Dewey]]
# [[Frantz Fanon]]
# [[Michel Foucault]]
# [[Jürgen Habermas]]
# [[Martin Heidegger]]
# [[Edmund Husserl]]
# [[William James]]
# [[Søren Kierkegaard]]
# [[Marshall McLuhan]]
# [[John Stuart Mill]]
# '''[[Friedrich Nietzsche]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Charles Sanders Peirce]]
# [[Karl Popper]]
# [[John Rawls]]
# [[Bertrand Russell]]
# [[Edward Said]]
# [[Jean-Paul Sartre]]
# [[Arthur Schopenhauer]]
# [[Henry David Thoreau]]
# [[Alfred North Whitehead]]
# [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]]
{{Col-end}}

Historians (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient (5 articles)
# [[Eusebius]]
# '''[[Herodotus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tacitus]]
# [[Thucydides]]
# [[Sima Qian]]
{{Col-break}}
Post-classical (4 articles)
# [[Bede]]
# [[Jean Froissart]]
# [[Geoffrey of Monmouth]]
# '''[[Ibn Khaldun]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Early modern (2 articles)
# [[Edward Gibbon]]
# [[Nikolay Karamzin]]
{{Col-break}}
Modern (9 articles)
# [[Charles A. Beard]]
# [[Fernand Braudel]]
# [[Pierre de Coubertin]]
# [[Eric Hobsbawm]]
# [[Theodor Mommsen]]
# [[Leopold von Ranke]]
# [[Sergey Solovyov (historian)|Sergey Solovyov]]
# [[A. J. P. Taylor]]
# [[Frederick Jackson Turner]]
{{Col-end}}

Social scientists, economists and political writers (47 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Antiquity (2 articles)
# [[Chanakya]]
# [[Pāṇini]]

Post-classical (1 article)
# [[Niccolò Machiavelli]]

Early modern period (8 articles)
# [[Edmund Burke]]
# [[Hugo Grotius]]
# [[Thomas Robert Malthus]]
# [[Montesquieu]]
# [[Thomas Paine]]
# [[David Ricardo]]
# '''[[Adam Smith]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mary Wollstonecraft]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}
Modern (36 articles)
# [[Theodor W. Adorno]]
# [[Mikhail Bakunin]]
# [[Edward Bernays]]
# [[Eduard Bernstein]]
# [[Franz Boas]]
# [[Pierre Bourdieu]]
# [[Louis Braille]]
# [[Noam Chomsky]]
# [[W. E. B. Du Bois]]
# [[Émile Durkheim]]
# [[Friedrich Engels]]
# [[Milton Friedman]]
# [[John Kenneth Galbraith]]
# [[Clifford Geertz]]
# [[Antonio Gramsci]]
# [[Friedrich Hayek]]
# [[John Maynard Keynes]]
# [[Peter Kropotkin]]
# [[Claude Lévi-Strauss]]
# '''[[Karl Marx]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Marcel Mauss]]
# [[Bronisław Malinowski]]
# [[Margaret Mead]]
# [[Maria Montessori]]
# [[Vilfredo Pareto]]
# [[Ferdinand de Saussure]]
# [[Heinrich Schliemann]]
# [[Sequoyah]]
# [[Herbert Spencer]]
# [[Talcott Parsons]]
# [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon]]
# [[Alfred Radcliffe-Brown]]
# [[Paul Samuelson]]
# [[Alexis de Tocqueville]]
# [[Max Weber]]
# [[Noah Webster]]
{{Col-end}}

Psychologists (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[Gordon Allport]]
# [[Albert Bandura]]
# [[Raymond Cattell]]
# [[Albert Ellis]]
# [[Erik Erikson]]
# [[Leon Festinger]]
# [[Anna Freud]]
# '''[[Sigmund Freud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Carl Jung]]
# [[Kurt Lewin]]
# [[Abraham Maslow]]
# [[George Armitage Miller]]
# [[Ivan Pavlov]]
# [[Jean Piaget]]
# [[Carl Rogers]]
# [[B. F. Skinner]]
# [[Edward Thorndike]]
# [[Lev Vygotsky]]
# [[John B. Watson]]
# [[Wilhelm Wundt]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Religious figures&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Religious figures (125 articles)==

Hinduism (18 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Ancient (5 articles)
# [[Kanada (philosopher)|Kanada]]
# [[Kapila]]
# [[Patanjali]]
# [[Valmiki]]
# [[Vyasa]]
{{Col-break}}
Medieval (7 articles)
# '''[[Adi Shankara]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Basava]]
# [[Chaitanya Mahaprabhu]]
# [[Gaudapada]]
# [[Kumārila Bhaṭṭa]]
# [[Madhvacharya]]
# [[Ramanuja]]
{{Col-break}}
Modern (6 articles)
# [[A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada]]
# [[Paramahansa Yogananda]]
# [[Ramakrishna]]
# [[Ramana Maharshi]]
# [[Sri Aurobindo]]
# [[Swami Vivekananda]]
{{Col-end}}

Buddhism (15 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# '''[[Gautama Buddha]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[14th Dalai Lama]]
# [[Nagarjuna]]
# [[Padmasambhava]]

{{Col-break}}
Chinese Buddhism (5 articles)
# [[Bodhidharma]]
# [[Kumārajīva]]
# [[Huiyuan (Buddhist)|Huiyuan]]
# [[Zhiyi]]
# [[Huineng]]

{{Col-break}}
Indian Buddhism (4 articles)
# [[Ānanda]]
# [[Maudgalyayana]]
# [[Śāriputra]]
# [[Vasubandhu]]

{{Col-break}}
Japanese Buddhism (2 articles)
# [[Dōgen]]
# [[Kūkai]]
{{Col-end}}

Abrahamic religions (85 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Judaism (6 articles)
# [[Baal Shem Tov]]
# [[Rabbi Akiva]]
# [[Judah Loew ben Bezalel]]
# [[Maimonides]]
# [[Rashi]]
# [[Vilna Gaon]]

{{Col-break}}
Christianity (60 articles)
New Testament figures (8 articles)
# '''[[Jesus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mary, mother of Jesus]]
# [[Mary Magdalene]]
# [[John the Baptist]]
# [[Judas Iscariot]]
# '''[[Paul the Apostle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Saint Peter]]
# [[John the Apostle]]
Pre-Schism (18 articles)
# [[Ambrose]]
# [[Arius]]
# [[Athanasius of Alexandria]]
# [[Basil of Caesarea]]
# [[Benedict of Nursia]]
# [[Clement of Alexandria]]
# [[Cyril of Alexandria]]
# [[Saint George]]
# [[Gregory of Nazianzus]]
# [[Gregory of Nyssa]]
# [[Irenaeus]]
# [[Jerome]]
# [[John Chrysostom]]
# [[John of Damascus]]
# [[Saints Cyril and Methodius]]
# [[Saint Nicholas]]
# [[Origen]]
# [[Tertullian]]

Popes (3 articles)
# [[Pope Clement I]]
# [[Pope Gregory I]]
# [[Pope Leo I]]

Catholic Church (11 articles)
# [[Anselm of Canterbury]]
# [[Bonaventure]]
# [[Francis of Assisi]]
# [[Jan Hus]]
# [[Ignatius of Loyola]]
# [[John of the Cross]]
# [[Mother Teresa]]
# [[Teresa of Ávila]]
# [[Tomás de Torquemada]]
# [[John Wycliffe]]
# [[Francis Xavier]]

Popes (3 articles)
# [[Pope John XXIII]]
# [[Pope John Paul II]]
# [[Pope Pius IX]]

Orthodox Church (2 articles)
# [[Patriarch Nikon of Moscow]]
# [[Grigori Rasputin]]

Protestantism (13 articles)
# [[Jacobus Arminius]]
# [[Karl Barth]]
# [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]]
# [[John Calvin]]
# [[Thomas Cranmer]]
# [[Jonathan Edwards (theologian)|Jonathan Edwards]]
# [[Billy Graham]]
# [[John Knox]]
# '''[[Martin Luther]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philip Melanchthon]]
# [[Desmond Tutu]]
# [[John Wesley]]
# [[Huldrych Zwingli]]

Others (2 articles)
# [[Mary Baker Eddy]]
# [[Joseph Smith]]

{{Col-break}}
Islam (19 articles)
# '''[[Muhammad]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aisha]]
# [[Fatimah]]
# [[Khadija bint Khuwaylid]]

Shia Islam (3 articles)
# [[Ali]]
# [[Husayn ibn Ali]]
# [[Ja'far al-Sadiq]]

Sunni Islam (8 articles)
# [[Ahmad ibn Hanbal]]
# [[Abu Hanifa]]
# [[Malik ibn Anas]]
# [[Muhammad al-Bukhari]]
# [[Muslim ibn al-Hajjaj]]
# [[Al-Shafiʽi]]
# [[Ibn Taymiyyah]]
# [[Al-Nawawi]]

Others (4 articles)
# [[Muhammad ibn Abd al-Wahhab]]
# [[Al-Ghazali]]
# [[Ibn Arabi]]
# [[Mulla Sadra]]
{{Col-end}}

Others (7 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Jainism (1 article)
# [[Mahavira Swami]]

New religious movements (3 articles)
# [[Baháʼu'lláh]]
# [[Helena Blavatsky]]
# [[Aleister Crowley]]

Sikhism (2 articles)
# [[Guru Gobind Singh]]
# [[Guru Nanak]]

Zoroastrianism (1 article)
# [[Zoroaster]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Politicians and leaders&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Politicians and leaders (504 articles)==
Ancient (73 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (11 articles)
# [[Ezana of Axum]]
# [[Gaiseric]]

Egypt (9 articles)
# [[Akhenaten]]
# [[Narmer]]
# '''[[Hatshepsut]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nefertiti]]
# '''[[Ramesses II]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ramesses III]]
# [[Tutankhamun]]
# [[Thutmose I]]
# [[Thutmose III]]

{{Col-break}}
Asia (30 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Asia (7 articles)
# [[Cao Cao]]
# [[Emperor Gaozu of Han]]
# [[Gwanggaeto the Great]]
# [[Modu Chanyu]]
# '''[[Qin Shi Huang]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Emperor Wu of Han]]
# [[Yu the Great]]

Southern Asia (7 articles)
# [[Ajatashatru]]
# '''[[Ashoka]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chandragupta II]]
# [[Chandragupta Maurya]]
# [[Kanishka]]
# [[Menander I]]
# [[Samudragupta]]

Western Asia (11 articles)
# [[Ashurbanipal]]
# '''[[Cyrus the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Darius the Great]]
# '''[[Hammurabi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mithridates VI]]
# [[Nebuchadnezzar II]]
# [[Puduḫepa]]
# '''[[Sargon of Akkad]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tigranes the Great]]
# [[Xerxes I]]
# [[Zenobia]]

Hellenistic Kingdoms (5 articles)
# [[Antigonus I Monophthalmus]]
# [[Antiochus III the Great]]
# [[Seleucus I Nicator]]
# [[Cleopatra]] 
# [[Ptolemy I Soter]] 

{{Col-break}}
Europe (32 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Attila]]
# [[Decebalus]]
# [[Pyrrhus of Epirus]]
Greece (7 articles)
# [[Alcibiades]]
# [[Demosthenes]]
# [[Draco (lawgiver)|Draco]]
# [[Lycurgus of Sparta]]
# [[Pericles]]
# [[Solon]]
# [[Themistocles]]
Macedonia (2 articles)
# '''[[Alexander the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philip II of Macedon]]

Western Europe (5 articles)
# [[Alaric I]]
# [[Arminius]]
# [[Boudica]]
# [[Theodoric I]]
# [[Vercingetorix]]
Ancient Rome (15 articles)
# '''[[Augustus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Julius Caesar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Caligula]]
# [[Cato the Elder]]
# [[Cicero]]
# [[Constantine the Great]]
# [[Diocletian]]
# [[Domitian]]
# [[Gracchi]]
# [[Hadrian]]
# [[Marcus Aurelius]]
# [[Nero]]
# [[Theodosius I]]
# [[Tiberius]]
# [[Trajan]]
{{Col-end}}

Post-classical (130 articles)

Africa (7 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# [[Amda Seyon I]]
# [[Baibars]]
# [[Al-Hakim bi-Amr Allah]]
# [[Mansa Musa]]
# [[Al-Mustansir Billah]]
# [[Al-Nasir Muhammad]]
# [[Zara Yaqob]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (47 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (14 articles)
# [[Batu Khan]]
# [[Bumin Qaghan]]
# [[Hulagu Khan]]
# [[Jochi]]
# [[Khosrow I]]
# [[Mahmud of Ghazni]]
# [[Muhammad of Ghor]]
# [[Muhammad II of Khwarazm]]
# [[Nizam al-Mulk]]
# [[Tamar of Georgia]]
# [[Timur]]
# [[Tokhtamysh]]
# [[Tughril]]
# [[Ulugh Beg]]

Eastern Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[Genghis Khan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ögedei Khan]]
# [[Sejong the Great]]
# [[Taejo of Goryeo]]
# [[Taejo of Joseon]]

China (7 articles)
# [[Hongwu Emperor]]
# [[Kublai Khan]]
# [[Emperor Taizong of Tang]]
# [[Emperor Taizu of Song]]
# [[Emperor Wen of Sui]]
# [[Wu Zetian]]
# [[Yongle Emperor]]

Southeastern Asia (5 articles)
# [[Anawrahta]]
# [[Ram Khamhaeng]]
# [[Gajah Mada]]
# [[Jayavarman VII]]
# [[Suryavarman II]]
Vietnam (3 articles)
# [[Lê Lợi]]
# [[Lê Thánh Tông]]
# [[Trần Thánh Tông]]

Southern Asia (4 articles)
# [[Prithviraj Chauhan]]
# [[Harsha]]
# [[Alauddin Khalji]]
# [[Rajaraja I]]

Western Asia (3 articles)
# [[Saladin]]
# [[Osman I]]
# [[Mehmed the Conqueror]]
Caliphates (6 articles)
# [[Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan]]
# [[Abu Bakr]]
# [[Harun al-Rashid]]
# [[Muawiyah I]]
# [[Omar]]
# [[Uthman]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (76 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Eastern Europe (4 articles)
# [[Stefan Dušan]]
# [[Stephen III of Moldavia]]
# [[Svatopluk I of Moravia]]
# [[Vlad the Impaler]]
Bulgaria (3 articles)
# [[Krum]]
# [[Boris I of Bulgaria]]
# [[Ivan Asen II]]
Byzantine Empire (6 articles)
# [[Justinian I]]
# [[Heraclius]]
# [[Basil II]]
# [[Leo III the Isaurian]]
# [[Manuel I Komnenos]]
# [[Theodora (6th century)|Theodora]]
Hungary (4 articles)
# [[Stephen I of Hungary]]
# [[Béla IV of Hungary]]
# [[Louis I of Hungary]]
# [[Matthias Corvinus]]
Poland and Lithuania (6 articles)
# [[Bolesław I the Brave]]
# [[Casimir III the Great]]
# [[Gediminas]]
# [[Władysław II Jagiełło]]
# [[Mieszko I]]
# [[Vytautas]]
Russia (7 articles)
# [[Alexander Nevsky]]
# [[Daniel of Galicia]]
# [[Dmitry Donskoy]]
# [[Ivan III of Russia]]
# [[Vladimir the Great]]
# [[Sviatoslav I]]
# [[Yaroslav the Wise]]

Western Europe (2 articles)
# [[Cnut the Great]]
# [[Margaret I of Denmark]]
England and Scotland (9 articles)
# [[Æthelstan]]
# [[Alfred the Great]]
# [[Edward I of England]]
# [[Edward III of England]]
# [[Henry II of England]]
# [[John, King of England]]
# [[Richard I of England]]
# [[Robert the Bruce]]
# [[William the Conqueror]]
France (9 articles)
# '''[[Charlemagne]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Charles Martel]]
# [[Clovis I]]
# [[Eleanor of Aquitaine]]
# [[Louis the Pious]]
# [[Louis IX of France]]
# [[Louis XI of France]]
# [[Philip II of France]]
# [[Philip IV of France]]
Germany (2 articles)
# [[Charles the Fat]]
# [[Henry the Lion]]
Holy Roman Empire (6 articles)
# [[Charles IV, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Frederick I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Henry IV, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Otto I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor]]
Italy (7 articles)
# [[Cosimo de' Medici]]
# [[Lorenzo de' Medici]]
# [[Robert Guiscard]]
# [[Roger II of Sicily]]
# [[Girolamo Savonarola]]
# [[Theodoric the Great]]
# [[Totila]]
Papal States (5 articles)
# [[Pope Alexander VI]]
# [[Pope Boniface VIII]]
# [[Pope Gregory VII]]
# [[Pope Innocent III]]
# [[Pope Urban II]]
Spain and Portugal (6 articles)
# [[Abd al-Rahman I]]
# [[Abd al-Rahman III]]
# [[Afonso I of Portugal]]
# [[Ferdinand II of Aragon]]
# [[Prince Henry the Navigator]]
# [[Isabella I of Castile]]
{{Col-end}}

Early modern period (114 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (4 articles)
# [[Ahmad ibn Ibrahim al-Ghazi]]
# [[Ahmad al-Mansur]]
# [[Askia Mohammad I]]
# [[Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba]]
{{Col-break}}
Americas (14 articles)

# [[Atahualpa]]
# [[La Malinche]]
# [[Moctezuma I]]
# [[Moctezuma II]]
# [[Pachacuti]]
# [[Tecumseh]]
# [[Túpac Amaru]]
# [[Túpac Amaru II]]

United States (6 articles)
# '''[[Benjamin Franklin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[George Washington]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Adams]]
# [[Thomas Jefferson]]
# [[Alexander Hamilton]]
# [[James Madison]]

{{Col-break}}
Asia (41 articles)


Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (6 articles)
# [[Abbas the Great]]
# [[Ahmad Shah Durrani]]
# [[Babur]]
# [[Humayun]]
# [[Ismail I]]
# [[Nader Shah]]

Eastern Asia (2 articles)
# [[Jeongjo of Joseon]]
# [[Seonjo of Joseon]]
China (7 articles)
# [[Heshen]]
# [[Hong Taiji]]
# [[Jiajing Emperor]]
# [[Kangxi Emperor]]
# [[Nurhaci]]
# [[Qianlong Emperor]]
# [[Wanli Emperor]]
Japan (3 articles)
# [[Toyotomi Hideyoshi]]
# [[Tokugawa Ieyasu]]
# [[Oda Nobunaga]]

Southern Asia (10 articles)
# [[Akbar]]
# [[Aurangzeb]]
# [[Robert Clive]]
# [[Hyder Ali]]
# [[Prithvi Narayan Shah]]
# [[Shah Jahan]]
# [[Sher Shah Suri]]
# [[Tipu Sultan]]
# [[Shivaji]]
# [[Krishnadevaraya]]

Southeastern Asia (5 articles)
# [[Sultan Agung of Mataram]]
# [[Rama I]]
# [[Iskandar Muda]]
# [[Naresuan]]
# [[Quang Trung]]
Burma (3 articles)
# [[Alaungpaya]]
# [[Bayinnaung]]
# [[Tabinshwehti]]

Western Asia (5 articles)
# [[Mehmed IV]]
# [[Hurrem Sultan]]
# [[Selim I]]
# [[Selim III]]
# '''[[Suleiman the Magnificent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-end}}
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Europe (54 articles)


Eastern Europe (1 article)
# [[Bohdan Khmelnytsky]]
Poland and Lithuania (4 articles)
# [[Augustus II the Strong]]
# [[John III Sobieski]]
# [[Stephen Báthory]]
# [[Sigismund III Vasa]]
Russia (7 articles)
# [[Alexis of Russia]]
# [[Boris Godunov]]
# '''[[Catherine the Great]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Elizabeth of Russia]]
# [[Ivan the Terrible]]
# [[Peter the Great]]
# [[Grigory Potemkin]]

Western Europe (3 articles)
# [[Frederick the Great]]
# [[Frederick William I of Prussia]]
# [[William the Silent]]
England and Scotland (14 articles)
# [[Charles I of England]]
# '''[[Elizabeth I]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[George III]]
# [[Henry V of England]]
# [[Henry VIII]]
# [[James VI and I]]
# [[Oliver Cromwell]]
# [[Mary I of England]]
# [[Mary, Queen of Scots]]
# [[William III of England]]
# [[William Blackstone]]
# [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield]]
# [[William Pitt the Younger]]
# [[Robert Walpole]]

France (17 articles)
# [[Catherine de' Medici]]
# [[Francis I of France]]
# [[Henry IV of France]]
# [[Louis XIV]]
# [[Louis XV]]
# [[Louis XVI]]
# [[Marie Antoinette]]
# [[Cardinal Mazarin]]
# '''[[Napoleon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Madame de Pompadour]]
# [[Cardinal Richelieu]]
Holy Roman Empire, Austria (6 articles)
# [[Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Ferdinand I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Leopold I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Maria Theresa]]

Northern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Charles XII of Sweden]]
# [[Christina, Queen of Sweden]]
# [[Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden]]

Southern Europe (5 articles)
# [[Cesare Borgia]]
# [[Pope Julius II]]
# [[Philip II of Spain]]
# [[Philip V of Spain]]
# [[Sebastião José de Carvalho e Melo, 1st Marquis of Pombal]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Kamehameha I]]

{{Col-end}}

Modern (187 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (29 articles)

Eastern Africa (9 articles)
# [[Idi Amin]]
# [[Haile Selassie]]
# [[Kenneth Kaunda]]
# [[Jomo Kenyatta]]
# [[Julius Nyerere]]
# [[Menelik II]]
# [[Rainilaiarivony]]
# [[Tewodros II]]
# [[Yohannes IV]]

Northern Africa (7 articles)
# [[Muammar Gaddafi]]
# [[Isma'il Pasha]]
# [[Muhammad Ahmad]]
# [[Muhammad Ali of Egypt]]
# [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]]
# [[Emir Abdelkader]]
# [[Anwar Sadat]]

Southern and Central Africa (7 articles)
# [[Hastings Banda]] 
# [[F. W. de Klerk]]
# [[Mobutu Sese Seko]]
# '''[[Nelson Mandela]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Robert Mugabe]]
# [[Cecil Rhodes]]
# [[Shaka]]

Western Africa (6 articles)
# [[Kofi Annan]]
# [[Nnamdi Azikiwe]]
# [[Kwame Nkrumah]]
# [[Olusegun Obasanjo]]
# [[Léopold Sédar Senghor]]
# [[Ellen Johnson Sirleaf]]

{{Col-break}}
Americas (42 articles)

South America (8 articles)
# [[Salvador Allende]]
# '''[[Simón Bolívar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hugo Chávez]]
# [[José de San Martín]]
# [[Eva Perón]]
# [[Augusto Pinochet]]
# [[Antonio José de Sucre]]
# [[Alfredo Stroessner]]
Brazil (3 articles)
# [[Pedro I of Brazil]]
# [[Pedro II of Brazil]]
# [[Getúlio Vargas]]

Central America and the Caribbean (6 articles)
# [[Fidel Castro]]
# [[François Duvalier]]
# [[Toussaint Louverture]]
# [[Francisco Morazán]]
# [[Daniel Ortega]]
# [[Rafael Trujillo]]

Mexico (3 articles)
# [[Porfirio Díaz]]
# [[Benito Juárez]]
# [[Antonio López de Santa Anna]]

United States (20 articles)
# [[George W. Bush]]
# [[John C. Calhoun]]
# [[Henry Clay]]
# [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]
# [[J. Edgar Hoover]]
# [[Andrew Jackson]]
# [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]
# [[John F. Kennedy]]
# '''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Marshall]]
# [[Richard Nixon]]
# [[Barack Obama]]
# [[James K. Polk]]
# [[Ronald Reagan]]
# [[Eleanor Roosevelt]]
# [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]
# [[Theodore Roosevelt]]
# [[Sitting Bull]]
# [[Harry S. Truman]]
# [[Woodrow Wilson]]

Canada (2 articles)
# [[John A. Macdonald]]
# [[Pierre Trudeau]]

{{Col-break}}
Asia (49 articles)

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (5 articles)
# [[Ruhollah Khomeini]]
# [[Mohammad Mosaddegh]]
# [[Mohammad Reza Pahlavi]]
# [[Mohammed Zahir Shah]]
# [[Eduard Shevardnadze]]
''Eastern Asia''
China (7 articles)
# [[Chiang Kai-shek]]
# [[Empress Dowager Cixi]]
# [[Deng Xiaoping]]
# [[Jiang Qing]]
# '''[[Mao Zedong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Puyi]]
# [[Zhou Enlai]]
Japan (4 articles)
# [[Hirohito]]
# [[Emperor Meiji]]
# [[Eisaku Satō]]
# [[Hideki Tojo]]
Korea (3 articles)
# [[Kim Il-sung]]
# [[Park Chung-hee]]
# [[Syngman Rhee]]

Southeastern Asia (11 articles)
# [[Corazon Aquino]]
# [[Chulalongkorn]]
# [[Ferdinand Marcos]]
# [[Ho Chi Minh]]
# [[Lee Kuan Yew]]
# [[Mahathir Mohamad]]
# [[Mindon Min]]
# [[Ne Win]]
# [[Pol Pot]]
# [[Suharto]]
# [[Sukarno]]

Southern Asia (3 articles)
# [[Benazir Bhutto]]
# [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]]
# [[Sheikh Mujibur Rahman]]
India (7 articles)
# [[George Curzon, 1st Marquess Curzon of Kedleston]]
# [[Indira Gandhi]]
# [[Jawaharlal Nehru]]
# [[Vallabhbhai Patel]]
# [[Manmohan Singh]]
# [[Bal Gangadhar Tilak]]
# [[Atal Bihari Vajpayee]]

Western Asia (9 articles)
# [[Abdul Hamid II]]
# [[Yasser Arafat]]
# [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]]
# [[David Ben-Gurion]]
# [[Faisal of Saudi Arabia]]
# [[Saddam Hussein]]
# [[Ibn Saud]]
# [[Mahmud II]]
# [[Golda Meir]]
{{Col-break}}
Europe (66 articles)

Central Europe (5 articles)
# [[Alexander Dubček]]
# [[Francis II, Holy Roman Emperor]]
# [[Václav Havel]]
# [[Franz Joseph I of Austria]]
# [[Klemens von Metternich]]

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Symon Petliura]]
# [[Józef Piłsudski]]
# [[Lech Wałęsa]]
Southeastern Europe (6 articles)
# [[Ion Antonescu]]
# [[Nicolae Ceaușescu]]
# [[Enver Hoxha]]
# [[Slobodan Milošević]]
# [[Ante Pavelić]]
# [[Josip Broz Tito]]
Russia and USSR (12 articles)
# [[Alexander I of Russia]]
# [[Alexander II of Russia]]
# [[Leonid Brezhnev]]
# [[Mikhail Gorbachev]]
# [[Nikita Khrushchev]]
# '''[[Vladimir Lenin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nicholas I of Russia]]
# [[Nicholas II of Russia]]
# [[Vladimir Putin]]
# '''[[Joseph Stalin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leon Trotsky]]
# [[Boris Yeltsin]]

Scandinavia (4 articles)
# [[Gro Harlem Brundtland]]
# [[Charles XIV John]]
# [[Carl Gustaf Emil Mannerheim]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dag Hammarskjöld]]

Western Europe (1 article)
# [[Leopold II of Belgium]]
France (6 articles)
# [[Georges Clemenceau]]
# [[Charles de Gaulle]]
# [[François Mitterrand]]
# [[Louis Philippe I]]
# [[Napoleon III]]
# [[Adolphe Thiers]]
Germany (12 articles)
# [[Konrad Adenauer]]
# [[Otto von Bismarck]]
# [[Willy Brandt]]
# [[Joseph Goebbels]]
# '''[[Adolf Hitler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Heinrich Himmler]]
# [[Erich Honecker]]
# [[Helmut Kohl]]
# [[Angela Merkel]]
# [[Albert Speer]]
# [[William I, German Emperor]]
# [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor]]
Iberia (3 articles)
# [[Francisco Franco]]
# [[Juan Carlos I]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[António de Oliveira Salazar]]

Ireland (3 articles)
# [[Michael Collins (Irish leader)|Michael Collins]]
# [[Charles Stewart Parnell]]
# [[Éamon de Valera]]
Italy (2 articles)
# [[Camillo Benso, Count of Cavour]]
# [[Benito Mussolini]]
United Kingdom (9 articles)
# [[Robert Peel]]
# [[Queen Victoria]]
# [[William Ewart Gladstone]]
# [[Benjamin Disraeli]]
# [[David Lloyd George]]
# '''[[Winston Churchill]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Clement Attlee]]
# [[Elizabeth II]]
# [[Margaret Thatcher]]
{{Col-end}}

Oceania (1 article)
# [[John Curtin]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Military leaders and theorists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Military leaders and theorists (52 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient history (8 articles)
# [[Flavius Aetius]]
# [[Hannibal]]
# [[Zhuge Liang]]
# [[Mark Antony]]
# [[Pompey]]
# [[Scipio Africanus]]
# [[Sulla]]
# [[Sun Tzu]]

Post-classical history (10 articles)
# [[Amr ibn al-As]]
# [[El Cid]]
# [[Godfrey of Bouillon]]
# '''[[Joan of Arc]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[John Hunyadi]]
# [[Subutai]]
# [[Trần Hưng Đạo]]
# [[William Wallace]]
# [[Jan Žižka]]
# [[Khalid ibn al-Walid]]
{{Col-break}}

Early modern history (13 articles)
# [[Afonso de Albuquerque]]
# [[Fernando Álvarez de Toledo, 3rd Duke of Alba]]
# [[Hayreddin Barbarossa]]
# [[John Churchill, 1st Duke of Marlborough]]
# [[Hernán Cortés]]
# [[Michiel de Ruyter]]
# [[Francis Drake]]
# [[Miyamoto Musashi]]
# [[Prince Eugene of Savoy]]
# [[Francisco Pizarro]]
# [[Maurice de Saxe]]
# [[Alexander Suvorov]]
# [[Yi Sun-sin]]
{{Col-break}}

Modern history (21 articles)
# [[Robert Baden-Powell, 1st Baron Baden-Powell]]
# [[Carl von Clausewitz]]
# [[Enver Pasha]]
# [[Giuseppe Garibaldi]]
# [[Hermann Göring]]
# [[Ulysses S. Grant]]
# [[Paul von Hindenburg]]
# [[T. E. Lawrence]]
# [[Robert E. Lee]]
# [[Erich Ludendorff]]
# [[Douglas MacArthur]]
# [[Alfred Thayer Mahan]]&lt;!--Naval theorist--&gt;
# [[George Marshall]]
# [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder]]
# [[Bernard Montgomery]]
# [[Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson]]
# [[Erwin Rommel]]
# [[Võ Nguyên Giáp]]
# [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]
# [[Isoroku Yamamoto]]
# [[Georgy Zhukov]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Rebels, revolutionaries and activists&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Rebels, revolutionaries and activists (54 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Ancient history (1 article)
# [[Spartacus]]

Post-classical history (3 articles)
# [[Abu Muslim]]
# [[Babak Khorramdin]]
# [[Huang Chao]]

Early modern history (8 articles)
General (5 articles)
# [[Blackbeard]]
# [[Bartolomé de las Casas]]
# [[Thomas Müntzer]]
# [[Yemelyan Pugachev]]
# [[William Wilberforce]]

France (3 articles)
# [[Georges Danton]]
# [[Jean-Paul Marat]]&lt;!--France--&gt;
# [[Maximilien Robespierre]]
{{Col-break}}

Modern history (42 articles)
Americas (20 articles)
# [[Che Guevara]]
# [[Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla]]
# [[Louis Riel]]
# [[Pancho Villa]]
# [[Emiliano Zapata]]
United States (15 articles)
# [[Jane Addams]]
# [[Susan B. Anthony]]
# [[Frederick Douglass]]
# [[Betty Friedan]]
# [[Helen Keller]]
# [[Martin Luther King Jr.]]
# [[Malcolm X]]
# [[Harvey Milk]]
# [[John Muir]]
# [[Rosa Parks]]
# [[Margaret Sanger]]
# [[Elizabeth Cady Stanton]]
# [[Sojourner Truth]]
# [[Harriet Tubman]]
# [[Booker T. Washington]]
{{Col-break}}

Africa (5 articles)
# [[Steve Biko]]
# [[Patrice Lumumba]]
# [[Sayyid Qutb]]
# [[Thomas Sankara]]
# [[Ken Saro-Wiwa]]

Asia (11 articles)
# [[B. R. Ambedkar]]
# [[Aung San]]
# [[Osama bin Laden]]
# [[Subhas Chandra Bose]]
# [[Diponegoro]]
# '''[[Mahatma Gandhi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hong Xiuquan]]
# [[José Rizal]]
# [[Rani of Jhansi]]
# [[Sun Yat-sen]]
# [[Aung San Suu Kyi]]

Europe (6 articles)
# [[Henry Dunant]]
# [[Emma Goldman]]
# [[Theodor Herzl]]
# [[Rosa Luxemburg]]
# [[Nestor Makhno]]
# [[Emmeline Pankhurst]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Scientists, inventors and mathematicians&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Scientists, inventors and mathematicians (253 articles)==

Ancient figures (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Ancient (13 articles)
# [[Apollonius of Perga]]
# '''[[Archimedes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diophantus]]
# [[Eratosthenes]]
# '''[[Euclid]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Galen]]
# [[Hipparchus]]
# [[Hypatia]]
# '''[[Hippocrates]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pliny the Elder]]
# [[Ptolemy]]
# [[Pythagoras]]
# [[Zhang Heng]]

Post-classical (12 articles)
# [[Al-Zahrawi|Abu al-Qasim al-Zahrawi]]
# [[Al-Biruni]]
# [[Ibn al-Haytham]]
# [[Aryabhata]]
# '''[[Avicenna]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brahmagupta]]
# [[Fibonacci]]
# '''[[Jabir ibn Hayyan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Muhammad ibn Musa al-Khwarizmi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Muhammad ibn Zakariya al-Razi]]
# [[Nasir al-Din al-Tusi]]
# '''[[Shen Kuo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

Physics and astronomy (66 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Early modern (5 articles)
# [[William Gilbert (physician)|William Gilbert]]
# [[Robert Hooke]]
# [[Christiaan Huygens]]&lt;!--optics--&gt;
# [[Mikhail Lomonosov]]&lt;!--Greatest Russian scientist--&gt;
# '''[[Isaac Newton]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Modern (51 articles)
# [[Amedeo Avogadro]]&lt;!--pressure/atoms--&gt;
# [[André-Marie Ampère]]&lt;!--father of electrodynamics--&gt;
# [[Henri Becquerel]]&lt;!--discovered natural radioactivity--&gt;
# [[Hans Bethe]]&lt;!-- stellar nucleosynthesis --&gt;
# '''[[Niels Bohr]]'''&lt;!--contributed to quantum theory &amp; nuclear reactions--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ludwig Boltzmann]]
# [[Max Born]]
# [[William Henry Bragg]]&lt;!--x-ray spectrometry--&gt;
# [[Nicolas Léonard Sadi Carnot]]&lt;!--founded thermodynamics--&gt;
# [[Henry Cavendish]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[James Chadwick]]
# '''[[Marie Curie]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre Curie]]&lt;!--discovered piezoelectricity--&gt;
# [[John Dalton]]
# [[Paul Dirac]]&lt;!--co-found quantum electrodynamics; antimatter--&gt;
# '''[[Albert Einstein]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Michael Faraday]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Enrico Fermi]]&lt;!--self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction--&gt;
# [[Richard Feynman]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Léon Foucault]]&lt;!--invented the gyroscope--&gt;
# [[Augustin-Jean Fresnel]]&lt;!--transverse light waves--&gt;
# [[Murray Gell-Mann]]&lt;!--explanation of strange particles--&gt;
# [[Stephen Hawking]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Werner Heisenberg]]&lt;!--quantum mechanics--&gt;
# [[Hermann von Helmholtz]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[James Hutton]]&lt;!--geologist--&gt;
# [[James Prescott Joule]]&lt;!--mechanical equivalent of heat--&gt;
# [[Charles K. Kao]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[Gustav Kirchhoff]]&lt;!--3 laws of spectral analysis--&gt;
# [[Ernest Lawrence]]&lt;!--invented cyclotron--&gt;
# [[Tsung-Dao Lee]]
# [[Hendrik Lorentz]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Ernst Mach]]&lt;!--Mach number/sound--&gt;
# '''[[James Clerk Maxwell]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lise Meitner]] &lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Albert A. Michelson]]&lt;!--interferometer, precisely measured speed of light--&gt;
# [[Robert Andrews Millikan]]&lt;!--coined &quot;cosmic rays&quot;--&gt;
# [[Georg Ohm]]&lt;!--Ohm's law/resistance--&gt;
# [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]&lt;!--first A-bomb--&gt;
# [[Hans Christian Ørsted]]&lt;!--electric magnet--&gt;
# [[Wolfgang Pauli]]&lt;!--discovered exclusion principle; neutrino--&gt;
# [[Max Planck]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[C. V. Raman]]
# [[Wilhelm Röntgen]]&lt;!-- X-rays --&gt;
# [[Andrei Sakharov]]&lt;!--father of the Soviet hydrogen bomb--&gt;
# [[Erwin Schrödinger]]&lt;!--Schrödinger wave equation--&gt;
# [[Edward Teller]]&lt;!--H-bomb--&gt;
# [[J. J. Thomson]]
# [[William Thomson, 1st Baron Kelvin]]
# [[Johannes Diderik van der Waals]]
# [[Thomas Young (scientist)|Thomas Young]]&lt;!--wave nature of light--&gt;

Astronomy (10 articles)
# [[Tycho Brahe]]
# '''[[Nicolaus Copernicus]]'''&lt;!-- heliocentric model --&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Galileo Galilei]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Edmond Halley]]
# [[Caroline Herschel]]
# [[William Herschel]]
# [[Edwin Hubble]]
# [[Johannes Kepler]]
# [[Georges Lemaître]]
# [[Carl Sagan]]&lt;!--Cosmos--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Chemistry (24 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Svante Arrhenius]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Jöns Jacob Berzelius]]
# [[Robert Boyle]]&lt;!--physicist/chemist &quot;Boyle's law&quot;--&gt;
# [[Humphry Davy]]
# [[Peter Debye]]
# [[Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac]]&lt;!--chemist &quot;Gay-Lussac's law&quot;--&gt;
# [[Josiah Willard Gibbs]]&lt;!--physicist/chemist &quot;Gibbs effect, Gibbs free energy&quot;--&gt;
# [[Fritz Haber]]
# [[Otto Hahn]]
# [[Jacobus Henricus van 't Hoff]]
# [[Dorothy Hodgkin]]
# [[Irving Langmuir]]
# '''[[Antoine Lavoisier]]'''&lt;!--chemist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gilbert N. Lewis]]&lt;!--covalent bond, heavy water, Lewis acids/bases--&gt;
# [[Justus von Liebig]]
# '''[[Dmitri Mendeleev]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Linus Pauling]]&lt;!--chemist/biochemist--&gt;
# [[Joseph Priestley]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Ilya Prigogine]]
# [[Ernest Rutherford]]&lt;!--chemist--&gt;
# [[Frederick Sanger]]
# [[Harold Urey]]
# [[Friedrich Wöhler]]
# [[Robert Burns Woodward]]
{{Div col end}}

Life sciences (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (17 articles)
# [[Louis Agassiz]]
# [[John James Audubon]]
# [[Norman Borlaug]]
# [[Rachel Carson]]
# [[George Washington Carver]]
# [[Jacques Cousteau]]&lt;!--invented SCUBA--&gt;
# '''[[Charles Darwin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexander Fleming]]
# [[Stephen Jay Gould]]
# [[W. D. Hamilton]]
# [[Ernst Haeckel]]
# [[Joseph Dalton Hooker]]
# [[Edward Jenner]]
# [[Charles Lyell]]
# [[Marie Tharp]]
# [[Eugenius Warming]]
# [[Alfred Wegener]]
{{Col-break}}

Biology (18 articles)
# [[Joseph Banks]]
# [[Edward Drinker Cope]]&lt;!--helped to define the field of American palaeontology--&gt;
# [[Francis Crick]]&lt;!--co-discoverer of DNA structure--&gt;
# [[Georges Cuvier]]
# [[Rosalind Franklin]]
# [[Jane Goodall]]
# [[Thomas Henry Huxley]]&lt;!--studied dinosaurs as birds?--&gt;
# [[Alfred Kinsey]]
# [[Hans Adolf Krebs]]&lt;!--discovered the urea cycle and the citric acid cycle--&gt;
# [[Jean-Baptiste Lamarck]]&lt;!--evolution--&gt;
# [[Antonie van Leeuwenhoek]]&lt;!--father of microbiology--&gt;
# '''[[Carl Linnaeus]]'''&lt;!--taxonomy--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Konrad Lorenz]]
# [[Barbara McClintock]]&lt;!--genetic work, including discovery of DNA transposition--&gt;
# [[Gregor Mendel]]&lt;!--foundation of the modern science of genetics--&gt;
# [[Santiago Ramón y Cajal]]&lt;!--father of modern neuroscience--&gt;
# [[Alfred Russel Wallace]]
# [[James Watson]]&lt;!--co-discoverer of DNA structure--&gt;
{{Col-break}}

Medicine (10 articles)
# [[William Harvey]]
# [[Robert Koch]]
# [[Li Shizhen]]
# [[Joseph Lister]]
# [[Florence Nightingale]]
# [[Paracelsus]]
# '''[[Louis Pasteur]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jonas Salk]]
# [[Ignaz Semmelweis]]
# [[Andreas Vesalius]]
{{Col-end}}

Inventors and engineers (36 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Leo Baekeland]]
# [[John Logie Baird]]
# [[John Bardeen]]&lt;!--transistor 1947--&gt;
# [[Alexander Graham Bell]]
# [[Carl Benz]]
# [[Isambard Kingdom Brunel]]
# [[Emile Berliner]]&lt;!--made flat records--&gt;
# [[Wernher von Braun]]&lt;!-- aerospace engineer and space architect who was the leading figure in the development of rocket technology in Germany and the father of rocket technology and space science in the United States--&gt;
# [[Cai Lun]] &lt;!--paper--&gt;
# [[Wallace Carothers]]&lt;!--nylon @DuPont--&gt;
# [[Louis Daguerre]]&lt;!--Photography (daguerreotype)--&gt;
# [[Rudolf Diesel]]
# [[Lee de Forest]]&lt;!--invented triode 1907--&gt;
# [[George Eastman]]&lt;!--camera--&gt;
# '''[[Thomas Edison]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gustave Eiffel]] &lt;!--300 meter tower, bridges--&gt;
# [[Philo Farnsworth]]&lt;!--Innovator of the television--&gt;
# [[Robert Fulton]]&lt;!--steamboat--&gt;
# '''[[Johannes Gutenberg]]'''&lt;!--invented lead moveable type--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jack Kilby]]&lt;!--co-invented IC chip--&gt;
# [[Sergei Korolev]]&lt;!--regarded by many as the father of practical astronautics--&gt;
# [[Guglielmo Marconi]]&lt;!--inventor:wireless-- --&gt;
# [[Cyrus McCormick]]&lt;!--mechanical reaper invented 1831--&gt;
# [[Montgolfier brothers]]&lt;!--hot air ballon--&gt;
# [[Samuel Morse]]&lt;!--Telegraph--&gt;
# [[Nicéphore Niépce]]&lt;!--photography--&gt;
# [[Alfred Nobel]]&lt;!--Prize/dynamite--&gt;
# [[Charles Algernon Parsons]]&lt;!--steam turbine--&gt;
# [[William Shockley]]&lt;!--transistor 1947--&gt;
# [[George Stephenson]]&lt;!--Locomotive, blast furnace--&gt;
# '''[[Nikola Tesla]]'''&lt;!--physicist--&gt; ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alessandro Volta]]&lt;!--battery--&gt;
# [[James Watt]]&lt;!--steam engine--&gt;
# [[Eli Whitney]]&lt;!--invented cotton gin--&gt;
# [[Steve Wozniak]]&lt;!--Apple--&gt;
# [[Wright brothers]]&lt;!--Flyer--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Mathematicians (45 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Early modern (9 articles)
# [[Jean le Rond d'Alembert]]
# [[Daniel Bernoulli]]&lt;!--physicist--&gt;
# [[Jacob Bernoulli]]
# [[Johann Bernoulli]]
# [[Gerolamo Cardano]]
# '''[[Leonhard Euler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pierre de Fermat]]
# [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz]]
# [[Blaise Pascal]]

Modern (36 articles)
# [[Niels Henrik Abel]]
# [[Stefan Banach]]
# [[George Boole]]
# [[Georg Cantor]]
# [[Augustin-Louis Cauchy]]
# [[Arthur Cayley]]
# [[Peter Gustav Lejeune Dirichlet]]
# [[Ronald Fisher]]
# [[Joseph Fourier]]
# [[Gottlob Frege]]
# [[Évariste Galois]]
# [[Francis Galton]]&lt;!--statistician/progressive/polymath/sociologist/psychologist/anthropologist/eugenicist/tropical explorer/geographer/inventor/meteorologist/ proto-geneticist/psychometrician--&gt;
# '''[[Carl Friedrich Gauss]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Kurt Gödel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexander Grothendieck]]
# [[William Rowan Hamilton]]
# [[Charles Hermite]]
# [[David Hilbert]]
# [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi]]
# [[Andrey Kolmogorov]]
# [[Joseph-Louis Lagrange]]
# '''[[Pierre-Simon Laplace]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nikolai Lobachevsky]]
# [[Benoit Mandelbrot]]
# [[Gaspard Monge]]
# [[John von Neumann]]
# '''[[Emmy Noether]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Karl Pearson]]
# [[Henri Poincaré]]
# [[Siméon Denis Poisson]]
# [[Srinivasa Ramanujan]]
# [[Bernhard Riemann]]
# [[Claude Shannon]]
# [[Alfred Tarski]]
# [[Karl Weierstrass]]
# [[Hermann Weyl]]
{{Div col end}}

Computer scientists (12 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Charles Babbage]]
# [[Tim Berners-Lee]]&lt;!--HTTP &amp; HTML--&gt;
# [[Seymour Cray]]&lt;!--Cray supercomputer--&gt;
# [[Edsger W. Dijkstra]]&lt;!--Dijkstra's algorithm/structured programming--&gt;
# [[Douglas Engelbart]]&lt;!--computer mouse inventor--&gt;
# [[Grace Hopper]]&lt;!--first compiler--&gt;
# [[Donald Knuth]]&lt;!--algorithms--&gt;
# [[Herman Hollerith]]
# [[Ada Lovelace]]&lt;!--first programmer--&gt;
# [[Dennis Ritchie]]&lt;!--Unix/C--&gt;
# [[Linus Torvalds]]
# '''[[Alan Turing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sports figures&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sports figures (98 articles)==

Individual sports (53 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
Athletics (13 articles)&lt;!--includes field events such as jumping, throwing--&gt;
# [[Fanny Blankers-Koen]]&lt;!--1948--&gt;
# [[Usain Bolt]]&lt;!--2008-2012--&gt;
# [[Sergey Bubka]]&lt;!--pole vault--&gt;
# [[Hicham El Guerrouj]]&lt;!--2000s--&gt;
# [[Haile Gebrselassie]]&lt;!--2000s--&gt;
# [[Florence Griffith Joyner]]
# [[Jackie Joyner-Kersee]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Carl Lewis]]&lt;!--1984–1996--&gt;
# [[Edwin Moses]]&lt;!--1984--&gt;
# [[Paavo Nurmi]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Jesse Owens]]&lt;!--1936--&gt;
# [[Wilma Rudolph]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Emil Zátopek]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Auto racing (4 articles)
# [[Juan Manuel Fangio]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[A. J. Foyt]]&lt;!--Most wins, Most Indy wins--&gt;
# [[Michael Schumacher]]&lt;!--1990s and 2000s--&gt;
# [[Ayrton Senna]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Biathlon (1 article)
# [[Ole Einar Bjørndalen]]

Boxing (3 articles)
# [[Muhammad Ali]]&lt;!--1974--&gt;
# [[Joe Louis]]&lt;!--1930s and 1940s--&gt;
# [[Sugar Ray Robinson]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Chess (2 articles)
# [[Bobby Fischer]]
# [[Garry Kasparov]]

Climbing and mountaineering (3 articles)
# [[Edmund Hillary]]&lt;!--Everest--&gt;
# [[Junko Tabei]]
# [[Tenzing Norgay]]

Cycling (1 article)
# [[Eddy Merckx]]&lt;!--5 Tour de France wins--&gt;

Figure skating (1 article)
# [[Sonja Henie]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Golf (3 articles)
# [[Jack Nicklaus]]&lt;!--18 mainstream majors (8 senior majors (both records)--&gt;
# [[Annika Sörenstam]]&lt;!--1992–2008. One of the candidates for greatest women's golfer of all time.--&gt;
# [[Tiger Woods]]&lt;!--1996-present--&gt;

Gymnastics (3 articles)
# [[Nadia Comăneci]]&lt;!--1976/1980 Gold gym/floor--&gt;
# [[Olga Korbut]]
# [[Larisa Latynina]]&lt;!--1956/1960 Gold gym+floor--&gt;

Martial arts (1 article)
# [[Bruce Lee]]&lt;!--actor/martial artist--&gt;
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Skiing (2 articles)
# [[Marit Bjørgen]]&lt;!--Most decorated winter sports athlete--&gt;
# [[Ingemar Stenmark]]&lt;!-- won far more international races than any other alpine skier in history - 86 (46 giant slaloms and 40 slaloms)--&gt;

Speed skating (2 articles)
# [[Bonnie Blair]]&lt;!--1994 Gold--&gt;
# [[Eric Heiden]]&lt;!--1980 (5 golds--&gt;

Swimming (3 articles)
# [[Michael Phelps]]&lt;!--2004/2016--&gt;
# [[Mark Spitz]]&lt;!--1972 Gold (7)--&gt;
# [[Johnny Weissmuller]]&lt;!--5 Olympic medals--&gt;

Tennis (8 articles)
# [[Margaret Court]]&lt;!--1960–1977. Most Grand Slam titles in history; only player to have won singles, same-sex doubles, and mixed doubles at all Grand Slam events (the &quot;boxed set&quot;) at least twice.--&gt;
# [[Roger Federer]]&lt;!--20xx Most Grand Slam singles titles by a male player in history--&gt;
# [[Steffi Graf]]&lt;!--19xx Last player to win a calendar-year Grand Slam; most Grand Slam singles titles in the open era.--&gt;
# [[Rod Laver]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Suzanne Lenglen]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Rafael Nadal]]&lt;!--20xx--&gt;
# [[Martina Navratilova]]&lt;!--19xx Boxed set of Grand Slam titles--&gt;
# [[Serena Williams]]&lt;!--20xx--&gt;

Wrestling (1 article)
# [[Aleksandr Karelin]]

Multiple sports (2 articles)
# [[Jim Thorpe]]&lt;!--1910s and 1920s--&gt;&lt;!--Won a gold medal in the decathlon, member of Pro Football Hall of Fame, and played Pro Baseball--&gt;
# [[Babe Didrikson Zaharias]]&lt;!--1930s to 1950s--&gt;&lt;!--Highly notable in both athletics AND golf--&gt;
{{Col-end}}

Team sports (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
American football (3 articles)
# [[Jim Brown]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Jerry Rice]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Vince Lombardi]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Association football (14 articles)
# [[Franz Beckenbauer]]
# [[Johan Cruyff]]
# [[Alfredo Di Stéfano]]
# [[Eusébio]]
# [[Mia Hamm]]
# [[Diego Maradona]]
# [[Lionel Messi]]
# [[Pelé]]&lt;!--2008 Lifetime Achievement Award--&gt;
# [[Michel Platini]]
# [[Ferenc Puskás]]
# [[Ronaldo (Brazilian footballer)|Ronaldo]]
# [[Cristiano Ronaldo]]
# [[Lev Yashin]]
# [[Zinedine Zidane]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Baseball (6 articles)
# [[Hank Aaron]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Ty Cobb]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Willie Mays]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Sadaharu Oh]]
# [[Jackie Robinson]]&lt;!--1947–1957; broke baseball's 20th-century color line--&gt;
# [[Babe Ruth]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;

Basketball (6 articles)
# [[Kareem Abdul-Jabbar]]&lt;!--1985--&gt;
# [[Wilt Chamberlain]]&lt;!--1970--&gt;
# [[LeBron James]]
# [[Magic Johnson]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Michael Jordan]]&lt;!--1984–2003--&gt;
# [[James Naismith]]

Rugby union (3 articles)
# [[Gareth Edwards]]
# [[Jonah Lomu]]
# [[Colin Meads]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Cricket (7 articles)
# [[Don Bradman]]
# [[W. G. Grace]]
# [[Sydney Barnes]]
# [[Viv Richards]]
# [[Garfield Sobers]]
# [[Sachin Tendulkar]]
# [[Shane Warne]]

Field hockey (2 articles)
# [[Luciana Aymar]]
# [[Dhyan Chand]]

Ice hockey (3 articles)
# [[Wayne Gretzky]]&lt;!--1982--&gt;
# [[Gordie Howe]]&lt;!--19xx--&gt;
# [[Vladislav Tretiak]]

Rowing (1 article)
# [[Steve Redgrave]]&lt;!--1984-2000--&gt;
{{Col-end}}
&lt;!-- --------------------------------------------- last group of people--&gt;
=History (686 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (3 articles)==
# '''[[Human history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[History]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Civilization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by continent and region&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by continent and region (18 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[History of Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of North Africa]]
# '''[[History of Europe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of Scandinavia]]
## [[History of the Mediterranean region]]
# '''[[History of North America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of the Caribbean]]
# '''[[History of South America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of Oceania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[History of East Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[History of China]]
### [[History of Korea]]
## '''[[History of India]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of Southeast Asia]]
## [[History of Central Asia]]
## '''[[History of the Middle East]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[History of Antarctica]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by country&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by country (40 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=31%}}
Africa (6 articles)
# [[History of Egypt]]
# [[History of Ethiopia]]
# [[History of Morocco]]
# [[History of Nigeria]]
# [[History of South Africa]]
# [[History of Sudan]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[History of Brazil]]
# [[History of Canada]]
# [[History of Mexico]]
# [[History of Peru]]
# [[History of the United States]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[History of Australia]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Asia (13 articles)
# [[History of Afghanistan]]
# [[History of the People's Republic of China]]
# [[History of India (1947–present)]]
# [[History of Indonesia]]
# [[History of Iran]]
# [[History of Iraq]]
# [[History of Israel]]
# [[History of Japan]]
# [[History of Pakistan]]
# [[History of the Philippines]]
# [[History of Thailand]]
# [[History of Turkey]]
# [[History of Vietnam]]
{{Col-break|width=34%}}

Europe (15 articles)
# [[History of Austria]]
# [[History of Germany]]
# [[History of Greece]]
# [[History of the Netherlands]]
# [[History of the United Kingdom]]
## [[History of England]]
## [[History of Scotland]]
## [[History of Ireland]]
# [[History of France]]
# [[History of Italy]]
# [[History of Poland]]
# [[History of Portugal]]
# [[History of Russia]]
# [[History of Spain]]
# [[History of Ukraine]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Prehistory&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Prehistory (15 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Prehistory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Early human migrations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Stone Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Paleolithic]]
## [[Lower Paleolithic]]
## [[Middle Paleolithic]]
### [[Control of fire by early humans]]
## [[Upper Paleolithic]]
### [[Behavioral modernity]]
# [[Mesolithic]]
# [[Neolithic]]
## '''[[Neolithic Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cradle of civilization]]
## [[Prehistoric Egypt]]
## [[Proto-Indo-Europeans]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Ancient history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ancient history (127 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Ancient history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Bronze Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chalcolithic]]
# '''[[Iron Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Classical antiquity]]
## [[Hellenistic period]]
# [[Late antiquity]]
# '''[[Silk Road]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Africa (15 articles)
# '''[[Ancient Egypt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Old Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[Middle Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[New Kingdom of Egypt]]
## [[Ptolemaic Kingdom]]
## [[Pharaoh]]
## [[Valley of the Kings]]
# [[Kingdom of Aksum]]
# [[Bantu expansion]]
# [[Ancient Carthage]]
## [[Punic Wars]]
# [[Nok culture]]
# [[Nubia]]
## [[Kingdom of Kush]]
# [[Land of Punt]]

Americas (11 articles)
# [[Ancestral Puebloans]]
# '''[[Andean civilizations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chavín culture]]
## [[Norte Chico civilization]]
# '''[[Mesoamerica]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Maya civilization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Olmecs]]
## [[Zapotec civilization]]
# [[Paleo-Indians]]
## [[Clovis culture]]
# [[Settlement of the Americas]]

Asia (61 articles)

Central Asia, Iran, Caucasus (12 articles)
# '''[[Achaemenid Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Atropatene]]
# [[Bactria]]
# [[Caucasian Albania]]
# [[Elam]]
# [[Kingdom of Iberia]]
# [[Medes]]
# [[Parthian Empire]]
# [[Roman–Persian Wars]]
# [[Sasanian Empire]]
# [[Sogdia]]
# [[Tocharians]]
{{Col-break}}

East Asia (16 articles)
&lt;!-- ancient China and Imperial China before the Sui Dynasty --&gt;
# [[Gojoseon]]
# '''[[Han dynasty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jin dynasty (266–420)|Jin dynasty]]
# [[Jōmon period]]
# [[Northern and Southern dynasties]]
# [[Shang dynasty]]
# [[Sixteen Kingdoms]]
# [[Qin dynasty]]
# [[Spring and Autumn period]]
# [[Three Kingdoms]]
# [[Three Kingdoms of Korea]]
# [[Warring States period]]
# [[Xia dynasty]]
# [[Xiongnu]]
# [[Yayoi period]]
# [[Zhou dynasty]]

Southeast Asia (3 articles)
# [[Hồng Bàng dynasty]]
# [[Nanyue]]
# [[Pyu city-states]]

South Asia (10 articles)
# '''[[Gupta Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Indus Valley Civilisation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chola dynasty]]
# [[Indo-Greek Kingdom]]
# [[Indo-Scythians]]
# [[Kushan Empire]]
# [[Magadha]]
# [[Maurya Empire]]
# [[Satavahana dynasty]]
# [[Vedic period]]

West Asia (20 articles)
# [[Fertile Crescent]]
## '''[[Mesopotamia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sumer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Assyria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Babylonia]]
## [[Chaldea]]
# [[Akkadian Empire]]
# [[Amorites]]
# [[Kingdom of Armenia (antiquity)|Kingdom of Armenia]]
# [[Ebla]]
# [[History of ancient Israel and Judah]]
# [[Hittites]]
# [[Lydia]]
# [[Mitanni]]
# [[Phoenicia]]
# [[Phrygia]]
# [[Seleucid Empire]]
# [[Sabaeans]]
# [[Trojan War]]
# [[Urartu]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (32 articles)
&lt;!-- see also under &quot;Cities, Europe&quot; for Athens --&gt;
# '''[[Ancient Greece]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Minoan civilization]]
## [[Mycenaean Greece]]
## [[Classical Athens]]
## [[Sparta]]
## [[Delian League]]
## [[Greco-Persian Wars]]
## [[Peloponnesian War]]
## [[Macedonia (ancient kingdom)|Macedonia]]
# [[Etruscan civilization]]
# '''[[Ancient Rome]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Roman Kingdom]]
## [[Roman Republic]]
### [[Macedonian Wars]]
### [[Gallic Wars]]
## [[Roman Empire]]
### [[Julio-Claudian dynasty]]
### [[Nerva–Antonine dynasty]]
### [[Crisis of the Third Century]]
## [[Western Roman Empire]]
### [[Fall of the Western Roman Empire]]
# [[Celts]]
# [[Dacians]]
# [[Odrysian kingdom]]
# [[Sarmatians]]
# [[Scythians]]
# [[Migration Period]]
## [[Alans]]
## [[Goths]]
## [[Huns]]
## [[Saxons]]
## [[Vandals]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Post-classical history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Post-classical history (132 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Post-classical history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Feudalism]]
## [[Serfdom]]
# [[Guild]]
# [[Nobility]]
## [[Boyar]]
## [[Knight]]
### [[Chivalry]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Ajuran Sultanate]]
# [[Almoravid dynasty]]
# [[Ghana Empire]]
# [[Kanem–Bornu Empire]]
# [[Mali Empire]]
# [[Songhai Empire]]
# [[Trans-Saharan trade]]

Americas (7 articles)
# '''[[Aztecs]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Inca Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chimú culture]]
# [[Mississippian culture]]
# [[Moche culture]]
# '''[[Pre-Columbian era]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Wari culture]]

Asia (41 articles)

West Asia (9 articles)
# '''[[Islamic Golden Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Crusades]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Crusader states]]
# '''[[Ottoman Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Abbasid Caliphate]]
# [[Fatimid Caliphate]]
# [[Sultanate of Rum]]
# [[Umayyad Caliphate]]
# [[Mamluk]]

Central Asia and Iran (8 articles)
# [[Aq Qoyunlu]]
# [[Göktürks]]
# [[Golden Horde]]
# [[Seljuk Empire]]
# [[Kara Koyunlu]]
# [[Muslim conquest of Persia]]
# [[Khwarazmian dynasty]]
# [[Uyghur Khaganate]]

Southeast Asia (7 articles)
# [[Champa]]
# [[Khmer Empire]]
# [[Majapahit]]
# [[Malacca Sultanate]]
# [[Pagan Kingdom]]
# [[Srivijaya]]
# [[Trần dynasty]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (3 articles)
# [[Delhi Sultanate]]
# [[Muslim conquests in the Indian subcontinent]]
# [[Vijayanagara Empire]]

East Asia (14 articles)
# [[An Lushan Rebellion]]
# [[Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms period]]
# [[Goryeo]]
# [[Heian period]]
# [[Jin dynasty (1115–1234)|Great Jin]]
# [[Liao dynasty]]
# '''[[Mongol Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ninja]]
# [[Samurai]]
# [[Song dynasty]]
# [[Sui dynasty]]
# '''[[Tang dynasty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tibetan Empire]]
# [[Yuan dynasty]]

Europe (69 articles)
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Middle Ages]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Black Death]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[East–West Schism]]
# [[House of Habsburg]]

Eastern Europe and Central (25 articles)
# [[Pannonian Avars]]
# [[Kingdom of Bohemia]]
# [[First Bulgarian Empire]]
# [[Second Bulgarian Empire]]
# '''[[Byzantine Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arab–Byzantine wars]]
## [[Byzantine–Bulgarian wars]]
## [[Byzantine–Ottoman wars]]
## [[Fall of Constantinople]]
# [[Cumans]]
# [[Kingdom of Galicia–Volhynia]]
# [[Grand Duchy of Lithuania]]
# [[Grand Duchy of Moscow]]
# [[Kingdom of Hungary]]
# [[Hussite Wars]]
# [[Khazars]]
# [[Kievan Rus']]
# [[Great Moravia]]
# [[Novgorod Republic]]
# [[Pechenegs]]
# [[Polish–Lithuanian–Teutonic War]]
# [[Rurik dynasty]]
# [[Teutonic Order]]
# [[Vladimir-Suzdal]]
# [[Volga Bulgaria]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (40 articles)
&lt;!-- see also in another section: Venice --&gt;
# [[Franks]]
# [[Hanseatic League]]
# '''[[Holy Roman Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Inquisition]]
# [[Investiture Controversy]]
# [[Kingdom of Germany]]
# [[Knights Templar]]
# [[Normans]]
# [[Northern Crusades]]
# [[Ostsiedlung]]
# [[House of Plantagenet]]
# '''[[Viking Age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Vikings]]
# [[Wends]]

England (5 articles)
# [[Kingdom of England]]
# [[Anglo-Saxons]]
# [[Norman conquest of England]]
## [[Battle of Hastings]]
# [[Wars of the Roses]]

France (7 articles)
# [[Capetian dynasty]]
# [[Carolingian Empire]]
# [[Duchy of Burgundy]]
# [[Kingdom of France]]
# [[Hundred Years' War]]
# [[Francia]]
# [[Merovingian dynasty]]

Spain (6 articles)
# [[Al-Andalus]]
## [[Caliphate of Córdoba]]
## [[Reconquista]]
# [[Kingdom of Aragon]]
# [[Kingdom of Castile]]
# [[Visigothic Kingdom]]


Italy (8 articles)
# [[Gothic War (535–554)|Gothic War]]
# [[Guelphs and Ghibellines]]
# [[House of Medici]]
# [[Lombards]]
# [[Papal States]]
# [[Kingdom of Sicily]]
# [[Republic of Genoa]]
# [[Republic of Venice]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Early modern history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Early modern history (95 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Age of Discovery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Magellan's circumnavigation]]
# [[Little Ice Age]]
# '''[[Early modern period]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Renaissance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Scientific Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seven Years' War]]

Colonial empires (6 articles)
# '''[[British Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[French colonial empire]]
# [[Portuguese Empire]]
# [[Spanish Empire]]
# [[Columbian exchange]]
# [[Treaty of Tordesillas]]

Africa (8 articles)
# [[Slavery in Africa]]
# [[Atlantic slave trade]]
# [[Kingdom of Mutapa]]
# [[Ashanti Empire]]
# [[Kingdom of Kongo]]
# [[Oyo Empire]]
# [[Funj Sultanate]]
# [[Hausa Kingdoms]]

Americas (11 articles)
# [[American Revolution]]
## [[American Revolutionary War]]
# '''[[European colonization of the Americas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[British colonization of the Americas]]
## [[Spanish colonization of the Americas]]
### [[Spanish conquest of the Aztec Empire]]
### [[Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire]]
# [[French and Indian War]]
# [[Haitian Revolution]]
# [[Lewis and Clark Expedition]]
# [[Spanish American wars of independence]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (25 articles)
Basics (3 articles)
# [[Dutch East India Company]]
# [[East India Company]]
# [[Western imperialism in Asia]]

Central and West Asia (5 articles)
# [[Dzungar Khanate]]
# [[Kazakh Khanate]]
# [[Khanate of Bukhara]]
# [[Khanate of Sibir]]
# [[Safavid dynasty]]

East Asia (8 articles)
# [[1556 Shaanxi earthquake]]
# [[Edo period]]
## [[Tokugawa shogunate]]
# [[Japanese invasions of Korea (1592–1598)|Japanese invasions of Korea]]
# [[Joseon]]
# [[Ming dynasty]]
# [[Qing dynasty]]
# [[Sino-Burmese War (1765–1769)|Sino-Burmese War]]

Southeast Asia (4 articles)
# [[Ayutthaya Kingdom]]
# [[Lan Xang]]
# [[Lê dynasty]]
# [[Toungoo dynasty]]

South Asia (5 articles)
# [[Great Bengal famine of 1770]]
# [[Deccan sultanates]]
# [[Maratha Empire]]
# '''[[Mughal Empire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sikh Empire]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (38 articles)
Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Age of Enlightenment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Reformation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Thirty Years' War]]
# [[Counter-Reformation]]
# [[Peace of Westphalia]]

Eastern Europe and Central (18 articles)
# [[Cossacks]]
## [[Cossack Hetmanate]]
# [[Crimean Khanate]]
# [[Cretan War (1645–1669)|Cretan War]]
# [[Great Northern War]]
# [[Great Turkish War]]
# [[House of Romanov]]
# [[Khanate of Kazan]]
# [[Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth]]
## [[Partitions of Poland]]
## [[Union of Lublin]]
# [[Livonian War]]
# [[Muscovite–Lithuanian Wars]]
# [[Ottoman wars in Europe]]
## [[Battle of Vienna]]
# [[Polish–Muscovite War (1605–1618)|Polish–Muscovite War]]
# [[Tsardom of Russia]]
## [[Oprichnina]]

Western Europe (15 articles)
# [[1755 Lisbon earthquake]]
# [[Anglo-Dutch Wars]]
# [[Eighty Years' War]]
# [[Enclosure]]
# [[English Civil War]]
# '''[[French Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[French Revolutionary Wars]]
# [[French Wars of Religion]]
# [[Huguenots]]
# [[Italian Wars]]
# [[Prussia]]
# [[Puritans]]
# [[Spanish Inquisition]]
# [[War of the Austrian Succession]]
# [[War of the Spanish Succession]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Modern history&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Modern history (173 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (40 articles)
# '''[[Late modern period]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Contemporary history]]
# [[1973 oil crisis]]
# [[COVID-19 pandemic]]
# '''[[Abolitionism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Civil rights movements]]
# '''[[Cold War]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Collective farming]]
# '''[[Decolonization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Financial crisis of 2007–2008]]
# '''[[Great Depression]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Green Revolution]]
# '''[[Industrial Revolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Information Age]]
# [[New Imperialism]]
# [[Post–World War II economic expansion]]
# [[Sexual revolution]]
# '''[[Space Race]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Moon landing]]
# [[Spanish flu]]
# [[War on terror]]

World War I (8 articles)
# '''[[World War I]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand]]
## [[Balfour Declaration]]
## [[Balkans theatre|Balkans Campaign]]
## [[Eastern Front (World War I)|Eastern Front]]
## [[Italian front (World War I)|Italian Front]]
## [[Middle Eastern theatre of World War I]]
## [[Western Front (World War I)|Western Front]]

World War II (11 articles)
# '''[[World War II]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
## [[Attack on Pearl Harbor]]
## [[Battle of the Atlantic]]
## [[Battle of Britain]]
## [[Eastern Front (World War II)|Eastern Front]]
## [[The Holocaust]]
## [[Mediterranean and Middle East theatre of World War II]]
## [[Pacific War]]
## [[Western Front (World War II)|Western Front]]
## [[Yalta Conference]]

Americas (21 articles)


North America (17 articles)
# [[American Civil War]]
# [[American Indian Wars]]
# [[American frontier]]
# [[Civil rights movement]]
# [[Confederate States of America]]
# [[Cuban Missile Crisis]]
# [[Cuban Revolution]]
# [[Dust Bowl]]
# [[Manhattan Project]]
# [[Mexican War of Independence]]
# [[Mexican Revolution]]
# [[Mexican–American War]]
# [[New Deal]]
# [[September 11 attacks]]
# [[Spanish–American War]]
# [[Wall Street Crash of 1929]]
# [[War of 1812]]

South America (4 articles)
# [[Empire of Brazil]]
# [[Gran Colombia]]
# [[War of the Pacific]]
# [[Paraguayan War]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (48 articles)
Central Asia and Iran (5 articles)
# [[Afghanistan conflict (1978–present)]]
# [[The Great Game]]
# [[Iran–Iraq War]]
# [[Iranian Revolution]]
# [[Persian Constitutional Revolution]]

East Asia (18 articles)
# [[1931 China floods]]
# [[Boxer Rebellion]]
# [[Chinese Civil War]]
# [[Cultural Revolution]]
# [[Empire of Japan]]
# [[First Opium War]]
# [[First Sino-Japanese War]]
# [[Great Leap Forward]]
# [[Korean War]]
# [[Meiji Restoration]]
# [[Russo-Japanese War]]
# [[Second Opium War]]
# [[1911 Revolution]]
# [[Second Sino-Japanese War]]
## [[Nanjing Massacre]]
# [[Taiping Rebellion]]
# [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests]]
# [[Unequal treaty]]

Southeast Asia (11 articles)
# [[2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami]]
# [[Dutch East Indies]]
# [[French Indochina]]
# [[Indonesian National Revolution]]
# [[Nguyễn dynasty]]
# [[Philippine–American War]]
# [[Philippine Revolution]]
# [[Konbaung dynasty]]
# [[Vietnam War]]
# [[Khmer Rouge]]
# [[First Indochina War]]

South Asia (7 articles)
# [[1970 Bhola cyclone]]
# [[Bangladesh Liberation War]]
# [[British Raj]]
# [[Indian independence movement]]
# [[Indian Rebellion of 1857]]
# [[Partition of India]]
# [[Sri Lankan Civil War]]

West Asia (7 articles)
# [[Arab–Israeli conflict]]
# [[Armenian Genocide]]
# [[Gulf War]]
# [[Iraq War]]
# [[Israeli–Palestinian conflict]]
# [[Turkish War of Independence]]
# [[Young Turks]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (49 articles)
Basics (7 articles)
# [[Austrian Empire]]
# [[Austria-Hungary]]
# [[Congress of Vienna]]
# [[European integration]]
# [[Iron Curtain]]
# [[Revolutions of 1848]]
# [[Treaty of Versailles]]

Eastern Europe (24 articles)
# [[Balkan Wars]]
# [[Chernobyl disaster]]
# [[Congress of Berlin]]
# [[Crimean War]]
# [[Czechoslovakia]]
# [[Eastern Bloc]]
# [[French invasion of Russia]]
# [[Greek War of Independence]]
# [[Hungarian Revolution of 1956]]
# [[Polish–Soviet War]]
# [[Prague Spring]]
# [[1905 Russian Revolution]]
# [[Revolutions of 1989]]
# [[Russian Civil War]]
# '''[[Russian Empire]]'''
# [[Russian Revolution]]
# [[Russo-Turkish War (1877–1878)|Russo-Turkish War]]
# '''[[Soviet Union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dissolution of the Soviet Union]]
## [[Great Purge]]
## [[Gulag]]
## [[Holodomor]]
## [[Population transfer in the Soviet Union]]
# [[Yugoslavia]]

Western Europe (18 articles)
# [[Belgian Revolution]]
# [[Berlin Wall]]
# [[Dreyfus affair]]
# [[Franco-Prussian War]]
# [[German Confederation]]
# [[German Empire]]
# [[German reunification]]
# [[Great Famine (Ireland)|Great Famine]]
# [[Italian unification]]
# [[July Revolution]]
# [[Napoleonic Wars]]
# [[Nazi Germany]]
## [[Nazi concentration camps]]
# [[Paris Commune]]
# [[Sinking of the Titanic|Sinking of the RMS ''Titanic'']]
# [[Spanish Civil War]]
# [[The Troubles]]
# [[Unification of Germany]]

Africa (15 articles)
# [[Algerian War]]
# [[Angolan Civil War]]
# [[Anglo-Zulu War]]
# [[Apartheid]]
# [[Arab Spring]]
# [[Congo Free State]]
# [[Ethiopian Civil War]]
# [[Mahdist War]]
# [[Nigerian Civil War]]
# [[Rwandan genocide]]
# '''[[Scramble for Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Second Boer War]]
# [[Second Congo War]]
# [[Second Italo-Ethiopian War]]
# [[Sokoto Caliphate]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Historical cities&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Historical cities (31 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (6 articles)
# [[Carthage]]
# [[Great Zimbabwe]]
# [[Memphis, Egypt|Memphis]]
# [[Meroë]]
# [[Thebes, Egypt|Thebes]]
# [[Timbuktu]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[Cahokia]]
# [[Tenochtitlan]]
# [[Teotihuacan]]
# [[Tikal]]
# [[Tiwanaku]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (16 articles)

# [[Antioch]]
# [[Babylon]]
# [[Çatalhöyük]]
# [[Ctesiphon]]
# [[Jericho]]
# [[Mohenjo-daro]]
# [[Nineveh]]
# [[Palmyra]]
# [[Persepolis]]
# [[Petra]]
# [[Susa]]
# [[Troy]]
# [[Tyre, Lebanon|Tyre]]
# [[Ugarit]]
# [[Ur]]
# [[Uruk]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (4 articles)
# [[Constantinople]]
# [[Knossos]]
# [[Pompeii]]
# [[Split, Croatia|Split]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;History by subject matter&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;History by subject matter (39 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=25em}}
# '''[[History of art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[History of architecture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[History of film]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[History of astronomy]]
## [[History of biology]]
## [[History of chemistry]]
## [[History of geography]]
## [[History of geology]]
## [[History of physics]]
## [[History of political thought]]
## [[History of psychology]]
## [[History of sociology]]
# '''[[History of technology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[History of computing hardware]]
## [[History of transport]]
### [[History of aviation]]
### [[Maritime history]]
# '''[[History of agriculture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of mathematics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of medicine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[History of music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[History of communication]]
## [[History of linguistics]]
## [[History of writing]]
# [[History of economic thought]]
# [[History of human sexuality]]
# [[History of religion]]
## [[History of Hinduism]]
## [[History of Buddhism]]
## [[Jewish history]]
## [[History of Christianity]]
## [[History of Islam]]
## [[History of atheism]]
# [[History of games]]
# [[History of sport]]
# [[Legal history]]
# '''[[Military history]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Auxiliary historical sciences&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Auxiliary historical sciences (13 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Archaeology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Archaeological culture]]
## [[Archaeological excavation|Excavation]]
## [[Radiocarbon dating]]
# [[Chronology]]
# [[Diplomatics]]
# [[Epigraphy]]
# [[Flag]]
# [[Genealogy]]
# [[Heraldry]]
# [[Historiography]]
## [[Conspiracy theory]]
# [[Palaeography]]
{{Div col end}}
=Geography (1,205 articles)=
&lt;small&gt;See also Physical sciences/Earth science.&lt;/small&gt;

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (36 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Geography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Country]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Exploration]]

Continents (9 articles)
# [[Eurasia]]
## '''[[Europe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Asia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Americas]]
## '''[[North America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[South America]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Antarctica]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Australia (continent)]]
{{Col-break}}

Cartography (15 articles)
# [[Cartography]]
# '''[[Map]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Map projection]]
## [[Mercator projection]]
# [[Atlas]]
# [[Globe]]
# [[Border]]
# [[Surveying]]
# [[Geographic coordinate system]]
## [[Elevation]]
## [[Latitude]]
## [[Longitude]]
# [[Geodetic datum]]
# [[Geoid]]
# [[Remote sensing]]
{{Col-break}}

Earth (9 articles)
# [[Equator]]
# [[Tropic of Cancer]]
# [[Tropic of Capricorn]]
# [[Arctic Circle]]
# [[Antarctic Circle]]
# [[North Pole]]
# [[South Pole]]
# [[Prime meridian]]
# [[International Date Line]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Physical geography&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Physical geography (379 articles)==

Bodies of water (188 articles)

Oceans and seas (55 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Atlantic Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baltic Sea]]
## [[Bay of Biscay]]
## [[Black Sea]]
## [[Caribbean Sea]]
## [[Gulf of Guinea]]
## [[Gulf of Mexico]]
### [[Gulf Stream]]
## [[Gulf of Saint Lawrence]]
## [[Irish Sea]]
## [[Labrador Sea]]
## '''[[Mediterranean Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Adriatic Sea]]
### [[Aegean Sea]]
### [[Ionian Sea]]
## [[North Sea]]
## [[Norwegian Sea]]
## [[Sargasso Sea]]
## [[Sea of Azov]]
## [[Sea of Marmara]]
# '''[[Pacific Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gulf of Alaska]]
## [[Bering Sea]]
## [[Gulf of California]]
## [[Gulf of Carpentaria]]
## [[Coral Sea]]
## [[East China Sea]]
## [[Sea of Japan]]
## [[Sea of Okhotsk]]
## [[Philippine Sea]]
## [[Seto Inland Sea]]
## [[South China Sea]]
## [[Tasman Sea]]
## [[Gulf of Thailand]]
## [[Yellow Sea]]
# '''[[Indian Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Andaman Sea]]
## [[Arabian Sea]]
## [[Bay of Bengal]]
## [[Persian Gulf]]
## [[Red Sea]]
## [[Timor Sea]]
# '''[[Arctic Ocean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baffin Bay]]
## [[Barents Sea]]
## [[Beaufort Sea]]
## [[Greenland Sea]]
## [[Hudson Bay]]
## [[Kara Sea]]
## [[White Sea]]
# [[Southern Ocean]]
## [[Great Australian Bight]]
## [[Ross Sea]]
## [[Scotia Sea]]
## [[Weddell Sea]]
{{Div col end}}

Lakes (37 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (10 articles)
# [[African Great Lakes]]
## '''[[Lake Victoria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lake Albert (Africa)|Lake Albert]]
## [[Lake Malawi]]
## [[Lake Tanganyika]]
## [[Lake Turkana]]
# [[Lake Chad]]
# [[Lake Kariba]]
# [[Lake Mweru]]
# [[Lake Volta]]

Europe (3 articles)
# [[Lake Ladoga]]
# [[Lake Onega]]
# [[Vänern]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (12 articles)

North America (10 articles)
# '''[[Great Lakes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lake Erie]]
## [[Lake Huron]]
## [[Lake Michigan]]
## [[Lake Ontario]]
## [[Lake Superior]]
# [[Great Bear Lake]]
# [[Great Slave Lake]]
# [[Lake Nicaragua]]
# [[Lake Winnipeg]]


South America (2 articles)
# [[Lake Maracaibo]]
# [[Lake Titicaca]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (10 articles)
# '''[[Caspian Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aral Sea]]
# [[Lake Baikal]]
# [[Lake Balkhash]]
# [[Dead Sea]]
# [[Issyk-Kul]]
# [[Poyang Lake]]
# [[Qinghai Lake]]
# [[Lake Urmia]]
# [[Lake Van]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Lake Vostok]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Lake Eyre]]
{{Col-end}}

Rivers (67 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Asia (25 articles)
# '''[[Yangtze]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ganges]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Yamuna]]
# [[Yellow River]]
# [[Mekong]]
# [[Lena (river)]]
# [[Yenisey]]
## [[Angara]]
# [[Ob (river)]]
## [[Irtysh]]
# [[Indus River]]
# [[Brahmaputra River]]
# [[Amur]]
## [[Songhua River]]
# [[Euphrates]]
# [[Amu Darya]]
# [[Salween River]]
# [[Ural (river)]]
# [[Syr Darya]]
# [[Irrawaddy River]]
# [[Pearl River (China)]]
# [[Tigris]]
# [[Godavari River]]
# [[Krishna River]]
# [[Jordan River]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (19 articles)


North America (9 articles)
# '''[[Mississippi River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Missouri River]]
## [[Ohio River]]
# [[Colorado River]]
# [[Columbia River]]
# [[Rio Grande]]
# [[Saint Lawrence River]]
# [[Yukon River]]
# [[Mackenzie River]]

South America (10 articles)
# '''[[Amazon River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Madeira River]]
## [[Rio Negro (Amazon)|Rio Negro]]
## [[Tocantins River]]
# [[Magdalena River]]
# [[Orinoco]]
# [[Paraná River]]
# [[Río de la Plata]]
# [[São Francisco River]]
# [[Uruguay River]]
{{Col-break}}

Africa (10 articles)
# '''[[Nile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Blue Nile]]
## [[White Nile]]
# [[Congo River]]
## [[Ubangi River]]
# [[Limpopo River]]
# [[Niger River]]
# [[Orange River]]
# [[Senegal River]]
# [[Zambezi]]

Europe (12 articles)
&lt;!-- listed in Asia: Ural River --&gt;
# [[Danube]]
# [[Dnieper]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 5]])
# [[Don (river)]]
# [[Elbe]]
# [[Loire]]
# [[Neva]]
# [[Pechora (river)]]
# [[Rhine]]
# [[Tagus]]
# [[River Thames]]
# [[Vistula]]
# [[Volga]]

Oceania (1 article)
# [[Murray River]]
{{Col-end}}

Straits (20 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Gulf of Aden]]
# [[Bass Strait]]
# [[Bering Strait]]
# [[Bosporus]]
# [[Cook Strait]]
# [[Dardanelles]]
# [[Strait of Dover]]
# [[Drake Passage]]
# [[English Channel]]
# [[Straits of Florida]]
# [[Strait of Gibraltar]]
# [[Strait of Hormuz]]
# [[Kattegat]]
# [[Korea Strait]]
# [[Strait of Magellan]]
# [[Strait of Malacca]]
# [[Mozambique Channel]]
# [[Palk Strait]]
# [[Skagerrak]]
# [[Taiwan Strait]]
{{Div col end}}

Canals (7 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# [[Erie Canal]]
# [[Grand Canal (China)]]
# [[Kiel Canal]]
# [[Panama Canal]]
# [[Saint Lawrence Seaway]]
# [[Suez Canal]]
# [[White Sea–Baltic Canal]]
{{Div col end}}

Shipping routes (2 articles)
# [[Northeast Passage]]
# [[Northwest Passage]]

Other hydrologic features (11 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Waterfalls (4 articles)
# [[Angel Falls]]
# [[Iguazu Falls]]
# [[Niagara Falls]]
# [[Victoria Falls]]
{{Col-break}}

Seabed (3 articles)
# '''[[Great Barrier Reef]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mid-Atlantic Ridge]]
# [[Mariana Trench]]

Wetlands (1 article)
# [[Everglades]]
{{Col-break}}

Glaciers (2 articles)
# [[Antarctic ice sheet]]
# [[Greenland ice sheet]]

Aquifers (1 article)
# [[Great Artesian Basin]]
{{Col-end}}

Islands (77 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
&lt;!-- all island countries are listed under Countries --&gt;
Africa (6 articles)
# [[Azores]]
# [[Canary Islands]]
# [[Madeira]]
# [[Mayotte]]
# [[Réunion]]
# [[Zanzibar]]

Americas (21 articles)

Caribbean (8 articles)
# [[Greater Antilles]]
## [[Cayman Islands]]
## [[Hispaniola]]
## [[Puerto Rico]]
# [[Lesser Antilles]]
## [[ABC islands (Leeward Antilles)|ABC islands]]
## [[Guadeloupe]]
## [[Martinique]]

North America (8 articles)
# [[Aleutian Islands]]
# [[Arctic Archipelago]]
# [[Bermuda]]
## [[Baffin Island]]
## [[Ellesmere Island]]
## [[Victoria Island (Canada)]]
# [[Greenland]]
# [[Newfoundland (island)|Newfoundland]]

South America (5 articles)
# [[Easter Island]]
# [[Galápagos Islands]]
# [[Tierra del Fuego]]
# [[Marajó]]
# [[Falkland Islands]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (25 articles)
# [[Andaman and Nicobar Islands]]
# [[British Indian Ocean Territory]]
# [[Hainan]]
# [[Hokkaido]]
# [[Honshu]]
# [[Jeju Island]]
# [[Kuril Islands]]
# [[Kyushu]]
# [[Malay Archipelago]]
## [[Borneo]]
## [[Java]]
## [[Lesser Sunda Islands]]
### [[Bali]]
### [[Timor]]
## [[Luzon]]
## [[Maluku Islands]]
## [[Mindanao]]
## [[Sumatra]]
## [[Sulawesi]]
## [[Visayas]]
# [[Phuket Province|Phuket]]
# [[Ryukyu Islands]]
# [[Sakhalin]]
# [[Shikoku]]
# [[Socotra]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Alexander Island]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (14 articles)
# [[Balearic Islands]]
# [[British Isles]]
## [[Great Britain]]
## [[Ireland]]
## [[Isle of Man]]
## [[Channel Islands]]
# [[Crete]]
# [[Corsica]]
# [[Faroe Islands]]
# [[Novaya Zemlya]]
# [[Sardinia]]
# [[Sicily]]
# [[Svalbard]]
# [[Zealand]]

Oceania (10 articles)
# [[American Samoa]]
# [[French Polynesia]]
# [[Guam]]
# [[New Britain]]
# [[New Caledonia]]
# [[New Guinea]]
# [[Northern Mariana Islands]]
# [[Tasmania]]


New Zealand (2 articles)
# [[North Island]]
# [[South Island]]
{{Col-end}}

Peninsulas (16 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[Cape of Good Hope]]
# [[Horn of Africa]]

Americas (3 articles)
# [[Baja California Peninsula]]
# [[Cape Horn]]
# [[Yucatán Peninsula]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (6 articles)
# [[Anatolia]]
# [[Arabian Peninsula]]
# [[Mainland Southeast Asia]]
# [[Malay Peninsula]]
# [[Kamchatka Peninsula]]
# [[Sinai Peninsula]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (4 articles)
# [[Balkans]]
# [[Crimea]]
# [[Iberian Peninsula]]
# [[Kola Peninsula]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Antarctic Peninsula]]
{{Col-end}}

Land relief (53 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (2 articles)
# [[Eurasian Steppe]]
# [[Ring of Fire]]

Americas (14 articles)

North America (7 articles)
# '''[[Grand Canyon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Rocky Mountains]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Appalachian Mountains]]
# [[Canadian Shield]]
# [[Great Plains]]
# [[Pacific Coast Ranges]]
# [[Sierra Nevada]]

South America (7 articles)
# '''[[Andes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Altiplano]]
# [[Brazilian Highlands]]
# [[Cerrado]]
# [[Gran Chaco]]
# [[Guiana Shield]]
# [[Pampas]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Transantarctic Mountains]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (17 articles)

Southern Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[Himalayas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Deccan Plateau]]
# [[Indo-Gangetic Plain]]
# [[Karakoram]]
# [[Western Ghats]]

Western Asia (5 articles)
# [[Caucasus Mountains]]
# [[Iranian Plateau]]
# [[Hindu Kush]]
# [[Najd]]
# [[Zagros Mountains]]

Eastern Asia (4 articles)
# [[North China Plain]]
# [[Tibetan Plateau]]
# [[Kunlun Mountains]]
# [[Yunnan–Guizhou Plateau]]

Central and Northern Asia (3 articles)
# [[Altai Mountains]]
# [[Tian Shan]]
# [[West Siberian Plain]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (8 articles)
# '''[[Alps]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Apennine Mountains]]
# [[Balkan Mountains]]
# [[Carpathian Mountains]]
# [[East European Plain]]
# [[Pyrenees]]
# [[Scandinavian Mountains]]
# [[Ural Mountains]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Aïr Mountains]]
# [[Atlas Mountains]]
# [[Drakensberg]]
# [[Ethiopian Highlands]]
# [[Great Rift Valley]]
# [[Sahel]]
# [[Tassili n'Ajjer]]

Oceania (4 articles)
# [[Great Dividing Range]]
# [[Outback]]
# [[Southern Alps]]
# [[Uluru]]
{{Col-end}}

Mountain peaks (21 articles)
{{col-begin}}
{{col-break|width=33%}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[Mount Kenya]]
# [[Mount Kilimanjaro]]

Asia (5 articles)
# [[K2]]
# [[Mount Everest]]
# [[Mount Fuji]]
# [[Mount Kailash]]
# [[Mount Tai]]
{{col-break|width=34%}}

Americas (3 articles)
# [[Aconcagua]]
# [[Denali]]
# [[Mount St. Helens]]

Oceania (5 articles)
# [[Krakatoa]]
# [[Mauna Loa]]
# [[Mount Kosciuszko]]
# [[Mount Pinatubo]]
# [[Puncak Jaya]]
{{col-break|width=33%}}

Europe (5 articles)
# [[Mont Blanc]]
# [[Mount Elbrus]]
# [[Mount Etna]]
# [[Mount Olympus]]
# [[Mount Vesuvius]]

Antarctica (1 article)
# [[Vinson Massif]]
{{col-end}}

Deserts (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Arabian Desert]]
# [[Atacama Desert]]
# [[Chihuahuan Desert]]
# [[Gobi Desert]]
# [[Great Victoria Desert]]
# [[Kalahari Desert]]
# [[Karakum Desert]]
# [[Mojave Desert]]
# '''[[Sahara]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Taklamakan Desert]]
{{Div col end}}

Forests (3 articles)
# '''[[Amazon rainforest]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sundarbans]]
# [[Virgin Komi Forests]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Parks and preserves&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Parks and preserves (18 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# [[Park]]
# [[National park]]
# [[World Heritage Site]]

Africa (4 articles)
# [[Banc d'Arguin National Park]]
# [[Kavango–Zambezi Transfrontier Conservation Area]]
# [[Ngorongoro Conservation Area]]
# [[Serengeti National Park]]

Asia (1 article)
# [[Kaziranga National Park]]
{{Col-break}}

Americas (7 articles)


North America (6 articles)
# [[Banff National Park]]
# [[Central Park]]
# [[Great Smoky Mountains National Park]]
# [[Northeast Greenland National Park]]
# [[Yellowstone National Park]]
# [[Yosemite National Park]]


South America (1 article)
# [[Tumucumaque Mountains National Park]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (1 article)
# [[Lake District]]

Oceania (2 articles)
# [[Phoenix Islands Protected Area]]
# [[Royal National Park]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Countries&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Countries (207 articles)==

Americas (35 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
North America (10 articles)
# '''[[Canada]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mexico]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[United States]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Belize]]
# [[Costa Rica]]
# [[El Salvador]]
# [[Guatemala]]
# [[Honduras]]
# [[Nicaragua]]
# [[Panama]]
{{Col-break}}

South America (12 articles)
# '''[[Argentina]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Brazil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Colombia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bolivia]]
# [[Chile]]
# [[Ecuador]]
# [[Guyana]]
# [[Paraguay]]
# [[Peru]]
# [[Suriname]]
# [[Uruguay]]
# [[Venezuela]]
{{Col-break}}

Caribbean (13 articles)
# [[Antigua and Barbuda]]
# [[The Bahamas]]
# [[Barbados]]
# [[Cuba]]
# [[Dominica]]
# [[Dominican Republic]]
# [[Grenada]]
# [[Haiti]]
# [[Jamaica]]
# [[Saint Kitts and Nevis]]
# [[Saint Lucia]]
# [[Saint Vincent and the Grenadines]]
# [[Trinidad and Tobago]]
{{Col-end}}

Africa (54 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Africa (16 articles)
# [[Comoros]]
# [[Djibouti]]
# [[Eritrea]]
# '''[[Ethiopia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Kenya]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Madagascar]]
# [[Malawi]]
# [[Mauritius]]
# [[Mozambique]]
# [[Seychelles]]
# [[Somalia]]
# [[South Sudan]]
# '''[[Tanzania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Uganda]]
# [[Zambia]]
# [[Zimbabwe]]

North Africa (6 articles)
# [[Algeria]]
# '''[[Egypt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Libya]]
# [[Morocco]]
# [[Sudan]]
# [[Tunisia]]
{{Col-break}}

West Africa (16 articles)
# [[Benin]]
# [[Burkina Faso]]
# [[Cape Verde]]
# [[The Gambia]]
# [[Ghana]]
# [[Guinea]]
# [[Guinea-Bissau]]
# [[Ivory Coast]]
# [[Liberia]]
# [[Mali]]
# [[Mauritania]]
# [[Niger]]
# '''[[Nigeria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Senegal]]
# [[Sierra Leone]]
# [[Togo]]

Southern Africa (5 articles)
# [[Botswana]]
# [[Eswatini]]
# [[Lesotho]]
# [[Namibia]]
# '''[[South Africa]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Central Africa (11 articles)
# [[Angola]]
# [[Burundi]]
# [[Cameroon]]
# [[Central African Republic]]
# [[Chad]]
# '''[[Democratic Republic of the Congo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Republic of the Congo]]
# [[Equatorial Guinea]]
# [[Gabon]]
# [[Rwanda]]
# [[São Tomé and Príncipe]]
{{Col-end}}

Asia (47 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Asia (5 articles)
# '''[[China]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Japan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mongolia]]
# [[North Korea]]
# '''[[South Korea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Southeast Asia (11 articles)
# [[Brunei]]
# [[Cambodia]]
# [[East Timor]]
# '''[[Indonesia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Laos]]
# [[Malaysia]]
# '''[[Myanmar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Philippines]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Singapore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Thailand]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vietnam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

West Asia (18 articles)
# [[Armenia]]
# [[Azerbaijan]]
# [[Bahrain]]
# [[Cyprus]]
# [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]]
# '''[[Iran]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Iraq]]
# '''[[Israel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jordan]]
# [[Kuwait]]
# [[Lebanon]]
# [[Oman]]
# [[Qatar]]
# '''[[Saudi Arabia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Syria]]
# '''[[Turkey]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[United Arab Emirates]]
# [[Yemen]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (8 articles)
# [[Afghanistan]]
# '''[[Bangladesh]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bhutan]]
# '''[[India]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maldives]]
# [[Nepal]]
# '''[[Pakistan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sri Lanka]]

Central Asia (5 articles)
# [[Kazakhstan]]
# [[Kyrgyzstan]]
# [[Tajikistan]]
# [[Turkmenistan]]
# [[Uzbekistan]]
{{Col-end}}

Europe (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central and Eastern Europe (18 articles)
# '''[[Russia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Poland]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Albania]]
# [[Belarus]]
# [[Bosnia and Herzegovina]]
# [[Bulgaria]]
# [[Czech Republic]]
# [[Croatia]]
# [[Hungary]]
# [[Moldova]]
# [[Montenegro]]
# [[North Macedonia]]
# [[Romania]]
# [[Serbia]]
# [[Slovakia]]
# [[Slovenia]]
# [[Ukraine]]
# [[Kosovo]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (12 articles)
# '''[[United Kingdom]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[France]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Germany]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Austria]]
# [[Switzerland]]
# [[Republic of Ireland|Ireland]]
# [[Netherlands]]
# [[Belgium]]
# [[Luxembourg]]
# [[Liechtenstein]]
# [[Monaco]]
# [[Andorra]]
{{Col-break}}

Northern Europe (8 articles)
# [[Norway]]
# [[Sweden]]
# [[Finland]]
# [[Denmark]]
# [[Iceland]]
# [[Estonia]]
# [[Latvia]]
# [[Lithuania]]

Southern Europe (7 articles)
# '''[[Italy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Spain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Portugal]]
# [[Greece]]
# [[Malta]]
# [[San Marino]]
# [[Vatican City]]
{{Col-end}}

Oceania (14 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Australia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[New Zealand]]
# [[Papua New Guinea]]
# [[Solomon Islands]]
# [[Samoa]]
# [[Fiji]]
# [[Kiribati]]
# [[Federated States of Micronesia]]
# [[Marshall Islands]]
# [[Nauru]]
# [[Palau]]
# [[Tonga]]
# [[Tuvalu]]
# [[Vanuatu]]
{{Div col end}}

Unrecognized or largely unrecognized states, and disputed regions (11 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Abkhazia]]
# [[Cook Islands]]
# [[Nagorno-Karabakh]]
# [[Niue]]
# [[Northern Cyprus]]
# [[State of Palestine|Palestine]]
# [[Somaliland]]
# [[South Ossetia]]
# '''[[Taiwan]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Transnistria]]
# [[Western Sahara]]
{{Div col end}}

State-like entities (1 article)
# [[Holy See]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Regions and country subdivisions&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Regions and country subdivisions (111 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
&lt;!-- see also Islands --&gt;
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Oceania]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Middle East]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Arctic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tropics]]

Africa (7 articles)
# [[Central Africa]]
# [[East Africa]]
# [[North Africa]]
# [[Puntland]]
# [[Southern Africa]]
# [[Sub-Saharan Africa]]
# [[West Africa]]

Americas (23 articles)
# [[Caribbean]]
# [[Central America]]
# [[French Guiana]]
# [[Latin America]]
# [[Minas Gerais]]
# [[Patagonia]]
# [[Southern Cone]]

Canada (4 articles)
# [[Alberta]]
# [[British Columbia]]
# [[Ontario]]
# [[Quebec]]

United States (12 articles)
# [[Southern United States]]
## [[Texas]]
## [[Florida]]
# [[Western United States]]
## [[California]]
### [[Silicon Valley]]
## [[Alaska]]
## [[Hawaii]]
# [[Midwestern United States]]
## [[Illinois]]
# [[New England]]
# [[New York (state)|New York]]

Oceania (4 articles)
# [[Melanesia]]
# [[Micronesia]]
# [[New South Wales]]
# [[Polynesia]]
{{Col-break}}

Asia (42 articles)
# [[Caucasus]]
# [[Central Asia]]
# [[East Asia]]
# [[Greater Khorasan]]
# [[Kashmir]]
# [[Korea]]
# [[Penang]]
# [[Punjab]]
# [[South Asia]]
# [[Southeast Asia]]

China (15 articles)
# [[Fujian]]
# [[Guangdong]]
# [[Guangxi]]
# [[Hebei]]
# [[Henan]]
# [[Hubei]]
# [[Hunan]]
# [[Inner Mongolia]]
# [[Jiangsu]]
# [[Manchuria]]
# [[Shandong]]
# [[Sichuan]]
# [[Tibet]]
# [[Xinjiang]]
# [[Yunnan]]

India (9 articles)
# [[Andhra Pradesh]]
# [[Bihar]]
# [[Gujarat]]
# [[Maharashtra]]
# [[Northeast India]]
# [[Rajasthan]]
# [[Tamil Nadu]]
# [[Uttar Pradesh]]
# [[West Bengal]]

Indonesia (2 articles)
# [[Aceh]]
# [[Papua (province)|Papua]]

Middle East (4 articles)
# [[Eastern Arabia]]
# [[Hejaz]]
# [[Kurdistan]]
# [[Levant]]

Pakistan (2 articles)
# [[Balochistan, Pakistan|Balochistan]]
# [[Sindh]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (31 articles)

General (1 article)
# [[Western Europe]]

Belgium (2 articles)
# [[Flanders]]
# [[Wallonia]]

Eastern Europe (2 articles)
# [[Eastern Europe]]
# [[Vojvodina]]

France (2 articles)
# [[Brittany]]
# [[Provence]]

Germany (1 article)
# [[Bavaria]]

Italy (1 article)
# [[Tuscany]]

Northern Europe (1 article)
# [[Scandinavia]]

Romania (3 articles)
# [[Moldavia]]
# [[Transylvania]]
# [[Wallachia]]

Russia (7 articles)
# [[Bashkortostan]]
# [[Chechnya]]
# [[Dagestan]]
# [[Kaliningrad Oblast]]
# [[Sakha]]
# [[Siberia]]
# [[Tatarstan]]

Spain (4 articles)
# [[Andalusia]]
# [[Basque Country (autonomous community)|Basque Country]]
# [[Catalonia]]
# [[Galicia (Spain)|Galicia]]

United Kingdom (7 articles)
# [[England]]
## [[Cornwall]]
# [[Scotland]]
## [[Scottish Highlands]]
# [[Wales]]
# [[Northern Ireland]]
# [[Gibraltar]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Cities&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cities (454 articles)==

Urban studies and planning (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Capital city]]
# [[City block]]
# [[Downtown]]
# [[Ghetto]]
# [[Industrial park]]
# [[Neighbourhood]]
# [[Rural area]]
# [[Slum]]
# [[Suburb]]
# [[Town]]
# [[Town square]]
# [[Village]]
# [[Urban planning]]
# [[Urban design]]
# [[Urbanization]]
# [[Zoning]]
{{Div col end}}

Africa (69 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
East Africa (16 articles)
# [[Antananarivo]]
# [[Asmara]]
# [[Dar es Salaam]]
# [[Harare]]
# [[Kampala]]
# [[Kigali]]
# [[Lilongwe]]
# [[Lusaka]]
# [[Mogadishu]]

Ethiopia (3 articles)
# [[Addis Ababa]]
# [[Dire Dawa]]
# [[Gondar]]

Kenya (2 articles)
# [[Nairobi]]
# [[Mombasa]]

Mozambique (2 articles)
# [[Maputo]]
# [[Beira, Mozambique|Beira]]

Central Africa (8 articles)
# [[Brazzaville]]
# [[Luanda]]
# [[N'Djamena]]

Cameroon (2 articles)
# [[Douala]]
# [[Yaoundé]]

Democratic Republic of the Congo (3 articles)
# [[Kinshasa]]
# [[Lubumbashi]]
# [[Mbuji-Mayi]]
{{Col-break}}

West Africa (20 articles)
# [[Abidjan]]
# [[Dakar]]
# [[Bamako]]
# [[Ouagadougou]]
# [[Conakry]]
# [[Freetown]]
# [[Cotonou]]
# [[Monrovia]]
# [[Niamey]]

Ghana (2 articles)
# [[Accra]]
# [[Kumasi]]

Nigeria (9 articles)
# '''[[Lagos]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Enugu]]
# [[Kano]]
# [[Ibadan]]
# [[Abuja]]
# [[Kaduna]]
# [[Benin City]]
# [[Port Harcourt]]
# [[Maiduguri]]

Southern Africa (7 articles)
# [[Gaborone]]
# [[Windhoek]]

South Africa (5 articles)
# [[Johannesburg]]
# [[Cape Town]]
# [[Durban]]
# [[Pretoria]]
# [[Port Elizabeth]]
{{Col-break}}

North Africa (18 articles)
# [[Tunis]]

Algeria (3 articles)
# [[Algiers]]
# [[Oran]]
# [[Constantine, Algeria|Constantine]]

Egypt (6 articles)
# '''[[Cairo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alexandria]]
# [[Giza]]
# [[Damietta]]
# [[Luxor]]
# [[Aswan]]

Libya (2 articles)
# [[Tripoli]]
# [[Benghazi]]

Morocco (4 articles)
# [[Casablanca]]
# [[Rabat]]
# [[Fez, Morocco|Fez]]
# [[Marrakesh]]

Sudan (2 articles)
# [[Khartoum]]
# [[Omdurman]]
{{Col-end}}

Americas (88 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
North America (43 articles)

Canada (5 articles)
# [[Toronto]]
# [[Montreal]]
# [[Vancouver]]
# [[Ottawa]]
# [[Calgary]]

Mexico (10 articles)
# '''[[Mexico City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tijuana]]
# [[Puebla (city)|Puebla]]
# [[Guadalajara]]
# [[Ciudad Juárez]]
# [[León, Guanajuato|León]]
# [[Monterrey]]
# [[Mérida, Yucatán|Mérida]]
# [[Acapulco]]
# [[Veracruz (city)|Veracruz]]

United States (28 articles)
# [[Atlanta]]
# [[Baltimore]]
# [[Boston]]
# [[Charlotte, North Carolina]]
# [[Chicago]]
# [[Cleveland]]
# [[Dallas]]
# [[Denver]]
# [[Detroit]]
# [[Houston]]
# [[Las Vegas]]
# [[Los Angeles]]
# [[Miami]]
# [[Minneapolis]]
# [[Nashville, Tennessee]]
# [[New Orleans]]
# '''[[New York City]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Philadelphia]]
# [[Phoenix, Arizona]]
# [[Pittsburgh]]
# [[Sacramento, California]]
# [[San Antonio]]
# [[San Diego]]
# [[San Francisco]]
# [[San Jose, California]]
# [[Seattle]]
# [[St. Louis]]
# [[Washington, D.C.]]
{{Col-break}}

South America (34 articles)
# [[Asunción]]
# [[Montevideo]]

Argentina (3 articles)
# [[Buenos Aires]]
# [[Córdoba, Argentina|Córdoba]]
# [[Rosario, Santa Fe|Rosario]]

Bolivia (2 articles)
# [[La Paz]]
# [[Santa Cruz de la Sierra]]

Brazil (12 articles)
# [[Belém]]
# [[Belo Horizonte]]
# [[Brasília]]
# [[Curitiba]]
# [[Fortaleza]]
# [[Manaus]]
# [[Porto Alegre]]
# [[Recife]]
# [[Rio de Janeiro]]
# [[Salvador, Bahia|Salvador]]
# [[São Luís, Maranhão|São Luís]]
# '''[[São Paulo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Chile (2 articles)
# [[Santiago]]
# [[Valparaíso]]

Colombia (5 articles)
# [[Bogotá]]
# [[Medellín]]
# [[Cali]]
# [[Barranquilla]]
# [[Cartagena, Colombia|Cartagena]]

Ecuador (2 articles)
# [[Guayaquil]]
# [[Quito]]

Peru (3 articles)
# [[Lima]]
# [[Arequipa]]
# [[Cusco]]

Venezuela (3 articles)
# [[Caracas]]
# [[Maracaibo]]
# [[Valencia, Carabobo]]
{{Col-break}}

Central America and Caribbean (11 articles)
# [[Santo Domingo]]
# [[Havana]]
# [[Guatemala City]]
# [[San Juan, Puerto Rico|San Juan]]
# [[San Salvador]]
# [[Managua]]
# [[Port-au-Prince]]
# [[San José, Costa Rica|San José]]
# [[Panama City]]
# [[Tegucigalpa]]
# [[Kingston, Jamaica]]
{{Col-end}}

Asia (178 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central Asia (4 articles)

Kazakhstan (2 articles)
# [[Almaty]]
# [[Nur-Sultan]]

Uzbekistan (2 articles)
# [[Tashkent]]
# [[Samarkand]]

East Asia (56 articles)

China (35 articles)
# '''[[Beijing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Changchun]]
# [[Changsha]]
# [[Chengdu]]
# [[Chongqing]]
# [[Dalian]]
# [[Fuzhou]]
# [[Guangzhou]]
# [[Hangzhou]]
# [[Harbin]]
# [[Hefei]]
# '''[[Hong Kong]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jinan]]
# [[Kunming]]
# [[Lanzhou]]
# [[Lhasa]]
# [[Luoyang]]
# [[Macau]]
# [[Nanchang]]
# [[Nanjing]]
# [[Nanning]]
# [[Qingdao]]
# [[Shanghai]]
# [[Shantou]]
# [[Shenyang]]
# [[Shenzhen]]
# [[Shijiazhuang]]
# [[Suzhou]]
# [[Taiyuan]]
# [[Tianjin]]
# [[Ürümqi]]
# [[Wuhan]]
# [[Xi'an]]
# [[Xiamen]]
# [[Zhengzhou]]

Japan (10 articles)
# '''[[Tokyo]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Osaka]]
# [[Nagoya]]
# [[Yokohama]]
# [[Sapporo]]
# [[Kobe]]
# [[Kyoto]]
# [[Fukuoka]]
# [[Hiroshima]]
# [[Sendai]]

North Korea (1 article)
# [[Pyongyang]]

South Korea (6 articles)
# [[Seoul]]
# [[Busan]]
# [[Incheon]]
# [[Daegu]]
# [[Daejeon]]
# [[Gwangju]]

Mongolia (1 article)
# [[Ulaanbaatar]]

Taiwan (3 articles)
# [[Kaohsiung]]
# [[Taichung]]
# [[Taipei]]
{{Col-break}}

South Asia (48 articles)
# [[Colombo]]
# [[Kathmandu]]

Bangladesh (3 articles)
# [[Dhaka]]
# [[Chittagong]]
# [[Sylhet]]

India (34 articles)
# [[Agra]]
# [[Ahmedabad]]
# [[Allahabad]]
# [[Amritsar]]
# [[Bangalore]]
# [[Bhopal]]
# [[Bhubaneswar]]
# [[Chandigarh]]
# [[Chennai]] &lt;!--(Madras)--&gt;
# [[Coimbatore]]
# '''[[Delhi]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guwahati]]
# [[Hyderabad]]
# [[Indore]]
# [[Jaipur]]
# [[Jodhpur]]
# [[Kanpur]]
# [[Kolkata]] &lt;!--(Calcutta)--&gt;
# [[Lucknow]]
# [[Ludhiana]]
# [[Madurai]]
# '''[[Mumbai]]'''&lt;!--Bombay--&gt;
# {{Icon|Unassessed}} [[Mysore]]
# [[Nagpur]]
# [[Patna]]
# [[Pune]]
# [[Raipur]]
# [[Ranchi]]
# [[Srinagar]]
# [[Surat]]
# [[Thiruvananthapuram]]
# [[Vadodara]]
# [[Varanasi]]
# [[Visakhapatnam]]

Pakistan (9 articles)
# [[Karachi]]
# [[Lahore]]
# [[Faisalabad]]
# [[Rawalpindi]]
# [[Multan]]
# [[Hyderabad, Sindh]]
# [[Gujranwala]]
# [[Peshawar]]
# [[Islamabad]]

Southeast Asia (26 articles)
# [[Phnom Penh]]
# [[Vientiane]]
&lt;!-- see also in other section: 1. Singapore //--&gt;

Myanmar (2 articles)
# [[Yangon]]
# [[Mandalay]]

Indonesia (10 articles)
# '''[[Jakarta]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bandung]]
# [[Surabaya]]
# [[Medan]]
# [[Palembang]]
# [[Makassar]]
# [[Semarang]]
# [[Malang]]
# [[Padang]]
# [[Yogyakarta]]
{{Col-break}}


Malaysia (2 articles)
# [[Kuala Lumpur]]
# [[Johor Bahru]]

Philippines (4 articles)
# [[Manila]]
# [[Quezon City]]
# [[Cebu City]]
# [[Davao City]]

Thailand (2 articles)
# [[Bangkok]]
# [[Chiang Mai]]

Vietnam (4 articles)
# [[Ho Chi Minh City]]
# [[Haiphong]]
# [[Hanoi]]
# [[Da Nang]]

West Asia (44 articles)
# [[Amman]]
# [[Baku]]
# [[Beirut]]
# [[Doha]]
# [[Gaza City]]
# [[Kuwait City]]
# [[Muscat]]
# [[Tbilisi]]
# [[Yerevan]]

Afghanistan (3 articles)
# [[Kabul]]
# [[Kandahar]]
# [[Herat]]

Iraq (3 articles)
# [[Baghdad]]
# [[Basra]]
# [[Mosul]]

Iran (8 articles)
# [[Tehran]]
# [[Mashhad]]
# [[Isfahan]]
# [[Tabriz]]
# [[Shiraz]]
# [[Ahvaz]]
# [[Qom]]
# [[Kermanshah]]

Israel (2 articles)
# '''[[Jerusalem]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tel Aviv]]

Saudi Arabia (4 articles)
# '''[[Mecca]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Medina]]
# [[Riyadh]]
# [[Jeddah]]

Syria (2 articles)
# [[Damascus]]
# [[Aleppo]]

Turkey (9 articles)
# '''[[Istanbul]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ankara]]
# [[İzmir]]
# [[Bursa]]
# [[Adana]]
# [[Gaziantep]]
# [[Konya]]
# [[Antalya]]
# [[Eskişehir]]

United Arab Emirates (2 articles)
# [[Abu Dhabi]]
# [[Dubai]]

Yemen (2 articles)
# [[Sanaa]]
# [[Aden]]
{{Col-end}}

Europe (93 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Central and Eastern Europe (36 articles)

Russia (14 articles)
# '''[[Moscow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Saint Petersburg]]
# [[Novosibirsk]]
# [[Nizhny Novgorod]]
# [[Yekaterinburg]]
# [[Samara]]
# [[Omsk]]
# [[Kazan]]
# [[Chelyabinsk]]
# [[Rostov-on-Don]]
# [[Ufa]]
# [[Volgograd]]
# [[Perm]]
# [[Vladivostok]]

Poland (6 articles)
# [[Warsaw]]
# [[Gdańsk]]
# [[Kraków]]
# [[Łódź]]
# [[Poznań]]
# [[Wrocław]]

Ukraine (6 articles)
# [[Kyiv]]
# [[Kharkiv]]
# [[Donetsk]]
# [[Dnipro]]
# [[Odessa]]
# [[Lviv]]

Other Central and Eastern Europe (10 articles)
# [[Athens]]
# [[Belgrade]]
# [[Bratislava]]
# [[Bucharest]]
# [[Budapest]]
# [[Minsk]]
# [[Prague]]
# [[Sarajevo]]
# [[Sofia]]
# [[Zagreb]]
{{Col-break}}

Western Europe (35 articles)
&lt;!-- Vatican City is listed under Countries --&gt;

UK and Ireland (10 articles)
# '''[[London]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dublin]]
# [[Belfast]]
# [[Birmingham]]
# [[Glasgow]]
# [[Edinburgh]]
# [[Liverpool]]
# [[Manchester]]
# [[Leeds]]
# [[Cardiff]]

France (8 articles)
# '''[[Paris]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Marseille]]
# [[Nantes]]
# [[Lyon]]
# [[Toulouse]]
# [[Nice]]
# [[Bordeaux]]
# [[Strasbourg]]

Germany (9 articles)
# [[Berlin]]
# [[Hamburg]]
# [[Munich]]
# [[Cologne]]
# [[Frankfurt]]
# [[Stuttgart]]
# [[Düsseldorf]]
# [[Nuremberg]]
# [[Dresden]]

Netherlands (3 articles)
# [[Amsterdam]]
# [[The Hague]]
# [[Rotterdam]]

Belgium (2 articles)
# [[Antwerp]]
# [[Brussels]]

Switzerland (2 articles)
# [[Geneva]]
# [[Zürich]]

Austria (1 article)
# [[Vienna]]
{{Col-break}}

Northern Europe (7 articles)

Nordic countries (4 articles)
# [[Copenhagen]]
# [[Helsinki]]
# [[Oslo]]
# [[Stockholm]]
Baltic states (3 articles)
# [[Riga]]
# [[Tallinn]]
# [[Vilnius]]

Southern Europe (15 articles)

Italy (9 articles)
# '''[[Rome]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Milan]]
# [[Naples]]
# [[Turin]]
# [[Palermo]]
# [[Genoa]]
# [[Florence]]&lt;!--Italy/Renaissance--&gt;
# [[Syracuse, Sicily]]&lt;!--Italy/widely known for being a vital city during the Hellenistic period--&gt;
# [[Venice]]&lt;!--Italy/canals--&gt;

Spain (5 articles)
# [[Madrid]]
# [[Barcelona]]
# [[Valencia]]
# [[Seville]]
# [[Zaragoza]]

Portugal (1 article)
# [[Lisbon]]
{{Col-end}}

Oceania (9 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}

Australia (6 articles)
# [[Adelaide]]
# [[Brisbane]]
# [[Canberra]]
# [[Melbourne]]
# [[Perth]]
# [[Sydney]]
{{Col-break}}

New Zealand (2 articles)
# [[Auckland]]
# [[Wellington]]

United States (1 article)
# [[Honolulu]]
{{Col-end}}
=Arts (672 articles)=

==General (3 articles)==
# '''[[The arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[Art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Artist]]

=={{anchor|Architecture}}Architecture (58 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Technology &gt; Construction section&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!--For styles, see under &quot;Visual arts&quot;. For structures, see under &quot;structural engineering&quot;--&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (6 articles)
# '''[[Architecture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Sacral architecture]]
# [[Architectural drawing]]
# [[Architectural theory]]
# [[Proportion (architecture)|Proportion]]
# [[Landscape architecture]]

Styles (16 articles)
# [[Ancient Egyptian architecture]]
# [[Ancient Greek architecture]]
# [[Ancient Roman architecture]]
# [[Baroque architecture]]
# [[Byzantine architecture]]
# [[Chinese architecture]]
# [[Gothic architecture]]
# [[Architecture of India]]
# [[Islamic architecture]]
# [[Megalith]]
# [[Mesoamerican architecture]]
# [[Architecture of Mesopotamia]]
# [[Modern architecture]]
# [[Neoclassical architecture]]
# [[Renaissance architecture]]
# [[Romanesque architecture]]

Specific structures (36 articles)
# [[Acropolis of Athens]]
# [[Alhambra]]
# [[Angkor Wat]]
# [[Borobudur]]
# [[Burj Khalifa]]
# [[Chartres Cathedral]]
# [[Colosseum]]
# [[Eiffel Tower]]
# [[Empire State Building]]
# [[Fallingwater]]
# [[Florence Cathedral]]
# [[Forbidden City]]
# [[Great Sphinx of Giza]]
# '''[[Great Wall of China]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guggenheim Museum Bilbao]]
# [[Hagia Sophia]]
# [[Kaaba]]
# [[Kinkaku-ji]]
# [[Leaning Tower of Pisa]]
# [[Machu Picchu]]
# [[Moscow Kremlin]]
# [[Notre-Dame de Paris]]
# [[Palace of Versailles]]
# [[Palace of Westminster]]
# [[Pantheon, Rome]]
# [[Parthenon]]
# [[Sagrada Família]]
# [[St. Peter's Basilica]]
# [[Statue of Liberty]]
# [[Stonehenge]]
# [[Sydney Opera House]]
# [[Taj Mahal]]
# [[Temple Mount]]
# [[Ziggurat of Ur]]
# [[Seven Wonders of the Ancient World]]
## '''[[Great Pyramid of Giza]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Cultural venues}}Cultural venues (22 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Museum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Movie theater]]
# [[Opera house]]

Americas (5 articles)
# [[American Museum of Natural History]]
# [[Metropolitan Museum of Art]]
# [[Museum of Modern Art]]
# [[National Gallery of Art]]
# [[Smithsonian Institution]]

Asia (2 articles)
# [[National Museum of China]]
# [[National Palace Museum]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (12 articles)
# [[British Museum]]
# [[Hermitage Museum]]
# [[Louvre]]
# [[Musée d'Orsay]]
# [[Musée National d'Art Moderne]]
# [[Museo del Prado]]
# [[National Gallery]]
# [[Natural History Museum, London]]
# [[Rijksmuseum]]
# [[Tate Modern]]
# [[Uffizi]]
# [[Vatican Museums]]
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Literature}}Literature (218 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (37 articles)
# '''[[Literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Character (arts)|Character]]
# [[Literary criticism]]
# [[Narrative]]
# [[Prose]]
## [[Saga]]
# '''[[Fiction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Children's literature]]
## [[Detective fiction]]
## [[Fable]]
## '''[[Fairy tale]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fantasy]]
## [[Fictional universe]]
## [[Horror fiction]]
## [[Legend]]
## '''[[Novel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Romance novel]]
## [[Satire]]
### [[Black comedy]]
## [[Science fiction]]
### [[Time travel]]
## '''[[Short story]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nonfiction]]
## [[Biography]]
## [[Dictionary]]
## [[Encyclopedia]]
## [[Essay]]
## [[Thesaurus]]
# '''[[Poetry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Epic poetry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ghazal]]
## [[Haiku]]
## [[Ode]]
## [[Prose poetry]]
## [[Rhyme]]
## [[Sonnet]]
# [[Writer]]

Literatures by language and area (18 articles)
# [[African literature]]
# [[Ancient Egyptian literature]]
# [[Ancient Greek literature]]
# [[Arabic literature]]
# [[Chinese literature]]
# '''[[English literature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[French literature]]
# [[German literature]]
# [[Indian literature]]
# [[Italian literature]]
# [[Japanese literature]]
# [[Jewish literature]]
# [[Latin American literature]]
# [[Latin literature]]
# [[Persian literature]]
# [[Russian literature]]
# [[Scandinavian literature]]
# [[Spanish literature]]
{{Col-break}}

Specific works (163 articles)

Fiction (90 articles)

Fiction of antiquity (16 articles)
# ''[[Aesop's Fables]]''
# ''[[The Bacchae]]''
# ''[[The Golden Ass]]''
# ''[[Investiture of the Gods]]''
# ''[[Journey to the West]]''
# ''[[Kadambari]]''
# ''[[Kathasaritsagara]]''
# ''[[Lysistrata]]''
# [[Medea (play)|''Medea'']]
# ''[[Oresteia]]''
# ''[[Oedipus Rex]]''
# ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]''
# ''[[Panchatantra]]''
# ''[[Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]''
# ''[[The Tale of Genji]]''
# ''[[Water Margin]]''

Fiction of early printed book era (16 articles)
# ''[[Candide]]''
# ''[[Don Quixote]]''
# ''[[Dream of the Red Chamber]]''
# ''[[Goethe's Faust]]''
# ''[[Gulliver's Travels]]''
# ''[[Hamlet]]''
# ''[[King Lear]]''
# ''[[Macbeth]]''
# ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]]''
# ''[[Othello]]''
# ''[[La Princesse de Clèves]]''
# ''[[Robinson Crusoe]]''
# ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]''
# ''[[Tartuffe]]''
# ''[[The Tempest]]''
# [[Utopia (book)|''Utopia'']]

Fiction of modern era (55 articles)
# ''[[Adventures of Huckleberry Finn]]''
# ''[[Alice's Adventures in Wonderland]]''
# ''[[Anna Karenina]]''
# ''[[Brave New World]]''
# ''[[The Brothers Karamazov]]''
# ''[[The Call of the Wild]]''
# ''[[The Catcher in the Rye]]''
# ''[[A Christmas Carol]]''
# ''[[The Chronicles of Narnia]]''
# ''[[The Color Purple]]''
# ''[[Crime and Punishment]]''
# ''[[The Crucible]]''
# ''[[A Doll's House]]''
# ''[[Dracula]]''
# ''[[Eugene Onegin]]''
# ''[[Frankenstein]]''
# ''[[The Grapes of Wrath]]''
# ''[[Gravity's Rainbow]]''
# ''[[The Great Gatsby]]''
# ''[[Grimms' Fairy Tales]]''
# ''[[Harry Potter]]''
# ''[[Heart of Darkness]]''
# ''[[The Hunchback of Notre-Dame]]''
# ''[[The Importance of Being Earnest]]''
# ''[[In Search of Lost Time]]''
# ''[[Jane Eyre]]''
# ''[[Les Misérables]]''
# ''[[The Little Prince]]''
# ''[[Little Women]]''
# ''[[Lolita]]''
# ''[[The Lord of the Rings]]''
# ''[[Madame Bovary]]''
# ''[[The Metamorphosis]]''
# ''[[Middlemarch]]''
# ''[[Midnight's Children]]''
# ''[[Moby-Dick]]''
# ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]''
# ''[[On the Road]]''
# ''[[One Hundred Years of Solitude]]''
# ''[[Pride and Prejudice]]''
# ''[[The Scarlet Letter]]''
# ''[[Snow Country]]''
# ''[[The Sound and the Fury]]''
# ''[[The Sun Also Rises]]''
# ''[[Things Fall Apart]]''
# ''[[The Three Musketeers]]''
# ''[[To Kill a Mockingbird]]''
# ''[[To the Lighthouse]]''
# [[Ulysses (novel)|''Ulysses'']]
# ''[[Uncle Tom's Cabin]]''
# ''[[Waiting for Godot]]''
# ''[[War and Peace]]''
# ''[[The War of the Worlds]]''
# ''[[The Wind in the Willows]]''
# ''[[Wuthering Heights]]''

Comics (3 articles)
# ''[[The Adventures of Tintin]]''
# [[Asterix]]
# ''[[Peanuts]]''
{{Col-break}}

Nonfiction (48 articles)

Nonfiction of antiquity (23 articles)
# [[Anabasis (Xenophon)|''Anabasis'' (Xenophon)]]
# ''[[Analects]]''
# [[Apology (Plato)|''Apology'' (Plato)]]
# ''[[The Art of War]]''
# ''[[The Book of Healing]]''
# ''[[The Consolation of Philosophy]]''
# [[Dead Sea Scrolls]]
# [[Euclid's Elements|Euclid's ''Elements'']]
# [[Hippocratic Corpus]]
# [[Histories (Herodotus)|''Histories'' (Herodotus)]]
# ''[[History of the Peloponnesian War]]''
# ''[[I Ching]]''
# ''[[The Incoherence of the Philosophers]]''
# [[Metaphysics (Aristotle)|''Metaphysics'' (Aristotle)]]
# [[Muqaddimah]]
# ''[[Nicomachean Ethics]]''
# ''[[Organon]]''
# ''[[Poetic Edda]]''
# [[Popol Vuh]]
# [[Republic (Plato)|''Republic'' (Plato)]]
# [[Septuagint]]
# ''[[Summa Theologica]]''
# [[Vulgate]]

Nonfiction of early printed book era (11 articles)
# ''[[Critique of Pure Reason]]''
# ''[[De revolutionibus orbium coelestium]]''
# ''[[A Dictionary of the English Language]]''
# ''[[Discourse on the Method]]''
# ''[[Encyclopædia Britannica]]''
# [[Gutenberg Bible]]
# ''[[The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]''
# [[King James Version]]
# [[Leviathan (Hobbes book)|''Leviathan'']]
# ''[[Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica]]''
# ''[[The Prince]]''

Nonfiction of modern era (14 articles)
# ''[[The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care]]''
# ''[[The Communist Manifesto]]''
# ''[[Das Kapital]]''
# ''[[The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex]]''
# ''[[The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money]]''
# ''[[The Golden Bough]]''
# [[Night (book)|''Night'']]
# ''[[On the Origin of Species]]''
# ''[[Oxford English Dictionary]]''
# ''[[Principia Mathematica]]''
# ''[[Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-tung]]'' &lt;!--over a billion copies printed--&gt;
# ''[[Silent Spring]]''
# ''[[The Structure of Scientific Revolutions]]''
# ''[[The Wealth of Nations]]''

Poetic works (25 articles)

Poetic works of antiquity (14 articles)
# ''[[Aeneid]]''
# ''[[Beowulf]]''
# ''[[The Canterbury Tales]]''
# ''[[Divine Comedy]]''
# [[Diwan-e Shams-e Tabrizi]]
# ''[[Epic of Gilgamesh]]''
# ''[[Iliad]]''
# ''[[Mahabharata]]''
# ''[[Masnavi]]''
# ''[[Metamorphoses]]''
# ''[[Nibelungenlied]]''
# ''[[Odyssey]]''
# ''[[Shahnameh]]''
# ''[[The Song of Roland]]''

Poetic works of early printed book era (5 articles)
# [[Shakespeare's sonnets]]
# ''[[Paradise Lost]]''
# ''[[Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam]]''
# ''[[Oku no Hosomichi]]''
# ''[[Songs of Innocence and of Experience]]''

Poetic works of modern era (6 articles)
# ''[[Duino Elegies]]''
# ''[[Leaves of Grass]]''
# [[The Raven]]
# ''[[The Rime of the Ancient Mariner]]''
# ''[[A Season in Hell]]'' &lt;!--Une Saison en Enfer--&gt;
# ''[[The Waste Land]]''
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Music}}Music (137 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (15 articles)
# '''[[Music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Choir]]
# [[Concert]]
# [[Counterpoint]]
# [[Harmony]]
## [[Chord (music)|Chord]]
# [[Melody]]
# [[Music theory]]
# [[Music video]]
# [[Musical notation]]
# '''[[Orchestra]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rhythm]]
# [[Scale (music)]]
# '''[[Singing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Song]]

Music genres and forms (47 articles)
General (6 articles)
# [[Ballad]]
# [[Christmas carol]]
# [[Hymn]]
# [[Lullaby]]
# [[National anthem]]
# [[Protest song]]

Western classical music (15 articles)
# '''[[Classical music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fugue]]
## [[Aria]]
## [[Concerto]]
## '''[[Opera]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sonata]]
## [[Symphony]]
# [[Medieval music]]
## [[Gregorian chant]]
# [[Renaissance music]]
# [[Baroque music]]
# [[Classical period (music)|Classical period]]
# [[Romantic music]]
# [[20th-century classical music]]
# [[Contemporary classical music]]

Non-Western music (5 articles)

# [[Arabic music]]
# [[Gamelan]]
# [[Indian classical music]]
# [[Music of China]]
# [[Sub-Saharan African music traditions]]

Popular music (21 articles)
# [[Blues]]
# [[Country music]]
# [[Disco]]
# [[Electronic music]]
# '''[[Folk music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Funk]]
# [[Hip hop music]]
## [[Rapping]]
# '''[[Jazz]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Bossa nova]]
## [[Ragtime]]
# '''[[Pop music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Reggae]]
# [[Rhythm and blues]]
## [[Soul music]]
# '''[[Rock music]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heavy metal music]]
## [[Punk rock]]
## [[Rock and roll]]
# [[Salsa music]]
# [[Samba]]

Musical instruments (42 articles)
# '''[[Musical instrument]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Electronic musical instrument]]
## [[Bass guitar]]
## [[Electric guitar]]
## [[Synthesizer]]
# [[Percussion instrument]]
## [[Bell]]
## [[Cymbal]]
## [[Djembe]]
## [[Drum]]
## [[Piano]]
## [[Xylophone]]
# [[String instrument]]
## [[Cello]]
## [[Double bass]]
## [[Guitar]]
## [[Harp]]
## [[Harpsichord]]
## [[Lute]]
## [[Lyre]]
## [[Mandolin]]
## [[Viola]]
## [[Violin]]
# [[Wind instrument]]
## [[Accordion]]
## [[Bagpipes]]
## [[Brass instrument]]
### [[Horn (instrument)|Horn]]
### [[Trombone]]
### [[Trumpet]]
### [[Tuba]]
## [[Harmonica]]
## [[Pipe organ]]
## [[Woodwind instrument]]
### [[Bassoon]]
### [[Clarinet]]
### [[Flute]]
#### [[Pan flute]]
#### [[Recorder (musical instrument)|Recorder]]
#### [[Western concert flute]]
### [[Oboe]]
### [[Saxophone]]

Specific musical works (33 articles)

Baroque (5 articles)
# ''[[Brandenburg Concertos]]''
# [[The Four Seasons (Vivaldi)|''The Four Seasons'' (Vivaldi)]]
# [[Mass in B minor]]
# [[Messiah (Handel)|''Messiah'' (Handel)]]
# ''[[The Well-Tempered Clavier]]''

Classical (7 articles)
# [[La mer (Debussy)|''La mer'' (Debussy)]]
# [[Nocturnes (Chopin)]]
# [[Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)]] &lt;!--Moonlight--&gt;
# [[Symphony No. 5 (Beethoven)]]
# [[Symphony No. 8 (Mahler)]]
# [[Symphony No. 9 (Beethoven)]]
# [[Symphony No. 41 (Mozart)]]

Opera (7 articles)
# ''[[Carmen]]''
# ''[[Don Giovanni]]''
# ''[[Madama Butterfly]]''
# ''[[The Magic Flute]]''
# ''[[Der Ring des Nibelungen]]''
# ''[[La traviata]]''
# ''[[Tristan und Isolde]]''

Ballet (3 articles)
# ''[[The Nutcracker]]''
# ''[[The Rite of Spring]]''
# ''[[Swan Lake]]''

Musicals (2 articles)
# [[The Phantom of the Opera (1986 musical)|''The Phantom of the Opera'']]
# ''[[West Side Story]]''

Modern (9 articles)
# ''[[The Dark Side of the Moon]]''
# [[Heartbreak Hotel]]
# [[Johnny B. Goode]]
# ''[[Kind of Blue]]''
# [[Like a Rolling Stone]]
# [[Respect (song)]]
# ''[[Rhapsody in Blue]]''
# ''[[Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band]]''
# [[Thriller (album)|''Thriller'' (Michael Jackson album)]]
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Performing arts}}Performing arts (44 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basic concepts (4 articles)
# '''[[Performing arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Audience]]
# [[Costume]]
# [[Stage (theatre)|Stage]]

Forms (40 articles)
# [[Acrobatics]]
# [[Circus]]
# [[Clown]]
# [[Magic (illusion)]]
# [[Mime artist]]
# [[Performance art]]
# [[Performance poetry]]
# [[Puppetry]]
{{Col-break}}

Dance (14 articles)
# '''[[Dance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Choreography]]
# [[Ballet]]
# [[Ballroom dance]]
## [[Bolero]]
## [[Tango]]
## [[Waltz]]
# [[Belly dance]]
# [[Bharatanatyam]]
# [[Flamenco]]
# [[Folk dance]]
# [[Hip-hop dance]]
# [[Jazz dance]]
# [[Modern dance]]
{{Col-break}}

Theatre (18 articles)
# '''[[Theatre]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Acting]]
## [[Stagecraft]]
# [[Comedy]]
## [[Commedia dell'arte]]
## [[Improvisational theatre]]
## [[Joke]]
## [[Parody]]
## [[Stand-up comedy]]
# [[Drama]]
## [[Tragedy]]
# [[Broadway theatre]]
# [[West End theatre]]
# [[Kabuki]]
# [[Musical theatre]]
# [[Noh]]
# [[Peking opera]]
# [[Theatre of ancient Greece]]
{{Col-end}}

=={{anchor|Visual arts}}Visual arts (109 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;Photography is listed under Technology&lt;/small&gt;
{{Back to contents}}{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

History of art (50 articles)

Pre-modern art (16 articles)
# [[Academic art]]
# [[Ancient Greek art]]
# [[Baroque]]
# [[Classicism]]
# [[Dutch Golden Age painting]]
# [[Empire style]]
# [[Gothic art]]
# [[Hellenistic art]]
# [[Mannerism]]
# '''[[Prehistoric art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cave painting]]
## [[Rock art]]
# '''[[Realism (arts)|Realism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rococo]]
# [[Roman art]]
# [[Romanesque art]]

Modern art (20 articles)
# [[Modern art]]
# '''[[Abstract art]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Abstract expressionism]]
# [[Art Deco]]
# [[Art Nouveau]]
# [[Arts and Crafts movement]]
# [[Avant-garde]]
# [[Cubism]]
# [[Dada]]
# [[Expressionism]]
# [[Futurism]]
# [[Impressionism]]
# '''[[Modernism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Neoclassicism]]
# [[Post-Impressionism]]
# [[Postmodernism]]
# [[Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood]]
# '''[[Romanticism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Surrealism]]
# [[Symbolism (arts)|Symbolism]]

Contemporary art (6 articles)
# [[Contemporary art]]
# [[Land art]]
# [[Minimalism]]
# [[Conceptual art]]
# [[Outsider art]]
# [[Pop art]]

Non-Western art traditions (8 articles)
# [[African art]]
# [[Chinese art]]
# [[Indian art]]
# [[Islamic art]]
# [[Japanese art]]
## [[Ukiyo-e]]
# [[Persian art]]
# [[Visual arts by indigenous peoples of the Americas]]

Concepts and forms (29 articles)
# '''[[Visual arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Calligraphy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ceramic art]]
# [[Collage]]
# '''[[Comics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Manga]]
# [[Decorative arts]]
# '''[[Drawing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Engraving]]
# [[Fashion]]
# [[Folk art]]
# [[Graffiti]]
# [[Handicraft]]
# [[Illustration]]
# [[Mosaic]]
# [[Mural]]
# [[Optical illusion]]
# [[Origami]]
# '''[[Painting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Landscape painting]]
## [[Oil painting]]
## [[Watercolor painting]]
# [[Perspective (graphical)]]
# [[Portrait]]
# [[Religious art]]
# '''[[Sculpture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Taxidermy]]
# [[Textile arts]]
# [[Wood carving]]

Specific works (30 articles)

Painting (19 articles)
# ''[[A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte]]''
# ''[[Along the River During the Qingming Festival]]''
# ''[[Arnolfini Portrait]]''
# ''[[The Art of Painting]]''
# [[The Birth of Venus|''The Birth of Venus'']]
# ''[[Campbell's Soup Cans]]''
# ''[[The Garden of Earthly Delights]]''
# [[Guernica (Picasso)|''Guernica'']]
# [[The Last Supper (Leonardo)|''The Last Supper'']]
# ''[[Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe]]''
# ''[[Les Demoiselles d'Avignon]]''
# ''[[Mona Lisa]]''
# ''[[The Night Watch]]''
# ''[[Nighthawks (painting)|Nighthawks]]''
# ''[[The Persistence of Memory]]''
# ''[[The Scream]]''
# [[Sistine Chapel]]
# ''[[The Starry Night]]''
# ''[[Water Lilies (Monet series)|Water Lilies]]''

Sculpture (8 articles)
# [[David (Michelangelo)|''David'']]
# [[Fountain (Duchamp)|''Fountain'']]
# [[Olmec colossal heads]]
# [[Pietà (Michelangelo)|''Pietà'']]
# [[Terracotta Army]]
# ''[[The Thinker]]''
# [[Venus de Milo]]
# [[Venus of Willendorf]]

Other media (3 articles)
# [[Bayeux Tapestry]]
# [[Book of Kells]]
# ''[[The Great Wave off Kanagawa]]''
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Modern visual arts}}Modern visual arts (60 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Design (6 articles)
# '''[[Design]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Graphic design]]
## [[Typography]]
# [[Interior design]]
# [[Industrial design]]
# [[Web design]]

Digital art (2 articles)
# [[Digital art]]
# [[Computer graphics]]

Filmmaking (52 articles)
General (8 articles)
# '''[[Film]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Animation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Anime]]
## [[Silent film]]
# [[Filmmaking]]
## [[Cinematography]]
## [[Special effect]]
## [[Studio system]]

Cinema by country (8 articles)
# [[Cinema of the United States]] &lt;!--Hollywood--&gt;
# [[Cinema of France]]
# [[Cinema of India]]
## [[Bollywood]]
# [[Cinema of Japan]]
# [[Cinema of China]]
# [[Cinema of the Soviet Union]]
# [[Cinema of Nigeria]]

Film festival and awards (3 articles)
# [[Film festival]]
## [[Cannes Film Festival]]
# [[Academy Awards]] &lt;!--Oscars--&gt;

Films (33 articles)

Animation (1 article)
# [[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|''Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'']]

Art film (1 article)
# [[Mirror (1975 film)|''Mirror'']]

Comedy (2 articles)
# ''[[City Lights]]''
# ''[[Dr. Strangelove]]''
Documentary (1 article)
# ''[[Triumph of the Will]]''

Drama film (18 articles)
# ''[[8½]]''
# ''[[Bicycle Thieves]]''
# [[Breathless (1960 film)|''Breathless'']]
# ''[[Children of Paradise]]''
# ''[[Citizen Kane]]''
# ''[[The Godfather]]''
# ''[[L'Atalante]]''
# ''[[La Dolce Vita]]''
# ''[[The Rules of the Game]]''
# ''[[Tokyo Story]]''

Epic/Historical (6 articles)
# ''[[The Apu Trilogy]]''
# ''[[Battleship Potemkin]]''
# ''[[The Birth of a Nation]]''
# [[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|''Lawrence of Arabia'']]
# ''[[Seven Samurai]]''
# ''[[The Seventh Seal]]''

Horror/Thriller (2 articles)
# [[Psycho (1960 film)|''Psycho'']]
# [[Vertigo (film)|''Vertigo'']]

Musical (3 articles)
# ''[[The Jazz Singer]]''
# ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]''
# [[The Sound of Music (film)|''The Sound of Music'']]

Romance film (2 articles)
# [[Casablanca (film)|''Casablanca'']]
# [[Gone with the Wind (film)|''Gone With the Wind'']]

Science fiction/Fantasy (4 articles)
# [[2001: A Space Odyssey (film)|''2001: A Space Odyssey'']]
# [[Metropolis (1927 film)|''Metropolis'']]
# ''[[Star Wars]]''
# [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|''The Wizard of Oz'']]

Western (1 article)
# [[Stagecoach (1939 film)|''Stagecoach'']]
{{Div col end}}

=={{anchor|Fictional characters}}Fictional characters (21 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;Mythological and Biblical characters are listed under Philosophy and religion&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Western folklore (6 articles)
# [[King Arthur]]
# [[Baba Yaga]]
# [[Cinderella]]
# [[Faust]]
# [[Robin Hood]]
# [[Santa Claus]]

Eastern folklore (2 articles)
# [[Aladdin]]
# [[Hua Mulan]]
{{Col-break}}

Literature and drama (5 articles)
# [[James Bond (literary character)|James Bond]]
# [[Sherlock Holmes]]
# [[Peter Pan]]
# [[Tarzan]]
# [[Winnie-the-Pooh]]

Film, television, and games (3 articles)
# [[Mickey Mouse]]
# [[Donald Duck]]
# [[Mario]]
{{Col-break}}

Superheroes (5 articles)
# [[Superhero]]
## [[Superman]]
## [[Batman]]
## [[Wonder Woman]]
## [[Spider-Man]]
{{Col-end}}
=Philosophy and religion (440 articles)=
:See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Expanded/People#Philosophers_.2864_articles.29|Philosophers]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Expanded/People#Religious_figures_.28134_articles.29|Religious figures]]
==&lt;span id=&quot;Philosophy&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Philosophy (101 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (1 article)
# '''[[Philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])

Philosophy by region and period (10 articles)
# '''[[Western philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Ancient Greek philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Medieval philosophy]]
## [[Renaissance philosophy]]
## [[Modern philosophy]]
## '''[[Contemporary philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Eastern philosophy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chinese philosophy]]
## [[Indian philosophy]]
# [[Ancient philosophy]]
{{Col-break}}
Philosophical schools and traditions (8 articles)

# [[Analytic philosophy]]
# [[Legalism (Chinese philosophy)|Legalism]]
# [[Phenomenology (philosophy)|Phenomenology]]
# [[Positivism]]
# [[Pragmatism]]
# [[Sophist]]
# [[Stoicism]]
# [[Thomism]]

Religious philosophy (3 articles)

# [[Buddhist philosophy]]
# [[Christian philosophy]]
# [[Islamic philosophy]]
{{Col-end}}

Philosophical branches, approaches and concepts (79 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Ethics (18 articles)
# '''[[Ethics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

Concepts (11 articles)
# '''[[Free will]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Good and evil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Conscience]]
# [[Golden Rule]]
# [[Is–ought problem]]
# [[Morality]]
# [[Plagiarism]]
# [[Principle]]
# [[Value (ethics)|Value]]
# [[Virtue]]
# [[Wisdom]]

Approaches (6 articles)
# [[Consequentialism]]
# [[Deontological ethics]]
# [[Humanism]]
# [[Nihilism]]
# [[Relativism]]
# [[Utilitarianism]]

Logic (11 articles)
# '''[[Logic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Argument]]
# [[A priori and a posteriori|''A priori'' and ''a posteriori'']]
# [[Critical thinking]]
# [[Dialectic]]
## [[Socratic method]]
# [[Inference]]
## [[Deductive reasoning]]
## [[Inductive reasoning]]
# [[Paradox]]
# [[Thought experiment]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Epistemology (16 articles)
# '''[[Epistemology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])

Concepts (11 articles)
# '''[[Knowledge]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Truth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Reason]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Belief]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Common sense]]
# [[Concept]]
# [[Experience]]
# [[Occam's razor]]
# [[Opinion]]
# [[Superstition]]
# [[Worldview]]

Approaches (4 articles)
# [[Empiricism]]
# [[Naturalism (philosophy)|Naturalism]]
# [[Rationalism]]
# [[Skepticism]]

Metaphysics (15 articles)
# '''[[Metaphysics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Concepts (8 articles)
# '''[[Existence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Ontology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Absolute (philosophy)|Absolute]]
# [[Abstraction]]
# [[Causality]]
# [[Idea]]
# [[Nothing]]
# [[Reality]]

Approaches (6 articles)
# [[Determinism]]
# [[Idealism]]
# [[Materialism]]
# [[Mind–body dualism]]
# [[Monism]]
# [[Platonic realism]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Aesthetics (4 articles)
# '''[[Aesthetics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Beauty]]
# [[Perfection]]
# [[Sublime (philosophy)|Sublime]]

Philosophy of science (9 articles)
# '''[[Philosophy of science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Fact]]
# [[Hypothesis]]
# [[Natural philosophy]]
# [[Paradigm]]
# [[Pseudoscience]]
## [[Parapsychology]]
# [[Reductionism]]
# [[Theory]]

Other branches of philosophy (6 articles)
# [[Philosophy of language]]
## [[Meaning (philosophy)]]
# [[Philosophy of mathematics]]
# [[Philosophy of mind]]
# [[Philosophy of religion]]
# [[Political philosophy]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Religion and spirituality&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Religion and spirituality (84 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (6 articles)
# '''[[Religion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Comparative religion]]
# [[Folk religion]]
# [[Freedom of religion]]
# [[Mysticism]]
# [[Theology]]

Deity (3 articles)
# '''[[Deity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[God]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Goddess]]

Practices (21 articles)
# '''[[Ritual]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fertility rite]]
# '''[[Prayer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Meditation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Apologetics]]
# [[Apostasy]]
# [[Celibacy]]
# [[Fasting]]
# [[Heresy]]
# [[Icon]]
## [[Iconoclasm]]
# [[Idolatry]]
# [[Liturgy]]
# [[Pilgrimage]]
# [[Prophecy]]
# [[Relic]]
# [[Religious conversion]]
# [[Sacrifice]]
# [[Saint]]
# [[Veneration of the dead]]
# [[Worship]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Beliefs (16 articles)
# '''[[Spirituality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Animism]]
# [[Astrology]]
## [[Astrological sign]]
# [[Creation myth]]
# [[Curse]]
# [[Divination]]
# [[Eschatology]]
# [[Faith]]
# [[Magic (supernatural)|Magic]]
## [[Witchcraft]]
# [[Origin myth]]
# [[Religious experience]]
# [[Sacred]]
# [[Supernatural]]
# [[Totem]]

Death (6 articles)
# [[Burial]]
# [[Cemetery]]
# [[Cremation]]
# [[Crypt]]
# [[Funeral]]
# [[Mummy]]

Afterlife (7 articles)
# '''[[Afterlife]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Soul]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heaven]]
## [[Hell]]
## [[Reincarnation]]
# [[Resurrection]]
# [[Spirit]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Institutions (10 articles)
# [[Altar]]
# [[Anti-clericalism]]
# [[Creed]]
# [[Cult]]
# [[Monastery]]
# [[Priest]]
# [[Schism]]
# [[Sect]]
# [[State religion]]
# [[Temple]]

Theistic philosophies (11 articles)
# [[Theism]]
# [[Deism]]
# [[Fundamentalism]]
# [[Monotheism]]
# [[Orthodoxy]]
# [[Paganism]]
# [[Panentheism]]
# [[Pantheism]]
# [[Polytheism]]
# [[Syncretism]]
# [[Unitarianism]]

Non-theistic philosophies (4 articles)
# '''[[Atheism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Agnosticism]]
# [[Free thought]]
# '''[[Secularism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-end}}

==Abrahamic religions (74 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Main branches (7 articles)
# '''[[Christianity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Judaism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Baháʼí Faith]]
# [[Druze]]
# [[Gnosticism]]
# [[Rastafari]]

Common concepts (10 articles)
# '''[[Bible]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Old Testament]]
## [[New Testament]]
# [[Holy Spirit]]
# [[Jehovah]]
# [[Messiah]]
# [[Predestination]]
# [[Salvation]]
# [[Sin]]
# [[Ten Commandments]]

Judaism (10 articles)
# '''[[Talmud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Torah]]
# [[Halakha]]
## [[Kashrut]]
# [[Hebrew Bible]]
# [[Rabbi]]
# [[Synagogue]]
# [[Conservative Judaism]]
# [[Orthodox Judaism]]
# [[Reform Judaism]]
{{Col-break}}

Christianity (0 article)

Branches (22 articles)

# '''[[Catholic Church]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Eastern Catholic Churches]]
# '''[[Eastern Orthodox Church]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Greek Orthodox Church]]
## [[Russian Orthodox Church]]
# [[Nontrinitarianism]]
## [[Jehovah's Witnesses]]
## [[Mormonism]]
# [[Oriental Orthodox Churches]]
## [[Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria]]
## [[Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church]]
# '''[[Protestantism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Anglicanism]]
## [[Arminianism]]
## [[Baptists]]
## [[Calvinism]]
## [[Evangelicalism]]
## [[Lutheranism]]
## [[Methodism]]
## [[Pentecostalism]]
## [[Quakers]]
## [[Seventh-day Adventist Church]]

Concepts (10 articles)
# [[Catholicity]]
## [[Pope]]
## [[Purgatory]]
# [[Christian Church]]
# [[Church (building)|Church]]
## [[Cathedral]]
# [[Ecumenism]]
# [[Grace in Christianity|Grace]]
# [[Second Coming]]
# [[Trinity]]
{{Col-break}}

Islam (15 articles)
# [[Islamic schools and branches]]
## '''[[Sunni Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Shia Islam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sufism]]
# '''[[Quran]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Allah]]
# [[Five Pillars of Islam]]
## [[Hajj]]
# [[Fiqh]]
# [[Hadith]]
# [[Halal]]
# [[Haram]]
# [[Imam]]
# [[Mosque]]
# [[Sharia]]
{{Col-end}}

==Eastern religions (49 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Major religions (8 articles)
# '''[[Hinduism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Buddhism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Jainism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sikhism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Confucianism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Taoism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Shinto]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Manichaeism]]

Common concepts (9 articles)
# [[Dharma]]
# [[Karma]]
# [[Mantra]]
# [[Om]]
# [[Qi]]
# [[Swastika]]
# [[Tantra]]
# [[Yin and yang]]
# [[Yoga]]
{{Col-break}}

Hinduism (18 articles)
# '''''[[Bhagavad Gita]]''''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vedas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Avatar]]
# [[Brahma]]
# [[Brahman]]
# [[Ganesha]]
# [[Kali]]
# [[Krishna]]
# [[Kumbh Mela]]
# [[Rama]]
# ''[[Ramayana]]''
# [[Shaivism]]
# [[Shaktism]]
# [[Shiva]]
# [[Upanishads]]
# [[Vaishnavism]]
# [[Vedanta]]
# [[Vishnu]]
{{Col-break}}

Buddhism (9 articles)
# '''[[Mahayana]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Avalokiteśvara]]
## ''[[Diamond Sutra]]''
# '''[[Theravada]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Pāli Canon]]
# [[Vajrayana]]
# [[Four Noble Truths]]
# [[Nirvana]]
# [[Zen]]

Sikhism (2 articles)
# ''[[Guru Granth Sahib]]''
# [[Golden Temple]]&lt;!--Harmandir Sahib--&gt;

Taoism (2 articles)
# ''[[Tao Te Ching]]''
# [[Zhuangzi (book)|''Zhuangzi'']]

Shinto (1 article)
# ''[[Kojiki]]''
{{Col-end}}

==Other religions (30 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Shamanism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Zoroastrianism]]
## [[Avesta]]
# [[Chinese folk religion]]
# [[Haitian Vodou]]
# [[Traditional African religions]]
## [[Yoruba religion]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Ancient religions (13 articles)
# [[Prehistoric religion]]
# [[Ancient Celtic religion]]
# [[Ancient Egyptian religion]]
# [[Ancient Greek religion]]
## [[Eleusinian Mysteries]]
# [[Ancient Mesopotamian religion]]
# [[Aztec religion]]
# [[Germanic paganism]]
# [[Maya religion]]
# [[Old Norse religion]]
# [[Religion in ancient Rome]]
# [[Religion in pre-Islamic Arabia]]
# [[Slavic paganism]]
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Western esotericism (4 articles)
&lt;!--For heroes and characters, see under &quot;Mythical and fictional people&quot;, for creatures, see under &quot;Literature: Fictional worlds&quot;--&gt;
# '''[[Western esotericism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Freemasonry]]
## [[Rosicrucianism]]
## [[New Age]]

New religious movements (6 articles)
# '''[[New religious movement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Falun Gong]]
## [[Ghost Dance]]
## [[Modern Paganism]]
### [[Wicca]]
## [[Spiritualism]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Mythology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Mythology (102 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (3 articles)
# '''[[Folklore]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Myth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Comparative mythology]]

By culture (10 articles)
# [[Australian Aboriginal religion and mythology]]
# [[Chinese mythology]]
# [[Egyptian mythology]]
# [[Greek mythology]]
# [[Hindu mythology]]
# [[Japanese mythology]]
# [[Korean mythology]]
# [[Norse mythology]]
# [[Persian mythology]]
# [[Roman mythology]]

Abrahamic mythology (19 articles)
# '''[[Abraham]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Adam and Eve]]
# [[Cain and Abel]]
# [[David]]
# [[Daniel (biblical figure)|Daniel]]
# [[Elijah]]
# [[Ezra]]
# [[Isaac]]
# [[Isaiah]]
# [[Ishmael]]
# [[Jacob]]
# [[Joseph (Genesis)|Joseph]]
# [[Lilith]]
# '''[[Moses]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Noah]]
# [[Queen of Sheba]]
# [[Satan]]
# [[Solomon]]
# [[Yahweh]]

Chinese mythology (3 articles)
# [[Jade Emperor]]
# [[Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors]]
## [[Yellow Emperor]]

Egyptian mythology (8 articles)
# [[Amun]]&lt;!--head god--&gt;
# [[Anubis]]
# [[Hathor]]
# [[Horus]]
# [[Isis]]
# [[Osiris]]
# [[Ra]]
# [[Thoth]]
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Greco-Roman mythology (20 articles)
Greek mythological heroes (5 articles)
# [[Achilles]]
# [[Aeneas]]
# [[Heracles]] &lt;!--(Hercules)--&gt;
# [[Odysseus]] &lt;!--(Ulysses)--&gt;
# [[Perseus]]

Greek deities (11 articles)
# [[Aphrodite]]
# [[Apollo]]
# [[Artemis]]
# [[Athena]]
# [[Demeter]]
# [[Hades]]
# [[Hera]]
# [[Hermes]]
# [[Hephaestus]]
# [[Poseidon]]
# [[Zeus]]

Roman deities (4 articles)
# [[Jupiter (mythology)|Jupiter]]
# [[Mars (mythology)|Mars]]
# [[Minerva]]
# [[Venus (mythology)|Venus]]

Mesopotamian mythology (3 articles)
# [[Enki]]
# [[Enlil]]
# [[Inanna]]

Native American mythology (3 articles)
# [[Coyote (mythology)|Coyote]]
# [[Great Spirit]]
# [[Quetzalcoatl]]

Norse mythology (3 articles)
# [[Odin]]
# [[Freyja]]
# [[Thor]]

Other mythology (3 articles)

African mythology (1 article)
# [[Anansi]]


Central Asia mythology (1 article)
# [[Tengri]]


Shinto mythology (1 article)
# [[Amaterasu]]
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Mythological creatures (22 articles)
# [[Legendary creature]]
# [[Angel]]
# [[Centaur]]
# [[Chimera (mythology)|Chimera]]
# [[Death (personification)]]
# [[Demon]]
# [[Devil]]
# [[Dragon]]
# [[Fairy]]
# [[Garuda]]
# [[Ghost]]
# [[Giant]]
# [[Jinn]]
# [[Leprechaun]]
# [[Mermaid]]
# [[Pegasus]]
# [[Siren (mythology)|Siren]]
# [[Sphinx]]
# [[Unicorn]]
# [[Vampire]]
# [[Werewolf]]
# [[Zombie]]

Mythological places (5 articles)
# [[Atlantis]]
# [[Camelot]]
# [[El Dorado]]
# [[Shangri-La]]
# [[Utopia]]
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=Everyday life (481 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Clothing and fashion&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Clothing and fashion (36 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Clothing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Jewellery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Belt (clothing)|Belt]]
# [[Button]]
# [[Cloak]]
# [[Coat]]
# [[Cosmetics]]
## [[Perfume]]
# [[Dress]]
## [[Skirt]]
# [[Glove]]
# [[Hairstyle]]
## [[Beard]]
## [[Moustache]]
## [[Wig]]
# [[Handbag]]
# [[Hat]]
# [[Mask]]
# [[Nightwear]]
# [[Nudity]]
# [[Scarf]]
# [[Shirt]]
# [[Shoe]]
## [[Boot]]
# [[Suit]]
# [[Swimsuit]]
# [[Trousers]]
# [[Undergarment]]
## [[Bra]]
## [[Sock]]
## [[Diaper]]
# [[Umbrella]]
# [[Uniform]]
# [[Veil]]
# [[Wallet]]
# [[Zipper]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Cooking, food and drink&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cooking, food and drink (119 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For fruits, vegetables, herbs and animals kept for food, see Biology/Organisms&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (13 articles)
# '''[[Food]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Eating]]
## '''[[Vegetable]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Drink]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Drinking]]
# [[Meal]]
## [[Breakfast]]
## [[Lunch]]
## [[Dinner]]
## [[Snack]]
# [[Dieting]]
# [[Vegetarianism]]
## [[Veganism]]

Cuisine (9 articles)
# [[Cuisine]]
## [[Chinese cuisine]]
## [[Fast food]]
## [[French cuisine]]
## [[Japanese cuisine]]
## [[Indian cuisine]]
## [[Italian cuisine]]
## [[Mexican cuisine]]
## [[Middle Eastern cuisine]]

Food types (21 articles)
# [[Biscuit]]
# [[Breakfast cereal]]
# [[Casserole]]
# [[Curry]]
# [[Dessert]]
## [[Cake]]
## [[Candy]]
## [[Chocolate]]
# [[Dumpling]]
# [[Noodle]]
# [[Pasta]]
# [[Pastry]]
# [[Pie]]
# [[Pizza]]
# [[Porridge]]
# [[Salad]]
# [[Sandwich]]
## [[Hamburger]]
# [[Soup]]
# [[Stew]]
# [[Sushi]]
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Preparation and serving (15 articles)
# '''[[Cooking]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Baking]]
## [[Cooking oil]]
### [[Vegetable oil]]
## [[Frying]]
## [[Grilling]]
## [[Steaming]]
# '''[[Food preservation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Canning]]
## [[Fruit preserves]]
## [[Pickling]]
## [[Smoking (cooking)]]
# [[Brewing]]
# [[Bar]]
# [[Restaurant]]

Meat and other animal products (16 articles)
# '''[[Meat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Beef]]
### [[Veal]]
## [[Lamb and mutton]]
## [[Offal]]
## [[Pork]]
### [[Bacon]]
### [[Ham]]
### [[Lard]]
## [[Poultry]]
### [[Chicken as food]]
## [[Sausage]]
## [[Seafood]]
### [[Fish as food]]
# [[Egg as food]]
# [[Honey]]

Dairy and analogues (9 articles)
# '''[[Milk]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Butter]]
# [[Cream]]
# [[Margarine]]
# '''[[Cheese]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ice cream]]
# [[Soy milk]]
## [[Tofu]]
# [[Yogurt]]
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Grains (4 articles)
# '''[[Bread]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Flatbread]]
# '''[[Cereal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Flour]]

Seasonings and condiments (11 articles)
# '''[[Salt]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Spice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Condiment]]
## [[Ketchup]]
## [[Mayonnaise]]
## [[Mustard (condiment)|Mustard]]
## [[Sauce]]
### [[Chutney]]
### [[Soy sauce]]
# [[Herb]]
# [[Vinegar]]

Drinks (21 articles)

Non-alcoholic drinks (7 articles)
# '''[[Coffee]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Tea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Drinking water]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hot chocolate]]
# [[Juice]]
# [[Soft drink]]
## [[Coca-Cola]]

Alcoholic drinks (14 articles)
# '''[[Alcoholic drink]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Beer]]
## [[Wine]]
## [[Cider]]
## [[Cocktail]]
## [[Liquor]]
### [[Brandy]]
### [[Gin]]
### [[Liqueur]]
### [[Rum]]
### [[Sake]]
### [[Tequila]]
### [[Vodka]]
### [[Whisky]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Family and kinship&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Family and kinship (50 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (12 articles)
# '''[[Family]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Household]]
## [[Nuclear family]]
## [[Extended family]]
## [[Stepfamily]]
# [[Kinship]]
## [[Affinity (law)|Affinity]]
## [[Clan]]
## [[Consanguinity]]
## [[Lineage (anthropology)|Lineage]]
### [[Matrilineality]]
### [[Patrilineality]]

Interpersonal relationships (8 articles)
# [[Interpersonal relationship]]
## '''[[Friendship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Intimate relationship]]
### [[Breakup]]
### [[Cohabitation]]
### [[Concubinage]]
### [[Infidelity]]
### [[Same-sex relationship]]
{{Col-break}}

Marriage and parenting (19 articles)
# '''[[Marriage]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arranged marriage]]
## [[Civil union]]
## [[Courtship]]
### [[Dating]]
### [[Romance (love)|Romance]]
## [[Wedding]]
## [[Divorce]]
## [[Polygamy]]
## [[Monogamy]]
## [[Bigamy]]
## [[Endogamy]]
## [[Exogamy]]
# '''[[Parenting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Childbirth]]
## [[Family planning]]
## [[Adoption]]
### [[Orphan]]
## [[Disownment]]
{{Col-break}}

Family members (11 articles)
# [[Husband]]
# [[Wife]]
# [[Parent]]
## [[Father]]
## [[Mother]]
# [[Sibling]]
## [[Twin]]
# [[Grandparent]]
# [[Cousin]]
# [[Godparent]]
# [[Pet]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Household items&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Household items (19 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For appliances, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Household_appliances_.2816_articles.29|Household appliances]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Furniture and interior design (11 articles)
# '''[[Furniture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bathtub]]
# [[Bed]]
# [[Cabinetry]]
# [[Carpet]]
# [[Chair]]
# [[Couch]]
# [[Fireplace]]
# [[Pillow]]
# [[Shower]]
# [[Table (furniture)|Table]]
{{Col-break}}

Cooking and eating (8 articles)
# [[Chopsticks]]
# [[Cookware and bakeware]]
# [[Cutlery]]
## [[Fork]]
## [[Spoon]]
# [[Tableware]]
## [[Cup]]
## [[Plate (dishware)|Plate]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sexuality&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sexuality and gender (34 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Human sexuality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Gender]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Man]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Woman]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Transgender]]
# [[Intersex]] 
# '''[[Sexual orientation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Heterosexuality]]
## [[Homosexuality]]
## [[Bisexuality]]
## [[Asexuality]]
# [[Human sexual activity]]
## [[Sexual intercourse]]
## [[Foreplay]]
### [[Kiss]]
## [[Oral sex]]
## [[Anal sex]]
## [[BDSM]]
## [[Incest]]
## [[Masturbation]]
## [[Orgasm]]
## [[Promiscuity]]
## [[Prostitution]]
# '''[[Birth control]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Combined oral contraceptive pill]]
## [[Condom]]
### [[Safe sex]]
## [[Fertility]]
# [[Sex education]]
# [[Age of consent]]
# [[Pornography]]
# [[Sexual attraction]]
# [[Sexual fetishism]]
# [[Virginity]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Stages of life&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Stages of life (11 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Childhood]]
## '''[[Infant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Child]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Boy]]
### [[Girl]]
## [[Preadolescence]]
# '''[[Adolescence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Adult]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Young adult (psychology)|Young adult]]
## [[Middle age]]
## '''[[Old age]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sports and recreation&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sports and recreation (212 articles)==
Entertainment (71 articles)
&lt;small&gt;Media-based entertainment are in other categories: Literature (books, plays), Performing arts (theater, ballet etc.), Mass Media (television), and Visual arts (movies and comics).&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Entertainment and leisure (14 articles)

# '''[[Entertainment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Leisure]]
# [[Aquarium]]
# [[Beauty pageant]]
# [[Collecting]]
# [[Karaoke]]
# [[Party]]
# [[Puzzle]]
## [[Crossword]]
## [[Jigsaw puzzle]]
## [[Maze]]
## [[Riddle]]
# [[Professional wrestling]]
# [[Quiz]]

Recreation and tourism (8 articles)

# [[Recreation]]
# '''[[Tourism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Play (activity)]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Playground]]
# [[Amusement park]]
# [[Camping]]
# [[Hiking]]
# [[Zoo]]

Toys (13 articles)
# '''[[Toy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Action figure]]
# [[Doll]]
## [[Barbie]]
# [[Frisbee]]
# [[Kite]]
# [[Lego]]
# [[Marble (toy)]]
# [[Rubik's Cube]]
# [[Scale model]]
# [[Stuffed toy]]
## [[Teddy bear]]
# [[Yo-yo]]
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Games (36 articles)
# '''[[Game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Board game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Backgammon]]
## [[Chaturanga]]
## [[Chess]]
## [[Draughts]]
## [[Go (game)|Go]]
## [[Mancala]]
## [[Monopoly (game)|''Monopoly'']]
## [[Pachisi]]
## ''[[Scrabble]]''
## [[Shogi]]
## [[Xiangqi]]
# '''[[Card game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Tarot]]
## [[Blackjack]]
## [[Contract bridge]]
## [[Poker]]
# '''[[Gambling]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Casino]]
## [[Dice]]
## [[Lottery]]
## [[Roulette]]
## [[Slot machine]]
# '''[[Video game]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Video game console]]
## [[Pokémon]]
## ''[[Pong]]''
## ''[[Tetris]]''
# [[Arcade game]]
# [[Dominoes]]
# [[Hide-and-seek]]
# [[Hopscotch]]
# [[Mahjong]]
# [[Pinball]]
# [[Tag (game)|Tag]]
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Sports (141 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=37%}}
Basics (14 articles)
# '''[[Sport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Doping in sport]]
## [[Extreme sport]]
## [[Sports equipment]]
### [[Ball]]
## [[Women's sports]]
# '''[[Olympic Games]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ancient Olympic Games]]
## [[Paralympic Games]]
## [[Summer Olympic Games]]
## [[Winter Olympic Games]]
# [[Asian Games]]
# [[Mascot]]
# [[Stadium]]

Team sports (36 articles)
# [[American football]]
## [[National Football League]]
## [[Super Bowl]]
# '''[[Association football]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[FIFA World Cup]]
## [[La Liga]]
## [[Premier League]]
## [[UEFA Champions League]]
# [[Australian rules football]]
# [[Bandy]]
# [[Baseball]]
## [[Major League Baseball]]
## [[Softball]]
# [[Basketball]]
## [[National Basketball Association]]
# [[Basque pelota]]
# [[Cricket]]
## [[Cricket World Cup]]
# [[Curling]]
# [[Field hockey]]
# [[Handball]]
# [[Ice hockey]]
## [[National Hockey League]]
# [[Kabaddi]]
# [[Lacrosse]]
# [[Netball]]
# [[Polo]]
# [[Rugby football]]
## [[Rugby league]]
## [[Rugby sevens]]
## [[Rugby union]]
### [[Rugby World Cup]]
# [[Sepak takraw]]
# [[Tug of war]]
# [[Volleyball]]
## [[Beach volleyball]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Athletics (14 articles)
# '''[[Sport of athletics|Athletics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Running]]
# [[Track and field]]
## [[100 metres]]
## [[Decathlon]]
## [[Discus throw]]
## [[High jump]]
## [[Hurdling]]
## [[Javelin throw]]
## [[Long jump]]
## [[Marathon]]
## [[Pole vault]]
## [[Shot put]]
# [[Walking]]

Skating (5 articles)
# [[Ice skating]]
## [[Figure skating]]
## [[Speed skating]]
# [[Roller skating]]
# [[Skateboarding]]

Water sports (10 articles)
# [[Canoeing]]
# [[Diving (sport)|Diving]]
# [[Rowing (sport)|Rowing]]
# [[Sailing (sport)]]
# [[Underwater diving]]
## [[Scuba diving]]
# '''[[Swimming]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Swimming pool]]
## [[Swimming (sport)]]
# [[Water polo]]

Combat sport and martial arts (15 articles)
# '''[[Martial arts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Boxing]]
# [[Capoeira]]
# [[Judo]]
# [[Jujutsu]]
# [[Karate]]
# [[Kickboxing]]
# [[Mixed martial arts]]
# [[Muay Thai]]
# [[Taekwondo]]
# [[Wrestling]]
## [[Freestyle wrestling]]
## [[Greco-Roman wrestling]]
## [[Sumo]]
# [[Wushu (sport)|Wushu]]
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Other individual sports (47 articles)
# [[Angling]]
# [[Archery]]
# [[Arm wrestling]]
# [[Auto racing]]
## [[Formula One]]
# [[Badminton]]
# [[Bowling]]
## [[Bocce]]
## [[Bowls]]
## [[Ten-pin bowling]]
# [[Bodybuilding]]
# [[Bullfighting]]
# [[Croquet]]
# [[Cue sports]]&lt;!--Billards/pool--&gt;
## [[Carom billiards]]
## [[Pool (cue sports)|Pool]]
## [[Snooker]]
# [[Cycle sport]]
## [[Mountain biking]]
## [[Tour de France]]
# [[Darts]]
# [[Equestrianism]]
## [[Horse racing]]
# [[Fencing]]
# [[Gladiator]]
# [[Golf]]
# [[Gymnastics]]
# [[Mountaineering]]
# [[Orienteering]]
# [[Rock climbing]]
# [[Rodeo]]
# [[Shooting sports]]
## [[Biathlon]]
# [[Skiing]]
## [[Alpine skiing]]
## [[Cross-country skiing]]
## [[Ski jumping]]
## [[Slalom skiing]]
# [[Sled]]
## [[Bobsleigh]]
## [[Luge]]
# [[Snowboarding]]
# [[Squash (sport)|Squash]]
# [[Surfing]]
# [[Table tennis]]
# [[Tennis]]
# [[Olympic weightlifting]]
{{Col-end}}
=Society and social sciences (941 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;General&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;General (8 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Communication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Nonverbal communication]]
### [[Body language]]
# '''[[Social science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Humanities]]
# [[Information]]
# [[Meme]]
# [[Safety]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Anthropology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Anthropology (6 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
# '''[[Anthropology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Biological anthropology]]
## [[Linguistic anthropology]]
{{Col-break}}

Societal adaptations (3 articles)
# [[Farmer]]
# [[Hunter-gatherer]]
# [[Nomad]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Business and economics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Business and economics (118 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

General (71 articles)
# '''[[Business]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Company]]
## '''[[Corporation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Multinational corporation]]
## [[Partnership]]
# [[E-commerce]]
# '''[[Economics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Macroeconomics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Microeconomics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Econometrics]]
## [[Economic growth]]
## '''[[Economy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/3|Level 3]])
### [[Economy of China]]
### [[Economy of the European Union]]
### [[Economy of the United States]]
## [[Gross domestic product]]
### [[Goods]]
### [[Service (economics)|Service]]
## [[Inflation]]
## [[Deflation]]
## [[Labour economics]]
## '''[[Market (economics)|Market]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Black market]]
### [[Market failure]]
### [[Monopoly]]
### [[Perfect competition]]
### '''[[Supply and demand]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Productivity]]
## [[Subsidy]]
# '''[[Tax]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Income tax]]
## [[Property tax]]
## [[Sales tax]]
## [[Value-added tax]]
# '''[[Trade]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[International trade]]
## [[Protectionism]]
# '''[[Management]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Logistics]]
# '''[[Marketing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Advertising]]
### [[Brand]]
## [[Sales]]
# '''[[Retail]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Shopping mall]]
## [[Supermarket]]
# '''[[Property]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Capital (economics)]]
# [[Industry]]
## '''[[Agriculture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Construction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Energy industry]]
## [[Fishing industry]]
## [[Forestry]]
## [[Fur trade]]
## '''[[Hunting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Fishing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Whaling]]
## '''[[Manufacturing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
### [[Aerospace manufacturer]]
### [[Automotive industry]]
### [[Chemical industry]]
### [[Textile manufacturing]]
## '''[[Mining]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Insurance]]
# [[Investment]]
## [[Derivative (finance)]]
## [[Real estate]]
## [[Stock]]
## [[Stock exchange]]
### [[New York Stock Exchange]]

Banking and finance (21 articles)
General (11 articles)
# [[Accounting]]
# '''[[Bank]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bankruptcy]]
# [[Cheque]]
# [[Debit card]]
# [[Debt]]
## [[Credit card]]
## [[Interest]]
## [[Loan]]
### [[Mortgage loan]]
# '''[[Finance]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Money (5 articles)
# '''[[Money]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Currency]]
## [[Banknote]]
## [[Coin]]
## [[Exchange rate]]

Specific currencies (5 articles)
# [[Euro]]
# [[Japanese yen]]
# [[Pound sterling]]
# [[Renminbi]]
# [[United States dollar]]

Employment (8 articles)
# [[Domestic worker]]
# '''[[Employment]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Job]]
# [[Layoff]]
# [[Retirement]]
## [[Pension]]
# [[Unemployment]]
# [[Wage]]

Companies (18 articles)
General (12 articles)
# [[Alibaba Group]]
# [[Amazon (company)|Amazon]]
# [[Apple Inc.]]
# [[AT&amp;T]]
# [[General Electric]]
# [[IBM]]
# [[McDonald's]]
# [[Microsoft]]
# [[Nestlé]]
# [[Samsung]]
# [[Standard Oil]]
# [[Walmart]]

Car companies (4 articles)
# [[Ford Motor Company]]
# [[General Motors]]
# [[Toyota]]
# [[Volkswagen]]

Media companies (2 articles)
# [[Nintendo]]
# [[The Walt Disney Company]]
&lt;small&gt;For other media companies, see under Mass media&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Culture&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Culture (35 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (13 articles)
# '''[[Culture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Popular culture]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cultural assimilation]]
# [[Tradition]]
## '''[[Oral tradition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Greeting]]
# [[Body modification]]
## [[Body piercing]]
## [[Circumcision]]
## [[Female genital mutilation]]
## [[Tattoo]]
# [[Taboo]]
## [[Human cannibalism]]
{{Col-break}}

Festivals, holidays, and observances (22 articles)
# [[Birthday]]
# '''[[Festival]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Carnival]]
## [[Harvest festival]]
## [[Holi]]
## [[Diwali]]
## [[World's fair]]
# [[Holiday]]
## [[Christmas]]
## [[Easter]]
### [[Pentecost]]&lt;!--Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ; Pentecost celebrates the birth/founding of the Christian/Catholic church--&gt;
## [[Halloween]]
## [[New Year]]
### [[New Year's Day]]
### [[Chinese New Year]]
### [[Rosh Hashanah]]
## [[Nowruz]]
## [[Passover]]
## [[Yom Kippur]]
# [[Ramadan]]
## [[Eid al-Fitr]]
# [[Sabbath]]

{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Education&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Education (61 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (13 articles)
# '''[[Education]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Early childhood education]]
## [[Primary education]] 
## [[Secondary education]]
# '''[[Learning]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Library]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[School]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Boarding school]]
## [[Curriculum]]
## [[Teacher]]
## [[Test (assessment)|Test]]
# [[University]]
## [[College]]
{{Col-break}}

Libraries (8 articles)


Africa (1 article)
# [[Library of Alexandria]]


Americas (2 articles)
# [[Library of Congress]]
# [[New York Public Library]]


Asia (1 article)
# [[National Library of China]]
{{Col-break}}


Europe (4 articles)
# [[Vatican Library]]
# [[British Library]]
# [[Russian State Library]]
# [[Bibliothèque nationale de France]]
{{Col-end}}

Educational institutions (40 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Africa (2 articles)
# [[University of al-Qarawiyyin]]
# [[Al-Azhar University]]

Americas (13 articles)
# [[National Autonomous University of Mexico]]
# [[University of Toronto]]

United States (7 articles)
# [[University of Chicago]]
# [[California Institute of Technology]]
# [[Johns Hopkins University]]
# [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology]]
# [[Stanford University]]
# [[University of Virginia]]
# [[University of California, Berkeley]]

Ivy League (4 articles)
# [[Ivy League]]
# [[Harvard University]]
# [[Yale University]]
# [[Princeton University]]

Asia (6 articles)
# [[Kyoto University]]
# [[University of Tokyo]]
# [[Indian Institutes of Technology]]

China (3 articles)
# [[University of Hong Kong]]
# [[Peking University]]
# [[Tsinghua University]]
{{Col-break}}

Europe (19 articles)
# [[University of Bologna]]
# [[University of Copenhagen]]
# [[Complutense University of Madrid]]
# [[University of Vienna]]
# [[Leiden University]]
# [[Sapienza University of Rome]]
# [[University of Salamanca]]
# [[ETH Zurich]]

France (2 articles)
# [[École normale supérieure (Paris)|École normale supérieure]]
# [[University of Paris]]

Germany (4 articles)
# [[Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich]]
# [[Humboldt University of Berlin]]
# [[University of Göttingen]]
# [[Heidelberg University]]

UK (2 articles)
# [[University of Cambridge]]
# [[University of Oxford]]

Eastern Europe (3 articles)
# [[Charles University|Charles University in Prague]]
# [[Jagiellonian University]]
# [[Moscow State University]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Ethnology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ethnology (38 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (7 articles)
# [[Ethnology]]
# '''[[Ethnic group]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Indigenous peoples]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diaspora]]
# [[Ethnocentrism]]
# [[Ethnography]]
# [[Self-determination]]

Ethnic groups (31 articles)
# [[Aboriginal Australians]]
# [[Adivasi]]
# [[African Pygmies]]
# [[Arabs]]
## [[Bedouin]]
# [[Austronesian peoples]]
# [[Bantu peoples]]
# [[Basques]]
# [[Berbers]]
# [[Han Chinese]]
# [[Hmong people]]
# [[Indigenous peoples of the Americas]]
## [[Cherokee]]
## [[Inuit]]
## [[Iroquois]]
## [[Maya peoples]]
## [[Navajo]]
## [[Quechua people]]
## [[Sioux]]
# [[Jews]]
# [[Kurds]]
# [[Maasai people]]
# [[Māori people]]
# [[Romani people]]
# [[Sámi people]]
# [[San people]]
# [[Slavs]]
# [[Tibetan people]]
# [[Uyghurs]]
# [[Yoruba people]]
# [[Zulu people]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;International organizations&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;International organizations (30 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
United Nations organizations (10 articles)
# '''[[United Nations]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[International Atomic Energy Agency]]
# [[International Court of Justice]]
# [[International Criminal Court]]
# '''[[International Monetary Fund]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[UNESCO]]
# [[UNICEF]]
# [[World Bank Group]]
# '''[[World Health Organization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[World Trade Organization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Governmental organizations (17 articles)
# [[African Union]]
# [[Arab League]]
# [[ASEAN]]
# [[Commonwealth of Independent States]]
# [[Commonwealth of Nations]]
# [[Council of Europe]]
# '''[[European Union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[G20]]
# [[Interpol]]
# [[League of Nations]]
# '''[[NATO]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[North American Free Trade Agreement]]
# [[OECD]]
# [[OPEC]]
# [[Organization for Security and Co-operation in Europe]]
# [[Organization of American States]]
# [[Warsaw Pact]]

Non-governmental organizations (3 articles)
# '''[[International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Nobel Prize]]
# [[Scouting]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Language&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Language (197 articles)==

Basics (62 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## [[Origin of language]]
# '''[[Grammar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Syntax]]
## [[Sentence (linguistics)|Sentence]]
## [[Clause]]
## [[Phrase]]
### [[Proverb]]
## [[Noun]]
### [[Name]]
#### '''[[Personal name]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
#### [[Surname]]
## [[Verb]]
### [[Grammatical tense]]
## [[Adjective]]
## [[Adverb]]
## [[Pronoun]]
## [[Preposition and postposition]]
## [[Conjunction (grammar)|Conjunction]]
## [[Interjection]]
# '''[[Linguistics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Comparative linguistics]]
## [[Historical linguistics]]
### [[Etymology]]
## [[Linguistic typology]]
# [[Literacy]]
## [[Reading]]
# [[Morphology (linguistics)|Morphology]]
## [[Morpheme]]
# [[Phonetics]]
## [[Consonant]]
## [[International Phonetic Alphabet]]
## [[Prosody (linguistics)|Prosody]]
## [[Vowel]]
# [[Phonology]]
## [[Phoneme]]
## [[Syllable]]
# [[Rhetoric]]
# [[Semantics]]
## [[Euphemism]]
## [[Profanity]]
# [[Semiotics]]
## [[Pragmatics]]
## [[Symbol]]
# [[Sociolinguistics]]
## [[Accent (sociolinguistics)|Accent]]
## [[Dialect]]
## [[Diglossia]]
## [[Endangered language]]
## [[Language death]]
## [[Multilingualism]]
## [[Slang]]
# '''[[Speech]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Speech act]]
# [[Translation]]
# '''[[Word]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Writing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Letter (alphabet)|Letter]]
## [[Orthography]]
## [[Transliteration]]
## [[Writing system]]
{{Div col end}}

Language families (28 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Language family]]
# [[Afroasiatic languages]]
## [[Semitic languages]]
# [[Algic languages]]
# [[Austroasiatic languages]]
# [[Austronesian languages]]
# [[Creole language]]
# [[Dravidian languages]]
# [[Eskimo–Aleut languages]]
# '''[[Indo-European languages]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Indo-Aryan languages]]
## [[Romance languages]]
## [[Germanic languages]]
## [[Iranian languages]]
## [[Slavic languages]]
# [[Kartvelian languages]]
# [[Khoisan languages]]
# [[Kra–Dai languages]]
# [[Niger–Congo languages]]
## [[Bantu languages]]
# [[Nilo-Saharan languages]]
# [[North Caucasian languages]]
# [[Sign language]]
# [[Sino-Tibetan languages]]
# [[Trans–New Guinea languages]]
# [[Turkic languages]]
# [[Uralic languages]]
# [[Uto-Aztecan languages]]
{{Div col end}}

Alphabets and writing systems (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Arabic alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Brahmic scripts]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Braille]]
# '''[[Chinese characters]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cuneiform]]
# '''[[Cyrillic script]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Devanagari]]
# [[Egyptian hieroglyphs]]
# '''[[Greek alphabet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hangul]]
# [[Japanese writing system]]
# '''[[Latin script]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Maya script]]
# [[Morse code]]
# [[Phoenician alphabet]]
# [[Rosetta Stone]]
# [[Runes]]
{{Div col end}}

Specific languages (90 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Indo-European languages (42 articles)
# [[Armenian language]]
# '''[[Greek language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ancient Greek]]

Germanic languages (10 articles)
# [[Danish language]]
# [[Dutch language]]
# '''[[English language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[English grammar]]
## [[Old English]]
## [[Middle English]]
## [[Modern English]]
# '''[[German language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Swedish language]]
# [[Yiddish]]

Romance languages (6 articles)
# '''[[French language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Italian language]]
# '''[[Latin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Portuguese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Romanian language]]
# '''[[Spanish language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Slavic languages (6 articles)
# [[Czech language]]
# [[Old Church Slavonic]]
# [[Polish language]]
# '''[[Russian language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Serbo-Croatian]]
# [[Ukrainian language]]

Iranian languages (3 articles)
# [[Kurdish languages]]
# [[Pashto]]
# [[Persian language]]
{{Col-break}}


Indo-Aryan languages (14 articles)
# [[Assamese language]]
# '''[[Bengali language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Hindustani language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hindi]]
## [[Urdu]]
# [[Marathi language]]
# [[Nepali language]]
# [[Odia language]]
# [[Pali]]
# [[Sanskrit]]
# [[Sindhi language]]
# [[Sinhala language]]
# [[Punjabi language]]
# [[Gujarati language]]

Afroasiatic languages (12 articles)
# [[Akkadian language]]
# [[Amharic]]
# '''[[Arabic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Classical Arabic]]
## [[Egyptian Arabic]]
# [[Aramaic]]
# [[Berber languages]]
# [[Egyptian language]]
# [[Hebrew language]]
# [[Hausa language]]
# [[Oromo language]]
# [[Somali language]]

Sino-Tibetan languages (8 articles)
# [[Burmese language]]
# '''[[Chinese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Classical Chinese]]
## [[Hakka Chinese]]
## [[Mandarin Chinese]]
## [[Wu Chinese]]
## [[Yue Chinese]]
## [[Min Chinese]]
{{Col-break}}

Austronesian languages (7 articles)
# [[Cebuano language]]
# [[Indonesian language]]
# [[Javanese language]]
# [[Malagasy language]]
# [[Malay language]]
# [[Sundanese language]]
# [[Tagalog language]]

Austro-Asiatic languages (2 articles)
# [[Khmer language]]
# [[Vietnamese language]]

Dravidian languages (4 articles)
# [[Kannada]]
# [[Malayalam]]
# [[Tamil language]]
# [[Telugu language]]

Niger–Congo languages (4 articles)
# [[Fula language]]
# [[Igbo language]]
# [[Swahili language]]
# [[Yoruba language]]

Turkic languages (4 articles)
# [[Azerbaijani language]]
# [[Kazakh language]]
# [[Turkish language]]
# [[Uzbek language]]

Other languages (7 articles)
# [[Esperanto]]
# '''[[Japanese language]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hungarian language]]
# [[Korean language]]
# [[Quechuan languages]]
# [[Sumerian language]]
# [[Thai language]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Law&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Law (83 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For legal history see [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/History#History_of_other_topics_.2816_articles.29|History of other topics]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (26 articles)
# '''[[Law]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Alternative dispute resolution]]
# [[Appeal]]
# [[Capital punishment]]
# '''[[Constitution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Contract]]
# [[Damages]]
# [[Equity (law)|Equity]]
# [[Evidence (law)|Evidence]]
## [[Forensic science]]
# [[Impartiality]]
# [[Injunction]]
# [[Jurisprudence]]
## [[Statutory interpretation]]
# '''[[Justice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lawsuit]]
# [[Negligence]]
# [[Presumption of innocence]]
# [[Rights]]
## [[Civil and political rights]]
## [[Freedom of speech]]
## [[Suffrage]]
### '''[[Women's suffrage]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tort]]
# [[Trial]]
# [[Witness]]
{{Col-break}}

Crime (19 articles)
# '''[[Crime]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Organized crime]]
# [[Driving under the influence]]
# [[Fraud]]
# [[Human trafficking]]
# [[Illegal drug trade]]
# [[Kidnapping]]
# [[Piracy]]
# [[Smuggling]]
# [[Theft]]
## [[Robbery]]
# [[Assault]]
# [[Battery (crime)]]
# [[Domestic violence]]
# [[Homicide]]
## [[Murder]]
# [[Sexual assault]]
## [[Rape]]
# [[Torture]]

Institutions and professions (8 articles)
# [[Court]]
# [[Judge]]
# [[Judiciary]]
## [[Rule of law]]
# [[Jury]]
# [[Lawyer]]
# '''[[Police]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Security]]
{{Col-break}}

Subjects (17 articles)
# [[Administrative law]]
# [[Civil law (legal system)|Civil law]]
# [[Common law]]
# [[Criminal law]]
## [[Criminal procedure]]
# [[Customary law]]
# [[Intellectual property]]
## [[Copyright]]
## [[Patent]]
# [[International law]]
# [[Precedent]]
# [[Property law]]
## [[Inheritance]]
## [[Will and testament]]
# [[Religious law]]
# [[Statutory law]]
# [[Trust law]]

Specific documents (13 articles)
# [[Code of Hammurabi]]
# ''[[Corpus Juris Civilis]]''
# ''[[Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen]]''
# [[Geneva Conventions]]
# [[International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights]]
# [[International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights]]
# [[Magna Carta]]
# [[Napoleonic Code]]
# [[Nuremberg principles]]
# [[Statute of Westminster 1931]]
# [[Constitution of the United States]]
# [[United States Declaration of Independence]]
# ''[[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]''
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Mass media&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Mass media (58 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For technology of mass communication, television, radio, etc., see technology section&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (11 articles)
# [[Cartoon]]
# [[Censorship]]
# '''[[Journalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mass media]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[News]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[News media]]
# [[Photojournalism]]
# [[Propaganda]]
# [[Public relations]]
# '''[[Publishing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Western (genre)]]
Academic journals (5 articles)

# [[Academic journal]]
## ''[[Journal des sçavans]]''
## ''[[Nature (journal)|Nature]]''
## ''[[Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society]]''
## ''[[Science (journal)|Science]]''

Magazines (13 articles)
# [[Magazine]]
## [[Mad (magazine)|''Mad'']]
## ''[[National Geographic]]''
## ''[[The New Yorker]]''
## ''[[Playboy]]''
## [[Punch (magazine)|''Punch'']]
## ''[[Reader's Digest]]''
## ''[[Rolling Stone]]''
## ''[[Scientific American]]''
## ''[[Der Spiegel]]''
## [[Time (magazine)|''Time'']]
## [[Vogue (magazine)|''Vogue'']]
## ''[[Weekly Shōnen Jump]]''
{{Col-break}}

Newspapers (6 articles)
# [[Newspaper]]
## ''[[The Times]]''
## ''[[The New York Times]]''
## ''[[The Wall Street Journal]]''
## ''[[The Washington Post]]''
## ''[[Le Monde]]''

Radio (1 article)
# [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (radio series)]]

Television (18 articles)
# [[Documentary film]]
# [[Emmy Award]]
# [[Game show]]
# [[Reality television]]
# [[Sitcom]]
# [[Soap opera]]
# [[Talk show]]
# [[Television in the United States]]
# [[Television show]]
## ''[[Doctor Who]]''
## ''[[Eurovision Song Contest]]''
## ''[[Looney Tunes]]''
## ''[[Meet the Press]]''
## ''[[Sesame Street]]''
## ''[[The Simpsons]]''
## ''[[Star Trek]]''
# [[Television network]]
## [[BBC]]
{{Col-break}}

Websites (4 articles)
# [[Facebook]]
# [[Google]]
## [[YouTube]]
# [[Wikipedia]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Politics and government&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Politics and government (75 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Politics (20 articles)
# '''[[Politics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Political science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Diplomacy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diplomatic mission]]
## [[International relations]]
# '''[[Imperialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Colonialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Globalization]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Civics]]
## [[Citizenship]]
# [[Civil liberties]]
# [[Election]]
## [[Opinion poll]]
## [[Political campaign]]
## '''[[Political party]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Referendum]]
# [[Nation]]
# [[Revolution]]
# [[Riot]]
# [[Cult of personality]]

Forms of government (9 articles)
# '''[[Government]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Democracy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Dictatorship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Monarchy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Absolute monarchy]]
### [[Constitutional monarchy]]
## '''[[Theocracy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Oligarchy]]
## [[Republic]]
{{Col-break}}

State structure and administration (22 articles)
# '''[[State (polity)|State]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[City-state]]
## [[Nation state]]
### [[Unitary state]]
### [[Federation]]
### [[Federalism]]
## [[Confederation]]
## [[Empire]]
## [[Welfare state]]
### '''[[Welfare]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sovereignty]]
# [[National security]]
# [[Decentralization]]
# [[Executive (government)|Executive]]
## [[Head of state]]
# [[Legislature]]
## [[Parliament]]
# [[Public policy]]
## [[Economic policy]]
## [[Public administration]]
### [[Civil service]]
# [[Separation of powers]]
{{Col-break}}

Ideology and political theory (24 articles)
# '''[[Ideology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Political spectrum]]
# '''[[Anarchism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Capitalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Socialism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Communism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Marxism]]
### [[Leninism]]
# '''[[Fascism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Nazism]]
# '''[[Liberalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Libertarianism]]
# '''[[Conservatism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Nationalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Zionism]]
# [[Patriotism]]
# [[Populism]]
# [[Cosmopolitanism]]
# [[Totalitarianism]]
# [[Christian democracy]]
# [[Social democracy]]
# [[Green politics]]
# [[Multiculturalism]]
# [[Islamism]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Psychology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Psychology (80 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For [[psychological disorders]] see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Biology_and_health_sciences#Mental_disorders_.2816_articles.29|Mental disorders]]&lt;/small&gt;
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{{Col-break}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Psychology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Clinical psychology]]
# [[Cognitive psychology]]
# [[Developmental psychology]]
# [[Personality psychology]]
# [[Psychology of religion]]
# [[Psychotherapy]]

Psychology schools (6 articles)
# [[Analytical psychology]]
# [[Behaviorism]]
# [[Evolutionary psychology]]
# [[Gestalt psychology]]
# [[Humanistic psychology]]
# [[Psychoanalysis]]

Interpersonal relations (17 articles)
# [[Aggression]]
# [[Altruism]]
# [[Blame]]
# [[Bullying]]
# [[Charisma]]
# [[Competition]]
# [[Conformity]]
# [[Empathy]]
# [[Forgiveness]]
# [[Honour]]
# [[Lie]]
# '''[[Privacy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Prejudice]]
# [[Punishment]]
# [[Respect]]
# [[Shyness]]
# [[Trust (social science)|Trust]]
{{Col-break}}

Emotions and traits (28 articles)
# '''[[Emotion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Agreeableness]]
# '''[[Anger]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Anxiety]]
# [[Conscientiousness]]
# [[Courage]]
# [[Curiosity]]
# [[Dignity]]
# [[Disgust]]
# [[Doubt]]
# [[Extraversion and introversion]]
# '''[[Fear]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Guilt (emotion)]]
# '''[[Happiness]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Hatred]]
# [[Hope]]
# '''[[Humour]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jealousy]]
# '''[[Love]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lust]]
# [[Neuroticism]]
# [[Openness to experience]]
# [[Pleasure]]
# [[Sadness]]
# [[Self-esteem]]
# [[Shame]]
# [[Surprise (emotion)|Surprise]]
# [[Suffering]]
{{Col-break}}

Concepts (22 articles)
# [[Amnesia]]
# [[Attention]]
# [[Cognition]]
# [[Cognitive development]]
# [[Confirmation bias]]
# '''[[Consciousness]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Creativity]]
# '''[[Dream]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Human behavior]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Human intelligence]]
# [[Hypnosis]]
# [[Imagination]]
# [[Introspection]]
# '''[[Memory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mind]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Mood (psychology)|Mood]]
# [[Motivation]]
# [[Oedipus complex]]
# [[Perception]]
# '''[[Personality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Stereotype]]
# '''[[Thought]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Society&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Society (81 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=34%}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Society]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Civil society]]
# [[Institution]]
# [[Social norm]]
# [[Social order]]
# [[Solidarity]]
# [[Public]]

Groups (12 articles)
# [[Club (organization)|Club]]
# '''[[Community]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Gang]]
# [[Organization]]
## [[Non-governmental organization]]
## [[Nonprofit organization]]
## '''[[Trade union]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Secret society]]
# [[Social network]]
# [[Support group]]
# [[Tribe]]
# [[Voluntary association]]

Services and institutions (5 articles)
# [[Emergency management]]
# [[Firefighting]]
# [[Orphanage]]
# [[Prison]]
# [[Social work]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Issues (28 articles)
# [[Social issue]]
# '''[[Abortion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Animal welfare]]
# [[Child labour]]
# [[Corruption]]
# [[Deforestation]]
# '''[[Disability]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Environmentalism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Euthanasia]]
# '''[[Famine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Homelessness]]
# '''[[Human migration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Immigration]]
# [[Human overpopulation]]
## [[One-child policy]]
# [[Humanitarianism]]
# [[Pacifism]]
## '''[[Peace]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[World peace]]
# '''[[Pollution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Air pollution]]
## [[Water pollution]]
# [[Population ageing]]
# '''[[Poverty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Social movement]]
# '''[[Suicide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sustainable development]]
# [[Violence]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Social status (29 articles)
# [[Economic inequality]]
# [[Gender equality]]
## '''[[Feminism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Women's rights]]
# '''[[Human rights]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Liberty]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Social equality]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Minority group]]
# [[Political freedom]]
# [[Race (human categorization)|Race]]
# [[Social stratification]]
# '''[[Slavery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Caste (3 articles)
# [[Caste]]
# [[Caste system in India]]
# [[Four occupations]]

Social classes (8 articles)
# '''[[Social class]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Clergy]]
# [[Eunuch]]
# [[Upper class]]
# [[Middle class]]
# [[Working class]]
# [[Underclass]]
# [[Peasant]]

Discrimination (6 articles)
# '''[[Discrimination]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Class discrimination]]
# [[Homophobia]]
# '''[[Racism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sexism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Genocide denial]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Sociology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Sociology (21 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Sociology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Criminology]]
# [[Demography]]
## [[Census]]
# [[Etiquette]]
# [[Generation]]
# [[Nature versus nurture]]
# [[Peer pressure]]
# '''[[Power (social and political)]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Social change]]
# [[Social control]]
## [[Deviance (sociology)|Deviance]]
# [[Social group]]
## [[Identity (social science)|Identity]]
# [[Social reality]]
# [[Social research]]
# [[Social theory]]
# [[Socialization]]
# [[Sociological theory]]
# [[Structure and agency]]
# [[Subculture]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;War and military&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;War and military (50 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;''See also [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Military_technology_.2867_articles.29|Military technology]]''&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (12 articles)
# '''[[War]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Casualty (person)|Casualty]]
# [[Conscription]]
# [[Desertion]]
# [[Duel]]
# [[Law of war]]
# [[Medal]]
# [[Militarism]]
# [[Prisoner of war]]
# [[Refugee]]
# [[War crime]]
## '''[[Genocide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Wars by type (5 articles)
# [[Civil war]]
# [[Ethnic conflict]]
# [[Invasion]]
# [[Rebellion]]
# [[Religious war]]
{{Col-break}}

Warfare by type (10 articles)
# '''[[Terrorism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aerial warfare]]
# [[Anti-aircraft warfare]]
# [[Armoured warfare]]
# [[Espionage]]
# [[Guerrilla warfare]]
# [[Naval warfare]]
# [[Siege]]
# [[Sniper]]
# [[Trench warfare]]

Military (23 articles)
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Military]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Military education and training]]
# [[Military–industrial complex]]
# [[Military science]]
# [[Operational level of war]]
## [[Military strategy]]
## [[Military tactics]]
{{Col-break}}

Military forces (8 articles)
# [[Army]]
## [[Cavalry]]
## [[Infantry]]
## [[Militia]]
# [[Navy]]
# [[Air force]]
# [[Soldier]]
# [[Military reserve]]

Military operations (3 articles)
# [[Battle]]
# [[Blockade]]
# [[Peacekeeping]]

Military organization (3 articles)
# [[Military organization]]
# [[Command and control]]
# [[Staff (military)]]

Military ranks (2 articles)
# [[Military rank]]
# [[Officer (armed forces)|Officer]]
{{Col-end}}
=Biology and health sciences (1,477 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (42 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Life]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## '''[[Death]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Abiogenesis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Organism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Model organism]]
# '''[[Biology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Microbiology]]
## [[Mycology]]
# [[Biomechanics]]
# '''[[Genetics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Gene]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Genetic code]]
## [[Gene expression]]
## '''[[Heredity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Epigenetics]]
## [[Human genome]]
## [[Hybrid (biology)|Hybrid]]
## [[Mendelian inheritance]]
# '''[[Evolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Natural selection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Adaptation]]
## [[Genetic drift]]
## [[Evolutionary history of life]]
## [[Mutation]]
# '''[[Human evolution]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Australopithecus]]''
## ''[[Homo habilis]]''
## ''[[Homo erectus]]''
## [[European early modern humans]]
## [[Denisovan]]
## [[Neanderthal]]
## ''[[Paranthropus]]''
# [[Neuroscience]]
## '''[[Sense]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Paleontology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fossil]]
# [[Phylogenetics]]
## [[Binomial nomenclature]]
## '''[[Taxonomy (biology)|Taxonomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Domain (biology)|Domain]]
### [[Kingdom (biology)|Kingdom]]
### '''[[Species]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Anatomy and morphology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Anatomy and morphology (122 articles)==

Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Anatomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Dissection]]
# [[Organ (anatomy)|Organ]]
# [[Tissue (biology)|Tissue]]
# [[Sexual dimorphism]]

Animal (95 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (9 articles)
# [[Endocrine system]]
## [[Adrenal gland]]
## [[Thyroid]]
# '''[[Immune system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Antibody]]
# [[Abdomen]]
# [[Head]]
# [[Thorax]]
# [[Venom]]

Circulatory system (10 articles)
# '''[[Circulatory system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Artery]]
# '''[[Blood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Red blood cell]]
## [[White blood cell]]
# [[Capillary]]
# '''[[Heart]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Lymphatic system]]
# [[Spleen]]
# [[Vein]]

Digestive system (7 articles)
# [[Mouth]]
# [[Esophagus]]
# [[Stomach]]
# [[Small intestine]]
# [[Large intestine]]
# '''[[Liver]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pancreas]]

Muscular system (5 articles)
# [[Muscular system]]
# '''[[Muscle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Myocyte]]
# [[Sarcomere]]
# [[Skeletal muscle]]
{{Col-break}}

Nervous system (25 articles)
# '''[[Nervous system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Central nervous system]]
## [[Peripheral nervous system]]
# '''[[Brain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Brainstem]]
## [[Cerebellum]]
## [[Cerebral cortex]]
## [[Cerebrum]]
## [[Neuron]]
# [[Spinal cord]]
# [[Sensory nervous system]]
# [[Auditory system]]
## '''[[Ear]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hearing]]
# [[Taste]]
## [[Tongue]]
# [[Olfactory system]]
## [[Nose]]
## [[Olfaction]]
# [[Somatosensory system]]
## [[Pain]]
# [[Visual system]]
## '''[[Eye]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Visual perception]]
### [[Color vision]]

Integumentary system (9 articles)
# [[Integumentary system]]
# [[Breast]]
# [[Feather]]
# [[Fingerprint]]
# [[Fur]]
# [[Hair]]
# [[Nail (anatomy)]]
# [[Scale (anatomy)]]
# '''[[Skin]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Reproductive system (11 articles)
# [[Reproductive system]]
## [[Female reproductive system]]
## [[Male reproductive system]]
# [[Sex organ]]
## [[Clitoris]]
## [[Ovary]]
## [[Penis]]
## [[Placenta]]
## [[Testicle]]
## [[Uterus]]
## [[Vagina]]

Respiratory system (3 articles)
# [[Respiratory system]]
# [[Gill]]
# '''[[Lung]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Skeletal system (7 articles)
# '''[[Skeleton]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bone]]
# [[Jaw]]
# [[Joint]]
# [[Pelvis]]
# [[Skull]]
# [[Vertebral column]]

Urinary system (3 articles)
# [[Urinary bladder]]
# [[Kidney]]
# [[Urinary system]]

Tissues (6 articles)
# [[Connective tissue]]
## [[Cartilage]]
## [[Tendon]]
# [[Epithelium]]
# [[Muscle tissue]]
# [[Nervous tissue]]
{{Col-end}}

Plant (20 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (12 articles)
# [[Plant anatomy]]
# [[Plant morphology]]
# '''[[Flower]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Fruit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Berry (botany)|Berry]]
## '''[[Nut (fruit)|Nut]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leaf]]
# [[Root]]
# [[Stoma]]
# '''[[Seed]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Shrub]]
# '''[[Tree]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
{{Col-break}}

Plant stem (3 articles)
# [[Plant stem]]
# [[Bark (botany)|Bark]]
# [[Trunk (botany)|Trunk]]

Plant tissues (5 articles)
# [[Epidermis (botany)|Epidermis]]
# [[Ground tissue]]
# [[Meristem]]
# [[Vascular tissue]]
# [[Vascular cambium]]
{{Col-end}}

Fungus (2 articles)
# [[Hypha]]
# [[Mycelium]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biochemistry and molecular biology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biochemistry and molecular biology (43 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Biochemistry]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Chemical biology]]
# '''[[Molecular biology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Biomolecule]]
# [[Alkaloid]]
## [[Caffeine]]
## [[Cocaine]]
## [[Morphine]]
## [[Nicotine]]
# [[Biological pigment]]
## [[Carotenoid]]
## [[Chlorophyll]]
## [[Melanin]]
# [[Carbohydrate]]
## '''[[Sugar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Fructose]]
### [[Glucose]]
### [[Lactose]]
## [[Cellulose]]
## [[Chitin]]
## [[Glycogen]]
## [[Starch]]
# [[Hormone]]
## [[Dopamine]]
## [[Adrenaline]]
## [[Estrogen]]
## [[Insulin]]
## [[Oxytocin]]
## [[Plant hormone]]
## [[Testosterone]]
# [[Lipid]]
## [[Cholesterol]]
## [[Fat]]
## [[Fatty acid]]
# [[Nucleic acid]]
## '''[[DNA]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[RNA]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Protein]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amino acid]]
## [[Enzyme]]
## [[Hemoglobin]]
## [[Protein (nutrient)]]
# [[Steroid]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biological processes and physiology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biological processes and physiology (47 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# [[Blood sugar level]]
# [[Circadian rhythm]]
# '''[[Digestion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Excretion]]
# '''[[Metabolism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Muscle contraction]]
# '''[[Photosynthesis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Respiration (physiology)|Respiration]]
# [[Thermoregulation]]
# [[Transpiration]]

Biological reproduction (8 articles)
# '''[[Reproduction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Asexual reproduction]]
# [[Sexual reproduction]]
## '''[[Sex]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Female]]
## [[Male]]
# [[Microbial cyst]]
# [[Spore]]
{{Col-break}}

Animal reproduction (7 articles)
# [[Birth]]
# [[Egg]]
# [[Menstrual cycle]]
# [[Menopause]]
# '''[[Pregnancy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Semen]]
# [[Sperm]]

Plant reproduction (7 articles)
# [[Plant reproduction]]
# [[Alternation of generations]]
# [[Gametophyte]]
# [[Plant reproductive morphology]]
# [[Pollen]]
# [[Pollination]]
# [[Sporophyte]]

Development (2 articles)
# [[Developmental biology]]
# [[Development of the human body]]
{{Col-break}}

Animal ontogeny (13 articles)
# [[Cuticle]]
# [[Embryo]]
# [[Fetus]]
# [[Imago]]
# [[Larva]]
# [[Longevity]]
# [[Metamorphosis]]
# [[Moulting]]
# [[Nymph (biology)|Nymph]]
# [[Ontogeny]]
# [[Puberty]]
# [[Pupa]]
# [[Tadpole]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Botany&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Botany (5 articles)==
# '''[[Botany]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Plant]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Carnivorous plant]]
## [[Flowering plant]]
## [[Weed]]

==&lt;span id=&quot;Cell biology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Cell biology (36 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (1 article)
# [[Cell biology]]

Cell processes (10 articles)
# [[Active transport]]
# [[Cell signaling]]
# [[Cellular respiration]]
## [[Glycolysis]]
# [[DNA replication]]
# [[Fermentation]]
# [[Programmed cell death]]
# [[Stem cell]]
# [[Transcription (biology)|Transcription]]
# [[Translation (biology)]]
{{Col-break}}

Cellular division (5 articles)
# [[Cell cycle]]
# [[Fission (biology)|Fission]]
# [[Meiosis]]
# [[Mitosis]]
# [[Plasmid]]

Cell parts (6 articles)
# '''[[Cell (biology)|Cell]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Cell membrane]]
# [[Cytoplasm]]
# [[Cytoskeleton]]
# [[Flagellum]]
# [[Symbiogenesis]]
{{Col-break}}

Organelles (10 articles)
# [[Organelle]]
# [[Cell nucleus]]
## [[Chromosome]]
# [[Centriole]]
# [[Endoplasmic reticulum]]
# [[Golgi apparatus]]
# [[Lysosome]]
# [[Mitochondrion]]
# [[Ribosome]]
# [[Vacuole]]

Plant cells (4 articles)
# [[Plant cell]]
# [[Cell wall]]
# [[Chloroplast]]
# [[Plastid]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Ecology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Ecology (17 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Ecology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Biodiversity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Biome]]
# [[Biosphere]]
# [[Competition (biology)]]
# [[Ecological niche]]
# '''[[Ecosystem]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Endangered species]]
# '''[[Extinction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Extremophile]]
# [[Habitat]]
# [[Invasive species]]
# [[Parasitism]]
# [[Population]]
# [[Sustainability]]
# [[Symbiosis]]
# [[Wildlife conservation]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Zoology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Zoology (18 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (4 articles)
# '''[[Zoology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Animal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Animal coloration]]
## [[Camouflage]]

Ethology (14 articles)
# [[Ethology]]
# '''[[Intelligence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sleep]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hibernation]]
# [[Animal locomotion]]
## [[Bipedalism]]
# [[Animal migration]]
# [[Carnivore]]
## [[Predation]]
## [[Scavenger]]
# [[Herbivore]]
## [[Grazing]]
# [[Instinct]]
# [[Sociality]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Organisms&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Organisms (871 articles)==

Animals (568 articles)

General classification (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Arthropod]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bilateria]]
# [[Chordate]]
## [[Craniate]]
## [[Vertebrate]]
# [[Gnathostomata]]
# [[Invertebrate]]
# [[Tetrapod]]

{{Div col end}}

Cnidarians (3 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Cnidaria]]
# [[Coral]]
# [[Jellyfish]]
{{Div col end}}

Echinoderms (4 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Echinoderm]]
# [[Sea cucumber]]
# [[Sea urchin]]
# [[Starfish]]
{{Div col end}}

Mollusks (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Mollusca]]
# [[Clam]]
## [[Mussel]]
## [[Oyster]]
## [[Scallop]]
# [[Octopus]]
# [[Squid]]
# [[Conch]]
# [[Slug]]
## [[Snail]]
{{Div col end}}

Porifera (1 article)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Sponge]]
{{Div col end}}

Arachnids (7 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Acari]]
# [[Arachnid]]
# [[Pseudoscorpion]]
# [[Scorpion]]
# [[Spider]]
## [[Tarantula]]
# [[Tick]]
{{Div col end}}

Crustaceans (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Crustacean]]
# ''[[Astacus astacus]]''
# [[Crab]]
# [[Decapoda]]
# [[Krill]]
# [[Lobster]]
# [[Malacostraca]]
# [[Ostracod]]
# [[Shrimp]]
# [[Woodlouse]]
{{Div col end}}

Insects (59 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Insect]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Pterygota]]
# [[Cockroach]]
# [[Earwig]]
# [[Flea]]
# [[Louse]]
## [[Body louse]]
# [[Mantis]]
# [[Phasmatodea]] &lt;!--(stick insects)--&gt;
# [[Termite]]
''Beetles (Coleoptera)'' (5 articles)
# [[Beetle]]
# [[Coccinellidae]]
# [[Dung beetle]]
# [[Firefly]]
# [[Weevil]]
''Flies (Diptera)'' (10 articles)
# [[Fly]]
# [[Drosophila melanogaster|Common fruit fly]]
# [[Black fly]]
# [[Botfly]]
# [[Crane fly]]
# [[Calliphoridae]]
# [[Horse-fly]]
# [[Housefly]]
# [[Mosquito]]
# [[Tsetse fly]]
''Hemiptera (true bugs)'' (7 articles)
# [[Hemiptera]]
# [[Cicada]]
# [[Bed bug]]
# [[Leafhopper]]
# [[Aphid]] &lt;!--(plant lice)--&gt;
# [[Scale insect]]
# [[Whitefly]]

Hymenoptera (10 articles)
# [[Hymenoptera]]
# [[Ant]]
## [[Fire ant]]
## [[Carpenter ant]]
# [[Bee]]
## [[Bumblebee]]
## [[Africanized bee]]
## [[Western honey bee]]
# [[Wasp]]
## [[Hornet]]

Lepidoptera (8 articles)
# [[Lepidoptera]]
# [[Butterfly]]
# ''[[Bombyx mori]]'' &lt;!--(domesticated silkmoth)--&gt;
# [[Geometer moth]]
# ''[[Lymantria dispar dispar]]''
# [[Moth]]
# ''[[Pieris brassicae]]''
# [[Swallowtail butterfly]]

Odonata (3 articles)
# [[Odonata]]
# [[Damselfly]]
# [[Dragonfly]]

Orthoptera (6 articles)
# [[Orthoptera]]
# [[Cricket (insect)]]
# [[Grasshopper]]
# [[Mole cricket]]
# [[Locust]]
# [[Tettigoniidae]]
{{Div col end}}

Arthropoda, others (9 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Trilobite]]

Hexapoda (2 articles)
# [[Hexapoda]]
# [[Springtail]]

Myriapoda (3 articles)
# [[Myriapoda]]
## [[Centipede]]
## [[Millipede]]

Chelicerata (3 articles)
# [[Chelicerata]]
# [[Eurypterid]]
# [[Xiphosura]]
{{Div col end}}

Invertebrata, others (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Ecdysozoa (3 articles)
# [[Nematode]]
## ''[[Caenorhabditis elegans]]''
# [[Tardigrade]]

Lophotrochozoa (5 articles)
# [[Annelid]]
## [[Earthworm]]
## [[Leech]]
## [[Polychaete]]
# [[Bryozoa]]

Platyzoa (2 articles)
# [[Flatworm]]
## [[Cestoda]]
{{Div col end}}

Agnatha (4 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Agnatha]]
# [[Hagfish]]
# [[Lamprey]]
# [[Ostracoderm]]
{{Div col end}}

Fishes (88 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Fish]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Coral reef fish]]
# [[Deep sea fish]]
# [[Chondrichthyes]] &lt;!--(cartilaginous fishes)--&gt;
# [[Acanthodii]] &lt;!--(&quot;spiny sharks&quot;)--&gt;
# [[Osteichthyes]] &lt;!--(bony fish)--&gt;
## [[Actinopterygii]] &lt;!--(ray-finned fish)--&gt;
## [[Sarcopterygii]] &lt;!--(lobe-finned fish)--&gt;
### [[Coelacanth]]
### [[Lungfish]]
# [[Placodermi]]
# [[Anglerfish]]
# [[Arapaima]]
# [[Chimaera]]
# [[Eel]]
# [[Electric eel]]
# [[Flying fish]]
# [[Milkfish]]
# [[Northern pike]]
# [[Oarfish]]
# [[Mullet (fish)|Mullet]]
# [[Ophidiiformes]]
# [[Scorpaeniformes]]
# [[Stickleback]]

Batoidea (6 articles)
# [[Batoidea]]
# [[Stingray]]
# [[Manta ray]]
# [[Skate (fish)|Skate]]
# [[Sawfish]]
# [[Electric ray]]

Characiformes (3 articles)
# [[Characiformes]]
# [[Characidae]]
# [[Piranha]]

Chondrosteans (2 articles)
# [[Bichir]]
# [[Sturgeon]]

Clupeiformes (5 articles)
# [[Anchovy]]
# [[Herring]]
# [[Ilish]]
# [[Sardine]]
# [[Sprat]]

Cypriniformes (5 articles)
# [[Cypriniformes]]
# [[Cyprinidae]]
## [[Carp]]
## [[Goldfish]]
## [[Koi]]

Cyprinodontiformes (2 articles)
# [[Cyprinodontiformes]] &lt;!--(toothcarps)--&gt;
# [[Guppy]]

Gadiformes (3 articles)
# [[Alaska pollock]]
# [[Cod]]
# [[Haddock]]

Osmeriformes (2 articles)
# [[Galaxiidae]]
# [[Smelt (fish)|Smelt]]

Perciformes (17 articles)
# [[Perciformes]]
# [[Barracuda]]
# [[Cichlid]]
## [[Tilapia]]
# [[Goby]]
# [[Mackerel]]
# [[Marlin]]
# [[Mahi-mahi]]
# [[Serranidae]]
## [[European bass]]
## [[Grouper]]
# [[Siamese fighting fish]]
# [[Swordfish]]
# [[Perch]]
# [[Remora]]
# [[Tuna]]
# [[Wrasse]]

Pleuronectiformes (5 articles)
# [[Flatfish]]
# [[Flounder]]
# [[Halibut]]
# [[Plaice]]
# [[Turbot]]

Salmoniformes (3 articles)
# [[Salmonidae]]
# [[Salmon]]
# [[Trout]]

Sharks (6 articles)
# [[Shark]]
# [[Great white shark]]
# [[Hammerhead shark]]
# [[Tiger shark]]
# [[Nurse shark]]
# [[Whale shark]]

Siluriformes (2 articles)
# [[Catfish]]
# [[Loricariidae]]

Syngnathiformes (1 article)
# [[Seahorse]]

Tetraodontiformes (2 articles)
# [[Ocean sunfish]]
# [[Tetraodontidae]] &lt;!--(pufferfish)--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Amphibians (10 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Amphibian]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[American bullfrog]]
# [[Caecilian]]
# [[Frog]]
# [[Hylidae]]
# [[Leptodactylidae]]
# [[Newt]]
# [[Salamander]]
# [[Toad]]
# [[True frog]]
{{Div col end}}

Reptiles (47 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Reptile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Crocodilia]]
## [[Alligator]]
## [[Caiman]]
## [[Crocodile]]
# [[Lizard]]
## [[Chameleon]]
## [[Gecko]]
## [[Gila monster]]
## [[Green iguana]]
## [[Horned lizard]]
## [[Komodo dragon]]
## [[Skink]]
# [[Snake]]
## ''[[Agkistrodon contortrix]]'' &lt;!--Copperhead--&gt;
## ''[[Agkistrodon piscivorus]]'' &lt;!--Cottonmouth--&gt;
## [[Boidae]]
## [[Cobra]]
## [[Coral snake]]
## [[Garter snake]]
## [[Sea snake]]
## [[Mamba]]
## [[Rattlesnake]]
## ''[[Vipera berus]]''
# [[Tuatara]]
# [[Turtle]]
## [[Alligator snapping turtle]]
## [[Box turtle]]
## [[Common snapping turtle]]
## [[Painted turtle]]
## [[Red-eared slider]]
## [[Sea turtle]]
## [[Tortoise]]
### [[Galápagos tortoise]]

Dinosaurs and prehistoric reptiles (13 articles)
# '''[[Dinosaur]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Allosaurus]]''
## ''[[Apatosaurus]]'' 
## ''[[Diplodocus]]''
## ''[[Iguanodon]]''
## ''[[Stegosaurus]]''
## ''[[Triceratops]]''
## ''[[Tyrannosaurus]]''
## ''[[Velociraptor]]''
# [[Plesiosauria]]
# [[Pterosaur]]
# [[Synapsid]]
## ''[[Dimetrodon]]''
{{Div col end}}

Birds (118 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

General articles (5 articles)
# '''[[Bird]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seabird]]
# [[Bird of prey]]
# [[Palaeognathae]]
# ''[[Archaeopteryx]]''

Accipitriformes and Falconiformes (9 articles)
# ''[[Accipiter]]''
# [[Eagle]]
## [[Golden eagle]]
# [[Falcon]]
## [[Peregrine falcon]]
# [[New World vulture]]
# [[Old World vulture]]
# [[Osprey]]
# [[Secretarybird]]

Anseriformes (4 articles)
# [[Duck]]
## [[Mallard]]
# [[Goose]]
# [[Swan]]

Apodiformes (2 articles)
# [[Hummingbird]]
# [[Swift]]

Caprimulgiformes (2 articles)
# [[Caprimulgiformes]]
# [[Nightjar]]

Charadriiformes (4 articles)
# [[Auk]]
# [[Gull]]
# [[Sandpiper]]
# [[Tern]]

Ciconiiformes (4 articles)
# [[Heron]]
# [[Ibis]]
# [[Shoebill]]
# [[Stork]]

Columbiformes (4 articles)
# [[Columbidae]]
## [[Dodo]]
## [[Passenger pigeon]]
## [[Rock dove]]

Coraciiformes (3 articles)
# [[River kingfisher]]
# [[Hornbill]]
# [[Hoopoe]]

Cuculiformes (3 articles)
# [[Cuckoo]]
# [[Hoatzin]]
# [[Turaco]]

Galliformes (8 articles)
# [[Galliformes]]
# [[Chicken]]
# [[Grouse]]
# [[Guineafowl]]
# [[Peafowl]]
# [[Common pheasant]]
# [[Common quail]]
# [[Domestic turkey]]

Gaviiformes (1 article)
# [[Loon]]

Gruiformes (4 articles)
# [[Gruiformes]]
# [[Crane (bird)]]
# [[Bustard]]
# [[Rail (bird)|Rail]]

Passerines (2 articles)
# [[Passerine]]
# [[Songbird]]
Corvoidea (8 articles)
# [[Bird-of-paradise]]
# [[Corvidae]]
## ''[[Corvus]]''
### [[Common raven]]
## [[Eurasian magpie]]
# [[Honeyeater]]
# [[Lyrebird]]
# [[Shrike]]
Passerida (23 articles)
# [[Bulbul]]
# [[Cardinal (bird)|Cardinal]]
# [[Bunting (bird)|Bunting]]
# [[Finch]]
# [[Icterid]]
# [[Lark]]
# [[Mockingbird]]
# [[New World warbler]]
# [[Old World flycatcher]]
## [[European robin]]
## [[Common nightingale]]
# [[Ploceidae]]
# [[Old World sparrow]]
## [[House sparrow]]
# [[Starling]]
## [[Common myna]]
## [[Common starling]]
# [[Sunbird]]
# [[Swallow]]
# [[Tit (bird)|Tit]]
# [[Thrush (bird)|Thrush]]
## [[American robin]]
# [[Wren]]

Tyranni (3 articles)
# [[Antbird]]
# [[Ovenbird (family)]]
# [[Tyrant flycatcher]]

Pelecaniformes (5 articles)
# [[Cormorant]]
# [[Darter]]
# [[Frigatebird]]
# [[Pelican]]
# [[Sulidae]]

Phoenicopteriformes (1 article)
# [[Flamingo]]

Piciformes (3 articles)
# [[Honeyguide]]
# [[Toucan]]
# [[Woodpecker]]

Procellariiformes (3 articles)
# [[Procellariiformes]]
# [[Albatross]]
# [[Procellariidae]]

Psittaciformes (4 articles)
# [[Parrot]]
# [[Ara (genus)|''Ara'']]
# [[Budgerigar]]
# [[Cockatoo]]

Ratites (6 articles)
# [[Cassowary]]
# [[Emu]]
# [[Kiwi (bird)|Kiwi]]
# [[Moa]]
# [[Common ostrich]]
# [[Rhea (bird)|''Rhea'']]

Sphenisciformes (1 article)
# [[Penguin]]

Strigiformes (3 articles)
# [[Owl]]
## [[Eurasian eagle-owl]]
## [[Barn owl]]

Tinamiformes (1 article)
# [[Tinamou]]

Trogoniformes (2 articles)
# [[Trogon]]
# [[Resplendent quetzal]]
{{Div col end}}

Mammals (160 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Mammal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aardvark]]
# [[Armadillo]]
# [[Hyrax]]
# [[Pangolin]]
# [[Sirenia]]

Bats (5 articles)
# [[Bat]]
# [[Megabat]]
# [[Microbat]]
# ''[[Pteropus]]''
# [[Vampire bat]]

Carnivora (35 articles)
# [[Carnivora]]
# [[Bear]]
## [[Brown bear]]
## [[Giant panda]]
## [[Polar bear]]
# [[Canidae]]
## '''[[Dog]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fox]]
## [[Coyote]]
## [[Wolf]]
## [[Jackal]]
# [[Felidae]]
## '''[[Cat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cheetah]]
## [[Cougar]]
## [[Jaguar]]
## [[Leopard]]
## [[Lion]]
## [[Lynx]]
## ''[[Smilodon]]''
## [[Snow leopard]]
## [[Tiger]]
# [[Hyena]]
# [[Mongoose]]
# [[Mustelidae]]
## [[European badger]]
## [[Honey badger]]
## [[Marten]]
## [[Otter]]
## [[Sea otter]]
## [[Stoat]]
## [[Weasel]]
## [[Wolverine]]
# [[Procyonidae]]
# [[Skunk]]

Cetaceans (8 articles)
# [[Cetacea]]
# [[Whale]]
# [[Blue whale]]
# [[Dolphin]]
# [[Humpback whale]]
# [[Killer whale]]
# [[Porpoise]]
# [[Sperm whale]]

Erinaceids (1 article)
# [[Hedgehog]]

Even-toed ungulates (36 articles)
# [[Even-toed ungulate]]
# [[Alpaca]]
# [[Wild boar]]
# [[Bovidae]]
## [[African buffalo]]
## [[American bison]]
## [[Antelope]]
## [[Aurochs]]
## [[Capra (genus)|''Capra'']]
## '''[[Cattle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gazelle]]
## [[Gaur]]
## [[Goat]]
## [[Impala]]
## [[Muskox]]
## [[Sheep]]
## [[Water buffalo]]
## [[Wildebeest]]
## [[European bison]]
## [[Domestic yak]]
# [[Camel]]
## [[Bactrian camel]]
## [[Dromedary]]
# [[Deer]]
## [[Elk]]
## [[Moose]]
## [[Red deer]]
## [[Reindeer]]
# [[Llama]]
# [[Giraffe]]
# [[Guanaco]]
# [[Hippopotamus]]
# [[Peccary]]
# [[Domestic pig]]
# [[Pronghorn]]
# [[Vicuña]]

Lagomorphs (3 articles)
# [[Lagomorpha]]
# [[Hare]]
# [[Rabbit]]

Marsupials (8 articles)
# [[Marsupial]]
# [[Diprotodontia]]
## [[Kangaroo]]
## [[Koala]]
# [[Dasyuromorphia]]
## [[Tasmanian devil]]
# [[Opossum]]
# [[Peramelemorphia]]

Monotremes (3 articles)
# [[Monotreme]]
# [[Echidna]]
# [[Platypus]]

Odd-toed ungulates (7 articles)
# [[Odd-toed ungulate]]
# [[Donkey]]
# [[Equidae]]
# '''[[Horse]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Rhinoceros]]
# [[Tapir]]
# [[Zebra]]

Pilosa (2 articles)
# [[Anteater]]
# [[Sloth]]

Pinnipeds (4 articles)
# [[Pinniped]]
# [[Eared seal]]
# [[Earless seal]]
# [[Walrus]]

Primates (22 articles)
# '''[[Primate]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Monkey]]
# [[Ape]]
## [[Pan (genus)]]
### [[Chimpanzee]]
### [[Bonobo]]
## [[Gibbon]]
## [[Gorilla]]
## [[Orangutan]]
## [[Human]] ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# [[New World monkey]]
## [[Capuchin monkey]]
## [[Spider monkey]]
# [[Old World monkey]]
## [[Baboon]]
## [[Macaque]]
## [[Rhesus macaque]]
# [[Strepsirrhini]]
## [[Slow loris]]
## [[Galago]]
## [[Lemur]]
# [[Tarsier]]

Proboscidea (3 articles)
# [[Proboscidea]]
# [[Elephant]]
# [[Mammoth]]

Rodents (15 articles)
# '''[[Rodent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Capybara]]
# [[Coypu]]
# [[Beaver]]
# [[Dormouse]]
# [[Guinea pig]]
# [[Hamster]]
# [[Marmot]]
# [[Mouse]]
# [[Muridae]]
# [[Muskrat]]
# [[Porcupine]]
# [[Rat]]
## [[Brown rat]]
# [[Squirrel]]

Soricomorpha (2 articles)
# [[Shrew]]
## [[Mole (animal)]]
{{Div col end}}

Animal breeds and hybrids (20 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Cats (2 articles)
# [[Siamese cat]]
# [[Domestic short-haired cat]]

Cattle (3 articles)
# [[Brahman cattle]]
# [[Hereford cattle]]
# [[Holstein Friesian cattle]]

Dogs (8 articles)
# [[Beagle]]
# [[Dachshund]]
# [[Great Dane]]
# [[Greyhound]]
# [[Retriever]]
# [[German Shepherd]]
# [[Shih Tzu]]
# [[Terrier]]

Horses (5 articles)
# [[Arabian horse]]
# [[Andalusian horse]]
# [[Friesian horse]]
# [[Thoroughbred]]
# [[Pony]]

Hybrids (1 article)
# [[Mule]]

Sheep (1 article)
# [[Merino]]
{{Div col end}}

Plants (259 articles)

Non-flowering plants (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Green algae (3 articles)
# [[Green algae]]
# [[Charophyta]]
# [[Chlorophyta]]

Bryophytes (5 articles)
# [[Bryophyte]]
# [[Hornwort]]
# [[Marchantiophyta]]
# [[Moss]]
## ''[[Sphagnum]]'' &lt;!--(peat moss)--&gt;

Pteridophytes (4 articles)
# [[Pteridophyte]]
# [[Fern]]
## ''[[Equisetum]]'' &lt;!--(horsetail)--&gt;
# [[Lycophyte]] &lt;!--(club mosses)--&gt;

Gymnosperms (13 articles)
# [[Gymnosperm]]
# [[Cycad]]
# ''[[Ginkgo biloba]]''
''Pinophyta (conifers)'' (10 articles)
# [[Pinophyta]]
# ''[[Cedrus]]'' &lt;!--(cedar)--&gt;
# ''[[Cupressus]]'' &lt;!--(cypress)--&gt;
# [[Douglas fir]]
# [[Fir]]
# [[Juniper]]
# [[Pine]]
# ''[[Podocarpus]]''
# [[Sequoioideae]] &lt;!--(redwoods)--&gt;
# [[Spruce]]
{{Div col end}}

Monocots (33 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Monocotyledon]]

Alismatales (3 articles)
# [[Araceae]]
## ''[[Anthurium]]''
## ''[[Philodendron]]''

Arecales (1 article)
# [[Arecaceae]] &lt;!--(Palm tree)--&gt;

Asparagales (10 articles)
# ''[[Agave]]''
# ''[[Aloe]]''
# ''[[Amaryllis]]''
# ''[[Gladiolus]]''
# [[Iridaceae]]
## [[Iris (plant)|''Iris'']]
# [[Lily of the valley]]
# [[Narcissus (plant)|Narcissus]]
# [[Orchidaceae]]
# ''[[Yucca]]''

Commelinales (1 article)
# ''[[Eichhornia crassipes]]''

Liliales (5 articles)
# ''[[Alstroemeria]]''
# ''[[Colchicum]]''
# [[Liliaceae]]
## ''[[Lilium]]''
## [[Tulip]]

Pandanales (1 article)
## ''[[Pandanus]]''

Poales (9 articles)
# [[Bromeliaceae]] &lt;!--(pineapple family)--&gt;
## [[Puya (plant)|''Puya'']]
## [[Spanish moss]]
# [[Cyperaceae]] &lt;!--(sedges)--&gt;
# ''[[Juncus]]'' &lt;!--(rushes)--&gt;
# [[Poaceae]] &lt;!--or Gramineae (grass family)--&gt;
## [[Bamboo]]
## [[Sugarcane]]
# ''[[Typha]]'' &lt;!--(cat-tail)--&gt;

Zingiberales (2 articles)
# [[Canna (plant)|''Canna'']]
# ''[[Heliconia]]''
{{Div col end}}

Non-monocots (68 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Eudicots]]
# [[Magnoliids]]

Apiales (2 articles)
# [[Apiaceae]]
# ''[[Hedera]]''

Asterales (11 articles)
# [[Asteraceae]] &lt;!--(Daisy family)--&gt;
## ''[[Bellis perennis]]'' &lt;!--(Daisy)--&gt;
## ''[[Chrysanthemum]]''
## ''[[Cirsium]]'' &lt;!--(Thistle)--&gt;
## ''[[Dahlia]]''
## [[Solidago]]
## ''[[Helianthus]]'' &lt;!--(Sunflower)--&gt;
## ''[[Sonchus]]'' &lt;!--(Sow thistle)--&gt;
## ''[[Tagetes]]'' &lt;!--(Marigold)--&gt;
## ''[[Taraxacum]]'' &lt;!--(Dandelion)--&gt;
# [[Campanulaceae]] &lt;!--(Bellflower family)--&gt;

Brassicales (2 articles)
# ''[[Arabidopsis thaliana]]'' &lt;!--(Thale cress)--&gt;
# ''[[Tropaeolum]]'' &lt;!--(Nasturtium)--&gt;

Caryophyllales (1 article)
# [[Cactus]]

Cornales (1 article)
# ''[[Cornus]]'' &lt;!--(Dogwood tree)--&gt;

Cucurbitales (1 article)
# [[Cucurbitaceae]]

Ericales (8 articles)
# ''[[Diospyros]]'' &lt;!--(Ebony/persimmons)--&gt;
# [[Ericaceae]] &lt;!--(Heath family)--&gt;
## ''[[Rhododendron]]''
### [[Azalea]]
# [[Theaceae]] &lt;!--(Tea family)--&gt;
## ''[[Camellia]]''
# ''[[Impatiens]]''
# [[Primulaceae]] &lt;!--(Primrose family)--&gt;

Fabales (2 articles)
# [[Fabaceae]] &lt;!--(Legume family)--&gt;
## ''[[Mimosa]]''

Fagales (5 articles)
# [[Alder]]
# [[Beech]]
# [[Birch]]
# [[Hickory]]
# [[Oak]]

Gentianales (3 articles)
# [[Apocynaceae]] &lt;!--(Dogbane family)--&gt;
# ''[[Gardenia]]''
# [[Rubiaceae]]

Lamiales (6 articles)
# [[Lamiaceae]] &lt;!--or Labiatae (Mint family)--&gt;
# [[Oleaceae]] &lt;!--(Olive family)--&gt;
## ''[[Fraxinus]]'' &lt;!--(Ash tree)--&gt;
# ''[[Salvia]]'' &lt;!--(Sage)--&gt;
# [[Sesame]]
# ''[[Verbena]]''

Malpighiales (6 articles)
# [[Euphorbiaceae]] &lt;!--(Spurge family)--&gt;
# [[Flax]]
# ''[[Hypericum]]'' &lt;!--(St. John's Wort)--&gt;
# [[Poinsettia]]
# [[Viola (plant)|''Viola'']] &lt;!--(Violet)--&gt;
# [[Willow]]

Malvales (2 articles)
# [[Malvaceae]] &lt;!--(Mallow family)--&gt;
## ''[[Adansonia]]'' &lt;!--(Baobab)--&gt;

Myrtales (4 articles)
# [[Henna]]
# [[Melastomataceae]] &lt;!--(Melastome family)--&gt;
# [[Myrtaceae]] &lt;!--(Myrtle family)--&gt;
## ''[[Eucalyptus]]''

Proteales (3 articles)
# [[Proteaceae]] &lt;!--(Protea family)--&gt;
# ''[[Nelumbo]]'' &lt;!--(Lotus)--&gt;
# ''[[Platanus]]'' &lt;!--(Sycamore/plane tree)--&gt;

Rosales (6 articles)
# ''[[Cannabis]]''
# [[Elm]]
# [[Moraceae]] &lt;!--(Mulberry family)--&gt;
## ''[[Ficus sycomorus]]'' &lt;!--(Sycomore fig)--&gt;
# [[Rosaceae]] &lt;!--(Rose family)--&gt;
## [[Rose]]

Sapindales (2 articles)
# [[Mahogany]]
# [[Maple]]

Solanales (1 article)
# [[Convolvulaceae]] &lt;!--(Morning glory family)--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Edible fruits (50 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Culinary fruits (38 articles)
# [[Apple]]
# [[Apricot]]
# [[Avocado]]
# [[Banana]]
# [[Blackberry]]
# [[Blackcurrant]]
# [[Blueberry]]
# [[Cherry]]
# ''[[Citrus]]'' &lt;!-- fruits--&gt;
## [[Grapefruit]]
## [[Kumquat]]
## [[Lemon]]
## [[Lime (fruit)|Lime]]
## [[Orange (fruit)|Orange]]
## [[Mandarin orange]]
# [[Common fig]]
# [[Cranberry]]
# [[Date palm]]
# [[Durian]]
# [[Grape]]
# [[Guava]]
# [[Jackfruit]]
# [[Kiwifruit]]
# [[Lychee]]
# [[Mango]]
# [[Morus (plant)|''Morus'']] &lt;!--(Mulberry)--&gt;
# [[Muskmelon]]
# [[Olive]]
# [[Papaya]]
# [[Peach]]
# [[Pear]]
# [[Pineapple]]
# [[Plum]]
# [[Pomegranate]]
# [[Raspberry]]
# [[Strawberry]]
# [[Tamarind]]
# [[Watermelon]]

Botanical fruits used as culinary vegetables (12 articles)
# [[Bell pepper]]
# [[Breadfruit]]
# [[Chili pepper]]
# [[Cooking banana]]
# [[Cucumber]]
# ''[[Cucurbita]]'' &lt;!--(Squashes, pumpkins (zucchini)--&gt;
## [[Pumpkin]]
## [[Zucchini]]
# [[Eggplant]]
# [[Green bean]]
# [[Okra]]
# [[Tomato]]
{{Div col end}}

Edible seeds, grains, nuts (pulses) (30 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Grains (10 articles)
# [[Barley]]
# '''[[Maize]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Millet]]
# [[Oat]]
# '''[[Rice]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Oryza sativa]]''
# [[Rye]]
# ''[[Sorghum]]''
# '''[[Wheat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Common wheat]]

Pseudocereals (3 articles)
# [[Amaranth]]
# [[Buckwheat]]
# [[Quinoa]]

Nuts (8 articles)
# [[Almond]]
# [[Brazil nut]]
# [[Cashew]]
# [[Chestnut]]
# [[Hazelnut]]
# ''[[Macadamia]]''
# [[Pecan]]
# [[Walnut]]

Pulses (9 articles)
# [[Bean]]
## ''[[Vicia faba]]'' &lt;!--(Fava bean)--&gt;
## ''[[Lima bean]]'' &lt;!--(Lima bean)--&gt;
## '''[[Soybean]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## ''[[Phaseolus vulgaris]]'' &lt;!--(Pinto bean)--&gt;
# [[Chickpea]]
# [[Lentil]]
# [[Pea]]
# [[Peanut]]
{{Div col end}}

Vegetables (53 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Leafy vegetables (9 articles)
# ''[[Eruca vesicaria]]'' &lt;!--(Arugula)--&gt;
# [[Cabbage]]
# [[Chard]]
# [[Chinese cabbage]]
# [[Collard (plant)]]
# [[Kale]]
# [[Lettuce]]
# [[Rapeseed]]
# [[Spinach]]

Root vegetables (15 articles)
# [[Arrowroot]]
# [[Beetroot]]
# [[Carrot]]
# [[Cassava]]
# [[Daikon]]
# [[Onion]]
# [[Parsnip]]
# '''[[Potato]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Radish]]
# [[Rutabaga]]
# [[Sugar beet]]
# [[Sweet potato]]
# [[Taro]]
# [[Turnip]]
# [[Yam (vegetable)|Yam]]

Other vegetables (9 articles)
# [[Artichoke]]
# ''[[Asparagus]]''
# [[Broccoli]]
# [[Cauliflower]]
# [[Celery]]
# [[Chicory]]
# [[Coconut]]
# [[Kohlrabi]]
# [[Leek]]

Herbs and spices (20 articles)
# [[Anise]]
# [[Basil]]
# [[Black pepper]]
# [[Cardamom]]
# [[Cinnamon]]
# [[Clove]]
# [[Cumin]]
# [[Fennel]]
# [[Garlic]]
# [[Ginger]]
# [[Ginseng]]
# [[Horseradish]]
# ''[[Lavandula]]''
# [[Liquorice]]
# ''[[Mentha]]'' &lt;!--(Mint)--&gt;
# [[Nutmeg]]
# [[Parsley]]
# [[Saffron]]
# [[Thyme]]
# [[Vanilla]]
{{Div col end}}

Fungi (15 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Fungus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mushroom]]
# [[Yeast]]
## ''[[Saccharomyces cerevisiae]]''
# [[Ascomycota]]
# [[Basidiomycota]]
# [[Zygomycota]]

Edible fungi (6 articles)
# ''[[Agaricus]]''
# ''[[Boletus edulis]]''
# [[Chanterelle]]
# ''[[Pleurotus ostreatus]]''
# [[Shiitake]]
# [[Truffle]]

Poisonous fungi (2 articles)
# ''[[Amanita muscaria]]''
# ''[[Amanita phalloides]]'' &lt;!--(Death cap)--&gt;
{{Div col end}}

Other organisms (29 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Eukaryote]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Plankton]]
# [[Protist]]
# ''[[Paramecium]]''
# [[Prokaryote]]
## '''[[Archaea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Bacteria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cyanobacteria]]
### ''[[Escherichia coli]]'' &lt;!--(E. coli)--&gt;
### ''[[Salmonella]]''
### ''[[Staphylococcus aureus]]''
# [[Rhizaria]]
# [[Excavata]]
## [[Euglenozoa]]
# '''[[Algae]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Red algae]]
## [[Seaweed]]
# [[Chromalveolata]]
## [[Heterokont]]
### [[Brown algae]]
#### [[Kelp]]
### [[Diatom]]
## [[Haptophyte]]
## [[Cryptomonad]]
## [[Alveolate]]
### [[Dinoflagellate]]
# [[Lichen]]
# [[Amoebozoa]]
# [[Slime mold]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Health, medicine and disease&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Health, medicine and disease (276 articles)==

Health and fitness (25 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Health]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Mental health]]
# '''[[Nutrition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diet (nutrition)|Diet]]
## [[Dietary supplement]]
## [[Food group]]
## [[Hunger]]
## [[Malnutrition]]
## [[Vitamin]]
# '''[[Hygiene]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Bathing]]
## [[Feminine hygiene]]
## [[Oral hygiene]]
## [[Shaving]]
# [[Physical fitness]]
## [[Body mass index]] &lt;!--(BMI)--&gt;
## '''[[Exercise]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Obesity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Weight loss]]
# '''[[Ageing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Breastfeeding]]
# [[Fertilisation]]
## [[Infertility]]
# [[Occupational safety and health]]
# [[Stress (biology)]]
{{Div col end}}

Drugs and pharmacology (31 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Medication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Vaccine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Vaccination]]
### [[Smallpox vaccine]]
### [[Polio vaccine]]
## [[Prescription drug]]
## [[Amphetamine]]
## [[Analgesic]]
## '''[[Anesthesia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Antibiotic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Penicillin]]
## [[Aspirin]]
## [[Benzodiazepine]]
## [[Quinine]]
# '''[[Drug]]'''&lt;!-- for specific substances see chemical compounds --&gt;
## [[Alcohol (drug)]]
### [[Alcohol intoxication]]
## [[Tobacco]]
## [[Cannabis (drug)|Cannabis]]
## [[Opium]]
# [[Substance use disorder]]
## '''[[Addiction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Alcoholism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Smoking]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cigarette]]
## [[Substance dependence]]
# [[Pharmacology]]
## [[Pharmacokinetics]]
## [[Placebo]]
# [[Pharmacy]]
## [[Pharmacist]]
{{Div col end}}

Medicine (83 articles)
&lt;small&gt;See also &quot;Biology&quot; for e.g. anatomy&lt;/small&gt;
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General concepts (10 articles)
# '''[[Medicine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Emergency medical services]]
## [[First aid]]
## [[Health care]]
## [[Veterinary medicine]]
# '''[[Hospital]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Emergency department]]
## [[Psychiatric hospital]]
# [[Physician]]&lt;!--s and other professionals--&gt;
## [[Nursing]]

Human anatomy (13 articles)
# '''[[Human body]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Arm]]
## [[Face]]
## [[Foot]]
## [[Hand]]
### [[Finger]]
## [[Human brain]]
## [[Human eye]]
## [[Gastrointestinal tract]]
## [[Human leg]]
## [[Human skeleton]]
## [[Human tooth]]
## [[Human voice]]

Dentistry (6 articles)
# '''[[Dentistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dental restoration]]
## [[Dentures]]
## [[Root canal]]
## [[Toothache]]
## [[Tooth decay]]
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Fields of medicine (30 articles)
# [[Alternative medicine]]
## [[Acupuncture]]
## [[Chiropractic]]
## [[Herbal medicine]]
## [[Homeopathy]]
# [[Angiology]]
# [[Cardiology]]
# [[Dermatology]]
# [[Gastroenterology]]
# [[Geriatrics]]
# [[Hematology]]
## [[Blood type]]
# [[Immunology]]
# [[Neurology]]
# [[Obstetrics and gynaecology]]
# [[Oncology]]
# [[Ophthalmology]]
# [[Otorhinolaryngology]]
# [[Pediatrics]]
# [[Psychiatry]]
# [[Public health]]
## [[Epidemiology]]
## [[Preventive healthcare]]
# [[Pulmonology]]
# [[Radiology]]
# [[Reproductive health]]
# [[Toxicology]]
# [[Traditional medicine]]
## [[Ayurveda]]
# [[Urology]]
{{Col-break}}

Medical procedures (24 articles)
# '''[[Surgery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amputation]]
## [[Organ transplantation]]
## [[Plastic surgery]]
# [[Medical diagnosis]]
# [[Medical test]]
# [[Palliative care]]
# [[Physical examination]]
## [[Autopsy]]
## [[Biopsy]]
## [[Blood pressure]]
## [[Blood test]]
## [[Blood transfusion]]
## [[Eye examination]]
## [[Lumbar puncture]]
## [[Pap test]]
## [[Pulse]]
## [[Reflex]]
# [[Sterilization (medicine)|Sterilization]]
# [[Therapy]]
## [[Chemotherapy]]
## [[Physical therapy]]
## [[Radiation therapy]]
## [[Symptomatic treatment]]
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Morbidity (137 articles)
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Non-infectious disease (24 articles)
# '''[[Disease]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Acne]]
# '''[[Allergy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alzheimer's disease]]
# [[Anemia]]
# [[Arthritis]]
# '''[[Asthma]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Autoimmune disease]]
# [[Bronchitis]]
# '''[[Cardiovascular disease]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hypertension]]
## [[Myocardial infarction]]
# [[Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease]] &lt;!--(emphysema)--&gt;
# [[Cirrhosis]]
# [[Dementia]]
# '''[[Diabetes]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Diarrhea]]
# [[Epilepsy]]
# [[Gout]]
# [[Hepatitis]]
# [[Meningitis]]
# [[Migraine]]
# [[Multiple sclerosis]]
# [[Parkinson's disease]]

Injury (19 articles)
# '''[[Injury]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Blunt trauma]]
## [[Bone fracture]]
## [[Bruise]]
## [[Burn]]
## [[Frostbite]]
## [[Wound]]
# [[Major trauma]]
## [[Aneurysm]]
## [[Brain damage]]
### [[Concussion]]
## [[Bleeding]]
## [[Cardiac arrest]]
## [[Hypothermia]]
## [[Hypoxia (medical)|Hypoxia]]
## [[Inflammation]]
## [[Respiratory failure]]
## [[Shock (circulatory)|Shock]]
## '''[[Stroke]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Foodborne illness (4 articles)
# [[Foodborne illness]]
# [[Botulism]]
# [[Mushroom poisoning]]
# [[Typhoid fever]]
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Infectious disease (48 articles)
# '''[[Infection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pathogen]]
## '''[[Virus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Coronavirus]]
### [[Human papillomavirus infection]]
### [[HIV]] &lt;!--(AIDS virus)--&gt;
### [[Tobacco mosaic virus]]
## [[Prion]]
# [[Anthrax]]
# [[Bubonic plague]]
# [[Chickenpox]]
# [[Cholera]]
# '''[[Common cold]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Dengue fever]]
# [[Diphtheria]]
# [[Ebola]]
# [[Encephalitis]]
# [[Gangrene]]
# '''[[Gastroenteritis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dysentery]]
# [[Hand, foot, and mouth disease]]
# '''[[Influenza]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Leprosy]]
# [[Lyme disease]]
# '''[[Malaria]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Measles]]
# [[Mumps]]
# [[Mycosis]]
# '''[[Pneumonia]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Polio]]
# [[Rabies]]
# [[Scabies]]
# [[Scarlet fever]]
# [[Severe acute respiratory syndrome]]
# '''[[Sexually transmitted infection]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chlamydia]]
## [[Gonorrhea]]
## [[Herpes simplex]]
## '''[[HIV/AIDS]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Syphilis]]
# '''[[Smallpox]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tetanus]]
# [[Transmissible spongiform encephalopathy]]
# '''[[Tuberculosis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Typhus]]
# [[West Nile fever]]
# [[Whooping cough]]
# [[Yellow fever]]
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Disability (8 articles)
# [[Visual impairment]]
# [[Cerebral palsy]]
# [[Color blindness]]
# [[Down syndrome]]
# [[Dyslexia]]
# [[Hearing loss]]
# [[Intellectual disability]]
# [[Physical disability]]

Cancer (12 articles)
# '''[[Cancer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Brain tumor]]
# [[Carcinogen]]
# [[Breast cancer]]
# [[Colorectal cancer]]
# [[Leukemia]]
# [[Lung cancer]]
# [[Lymphoma]]
# [[Neoplasm]]
# [[Prostate cancer]]
# [[Skin cancer]]
## [[Melanoma]]

Mental disorder (17 articles)
# '''[[Mental disorder]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Anorexia nervosa]]
# [[Anxiety disorder]]
## [[Phobia]]
## [[Post-traumatic stress disorder]]&lt;!--(PTSD)--&gt;
# [[Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder]]
# [[Autism spectrum]]
# [[Bipolar disorder]]
# [[Major depressive disorder]]
# [[Neurosis]]
# [[Pedophilia]]
# [[Personality disorder]]
## [[Psychopathy]]
# [[Psychosis]]
## [[Delusion]]
## [[Hallucination]]
# [[Schizophrenia]]

Miscellaneous (5 articles)
# [[Coma]]
## [[Persistent vegetative state]]
# [[Poison]]
## [[Toxicity]]
# [[Syndrome]]
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=Physical sciences (1,098 articles)=

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (12 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
# '''[[Scientific method]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Nature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Experiment]]
# [[Field research]]
# [[Laboratory]]
# [[Observation]]
# [[Scientific law]]
# [[Research]]
# [[Scientific modelling]]
# [[Scientific theory]]
# [[Scientist]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Measurement&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Measurement (69 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;This list contains units of measurement and articles on metrology. For the measured quantities (see the Science and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics|Mathematics]] sections. For timekeeping and navigation (see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Everyday_life|Everyday Life]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology|Technology]] sections. For measurement errors (see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics#Probability_and_statistics_.2841_articles.29|Statistics]] section in Mathematics.&lt;/small&gt;
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General (6 articles)
# '''[[Measurement]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Accuracy and precision]]
# [[Metrology]]
# [[Unit of measurement]]
## [[Natural units]]
### [[Planck units]]
{{Col-break}}

Measurement systems (4 articles)
# [[Metric system]]
## '''[[International System of Units]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[United States customary units]]
# [[Imperial units]]
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Units of measurement (59 articles)
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Time (7 articles)
# [[Second]]
# [[Minute]]
# [[Hour]]
# '''[[Day]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Week]]
# [[Month]]
# '''[[Year]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Dimensional space (13 articles)
Length and distance (9 articles)
# [[Inch]]
# [[Foot (unit)|Foot]]
# [[Cubit]]
# [[Metre]]
# [[Mile]]
# [[Nautical mile]]
# [[Astronomical unit]]
# [[Light-year]]
# [[Parsec]]

Area (2 articles)
# [[Acre]]
# [[Hectare]]

Volume (2 articles)
# [[Gallon]]
# [[Litre]]
{{Col-break}}

Mechanics (12 articles)

Energy, force and pressure (6 articles)
# [[Standard atmosphere (unit)|Atmosphere]]
# [[Calorie]]
# [[Electronvolt]]
# [[Joule]]
# [[Newton (unit)|Newton]]
# [[Pascal (unit)|Pascal]]

Mass (5 articles)
# [[Dalton (unit)]]
# [[Kilogram]]
# [[Ton]]
# [[Pound (mass)|Pound]]
# [[Ounce]]

Velocity (1 article)
# [[Knot (unit)|Knot]]

Angle (3 articles)
# [[Degree (angle)|Degree]]
# [[Radian]]
# [[Steradian]]

Light (3 articles)
# [[Candela]]
# [[Lumen (unit)|Lumen]]
# [[Lux]]

Temperature (3 articles)
# [[Celsius]]
# [[Fahrenheit]]
# [[Kelvin]]
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Electromagnetism (11 articles)
# [[Ampere]]
# [[Farad]]
# [[Coulomb]]
# [[Henry (unit)|Henry]]
# [[Hertz]]
# [[Ohm]]
# [[Siemens (unit)|Siemens]]
# [[Tesla (unit)|Tesla]]
# [[Volt]]
# [[Watt]]
# [[Weber (unit)|Weber]]

Quantity (3 articles)

Amount of substance (1 article)
# [[Mole (unit)|Mole]]

Data (2 articles)
# [[Byte]]
# [[Bit]]

Radioactivity (3 articles)
# [[Becquerel]]
# [[Gray (unit)|Gray]]
# [[Sievert]]

Other (1 article)
# [[Decibel]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Astronomy&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Astronomy (194 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For astronomical instruments, see the [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Optical_technology_.2828_articles.29|Optical Technology]] section&lt;/small&gt;

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Basics (8 articles)
# '''[[Astronomy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Astronomical object]]
# [[Astrophysics]]
# [[Extraterrestrial life]]
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Observational astronomy (4 articles)
# [[Observatory]]
# [[Luminosity]]
# [[Magnitude (astronomy)|Magnitude]]
# [[Extinction (astronomy)|Extinction]]
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Astronomical objects (61 articles)
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Solar System (25 articles)
# '''[[Solar System]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Sun]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Mercury (planet)|Mercury]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Venus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## '''[[Moon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mars]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Asteroid belt]]
## [[Ceres (dwarf planet)|Ceres]]
# '''[[Jupiter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Io (moon)|Io]]
## [[Europa (moon)|Europa]]
## [[Ganymede (moon)|Ganymede]]
## [[Callisto (moon)|Callisto]]
# '''[[Saturn]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Enceladus]]
## [[Titan (moon)|Titan]]
# '''[[Uranus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Neptune]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Triton (moon)|Triton]]
# [[Kuiper belt]]
## [[Pluto]]
## [[Eris (dwarf planet)|Eris]]
# [[Oort cloud]]
# [[Interplanetary medium]]
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Notable stars (10 articles)
# [[Alpha Centauri]]
# [[Arcturus]]
# [[Betelgeuse]]
# [[Canopus]]
# [[Capella]]
# [[Polaris]]
# [[Procyon]]
# [[Rigel]]
# [[Sirius]]
# [[Vega]]

Notable galaxies (12 articles)
# [[Local Group]]
## '''[[Milky Way]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Galactic Center]]
#### [[Sagittarius A*]]
## [[Andromeda Galaxy]]
## [[Large Magellanic Cloud]]
## [[Small Magellanic Cloud]]
## [[Triangulum Galaxy]]
# [[Centaurus A]]
# [[Messier 87]]
# [[Pinwheel Galaxy]]
# [[Whirlpool Galaxy]]
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Notable nebulae (6 articles)
# [[Carina Nebula]]
# [[Crab Nebula]]
# [[Eagle Nebula]]
# [[Horsehead Nebula]]
# [[Orion Nebula]]
# [[Ring Nebula]]

Other notable objects (8 articles)
# [[3C 273]]
# [[Cygnus X-1]]
# [[Halley's Comet]]
# [[Hyades (star cluster)|Hyades]]
# [[Omega Centauri]]
# [[Pleiades]]
# [[Virgo Supercluster]]
## [[Virgo Cluster]]
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Celestial mechanics and astrometry (37 articles)
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Celestial mechanics (16 articles)
# [[Celestial mechanics]]
# '''[[Orbit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Barycenter]]
## [[Tidal locking]]
# [[Eclipse]]
## [[Lunar eclipse]]
## [[Solar eclipse]]
# [[Kepler's laws of planetary motion]]
# [[Lagrange point]]
# [[Night]]

Orbital mechanics (6 articles)
# [[Orbital mechanics]]
# [[Escape velocity]]
# [[Geostationary orbit]]
# [[Geosynchronous orbit]]
# [[Gravity assist]]
# [[Low Earth orbit]]
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Celestial sphere (8 articles)
# [[Celestial sphere]]
# [[Celestial coordinate system]]
## [[Equatorial coordinate system]]
# [[Equinox]]
# [[Ecliptic]]
# [[Horizon]]
# [[Solstice]]
# [[Zodiac]]

Constellations (8 articles)
# [[Constellation]]
## [[Canis Major]]
## [[Cassiopeia (constellation)|Cassiopeia]]
## [[Centaurus]]
## [[Crux]]
## [[Orion (constellation)|Orion]]
## [[Ursa Major]]
## [[Ursa Minor]]
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Astrometry (5 articles)
# [[Astrometry]]
# [[Albedo]]
# [[Cosmic distance ladder]]
# [[Parallax]]
# [[Photometry (astronomy)|Photometry]]
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Galactic astronomy and extragalactic astronomy (27 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
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Basics (15 articles)
# '''[[Outer space]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Galaxy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Black hole]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Event horizon]]
## [[Supermassive black hole]]
# [[Galaxy groups and clusters]]
## [[Supercluster]]
# [[Interstellar medium]]
# [[Nebula]]
# [[Dark nebula]]
# [[Molecular cloud]]
# [[Great Attractor]]
# [[H II region]]
# [[Void (astronomy)]]
# [[Cosmic ray]]
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Galaxy morphological classification (7 articles)
# [[Galaxy morphological classification]]
# [[Spiral galaxy]]
## [[Barred spiral galaxy]]
# [[Elliptical galaxy]]
# [[Lenticular galaxy]]
# [[Irregular galaxy]]
# [[Dwarf galaxy]]

Active galactic nucleus (5 articles)
# [[Active galactic nucleus]]
## [[Blazar]]
## [[Quasar]]
## [[Radio galaxy]]
## [[Seyfert galaxy]]
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Physical cosmology (16 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Physical cosmology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Universe]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Observable universe]]
## [[Chronology of the universe]]
### [[Ultimate fate of the universe]]
# '''[[Big Bang]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inflation (cosmology)]]
## [[Cosmic microwave background]]
# [[Galaxy formation and evolution]]
# [[Formation and evolution of the Solar System]]
## [[Nebular hypothesis]]
# [[Dark matter]]
# [[Dark energy]]
## [[Cosmological constant]]
# [[Redshift]]
## [[Hubble's law]]
{{Div col end}}

Planetary science (14 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Planet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Terrestrial planet]]
## [[Giant planet]]
## [[Exoplanet]]
# '''[[Natural satellite]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Comet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Minor planet]]
## '''[[Asteroid]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dwarf planet]]
## [[Meteoroid]]
# [[Atmosphere]]
# [[Meteor shower]]
# [[Impact event]]
# [[Ring system]]
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Stellar astronomy (31 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Star]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Variable star]]
## '''[[Supernova]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Gamma-ray burst]]
## [[Nova]]
## [[Pulsar]]
## [[Cepheid variable]]
# [[Star system]]
## [[Planetary system]]
## [[Binary star]]
## [[Star cluster]]
# [[Stellar classification]]
# [[Stellar evolution]]
## [[Star formation]]
### [[Starburst galaxy]]
## [[Planetary nebula]]
## [[Protostar]]
## [[Main sequence]]
## [[Giant star]]
### [[Red giant]]
## [[Supergiant star]]
## [[Wolf–Rayet star]]
## [[White dwarf]]
## [[Neutron star]]
# [[Stellar kinematics]]
# [[Stellar magnetic field]]
# [[Stellar structure]]
# [[Solar wind]]
# [[Metallicity]]
# [[Brown dwarf]]
# [[Hertzsprung–Russell diagram]]
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==&lt;span id=&quot;Chemistry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Chemistry (270 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For biochemistry and chemical biology see the [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/Biology and health sciences|Biology and health sciences]] section; for chemical industry see the [[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/4/Technology|Technology]] section&lt;/small&gt;
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General (23 articles)
# '''[[Chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Organic chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Inorganic chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Physical chemistry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Electrochemistry]]
## [[Electrolysis]]
# [[Environmental chemistry]]
# [[Medicinal chemistry]]
# [[Nuclear chemistry]]
## [[Nuclide]]
# [[Organometallic chemistry]]
# [[Phase diagram]]
# [[Photochemistry]]
# [[Polymer chemistry]]
## [[Polymer]]
# [[Quantum chemistry]]
# [[Materials science]]
# [[Alchemy]]
# [[Chemical substance]]
## [[Amount of substance]]
# [[Chemical synthesis]]
# [[Conservation of mass]]
# [[pH]]
{{Col-break|width=34%}}

Chemical reactions (14 articles)
# '''[[Chemical reaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Acid–base reaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Catalysis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chemical equation]]
## [[Chemical equilibrium]]
## [[Chemical formula]]
## [[Chemical kinetics]]
## [[Combustion]]
## [[Corrosion]]
### '''[[Redox]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Haber process]]
## [[Radical (chemistry)|Radical]]
## [[Reaction mechanism]]
## [[Substitution reaction]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Chemical bonds (8 articles)
# '''[[Chemical bond]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Molecule]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ionic bonding]]
## [[Covalent bond]]
## [[Metallic bonding]]
## [[Intermolecular force]]
### [[Hydrogen bond]]
## [[Valence bond theory]]

Separation processes (3 articles)
# [[Chromatography]]
# [[Distillation]]
# [[Filtration]]

Analytical chemistry (4 articles)
# [[Analytical chemistry]]
# [[Spectroscopy]]
## [[Absorption spectroscopy]]
# [[Mass spectrometry]]
{{Col-end}}

Chemical substances (218 articles)

Chemical elements (117 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (5 articles)
# '''[[Chemical element]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Periodic table]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Allotropy]]
# [[Atomic number]]
# [[Atomic mass]]

Chemical element groups (10 articles)
# '''[[Metal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Alkali metal]]
# [[Alkaline earth metal]]
# [[Lanthanide]]
# [[Actinide]]
# [[Transition metal]]
# [[Metalloid]]
# [[Halogen]]
# [[Noble gas]]
# [[Synthetic element]]

Chemical elements (102 articles)
&lt;!--  ;1-st period //--&gt;
# '''[[Hydrogen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Helium]]
&lt;!-- ;2-nd period //--&gt;
# [[Lithium]]
# [[Beryllium]]
# [[Boron]]
# '''[[Carbon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Diamond]]
## [[Graphite]]
## [[Carbon nanotube]]
# '''[[Nitrogen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Oxygen]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ozone]]
# [[Fluorine]]
# [[Neon]]
&lt;!-- ;3 period //--&gt;
# [[Sodium]]
# [[Magnesium]]
# '''[[Aluminium]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Silicon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Phosphorus]]
# [[Sulfur]]
# [[Chlorine]]
# [[Argon]]
&lt;!-- ;4 period //--&gt;
# [[Potassium]]
# [[Calcium]]
# [[Scandium]]
# [[Titanium]]
# [[Vanadium]]
# [[Chromium]]
# [[Manganese]]
# '''[[Iron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cobalt]]
# [[Nickel]]
# '''[[Copper]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Zinc]]
# [[Gallium]]
# [[Germanium]]
# [[Arsenic]]
# [[Selenium]]
# [[Bromine]]
# [[Krypton]]
&lt;!-- ;5 period //--&gt;
# [[Rubidium]]
# [[Strontium]]
# [[Yttrium]]
# [[Zirconium]]
# [[Niobium]]
# [[Molybdenum]]
# [[Technetium]]
# [[Ruthenium]]
# [[Rhodium]]
# [[Palladium]]
# '''[[Silver]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cadmium]]
# [[Indium]]
# [[Tin]]
# [[Antimony]]
# [[Tellurium]]
# [[Iodine]]
# [[Xenon]]
&lt;!-- ;6 period //--&gt;
# [[Caesium]]
# [[Barium]]
# [[Lanthanum]]
# [[Cerium]]
# [[Praseodymium]]
# [[Neodymium]]
# [[Promethium]]
# [[Samarium]]
# [[Europium]]
# [[Gadolinium]]
# [[Terbium]]
# [[Dysprosium]]
# [[Holmium]]
# [[Erbium]]
# [[Thulium]]
# [[Ytterbium]]
# [[Lutetium]]
# [[Hafnium]]
# [[Tantalum]]
# [[Tungsten]]
# [[Rhenium]]
# [[Osmium]]
# [[Iridium]]
# [[Platinum]]
# '''[[Gold]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mercury (element)]]
# [[Thallium]]
# [[Lead]]
# [[Bismuth]]
# [[Polonium]]
# [[Astatine]]
# [[Radon]]
&lt;!-- ;7 period //--&gt;
# [[Francium]]
# [[Radium]]
# [[Actinium]]
# [[Thorium]]
# [[Protactinium]]
# [[Uranium]]
# [[Neptunium]]
# [[Plutonium]]
# [[Americium]]
# [[Curium]]
# [[Berkelium]]
# [[Californium]]
{{Div col end}}

Chemical compounds (83 articles)

General (3 articles)
# '''[[Chemical compound]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inorganic compound]]
## [[Organic compound]]


Inorganic compounds (21 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Water]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Properties of water]]
## [[Ice]]
## [[Water vapor]]
# [[Acid]]
## [[Boric acid]]
## [[Hydrochloric acid]]
## [[Hydrofluoric acid]]
## [[Nitric acid]]
## [[Phosphoric acid]]
## [[Sulfuric acid]]
# [[Base (chemistry)|Base]]
## [[Ammonia]]
## [[Potassium hydroxide]]
## [[Sodium hydroxide]]
# [[Oxide]]
## '''[[Carbon dioxide]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Carbon monoxide]]
## [[Titanium dioxide]]
# [[Hydrogen peroxide]]
# [[Cyanide]]

Salts (19 articles)
# [[Salt (chemistry)]]
# [[Carbonate]]
## [[Calcium carbonate]]
## [[Sodium bicarbonate]]
## [[Sodium carbonate]]
# [[Chloride]]
## [[Calcium chloride]]
## [[Polyvinyl chloride]]
## [[Sodium chloride]]
# [[Nitrate]]
## [[Ammonium nitrate]]
## [[Potassium nitrate]]
## [[Sodium nitrate]]
# [[Sulfate]]
## [[Alum]]
## [[Sodium sulfate]]
## [[Ammonium sulfate]]
## [[Magnesium sulfate]]
# [[Sodium silicate]]
{{Div col end}}


Organic compounds (6 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Haloalkane]]
# [[Organophosphorus compound]]
# [[Organosilicon]]
## [[Silicone]]
# [[Organosulfur compounds]]
## [[Thiol]]

Carbon–nitrogen bond (4 articles)
# [[Amide]]
## [[Urea]]
## [[Nylon]]
# [[Amine]]

Carbon–oxygen bond (16 articles)
# [[Alcohol]]
## [[Ethanol]]
## [[Methanol]]
# [[Aldehyde]]
## [[Formaldehyde]]
# [[Carboxylic acid]]
## [[Acetic acid]]
## [[Citric acid]]
## [[Lactic acid]]
# [[Ester]]
## [[Polyester]]
# [[Ether]]
# [[Ketone]]
## [[Acetone]]
# [[Phenol]]
## [[Tannin]]

Hydrocarbons (14 articles)
# [[Hydrocarbon]]
# [[Alkane]]
## [[Butane]]
## [[Ethane]]
## [[Methane]]
## [[Propane]]
# [[Alkene]]
## [[Ethylene]]
### [[Polyethylene]]
## [[Propene]]
### [[Polypropylene]]
# [[Aromatic hydrocarbon]]
## [[Benzene]]
# [[Alkyne]]
{{Div col end}}

Chemical mixtures (18 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
General (12 articles)
# '''[[Alloy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mixture]]
# [[Aerosol]]
# [[Amalgam (chemistry)|Amalgam]]
# [[Colloid]]
# [[Dispersion (chemistry)|Dispersion]]
# [[Emulsion]]
# [[Foam]]
# [[Gel]]
# [[Solution]]
# [[Suspension (chemistry)|Suspension]]
# [[Syngas]]

Specific alloys (6 articles)
# [[Brass]]
# '''[[Bronze]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cast iron]]
# '''[[Steel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Stainless steel]]
# [[Wrought iron]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Earth science&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Earth science (260 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For specific geographical objects see Geography&lt;/small&gt;

Basics (2 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Earth science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Natural resource]]
{{Div col end}}

Natural disasters (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Natural disaster]]
# '''[[Earthquake]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Flood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Drought]]
# [[Avalanche]]
# [[Landslide]]
# [[Tsunami]]
# [[Wildfire]]
{{Div col end}}

Earth (163 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (1 article)
# '''[[Structure of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Geology (52 articles)
# '''[[Geology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Plate tectonics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Fold (geology)|Fold]]
# [[Stratigraphic unit]]
# [[Meteorite]]
## [[Impact crater]]
# [[Lithosphere]]
## [[Crust (geology)|Crust]]
## [[Fault (geology)|Fault]]
# [[Stratigraphy]]
# [[Thrust fault]]

Mineralogy (12 articles)
# '''[[Mineral]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mineralogy]]
# [[Gemstone]]
# [[Feldspar]]
# [[Kaolinite]]
# [[Pyroxene]]
# [[Quartz]]
# [[Silicate]]
# [[Talc]]
# [[Mica]]
# [[Gypsum]]
# [[Asbestos]]
Mineral gemstones (4 articles)
# [[Emerald]]
# [[Jade]]
# [[Sapphire]]
# [[Ruby]]
Organic gemstones (3 articles)
# [[Amber]]
# [[Ivory]]
# [[Pearl]]


Petrology (22 articles)
# [[Petrology]]
# '''[[Rock (geology)|Rock]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Igneous rock]]
## [[Basalt]]
## [[Granite]]
## [[Magma]]
## [[Tuff]]
# [[Sedimentary rock]]
## [[Limestone]]
## [[Clay]]
## [[Sand]]
## [[Oil shale]]
## [[Sandstone]]
## [[Bauxite]]
# [[Metamorphic rock]]
## [[Schist]]
## [[Marble]]
## [[Gneiss]]
## [[Slate]]
# [[Conglomerate (geology)|Conglomerate]]
# [[Breccia]]
# [[Gravel]]

Geophysics (7 articles)
# [[Geophysics]]
# [[Geodesy]]
# [[Earth's inner core]]
# [[Earth's magnetic field]]
# [[Earth's outer core]]
# [[Mantle (geology)|Mantle]]
# [[Seismology]]
{{Col-break}}

Geomorphology (50 articles)
# [[Geomorphology]]
# '''[[Erosion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Weathering]]

Landforms (11 articles)
# [[Landform]]
# '''[[Land]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Continent]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mountain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Mountain range]]
# [[Hill]]
# [[Valley]]
# [[Plateau]]
# [[Mesa]]
# [[Plain]]
# [[Sedimentary basin]]
Fluvial landforms (9 articles)
# [[Alluvial fan]]
# [[Beach]]
# [[Canyon]]
# [[Cliff]]
# [[Floodplain]]
# [[Meander]]
# [[Oasis]]
# [[Rapids]]
# [[Waterfall]]
Glacial landforms (3 articles)
# [[Glacial landform]]
# [[Fjord]]
# [[Moraine]]
Caves (2 articles)
# [[Cave]]
# [[Karst]]
Oceanic and coastal landforms (12 articles)
# [[Abyssal plain]]
# [[Archipelago]]
# [[Bay]]
# [[Coast]]
# [[Continental shelf]]
# [[Coral reef]]
## [[Atoll]]
# [[Lagoon]]
# [[Oceanic trench]]
# [[Peninsula]]
# '''[[Island]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Seamount]]
Volcanic landforms (5 articles)
# '''[[Volcano]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Geyser]]
# [[Hotspot (geology)|Hotspot]]
# [[Lava]]
# [[Mid-ocean ridge]]
Aeolian landforms (2 articles)
# [[Aeolian processes]]
# [[Dune]]
Artificial landforms (3 articles)
# [[Artificial island]]
# [[Land reclamation]]
# [[Polder]]
{{Col-break}}

Geological history (26 articles)
# '''[[History of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Geological history of Earth]]
# [[Geochronology]]
# [[Geologic time scale]]
# [[Great Oxidation Event]]
# [[Cambrian explosion]]
# [[Extinction event]]
## [[Ordovician–Silurian extinction events]]
## [[Late Devonian extinction]]
## [[Permian–Triassic extinction event]]
## [[Triassic–Jurassic extinction event]]
## [[Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event]]
# [[Ice age]]
# [[Pangaea]]

Geological periods (12 articles)
# [[Precambrian]]
# [[Phanerozoic]]
## [[Paleozoic]]
### [[Cambrian]]
### [[Permian]]
## [[Mesozoic]]
### [[Triassic]]
### [[Jurassic]]
### [[Cretaceous]]
## [[Cenozoic]]
### [[Quaternary]]
### [[Holocene]]

Biomes (20 articles)
# '''[[Desert]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tundra]]
# [[Heath]]
# [[Moorland]]

Forests (7 articles)
# '''[[Forest]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jungle]]
# [[Mangrove]]
# [[Taiga]]
# [[Rainforest]]
## [[Tropical rainforest]]
# [[Temperate broadleaf and mixed forests]]

Grasslands (5 articles)
# '''[[Grassland]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Meadow]]
# [[Prairie]]
# [[Savanna]]
# [[Steppe]]

Wetlands (4 articles)
# [[Wetland]]
# [[Swamp]]
# [[Marsh]]
# [[Bog]]

Pedology (7 articles)
# '''[[Soil]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Peat]]
# [[Pedogenesis]]
# [[Pedosphere]]
# [[Sediment]]
# [[Soil fertility]]
# [[Soil science]]
{{Col-end}}

Air (58 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Atmosphere (9 articles)
# '''[[Atmosphere of Earth]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Air mass]]
# [[Atmospheric pressure]]
# [[Atmospheric science]]
# [[Ozone depletion]]

Atmospheric optics (4 articles)
# [[Aurora]]
# [[Mirage]]
# [[Rainbow]]
# [[Sky]]

Climatology (8 articles)
# [[Climatology]]
# '''[[Climate]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Climate change]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Climate variability and change]]
# [[El Niño–Southern Oscillation]]
# [[Köppen climate classification]]
# [[Temperate climate]]
# [[Tropical climate]]
{{Col-break}}

Meteorology (41 articles)
General (6 articles)
# [[Meteorology]]
# '''[[Weather]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Weather front]]
# [[Weather forecasting]]
# [[Humidity]]
# [[Low-pressure area]]

Clouds (5 articles)
# '''[[Cloud]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cirrus cloud]]
# [[Cumulonimbus cloud]]
# [[Cumulus cloud]]
# [[Fog]]

Precipitation (7 articles)
# [[Precipitation]]
# '''[[Rain]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Snow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Acid rain]]
# [[Hail]]
# [[Dew]]
# [[Frost]]

Seasons (5 articles)
# '''[[Season]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Spring (season)]]
# [[Summer]]
# [[Autumn]]
# [[Winter]]
{{Col-break}}

Atmospheric circulation (7 articles)
# [[Atmospheric circulation]]
# [[Anticyclone]]
# [[Cyclone]]
# [[Extratropical cyclone]]
# [[Hadley cell]]
# [[Polar vortex]]
# [[Walker circulation]]

Storms (7 articles)
# [[Storm]]
# '''[[Tornado]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Tropical cyclone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Blizzard]]
# [[Dust storm]]
# [[Lightning]]
# [[Thunderstorm]]

Winds (4 articles)
# '''[[Wind]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Jet stream]]
# [[Monsoon]]
# [[Trade winds]]
{{Col-end}}

Water (29 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (2 articles)
# [[Hydrosphere]]
# [[Cryosphere]]

Glaciology (6 articles)
# '''[[Glacier]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Ice sheet]]
# [[Ice shelf]]
# [[Iceberg]]
# [[Sea ice]]
# [[Permafrost]]
{{Col-break}}

Oceanography (8 articles)
# [[Oceanography]]
# '''[[Sea]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Ocean]]
# [[Tide]]
# [[Sea level]]
# [[Seabed]]
# [[Ocean current]]
# [[Thermohaline circulation]]
{{Col-break}}

Hydrology (13 articles)
# [[Hydrology]]
# [[Water cycle]]
# [[Groundwater]]
## [[Spring (hydrology)]]
# [[Hydrography]]
# [[Limnology]]
# '''[[Lake]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dry lake]]
## [[Pond]]
# '''[[River]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Drainage basin]]
## [[Estuary]]
## [[River delta]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Physics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Physics (293 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}

Basics (23 articles)
# '''[[Physics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Atom]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Time]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Conservation of energy]]
# '''[[Matter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Space]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Vacuum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Force]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Electromagnetism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Gravity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Strong interaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Weak interaction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Spacetime]]
# [[Mass–energy equivalence]]
# [[Quantum gravity]]
# [[Radiation]]
## [[Ionizing radiation]]
# [[Field (physics)]]
## [[Flux]]
# [[Gauge theory]]
# [[Symmetry (physics)]]
# [[Theoretical physics]]
{{Div col end}}

Atomic, molecular and optical physics (23 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Atomic physics (13 articles)
# [[Atomic physics]]
# [[Atomic nucleus]]
# [[Atomic orbital]]
# [[Atomic theory]]
# [[Binding energy]]
# [[Bohr model]]
# [[Bremsstrahlung]]
# [[Electron configuration]]
# [[Electron shell]]
# [[Energy level]]
# [[Geiger–Marsden experiment]]
# [[Ion]]
# [[Isotope]]
{{Col-break}}

Molecular physics (2 articles)
# [[Molecular orbital]]
# [[Molecular orbital theory]]

Optics (8 articles)
# '''[[Optics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Focus (optics)|Focus]]
## [[Focal length]]
# [[Polarization (waves)|Polarization]]
# [[Reflection (physics)|Reflection]]
# [[Refraction]]
## [[Refractive index]]
# [[Transparency and translucency]]
{{Col-end}}

&lt;span id=&quot;Color&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Color (17 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (6 articles)
# '''[[Color]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[CMYK color model]]
# [[Color theory]]
## [[Primary color]]
# [[Gloss (optics)]]
# [[RGB color model]]
{{Col-break}}

Color terms (11 articles)
# [[White]]
# [[Black]]
# [[Grey]]
# [[Red]]
# [[Orange (colour)|Orange]]
# [[Yellow]]
# [[Green]]
# [[Blue]]
# [[Pink]]
# [[Purple]]
# [[Brown]]
{{Col-end}}

Condensed matter physics (25 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (3 articles)
# [[Condensed matter physics]]
# [[Solid-state physics]]
# [[Amorphous solid]]

Crystallography (3 articles)
# [[Crystallography]]
# [[Crystal]]
# [[Crystallization]]
{{Col-break}}

States of matter (8 articles)
# '''[[State of matter]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Solid]]
# [[Liquid]]
# [[Gas]]
## [[Vapor]]
# [[Plasma (physics)|Plasma]]
# [[Degenerate matter]]
# [[Bose–Einstein condensate]]
{{Col-break}}

Phase transitions (11 articles)
# [[Phase transition]]
# [[Phase (matter)|Phase]]
# [[Boiling]]
# [[Melting]]
# [[Freezing]]
# [[Evaporation]]
# [[Condensation]]
# [[Ionization]]
# [[Sublimation (phase transition)|Sublimation]]
# [[Critical point (thermodynamics)|Critical point]]
# [[Triple point]]
{{Col-end}}

Electromagnetism (45 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# '''[[Electricity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Magnetism]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Ferromagnetism]]
# [[Magnet]]
## [[Electromagnet]]
# [[Dielectric]]
# [[Dipole]]
# [[Metamaterial]]
# [[Oil drop experiment]]
# [[Photoelectric effect]]

Electrostatics (5 articles)
# [[Electrostatics]]
# [[Coulomb's law]]
# [[Electric charge]]
# [[Electric field]]
# [[Electric potential]]
{{Col-break}}

Electrodynamics (15 articles)
# '''[[Electromagnetic radiation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electromagnetic spectrum]]
## [[Radio wave]]
## [[Microwave]]
## [[Infrared]]
## [[Visible spectrum]]
## [[Ultraviolet]]
## [[X-ray]]
## [[Fluorescence]]
# [[Electromagnetic field]]
# [[Electromagnetic induction]]
# [[Electromotive force]]
# [[Lorentz force]]
# [[Eddy current]]
# [[Maxwell's equations]]
{{Col-break}}

Magnetism (2 articles)
# [[Magnetic field]]
# [[Magnetostatics]]

Electrical circuits (13 articles)
# [[Electric current]]
## [[Alternating current]]
## [[Direct current]]
# [[Electrical network]]
# [[Electrical impedance]]
# [[Electrical resistance and conductance]]
# [[Capacitance]]
## [[Ohm's law]]
# [[Semiconductor]]
# [[Superconductivity]]
# [[Gain (electronics)]]
# [[Inductance]]
# [[Kirchhoff's circuit laws]]
{{Col-end}}

Mechanics (77 articles)
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (10 articles)
# [[Mechanics]]
## [[Ballistics]]
## [[Continuum mechanics]]
## [[Dynamics (mechanics)|Dynamics]]
## [[Kinematics]]
## [[Relativistic mechanics]]
## [[Statics]]
# [[Oscillation]]
## [[Harmonic oscillator]]
### [[Simple harmonic motion]]

Quantum mechanics (11 articles)
# '''[[Quantum mechanics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Pauli exclusion principle]]
# [[Quantum chromodynamics]]
# [[Quantum electrodynamics]]
# [[Quantum entanglement]]
# [[Quantum field theory]]
# [[Quantum tunnelling]]
# [[Schrödinger equation]]
# [[Uncertainty principle]]
# [[Wave function]]
# [[Wave–particle duality]]
{{Col-break}}

Classical mechanics (29 articles)
# '''[[Classical mechanics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Hamiltonian mechanics]]
## [[Lagrangian mechanics]]
# '''[[Mass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Density]]
# '''[[Momentum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Motion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Newton's laws of motion]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Speed]]
## [[Acceleration]]
## [[Velocity]]
## [[Equations of motion]]
# [[Kinetic energy]]
# [[Potential energy]]
# [[Inertia]]
# [[Moment of inertia]]
# [[Friction]]
# [[Impulse (physics)|Impulse]]
# [[Power (physics)|Power]]
# [[Work (physics)|Work]]
# [[Rotation]]
## [[Angular momentum]]
## [[Centripetal force]]
## [[Coriolis force]]
# [[Torque]]
# [[Weight]]
## [[Weighing scale]]
# [[Frame of reference]]
# [[Newton's law of universal gravitation]]
{{Col-break}}

Fluid mechanics (16 articles)
# [[Fluid mechanics]]
# [[Fluid dynamics]]
## [[Aerodynamics]]
# [[Bernoulli's principle]]
# [[Buoyancy]]
# [[Convection]]
# [[Drag (physics)|Drag]]
# [[Diffusion]]
# [[Flight]]
# [[Lift (force)]]
# [[Navier–Stokes equations]]
# [[Osmosis]]
# [[Reynolds number]]
# [[Surface tension]]
# [[Turbulence]]
# [[Viscosity]]

Solid mechanics (10 articles)
# [[Solid mechanics]]
# [[Deformation (engineering)|Deformation]]
# [[Elastic modulus]]
# [[Elasticity (physics)|Elasticity]]
# [[Fatigue (material)|Fatigue]]
# [[Hooke's law]]
# [[Plasticity (physics)|Plasticity]]
# [[Stiffness]]
# [[Strength of materials]]
# [[Stress (mechanics)]]

Statistical mechanics (1 article)
# [[Statistical mechanics]]
{{Col-end}}

Nuclear physics (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# [[Nuclear physics]]
# [[Nuclear fission]]
# [[Nuclear fusion]]
# [[Nucleosynthesis]]
# '''[[Radioactive decay]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Alpha particle]]
## [[Beta particle]]
## [[Gamma ray]]
{{Div col end}}

Particle physics (35 articles)
{{col-begin}}
{{col-break}}
General (13 articles)
# '''[[Particle physics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Standard Model]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Physics beyond the Standard Model]]
## [[String theory]]
## [[Supersymmetry]]
# [[Particle]]
# [[Particle accelerator]]
## [[Large Hadron Collider]]
## [[Tevatron]]
# [[Particle detector]]
# [[Cloud chamber]]
# [[Scattering]]
# [[Spin (physics)|Spin]]
{{col-break}}

Subatomic particles (19 articles)
# '''[[Subatomic particle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Fermions (12 articles)
# [[Fermion]]
# [[Lepton]]
## '''[[Electron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Muon]]
## [[Tau (particle)|Tau]]
## [[Neutrino]]
# [[Quark]]
# [[Hadron]]
## [[Baryon]]
### '''[[Neutron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Proton]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Meson]]
{{col-break}}


Bosons (6 articles)
# [[Boson]]
# [[Gauge boson]]
## '''[[Photon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Gluon]]
## [[W and Z bosons]]
# [[Higgs boson]]

Antimatter (3 articles)
# [[Antimatter]]
# [[Antiparticle]]
## [[Positron]]
{{col-end}}

Theory of relativity (8 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Theory of relativity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[General relativity]]
# [[Special relativity]]
# [[Principle of relativity]]
# [[Equivalence principle]]
# [[Gravitational wave]]
# [[Lorentz transformation]]
# [[Michelson–Morley experiment]]
{{Div col end}}

Thermodynamics (15 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Thermodynamics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Heat]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Temperature]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Absolute zero]]
# [[Pressure]]
# [[Laws of thermodynamics]]
# [[Heat capacity]]
# [[Heat transfer]]
# [[Entropy]]
# [[Enthalpy]]
# [[Black-body radiation]]
# [[Internal energy]]
# [[Thermodynamic cycle]]
# [[Thermodynamic free energy]]
# [[Ideal gas law]]
{{Div col end}}

Waves (17 articles)
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Wave]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Speed of light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Acoustics]]
## '''[[Sound]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Speed of sound]]
## [[Ultrasound]]
# [[Amplitude]]
# [[Frequency]]
# [[Wavelength]]
# [[Diffraction]]
# [[Doppler effect]]
# [[Wave interference]]
# [[Noise]]
# [[Resonance]]
# [[Superposition principle]]
# [[Wave equation]]
{{Div col end}}
=Technology (745 articles)=
==Basics (1 article)==
# '''[[Technology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])

==&lt;span id=&quot;Agriculture&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Agriculture (34 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=30%}}
Basics (1 article)
# [[Agricultural science]]

Forms (12 articles)
# [[Aquaculture]]
# [[Beekeeping]]
# [[Dairy]]
# [[Extensive farming]]
# [[Gardening]]
# [[Intensive farming]]
# [[Orchard]]
# [[Organic farming]]
# [[Sustainable agriculture]]
## [[Permaculture]]
# [[Subsistence agriculture]]
# [[Urban agriculture]]
{{Col-break|width=38%}}

Buildings and infrastructure (6 articles)
# '''[[Garden]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Farm]]
# [[Barn]]
# [[Stable]]
# [[Silo]]
# [[Granary]]

Animal husbandry (6 articles)
# '''[[Animal husbandry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Domestication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Selective breeding]]
# [[Breed]]
# [[Livestock]]
# [[Hay]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Agronomy and horticulture (9 articles)
Basics (4 articles)
# [[Agronomy]]
# [[Horticulture]]
# [[Plant breeding]]
## [[Cultivar]]

Horticultural techniques (5 articles)
# '''[[Fertilizer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Harvest]]
# [[Irrigation]]
# [[Pesticide]]
# [[Tillage]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Biotechnology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Biotechnology (7 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=30em}}
# '''[[Biotechnology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Genetic engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Genetically modified organism]]
# [[Cybernetics]]
# [[Cloning]]
# [[Gel electrophoresis]]
# [[Polymerase chain reaction]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Computing and information technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Computing and information technology (75 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For topics in theoretical computer science, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Mathematics#Discrete_mathematics_.2836_articles.29|Mathematics: Discrete mathematics]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=34%}}
Basics (8 articles)
# [[Computing]]
# [[Information technology]]
# [[Abacus]]
# [[Calculator]]
# [[Computer security]]
## [[Computer virus]]
# [[Data (computing)|Data]]
## [[Data transmission]]

Computer science (5 articles)
# '''[[Computer science]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Artificial intelligence]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Computer architecture]]
# [[Computer simulation]]
# [[Parallel computing]]

Computer hardware (5 articles)
# [[Computer hardware]]
# '''[[Computer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Booting]]
# [[Central processing unit]]
# [[ENIAC]]

Computer software (6 articles)
# [[Software]]
# [[Database]]
# [[Open-source software]]
# [[Spreadsheet]]
# [[Web browser]]
# [[Word processor]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Operating systems (8 articles)
# [[Operating system]]
# [[Android (operating system)|Android]]
# [[iOS]]
# [[Linux]]
# [[Macintosh operating systems]]
# [[Microsoft Windows]]
# [[MS-DOS]]
# [[Unix]]

User interface (5 articles)
# [[User interface]]
# [[Computer keyboard]]
# [[Computer monitor]]
# [[Computer mouse|Mouse (computing)]]
# [[Touchscreen]]

Cryptography (3 articles)
# '''[[Cryptography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Authentication]]
# [[Encryption]]

Data storage (11 articles)
# [[Computer file]]
## [[File system]]
# [[Barcode]]
# [[Data storage]]
# [[Hard disk drive]]
# [[Magnetic tape]]
# [[Memory card]]
# [[Optical disc]]
# [[Random-access memory]]
## [[Dynamic random-access memory]]
# [[Read-only memory]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Networks (5 articles)
# [[Computer network]]
# [[Email]]
# [[Ethernet]]
# [[Router (computing)|Router]]
# [[Wi-Fi]]

Internet (7 articles)
# '''[[Internet]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[HTML]]
# [[Hypertext Transfer Protocol]]
# [[Internet protocol suite]]
# [[Web search engine]]
# [[Website]]
# [[World Wide Web]]

Programming (12 articles)
# [[Computer programming]]
# [[Character encoding]]
# [[Compiler]]
# [[Programming language]]
## [[Assembly language]]
## [[C (programming language)|C]]
## [[Java (programming language)]]
## [[JavaScript]]
# [[Programming paradigm]]
## [[Functional programming]]
## [[Structured programming]]
### [[Object-oriented programming]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Electronics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Electronics (33 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
Basics (8 articles)
# '''[[Electronics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Consumer electronics]]
# [[Sensor]]
# [[Signal processing]]
## [[Signal-to-noise ratio]]
# [[Circuit design]]
# [[Oscilloscope]]
# [[Remote control]]

Components (25 articles)
# '''[[Semiconductor device]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Transistor]]
## [[Diode]]
### [[Light-emitting diode]]
# '''[[Integrated circuit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Electric battery|Battery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Amplifier]]
# [[Antenna (radio)|Antenna]]
# [[Capacitor]]
# [[Cavity magnetron]]
# [[Electrical connector]]
# [[Filter (signal processing)|Filter]]
## [[Mechanical filter]]
# [[Inductor]]
# [[Power supply]]
# [[Printed circuit board]]
# [[Resistor]]
# [[Switch]]
## [[Circuit breaker]]
## [[Fuse (electrical)|Fuse]]
## [[Relay]]
# [[Transformer]]
# [[Vacuum tube]]
# [[Waveguide]]
# [[Wire]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Engineering&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Engineering (15 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
Basics (4 articles)
# '''[[Engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Nanotechnology]]
# [[Nuclear technology]]
# [[Technical drawing]]

Disciplines (11 articles)
# '''[[Civil engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Mechanical engineering]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aerospace engineering]]
# [[Architectural engineering]]
# [[Automotive engineering]]
# [[Biomedical engineering]]
# [[Chemical engineering]]
# [[Electrical engineering]]
# [[Industrial engineering]]
# [[Military engineering]]
# [[Software engineering]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Industry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Industry (101 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;''See also: &quot;Industry&quot; in [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Society_and_social_sciences#Business_and_economics_.28117_articles.29|Business and economics]]''&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=32%}}
Basics (12 articles)
# [[Factory]]
## [[Assembly line]]
## [[Automation]]
## [[Industrial robot]]
## [[Interchangeable parts]]
## [[Mass production]]
## [[Mechanization]]
# [[Standardization]]
# [[Waste]]
## [[Landfill]]
## [[Recycling]]
## [[Waste management]]

Energy and fuel (38 articles)
# '''[[Fire]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Candle]]
# [[Fuel]]
# [[Biofuel]]
## [[Charcoal]]
# '''[[Fossil fuel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Coal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Natural gas]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Petroleum]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Gasoline]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Kerosene]]
### [[Oil refinery]]
### [[Oil well]]
# '''[[Nuclear power]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Renewable energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Geothermal power]]
## '''[[Hydropower]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Hydroelectricity]]
### [[Watermill]]
## '''[[Solar energy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Solar power]]
### [[Solar cell]]
## '''[[Wind power]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Windmill]]
{{Col-break|width=36%}}

Electricity generation and distribution (14 articles)
&lt;small&gt;''See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences#Electromagnetism_.2811_articles.29|Electromagnetism]] and [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences#Electromagnetism_.2840_articles.29|Electromagnetism]]''&lt;/small&gt;

# '''[[Electric light]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Incandescent light bulb]]
# [[Electric power transmission]]
# [[Electric power distribution]]
# [[Electrical grid]]
# [[Electric generator]]
# [[Electricity generation]]
# [[Electrification]]
# [[Power station]]
# [[Turbine]]
## [[Gas turbine]]
## [[Steam turbine]]
## [[Wind turbine]]
# [[Cooling tower]]

Food, water and health (18 articles)
# [[Bleach]]
# [[Desalination]]
# [[Detergent]]
# [[Laundry]]
# [[Pasteurization]]
# '''[[Refrigeration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Sanitation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Sanitary sewer]]
## [[Sewage treatment]]
## [[Water purification]]
# [[Soap]]
# [[Water supply network]]
## [[Aqueduct (water supply)|Aqueduct]]
## [[Plumbing]]
## [[Qanat]]
## [[Pumping station]]
## [[Water tower]]
## [[Well]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Material and chemical (20 articles)
# [[Abrasive]]
# [[Adhesive]]
# [[Ceramic]]
# [[Chemical plant]]
# [[Composite material]]
# '''[[Explosive]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dynamite]]
## [[Fireworks]]
# '''[[Glass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Natural rubber]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Paper]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Parchment]]
# [[Papyrus]]
# [[Petrochemical]]
# '''[[Plastic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Pottery]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Porcelain]]
# '''[[Wood]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Woodworking]]
## [[Carpentry]]

Metallurgy (13 articles)
# '''[[Metallurgy]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Smelting]]
# [[Metalworking]]
## [[Die casting]]
## [[Extrusion]]
## [[Forging]]
## [[Heat treating]]
## [[Laser cutting]]
## [[Rolling (metalworking)|Rolling]]
## [[Soldering]]
## [[Steelmaking]]
## [[Welding]]
# [[Ore]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Infrastructure&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Infrastructure (70 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Arts: Architecture &lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=32%}}
Basics (2 articles)
# '''[[Infrastructure]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Building]]

Building materials (7 articles)
# '''[[Concrete]]''' ([[WP:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Masonry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Brick]]
## [[Quarry]]
# [[Cement]]
# [[Lumber]]
# [[Scaffolding]]

Infrastructure by type (61 articles)

Architectural elements (16 articles)
# [[Arch]]
# [[Ceiling]]
# [[Column]]
# [[Dome]]
# [[Door]]
# [[Elevator]]
# [[Façade]]
# [[Floor]]
# [[Foundation (engineering)|Foundation]]
# [[Ladder]]
# [[Lighting]]
# [[Roof]]
# [[Room]]
# [[Stairs]]
# [[Wall]]
# [[Window]]
{{Col-break|width=36%}}

Coastal infrastructure (5 articles)
# [[Dock (maritime)]]
# [[Harbor]]
# [[Lighthouse]]
# [[Pier]]
# [[Port]]

Ceremonial buildings (2 articles)
# [[Pagoda]]
# [[Pyramid]]

Commercial buildings (2 articles)
# [[Office]]
# [[Warehouse]]

Mixed-use buildings (3 articles)
# [[Tower]]
# [[High-rise building]]
# [[Skyscraper]]

Residential and housing units (9 articles)
# '''[[Home]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[House]]
## [[Apartment]]
## [[Hut]]
## [[Igloo]]
## [[Palace]]
## [[Tent]]
## [[Villa]]
# [[Hotel]]
{{Col-break|width=32%}}

Rooms and spaces (5 articles)
# [[Bathroom]]
# [[Bedroom]]
# [[Garage (residential)|Garage]]
# [[Kitchen]]
# [[Sauna]]

Other components (2 articles)
# [[Electrical wiring]]
# [[Heating, ventilation, and air conditioning]]

Hydraulic infrastructure (10 articles)
# '''[[Dam]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Aswan Dam]]
## [[Hoover Dam]]
## [[Itaipu Dam]]
## [[Three Gorges Dam]]
# [[Drainage]]
# [[Flood control]]
## [[Flood control in the Netherlands]]
# [[Levee]]
# [[Reservoir]]

Transport infrastructure (7 articles)
# '''[[Bridge]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Akashi Kaikyō Bridge]]
## [[Brooklyn Bridge]]
## [[Golden Gate Bridge]]
## [[London Bridge]]
# [[Tunnel]]
## [[Channel Tunnel]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Tools and machinery&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Machinery and tools (100 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=40%}}
Basics (21 articles)
# [[Machine]]
# [[Crane (machine)]]
# '''[[Engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Electric motor]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Internal combustion engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Diesel engine]]
### [[Four-stroke engine]]
## '''[[Jet engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Steam engine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Robotics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Robot]]
# '''[[Simple machine]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Inclined plane]]
## [[Lever]]
## [[Pulley]]
## [[Screw (simple machine)]]
## [[Wedge]]
## '''[[Wheel]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Wheel and axle]]
# [[Siphon]]
# [[System]]

Components (18 articles)
# [[Axle]]
## [[Bearing (mechanical)|Bearing]]
## [[Clutch]]
## [[Gear]]
# [[Electrical cable]]
## [[Chain]]
## [[Rope]]
# [[Fastener]]
## [[Knot]]
## [[Nail (fastener)]]
## [[Nut (hardware)]]
## [[Rivet]]
## [[Washer (hardware)|Washer]]
# [[Lock and key]]
# [[Pipe (fluid conveyance)|Pipe]]
## [[Gasket]]
## [[Valve]]
# [[Spring (device)]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Tools (34 articles)
General (2 articles)
# '''[[Tool]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# [[Container]]

Measuring instruments (7 articles)
# [[Measuring instrument]]
## [[Barometer]]
## [[Calipers]]
## [[Photometer]]
## [[Ruler]]
## [[Spectrometer]]
## [[Thermometer]]

Artist's tools (8 articles)
# [[Ink]]
# [[Modelling clay]]
# [[Paint]]
# [[Brush]]
# [[Pastel]]
# [[Pencil]]
# [[Pigment]]
# [[Pen]]

Hand tools (8 articles)
# [[Axe]]
# [[Chisel]]
# [[Clamp (tool)|Clamp]]
# [[Drilling]]
# [[Hammer]]
# [[Plane (tool)]]
# [[Saw]]
# [[Scissors]]

Agricultural tools (9 articles)
# [[Archimedes' screw]]
# [[Harrow (tool)]]
# [[Hoe (tool)]]
# [[Machete]]
# [[Plough]]
# [[Rake (tool)]]
# [[Sickle]]
# [[Shovel]]
# [[Wheelbarrow]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Machinery (27 articles)

Farm and garden machinery (6 articles)
# [[Chainsaw]]
# [[Combine harvester]]
# [[Cotton gin]]
# [[Cultivator]]
# [[Irrigation sprinkler]]
# [[Lawn mower]]

Household appliances (16 articles)
# [[Home appliance]]
# [[Air conditioning]]
# [[Clothes dryer]]
# [[Dishwasher]]
# [[Furnace]]
# [[Ironing]]
# [[Microwave oven]]
# [[Oven]]
# [[Refrigerator]]
# [[Sewing machine]]
# [[Sink]]
# '''[[Stove]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electric stove]]
# [[Toilet]]
# [[Vacuum cleaner]]
# [[Washing machine]]

Industrial machinery (5 articles)
# [[Centrifuge]]
# [[Lathe]]
# [[Loom]]
# [[Machine press]]
# [[Potter's wheel]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Media and communication&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Media and communication (35 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;See also Arts: Literature; Society: Mass media; and Technology: Computing and information technology&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Broadcasting]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Cathode-ray tube]]
# [[Communications satellite]]
# [[Flat-panel display]]
## [[Liquid-crystal display]]
# [[Image scanner]]
# '''[[Mail]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Courier]]
## [[Postage stamp]]
# '''[[Mobile phone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Smartphone]]
# '''[[Printing]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Book]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Photocopier]]
## [[Printer (computing)|Printer]]
## [[Printing press]]
# '''[[Radio]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Amateur radio]]
## [[Radio broadcasting]]
# [[Social media]]
# [[Sound recording and reproduction]]
## [[Loudspeaker]]
## [[Microphone]]
# [[Speech synthesis]]
# '''[[Telecommunication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Modulation]]
## [[Telegraphy]]
## '''[[Telephone]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Television]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cable television]]
## [[Satellite television]]
# [[Text messaging]]
# [[Typewriter]]
# '''[[Video]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Video camera]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Medical technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Medical technology (13 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
Devices (3 articles)
# [[Artificial organ]]
# [[Prosthesis]]
# [[Wheelchair]]

Techniques (2 articles)
# [[Cardiopulmonary bypass]]
# [[Dialysis]]
{{Col-break}}

Diagnostic technologies (3 articles)
# [[DNA profiling]]
# [[Electrocardiography]]
# [[Endoscopy]]

Transport (1 article)
# [[Ambulance]]
{{Col-break}}

Imaging (4 articles)
# '''[[Medical imaging]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Magnetic resonance imaging]]
# [[Medical ultrasound|Medical ultrasonography]]
# [[Radiography]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Military technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Military technology (69 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break}}
General (7 articles)
# '''[[Weapon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Tank]]
# [[Military technology]]
# [[Horses in warfare]]
## [[Chariot]]
# [[Stealth technology]]
# [[War elephant]]

Ammunition (2 articles)
# [[Ammunition]]
# '''[[Gunpowder]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])

Armour (6 articles)
# '''[[Armour]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Bulletproof vest]]
# [[Helmet]]
# [[Chain mail]]
# [[Plate armour]]
# [[Shield]]

Explosive weapons (6 articles)
# [[Bomb]]
# [[Cluster munition]]
# [[Improvised explosive device]]
# [[Grenade]]
# [[Land mine]]
# [[Missile]]

Fortification (3 articles)
# '''[[Fortification]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Castle]]
## [[Defensive wall]]
{{Col-break}}

Incendiary weapons (1 article)
# [[Napalm]]

Melee weapons (9 articles)
# '''[[Knife]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Dagger]]
# [[Sword]]
## [[Katana]]
## [[Rapier]]
# [[Battle axe]]
# [[Bayonet]]
# [[Club (weapon)]]
# [[Spear]]

Military aviation (4 articles)
# [[Military aircraft]]
# [[Attack aircraft]]
# [[Bomber]]
# [[Fighter aircraft]]

Naval warfare (8 articles)
# [[Aircraft carrier]]
# [[Battleship]]
# [[Galley]]
# [[Naval mine]]
# [[Ship of the line]]
# [[Submarine]]
# [[Torpedo]]
# [[Warship]]
{{Col-break}}

Projectile weapons (11 articles)
# [[Boomerang]]
# '''[[Bow and arrow]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Crossbow]]
# '''[[Firearm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Rifle]]
### [[Assault rifle]]
## [[Handgun]]
## [[Machine gun]]
## [[Musket]]
## [[Shotgun]]
# [[Sling (weapon)|Sling]]

Artillery and siege (7 articles)
# [[Artillery]]
# [[Ballista]]
# [[Battering ram]]
# [[Cannon]]
# [[Catapult]]
# [[Howitzer]]
# [[Mortar (weapon)|Mortar]]

Weapons of mass destruction (5 articles)
# [[Weapon of mass destruction]]
# [[Biological warfare]]
# [[Chemical weapon]]
# '''[[Nuclear weapon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Thermonuclear weapon]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Navigation and timekeeping&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Navigation and timekeeping (25 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For units of time ('''hour''', '''day''', etc.), see ''[[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Physical_sciences|Physical sciences – Measurement]]''.&lt;/small&gt;
{{Col-begin|width=75%}}
{{Col-break}}
Timekeeping (13 articles)
# '''[[Calendar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Chinese calendar]]
## [[Gregorian calendar]]
## [[Islamic calendar]]
## [[Julian calendar]]
## [[Leap year]]
# '''[[Clock]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Watch]]
## [[Atomic clock]]
## [[Pendulum]]
## [[Sundial]]
# [[Time zone]]
## [[Daylight saving time]]
{{Col-break}}

Navigation (12 articles)
# '''[[Navigation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Compass]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Map]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cardinal direction]]
## [[Celestial navigation]]
### [[Sextant]]
## [[Dead reckoning]]
## [[Gyroscope]]
## [[Satellite navigation]]
### [[Global Positioning System]]
# '''[[Radar]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Sonar]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Optical technology&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Optical technology (26 articles)==
{{Col-begin|width=75%}}
{{Col-break}}
Basics (3 articles)
# '''[[Laser]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Holography]]
# [[Optical fiber]]

Optics (7 articles)
# '''[[Lens]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Fresnel lens]]
# [[Anti-reflective coating]]
# [[Diffraction grating]]
# [[Mirror]]
# [[Polarizer]]
# [[Prism]]
{{Col-break}}

Optical instruments (16 articles)
# '''[[Microscope]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Electron microscope]]
## [[Optical microscope]]
# '''[[Telescope]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Optical telescope]]
## [[Radio telescope]]
## [[Theodolite]]
# '''[[Camera]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Photography]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Digital photography]]
### [[Fine-art photography]]
## [[Photographic film]]
# [[Glasses]]
# [[Binoculars]]
# [[Charge-coupled device]]
# [[Interferometry]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Space&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Space (32 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=27%}}
Basics (12 articles)
# '''[[Space exploration]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Exploration of Mars]]
# '''[[Spaceflight]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Rocket]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Launch pad]]
## [[Launch vehicle]]
## [[Rocket engine]]
# '''[[Satellite]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Space station]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Astronaut]]
# [[Space capsule]]
# [[Space probe]]
{{Col-break|width=33%}}

Crewed spacecraft (5 articles)
# [[International Space Station]]
# ''[[Mir]]''
# [[Space Shuttle]]
# [[Saturn V]]
# [[Soyuz (spacecraft)]]

Uncrewed spacecraft (4 articles)
# [[Hubble Space Telescope]]
# [[Spitzer Space Telescope]]
# [[Herschel Space Observatory]]
# ''[[Sputnik 1]]''
{{Col-break|width=40%}}

Programs and launch sites (9 articles)
# [[NASA]]
## [[Apollo program]]
## [[Kennedy Space Center]]
## [[Voyager program]]
# [[Soviet space program]]
## [[Baikonur Cosmodrome]]
# [[Roscosmos|Russian Federal Space Agency]]
# [[European Space Agency]]
# [[China National Space Administration]]

Ground-based observatories (2 articles)
# [[Atacama Large Millimeter Array]]
# [[Mauna Kea Observatories]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Textiles&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Textiles (25 articles)==
{{Col-begin|width=60%}}
{{Col-break}}
Fabrics and fibers (13 articles)
# '''[[Textile]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Canvas]]
# [[Cotton]]
# [[Felt]]
# [[Fiber]]
# [[Jute]]
# [[Lace]]
# [[Leather]]
# [[Linen]]
# [[Silk]]
# [[Thread (yarn)|Thread]]
# [[Wool]]
# [[Yarn]]
{{Col-break}}

Techniques (12 articles)
# [[Basket weaving]]
# [[Crochet]]
# [[Dyeing]]
## [[Dye]]
# [[Embroidery]]
# [[Hand spinning]]
# [[Knitting]]
# [[Macramé]]
# [[Quilting]]
# [[Sewing]]
# [[Tapestry]]
# [[Weaving]]
{{Col-end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Transportation&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Transportation (84 articles)==
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-break|width=35%}}
Basics (7 articles)
# '''[[Transport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Public transport]]
# [[Travel]]
# [[Freight transport]]
## [[Cargo]] 
# [[Passport]]
# [[Vehicle]]

Road transport (18 articles)
# '''[[Road]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Highway]]
### [[Controlled-access highway]]
## [[Trail]]
# '''[[Car]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Bicycle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cycling]]
# [[Bus]]
# [[Motorcycle]]
# [[Rickshaw]]
# [[Truck]]
# [[Taxicab]]
# [[Van]]
# [[Driving]]
## [[Parking]]
# [[Tire]]
# [[Filling station]]
# [[Traffic collision]]

Animal-powered transport (4 articles)
# [[Carriage]]
# [[Cart]]
# [[Saddle]]
## [[Stirrup]]
{{Col-break|width=35%}}

Rail transport (14 articles)
# '''[[Rail transport]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Track (rail transport)]]
# [[Train]]
## [[Locomotive]]
### [[Steam locomotive]]
## [[Train station]]
# [[Rapid transit]]
## [[London Underground]]
## [[New York City Subway]]
# [[High-speed rail]]
## [[Shinkansen]]
# [[Monorail]]
# [[Tram]]
# [[Trans-Siberian Railway]]

Aviation (17 articles)
# '''[[Aircraft]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Aviation]]
# [[Air traffic control]]
# [[Aircraft engine]]
# [[Airline]]
# [[Airplane]]
# [[Airport]]
# [[Airship]]
# [[Balloon (aeronautics)]]
## [[Hot air balloon]]
# [[Fixed-wing aircraft]]
# [[Glider (aircraft)|Glider]]
# [[Helicopter]]
# [[Jet aircraft]]
# [[Parachute]]
# [[Unmanned aerial vehicle]]
# [[Wing]]
{{Col-break|width=30%}}

Naval transport (19 articles)
# '''[[Ship]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# '''[[Canal]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Lock (water navigation)]]
# [[Barge]]
# [[Boat]]
# [[Canoe]]
# [[Cargo ship]]
# [[Ferry]]
# [[Fishing vessel]]
# [[Hovercraft]]
# [[Merchant ship]]
# [[Passenger ship]]
# [[Riverboat]]
# [[Sailing]]
## [[Sail]]
# [[Sailing ship]]
# [[Shipbuilding]]
# [[Steamboat]]
# [[Tanker (ship)|Tanker]]

Other (5 articles)
# [[Cable transport]]
## [[Aerial tramway]]
# [[Baby transport]]
# [[Pipeline transport]]
# [[Tractor]]
{{Col-end}}
=Mathematics (299 articles)=
:''See also: [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/People#Mathematicians_(44_articles)|People: Mathematicians]]''

==&lt;span id=&quot;Basics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Basics (59 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Mathematics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/1|Level 1]])
## [[Mathematician]]
# '''[[Arithmetic]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Addition]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Subtraction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Multiplication]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Division (mathematics)|Division]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Euclidean algorithm]]
## '''[[Fraction]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/5|Level 3]])
### [[Percentage]]
## [[Modular arithmetic]]
# '''[[Number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## '''[[Integer]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Natural number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Parity (mathematics)|Parity]]
## '''[[Real number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Rational number]]
### [[Irrational number]]
### [[Negative number]]
## '''[[Complex number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Imaginary number]]
# [[Positional notation]]
## [[Numerical digit]]
## [[Decimal]]
## [[Arabic numerals]]
## [[Roman numerals]]
## [[Binary number]]
# [[Scientific notation]]
# [[Order of operations]]
# '''[[Function (mathematics)|Function]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Exponentiation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Logarithm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Nth root|''n''th root]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Square root]]
## [[Exponential function]]
## [[Inverse function]]
## [[Implicit function]]
## [[Function composition]]
## [[Graph of a function]]
## [[Parametric equation]]
# '''[[Equation]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Series (mathematics)|Series]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Equation solving]]
## [[Polynomial]]
# '''[[Variable (mathematics)|Variable]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Constant (mathematics)|Constant]]
## '''[[Pi|{{pi}}]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[E (mathematical constant)|{{mvar|e}}]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[0]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[1]]
## [[−1]]
## [[Imaginary unit|{{mvar|i}}]]
## [[Golden ratio]]
# [[Formula]]
# [[Theorem]]
# [[Conjecture]]
# [[Factorial]]
## [[Gamma function]]
# [[Hilbert's problems]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Geometry&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Geometry (57 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# '''[[Geometry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
# '''[[Coordinate system]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Cartesian coordinate system]]
## [[Polar coordinate system]]
# '''[[Dimension]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Point (geometry)|Point]]
# '''[[Line (geometry)|Line]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
# [[Two-dimensional space]]
## '''[[Plane (geometry)|Plane]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Angle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Right angle]]
## '''[[Area]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Shape]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Polygon]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Triangle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Quadrilateral]]
#### [[Square]]
## '''[[Conic section]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Circle]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Ellipse]]
### [[Parabola]]
### [[Hyperbola]]
# [[Three-dimensional space]]
## '''[[Volume]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Sphere]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Polyhedron]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Cube]]
# '''[[Trigonometry]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Trigonometric functions]]
## [[Hyperbolic functions]]
# '''[[Topology]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[General topology]]
## [[Topological space]]
## [[Compact space]]
## [[Manifold]]
## [[Open set]]
## [[Homology (mathematics)|Homology]]
## [[Homotopy]]
## [[Euler characteristic]]
## [[Knot theory]]
## [[Poincaré conjecture]]
# [[Length]]
# [[Distance]]
## [[Metric space]]
# [[Symmetry]]
## [[Symmetry in mathematics]]
# [[Analytic geometry]]
# [[Differential geometry]]
## [[Riemannian geometry]]
# [[Euclidean geometry]]
## [[Euclidean space]]
## [[Convex set]]
## [[Pythagorean theorem]]
# [[Non-Euclidean geometry]]
# [[Fractal]]
# [[Tensor]]
# [[Tessellation]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Algebra&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Algebra (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Algebra]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Elementary algebra]]
# [[Linear algebra]]
## [[Linear equation]]
## [[Gaussian elimination]]
## [[Matrix (mathematics)|Matrix]]
### [[Determinant]]
### [[Eigenvalues and eigenvectors]]
## [[Vector space]]
### [[Euclidean vector]]
#### [[Cross product]]
#### [[Dot product]]
# [[Algebraic geometry]]
## [[Algebraic variety]]
# [[Boolean algebra]]
# [[Inequality (mathematics)|Inequality]]
# [[Quadratic equation]]
# [[Abstract algebra]]
## [[Algebraic topology]]
### [[Sheaf (mathematics)|Sheaf]]
## [[Associative property]]
## [[Commutative algebra]]
## [[Commutative property]]
## [[Distributive property]]
## [[Field (mathematics)]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of algebra]]
## [[Galois theory]]
## [[Group (mathematics)|Group]]
### [[Abelian group]]
### [[Classification of finite simple groups]]
### [[Fundamental group]]
### [[Group representation]]
### [[Group theory]]
## [[Homological algebra]]
## [[Isomorphism]]
## [[Module (mathematics)|Module]]
## [[Representation theory]]
## [[Ring theory]]
### [[Commutative ring]]
### [[Ring (mathematics)|Ring]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Statistics and probability&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Statistics and probability (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Statistics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles/Level/2|Level 2]])
## [[Bayesian inference]]
## [[Correlation and dependence]]
### [[Regression analysis|Regression]]
#### [[Ordinary least squares|Least squares]]
## [[Data visualization]]
## [[Design of experiments]]
### [[Randomized controlled trial]]
## [[Mean]]
## [[Median]]
## [[Meta-analysis]]
## [[Mode (statistics)|Mode]]
## [[Observational study]]
## [[Sample mean and covariance]]
## [[Standard deviation]]
## [[Standard error]]
## [[Statistical hypothesis testing]]
### [[P-value|''p''-value]]
### [[Chi-squared test]]
### [[Student's t-test|Student's ''t''-test]]
## [[Survey methodology]]
### [[Statistical population]]
### [[Sampling (statistics)|Sampling]]
# '''[[Probability]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Probability theory]]
## [[Bayes' theorem]]
## [[Central limit theorem]]
## [[Expected value]]
## [[Law of large numbers]]
## [[Markov chain]]
## [[Probability density function]]
## [[Probability distribution]]
### [[Binomial distribution]]
### [[Exponential distribution]]
### [[Normal distribution]]
### [[Poisson distribution]]
### [[Discrete uniform distribution]]
## [[Random variable]]
## [[Stochastic process]]
## [[Variance]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Discrete mathematics&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Discrete mathematics (38 articles)==
&lt;small&gt;For topics in applied computer science, see [[Wikipedia:Vital_articles/Level/4/Technology#Computing_and_information_technology_.2872_articles.29|Technology: Computing and information technology]]&lt;/small&gt;
{{Div col|colwidth=15em}}
# [[Discrete mathematics]]
# [[Mathematical logic]]
## '''[[Mathematical proof]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Axiom]]
## [[Computability theory]]
### [[Computable function]]
## [[Gödel's incompleteness theorems]]
## [[Mathematical induction]]
## [[Propositional calculus]]
# '''[[Combinatorics]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Combination]]
## [[Permutation]]
# [[Theoretical computer science]]
## '''[[Algorithm]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Abstract machine]]
### [[Numerical integration]]
## [[Coding theory]]
### [[Data compression]]
### [[Error detection and correction]]
## [[Computational complexity theory]]
### [[P versus NP problem]]
## [[Data structure]]
## [[Formal language]]
## [[Theory of computation]]
# [[Set theory]]
## '''[[Set (mathematics)|Set]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Empty set]]
### [[Subset]]
## [[Axiom of choice]]
## [[Cantor's theorem]]
## [[Equivalence relation]]
## [[Intersection (set theory)]]
## [[Naive set theory]]
### [[Russell's paradox]]
## [[Union (set theory)]]
## [[Venn diagram]]
# [[Graph theory]]
## [[Graph (discrete mathematics)]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Calculus and analysis&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Calculus and analysis (40 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Calculus]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Limit (mathematics)|Limit]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### '''[[Infinity]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Limit of a function]]
### [[Limit of a sequence]]
### [[Sequence]]
#### [[Fibonacci number]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of calculus]]
## [[Continuous function]]
## [[Differential calculus]]
### [[Derivative]]
### [[Differential equation]]
### [[Ordinary differential equation]]
## [[Integral]]
### [[Laplace transform]]
## [[Multivariable calculus]]
### [[Multiple integral]]
### [[Partial derivative]]
#### [[Laplace's equation]]
#### [[Partial differential equation]]
### [[Vector calculus]]
#### [[Del]]
## [[Taylor series]]
# '''[[Mathematical analysis]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## [[Approximation theory]]
## [[Numerical analysis]]
## [[Complex analysis]]
### [[Cauchy's integral formula]]
### [[Euler's formula]]
### [[Euler's identity]]
### [[Holomorphic function]]
### [[Riemann surface]]
## [[Functional analysis]]
### [[Hilbert space]]
## [[Harmonic analysis]]
### [[Fourier analysis]]
### [[Fourier series]]
### [[Fourier transform]]
## [[Real analysis]]
## [[Calculus of variations]]
{{Div col end}}

==&lt;span id=&quot;Other&quot;&gt;&lt;/span&gt;Other (25 articles)==
{{Div col|colwidth=20em}}
# '''[[Number theory]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
## '''[[Prime number]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Vital articles|Level 3]])
### [[Prime number theorem]]
### [[Euclid's theorem]]
## [[Fundamental theorem of arithmetic]]
## [[Algebraic number theory]]
### [[Algebraic number field]]
### [[Class field theory]]
## [[Analytic number theory]]
### [[Riemann hypothesis]]
## [[Diophantine equation]]
### [[Fermat's Last Theorem]]
# [[Applied mathematics]]
## [[Mathematical optimization]]
### [[Linear programming]]
### [[Nonlinear programming]]
### [[Operations research]]
## [[Game theory]]
## [[Information theory]]
# [[Dynamical systems theory]]
## [[Dynamical system]]
## [[Control theory]]
## [[Chaos theory]]
# [[Category theory]]
# [[Pure mathematics]]
{{Div col end}}</text>
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    <title>Auguste Vaillant</title>
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      <text bytes="4257" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Auguste Vaillant.jpg|thumb|Auguste Vaillant]]
'''[[w:Auguste Vaillant|Auguste Vaillant]]''' (27 December 1861 - 5 February 1894) was a French anarchist and terrorist.

== Quotes ==  

* I shall have at least the satisfaction of having wounded the existing society, that cursed society in which one may see a single man spending, uselessly, enough to feed thousands of families; an infamous society which permits a few individuals to monopolize all the social wealth, while there are hundreds of thousands of unfortunates who have not even the bread that is not refused to dogs, and while entire families are committing suicide for want of the necessities of life.
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* Woe be to those who remain deaf to the cries of the starving, woe to those who, believing themselves of superior essence, assume the right to exploit those beneath them! There comes a time when the people no longer reason; they rise like a hurricane, and pass away like a torrent. Then we see bleeding heads impaled on pikes.
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* Figure up the dead and wounded on Tonquin, Madagascar, Dahomey, adding thereto the thousands, yes, millions of unfortunates who die in the factories, the mines, and wherever the grinding power of capital is felt. Add also those who die of hunger, and all this with the assent of our Deputies. Beside all this, of how little weight are the reproaches now brought against me!
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* Are we not acting on the defensive when we respond to the blows which we receive from above?
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* I know very well that I shall be told that I ought to have confined myself to speech for the vindication of the people's claims. But what can you expect! It takes a loud voice to make the deaf hear. Too long have they answered our voices by imprisonment, the rope, rifle volleys. Make no mistake; the explosion of my bomb is not only the cry of the rebel Vaillant, but the cry of an entire class which vindicates its rights, and which will soon add acts to words.
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* Be sure of it, in vain will they pass laws. The ideas of the thinkers will not halt.
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

*These ideas, welcomed by the unfortunate, will flower in acts of revolt as they have done in me, until the day when the disappearance of authority shall permit all men to organize freely according to their choice, when we shall each be able to enjoy the product of his labor, and when those moral maladies called prejudices shall vanish, permitting human beings to live in harmony, having no other desire than to study the sciences and love their fellows.
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]

* A society in which one sees such social inequalities as we see all about us, in which we see every day suicides caused by poverty, prostitution flaring at every street corner,—a society whose principal monuments are barracks and prisons,—such a society must be transformed as soon as possible, on pain of being eliminated, and that speedily, from the human race. Hail to him who labors, by no matter what means, for this transformation!
** [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]


== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vaillant, Auguste}}
[[Category:Anarchists]]
[[Category:Anarchists from France]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:People charged with crimes]]
[[Category:1861 births]]
[[Category:1894 deaths]]
[[Category:Executed people]]</text>
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'''[[w:Auguste Vaillant|Auguste Vaillant]]''' (27 December 1861 - 5 February 1894) was a French anarchist and terrorist.

== Quotes ==  
=== Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894 ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]&lt;/small&gt;

* I shall have at least the satisfaction of having wounded the existing society, that cursed society in which one may see a single man spending, uselessly, enough to feed thousands of families; an infamous society which permits a few individuals to monopolize all the social wealth, while there are hundreds of thousands of unfortunates who have not even the bread that is not refused to dogs, and while entire families are committing suicide for want of the necessities of life.

* Woe be to those who remain deaf to the cries of the starving, woe to those who, believing themselves of superior essence, assume the right to exploit those beneath them! There comes a time when the people no longer reason; they rise like a hurricane, and pass away like a torrent. Then we see bleeding heads impaled on pikes.

* Figure up the dead and wounded on Tonquin, Madagascar, Dahomey, adding thereto the thousands, yes, millions of unfortunates who die in the factories, the mines, and wherever the grinding power of capital is felt. Add also those who die of hunger, and all this with the assent of our Deputies. Beside all this, of how little weight are the reproaches now brought against me!

* Are we not acting on the defensive when we respond to the blows which we receive from above?

* I know very well that I shall be told that I ought to have confined myself to speech for the vindication of the people's claims. But what can you expect! It takes a loud voice to make the deaf hear. Too long have they answered our voices by imprisonment, the rope, rifle volleys. Make no mistake; the explosion of my bomb is not only the cry of the rebel Vaillant, but the cry of an entire class which vindicates its rights, and which will soon add acts to words.

* Be sure of it, in vain will they pass laws. The ideas of the thinkers will not halt.

*These ideas, welcomed by the unfortunate, will flower in acts of revolt as they have done in me, until the day when the disappearance of authority shall permit all men to organize freely according to their choice, when we shall each be able to enjoy the product of his labor, and when those moral maladies called prejudices shall vanish, permitting human beings to live in harmony, having no other desire than to study the sciences and love their fellows.

* A society in which one sees such social inequalities as we see all about us, in which we see every day suicides caused by poverty, prostitution flaring at every street corner,—a society whose principal monuments are barracks and prisons,—such a society must be transformed as soon as possible, on pain of being eliminated, and that speedily, from the human race. Hail to him who labors, by no matter what means, for this transformation!

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vaillant, Auguste}}
[[Category:Anarchists]]
[[Category:Anarchists from France]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:People charged with crimes]]
[[Category:1861 births]]
[[Category:1894 deaths]]
[[Category:Executed people]]</text>
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'''[[w:Auguste Vaillant|Auguste Vaillant]]''' (27 December 1861 - 5 February 1894) was a French [[Anarchism|anarchist]], most famous for his bomb attack on the French [[w:Chamber of Deputies of France|Chamber of Deputies]] on 9 December 1893. The government's reaction to this attack was the passing of the infamous repressive ''[[w:Lois scélérates|Lois scélérates]]''.

== Quotes ==  
=== Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894 ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]&lt;/small&gt;

* I shall have at least the satisfaction of having wounded the existing society, that cursed society in which one may see a single man spending, uselessly, enough to feed thousands of families; an infamous society which permits a few individuals to monopolize all the social wealth, while there are hundreds of thousands of unfortunates who have not even the bread that is not refused to dogs, and while entire families are committing suicide for want of the necessities of life.

* Woe be to those who remain deaf to the cries of the starving, woe to those who, believing themselves of superior essence, assume the right to exploit those beneath them! There comes a time when the people no longer reason; they rise like a hurricane, and pass away like a torrent. Then we see bleeding heads impaled on pikes.

* Figure up the dead and wounded on Tonquin, Madagascar, Dahomey, adding thereto the thousands, yes, millions of unfortunates who die in the factories, the mines, and wherever the grinding power of capital is felt. Add also those who die of hunger, and all this with the assent of our Deputies. Beside all this, of how little weight are the reproaches now brought against me!

* Are we not acting on the defensive when we respond to the blows which we receive from above?

* I know very well that I shall be told that I ought to have confined myself to speech for the vindication of the people's claims. But what can you expect! It takes a loud voice to make the deaf hear. Too long have they answered our voices by imprisonment, the rope, rifle volleys. Make no mistake; the explosion of my bomb is not only the cry of the rebel Vaillant, but the cry of an entire class which vindicates its rights, and which will soon add acts to words.

* Be sure of it, in vain will they pass laws. The ideas of the thinkers will not halt.

*These ideas, welcomed by the unfortunate, will flower in acts of revolt as they have done in me, until the day when the disappearance of authority shall permit all men to organize freely according to their choice, when we shall each be able to enjoy the product of his labor, and when those moral maladies called prejudices shall vanish, permitting human beings to live in harmony, having no other desire than to study the sciences and love their fellows.

* A society in which one sees such social inequalities as we see all about us, in which we see every day suicides caused by poverty, prostitution flaring at every street corner,—a society whose principal monuments are barracks and prisons,—such a society must be transformed as soon as possible, on pain of being eliminated, and that speedily, from the human race. Hail to him who labors, by no matter what means, for this transformation!

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vaillant, Auguste}}
[[Category:Anarchists]]
[[Category:Anarchists from France]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:People charged with crimes]]
[[Category:1861 births]]
[[Category:1894 deaths]]
[[Category:Executed people]]</text>
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'''[[w:Auguste Vaillant|Auguste Vaillant]]''' (27 December 1861 - 5 February 1894) was a French [[Anarchism|anarchist]], most famous for his bomb attack on the French [[w:Chamber of Deputies of France|Chamber of Deputies]] on 9 December 1893. The government's reaction to this attack was the passing of the infamous repressive ''[[w:Lois scélérates|Lois scélérates]]''.

== Quotes ==  
=== Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894 ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/auguste-vaillant-courtroom-speech| Speech before the French Chamber of Deputies, 1894]&lt;/small&gt;

* I shall have at least the satisfaction of having wounded the existing society, that cursed society in which one may see a single man spending, uselessly, enough to feed thousands of families; an infamous society which permits a few individuals to monopolize all the social wealth, while there are hundreds of thousands of unfortunates who have not even the bread that is not refused to dogs, and while entire families are committing suicide for want of the necessities of life.

* Woe be to those who remain deaf to the cries of the starving, woe to those who, believing themselves of superior essence, assume the right to exploit those beneath them! There comes a time when the people no longer reason; they rise like a hurricane, and pass away like a torrent. Then we see bleeding heads impaled on pikes.

* Figure up the dead and wounded on Tonquin, Madagascar, Dahomey, adding thereto the thousands, yes, millions of unfortunates who die in the factories, the mines, and wherever the grinding power of capital is felt. Add also those who die of hunger, and all this with the assent of our Deputies. Beside all this, of how little weight are the reproaches now brought against me!

* Are we not acting on the defensive when we respond to the blows which we receive from above?

* I know very well that I shall be told that I ought to have confined myself to speech for the vindication of the people's claims. But what can you expect! It takes a loud voice to make the deaf hear. Too long have they answered our voices by imprisonment, the rope, rifle volleys. Make no mistake; the explosion of my bomb is not only the cry of the rebel Vaillant, but the cry of an entire class which vindicates its rights, and which will soon add acts to words.

* Be sure of it, in vain will they pass laws. The ideas of the thinkers will not halt.

*These ideas, welcomed by the unfortunate, will flower in acts of revolt as they have done in me, until the day when the disappearance of authority shall permit all men to organize freely according to their choice, when we shall each be able to enjoy the product of his labor, and when those moral maladies called prejudices shall vanish, permitting human beings to live in harmony, having no other desire than to study the sciences and love their fellows.

* A society in which one sees such social inequalities as we see all about us, in which we see every day suicides caused by poverty, prostitution flaring at every street corner,—a society whose principal monuments are barracks and prisons,—such a society must be transformed as soon as possible, on pain of being eliminated, and that speedily, from the human race. Hail to him who labors, by no matter what means, for this transformation!

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Vaillant, Auguste}}
[[Category:Anarchists from France]]
[[Category:Revolutionaries]]
[[Category:People charged with crimes]]
[[Category:1861 births]]
[[Category:1894 deaths]]
[[Category:Executed people]]</text>
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[[Image:LeonardRavenhill-12-1988.jpg|thumb|right|Leonard Ravenhill at age 81]]

'''[[w:Leonard Ravenhill|Leonard Ravenhill]]''' (June 18, 1907 – November 27, 1994) was an English Christian evangelist and writer.

== Quotes ==
=== Not dated ===
&quot;No man is greater than his prayer life.&quot;

Ravenhill, Leonard (n.d.). ''No greater than his prayer life''. Wheaton, IL: TEAM. 

&quot;If weak in prayer, we are weak everywhere for while a sinning man stops praying, a praying man stops sinning.&quot;

Cornelius, John (2012). ''Greatest Habit: 7 Battle-Tested Principles to Make the Most of the Greatest Practice for Meaning, Happiness and Power''. AuthorHouse. p. 88.

&quot;If Jesus had preached the same message that ministers preach today, He would never have been crucified.&quot;

&quot;The Church used to be a lifeboat rescuing the perishing. Now she is a cruise ship recruiting the promising.&quot;

Brown, Michael L. (2015). ''The Fire that Never Sleeps: Keys to Sustaining Personal Revival''. Destiny Image Publishers. p. 50.

&quot;The opportunity of a lifetime must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity.&quot;

Jaynes, Sharon (2016). ''Take Hold of the Faith You Long For: Let Go, Move Forward, Live Bold.'' Baker Books. p. 130

&quot;A man who is intimate with God is not intimidated by man.&quot;

Johnson, Ryan (2020). ''How to Contend for Your Miracle: How Supernatural Encounters and Faith Work Together to Bring Answered Prayers''. Destiny Image Publishers, 2020. p. 118.

&quot;Entertainment is the devil's substitute for joy.&quot;

Ludy, Leslie (2015). ''The Set-Apart Woman: God's Invitation to Sacred Living''. NavPress. p. 80.

=== 1959 ===
&quot;The only reason we don't have revival is because we are willing to live without it!&quot;

&quot;My main ambition in life is to be on the devil's most wanted list.&quot;

Ravenhill, Leonard (1959). ''Why Revival Tarries''. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers. 

=== 1979 ===
&quot;I am not angered by the Moral Majority boys campaign against abortion. I am angry when the same men who say, &quot;Save OUR children&quot; bellow &quot;Build more and bigger bombers.&quot; That's right! Blast the children in other nations into eternity, or limbless misery as they lay crippled from &quot;OUR&quot; bombers! This does not jell.&quot;

Ravenhill, Leonard (1979). ''America is Too Young To Die''. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers. 

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ravenhill, Leonard}}
[[Category:1907 births]]
[[Category:1994 deaths]]
[[Category:Christians]]
[[Category:English essayists]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]]
[[Category:People from Leeds]]</text>
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[[File:Dave Leduc - MLWC 2018.jpg|thumb]]

'''[[w:Dave Leduc|Dave Leduc]]''' (born [[December 13|13 December]] [[1991]]) is a [[Canada|Canadian]] [[veganism|vegan]] activist, reality television personality, and [[w:Lethwei|Lethwei]] fighter most famous for becoming the first [[Myanmar|non-Burmese]] to win a Lethwei [[w:Lethwei#Golden Belt|Golden Belt]] and for competing in the controversial [[w:Prison Fight|Prison Fight]] inside a maximum security prison against an inmate. In 2019, Leduc and his wife became the most notable villains of the [[w:Dave Leduc#The Amazing Race Canada|The Amazing Race Canada]] franchise.

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* '''&quot;We’ll let the peasants fight for last place.&quot;'''
** After arriving in first place in the third episode of [https://www.tv-eh.com/2019/07/16/the-amazing-race-canada-one-way-fun-day-in-edmonton/ ''The Amazing Race Canada, Season 7''] (July 16, 2019)

* Now, I’m telling you. Mark my fucking words. This, it’ s going to be a clear and decisive win. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I just want to let my body freely move with headbutts and elbows, I don’t care. I just want to finish the guy. 
** Talking about his rematch with Cyrus Washington [https://mymmanews.com/dave-leduc-the-king-of-lethwei/ ''MyMMANews.com''] (October 13, 2020)

=== On fighting ===
* When it came to fighting convicts, Leduc said: '''&quot;I wouldn't feel bad if I win and my rival's sentence isn't reduced. They do not fight for money, they fight for their freedom. I only fight for honor and glory. [...] They deserve to get my 100%, if he wins, then he earns it.&quot;'''
** Leduc talking about [[w:Prison Fight|Prison Fight]] to [[w:Bangkok Post|Bangkok Post]] inside maximum security Klong Pai Central Prison, in Thailand (July 12, 2014)
** As quoted in [http://www.bangkokpost.com/print/421369/ ''Bangkok Post''] and [http://www.infobae.com/america/deportes/2017/05/07/prison-fight-el-torneo-carcelario-de-muay-thai-en-el-que-el-vencedor-gana-la-libertad/ ''Infobae: Prison Fight'']

=== On [[w:Lethwei|Lethwei]] ===
* I would prefer fighting foreign fighters to show the true power of Lethwei against other martial arts.
** As quoted by [[w:Anadolu Agency|Anadolu Agency]][https://www.aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/ethnic-muslim-fighter-eyes-myanmar-s-kickboxing-crown/1325639] (November 30, 2018)

* In life you don’t ‘half-ass’ things. So I thought; I want to fight, why not do the most brutal sport in the world?
** Leduc talking about Lethwei in [https://thebodylockmma.com/lethwei/a-royal-portrait-dave-leduc-king-of-lethwei/ ''A royal portrait: Dave Leduc''] (July 30, 2019)

* Lethwei is more popular than ever, and I am proud to be behind this. I'm bringing Lethwei to the world, and bringing fame to Myanmar which will bring more tourism and more money to the people.
** As quoted in [https://www.mmtimes.com/news/i-am-not-nervous-i-am-hungry-says-dave.html/ ''Myanmar Times''] (December 13, 2018)

* '''“I’m not deep into Lethwei, I am Lethwei.”'''
** When asked about how deep his involvement in the sport was. As Quoted on [https://mymmanews.com/dave-leduc-the-king-of-lethwei/ ''MyMMANews.com''][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtD5hDFslFY] (October 13, 2020)

=== On [[Tun Tun Min]] ===

* Tun Tun Min actually disrespected me when he said that the Myanmar Lethwei Champion should not be a non-Burmese according to him. I replied saying that it doesn't matter where the champion is born, it's what's in his heart that matters, and I am Myanmar in my heart.
** As quoted in [https://www.mmtimes.com/news/i-am-not-nervous-i-am-hungry-says-dave.html/ ''Myanmar Times''] (December 13, 2018)

* He got two years to hate me and meditate in front of my photo.
** As quoted in [https://ici.radio-canada.ca/nouvelle/1141228/combat-dave-leduc-tun-tun-min-birmanie/ ''Radio-Canada''] (December 11, 2018)

=== On [[veganism]] ===

* Veganism. It’s not a diet, it’s a philosophy, which aims to cause as less cruelty around you as practically possible.
** As quoted in [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet/ ''Plant Based News''] (2nd February, 2021)

* Once you reunite with your compassion and choose the vegan way of life, it’s almost impossible to go back.[https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet] (2nd February, 2021)

* I will never eat animals or dairy for the rest of my life. [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet] (2nd February, 2021)

* My wife and I became fully vegan solely for health reasons [...] shortly after watching the movie [[The Game Changers]], as I saw that it was possible to thrive as an elite athlete on a plant-based diet. [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet], [https://www.instagram.com/p/CKxaA8ypcwZ/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=] (2nd February, 2021)

== Quotes about Leduc ==

* I love Dave Leduc. The guy is a monster! I would love to have him in One Championship.
** [[w:Chatri Sityodtong|Chatri Sityodtong]] as quoted in [https://www.insider.com/one-championship-would-love-to-recruit-headbutt-expert-dave-leduc-2020-4/ ''Business Insider''] (28 April, 2020)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Leduc, Dave}}
[[Category:Mixed martial artists]]
[[Category:1991 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Vegetarianism activists]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:People from Quebec]]
[[Category:People from Canada]]</text>
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[[File:Dave Leduc - MLWC 2018.jpg|thumb]]

'''[[w:Dave Leduc|Dave Leduc]]''' (born [[December 13|13 December]] [[1991]]) is a [[Canada|Canadian]] [[veganism|vegan]] activist, reality television personality, and [[w:Lethwei|Lethwei]] fighter most famous for becoming the first [[Myanmar|non-Burmese]] to win a Lethwei [[w:Lethwei#Golden Belt|Golden Belt]] and for competing in the controversial [[w:Prison Fight|Prison Fight]] inside a maximum security prison against an inmate. In 2019, Leduc and his wife became the most notable villains of the [[w:Dave Leduc#The Amazing Race Canada|The Amazing Race Canada]] franchise.

{{stub}}

== Quotes ==
* '''&quot;We’ll let the peasants fight for last place.&quot;'''
** After arriving in first place in the third episode of [https://www.tv-eh.com/2019/07/16/the-amazing-race-canada-one-way-fun-day-in-edmonton/ ''The Amazing Race Canada, Season 7''] (July 16, 2019)

* Now, I’m telling you. Mark my fucking words. This, it’ s going to be a clear and decisive win. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I just want to let my body freely move with headbutts and elbows, I don’t care. I just want to finish the guy. 
** Talking about his rematch with Cyrus Washington [https://mymmanews.com/dave-leduc-the-king-of-lethwei/ ''MyMMANews.com''] (October 13, 2020)

=== On fighting ===
* When it came to fighting convicts, Leduc said: '''&quot;I wouldn't feel bad if I win and my rival's sentence isn't reduced. They do not fight for money, they fight for their freedom. I only fight for honor and glory. [...] They deserve to get my 100%, if he wins, then he earns it.&quot;'''
** Leduc talking about [[w:Prison Fight|Prison Fight]] to [[w:Bangkok Post|Bangkok Post]] inside maximum security Klong Pai Central Prison, in Thailand (July 12, 2014)
** As quoted in [http://www.bangkokpost.com/print/421369/ ''Bangkok Post''] and [http://www.infobae.com/america/deportes/2017/05/07/prison-fight-el-torneo-carcelario-de-muay-thai-en-el-que-el-vencedor-gana-la-libertad/ ''Infobae: Prison Fight'']

=== On [[w:Lethwei|Lethwei]] ===
* I would prefer fighting foreign fighters to show the true power of Lethwei against other martial arts.
** As quoted by [[w:Anadolu Agency|Anadolu Agency]][https://www.aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/ethnic-muslim-fighter-eyes-myanmar-s-kickboxing-crown/1325639] (November 30, 2018)

* In life you don’t ‘half-ass’ things. So I thought; I want to fight, why not do the most brutal sport in the world?
** Leduc talking about Lethwei in [https://thebodylockmma.com/lethwei/a-royal-portrait-dave-leduc-king-of-lethwei/ ''A royal portrait: Dave Leduc''] (July 30, 2019)

*I like extreme. I never like to be normal. F*** normal. I’m the black sheep in life. I’m the weird one and I like that.
** As quoted in [https://www.scmp.com/sport/martial-arts/other-martial-arts/article/3021025/maybe-i-was-born-myanmar-another-life/ ''South China Morning Post''] (August 2, 2019)

* Lethwei is more popular than ever, and I am proud to be behind this. I'm bringing Lethwei to the world, and bringing fame to Myanmar which will bring more tourism and more money to the people.
** As quoted in [https://www.mmtimes.com/news/i-am-not-nervous-i-am-hungry-says-dave.html/ ''Myanmar Times''] (December 13, 2018)

* '''“I’m not deep into Lethwei, I am Lethwei.”'''
** When asked about how deep his involvement in the sport was. As Quoted on [https://mymmanews.com/dave-leduc-the-king-of-lethwei/ ''MyMMANews.com''][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtD5hDFslFY] (October 13, 2020)

* Maybe I was born in Myanmar in another life
** As quoted in [https://www.scmp.com/sport/martial-arts/other-martial-arts/article/3021025/maybe-i-was-born-myanmar-another-life/ ''South China Morning Post''] (August 2, 2019)

=== On [[Tun Tun Min]] ===

* Tun Tun Min actually disrespected me when he said that the Myanmar Lethwei Champion should not be a non-Burmese according to him. I replied saying that it doesn't matter where the champion is born, it's what's in his heart that matters, and I am Myanmar in my heart.
** As quoted in [https://www.mmtimes.com/news/i-am-not-nervous-i-am-hungry-says-dave.html/ ''Myanmar Times''] (December 13, 2018)

* He got two years to hate me and meditate in front of my photo.
** As quoted in [https://ici.radio-canada.ca/nouvelle/1141228/combat-dave-leduc-tun-tun-min-birmanie/ ''Radio-Canada''] (December 11, 2018)

=== On [[veganism]] ===

* Veganism. It’s not a diet, it’s a philosophy, which aims to cause as less cruelty around you as practically possible.
** As quoted in [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet/ ''Plant Based News''] (2nd February, 2021)

* Once you reunite with your compassion and choose the vegan way of life, it’s almost impossible to go back.[https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet] (2nd February, 2021)

* I will never eat animals or dairy for the rest of my life. [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet] (2nd February, 2021)

* My wife and I became fully vegan solely for health reasons [...] shortly after watching the movie [[The Game Changers]], as I saw that it was possible to thrive as an elite athlete on a plant-based diet. [https://plantbasednews.org/culture/sport/world-champion-lethwei-fighter-dave-leduc-says-being-vegan-is-a-philosophy-not-a-diet], [https://www.instagram.com/p/CKxaA8ypcwZ/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=] (2nd February, 2021)

== Quotes about Leduc ==

* I love Dave Leduc. The guy is a monster! I would love to have him in One Championship.
** [[w:Chatri Sityodtong|Chatri Sityodtong]] as quoted in [https://www.insider.com/one-championship-would-love-to-recruit-headbutt-expert-dave-leduc-2020-4/ ''Business Insider''] (28 April, 2020)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Leduc, Dave}}
[[Category:Mixed martial artists]]
[[Category:1991 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:Vegetarianism activists]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]
[[Category:People from Quebec]]
[[Category:People from Canada]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Mr. Baseball (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>236415</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150573</id>
      <parentid>3007227</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T03:58:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>links</comment>
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      <text bytes="5628" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Mr. Baseball|Mr Baseball]]''''' is a 1992 American sports comedy film about a New York Yankees player suddenly traded to the Chunichi Dragons of Japan's Nippon Professional Baseball and now has to adjust to Japanese culture.
:''Directed by Fred Schepisi. Written by Theo Pelletier, John Junkerman, Gary Ross, Kevin Wade, and Monte Merrick''
&lt;center&gt;'''He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

==Jack Elliot==
* ''[in Japanese talking to players during a lull in training]'' I would like to apologize to you all. From now on, I would like to make an effort, to be a real member of the team. And between us, I'd like to build... a chopstick ''[Yoji signals him to speak that last one differently]'' ..an edge. A bridge? Build a bridge of friendship. ''[bows deeply to the team]''

== Dialogue ==
:''[Jack Elliot is flustered that the Yankees are ditching him for a rookie first baseman]''
:'''Jack Elliot''': I don't believe this. I'm a World Series MVP!
:'''Skip''': That was four years ago, Jack.
:'''Trey''': You hit .235 last season.
:'''Elliot''': Last season? I led this club in 9th-inning doubles in the month of August! Screw it man, I don't wanna play where I'm not wanted here. ''[throws off his cap]'' What are my choices? I'm ready.
:'''Skip''': ''[clears throat]'' There aren't exactly choices, Jack. We only had one taker so we... took.  
:'''Trey''': We called everyone, Jack, Canada... 
:'''Elliot''': No, not Canada!
:'''Skip''': ''[as Elliot talks]'' It goes without saying. 
:'''Elliot''': I ain't paying those taxes!
:'''Trey''': ''[laughs]'' It's not Canada.
:'''Elliot''': Not [[w:Cleveland Indians|Cleveland]]... No! Say it's not Cleveland!
:'''Trey''': ''[looks at Skip]'' Not Cleveland.
:'''Skip''': ''[clears throat]'' We got a call from a manager in...
:'''Elliot''': What?
:'''Skip''': ...Japan. 
:'''Elliot''': Japan?
:'''Skip''': Yes, the uh... chu-chey? chu?
:'''Elliot''': Hey.. Forget it!
:'''Skip''': Chunichi.
:'''Elliot''': No. I'm a Major Leaguer! There's no way I'm gonna play in Japan!
:'''Skip''': If you wanna play this season Jack, you're a Chunichi Dragon.
:'''Elliot''': A [[w:Chunichi Dragons|Chunichi Dragon]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jack Elliot tries to imagine a grand entrance at [[w:Nagoya Stadium|Nagoya Stadium]]]''
:'''Jack Elliot''': ''[addresses some Japanese at the bleachers]'' Any of you guys speak Americano? Jack Elliot here bringing you the best in Major League thrills for the fellas, and free mustache rides for the ladies.
:'''Woman in Orange jacket''': I have seen &quot;free mustache rides&quot; offered on t-shirts in America. Always by guys you would not want to ride with.
:'''Elliot''': ''[removes hat in respect]'' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[During a Dragons away match against the Hiroshima Carp, Jack rushes the pitcher who belatedly tipped his hat after hitting him in the head.]''
:'''Max DuBois''': ''[pulls him away]'' Jack, dammit he tipped his hat, it means he didn't mean it! 
:'''Jack''': I don't care if he ate his GODDAMN HAT!!! I've had it! 
:'''Yoji''': Jack-san, no!
:'''Jack''': Bullshit! ''[tries to the punch the pitcher... but Yoji is knocked out instead]'' Yoji!!
:'''Max''': I'm sick and tired of this shit. Haven't you heard a word I said? You're really pissing me off now! ''[puts down Jack]'' Now just take your base and get with the program!
:'''Jack''': You too, huh Max?
:'''Max''': ''[points at Jack]'' You know the one thing I didn't miss about playing in the States? It's putting up with hotshots like you. Now I don't even have that anymore! ''[walks off]''
:''[at the dugout, the Dragons GM confronts Uchiyama]''
:'''Chunichi Dragons GM Hiroshi Nakamura''': ''[coldly]'' Suspend Elliot indefinitely... and consider yourself out as soon as a replacement is found. You have brought dishonor to the team! ''[leaves]'' 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the meal with Hiroko and Uchiyama-san's parents, Jack notices something the grandfather said]''
:'''Jack Elliot''': What did he say?
:'''Uchiyama''': He says, &quot;You have a hole in your swing.&quot;
:'''Elliot''': Like father, like son huh?
:'''Hiroko Uchiyama''': ''[to her father, in Japanese]'' What's the matter with you? Why do you have to be so hard on him?!?! Everyone can see it but you ''[walks off; to Jack, in English]'' and you, Jack... Grow up! ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Elliot jogs up and down the homefield bleachers]''
:'''Elliot''': You look thirsty Chief. What do you say I buy ya a beer?
:'''Uchiyama''': Later! AGAIN!
:'''Elliot''': ''[mutters]'' You're no fun anymore...
:'''Uchiyama''': C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Pick it up! Pick it up! Harder! Harder, Jack!
:'''Ryoh Mukai''': ''[as the other players come out on the field for practice, in Japanese]'' Looks like Elliot's run out of excuses.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hiroko Uchiyama overhears colleague praising a gift sent to her]''
:'''Hiroko Uchiyama''': ''[in Japanese]'' Foreigner wonderful, foreigner fantastic... foreigner going home to America.
:'''Colleague''': ''[humbling]'' I'm so sorry.

== Taglines ==
* He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla.
* An inspirational baseball movie.

== Cast ==
* [[Tom Selleck]] - Jack Elliot
* Ken Takakura - Uchiyama
* Aya Takahashi - Hiroko Uchiyama
* Dennis Haysbert - Max &quot;The Hammer&quot; DuBois 
* Toshi Shioya - Yoji Nishimura
* Toshizo Fujiwara - Ryoh Mukai, Chunichi Dragons No 2 

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Mr. Baseball}}
* {{imdb title|id=0104926|title=Mr. Baseball}} 

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Comedy-drama films]]
[[Category:Baseball films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>It's Pony</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>238053</id>
    <revision>
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      <parentid>3120335</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T02:46:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="9826" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}

'''''{{w|It's Pony}}''''' is a British animated television series created by Ant Blades on Nickelodeon. The show is storyboarded, designed, and animated by Blue-Zoo Animation.


:''Pony on the 6th floor&lt;br /&gt;Pony in the bathroom&lt;br /&gt;Pony in the kitchen&lt;br /&gt;Pony on the school bus''

:''Pony, Pony, Pony&lt;br /&gt;He's a funny-loving pony&lt;br /&gt;Never going slowly&lt;br /&gt;When you've got a pony&lt;br /&gt;You'll never feel lonely''

:''Pony, Pony, Pony''&lt;br /&gt;'''George''': Pony!&lt;br /&gt;''It's Pony, Pony, Pony&lt;br /&gt;Pony, Pony, Pony&lt;br /&gt;It's Pony!''&lt;br /&gt;'''Annie''': Pony.

== Seasons ==
:: [[It's Pony/Season 1|1]]
:: [[It's Pony/Season 2|2]]

== Shorts ==

===''Coffee Run''===

:'''Annie Bramley''': It's Pony.
:'''Pony''': ''[high pitch]'' Shorts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Helen Bramley''': Don't worry, we're still alive.
:'''George Bramley''': We're just out of coffee.
:'''Annie''': Phew. We'll go and get you some more. Won't we, Pony? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Pony''': Why are we getting Mom and Dad coffee?
:'''Annie''': They never get us coffee. They need it to wake up. They're like zombies without coffee. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Annie''': We brought you some coffee.
:'''Helen''': It's okay. We're awake now.

===''Paper Chase''===

:'''Annie''': It's Pony.
:'''Pony''': ''[holding...]'' Shorts!
:'''Annie''': Where'd you get those?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''George''': Pony! Ugh, not my toothbrush! ''[grunting]'' Get out of the bathroom!
:'''Pony''': I just don't know how to please that man.
:'''Annie''': Maybe make him breakfast. That's what Mom does instead of apologizing.
:'''Pony''': Dad, I'm making you breakfast!
:'''George''': No, you're not.
:'''Pony''': Yes, I am.
:'''George''': Don't you dare.
:'''Pony''': He dared me. Now I have to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Annie''': There, finished.
:'''Pony''': What is it?
:'''Annie''': My homework for Monday.
:'''Pony''': It's only Friday.
:'''Annie''': It means it frees up the whole weekend.
:'''Annie''': I had to guess a few things, like the title of the homework, the subject of the homework... Even if we have homework for Monday.
:'''Pony''': Well, the front cover looks very good.
:'''Annie''': The whole thing is very good. It's the tale of a clever and beautiful tween, and her champion stallion.
:'''Pony''': You really captured my essence. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Pony''': What were you trying to tell me?
:'''Annie''': I was just trying to say &quot;thank you&quot;.
:'''Pony''': For what?
:'''Annie''': For giving me my homework.
:'''Pony''': Aw, Annie, that was ages ago.
:'''Annie''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Pony''': See you after school, then.
:'''Annie''': See you later, Pony.
:'''Pony''': And I'll stay out of trouble.
:'''Annie''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, okay.
:''[car alarm blaring]''
:'''Brian''': Hey, Annie, you hear the news? No homework for Monday. ''[laughs]'' Whoo-hoo!
:''[Annie sighs]''

===''Hold My Spot''===

:'''Annie''': Where is he?
:'''Pony''': It's Pony! Shorts…

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Annie''': I love my boots and all, but nothing beats a pair of genuine Leave-on Chiffon sneakers.
:'''Pony''': Unless it's a genuine Leave-On Chiffon neck brace. 

===''Screen Time''===


:'''Annie''': It's Pony... shorts.
:'''Pony''': Uh, I think I need another pair. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Clara Bornstein''': ''[clearing throat]'' Hi, Annie.
:'''Annie''': Hey, Clara. Sorry, in late.
:'''Clara''': So what'd you get for #2?
:'''Annie''': X = 134.
:'''Clara''': Oh, I got &quot;X = 189&quot;.
:'''Annie''': Okay, well, let's figure it out.
:'''Pony''': Whoo-hoo!
:'''Clara''': What's Pony doing?
:'''Annie''': Oh, he found some springs in the dumpster. Now he thinks he's a kangaroo or something. Just ignore him. Anyway, I got 134 by– AAH! Pony, can you–? Ah! (Ow!)
:''[Clara hangs up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Brian''': ''[logs in]'' First, yes! ''[Heston logs in]'' Heston, it's just me and you, dude, the bros, guys in the house. What do you wanna talk about?
:'''Clara''': ''[logs in]'' Hi, guys.
:'''Brian''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, hi, Clara.
:'''Beatrice''': ''[logs in]'' Of course he's gonna bite if you hold him like that. Hi, everyone. Where's Annie?
:'''Clara''': Hospital, probably. Last time I saw her, Pony totally wrecked her.
:'''Brian''': I saw Pony release a wild animal on her.
:'''Heston''': I saw him flooding the place. It was insane.
:'''Clara''': I don't know how she deals with it.
:'''Beatrice''': OMG! Are you crazy? I would love to have a pony. He is so adorable.
:'''Brian''': Better her than me.
:'''Heston''': A glutton for punishment.
:'''Annie''': Oh, hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. What were you talking about?
:'''Clara, Heston, and Brian''': Nothing.
:'''Beatrice''': Pony.
:'''Annie''': Huh? (Oh, well.)
:'''Clara''': So… looks pretty quiet in there.
:'''Annie''': Yeah, Pony's not here. I told him I had to do this homework, so he went to visit a friend.
:'''Brian''': Uh… what friend, o-one of his friends or one of yours?
:'''Annie''': Hmm. Well, he didn't say.
:'''Clara''': Think, Annie. Where could he be going? It's important. My family's hosting a big fundraising lunch.
:'''Annie''': Well, (before he left,) he did say he was hungry.
:'''Clara''': Hungry? Really? Then he knows! Everybody out! Move it! Pack it up! Go, go, go! Everyone to the safe house! (I'll call you back!) ''[signs off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Brian''': Clara really freaked out. And as Hero Horse says, &quot;Don't freak out.&quot;
:'''Annie''': Oh, yeah, Brian, I-I told Pony about that limited edition collectible.
:'''Brian''': W-what, you did?
:'''Annie''': Of course, he said he can't wait to see it.
:'''Brian''': He said that? Got to do something, be right back! I-I'll just be a minute. Just putting this somewhere safe. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Annie''': Guys, can you all just stop panicking? Look, can we just… Heston, did you leave home?
:'''Heston''': Uh, no. Just another one of my awesome computer backgrounds. Definitely not hiding my new computer from Pony.
:'''Annie''': Wow, that's a very realistic one. It looks like you're in an alley.
:'''Heston''': ''[laughs]'' Why would I go to an alley to hide my new computer from Pony?
:'''Beatrice''': Who are those guys?
:'''Heston''': Oh, those guys? Th-th-they come with the background.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Beatrice''': Hmm… He didn't go to Clara's, he didn't go to Brian's, he didn't go to Heston's. That must mean... ''[gasps]'' It's happening! I gotta go now, Annie! Signing out, bye!
:'''Annie''': Um, Beatrice, I'm still here.
:'''Beatrice''': What? Uh, no, nothing to see here. Go! ''[signs off for real]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Annie''': Pony!
:'''Pony''': Hi, Annie. Question - what's Heston's favorite ice cream, is it chocolate mint or mint chocolate chip?
:'''Annie''': Where are you? Didn't you say you were visiting a friend?
:'''Pony''': Yeah. I met my friend, Guessepi's ice cream stand. I got us all ice cream.
:'''Annie''': Aw, that's so sweet. I bet everyone wishes they had a pony.
:'''Pony''': Well… I better go deliver this to Clara, Brian, Heston, and Beatrice.
:'''Annie''': You may wanna skip Beatrice. (How about you give one of them to Fred or Gerry instead? Long story.)

===''Vending Machine''===


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&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

===''Inside Pony''===

:'''Annie''': Pony, what happened?
:'''Pony''': It's Pony shorts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

== Voice cast ==
* {{w|Jessica DiCicco}} as Annie Bramley
:: George and Helen's daughter / Ruth's granddaughter

* {{w|Josh Zuckerman}} as Pony: Annie's pet horse and friend

* {{w|Abraham Benrubi}} as George Bramley
:: Annie's dad / Ruth's son / Helen's husband

* {{w|India de Beaufort}} as Helen Bramley
:: Annie's mom / George's wife / Ruth's daughter-in-law

* Taylor Polidore as Clara Bornstein
:: Mr. and Mrs. Bornstein's daughter / Barrington's cousin / Gerry's love interest

* {{w|Josh Keaton}} as Heston
:: Marti and Meg's nephew Kyle's brother

* Noshir Dalal as Gerry: Clara's love interest

=== Supporting ===
* {{w|Bobby Moynihan}} as Brian Mulrooney

* {{w|Megan Hilty}} as Beatrice

* [[Kal Penn]] as Fred

* {{w|Rosario Dawson}} as Penny Ramiro: Gravlax's love interest

* [[Mark Feuerstein]] as Mr. Pancks

* {{w|Grey DeLisle}} as Henrietta

* Kimberly Woods as Polly

* {{w|Yvette Nicole Brown}} as Mrs. Dunscomb

* {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}} as Dog
:: Pony's rival / Mrs. Okaba's pet

* {{w|Dave Foley}} as Gordon Gravlax: Ramiro's love interest

* [[John DiMaggio]] as Dave: Pony's friend

=== Recurring ===
* {{w|Nat Faxon}} as Mr. Underwood

* [[John DiMaggio]] as Dave: Pony's friend

* {{w|Amy Hill}} as Mrs. Okaba: Dog's owner

* {{w|Max Mittelman}} as Vance 

* {{w|Fred Tatascoire}} as The Nut Guy: George's rival

=== Minor ===
* {{w|Susanne Blakeslee}} as Ruth Bramley
:: George's mom / Annie's Nana / Helen's mother-in-law

* {{w|Betsy Sodaro}} as Marti
:: Meg's wife / Heston and Kyle's aunt

* {{w|Kimberly Brooks}} as Mrs. Bornstein
:: Clara's mom / Mr. Bornstein's wife / Barrington's aunt

* {{w|Nat Faxon}} as Mr. Underwood

* Secunda Wood as Mayor Rita

* {{w|Curtis Armstrong}} as Basil

* {{w|Stephen Fry}} as Marcelo Marvello 

* {{w|Jordan Fisher}} as Barrington
:: Clara's cousin / Mr. and Mrs. Bornstein's nephew

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|tt11416026}}

[[Category:2020s UK animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:UK children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:LGBT-related animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:YTV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about horses]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>It's Pony/Season 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>239499</id>
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      <id>3150562</id>
      <parentid>3139972</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T02:50:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:81:C400:D200:C4B0:1112:9E6A:1AB6</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode 13 */</comment>
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      <text bytes="7197" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
------------
==''Raiders of the Lost Cinema'' ('''Halloween''' special)==


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==Episode 2==

===''Annie's Voice'' ('''Winter''' special)===


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===''Business as Usual''===


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==Episode 3==

===''Flight of the Chickens''===


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===''Henrietta the Psychic''===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Henrietta''': Look at that. I'm telling you, this is going to be a disaster.
:'''Pony''': Oh, squirrel. They have feet?
:'''Annie''': Don't be mean, Henrietta. You can't just appear out of nowhere being all negative.
:'''Henrietta''': I think I just did. ''[clapped back]''
:'''Annie''': Well, you shouldn't. Pony doesn't always mess up. He's my enthusiastic buddy who– ''[a bunch of squirrels and cement fell on Pony]''
:'''Henrietta''': You were saying?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


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==Episode 4==

===''Annie vs. Pony''===


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===''Get Sapphire''===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Henrietta''': ''[annoyed]'' Ugh, do you mind?
:'''Pony''': Yes, could you please go back to Chapter 1?
:'''Henrietta''': No, get your own copy.
:'''Annie''': We tried! Pony used the money for a harmonica and now they're sold out!
:'''Henrietta''': Not my problem.
:'''Annie''': Come on, I'm desperate to read it. I'll pay you. How much?
:'''Henrietta''': I don't want your money.
:'''Annie''': You must want something! What about a trade?
:''[Pony gets out his harmonica, but it has slobber on it.]''
:'''Henrietta''': Ugh, no!
:'''Pony''': Would you trade it for a pony ride? ''[whispers to Annie as she rolled her eyes]'' You may have to dress up like a pony.

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==Episode 5==

===''Pighog Day'' ('''Groundhog Day''' special)===


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===''Second Best Friend''===


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==Episode 6==

===''Pony Car''===

:'''Annie''': Your cousin's having a party at the yaht club?
:'''Heston''': Wish we could come.
:'''Clara''': No, you don't. Barrington's a snob and his friends are jerks. I'm not going.

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:'''Clara''': Annie, I can't go by myself. Promise you'll be there.
:''[the car drives off]''
:'''Annie''': We will.
:'''Clara''': Say you'll promise!
:'''Annie''': Promise!
:'''Clara''': Again!
:'''Annie''': I promise!
:'''Clara''': I'm counting on you!

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===''Wedding Planners''===


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==Episode 7==

===''Cat Alley''===


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===''Saving Horse''===


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==Episode 8==

===''Comic Connival''===


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===''Horse on a Hot Tin Roof''===


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==Episode 9==

===''Song of the Soil''===


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===''Street Smart''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Ponopoly''===


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===''President Annie''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Cow Power''===


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===''I.T. Pony''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Family Free for All''===


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===''Lucky Pony''===


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== Episode 13 ==

==='''''City Pony'''''===


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==='''''Country Pony'''''===


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==Episode 14==

===''Hot Tub Brine Machine''===


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===''The Secret Life of Pony''===


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==Episode 15==

===''Space Shippers''===


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===''The Lakey Loos''===


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==Episode 16==

===''Bowling Over''===


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===''Disaster Express''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Pony Almighty''===


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===''Annie the Influencer''===


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==Episode 19==

===''Never Take Advice From a Pony''===


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===''Moon Face-Off''===


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==Episode 19==

===''Pony, Come Home''===


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===''Special Sauce''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Beachy Weachy Weach'' ('''Summer''' special)===


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===''Bee in a Jar''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>hgaf5t0b2kxgy6yk9vyzb2fiy1vhrt9</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Space Jam: A New Legacy</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>239540</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150604</id>
      <parentid>3129676</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T10:57:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Syahmi Syafiq</username>
        <id>3124478</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7440" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Space Jam: A New Legacy|Space Jam: A New Legacy]]''''' (in 115 minutes release in Anniversary Edition on June 2031) is an American live-action/animated sports comedy film produced by the [[w:Warner Animation Group|Warner Animation Group]] and featuring [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] characters. It is a standalone sequel to 1996's ''[[Space Jam]]''. The film stars [[LeBron James as himself]], [[Don Cheadle]], Khris Davis, {{w|Sonequa Martin-Green}}, with the ''Looney Tunes'' voices of {{w|Jeff Bergman}}, {{w|Eric Bauza}}, and [[Zendaya]] as Lola.

:''Directed by [[w:Malcolm D. Lee|Malcolm D. Lee]]. Written by Juel Taylor, Tony Rettenmaier, Keenan Coogler, [[w:Terence Nance|Terence Nance]], Jesse Gordon and Celeste Ballard.''

{{film-stub}}

== [[LeBron James]] ==
* I'm a cartoon?
* I bet [[Will Smith]] ain't got to deal with this.
* What in ''[[w:The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' hell?
* ''[as [[w:Michael B. Jordan|&quot;Michael Jordan&quot;]] enters the locker room]'' Come on, man, that's Michael B. Jordan. The actor.
* Aahhh! I'm shorter than [[w:Kevin Hart|Kevin Hart]]!
* I need to assemble an elite team to help get my son back.
* I'm [[w:Robin (character)|Robin]]?!
* I've been coaching y'all this whole time! Sylvester over here getting the wrong MJ, Granny's out here having a martini on halftime, and Taz might as well be playing for the other team!
* ''[Sees The Brow from Goon Squad]'' Dang, what did they do to my man, [[w:Anthony Davis|A.D.]]?
* I like to remind myself who I'm playing for. My family. And right now, it's all about Dom.
* ''[remembering the words Dom said to him]'' &quot;You never let me just… do me.&quot;
* Bugs… Time to do what you guys do best.
* ''[happily; to Bugs, who ended up in the real world]'' It's good to see you, buddy.

== [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] ==
* ''[repeated line; to LeBron]'' What's up, doc?
* You need a dream team.
* What brings you to Tune World, doc?
* So, you want me, a talking cartoon bunny, to play with you, an NBA superstar, in a high-stakes basketball game? ''[To the camera]'' [[w:Space Jam|Sounds awfully familiar]]
* ''[after Al-G changes the Tunes from 2D to 3D]'' Al-G...THIS MEANS WAR.
* If we're going out, we're going out Looney!
* It's on.

== Al-G Rhythm ==
* Welcome, King James. I am the king of this domain.
* I'm Al-G Rhythm. And as you might have guessed, I'm an algorithm here at Warner Bros. The studio behind all the classics. But now, it's time for our greatest creation yet, Warner 3000. This will revolutionize the entire entertainment industry, and we want you to be on our team, King James. Now, we know you're busy, but we can make it very easy for you. Because our brand new Warner 3000 technology will scan you right into the movies. Oh, it's like looking into a mirror, huh, LeBron? Think about it, ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|Batman vs. LeBron]]''. ''[[Game of Thrones|LeBron of Thrones]]''. ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|LeBron and the Chamber of Secrets]]''. The possibilities are endless. You'll be the king of Warner Bros. That's the power of Warner 3000. Say yes, LeBron, and together, we'll make mind-blowing entertainment forever.
* This is the Warner Bros. Serververse.
* The only way you're getting your son back is if you and I play a little basketball.
* Pete, send this clown to the rejects.
* Welcome to the Space Jam!
* ''[from trailer]'' Whoo!
* Well, if it isn't the old-news Looney Tunes. Looking just as washed up as ever. You know what? I think it’s time for an upgrade. ''[upgrades the Looney Tunes into their 3D styles]'' Oh, they’re alive! Alive! Oh, yeah. You're looking sharp, Looney Tunes.
* Let's get some butts in these seats!
* Introducing the Goon Squad!
* Yo, King! You're about to lose your family, your friends, those Tunes, and everything you love.
* Oh, and I almost forgot, all of the Tunes will be deleted, so, pfft!
* ''[as Granny beats Chronos]'' What the AARP was that??
* ''[last words]'' Oh, this is not how I wanted to go out!

== [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]] ==
*An orphanage. of course... ''
* Sam, shoot the ball. ''[Yosemite Sam literally shoots the ball with his two guns, making the other Looney Tune characters run away. When the smoke clears, Daffy's bill, bullet-riddled, is on the other side of his head]'' Let's try that again, shall we?
* ''[sees his new 3D self in a suit]'' I look expensive.
* Well, that happened.
* I'm not a betting duck, but my money's on the other team.
* We need a boost, a pick-me-up. ''[turns his beak back on his face]'' A secret weapon.

== [[w:Lola Bunny|Lola Bunny]] ==
* We'll get your son back. I promise.
* ''[after being changed into her 3D style]'' What in the world?
* Come on, guys. The Tune Squad doesn't give up.
* I got you, Bron!
* I got hops!

== Others ==
* '''Kamiyah James:''' You gotta win this game and get our son back.

* '''Dom James:''' You never let me do what I wanna do. You never let me just… do me.

* '''Granny:''' I'm going old-school on his butt.

* '''Game Commentator 1:''' Looks like Wile E.'s in the multiplier.

* '''Foghorn Leghorn:''' ''[as he changes to his 3D style]'' I say, I say, cock-a-doodle-doo… not do that.

* '''Tweety:''' I got her! I got her! ''[gets squished by Arachnneka]'' She got me.

* '''White Mamba:''' What's up?

* '''Speedy Gonzales:''' Adios, goons!

* '''Elmer Fudd:''' Sylvester, is that you?
* '''Sylvester:''' Sufferin' succotash! What are you doing here?

* '''Granny:''' Can’t a lady check her Twitter?

== Cast ==
=== Live-Action Characters ===
* '''[[LeBron James|LeBron James — Himself]]'''
* '''[[Don Cheadle]]''' — Al-G Rhythm
* '''Cedric Joe''' — Dom James
* '''Khris Davis''' — Malik
* '''[[w:Sonequa Martin-Green|Sonequa Martin-Green]]''' — Kamiyah James

=== Character Voices ===
* '''[[w:Jeff Bergman|Jeff Bergman]]''' — [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]], [[w:Sylvester the Cat|Sylvester]], [[w:Yosemite Sam|Yosemite Sam]], [[w:Yogi Bear|Yogi Bear]], [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
* '''[[Zendaya]]''' — [[w:Lola Bunny|Lola Bunny]]
* '''[[Gabriel Iglesias|Gabriel &quot;Fluffy&quot; Iglesias]]''' — [[w:Speedy Gonzales|Speedy Gonzales]]
* '''[[w:Eric Bauza|Eric Bauza]]''' — [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]], [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]], [[w:Foghorn Leghorn|Foghorn Leghorn]], [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]], [[w:Marvin the Martian|Marvin the Martian]]
* '''[[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]]''' — [[w:Granny (Looney Tunes)|Granny]]
* '''[[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]]''' — [[w:Tweety|Tweety Bird]]
* '''[[w:Fred Tatasciore|Fred Tatasciore]]&lt;br&gt;[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Taz]]
* '''[[w:Rosario Dawson|Rosario Dawson]]''' — [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]
* '''[[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]]''' — Rick and Morty

==== Additional Voices ====
* '''[[w:Kimberly Brooks|Kimberly D. Brooks]]'''

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=3554046|title=Space Jam: A New Legacy}}

[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Looney Tunes films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about rabbits and hares]]
[[Category:Basketball films]]</text>
      <sha1>f0u0u39ebnqamz6buy1apx74li2jj52</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150612</id>
      <parentid>3150604</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T11:46:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Syahmi Syafiq</username>
        <id>3124478</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7445" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Space Jam: A New Legacy|Space Jam: A New Legacy]]''''' (in 115 minutes release in 10th Anniversary Edition on June 2031) is an American live-action/animated sports comedy film produced by the [[w:Warner Animation Group|Warner Animation Group]] and featuring [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] characters. It is a standalone sequel to 1996's ''[[Space Jam]]''. The film stars [[LeBron James as himself]], [[Don Cheadle]], Khris Davis, {{w|Sonequa Martin-Green}}, with the ''Looney Tunes'' voices of {{w|Jeff Bergman}}, {{w|Eric Bauza}}, and [[Zendaya]] as Lola.

:''Directed by [[w:Malcolm D. Lee|Malcolm D. Lee]]. Written by Juel Taylor, Tony Rettenmaier, Keenan Coogler, [[w:Terence Nance|Terence Nance]], Jesse Gordon and Celeste Ballard.''

{{film-stub}}

== [[LeBron James]] ==
* I'm a cartoon?
* I bet [[Will Smith]] ain't got to deal with this.
* What in ''[[w:The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' hell?
* ''[as [[w:Michael B. Jordan|&quot;Michael Jordan&quot;]] enters the locker room]'' Come on, man, that's Michael B. Jordan. The actor.
* Aahhh! I'm shorter than [[w:Kevin Hart|Kevin Hart]]!
* I need to assemble an elite team to help get my son back.
* I'm [[w:Robin (character)|Robin]]?!
* I've been coaching y'all this whole time! Sylvester over here getting the wrong MJ, Granny's out here having a martini on halftime, and Taz might as well be playing for the other team!
* ''[Sees The Brow from Goon Squad]'' Dang, what did they do to my man, [[w:Anthony Davis|A.D.]]?
* I like to remind myself who I'm playing for. My family. And right now, it's all about Dom.
* ''[remembering the words Dom said to him]'' &quot;You never let me just… do me.&quot;
* Bugs… Time to do what you guys do best.
* ''[happily; to Bugs, who ended up in the real world]'' It's good to see you, buddy.

== [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] ==
* ''[repeated line; to LeBron]'' What's up, doc?
* You need a dream team.
* What brings you to Tune World, doc?
* So, you want me, a talking cartoon bunny, to play with you, an NBA superstar, in a high-stakes basketball game? ''[To the camera]'' [[w:Space Jam|Sounds awfully familiar]]
* ''[after Al-G changes the Tunes from 2D to 3D]'' Al-G...THIS MEANS WAR.
* If we're going out, we're going out Looney!
* It's on.

== Al-G Rhythm ==
* Welcome, King James. I am the king of this domain.
* I'm Al-G Rhythm. And as you might have guessed, I'm an algorithm here at Warner Bros. The studio behind all the classics. But now, it's time for our greatest creation yet, Warner 3000. This will revolutionize the entire entertainment industry, and we want you to be on our team, King James. Now, we know you're busy, but we can make it very easy for you. Because our brand new Warner 3000 technology will scan you right into the movies. Oh, it's like looking into a mirror, huh, LeBron? Think about it, ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice|Batman vs. LeBron]]''. ''[[Game of Thrones|LeBron of Thrones]]''. ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|LeBron and the Chamber of Secrets]]''. The possibilities are endless. You'll be the king of Warner Bros. That's the power of Warner 3000. Say yes, LeBron, and together, we'll make mind-blowing entertainment forever.
* This is the Warner Bros. Serververse.
* The only way you're getting your son back is if you and I play a little basketball.
* Pete, send this clown to the rejects.
* Welcome to the Space Jam!
* ''[from trailer]'' Whoo!
* Well, if it isn't the old-news Looney Tunes. Looking just as washed up as ever. You know what? I think it’s time for an upgrade. ''[upgrades the Looney Tunes into their 3D styles]'' Oh, they’re alive! Alive! Oh, yeah. You're looking sharp, Looney Tunes.
* Let's get some butts in these seats!
* Introducing the Goon Squad!
* Yo, King! You're about to lose your family, your friends, those Tunes, and everything you love.
* Oh, and I almost forgot, all of the Tunes will be deleted, so, pfft!
* ''[as Granny beats Chronos]'' What the AARP was that??
* ''[last words]'' Oh, this is not how I wanted to go out!

== [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]] ==
*An orphanage. of course... ''
* Sam, shoot the ball. ''[Yosemite Sam literally shoots the ball with his two guns, making the other Looney Tune characters run away. When the smoke clears, Daffy's bill, bullet-riddled, is on the other side of his head]'' Let's try that again, shall we?
* ''[sees his new 3D self in a suit]'' I look expensive.
* Well, that happened.
* I'm not a betting duck, but my money's on the other team.
* We need a boost, a pick-me-up. ''[turns his beak back on his face]'' A secret weapon.

== [[w:Lola Bunny|Lola Bunny]] ==
* We'll get your son back. I promise.
* ''[after being changed into her 3D style]'' What in the world?
* Come on, guys. The Tune Squad doesn't give up.
* I got you, Bron!
* I got hops!

== Others ==
* '''Kamiyah James:''' You gotta win this game and get our son back.

* '''Dom James:''' You never let me do what I wanna do. You never let me just… do me.

* '''Granny:''' I'm going old-school on his butt.

* '''Game Commentator 1:''' Looks like Wile E.'s in the multiplier.

* '''Foghorn Leghorn:''' ''[as he changes to his 3D style]'' I say, I say, cock-a-doodle-doo… not do that.

* '''Tweety:''' I got her! I got her! ''[gets squished by Arachnneka]'' She got me.

* '''White Mamba:''' What's up?

* '''Speedy Gonzales:''' Adios, goons!

* '''Elmer Fudd:''' Sylvester, is that you?
* '''Sylvester:''' Sufferin' succotash! What are you doing here?

* '''Granny:''' Can’t a lady check her Twitter?

== Cast ==
=== Live-Action Characters ===
* '''[[LeBron James|LeBron James — Himself]]'''
* '''[[Don Cheadle]]''' — Al-G Rhythm
* '''Cedric Joe''' — Dom James
* '''Khris Davis''' — Malik
* '''[[w:Sonequa Martin-Green|Sonequa Martin-Green]]''' — Kamiyah James

=== Character Voices ===
* '''[[w:Jeff Bergman|Jeff Bergman]]''' — [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]], [[w:Sylvester the Cat|Sylvester]], [[w:Yosemite Sam|Yosemite Sam]], [[w:Yogi Bear|Yogi Bear]], [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
* '''[[Zendaya]]''' — [[w:Lola Bunny|Lola Bunny]]
* '''[[Gabriel Iglesias|Gabriel &quot;Fluffy&quot; Iglesias]]''' — [[w:Speedy Gonzales|Speedy Gonzales]]
* '''[[w:Eric Bauza|Eric Bauza]]''' — [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]], [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]], [[w:Foghorn Leghorn|Foghorn Leghorn]], [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]], [[w:Marvin the Martian|Marvin the Martian]]
* '''[[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]]''' — [[w:Granny (Looney Tunes)|Granny]]
* '''[[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]]''' — [[w:Tweety|Tweety Bird]]
* '''[[w:Fred Tatasciore|Fred Tatasciore]]&lt;br&gt;[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — [[w:Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)|Taz]]
* '''[[w:Rosario Dawson|Rosario Dawson]]''' — [[w:Wonder Woman|Wonder Woman]]
* '''[[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]]''' — Rick and Morty

==== Additional Voices ====
* '''[[w:Kimberly Brooks|Kimberly D. Brooks]]'''

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{IMDb title|id=3554046|title=Space Jam: A New Legacy}}

[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:Looney Tunes films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films about rabbits and hares]]
[[Category:Basketball films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>11.22.63</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>239874</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150574</id>
      <parentid>3146919</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T04:09:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
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      <text bytes="16748" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:11.22.63|11.22.63]]''''' is a 2016 English-language streaming television drama miniseries about a teacher from 2016 going back in time to prevent the assassination of US President John F. Kennedy.
:''Directed by James Franco, Fred Toye, John David Coles, James Kent, and Kevin Macdonald. Executive produced by Macdonald, Bryan Burk, Bridget Carpenter, Stephen King, and J. J. Abrams, based on the [[w:11/22/63|book of the same name]] by Stephen King.''

=== ''The Rabbit Hole'' [1.1] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 7 for 80 mins--&gt;
:''[Jake has just been through the time portal and came back from 1960, and demands why Al sent him there]''
:'''Jake Epping''': Al, why did you show this to me?
:'''Al Templeton''': I need you to do what I couldn't. I need you to go back there to prevent the assassination of John F. Kennedy. You heard about the butterfly effect?
:'''Jake''': Yeah.
:'''Al''': All right. Do you think that if JFK lived, Robert Kennedy would've run for president, seriously? 
:'''Jake''': It's doubtful.
:'''Al''': So, if [[Robert F. Kennedy Jr.|Bobby]] doesn't run, that means no [[w:Sirhan Sirhan|Sirhan Sirhan]] at the Ambassador Hotel in 1968. Save JFK, save his brother. And that's what I mean about the butterfly effect. Then there's Vietnam.
:'''Jake''': Uh, okay, so if you save JFK, then there's no Vietnam?
:'''Al''': Johnson was the one who escalated everything in 'Nam. If Kennedy had survived, no way does that escalation continue. Those boys...would've lived.
:'''Jake''': Al, I get it, but changing the past to make it how you think it should be just seems...
:'''Al''': You think Vietnam unfolded exactly as it should have, that recent American history was just hunky-dory?
:'''Jake''': Saving JFK is a theory. You don't know what it's gonna change!
:'''Al''': You know what I know? You save Kennedy's life, you make the world a better place. God damn it!
:'''Jake''': Al.
:'''Al''': Don't you want to do any fucking thing that matters?
:'''Jake''': I'm just saying you don't have any proof. You don't know that what you do in the past is gonna change anything here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sen. John F. Kennedy addresses the Democratic Party convention in Dallas, Texas]''
:'''John F. Kennedy''': We cannot promise a solution to the problems which disturb our lives, but we can promise that if we are successful, we shall move with vigor and vitality on the problems which disturb us here and around the world. Thomas Paine... Thomas Paine, in the revolution of 1776, said that the cause of America is the cause of all mankind. I think in the revolution of 1960 that the cause of all mankind is the cause of America. And as we move ahead, we think not only of the City of Dallas and the City of Boston, the State of Massachusetts and the State of Texas, the United States. We think of all those who wish to join us in a great effort around the world to maintain their freedom and maintain the peace. We ask your help in this campaign. Give us your voice. Give us your help. Join with us in this effort to move this country ahead.
=== ''The Kill Floor'' [1.2] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 4 for 54 mins--&gt;
:''[just before Jake attempts to enter the Dunning house to save the family, he remembers what Al said about the past pushing back]''
:'''Jake Epping''': Al, I've got a question. What's this thing about the past doesn't want to be changed? Like, it pushes back? How do you know?
:'''Al Templeton''': You feel it. When I first started going through the rabbit hole, I saw a news story about a girl in Lisbon who got shot and crippled in a random hunting accident, and I thought, &quot;Hell, there's no harm. Let me try to keep this from happening.&quot; And every time I tried, something would come up. I'd get a flat tire, a fender bender, a little tree in the road. Lost count of the times I tried. I know it sounds strange, like mysticism or some horseshit, but things would happen, and they were both random and, oh... not random at all. Violent. 
:'''Jake''': Are you sure? I mean, don't you think we see what we want to see? 
:'''Al''': Listen, I didn't have cancer before I went in.
:'''Jake''': You... are you telling me that the past gave you cancer?
:'''Al''': All I can tell you is I got a full check-up the month before my last trip, and nothing was wrong with me.
=== ''Other Voices, Other Rooms'' [1.3] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 4 for 47 mins--&gt;
:''[Edwin Walker addresses a Sisters of Southern Heritage convention, with applause on certain parts]''
:'''General Edwin Walker''': The values our fathers died for, our grandfathers bled for, all the ideals the [[w:United Daughters of the Confederacy|Sisters of Southern Heritage]] stand for, are being trampled underfoot by the Kennedys. John and his little brother Bobby don't appreciate how the poll tax preserves Southern culture. I'm free to name the Civil Rights movement the Communist conspiracy it is. And now the Kennedys want to integrate the University of Mississippi. Are we going to stop them?
:'''Audience''': Yeah!
:'''Walker''': Will you come with me to Mississippi to [[w:Ole_Miss_riot_of_1962|stop 'em]]?
:'''Audience''': Yes!
:'''Walker''': It's time to move. We have talked, listened, and been pushed around far too much by the Antichrist Supreme Court. Rise. It's now or never!!! ''[everybody cheers]''
=== ''The Eyes of Texas'' [1.4] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 4 for 53 mins--&gt;
:''[At the school music room, Jake plays &quot;Gymnopedie no. 1&quot;]''
:'''Sadie Dunhill''': Howdy, stranger. ''[continues playing piano]'' 
:'''Jake Amberson''': You know, they say, &quot;Smart is the new sexy.&quot;
:'''Sadie''': I don't know anyone who says that.
:'''Jake''': ''[sits beside her]'' Oh. Well... I say it. Don't worry. Everyone's gone. Do you know anything... more uplifting?
:'''Sadie''': Not really, I'm just learning.
:'''Jake''':  Oh. How about this? ''[clears throat and sings with the keys]'' [[w:I_Saw_Her_Standing_There|How could I dance with another]]... Ooh ''[Sadie laughs]'' When I saw you standing there?
:'''Sadie''': That's catchy.
:'''Jake''': Yeah.
:'''Sadie''': You make that up?
:'''Jake''': Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just me and my mates, [[The Beatles|John, Paul, George, and Ringo]].
:'''Sadie''': Your mates?
:'''Jake''': Umm, yeah, my imaginary friends.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Miz Mimi turns up at Jake and Bill's Dallas apartment, and talks to Jake about discovering his fake academic credentials]''
:'''Jake Amberson''': You're right, I haven't been telling the truth. Well, not all of it. My real name is Jake Epping. I was given the name Amberson by the FBI when I went into [[w:United_States_Federal_Witness_Protection_Program|witness protection]].
:'''Miz Mimi''': Witness protection?
:'''Jake''': Yes, in 1959, I turned over state's evidence for a case against the Mafia.
:'''Miz''': What is the Mafia?
:'''Jake''': The Mafia. [[w:American_Mafia|Italian-American organized crime syndicate]].
:'''Miz''': What did you witness?
:'''Jake''': Well... I had this friend, Fredo, and his brother Michael had him killed on a fishing trip in Lake Tahoe. In return for my testimony, the FBI gave me a new identity. They set me up in Jodie, a place nobody would ever look for me. And Bill and I just keep this place as a backup. You know, just in case they try to pull me back in.
:'''Miz''': I see. If you were revealed to be an impostor in the school, it would devastate this community.
:'''Jake''': Yeah.
:'''Miz''': I won't say anything about it.
:'''Jake''': Thank you.
:'''Miz''': It's wrong to conceal things from those you care for.
:'''Jake''': What... what are you saying? I-I should tell Sadie?
:'''Miz''': If I discovered this about you, anyone can. When you refuse to tell people the truth, Mr. Amberson, you deny them their dignity. And for some of us, dignity matters.
&lt;!--=== ''The Truth'' [1.5] ===
LOQ 4 for 44 mins
=== ''Happy Birthday Lee Harvey Oswald'' [1.6] ===
LOQ 4 for 48 mins--&gt;
=== ''Soldier Boy'' [1.7] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 5 for 50 mins--&gt;
:''[Lee Harvey Oswald visits the Dallas FBI office, wanting to see Agent Hosty over Jake and Bill's surveillance operation, which he thinks was run by the FBI - and when the receptionist gives him the runaround...]''
:'''Lee Harvey Oswald''': What was your name?
:'''Receptionist''': Mrs. Emily Baker.
:'''Oswald''': I am making a note of that. &quot;Was very rude to a former Marine who served his country valiantly.&quot; On November 12, 1963, at 1100 hours, I delivered to you a document of the utmost importance for Agent Hosty. My expectation is that you will deliver it forthwith. Don't you want to log this officially? ''[Mrs Baker blankly looks at him]'' Fine. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[to pass the time between the late hours of November 21 and the morning of November 22, Jake and Sadie park at a loading dock complex not far from Dealey Plaza, but some things are brought up]''
:'''Sadie Dunhill''': Do you miss anything?
:'''Jake Amberson''': About what? The future?
:'''Sadie''': Anything you looking forward to getting back to?
:'''Jake''': Sneakers. Sneakers are definitely better.
:'''Sadie''': Sneakers?
:'''Jake''': Tennis shoes. In the future, they are great. High-tech fabrics, better construction.
:'''Sadie''': And what about people? Friends? Family?
:'''Jake''': No, I mean, I should, but... I don't. It's like I met all those people here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jake is shook at the Yellow-Card Man's revelations of how he himself failed to avert his own daughter's accidental drowning, and wakes up talking to Sadie]''
:'''Jake''': Sadie... what if we let history happen? Just drive away? We could forget all this and get a house in Jodie with a big yard, big enough for a swing set and tree house, and you can rule the high school library and... I'll be the cranky old English teacher, and we can chaperone every dance. We'll have four kids. We can wear matching sweaters like old people do. You and me. What do you say?
:'''Sadie''': We can't.
:'''Jake''': Why?
:'''Sadie''': You came here for a reason, Jake. Now it's my reason too.

=== ''The Day in Question'' [1.8] ===
&lt;!--LOQ 5 for 59 mins--&gt;
:''[Jake is sent to the Dallas police HQ, under questioning by the DPD police chief Capt Will Fritz and FBI Agent James Hosty]''
:'''Jake''': I went there to stop Oswald because he was attempting...
:'''FBI Agent James Hosty''': No, no, no, no. I heard that. We can speak freely now.
:'''Jake''': What does that mean?
:'''Hosty''': I want the name of your handler. Give up the man who put you in play and I can get you out of the spot you're in.
:'''Jake''': I don't have a handler. I'm not a spy.
:'''Hosty''': Jake, false identity, two houses in different cities minutes apart, a partner who you call your brother, who isn't, who committed suicide after you put him away under a false name, a murder in Jodie... This girl's husband...
:'''Jake''': Her name was Sadie.
:'''Hosty''': Right. Should I, uh, proceed to the part where you have no identity at all prior to 1960?
:'''Jake''': Should I proceed to the part where your superior's gonna come in here and tell you to burn that letter that Oswald wrote to you two days ago? ''[Hosty reacts]'' And what did it say? That he was gonna do something to change the world?
:'''Hosty''': The FBI gets crazy letters every day.
:'''Jake''': No, you're covering your ass because Kennedy was almost shot in the street on Hoover's watch, and you should've known about it. Or did you know about it, and you just didn't take it seriously? Is that what happened?
:'''Hosty''': That's a nice theory. Try this one on. Jake Amberson, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Sadie Dunhill. Three Russian-sponsored assassins living in the same Dallas apartment building are called to action the day Kennedy's motorcade route is announced. An FBI sharpshooter stops the attack. In the ensuing confusion, two of the Russian spies are killed, but one remains to stand trial. That's you, Mr. Amberson... Epping.
:'''Jake''': Doesn't even make sense. Oswald was killed with his own rifle.
:'''Hosty''': Oh, I'm not gonna let a little thing like ballistics get in the way of the truth. People love JFK. The American people need to know who to blame. It's an easy conviction.
:'''Jake''': Mm. Talk about blame... You put me on the stand, I'm gonna talk about Oswald and the FBI. I'll give 'em some details about Hoover's surveillance of JFK and his mob mistress. Then we could go on to [[Marilyn Monroe]] and Bobby. I mean, you are spying on Robert Kennedy, right?
:'''Hosty''': You are not making this any easier.
:'''Jake''': Look at me. I didn't try to kill the President. 
:'''Hosty''': I know. I don't care.
:'''FBI Agent''': Agent Hosty.
:'''Hosty''': Sir...
:'''Jake''': Is that your superior? Right on time.
:'''FBI Agent''': ''[whispering to Hosty]'' Under no circumstance is that letter to ever see daylight. You understand? You burn it. Are you clear on how you are to proceed?
:'''Hosty''': Yes, sir.
:'''FBI Agent''': Good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jake is sent to another room]''
:'''Jake Amberson''': Hello?
:'''White House Operator''': Hold for the President.
:'''US President [[John F. Kennedy]]''': Mr. Amberson, Jack Kennedy here. The Secret Service tells me that, uh, my wife and I, uh, owe you our lives. Thank you. 
:'''Jake''': You're welcome, sir.
:'''President Kennedy''': The First Lady would like to speak with you. 
:'''Jake''': All right. 
:'''First Lady [[Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis|Jackie Kennedy]]''': Mr. Amberson?
:'''Jake''': Yes, ma'am.
:'''Jackie''': I don't know how to say this, but I had a feeling that something terrible could've happened today. Thanks to you, it didn't.
:'''Jake''': Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.
:'''Jackie''': I know that you lost your fiancée. I'm so sorry.
:'''Jake''': Thank you.
:'''Jackie''': God bless you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the dark version of 2016, Jake chances upon Harry Dunning, who brings him to his shelter. Jake asks about a picture of the Dunnings]''
:'''Harry Dunning''': I think you know.
:'''Jake Epping''': What do you mean?
:'''Harry''': You came back. It was you who saved me and my family in 1960. You killed my dad. I remember you. I knew I'd see you again. I thought you'd be fucking old. You an angel?
:'''Jake''': No. No. I just... when did... When did everything change? ''[Sighs]'' Just answer me... answer me one thing. What... Was John F. Kennedy reelected in 1964?
:'''Harry''': What the fuck you want to know about Kennedy for?
:'''Jake''': I just do.
:'''Harry''': He was president two times before Wallace.
:'''Jake''': Wallace? George Wallace was President? What... what about Vietnam? Was there a Vietnam War?
:'''Harry''': No. 
:'''Jake''': And Robert Kennedy, was he... was he killed in 1968?
:'''Harry''': I don't think so.
:'''Jake''': 9/11. Does that mean anything to you? ''[Harry blankly stares at him]'' What did Kennedy do when he was president? Anything good?
:'''Harry''': Oh, you talking about the camps?
:'''Jake''': The camps?
:'''Harry''': I took my mama and my brother and sister to a Kennedy refugee camp back in '75. After the first bombings, we didn't have no place else to go. The camps were bad places. Bad things happened there. Ellen got taken away, and Tugga joined the militia when he was 15. I never seen him again. When Mama died of the flu, I just ran away.
:'''Jake''': Why were... why were they called &quot;Kennedy camps&quot;?
:'''Harry''': 'Cause he founded 'em when he wasn't President anymore after the riots and the... and the bombs.
:'''Jake''': Uh, I don't understand. I thought JFK would've made things better.
:'''Harry''': You don't understand this world.
:'''Jake''': I wanted to make a difference. That's why I did all this.
:'''Harry''': My mother, my... My whole family... ''[Sighs]'' Why'd you save us?
:'''Jake''': I wanted to help you. Yo... your father... I wish...
:'''Harry''': He wasn't a... he was my dad.
:'''Jake''': Yeah. Yeah. I never thought that everything would get so screwed up. I have to reset it. 
:'''Harry''': Reset what?
:'''Jake''': Everything. I have to go. Bye, Harry.  

== Cast ==
* [[James Franco]] - Jake Epping / Jake Amberson
* [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] - Al Templeton
* [[Sarah Gadon]] - Sadie Dunhill
* [[Lucy Fry]] - [[w:Marina Oswald Porter|Marina Oswald]]
* [[w:George MacKay (actor)|George MacKay]] - Bill Turcotte
* [[w:Daniel Webber (actor)|Daniel Webber]] - [[w:Lee Harvey Oswald|Lee Harvey Oswald]]
* Gil Bellows - Agent James Hosty
* Tonya Pinkins - Mimi &quot;Miz Mimi&quot; Corcoran

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|11.22.63}}
* {{IMDb title|2879552}}

{{Media based on Stephen King works}}
 
[[Category:Hulu shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]
[[Category:Historical dramas]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
[[Category:Documentary television series and miniseries]]
[[Category:Time travel TV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Casagrandes/Season 3</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>240843</id>
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      <id>3150473</id>
      <parentid>3150046</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:01:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Wrust Job (16.1) */</comment>
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----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week?

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===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <id>3150475</id>
      <parentid>3150473</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:04:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Episode 16 */</comment>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?

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===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>mm33bg3rpl8d9me1njwv1ijju1rmk6m</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150483</id>
      <parentid>3150475</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:09:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Wrust Job (16.1) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="40537" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>1r44k1adby0epgbhq278yfpvq81szsq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150490</id>
      <parentid>3150483</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:21:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Wrust Job (16.1) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="40904" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared (except Lalo who's still at the mercado)]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>mk5tg8tzp0i8tbodl9gdxmqewjwklls</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150491</id>
      <parentid>3150490</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:24:46Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:C361:A40:401A:2148:B3A0:2586</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Wrust Job (16.1) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="41251" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----------------
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
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==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared (except Lalo who's still at the mercado)]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:25:38Z</timestamp>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
---------------
==Episode 1==

===''Bend It Like Abuelo (1.1)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne, Sergio, and CJ''': Gatos, Gatos, Gatos, Gatos!
:'''Rosa''': ''[bursts into the mercado with a broomstick]'' Gatos?! Where, where?!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not ''real'' cats, Abuela. ''[points to the orange team banner]'' The soccer team!
:'''Rosa''': Oh. Well, when those ''real'' gatos get here, I'll be ready. ''[leaves the mercado]''
:'''Vito''': I don't know what you's are so excited about. Everyone knows the gatos lose every game.
:'''Hector''': This is not just a game. ''[rips off his sweater, revealing a gato t-shirt]'' It's the Crosslake Championship!
:'''Vito''': ''[mockingly]'' Oh. So they're gonna be big losers! I've got my money on anyone who's ''not'' The Gatos. ''[rips off his own shirt, revealing a t-shirt with a &quot;No&quot; sign covering the team logo]''
:'''Hector''': ''[aghast; comes from behind the counter and bumps Vito]'' Just wait. Our star player, Picosito, is gonna win this year. When he's hot, ay-yi-yi, he's hot!
:'''Vito''': Too bad he's been ice cold for years.

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:'''Hector''': I'm never washing my head again!
:'''Rosa''': When did you start?

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===''Bunstoppable (1.2)''===

:''[Stanley is telling Sid, Adelaide, Breakfast Bot, and the three pets a story about their ancestors in a book]''
:'''Stanley''': ''[narrating the story]'' ''Once upon a time, thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in Clear Water Village. They farmed the land and enjoyed a peaceful life, until one day, the village was attacked by the infamous Han Family Bandits!'' ''[imitating the bandits]'' ''&quot;Hand over all your food or we will destroy your village!&quot;''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh, no! And then they destroyed it?
:'''Sid''': Shh! Dad's getting to that! Dad, can you get to that?
:'''Stanley''': As I was saying, our calm wise, ''and very handsome Ancestor Chang,'' who some say looks a lot like me…
:'''Adelaide''': Focus, Dad!
:'''Stanley''': ''[clears throat]'' He realized that the Han family's hunger had driven them to a life of crime. So, he offered them a challenge. ''If he gave them something more delicious than anything they'd ever tasted, they'd have to spare the village. The bandits scoffed, but then Ancestor Chang gave them his goldfish bao, it delighted their eyes, filled their stomachs, and energized their bodies! The bandits lost the challenge! The Han family was so moved, that they gave up their evil ways and became the protectors of Clear Water Village.'' And ''that's'' the story of how this bao recipe saved the day. ''[holds up a goldfish bao, which sparkles]'' It's been passed down through our family for generations.
:'''All''': Ooh!
:'''Stanley''': ''[to his daughters]'' And now, it's time for me to pass the recipe down to ''you'' two, so you can make bao for the Chinese Cultural Fair today. ''[sniffles a bit with tears streaming down from his eyes]'' My little buns, making their first buns!
:'''Sid''': ''[patting her father on the back; touched]'' Aw, Dad.

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:'''Stanley''': I gotta go to the park and snag the best spot before Mike Liu gets there. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, and I'm gonna need you to make 800 bao just like those two.
:'''Sid''': ''[chuckles weakly]'' It sounded like he said eight hundred.
:'''Stanley''': I did. Better get started. See you at the park. ''[leaves again]''
:'''Adelaide''': But it took us forever to make ''two!''
:'''Sid''': ''[whining]'' At this rate, we'll be Dad's age by the time we finish! There ''HAS'' to be a better way! ''[gets an idea]'' That's it!

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:'''Vito''': ''[while Hui warms up his nunchucks]'' Oh, bunch of tough guys, huh? ''[starts swinging his linked sausage nunchucks around, but manages to snare himself]'' Is it over? Did I win?
:'''Maybelle''': ''[while wrestling with Woo over her grocery bag]'' You ain't gettin' these mangoes! ''[kicks Woo away]''

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==Episode 2==

===''Squawk in the Name of Love (2.1)''===

:''[Carl and Adelaide find Sergio laying on the couch, bawling in tears while binging ice cream]''
:'''Adelaide''': Are you okay, Sergio?
:'''Sergio''': Priscilla dumped me…''AGAIN!'' ''[sobbing]''
:'''Adelaide''': Oh. I'm so sorry, Sergio.
:'''Carl''': You guys break up all the time. Just find a new girlfriend. There's plenty of birds in the sky.
:'''Sergio''': I tried. Total fail. ''[Flashback to the moments of him trying to get a new girlfriend bird]'' One had terrible manners. ''[The female pelican launches a fish at him and he falls off]'' One just didn't listen. ''[holds up his phone showing a photo of Ronnie Anne to an owl]'' And for the fifth time, this is Ronnie Anne. ''[The owl hoots and he face palms himself; then seen having a dinner date with a female eagle]'' One was too aggressive. So, you like smaller birds? ''[The female eagle caws and picks him up and flies off into the sky; fading back to present]'' None lived up to sweet Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': Why did she dump you?
:'''Sergio''': No idea. ''[holds up his phone, showing them a photo of Priscilla annoyingly massaging his feet]'' Look at all the fun we had together. This is her giving me a foot massage, ''[scrolls down to another photo of them at Sancho's place]'' this is us at Sancho's watching the game, ''[scrolls to another photo of her massaging his feet while still at Sancho's]'' this is her giving me a foot massage ''while'' watching the game.
:'''Adelaide''': She looks miserable!
:'''Sergio''': Nah. That's just her resting ostrich face. ''[scrolls to a photo of Priscilla]''
:'''Adelaide''': It's clear what the problem is. You didn't treat her like a princess. It's okay, I can teach you how to act like a prince and win her back.
:'''Sergio''': I'm not so sure.
:''[The female eagle caws from outside the window, staring deadly at Sergio]''
:'''Carl''': Look, the eagle's back for a second day!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[with a bump on his head and a black eye, after getting hit by a microphone, via, thrown by Priscilla]'' And then she threw the microphone at me!
:'''Adelaide''': Sounds like you deserved it. I'm up for you to write a song about Priscilla, and how you feel about her.
:'''Sergio''': Ohhh.
:'''Adelaide''': What if you surprised her with a delicious picnic?
:'''Sergio''': Yeah. She'll love it. I'll get her a ''real'' feast.

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:'''Adelaide''': Bow and kiss the queen's hand, then say the following.
:'''Sergio''': Frank, Estelle, it is truly an honor. ''[kisses Estelle's foot, much to her approval]''
:'''Adelaide''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside lovely Priscilla.
:'''Sergio''': Your daughter is my everything. I want to spend every waking breath beside ugly Priscilla.
:'''Adelaide''': I said lovely, you dope!
:'''Sergio''': ''[stammering]'' I said lovely, you dope! Uh, I mean, you're so dope. High five. What?
:'''Adelaide''': The moment I laid my eyes on her, I said to myself… ''[starts hitting the radio as it starts crackling and randomly plays country music]''
:'''Sergio''': ''[starts square dancing]'' Yee-haw! You're listening to GLC's number one country station.

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:'''Adelaide''': ''[fighting with Nico as he plays along with the radio]'' Uh… Not now, you monkey!
:'''Sergio''': Uh… ''[snapping]'' NOT NOW, YOU MONKEY!

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:'''Adelaide''': Aww, so sweet. And they lived happily ever after. Now, if I could just get out of this tree.

===''Date with Destiny (2.2)''===

:'''Ernesto''': ''Buenos dias, mis estrellitas.'' Today, I am talking about the water sign.
:'''Rosa''': Oh, Maria, that's you.
:'''Ernesto''': A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…
:'''Rosa, Ronnie Anne, and Bobby''': If…
:'''Ernesto''': You're back with your ex by tonight. ''Es tu destino!''
:'''Rosa''': Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.
:'''Maria''': Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.
:'''Carlos''': Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… ''[flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out]'' I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.
:'''Hector''': Money in the bathroom?! ''[dashes into the bathroom]''

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:'''Maria''': Well, Ernesto's prediction for me can't possibly come true. I won't even be seeing Arturo today. I'm helping Frida with an art project all day, and Arturo is flying off to a medical convention in an hour. ''[walks away]''
:'''Rosa''': Trust me, ''mis niños,'' Ernesto's predictions ''always'' come true.
:'''Bobby''': What if Ernesto ''is'' right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom and Dad are ''not'' getting back together. ''Are'' they?
:'''Bobby''': If they did, it would mean a lifetime of happiness for all of us!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess it's worth a shot. All we have to do is get them together by tonight and let the magic happen.
:'''Rosa''': ''[pops up between them]'' You know, your mom and dad had their first date at the pier, so maybe if they met there.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Good idea, Abuela! I'll pick Mom up from the gallery. You stop Dad from getting on that plane.

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:''[Ronnie Anne arrives at Frida's art studio, looking for her mother]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[looking around]'' Mom! Mom, are you here?
:'''Maria''': ''[in a large orange piñata statue]'' Ronnie Anne, is that you?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, what happened to you?
:'''Maria''': Frida. When I agreed to do this life-size mold for her art installation, I didn't expect to be in plaster for four hours.

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:''[Bobby runs up to Arturo's place as he puts his suitcase in the taxi trunk]''
:'''Arturo''': Bobby, what are you doing here? I'm just on my way to the airport.
:'''Bobby''': In a taxi? No, that's so impersonal. Let your son drive you.
:'''Arturo''': No, ''mijo.'' It's okay. I don't want to be a bother.
:'''Bobby''': It's no bother. And these taxis charge an arm and a leg to get to the airport.
:''[The taxi driver clears his throat]''
:'''Arturo''': My company's paying for it.

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Oh, no. We didn't do all this work just so another ex could swoop in and ruin everything!
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, let that T-Bone find his ''own'' lifetime of happiness!
:'''T-Bone''': Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at our place?
:'''Bobby''': They have a place?!
:'''Maria''': ''[blushing]'' You remember the pizza place? I'll meet you there tonight at 7:00. I better go freshen up. ''[rushes off]''
:'''Ernesto''': You better fix this ''rapido'' or you're gonna be stuck with ''this'' guy!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': We have to get rid of T-Bone and get Dad to the restaurant.
:'''Bobby''': I'll grab Dad and meet you there!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': Mom, Dad, are you okay?
:'''Arturo''': Mijo, what's gotten into you?!
:'''Bobby''': ''We'' did all of this work to get you two here, so we can ''all'' have a lifetime of happiness! You're not leaving here until you get back together again, just like Ernesto said.
:'''Maria''': So ''that's'' what this is about.
:'''Arturo''': Huh? Can someone tell me what's going on?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs]'' Ernesto Estrella predicted you guys would get back together tonight. Hearing it out loud now, it does kind of sound silly, huh?
:'''Maria''': ''[as she and Arturo smile at each other]'' I don't think it was silly. I mean, we are together tonight.
:'''Arturo''': Just not romantically.
:'''Bobby''': ''[disappointed]'' Yeah, but, it's just one dumb night. Not a lifetime.
:'''Maria''': But we'll be a family for a lifetime.
:''[The Santiagos all come in for a group hug]''
:'''Arturo''': And, hey, what if we made it a regular thing? A family pizza night every month.
:'''Ernesto''': And BOOM! A lifetime of happiness after all. Ernesto is the best-o! Estrella out!

==''Curse of the Candy Goblin (Episode 3)''==


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==Episode 4==

===''Skaters Gonna Hate (4.1)''===
:'''Sergio''': Hey, Carlos, who you spying on?
:'''Carlos''': How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.
:'''Sergio''': You mean, ''cheating?''
:'''Carlos''': I am ''not'' cheating! It's called, ''[shouting]'' RESEARCH!

===''Born to be Mild (4.2)''===

:'''Carl''': What was that all about?
:'''Alexis''': Oh, the usual. ''[cleans out his tuba]'' Ricky and Julius picking on me like they do ''every'' day.
:'''Carl''': Dude, you let them do this you ''every'' day? Why?
:'''Alexis''': What choice do I have? I'm a hugger, not a fighter.
:'''Carl''': Well, good luck with that.

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:'''Alexis''': ''[on the stilts]'' Carl, what am I doing up here? ''[loses his balance]''
:'''Carl''': It's all about attitude! ''[on one of the stilts] ''We're building up your confidence.''
:'''Alexis''': By walking on stilts?
:'''Carl''': It's an exercise. If you want to feel big you gotta act big!

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:'''Sergio''': You messed with the ''wrong'' tuba boy! ''[munches on his nails, sharpening them]''

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:'''Principal Valenzuela''': What is going on here?!
:'''Carl''': Hey, Principal Valenzuela. So, funny story--
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sharply]'' My office, now! ''[Later in her office]'' Okay, start talking. Who started this and why?
:'''Carl, Alexis, Ricky and Julius''': They did!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Then you're ''all'' going to be suspended!
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' What?!
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' Aw, man!
:'''Alexis''': Does that mean I ''can't'' go to band practice? ''[starts to cry]''
:'''Carl''': Wait, it was my fault! Don't suspend Alexis! Suspend ''me!'' I wanted him to fight. I thought if he stood up for himself, he wouldn't get picked on anymore.
:'''Alexis''': It's not all Carl's fault. He was just trying to help me, and he's right. I ''do'' need to stand up for myself. I just have to do it in my own way. ''[to Ricky and Julius]'' I really don't like when you guys put weird things in my tuba. It's hard to clean, and it always sounds bad afterwards.
:'''Ricky''': But I like the funny sounds. ''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat as she seriously looks at both him and Julius; in unison]'' We're sorry.
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' We won't do it again.
:'''Alexis''': Great! So, now can we hug it out?
:'''Julius''': ''[in unison]'' Oh.
:'''Ricky''': ''[in unison]'' What's a hug?
:''[Principal Valenzuela clears her throat again and grumbles]''
:'''Julius''': ''[sighs]'' Sure.
:''[Alexis hugs both Ricky and Julius together, they all glow in shimmering gold]''
:'''Ricky''': I like hugs!
:'''Julius''': Me too!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Since you used your words to resolve this, no suspension this time. Bravo, boys. ''[The four boys start leaving her office, to Alexis for a second]'' One last thing, Mr. Flores. Are the rumors true? Did you really revenge-poop on a pigeon? ''[whispers]'' All the teachers are dying to know.
:'''Alexis''': ''[shrugs]'' Maybe, maybe not. ''[leaves]''
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[closes her office door]'' Sorry, ladies. I can't confirm ''or'' deny the rumors.
:''[Ms. Galiano snaps her fingers in disbelief]''

==Episode 5==

===''The Bros in the Band (5.1)''===


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===''For the Record (5.2)''===


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==Episode 6==

===''15 Candles (6.1)''===


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===''Rook, Line, &amp; Sinker (6.2)''===
:''[Chavez Academy School; Carl and his parents are waiting in Principal Valenzuela's office]''
:'''Frida''': So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?
:'''Carl''': Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.
:'''Frida and Carlos''': Hmm.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[enters her office]'' Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande… ''[annoyed]'' Carl, unfortunately, this ''isn't'' good news.
:'''Frida''': So he ''didn't'' win best smile?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!
:''[Frida and Carlos glare at their mijo]''
:'''Carl''': Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Just one time, huh? ''[opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him, much to his parents' horror]''
:'''Carl''': I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': That is not what I meant!
:'''Carlos''': We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.
:'''Frida''': Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)
:'''Carl''': ''[licking out a pudding cup, not listening]'' From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Oh? Glad to hear it.
:'''Carl''': And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Naturally.
:'''Carl''': Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, no homework?! '''''CARL!'''''

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:'''Carl''': ''[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding his padre observing the ants in an ant farm]'' Dad, what's with the bugs?
:'''Carlos''': Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.
:'''Carl''': ''[not interested]'' I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. ''[starts tapping the ant farm]'' Stop being boring.
:'''Carlos''': Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

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:'''Carlos''': ''[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela]'' Hey, Principal Valenzuela. ''[Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news]'' Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying &quot;checkmate&quot;.
:'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Carl's now using chess to ''trick'' people!
:'''Frida''': ''[starts to sob]'' Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': Actually, it's Hall Monitor Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. ''He's'' the principal now!
:'''Carl''': ''[comes out of the office]'' Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.
:'''Principal Valenzuela''': ''[growls]'' Argh! FIX THIS!
:'''Carlos''': Ooh. I've created a monster. ''[looks at the chess board and gets an idea]'' There's only one thing to do - we have to ''beat'' Carl at his own game.

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==''The Golden Curse (Episode 7)''==

:''[The Casagrandes are all making decorations for Paco and Paulina's wedding; Ronnie Anne, Carl, and CJ have prepared the wedding cake]''
:'''Rosa''': ''[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco]'' Look, everyone, it's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.
:'''Frida''': ''Hola.''
:'''Maria''': ''Bienvenidos.''
:'''Carlos''': Hi, Mama Lupe.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' ''Primo,'' ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?
:'''Paco''': ''Claro que si.'' I can't wait to marry ''mi amor,'' Paulina. She's the wind beneath my wings.
:'''Sergio''': Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.
:'''Mama Lupe''': Oh, ''[hugs Paco tightly]'' I can't believe ''mi bebe'' is finally getting married. ''[sits on the couch and claps]'' Oh, I could almost cry.
:'''Frida''': ''[tearfully]'' Leave that to me.

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:'''Sergio''': On to more important matters, decide on a best man yet? ''[clears throat]'' Say, &quot;Sergio.&quot;
:'''Paco''': I'm not sure, ''primo.'' It's a big responsibility.
:'''Sergio''': Ah, come on, I'm responsible. ''[almost knocks the lamp off; chuckles]'' Hey, plus, I'll throw the best bachelor party ever! ''[hugs his primo, beggingly]'' Please. Oh, please. ''Por favor.'' ''[whimpers while making sad eyes]''
:'''Paco''': Okay, Sergio. Of course you can be my best man.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[waking up]'' Ah, best bachelor party ever. ''[checking his pockets]'' Still got everything? Let's see: wallet, keys, phone, ''las arras.'' ''[holds up the bag and notices a hole in it]'' Ah, crackers!

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:'''Paco''': ''[squawks after his wedding suit rips and falls off from his body]'' My suit! Must've been the pepperoni I ate last night. It made me bloat.

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:'''Paco''': Finally, I'm free! ''[looks in shock to see everything in a disaster]''
:'''Stanley''': Boy, bird weddings are fun!
:'''Paco''': What's going on?
:'''Mama Lupe''': Bad luck, that's what.
:'''Rosa''': Nonsense. Every wedding has its setback.

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:'''Paco''': Paulina, my love! We don't need luck. ''[Paulina starts to break down in tears and runs away, crying; turns to Sergio, angrily]'' Thanks a lot, Sergio! You ruined my wedding! ''[flies after Paulina to console her]'' Paulina, please, come back!

==Episode 8==

===''Let's Get Ready to Rumba (8.1)''===

:'''Rosa''': Hector, what are you doing under the table?
:'''Ivan''': Huh! ''You're'' the health inspector who shut down my studio.
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, this is gonna be good! ''[eats a bucket of popcorn]''
:'''Rosa''': ''Him?'' He's not a health inspector. He's my husband.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Awkward.
:'''Ivan''': It seems like you two have a lot to talk about. I'm going to reopen my studio.
:'''Mrs. Kernicky''': Time to bounce, everyone!
:''[Ivan and the others leave the apartment]''
:'''Rosa''': Hector Casagrande, explain.
:'''Hector''': Well, I was tired of hearing you talk about Ivan and his dance class, okay? So, I thought if I shut it down, that would be the end of it.
:'''Rosa''': ''[sharped]'' Hector, how could you be ''so'' selfish?! I don't want to talk to you right now. ''[walks to the door, ripping it off, and leaves]''
:'''Bruno''': ''[walks in along with Vito]'' Gee, who could have seen this coming?
:'''Hector''': Aww. I need to fix this.
:'''Sergio''': ''[burps]'' And I need more popcorn.

===''Perro Malo (8.2)''===

:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[finds Malo scratching his ear, thinking he's Lalo]'' Oh! There you are. ''[picks up the leash and goes towards home as Malo struggles to go the other way]'' That's enough, Lalo. I took you for a walk. Now, let's go home. ''[a man passes them as they go and Malo barks at him]'' What's gotten into you?
:'''Becky''': ''[finds Lalo rolling around in a bush, thinking he's Malo]'' There you are, Malo! ''[Lalo licks her in the face, as he usually does with Ronnie Anne; revolted]'' Ew! Kisses? What's gotten into you?

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': You're lucky you didn't have to walk Lalo. He is ''not'' in a fun mood.
:''[Malo chews, rips off, and throws the couch's armrest which Hector is napping on, causing him to roll onto the floor, waking him up]''
:'''Hector''': Hey, Lalo! Why did you do that?! Now I have to go nap in the mercado.
:'''Carl''': ''[after Malo takes a bite out of his El Falcón action figure]'' Hey! Lalo ate El Falcón's head!
:'''Carlota''': ''[bare-footed as Malo starts chewing on her pair of boots by the door]'' Those are my new boots!
:'''Bobby''': Lalo, what's going on with you? ''[screams as Malo bares his teeth, growling at him]''
:'''Carlota''': We better figure it out. Abuelo hates when pets misbehave.
:'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' I woke him up once. Almost made parrot tacos out of me.
:'''CJ''': Parrot tacos? Ew!
:'''Sergio''': Hey! I'd make a great taco. ''[Malo visualizes him as a taco and tries to eat him; flies away]'' I take it back! I'd make a terrible taco!

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:'''Maybelle''': ''[after Malo barges into the mercado, knocking her over]'' This is an awful shopping experience!
:'''Hector''': Grab his leash before he destroys my entire mercado!
:'''Bobby''': I got this!

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:'''Ronnie Anne''': I can't believe this is the last time we'll ever see Lalo.
:'''CJ''': I'm gonna miss him so much.
:'''Carlota''': ''[starts sobbing]'' This is the saddest day ever! ''[waters her eyes like Frida's]'' Ay, I've turned into Mom.

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:'''Carl''': Wait a minute. There's ''two'' of them?!
:''[Lalo and Malo go to their real owners after sniffing each other's tails]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[after Lalo licks her]'' Now ''this'' is our Lalo.
:'''Becky''': ''[growls back at Malo after he growls at her]'' And this is ''my'' Malo!
:'''Carlota''': Okay, I don't follow.
:'''Hector''': I think I know what's going on. When I adopted Lalo, I chose from a litter of ''perritos.'' ''[Flashback to the day he adopted Lalo as a puppy]'' But one of them was clearly not for our familia. I called it a perro malo. And the woman giving the puppies away said Malo was the perfect name, 'cause he was bad to the bone. Then I saw another puppy who was the complete opposite, showing me lots of love. So I decided to call him, Lalo!
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': They must have switched places when I was walking Lalo. I should have been paying attention to him instead of trying to watch the show. ''[to Lalo]'' I'm so sorry, boy.

==Episode 9==

===''Don't Zoo That (9.1)''===


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:'''Mrs. Chang''': Last badge, habitat maintenance.
:'''Carl''': Awesome! I'm great at that. ''[confused]'' Uh, what is that?
:'''Mrs. Chang''': It means you'll be building a home for one of our new and endangered animals. Lois, the Galapagos Tortoise.
:'''CJ''': She's beautiful!
:'''Mrs. Chang''': Yes she is, CJ, and she needs a special habitat to thrive. ''[points to bamboos and rocks as materials]'' Here are some building materials. Okay, good luck. Be back in a sec! Oh, and keep this gate closed. Lois likes to run out. ''[closes the gate and leaves]''
:'''Adelaide''': As group leader, I say we use bamboo for the base of a shelter.
:'''Carl''': No way, we should use rocks.
:'''Adelaide''': Fine, then I'm doing my ''own'' habitat.

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===''Maxed Out (9.2)''===


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==Episode 10==

===''Skatey Cat (10.1)''===


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===''Weather Beaten (10.2)''===


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==Episode 11==

===''Race Against the Machine (11.1)''===


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===''My Fair Cat Lady (11.2)''===


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==Episode 12==

===''Survival of the Unfittest (12.1)''===


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===''Nixed Signals (12.2)''===


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==Episode 13==

===''Ay Fidelity (13.1)''===


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===''Cut the Chisme (13.2)''===


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:''[Evening at the Casagrande apartment]''
:'''Hector''': ''[entering]'' ''Hola,'' I'm home! Ho, you guys will never believe what Vito wears to bed. ''[sees his whole family, really annoyed at him]'' What? You already know about the bunny pajamas?
:'''Carl''': No, Abuelo. This is a convention.
:'''Carlos''': Actually Carl, the word is, &quot;intervention.&quot;
:'''Rosa''': Hector, your chisme addiction is embarrassing your family.
:'''Bobby''': And making the customers mad.
:'''Frida''': You're a chismoso. And by that I mean, you're the biggest gossip in town.
:'''Hector''': What?! I'm not a gossip!

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==Episode 14==

===''Sidekickin' Chicken (14.1)''===

:'''Alexis''': It is I, Tuba Boy!
:'''Sergio''': Tuba Boy?
:''[Carl and Sergio see Alexis, in his Tuba Boy superhero costume with his mom recording]''
:'''Alexis''': Look, Mama! Tuba Boy, tu-ba rescue!
:'''Carl''': Alexis is submitting a sidekick too?
:'''Sergio''': And his costume looks amazing.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, and mine's trash. I really need to step it up if I'm gonna win this contest!

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:'''Carl''': ''[bumps into Adelaide, in her Pandalaide superhero costume]'' Adelaide, are you doing the contest too?
:'''Adelaide''': Better believe it. The name's Pandalaide! I've got panda power and sweet panda dance moves!
:'''Carl''': But you don't even watch &quot;El Falcón.&quot;
:'''Adelaide''': You're right, 'cause the show has no strong female character, but that's where I come in!

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:'''Carl''': Ooh, the letter from the show! ''[reading]'' '''&quot;Dear Carl Casagrande, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we didn't find El Pollito to be a very convincing sidekick.&quot;''' ''[whimpers with heartbreak]'' What?
:'''Sergio''': Sorry, Carl. Crackers on me tonight.
:'''Alexis''': ''[showing up along with Adelaide]'' Carl, we made it into the final round! What about you?
:'''Carl''': ''[tearing up, upset]'' I-I didn't make it. ''[lays his head flat on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Alexis''': Hey, you seem upset. You want a hug? It's one of Tuba Boy's powers.
:'''Carl''': No, I'm fine! Everything's fine!
:'''Adelaide''': Okay. Well, wish us luck.
:'''Carl''': ''[crumples up the letter, angrily]'' These judges got it all wrong! El Pollito's not convincing? Oh, I'll convince them all right!
:'''Sergio''': Ooh, whatcha thinking? Blackmail? I know a pigeon.
:'''Carl''': No, we're gonna make another tape to prove the judges wrong. This time, we'll show El Pollito doing heroic acts.

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:'''Bobby''': Carl, what's wrong with you?!
:'''Carl''': I'm stopping Miranda from stealing all the newspapers. Read all about it! El Pollito saves the day!
:'''Miranda''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm recycling them. These are from yesterday.

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:'''Adelaide''': We did it! You're safe now. ''[unties Sergio]''
:'''Sergio''': My heroes!
:'''Adelaide''': Sergio?
:'''Alexis''': Why are you dressed as a baby?
:'''Sergio''': Carl's idea! He wanted to look like a hero for the show.
:''[Carl frees himself and falls flat on the ground]''
:'''Adelaide''': Carl, you put Sergio in ''real'' danger just to rescue him?
:'''Carl''': ''[sighs sadly]'' It's true. I wanted to convince the show they were wrong for not picking me, but obviously, I totally blew it. Sorry. Turns out, I'm not much of a hero.
:'''Sergio''': You're telling me.

===''Silent Fight (14.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[whispering angrily to Carl and CJ]'' Are you kidding me?! If either of you wakes Carlitos, ''[fiercely with a background of fire]'' '''you're grounded for a month!''' No, '''''two months!'''''

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:''[Carl runs off and throws CJ's hair clippers out the window, shaving Vito's head]''
:'''Vito''': (Huh?) Hey, free haircut.
:'''CJ''': ''[whispers]'' My clippers. ''[growls at Carl; dashes off and back with Carl's El Falcón shoes, and throws them out the window]''
:'''Vito''': Hey, free shoes. ''[puts the shoes on his feet]'' Check out my new look!

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:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and sees Carl and CJ trying to tiptoe out of the room after they woke up Carlitos, making him cry]'' Hold it right there! That's it! You two are grounded!
:'''CJ''': But...
:'''Carl''': Mom...
:'''Carlos''': And why are you dressed as sheep?
:'''Frida''': I don't even care! No buts. No moms. Go to your room! And I better not hear a peep from either one of you for the rest of the afternoon!
:'''CJ and Carl''': This is your fault!
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily whispering]'' Hey, I said, not... a... '''''peep'''''…

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:'''Carlos''': Look at that, Frida! They managed to make up on their own.
:'''Frida''': Shh!
:'''Carlos''': Oops. Sorry, Frida. I got too excited.
:''[Carlitos starts wailing off-screen]''
:'''Frida''': ''[angrily]'' And now, ''you're'' grounded! ''[walks off]''
:'''Carlos''': Wait, for how long?!

==Episode 15==

===''Kick Some Bot (15.1)''===
:'''Adelaide''': Mom, Sid. Mom. Guess what? My unicorn princess outfit won first place for Cutest Cosplay! ''[holds up a 1st place ribbon]''
:'''Becca''': Honey, that is the most amazing news I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you!
:'''Adelaide''': Thanks. I deserved it. Look at me! ''[pulls a string on her party horn, shooting out confetti and lands on Sid]''
:'''Becca''': I'll add this ribbon to the Adelaide Wall of Fame.
:'''Sid''': Keep some shelf space open for me. I finished a whole slice of pizza in one bite. It took a lot of courage in mouth space, but I didn't give up. ''[stretches her mouth open wide]''
:'''Becca''': Wow, a whole slice.

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:'''Sid''': ''[while braiding Ronnie Anne's hair]'' My mom was giving Adelaide ''all'' the attention, and I was sitting there like, &quot;Hello? I'm your daughter too.&quot;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Ugh. Sounds rough. I'm impressed with your pizza eating abilities.
:'''Sid''': Thanks, but I feel like I have to do something big to make her proud of me. Ooh! I know! Maybe I'll eat ''two'' slices of pizza in one bite! Hit me, Breakfast Bot! ''[stretches her mouth wide open and Breakfast Bot stuffs the two pizza slices into her mouth]'' Pretty impressive, right?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Uh, that's cool, but you're also awesome with robots.
:'''Breakfast Bot''': '''You know it, girl.'''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[holding up her phone]'' And look! There's a Robotics Competition coming up right here in Great Lakes City!
:'''Sid''': Winning that would definitely impress my mom! ''[burps]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans from the smell]'' Too bad there isn't a Strongest Pepperoni Burp Competition.

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:'''Sid''': From the looks of things, I could actually win this.
:'''Lisa''': ''[showing up; clears throat]'' Maybe you need your vision checked because your competition just got stiffer.
:'''Sid''': Lisa Loud?! I subscribed to your monthly newsletter! You're competing too?
:'''Lisa''': Yep. ''[presses her wrist watch]'' Todd, initiate grand entrance.

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:'''Vito''': Let's get you some ice cream.
:'''Robbie''': '''Rocky Road always cheers me up.'''

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:'''Breakfast Bot''': ''[putting on a Lucha wrestling mask]'' '''Activate''' '''''Lucha Fight Mode!'''''
:'''Sid''': Oh, no! I didn't realize I put the Lucha disc in there! It's programmed to wrestle all the other robots!

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:'''Sid''': Breakfast Bot, put her down! ''[Breakfast Bot turns at her and offers her come up and fight him]'' Looks like I'm gonna have to this the hard way.

===''Salvador Doggy (15.2)''===

:'''Frida''': ''[angrily punches her painting with a hole]'' Terrible! You call this art?! ''[throws her painting on the ground, kicks it, and starts to sob]'' My showcase is tomorrow and I have no work to showcase at the showcase! This is the ''worst'' painter's block I've had in years. Oh, I know. I can listen to my favorite podcast. That should help.

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:'''Sergio''': ''[enters the apartment, wearing a scuba suit]'' Ready for our scuba lesson? ''[Lalo explains to him, gesturing the painting]'' You squiggled on paper. Congrats. ''[Lalo continues explaining]'' You gotta make ten more? For Frida? What's in it for you? Diddly-squat? Hold up. It's time I teach you about the law of supply and demand. If you're gonna supply, you gotta demand.
:''[Later, Frida returns with supplies]''
:'''Frida''': Lalo, I'm back! Ready to paint?
:'''Sergio''': ''[halting her]'' Not so fast. I'm Lalo's manager. ''[takes out a fake business card]'' For every painting my client makes, he's gotta get something out of it too. As does his manager. If you could, uh, please sign this contract. ''[takes out a lengthy contract]''
:'''Frida''': Ugh, fine. Anything to get more paintings. ''[signs the contract]''
:'''Sergio''': Initial here, here, here, here, here. Don't forget there.

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:'''Sergio''': And now my client will be retiring for the evening.
:'''Frida''': What?! But I need more paintings by tomorrow.
:'''Sergio''': And Lalo needs his beauty sleep. He can finish in the morning. ''[he and Lalo leave]''
:'''Frida''': ''[growls angrily and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the apartment; sighs while preparing for bed]'' Well, hopefully we can get the rest finished tomorrow. ''[finds Sergio in the bed and shrieks]''
:'''Sergio''': Excuse me. The artiste is trying to sleep.
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' What? ''[lifts the covers, revealing Lalo snoring]'' Lalo?! But this is ''my'' bed! Where am I supposed to sleep?!

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:'''Sergio''': ''[yawns]'' Slept like a baby. That bed is comfy. Don't just stand there. Here's our breakfast order. ''[unveils a long breakfast list]''
:'''Frida''': ''[furiously losing it]'' That's it! ''[rips up the list]'' The deal's off! I'll find another artist, Lalo! You're not the only dog in town! ''[storms off]''
:'''Sergio''': Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the doggy bed.

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==Episode 16==

===''The Wrust Job (16.1)''===

:'''Sid''': Oh, man. I wanna intern at your mercado with Mr. Inflatable. That guy gets to wave hello to people all day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I wanna work at Bruno's hot dog cart. What could be easier than serving the world's greatest hot dogs for a week? It'll be a breeze.

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:'''Vito''': Remember, Sameer, a hot dog for breakfast is the most important dog of the day. Let's see how you are at ordering.
:'''Sameer''': Two dogs for Mr. Vito, please.
:'''Vito''': Whoa! Very good! You are going places, mister.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Sameer, are you interning for Vito?
:'''Sameer''': Yeah. I was wondered what he did for a living.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': So, what does he do?
:'''Sameer''': I don't know. He says he's about to make a comeback, but, comeback to what? It's a mystery.

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:'''Bruno''': Now that we're done with the morning rush, it's time to study up on the menu.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Not to brag, but, I've eaten your Dragged Through the Garden dog like, a million times.
:'''Bruno''': That's great, but, I got 50 other dogs. If you're gonna sell 'em, then you gotta know how they taste.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I thought you'd never ask!

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:''[As Ronnie Anne wakes up the next morning, she notices that her family has disappeared, except for Lalo, who's still at the mercado]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Hey, Sid. Have you seen my family?
:'''Sid''': Everyone just went to the park for the hot dog eating contest.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[worried with shock]'' Oh, no! If Bruno sees Bobby there, he'll know I was lying!

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:'''Bruno''': Ronnie Anne? What are you doing here?
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I'm sorry, Bruno. I lied about Bobby breaking his arm. I didn't want to come to work today because I didn't realize how hard your job is. But I'm here now, and I'm gonna help you.
:'''Bruno''': I appreciate the apology, Ronnie Anne, but it's too late. I'm a laughing stock.

===''The Sound of Meddle (16.2)''===


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==Episode 17==

===''Alpaca Lies (17.1)''===


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===''Rocket Plan (17.2)''===


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==''Phantom Freakout (Episode 18)''==


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:'''Director''': CUT! Someone clean up that mess, and stop playing that nightmare music!
:'''Sid''': This is ''not'' going the way I planned, but I did get to smell Yoon Kwan just now, so it's kinda going how I planned.

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==Episode 19==

===''The Odd Father (19.1)''===


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===''The Long Shot (19.2)''===


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==Episode 20==

===''Flock This Way (20.1)''===


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===''Movers and Fakers (20.2)''===


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==External links==
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Tom Holland (author)</title>
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      <text bytes="4525" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Writer Tom Holland, February 2020.jpg|thumb|Tom Holland (2020)]]

'''[[w:Tom Holland (author)|Thomas Holland]]''' [[w:Royal Society of Literature|FRSL]] (born 5 January 1968) is an English author who has published best-selling books on topics including [[w:Classical antiquity|classical]] and [[Middle Ages|medieval history]] and the origins of [[Islam]]. In addition to his writing, he has worked with the BBC to create and host historical television documentaries, and presents the radio series Making History. 

==Quotes==

*Certainly, it can come as a jolt to discover that, with a single exception, we have no extant descriptions of the Battle of Badr that date from before the ninth century AD.... What if the entire account of the victory at Badr were nothing but a fiction, a dramatic just-so story, fashioned to explain allusions within the Qur’an that would otherwise have remained beyond explanation? A battle on a valley’s edge won against terrifying odds; angels swooping down to strike at infidel necks; plunder seized from routed caravans: the holy text certainly alludes to all these things. Yet, aside from a single name-check, Badr itself is never mentioned.52 There is certainly no confirmation that a great battle—such as the one described by Ibn Hisham—was ever fought there. Whatever else it may be, the Qur’an is no work of history.
**Tom Holland - In the Shadow of the Sword_ The Birth of Islam and the Rise of the Global Arab Empire-Doubleday (2012)

* Certainly, it can come as a jolt to discover that, with a single exception, we have no extant descriptions of the Battle of Badr that date from before the ninth century AD. We do not even have Ibn Ishaq’s original biography of Muhammad—only revisions and reworkings. As for the material on which Ibn Ishaq himself drew upon for his researches, it has long since vanished. Set against the triumphal hubbub raised by Arab historians in the ninth century, let alone the centuries that followed, the silence is deafening and perplexing. The precise state of play bears spelling out. Over the course of almost two hundred years, the Arabs, a people never noted for their reticence, and whose motivation, we are told, had been an utterly consuming sense of religious certitude, had set themselves to conquering the world—and yet in all that time, they composed not a single record of their victories, not one, that has survived into the present day. How could this possibly have been so, when even on the most barbarous fringes of civilisation, even in Britain, even in the north of England, books of history were being written during this same period, and copied, and lovingly tended? Why, when the savage Northumbrians were capable of preserving the writings of a scholar such as Bede, do we have no Muslim records from the age of Muhammad? Why not a single Arab account of his life, nor of his followers’ conquests, nor of the progress of his religion, from the whole of the near two centuries that followed his death?&lt;br&gt;Even the sole exception to the rule—a tiny shred of papyrus discovered in Palestine and dated to around AD 740—serves only to compound the puzzle.
**Tom Holland - In the Shadow of the Sword_ The Birth of Islam and the Rise of the Global Arab Empire-Doubleday (2012)

*Far from Islam having been born in the full light of history, its birth was shrouded in what has appeared, to an increasing number of scholars, an almost impenetrable darkness. To be sure, there are very few scholars who would go so far as to claim that the Prophet never existed. Someone by the name of Muhammad does certainly appear to have intruded upon the consciousness of his near-contemporaries.
**    Tom Holland - In the Shadow of the Sword_ The Birth of Islam and the Rise of the Global Arab Empire-Doubleday (2012)

* To live in a Western country is to live in a society still utterly saturated by Christian concepts and assumptions. This is no less true for Jews or Muslims than it is for Catholics or Protestants. Two thousand years on from the birth of Christ, it does not require a belief that he rose from the dead to be stamped by the formidable – indeed the inescapable – influence of Christianity.
** ''Dominion: The Making of the Western Mind'' (2019)

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Holland, Tom}}
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]]
[[Category:English atheists]]
[[Category:1968 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Oxford]]
[[Category:Criticism of Islam]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 1)</title>
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      <text bytes="3259" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===

===Pups Fall Festival===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye:''' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>bprj78kqj2bizuv39hlzi9ku03ozqbe</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150225</id>
      <parentid>3150224</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:58:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pups Make a Splash */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3318" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===
:'''Rocky:''' Why is everybody trying to get me wet today?

===Pups Fall Festival===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye:''' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>s1s2jvr7a8twmufmq4kw3qngwb0sb37</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150252</id>
      <parentid>3150225</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:18:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pups Make a Splash */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4107" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===
:'''Rocky:''' Why is everybody trying to get me wet today?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I'm caught on some rocks and the tide's going out. If I can't get free, the Flounder will end up in the bottom of the bay! Is it possibly within your PAW Patrol power to help?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marshall:''' What's a &quot;bay?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Well, I got so excited watching a wily old walrus waddle in the waves, that I forgot to watch out for the rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I've been studying the sleeping and eating habits of the adult walrus. Turns out he sleeps and eats an awful lot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' Hey! Watch where you're flying! We're over the world's biggest bathtub, and I'm trying to stay dry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' ''[whimpering]'' How 'bout the belly?  How 'bout the belly?

===Pups Fall Festival===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye:''' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>7ixqvra169igz08p8l283e0yh23e3m9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150257</id>
      <parentid>3150252</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:24:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pups Fall Festival */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5508" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===
:'''Rocky:''' Why is everybody trying to get me wet today?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I'm caught on some rocks and the tide's going out. If I can't get free, the Flounder will end up in the bottom of the bay! Is it possibly within your PAW Patrol power to help?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marshall:''' What's a &quot;bay?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Well, I got so excited watching a wily old walrus waddle in the waves, that I forgot to watch out for the rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I've been studying the sleeping and eating habits of the adult walrus. Turns out he sleeps and eats an awful lot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' Hey! Watch where you're flying! We're over the world's biggest bathtub, and I'm trying to stay dry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' ''[whimpering]'' How 'bout the belly?  How 'bout the belly?

===Pups Fall Festival===
:'''Marshall:''' I love, love, love apples, Farmer Yumi.
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' Don't forget our pumpkins!
:'''Marshall:''' I love, love, love pumpkins, too! Especially in pies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Skye and Zuma race to the elevator and stop just outside it.]''
:'''Skye and Zuma:''' I win! ''[doubting each other's victory]'' I win!
:''[Skye backflips into the elevator.]''
:'''Skye:''' I win.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ryder and the pups race into Farmer Yumi's yard.]''
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' Ryder and the PAW Patrol! Yes! Now we'll get at least some of the fruit picked before it snows.
:'''Ryder:''' We'll get all of it picked, Farmer Yumi. No apple left behind!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
'''Zuma:''' &quot;PAW Patrol is ready to roll... some pumpkins.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Marshall falls into the pumpkins.]''
:'''Chase:''' Marshall, you okay?
:'''Marshall:''' ''[weakly]'' I'm okay.
:''[Chase pulls up the pumpkin stuck on Marshall's head; making it a hat.]''
:'''Chase:''' You look good in orange.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ryder:''' Hmm. Chase, now I've got a job for you.
:'''Chase:''' What is it, Ryder, sir?
:'''Ryder:''' We need you to direct traffic around here.
:'''Marshall:''' Yeah, Chase would make a great traffic cop. 'Cause, well, he is a traffic cop.
:'''Chase:''' What are we waiting for? ''[speaking through megaphone]'' PAW Patrol, let's roll!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' We got apples! Woo-woo!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye:''' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>0458algz2h2265c9iufkdllgl26ppor</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150258</id>
      <parentid>3150257</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:25:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pups Fall Festival */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5509" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===
:'''Rocky:''' Why is everybody trying to get me wet today?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I'm caught on some rocks and the tide's going out. If I can't get free, the Flounder will end up in the bottom of the bay! Is it possibly within your PAW Patrol power to help?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marshall:''' What's a &quot;bay?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Well, I got so excited watching a wily old walrus waddle in the waves, that I forgot to watch out for the rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' I've been studying the sleeping and eating habits of the adult walrus. Turns out he sleeps and eats an awful lot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' Hey! Watch where you're flying! We're over the world's biggest bathtub, and I'm trying to stay dry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky:''' ''[whimpering]'' How 'bout the belly?  How 'bout the belly?

===Pups Fall Festival===
:'''Marshall:''' I love, love, love apples, Farmer Yumi.
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' Don't forget our pumpkins!
:'''Marshall:''' I love, love, love pumpkins, too! Especially in pies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Skye and Zuma race to the elevator and stop just outside it.]''
:'''Skye and Zuma:''' I win! ''[doubting each other's victory]'' I win!
:''[Skye backflips into the elevator.]''
:'''Skye:''' I win.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ryder and the pups race into Farmer Yumi's yard.]''
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' Ryder and the PAW Patrol! Yes! Now we'll get at least some of the fruit picked before it snows.
:'''Ryder:''' We'll get all of it picked, Farmer Yumi. No apple left behind!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zuma:''' &quot;PAW Patrol is ready to roll... some pumpkins.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
''[Marshall falls into the pumpkins.]''
:'''Chase:''' Marshall, you okay?
:'''Marshall:''' ''[weakly]'' I'm okay.
:''[Chase pulls up the pumpkin stuck on Marshall's head; making it a hat.]''
:'''Chase:''' You look good in orange.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ryder:''' Hmm. Chase, now I've got a job for you.
:'''Chase:''' What is it, Ryder, sir?
:'''Ryder:''' We need you to direct traffic around here.
:'''Marshall:''' Yeah, Chase would make a great traffic cop. 'Cause, well, he is a traffic cop.
:'''Chase:''' What are we waiting for? ''[speaking through megaphone]'' PAW Patrol, let's roll!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farmer Yumi:''' We got apples! Woo-woo!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===

:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye:''' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>racwntxoi2j24nr8d74jysckg838ckk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 6)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242285</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150239</id>
      <parentid>3042511</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:07:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups Meet the Mighty Twins */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3047" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save the Jungle Penguins===
===Pups Save a Freighter===

==Episode 2==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Meltdown===
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups and the Mystery of the Missing Cell Phones===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save a Melon Festival===
===Pups Save a Cow===

==Episode 4==
===Pups Save the Honey===
===Pups Save Mayor Goodway's Purse===

==Episode 5==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Mountain Climbers===
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save Captain Gordy===

==Episode 6==
===Pups and the Stinky Bubble Trouble===
===Pups Save the Baby Ostriches===

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save Gustavo's Guitar===
===Pups Save the Yoga Goats===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save Bedtime===
===Pups Save Chickaletta's Egg===

==Episode 9==
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: When Super Kitties Attack===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save a Manatee===
===Pups Save Breakfast===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Land Pirates===
===Pups Save the Birdwatching Turbots===

==Episode 12==
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups Meet the Mighty Twins===
:'''Ryder:''' Hey, Marshall.  Who are your new pup pals?
:'''Marshall:''' They're twins, Ryder.  Isn't that cool?
:'''Ella:''' I'm Ella.
:'''Tuck:''' I'm Tuck, and we're looking for the Ladybird.
:'''Ella and Tuck together:''' She took our pup tags!
:'''Ryder:''' The Ladybird?

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Freaky Pup-Day===
===Pups Save a Runaway Mayor===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Bat Family===
===Pups Save a Mud Monster===

==Episode 15==
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups Save a Giant Chicken===
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups Stop Harold's Deep Freeze===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Balloon Pups===
===Pups Save the Spider Spies===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save the Bears===
===Pups Save a Farmerless Farm===

==Episode 18==
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups and the Big Twin Trick===
===Mighty Pups, Super Paws: Pups Save a Mega Mayor===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a White Wolf===
===Pups Save a Wrong Way Explorer===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Save the Squirrels===
===Pups Save a Roo===

==Episode 21==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. the Copycat===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save a Humsquatch===
===Pups Stop a Far Flung Flying Disc===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Rescue a Rescuer===
===Pups Save the Phantom of the Frog Pond===

==Episode 24==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Big Bad Bot===
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. the Dome===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Opening Ceremonies===
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Adventure Bay Games===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save a Tour Bus===
===Pups Save Midnight at the Museum===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>nx2m3dukh973nxfwq10lhvy21mhoaqd</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 7)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242286</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150226</id>
      <parentid>3042542</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T12:59:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2739" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150227</id>
      <parentid>3150226</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:00:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2789" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Space, then sea?  I'm spent!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>e6xhps084qovw66e2057i2sxxufqbec</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150232</id>
      <parentid>3150227</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:03:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3081" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Space, then sea?  I'm spent!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===
:'''Rex:''' Ryder, you were right; these are the nicest pups I ever met!  Actually, the only pups I've ever met.
:'''Skye:''' You've never met another pup?
:'''Rex:''' Nope.  I'm the only one where I come from.
:'''Rubble:''' Where's that?
:'''Ryder:''' That's the other part of my surprise.

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>krg1t5jdkql7swrp3r6d2d3x6dmwkqk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150233</id>
      <parentid>3150232</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:04:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3137" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Space, then sea?  I'm spent!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===
:'''Rex:''' Ryder, you were right; these are the nicest pups I ever met!  Actually, the only pups I've ever met.
:'''Skye:''' You've never met another pup?
:'''Rex:''' Nope.  I'm the only one where I come from.
:'''Rubble:''' Where's that?
:'''Ryder:''' That's the other part of my surprise.

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
:'''Taylor:''' But that dive is definitely too daring!

===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>3553my5dxvgud7w83g4vu7jcwtxysvk</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150234</id>
      <parentid>3150233</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:05:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3262" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Space, then sea?  I'm spent!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===
:'''Rex:''' Ryder, you were right; these are the nicest pups I ever met!  Actually, the only pups I've ever met.
:'''Skye:''' You've never met another pup?
:'''Rex:''' Nope.  I'm the only one where I come from.
:'''Rubble:''' Where's that?
:'''Ryder:''' That's the other part of my surprise.

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
:'''Taylor:''' But that dive is definitely too daring!

===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===
:'''Marshall:''' Now that's what I call going on a long trip!
:''[The pups giggle before heading into the Dino Patroller]''.

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>l1hezw58rlbfbji0jbhbx8o7hxbvlfg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150235</id>
      <parentid>3150234</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:06:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3455" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Stop a Humdinger Horde===
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Clones, you came from the machine I created, so I'm the boss of you!
:'''Humdinger Clone 1:''' Why should we listen to you?  We're the mayors, and you're not!

===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups Save a Mighty Lighthouse===
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' Space, then sea?  I'm spent!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save Election Day===
===Pups Save the Bubble Monkeys===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save an Antarctic Martian===
===Pups Save the Maze Explorers===

==Episode 4==
===Mighty Pups, Charged Up: Pups vs. Three Super Baddies===
:'''Mayor Humdinger:''' Why do I have to help with this?
:'''Harold Humdinger:''' Stashing the meteor was ''your'' idea, Uncle Mayor!
:'''Mayor Humdinger:''' Oh, sure!  ''Now'' give me credit!

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save a Waiter Bot===
===Pups Stop a Pie-Clone===

==Episode 6==
===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Lost Dino Eggs===
:'''Rex:''' Ryder, you were right; these are the nicest pups I ever met!  Actually, the only pups I've ever met.
:'''Skye:''' You've never met another pup?
:'''Rex:''' Nope.  I'm the only one where I come from.
:'''Rubble:''' Where's that?
:'''Ryder:''' That's the other part of my surprise.

==Episode 7==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Pterodactyl===
:'''Taylor:''' But that dive is definitely too daring!

===Dino Rescue: Pups and the Big Rumble===
:'''Marshall:''' Now that's what I call going on a long trip!
:''[The pups giggle before heading into the Dino Patroller]''.

==Episode 8==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Hum-Dino===

==Episode 9==
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save a Sore Dino===
===Dino Rescue: Pups Save the Triceratops Tag-Alongs===

==Episode 10==
===Pups Save the Big Bad Bird Crew===
===Pups Save a Soapbox Derby===

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save the Skydivers===
===Pups Save the Cupcakes===

==Episode 12==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Save the Pupmobiles===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Lost Gold Miner===
===Pups Save Uncle Otis from His Cabin===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save a Rocket Roller Skater===
===Pups Save Ryder's Surprise===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save the Marooned Mayors===
===Pups Save the Game Show===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save the Chalk Art===
===Pups Save the Hot Potato===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Bah Humdinger===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save Little Hairy===
===Pups Save a Kooky Climber===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save Queen Cluck-Cluck===
===Pups Save a Desert Flounder===

==Episode 20==
===Moto Pups: Pups vs. the Ruff-Ruff Pack===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Trash-dinger===
===Pups Save the Royal Armor===

==Episode 22==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Donuts===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save the Kitties===

==Episode 23==
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Moto Mayor===

==Episode 24==
===Moto Pups: Rescue at Twisty Top Mesa===
===Moto Pups: Pups Save a Sneezy Chase===

==Episode 25==
===Ultimate Rescue: Pups Stop a Junk-Monster===
===Pups Save the Whale Pod===

==Episode 26==
===Pups Save Thundermouth===
===Pups Save a Class Pet===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>0ub8o4dt72j5bzen463dkobgru3wysl</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 8)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242287</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150231</id>
      <parentid>3122975</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:02:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pups Stop the Cheetah */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2511" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Save a Runaway Rooster===
===Pups Save a Snowbound Cow===

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save a Sweet Mayor===
===Pups Save a Magic Trick===

==Episode 3==
===Pups Save a Rubble-Double===
===Pups Save a Clown===

==Episode 4==
===Pups Stop the Cheetah===
:'''Rubble:''' Bye, old PAW Patroller!
:''[The old PAW Patroller sinks into the quicksand]''.

==Episode 5==
===Pups Save the Mustache===
===Pups Save the Funhouse===

==Episode 6==
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Water Walker===
===Sea Patrol: Pups Save a Windsurfer===

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Hiding Elephants===
===Pups Save a Yodeler===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Save the Dizzy Dust Express===
===Pups Save the Treetop Trekkers===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treasure Cruise===
===Pups Save Rocket Ryder===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and Katie Stop the Barking Kitty Crew===
===Pups Save the Glasses===

==Episode 11==
===Pups vs. a Neon Humdinger===
===Pups Save a Royal Painting===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Save a Chicken Tulip===
===Pups Stop an Xtreme Shark===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save a Show Jumper===
===Pups Save the Salmon===

==Episode 14==
===Pups vs. Ouchy Paws===
===Pups Save a Glow-in-the-Dark Party===

==Episode 15==
===Rescue Knights: Quest for the Dragon's Tooth===

==Episode 16==
===Pups Stop a Super Shaker===
===Pups Save a Flying Farmhouse===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Box Fort===
===Pups Save Travelin' Travis from Really Big Bill!===

==Episode 18==
===Rescue Knights: Pups Save a Dozing Dragon===

==Episode 19==
===Rescue Knights: Pups Save a Tournament===
===Rescue Knights: Pups Save the Baby Dragons===

==Episode 20==
===Rescue Knights: Pups Break the Ice===
===Rescue Knights: Pups Save Excalibark===

==Episode 21==
===Dancing with Luke Stars===
===Pups Save a Mischievous Octopus===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Kitties and the Kiddies===
===Pups Save a Greenhouse===

==Episode 23==
===Pups Save the Floating Goodways===
===Pups Save the Portable Pet Wash===

==Episode 24==
===Pups Save a Lonesome Walrus===
===Pups Save the Hummy Gummies===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>26cy0pmx6qir4jrzokxz6crsapx8rlx</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (specials)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242288</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150228</id>
      <parentid>3116539</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:00:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Ready Race Rescue (2019) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="609" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Mighty Pups (2018)==

==Ready Race Rescue (2019)==
:'''Ryder:''' PAW Patrol, to the Mobile Pit Stop!
:'''Pups:''' Ryder needs us!

==Jet to the Rescue (2020)==


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>csn7zo14zsr8n101q25ij60u10uf04k</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150229</id>
      <parentid>3150228</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:01:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:D49A:CCDB:F155:9A81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Jet to the Rescue (2020) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="776" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Mighty Pups (2018)==

==Ready Race Rescue (2019)==
:'''Ryder:''' PAW Patrol, to the Mobile Pit Stop!
:'''Pups:''' Ryder needs us!

==Jet to the Rescue (2020)==
:'''Princess of Barkingburg:''' I'm shocked someone from the royal family would have such bad manners!
:'''Earl of Barkingburg:''' Even if he is from a distant branch!

[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>pd72zhrdsdp97htf6plejhebct5v6bk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ilinka Mitreva</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>244058</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150351</id>
      <parentid>3049084</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:41:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>73.211.12.10</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="980" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ilinka Mitreva.jpg|thumb|Ilinka Mitreva]]

'''[[w:Ilinka Mitreva|Ilinka Mitreva]]''' (born [[11 February]] [[1950]] - 1 August 2022) is a [[North Macedonia|Macedonian]] politician. She was the [[w:Ministry of Foreign Affairs (North Macedonia)|Minister of Foreign Affairs]] serving on 13 May 2001 – 23 November 2001.


{{political-stub}}
{{women-stub}}

==Quotes==
* The Macedonian government has recently been stepping up contacts with [[China|Chinese communists]] to discuss the restoration of diplomatic ties (from the Republic of China).
** Ilinka Mitreva (2001) cited in: &quot;[https://www.albawaba.com/news/official-macedonia-break-diplomatic-links-taiwan Official: Macedonia to Break Diplomatic Links with Taiwan]&quot; in ''Albawaba'', 1 June 2001.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mitreva, Ilinka}}
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Foreign ministers]]
[[Category:Macedonians]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]</text>
      <sha1>99ahqez7lxj6x74mr047kwf88cjpjop</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150493</id>
      <parentid>3150351</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:26:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Normantas Bataitis</username>
        <id>3082321</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="986" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ilinka Mitreva.jpg|thumb|Ilinka Mitreva]]

'''[[w:Ilinka Mitreva|Ilinka Mitreva]]''' ([[11 February]] [[1950]] – [[1 August]] [[2022]]) was a [[North Macedonia|Macedonian]] politician. She was the [[w:Ministry of Foreign Affairs (North Macedonia)|Minister of Foreign Affairs]] serving on 13 May 2001 – 23 November 2001.

==Quotes==
* The Macedonian government has recently been stepping up contacts with [[China|Chinese communists]] to discuss the restoration of diplomatic ties (from the Republic of China).
** Ilinka Mitreva (2001) cited in: &quot;[https://www.albawaba.com/news/official-macedonia-break-diplomatic-links-taiwan Official: Macedonia to Break Diplomatic Links with Taiwan]&quot; in ''Albawaba'', 1 June 2001.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mitreva, Ilinka}}
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Foreign ministers]]
[[Category:Macedonians]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]


{{political-stub}}
{{women-stub}}</text>
      <sha1>d75ao8ym68cs33qo9jjm2g7o2r14rp3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150494</id>
      <parentid>3150493</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:27:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Normantas Bataitis</username>
        <id>3082321</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="987" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ilinka Mitreva.jpg|thumb|Ilinka Mitreva]]

'''[[w:Ilinka Mitreva|Ilinka Mitreva]]''' ([[11 February]] [[1950]] – [[1 August]] [[2022]]) was a [[North Macedonia|Macedonian]] politician. She was the [[w:Ministry of Foreign Affairs (North Macedonia)|Minister of Foreign Affairs]] serving from 13 May 2001 to 23 November 2001.

==Quotes==
* The Macedonian government has recently been stepping up contacts with [[China|Chinese communists]] to discuss the restoration of diplomatic ties (from the Republic of China).
** Ilinka Mitreva (2001) cited in: &quot;[https://www.albawaba.com/news/official-macedonia-break-diplomatic-links-taiwan Official: Macedonia to Break Diplomatic Links with Taiwan]&quot; in ''Albawaba'', 1 June 2001.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Mitreva, Ilinka}}
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Foreign ministers]]
[[Category:Macedonians]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]


{{political-stub}}
{{women-stub}}</text>
      <sha1>41ejrzqljfk0i70000ny2pf22v46mrb</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Dmitry Peskov</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>246331</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150600</id>
      <parentid>3142738</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T09:50:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>WereSpielChequers</username>
        <id>167087</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>lets go subsonic</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="12648" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dmitry Peskov portrait.jpg|thumb|Dmitry Peskov]]
'''[[w:Dmitry Peskov|Dmitry Sergeyevich Peskov]]''' (Russian: Дмитрий Сергеевич Песков) (born 17 October 1967) is a Russian diplomat who is the [[w:press secretary|press secretary]] for the Russian president, [[Vladimir Putin]].

== Quotes == 

* We remind you that Russia has never attacked anyone throughout its history.  And Russia, which has survived so many wars, is the last country in Europe that even wants to utter the word ‘war.’
** [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/feb/21/dmitry-peskov/russian-spokesmans-statement-ignores-centuries-rus/ &quot;Russian spokesman’s statement ignores centuries of Russian attacks&quot;], 21 February 2022

* The Russian troops don’t conduct any strikes against civilian infrastructure and residential areas.
** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/kremlin-denies-striking-civilian-targets-in-ukraine-despite-evidence/ &quot;Kremlin denies striking civilian targets in Ukraine, despite evidence&quot;], Times of Israel, 1 March 2022

* Russian forces do not fire on civilian targets.
** [https://cyprus-mail.com/2022/03/10/ukraine-accuses-russia-of-genocide-after-bombing-of-childrens-hospital/ &quot;Russia shifts stance on hospital bombing that sparked world outrage (Update)&quot;], Cyprus Mail, 10 March 2022

* A real Russian is never ashamed to be Russian.
** [https://www.msn.com/en-in/news/world/russians-are-not-real-russians-if-ashamed-of-ukraine-conflict-kremlin/ar-AAUVsmY &quot;Russians are not real Russians if ashamed of Ukraine conflict - Kremlin&quot;], The Jerusalem Post, 11 March 2022

* Many people show themselves to be what we in Russia like to call traitors. They disappear from our lives on their own. Some resign from their jobs, some withdraw from their professional lives, and some leave the country and move to other places. That’s how the purification happens.
** [https://meduza.io/en/feature/2022/03/18/the-traitors-will-disappear-on-their-own &quot;'The traitors will disappear on their own' Dmitry Peskov on the coming 'purification of Russian society'&quot;], Meduza, 18 March 2022

* Right now, everyone is very emotional about what’s going on. And you know what? The overwhelming majority are those who support the president emotionally. There are so many people who want to support the president — not just emotionally, but also in their actions. They’re the overwhelming majority.
** [https://meduza.io/en/feature/2022/03/18/the-traitors-will-disappear-on-their-own &quot;'The traitors will disappear on their own' Dmitry Peskov on the coming 'purification of Russian society'&quot;], Meduza, 18 March 2022

=== CNN Interview (March 2022) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://edition.cnn.com/2022/03/22/europe/amanpour-peskov-interview-ukraine-intl/index.html &quot;Putin spokesman refuses to rule out use of nuclear weapons if Russia faced an 'existential threat'&quot;], interview, CNN, 22 March 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* We are speaking of a special military operation that is going on, and it is going strictly in accordance with the plans, and there were purposes, they were established in beforehand of course.  First, I think we have to speak about the reasons for this operation.  I mean, because speaking of the morale against, in the morale against, among our military.  Of course you operate data and information coming from different media and from your intelligence.  But you would probably have to doubt it, and you have to think twice whether it is true or not. 

* No one would think from the very beginning about a couple of days.  It's a serious operation with serious purposes.  And I think if we try to remember those purposes, those main goals of the operation, it is to get rid of the military potential of Ukraine, and this is why our military is targeting only military objects on the territory of Ukraine.  Not civil ones.  Russia military are not hitting civilian aims, civil targets.  Number two, it is to ensure that Ukraine changes from entire Russian centered to a neutral country.  And in this sense, let's remember that after the collapse of the Soviet Union, the neutral status fixed with us in the declaration of independence of the country.  Three, to get rid of the nationalist battalions and regiments who are opposing Russian troops, who are now trying to cover themselves under the shield of civilians, thus paving a way for civil casualties.  

* Also to ensure that Ukraine acknowledges the fact that Crimea is also an untakable part of Russia, and that People's Republic of Luhansk and Donetsk are independent states.  Ukraine has lost them after the coup that happened in 2014. 

* The strategic goal is to clear up the Mariupol from nationalistic regiments who are there in a heavily-covered environment, and so, by the way they're simply not letting people out from this thing, from the town.  And this is a problem, because now we're receiving lots of refugees coming from there, and they simply tell us that they were used like a shield.  They were used under heavy bombardment, and then those nationalists, they were, they were killing people who would want to leave the city.  And now the main goal is to get rid of those bad guys there.  


* Russian soldiers are not shooting at civilians. They’re not attacking them but helping them.
** [https://www.pravda.com.ua/eng/news/2022/03/23/7333857/ &quot;Kremlin insists it is not killing Ukrainian civilians but &quot;helping&quot; them&quot;], Ukrainian Pravda, 23 March 2022

* We do not accept the jurisdiction of ICC [International criminal court of justice]. We did not — we did not acknowledge it before, and we do not accept it right now. And we are not going to accept it further.
* From the very beginning of these special operations, Russian military had a very strict order from the chief commander not to aim at civilian targets. And they are not doing that.  They are not shelling houses. They are not shelling apartments. They are not shelling civil objects. They are only shelling and they're aiming of military infrastructure, in the context of one of the main goals of the operation, demilitarization of Ukraine.  Then who is ruining the infrastructure, the civil infrastructure of Mariupol, for example? Those Nazi battalions inside Mariupol, they're simply killing those who would like to escape from the city. And these Nazi battalions, they are using the apartments as a shelter for their guns, for their armaments, for their tanks, for their snipers. That is causing the reciprocal fire.  So, it is not Russian military who are doing that.
** [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/putins-spokesman-dmitry-peskov-on-ukraine-and-the-west-dont-push-us-into-the-corner &quot;Putin’s spokesman Dmitry Peskov on Ukraine and the West: ‘Don’t push us into the corner’&quot;], PBS, 28 March 2022

* The West is an oasis for criminals from Russia.
** [https://ria.ru/20220403/zapad-1781539233.html &quot;Песков назвал Запад оазисом для преступников&quot;] (in Russian; &quot;Peskov called the West an oasis for criminals&quot;), interview in RIA Novosti, 3 April 2022

* Ukraine is a very difficult country, very difficult for us. In its current state it is hostile towards us.
** [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/kremlin-says-talks-with-ukraine-not-easy-important-that-they-continue-ria-2022-04-02/ &quot;Kremlin says peace talks should continue, lashes 'hostile' Ukraine&quot;], Reuters, 2 April 2022

* We categorically deny any accusations.
* The situation is undoubtedly serious and we would ask that many international leaders not rush with their statements, not rush with their baseless accusations, request information from different sources, and at least listen to our explanations.
** Said after the massacre on civilians in Bucha, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/kremlin-denies-ukrainian-allegations-its-forces-killed-civilians-near-kyiv-2022-04-04/ &quot;Kremlin denies Ukrainian allegations its forces killed civilians near Kyiv&quot;], Reuters, 4 April 2022

* We have significant losses of troops and it is a huge tragedy for us.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/world/2022/04/07/dmitry-peskov-kremlin-admits-significant-losses-ukraine-tsr-sot-vpx.cnn/video/playlists/russia-ukraine-military-conflict/ &quot;'Huge tragedy for us': Kremlin admits 'significant' Russian troop losses in Ukraine&quot;], 8. april 2022

* We are in fact now living in the conditions of a perfect storm and the moment of truth, that very storm and moment of truth that will ensure and protect our interests, and make it so that your lives are better, more comfortable, more stable, and more secure.
* Our president knows where he is leading our country.
* The whole country supports him.
* We will win and achieve all our goals.
** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/kremlin-tells-russians-not-to-worry-this-will-make-your-lives-better &quot;Kremlin Tells Russians: Don’t Worry, This War Will ‘Make Your Lives Better’&quot;], The Daily Beast, 17 May 2022

* We accuse Western countries of taking a series of unlawful actions that has led to the blockade.
** Said about the Russian blockade of Ukrainian ports, stopping export of food from Ukraine, quoted in [https://www.opb.org/article/2022/05/26/russia-slams-sanctions-seeks-to-shift-blame-for-food-crisis/ &quot;Russia slams sanctions, seeks to shift blame for food crisis&quot;], OPB/Associated Press, 26 May 2022

* We will never trust the West again.
** [https://metro.co.uk/2022/06/21/russian-general-warns-attempts-to-take-kaliningrad-could-trigger-ww3-16862570/ &quot;Russia Says It Will 'never Trust West Again', Fallout Over Ukraine War To Be 'long Crisis'&quot;], Metro, 21 June 2022

* Russian Armed Forces do not work with civilian targets.
** [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/07/02/blasts-rock-ukraine-city-as-russian-missiles-drive-up-civilian-death-toll.html &quot;Blasts rock Ukraine city as Russian missiles drive up civilian death toll&quot;], CNBC, 2 July 2022

== Quotes about Dmitry Peskov ==

* The tragedy is that these lies aren't meant to be believed.  What they're meant to do is they're meant to convince Russians that there is no such thing as the truth and that everybody's as bad as the other.
** Tom Tugendhat MP, chairman of the UK's foreign affairs committee, quoted in [https://news.sky.com/story/ukraine-war-russia-living-in-a-parallel-universe-and-peddling-catalogue-of-lies-say-critics-after-peskov-interview-12584856 &quot;Ukraine war: Russia 'living in a parallel universe' and peddling 'catalogue of lies' say critics after Peskov interview&quot;], 8 April 2022

* Dmitri Peskov has served as Vladimir Putin’s spokesperson since 2008. In this capacity, he has played a key role in propaganda and disinformation campaigns to cover up the Kremlin’s links to the 2006 polonium poisoning of former Russian intelligence officer Alexander Litvinenko, the 2018 Novichok poisoning of former Russian military intelligence officer Sergei Skirpal and his daughter Yulia, and the 2020 Novichok poisoning of Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny. In all these cases, official and independent sources have debunked the Kremlin’s disinformation and established the Kremlin’s direct responsibility. Serving Putin has been lucrative for Peskov, and despite being a civil servant for his entire career, he and his family are now multimillionaires.
* Before Putin launched his unprovoked and brutal war of choice against Ukraine, Peskov repeatedly denied Russia had any intentions to invade its neighbor. He falsely asserted that Russia did not pose a threat to Ukraine, that Russia had never attacked any other nation, and that Russia would be the “last country in Europe” to think about starting a war. Attempting to discredit Western media reports that exposed the Kremlin’s invasion preparations, Peskov called them “provocations,” an “unfounded fomenting of tension,” “Western hysteria,” “irresponsible fakes,” and “maniacal information insanity.” Russia’s war in Ukraine validated the media reports and undermined Peskov’s credibility.
* Peskov has been one of the key implementers of the Kremlin’s standard disinformation playbook of denial, lies, and obfuscation. 
:* US Department of State, in [https://www.state.gov/disarming-disinformation/faces-of-kremlin-propaganda-dmitri-peskov/ &quot;Faces of Kremlin Propaganda: Dmitri Peskov&quot;], 18 April 2022

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://cdn.occrp.org/projects/russian-asset-tracker/en/person/5/dmitry-peskov/ Peskov's profile and assets on Russian Asset Tracker]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Peskov, Dmitry}}
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    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/March 26, 2022</title>
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    <id>246359</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T10:49:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>CommonsDelinker</username>
        <id>13873</id>
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| align=center | [[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br/&gt; --&gt; What you’re engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br/&gt; We’re in a new phase — your generation.  We’re at an inflection point.  About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain’t going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our [[organizational]] structures. &lt;br/&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share?  Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that’s really what’s at stake. &lt;br/&gt; So what you’re doing is consequential — really consequential.
| author = Joe Biden
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
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    <title>Better Call Saul (season 6)</title>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''Breaking Bad'' [6.11] ===

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T02:22:35Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Breaking Bad [6.11] */</comment>
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:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''Breaking Bad'' [6.11] ===
:''[Pan up a door covered with duct-tape. Hold a few seconds before Saul Goodman wrenches it open and steps inside.]''
:'''Saul:''' What the hell is this? It's like James Whale's travelling roadshow in here...
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a skimask atop his head, steps in behind him.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Whatever the hell that is... Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Saul, meanwhile explores the RV.]''
:'''Walter:''' I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse:''' Crystal Ship! What I call this thing.
:'''Walter:''' Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul:''' &quot;No details&quot;? Fellas, that-- that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job, that can get you attorney-client privilege on-- on all matters!
:'''Walter:''' ''No. Details.''
:'''Saul:''' Look at this setup! I m-- What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse:''' No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter:''' I said no details!
:'''Jesse:''' Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter:''' He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse:''' Uh, I didn't wanna show him my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul:''' So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole friggin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering them before turning to the table.]''
:'''Saul:''' You two actually make the blue stuff? Here?
:''[He laughs and picks up a flask.]''
:'''Saul:''' That's amazing!
:'''Walter:''' Can you... not touch--?
:'''Saul:''' I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse:''' It's a, um, Round Bottom Flask. Right? Round Bottom? It's a flask, for distilling.
:'''Walter:''' It won't be if you break it, now please, put it down.
:'''Saul:''' Oh.
:''[Saul acquiesces, clearing his throat.]''
:'''Saul:''' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff, that means you're Igor and-- and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow! Hey, tell me, ho- how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter:''' Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. So, you have ''a'' job, ''one'' job... and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul:''' Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office, but until then, just-- Just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter:''' I'm taking the 80 thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul:''' Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um ''[clears throat]'' I'm calling shotgun!
:''[Saul saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat.]''
:'''Walter:''' I will drive.
:'''Jesse:''' Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand, I guess. (under his breath) ''Dick.''
:'''Saul:''' At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, y'know, I-- I've got bad knees. I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter:''' Dammit...
:'''Jesse:''' You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're--
:'''Walter:''' I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse:''' I guess that's why we're moving, then.
:'''Walter:''' It just was... Idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Oh-- You should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter:''' Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse:''' Bullshit--
:'''Saul:''' Look, fellas, I was enjoying the Laurel and Hardy vibe, but I'm not such a fan of the Bickersons. Now, can you get me back to my office? I-- I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter:''' We just need to sit a moment, that's all! When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
''[Walter takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walter clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walter a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse:''' So. Who's Lalo?
:'''Saul:''' Who?
:'''Jesse:''' Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out... Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul:''' ...It's nobody. Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, um, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now, just-- please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again.]''
:'''Jesse:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Bravo.
:'''Saul:''' I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice -- Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter:''' Hold on.
:''[Walt drives away.]''

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T02:22:50Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Breaking Bad [6.11] */</comment>
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:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''Breaking Bad'' [6.11] ===
:''[Pan up a door covered with duct-tape. Hold a few seconds before Saul Goodman wrenches it open and steps inside.]''
:'''Saul:''' What the hell is this? It's like James Whale's travelling roadshow in here...
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a skimask atop his head, steps in behind him.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Whatever the hell that is... Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Saul, meanwhile explores the RV.]''
:'''Walter:''' I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse:''' Crystal Ship! What I call this thing.
:'''Walter:''' Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul:''' &quot;No details&quot;? Fellas, that-- that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job, that can get you attorney-client privilege on-- on all matters!
:'''Walter:''' ''No. Details.''
:'''Saul:''' Look at this setup! I m-- What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse:''' No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter:''' I said no details!
:'''Jesse:''' Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter:''' He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse:''' Uh, I didn't wanna show him my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul:''' So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole friggin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering them before turning to the table.]''
:'''Saul:''' You two actually make the blue stuff? Here?
:''[He laughs and picks up a flask.]''
:'''Saul:''' That's amazing!
:'''Walter:''' Can you... not touch--?
:'''Saul:''' I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse:''' It's a, um, Round Bottom Flask. Right? Round Bottom? It's a flask, for distilling.
:'''Walter:''' It won't be if you break it, now please, put it down.
:'''Saul:''' Oh.
:''[Saul acquiesces, clearing his throat.]''
:'''Saul:''' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff, that means you're Igor and-- and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow! Hey, tell me, ho- how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter:''' Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. So, you have ''a'' job, ''one'' job... and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul:''' Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office, but until then, just-- Just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter:''' I'm taking the 80 thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul:''' Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um ''[clears throat]'' I'm calling shotgun!
:''[Saul saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat.]''
:'''Walter:''' I will drive.
:'''Jesse:''' Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand, I guess. (under his breath) ''Dick.''
:'''Saul:''' At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, y'know, I-- I've got bad knees. I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter:''' Dammit...
:'''Jesse:''' You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're--
:'''Walter:''' I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse:''' I guess that's why we're moving, then.
:'''Walter:''' It just was... Idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Oh-- You should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter:''' Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse:''' Bullshit--
:'''Saul:''' Look, fellas, I was enjoying the Laurel and Hardy vibe, but I'm not such a fan of the Bickersons. Now, can you get me back to my office? I-- I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter:''' We just need to sit a moment, that's all! When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walter takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walter clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walter a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse:''' So. Who's Lalo?
:'''Saul:''' Who?
:'''Jesse:''' Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out... Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul:''' ...It's nobody. Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, um, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now, just-- please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again.]''
:'''Jesse:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Bravo.
:'''Saul:''' I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice -- Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter:''' Hold on.
:''[Walt drives away.]''

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150575</id>
      <parentid>3150560</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T04:31:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>75.35.55.63</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Breaking Bad [6.11] */</comment>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''Breaking Bad'' [6.11] ===
:''[Pan up a door covered with duct-tape. Hold a few seconds before Saul Goodman wrenches it open and steps inside.]''
:'''Saul:''' What the hell is this? It's like James Whale's travelling roadshow in here...
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a skimask atop his head, steps in behind him.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Whatever the hell that is... Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Saul, meanwhile explores the RV.]''
:'''Walter:''' I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse:''' Crystal Ship! What I call this thing.
:'''Walter:''' Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul:''' &quot;No details&quot;? Fellas, that-- that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job, that can get you attorney-client privilege on-- on all matters!
:'''Walter:''' ''No. Details.''
:'''Saul:''' Look at this setup! I m-- What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse:''' No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter:''' I said no details!
:'''Jesse:''' Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter:''' He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse:''' Uh, I didn't wanna show him my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul:''' So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole friggin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering them before turning to the table.]''
:'''Saul:''' You two actually make the blue stuff? Here?
:''[He laughs and picks up a flask.]''
:'''Saul:''' That's amazing!
:'''Walter:''' Can you... not touch--?
:'''Saul:''' I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse:''' It's a, um, Round Bottom Flask. Right? Round Bottom? It's a flask, for distilling.
:'''Walter:''' It won't be if you break it, now please, put it down.
:'''Saul:''' Oh.
:''[Saul acquiesces, clearing his throat.]''
:'''Saul:''' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff, that means you're Igor and-- and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow! Hey, tell me, ho- how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter:''' Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. So, you have ''a'' job, ''one'' job... and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul:''' Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office, but until then, just-- Just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter:''' I'm taking the 80 thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul:''' Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um ''[clears throat]'' I'm calling shotgun!
:''[Saul saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat.]''
:'''Walter:''' I will drive.
:'''Jesse:''' Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand, I guess. (under his breath) ''Dick.''
:'''Saul:''' At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, y'know, I-- I've got bad knees. I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter:''' Dammit...
:'''Jesse:''' You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up--
:'''Walter:''' I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse:''' I guess that's why we're moving, then.
:'''Walter:''' It just was... Idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Oh-- You should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter:''' Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse:''' Bullshit--
:'''Saul:''' Look, fellas, I was enjoying the Laurel and Hardy vibe, but I'm not such a fan of the Bickersons. Now, can you get me back to my office? I-- I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter:''' We just need to sit a moment, that's all! When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walter takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walter clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walter a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse:''' So. Who's Lalo?
:'''Saul:''' Who?
:'''Jesse:''' Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out... Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul:''' ...It's nobody. Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, um, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now, just-- please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again.]''
:'''Jesse:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Bravo.
:'''Saul:''' I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice -- Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter:''' Hold on.
:''[Walt drives away.]''

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T05:07:07Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Breaking Bad [6.11] */</comment>
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:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual, like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address. Let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment, but Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high. Never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Before leaving the apartment, Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains her and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. [''chuckles''] And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. [''clicks tongue''] Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops at one of the large washers]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' [''chuckles; in English''] Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores!  ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff:''' What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff:''' Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff:''' Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:'''Jeff:''' Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff:''' Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff:''' I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff:''' Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I'll do it.
:'''Jeff:''' This sounds good to you?
:'''Jeff's Friend:''' I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff:''' Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff:''' In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Jeff's Friend''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Jeff's Friend''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''Breaking Bad'' [6.11] ===
:''[Pan up a door covered with duct-tape. Hold a few seconds before Saul Goodman wrenches it open and steps inside.]''
:'''Saul:''' What the hell is this? It's like James Whale's travelling roadshow in here...
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a skimask atop his head, steps in behind him.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Whatever the hell that is... Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Saul, meanwhile explores the RV.]''
:'''Walter:''' I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse:''' Crystal Ship! What I call this thing.
:'''Walter:''' Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul:''' &quot;No details&quot;? Fellas, that-- that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job, that can get you attorney-client privilege on-- on all matters!
:'''Walter:''' ''No. Details.''
:'''Saul:''' Look at this setup! I m-- What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse:''' No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter:''' I said no details!
:'''Jesse:''' Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter:''' He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse:''' Uh, I didn't wanna show him my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul:''' So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole friggin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering them before turning to the table.]''
:'''Saul:''' You two actually make the blue stuff. Here?
:''[He laughs and picks up a flask.]''
:'''Saul:''' That's amazing!
:'''Walter:''' Can you not... touch...?
:'''Saul:''' I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse:''' It's a, um, Round Bottom Flask. ''[he turns to Walt]'' Right? Round Bottom?
:''[Walt shrugs.]''
:'''Jesse:'''It's a flask, for distilling.
:'''Walter:''' It won't be if you break it, now please, put it down.
:'''Saul:''' Oh.
:''[Saul acquiesces, clearing his throat.]''
:'''Saul:''' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff, that means you're Igor and-- and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow! Hey, tell me, ho- how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter:''' Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. So, you have ''a'' job, ''one'' job... and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul:''' Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office, but until then, just-- Just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter:''' I'm taking the 80 thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul:''' Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um ''[clears throat]'' I'm calling shotgun!
:''[Saul saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat.]''
:'''Walter:''' I will drive.
:'''Jesse:''' Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand, I guess. (under his breath) ''Dick.''
:'''Saul:''' At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, y'know, I-- I've got bad knees. I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter:''' Dammit...
:'''Jesse:''' You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up--
:'''Walter:''' I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse:''' I guess that's why we're moving, then.
:'''Walter:''' It just was... Idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse:''' Oh-- You should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter:''' Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse:''' Bullshit--
:'''Saul:''' Look, fellas, I was enjoying the Laurel and Hardy vibe, but I'm not such a fan of the Bickersons. Now, can you get me back to my office? I-- I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter:''' We just need to sit a moment, that's all! When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walter takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walter clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walter a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse:''' So. Who's Lalo?
:'''Saul:''' Who?
:'''Jesse:''' Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out... Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul:''' ...It's nobody. Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, um, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now, just-- please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again.]''
:'''Jesse:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Bravo.
:'''Saul:''' I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice -- Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter:''' Hold on.
:''[Walt drives away.]''

=== [6.12] ===

=== [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>ml7f3ppwca2mb58ko93rget0d14hpmk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:Ilovemydoodle</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>247097</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150526</id>
      <parentid>3150177</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:43:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4564" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
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        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
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      <sha1>85n6gv9nfcdw6oabu25p3r0glpq6oc1</sha1>
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      <id>3150528</id>
      <parentid>3150527</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:44:13Z</timestamp>
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        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
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&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})</text>
      <sha1>o2d1ifjc7960sowvfps1qyy45h1mz0v</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150530</id>
      <parentid>3150529</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:44:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4564" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{{name|{{{1|{{ROOTPAGENAME}}}}}}}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
{{#if:{{{reason|}}}|&lt;br /&gt;{{{reason}}}}}
}}{{#if:{{{nocat|}}}||
[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]
}}

{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|405px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})</text>
      <sha1>s5j0obylco16qolyg31axjihg6n54ck</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150531</id>
      <parentid>3150530</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:44:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4564" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{{name|{{{1|{{ROOTPAGENAME}}}}}}}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
{{#if:{{{reason|}}}|&lt;br /&gt;{{{reason}}}}}
}}{{#if:{{{nocat|}}}||
[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]
}}

{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|425px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})</text>
      <sha1>327ixhfqxdsrckd44r8m7b6nuyb2rqe</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150532</id>
      <parentid>3150531</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:44:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4564" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{{name|{{{1|{{ROOTPAGENAME}}}}}}}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
{{#if:{{{reason|}}}|&lt;br /&gt;{{{reason}}}}}
}}{{#if:{{{nocat|}}}||
[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]
}}

{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|420px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})</text>
      <sha1>bwpw0tbrpzorprtke2wb1k1t58uf8xo</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150533</id>
      <parentid>3150532</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:45:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Discouraged</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4566" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{{name|{{{1|{{ROOTPAGENAME}}}}}}}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
{{#if:{{{reason|}}}|&lt;br /&gt;{{{reason}}}}}
}}{{#if:{{{nocat|}}}||
[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]
}}

{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|419.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})</text>
      <sha1>fbbpcq9e1acwnlzue4pcrop5xhfykt6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150539</id>
      <parentid>3150533</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:51:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4533" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|419.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>a3baykwb3rwz6t4hvsc5mvd3saqh2ap</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150540</id>
      <parentid>3150539</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:51:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4533" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>mtfuvuhwuwyshl58jpkjfn6exijuxvg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150541</id>
      <parentid>3150540</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:52:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4535" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|340.5px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>hfqsd8hpq3l6cpzn6hgqjqg3plpiis1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150542</id>
      <parentid>3150541</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:52:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4533" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|341px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress2.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>ij59kxr3ta066n9du22w2nixy3j4m31</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150544</id>
      <parentid>3150542</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T01:06:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>That was a lie</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4533" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|341px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress4.png|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>lx0ijhbhxniad7bkdvsnii6ijffig9n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150546</id>
      <parentid>3150544</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T01:10:57Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Nope</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4539" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|341px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress3D 5 v3.jpg|right|thumbnail]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>e6w83bug1cl34j2dpt0r2x51cjrsstr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150548</id>
      <parentid>3150546</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T01:15:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4559" xml:space="preserve">{{Notice box|text=&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; visibility: hidden;&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]]
&lt;!-- All users after this line are not admins, they just want to be pinged. You, yourself, can be added here, too, just add yourself below this line. --&gt;
&lt;/span&gt;If a page or template that I created has been deleted, please move it to my user space. Thanks.}}


{{Userpage|Ilovemydoodle}}

{{ombox
|type=notice
|image = [[File:Sad Old Woman.jpg|75px]]
|style = text-align:center;
|text = {{ROOTPAGENAME}} is currently feeling [[w:WP:Wikipedia is failing|discouraged]] about Wikiquote and is taking an off-and-on  [[w:Wikipedia:Wikibreak|wikibreak]] due to loss of motivation. &lt;br /&gt;
Your help in cheering this user up would be appreciated.&lt;br /&gt;
They will return when their [[m:Wikistress|wikistress]] has dissipated, and their confidence in the [[w:Wikipedia:Community portal|wikicommunity]] has been restored.
&lt;br /&gt;I am discouraged due to template deletion.}}


{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

__NOTOC__{{Vertical line|341px|31.55%|449.5px}}
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Twinkle &lt;/h2&gt;

{{User Twinkle}}

{{RecentChangesTwinkle}}

{{Twinkle topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;div style=&quot;width: 50%; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: 32%;&quot;&gt;
&lt;h2&gt; &amp;#8201;Hotcat &lt;/h2&gt;

{{Hotcat}}

{{Hotcat2}}

{{Hotcat3}}

{{Hotcat4}}

{{Hotslicedbread}}

{{HotCat topicon}}

&lt;/div&gt;


&lt;!-- I am '''NOT''' a UFO. --&gt;


{{Babel|en|wikispeak-3}}&lt;div style=&quot;float: right&quot;&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;position: absolute;&quot;&gt;


{{Userboxtop}}{{Vandals don't like this user}}{{User contrib|9500}}{{User Wikipediholic|396}}{{Userboxbottom}}[[File:Wikistress3D 5 v3.jpg|right|thumbnail|From Template VfDs!]]&lt;/div&gt;&lt;/div&gt;

== Settings ==

{{/cs/u}}

== IP edits I’ve made ==

[[Special:Contributions/2603:7080:da3c:7a33::/64|Full list]]

== Trusted editors ==

Here is my list of trusted editors:
{{/S|lat|Trusted List}}

== Untrusted editors ==

Here is my list of untrusted editors:
* All GRP socks

== E-Mail ==

Please don't e-mail unless you really need to.

== Subpages ==

* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/long|The long page]]
* [[User:Ilovemydoodle/crash|Crash your browser!]]

== Forks ==

* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Joe Biden|Joe Biden]]
* [[{{FULLPAGENAME}}/forks/Main/Kamala Harris|Kamala Harris]]

[[Category:Wikiquotians]]
[[Category:Twinkle Users]]

== Templates ==

=== Finished ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|T}}
* {{t|Blue}}
* {{t|Change title}}
* {{t|Ds}}
* {{t|Qs}}
* {{t|Duplicate}}
* {{t|Duplicate (10x)}}
* {{t|GRP}}
* {{t|PGRP}}
* {{t|Move left}}
* {{t|Move right}}
* {{t|N}}
* {{t|Ping all administrators}}
* {{t|Quotes}}
* {{t|REDACTED}}
* {{t|Random number}}
* {{t|Random number2}}
* {{t|Sarcasm inline}}
* {{t|This}}
* {{t|Url-formatting}}
* {{t|void}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Banplz}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA}}
* {{t|BlockedLTA}}
* {{t|Blockedreason}}
* {{t|SectionCheck}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto}}
* {{t|Under construction}}
* {{t|Formatting}}

==== Special-use ====

* {{t|Admin accountability poll}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Banplzb}}
* {{t|Banplzbb}}
* {{t|Banplz2/confirm}}
* {{t|Closed/Color}}
* {{t|Closed/Query}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck}}
* {{t|Closed/QueryCheck/sub}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Invalidate}}
* {{t|Closed/preload/Verify}}
* {{t|Double strikethrough}}
* {{t|Quadruple strikethrough}}
* {{t|Move left/styles.css}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/confirm}}
* {{t|PotentialLTA/reject}}
* {{t|The Admin's Barnstar (Ottawahitech)/auto/preload}}

=== Unfinished/In progress ===

==== Simple ====

* {{t|CheckIP}}
* {{t|Move up}}
* {{t|Move up2}}
* {{t|Ping active users}}

==== Complex ====

* {{t|Closed}}
* {{t|Cut}}
* {{t|CutText}}
* &lt;s&gt;{{t|Ping all users}}&lt;/s&gt; ({{red|deleted}})
* {{t|Reopen}}

==== Backend (Templates used exclusively by other Templates) ====

* {{t|Closed/Backend}}
* {{t|Move up2/styles.css}}
* {{t|Move up/styles.css}}
* {{t|Reopen/preload}}

=== Database ===

* {{t|LTADatabase}}
* {{t|Closed/DataBase/VerifiedDataBase}}

== To do ==

* Sort out {{tld|Blockquote}} ({{orange|'''stalled'''}})
* Have koavf implement features ({{yellow|'''waiting'''}})
* &lt;s&gt;Get unblocked from Wikipedia&lt;/s&gt; ({{green|'''done!'''}})

[[Category:Wikiquotians feeling discouraged]]</text>
      <sha1>gch9p4ep9wxhpxfx6v6eb2dso9cp51o</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Quotes about Elvis Presley (M–Z)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>247865</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150427</id>
      <parentid>3143958</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:43:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>186.77.197.209</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* T */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="566157" xml:space="preserve">:&lt;small&gt; The last names, or names by which people are best known and whose quotes are included below are arranged alphabetically, for ease of referenceː&lt;/small&gt;

== M ==

* I used to mime  music-making to records before I started formal piano lessons around age nine, but it was seeing Elvis Presley perform on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1957 that really got me excited about playing music.  I was totally in love with both Elvis and Bo Diddley,  but that wasn't allowed in my house. I wanted to be a guitar player, but they wouldn't allow a guitar in the house. I had to play classical music on the piano, so it took a long time to get somewhere. Eventually, my dad bought me an alto saxophone and I fell into playing sax but before long, rock ‘n’ roll struck as part of the British Invasion, and I  reverted to the keyboard.
** [[w:Willie Macalder|Willie Macalder]], Canadian musician, in an article on his induction in the Edmonton Blues Hall of Fame, as published by the Edmonton Journal on May 24, 2018

* Others get a kick out of Elvis,  a passing phase so I recommend the Government feed the souls of men with the music of Beethoven and Dvorak. I never realized that I was so far out of date until I saw this artist on a CBC television production. Heaven help us if that is the way our generation is going... 
**[[w:William Ross Macdonald|William Ross Macdonald]],   Senator and the then  Leader of the Government in the Senate,  commenting,  on the   record and      in January 23  of 1957,  about Elvis  popularity. 

* But it is Presley's singing, halfway between a western and a rock 'n' roll style, that has sent teenagers into a trance; they like his wailing in a popular song like &quot;Blue Moon&quot; or such western tunes as &quot;I'll Never Let You Go&quot;, but they go crazy over the earthy, lusty mood of such rock 'n' roll numbers as &quot;Money Honey&quot;; and the reason is simple enough: Presley sings with a beat; and you can be certain that there'll always be music with a beat and that, whether you like it or not, there will always be an Elvis Presley.
** Helen MacNamara, Canadian Music writer and book author, writing on Presley's future impact, as published on the June 9, 1956 issue of &quot;Saturday Night Magazine&quot;

* France's Elvis brought a part of America into our national pantheon. And all of us in France have something of Johnny Hallyday in us.
** {{w|Emmanuel Macron}}, President of France, on the death of Johnny Hallyday, as published in the Evening Standard on 6 December, 2017.

* He is  probably more famous than anyome who has ever been famous 
** {{w|Michael Madsen}} in the Truth about Elvis trailer. 

* Oh, they can kiss my ass,” she says of critics who might accuse her of borrowing other cultures’ fixtures. It's a topic she seems interested to discuss. “I’m not appropriating anything. I’m inspired and I’m referencing other cultures. That is my right as an artist. They said Elvis Presley stole African-American culture. That’s our job as artists, to turn the world upside down and make everyone feel bewildered and have to rethink everything.”
** [[w:Madonna|Madonna]], in an article by Michael Jacobs entitled &quot;To hell and back, Madonna lives to tell&quot;, as published by the Huffington Post on 13 March, 2015.

* In 1957, I came home from school one day and my mother said she read in the newspaper that Elvis was going to play the arena right near my high school. She didn't want me to go see Elvis. But years later, when the Electric Factory Concerts I then headed booked Elvis at the Spectrum, in 1971, she was the first to ask me for tickets...
** Larry Magid, founder of {{w|Electric Factory Concerts}} in an interview with Amplify, published in their online edition of October 12, 2017.

* When Ed made his weekly call to the Trendex ratings service, he confirmed what he had suspected: Allen's show with Elvis had soundly beaten his, garnering a 20.2 rating with a 55.3% share  (about 40 million viewers), compared with his own show's 14.8 rating and 39.7 % share (roughly 19 million).  Within the week, he called Presley's manager, Colonel Tom Parker. It was time to make a deal. Colonel Parker, knowing he had Ed where he wanted him, extracted a whopping $50,000 for three appearances, far more than any previous Sullivan guest. On September 9, 1956, the camera would pull  up at times to show only his upper torso. Yet the limited camera angle didn't dampen the effect —if anything, his facial expression, the abandon on his face, was more potent than even his gyrating hips. This was untamed beatific energy,  the definition of charisma, a bolt of white-hot energy. The all-girl cheering section sounded like it was on the verge of storming the stage. Never before had so much female sexual desire been broadcast into so many American living rooms. The evening was a decisive ratings triumph, garnering a 43.7 Trendex rating, an 82.6% share,  translating to some sixty million people, or about a third of the country—  the largest television audience to date. Indeed, Elvis' performance of “Hound Dog” that night would be one of a small handful of moments that defined the decade.
** James Maguire,  in Chapter 12 of his book  &quot;Impresario: The Life and Times of [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]], published by Billboard in 2006.

* In his Grammy-winning 1986 song &quot;Graceland,&quot; Paul Simon reveals his thoughts during a road trip to the home of Elvis Presley in Memphis. In the lyrics, Simon states, “For reasons I cannot explain there’s some part of me wants to see Graceland.” Even though I can't list myself as a dedicated fan, I have always appreciated his tremendous talent and the major impact he had on the world of entertainment. Not only his musical talent crossed many genres, but there's no question that he is one of the cultural icons of the 20th century. So once there, we were impressed by the mansion itself, which continues to have the feel of the 1960s-style residence Elvis developed and loved so much. The original 10,266-square-foot Colonial Revival style mansion was built in 1939 for a Memphis socialite and her husband. The expansive surrounding property includes the “Meditation Garden,” containing the graves of the singer, his parents Vernon and Gladys and his grandmother Minnie Presley. So, do we recommend the Graceland experience? The answer is yes, as the house, property and family cemetery are all definitely worth seeing.
** Jeff Maguire, writing for [[w:Ottawa|Inside Ottawa Walley]], in an article entitled &quot;Graceland pilgrimage fulfilled longtime wish&quot;, as published in their March 27,  2019 edition.

* Yes, I've known him for his music and films, and indeed he is one of my favourites
** King [[w:Mahendra of Nepal|Mahendra of Nepal]]'s answer on whether Elvis  was one of his favourites, as told  after meeting him  on the set of &quot;G.I. Blues&quot; and  as reported in a May 11, 1960 story by the  Los Angeles Times writer Walter Ames.

* Performing a few more classics like &quot;Crossroads&quot; and &quot;Vincent&quot; from his &quot;American Pie&quot; album, he takes a break between songs to talk about setting off from his hometown for the first time to pursue his music in California and witnessing the the MGM Studio auctions in the late 60's. Moving on, he took a step back in time to &quot;And I Love You So&quot;, from his debut album, Tapestry, released in 1970. The song became an instant classic at its release, and was covered by many of the greats including &quot;my favorite&quot;, McLean revealed, &quot;Elvis Presley&quot;, who recorded it and used it in 125 of his live performances from 1975 until his death in 1977.
** Shawn Costa, reviewing for Mass Live a performance by singer songwriter [[w:Don McLean|Don McLean]] in Hartfort, CT on October 15, 2016

* My next book is about how the U.S. Army tried to ‘transform’ itself to meet the challenges of the atomic bomb, as well as the American experiment with a large peacetime, short-service citizen-soldier force and conscription. The idea that someone as famous and controversial as Elvis Presley could be drafted and become a symbol of the U.S. military and the nation's commitment to the defense of the free world fascinates me. His exemplary military service was well chosen, for that young man quietly accepted the call to duty, raised his hand and took the oath, wore the uniform and performed soldierly tasks as well as he had cavorted on the stage before adoring teenyboppers. Thus, after years of unremitting effort, the all-volunteer force that many call “the best Army this or any other nation has ever fielded” has come to face new enemies, new challenges with, if not sublime confidence, at least sturdy resolution. In considering the long hard period of transformation, one ponders the profound commentary of Elvis Presley's first sergeant: “By submitting to the draft and entering the Army as an ordinary private, Elvis accepted the discipline of an institution that had come to play a vital role in transforming men from assorted backgrounds into soldiers and Americans. A condensed version of those lines might stand as a pretty good inscription on the Pelvis’ tombstone.
** Review of Military historian {{w|Brian McAllister Linn}} book, &quot;Elvis Army, Cold War GIs and the atomic battlefield&quot; (Harvard University Press), as published in the Roanoke Times, on 23 September 2016.

* In &quot;Clambake&quot;, Elvis was going to do a scene in a bar with Shelley Fabares, and in the back these waiters were wearing —you know, the tasseled cup hats and also wearing vests with gold trim and stuff, so I went and put one of those on, as a joke, and then they put a moustache on me. So I'm cleaning up a table, and Elvis is about 5 or 10 feet away from where I'm cleaning, and as he's talking to her, I'm knocking over glasses and finally they said, “Cut!” And he didn't look around —he just kind of shrugged— but I did it purposely three times in a row, and on the third time he turned around and said, ““What the hell are you doing over there? Well, anyways, I did the next take right, and you can spot me back there. He used to called me “Double Trouble,” actually because they did a movie where he was playing cousins and he had to play a blonde, so his Memphis Mafia kept teasing him: “You look like that guy on The Big Valley! So we used to play tricks on each other all the time. He’d be on stage at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, and I’d come off the other side from where he’s leaning down and singing, and I’d get some scarves and bring ’em out, and he’d hear this roaring over there from the other side of the stage, and he’d see me and go, “What the hell are you doing over there?” We'd do stuff like that all the time. We had a good time and yeah, well, Elvis and I were friends. It's too bad he died so young.
** [[w:Lee Majors|Lee Majors]], in an interview with A.V. Club on Nov 28, 2016

* Elvis took risks by being a pioneer in his adaptation of black culture. He received huge stick for perpetuating what some of his Southern brethren were referring to as “degenerate nigger music” and the threat it posed to the social order by the fact that blacks and whites were digging his music whether listening to it on the radio or live at (segregated) venues. Much has been made of the way in which he conducted his private life,  but this had a lot to do with his living within a kind  of fame that few humans could comprehend. So many people often remember how well mannered and humble he appeared to be in his  interactions.  He may not be ‘The King’ to all  but his impact on the course of music history cannot be denied and should not be denigrated.
** [[w:Academia.edu|Deyinka Makinde]], UK writer,  in an article entitled Elvis: Ruminations on Elvis Presley and Black America and published in Acadmia.edu in August of 2004.

* I  always thought that singers have what I call  the Elvis Presley syndrome — they think they're Elvis Presley. But they're not Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Yngwie Malmsteen|Yngwie Malmsteen]], Swedish guitar player extraordinaire, citing one of the reasons he finally got tired of playing lead guitar for numerous other singers and, thus,  in his latest album, decided to sing himself, as published by Blabbermouth on October 18, 2018.

* Ever since I was a kid, I was just glued to the record player. I would save allowances to buy Elvis records every week and still remember when I first heard &quot;It's Now or Never&quot;. I thought that was the greatest rock 'n' roll record I ever heard. It just blew my mind. But it blew my mind even more when my mom showed me it was actually an Italian aria. O Sole Mio, remains a part of my performance repertoire to this day. It was like, 'There you go. There is a connection with all of this music.' It all started from there.&quot;
** [[w:Raul Malo|Raul Malo]], US singer and songwriter  of Cuban extraction explaining to Walter Tunis how he became a music aficionado, as published on November 27 at Lex.go.co

* Other than Sinatra, there are only a handful of people who meant as much to the world of film as they did to the world of music,  Bing Crosby, Doris Day and Elvis Presley
** [[w:Leonard Maltin|Leonard Maltin]], US film critic and historian,  as noted  in the preface to the book included with the &quot;Frank Sinatra in Hollywood box set&quot;.

* Since emerging in 2003, Chen has become China's highest-profile fashion photographers. Her work regularly appears on the covers of the Chinese editions of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, and Elle. She is known for her bold, vibrant style that merges Chinese tradition with high fashion; Gender reversal is a central theme in Chen's work, as seen in a series of portraits, where Chen cast the Chinese actress [[w:Fan Bingbing|Fan Bingbing]], as various pop culture icons, namely Marilyn Monroe, Che Guevara, Superman, Bruce Lee, and Elvis Presley.
**About [[w:Chen Man|Chen Man]], China's top  visual artist, as published on February 21, 2018 in Broad Tones in an article entitled  &quot;China, Captured: How Chen Man Redefined Fashion&quot;

* The audience listened attentively as Eric Meola told about the one that got away – a sore spot for every professional photographer. It was catching up with Bruce Springsteen in an airport the day Elvis Presley died. Meola recounted how as he approached, he saw Bruce sitting on some luggage reading a newspaper with the headline proclaiming the end of Elvis. Bruce put the paper down and noticed Meola coming and at that point the moment was gone. &quot;I wasn't about to ask him to recreate it&quot;, he said.
** {{w|Michael Mancuso}}, for True NJ, reporting on how Meola and several other photographers recalled their working for Bruce Springsteen, following a panel discussion held at Princeton University's McCosh Hall, on March 3, 2017.

* Be like Elvis, go man go
** {{w|Princess Zenani Mandela-Dlamini}}'s words of encouragement to her father, written in an envelope containing a letter sent by her to her father during his time in solitary confinement at Robben Island Prison, as published in the 2018 book entitled 'The Prison Letters of Nelson Mandela'

* The music of Elvis Presley is very lively and popular, and I am glad to know that you are as fond of his music as I am, too.
** {{w|Nelson Mandela}}'s comment in a handwritten letter  dated March 1971, sent to his oldest daughter the now Princess {{w|Zenani Mandela-Dlamini}} from Robben Island Prison and as published in the 2018 book entitled 'The Prison Letters of Nelson Mandela'

* It was a little painful for me to get involved in the 1968 Special. There were two choreographers already hired by NBC, Claude Thompson and Jaime Rogers and although I had danced for Elvis, I wasn't one of their dancers, nor they knew who I was. But either Elvis, director [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] or Joe Esposito suggested I be allowed to dance, so they assigned me to Jaime's dancers. After an embarrasing start, after all, each choreographer prefers to use their own dancers, things were better for me. I was in a scene which Jaime directed but the NBC censors cut, the bordello scene. Now, on the side [[w:Lance Legault|Lance Legault]] and I worked with Elvis on some the dancing sequences and we would sometimes give him advice. He was an amazing listener, and  one of the best natural dance movers that I ever worked with.  He could do everything, an ability to just feel it from the inside out. But the one thing that stood out in my mind on the set was when I was called over to where the guys all hung out, taking a break. And he was talking, seated  while  giving a donation to a group of nuns that were on the set. And I am thinking to myself, OK, this man makes a very good living, I would assume but  he was taking his five minute break to talk to each one of these nuns, and find out where they were all  from. And I was just standing there listening. And that meant so much to me. It was unbelievable experience to watch him give like that. To give money is one thing, but to give of his time, and to give of his soul and to care about where all of these nuns came from,  that was just such a highlight and memory for me.
** [[w:Anita Mann|Anita Mann]] Five time Emmy Award recipient, choreographer, dancer and actress, speaking for the Television Academy Foundation on her contribution to Elvis feeling more relaxed on the dancing sequences during the shooting of the 1968 TV special

* It wag a lead pipe cinch that at the first masquerade party around these parts, some guests were sure to come as Dodger baseball players. Sure enough Harry James, Betty Grable and Mrs. Monte Proser did it first at the &quot;howling&quot; Halloween shindig hosted by Sy Devore and Sol Meadows. Debbie Reynolds was a clown and Eddie Fisher a &quot;teenage&quot; werewolf.  Marie McDonald, had no trouble looking like a gorgeous princess on the arm of Harry Karl, her private life prince. Joanne Bradshaw came as &quot;backless&quot; Vikki Dougan. Nat &quot;King&quot; Cole showed up as Elvis Presley, although the original was present. No people in the world love getting dressed up in costume more than actors who spend their lives getting dressed up in a costume for a living, so a large time was had by all.
** [[w:Louella Parsons|Dorothy Manners]], assistant to Louella Parsons, and writing on her behalf about the scene at Sy Davore's Hallowing Party, and published by the King syndication newspapers on November 4, 1957,

* This was the plan: we would take a holy and sacred picture of Elvis Presley, to the very summit of the earth; once there, we would place it with sincere reverence amongst the chimerical shimmering palaces of ice and snow and then, accompanied by some weird Zen magic,  we would light joss sticks, dance about making screechy kung-fu noises, get off our faces, and that would be it: Planet Earth saved. Simple.”
** Graphic artist [[w:Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction|Mark Manning]], in his book Bad Wisdom, published in 1996.

* Elvis Presley swam under musical waters where country ballads, New Orleans trumpets and urban and rural blues converged. In the US  South, music was not a passtime, rather a way of life,  a contradiction which fascinated  and transcended the day to day hardships, congregation and the devil's music. Elvis' genious was to absorb it all, then propell the so called rock and roll amalgam  into open space, while simultaneouly becoming its only true King
** Diego A. Manrique, Spanish Music historian, as excerpted from in his book, ‘Mitología, ritos y leyendas del rock’ as published in Alanytics, on 24 November 2021

* It is difficult to imagine two more dissimilar personalities than Elvis Presley and Mahatma Gandhi. And yet the words of Elvis Presley are strangely close to Gandhi's thinking when he said that he dreamt of an India where he would be able to wipe the last tears of the last child, words reminiscent to what Elvis once said and I quote &quot;I figure all any kid needs is hope and the feeling that he or she belongs. If I could do or say anything that would give some kid that feeling, I would believe I had contributed something to the world&quot;
** [[w:Lalit Mansingh|Lalit Mansingh]], Indian Ambassador to the US and former Foreign Minister, in his speech  as a  special guest at the Gandhi Exhibit Inaugural Gala presented by the Indian Community Fund for Greater Memphis, which followed an inauguration ceremony for the exhibit at the National Civil Rights Museum installed for the 35th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's death, as published at the Commercial Appeal on August 5, 2003.

* Actually I wouldn't be here in jail if not for those people you call family. They are the ones who put me here. I didn̪'t want to be seen, just  be left  alone in the desert. But they said, he is our star. I would have gone  ahead and let you bleed an Elvis Presley, you could have HIM for your little dreams, not me. I lived in Elvis Presley’s house, man. He ran me out of the yard. I got mad at him, I was going to throw some rocks at him. I never liked him even a little bit, but everybody else always kow-towed to him because he was rich and everything. To me, I don’t give a fuck how rich you are, I’ll just bust you up anyway.
** [[w:Charles Manson|Charles Manson]], in CharlesMansonssamples, at YouTube

* I never met him, although I saw his show in Las Vegas, and the great feeling I had after listening to his version of &quot;Somos Novios&quot; (&quot;Its impossible&quot;) was always so well known in music circles that the other day I received the main master, in acetate form, from a friend who just passed away. It's without a doubt my most valuable treasure.
** [[w:Armando Manzanero|Armando Manzanero]], Mexican singer songwriter's opinion on Elvis and of his having recorded one of his songs &quot;Its impossible&quot;, as related in NP25TV 2015

* While Archbishop [[w:Justin Welby|Justin Welby]] has denied statements about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s secret wedding that took place three days before their publicized royal wedding in 2018, pictures have proven otherwise, showing Welby dressed as Elvis in the secret ceremony, with a quiff that represented the famous rock singer’s hair, sideburns, and shades.  Archbishop Welby also held and strummed a red guitar in tribute of Meghan’s love for the late Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:Meghan Markle|Meghan Markle]]'s secret wedding to [[w:Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex|Prince Harry]], as reported by film daily on April 1, 2021.

* He was ahead of his time because he had such deep feelings and had the privilege of deep feelings because he was deeply loved by his mother, Gladys. He was able to appreciate profound beauty in sounds and he started a musical revolution. In fact, they say all revolutions start from love.
** [[w:Imelda Marcos|Imelda Marcos]], former First Lady of the Philippines, as published in www.graceland.com

* If any individual of our time can be said to have changed the world, Elvis Presley is the one. In his wake more than music is different. Nothing and no one looks or sounds the same. His music was the most liberating event of our era because it taught us new possibilities of feeling and perception, new modes of action and appearance, and because it reminded us not only of his greatness, but of our own potential. As to his comeback in 1968, it was the finest music of his life. If ever there was music that bleeds, this was it.The second edition of my book came out after Elvis died, and I was asked to put the whole Elvis chapter in the past tense, and I said no. The reason was that Elvis' presence was so powerful, I felt he's always in the present tense. When you listen to anything that says Elvis Presley to you, whoever you are, whether it's &quot;Long Black Limousine&quot; or &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; or &quot;Milkcow Blues Boogie&quot; or &quot;Any Day Now&quot; — I could go on forever — but the physical presence is so strong that death walks away. There's an obscene Elvis outtake of &quot;Stranger in My Hometown&quot;. Elvis is singing and suddenly it becomes completely autobiographical, and he explodes — he says &quot;I'm gonna start driving my motherfucking truck again. All them cocksuckers stopped being friendly, but you can't keep a hard prick down.&quot; He just goes off, yet it's completely musical, not just breaking down and screaming. He's right there. Every one of his greatest performances is in a way unfinished, because the emotion in them is so rich and so strained, in the best way, trying so hard to say what you mean emotionally, though you can never say everything, so as you listen, you add to that, you're engaged, you're taking part in the dialogue. So that will always be the present tense.
** [[w:Greil Marcus|Greil Marcus]], discussing the 40th anniversary of his book &quot;Mystery Train&quot; in a retrospective interview with Rob Sheffield of RollingStone published in the magazine's online edition on October 19, 2015.

* Elvis made more girls cry than anyone so the reference ( to flip the script there with a song about making boys cry), was irresistible. It was important that the song could represent empowerment without being divisive, because that's how Elvis was. In fact, I didn't know a lot about him until I visited Graceland recently.  Beyond his music, I'm moved by how much he cared for people. I've been telling my friends and fans some of the things I learned about it, and I'm excited that some of them are discovering him for the first time because of my video for ‘Boy Cry.’””
** Country artist Tegan Marie,  in an article  published by Forbes on June 29, 2018.

* Critiques of the Ed Sullivan program assumed that the Presley appeal was strictly telegenic—not vocal. His vocal style, in fact, was every bit as mobile as his hips. Since most of the journalists on the Elvis beat denied him any artistry, his two-and-a-third-octave range was never mentioned and the music itself was rarely analyzed.
** Author Karal Ann Marling, as noted in her 1996 book, &quot;As Seen on TV: The Visual Culture of Everyday Life in the 1950s (Harvard University Press).

* i) The biggest thing Elvis had was the command he had on stage, how he could control the crowd and the band. There’s a performance where he does ‘Hound Dog&quot; and at the end he slows it down, and – to me – it looked like an improv moment, not like something they rehearsed. It was like Presley saw girls in the audience freaking out and said to himself: ‘Watch me slow it down – and then really go nuts.’ And he slows it down at the end and then starts his little dance.....ii) impersonating Elvis at the age of four is when I first realized I wanted to become a performer.
** [[w:Bruno Mars|Bruno Mars]], speaking to reporters on his love of Elvis Presley's music, as reported by the AP ii) realitytvworld.com/news/bruno-mars-talks-fashion-e

*  Many artists are taking pictures of Elvis Presley, for example, and flipping them to create various iterations of color or texture. A lot of what Pop-Art has become is solely based on the familiar image and very little behind it. With my work, I want to talk about why Elvis or Audrey Hepburn will live on forever. Icons of mid century American history are still so prevalent today because they had interesting stories and immense talent, not just great marketing skills. Warhol said it best, that everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. The important aspect is having something positive to say.
** Pop artist [[w:Robert Mars|Robert Mars]], as published on the Huffington Post on January 12, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;Innovation Over Inundation: The 21st Century's Stand Out Pop-Artist.

* Elvis Presley was an explorer of vast new landscapes of dream and illusion. He was a man who refused to be told that the best of his dreams would not come true, who refused to be defined by anyone else's perceptions. This is the goal of democracy, the journey on which every American hero sets out. That Elvis made so much of the journey on his own is reason enough to remember him with the honor and love we reserve for the bravest among us. Such men made the only maps we can trust.

* I don’t know what President Trump’s future holds, but I think Elvis rock ’n’ roll music’s still playin
** Senator [[w:Roger Marshall (politician)|Roger Marshall]] (R),   drawing a comparison between Elvis and former US Pres. Donald Trump, as noted  in  the Wall Street Journal' s March 4, 2022 edition 

* There are some things — football, particle physics, heavy metal, and constitutional law among them — that I love, but don't love nearly as much as I love the way people love them. Give me a choice between watching the Super Bowl and watching people talk about the Super Bowl for two hours, and I'll always pick the latter: Listen to someone explain their passion, and eventually, they'll show you their soul. But at the very top of this list of loves, there can only be one man, Elvis Presley. I love him, I think to myself as I leave Graceland, as much as I can love a human being I have never truly known. But, maybe more than anything else about him, I love him for the fact that both his presence and his absence created a space for people to come together and try to comprehend the capacity for destruction and redemption, the sheer power, of their love. I love the potential for intimacy and revelation such a space allows. I love that it has lingered long enough for me to find it....
** Writer [[w:Sarah Marshall|Sarah Marshall]], contributing for The Week, on 23 August, 2013

* I remembered meeting Elvis and he was the one who told me my dad was the king of cool. I'll never forget that.
** Singer [[w:Deana Martin|Deana Martin]], reflecting on her father Dean's music legacy, encounters and rumors, as published by Fox News on September 23, 2017.

* I never sang to people. I sang for them, so in 1956, I told that to Elvis Presley. After that he sang not to but for the audience. A subtle difference.
** Singer [[w:Tony Martin|Tony Martin]] as noted in rainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley_2.html

* After Ann Margret's show, which I had opened for, Elvis came up to see her, they were friends, so there were in a suite and I see this beautiful woman, Priscilla, his wife, coming in, and then I see Elvis, he looks wow, lean, great, so he walks by me, sees me, and says.... &quot;Son you have an oblique sense of humor....
** Comedian [[w:Steve Martin|Steve Martin]], at the Dave Letterman Show. Years later he wrote a play where Presley, along with Einstein and Picasso, are the main  characters, called &quot;Picasso at the Lapin Agile&quot;:

* I idolized Elvis. I sent him so many songs and I never heard word one. Then one day in 1976  I was pitching songs and this famous publisher sat down next to me and says, ‘Layng, do you have a song for Elvis?” There were three I thought might work. Interestingly, the one I  was least excited about, the one I  almost didn't bother to send in, was the one Elvis chose. The song was &quot;Way Down.&quot;  Someone in the music industry called me i 1977  to  tell me  &quot;Way Down&quot; was climbing the charts. I  was so excited. Two days later, I got another call, this time from my attorney.  She said, &quot;Layng, are you near a television? Elvis Presley is dead. How did this happen?.  He listened to my demo of me singing  It was just the most impossible thing I've ever heard of. And it still is,  that  my song would be the last he released as a single.
** Songwriter [[w:Layng Martine Jr.|Layng Martine Jr.]], for Forbes and  as published on their August 19, 2019 edition.

*  He came in, and they I.D. him. LOL. And he actually left his license at the front while he went in and hung out for a while. I think [[w: Rodney Bingenheimer's English Disco|Rodney]] still has it.
** Columnist and producer [[w:Alison Martino|Alison Martino]], daughter of singer [[w:Al Martino|Al Martino]], recalling the time Elvis went to Rodney Bingenheimer's English Disco at the Sunset Strip, in LA,  in an article published in  the LA Curb's 21 March 2019 edition.

*  I seldom do, unless I stub my toe.
** [[w:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]]'s zany answer to Roberta Rene,   the President  of the San Diego  Elvis Presley Fan Club,  on why Groucho,   while debating the merits of Rock &amp; Roll,  had yet to mention  Elvis, in an episode of &quot;You bet your life&quot;  broadcast on Dec 12, 1957

* Elvis was sort of the first impact on me – his charisma, his performing prowess...
** Singer and songwriter [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]] in an interview with Jim Radenhausen, of Pocono Record, as published on April 29, 2016.

* If there is one small glimmer of good news, it is that decent, thoughtful and sane voters slightly outnumber the bigots and lunatics. I want to live in an America where that victory is not only mathematical, but political — the America of Walt Whitman's imagination, Elvis Presley's voice and Martin Luther King's oratory.
** [[w:David Masciotra|David Masciotra]], for Salon, in an article entitled White Flight From Reality: Inside the Racist Panic that Fueled Donald Trump's Victory and published on November 12, 2016.

* Two months ago scarcely anyone but economists had even heard of mechanism design. Suddenly, it has notoriety worthy of an Elvis Presley ( a man who) somehow manages to attract a huge public following without even trying. Indeed, he can't very well try since he's been dead for 30 years. Yet, isn't it remarkable that, for one week a year, that kind of attention is focused not just on economics, but on physics, chemistry, medicine, and literature. And for that astounding accomplishment, I'd like to express my warmest appreciation to the Nobel Foundation and the Nobel awarding bodies.
** [[w:Eric Maskin|Eric Maskin]], US economist and one of three 2007 Nobel laureate in Economics as stated in his acceptance speech at the Nobel Foundation, in Sweden and as published by nobelprize.org

* He was an instinctive actor, quite bright, very intelligent, not a punk. In fact, he was very elegant, sedate, refined, and sophisticated.
** Actor [[w:Walter Matthau|Walter Matthau]] who co-starred with Elvis in &quot;King Creole,&quot; from a 1987 interview

* Presley's vocal range was exceptional – amazingly so for an untrained singer. It ranged from Low F in the bass register to top B Flat and B in the tenor range. This is over two octaves, when most singers can only manage just over one octave. Quite apart from the range of Presley's voice (and this range remained with him throughout his life, a fact proved by his recordings) the equally surprising thing was that its quality and distinctive timbre remained constant throughout this range. This is also exceptional and quite the most conclusive proof – if any were needed – that Elvis Presley possessed a natural gift for singing which was completely and utterly rare. For if it were not – where are all the other Elvis Presleys?
**[[w:Robert Matthew-Walker|Robert Matthew-Walker]], UK classical music writer and composer, describing Elvis' vocal qualities in his book &quot;Heartbreak Hotel: The Life And Music Of Elvis Presley&quot;

* Throughout the hearing, Mattis was treated to bipartisan praise with Senate Armed Services Committee chairman John McCain announcing at the start that he couldn't be happier that Mattis had been nominated. &quot;I think you're going going to be an extraordinary defense secretary,&quot;, Senator Ted Cruz then told Mattis, including a story about how excited his chief of staff, a former Marine, had been when Mattis visited Cruz's office. &quot;If Elvis Presley had walked into the office, he wouldn't have been more thrilled than to see you walk in, General.&quot;
** About General [[w:Jim Mattis|Jim Mattis]]'s confirmation hearings to become Secretary of Defense in 2017, as published in Standard, on January 13, 2017.

* I wasn't a big fan of him as I only knew him from the Dorsey and Sullivan Shows. But then he won me over when I spent the entire day of the concerts with him, in his dressing room, where he took a lot of his time talking to me and asking me questions about Jazz music and my musical influences. From his part, he said he loved gospel music and the blues the most. I found him to be an earthy kid, a first class gentleman and an exceptional family person.
** Arni May, Canadian Jazz musician who, at age 20, played drums for the then 22 year old Elvis during his two back to back shows in Ottawa, on April 3, 1957, the latter the result of Canadian union laws obliging foreign entertainers to play with local bands, as told in the Province's August 31, 2015 edition.

* I found that I could do Elvis's &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, and that's the great thing, you could pick it up and in a few hours, you could get to something that make you feel good. (Years later), Freddy wrote &quot;Crazy little thing called love&quot; as a tribute to Elvis, of whom he was very fond of.
** [[w:Brian May|Brian May]], Queen's lead guitarist, detailing some of the riffs that influenced him the most, for the Irish Examiner on November 18, 2016

* The record industry is fully aware that premature death sells records. After Chester Bennington, the 41-year-old lead singer of the group Linkin Park took his own life, there was a 7,000% surge in the group's music plays. When rock 'n' roll legend Chuck Berry died aged 90, his music sales went through the roof, even though he hadn't released a new album in nearly 40 years. Prince was the top-selling artist of 2016, according to Billboard, outselling every other artist, living or dead, with a total of 7.7 million that year. While in even more notable moments of music history, John Lennon's musical comeback album went on to sell seven million copies in the following six months. But it was Elvis Presley who eclipsed them all. If there was Elvis product in stores following his death, they all got picked clean&quot;. In fact, Presley catalogue sales reportedly totalled 200 million copies worldwide in the four months after his passing.
** [[w:Geoff Mayfield|Geoff Mayfield]], US Billboard's director of charts as published by the Irish Independent on January 20, 2018.

* Toyota, the Japanese automaker, said yesterday that it would invest $1.3 billion to build its eighth North American assembly plant just outside Tupelo, in northeastern Mississippi. The plant will build the Toyota Highlander, a crossover vehicle, and will employ 2,000 workers. Production is expected to begin in 2010, and reach 150,000 vehicles each year. The decision brings Toyota to an area best known for being the birthplace of Elvis Presley.
** Micheline Maynard, in an article for the New York Times, entitled &quot;Toyota to Build $1.3 Billion Plant in the Land of Elvis&quot; published a few months after US Pres. George Bush took Prime Minister Junishiro Koizumi (a huge Elvis fan who was also born on a January 8) to Graceland, in Memphis, and on Air Force One, a gesture which may have influenced the Japanese car maker to choose Tupelo as the site of the plant.

* A rise in the number of outbreaks of vaccine-preventable diseases has highlighted the growing trend for parents not to have their child vaccinated. Could the activities of a group of teenagers against polio in 1950s America inspire a fresh look at the effectiveness of pro-vaccine public health information campaigns? Well, today, thanks to a 50 year global effort to eradicate polio, only two countries (Afghanistan and Pakistan) remain polio-endemic. It was a very different situation when the Salk vaccine was licensed in 1955. Even in 1957, as many as 30% of people still had no inoculations, and a third of all new cases were in teens, its use threatened in the USA by ‘vaccine hesitancy&quot; And then young people themselves – and Elvis Presley – became the answer to the problem, in what might be the first, largest and most successful case of teen health activism of the time. The fight waged against vaccine noncompliance in 1950s America, he suggests, could provide important lessons for the world today.
** University of Cambridge historian Dr Stephen Mawdsley, in a film entitled &quot;Teens Against Polio, (released in World Immunization Week, 24-30 April 2016), describing how the activities of a group of teenagers against polio in 1950s America, spearheaded by Presley, if studied carefully, may 60 years later inspire a fresh look at the effectiveness of pro-vaccine public health information campaigns.

* In our survey the option that most people liked was 'Well-known popular music from any period'. This was closely followed by 'Well-known classical music' and 'Well-known music from the last year'. What do these categories actually mean when it comes to artists? Maybe think of the top 3 as Elvis Presley, Luciano Pavarotti and Katy Perry.
** Maʐaru̪ rankings, as regards music most liked by waiting telephone callers, as published in an article on December 15, 2018, following a  2018 study  by [[w:ICM Research|ICM Research]],

* I can still remember when you visited me in my humble home at Beatrice Cottages and we listened to Elvis and sang along and laughed together, then you revealed your soul to me, your dreams, your hopes – and I wrote your first biography...
** Will Mbanga, in a personal letter asking for the resignation of his former friend and comrade, President [[w:Robert Mugabe|Robert Mugabe]], a huge Elvis fan whose home in Harare is filled with Elvis memorabilia, and as published in Open Democracy on 25 February 2008.

* I remember him being tall, slender and so beautiful.  I mean, what a beautiful man. And he had this beautiful voice.  He was a spiritual guy, and he loved to read anything about being spiritual. He wasn’t so much religious, but spiritual. And I, too, was fascinated by those things. So we bonded over that. We used to exchange books on the set, and it was great fun. We would have conversations all the time about being spiritual. It was a good relationship, very solid. I knew he really wanted to be taken seriously as an actor.  He was almost too beautiful to be thought of as serious. It must be very awful to be at the very top like that because nobody could possibly relate to what it’s like to be there and expect you to stay there. He of course embraced it beautifully.  But I think he was also pretty lonely and wanted more for himself. He was, of course, very special. But I don’t think he saw himself that way. There was a sadness about him. It just makes you wonder what could have been. I loved Elvis. 
** [[w:Diane McBain|Diane McBain]]'s  laud of Elvis, in an interview with Fox News and published on their May 10, 2022  online edition. . 

* Music, like marketing, is one of those areas of film making that often get overlooked by producer/directors. I know of one  who had a budget of USD $1,000,000 and never thought about spending any of that money on music. While this would be problematic for any type of movie, it was particularly bad in that the movie was a biopic about Elvis Presley. After three years, he  moved on to other failed projects, but his investor, knowing that he'd poured a lot of money into a movie that can't even be released, eventually broke down and paid Presley's estate significant more money to acquire at least some music royalties for the movie.  Since he didn't want to overspend, he ended up purchasing the rights to just one hit song and one “deep cut.” And the producer's brother ended up composing most of the Elvis-esque music for the film...
** John McCabe, in an article entitled &quot;How to get hold of the perfect music score, legally&quot;, as published by Red Shark News on October 19, 2018.

* As a jazz educated singer I had reservations about entering the Elvis world. There can be a lot of judgement about his music and the image that has been created of him over many years. But I found myself completely falling in love with his songs. Each night on stage I would discover another lyric, another chord change, another nuance that thrilled and moved me all at once. Studying the Elvis songbook, I found  breathtaking recordings of the same songs by other artists.  I was literally stopped in my tracks. These musical masterpieces were being revealed to me and I had Elvis to thank for it
** Australian singer and cabaret artist Mel McCaig, explaining the reasoning behind  her first solo Adelaide show, &quot;Gifts from the King&quot;, in an interview with Broadway World, as published on 25 September 2018.
 
*  John Lennon said that before Elvis there was nothing. After Elvis, nothing was the same. Perry Como is said to have said that Elvis was a threat to the moral health of the nation. What brighter endorsement could you wish for? Dial him up singing ‘Lonesome Tonight’ and marvel at the shambling majesty even as you ache for what's lost.  Another thing about Elvis was that he was the most beautiful man in the world. To be as beautiful as that and also as bad was an alluring combination, love potion and lethal poison. When Pope Paul VI died within a year of Elvis, many of us shrugged. There'd be another Pope along in a minute. But there'd never ever be another Elvis. Dissing the dead Pope while singing hosannas to Elvis's immortality was the pitch-perfect response...-
**[[w:Eamonn McCann|Eamonn McCann]] in an article for Hotpress entitled  &quot;On Elvis, The Undertones and 1,000 issues of Hot Press&quot; , as published on their 1,000 edition, that of October 22,  2019 edition.

* I am working on several, actually. I've just delivered scripts on George Washington, John Lennon and Yoko Ono and  I am also looking at making something on Elvis Presley.
** Film maker [[w:Anthony McCarten|Anthony McCarten]]'s answer as to which historic figures he would wish to next make a biopic of, in an interview published in  Telegraph of India's March 15 edition.

* My earliest memory of music was Elvis Presley when I was four and a half years old. I then reached into my parents album collection, which is very extensive, and pulled out a record of his. From that moment on, in 1992, I really took to the music industry,
**[[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]], in an interview with the Setonian published on 19 March,2018

* i) Elvis was too important and too far above the rest even to mention, so we didn't put him on the list because he was more than merely an artist, he was Elvis.  ii). I'm primitive on music. I don't want to learn it, it's too serious, too like homework. And nothing about my childhood inspired me with a love of classical music. My dad was a bit of a jazzer so if a symphony came on the radio he would immediately turn it off. School was no better, you would have just had to play one Elvis record and we would have been hooked. We'd have turned up in droves to that lesson. (In fact) I've got so many vivid memories of being a kid in Liverpool. Like everyone I suppose, I have millions of memories of those days. I remember John and I going up to the airport on our bikes to watch the planes. It makes me smile to think that they named the airport after him. So then I think back to getting the bus with George, going to school. And then the memories go beyond that, to getting the bus to &quot;The Cavern&quot; or the &quot;Grosvenor Ballroom&quot;. And then the memories go beyond that and beyond that, and I have to remember that I was one of the guys that all that was happening to. You have to pinch yourself and say ‘did that REALLY happen?’. Did I REALLY meet Elvis?”
**[[w:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]], i) In answer to why Elvis Presley was not included on the Sgt Peppers album cover and ii) reminiscing about his early years with the Beatles, as published on the Liverpool Echo's online edition of 24 May, 2015 and as extracted from the book &quot;Conversations with McCartney&quot; by Paul DuNoyer.

* When I took him to my  Frankfurt home for lunch, my wife offered to make him a hamburger, but he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then asked for another one..
** Harold “Gene” McCloskey, a veteran of both the Korean and Vietnam wars who in 2018, was presented with eight medals for his military service that he actually  should have received 50 years before, recalling the moment he met Elvis while they  were posted in Germany with the [[w:3rd Armored Division (United States)|3rd Armored Division]],in an article published at the Wellsboro Gazette on November 15, 2018

* He was a precious gift from God we cherished and loved dearly. He had a God-given talent that he shared with the world and without a doubt, he became most widely acclaimed, capturing the hearts of young and old alike. He was admired not only as an entertainer, but as the great humanitarian that he was for his generosity, and his kind feelings for his fellow man. He revolutionized the field of music and received its highest awards and became a living legend in his own time, earning the respect and love of millions. God saw that he needed some rest and called him home to be with HIM. We miss you, son and daddy. I thank GOD that HE gave us you as our son. Elvis Aaron Presley January 8, 1935-August 16, 1977. Son of Vernon Elvis Presley and Gladys Love Presley and father of Lisa Marie Presley
** Elvis epitaph as seen on his tombstone, written by *[[w:Janelle McComb|Janelle McComb]], and commissioned and directed by Vernon Presley in 1977.

*He is such a big Elvis Presley fan that he has been known to dress up as Elvis, complete with white silk jumpsuit and black puffed-up wig. At the [[w:Parkes Elvis Festival|Parkes Elvis Festival]], he had no qualms about being photographed with fellow Elvis fans and then Labor opponent [[w:Sam Dastyari|Sam Dastyari]]
** About Australia's Deputy Prime Minister [[w:Michael McCormack (Australian politician)|Michael McCormack]], as reported by The Australian on February 27, 2018.

* Elvis Presley. It's a big, all-American icon with a sense of duty...
** David McCowen, describing what the Grand Cherokee would be, if it were a celebrity, for Drive, as published on 23 October 2016

* In 1954, R&amp;B̪ writer  [[w:Charles Singleton (songwriter)|Charles Singleton]] and I wrote &quot;Trying to Get to You,&quot; which was first recorded by The Eagles,  a black vocal group.  Elvis Presley heard their version in a store in Memphis, and he decided to record the song. Elvis did it like The Eagles. Amazing how he did that. He wasn't a big star at that point, and we thought that  he couldn't sing. We just  didn't understand, yet, were grateful to him.  Thank God for Elvis.
** [[w:Rose Marie McCoy|Rose Marie McCoy]]'s laud of Elvis, who recorded a couple of songs she co-wrote with Charles Singleton, and included one of them  in his first album, which spent 10 weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard pop charts, as published in NPR̺'s &quot;Lady Writes the bluesː The Life Of Rose McCoy&quot;, on February 27, 2009

* Dylan heard the news while he was at his farm in Minnesota, with his children. I was playing with the kids and planning a birthday party for Samuel Dylan's 9th birthday. Dylan was writing songs for his next album, which turned out to be Street Legal. When Dylan told me that Presley had died, and I said I was not a fan, he didn't talk to me for a week. He really took it bad, was really grieving and said that if it wasn't for Elvis he never would have gotten started. He opened the door, Dylan told me, then went over his whole life, his whole childhood and didn't talk to anyone for a week.
** [[w:Street-Legal (album)|Faridi McFree]], art teacher for Nobel laureate Bob Dylan's children, on the day and week after Elvis' death, in an interview with NSF, Music Station.

* Growing up, I could sing every Elvis song. In first or second grade, I'd wrap a scarf around my neck, put a big hibiscus flower in my shirt pocket, and perform Live From Hawaii. He came through Monroe, Louisiana, on one of his last tours, and my mom was going to take me, but I got mumps. When she was getting ready for the show, I was lying on the floor kicking and screaming because I couldn't go. In fact, every artist puts a bit of the King into every performance. We're all just trying to be Elvis, aren't we?
** [[w:Tim McGraw|Tim McGraw]], on his first influence, as published in CMT News online page on July 14, 2016.

* Swipe to see me attempting a classic Elvis move after the film, and my beautiful, most elegant lady, my number 1 supporter from day 1, screaming like Elvis’ fans in the movie! Wow! What a great movie about a great man and a great crew and story! Thank you and God bless Elvis Presley and his entire family and team ❤️ this is a must watch!
** [[w:Conor McGregor|Conor McGregor]]' s laud of Baz Luhrmann's  biopic, in an instagram sent on May 25, 2022, from the 2022 Cannes Festival. 

* No, we all started with rock ’n’ roll, Elvis Presley and the whole Sun Records gang.  In my case, while riding my bike in '56, I heard  “Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and Ii was then that  I wanted to play the guitar.
** [[w:Roger McGuinn|Roger McGuinn]]'s answer to the question of whether folk music had been his and the Byrds' first influence, in an interview with Variety, and published on November 6, 2016. He later added more details on the Wall Sreet Journal's edition of September 25, 2018.

* The headline news of &quot;Platinum&quot;, which can be appreciated by fans, scholars, critics and religious fanatics alike, is the inclusion of a newly discovered 1954 demo of the unsigned Elvis singing a lilting wisp of a pop song called &quot;I'll Never Stand in Your Way&quot;. His unsophisticated performance is mesmerizing; clearly indebted to the style of the &quot;Ink Spots&quot;, Elvis' airy tenor floats delicately above his own guitar accompaniment, aching and somewhat pinched in its feeling; you sense the singer itching to cut loose, to really swing the lyric, open it up; it is in those moments, when the pentimento of the blues vocalist reveals itself, that the melding of styles that soon would change the course of popular music is on fleeting display; it's rare when a single song can be said to make a pricey box-set worthwhile, but this particular &quot;Rosetta stone&quot; of a rare cut, does precisely that. Big time.
** David McGee, reviewing the platinum box-set for Rolling Stone magazine

* Man, he was a bada—!  Love Elvis, I remember the day he died, riding go-carts at my grandmothers house in west Monroe Louisiana 42 years ago.&quot;
**[[w:Tim McGraw|Tim McGraw]], on his instagram, on the occasion of  the 42nd anniversary of Elvis' death.

* Surely there has not been such a pelvis since Elvis Presley was in his prime.
** [[w:Hugh McIlvanney|Hugh McIlvanney]] Scottish award-winning sports writer, recalling Diego Maradona's prowess during the 1986 World Cup, which his team won, in an article published in the mail Online's edition of October 1, 2017.

* When Elvis died 40 years ago next Wednesday, it was like the death of John F. Kennedy 14 years earlier; both men had been such a part of American lives that—for those alive today who remember the events— where they were when they heard the news became almost as important as the news itself. In a way, it made each a part of the story. O  was never in the same room with JFK, but I was with the early Elvis. I spent one long Elvis afternoon, during which I watched him perform, then conversed with him and, finally, interacted with him as a part of a group. During much of it, I observed a sweet, unsophisticated young man at close hand. He was exactly what I had expected and yet not at all so.As a writer in the New York bureau of TV Guide magazine, I was invited to attend a press conference, before which I could talk with Elvis and observe him rehearse for his second appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show as well as receive his first polio shot. The afternoon rehearsal was in progress when I took my seat, but the theater was black and strangely silent. Suddenly—shockingly—the stage exploded into red light, dark music and that singular, riveting presence. I don’t even remember the song, though I think it was “Hound Dog.” What I do remember—vividly–is the power of this young performer, the charisma of the man—the mouth, alternatingly pouting, leering, grinning, the sensual modeling of the facial contours and the eyes—those erotic eyes with their kohl-like shadows, promising, threatening. And, of course, the notorious pelvic thrusts. After the rehearsal's end, I joined numerous members of the press to watch the administering of the polio shot, memorable primarily because at the time, and as he later confided to me, Elvis hasd a wholesome fear of needles. It was a scary experience for Elvis, but, as always, he managed a smile for the camera...
** Author Megan McKinney, recalling her [[w:TV Guide|TV Guide]] assignment on October 28, 1956. She was the only reporter present at the press conference to have personally interviewed him and as a result, been able to acknowledge the immense fear which totally overtook Elvis on that day but that,  at the moment of the inoculation, he totally kept to himself and as published in Chicago Classic Magazine on August 16, 2017, in an article entitled  My Afternoon with ElvisYoung, Sweet and Oh, So Polite

*  What made the young Elvis an agent provocateur? The leading lunatic theory is that he was a space alien. The more prevailing opinion is that he was a product of the magic medium of his place and time: radio. So let us now praise that great, subversive force in American culture. Radio helped Elvis develop his interest in and affection for the music of black culture. In that pre–rock ’n’ roll era, America was an apartheid nation and in much of the country, black and white didn’t mix.  They attended separate schools (with the approval of the U.S. Supreme Court) and they didn’t shop together, worship together or live in the same neighborhoods. Segregation was relatively easy to enforce. It was the law. Elvis was the visible embodiment of a  musical revolution. He was an interpretive, not a creative artist.  Many musical innovators experimented with blending musical styles, but they all lacked the charisma, the charm, the look…the everything that Elvis had and that he represented. He was a catalyst; his was the face that launched a thousand hips.
** [[w:William McKeen|William McKeen]], in an article entitled &quot;What We Talk About When We Talk About Elvis&quot;, as published on the History Net's 16 August 2007 edition. 

* I would kiss them both on the mouth.
** Artist Randall McKissick, known for a decade as the mystery tenant in South Carolina's so-called ‘nightmare’ house, taking about his two idols, Elvis Presley and James Brown in an article published on The State on 17 November 2017.

* For me, it all started with Elvis. I must've been six, maybe seven years old when I saw him on the Ed Sullivan show, wasn't supposed to be watching, raised as I was in a strict Catholic family, and Elvis the Pelvis was sin. But like most Catholic parents, they watched to see just how sinful Elvis was. He was shot from the waist up, I could see that from my hiding place behind the couch. But Elvis' music and energy ignited my first desire to rock 'n roll. My father was a professional magician with a love of movies, and that's where my childhood creative energies were directed. In fact, through my entire teen life my dream was to be a rock and roll rebel.
** Director[[w:Tom McLoughlin|Tom McLoughlin]], former lead singer of the garage band &quot;The Sloths&quot;, explaining what first turned into rock music, in an article published in BoeigBoeing's online page, on 17 March 2015

* Was that the guitar hick?
** [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]]'s frequent  phone interjections to Barbara Leigh, who had dated Elvis before he did, as told by Leigh to [[w:Marshall Terrill|Marshall Terrill]] in his book, &quot;The King, McQueen and the love machine&quot;

* For Presley's evening concert, only 37 of the 259 MPs showed up for the night session in the House of Commons. The rest had gone to see him perform. 
** [[w:Earl McRae|Earl McRae]]' explaining why the House of Commons had to cancel their nightly session, in an article for the  Ottawa Citizen entiled &quot;Best of Earl: Elvis' birthday&quot; and published on January  07, 2012 

*  I  decided if I was going to China, I was going to go to Shanghai, I just love that word.  What Madrid was for Hemingway and Paris was for Dorothy Parker, I want Shanghai to be my Paris. Next thing I know, I'm in China and the people there are so sweet and they'll do anything for you. At one school, in preparing the students who would be attending Columbia University and  due to my association with “The Catcher in the Rye,” I  assigned it as reading for students and said the idioms in the story would cause confusion. Another assignment to write about a famous person led to a humorous exchange with a student who asked me  to write about “Cat King, King of Cats.” Following some research together, I  finally learned who was being referenced. He was talking about Elvis Presley. In China they know him as the Cat King, King of Cats.”
** [[w:Tyson Meade|Tyson Meade]], in an article by Scott Rains entitled &quot;Tyson Meade's journey from Kittens to China to, finally, a home&quot; as published in the Lawton's  Constitution June 5, 2020 edition.

* i) Hanging out with the British Royal Family didn't faze me —I called them all by their first names. In fact the only time I ever got that way was when I met Elvis. He checked out the pre-movie stage version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, where I played the motorcycle-riding Eddie. I felt like, Oh my god, I can't believe where I am!So Elvis comes up to me and tells me &quot;Well, I hear everyone wants to do an Elvis impersonation [for Eddie] but you didn’t&quot;, so the one thing I managed to say to him was, 'No, because there's only one you and only one me...
** [[w:Meatloaf|Meatloaf]], on being impressed by anyone, as noted in ii) FMTV.ii) Fuse TV.

* I used to do Elvis at my shows at the Sands, in 1968, before he returned to the stage in 1969, so this guy tells me in a little piece of paper that &quot;He is here&quot;  , so when the lights were put on him, it took me about a half hour to  catch up with my audience. Later, he would walk in my shows, and the next day, there were lines to see me, because they thought Elvis could do it again, and he did, every night.
** [[w:Bill Medley|Bill Medley]],for nmuscistartshere

* I'm a very non-religious person. I think everybody has the right to believe in any religion they want. Whatever makes you happy is absolutely fantastic. That's a perfect question to say 'no comment' to, because I don't really wanna hear anybody else's opinion, and I don't think anybody should wanna hear my opinion, because it's very, very personal. And nobody knows anything anyway. So it's, like... If I had to choose a religion, it would be the Elvis Presley religion.
** [[w:Megadeth|Megadeth]]'s lead guitarist Marty Friedman, expressing his views on religion in an interview with the Impact Metal Channel and as published by Blabbermoputh on January 26, 2014.

* I was lucky enough to see Elvis Presley's opening concert at Madison Square Garden on June 9, 1972. Usually, you are not allowed to bring a camera to a concert. But the audience and the entire event were so wild that no one paid any attention to me. Over the years I watched the footage again and again. Then the Viennale called and I immediately thought of my Elvis material. The only problem was that I didn't know what kind of musical soundtrack to use. I tried everything and was close to giving up when I happened to hear a Viennese waltz on the radio. That was it! What could be better than Elvis and Strauss?
** [[w:Jonas Mekas|Jonas Mekas]], Lithuanian artist and filmmaker, on filming Elvis at Madison Square Garden with his Bolex 16&amp;nbsp;mm movie camera, as told at the Vienna International Film Festival on October 19, 2001.

* The Biden administration is also doing its vaccine push. The Pentagon is also reportedly looking at plans to mandate that all 1.3 million active- duty troops have vaccine mandates, that they be required to get the shot, just as they already do for actually more than a dozen other diseases and precautions.And the most famous draftee in American history, Elvis Presley, take a look at what we might learn from history. He bared his arm for a vaccine. That was part of helping reassure the public about that over 60 years ago.This is important stuff.We can keep learning together. We can do this togeher
** [[w:Ari Melber|Ari Melber]], as transcribed from his MSNBC's TV program &quot;The Beat with Ari Melber&quot; when discussing the US Army's mandates vis a vis the 2021 Covid 19 Pandemia, as shown on August 5, 2021

* He certainly was inspired by black music, but I don't get why people are going after Elvis. If you are going to take the stick out on him, you better take it out on the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, everybody. If you are going to villify Elvis then why don't you just tear down the whole United States?
** [[w:John Mellencamp|John Mellencamp]], discussing cultural appropriation in an article published by Salon on 19 May, 2018.

* It was one of just 254 built between 1955 and 1959. The original owner was the German race car driver Hans Stuck, who piloted it to win several hill-climb races in Germany, Austria and Switzerland in 1957. During his ownership, it also won an award at a well-known &quot;automotive beauty&quot; competition and was used in the feature film &quot;Hula-Hopp Conny.&quot; In 1959, Elvis bought it from a dealer in Frankfurt, then was  given a registration from the U.S. military, which changed every year, resulting in the car getting &quot;lost.&quot; After extensive research by both BMW Group Classic and American journalist Jackie Jouret,the car's history started to being verified. Presley had used the 507 between his home in Bad Nauheim to the U.S. Army Base in Friedberg, but when he returned to the US in 1960 he traded it at a Chrysler dealer in New York, which, in turn, sold it to radio moderator Tommy Charles. After outfitting the car with a Chevrolet engine, Charles launched a successful racing career with it, winning a major race in Daytona Beach before selling the car in 1963. The car eventually ended up with space engineer and car collector, Jack Castor. He drove it occasionally before storing it in a pumpkin warehouse with plans to restore it. Though he had collected numerous parts for the car's restoration, it was still in storage when he happened upon a magazine article by Jouret, about Elvis' lost BMW 507! Castor realized that the car he owned had the same chassis number Jouret had uncovered and the pair met at the warehouse to look at the car. Very quickly, Jouret became certain that this car was, indeed, the car owned by Elvis. After further investigation, the car's full history was traced and BMW Group Classic embarked on a 2-year project to restore the BMW 507 to its original condition, you sing many of the parts that Castor had gathered, as well as building a complete 3.2-liter V-8 engine from spare parts to the specifications of the original engine. Today, the 150 horsepower, all-aluminum engine sits under the bonnet of the Feather White BMW 507, and is the star of the Show at the BMW Museum in Munich.
** Tara Baukus Mello, for Cars Blog, published on 24 September 2016.

* He was drop dead handsome, a major flirt, and a naturally charming man who was a master of the sexual smile
** UK Critic [[w:George Melly|George Melly]] in his book Great Lovers (1981)

*  Not only [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]] looked  lovely in a red dress, but she sang &quot;Ain´t Misbehavin´&quot; and &quot;I´ve Got a Crush on You&quot; quite adequately at St. Jude Hospital benefit show  at Russwood Park last night. [[w:Danny Thomas|Danny Thomas]] master of ceremonies and Elvis Presley, got along well. Backstage it was &quot;Doll Face&quot; that Danny called Elvis, and Elvis called him &quot;Mr. Thomas.&quot; Danny went out to Presley´s 18-room manor and personally invited him to appear on the program when he was unable to obtain Presley´s top secret telephone number. The two big hits at the so called Shower of Stars Show were the then reigning Academy Award best actress winner  for 1956,  Susan Hayward and Elvis who  didn´t sing, but pleased the crowd with a nice talk.
** From the [[w:Memphis Press-Scimitar|Memphis Press-Scimitar]]'s June 29, 1957 edition, heralding Elvis participation in a Danny Thomas charity show which, thanks to Elvis, attracted 14,000 donors from TN, MS and AR  to Russwook Park Stadium on the night of June 28, 1957 in an article entitled &quot;Crowd Goes Wild When Elvis Steps Into Spotlight&quot; By December, sizeable contributions allowed Thomas to seriously undertake  the early steps  towards St Jude's eventual construction.

* Elvis Presley remembered a pledge to Memphis charities he made in 1961 after his discharge from the Army and has thus sent checks totaling $105,000 to charities in Memphis, Mississippi, California, Kansas and Nebraska. Thirty-nine charities received checks during ceremonies held at the auditorium of the publisher of both The Commercial Appeal and the Memphis Press-Scimitar. Elvis, who once received aid from The Commercial Appeal-American Legion Christmas Basket Fund, has never forgotten he once was hungry and needy.
** From the [[w:Memphis Press-Scimitar|Memphis Press-Scimitar]]'s edition of December 14, 1966. The above mentioned contribution is equivalent after adjustments made for inflation toUS$$783,530.23 in 2016 dollars.

* I would love to do an Elvis movie one day.  That would be amazing znd already got Elvis' iconic hairstyle.
** [[w:Shawn Mendes|Shawn Mendes]] Canadian singer and songwriter, in an interview with 95-106 Capital FM radio on October 21, 2018

* i) I'm going to be like him one day............ ii) I like to live life. I certainly work hard for it, and I want to have a good time. Don't deny me that. It might not come again and I want to enjoy myself a little. I liked to sing, I don't know, call it natural gift or whatever, you know, I'm not afraid to say it. It's just I like to sing and then I suddenly realized that I could actually write songs and then make my own music rather than before I would, you know, sort of copy Elvis Presley. iv) Why people like David Bowie and Elvis Presley have been so successful? Because they give their audiences champagne for breakfast? No, because they're what the people want.
** [[w:Freddy Mercury|Freddy Mercury]], i) telling his mother what he felt about his future, as he watched Elvis and as recounted by Mrs. Bursara herself, at age 94, for an article published by to Mid Day, on November 21, 2016 ...ii)http://m.imdb.com/name/nm0006198/quotes from Freddy Mercury

* As I left Princess Diana's funeral service, I was so suddenly struck by the extent of it all that I bottled up all the way home. I was so upset because I really did like Diana, having met with her numerous times. And I always had a laugh with her and really admired her. Most of all, I thought she was so great not to be consumed by everything that had happened to her and to keep giving and giving and giving. I thought she was a really great person – the Elvis of compassion-
** [[w:George Michael|George Michael]], in the second part of an interview with The Mirror's Tony Parsons, in an article published a few months after the death of the former Princess of Wales.

* He never understood the artistic claims that were made for him, probably thought very little of the nature of his appeal, or his music; yet, as author Greil Marcus points out in &quot;Mystery Train&quot;, it is possible to see (all that) as a positive factor; Presley viewed &quot;rock and roll&quot; as for the body, not the mind, so he recorded and performed accordingly; and, if much of his rock music sounds superficial, it was thanks to his undoubted vocal talent and extraordinary charisma that, at least, it was all gloriously superficial and celebratory; he knew better than to take it seriously and, in doing so, he became the consummate rock figure, one that defined its spirit by delighting in its very limitations.
** [[w:Richard Middleton (musicologist)|Richard Middleton]], in his book &quot;Popular Music, Volume I: Folk or Popular?

* I wrestled in Australia, Hong Kong, Japan, South Africa, North America and  Mexico. My name, it was like Elvis...
** [[w:Mario Milano|Mario Milano]], in a 2009 interview, as published in an article entitled &quot;Pro wrestling great Mario Milano - ‘Australia’s Elvis’ - dies at 81&quot; by the Post and Courier's edition of December 17, 2016.

* I was enchanted by the story my mother, an aspiring singer, told me of meeting Elvis in the early days of his career after witnessing him bring down the house at a live broadcast of &quot;Louisiana Hayride&quot;. According to her, Elvis was polite, courteous and unassuming, addressed her as &quot;ma'am,&quot; shook her hand and thanked her for enjoying the show. I am elated as his now regained role as an unparalleled musician and cultural innovator.
**  Ben Miles, in a letter to the Editor of the {{w|Los Angeles Times}} published on 18 April, 2018 in connection with the newspaper's very positive review of the HBO documentary Elvis Presley: The Searcher.

* But it was on the gospel numbers, such as the stunning &quot;How great thou art&quot;, (1977) that Presley showed the awesome power of his voice. The fact that he has one of the greatest voices in popular music has been obscured by the mystique that has surrounded him.
** Steve Millburgh, writing for the &quot;Omaha World Herald&quot;, on one of Presley`s last concerts, on 19 June 1977.

* After about an hour a few of the guys walked out of the huge  room and the others kept talking to me. And I'm assuming now when I think back that the ones that left  went to Elvis and probably told him that I was OK. So as I was talking to the other guys, literally without turning my head or looking to any side, that was when I felt this huge, huge presence. It's completely unexplainable and I felt this energy and I turned to my right and I looked and there standing in the doorway was Elvis Presley. And he was not the Elvis that you would imagine. He had on a simple blue sweatsuit with white stripes down the side of the arms and a little white tennis hat on.  He just looked like a guy that was lounging in his house, relaxing with his buddies. And that's the Elvis that I met, no jeans, no T-shirt, no sweater, not one of his big blouse shirts or anything like that- just very normal. I stayed that night until 7 o'clock the next morning. He put on a karate exhibit for me with Sonny and Red West and he had the guys call The Bodhi Tree -and they got me all the spiritual books and brought them over in the middle of the night from the store because he realized I was very spiritual and that we would have that in common.
** Mindi  Miller, actress and stuntwoman, recalling the moment she finally met Elvis at his  Monovale Drive home, in Bel-Air, CA, in early 1975, as told to EIN's online page  on 12 April, 2017.

* My dad was riding down Sunset Boulevard on his motorcycle when suddenly, a limo pulled up next to him. The driver rolls down his window and says, 'Sir, I have Elvis Presley in the car and he'd like to meet you. After they  had spent some time together, dad  began to exit the limo when Presley stopped him with a surprise request: his autograph!!!
**[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]]'s son Dean, as told in a Children of Song podcast, on 28 January, 2018

* Our culture includes Elvis Presley, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Johnny Cash, Jackie Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Douglas Macarthur, Milton Friedman, Edgar Allen Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Edison and again, for emphasis, Elvis Presley.....
** [[w:Stephen Miller (political operative)|Stephen Miller]], at a political rally on May 25, 2016 at Anaheim, CA, on the subject of how best to define and defend American culture.

*In the eleventh grade Elvis and I were in Miss Thompson's Civics class. He was a class clown and in the middle of our mid-term exams with everyone concentrating on the test, he called from the back of the room in a loud voice “Miss Thompson, Miss Thompson,” “What Elvis?” she answered. Then he asked “Why did the chicken cross the road?” The whole class broke up laughing except, of course, Miss Thompson. She quickly replied “See me after class, Elvis&quot;
** Robert Wayne Millican, who net Elvis in 1948 as a freshman at Humes.

* My sister could sing opera if she wanted, and we used to sing duets together like the Ponselle Sisters, and I also enjoy classic Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Judy Garland. Of today's voices, Madonna, Mary J. Blige -- people who know how to communicate--. And I love Elvis Presley. Quite a nice mix!&quot;.
** Top US soprano [[w:Aprile Millo|Aprile Millo]], when asked by the Playbill staff to name her favourite female and male non-classical singers, as published in Playbill, on 17 November, 2009.

* But she got her own back because when she got a little bit older, she dated Elvis Presley, who I was madly in love with, of course, as was everybody at the time. So I think that kind of compensated for it being the &quot;back of a head&quot;  in the film.
** [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]], discussing her time with [[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|Susan Henning]] who was 14 years old, as she was, and her body double in Disney's 1961 blockbuster &quot;The Parent Trap&quot;, as noted in an article published in the August 27, 2021 edition of the Showbiz Cheat Sheet.

* Rock and roll is that center place between country and blues and R&amp;B and gospel. When I think of rock and roll, the first person I think of is Elvis Presley. And yeah, he did ‘Jailhouse Rock,’ but he also did those crazy tender ballads. To me, that's still rock and roll.”
** [[w:Parker Millsap|Parker Millsap]], singer-songwriter in an article entitled &quot;When the spirit moves Parker Millsap, anything can happen&quot;, as  published on the Boston Globe on  May 18, 2018

* And he came from East Tupelo, jumping at all of us, a carnal, metallic hero shamelessly imitated, a glorious founder. Even today it seems like I remember everything about him, especially how he defined the myth and monument of the culture of contemporary expressionism. He invented everything and led a ship which we could all board, and led many to sing everything when all we would have done without him is sing boleros. He was rock and roll, is today and shall always be tomorrow. God bless Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Mina|Mina]], legendary Italian singer as inscribed in Presley's italian Fan Club online page.

* Elvis loved karate and his moves on stage, in the 70s, were karate inspired. One day in 1971 he went to see my show, then invited me to go see his at the International, so on the way there, at the elevator, I found myself in the company of Alice Cooper, Chubby Checker and the most popular porn star at that time, Linda Lovelace, all of whom were also invited by Elvis. So there we were in the biggest suite in Las Vegas, waiting for him to greet us when he finally came out, but dressed in a karate gi. He did a couple of moves until, out of nowhere, another man jumped in front of us, like the butler in the Pink Panther movie who comes our of the closet and attacks his master and I said.. Gee, that's great!!!
** [[w:Liza Minelli|Liza Minelli]], telling Graham Norton how and when and with whom she met Elvis.

* At his big New Year's Eve party, I got to sit and talk with him and it was just great. He was the voice of my generation and I had a million questions to ask him, but all he wanted was to talk about that session of 'Kentucky Rain,'. &quot;More thunder on the piano, Milsap,' he had said when we recorded it. I then asked him if he would like to get up and sing and added that we knew all his songs. 'No, I want to sit here with my friends and not have to worry about singing&quot;. He knew we did know how to play his songs, and all, but he didn't want to get up and sing and that was fine with me. It was his party.
** [[w:Ronnie Mislap|Ronnie Mislap]] C&amp;W musician, blind since birth, who played píano on Presley's &quot;Kentucky Rain&quot;, as told to Rolling Stone Country, and published on www.theboot.com on December 8, 2014.

* Lesson #1 is that rock music is in the fighting spirit, not in the amperage of the guitars; indeed, some of the toughest rocking has come from all, or mostly acoustic bands; Elvis presented a primer lesson from the famous Sun sessions, with a simple blues song through the most famous faux false start in rock history; he and the boys start out all slow and bluesy, before stopping the band cold and calling it out like the hippest beat poet: 'Hold it fellas. That don't... move me. Let's get real, real gone for a change'. Then they did, let it loose, turned every bit of intensity in their beings into a jumping arrangement, much faster and more rhythmically nuanced a performance than the opening. Much of the intensity is in the fast and furious, but precisely laid out detail work; there is a strong sense of spontaneity and discovery, but what ultimately makes this a hall-of-fame performance is the vocal performance; Elvis doing tricks, making sudden octave wide jumps. &quot;If you see my milkcow...&quot; There is a charismatic determination of spirit that Nietzsche would no doubt have recognized as the will to power; when the King got through with it, it was no longer anything to do with a high calcium drink, but about the singer's assertion of his place in the universe.
** Review of &quot;Milkcow Blues&quot; (1954), Elvis third single for the Sun Records Label, by MoreThings.com

* My parents brought home Elvis Presley's &quot;Hound Dog&quot; and I would sit there, on my stomach, with my face right at this little record player, playing that song over and over and over. I didn't know what Elvis looked like, what any of this was about, all I knew was there was some kind of groove and energy coming off it. That is when I lost interest in playing Kick the Can or Red Rover with the neighbourhood kids and  with a gift of his first guitar, I became a bit of a withdrawn kid who loved being at home strumming my  guitar.”
** Canadian rocker [[w:Kim Mitchell|Kim Mitchell]], as published in the Intelligencer, on November 4, 2017.

* Actually my dad saw Elvis before he was well known. In mid November of 1954, he and mom  were down in New Orleans staying with Frank and Isabell Monteleone, who owned the Monteleone Hotel in the French Quarter in New Orleans. On the weekend, they went to their place in Pass Christian, Mississippi. The Monteleones said, “There’s a little club about a half hour from here. They’ve got this singer there, and we ought to go up and see him.” Then, after seeing him and when my dad was preparing his original written story of &quot;Thunder Road&quot;, he wanted Elvis to play his younger brother Robin Doolin. In 1957, my parents as usual had a Christmas party, and they invited Elvis to discuss the matter. My mom served us some delicious roast beef and I remember at the end of the party and after everybody had left, my dad and Elvis were at the piano taking turns playing and singing songs. My dad loved jazz and knew a lot of Southern jazz songs. Dad would be like, “Do you know this one?” I sat there half the night listening to them. At 13 years old, I knew who Elvis Presley was. It was something. Elvis wanted to play  the part, but his manager Colonel Parker claimed that Elvis had too many obligations to fulfill and too many film contracts already pending to take on my dad's project. But I think the real problem was that Parker was unhappy that someone had gotten straight to Elvis without going through him...
**  [[w:Christopher Mitchum|Chris Mitchum]], in an interview with Medium Corporation dealing with his father, actor and producer [[w:Robert Mitchum|Robert Mitchum]]'s wishes to give Elvis the role of his younger brother in the 1958 classic &quot;Thunder Road&quot;

* I never saw him off the set, but twice, and yet I considered him one of the best friends. A real southern gentleman he was. One of the nicest persons I have ever met in my entire life.
** [[w: Mary Ann Mobley|Mary Ann Mobley]], who co-starred with Elvis in two films,  in an interview with Joan Rivers, in 1992

*  Elvis had an open time period, and I think Colonel Parker remembered all the fan mail that kids wrote from Hawaii.  So to fill that one date that they needed, they decided to come, and that's why he came to in November of 1957
** [[w:KHON-TV|Tom Moffatt]], Hawaii's  foremost concert promoter, recalling the root of Elvis' first performance there, which took  place 17 months before it became the 50th state.

*  I never met him until I was in a rehearsal, in 1969, and he just walked up one time – I'd worked with him with the Sweets for 6 months I think – and he said, &quot;Hey Stump – how you doin?&quot; and shook my hand. I was shocked, because I didn't know that the man knew my name &amp; stuff. You know, [[w:Rick Nelson|Rick Nelson]] was really  good looking but he couldn't touch EP. I mean that man Elvis was something else! When I first saw him – I'm not gay at all – I thought man – this man is really cool neat cat,  man! Anyways, i was with him in August of 1974 when he, Jerry and Red painted a female figure drawn into a mural  located in the west wall of the Showroom Internationale, as if she was black. They waited until 3 am, got some ladders and  black paint, and Elvis did the painting.
** [[w:The Sweet Inspirations|Jerome Stump Monroe]], R&amp;B drummer for the Sweet Inspirations, as told to Richard Crofts and Arjan Deelen in an interview for YouTube, dated  31 May 2018.

* He's all for love and who else can give you this? Elvis Presley for President!
** [[w:Lou Monte|Lou Monte]]'s words heard in RCA's &quot;Elvis Presley For President&quot; single from the summer of 1956. In that year's otherwise inconsequential Presidential election, no less than 5000 people, by write-in, voted Elvis...

* Frankly speaking, I don't know much about rock and roll music and I enjoyed some when I was in high school and college. But I stopped listening after Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Ban Ki-moon|Ban Ki-moon]], eight Secretary General of the United Nations, a national of South Korea, as noted in brainy quote/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley.html

* To me Elvis Presley's best records came after he got out of the Army. I mean, just his delivery. “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” and “Surrender” and “Little Sister,” “His Latest Flame,” “She’s Not You,” even some of the early movie songs like “Follow That Dream” and “King Of The Whole Wide World” that I list among my all-time favorites. But, rock ‘n’ roll purists think that after 1957 there isn't anything any good. I think this is so far off base it's laughable.
** [[w:Craig Moore|Craig Moore]], in an interview with singer Bobby Vee as published by Goldmine on  May 14, 2009

* Elvis gave us a second career'.In his beginnings, he told us he had always enjoyed singing `Precious Lord Take My Hand.&quot; That was  one of his favorite songs
** Bluesman, the Reverend Bishop Dwight Arnold [[w:Gatemouth Moore|Gatemouth Moore]], speaking about the impact of the early Elvis Presley on African American musicians, as quoted by Robert Gordon, for Elsewhere, on November 7, 2007.

* It hosted presidents and one king — Elvis Presley in 1955,”.
** George Moore, the Mobile Alabama [[w:Battle House Hotel|Battle House Hotel]]'s historian, referring to celebrities which stayed there, including Elvis, who did so after a concert at Ladd Stadium, in an article by Marci DeWolf, entitled &quot;Mardi Gras in Mobile a family affair&quot;, and published in January 29, 2018.

* He was pioneer of doing a little bit iof everything, a triple threat,  so yes I am following on his footsteps.
** [[w:Mandy Moore|MandyMoore]], in an interview

* I thought anyone who had been the center of all that insanity for so long would have some of it rub off on him. But, after working in &quot;Change of Habit&quot; with him, I realized I'd never worked with a more gentlemanly, kinder man. He was gorgeous.
** [[w:Mary Tyler Moore|Mary Tyler Moore]], as noted by instarsmeetstars

* Dot continued to travel between Britain and America when I was out there, in between her tours and engagements. In Los Angeles, she once appeared at the 'Moulin Rouge' club in Hollywood, one of her biggest fans being a young Elvis Presley, who attended most of her performances and repeatedly asked her to sing 'This Is My Mother's Day!' He came backstage and, being very nervous, introduced himself to me – as though I didn't know who he was.'Hello, I'm Roger,' I said.'How are you, sir?' he asked.'Lovely to meet you, sir.' He insisted on calling me 'sir' throughout our chat, and acted as though he was in awe of me. Him! In awe of me! Elvis then told Dot how much he admired her and hoped he might have just a little of the success she had achieved. If only he knew. If only I knew!
** [[w:Roger Moore|Roger Moore]], recounting the time he and his first wife, entertainer Dorothy (Dot) Squires met Elvis (page 135 of his autobiography)

* Sam Phillips used what we call 'slapback' or 'tape delay', which lent an otherworldly patina to Presley's voice. And I don't know if Sam was really conscious of it at the time, but if you listen to old pop and country records back then, the voice was always so much farther out from the music; Sam kept Elvis' voice close to the music, so, in essence, Elvis' voice became another instrument.
** [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]], Elvis Presley's lead guitarist from 1954 until 1968, as published in The &quot;Virginia Pilot&quot;, in an article entitled &quot;The rising of Sun Records cast music in new light&quot;, as written by Sue Smallwood, and published on December 15, 1994

* i)  My delight in dating Elvis hinged entirely on one fact. I knew that no one could possibly make Marlon Brando more jealous. I wanted to get even, Brando had done me wrong, so I went from one kind of king to another. I dated Elvis, who was absolutely gorgeous and had a perfect kind of face, but he was not interesting to me.  When Brando saw a photo of us two, in the papers, he was furious, he threw chairs, It was wonderful. ii) When he took the polio vaccine, he was wonderful, a fabulous and important advocacy which should continue to work with today's celebrities vis a vis teh COVID 19 pandemia.
** [[w:Rita Moreno|Rita Moreno]] i) in her Memoirs ii) interview with Dr. Jon LaPook CBS this morning July 20, 2021  Note: Not a single photo of Elvis and Rita has ever been found, which points to her having told Brando about her affair with Elvis, which had indeed taken 2 years before, as if it was happening then and to make matters worse, on the day  Brando told her he had just met Presley at the Paramount Commissary, and had found him very congenial....

* Elvis, yes! Elvis was my man. You know, I used to go up and view his shows.
** [[w:Derrick Morgan|Derrick Morgan]], known as the precursor to Bob Marley, the first big reggae star in early 1960s in an interview reaggeavibes

* I never met a more polite kid in my life.
** Actor [[w:Harry Morgan|Harry Morgan]], who co-starred with Elvis, who was 31 years old,in United Artists' Frankie and Johnny&quot;, in an interview with EMMYTVLEGENDS

* Just pretend everyone in the audience is sitting there in their underwear.
** Advice given to Elvis by  Bobby Morris, the then brand new orchestra conductor of the Showroom Internationale at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, on the night of July 31, 1969, as Elvis became a little trepidatious minutes before the start of his first show in 9 years. As told by his son Daryl Morris in an interview with the Las Vegas  Review Journal published on May 5, 2018. Morris would remain his conductor for the next engagement only, replaced as he was in the summer of 1970 by Joe Guercio &amp; his orchestra.

* It probably will require a hurricane to de-contaminate this area properly after hix appearance here. I know hundreds, and there must be thousands, who deplore the type of music that is being fed to the younger elements of our community. Let us hope that those who feel as  do will make themselves heard so that something may be done to curb the mouthings of that avaricious maniac.
**̇ W.A. Morris, commentimg  on Elvis' performance at [[w:The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina|The Citadel]] 's College Park, in Charleston, SC, on June 28, 1956 in a letter to the Editor of The News and Courier published on July 3, 1956.

* He is the best ever, the most original, started the ball rolling for us and deserves the recognition.
** [[w:Jim Morrison|Jim Morrison]], in 1970, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

*  As a musician,  I was inspired by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Beethoven and Chopin and so  I will always be the same Michele, but with different moods. We are going to have a lot of rough and strong things but a lot of emotion, too. As far as the lyrics are concerned, it will be more mature.
** [[w:Michele Morrone|Michele Morrone]], italian actor and singer  in an article entitled &quot;Racism should be dealt with seriously&quot;, as published in the hindustantimes' August 2, 2020 edition,

* We have a mutual friend who uses the phrase &quot;That’s skinny Elvis&quot;, all day long when describing something cool
** Sam Morrow, telling  Rolling Stone how his duet with Jaime Wyatt on the  song &quot;Skinny Elvis&quot; came about, as published on March 26,2018.

* They did a survey not too long ago about how many people believe Elvis is really dead. And if I remember correctly, it was around 20 percent thought it was some government plot, that Elvis was still alive somewhere, and the government was served well by promoting the idea that he died when he was still alive. And I like Elvis. But I’m pretty sure he’s dead
** [[w:Mike Moser (politician)|Mike Moser]], a Nebraska Senator who got COVID-19 before vaccines were available, explaining to the Legislature how sometimes polls are not to be given much credibility, as noted in an article entitled &quot;Vaccine Exemption Bill Advances; Income Tax Debate Starts&quot;, and which was in Nebraska's Public Media's February 16, 2022 edition 

* The 2019  arrival of a new BMW 3 Series as an event that resets the parameters of the executive car class, because every time a new one  comes along, it usually succeeds in smashing its key rivals and becoming the car to beat. It is as momentous in the motoring world as the Apollo moon landings or the death of Elvis.
** Darren Moss, reviewing the new BMW Series 3, as published in [[w:What Car?|What Car?]]' May 23 2109 edition.

* Representing Elvis is something only dreams are made of...
** Super model [[w:Kate Moss|Kate Moss]], speaking about her appearing in a video filmed at the Abbey Road Studios in London, in connection with the re-release of the song &quot;The Wonder of you&quot;, which had topped the UK singles charts for 6 weeks in 1970, and again hit the Top Five, at #4, in 2007, as reported by the Sun on 29 November 2016.

* I have to say I had some very good scenes with him in &quot;Loving you&quot;, but I found myself going to every shot, every scene in which he sang because I was completely taken by listening to him sing. I could not believe the charisma. Incidentally, my uncle was the opera star Mario Lanza (married to my dad´s sister Betty) and I knew what it was like to encounter not just an actor or a singer, but somebody that you knew was going to be a legend. Mario was going to be the next Caruso and Elvis, I thought, ´he is in that class´. This man is going to live forever because that voice is not just for us, but for the people of God.
** Rev. Mother Dolores, formerly actress Dolores Hart, speaking about Presley´s voice, in an interview to Sirius Radio, in Memphis, TN, on the 36th anniversary of Presley´s death (August 16, 2013).

* I've been an Elvis fan all my life. It started in 1957, but regrettably, I never met him.
** [[w:Nana Mouskouri|Nana Mouskouri]], Greece's leading  music star,  in an interview with Telescoup, as published on their online page on September 30, 2018.

* I don't admire nobody, but Elvis Presley was the sweetest, most humble and nicest man you'd want to know. Singing ability, he a had everything and he was pretty, I know. And when it comes to boxing nobody has the class, the style, the wit, the speed and beauty of Ali. When it comes to singing nobody had everything like Elvis. And the last thing, he did lot for poor people, he cared for people, he had a good heart, he just wasn't a person who was great with talent but great in spirit and with God in his heart, and this is great too. I realise how good I am in my profession, I don't praise nobody if he don't deserve it, cos I am the greatest of all time in boxing, in boxing. I said boxing! I'm telling you, not just you all, the Elvis fans, so naturally you praise Elvis, he's of European race as you are, but I'm black, I'm a Islamic, I'm 100% different from you. And I tell the world Elvis was the greatest of all time. I'm a Muslim who's black who stands up for what he believes. I don't have to say what I don't feel, I'm not false I don't have to say this. I'm free. He to me is one of the greatest singers, actors and all round men of all time. With all the brothers together, none are better than Elvis Presley
** [[w:Muhammad Ali|Muhammad Ali]], as published in numerous magazines and biographies, including Saladin Ahmens's online page, as well as from a speech in Memphis, TN, honouring Elvis life on the 8th anniversary of his passing (August 16th 1985, https://www.youtube.com/watch?

*  A day for people to reflect about the things that were most important to my father, like self-love and self-respecy.  My father loved children,  so in some way, developing around them through the school curriculum. I think the &quot;Ali Center&quot;  is just terrific to always mention and something called &quot;ighters Heaven in Deer Lake&quot;, Pennsylvania, where my father trained for all of his big fights, and where he lived in between his fights. The Beatles photograph, the famous Michael Jackson photograph, the Elvis Presley photographs were all taken there. It’s been totally reconditioned into its original state; so along with preserving my father’s legacy through Muhammad Ali Day, I know from my own family how important it is to create these centers to connect with the community to house all the core values of my father and what was important to him.
** Khaliah Ali, [[w:Muhammad Ali|Muhammad Ali]]'s   fifth daughter, on how she would want &quot;Ali Day&quot;   to be celebrated and his legacy to live on,  as noted in an interview published in the Chicago Tribune's January 17, 2022 edition 

* The board meets every Wednesday at the old courthouse in Inverness. Last week I walked into the old courthouse and there was a portrait of Elvis Presley on the wall, greeting me. “Good morning,” I said to Elvis as I entered the building.I did a double take because he appeared to wink at me. Later in the meeting we had a visit from Paul Perregaux, a Citrus Hills resident who has qualified to run for the Citrus County Community Charitable Foundation board, the nonprofit organization that will decide how the proceeds from the lease of Citrus Memorial Hospital will be used. I asked Paul to give us some background on his life experience so we could let residents know why he was running for the office. The longtime banker pointed out that he had an Army career before he worked for the financial industry in New England and noted he was once assigned a driver by the name of Elvis Presley. And yes, it was that Elvis Presley. “He was a very nice young man” said Paul.Later that same day, back at the Chronicle office in Meadowcrest, we had a very extraordinary visit from April Royal, the widow of Phil Royal I sat for a few minutes with April and as we sat there talking, April Royal explained to me that her recently deceased friend Dorothy Jean's absolute favorite musician was Elvis Presley. Her residence at the Key Center was adorned with photos and paintings of Elvis.In July of this year, April and Phil attended the Key Center's annual auction. Phil had been on the Key Center board for 20 years and had a special relationship with Dorothy Jean Cole.At the July charity event, what comes up for auction but a large velvet portrait of Elvis Presley? According to April, Phil took one look at Elvis and said he needed to purchase the velvet masterpiece for Dorothy Jean. “I don’t care what it costs,” Phil told April. “We need to buy Elvis.” The Royals were the top bidders. Phil wanted to wait until after the Run for the Money to give the present to Dorothy, but fate got in the way. Phil died during the run at a very young 47 years old. His family and our entire community have been rocked by the tragedy. April Royal has been an incredibly strong woman during the aftermath of the tragic events. Just last week she saw the Elvis portrait at her home and decided she had to go visit Dorothy Jean. So she loaded Brelyn and Elvis into the car and went to the Key.She presented the Elvis portrait to Dorothy as a last gift from Phil. Dorothy was delighted to spend time holding Brelyn and she had a big smile on her face.And now, just a few days after that visit, Dorothy Jean Cole has passed away.The irony was almost too much to comprehend.In a very strange way, the velvet King helped me better understand what courage looks like.
**[[w:Gerry Mulligan|Gerry Mulligan]]. Publisher of the Citrus County Chronicle, published on October 1, 2016 at 11:45 pm

* I used to babysit for a Sergeant Phelps at the US airbase and was at work one day when he turned up at my house and told my mum that Elvis would be at the airbase that night and I should go if I wanted to see him.  My mum ran to a phone box to call me at work. I couldn't believe it – I loved Elvis, I had all his records. I changed into my American jeans, lumberjacket, bobby socks and blue suede shoes and cycled the three miles to the airport base. I dropped in at my friend Muriel's and she said she would come too but I couldn't manage to give her a ‘backie’ so we skipped and ran all the way. When we got to the base there was a small group of people already there, standing at the barrier in front of two huge Cadillac cars. Muriel and I were right at the barrier, were so excited and suddenly the plane was in front of us. The door opened and there was Elvis. He was so handsome in his uniform. He waved and we started screaming. He shouted: ‘Where am I?’ and people shouted back: ‘Prestwick’. Elvis came down the stairs and looked fantastic with that beautiful smile. We could nearly touch him. Then Muriel did an amazing thing. She jumped over the barrier and threw herself on him – a couple of huge military policemen scraped her off and put her back over the barrier. The next thing we knew, he was away. We went to the cafe where the young folk hung out and told people we had seen Elvis. They were all laughing at us but the papers the next day proved it.”
**[[w:Ann Murphy|Ann Murphy]], on the night she and her friend saw Elvis on his only hour in Scotland, March 3, 1960, travelling as he was en route to New York, on the day of his final discharge from the US Army, as published on the Scotsman, on 3 March 2006.

* That’s my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you’d see pictures all over of Elvis. He’s just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it’s because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the f***ing room. I don’t give a f*** who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.”
** [[w: Eddie Murphy| Eddie Murphy]], as published in www.graceland.com

* In fact, the overwhelming influx of white rappers has become so pervasive that hip-hop queen Nicki Minaj offered a tongue-in-cheek Instagram observation on the trend: “It’s a great time to be a white rapper in America huh?” Nicki also came with receipts — a screenshot of the iTunes Top 10 Rap/Hip-Hop songs displaying six slots filled with Caucasian spitters: the aforementioned Malone and G-Eazy as well as NF, Macklemore, Machine Gun Kelly and a certain gifted-yet-weary rhyme legend (Eminem), who is most responsible for flipping hip-hop's racial course as Elvis Presley once did with the Black musical art form known as rock and roll.
** Keith Murphy, as published on the BET network online page on December 19,2017 in an article entitled &quot;Now Is A Good Time To Be A White Rapper for everyone except Eminem&quot;. The statement is reminiscent of Chuck D's reconsidered opinion on Elvis when in an interview with ABC-TV, in 2002, he stated: &quot;As a musicologist — and I consider myself one — there was always a great deal of respect for Elvis, especially during his Sun sessions. As a black people, we all knew that. In fact, Eminem is the new Elvis because, number one, he had the respect for black music that Elvis had&quot;

* I named this huge dinosaur   Elvis inter'alia, because of its uniqueness and Pristine Pelvis.
** Nate  Murphy, the Curator of Paleontology at the Phillips County Museum in Malta Montana, on the reason he named the 32-foot Brachylophosaurusn, Elvis,  as noted  in  the June 27, 2005 issue of Newsweek

* But things began to change in late October 1957, thanks to Elvis announcing the impending arrival of “a rock ’n’ roll Christmas.” The setting was a San Francisco press conference and the reference pertained to the imminent release of Elvis’ Christmas Album. Unsurprisingly, the media took the bait, waxing indignantly about the desecration of Christmas music. Even Time magazine got into the act. At the height of its influence, the magazine did one of its trademark putdowns, warning of the “most serious menace to Christmas since I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
** Pat Murphy, for [[w:Black Press|Troy Media]],  in an article dated December 19, 2018 and entitled &quot;The first rock ’n’ roll Christmas&quot;, his reference to TIME dovetaling  nicely (LOL)  with the not so well known fact that TIME, in part thanks to the Luce Family,  remains to this day the only major US based  magazine to have never had Elvis Presley grace its cover.

* It's now or never, as Elvis Presley used to say.
** NJ's Governor [[w:Phil Murphy|Phil Murphy]]'s  answer to a question by a reporter on when should  the vote be held for the legalization of marijuana, as published by CBS Philly's March 21, 2019 online edition.

* I was the twenty-seventh person on standby, on the last flight out of New York City to Memphis the night before the funeral. Miraculously, I got to Memphis and took a cab to Graceland- They'd stopped letting people into the house at that point but everybody was trying to get a photograph of Elvis in the casket, and there was a $50,000 bounty on it.. But the actual funeral was a spectacular thing. I still have incredibly powerful impressions of it, to drive the route and see all the hundreds of thousands of people waiting for him to roll by. It was incredible—very powerful and was about 90 degrees. Waiting in the shade, and all the signs said  &quot;God bless you, Elvis. When the hearse rolled out on the street, and it reached the speed it was going to go at, I burst into tears. It was like the long, slow walk And it was just so poignant, then all the helicopters converged on the cemetery, overhead, and there was a riot at the other gate, you know, at the back gate—people were trying to storm into the cemetery. The hearse was arriving, and I started racing, running from where we were. We  started running towards where I thought the riot was coming from. On the way I encountered the hearse being led by 24 motorcycle cops. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen, because these cops they were guarding Elvis. And all of the sudden there was one man standing in the cemetery right where they were passing by, and there was not supposed to be anybody there. There's one guy, and it's me. And this cop gave me a look that said, &quot;If you move, I will shoot you right through the heart.&quot; I mean, I just froze—you know, like when your hair stands on end. Anyway, as they tried to carry it up the steps, they almost dropped it—it fell like sideways. But then there was a very strange moment when Priscilla actually left. Because you could feel Elvis. You could absolutely feel his presence everywhere. And when she left, it was almost like you could feel his real love went with her, as she rode out of the cemetery. It's was an amazing feeling. I'll never forget it. Well, you gotta have role models. He was an extraordinary guy.
** Comedian and actor [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]' full interview on his attending Elvis' funeral, published on August 9, 2004 at Permalink

* Some people adore goats, some people believe the earth is flat, some even believe Elvis Presley is still alive. Simon Busuttil can believe whatever he wants but when the rest of the country hears these things, they laugh.
** [[w:Joseph Muscat|Joseph Muscat]], Prime Minister of Malta, addressing a political gathering in Gozo, as reported by the Times of Malta on October 14, 2018.

* Just above the lobby, the “Impact of the Bible” floor highlights how Scriptures have influenced cultures across the globe — from education and literature and art and architecture to a King James Bible owned by Elvis Presley which is just steps away from mannequins adorned with dresses by fashion designers such as Dolce and Gabbana, who have featured icons of the Virgin Mary in their brand.
** Adelle M. Banks, reviewing the [[w:Museum of the Bible|Museum of the Bible]], which opened in Washington DC in late 2017, as published in the Deseret News on November 13, 2017

* In 1959 (during his time in the Army), he came under the weather and military doctors diagnosed tonsillitis and suggested that the vocalist, then the biggest performer in the universe, have his tonsils removed. Presley, already more trustworthy than most modern performers in his pleasant acceptance of military duty, agreed. The problem was that no doctor nearby wanted to risk operating on the star, fearing that malpractice would leave him without his golden voice and either a [[lawsuit]] or an an angry fan could ruin any medical career and/or life. They gave him penicillin instead and fortunately everything worked out.
** Published on the December 1, 2014 online edition of &quot;Music Times&quot;, in an article aptly entitled &quot;Tonsillitis and musicians, it aint no joke&quot;

* Love me tender. love me true....
**[[w:Elon Musk|Elon Musk]], channelling Elvis with a  ‘Love Me Tender’ tweet, baffling investors amid his Twitter row, in an article published by the South China Morning Post's April 19, 2022 edition. 

* Few people in my village have the slightest clue about life in America. To them we might as well be the center of the universe. I'm one of few lucky or unlucky ones (depending on how you look at it) who happened to, miraculously, have had the opportunity to live in both worlds. It goes without saying that I can also speak with confidence that my level of confusion is unparalleled. Once, I had confused Elvis Presley for Yuri Gagarin. In fact, there are people in Kokoland who still believe so. What difference will that make, anyway, when folks still believe that the Earth is flat?
** Gony Mustafa, in his Book 20118 &quot;iVillager&quot;, sharing his purposeful journey from a mythical Kokoland, actually a village in [[w:Western Sudan|Western Sudan]], to America and his discovery of enlightenment about the world

== N ==
* The Postal Service is being wasteful in spending nearly US$300,000 to promote its Elvis Presley stamp. To break even, they would have to sell more than one million stamps to collectors who do not then use them.
** [[w:Ralph Nader|Ralph Nader]], a few months before the USPS's announcement that it had netted US$36 million in profits, its highest ever, as a result of some 124 million stamps being purchased and kept by collectors, more than a third of those 500 million originally issued and sold.

* The first time he was booked at the International, in July of 1969, some of us had our doubts. I mean, we opened July Fourth with Barbra Streisand, who'd just won an Oscar, had three pictures going. She was one of the hottest entertainment properties in the world. We knew we had something. Elvis [who was the second performer at the new hotel] was an unknown stage property who hadn't appeared live anywhere in eight years. We knew he'd be something of a draw, but my God! Elvis was a blockbuster, turning out to be an even bigger draw in subsequent runs at the International. I'm not sure how this figure was verified, but it has been reported the Maitre d' and head waiters split $10,000 in tips per night when he performed the following February.
** [[w:Nick Naff|Nick Naff]], executive at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, for elvisdblñog.

*  When a polio vaccine became available in the United States in the 1950s, the March of Dimes, an organization that had been affiliated with President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made a major advertising push, with posters featuring young children who were most at risk of being infected. To boost public interest in the vaccine, Elvis Presley got vaccinated backstage at “The Ed Sullivan Show and it was seen as a patriotic thing,
** René Najera, editor of the &quot;History of Vaccines&quot; at the [[w:College of Physicians of Philadelphia|College of Physicians of Philadelphia]], as publsihed in the New York Times' May, 16 2021 edition.

* My biggest musical influences are Elvis Presley and Led Zeppelin
** Musician [[w:Anna Nalick|Anna Nalick]], as published by SomethingElse, on 23 November, 2017.

* Basically, I tried to mimic my big brothers in a sense. It was the days of peg pants, like today. Usually, when you inherit clothes from your bigger brother, the pants were longer anyway, so there was plenty of room to roll them up. So, yeah, I mimicked Elvis Presley, with his collar up and his slicked-back hair. He was cool, so we dressed as kids similar to what our big brothers did and the stars that we had seen. And I started (dressing) as Elvis (did) because, of course, he was special. My dad was with me one time in Vegas and we were allowed to go backstage where I introduced Elvis to my father. He took my dad and sat down on the couch and they sat there for about 30 minutes just talking and that. Boy, I tell you what, that was something. I'm standing there and Elvis is spending time with my dad. That day, I didn't tell him I dressed like him. He was wonderful. What a gentleman. He was close to the height of his career — one of the heights. I mean, he was always the smart one and the only person I was really thrilled by, and always appreciated his taking time out to talk to my dad, and I do to this day. .
** [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Namath]], in an interview with ESPN in 2005 and in an article published by the Tuscaloosa News, on November 2, 2017.

* I used to work in a record shop and one afternoon I heard them playing &quot;Blue Moon&quot; through the speakers. I'll always remember it coming through the fog. Later, I used to stand in the front room with a plywood guitar shaking my ass like Elvis. He was a genius.
** [[w: Graham Nash|Graham Nash]], founder member of The Hollies and part of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, as interviewed by Caroline Rees for an article entitled, &quot;My best six albums&quot;, wherein he included Elvis 30#1 hits and published in the Express, on Apr 22, 2016

*There was something about Presley's voice. He had a wide vocal range: he could go up and down and stay in-between, with equal ease. There was also a powerful sensuality to his voice. You would know that if you had listened to ‘It’s Now Or Never.’ Besides he had great musicians backing him up.
**Richard Nathan, lead singer for the Funkagenda, in an article published on 22 June, 2018 at The Hindu

* I love Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, even Marilyn Monroe.They had an iconic sense of style. I hope we don't lose that.
** Shaleena Nathani, Indian film superstar [[w:Deepika Padukone|Deepika Padukone]]'s main dress designer, when asked to match one person, dead or alive, to style, and as pubkished in Filmfare.com's June 21, 2020 ediiton in an article entitled  &quot;!In conversation with the creative mind behind superstar wardrobes, Shaleena Nathani&quot;

* In the aftermath of Elvis Presley Estate litigation flurry, the Tennessee General Assembly enacted the Personal Rights Protection Act of 1984, providing clear statutory language ensuring personality rights are not extinguished at death and their descendibility to others. Additionally, the Tennessee Court of Appeals confirmed the descendibility of personality rights under common law in another case brought by the state against the “Elvis Presley International Memorial Foundation” for their unlicensed use of Elvis's name. The foundation argued there was “no descendible right of publicity in Tennessee and that Elvis Presley's name and image entered into the public domain when he died. The court made a clear distinction between the right to privacy and right to publicity, highlighting the economic value of a celebrity’s image, and in reviewing the Sixth Circuit's previous opinion on the matter, found their prior decision was made “without considering Tennessee law. Instead, the court recognized Tennessee has an “expansive view of property” and concluded a celebrity's right of publicity is a “species of intangible personal property” protected in Tennessee. Specifically, the court found descendability of personality rights promotes &quot;an expectation that the investment in valuable capital assets will benefit one's heirs after death, the protection of contract rights, the discouragement of consumer deception, and the policy against unfair competition.Thus, the court held &quot;Elvis Presley's right of publicity survived his death and remains enforceable by his estate and those holding licenses from the estate.
** [[w:National Law Review|National Law Review]], as published on October 10, 2016, in an article entitled 'Elvis and Prince: Personality Rights Guidance for Dead Celebrities and the Lawyers and Legislatures Who Protect Them'' by Peter Colin, Jr, the Review's 2016 Law Student Writing Competition Winner.

* Elvis Presley once said that a man is one thing and an image is another. I didn't really know what Elvis meant by saying that until I was invited to visit the Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital. As I approached it, I saw this statue of Joe DiMaggio in his Yankee uniform with his arm around a little boy. It was the most sensitive looking work of art that I have ever seen.
** Children's books writer and author [[w:Ray Negron|Ray Negron]], in an article entitled Joe DiMaggio, Oh How I Wish I Knew You and as published by NY's Sports Day on March 14, 2017

* Imagine Elvis Presley watching our show. He repeated episodes I'd even forgotten about, even remembering them word for word. And he gave me some great tips about things to do on my tour. You'll never know how much tonight has meant to me..I tpuched his Gold jacket...
** [[w:Rick Nelson|Rick Nelson]], as told to Photoplay editor Maria Borie the night he and Elvis met after Nelson attended Presley's second Pan Pacific Auditorium concert on October 28 1957.

* In his heyday, when he was really hot, there was an explosion of energy between Elvis and his audience. I wasn't a wild fan of Elvis's, but put the man onstage doing his music, and you got something more powerful than the sum of its parts. You got magnetism in action. Maybe it was sexual, I don't know, but if ever a performer could get up onstage and turn a crowd into crashing waves of energy, it was Elvis. Yet Elvis couldn't really whip up a Las Vegas dinner-show crowd on a regular basis. I went to see Elvis one night on the Strip and I slipped in at the back of the room and listened a minute and thought: what is going on here? There was Elvis up there working his ass off, and the crowd was just kind of politely exhausted. They clapped and whistled, but you couldn't feel them giving anything back. I felt like jumping on top of a table and yelling, &quot;Hey everybody, that's Elvis Presley up there! You should be jumping and screaming&quot;
**[[Willie Nelson]] ({{cite book|author=Nelson, Willie; Bud Shrake; Edwin Shrake|year=2000|title=Willie: An Autobiography|publisher=Cooper Square Press|page=277}})

* Around 3,000 years ago, [[David]] became King of Israel, and he named Jerusalem the capital. Now your father echoes his great deed by again recognizing that Jerusalem is our capital, for now and forever. Your father and I are so much alike,  we both love Israel, have Jewish grandchildren and similar futures ahead of us. In fact, the great King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis Presley, could have been speaking about Donald and I when he sang ‘Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock. Everybody in the whole cell block. We’ll be dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock'.
**[[Benjamin Netanyahu]], Prime Minister of Israel, speaking at the opening of the United States Embassy in Jerusalem, on May 14, 2018, with the President's daughter, Ivanka Trump in the audience.

*  It was an ordeal of sorts for many of us —the compulsory monthly haircut at our boarding school in Tiruchy in the 1950s-. Few liked to have their painstakingly grown locks trimmed, let alone sheared off—and for a good reason. Elvis Presley was our much-loved idol then and most of us tried to emulate his puffed hairstyle— something the spoilsport warden frowned upon. He opined that a crew-cut suited us, and Tiruchy's sultry weather, better.  So, fearing that we might be ‘scalped’, we drew upon all our reserves of charm to persuade Dasan, the surly school barber, to minimise his snipping and shearing so that we didn't look like skinheads! He grudgingly obliged us. We boys used to fervently hope that he wouldn't turn up to trim down our nicely burgeoning Elvis hairdos, but he always did, clad in a white shirt and dhoti carrying a rexine bag containing the tools of his trade...
** George Netto, for  the [[w:New Indian Express|New Indian Express]],  in an article entitled &quot;Rooting for Elvis Presley in school&quot;  and as published on 29th August 2018.

* About 125 persons were lined up at the showroom reservation counter early Monday, normally a slow day. Last Saturday some 500 persons were there at 10 am in hopes of getting reservations during the busy weekend. Many were turned away. Officials at the International Hotel said weekends were sold out and that bookings during the week were &quot;tight&quot; for Presley's first appearance before a live audience in eight years. Some Presley fans came all the way from Europe to see the show. The hotel received a letter from a woman in France with a 100 franc note enclosed as a deposit for 10 shows. The woman wanted reservations for both the dinner and midnight shows for five straight days.  So far we have yet to have an empty seat in the house. He is the hottest thing that has hit Las Vegas,&quot; said Bruce Banke, an executive of the hotel. It was his first stage appearance in eight years and his only return engagement to Las Vegas in 13 years. Presley in the flesh has lost nothing. It was still all there. Gyrating legs, wide stance, a bobbing head with tossed black hair, rotating guitar, knee bends and the pounding rhythm of such tunes as &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot;, &quot;Hound Dog&quot;, &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and one of his newest recordings &quot;In The Ghetto&quot; He was contracted to appear here for sn undisclosed salary. Reportedly, Presley is being paid as much as Barbra Streisand who opened the resort in early July for a reported $1 million during a three-year period. Actor George Hamilton was among the first nighters along with businessmen of the Howard Hughes organization. A plane load of admirers flew in from Atlanta, and members of the news media converged here from the East Coast and Europe. Temperatures outside the International Hotel neared 110 degrees the night Presley opened inside the 2,200 seat showroom – after viewing an hour of Presley's gyrations – blood pressure were on the rise. Presley received a long standing ovation. It was one of the the rare occasions when a Las Vegas standing salute was sincere rather than rigged with a few cronies of an entertainer planted down front to stamp and scream approval.
** Myram Borders for the {{w|Nevada State Journal}} in an article entitled Presley Breaks Attendance Records in Vegas as published on their August 8, 1969 edition.

*  At first I would see a kid who used to come over to the Plantation Inn Club when we were  over there. That kid was Elvis Presley.  He would show up every Wednesday and Friday night to see me do Calvin's Boogie and Junior's Jive. I feel that Elvis' later success actually broke the ice for civil rights, because that was the issue during that time, the fact he sent the black idiom all over the world in his music.
** [[w:Calvin Newborn|Calvin Newborn]] African American Jazz guitarrist, whose gigs at the Plantation Inn Club, as well as his home, Elvis frequented, in an interview for the documentary &quot;Why Elvis&quot;

* i) I played a rock and roll star in the fifties... Who was that big guy  then, Elvis,  yeah, Elvis, well we did a  movie in England at that same time ii)  I knew I could never sing like him, but just did my best.
** [[w:Anthony Newley|Anthony Newley]], i)  telling [[w:Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers]] in a 1985 interview,  about his playing a character in the English film [[w:Idol on Parade|Idle on Parade]], based on the 1958 novel by William Camp which in turn was inspired by Elvis Presley's conscription into the US Army and ii)  in a 1959  interview with the Guardian.

* The recent news about robocalls takes me back to last November. I was coming in the back door loaded down with stuff for Thanksgiving. The phone was ringing, but I told myself, “Let it ring, don’t answer it. Don’t do it — you are going to drop something, you know it.&quot; “Ignore the phone call,” I said aloud to no one, yet I knew I wouldn't ignore the call. So I put down the bags — really dropped the bags — and rushed to the phone. As I put away bags of squashed lettuce and more — thank goodness, no eggs that day. “Return to Sender.” an old Elvis Presley song came to my head. In my mind's eye I saw a tall, handsome man standing in front of me singing that song.  I picked up the phone to look at it — and like a light bulb, an idea came to me.  A button. That's what we need: a button, I said in my head. When the calls come in and you know it's not for you — it's not for anyone human — you could press the &quot;star&quot; button twice, maybe, and the call goes back. Every single time. So here's my question for the technicians and scientists out there: Why can't we return robocalls to the people who send them? We should be able to. In fact, we would all be so thankful to the technicians and scientists of the world for developing such a technology. And they  don't even need a new name for it. “Return to Sender” would do. I'm sure Elvis wouldn't mind.
** [[w:Newsday|Newsday]]'s Regina  Phelps,  in an article entitled &quot;My Turn: Elvis has the answer to the modern dilemma of robocalls̊&quot; as published on their 21 March, 2019 edition.

*  Dressed in a chic black tunic and bell bottoms, Elvis Presley stepped onstage last week at the International Hotel in Las Vegas and launched into the driving beat of &quot;Blue Suede Shoes.&quot; The audience of 2,200, most of them over 30, roared and squealed in nostalgic appreciation. In spite of his updated look, Elvis hadn't changed at all in the nearly nine years since his last personal appearance. Oozing the sullen sexuality that threw the America into a state of shock in the 50's, he groaned and swiveled through a medley of &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; &quot;Don't Be Cruel,&quot; &quot;Heartbreak Hotel,&quot; &quot;All Shook Up&quot; and &quot;Hound Dog&quot;. It was hard to believe he was 34 and no longer 19 years old. In fact, there are several unbelievable things about Elvis, but the most incredible is his staying power in a world where meteoric careers fade like shooting stars, Presley shot to the top in 1956 with &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and has stayed in the uppermost tax bracket ever since. When, during a news conference after the opening, a British entrepreneur offered Elvis a million pounds sterling for one appearance in London, it was Parker who answered: &quot;Bring me a deposit tomorrow. Elvis arrived in Las Vegas a week before the show and immediately began rehearsing five hours a day-losing 10 pounds in the process. Only celebrities and big spenders were there opening night to hear Presley sing a lot of oldies and one new song, with a new message aimed at the black rock market. &quot;In The Ghetto&quot; chronicles the evils of poverty in a Chicago slum and could signal the birth of a social conscience for Presley. Another recent record release, &quot;If I Can Dream,&quot; proclaims brotherhood according to the gospel of Martin Luther King, but did not appear on the Vegas program. When asked if these songs marked a new direction he might take, Elvis answered, &quot;I go by the material. When I got 'In The Ghetto,' I couldn't turn it down.
** Portions of [[w:Newsweek|Newsweek]] magazine̪'s review of his July 31, 1969, opening show at the International Hotel, in Las Vegas, published in their August 11, 1969, edition

* I have seen spectacular performers, Buffalo Bill, Enrico Caruso, John Philip Souza, Billy Sunday, Al Jolson, the Marx Brothers, Frank Sinatra, Lena Horne and Liberace but I have never witnessed a storm of excitement like the one generated by Elvis Presley.
** Dwight Newton's laud of Elvis, after reviewing his October 26,1957 concert at the Oakland Civic Centre for the San Francisco Examiner. Newton, who started his journalistic career in 1927, passed away in 2000, at age 98.

* It was huge. I was terrified, I remember that I had my little white lace dress. It was very scary, invited as I was to see Elvis's show and to meet him afterwards and even more intimidating, if incredibly flattering, as he was covering one of my early country hits – If You Love Me, Let Me Know. I went with Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber backstage and Elvis was supposed to come and meet us. But something happened, he had an emergency and he had to leave. It was one of those 'Almost!' moments...
** {{w|Olivia Newton-John}} in an interview with the Brisbane Times, published on October 22, 2016.

* From the first quavering notes of the song, it was obvious that there was something different about him -- you could detect his influences, but he didn't sound like anyone else. There is a quality of unutterable plaintiveness as Elvis, in 1953, sings &quot;My Happiness&quot;, a pop hit,in 1948, for Jon and Sandra Steele, and a sentimental ballad that couldn't have been further from anyone's imaginings of rock-and-roll. It is just a pure, yearning, almost desperately pleading solo voice reaching for effect. The guitar, Elvis said, &quot;sounded like somebody beating on a bucket lid,&quot; with an added factor of nervousness that Elvis must surely have felt. But even that is not particularly detectable -- there is a strange sense of calm, an almost unsettling stillness in the midst of great drama. When he finished, the boy looked up expectantly at the man in the control booth. Mr. Phillips nodded and said politely that he was an &quot;interesting&quot; singer. &quot;We might give you a call sometime.&quot;
** Description of the-then 18-year-old Elvis paying $4 to make a personal record at Sam Phillips's Memphis Recording Service in 1953, as published by the New York Times on October 9, 1994, in an article entitled &quot;The stirrings of a King&quot;

* Recently, someone asked the question of who had been the one individual who'd helped save the most money in the US healthcare industry in the last century. The answer – surprisingly – is Elvis Presley. On October 28, 1956, Elvis got a polio vaccination before his appearance on national TV. That event was responsible for raising immunization levels in the US from 0.6% to over 80% in just 6 months. No other single individual has had that kind of impact on healthcare in the US.
** NEXUS, a former {{w|Dimension Data}} now {{w|Nippon Telegraph and Telephone}} owned company's laud of Elvis' influence on the eradication of polio, as published in their online page in an article entitled &quot;U.S. Healthcare Needs Another Elvis&quot; on February 6, 2015.

* These last three years he's been so used to people tearing at him wherever he goes that he's drawn-into as hell. He's so used to being alone with a few close friends and going for drives and playing records that you can't get him out
** [[w:Anne Neyland|Anne Neyland]], who dated Elvis during the shoot of jailhouse Rocvk, as told to Photoplay in 1960.

* A toss-up between seeing Elvis live in Las Vegas in the 1970s and taking a dip in the thermal waters of Iceland’s Blue Lagoon ...
** [[w:Paul Nicholas|Paul Nicholas]]'s most memorable travel experience, as published in the Daily Mail's January 8, 2022 edtion.

* While vastly different individuals, Abraham Lincoln, Elvis Presley and Martin Luther King Jr. were all brave Americans who firmly stood for what they believed.
** [[w:Kevin Nicholson|Kevin Nicholson]], former President of the College Democrats and a speaker at the 2000 Democratic National Convention, during a dinner for Lincoln Day at the Kosh&amp;shy;konong Mounds Country Club at Jefferson County, Wisconsin, as published in the daily Journal's edition of 13 February, 2017.

*  We were first called the Grim Reapers and we recorded at this place in Janesville (Wisconsin). It was in a barn and this guy [had] a four-track machine. We recorded a song called ‘Cruisin’ for Burgers' and we did Elvis'  ‘Hound Dog, When the people at Epic Records heard it, and they decided they liked us well enough where they gave us a record deal,  they asked us to change our name to Fuse which eventually became Cheap Trick in 1973.  Ad then we lived through a series of highs and lows before encountering a particularly difficult era in the mid-‘80s. That changed with the release of our 1988 comeback album Lap of Luxury, which contained another Elvis track, in fact it was the only version of an Elvis song that went to the Top 5 – ‘Don’t Be Cruel.  So there’s two references to Elvis Presley in our career.”
** [[w:Rick Nielsen|Rick Nielsen]], lead guitarist for [[w:Cheap Trick|Cheap Trick]], in an interview for Ultimate Classic Rock and  focusing on how Elvis impacted twice  in their career, as published on their December 9, 2018 edition

* A group of teenage girls stood at the driveway eager to see a glimpse of him. Then, as someone inside ruffled a curtain, the girls all screamed, totally convinced that they had seen Elvis. Was that Elvis at the window? we would all scream. And, of course, it never was but just another exciting Saturday night at Audubon Drive...
** [[w:Elizabeth Nielson|Elizabeth Nielson]], recalling for the Tennessean her time in 1956, when she was 15 and a resident at the Williamson neighborhood where Elvis first Memphis home at Audobun Drive was located. Such was the excitement outside the home, and the neighbors' complaints, that the Presleys had to move, after a year, to Graceland.

* I wasn't even born when Elvis passed away, but I am hugely grateful for the musical doors knocked down by him.  It was good to have people like that who weren't scared to take chances back then. You don't take chances to do it in vain; you take chances musically because you care, or you want to be different, or you want to see what would happen if you mix this with that. It takes an open mind, but Elvis was one of those people that whatever he did, it was right. I love the fact that Elvis was  a country boy.
** [[w:Jerrod Niemann|Jerrod Niemann]]'s laud of Elvis on the 35th Anniversary of His Death, as published by The Boot's August 16, 2012 edition.

* I knew little of him before we met at the White House. But, as I talked to him, I felt he was basically a very shy man. People say that because he had trouble at the end of his life, that he could not have been a good example, but they overlooked the fact he always used medication prescribed by his physician, so I think that he was always a very sincere and decent man.
** Former US President [[w:Richard Nixon|Richard Nixon]], as detailed in the PBS program &quot;We were there when Elvis and Nixon met&quot;.

* Elvis Presley is my spiritual father and, as you may know, Maria Callas is my spiritual mother.
** [[w:Klaus Nomi|Klaus Nomi]], German countertenor noted for his wide vocal range and an unusual, otherworldly stage persona, as noted in azquotes.

* Eminem is a King in his own right, a genius. He's our Elvis and I think we should claim that.&quot;
** [[w:N.O.R.E|N.O.R.E]], American hip hop and reggaeton recording artist, of Puerto Rican extraction, in an interview with vladrv

* Like myself, Elvis was introduced to the world of self defense while in the military. He would study many styles under many different ethnic instructors throughout his life. In 1959 he started as a student under German  {{w|Jürgen Seydel}}, (a Shokotan sensei), then was mentored under Japanese Teugio Murakami (a Shokotan master),  Korean Kang Rhee (Sa-Ryu TaeKwon Do Grandmaster), Americans Hank Slemansky (a Chito Ryu stylist) and [[w:Ed Parker|Ed Parker]] (the founder of American Kenpo – who would remain his lifelong teacher), and Filipino Dan Inosanto (later [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee]]’s student). Elvis’ love for martial arts permeated his career in music and movies, where he'd often demonstrate his self-defense moves. I'll never forget seeing him perform, sitting in the front booth with [[w:Robert Wall|Bob Wall]] as the special guests of his wife  Priscilla at a  dinner show at the Las Vegas Hilton and being captivated by his charisma and showmanship. That was the day Bob and I  first met him, when, after the  show Elvis invited all of us up to his suite, where we talked until 4:00 in the morning. At first I thought, “What are we going to talk about?” I knew nothing about music, but I knew I could talk about martial arts all night long! And we did! I was impressed with his self defense insight and devotion. Even after two shows earlier that evening, Elvis stayed to the early morning hours shooting the breeze with us. That was a special night for all of us, which I'll never forget.  Elvis was a real nice, down-to-earth guy, who made you feel in a few hours like you had known him forever. I still enjoy his music and films.
** [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]], in an article published on WND's August 13, 2007 edition.

* Before any of my debates, I  listen to Elvis Presley's version of “My Way.”,  just to get myself psyched up...
** Physician [[w:Ralph Northam|Ralph Northam]], 40th Lieutenant Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the 2017  Democratic candidate for Governor, as reported by the Washington Post, on October 24, 2017.

* He is arguably one of the most iconic figures in American culture, the boy from East Tupelo who wanted a gun for his 11th birthday, got a guitar instead and went on to change the world introducing a unique musical style that combined pop, country, gospel and rhythm and blues. Although he moved to Memphis at a young age, Presley's home was, and will always be Tupelo...
** The {{w|Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal}}'s editorial laud of Elvis Presley after his having been inducted, in 2016, to the Mississippi Hall of Fame in an article entitled &quot;Exceptional Mississippians deserve great recognition&quot; and published on December 14, 2016.

*  The entourage was assembled, and the caravan headed out so  Puffy, Biggie and I got into my Ford Explorer. I had a six-disc player, and it automatically went to Elvis 'Suspicious Minds' and Puffy was like, ‘What’s wrong with you? Biggie was in the back and he said, ‘Hey, man, chill out. Elvis was cool,’ I thought it was so awesome that Biggie was sticking up for me for listening to Elvis.” ~
** About the [[w:The Notorious B.I.G.|Notorious B.I.G.]]'s reaction to his friend [[w:Michael Levine (publicist)|Michael Levine]]'s listening to Elvis in his car, as told by Levine in 1997 and as published by The Guardian and The Undefeated.

* Nowadays, with the cult of celebrity so firmly ingrained in western society, it seems obvious that having a leading star flash their wrist at a large audience would see a brand's sales go through the roof. But when Elvis Presley wore the Hamilton Ventura in the 1961 film Blue Hawaii, the then American brand couldn't have imagined the enduring effect of Presley's contribution.
** [[w:Rob Nudds|Rob Nudds]]'s laud of Presley's selling power, even in 1961, when using the first electric watch to have ever been made, a truly unique piece then owned by Paramount and which sold, years later, to the Swiss watchmaker Swatch, for US $1million

* That was the one thing that they knew that could conquer the world. They had the greatest dancers. They had the greatest choreographers and teachers in the world. And so at the time of Nureyev's defection, they were going to the West,  and it was just two months after Yuri Gagarin  went into space, and it was an  enormous embarrassment to them, as he was also one of those enormous stars that you probably won't get again.  He and people like him, like Elvis, they were sort of larger than life, and they stood out more. ...
** About [[w:Rudolph Nureyev|Rudolph Nureyev]]'s  extraterrestrial, larger-than-life aspect to him as noted by film Director Robert Morris to Robin Young of &quot;Here &amp; Now's&quot;, and as reported on WUR.org's  April 25, 2019

== O ==

* So go ahead Bruce, and give me the Elvis take on cultural appropriation right now.  I don’t want to get waylaid I should say, but  I am a big Elvis fan.  And I’m not a believer of narrowingly defining who gets to do what.  I think we steal from everybody, from everywhere and that’s the nature of humanity, of culture,  that is how ideas migrate. That’s how music gets created. That is how food gets created. I  don’t want us to be thinking that there’s this way for that person and that way for the other person. I think what’s always been relevant about cultural appropriation is if the black person who writes the song and who performs it better can’t also  perform it and can’t get the record deal. I’ve got no problem with white artists doing black music cause I don’t think there’s such a thing as simply, exclusively black music or white music, or hispanic music. It’s the economics and the power dynamics underneath it which Elvis obviously was part of, but he didn’t create it.
** US President [[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], transcripted verbatim from the eight and last episode  of a podcast  (&quot;Renegades: Born in the USA&quot;) entitled &quot;Looking towards American Renewal&quot; made in conjunction with {{w|Bruce Springsteen}}, and as published on Newsroom/Spotify's March 21, 2021 edition.

* In Michelle Obama's  Netflix documentary &quot;Becoming&quot; her stylist, Meredith Koop, fingers a suit that awaits the first lady turned bestselling author backstage on her book tour. It's pale pink and pimped with diamanté.  “She is not a minimalist,” Koop deadpans. “When I look at this suit I do see Elvis and I don’t have a problem with that.” That's nothing. It's followed up in short order in the TV show by Obama's now-infamous turn in gold-sequinned Balenciaga thigh boots, and a dress slashed so high that you are left in no doubt that thigh boots are precisely what they are. This isn't mere Elvis style. This is Lady Gaga too.
**  About {{w|Michelle Obama}}, as noted by Anna Murphy, Fashion Director for the Times of London in an article entitled  &quot;Me and Michelle Obama? We take style tips from Elvis&quot; as published in the paper's June 20th edition.

* &quot;One good turn deserves another/Be my love, I'll be your lover/It's all part of nature's laws/If you'll scratch my back, then I'll scratch yours&quot; That's not a poem; it's actually the first stanza of an Elvis Presley song, titled ‘Scratch my back&quot;. The phrase, ‘scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’ was not coined by the writers of Presley's song, having been in existence way before Presley was even born but what it basically means is that a favour done will be returned, and that nothing goes for nothing.
** Buchi Obichie, writing on Legit about Nigerian President {{w|Muhammadu Buhari}}'s 2019 re-election bid, and the price he may have to pay to garner the support he needs,  as published on November 2, 2018.

* When I was at Harvard, and it's the 80s, and I had sort-of come of age with 60s and 70s music, so Elvis wasn't a big interest of mine. And, then in 1983, I listened for the first time to The Sun Sessions, Elvis' earliest work that he did with Sam Phillips. It blew my mind. It was like a drug. I couldn't get enough. It made me go out and buy a guitar. It made me try and play that music. And, in a sense, I've never gotten past that music. I can't get past early Elvis. I appreciate other music, but I'm always drawn back. It's just this energy. What I've always noticed about Elvis is there's nobody more talented, or better looking. He's a rare example of the complete package and he is at the right time. He's got it all. I listen to Elvis nearly every night on Sirius. I love it. Yet, there's always part of me that's very sad that Elvis couldn't have lived to see how great his work was. He was someone who was revered. To see that whole generation come out and play with him and support. And let him know that his work meant something in the American tapestry, but he never got that chance.
** [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]], television host, comedian and producer, speaking with Elvis' foremost biographer, Peter Guralnick, as published on Elvisblog on May 31, 2013.

* As you know, I died in Chicago. I lost my life and I went to heaven because I was very good and sang very lyrical songs. And I got to talk to God and he said, 'Well, what do you want to do? You can go back and be anyone you want.' So I thought who do I want to be? And I thought, I wanted to be the guy who was the King of Pop, the king of show business, Elvis Presley If there's any hope for America, it lies in a revolution. If there's any hope for a revolution in America, it lies in getting Elvis Presley into becoming Che Guevera. If you don't do that, you're just beating your head against the wall, or the cop down the street will beat your head against the wall. We have to discover where he is, he's the ultimate American artist.&quot;
** [[w:Phil Ochs|Phil Ochs]], addressing the audience, from his album &quot;In Gunfight at Carnegie Hall&quot;, a concert recorded at Carnegie Hall in New York on March 27, 1970. He wa  making a reference to his being in Chicago, during the Convention demonstrations, in 1968.

* She has a taste in music that almost perfectly reflects her style, having been in politics for longer than a large portion of the electorate has been alive, and her musical tastes appear to be just mainstream, contemporary Top 40 radio music. Another large portion of her playlist features Jennifer Lopez, Marc Antony and Juanes. But like her opponent, Clinton also professes a love for the music of her youth, including her being a fan of Elvis Presley,
** [[w:Waylon O'Day|Waylon O'Day]], in an article entitled Music and the 2016 Election: Trump and Clinton, published on November 3, 2016

* (In fact), Elvis Presley was a fan. I was thrilled by that; I really was. We never know how we affect the people we come in contact with. We cannot decide how it is we affect anybody. It makes me feel wonderful when I feel that it is something I have done that makes them go on.
** [[w:Odetta|Odetta]], African American singer, actress, guitarist, songwriter, and civil and human rights activist, speaking at the First Amendment Center on Presley's recording of Bob Dylan's Tomorrow is a long time&quot;, where she expressed pleasure in finding out Elvis was a fan of hers, as told on March 25th 1999.

* There is just too much difficulty for getting radio airplay for my new music. Most every song today is the same chords for maybe 300 bars. But I imagine they said the same thing about us when we were jumping around on Elvis Presley and Little Richard and Fats Domino and Sam Cooke and Otis Redding and James Brown. I guess it's all in what you call evolution...
** [[w:The O'Jays|The O'Jays]]'s Eddie Levert, on his return to entertainment at age 75, as published in the Detroit News, on December 28, 2016.

* O'Keefe was deeply depressed by Elvis Presley's death. He was his idol and O'Keefe would keep telling friends that he would be next. Six days after appearing on the Seven Network Show Sounds (which was a little over a year after Presley's death), O'Keefe passed away from a heart attack.
** About [[w:Johnny O’Keefe|Johnny O’Keefe]]'s lasting impact on Australian music, as noted in Stars at 60, on December 3, 2016.

* I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley... the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, America is wheezing its way through ‘Love Me Tender&quot;. But America's still the King.”
** British comedian [[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]], as published on the CheatSheet's March 31, 2019 edition.

* I don’t like to seem like I’m bragging, but I’m going to ask you a question. Who owns Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Forever 21? and JCPenney? Me!!! My real business is I own 50 brands, So, when I was retiring, I’m looking around, I’m like ‘How does Michael Jackson and all these guys live forever?’ So, one of the chapters in the book, joint venture-ship. So, I called the three companies, seemingly Authentic Brand Group, Simon Property Group, and Brookfield Property Partners and they bought my brand for a lot of money. So, I took half that money, put it back in the company,  now I’m the number two guy in the company. I put money back in the company, and now I own all those other brands, so if I  ever go away, we still got Elvis.
** {{w|Shaquille O’Neal}} from an article entitled &quot;Mic Drop: Shaquille O’Neal Shuts Down the Internet with His Financial Portfolio, Owns Forever 21, Elvis Presley, and Much More&quot;, as published in the Atlanta'a Black Star's July 9, 2021 edition.

* Of course, it was hard to get to Elvis because you had to go through Parker. But when I found myself in Las Vegas, in August of 1969  I had a way in and that was through my friend Tom Jones.  Tom was friendly with Elvis so he fixed it with Parker that Tom and I  could sit close enough to take some photos of him performing on stage.  Afterwards I went backstage and met Elvis and  he just struck as the best looking man I’d ever seen, even better than the pictures...
** [[w:Terry O'Neill (photographer)|Terry O'Neill]], UK celebrity photographer, in an interview for IconicImages as published on their 30th March 2017 edition.

* The first thing he did when he came out in 1955 in Texas, it seemed like he was spitting on the stage. It all affected me like the first time I saw that David Lynch film. There was just no reference point in the culture to compare it too. In fact, he was the firstest with the mostest.
** [[w:Roy Orbison|Roy Orbison]], as published in www.graceland.com

* As Elvis noted, 'A little less conversation, a little more action, please.'
** Hugh O'Reilly, President and CEO of Canada's [[w:OPTrust|OPTrust]], telling attendees at a climate-change seminar that this is the moment for institutional investors to become the force behind incorporating climate risk into investing, as published in Pensions &amp; Investments on 25 September, 2018.

* It's hard to pick one, because I love [[w:Celia Cruz|Celia Cruz]]’s depth, Elvis Presley’s vibrato, [[w:Ray Charles|Ray Charles]]’ texture, and [[w:Amy Winehouse|Amy Winehouse]]’ melancholy flow;
** R&amp;B singer Natalie Orfilia, citing her favourite singers, in an article published at Rollingout's October 25, 2018 edition.

* Pat, then 13 as I was, got the tickets through  her mom’s boyfriend who was a captain or something with the St. Louis Police Department.  After the show, he asked us if we wanted to go backstage and meet Elvis, Once there, I noticed everyone was trying to get his attention, wanting him to sign things and take his picture, and he would say ‘yes, ma’am’ and ‘yes, sir’ to everyone.  No matter how crazy it got, he was unfailingly polite. I like that he didn't at all act like a big shot. The photo with us,  once it hit the papers, obviously, was a big hit at my school. People would bring it up to me all the time. When the picture was taken, I happened to have my eyes closed, so all my friends would tease me. They'd say, &quot;You’re in love with Elvis, your eyes are closed&quot;  LOL. After graduating from Roosevelt High in 1960, I got a bachelor's degree from Mizzou in 1964, the same year I  competed in the Miss Missouri pageant. Though neither of us, Pat and I,  were able to follow his entire career, it was all really sad what happened to him.  But I just remember how nice he was to us.
** [[w:Miss Missouri|Kathy Orio]], reminiscing about the night she and her friend Patricia (Pat) Vardell, met Elvis after his Kiel Auditorium concert on March 29, 1957 in an article published in the St Louis Dispatch's March 29, 2014 edition and entitled &quot; 57 years later, former St. Louis resident recalls 'polite' Elvis

* I got a letter from Elvis in 1961, I was 16, and the letter said, “I just want you to know I put &quot;Halfway to Paradise&quot; in my jukebox.” When I finally met him in the ‘70s, I was headlining the Hilton in Las Vegas and was actually following him a week later. I sat with him in his dressing room and then I said, “Let me ask you a question. Do you remember writing a letter to me, saying that you liked &quot;Halfway to Paradise?” And he calls Priscilla into the room, and he said, “Tell Tony what my favourite song is.” And sure enough, it was &quot;Halfway to Paradise&quot;,
** [[w:Tony Orlando|Tony Orlando]],in an interview with Shawn Conner with the Vancouver Sun, published on April 6, 2016-

* In late 1956,  at a Buenos Aires railway station where I ended up sleeping my first night after arriving from the provinces, that is when  I heard his voice, which caused me shock, fear, but it also generated an artistic purpose on me. It changed my life. ii) Years later, I noticed [[w:Peter Rock (musician)|Peter Rock]] was the best Latin American Elvis, until I saw [[w:Sandro de America|Sandro]]
** [[w:Palito Ortega|Palito Ortega]], Elvis greatest fan amongst all Latin American singers, as stated in an  interview in la Tercera's December 26, 2017 edition IIU) ii) CNN interview Aug 23, 2018

* I remember watching this guy walk through the door as a regular human being, and the night before he was a master of the stage. That magic that aura, that whatever,  he left it on the stage, because when he was with you he was a someone you could talk to,  in other words, a very, very  nice person.
** [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]],- for Biography and Life Story

* Me, as a fan of music, I wasn't real sure at first — I wanted to see how it is — but this is something groundbreaking. For me, I would love to see a David Bowie [hologram performance], or I would love to see... maybe not a whole night, but AC/DC with... four songs with Bon Scott. Especially, people I've never seen — Elvis, I'd love to see an Elvis one
** [[w:Tim &quot;Ripper&quot; Owens|Tim &quot;Ripper&quot; Owens]], heavy metal singer, on  the subject of the holograms he would like to see, as published in Blabbermouth on December 17, 2017.

* People talk of his range and power, his ability and ease in hitting the high notes. But the real difference between Elvis and other singers was that he could sing majestically in any style, be it rock, country, or R&amp;B – because he had soul. He sang from the heart. And that is what made him the greatest singer in the history of popular music.
** [[w:John Owen Williams (record producer)|John Owen Williams]], English A&amp;R executive, record producer, photographer, manager, recording artist, and songwriter, speaking about the soul in  Elvis'voice.

== P ==
* It was in Vegas in '73 and it was really something to see. They really didn't know what to do with each other. Obviously Elvis was enthralled to be in Ali's presence, but so was Ali, he loved Elvis. Elvis came in to Ali's hotel room with the robe, 'The People's Champ' written on the back in jewels. Ali sees Elvis coming in and says, 'Hey, that's Elvis, man. He looks pretty good!' And both of them looked at each other like good-looking women would look at each other to appraise how they look. At that time, Ali was at the height of his good looks, so this was probably the best-looking black guy and the best-looking white guy on the planet in that room, and they were looking at each other like roosters. 'You look good, Ali.' 'Yeah, you're looking good, Elvis'. So here they are and they really wanted to be friends with, and respected each other and the love was there, but they couldn't quite get as close as they would have liked. But the robe Elvis presented to Ali that night was the only one he ever kept..
** [[w:Ferdie Pacheco|Ferdie Pacheco]], Muhammed Ali's personal physician and cornerman, on the day Ali and Elvis met, as published in the Sabotage Times, 8 January 2016 edition.

* i) I am doing probably what they were doing up there, which is try to emulate the music I heard coming from America in some shape or form. It's defining coming from America, rock 'n' roll, rockabilly if you like, like in the modes of what (Elvis) Presley was doing and inspiring so many people like Buddy Holly, Gene Vincent, all of them. And then accessing the blues and wanting as much to be sort of B.B. King, do you know what I mean? It was this sort of growth, really, of this voracious appetite I had for all things six strings, really. I can see how it manifests across the board. ii) We got to meet Elvis on May 11, 1974. He'd been the one who'd done so much for so many, setting everyone alight and flighting right under the radar with all of this black music, doing numbers by country blues artists like Arthur Crudup and Sleepy John Estes. It was unbelievable. He was one of us. And think about it! He started in 1954 – that was more than ten years before we arrived. It's miraculous that he made it through! He had the hand of God over him, he really did. He was the one that brought it all together. He brought blues and race music to the white culture. Rewinding to 1974, we were invited to see him play and then invited back to a party afterward. We went up to his suite. There was just a few other people. I can tell you we were really nervous when he came in the door. He really moved as naturally cool in real life as he did on film. That wasn't an act, that's just how he really was! It was real cool to us. It was a little awkward at first because his music meant so much to us but then somebody said 'You know that hot rod you drove in the movie 'Loving You'? And that was that everybody just drove into the conversation relaxed and had fun. He was wonderful a fantastic man!!! On this day in 1998, I played at Tupelo, where Elvis was born and raised, when there were no local attractions apart from the cotton fields or getting to Memphis. When Elvis grew up it must have been pretty bleak but the white and black picked the cotton side by side and the local indigenous music provided the soundtrack to this tough environment and it took the visionary genius of Elvis to blend those musical sources and change the world.
** [[w:Jimmy Page|Jimmy Page]], lead guitarist for [[Led Zeppelin]], telling reporter i) Gary Graff of 105.7 WROR, on 31 March 2017 about his US influences and ii)David Frickle on how it felt for a child a of post-war Britain, to meet Presley as published in RollingStone magazine's October 28, 2014 edition, as well as from the book &quot;Light and Shade&quot; published in 2012.

* It was during filming that I remember a particularly special day. Elvis and the assistant directors gathered the whole cast &amp; crew together on set for  an important announcement. Elvis was beaming. I remember the anticipation of what he would say, and he stood up on a couple of apple boxes and shared with us all the news that his wife Priscilla was expecting. His famous smile and the glint in his eyes expressed such happiness! Everyone applauded and yelped ‘congratulations!’ Then, Elvis looked over at me among the crowd, pointed, and said, “And I want a little girl just like you!” It was an unbelievably happy moment – I ran over and hugged him...
** [[w:Victoria Paige Meyerink|Victoria Paige Meyerink]], child actress and future motion picture director, recalling the time when,  as a 7 year old, she co-starred with Elvis in &quot;Speedway&quot;.

* Back in the early days of [[w:Storage Wars|Storage Wars]], Dave Hester happily filled the role of resident baddie, driving folks crazy with his belligerent swagger, always looking to pick a fight or drive up the price of a unit that someone else wanted, even if his only objective was to stick in their craw and get them to lose their cool. But in spite of the rascally overtones, Hester was still a savvy player who did well during his time on the program. The best example of his success came all the way back in the first season, when Hester bought a storage unit that was loaded with newspapers. At first it seemed that all Hester had done was purchase a load of outdated periodicals. But then he discovered that the stash was all from the same day: August 17, 1977. Sound familiar? That's the day after Elvis Presley died. The unit ended up being a gold mine, with the plethora of papers all sporting the King of Rock and Roll's face adding up to a staggering $90,000.
** Jaron Pak, recalling for [[w:List of maze video games|Looper]], an extraordinary Elvis related find by Dave Hester,  a participant during the first season of US TV reality show &quot;Storage Wars&quot;, in an article published in their December 29, 2018 edition. its narrative dovetailing nicely with the notion that August 17, 1977 was the day  when more newspapers were printed, and sold in America since November 23, 1963, the day after JFK's assassination

* It doesn't get any bigger than Elvis
** [[w:Annastacia Palaszczuk|Annastacia Palaszczuk]], Queensland's Premier, welcoming the fact Baz Luhrmann's &quot;Elvis&quot; was filmed entirely in Queensland, creating about 900 local jobs, as noted in the Dinglketon Argus' June 4, 2022 edition

* I didn't think much of him  when I first met him in Las Vegas in April of 1956 before he was a movie star. After working with him  in Jailhouse Rock, I saw a complete different side to his character and then I enjoyed working with him.
** [[w:Gloria Pall|Gloria Pall]], as noted in her book entitled &quot;I Danced Before the King (Elvis)&quot;, a reference to the known fact she played the showgirl whose legs are briefly seen in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;

* But the last side, recorded during rehearsals for his 1968 television special, is another treat, as fine and tough and overflowing with heart and soul as any of his 50's recordings. Playing an electric guitar, rather than his customary acoustic model, he traded fluid rhythm and lead parts with Scotty Moore, their interplay almost telepathic. And with his original drummer, D. J. Fontana, stoking the fires, this music moved, from the ferocious version of Rufus Thomas's Sun Records label blues &quot;Tiger Man&quot; to Jimmy Reed blues shuffles, to smoldering New Orleans triplet-style blues-ballads like &quot;Lawdy Miss Clawdy&quot; and &quot;One Night&quot;. This is rock and roll as good as it gets.
**  [[w:Robert Palmer (writer)|Robert Palmer]], reviewing Elvis' boxed set, ¨A Golden Celebration¨ , for the New York Times on Nov. 18, 1984.

* I remember that all my music listening had to be from the single family wireless receiver, which was built like a piece of furniture and took up an entire corner of the front room. It was from this Ekco set that I first heard Elvis Presley's &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;. It was a musical epiphany for me. His moody syncopated delivery was astonishing, daring, disrespectful. My father came in while I was listening and he asked, &quot;Something wrong with the set?&quot;. He was going to check the valves at the back but I told him that it was Elvis Presley and that he was meant to sound like that.
** UK Comedian and actor [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]], of Monty Python fame, describing his early affinity with the arts, entertainment and music in an interview publshed by Australia's Sidney Morning Herald, on November 13, 2014

* Since 2007, the English Wikipedia page of Elvis Presley has received more than 49 million page views. His biography is available in 167 different languages resulting in his becoming the most read of any singer since 3,500 BC,  as well as the subject of  its 19th most analyzed   biography amongst those people, of all professions,   known have been born on US soil since 1776   
**  [[w:César Hidalgo|Pantheon]] 's laud of Elvis, as noted in  their 2022 edited, 2.0 online program  which maps the historical cultural  production, or celebrity, of every person born after 3,500 BC

* When he turned it on, Elvis sang with the spiritual fervour of one who spoke in tongues, not so much communicating with the listener, as communing. Our continuing fascination with Elvis is a testament to both his charisma and his voice. The details are secondary. To paraphrase the literary critic and poet Al Alvarez, all that matters is that you hear the voice. When this happens, Elvis Presley doesn't just hold a mirror up to nature, he creates an eternal moment, leaving the sound of his voice on the airwaves as distinctly as Leonardo Da Vinci forever fixed the Mona Lisa smile in time.
** [[w:Richard J Parfitt|Richard J Parfitt]], Senior Lecturer in Music and the Performing Arts at Bath Spa University, as abridged from an article entitled &quot;The Quasi religious significance of Elvis&quot;, published in the online edition of The Comversation, on December 11, 2014.

* I've had the luckiest and greatest life you can imagine, like  when Elvis Presley turned to me and introduced me to Johnny Cash. Before I knew it, I was standing in between the two legends.
** Arnold Parker, country musician, recalling for the Victoria Advocate the days when he toured with Elvis  and Johnny Cash, in 1955,  as members of the [[w:Louisiana Hayride|Louisiana Hayride]]

* Donald Trump and Bill Clinton were born two months apart in 1946 into a revolutionary culture that soon would embrace a hip-swiveling crooner named Elvis Presley and Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine. Basically, everything you need to know about them can be found in these two mid-century icons. A fellow Southerner, Clinton saw himself as Elvis. Even now, his face sometimes betrays Elvis's smoldering glance with the slightly curled lip. Trump, a New York City boy, was Hefner. He collected all the toys of the Playboy lifestyle — boats, planes, cars — the best of everything a guilt-mongering rich boy would seek to glam up his sex appeal. Mar-a-Lago was his Playboy Mansion. All three of his wives have been bunny quality, and Trump Tower isn't just a tall building.
** [[w:Kathleen Parker|Kathleen Parker]], Pulitzer Prize winner for Commentary in 2010, in an article for the Washington Post entitled Who is worse, Trump or Clinton, published on October 12, 2016

* Come to think of it, Elvis, having black females as background singers might be bad going into southern regional areas, such as Texas..
** [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Colonel Tom Parker]], advising his Elvis not to take the Sweet Inspirations to his six back to back shows which, as it turned out, drew 200,000 fans at the Houston Astrodome in late February and early March of 1970. Elvis response &quot;Fine, then we won't do any  more gigs in Texas or any other such places that don't accept them. In fact, if they don't accept them, they don't accept me&quot; , with the latter quote coming from Cissy Houston,   lead singer of the Sweet Inspirations and the mother of Whitney Houston, in an interview for YouTube.

* The news I could bring is that I met up with The King
** [[w:Gram Parsons|Gram Parsons]] on meeting Elvis backstage after a concert in his hometown of Waycross, GA, on February 22, 1956 following which he decided to become a musician. He was 9 years old.

* I don't know of anybody that doesn't like Elvis or heard anybody say, ‘Oh, I don’t like his singing.’ Everybody loved Elvis, and I just think that's incredible. He was so different in every way — his voice, his style, the way he moved, the way he looked. He just had this charm and charisma and a lot of sex appeal.
** [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]] who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT's online edition of November 21, 2014.

* He was remembered as an ambassador who had a hand in the Redbirds moving from Louisville to Memphis, the building of AutoZone Park, and by extension, the Grizzlies' move from Vancouver to Memphis. He made Memphis sports what it is. He's the guy. What Elvis Presley did, that's what he did.
**[[w:Josh Pastner|Josh Pastner]], speaking about journalist and sports talk radio pioneer George Lapides, as published in Memphis Daily journal, on December 28, 2016.

* As with the first time we stepped into this amazing world — it is the extraordinary intimacy of Elvis's vocal performances that is truly breathtaking, the exquisite and effortless way he takes us on an emotional journey with him, through delicate sensitivity to power and grace all within a magical 3-minute song. You can't imagine how often we heard these songs during the course of this project but I can honestly tell you that every single time Don Reedman and I played each song it really did feel as if we were listening to a private performance held  just for us in our own home. Our home is the Abbey Road studio and we were listening to the greatest artist that ever lived.
** [[w:Nick Patrick|Nick Patrick]], co-producer with Don Reedman for &quot;If I can dream&quot; &quot;The Wonder Of You&quot;, and Christmas with Elvis&quot; the three  albums dovetailing the voice of Elvis Presley with live recording and playing by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

* &quot;Whether one is an Elvis fan or not there is no doubting that no church in Grimsby or any other town, possibly, has ever seen anything like it before, the most moving and joyful service I have ever officiated at. Some people used to think rock and roll was the devil's music but Elvis was a devout Christian.&quot;
**The Reverend [[w:Ray Patston|Ray Patston]]'s tribute to Elvis' passing, as excerpted from an article entitled &quot;Tributes to Vicar who famously mourned Elvis' death&quot; and published at the Grimsby Telegraph on 19 March, 2015.

* Designer Peter Blake worked with The Beatles to stage the cover of the &quot;Sgt. Pepper's&quot; album, which was filled with life-size cardboard likenesses of famous figures including Mae West, Bob Dylan, Marlon Brando, Edgar Allen Poe, Fred Astaire, Sonny Liston, Dylan Thomas, Laurel and Hardy and Karl Marx. John Lennon even requested the inclusion of Hitler and Jesus in the artwork, but he was turned down. (As to) Elvis, he did not appear on the album cover because it was felt by the Beatles he was too big an icon to be included.
** Calum Patum, discussing the auction sale, for 29,000 UK pounds, of the gnome which featured on The Beatles' iconic &quot;Sergeant Pepper's&quot; album cover, as published in the Mail's online edition of 21 April, 2015.

* I went in, in 1957, and was soon stationed in Germany with Elvis Presley and Gary Crosby – Bing Crosby's son. We were there so I said why don't we start a band, so we didn't have to do any hard work in the service. We tried to get Elvis to join us and I used to see him every day but he wanted to get away from music for a while, while he was in the service. So me and Gary Crosby, we started it and called ourselves the Jazz Blues Symphony Band. As to hearing people talk about Elvis having racial tendencies, that was a lie....
** [[w:Billy Paul|Billy Paul]], on his time in the Army, as told in ourrockandrollhalloffame

* I love his voice
** [[w:Luciano Pavarotti|Luciano Pavarotti]], to an UPI reporter who greeted him  at Memphis Airport in the spring of 1972

* Living with my parents in Rapid City, S.D, I was 14 or 15, and Elvis Presley coming  to town. This was a month or two before he died. I witnessed women throwing everything onstage -- everything that goes with an Elvis show. It was fascinating.&quot;
**Pat Paxton, President of [[w:Entercom|Entercom]]'s answer to the question of which was the  most memorable concert he ever attended, in an interview with Billboard and as published on January 25, 2018.

* By the early 1960s, only half of the total goal of $500,000 had been raised, so journalists from Hawaii reached out to newspapers across the country for support. Elvis Presley was inspired, and decided to put on a show in remembrance of the men aboard the Arizona and veterans as a whole. There were 4000 available seats for the show, 100 VIP ringside seat tickets which sold for $100 apiece. Using values adjusted for inflation, a VIP ticket cost nearly $800, in 2016 dollars. All of the profits were to be used for the construction of the USS Arizona Memorial. Over 3000 people greeted Elvis upon his arrival at Honolulu International Airport. The concert alone raised $52,000, which was 17% of the total goal for the memorial. While it wasn't enough to completely fund the construction, the performance spread awareness about the fundraiser with an additional $10,000 being personally donated by Elvis and Colonel Parker. Today, people visiting the Arizona Memorial can see the plaque that thanks Elvis and his fans for their contributions to the monument, which was dedicated and built over the next year. The Arizona Memorial today is a symbol of the men aboard the USS Arizona who now stand eternal watch. Attracting over a million visitors annually, the Arizona Memorial makes for an exciting morning of activities....
** [[w:Pearl Harbor Visitors Bureau|Pearl Harbor Visitors Bureau]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as one of the largest personal contributors to the Memorial.

* I predict that Elvis Presley's star will fall as quickly as it rose...
** [[w:Drew Pearson (journalist)|Drew Pearson]], columnist, discussing his impact on society in 1956 as noted in one of his early 1957 NBC TV Washington  Merry Go round episodes.
** [w:Drew Pearson (journalist)|Drew Pearson]], columnist, discussing his impact on society in 1956 as noted in one of his early 1957 NBC TV Washington Merry Go round episodes.

* Maybe you've heard or seen of him, a country star whose striking accessories -- not to mention his acrobatic voice, are  evocative of Elvis. 
** About [[w:Orville Peck|Orville Peck]], a country mmusician who wears a fringed mask that obscures most of his face, in an article by Scottie Andrew and published at CNN's March 5, 2022 onñine edition. 

*I played trombone for Elvis in 1972, on many of his tours that year.  In a technical sense – air, attack, tone, key and rhythm, yes he was very very good. He had great gut instincts, tremendous talent and abilities and was not shy about saying what he wanted or when he thought that something was wrong or could be done better.  But more important than that is the fact  he was an entertainer. He understood his role and knew how to move an audience. His phrasing an expression showed talent that was natural
** Randall Peede, retired engineering entrepreneur,  pro musician and educator, answering a question on whether Elvis was as talented as most people portray him to be and  as published on [[w:Quora|Quora]] on August 25, 2018.

* In America, Elvis Presley and Martin Luther King have wonderful memorial museums...
** [[w:Pelé|Pelé]], in his autobiography, after whose release, the idea of a museum of his life was finally born, its opening a year later taking  place  in Santos, the city that first saw him play.

* Roald Dahl  and  Stephen King are my Elvis Presley and my Beatles'
** [[w:Paul Pen|PaulPen]],  Spanish author of literary fiction, thriller and suspense, answering who were his greatest influences, as noted in Papel en blanco̪s Jul 8, 2014 edition

* In the 1962 film &quot;Kid Gallahad&quot;, Presley portrayed a young man just out of the Army, training to be a prizefighter. He was helped on set by boxing trainer Al Silvani and former welterweight champion “Mushy” Callahan. Since the film's release, the location has drawn Presley fans from around the globe. Real estate broker Robin Oates was one of 50 Idyllwild Elementary School students who were extras. He remembers meeting Presley at age 11 and recalls that it was a “big thrill, pulling three or four kids out of our school and have us for the day. We’d go into one of the local restaurants that the film crew rented. Elvis and others from the film crew would throw a football in the street nearby during breaks. One time, several of us were told to stand in a certain area. Then, he appeared out of nowhere and gave us each an autograph. At night, fans would hang out in front of the house where he was staying. In 2016, 54 years after the movie was shot there, visitors continue to come on tour say, from the UK, to see the lodge. Bob Smith, volunteer archivist with Idyllwild Area Historical Society, escorted them. “It was a pilgrimage,” says Smith, with a smile.
** [[w:Julie Pendray|Julie Pendray]], published on November 13, 2016 at Palm Springs life.

* I love his voice
** [[w:Luciano Pavarotti|Luciano Pavarotti]], to a UPI reporter, in 1972, at Memohis Airport.

* It was precisely the creation of my chocolat Eiffel Tower, when I was 21, that led me first to Paris, then to Frankfort, in Germany. There I met Catalina Liz, a Spaniard in whose cafeteria I worked, and which was visited several times by  Elvis Presley, then with the US Army. He loved my pastries, really.
** World renown Spanish pastry chef and baker [[w:Santiago Perez|Santiago Perez]] in an interview for his hometown's Diario de Leon, published on 31 October, 2016

* This boy had everything. He had the looks, the moves, the manager, and the talent. And he didn't look like Mr. Ed like a lot of the rest of us did. In the way he looked, way he talked, way he acted – he really was different. We have sadly lost the most popular man to have ever walked on this earth since Christ. But even back then, when people would laugh at his sideburns and his pink coat and call him 'sissy' -- he had a pretty hard road to go. In some areas motorcycle gangs would come to the shows. They would come to get Elvis, but he never worried about it. He went right out and did his thing and before the show was over, they were standing in line to get his autograph too. God intended for Elvis Presley to do what he allowed him to do. That's why he made him so good looking. I used to get close to him, tried to find a fault so I could go out and tell the world that he had  a big mole back here, but, nah, he had no mole back there. Rock and roll is where it is today because the front door of this studio was opened and that kid walked in here and moved an awesome mountain that sat in the way for people like me who might never have gotten anywhere. And he was my friend..
** [[w:Carl Perkins|Carl Perkins]], as published in www.graceland.com and about education.com

* I felt there was a man there who truly cared about people. But his life was on a level that my life was not on. I felt like Phillip Dunne [director] fawned all over Elvis. Elvis' attitude was – I saw Elvis looking around that set and summing up people faster than anyone else could have, and I felt that after a short period of time he was disappointed in Phillip Dunne, but he was too polite and well behaved to say anything. He tried very hard to make this film better than his other movies, and you saw him trying and asking questions. And I just believe the sad thing is that [the director] did not have the ability to help Elvis through it. I remember one scene; we were sitting in the truck, and we were supposed to be driving home from a dance or going to a dance, and in the script he was supposed to break into song, turn on the radio and start singing. And to me it was like &quot;yuk,&quot; I was very young and I thought, &quot; my sisters are going to tease me, this is so embarrassing and tasteless.&quot; You see, I was a snob, too. But – and this was the nicest thing – while we were rehearsing, finally the director walked away, and Elvis looks at me and says, &quot;God, this is so embarrassing. Nobody would ever do this in real life. Why are they making me do this? He never used his star power – never. Maybe he should have. Maybe he did it on some level, but he sure didn't do it on the set. I felt like he was younger than me, this very humble person who would make statements that he believed in. All I know is that there was a person there with a refined heart and soul, and I say refined on any level you want to look at it. When you meet someone like that, you know they're there,The essence of Elvis was a fine person as I've ever met.
** Actress [[w: Millie Perkins|Millie Perkins]], Elvis 'co star in the 1961 film Wild in the Country and who played the role of Gladys Presley in the 1990 TV Miniseries &quot;Elvis&quot;.

*  Elvis Presley released hundreds of records throughout a career that spanned slightly more than two decades. He also starred in thirty-one feature films and two documentaries. He was photographed throughout his career, and images of him on film are part of the American visual experience. However, he only sat for one portrait painter, [[w:Ralph Wolfe Cowan|Ralph Wolfe Cowan]]
** [[w:Edmund Warren Perry Jr.|Warren Perry]], Curator at the  the National Portrait Gallery, as published at the Smithsonian-s January 8, 2010 edition.

* I don't like that. I mean, I could understand if I was Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Luke Perry|Luke Perry]] telling RollingStone magazine, in 1992,  how he disliked the cult-like following he had gained as one of the lead actors in ̊&quot;Beverly Hills, 90210&quot;, mobbed as he was with young girls chasing him wherever he would go and as published in his  March 4,2019 Yahoo obituary,

* You couldn't take your eyes off of him.&quot;
** [[w:Joe Perry|Joe Perry]], lead guitarist for Aerosmith, as published in www.graceland.com

* I had my head over in it and he came out of the back parking lot and asked if I liked it. I was still standing there with my mouth open but managed to compliment him on his choice. He said that the one which he had just picked was his,  but that he will buy me one. So,  he caught me by the arm and carried me back to the parking lot where he had come from and told me to pick one out. So I picked a gold and white model that listed for about $11,500 ($81,689.66 in 2019 money). Apparently, he had learned that my birthday was the next Tuesday, so  he wished  me a Happy Birthday, gave me a check, and the car keys and this inspite of me telling him that my husband Troy and I already owned a Cadillac, a 1974 model. But that didn't bother him, as  he then just  told me to keep the  check, or give it to my husband or whatever we wanted to do with it.
** [[w:Los Angeles Times|Mennie L. Person]], an African American bank teller in the Memphis metropolitan area to whom Elvis gave a Caddy, as reported by the Los Angeles Times on July 30,1975

* He phoned me and asked me if I would mind if he recorded 'The Wonder of You.' I said, 'You don't have to ask permission; you're Elvis Presley.' He said, 'Yes, I do. You're Ray Peterson.
** [[w:Ray Peterson|Ray Peterson]], as published by David Neal in the Originals

* I'd never thought much about rock 'n' roll until that moment, when I both caught the Elvis fever and kicked off my love of music. And I never got rid of it. There was a huge crowd, the biggest crowd I've ever seen in the streets of Ocala and then, I swear to God, a line of white Cadillacs pulled in, and I was standing up on a box to see over everyone's head, because a big roar started up when the cars pulled in. Guys in mohair suits began bounding out of each car. Is that Elvis?, I muttered every time. He finally stepped out radiant as an angel. He seemed to glow and walk above the ground. It was like nothing I'd ever seen in my life. At 50 yards, we were stunned by what this guy looked like, and then he came walking right towards uncle Earl, aunt Ellen and little old me!!! I still don't know, to this day, what he said to us, because I was just too dumbfounded. And then he went into his trailer. The day after, I learned all of those early Elvis songs and having that kind of background in rock 'n' roll, of where it had come from, has served me to this day. It became an invaluable thing to have. So for that, I thank him.
**[[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty]], recalling how at age 10, he met face to face with Elvis during the filming of &quot;Follow that dream&quot;, in Ocala, Florida, in July of 1961.

* Fany was his country's most famous and finest guitarist. In 1946, he moved to the Republic of South Africa as a migrant miner, recorded with [[w:Miriam Makeba|Miriam Makeba]], his guitar work not matched there either. Known as the Elvis Presley of the Marrabenta style he is credited with expanding on it with modern influences from Johannesburg.
** About [[w:Fany Pfumo|Fany Pfumo]], Mozambican-born singer mainly active in South Africa, considered one of the founders of the Marrabenta music style and scene, as reported in Zambia's Business Day on February 20, 2018

* His face darkened into a frown, but he managed to finish 'All Shook Up'. Then with his eyes flashing, he pointed to Scotty Moore and addressed the crowd. &quot;He got egg on his guitar, Whoever threw that will never make the Yankeesǃǃ&quot;  After a moment's pause, which did not cool his ire, he  again faced the crowd 'Most of you people came here to enjoy the show, the guy who threw the egg will never make it. I mean it, Jack, we're just trying to put on a nice show'. The guilty were William Quinn 20, from  New York,William B Oates, 21 of Brooklyn, James Stark, 20 of Greenport, New York and John Eidt, 20 of New York City, and they  spent the night in jail.
** The [[w:Philadelphia Bulletin|Philadelphia Sunday Bulletins]] account of the incident involving four Vilanova students during the second of his Philly  show in the spring  of 1957,as printed on their April 7, 1957 edition.

* So often in the careers of great men and women of history, there came a point in time where they were told their talents were not sufficient to realize their dreams. In the case of Elvis Presley, these words came early and often. But by the end of the 1950'a he was a musical phenomenon who electrified millions of attendees at his live performances. Until his untimely death in 1977, Elvis had an indisputable role in creating the modern American musical landscape and the development of a unique youth culture. Elvis' importance to the inception of rock and roll, and contemporary music as a whole, cannot be overstated, his image transcending the categories of the music he played and the movies he starred in to become a cornerstone of modern pop culture. Depicted in every material form imaginable, his estate at Graceland remains a pilgrimage site for fans of his music. In February of 1961, at a charity luncheon and concert arranged by the record company with the Governor of Tennessee present, RCA Records presented him with a plaque commemorating the 75 million records he had sold worldwide, the first artist in history to reach this impressive milestone. Accompanying this plaque, RCA Records also gifted Elvis with an 18-karat white gold and diamond Omega wristwatch, purchased by them at Tiffany &amp; Co. The concert itself was an immense success, raising $51,612 (close to a half a million in 2018 dollars) for various charities. Sometime in 1962, the watch was exchanged by Presley to the current owner's uncle after the latter had expressed his admiration for the timepiece during a chance meeting inside a lounge at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. We are proud and thrilled to present, for auction, what once belonged to the man who simply said, in response to questions regarding his popularity, &quot;All I do is sing and dance a little.&quot; It is, without a doubt, a superb vintage timepiece with one of the most fascinating provenances to ever appear on the world auction market.
** Auction house [[w:Phillips (auctioneers)|Phillips]]'s laud of Elvis Presley on the eve of the sale, at their Geneva branch, of an historic watch given to Elvis in March of 1961 by RCA after selling the first 75 million records of his career. The auction itself took place on May 12, 2018, the watch selling for US$1.8 million, the largest sum ever paid for an Omega wristwatch.

* Get yasself a wheelbarrow load of mad hogs, run ’em through the front door, and tell ’em Phillips sentcha. This is Red Hot and Blue comin’ atcha from the magazine floor of the Hotel Chisca. And now we got somethin' new gonna cut lost, DEE-GAWWWW! cut LOOSE! Good people, this is Elvis Presley
** WHBQ DJ **[[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]],  introducing for the first time the music of the  19-year-old Elvis to the listeners of his &quot;Red, Hot &amp; Blue&quot; show in July of  1954, as recounted in Colin Escott's book, “Good Rockin’ Tonight: Sun Records and the Birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll.”

* Society, Lord Byron predicted, will eventually narrow into two tribes, “the Bores and Bored.” If so, maybe Elvis should shoulder some blame. The illusion of consensus found in the title of his 1959 collection “50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can’t Be Wrong” — a “customer is always right” moment for pop music — suggests a broad democratic crowd, immune to second-guessing. But not even Elvis would have believed that. Today, the title has been parodied so much — self-deprecatingly (Blues Traveler's “1,000,000 People Can’t Be Wrong”), hubristically (“100,000,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong”) — that whatever truth it once contained in Elvis- case is buried beneath geological layers of cynicism.
**[[w:Michael Phillips (critic)|Michael Phillips]] reviewing  the movie &quot;Phantom Thread&quot; for the Chicago Tribune in an article in which he demonizes today's nitpicking audiences and entitled ‘Star Wars‘ nitpickers, Picasso naysayers: When audiences fail artists&quot; as published by the Kaplan Herald on 20 January 2018.

* But what struck me most was his quality of genuine humility – humility mixed with intense determination. He was, innately, one of the most introverted people who had ever come into the studio, but for that reason one of the bravest, too. He reminded me of many of the great early blues singers who had come to SUN, in fact his insecurity was so markedly like that of a black person. On July 5, 1954, he sang everything he knew – pop stuff, spirituals, just a few words of [anything] he remembered. He watched me intently through the glass of the control room window – I was no longer taping, and in almost every respect this session had to be accounted a dismal failure, but still there was something. Every so often he looked up at me, as if for approval: was he doing all right? I just nodded and said &quot;You're doing just fine. Now just relax. Let me hear something that really means something to you now.&quot; Soothing, crooning, my gaze locked into his. Finally they decided to take a break. It was late, he was clearly discouraged, and everybody had to work the next day. Maybe, I thought, they ought to just give it up for the night, come back on Tuesday and try again. Scotty and Bill were sipping Cokes, not saying much of anything. I was doing something in the control room and, as Elvis explained it afterwards, &quot;this song popped into my mind that I had heard years ago, and I started kidding around with [it]. It was an up-tempo song called &quot;That's All Right, Mama&quot;, an old blues number by Arthur &quot;Big Boy&quot; Crudup. &quot;All of a sudden,&quot; said Scotty, &quot;Elvis just started singing this song, jumping around and acting the fool, and then Bill picked up his bass, and he started acting the fool, too, and I started playing with them. I think I had the door to the control booth open so I stuck my head out and said, 'What are you doing?' And they said, 'We don't know'. 'Well, back up,' I said, 'try to find a place to start, and do it again.'
** Producer [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]], on what took place at the SUN studios on July 5, 1954, the day the unusual and timeless musical talent of one Elvis Aaron Presley was discovered, as detailed by writer and Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick in an article on the Independent, published on October 30, 2015.

* I just love Elvis' singing. And I am his biggest fan
** US sopaano [[w:Marguerite Piazza|Marguerite Piazza]], in an interview with the AP, after meeting Elvis on October 1, 1957

* Forty years ago, I had the privilege of studying for a doctorate, at this same university, where you and your wife studied law and I still feel nostalgic about Harvard, about Elvis Presley, about Edgar Allan Poe, and about Martin Luther King. So I toast to you, Mr. President.
** Chile's President [[w:Sebastian Piñera|Sebastian Piñera]], toasting US President [[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], at the VIP state dinner he offered his opposite number, held at their alma mater in March of 2011, and as recounted and published by Josh Gerstein of POLITICO 44, also present at the dinner.

*  I had successfully shoved all those fantastic automobiles to the back of my mind and had curtailed ‘‘if only’s’ to a passing moment of idle retrospection until I was looking at the autographs on the Autographs Ink stand at the Memorabilia show and realised that if I had kept the cars and had the foresight to have an autograph book handy throughout my career I would be heading into the sunset with my future assured. For instance Elvis Presley. His moniker changes hands at a cool couple of grand and upwards.  In 1960 and 1961 was in a karate dojo with him  in LA and even got to do a kata or two with him at his home in Perugia Way.  And I had a morale advantage over him. He kicked me on the chest once  and was terribly apologetic. That was the time when I should have moved in on him and demanded a couple of dozen signatures. In fact, why didn't I whack a load of 10&quot; X 8&quot; in front of him and say “Sign”. LOL
** [[w:Ingrid Pitt|Ingrid Pitt]],Polish-British actress, author, and writer best known for her work in horror films of the 1960s and 1970s, in her own online page,

* Once upon a time, all we knew about Elvis was that he sang like a motherfucker; and that was all that mattered; you know, when you gas up and you go to pay inside the gas station and you hear Elvis singing Surrender, (1961), you know that the mystery of that guy, was everything; the voice, and the mystery, and the not knowing; and I think the great thing about anything that you hear over the waves is, you don't want to know too much, you know?
** [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]], lead singer of [[Led Zeppelin]], explaining to critic Rub Trucks why he loves the mystery of the southern United States, and his debt to Elvis, whose music influenced him the most, as published on the Village Voice, on June 3, 2008

* After I won my first Masters in 1961, I received an invitation telegram from Elvis.  A telegram, not as easy as a text is today. We were playing in Los Angeles and I went to the set of ‘Blue Hawaii’ where Elvis was finalizing the filming. He saw me walk in the room and yelled ‘CUT!’ The gentleman he was, Elvis went and put a jacket before he came to shake my hand. Elvis was just starting to play golf and asked for a few swing tips. He gave me a practice swing, and I swear, it was like a cow giving birth to a roll of barbwire. So, I adjusted his grip and told him he really had to use his hips during the downswing. He said, ‘Baby, you’re talking to the right man.’ And gave us all a little shake. Memories are the cushions on life, but what a gentleman he was. He was my age, yet died so young, a tragedy, a man who could give EVEN so much MORE to society.
** [[w:Gary Player|Gary Player]], a national of South Africa widely regarded as one of the best player in the history of golf, as reported by Forbes on December 4, 2018 and kansascity.com/sports/golf/article104157116.html#storylink=cpy

*  A grade schooler in western Kentucky when Elvis came on the scene, I had grown up with his music and movies. When his tragic death occurred in August of 1977, I was a young pastor in middle Tennessee. The following Sunday, my sermon was titled “Heartbreak Hotel.” That morning I shared my grief with many others. Elvis was the type of person such that many who had never seen him in person felt they knew him — personally. Some folks will declare with deep conviction that Elvis led many people astray and that he is burning in hell.  Others are just as strongly convinced that, by God's grace and a faith he sang and spoke of, he is in heaven. Daring not to judge or speculate, I can simply hope that he is in heaven. I have no answer to whether there will be concerts in heaven, but the Bible makes it clear that there will be plenty of singing.
** Steve Playl, a chaplain, columnist, college instructor and former pastor writing for the  [[w:Bristol Herald Courier|Bristol Herald Courier]], on the 43rd anniversary of Elvis death, in an article entitled &quot;A Sunday afternoon eating at Boonies and remembering Elvis&quot;, as published in the said paper's August 22, 2020 edition.

* Elvis Presley has been described variously as a baritone and a tenor. An extraordinary compass- the so-called register-, and a very wide range of vocal color have something to do with this divergence of opinion. The voice covers two octaves and a third, from the baritone low-G to the tenor high B, with an upward extension in falsetto to at least a D flat. Presley's best octave is in the middle, D-flat to D-flat, granting an extra full step up or down. Call him a high baritone. In &quot;It's'now or never&quot;, (1960), he ends it in a full voice cadence (A, G, F), that has nothing to do with the vocal devices of R&amp;B and Country. That A-note is hit right on the nose, and it is rendered less astonishing only by the number of tracks where he lands easy and accurate B-flats. Moreover, he has not been confined to one type of vocal production. In ballads and country songs he belts out full-voiced high G's and A's that an opera baritone might envy. He is a naturally assimilative stylist with a multiplicity of voices – in fact, Elvis' is an extraordinary voice, or many voices.
** [[w:Henry Pleasants (music critic)|Henry Pleasants]], in his book &quot;The Great American Popular Singers&quot; (1974)

* Growing up, Elvis Presley's quasi-gospel ballad &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot; was the first secular recording allowed inside their strict &quot;Church of God in Christ&quot; home in West Oakland, California. Ruth, Anita, Bonnie, and June were only allowed to listen to the radio on Sundays and on top of that, it had to be gospel stations. Years later, Anita, reflected on the fact that it was &quot;so unbelievable that someone like Elvis Presley could relate to the story in their song 'Fairytale' and want to record it&quot;. She thought Elvis &quot;did it beautifully and was very pleased with his version, capturing the emotion in the song&quot;, as he did. Ruth &quot;also spoke positively of Elvis's final album 'Moody Blue' and defended him against charges of any cultural appropriation&quot;
** About the [[w:Pointer Sisters|Pointer Sisters]] and their love for Elvis music, ever since they heard &quot;Crying in the chapel&quot;, a gospel song whose Elvis version their mother liked very much, following an interview with Ken Sharp, for his book &quot;Writing for Elvis&quot;.

* One of Elliott's properties is the Rail Haven Inn/Best Western. at 203 S. Glenstone Ave., which has a unique room — one that attracts travelers from out-of-state as well as locals. It's the Elvis Room — where a 21-year-old Elvis Presley stayed in 1956 after a performance at Springsfield's Shrine Mosque. As far as anyone knows, the room suffered no damage.
** Steve Pokim writing for the [[w:Springfield News Leader|Springfield News Leader]], in an article published on 13 January 2008 and entitled @Why's it so difficult for Springfield residents to book at Springfield. MO hotels?&quot;
 
*  Think of Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland-  It was once just a house, now it’s a shrine.
** [[w:Joshua Pollard|Joshua Pollard]], British archaeologist's explanation for why since the neolythic times people have commemorated homes with stone monuments, as is the case in the [[w:Avebury|Avebury]]  henge containing the world’s largest stone circle, in an article published in the New Scientist̪s 10 April 2019 edition

*  When I was a kid, we moved from Canada to the US, first to Pasadena, then to Palm Springs. This guy who lived across the street was the PS's airport manager and he really liked us, so he’d tip us off when famous people were flying in. One day, he told us Elvis Presley was flying in at 3 p.m. and if we showed up we could meet him. He let us ride with our bikes on the tarmac and then, this private plane landed, the steps came down and... there was Elvis. We ran towards him and he picked me up and swung me around, hugged my sister, signed autographs, and talked to us. Finally, one of his guys told him they had to go, but as they drove off, he rolled down his window and waved goodbye to us all the way down the road. He was so nice, really cool and it was so great to meet him and shake his hand..
** Singer [[w:Steve Poltz|Steve Poltz]], reflecting on his younger days and on songwriting, in an interview with Tom Lounges for 2ONE9, as published on November 10, 2016.

* The emergent cultural wars between Mexico and the US over rock 'n' roll, however, took a dramatic turn on 19 February 1957 when a comment gleaned from an alleged border interview with Elvis Presley appeared in Mexico's largest newspaper, &quot;Excelsior&quot;, in which the rock 'n' roll star was quoted as saying,  &quot;I'd rather kiss three black girls than a Mexican.&quot; Two days later,  a Mexican woman was quoted in the same column as saying, &quot;I'd rather kiss three dogs than one Elvis Presley.&quot; At first unnoticed by the public at large, this exchange soon unleashed a torrent of anti-Presley criticism, his records were burnt at the Zocalo, and he was denied radio airplay, all of which while sustaining  a powerful backlash against Presley and the mass media itself. Most people now dismiss the remark as completely false, some even attributing it to an act of political vengeance against him. In fact, it had been started by a high-up Mexican tycoon  who wanted to contract Presley for a private birthday party, for which he sent him a blank check to fill in as he wished. Presley, according to the story, returned the blank check, so the tycoon, extremely offended, and with the help of a top politician, invented the storyline about Elvis not liking Mexican women.
**  Herbe Pompeyo, of [[w:PolyGram|PolyGram]] Records' Mexican branch, explaining how the first of eventually four Elvis bans  (airplay in 1957, stores in  1959, theatres in 1961 and finally entrance into the country,  in late 1962),  came into being and as referenced in page 42 of the book &quot;Elvis Refried&quot; by Eric Zolev.  The tycoon's identity has yet to be disclosed but the  politician was thought to have been the 3 term  Mayor of Mexico City, Ernesto P Uruchurtu, &quot;The Iron Regent&quot;, as he was called, who was in turn the nephew of Senator Manuel Uruchurtu Ramírez,  who later gained international notoriety for being  Mexico's only passenger at the RMS  [[w:Titanic|Titanic]].

* Once a year Parkes, a sleepy mining town in rural Australia, explodes into colour and song hosting a five-day festival and extravaganza to celebrate Elvis Presley, now billed as the southern hemisphere’s biggest tribute to the superstar. The town’s transformation extends beyond this year’s Parkes Elvis Festival generating A$13 million (US$9.3 million) for the local economy as more than 27,000 people visited to attend some 200 themed events. &quot;It’s helped the whole economy&quot;, noted Parkes Motel owner Andrew Porter of the frenzied growth in tourists. The New South Wales state government is projecting an injection of Aus $43 million (US̩30.6 million) into the wider region surrounding Parkes this year due to the festival, a much-needed source of income amid a severe drought as the event has helped develop Parkes' service economy – and its numbers.  This extends to the sporting field with another regular fixture – a rugby game – featuring teams with players wearing copies of his trademark white jumpsuit. The population has increased by four percent to around 12,000 in the past decade, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in sharp contrast to the declining or static trend in other regional and rural towns. Inspired by the Parked Elvis Festival huge  success, other small towns have started their own events such as the [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]Festival in nearby Trundle and the [[w:Bob Marley|Bob Marley]] Festival in Kandos, said University of Wollongong Human Geography expert Chris Gibson, who has compiled a database of some 2,800 festivals across the country...
** Andy Porter and Chris Gibson,  as interviewed  for the {{w|Free Malaysia Today}}, on the impact of the Elvis Parkes, Australia yearly Festival, as noted on their January 24, 2019 edition in an article entitled ̊&quot;All shook up: How Elvis keeps Aussie outback town alive&quot;

* Steve Sholes, who produced the session, said, “Roll the tape.” And I said, “But I haven't heard the song yet!” And he said, “Roll the tape, Bill!” and I look and the studio is totally black out there. I can't see a thing. I said, “You're kidding!” He said, “No, roll the tape!”. So, I roll the tape and I don't know what's going to happen. And a guitar starts off, and then a bass comes in, and Elvis starts singing. And I still can't see a thing in the studio. And I'm afraid to turn any mikes off because somebody may come in and start playing. All of a sudden, Elvis stops singing and just starts talking. And I say to myself, “This is awful!” because you don't normally put a lot of echo on dialogue. And I thought, next take I'll just turn it down, so we just did the take all the way through. If you listen to the dialogue, the echo matches the effect, because he says, “And the stage is bare, and I'm standing there…”. Later, I said, “How about that echo?”. Sholes said, “Screw the echo, that's a hit!”. And it was done in one take...
** [[w:Bill Porter (sound engineer)|Bill Porter]], RCA`s foremost recording engineer and one of the creators of &quot;The Nashville Sound&quot;, explaining to Michael Fermer how &quot;Are you lonesome tonight&quot; (1960) came into being, with the lights totally turned off, at Elvis´ insistence so as to create the best atmosphere possible, but without Porter knowing about it. (Published in MusicAngle.com)

* This was a white kid in the 1950s going on Beale Street, learning from masters of black music like Roy Hamilton, Jackie Wilson and others. He was different, interesting, but not something you felt the magnitude of at first – not until you heard Dewey Phillips playing 'That's All Right' on [his radio show] 'Red, Hot &amp; Blue'. Hearing what he was doing, singing black music with a confidence and a uniqueness, made me and other African-American talents say, 'This guy has something'. And he did! We felt that maybe he was opening up a market that had been not fully opening up to black music, breaking down barriers to a greater appreciation of what black music truly was. That opened up more doors for artists like Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Fats Domino, Brook Benton and so many others. We felt that maybe he was opening up a market that had been not fully opening up to black music, breaking down barriers to a greater appreciation of what black music truly was. That opened up more doors for artists like Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Fats Domino, Brook Benton and so many others. He was soulfully expressing the songs with an r'n'b flair, showing what black music was through his perspective.  What Elvis did for me was cement in my mind the great potential reach of r'n'b and soul music. The credibility that he bought to it, whether he viewed it that way or not, doesn't matter, because this was the net result. What Elvis did for me was cement in my mind the great potential reach of r'n'b and soul music. The credibility that he bought to it, whether he viewed it that way or not, doesn't matter, because this was the net result.This documentary gives the complete picture of the person, his greatness, some of his secrets, some of his ups, some of his downs and an abundance of his power. And people would love to  see how much of a production role Elvis had in the music that he made.
**[[w:David Porter (musician)|David Porter]], African American record producer, songwriter, singer, entrepreneur and philanthropist, speaking about the documentary &quot;Elvis The Searcher&quot;, an HBO 2018 production.

* I think Elvis was just a beautiful singer He had the swag. He had the sauce.
** Rapper Post Malo[[w:ne|Post Malone]], in an interview with Spin, published on 20 November 2017

* The 21st century is beginning to see (and hear) things differently, though, and many of us now take a broader view of Caruso's art and achievement (and thus) when  Ben Watt compares  the great tenor with Elvis Presley is a sign of more enlightened times. The digital age gives us unfettered access to the whole of music, unfiltered by snobbery and tradition, and perhaps Caruso can be released from the stale old classical ghetto. In his time, he was indeed as good as Elvis.
** [[w:John Potter (musician)|John Potter]], UK  tenor and academic, as published  on Highbrow magazine  on 26 August 2019 in an article entitled  &quot;As Hip as Elvis: Caruso the Pop Idol&quot;

* I'm customized to do everything I shouldn't do, I've learned all that I know by stubbornness and (the) blue I got my schooling more or less on the street, My eyes have seen a thing or two. And though my heart has made me weary,I like everything about you, yes I do, yes I do, yes I do, yes. I like the way you look, the way that you talk I like the way that you move when you walk, My mind is set on you,My pelvis is on fire And I can't shake it off
** [[w:Michael Poulsen|Michael Poulsen]]'s 2019  song dedicated to Elvis Presley,  as  noted in an article published on Loudwire's July 26, 2019 edition.

* Elvis was a (Gospel) singer par excellence. On &quot;Milky White Way&quot;, (1960), he' got the strength of a bassman and the sweetness of a tenor. The heritage we have in Elvis' gospel music is a gift to the world.
** Paul Poulton, as published in &quot;Cross Rhythms&quot; magazine {{fix cite}}

* There was a real threat of danger, a cold war with an iron curtain and there was a Soviet army stacked up on the other side, so those were serious times. He was just another soldier, he was Elvis Presley but at the same time they assigned him in accordance with the needs of the service and unlike others who have gone in the military from celebrity life and essentially used their talents to entertain troops, he was a scout. Despite living in a house &quot;off post&quot;, when it came to the field Elvis Presley was not a celebrity and I think his fellow soldiers respected him for his dedication even though he was as famous as he was. When I met him, he was out in the field and he was recognized for his professional performance in the Third Division which I, interestingly, subsequently commanded 28 years later and it occupied the shallowest part of NATO battle front. Elvis' unit and my unit were in that division and we had the toughest job and it was a time of heightened tension. Anyway, we were in this wooded area and I was driving along in my jeep and somebody noted that, there he was. When I walked over to him he saluted and was very proper and what struck me was that he looked just like another GI. Other than the fact that he was REALLY Elvis Presley, he acted, and I saw him, as just another soldier, in the woods, kind of dirty, doing a job...&quot;
** General [[w:Colin Powell|Colin Powell]], former Chairman of the US Joint Chief of Staff and Secretary of State, abridged from his autobiography My American Journey and a BBC interview, in 2005.

* The Denver Zoo hopes that 11-year-old polar bear, Cranbeary may be expecting. But to be sure, staff sent a sample of her poop to an expert at predicting polar bear pregnancies – Elvis, a beagle working with the Cincinnati Zoo. It is nearly impossible to determine if polar bears are pregnant through traditional tests, so zoos are trying this new approach. Denver Zoo is one of 17 zoos with possibly-pregnant polar bears that have gathered up samples for Elvis to examine. Elvis has a 97 percent success rate in determining polar bear pregnancy and we are anxiously waiting to find out if Cranbeary the polar bear might become a momma bear this year!
** Erin Powell and  Kyle Clark, reporting for [[w:KUSA (TV)|NBC's Channel 9  News]] on the extraordinary power to confirm polar bears' pregnancies of a  dog named after Elvis, as aired on October 26, 2018.

* As to Elvis, some experts believe that the release of music he did not approve in life can reward his fans, but at the same time could end up hurting his legacy over the long term. While alive, he almost always only released music he thought was great but after his death, many of the songs he thought were not, were released on new albums. This is one reason many artists prefer to keep their material under wraps forever.
** PPCORN, in an article entitled &quot;From Amy Winehouse to the Beatles: Six Controversies Over Posthumous Albums&quot;, as published on February 6, 2018.

* When you got the last name Presley everybody's gonna get the question, are you related to Elvis? Well, my granddaddy and Elvis' granddaddy where brothers. In fact mine carried Elvis and Gladys down to visit Vernon, his daddy, at the state penitentiary, when he did a little time for altering a check
** {{w|Brandon Presley}}, Elvis second cousin, born on the same year of Elvis' death, Mayor of Nettleton, MS, and its Public Service Commissioner for Northern Mississippi, in an article published at the Washington Examiner on August 26, 2018

*I would continue to do the Elvis Presley show because it is something that's been in my life for years and I won't let it down,
** Elvis D. Presley, the [[w:Libertarian Party (United States)|Libertarian Party]]' candidate for Arkansas' 1st Congressional District in the U.S. House's  2018 elections, in an article published on The Daily Dot̪s November 3, 2018 edition.

* It hit home when I turned 42 as that was the age when my father died. I have moments when I wish he had lived to see my children, and I speak to my little ones about him. I tell them who he was and we all love his music.
** {{w|Lisa Marie Presley}}, wishing her children Danielle, Benjamin, Harper and Finley had met her dad, in an interview with Leah Simpson of Digital Spy, and published on 17 October of 2012

* i) I still find myself captivated by many of Elvis's songs, his style of translating lyrics with music giving the listener the sense that even though he's singing, he's speaking his feelings and living them throughout the song. When I listen to “Don’t,” which he recorded when he was only 22-years-old, I can't imagine anyone else singing this heartfelt song with such an emotional connection to the words. ii)his taste was so diverse. Yes, country, rhythm and blues, black music,  but he also loved opera and Bach and Brahms. By setting his vocals in a pop-classical context, I wanted to expose him in a way that he never had the opportunity to — wanted to, but never was able to...
** {{w|Priscilla Presley}}, explaining her decision to produce the two albums which dovetail Elvis voice with the sound of Royal Philarmonica-

* I never saw a guitar player that was worth a damn...
** {{w|Vernon Presley}},'s retort to his son the moment he found out he had SERIOUSLY decided to pursue a life in music, in an interview for &quot;Elvis on Tour&quot;, in 1972.

* Elvis laughed, cried, worried about people. He had a generous streak as long as the mighty Mississippi and delighted in being able to help people. He could be angry, funny, sad or happy, just like everyone else. He had all these little traits just like other people, but he was a lot more too. He became a part of our lives and even with his closely guarded privacy, he drew us into his life so willingly and lovingly that he was, in fact, a part of each and every one of us. He made us sing because of his songs, he made us cry at every pain, either mental or physical that he bore, he made us laugh at every little grin he gave, but most of all, he made us love because he gave us love. He gave us himself and asked us for nothing in return.
** [[w:Vester Presley|Vester Presley]], Elvis' uncle, in his book &quot;A Presley speaks&quot;.

* I was about 10 years old, the first time I heard Elvis Presley's voice, pouring from my father's car radio, in East St. Louis, Illinois; I can't recall the song, whether it was a ballad or a rocker (but), what I remember is how his voice, that smoldering rumble of a voice, made my skin tingle; I don't know why, but I just loved his voice, his sound just did something to me.
** Ilva Price, an African American now living in West Memphis, TN, recalling how her father, angry about rumours (later found by &quot;Jet&quot; magazine to be fabricated), that Presley had stolen their music and was a racist, quickly turned off the radio when he noticed her daughter's reaction to his voice, then called him a &quot;cracker&quot;, a racial epithet as disgusting as any other, as told in an interview with Boston Globe staffer Renee Graham, and published in that paper on August 11, 2002

* Elvis recorded “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” and, at every show, he played it. The Beatles, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Fats Domino, James Brown —all the big acts who have ever recorded rock ‘n’ roll at one time recorded it. It was the first rock ‘n’ roll song that made me a teenage idol with both blacks and whites. In 1952, it was called race music. What opened the gate here in America for race music was that generation of young white boys and girls, but when Elvis got in, he opened the door that much wider. In fact, all the chords are the same, they're not black and white, unless it's on paper. The music and melodies never change.
** [[w:Lloyd Price|Lloyd Price]], discussing Elvis in Sumdumhonky: Chatting With Lloyd Price, for tyhe Huffington Post on 08/26/2015.

* He was breathtaking, really, it was very difficult to focus..
** [[w:Pat Priest (actress)|Pat Priest]]'s answer to the question of how hard it was to play a movie scene with Elvis, as told in a retrospective of his motion picture career,  held at Graceland in August of 2017.

* i) I realize I'm part of a musical history and I revere the legacy of my predecessors, so, for instance, when playing live I'll do some of their bombs, or say, we play &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; as a tribute to Elvis. So why Elvis you ask? Well, I was brought up in a black and white world. I dig black and white; night and day, rich and poor, man and woman. I listen to all kinds of music and I want to be judged on the quality of my work, not on what I say, nor on what people claim I am, nor on the color of my skin. ii) I met Elvis Presley at the Dick Clark show at Circus Circus in Las Vegas, a place where a great musical extravaganza with some of the greatest artists of the day always would appear. We were sitting in the audience and Jackie Wilson had just finished his set and then  Dick Clark came out, but before he introduced the next act he wanted to announce someone special had arrived, &quot;Ladies and Gentlemen&quot; The lights went down and all of a sudden spotlights went to the back of the room. I looked around and it was Elvis, He was looking cool and wearing shades. He snatched his shades off as if saying &quot;Hello Everybody!, then came walking down the aisle to his table and he saw Louise, stopped said &quot;Hi Louise. Hi Nikki&quot; and they started talking. I stood up and he said &quot;Hi.&quot; I said &quot;Hi, I'm Pepe. It's nice to meet you.&quot; I shook his hand. He said something else to Louise, and then said &quot;See you later&quot; and went to his table. By the time I was in Las Vegas, I had already met tons of celebrities-- Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells, Dionne Warwick and Wayne Newton. I also met Ike and Tina Turner. I drank champagne with Adam Clayton Powell and I met Redd Foxx but, when I saw Elvis, I said, now that man's a star. It was a different kind of thing.&quot;
** [[w:Prince|Prince]], answering a reporter on why would he cite Elvis Presley as one of his influences, from an interview with &quot;Guitar World&quot;, published in October of 1998.ii) about [[w:Prince|Prince]]'s former mentor, Pepe Willie, talking in a phone interview on May 12, 2013

* The Prince de Galles has counted among its guests Winston Churchill, Marlene Dietrich Elvis Presley and  Pele to name but a few of the long list. It is located in Avenue George V, and it's the eastern neighbour of the Hotel George V. – named after the King of England, who, as we all know, was the father of the Prince of Wales.  The two hotels, however, bear no family relationship...
** [[w:Hôtel Prince de Galles|Hôtel Prince de Galles]]'s description in the Library of Hospitalities' main publication,  entitled the World̪s Greatest Hotels, in famoushotelsorg.

* ( That night) after eleven o'clock, Tony Prince took over on ( Radio) Luxembourg. Dazed, frequently in tears, just quietly playing Elvis records and reminiscing into the small hours, as long as it took him to negotiate his grief. The world stopped for a little while. Not long afterwards, it was time for me to return to school, for the start of my third year, when we were supposed to start taking this education thing seriously. There was some gentle mocking on the part of my classroom peers over Elvis' passing, and it struck me that, for nearly everyone my age (or so it seemed), Elvis didn't speak for them, or to them. It's fair to say that the girls in my class tended to like Abba, Boney M, ELO and David Soul, whereas the boys went for Genesis, Queen, AC/DC and Rush. Elvis was somebody your parents liked, regarded as something of a square. I am not sure whether any of these artists came close to sniffing Elvis shoes, never mind filling them, and in any case nor could they have done; as only Elvis could have unbolted the door, made the impact on life – not just on music – that he did. If the postwar generation wanted to burn, not just forget, “the war,” and not grow up as robotic replicas of their parents, Elvis was the active agent who forced newness through to that society.&quot; ii) When in 1972, I was made president of the Elvis Presley fan club, we took 200 fans to Vegas to see him. Parker invited 11 of us down to the dressing room and suddenly there he was, leaning against the wall. He had a black suit on, and the first thing that hit you was how handsome the guy was. He came over and was very polite, and I started to interview him for my show, The following year I went back, taking my programme director Ken Evans with me. Elvis was one of the few stars Ken had never met. To return the favour, when we arrived in LA, he took my wife Christine and I to spend an afternoon with Mae West. She gave us some carrot cake and tea. Elvis yesterday, Mae West today. We were buzzing! Tony Prince for the Guardian, published on 4 December 2016. Unquote
** i) About Radio Luxemburg's [[w:Tony Prince|Tony Prince]]' reaction to Elvis´ death ii) Tony Prince, for the Guardian, published on 4 December 2016.

* My Fellowship took me to the USA and UK looking at local history – my research problem was to ask where will the next generation of volunteers come from to manage our historical societies – what programs have been successfulin “firing up” a passion for local history? From there, it took me to historical societies scattered amongst the “knee high by the 4th of July” corn fields of Indiana, to Nashville where the American headquarters of local history sits between the Civil War and Elvis Presley, to Illinois, to Washington, to Troy in New York State, New York City, London and finally Norfolk. It was a brilliant mix of the “grass roots” to the more established; from country societies to more urban;from entirely volunteer run, to historical societies with eighty staff; from the “can do”culture in the USA, to well funded from the Heritage Lotter and , policy driven programs in the UK.
** Kate Prinsley, from the Association of Victoria (CFAV),in Australia, recalling her time in the United States as the 2009 [[w:Churchill Fellowship|Churchill Fellow]].
 
* He was good. I mean, all the girls liked him, and there is a film of that performance, somewhere.
**  David Pristash, author of &quot;Diary of a Special Forces Trooper in Vietnam, 1967,&quot; recalling for Brian Albrecht of  &quot;The Plain Dealer&quot; the time he saw the then relatively unknown Elvis perform  at his alma mater, the [[w:Brooklyn High School (Ohio)|Brooklyn High School]], near Cleveland, in an article entitled &quot;John Wayne, Elvis and ‘The Deer Hunter: A Green Beret’s Vietnam service was nothing like the movie&quot; and as published in their January 20, 2019 edition.

* My biggest influence because of his charisma and sheer, pure talent was Elvis Presley. He still influences me today, actually, and with the help of the internet I can watch videos of him performing live anytime I want.
** Canadian Country Music artist [[w:Aaron Pritchett|Aaron Pritchett]], when asked who were his early musical heroes and what inspires him, currently, as published on the 15 January, 2015 online edition on 24Hrs, Vancouver,

* He was in Miss Scriverner's home room with me. She was always bragging about how he would make it big one day. When he won the talent show singing “Old Shep”, she went on and on about it for days. Little did we all know that what she predicted for Elvis would come true in such a huge way.
** Mary Ann Props, [[w:Humes High School|Humes High School]], Class of 1953, recalling their home teacher predictions.

* I dont think as far a screen image is concerned, there is no one like him
** [[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]] in an intervbiew in connexion with the 1993 Elvis stanp.

* Elvis had the biggest impact on me, he captured and embodied the whole thing. He had that rockabilly, rock and roll, pop and ballad thing. He was all wrapped up into one for me. I loved listening to “Heartbreak Hotel” and “Don’t Be Cruel,” and I just looked forward to each and every new song that came out.”
** [[w:Gary Puckett|Gary Puckett]] lead  singer of the Union Gap, explaining to interviewer Rob Nagy, how Presley struck a musical chord for him, early in his career, as published by &quot;The Mercury&quot;, on September 8, 2014

* He had gone through the divorce with Priscilla, but he was definitely there to work. And this guy could do anything vocally. He could croon with Sinatra or scream with Little Richard. And what (I) admired the most about Presley -- then and now -- was his intelligence. especially when it came to human emotions.
** [[w:Norbert Putman|Norbert Putman]], speaking to the Houston Press, on what it meant to play bass with Presley at his 1974 Stax Studous sessions, in Memphis, as published on August 1, 2013.

== Q ==
* The greatest voice of all time.
** &quot;Q&quot; magazine judging panel´s laud of Elvis Presley, from a poll published on their March 4, 2007 issue.

* My own musical ambitions were born when I was five, watching the Ed Sullivan Show on TV. When Elvis Presley burst on to the screen, singing 'Don't Be Cruel,' I felt my first sexual thrill, though I didn't know what it was at the time.
** [[w:Suzi Quatro|Suzi Quatro]], as noted by brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley.html

== R ==
* Based on our company's recent growth, his items have resonated with shoppers, with overall sales in the previous 52-week period ending January 22, 2017 advancing 26% as a result of sale of products bearing his name alone. His is one of the fastest-growing segments in the beauty industry.
** [[w:David Raccuglia|David Raccuglia]], founder and CEO of American Crew, a subsidiary of Revlon, the US top seller in the men's grooming business, explaining the effect Presley products are having in his company's successes and as told in a WWD article on March 31, 2017

* When I was riding the bus to school every morning, I would usually see Elvis sitting at the corner of Alabama and Poplar, listening to a black man in a chair playing a guitar. He wanted to play and sing like that man. He was a country boy with big dreams. After he became famous he did something to thank every person who ever helped him in any way.
** [[w:Mattie Rainey|Mattie Rainey]], Humes High School Class of 1953, on Elvis interest for the blues.

* At age 25, Lennon wrote “Run For You Life,” a jealous, immature rant inspired by Elvis Presley's recording of Arthur Gunter's “Baby, Let’s Play House,” a song written from the perspective of a spurned lover who wants his former girlfriend with college aspirations to return to him. Elvis performed it live with hips a-thrusting, leaving little doubt as to what he had in mind by “house play.” In the last verse Elvis delivers this dire warning: “Now listen to me, baby, try to understand, I’d rather see you dead little girl than to be with another man.” Lennon's song picks up where “Baby, Let’s Play House” finishes, Most disturbingly, at the end of the song Lennon emphasizes his seriousness: “Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I’ve said; baby, I’m determined and I’d rather see you dead.
** [[w:Joe Raiola|Joe Raiola]], Senior Editor, MAD magazine, as published in The Huffington Post on 10 October 2016

* The 2018 Pohottuwa Party victory is a [[w:Mahinda Rajapaksa|Mahinda Rajapaksa]] victory. At all election rallies, the former President was cheered like mad when he arrived on the platform. It reminded me of Elvis Presley, who was virulently hated and deeply loved in equal proportions throughout his career. But Elvis did not care, he continued singing.
** About [[w:Mahinda Rajapaksa|Mahinda Rajapaksa]], former Sri Lankan President, in an article written by Kamalika Pieris and published at the Lankaweb on 30 March, 2018

* I grew up playing sports and listening to Elvis Presley, whose music I favored; in fact, when an opera singer came on the &quot;Ed Sullivan Show&quot;, I'd think 'Turn this off,'&quot;
** [[w:Samuel Ramey|Samuel Ramey]], the world's top bass baritone, as told to &quot;Opera News&quot;, and published in ENotes.Com

* My favourite artists have always been Elvis and The Beatles and they still are!
** [[w:Johnny Ramone|Johnny Ramone]]'s preferences as far as rock music is concerned,as reported in Far Out's January 17,  2022 edition from an 2003 intervew.   

* A singer, at work, is usually thinking only about making it through the song without flubbing it. Look what's involved: breathing plausibly, remembering the lyrics, nailing the high notes, staying with your band or chorus, maintaining a soulful facial expression and looking good. You might also be whacking a guitar. And -- because Presley did -- you also have to move, oscillate, arm-wrestle with the microphone, throttle it, skid across the stage on your knees, fling your head back and spread your arms; and then you want to salt it with what you possess of art...he flings his voice up beyond the grip of gravity, and then surrenders, like a skater in a leap.
** Catherine Rankovic, poet, essayist, instructor, as well as manuscript editor and music and writing coach, as excerpted from her review of Presley`s live performance of &quot;I want you, I need you, I love you&quot;, in the &quot;Steve Allen Show&quot;, (1956), and as published in &quot;The Missouri Review&quot;, Volume XXIV, Number 2, 2001

* Musicians like Elvis Presley and Whitney Houston were strongly rooted in gospel music and in the same vein, many musicians of Christian faith begin their musical journey young. In fact, lessons and performances take place in and around the church.
** Hindu writer [[w:Chatura Rao|Chatura Rao]], discussing Gospel music being a gateway for young professional musicians in her country, over the years, in an article published by The Hindu on 21 December 2017.

* I would have loved to sing a duet with my childhood idols, Elvis and Piaf. And I will soon, thanks to new technology
** [[w:Raphael|Raphael]] in an interview with Europa Press, on 06/10/2014

* I've always said I wish my life could be like an Elvis movie, say &quot;Roustabout and &quot;King Creole. And that if &quot;Cold Case&quot; came back today, and we could could reunite, that we somehow were able to discover that Elvis is still alive.
** [[w:Jeremy Ratchford|Jeremy Ratchford]] in an interview with the Standard, answering what could be different if CBS's [[w:Cold Case|Cold Case]],in which he starred, came back in 2018, as published on 27 July 2018.

* i) In the early 1950's I DJ'ed in a radio program called &quot;Hillbilly Bandwagon&quot;. This was before country music was called country music. So, one day, a guy walks in by the name of Elvis Presley. This was before he was really famous, age 19, I guess. He had come to plug his records at our station, so I had a brief conversation with him. Of course, I was always very proud to have met him, but my wife when I told the story too often, she finally looked at me, smiled as only a wife can smile, and said &quot;I can beat that, HOG....&quot;&quot;, That is how she calls me when she is going to tell me something awesome, and that was when I found out my wife had dated Elvis when she was 16 years old. And now she never ceases to remind me, you know, that if things had gone differently, Elvis Presley would be alive today and anchoring the CBS News ii) Fidel Castro could have been Cuba's Elvis.
** [[w:Dan Rather|Dan Rather]] i) in an 1994 interview with David Letterman and ii) in Townhall, published on the day after Castro's passing.

* We don’t mail Elvis a Social Security check, no matter how many people think he is alive.
** [[w:Jonathan Rauch|Jonathan Rauch]], author and activist, in a 2017 essay for National Review entitled “The Constitution of Knowledge, as published in the News Tribune on October 14th, 2018

* When I think about my family, I listen to André Rieu, a violinist and conductor who is very popular in Europe ( but), when I think about living like it’s my last day on earth, I listen to Elvis Presley
** Gabriele Rausse, Director of Gardens and Grounds at Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s former home and experimental farm in Charlottesville, Va, in an interview to the New York Times and published in the paper's Sunday Review on March 14, 2015.

* I’m inclined to sympathize with Presley in the controversy he’s stirred up. He’s accused of inciting juvenile delinquents. That’s ridiculous. You can’t tie a delinquent kid to a hit record by Presley. Charges against him are unfounded, unfair, and bigoted. People resent his success. He’ll be around a lot longer than most of them think. And his records have stimulated a controversy that’s helped the whole record industry—we have Elvis to thank.”
** [[w:Johnnie Ray|Johnnie Ray]], in an interview in Germany, later published by Variety on its August 21, 1957, issue.

* My mom ans her sisters sang in churches and in 1956 there was an Elvis  tour in Arkansas and he asked them to sing back-up for him.  Unreal..... 
** [[w:Collin Raye|Collin Raye]], recalling  the time when her mother sang for Elvis in Arkansas, in 1956, as told in  Center Stage with the stars, Episode 1, on youtube 

* Historically famous as the birthplace of Elvis, the small northeastern Mississippi city of Tupelo is now also known as an amazing place to live. Forming a triangle with Memphis and Nashville, Tupelo shares a lot of similarities with the two booming cities – including an incredible musical scene, culinary hot spots, and rich history – but unlike its two unchecked growth neighbors to the north, Tupelo has retained all of its character, charm, and, happily, low prices.
** [[w:Reader's Digest|Reader's Digest]]'s laud of Tupelo, MS which the magazine listed as one of the “15 Best Places to Move to in the U.S. (Before They Get Too Crowded),” in an article penned by Melissa Klurman as part of its October 2018 US edition.

* He epitomized America and for that we shall eternally be grateful. There will never be anyone else like him, so lets just rejoice with his music.
** Former California Governor [[w:Ronald Reagan|Ronald Reagan]], in a 1977 speech, as published in 'http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* One Friday night, Tapp and the &quot;Hee Haw&quot; honchos were flying to Hollywood, with the flight stopping in Memphis. So they were sitting in first class, taking up almost all the seats and on came Elvis Presley with his entourage including Col. Parker, with Tapp now sitting beside Presley. He sat across from them, kept looking and finally said, ‘Why do I know you? Is it from on a show?” Presley told Tapp. Yes, Tapp said, It is &quot;&quot;Hee Haw&quot;. “You hear that?? They’re from Hee Haw!!!!” the King told his court. “We stop our show everyday until Hee Haw’s over, then we proceed,” Presley said. “It was quite a compliment,” Tapp said, smiling.
** James Reany, recalling [[w:Gordie Tapp|Gordie Tapp]]'s encounter with Elvis Presley. Tapp was a Canadian producer, entertainer, and better known as the writer of the television program &quot;Hee Haw&quot;, as published in IFP Press, on 9 September 2016.

* The 146.5 million cumulative RIAA Album Awards, spanning 101 separate Gold (or higher) albums, makes Elvis the earner of the most Gold and Platinum Album Awards of any artist in the history of the RIAA
** The [[w:Recording Industry Association of America|Recording Industry Association of America]]'s laud of Elvis Presley as detailed in an article published on its official page and entitled &quot;Gold &amp; Platinum Turns 60, 1958-2018&quot;

*  I'd already discovered black music with Big Jay McNeely at the Blue Sax in North Hollywood and made the blues-jazz connections, so I wanted to experience this Elvis thing. He was a support act to Freddy Martin at the Frontier, a fancy supper club that we couldn't afford. So I persuaded the guys to pool cash and we came up with $10, then charmed a waitress to let us dine on rolls while we watched the show. From the moment Presley started with “Hound Dog”, I was a convert. It was electrifying, a validation, to see these stuffed-shirt socialites who'd come to see Freddy Martin clamp up in reverence. I thought, Hey, a kid with nothing, from nowheresville, can do this!”
** [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]], as told to author Michael Feeney Callan  in the 2020 bio entitled Robert Redfoird a biography&quot;

*  Channeling our inner Elvis with some help from the best in the business. What a night . 
** [[w:Jamie Redknapp|Jamie Redknapp]]'s 13 April 2022 message to television viewers for an episode of UK's A league of our own. 

* There's something a little unsettling, a little frightening, about the best and earliest music recorded by Elvis Presley. I'm thinking about the magical and mystical Sun Records recordings from 1954 and 1955, about the obviously haunting &quot;Blue Moon&quot; and about the lonely, lonely &quot;Tomorrow Night&quot;, but I'm also thinking about the more upbeat &quot;Mystery Train&quot; whose haunted history reaches back to Junior Parker, the Carter Family, and deep into the haunted places of American music, both black and white. The music is spare, almost hollow. Elvis's voice is at once both youthful and ancient, exuberant and lost, its echo like a shadow cast upon the ages.
** Gregory L.Reece, reviewing 'The Land of Grace' a novel by Mike Burrell for [[w:PopMatters|PopMatters]], as published on September 12, 2018.

* In 1958 at the age of 17 Otis started his professional singing career, briefly touring with the “Pat Tea Cake” band before forming his own band, “The Pinetoppers” in 1959, with well known Macon guitarist Johnny Jenkins. The Pinetoppers performed Elvis songs and country music songs in the Macon area. They also toured on the “Chitlin’ circuit,&quot; a network of black nightclubs throughout the Southeast and the white frat house circuit across the Deep South.
** From blackpastorg's biography of [[w:Otis Redding|Otis Redding]]

* In 1968, he moved into Las Vegas quickly. He bought a piece of land across from the Flamingo Hotel. It was 80 acreHe was originally the landlord for that property, and he made millions on that deal. He then shortly thereafter bought an off-strip property, the first one that had ever been done.That’s where the International Hotel was built. It was a very, very expensive property at the time, it was off-strip. The first two people to appear in the show room there were Barbara Streisand and Elvis Presley and  that was the beginning of Kirk Kerkorian’s ascension as the largest power broker in Las Vegas. 
** Nevada Senator [[w:Harry Reed|Harry Reed]], at the floor of the US Senate on the death of Las Vegas resident and mega resort builder [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]], in an eulogy delivered on June 16, 2016

* The first time I met him I was blown away, I just looked at him and said, 'damn, you about the best looking thing I ever did see, kinda wish I was a girl right now, Elvis.
** [[w:Jerry Reed|Jerry Reed]], as noted in theelevisexpress

* He did have talent, that excitement. We knew the effect he had on future singers and players. I ran out and bought a guitar after I saw him.
** [[w:Lou Reed|Lou Reed]], guitarist, vocalist, and principal songwriter of the rock band the [[w:Velvet Underground|Velvet Underground]], as noted on elvis-express.com/ology_home.html

*  A  decision to get vaccinated isn’t made by each of us, individually, looking at available information and making a choice for ourselves. In other words, it’s not necessarily about the evidence. It’s about something bigger. People tend to respond to community norms. If we think about it, it’s somewhat logical. We tend to look to people who we think are either similar to us or who share our beliefs. There have been previous public health campaigns, for instance, that provided information from  breast cancer to polio. In fact, in a more unified era, giving Elvis Presley his polio vaccine during a staged photo op attempted the same feat.
** [[w:Jennifer Reich|Jennifer Reich]], Professor of Sociology at the [[w:University of Colorado|University of Colorado]] in Denver, commenting  on why people refuse to take the COVID vaccine in an article entitled &quot;Colorado is betting big on vaccine influencers. It’s unclear if people will “like” their message&quot; as published in the Colorado Sun September 1, 2021 edition

* I am a big fan of Elvis music. He shaped the future of rock and roll and I would take my daughter and my mum who is 85 and lots more family and friends to Graceland. It would be a great trip
** [[w:Peter Reid|Peter Reid]], English soccer coach and former player, in an interview with Jet Party-s Roadshow which included a question and answers session about his favourite places to travel to.

* Then, like Alice through the looking glass, I stepped through a door still bearing a desiccated Christmas wreath, and that's when everything got awesome. Graceland's formal rooms are all white carpet and gold trimmings and mirrors. With its hide-covered furniture and lamps hanging from chains and vines draping a stone wall, the Jungle Room did not disappoint, but downstairs was the real action: a room with three televisions embedded in the walls, a sectional sofa with sequin-bedecked pillows, a mirror-topped coffee table bearing a bizarre porcelain creature of indeterminate origin gazing toward the door, and a billiards room with walls and ceiling entirely upholstered in pleated floral fabric that might have been fashioned by a seamstress on mushrooms. Somehow it felt like more than checking off an item on a bucket list. Maybe it had something to do with a dawning sense that I was moving past the delayed gratifications of motherhood, past the time of putting off what I wanted to do. Or maybe it had something to do with coming full circle, of making a vow just as our marriage was beginning and finally seeing it through just as we were on the verge of being alone again. Mirror after mirror, there I was, right in the heart of Graceland: smiling and smiling and smiling. Unquote
** Margaret Renkl, for the NYT, in an article published on January 6, 2018 and entitled, &quot;Graceland at last&quot; where the editor of Chapter 16, a publication of Humanities Tennessee. tells the story of the many times she missed going to Graceland even when she was in Memphis visiting her sons.

* In the mid-60s, when Elvis was making those godawful movies and my friends and I were buying albums by the Stones and the Yardbirds, a mate and I would always go to see Elvis on the big screen; we knew the formula and always used to laugh about them afterwards, but what I also remember is what used to happen in the cinema: not long after the opening credits the audience would start talking and laughing through the dialogue – but the second Elvis sang everyone would stop and listen; Elvis' voice had that effect, even when he was considered as a joke by a generation grown up on tougher music and rock musicians who seemed much more rebellious, dangerous and innovative; so, for me, it has always been about the music and even when he was all but lost to us, in those final years, you can still hear that raw passion flare up; and I defy anyone, knowing that he had just separated from his wife and was heartbroken, to listen to &quot;Always on my Mind&quot; and &quot;Fool&quot;, and not be moved; you can hear a man whose heart is breaking; listening to the best of his music, whether it be raw rock'n'roll or those genuinely heart aching ballads, confirms for me that Elvis has never left the building.
** New Zealand Herald's columnist and writer Graham Reid, on his recent visit to Graceland, as published at KIWIBOOMERS.COM

* Take a track like &quot;One Sided Love Affair&quot;(1956), and really examine every nuance of his voice, every caress, every tease and every growl that he lets loose for the song's duration, and you`ll you come to understand that the reason Presley's voice has been so often imitated is because it was unique and, furthermore, fuckin' great; no phony piano intro, not even a puerile lyric could have ever stopped him from turning this song into a real classic; imagine, then, how great it is when Elvis gets to sing material that is up to his standards — like on the Sun Records label song &quot;Tryin' To Get You&quot; (1955) - , probably the bluesiest song on this record, where Presley shows a sense of determination, not just a combination of nobleness and sex, but an expression of guts as well; quite simply, this is a guy who knows what he wants, and knows he's gonna get it, and his confidence – never arrogance –, is so contagious that by the end of the song, you believe it too.
** Daniel Reifferscheid, reviewing Elvis' first album, for Toxic Universe

* Many of them had camped out overnight, and on the morning of June 7 they filed through the estate's famous iron gates. That day, 3,000 Elvis Presley fans paid $5 to be the first to visit Graceland, the mansion where he had lived and found dead in 1977 at the age of 42. Moving through the gaudy Southern mansion, as [[w:Reuters|Reuters]] described it, fans saw the trophy building, with its gold records and costumes, the living room's stained-glass peacocks, and the meditation gardens, where Elvis was buried. Paul Simon made a pilgrimage to Graceland in song, and Bruce Springsteen actually leaped over the wall in 1976. But in 1957, it was just a nice, colonnaded mansion in the Memphis suburbs that Elvis, then 22, bought for his parents for $102,500. Today 600,000 people a year visit Graceland, and it lives on in dreams.
** Elizabeth Renzetti, Canadian writer, for the [[w:Globe and Mail|Globe and Mail]], on the 36th anniversary of the opening of Graceland, since November 7, 1991 listed in the [[w:National Register of Historic Places|National Register of Historic Places]] and declared a [[w:National Historic Landmark|National Historic Landmark]] on March 27, 2006 and as published on June 7, 2018.

* One day, when I was very very young, We ended up playing poker. During the game he casually asked one of his entourage about the new Chrysler car that was released that day and then  handed him a wad of cash and said, ‘ Go get one.’ ‘ Any special colour?’ ‘ Nah, I don’t care’ he said ii)  Had he done &quot;A star is born&quot; he would have been incredible, like Streisand wanted him to&quot;
** [[w:Burt Reynolds|Burt Reynolds]], as reported in the Daily Express 21 Nov 2015 edition ii) reminiscing with Ann Margret and Reba McIntire in her television program &quot;Conversations&quot;, on their respective careers.

* I got to meet Elvis, an adorable, sweet Southern boy as charming as he could be. No wonder all the girls fell all over him.He was as wonderful in person as he was on the screen. He didn't want to make some of those films at all, but you know, you have to do what you have to do and now Elvis is gone, we're lucky we have what he did do.
** [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]], in the 2008 TV documentary &quot;Hollywood: Singing and Dancing&quot;.

* Elvis Presley was a legend, even in my homeland of Korea. When I received a phone call from a man who identified himself as Elvis Presley and told me that he was interested in continuing his studies in the martial arts under my direction, it occurred to me that this was most probably someone's idea of a joke; however, several hours later, I found myself seated behind my desk with him, seated across from me. Elvis then told me that it was at Master [[w:Ed Parker|Ed Parker]]'s suggestion that he contacted me. I was more than flattered, I was overwhelmed. He then insisted on training in regular classes with other students. He quickly realized that students were watching him rather than paying attention in the class so he asked me to arrange a demonstration which would allow the students to view his technique and see that he was attending class as a martial artist, not as an entertainer. I selected a day when a promotion (rank advancement) test was already scheduled and combined the two events. I selected this day because Elvis particularly enjoyed working with children and the student to be tested was a boy. Elvis was very humble. As a student of the martial arts, he was physically strong, his technique was excellent, one of the best. He was a master entertainer and a master showman, but he was also a Master human being. In many ways, Elvis taught me more than I taught him.
** Sensey Master [[w:Kang Rhee|Kang Rhee]] describing his relationship with Elvis in www.kanghreecom.

* When I was a child of 5 or 6, I loved my little record player, but, other than children's storytelling albums, I owned only two albums — both gospel: Johnny Cash's “The Holy Land&quot; and Elvis Presley's Gospel.
** [[w:John Tinker (TV producer)|Ronda Rich]], best-selling Southern author and syndicated columnist in an interview with the Gainesville Times, as published on their December 10 2018 online edition.

* On board I sing a song that [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Andrew Lloyd Webber]] and I wrote for Elvis, “It’s Easy for You.” We have a little Elvis interlude. When I was a spotty 15-year-old, Elvis was my hero, and I never dreamt that many years later, he would sing a song that we wrote. When he was in Vegas, we met his music publisher, Freddy Bienstock, and he said, &quot;Oh, Elvis’s always looking for good songs.” This was after Elvis had broken up with Priscilla Presley, and we wrote “It’s Easy for You,” about leaving a wife and child for another woman. In 1977 it came out: It was the last track on the last album he recorded before he died. It's the one song many people haven't heard, but one I think they enjoy very much in the shows.
** [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], in an article entitled &quot;When a Two-Time Oscar-Winning Composer Puts on a Show on Luxury Cruises as published on their 21 February 2019 edition.

* As far as rock, he was the boss...
** [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]], in an interview with YouTube-

* I want to thank Jim Carrey, one of my biggest fans, then Will Smith, my Mama, Elvis Presley, J. Cruz, Cece, Power 106, my girl, my kids and Eddie Murphy.&quot;
** Rapper [[w:Rich The Kid|Rich The Kid]], thanking those sho influenced him, in an article for HotNewHipHop's March 20, 2019 edition

* I owe Elvis Presley my career and the entire music business owes him its lifeline...
** [[w:Cliff Richard|Cliff Richard]], as noted in iheartelvisnet

* Good records just get better with age. But the one that really turned me on, like an explosion one night, listening to Radio Luxembourg on my little radio when I was supposed to be in bed and asleep, was “Heartbreak Hotel”. That was the stunner. I'd never heard it before, or anything like it. I'd never heard of Elvis before. It was almost as if I'd been waiting for it to happen. I'm supposed to be asleep; I'm supposed to be going to school in the morning Then, “Since my baby left me” – it was just the sound. It was the last trigger. That was the first rock and roll I heard. It was a totally different way of delivering a song, a totally different sound, stripped down, burnt, no bullshit, no violins and ladies' choruses and schmaltz, totally different. It was bare, right to the roots that you had a feeling were there but hadn't yet heard. I've got to take my hat off to Elvis for that. The silence is your canvas, that's your frame, that's what you work on; don't try and deafen it out. That's what “Heartbreak Hotel” did to me. It was the first time I'd heard something so stark. Then I had to go back to what this cat had done before. Luckily I caught his name. The Radio Luxembourg signal came back in. “That was Elvis Presley, with ‘Heartbreak Hotel.'” sh*t!
** [[w:Keith Richards|Keith Richards]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* As I tell my kids now, ‘No, I didn’t know Abraham Lincoln.’ But Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr, I had a chance to meet, and know. But I missed Elvis and I regret that. I was too young when he died.
** [[w:Lionel Richie|Lionel Richie]], in an interview with the Las Vegas Journal, published on February 7, 2018.

* Elvis was huge in the fifties, had his troubles in the sixties, but he came roaring back in the seventies, when he was huge all over again. He took over Vegas and made the town his own. When he was playing the Hilton, everyone was happy because business trickled down from this show to everywhere else. I'd only met him in passing, but people kept saying he was a big fan of mine. I was flattered but never really believed it. Then one night, when I'm on stage at the Sahara, there he is, with his girlfriend, Linda Thompson, and they are heading for the stage. The audience goes nuts, and all I can say is &quot;Elvis it's great to see you. Looks like you got enough gold around your neck to sink the Titanic. &quot;He laughs and his eyes tell me he's feeling no pain. &quot;Mr. Rickles&quot; he says, &quot;I have a poem I'd like to read in your honor&quot;. And I said &quot;Thank you, Elvis. I really appreciate it. Please do&quot;. The poem is flowery and no one knows what it's about, so when he's through I say: &quot;Elvis, we love you. You're a genius and a gentleman for gracing my stage. Now, do me a favor, take your chain, belt and cape and go home.&quot;
** Comedian [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] in his autobiography &quot;Rickles' Book&quot; published in 2007.

* My orchestra shall always aim to create a vibrant atmosphere bringing Sostakovich, Ravel, Elvis and Sinatra together.
** [[w:André Rieu|André Rieu]], Dutch violinist and conductor best known for creating the waltz-playing Johann Strauss Orchestra, as noted in an interview with Cafebabel, published on June 7, 2016.

* Although many people have a hard time defining charisma, they believe they know it when they see it. Most will agree that certain historical leaders, say like Presidents Kennedy, FDR, Ronald Reagan and leaders of social movements, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, as well and celebrities like Elvis Presley all had charisma. But when it comes to the specific political leader that people support, charisma may be in the eye of the beholder. Charismatic leadership, as theorized by sociologist, [[w:Max Weber|Max Weber]], was primarily in the relationship between leader and followers. According to Weber, certain followers are drawn to a particular leader and imbue that individual with charisma. An emotional bond forms between leaders and followers, and as long as the followers are happy with their chosen, charismatic leader, all is well. One thing is certain, however. In order to be considered charismatic an individual has to have the ability to connect with and “captivate” followers. So what is the common element that underlies charisma potential? It seems to be the ability to communicate emotionally to others – to be able to inspire them with emotions communicated nonverbally.
** Ronald E Riggio Ph.D, for [[w:Psychology Today|Psychology Today]] in an article entitled &quot;Is charisma in the eye of the beholder?&quot;, and as published on their December 25, 2018 online edition.

* A Graceland expansion would mean economic growth. Representatives with Elvis Presley Enterprises told the council that this decision would be a big deal for the city, with local impact over the next 30 years expected to be $9.3 billion dollars.
** Siobhan Riley for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]] in an article dated December 18, 2018 and entitled Elvis Presley Enterprises proposes plan to expand Graceland

* On my radio show, I recall hearing Elvis Presley's “Heartbreak Hotel” playing on my Aunt Babe's radio. It was my most impactful musical memory. That happened when I was six and it just slayed me. Nothing would ever be the same.
** [[w:Steve Ripley|Steve Ripley]], founder of The Tractors, as quoted in his obituary published on Taste of Country-s January 6, 2018 edition, which also mentions he named his only son Elvis.

* For me, he was always &quot;Saint Elvis&quot;, so when I had the chance to sing in Las Vegas at a luxury hotel and as back up to the Smothers' Brothers act, I immediately rushed to the Hilton, where he was appearing. Just his entrance was out of this world, indescribable and peerless, and, as singer he always pushed the envelop, an amazing performer all the way to the end&quot;.
** Spanish rocker [[w:Miguel Rios|Miguel Rios]], in his biography &quot;Cosas que siempre quise contar&quot; (2013)

* I never quite “got” Elvis until after his death, but now I fully understand people's fascination with him. That man could really sing. He reinvented himself more times than David Bowie and I remember dancing to this song with the most beautiful woman in the world.
** BBC radio presenter [[w:Nick Risby|Nick Risby]], speaking about Elvis' singing in Can't Help Falling in Love, in his opinion one of the top 20 songs of all time.

* i)  It was the highest rated documentary ever, catchin a 43 % share, until Monica Lewinsky interview by Barbara Walters. ii) If I wanted to have someone come to my house to entyerian myt family for the Thankgicving holidays, I would choose Elvis.
** [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo Rivera]], i)  speaking about his 20-20 show on Elvis0 last days and ii) during a segment of The Five, broadcast on Thanksgving Day, 2021, on the Fox netwrk.

* I went yo see &quot;Loving You&quot; and when I decided to pursue a career in rock, I changed my last name to that the character played by Elvis.
** [[w:Dick Rivers|Dick Rivers]] (born Hervé Forneri, French singer and actor, as noted by IMDB

* My goodness, we all loved him, I met him many times, our children went to school together, he was terrific, a true gentleman
** [[w:Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers]] rapping up her 1992 commemorative show highlighting Elvis' movie career

* This friend of mine and I got tickets for a couple of bucks apiece. In fact, was just a kid when a country music show came to Baton Rouge, LA. In the middle of the show, they announced a special guest sensation from Memphis. So this guy comes out in a pink suit – he didn't even have a drummer – and starts jumping around while they're setting up the amp and a big acoustic bass. Then he started in with, “Well that’s all right, mama,” and we all went, “Hey, that’s the song we like on the radio,” because the station was playing it in Baton Rouge. There was Elvis. He did That's All Right and Blue Moon Of Kentucky, the B-side of his first record. We went to the back of the school afterwards, where he had this little Cadillac pulling a trailer, and they were loading the bass and stuff into it. He was talking to some of the country music guys about cars. He was probably 18 or 19, and I was 12 or 13. I'm just looking at him, thinking this guy is really cool and different. Little did we know...
** [[w:Johnny Rivers|Johnny Rivers]] on seeing Elvis Presley for the first time, in his hometown of Shreveport LA, speaking to Jim Clash, of Forbes on May 14, 2015

* Anywhere in the world, not before, during or after has there been a bigger music star than Elvis Presley. I always wanted to record one of his ballads, but in English, and I chose the title track for his second movie, &quot;Loving you&quot; ...
** [[w:Roberto Carlos|Roberto Carlos]], Brazilian biggest music superstar, in an interview published on 26 December, 2014

* Sixty-two years ago Sunday, Elvis Presley took the stage at CBS studios in New York and smiled as a city health official stuck a needle in his left arm. The publicity stunt, broadcast nationwide before Presley's 2nd appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” was meant to convince the American public that the new polio vaccine was safe. It worked. And playing to Presley's demographic apparently helped. About 75 percent of Americans under 20 had received at least one polio shot by August 1957, when the first national survey was taken; this rose to nearly 90 percent by September 1961, according to a 1962 public health report.
** Karin Roberts, writing for [[w:NBC News|NBC News]] on the 62nd anniversary of Elvis' polio advocacy, as noted in an article entitled &quot;When it comes to vaccines, celebrities often call the shots&quot;, and published on October 28, 2018.

* It's the birthday of the King, as Elvis Presley would have said.&quot;
** Farmer [[w:David Robinson|David Robinson Roberto]], on milking his farm's 140 cows on Christmas day, in spite of most people taking Christmas off, to be published on the Otago Dailyu Times on 27 December 2017.

* Robinson was a harbinger of an important shift in American life, one of the first of a burgeoning black culture, held in check by legal and social stricture that was about to burst forth and dominate the mainstream. He and Elvis Presley both played black, brought black style into the mainstream and were demonized as polluters before they were lionized as cultural heroes. Would Presley have been possible if not for Jackie Robinson? Perhaps, but it is probably more correct to see Robinson and Presley as historical inevitabilities, as the first cracks in the cultural dam.
** About [[w:Jackie Robinson|Jackie Robinson]], who waved to the audience and took a bow on January 6, 1957, as requested by Ed Sullivan on Elvis third appearance at his show, and as noted by writer, ex-baseball player, musician, and journalist Phillip Martin for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette and published on blooddirtandangels on April 15, 2011.

* Elvis was the best looking, nicest, most down to earth man I have ever met, funny to say that, but it's true, it was like a guy you went to school with, anyone who spend any time with him would tell you. He cared how he looked, but no conceit. The best gig I saw had to be his concert at Empire Stadium. There was nothing like it beforehand. He was the first guy to rent stadiums. I'd emceed shows, but standing in front of 26,000 people was nerve-racking.
** [[w:Red Robinson|Red Robinson]], Canada's foremost disc jockey, known for his having introduced both Elvis and the Beatles at their Empire Stadium shows in Vancouver, BC, in 1957 and 1964, respectively, as told to David Wylie, in his program One on one, as broadcast on 16 November, 2016.

* Not only did blacks know Presley, he also knew blacks. “I always wanted to sing like Billy Kenny of the Ink Spots. I like that high, smooth style. I never sang like this in my life until I made that first record—That’s Alright, Mama. I remembered that song because I heard Arthur (Big Boy) Crudup sing it and I thought I would like to try it. Presley was making more money singing rhythm and blues than black performers of the day, with Elvis’s nearest competitor, Fats Domino, expecting to earn $700,000 in 1957. (In fact) Otis Blackwell, writer of two huge Presley hits “Don’t Be Cruel” and “All Shook Up.” confirmed, “I got a good deal. I made money and I am happy.-
** [[w:Louis Robinson|Louis Robinson]], African American reporter, after interviewing Presley for Jet magazine on the racist allegation.

* Elvis was technically fearless and instinctive in his use of technique. In his early material in particular it is as if his voice is finding and creating the lyrics as he is singing them.
** [[w:Cathryn Robson|Cathryn Robson]], Senior lecturer in voice and music performance at the University of Westminster, in an article entitled Elvis voice, like Mario Lanza singing the blues, and published on the Conversation on August 17, 2017.

* In &quot;T.R.O.U.B.L.E&quot;, (1975), his baritone was still as solid as ever, with its humorously cavernous bottom and its nasal vibrato on top. When he is putting out, reaching for the top notes and shaping phrases with the same easy individuality that has always marked his best work, he is still the King.
** John Rockwell, reviewing one of his two 1975 concerts at the Nassau Coliseum for the &quot;New York Times&quot;.

* It's like if you're playing Elvis Presley and you've only got whatever amount of scenes in the movie, you're not gonna work any less hard on the part because you've got less material. You're gonna be like, 'I'm playing Elvis Presley!
** Oscar winner [[w:Sam Rockwell|Sam Rockwell]], on taking brief roles in an interview published by the Indie Wire on 29 June 2018.

* Well, here we go again. Like Elvis in 1968 we eagerly await for the Tiger Woods Comeback Special. We've been here before, of course. Only last month, the former world's No 1 who is now 898th, called off his return at the PGA Tour's Safeway Open just three days before the start of the event...
** [[w:Nick Rodger|Nick Rodger]], writing in the Herald Scotland (28-12-2016), in direct reference to the current decline experienced by Tiger Woods, the outstanding African American golfer who TIME magazine once, albeit too hurriedly, forecast to have the capacity to become a bigger icon than Elvis.

* Just about everywhere we played, it happened. Sometimes it would be more people than other times, depending on the size of the crowds, but after that first time, when there was a riot, Elvis did not invite the girls backstage anymore. I think he learned that it was not a good idea.
** [[w:Jimmy Rodgers Snow|Jimmy Rodgers Snow]], as told to Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick

* Looking at the last century of US history, no other individual can fairly be said to have changed US culture so much while receiving so little recognition for having done so: the gap between what Elvis actually accomplished and the degree to which we understood those accomplishments is far wider for him than it is for any other figure.
** Author Gilbert Rodmam in his biography, Elvis after Elvis: the posthumous career of a living legend, published by Routledge, London in 1996, p 172.

* When things are happening you don't appreciate them as much as later, like when Elvis Presley made his comeback special, I was in the recording studio and this was an historical milestone. Photography takes you there.
** George Rodriguez, noted Mexican American photographer as interviewed by [[w:Sara Rosen|Sara Rosen]] in an article published by Vice on 10 April, 2018 and entitled &quot;Powerful Vintage Photos Contrast Hollywood Glitz with Civil Disobedience&quot;

* I must confess that when Fidel spoke despectively about “elvispreslians”, I felt a conflict within me because since I was a kid, I loved both Elvis and his songs. I felt that more than the music itself, Fidel wanted to criticize the old youth in Cuba, those that did not think like he did. It was a truly awkward moment for me, but I was able to get over it, perhaps because my political hierarchies were always more mature than my musical ones...
** [[w:Silvio Rodríguez|Silvio Rodríguez]], Cuban musician, widely considered his country's folk singer and arguably one of Latin America's greatest singer-songwriters, explaining why he chose, at age 15, to continue being a follower of Fidel Castro in spite of the latter's opinion of Elvis followers, like he was, and of rock music in general, as published in Cuba Debate on August 14, 2017.

* I'm not a singer, and I'm not from the United States. But I randomly listened to country music growing up in England. My dad would play old songs and I was obsessed with Elvis Presley to a point where my family, if it was Christmas or something like that, they'd always get me an Elvis LP. My auntie—who's a Scottish jazz singer— was massively supportive of me liking Elvis. So when this movie came up, I was like, ‘This is the closest I’ll ever get to playing Elvis Presley.’
** [[w:Alex Roe|Alex Roe]], British actor, telling Coveteur magazine what led him to accept playing a US country singer in the 2018 movie &quot;Forever my girl&quot;, in an article published on 19 January, 2018-

* The next frontier for immersive storytelling may be your headphones, thanks to a new spatial audio platform that Vrai Pictures is set to unveil at SXSW next month. Traverse, as the platform is called, allows users to map their surroundings with the help of mobile augmented reality (AR) technology, and then explore immersive audio experiences in their own living rooms. One of the first experiences to be powered by the new platform is called “From Elvis in Memphis.” It allows users to experience his music by walking through a physical space, with Traverse's app making it spatially sound like they're in the studio with Elvis himself. In the middle of a performance, you can walk right up to him. You can also walk up to any of the other band members. The music suddenly shows a dimensionality that was always there but couldn't be experienced. It just needed the creative insight, the right platform, the tools, and the technology to be realized.
** Janko Roettgers, in an interview with Vrai Pictures founder [[w:Jessica Brillhart|Jessica Brillhart]], as published by [[w:Variety (magazine)|Variety]], in an article entitled &quot;Spatial Audio Application Traverse to Launch at SXSW With Immersive Elvis Experience&quot;, as published on their February 28, 2019 edition

* In 1991, Graceland gained a spot on the National Register of Historic Places, keeping Elvis Presley ahead of his time even in death. The National Park Service now honors the place Elvis called home from 1957 to 1977 when he died. It's very, very rare that a site is placed on the register when its the home of a famous person whose achievements are less than 50 years old, said George Berklacey, chief spokesman for the National Park Service. But the keeper of the national register, Jerry Rogers, felt Graceland and Presley were “an exceptional significance,” Berklacey said.
** Laud on the importance of Elvis Presley and Graceland by [[w:Jerry Rogers|Jerry Rogers]], keeper of the US National Register of Historic Places as published by the Commercial Appeal on November 7, 1991.

* So I went to his show and he introduced me as his friend. I went for about eight nights in a row just to hear him introduce me that way. And I found a little way to get backstage before the normal people got backstage and I went back there and he always treated me with such respect. I loved that about him. I remember one night backstage when he said, ‘Where are you going?’ I said, ‘I’m going to go play a little blackjack. Why don’t you come with me?’ And he said, ‘You know, I would give anything in the world to go out there with you’. But he thought he would get hurt, and the more I think about it, he couldn't have sat at the table like I did. I judge people by how well they treat me. That's what I loved about him. He made me feel so comfortable and I didn't really know him...
** [[w:Kenny Rogers|Kenny Rogers]], in an teleconferenced interview with Jimmie Tramel for the Tulsa World, and as published on Friday, March 17, 2017

* Elvis Presley press-agented as a singer and entertainer, played to two groups of teenagers numbering several thousand at the city auditorium here, Monday, May 14. As newspaper man, parent, and former member of Army Intelligence Service, I feel an obligation to pass on to you my conviction that Presley is a definite danger to the security of the United States.
** First paragraph of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of La Crosse|Roman Catholic Diocese of La Crosse]]-influenced letter, signed by the Editor in Chief of La Crosse Register's and addressed to the then FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover on May 16, 1956.

* Calistoga up the road was significantly affected by the fire along with other regions like Atlas Peak and Mt. Vreeder, but on the latter there were properties like the reservation-only &quot;Outpost Wines&quot; — known especially for its juicy Zinfandels — that survived. Thankfully the fire didn't affect the recent opening of &quot;The Ink House&quot; on the way to Rutherford, an 1800s house where Elvis Presley once slept and was reimagined as a hyper-luxurious B&amp;B with butler-style service, not to mention plentiful Castellucci wine by the same family and a Bentley house car for dropoffs and pickups.
**[[w:Kathryn Romeyn|Kathryn Romeyn]], in an article which focused on California wine country travel and everything one would need to know to plan a trip to the regions after the horrific 2017 fires, including the 18th century hotel Elvis stayed while filming &quot;Wild in the Country&quot;,as published on the Jet Set magazine on February 22, 2018

* At some point on the night of October 22, 2018 the home fans at Old Trafford Stadium will probably sing a round of &quot;Viva Ronaldo&quot;. From distant metro platforms to wind-raked terraces, it has been a Manchester United standard of the past decade, an Elvis-riff on those six years when he transformed himself from dazzling gadfly to the best footballer in the world. Until then, this still feels like a homecoming curiosity, a reminder of just how exhilarating that &quot;Ronaldo-as-Elvis footballer&quot; was; and a reminder too, whatever his ultimate destiny, of happier past associations for a player who was for at least three of those years, the best the league has ever seen.
* About [[w:Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]'s first trip to Manchester to play his old team since he joined Juventus AC, as written by [[w:Barney Ronay|Barney Ronay]] in an article entitled &quot;Ronaldo’s return to Old Trafford a reminder of how life used to be&quot;, published in the Guardian's October 21, 2018 edition

* i) Q magazine bravely attempted to name the best and worst singers ever. They did a good job, wisely going big with Elvis as the to choice. ii) There was no model for Elvis Presley's success; what Sun Records head Sam Phillips sensed was something in the wind, an inevitable outgrowth of all the country and blues he was recording at his Union Avenue studio; enter Presley in 1954, bringing with him a musical vocabulary rich in country, country blues, gospel, inspirational music, bluegrass, traditional country, and popular music -- as well as a host of emotional needs that found their most eloquent expression in song; his timing was impeccable, not only as a vocalist, but with regard to the cultural zeitgeist: emerging in the first blush of America's postwar ebullience, Presley captured the spirit of a country flexing its industrial muscle, of a generation unburdened by the concerns of war, younger, more mobile, more affluent, and better educated than any that had come before; (as such), the Sun recordings were the first salvos in an undeclared war on segregated radio stations nationwide. iii) At Sun Studio in Memphis Elvis Presley called to life what would soon be known as rock and roll with a voice that bore strains of the Grand Ole Opry and Beale Street, of country and the blues. At that moment, he ensured – instinctively, unknowingly – that pop music would never again be as simple as black and white.”
** ''Rolling Stone'' magazine, focusing on the importance of Elvis' Sun Records label recordings {{fix cite}}, ii) published on 5 March, 2007 and iii) as published in 1986.

* Though Elvis seems nearly as much a function of time and place as of talent and personality, his rise was clearly no accident. Peter Guralnick presents Elvis as the vessel, Sam and Dewey Phillips as the catalysts, and rock 'n' roll as a historical inevitability. Now, &quot;Why him?&quot; is what other Memphis boys kept asking in the summer of 1954, when Sun issued his first single, &quot;That's All Right Mama&quot; backed with &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot;. There were a hundred other kids in Memphis with talent and ambition, any one of them as accomplished as Elvis so, again, why him?. To [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]], Sam's assistant, &quot;He was like a mirror in a way: whatever you were looking for, you were going to find in him. In short, he had all the intricacy of the very simple.&quot; This ability to mirror the dreams and yearnings of others is the hallmark of every great star, from Judy Garland to Marilyn Monroe to James Dean. Within two years, Elvis would be one of them.
** Frank Rose, reviewing [[w:Peter Guralnick|Peter Guralnick]]'s &quot;Last Train to Memphis&quot; for Los Angeles Times Book Review̺'s October 2, 1994 edition in an essay entitled &quot;Why Elvis&quot;.

* In December of 1968, while punching a heavy bag in a gym in L.A. I hear a voice sing out, 'Hey, Lionel! What's doin'?' And it was Elvis Presley himself. I was in awe of him, but he said he was in awe of me (LOL).
**[[w:Lionel Rose|Lionel Rose]], the first indigenous bantamweight world boxing champion from Australia,recalling, for EIN, the time when he met Elvis just before his LA title defense fight with Chucho Castillo.

* I was really impressed and surprised to learn a lot of things about him,
** Shep Rose, lead actor in [[w:Southern Charm|Southern Charm]], recommending HBO's Elvis: The Searcher as one of the top documentaries of 2018.

* It had been a sensational interview and I knew I had everything I needed for an excellent story for Rolling Stone. I truly felt a real connection with Paul Rogers and his new band Band Company which gave me the courage to do what I did next: invite the singer to see Elvis Presley, who was performing on the night of May 11, 1974 at the Inglewood Forum. And I knew Rodgers was a huge fan, even trying to sneak into Graceland one time back when he was with his previous band Free. As we made the 45-minute drive to the Inglewood Forum —a huge 20,000-seat arena where the Los Angeles Lakers played— Paul couldn't stop talking about finally seeing Elvis. We parked and I handed Paul his ticket. He looked at it like it was the Holy Grail itself. We walked inside, found our seats and from the moment Presley took the stage, Rodgers could barely contain himself, screaming, shouting and jumping up and down like a kid, acting the way I did when I first saw his previous band, Free, so many years earlier when they opened for Blind Faith. Watching Paul while he watched a then-34-year old Elvis do his thing felt like an out-of-body experience. It was like some perfect circle. When the lights came up and as everybody was exiting the arena, Paul saw various members of Led Zeppelin along with Peter Grant, who by then managed both Bad Company and Led Zeppelin, going backstage. I knew I wouldn't be able to go there myself, but I didn't really care, all I wanted was for Paul to get to meet his hero. However, we were stopped by a pair of burly bodyguards guarding the backstage entrance. I tried to explain to them that this was Paul Rodgers, but they weren't bulging. Eventually, we had a message relayed backstage and when Peter finally came back out, he told Paul he couldn't get him in. If Paul was hurt by being treated so selfishly —it felt as if Led Zeppelin wanted an audience with the King all by themselves— he didn't show it. Paul was still jubilant so when we returned to the hotel, that's when Paul told me, “I’ll just tell my friends I talked to him anyway.&quot; He had purchased a souvenir booklet and would use that as evidence though Paul and I would always know the truth.
** Excerpted from Steve Rosen's article entitled &quot;Behind the curtain: Taking Paul Rogers, (then frontman for the UK supergroup [[w:Bad Company|Bad Company]] and formerly of the band Free) to an Elvis Presley concert in Los Angeles, as published in Rockcellar Magazine's March, 6 2015's edition.

* Few have probably heard of him unless you're a serious fan of Jewish cantorial music. But if you have, you know he's the equivalent of Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Luciano Pavarotti -- a singer to be remembered forever.
** About [[w:Yossele Rosenblatt|Yossele Rosenblatt]], as written by Ina Jaffe for NPR in an article entitled &quot;The Cantor With The Heavenly Voice&quot; and published on their September 6, 2010 online version.

*  His 2019 election victory took him from popular buffoon to prime minister just like Elvis’ comeback TV special in 1968, which crowned him the undisputed king of rock ‘n’ roll.  However, after a year,  the name ‘Boris’ suddenly no longer sounded like a buddy, but now carried the same contemptuous undertone as ‘Maggie’ , the last person in office who was customarily referred to by her first name.  Once the brand has become a dirty word, there is no turning back. The fact is Johnson is now in the ‘Fat Elvis’ stage of his career
** Robert Rotifer's take on UK Prime Minister  [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]],as noted by the Express on its February 15, 2022 edition in an article entitled &quot;Boris branded 'fat Elvis' in brutal German media take down&quot;

* I was contacted, not all that long ago, by the son of a military officer who was at the time the military attache to Prime Minister [[w:Harold Holt|Harold Holt]]. He told this story just before he died to his son who told me that his dad was in Harold Holt's office and Harold was struggling with popularity and the anti-war movement. The officer said to Harold Holt “what you need is an Elvis Presley. Get Normie Rowe called up”. If the Prime Minister says something is going to happen then there is a pretty good chance it is going to happen&quot;.
** [[w:Normie Rowe|Normie Rowe]], Australian singer, telling Noise11.com in 2015, about his being drafted as a political ruse to help the popularity of Harold Holt, the Australian Prime Minister whose death by drowning in December of 1967 was never confirmed.

* After Maria Callas, Elvis Presley is the #2 of the Holy Trinity for taking blues, gospel and spirituals, and sexing them together while also desexualizing the more rough-edged and raunchy root ingredients (ie: removing the black stigma) to make it into rock n' roll and music for the masses. Elvis had an undeniably great voice and incredible moves...
** [[w:Drew Rowsome|Drew Rowsome]], writer, musician, editor and pop culture critic, in an article entitled Elvis Presley: the second of the Holy Trinity

* Even as a kid, I knew music was central to my personality. Like many of us, I recognized that it could also be my source of income after I saw Elvis Presley on The Tommy Dorsey Show. When he made it so big, all us Southern boys thought maybe we had a shot, too.
** [[w:Billy Joe Royal|Billy Joe Royal]], as noted in www.billyjoeroyal.com

*  In Bedford there’s probably more chance of seeing Elvis than seeing your local GP.”
** [[w:Bedford Borough Council|Charles Royden]],  Deputy Mayor of Bedford, speaking about the shortage of general practitioners in his locality, a market town in England and  as published on Bradford Today's May 19, 2022 edition

* As he stepped back into the ring, singing as if his life depends on it, you can feel the visceral thrill as this underdog eagerly reclaims his title. It paid off in spades, rejuvenating his career and proving that, as pop culture spun on its axis, even its most stalwart participants could change gears and reinvent themselves. It wasn't quite Ali vs. Foreman, but as 1968's highest-rated television special, it was close.
** Writer Joel Rubinoff, on the 50th Anniversary of NBC's Elvis special, which was broadcast on 3 December 1968, and as published on the Record, on January 7, 2018.

* He was a really, really, really good looking guy who could really sing, Elvis is the definition of IT. He is one of the people that I owe for choosing a life in music.
** [[w:Darius Rucker|Darius Rucker]], American R&amp;B singer and songwriter who first gained fame as the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist of rock band Hootie &amp; the Blowfish, in an interview with Gracelandcom.

* We three became four again when my sister Loree, who had entered a convent just a couple of years before me decided to return to the outside world. It was later transpired that it was the nuns who had decided Loree should return to the world. In fact, as a novice she had refused to surrender her Elvis Presley vinyls to Mother Superior. Later, (Our own) Mother became convinced that the Good Lord might have had a different vocation in mind for Loree.
** [[w:Kevin Rudd|Kevin Rudd]], former Prime Minister of Australia from 2007 to 2010 and again in 2013 speaking about his sister Loree' devotion for Elvis in an article he authored, published on October 20, 2017 in the Brisbane Courier, and entitled &quot;Corporal punishment and humiliation were rife during Kevin Rudd’s time at a Catholic college&quot;

* Doc Pomus and Mort Shuman's &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot;(1963), was custom-written as the title song for Elvis Presley's 14th film, a rollicking tribute to the city of gambling given a spirited performance by Presley and his session musicians; strangely, it remained an underrated Presley song for a long time, finally beginning to gain some recognition from an unexpected quarter when the &quot;Dead Kennedys&quot; recorded it in 1980, their radical recontextualization of it helping the song to an independent life beyond its origins; on its own, it can now be appreciated as a tribute to Las Vegas that probably deserves to be the city's official anthem.
** William Ruhlmann, reviewing &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; for AllMusicGuide.com, before the Office of the Mayor of Las Vegas requested Elvis Presley Enterprises to allow it to become the city's official song; the price demanded by EPE was too high, so Las Vegas remains, to this date, without an official song.

* After his show, Sammy Davis Jr said he would arrange for my wife Joyce and I to see the best entertainer in Las Vegas which, considering Sammy´s fame, was quite a compliment (Once at the show), the audience was enthralled as the singer sang songs of every genre. And that evening I became a fan of Elvis Presley. Even today, particularly on Sundays when we do not get to church, Joyce and I listen to Elvis singing gospel songs.
** [[Donald Rumsfeld]], former Secretary of Defense, as cited in his memoirs &quot;Known and Unknown&quot;, published by the Penguin Group (pp 128-29)

* They decamped to Munich in June 1979, and he had just checked in at the glittering Bayerischer Hof Hotel and stepped into the bath to wash away the travel grime, when a melody came to him. It was a hiccup-y rockabilly number, somewhat tongue-in-cheek. It had affectionate elements of the recently departed Elvis Presley, who had been a major vocal influence on him. Calling for assistant Peter Hince to fetch him an acoustic guitar, he wrapped a towel around his body and began to bash out the skeleton of what might be the most uncharacteristically simple song he ever wrote, which took him five or 10 minutes, doing it on the guitar as he did, and in one way it was quite a good thing because he was restricted, knowing so few chords.
** [[w:Jordan Runtag|Jordan Runtag]], for RollingStone magazine, on how Freddy Mercury came about to writing Queen's #1 hit 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

* Entertainment-wise Elvis Presley played a big part for me because I'm out kicking my foot across the stage, but Elvis Presley did the same thing I do. He can get away with it. (It) kind of opened the door for me, along with B.B. King and all the guys who have come before me (Chuck Berry, Little Richard) who set a trail for me to come through the door. Now I'm one of the top five who are left to do this and I thank God for putting me in this position. I never thought that I would be an icon as the leading role of the blues cats, man, especially the black blues cats. I never thought I'd be here.
** Bluesman [[w:Bobby Rush|Bobby Rush]], in an interview published by the Huff Post on 6 February 2015.

* In the '50s, listening to Elvis on the radio in Bombay – it didn't feel alien. Noises made by a truck driver from Tupelo, Mississippi, seemed relevant to a middle-class kid growing up on the other side of the world. That has always fascinated me. I suppose what's interesting about rock and roll is it was the first cultural phenomenon that was about, for, controlled by and made by young people. And your mother didn't like it. Certainly my mother didn't, though she got used to it, eventually. In fact, I think Elvis was the one who got to her.
** Sir [[w:Salman Rushdie|Salman Rushdie]], UK/Indian novelist and essayist as published in branyquotes.com

* For me it goes back to Elvis. The reality is, my experience with Elvis and ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ as a wonderful revelation is exactly the same experience that Paul McCartney had, that Keith Richards had, that Mick Jagger had, that they all had because they're all just sitting in England wondering what they're going to do. And Elvis comes over the airwaves and changes everybody's life.”
** World renowned rock photographer [[w:Ethan Russell|Ethan Russell]], describing his early years as an eleven year old kid in San Francisco, and as published on September 23, 2015 in the online edition of &quot;The Townsman&quot;.

* It's funny – because we didn't talk a great deal about him. That was one thing we never got around to. When I played Elvis, in 1979, then in 2001, a lot of people said to me “Boy, you must be a great Elvis fan”. When you play a real person you have parameters. When you play a famous person that everyone knows, now the parameters become very finite. It's your job to go right up against the edges of those parameters. I said I worked with him, as a child, in 1962, but I did not know that much about his career or anything. I remember him distinctly, because I worked with him for two weeks on the movie and most of it was with him. I saw him off-camera a lot. But in 1979, I learned about him. And when I learned about him, I became a pretty decent Elvis fan. But nothing like Quentin, he probably knows everything about him. He knows about his music, he's probably seen all his movies. Yeah, so someday I'll say hey, tell me some of your feelings about Elvis.
** [[w:Kurt Russell|Kurt Russell]], from an interview with Sebastian Haselbeck, a writer for the Quentin Tarantino Archives' who asked him whether he and Tarantino had discussed Elvis during the shoot of &quot;The Hateful Eight&quot;, as published in the QTA' online page in March of 2015.

* I'm a big Elvis fan, so I went to see him when he was playing in Las Vegas and, after the show, I was invited up to his room to meet him. I was very excited so I blurted out: &quot;Why did you make all those stupid movies?&quot; I couldn't believe I've said that and felt so embarrassed but Elvis just said, &quot;Last thing I remember I was driving a truck&quot; So now every time I say something stupid, I think of Elvis.&quot;
** Rocker [[w:Leon Russell|Leon Russell]], talking about the time he met his idol, after starting off his concert in Denver, on April 26, 2015, with Presley's cover version of Ray Charles' &quot;I got a woman&quot;

* I had met him  on a few occasions, but we hadn't spent any time together. One night in 1971 after a show at the International, I went backstage, where he was with a group of his buddies discussing where they were going to eat.  He spotted me and called me over. 'Hey, man, you ever have a peanut butter and banana sandwich, on white bread?' &quot;I thought he was putting me on, so I played along. 'Love 'em,' I said.&quot; 'Great, man! You're coming with us!'&quot;'Where we going?' I asked. &quot;'San Francisco, brother&quot; So we flew out of McCarran Airport on Elvis's private jet, landing there about an hour later. There were eight of us, and he  did the ordering. An initial round of sixteen sandwiches was sucked up in minutes, washed down by gallons of lemonade. I had one. After the meal, we got back on the plane and flew back to Vegas. Once we were in his suite, he decided he wanted to watch a Western movie. A projector was set up and a 1930s oater with [[w:Hoot Gibson|Hoot Gibson]] began. As i saw it,  Elvis and his crew were whooping it up like real cowboys, and I wondered what the hell I was doing there. Then the guns came out. Elvis packed a  1942 Beretta 9&amp;nbsp;mm pistol given to him by General [[w:Omar Bradley|Omar Bradley]], with the others having revolvers. He fired the first  shot into a wall, and everyone followed suit as if mimmickimg the action in the movie, where Gibson was chasing a bunch of bad guys and trading shots with them.  I thought a couple of live rounds would've been it, but then Elvis started overturning furniture, and the guys divided up into two sides. I ducked behind a couch as everyone hid behind cover and traded shots. They aimed high, but bullets can travel through walls, and who knows where they could've wound up. Within a minute, the &quot;Gunfight in Suite 3000&quot; was over and every&amp;shy;one repaired to the bar to get loaded, pun intended. I stayed a while, but I couldn't hear a damn thing because I was temporarily deaf from the gunfire. But I love Elvis. He was unique for what he was, he was statuesque&quot;
** Actor [[w:Gianni Russo|Gianni Russo]], in pages 117-118 of his autobiography  entitled &quot;Hollywood Godfather: My Life in the Movies and the Mob&quot;, published by St. Martin's Press. The Baretta being mentioned, a 1942 Model M1934 9&amp;nbsp;mm Corto Caliber Pistol (Known as .380 ACP in Modern Day)  was later gifted by Elvis to his tehn girfriend Barbara Leigh and she auctioned it in 2018, for US$51,000, the buyer being the Graceland Museum where it can be now seen.

* It seems like since the early days of rock and roll, there's been a uniform that's consisted of jeans, T-shirt and black leather jacket,&quot; she says. Elvis Presley, though, served his version with a twist: He was very much influenced by African American style on Beale Street in Memphis and incorporated everything from shiny suits to the poet-sleeved shirts his mother made for him into his wardrobe. But Presley wasn't exactly one for playing by the rules
** [[w:Meredith Rutledge-Borger|Meredith Rutledge-Borger]], associate curator at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, tracing the origin of 2017's rock outfits in an article published on October 17 2017, on FASHIONISTA.

* To have two cycling riders of the calibre of Kelly and Roche emerge independently of one another within the space of four years, is akin to the town of Tupelo, Mississippi, producing a second Elvis Presley shortly after the first. It is a most astonishing accident of history.
** Barry Ryan, a cycling journalist and author of the Ascent, referring to Irish superstars Sean Kelly and Stephen Roche, as reported in the Irish Independent on October 7, 2017.

* Elvis Presley summed it up perfectly when filming the musical &quot;Roustabout&quot;. The director, John Rich, wasn't particularly impressed with his entourage hanging around and playing practical jokes on one another. When Rich approached him about his traveling companions clowning around and disrupting, he didn't back down from his director. He told Rich, &quot;When these damn movies cease to be fun, I'll stop doing them.&quot; Cheers, Elvis. Couldn't have said it better myself.
** Peggy Ryan complaining about the political madness arising out of the 2016 Presidential election in an article entitled &quot;&quot;It Finally Happened: Politics Has Ruined Everything Fun&quot;&quot;, published in The American Thinker on October 3, 2016

* There were maybe thirty people in the room and he walks in and the first thing that happens is our eyes meet. He's probably fifteen feet away from me and then he flings a grape that hits me right between the eyes, in the forehead. I didn't talk to him that night other than when he came over and knelt down while apologizing. So he then joined the rest of the people in the room and so I took my cue and left. Elvis had qualities that no other human being has, had, will have. Some of them are so hard to describe because the charisma, the qualities that he had were almost not of this world, you know. They were, a lot of times, angelic. But it was his innocence that really impressed me. His biggest joy was in the giving...
** Sheilla Ryan, recalling the day she met Elvis in Las Vegas in 1972, as told in an interview published in EIN's website page, on March 31, 2016.

== S ==

* Although the beachside hotels on the bay supplemented most of the older hotels, El Mirador maintained its status, primarily because of the iconic cliff divers, or clavadistas, who dived from a platform outside the hotel more than forty meters into the water below. The classic image of cliff divers in Acapulco was immortalized in popular culture worldwide by the film &quot;Fun in Acapulco&quot; (1963), in which Elvis Presley plays a former acrobat, down on his luck and stranded there.
** Andrew Sackett in his essay &quot;The Politics of Development on the Mexican Riviera&quot;, as included in From Holiday in Mexico by Berger, Dina, [[w:Duke University Press|Duke University Press]] Duke University Press, 2009.

* Every time he'd appeared on Letterman, he'd had to change his act. Written down, worked out, pre-approved by the production staff, his sweet improvisational melody was sliced and diced into a sampled, discordant riff. He just didn't come across. And he hadn't yet figured out what to do about it. At least not until that twelfth appearance. His ghost appearance, resonating forever in the memory of the Ed Sulli&amp;shy;van Theatre, there, center stage, near Elvis's swiveling hips. Another really big show, never to be seen.
** [[w:Mike Sager|Mike Sager]], recalling the time comedian [[Bill Hicks]]'s monologue at the David Letterman Show was removed from the broadcast until that point in October 1, 1993, the only occasion where a comedian's entire routine was cut after taping' in US television history —, as noted in an article entitled &quot;The Gospel according to Bill Hicks&quot; published on April 10, 2017 at the Stacks online page. Unbeknownst to Sager, that censure, on Hickñs 12th appearance at Letterman's show, coincided with what took place on precisely Elvis 12th appearance on national television, when he was filmed from the waist up only, the happening taking place, as the writer did notice, at the exact same place, the Ed Sullivan Theatre, then CBS Studio 50.

* Elvis Presley was more influential as a performer than any other musician in world history. In some respects he resembled other influential performers, including the famous Italian violinist Niccolò Paganini (1782–1840) and the Hungarian pianist Franz Liszt (1811–1886). Like them Elvis was exciting, charismatic, and enormously successful. Unlike Liszt and Paganini,however, Elvis did not compose any of his own music, yet the ways in which he performed the songs he sang transformed twentieth-century popular music worldwide. At his best, was most influential as a Southern White singer who introduced audiences throughout the United States and around the world to Black American music, especially to rock ‘n’ roll, a form of rhythm and blues. He was also influential because he combined in his performances elements from different American singing styles, including gospel, rockabilly, country-western and standard' pop numbers; he even employed bel canto singing in a few songs borrowed from Italian music. His stage persona was extremely influential as well, simultaneously glamorising, as he did, rock music and making it seem ‘dangerous’, thus even inspiring aspects of punk rock in the 1970s. Later, his performances as a touring artist and a Las Vegas entertainer contributed to the birth of glam rock.
** [[w:Michael Saffle|Michael Saffle]] introduction in The Musical Characteristics of Elvis Presley, written in 2009 at the request of Government of the Hong Kong's Special Administrative Region.

* Bill was about 16 when he drove from Blanco, Texas, to see Elvis Presley play at the then Municipal Auditorium. And when he found out the show was sold out, he climbed a tree to try to get into a window. He saw Elvis there in the window so Elvis motioned to him and asked him, 'What are you doing up there in the tree?' And Bill Wittliff explained , and Elvis Presley tore out a paper towel and wrote to the ticket taker to let these three boys in. They're friends of mine. We have that piece of paper on display at the Wittliff Collection.
** Hector Saldana, [[w:Texas State University|Texas State University]]'s curator for Hollywood screenwriter [[w:William D. Wittliff|Bill Wittliff]]'s Collection in San Marcos, TX, as published in KERA NewsJune 11, 2019 edition.

* I was publishing a book with the title &quot;The case against Muhammed&quot;, dealing with the founder of Islam, from a critical point of view, and many people were asking me &quot;why do you do that? And my answer was always &quot;because you are asking me&quot;. Because you wouldn't if the book had been called &quot;The Case against Elvis Presley&quot;. You would accept any criticism of any historical figure, you will consider it as freedom of art, of research, of opinion, but in the case of Muhammed, you say &quot;The Prophet is the Muslim's world last stone of identity, so why do you attack HIM, let him in peace&quot;. And I then always answer my Muslim friends, that maybe he became the last stone of their identity because they left him in peace, alone, for fourteen hundred years.
** Egyptian writer [[w:Hamed Abdel Samad|Hamed Abdel Samad]], in a speech at the Folkemode, on 17 June 2016, in the Danish town of Bornholm.

* Often overlooked, probably because of his immense popularity and mega-star status, Elvis was an extremely generous and compassionate human. I remember an appearance by Elvis on the Ed Sullivan show on a Sunday night while my grandmother was babysitting me. Sitting in a rocking chair and looking over the top of her glasses while she was knitting she uttered, “That boy is going places”. I was 7 or 8, she was 60 something and that moment is etched indelibly in my mind. Hey Nana, you were right.
** Edward Samarak, in a letter to the Editor of the [[w:Mystic Stamp Company|Mystic Stamp Company]] following the publication of an article dated 28 October 2017 and entitled &quot;Elvis’ Polio Vaccine Raises Immunization Levels&quot;

* Shortly after midnight, arriving at San Antonio International airport on Hugh Hefner ‘Playboy’ DC-9 and wearing a long coat with white fur trim, he was greeted by fans before his manager, Col. Tom Parker, took him away in a black limousine to an unknown hotel destination. Fans, when interviewed, felt that if he looked that good when he traveled, that they could only imagine what he will look like on stage. He didn't disappoint. During the concert, a lady who was bitten in a fight over a scarf he threw into the crowd was later taken to the hospital where she was given a tetanus shot from a physician who thought the whole thing was humorous, particularly as the lady said her attacker could be identified by a bald spot on her head, which she had, in turn inflicted, on her....
** From the archives of the [[w:San Antonio News|San Antonio News]], as published on 9 October, 1974.

* I suppose you'd had to call him a lyric baritone, although with exceptional high notes and unexpectedly rich low ones. But what is more important about Elvis Presley is not his vocal range, nor how high or low it extends, but where its center of gravity is. By that measure, Elvis was all at once a tenor, a baritone and a bass, the most unusual voice I've ever heard.
** Greg Sandow, Music professor at the Juillard School, as published in &quot;The Village Voice&quot;.

* And to think I only wanted to imitate Elvis
** [[w:Sandro de America|Sandro]] Argentinean singer and actor heavily influenced, since age 10, by Elvis, vocally, in the way he looked, as well as stage and movie wise. Unlike many of the entertainers Presley inspired in Latin America and because he did not tour during the 1960's, Sandro was one of the few who were able to actually witness Presley performing at his best, in his case, on November 10, 1971, at the Boston Garden. Sandro was also touring the Boston area, at a smaller venue.

* He was the greatest. In fact, he was the most charismatic individual I have ever seen both off and on the screen, he was the kind of person who could not walk into a room and not stop whatever was happening in that room. Every person, man or woman would turn to look at him, he was that magical, There are no words in the vocabulary, unless it is that he had magic.
** Singer [[w:Tommy Sands|Tommy Sands]] in an interview published by youtube by Alan Eichner.

* At the start, I listened to my older brother's collection of Paul Anka and Elvis Presley records.  When the Beatles arrived, at home it became a fight between my brother, who loved Elvis and I, who loved the Beatles.. but we both stayed the course.... 
** Manuel Sanguinetti, lead singer of the Peruvian super-group  [[w:Traffic Sound|Traffic Sound]], and formerly a member of [[w:Los Hang Ten's|Los Hang Ten's]], on how he acquired his taste for early rock, in an interview with Movistar Música's Marshall, taped on November 22, 2017. 

* I just wanted to be like my dad. He was absolutely charming, adorable and irresistible. I looked at him the way other people looked at him, like if he was Elvis. I was like: ‘Man I want what he’s got!’ I didn't realize I was born with it.
**[[w:Carlos Santana|Carlos Santana]], in reply to a question as to how he recalls growing up in Tijuana, as published by the San Diego Union Tribune on 22 September, 2016.

* He liked to do the bumps and grinds as I did them, and that was basically what he used in his routine from 1957. Eventually, he proposed to me, but I told him if anyone knew about us it would cost him his career.
**[[w:Tura Santana|Tura Santana]]'s claim about Elvis picking up on her movies after seeing her at ba burlesque show, as noted on the book &quot;All the King̪s women&quot;

* On stage, any chance I get to put the teeth in and bite people, I will take. “Dance of the vampires&quot; is great if only because it lets itself to be really, really silly. Any character I play has at least one if not three animal images that I use. And for the role of Count von Krolock, I said he's part panther, part eagle, and part Elvis Presley. And Elvis Presley — he's sexy as hell.”
**[[w:Drew Sarich|Drew Sarich]] US Stage actor and singer, telling the Moscow Times, on February 4, 2018, how he is preparing for his upcoming lead role in the stage play version of &quot;Dance of the Vampires&quot; which opened in Moscow in early 2018.

* But my generation did not ONLY love America because she defended freedom. We also loved America because for us she embodied what was most audacious about the human enterprise, because America for us embodied the spirit of conquest. We loved America, because for us, America was a new frontier that was continuously being rolled back, a constantly renewed challenge to the inventiveness of the human spirit. My generation, without even coming to America, shared all of your dreams. In our imaginations, our imaginations were fueled by Hollywood, by the great conquest of the western territories, by Elvis Presley, and you probably haven't heard his name quoted often here -- but for my generation, he is universal.
**French President [[w:Nicolai Sarkozy|Nicolai Sarkozy]], during his speech at a Joint Session of Congress,delivered on November 8, 2007, explaining how Elvis and American values influenced all French people born in the immediate aftermath of the end of the Second World War, as was his case.

* If you ‘failed’, you are in good company. It's comforting to read a list of successful of people who at some stage of their lives were rejected in their study or career paths. Among the many are Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Vincent van Gogh, JK Rowling, Elvis Presley, Mozart and Beethoven. Almost all overcame periods of gloom, adversity and despondency.
** Dave Savides, as published on January 4, 2018 at Zambia's Zululand Observer, in an article entitled &quot;Matriculation results must be kept in perspective&quot;

* There's more chance of Elvis Presley being Chancellor of the Exchequer than John McDonnell. I've never come across such financial illiteracy.&quot;
** Savvas Savouri, the chief economist at [[w:Toscafund Asset Management|Toscafund Asset Management]] making a point of the futility of backing John McDonald for the post of UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, as reported in the Financial News on January 8, 2018-

* While touring Memphis, I was in the dressing room and my knee went and I crawled into a ball and couldn’t get up. I was carried off by a big security guy called Michael who’d once played for the Miami Dolphins. I heard he had an important boss but he didn’t tell me who his boss was. But the next day his boss called me. It was Elvis Presley. He came on the phone singing &quot;You Make Me Feel Like Dancing&quot;, down the line. ‘I love that song, man. I hear Michael has been looking after you and that you’re a great guy. And you need to come over to the house’. he said. I was stunned, and got ready to go to spend a few days with Elvis and his girlfriend Ginger. But the next morning I heard on the radio Elvis had been taken to hospital and died. Years later, I began to think I must have dreamt the whole thing. But I met Ginger at a dinner in London, and she said ‘Elvis had been so excited at the idea of spending a few days with you.’ I had tears in my eyes when she said that.”
**[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]], on the day he almost met Elvis, in an article published at the Sunday Herald, on April 6, 2017.

* Very proud that my father will receive the Medal of Freedom. That he’s getting it with Elvis is icing on the cake.
**[[w:Antonin Scalia|Christopher J Scalia]], upon learning his father will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom, posthumously, in a twit written on November 10, 2018.

* i) I didn’t like Elvis before I went to work with him in the summer of 1969. I mean, I didn’t know him. I just didn’t like his music. I was into black music mostly and jazz so when I went to work for him on the first rehearsal I told my ex-wife, I don’t think I’m going to do this gig, but I’m going to go down and check it out, see what’s going on.’ I came home that night and said, you gotta come down and hear this guy tomorrow night.’ She said, you’re kidding.’I said, no, you got to come down and hear him.’ She came down the next night to the rehearsal and she walked away a fan. It was that immediate. When I walked in and I heard him I said, Oh, oh, I believe that I've been missing something. ii) In some ways Elvis was Conservative and in other ways he was very Liberal. He wasn't someone that was following some political line, you know he'd figure out for himself what he thought was right
** [[w:Jerry Scheff|Jerry Scheff]], Elvis' bass guitarist from 1969 to 1977.

* Iconic celebrities never die because they are, in fact, a booming licensing business. Albert Einstein t-shirts. Elvis Presley guitar straps. Marilyn Monroe finger puppets. (These are all real.) If Samuel Jackson can wisecrack his way through Captain Marvel, then a hologram Tom Petty could perform a concert on behalf of a spirits brands at thousands of bars – at the same time. Muhammad Ali could teach your Orange theory boxing class. Julia Child would be in your kitchen with you to co-cook a Thanksgiving turkey on behalf of Butterball. Gone are the days when a celebrity can only be in one place at one time.
** David Schwab, writng for [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine in an article entitled &quot;2030: The Future Of Influence&quot; as published in their March 20, 2019 edition.

* The spirit of Elvis Presley, I feel it.”
** [[w:Trapper Schoepp &amp; The Shades|Trapper Schoepp]], after playing “Hound Dog” outside the Zippin Pippin on what was the 40th anniversary of Elvis Presley's last ride on the roller coaster, as published on the Green Bay Press Gazette on 19 December, 2017

* He once rode a freight elevator to avoid fans but just as the elevator doors opened, workers were wheeling a deceased guest out on a gurney. “I hope I don’t leave that way,” Elvis quipped.
** Valerie Schremp Hahn for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, in an article entitled Elvis in the elevator, Clydesdales in the lobby: New [[w:Chase Park Plaza Hotel|Chase]] tours tell historic hotel's secrets&quot; and published on January 11, 2019.

*  Our country faced a similar challenge in the 1950s, when there was widespread apprehension about the safety of the polio vaccine. But when Elvis Presley posed backstage being given the shot before an appearance on the highly rated Ed Sullivan Show, the photo ricocheted across the nation and the world and triggered a rapid increase in vaccination rates.
**  Dan Schnur of [[w:The San Francisco Chronicle|The San Francisco Chronicle]], discussing President-elect Joe Biden having been vaccinated against COVID on live television, in an a article entitled &quot;Show me the vaccine: Steph Curry with the shot&quot;, as published in their December 26, 2020.

* Elvis, to me, is a symbol of tremendous promise and that kind of American hopefulness, where you can come from nowhere and have nothing and build yourself up and chase that American dream.
** [[w:Patti Sciaifa|Patti Sciaifa]], member of the E Street band and Bruce Springsteen's wife.

* There comes a point when the voice starts to wash over you. You get inside of it, start to really hear what he's doing, and you realise his singing has this extraordinary, effortless quality to it. Sometimes it's like listening to a stream of honey. It's a very smooth ride, the voice of Elvis Presley. I don't think you focus on the words when he's singing. I think he's doing what bel canto singers do – you don't listen to the words, &quot;just&quot; to the beauty of his voice-. When I say &quot;just&quot;, that makes it sound as if he's denying you something else but, actually, that's quite enough.
** &quot;The Scotsman&quot;, review of the album &quot;Love&quot;, as published in its 25 June, 2005 edition

* He had a photographic mind, came prepared every day. I would have to say that if you, Carole, if you had ever have to do a scene with him, you be....... somewhat taken back, that's how his sex appeal hit you. His eyes, especially, so seductive...
** [[w:Lizabeth Scott|Lizabeth Scott]], in an interview by Carole Langer at Janet Leigh's home in 1996, recalling their scenes in the 1957 film &quot;Loving you&quot;.

* We went backstage and he told me he used to play me on the jukebox when he was in the Army in Germany. He admired the high tenor male voice – he was a baritone. I was and remain a huge fan of his. He was a phenomenon.
** [[w:Neil Sedaka|Neil Sedaka]] in an interview for the Nottingham Post, on October 30, 2014

* Little Richard, he was the first one that really got to me. He and, of course, Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Bob Seger|Bob Seger]] as noted in the Seger file, an unofficial web site about the music of Bob Seger, dated June 1999

* Lou Reed, Elvis Presley and Kurt Cobain.
** [[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]], wife of Roman Polanski and mother of Elvis Polanski, whom they named after Elvis, in an interview with VOIR's Patrick Baillargeon and published on their 20 de septiembre 2007 edition

* So when the city of Albany came to the conclusion that the house two doors down from my house was structurally terminal after years of neglect, they had to dump a ramp of dirt to allow the excavator to make the climb. It was a thing to behold: The two-track beast would tear away a portion of the front of the house — first the porch, which had been replaced almost a decade ago after it had degraded to a dangerous sag — and then plant its claw deep in the wreckage and haul itself a few feet higher, like a mountaineer with a pickax. By the time it reached the summit, the house had been reduced to a cross-section: see the bedroom, see the attic, see the bathroom where for decades its former residents shaved and showered through the Depression, World War II, the entire life of Elvis Presley and the demise of Skylab.
** Casey Seiler, for the [[w:Times Union (Albany)|Times Union]], in an article entitled It didn't have to happen, as published in their Friday, June 14, 2019 edition

* He is the Elvis of Racing 
** About [[w:Ayrton Senna|Ayrton Senna]], as noted by Salon Magazine in 2010. 

* Halfway through the show, he asked that the house lights be turned up. After that was done he stated that he had told them not to sell the seats to his back and, since they had, he turned around and did the last half facing those of us that had only seen his back for the first. He was a great singer and showman.
** Carol Sellers, recalling in Facebook the time Elvis performed at the Assembly Hall, now the [[w:State Farm Center|State Farm Center]] in Champaign, Illinois on October 22, 1976 and as referenced in a link contained in an article found at smileplitelicom's October 22, 2018 online edition.

* For any strategy to work, people first have to perceive vaccination as a normal part of life.  That is why public health officials, nonprofit groups and major brands are collaborating on nationwide public service campaigns and partnering with celebrities to make vaccine more visible. The model for the celebrity shot dates to 1956, when few teenagers were getting the year-old polio vaccine. Two critical things happened that fall to reverse the trend. First, 21-year-old Elvis Presley got the shot in front of cameras before “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Second, the March of Dimes launched a wildly successful peer-to-peer campaign among teen social groups. In short, it leveraged the cool kids, but it may not have gotten the cool kids without the King&quot;
** {{w|Frances Stead Sellers}}, Deputy National Health Editor for the Washington Post,  in a joint article with Bonnie Berkowitz and entitled &quot; These are the pro-vaccine messages people want to hear as published in their April 22, 2021 edition.

* Elvis would quote Peter Sellers’ lines from &quot;Pink Panther&quot; movies on tour. Things would be going crazy, and he would look at somebody and go, ‘Do you have rhoom?’ &quot; in Sellers’ Inspector Clouseau accent. Or, &quot;Does your dog bite?&quot;. Sellers, in turn, was a fan of Elvis, even playing in an Elvis-singing role in his last movie. &quot;The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu&quot;
** About actor [[w:Peter Sellers|Peter Sellers]]  and Elvis fascination for each other, as told by Elvis' bodyguard, Sam Thmopson, in an article published in the Las Vegas Review  Journal's  May 10, 2011 edition.

* The book, by contrast to &quot;White Rage&quot;, offers an extended view, spanning from pre-colonial plots to relocate Britain's human rubbish, to Thomas Jefferson's notion of “whiteness as an automatic badge of superiority,” to modern use of adjectives like “redneck,” “cracker” and “country boy,” such as in the specific case of Elvis Presley. Isenberg's greatest historical and sociological intervention is not just the idea that divide and stratification exist between races, or that such divisions habit within them, but that it has always been this way. American democracy has never accorded all the people a meaningful voice. The masses have been given symbols instead.
** [[w:John Semley|John Semley]], reviewing for the Globe and Mail, writer Nancy Isenberg's book &quot;White Trash&quot;, which according to the reviewer, undermines the myth of American exceptionalism and as published on November 29, 2016

* He valued his fans and he treated them with respect. If anybody had a reason to be arrogant it would be him, but it's a great lesson for other musicians and people in general and that is the better you get, the more humble you should be. His music resonated with everyone and that's what made him so special, like Elvis Presley or Mozart&quot;
** [[w:Jack Semple|Jack Semple]], Canadian blues musician, interviewed the day after the death of B.B. King, who influenced his career tremendously, and as published by The Leader Post, on May 15, 2015

* They have turned Soweto into a Disneyland for Nelson Mandela. They have tried to make him like Elvis Presley. Now with his death, so many foreigners will be going there, then they will say they have seen the real South Africa. Winnie will be there of course &quot;showing off&quot; how close she is to the poor of this country.....”
** Writer Kim Sepgunta's, sarcastic recollection of a friend's reaction to the death of [[w:Nelson Mandela|Nelson Mandela]], as reported on the day after the passing away of his former wife Winnie, in an article published on the Independent on April 3, 2018, entitled &quot;South Africans will pay their respects to Winnie Mandela despite her uneasy legacy&quot;

* I don't think there is a musician today that hasn't been affected by Elvis' music. His definitive years – 1954–57 – can only be described as rock's cornerstone. He was the original cool ii) That was the standard in my house, he's the only rock 'n' roll guy that dabbled in Christmas
** [[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], as published in www.graceland.com ii) referring to &quot;The Brian Setzer Orchestra's 13th Annual Christmas Rocks,&quot; a concert heavily influenced by Elvis 1957 Christmas Album, on 28 November 2016, as published by the Daily Press.

* It all started when an elderly American woman once asked me: &quot;Do people in South Africa know Elvis?&quot; &quot;Of course we South Africans know Elvis!&quot; I replied. Or do we, really? So, I went on to write a paper and, using a historiographic approach, I attempted to explore how his image was first imported into South Africa, especially during the Apartheid era when there was no television, and media censorship was a fact of daily life. Additionally, I tried to reflect on the impact of the media – then and now – in creating images, fantasies and illusions in constituting the subjectivity of the Elvis of real life and the Elvis of sound, stage and celluloid in the South African musical imaginary.
** {{w|Harry Sewlall}}, describing the chapter he dedicated to the impact of Elvis Presley in the South African musical imaginary as published in Acta Academica-s Volume 47, Number 2, January 1, 2015-s edition (pp. 54-71)

* Oh yeah, big timeǃǃ
** {{w|Shakira}}'s reply to to New Delhi TV's {{w|Prannoy Roy}} who asked her if she was an Elvis fan, like her father, during an appearance at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland on January 16, 2017.

* An economist called Elvis Presley, who's unfortunately deceased now but made a significant impact on economic thought, in one of his master treatises said: 'A little less conversation, a little more action, please. A little less fight and a little more spark...
** {{w|Tharman Shanmugaratnam}}, Singaporean Deputy Prime Minister, wrapping up the seminar he had moderated before heads of the world's central banks gathered at the International Monetary Fund and World Bank annual meetings in Nusa Dua, Bali, on Oct 14,

* So Brian, who I was producing then, and I went up to Las Vegas, and we're sitting there watching him and Elvis sings &quot;Runaway&quot;, then says that he liked to introduce me to the audience. So, the lights go all over trying to find me, and they can't, until Brian, who is a shy guy gets up and says, &quot;Heeeeeeeeeee's over heeeeeeeeeeeere&quot;, and points to me, next to him, in front of the thousands there. So I took a bow. Later we went backstage with him, for two hours and let me tell you, I have never seen a better looking guy in my life.
** [[w:Del Shannon|Del Shannon]], in a 1989 interview with sportscaster [[w:Bob Costas|Bob Costas]], recalling the midnight show of August 25, 1969 at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, when he and [[w:Brian Hyland|Brian Hyland]] caught Elvis' act, then met him backstage.

* I met him in New York during his 2nd appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in 1956. I was just out of the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]´s mailroom and still a very junior agent. That night, they held a press conference right before he went on so I went up to him and said, “Elvis, they’re ready for you.”. He said, “Yes sir. I’ll be right there, sir.” I was 24 and he was 21, and I said, “Sir! I’m from the Bronx. You’re the first person in the world to call me sir.” He was the sweetest guy. To this day, I cherish the fact that Elvis Presley was the first person ever to call me sir.
** [[w:George Shapiro|George Shapiro]], American talent manager and multiple Emmy and Golden Globe winning television producer, in an interview with Variety, as published on May 25, 2018.

* While many people assume it must have been a difficult slog for an Arab like me to gain acceptance in the Hollywood of the 1960s, I beg to differ. They treated me like a God. I had a beautiful house in Bel-Air, under me was this singer, what was his name, tall super nice guy, he was a very popular singer. I could see his swimming pool. Now I can't remember names of anybody, it's extraordinary. Wait, it was Elvis Presley! So I used to look and see if he had girls in the pool. LOL. And then he died young. I was in the Bel Air house when he died in Memphis, and suddenly the house under me was always empty....’
** [[w:Omar Sharif|Omar Sharif]], his memory failing some three years before his death at the age of 83, in an interview with TimeOut Bahrain and published on March 28, 2012.

* i) I spoke to over 140 songwriters whose work Presley recorded, and most remarked about his uncanny ability to capture the essence and make it his own; like a musical geneticist, he drew from every strand of DNA in a songwriter's work, which ultimately helped shape his own distinctive personal interpretation; just listen to the wide stylistic swath of genre-hopping material he recorded during his career – from Junior Parker's amphetamine-paced rockabilly classic &quot;Mystery Train&quot; and the poppin-perfect panache of Otis Blackwell's &quot;All shook up&quot;, to the down and dirty blues swagger of &quot;Reconsider baby&quot; and the operatic grandeur of &quot;It's now or never&quot;-; and then there were more controversial and socially conscious anthems (&quot;If I can dream&quot; and &quot;In the ghetto&quot;), and introspective 70's fare like &quot;Separate ways&quot; and &quot;Always on my my mind&quot;; right away, you can hear the breath of a master stylist who breathed new life into every song he cut&quot; ii) Growing up, Elvis Presley's quasi-gospel ballad &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot; was the first secular recording allowed inside the Pointer Sisters' strict Church of God in Christ home in West Oakland, California. Ruth, Anita, Bonnie, and June were only allowed to listen to the radio on Sundays. On top of that, it had to be gospel stations. Thank God their mom fancied that song. In an extensive 2006 interview one of the sisters, Anita, reflected on the fact that it was so unbelievable that someone like Elvis could relate to the story in their song 'Fairytale' and want to record it. She thought Elvis did it beautifully and very pleased with his version, capturing the emotion in the song as he did. Ruth Pointer, also spoke positively of Elvis's final album 'Moody Blue' and defended him against charges of any cultural appropriation
** Author Ken Sharp, in his book, &quot;Writing for the King: The songs and writers behind them&quot;, as published in American Songwriter.com

* He is a huge fan of Elvis Presley, even naming his own thirty bedroom mansion &quot;Graceland&quot; after Elvis's Memphis home
** Author Karl Shaw, in reference to Robert Mugabe, in his book &quot;The Mammoth Book of Tasteless and Outrageous Lists&quot;

* The Owensboro Police Department quickly responded to my accident in the Meijer parking lot on Sunday, where my dog Elvis, a purebred, had apparently put my truck into drive and hit another parked car. I posted a video on Facebook, explaining how Elvis had shifted the car into drive while trying to get to some bacon grease on the truck's dashboard. Alas, I had left the truck running and forgot to put the emergency brake on. which explained how the truck then rolled up at least four parking spaces, hitting a car parked nearby. Police said there were no charges, so Elvis and I got off scot-free.
** Paul Shearn, in a filmed interview with the Owensboro, KY, Police Department, as published in Facebook, on September 3, 2018 and one of many examples showing why Elvis continues to be one of the 100 most common names for purebred dogs, according to the [[w:American Kennel Club|American Kennel Club]]

* I loved him. There were two icons who changed our life in the 1950's, James Dean and Elvis. He was the first singer who was loved by both girls and guys. He brought us together, boys and girls, a revolutionary, had a profound effect on all of us, culturally, musically emotionally, spiritually, still miss him...
** [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]] in an 2002 interview for Elvis Lives.

* I used to watch the way he treated so many people with kindness and respect, the way he used to be so grateful to his fans. He used to say, &quot;Shari, when I wait backstage to go on and I hear all that screaming and I know it's for me, well, sometimes I feel as if my head is going to get real big with all that kind of fuss and stuff. Then I think that my dad drove a truck and that but for the grace of God I'd be drivin' one too. You have to have humility, Shari,&quot; he would tell me. &quot;You can never forget who put you where you are and how many people would like to change places with you&quot;.
** [[w:Sharon Sheeley|Sharon Sheeley]], songwriter for Glen Campbell, Ricky Nelson, Brenda Lee and her own former fiancé, Eddie Cochran, with whom she rode in a taxi headed for London, on April 16, 1960 which crashed taking Cochrane's life and seriously injuring Gene Vincent and her, in article published in the June 1959 issue of Photoplay.

* I think when I came out of the womb – I've been saying this but I mean it, you're born knowing who Elvis is. The name Elvis is just part of the fabric of humanity. He just is this thing that exists in the air, and contributed obviously so much to music. But I think he is the definition of what's cool.&quot;
** [[w:Blake Shelton|Blake Shelton]], as noted by G. Thompson in Popculture.country's February 6, 2019 edition

* Elvis Presley connects Tupelo, MS to the whole world, the opportunities for cultural and educational exchanges abounding. When I went to Germany, I only talked to two types of people there, those that have been to Tupelo and those that want to come to Tupelo. After learning more about the area, a German tour company decided to turn a day-trip detour from Memphis into an overnighter in the All-America City.Looking to the future, I hope to see continued expansion of the Germany tourist market. City officials there have also agreed to pursue a municipal friendship. I think my there trip certainly will justify the financial costs and will pay dividends for years to come.
** Jason Shelton, Mayor of {{w|Tupelo, Mississippi}}, interviewed both while preparing to leave for Germany, and upon his return, on the occasion of his negotiating the making of Bad Nauheim as a sister city to Tupelo, as published on the city's Daily Journal on July 18 and August 7, 2018, respectively.

* We never saw energy like that coming off a stage before and meeting Elvis afterwards I found him to be a friendly, happy guy. Nice to everyone&quot;.
** Top producer and guitarist [[w:Louis Shelton|Louis Shelton]], a member of the Musician's Hall of Fame known for his extraordinary recording session contributions to Ella Fitzgerald and Whitney Houston, amongst numerous others, answering a question on those who inspired him to become a musician, from an interview by John Reid on Jazz Radio.

* At the time, that was in 1972, I thought he was too old for me, but there was this chemistry between us. I felt a lot for him. I got to see him perform in Las Vegas — the greatest performer ever. I'm still really sad we lost him. I wish I could have been a closer friend to help save him. He was truly a kind and gentle man who never truly recovered from the death of his mother.
** [[w:Cybill Shepherd|Cybill Shepherd]], on her relationship with Elvis, as published in the Sedonas Red News on March 12, 2018

* He was the first person to truly believe in me as a musician and gifted me with my first tour bus. For the album I am doing “The Day Elvis Died” and “I Want to Live Like Elvis&quot;. He gave me words to live by as an artist and to this day, I haven't forgotten them. He told me that if anyone forgets where they came from they're never going to get to where they want to go. He also told me that it was the people who make you who you are, so if you stay true to them, they'll stay with you.
** Country music's [[w:T.G. Sheppard|T.G. Sheppard]], in an interview with the SC Times, as published on September 11, 2018.

* Graham never forgot his home state of North Carolina or the South, rivaling Coca-Cola and Elvis Presley as the region's top export.
** Journalist Yonat Shimrom's laud of the Reverend Billy Graham, in his obituary and as published in the News and Observer's edition of 21 February, 2018.

* We went in to scout the Hadooshi farm. We were gathering intelligence; there were quite a lot of buildings and compounds across the whole farm. We could see they were antsy. We went up to the gate, breached it. We caught them off guard. This one woman, she was just mean. Every time we walked through the garden, she went nuts. We noticed the garden was freshly dug. We started moving the dirt around, and we pulled up a big square riveted container. When we came across birth certificates, marriage licenses,  we knew it was significant. It was like looking for (and finding) Elvis.
**  Staff Sergeant Sean Shoffner, Scout platoon, 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry, 4th Infantry Division and one of the US Army soldiers who found the hiding place of [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]]. in reference to the fact the US Army's code name for Hussein was Elvis, as noted in an article entitled  &quot;Looking for Elvis&quot; , as published in Esquire's December 13, 2018 edition,

*  We all automatically wanted to dress like Elvis, look like Elvis, swagger, strut, and sneer like Elvis – and every snide remark from Aunt Mimi, our teachers, or the newspapers only served to reinforce our new idol's grip
** [[w:Pete Shotton|Pete Shotton]], UK enterprenuer and one of John Lennon's earliest friends in an article entitled  The Kings: Elvis Presley and The Beatles as published on the Beatlestory's August 27, 2020 edition

* Many communities have a “this celebrity slept here” story. As a mountain resort, Idyllwild residents can share many but perhaps the most told is the time Elvis Presley spent three weeks there in 1961 to film “Kid Galahad. Visitors, starting in 2018, can now tour &quot;The Hidden Lodge&quot;, built in 1947, one of five restored homes on the tour is one of many Idyllwild locations in “Kid Galahad. It’s the first time it’s been open to the public and it’s a lovely, lovely place. It was something the owners couldn’t pass up. The porch where Presley sang “This is Living” in the film is still intact. People will walk up, sit on the railing and strum their hand like they have a guitar. The home is an homage to Presley without going over the top. In fact, the tour is the Idyllwild Area Historical Society's lone fundraiser and usually draws hundreds of visitors..
** Craig Shultz, speaking about the Idyllwild Area Historical Society's 18th Annual Home Tour, to be held on Saturday, Sept. 15, 2018 at {{w|Idyllwild-Pine Cove, California}}, as reported by the Press Enterprise on September 10, 2018.

* I found him sensitive and very good. He felt he could have done better things. His advisors were very much against doing this kind of straight role and they tried to get him to sing throughout the picture. Obviously, they didn't want him to get off the winning horse. But when I was able to calm him down, I thought he gave a beautiful performance...
** [[w:Don Siegel|Don Siegel]], commenting on Rollingstone magazine his directing Elvis in Flaming Star.

* My uncle Bob was an Indiana hillbilly. He was the kind of guy who had a clear plastic suicide knob on the wheel of his two-tone Chevy, that featured a photo of a lady in a naughty cheesecake pose. Uncle Bob knew his Rock and Roll and all his nephews were all baptized in the church of Elvis. That early intervention saved me. Pat Boone may get to a higher place, but he should know before he goes that the Holy Ghost will have Elvis playing on heaven's record player
** [[w:John Sieger|John Sieger]], after discussing Elvis' powerful and majestic vocals in Crying in the Chapel, as published in Urban Milwaukee on May 17, 2017.

* He was the atomic bomb. Period.
** [[Gene Simmons]]'s laud of Elvis following the announcement made that KISS costumes are now being displayed in Graceland's &quot;Influence of Elvis Presley&quot; exhibit, as reported by Broadway World on May 16, 2017.

* This, I think, is as close to the &quot;real&quot; Elvis as we were ever permitted to glimpse during his lifetime, a funny, self-deprecatory star who loved to hack around with his guys, but who had no trouble reeling them back in when they started having a little too much fun. We, at home, watched and understood how lovable so many people thought he was. The show, when it aired, became one of the top-rated of 1968. Most of the TV critics of the time didn't get it, certainly not the way the show's producer and audience did, the critics being, frankly, rather bad stuck-in-the-mud old fogies and tired, bitter conscripts from elsewhere in the newsroom who were about to be superseded in the early '70's by a new generation of TV critics who had not only grown up with Elvis, but with TV itself
** Jeff Simon, reviewing for the [[w:Buffalo News|Buffalo News]] the 5 disc set commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the 1968 NBC TV Special &quot;Elvis&quot;, in an article entitled &quot;Maybe the greatest Elvis work has finally been released&quot; and published on December 5, 2018.

* The first time I heard his music, back in ’54 or ’55, I was in a car and I heard the announcer say, “Here’s a guy who, when he appears on stage in the South, the girls scream and rush the stage”. Then he played ‘That’s all right, mama’. I thought his name was about the weirdest I'd ever heard. I thought for sure he was a Black guy. Later on I grew my hair like him, imitated his stage act – once I went all over New York looking for a lavender shirt like the one he wore on one of his albums. I felt wonderful when he sang ‘Bridge over troubled water’, even though it was a touch on the dramatic side – but so was the song. It was unbelievable,and I thought to myself, how the hell can I compete with that?
** [[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]], whose all time favourite song is Elvis' Mystery Train, as published in wwwelvis.netwhattheysaytheysayframehtml

* But it wasn’t until 1958, when Elvis Presley teamed the item with brilliantine and attitude in the movie &quot;King Creole&quot;   that the jacket crossed over to Main Street and became a much-copied American staple.  Elvis always floated between Ivy League style and serious fashion and the Baeacuta G9 came in some great colors.  When Elvis wore it was called the &quot;Jivey Ivy&quot; ,   which was Ivy League with a twist.  After that almost every clothing company in the US copied it.
** [[w:Harrington jacket|John Simons]], UK men's wear retailer and stylemonger,  explaining how the Baracuta G9 jacket, first launched in Britain,    became famous in the US, then worldwide, as noted in an Yvy Style magazine  article dated September 9, 2013. 

* He is a huge Elvis fan, his favourite songs being ‘Jailhouse Rock’ and ‘Suspicious Minds, and he can move like Elvis
** About Carter Simpson, alpine skier in the 2019 Ontario's [[w:Special Olympics Canada|Special Olympics]], in an article published in sootodacom, on 29 November 2018 and entitled &quot;Carter loves skiing (and Elvis)&quot;

* By 1979, they were so prolific that Freddy was able to lounge in the bath in the [[w:Hotel Bayerischer Hof, Munich|Bayerischer Hof hotel]] in Munich, pick up a guitar – not his usual instrument – and bash out this globally successful tribute to Elvis Presley in 10 minutes. We are not worthy.
** Dave Simpson, reviewing for the Guardian the song &quot;Crazy Little Thing Called Love&quot;, which he ranked #17 in his list of the top 50 UK singles by [[w:Queen (band)|Queen]] in an article published on 27 October 2018.

* He rarely over-sang when recording, delivering a vocal to suit the song. So, he can loudly accuse in &quot;Hound Dog&quot; (1956), rasp and rage for &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; (1957), bare his soul and beg on &quot;Any Day Now&quot;(1969) and sound quietly, sadly, worldly-wise on &quot;Funny How Time Slips Away&quot;. (1970). This gift may explain why his music endures so powerfully and why his performances remain so easy to hear.
** Paul Simpson, in his book &quot;The Rough Guide to Elvis&quot;.

* Elvis' songs can be heard everywhere worldwide, which is perhaps why everyone is familiar with his voice. When you hear a deep tuneful voice with a Southern drawl in a rock 'n' roll song, it can't be anyone but Elvis (in spite of that voice actually being that of someone else &quot;successfully&quot; mimicking him).
** Matthew Simpson, in his article &quot;The Top 10 distinct voices in music&quot;, for ask.men (2007)

* Remembering the legend and the super energetic actor who carved an extraordinary niche for himself, especially for his grooving dancing style. He was ahead of his times in everything and was the first among contemporaries to have mastered the internet. He was truly deserving of the title 'Elvis Presley of India'
**[[w:Shatrughan Sinha|Shatrughan Sinha]]'s laud of Indian superstar [[w:Shammi Kapoor|Shammi Kapooron]] the 87th anniversary of his birth in an interview with The Quint and published on October 21, 2018.

*At the risk of being sad for two seconds, I drink a toast to a wonderful fellow who left yesterday and did much for American Music. I knew him for maybe 12 or 14 years and we know, what he did in his career, but I knew him as a man, a gentle, good, fine man, gracious and generous in every sense of the word. Things which people never heard about him helping organizations, and children's hospitals but I knew all about that. He was some kind of cat and I hope God's good to him. ii) I am just a singer. Elvis was the embodiment of the whole American culture. Life just wouldn't have been the same without him. There have been many accolades uttered about his talent and performances through the years, all of which I agree with wholeheartedly. I shall miss him dearly as a friend.
**[[w:Frank Sinatra|Frank Sinatra]] i) Words spoken by Mr. Sinatra upon hearing of Presley's death, while on stage, courtesy of Mr. Sinatra's official fan page and ii) http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html and by Houston press

* My heart melted when I saw him in person but when he and my dad met for the taping, they were both nervous...
**[[w:Nancy Sinatra|Nancy Sinatra]], remembering the moments they shared with Elvis and his father, in Miami.

* You were either brought up on the Beatles or Elvis. I was raised on Elvis, and every song he sang, every film he was in and every move he made is part of my DNA.
** [[w:Jason Singh|Jason Singh]] Australian singer and musician formerly with the band [[w:Taxiride|Taxiride]], explaining for noiseeleven why he became a singer, as published on their May 6, 2019 edition.

* During that last show in Indianapolis, he was on stage for an hour and a half. He included his own hits, pertinent covers and classic rock ’n’ roll, and there was a crescendo of gospel which was always a showstopper. It was a special show. He sang his heart out. Having only seen Elvis on stage in Las Vegas in previous years in front of an audience of 2,200 people the atmosphere was equally electrifying in front of 18,000, and the whole audience erupted when he announced that amongst them were 250 Brits.
**Todd Slaughter, President of Elvis Presley Fan Club of Great Britain since August 1967, speaking about the last time he saw Elvis perform, which was also his last, in an interview with the Big Issue published on August 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley has a very definite form of dance rhythm and this may well be what creates the hysteria.
**[[w:Mia Slavenska|Mia Slavenska]], Croatian-born prima ballerina and star performer for New York's Metropolitan Opera, in an interview for the Toronto Sun in April of 1957.

* After the show, we were headed out and about 20 feet in front of us, there were Elvis and his crew heading out also. Somebody right behind him yelled...faggot.. Elvis turned around and punched him in the face. Now that was funny..I was really glad I saw him do that. I would have probably done the same thing.
**[[w:Foy Slayton|Foy Slayton]], recalling the night he attended the then 21-year-old Elvis's show in San Diego, on April 5, 1956, as published in the Grants Pass Daily Courier on December 28, 2016.

* Most singers have their idols. I remember Elvis Presley when I was about sixteen, I always said I wanted to do 'Love Me Tender.'
**[[w:Percy Sledge|Percy Sledge]], as noted in brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley_2.html

* It's like Ron Howard trying to be the Fonz. It's hard for an English rap artist to have that kind of a cool &quot;Fonzie&quot; effect to Americans and a wide-variety audience. So either you have to go a comical route or something, a Pee Wee Herman-route. I don't know, something! You've got to come with something other than trying to be Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Slick Rick|Slick Rick]], UK born rapper, on his struggle to connect the U.K. to America when it comes to hip-hop, in an article published by Billboard on May 20, 2018.

* Each singer (of the so-called folk variety), is recognized as much from its characteristic sound, as from what they actually sing or play, and they manipulate tone colour with a virtuosity that owes nothing to either the classical, or the Tin Pan Alley tradition; one thinks, for example, of the voice of Elvis Presley, an expressive vehicle, shifting from high to low tones, groaning, sluring, and producing breathless changes of rhythm; to many listeners, the voice may have seemed crude, but its folk immediately resided in its crudeness.
** Christopher Small, in his book &quot;Music, Society, and Education&quot;, published in 1996

* I was in Holland and our dressing room was next door to the one being used by the supergroup [[w:The Last Shadow Puppets|The Last Shadow Puppets]]. Anyways, I went to the toilet and who walks in but [[w:Alex Turner (musician)|Alex Turner]]? He is a hero of mine and, to me, he looked like Elvis Presley...
** Radio X's [[w:Gordon Smart|Gordon Smart]], on the night he met Alex Turner, occasional member of the Last Shadow Puppets, and frontman for the [[w:Artic Monkeys|Artic Monkeys]]

* What's better than Jaden Smith rapping about Elvis Presley and driving around with Harry Potter in the most surreal of ways? Well, Jaden Smith rapping about Elvis Presley and driving around with Harry Potter in the most surreal of ways and with only other voices as his accompaniment.
** About Will Smith's son [[w:Jaden Smith|Jaden Smith]]'s &quot;U&quot;,   a song included on his first album entitled &quot;Syre&quot;, in an article by Hilary Hughes as published in MTV News on December 28, 2017.

* The medium of TV and the birth of Elvis came at exactly the same time. Before, it didn't matter as much what you looked like, with radio or records. With Elvis, it was the whole package.
** John W. Smith Curator at the [[w:Andy Warhol Museum|Andy Warhol Museum]] in Pittsburgh, PA, describing the impact of Elvis during the first-time-ever exhibit of Warhol's &quot;Elvis X 11&quot;, as part of a show entitled 'Where is Elvis? The Man and His Reflection' , as noted by Leslie Rubinkowski of wwwelviscomau on June 14, 2003

*  I’m taking my momma to see it. In the words of Elvis himself “Thank you very much!” 
** [[w:Kevin Smith|Kevin Smith]]'s laud of Baz Luhrmann's 2022 biopic &quot;Elvis&quot; 

* I worked in a credit store and he came in to open an account. I asked his name and he wouldn't give it to me if I didn't give him mine first. LOLː Same with the phone, the address. LOL. Anyways, that's how I met him, and then he introduced me to his first cousin Gene, and it all started from there. Years later he and all his entourage were at a Cadillac dealership in downtown Memphis. It was Xmas. He gave each and every one of them a Caddy and, as he was waiting for a special Caddy he had ordered he saw an African American lady who was waiting for her husband to pick her up. So finally he shows up, with a cranky Concord. It was then that Elvis asked her how a lady of her age was s still working.And the lady said that was how all the bills would be paid, rent, etc. So, when his car finally arrived there, he gives her the car he had ordered. With all the commotion, everyone had left, the lady left, left the Concord there, and Elvis was standing in the middle of Beale Street, alone, in the middle of the night. He saw a light in a nearby store, so he asked the African American who was there cleaning to give him a ride home, as all his friends had left, and so had the African American lady, he explained. Willie, that was his name, who didn't know who Elvis was at first, told him that if he waited, he would take him to Graceland but warned him his car did not have seats in the back and that the one in the passenger side, up front, was broken, so Elvis told him he will sit anywhere to get home. Once there he asked him for his address and work number, as he didn't have a home phone. The next day Willie was invited to Graceland and when he came in, he drove there with a brand new car...
** Louise Smith, the widow of Elvis' first cousin Gene Smith, recalling the time Elvis gave away twp cars to two African Americas in less than 24 hours, as told in an interview on January,7 2019, in Memphis.

* A lot of Presley's good stuff was overlooked. Like the NME viewpoint that he died when he came out of the army. I think the opposite, his best stuff came after the army.  Look,  Elvis was the King right? To me, Elvis IS King 'cos he sustained it
** [[w:Mark E Smith|Mark E. Smith]], as excerpted from a NME 1989 conversation between him  Nick Cave and Shane McGowan and dubbed as &quot;The Pop Summit.

* i)The Houston Rodeo people didn't want us to come. There was a message sent to leave the black girls, they didn't need the black girls. And so Elvis responded with, 'Well if they don't come, I don't come'. But he was really upset about it. There was one person in particular who had sent the message. So when we got there, we were greeted by this little blonde in a convertible and she had to drive us around and she was his daughter. So Elvis always made sure he got even. I'm sure he said, 'And I want your daughter to drive them'. But, when it was happening we didn't know. We learned that later ii) When in true form, he was fabulous, his voice and vocal pitch a lot more remarkable than it ever came off on record; in fact, Elvis was a much better singer than could ever be captured; you know, some singers' voices are just too big, and Elvis' was like that.
** [[w:Myrna Smith|Myrna Smith]], singer of the gospel group &quot;The Sweet Inspirations&quot;, who performed with Elvis for a number of years in the last phase of his career, as published in i) an interview with ElvisAustralia ii) an article entitled &quot;Elvis, musical prodigy&quot; in www.elvis.com.au, on 6 July 2000

* To me, Bob Dylan always represented rock'n'roll – I never thought of him as a folk singer or poet or nothing. I just thought he was the sexiest person since Elvis Presley
**[[w:Patty Smith|Patty Smith]], in an interview in 1996 with Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore and as published on FarOut magazine's November 22, 2018 edition

* It was at age 13, in 1977, when I would discover my real passion while watching the live TV coverage of Elvis Presley's funeral. I liked the immediacy of it all, and I knew right then I wanted to do that someday...
** [[w:Shepard Smith|Shepard Smith]], Fox News principal breaking news anchor, detailing what made him decide to become a newsman, in an interview published a nikkiswiftcom on October 29, 2018.

* Elvis Presley came to Weeki Wachee. He could have gone anywhere, but he came here. He was so good looking and he was this total, ultimate Southern gentleman. He had each one of us come up and he presented to us his latest record. He signed mine 'Warmest wishes, to Vicki. Elvis Presley&quot;. I always tell the audience before each show that I did swim, as a mermaid, for Elvis Presley and that he was so cute! But so was I in 1961!&quot;
** Vickie Smith, in 2018, the oldest living performer at the [[w:Weeki Wachee Springs|Weeki Wachee Springs]]'s Mermaid show, in an article published at NBC's News Channel 8 on July 31, 2018.

* Older than Red State versus Blue State, older than the Montagues versus the Capulets, humankind’s primal combat is the age-old conflict between the Early Birds and the Night Owls. Early Birds are those who for some reason think a sunrise is one of life’s great experiences. At their helm is Benjamin Franklin, who famously said, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”. Night Owls are those who believe the pleasure of staying up late is exceeded only by that of sleeping in the next morning—or the next afternoon, if it comes to that. Their hero is Elvis Presley, who famously said, “The sun’s down and the moon’s pretty; it’s time to ramble.”
** Martin Snapp, writing for the University of California's [[w:California magazine|California magazine]], in an article entitled &quot;What’s The Deal with Daylight Saving Time? as published on October 30, 2018.

* He was causing riots wherever he went. On May 5, 1955, he was chased at intermission and across the field by a pack of women at Ladd Stadium in Mobile, right after he finished singing, which had been set to start before intermission....
** [[w:Jimmy Rodgers Snow|Jimmy Rodgers Snow]], son of Hank Snow and as told to Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick

* Chris Richards should look up the accomplishments of Elvis Presley. Presley did more to further black music than any artist on the planet. He made it acceptable and paved the way. Almost all rock historians agree. Richard's article quoted an obscure obscenity from one racist musician but did not include even one of hundreds of positive quotes from his rivals of the day, who loved Presley and his uniting spirit.
** Sonya Lynn Snyder, of Palm Coast, FL, in a letter to the Editor of the [[w:Washington Post|Washington Post]], published on November 30, 2018, in which she issues a strong critique of the writer's narrative in an article entitled, “With Medal of Freedom for Elvis, Trump sends a message” and dated November 16, 2018.

* In some ways, the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals (SDG's) can already be called a success due to its democratic accountability and the active involvement of civil society, but I would like to quote the famous philosopher Elvis Presley, in one of whose timeless hits he asked for “A little less conversation, a little more action -please”. So let's listen to Elvis – and act now!
** Norwegian Prime Minister [[w:Erna Solberg|Erna Solberg]], from her speech at the UN on how best to make the SDGs work, as published by Norway's mission to the UN on September 25 2015.

* If one goes to the Licensing Convention in Las Vegas, the three most iconic images of the 20th century are Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Muhammad Ali.
**[[w:Michael W. Sonnenfeldt|Michael W. Sonnenfeldt]], US entrepreneur, philantrophist and political activist, as noted in a Bloomberg/Quint article published on their December 15 2018 online edition.

* Imagine growing up in post-war Britain. Ration coupons. Rain-slick streets. Bombed-out terraces of dingy brick. And then, shimmering on the horizon, the prospect of salvation: American popular culture. Who needs spirit-sapping austerity when Elvis Presley can cheer you up?
**[[w:Alastair Sooke|Alastair Sooke]], English art critic and broadcaster, in reference to UK Pop Artist [[w:Peter Blake (artist)|Peter Blake]]'s 1959 painting &quot;Girls with their hero&quot;, in his review for the Telegraph of the &quot;Pop Art in a Changing Britain&quot; exhibit, by the Pallant House, and as published on February 21, 2018.

* As with Marilyn, Liz and Marlon, Warhol instinctively understood the Elvis brand as an industrialized construct and radically revealed it as a precisely composed non-reality. Of course Elvis offered Warhol the biggest brand of all, and he accentuates this by choosing a manifestly contrived version of Elvis-the-film-star, rather than the raw genius of Elvis as performing Rock n' Roll pioneer.
** Auction house [[w:Sotheby|Sotheby]]'s laud of Elvis, as detailed in their catalogue prior to the sale of Andy Warhol's &quot;Double Elvis&quot; which went under the hammer for US37.5 million on May 9, 2012

* Don't get too hot and bothered. We have heard some expressions of annoyance among the older set over the current teenage rage, a young hillbilly entertainer named Elvis Presley. We were about to identify Mr. Presley more explicitly as a singer, but out of deference to sensitive feelings we chose the less controversial noun. Elvis puts on the most active act on TV, contorting his face and body as though in great pain, whomping the daylights out of his defenceless guitar, and uttering unintelligible shrieks and groans. The latter manifestations, preserved on phonograph records, are selling like mad. A good many parents seem fearful for the future of American youth if it can see merit in Mr. Presley's aggravated assaults on the musical idiom. We would remind such worriers of their own youth. Don't they recall their parents threatening to smash the loud speaker of the battery radio if Rudy Vallee megaphoned the 'Maine Stein Song' through it once again? Or fretting over juvenile appreciation for Cab Calloway's scat lyrics? But somehow the youngsters of yesterday grew up to be the sensible citizens of today, and now Rudy's crooning and Cab's hi-de-hi sound sort of pleasantly old-fashioned. So brace up, parents of '56. In another 20 years Elvis Presley really won't seem so bad, and your grown-up teenagers will be biting their nails over the entertainment sensation of '76.&quot;
** Southwestersontario's 1956 take on the advent of Elvis Presley and predictions of his taming, as published on August 20, 2018.

* So you went into this movie really tuned...
** [[w:Kevin Spacey|Kevin Spacey]], answering a reporter who said she never liked Nixon or Elvis, as recorded on their press conference on May 6, 2016.

* I think Elvis is the sexiest man to ever walk the earth. I love him.
** [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* The budget is $269 million and Montpetit thinks it will finish under budget. We’re in the middle of a resurgence in the capital, and called the old train station part of a cultural landscape, a national landscape that once saw soldiers leave for war and return years later and one that welcomed Winston Churchill, the Emperor of Japan, and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tom Spears|Tom Spears]], for the Ottawa Citizen, in an article its old conference centre slowly becoming the Canadian Senate

* He's a great singer. Gosh, Elvis is so great. You have no idea how great he is, really, you don't. You have absolutely no comprehension—it's absolutely impossible. I can't tell you why he's so great, but he is. He's sensational. He can do anything with his voice. Elvis can make some masterful records and can do anything. He can sing any way you want him to...
** [[w:Phil Spector|Phil Spector]], record producer, the originator of the &quot;Wall of Sound&quot; technique in an interview with Rollingstone magazine in 1969.

* The “Hamilton” fiasco, with members of the hit Broadway show berating Vice President-elect Mike Pence from the stage, brought to mind another New York event from 44 years ago, when entertainers – at least some of them – had a vastly different idea of their place in American culture. On June 9, 1972, Elvis Presley, about to perform a series of sold-out concerts at Madison Square Garden, held a press conference. It being 1972, it was inevitable that he would be asked about what was then a new phenomenon: the politicization of the arts. One questioner asked him, “Mr. Presley, as you’ve mentioned your time in the service, what is your opinion of war protesters and would you today refuse to be drafted?”Elvis answered: “Honey, I’d just sooner keep my own personal views about that to myself cause I’m just an entertainer and I’d rather not say. Asked next “Do you think other entertainers should also keep their personal views to themselves, he answered: “No, I can’t even say that!” Elvis was right. The cast of “Hamilton,” and the legions of their virtue-signaling followers are wrong. Elvis, unlike them, grasped that audiences might enjoy “Heartbreak Hotel” or “Suspicious Minds,” or “Hamilton” or any other work of art of any genre, without necessarily subscribing to, or caring about, or even knowing, the political views of the artist. . The performing arts are growing increasingly politicized, and that is why it is harder and harder to find apolitical entertainers like Elvis. It will take performers of courage to remember that no one own the culture, and to regain the spirit of Elvis and go back to being simply entertainers. Until those performers emerge, the stage and screen will find their audiences steadily diminishing, and fewer and fewer political enemies in the audience to lecture. If the “Hamilton” cast doesn't want them around, there are plenty of Elvis records to play to while away the evening.
** [[w:Robert Spencer|Robert Spencer]], for Canadian Free Press, published on 22 November, 2016

* It remains a camp and cult classic and was one of my favourite films during my formative years.
** Multi-Oscar winning Director [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]], referring to Elvis' 1963 MGM film &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot;, which he saw as a then 17 year old film student, and as published in neraroramacom

* Even as a young man, that's what Presley sounded, like a man. I wasn't of a culture nor a region that found Presley appealing, and I've never seen a Presley movie through but, a few years ago when in a tribute to him various modern singers covered some of his originals, followed, or enclosed by, his versions of the same songs, I was struck by how much fuller, deeper, and richer his were.
** Al Spike, explaining to North Africans why Presley's manly baritone rang true, in the web`s &quot;Chicago Boyz&quot;.

* I was sitting at a writing desk in a hotel lobby writing a letter, and he just came up to me and started talkin How could you not know who he was even then?. I was friendly and told him I loved his record, Heartbreak Hotel.Then he took me  to the gift shop to show me a magazine.  This says I'm a hillbilly. I'm not, am I?' he  said, 'No, you're a singer.' And after that I was with him and the guys all the time. There wasn't a crowd then, just a few guys. Back then,Elvis was surrounded by the first wave of what would become known as the Memphis MafiaI was the only woman in the group.  Girls come and go but sisters stay forever. This sister lasted forever. We were friends till the day he died. We werelike kids in 1956 In the afternoons in Las Vegaswe would ride bumper cars at an amusement parkand  went out for adventures wherewecould escape the crwds. He loved the fact that I had a light blue Cadillac, and he bought the same car for his mother in pink. One day we drove my car out into the desert, and his cousin came with us. Elvis drove that car as fast as it could go, and I was in the front seat whooping and screaming and laughing. His cousin was on the floor in the back he was so scared. But I'd been a stunt player in the movies, and Elvis couldn't go fast enough to scare me. When they visited Graceland, westayed up all night listening to Elvis singing and playing the piano. He liked to sing hymns. I didn't know any hymns, but I do now. He introduced me to Amazing Grace.&quot;  in Los Angeles, where Elvis made movies, I remember going out on a Sunday with him and his friend, actor Nick Adams.Elvis decided to stop in a sports store and buy us bows and arrows. It was just whimsy. We went up to Mulholland Drive and were shooting bows and arrows, and nobody saw us. When his mother, Gladys, died in 1958, Judy came to the funeral. I've never seen anyone as sad as Elvis was. He grieved. He cried continuously. We were in the front hall at Graceland, and he stood there hugging me for a half-hour. He was crying and crying and crying. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.In later years, I attended his Las Vegas concerts, and he would stop the show to introduceme to the audience. I had married by then and so had he. By the time drugs invaded his life,I  was less involvedI never think of him as he was the last year or year and a half,&quot; I think of him as so vibrant and beautiful and funny. When he died, a whole part of my life changed, and I died a little.&quot;
**[[w:Judy Spreckels|Judy Spreckels]], a close friend of Elvis, and the former wife of Hawaiian based Sugar Baron Adolph B. Spreckels Jr, in an interview with TIME, as published in its August 20, 1958 edition.Elvis' as wel as in aarticle n the Ag published on August 13, 2002

* I'd seen Elvis seated on first class as I entered the plane, so when he came to the coach section before the plane landed and went up and down the aisle signing autographs to all of us there I said “Hey, would you sign this for my girlfriend Allison, you know, Steve Binder manages me,” and he said, “Yes, Yes, I love Steve, Steve’s great,” It didn't then mean much to me (1972), but it was all pretty cool and he was a very sweet guy. In fact, I wasn't a big Elvis fan at the time, but I am now.
** Australian singer and songwriter [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]], recalling his meeting Elvis, who he feels is one half of the most celebrated couple of individuals he ever met, the other being Paul McCartney. In Elvis' case, it was on a commercial airplane Springfield's had taken en route to his native Australia but with a layover in Hawaii where Elvis was headed for a vacation in May of 1972. Abridged from two interviews, one published by the AV Club's online page on April 2 of 2016, the other from the Chicago Tribune, dated December 01, 2011, where Springfield recounted how his girlfriend was later crushed, the autograph never reaching her, stolen as it was a bit afterwards along with a a recorder he always travelled with, during that long, long Springfield flight from Los Angeles.

* i) FUN ... it is waiting for you, Mr. and Mrs. Everyday American, and guess what? It is your birthright,” writes Springsteen of that galvanic Elvis moment. Springsteen’s familiar stage voice, his corny carny barker way with action verbs, leaps from the page in assessing what Elvis promised: “The life-blessing, wall-destroying, heart-changing, mind-opening bliss of a freer, more liberated existence. ii) Somewhere in between the mundane variety acts on a routine Sunday night in the year of our Lord 1956, THE REVOLUTION HAS BEEN TELEVISED iii) There have been a lotta tough guys. There have been pretenders. And there have been contenders. But there is only one king.iv)it was like he came along and whispered some dream in everybody’s ear, and somehow we all dreamed it. ii) When I heard it, it just shot straight through to my brain. And I realized, suddenly, that there was more to life than what I'd been living. I was then in pursuit of something and there'd been a vision laid out before me. You were dealing with the pure thrust, the pure energy of the music itself. I was so very young but it still hit me like a thunderbolt.
**[[w:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]], in his autobiography, &quot;Born to Run&quot; published in 2016 ii) explaining why Elvis' version of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; is one of the eight songs he would take ti a desert island, as revealed to the BBC4, in an article published in Rolling Stone magazine's edition of 17 December 2016.

* The way that I would entertain my family was via impersonations, and I had this very strange combination of who I would do: Yasser Arafat and Elvis Presley. That's just who I impersonated as a seven-year-old. My family was like, ‘Oh, these are good,’ and they would all laugh. I think it made them think I would be an actor.
** Ariel Stachel, Israeli actor currently starring in the off Broadway hit musical [[w:The Band's Visit (musical)|The Band's Visit]], as published in broadway com, on December 4, 2017.

* Elvis Presley's  Suspicious Minds and Cant help falling in love.........
** Stacey of the Stacey &amp; JSbu South African  radio duo,  focussing on her top two choices for Father's day, as noted in an article entitled &quot; Stacey &amp; JSbu share their Father's Day Playlists&quot;, as published on Zambia's [[w:East Coast Radio (South Africa)|East Coast Radio]]'s June 21, 2020 edition.

* I asked him if he wanted me to pull up. He said, 'No.' I said, 'Are you sure? I could leave a welt.' He replied, 'That's OK.' So I belted him. That slap you hear in the film was not put in afterward – that was the slap.&quot;
** [[w:Joan Staley|Joan Staley]], remembering the scene where she was called to slap Elvis across the face as noted in the 2001 book Fantasy Femmes of Sixties Cinema.

* Evis called and said that he liked to screen &quot;Rocky&quot;, and that he was going to rent a theater in Memphis so that we could watch the film together. And I didn't go. I was shy, believe it or not. And I remember, when he died in 1977, I was doing &quot;F.I.S.T&quot;. So now I try to instill in my children: Grab something when it's offered.
** [[w:Sylvester Stallone|Sylvester Stallone]], recalling the time he almost got to meet Elvis, in an interview with Michael Hainey as published in GQ's September 2010 edition

* Elvis Presley was my rock ’n’ roll favorite, bigger than life to me. No one had seen somebody that looked like that or moved like that, not in staid, suburban, white society
** Musician [[w:Michael Stanley|Michael Stanley]], as noted in Cleveland magazine's April 29, 2019 edition

* If Elvis were playing through a stack of amplifiers, he would be called a heavy metal singer today. The problem is some of the kids who grew up loving everything he stood for, are now journalists who have become what they feared most, parents. No one name says more than his, ELVIS. It roars while others whisper.
** [[w:Paul Stanley|Paul Stanley]], of the band Kiss, in an article published in People magazine's October 31, 1988 edition.

* It's because you reminded me so much of Robert. He was gorgeous, and so are you...
** Actress [[w:Barbara Stanwyck|Barbara Stanwyck]], explaining to Elvis, on the set of&quot;Roustabout&quot;, why she didn't like him at first, Elvis' physical appearance somewhat reminding her of her second failed marriage, namely with actor Robert Taylor, from an interview with Sonny West, who was present at the Paramount stage when the conversation took place.

* I credit my sister Cleedy and my father for the Staple Singers, because Pops would have her singing in a minor. Her soprano was different from anybody else's. And Pops had on his guitar a tremolo. He went to the music store one day, and he came back with this tremolo. I was too young to know who he was, but Elvis Presley told me one time, “I like the way your father plays guitar. He plays a nervous guitar.” I said, “Nervous?! That’s the first time I heard that.” But that was a good name for it. Nervous. Our sound was so unique. What helped Elvis was that when he did interviews, he would tell that he got it from blacks'
** [[w:Mavis Staples|Mavis Staples]], American rhythm and blues and gospel singer, actress, and civil rights activist, reminiscing about Elvis̪ roots, as published in elvisin australiacom

* My mom brought me home from the hospital after my birth with the radio off. This, she told me, was so when we got home and she danced me around to Elvis Presley's “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You,” it was the first musician I would ever hear.
** Seth Stapleton, writing for the [[w:Huron Daily Tribune|Huron Daily]]'s Saturday, April 21, 2018 edition in the award winning article &quot;A Pilgrimage to the King&quot;.

* Return to sender...
** Words engraved in [[w:Freddie Starr|Freddie Starr]]'s coffin, as noted by the BBC on June 13, 2019.,

* If I fly in, can you arrange seating arrangements at one of his shows?
** [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]]'s request to Ken Mansfield, who had formerly been the US manager of Apple Records, to arrange for him to attend an Elvis show on the last week of January of 1970, at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Starr flew from Los Angeles, CA after Mansfield acted on his request, and they saw the show, but only Ringo was later allowed to meet with Presley personally, as told in the Beatles Bible, on June 20, 2017.

* I didn't know him personally, but I was a fan of his, loved his music, energy and his voice: he had that fast vibrato that was so nice. At that time you weren't allowed to express yourself in those ways, so they showed him from the waist up, not the waist down. I mean, he was a little sexy guy! I was a little kid, but I asked 'Why won't they show all of him?' He would wiggle all the way down, and the girls would be screaming, and when I saw him on TV, I would be screaming too! And I loved the way his hair would shake when he got so emotional, you know? So when I got the chance to do his music, I welcomed it. (The racist controversy) never troubled me, because he wrote me a note. it was at the time I was divorcing Clarence Carter, and my stuff ended up all over the place, so I don't know what happened to the note, Back then I didn't think anything of it – I thought he would live forever but he told me he really, really, really loved my version of 'In The Ghetto&quot;. I have no idea where it is after all this time. Back then I didn't think anything of it – I thought he would live forever.”
** Soul singer [[w:Candi Staton|Candi Staton]] commenting on their duet video in an interview with Simon Price, from Oct 16 2014

* I think the chances of that are roughly the same of Elvis Presley walking in here right now.
** [[w:James Stavridis|James Stavridis]], Retired Navy Admiral and former NATO supreme allied commander. on the possibilities of nuclear war with North Korea actually taking place, in an interview for VOX on 28 September, 2017.

* Elvis was my first massive record obsession. I didn’t quite move like him, but I use to dress up as him sometimes as a kid
** UK singer [[w:Stealth|Stealth]]'s answer to Eileen Shapiro on who was his first musical influence, in an interview for the Huffington Post published on 16 March 2017.

* Finally, he wove into ‘Hound Dog’ and bounced off the stage, carrying the mike with him. There, on the 50-yard-line, he sank to his knees, rose, wove, bumped, ground and sank again, time after time. The girls screamed themselves silly. If that may have been obscene, but it was in the same way the climax of a revival meeting is obscene. Elvis worked himself over to the grass alongside the stage, sank almost out of sight and suddenly slipped into the waiting Cadillac. A motorcycle cop roared out in front, the car drove off and quickly the bowl's overhead lights were turned on. The shrieks became groans of disappointment. But the ball was over, the spell was broken. Noisily, the fans began filing out of the stadium, spent.
** William Steif, writer for the &quot;San Francisco News&quot;, on assignment at the Dallas [[w:Cotton Bowl (stadium)|Cotton Bowl]] to find out, as he put it, &quot;what makes Elvis tick&quot; and as published in that newspaper on October 13, 1956.

* My father, [[w:Herbert Stein|Herbert Stein]] was at the time Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers and worked at the White House, often took me for lunch there where top dogs were allowed to have delicious meals, served by Navy Mess NCOs. We saw many famous people there, but one day, roughly three years before I myself started working there, he leaned towards me confidentially and said, “If you saw Elvis Presley in person, would you recognize him?” “I think so,” said I. “Well, look behind you.” I swiveled my hairy head around, and to my total shock, there was Elvis Presley eating with President Richard Nixon's Chief of Staff, [[w:Bob Haldeman|Bob Haldeman]] a much feared but extremely pleasant and smart man. I got up, made my excuses to Mr. Haldeman, and said to Elvis, “Sir, everyone in the world is your fan, but I am your biggest fan.” In a voice and with a phrase that is incredibly famous, he simply said, “Thank yew ver’ much.” I was dazed. But I did not forget. And if you were to ask me to cite a lesson from it, it would be a line from a great [[w:Joan Didion|Joan Didion]] novel called &quot;Play It As It Lays: “You can’t win if you’re not at the table.” “Connections are golden.” Well worth remembering.
**[[w:Ben Stein|Ben Stein]], explaining how his telling that story, over the years, led to his playing the role of the professor in John Hughes's “Ferris Bueller’s Day off&quot;, as published in the American Spectator's March 16, 2015 edition in an article entitled &quot;Love is strange, but so was the effect of meeting Elvis&quot;

* Actually, he was an easy-going guy. No putting on airs, like he was some big star. An ordinary person, very polite, very obliging, a wonderful man, when I look back on it. It's a shame he had to go so soon.”
** Karl-Heinz Stein, barber at [[w:Ray Barracks, Friedberg, Germany|Ray Barracks]] in Friedburg, who cut Elvis hair three times a month during his 17 month stay with the US Army in Germany, as published on the German way-s online page.

* Elvis is like a bull in the ring. He belongs to the crowd—and they refuse to let him go.
** Shifra Stein, writing a review of one of Elvis̪ last concert as published on the [[w:Kansas City Times|Kansas City Times]]' June 20, 1977 edition,

* An oldies station was on the radio and it was playing that old Elvis song, 'I Want You, I Need you, I love you&quot; so  I just started singing my own song but it was 'I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.' I remember going home and I tried so hard but the best I could do was: 'I want you, I need you,   but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad'   So it was still a twist but it was my closest to a simple song, and one Elvis could have done.
**[[w:Jim Steinman|Jim Steinman]],  on how he wrote Meat Loaf's &quot;Two Out of Three Ain't Bad! as published on Smooth Radio's on the day after Meatloaf's passing ( 21 January 2022 edition),   

* Certainly the most famous performer to be attached to a tongues-speaking fellowship was Elvis Presley; shortly after the Presleys arrived in Memphis, from Tupelo, a First Assembly of God bus swung through their rundown neighborhood, so they climbed aboard and became regulars of Pastor James Hamill's congregation; Hamill remembers Elvis attended Sunday school and was exposed there to the best in Pentecostal music; in 1957, after he achieved international acclaim, Presley said 'We used to go to these religious sing-ins all the time, and there were these perfectly fine singers nobody responded to, but there were also these other singers who cut up all over the place, jumping on the piano, moving every which way, and all of which the audience liked, so I guess I learned from them'; uninhibited Pentecostalism gave young Elvis ideas about music and performance and, from then on, he was sometimes called the &quot;Evangelist&quot; by his inner circle of friends.
** Randall J. Stephens, American Religion historian, recounting how Elvis got attached to Gospel and Christian Music, years before he decided to take up a music career, albeit heavily influencing it, as excerpted from in his book &quot;The Fire Spreads: Holiness and Pentecostalism in the American South&quot;, published in 2008

* When Elvis Presley rolled up his sleeve in October 1956 and was photographed receiving the new polio vaccine hours before his appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, he became a massive force for the wonders of public health.Before Elvis got his shot, the number of teenagers to get the vaccine was 0.6%. After the show, the rates went up to 80%.
** Dr. Anne Stephenson, professor at {{w|Deakin University}}, as noted in an opinion entitled COVID-19 vaccines: Why Elvis impersonators can change suspicious minds&quot; and published on ausdoc.com.au's 18th February 2021 edition

* The Warriors had cut the lead to as little as two points in the third quarter, the inevitable onslaught stemming from a groin injury that took LeBron James out of the game for good. But then it was Stephenson of all people, former LeBron archival known for blowing in his ear as much as for his questionable shot selection, hitting a momentum-regaining 3-pointer as the third quarter buzzer sounded. True to form, he followed up the huge shot with his trademark guitar-playing celebration -- though this one had some extra hip gyration that would have made Elvis Presley stand up and applaud.
** About {{w|Lance Stephenson}}, in an article published in CBS Sports 26 December 2018 edition.

* I'll never forget it. We were in the rehearsal hall, and all of a sudden, we heard this commotion coming down the hall and there was this entourage of people coming into the room, When Elvis walked into the room, my mouth dropped. I'm like, Wow, I now understand why this guy is the biggest star in the world. He had magnetism. He filled the room. He really did. And to be able to sing with him for about a year and a-half of my life was an amazing experience. He was just a great singer. When you listen to Elvis' records, back in the day when he recorded, everything was recorded analog. There were really no computers to tune your voice or anything. He just had a natural talent. And he recorded in a recording studio just like he sang on stage. He held a microphone in his hand. He walked around the recording studio, and it was like he was doing a live performance. And he hardly ever shaded a pitch. He was just so talented, he really was.”
** {{w|Richard Sterban}}, bass singer for the Oak Ridge Boys, who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* Elvis Presley, Hugh Hefner, Frank Sinatra – maybe not the kind of men you'd expect to embrace environmentally-friendly technology even if they were around to see it. However they were all diehard Cadillac guys, and we have to think that if anyone can convince its set-in-their-ways customers to go electric, it's Detroit's most famous luxury brand.
** [[w:Jared Paul Stern|Jared Paul Stern]] writing in [[w:Maxim (magazine)|Maxim]] about Cadillac's first ever electric car, as published on their January 14, 2019 edition in an article entitled &quot;An American icon enters the EV age&quot;

* Back in 2002, Eminem rapped about “little hellions, kids feeling rebellious — embarrassed their parents still listen to Elvis.” Plenty of those little hellions rebelled against their parents (and the carefree ignorance of the pre-9/11 world) and grew up into today's hipsters.
** DJ Stevens, in an article entitled &quot;ASK A HIPSTER, Is Eminem Elvis' heir?&quot;, published in the [[w:San Diego Reader|San Diego Reader]] on 29 August, 2018.

* Elvis was big for me, even from a very young age; That was the music that was around my house; I love that stuff, great songs and, as a singer, he was 'The Great' rock and roll singer.
** {{w|Rogers Stevens}}, guitarist for the rock band Blind Melon, answering Ben Bounds's question as to whose artist influenced him the most, and the earliest, as published in the Starkville Daily news (11 August, 2008)

* One word to describe him̜? Sexy
** [[w:Stella Stevens|Stella Stevens]], who starred with Elvis in Girls, Girls, Girls, in an interview with Joan Rivers in 1992

* Alas, this turned out to be his only time on UK soil...
** [[w:Stewart Stevenson|Stewart Stevenson]], Scotland's Minister for Transport, Infrastructure and Climate Change, speaking to assembled guests and the media as Prestwick airport celebrated the unveiling of a plaque heralding Elvis Presley's visit on 3 March 1960, a brief refuelling stop as he flew home from Germany after finishing national service with the US Army.

* I believe we need to restore confidence in Illinois. We deserve a state government that you can trust. It has been my mission as your state representative to support, sponsor, and vote for common sense solutions that provide for balanced budgets, to resist tax increases without a commitment to responsible spending, and to secure jobs for working families. I believe doing so will help you have more faith in our state government. I agree with Elvis Presley. “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.”
** [[w:Brian W. Stewart|Brian W. Stewart]], Illinois State representative, in an article entitled Restoring confidence in Illinois, and published on September 27, 2018, in rrstar.com

* As soon as we were done with the first shot, he said, ‘You wanna talk?’ I was shocked. He pulled up two chairs together, we sat down, he took my hand and then he began to tell me about his mother. He talked about how much he missed her, how when he was in the Army, they wouldn't let him go see her when she was dying. It wasn't like he was flirting, he was just being very sweet and could not have been nicer.
** Actress [[w:Charlotte Stewart|Charlotte Stewart]], best known after appearing in the first four seasons of NBC-TV's &quot;Little House on the Praire&quot;, talking to Fox News Entertainment, on April 26, 2017, about the friendship she struck with Elvis in early 1968 after performing with him a single unbilled scene in MGM's &quot;Speedway&quot;

* i) I mean, they treat me like I'm Elvis there, they really do. ii) Elvis was the king. No doubt about it. People like myself, Mick Jagger and all the others only followed in his footsteps. iii)Bloody Elvis, beating me to the top from the grave.
** [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] i) tells ABC News Radio.[http://www.classichitsandoldies.com/v2/2013/07/22/rod-stewarts-still-loving-vegas-they-treat-me-like-im-elvis-there/] ii) as published in www.graceland.com iii) joking about the fact his 2015 album was stopped from topping the UK charts by Elvis' If I can dream

* The third day started with a biscuit breakfast on the bus as we headed set course toward Tupelo to visit Elvis Presley's birthplace. I had given our group a loose itinerary, but what the group didn't know is that I had arranged for an Elvis tribute artist to stand on the side of the road five miles out of Oxford with his thumb out, hitchhiking. We picked him up, Jack Curtis was his name, and he performed a concert of Elvis' classics, up and down the aisle of the bus, all of the way in to Tupelo. We got out to tour the Elvis Presley birthplace and my guests said, “I don’t know how you’re going to top this.”....
** Restaurateur Robert St John, recounting the visit he and a large group of tourist made to Mississippi's best restaurants, and which included a stop at Elvis birthplace, as published in an article at the Meridian Star on October 16, 2018.

* More than 30 years ago, the Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) Fraternity joined the fight against childhood cancer when Danny Thomas, founder of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and fraternity member from the Gamma-Nu chapter at the University of Toledo, asked his fraternity to help him with his cause. Before Thomas could make his dream of building St. Jude a reality, he garnered the help of, inter-alia, Rock 'n' roll legend and fellow Tau Kappa Epsilon member Elvis Presley, who instantly became one of Danny's supporters by lending his talents to help raise funds for cancer-stricken children.
** {{w|St. Jude Children's Research Hospital}}’s laud of Elvis’ commitment to St Jude's. as noted in the Hospital's online page.

* The most important entertainer in the 20th Century, certainly, and the only people that could even challenge him were the Beatles, but they weren̪'t single performers, so it̪s Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Mike Stoller}}, agreeing with Jerry Lieber, that Elvis was indeed the most important individual artist of the 20th Century, as noted in a filmed interview for the 1987 BBC television special &quot;Cut me and I bleeð&quot;.

* We played Anaheim, CA in 1973. I was told to fix a problem with an unauthorized limo trying to get in the back entrance, so I tapped on the chauffeur's window but he said I should talk to the lady in the back. I knock, and there she was, {{w|Elizabeth Taylor}}. I was 22 but I had to tell her to walk through the entrance. Same thing in 1974, this time in Philadelphia, PA, but for once the unauthorized limo was carrying someone Elvis already knew, so he got to stay. It was {{w|Muhammad Ali}}.
** Charles Stone, Elvis head of security, in a video filmed on 10 January 2015 at E P Birthday Festival in Stockholm, Sweden

* I was always a fan of   Elvis as I was growing up. When I saw him in Vegas, with Phil Spector and his wife, in 1971,   he  was just awesome, had tremendoous energy,  charisma, such a handsome man, and a great voice, so  actually there was nothing not to like about him. And then,   after meeting him backstage,   you realize  that you are in the presence of someone so gifted, and that it's humbling, really.  
** {{w|Mike Stone (karate)|Mike Stone}}, in an interview in the Ultimate Elvis channel.  

* Elvis Presley is a means of seduction, a tool of US imperialism, to make the Communist youth lose its values in the midst of a possible atomic war.
** [[w:Willi Stoph|Willi Stoph]], the then East Germany's Minister of Defense, in a communique signed in April of 1959, coinciding with the time Elvis was serving with the US Army in the then West Germany.

* It as a real hoot to meet him. After he toured the plane he introduced himself, like 'Well, Ron, I guess you know who I am.' I said 'Yes sir, Mr. Presley.' And then he said 'Oh no, it's not sir or mister. Just call me Elvis.
** Ron Strauss, pilot for Elvis' four-engine Convair 800 jet, the Lisa Marie, in an interview published on the [[w:USA Today|Journal Sentinel]]'s May 30 2019 edition.

* I never understood his records at first, and then many years later, I thought, &quot;God this guy is good&quot;. He had that wonderful sexuality about him, and energy, he was a star, you know, he was bigger than life. Anyways, because I'd met him a couple of times, singing with him was kind of easy, it felt like our spirits were kind of touching...
** [[w:Barbra Streisand|Barbra Streisand]], on singing &quot;Love me tender&quot; with Elvis, thirty seven years after he had passed away, for her album &quot;Partners&quot;, as explained on a clip published in her Facebook page, on 6 September, 2014

* For international visitors, Amtrack is a very common and comfortable means of transportation. To eliminate that, because we're such a strong destination, namely with Elvis Presley home Graceland, Beale Street and Memphis music history being such big draws for international tourists, would be a big, big loss, as lots of people have taken Amtrack train and it has given even more people the opportunity to visit and fall in love with our city.
** [[w:Jim Strickland (politician)|Jim Strickland]], Mayor of Memphis, TN, commenting and raising concern about the possibility that 200 cities and towns across the entire US may lose access to Amtrak, as published on 31 March at the Commercial Appeal.

* Multiple scholars have probed the Elvis cult's Celtic, Gnostic, Hindi, and vodun derivations; have contemplated Graceland's status as &quot;sacred space&quot;; and considered how and why some insist that Elvis, like Jesus, defeated death. Less charitable writers cynically attribute the entire phenomenon to the highly successful mass-marketing techniques of his estate and to the susceptibility of an apparently passive public bent on real-world escapism through, especially, the &quot;transformative&quot; ideology of consumerism.
** [[w:University of Tulsa|Jim Stromberg]] [[w:University of Tulsa|Jim Stromberg]], of the Univ. of Tulsa in his article entitled ̊Is Elvis Alive?: The Ideology of American Consumerism̊ , as published on 19 March 2004 at the Journal for Popular Culture.

* I was with  Elvis for a few months.  He was so physically beautiful, I thought I couldnt breathe. So one night he said, do you want me to sing something to you? So he played his &quot;Spanish Eyes&quot;  song and sang it to me, seven times,  back to back, as I requested he did.   He was kind to his friends, to his family, to strangers, talented, thoughtful, funny.  This girl  came to a party in his house and I noticed she had two prostetic legs.  So  I asked who she was and he said it was somoene he didnt know really,   but invited to his oarties every fortnight   so that she could feel wanted, loved.....
** [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]] in a Gilbert Goddfries podcast published on January 17, 2022. 

* The immediate feeling you have is of the entirety of his life. You feel a young man full of potential. On seeing this 13 acres, you realize that he was at a point in his life that because of creativity, he was able to buy it. You feel all the happy times and all the people that have come and gone, dignitaries and musicians. I just wished that the walls could have talked. But in actual fact, the real treat was the private tour of the mansion, which the good folks of Graceland gave to the General Hospital crew. One of the special features is Elvis' white piano and I wish I could have played it, but we weren't allowed on that side of the velvet ropes. It's a big, white Steinway with actual ivory keys. It certainly has a history and you could just imagine Elvis himself playing there.
** {{w|James Patrick Stuart}}, Actor, voice talent, musician and the son of Chad Stuart, of the {{w|Chad &amp; Jeremy}} British pop duo, reflecting on his visit to Graceland and as reported on the February 21, 2019 issue of Parade magazine.

* The general idea is that Mississippi claims to be the birthplace of America's music and can pretty well back it up. The spiritual home of rock in roll in our state to me is Elvis Presley's birthplace in Tupelo. The B.B. King Museum and Interpretive Center over in Indianola, up in the Delta, that's where the blues live. The Grammys put in a museum at Delta State University, so that's the north part of the state. And the central part, kind of in the land of Jimmie Rodgers, is going to be Marty Stuart's Congress of Country Music Hall. That's where my collection, that's where the spiritual home of country music will live, as far as I'm concerned.
** [[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]], country singer from Mississippi, as published in Scene, on Apr 10, 2017.

* The Melbourne General Cemetery has been operational since 1852 and houses prestigious monuments to Malcolm Fraser, Sir Robert Menzies and Burke and Wills. For 100 years, the 36-tonne Burke and Wills monument was the most visited spot in the cemetery – until 1970 when the Elvis Presley memorial was erected. It is located in such a prominent area of the cemetery that you would have to deliberately avoid it to miss it. During peak hour, as cyclists whiz by on the path, an elderly couple passes it while walking their fluffy dogs. It's a deeply unusual monument to find in the historic grounds, particularly when considering that Elvis never even visited Australia. But then, the 1970s were a strange time for the cemetery. For a while, it was the world's first memorial erected after his death and the only official monument outside the US. In fact, it came about in a whir of circumstances, including a mystery donor
** Sinead Stubbins, in an article entitled &quot;The enduring mystery of Australia's unique Elvis Presley memorial&quot;, published in the Guardian on August 18, 2018,

* Though he is widely considered one of the biggest cultural icons of the 20th century, many may not know that Elvis stuttered. In a 2007 interview, his Tupelo childhood friend Mary Magdalene Morgan recalled how Elvis would stutter in elementary school, always seeming nervous, never completely sitting still, stammering, but not to the point you couldn't understand him. When he was 13 years old, his family moved to Memphis, Tennessee, where he would listen to a variety of musicians and singers on the now famous Beale Street. Influenced by country, gospel, and blues among other styles, Elvis recorded his first songs with Sun Record but it took multiple recordings and several rejections before one of Elvis' songs hit the radio waves in mid July of 1954. In an interview in August of 1956, Elvis talked about his stuttering: ʽWhenever I get excited, I stutter a little bit. I have a hard time saying ‘when’ or ‘where’ or any words that start with ‘w’ or ‘i.’ In fact, evidence of his stuttering as an adult can be heard on recordings from the Louisiana Hayride at the start of his career. On one of these, he can be heard stuttering when he talks to the audience in between songs. After he stutters, he stops himself, pauses and then begins again, changing the words slightly. Today, almost forty after his death he is still the best-selling solo artist in the history of recorded music. He had a dream to become a successful performer and entertainer, and he didn't let his stuttering stand in his way. People struggling with stammering issues can find inspiration in knowing that they share something deeply personal with the most successful singer of all time.
** The {{w|Stuttering Foundation of America}}'s laud of Elvis Presley as published in their Aug. 14, 2015 online edition.

* Elvis was one of a kind. He bought me my first car and that's how I attended my first Hollywood premiere. Elvis said, 'Kid if you're going to go to something like your first Premiere you deserve to attend in the right Style'. And he made sure that I did&quot;
** Michael St John, African American writer and actor of {{w|Carmen Jones (film)}} fame in discussing Elvis on his own Facebook page in 2009.

* Growing up in Beverly Hills in the 1960s, there was no such thing as being star-struck — my neighbors were movie stars. Going shopping one day, after coffee crunch cake at Blum's, I found myself in front of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel staring at a man so beautiful and charismatic that I was magnetically drawn to him as if by a tractor beam. As I approached, he was swarmed by large burly men in Hawaiian shirts. ‘Let her through,’ he said. As if in a dream, I found myself in the magnificent presence of Elvis Presley! He signed my hand and a $5 bill. He spoke to me kindly and gently in soft Southern tones. The autographed bill? I spent it in my college tuition when I ran out of money
** Rosa Sue, as published in the Newsletter section of the [[w:LA Times|LA Times]] on October 11, 2016

* In 1956, even the youngest of his fans knew that the 21-year-old Elvis Presley was unquestionably the whole package; and, obviously, his great three octave tenor voice, with a lower register close to bass, seemed to vibrate on the inner scale of every teenager in America; they loved the high tenor, but when he &quot;got down&quot; with that lower register, fans exploded; Elvis translated this into his moves on stage, so it was a 10.0 assault on the senses.
** Sugarpie Productions essay on Elvis Presley, as published in Clay´s.Daily.Double.com

* I wanted to say to Elvis Presley and the country that this is a real decent, fine boy, and wherever you go, Elvis, we want to say we've never had a pleasanter experience on our show with a big name than we've had with you.
** CBS TV personality [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]], closing his show on the night of January 6, 1957.

* So who got covered on [[w:Life (magazine)|LIFE?]] Thirty-six covers from the first 64 years portrayed one or more of the Kennedy family. John F. Kennedy was on 25 covers, while Jackie edged him out to appear on 26 and earn the number one spot. Robert F. Kennedy appeared on five covers while Edward Kennedy was on nine. Rose Kennedy even made a solo appearance on one cover. Richard Nixon ranked third behind JFK and Jackie in number of appearances by a single individual with 15. Ronald Reagan had 11. But Marilyn Monroe beat him with 13 cover appearances, while Elizabeth Taylor was close behind at nine. Barbra Streisand made four cover appearances. Nikita Krushchev appeared on more covers (9) than Winston Churchill (7), Dwight D. Eisenhower (7), Franklin Delano Roosevelt (5) or Bill Clinton (4). The Reverends Billy Graham and Martin Luther King Jr. each made it onto two covers, while various popes appeared on eight covers between 1936–2000. (Those) never appearing on a LIFE cover included Elvis Presley, Monhandas K. Gandhi and Mother Teresa.
** David E. Sumner, Professor Emeritus at [[w:Ball State University|BSU]], in an 2001 article entitled &quot;Sixty-Four Years of LIFE: What Did Its 2,128 Covers Cover? as published at the Journal of Magazine &amp; New Media Research, Vol. 5, No. 1, Fall 2002 edition refers.

* When Elvis' daddy had a heart attack, Elvis wanted him to have a private room. That was not the problem, but before getting there, rules made it impossible for him to have a private intensive care room, despite the unit was totally empty. So Elvis spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and booked the entire intensive care unit...
** Bassman [[w:J.D. Sumner|J.D. Sumner]], of the Stamps Quertet, as noted in starsmeetthestars

* I approve of his moves last night at the Pan Pacific (October 29, 1957), and saw nothing wrong with them but unfortunately neither my wife nor I could hear a single word out of his mouth because of all the screaming. But he is everything he is reported to be.
** Czech-born, UK conductor, teacher, and pianist {{w|Walter Susskind}}, in an interview with the LA Times as published on 30 October, 1957. He was the Conductor of the Toronto Symphonic Orchestra at the time of the interview.

* I may be the only person who knows Colin Powell and Elvis Presley...
** Major General [[w:William K. Suter|William K. Suter]], then Clerk of the Supreme Court of the United States, as published on May 29, 2013 by the Harlan Institute. In all candor, Gen. Suter may have been unaware that, after meeting Presley in Ft. Hood, there WERE indeed hundreds of soldiers who knew both Powell and Presley, the former having led the latter's unit as a Lt. Col in Germany, during Presley's entire Army tour in that country.

* They listened to music all the way over. And one of them kind of likes Elvis Presley
** Jeff Sween, Chairman of the {{w|National Turkey Federation}} telling WHSV, Channel 3, about &quot;Peas&quot; and &quot;Carrots&quot;, two South Dakota turkeys travelling through sleet and snow some 1,400 miles to DC in the hope to be pardoned at the White House, as customary during the 2018 Thanksgiving celebration.

* We didn't care as much for Elvis and his music - but once we met him - our mouths completely dropped. We could not believe a man was allowed to be this beautiful. We almost lost our job with Elvis because we focused so much on what he looked like that we forgot the lyrics to our songs. He was without doubt the most beautiful man that ever lived. And what's more beautiful: he didn't know it. - Good Lord he was beautiful!
** [[w:The Sweet Inspirations|The Sweet Inspirations]], in a shared post as published by the &quot;Elvis Forget me never&quot; Facebook page,  on 14 March, 2022.  

* It blew my brain apart. It was like Star Wars combined with Elvis Presley and these crazy, sped-up electro beats that I'd known since I was 11 years old.”
** UK Producer [[w:Switch (house DJ)|Switch]] describing his first encounter with a baile funk compilation in an article entitled &quot;This YouTube Channel Is Helping Brazilian Funk Go Global&quot;, published by Vulture on February 11, 2018.

* Some of Symms' most popular images came from a newspaper assignment covering the June 27, 1956 performance of a young Elvis Presley before 6,000 screaming fans jammed into Augusta's Bell Auditorium. When Presley arrived, he found Symms in an alley awaiting him with a 4X5 Crown Graphic camera. Most remember hearing Presley sing several hits including &quot;Hound Dog&quot;, which he would record a month later, but it was Symms' photos which preserved their memories of the performance and continued to sell reprints over the next half-century.
** About noted photographer [[w:Robert Symms|Robert Symms]], as published in the Augusta Chronicle on January 20, 2018.

* White teenagers embraced rock and roll, when the civil-rights struggle cultivated an awareness of African-American culture. Youths such as Elvis Presley listened to late night, rhythm-and-blues radio shows that challenged and broke down racial barriers. During the Sixties, white teens readily accepted African-American performers such as the Ronettes, the Temptations, and the Supremes who had been carefully groomed for success in a mainstream market. At the same time in Britain, teenagers such as the Rolling Stones became obsessed with Chicago blues and brought their version of the blues back to adoring fans in America. Later in the decade, white youth bought soul records and revered Jimi Hendrix as the ultimate guitar hero. By the Eighties, young white suburbanites wore baggy pants and chanted the lyrics of inner-city rappers. In the new century, American teens danced at massive festivals to the African-American sounds of house music and techno.
** [[w:David Szatmary|David Szatmary]], in the introduction to his book Rocking in timeː A Social History of Rock and Roll

== T ==
* He had it all going on: Punk, Algerian chaabi music, Rai, techno, and he drew inspiration from the music of North Africa, New Orleans jazz, The Clash, the delta blues and Elvis Presley.
** Algerian singer and activist {{w|Rachid Taha}}'s obituary, as published in Boing Boing, a few days after his death on September 12, 2018.

* In 1957, I worked with Elvis a bit on ‘Jailhouse Rock,’ and got to know him as well as anybody in Los Angeles at the time. Anyways, that same year I had a beach house that I sublet to him while I was doing ‘Peyton Place.’ He needed it as a getaway, and basically wrote me a check for that month's rent. I wish I had kept the check, that would be worth more than the money I got LOL.
** {{w|Russ Tamblyn}}, dancer and acrobat extraordinaire who visited Elvis at his penthouse suite at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, on the night before the shoot of the Jailhouse Rock title sequence. Although they had never met before, the one week older Tamblyn and Elvis got along fine, immediately, then practiced a few moves and by the next morning, Presley had the complicated scene totally within his grasp, as noted in Elvis Express Radio's September 14, 2016 edition.

* Presley makes no secret of his respect for the negroes, nor of their influence on his singing. Furthermore, he does not shun them, either in public or private
** Tan magazine, an entertainment spinoff by the publishers of {{w|Jet (magazine)|Jet}} magazine, in an article published in April of 1957.

* No person should be allowed to be so great looking and with so much talent. LOL. He's standing on a stage all by himself, like a person in a boxing arena Now the swagger and the swooning are awesome, but the interesting thing about him is how he gets the emotion into the song. And it all sounds so authentic because he believes in what he sings.
** {{w|Ken Tamplin}}, vocal coach, reviewing Elvis' &quot;Cant help falling in love&quot;, the 1968 version, for his vocal academy, as published in YouTube on July 24, 2019.

* That's it for now from us, at the first ever Presidential summit in Graceland, so thank you, thank you very much.
** {{w|Jake Tapper}}'s closing words after covering the Graceland visit by Pres. G. W. Bush and Japanese Prime Minister J. Koizumi for ABC TV News on June 30, 2006.

* To me this album is the purest expression of Elvis there was. In fact, when I was young, I used to think Elvis was the voice of truth. I don't know what that means, but his voice, shit man, it sounded so fucking pure. The hillbilly cat never let you down.
** {{w|Quentin Tarantino}}'s laud of &quot;The SUN Sessions&quot;, a 1976 issued album copmprising Elvis' 1954–55 recordings, as noted in the July 28, 2020 edition of Far Out, in a article entitled &quot;From Bob Dylan to Elvis Presley: Quentin Tarantino created a list of his 10 favourite albums of all time&quot;

* I walked into the lobby of the International Hotel in Las Vegas with Tom Jones, which was like walking in with the Good Lord himself, and next minute we were in Elvis Presley's dressing room. As I stared at him, stunned, one of Elvis's assistants said to me, ‘Sir, will you give this drink to Elvis?’ I said, ‘Yeah,’ took the drink and stood there gaping, like a stagestruck schoolgirl. Couldn't move a muscle. Tom nudged me and said, ‘Give ’im the drink for God’s sake. I struggled to speak to Elvis because I was so overwhelmed and amazed to be in the presence of such a great singer. Next night, it was Elvis who came to Tom’s room. I was in heaven...
** {{w|Jimmy Tarbuck}}, OBE, British comedian, a schoolmate of John Lennon and one of Tom Jones' long time personal closest friends, recalling the night in August of 1969 when he met Elvis, as told in the Express' August 7, 2020 edition

* The reasons for honouring Elvis are not sentimental but political. I don't own a single Elvis album but he was a champion for those amongst our people who turned against our country's Soviet-backed Government in October 1956. And although the revolution was quashed, Presley saluted the uprising in January 1957 during his last appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show and performed &quot;Peace in the Valley&quot;, a gospel standard, as a tribute to our plight. At his request, Sullivan solicited the TV audience to donate towards our relief efforts, raising US$6 million (the equivalent of US$ 49 million in 2012 dollars), or about 26 million Swiss francs.
** Budapest Mayor {{w|István Tarlós}}, explaining to the press why Presley was named a citizen of Budapest and a Park facing the second oldest crossing in the city,the Margaret Bridge, named after him, following the International Red Cross' handling of some 26 million SFR sent by his fans, which they distributed to some 200,000 Hungarians affected by the Soviet invasion in both Vienna and London, where the refugees were allowed to settle for life, and as published in The Guardian's online edition of March 11, 2012.

* Before Elvis, white America was shackled by crippling conservatism. Then, four years into the 1950s, a singer from Tupelo, Mississippi, had what record producer Sam Phillips was looking for, a “white man who had the Negro sound and the Negro feel”, language that makes us cringe now — but at the time, Elvis' &quot;sound&quot; and &quot;feel&quot; did more to break down color barriers in popular music than any white singer ever had. Elvis' low, trembling transmission to teenage America was emancipation in the form of rockabilly, gospel, schlocky love songs, Christmas standards and muddy blues. In the ’60s, his voice was muted by forgettable films, but in 1968, wearing a leather jumpsuit, he reminded America that the suffering in his voice was sex in a sexless society — a pink Cadillac crashing into daddy’s station wagon. —
** Art Tavana, for LA Weekly, in an article entitled the 20 best singers of all time.

* When I’m here, I’m not James Taylor the entertainer, I’m James Taylor the Elvis fan,’
** Singer songwriter {{w|James Taylor}}, telling Rhonda Lamb, Assistant Director of the Elvis Presley Birthplace, in Tupelo, MS, how he felt when visiting Elvis birthplace, in an article published on the Daily Journal on September 25, 2017.

* I was in California, saw &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; and changed my name to Vince Taylor, the former from the first name of the character played by Elvis in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;.
**{{w|Vince Taylor}}, English rock and roll singer, very popular in France and the brother in law of {{w|Joseph Barbera}} as noted in Wikipedia-.

* Elvis Presley. I don't do an impersonations, but Elvis is the most impersonated performer in the world. Just the more I've read about him, the more he's someone I've wanted to get into. I want to do the Walk the Line version of Elvis. Like Joaquin Phoenix doesn't look like Johnny Cash but I still felt like I was watching Johnny Cash in that movie.
** {{w|Miles Teller}}'s answer as to who he would like to play next, in an interview with Parade, published on October 24, 2017.

* I strongly believe he knew he was ill, but didn't know why. In retrospect, his was a classic case of cumulative head trauma, followed by an autoimmune inflammatory disorder. None of this was known or even recognized in his day and I'm confident he would have been pleased to know that the knowledge that now exists about his predicament will in future help others, as he was a kind and generous person
** Dr. {{w|Forest Tennant}}'s main conclusions in his study and essay entitled &quot;Elvis Presley: Head Trauma, Autoimmunity, Pain, and Early Death&quot; as published in Practical Pain Management̺'s June 2013 edition.

* Presley was very classically orientated with his voice, and diction, and very sincere and wanting to get everything perfect.
** {{w|Bryn Terfel}} bass baritone citing one of the reasons why Elvis is the only soloist whose music he listens in his iPod, as told to NYT's Classical Music critic Vivien Schweitzer, and published on that paper on November 10, 2007

* Elvis Presley transcended his being called the King of Rock and Roll, even the music he made famous, in favour of his later becoming one of the XX Century's greatest cultural icons. But it is his versatile voice and his unusual delivery of numerous musical idioms, as well as the attraction he held, physically, and sexually, that led him to his being the greatest solo artist in the history of popular music.
**Terra, a Spanish online publication's views on the power of Presley's voice and it's being ranked as one of the ten most imposing in the history of recorded sound, the latter in conjunction with the celebration of the &quot;Day of the Voice&quot; and published in their online page, on April 15, 2015.-

* He performed at the auditorium in 1955 and 1956. For the first appearance, Elvis was paid $150. He grossed $9,000 when he returned a year later.
** Steven Teske of the {{w|Butler Center for Arkansas Studies}}, on some of the history to surround the forthcoming exhibit on the Robinson Memorial Auditorium, in an article published on the Arkansas Democrat Gazzette on Novebver 4, 208.

* I couldnt believe I was singing with Elvis. My nerves were a wreck...
** {{w|Thalia}},in an interview for youtube published on January 3 2011, reacting to hos she felt when doing her duet on Love me Tender.

* At one point, the Chargers and Raiders planned to share a stadium in Carson. Instead, the Chargers got Los Angeles, and the Raiders are headed to Las Vegas in the next few years. So, prior to this Sunday's game between the Raiders and Chargers in Carson, the Chargers trolled their rivals by playing Elvis Presley's &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; as the Raiders took the field at StubHub Center.
** Ali Thanawalla, for {{w|Yahoo Sports}}, as reported on October 7, 2018.

* I love Elvis because he was my generation, but then again, he's everyone's generation and will always be
** {{w|Margaret Thatcher}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* For some people, they are just cars from the past. But classic cars represent an important market segment for investors. With their rising by more than 500 per cent in the past decade, the 2016 Motorworld Classics Fair in Berlin is a good chance for anyone interested in that kind of investment. A perfect example is a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado showcased here. It is not a very rare car, nor is it in a good state, but it was once owned by Elvis Presley, which bumps up the price tag to about half a million euros.
** {{w|The Euronews}}, 11 October, 2016.

* He didn't buy it for himself, he never used it, it was from the start an act of charity, and I certainly hope that once we auction it, it will one day be enshrined, as it has been the witness of history for almost two decades, especially during Pres. FDR's time.
** {{w|Danny Thomas}}, founder of St Jude's in a co-sponsored radio and filmed press conference aboard the 50 meter long, FDR Presidential Yacht, the USS Potomac, which was requested from Elvis, as a gift, to St Jude' in February of 1964. St Jude's then sold it for US$75,000 (equiv. to a little over a half a million in 2018 dollars), on November of that same year, later disappearing for about twenty years, even capsizing, only to be recovered by the US Coast Guard and, as if to grant Mr. Thomas his wish, is currently enshrined as it takes tourists from Oakland to the Golden Gate and back.

*Just last month, nurse Lindsay readily agreed to the request of 9-year-old Desiree Mohammadi, daughter of a Queens pediatrician, and held her small hand as a pediatric nurse administered a Covid jab. Afterward, Desiree sent her idol a grateful thank-you letter. The photos and video of the nurse who was the first person in the US to be vaccinated for Covid-19 will be in textbooks soon, but she is already inspiring children to seek a better understanding of both science and nursing.But perhaps the most significant reason that Dr. Lindsay is our Nurse of the Year is this: as Elvis did with the polio vaccine, she set an example that is saving lives&quot;
** Koren Thomas,  Associate Editor of the &quot;Daily Nurse&quot;, in reference to the achievemnets of  {{w|Sandra Lindsay}}, DHSc, MS, MBA, RN, CCRN-K, NE-BC, who became the first official recipient of a  Covid jab in the US on December 14, 2020,  in an  article published in their December 29, 2021 edition,.  which   in turn named her &quot;The Nurse of the Year&quot; 
 
* Elvis was a great partner to St. Jude and was always eager to help raise money for the hospital.  
** {{w|Marlo Thomas}}, actress and dsocial activist, as told on her Facebook page in conjunction with the anniversary of Elvis' death in mid August of  2020.  

* People think that we're crazy because we do six nights a week, and then you see how much Elvis put into every show, for which he created this larger than life style, and he pulled it off.
** {{w|Rob Thomas}}, as published by www.graceland.com

* I remenber when I took Elvis by the hand and slowly pulled him on stage. And I said 'Ladies and gentlemen ..... Elvis Presley!! And he did that willow with that leg two or three times and it was over and the show was really over and the people, these were black people, they stormed that place trying to get to Elvis. And never, never in your life have you seen such a surge of black faces all converging upon a stage at the same time. I know of only two people that would have that type of magnetism that would just, they could just pull people to them, the kind of magnetism to just draw crowds in instantly effect them. [Elvis being one], the only other was Martin Luther King. The fact is people like music and if it's good it makes no difference who's doing it, black, blue, green even plaid if it's like that. And I love good music and Elvis was doing blues, rhythm and blues because that was his beginning.
** Bluesman {{w|Rufus Thomas}}, recalling the night of December 7, 1956, when he introduced Elvis at an all black revue organized by WDIA, in Memphis, as published in http://www.elvis.net/theysayframe.html and in Elvis lives, a 2002 ABC TV documentary.

*Ladies and gentlemen, the McDonnell Douglas aircraft have left the air. Yeah, they were as iconic as Elvis Presley.
** Rich Thomaselli, for Travel Pulse, in an article bidding good bye to the TMD-88 and {{w|McDonnell Douglas MD-90}} planes holding a revered place in aviation history and which retired on June 2, 2020.

* There is nothing that could force Donald Trump to release his tax returns, but precedent and Hillary Clinton's willingness to release hers would have nudged most other presidential hopefuls into taking the action. All this reminds me of the fact that accountants for Elvis Presley begged him at times to take advantage of the legal loopholes available to him. It would have saved him millions. He demurred on the basis that the patriotic thing to do was to pay for the privilege of his success.
** {{w|Dan Thomasson}}, columnist for Tribune News Service, commenting on the 2016 presidential election, as published in the Commercial Appeal on October 3, 2016.

* What makes USA the most aspirational destination to Indians is probably our own pop culture. Out of 1.3 billion Indians, there are 700 million young people who are under the age of 35. By 2020, the median age is going to be 29 years and when I think about a younger demographic, everything in the United States is appealing to them. Pop, short for popular music originated in neighborhoods across the US, when people of various ethnicities came together and merged their musical talents transcends geographical borders, races, and even traditional music styles. It is the music of today. Traditional guitars or electric ones, playing of pop music is not restricted to instruments either. Elvis Presley, in fact, is one of the first stars associated with the popularity of pop music. He fused country music with black rhythm and blues and came up with rock-and-roll.
** Christopher Thompson, President and CEO of {{w|Travel Promotion Act of 2009|Brand USA}}, in an article entitled &quot;Brand USA Plays the music card&quot; published by India Media Group on November 22, 218

* One day in the 70s, I talked Elvis into going with me to the local McDonald's restaurant near Graceland. I was sick and tired of us never going out together. So I made a bet with him — I said no one would recognize him and he could relax a little. Elvis said he not only would be recognized but mobbed as well. We walked in the McDonald's, approached the counter, and put in our orders. Elvis ate his meal in wonder at the situation but really enjoyed his quiet night out. So far, so good. Then a man walked up to our table, looked at Elvis, and said he hated how men tried to look like Elvis Presley. He said there was only one Elvis and the others should give up. Shocked at the man's assumption that he was as impersonator, Elvis informed the stranger that he was indeed Elvis. The man would not believe him, and said he pitied him for thinking he was. Elvis tried again but could not convince the man. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole situation and had an inspired idea. I turned to Elvis and said, “Okay, Bob, enough is enough. Stop playing&quot;. Elvis told me to confirm who he was and I replied, “Will you cut the crap, Bob.” My ruse worked. The man left their table. Elvis was totally dumbfounded by what had happened, but he and I had a good laugh. Anyways, I was always a fan, but I didn't think he would transcend time and space and become the iconic, almost religion he is now.
** {{w|Linda Thompson (actress)|Linda Thompson}}, for Elvisblog

* As the lad himself might say, cut my legs off and call me Shorty! Elvis Presley can act. Acting is his assignment in this shrewdly upholstered showcase, and he does it.
** {{w|Howard Thompson (film critic)|Howard Thompson}}, reviewing &quot;King Creole,&quot; for the New York Times, 1958

* Just as the producer's job is to achieve the best recording possible – the kind of perfection that so grabs listeners like {{w|Nick Coleman (British writer)|Nick Coleman}}- so the editor should push the writer beyond the bounds of what he thinks he can achieve. It's hard to escape the feeling that there's a better book here waiting to get out. Essentially, this is a memoir consisting of 10 essays each of which attempting to examine a fairly arbitrary category of music. “Boys and Girls and Girl Groups”; “Vulnerability”; “The Spectacle of Anguish” etc. The opener looks at “The Horsemen in the Box” - Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley – who he feels would have represented the end of pop music history had the Cuban Missile Crisis not turned out so well.
** Liz Thompson, writing for the {{w|The Arts Desk}}, in an article published on January 15, 2018. and entitled &quot;Nick Coleman: Voices – How a Great Singer Can Change Your Life, highlighting Coleman's deafness then exploring the songs that linger in his memory.

* I'm from Tupelo, where Elvis was born. When he would do a gospel album, he would always pick the great gospel quartets of the day to sing on his records. That's what I want to do.&quot;
** {{w|Paul Thorn}} Southern rock, country, Americana, and blues singer-songwriter, in an article entitled &quot;Paul Thorn revisits gospel roots before Blues &amp; Roots Fest at Door Community Auditorium published&quot; and published on the Green Bay Press-Gazette's Oct. 29, 2018 edition.

* They're talking ‘bout the hood, talkin’ ‘bout where we all come from. My mother always listened to Presley' song when I was young. It talk about the things she went through, you know. She had a bunch of kids, like 9 kids, you know what I’m sayin’. That's how you get somebody to listen to your song, you talk about what they know about and what they want to hear.”
** {{w|Three 6 Mafia}} members, Paul Beaureguard and Jordan Houston, discussing their version of In the Gueto.

* To make things even harder, public-health communicators no longer have the benefit of public figures such as Elvis Presley, who once gave a lift to a national immunization campaign with a single photograph of a rolled-up sleeve. These days, even our most mass-appeal celebrities are not nearly as appealing. Each of them has done something to annoy some chunk of the population, and I’m even talking about Bruce Springsteen right now, and I’m even talking about Hilary Duff.
** {{w|The Atlantic}}'s Kaithlyn Tiffany, in an article on the COVID 19 pandemia entitled &quot;America’s Health Will Soon Be in the Hands of Very Minor Internet Celebrities&quot;, as published oin their February 19, 2021 edition

* Elvis spiritual crisis started in 1964, led him to meditate with Larry Geller, his then recent hairstylist. Elvis was always a dedicated Christian, with the book &quot;The Prophet&quot; being an inspiration as far as incarnation and following the death of his mother. His family and most of his friends rejected this spiritual quest. He was insulated form the world, so it must have been very frustrated that very few in his circle agreed with this part of his life. He was always very generous, from his infancy, but in time became more and more so, to the point of being extremely magnanimous. In 1965, he started becoming more involved with his spirituality, with yoga, and healing.
** {{w|Gary Tillery}}, commenting on his spiritual-geared biography of Elvis Presley, &quot;The Seeker King&quot;.

* I had taken my song &quot;Dreamy Eyes&quot; to George Klein, Memphis DJ and Elvis friend and said to George: &quot;I can really hear Elvis singing this song,&quot; because I felt Priscilla had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. About eight months later I got a call that Elvis had recorded one of my songs, and I assumed that it was &quot;Dreamy Eyes,&quot; but it turned out to be &quot;It Keeps Right On a Hurtin.&quot; When Elvis was in Germany getting ready to work, he was listening to Country Music and heard my song, and he wanted to record it. That's the way Elvis picked his music, when he heard something that he liked, he recorded it. Elvis put his song in one of his albums &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;, and I couldn't have been more thrilled and proud, because Elvis was my idol.
** {{w|Johnny Tillotson}}, as noted in whenstarsmeetstars.

* Are you kiddin̠g? I am not gonna do an Elvis song, not at the White House̜. No one can outsing the King.
** {{w|Justin Timberlake}}'s response to several entertainers, many from Memphis and some of whom had had important work at Stax. Thad gathered at the White House at the invitation of President Obama, who was heralding the Memphis sound, so he was asked to sing an Elvis song, as told by Justin's mother Lynn (Bomar) Harless, to George Klein on November 21, 2012

* i) A double voice that alternates between a high quaver, reminiscent of Johnnie Ray at his fiercest, and a rich basso that might be smooth if it were not for its spasmodic delivery. 'Heartbreak Hotel', yelps the high voice, is where he's going to get away from it all. Answers the basso: 'he'll be sorry ii) Without preamble, the three-piece band cuts loose. In the spotlight, the lanky singer flails furious rhythms on his guitar, every now and then breaking a string; in a pivoting stance, his hips swing sensuously from side to side and his entire body takes on a frantic quiver, as if he had swallowed a jackhammer; his loud baritone goes raw and whining in the high notes, but down low it is rich and round. As he throws himself into one of his specialties— &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; or &quot;Long Tall Sally&quot;, his throat seems full of desperate aspirates or hiccuping glottis strokes, but his movements suggest, in a word, sex.
** i) Time magazine's review of an early 1956 concert and entitled &quot;Teeners' hero&quot;, as published on its May 14,1956 ii) and April 02, 1956 issue.

* Elvis Presley, the 21-year-old bobby-soxers' delight, shot the Ed Sullivan Show's rating up to 43.7—highest in two years. Actor Charles Laughton, his glib tongue in his dumpling cheek, introduced Elvis with: &quot;Ed insisted I give a high tone to the proceedings,&quot; then, to the frenzied shrieks of the teenagers, let Hillbilly Presley take over. Crooner Presley, sideburns dripping with sweat and goose grease, mumbled through three songs, gave his guitar a thorough clouting, contorted his mouth suggestively and his pelvis more so. When it was over, parents and critics, as usual, did a lot of futile grumbling at the vulgarity of this strange new phenomenon that must somehow be reckoned with.
** Time magazine's review of Elvis first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, where they purposely fail to both register the ̈82.6 percentage share, the highest in history, as well as the 60,710,000 viewers, also the highest, let alone their mentioning that the 43.7 rating was not just the highest in two years, but the highest ever, as published in their September 24,1956 edition.

* I've got a cutout of Elvis Presley outside my door so people at the US Capitol can find my office. Right now, he's wearing a big pennant that says ‘Go Golden Knights,
** US Congresswoman for Nevada (D), {{w|Dina Titus}} in an article published on June 5, 2018 by Channel 3, Las Vegas, and entitled &quot;Connect to Congress: Titus looks past primary, gives Democrats a message

* Elvis Presley was also known for his work on the big screen. The “Heartbreak Hotel” singer made his debut in 1956's Civil War film “Love Me Tender“. It was a stunning one, and it helped propel him to the top ten of the box office for a decade in movies like &quot;Jailhouse Rock“ and “King Creole&quot; Eventually, he would return to music entirely after Hollywood stopped giving him challenging film roles but by then, he'd proven that he could tackle everything.&quot;
** Aramide Tinubu, Chief Editor of Hollywood naming her list of fifteen singers who best made the transition to the big screen, in an article published by the Cheat Sheet on July 2, 2018.

* What's the difference between Elvis and a smart politician? Elvis has been sighted.
** Comedian Alan Todd, in an article containing numerous jests of a governmental and public nature and entitled &quot;Dusting off the political jokes&quot; and published on the {{w|Ouray County Plaindealer}}'s January 18, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley. I'm not sure if he's &quot;of the &quot;moment&quot; but now and then there is a new release of his music.
** Actor Alex Toohey, answering who is his favourite musician at the moment in an interview with the Isle of Man Today's April 28, 2018 edition

* While Elvis was primarily perceived as a baritone and most of the tessitura of his songs was on that key, he was, in my opinion, a tenor. Technically, he never properly worked to smooth his passagio and bring more weight up to the top of his voice. However, one has only to look and listen to much of what Elvis sang, and recorded – especially from about 1974 onward – to realize that, had he gone in an entirely different direction musically, he could very well have sung opera. Although in bad physical condition toward the end of his life, the in concert recordings from his last tour reveal, rather hauntingly, what might have been. Listen especially to the way he sang the Timi Yuro classic &quot;Hurt.&quot; Vocally, he was incredibly exciting.
** The Top Ten lists, in an article entitled the Top male tenors.

* I was shocked to hear that a man of integrity like Hal Wallis had referred to Presley as a great dramatic actor. It just shows how far a man will go for the almighty dollar. —
**{{w|Mel Torme}}, as published on the June 14, 1956 edition in The Arizona Republic.

* I think Elvis Presley will never be solved.
** Writer and journalist {{w|Nick Toshes}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Listening to these songs today, their most remarkable feature is Presley's voice itself. He takes the Platters' Tony Williams's techniques, and any other predecessor's, to new, uncharted pinnacles. For a singer who was only just encountering widespread popularity, his singing resonates with amazing fortitude and confidence, especially on &quot;Heartbreak Hotel,&quot; (1956), where Presley alternately shouts words with full lungs, then gulps the following back, as if under water but without missing a beat. In &quot;Loving you&quot; (1957), Presley's baritone on this, the ultimate slow dance number, is almost too powerful, virtually rumbling the floor...
** David N. Townsend, in his essay &quot;Changing the World: Rock 'n' Roll's Culture and Ideology&quot;.

* i) Making their second appearance at Worthy Farm, Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey delighted the crowds as the sun set on the final day of Glastonbury 2015 by performing a number of hits from across their career. They also referenced Kanye West's claim during his own headline slot the night before that he was &quot;the greatest living rockstar on the planet&quot;, with Townsend and then Roger Daltrey saying, &quot;We're gonna send you home now with a rebellious 'who's the biggest fucking rockstar in the world?'It must be Elvis Presley. ii) We have to focus on his early work, and just one or two of his movies, and elements of his TV shows, to keep his memory pure. People now know that Elvis could play a mean rhythm guitar himself, and needed no other musicians to perform a great song. But Elvis was not just a rock star, he was an all-round entertainer.
** i) Excerpted from an article quoting {{w|Pete Townsend}}, of The Who, as he and {{w|Roger Daltrey}} were quick to make light of Kanye's antics the previous night, reminding everyone that Elvis Presley was still the King of Rock – despite what Mr West may have said, and as published on Digital Spy on June 29, 2015. ii) as noted in theelevisexpress

* My first political act was to get kicked out of class for arguing with a teacher for criticizing Elvis
** Carol Tracy, Executive Director of the Women's Law project since 1990, in an article published by the Daily Philadephian on October 16, 2017

* Before I made my first record, we had a three night tour of an Army base in Freidberg, Germany. I was told: “Jackie, there’s someone I’d like you to meet&quot;. So I walked in through the front door of a house in Bad Neuheim, off-base, to find Elvis himself smiling at me. I nearly fainted! We sang together, talked plenty, and I kinda fell in love with him...
** {{w|Jackie Trent}}, English singer-songwriter and actress, in her autobiography, &quot;Being me&quot;, published at the Sunday Express on 14 October, 2017

* I mean Elvis made us move, instead of standing mute he raised our voice. And when we heard ourselves something was changing, you know, like for the first time we made a collective decision about choices, America hurriedly made Pat Boone a general, in the army they wanted us to join, But most of us held fast to Elvis and the commandants around him Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Little Richard, Bo Diddley, Gene Vincent, you know, like a different Civil War all over again. Man, like he woke us up, and now they're trying to put us back to sleep. So we'll see how it goes, Aayway, look at the record, man, Rock ’n’ roll is based on revolutions, going way past 33⅓, you gotta understand, man, he was America's baby Boom Ché. I oughta know man, I was in his army
** Native American author, poet, actor, musician, and political activist {{w|John Trudell}}'s words of wisdom, as annotated in ‘Baby Boom Ché’, a song he dedicated to his idol Elvis.

* Well I am so glad to be in Tupelo, the birthplace of Elvis Presley. I shouldn't say this, because they are going to say I am conceited, but other than the blond hair when I was growing up they all said I looked like Elvis. I always felt that it was a great compliment. And we just gave him the Medal of Freedom in the White House. We love Elvis don̪'t we̞?
** US President {{w|Donald Trump}}, in his speech at T̥upelo Regional Airport, on November 26, 2018

* It was the very first day on set and I was so nervous.Everyone was having lunch and I really didn't feel like eating because I was that nervous. So I decided to go take a nap and if I was needed on set, they would call me. I went to my trailer and the air conditioner wasn't working. I was just hysterical -- really hysterical. I thought, ‘Oh no, this isn’t happening.’ You could only imagine how hot it was. And there was no one around because everyone was having lunch. There must be an air conditioner there. I thought. All of a sudden, there was a hand stopping me. I immediately apologized without even looking up. And I was told, ‘That’s Elvis’ dressing room. You can't just go in. I'm going to have to ask if you're allowed.&quot; At that moment, I didn’t see Presley, but I was given the green light to hang out in his room. Upon entering, I immediately felt the relief of a running air conditioner and collapsed on a nearby couch. When I opened my eyes after a restful sleep, I saw Presley’s face closely staring right back at me. He was putting a cold compress on my face. He thought I must have passed out or something, He was absolutely beautiful. I mean, people with great voices are attractive to me, but this was something else. I didn’t even know what to say because I was so shocked. And then he went, ‘Don’t worry about it. I just want you to feel good. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Are you thirsty?’ I couldn't even talk!” I was overwhelmed by everything I was experiencing. He smelled like baby powder and milk. But he just kept insisting if I needed or wanted anything. Elvis also had told me I could stay for as long as I liked and not to worry about it. After he left, I eventually got up and stepped outside where I saw Presley surrounded by his entourage. At the time, he was fascinated by martial arts and when I told him I knew Bruce Lee, then that was another reason we bonded easily.He was a Southern Baptist and my family was very Christian, so we had already connected from that alone. He was very spiritual. I remember the last time we spoke, we were hanging out in his trailer. He just looked at me and said, ‘Keep that light burning baby.’ And that was it. I guess he lost his light. Couldn't find his way home, you know? I truly feel he just worked himself to death. It was very tragic.”
**{{w|Irene Tsu}}, Chinese American actress who co-starred with Elvis in Paradise Hawaiian Style, as noted in her autobiography, &quot;A Water Color Dream: The Many Lives of Irene Tsu&quot;.

* It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?
** Words spoken by fictional character {{w|Nigel Tufnel}} to his bandmate, David St. Hubbins as they both face Elvis' grave in the 1984 movie &quot;This is Spinal Tap&quot;

* Even as we focus on perhaps the final election of the 2018 season in North Carolina's 9th District, pundits and scholars are already debating whether or not there was a “blue wave” during the 2018 election, or if it was an Elvis Presley-like “Blue Christmas” for the Democrats, a missed opportunity for the party.
** John A. Tures for {{w|The Observer}} in an article entitled &quot;Did a Blue Wave Become a Blue Christmas for Democrats?&quot; as published on their 12/26/2018 edition.

* Well, this was during the time that Elvis Presley was driving a gravel truck and we were playing on 11th Street and they didn't allow whites there. It was a whole black street. And at that time I didn't know who Elvis was, whether he was a musician, he was just a guy that I liked. He liked music, so I liked him because he liked music. I'm assuming that was it and we had some form of rapport together. So I would slip him into the back of the club, the piano sitting like this and the back door was sitting there and I would sit him and have him behind the piano, because in those days I would stand up to play the piano, and I'd play the piano backwards and just clowning with the piano. But I never knew that this guy was even an entertainer. But meantime, I'm just assuming a year or so, I hear this &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; but I never put this with this guy at all. I don't even connect the two. And many years later, in Las Vegas, I was playing the lounge room at the International Hotel, and Elvis was in the main room, but you know I never was interested in other acts, you know, I always was interested, like if I get to know you, OK, but for me to go over there, Red Foxx was in the lounge also at that time. And one night, I won some thousand dollars, and I was coming down through the back, had all this big old rack of chips and stuff and this white guy says, &quot;Hey you don't remember me?&quot; And I said no. So that's when he [Elvis] told me that he was the one that used to come to West Memphis and hide behind the piano, in this black club. You know, it was amazing, you know?
** {{w|Ike Turner}}, in an interview with Open vault, from WGBH, trying to say that as far as the Las Vegas encounter is concerned, that this was the ice-breaker for him to become reacquainted as a friend with Elvis, after all those years.

* The pace could be brutal between touring and schedules, but Vegas was best. The Turners' annual stays at the International, later the Hilton, allowed them to bring the kids along, sometimes taking all four of them to the big room to catch Elvis' extravaganza and he would have the whole family stand for a round of applause.
** {{w|Tina Turner}}, in her autobiography &quot;I Tina: My life story Tina Turner&quot;, written with Kurt Loder

* So I picked up the two Guralnick biographies and started reading them, and as you do if you're reading books about music, you start listening to the tracks as you're going along. Before I'd finished the first book I became a diehard Elvis fan, and by the time I'd finished the second one I had an Elvis tattoo. He might not have written his own songs, but he was the master producer and engineer of his generation. It's also popular opinion to say that the original Hound Dog is better, but no it fucking isn't. That's just bollocks. Elvis' version of that song is lightyears ahead, and if you listen to the two of them back-to-back you can hear what he was doing. This was obviously the ‘50s so it was all cut live, and he’d stand in the middle of the room with all the musicians around him and they’d do 60 takes in a row. He’d be like, ‘Bar three, verse two; drop that F sharp to an E. Now let’s do it again.’ He was in full control of his vision. It's taken me until my mid-30s to realise it, and when I was younger I didn't really get it.
** {{w|Frank Turner}} English folk singer-songwriter from Meonstoke, who began his career as the vocalist of post-hardcore band Million Dead, in an interview to Rock Icon-s Matt Stocks, and published in their online edition on 1 September 2016.

* You want me to describe Elvis? Wow!!
** {{w|Shania Twain}}, in 2002 Elvis Lives ABC Special

* But even the power of organized religion paled beside the personal changes I felt come over me in the mid-1950s when I heard Elvis Presley's &quot;Mystery Train&quot; on the radio for the first time. Determined to get a berth of my own on the fast-moving train of rock 'n' roll, I quickly made my way up to Memphis and the legendary Sun Studios. There, I talked producer Sam Phillips into giving me a shot at making some records of his own.
** {{w|Conway Twitty}}, in a book entitled Elvis the Last word, 1999.

* This is the best way to hear Elvis the Superstar, with &quot;Hound Dog,&quot; (1956),&quot;All Shook Up,(1957), &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight&quot; (1960), and the ever zany &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; (1969), still sounding fresh and immediate —impressive given how many times most the world has heard them —, and showing off the diversity of Elvis' singing, from the purity of his gospel falsetto to his rock and roll purr.
** Josh Tyrangiel, reviewing &quot;Elvis 30 Number One hits&quot;, for TIME magazine`s &quot;The All Time best 100 albums&quot;, as published in its November 13, 2006 edition.

* I'd really love to bump Elvis
** Bill Tyre, Executive Director and curator of Chicago's {{w|John J. Glessner House}}, expressing his wish for the Glessner House and Museum to displace Graceland from the top spot in the 2018's USA Annual Holiday Poll

* Blue laws began in Texas in 1863 and were still being passed in 1961. Many states prohibited the selling of alcoholic beverages on and off premises in one form or another on Sundays, or at restricted times. Also, blue laws of Texas did not prohibit most businesses being open on Sundays, but all of the restrictions made it impractical to open.Can anyone imagine when some Sunday shopping was a crime?If this blue law was still in effect today,we would all go to jail and cause a Jailhouse Rock with an 8.6 magnitude on the musical Richter scale like Elvis did back in his heyday.
** African American columnist Chris Tyson, as published in an article entitled &quot;Never on Sundays&quot;, and published in the Huntsville Item, on 24 September 2016.

== U ==

* It has something for everyone, except perhaps Irving Berlin, who attempted to get Elvis's recording of &quot;White Christmas&quot;banned from radio play, deeming it &quot;vulgar and disrespectful&quot;. And it was, which is part of the reason why the drastically rearranged tune is so memorable, as the then-young singer masticated the contemporary classic, adding his idiosyncratic dynamics and trills (the so-called educated yodels of one's vocal chords); equally irreverent and just as riveting is the King's gritty take on Leiber and Stoller's &quot;Santa Claus Is Back in Town&quot;, one of the most sexually suggestive holiday tunes ever, and his rollicking &quot;Here Comes Santa Claus&quot;. And who can forget the song that changed the hue of Yuletide, &quot;Blue Christmas&quot;, or his wistful, definitive version of &quot;I'll Be Home for Christmas&quot;, which cemented his reputation as pop's top dreamboat. Along with Phil Spector's &quot;Christmas Gift for You&quot;, this is arguably the finest Rock &amp; Roll Christmas album of all-time, a seasonal yet essential recording belonging under any Christmas tree.
** Jaan Uhelszki and Bill Holdship, reviewing &quot;Elvis Christmas Album (1957 version), for AMAZON.COM

* Elvis was one of the prime architects of rock and roll music. As such, he influenced several generations both musically and socially. The urgency in Presley's voice is just one part of the equation, and the ease with which he swings tells the rest of the story. Equal parts balladeer and rockabilly king, Elvis played both sides of the fence. He was both tender-love-man and hard-hitting rebel. As this collection proves, his genius was in the way he made it work.
** UK Channel 4's review of &quot;Elvis Golden Record, Volume II&quot;

* It is not enough to reject the capitalist decadence with words, to speak out against the ecstatic singing of someone like Elvis Presley. We have to offer something better...
** {{w|Walter Ulbricht}}, East German Communist Party leader, in a speech delivered at a cultural conference in April of 1959, and as published by EIN's online page on October 20, 2012.

* The course examines the history of rock music, primarily as it unfolded in the United States, from the days before rock (pre-1955), to the end of the 1960s. It covers the music of Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Phil Spector, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and many more artists, with an emphasis both on cultural context and on the music itself. The course will also explore how developments in the music business and in technology helped shape the ways in which styles developed.
** The {{w|University of Rochester}}'s description of Part I of their 2018 online course on the history of rock music, as noted in The Indian Express' December 26 2018 edition and in an article entitled ̊&quot;From dog psychology to history of rock music, these offbeat online courses were a hit in 2018̊

* Elvis Presley, for example, became a key supporter of Father Don Mowery's work, having grown up in Lauderdale Courts, one of the many Memphis housing projects well served by Youth Service during this period. Interestingly, Elvis' donations always came with a catch, namely that they never be put into the general-operating fund, but instead set aside for “special projects.” By 1985, Memphis-style programs were operating in dozens of cities all across America, father Mowery's concept generally considered the most innovative social-service effort developed between the military and civilian sectors in the late-twentieth century. And although no one knew at that time how much of an impact Elvis' contributions would have on the future of the organization, much of the funding for this national expansion came precisely from that “special projects” fund that Elvis Presley had supported in the 1960s.
** Excerpted from an article on the life and times of Father Don Mowery, the founder of Youth Service, USA, written by Darrell Userton, published on Memphis Magazine on May 1, 2015.

* Society is always on the lookout for a cultural target for finger pointing when the establishment has issues, especially generationally with its youth. In the '50s, comic books became the easiest target to blame for the post-World War II rise of juvenile delinquency in America because certainly, society never believes anything is the fault of the establishment, itself, nor its parents, teachers, clergyman, politicians, etc. So in the early '50s, comic books were mounted on the cultural crucifix. To this day, I believe that the comic books as we know them would not have survived that attack had it not been for the emergence of Elvis Presley. Quickly, the finger turned and pointed at him, instead. Of course, this was followed by 45 RPM record burnings in cities across our nation. Over the decades, that witch-hunt of blame has moved from comic books to Elvis Presley to Saturday morning cartoons to rap to hip-hop to video games, because, again, nothing is ever the fault of society, itself....
** {{w|Michael E. Uslam}}, American producer of the Batman films, in an article defending Stan Lee̪'s contributions after an attack on his legacy by Bill Maher, as published at the HollywoodReporter on November 20, 2018

== V ==

* I know he didn't write songs but, to me, Elvis Presley was the complete artist. His voice, his song choice, his energy and attitude, his perfect hair and clothes: it felt like he'd been sent from another planet. It was incomprehensible to me that this was a man who made mistakes, or who felt sadness or loneliness. I recently visited his childhood home in Tupelo, Mississippi and it was in stark contrast to the life I'd imagined. To a child, he seemed invincible – and he made me feel it too. To watch Elvis and to listen to his songs was pure escapism and aspiration. &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; was my first love. From as early as I can remember, I knew that if I could channel some of that raw power I saw in him, life would be better for it. I guess, like all of us, he was flawed as a man, but he was the perfect entertainer.&quot;
* UK singer, songwriter and guitarist Justin Young, frontman for {{w|The Vaccines}}, choosing his favorite musician of all time in an article published in the Guardian and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's power, Tina Turner's legs: musicians pick their biggest influences&quot;, as published on March 1, 2018.

* That's what rock'n'roll, born of blues and country music, channeled through charming, southern Christian men like Little Richard and Elvis Presley, has always done for us.
** {{w|Siva Vaidhyanathan}}'s review for the Guardian of the movie &quot;Blinded by the light&quot;, about an Indian youngster influenced by the music of Bruce Springsteen, as published in their August 15, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley? He is the greatest rock &amp; roller.
** {{w|Hilton Valentine}}, guitarrist for the Animals' answer when asked to provide a one-sentence impression of several important musicians, as noted in an article published by Forbes magazine' October 27, 2020 edtiuon and entitled &quot;Why Did The 60s Group The Animals Break Up At The Height Of Its Popularity?

* I was really happy about his success, because acceptance wasn't really too great in those days unless you were a schooled singer, so it opened up a whole new thing for young performers who had not studied voice but just had feel. It made me a little sad to think that here was a man who came along and probably made one of the greatest contributions to rock n roll music ever, and people would come in and criticise his shows, (In fact), for someone to have given that much joy to that many people, he shouldn't of had to do anything but walk out on that stage and just stand there. And I sometimes wonder if people in that sense are sadistic and wait to see you fall or hope to see you fall.
** {{w|Frankie Valli}}'s comments to reporter Heather Bernard at News Center 4,, and as broadcast on August 17, 1977.

* The only time I met was in Las Vegas, at night, but what a time that was!!!
** {{w|Mamie Van Doren}}, recounting her only encounter with Elvis, in an article published on Closer Weekly's April 5, 2020 edition

* When I was a very little girl, my aunt told me never to listen to Elvis Presley’s music. She asserted (forcefully, I might add) how Elvis (supposedly) said, “The only thing Negroes can do for me is buy my records and shine my shoes.” My aunt also declared he stole black music, so, I now ask myself, why would an African American woman defend a white man she was raised to hate? I decided on a full study and complete unmasking of falsely reported news surrounding the life and career of Elvis Presley. The truth about the invented slur lies in white liberals owning media outlets like {{w|Sepia (magazine)|Sepia}}, magazine where they could make money exploiting statements and falsifying others because so many whites during the era openly made stupid remarks against black people. So when a black radio station decided to play Elvis' music and black people started acknowledging that they listened to and bought Elvis' records, white liberals went into panic mode and the slur was invented.
** Joyce Rochelle Vaughn, African American writer, explaining how the matter of Elvis being a racist came about, as noted in the preface of her book &quot;Thirty Pieces of Silver: The Betrayal of Elvis Presley&quot; Justice Payne Publishing, USA, 2016 (713 pages, Illustrated, ISBN 978-0-9982708-1-4).

* Pope Francis sends me his personal  CDs, classical but also tango, Elvis and Piaf...
** Gian Guiodo Vecci, top columnist for Italy's  {{w|Corriere della Sera}},in an article published on January 13, 2022. 

* There was a time when the B-side might save you. You put all that effort into making records and then not to give people an A-side and a B-side, I loved that. I used to go into someplace in Fargo and put the nickel in the jukebox, listen to Elvis on the jukebox for 4 days and then flip the record over. A lot of my stuff was B-sides and I was glad to have them. They paid the same as the A-side.
** {{w|Bobby Vee}}, in an interview with Craig Moore, of Goldmine, as published on May 14, 2009

* I listen to Elvis Presley, Chainsmokers, Miranda Lambert, Kendrick Lamar, Taylor Swift and Royal Blood.
** {{w|Abhisit Vejjajiva}}, the 27th Prime Minister of Thailand, on his favourite musicians, as published on BKO on May 20, 2018.

*- My earliest connection with Elvis was that my substitute English teacher at Paxton High was {{w|Mae Axton}}, who seven months later would go on to write &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;. Mae was also a show promoter and in the late spring of 1955 she brought the {{w|Hank Snow}} Show to the Gator Bowl Baseball Stadium and that was how I met Elvis. Before the start of the show, I got backstage, talked to him for a long time and then I finally introduced myself to him. He then said &quot;Well I'm Elvis Presley&quot; and I thought 'Wow, that's a strange name' as I had never even heard his name before that. I was there actually to see Snow who headlined and so forth, but as soon as he hit the stage I knew who he was! I'd been thinking that he was just a guitar player but when he went out on stage they came out of the bleachers, pushed so hard you just couldn't hold them back. There just wasn't enough protection as this was a Country show. Elvis was bottom of the bill that day and he hadn't even had a major hit yet, so you wonder what Snow must have thought of the reaction. That day, on May 13, 1955, was the first time I had ever seen a show with so much screaming and fan input. I'd never seen anything like that. It was unbelievable.
** Singer and Rock memorabilia collector {{w|Jimmy Velvet}}, recalling the day when he met the then 20 year old Elvis Presley before the start of his May 13, 1955 show at the Gator Bowl Baseball Park in Jacksonville Florida, a concert known as being the first Elvis riot of its kind, with some 7,000 people rushing the stage.

* Especially in the South, they speak about Elvis and Jesus in the same breath.
** Writer {{w|Michael Ventura}}, LA Weekly

* The one thing that I envy is Bill Belew having the job of dressing Elvis Presley. That job I would've liked'.
** Fashion designer {{w|Gianni Versace}}, as first reported by Esquire magazine, in an interview with Bill Belew in 2016.

* Not only are we thrilled to take viewers into one of America's most beloved private residences, home of the late, great Elvis Presley, we are also thrilled to put the soundtrack of his legendary career behind our romantic holiday movie.
**{{w|Michelle Vicary}}, Executive VP of Hallmark in announcing country singer {{w|Kellie Pickler}}'s 2018 Xmas movie, as published in SoundslikeNashville on May 25, 2018.

* While I was recuperating at Veterans' Hospital in Portsmouth, VA, I went to nearby Norfolk, where I first saw an up and coming singer named Elvis Presley perform at Hank Snow's All Star Jamboree. This experience changed my life. Seeing him on television, as well, I practically launched out of the hospital bed and onto the stage...
** Singer {{w|Gene Vincent}}, from the archives of the Rockabilly Legends.

* After seeing &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, where Elvis gets out of jail and makes his own records, takes them to the radio stations himself to finally put his records in the stores, I then made records and put them in stores.
** Singer {{w|Bobby Vinton}} as noted in brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/bobbyvinto241039.html?src=t_elvis_presley

* Wide raging voices̠ː Singers with extensions from B1 to A5. Elvis Presley's B1 may be heard on the song &quot;Such a Night&quot; and on &quot;Mystery Train&quot; an A5 is reached towards the end. Later in his career, he developed a rich baritone voice which still mastered the higher register with immense power, such as on &quot;American Trilogy&quot;, &quot;Unchained Melody&quot; or the joking &quot;Little Darlin&quot;
** Chapter on {{w|Vocal Music}} as noted in Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

* He arrived early to my home, the revolutionary. And  I always referred to him to understand the difference between wjhat is  folfclore and what vis the business of rock music. He influenced singers in every country in the world 
**  Colombian musician {{w|Carlos Vives}} for Gibson guitars, in a youtube video issued 13 July 2022. 

* I asked him how he felt about Estes Kefauver and Adlai Stevenson from the Democratic National Convention, and about the Andrea Doria disaster, the Empire waistline in the world of fashion, and Pablo Casals, the world's greatest cellist. His answer was that he would rather keep his views to himself because he did not want to be labeled, so I left him alone. Later I found out that Elvis always enjoyed telling the story of how he managed to outsmart me and every other reporter by answering questions without really answering them.
** Luther Voltz Jr, who interviewed Elvis for the Miami Herald on August 6, 1956. Had the interview taken place eight months later, Elvis could have at least spoken hours about the Andrea Doria, knowing as well as he did, as of April of 1957, one of the survivors, songwriter Mike Stoller.

* Long before the plans for an actual rock museum in Cleveland were hatched, a group headed by Rolling Stone's Jann Wenner and Atlantic Records' Ahmet Ertegun started off the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with two induction ceremonies-cum-concerts, in 1986 and 1987, bringing in a total of 25 blues-and-rock groundbreakers primarily from the ‘50s, including Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Elvis Presley. Presley is in fact rock’s greatest presence, shaking a country with a single-handed nuclear reaction of country, gospel, and the blues. Along with the Beatles, he is the epitome of pop stardom as well.
** {{w|New York (magazine)|Vulture}} magazine's laud of Elvis, who they ranked amongst the top 5 Rock and Roll hall of Famers of all time, as published on their January 12, 2019 edition

* Any young man who calls his mother “baby” and speaks baby-talk with her must love her tenderly. But Elvis Presley didn't just love his mother – he worshiped her. In return, she inspired him to create a sound that would change popular music forever. It was Gladys who gave her son his first guitar for his 11th birthday, even though Elvis had preferred a bicycle. And it was his love for Gladys that prompted him to record his first song, My Happiness as a special birthday gift for her. The spiritual bond between mother and son had existed from the minute Elvis was born. On 8 January 1935 the then 22-year-old Gladys suffered a hemorrhage and barely survived giving birth to a set of twins. The first one, Jesse Garon, was stillborn, which led Gladys to believe that the surviving twin, Elvis Aaron, had inherited Jesse's soul. Elvis, she believed, was “the One”. Throughout his childhood she instilled in him how special he was. So when the studio receptionist at Sun Records asked Elvis what kind of singer he was, the 18-year-old answered, “I don’t sound like nobody.” The belief in her only son's special calling, whatever that would turn out to be, made Gladys very protective of Elvis. Over the objections of her husband, Vernon, she made sure he never spent a night away from home until he was 17. Once Elvis's musical career took off in a big way in 1956 things went south for his muse. Then, in 1958, when Elvis was drafted into the Army, she succumbed to a heart attack. After her death Elvis remained an incredibly successful artist. In 1977, at the age of 42, he died from an overdose of medications at Graceland. The date was 16 August – the very same day he had buried his beloved mother 19 years earlier and inconsolably wept, “Oh, God, everything I have is gone.”
** Jenny Volvovski, Julia Rothman and Matt Lamothe, for the {{w|Daily Telegraph|Telegraph}} in an article entitled &quot;Behind every great man.....The women who made Elvis, Warhol and Nabokov great&quot;, as published on their 26 Oct 2014 edition.

== W ==

* He is the Elvis of Sea ice Science
** About {{w|Peter Wadham}}, as noted in Greenpeace 's July 2010 edition. 

* It was my mother's Elvis concerts from the 70's on VHS tapes that first drew me to the sheer thrill of an all-you-can-eat live performance. I just had this fascination for him. I was going to the Punters Club in Fitzroy but a lot of the bands I was watching were staring at their shoes, I mean shoe gaze was massive. Then I'd go home to my mothers's Elvis' tapes and nobody was owning a spotlight like that, nobody. I wanted to start a band that was putting on show. I wanted to reward people for leaving their living rooms if they were going to come out to watch a band, let's give them something visual as well as a band that sounds good.
** {{w|Henry Wagons}}, Australian singer/songwriter and frontman of the outlaw country rock band, Wagons, recalling what inspired him to become a rocker, in an article published by the Brisbane Times on February 8, 2018.

* I think about Elvis all the time.
** {{w|Tom Waits}}, as found in TSOE, 2018

* I loved everything about him.I grew up with singers, dancers and comics. At 15, I discovered Elvis Presley. A girl whom I wanted to take to the prom showed me a magazine clipping of her &quot;boyfriend.&quot; It was Elvis. This guy looked like a Greek god, and then I saw him on television. I loved everything about him, so I became a fan. I always wanted to stand in the same place he stood the night he caused all the commotion at the Ed Sullivan Theatre. May I?
** Oscar winner {{w|Christopher Walken}}, in an article entitled The Religious Affiliation of Christopher Walken, as published in Adherents.com and a couple of years later, explaining to Dave Letterman the reasons why he wrote &quot;Him&quot;, a play about Elvis.

* In fact, I first provided clothing for her during her first pregnancy in 1981, and continued to do so until her death in 1997. One such outfit, which Diana herself called her ‘Elvis Dress’, was worn by her both to the British Fashion Awards in October 1989 and then on an official visit to Hong Kong. The year of her passing away, the dress was bought for £81,203 at a benefit auction by The Franklin Mint, a company which produces memorabilia such as a portrait doll featuring her wearing this dress, thus making it one of the best-known of Diana's many outfits, and the second highest prized. The Mint returned the dress to the Diana Estate a few years later.
** Designer {{w|Catherine Walker (fashion designer)|Catherine Walker}}, describing the white silk strapless dress encrusted with pearls and sequins with a matching bolero jacket, which she designed with Elvis specifically in mind,as commissioned by Diana, the then Princess of Wales, and as noted in V&amp;A Search the Collections online page.

* I had a 45 rpm record player, one of those that accommodated little records with big holes in the middle and with the capacity to hold, what, 10 or so records, to drop down one at a time, until all 10 had played. But that's too general for what I've been thinking about. Specifically, it's one of the songs, really the only song I can say with certainty that I played, over and over and over again. “Lavender Blue” by Sammy Turner. And it, and others, made me know I loved music — most all kinds excusing jazz and opera. And then, it was Elvis. Controversial Elvis Presley. Would my folks let me listen to his music or watch him on our little black and white television? Then, before we knew it, Elvis was too big to be avoided or ignored. You had to watch him...
** {{w|Larry Walker}}, in an article for the Telegraph entitled &quot;Just another silly love song&quot;, and published on Nov. 5, 2016.

* i) One day we are in a recording session, here at RCA B, and he was talking to one of the clean up guys. Then three RCA people from New York, with suits and they walked up to Elvis, but he paid no attention to them. The clean up guy stopped talking, but Elvis said &quot;Go ahead, Sir&quot;. When he finished, the clean up guy shook his hand and thanked Elvis for talking to him. Then Elvis approached the guys from New York and said &quot;Gentlemen, if you see me talking to somebody, don't interrupt me, don't even walk up to me, I know when it{s your turn and I will walk up to you. And that was the end of it. ii) The best I have ever seen him look was in 1967, at the Circle G Ranch. His hair was black to blonde like it was naturally, the colour of a fawn. Just as shiny as could be. He had a suit and shoes the same color of his hair, so he walked in and we were stunned. He had been out riding his horses, was tanned and his eyes shunned like diamonds. We couldn't believe it. We just stood there and looked at him. Finally, he said &quot;Shall we dance?&quot;
** Singer {{w|Ray Walker (singer)|Ray Walker}} of the Jordainaires, who backed him from 1956 onwards, i) in an interview in 2016, and ii) as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* In constructing his own public image during the early 1950s, Elvis unconsciously appropriated, synthesised and ultimately capitalised upon images from a series of contemporary cultural icons. These ranged from Captain Marvel and Dean Martin to Jackie Wilson. ‘Cultural production’, states Madow, ‘is always (and necessarily) a matter of reworking, recombining, and redeploying already existing symbolic forms, sounds,narratives, and images’.To this effect – on the current standing of US publicity rights law – one could actually begin to question Elvis's right to call the Elvis image his own in the ﬁrst place; however, few would deny that the Elvis whole was deﬁnitely greater than the sum of its parts. The overall effect of his efforts was to create a unique image which had a fresh and vital meaning in post-war society. If there did not exist any rights of control ove power of the creation of cultural symbols then there would be little ﬁnancial incentive for individuals to spend the time, energy and resources to develop their ‘talents and produce works which ultimately beneﬁt society as a whole Elvis signs and their multiple meanings are so strong that Elvis has, in effect, mediated his own celebrity culture beyond the grave.
** {{w|David S. Wall}} UK Professor of Criminology at the Centre for Criminal Justice Studies, School of Law, University of Leeds, in his article &quot;Policing Elvis: Legal Action and the Shaping of Post-Mortem Celebrity Culture as Contested Space&quot; as published in Research Gate Nets' September 2003 edition.

* We have to still care about Elvis because if we don't, then we don't like music. He was the big bang, the sun around which all the other planets circled ever since and when he went down, we lost the first and the best.
** {{w|Mick Wall}}, UK writer, in the film The Day The Rock Star Died which premiered on October 16, 2018 AXS TV

* Basically, Elvis Presley was doing self-defense techniques because he couldn't spar, it was simply too dangerous. He had to preserve his voice, so contact to the face or neck was out. He also didn't want to risk breaking any bones, so he'd just train on and demonstrate self-defense moves like taking full-power shots to the stomach. He was a fine athlete, not a fighter, but that doesn't mean he wasn't able to fight, though. His technique —his side kick and his punches— looked as good as anybody else's. He wanted to do karate because he'd learned a bit of it in the Army and really liked it. The best part of working with him was beating up all of his people, like Red and Sonny West, Jerry Shilling and all the others. I just relegated them to pulp.
** US kickboxing Champion {{w|Bill Wallace}}, in an article published in Black Belt magazine on March 20, 2011.

* Well, now wait.You say he has no talent and yet I think that you'll agree that he has been taken into the bosom of America in a certain sense and has been very well paid for it...
** {{w|Mike Wallace}}, defending Elvis in an interview broadcast on November 16, 1957, with syndicated gossip columnist Elsa Maxwell, who seconds before had labelled Elvis as a &quot;young, no talented, utterly unattractive man with a horrible face and with that lank hair that falls down driving young women all over the country in some sort of ecstasy&quot;

* With the way he was marketed, he didn't even need to be able to sing the way he could. But Elvis had talent, plain and simple. The guy had a thousandth-octave range, and a variety in his vocal styles and approach, he could make more vocal tones, with just his voice, than a guitar player with 50 pedals and gadgets. If you never even saw the guy, you could plain feel, not just hear, the emotion and passion in his voice, and you are immediately taken in, one hundred percent. On the merit of vocals alone, he had more talent in the barbecue stuck in his teeth than the singers who sell millions of records do today.
** Country singer Roger Wallace, in the web`s &quot;Soapbox&quot;

* A Presley motion picture is the only sure thing in Hollywood.”
** {{w|Hal Wallis}}, Producer of nine of Elvis' films, as published in www.graceland.com

* This is something I've always wanted to do: Take an evening, invite an audience and just be me. What you can expect is me playing music, answering almost all questions anyone would ask (except the ones that may incriminate me), a big screen power point presentation put together and narrated by me, guitar shop talk, slide guitar 101, true stories of road craziness, playing more music and I’m particularly excited to talk about my Elvis experiences —what he meant to me and what I meant to him. We’ll conclude with a Town Hall Meeting, including a strategy and platform discussion for my candidacy to run for President of the United States in 2020 and sing ‘God Bless America’ or something else (Elvis would want that).&quot;
** {{w|Joe Walsh}}, formerly with the James Gang, Barnstorm, Eagles, The Party Boys, and Ringo Starr &amp; His All-Starr Bands, announcing his forthcoming appearance at the newly built Elvis Presley Guesthouse in Memphis, as published by Graceland com.

* Is it true Elvis took you often to tour the morgue? Why̞?
** {{w|Barbara Walters}}'s question to Priscilla Presley during her ABC TV 1985 interview.

* This era of biracial musical creation and consumption has been largely erased from popular memory. It lies buried beneath simplistic parables of white expropriation and exploitation of black culture in which Elvis Presley has become emblematic of centuries of uncompensated and unacknowledged white appropriation of black cultural ingenuity and labour. There is enormous moral power to this perspective and, to be sure, plenty of evidence of just such exploitation and theft. Nonetheless, it still makes for unpersuasive history and fails to help us to understand the significance of Elvis and the whole biracial rock-and-roll phenomenon that intersected with the dawn of the modern civil rights movement.
** {{w|Brian Ward}}, for the Independent, in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* Arguably the finest recording found in all the Sun sessions, &quot;Trying To Get To You&quot;(1955), is a song that Presley made his own due to his hugely committed vocal, and the simple carefree abandon with which he performs it; at first, it feels like a classic country song with simple, elegant lyrics; but it is at the bridge – where Elvis really lets fly –, that the song is transformed from a lovely country lament, into deep blues; although the 1955 version is magnificent, Elvis manages to better it on his &quot;1968 Comeback Special&quot;, in which he sings the song with so much intensity, it prompted critic Greil Marcus to exclaim &quot;this is probably the finest rock and roll ever recorded.
** Thomas Ward's review, for AllMusicGuide.com, of &quot;Trying To Get To You&quot;, whose original version has now been confirmed, by BMG/RCA (which owns all the Presley Sun catalogue), as having been sang and recorded by Elvis while simultaneously playing the piano, with Sun Records' Sam Philipps immediately arranging the mix so that his rather loud (and then still amateurish) piano playing could ''not'' be heard in the final master take.

* i) I liked Dylan, the way he created a brilliant new style. I even gave him one of my silver &quot;Double Elvis&quot; paintings. Later on, though, I heard rumors that he had used it as a dart board up in the country. When I'd ask, ‘Why did he do that?’ I'd invariably get hearsay answers like ‘Listen to Like a Rolling Stone — I think you’re the ‘diplomat on the chrome horse, man.’. I didn't know exactly what they meant by that — I never listened much to the words of songs — but I got the tenor of what people were saying — that Dylan didn't like me ii) For forty-five minutes nonstop Ali raged on about prostitution on the steps of the White House, gravity, meteorites, jumping out of the window, Israel, Egypt, Zaire, South Africa, drugs, broken skulls, delusions, angel food cake, yellow hair, judgment day, Muslim morality, Jesus, boxing, Sweden, the Koran, friendship, and Elvis, relating it all to the central point that ‘man must obey the laws of God or perish!’”
** {{w|Andy Warhol}}, i) commenting on what could have happened to the painting he gave Bob Dylan, who years later regretted having exchanged it for some furniture with his manager, Albert Grossman. Upon the latter's death, his wife sold it to the New York Museum of Modern Art for US$700,000. Still, that was small change when compared to what a similar &quot;Double Elvis&quot; sold for at Sotheby's in 2012, namely 37.5 million dollars, exactly fifty times what Grossman's widow got. Dylan was flabbergasted when he found out and ii) From Ali's lectures entitled Friendship and The Real Cause of Man's Distress:, 1967 and as noted in Victor Bockris in his book “The Perfect Interview: The Ali-Warhol Tapes.” Gadfly, Apr. 1999

* Elvis Presley existed not only as a flesh-and-blood person but also as millions of pictures on album covers and movie screens, in newspapers and magazines. He was infinitely reproducible. Similarly, through use of the silkscreen printing process, Warhol could produce as many Elvis paintings as he pleased.
** The {{w|Andy Warhol}} Museum's official laud on Elvis Presley as a subject of Art.

* When we first met, I was like, 'OK, Pam, don't act a fool, but I was trying to keep my composure, because this was fricking Prince. It's like Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson. It doesn't get any higher than that.&quot;
** {{w|Pam Warren}}, African American DJ also known as Pam the Funkstress and the Coup DJ, referring to his main client, Prince, in an interview in the San Francisco Chronicle in May of 2016, and as published by Billboard on her obituary, dated 23 December 2017.

* As a single woman, I could always spot a handsome man. Elvis Presley was one of the prettiest, yes, prettiest and nicest people I ever known. Pictures and videos of him really did not do him justice. In 1969, when I opened at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas and he had opened at the International, I once went to see my aunt Cissy Houston (a member of Elvis' vocal backing group, the Sweet Inspirations), during one of their sound checks. Elvis was there and Cissy introduced me to him. He let me know he was a a fan of my recordings then had all the Vegas record stores place a photo of him inside of my albums. This he announced from the stage and added that anyone who bought any of my albums would find an autographed photo of him inside of it. That week I think I sold more albums in Las Vegas than I ever had. I will never forget this act of kindness. We lost an icon when he made his transition.
** {{w|Dionne Warwick}}, recalling the time she met Elvis, as told in her auto-biography &quot;My Life, As I See It&quot;, (pp 99-100), published in 2010. The story also dovetails nicely with that of her then ten year companion, actor {{w|Gianni Russo}}'s account of Elvis, in Las Vegas, watching a western being shown on television with him, then drawing his real guns to make fun of the scenes they were watching, as noted in his auto biography entitled “Hollywood Godfather: My Life in the Movies and the Mob”.

* There would be no current popular music without Elvis. He not only synthesized everything that had come before him in a really unique way, but he influenced everybody who came after — so you can have Blake Shelton and Adam Lambert influenced by the same cat.
** {{w|Don Was}}, Grammy-winning producer,in an interview with Rollingstone and published in their February 13, 2019 edition.

* I've just worked with this guy ( in reference to Austin Butler)  on stage and  I've never seen a work ethic like it.
** {{w| Denzel Washington}}' s advice to director and producer Baz Luhrmann, whom he didnt even know,   as to who  should play the lead role in the  2022 Warner Brothers production of &quot;Elvis&quot; as noted in a  E News article entitled &quot;How a &quot;Cold Call&quot; from Denzel Washington helped Austin Butler score Elvis' role, and as  published on their May 12, 2022 edition. 

* i) Elvis Presley got the polio vaccine backstage on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1956, then publicized it on radio, and vulnerable teenagers flocked to follow. Today’s stars should, too. Another tool: incentives. President {{w|Joe Biden }} on Wednesday called on employers to give paid time off for vaccination; how about other inducements, such as bonuses?
** {{w|The Washington Post}}'s Editorial Board's opinion on advocacies for vaccination during the Covid 19 pandemia, as atated in an article entitled &quot;The US has vaccimated half its adults, the problen is the other half&quot;, and published on their April 21, 2021 edition

* Elvis' range was about two and a quarter octaves, as measured by musical notation, but his voice had an emotional range from tender whispers to sighs down to shouts, grunts, grumbles and sheer gruffness that could move the listener from calmness and surrender, to fear. His voice can not be measured in octaves, but in decibels; even that misses the problem of how to measure delicate whispers that are hardly audible at all.
** Lindsay Waters, Executive Editor for the Humanities at Harvard University Press, in his essay &quot;Come softly, darling, hear what I say&quot;

*I better watch out. I believe whitey's picking up on the things that I'm doing 
**{{w|Muddy Waters}}, after listening to Elvis' &quot;Trouble&quot; while unaware that it was written for Elvis  by  Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoler, as noted in the book  &quot;Elvis Presley and the Politics of Popular Memory&quot;  

* In my seventeen years as doorman to the top hotel in Hollywood, the biggest star that ever stayed there was Elvis Presley. He was indeed one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. If I introduced any person to him, he would show the utmost courtesy and respect that they ever encountered. Sometimes, over the long years I felt that God had put him on this earth for a very special reason. When you use the phrase &quot;a very special person&quot;, that was Elvis Presley, in my opinion.
** Earl &quot;The Pearl&quot; Watson, African American doorman of the {{w|Knickerbocker Hotel (Los Angeles)|Knickerbocker Hotel}} from 1945 to 1962. In his bio entitled &quot;Doorman To The Stars̊, he also talked about wanting to write an ENTIRE book dedicated to his positive memories of Elvis

* Whereas Ottawa has the unique distinction of being just one of three cities outside of the United States where Elvis Presley had a live performance, April 3 shall henceforth be known as Elvis Presley day in the capital.
** {{w|Jim Watson (Canadian politician)|Jim Watson}}, Mayor of Ottawa, as reported by CBC News on April 3, 2017, celebrating the 60th anniversary of Elvis' two sold out Ottawa shows in the Canadian capital.

* Keith Richards taught me rock and roll. We’d have nothing to do all day and we’d play these records over and over again. I learned to love Muddy Waters. Keith turned me on to how good Elvis Presley was, and I’d always hated Elvis up ’til then.
** {{w|Charlie Watts}}, as quoted in his obituary piublished in CNBC's August 24, 2021 edition

* Men, women and children recently released from immigration detention centers at the border are passing through the Memphis Greyhound bus station by the hundreds. At the border, they were detained for two days and then let go, ready to continue on to Virginia. After answering some questions he, and Hondurean, excused himself. &quot;We're hungry,&quot; he said in Spanish. Then he and his son got in line with other migrants at the restaurant inside the station. Wearing a tan jacket, he counted his dollar bills and coins and tried to figure out how to order a hamburger without speaking English. His son, wearing a baseball cap, pointed him out to a postcard of Elvis Presley...
** Michaela Watts, writing for {{w|The Commercial Appeal}} in an article entitled &quot;Greyhound station becomes transit point for Central Americans&quot; and published in that paper's 9 November 2018 edition.

* Elvis Presley. That lit the fuse for me.
** {{w|Jim Weatherly}}, Former University of Mississippi Quarter Back and songwriter, in reference to what turned him away from a career in football and into one of music, as published on the Clarion Ledger on October 12, 2018.

* Everything is collectible, it seems, even human hair. Outbidding an international field of collectors, an unnamed Londoner paid $13,000 last week to purchase a lock of Napoleon's hair, reportedly snipped a day after the Emperor's death in 1821. For those in the know, that's a relative bargain, particularly in view of what collectors have spent on strands from another famous head, namely that of Elvis Presley, whose small jar of hair sold for $115,000 in 2002. (In fact), Presley's barber had reportedly saved his hair in a bread bag. &quot;I have no idea what [the collector] intends to do with it,&quot; said a representative from the Chicago company, MastroNet, that held the internet auction.
** {{w|The Week}}'s collective answer to the question making up the headline of their article of July 6 of 2010 and entitled &quot;Strands of glory: Is Napoleon's hair worth more than Elvis'?

* It was seeing Elvis Presley on The Milton Berle Show, before Ed Sullivan. I already was pretty musical and seeing Elvis and his band, particularly his drummer, D.J. Fontana, just kind of grabbed me. Then, of course, four or five months later, he was on The Ed Sullivan Show and everything just... well, that was the Big Bang.
**{{w|Max Wienberg}}, drummer for Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band and television personality, answering how he first got the rock and roll urge in an interview with the Jerusalem Post, as published on January 27, 2018.

* I went to see Col. Parker with the million dollars he'd asked me to put up, which I got in two days, from an investor since I didn't have a cent to my name, so that is when he introduced me to Elvis, as his promoter. And Elvis, who was actually two years older than me just said &quot;Thank you very much, Sir&quot;. Anyways, by the time the two week tour wound up, in San Diego, I was a millionaire, too (LOL).
** Rock promoter and Hollywood producer {{w|Jerry Weintraub}}, recalling how he made his first million dollars, in an interview with Charlie Rose on Nov. 10, 1998

* Is it 2018 and the subject is the Long Range Stand-Off Weapon (LRSO)? No, it's 1956 and the subject is the AGM-28 cruise missile. Choosing the same solution (for the same aircraft!) decades apart seems like eye-roll material, but modern drone makers can draw much inspiration from the older missile. By the mid 1950s Soviet air defenses could shoot down American bombers well before they got within bombing range of important targets, so in 1956 the Strategic Air Command (SAC) asked for a supersonic cruise missile big enough to carry an H-bomb several hundred miles, and small enough for a B-52 to carry along with its bomb load. The missile's onboard inertial navigation system let it place its 1.45-megaton W-28 warhead within two miles of its target at six-hundred-miles range. It ran like a scalded dog and took its name from the Elvis Presley tune—the &quot;Hound Dog&quot;. Peak deployment spanned the 1960s into the middle 1970s, with up to 29 bomber wings carrying them on patrol. But as early as 1966 Defense Secretary Robert McNamara sought to retire them, so they went to the kennels in 1975 for dead storage, and the last one (save for a few museum displays) was scrapped about a year after Elvis himself died. They lingered long enough for their whiz-bang terrain-matching guidance system to become perfected and miniaturized in America's modern cruise missile weapons as deployed in the late 1970s and 1980s. Future drone motherships are certain to adopt and adapt its close bond with its owner— the fuel, thrust, electrical and data hosted by the motherships will be essential to swarms. The Hound Dogs will shed their fleas, indeed.
* Steve Weintz, in an article entitled &quot;The AGM-28 'Hound Dog' Cruise Missile: How the US Air Force Planned to Drop a Hydrogen Bomb on Russia&quot;, published in the {{w|National Interest}} on August 18, 2018.

* Elvis was probably the most important thing in music, maybe ever
** {{w|Bob Weir}}, singer-songwriter and guitarist, founding member of the {{w|Grateful Dead}}, in an interview for ABC's Elvis Lives.

* In early 1957, I flew to Hollywood to finally meet him. It was late in the day, and he had already recorded quite a few songs so, during a break in the session, I noticed him sitting alone in the corner, adlibbing some blues on the guitar. I wandered over to the piano next to him, sat down and joined in. He didn't look up, kept on playing and even changed keys on me, but I followed along. Then he looked up with that smile he was famous for, and asked who I was and what I was doing in the studio? I told him I had composed one of the songs he was about to record called 'Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do'. He immediately called out to his musicians and they recorded it on the spot. I never imagined the impact he was about to make on the world. Anyways,a couple of months later, I went to see one of the two Elvis shows he gave in Philly and the place was mobbed, girls with their feet dangling down from the balconies, everybody going crazy. I sat there and said 'This is a phenomenon! As a matter of fact while I was sitting there, a tomato went hurling through the air -Elvis was already on stage, and it hit and broke the strap on his guitar-. He stopped the show and said 'Hey,wait a minute! If somebody's got a problem up there, why don't you just come down here and we'll work it out'. Whoever threw it, would't come down from the balcony,but the person sure got bood....
** {{w|Ben Wiseman}}, Music composer best known for having written more songs recorded by Elvis (fifty seven) than any other songwriter in history, recalling his attending the Philly concert on April 5,1957,as noted in an interview with EIN.

* No one had any expectations, he being was such a strange, quiet fellow — so completely foreign, but he sang and read a scene from The Rainmaker and answered questions asked from off-screen — and it was phenomenal. It was amazing to be there, one of those life-changing experiences.&quot;
** Screenwriter {{w|Allan Weiss}}, in his 2004 book &quot;Elvis Presley: The Man. The Life. The Legend&quot;, in a specific reference to his being there with producer Hal Wallis on the day Elvis did his first screen test for Paramount, and as published on his obituary by The Hollywood Reporter on 3/27/2017

* When you picture past presidents of the United States, whom do you see? Perhaps you envision John F. Kennedy as a doting father playing with his children in the West Wing. Maybe you remember Richard Nixon as the smiling yet stiff leader who posed hand-in-hand with Elvis Presley in the Oval Office. In the case of Barack Obama, you might recall him as the solemn-faced Commander in Chief, watching the Osama Bin Laden raid in the Situation Room, or as the first African-American president, bowing his head so that a 5-year-old black boy could compare their haircuts. Official White House photographers —the image-makers who quietly author visual archives of America's Commanders in Chief— craft these impressions, which become indelible in the public imagination.
** {{w|Artsy (website)|Haley Weiss}} for Artsy, in an article entitled ̊̊How White House Photographers Have Shaped the Image of the Presiden̊t̊ and published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I put Elvis Presley up there with Jolson and Sinatra, and I'll go one step further: Elvis was the greatest pop entertainer of the 20th century. Like Al Jolson, he gave his all when performing: He sang from his heart, his body, the very essence of his total being, when sharing what he felt.&quot;
** {{w|Mort Weiss}}, Jazz clarinet musician, recalling his having shared a train with Presley when they were both 21 years old, as published on the February 25, 2012 online edition of Something else. at www.somethingelseviews.com

* He played the San Diego Arena in the spring, and my family lived in nearby La Jolla, so I went to the concert. &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; was already a radio hit, and I couldn't get enough of it. Hearing that song was a real turning point for me as a teenager. When I saw him in action, he was mesmerizing, dressed as he was in a pair of loose trousers, loafers, a shirt and open jacket. When he moved, he was smoldering, his hair falling over his eyes, his tone sensual. His delivery on &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; was also in a minor key, which always triggered a reaction in me. But it was when he slipped in those low-register Elvis-isms— you know, the huh-huh thing— it came from his body, not from his head. He had that emotional intensity that was impossible to resist.
** {{w|Raquel Welch}}, in an interview with the Wall Street Journal on Oct. 25, 2013

* He a had a magic combination of looks and voice, and you can̪t discount how good looking he was as a young man and he was the guy who really brought black music into the vocabulary.
** {{w|Jann Wenner}}, co founder of RollingStone, in an interview for A&amp;E's miniseries the Greatest 100 people of the millennium.

* He was almost at the point where he was being recognized as a national star, but not quite. I'll give you an example. Once, in a railroad station in Chattanooga, TN, we were waiting to change trains. Elvis went over to a magazine rack and picked up a movie magazine. He found a photo of himself inside and says to me 'Al, can I have a pen?' I gave him one and he scribbled his name inside the magazine. Then he goes over to the two girls working at the rack. He had the spread open to his picture, showing it to them. He's also looking back at me with a huge Cheshire Cat grin. Their reaction was 'That'll be 35 cents sir'. Then Elvis said to them 'No, this is for you. I'm Elvis Presley'. In the meantime, I'm capturing pictures of all of this, which is really what I wanted.
** Alfred Wertheimer, who took over 2,500 images of Elvis in a period of eight shooting days, divided in two groups, the first in March of 1956, at the specific request of RCA, and then in late September of 1958 on the day he left for Germany, as a soldier in the {{w|Elvis Presley's Army career|U.S. Army}}, in an interview with EIN's online page on April 30, 2011.

* Can I talk to Elvis? said the caller. “This is Jimmy Carter”. Indeed it was the then President-elect calling from Atlanta, where he'd seen him the day before, to ask Elvis to be a youth spokesman. A few hours later, with the temperature near zero and the wind gusting to 30 mph, Elvis rousted his entourage and ordered everyone to the airport for the flight home. They got on the Lisa Marie, but the pilot couldn't get it started right away, so they all huddled together in blankets waiting for the plane to start and heat up. And then they get word of a bomb threat, so they had to sign papers authorizing it to take off anyway. As the plane rolled down the runway at Pittsburgh airport, we all just sat there in silence looking at each other and wondering if this was going to be it. Had that been “it,” Elvis would have gone out on a high note.
** {{w|Tim Wesley}} from his book, “My Boxes: A Nostalgic Collection of Stories and Stuff,”

* It's our responsibility as musicians to keep pushing each other, to keep competing with each other. It's a really great competition. I see here artists like Beyonce and Alicia Keys and Rihanna and Chris Brown and Chris Martin, all in the same room, and we're going to push this music to the point where it was like in the 1960s and '70s, when the talk was about Led Zeppelin, and Jimi Hendrix, and the Beatles. We (all) will be the new Beatles. We (all) will be the new Hendrix; (in fact) in any other industry, they'll tell you that you're supposed to do better than those in the past, so when you say, 'I want to be Elvis,' they say, 'What's wrong with you?' Well, I wanna be Elvis.
** {{w|Kanye West}}, in accepting Best Album honors in the Rap &amp; Hip-Hop category, at the American Music Awards, on November 23, 2008

* I once met a young man from Mexico who asked me why Elvis didn't like Mexican people because he'd heard the rumours that he had criticized his countrymen. I told him it was all lies and that Elvis loved Mexicans. He told me that Elvis was supposed to have said Mexicans were greasy haired people. I told him to remember that Elvis was the one who put stuff in his hair to make it greasy and he even died it black too. There were many reports about things Elvis was supposed to have said that he never did, in fact he was upset that he wasn't allowed to go into Mexico because of riots. On the set of Fun In Acapulco, Elvis got upset with the director,(Richard Thorpe, who had already directed him in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;) because he got onto a couple of the actors because they spoke broken English and even yelled, “Jesus Christ, can’t you get the lines right?”. Elvis took him aside and said, 'Sir, those people were hired by the producer and he knew how they spoke and also knew their language, but he wanted them and they're doing the best they can. Rehearse with them more or whatever but please don't be doing that. I don't like you doing that to them' and the director stopped it.
** {{w|Sonny West}}, who was Elvis' bodyguard until 1976, in his autobiography Fame and Fortune.

* We had crew cuts, wore tee-shirts and blue jeans, Elvis had the long duck-tail, the long sideburns and he wore the loud clothes, and naturally he was a target for all the bullies. One day luckily I walked into the boys' bathroom at Humes High School and 3 guys were going to cut his hair just, you know, to make themselves look big or make them feel big or whatever, and I intervened and stopped it. And I guess that stuck because a couple of years later after Elvis had his first record he came over and asked me if I would like to go with him, I think it was Grenada, Mississippi or somewhere, and I went and I was with him from then on, except for a couple of years in the Marine Corps.
** {{w|Red West}}, who went to high school with Elvis, then became one of his bodyguards until 1976, as told in an interview with Elvis Australia on May 29, 2008

* With his blue eyes he should photograph well with black hair.
** Paramount's top make-up artist {{w|Wally Westmore}}'s suggestion to producer Hal Wallis, after meeting Presley in early October of 1956, in preparation for his second movie, &quot;Loving You&quot;, which was shot in Technicolor in early 1957. Wallis approved and his hair was then dyed black, as noted in za.pinterest.com/pin/268879040226515826/ on January 28, 2018. Wallis approved and his hair was then dyed black.

* We all know, of course, that Elvis was a philanthropist and humanitarian. The stories of his generosity are legendary. Yet here is a tidbit that I believe is a monumental testament to his true nature, one that most people have never heard. On Christmas Eves when most of us spend that entire special evening with our families, Elvis would leave the house and go to the local jail. He visited every prisoner no matter their race, gender, creed and the severity of the alleged crime and talked with every single one. I was told by the officers he would ask each one why they were there and how he could help them. And help them he did in any way he could. He took notes, planned what he would do for each and every one he could possibly do something for. Of course in most of our religions and particularly Christianity, we are taught that Jesus told us to comfort those in need, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the sick, shelter the homeless etc.&quot;I was in prison and ye visited me&quot; is one that I venture to guess not many of us, even though we call ourselves Christian believers, would ever do. Elvis Presley not only believed what he was taught, but physically acted on those teachings. Most of us (including me) somehow decide this one instruction is just easy to ignore and/or better left &quot;out&quot; of our good deeds. Still, he kept contacting their families to see if they needed financial assistance. Were their children alright? Their husbands or wives̞? And he made certain they would be helped once they served their time and that they had proper representation in the court by a decent attorney. How many of us would do this at any time, let alone on Christmas Eves?
** Soprano {{w|Kathy Westmoreland}}, the little girl with the high voice, as Elvis used to call her during the tours she accompanied Elvis in the 1970's, in an article entitled ̊&quot;How Elvis Secretly Spent His Christmas Eves̊&quot; 2011.

* Believe me, Benny just had this incredible electricity about him. He was the Elvis Presley of Cleveland.
** {{w|The Cars|Wayne Weston}}'s laud of his early band mate Benjamin Orr, later founder of {{w|The Cars}} in an article entitled Let's go: Benjamin Orr &amp; The Cars by Joe Milliken and published on Glide-s magazine December 21, 2019 8 edition.

* The voice is so melodious, and – of course, by accident, this glorious voice and musical sensibility was combined with this beautiful, sexual man and this very unconscious – or unselfconscious stage movements. Presley's registration, the breadth of his tone, listening to some of his records, you'd think you were listening to an opera singer. But...it's an opera singer with a deep connection to the blues, which leads me to the role of the great enunciator, because he delivered us the greatest cultural boon. Nobody ever did more for the American people. He gave them the great present of black music transmitted through his own sensibility, his own sensitivity. Of course Elvis was a different kind of white purveyor of black music because it was naturally black and it was real and he was a conduit. And America was really changed. I'm talking about American music and our culture in general. We owe far more to Elvis Presley than all the British groups put together.&quot;
** {{w|Jerry Wexler}}, co-founder of Atlantic Records, whose bid of US$30,000 came up short of the US$35,000 offered by RCA, for the purchase of Elvis' contract with SUN Records in November of 1955.

* If Rock and Roll were a religion, Elvis was its most prolific disciple, responsible for more converts than anyone before or after him; if it had been country, Elvis was a Founding Father and his lyrics were the documents of freedom that helped to birth the nation; if it were a sickness, Elvis-itis would be the most potent and contagious virus known to man, infecting victims who just looked at his image, heard his voice or saw him perform in person or through a recording. But since Rock and Roll is music, we’ve all decided the world over to just call Elvis…the King.
** A. C. Wharton African American Mayor of Shelby County, Tennessee, in commemoration of what would have been Elvis' 74th birthday, at the Graceland mansion, and as published by www.elvis.com, on 8th January 2009.

* The Star Wars movies belong in the same category as Elvis Presley movies: They’re popular yet are all but unwatchable — except that the Presley pictures evince a human touch&quot;.
** {{w|Armond White}}'s opening paragraph in reviewing &quot;The Last Jedi&quot; for the &quot;National Review&quot;'s December 15th edition.

* I'd heard that song many times. But that night in jail was the first time I really heard it. It was more important to me than any song I'd ever heard in my life. When he hit that hook in the song, &quot;It's now or never,&quot; it was like someone grabbed me by my shirt, looked at me and said, &quot;You asshole. You see where you're sitting, Barry? You're sitting in jail, and you can't stand it. You've got to change your life. It's your decision. It's now, or it's never.&quot; That's the way I read it. And when I got out, I told myself, Never again.&quot;
** {{w|Barry White|Barry White }} from an interview in Playboy magazine's April 2000 edition.

* In 1968, a “drive-by” wasn't a shooting, it was popping into the salon for a fast touch up. Elvis Presley came to my salon just to say hello sometimes. When he'd show up, the ladies leaped out of their shampoo pools, they wanted his attention so badly.
** {{w|Carrie White (hairdresser)|Carrie White}}, for LA Mag, in an article entitled &quot;Hairdresser to the Stars Carrie White Recalls the Summer L.A. Changed Forever&quot;, as published on August 12, 2019.

* My father George C. White had gone to Yale for a year before he went to art school and I just wanted to go to Yale too. They allowed only three people a year in those days to major in theater and you had to audition and if you were accepted into the program, then you got a year's credit toward your master's degree. After college I joined the Army where, by chance, I met Elvis Presley, He was in the third army division, I was in the fourth but I ended up doing a show with him up on the Czech border in 1958. Because we were all freezing to death, we cooked up this show and Elvis said, ‘You’re in the theater, aren’t you, George?’ and I said I was, and he said, ‘Why don’t we put on a show and we can get out of guard duty? LOL. And we did.
** {{w|Eugene O'Neill Theater Center|George White}}, recalling the show they organized at the Mickey Bar in Grafenwöhr in December of 1958 in an article entitled &quot;George White on Theater on the Record&quot; as published in the August 1 2020 edition of the CT Examiner

* An 18-year-old Elvis Presley walked through the doors of the Memphis Recording Service at 708 Union Ave. in the summer of 1953. He carried a beat-up guitar that he'd had since the age of 11 and enough money to make a $3.98 record of his own voice. He sang two '30s ballads -- &quot;My Happiness&quot; and &quot;That's When Your Heartaches Begin&quot; -- hoping to catch the attention of Sam Phillips, who had started his own label, Sun. When he was done, Marion Keisker, who helped run the place with Phillips, typed his name on the back of a label for Sun act The Prisonaires, and Presley left with his acetate. For more than six decades, that record of Elvis singing &quot;My Happiness&quot; was kept by the family of the high-school friend Presley left it with, Ed Leek. As part of an auction, it was valued at approximately $100,000. It sold to an unknown Internet bidder for $300,000...
** Identifying the bidder, musician {{w|Jack White}}, who had also appeared in a cameo role portraying Elvis in the movie &quot;Walk Hard&quot;, as published by Billboard, on Jan. 15, 2015.

* Elvis' producer Felton Jervis was a good friend of mine. All of a sudden I released ‘Polk Salad Annie ’ and it was a big hit single and then Felton called and invited my wife &amp; me out to Las Vegas to see Elvis perform it. He did a good version of it, which of course he recorded for the live album. We hung out with Elvis for two or three days and just sat back in the dressing room and talked. We played a little guitar together – he really liked music. Elvis said, “Man, I feel like I wrote that song”. I said “You know, the way you do it on stage, it feels like you wrote it”. Then, in 1974, I was living in Memphis and it was about 4 o'clock in the morning when my phone rings. This German voice says “Mr. White, we are down at Stax records do you have any more songs? We need to do some songs.” I said “Well, who in the hell is this, why you calling me at this time?” He explained that he was Freddy Bienstock, Elvis' publisher. I asked if Felton was down there and he said he was. So I got up &amp; ran into my studio and ran off a copy of ‘For Ol’ Times Sake' &amp; ‘I’ve Got A Thing About You Baby’ and one other and went down the studio. I drove all the way to downtown Memphis and was met in this low, dark alleyway by two shady men in hats &amp; coats. They said in this thick German accent “Did you bring zee tapes?” and I was ushered into this little bitty room! It was so strange &amp; freaky. A real seedy part of town and these guys in their 50s or 60s and they had a little reel-to-reel in this dark cubby hole. They sit me down on a chair &amp; they played two bars of ‘For Ol’ Times Sake' and ‘I Got A Thing’ and they played the third song. They said “We like the first two. Now you can go!” I said, “Hey man, I’ve driven this far, where’s Felton?” They said, “You don’t need Felton. We like these songs. You can go!” But at this point luckily Felton walked in and took me into the studio with me &amp; him and Elvis, so it was cool then. Wow!
** {{w|Tony Joe White}} in a 2002 interview with Piers Beagley at EIN's website page.

* Virtually everything we hear on recordings and see on video and the concert stage can be traced to two icons: Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly.
** {{w|Rutherford Institute|John W. Whitehead}}, civil liberties and human rights advocate and founder of the Rutherford Institute, in his article ̊̊&quot;The Day the Music Died: Remembering Buddy Holly (1936–1959)̊ , as published in Scoopʽs Tuesday, 5 February 2019 edition.

* He defined American culture to billions of adoring fans around the world. Elvis fused gospel, country, and rhythm and blues to create a sound all his own, selling more than a billion records. Elvis also served nearly 2 years in the United States Army, humbly accepting the call to serve despite his fame. He later starred in 31 films, drew record-breaking audiences to his shows, sent television ratings soaring, and earned 14 GRAMMY Award nominations. He ultimately won 3 GRAMMY Awards for his gospel music. Elvis Presley remains an enduring American icon 4 decades after his death.
** The {{w|White House}}'s Press release on November 10, 2018, announcing Elvis being one of seven honoured, in his case and that of two others, posthumously, with his country's highest civilian award, the 2018 {{w|Presidential Medal of Freedom}}.

* As he concluded one of his dynamic and frenzied concerts an attempt was made to honor him by giving him an ornate crown. Uncharacteristically and courteously, Elvis stopped and said, “ I am not the King. There’s only one King, and that’s Jesus Christ.
**  Keith Whitehouse, Pastor of the Sutter Creek Baptist Church in an article entitled Elvis and Jesus, as published in the {{w|Amador Ledger}}'s June 19, 2021 issue. 

* Go ahead, moan all you like about Elvis. (But) this is still the single greatest rock &amp; roll Christmas record ever made. Elvis' slurred, dirty, wailing delivery and Scotty Moore, Bill Black and DJ Fontana's walloping primitivo accompaniment put this over with a licentious zeal that never wears out its welcome. Although he favored gospel above all else, Elvis genuinely excelled as a blues singer (there simply ain't another white cat who can pull ‘em off as convincingly) and this wildly unlikely collision of atmosphere and theme rates as a minor, and altogether irresistible, masterpiece —
** {{w|Jonny Whiteside}}'s laud of &quot;Santa Claus is back in town&quot;, as published in an article at LA Weekly, on December 2, 2016. The extraordinary piano playing heard on the recording is that of Dudley Brooks, the African American musician who worked with Presley in an additional 10 recording sessions, both before and after this particular one.

* Around the world the only three words that need no translation to convey their meaning are ̊&quot;Jesus, Coke and Elvis&quot;
** Peter Whitmere's laud on Elvis, as noted on his 1996 book of the same name.

* We were booked to fly home the next day, but that night after the last show we got a telephone call from Colonel Tom Parker saying that Elvis would like to meet us on a film set at 2pm the next day. When we arrived Col. Parker met us and told us that Elvis had just gone out for a ride. Just then we heard what at first sounded like thunder coming from down the beach a long way off. As the sound got louder, we could see about 13 motorbikes side-by-side coming towards us. Elvis was in the centre of the riders as they roared onto the film set. What an entrance! I was spellbound! All together we had about two hours with Elvis. I told him that when I saw the first clip of him in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, that's what got me into rock ‘n’ roll. We also talked about our tour of America. What a guy. A real gent. It was wonderful.
** {{w|Barry Whitwam}}, drummer for the UK band {{w|Herman’s Hermits}} on the day he and lead singer Peter Noone met Elvis in Hawaii, in an interview with the &quot;Express And Star&quot; published on January 19, 2018.

* It made me feel great to be with him. He fit in so easy. Driver, loader, gunner, and tank commander you had to learn all four positions. Seeing him operate a tank was normal. His parents, visited often and especially his mother was a great source of comfort to us young draftees,always telling us to take care of each other, like we were her children.When she passed away, he said he'd give everything he had to get her back, but he knew he couldn't do that. He showed me all the telegrams he got from celebrities, three books filled with them. Once in Germany we served in the 1st Battalion, 32nd Armor Regiment, 3rd Armored Division.Despite his fame, Elvis was always just one of the guys. In fact, he inspired the other men to be better, stronger soldiers. When things got tough you could be out at night, it's cold and raining and you're on guard duty, and he was out there, too. If he could do it, that made me feel like, OK, I can do this!&quot; After serving two years, we both came home and I went to work for a flooring company, drove a dump truck and eventually became a building engineer for Memphis City Schools. With my wife we raised two daughters and they knew how proud I was to have serve alongside Elvis. One of my daughters laminated the famous photos of Elvis being inducted, with me right there behind him. I carry them everywhere, showing them even to strangers because I want everyone to know how good a person Elvis was. And I do smile when telling the story of the time I was drafted into the military with the most famous person on the planet. The years I spent with Elvis clearly had a lasting impact with me. He stuck with it, did his job as well as I did mine, and I appreciated that. It was great...
** Nathaniel Wiggison, an African American from Memphis, TN, on his having served with Elvis in the Army, in an interview with wmcactionnews5, on March 28, 2018.

* What drew me to him was that his music was subversive. When the Beatles came around, grown-ups saw them as four mop tops, and didn’t take it very seriously. But when he came on the scene, it was different, the adults really didn’t like his stage performances and dancing. I soon asked for a guitar and got one for Christmas. It wasn’t an expensive guitar. A few years later my mom, who was a single mother, got me a nicer guitar when she saw I was very serious about it. It was a Harmony.
** Canadian Rock-blues singer and songwriter {{w|David Wilcox (Canadian musician)|David Wilcox}}, on his early decision to be a musician, as reported by the Cornwall Seeker on its July 14, 2017' edition

* When he joined the U. S. Army in March of 1958, the Navy, the Air Force and the Pentagon were left disappointed. All the armed services had put considerable effort into being his choice. The Navy had gone so far as proposing a special “Elvis Presley company,” which would be drawn from Presley's buddies, and others from Memphis. If that wasn't enough, Elvis would also be assigned quarters entirely for his own use. The Army, also eager to win his favor, suggested he might be flown globally from base to base in order to boost the morale of the troops. The Pentagon, for its part, floated the idea of Elvis immediately joining the Special Services, thus sidestepping the need for regular training. But regular training was precisely what Presley wanted.He joined the army, but turned down all offers of special treatment. Private Presley he was, and was paid $78 a month. His last day of active duty was March 5, 1960.
** {{w|Wolfgang Wild}}, curator, writing for Considerable, in an article entitled &quot;Elvis in the Army: All shook up&quot; as published on March 1, 2019

* My dad's head went into a fantasy, this idea of everything being better in America. Of course for his generation, that was very true. Everyone was going to drive in movies and drinking milkshakes and having hamburgers in America. We weren't doing things like that in the UK. I think a lot of that got caught up in the lyrics – all the kids in America are having a better, more interesting, more dangerous time than we were here. When Elvis and rock'n'roll was imported over from America, it was to a generation of kids whose parents had dealt with the war, and rationing, and they'd all been brought up in pretty poor conditions. So it was a great thing for the kids to dream about again. They dared to have an identity, for starters. They dared to dream through these great records imported from America. That's where the great love affair started for my father – as soon as he heard Elvis Presley record.
** UK rocker {{w|Kim Wilde}}, recalling how her first hit, &quot;Kids in America&quot; written by her father {{w|Marty Wilde}} and her brother Ricky, came into being and as published on TEAMROCK, on 20 February 2018.

* I was 17, so I go to Hollywood for a few days, staying with {{w|Patti Page}}, whose husband was then choreographer for Elvis in &quot;King Creole&quot;. So I watched the shooting one day, then Elvis came over and started talking to me, invited me to dinner, at his hotel, the Beverly Wilshire. So after dinner we end up in his bedroom. And when he found out I was a virgin, he just picked up his guitar and sat on his bed and sang to me for about two hours. He was gorgeous in those days. I couldn't wait to tell all my girlfriends.
** {{w|June Wilkinson}}, English model and actress, known for her appearances in Playboy magazine, as published on the Orange County Register on the day after Hugh Hefner's passing.

* Overnight, or over a bite, you might say, the hand that's been punching out copy for the unconcerned becomes celebrated as the hand that was bitten by Elvis Presley. As a newspaper woman gnawed by the nation's top hound dog singer, I've been advised variously to sue for assault, take a rabies shot, inquire whether he brushes after every meal, or offer my paw to the museum. Yep, folks have really showed concern.
** News reporter Betty Wilkirson, telling the {{w|Associated Press}}, which ran the story nationwide on July 3, 1956, that Elvis had bit her in the hand on June 28, 1956, as she asked him to pose for a photograph right after his appearance at College Park, in Charleston South Carolina.

* Those who would wall off cultures from “outsiders” are would-be wardens.
** {{w|George Will}}, Pulitzer Prize commentator, highlighting Elvis' love for and appreciation of R&amp;B music in an article published in various newspapers, including the Washington Post and the National Review on 13 May, 2017 and entitled &quot;Today’s Left Would Have Called Elvis’s Music ‘Cultural Appropriation’&quot;

* One evening Elvis Presley came backstage to see my show at Caesars Palace. I was in my dressing room with a few friends and well-wishers when Elvis arrived with his entourage. It was the first time I'd met him, and we got on very well; he was very gracious and polite, We talked about music and a few other things. After a while Elvis asked me to come over to his hotel, where he had some music he wanted to play for me. It was about 2:30 in the morning when we got back to Elvis's hotel, but as he opened the door of his suite, a wall of noise hit us. There must have been a hundred people in there. Elvis ignored them and led me through to a quieter room and started playing some of his favorite music: gospel About four in the morning I got up to go, but Elvis said, &quot;Wait, I want to give you something.&quot; He went into the bedroom and came back with six or eight Navaho Indian belts with silver and turquoise buckles. &quot;Pick one,&quot; he said. &quot;I want you to have one.&quot; So I chose one, thanked him, and then headed back to my hotel. I still have the Navaho belt he gave me. I felt about it the way I did about those things my kids sometimes give me: You keep and proudly display them not because of what they are but because of who has given them to you.
** {{w|Andy Williams}}, in his 2009 memoirs Moon River and me.

* I was in a large parking lot, on one side hosting a telethon I was involved in and the Monroe Civic Center, where Elvis was playing, on the other. He knew there was going to be a child in a wheelchair waiting for him, so he stopped on his way to his limo, totally tired, after the concert, but got oh his knees and placed a scarf around his neck. I felt like crying. Then he looked at me, I was 24, hugged me and told me a few stories one of them about how a co worker had encouraged him to record.
** {{w|Anson Williams}}, in an interview in 2019, with Diana Lynn Band Candy, on youtube.

* People talk of his range and power, his ability and ease in hitting the high notes. But the real difference between Elvis and other singers was that he could sing majestically in any style, be it rock, country, or R&amp;B – because he had soul. He sang from the heart. And that is what made him the greatest singer in the history of popular music.
** {{w|John Owen Williams (record producer)|John Owen Williams}}, UK Record producer as published on on August 15, 2017, on the Conversation in an article entitled &quot;Elvis’s voice: like Mario Lanza singing the blues&quot;

* The first line of the record is sung without accompaniment, punctuated at the end by two beats, two chords on the piano. Exquisite. And this pattern is repeated through the verse, a Capella singing, piano crash, more a Capella singing; and then Elvis sings the chorus backed only by the beautiful, lonesome sound of a walking electric bass. The risk —only a great voice can hang out there that naked — is impressive and the payoff is phenomenal. None of which would matter, I suppose, if it weren't that the voice that this perfect and daring bit of accompaniment supports is nothing short of awesome; spirit is walking throughout this recording, just put it on the phonograph, and the room fills with ozone. Darkness and gloom drip joyfully from every rafter. This &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; voice is an instant old friend; it intimately and unforgettably announces the arrival of something big.
** {{w|Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams}}, writing about Elvis' &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, which ranked in fourth place in Crawdaddy magazine's list of &quot;The 100 best singles of all time&quot;

* He inspired me to become a performer, he is a legend. And what do I before I enter a stage? Everytime? Well, I take an Espresso and I pray to Elvis.&quot;
** UK singer {{w|Robbie Williams}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* That there is a seat in the front in the concert of {{w|Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart}} and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Robin Williams}}'s reply to {{w|James Lipton}}, executive producer, writer and host of the series &quot;Inside the Actors Studio&quot; when asked what he would like God to say when he arrives in heaven, as broadcast on Lipton's edition of January 29, 2001 

* He was so ahead of his time, and that's why he brought so many people together, with his music without it having it any racial barriers.
** {{w|Serena Williams}}, US African American tennis player, in Elvis Elvis, an ABC 2002 special.

* Eminem is regarded as one of the most important artists in the history of the hip hop genre even though his albums haven't been as genre-defining as so many of his peers, and his music is only tangentially influential when compared to a Rakim, 2Pac, Jay-Z or Kanye. He's mostly important for providing white fans a credible entry point into the genre. And we're supposed to be okay with that. We're not supposed to view Eminem and Elvis Presley as comparable. We're supposed to see Em as authentic and Elvis as a vulture. But Elvis raved about Black artists from Jackie Wilson to Mahalia Jackson, topped the R&amp;B charts (and country charts) regularly, made headlines for facing Black audiences in Memphis when festivals were still racially segregated, chummed around with Ike Turner and B.B. King, and James Brown called him his “brother.” You don't really see a divide between Elvis and Black audiences until the “shine my shoes” rumor starts circulating in 1957. But that quote was always just a rumor. I also found it interesting that Elvis was vilified for a bullshit quote while people like Eric Clapton got zero flak for a very real one. B.B. King talked about this repeatedly, but the lie is louder,
** Stereo Williams, in an article published at the Daily Beast on December 22, 2018, as well as reference to the fact that for decades Elvis has been slandered for something he never actually said, while many others, including Eric Clapton, were given a free pass for quotes that were real.

* Elvis was the ideal in 'Orpheus Descending', and we were optimistic up to a point that he might make his first appearance on the stage, and then we hoped he would appear in a film. That was a madly delirious episode, because time, for the most famous people, simply has no meaning. People and things arrive at the slightest expression of desire or interest, and they disappear just as quickly. All questions are answered; every need fulfilled. He was elaborately polite with me: I think he saw me as some elder Southern gentleman who might give his father a loan at the bank downtown, but we soon saw that the discipline of a stage performance was beyond him. It was--and it is--frightfully boring for most people to show up and replicate and expand within a refined role. Still, I met him. I was in the presence. Diamonds and lard. There's your title.
** {{w|Tennessee Williams}}, as told to James Grisson for inclusion in the latter's book ̊̊̊̊&quot;Follies of God, Tennessee Williams and the women of the fog&quot;

* I am not a part of that. To Louisville, I am f-ing Elvis Presley. So why would I pay anybody for anything?
** professional basketball player {{w|Terrence Williams}}, as told to TMZSports, when questioned to comment on his being mentioned in Katina Powell's “Breaking Cardinal Rules” book, as one alleged to have paid $500 for sex.

* I met Elvis Presley at the &quot;Dick Clark Show&quot; at Circus Circus in Las Vegas, a place where a great musical extravaganza with some of the greatest artists of the day would always appear. So, we were sitting in the audience and Jackie Wilson had just finished his set and then Dick Clark came out, but before he introduced the next act he wanted to announce someone special had arrived, &quot;Ladies and Gentlemen&quot; The lights went down and all of a sudden spotlights went to the back of the room. I looked around and it was Elvis, He was looking cool and wearing shades, snatched them off as if saying, &quot;Hello Everybody!, then came walking down the aisle to his table and when he saw Louise, he stopped and said &quot;Hi Louise. Hi Nikki&quot; and they started talking. I stood up and he said &quot;Hi.&quot; I said &quot;Hi, I'm Pepe. It's nice to meet you.&quot; I shook his hand. He said something else to Louise, and then said &quot;See you later&quot; and went to his table. By the time I was in Las Vegas, I had already met tons of celebrities, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells, Dionne Warwick and Wayne Newton. I also met Ike and Tina Turner. I drank champagne with Adam Clayton Powell and I met Redd Foxx. But, when I saw Elvis, I said, now that man's a star. It was a different kind of thing.&quot;
** {{w|Pepe Willie}}, African American Soul/Funk/R&amp;B Singer/Musician/Producer and President of Pepe Music Inc who was Prince' former mentor, talking in a phone interview on May 12, 2013

* America loves a phoenix, and we sure got one when Elvis dusted off the ashes of his mid-‘60s movie career and put on black leather for the greatest of all network TV music specials. Thom Zimny has done a video re-edit on some of the performances and it’s more fun to watch all this material after reading the collection’s written oral history of how many ways the special could have gone wrong yet somehow, for once, went so beautifully right. And what joy it is to re-experience Elvis caught even fleetingly in hip-swiveling flight.
** Chris Willman, writing for {{w|Variety (magazine)|Variety}} in an article entitled &quot;The 10 Best Music Boxed Sets of 2018&quot;, as published on their December 28, 2018 edition.

* I was with  {{w|Sophia Loren|Sophia Loren}} in the Paramount Studios Commissary (in early 1958),  where we were going to have lunch and suddenly she was on her feet as he had spied Elvis walking through. I don't think she had ever met him, but Italian enthusiasm cannot be denied. In a minute she was sitting on his lap, tousling his hair. The skirmish was over as quickly as it begun as she was only saying how much she liked his music. He was also aware that I was taking their pictures, so what could he do? What could any man do? Surrender...
** {{w|Bob Willoughby|Bob Willoughby}}, in his memoirs entitled &quot;Bob Willoughby: A Cinematic Life&quot; , on the day Elvis and Sophia Loren met.   

*  I was frightened by Elvis, I think because I  was 10,  but my sister Nancy loved him..
** {{w|Ann Wilson|Ann Wilson}}, of the group Heart,  as told to David Letterman on his 10/6/1982 show. 

* I was recording with {{w|Terry Melcher}} at RCA Victor Records in 1975, so were We were working on the song &quot;Why Do Fools Fall in Love?&quot; when suddenly Terry said, “Hey, Elvis is in the next studio recording.” That was a big surprise to hear he was in the studio next to me. So I walked into the studio and said, “Hi, I’m Brian Wilson” and he goes, “Hello Duke.” I don't know why he called me Duke. I said, “Would you like to hear what I’m doing in the studio?” and he said yes. So we walked over to my studio and listened to what I was doing and then said he had to leave. It was a thrill to meet him. I liked Elvis Presley's songs, but never saw him live. I thought he was a very underrated singer, more of a star. He was really known more for his fame than his voice. I think he deserved more credit for his voice.
** {{w|Brian Wilson}}, of the Beach Boys, on meeting Elvis. as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* There was a time when in some circles, people may not have thought it cool to say they were an Elvis fan, but I am, I loved him.&quot;
** {{w|Carl Wilson}}, of the Beach Boys,in an interview in 1980, as reported by YouTube

* A lot of people have accused Elvis of stealing the black man’s music, when in fact, almost every black solo entertainer copied his stage mannerisms from Elvis.”
** {{w|Jackie Wilson}}, as noted in graceland.com.

* It is probable that he will eventually settle into the mainstream of popular singers. When he does he may well build a reputation as one of the most remarkable of white blues singers, possibly the first to invade successfully the field of country blues.
** {{w|John S. Wilson (music critic)|John S. Wilson}}, Jazz critic for the NYT, reviewing Elvis first two albums, as published on that paper's January 13, 1957 edition

* Elvis Presley jerked his torturous way across the stage of the Municipal Auditorium on Sunday, sang eight or ten songs, thumped on a guitar, fell to the floor, knocked over microphones and set off a din of teenage squealing. At the evening performance he contorted his body in such a manner as to cause whole platoons to rush to the edge of the stage. In fact, he flings his limbs about and quivers in such a way as to make one think he might have a trick knee or hip, possibly from an old war injury...but this is not the case. This is just Elvis Presley....
** Pen Wilson, reviewing for the {{w|Times-Picayune}} Elvis' two back to back New Orleans concerts on August 12, 1956, and as published on that paper on the following day.

* I was such a great fan of his, I saw all his movies, and always thought I would one day meet him. But I never did, so this is full circle for me.
** {{w|Oprah Winfrey}}'s words on the night she became the first person not a member of the Presley immediate family to sit, and have dinner at the Graceland dining room since his death, as the special guest of Lisa Marie, who asked her if she had been an Elvis fan. (Special Oprah show telecast on October 10,2006).

* I objected to {{w|Madonna}}'s casting, because it made the project &quot;an Elvis film.&quot;
** {{w|Debra Winger}}'s explanation over why she quit her starring role in director Penny Marshall's 1992 baseball film, &quot;A League of Their Own.&quot;

* I knew him when he was quite young, in 1956, when he was dating Natalie Wood, and they would very inconspicuously wear white clothes and, if they went to the movies, everyone would be looking at them, and not the film. LOL. In my house, I have a couch where they would make up, and to this day, when I tell visitors about it, they can̪t believe it. It is the same couch.
** {{w|Shelley Winters}}, in a 1979 interview on the making of the ABC film Elvis, where she plays Elvis̪ mother Gladys.

* Boris Yeltsin was best known for his role as the President of Russia, but he also had another unique claim to fame: Moscow's biggest Elvis Presley fan. According to sources, Yeltsin was a huge fan of Presley and would often listen to his recording of “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” during times of stress, such as in August, 1991, when he prevented a coup by standing on top of a tank. But while Yeltsin loved Presley, he hated staples with an equal amount of passion, as reflected in a memo from a Yeltsin aide demanding that no one use staples on any papers given to their fearless leader, as &quot;this practice holds up the President’s very decisions.”
** {{w|Wireless}}'s edition of April 24, 2007.

* I've done everything for Elvis that I possibly can to keep the legend going. That operation -which provided me with pouty lips, a jaunty chin and a more Presleyesque nose was just the beginning...
** Dennis Wise, the first person to undergo plastic surgery to look like Elvis, in an article published in the Orlando Sentinel on January 4, 1987. His operation, in 1978, was the subject of international media headlines and, starting in 1980, he became a successful Elvis Tribute Artist.

* As many have observed, Palin’s rise was an important waypoint on the journey that brought America to the Trump era, and tribute acts like Greene and Cawthorn. By today’s standards, the “going rogue” brand pushed by the no-nonsense hockey mom from Walisa seems positively wholesome. And to revisit the outrage it generated feels a bit like watching those clips of Fifties prudes panicked about the damage Elvis Presley’s gyrating hips might be doing to teenage girls’ minds.
** Oliver Wiseman, in an article entotled &quot;Have the Republicans gone too far?,Sarah Palin has a lesson for outrage-hunting politicians&quot;,  as published  in  {{w|UnHerd}}'s April 7, 2022 edition. 

* He was a mild tempered, quiet, nice guy who treated everyone the same. I once overheard one of Elvis' friends at the time ask Elvis 'Why do you call him 'mister' -- he's just a black barbecue guy?' Elvis looked at him and said 'He's a man'. 'That', Withers says, 'Was the humility in his temperament'. 'Elvis was a great man and did more for civil rights than people know.
** {{w|Ernest Withers}}, African American photo journalist.

* Once when we'd been in the field for two months, the Company Commander asked us all to clean up. Elvis didn't quite make it into the barracks without being spotted by some cleaning women. They followed him upstairs right into the shower-room and a bunch of guys from privates all the way up to the Colonels joined the parade too. Right when he was taking a shower, people were shoving pieces of paper under the water for him to sign. He was laughing about it but he never could get away from people..
** Lonnie Wolfe, 17 year old who ran away from home to join the US Army and ended up being deployed to the {{w|3rd Armored Division (United States)|3rd Armored Division}}, as told to ElivisinAustralia in an interview dated February 10, 2018.

* That boy made his pull from the blues, and if he stopped, he stopped, but he made his pull from there..
** {{w|Howling Wolf}}, as published in [http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html Elvis.net]

* It was like an EARTHQUAKE!!! In my neighborhood the whole place was shakin' when he came on. And I said how can a person possess that kind of power that it even comes off the tv and grabs me in this ghetto neighborhood? Back in those days if it was a white artist doing some of our music many would say &quot;Well, they don't like our blacks so we don't like their singers either. They're nothing but copy-cats anyway.' But with Elvis we ALL were going crazy over him. And I said 'Man, this cat's really got something!&quot;
** {{w|Bobby Womack}}, singer-songwriter, musician, producer, instrumentalist, sideman in the Gospel, R&amp;B, soul, rock and roll, doo-wop, funk, soul blues, rock and jazz categories, as noted in the documentary The Echo will never die.

* That September, Presley would make his legendary inaugural appearance on &quot;The Ed Sullivan Show,&quot; singing a sultry version of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; with his swinging hips in all their vulgar, gyrating splendor. During a later appearance in January 1957, the variety show would famously edit the King from the waist down in order to protect impressionable young television viewers from his brazen sexuality. But then, it was far too late. America had a full-on dose of Elvismania, and there was nary a cure in sight.
** {{w|Kenneth Womack}}, in an article entitled &quot;Shelter in place with &quot;Elvis Presley,&quot; a foundational classic rock album&quot; as published in Salon's May 30, 2020 edition.

* In essence, because at that time the backward mental capability that many people had of judging a person because of their skin color,and it does still exist, but back then it was even worse, BUT because he actually was a Caucasian brother, Elvis was able to do away with all that thinking towards music.
** {{w|Stevie Wonder}}, Soul, Funk and R&amp;B prolific singer/songwriter,as quoted on the documentary 'Elvis Presley &amp; The Black Community – That Echo Will Never Die'

* He really enjoyed doing the sessions  and worked harder than he had done in years..
** Bobby Wood, the   {{w|American Sound Studio}}'s top   keyboardist and  a menber of the Memphis Boys,  describing Elvis' feelings   during the January and February of 1969 recording  session which yielded, inter alia,    &quot;In the guetto&quot;, &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot;, &quot;Dont cry daddy&quot; and &quot;Kentucky Rain&quot;   and as taped in an interview held in November of  2005 by Joe Chambers, Director of Nashville's  {{w|Musicians Hall of Fame and Museum}}. 

* Every morning when I woke up and looked out the window, there were at least two hundred kids lined up on the sidewalk outside, staring at the house. Some of them would stay there all day long, just trying to get a glimpse of him. And when he would go out, he was very sweet to them. A lot of people I know would get angry, or impatient -- but Elvis was very nice to them, spent as much time with them as he could.
** Actress {{w|Natalie Wood}}, as published in quotes about education.com

* X-ray records felt like the real thing to (Soviet) rock-starved kids. When doing national service in Berlin, I came across a couple of bedraggled teenage Soviet soldiers who had just climbed over the fence. &quot;Why did you want to take this risk?&quot; I asked them, as they could so easily have been shot. ‘Because our officer won’t let us listen to Elvis Presley,’ one of them answered.
** Excerpted from the book &quot;How the Beatles rocked the Kremlin&quot;, by {{w|Leslie Woodhead}}, and as published by The Mail Online's 25 April, 2013' edition.

* You didn't make it before we came along, and if I wanted to back somebody, I would have picked somebody who can sing, like Elvis Presley.
** Drummer {{w|Mick Woodmansey}}'s way of telling David Bowie, with whom he then worked during the Spiders from Mars era, that they were not just a band, as he had suggested. From his autobiography published in October of 2016

* During the Louisiana Hayride in the mid-50s, my grandmother was in line to get a hamburger and Elvis Presley moseyed on up to her, small talked a bit and asked her out on a date. Being she was already with my grandpa, she declined, but for more than 60 years, she never let him forget it...
** Kimberly Wooten, account manager for Rally Marketing, telling the Daily Advertiser about her mother's loyalty to her dad, and how she held him accountable, in an article published on the Daily Advertiser on June 5, 2108

* There are some artists that appear to be a clear step ahead when it comes to intellectual property protection, Elvis Presley and 50 Cent being leagues ahead when it comes to portfolio size amongst the top ten artists which were made part of the study
** {{w|World Trademark Review}}'s assessment of advances made by Elvis Presley Enterprises vis-a-vis the so called Intellectual Property protection in an article entitled ̊&quot;From K-pop to Presley: inside the trademark portfolios of the music industry's biggest names&quot; as published on their March 21, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley, in the midst of his 1968 comeback special, admitted “I’ve got to do this sooner or later, I may as well do it now, baby”. He then launched into Hound Dog ( via Heartbreak Hotel), which was what everyone wanted. I can't help keep thinking that Theresa May should have taken inspiration from this.She had to confront her ERG Leaver wing at some point, why not sooner (baby)? What could May have won, if she'd confronted her strong Leavers back far ago in 2016? What if she'd challenged them to a showdown not in Christmas 2018 but the summer or autumn, say, of 2016?
** Ben Worthy, Lecturer in Politics at {{w|Birkbeck, University of London|Birkbeck College}}, in an article published by the Huff Post on December 3, 2018 and entitled &quot;What if Prime Minister {{w|Theresa May}} had confronted her Brexit wing sooner?

*  I remember on New Year’s Day of 2021 feeling, along with the ongoing uncertainty and lack of clear knowledge about the virus, a sense of hope. I also had no idea  that a fair number of people would decide not to get vaccinated.  I usually try not to judge people, but I grew up in a time when polio was at least as frightening as COVID has been the last couple of years. I remember a newspaper photo of Elvis Presley receiving his polio shot, an event that sent the vaccination rate into orbit all across the country. Elvis, for those who don’t remember, had just played the Ed Sullivan show and had something like a third of the entire nation watching. I’m pretty sure I was 12 when I saw the photo of Elvis getting his polio shot. I got my shot not so very long after that. Nobody took a picture of my shot, but having protection against polio sure gave my mom one fewer thing to fret over. I’m not much good at New Year’s resolutions. I decided in the coming year to simply try to stay safe and do everything I can to avoid putting anyone else at risk. That’s a resolution I think I can keep.
** Terry Woster, in a column published on January 1, 2022, in  the {{w|Mitchell Daily Republic}}

* Go into any Thai restaurant the world over and there will very likely be portraits and photos of King Bhumibol gazing down at diners with his benevolent smile, but one of the more common actually features him with Elvis Presley. The meeting came when lifelong music fan Bhumibol and his wife, Queen Sirikit, visited Hollywood’s Paramount Studios in 1960, while Elvis was filming G.I Blues. The king had been a fan of Presley for several years and was by then an accomplished saxophonist who later performed alongside jazz legend Lionel Hampton. In 1987, the late Hampton told the Thai magazine Sawasdee: “He is simply the coolest king in the land.”
** Adam Wright, for the South China Morning Post, in an article published the day following King Bhumidol's death, at age 88, on 14 October 2016.

* The Frank Lloyd Wright fans!! Undoubtedly. Why? Because they're on the side of Nature and the others are on the side of an artificiality that is doomed.
** Architect {{w|Frank Lloyd Wright}}'s nonsensical reply to Mike Wallace's question on which group of youth, the Lloyds Wright fans, counted at the most in the thousands, or Presley fans, counted in the tens of millions, did Lloyd Wright think were to &quot;inherit&quot; the country in 1972, in an interview which took place on January 9, 1957. He had less than 2 years to live.

* My father wanted me to be like him,  an Orthodox Jew. When I said I didn’t want to be, he said, ‘just don’t tell your children.’ I said, ‘you want me to pretend to be somebody I’m not?’ He said, ‘that’s exactly what I’m saying.’.  Anyways,  he was Elvis' proctologist, so on the day  I was supposed to meet him,  I  got into trouble and he didnt allow me to.  When Elvis died, my dad remembered him as a respectful Christian who helped Jews on the Sabbath....
** Steve Wruble, as published in  {{w|Broaadway World}}'s review of his one man show and as  published in its  May 6, 2022 edition. 

* The peak of peak attention can be assigned and exact  date: September  9, 1956, when Elvis Presley made his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, at CBS.  Its 82.6 percent share of viewers, out of a population roughly half of today' s,  has never been equaled  or bettered
**{{w|Tim Wu}}, as noted in his 2016  book &quot;The Attention Merchants: The Epic Scramble to Get Inside Our Heads&quot;
 
* He is rock's greatest presence, shaking a country with a single-handed nuclear reaction of country, gospel, and the blues.
** Rock critic Bill Wyman's laud of Elvis, who he ranked #4 in his list of the best and worst amongst the 214 members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as published in Hitsville on May 2, 2018

* Elvis was the kind of guy never looked past you, he looked right at you, was the warmest, most twinkling. He made you feel comfortable and at ease, which was amazing. He did not have any of that stuff where 'it's all about me'. He was a perfect gentleman. And he made you feel comfortable right away, at least he did with me. I'd go further and say that Elvis was clearly a guy with a rural or country attitude about life. He had that simple kinda point of view that said you stand up, you're polite to people. In spite of the money and the Cadillacs and all that, it was he and his pals, he never changed. And you could see that the minute he said hello to you. He was not a guy that would talk to you and look over your shoulder to see who else was in the room. Elvis Presley had a genuineness that was very noticeable and quite impressive the first time I met him. And Elaine and I went home really liking him and thinking 'what a terrific guy'. And everytime I saw him after that, he remembered everything, was always gracious and complimentary to people. It wasn't easy to get to see him, I mean, he had a very limited circle of friends. But when you did get in his company it was a real pleasure.
** {{w|Steve Wynn}}, businessman and art collector and according to Wikipedia, one of the top 100 most influential people in the world, in a 2009 interview.

* In examining how rock, soul and R&amp;B grew from the roots of gospel, our program on the Gospel Roots of Rock and Soul shall highlight such highly influential artists as {{w|Sam Cooke}} who transitioned from gospel to secular music {{w|Sister Rosetta Tharpe}} and her early rock stylings and Elvis Presley, who helped expose white audiences to gospel music. Examples of some of the most beloved contemporary pop music of the last 60 years from artists such as Aretha Franklin, Paul Simon, and Ray Charles illustrate gospel music's influence. Gospel Roots of Rock and Soul also features exclusive live performances recorded by WXPN within the last year from gospel groups The Fairfield Four, The McCrary Sisters, and The Dixie Hummingbirds.
** {{w|WXPN}}, the nationally recognized leader in Triple A radio, in an article published in wwwprwebcom̪s on January 15, 2019 edition.

== X ==

* Elvis Presley Atomic Player B612 has a weight of just 130 grams, plays music from tablets, phones and virtual service: Apple Music, QQ Music. It has a radio as well. The device is made of aluminum, with a supply battery which can be used remotely for seven hours. The energy accumulator takes place via MicroUSB. Demand for the device has grown increasingly....
** {{w|Xiaomi}}, the Chinese Corporation's description of the Elvis Presley Atomic Player, a set of their 2018 portable speakers,as published in The Silver Telegram's edition of August 26, 2018

== Y ==

* After marvelling at the large portions of food, thick steaks and TVs in our various Canadian hotel rooms, we actually spend much of our time watching cartoons. In fact, spent my $100 advance, meant to last me for three weeks, right away, mostly on new skates, some bubble gum and the latest Elvis Presley album.
** {{w|Alexander Yakushev}}, Twice Olympic and World ice hockey champion best known as the the player who scored most points for the Soviet Team that played Team Canada in the September 1972 {{w|Summit Series}}, in an article entitled &quot;Yakushev finds Fame, almost 50 years later&quot; as published in the Toronto Sun on November 9, 2018.

* My mother took me to see &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; when I was three. She loved Elvis. I guess I thought, like John Lennon, that that looked like a pretty good job. I bought my first Elvis record at seven. I got an old tennis racket and I'd go around the house playing it like a guitar, playing Elvis songs. I'd turn my collar up and do the lip sneer, the whole thing. I was a little boy being Elvis! I knew I was a little girl, but I was being myself. I never understood the gender difference, frankly. It never stopped me: I never thought, 'I'm a little girl, I can't do this.'
** Susan Yasinski, lead singer and founder of {{w|Susan and the Surftones}}, explaining what drew her to rock music, at an early age, as published by Curve, a lesbian magazine on 20 September 2016.

* I was always mesmerized by strong, pure, beautiful voices, (and) Elvis' voice, the emotion in it, was unbelievable; I'd never heard anything like it, and I was listening to my parents' records, like &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and all the ’50 s stuff, the real raw Elvis...and that's how I gravitated into Patsy Cline, Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris.
** {{w|Tricia Yearwood}} music superstar, telling Martin Bandyke of the Detroit Free Free Press who are her four biggest influences, as published in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette (27 May 2008).

* I first heard him in 1959, when I was 27. My favourite song of his is “Are You Lonesome Tonight, a 1961 song in which I found solace, by playing it over, and over, and over again during the weeks preceding and following the aborted 1991 coup against {{w|Mikhail Gorbachev}} .
** {{w|Boris Yeltsin}}, the Russian Federation's first President, as detailed in {{w|John Heileman}}'s article entitled &quot;Rouble without a cause&quot;, published in the 1991 Autumn edition of &quot;Modern Review&quot;(foreword, page 5)

* He was rock and roll's biggest star, and he also tested the boundaries of how an entertainer should behave on stage. Elvis had the whole package: the looks, voice, charisma--he had it all. I see so many videos on YouTube showing younger Elvis fans reacting to Elvis' music in a positive way. So, it shows you that Elvis' legacy and appeal continue to endure.
** {{w|Brandon Yip}} in his 2021 book Elvis Presley: ‘All Shook Up’ in Canada.

* Elvis had a brilliant ability to control the attack and ending of each note. If we listen the 1954 Sun Records recording of &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot; we can hear Elvis using a technique known as “glottal onset and offset” – in which the vocal folds in the larynx are closed at the start of a note and closed with extra emphasis at the end of the note – to achieve clarity of attack and an amazing rhythmic bounce in his vocal performance. That ability to drive the rhythm is also present in the 1963 hit &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; in which Elvis effortlessly accents the melody to give a rhythmic shape to each phrase.
** {{w|Adrian York}}, Senior Lecturer in Commercial Music Performance, University of Westminster, in an article entitled Elvis voice, like Mario Lanza singing the blues, and published on the Conversation on August 17, 2017.

* When the question was asked, in March of 2018, “Who do you think is the greatest rock star of all time?” it yielded these results: Elvis Presley 36%, Michael Jackson 21%, John Lennon 9%, Jimi Hendrix 7%, Mick Jagger, 5% Bruce Springsteen 4%, Others 5%, Not sure 13%.
** Results from a 2018 {{w|YouGov}} Ratings US poll, showing as they put it &quot;Presley’s admiration and fame still at the top&quot;, forty one years after his death and published in News Legit's online edition of August 16, 2018-

* I asked him what did Dr. King think of the celebrity participation in the movement. He said that Dr King welcomed it because it helped give the movement more attention. Then he added a bonus by including stories of two of my other favorite singers who tragically, like Dr. King, died young themselves. I was astonished when the name Elvis Presley came up. Contrary to what some people believe, I never thought Elvis was racist. I knew that Elvis grew up poor and was heavily influenced by Black musicians. I even heard stories from other people that Elvis admired Dr. King. What I didn't know was that Elvis and Dr. King talked occasionally on the phone. Elvis even contributed money through various channels that filtered to the civil rights movement. Charles Evers, the brother of slain civil rights leader Medgar Evers, confirmed this as well. When Dr. King was killed in Memphis, Elvis was said to not just have been upset about Dr. King's death, but he was even more hurt that it happened in his hometown and just a stone's throw away from his Graceland estate. Elvis even inquired about attending Dr. King's funeral in Atlanta, but was talked out of it by others citing that he may be a distraction; it would delay filming and increase budget costs (and other security concerns because nobody could be certain that a riot may break out at the funeral at the time. Instead Elvis watched the funeral from his on-location trailer. According to his co-star at the time Celeste Yarnell who watched the proceeding with Elvis in his trailer, Elvis &quot;felt a tremendous brotherhood with the black community because he grew up poor and he knew what it was like to live in poverty.He was also proud that many blacks embraced him as one of their own.
** About {{w|Andrew Young|Andy Young}}'s knowledge on the thus far secret relationship between Dr. MLK Jr. and Elvis, as told by him to African American music critic Gary Butler, during a 2018 Q&amp;A session with Andrew Young.

* I'm like Elvis Presley out here. I’m Swaggy Presley.
** {{w|Nick Young (basketball)|Nick Young}}, reacting after the Pepsi Center embraced him in a manner bordering on hysterical, as he was Elvis at The Ed Sullivan Show, and as reported on BSN dwebver on December 16, 2018.

== Z ==

* Her voice was optimism shaded with occasional sorrow, joy tempered by the understanding that nothing in life can be perfect, but above all it was a sound that both absorbed and radiated light. To hear it is to feel bathed in that light. She died on Thursday at age 76, and her death closes an era. She belongs not just in the pantheon of great soul singers, but in the realm of great artists period: John Coltrane, Elvis, the Beatles, Billie Holiday—with them, she helped give shape to the second half of the 20th century.
** {{w|Stephanie Zacharek}}, Pulitzer Prize winner, writing her eulogy of singer Aretha Franklin, for TIME, on the day of her death, August 16, 2018.

* He was the son of Afghanistan’s former prime minister, a prolific recording artist and a music idol for the masses. His music drew from Persian poetry as well as Indian classical styles, and it increasingly revealed a political edge, criticising the Soviet-backed Marxist regime who had seized power in Afghanistan following a 1978 military coup. There is some dream-like footage online of a 1970s gig at Kabul’s Intercontinental Hotel, showing an energetic figure leading a multi-instrumental band. The performer’s hip looks (dark quiff and sideburns; loosened tie) and rollicking, psych-roots grooves reflect the ‘Afghan Elvis’ nickname he earned.
** About {{w|Ahmad Zahir}}, whose life and still unaccounted death is being celebrated with a 2018 documentary as published in the BBC's December 7, 2018 edition.

* Some of those we have lost in 2019ː Elvis Presley (singer, actor, 84), perpetrator of the finest prank in history and of two of the best comeback concerts ever seen...
** British comedian {{w|Andy Zaltzman}}'s zany interpretation of what would have happened if Elvis had not died in 1977 but in 2019, as published in the iNews The Essential Daily Briefing Register for December 25, 2018.

* This is the mysterious part about music, the people who mean it, like Elvis, are generally the ones who are processing some kind of loss, and we connect to it.
** {{w|Warren Zanes}}, musician and writer, as laid out in the notes for the 2018 HBO three hour documentary he directed and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley: The Searcher&quot;

* Elvis has just left the building, Those are his footprints, right there, Elvis has just left the building, To climb up that heavenly stair
** {{w|Frank Zappa}} from his 1988 album &quot;Broadway the hard Way&quot;

* Can't you just imagine digging up the King? Begging him to sing?.
** {{w|Warren Zevon}}, rock singer-songwriter and musician, in his song, &quot;Jesus Mentioned&quot;.

* He is the Elvis of cultural  theory
** About {{w|Slavoj Žižek}}, as noted in the International Journal of Žižek Studies, 2011 Facebook page.   

* Elvis' 1969 opening night in Las Vegas was his first time back on a live stage in more than eight years, playing the biggest showroom in the biggest hotel and drawing more people for his four-week engagement than any other show in Las Vegas history. His performance got rave reviews, “Suspicious Minds” gave him his first number-one hit in seven years, and Elvis became Vegas's biggest star. Over the next seven years, he performed more than 650 shows there, and sold out every one. Las Vegas was changed too. The intimate night-club-style shows of the Rat Pack, who made Vegas the nation's premier live-entertainment center in the 1950s and ‘60s, catered largely to well-heeled older gamblers. Elvis brought a new kind of experience: an over-the-top, rock-concert-like extravaganza, setting a new bar for Las Vegas performers, with the biggest salary, the biggest musical production, and the biggest promotion campaign the city had ever seen. In doing so, he opened the door to a new generation of pop/rock performers, and brought a new audience to Las Vegas—a mass audience from Middle America that the city depends on for its success to this day.
** {{w|Richard Zoglin}} in his 2019 book &quot;Elvis in Vegas: How the King of Rock 'n' Roll Reinvented the Las Vegas Show&quot;:

* What was the Strip like back then, or what was it like to see Elvis Presley.....
** {{w|Lynn Zook}}, in her book Classic Las Vegas: A look back at the city 1956–1973

* I knew him when he was a kid. He used to play the guitar and go around with quartets and to Negro ‘sanctified’ meetings. He lived near the colored section, and people around here say he's one of the nicest boys they ever knew. He just doesn't impress me as the type of person who would say a thing like that.
** W.A. Zuber, an African American, as told to reporter Louis Robinson and quoted in the latter's article debunking the rumor that Elvis was a racist, as published in Jet magazine's issue of August 1, 1957

* No, many thanks but I am just a tourist here and prefer no photos are taken.
** {{w|Mark Zuckerberg}}'s reply to Rhonda Lamb, in charge of the tour operation and management around Elvis' Tupelo Birthplace and Museum, when she asked him whether he would like to appear as part of the usual group photos, as noted in the October 2, 2017, edition of the Clarion Ledger.

* I shall always regret not having seen Elvis Presley live...
** Canadian politician {{w|Gene Zwozdesky}}, answering the Edmonton's Star question on what would it be a concert he would have liked to attend, as published in that newspaper on 20 August, 2016.

* Our childhood housekeeper kept us supplied with a handwritten list of records. And when our mom would go out shopping and say, “Kids, can I get you something?,” we'd say, “You going by the record store? Here’s the list.” And sure enough, it was Jimmy Reed. It was Larry Williams. It was Ray Charles. All the good stuff. My sister and I played the sides off of those records. We'd turn those 45 rpm singles white. And I remember my mom taking us to see Elvis Presley and that kind of did it ... we had the music bug. And then my father took me down to a recording session at ACA, that was Bill Holford's place. And he put me in a chair and he said, “I’ll be in the office if you need me. Stick around because there are some musicians gonna make a recording session.” And I was kind of enjoying it, and who should walk in but B.B. King and his band. So between seeing Elvis and watching B.B. King record, it was carved in stone.
** {{w|ZZ Top}}' Billy F.Gibbons for Texas Monthly's January 7, 2019 edition.

== See also ==
* [[Elvis Presley]]
* [[Quotes about Elvis Presley (A–L)]]
 
[[Category:Rock and roll]]
[[Category:Pop music]]
[[Category:Rockabilly]]
[[Category:Country music]]
[[Category:Soul music]]
[[Category:Rhythm and blues]]
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== M ==

* I used to mime  music-making to records before I started formal piano lessons around age nine, but it was seeing Elvis Presley perform on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1957 that really got me excited about playing music.  I was totally in love with both Elvis and Bo Diddley,  but that wasn't allowed in my house. I wanted to be a guitar player, but they wouldn't allow a guitar in the house. I had to play classical music on the piano, so it took a long time to get somewhere. Eventually, my dad bought me an alto saxophone and I fell into playing sax but before long, rock ‘n’ roll struck as part of the British Invasion, and I  reverted to the keyboard.
** [[w:Willie Macalder|Willie Macalder]], Canadian musician, in an article on his induction in the Edmonton Blues Hall of Fame, as published by the Edmonton Journal on May 24, 2018

* Others get a kick out of Elvis,  a passing phase so I recommend the Government feed the souls of men with the music of Beethoven and Dvorak. I never realized that I was so far out of date until I saw this artist on a CBC television production. Heaven help us if that is the way our generation is going... 
**[[w:William Ross Macdonald|William Ross Macdonald]],   Senator and the then  Leader of the Government in the Senate,  commenting,  on the   record and      in January 23  of 1957,  about Elvis  popularity. 

* But it is Presley's singing, halfway between a western and a rock 'n' roll style, that has sent teenagers into a trance; they like his wailing in a popular song like &quot;Blue Moon&quot; or such western tunes as &quot;I'll Never Let You Go&quot;, but they go crazy over the earthy, lusty mood of such rock 'n' roll numbers as &quot;Money Honey&quot;; and the reason is simple enough: Presley sings with a beat; and you can be certain that there'll always be music with a beat and that, whether you like it or not, there will always be an Elvis Presley.
** Helen MacNamara, Canadian Music writer and book author, writing on Presley's future impact, as published on the June 9, 1956 issue of &quot;Saturday Night Magazine&quot;

* France's Elvis brought a part of America into our national pantheon. And all of us in France have something of Johnny Hallyday in us.
** {{w|Emmanuel Macron}}, President of France, on the death of Johnny Hallyday, as published in the Evening Standard on 6 December, 2017.

* He is  probably more famous than anyome who has ever been famous 
** {{w|Michael Madsen}} in the Truth about Elvis trailer. 

* Oh, they can kiss my ass,” she says of critics who might accuse her of borrowing other cultures’ fixtures. It's a topic she seems interested to discuss. “I’m not appropriating anything. I’m inspired and I’m referencing other cultures. That is my right as an artist. They said Elvis Presley stole African-American culture. That’s our job as artists, to turn the world upside down and make everyone feel bewildered and have to rethink everything.”
** [[w:Madonna|Madonna]], in an article by Michael Jacobs entitled &quot;To hell and back, Madonna lives to tell&quot;, as published by the Huffington Post on 13 March, 2015.

* In 1957, I came home from school one day and my mother said she read in the newspaper that Elvis was going to play the arena right near my high school. She didn't want me to go see Elvis. But years later, when the Electric Factory Concerts I then headed booked Elvis at the Spectrum, in 1971, she was the first to ask me for tickets...
** Larry Magid, founder of {{w|Electric Factory Concerts}} in an interview with Amplify, published in their online edition of October 12, 2017.

* When Ed made his weekly call to the Trendex ratings service, he confirmed what he had suspected: Allen's show with Elvis had soundly beaten his, garnering a 20.2 rating with a 55.3% share  (about 40 million viewers), compared with his own show's 14.8 rating and 39.7 % share (roughly 19 million).  Within the week, he called Presley's manager, Colonel Tom Parker. It was time to make a deal. Colonel Parker, knowing he had Ed where he wanted him, extracted a whopping $50,000 for three appearances, far more than any previous Sullivan guest. On September 9, 1956, the camera would pull  up at times to show only his upper torso. Yet the limited camera angle didn't dampen the effect —if anything, his facial expression, the abandon on his face, was more potent than even his gyrating hips. This was untamed beatific energy,  the definition of charisma, a bolt of white-hot energy. The all-girl cheering section sounded like it was on the verge of storming the stage. Never before had so much female sexual desire been broadcast into so many American living rooms. The evening was a decisive ratings triumph, garnering a 43.7 Trendex rating, an 82.6% share,  translating to some sixty million people, or about a third of the country—  the largest television audience to date. Indeed, Elvis' performance of “Hound Dog” that night would be one of a small handful of moments that defined the decade.
** James Maguire,  in Chapter 12 of his book  &quot;Impresario: The Life and Times of [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]], published by Billboard in 2006.

* In his Grammy-winning 1986 song &quot;Graceland,&quot; Paul Simon reveals his thoughts during a road trip to the home of Elvis Presley in Memphis. In the lyrics, Simon states, “For reasons I cannot explain there’s some part of me wants to see Graceland.” Even though I can't list myself as a dedicated fan, I have always appreciated his tremendous talent and the major impact he had on the world of entertainment. Not only his musical talent crossed many genres, but there's no question that he is one of the cultural icons of the 20th century. So once there, we were impressed by the mansion itself, which continues to have the feel of the 1960s-style residence Elvis developed and loved so much. The original 10,266-square-foot Colonial Revival style mansion was built in 1939 for a Memphis socialite and her husband. The expansive surrounding property includes the “Meditation Garden,” containing the graves of the singer, his parents Vernon and Gladys and his grandmother Minnie Presley. So, do we recommend the Graceland experience? The answer is yes, as the house, property and family cemetery are all definitely worth seeing.
** Jeff Maguire, writing for [[w:Ottawa|Inside Ottawa Walley]], in an article entitled &quot;Graceland pilgrimage fulfilled longtime wish&quot;, as published in their March 27,  2019 edition.

* Yes, I've known him for his music and films, and indeed he is one of my favourites
** King [[w:Mahendra of Nepal|Mahendra of Nepal]]'s answer on whether Elvis  was one of his favourites, as told  after meeting him  on the set of &quot;G.I. Blues&quot; and  as reported in a May 11, 1960 story by the  Los Angeles Times writer Walter Ames.

* Performing a few more classics like &quot;Crossroads&quot; and &quot;Vincent&quot; from his &quot;American Pie&quot; album, he takes a break between songs to talk about setting off from his hometown for the first time to pursue his music in California and witnessing the the MGM Studio auctions in the late 60's. Moving on, he took a step back in time to &quot;And I Love You So&quot;, from his debut album, Tapestry, released in 1970. The song became an instant classic at its release, and was covered by many of the greats including &quot;my favorite&quot;, McLean revealed, &quot;Elvis Presley&quot;, who recorded it and used it in 125 of his live performances from 1975 until his death in 1977.
** Shawn Costa, reviewing for Mass Live a performance by singer songwriter [[w:Don McLean|Don McLean]] in Hartfort, CT on October 15, 2016

* My next book is about how the U.S. Army tried to ‘transform’ itself to meet the challenges of the atomic bomb, as well as the American experiment with a large peacetime, short-service citizen-soldier force and conscription. The idea that someone as famous and controversial as Elvis Presley could be drafted and become a symbol of the U.S. military and the nation's commitment to the defense of the free world fascinates me. His exemplary military service was well chosen, for that young man quietly accepted the call to duty, raised his hand and took the oath, wore the uniform and performed soldierly tasks as well as he had cavorted on the stage before adoring teenyboppers. Thus, after years of unremitting effort, the all-volunteer force that many call “the best Army this or any other nation has ever fielded” has come to face new enemies, new challenges with, if not sublime confidence, at least sturdy resolution. In considering the long hard period of transformation, one ponders the profound commentary of Elvis Presley's first sergeant: “By submitting to the draft and entering the Army as an ordinary private, Elvis accepted the discipline of an institution that had come to play a vital role in transforming men from assorted backgrounds into soldiers and Americans. A condensed version of those lines might stand as a pretty good inscription on the Pelvis’ tombstone.
** Review of Military historian {{w|Brian McAllister Linn}} book, &quot;Elvis Army, Cold War GIs and the atomic battlefield&quot; (Harvard University Press), as published in the Roanoke Times, on 23 September 2016.

* In &quot;Clambake&quot;, Elvis was going to do a scene in a bar with Shelley Fabares, and in the back these waiters were wearing —you know, the tasseled cup hats and also wearing vests with gold trim and stuff, so I went and put one of those on, as a joke, and then they put a moustache on me. So I'm cleaning up a table, and Elvis is about 5 or 10 feet away from where I'm cleaning, and as he's talking to her, I'm knocking over glasses and finally they said, “Cut!” And he didn't look around —he just kind of shrugged— but I did it purposely three times in a row, and on the third time he turned around and said, ““What the hell are you doing over there? Well, anyways, I did the next take right, and you can spot me back there. He used to called me “Double Trouble,” actually because they did a movie where he was playing cousins and he had to play a blonde, so his Memphis Mafia kept teasing him: “You look like that guy on The Big Valley! So we used to play tricks on each other all the time. He’d be on stage at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, and I’d come off the other side from where he’s leaning down and singing, and I’d get some scarves and bring ’em out, and he’d hear this roaring over there from the other side of the stage, and he’d see me and go, “What the hell are you doing over there?” We'd do stuff like that all the time. We had a good time and yeah, well, Elvis and I were friends. It's too bad he died so young.
** [[w:Lee Majors|Lee Majors]], in an interview with A.V. Club on Nov 28, 2016

* Elvis took risks by being a pioneer in his adaptation of black culture. He received huge stick for perpetuating what some of his Southern brethren were referring to as “degenerate nigger music” and the threat it posed to the social order by the fact that blacks and whites were digging his music whether listening to it on the radio or live at (segregated) venues. Much has been made of the way in which he conducted his private life,  but this had a lot to do with his living within a kind  of fame that few humans could comprehend. So many people often remember how well mannered and humble he appeared to be in his  interactions.  He may not be ‘The King’ to all  but his impact on the course of music history cannot be denied and should not be denigrated.
** [[w:Academia.edu|Deyinka Makinde]], UK writer,  in an article entitled Elvis: Ruminations on Elvis Presley and Black America and published in Acadmia.edu in August of 2004.

* I  always thought that singers have what I call  the Elvis Presley syndrome — they think they're Elvis Presley. But they're not Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Yngwie Malmsteen|Yngwie Malmsteen]], Swedish guitar player extraordinaire, citing one of the reasons he finally got tired of playing lead guitar for numerous other singers and, thus,  in his latest album, decided to sing himself, as published by Blabbermouth on October 18, 2018.

* Ever since I was a kid, I was just glued to the record player. I would save allowances to buy Elvis records every week and still remember when I first heard &quot;It's Now or Never&quot;. I thought that was the greatest rock 'n' roll record I ever heard. It just blew my mind. But it blew my mind even more when my mom showed me it was actually an Italian aria. O Sole Mio, remains a part of my performance repertoire to this day. It was like, 'There you go. There is a connection with all of this music.' It all started from there.&quot;
** [[w:Raul Malo|Raul Malo]], US singer and songwriter  of Cuban extraction explaining to Walter Tunis how he became a music aficionado, as published on November 27 at Lex.go.co

* Other than Sinatra, there are only a handful of people who meant as much to the world of film as they did to the world of music,  Bing Crosby, Doris Day and Elvis Presley
** [[w:Leonard Maltin|Leonard Maltin]], US film critic and historian,  as noted  in the preface to the book included with the &quot;Frank Sinatra in Hollywood box set&quot;.

* Since emerging in 2003, Chen has become China's highest-profile fashion photographers. Her work regularly appears on the covers of the Chinese editions of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, and Elle. She is known for her bold, vibrant style that merges Chinese tradition with high fashion; Gender reversal is a central theme in Chen's work, as seen in a series of portraits, where Chen cast the Chinese actress [[w:Fan Bingbing|Fan Bingbing]], as various pop culture icons, namely Marilyn Monroe, Che Guevara, Superman, Bruce Lee, and Elvis Presley.
**About [[w:Chen Man|Chen Man]], China's top  visual artist, as published on February 21, 2018 in Broad Tones in an article entitled  &quot;China, Captured: How Chen Man Redefined Fashion&quot;

* The audience listened attentively as Eric Meola told about the one that got away – a sore spot for every professional photographer. It was catching up with Bruce Springsteen in an airport the day Elvis Presley died. Meola recounted how as he approached, he saw Bruce sitting on some luggage reading a newspaper with the headline proclaiming the end of Elvis. Bruce put the paper down and noticed Meola coming and at that point the moment was gone. &quot;I wasn't about to ask him to recreate it&quot;, he said.
** {{w|Michael Mancuso}}, for True NJ, reporting on how Meola and several other photographers recalled their working for Bruce Springsteen, following a panel discussion held at Princeton University's McCosh Hall, on March 3, 2017.

* Be like Elvis, go man go
** {{w|Princess Zenani Mandela-Dlamini}}'s words of encouragement to her father, written in an envelope containing a letter sent by her to her father during his time in solitary confinement at Robben Island Prison, as published in the 2018 book entitled 'The Prison Letters of Nelson Mandela'

* The music of Elvis Presley is very lively and popular, and I am glad to know that you are as fond of his music as I am, too.
** {{w|Nelson Mandela}}'s comment in a handwritten letter  dated March 1971, sent to his oldest daughter the now Princess {{w|Zenani Mandela-Dlamini}} from Robben Island Prison and as published in the 2018 book entitled 'The Prison Letters of Nelson Mandela'

* It was a little painful for me to get involved in the 1968 Special. There were two choreographers already hired by NBC, Claude Thompson and Jaime Rogers and although I had danced for Elvis, I wasn't one of their dancers, nor they knew who I was. But either Elvis, director [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] or Joe Esposito suggested I be allowed to dance, so they assigned me to Jaime's dancers. After an embarrasing start, after all, each choreographer prefers to use their own dancers, things were better for me. I was in a scene which Jaime directed but the NBC censors cut, the bordello scene. Now, on the side [[w:Lance Legault|Lance Legault]] and I worked with Elvis on some the dancing sequences and we would sometimes give him advice. He was an amazing listener, and  one of the best natural dance movers that I ever worked with.  He could do everything, an ability to just feel it from the inside out. But the one thing that stood out in my mind on the set was when I was called over to where the guys all hung out, taking a break. And he was talking, seated  while  giving a donation to a group of nuns that were on the set. And I am thinking to myself, OK, this man makes a very good living, I would assume but  he was taking his five minute break to talk to each one of these nuns, and find out where they were all  from. And I was just standing there listening. And that meant so much to me. It was unbelievable experience to watch him give like that. To give money is one thing, but to give of his time, and to give of his soul and to care about where all of these nuns came from,  that was just such a highlight and memory for me.
** [[w:Anita Mann|Anita Mann]] Five time Emmy Award recipient, choreographer, dancer and actress, speaking for the Television Academy Foundation on her contribution to Elvis feeling more relaxed on the dancing sequences during the shooting of the 1968 TV special

* It wag a lead pipe cinch that at the first masquerade party around these parts, some guests were sure to come as Dodger baseball players. Sure enough Harry James, Betty Grable and Mrs. Monte Proser did it first at the &quot;howling&quot; Halloween shindig hosted by Sy Devore and Sol Meadows. Debbie Reynolds was a clown and Eddie Fisher a &quot;teenage&quot; werewolf.  Marie McDonald, had no trouble looking like a gorgeous princess on the arm of Harry Karl, her private life prince. Joanne Bradshaw came as &quot;backless&quot; Vikki Dougan. Nat &quot;King&quot; Cole showed up as Elvis Presley, although the original was present. No people in the world love getting dressed up in costume more than actors who spend their lives getting dressed up in a costume for a living, so a large time was had by all.
** [[w:Louella Parsons|Dorothy Manners]], assistant to Louella Parsons, and writing on her behalf about the scene at Sy Davore's Hallowing Party, and published by the King syndication newspapers on November 4, 1957,

* This was the plan: we would take a holy and sacred picture of Elvis Presley, to the very summit of the earth; once there, we would place it with sincere reverence amongst the chimerical shimmering palaces of ice and snow and then, accompanied by some weird Zen magic,  we would light joss sticks, dance about making screechy kung-fu noises, get off our faces, and that would be it: Planet Earth saved. Simple.”
** Graphic artist [[w:Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction|Mark Manning]], in his book Bad Wisdom, published in 1996.

* Elvis Presley swam under musical waters where country ballads, New Orleans trumpets and urban and rural blues converged. In the US  South, music was not a passtime, rather a way of life,  a contradiction which fascinated  and transcended the day to day hardships, congregation and the devil's music. Elvis' genious was to absorb it all, then propell the so called rock and roll amalgam  into open space, while simultaneouly becoming its only true King
** Diego A. Manrique, Spanish Music historian, as excerpted from in his book, ‘Mitología, ritos y leyendas del rock’ as published in Alanytics, on 24 November 2021

* It is difficult to imagine two more dissimilar personalities than Elvis Presley and Mahatma Gandhi. And yet the words of Elvis Presley are strangely close to Gandhi's thinking when he said that he dreamt of an India where he would be able to wipe the last tears of the last child, words reminiscent to what Elvis once said and I quote &quot;I figure all any kid needs is hope and the feeling that he or she belongs. If I could do or say anything that would give some kid that feeling, I would believe I had contributed something to the world&quot;
** [[w:Lalit Mansingh|Lalit Mansingh]], Indian Ambassador to the US and former Foreign Minister, in his speech  as a  special guest at the Gandhi Exhibit Inaugural Gala presented by the Indian Community Fund for Greater Memphis, which followed an inauguration ceremony for the exhibit at the National Civil Rights Museum installed for the 35th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's death, as published at the Commercial Appeal on August 5, 2003.

* Actually I wouldn't be here in jail if not for those people you call family. They are the ones who put me here. I didn̪'t want to be seen, just  be left  alone in the desert. But they said, he is our star. I would have gone  ahead and let you bleed an Elvis Presley, you could have HIM for your little dreams, not me. I lived in Elvis Presley’s house, man. He ran me out of the yard. I got mad at him, I was going to throw some rocks at him. I never liked him even a little bit, but everybody else always kow-towed to him because he was rich and everything. To me, I don’t give a fuck how rich you are, I’ll just bust you up anyway.
** [[w:Charles Manson|Charles Manson]], in CharlesMansonssamples, at YouTube

* I never met him, although I saw his show in Las Vegas, and the great feeling I had after listening to his version of &quot;Somos Novios&quot; (&quot;Its impossible&quot;) was always so well known in music circles that the other day I received the main master, in acetate form, from a friend who just passed away. It's without a doubt my most valuable treasure.
** [[w:Armando Manzanero|Armando Manzanero]], Mexican singer songwriter's opinion on Elvis and of his having recorded one of his songs &quot;Its impossible&quot;, as related in NP25TV 2015

* While Archbishop [[w:Justin Welby|Justin Welby]] has denied statements about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s secret wedding that took place three days before their publicized royal wedding in 2018, pictures have proven otherwise, showing Welby dressed as Elvis in the secret ceremony, with a quiff that represented the famous rock singer’s hair, sideburns, and shades.  Archbishop Welby also held and strummed a red guitar in tribute of Meghan’s love for the late Elvis Presley.
** About [[w:Meghan Markle|Meghan Markle]]'s secret wedding to [[w:Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex|Prince Harry]], as reported by film daily on April 1, 2021.

* He was ahead of his time because he had such deep feelings and had the privilege of deep feelings because he was deeply loved by his mother, Gladys. He was able to appreciate profound beauty in sounds and he started a musical revolution. In fact, they say all revolutions start from love.
** [[w:Imelda Marcos|Imelda Marcos]], former First Lady of the Philippines, as published in www.graceland.com

* If any individual of our time can be said to have changed the world, Elvis Presley is the one. In his wake more than music is different. Nothing and no one looks or sounds the same. His music was the most liberating event of our era because it taught us new possibilities of feeling and perception, new modes of action and appearance, and because it reminded us not only of his greatness, but of our own potential. As to his comeback in 1968, it was the finest music of his life. If ever there was music that bleeds, this was it.The second edition of my book came out after Elvis died, and I was asked to put the whole Elvis chapter in the past tense, and I said no. The reason was that Elvis' presence was so powerful, I felt he's always in the present tense. When you listen to anything that says Elvis Presley to you, whoever you are, whether it's &quot;Long Black Limousine&quot; or &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; or &quot;Milkcow Blues Boogie&quot; or &quot;Any Day Now&quot; — I could go on forever — but the physical presence is so strong that death walks away. There's an obscene Elvis outtake of &quot;Stranger in My Hometown&quot;. Elvis is singing and suddenly it becomes completely autobiographical, and he explodes — he says &quot;I'm gonna start driving my motherfucking truck again. All them cocksuckers stopped being friendly, but you can't keep a hard prick down.&quot; He just goes off, yet it's completely musical, not just breaking down and screaming. He's right there. Every one of his greatest performances is in a way unfinished, because the emotion in them is so rich and so strained, in the best way, trying so hard to say what you mean emotionally, though you can never say everything, so as you listen, you add to that, you're engaged, you're taking part in the dialogue. So that will always be the present tense.
** [[w:Greil Marcus|Greil Marcus]], discussing the 40th anniversary of his book &quot;Mystery Train&quot; in a retrospective interview with Rob Sheffield of RollingStone published in the magazine's online edition on October 19, 2015.

* Elvis made more girls cry than anyone so the reference ( to flip the script there with a song about making boys cry), was irresistible. It was important that the song could represent empowerment without being divisive, because that's how Elvis was. In fact, I didn't know a lot about him until I visited Graceland recently.  Beyond his music, I'm moved by how much he cared for people. I've been telling my friends and fans some of the things I learned about it, and I'm excited that some of them are discovering him for the first time because of my video for ‘Boy Cry.’””
** Country artist Tegan Marie,  in an article  published by Forbes on June 29, 2018.

* Critiques of the Ed Sullivan program assumed that the Presley appeal was strictly telegenic—not vocal. His vocal style, in fact, was every bit as mobile as his hips. Since most of the journalists on the Elvis beat denied him any artistry, his two-and-a-third-octave range was never mentioned and the music itself was rarely analyzed.
** Author Karal Ann Marling, as noted in her 1996 book, &quot;As Seen on TV: The Visual Culture of Everyday Life in the 1950s (Harvard University Press).

* i) The biggest thing Elvis had was the command he had on stage, how he could control the crowd and the band. There’s a performance where he does ‘Hound Dog&quot; and at the end he slows it down, and – to me – it looked like an improv moment, not like something they rehearsed. It was like Presley saw girls in the audience freaking out and said to himself: ‘Watch me slow it down – and then really go nuts.’ And he slows it down at the end and then starts his little dance.....ii) impersonating Elvis at the age of four is when I first realized I wanted to become a performer.
** [[w:Bruno Mars|Bruno Mars]], speaking to reporters on his love of Elvis Presley's music, as reported by the AP ii) realitytvworld.com/news/bruno-mars-talks-fashion-e

*  Many artists are taking pictures of Elvis Presley, for example, and flipping them to create various iterations of color or texture. A lot of what Pop-Art has become is solely based on the familiar image and very little behind it. With my work, I want to talk about why Elvis or Audrey Hepburn will live on forever. Icons of mid century American history are still so prevalent today because they had interesting stories and immense talent, not just great marketing skills. Warhol said it best, that everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. The important aspect is having something positive to say.
** Pop artist [[w:Robert Mars|Robert Mars]], as published on the Huffington Post on January 12, 2018, in an article entitled &quot;Innovation Over Inundation: The 21st Century's Stand Out Pop-Artist.

* Elvis Presley was an explorer of vast new landscapes of dream and illusion. He was a man who refused to be told that the best of his dreams would not come true, who refused to be defined by anyone else's perceptions. This is the goal of democracy, the journey on which every American hero sets out. That Elvis made so much of the journey on his own is reason enough to remember him with the honor and love we reserve for the bravest among us. Such men made the only maps we can trust.

* I don’t know what President Trump’s future holds, but I think Elvis rock ’n’ roll music’s still playin
** Senator [[w:Roger Marshall (politician)|Roger Marshall]] (R),   drawing a comparison between Elvis and former US Pres. Donald Trump, as noted  in  the Wall Street Journal' s March 4, 2022 edition 

* There are some things — football, particle physics, heavy metal, and constitutional law among them — that I love, but don't love nearly as much as I love the way people love them. Give me a choice between watching the Super Bowl and watching people talk about the Super Bowl for two hours, and I'll always pick the latter: Listen to someone explain their passion, and eventually, they'll show you their soul. But at the very top of this list of loves, there can only be one man, Elvis Presley. I love him, I think to myself as I leave Graceland, as much as I can love a human being I have never truly known. But, maybe more than anything else about him, I love him for the fact that both his presence and his absence created a space for people to come together and try to comprehend the capacity for destruction and redemption, the sheer power, of their love. I love the potential for intimacy and revelation such a space allows. I love that it has lingered long enough for me to find it....
** Writer [[w:Sarah Marshall|Sarah Marshall]], contributing for The Week, on 23 August, 2013

* I remembered meeting Elvis and he was the one who told me my dad was the king of cool. I'll never forget that.
** Singer [[w:Deana Martin|Deana Martin]], reflecting on her father Dean's music legacy, encounters and rumors, as published by Fox News on September 23, 2017.

* I never sang to people. I sang for them, so in 1956, I told that to Elvis Presley. After that he sang not to but for the audience. A subtle difference.
** Singer [[w:Tony Martin|Tony Martin]] as noted in rainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley_2.html

* After Ann Margret's show, which I had opened for, Elvis came up to see her, they were friends, so there were in a suite and I see this beautiful woman, Priscilla, his wife, coming in, and then I see Elvis, he looks wow, lean, great, so he walks by me, sees me, and says.... &quot;Son you have an oblique sense of humor....
** Comedian [[w:Steve Martin|Steve Martin]], at the Dave Letterman Show. Years later he wrote a play where Presley, along with Einstein and Picasso, are the main  characters, called &quot;Picasso at the Lapin Agile&quot;:

* I idolized Elvis. I sent him so many songs and I never heard word one. Then one day in 1976  I was pitching songs and this famous publisher sat down next to me and says, ‘Layng, do you have a song for Elvis?” There were three I thought might work. Interestingly, the one I  was least excited about, the one I  almost didn't bother to send in, was the one Elvis chose. The song was &quot;Way Down.&quot;  Someone in the music industry called me i 1977  to  tell me  &quot;Way Down&quot; was climbing the charts. I  was so excited. Two days later, I got another call, this time from my attorney.  She said, &quot;Layng, are you near a television? Elvis Presley is dead. How did this happen?.  He listened to my demo of me singing  It was just the most impossible thing I've ever heard of. And it still is,  that  my song would be the last he released as a single.
** Songwriter [[w:Layng Martine Jr.|Layng Martine Jr.]], for Forbes and  as published on their August 19, 2019 edition.

*  He came in, and they I.D. him. LOL. And he actually left his license at the front while he went in and hung out for a while. I think [[w: Rodney Bingenheimer's English Disco|Rodney]] still has it.
** Columnist and producer [[w:Alison Martino|Alison Martino]], daughter of singer [[w:Al Martino|Al Martino]], recalling the time Elvis went to Rodney Bingenheimer's English Disco at the Sunset Strip, in LA,  in an article published in  the LA Curb's 21 March 2019 edition.

*  I seldom do, unless I stub my toe.
** [[w:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]]'s zany answer to Roberta Rene,   the President  of the San Diego  Elvis Presley Fan Club,  on why Groucho,   while debating the merits of Rock &amp; Roll,  had yet to mention  Elvis, in an episode of &quot;You bet your life&quot;  broadcast on Dec 12, 1957

* Elvis was sort of the first impact on me – his charisma, his performing prowess...
** Singer and songwriter [[w:Richard Marx|Richard Marx]] in an interview with Jim Radenhausen, of Pocono Record, as published on April 29, 2016.

* If there is one small glimmer of good news, it is that decent, thoughtful and sane voters slightly outnumber the bigots and lunatics. I want to live in an America where that victory is not only mathematical, but political — the America of Walt Whitman's imagination, Elvis Presley's voice and Martin Luther King's oratory.
** [[w:David Masciotra|David Masciotra]], for Salon, in an article entitled White Flight From Reality: Inside the Racist Panic that Fueled Donald Trump's Victory and published on November 12, 2016.

* Two months ago scarcely anyone but economists had even heard of mechanism design. Suddenly, it has notoriety worthy of an Elvis Presley ( a man who) somehow manages to attract a huge public following without even trying. Indeed, he can't very well try since he's been dead for 30 years. Yet, isn't it remarkable that, for one week a year, that kind of attention is focused not just on economics, but on physics, chemistry, medicine, and literature. And for that astounding accomplishment, I'd like to express my warmest appreciation to the Nobel Foundation and the Nobel awarding bodies.
** [[w:Eric Maskin|Eric Maskin]], US economist and one of three 2007 Nobel laureate in Economics as stated in his acceptance speech at the Nobel Foundation, in Sweden and as published by nobelprize.org

* He was an instinctive actor, quite bright, very intelligent, not a punk. In fact, he was very elegant, sedate, refined, and sophisticated.
** Actor [[w:Walter Matthau|Walter Matthau]] who co-starred with Elvis in &quot;King Creole,&quot; from a 1987 interview

* Presley's vocal range was exceptional – amazingly so for an untrained singer. It ranged from Low F in the bass register to top B Flat and B in the tenor range. This is over two octaves, when most singers can only manage just over one octave. Quite apart from the range of Presley's voice (and this range remained with him throughout his life, a fact proved by his recordings) the equally surprising thing was that its quality and distinctive timbre remained constant throughout this range. This is also exceptional and quite the most conclusive proof – if any were needed – that Elvis Presley possessed a natural gift for singing which was completely and utterly rare. For if it were not – where are all the other Elvis Presleys?
**[[w:Robert Matthew-Walker|Robert Matthew-Walker]], UK classical music writer and composer, describing Elvis' vocal qualities in his book &quot;Heartbreak Hotel: The Life And Music Of Elvis Presley&quot;

* Throughout the hearing, Mattis was treated to bipartisan praise with Senate Armed Services Committee chairman John McCain announcing at the start that he couldn't be happier that Mattis had been nominated. &quot;I think you're going going to be an extraordinary defense secretary,&quot;, Senator Ted Cruz then told Mattis, including a story about how excited his chief of staff, a former Marine, had been when Mattis visited Cruz's office. &quot;If Elvis Presley had walked into the office, he wouldn't have been more thrilled than to see you walk in, General.&quot;
** About General [[w:Jim Mattis|Jim Mattis]]'s confirmation hearings to become Secretary of Defense in 2017, as published in Standard, on January 13, 2017.

* I wasn't a big fan of him as I only knew him from the Dorsey and Sullivan Shows. But then he won me over when I spent the entire day of the concerts with him, in his dressing room, where he took a lot of his time talking to me and asking me questions about Jazz music and my musical influences. From his part, he said he loved gospel music and the blues the most. I found him to be an earthy kid, a first class gentleman and an exceptional family person.
** Arni May, Canadian Jazz musician who, at age 20, played drums for the then 22 year old Elvis during his two back to back shows in Ottawa, on April 3, 1957, the latter the result of Canadian union laws obliging foreign entertainers to play with local bands, as told in the Province's August 31, 2015 edition.

* I found that I could do Elvis's &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, and that's the great thing, you could pick it up and in a few hours, you could get to something that make you feel good. (Years later), Freddy wrote &quot;Crazy little thing called love&quot; as a tribute to Elvis, of whom he was very fond of.
** [[w:Brian May|Brian May]], Queen's lead guitarist, detailing some of the riffs that influenced him the most, for the Irish Examiner on November 18, 2016

* The record industry is fully aware that premature death sells records. After Chester Bennington, the 41-year-old lead singer of the group Linkin Park took his own life, there was a 7,000% surge in the group's music plays. When rock 'n' roll legend Chuck Berry died aged 90, his music sales went through the roof, even though he hadn't released a new album in nearly 40 years. Prince was the top-selling artist of 2016, according to Billboard, outselling every other artist, living or dead, with a total of 7.7 million that year. While in even more notable moments of music history, John Lennon's musical comeback album went on to sell seven million copies in the following six months. But it was Elvis Presley who eclipsed them all. If there was Elvis product in stores following his death, they all got picked clean&quot;. In fact, Presley catalogue sales reportedly totalled 200 million copies worldwide in the four months after his passing.
** [[w:Geoff Mayfield|Geoff Mayfield]], US Billboard's director of charts as published by the Irish Independent on January 20, 2018.

* Toyota, the Japanese automaker, said yesterday that it would invest $1.3 billion to build its eighth North American assembly plant just outside Tupelo, in northeastern Mississippi. The plant will build the Toyota Highlander, a crossover vehicle, and will employ 2,000 workers. Production is expected to begin in 2010, and reach 150,000 vehicles each year. The decision brings Toyota to an area best known for being the birthplace of Elvis Presley.
** Micheline Maynard, in an article for the New York Times, entitled &quot;Toyota to Build $1.3 Billion Plant in the Land of Elvis&quot; published a few months after US Pres. George Bush took Prime Minister Junishiro Koizumi (a huge Elvis fan who was also born on a January 8) to Graceland, in Memphis, and on Air Force One, a gesture which may have influenced the Japanese car maker to choose Tupelo as the site of the plant.

* A rise in the number of outbreaks of vaccine-preventable diseases has highlighted the growing trend for parents not to have their child vaccinated. Could the activities of a group of teenagers against polio in 1950s America inspire a fresh look at the effectiveness of pro-vaccine public health information campaigns? Well, today, thanks to a 50 year global effort to eradicate polio, only two countries (Afghanistan and Pakistan) remain polio-endemic. It was a very different situation when the Salk vaccine was licensed in 1955. Even in 1957, as many as 30% of people still had no inoculations, and a third of all new cases were in teens, its use threatened in the USA by ‘vaccine hesitancy&quot; And then young people themselves – and Elvis Presley – became the answer to the problem, in what might be the first, largest and most successful case of teen health activism of the time. The fight waged against vaccine noncompliance in 1950s America, he suggests, could provide important lessons for the world today.
** University of Cambridge historian Dr Stephen Mawdsley, in a film entitled &quot;Teens Against Polio, (released in World Immunization Week, 24-30 April 2016), describing how the activities of a group of teenagers against polio in 1950s America, spearheaded by Presley, if studied carefully, may 60 years later inspire a fresh look at the effectiveness of pro-vaccine public health information campaigns.

* In our survey the option that most people liked was 'Well-known popular music from any period'. This was closely followed by 'Well-known classical music' and 'Well-known music from the last year'. What do these categories actually mean when it comes to artists? Maybe think of the top 3 as Elvis Presley, Luciano Pavarotti and Katy Perry.
** Maʐaru̪ rankings, as regards music most liked by waiting telephone callers, as published in an article on December 15, 2018, following a  2018 study  by [[w:ICM Research|ICM Research]],

* I can still remember when you visited me in my humble home at Beatrice Cottages and we listened to Elvis and sang along and laughed together, then you revealed your soul to me, your dreams, your hopes – and I wrote your first biography...
** Will Mbanga, in a personal letter asking for the resignation of his former friend and comrade, President [[w:Robert Mugabe|Robert Mugabe]], a huge Elvis fan whose home in Harare is filled with Elvis memorabilia, and as published in Open Democracy on 25 February 2008.

* I remember him being tall, slender and so beautiful.  I mean, what a beautiful man. And he had this beautiful voice.  He was a spiritual guy, and he loved to read anything about being spiritual. He wasn’t so much religious, but spiritual. And I, too, was fascinated by those things. So we bonded over that. We used to exchange books on the set, and it was great fun. We would have conversations all the time about being spiritual. It was a good relationship, very solid. I knew he really wanted to be taken seriously as an actor.  He was almost too beautiful to be thought of as serious. It must be very awful to be at the very top like that because nobody could possibly relate to what it’s like to be there and expect you to stay there. He of course embraced it beautifully.  But I think he was also pretty lonely and wanted more for himself. He was, of course, very special. But I don’t think he saw himself that way. There was a sadness about him. It just makes you wonder what could have been. I loved Elvis. 
** [[w:Diane McBain|Diane McBain]]'s  laud of Elvis, in an interview with Fox News and published on their May 10, 2022  online edition. . 

* Music, like marketing, is one of those areas of film making that often get overlooked by producer/directors. I know of one  who had a budget of USD $1,000,000 and never thought about spending any of that money on music. While this would be problematic for any type of movie, it was particularly bad in that the movie was a biopic about Elvis Presley. After three years, he  moved on to other failed projects, but his investor, knowing that he'd poured a lot of money into a movie that can't even be released, eventually broke down and paid Presley's estate significant more money to acquire at least some music royalties for the movie.  Since he didn't want to overspend, he ended up purchasing the rights to just one hit song and one “deep cut.” And the producer's brother ended up composing most of the Elvis-esque music for the film...
** John McCabe, in an article entitled &quot;How to get hold of the perfect music score, legally&quot;, as published by Red Shark News on October 19, 2018.

* As a jazz educated singer I had reservations about entering the Elvis world. There can be a lot of judgement about his music and the image that has been created of him over many years. But I found myself completely falling in love with his songs. Each night on stage I would discover another lyric, another chord change, another nuance that thrilled and moved me all at once. Studying the Elvis songbook, I found  breathtaking recordings of the same songs by other artists.  I was literally stopped in my tracks. These musical masterpieces were being revealed to me and I had Elvis to thank for it
** Australian singer and cabaret artist Mel McCaig, explaining the reasoning behind  her first solo Adelaide show, &quot;Gifts from the King&quot;, in an interview with Broadway World, as published on 25 September 2018.
 
*  John Lennon said that before Elvis there was nothing. After Elvis, nothing was the same. Perry Como is said to have said that Elvis was a threat to the moral health of the nation. What brighter endorsement could you wish for? Dial him up singing ‘Lonesome Tonight’ and marvel at the shambling majesty even as you ache for what's lost.  Another thing about Elvis was that he was the most beautiful man in the world. To be as beautiful as that and also as bad was an alluring combination, love potion and lethal poison. When Pope Paul VI died within a year of Elvis, many of us shrugged. There'd be another Pope along in a minute. But there'd never ever be another Elvis. Dissing the dead Pope while singing hosannas to Elvis's immortality was the pitch-perfect response...-
**[[w:Eamonn McCann|Eamonn McCann]] in an article for Hotpress entitled  &quot;On Elvis, The Undertones and 1,000 issues of Hot Press&quot; , as published on their 1,000 edition, that of October 22,  2019 edition.

* I am working on several, actually. I've just delivered scripts on George Washington, John Lennon and Yoko Ono and  I am also looking at making something on Elvis Presley.
** Film maker [[w:Anthony McCarten|Anthony McCarten]]'s answer as to which historic figures he would wish to next make a biopic of, in an interview published in  Telegraph of India's March 15 edition.

* My earliest memory of music was Elvis Presley when I was four and a half years old. I then reached into my parents album collection, which is very extensive, and pulled out a record of his. From that moment on, in 1992, I really took to the music industry,
**[[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]], in an interview with the Setonian published on 19 March,2018

* i) Elvis was too important and too far above the rest even to mention, so we didn't put him on the list because he was more than merely an artist, he was Elvis.  ii). I'm primitive on music. I don't want to learn it, it's too serious, too like homework. And nothing about my childhood inspired me with a love of classical music. My dad was a bit of a jazzer so if a symphony came on the radio he would immediately turn it off. School was no better, you would have just had to play one Elvis record and we would have been hooked. We'd have turned up in droves to that lesson. (In fact) I've got so many vivid memories of being a kid in Liverpool. Like everyone I suppose, I have millions of memories of those days. I remember John and I going up to the airport on our bikes to watch the planes. It makes me smile to think that they named the airport after him. So then I think back to getting the bus with George, going to school. And then the memories go beyond that, to getting the bus to &quot;The Cavern&quot; or the &quot;Grosvenor Ballroom&quot;. And then the memories go beyond that and beyond that, and I have to remember that I was one of the guys that all that was happening to. You have to pinch yourself and say ‘did that REALLY happen?’. Did I REALLY meet Elvis?”
**[[w:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]], i) In answer to why Elvis Presley was not included on the Sgt Peppers album cover and ii) reminiscing about his early years with the Beatles, as published on the Liverpool Echo's online edition of 24 May, 2015 and as extracted from the book &quot;Conversations with McCartney&quot; by Paul DuNoyer.

* When I took him to my  Frankfurt home for lunch, my wife offered to make him a hamburger, but he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then asked for another one..
** Harold “Gene” McCloskey, a veteran of both the Korean and Vietnam wars who in 2018, was presented with eight medals for his military service that he actually  should have received 50 years before, recalling the moment he met Elvis while they  were posted in Germany with the [[w:3rd Armored Division (United States)|3rd Armored Division]],in an article published at the Wellsboro Gazette on November 15, 2018

* He was a precious gift from God we cherished and loved dearly. He had a God-given talent that he shared with the world and without a doubt, he became most widely acclaimed, capturing the hearts of young and old alike. He was admired not only as an entertainer, but as the great humanitarian that he was for his generosity, and his kind feelings for his fellow man. He revolutionized the field of music and received its highest awards and became a living legend in his own time, earning the respect and love of millions. God saw that he needed some rest and called him home to be with HIM. We miss you, son and daddy. I thank GOD that HE gave us you as our son. Elvis Aaron Presley January 8, 1935-August 16, 1977. Son of Vernon Elvis Presley and Gladys Love Presley and father of Lisa Marie Presley
** Elvis epitaph as seen on his tombstone, written by *[[w:Janelle McComb|Janelle McComb]], and commissioned and directed by Vernon Presley in 1977.

*He is such a big Elvis Presley fan that he has been known to dress up as Elvis, complete with white silk jumpsuit and black puffed-up wig. At the [[w:Parkes Elvis Festival|Parkes Elvis Festival]], he had no qualms about being photographed with fellow Elvis fans and then Labor opponent [[w:Sam Dastyari|Sam Dastyari]]
** About Australia's Deputy Prime Minister [[w:Michael McCormack (Australian politician)|Michael McCormack]], as reported by The Australian on February 27, 2018.

* Elvis Presley. It's a big, all-American icon with a sense of duty...
** David McCowen, describing what the Grand Cherokee would be, if it were a celebrity, for Drive, as published on 23 October 2016

* In 1954, R&amp;B̪ writer  [[w:Charles Singleton (songwriter)|Charles Singleton]] and I wrote &quot;Trying to Get to You,&quot; which was first recorded by The Eagles,  a black vocal group.  Elvis Presley heard their version in a store in Memphis, and he decided to record the song. Elvis did it like The Eagles. Amazing how he did that. He wasn't a big star at that point, and we thought that  he couldn't sing. We just  didn't understand, yet, were grateful to him.  Thank God for Elvis.
** [[w:Rose Marie McCoy|Rose Marie McCoy]]'s laud of Elvis, who recorded a couple of songs she co-wrote with Charles Singleton, and included one of them  in his first album, which spent 10 weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard pop charts, as published in NPR̺'s &quot;Lady Writes the bluesː The Life Of Rose McCoy&quot;, on February 27, 2009

* Dylan heard the news while he was at his farm in Minnesota, with his children. I was playing with the kids and planning a birthday party for Samuel Dylan's 9th birthday. Dylan was writing songs for his next album, which turned out to be Street Legal. When Dylan told me that Presley had died, and I said I was not a fan, he didn't talk to me for a week. He really took it bad, was really grieving and said that if it wasn't for Elvis he never would have gotten started. He opened the door, Dylan told me, then went over his whole life, his whole childhood and didn't talk to anyone for a week.
** [[w:Street-Legal (album)|Faridi McFree]], art teacher for Nobel laureate Bob Dylan's children, on the day and week after Elvis' death, in an interview with NSF, Music Station.

* Growing up, I could sing every Elvis song. In first or second grade, I'd wrap a scarf around my neck, put a big hibiscus flower in my shirt pocket, and perform Live From Hawaii. He came through Monroe, Louisiana, on one of his last tours, and my mom was going to take me, but I got mumps. When she was getting ready for the show, I was lying on the floor kicking and screaming because I couldn't go. In fact, every artist puts a bit of the King into every performance. We're all just trying to be Elvis, aren't we?
** [[w:Tim McGraw|Tim McGraw]], on his first influence, as published in CMT News online page on July 14, 2016.

* Swipe to see me attempting a classic Elvis move after the film, and my beautiful, most elegant lady, my number 1 supporter from day 1, screaming like Elvis’ fans in the movie! Wow! What a great movie about a great man and a great crew and story! Thank you and God bless Elvis Presley and his entire family and team ❤️ this is a must watch!
** [[w:Conor McGregor|Conor McGregor]]' s laud of Baz Luhrmann's  biopic, in an instagram sent on May 25, 2022, from the 2022 Cannes Festival. 

* No, we all started with rock ’n’ roll, Elvis Presley and the whole Sun Records gang.  In my case, while riding my bike in '56, I heard  “Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and Ii was then that  I wanted to play the guitar.
** [[w:Roger McGuinn|Roger McGuinn]]'s answer to the question of whether folk music had been his and the Byrds' first influence, in an interview with Variety, and published on November 6, 2016. He later added more details on the Wall Sreet Journal's edition of September 25, 2018.

* The headline news of &quot;Platinum&quot;, which can be appreciated by fans, scholars, critics and religious fanatics alike, is the inclusion of a newly discovered 1954 demo of the unsigned Elvis singing a lilting wisp of a pop song called &quot;I'll Never Stand in Your Way&quot;. His unsophisticated performance is mesmerizing; clearly indebted to the style of the &quot;Ink Spots&quot;, Elvis' airy tenor floats delicately above his own guitar accompaniment, aching and somewhat pinched in its feeling; you sense the singer itching to cut loose, to really swing the lyric, open it up; it is in those moments, when the pentimento of the blues vocalist reveals itself, that the melding of styles that soon would change the course of popular music is on fleeting display; it's rare when a single song can be said to make a pricey box-set worthwhile, but this particular &quot;Rosetta stone&quot; of a rare cut, does precisely that. Big time.
** David McGee, reviewing the platinum box-set for Rolling Stone magazine

* Man, he was a bada—!  Love Elvis, I remember the day he died, riding go-carts at my grandmothers house in west Monroe Louisiana 42 years ago.&quot;
**[[w:Tim McGraw|Tim McGraw]], on his instagram, on the occasion of  the 42nd anniversary of Elvis' death.

* Surely there has not been such a pelvis since Elvis Presley was in his prime.
** [[w:Hugh McIlvanney|Hugh McIlvanney]] Scottish award-winning sports writer, recalling Diego Maradona's prowess during the 1986 World Cup, which his team won, in an article published in the mail Online's edition of October 1, 2017.

* When Elvis died 40 years ago next Wednesday, it was like the death of John F. Kennedy 14 years earlier; both men had been such a part of American lives that—for those alive today who remember the events— where they were when they heard the news became almost as important as the news itself. In a way, it made each a part of the story. O  was never in the same room with JFK, but I was with the early Elvis. I spent one long Elvis afternoon, during which I watched him perform, then conversed with him and, finally, interacted with him as a part of a group. During much of it, I observed a sweet, unsophisticated young man at close hand. He was exactly what I had expected and yet not at all so.As a writer in the New York bureau of TV Guide magazine, I was invited to attend a press conference, before which I could talk with Elvis and observe him rehearse for his second appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show as well as receive his first polio shot. The afternoon rehearsal was in progress when I took my seat, but the theater was black and strangely silent. Suddenly—shockingly—the stage exploded into red light, dark music and that singular, riveting presence. I don’t even remember the song, though I think it was “Hound Dog.” What I do remember—vividly–is the power of this young performer, the charisma of the man—the mouth, alternatingly pouting, leering, grinning, the sensual modeling of the facial contours and the eyes—those erotic eyes with their kohl-like shadows, promising, threatening. And, of course, the notorious pelvic thrusts. After the rehearsal's end, I joined numerous members of the press to watch the administering of the polio shot, memorable primarily because at the time, and as he later confided to me, Elvis hasd a wholesome fear of needles. It was a scary experience for Elvis, but, as always, he managed a smile for the camera...
** Author Megan McKinney, recalling her [[w:TV Guide|TV Guide]] assignment on October 28, 1956. She was the only reporter present at the press conference to have personally interviewed him and as a result, been able to acknowledge the immense fear which totally overtook Elvis on that day but that,  at the moment of the inoculation, he totally kept to himself and as published in Chicago Classic Magazine on August 16, 2017, in an article entitled  My Afternoon with ElvisYoung, Sweet and Oh, So Polite

*  What made the young Elvis an agent provocateur? The leading lunatic theory is that he was a space alien. The more prevailing opinion is that he was a product of the magic medium of his place and time: radio. So let us now praise that great, subversive force in American culture. Radio helped Elvis develop his interest in and affection for the music of black culture. In that pre–rock ’n’ roll era, America was an apartheid nation and in much of the country, black and white didn’t mix.  They attended separate schools (with the approval of the U.S. Supreme Court) and they didn’t shop together, worship together or live in the same neighborhoods. Segregation was relatively easy to enforce. It was the law. Elvis was the visible embodiment of a  musical revolution. He was an interpretive, not a creative artist.  Many musical innovators experimented with blending musical styles, but they all lacked the charisma, the charm, the look…the everything that Elvis had and that he represented. He was a catalyst; his was the face that launched a thousand hips.
** [[w:William McKeen|William McKeen]], in an article entitled &quot;What We Talk About When We Talk About Elvis&quot;, as published on the History Net's 16 August 2007 edition. 

* I would kiss them both on the mouth.
** Artist Randall McKissick, known for a decade as the mystery tenant in South Carolina's so-called ‘nightmare’ house, taking about his two idols, Elvis Presley and James Brown in an article published on The State on 17 November 2017.

* For me, it all started with Elvis. I must've been six, maybe seven years old when I saw him on the Ed Sullivan show, wasn't supposed to be watching, raised as I was in a strict Catholic family, and Elvis the Pelvis was sin. But like most Catholic parents, they watched to see just how sinful Elvis was. He was shot from the waist up, I could see that from my hiding place behind the couch. But Elvis' music and energy ignited my first desire to rock 'n roll. My father was a professional magician with a love of movies, and that's where my childhood creative energies were directed. In fact, through my entire teen life my dream was to be a rock and roll rebel.
** Director[[w:Tom McLoughlin|Tom McLoughlin]], former lead singer of the garage band &quot;The Sloths&quot;, explaining what first turned into rock music, in an article published in BoeigBoeing's online page, on 17 March 2015

* Was that the guitar hick?
** [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]]'s frequent  phone interjections to Barbara Leigh, who had dated Elvis before he did, as told by Leigh to [[w:Marshall Terrill|Marshall Terrill]] in his book, &quot;The King, McQueen and the love machine&quot;

* For Presley's evening concert, only 37 of the 259 MPs showed up for the night session in the House of Commons. The rest had gone to see him perform. 
** [[w:Earl McRae|Earl McRae]]' explaining why the House of Commons had to cancel their nightly session, in an article for the  Ottawa Citizen entiled &quot;Best of Earl: Elvis' birthday&quot; and published on January  07, 2012 

*  I  decided if I was going to China, I was going to go to Shanghai, I just love that word.  What Madrid was for Hemingway and Paris was for Dorothy Parker, I want Shanghai to be my Paris. Next thing I know, I'm in China and the people there are so sweet and they'll do anything for you. At one school, in preparing the students who would be attending Columbia University and  due to my association with “The Catcher in the Rye,” I  assigned it as reading for students and said the idioms in the story would cause confusion. Another assignment to write about a famous person led to a humorous exchange with a student who asked me  to write about “Cat King, King of Cats.” Following some research together, I  finally learned who was being referenced. He was talking about Elvis Presley. In China they know him as the Cat King, King of Cats.”
** [[w:Tyson Meade|Tyson Meade]], in an article by Scott Rains entitled &quot;Tyson Meade's journey from Kittens to China to, finally, a home&quot; as published in the Lawton's  Constitution June 5, 2020 edition.

* i) Hanging out with the British Royal Family didn't faze me —I called them all by their first names. In fact the only time I ever got that way was when I met Elvis. He checked out the pre-movie stage version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, where I played the motorcycle-riding Eddie. I felt like, Oh my god, I can't believe where I am!So Elvis comes up to me and tells me &quot;Well, I hear everyone wants to do an Elvis impersonation [for Eddie] but you didn’t&quot;, so the one thing I managed to say to him was, 'No, because there's only one you and only one me...
** [[w:Meatloaf|Meatloaf]], on being impressed by anyone, as noted in ii) FMTV.ii) Fuse TV.

* I used to do Elvis at my shows at the Sands, in 1968, before he returned to the stage in 1969, so this guy tells me in a little piece of paper that &quot;He is here&quot;  , so when the lights were put on him, it took me about a half hour to  catch up with my audience. Later, he would walk in my shows, and the next day, there were lines to see me, because they thought Elvis could do it again, and he did, every night.
** [[w:Bill Medley|Bill Medley]],for nmuscistartshere

* I'm a very non-religious person. I think everybody has the right to believe in any religion they want. Whatever makes you happy is absolutely fantastic. That's a perfect question to say 'no comment' to, because I don't really wanna hear anybody else's opinion, and I don't think anybody should wanna hear my opinion, because it's very, very personal. And nobody knows anything anyway. So it's, like... If I had to choose a religion, it would be the Elvis Presley religion.
** [[w:Megadeth|Megadeth]]'s lead guitarist Marty Friedman, expressing his views on religion in an interview with the Impact Metal Channel and as published by Blabbermoputh on January 26, 2014.

* I was lucky enough to see Elvis Presley's opening concert at Madison Square Garden on June 9, 1972. Usually, you are not allowed to bring a camera to a concert. But the audience and the entire event were so wild that no one paid any attention to me. Over the years I watched the footage again and again. Then the Viennale called and I immediately thought of my Elvis material. The only problem was that I didn't know what kind of musical soundtrack to use. I tried everything and was close to giving up when I happened to hear a Viennese waltz on the radio. That was it! What could be better than Elvis and Strauss?
** [[w:Jonas Mekas|Jonas Mekas]], Lithuanian artist and filmmaker, on filming Elvis at Madison Square Garden with his Bolex 16&amp;nbsp;mm movie camera, as told at the Vienna International Film Festival on October 19, 2001.

* The Biden administration is also doing its vaccine push. The Pentagon is also reportedly looking at plans to mandate that all 1.3 million active- duty troops have vaccine mandates, that they be required to get the shot, just as they already do for actually more than a dozen other diseases and precautions.And the most famous draftee in American history, Elvis Presley, take a look at what we might learn from history. He bared his arm for a vaccine. That was part of helping reassure the public about that over 60 years ago.This is important stuff.We can keep learning together. We can do this togeher
** [[w:Ari Melber|Ari Melber]], as transcribed from his MSNBC's TV program &quot;The Beat with Ari Melber&quot; when discussing the US Army's mandates vis a vis the 2021 Covid 19 Pandemia, as shown on August 5, 2021

* He certainly was inspired by black music, but I don't get why people are going after Elvis. If you are going to take the stick out on him, you better take it out on the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, everybody. If you are going to villify Elvis then why don't you just tear down the whole United States?
** [[w:John Mellencamp|John Mellencamp]], discussing cultural appropriation in an article published by Salon on 19 May, 2018.

* It was one of just 254 built between 1955 and 1959. The original owner was the German race car driver Hans Stuck, who piloted it to win several hill-climb races in Germany, Austria and Switzerland in 1957. During his ownership, it also won an award at a well-known &quot;automotive beauty&quot; competition and was used in the feature film &quot;Hula-Hopp Conny.&quot; In 1959, Elvis bought it from a dealer in Frankfurt, then was  given a registration from the U.S. military, which changed every year, resulting in the car getting &quot;lost.&quot; After extensive research by both BMW Group Classic and American journalist Jackie Jouret,the car's history started to being verified. Presley had used the 507 between his home in Bad Nauheim to the U.S. Army Base in Friedberg, but when he returned to the US in 1960 he traded it at a Chrysler dealer in New York, which, in turn, sold it to radio moderator Tommy Charles. After outfitting the car with a Chevrolet engine, Charles launched a successful racing career with it, winning a major race in Daytona Beach before selling the car in 1963. The car eventually ended up with space engineer and car collector, Jack Castor. He drove it occasionally before storing it in a pumpkin warehouse with plans to restore it. Though he had collected numerous parts for the car's restoration, it was still in storage when he happened upon a magazine article by Jouret, about Elvis' lost BMW 507! Castor realized that the car he owned had the same chassis number Jouret had uncovered and the pair met at the warehouse to look at the car. Very quickly, Jouret became certain that this car was, indeed, the car owned by Elvis. After further investigation, the car's full history was traced and BMW Group Classic embarked on a 2-year project to restore the BMW 507 to its original condition, you sing many of the parts that Castor had gathered, as well as building a complete 3.2-liter V-8 engine from spare parts to the specifications of the original engine. Today, the 150 horsepower, all-aluminum engine sits under the bonnet of the Feather White BMW 507, and is the star of the Show at the BMW Museum in Munich.
** Tara Baukus Mello, for Cars Blog, published on 24 September 2016.

* He was drop dead handsome, a major flirt, and a naturally charming man who was a master of the sexual smile
** UK Critic [[w:George Melly|George Melly]] in his book Great Lovers (1981)

*  Not only [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]] looked  lovely in a red dress, but she sang &quot;Ain´t Misbehavin´&quot; and &quot;I´ve Got a Crush on You&quot; quite adequately at St. Jude Hospital benefit show  at Russwood Park last night. [[w:Danny Thomas|Danny Thomas]] master of ceremonies and Elvis Presley, got along well. Backstage it was &quot;Doll Face&quot; that Danny called Elvis, and Elvis called him &quot;Mr. Thomas.&quot; Danny went out to Presley´s 18-room manor and personally invited him to appear on the program when he was unable to obtain Presley´s top secret telephone number. The two big hits at the so called Shower of Stars Show were the then reigning Academy Award best actress winner  for 1956,  Susan Hayward and Elvis who  didn´t sing, but pleased the crowd with a nice talk.
** From the [[w:Memphis Press-Scimitar|Memphis Press-Scimitar]]'s June 29, 1957 edition, heralding Elvis participation in a Danny Thomas charity show which, thanks to Elvis, attracted 14,000 donors from TN, MS and AR  to Russwook Park Stadium on the night of June 28, 1957 in an article entitled &quot;Crowd Goes Wild When Elvis Steps Into Spotlight&quot; By December, sizeable contributions allowed Thomas to seriously undertake  the early steps  towards St Jude's eventual construction.

* Elvis Presley remembered a pledge to Memphis charities he made in 1961 after his discharge from the Army and has thus sent checks totaling $105,000 to charities in Memphis, Mississippi, California, Kansas and Nebraska. Thirty-nine charities received checks during ceremonies held at the auditorium of the publisher of both The Commercial Appeal and the Memphis Press-Scimitar. Elvis, who once received aid from The Commercial Appeal-American Legion Christmas Basket Fund, has never forgotten he once was hungry and needy.
** From the [[w:Memphis Press-Scimitar|Memphis Press-Scimitar]]'s edition of December 14, 1966. The above mentioned contribution is equivalent after adjustments made for inflation toUS$$783,530.23 in 2016 dollars.

* I would love to do an Elvis movie one day.  That would be amazing znd already got Elvis' iconic hairstyle.
** [[w:Shawn Mendes|Shawn Mendes]] Canadian singer and songwriter, in an interview with 95-106 Capital FM radio on October 21, 2018

* i) I'm going to be like him one day............ ii) I like to live life. I certainly work hard for it, and I want to have a good time. Don't deny me that. It might not come again and I want to enjoy myself a little. I liked to sing, I don't know, call it natural gift or whatever, you know, I'm not afraid to say it. It's just I like to sing and then I suddenly realized that I could actually write songs and then make my own music rather than before I would, you know, sort of copy Elvis Presley. iv) Why people like David Bowie and Elvis Presley have been so successful? Because they give their audiences champagne for breakfast? No, because they're what the people want.
** [[w:Freddy Mercury|Freddy Mercury]], i) telling his mother what he felt about his future, as he watched Elvis and as recounted by Mrs. Bursara herself, at age 94, for an article published by to Mid Day, on November 21, 2016 ...ii)http://m.imdb.com/name/nm0006198/quotes from Freddy Mercury

* As I left Princess Diana's funeral service, I was so suddenly struck by the extent of it all that I bottled up all the way home. I was so upset because I really did like Diana, having met with her numerous times. And I always had a laugh with her and really admired her. Most of all, I thought she was so great not to be consumed by everything that had happened to her and to keep giving and giving and giving. I thought she was a really great person – the Elvis of compassion-
** [[w:George Michael|George Michael]], in the second part of an interview with The Mirror's Tony Parsons, in an article published a few months after the death of the former Princess of Wales.

* He never understood the artistic claims that were made for him, probably thought very little of the nature of his appeal, or his music; yet, as author Greil Marcus points out in &quot;Mystery Train&quot;, it is possible to see (all that) as a positive factor; Presley viewed &quot;rock and roll&quot; as for the body, not the mind, so he recorded and performed accordingly; and, if much of his rock music sounds superficial, it was thanks to his undoubted vocal talent and extraordinary charisma that, at least, it was all gloriously superficial and celebratory; he knew better than to take it seriously and, in doing so, he became the consummate rock figure, one that defined its spirit by delighting in its very limitations.
** [[w:Richard Middleton (musicologist)|Richard Middleton]], in his book &quot;Popular Music, Volume I: Folk or Popular?

* I wrestled in Australia, Hong Kong, Japan, South Africa, North America and  Mexico. My name, it was like Elvis...
** [[w:Mario Milano|Mario Milano]], in a 2009 interview, as published in an article entitled &quot;Pro wrestling great Mario Milano - ‘Australia’s Elvis’ - dies at 81&quot; by the Post and Courier's edition of December 17, 2016.

* I was enchanted by the story my mother, an aspiring singer, told me of meeting Elvis in the early days of his career after witnessing him bring down the house at a live broadcast of &quot;Louisiana Hayride&quot;. According to her, Elvis was polite, courteous and unassuming, addressed her as &quot;ma'am,&quot; shook her hand and thanked her for enjoying the show. I am elated as his now regained role as an unparalleled musician and cultural innovator.
**  Ben Miles, in a letter to the Editor of the {{w|Los Angeles Times}} published on 18 April, 2018 in connection with the newspaper's very positive review of the HBO documentary Elvis Presley: The Searcher.

* But it was on the gospel numbers, such as the stunning &quot;How great thou art&quot;, (1977) that Presley showed the awesome power of his voice. The fact that he has one of the greatest voices in popular music has been obscured by the mystique that has surrounded him.
** Steve Millburgh, writing for the &quot;Omaha World Herald&quot;, on one of Presley`s last concerts, on 19 June 1977.

* After about an hour a few of the guys walked out of the huge  room and the others kept talking to me. And I'm assuming now when I think back that the ones that left  went to Elvis and probably told him that I was OK. So as I was talking to the other guys, literally without turning my head or looking to any side, that was when I felt this huge, huge presence. It's completely unexplainable and I felt this energy and I turned to my right and I looked and there standing in the doorway was Elvis Presley. And he was not the Elvis that you would imagine. He had on a simple blue sweatsuit with white stripes down the side of the arms and a little white tennis hat on.  He just looked like a guy that was lounging in his house, relaxing with his buddies. And that's the Elvis that I met, no jeans, no T-shirt, no sweater, not one of his big blouse shirts or anything like that- just very normal. I stayed that night until 7 o'clock the next morning. He put on a karate exhibit for me with Sonny and Red West and he had the guys call The Bodhi Tree -and they got me all the spiritual books and brought them over in the middle of the night from the store because he realized I was very spiritual and that we would have that in common.
** Mindi  Miller, actress and stuntwoman, recalling the moment she finally met Elvis at his  Monovale Drive home, in Bel-Air, CA, in early 1975, as told to EIN's online page  on 12 April, 2017.

* My dad was riding down Sunset Boulevard on his motorcycle when suddenly, a limo pulled up next to him. The driver rolls down his window and says, 'Sir, I have Elvis Presley in the car and he'd like to meet you. After they  had spent some time together, dad  began to exit the limo when Presley stopped him with a surprise request: his autograph!!!
**[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]]'s son Dean, as told in a Children of Song podcast, on 28 January, 2018

* Our culture includes Elvis Presley, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Johnny Cash, Jackie Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Douglas Macarthur, Milton Friedman, Edgar Allen Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Edison and again, for emphasis, Elvis Presley.....
** [[w:Stephen Miller (political operative)|Stephen Miller]], at a political rally on May 25, 2016 at Anaheim, CA, on the subject of how best to define and defend American culture.

*In the eleventh grade Elvis and I were in Miss Thompson's Civics class. He was a class clown and in the middle of our mid-term exams with everyone concentrating on the test, he called from the back of the room in a loud voice “Miss Thompson, Miss Thompson,” “What Elvis?” she answered. Then he asked “Why did the chicken cross the road?” The whole class broke up laughing except, of course, Miss Thompson. She quickly replied “See me after class, Elvis&quot;
** Robert Wayne Millican, who net Elvis in 1948 as a freshman at Humes.

* My sister could sing opera if she wanted, and we used to sing duets together like the Ponselle Sisters, and I also enjoy classic Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Judy Garland. Of today's voices, Madonna, Mary J. Blige -- people who know how to communicate--. And I love Elvis Presley. Quite a nice mix!&quot;.
** Top US soprano [[w:Aprile Millo|Aprile Millo]], when asked by the Playbill staff to name her favourite female and male non-classical singers, as published in Playbill, on 17 November, 2009.

* But she got her own back because when she got a little bit older, she dated Elvis Presley, who I was madly in love with, of course, as was everybody at the time. So I think that kind of compensated for it being the &quot;back of a head&quot;  in the film.
** [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]], discussing her time with [[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|Susan Henning]] who was 14 years old, as she was, and her body double in Disney's 1961 blockbuster &quot;The Parent Trap&quot;, as noted in an article published in the August 27, 2021 edition of the Showbiz Cheat Sheet.

* Rock and roll is that center place between country and blues and R&amp;B and gospel. When I think of rock and roll, the first person I think of is Elvis Presley. And yeah, he did ‘Jailhouse Rock,’ but he also did those crazy tender ballads. To me, that's still rock and roll.”
** [[w:Parker Millsap|Parker Millsap]], singer-songwriter in an article entitled &quot;When the spirit moves Parker Millsap, anything can happen&quot;, as  published on the Boston Globe on  May 18, 2018

* And he came from East Tupelo, jumping at all of us, a carnal, metallic hero shamelessly imitated, a glorious founder. Even today it seems like I remember everything about him, especially how he defined the myth and monument of the culture of contemporary expressionism. He invented everything and led a ship which we could all board, and led many to sing everything when all we would have done without him is sing boleros. He was rock and roll, is today and shall always be tomorrow. God bless Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Mina|Mina]], legendary Italian singer as inscribed in Presley's italian Fan Club online page.

* Elvis loved karate and his moves on stage, in the 70s, were karate inspired. One day in 1971 he went to see my show, then invited me to go see his at the International, so on the way there, at the elevator, I found myself in the company of Alice Cooper, Chubby Checker and the most popular porn star at that time, Linda Lovelace, all of whom were also invited by Elvis. So there we were in the biggest suite in Las Vegas, waiting for him to greet us when he finally came out, but dressed in a karate gi. He did a couple of moves until, out of nowhere, another man jumped in front of us, like the butler in the Pink Panther movie who comes our of the closet and attacks his master and I said.. Gee, that's great!!!
** [[w:Liza Minelli|Liza Minelli]], telling Graham Norton how and when and with whom she met Elvis.

* At his big New Year's Eve party, I got to sit and talk with him and it was just great. He was the voice of my generation and I had a million questions to ask him, but all he wanted was to talk about that session of 'Kentucky Rain,'. &quot;More thunder on the piano, Milsap,' he had said when we recorded it. I then asked him if he would like to get up and sing and added that we knew all his songs. 'No, I want to sit here with my friends and not have to worry about singing&quot;. He knew we did know how to play his songs, and all, but he didn't want to get up and sing and that was fine with me. It was his party.
** [[w:Ronnie Mislap|Ronnie Mislap]] C&amp;W musician, blind since birth, who played píano on Presley's &quot;Kentucky Rain&quot;, as told to Rolling Stone Country, and published on www.theboot.com on December 8, 2014.

* Lesson #1 is that rock music is in the fighting spirit, not in the amperage of the guitars; indeed, some of the toughest rocking has come from all, or mostly acoustic bands; Elvis presented a primer lesson from the famous Sun sessions, with a simple blues song through the most famous faux false start in rock history; he and the boys start out all slow and bluesy, before stopping the band cold and calling it out like the hippest beat poet: 'Hold it fellas. That don't... move me. Let's get real, real gone for a change'. Then they did, let it loose, turned every bit of intensity in their beings into a jumping arrangement, much faster and more rhythmically nuanced a performance than the opening. Much of the intensity is in the fast and furious, but precisely laid out detail work; there is a strong sense of spontaneity and discovery, but what ultimately makes this a hall-of-fame performance is the vocal performance; Elvis doing tricks, making sudden octave wide jumps. &quot;If you see my milkcow...&quot; There is a charismatic determination of spirit that Nietzsche would no doubt have recognized as the will to power; when the King got through with it, it was no longer anything to do with a high calcium drink, but about the singer's assertion of his place in the universe.
** Review of &quot;Milkcow Blues&quot; (1954), Elvis third single for the Sun Records Label, by MoreThings.com

* My parents brought home Elvis Presley's &quot;Hound Dog&quot; and I would sit there, on my stomach, with my face right at this little record player, playing that song over and over and over. I didn't know what Elvis looked like, what any of this was about, all I knew was there was some kind of groove and energy coming off it. That is when I lost interest in playing Kick the Can or Red Rover with the neighbourhood kids and  with a gift of his first guitar, I became a bit of a withdrawn kid who loved being at home strumming my  guitar.”
** Canadian rocker [[w:Kim Mitchell|Kim Mitchell]], as published in the Intelligencer, on November 4, 2017.

* Actually my dad saw Elvis before he was well known. In mid November of 1954, he and mom  were down in New Orleans staying with Frank and Isabell Monteleone, who owned the Monteleone Hotel in the French Quarter in New Orleans. On the weekend, they went to their place in Pass Christian, Mississippi. The Monteleones said, “There’s a little club about a half hour from here. They’ve got this singer there, and we ought to go up and see him.” Then, after seeing him and when my dad was preparing his original written story of &quot;Thunder Road&quot;, he wanted Elvis to play his younger brother Robin Doolin. In 1957, my parents as usual had a Christmas party, and they invited Elvis to discuss the matter. My mom served us some delicious roast beef and I remember at the end of the party and after everybody had left, my dad and Elvis were at the piano taking turns playing and singing songs. My dad loved jazz and knew a lot of Southern jazz songs. Dad would be like, “Do you know this one?” I sat there half the night listening to them. At 13 years old, I knew who Elvis Presley was. It was something. Elvis wanted to play  the part, but his manager Colonel Parker claimed that Elvis had too many obligations to fulfill and too many film contracts already pending to take on my dad's project. But I think the real problem was that Parker was unhappy that someone had gotten straight to Elvis without going through him...
**  [[w:Christopher Mitchum|Chris Mitchum]], in an interview with Medium Corporation dealing with his father, actor and producer [[w:Robert Mitchum|Robert Mitchum]]'s wishes to give Elvis the role of his younger brother in the 1958 classic &quot;Thunder Road&quot;

* I never saw him off the set, but twice, and yet I considered him one of the best friends. A real southern gentleman he was. One of the nicest persons I have ever met in my entire life.
** [[w: Mary Ann Mobley|Mary Ann Mobley]], who co-starred with Elvis in two films,  in an interview with Joan Rivers, in 1992

*  Elvis had an open time period, and I think Colonel Parker remembered all the fan mail that kids wrote from Hawaii.  So to fill that one date that they needed, they decided to come, and that's why he came to in November of 1957
** [[w:KHON-TV|Tom Moffatt]], Hawaii's  foremost concert promoter, recalling the root of Elvis' first performance there, which took  place 17 months before it became the 50th state.

*  I never met him until I was in a rehearsal, in 1969, and he just walked up one time – I'd worked with him with the Sweets for 6 months I think – and he said, &quot;Hey Stump – how you doin?&quot; and shook my hand. I was shocked, because I didn't know that the man knew my name &amp; stuff. You know, [[w:Rick Nelson|Rick Nelson]] was really  good looking but he couldn't touch EP. I mean that man Elvis was something else! When I first saw him – I'm not gay at all – I thought man – this man is really cool neat cat,  man! Anyways, i was with him in August of 1974 when he, Jerry and Red painted a female figure drawn into a mural  located in the west wall of the Showroom Internationale, as if she was black. They waited until 3 am, got some ladders and  black paint, and Elvis did the painting.
** [[w:The Sweet Inspirations|Jerome Stump Monroe]], R&amp;B drummer for the Sweet Inspirations, as told to Richard Crofts and Arjan Deelen in an interview for YouTube, dated  31 May 2018.

* He's all for love and who else can give you this? Elvis Presley for President!
** [[w:Lou Monte|Lou Monte]]'s words heard in RCA's &quot;Elvis Presley For President&quot; single from the summer of 1956. In that year's otherwise inconsequential Presidential election, no less than 5000 people, by write-in, voted Elvis...

* Frankly speaking, I don't know much about rock and roll music and I enjoyed some when I was in high school and college. But I stopped listening after Elvis Presley...
** [[w:Ban Ki-moon|Ban Ki-moon]], eight Secretary General of the United Nations, a national of South Korea, as noted in brainy quote/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley.html

* To me Elvis Presley's best records came after he got out of the Army. I mean, just his delivery. “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” and “Surrender” and “Little Sister,” “His Latest Flame,” “She’s Not You,” even some of the early movie songs like “Follow That Dream” and “King Of The Whole Wide World” that I list among my all-time favorites. But, rock ‘n’ roll purists think that after 1957 there isn't anything any good. I think this is so far off base it's laughable.
** [[w:Craig Moore|Craig Moore]], in an interview with singer Bobby Vee as published by Goldmine on  May 14, 2009

* Elvis gave us a second career'.In his beginnings, he told us he had always enjoyed singing `Precious Lord Take My Hand.&quot; That was  one of his favorite songs
** Bluesman, the Reverend Bishop Dwight Arnold [[w:Gatemouth Moore|Gatemouth Moore]], speaking about the impact of the early Elvis Presley on African American musicians, as quoted by Robert Gordon, for Elsewhere, on November 7, 2007.

* It hosted presidents and one king — Elvis Presley in 1955,”.
** George Moore, the Mobile Alabama [[w:Battle House Hotel|Battle House Hotel]]'s historian, referring to celebrities which stayed there, including Elvis, who did so after a concert at Ladd Stadium, in an article by Marci DeWolf, entitled &quot;Mardi Gras in Mobile a family affair&quot;, and published in January 29, 2018.

* He was pioneer of doing a little bit iof everything, a triple threat,  so yes I am following on his footsteps.
** [[w:Mandy Moore|MandyMoore]], in an interview

* I thought anyone who had been the center of all that insanity for so long would have some of it rub off on him. But, after working in &quot;Change of Habit&quot; with him, I realized I'd never worked with a more gentlemanly, kinder man. He was gorgeous.
** [[w:Mary Tyler Moore|Mary Tyler Moore]], as noted by instarsmeetstars

* Dot continued to travel between Britain and America when I was out there, in between her tours and engagements. In Los Angeles, she once appeared at the 'Moulin Rouge' club in Hollywood, one of her biggest fans being a young Elvis Presley, who attended most of her performances and repeatedly asked her to sing 'This Is My Mother's Day!' He came backstage and, being very nervous, introduced himself to me – as though I didn't know who he was.'Hello, I'm Roger,' I said.'How are you, sir?' he asked.'Lovely to meet you, sir.' He insisted on calling me 'sir' throughout our chat, and acted as though he was in awe of me. Him! In awe of me! Elvis then told Dot how much he admired her and hoped he might have just a little of the success she had achieved. If only he knew. If only I knew!
** [[w:Roger Moore|Roger Moore]], recounting the time he and his first wife, entertainer Dorothy (Dot) Squires met Elvis (page 135 of his autobiography)

* Sam Phillips used what we call 'slapback' or 'tape delay', which lent an otherworldly patina to Presley's voice. And I don't know if Sam was really conscious of it at the time, but if you listen to old pop and country records back then, the voice was always so much farther out from the music; Sam kept Elvis' voice close to the music, so, in essence, Elvis' voice became another instrument.
** [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]], Elvis Presley's lead guitarist from 1954 until 1968, as published in The &quot;Virginia Pilot&quot;, in an article entitled &quot;The rising of Sun Records cast music in new light&quot;, as written by Sue Smallwood, and published on December 15, 1994

* i)  My delight in dating Elvis hinged entirely on one fact. I knew that no one could possibly make Marlon Brando more jealous. I wanted to get even, Brando had done me wrong, so I went from one kind of king to another. I dated Elvis, who was absolutely gorgeous and had a perfect kind of face, but he was not interesting to me.  When Brando saw a photo of us two, in the papers, he was furious, he threw chairs, It was wonderful. ii) When he took the polio vaccine, he was wonderful, a fabulous and important advocacy which should continue to work with today's celebrities vis a vis teh COVID 19 pandemia.
** [[w:Rita Moreno|Rita Moreno]] i) in her Memoirs ii) interview with Dr. Jon LaPook CBS this morning July 20, 2021  Note: Not a single photo of Elvis and Rita has ever been found, which points to her having told Brando about her affair with Elvis, which had indeed taken 2 years before, as if it was happening then and to make matters worse, on the day  Brando told her he had just met Presley at the Paramount Commissary, and had found him very congenial....

* Elvis, yes! Elvis was my man. You know, I used to go up and view his shows.
** [[w:Derrick Morgan|Derrick Morgan]], known as the precursor to Bob Marley, the first big reggae star in early 1960s in an interview reaggeavibes

* I never met a more polite kid in my life.
** Actor [[w:Harry Morgan|Harry Morgan]], who co-starred with Elvis, who was 31 years old,in United Artists' Frankie and Johnny&quot;, in an interview with EMMYTVLEGENDS

* Just pretend everyone in the audience is sitting there in their underwear.
** Advice given to Elvis by  Bobby Morris, the then brand new orchestra conductor of the Showroom Internationale at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, on the night of July 31, 1969, as Elvis became a little trepidatious minutes before the start of his first show in 9 years. As told by his son Daryl Morris in an interview with the Las Vegas  Review Journal published on May 5, 2018. Morris would remain his conductor for the next engagement only, replaced as he was in the summer of 1970 by Joe Guercio &amp; his orchestra.

* It probably will require a hurricane to de-contaminate this area properly after hix appearance here. I know hundreds, and there must be thousands, who deplore the type of music that is being fed to the younger elements of our community. Let us hope that those who feel as  do will make themselves heard so that something may be done to curb the mouthings of that avaricious maniac.
**̇ W.A. Morris, commentimg  on Elvis' performance at [[w:The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina|The Citadel]] 's College Park, in Charleston, SC, on June 28, 1956 in a letter to the Editor of The News and Courier published on July 3, 1956.

* He is the best ever, the most original, started the ball rolling for us and deserves the recognition.
** [[w:Jim Morrison|Jim Morrison]], in 1970, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

*  As a musician,  I was inspired by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Beethoven and Chopin and so  I will always be the same Michele, but with different moods. We are going to have a lot of rough and strong things but a lot of emotion, too. As far as the lyrics are concerned, it will be more mature.
** [[w:Michele Morrone|Michele Morrone]], italian actor and singer  in an article entitled &quot;Racism should be dealt with seriously&quot;, as published in the hindustantimes' August 2, 2020 edition,

* We have a mutual friend who uses the phrase &quot;That’s skinny Elvis&quot;, all day long when describing something cool
** Sam Morrow, telling  Rolling Stone how his duet with Jaime Wyatt on the  song &quot;Skinny Elvis&quot; came about, as published on March 26,2018.

* They did a survey not too long ago about how many people believe Elvis is really dead. And if I remember correctly, it was around 20 percent thought it was some government plot, that Elvis was still alive somewhere, and the government was served well by promoting the idea that he died when he was still alive. And I like Elvis. But I’m pretty sure he’s dead
** [[w:Mike Moser (politician)|Mike Moser]], a Nebraska Senator who got COVID-19 before vaccines were available, explaining to the Legislature how sometimes polls are not to be given much credibility, as noted in an article entitled &quot;Vaccine Exemption Bill Advances; Income Tax Debate Starts&quot;, and which was in Nebraska's Public Media's February 16, 2022 edition 

* The 2019  arrival of a new BMW 3 Series as an event that resets the parameters of the executive car class, because every time a new one  comes along, it usually succeeds in smashing its key rivals and becoming the car to beat. It is as momentous in the motoring world as the Apollo moon landings or the death of Elvis.
** Darren Moss, reviewing the new BMW Series 3, as published in [[w:What Car?|What Car?]]' May 23 2109 edition.

* Representing Elvis is something only dreams are made of...
** Super model [[w:Kate Moss|Kate Moss]], speaking about her appearing in a video filmed at the Abbey Road Studios in London, in connection with the re-release of the song &quot;The Wonder of you&quot;, which had topped the UK singles charts for 6 weeks in 1970, and again hit the Top Five, at #4, in 2007, as reported by the Sun on 29 November 2016.

* I have to say I had some very good scenes with him in &quot;Loving you&quot;, but I found myself going to every shot, every scene in which he sang because I was completely taken by listening to him sing. I could not believe the charisma. Incidentally, my uncle was the opera star Mario Lanza (married to my dad´s sister Betty) and I knew what it was like to encounter not just an actor or a singer, but somebody that you knew was going to be a legend. Mario was going to be the next Caruso and Elvis, I thought, ´he is in that class´. This man is going to live forever because that voice is not just for us, but for the people of God.
** Rev. Mother Dolores, formerly actress Dolores Hart, speaking about Presley´s voice, in an interview to Sirius Radio, in Memphis, TN, on the 36th anniversary of Presley´s death (August 16, 2013).

* I've been an Elvis fan all my life. It started in 1957, but regrettably, I never met him.
** [[w:Nana Mouskouri|Nana Mouskouri]], Greece's leading  music star,  in an interview with Telescoup, as published on their online page on September 30, 2018.

* I don't admire nobody, but Elvis Presley was the sweetest, most humble and nicest man you'd want to know. Singing ability, he a had everything and he was pretty, I know. And when it comes to boxing nobody has the class, the style, the wit, the speed and beauty of Ali. When it comes to singing nobody had everything like Elvis. And the last thing, he did lot for poor people, he cared for people, he had a good heart, he just wasn't a person who was great with talent but great in spirit and with God in his heart, and this is great too. I realise how good I am in my profession, I don't praise nobody if he don't deserve it, cos I am the greatest of all time in boxing, in boxing. I said boxing! I'm telling you, not just you all, the Elvis fans, so naturally you praise Elvis, he's of European race as you are, but I'm black, I'm a Islamic, I'm 100% different from you. And I tell the world Elvis was the greatest of all time. I'm a Muslim who's black who stands up for what he believes. I don't have to say what I don't feel, I'm not false I don't have to say this. I'm free. He to me is one of the greatest singers, actors and all round men of all time. With all the brothers together, none are better than Elvis Presley
** [[w:Muhammad Ali|Muhammad Ali]], as published in numerous magazines and biographies, including Saladin Ahmens's online page, as well as from a speech in Memphis, TN, honouring Elvis life on the 8th anniversary of his passing (August 16th 1985, https://www.youtube.com/watch?

*  A day for people to reflect about the things that were most important to my father, like self-love and self-respecy.  My father loved children,  so in some way, developing around them through the school curriculum. I think the &quot;Ali Center&quot;  is just terrific to always mention and something called &quot;ighters Heaven in Deer Lake&quot;, Pennsylvania, where my father trained for all of his big fights, and where he lived in between his fights. The Beatles photograph, the famous Michael Jackson photograph, the Elvis Presley photographs were all taken there. It’s been totally reconditioned into its original state; so along with preserving my father’s legacy through Muhammad Ali Day, I know from my own family how important it is to create these centers to connect with the community to house all the core values of my father and what was important to him.
** Khaliah Ali, [[w:Muhammad Ali|Muhammad Ali]]'s   fifth daughter, on how she would want &quot;Ali Day&quot;   to be celebrated and his legacy to live on,  as noted in an interview published in the Chicago Tribune's January 17, 2022 edition 

* The board meets every Wednesday at the old courthouse in Inverness. Last week I walked into the old courthouse and there was a portrait of Elvis Presley on the wall, greeting me. “Good morning,” I said to Elvis as I entered the building.I did a double take because he appeared to wink at me. Later in the meeting we had a visit from Paul Perregaux, a Citrus Hills resident who has qualified to run for the Citrus County Community Charitable Foundation board, the nonprofit organization that will decide how the proceeds from the lease of Citrus Memorial Hospital will be used. I asked Paul to give us some background on his life experience so we could let residents know why he was running for the office. The longtime banker pointed out that he had an Army career before he worked for the financial industry in New England and noted he was once assigned a driver by the name of Elvis Presley. And yes, it was that Elvis Presley. “He was a very nice young man” said Paul.Later that same day, back at the Chronicle office in Meadowcrest, we had a very extraordinary visit from April Royal, the widow of Phil Royal I sat for a few minutes with April and as we sat there talking, April Royal explained to me that her recently deceased friend Dorothy Jean's absolute favorite musician was Elvis Presley. Her residence at the Key Center was adorned with photos and paintings of Elvis.In July of this year, April and Phil attended the Key Center's annual auction. Phil had been on the Key Center board for 20 years and had a special relationship with Dorothy Jean Cole.At the July charity event, what comes up for auction but a large velvet portrait of Elvis Presley? According to April, Phil took one look at Elvis and said he needed to purchase the velvet masterpiece for Dorothy Jean. “I don’t care what it costs,” Phil told April. “We need to buy Elvis.” The Royals were the top bidders. Phil wanted to wait until after the Run for the Money to give the present to Dorothy, but fate got in the way. Phil died during the run at a very young 47 years old. His family and our entire community have been rocked by the tragedy. April Royal has been an incredibly strong woman during the aftermath of the tragic events. Just last week she saw the Elvis portrait at her home and decided she had to go visit Dorothy Jean. So she loaded Brelyn and Elvis into the car and went to the Key.She presented the Elvis portrait to Dorothy as a last gift from Phil. Dorothy was delighted to spend time holding Brelyn and she had a big smile on her face.And now, just a few days after that visit, Dorothy Jean Cole has passed away.The irony was almost too much to comprehend.In a very strange way, the velvet King helped me better understand what courage looks like.
**[[w:Gerry Mulligan|Gerry Mulligan]]. Publisher of the Citrus County Chronicle, published on October 1, 2016 at 11:45 pm

* I used to babysit for a Sergeant Phelps at the US airbase and was at work one day when he turned up at my house and told my mum that Elvis would be at the airbase that night and I should go if I wanted to see him.  My mum ran to a phone box to call me at work. I couldn't believe it – I loved Elvis, I had all his records. I changed into my American jeans, lumberjacket, bobby socks and blue suede shoes and cycled the three miles to the airport base. I dropped in at my friend Muriel's and she said she would come too but I couldn't manage to give her a ‘backie’ so we skipped and ran all the way. When we got to the base there was a small group of people already there, standing at the barrier in front of two huge Cadillac cars. Muriel and I were right at the barrier, were so excited and suddenly the plane was in front of us. The door opened and there was Elvis. He was so handsome in his uniform. He waved and we started screaming. He shouted: ‘Where am I?’ and people shouted back: ‘Prestwick’. Elvis came down the stairs and looked fantastic with that beautiful smile. We could nearly touch him. Then Muriel did an amazing thing. She jumped over the barrier and threw herself on him – a couple of huge military policemen scraped her off and put her back over the barrier. The next thing we knew, he was away. We went to the cafe where the young folk hung out and told people we had seen Elvis. They were all laughing at us but the papers the next day proved it.”
**[[w:Ann Murphy|Ann Murphy]], on the night she and her friend saw Elvis on his only hour in Scotland, March 3, 1960, travelling as he was en route to New York, on the day of his final discharge from the US Army, as published on the Scotsman, on 3 March 2006.

* That’s my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you’d see pictures all over of Elvis. He’s just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it’s because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the f***ing room. I don’t give a f*** who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.”
** [[w: Eddie Murphy| Eddie Murphy]], as published in www.graceland.com

* In fact, the overwhelming influx of white rappers has become so pervasive that hip-hop queen Nicki Minaj offered a tongue-in-cheek Instagram observation on the trend: “It’s a great time to be a white rapper in America huh?” Nicki also came with receipts — a screenshot of the iTunes Top 10 Rap/Hip-Hop songs displaying six slots filled with Caucasian spitters: the aforementioned Malone and G-Eazy as well as NF, Macklemore, Machine Gun Kelly and a certain gifted-yet-weary rhyme legend (Eminem), who is most responsible for flipping hip-hop's racial course as Elvis Presley once did with the Black musical art form known as rock and roll.
** Keith Murphy, as published on the BET network online page on December 19,2017 in an article entitled &quot;Now Is A Good Time To Be A White Rapper for everyone except Eminem&quot;. The statement is reminiscent of Chuck D's reconsidered opinion on Elvis when in an interview with ABC-TV, in 2002, he stated: &quot;As a musicologist — and I consider myself one — there was always a great deal of respect for Elvis, especially during his Sun sessions. As a black people, we all knew that. In fact, Eminem is the new Elvis because, number one, he had the respect for black music that Elvis had&quot;

* I named this huge dinosaur   Elvis inter'alia, because of its uniqueness and Pristine Pelvis.
** Nate  Murphy, the Curator of Paleontology at the Phillips County Museum in Malta Montana, on the reason he named the 32-foot Brachylophosaurusn, Elvis,  as noted  in  the June 27, 2005 issue of Newsweek

* But things began to change in late October 1957, thanks to Elvis announcing the impending arrival of “a rock ’n’ roll Christmas.” The setting was a San Francisco press conference and the reference pertained to the imminent release of Elvis’ Christmas Album. Unsurprisingly, the media took the bait, waxing indignantly about the desecration of Christmas music. Even Time magazine got into the act. At the height of its influence, the magazine did one of its trademark putdowns, warning of the “most serious menace to Christmas since I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
** Pat Murphy, for [[w:Black Press|Troy Media]],  in an article dated December 19, 2018 and entitled &quot;The first rock ’n’ roll Christmas&quot;, his reference to TIME dovetaling  nicely (LOL)  with the not so well known fact that TIME, in part thanks to the Luce Family,  remains to this day the only major US based  magazine to have never had Elvis Presley grace its cover.

* It's now or never, as Elvis Presley used to say.
** NJ's Governor [[w:Phil Murphy|Phil Murphy]]'s  answer to a question by a reporter on when should  the vote be held for the legalization of marijuana, as published by CBS Philly's March 21, 2019 online edition.

* I was the twenty-seventh person on standby, on the last flight out of New York City to Memphis the night before the funeral. Miraculously, I got to Memphis and took a cab to Graceland- They'd stopped letting people into the house at that point but everybody was trying to get a photograph of Elvis in the casket, and there was a $50,000 bounty on it.. But the actual funeral was a spectacular thing. I still have incredibly powerful impressions of it, to drive the route and see all the hundreds of thousands of people waiting for him to roll by. It was incredible—very powerful and was about 90 degrees. Waiting in the shade, and all the signs said  &quot;God bless you, Elvis. When the hearse rolled out on the street, and it reached the speed it was going to go at, I burst into tears. It was like the long, slow walk And it was just so poignant, then all the helicopters converged on the cemetery, overhead, and there was a riot at the other gate, you know, at the back gate—people were trying to storm into the cemetery. The hearse was arriving, and I started racing, running from where we were. We  started running towards where I thought the riot was coming from. On the way I encountered the hearse being led by 24 motorcycle cops. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen, because these cops they were guarding Elvis. And all of the sudden there was one man standing in the cemetery right where they were passing by, and there was not supposed to be anybody there. There's one guy, and it's me. And this cop gave me a look that said, &quot;If you move, I will shoot you right through the heart.&quot; I mean, I just froze—you know, like when your hair stands on end. Anyway, as they tried to carry it up the steps, they almost dropped it—it fell like sideways. But then there was a very strange moment when Priscilla actually left. Because you could feel Elvis. You could absolutely feel his presence everywhere. And when she left, it was almost like you could feel his real love went with her, as she rode out of the cemetery. It's was an amazing feeling. I'll never forget it. Well, you gotta have role models. He was an extraordinary guy.
** Comedian and actor [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]' full interview on his attending Elvis' funeral, published on August 9, 2004 at Permalink

* Some people adore goats, some people believe the earth is flat, some even believe Elvis Presley is still alive. Simon Busuttil can believe whatever he wants but when the rest of the country hears these things, they laugh.
** [[w:Joseph Muscat|Joseph Muscat]], Prime Minister of Malta, addressing a political gathering in Gozo, as reported by the Times of Malta on October 14, 2018.

* Just above the lobby, the “Impact of the Bible” floor highlights how Scriptures have influenced cultures across the globe — from education and literature and art and architecture to a King James Bible owned by Elvis Presley which is just steps away from mannequins adorned with dresses by fashion designers such as Dolce and Gabbana, who have featured icons of the Virgin Mary in their brand.
** Adelle M. Banks, reviewing the [[w:Museum of the Bible|Museum of the Bible]], which opened in Washington DC in late 2017, as published in the Deseret News on November 13, 2017

* In 1959 (during his time in the Army), he came under the weather and military doctors diagnosed tonsillitis and suggested that the vocalist, then the biggest performer in the universe, have his tonsils removed. Presley, already more trustworthy than most modern performers in his pleasant acceptance of military duty, agreed. The problem was that no doctor nearby wanted to risk operating on the star, fearing that malpractice would leave him without his golden voice and either a [[lawsuit]] or an an angry fan could ruin any medical career and/or life. They gave him penicillin instead and fortunately everything worked out.
** Published on the December 1, 2014 online edition of &quot;Music Times&quot;, in an article aptly entitled &quot;Tonsillitis and musicians, it aint no joke&quot;

* Love me tender. love me true....
**[[w:Elon Musk|Elon Musk]], channelling Elvis with a  ‘Love Me Tender’ tweet, baffling investors amid his Twitter row, in an article published by the South China Morning Post's April 19, 2022 edition. 

* Few people in my village have the slightest clue about life in America. To them we might as well be the center of the universe. I'm one of few lucky or unlucky ones (depending on how you look at it) who happened to, miraculously, have had the opportunity to live in both worlds. It goes without saying that I can also speak with confidence that my level of confusion is unparalleled. Once, I had confused Elvis Presley for Yuri Gagarin. In fact, there are people in Kokoland who still believe so. What difference will that make, anyway, when folks still believe that the Earth is flat?
** Gony Mustafa, in his Book 20118 &quot;iVillager&quot;, sharing his purposeful journey from a mythical Kokoland, actually a village in [[w:Western Sudan|Western Sudan]], to America and his discovery of enlightenment about the world

== N ==
* The Postal Service is being wasteful in spending nearly US$300,000 to promote its Elvis Presley stamp. To break even, they would have to sell more than one million stamps to collectors who do not then use them.
** [[w:Ralph Nader|Ralph Nader]], a few months before the USPS's announcement that it had netted US$36 million in profits, its highest ever, as a result of some 124 million stamps being purchased and kept by collectors, more than a third of those 500 million originally issued and sold.

* The first time he was booked at the International, in July of 1969, some of us had our doubts. I mean, we opened July Fourth with Barbra Streisand, who'd just won an Oscar, had three pictures going. She was one of the hottest entertainment properties in the world. We knew we had something. Elvis [who was the second performer at the new hotel] was an unknown stage property who hadn't appeared live anywhere in eight years. We knew he'd be something of a draw, but my God! Elvis was a blockbuster, turning out to be an even bigger draw in subsequent runs at the International. I'm not sure how this figure was verified, but it has been reported the Maitre d' and head waiters split $10,000 in tips per night when he performed the following February.
** [[w:Nick Naff|Nick Naff]], executive at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, for elvisdblñog.

*  When a polio vaccine became available in the United States in the 1950s, the March of Dimes, an organization that had been affiliated with President Franklin D. Roosevelt, made a major advertising push, with posters featuring young children who were most at risk of being infected. To boost public interest in the vaccine, Elvis Presley got vaccinated backstage at “The Ed Sullivan Show and it was seen as a patriotic thing,
** René Najera, editor of the &quot;History of Vaccines&quot; at the [[w:College of Physicians of Philadelphia|College of Physicians of Philadelphia]], as publsihed in the New York Times' May, 16 2021 edition.

* My biggest musical influences are Elvis Presley and Led Zeppelin
** Musician [[w:Anna Nalick|Anna Nalick]], as published by SomethingElse, on 23 November, 2017.

* Basically, I tried to mimic my big brothers in a sense. It was the days of peg pants, like today. Usually, when you inherit clothes from your bigger brother, the pants were longer anyway, so there was plenty of room to roll them up. So, yeah, I mimicked Elvis Presley, with his collar up and his slicked-back hair. He was cool, so we dressed as kids similar to what our big brothers did and the stars that we had seen. And I started (dressing) as Elvis (did) because, of course, he was special. My dad was with me one time in Vegas and we were allowed to go backstage where I introduced Elvis to my father. He took my dad and sat down on the couch and they sat there for about 30 minutes just talking and that. Boy, I tell you what, that was something. I'm standing there and Elvis is spending time with my dad. That day, I didn't tell him I dressed like him. He was wonderful. What a gentleman. He was close to the height of his career — one of the heights. I mean, he was always the smart one and the only person I was really thrilled by, and always appreciated his taking time out to talk to my dad, and I do to this day. .
** [[w:Joe Namath|Joe Namath]], in an interview with ESPN in 2005 and in an article published by the Tuscaloosa News, on November 2, 2017.

* I used to work in a record shop and one afternoon I heard them playing &quot;Blue Moon&quot; through the speakers. I'll always remember it coming through the fog. Later, I used to stand in the front room with a plywood guitar shaking my ass like Elvis. He was a genius.
** [[w: Graham Nash|Graham Nash]], founder member of The Hollies and part of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, as interviewed by Caroline Rees for an article entitled, &quot;My best six albums&quot;, wherein he included Elvis 30#1 hits and published in the Express, on Apr 22, 2016

*There was something about Presley's voice. He had a wide vocal range: he could go up and down and stay in-between, with equal ease. There was also a powerful sensuality to his voice. You would know that if you had listened to ‘It’s Now Or Never.’ Besides he had great musicians backing him up.
**Richard Nathan, lead singer for the Funkagenda, in an article published on 22 June, 2018 at The Hindu

* I love Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, even Marilyn Monroe.They had an iconic sense of style. I hope we don't lose that.
** Shaleena Nathani, Indian film superstar [[w:Deepika Padukone|Deepika Padukone]]'s main dress designer, when asked to match one person, dead or alive, to style, and as pubkished in Filmfare.com's June 21, 2020 ediiton in an article entitled  &quot;!In conversation with the creative mind behind superstar wardrobes, Shaleena Nathani&quot;

* In the aftermath of Elvis Presley Estate litigation flurry, the Tennessee General Assembly enacted the Personal Rights Protection Act of 1984, providing clear statutory language ensuring personality rights are not extinguished at death and their descendibility to others. Additionally, the Tennessee Court of Appeals confirmed the descendibility of personality rights under common law in another case brought by the state against the “Elvis Presley International Memorial Foundation” for their unlicensed use of Elvis's name. The foundation argued there was “no descendible right of publicity in Tennessee and that Elvis Presley's name and image entered into the public domain when he died. The court made a clear distinction between the right to privacy and right to publicity, highlighting the economic value of a celebrity’s image, and in reviewing the Sixth Circuit's previous opinion on the matter, found their prior decision was made “without considering Tennessee law. Instead, the court recognized Tennessee has an “expansive view of property” and concluded a celebrity's right of publicity is a “species of intangible personal property” protected in Tennessee. Specifically, the court found descendability of personality rights promotes &quot;an expectation that the investment in valuable capital assets will benefit one's heirs after death, the protection of contract rights, the discouragement of consumer deception, and the policy against unfair competition.Thus, the court held &quot;Elvis Presley's right of publicity survived his death and remains enforceable by his estate and those holding licenses from the estate.
** [[w:National Law Review|National Law Review]], as published on October 10, 2016, in an article entitled 'Elvis and Prince: Personality Rights Guidance for Dead Celebrities and the Lawyers and Legislatures Who Protect Them'' by Peter Colin, Jr, the Review's 2016 Law Student Writing Competition Winner.

* Elvis Presley once said that a man is one thing and an image is another. I didn't really know what Elvis meant by saying that until I was invited to visit the Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital. As I approached it, I saw this statue of Joe DiMaggio in his Yankee uniform with his arm around a little boy. It was the most sensitive looking work of art that I have ever seen.
** Children's books writer and author [[w:Ray Negron|Ray Negron]], in an article entitled Joe DiMaggio, Oh How I Wish I Knew You and as published by NY's Sports Day on March 14, 2017

* Imagine Elvis Presley watching our show. He repeated episodes I'd even forgotten about, even remembering them word for word. And he gave me some great tips about things to do on my tour. You'll never know how much tonight has meant to me..I tpuched his Gold jacket...
** [[w:Rick Nelson|Rick Nelson]], as told to Photoplay editor Maria Borie the night he and Elvis met after Nelson attended Presley's second Pan Pacific Auditorium concert on October 28 1957.

* In his heyday, when he was really hot, there was an explosion of energy between Elvis and his audience. I wasn't a wild fan of Elvis's, but put the man onstage doing his music, and you got something more powerful than the sum of its parts. You got magnetism in action. Maybe it was sexual, I don't know, but if ever a performer could get up onstage and turn a crowd into crashing waves of energy, it was Elvis. Yet Elvis couldn't really whip up a Las Vegas dinner-show crowd on a regular basis. I went to see Elvis one night on the Strip and I slipped in at the back of the room and listened a minute and thought: what is going on here? There was Elvis up there working his ass off, and the crowd was just kind of politely exhausted. They clapped and whistled, but you couldn't feel them giving anything back. I felt like jumping on top of a table and yelling, &quot;Hey everybody, that's Elvis Presley up there! You should be jumping and screaming&quot;
**[[Willie Nelson]] ({{cite book|author=Nelson, Willie; Bud Shrake; Edwin Shrake|year=2000|title=Willie: An Autobiography|publisher=Cooper Square Press|page=277}})

* Around 3,000 years ago, [[David]] became King of Israel, and he named Jerusalem the capital. Now your father echoes his great deed by again recognizing that Jerusalem is our capital, for now and forever. Your father and I are so much alike,  we both love Israel, have Jewish grandchildren and similar futures ahead of us. In fact, the great King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis Presley, could have been speaking about Donald and I when he sang ‘Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock. Everybody in the whole cell block. We’ll be dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock'.
**[[Benjamin Netanyahu]], Prime Minister of Israel, speaking at the opening of the United States Embassy in Jerusalem, on May 14, 2018, with the President's daughter, Ivanka Trump in the audience.

*  It was an ordeal of sorts for many of us —the compulsory monthly haircut at our boarding school in Tiruchy in the 1950s-. Few liked to have their painstakingly grown locks trimmed, let alone sheared off—and for a good reason. Elvis Presley was our much-loved idol then and most of us tried to emulate his puffed hairstyle— something the spoilsport warden frowned upon. He opined that a crew-cut suited us, and Tiruchy's sultry weather, better.  So, fearing that we might be ‘scalped’, we drew upon all our reserves of charm to persuade Dasan, the surly school barber, to minimise his snipping and shearing so that we didn't look like skinheads! He grudgingly obliged us. We boys used to fervently hope that he wouldn't turn up to trim down our nicely burgeoning Elvis hairdos, but he always did, clad in a white shirt and dhoti carrying a rexine bag containing the tools of his trade...
** George Netto, for  the [[w:New Indian Express|New Indian Express]],  in an article entitled &quot;Rooting for Elvis Presley in school&quot;  and as published on 29th August 2018.

* About 125 persons were lined up at the showroom reservation counter early Monday, normally a slow day. Last Saturday some 500 persons were there at 10 am in hopes of getting reservations during the busy weekend. Many were turned away. Officials at the International Hotel said weekends were sold out and that bookings during the week were &quot;tight&quot; for Presley's first appearance before a live audience in eight years. Some Presley fans came all the way from Europe to see the show. The hotel received a letter from a woman in France with a 100 franc note enclosed as a deposit for 10 shows. The woman wanted reservations for both the dinner and midnight shows for five straight days.  So far we have yet to have an empty seat in the house. He is the hottest thing that has hit Las Vegas,&quot; said Bruce Banke, an executive of the hotel. It was his first stage appearance in eight years and his only return engagement to Las Vegas in 13 years. Presley in the flesh has lost nothing. It was still all there. Gyrating legs, wide stance, a bobbing head with tossed black hair, rotating guitar, knee bends and the pounding rhythm of such tunes as &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot;, &quot;Hound Dog&quot;, &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and one of his newest recordings &quot;In The Ghetto&quot; He was contracted to appear here for sn undisclosed salary. Reportedly, Presley is being paid as much as Barbra Streisand who opened the resort in early July for a reported $1 million during a three-year period. Actor George Hamilton was among the first nighters along with businessmen of the Howard Hughes organization. A plane load of admirers flew in from Atlanta, and members of the news media converged here from the East Coast and Europe. Temperatures outside the International Hotel neared 110 degrees the night Presley opened inside the 2,200 seat showroom – after viewing an hour of Presley's gyrations – blood pressure were on the rise. Presley received a long standing ovation. It was one of the the rare occasions when a Las Vegas standing salute was sincere rather than rigged with a few cronies of an entertainer planted down front to stamp and scream approval.
** Myram Borders for the {{w|Nevada State Journal}} in an article entitled Presley Breaks Attendance Records in Vegas as published on their August 8, 1969 edition.

*  At first I would see a kid who used to come over to the Plantation Inn Club when we were  over there. That kid was Elvis Presley.  He would show up every Wednesday and Friday night to see me do Calvin's Boogie and Junior's Jive. I feel that Elvis' later success actually broke the ice for civil rights, because that was the issue during that time, the fact he sent the black idiom all over the world in his music.
** [[w:Calvin Newborn|Calvin Newborn]] African American Jazz guitarrist, whose gigs at the Plantation Inn Club, as well as his home, Elvis frequented, in an interview for the documentary &quot;Why Elvis&quot;

* i) I played a rock and roll star in the fifties... Who was that big guy  then, Elvis,  yeah, Elvis, well we did a  movie in England at that same time ii)  I knew I could never sing like him, but just did my best.
** [[w:Anthony Newley|Anthony Newley]], i)  telling [[w:Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers]] in a 1985 interview,  about his playing a character in the English film [[w:Idol on Parade|Idle on Parade]], based on the 1958 novel by William Camp which in turn was inspired by Elvis Presley's conscription into the US Army and ii)  in a 1959  interview with the Guardian.

* The recent news about robocalls takes me back to last November. I was coming in the back door loaded down with stuff for Thanksgiving. The phone was ringing, but I told myself, “Let it ring, don’t answer it. Don’t do it — you are going to drop something, you know it.&quot; “Ignore the phone call,” I said aloud to no one, yet I knew I wouldn't ignore the call. So I put down the bags — really dropped the bags — and rushed to the phone. As I put away bags of squashed lettuce and more — thank goodness, no eggs that day. “Return to Sender.” an old Elvis Presley song came to my head. In my mind's eye I saw a tall, handsome man standing in front of me singing that song.  I picked up the phone to look at it — and like a light bulb, an idea came to me.  A button. That's what we need: a button, I said in my head. When the calls come in and you know it's not for you — it's not for anyone human — you could press the &quot;star&quot; button twice, maybe, and the call goes back. Every single time. So here's my question for the technicians and scientists out there: Why can't we return robocalls to the people who send them? We should be able to. In fact, we would all be so thankful to the technicians and scientists of the world for developing such a technology. And they  don't even need a new name for it. “Return to Sender” would do. I'm sure Elvis wouldn't mind.
** [[w:Newsday|Newsday]]'s Regina  Phelps,  in an article entitled &quot;My Turn: Elvis has the answer to the modern dilemma of robocalls̊&quot; as published on their 21 March, 2019 edition.

*  Dressed in a chic black tunic and bell bottoms, Elvis Presley stepped onstage last week at the International Hotel in Las Vegas and launched into the driving beat of &quot;Blue Suede Shoes.&quot; The audience of 2,200, most of them over 30, roared and squealed in nostalgic appreciation. In spite of his updated look, Elvis hadn't changed at all in the nearly nine years since his last personal appearance. Oozing the sullen sexuality that threw the America into a state of shock in the 50's, he groaned and swiveled through a medley of &quot;Jailhouse Rock,&quot; &quot;Don't Be Cruel,&quot; &quot;Heartbreak Hotel,&quot; &quot;All Shook Up&quot; and &quot;Hound Dog&quot;. It was hard to believe he was 34 and no longer 19 years old. In fact, there are several unbelievable things about Elvis, but the most incredible is his staying power in a world where meteoric careers fade like shooting stars, Presley shot to the top in 1956 with &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and has stayed in the uppermost tax bracket ever since. When, during a news conference after the opening, a British entrepreneur offered Elvis a million pounds sterling for one appearance in London, it was Parker who answered: &quot;Bring me a deposit tomorrow. Elvis arrived in Las Vegas a week before the show and immediately began rehearsing five hours a day-losing 10 pounds in the process. Only celebrities and big spenders were there opening night to hear Presley sing a lot of oldies and one new song, with a new message aimed at the black rock market. &quot;In The Ghetto&quot; chronicles the evils of poverty in a Chicago slum and could signal the birth of a social conscience for Presley. Another recent record release, &quot;If I Can Dream,&quot; proclaims brotherhood according to the gospel of Martin Luther King, but did not appear on the Vegas program. When asked if these songs marked a new direction he might take, Elvis answered, &quot;I go by the material. When I got 'In The Ghetto,' I couldn't turn it down.
** Portions of [[w:Newsweek|Newsweek]] magazine̪'s review of his July 31, 1969, opening show at the International Hotel, in Las Vegas, published in their August 11, 1969, edition

* I have seen spectacular performers, Buffalo Bill, Enrico Caruso, John Philip Souza, Billy Sunday, Al Jolson, the Marx Brothers, Frank Sinatra, Lena Horne and Liberace but I have never witnessed a storm of excitement like the one generated by Elvis Presley.
** Dwight Newton's laud of Elvis, after reviewing his October 26,1957 concert at the Oakland Civic Centre for the San Francisco Examiner. Newton, who started his journalistic career in 1927, passed away in 2000, at age 98.

* It was huge. I was terrified, I remember that I had my little white lace dress. It was very scary, invited as I was to see Elvis's show and to meet him afterwards and even more intimidating, if incredibly flattering, as he was covering one of my early country hits – If You Love Me, Let Me Know. I went with Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber backstage and Elvis was supposed to come and meet us. But something happened, he had an emergency and he had to leave. It was one of those 'Almost!' moments...
** {{w|Olivia Newton-John}} in an interview with the Brisbane Times, published on October 22, 2016.

* From the first quavering notes of the song, it was obvious that there was something different about him -- you could detect his influences, but he didn't sound like anyone else. There is a quality of unutterable plaintiveness as Elvis, in 1953, sings &quot;My Happiness&quot;, a pop hit,in 1948, for Jon and Sandra Steele, and a sentimental ballad that couldn't have been further from anyone's imaginings of rock-and-roll. It is just a pure, yearning, almost desperately pleading solo voice reaching for effect. The guitar, Elvis said, &quot;sounded like somebody beating on a bucket lid,&quot; with an added factor of nervousness that Elvis must surely have felt. But even that is not particularly detectable -- there is a strange sense of calm, an almost unsettling stillness in the midst of great drama. When he finished, the boy looked up expectantly at the man in the control booth. Mr. Phillips nodded and said politely that he was an &quot;interesting&quot; singer. &quot;We might give you a call sometime.&quot;
** Description of the-then 18-year-old Elvis paying $4 to make a personal record at Sam Phillips's Memphis Recording Service in 1953, as published by the New York Times on October 9, 1994, in an article entitled &quot;The stirrings of a King&quot;

* Recently, someone asked the question of who had been the one individual who'd helped save the most money in the US healthcare industry in the last century. The answer – surprisingly – is Elvis Presley. On October 28, 1956, Elvis got a polio vaccination before his appearance on national TV. That event was responsible for raising immunization levels in the US from 0.6% to over 80% in just 6 months. No other single individual has had that kind of impact on healthcare in the US.
** NEXUS, a former {{w|Dimension Data}} now {{w|Nippon Telegraph and Telephone}} owned company's laud of Elvis' influence on the eradication of polio, as published in their online page in an article entitled &quot;U.S. Healthcare Needs Another Elvis&quot; on February 6, 2015.

* These last three years he's been so used to people tearing at him wherever he goes that he's drawn-into as hell. He's so used to being alone with a few close friends and going for drives and playing records that you can't get him out
** [[w:Anne Neyland|Anne Neyland]], who dated Elvis during the shoot of jailhouse Rocvk, as told to Photoplay in 1960.

* A toss-up between seeing Elvis live in Las Vegas in the 1970s and taking a dip in the thermal waters of Iceland’s Blue Lagoon ...
** [[w:Paul Nicholas|Paul Nicholas]]'s most memorable travel experience, as published in the Daily Mail's January 8, 2022 edtion.

* While vastly different individuals, Abraham Lincoln, Elvis Presley and Martin Luther King Jr. were all brave Americans who firmly stood for what they believed.
** [[w:Kevin Nicholson|Kevin Nicholson]], former President of the College Democrats and a speaker at the 2000 Democratic National Convention, during a dinner for Lincoln Day at the Kosh&amp;shy;konong Mounds Country Club at Jefferson County, Wisconsin, as published in the daily Journal's edition of 13 February, 2017.

*  We were first called the Grim Reapers and we recorded at this place in Janesville (Wisconsin). It was in a barn and this guy [had] a four-track machine. We recorded a song called ‘Cruisin’ for Burgers' and we did Elvis'  ‘Hound Dog, When the people at Epic Records heard it, and they decided they liked us well enough where they gave us a record deal,  they asked us to change our name to Fuse which eventually became Cheap Trick in 1973.  Ad then we lived through a series of highs and lows before encountering a particularly difficult era in the mid-‘80s. That changed with the release of our 1988 comeback album Lap of Luxury, which contained another Elvis track, in fact it was the only version of an Elvis song that went to the Top 5 – ‘Don’t Be Cruel.  So there’s two references to Elvis Presley in our career.”
** [[w:Rick Nielsen|Rick Nielsen]], lead guitarist for [[w:Cheap Trick|Cheap Trick]], in an interview for Ultimate Classic Rock and  focusing on how Elvis impacted twice  in their career, as published on their December 9, 2018 edition

* A group of teenage girls stood at the driveway eager to see a glimpse of him. Then, as someone inside ruffled a curtain, the girls all screamed, totally convinced that they had seen Elvis. Was that Elvis at the window? we would all scream. And, of course, it never was but just another exciting Saturday night at Audubon Drive...
** [[w:Elizabeth Nielson|Elizabeth Nielson]], recalling for the Tennessean her time in 1956, when she was 15 and a resident at the Williamson neighborhood where Elvis first Memphis home at Audobun Drive was located. Such was the excitement outside the home, and the neighbors' complaints, that the Presleys had to move, after a year, to Graceland.

* I wasn't even born when Elvis passed away, but I am hugely grateful for the musical doors knocked down by him.  It was good to have people like that who weren't scared to take chances back then. You don't take chances to do it in vain; you take chances musically because you care, or you want to be different, or you want to see what would happen if you mix this with that. It takes an open mind, but Elvis was one of those people that whatever he did, it was right. I love the fact that Elvis was  a country boy.
** [[w:Jerrod Niemann|Jerrod Niemann]]'s laud of Elvis on the 35th Anniversary of His Death, as published by The Boot's August 16, 2012 edition.

* I knew little of him before we met at the White House. But, as I talked to him, I felt he was basically a very shy man. People say that because he had trouble at the end of his life, that he could not have been a good example, but they overlooked the fact he always used medication prescribed by his physician, so I think that he was always a very sincere and decent man.
** Former US President [[w:Richard Nixon|Richard Nixon]], as detailed in the PBS program &quot;We were there when Elvis and Nixon met&quot;.

* Elvis Presley is my spiritual father and, as you may know, Maria Callas is my spiritual mother.
** [[w:Klaus Nomi|Klaus Nomi]], German countertenor noted for his wide vocal range and an unusual, otherworldly stage persona, as noted in azquotes.

* Eminem is a King in his own right, a genius. He's our Elvis and I think we should claim that.&quot;
** [[w:N.O.R.E|N.O.R.E]], American hip hop and reggaeton recording artist, of Puerto Rican extraction, in an interview with vladrv

* Like myself, Elvis was introduced to the world of self defense while in the military. He would study many styles under many different ethnic instructors throughout his life. In 1959 he started as a student under German  {{w|Jürgen Seydel}}, (a Shokotan sensei), then was mentored under Japanese Teugio Murakami (a Shokotan master),  Korean Kang Rhee (Sa-Ryu TaeKwon Do Grandmaster), Americans Hank Slemansky (a Chito Ryu stylist) and [[w:Ed Parker|Ed Parker]] (the founder of American Kenpo – who would remain his lifelong teacher), and Filipino Dan Inosanto (later [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee]]’s student). Elvis’ love for martial arts permeated his career in music and movies, where he'd often demonstrate his self-defense moves. I'll never forget seeing him perform, sitting in the front booth with [[w:Robert Wall|Bob Wall]] as the special guests of his wife  Priscilla at a  dinner show at the Las Vegas Hilton and being captivated by his charisma and showmanship. That was the day Bob and I  first met him, when, after the  show Elvis invited all of us up to his suite, where we talked until 4:00 in the morning. At first I thought, “What are we going to talk about?” I knew nothing about music, but I knew I could talk about martial arts all night long! And we did! I was impressed with his self defense insight and devotion. Even after two shows earlier that evening, Elvis stayed to the early morning hours shooting the breeze with us. That was a special night for all of us, which I'll never forget.  Elvis was a real nice, down-to-earth guy, who made you feel in a few hours like you had known him forever. I still enjoy his music and films.
** [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]], in an article published on WND's August 13, 2007 edition.

* Before any of my debates, I  listen to Elvis Presley's version of “My Way.”,  just to get myself psyched up...
** Physician [[w:Ralph Northam|Ralph Northam]], 40th Lieutenant Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the 2017  Democratic candidate for Governor, as reported by the Washington Post, on October 24, 2017.

* He is arguably one of the most iconic figures in American culture, the boy from East Tupelo who wanted a gun for his 11th birthday, got a guitar instead and went on to change the world introducing a unique musical style that combined pop, country, gospel and rhythm and blues. Although he moved to Memphis at a young age, Presley's home was, and will always be Tupelo...
** The {{w|Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal}}'s editorial laud of Elvis Presley after his having been inducted, in 2016, to the Mississippi Hall of Fame in an article entitled &quot;Exceptional Mississippians deserve great recognition&quot; and published on December 14, 2016.

*  The entourage was assembled, and the caravan headed out so  Puffy, Biggie and I got into my Ford Explorer. I had a six-disc player, and it automatically went to Elvis 'Suspicious Minds' and Puffy was like, ‘What’s wrong with you? Biggie was in the back and he said, ‘Hey, man, chill out. Elvis was cool,’ I thought it was so awesome that Biggie was sticking up for me for listening to Elvis.” ~
** About the [[w:The Notorious B.I.G.|Notorious B.I.G.]]'s reaction to his friend [[w:Michael Levine (publicist)|Michael Levine]]'s listening to Elvis in his car, as told by Levine in 1997 and as published by The Guardian and The Undefeated.

* Nowadays, with the cult of celebrity so firmly ingrained in western society, it seems obvious that having a leading star flash their wrist at a large audience would see a brand's sales go through the roof. But when Elvis Presley wore the Hamilton Ventura in the 1961 film Blue Hawaii, the then American brand couldn't have imagined the enduring effect of Presley's contribution.
** [[w:Rob Nudds|Rob Nudds]]'s laud of Presley's selling power, even in 1961, when using the first electric watch to have ever been made, a truly unique piece then owned by Paramount and which sold, years later, to the Swiss watchmaker Swatch, for US $1million

* That was the one thing that they knew that could conquer the world. They had the greatest dancers. They had the greatest choreographers and teachers in the world. And so at the time of Nureyev's defection, they were going to the West,  and it was just two months after Yuri Gagarin  went into space, and it was an  enormous embarrassment to them, as he was also one of those enormous stars that you probably won't get again.  He and people like him, like Elvis, they were sort of larger than life, and they stood out more. ...
** About [[w:Rudolph Nureyev|Rudolph Nureyev]]'s  extraterrestrial, larger-than-life aspect to him as noted by film Director Robert Morris to Robin Young of &quot;Here &amp; Now's&quot;, and as reported on WUR.org's  April 25, 2019

== O ==

* So go ahead Bruce, and give me the Elvis take on cultural appropriation right now.  I don’t want to get waylaid I should say, but  I am a big Elvis fan.  And I’m not a believer of narrowingly defining who gets to do what.  I think we steal from everybody, from everywhere and that’s the nature of humanity, of culture,  that is how ideas migrate. That’s how music gets created. That is how food gets created. I  don’t want us to be thinking that there’s this way for that person and that way for the other person. I think what’s always been relevant about cultural appropriation is if the black person who writes the song and who performs it better can’t also  perform it and can’t get the record deal. I’ve got no problem with white artists doing black music cause I don’t think there’s such a thing as simply, exclusively black music or white music, or hispanic music. It’s the economics and the power dynamics underneath it which Elvis obviously was part of, but he didn’t create it.
** US President [[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], transcripted verbatim from the eight and last episode  of a podcast  (&quot;Renegades: Born in the USA&quot;) entitled &quot;Looking towards American Renewal&quot; made in conjunction with {{w|Bruce Springsteen}}, and as published on Newsroom/Spotify's March 21, 2021 edition.

* In Michelle Obama's  Netflix documentary &quot;Becoming&quot; her stylist, Meredith Koop, fingers a suit that awaits the first lady turned bestselling author backstage on her book tour. It's pale pink and pimped with diamanté.  “She is not a minimalist,” Koop deadpans. “When I look at this suit I do see Elvis and I don’t have a problem with that.” That's nothing. It's followed up in short order in the TV show by Obama's now-infamous turn in gold-sequinned Balenciaga thigh boots, and a dress slashed so high that you are left in no doubt that thigh boots are precisely what they are. This isn't mere Elvis style. This is Lady Gaga too.
**  About {{w|Michelle Obama}}, as noted by Anna Murphy, Fashion Director for the Times of London in an article entitled  &quot;Me and Michelle Obama? We take style tips from Elvis&quot; as published in the paper's June 20th edition.

* &quot;One good turn deserves another/Be my love, I'll be your lover/It's all part of nature's laws/If you'll scratch my back, then I'll scratch yours&quot; That's not a poem; it's actually the first stanza of an Elvis Presley song, titled ‘Scratch my back&quot;. The phrase, ‘scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’ was not coined by the writers of Presley's song, having been in existence way before Presley was even born but what it basically means is that a favour done will be returned, and that nothing goes for nothing.
** Buchi Obichie, writing on Legit about Nigerian President {{w|Muhammadu Buhari}}'s 2019 re-election bid, and the price he may have to pay to garner the support he needs,  as published on November 2, 2018.

* When I was at Harvard, and it's the 80s, and I had sort-of come of age with 60s and 70s music, so Elvis wasn't a big interest of mine. And, then in 1983, I listened for the first time to The Sun Sessions, Elvis' earliest work that he did with Sam Phillips. It blew my mind. It was like a drug. I couldn't get enough. It made me go out and buy a guitar. It made me try and play that music. And, in a sense, I've never gotten past that music. I can't get past early Elvis. I appreciate other music, but I'm always drawn back. It's just this energy. What I've always noticed about Elvis is there's nobody more talented, or better looking. He's a rare example of the complete package and he is at the right time. He's got it all. I listen to Elvis nearly every night on Sirius. I love it. Yet, there's always part of me that's very sad that Elvis couldn't have lived to see how great his work was. He was someone who was revered. To see that whole generation come out and play with him and support. And let him know that his work meant something in the American tapestry, but he never got that chance.
** [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]], television host, comedian and producer, speaking with Elvis' foremost biographer, Peter Guralnick, as published on Elvisblog on May 31, 2013.

* As you know, I died in Chicago. I lost my life and I went to heaven because I was very good and sang very lyrical songs. And I got to talk to God and he said, 'Well, what do you want to do? You can go back and be anyone you want.' So I thought who do I want to be? And I thought, I wanted to be the guy who was the King of Pop, the king of show business, Elvis Presley If there's any hope for America, it lies in a revolution. If there's any hope for a revolution in America, it lies in getting Elvis Presley into becoming Che Guevera. If you don't do that, you're just beating your head against the wall, or the cop down the street will beat your head against the wall. We have to discover where he is, he's the ultimate American artist.&quot;
** [[w:Phil Ochs|Phil Ochs]], addressing the audience, from his album &quot;In Gunfight at Carnegie Hall&quot;, a concert recorded at Carnegie Hall in New York on March 27, 1970. He wa  making a reference to his being in Chicago, during the Convention demonstrations, in 1968.

* She has a taste in music that almost perfectly reflects her style, having been in politics for longer than a large portion of the electorate has been alive, and her musical tastes appear to be just mainstream, contemporary Top 40 radio music. Another large portion of her playlist features Jennifer Lopez, Marc Antony and Juanes. But like her opponent, Clinton also professes a love for the music of her youth, including her being a fan of Elvis Presley,
** [[w:Waylon O'Day|Waylon O'Day]], in an article entitled Music and the 2016 Election: Trump and Clinton, published on November 3, 2016

* (In fact), Elvis Presley was a fan. I was thrilled by that; I really was. We never know how we affect the people we come in contact with. We cannot decide how it is we affect anybody. It makes me feel wonderful when I feel that it is something I have done that makes them go on.
** [[w:Odetta|Odetta]], African American singer, actress, guitarist, songwriter, and civil and human rights activist, speaking at the First Amendment Center on Presley's recording of Bob Dylan's Tomorrow is a long time&quot;, where she expressed pleasure in finding out Elvis was a fan of hers, as told on March 25th 1999.

* There is just too much difficulty for getting radio airplay for my new music. Most every song today is the same chords for maybe 300 bars. But I imagine they said the same thing about us when we were jumping around on Elvis Presley and Little Richard and Fats Domino and Sam Cooke and Otis Redding and James Brown. I guess it's all in what you call evolution...
** [[w:The O'Jays|The O'Jays]]'s Eddie Levert, on his return to entertainment at age 75, as published in the Detroit News, on December 28, 2016.

* O'Keefe was deeply depressed by Elvis Presley's death. He was his idol and O'Keefe would keep telling friends that he would be next. Six days after appearing on the Seven Network Show Sounds (which was a little over a year after Presley's death), O'Keefe passed away from a heart attack.
** About [[w:Johnny O’Keefe|Johnny O’Keefe]]'s lasting impact on Australian music, as noted in Stars at 60, on December 3, 2016.

* I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley... the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, America is wheezing its way through ‘Love Me Tender&quot;. But America's still the King.”
** British comedian [[w:John Oliver|John Oliver]], as published on the CheatSheet's March 31, 2019 edition.

* I don’t like to seem like I’m bragging, but I’m going to ask you a question. Who owns Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Forever 21? and JCPenney? Me!!! My real business is I own 50 brands, So, when I was retiring, I’m looking around, I’m like ‘How does Michael Jackson and all these guys live forever?’ So, one of the chapters in the book, joint venture-ship. So, I called the three companies, seemingly Authentic Brand Group, Simon Property Group, and Brookfield Property Partners and they bought my brand for a lot of money. So, I took half that money, put it back in the company,  now I’m the number two guy in the company. I put money back in the company, and now I own all those other brands, so if I  ever go away, we still got Elvis.
** {{w|Shaquille O’Neal}} from an article entitled &quot;Mic Drop: Shaquille O’Neal Shuts Down the Internet with His Financial Portfolio, Owns Forever 21, Elvis Presley, and Much More&quot;, as published in the Atlanta'a Black Star's July 9, 2021 edition.

* Of course, it was hard to get to Elvis because you had to go through Parker. But when I found myself in Las Vegas, in August of 1969  I had a way in and that was through my friend Tom Jones.  Tom was friendly with Elvis so he fixed it with Parker that Tom and I  could sit close enough to take some photos of him performing on stage.  Afterwards I went backstage and met Elvis and  he just struck as the best looking man I’d ever seen, even better than the pictures...
** [[w:Terry O'Neill (photographer)|Terry O'Neill]], UK celebrity photographer, in an interview for IconicImages as published on their 30th March 2017 edition.

* The first thing he did when he came out in 1955 in Texas, it seemed like he was spitting on the stage. It all affected me like the first time I saw that David Lynch film. There was just no reference point in the culture to compare it too. In fact, he was the firstest with the mostest.
** [[w:Roy Orbison|Roy Orbison]], as published in www.graceland.com

* As Elvis noted, 'A little less conversation, a little more action, please.'
** Hugh O'Reilly, President and CEO of Canada's [[w:OPTrust|OPTrust]], telling attendees at a climate-change seminar that this is the moment for institutional investors to become the force behind incorporating climate risk into investing, as published in Pensions &amp; Investments on 25 September, 2018.

* It's hard to pick one, because I love [[w:Celia Cruz|Celia Cruz]]’s depth, Elvis Presley’s vibrato, [[w:Ray Charles|Ray Charles]]’ texture, and [[w:Amy Winehouse|Amy Winehouse]]’ melancholy flow;
** R&amp;B singer Natalie Orfilia, citing her favourite singers, in an article published at Rollingout's October 25, 2018 edition.

* Pat, then 13 as I was, got the tickets through  her mom’s boyfriend who was a captain or something with the St. Louis Police Department.  After the show, he asked us if we wanted to go backstage and meet Elvis, Once there, I noticed everyone was trying to get his attention, wanting him to sign things and take his picture, and he would say ‘yes, ma’am’ and ‘yes, sir’ to everyone.  No matter how crazy it got, he was unfailingly polite. I like that he didn't at all act like a big shot. The photo with us,  once it hit the papers, obviously, was a big hit at my school. People would bring it up to me all the time. When the picture was taken, I happened to have my eyes closed, so all my friends would tease me. They'd say, &quot;You’re in love with Elvis, your eyes are closed&quot;  LOL. After graduating from Roosevelt High in 1960, I got a bachelor's degree from Mizzou in 1964, the same year I  competed in the Miss Missouri pageant. Though neither of us, Pat and I,  were able to follow his entire career, it was all really sad what happened to him.  But I just remember how nice he was to us.
** [[w:Miss Missouri|Kathy Orio]], reminiscing about the night she and her friend Patricia (Pat) Vardell, met Elvis after his Kiel Auditorium concert on March 29, 1957 in an article published in the St Louis Dispatch's March 29, 2014 edition and entitled &quot; 57 years later, former St. Louis resident recalls 'polite' Elvis

* I got a letter from Elvis in 1961, I was 16, and the letter said, “I just want you to know I put &quot;Halfway to Paradise&quot; in my jukebox.” When I finally met him in the ‘70s, I was headlining the Hilton in Las Vegas and was actually following him a week later. I sat with him in his dressing room and then I said, “Let me ask you a question. Do you remember writing a letter to me, saying that you liked &quot;Halfway to Paradise?” And he calls Priscilla into the room, and he said, “Tell Tony what my favourite song is.” And sure enough, it was &quot;Halfway to Paradise&quot;,
** [[w:Tony Orlando|Tony Orlando]],in an interview with Shawn Conner with the Vancouver Sun, published on April 6, 2016-

* In late 1956,  at a Buenos Aires railway station where I ended up sleeping my first night after arriving from the provinces, that is when  I heard his voice, which caused me shock, fear, but it also generated an artistic purpose on me. It changed my life. ii) Years later, I noticed [[w:Peter Rock (musician)|Peter Rock]] was the best Latin American Elvis, until I saw [[w:Sandro de America|Sandro]]
** [[w:Palito Ortega|Palito Ortega]], Elvis greatest fan amongst all Latin American singers, as stated in an  interview in la Tercera's December 26, 2017 edition IIU) ii) CNN interview Aug 23, 2018

* I remember watching this guy walk through the door as a regular human being, and the night before he was a master of the stage. That magic that aura, that whatever,  he left it on the stage, because when he was with you he was a someone you could talk to,  in other words, a very, very  nice person.
** [[w:Donny Osmond|Donny Osmond]],- for Biography and Life Story

* Me, as a fan of music, I wasn't real sure at first — I wanted to see how it is — but this is something groundbreaking. For me, I would love to see a David Bowie [hologram performance], or I would love to see... maybe not a whole night, but AC/DC with... four songs with Bon Scott. Especially, people I've never seen — Elvis, I'd love to see an Elvis one
** [[w:Tim &quot;Ripper&quot; Owens|Tim &quot;Ripper&quot; Owens]], heavy metal singer, on  the subject of the holograms he would like to see, as published in Blabbermouth on December 17, 2017.

* People talk of his range and power, his ability and ease in hitting the high notes. But the real difference between Elvis and other singers was that he could sing majestically in any style, be it rock, country, or R&amp;B – because he had soul. He sang from the heart. And that is what made him the greatest singer in the history of popular music.
** [[w:John Owen Williams (record producer)|John Owen Williams]], English A&amp;R executive, record producer, photographer, manager, recording artist, and songwriter, speaking about the soul in  Elvis'voice.

== P ==
* It was in Vegas in '73 and it was really something to see. They really didn't know what to do with each other. Obviously Elvis was enthralled to be in Ali's presence, but so was Ali, he loved Elvis. Elvis came in to Ali's hotel room with the robe, 'The People's Champ' written on the back in jewels. Ali sees Elvis coming in and says, 'Hey, that's Elvis, man. He looks pretty good!' And both of them looked at each other like good-looking women would look at each other to appraise how they look. At that time, Ali was at the height of his good looks, so this was probably the best-looking black guy and the best-looking white guy on the planet in that room, and they were looking at each other like roosters. 'You look good, Ali.' 'Yeah, you're looking good, Elvis'. So here they are and they really wanted to be friends with, and respected each other and the love was there, but they couldn't quite get as close as they would have liked. But the robe Elvis presented to Ali that night was the only one he ever kept..
** [[w:Ferdie Pacheco|Ferdie Pacheco]], Muhammed Ali's personal physician and cornerman, on the day Ali and Elvis met, as published in the Sabotage Times, 8 January 2016 edition.

* i) I am doing probably what they were doing up there, which is try to emulate the music I heard coming from America in some shape or form. It's defining coming from America, rock 'n' roll, rockabilly if you like, like in the modes of what (Elvis) Presley was doing and inspiring so many people like Buddy Holly, Gene Vincent, all of them. And then accessing the blues and wanting as much to be sort of B.B. King, do you know what I mean? It was this sort of growth, really, of this voracious appetite I had for all things six strings, really. I can see how it manifests across the board. ii) We got to meet Elvis on May 11, 1974. He'd been the one who'd done so much for so many, setting everyone alight and flighting right under the radar with all of this black music, doing numbers by country blues artists like Arthur Crudup and Sleepy John Estes. It was unbelievable. He was one of us. And think about it! He started in 1954 – that was more than ten years before we arrived. It's miraculous that he made it through! He had the hand of God over him, he really did. He was the one that brought it all together. He brought blues and race music to the white culture. Rewinding to 1974, we were invited to see him play and then invited back to a party afterward. We went up to his suite. There was just a few other people. I can tell you we were really nervous when he came in the door. He really moved as naturally cool in real life as he did on film. That wasn't an act, that's just how he really was! It was real cool to us. It was a little awkward at first because his music meant so much to us but then somebody said 'You know that hot rod you drove in the movie 'Loving You'? And that was that everybody just drove into the conversation relaxed and had fun. He was wonderful a fantastic man!!! On this day in 1998, I played at Tupelo, where Elvis was born and raised, when there were no local attractions apart from the cotton fields or getting to Memphis. When Elvis grew up it must have been pretty bleak but the white and black picked the cotton side by side and the local indigenous music provided the soundtrack to this tough environment and it took the visionary genius of Elvis to blend those musical sources and change the world.
** [[w:Jimmy Page|Jimmy Page]], lead guitarist for [[Led Zeppelin]], telling reporter i) Gary Graff of 105.7 WROR, on 31 March 2017 about his US influences and ii)David Frickle on how it felt for a child a of post-war Britain, to meet Presley as published in RollingStone magazine's October 28, 2014 edition, as well as from the book &quot;Light and Shade&quot; published in 2012.

* It was during filming that I remember a particularly special day. Elvis and the assistant directors gathered the whole cast &amp; crew together on set for  an important announcement. Elvis was beaming. I remember the anticipation of what he would say, and he stood up on a couple of apple boxes and shared with us all the news that his wife Priscilla was expecting. His famous smile and the glint in his eyes expressed such happiness! Everyone applauded and yelped ‘congratulations!’ Then, Elvis looked over at me among the crowd, pointed, and said, “And I want a little girl just like you!” It was an unbelievably happy moment – I ran over and hugged him...
** [[w:Victoria Paige Meyerink|Victoria Paige Meyerink]], child actress and future motion picture director, recalling the time when,  as a 7 year old, she co-starred with Elvis in &quot;Speedway&quot;.

* Back in the early days of [[w:Storage Wars|Storage Wars]], Dave Hester happily filled the role of resident baddie, driving folks crazy with his belligerent swagger, always looking to pick a fight or drive up the price of a unit that someone else wanted, even if his only objective was to stick in their craw and get them to lose their cool. But in spite of the rascally overtones, Hester was still a savvy player who did well during his time on the program. The best example of his success came all the way back in the first season, when Hester bought a storage unit that was loaded with newspapers. At first it seemed that all Hester had done was purchase a load of outdated periodicals. But then he discovered that the stash was all from the same day: August 17, 1977. Sound familiar? That's the day after Elvis Presley died. The unit ended up being a gold mine, with the plethora of papers all sporting the King of Rock and Roll's face adding up to a staggering $90,000.
** Jaron Pak, recalling for [[w:List of maze video games|Looper]], an extraordinary Elvis related find by Dave Hester,  a participant during the first season of US TV reality show &quot;Storage Wars&quot;, in an article published in their December 29, 2018 edition. its narrative dovetailing nicely with the notion that August 17, 1977 was the day  when more newspapers were printed, and sold in America since November 23, 1963, the day after JFK's assassination

* It doesn't get any bigger than Elvis
** [[w:Annastacia Palaszczuk|Annastacia Palaszczuk]], Queensland's Premier, welcoming the fact Baz Luhrmann's &quot;Elvis&quot; was filmed entirely in Queensland, creating about 900 local jobs, as noted in the Dinglketon Argus' June 4, 2022 edition

* I didn't think much of him  when I first met him in Las Vegas in April of 1956 before he was a movie star. After working with him  in Jailhouse Rock, I saw a complete different side to his character and then I enjoyed working with him.
** [[w:Gloria Pall|Gloria Pall]], as noted in her book entitled &quot;I Danced Before the King (Elvis)&quot;, a reference to the known fact she played the showgirl whose legs are briefly seen in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;

* But the last side, recorded during rehearsals for his 1968 television special, is another treat, as fine and tough and overflowing with heart and soul as any of his 50's recordings. Playing an electric guitar, rather than his customary acoustic model, he traded fluid rhythm and lead parts with Scotty Moore, their interplay almost telepathic. And with his original drummer, D. J. Fontana, stoking the fires, this music moved, from the ferocious version of Rufus Thomas's Sun Records label blues &quot;Tiger Man&quot; to Jimmy Reed blues shuffles, to smoldering New Orleans triplet-style blues-ballads like &quot;Lawdy Miss Clawdy&quot; and &quot;One Night&quot;. This is rock and roll as good as it gets.
**  [[w:Robert Palmer (writer)|Robert Palmer]], reviewing Elvis' boxed set, ¨A Golden Celebration¨ , for the New York Times on Nov. 18, 1984.

* I remember that all my music listening had to be from the single family wireless receiver, which was built like a piece of furniture and took up an entire corner of the front room. It was from this Ekco set that I first heard Elvis Presley's &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;. It was a musical epiphany for me. His moody syncopated delivery was astonishing, daring, disrespectful. My father came in while I was listening and he asked, &quot;Something wrong with the set?&quot;. He was going to check the valves at the back but I told him that it was Elvis Presley and that he was meant to sound like that.
** UK Comedian and actor [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]], of Monty Python fame, describing his early affinity with the arts, entertainment and music in an interview publshed by Australia's Sidney Morning Herald, on November 13, 2014

* Since 2007, the English Wikipedia page of Elvis Presley has received more than 49 million page views. His biography is available in 167 different languages resulting in his becoming the most read of any singer since 3,500 BC,  as well as the subject of  its 19th most analyzed   biography amongst those people, of all professions,   known have been born on US soil since 1776   
**  [[w:César Hidalgo|Pantheon]] 's laud of Elvis, as noted in  their 2022 edited, 2.0 online program  which maps the historical cultural  production, or celebrity, of every person born after 3,500 BC

* When he turned it on, Elvis sang with the spiritual fervour of one who spoke in tongues, not so much communicating with the listener, as communing. Our continuing fascination with Elvis is a testament to both his charisma and his voice. The details are secondary. To paraphrase the literary critic and poet Al Alvarez, all that matters is that you hear the voice. When this happens, Elvis Presley doesn't just hold a mirror up to nature, he creates an eternal moment, leaving the sound of his voice on the airwaves as distinctly as Leonardo Da Vinci forever fixed the Mona Lisa smile in time.
** [[w:Richard J Parfitt|Richard J Parfitt]], Senior Lecturer in Music and the Performing Arts at Bath Spa University, as abridged from an article entitled &quot;The Quasi religious significance of Elvis&quot;, published in the online edition of The Comversation, on December 11, 2014.

* I've had the luckiest and greatest life you can imagine, like  when Elvis Presley turned to me and introduced me to Johnny Cash. Before I knew it, I was standing in between the two legends.
** Arnold Parker, country musician, recalling for the Victoria Advocate the days when he toured with Elvis  and Johnny Cash, in 1955,  as members of the [[w:Louisiana Hayride|Louisiana Hayride]]

* Donald Trump and Bill Clinton were born two months apart in 1946 into a revolutionary culture that soon would embrace a hip-swiveling crooner named Elvis Presley and Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine. Basically, everything you need to know about them can be found in these two mid-century icons. A fellow Southerner, Clinton saw himself as Elvis. Even now, his face sometimes betrays Elvis's smoldering glance with the slightly curled lip. Trump, a New York City boy, was Hefner. He collected all the toys of the Playboy lifestyle — boats, planes, cars — the best of everything a guilt-mongering rich boy would seek to glam up his sex appeal. Mar-a-Lago was his Playboy Mansion. All three of his wives have been bunny quality, and Trump Tower isn't just a tall building.
** [[w:Kathleen Parker|Kathleen Parker]], Pulitzer Prize winner for Commentary in 2010, in an article for the Washington Post entitled Who is worse, Trump or Clinton, published on October 12, 2016

* Come to think of it, Elvis, having black females as background singers might be bad going into southern regional areas, such as Texas..
** [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Colonel Tom Parker]], advising his Elvis not to take the Sweet Inspirations to his six back to back shows which, as it turned out, drew 200,000 fans at the Houston Astrodome in late February and early March of 1970. Elvis response &quot;Fine, then we won't do any  more gigs in Texas or any other such places that don't accept them. In fact, if they don't accept them, they don't accept me&quot; , with the latter quote coming from Cissy Houston,   lead singer of the Sweet Inspirations and the mother of Whitney Houston, in an interview for YouTube.

* The news I could bring is that I met up with The King
** [[w:Gram Parsons|Gram Parsons]] on meeting Elvis backstage after a concert in his hometown of Waycross, GA, on February 22, 1956 following which he decided to become a musician. He was 9 years old.

* I don't know of anybody that doesn't like Elvis or heard anybody say, ‘Oh, I don’t like his singing.’ Everybody loved Elvis, and I just think that's incredible. He was so different in every way — his voice, his style, the way he moved, the way he looked. He just had this charm and charisma and a lot of sex appeal.
** [[w:Dolly Parton|Dolly Parton]] who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT's online edition of November 21, 2014.

* He was remembered as an ambassador who had a hand in the Redbirds moving from Louisville to Memphis, the building of AutoZone Park, and by extension, the Grizzlies' move from Vancouver to Memphis. He made Memphis sports what it is. He's the guy. What Elvis Presley did, that's what he did.
**[[w:Josh Pastner|Josh Pastner]], speaking about journalist and sports talk radio pioneer George Lapides, as published in Memphis Daily journal, on December 28, 2016.

* As with the first time we stepped into this amazing world — it is the extraordinary intimacy of Elvis's vocal performances that is truly breathtaking, the exquisite and effortless way he takes us on an emotional journey with him, through delicate sensitivity to power and grace all within a magical 3-minute song. You can't imagine how often we heard these songs during the course of this project but I can honestly tell you that every single time Don Reedman and I played each song it really did feel as if we were listening to a private performance held  just for us in our own home. Our home is the Abbey Road studio and we were listening to the greatest artist that ever lived.
** [[w:Nick Patrick|Nick Patrick]], co-producer with Don Reedman for &quot;If I can dream&quot; &quot;The Wonder Of You&quot;, and Christmas with Elvis&quot; the three  albums dovetailing the voice of Elvis Presley with live recording and playing by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

* &quot;Whether one is an Elvis fan or not there is no doubting that no church in Grimsby or any other town, possibly, has ever seen anything like it before, the most moving and joyful service I have ever officiated at. Some people used to think rock and roll was the devil's music but Elvis was a devout Christian.&quot;
**The Reverend [[w:Ray Patston|Ray Patston]]'s tribute to Elvis' passing, as excerpted from an article entitled &quot;Tributes to Vicar who famously mourned Elvis' death&quot; and published at the Grimsby Telegraph on 19 March, 2015.

* Designer Peter Blake worked with The Beatles to stage the cover of the &quot;Sgt. Pepper's&quot; album, which was filled with life-size cardboard likenesses of famous figures including Mae West, Bob Dylan, Marlon Brando, Edgar Allen Poe, Fred Astaire, Sonny Liston, Dylan Thomas, Laurel and Hardy and Karl Marx. John Lennon even requested the inclusion of Hitler and Jesus in the artwork, but he was turned down. (As to) Elvis, he did not appear on the album cover because it was felt by the Beatles he was too big an icon to be included.
** Calum Patum, discussing the auction sale, for 29,000 UK pounds, of the gnome which featured on The Beatles' iconic &quot;Sergeant Pepper's&quot; album cover, as published in the Mail's online edition of 21 April, 2015.

* I went in, in 1957, and was soon stationed in Germany with Elvis Presley and Gary Crosby – Bing Crosby's son. We were there so I said why don't we start a band, so we didn't have to do any hard work in the service. We tried to get Elvis to join us and I used to see him every day but he wanted to get away from music for a while, while he was in the service. So me and Gary Crosby, we started it and called ourselves the Jazz Blues Symphony Band. As to hearing people talk about Elvis having racial tendencies, that was a lie....
** [[w:Billy Paul|Billy Paul]], on his time in the Army, as told in ourrockandrollhalloffame

* I love his voice
** [[w:Luciano Pavarotti|Luciano Pavarotti]], to an UPI reporter who greeted him  at Memphis Airport in the spring of 1972

* Living with my parents in Rapid City, S.D, I was 14 or 15, and Elvis Presley coming  to town. This was a month or two before he died. I witnessed women throwing everything onstage -- everything that goes with an Elvis show. It was fascinating.&quot;
**Pat Paxton, President of [[w:Entercom|Entercom]]'s answer to the question of which was the  most memorable concert he ever attended, in an interview with Billboard and as published on January 25, 2018.

* By the early 1960s, only half of the total goal of $500,000 had been raised, so journalists from Hawaii reached out to newspapers across the country for support. Elvis Presley was inspired, and decided to put on a show in remembrance of the men aboard the Arizona and veterans as a whole. There were 4000 available seats for the show, 100 VIP ringside seat tickets which sold for $100 apiece. Using values adjusted for inflation, a VIP ticket cost nearly $800, in 2016 dollars. All of the profits were to be used for the construction of the USS Arizona Memorial. Over 3000 people greeted Elvis upon his arrival at Honolulu International Airport. The concert alone raised $52,000, which was 17% of the total goal for the memorial. While it wasn't enough to completely fund the construction, the performance spread awareness about the fundraiser with an additional $10,000 being personally donated by Elvis and Colonel Parker. Today, people visiting the Arizona Memorial can see the plaque that thanks Elvis and his fans for their contributions to the monument, which was dedicated and built over the next year. The Arizona Memorial today is a symbol of the men aboard the USS Arizona who now stand eternal watch. Attracting over a million visitors annually, the Arizona Memorial makes for an exciting morning of activities....
** [[w:Pearl Harbor Visitors Bureau|Pearl Harbor Visitors Bureau]]'s laud of Elvis Presley, as one of the largest personal contributors to the Memorial.

* I predict that Elvis Presley's star will fall as quickly as it rose...
** [[w:Drew Pearson (journalist)|Drew Pearson]], columnist, discussing his impact on society in 1956 as noted in one of his early 1957 NBC TV Washington  Merry Go round episodes.
** [w:Drew Pearson (journalist)|Drew Pearson]], columnist, discussing his impact on society in 1956 as noted in one of his early 1957 NBC TV Washington Merry Go round episodes.

* Maybe you've heard or seen of him, a country star whose striking accessories -- not to mention his acrobatic voice, are  evocative of Elvis. 
** About [[w:Orville Peck|Orville Peck]], a country mmusician who wears a fringed mask that obscures most of his face, in an article by Scottie Andrew and published at CNN's March 5, 2022 onñine edition. 

*I played trombone for Elvis in 1972, on many of his tours that year.  In a technical sense – air, attack, tone, key and rhythm, yes he was very very good. He had great gut instincts, tremendous talent and abilities and was not shy about saying what he wanted or when he thought that something was wrong or could be done better.  But more important than that is the fact  he was an entertainer. He understood his role and knew how to move an audience. His phrasing an expression showed talent that was natural
** Randall Peede, retired engineering entrepreneur,  pro musician and educator, answering a question on whether Elvis was as talented as most people portray him to be and  as published on [[w:Quora|Quora]] on August 25, 2018.

* In America, Elvis Presley and Martin Luther King have wonderful memorial museums...
** [[w:Pelé|Pelé]], in his autobiography, after whose release, the idea of a museum of his life was finally born, its opening a year later taking  place  in Santos, the city that first saw him play.

* Roald Dahl  and  Stephen King are my Elvis Presley and my Beatles'
** [[w:Paul Pen|PaulPen]],  Spanish author of literary fiction, thriller and suspense, answering who were his greatest influences, as noted in Papel en blanco̪s Jul 8, 2014 edition

* In the 1962 film &quot;Kid Gallahad&quot;, Presley portrayed a young man just out of the Army, training to be a prizefighter. He was helped on set by boxing trainer Al Silvani and former welterweight champion “Mushy” Callahan. Since the film's release, the location has drawn Presley fans from around the globe. Real estate broker Robin Oates was one of 50 Idyllwild Elementary School students who were extras. He remembers meeting Presley at age 11 and recalls that it was a “big thrill, pulling three or four kids out of our school and have us for the day. We’d go into one of the local restaurants that the film crew rented. Elvis and others from the film crew would throw a football in the street nearby during breaks. One time, several of us were told to stand in a certain area. Then, he appeared out of nowhere and gave us each an autograph. At night, fans would hang out in front of the house where he was staying. In 2016, 54 years after the movie was shot there, visitors continue to come on tour say, from the UK, to see the lodge. Bob Smith, volunteer archivist with Idyllwild Area Historical Society, escorted them. “It was a pilgrimage,” says Smith, with a smile.
** [[w:Julie Pendray|Julie Pendray]], published on November 13, 2016 at Palm Springs life.

* I love his voice
** [[w:Luciano Pavarotti|Luciano Pavarotti]], to a UPI reporter, in 1972, at Memohis Airport.

* It was precisely the creation of my chocolat Eiffel Tower, when I was 21, that led me first to Paris, then to Frankfort, in Germany. There I met Catalina Liz, a Spaniard in whose cafeteria I worked, and which was visited several times by  Elvis Presley, then with the US Army. He loved my pastries, really.
** World renown Spanish pastry chef and baker [[w:Santiago Perez|Santiago Perez]] in an interview for his hometown's Diario de Leon, published on 31 October, 2016

* This boy had everything. He had the looks, the moves, the manager, and the talent. And he didn't look like Mr. Ed like a lot of the rest of us did. In the way he looked, way he talked, way he acted – he really was different. We have sadly lost the most popular man to have ever walked on this earth since Christ. But even back then, when people would laugh at his sideburns and his pink coat and call him 'sissy' -- he had a pretty hard road to go. In some areas motorcycle gangs would come to the shows. They would come to get Elvis, but he never worried about it. He went right out and did his thing and before the show was over, they were standing in line to get his autograph too. God intended for Elvis Presley to do what he allowed him to do. That's why he made him so good looking. I used to get close to him, tried to find a fault so I could go out and tell the world that he had  a big mole back here, but, nah, he had no mole back there. Rock and roll is where it is today because the front door of this studio was opened and that kid walked in here and moved an awesome mountain that sat in the way for people like me who might never have gotten anywhere. And he was my friend..
** [[w:Carl Perkins|Carl Perkins]], as published in www.graceland.com and about education.com

* I felt there was a man there who truly cared about people. But his life was on a level that my life was not on. I felt like Phillip Dunne [director] fawned all over Elvis. Elvis' attitude was – I saw Elvis looking around that set and summing up people faster than anyone else could have, and I felt that after a short period of time he was disappointed in Phillip Dunne, but he was too polite and well behaved to say anything. He tried very hard to make this film better than his other movies, and you saw him trying and asking questions. And I just believe the sad thing is that [the director] did not have the ability to help Elvis through it. I remember one scene; we were sitting in the truck, and we were supposed to be driving home from a dance or going to a dance, and in the script he was supposed to break into song, turn on the radio and start singing. And to me it was like &quot;yuk,&quot; I was very young and I thought, &quot; my sisters are going to tease me, this is so embarrassing and tasteless.&quot; You see, I was a snob, too. But – and this was the nicest thing – while we were rehearsing, finally the director walked away, and Elvis looks at me and says, &quot;God, this is so embarrassing. Nobody would ever do this in real life. Why are they making me do this? He never used his star power – never. Maybe he should have. Maybe he did it on some level, but he sure didn't do it on the set. I felt like he was younger than me, this very humble person who would make statements that he believed in. All I know is that there was a person there with a refined heart and soul, and I say refined on any level you want to look at it. When you meet someone like that, you know they're there,The essence of Elvis was a fine person as I've ever met.
** Actress [[w: Millie Perkins|Millie Perkins]], Elvis 'co star in the 1961 film Wild in the Country and who played the role of Gladys Presley in the 1990 TV Miniseries &quot;Elvis&quot;.

*  Elvis Presley released hundreds of records throughout a career that spanned slightly more than two decades. He also starred in thirty-one feature films and two documentaries. He was photographed throughout his career, and images of him on film are part of the American visual experience. However, he only sat for one portrait painter, [[w:Ralph Wolfe Cowan|Ralph Wolfe Cowan]]
** [[w:Edmund Warren Perry Jr.|Warren Perry]], Curator at the  the National Portrait Gallery, as published at the Smithsonian-s January 8, 2010 edition.

* I don't like that. I mean, I could understand if I was Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Luke Perry|Luke Perry]] telling RollingStone magazine, in 1992,  how he disliked the cult-like following he had gained as one of the lead actors in ̊&quot;Beverly Hills, 90210&quot;, mobbed as he was with young girls chasing him wherever he would go and as published in his  March 4,2019 Yahoo obituary,

* You couldn't take your eyes off of him.&quot;
** [[w:Joe Perry|Joe Perry]], lead guitarist for Aerosmith, as published in www.graceland.com

* I had my head over in it and he came out of the back parking lot and asked if I liked it. I was still standing there with my mouth open but managed to compliment him on his choice. He said that the one which he had just picked was his,  but that he will buy me one. So,  he caught me by the arm and carried me back to the parking lot where he had come from and told me to pick one out. So I picked a gold and white model that listed for about $11,500 ($81,689.66 in 2019 money). Apparently, he had learned that my birthday was the next Tuesday, so  he wished  me a Happy Birthday, gave me a check, and the car keys and this inspite of me telling him that my husband Troy and I already owned a Cadillac, a 1974 model. But that didn't bother him, as  he then just  told me to keep the  check, or give it to my husband or whatever we wanted to do with it.
** [[w:Los Angeles Times|Mennie L. Person]], an African American bank teller in the Memphis metropolitan area to whom Elvis gave a Caddy, as reported by the Los Angeles Times on July 30,1975

* He phoned me and asked me if I would mind if he recorded 'The Wonder of You.' I said, 'You don't have to ask permission; you're Elvis Presley.' He said, 'Yes, I do. You're Ray Peterson.
** [[w:Ray Peterson|Ray Peterson]], as published by David Neal in the Originals

* I'd never thought much about rock 'n' roll until that moment, when I both caught the Elvis fever and kicked off my love of music. And I never got rid of it. There was a huge crowd, the biggest crowd I've ever seen in the streets of Ocala and then, I swear to God, a line of white Cadillacs pulled in, and I was standing up on a box to see over everyone's head, because a big roar started up when the cars pulled in. Guys in mohair suits began bounding out of each car. Is that Elvis?, I muttered every time. He finally stepped out radiant as an angel. He seemed to glow and walk above the ground. It was like nothing I'd ever seen in my life. At 50 yards, we were stunned by what this guy looked like, and then he came walking right towards uncle Earl, aunt Ellen and little old me!!! I still don't know, to this day, what he said to us, because I was just too dumbfounded. And then he went into his trailer. The day after, I learned all of those early Elvis songs and having that kind of background in rock 'n' roll, of where it had come from, has served me to this day. It became an invaluable thing to have. So for that, I thank him.
**[[w:Tom Petty|Tom Petty]], recalling how at age 10, he met face to face with Elvis during the filming of &quot;Follow that dream&quot;, in Ocala, Florida, in July of 1961.

* Fany was his country's most famous and finest guitarist. In 1946, he moved to the Republic of South Africa as a migrant miner, recorded with [[w:Miriam Makeba|Miriam Makeba]], his guitar work not matched there either. Known as the Elvis Presley of the Marrabenta style he is credited with expanding on it with modern influences from Johannesburg.
** About [[w:Fany Pfumo|Fany Pfumo]], Mozambican-born singer mainly active in South Africa, considered one of the founders of the Marrabenta music style and scene, as reported in Zambia's Business Day on February 20, 2018

* His face darkened into a frown, but he managed to finish 'All Shook Up'. Then with his eyes flashing, he pointed to Scotty Moore and addressed the crowd. &quot;He got egg on his guitar, Whoever threw that will never make the Yankeesǃǃ&quot;  After a moment's pause, which did not cool his ire, he  again faced the crowd 'Most of you people came here to enjoy the show, the guy who threw the egg will never make it. I mean it, Jack, we're just trying to put on a nice show'. The guilty were William Quinn 20, from  New York,William B Oates, 21 of Brooklyn, James Stark, 20 of Greenport, New York and John Eidt, 20 of New York City, and they  spent the night in jail.
** The [[w:Philadelphia Bulletin|Philadelphia Sunday Bulletins]] account of the incident involving four Vilanova students during the second of his Philly  show in the spring  of 1957,as printed on their April 7, 1957 edition.

* So often in the careers of great men and women of history, there came a point in time where they were told their talents were not sufficient to realize their dreams. In the case of Elvis Presley, these words came early and often. But by the end of the 1950'a he was a musical phenomenon who electrified millions of attendees at his live performances. Until his untimely death in 1977, Elvis had an indisputable role in creating the modern American musical landscape and the development of a unique youth culture. Elvis' importance to the inception of rock and roll, and contemporary music as a whole, cannot be overstated, his image transcending the categories of the music he played and the movies he starred in to become a cornerstone of modern pop culture. Depicted in every material form imaginable, his estate at Graceland remains a pilgrimage site for fans of his music. In February of 1961, at a charity luncheon and concert arranged by the record company with the Governor of Tennessee present, RCA Records presented him with a plaque commemorating the 75 million records he had sold worldwide, the first artist in history to reach this impressive milestone. Accompanying this plaque, RCA Records also gifted Elvis with an 18-karat white gold and diamond Omega wristwatch, purchased by them at Tiffany &amp; Co. The concert itself was an immense success, raising $51,612 (close to a half a million in 2018 dollars) for various charities. Sometime in 1962, the watch was exchanged by Presley to the current owner's uncle after the latter had expressed his admiration for the timepiece during a chance meeting inside a lounge at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. We are proud and thrilled to present, for auction, what once belonged to the man who simply said, in response to questions regarding his popularity, &quot;All I do is sing and dance a little.&quot; It is, without a doubt, a superb vintage timepiece with one of the most fascinating provenances to ever appear on the world auction market.
** Auction house [[w:Phillips (auctioneers)|Phillips]]'s laud of Elvis Presley on the eve of the sale, at their Geneva branch, of an historic watch given to Elvis in March of 1961 by RCA after selling the first 75 million records of his career. The auction itself took place on May 12, 2018, the watch selling for US$1.8 million, the largest sum ever paid for an Omega wristwatch.

* Get yasself a wheelbarrow load of mad hogs, run ’em through the front door, and tell ’em Phillips sentcha. This is Red Hot and Blue comin’ atcha from the magazine floor of the Hotel Chisca. And now we got somethin' new gonna cut lost, DEE-GAWWWW! cut LOOSE! Good people, this is Elvis Presley
** WHBQ DJ **[[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]],  introducing for the first time the music of the  19-year-old Elvis to the listeners of his &quot;Red, Hot &amp; Blue&quot; show in July of  1954, as recounted in Colin Escott's book, “Good Rockin’ Tonight: Sun Records and the Birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll.”

* Society, Lord Byron predicted, will eventually narrow into two tribes, “the Bores and Bored.” If so, maybe Elvis should shoulder some blame. The illusion of consensus found in the title of his 1959 collection “50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can’t Be Wrong” — a “customer is always right” moment for pop music — suggests a broad democratic crowd, immune to second-guessing. But not even Elvis would have believed that. Today, the title has been parodied so much — self-deprecatingly (Blues Traveler's “1,000,000 People Can’t Be Wrong”), hubristically (“100,000,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong”) — that whatever truth it once contained in Elvis- case is buried beneath geological layers of cynicism.
**[[w:Michael Phillips (critic)|Michael Phillips]] reviewing  the movie &quot;Phantom Thread&quot; for the Chicago Tribune in an article in which he demonizes today's nitpicking audiences and entitled ‘Star Wars‘ nitpickers, Picasso naysayers: When audiences fail artists&quot; as published by the Kaplan Herald on 20 January 2018.

* But what struck me most was his quality of genuine humility – humility mixed with intense determination. He was, innately, one of the most introverted people who had ever come into the studio, but for that reason one of the bravest, too. He reminded me of many of the great early blues singers who had come to SUN, in fact his insecurity was so markedly like that of a black person. On July 5, 1954, he sang everything he knew – pop stuff, spirituals, just a few words of [anything] he remembered. He watched me intently through the glass of the control room window – I was no longer taping, and in almost every respect this session had to be accounted a dismal failure, but still there was something. Every so often he looked up at me, as if for approval: was he doing all right? I just nodded and said &quot;You're doing just fine. Now just relax. Let me hear something that really means something to you now.&quot; Soothing, crooning, my gaze locked into his. Finally they decided to take a break. It was late, he was clearly discouraged, and everybody had to work the next day. Maybe, I thought, they ought to just give it up for the night, come back on Tuesday and try again. Scotty and Bill were sipping Cokes, not saying much of anything. I was doing something in the control room and, as Elvis explained it afterwards, &quot;this song popped into my mind that I had heard years ago, and I started kidding around with [it]. It was an up-tempo song called &quot;That's All Right, Mama&quot;, an old blues number by Arthur &quot;Big Boy&quot; Crudup. &quot;All of a sudden,&quot; said Scotty, &quot;Elvis just started singing this song, jumping around and acting the fool, and then Bill picked up his bass, and he started acting the fool, too, and I started playing with them. I think I had the door to the control booth open so I stuck my head out and said, 'What are you doing?' And they said, 'We don't know'. 'Well, back up,' I said, 'try to find a place to start, and do it again.'
** Producer [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]], on what took place at the SUN studios on July 5, 1954, the day the unusual and timeless musical talent of one Elvis Aaron Presley was discovered, as detailed by writer and Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick in an article on the Independent, published on October 30, 2015.

* I just love Elvis' singing. And I am his biggest fan
** US sopaano [[w:Marguerite Piazza|Marguerite Piazza]], in an interview with the AP, after meeting Elvis on October 1, 1957

* Forty years ago, I had the privilege of studying for a doctorate, at this same university, where you and your wife studied law and I still feel nostalgic about Harvard, about Elvis Presley, about Edgar Allan Poe, and about Martin Luther King. So I toast to you, Mr. President.
** Chile's President [[w:Sebastian Piñera|Sebastian Piñera]], toasting US President [[w:Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], at the VIP state dinner he offered his opposite number, held at their alma mater in March of 2011, and as recounted and published by Josh Gerstein of POLITICO 44, also present at the dinner.

*  I had successfully shoved all those fantastic automobiles to the back of my mind and had curtailed ‘‘if only’s’ to a passing moment of idle retrospection until I was looking at the autographs on the Autographs Ink stand at the Memorabilia show and realised that if I had kept the cars and had the foresight to have an autograph book handy throughout my career I would be heading into the sunset with my future assured. For instance Elvis Presley. His moniker changes hands at a cool couple of grand and upwards.  In 1960 and 1961 was in a karate dojo with him  in LA and even got to do a kata or two with him at his home in Perugia Way.  And I had a morale advantage over him. He kicked me on the chest once  and was terribly apologetic. That was the time when I should have moved in on him and demanded a couple of dozen signatures. In fact, why didn't I whack a load of 10&quot; X 8&quot; in front of him and say “Sign”. LOL
** [[w:Ingrid Pitt|Ingrid Pitt]],Polish-British actress, author, and writer best known for her work in horror films of the 1960s and 1970s, in her own online page,

* Once upon a time, all we knew about Elvis was that he sang like a motherfucker; and that was all that mattered; you know, when you gas up and you go to pay inside the gas station and you hear Elvis singing Surrender, (1961), you know that the mystery of that guy, was everything; the voice, and the mystery, and the not knowing; and I think the great thing about anything that you hear over the waves is, you don't want to know too much, you know?
** [[w:Robert Plant|Robert Plant]], lead singer of [[Led Zeppelin]], explaining to critic Rub Trucks why he loves the mystery of the southern United States, and his debt to Elvis, whose music influenced him the most, as published on the Village Voice, on June 3, 2008

* After I won my first Masters in 1961, I received an invitation telegram from Elvis.  A telegram, not as easy as a text is today. We were playing in Los Angeles and I went to the set of ‘Blue Hawaii’ where Elvis was finalizing the filming. He saw me walk in the room and yelled ‘CUT!’ The gentleman he was, Elvis went and put a jacket before he came to shake my hand. Elvis was just starting to play golf and asked for a few swing tips. He gave me a practice swing, and I swear, it was like a cow giving birth to a roll of barbwire. So, I adjusted his grip and told him he really had to use his hips during the downswing. He said, ‘Baby, you’re talking to the right man.’ And gave us all a little shake. Memories are the cushions on life, but what a gentleman he was. He was my age, yet died so young, a tragedy, a man who could give EVEN so much MORE to society.
** [[w:Gary Player|Gary Player]], a national of South Africa widely regarded as one of the best player in the history of golf, as reported by Forbes on December 4, 2018 and kansascity.com/sports/golf/article104157116.html#storylink=cpy

*  A grade schooler in western Kentucky when Elvis came on the scene, I had grown up with his music and movies. When his tragic death occurred in August of 1977, I was a young pastor in middle Tennessee. The following Sunday, my sermon was titled “Heartbreak Hotel.” That morning I shared my grief with many others. Elvis was the type of person such that many who had never seen him in person felt they knew him — personally. Some folks will declare with deep conviction that Elvis led many people astray and that he is burning in hell.  Others are just as strongly convinced that, by God's grace and a faith he sang and spoke of, he is in heaven. Daring not to judge or speculate, I can simply hope that he is in heaven. I have no answer to whether there will be concerts in heaven, but the Bible makes it clear that there will be plenty of singing.
** Steve Playl, a chaplain, columnist, college instructor and former pastor writing for the  [[w:Bristol Herald Courier|Bristol Herald Courier]], on the 43rd anniversary of Elvis death, in an article entitled &quot;A Sunday afternoon eating at Boonies and remembering Elvis&quot;, as published in the said paper's August 22, 2020 edition.

* Elvis Presley has been described variously as a baritone and a tenor. An extraordinary compass- the so-called register-, and a very wide range of vocal color have something to do with this divergence of opinion. The voice covers two octaves and a third, from the baritone low-G to the tenor high B, with an upward extension in falsetto to at least a D flat. Presley's best octave is in the middle, D-flat to D-flat, granting an extra full step up or down. Call him a high baritone. In &quot;It's'now or never&quot;, (1960), he ends it in a full voice cadence (A, G, F), that has nothing to do with the vocal devices of R&amp;B and Country. That A-note is hit right on the nose, and it is rendered less astonishing only by the number of tracks where he lands easy and accurate B-flats. Moreover, he has not been confined to one type of vocal production. In ballads and country songs he belts out full-voiced high G's and A's that an opera baritone might envy. He is a naturally assimilative stylist with a multiplicity of voices – in fact, Elvis' is an extraordinary voice, or many voices.
** [[w:Henry Pleasants (music critic)|Henry Pleasants]], in his book &quot;The Great American Popular Singers&quot; (1974)

* Growing up, Elvis Presley's quasi-gospel ballad &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot; was the first secular recording allowed inside their strict &quot;Church of God in Christ&quot; home in West Oakland, California. Ruth, Anita, Bonnie, and June were only allowed to listen to the radio on Sundays and on top of that, it had to be gospel stations. Years later, Anita, reflected on the fact that it was &quot;so unbelievable that someone like Elvis Presley could relate to the story in their song 'Fairytale' and want to record it&quot;. She thought Elvis &quot;did it beautifully and was very pleased with his version, capturing the emotion in the song&quot;, as he did. Ruth &quot;also spoke positively of Elvis's final album 'Moody Blue' and defended him against charges of any cultural appropriation&quot;
** About the [[w:Pointer Sisters|Pointer Sisters]] and their love for Elvis music, ever since they heard &quot;Crying in the chapel&quot;, a gospel song whose Elvis version their mother liked very much, following an interview with Ken Sharp, for his book &quot;Writing for Elvis&quot;.

* One of Elliott's properties is the Rail Haven Inn/Best Western. at 203 S. Glenstone Ave., which has a unique room — one that attracts travelers from out-of-state as well as locals. It's the Elvis Room — where a 21-year-old Elvis Presley stayed in 1956 after a performance at Springsfield's Shrine Mosque. As far as anyone knows, the room suffered no damage.
** Steve Pokim writing for the [[w:Springfield News Leader|Springfield News Leader]], in an article published on 13 January 2008 and entitled @Why's it so difficult for Springfield residents to book at Springfield. MO hotels?&quot;
 
*  Think of Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland-  It was once just a house, now it’s a shrine.
** [[w:Joshua Pollard|Joshua Pollard]], British archaeologist's explanation for why since the neolythic times people have commemorated homes with stone monuments, as is the case in the [[w:Avebury|Avebury]]  henge containing the world’s largest stone circle, in an article published in the New Scientist̪s 10 April 2019 edition

*  When I was a kid, we moved from Canada to the US, first to Pasadena, then to Palm Springs. This guy who lived across the street was the PS's airport manager and he really liked us, so he’d tip us off when famous people were flying in. One day, he told us Elvis Presley was flying in at 3 p.m. and if we showed up we could meet him. He let us ride with our bikes on the tarmac and then, this private plane landed, the steps came down and... there was Elvis. We ran towards him and he picked me up and swung me around, hugged my sister, signed autographs, and talked to us. Finally, one of his guys told him they had to go, but as they drove off, he rolled down his window and waved goodbye to us all the way down the road. He was so nice, really cool and it was so great to meet him and shake his hand..
** Singer [[w:Steve Poltz|Steve Poltz]], reflecting on his younger days and on songwriting, in an interview with Tom Lounges for 2ONE9, as published on November 10, 2016.

* The emergent cultural wars between Mexico and the US over rock 'n' roll, however, took a dramatic turn on 19 February 1957 when a comment gleaned from an alleged border interview with Elvis Presley appeared in Mexico's largest newspaper, &quot;Excelsior&quot;, in which the rock 'n' roll star was quoted as saying,  &quot;I'd rather kiss three black girls than a Mexican.&quot; Two days later,  a Mexican woman was quoted in the same column as saying, &quot;I'd rather kiss three dogs than one Elvis Presley.&quot; At first unnoticed by the public at large, this exchange soon unleashed a torrent of anti-Presley criticism, his records were burnt at the Zocalo, and he was denied radio airplay, all of which while sustaining  a powerful backlash against Presley and the mass media itself. Most people now dismiss the remark as completely false, some even attributing it to an act of political vengeance against him. In fact, it had been started by a high-up Mexican tycoon  who wanted to contract Presley for a private birthday party, for which he sent him a blank check to fill in as he wished. Presley, according to the story, returned the blank check, so the tycoon, extremely offended, and with the help of a top politician, invented the storyline about Elvis not liking Mexican women.
**  Herbe Pompeyo, of [[w:PolyGram|PolyGram]] Records' Mexican branch, explaining how the first of eventually four Elvis bans  (airplay in 1957, stores in  1959, theatres in 1961 and finally entrance into the country,  in late 1962),  came into being and as referenced in page 42 of the book &quot;Elvis Refried&quot; by Eric Zolev.  The tycoon's identity has yet to be disclosed but the  politician was thought to have been the 3 term  Mayor of Mexico City, Ernesto P Uruchurtu, &quot;The Iron Regent&quot;, as he was called, who was in turn the nephew of Senator Manuel Uruchurtu Ramírez,  who later gained international notoriety for being  Mexico's only passenger at the RMS  [[w:Titanic|Titanic]].

* Once a year Parkes, a sleepy mining town in rural Australia, explodes into colour and song hosting a five-day festival and extravaganza to celebrate Elvis Presley, now billed as the southern hemisphere’s biggest tribute to the superstar. The town’s transformation extends beyond this year’s Parkes Elvis Festival generating A$13 million (US$9.3 million) for the local economy as more than 27,000 people visited to attend some 200 themed events. &quot;It’s helped the whole economy&quot;, noted Parkes Motel owner Andrew Porter of the frenzied growth in tourists. The New South Wales state government is projecting an injection of Aus $43 million (US̩30.6 million) into the wider region surrounding Parkes this year due to the festival, a much-needed source of income amid a severe drought as the event has helped develop Parkes' service economy – and its numbers.  This extends to the sporting field with another regular fixture – a rugby game – featuring teams with players wearing copies of his trademark white jumpsuit. The population has increased by four percent to around 12,000 in the past decade, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in sharp contrast to the declining or static trend in other regional and rural towns. Inspired by the Parked Elvis Festival huge  success, other small towns have started their own events such as the [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]Festival in nearby Trundle and the [[w:Bob Marley|Bob Marley]] Festival in Kandos, said University of Wollongong Human Geography expert Chris Gibson, who has compiled a database of some 2,800 festivals across the country...
** Andy Porter and Chris Gibson,  as interviewed  for the {{w|Free Malaysia Today}}, on the impact of the Elvis Parkes, Australia yearly Festival, as noted on their January 24, 2019 edition in an article entitled ̊&quot;All shook up: How Elvis keeps Aussie outback town alive&quot;

* Steve Sholes, who produced the session, said, “Roll the tape.” And I said, “But I haven't heard the song yet!” And he said, “Roll the tape, Bill!” and I look and the studio is totally black out there. I can't see a thing. I said, “You're kidding!” He said, “No, roll the tape!”. So, I roll the tape and I don't know what's going to happen. And a guitar starts off, and then a bass comes in, and Elvis starts singing. And I still can't see a thing in the studio. And I'm afraid to turn any mikes off because somebody may come in and start playing. All of a sudden, Elvis stops singing and just starts talking. And I say to myself, “This is awful!” because you don't normally put a lot of echo on dialogue. And I thought, next take I'll just turn it down, so we just did the take all the way through. If you listen to the dialogue, the echo matches the effect, because he says, “And the stage is bare, and I'm standing there…”. Later, I said, “How about that echo?”. Sholes said, “Screw the echo, that's a hit!”. And it was done in one take...
** [[w:Bill Porter (sound engineer)|Bill Porter]], RCA`s foremost recording engineer and one of the creators of &quot;The Nashville Sound&quot;, explaining to Michael Fermer how &quot;Are you lonesome tonight&quot; (1960) came into being, with the lights totally turned off, at Elvis´ insistence so as to create the best atmosphere possible, but without Porter knowing about it. (Published in MusicAngle.com)

* This was a white kid in the 1950s going on Beale Street, learning from masters of black music like Roy Hamilton, Jackie Wilson and others. He was different, interesting, but not something you felt the magnitude of at first – not until you heard Dewey Phillips playing 'That's All Right' on [his radio show] 'Red, Hot &amp; Blue'. Hearing what he was doing, singing black music with a confidence and a uniqueness, made me and other African-American talents say, 'This guy has something'. And he did! We felt that maybe he was opening up a market that had been not fully opening up to black music, breaking down barriers to a greater appreciation of what black music truly was. That opened up more doors for artists like Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Fats Domino, Brook Benton and so many others. We felt that maybe he was opening up a market that had been not fully opening up to black music, breaking down barriers to a greater appreciation of what black music truly was. That opened up more doors for artists like Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Fats Domino, Brook Benton and so many others. He was soulfully expressing the songs with an r'n'b flair, showing what black music was through his perspective.  What Elvis did for me was cement in my mind the great potential reach of r'n'b and soul music. The credibility that he bought to it, whether he viewed it that way or not, doesn't matter, because this was the net result. What Elvis did for me was cement in my mind the great potential reach of r'n'b and soul music. The credibility that he bought to it, whether he viewed it that way or not, doesn't matter, because this was the net result.This documentary gives the complete picture of the person, his greatness, some of his secrets, some of his ups, some of his downs and an abundance of his power. And people would love to  see how much of a production role Elvis had in the music that he made.
**[[w:David Porter (musician)|David Porter]], African American record producer, songwriter, singer, entrepreneur and philanthropist, speaking about the documentary &quot;Elvis The Searcher&quot;, an HBO 2018 production.

* I think Elvis was just a beautiful singer He had the swag. He had the sauce.
** Rapper Post Malo[[w:ne|Post Malone]], in an interview with Spin, published on 20 November 2017

* The 21st century is beginning to see (and hear) things differently, though, and many of us now take a broader view of Caruso's art and achievement (and thus) when  Ben Watt compares  the great tenor with Elvis Presley is a sign of more enlightened times. The digital age gives us unfettered access to the whole of music, unfiltered by snobbery and tradition, and perhaps Caruso can be released from the stale old classical ghetto. In his time, he was indeed as good as Elvis.
** [[w:John Potter (musician)|John Potter]], UK  tenor and academic, as published  on Highbrow magazine  on 26 August 2019 in an article entitled  &quot;As Hip as Elvis: Caruso the Pop Idol&quot;

* I'm customized to do everything I shouldn't do, I've learned all that I know by stubbornness and (the) blue I got my schooling more or less on the street, My eyes have seen a thing or two. And though my heart has made me weary,I like everything about you, yes I do, yes I do, yes I do, yes. I like the way you look, the way that you talk I like the way that you move when you walk, My mind is set on you,My pelvis is on fire And I can't shake it off
** [[w:Michael Poulsen|Michael Poulsen]]'s 2019  song dedicated to Elvis Presley,  as  noted in an article published on Loudwire's July 26, 2019 edition.

* Elvis was a (Gospel) singer par excellence. On &quot;Milky White Way&quot;, (1960), he' got the strength of a bassman and the sweetness of a tenor. The heritage we have in Elvis' gospel music is a gift to the world.
** Paul Poulton, as published in &quot;Cross Rhythms&quot; magazine {{fix cite}}

* There was a real threat of danger, a cold war with an iron curtain and there was a Soviet army stacked up on the other side, so those were serious times. He was just another soldier, he was Elvis Presley but at the same time they assigned him in accordance with the needs of the service and unlike others who have gone in the military from celebrity life and essentially used their talents to entertain troops, he was a scout. Despite living in a house &quot;off post&quot;, when it came to the field Elvis Presley was not a celebrity and I think his fellow soldiers respected him for his dedication even though he was as famous as he was. When I met him, he was out in the field and he was recognized for his professional performance in the Third Division which I, interestingly, subsequently commanded 28 years later and it occupied the shallowest part of NATO battle front. Elvis' unit and my unit were in that division and we had the toughest job and it was a time of heightened tension. Anyway, we were in this wooded area and I was driving along in my jeep and somebody noted that, there he was. When I walked over to him he saluted and was very proper and what struck me was that he looked just like another GI. Other than the fact that he was REALLY Elvis Presley, he acted, and I saw him, as just another soldier, in the woods, kind of dirty, doing a job...&quot;
** General [[w:Colin Powell|Colin Powell]], former Chairman of the US Joint Chief of Staff and Secretary of State, abridged from his autobiography My American Journey and a BBC interview, in 2005.

* The Denver Zoo hopes that 11-year-old polar bear, Cranbeary may be expecting. But to be sure, staff sent a sample of her poop to an expert at predicting polar bear pregnancies – Elvis, a beagle working with the Cincinnati Zoo. It is nearly impossible to determine if polar bears are pregnant through traditional tests, so zoos are trying this new approach. Denver Zoo is one of 17 zoos with possibly-pregnant polar bears that have gathered up samples for Elvis to examine. Elvis has a 97 percent success rate in determining polar bear pregnancy and we are anxiously waiting to find out if Cranbeary the polar bear might become a momma bear this year!
** Erin Powell and  Kyle Clark, reporting for [[w:KUSA (TV)|NBC's Channel 9  News]] on the extraordinary power to confirm polar bears' pregnancies of a  dog named after Elvis, as aired on October 26, 2018.

* As to Elvis, some experts believe that the release of music he did not approve in life can reward his fans, but at the same time could end up hurting his legacy over the long term. While alive, he almost always only released music he thought was great but after his death, many of the songs he thought were not, were released on new albums. This is one reason many artists prefer to keep their material under wraps forever.
** PPCORN, in an article entitled &quot;From Amy Winehouse to the Beatles: Six Controversies Over Posthumous Albums&quot;, as published on February 6, 2018.

* When you got the last name Presley everybody's gonna get the question, are you related to Elvis? Well, my granddaddy and Elvis' granddaddy where brothers. In fact mine carried Elvis and Gladys down to visit Vernon, his daddy, at the state penitentiary, when he did a little time for altering a check
** {{w|Brandon Presley}}, Elvis second cousin, born on the same year of Elvis' death, Mayor of Nettleton, MS, and its Public Service Commissioner for Northern Mississippi, in an article published at the Washington Examiner on August 26, 2018

*I would continue to do the Elvis Presley show because it is something that's been in my life for years and I won't let it down,
** Elvis D. Presley, the [[w:Libertarian Party (United States)|Libertarian Party]]' candidate for Arkansas' 1st Congressional District in the U.S. House's  2018 elections, in an article published on The Daily Dot̪s November 3, 2018 edition.

* It hit home when I turned 42 as that was the age when my father died. I have moments when I wish he had lived to see my children, and I speak to my little ones about him. I tell them who he was and we all love his music.
** {{w|Lisa Marie Presley}}, wishing her children Danielle, Benjamin, Harper and Finley had met her dad, in an interview with Leah Simpson of Digital Spy, and published on 17 October of 2012

* i) I still find myself captivated by many of Elvis's songs, his style of translating lyrics with music giving the listener the sense that even though he's singing, he's speaking his feelings and living them throughout the song. When I listen to “Don’t,” which he recorded when he was only 22-years-old, I can't imagine anyone else singing this heartfelt song with such an emotional connection to the words. ii)his taste was so diverse. Yes, country, rhythm and blues, black music,  but he also loved opera and Bach and Brahms. By setting his vocals in a pop-classical context, I wanted to expose him in a way that he never had the opportunity to — wanted to, but never was able to...
** {{w|Priscilla Presley}}, explaining her decision to produce the two albums which dovetail Elvis voice with the sound of Royal Philarmonica-

* I never saw a guitar player that was worth a damn...
** {{w|Vernon Presley}},'s retort to his son the moment he found out he had SERIOUSLY decided to pursue a life in music, in an interview for &quot;Elvis on Tour&quot;, in 1972.

* Elvis laughed, cried, worried about people. He had a generous streak as long as the mighty Mississippi and delighted in being able to help people. He could be angry, funny, sad or happy, just like everyone else. He had all these little traits just like other people, but he was a lot more too. He became a part of our lives and even with his closely guarded privacy, he drew us into his life so willingly and lovingly that he was, in fact, a part of each and every one of us. He made us sing because of his songs, he made us cry at every pain, either mental or physical that he bore, he made us laugh at every little grin he gave, but most of all, he made us love because he gave us love. He gave us himself and asked us for nothing in return.
** [[w:Vester Presley|Vester Presley]], Elvis' uncle, in his book &quot;A Presley speaks&quot;.

* I was about 10 years old, the first time I heard Elvis Presley's voice, pouring from my father's car radio, in East St. Louis, Illinois; I can't recall the song, whether it was a ballad or a rocker (but), what I remember is how his voice, that smoldering rumble of a voice, made my skin tingle; I don't know why, but I just loved his voice, his sound just did something to me.
** Ilva Price, an African American now living in West Memphis, TN, recalling how her father, angry about rumours (later found by &quot;Jet&quot; magazine to be fabricated), that Presley had stolen their music and was a racist, quickly turned off the radio when he noticed her daughter's reaction to his voice, then called him a &quot;cracker&quot;, a racial epithet as disgusting as any other, as told in an interview with Boston Globe staffer Renee Graham, and published in that paper on August 11, 2002

* Elvis recorded “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” and, at every show, he played it. The Beatles, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Fats Domino, James Brown —all the big acts who have ever recorded rock ‘n’ roll at one time recorded it. It was the first rock ‘n’ roll song that made me a teenage idol with both blacks and whites. In 1952, it was called race music. What opened the gate here in America for race music was that generation of young white boys and girls, but when Elvis got in, he opened the door that much wider. In fact, all the chords are the same, they're not black and white, unless it's on paper. The music and melodies never change.
** [[w:Lloyd Price|Lloyd Price]], discussing Elvis in Sumdumhonky: Chatting With Lloyd Price, for tyhe Huffington Post on 08/26/2015.

* He was breathtaking, really, it was very difficult to focus..
** [[w:Pat Priest (actress)|Pat Priest]]'s answer to the question of how hard it was to play a movie scene with Elvis, as told in a retrospective of his motion picture career,  held at Graceland in August of 2017.

* i) I realize I'm part of a musical history and I revere the legacy of my predecessors, so, for instance, when playing live I'll do some of their bombs, or say, we play &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; as a tribute to Elvis. So why Elvis you ask? Well, I was brought up in a black and white world. I dig black and white; night and day, rich and poor, man and woman. I listen to all kinds of music and I want to be judged on the quality of my work, not on what I say, nor on what people claim I am, nor on the color of my skin. ii) I met Elvis Presley at the Dick Clark show at Circus Circus in Las Vegas, a place where a great musical extravaganza with some of the greatest artists of the day always would appear. We were sitting in the audience and Jackie Wilson had just finished his set and then  Dick Clark came out, but before he introduced the next act he wanted to announce someone special had arrived, &quot;Ladies and Gentlemen&quot; The lights went down and all of a sudden spotlights went to the back of the room. I looked around and it was Elvis, He was looking cool and wearing shades. He snatched his shades off as if saying &quot;Hello Everybody!, then came walking down the aisle to his table and he saw Louise, stopped said &quot;Hi Louise. Hi Nikki&quot; and they started talking. I stood up and he said &quot;Hi.&quot; I said &quot;Hi, I'm Pepe. It's nice to meet you.&quot; I shook his hand. He said something else to Louise, and then said &quot;See you later&quot; and went to his table. By the time I was in Las Vegas, I had already met tons of celebrities-- Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells, Dionne Warwick and Wayne Newton. I also met Ike and Tina Turner. I drank champagne with Adam Clayton Powell and I met Redd Foxx but, when I saw Elvis, I said, now that man's a star. It was a different kind of thing.&quot;
** [[w:Prince|Prince]], answering a reporter on why would he cite Elvis Presley as one of his influences, from an interview with &quot;Guitar World&quot;, published in October of 1998.ii) about [[w:Prince|Prince]]'s former mentor, Pepe Willie, talking in a phone interview on May 12, 2013

* The Prince de Galles has counted among its guests Winston Churchill, Marlene Dietrich Elvis Presley and  Pele to name but a few of the long list. It is located in Avenue George V, and it's the eastern neighbour of the Hotel George V. – named after the King of England, who, as we all know, was the father of the Prince of Wales.  The two hotels, however, bear no family relationship...
** [[w:Hôtel Prince de Galles|Hôtel Prince de Galles]]'s description in the Library of Hospitalities' main publication,  entitled the World̪s Greatest Hotels, in famoushotelsorg.

* ( That night) after eleven o'clock, Tony Prince took over on ( Radio) Luxembourg. Dazed, frequently in tears, just quietly playing Elvis records and reminiscing into the small hours, as long as it took him to negotiate his grief. The world stopped for a little while. Not long afterwards, it was time for me to return to school, for the start of my third year, when we were supposed to start taking this education thing seriously. There was some gentle mocking on the part of my classroom peers over Elvis' passing, and it struck me that, for nearly everyone my age (or so it seemed), Elvis didn't speak for them, or to them. It's fair to say that the girls in my class tended to like Abba, Boney M, ELO and David Soul, whereas the boys went for Genesis, Queen, AC/DC and Rush. Elvis was somebody your parents liked, regarded as something of a square. I am not sure whether any of these artists came close to sniffing Elvis shoes, never mind filling them, and in any case nor could they have done; as only Elvis could have unbolted the door, made the impact on life – not just on music – that he did. If the postwar generation wanted to burn, not just forget, “the war,” and not grow up as robotic replicas of their parents, Elvis was the active agent who forced newness through to that society.&quot; ii) When in 1972, I was made president of the Elvis Presley fan club, we took 200 fans to Vegas to see him. Parker invited 11 of us down to the dressing room and suddenly there he was, leaning against the wall. He had a black suit on, and the first thing that hit you was how handsome the guy was. He came over and was very polite, and I started to interview him for my show, The following year I went back, taking my programme director Ken Evans with me. Elvis was one of the few stars Ken had never met. To return the favour, when we arrived in LA, he took my wife Christine and I to spend an afternoon with Mae West. She gave us some carrot cake and tea. Elvis yesterday, Mae West today. We were buzzing! Tony Prince for the Guardian, published on 4 December 2016. Unquote
** i) About Radio Luxemburg's [[w:Tony Prince|Tony Prince]]' reaction to Elvis´ death ii) Tony Prince, for the Guardian, published on 4 December 2016.

* My Fellowship took me to the USA and UK looking at local history – my research problem was to ask where will the next generation of volunteers come from to manage our historical societies – what programs have been successfulin “firing up” a passion for local history? From there, it took me to historical societies scattered amongst the “knee high by the 4th of July” corn fields of Indiana, to Nashville where the American headquarters of local history sits between the Civil War and Elvis Presley, to Illinois, to Washington, to Troy in New York State, New York City, London and finally Norfolk. It was a brilliant mix of the “grass roots” to the more established; from country societies to more urban;from entirely volunteer run, to historical societies with eighty staff; from the “can do”culture in the USA, to well funded from the Heritage Lotter and , policy driven programs in the UK.
** Kate Prinsley, from the Association of Victoria (CFAV),in Australia, recalling her time in the United States as the 2009 [[w:Churchill Fellowship|Churchill Fellow]].
 
* He was good. I mean, all the girls liked him, and there is a film of that performance, somewhere.
**  David Pristash, author of &quot;Diary of a Special Forces Trooper in Vietnam, 1967,&quot; recalling for Brian Albrecht of  &quot;The Plain Dealer&quot; the time he saw the then relatively unknown Elvis perform  at his alma mater, the [[w:Brooklyn High School (Ohio)|Brooklyn High School]], near Cleveland, in an article entitled &quot;John Wayne, Elvis and ‘The Deer Hunter: A Green Beret’s Vietnam service was nothing like the movie&quot; and as published in their January 20, 2019 edition.

* My biggest influence because of his charisma and sheer, pure talent was Elvis Presley. He still influences me today, actually, and with the help of the internet I can watch videos of him performing live anytime I want.
** Canadian Country Music artist [[w:Aaron Pritchett|Aaron Pritchett]], when asked who were his early musical heroes and what inspires him, currently, as published on the 15 January, 2015 online edition on 24Hrs, Vancouver,

* He was in Miss Scriverner's home room with me. She was always bragging about how he would make it big one day. When he won the talent show singing “Old Shep”, she went on and on about it for days. Little did we all know that what she predicted for Elvis would come true in such a huge way.
** Mary Ann Props, [[w:Humes High School|Humes High School]], Class of 1953, recalling their home teacher predictions.

* I dont think as far a screen image is concerned, there is no one like him
** [[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]] in an intervbiew in connexion with the 1993 Elvis stanp.

* Elvis had the biggest impact on me, he captured and embodied the whole thing. He had that rockabilly, rock and roll, pop and ballad thing. He was all wrapped up into one for me. I loved listening to “Heartbreak Hotel” and “Don’t Be Cruel,” and I just looked forward to each and every new song that came out.”
** [[w:Gary Puckett|Gary Puckett]] lead  singer of the Union Gap, explaining to interviewer Rob Nagy, how Presley struck a musical chord for him, early in his career, as published by &quot;The Mercury&quot;, on September 8, 2014

* He had gone through the divorce with Priscilla, but he was definitely there to work. And this guy could do anything vocally. He could croon with Sinatra or scream with Little Richard. And what (I) admired the most about Presley -- then and now -- was his intelligence. especially when it came to human emotions.
** [[w:Norbert Putman|Norbert Putman]], speaking to the Houston Press, on what it meant to play bass with Presley at his 1974 Stax Studous sessions, in Memphis, as published on August 1, 2013.

== Q ==
* The greatest voice of all time.
** &quot;Q&quot; magazine judging panel´s laud of Elvis Presley, from a poll published on their March 4, 2007 issue.

* My own musical ambitions were born when I was five, watching the Ed Sullivan Show on TV. When Elvis Presley burst on to the screen, singing 'Don't Be Cruel,' I felt my first sexual thrill, though I didn't know what it was at the time.
** [[w:Suzi Quatro|Suzi Quatro]], as noted by brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley.html

== R ==
* Based on our company's recent growth, his items have resonated with shoppers, with overall sales in the previous 52-week period ending January 22, 2017 advancing 26% as a result of sale of products bearing his name alone. His is one of the fastest-growing segments in the beauty industry.
** [[w:David Raccuglia|David Raccuglia]], founder and CEO of American Crew, a subsidiary of Revlon, the US top seller in the men's grooming business, explaining the effect Presley products are having in his company's successes and as told in a WWD article on March 31, 2017

* When I was riding the bus to school every morning, I would usually see Elvis sitting at the corner of Alabama and Poplar, listening to a black man in a chair playing a guitar. He wanted to play and sing like that man. He was a country boy with big dreams. After he became famous he did something to thank every person who ever helped him in any way.
** [[w:Mattie Rainey|Mattie Rainey]], Humes High School Class of 1953, on Elvis interest for the blues.

* At age 25, Lennon wrote “Run For You Life,” a jealous, immature rant inspired by Elvis Presley's recording of Arthur Gunter's “Baby, Let’s Play House,” a song written from the perspective of a spurned lover who wants his former girlfriend with college aspirations to return to him. Elvis performed it live with hips a-thrusting, leaving little doubt as to what he had in mind by “house play.” In the last verse Elvis delivers this dire warning: “Now listen to me, baby, try to understand, I’d rather see you dead little girl than to be with another man.” Lennon's song picks up where “Baby, Let’s Play House” finishes, Most disturbingly, at the end of the song Lennon emphasizes his seriousness: “Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I’ve said; baby, I’m determined and I’d rather see you dead.
** [[w:Joe Raiola|Joe Raiola]], Senior Editor, MAD magazine, as published in The Huffington Post on 10 October 2016

* The 2018 Pohottuwa Party victory is a [[w:Mahinda Rajapaksa|Mahinda Rajapaksa]] victory. At all election rallies, the former President was cheered like mad when he arrived on the platform. It reminded me of Elvis Presley, who was virulently hated and deeply loved in equal proportions throughout his career. But Elvis did not care, he continued singing.
** About [[w:Mahinda Rajapaksa|Mahinda Rajapaksa]], former Sri Lankan President, in an article written by Kamalika Pieris and published at the Lankaweb on 30 March, 2018

* I grew up playing sports and listening to Elvis Presley, whose music I favored; in fact, when an opera singer came on the &quot;Ed Sullivan Show&quot;, I'd think 'Turn this off,'&quot;
** [[w:Samuel Ramey|Samuel Ramey]], the world's top bass baritone, as told to &quot;Opera News&quot;, and published in ENotes.Com

* My favourite artists have always been Elvis and The Beatles and they still are!
** [[w:Johnny Ramone|Johnny Ramone]]'s preferences as far as rock music is concerned,as reported in Far Out's January 17,  2022 edition from an 2003 intervew.   

* A singer, at work, is usually thinking only about making it through the song without flubbing it. Look what's involved: breathing plausibly, remembering the lyrics, nailing the high notes, staying with your band or chorus, maintaining a soulful facial expression and looking good. You might also be whacking a guitar. And -- because Presley did -- you also have to move, oscillate, arm-wrestle with the microphone, throttle it, skid across the stage on your knees, fling your head back and spread your arms; and then you want to salt it with what you possess of art...he flings his voice up beyond the grip of gravity, and then surrenders, like a skater in a leap.
** Catherine Rankovic, poet, essayist, instructor, as well as manuscript editor and music and writing coach, as excerpted from her review of Presley`s live performance of &quot;I want you, I need you, I love you&quot;, in the &quot;Steve Allen Show&quot;, (1956), and as published in &quot;The Missouri Review&quot;, Volume XXIV, Number 2, 2001

* Musicians like Elvis Presley and Whitney Houston were strongly rooted in gospel music and in the same vein, many musicians of Christian faith begin their musical journey young. In fact, lessons and performances take place in and around the church.
** Hindu writer [[w:Chatura Rao|Chatura Rao]], discussing Gospel music being a gateway for young professional musicians in her country, over the years, in an article published by The Hindu on 21 December 2017.

* I would have loved to sing a duet with my childhood idols, Elvis and Piaf. And I will soon, thanks to new technology
** [[w:Raphael|Raphael]] in an interview with Europa Press, on 06/10/2014

* I've always said I wish my life could be like an Elvis movie, say &quot;Roustabout and &quot;King Creole. And that if &quot;Cold Case&quot; came back today, and we could could reunite, that we somehow were able to discover that Elvis is still alive.
** [[w:Jeremy Ratchford|Jeremy Ratchford]] in an interview with the Standard, answering what could be different if CBS's [[w:Cold Case|Cold Case]],in which he starred, came back in 2018, as published on 27 July 2018.

* i) In the early 1950's I DJ'ed in a radio program called &quot;Hillbilly Bandwagon&quot;. This was before country music was called country music. So, one day, a guy walks in by the name of Elvis Presley. This was before he was really famous, age 19, I guess. He had come to plug his records at our station, so I had a brief conversation with him. Of course, I was always very proud to have met him, but my wife when I told the story too often, she finally looked at me, smiled as only a wife can smile, and said &quot;I can beat that, HOG....&quot;&quot;, That is how she calls me when she is going to tell me something awesome, and that was when I found out my wife had dated Elvis when she was 16 years old. And now she never ceases to remind me, you know, that if things had gone differently, Elvis Presley would be alive today and anchoring the CBS News ii) Fidel Castro could have been Cuba's Elvis.
** [[w:Dan Rather|Dan Rather]] i) in an 1994 interview with David Letterman and ii) in Townhall, published on the day after Castro's passing.

* We don’t mail Elvis a Social Security check, no matter how many people think he is alive.
** [[w:Jonathan Rauch|Jonathan Rauch]], author and activist, in a 2017 essay for National Review entitled “The Constitution of Knowledge, as published in the News Tribune on October 14th, 2018

* When I think about my family, I listen to André Rieu, a violinist and conductor who is very popular in Europe ( but), when I think about living like it’s my last day on earth, I listen to Elvis Presley
** Gabriele Rausse, Director of Gardens and Grounds at Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s former home and experimental farm in Charlottesville, Va, in an interview to the New York Times and published in the paper's Sunday Review on March 14, 2015.

* I’m inclined to sympathize with Presley in the controversy he’s stirred up. He’s accused of inciting juvenile delinquents. That’s ridiculous. You can’t tie a delinquent kid to a hit record by Presley. Charges against him are unfounded, unfair, and bigoted. People resent his success. He’ll be around a lot longer than most of them think. And his records have stimulated a controversy that’s helped the whole record industry—we have Elvis to thank.”
** [[w:Johnnie Ray|Johnnie Ray]], in an interview in Germany, later published by Variety on its August 21, 1957, issue.

* My mom ans her sisters sang in churches and in 1956 there was an Elvis  tour in Arkansas and he asked them to sing back-up for him.  Unreal..... 
** [[w:Collin Raye|Collin Raye]], recalling  the time when her mother sang for Elvis in Arkansas, in 1956, as told in  Center Stage with the stars, Episode 1, on youtube 

* Historically famous as the birthplace of Elvis, the small northeastern Mississippi city of Tupelo is now also known as an amazing place to live. Forming a triangle with Memphis and Nashville, Tupelo shares a lot of similarities with the two booming cities – including an incredible musical scene, culinary hot spots, and rich history – but unlike its two unchecked growth neighbors to the north, Tupelo has retained all of its character, charm, and, happily, low prices.
** [[w:Reader's Digest|Reader's Digest]]'s laud of Tupelo, MS which the magazine listed as one of the “15 Best Places to Move to in the U.S. (Before They Get Too Crowded),” in an article penned by Melissa Klurman as part of its October 2018 US edition.

* He epitomized America and for that we shall eternally be grateful. There will never be anyone else like him, so lets just rejoice with his music.
** Former California Governor [[w:Ronald Reagan|Ronald Reagan]], in a 1977 speech, as published in 'http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* One Friday night, Tapp and the &quot;Hee Haw&quot; honchos were flying to Hollywood, with the flight stopping in Memphis. So they were sitting in first class, taking up almost all the seats and on came Elvis Presley with his entourage including Col. Parker, with Tapp now sitting beside Presley. He sat across from them, kept looking and finally said, ‘Why do I know you? Is it from on a show?” Presley told Tapp. Yes, Tapp said, It is &quot;&quot;Hee Haw&quot;. “You hear that?? They’re from Hee Haw!!!!” the King told his court. “We stop our show everyday until Hee Haw’s over, then we proceed,” Presley said. “It was quite a compliment,” Tapp said, smiling.
** James Reany, recalling [[w:Gordie Tapp|Gordie Tapp]]'s encounter with Elvis Presley. Tapp was a Canadian producer, entertainer, and better known as the writer of the television program &quot;Hee Haw&quot;, as published in IFP Press, on 9 September 2016.

* The 146.5 million cumulative RIAA Album Awards, spanning 101 separate Gold (or higher) albums, makes Elvis the earner of the most Gold and Platinum Album Awards of any artist in the history of the RIAA
** The [[w:Recording Industry Association of America|Recording Industry Association of America]]'s laud of Elvis Presley as detailed in an article published on its official page and entitled &quot;Gold &amp; Platinum Turns 60, 1958-2018&quot;

*  I'd already discovered black music with Big Jay McNeely at the Blue Sax in North Hollywood and made the blues-jazz connections, so I wanted to experience this Elvis thing. He was a support act to Freddy Martin at the Frontier, a fancy supper club that we couldn't afford. So I persuaded the guys to pool cash and we came up with $10, then charmed a waitress to let us dine on rolls while we watched the show. From the moment Presley started with “Hound Dog”, I was a convert. It was electrifying, a validation, to see these stuffed-shirt socialites who'd come to see Freddy Martin clamp up in reverence. I thought, Hey, a kid with nothing, from nowheresville, can do this!”
** [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]], as told to author Michael Feeney Callan  in the 2020 bio entitled Robert Redfoird a biography&quot;

*  Channeling our inner Elvis with some help from the best in the business. What a night . 
** [[w:Jamie Redknapp|Jamie Redknapp]]'s 13 April 2022 message to television viewers for an episode of UK's A league of our own. 

* There's something a little unsettling, a little frightening, about the best and earliest music recorded by Elvis Presley. I'm thinking about the magical and mystical Sun Records recordings from 1954 and 1955, about the obviously haunting &quot;Blue Moon&quot; and about the lonely, lonely &quot;Tomorrow Night&quot;, but I'm also thinking about the more upbeat &quot;Mystery Train&quot; whose haunted history reaches back to Junior Parker, the Carter Family, and deep into the haunted places of American music, both black and white. The music is spare, almost hollow. Elvis's voice is at once both youthful and ancient, exuberant and lost, its echo like a shadow cast upon the ages.
** Gregory L.Reece, reviewing 'The Land of Grace' a novel by Mike Burrell for [[w:PopMatters|PopMatters]], as published on September 12, 2018.

* In 1958 at the age of 17 Otis started his professional singing career, briefly touring with the “Pat Tea Cake” band before forming his own band, “The Pinetoppers” in 1959, with well known Macon guitarist Johnny Jenkins. The Pinetoppers performed Elvis songs and country music songs in the Macon area. They also toured on the “Chitlin’ circuit,&quot; a network of black nightclubs throughout the Southeast and the white frat house circuit across the Deep South.
** From blackpastorg's biography of [[w:Otis Redding|Otis Redding]]

* In 1968, he moved into Las Vegas quickly. He bought a piece of land across from the Flamingo Hotel. It was 80 acreHe was originally the landlord for that property, and he made millions on that deal. He then shortly thereafter bought an off-strip property, the first one that had ever been done.That’s where the International Hotel was built. It was a very, very expensive property at the time, it was off-strip. The first two people to appear in the show room there were Barbara Streisand and Elvis Presley and  that was the beginning of Kirk Kerkorian’s ascension as the largest power broker in Las Vegas. 
** Nevada Senator [[w:Harry Reed|Harry Reed]], at the floor of the US Senate on the death of Las Vegas resident and mega resort builder [[w:Kirk Kerkorian|Kirk Kerkorian]], in an eulogy delivered on June 16, 2016

* The first time I met him I was blown away, I just looked at him and said, 'damn, you about the best looking thing I ever did see, kinda wish I was a girl right now, Elvis.
** [[w:Jerry Reed|Jerry Reed]], as noted in theelevisexpress

* He did have talent, that excitement. We knew the effect he had on future singers and players. I ran out and bought a guitar after I saw him.
** [[w:Lou Reed|Lou Reed]], guitarist, vocalist, and principal songwriter of the rock band the [[w:Velvet Underground|Velvet Underground]], as noted on elvis-express.com/ology_home.html

*  A  decision to get vaccinated isn’t made by each of us, individually, looking at available information and making a choice for ourselves. In other words, it’s not necessarily about the evidence. It’s about something bigger. People tend to respond to community norms. If we think about it, it’s somewhat logical. We tend to look to people who we think are either similar to us or who share our beliefs. There have been previous public health campaigns, for instance, that provided information from  breast cancer to polio. In fact, in a more unified era, giving Elvis Presley his polio vaccine during a staged photo op attempted the same feat.
** [[w:Jennifer Reich|Jennifer Reich]], Professor of Sociology at the [[w:University of Colorado|University of Colorado]] in Denver, commenting  on why people refuse to take the COVID vaccine in an article entitled &quot;Colorado is betting big on vaccine influencers. It’s unclear if people will “like” their message&quot; as published in the Colorado Sun September 1, 2021 edition

* I am a big fan of Elvis music. He shaped the future of rock and roll and I would take my daughter and my mum who is 85 and lots more family and friends to Graceland. It would be a great trip
** [[w:Peter Reid|Peter Reid]], English soccer coach and former player, in an interview with Jet Party-s Roadshow which included a question and answers session about his favourite places to travel to.

* Then, like Alice through the looking glass, I stepped through a door still bearing a desiccated Christmas wreath, and that's when everything got awesome. Graceland's formal rooms are all white carpet and gold trimmings and mirrors. With its hide-covered furniture and lamps hanging from chains and vines draping a stone wall, the Jungle Room did not disappoint, but downstairs was the real action: a room with three televisions embedded in the walls, a sectional sofa with sequin-bedecked pillows, a mirror-topped coffee table bearing a bizarre porcelain creature of indeterminate origin gazing toward the door, and a billiards room with walls and ceiling entirely upholstered in pleated floral fabric that might have been fashioned by a seamstress on mushrooms. Somehow it felt like more than checking off an item on a bucket list. Maybe it had something to do with a dawning sense that I was moving past the delayed gratifications of motherhood, past the time of putting off what I wanted to do. Or maybe it had something to do with coming full circle, of making a vow just as our marriage was beginning and finally seeing it through just as we were on the verge of being alone again. Mirror after mirror, there I was, right in the heart of Graceland: smiling and smiling and smiling. Unquote
** Margaret Renkl, for the NYT, in an article published on January 6, 2018 and entitled, &quot;Graceland at last&quot; where the editor of Chapter 16, a publication of Humanities Tennessee. tells the story of the many times she missed going to Graceland even when she was in Memphis visiting her sons.

* In the mid-60s, when Elvis was making those godawful movies and my friends and I were buying albums by the Stones and the Yardbirds, a mate and I would always go to see Elvis on the big screen; we knew the formula and always used to laugh about them afterwards, but what I also remember is what used to happen in the cinema: not long after the opening credits the audience would start talking and laughing through the dialogue – but the second Elvis sang everyone would stop and listen; Elvis' voice had that effect, even when he was considered as a joke by a generation grown up on tougher music and rock musicians who seemed much more rebellious, dangerous and innovative; so, for me, it has always been about the music and even when he was all but lost to us, in those final years, you can still hear that raw passion flare up; and I defy anyone, knowing that he had just separated from his wife and was heartbroken, to listen to &quot;Always on my Mind&quot; and &quot;Fool&quot;, and not be moved; you can hear a man whose heart is breaking; listening to the best of his music, whether it be raw rock'n'roll or those genuinely heart aching ballads, confirms for me that Elvis has never left the building.
** New Zealand Herald's columnist and writer Graham Reid, on his recent visit to Graceland, as published at KIWIBOOMERS.COM

* Take a track like &quot;One Sided Love Affair&quot;(1956), and really examine every nuance of his voice, every caress, every tease and every growl that he lets loose for the song's duration, and you`ll you come to understand that the reason Presley's voice has been so often imitated is because it was unique and, furthermore, fuckin' great; no phony piano intro, not even a puerile lyric could have ever stopped him from turning this song into a real classic; imagine, then, how great it is when Elvis gets to sing material that is up to his standards — like on the Sun Records label song &quot;Tryin' To Get You&quot; (1955) - , probably the bluesiest song on this record, where Presley shows a sense of determination, not just a combination of nobleness and sex, but an expression of guts as well; quite simply, this is a guy who knows what he wants, and knows he's gonna get it, and his confidence – never arrogance –, is so contagious that by the end of the song, you believe it too.
** Daniel Reifferscheid, reviewing Elvis' first album, for Toxic Universe

* Many of them had camped out overnight, and on the morning of June 7 they filed through the estate's famous iron gates. That day, 3,000 Elvis Presley fans paid $5 to be the first to visit Graceland, the mansion where he had lived and found dead in 1977 at the age of 42. Moving through the gaudy Southern mansion, as [[w:Reuters|Reuters]] described it, fans saw the trophy building, with its gold records and costumes, the living room's stained-glass peacocks, and the meditation gardens, where Elvis was buried. Paul Simon made a pilgrimage to Graceland in song, and Bruce Springsteen actually leaped over the wall in 1976. But in 1957, it was just a nice, colonnaded mansion in the Memphis suburbs that Elvis, then 22, bought for his parents for $102,500. Today 600,000 people a year visit Graceland, and it lives on in dreams.
** Elizabeth Renzetti, Canadian writer, for the [[w:Globe and Mail|Globe and Mail]], on the 36th anniversary of the opening of Graceland, since November 7, 1991 listed in the [[w:National Register of Historic Places|National Register of Historic Places]] and declared a [[w:National Historic Landmark|National Historic Landmark]] on March 27, 2006 and as published on June 7, 2018.

* One day, when I was very very young, We ended up playing poker. During the game he casually asked one of his entourage about the new Chrysler car that was released that day and then  handed him a wad of cash and said, ‘ Go get one.’ ‘ Any special colour?’ ‘ Nah, I don’t care’ he said ii)  Had he done &quot;A star is born&quot; he would have been incredible, like Streisand wanted him to&quot;
** [[w:Burt Reynolds|Burt Reynolds]], as reported in the Daily Express 21 Nov 2015 edition ii) reminiscing with Ann Margret and Reba McIntire in her television program &quot;Conversations&quot;, on their respective careers.

* I got to meet Elvis, an adorable, sweet Southern boy as charming as he could be. No wonder all the girls fell all over him.He was as wonderful in person as he was on the screen. He didn't want to make some of those films at all, but you know, you have to do what you have to do and now Elvis is gone, we're lucky we have what he did do.
** [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]], in the 2008 TV documentary &quot;Hollywood: Singing and Dancing&quot;.

* Elvis Presley was a legend, even in my homeland of Korea. When I received a phone call from a man who identified himself as Elvis Presley and told me that he was interested in continuing his studies in the martial arts under my direction, it occurred to me that this was most probably someone's idea of a joke; however, several hours later, I found myself seated behind my desk with him, seated across from me. Elvis then told me that it was at Master [[w:Ed Parker|Ed Parker]]'s suggestion that he contacted me. I was more than flattered, I was overwhelmed. He then insisted on training in regular classes with other students. He quickly realized that students were watching him rather than paying attention in the class so he asked me to arrange a demonstration which would allow the students to view his technique and see that he was attending class as a martial artist, not as an entertainer. I selected a day when a promotion (rank advancement) test was already scheduled and combined the two events. I selected this day because Elvis particularly enjoyed working with children and the student to be tested was a boy. Elvis was very humble. As a student of the martial arts, he was physically strong, his technique was excellent, one of the best. He was a master entertainer and a master showman, but he was also a Master human being. In many ways, Elvis taught me more than I taught him.
** Sensey Master [[w:Kang Rhee|Kang Rhee]] describing his relationship with Elvis in www.kanghreecom.

* When I was a child of 5 or 6, I loved my little record player, but, other than children's storytelling albums, I owned only two albums — both gospel: Johnny Cash's “The Holy Land&quot; and Elvis Presley's Gospel.
** [[w:John Tinker (TV producer)|Ronda Rich]], best-selling Southern author and syndicated columnist in an interview with the Gainesville Times, as published on their December 10 2018 online edition.

* On board I sing a song that [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Andrew Lloyd Webber]] and I wrote for Elvis, “It’s Easy for You.” We have a little Elvis interlude. When I was a spotty 15-year-old, Elvis was my hero, and I never dreamt that many years later, he would sing a song that we wrote. When he was in Vegas, we met his music publisher, Freddy Bienstock, and he said, &quot;Oh, Elvis’s always looking for good songs.” This was after Elvis had broken up with Priscilla Presley, and we wrote “It’s Easy for You,” about leaving a wife and child for another woman. In 1977 it came out: It was the last track on the last album he recorded before he died. It's the one song many people haven't heard, but one I think they enjoy very much in the shows.
** [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], in an article entitled &quot;When a Two-Time Oscar-Winning Composer Puts on a Show on Luxury Cruises as published on their 21 February 2019 edition.

* As far as rock, he was the boss...
** [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]], in an interview with YouTube-

* I want to thank Jim Carrey, one of my biggest fans, then Will Smith, my Mama, Elvis Presley, J. Cruz, Cece, Power 106, my girl, my kids and Eddie Murphy.&quot;
** Rapper [[w:Rich The Kid|Rich The Kid]], thanking those sho influenced him, in an article for HotNewHipHop's March 20, 2019 edition

* I owe Elvis Presley my career and the entire music business owes him its lifeline...
** [[w:Cliff Richard|Cliff Richard]], as noted in iheartelvisnet

* Good records just get better with age. But the one that really turned me on, like an explosion one night, listening to Radio Luxembourg on my little radio when I was supposed to be in bed and asleep, was “Heartbreak Hotel”. That was the stunner. I'd never heard it before, or anything like it. I'd never heard of Elvis before. It was almost as if I'd been waiting for it to happen. I'm supposed to be asleep; I'm supposed to be going to school in the morning Then, “Since my baby left me” – it was just the sound. It was the last trigger. That was the first rock and roll I heard. It was a totally different way of delivering a song, a totally different sound, stripped down, burnt, no bullshit, no violins and ladies' choruses and schmaltz, totally different. It was bare, right to the roots that you had a feeling were there but hadn't yet heard. I've got to take my hat off to Elvis for that. The silence is your canvas, that's your frame, that's what you work on; don't try and deafen it out. That's what “Heartbreak Hotel” did to me. It was the first time I'd heard something so stark. Then I had to go back to what this cat had done before. Luckily I caught his name. The Radio Luxembourg signal came back in. “That was Elvis Presley, with ‘Heartbreak Hotel.'” sh*t!
** [[w:Keith Richards|Keith Richards]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* As I tell my kids now, ‘No, I didn’t know Abraham Lincoln.’ But Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr, I had a chance to meet, and know. But I missed Elvis and I regret that. I was too young when he died.
** [[w:Lionel Richie|Lionel Richie]], in an interview with the Las Vegas Journal, published on February 7, 2018.

* Elvis was huge in the fifties, had his troubles in the sixties, but he came roaring back in the seventies, when he was huge all over again. He took over Vegas and made the town his own. When he was playing the Hilton, everyone was happy because business trickled down from this show to everywhere else. I'd only met him in passing, but people kept saying he was a big fan of mine. I was flattered but never really believed it. Then one night, when I'm on stage at the Sahara, there he is, with his girlfriend, Linda Thompson, and they are heading for the stage. The audience goes nuts, and all I can say is &quot;Elvis it's great to see you. Looks like you got enough gold around your neck to sink the Titanic. &quot;He laughs and his eyes tell me he's feeling no pain. &quot;Mr. Rickles&quot; he says, &quot;I have a poem I'd like to read in your honor&quot;. And I said &quot;Thank you, Elvis. I really appreciate it. Please do&quot;. The poem is flowery and no one knows what it's about, so when he's through I say: &quot;Elvis, we love you. You're a genius and a gentleman for gracing my stage. Now, do me a favor, take your chain, belt and cape and go home.&quot;
** Comedian [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] in his autobiography &quot;Rickles' Book&quot; published in 2007.

* My orchestra shall always aim to create a vibrant atmosphere bringing Sostakovich, Ravel, Elvis and Sinatra together.
** [[w:André Rieu|André Rieu]], Dutch violinist and conductor best known for creating the waltz-playing Johann Strauss Orchestra, as noted in an interview with Cafebabel, published on June 7, 2016.

* Although many people have a hard time defining charisma, they believe they know it when they see it. Most will agree that certain historical leaders, say like Presidents Kennedy, FDR, Ronald Reagan and leaders of social movements, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, as well and celebrities like Elvis Presley all had charisma. But when it comes to the specific political leader that people support, charisma may be in the eye of the beholder. Charismatic leadership, as theorized by sociologist, [[w:Max Weber|Max Weber]], was primarily in the relationship between leader and followers. According to Weber, certain followers are drawn to a particular leader and imbue that individual with charisma. An emotional bond forms between leaders and followers, and as long as the followers are happy with their chosen, charismatic leader, all is well. One thing is certain, however. In order to be considered charismatic an individual has to have the ability to connect with and “captivate” followers. So what is the common element that underlies charisma potential? It seems to be the ability to communicate emotionally to others – to be able to inspire them with emotions communicated nonverbally.
** Ronald E Riggio Ph.D, for [[w:Psychology Today|Psychology Today]] in an article entitled &quot;Is charisma in the eye of the beholder?&quot;, and as published on their December 25, 2018 online edition.

* A Graceland expansion would mean economic growth. Representatives with Elvis Presley Enterprises told the council that this decision would be a big deal for the city, with local impact over the next 30 years expected to be $9.3 billion dollars.
** Siobhan Riley for the [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox Broadcasting Company]] in an article dated December 18, 2018 and entitled Elvis Presley Enterprises proposes plan to expand Graceland

* On my radio show, I recall hearing Elvis Presley's “Heartbreak Hotel” playing on my Aunt Babe's radio. It was my most impactful musical memory. That happened when I was six and it just slayed me. Nothing would ever be the same.
** [[w:Steve Ripley|Steve Ripley]], founder of The Tractors, as quoted in his obituary published on Taste of Country-s January 6, 2018 edition, which also mentions he named his only son Elvis.

* For me, he was always &quot;Saint Elvis&quot;, so when I had the chance to sing in Las Vegas at a luxury hotel and as back up to the Smothers' Brothers act, I immediately rushed to the Hilton, where he was appearing. Just his entrance was out of this world, indescribable and peerless, and, as singer he always pushed the envelop, an amazing performer all the way to the end&quot;.
** Spanish rocker [[w:Miguel Rios|Miguel Rios]], in his biography &quot;Cosas que siempre quise contar&quot; (2013)

* I never quite “got” Elvis until after his death, but now I fully understand people's fascination with him. That man could really sing. He reinvented himself more times than David Bowie and I remember dancing to this song with the most beautiful woman in the world.
** BBC radio presenter [[w:Nick Risby|Nick Risby]], speaking about Elvis' singing in Can't Help Falling in Love, in his opinion one of the top 20 songs of all time.

* i)  It was the highest rated documentary ever, catchin a 43 % share, until Monica Lewinsky interview by Barbara Walters. ii) If I wanted to have someone come to my house to entyerian myt family for the Thankgicving holidays, I would choose Elvis.
** [[w:Geraldo Rivera|Geraldo Rivera]], i)  speaking about his 20-20 show on Elvis0 last days and ii) during a segment of The Five, broadcast on Thanksgving Day, 2021, on the Fox netwrk.

* I went yo see &quot;Loving You&quot; and when I decided to pursue a career in rock, I changed my last name to that the character played by Elvis.
** [[w:Dick Rivers|Dick Rivers]] (born Hervé Forneri, French singer and actor, as noted by IMDB

* My goodness, we all loved him, I met him many times, our children went to school together, he was terrific, a true gentleman
** [[w:Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers]] rapping up her 1992 commemorative show highlighting Elvis' movie career

* This friend of mine and I got tickets for a couple of bucks apiece. In fact, was just a kid when a country music show came to Baton Rouge, LA. In the middle of the show, they announced a special guest sensation from Memphis. So this guy comes out in a pink suit – he didn't even have a drummer – and starts jumping around while they're setting up the amp and a big acoustic bass. Then he started in with, “Well that’s all right, mama,” and we all went, “Hey, that’s the song we like on the radio,” because the station was playing it in Baton Rouge. There was Elvis. He did That's All Right and Blue Moon Of Kentucky, the B-side of his first record. We went to the back of the school afterwards, where he had this little Cadillac pulling a trailer, and they were loading the bass and stuff into it. He was talking to some of the country music guys about cars. He was probably 18 or 19, and I was 12 or 13. I'm just looking at him, thinking this guy is really cool and different. Little did we know...
** [[w:Johnny Rivers|Johnny Rivers]] on seeing Elvis Presley for the first time, in his hometown of Shreveport LA, speaking to Jim Clash, of Forbes on May 14, 2015

* Anywhere in the world, not before, during or after has there been a bigger music star than Elvis Presley. I always wanted to record one of his ballads, but in English, and I chose the title track for his second movie, &quot;Loving you&quot; ...
** [[w:Roberto Carlos|Roberto Carlos]], Brazilian biggest music superstar, in an interview published on 26 December, 2014

* Sixty-two years ago Sunday, Elvis Presley took the stage at CBS studios in New York and smiled as a city health official stuck a needle in his left arm. The publicity stunt, broadcast nationwide before Presley's 2nd appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” was meant to convince the American public that the new polio vaccine was safe. It worked. And playing to Presley's demographic apparently helped. About 75 percent of Americans under 20 had received at least one polio shot by August 1957, when the first national survey was taken; this rose to nearly 90 percent by September 1961, according to a 1962 public health report.
** Karin Roberts, writing for [[w:NBC News|NBC News]] on the 62nd anniversary of Elvis' polio advocacy, as noted in an article entitled &quot;When it comes to vaccines, celebrities often call the shots&quot;, and published on October 28, 2018.

* It's the birthday of the King, as Elvis Presley would have said.&quot;
** Farmer [[w:David Robinson|David Robinson Roberto]], on milking his farm's 140 cows on Christmas day, in spite of most people taking Christmas off, to be published on the Otago Dailyu Times on 27 December 2017.

* Robinson was a harbinger of an important shift in American life, one of the first of a burgeoning black culture, held in check by legal and social stricture that was about to burst forth and dominate the mainstream. He and Elvis Presley both played black, brought black style into the mainstream and were demonized as polluters before they were lionized as cultural heroes. Would Presley have been possible if not for Jackie Robinson? Perhaps, but it is probably more correct to see Robinson and Presley as historical inevitabilities, as the first cracks in the cultural dam.
** About [[w:Jackie Robinson|Jackie Robinson]], who waved to the audience and took a bow on January 6, 1957, as requested by Ed Sullivan on Elvis third appearance at his show, and as noted by writer, ex-baseball player, musician, and journalist Phillip Martin for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette and published on blooddirtandangels on April 15, 2011.

* Elvis was the best looking, nicest, most down to earth man I have ever met, funny to say that, but it's true, it was like a guy you went to school with, anyone who spend any time with him would tell you. He cared how he looked, but no conceit. The best gig I saw had to be his concert at Empire Stadium. There was nothing like it beforehand. He was the first guy to rent stadiums. I'd emceed shows, but standing in front of 26,000 people was nerve-racking.
** [[w:Red Robinson|Red Robinson]], Canada's foremost disc jockey, known for his having introduced both Elvis and the Beatles at their Empire Stadium shows in Vancouver, BC, in 1957 and 1964, respectively, as told to David Wylie, in his program One on one, as broadcast on 16 November, 2016.

* Not only did blacks know Presley, he also knew blacks. “I always wanted to sing like Billy Kenny of the Ink Spots. I like that high, smooth style. I never sang like this in my life until I made that first record—That’s Alright, Mama. I remembered that song because I heard Arthur (Big Boy) Crudup sing it and I thought I would like to try it. Presley was making more money singing rhythm and blues than black performers of the day, with Elvis’s nearest competitor, Fats Domino, expecting to earn $700,000 in 1957. (In fact) Otis Blackwell, writer of two huge Presley hits “Don’t Be Cruel” and “All Shook Up.” confirmed, “I got a good deal. I made money and I am happy.-
** [[w:Louis Robinson|Louis Robinson]], African American reporter, after interviewing Presley for Jet magazine on the racist allegation.

* Elvis was technically fearless and instinctive in his use of technique. In his early material in particular it is as if his voice is finding and creating the lyrics as he is singing them.
** [[w:Cathryn Robson|Cathryn Robson]], Senior lecturer in voice and music performance at the University of Westminster, in an article entitled Elvis voice, like Mario Lanza singing the blues, and published on the Conversation on August 17, 2017.

* In &quot;T.R.O.U.B.L.E&quot;, (1975), his baritone was still as solid as ever, with its humorously cavernous bottom and its nasal vibrato on top. When he is putting out, reaching for the top notes and shaping phrases with the same easy individuality that has always marked his best work, he is still the King.
** John Rockwell, reviewing one of his two 1975 concerts at the Nassau Coliseum for the &quot;New York Times&quot;.

* It's like if you're playing Elvis Presley and you've only got whatever amount of scenes in the movie, you're not gonna work any less hard on the part because you've got less material. You're gonna be like, 'I'm playing Elvis Presley!
** Oscar winner [[w:Sam Rockwell|Sam Rockwell]], on taking brief roles in an interview published by the Indie Wire on 29 June 2018.

* Well, here we go again. Like Elvis in 1968 we eagerly await for the Tiger Woods Comeback Special. We've been here before, of course. Only last month, the former world's No 1 who is now 898th, called off his return at the PGA Tour's Safeway Open just three days before the start of the event...
** [[w:Nick Rodger|Nick Rodger]], writing in the Herald Scotland (28-12-2016), in direct reference to the current decline experienced by Tiger Woods, the outstanding African American golfer who TIME magazine once, albeit too hurriedly, forecast to have the capacity to become a bigger icon than Elvis.

* Just about everywhere we played, it happened. Sometimes it would be more people than other times, depending on the size of the crowds, but after that first time, when there was a riot, Elvis did not invite the girls backstage anymore. I think he learned that it was not a good idea.
** [[w:Jimmy Rodgers Snow|Jimmy Rodgers Snow]], as told to Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick

* Looking at the last century of US history, no other individual can fairly be said to have changed US culture so much while receiving so little recognition for having done so: the gap between what Elvis actually accomplished and the degree to which we understood those accomplishments is far wider for him than it is for any other figure.
** Author Gilbert Rodmam in his biography, Elvis after Elvis: the posthumous career of a living legend, published by Routledge, London in 1996, p 172.

* When things are happening you don't appreciate them as much as later, like when Elvis Presley made his comeback special, I was in the recording studio and this was an historical milestone. Photography takes you there.
** George Rodriguez, noted Mexican American photographer as interviewed by [[w:Sara Rosen|Sara Rosen]] in an article published by Vice on 10 April, 2018 and entitled &quot;Powerful Vintage Photos Contrast Hollywood Glitz with Civil Disobedience&quot;

* I must confess that when Fidel spoke despectively about “elvispreslians”, I felt a conflict within me because since I was a kid, I loved both Elvis and his songs. I felt that more than the music itself, Fidel wanted to criticize the old youth in Cuba, those that did not think like he did. It was a truly awkward moment for me, but I was able to get over it, perhaps because my political hierarchies were always more mature than my musical ones...
** [[w:Silvio Rodríguez|Silvio Rodríguez]], Cuban musician, widely considered his country's folk singer and arguably one of Latin America's greatest singer-songwriters, explaining why he chose, at age 15, to continue being a follower of Fidel Castro in spite of the latter's opinion of Elvis followers, like he was, and of rock music in general, as published in Cuba Debate on August 14, 2017.

* I'm not a singer, and I'm not from the United States. But I randomly listened to country music growing up in England. My dad would play old songs and I was obsessed with Elvis Presley to a point where my family, if it was Christmas or something like that, they'd always get me an Elvis LP. My auntie—who's a Scottish jazz singer— was massively supportive of me liking Elvis. So when this movie came up, I was like, ‘This is the closest I’ll ever get to playing Elvis Presley.’
** [[w:Alex Roe|Alex Roe]], British actor, telling Coveteur magazine what led him to accept playing a US country singer in the 2018 movie &quot;Forever my girl&quot;, in an article published on 19 January, 2018-

* The next frontier for immersive storytelling may be your headphones, thanks to a new spatial audio platform that Vrai Pictures is set to unveil at SXSW next month. Traverse, as the platform is called, allows users to map their surroundings with the help of mobile augmented reality (AR) technology, and then explore immersive audio experiences in their own living rooms. One of the first experiences to be powered by the new platform is called “From Elvis in Memphis.” It allows users to experience his music by walking through a physical space, with Traverse's app making it spatially sound like they're in the studio with Elvis himself. In the middle of a performance, you can walk right up to him. You can also walk up to any of the other band members. The music suddenly shows a dimensionality that was always there but couldn't be experienced. It just needed the creative insight, the right platform, the tools, and the technology to be realized.
** Janko Roettgers, in an interview with Vrai Pictures founder [[w:Jessica Brillhart|Jessica Brillhart]], as published by [[w:Variety (magazine)|Variety]], in an article entitled &quot;Spatial Audio Application Traverse to Launch at SXSW With Immersive Elvis Experience&quot;, as published on their February 28, 2019 edition

* In 1991, Graceland gained a spot on the National Register of Historic Places, keeping Elvis Presley ahead of his time even in death. The National Park Service now honors the place Elvis called home from 1957 to 1977 when he died. It's very, very rare that a site is placed on the register when its the home of a famous person whose achievements are less than 50 years old, said George Berklacey, chief spokesman for the National Park Service. But the keeper of the national register, Jerry Rogers, felt Graceland and Presley were “an exceptional significance,” Berklacey said.
** Laud on the importance of Elvis Presley and Graceland by [[w:Jerry Rogers|Jerry Rogers]], keeper of the US National Register of Historic Places as published by the Commercial Appeal on November 7, 1991.

* So I went to his show and he introduced me as his friend. I went for about eight nights in a row just to hear him introduce me that way. And I found a little way to get backstage before the normal people got backstage and I went back there and he always treated me with such respect. I loved that about him. I remember one night backstage when he said, ‘Where are you going?’ I said, ‘I’m going to go play a little blackjack. Why don’t you come with me?’ And he said, ‘You know, I would give anything in the world to go out there with you’. But he thought he would get hurt, and the more I think about it, he couldn't have sat at the table like I did. I judge people by how well they treat me. That's what I loved about him. He made me feel so comfortable and I didn't really know him...
** [[w:Kenny Rogers|Kenny Rogers]], in an teleconferenced interview with Jimmie Tramel for the Tulsa World, and as published on Friday, March 17, 2017

* Elvis Presley press-agented as a singer and entertainer, played to two groups of teenagers numbering several thousand at the city auditorium here, Monday, May 14. As newspaper man, parent, and former member of Army Intelligence Service, I feel an obligation to pass on to you my conviction that Presley is a definite danger to the security of the United States.
** First paragraph of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of La Crosse|Roman Catholic Diocese of La Crosse]]-influenced letter, signed by the Editor in Chief of La Crosse Register's and addressed to the then FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover on May 16, 1956.

* Calistoga up the road was significantly affected by the fire along with other regions like Atlas Peak and Mt. Vreeder, but on the latter there were properties like the reservation-only &quot;Outpost Wines&quot; — known especially for its juicy Zinfandels — that survived. Thankfully the fire didn't affect the recent opening of &quot;The Ink House&quot; on the way to Rutherford, an 1800s house where Elvis Presley once slept and was reimagined as a hyper-luxurious B&amp;B with butler-style service, not to mention plentiful Castellucci wine by the same family and a Bentley house car for dropoffs and pickups.
**[[w:Kathryn Romeyn|Kathryn Romeyn]], in an article which focused on California wine country travel and everything one would need to know to plan a trip to the regions after the horrific 2017 fires, including the 18th century hotel Elvis stayed while filming &quot;Wild in the Country&quot;,as published on the Jet Set magazine on February 22, 2018

* At some point on the night of October 22, 2018 the home fans at Old Trafford Stadium will probably sing a round of &quot;Viva Ronaldo&quot;. From distant metro platforms to wind-raked terraces, it has been a Manchester United standard of the past decade, an Elvis-riff on those six years when he transformed himself from dazzling gadfly to the best footballer in the world. Until then, this still feels like a homecoming curiosity, a reminder of just how exhilarating that &quot;Ronaldo-as-Elvis footballer&quot; was; and a reminder too, whatever his ultimate destiny, of happier past associations for a player who was for at least three of those years, the best the league has ever seen.
* About [[w:Cristiano Ronaldo|Cristiano Ronaldo]]'s first trip to Manchester to play his old team since he joined Juventus AC, as written by [[w:Barney Ronay|Barney Ronay]] in an article entitled &quot;Ronaldo’s return to Old Trafford a reminder of how life used to be&quot;, published in the Guardian's October 21, 2018 edition

* i) Q magazine bravely attempted to name the best and worst singers ever. They did a good job, wisely going big with Elvis as the to choice. ii) There was no model for Elvis Presley's success; what Sun Records head Sam Phillips sensed was something in the wind, an inevitable outgrowth of all the country and blues he was recording at his Union Avenue studio; enter Presley in 1954, bringing with him a musical vocabulary rich in country, country blues, gospel, inspirational music, bluegrass, traditional country, and popular music -- as well as a host of emotional needs that found their most eloquent expression in song; his timing was impeccable, not only as a vocalist, but with regard to the cultural zeitgeist: emerging in the first blush of America's postwar ebullience, Presley captured the spirit of a country flexing its industrial muscle, of a generation unburdened by the concerns of war, younger, more mobile, more affluent, and better educated than any that had come before; (as such), the Sun recordings were the first salvos in an undeclared war on segregated radio stations nationwide. iii) At Sun Studio in Memphis Elvis Presley called to life what would soon be known as rock and roll with a voice that bore strains of the Grand Ole Opry and Beale Street, of country and the blues. At that moment, he ensured – instinctively, unknowingly – that pop music would never again be as simple as black and white.”
** ''Rolling Stone'' magazine, focusing on the importance of Elvis' Sun Records label recordings {{fix cite}}, ii) published on 5 March, 2007 and iii) as published in 1986.

* Though Elvis seems nearly as much a function of time and place as of talent and personality, his rise was clearly no accident. Peter Guralnick presents Elvis as the vessel, Sam and Dewey Phillips as the catalysts, and rock 'n' roll as a historical inevitability. Now, &quot;Why him?&quot; is what other Memphis boys kept asking in the summer of 1954, when Sun issued his first single, &quot;That's All Right Mama&quot; backed with &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot;. There were a hundred other kids in Memphis with talent and ambition, any one of them as accomplished as Elvis so, again, why him?. To [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]], Sam's assistant, &quot;He was like a mirror in a way: whatever you were looking for, you were going to find in him. In short, he had all the intricacy of the very simple.&quot; This ability to mirror the dreams and yearnings of others is the hallmark of every great star, from Judy Garland to Marilyn Monroe to James Dean. Within two years, Elvis would be one of them.
** Frank Rose, reviewing [[w:Peter Guralnick|Peter Guralnick]]'s &quot;Last Train to Memphis&quot; for Los Angeles Times Book Review̺'s October 2, 1994 edition in an essay entitled &quot;Why Elvis&quot;.

* In December of 1968, while punching a heavy bag in a gym in L.A. I hear a voice sing out, 'Hey, Lionel! What's doin'?' And it was Elvis Presley himself. I was in awe of him, but he said he was in awe of me (LOL).
**[[w:Lionel Rose|Lionel Rose]], the first indigenous bantamweight world boxing champion from Australia,recalling, for EIN, the time when he met Elvis just before his LA title defense fight with Chucho Castillo.

* I was really impressed and surprised to learn a lot of things about him,
** Shep Rose, lead actor in [[w:Southern Charm|Southern Charm]], recommending HBO's Elvis: The Searcher as one of the top documentaries of 2018.

* It had been a sensational interview and I knew I had everything I needed for an excellent story for Rolling Stone. I truly felt a real connection with Paul Rogers and his new band Band Company which gave me the courage to do what I did next: invite the singer to see Elvis Presley, who was performing on the night of May 11, 1974 at the Inglewood Forum. And I knew Rodgers was a huge fan, even trying to sneak into Graceland one time back when he was with his previous band Free. As we made the 45-minute drive to the Inglewood Forum —a huge 20,000-seat arena where the Los Angeles Lakers played— Paul couldn't stop talking about finally seeing Elvis. We parked and I handed Paul his ticket. He looked at it like it was the Holy Grail itself. We walked inside, found our seats and from the moment Presley took the stage, Rodgers could barely contain himself, screaming, shouting and jumping up and down like a kid, acting the way I did when I first saw his previous band, Free, so many years earlier when they opened for Blind Faith. Watching Paul while he watched a then-34-year old Elvis do his thing felt like an out-of-body experience. It was like some perfect circle. When the lights came up and as everybody was exiting the arena, Paul saw various members of Led Zeppelin along with Peter Grant, who by then managed both Bad Company and Led Zeppelin, going backstage. I knew I wouldn't be able to go there myself, but I didn't really care, all I wanted was for Paul to get to meet his hero. However, we were stopped by a pair of burly bodyguards guarding the backstage entrance. I tried to explain to them that this was Paul Rodgers, but they weren't bulging. Eventually, we had a message relayed backstage and when Peter finally came back out, he told Paul he couldn't get him in. If Paul was hurt by being treated so selfishly —it felt as if Led Zeppelin wanted an audience with the King all by themselves— he didn't show it. Paul was still jubilant so when we returned to the hotel, that's when Paul told me, “I’ll just tell my friends I talked to him anyway.&quot; He had purchased a souvenir booklet and would use that as evidence though Paul and I would always know the truth.
** Excerpted from Steve Rosen's article entitled &quot;Behind the curtain: Taking Paul Rogers, (then frontman for the UK supergroup [[w:Bad Company|Bad Company]] and formerly of the band Free) to an Elvis Presley concert in Los Angeles, as published in Rockcellar Magazine's March, 6 2015's edition.

* Few have probably heard of him unless you're a serious fan of Jewish cantorial music. But if you have, you know he's the equivalent of Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Luciano Pavarotti -- a singer to be remembered forever.
** About [[w:Yossele Rosenblatt|Yossele Rosenblatt]], as written by Ina Jaffe for NPR in an article entitled &quot;The Cantor With The Heavenly Voice&quot; and published on their September 6, 2010 online version.

*  His 2019 election victory took him from popular buffoon to prime minister just like Elvis’ comeback TV special in 1968, which crowned him the undisputed king of rock ‘n’ roll.  However, after a year,  the name ‘Boris’ suddenly no longer sounded like a buddy, but now carried the same contemptuous undertone as ‘Maggie’ , the last person in office who was customarily referred to by her first name.  Once the brand has become a dirty word, there is no turning back. The fact is Johnson is now in the ‘Fat Elvis’ stage of his career
** Robert Rotifer's take on UK Prime Minister  [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]],as noted by the Express on its February 15, 2022 edition in an article entitled &quot;Boris branded 'fat Elvis' in brutal German media take down&quot;

* I was contacted, not all that long ago, by the son of a military officer who was at the time the military attache to Prime Minister [[w:Harold Holt|Harold Holt]]. He told this story just before he died to his son who told me that his dad was in Harold Holt's office and Harold was struggling with popularity and the anti-war movement. The officer said to Harold Holt “what you need is an Elvis Presley. Get Normie Rowe called up”. If the Prime Minister says something is going to happen then there is a pretty good chance it is going to happen&quot;.
** [[w:Normie Rowe|Normie Rowe]], Australian singer, telling Noise11.com in 2015, about his being drafted as a political ruse to help the popularity of Harold Holt, the Australian Prime Minister whose death by drowning in December of 1967 was never confirmed.

* After Maria Callas, Elvis Presley is the #2 of the Holy Trinity for taking blues, gospel and spirituals, and sexing them together while also desexualizing the more rough-edged and raunchy root ingredients (ie: removing the black stigma) to make it into rock n' roll and music for the masses. Elvis had an undeniably great voice and incredible moves...
** [[w:Drew Rowsome|Drew Rowsome]], writer, musician, editor and pop culture critic, in an article entitled Elvis Presley: the second of the Holy Trinity

* Even as a kid, I knew music was central to my personality. Like many of us, I recognized that it could also be my source of income after I saw Elvis Presley on The Tommy Dorsey Show. When he made it so big, all us Southern boys thought maybe we had a shot, too.
** [[w:Billy Joe Royal|Billy Joe Royal]], as noted in www.billyjoeroyal.com

*  In Bedford there’s probably more chance of seeing Elvis than seeing your local GP.”
** [[w:Bedford Borough Council|Charles Royden]],  Deputy Mayor of Bedford, speaking about the shortage of general practitioners in his locality, a market town in England and  as published on Bradford Today's May 19, 2022 edition

* As he stepped back into the ring, singing as if his life depends on it, you can feel the visceral thrill as this underdog eagerly reclaims his title. It paid off in spades, rejuvenating his career and proving that, as pop culture spun on its axis, even its most stalwart participants could change gears and reinvent themselves. It wasn't quite Ali vs. Foreman, but as 1968's highest-rated television special, it was close.
** Writer Joel Rubinoff, on the 50th Anniversary of NBC's Elvis special, which was broadcast on 3 December 1968, and as published on the Record, on January 7, 2018.

* He was a really, really, really good looking guy who could really sing, Elvis is the definition of IT. He is one of the people that I owe for choosing a life in music.
** [[w:Darius Rucker|Darius Rucker]], American R&amp;B singer and songwriter who first gained fame as the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist of rock band Hootie &amp; the Blowfish, in an interview with Gracelandcom.

* We three became four again when my sister Loree, who had entered a convent just a couple of years before me decided to return to the outside world. It was later transpired that it was the nuns who had decided Loree should return to the world. In fact, as a novice she had refused to surrender her Elvis Presley vinyls to Mother Superior. Later, (Our own) Mother became convinced that the Good Lord might have had a different vocation in mind for Loree.
** [[w:Kevin Rudd|Kevin Rudd]], former Prime Minister of Australia from 2007 to 2010 and again in 2013 speaking about his sister Loree' devotion for Elvis in an article he authored, published on October 20, 2017 in the Brisbane Courier, and entitled &quot;Corporal punishment and humiliation were rife during Kevin Rudd’s time at a Catholic college&quot;

* Doc Pomus and Mort Shuman's &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot;(1963), was custom-written as the title song for Elvis Presley's 14th film, a rollicking tribute to the city of gambling given a spirited performance by Presley and his session musicians; strangely, it remained an underrated Presley song for a long time, finally beginning to gain some recognition from an unexpected quarter when the &quot;Dead Kennedys&quot; recorded it in 1980, their radical recontextualization of it helping the song to an independent life beyond its origins; on its own, it can now be appreciated as a tribute to Las Vegas that probably deserves to be the city's official anthem.
** William Ruhlmann, reviewing &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; for AllMusicGuide.com, before the Office of the Mayor of Las Vegas requested Elvis Presley Enterprises to allow it to become the city's official song; the price demanded by EPE was too high, so Las Vegas remains, to this date, without an official song.

* After his show, Sammy Davis Jr said he would arrange for my wife Joyce and I to see the best entertainer in Las Vegas which, considering Sammy´s fame, was quite a compliment (Once at the show), the audience was enthralled as the singer sang songs of every genre. And that evening I became a fan of Elvis Presley. Even today, particularly on Sundays when we do not get to church, Joyce and I listen to Elvis singing gospel songs.
** [[Donald Rumsfeld]], former Secretary of Defense, as cited in his memoirs &quot;Known and Unknown&quot;, published by the Penguin Group (pp 128-29)

* They decamped to Munich in June 1979, and he had just checked in at the glittering Bayerischer Hof Hotel and stepped into the bath to wash away the travel grime, when a melody came to him. It was a hiccup-y rockabilly number, somewhat tongue-in-cheek. It had affectionate elements of the recently departed Elvis Presley, who had been a major vocal influence on him. Calling for assistant Peter Hince to fetch him an acoustic guitar, he wrapped a towel around his body and began to bash out the skeleton of what might be the most uncharacteristically simple song he ever wrote, which took him five or 10 minutes, doing it on the guitar as he did, and in one way it was quite a good thing because he was restricted, knowing so few chords.
** [[w:Jordan Runtag|Jordan Runtag]], for RollingStone magazine, on how Freddy Mercury came about to writing Queen's #1 hit 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

* Entertainment-wise Elvis Presley played a big part for me because I'm out kicking my foot across the stage, but Elvis Presley did the same thing I do. He can get away with it. (It) kind of opened the door for me, along with B.B. King and all the guys who have come before me (Chuck Berry, Little Richard) who set a trail for me to come through the door. Now I'm one of the top five who are left to do this and I thank God for putting me in this position. I never thought that I would be an icon as the leading role of the blues cats, man, especially the black blues cats. I never thought I'd be here.
** Bluesman [[w:Bobby Rush|Bobby Rush]], in an interview published by the Huff Post on 6 February 2015.

* In the '50s, listening to Elvis on the radio in Bombay – it didn't feel alien. Noises made by a truck driver from Tupelo, Mississippi, seemed relevant to a middle-class kid growing up on the other side of the world. That has always fascinated me. I suppose what's interesting about rock and roll is it was the first cultural phenomenon that was about, for, controlled by and made by young people. And your mother didn't like it. Certainly my mother didn't, though she got used to it, eventually. In fact, I think Elvis was the one who got to her.
** Sir [[w:Salman Rushdie|Salman Rushdie]], UK/Indian novelist and essayist as published in branyquotes.com

* For me it goes back to Elvis. The reality is, my experience with Elvis and ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ as a wonderful revelation is exactly the same experience that Paul McCartney had, that Keith Richards had, that Mick Jagger had, that they all had because they're all just sitting in England wondering what they're going to do. And Elvis comes over the airwaves and changes everybody's life.”
** World renowned rock photographer [[w:Ethan Russell|Ethan Russell]], describing his early years as an eleven year old kid in San Francisco, and as published on September 23, 2015 in the online edition of &quot;The Townsman&quot;.

* It's funny – because we didn't talk a great deal about him. That was one thing we never got around to. When I played Elvis, in 1979, then in 2001, a lot of people said to me “Boy, you must be a great Elvis fan”. When you play a real person you have parameters. When you play a famous person that everyone knows, now the parameters become very finite. It's your job to go right up against the edges of those parameters. I said I worked with him, as a child, in 1962, but I did not know that much about his career or anything. I remember him distinctly, because I worked with him for two weeks on the movie and most of it was with him. I saw him off-camera a lot. But in 1979, I learned about him. And when I learned about him, I became a pretty decent Elvis fan. But nothing like Quentin, he probably knows everything about him. He knows about his music, he's probably seen all his movies. Yeah, so someday I'll say hey, tell me some of your feelings about Elvis.
** [[w:Kurt Russell|Kurt Russell]], from an interview with Sebastian Haselbeck, a writer for the Quentin Tarantino Archives' who asked him whether he and Tarantino had discussed Elvis during the shoot of &quot;The Hateful Eight&quot;, as published in the QTA' online page in March of 2015.

* I'm a big Elvis fan, so I went to see him when he was playing in Las Vegas and, after the show, I was invited up to his room to meet him. I was very excited so I blurted out: &quot;Why did you make all those stupid movies?&quot; I couldn't believe I've said that and felt so embarrassed but Elvis just said, &quot;Last thing I remember I was driving a truck&quot; So now every time I say something stupid, I think of Elvis.&quot;
** Rocker [[w:Leon Russell|Leon Russell]], talking about the time he met his idol, after starting off his concert in Denver, on April 26, 2015, with Presley's cover version of Ray Charles' &quot;I got a woman&quot;

* I had met him  on a few occasions, but we hadn't spent any time together. One night in 1971 after a show at the International, I went backstage, where he was with a group of his buddies discussing where they were going to eat.  He spotted me and called me over. 'Hey, man, you ever have a peanut butter and banana sandwich, on white bread?' &quot;I thought he was putting me on, so I played along. 'Love 'em,' I said.&quot; 'Great, man! You're coming with us!'&quot;'Where we going?' I asked. &quot;'San Francisco, brother&quot; So we flew out of McCarran Airport on Elvis's private jet, landing there about an hour later. There were eight of us, and he  did the ordering. An initial round of sixteen sandwiches was sucked up in minutes, washed down by gallons of lemonade. I had one. After the meal, we got back on the plane and flew back to Vegas. Once we were in his suite, he decided he wanted to watch a Western movie. A projector was set up and a 1930s oater with [[w:Hoot Gibson|Hoot Gibson]] began. As i saw it,  Elvis and his crew were whooping it up like real cowboys, and I wondered what the hell I was doing there. Then the guns came out. Elvis packed a  1942 Beretta 9&amp;nbsp;mm pistol given to him by General [[w:Omar Bradley|Omar Bradley]], with the others having revolvers. He fired the first  shot into a wall, and everyone followed suit as if mimmickimg the action in the movie, where Gibson was chasing a bunch of bad guys and trading shots with them.  I thought a couple of live rounds would've been it, but then Elvis started overturning furniture, and the guys divided up into two sides. I ducked behind a couch as everyone hid behind cover and traded shots. They aimed high, but bullets can travel through walls, and who knows where they could've wound up. Within a minute, the &quot;Gunfight in Suite 3000&quot; was over and every&amp;shy;one repaired to the bar to get loaded, pun intended. I stayed a while, but I couldn't hear a damn thing because I was temporarily deaf from the gunfire. But I love Elvis. He was unique for what he was, he was statuesque&quot;
** Actor [[w:Gianni Russo|Gianni Russo]], in pages 117-118 of his autobiography  entitled &quot;Hollywood Godfather: My Life in the Movies and the Mob&quot;, published by St. Martin's Press. The Baretta being mentioned, a 1942 Model M1934 9&amp;nbsp;mm Corto Caliber Pistol (Known as .380 ACP in Modern Day)  was later gifted by Elvis to his tehn girfriend Barbara Leigh and she auctioned it in 2018, for US$51,000, the buyer being the Graceland Museum where it can be now seen.

* It seems like since the early days of rock and roll, there's been a uniform that's consisted of jeans, T-shirt and black leather jacket,&quot; she says. Elvis Presley, though, served his version with a twist: He was very much influenced by African American style on Beale Street in Memphis and incorporated everything from shiny suits to the poet-sleeved shirts his mother made for him into his wardrobe. But Presley wasn't exactly one for playing by the rules
** [[w:Meredith Rutledge-Borger|Meredith Rutledge-Borger]], associate curator at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, tracing the origin of 2017's rock outfits in an article published on October 17 2017, on FASHIONISTA.

* To have two cycling riders of the calibre of Kelly and Roche emerge independently of one another within the space of four years, is akin to the town of Tupelo, Mississippi, producing a second Elvis Presley shortly after the first. It is a most astonishing accident of history.
** Barry Ryan, a cycling journalist and author of the Ascent, referring to Irish superstars Sean Kelly and Stephen Roche, as reported in the Irish Independent on October 7, 2017.

* Elvis Presley summed it up perfectly when filming the musical &quot;Roustabout&quot;. The director, John Rich, wasn't particularly impressed with his entourage hanging around and playing practical jokes on one another. When Rich approached him about his traveling companions clowning around and disrupting, he didn't back down from his director. He told Rich, &quot;When these damn movies cease to be fun, I'll stop doing them.&quot; Cheers, Elvis. Couldn't have said it better myself.
** Peggy Ryan complaining about the political madness arising out of the 2016 Presidential election in an article entitled &quot;&quot;It Finally Happened: Politics Has Ruined Everything Fun&quot;&quot;, published in The American Thinker on October 3, 2016

* There were maybe thirty people in the room and he walks in and the first thing that happens is our eyes meet. He's probably fifteen feet away from me and then he flings a grape that hits me right between the eyes, in the forehead. I didn't talk to him that night other than when he came over and knelt down while apologizing. So he then joined the rest of the people in the room and so I took my cue and left. Elvis had qualities that no other human being has, had, will have. Some of them are so hard to describe because the charisma, the qualities that he had were almost not of this world, you know. They were, a lot of times, angelic. But it was his innocence that really impressed me. His biggest joy was in the giving...
** Sheilla Ryan, recalling the day she met Elvis in Las Vegas in 1972, as told in an interview published in EIN's website page, on March 31, 2016.

== S ==

* Although the beachside hotels on the bay supplemented most of the older hotels, El Mirador maintained its status, primarily because of the iconic cliff divers, or clavadistas, who dived from a platform outside the hotel more than forty meters into the water below. The classic image of cliff divers in Acapulco was immortalized in popular culture worldwide by the film &quot;Fun in Acapulco&quot; (1963), in which Elvis Presley plays a former acrobat, down on his luck and stranded there.
** Andrew Sackett in his essay &quot;The Politics of Development on the Mexican Riviera&quot;, as included in From Holiday in Mexico by Berger, Dina, [[w:Duke University Press|Duke University Press]] Duke University Press, 2009.

* Every time he'd appeared on Letterman, he'd had to change his act. Written down, worked out, pre-approved by the production staff, his sweet improvisational melody was sliced and diced into a sampled, discordant riff. He just didn't come across. And he hadn't yet figured out what to do about it. At least not until that twelfth appearance. His ghost appearance, resonating forever in the memory of the Ed Sulli&amp;shy;van Theatre, there, center stage, near Elvis's swiveling hips. Another really big show, never to be seen.
** [[w:Mike Sager|Mike Sager]], recalling the time comedian [[Bill Hicks]]'s monologue at the David Letterman Show was removed from the broadcast until that point in October 1, 1993, the only occasion where a comedian's entire routine was cut after taping' in US television history —, as noted in an article entitled &quot;The Gospel according to Bill Hicks&quot; published on April 10, 2017 at the Stacks online page. Unbeknownst to Sager, that censure, on Hickñs 12th appearance at Letterman's show, coincided with what took place on precisely Elvis 12th appearance on national television, when he was filmed from the waist up only, the happening taking place, as the writer did notice, at the exact same place, the Ed Sullivan Theatre, then CBS Studio 50.

* Elvis Presley was more influential as a performer than any other musician in world history. In some respects he resembled other influential performers, including the famous Italian violinist Niccolò Paganini (1782–1840) and the Hungarian pianist Franz Liszt (1811–1886). Like them Elvis was exciting, charismatic, and enormously successful. Unlike Liszt and Paganini,however, Elvis did not compose any of his own music, yet the ways in which he performed the songs he sang transformed twentieth-century popular music worldwide. At his best, was most influential as a Southern White singer who introduced audiences throughout the United States and around the world to Black American music, especially to rock ‘n’ roll, a form of rhythm and blues. He was also influential because he combined in his performances elements from different American singing styles, including gospel, rockabilly, country-western and standard' pop numbers; he even employed bel canto singing in a few songs borrowed from Italian music. His stage persona was extremely influential as well, simultaneously glamorising, as he did, rock music and making it seem ‘dangerous’, thus even inspiring aspects of punk rock in the 1970s. Later, his performances as a touring artist and a Las Vegas entertainer contributed to the birth of glam rock.
** [[w:Michael Saffle|Michael Saffle]] introduction in The Musical Characteristics of Elvis Presley, written in 2009 at the request of Government of the Hong Kong's Special Administrative Region.

* Bill was about 16 when he drove from Blanco, Texas, to see Elvis Presley play at the then Municipal Auditorium. And when he found out the show was sold out, he climbed a tree to try to get into a window. He saw Elvis there in the window so Elvis motioned to him and asked him, 'What are you doing up there in the tree?' And Bill Wittliff explained , and Elvis Presley tore out a paper towel and wrote to the ticket taker to let these three boys in. They're friends of mine. We have that piece of paper on display at the Wittliff Collection.
** Hector Saldana, [[w:Texas State University|Texas State University]]'s curator for Hollywood screenwriter [[w:William D. Wittliff|Bill Wittliff]]'s Collection in San Marcos, TX, as published in KERA NewsJune 11, 2019 edition.

* I was publishing a book with the title &quot;The case against Muhammed&quot;, dealing with the founder of Islam, from a critical point of view, and many people were asking me &quot;why do you do that? And my answer was always &quot;because you are asking me&quot;. Because you wouldn't if the book had been called &quot;The Case against Elvis Presley&quot;. You would accept any criticism of any historical figure, you will consider it as freedom of art, of research, of opinion, but in the case of Muhammed, you say &quot;The Prophet is the Muslim's world last stone of identity, so why do you attack HIM, let him in peace&quot;. And I then always answer my Muslim friends, that maybe he became the last stone of their identity because they left him in peace, alone, for fourteen hundred years.
** Egyptian writer [[w:Hamed Abdel Samad|Hamed Abdel Samad]], in a speech at the Folkemode, on 17 June 2016, in the Danish town of Bornholm.

* Often overlooked, probably because of his immense popularity and mega-star status, Elvis was an extremely generous and compassionate human. I remember an appearance by Elvis on the Ed Sullivan show on a Sunday night while my grandmother was babysitting me. Sitting in a rocking chair and looking over the top of her glasses while she was knitting she uttered, “That boy is going places”. I was 7 or 8, she was 60 something and that moment is etched indelibly in my mind. Hey Nana, you were right.
** Edward Samarak, in a letter to the Editor of the [[w:Mystic Stamp Company|Mystic Stamp Company]] following the publication of an article dated 28 October 2017 and entitled &quot;Elvis’ Polio Vaccine Raises Immunization Levels&quot;

* Shortly after midnight, arriving at San Antonio International airport on Hugh Hefner ‘Playboy’ DC-9 and wearing a long coat with white fur trim, he was greeted by fans before his manager, Col. Tom Parker, took him away in a black limousine to an unknown hotel destination. Fans, when interviewed, felt that if he looked that good when he traveled, that they could only imagine what he will look like on stage. He didn't disappoint. During the concert, a lady who was bitten in a fight over a scarf he threw into the crowd was later taken to the hospital where she was given a tetanus shot from a physician who thought the whole thing was humorous, particularly as the lady said her attacker could be identified by a bald spot on her head, which she had, in turn inflicted, on her....
** From the archives of the [[w:San Antonio News|San Antonio News]], as published on 9 October, 1974.

* I suppose you'd had to call him a lyric baritone, although with exceptional high notes and unexpectedly rich low ones. But what is more important about Elvis Presley is not his vocal range, nor how high or low it extends, but where its center of gravity is. By that measure, Elvis was all at once a tenor, a baritone and a bass, the most unusual voice I've ever heard.
** Greg Sandow, Music professor at the Juillard School, as published in &quot;The Village Voice&quot;.

* And to think I only wanted to imitate Elvis
** [[w:Sandro de America|Sandro]] Argentinean singer and actor heavily influenced, since age 10, by Elvis, vocally, in the way he looked, as well as stage and movie wise. Unlike many of the entertainers Presley inspired in Latin America and because he did not tour during the 1960's, Sandro was one of the few who were able to actually witness Presley performing at his best, in his case, on November 10, 1971, at the Boston Garden. Sandro was also touring the Boston area, at a smaller venue.

* He was the greatest. In fact, he was the most charismatic individual I have ever seen both off and on the screen, he was the kind of person who could not walk into a room and not stop whatever was happening in that room. Every person, man or woman would turn to look at him, he was that magical, There are no words in the vocabulary, unless it is that he had magic.
** Singer [[w:Tommy Sands|Tommy Sands]] in an interview published by youtube by Alan Eichner.

* At the start, I listened to my older brother's collection of Paul Anka and Elvis Presley records.  When the Beatles arrived, at home it became a fight between my brother, who loved Elvis and I, who loved the Beatles.. but we both stayed the course.... 
** Manuel Sanguinetti, lead singer of the Peruvian super-group  [[w:Traffic Sound|Traffic Sound]], and formerly a member of [[w:Los Hang Ten's|Los Hang Ten's]], on how he acquired his taste for early rock, in an interview with Movistar Música's Marshall, taped on November 22, 2017. 

* I just wanted to be like my dad. He was absolutely charming, adorable and irresistible. I looked at him the way other people looked at him, like if he was Elvis. I was like: ‘Man I want what he’s got!’ I didn't realize I was born with it.
**[[w:Carlos Santana|Carlos Santana]], in reply to a question as to how he recalls growing up in Tijuana, as published by the San Diego Union Tribune on 22 September, 2016.

* He liked to do the bumps and grinds as I did them, and that was basically what he used in his routine from 1957. Eventually, he proposed to me, but I told him if anyone knew about us it would cost him his career.
**[[w:Tura Santana|Tura Santana]]'s claim about Elvis picking up on her movies after seeing her at ba burlesque show, as noted on the book &quot;All the King̪s women&quot;

* On stage, any chance I get to put the teeth in and bite people, I will take. “Dance of the vampires&quot; is great if only because it lets itself to be really, really silly. Any character I play has at least one if not three animal images that I use. And for the role of Count von Krolock, I said he's part panther, part eagle, and part Elvis Presley. And Elvis Presley — he's sexy as hell.”
**[[w:Drew Sarich|Drew Sarich]] US Stage actor and singer, telling the Moscow Times, on February 4, 2018, how he is preparing for his upcoming lead role in the stage play version of &quot;Dance of the Vampires&quot; which opened in Moscow in early 2018.

* But my generation did not ONLY love America because she defended freedom. We also loved America because for us she embodied what was most audacious about the human enterprise, because America for us embodied the spirit of conquest. We loved America, because for us, America was a new frontier that was continuously being rolled back, a constantly renewed challenge to the inventiveness of the human spirit. My generation, without even coming to America, shared all of your dreams. In our imaginations, our imaginations were fueled by Hollywood, by the great conquest of the western territories, by Elvis Presley, and you probably haven't heard his name quoted often here -- but for my generation, he is universal.
**French President [[w:Nicolai Sarkozy|Nicolai Sarkozy]], during his speech at a Joint Session of Congress,delivered on November 8, 2007, explaining how Elvis and American values influenced all French people born in the immediate aftermath of the end of the Second World War, as was his case.

* If you ‘failed’, you are in good company. It's comforting to read a list of successful of people who at some stage of their lives were rejected in their study or career paths. Among the many are Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Vincent van Gogh, JK Rowling, Elvis Presley, Mozart and Beethoven. Almost all overcame periods of gloom, adversity and despondency.
** Dave Savides, as published on January 4, 2018 at Zambia's Zululand Observer, in an article entitled &quot;Matriculation results must be kept in perspective&quot;

* There's more chance of Elvis Presley being Chancellor of the Exchequer than John McDonnell. I've never come across such financial illiteracy.&quot;
** Savvas Savouri, the chief economist at [[w:Toscafund Asset Management|Toscafund Asset Management]] making a point of the futility of backing John McDonald for the post of UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, as reported in the Financial News on January 8, 2018-

* While touring Memphis, I was in the dressing room and my knee went and I crawled into a ball and couldn’t get up. I was carried off by a big security guy called Michael who’d once played for the Miami Dolphins. I heard he had an important boss but he didn’t tell me who his boss was. But the next day his boss called me. It was Elvis Presley. He came on the phone singing &quot;You Make Me Feel Like Dancing&quot;, down the line. ‘I love that song, man. I hear Michael has been looking after you and that you’re a great guy. And you need to come over to the house’. he said. I was stunned, and got ready to go to spend a few days with Elvis and his girlfriend Ginger. But the next morning I heard on the radio Elvis had been taken to hospital and died. Years later, I began to think I must have dreamt the whole thing. But I met Ginger at a dinner in London, and she said ‘Elvis had been so excited at the idea of spending a few days with you.’ I had tears in my eyes when she said that.”
**[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]], on the day he almost met Elvis, in an article published at the Sunday Herald, on April 6, 2017.

* Very proud that my father will receive the Medal of Freedom. That he’s getting it with Elvis is icing on the cake.
**[[w:Antonin Scalia|Christopher J Scalia]], upon learning his father will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom, posthumously, in a twit written on November 10, 2018.

* i) I didn’t like Elvis before I went to work with him in the summer of 1969. I mean, I didn’t know him. I just didn’t like his music. I was into black music mostly and jazz so when I went to work for him on the first rehearsal I told my ex-wife, I don’t think I’m going to do this gig, but I’m going to go down and check it out, see what’s going on.’ I came home that night and said, you gotta come down and hear this guy tomorrow night.’ She said, you’re kidding.’I said, no, you got to come down and hear him.’ She came down the next night to the rehearsal and she walked away a fan. It was that immediate. When I walked in and I heard him I said, Oh, oh, I believe that I've been missing something. ii) In some ways Elvis was Conservative and in other ways he was very Liberal. He wasn't someone that was following some political line, you know he'd figure out for himself what he thought was right
** [[w:Jerry Scheff|Jerry Scheff]], Elvis' bass guitarist from 1969 to 1977.

* Iconic celebrities never die because they are, in fact, a booming licensing business. Albert Einstein t-shirts. Elvis Presley guitar straps. Marilyn Monroe finger puppets. (These are all real.) If Samuel Jackson can wisecrack his way through Captain Marvel, then a hologram Tom Petty could perform a concert on behalf of a spirits brands at thousands of bars – at the same time. Muhammad Ali could teach your Orange theory boxing class. Julia Child would be in your kitchen with you to co-cook a Thanksgiving turkey on behalf of Butterball. Gone are the days when a celebrity can only be in one place at one time.
** David Schwab, writng for [[w:Forbes|Forbes]] magazine in an article entitled &quot;2030: The Future Of Influence&quot; as published in their March 20, 2019 edition.

* The spirit of Elvis Presley, I feel it.”
** [[w:Trapper Schoepp &amp; The Shades|Trapper Schoepp]], after playing “Hound Dog” outside the Zippin Pippin on what was the 40th anniversary of Elvis Presley's last ride on the roller coaster, as published on the Green Bay Press Gazette on 19 December, 2017

* He once rode a freight elevator to avoid fans but just as the elevator doors opened, workers were wheeling a deceased guest out on a gurney. “I hope I don’t leave that way,” Elvis quipped.
** Valerie Schremp Hahn for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, in an article entitled Elvis in the elevator, Clydesdales in the lobby: New [[w:Chase Park Plaza Hotel|Chase]] tours tell historic hotel's secrets&quot; and published on January 11, 2019.

*  Our country faced a similar challenge in the 1950s, when there was widespread apprehension about the safety of the polio vaccine. But when Elvis Presley posed backstage being given the shot before an appearance on the highly rated Ed Sullivan Show, the photo ricocheted across the nation and the world and triggered a rapid increase in vaccination rates.
**  Dan Schnur of [[w:The San Francisco Chronicle|The San Francisco Chronicle]], discussing President-elect Joe Biden having been vaccinated against COVID on live television, in an a article entitled &quot;Show me the vaccine: Steph Curry with the shot&quot;, as published in their December 26, 2020.

* Elvis, to me, is a symbol of tremendous promise and that kind of American hopefulness, where you can come from nowhere and have nothing and build yourself up and chase that American dream.
** [[w:Patti Sciaifa|Patti Sciaifa]], member of the E Street band and Bruce Springsteen's wife.

* There comes a point when the voice starts to wash over you. You get inside of it, start to really hear what he's doing, and you realise his singing has this extraordinary, effortless quality to it. Sometimes it's like listening to a stream of honey. It's a very smooth ride, the voice of Elvis Presley. I don't think you focus on the words when he's singing. I think he's doing what bel canto singers do – you don't listen to the words, &quot;just&quot; to the beauty of his voice-. When I say &quot;just&quot;, that makes it sound as if he's denying you something else but, actually, that's quite enough.
** &quot;The Scotsman&quot;, review of the album &quot;Love&quot;, as published in its 25 June, 2005 edition

* He had a photographic mind, came prepared every day. I would have to say that if you, Carole, if you had ever have to do a scene with him, you be....... somewhat taken back, that's how his sex appeal hit you. His eyes, especially, so seductive...
** [[w:Lizabeth Scott|Lizabeth Scott]], in an interview by Carole Langer at Janet Leigh's home in 1996, recalling their scenes in the 1957 film &quot;Loving you&quot;.

* We went backstage and he told me he used to play me on the jukebox when he was in the Army in Germany. He admired the high tenor male voice – he was a baritone. I was and remain a huge fan of his. He was a phenomenon.
** [[w:Neil Sedaka|Neil Sedaka]] in an interview for the Nottingham Post, on October 30, 2014

* Little Richard, he was the first one that really got to me. He and, of course, Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Bob Seger|Bob Seger]] as noted in the Seger file, an unofficial web site about the music of Bob Seger, dated June 1999

* Lou Reed, Elvis Presley and Kurt Cobain.
** [[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]], wife of Roman Polanski and mother of Elvis Polanski, whom they named after Elvis, in an interview with VOIR's Patrick Baillargeon and published on their 20 de septiembre 2007 edition

* So when the city of Albany came to the conclusion that the house two doors down from my house was structurally terminal after years of neglect, they had to dump a ramp of dirt to allow the excavator to make the climb. It was a thing to behold: The two-track beast would tear away a portion of the front of the house — first the porch, which had been replaced almost a decade ago after it had degraded to a dangerous sag — and then plant its claw deep in the wreckage and haul itself a few feet higher, like a mountaineer with a pickax. By the time it reached the summit, the house had been reduced to a cross-section: see the bedroom, see the attic, see the bathroom where for decades its former residents shaved and showered through the Depression, World War II, the entire life of Elvis Presley and the demise of Skylab.
** Casey Seiler, for the [[w:Times Union (Albany)|Times Union]], in an article entitled It didn't have to happen, as published in their Friday, June 14, 2019 edition

* He is the Elvis of Racing 
** About [[w:Ayrton Senna|Ayrton Senna]], as noted by Salon Magazine in 2010. 

* Halfway through the show, he asked that the house lights be turned up. After that was done he stated that he had told them not to sell the seats to his back and, since they had, he turned around and did the last half facing those of us that had only seen his back for the first. He was a great singer and showman.
** Carol Sellers, recalling in Facebook the time Elvis performed at the Assembly Hall, now the [[w:State Farm Center|State Farm Center]] in Champaign, Illinois on October 22, 1976 and as referenced in a link contained in an article found at smileplitelicom's October 22, 2018 online edition.

* For any strategy to work, people first have to perceive vaccination as a normal part of life.  That is why public health officials, nonprofit groups and major brands are collaborating on nationwide public service campaigns and partnering with celebrities to make vaccine more visible. The model for the celebrity shot dates to 1956, when few teenagers were getting the year-old polio vaccine. Two critical things happened that fall to reverse the trend. First, 21-year-old Elvis Presley got the shot in front of cameras before “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Second, the March of Dimes launched a wildly successful peer-to-peer campaign among teen social groups. In short, it leveraged the cool kids, but it may not have gotten the cool kids without the King&quot;
** {{w|Frances Stead Sellers}}, Deputy National Health Editor for the Washington Post,  in a joint article with Bonnie Berkowitz and entitled &quot; These are the pro-vaccine messages people want to hear as published in their April 22, 2021 edition.

* Elvis would quote Peter Sellers’ lines from &quot;Pink Panther&quot; movies on tour. Things would be going crazy, and he would look at somebody and go, ‘Do you have rhoom?’ &quot; in Sellers’ Inspector Clouseau accent. Or, &quot;Does your dog bite?&quot;. Sellers, in turn, was a fan of Elvis, even playing in an Elvis-singing role in his last movie. &quot;The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu&quot;
** About actor [[w:Peter Sellers|Peter Sellers]]  and Elvis fascination for each other, as told by Elvis' bodyguard, Sam Thmopson, in an article published in the Las Vegas Review  Journal's  May 10, 2011 edition.

* The book, by contrast to &quot;White Rage&quot;, offers an extended view, spanning from pre-colonial plots to relocate Britain's human rubbish, to Thomas Jefferson's notion of “whiteness as an automatic badge of superiority,” to modern use of adjectives like “redneck,” “cracker” and “country boy,” such as in the specific case of Elvis Presley. Isenberg's greatest historical and sociological intervention is not just the idea that divide and stratification exist between races, or that such divisions habit within them, but that it has always been this way. American democracy has never accorded all the people a meaningful voice. The masses have been given symbols instead.
** [[w:John Semley|John Semley]], reviewing for the Globe and Mail, writer Nancy Isenberg's book &quot;White Trash&quot;, which according to the reviewer, undermines the myth of American exceptionalism and as published on November 29, 2016

* He valued his fans and he treated them with respect. If anybody had a reason to be arrogant it would be him, but it's a great lesson for other musicians and people in general and that is the better you get, the more humble you should be. His music resonated with everyone and that's what made him so special, like Elvis Presley or Mozart&quot;
** [[w:Jack Semple|Jack Semple]], Canadian blues musician, interviewed the day after the death of B.B. King, who influenced his career tremendously, and as published by The Leader Post, on May 15, 2015

* They have turned Soweto into a Disneyland for Nelson Mandela. They have tried to make him like Elvis Presley. Now with his death, so many foreigners will be going there, then they will say they have seen the real South Africa. Winnie will be there of course &quot;showing off&quot; how close she is to the poor of this country.....”
** Writer Kim Sepgunta's, sarcastic recollection of a friend's reaction to the death of [[w:Nelson Mandela|Nelson Mandela]], as reported on the day after the passing away of his former wife Winnie, in an article published on the Independent on April 3, 2018, entitled &quot;South Africans will pay their respects to Winnie Mandela despite her uneasy legacy&quot;

* I don't think there is a musician today that hasn't been affected by Elvis' music. His definitive years – 1954–57 – can only be described as rock's cornerstone. He was the original cool ii) That was the standard in my house, he's the only rock 'n' roll guy that dabbled in Christmas
** [[w:Brian Setzer|Brian Setzer]], as published in www.graceland.com ii) referring to &quot;The Brian Setzer Orchestra's 13th Annual Christmas Rocks,&quot; a concert heavily influenced by Elvis 1957 Christmas Album, on 28 November 2016, as published by the Daily Press.

* It all started when an elderly American woman once asked me: &quot;Do people in South Africa know Elvis?&quot; &quot;Of course we South Africans know Elvis!&quot; I replied. Or do we, really? So, I went on to write a paper and, using a historiographic approach, I attempted to explore how his image was first imported into South Africa, especially during the Apartheid era when there was no television, and media censorship was a fact of daily life. Additionally, I tried to reflect on the impact of the media – then and now – in creating images, fantasies and illusions in constituting the subjectivity of the Elvis of real life and the Elvis of sound, stage and celluloid in the South African musical imaginary.
** {{w|Harry Sewlall}}, describing the chapter he dedicated to the impact of Elvis Presley in the South African musical imaginary as published in Acta Academica-s Volume 47, Number 2, January 1, 2015-s edition (pp. 54-71)

* Oh yeah, big timeǃǃ
** {{w|Shakira}}'s reply to to New Delhi TV's {{w|Prannoy Roy}} who asked her if she was an Elvis fan, like her father, during an appearance at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland on January 16, 2017.

* An economist called Elvis Presley, who's unfortunately deceased now but made a significant impact on economic thought, in one of his master treatises said: 'A little less conversation, a little more action, please. A little less fight and a little more spark...
** {{w|Tharman Shanmugaratnam}}, Singaporean Deputy Prime Minister, wrapping up the seminar he had moderated before heads of the world's central banks gathered at the International Monetary Fund and World Bank annual meetings in Nusa Dua, Bali, on Oct 14,

* So Brian, who I was producing then, and I went up to Las Vegas, and we're sitting there watching him and Elvis sings &quot;Runaway&quot;, then says that he liked to introduce me to the audience. So, the lights go all over trying to find me, and they can't, until Brian, who is a shy guy gets up and says, &quot;Heeeeeeeeeee's over heeeeeeeeeeeere&quot;, and points to me, next to him, in front of the thousands there. So I took a bow. Later we went backstage with him, for two hours and let me tell you, I have never seen a better looking guy in my life.
** [[w:Del Shannon|Del Shannon]], in a 1989 interview with sportscaster [[w:Bob Costas|Bob Costas]], recalling the midnight show of August 25, 1969 at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, when he and [[w:Brian Hyland|Brian Hyland]] caught Elvis' act, then met him backstage.

* I met him in New York during his 2nd appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in 1956. I was just out of the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]´s mailroom and still a very junior agent. That night, they held a press conference right before he went on so I went up to him and said, “Elvis, they’re ready for you.”. He said, “Yes sir. I’ll be right there, sir.” I was 24 and he was 21, and I said, “Sir! I’m from the Bronx. You’re the first person in the world to call me sir.” He was the sweetest guy. To this day, I cherish the fact that Elvis Presley was the first person ever to call me sir.
** [[w:George Shapiro|George Shapiro]], American talent manager and multiple Emmy and Golden Globe winning television producer, in an interview with Variety, as published on May 25, 2018.

* While many people assume it must have been a difficult slog for an Arab like me to gain acceptance in the Hollywood of the 1960s, I beg to differ. They treated me like a God. I had a beautiful house in Bel-Air, under me was this singer, what was his name, tall super nice guy, he was a very popular singer. I could see his swimming pool. Now I can't remember names of anybody, it's extraordinary. Wait, it was Elvis Presley! So I used to look and see if he had girls in the pool. LOL. And then he died young. I was in the Bel Air house when he died in Memphis, and suddenly the house under me was always empty....’
** [[w:Omar Sharif|Omar Sharif]], his memory failing some three years before his death at the age of 83, in an interview with TimeOut Bahrain and published on March 28, 2012.

* i) I spoke to over 140 songwriters whose work Presley recorded, and most remarked about his uncanny ability to capture the essence and make it his own; like a musical geneticist, he drew from every strand of DNA in a songwriter's work, which ultimately helped shape his own distinctive personal interpretation; just listen to the wide stylistic swath of genre-hopping material he recorded during his career – from Junior Parker's amphetamine-paced rockabilly classic &quot;Mystery Train&quot; and the poppin-perfect panache of Otis Blackwell's &quot;All shook up&quot;, to the down and dirty blues swagger of &quot;Reconsider baby&quot; and the operatic grandeur of &quot;It's now or never&quot;-; and then there were more controversial and socially conscious anthems (&quot;If I can dream&quot; and &quot;In the ghetto&quot;), and introspective 70's fare like &quot;Separate ways&quot; and &quot;Always on my my mind&quot;; right away, you can hear the breath of a master stylist who breathed new life into every song he cut&quot; ii) Growing up, Elvis Presley's quasi-gospel ballad &quot;Crying in the Chapel&quot; was the first secular recording allowed inside the Pointer Sisters' strict Church of God in Christ home in West Oakland, California. Ruth, Anita, Bonnie, and June were only allowed to listen to the radio on Sundays. On top of that, it had to be gospel stations. Thank God their mom fancied that song. In an extensive 2006 interview one of the sisters, Anita, reflected on the fact that it was so unbelievable that someone like Elvis could relate to the story in their song 'Fairytale' and want to record it. She thought Elvis did it beautifully and very pleased with his version, capturing the emotion in the song as he did. Ruth Pointer, also spoke positively of Elvis's final album 'Moody Blue' and defended him against charges of any cultural appropriation
** Author Ken Sharp, in his book, &quot;Writing for the King: The songs and writers behind them&quot;, as published in American Songwriter.com

* He is a huge fan of Elvis Presley, even naming his own thirty bedroom mansion &quot;Graceland&quot; after Elvis's Memphis home
** Author Karl Shaw, in reference to Robert Mugabe, in his book &quot;The Mammoth Book of Tasteless and Outrageous Lists&quot;

* The Owensboro Police Department quickly responded to my accident in the Meijer parking lot on Sunday, where my dog Elvis, a purebred, had apparently put my truck into drive and hit another parked car. I posted a video on Facebook, explaining how Elvis had shifted the car into drive while trying to get to some bacon grease on the truck's dashboard. Alas, I had left the truck running and forgot to put the emergency brake on. which explained how the truck then rolled up at least four parking spaces, hitting a car parked nearby. Police said there were no charges, so Elvis and I got off scot-free.
** Paul Shearn, in a filmed interview with the Owensboro, KY, Police Department, as published in Facebook, on September 3, 2018 and one of many examples showing why Elvis continues to be one of the 100 most common names for purebred dogs, according to the [[w:American Kennel Club|American Kennel Club]]

* I loved him. There were two icons who changed our life in the 1950's, James Dean and Elvis. He was the first singer who was loved by both girls and guys. He brought us together, boys and girls, a revolutionary, had a profound effect on all of us, culturally, musically emotionally, spiritually, still miss him...
** [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]] in an 2002 interview for Elvis Lives.

* I used to watch the way he treated so many people with kindness and respect, the way he used to be so grateful to his fans. He used to say, &quot;Shari, when I wait backstage to go on and I hear all that screaming and I know it's for me, well, sometimes I feel as if my head is going to get real big with all that kind of fuss and stuff. Then I think that my dad drove a truck and that but for the grace of God I'd be drivin' one too. You have to have humility, Shari,&quot; he would tell me. &quot;You can never forget who put you where you are and how many people would like to change places with you&quot;.
** [[w:Sharon Sheeley|Sharon Sheeley]], songwriter for Glen Campbell, Ricky Nelson, Brenda Lee and her own former fiancé, Eddie Cochran, with whom she rode in a taxi headed for London, on April 16, 1960 which crashed taking Cochrane's life and seriously injuring Gene Vincent and her, in article published in the June 1959 issue of Photoplay.

* I think when I came out of the womb – I've been saying this but I mean it, you're born knowing who Elvis is. The name Elvis is just part of the fabric of humanity. He just is this thing that exists in the air, and contributed obviously so much to music. But I think he is the definition of what's cool.&quot;
** [[w:Blake Shelton|Blake Shelton]], as noted by G. Thompson in Popculture.country's February 6, 2019 edition

* Elvis Presley connects Tupelo, MS to the whole world, the opportunities for cultural and educational exchanges abounding. When I went to Germany, I only talked to two types of people there, those that have been to Tupelo and those that want to come to Tupelo. After learning more about the area, a German tour company decided to turn a day-trip detour from Memphis into an overnighter in the All-America City.Looking to the future, I hope to see continued expansion of the Germany tourist market. City officials there have also agreed to pursue a municipal friendship. I think my there trip certainly will justify the financial costs and will pay dividends for years to come.
** Jason Shelton, Mayor of {{w|Tupelo, Mississippi}}, interviewed both while preparing to leave for Germany, and upon his return, on the occasion of his negotiating the making of Bad Nauheim as a sister city to Tupelo, as published on the city's Daily Journal on July 18 and August 7, 2018, respectively.

* We never saw energy like that coming off a stage before and meeting Elvis afterwards I found him to be a friendly, happy guy. Nice to everyone&quot;.
** Top producer and guitarist [[w:Louis Shelton|Louis Shelton]], a member of the Musician's Hall of Fame known for his extraordinary recording session contributions to Ella Fitzgerald and Whitney Houston, amongst numerous others, answering a question on those who inspired him to become a musician, from an interview by John Reid on Jazz Radio.

* At the time, that was in 1972, I thought he was too old for me, but there was this chemistry between us. I felt a lot for him. I got to see him perform in Las Vegas — the greatest performer ever. I'm still really sad we lost him. I wish I could have been a closer friend to help save him. He was truly a kind and gentle man who never truly recovered from the death of his mother.
** [[w:Cybill Shepherd|Cybill Shepherd]], on her relationship with Elvis, as published in the Sedonas Red News on March 12, 2018

* He was the first person to truly believe in me as a musician and gifted me with my first tour bus. For the album I am doing “The Day Elvis Died” and “I Want to Live Like Elvis&quot;. He gave me words to live by as an artist and to this day, I haven't forgotten them. He told me that if anyone forgets where they came from they're never going to get to where they want to go. He also told me that it was the people who make you who you are, so if you stay true to them, they'll stay with you.
** Country music's [[w:T.G. Sheppard|T.G. Sheppard]], in an interview with the SC Times, as published on September 11, 2018.

* Graham never forgot his home state of North Carolina or the South, rivaling Coca-Cola and Elvis Presley as the region's top export.
** Journalist Yonat Shimrom's laud of the Reverend Billy Graham, in his obituary and as published in the News and Observer's edition of 21 February, 2018.

* We went in to scout the Hadooshi farm. We were gathering intelligence; there were quite a lot of buildings and compounds across the whole farm. We could see they were antsy. We went up to the gate, breached it. We caught them off guard. This one woman, she was just mean. Every time we walked through the garden, she went nuts. We noticed the garden was freshly dug. We started moving the dirt around, and we pulled up a big square riveted container. When we came across birth certificates, marriage licenses,  we knew it was significant. It was like looking for (and finding) Elvis.
**  Staff Sergeant Sean Shoffner, Scout platoon, 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry, 4th Infantry Division and one of the US Army soldiers who found the hiding place of [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]]. in reference to the fact the US Army's code name for Hussein was Elvis, as noted in an article entitled  &quot;Looking for Elvis&quot; , as published in Esquire's December 13, 2018 edition,

*  We all automatically wanted to dress like Elvis, look like Elvis, swagger, strut, and sneer like Elvis – and every snide remark from Aunt Mimi, our teachers, or the newspapers only served to reinforce our new idol's grip
** [[w:Pete Shotton|Pete Shotton]], UK enterprenuer and one of John Lennon's earliest friends in an article entitled  The Kings: Elvis Presley and The Beatles as published on the Beatlestory's August 27, 2020 edition

* Many communities have a “this celebrity slept here” story. As a mountain resort, Idyllwild residents can share many but perhaps the most told is the time Elvis Presley spent three weeks there in 1961 to film “Kid Galahad. Visitors, starting in 2018, can now tour &quot;The Hidden Lodge&quot;, built in 1947, one of five restored homes on the tour is one of many Idyllwild locations in “Kid Galahad. It’s the first time it’s been open to the public and it’s a lovely, lovely place. It was something the owners couldn’t pass up. The porch where Presley sang “This is Living” in the film is still intact. People will walk up, sit on the railing and strum their hand like they have a guitar. The home is an homage to Presley without going over the top. In fact, the tour is the Idyllwild Area Historical Society's lone fundraiser and usually draws hundreds of visitors..
** Craig Shultz, speaking about the Idyllwild Area Historical Society's 18th Annual Home Tour, to be held on Saturday, Sept. 15, 2018 at {{w|Idyllwild-Pine Cove, California}}, as reported by the Press Enterprise on September 10, 2018.

* I found him sensitive and very good. He felt he could have done better things. His advisors were very much against doing this kind of straight role and they tried to get him to sing throughout the picture. Obviously, they didn't want him to get off the winning horse. But when I was able to calm him down, I thought he gave a beautiful performance...
** [[w:Don Siegel|Don Siegel]], commenting on Rollingstone magazine his directing Elvis in Flaming Star.

* My uncle Bob was an Indiana hillbilly. He was the kind of guy who had a clear plastic suicide knob on the wheel of his two-tone Chevy, that featured a photo of a lady in a naughty cheesecake pose. Uncle Bob knew his Rock and Roll and all his nephews were all baptized in the church of Elvis. That early intervention saved me. Pat Boone may get to a higher place, but he should know before he goes that the Holy Ghost will have Elvis playing on heaven's record player
** [[w:John Sieger|John Sieger]], after discussing Elvis' powerful and majestic vocals in Crying in the Chapel, as published in Urban Milwaukee on May 17, 2017.

* He was the atomic bomb. Period.
** [[Gene Simmons]]'s laud of Elvis following the announcement made that KISS costumes are now being displayed in Graceland's &quot;Influence of Elvis Presley&quot; exhibit, as reported by Broadway World on May 16, 2017.

* This, I think, is as close to the &quot;real&quot; Elvis as we were ever permitted to glimpse during his lifetime, a funny, self-deprecatory star who loved to hack around with his guys, but who had no trouble reeling them back in when they started having a little too much fun. We, at home, watched and understood how lovable so many people thought he was. The show, when it aired, became one of the top-rated of 1968. Most of the TV critics of the time didn't get it, certainly not the way the show's producer and audience did, the critics being, frankly, rather bad stuck-in-the-mud old fogies and tired, bitter conscripts from elsewhere in the newsroom who were about to be superseded in the early '70's by a new generation of TV critics who had not only grown up with Elvis, but with TV itself
** Jeff Simon, reviewing for the [[w:Buffalo News|Buffalo News]] the 5 disc set commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the 1968 NBC TV Special &quot;Elvis&quot;, in an article entitled &quot;Maybe the greatest Elvis work has finally been released&quot; and published on December 5, 2018.

* The first time I heard his music, back in ’54 or ’55, I was in a car and I heard the announcer say, “Here’s a guy who, when he appears on stage in the South, the girls scream and rush the stage”. Then he played ‘That’s all right, mama’. I thought his name was about the weirdest I'd ever heard. I thought for sure he was a Black guy. Later on I grew my hair like him, imitated his stage act – once I went all over New York looking for a lavender shirt like the one he wore on one of his albums. I felt wonderful when he sang ‘Bridge over troubled water’, even though it was a touch on the dramatic side – but so was the song. It was unbelievable,and I thought to myself, how the hell can I compete with that?
** [[w:Paul Simon|Paul Simon]], whose all time favourite song is Elvis' Mystery Train, as published in wwwelvis.netwhattheysaytheysayframehtml

* But it wasn’t until 1958, when Elvis Presley teamed the item with brilliantine and attitude in the movie &quot;King Creole&quot;   that the jacket crossed over to Main Street and became a much-copied American staple.  Elvis always floated between Ivy League style and serious fashion and the Baeacuta G9 came in some great colors.  When Elvis wore it was called the &quot;Jivey Ivy&quot; ,   which was Ivy League with a twist.  After that almost every clothing company in the US copied it.
** [[w:Harrington jacket|John Simons]], UK men's wear retailer and stylemonger,  explaining how the Baracuta G9 jacket, first launched in Britain,    became famous in the US, then worldwide, as noted in an Yvy Style magazine  article dated September 9, 2013. 

* He is a huge Elvis fan, his favourite songs being ‘Jailhouse Rock’ and ‘Suspicious Minds, and he can move like Elvis
** About Carter Simpson, alpine skier in the 2019 Ontario's [[w:Special Olympics Canada|Special Olympics]], in an article published in sootodacom, on 29 November 2018 and entitled &quot;Carter loves skiing (and Elvis)&quot;

* By 1979, they were so prolific that Freddy was able to lounge in the bath in the [[w:Hotel Bayerischer Hof, Munich|Bayerischer Hof hotel]] in Munich, pick up a guitar – not his usual instrument – and bash out this globally successful tribute to Elvis Presley in 10 minutes. We are not worthy.
** Dave Simpson, reviewing for the Guardian the song &quot;Crazy Little Thing Called Love&quot;, which he ranked #17 in his list of the top 50 UK singles by [[w:Queen (band)|Queen]] in an article published on 27 October 2018.

* He rarely over-sang when recording, delivering a vocal to suit the song. So, he can loudly accuse in &quot;Hound Dog&quot; (1956), rasp and rage for &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; (1957), bare his soul and beg on &quot;Any Day Now&quot;(1969) and sound quietly, sadly, worldly-wise on &quot;Funny How Time Slips Away&quot;. (1970). This gift may explain why his music endures so powerfully and why his performances remain so easy to hear.
** Paul Simpson, in his book &quot;The Rough Guide to Elvis&quot;.

* Elvis' songs can be heard everywhere worldwide, which is perhaps why everyone is familiar with his voice. When you hear a deep tuneful voice with a Southern drawl in a rock 'n' roll song, it can't be anyone but Elvis (in spite of that voice actually being that of someone else &quot;successfully&quot; mimicking him).
** Matthew Simpson, in his article &quot;The Top 10 distinct voices in music&quot;, for ask.men (2007)

* Remembering the legend and the super energetic actor who carved an extraordinary niche for himself, especially for his grooving dancing style. He was ahead of his times in everything and was the first among contemporaries to have mastered the internet. He was truly deserving of the title 'Elvis Presley of India'
**[[w:Shatrughan Sinha|Shatrughan Sinha]]'s laud of Indian superstar [[w:Shammi Kapoor|Shammi Kapooron]] the 87th anniversary of his birth in an interview with The Quint and published on October 21, 2018.

*At the risk of being sad for two seconds, I drink a toast to a wonderful fellow who left yesterday and did much for American Music. I knew him for maybe 12 or 14 years and we know, what he did in his career, but I knew him as a man, a gentle, good, fine man, gracious and generous in every sense of the word. Things which people never heard about him helping organizations, and children's hospitals but I knew all about that. He was some kind of cat and I hope God's good to him. ii) I am just a singer. Elvis was the embodiment of the whole American culture. Life just wouldn't have been the same without him. There have been many accolades uttered about his talent and performances through the years, all of which I agree with wholeheartedly. I shall miss him dearly as a friend.
**[[w:Frank Sinatra|Frank Sinatra]] i) Words spoken by Mr. Sinatra upon hearing of Presley's death, while on stage, courtesy of Mr. Sinatra's official fan page and ii) http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html and by Houston press

* My heart melted when I saw him in person but when he and my dad met for the taping, they were both nervous...
**[[w:Nancy Sinatra|Nancy Sinatra]], remembering the moments they shared with Elvis and his father, in Miami.

* You were either brought up on the Beatles or Elvis. I was raised on Elvis, and every song he sang, every film he was in and every move he made is part of my DNA.
** [[w:Jason Singh|Jason Singh]] Australian singer and musician formerly with the band [[w:Taxiride|Taxiride]], explaining for noiseeleven why he became a singer, as published on their May 6, 2019 edition.

* During that last show in Indianapolis, he was on stage for an hour and a half. He included his own hits, pertinent covers and classic rock ’n’ roll, and there was a crescendo of gospel which was always a showstopper. It was a special show. He sang his heart out. Having only seen Elvis on stage in Las Vegas in previous years in front of an audience of 2,200 people the atmosphere was equally electrifying in front of 18,000, and the whole audience erupted when he announced that amongst them were 250 Brits.
**Todd Slaughter, President of Elvis Presley Fan Club of Great Britain since August 1967, speaking about the last time he saw Elvis perform, which was also his last, in an interview with the Big Issue published on August 14, 2018

* Elvis Presley has a very definite form of dance rhythm and this may well be what creates the hysteria.
**[[w:Mia Slavenska|Mia Slavenska]], Croatian-born prima ballerina and star performer for New York's Metropolitan Opera, in an interview for the Toronto Sun in April of 1957.

* After the show, we were headed out and about 20 feet in front of us, there were Elvis and his crew heading out also. Somebody right behind him yelled...faggot.. Elvis turned around and punched him in the face. Now that was funny..I was really glad I saw him do that. I would have probably done the same thing.
**[[w:Foy Slayton|Foy Slayton]], recalling the night he attended the then 21-year-old Elvis's show in San Diego, on April 5, 1956, as published in the Grants Pass Daily Courier on December 28, 2016.

* Most singers have their idols. I remember Elvis Presley when I was about sixteen, I always said I wanted to do 'Love Me Tender.'
**[[w:Percy Sledge|Percy Sledge]], as noted in brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/elvis_presley_2.html

* It's like Ron Howard trying to be the Fonz. It's hard for an English rap artist to have that kind of a cool &quot;Fonzie&quot; effect to Americans and a wide-variety audience. So either you have to go a comical route or something, a Pee Wee Herman-route. I don't know, something! You've got to come with something other than trying to be Elvis Presley.
**[[w:Slick Rick|Slick Rick]], UK born rapper, on his struggle to connect the U.K. to America when it comes to hip-hop, in an article published by Billboard on May 20, 2018.

* Each singer (of the so-called folk variety), is recognized as much from its characteristic sound, as from what they actually sing or play, and they manipulate tone colour with a virtuosity that owes nothing to either the classical, or the Tin Pan Alley tradition; one thinks, for example, of the voice of Elvis Presley, an expressive vehicle, shifting from high to low tones, groaning, sluring, and producing breathless changes of rhythm; to many listeners, the voice may have seemed crude, but its folk immediately resided in its crudeness.
** Christopher Small, in his book &quot;Music, Society, and Education&quot;, published in 1996

* I was in Holland and our dressing room was next door to the one being used by the supergroup [[w:The Last Shadow Puppets|The Last Shadow Puppets]]. Anyways, I went to the toilet and who walks in but [[w:Alex Turner (musician)|Alex Turner]]? He is a hero of mine and, to me, he looked like Elvis Presley...
** Radio X's [[w:Gordon Smart|Gordon Smart]], on the night he met Alex Turner, occasional member of the Last Shadow Puppets, and frontman for the [[w:Artic Monkeys|Artic Monkeys]]

* What's better than Jaden Smith rapping about Elvis Presley and driving around with Harry Potter in the most surreal of ways? Well, Jaden Smith rapping about Elvis Presley and driving around with Harry Potter in the most surreal of ways and with only other voices as his accompaniment.
** About Will Smith's son [[w:Jaden Smith|Jaden Smith]]'s &quot;U&quot;,   a song included on his first album entitled &quot;Syre&quot;, in an article by Hilary Hughes as published in MTV News on December 28, 2017.

* The medium of TV and the birth of Elvis came at exactly the same time. Before, it didn't matter as much what you looked like, with radio or records. With Elvis, it was the whole package.
** John W. Smith Curator at the [[w:Andy Warhol Museum|Andy Warhol Museum]] in Pittsburgh, PA, describing the impact of Elvis during the first-time-ever exhibit of Warhol's &quot;Elvis X 11&quot;, as part of a show entitled 'Where is Elvis? The Man and His Reflection' , as noted by Leslie Rubinkowski of wwwelviscomau on June 14, 2003

*  I’m taking my momma to see it. In the words of Elvis himself “Thank you very much!” 
** [[w:Kevin Smith|Kevin Smith]]'s laud of Baz Luhrmann's 2022 biopic &quot;Elvis&quot; 

* I worked in a credit store and he came in to open an account. I asked his name and he wouldn't give it to me if I didn't give him mine first. LOLː Same with the phone, the address. LOL. Anyways, that's how I met him, and then he introduced me to his first cousin Gene, and it all started from there. Years later he and all his entourage were at a Cadillac dealership in downtown Memphis. It was Xmas. He gave each and every one of them a Caddy and, as he was waiting for a special Caddy he had ordered he saw an African American lady who was waiting for her husband to pick her up. So finally he shows up, with a cranky Concord. It was then that Elvis asked her how a lady of her age was s still working.And the lady said that was how all the bills would be paid, rent, etc. So, when his car finally arrived there, he gives her the car he had ordered. With all the commotion, everyone had left, the lady left, left the Concord there, and Elvis was standing in the middle of Beale Street, alone, in the middle of the night. He saw a light in a nearby store, so he asked the African American who was there cleaning to give him a ride home, as all his friends had left, and so had the African American lady, he explained. Willie, that was his name, who didn't know who Elvis was at first, told him that if he waited, he would take him to Graceland but warned him his car did not have seats in the back and that the one in the passenger side, up front, was broken, so Elvis told him he will sit anywhere to get home. Once there he asked him for his address and work number, as he didn't have a home phone. The next day Willie was invited to Graceland and when he came in, he drove there with a brand new car...
** Louise Smith, the widow of Elvis' first cousin Gene Smith, recalling the time Elvis gave away twp cars to two African Americas in less than 24 hours, as told in an interview on January,7 2019, in Memphis.

* A lot of Presley's good stuff was overlooked. Like the NME viewpoint that he died when he came out of the army. I think the opposite, his best stuff came after the army.  Look,  Elvis was the King right? To me, Elvis IS King 'cos he sustained it
** [[w:Mark E Smith|Mark E. Smith]], as excerpted from a NME 1989 conversation between him  Nick Cave and Shane McGowan and dubbed as &quot;The Pop Summit.

* i)The Houston Rodeo people didn't want us to come. There was a message sent to leave the black girls, they didn't need the black girls. And so Elvis responded with, 'Well if they don't come, I don't come'. But he was really upset about it. There was one person in particular who had sent the message. So when we got there, we were greeted by this little blonde in a convertible and she had to drive us around and she was his daughter. So Elvis always made sure he got even. I'm sure he said, 'And I want your daughter to drive them'. But, when it was happening we didn't know. We learned that later ii) When in true form, he was fabulous, his voice and vocal pitch a lot more remarkable than it ever came off on record; in fact, Elvis was a much better singer than could ever be captured; you know, some singers' voices are just too big, and Elvis' was like that.
** [[w:Myrna Smith|Myrna Smith]], singer of the gospel group &quot;The Sweet Inspirations&quot;, who performed with Elvis for a number of years in the last phase of his career, as published in i) an interview with ElvisAustralia ii) an article entitled &quot;Elvis, musical prodigy&quot; in www.elvis.com.au, on 6 July 2000

* To me, Bob Dylan always represented rock'n'roll – I never thought of him as a folk singer or poet or nothing. I just thought he was the sexiest person since Elvis Presley
**[[w:Patty Smith|Patty Smith]], in an interview in 1996 with Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore and as published on FarOut magazine's November 22, 2018 edition

* It was at age 13, in 1977, when I would discover my real passion while watching the live TV coverage of Elvis Presley's funeral. I liked the immediacy of it all, and I knew right then I wanted to do that someday...
** [[w:Shepard Smith|Shepard Smith]], Fox News principal breaking news anchor, detailing what made him decide to become a newsman, in an interview published a nikkiswiftcom on October 29, 2018.

* Elvis Presley came to Weeki Wachee. He could have gone anywhere, but he came here. He was so good looking and he was this total, ultimate Southern gentleman. He had each one of us come up and he presented to us his latest record. He signed mine 'Warmest wishes, to Vicki. Elvis Presley&quot;. I always tell the audience before each show that I did swim, as a mermaid, for Elvis Presley and that he was so cute! But so was I in 1961!&quot;
** Vickie Smith, in 2018, the oldest living performer at the [[w:Weeki Wachee Springs|Weeki Wachee Springs]]'s Mermaid show, in an article published at NBC's News Channel 8 on July 31, 2018.

* Older than Red State versus Blue State, older than the Montagues versus the Capulets, humankind’s primal combat is the age-old conflict between the Early Birds and the Night Owls. Early Birds are those who for some reason think a sunrise is one of life’s great experiences. At their helm is Benjamin Franklin, who famously said, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”. Night Owls are those who believe the pleasure of staying up late is exceeded only by that of sleeping in the next morning—or the next afternoon, if it comes to that. Their hero is Elvis Presley, who famously said, “The sun’s down and the moon’s pretty; it’s time to ramble.”
** Martin Snapp, writing for the University of California's [[w:California magazine|California magazine]], in an article entitled &quot;What’s The Deal with Daylight Saving Time? as published on October 30, 2018.

* He was causing riots wherever he went. On May 5, 1955, he was chased at intermission and across the field by a pack of women at Ladd Stadium in Mobile, right after he finished singing, which had been set to start before intermission....
** [[w:Jimmy Rodgers Snow|Jimmy Rodgers Snow]], son of Hank Snow and as told to Elvis biographer Peter Guralnick

* Chris Richards should look up the accomplishments of Elvis Presley. Presley did more to further black music than any artist on the planet. He made it acceptable and paved the way. Almost all rock historians agree. Richard's article quoted an obscure obscenity from one racist musician but did not include even one of hundreds of positive quotes from his rivals of the day, who loved Presley and his uniting spirit.
** Sonya Lynn Snyder, of Palm Coast, FL, in a letter to the Editor of the [[w:Washington Post|Washington Post]], published on November 30, 2018, in which she issues a strong critique of the writer's narrative in an article entitled, “With Medal of Freedom for Elvis, Trump sends a message” and dated November 16, 2018.

* In some ways, the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals (SDG's) can already be called a success due to its democratic accountability and the active involvement of civil society, but I would like to quote the famous philosopher Elvis Presley, in one of whose timeless hits he asked for “A little less conversation, a little more action -please”. So let's listen to Elvis – and act now!
** Norwegian Prime Minister [[w:Erna Solberg|Erna Solberg]], from her speech at the UN on how best to make the SDGs work, as published by Norway's mission to the UN on September 25 2015.

* If one goes to the Licensing Convention in Las Vegas, the three most iconic images of the 20th century are Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Muhammad Ali.
**[[w:Michael W. Sonnenfeldt|Michael W. Sonnenfeldt]], US entrepreneur, philantrophist and political activist, as noted in a Bloomberg/Quint article published on their December 15 2018 online edition.

* Imagine growing up in post-war Britain. Ration coupons. Rain-slick streets. Bombed-out terraces of dingy brick. And then, shimmering on the horizon, the prospect of salvation: American popular culture. Who needs spirit-sapping austerity when Elvis Presley can cheer you up?
**[[w:Alastair Sooke|Alastair Sooke]], English art critic and broadcaster, in reference to UK Pop Artist [[w:Peter Blake (artist)|Peter Blake]]'s 1959 painting &quot;Girls with their hero&quot;, in his review for the Telegraph of the &quot;Pop Art in a Changing Britain&quot; exhibit, by the Pallant House, and as published on February 21, 2018.

* As with Marilyn, Liz and Marlon, Warhol instinctively understood the Elvis brand as an industrialized construct and radically revealed it as a precisely composed non-reality. Of course Elvis offered Warhol the biggest brand of all, and he accentuates this by choosing a manifestly contrived version of Elvis-the-film-star, rather than the raw genius of Elvis as performing Rock n' Roll pioneer.
** Auction house [[w:Sotheby|Sotheby]]'s laud of Elvis, as detailed in their catalogue prior to the sale of Andy Warhol's &quot;Double Elvis&quot; which went under the hammer for US37.5 million on May 9, 2012

* Don't get too hot and bothered. We have heard some expressions of annoyance among the older set over the current teenage rage, a young hillbilly entertainer named Elvis Presley. We were about to identify Mr. Presley more explicitly as a singer, but out of deference to sensitive feelings we chose the less controversial noun. Elvis puts on the most active act on TV, contorting his face and body as though in great pain, whomping the daylights out of his defenceless guitar, and uttering unintelligible shrieks and groans. The latter manifestations, preserved on phonograph records, are selling like mad. A good many parents seem fearful for the future of American youth if it can see merit in Mr. Presley's aggravated assaults on the musical idiom. We would remind such worriers of their own youth. Don't they recall their parents threatening to smash the loud speaker of the battery radio if Rudy Vallee megaphoned the 'Maine Stein Song' through it once again? Or fretting over juvenile appreciation for Cab Calloway's scat lyrics? But somehow the youngsters of yesterday grew up to be the sensible citizens of today, and now Rudy's crooning and Cab's hi-de-hi sound sort of pleasantly old-fashioned. So brace up, parents of '56. In another 20 years Elvis Presley really won't seem so bad, and your grown-up teenagers will be biting their nails over the entertainment sensation of '76.&quot;
** Southwestersontario's 1956 take on the advent of Elvis Presley and predictions of his taming, as published on August 20, 2018.

* So you went into this movie really tuned...
** [[w:Kevin Spacey|Kevin Spacey]], answering a reporter who said she never liked Nixon or Elvis, as recorded on their press conference on May 6, 2016.

* I think Elvis is the sexiest man to ever walk the earth. I love him.
** [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* The budget is $269 million and Montpetit thinks it will finish under budget. We’re in the middle of a resurgence in the capital, and called the old train station part of a cultural landscape, a national landscape that once saw soldiers leave for war and return years later and one that welcomed Winston Churchill, the Emperor of Japan, and Elvis Presley.
** [[w:Tom Spears|Tom Spears]], for the Ottawa Citizen, in an article its old conference centre slowly becoming the Canadian Senate

* He's a great singer. Gosh, Elvis is so great. You have no idea how great he is, really, you don't. You have absolutely no comprehension—it's absolutely impossible. I can't tell you why he's so great, but he is. He's sensational. He can do anything with his voice. Elvis can make some masterful records and can do anything. He can sing any way you want him to...
** [[w:Phil Spector|Phil Spector]], record producer, the originator of the &quot;Wall of Sound&quot; technique in an interview with Rollingstone magazine in 1969.

* The “Hamilton” fiasco, with members of the hit Broadway show berating Vice President-elect Mike Pence from the stage, brought to mind another New York event from 44 years ago, when entertainers – at least some of them – had a vastly different idea of their place in American culture. On June 9, 1972, Elvis Presley, about to perform a series of sold-out concerts at Madison Square Garden, held a press conference. It being 1972, it was inevitable that he would be asked about what was then a new phenomenon: the politicization of the arts. One questioner asked him, “Mr. Presley, as you’ve mentioned your time in the service, what is your opinion of war protesters and would you today refuse to be drafted?”Elvis answered: “Honey, I’d just sooner keep my own personal views about that to myself cause I’m just an entertainer and I’d rather not say. Asked next “Do you think other entertainers should also keep their personal views to themselves, he answered: “No, I can’t even say that!” Elvis was right. The cast of “Hamilton,” and the legions of their virtue-signaling followers are wrong. Elvis, unlike them, grasped that audiences might enjoy “Heartbreak Hotel” or “Suspicious Minds,” or “Hamilton” or any other work of art of any genre, without necessarily subscribing to, or caring about, or even knowing, the political views of the artist. . The performing arts are growing increasingly politicized, and that is why it is harder and harder to find apolitical entertainers like Elvis. It will take performers of courage to remember that no one own the culture, and to regain the spirit of Elvis and go back to being simply entertainers. Until those performers emerge, the stage and screen will find their audiences steadily diminishing, and fewer and fewer political enemies in the audience to lecture. If the “Hamilton” cast doesn't want them around, there are plenty of Elvis records to play to while away the evening.
** [[w:Robert Spencer|Robert Spencer]], for Canadian Free Press, published on 22 November, 2016

* It remains a camp and cult classic and was one of my favourite films during my formative years.
** Multi-Oscar winning Director [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]], referring to Elvis' 1963 MGM film &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot;, which he saw as a then 17 year old film student, and as published in neraroramacom

* Even as a young man, that's what Presley sounded, like a man. I wasn't of a culture nor a region that found Presley appealing, and I've never seen a Presley movie through but, a few years ago when in a tribute to him various modern singers covered some of his originals, followed, or enclosed by, his versions of the same songs, I was struck by how much fuller, deeper, and richer his were.
** Al Spike, explaining to North Africans why Presley's manly baritone rang true, in the web`s &quot;Chicago Boyz&quot;.

* I was sitting at a writing desk in a hotel lobby writing a letter, and he just came up to me and started talkin How could you not know who he was even then?. I was friendly and told him I loved his record, Heartbreak Hotel.Then he took me  to the gift shop to show me a magazine.  This says I'm a hillbilly. I'm not, am I?' he  said, 'No, you're a singer.' And after that I was with him and the guys all the time. There wasn't a crowd then, just a few guys. Back then,Elvis was surrounded by the first wave of what would become known as the Memphis MafiaI was the only woman in the group.  Girls come and go but sisters stay forever. This sister lasted forever. We were friends till the day he died. We werelike kids in 1956 In the afternoons in Las Vegaswe would ride bumper cars at an amusement parkand  went out for adventures wherewecould escape the crwds. He loved the fact that I had a light blue Cadillac, and he bought the same car for his mother in pink. One day we drove my car out into the desert, and his cousin came with us. Elvis drove that car as fast as it could go, and I was in the front seat whooping and screaming and laughing. His cousin was on the floor in the back he was so scared. But I'd been a stunt player in the movies, and Elvis couldn't go fast enough to scare me. When they visited Graceland, westayed up all night listening to Elvis singing and playing the piano. He liked to sing hymns. I didn't know any hymns, but I do now. He introduced me to Amazing Grace.&quot;  in Los Angeles, where Elvis made movies, I remember going out on a Sunday with him and his friend, actor Nick Adams.Elvis decided to stop in a sports store and buy us bows and arrows. It was just whimsy. We went up to Mulholland Drive and were shooting bows and arrows, and nobody saw us. When his mother, Gladys, died in 1958, Judy came to the funeral. I've never seen anyone as sad as Elvis was. He grieved. He cried continuously. We were in the front hall at Graceland, and he stood there hugging me for a half-hour. He was crying and crying and crying. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.In later years, I attended his Las Vegas concerts, and he would stop the show to introduceme to the audience. I had married by then and so had he. By the time drugs invaded his life,I  was less involvedI never think of him as he was the last year or year and a half,&quot; I think of him as so vibrant and beautiful and funny. When he died, a whole part of my life changed, and I died a little.&quot;
**[[w:Judy Spreckels|Judy Spreckels]], a close friend of Elvis, and the former wife of Hawaiian based Sugar Baron Adolph B. Spreckels Jr, in an interview with TIME, as published in its August 20, 1958 edition.Elvis' as wel as in aarticle n the Ag published on August 13, 2002

* I'd seen Elvis seated on first class as I entered the plane, so when he came to the coach section before the plane landed and went up and down the aisle signing autographs to all of us there I said “Hey, would you sign this for my girlfriend Allison, you know, Steve Binder manages me,” and he said, “Yes, Yes, I love Steve, Steve’s great,” It didn't then mean much to me (1972), but it was all pretty cool and he was a very sweet guy. In fact, I wasn't a big Elvis fan at the time, but I am now.
** Australian singer and songwriter [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]], recalling his meeting Elvis, who he feels is one half of the most celebrated couple of individuals he ever met, the other being Paul McCartney. In Elvis' case, it was on a commercial airplane Springfield's had taken en route to his native Australia but with a layover in Hawaii where Elvis was headed for a vacation in May of 1972. Abridged from two interviews, one published by the AV Club's online page on April 2 of 2016, the other from the Chicago Tribune, dated December 01, 2011, where Springfield recounted how his girlfriend was later crushed, the autograph never reaching her, stolen as it was a bit afterwards along with a a recorder he always travelled with, during that long, long Springfield flight from Los Angeles.

* i) FUN ... it is waiting for you, Mr. and Mrs. Everyday American, and guess what? It is your birthright,” writes Springsteen of that galvanic Elvis moment. Springsteen’s familiar stage voice, his corny carny barker way with action verbs, leaps from the page in assessing what Elvis promised: “The life-blessing, wall-destroying, heart-changing, mind-opening bliss of a freer, more liberated existence. ii) Somewhere in between the mundane variety acts on a routine Sunday night in the year of our Lord 1956, THE REVOLUTION HAS BEEN TELEVISED iii) There have been a lotta tough guys. There have been pretenders. And there have been contenders. But there is only one king.iv)it was like he came along and whispered some dream in everybody’s ear, and somehow we all dreamed it. ii) When I heard it, it just shot straight through to my brain. And I realized, suddenly, that there was more to life than what I'd been living. I was then in pursuit of something and there'd been a vision laid out before me. You were dealing with the pure thrust, the pure energy of the music itself. I was so very young but it still hit me like a thunderbolt.
**[[w:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]], in his autobiography, &quot;Born to Run&quot; published in 2016 ii) explaining why Elvis' version of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; is one of the eight songs he would take ti a desert island, as revealed to the BBC4, in an article published in Rolling Stone magazine's edition of 17 December 2016.

* The way that I would entertain my family was via impersonations, and I had this very strange combination of who I would do: Yasser Arafat and Elvis Presley. That's just who I impersonated as a seven-year-old. My family was like, ‘Oh, these are good,’ and they would all laugh. I think it made them think I would be an actor.
** Ariel Stachel, Israeli actor currently starring in the off Broadway hit musical [[w:The Band's Visit (musical)|The Band's Visit]], as published in broadway com, on December 4, 2017.

* Elvis Presley's  Suspicious Minds and Cant help falling in love.........
** Stacey of the Stacey &amp; JSbu South African  radio duo,  focussing on her top two choices for Father's day, as noted in an article entitled &quot; Stacey &amp; JSbu share their Father's Day Playlists&quot;, as published on Zambia's [[w:East Coast Radio (South Africa)|East Coast Radio]]'s June 21, 2020 edition.

* I asked him if he wanted me to pull up. He said, 'No.' I said, 'Are you sure? I could leave a welt.' He replied, 'That's OK.' So I belted him. That slap you hear in the film was not put in afterward – that was the slap.&quot;
** [[w:Joan Staley|Joan Staley]], remembering the scene where she was called to slap Elvis across the face as noted in the 2001 book Fantasy Femmes of Sixties Cinema.

* Evis called and said that he liked to screen &quot;Rocky&quot;, and that he was going to rent a theater in Memphis so that we could watch the film together. And I didn't go. I was shy, believe it or not. And I remember, when he died in 1977, I was doing &quot;F.I.S.T&quot;. So now I try to instill in my children: Grab something when it's offered.
** [[w:Sylvester Stallone|Sylvester Stallone]], recalling the time he almost got to meet Elvis, in an interview with Michael Hainey as published in GQ's September 2010 edition

* Elvis Presley was my rock ’n’ roll favorite, bigger than life to me. No one had seen somebody that looked like that or moved like that, not in staid, suburban, white society
** Musician [[w:Michael Stanley|Michael Stanley]], as noted in Cleveland magazine's April 29, 2019 edition

* If Elvis were playing through a stack of amplifiers, he would be called a heavy metal singer today. The problem is some of the kids who grew up loving everything he stood for, are now journalists who have become what they feared most, parents. No one name says more than his, ELVIS. It roars while others whisper.
** [[w:Paul Stanley|Paul Stanley]], of the band Kiss, in an article published in People magazine's October 31, 1988 edition.

* It's because you reminded me so much of Robert. He was gorgeous, and so are you...
** Actress [[w:Barbara Stanwyck|Barbara Stanwyck]], explaining to Elvis, on the set of&quot;Roustabout&quot;, why she didn't like him at first, Elvis' physical appearance somewhat reminding her of her second failed marriage, namely with actor Robert Taylor, from an interview with Sonny West, who was present at the Paramount stage when the conversation took place.

* I credit my sister Cleedy and my father for the Staple Singers, because Pops would have her singing in a minor. Her soprano was different from anybody else's. And Pops had on his guitar a tremolo. He went to the music store one day, and he came back with this tremolo. I was too young to know who he was, but Elvis Presley told me one time, “I like the way your father plays guitar. He plays a nervous guitar.” I said, “Nervous?! That’s the first time I heard that.” But that was a good name for it. Nervous. Our sound was so unique. What helped Elvis was that when he did interviews, he would tell that he got it from blacks'
** [[w:Mavis Staples|Mavis Staples]], American rhythm and blues and gospel singer, actress, and civil rights activist, reminiscing about Elvis̪ roots, as published in elvisin australiacom

* My mom brought me home from the hospital after my birth with the radio off. This, she told me, was so when we got home and she danced me around to Elvis Presley's “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You,” it was the first musician I would ever hear.
** Seth Stapleton, writing for the [[w:Huron Daily Tribune|Huron Daily]]'s Saturday, April 21, 2018 edition in the award winning article &quot;A Pilgrimage to the King&quot;.

* Return to sender...
** Words engraved in [[w:Freddie Starr|Freddie Starr]]'s coffin, as noted by the BBC on June 13, 2019.,

* If I fly in, can you arrange seating arrangements at one of his shows?
** [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]]'s request to Ken Mansfield, who had formerly been the US manager of Apple Records, to arrange for him to attend an Elvis show on the last week of January of 1970, at the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Starr flew from Los Angeles, CA after Mansfield acted on his request, and they saw the show, but only Ringo was later allowed to meet with Presley personally, as told in the Beatles Bible, on June 20, 2017.

* I didn't know him personally, but I was a fan of his, loved his music, energy and his voice: he had that fast vibrato that was so nice. At that time you weren't allowed to express yourself in those ways, so they showed him from the waist up, not the waist down. I mean, he was a little sexy guy! I was a little kid, but I asked 'Why won't they show all of him?' He would wiggle all the way down, and the girls would be screaming, and when I saw him on TV, I would be screaming too! And I loved the way his hair would shake when he got so emotional, you know? So when I got the chance to do his music, I welcomed it. (The racist controversy) never troubled me, because he wrote me a note. it was at the time I was divorcing Clarence Carter, and my stuff ended up all over the place, so I don't know what happened to the note, Back then I didn't think anything of it – I thought he would live forever but he told me he really, really, really loved my version of 'In The Ghetto&quot;. I have no idea where it is after all this time. Back then I didn't think anything of it – I thought he would live forever.”
** Soul singer [[w:Candi Staton|Candi Staton]] commenting on their duet video in an interview with Simon Price, from Oct 16 2014

* I think the chances of that are roughly the same of Elvis Presley walking in here right now.
** [[w:James Stavridis|James Stavridis]], Retired Navy Admiral and former NATO supreme allied commander. on the possibilities of nuclear war with North Korea actually taking place, in an interview for VOX on 28 September, 2017.

* Elvis was my first massive record obsession. I didn’t quite move like him, but I use to dress up as him sometimes as a kid
** UK singer [[w:Stealth|Stealth]]'s answer to Eileen Shapiro on who was his first musical influence, in an interview for the Huffington Post published on 16 March 2017.

* Finally, he wove into ‘Hound Dog’ and bounced off the stage, carrying the mike with him. There, on the 50-yard-line, he sank to his knees, rose, wove, bumped, ground and sank again, time after time. The girls screamed themselves silly. If that may have been obscene, but it was in the same way the climax of a revival meeting is obscene. Elvis worked himself over to the grass alongside the stage, sank almost out of sight and suddenly slipped into the waiting Cadillac. A motorcycle cop roared out in front, the car drove off and quickly the bowl's overhead lights were turned on. The shrieks became groans of disappointment. But the ball was over, the spell was broken. Noisily, the fans began filing out of the stadium, spent.
** William Steif, writer for the &quot;San Francisco News&quot;, on assignment at the Dallas [[w:Cotton Bowl (stadium)|Cotton Bowl]] to find out, as he put it, &quot;what makes Elvis tick&quot; and as published in that newspaper on October 13, 1956.

* My father, [[w:Herbert Stein|Herbert Stein]] was at the time Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers and worked at the White House, often took me for lunch there where top dogs were allowed to have delicious meals, served by Navy Mess NCOs. We saw many famous people there, but one day, roughly three years before I myself started working there, he leaned towards me confidentially and said, “If you saw Elvis Presley in person, would you recognize him?” “I think so,” said I. “Well, look behind you.” I swiveled my hairy head around, and to my total shock, there was Elvis Presley eating with President Richard Nixon's Chief of Staff, [[w:Bob Haldeman|Bob Haldeman]] a much feared but extremely pleasant and smart man. I got up, made my excuses to Mr. Haldeman, and said to Elvis, “Sir, everyone in the world is your fan, but I am your biggest fan.” In a voice and with a phrase that is incredibly famous, he simply said, “Thank yew ver’ much.” I was dazed. But I did not forget. And if you were to ask me to cite a lesson from it, it would be a line from a great [[w:Joan Didion|Joan Didion]] novel called &quot;Play It As It Lays: “You can’t win if you’re not at the table.” “Connections are golden.” Well worth remembering.
**[[w:Ben Stein|Ben Stein]], explaining how his telling that story, over the years, led to his playing the role of the professor in John Hughes's “Ferris Bueller’s Day off&quot;, as published in the American Spectator's March 16, 2015 edition in an article entitled &quot;Love is strange, but so was the effect of meeting Elvis&quot;

* Actually, he was an easy-going guy. No putting on airs, like he was some big star. An ordinary person, very polite, very obliging, a wonderful man, when I look back on it. It's a shame he had to go so soon.”
** Karl-Heinz Stein, barber at [[w:Ray Barracks, Friedberg, Germany|Ray Barracks]] in Friedburg, who cut Elvis hair three times a month during his 17 month stay with the US Army in Germany, as published on the German way-s online page.

* Elvis is like a bull in the ring. He belongs to the crowd—and they refuse to let him go.
** Shifra Stein, writing a review of one of Elvis̪ last concert as published on the [[w:Kansas City Times|Kansas City Times]]' June 20, 1977 edition,

* An oldies station was on the radio and it was playing that old Elvis song, 'I Want You, I Need you, I love you&quot; so  I just started singing my own song but it was 'I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.' I remember going home and I tried so hard but the best I could do was: 'I want you, I need you,   but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad'   So it was still a twist but it was my closest to a simple song, and one Elvis could have done.
**[[w:Jim Steinman|Jim Steinman]],  on how he wrote Meat Loaf's &quot;Two Out of Three Ain't Bad! as published on Smooth Radio's on the day after Meatloaf's passing ( 21 January 2022 edition),   

* Certainly the most famous performer to be attached to a tongues-speaking fellowship was Elvis Presley; shortly after the Presleys arrived in Memphis, from Tupelo, a First Assembly of God bus swung through their rundown neighborhood, so they climbed aboard and became regulars of Pastor James Hamill's congregation; Hamill remembers Elvis attended Sunday school and was exposed there to the best in Pentecostal music; in 1957, after he achieved international acclaim, Presley said 'We used to go to these religious sing-ins all the time, and there were these perfectly fine singers nobody responded to, but there were also these other singers who cut up all over the place, jumping on the piano, moving every which way, and all of which the audience liked, so I guess I learned from them'; uninhibited Pentecostalism gave young Elvis ideas about music and performance and, from then on, he was sometimes called the &quot;Evangelist&quot; by his inner circle of friends.
** Randall J. Stephens, American Religion historian, recounting how Elvis got attached to Gospel and Christian Music, years before he decided to take up a music career, albeit heavily influencing it, as excerpted from in his book &quot;The Fire Spreads: Holiness and Pentecostalism in the American South&quot;, published in 2008

* When Elvis Presley rolled up his sleeve in October 1956 and was photographed receiving the new polio vaccine hours before his appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, he became a massive force for the wonders of public health.Before Elvis got his shot, the number of teenagers to get the vaccine was 0.6%. After the show, the rates went up to 80%.
** Dr. Anne Stephenson, professor at {{w|Deakin University}}, as noted in an opinion entitled COVID-19 vaccines: Why Elvis impersonators can change suspicious minds&quot; and published on ausdoc.com.au's 18th February 2021 edition

* The Warriors had cut the lead to as little as two points in the third quarter, the inevitable onslaught stemming from a groin injury that took LeBron James out of the game for good. But then it was Stephenson of all people, former LeBron archival known for blowing in his ear as much as for his questionable shot selection, hitting a momentum-regaining 3-pointer as the third quarter buzzer sounded. True to form, he followed up the huge shot with his trademark guitar-playing celebration -- though this one had some extra hip gyration that would have made Elvis Presley stand up and applaud.
** About {{w|Lance Stephenson}}, in an article published in CBS Sports 26 December 2018 edition.

* I'll never forget it. We were in the rehearsal hall, and all of a sudden, we heard this commotion coming down the hall and there was this entourage of people coming into the room, When Elvis walked into the room, my mouth dropped. I'm like, Wow, I now understand why this guy is the biggest star in the world. He had magnetism. He filled the room. He really did. And to be able to sing with him for about a year and a-half of my life was an amazing experience. He was just a great singer. When you listen to Elvis' records, back in the day when he recorded, everything was recorded analog. There were really no computers to tune your voice or anything. He just had a natural talent. And he recorded in a recording studio just like he sang on stage. He held a microphone in his hand. He walked around the recording studio, and it was like he was doing a live performance. And he hardly ever shaded a pitch. He was just so talented, he really was.”
** {{w|Richard Sterban}}, bass singer for the Oak Ridge Boys, who, along with a few others, voted Elvis as the top entertainer in CMT Top 40 artist countdown, as published in CMT´s online edition of November 21, 2014.

* Elvis Presley, Hugh Hefner, Frank Sinatra – maybe not the kind of men you'd expect to embrace environmentally-friendly technology even if they were around to see it. However they were all diehard Cadillac guys, and we have to think that if anyone can convince its set-in-their-ways customers to go electric, it's Detroit's most famous luxury brand.
** [[w:Jared Paul Stern|Jared Paul Stern]] writing in [[w:Maxim (magazine)|Maxim]] about Cadillac's first ever electric car, as published on their January 14, 2019 edition in an article entitled &quot;An American icon enters the EV age&quot;

* Back in 2002, Eminem rapped about “little hellions, kids feeling rebellious — embarrassed their parents still listen to Elvis.” Plenty of those little hellions rebelled against their parents (and the carefree ignorance of the pre-9/11 world) and grew up into today's hipsters.
** DJ Stevens, in an article entitled &quot;ASK A HIPSTER, Is Eminem Elvis' heir?&quot;, published in the [[w:San Diego Reader|San Diego Reader]] on 29 August, 2018.

* Elvis was big for me, even from a very young age; That was the music that was around my house; I love that stuff, great songs and, as a singer, he was 'The Great' rock and roll singer.
** {{w|Rogers Stevens}}, guitarist for the rock band Blind Melon, answering Ben Bounds's question as to whose artist influenced him the most, and the earliest, as published in the Starkville Daily news (11 August, 2008)

* One word to describe him̜? Sexy
** [[w:Stella Stevens|Stella Stevens]], who starred with Elvis in Girls, Girls, Girls, in an interview with Joan Rivers in 1992

* Alas, this turned out to be his only time on UK soil...
** [[w:Stewart Stevenson|Stewart Stevenson]], Scotland's Minister for Transport, Infrastructure and Climate Change, speaking to assembled guests and the media as Prestwick airport celebrated the unveiling of a plaque heralding Elvis Presley's visit on 3 March 1960, a brief refuelling stop as he flew home from Germany after finishing national service with the US Army.

* I believe we need to restore confidence in Illinois. We deserve a state government that you can trust. It has been my mission as your state representative to support, sponsor, and vote for common sense solutions that provide for balanced budgets, to resist tax increases without a commitment to responsible spending, and to secure jobs for working families. I believe doing so will help you have more faith in our state government. I agree with Elvis Presley. “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.”
** [[w:Brian W. Stewart|Brian W. Stewart]], Illinois State representative, in an article entitled Restoring confidence in Illinois, and published on September 27, 2018, in rrstar.com

* As soon as we were done with the first shot, he said, ‘You wanna talk?’ I was shocked. He pulled up two chairs together, we sat down, he took my hand and then he began to tell me about his mother. He talked about how much he missed her, how when he was in the Army, they wouldn't let him go see her when she was dying. It wasn't like he was flirting, he was just being very sweet and could not have been nicer.
** Actress [[w:Charlotte Stewart|Charlotte Stewart]], best known after appearing in the first four seasons of NBC-TV's &quot;Little House on the Praire&quot;, talking to Fox News Entertainment, on April 26, 2017, about the friendship she struck with Elvis in early 1968 after performing with him a single unbilled scene in MGM's &quot;Speedway&quot;

* i) I mean, they treat me like I'm Elvis there, they really do. ii) Elvis was the king. No doubt about it. People like myself, Mick Jagger and all the others only followed in his footsteps. iii)Bloody Elvis, beating me to the top from the grave.
** [[w:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] i) tells ABC News Radio.[http://www.classichitsandoldies.com/v2/2013/07/22/rod-stewarts-still-loving-vegas-they-treat-me-like-im-elvis-there/] ii) as published in www.graceland.com iii) joking about the fact his 2015 album was stopped from topping the UK charts by Elvis' If I can dream

* The third day started with a biscuit breakfast on the bus as we headed set course toward Tupelo to visit Elvis Presley's birthplace. I had given our group a loose itinerary, but what the group didn't know is that I had arranged for an Elvis tribute artist to stand on the side of the road five miles out of Oxford with his thumb out, hitchhiking. We picked him up, Jack Curtis was his name, and he performed a concert of Elvis' classics, up and down the aisle of the bus, all of the way in to Tupelo. We got out to tour the Elvis Presley birthplace and my guests said, “I don’t know how you’re going to top this.”....
** Restaurateur Robert St John, recounting the visit he and a large group of tourist made to Mississippi's best restaurants, and which included a stop at Elvis birthplace, as published in an article at the Meridian Star on October 16, 2018.

* More than 30 years ago, the Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) Fraternity joined the fight against childhood cancer when Danny Thomas, founder of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and fraternity member from the Gamma-Nu chapter at the University of Toledo, asked his fraternity to help him with his cause. Before Thomas could make his dream of building St. Jude a reality, he garnered the help of, inter-alia, Rock 'n' roll legend and fellow Tau Kappa Epsilon member Elvis Presley, who instantly became one of Danny's supporters by lending his talents to help raise funds for cancer-stricken children.
** {{w|St. Jude Children's Research Hospital}}’s laud of Elvis’ commitment to St Jude's. as noted in the Hospital's online page.

* The most important entertainer in the 20th Century, certainly, and the only people that could even challenge him were the Beatles, but they weren̪'t single performers, so it̪s Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Mike Stoller}}, agreeing with Jerry Lieber, that Elvis was indeed the most important individual artist of the 20th Century, as noted in a filmed interview for the 1987 BBC television special &quot;Cut me and I bleeð&quot;.

* We played Anaheim, CA in 1973. I was told to fix a problem with an unauthorized limo trying to get in the back entrance, so I tapped on the chauffeur's window but he said I should talk to the lady in the back. I knock, and there she was, {{w|Elizabeth Taylor}}. I was 22 but I had to tell her to walk through the entrance. Same thing in 1974, this time in Philadelphia, PA, but for once the unauthorized limo was carrying someone Elvis already knew, so he got to stay. It was {{w|Muhammad Ali}}.
** Charles Stone, Elvis head of security, in a video filmed on 10 January 2015 at E P Birthday Festival in Stockholm, Sweden

* I was always a fan of   Elvis as I was growing up. When I saw him in Vegas, with Phil Spector and his wife, in 1971,   he  was just awesome, had tremendoous energy,  charisma, such a handsome man, and a great voice, so  actually there was nothing not to like about him. And then,   after meeting him backstage,   you realize  that you are in the presence of someone so gifted, and that it's humbling, really.  
** {{w|Mike Stone (karate)|Mike Stone}}, in an interview in the Ultimate Elvis channel.  

* Elvis Presley is a means of seduction, a tool of US imperialism, to make the Communist youth lose its values in the midst of a possible atomic war.
** [[w:Willi Stoph|Willi Stoph]], the then East Germany's Minister of Defense, in a communique signed in April of 1959, coinciding with the time Elvis was serving with the US Army in the then West Germany.

* It as a real hoot to meet him. After he toured the plane he introduced himself, like 'Well, Ron, I guess you know who I am.' I said 'Yes sir, Mr. Presley.' And then he said 'Oh no, it's not sir or mister. Just call me Elvis.
** Ron Strauss, pilot for Elvis' four-engine Convair 800 jet, the Lisa Marie, in an interview published on the [[w:USA Today|Journal Sentinel]]'s May 30 2019 edition.

* I never understood his records at first, and then many years later, I thought, &quot;God this guy is good&quot;. He had that wonderful sexuality about him, and energy, he was a star, you know, he was bigger than life. Anyways, because I'd met him a couple of times, singing with him was kind of easy, it felt like our spirits were kind of touching...
** [[w:Barbra Streisand|Barbra Streisand]], on singing &quot;Love me tender&quot; with Elvis, thirty seven years after he had passed away, for her album &quot;Partners&quot;, as explained on a clip published in her Facebook page, on 6 September, 2014

* For international visitors, Amtrack is a very common and comfortable means of transportation. To eliminate that, because we're such a strong destination, namely with Elvis Presley home Graceland, Beale Street and Memphis music history being such big draws for international tourists, would be a big, big loss, as lots of people have taken Amtrack train and it has given even more people the opportunity to visit and fall in love with our city.
** [[w:Jim Strickland (politician)|Jim Strickland]], Mayor of Memphis, TN, commenting and raising concern about the possibility that 200 cities and towns across the entire US may lose access to Amtrak, as published on 31 March at the Commercial Appeal.

* Multiple scholars have probed the Elvis cult's Celtic, Gnostic, Hindi, and vodun derivations; have contemplated Graceland's status as &quot;sacred space&quot;; and considered how and why some insist that Elvis, like Jesus, defeated death. Less charitable writers cynically attribute the entire phenomenon to the highly successful mass-marketing techniques of his estate and to the susceptibility of an apparently passive public bent on real-world escapism through, especially, the &quot;transformative&quot; ideology of consumerism.
** [[w:University of Tulsa|Jim Stromberg]] [[w:University of Tulsa|Jim Stromberg]], of the Univ. of Tulsa in his article entitled ̊Is Elvis Alive?: The Ideology of American Consumerism̊ , as published on 19 March 2004 at the Journal for Popular Culture.

* I was with  Elvis for a few months.  He was so physically beautiful, I thought I couldnt breathe. So one night he said, do you want me to sing something to you? So he played his &quot;Spanish Eyes&quot;  song and sang it to me, seven times,  back to back, as I requested he did.   He was kind to his friends, to his family, to strangers, talented, thoughtful, funny.  This girl  came to a party in his house and I noticed she had two prostetic legs.  So  I asked who she was and he said it was somoene he didnt know really,   but invited to his oarties every fortnight   so that she could feel wanted, loved.....
** [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]] in a Gilbert Goddfries podcast published on January 17, 2022. 

* The immediate feeling you have is of the entirety of his life. You feel a young man full of potential. On seeing this 13 acres, you realize that he was at a point in his life that because of creativity, he was able to buy it. You feel all the happy times and all the people that have come and gone, dignitaries and musicians. I just wished that the walls could have talked. But in actual fact, the real treat was the private tour of the mansion, which the good folks of Graceland gave to the General Hospital crew. One of the special features is Elvis' white piano and I wish I could have played it, but we weren't allowed on that side of the velvet ropes. It's a big, white Steinway with actual ivory keys. It certainly has a history and you could just imagine Elvis himself playing there.
** {{w|James Patrick Stuart}}, Actor, voice talent, musician and the son of Chad Stuart, of the {{w|Chad &amp; Jeremy}} British pop duo, reflecting on his visit to Graceland and as reported on the February 21, 2019 issue of Parade magazine.

* The general idea is that Mississippi claims to be the birthplace of America's music and can pretty well back it up. The spiritual home of rock in roll in our state to me is Elvis Presley's birthplace in Tupelo. The B.B. King Museum and Interpretive Center over in Indianola, up in the Delta, that's where the blues live. The Grammys put in a museum at Delta State University, so that's the north part of the state. And the central part, kind of in the land of Jimmie Rodgers, is going to be Marty Stuart's Congress of Country Music Hall. That's where my collection, that's where the spiritual home of country music will live, as far as I'm concerned.
** [[w:Marty Stuart|Marty Stuart]], country singer from Mississippi, as published in Scene, on Apr 10, 2017.

* The Melbourne General Cemetery has been operational since 1852 and houses prestigious monuments to Malcolm Fraser, Sir Robert Menzies and Burke and Wills. For 100 years, the 36-tonne Burke and Wills monument was the most visited spot in the cemetery – until 1970 when the Elvis Presley memorial was erected. It is located in such a prominent area of the cemetery that you would have to deliberately avoid it to miss it. During peak hour, as cyclists whiz by on the path, an elderly couple passes it while walking their fluffy dogs. It's a deeply unusual monument to find in the historic grounds, particularly when considering that Elvis never even visited Australia. But then, the 1970s were a strange time for the cemetery. For a while, it was the world's first memorial erected after his death and the only official monument outside the US. In fact, it came about in a whir of circumstances, including a mystery donor
** Sinead Stubbins, in an article entitled &quot;The enduring mystery of Australia's unique Elvis Presley memorial&quot;, published in the Guardian on August 18, 2018,

* Though he is widely considered one of the biggest cultural icons of the 20th century, many may not know that Elvis stuttered. In a 2007 interview, his Tupelo childhood friend Mary Magdalene Morgan recalled how Elvis would stutter in elementary school, always seeming nervous, never completely sitting still, stammering, but not to the point you couldn't understand him. When he was 13 years old, his family moved to Memphis, Tennessee, where he would listen to a variety of musicians and singers on the now famous Beale Street. Influenced by country, gospel, and blues among other styles, Elvis recorded his first songs with Sun Record but it took multiple recordings and several rejections before one of Elvis' songs hit the radio waves in mid July of 1954. In an interview in August of 1956, Elvis talked about his stuttering: ʽWhenever I get excited, I stutter a little bit. I have a hard time saying ‘when’ or ‘where’ or any words that start with ‘w’ or ‘i.’ In fact, evidence of his stuttering as an adult can be heard on recordings from the Louisiana Hayride at the start of his career. On one of these, he can be heard stuttering when he talks to the audience in between songs. After he stutters, he stops himself, pauses and then begins again, changing the words slightly. Today, almost forty after his death he is still the best-selling solo artist in the history of recorded music. He had a dream to become a successful performer and entertainer, and he didn't let his stuttering stand in his way. People struggling with stammering issues can find inspiration in knowing that they share something deeply personal with the most successful singer of all time.
** The {{w|Stuttering Foundation of America}}'s laud of Elvis Presley as published in their Aug. 14, 2015 online edition.

* Elvis was one of a kind. He bought me my first car and that's how I attended my first Hollywood premiere. Elvis said, 'Kid if you're going to go to something like your first Premiere you deserve to attend in the right Style'. And he made sure that I did&quot;
** Michael St John, African American writer and actor of {{w|Carmen Jones (film)}} fame in discussing Elvis on his own Facebook page in 2009.

* Growing up in Beverly Hills in the 1960s, there was no such thing as being star-struck — my neighbors were movie stars. Going shopping one day, after coffee crunch cake at Blum's, I found myself in front of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel staring at a man so beautiful and charismatic that I was magnetically drawn to him as if by a tractor beam. As I approached, he was swarmed by large burly men in Hawaiian shirts. ‘Let her through,’ he said. As if in a dream, I found myself in the magnificent presence of Elvis Presley! He signed my hand and a $5 bill. He spoke to me kindly and gently in soft Southern tones. The autographed bill? I spent it in my college tuition when I ran out of money
** Rosa Sue, as published in the Newsletter section of the [[w:LA Times|LA Times]] on October 11, 2016

* In 1956, even the youngest of his fans knew that the 21-year-old Elvis Presley was unquestionably the whole package; and, obviously, his great three octave tenor voice, with a lower register close to bass, seemed to vibrate on the inner scale of every teenager in America; they loved the high tenor, but when he &quot;got down&quot; with that lower register, fans exploded; Elvis translated this into his moves on stage, so it was a 10.0 assault on the senses.
** Sugarpie Productions essay on Elvis Presley, as published in Clay´s.Daily.Double.com

* I wanted to say to Elvis Presley and the country that this is a real decent, fine boy, and wherever you go, Elvis, we want to say we've never had a pleasanter experience on our show with a big name than we've had with you.
** CBS TV personality [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]], closing his show on the night of January 6, 1957.

* So who got covered on [[w:Life (magazine)|LIFE?]] Thirty-six covers from the first 64 years portrayed one or more of the Kennedy family. John F. Kennedy was on 25 covers, while Jackie edged him out to appear on 26 and earn the number one spot. Robert F. Kennedy appeared on five covers while Edward Kennedy was on nine. Rose Kennedy even made a solo appearance on one cover. Richard Nixon ranked third behind JFK and Jackie in number of appearances by a single individual with 15. Ronald Reagan had 11. But Marilyn Monroe beat him with 13 cover appearances, while Elizabeth Taylor was close behind at nine. Barbra Streisand made four cover appearances. Nikita Krushchev appeared on more covers (9) than Winston Churchill (7), Dwight D. Eisenhower (7), Franklin Delano Roosevelt (5) or Bill Clinton (4). The Reverends Billy Graham and Martin Luther King Jr. each made it onto two covers, while various popes appeared on eight covers between 1936–2000. (Those) never appearing on a LIFE cover included Elvis Presley, Monhandas K. Gandhi and Mother Teresa.
** David E. Sumner, Professor Emeritus at [[w:Ball State University|BSU]], in an 2001 article entitled &quot;Sixty-Four Years of LIFE: What Did Its 2,128 Covers Cover? as published at the Journal of Magazine &amp; New Media Research, Vol. 5, No. 1, Fall 2002 edition refers.

* When Elvis' daddy had a heart attack, Elvis wanted him to have a private room. That was not the problem, but before getting there, rules made it impossible for him to have a private intensive care room, despite the unit was totally empty. So Elvis spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and booked the entire intensive care unit...
** Bassman [[w:J.D. Sumner|J.D. Sumner]], of the Stamps Quertet, as noted in starsmeetthestars

* I approve of his moves last night at the Pan Pacific (October 29, 1957), and saw nothing wrong with them but unfortunately neither my wife nor I could hear a single word out of his mouth because of all the screaming. But he is everything he is reported to be.
** Czech-born, UK conductor, teacher, and pianist {{w|Walter Susskind}}, in an interview with the LA Times as published on 30 October, 1957. He was the Conductor of the Toronto Symphonic Orchestra at the time of the interview.

* I may be the only person who knows Colin Powell and Elvis Presley...
** Major General [[w:William K. Suter|William K. Suter]], then Clerk of the Supreme Court of the United States, as published on May 29, 2013 by the Harlan Institute. In all candor, Gen. Suter may have been unaware that, after meeting Presley in Ft. Hood, there WERE indeed hundreds of soldiers who knew both Powell and Presley, the former having led the latter's unit as a Lt. Col in Germany, during Presley's entire Army tour in that country.

* They listened to music all the way over. And one of them kind of likes Elvis Presley
** Jeff Sween, Chairman of the {{w|National Turkey Federation}} telling WHSV, Channel 3, about &quot;Peas&quot; and &quot;Carrots&quot;, two South Dakota turkeys travelling through sleet and snow some 1,400 miles to DC in the hope to be pardoned at the White House, as customary during the 2018 Thanksgiving celebration.

* We didn't care as much for Elvis and his music - but once we met him - our mouths completely dropped. We could not believe a man was allowed to be this beautiful. We almost lost our job with Elvis because we focused so much on what he looked like that we forgot the lyrics to our songs. He was without doubt the most beautiful man that ever lived. And what's more beautiful: he didn't know it. - Good Lord he was beautiful!
** [[w:The Sweet Inspirations|The Sweet Inspirations]], in a shared post as published by the &quot;Elvis Forget me never&quot; Facebook page,  on 14 March, 2022.  

* It blew my brain apart. It was like Star Wars combined with Elvis Presley and these crazy, sped-up electro beats that I'd known since I was 11 years old.”
** UK Producer [[w:Switch (house DJ)|Switch]] describing his first encounter with a baile funk compilation in an article entitled &quot;This YouTube Channel Is Helping Brazilian Funk Go Global&quot;, published by Vulture on February 11, 2018.

* Some of Symms' most popular images came from a newspaper assignment covering the June 27, 1956 performance of a young Elvis Presley before 6,000 screaming fans jammed into Augusta's Bell Auditorium. When Presley arrived, he found Symms in an alley awaiting him with a 4X5 Crown Graphic camera. Most remember hearing Presley sing several hits including &quot;Hound Dog&quot;, which he would record a month later, but it was Symms' photos which preserved their memories of the performance and continued to sell reprints over the next half-century.
** About noted photographer [[w:Robert Symms|Robert Symms]], as published in the Augusta Chronicle on January 20, 2018.

* White teenagers embraced rock and roll, when the civil-rights struggle cultivated an awareness of African-American culture. Youths such as Elvis Presley listened to late night, rhythm-and-blues radio shows that challenged and broke down racial barriers. During the Sixties, white teens readily accepted African-American performers such as the Ronettes, the Temptations, and the Supremes who had been carefully groomed for success in a mainstream market. At the same time in Britain, teenagers such as the Rolling Stones became obsessed with Chicago blues and brought their version of the blues back to adoring fans in America. Later in the decade, white youth bought soul records and revered Jimi Hendrix as the ultimate guitar hero. By the Eighties, young white suburbanites wore baggy pants and chanted the lyrics of inner-city rappers. In the new century, American teens danced at massive festivals to the African-American sounds of house music and techno.
** [[w:David Szatmary|David Szatmary]], in the introduction to his book Rocking in timeː A Social History of Rock and Roll

== T ==
* He had it all going on: Punk, Algerian chaabi music, Rai, techno, and he drew inspiration from the music of North Africa, New Orleans jazz, The Clash, the delta blues and Elvis Presley.
** Algerian singer and activist {{w|Rachid Taha}}'s obituary, as published in Boing Boing, a few days after his death on September 12, 2018.

* In 1957, I worked with Elvis a bit on ‘Jailhouse Rock,’ and got to know him as well as anybody in Los Angeles at the time. Anyways, that same year I had a beach house that I sublet to him while I was doing ‘Peyton Place.’ He needed it as a getaway, and basically wrote me a check for that month's rent. I wish I had kept the check, that would be worth more than the money I got LOL.
** {{w|Russ Tamblyn}}, dancer and acrobat extraordinaire who visited Elvis at his penthouse suite at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, on the night before the shoot of the Jailhouse Rock title sequence. Although they had never met before, the one week older Tamblyn and Elvis got along fine, immediately, then practiced a few moves and by the next morning, Presley had the complicated scene totally within his grasp, as noted in Elvis Express Radio's September 14, 2016 edition.

* Presley makes no secret of his respect for the negroes, nor of their influence on his singing. Furthermore, he does not shun them, either in public or private
** Tan magazine, an entertainment spinoff by the publishers of {{w|Jet (magazine)|Jet}} magazine, in an article published in April of 1957.

* No person should be allowed to be so great looking and with so much talent. LOL. He's standing on a stage all by himself, like a person in a boxing arena Now the swagger and the swooning are awesome, but the interesting thing about him is how he gets the emotion into the song. And it all sounds so authentic because he believes in what he sings.
** {{w|Ken Tamplin}}, vocal coach, reviewing Elvis' &quot;Cant help falling in love&quot;, the 1968 version, for his vocal academy, as published in YouTube on July 24, 2019.

* That's it for now from us, at the first ever Presidential summit in Graceland, so thank you, thank you very much.
** {{w|Jake Tapper}}'s closing words after covering the Graceland visit by Pres. G. W. Bush and Japanese Prime Minister J. Koizumi for ABC TV News on June 30, 2006.

* To me this album is the purest expression of Elvis there was. In fact, when I was young, I used to think Elvis was the voice of truth. I don't know what that means, but his voice, shit man, it sounded so fucking pure. The hillbilly cat never let you down.
** {{w|Quentin Tarantino}}'s laud of &quot;The SUN Sessions&quot;, a 1976 issued album copmprising Elvis' 1954–55 recordings, as noted in the July 28, 2020 edition of Far Out, in a article entitled &quot;From Bob Dylan to Elvis Presley: Quentin Tarantino created a list of his 10 favourite albums of all time&quot;

* I walked into the lobby of the International Hotel in Las Vegas with Tom Jones, which was like walking in with the Good Lord himself, and next minute we were in Elvis Presley's dressing room. As I stared at him, stunned, one of Elvis's assistants said to me, ‘Sir, will you give this drink to Elvis?’ I said, ‘Yeah,’ took the drink and stood there gaping, like a stagestruck schoolgirl. Couldn't move a muscle. Tom nudged me and said, ‘Give ’im the drink for God’s sake. I struggled to speak to Elvis because I was so overwhelmed and amazed to be in the presence of such a great singer. Next night, it was Elvis who came to Tom’s room. I was in heaven...
** {{w|Jimmy Tarbuck}}, OBE, British comedian, a schoolmate of John Lennon and one of Tom Jones' long time personal closest friends, recalling the night in August of 1969 when he met Elvis, as told in the Express' August 7, 2020 edition

* The reasons for honouring Elvis are not sentimental but political. I don't own a single Elvis album but he was a champion for those amongst our people who turned against our country's Soviet-backed Government in October 1956. And although the revolution was quashed, Presley saluted the uprising in January 1957 during his last appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show and performed &quot;Peace in the Valley&quot;, a gospel standard, as a tribute to our plight. At his request, Sullivan solicited the TV audience to donate towards our relief efforts, raising US$6 million (the equivalent of US$ 49 million in 2012 dollars), or about 26 million Swiss francs.
** Budapest Mayor {{w|István Tarlós}}, explaining to the press why Presley was named a citizen of Budapest and a Park facing the second oldest crossing in the city,the Margaret Bridge, named after him, following the International Red Cross' handling of some 26 million SFR sent by his fans, which they distributed to some 200,000 Hungarians affected by the Soviet invasion in both Vienna and London, where the refugees were allowed to settle for life, and as published in The Guardian's online edition of March 11, 2012.

* Before Elvis, white America was shackled by crippling conservatism. Then, four years into the 1950s, a singer from Tupelo, Mississippi, had what record producer Sam Phillips was looking for, a “white man who had the Negro sound and the Negro feel”, language that makes us cringe now — but at the time, Elvis' &quot;sound&quot; and &quot;feel&quot; did more to break down color barriers in popular music than any white singer ever had. Elvis' low, trembling transmission to teenage America was emancipation in the form of rockabilly, gospel, schlocky love songs, Christmas standards and muddy blues. In the ’60s, his voice was muted by forgettable films, but in 1968, wearing a leather jumpsuit, he reminded America that the suffering in his voice was sex in a sexless society — a pink Cadillac crashing into daddy’s station wagon. —
** Art Tavana, for LA Weekly, in an article entitled the 20 best singers of all time.

* When I’m here, I’m not James Taylor the entertainer, I’m James Taylor the Elvis fan,’
** Singer songwriter {{w|James Taylor}}, telling Rhonda Lamb, Assistant Director of the Elvis Presley Birthplace, in Tupelo, MS, how he felt when visiting Elvis birthplace, in an article published on the Daily Journal on September 25, 2017.

* I was in California, saw &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; and changed my name to Vince Taylor, the former from the first name of the character played by Elvis in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;.
**{{w|Vince Taylor}}, English rock and roll singer, very popular in France and the brother in law of {{w|Joseph Barbera}} as noted in Wikipedia-.

* Elvis Presley. I don't do an impersonations, but Elvis is the most impersonated performer in the world. Just the more I've read about him, the more he's someone I've wanted to get into. I want to do the Walk the Line version of Elvis. Like Joaquin Phoenix doesn't look like Johnny Cash but I still felt like I was watching Johnny Cash in that movie.
** {{w|Miles Teller}}'s answer as to who he would like to play next, in an interview with Parade, published on October 24, 2017.

* I strongly believe he knew he was ill, but didn't know why. In retrospect, his was a classic case of cumulative head trauma, followed by an autoimmune inflammatory disorder. None of this was known or even recognized in his day and I'm confident he would have been pleased to know that the knowledge that now exists about his predicament will in future help others, as he was a kind and generous person
** Dr. {{w|Forest Tennant}}'s main conclusions in his study and essay entitled &quot;Elvis Presley: Head Trauma, Autoimmunity, Pain, and Early Death&quot; as published in Practical Pain Management̺'s June 2013 edition.

* Presley was very classically orientated with his voice, and diction, and very sincere and wanting to get everything perfect.
** {{w|Bryn Terfel}} bass baritone citing one of the reasons why Elvis is the only soloist whose music he listens in his iPod, as told to NYT's Classical Music critic Vivien Schweitzer, and published on that paper on November 10, 2007

* Elvis Presley transcended his being called the King of Rock and Roll, even the music he made famous, in favour of his later becoming one of the XX Century's greatest cultural icons. But it is his versatile voice and his unusual delivery of numerous musical idioms, as well as the attraction he held, physically, and sexually, that led him to his being the greatest solo artist in the history of popular music.
**Terra, a Spanish online publication's views on the power of Presley's voice and it's being ranked as one of the ten most imposing in the history of recorded sound, the latter in conjunction with the celebration of the &quot;Day of the Voice&quot; and published in their online page, on April 15, 2015.-

* He performed at the auditorium in 1955 and 1956. For the first appearance, Elvis was paid $150. He grossed $9,000 when he returned a year later.
** Steven Teske of the {{w|Butler Center for Arkansas Studies}}, on some of the history to surround the forthcoming exhibit on the Robinson Memorial Auditorium, in an article published on the Arkansas Democrat Gazzette on Novebver 4, 208.

* I couldnt believe I was singing with Elvis. My nerves were a wreck...
** {{w|Thalia}},in an interview for youtube published on January 3 2011, reacting to hos she felt when doing her duet on Love me Tender.

* At one point, the Chargers and Raiders planned to share a stadium in Carson. Instead, the Chargers got Los Angeles, and the Raiders are headed to Las Vegas in the next few years. So, prior to this Sunday's game between the Raiders and Chargers in Carson, the Chargers trolled their rivals by playing Elvis Presley's &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; as the Raiders took the field at StubHub Center.
** Ali Thanawalla, for {{w|Yahoo Sports}}, as reported on October 7, 2018.

* I love Elvis because he was my generation, but then again, he's everyone's generation and will always be
** {{w|Margaret Thatcher}} as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* For some people, they are just cars from the past. But classic cars represent an important market segment for investors. With their rising by more than 500 per cent in the past decade, the 2016 Motorworld Classics Fair in Berlin is a good chance for anyone interested in that kind of investment. A perfect example is a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado showcased here. It is not a very rare car, nor is it in a good state, but it was once owned by Elvis Presley, which bumps up the price tag to about half a million euros.
** {{w|The Euronews}}, 11 October, 2016.

* He didn't buy it for himself, he never used it, it was from the start an act of charity, and I certainly hope that once we auction it, it will one day be enshrined, as it has been the witness of history for almost two decades, especially during Pres. FDR's time.
** {{w|Danny Thomas}}, founder of St Jude's in a co-sponsored radio and filmed press conference aboard the 50 meter long, FDR Presidential Yacht, the USS Potomac, which was requested from Elvis, as a gift, to St Jude' in February of 1964. St Jude's then sold it for US$75,000 (equiv. to a little over a half a million in 2018 dollars), on November of that same year, later disappearing for about twenty years, even capsizing, only to be recovered by the US Coast Guard and, as if to grant Mr. Thomas his wish, is currently enshrined as it takes tourists from Oakland to the Golden Gate and back.

*Just last month, nurse Lindsay readily agreed to the request of 9-year-old Desiree Mohammadi, daughter of a Queens pediatrician, and held her small hand as a pediatric nurse administered a Covid jab. Afterward, Desiree sent her idol a grateful thank-you letter. The photos and video of the nurse who was the first person in the US to be vaccinated for Covid-19 will be in textbooks soon, but she is already inspiring children to seek a better understanding of both science and nursing.But perhaps the most significant reason that Dr. Lindsay is our Nurse of the Year is this: as Elvis did with the polio vaccine, she set an example that is saving lives&quot;
** Koren Thomas,  Associate Editor of the &quot;Daily Nurse&quot;, in reference to the achievemnets of  {{w|Sandra Lindsay}}, DHSc, MS, MBA, RN, CCRN-K, NE-BC, who became the first official recipient of a  Covid jab in the US on December 14, 2020,  in an  article published in their December 29, 2021 edition,  which   in turn named her &quot;The Nurse of the Year&quot; 
 
* Elvis was a great partner to St. Jude and was always eager to help raise money for the hospital.  
** {{w|Marlo Thomas}}, actress and social activist, as told on her Facebook page in conjunction with the anniversary of Elvis' death,   in mid August of  2020.  

* People think that we're crazy because we do six nights a week, and then you see how much Elvis put into every show, for which he created this larger than life style, and he pulled it off.
** {{w|Rob Thomas}}, as published by www.graceland.com

* I remenber when I took Elvis by the hand and slowly pulled him on stage. And I said 'Ladies and gentlemen ..... Elvis Presley!! And he did that willow with that leg two or three times and it was over and the show was really over and the people, these were black people, they stormed that place trying to get to Elvis. And never, never in your life have you seen such a surge of black faces all converging upon a stage at the same time. I know of only two people that would have that type of magnetism that would just, they could just pull people to them, the kind of magnetism to just draw crowds in instantly effect them. [Elvis being one], the only other was Martin Luther King. The fact is people like music and if it's good it makes no difference who's doing it, black, blue, green even plaid if it's like that. And I love good music and Elvis was doing blues, rhythm and blues because that was his beginning.
** Bluesman {{w|Rufus Thomas}}, recalling the night of December 7, 1956, when he introduced Elvis at an all black revue organized by WDIA, in Memphis, as published in http://www.elvis.net/theysayframe.html and in Elvis lives, a 2002 ABC TV documentary.

*Ladies and gentlemen, the McDonnell Douglas aircraft have left the air. Yeah, they were as iconic as Elvis Presley.
** Rich Thomaselli, for Travel Pulse, in an article bidding good bye to the TMD-88 and {{w|McDonnell Douglas MD-90}} planes holding a revered place in aviation history and which retired on June 2, 2020.

* There is nothing that could force Donald Trump to release his tax returns, but precedent and Hillary Clinton's willingness to release hers would have nudged most other presidential hopefuls into taking the action. All this reminds me of the fact that accountants for Elvis Presley begged him at times to take advantage of the legal loopholes available to him. It would have saved him millions. He demurred on the basis that the patriotic thing to do was to pay for the privilege of his success.
** {{w|Dan Thomasson}}, columnist for Tribune News Service, commenting on the 2016 presidential election, as published in the Commercial Appeal on October 3, 2016.

* What makes USA the most aspirational destination to Indians is probably our own pop culture. Out of 1.3 billion Indians, there are 700 million young people who are under the age of 35. By 2020, the median age is going to be 29 years and when I think about a younger demographic, everything in the United States is appealing to them. Pop, short for popular music originated in neighborhoods across the US, when people of various ethnicities came together and merged their musical talents transcends geographical borders, races, and even traditional music styles. It is the music of today. Traditional guitars or electric ones, playing of pop music is not restricted to instruments either. Elvis Presley, in fact, is one of the first stars associated with the popularity of pop music. He fused country music with black rhythm and blues and came up with rock-and-roll.
** Christopher Thompson, President and CEO of {{w|Travel Promotion Act of 2009|Brand USA}}, in an article entitled &quot;Brand USA Plays the music card&quot; published by India Media Group on November 22, 218

* One day in the 70s, I talked Elvis into going with me to the local McDonald's restaurant near Graceland. I was sick and tired of us never going out together. So I made a bet with him — I said no one would recognize him and he could relax a little. Elvis said he not only would be recognized but mobbed as well. We walked in the McDonald's, approached the counter, and put in our orders. Elvis ate his meal in wonder at the situation but really enjoyed his quiet night out. So far, so good. Then a man walked up to our table, looked at Elvis, and said he hated how men tried to look like Elvis Presley. He said there was only one Elvis and the others should give up. Shocked at the man's assumption that he was as impersonator, Elvis informed the stranger that he was indeed Elvis. The man would not believe him, and said he pitied him for thinking he was. Elvis tried again but could not convince the man. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole situation and had an inspired idea. I turned to Elvis and said, “Okay, Bob, enough is enough. Stop playing&quot;. Elvis told me to confirm who he was and I replied, “Will you cut the crap, Bob.” My ruse worked. The man left their table. Elvis was totally dumbfounded by what had happened, but he and I had a good laugh. Anyways, I was always a fan, but I didn't think he would transcend time and space and become the iconic, almost religion he is now.
** {{w|Linda Thompson (actress)|Linda Thompson}}, for Elvisblog

* As the lad himself might say, cut my legs off and call me Shorty! Elvis Presley can act. Acting is his assignment in this shrewdly upholstered showcase, and he does it.
** {{w|Howard Thompson (film critic)|Howard Thompson}}, reviewing &quot;King Creole,&quot; for the New York Times, 1958

* Just as the producer's job is to achieve the best recording possible – the kind of perfection that so grabs listeners like {{w|Nick Coleman (British writer)|Nick Coleman}}- so the editor should push the writer beyond the bounds of what he thinks he can achieve. It's hard to escape the feeling that there's a better book here waiting to get out. Essentially, this is a memoir consisting of 10 essays each of which attempting to examine a fairly arbitrary category of music. “Boys and Girls and Girl Groups”; “Vulnerability”; “The Spectacle of Anguish” etc. The opener looks at “The Horsemen in the Box” - Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley – who he feels would have represented the end of pop music history had the Cuban Missile Crisis not turned out so well.
** Liz Thompson, writing for the {{w|The Arts Desk}}, in an article published on January 15, 2018. and entitled &quot;Nick Coleman: Voices – How a Great Singer Can Change Your Life, highlighting Coleman's deafness then exploring the songs that linger in his memory.

* I'm from Tupelo, where Elvis was born. When he would do a gospel album, he would always pick the great gospel quartets of the day to sing on his records. That's what I want to do.&quot;
** {{w|Paul Thorn}} Southern rock, country, Americana, and blues singer-songwriter, in an article entitled &quot;Paul Thorn revisits gospel roots before Blues &amp; Roots Fest at Door Community Auditorium published&quot; and published on the Green Bay Press-Gazette's Oct. 29, 2018 edition.

* They're talking ‘bout the hood, talkin’ ‘bout where we all come from. My mother always listened to Presley' song when I was young. It talk about the things she went through, you know. She had a bunch of kids, like 9 kids, you know what I’m sayin’. That's how you get somebody to listen to your song, you talk about what they know about and what they want to hear.”
** {{w|Three 6 Mafia}} members, Paul Beaureguard and Jordan Houston, discussing their version of In the Gueto.

* To make things even harder, public-health communicators no longer have the benefit of public figures such as Elvis Presley, who once gave a lift to a national immunization campaign with a single photograph of a rolled-up sleeve. These days, even our most mass-appeal celebrities are not nearly as appealing. Each of them has done something to annoy some chunk of the population, and I’m even talking about Bruce Springsteen right now, and I’m even talking about Hilary Duff.
** {{w|The Atlantic}}'s Kaithlyn Tiffany, in an article on the COVID 19 pandemia entitled &quot;America’s Health Will Soon Be in the Hands of Very Minor Internet Celebrities&quot;, as published oin their February 19, 2021 edition

* Elvis spiritual crisis started in 1964, led him to meditate with Larry Geller, his then recent hairstylist. Elvis was always a dedicated Christian, with the book &quot;The Prophet&quot; being an inspiration as far as incarnation and following the death of his mother. His family and most of his friends rejected this spiritual quest. He was insulated form the world, so it must have been very frustrated that very few in his circle agreed with this part of his life. He was always very generous, from his infancy, but in time became more and more so, to the point of being extremely magnanimous. In 1965, he started becoming more involved with his spirituality, with yoga, and healing.
** {{w|Gary Tillery}}, commenting on his spiritual-geared biography of Elvis Presley, &quot;The Seeker King&quot;.

* I had taken my song &quot;Dreamy Eyes&quot; to George Klein, Memphis DJ and Elvis friend and said to George: &quot;I can really hear Elvis singing this song,&quot; because I felt Priscilla had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. About eight months later I got a call that Elvis had recorded one of my songs, and I assumed that it was &quot;Dreamy Eyes,&quot; but it turned out to be &quot;It Keeps Right On a Hurtin.&quot; When Elvis was in Germany getting ready to work, he was listening to Country Music and heard my song, and he wanted to record it. That's the way Elvis picked his music, when he heard something that he liked, he recorded it. Elvis put his song in one of his albums &quot;From Elvis In Memphis&quot;, and I couldn't have been more thrilled and proud, because Elvis was my idol.
** {{w|Johnny Tillotson}}, as noted in whenstarsmeetstars.

* Are you kiddin̠g? I am not gonna do an Elvis song, not at the White House̜. No one can outsing the King.
** {{w|Justin Timberlake}}'s response to several entertainers, many from Memphis and some of whom had had important work at Stax. Thad gathered at the White House at the invitation of President Obama, who was heralding the Memphis sound, so he was asked to sing an Elvis song, as told by Justin's mother Lynn (Bomar) Harless, to George Klein on November 21, 2012

* i) A double voice that alternates between a high quaver, reminiscent of Johnnie Ray at his fiercest, and a rich basso that might be smooth if it were not for its spasmodic delivery. 'Heartbreak Hotel', yelps the high voice, is where he's going to get away from it all. Answers the basso: 'he'll be sorry ii) Without preamble, the three-piece band cuts loose. In the spotlight, the lanky singer flails furious rhythms on his guitar, every now and then breaking a string; in a pivoting stance, his hips swing sensuously from side to side and his entire body takes on a frantic quiver, as if he had swallowed a jackhammer; his loud baritone goes raw and whining in the high notes, but down low it is rich and round. As he throws himself into one of his specialties— &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; or &quot;Long Tall Sally&quot;, his throat seems full of desperate aspirates or hiccuping glottis strokes, but his movements suggest, in a word, sex.
** i) Time magazine's review of an early 1956 concert and entitled &quot;Teeners' hero&quot;, as published on its May 14,1956 ii) and April 02, 1956 issue.

* Elvis Presley, the 21-year-old bobby-soxers' delight, shot the Ed Sullivan Show's rating up to 43.7—highest in two years. Actor Charles Laughton, his glib tongue in his dumpling cheek, introduced Elvis with: &quot;Ed insisted I give a high tone to the proceedings,&quot; then, to the frenzied shrieks of the teenagers, let Hillbilly Presley take over. Crooner Presley, sideburns dripping with sweat and goose grease, mumbled through three songs, gave his guitar a thorough clouting, contorted his mouth suggestively and his pelvis more so. When it was over, parents and critics, as usual, did a lot of futile grumbling at the vulgarity of this strange new phenomenon that must somehow be reckoned with.
** Time magazine's review of Elvis first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, where they purposely fail to both register the ̈82.6 percentage share, the highest in history, as well as the 60,710,000 viewers, also the highest, let alone their mentioning that the 43.7 rating was not just the highest in two years, but the highest ever, as published in their September 24,1956 edition.

* I've got a cutout of Elvis Presley outside my door so people at the US Capitol can find my office. Right now, he's wearing a big pennant that says ‘Go Golden Knights,
** US Congresswoman for Nevada (D), {{w|Dina Titus}} in an article published on June 5, 2018 by Channel 3, Las Vegas, and entitled &quot;Connect to Congress: Titus looks past primary, gives Democrats a message

* Elvis Presley was also known for his work on the big screen. The “Heartbreak Hotel” singer made his debut in 1956's Civil War film “Love Me Tender“. It was a stunning one, and it helped propel him to the top ten of the box office for a decade in movies like &quot;Jailhouse Rock“ and “King Creole&quot; Eventually, he would return to music entirely after Hollywood stopped giving him challenging film roles but by then, he'd proven that he could tackle everything.&quot;
** Aramide Tinubu, Chief Editor of Hollywood naming her list of fifteen singers who best made the transition to the big screen, in an article published by the Cheat Sheet on July 2, 2018.

* What's the difference between Elvis and a smart politician? Elvis has been sighted.
** Comedian Alan Todd, in an article containing numerous jests of a governmental and public nature and entitled &quot;Dusting off the political jokes&quot; and published on the {{w|Ouray County Plaindealer}}'s January 18, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley. I'm not sure if he's &quot;of the &quot;moment&quot; but now and then there is a new release of his music.
** Actor Alex Toohey, answering who is his favourite musician at the moment in an interview with the Isle of Man Today's April 28, 2018 edition

* While Elvis was primarily perceived as a baritone and most of the tessitura of his songs was on that key, he was, in my opinion, a tenor. Technically, he never properly worked to smooth his passagio and bring more weight up to the top of his voice. However, one has only to look and listen to much of what Elvis sang, and recorded – especially from about 1974 onward – to realize that, had he gone in an entirely different direction musically, he could very well have sung opera. Although in bad physical condition toward the end of his life, the in concert recordings from his last tour reveal, rather hauntingly, what might have been. Listen especially to the way he sang the Timi Yuro classic &quot;Hurt.&quot; Vocally, he was incredibly exciting.
** The Top Ten lists, in an article entitled the Top male tenors.

* I was shocked to hear that a man of integrity like Hal Wallis had referred to Presley as a great dramatic actor. It just shows how far a man will go for the almighty dollar. —
**{{w|Mel Torme}}, as published on the June 14, 1956 edition in The Arizona Republic.

* I think Elvis Presley will never be solved.
** Writer and journalist {{w|Nick Toshes}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* Listening to these songs today, their most remarkable feature is Presley's voice itself. He takes the Platters' Tony Williams's techniques, and any other predecessor's, to new, uncharted pinnacles. For a singer who was only just encountering widespread popularity, his singing resonates with amazing fortitude and confidence, especially on &quot;Heartbreak Hotel,&quot; (1956), where Presley alternately shouts words with full lungs, then gulps the following back, as if under water but without missing a beat. In &quot;Loving you&quot; (1957), Presley's baritone on this, the ultimate slow dance number, is almost too powerful, virtually rumbling the floor...
** David N. Townsend, in his essay &quot;Changing the World: Rock 'n' Roll's Culture and Ideology&quot;.

* i) Making their second appearance at Worthy Farm, Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey delighted the crowds as the sun set on the final day of Glastonbury 2015 by performing a number of hits from across their career. They also referenced Kanye West's claim during his own headline slot the night before that he was &quot;the greatest living rockstar on the planet&quot;, with Townsend and then Roger Daltrey saying, &quot;We're gonna send you home now with a rebellious 'who's the biggest fucking rockstar in the world?'It must be Elvis Presley. ii) We have to focus on his early work, and just one or two of his movies, and elements of his TV shows, to keep his memory pure. People now know that Elvis could play a mean rhythm guitar himself, and needed no other musicians to perform a great song. But Elvis was not just a rock star, he was an all-round entertainer.
** i) Excerpted from an article quoting {{w|Pete Townsend}}, of The Who, as he and {{w|Roger Daltrey}} were quick to make light of Kanye's antics the previous night, reminding everyone that Elvis Presley was still the King of Rock – despite what Mr West may have said, and as published on Digital Spy on June 29, 2015. ii) as noted in theelevisexpress

* My first political act was to get kicked out of class for arguing with a teacher for criticizing Elvis
** Carol Tracy, Executive Director of the Women's Law project since 1990, in an article published by the Daily Philadephian on October 16, 2017

* Before I made my first record, we had a three night tour of an Army base in Freidberg, Germany. I was told: “Jackie, there’s someone I’d like you to meet&quot;. So I walked in through the front door of a house in Bad Neuheim, off-base, to find Elvis himself smiling at me. I nearly fainted! We sang together, talked plenty, and I kinda fell in love with him...
** {{w|Jackie Trent}}, English singer-songwriter and actress, in her autobiography, &quot;Being me&quot;, published at the Sunday Express on 14 October, 2017

* I mean Elvis made us move, instead of standing mute he raised our voice. And when we heard ourselves something was changing, you know, like for the first time we made a collective decision about choices, America hurriedly made Pat Boone a general, in the army they wanted us to join, But most of us held fast to Elvis and the commandants around him Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Little Richard, Bo Diddley, Gene Vincent, you know, like a different Civil War all over again. Man, like he woke us up, and now they're trying to put us back to sleep. So we'll see how it goes, Aayway, look at the record, man, Rock ’n’ roll is based on revolutions, going way past 33⅓, you gotta understand, man, he was America's baby Boom Ché. I oughta know man, I was in his army
** Native American author, poet, actor, musician, and political activist {{w|John Trudell}}'s words of wisdom, as annotated in ‘Baby Boom Ché’, a song he dedicated to his idol Elvis.

* Well I am so glad to be in Tupelo, the birthplace of Elvis Presley. I shouldn't say this, because they are going to say I am conceited, but other than the blond hair when I was growing up they all said I looked like Elvis. I always felt that it was a great compliment. And we just gave him the Medal of Freedom in the White House. We love Elvis don̪'t we̞?
** US President {{w|Donald Trump}}, in his speech at T̥upelo Regional Airport, on November 26, 2018

* It was the very first day on set and I was so nervous.Everyone was having lunch and I really didn't feel like eating because I was that nervous. So I decided to go take a nap and if I was needed on set, they would call me. I went to my trailer and the air conditioner wasn't working. I was just hysterical -- really hysterical. I thought, ‘Oh no, this isn’t happening.’ You could only imagine how hot it was. And there was no one around because everyone was having lunch. There must be an air conditioner there. I thought. All of a sudden, there was a hand stopping me. I immediately apologized without even looking up. And I was told, ‘That’s Elvis’ dressing room. You can't just go in. I'm going to have to ask if you're allowed.&quot; At that moment, I didn’t see Presley, but I was given the green light to hang out in his room. Upon entering, I immediately felt the relief of a running air conditioner and collapsed on a nearby couch. When I opened my eyes after a restful sleep, I saw Presley’s face closely staring right back at me. He was putting a cold compress on my face. He thought I must have passed out or something, He was absolutely beautiful. I mean, people with great voices are attractive to me, but this was something else. I didn’t even know what to say because I was so shocked. And then he went, ‘Don’t worry about it. I just want you to feel good. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Are you thirsty?’ I couldn't even talk!” I was overwhelmed by everything I was experiencing. He smelled like baby powder and milk. But he just kept insisting if I needed or wanted anything. Elvis also had told me I could stay for as long as I liked and not to worry about it. After he left, I eventually got up and stepped outside where I saw Presley surrounded by his entourage. At the time, he was fascinated by martial arts and when I told him I knew Bruce Lee, then that was another reason we bonded easily.He was a Southern Baptist and my family was very Christian, so we had already connected from that alone. He was very spiritual. I remember the last time we spoke, we were hanging out in his trailer. He just looked at me and said, ‘Keep that light burning baby.’ And that was it. I guess he lost his light. Couldn't find his way home, you know? I truly feel he just worked himself to death. It was very tragic.”
**{{w|Irene Tsu}}, Chinese American actress who co-starred with Elvis in Paradise Hawaiian Style, as noted in her autobiography, &quot;A Water Color Dream: The Many Lives of Irene Tsu&quot;.

* It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it?
** Words spoken by fictional character {{w|Nigel Tufnel}} to his bandmate, David St. Hubbins as they both face Elvis' grave in the 1984 movie &quot;This is Spinal Tap&quot;

* Even as we focus on perhaps the final election of the 2018 season in North Carolina's 9th District, pundits and scholars are already debating whether or not there was a “blue wave” during the 2018 election, or if it was an Elvis Presley-like “Blue Christmas” for the Democrats, a missed opportunity for the party.
** John A. Tures for {{w|The Observer}} in an article entitled &quot;Did a Blue Wave Become a Blue Christmas for Democrats?&quot; as published on their 12/26/2018 edition.

* Well, this was during the time that Elvis Presley was driving a gravel truck and we were playing on 11th Street and they didn't allow whites there. It was a whole black street. And at that time I didn't know who Elvis was, whether he was a musician, he was just a guy that I liked. He liked music, so I liked him because he liked music. I'm assuming that was it and we had some form of rapport together. So I would slip him into the back of the club, the piano sitting like this and the back door was sitting there and I would sit him and have him behind the piano, because in those days I would stand up to play the piano, and I'd play the piano backwards and just clowning with the piano. But I never knew that this guy was even an entertainer. But meantime, I'm just assuming a year or so, I hear this &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; but I never put this with this guy at all. I don't even connect the two. And many years later, in Las Vegas, I was playing the lounge room at the International Hotel, and Elvis was in the main room, but you know I never was interested in other acts, you know, I always was interested, like if I get to know you, OK, but for me to go over there, Red Foxx was in the lounge also at that time. And one night, I won some thousand dollars, and I was coming down through the back, had all this big old rack of chips and stuff and this white guy says, &quot;Hey you don't remember me?&quot; And I said no. So that's when he [Elvis] told me that he was the one that used to come to West Memphis and hide behind the piano, in this black club. You know, it was amazing, you know?
** {{w|Ike Turner}}, in an interview with Open vault, from WGBH, trying to say that as far as the Las Vegas encounter is concerned, that this was the ice-breaker for him to become reacquainted as a friend with Elvis, after all those years.

* The pace could be brutal between touring and schedules, but Vegas was best. The Turners' annual stays at the International, later the Hilton, allowed them to bring the kids along, sometimes taking all four of them to the big room to catch Elvis' extravaganza and he would have the whole family stand for a round of applause.
** {{w|Tina Turner}}, in her autobiography &quot;I Tina: My life story Tina Turner&quot;, written with Kurt Loder

* So I picked up the two Guralnick biographies and started reading them, and as you do if you're reading books about music, you start listening to the tracks as you're going along. Before I'd finished the first book I became a diehard Elvis fan, and by the time I'd finished the second one I had an Elvis tattoo. He might not have written his own songs, but he was the master producer and engineer of his generation. It's also popular opinion to say that the original Hound Dog is better, but no it fucking isn't. That's just bollocks. Elvis' version of that song is lightyears ahead, and if you listen to the two of them back-to-back you can hear what he was doing. This was obviously the ‘50s so it was all cut live, and he’d stand in the middle of the room with all the musicians around him and they’d do 60 takes in a row. He’d be like, ‘Bar three, verse two; drop that F sharp to an E. Now let’s do it again.’ He was in full control of his vision. It's taken me until my mid-30s to realise it, and when I was younger I didn't really get it.
** {{w|Frank Turner}} English folk singer-songwriter from Meonstoke, who began his career as the vocalist of post-hardcore band Million Dead, in an interview to Rock Icon-s Matt Stocks, and published in their online edition on 1 September 2016.

* You want me to describe Elvis? Wow!!
** {{w|Shania Twain}}, in 2002 Elvis Lives ABC Special

* But even the power of organized religion paled beside the personal changes I felt come over me in the mid-1950s when I heard Elvis Presley's &quot;Mystery Train&quot; on the radio for the first time. Determined to get a berth of my own on the fast-moving train of rock 'n' roll, I quickly made my way up to Memphis and the legendary Sun Studios. There, I talked producer Sam Phillips into giving me a shot at making some records of his own.
** {{w|Conway Twitty}}, in a book entitled Elvis the Last word, 1999.

* This is the best way to hear Elvis the Superstar, with &quot;Hound Dog,&quot; (1956),&quot;All Shook Up,(1957), &quot;Are You Lonesome Tonight&quot; (1960), and the ever zany &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot; (1969), still sounding fresh and immediate —impressive given how many times most the world has heard them —, and showing off the diversity of Elvis' singing, from the purity of his gospel falsetto to his rock and roll purr.
** Josh Tyrangiel, reviewing &quot;Elvis 30 Number One hits&quot;, for TIME magazine`s &quot;The All Time best 100 albums&quot;, as published in its November 13, 2006 edition.

* I'd really love to bump Elvis
** Bill Tyre, Executive Director and curator of Chicago's {{w|John J. Glessner House}}, expressing his wish for the Glessner House and Museum to displace Graceland from the top spot in the 2018's USA Annual Holiday Poll

* Blue laws began in Texas in 1863 and were still being passed in 1961. Many states prohibited the selling of alcoholic beverages on and off premises in one form or another on Sundays, or at restricted times. Also, blue laws of Texas did not prohibit most businesses being open on Sundays, but all of the restrictions made it impractical to open.Can anyone imagine when some Sunday shopping was a crime?If this blue law was still in effect today,we would all go to jail and cause a Jailhouse Rock with an 8.6 magnitude on the musical Richter scale like Elvis did back in his heyday.
** African American columnist Chris Tyson, as published in an article entitled &quot;Never on Sundays&quot;, and published in the Huntsville Item, on 24 September 2016.

== U ==

* It has something for everyone, except perhaps Irving Berlin, who attempted to get Elvis's recording of &quot;White Christmas&quot;banned from radio play, deeming it &quot;vulgar and disrespectful&quot;. And it was, which is part of the reason why the drastically rearranged tune is so memorable, as the then-young singer masticated the contemporary classic, adding his idiosyncratic dynamics and trills (the so-called educated yodels of one's vocal chords); equally irreverent and just as riveting is the King's gritty take on Leiber and Stoller's &quot;Santa Claus Is Back in Town&quot;, one of the most sexually suggestive holiday tunes ever, and his rollicking &quot;Here Comes Santa Claus&quot;. And who can forget the song that changed the hue of Yuletide, &quot;Blue Christmas&quot;, or his wistful, definitive version of &quot;I'll Be Home for Christmas&quot;, which cemented his reputation as pop's top dreamboat. Along with Phil Spector's &quot;Christmas Gift for You&quot;, this is arguably the finest Rock &amp; Roll Christmas album of all-time, a seasonal yet essential recording belonging under any Christmas tree.
** Jaan Uhelszki and Bill Holdship, reviewing &quot;Elvis Christmas Album (1957 version), for AMAZON.COM

* Elvis was one of the prime architects of rock and roll music. As such, he influenced several generations both musically and socially. The urgency in Presley's voice is just one part of the equation, and the ease with which he swings tells the rest of the story. Equal parts balladeer and rockabilly king, Elvis played both sides of the fence. He was both tender-love-man and hard-hitting rebel. As this collection proves, his genius was in the way he made it work.
** UK Channel 4's review of &quot;Elvis Golden Record, Volume II&quot;

* It is not enough to reject the capitalist decadence with words, to speak out against the ecstatic singing of someone like Elvis Presley. We have to offer something better...
** {{w|Walter Ulbricht}}, East German Communist Party leader, in a speech delivered at a cultural conference in April of 1959, and as published by EIN's online page on October 20, 2012.

* The course examines the history of rock music, primarily as it unfolded in the United States, from the days before rock (pre-1955), to the end of the 1960s. It covers the music of Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Phil Spector, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and many more artists, with an emphasis both on cultural context and on the music itself. The course will also explore how developments in the music business and in technology helped shape the ways in which styles developed.
** The {{w|University of Rochester}}'s description of Part I of their 2018 online course on the history of rock music, as noted in The Indian Express' December 26 2018 edition and in an article entitled ̊&quot;From dog psychology to history of rock music, these offbeat online courses were a hit in 2018̊

* Elvis Presley, for example, became a key supporter of Father Don Mowery's work, having grown up in Lauderdale Courts, one of the many Memphis housing projects well served by Youth Service during this period. Interestingly, Elvis' donations always came with a catch, namely that they never be put into the general-operating fund, but instead set aside for “special projects.” By 1985, Memphis-style programs were operating in dozens of cities all across America, father Mowery's concept generally considered the most innovative social-service effort developed between the military and civilian sectors in the late-twentieth century. And although no one knew at that time how much of an impact Elvis' contributions would have on the future of the organization, much of the funding for this national expansion came precisely from that “special projects” fund that Elvis Presley had supported in the 1960s.
** Excerpted from an article on the life and times of Father Don Mowery, the founder of Youth Service, USA, written by Darrell Userton, published on Memphis Magazine on May 1, 2015.

* Society is always on the lookout for a cultural target for finger pointing when the establishment has issues, especially generationally with its youth. In the '50s, comic books became the easiest target to blame for the post-World War II rise of juvenile delinquency in America because certainly, society never believes anything is the fault of the establishment, itself, nor its parents, teachers, clergyman, politicians, etc. So in the early '50s, comic books were mounted on the cultural crucifix. To this day, I believe that the comic books as we know them would not have survived that attack had it not been for the emergence of Elvis Presley. Quickly, the finger turned and pointed at him, instead. Of course, this was followed by 45 RPM record burnings in cities across our nation. Over the decades, that witch-hunt of blame has moved from comic books to Elvis Presley to Saturday morning cartoons to rap to hip-hop to video games, because, again, nothing is ever the fault of society, itself....
** {{w|Michael E. Uslam}}, American producer of the Batman films, in an article defending Stan Lee̪'s contributions after an attack on his legacy by Bill Maher, as published at the HollywoodReporter on November 20, 2018

== V ==

* I know he didn't write songs but, to me, Elvis Presley was the complete artist. His voice, his song choice, his energy and attitude, his perfect hair and clothes: it felt like he'd been sent from another planet. It was incomprehensible to me that this was a man who made mistakes, or who felt sadness or loneliness. I recently visited his childhood home in Tupelo, Mississippi and it was in stark contrast to the life I'd imagined. To a child, he seemed invincible – and he made me feel it too. To watch Elvis and to listen to his songs was pure escapism and aspiration. &quot;Blue Suede Shoes&quot; was my first love. From as early as I can remember, I knew that if I could channel some of that raw power I saw in him, life would be better for it. I guess, like all of us, he was flawed as a man, but he was the perfect entertainer.&quot;
* UK singer, songwriter and guitarist Justin Young, frontman for {{w|The Vaccines}}, choosing his favorite musician of all time in an article published in the Guardian and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley's power, Tina Turner's legs: musicians pick their biggest influences&quot;, as published on March 1, 2018.

* That's what rock'n'roll, born of blues and country music, channeled through charming, southern Christian men like Little Richard and Elvis Presley, has always done for us.
** {{w|Siva Vaidhyanathan}}'s review for the Guardian of the movie &quot;Blinded by the light&quot;, about an Indian youngster influenced by the music of Bruce Springsteen, as published in their August 15, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley? He is the greatest rock &amp; roller.
** {{w|Hilton Valentine}}, guitarrist for the Animals' answer when asked to provide a one-sentence impression of several important musicians, as noted in an article published by Forbes magazine' October 27, 2020 edtiuon and entitled &quot;Why Did The 60s Group The Animals Break Up At The Height Of Its Popularity?

* I was really happy about his success, because acceptance wasn't really too great in those days unless you were a schooled singer, so it opened up a whole new thing for young performers who had not studied voice but just had feel. It made me a little sad to think that here was a man who came along and probably made one of the greatest contributions to rock n roll music ever, and people would come in and criticise his shows, (In fact), for someone to have given that much joy to that many people, he shouldn't of had to do anything but walk out on that stage and just stand there. And I sometimes wonder if people in that sense are sadistic and wait to see you fall or hope to see you fall.
** {{w|Frankie Valli}}'s comments to reporter Heather Bernard at News Center 4,, and as broadcast on August 17, 1977.

* The only time I met was in Las Vegas, at night, but what a time that was!!!
** {{w|Mamie Van Doren}}, recounting her only encounter with Elvis, in an article published on Closer Weekly's April 5, 2020 edition

* When I was a very little girl, my aunt told me never to listen to Elvis Presley’s music. She asserted (forcefully, I might add) how Elvis (supposedly) said, “The only thing Negroes can do for me is buy my records and shine my shoes.” My aunt also declared he stole black music, so, I now ask myself, why would an African American woman defend a white man she was raised to hate? I decided on a full study and complete unmasking of falsely reported news surrounding the life and career of Elvis Presley. The truth about the invented slur lies in white liberals owning media outlets like {{w|Sepia (magazine)|Sepia}}, magazine where they could make money exploiting statements and falsifying others because so many whites during the era openly made stupid remarks against black people. So when a black radio station decided to play Elvis' music and black people started acknowledging that they listened to and bought Elvis' records, white liberals went into panic mode and the slur was invented.
** Joyce Rochelle Vaughn, African American writer, explaining how the matter of Elvis being a racist came about, as noted in the preface of her book &quot;Thirty Pieces of Silver: The Betrayal of Elvis Presley&quot; Justice Payne Publishing, USA, 2016 (713 pages, Illustrated, ISBN 978-0-9982708-1-4).

* Pope Francis sends me his personal  CDs, classical but also tango, Elvis and Piaf...
** Gian Guiodo Vecci, top columnist for Italy's  {{w|Corriere della Sera}},in an article published on January 13, 2022. 

* There was a time when the B-side might save you. You put all that effort into making records and then not to give people an A-side and a B-side, I loved that. I used to go into someplace in Fargo and put the nickel in the jukebox, listen to Elvis on the jukebox for 4 days and then flip the record over. A lot of my stuff was B-sides and I was glad to have them. They paid the same as the A-side.
** {{w|Bobby Vee}}, in an interview with Craig Moore, of Goldmine, as published on May 14, 2009

* I listen to Elvis Presley, Chainsmokers, Miranda Lambert, Kendrick Lamar, Taylor Swift and Royal Blood.
** {{w|Abhisit Vejjajiva}}, the 27th Prime Minister of Thailand, on his favourite musicians, as published on BKO on May 20, 2018.

*- My earliest connection with Elvis was that my substitute English teacher at Paxton High was {{w|Mae Axton}}, who seven months later would go on to write &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;. Mae was also a show promoter and in the late spring of 1955 she brought the {{w|Hank Snow}} Show to the Gator Bowl Baseball Stadium and that was how I met Elvis. Before the start of the show, I got backstage, talked to him for a long time and then I finally introduced myself to him. He then said &quot;Well I'm Elvis Presley&quot; and I thought 'Wow, that's a strange name' as I had never even heard his name before that. I was there actually to see Snow who headlined and so forth, but as soon as he hit the stage I knew who he was! I'd been thinking that he was just a guitar player but when he went out on stage they came out of the bleachers, pushed so hard you just couldn't hold them back. There just wasn't enough protection as this was a Country show. Elvis was bottom of the bill that day and he hadn't even had a major hit yet, so you wonder what Snow must have thought of the reaction. That day, on May 13, 1955, was the first time I had ever seen a show with so much screaming and fan input. I'd never seen anything like that. It was unbelievable.
** Singer and Rock memorabilia collector {{w|Jimmy Velvet}}, recalling the day when he met the then 20 year old Elvis Presley before the start of his May 13, 1955 show at the Gator Bowl Baseball Park in Jacksonville Florida, a concert known as being the first Elvis riot of its kind, with some 7,000 people rushing the stage.

* Especially in the South, they speak about Elvis and Jesus in the same breath.
** Writer {{w|Michael Ventura}}, LA Weekly

* The one thing that I envy is Bill Belew having the job of dressing Elvis Presley. That job I would've liked'.
** Fashion designer {{w|Gianni Versace}}, as first reported by Esquire magazine, in an interview with Bill Belew in 2016.

* Not only are we thrilled to take viewers into one of America's most beloved private residences, home of the late, great Elvis Presley, we are also thrilled to put the soundtrack of his legendary career behind our romantic holiday movie.
**{{w|Michelle Vicary}}, Executive VP of Hallmark in announcing country singer {{w|Kellie Pickler}}'s 2018 Xmas movie, as published in SoundslikeNashville on May 25, 2018.

* While I was recuperating at Veterans' Hospital in Portsmouth, VA, I went to nearby Norfolk, where I first saw an up and coming singer named Elvis Presley perform at Hank Snow's All Star Jamboree. This experience changed my life. Seeing him on television, as well, I practically launched out of the hospital bed and onto the stage...
** Singer {{w|Gene Vincent}}, from the archives of the Rockabilly Legends.

* After seeing &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, where Elvis gets out of jail and makes his own records, takes them to the radio stations himself to finally put his records in the stores, I then made records and put them in stores.
** Singer {{w|Bobby Vinton}} as noted in brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/bobbyvinto241039.html?src=t_elvis_presley

* Wide raging voices̠ː Singers with extensions from B1 to A5. Elvis Presley's B1 may be heard on the song &quot;Such a Night&quot; and on &quot;Mystery Train&quot; an A5 is reached towards the end. Later in his career, he developed a rich baritone voice which still mastered the higher register with immense power, such as on &quot;American Trilogy&quot;, &quot;Unchained Melody&quot; or the joking &quot;Little Darlin&quot;
** Chapter on {{w|Vocal Music}} as noted in Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

* He arrived early to my home, the revolutionary. And  I always referred to him to understand the difference between wjhat is  folfclore and what vis the business of rock music. He influenced singers in every country in the world 
**  Colombian musician {{w|Carlos Vives}} for Gibson guitars, in a youtube video issued 13 July 2022. 

* I asked him how he felt about Estes Kefauver and Adlai Stevenson from the Democratic National Convention, and about the Andrea Doria disaster, the Empire waistline in the world of fashion, and Pablo Casals, the world's greatest cellist. His answer was that he would rather keep his views to himself because he did not want to be labeled, so I left him alone. Later I found out that Elvis always enjoyed telling the story of how he managed to outsmart me and every other reporter by answering questions without really answering them.
** Luther Voltz Jr, who interviewed Elvis for the Miami Herald on August 6, 1956. Had the interview taken place eight months later, Elvis could have at least spoken hours about the Andrea Doria, knowing as well as he did, as of April of 1957, one of the survivors, songwriter Mike Stoller.

* Long before the plans for an actual rock museum in Cleveland were hatched, a group headed by Rolling Stone's Jann Wenner and Atlantic Records' Ahmet Ertegun started off the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with two induction ceremonies-cum-concerts, in 1986 and 1987, bringing in a total of 25 blues-and-rock groundbreakers primarily from the ‘50s, including Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Elvis Presley. Presley is in fact rock’s greatest presence, shaking a country with a single-handed nuclear reaction of country, gospel, and the blues. Along with the Beatles, he is the epitome of pop stardom as well.
** {{w|New York (magazine)|Vulture}} magazine's laud of Elvis, who they ranked amongst the top 5 Rock and Roll hall of Famers of all time, as published on their January 12, 2019 edition

* Any young man who calls his mother “baby” and speaks baby-talk with her must love her tenderly. But Elvis Presley didn't just love his mother – he worshiped her. In return, she inspired him to create a sound that would change popular music forever. It was Gladys who gave her son his first guitar for his 11th birthday, even though Elvis had preferred a bicycle. And it was his love for Gladys that prompted him to record his first song, My Happiness as a special birthday gift for her. The spiritual bond between mother and son had existed from the minute Elvis was born. On 8 January 1935 the then 22-year-old Gladys suffered a hemorrhage and barely survived giving birth to a set of twins. The first one, Jesse Garon, was stillborn, which led Gladys to believe that the surviving twin, Elvis Aaron, had inherited Jesse's soul. Elvis, she believed, was “the One”. Throughout his childhood she instilled in him how special he was. So when the studio receptionist at Sun Records asked Elvis what kind of singer he was, the 18-year-old answered, “I don’t sound like nobody.” The belief in her only son's special calling, whatever that would turn out to be, made Gladys very protective of Elvis. Over the objections of her husband, Vernon, she made sure he never spent a night away from home until he was 17. Once Elvis's musical career took off in a big way in 1956 things went south for his muse. Then, in 1958, when Elvis was drafted into the Army, she succumbed to a heart attack. After her death Elvis remained an incredibly successful artist. In 1977, at the age of 42, he died from an overdose of medications at Graceland. The date was 16 August – the very same day he had buried his beloved mother 19 years earlier and inconsolably wept, “Oh, God, everything I have is gone.”
** Jenny Volvovski, Julia Rothman and Matt Lamothe, for the {{w|Daily Telegraph|Telegraph}} in an article entitled &quot;Behind every great man.....The women who made Elvis, Warhol and Nabokov great&quot;, as published on their 26 Oct 2014 edition.

== W ==

* He is the Elvis of Sea ice Science
** About {{w|Peter Wadham}}, as noted in Greenpeace 's July 2010 edition. 

* It was my mother's Elvis concerts from the 70's on VHS tapes that first drew me to the sheer thrill of an all-you-can-eat live performance. I just had this fascination for him. I was going to the Punters Club in Fitzroy but a lot of the bands I was watching were staring at their shoes, I mean shoe gaze was massive. Then I'd go home to my mothers's Elvis' tapes and nobody was owning a spotlight like that, nobody. I wanted to start a band that was putting on show. I wanted to reward people for leaving their living rooms if they were going to come out to watch a band, let's give them something visual as well as a band that sounds good.
** {{w|Henry Wagons}}, Australian singer/songwriter and frontman of the outlaw country rock band, Wagons, recalling what inspired him to become a rocker, in an article published by the Brisbane Times on February 8, 2018.

* I think about Elvis all the time.
** {{w|Tom Waits}}, as found in TSOE, 2018

* I loved everything about him.I grew up with singers, dancers and comics. At 15, I discovered Elvis Presley. A girl whom I wanted to take to the prom showed me a magazine clipping of her &quot;boyfriend.&quot; It was Elvis. This guy looked like a Greek god, and then I saw him on television. I loved everything about him, so I became a fan. I always wanted to stand in the same place he stood the night he caused all the commotion at the Ed Sullivan Theatre. May I?
** Oscar winner {{w|Christopher Walken}}, in an article entitled The Religious Affiliation of Christopher Walken, as published in Adherents.com and a couple of years later, explaining to Dave Letterman the reasons why he wrote &quot;Him&quot;, a play about Elvis.

* In fact, I first provided clothing for her during her first pregnancy in 1981, and continued to do so until her death in 1997. One such outfit, which Diana herself called her ‘Elvis Dress’, was worn by her both to the British Fashion Awards in October 1989 and then on an official visit to Hong Kong. The year of her passing away, the dress was bought for £81,203 at a benefit auction by The Franklin Mint, a company which produces memorabilia such as a portrait doll featuring her wearing this dress, thus making it one of the best-known of Diana's many outfits, and the second highest prized. The Mint returned the dress to the Diana Estate a few years later.
** Designer {{w|Catherine Walker (fashion designer)|Catherine Walker}}, describing the white silk strapless dress encrusted with pearls and sequins with a matching bolero jacket, which she designed with Elvis specifically in mind,as commissioned by Diana, the then Princess of Wales, and as noted in V&amp;A Search the Collections online page.

* I had a 45 rpm record player, one of those that accommodated little records with big holes in the middle and with the capacity to hold, what, 10 or so records, to drop down one at a time, until all 10 had played. But that's too general for what I've been thinking about. Specifically, it's one of the songs, really the only song I can say with certainty that I played, over and over and over again. “Lavender Blue” by Sammy Turner. And it, and others, made me know I loved music — most all kinds excusing jazz and opera. And then, it was Elvis. Controversial Elvis Presley. Would my folks let me listen to his music or watch him on our little black and white television? Then, before we knew it, Elvis was too big to be avoided or ignored. You had to watch him...
** {{w|Larry Walker}}, in an article for the Telegraph entitled &quot;Just another silly love song&quot;, and published on Nov. 5, 2016.

* i) One day we are in a recording session, here at RCA B, and he was talking to one of the clean up guys. Then three RCA people from New York, with suits and they walked up to Elvis, but he paid no attention to them. The clean up guy stopped talking, but Elvis said &quot;Go ahead, Sir&quot;. When he finished, the clean up guy shook his hand and thanked Elvis for talking to him. Then Elvis approached the guys from New York and said &quot;Gentlemen, if you see me talking to somebody, don't interrupt me, don't even walk up to me, I know when it{s your turn and I will walk up to you. And that was the end of it. ii) The best I have ever seen him look was in 1967, at the Circle G Ranch. His hair was black to blonde like it was naturally, the colour of a fawn. Just as shiny as could be. He had a suit and shoes the same color of his hair, so he walked in and we were stunned. He had been out riding his horses, was tanned and his eyes shunned like diamonds. We couldn't believe it. We just stood there and looked at him. Finally, he said &quot;Shall we dance?&quot;
** Singer {{w|Ray Walker (singer)|Ray Walker}} of the Jordainaires, who backed him from 1956 onwards, i) in an interview in 2016, and ii) as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* In constructing his own public image during the early 1950s, Elvis unconsciously appropriated, synthesised and ultimately capitalised upon images from a series of contemporary cultural icons. These ranged from Captain Marvel and Dean Martin to Jackie Wilson. ‘Cultural production’, states Madow, ‘is always (and necessarily) a matter of reworking, recombining, and redeploying already existing symbolic forms, sounds,narratives, and images’.To this effect – on the current standing of US publicity rights law – one could actually begin to question Elvis's right to call the Elvis image his own in the ﬁrst place; however, few would deny that the Elvis whole was deﬁnitely greater than the sum of its parts. The overall effect of his efforts was to create a unique image which had a fresh and vital meaning in post-war society. If there did not exist any rights of control ove power of the creation of cultural symbols then there would be little ﬁnancial incentive for individuals to spend the time, energy and resources to develop their ‘talents and produce works which ultimately beneﬁt society as a whole Elvis signs and their multiple meanings are so strong that Elvis has, in effect, mediated his own celebrity culture beyond the grave.
** {{w|David S. Wall}} UK Professor of Criminology at the Centre for Criminal Justice Studies, School of Law, University of Leeds, in his article &quot;Policing Elvis: Legal Action and the Shaping of Post-Mortem Celebrity Culture as Contested Space&quot; as published in Research Gate Nets' September 2003 edition.

* We have to still care about Elvis because if we don't, then we don't like music. He was the big bang, the sun around which all the other planets circled ever since and when he went down, we lost the first and the best.
** {{w|Mick Wall}}, UK writer, in the film The Day The Rock Star Died which premiered on October 16, 2018 AXS TV

* Basically, Elvis Presley was doing self-defense techniques because he couldn't spar, it was simply too dangerous. He had to preserve his voice, so contact to the face or neck was out. He also didn't want to risk breaking any bones, so he'd just train on and demonstrate self-defense moves like taking full-power shots to the stomach. He was a fine athlete, not a fighter, but that doesn't mean he wasn't able to fight, though. His technique —his side kick and his punches— looked as good as anybody else's. He wanted to do karate because he'd learned a bit of it in the Army and really liked it. The best part of working with him was beating up all of his people, like Red and Sonny West, Jerry Shilling and all the others. I just relegated them to pulp.
** US kickboxing Champion {{w|Bill Wallace}}, in an article published in Black Belt magazine on March 20, 2011.

* Well, now wait.You say he has no talent and yet I think that you'll agree that he has been taken into the bosom of America in a certain sense and has been very well paid for it...
** {{w|Mike Wallace}}, defending Elvis in an interview broadcast on November 16, 1957, with syndicated gossip columnist Elsa Maxwell, who seconds before had labelled Elvis as a &quot;young, no talented, utterly unattractive man with a horrible face and with that lank hair that falls down driving young women all over the country in some sort of ecstasy&quot;

* With the way he was marketed, he didn't even need to be able to sing the way he could. But Elvis had talent, plain and simple. The guy had a thousandth-octave range, and a variety in his vocal styles and approach, he could make more vocal tones, with just his voice, than a guitar player with 50 pedals and gadgets. If you never even saw the guy, you could plain feel, not just hear, the emotion and passion in his voice, and you are immediately taken in, one hundred percent. On the merit of vocals alone, he had more talent in the barbecue stuck in his teeth than the singers who sell millions of records do today.
** Country singer Roger Wallace, in the web`s &quot;Soapbox&quot;

* A Presley motion picture is the only sure thing in Hollywood.”
** {{w|Hal Wallis}}, Producer of nine of Elvis' films, as published in www.graceland.com

* This is something I've always wanted to do: Take an evening, invite an audience and just be me. What you can expect is me playing music, answering almost all questions anyone would ask (except the ones that may incriminate me), a big screen power point presentation put together and narrated by me, guitar shop talk, slide guitar 101, true stories of road craziness, playing more music and I’m particularly excited to talk about my Elvis experiences —what he meant to me and what I meant to him. We’ll conclude with a Town Hall Meeting, including a strategy and platform discussion for my candidacy to run for President of the United States in 2020 and sing ‘God Bless America’ or something else (Elvis would want that).&quot;
** {{w|Joe Walsh}}, formerly with the James Gang, Barnstorm, Eagles, The Party Boys, and Ringo Starr &amp; His All-Starr Bands, announcing his forthcoming appearance at the newly built Elvis Presley Guesthouse in Memphis, as published by Graceland com.

* Is it true Elvis took you often to tour the morgue? Why̞?
** {{w|Barbara Walters}}'s question to Priscilla Presley during her ABC TV 1985 interview.

* This era of biracial musical creation and consumption has been largely erased from popular memory. It lies buried beneath simplistic parables of white expropriation and exploitation of black culture in which Elvis Presley has become emblematic of centuries of uncompensated and unacknowledged white appropriation of black cultural ingenuity and labour. There is enormous moral power to this perspective and, to be sure, plenty of evidence of just such exploitation and theft. Nonetheless, it still makes for unpersuasive history and fails to help us to understand the significance of Elvis and the whole biracial rock-and-roll phenomenon that intersected with the dawn of the modern civil rights movement.
** {{w|Brian Ward}}, for the Independent, in an article published on August 16, 2017.

* Arguably the finest recording found in all the Sun sessions, &quot;Trying To Get To You&quot;(1955), is a song that Presley made his own due to his hugely committed vocal, and the simple carefree abandon with which he performs it; at first, it feels like a classic country song with simple, elegant lyrics; but it is at the bridge – where Elvis really lets fly –, that the song is transformed from a lovely country lament, into deep blues; although the 1955 version is magnificent, Elvis manages to better it on his &quot;1968 Comeback Special&quot;, in which he sings the song with so much intensity, it prompted critic Greil Marcus to exclaim &quot;this is probably the finest rock and roll ever recorded.
** Thomas Ward's review, for AllMusicGuide.com, of &quot;Trying To Get To You&quot;, whose original version has now been confirmed, by BMG/RCA (which owns all the Presley Sun catalogue), as having been sang and recorded by Elvis while simultaneously playing the piano, with Sun Records' Sam Philipps immediately arranging the mix so that his rather loud (and then still amateurish) piano playing could ''not'' be heard in the final master take.

* i) I liked Dylan, the way he created a brilliant new style. I even gave him one of my silver &quot;Double Elvis&quot; paintings. Later on, though, I heard rumors that he had used it as a dart board up in the country. When I'd ask, ‘Why did he do that?’ I'd invariably get hearsay answers like ‘Listen to Like a Rolling Stone — I think you’re the ‘diplomat on the chrome horse, man.’. I didn't know exactly what they meant by that — I never listened much to the words of songs — but I got the tenor of what people were saying — that Dylan didn't like me ii) For forty-five minutes nonstop Ali raged on about prostitution on the steps of the White House, gravity, meteorites, jumping out of the window, Israel, Egypt, Zaire, South Africa, drugs, broken skulls, delusions, angel food cake, yellow hair, judgment day, Muslim morality, Jesus, boxing, Sweden, the Koran, friendship, and Elvis, relating it all to the central point that ‘man must obey the laws of God or perish!’”
** {{w|Andy Warhol}}, i) commenting on what could have happened to the painting he gave Bob Dylan, who years later regretted having exchanged it for some furniture with his manager, Albert Grossman. Upon the latter's death, his wife sold it to the New York Museum of Modern Art for US$700,000. Still, that was small change when compared to what a similar &quot;Double Elvis&quot; sold for at Sotheby's in 2012, namely 37.5 million dollars, exactly fifty times what Grossman's widow got. Dylan was flabbergasted when he found out and ii) From Ali's lectures entitled Friendship and The Real Cause of Man's Distress:, 1967 and as noted in Victor Bockris in his book “The Perfect Interview: The Ali-Warhol Tapes.” Gadfly, Apr. 1999

* Elvis Presley existed not only as a flesh-and-blood person but also as millions of pictures on album covers and movie screens, in newspapers and magazines. He was infinitely reproducible. Similarly, through use of the silkscreen printing process, Warhol could produce as many Elvis paintings as he pleased.
** The {{w|Andy Warhol}} Museum's official laud on Elvis Presley as a subject of Art.

* When we first met, I was like, 'OK, Pam, don't act a fool, but I was trying to keep my composure, because this was fricking Prince. It's like Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson. It doesn't get any higher than that.&quot;
** {{w|Pam Warren}}, African American DJ also known as Pam the Funkstress and the Coup DJ, referring to his main client, Prince, in an interview in the San Francisco Chronicle in May of 2016, and as published by Billboard on her obituary, dated 23 December 2017.

* As a single woman, I could always spot a handsome man. Elvis Presley was one of the prettiest, yes, prettiest and nicest people I ever known. Pictures and videos of him really did not do him justice. In 1969, when I opened at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas and he had opened at the International, I once went to see my aunt Cissy Houston (a member of Elvis' vocal backing group, the Sweet Inspirations), during one of their sound checks. Elvis was there and Cissy introduced me to him. He let me know he was a a fan of my recordings then had all the Vegas record stores place a photo of him inside of my albums. This he announced from the stage and added that anyone who bought any of my albums would find an autographed photo of him inside of it. That week I think I sold more albums in Las Vegas than I ever had. I will never forget this act of kindness. We lost an icon when he made his transition.
** {{w|Dionne Warwick}}, recalling the time she met Elvis, as told in her auto-biography &quot;My Life, As I See It&quot;, (pp 99-100), published in 2010. The story also dovetails nicely with that of her then ten year companion, actor {{w|Gianni Russo}}'s account of Elvis, in Las Vegas, watching a western being shown on television with him, then drawing his real guns to make fun of the scenes they were watching, as noted in his auto biography entitled “Hollywood Godfather: My Life in the Movies and the Mob”.

* There would be no current popular music without Elvis. He not only synthesized everything that had come before him in a really unique way, but he influenced everybody who came after — so you can have Blake Shelton and Adam Lambert influenced by the same cat.
** {{w|Don Was}}, Grammy-winning producer,in an interview with Rollingstone and published in their February 13, 2019 edition.

* I've just worked with this guy ( in reference to Austin Butler)  on stage and  I've never seen a work ethic like it.
** {{w| Denzel Washington}}' s advice to director and producer Baz Luhrmann, whom he didnt even know,   as to who  should play the lead role in the  2022 Warner Brothers production of &quot;Elvis&quot; as noted in a  E News article entitled &quot;How a &quot;Cold Call&quot; from Denzel Washington helped Austin Butler score Elvis' role, and as  published on their May 12, 2022 edition. 

* i) Elvis Presley got the polio vaccine backstage on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1956, then publicized it on radio, and vulnerable teenagers flocked to follow. Today’s stars should, too. Another tool: incentives. President {{w|Joe Biden }} on Wednesday called on employers to give paid time off for vaccination; how about other inducements, such as bonuses?
** {{w|The Washington Post}}'s Editorial Board's opinion on advocacies for vaccination during the Covid 19 pandemia, as atated in an article entitled &quot;The US has vaccimated half its adults, the problen is the other half&quot;, and published on their April 21, 2021 edition

* Elvis' range was about two and a quarter octaves, as measured by musical notation, but his voice had an emotional range from tender whispers to sighs down to shouts, grunts, grumbles and sheer gruffness that could move the listener from calmness and surrender, to fear. His voice can not be measured in octaves, but in decibels; even that misses the problem of how to measure delicate whispers that are hardly audible at all.
** Lindsay Waters, Executive Editor for the Humanities at Harvard University Press, in his essay &quot;Come softly, darling, hear what I say&quot;

*I better watch out. I believe whitey's picking up on the things that I'm doing 
**{{w|Muddy Waters}}, after listening to Elvis' &quot;Trouble&quot; while unaware that it was written for Elvis  by  Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoler, as noted in the book  &quot;Elvis Presley and the Politics of Popular Memory&quot;  

* In my seventeen years as doorman to the top hotel in Hollywood, the biggest star that ever stayed there was Elvis Presley. He was indeed one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. If I introduced any person to him, he would show the utmost courtesy and respect that they ever encountered. Sometimes, over the long years I felt that God had put him on this earth for a very special reason. When you use the phrase &quot;a very special person&quot;, that was Elvis Presley, in my opinion.
** Earl &quot;The Pearl&quot; Watson, African American doorman of the {{w|Knickerbocker Hotel (Los Angeles)|Knickerbocker Hotel}} from 1945 to 1962. In his bio entitled &quot;Doorman To The Stars̊, he also talked about wanting to write an ENTIRE book dedicated to his positive memories of Elvis

* Whereas Ottawa has the unique distinction of being just one of three cities outside of the United States where Elvis Presley had a live performance, April 3 shall henceforth be known as Elvis Presley day in the capital.
** {{w|Jim Watson (Canadian politician)|Jim Watson}}, Mayor of Ottawa, as reported by CBC News on April 3, 2017, celebrating the 60th anniversary of Elvis' two sold out Ottawa shows in the Canadian capital.

* Keith Richards taught me rock and roll. We’d have nothing to do all day and we’d play these records over and over again. I learned to love Muddy Waters. Keith turned me on to how good Elvis Presley was, and I’d always hated Elvis up ’til then.
** {{w|Charlie Watts}}, as quoted in his obituary piublished in CNBC's August 24, 2021 edition

* Men, women and children recently released from immigration detention centers at the border are passing through the Memphis Greyhound bus station by the hundreds. At the border, they were detained for two days and then let go, ready to continue on to Virginia. After answering some questions he, and Hondurean, excused himself. &quot;We're hungry,&quot; he said in Spanish. Then he and his son got in line with other migrants at the restaurant inside the station. Wearing a tan jacket, he counted his dollar bills and coins and tried to figure out how to order a hamburger without speaking English. His son, wearing a baseball cap, pointed him out to a postcard of Elvis Presley...
** Michaela Watts, writing for {{w|The Commercial Appeal}} in an article entitled &quot;Greyhound station becomes transit point for Central Americans&quot; and published in that paper's 9 November 2018 edition.

* Elvis Presley. That lit the fuse for me.
** {{w|Jim Weatherly}}, Former University of Mississippi Quarter Back and songwriter, in reference to what turned him away from a career in football and into one of music, as published on the Clarion Ledger on October 12, 2018.

* Everything is collectible, it seems, even human hair. Outbidding an international field of collectors, an unnamed Londoner paid $13,000 last week to purchase a lock of Napoleon's hair, reportedly snipped a day after the Emperor's death in 1821. For those in the know, that's a relative bargain, particularly in view of what collectors have spent on strands from another famous head, namely that of Elvis Presley, whose small jar of hair sold for $115,000 in 2002. (In fact), Presley's barber had reportedly saved his hair in a bread bag. &quot;I have no idea what [the collector] intends to do with it,&quot; said a representative from the Chicago company, MastroNet, that held the internet auction.
** {{w|The Week}}'s collective answer to the question making up the headline of their article of July 6 of 2010 and entitled &quot;Strands of glory: Is Napoleon's hair worth more than Elvis'?

* It was seeing Elvis Presley on The Milton Berle Show, before Ed Sullivan. I already was pretty musical and seeing Elvis and his band, particularly his drummer, D.J. Fontana, just kind of grabbed me. Then, of course, four or five months later, he was on The Ed Sullivan Show and everything just... well, that was the Big Bang.
**{{w|Max Wienberg}}, drummer for Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band and television personality, answering how he first got the rock and roll urge in an interview with the Jerusalem Post, as published on January 27, 2018.

* I went to see Col. Parker with the million dollars he'd asked me to put up, which I got in two days, from an investor since I didn't have a cent to my name, so that is when he introduced me to Elvis, as his promoter. And Elvis, who was actually two years older than me just said &quot;Thank you very much, Sir&quot;. Anyways, by the time the two week tour wound up, in San Diego, I was a millionaire, too (LOL).
** Rock promoter and Hollywood producer {{w|Jerry Weintraub}}, recalling how he made his first million dollars, in an interview with Charlie Rose on Nov. 10, 1998

* Is it 2018 and the subject is the Long Range Stand-Off Weapon (LRSO)? No, it's 1956 and the subject is the AGM-28 cruise missile. Choosing the same solution (for the same aircraft!) decades apart seems like eye-roll material, but modern drone makers can draw much inspiration from the older missile. By the mid 1950s Soviet air defenses could shoot down American bombers well before they got within bombing range of important targets, so in 1956 the Strategic Air Command (SAC) asked for a supersonic cruise missile big enough to carry an H-bomb several hundred miles, and small enough for a B-52 to carry along with its bomb load. The missile's onboard inertial navigation system let it place its 1.45-megaton W-28 warhead within two miles of its target at six-hundred-miles range. It ran like a scalded dog and took its name from the Elvis Presley tune—the &quot;Hound Dog&quot;. Peak deployment spanned the 1960s into the middle 1970s, with up to 29 bomber wings carrying them on patrol. But as early as 1966 Defense Secretary Robert McNamara sought to retire them, so they went to the kennels in 1975 for dead storage, and the last one (save for a few museum displays) was scrapped about a year after Elvis himself died. They lingered long enough for their whiz-bang terrain-matching guidance system to become perfected and miniaturized in America's modern cruise missile weapons as deployed in the late 1970s and 1980s. Future drone motherships are certain to adopt and adapt its close bond with its owner— the fuel, thrust, electrical and data hosted by the motherships will be essential to swarms. The Hound Dogs will shed their fleas, indeed.
* Steve Weintz, in an article entitled &quot;The AGM-28 'Hound Dog' Cruise Missile: How the US Air Force Planned to Drop a Hydrogen Bomb on Russia&quot;, published in the {{w|National Interest}} on August 18, 2018.

* Elvis was probably the most important thing in music, maybe ever
** {{w|Bob Weir}}, singer-songwriter and guitarist, founding member of the {{w|Grateful Dead}}, in an interview for ABC's Elvis Lives.

* In early 1957, I flew to Hollywood to finally meet him. It was late in the day, and he had already recorded quite a few songs so, during a break in the session, I noticed him sitting alone in the corner, adlibbing some blues on the guitar. I wandered over to the piano next to him, sat down and joined in. He didn't look up, kept on playing and even changed keys on me, but I followed along. Then he looked up with that smile he was famous for, and asked who I was and what I was doing in the studio? I told him I had composed one of the songs he was about to record called 'Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do'. He immediately called out to his musicians and they recorded it on the spot. I never imagined the impact he was about to make on the world. Anyways,a couple of months later, I went to see one of the two Elvis shows he gave in Philly and the place was mobbed, girls with their feet dangling down from the balconies, everybody going crazy. I sat there and said 'This is a phenomenon! As a matter of fact while I was sitting there, a tomato went hurling through the air -Elvis was already on stage, and it hit and broke the strap on his guitar-. He stopped the show and said 'Hey,wait a minute! If somebody's got a problem up there, why don't you just come down here and we'll work it out'. Whoever threw it, would't come down from the balcony,but the person sure got bood....
** {{w|Ben Wiseman}}, Music composer best known for having written more songs recorded by Elvis (fifty seven) than any other songwriter in history, recalling his attending the Philly concert on April 5,1957,as noted in an interview with EIN.

* No one had any expectations, he being was such a strange, quiet fellow — so completely foreign, but he sang and read a scene from The Rainmaker and answered questions asked from off-screen — and it was phenomenal. It was amazing to be there, one of those life-changing experiences.&quot;
** Screenwriter {{w|Allan Weiss}}, in his 2004 book &quot;Elvis Presley: The Man. The Life. The Legend&quot;, in a specific reference to his being there with producer Hal Wallis on the day Elvis did his first screen test for Paramount, and as published on his obituary by The Hollywood Reporter on 3/27/2017

* When you picture past presidents of the United States, whom do you see? Perhaps you envision John F. Kennedy as a doting father playing with his children in the West Wing. Maybe you remember Richard Nixon as the smiling yet stiff leader who posed hand-in-hand with Elvis Presley in the Oval Office. In the case of Barack Obama, you might recall him as the solemn-faced Commander in Chief, watching the Osama Bin Laden raid in the Situation Room, or as the first African-American president, bowing his head so that a 5-year-old black boy could compare their haircuts. Official White House photographers —the image-makers who quietly author visual archives of America's Commanders in Chief— craft these impressions, which become indelible in the public imagination.
** {{w|Artsy (website)|Haley Weiss}} for Artsy, in an article entitled ̊̊How White House Photographers Have Shaped the Image of the Presiden̊t̊ and published on their January 7, 2019 edition.

* I put Elvis Presley up there with Jolson and Sinatra, and I'll go one step further: Elvis was the greatest pop entertainer of the 20th century. Like Al Jolson, he gave his all when performing: He sang from his heart, his body, the very essence of his total being, when sharing what he felt.&quot;
** {{w|Mort Weiss}}, Jazz clarinet musician, recalling his having shared a train with Presley when they were both 21 years old, as published on the February 25, 2012 online edition of Something else. at www.somethingelseviews.com

* He played the San Diego Arena in the spring, and my family lived in nearby La Jolla, so I went to the concert. &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; was already a radio hit, and I couldn't get enough of it. Hearing that song was a real turning point for me as a teenager. When I saw him in action, he was mesmerizing, dressed as he was in a pair of loose trousers, loafers, a shirt and open jacket. When he moved, he was smoldering, his hair falling over his eyes, his tone sensual. His delivery on &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; was also in a minor key, which always triggered a reaction in me. But it was when he slipped in those low-register Elvis-isms— you know, the huh-huh thing— it came from his body, not from his head. He had that emotional intensity that was impossible to resist.
** {{w|Raquel Welch}}, in an interview with the Wall Street Journal on Oct. 25, 2013

* He a had a magic combination of looks and voice, and you can̪t discount how good looking he was as a young man and he was the guy who really brought black music into the vocabulary.
** {{w|Jann Wenner}}, co founder of RollingStone, in an interview for A&amp;E's miniseries the Greatest 100 people of the millennium.

* He was almost at the point where he was being recognized as a national star, but not quite. I'll give you an example. Once, in a railroad station in Chattanooga, TN, we were waiting to change trains. Elvis went over to a magazine rack and picked up a movie magazine. He found a photo of himself inside and says to me 'Al, can I have a pen?' I gave him one and he scribbled his name inside the magazine. Then he goes over to the two girls working at the rack. He had the spread open to his picture, showing it to them. He's also looking back at me with a huge Cheshire Cat grin. Their reaction was 'That'll be 35 cents sir'. Then Elvis said to them 'No, this is for you. I'm Elvis Presley'. In the meantime, I'm capturing pictures of all of this, which is really what I wanted.
** Alfred Wertheimer, who took over 2,500 images of Elvis in a period of eight shooting days, divided in two groups, the first in March of 1956, at the specific request of RCA, and then in late September of 1958 on the day he left for Germany, as a soldier in the {{w|Elvis Presley's Army career|U.S. Army}}, in an interview with EIN's online page on April 30, 2011.

* Can I talk to Elvis? said the caller. “This is Jimmy Carter”. Indeed it was the then President-elect calling from Atlanta, where he'd seen him the day before, to ask Elvis to be a youth spokesman. A few hours later, with the temperature near zero and the wind gusting to 30 mph, Elvis rousted his entourage and ordered everyone to the airport for the flight home. They got on the Lisa Marie, but the pilot couldn't get it started right away, so they all huddled together in blankets waiting for the plane to start and heat up. And then they get word of a bomb threat, so they had to sign papers authorizing it to take off anyway. As the plane rolled down the runway at Pittsburgh airport, we all just sat there in silence looking at each other and wondering if this was going to be it. Had that been “it,” Elvis would have gone out on a high note.
** {{w|Tim Wesley}} from his book, “My Boxes: A Nostalgic Collection of Stories and Stuff,”

* It's our responsibility as musicians to keep pushing each other, to keep competing with each other. It's a really great competition. I see here artists like Beyonce and Alicia Keys and Rihanna and Chris Brown and Chris Martin, all in the same room, and we're going to push this music to the point where it was like in the 1960s and '70s, when the talk was about Led Zeppelin, and Jimi Hendrix, and the Beatles. We (all) will be the new Beatles. We (all) will be the new Hendrix; (in fact) in any other industry, they'll tell you that you're supposed to do better than those in the past, so when you say, 'I want to be Elvis,' they say, 'What's wrong with you?' Well, I wanna be Elvis.
** {{w|Kanye West}}, in accepting Best Album honors in the Rap &amp; Hip-Hop category, at the American Music Awards, on November 23, 2008

* I once met a young man from Mexico who asked me why Elvis didn't like Mexican people because he'd heard the rumours that he had criticized his countrymen. I told him it was all lies and that Elvis loved Mexicans. He told me that Elvis was supposed to have said Mexicans were greasy haired people. I told him to remember that Elvis was the one who put stuff in his hair to make it greasy and he even died it black too. There were many reports about things Elvis was supposed to have said that he never did, in fact he was upset that he wasn't allowed to go into Mexico because of riots. On the set of Fun In Acapulco, Elvis got upset with the director,(Richard Thorpe, who had already directed him in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;) because he got onto a couple of the actors because they spoke broken English and even yelled, “Jesus Christ, can’t you get the lines right?”. Elvis took him aside and said, 'Sir, those people were hired by the producer and he knew how they spoke and also knew their language, but he wanted them and they're doing the best they can. Rehearse with them more or whatever but please don't be doing that. I don't like you doing that to them' and the director stopped it.
** {{w|Sonny West}}, who was Elvis' bodyguard until 1976, in his autobiography Fame and Fortune.

* We had crew cuts, wore tee-shirts and blue jeans, Elvis had the long duck-tail, the long sideburns and he wore the loud clothes, and naturally he was a target for all the bullies. One day luckily I walked into the boys' bathroom at Humes High School and 3 guys were going to cut his hair just, you know, to make themselves look big or make them feel big or whatever, and I intervened and stopped it. And I guess that stuck because a couple of years later after Elvis had his first record he came over and asked me if I would like to go with him, I think it was Grenada, Mississippi or somewhere, and I went and I was with him from then on, except for a couple of years in the Marine Corps.
** {{w|Red West}}, who went to high school with Elvis, then became one of his bodyguards until 1976, as told in an interview with Elvis Australia on May 29, 2008

* With his blue eyes he should photograph well with black hair.
** Paramount's top make-up artist {{w|Wally Westmore}}'s suggestion to producer Hal Wallis, after meeting Presley in early October of 1956, in preparation for his second movie, &quot;Loving You&quot;, which was shot in Technicolor in early 1957. Wallis approved and his hair was then dyed black, as noted in za.pinterest.com/pin/268879040226515826/ on January 28, 2018. Wallis approved and his hair was then dyed black.

* We all know, of course, that Elvis was a philanthropist and humanitarian. The stories of his generosity are legendary. Yet here is a tidbit that I believe is a monumental testament to his true nature, one that most people have never heard. On Christmas Eves when most of us spend that entire special evening with our families, Elvis would leave the house and go to the local jail. He visited every prisoner no matter their race, gender, creed and the severity of the alleged crime and talked with every single one. I was told by the officers he would ask each one why they were there and how he could help them. And help them he did in any way he could. He took notes, planned what he would do for each and every one he could possibly do something for. Of course in most of our religions and particularly Christianity, we are taught that Jesus told us to comfort those in need, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the sick, shelter the homeless etc.&quot;I was in prison and ye visited me&quot; is one that I venture to guess not many of us, even though we call ourselves Christian believers, would ever do. Elvis Presley not only believed what he was taught, but physically acted on those teachings. Most of us (including me) somehow decide this one instruction is just easy to ignore and/or better left &quot;out&quot; of our good deeds. Still, he kept contacting their families to see if they needed financial assistance. Were their children alright? Their husbands or wives̞? And he made certain they would be helped once they served their time and that they had proper representation in the court by a decent attorney. How many of us would do this at any time, let alone on Christmas Eves?
** Soprano {{w|Kathy Westmoreland}}, the little girl with the high voice, as Elvis used to call her during the tours she accompanied Elvis in the 1970's, in an article entitled ̊&quot;How Elvis Secretly Spent His Christmas Eves̊&quot; 2011.

* Believe me, Benny just had this incredible electricity about him. He was the Elvis Presley of Cleveland.
** {{w|The Cars|Wayne Weston}}'s laud of his early band mate Benjamin Orr, later founder of {{w|The Cars}} in an article entitled Let's go: Benjamin Orr &amp; The Cars by Joe Milliken and published on Glide-s magazine December 21, 2019 8 edition.

* The voice is so melodious, and – of course, by accident, this glorious voice and musical sensibility was combined with this beautiful, sexual man and this very unconscious – or unselfconscious stage movements. Presley's registration, the breadth of his tone, listening to some of his records, you'd think you were listening to an opera singer. But...it's an opera singer with a deep connection to the blues, which leads me to the role of the great enunciator, because he delivered us the greatest cultural boon. Nobody ever did more for the American people. He gave them the great present of black music transmitted through his own sensibility, his own sensitivity. Of course Elvis was a different kind of white purveyor of black music because it was naturally black and it was real and he was a conduit. And America was really changed. I'm talking about American music and our culture in general. We owe far more to Elvis Presley than all the British groups put together.&quot;
** {{w|Jerry Wexler}}, co-founder of Atlantic Records, whose bid of US$30,000 came up short of the US$35,000 offered by RCA, for the purchase of Elvis' contract with SUN Records in November of 1955.

* If Rock and Roll were a religion, Elvis was its most prolific disciple, responsible for more converts than anyone before or after him; if it had been country, Elvis was a Founding Father and his lyrics were the documents of freedom that helped to birth the nation; if it were a sickness, Elvis-itis would be the most potent and contagious virus known to man, infecting victims who just looked at his image, heard his voice or saw him perform in person or through a recording. But since Rock and Roll is music, we’ve all decided the world over to just call Elvis…the King.
** A. C. Wharton African American Mayor of Shelby County, Tennessee, in commemoration of what would have been Elvis' 74th birthday, at the Graceland mansion, and as published by www.elvis.com, on 8th January 2009.

* The Star Wars movies belong in the same category as Elvis Presley movies: They’re popular yet are all but unwatchable — except that the Presley pictures evince a human touch&quot;.
** {{w|Armond White}}'s opening paragraph in reviewing &quot;The Last Jedi&quot; for the &quot;National Review&quot;'s December 15th edition.

* I'd heard that song many times. But that night in jail was the first time I really heard it. It was more important to me than any song I'd ever heard in my life. When he hit that hook in the song, &quot;It's now or never,&quot; it was like someone grabbed me by my shirt, looked at me and said, &quot;You asshole. You see where you're sitting, Barry? You're sitting in jail, and you can't stand it. You've got to change your life. It's your decision. It's now, or it's never.&quot; That's the way I read it. And when I got out, I told myself, Never again.&quot;
** {{w|Barry White|Barry White }} from an interview in Playboy magazine's April 2000 edition.

* In 1968, a “drive-by” wasn't a shooting, it was popping into the salon for a fast touch up. Elvis Presley came to my salon just to say hello sometimes. When he'd show up, the ladies leaped out of their shampoo pools, they wanted his attention so badly.
** {{w|Carrie White (hairdresser)|Carrie White}}, for LA Mag, in an article entitled &quot;Hairdresser to the Stars Carrie White Recalls the Summer L.A. Changed Forever&quot;, as published on August 12, 2019.

* My father George C. White had gone to Yale for a year before he went to art school and I just wanted to go to Yale too. They allowed only three people a year in those days to major in theater and you had to audition and if you were accepted into the program, then you got a year's credit toward your master's degree. After college I joined the Army where, by chance, I met Elvis Presley, He was in the third army division, I was in the fourth but I ended up doing a show with him up on the Czech border in 1958. Because we were all freezing to death, we cooked up this show and Elvis said, ‘You’re in the theater, aren’t you, George?’ and I said I was, and he said, ‘Why don’t we put on a show and we can get out of guard duty? LOL. And we did.
** {{w|Eugene O'Neill Theater Center|George White}}, recalling the show they organized at the Mickey Bar in Grafenwöhr in December of 1958 in an article entitled &quot;George White on Theater on the Record&quot; as published in the August 1 2020 edition of the CT Examiner

* An 18-year-old Elvis Presley walked through the doors of the Memphis Recording Service at 708 Union Ave. in the summer of 1953. He carried a beat-up guitar that he'd had since the age of 11 and enough money to make a $3.98 record of his own voice. He sang two '30s ballads -- &quot;My Happiness&quot; and &quot;That's When Your Heartaches Begin&quot; -- hoping to catch the attention of Sam Phillips, who had started his own label, Sun. When he was done, Marion Keisker, who helped run the place with Phillips, typed his name on the back of a label for Sun act The Prisonaires, and Presley left with his acetate. For more than six decades, that record of Elvis singing &quot;My Happiness&quot; was kept by the family of the high-school friend Presley left it with, Ed Leek. As part of an auction, it was valued at approximately $100,000. It sold to an unknown Internet bidder for $300,000...
** Identifying the bidder, musician {{w|Jack White}}, who had also appeared in a cameo role portraying Elvis in the movie &quot;Walk Hard&quot;, as published by Billboard, on Jan. 15, 2015.

* Elvis' producer Felton Jervis was a good friend of mine. All of a sudden I released ‘Polk Salad Annie ’ and it was a big hit single and then Felton called and invited my wife &amp; me out to Las Vegas to see Elvis perform it. He did a good version of it, which of course he recorded for the live album. We hung out with Elvis for two or three days and just sat back in the dressing room and talked. We played a little guitar together – he really liked music. Elvis said, “Man, I feel like I wrote that song”. I said “You know, the way you do it on stage, it feels like you wrote it”. Then, in 1974, I was living in Memphis and it was about 4 o'clock in the morning when my phone rings. This German voice says “Mr. White, we are down at Stax records do you have any more songs? We need to do some songs.” I said “Well, who in the hell is this, why you calling me at this time?” He explained that he was Freddy Bienstock, Elvis' publisher. I asked if Felton was down there and he said he was. So I got up &amp; ran into my studio and ran off a copy of ‘For Ol’ Times Sake' &amp; ‘I’ve Got A Thing About You Baby’ and one other and went down the studio. I drove all the way to downtown Memphis and was met in this low, dark alleyway by two shady men in hats &amp; coats. They said in this thick German accent “Did you bring zee tapes?” and I was ushered into this little bitty room! It was so strange &amp; freaky. A real seedy part of town and these guys in their 50s or 60s and they had a little reel-to-reel in this dark cubby hole. They sit me down on a chair &amp; they played two bars of ‘For Ol’ Times Sake' and ‘I Got A Thing’ and they played the third song. They said “We like the first two. Now you can go!” I said, “Hey man, I’ve driven this far, where’s Felton?” They said, “You don’t need Felton. We like these songs. You can go!” But at this point luckily Felton walked in and took me into the studio with me &amp; him and Elvis, so it was cool then. Wow!
** {{w|Tony Joe White}} in a 2002 interview with Piers Beagley at EIN's website page.

* Virtually everything we hear on recordings and see on video and the concert stage can be traced to two icons: Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly.
** {{w|Rutherford Institute|John W. Whitehead}}, civil liberties and human rights advocate and founder of the Rutherford Institute, in his article ̊̊&quot;The Day the Music Died: Remembering Buddy Holly (1936–1959)̊ , as published in Scoopʽs Tuesday, 5 February 2019 edition.

* He defined American culture to billions of adoring fans around the world. Elvis fused gospel, country, and rhythm and blues to create a sound all his own, selling more than a billion records. Elvis also served nearly 2 years in the United States Army, humbly accepting the call to serve despite his fame. He later starred in 31 films, drew record-breaking audiences to his shows, sent television ratings soaring, and earned 14 GRAMMY Award nominations. He ultimately won 3 GRAMMY Awards for his gospel music. Elvis Presley remains an enduring American icon 4 decades after his death.
** The {{w|White House}}'s Press release on November 10, 2018, announcing Elvis being one of seven honoured, in his case and that of two others, posthumously, with his country's highest civilian award, the 2018 {{w|Presidential Medal of Freedom}}.

* As he concluded one of his dynamic and frenzied concerts an attempt was made to honor him by giving him an ornate crown. Uncharacteristically and courteously, Elvis stopped and said, “ I am not the King. There’s only one King, and that’s Jesus Christ.
**  Keith Whitehouse, Pastor of the Sutter Creek Baptist Church in an article entitled Elvis and Jesus, as published in the {{w|Amador Ledger}}'s June 19, 2021 issue. 

* Go ahead, moan all you like about Elvis. (But) this is still the single greatest rock &amp; roll Christmas record ever made. Elvis' slurred, dirty, wailing delivery and Scotty Moore, Bill Black and DJ Fontana's walloping primitivo accompaniment put this over with a licentious zeal that never wears out its welcome. Although he favored gospel above all else, Elvis genuinely excelled as a blues singer (there simply ain't another white cat who can pull ‘em off as convincingly) and this wildly unlikely collision of atmosphere and theme rates as a minor, and altogether irresistible, masterpiece —
** {{w|Jonny Whiteside}}'s laud of &quot;Santa Claus is back in town&quot;, as published in an article at LA Weekly, on December 2, 2016. The extraordinary piano playing heard on the recording is that of Dudley Brooks, the African American musician who worked with Presley in an additional 10 recording sessions, both before and after this particular one.

* Around the world the only three words that need no translation to convey their meaning are ̊&quot;Jesus, Coke and Elvis&quot;
** Peter Whitmere's laud on Elvis, as noted on his 1996 book of the same name.

* We were booked to fly home the next day, but that night after the last show we got a telephone call from Colonel Tom Parker saying that Elvis would like to meet us on a film set at 2pm the next day. When we arrived Col. Parker met us and told us that Elvis had just gone out for a ride. Just then we heard what at first sounded like thunder coming from down the beach a long way off. As the sound got louder, we could see about 13 motorbikes side-by-side coming towards us. Elvis was in the centre of the riders as they roared onto the film set. What an entrance! I was spellbound! All together we had about two hours with Elvis. I told him that when I saw the first clip of him in &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot;, that's what got me into rock ‘n’ roll. We also talked about our tour of America. What a guy. A real gent. It was wonderful.
** {{w|Barry Whitwam}}, drummer for the UK band {{w|Herman’s Hermits}} on the day he and lead singer Peter Noone met Elvis in Hawaii, in an interview with the &quot;Express And Star&quot; published on January 19, 2018.

* It made me feel great to be with him. He fit in so easy. Driver, loader, gunner, and tank commander you had to learn all four positions. Seeing him operate a tank was normal. His parents, visited often and especially his mother was a great source of comfort to us young draftees,always telling us to take care of each other, like we were her children.When she passed away, he said he'd give everything he had to get her back, but he knew he couldn't do that. He showed me all the telegrams he got from celebrities, three books filled with them. Once in Germany we served in the 1st Battalion, 32nd Armor Regiment, 3rd Armored Division.Despite his fame, Elvis was always just one of the guys. In fact, he inspired the other men to be better, stronger soldiers. When things got tough you could be out at night, it's cold and raining and you're on guard duty, and he was out there, too. If he could do it, that made me feel like, OK, I can do this!&quot; After serving two years, we both came home and I went to work for a flooring company, drove a dump truck and eventually became a building engineer for Memphis City Schools. With my wife we raised two daughters and they knew how proud I was to have serve alongside Elvis. One of my daughters laminated the famous photos of Elvis being inducted, with me right there behind him. I carry them everywhere, showing them even to strangers because I want everyone to know how good a person Elvis was. And I do smile when telling the story of the time I was drafted into the military with the most famous person on the planet. The years I spent with Elvis clearly had a lasting impact with me. He stuck with it, did his job as well as I did mine, and I appreciated that. It was great...
** Nathaniel Wiggison, an African American from Memphis, TN, on his having served with Elvis in the Army, in an interview with wmcactionnews5, on March 28, 2018.

* What drew me to him was that his music was subversive. When the Beatles came around, grown-ups saw them as four mop tops, and didn’t take it very seriously. But when he came on the scene, it was different, the adults really didn’t like his stage performances and dancing. I soon asked for a guitar and got one for Christmas. It wasn’t an expensive guitar. A few years later my mom, who was a single mother, got me a nicer guitar when she saw I was very serious about it. It was a Harmony.
** Canadian Rock-blues singer and songwriter {{w|David Wilcox (Canadian musician)|David Wilcox}}, on his early decision to be a musician, as reported by the Cornwall Seeker on its July 14, 2017' edition

* When he joined the U. S. Army in March of 1958, the Navy, the Air Force and the Pentagon were left disappointed. All the armed services had put considerable effort into being his choice. The Navy had gone so far as proposing a special “Elvis Presley company,” which would be drawn from Presley's buddies, and others from Memphis. If that wasn't enough, Elvis would also be assigned quarters entirely for his own use. The Army, also eager to win his favor, suggested he might be flown globally from base to base in order to boost the morale of the troops. The Pentagon, for its part, floated the idea of Elvis immediately joining the Special Services, thus sidestepping the need for regular training. But regular training was precisely what Presley wanted.He joined the army, but turned down all offers of special treatment. Private Presley he was, and was paid $78 a month. His last day of active duty was March 5, 1960.
** {{w|Wolfgang Wild}}, curator, writing for Considerable, in an article entitled &quot;Elvis in the Army: All shook up&quot; as published on March 1, 2019

* My dad's head went into a fantasy, this idea of everything being better in America. Of course for his generation, that was very true. Everyone was going to drive in movies and drinking milkshakes and having hamburgers in America. We weren't doing things like that in the UK. I think a lot of that got caught up in the lyrics – all the kids in America are having a better, more interesting, more dangerous time than we were here. When Elvis and rock'n'roll was imported over from America, it was to a generation of kids whose parents had dealt with the war, and rationing, and they'd all been brought up in pretty poor conditions. So it was a great thing for the kids to dream about again. They dared to have an identity, for starters. They dared to dream through these great records imported from America. That's where the great love affair started for my father – as soon as he heard Elvis Presley record.
** UK rocker {{w|Kim Wilde}}, recalling how her first hit, &quot;Kids in America&quot; written by her father {{w|Marty Wilde}} and her brother Ricky, came into being and as published on TEAMROCK, on 20 February 2018.

* I was 17, so I go to Hollywood for a few days, staying with {{w|Patti Page}}, whose husband was then choreographer for Elvis in &quot;King Creole&quot;. So I watched the shooting one day, then Elvis came over and started talking to me, invited me to dinner, at his hotel, the Beverly Wilshire. So after dinner we end up in his bedroom. And when he found out I was a virgin, he just picked up his guitar and sat on his bed and sang to me for about two hours. He was gorgeous in those days. I couldn't wait to tell all my girlfriends.
** {{w|June Wilkinson}}, English model and actress, known for her appearances in Playboy magazine, as published on the Orange County Register on the day after Hugh Hefner's passing.

* Overnight, or over a bite, you might say, the hand that's been punching out copy for the unconcerned becomes celebrated as the hand that was bitten by Elvis Presley. As a newspaper woman gnawed by the nation's top hound dog singer, I've been advised variously to sue for assault, take a rabies shot, inquire whether he brushes after every meal, or offer my paw to the museum. Yep, folks have really showed concern.
** News reporter Betty Wilkirson, telling the {{w|Associated Press}}, which ran the story nationwide on July 3, 1956, that Elvis had bit her in the hand on June 28, 1956, as she asked him to pose for a photograph right after his appearance at College Park, in Charleston South Carolina.

* Those who would wall off cultures from “outsiders” are would-be wardens.
** {{w|George Will}}, Pulitzer Prize commentator, highlighting Elvis' love for and appreciation of R&amp;B music in an article published in various newspapers, including the Washington Post and the National Review on 13 May, 2017 and entitled &quot;Today’s Left Would Have Called Elvis’s Music ‘Cultural Appropriation’&quot;

* One evening Elvis Presley came backstage to see my show at Caesars Palace. I was in my dressing room with a few friends and well-wishers when Elvis arrived with his entourage. It was the first time I'd met him, and we got on very well; he was very gracious and polite, We talked about music and a few other things. After a while Elvis asked me to come over to his hotel, where he had some music he wanted to play for me. It was about 2:30 in the morning when we got back to Elvis's hotel, but as he opened the door of his suite, a wall of noise hit us. There must have been a hundred people in there. Elvis ignored them and led me through to a quieter room and started playing some of his favorite music: gospel About four in the morning I got up to go, but Elvis said, &quot;Wait, I want to give you something.&quot; He went into the bedroom and came back with six or eight Navaho Indian belts with silver and turquoise buckles. &quot;Pick one,&quot; he said. &quot;I want you to have one.&quot; So I chose one, thanked him, and then headed back to my hotel. I still have the Navaho belt he gave me. I felt about it the way I did about those things my kids sometimes give me: You keep and proudly display them not because of what they are but because of who has given them to you.
** {{w|Andy Williams}}, in his 2009 memoirs Moon River and me.

* I was in a large parking lot, on one side hosting a telethon I was involved in and the Monroe Civic Center, where Elvis was playing, on the other. He knew there was going to be a child in a wheelchair waiting for him, so he stopped on his way to his limo, totally tired, after the concert, but got oh his knees and placed a scarf around his neck. I felt like crying. Then he looked at me, I was 24, hugged me and told me a few stories one of them about how a co worker had encouraged him to record.
** {{w|Anson Williams}}, in an interview in 2019, with Diana Lynn Band Candy, on youtube.

* People talk of his range and power, his ability and ease in hitting the high notes. But the real difference between Elvis and other singers was that he could sing majestically in any style, be it rock, country, or R&amp;B – because he had soul. He sang from the heart. And that is what made him the greatest singer in the history of popular music.
** {{w|John Owen Williams (record producer)|John Owen Williams}}, UK Record producer as published on on August 15, 2017, on the Conversation in an article entitled &quot;Elvis’s voice: like Mario Lanza singing the blues&quot;

* The first line of the record is sung without accompaniment, punctuated at the end by two beats, two chords on the piano. Exquisite. And this pattern is repeated through the verse, a Capella singing, piano crash, more a Capella singing; and then Elvis sings the chorus backed only by the beautiful, lonesome sound of a walking electric bass. The risk —only a great voice can hang out there that naked — is impressive and the payoff is phenomenal. None of which would matter, I suppose, if it weren't that the voice that this perfect and daring bit of accompaniment supports is nothing short of awesome; spirit is walking throughout this recording, just put it on the phonograph, and the room fills with ozone. Darkness and gloom drip joyfully from every rafter. This &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; voice is an instant old friend; it intimately and unforgettably announces the arrival of something big.
** {{w|Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams}}, writing about Elvis' &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot;, which ranked in fourth place in Crawdaddy magazine's list of &quot;The 100 best singles of all time&quot;

* He inspired me to become a performer, he is a legend. And what do I before I enter a stage? Everytime? Well, I take an Espresso and I pray to Elvis.&quot;
** UK singer {{w|Robbie Williams}}, as published in http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html

* That there is a seat in the front in the concert of {{w|Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart}} and Elvis Presley.
** {{w|Robin Williams}}'s reply to {{w|James Lipton}}, executive producer, writer and host of the series &quot;Inside the Actors Studio&quot; when asked what he would like God to say when he arrives in heaven, as broadcast on Lipton's edition of January 29, 2001 

* He was so ahead of his time, and that's why he brought so many people together, with his music without it having it any racial barriers.
** {{w|Serena Williams}}, US African American tennis player, in Elvis Elvis, an ABC 2002 special.

* Eminem is regarded as one of the most important artists in the history of the hip hop genre even though his albums haven't been as genre-defining as so many of his peers, and his music is only tangentially influential when compared to a Rakim, 2Pac, Jay-Z or Kanye. He's mostly important for providing white fans a credible entry point into the genre. And we're supposed to be okay with that. We're not supposed to view Eminem and Elvis Presley as comparable. We're supposed to see Em as authentic and Elvis as a vulture. But Elvis raved about Black artists from Jackie Wilson to Mahalia Jackson, topped the R&amp;B charts (and country charts) regularly, made headlines for facing Black audiences in Memphis when festivals were still racially segregated, chummed around with Ike Turner and B.B. King, and James Brown called him his “brother.” You don't really see a divide between Elvis and Black audiences until the “shine my shoes” rumor starts circulating in 1957. But that quote was always just a rumor. I also found it interesting that Elvis was vilified for a bullshit quote while people like Eric Clapton got zero flak for a very real one. B.B. King talked about this repeatedly, but the lie is louder,
** Stereo Williams, in an article published at the Daily Beast on December 22, 2018, as well as reference to the fact that for decades Elvis has been slandered for something he never actually said, while many others, including Eric Clapton, were given a free pass for quotes that were real.

* Elvis was the ideal in 'Orpheus Descending', and we were optimistic up to a point that he might make his first appearance on the stage, and then we hoped he would appear in a film. That was a madly delirious episode, because time, for the most famous people, simply has no meaning. People and things arrive at the slightest expression of desire or interest, and they disappear just as quickly. All questions are answered; every need fulfilled. He was elaborately polite with me: I think he saw me as some elder Southern gentleman who might give his father a loan at the bank downtown, but we soon saw that the discipline of a stage performance was beyond him. It was--and it is--frightfully boring for most people to show up and replicate and expand within a refined role. Still, I met him. I was in the presence. Diamonds and lard. There's your title.
** {{w|Tennessee Williams}}, as told to James Grisson for inclusion in the latter's book ̊̊̊̊&quot;Follies of God, Tennessee Williams and the women of the fog&quot;

* I am not a part of that. To Louisville, I am f-ing Elvis Presley. So why would I pay anybody for anything?
** professional basketball player {{w|Terrence Williams}}, as told to TMZSports, when questioned to comment on his being mentioned in Katina Powell's “Breaking Cardinal Rules” book, as one alleged to have paid $500 for sex.

* I met Elvis Presley at the &quot;Dick Clark Show&quot; at Circus Circus in Las Vegas, a place where a great musical extravaganza with some of the greatest artists of the day would always appear. So, we were sitting in the audience and Jackie Wilson had just finished his set and then Dick Clark came out, but before he introduced the next act he wanted to announce someone special had arrived, &quot;Ladies and Gentlemen&quot; The lights went down and all of a sudden spotlights went to the back of the room. I looked around and it was Elvis, He was looking cool and wearing shades, snatched them off as if saying, &quot;Hello Everybody!, then came walking down the aisle to his table and when he saw Louise, he stopped and said &quot;Hi Louise. Hi Nikki&quot; and they started talking. I stood up and he said &quot;Hi.&quot; I said &quot;Hi, I'm Pepe. It's nice to meet you.&quot; I shook his hand. He said something else to Louise, and then said &quot;See you later&quot; and went to his table. By the time I was in Las Vegas, I had already met tons of celebrities, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells, Dionne Warwick and Wayne Newton. I also met Ike and Tina Turner. I drank champagne with Adam Clayton Powell and I met Redd Foxx. But, when I saw Elvis, I said, now that man's a star. It was a different kind of thing.&quot;
** {{w|Pepe Willie}}, African American Soul/Funk/R&amp;B Singer/Musician/Producer and President of Pepe Music Inc who was Prince' former mentor, talking in a phone interview on May 12, 2013

* America loves a phoenix, and we sure got one when Elvis dusted off the ashes of his mid-‘60s movie career and put on black leather for the greatest of all network TV music specials. Thom Zimny has done a video re-edit on some of the performances and it’s more fun to watch all this material after reading the collection’s written oral history of how many ways the special could have gone wrong yet somehow, for once, went so beautifully right. And what joy it is to re-experience Elvis caught even fleetingly in hip-swiveling flight.
** Chris Willman, writing for {{w|Variety (magazine)|Variety}} in an article entitled &quot;The 10 Best Music Boxed Sets of 2018&quot;, as published on their December 28, 2018 edition.

* I was with  {{w|Sophia Loren|Sophia Loren}} in the Paramount Studios Commissary (in early 1958),  where we were going to have lunch and suddenly she was on her feet as he had spied Elvis walking through. I don't think she had ever met him, but Italian enthusiasm cannot be denied. In a minute she was sitting on his lap, tousling his hair. The skirmish was over as quickly as it begun as she was only saying how much she liked his music. He was also aware that I was taking their pictures, so what could he do? What could any man do? Surrender...
** {{w|Bob Willoughby|Bob Willoughby}}, in his memoirs entitled &quot;Bob Willoughby: A Cinematic Life&quot; , on the day Elvis and Sophia Loren met.   

*  I was frightened by Elvis, I think because I  was 10,  but my sister Nancy loved him..
** {{w|Ann Wilson|Ann Wilson}}, of the group Heart,  as told to David Letterman on his 10/6/1982 show. 

* I was recording with {{w|Terry Melcher}} at RCA Victor Records in 1975, so were We were working on the song &quot;Why Do Fools Fall in Love?&quot; when suddenly Terry said, “Hey, Elvis is in the next studio recording.” That was a big surprise to hear he was in the studio next to me. So I walked into the studio and said, “Hi, I’m Brian Wilson” and he goes, “Hello Duke.” I don't know why he called me Duke. I said, “Would you like to hear what I’m doing in the studio?” and he said yes. So we walked over to my studio and listened to what I was doing and then said he had to leave. It was a thrill to meet him. I liked Elvis Presley's songs, but never saw him live. I thought he was a very underrated singer, more of a star. He was really known more for his fame than his voice. I think he deserved more credit for his voice.
** {{w|Brian Wilson}}, of the Beach Boys, on meeting Elvis. as published in the book, Elvis from those who knew him best.

* There was a time when in some circles, people may not have thought it cool to say they were an Elvis fan, but I am, I loved him.&quot;
** {{w|Carl Wilson}}, of the Beach Boys,in an interview in 1980, as reported by YouTube

* A lot of people have accused Elvis of stealing the black man’s music, when in fact, almost every black solo entertainer copied his stage mannerisms from Elvis.”
** {{w|Jackie Wilson}}, as noted in graceland.com.

* It is probable that he will eventually settle into the mainstream of popular singers. When he does he may well build a reputation as one of the most remarkable of white blues singers, possibly the first to invade successfully the field of country blues.
** {{w|John S. Wilson (music critic)|John S. Wilson}}, Jazz critic for the NYT, reviewing Elvis first two albums, as published on that paper's January 13, 1957 edition

* Elvis Presley jerked his torturous way across the stage of the Municipal Auditorium on Sunday, sang eight or ten songs, thumped on a guitar, fell to the floor, knocked over microphones and set off a din of teenage squealing. At the evening performance he contorted his body in such a manner as to cause whole platoons to rush to the edge of the stage. In fact, he flings his limbs about and quivers in such a way as to make one think he might have a trick knee or hip, possibly from an old war injury...but this is not the case. This is just Elvis Presley....
** Pen Wilson, reviewing for the {{w|Times-Picayune}} Elvis' two back to back New Orleans concerts on August 12, 1956, and as published on that paper on the following day.

* I was such a great fan of his, I saw all his movies, and always thought I would one day meet him. But I never did, so this is full circle for me.
** {{w|Oprah Winfrey}}'s words on the night she became the first person not a member of the Presley immediate family to sit, and have dinner at the Graceland dining room since his death, as the special guest of Lisa Marie, who asked her if she had been an Elvis fan. (Special Oprah show telecast on October 10,2006).

* I objected to {{w|Madonna}}'s casting, because it made the project &quot;an Elvis film.&quot;
** {{w|Debra Winger}}'s explanation over why she quit her starring role in director Penny Marshall's 1992 baseball film, &quot;A League of Their Own.&quot;

* I knew him when he was quite young, in 1956, when he was dating Natalie Wood, and they would very inconspicuously wear white clothes and, if they went to the movies, everyone would be looking at them, and not the film. LOL. In my house, I have a couch where they would make up, and to this day, when I tell visitors about it, they can̪t believe it. It is the same couch.
** {{w|Shelley Winters}}, in a 1979 interview on the making of the ABC film Elvis, where she plays Elvis̪ mother Gladys.

* Boris Yeltsin was best known for his role as the President of Russia, but he also had another unique claim to fame: Moscow's biggest Elvis Presley fan. According to sources, Yeltsin was a huge fan of Presley and would often listen to his recording of “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” during times of stress, such as in August, 1991, when he prevented a coup by standing on top of a tank. But while Yeltsin loved Presley, he hated staples with an equal amount of passion, as reflected in a memo from a Yeltsin aide demanding that no one use staples on any papers given to their fearless leader, as &quot;this practice holds up the President’s very decisions.”
** {{w|Wireless}}'s edition of April 24, 2007.

* I've done everything for Elvis that I possibly can to keep the legend going. That operation -which provided me with pouty lips, a jaunty chin and a more Presleyesque nose was just the beginning...
** Dennis Wise, the first person to undergo plastic surgery to look like Elvis, in an article published in the Orlando Sentinel on January 4, 1987. His operation, in 1978, was the subject of international media headlines and, starting in 1980, he became a successful Elvis Tribute Artist.

* As many have observed, Palin’s rise was an important waypoint on the journey that brought America to the Trump era, and tribute acts like Greene and Cawthorn. By today’s standards, the “going rogue” brand pushed by the no-nonsense hockey mom from Walisa seems positively wholesome. And to revisit the outrage it generated feels a bit like watching those clips of Fifties prudes panicked about the damage Elvis Presley’s gyrating hips might be doing to teenage girls’ minds.
** Oliver Wiseman, in an article entotled &quot;Have the Republicans gone too far?,Sarah Palin has a lesson for outrage-hunting politicians&quot;,  as published  in  {{w|UnHerd}}'s April 7, 2022 edition. 

* He was a mild tempered, quiet, nice guy who treated everyone the same. I once overheard one of Elvis' friends at the time ask Elvis 'Why do you call him 'mister' -- he's just a black barbecue guy?' Elvis looked at him and said 'He's a man'. 'That', Withers says, 'Was the humility in his temperament'. 'Elvis was a great man and did more for civil rights than people know.
** {{w|Ernest Withers}}, African American photo journalist.

* Once when we'd been in the field for two months, the Company Commander asked us all to clean up. Elvis didn't quite make it into the barracks without being spotted by some cleaning women. They followed him upstairs right into the shower-room and a bunch of guys from privates all the way up to the Colonels joined the parade too. Right when he was taking a shower, people were shoving pieces of paper under the water for him to sign. He was laughing about it but he never could get away from people..
** Lonnie Wolfe, 17 year old who ran away from home to join the US Army and ended up being deployed to the {{w|3rd Armored Division (United States)|3rd Armored Division}}, as told to ElivisinAustralia in an interview dated February 10, 2018.

* That boy made his pull from the blues, and if he stopped, he stopped, but he made his pull from there..
** {{w|Howling Wolf}}, as published in [http://www.elvis.net/whattheysay/theysayframe.html Elvis.net]

* It was like an EARTHQUAKE!!! In my neighborhood the whole place was shakin' when he came on. And I said how can a person possess that kind of power that it even comes off the tv and grabs me in this ghetto neighborhood? Back in those days if it was a white artist doing some of our music many would say &quot;Well, they don't like our blacks so we don't like their singers either. They're nothing but copy-cats anyway.' But with Elvis we ALL were going crazy over him. And I said 'Man, this cat's really got something!&quot;
** {{w|Bobby Womack}}, singer-songwriter, musician, producer, instrumentalist, sideman in the Gospel, R&amp;B, soul, rock and roll, doo-wop, funk, soul blues, rock and jazz categories, as noted in the documentary The Echo will never die.

* That September, Presley would make his legendary inaugural appearance on &quot;The Ed Sullivan Show,&quot; singing a sultry version of &quot;Hound Dog&quot; with his swinging hips in all their vulgar, gyrating splendor. During a later appearance in January 1957, the variety show would famously edit the King from the waist down in order to protect impressionable young television viewers from his brazen sexuality. But then, it was far too late. America had a full-on dose of Elvismania, and there was nary a cure in sight.
** {{w|Kenneth Womack}}, in an article entitled &quot;Shelter in place with &quot;Elvis Presley,&quot; a foundational classic rock album&quot; as published in Salon's May 30, 2020 edition.

* In essence, because at that time the backward mental capability that many people had of judging a person because of their skin color,and it does still exist, but back then it was even worse, BUT because he actually was a Caucasian brother, Elvis was able to do away with all that thinking towards music.
** {{w|Stevie Wonder}}, Soul, Funk and R&amp;B prolific singer/songwriter,as quoted on the documentary 'Elvis Presley &amp; The Black Community – That Echo Will Never Die'

* He really enjoyed doing the sessions  and worked harder than he had done in years..
** Bobby Wood, the   {{w|American Sound Studio}}'s top   keyboardist and  a menber of the Memphis Boys,  describing Elvis' feelings   during the January and February of 1969 recording  session which yielded, inter alia,    &quot;In the guetto&quot;, &quot;Suspicious Minds&quot;, &quot;Dont cry daddy&quot; and &quot;Kentucky Rain&quot;   and as taped in an interview held in November of  2005 by Joe Chambers, Director of Nashville's  {{w|Musicians Hall of Fame and Museum}}. 

* Every morning when I woke up and looked out the window, there were at least two hundred kids lined up on the sidewalk outside, staring at the house. Some of them would stay there all day long, just trying to get a glimpse of him. And when he would go out, he was very sweet to them. A lot of people I know would get angry, or impatient -- but Elvis was very nice to them, spent as much time with them as he could.
** Actress {{w|Natalie Wood}}, as published in quotes about education.com

* X-ray records felt like the real thing to (Soviet) rock-starved kids. When doing national service in Berlin, I came across a couple of bedraggled teenage Soviet soldiers who had just climbed over the fence. &quot;Why did you want to take this risk?&quot; I asked them, as they could so easily have been shot. ‘Because our officer won’t let us listen to Elvis Presley,’ one of them answered.
** Excerpted from the book &quot;How the Beatles rocked the Kremlin&quot;, by {{w|Leslie Woodhead}}, and as published by The Mail Online's 25 April, 2013' edition.

* You didn't make it before we came along, and if I wanted to back somebody, I would have picked somebody who can sing, like Elvis Presley.
** Drummer {{w|Mick Woodmansey}}'s way of telling David Bowie, with whom he then worked during the Spiders from Mars era, that they were not just a band, as he had suggested. From his autobiography published in October of 2016

* During the Louisiana Hayride in the mid-50s, my grandmother was in line to get a hamburger and Elvis Presley moseyed on up to her, small talked a bit and asked her out on a date. Being she was already with my grandpa, she declined, but for more than 60 years, she never let him forget it...
** Kimberly Wooten, account manager for Rally Marketing, telling the Daily Advertiser about her mother's loyalty to her dad, and how she held him accountable, in an article published on the Daily Advertiser on June 5, 2108

* There are some artists that appear to be a clear step ahead when it comes to intellectual property protection, Elvis Presley and 50 Cent being leagues ahead when it comes to portfolio size amongst the top ten artists which were made part of the study
** {{w|World Trademark Review}}'s assessment of advances made by Elvis Presley Enterprises vis-a-vis the so called Intellectual Property protection in an article entitled ̊&quot;From K-pop to Presley: inside the trademark portfolios of the music industry's biggest names&quot; as published on their March 21, 2019 edition.

* Elvis Presley, in the midst of his 1968 comeback special, admitted “I’ve got to do this sooner or later, I may as well do it now, baby”. He then launched into Hound Dog ( via Heartbreak Hotel), which was what everyone wanted. I can't help keep thinking that Theresa May should have taken inspiration from this.She had to confront her ERG Leaver wing at some point, why not sooner (baby)? What could May have won, if she'd confronted her strong Leavers back far ago in 2016? What if she'd challenged them to a showdown not in Christmas 2018 but the summer or autumn, say, of 2016?
** Ben Worthy, Lecturer in Politics at {{w|Birkbeck, University of London|Birkbeck College}}, in an article published by the Huff Post on December 3, 2018 and entitled &quot;What if Prime Minister {{w|Theresa May}} had confronted her Brexit wing sooner?

*  I remember on New Year’s Day of 2021 feeling, along with the ongoing uncertainty and lack of clear knowledge about the virus, a sense of hope. I also had no idea  that a fair number of people would decide not to get vaccinated.  I usually try not to judge people, but I grew up in a time when polio was at least as frightening as COVID has been the last couple of years. I remember a newspaper photo of Elvis Presley receiving his polio shot, an event that sent the vaccination rate into orbit all across the country. Elvis, for those who don’t remember, had just played the Ed Sullivan show and had something like a third of the entire nation watching. I’m pretty sure I was 12 when I saw the photo of Elvis getting his polio shot. I got my shot not so very long after that. Nobody took a picture of my shot, but having protection against polio sure gave my mom one fewer thing to fret over. I’m not much good at New Year’s resolutions. I decided in the coming year to simply try to stay safe and do everything I can to avoid putting anyone else at risk. That’s a resolution I think I can keep.
** Terry Woster, in a column published on January 1, 2022, in  the {{w|Mitchell Daily Republic}}

* Go into any Thai restaurant the world over and there will very likely be portraits and photos of King Bhumibol gazing down at diners with his benevolent smile, but one of the more common actually features him with Elvis Presley. The meeting came when lifelong music fan Bhumibol and his wife, Queen Sirikit, visited Hollywood’s Paramount Studios in 1960, while Elvis was filming G.I Blues. The king had been a fan of Presley for several years and was by then an accomplished saxophonist who later performed alongside jazz legend Lionel Hampton. In 1987, the late Hampton told the Thai magazine Sawasdee: “He is simply the coolest king in the land.”
** Adam Wright, for the South China Morning Post, in an article published the day following King Bhumidol's death, at age 88, on 14 October 2016.

* The Frank Lloyd Wright fans!! Undoubtedly. Why? Because they're on the side of Nature and the others are on the side of an artificiality that is doomed.
** Architect {{w|Frank Lloyd Wright}}'s nonsensical reply to Mike Wallace's question on which group of youth, the Lloyds Wright fans, counted at the most in the thousands, or Presley fans, counted in the tens of millions, did Lloyd Wright think were to &quot;inherit&quot; the country in 1972, in an interview which took place on January 9, 1957. He had less than 2 years to live.

* My father wanted me to be like him,  an Orthodox Jew. When I said I didn’t want to be, he said, ‘just don’t tell your children.’ I said, ‘you want me to pretend to be somebody I’m not?’ He said, ‘that’s exactly what I’m saying.’.  Anyways,  he was Elvis' proctologist, so on the day  I was supposed to meet him,  I  got into trouble and he didnt allow me to.  When Elvis died, my dad remembered him as a respectful Christian who helped Jews on the Sabbath....
** Steve Wruble, as published in  {{w|Broaadway World}}'s review of his one man show and as  published in its  May 6, 2022 edition. 

* The peak of peak attention can be assigned and exact  date: September  9, 1956, when Elvis Presley made his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, at CBS.  Its 82.6 percent share of viewers, out of a population roughly half of today' s,  has never been equaled  or bettered
**{{w|Tim Wu}}, as noted in his 2016  book &quot;The Attention Merchants: The Epic Scramble to Get Inside Our Heads&quot;
 
* He is rock's greatest presence, shaking a country with a single-handed nuclear reaction of country, gospel, and the blues.
** Rock critic Bill Wyman's laud of Elvis, who he ranked #4 in his list of the best and worst amongst the 214 members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as published in Hitsville on May 2, 2018

* Elvis was the kind of guy never looked past you, he looked right at you, was the warmest, most twinkling. He made you feel comfortable and at ease, which was amazing. He did not have any of that stuff where 'it's all about me'. He was a perfect gentleman. And he made you feel comfortable right away, at least he did with me. I'd go further and say that Elvis was clearly a guy with a rural or country attitude about life. He had that simple kinda point of view that said you stand up, you're polite to people. In spite of the money and the Cadillacs and all that, it was he and his pals, he never changed. And you could see that the minute he said hello to you. He was not a guy that would talk to you and look over your shoulder to see who else was in the room. Elvis Presley had a genuineness that was very noticeable and quite impressive the first time I met him. And Elaine and I went home really liking him and thinking 'what a terrific guy'. And everytime I saw him after that, he remembered everything, was always gracious and complimentary to people. It wasn't easy to get to see him, I mean, he had a very limited circle of friends. But when you did get in his company it was a real pleasure.
** {{w|Steve Wynn}}, businessman and art collector and according to Wikipedia, one of the top 100 most influential people in the world, in a 2009 interview.

* In examining how rock, soul and R&amp;B grew from the roots of gospel, our program on the Gospel Roots of Rock and Soul shall highlight such highly influential artists as {{w|Sam Cooke}} who transitioned from gospel to secular music {{w|Sister Rosetta Tharpe}} and her early rock stylings and Elvis Presley, who helped expose white audiences to gospel music. Examples of some of the most beloved contemporary pop music of the last 60 years from artists such as Aretha Franklin, Paul Simon, and Ray Charles illustrate gospel music's influence. Gospel Roots of Rock and Soul also features exclusive live performances recorded by WXPN within the last year from gospel groups The Fairfield Four, The McCrary Sisters, and The Dixie Hummingbirds.
** {{w|WXPN}}, the nationally recognized leader in Triple A radio, in an article published in wwwprwebcom̪s on January 15, 2019 edition.

== X ==

* Elvis Presley Atomic Player B612 has a weight of just 130 grams, plays music from tablets, phones and virtual service: Apple Music, QQ Music. It has a radio as well. The device is made of aluminum, with a supply battery which can be used remotely for seven hours. The energy accumulator takes place via MicroUSB. Demand for the device has grown increasingly....
** {{w|Xiaomi}}, the Chinese Corporation's description of the Elvis Presley Atomic Player, a set of their 2018 portable speakers,as published in The Silver Telegram's edition of August 26, 2018

== Y ==

* After marvelling at the large portions of food, thick steaks and TVs in our various Canadian hotel rooms, we actually spend much of our time watching cartoons. In fact, spent my $100 advance, meant to last me for three weeks, right away, mostly on new skates, some bubble gum and the latest Elvis Presley album.
** {{w|Alexander Yakushev}}, Twice Olympic and World ice hockey champion best known as the the player who scored most points for the Soviet Team that played Team Canada in the September 1972 {{w|Summit Series}}, in an article entitled &quot;Yakushev finds Fame, almost 50 years later&quot; as published in the Toronto Sun on November 9, 2018.

* My mother took me to see &quot;Jailhouse Rock&quot; when I was three. She loved Elvis. I guess I thought, like John Lennon, that that looked like a pretty good job. I bought my first Elvis record at seven. I got an old tennis racket and I'd go around the house playing it like a guitar, playing Elvis songs. I'd turn my collar up and do the lip sneer, the whole thing. I was a little boy being Elvis! I knew I was a little girl, but I was being myself. I never understood the gender difference, frankly. It never stopped me: I never thought, 'I'm a little girl, I can't do this.'
** Susan Yasinski, lead singer and founder of {{w|Susan and the Surftones}}, explaining what drew her to rock music, at an early age, as published by Curve, a lesbian magazine on 20 September 2016.

* I was always mesmerized by strong, pure, beautiful voices, (and) Elvis' voice, the emotion in it, was unbelievable; I'd never heard anything like it, and I was listening to my parents' records, like &quot;Heartbreak Hotel&quot; and all the ’50 s stuff, the real raw Elvis...and that's how I gravitated into Patsy Cline, Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris.
** {{w|Tricia Yearwood}} music superstar, telling Martin Bandyke of the Detroit Free Free Press who are her four biggest influences, as published in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette (27 May 2008).

* I first heard him in 1959, when I was 27. My favourite song of his is “Are You Lonesome Tonight, a 1961 song in which I found solace, by playing it over, and over, and over again during the weeks preceding and following the aborted 1991 coup against {{w|Mikhail Gorbachev}} .
** {{w|Boris Yeltsin}}, the Russian Federation's first President, as detailed in {{w|John Heileman}}'s article entitled &quot;Rouble without a cause&quot;, published in the 1991 Autumn edition of &quot;Modern Review&quot;(foreword, page 5)

* He was rock and roll's biggest star, and he also tested the boundaries of how an entertainer should behave on stage. Elvis had the whole package: the looks, voice, charisma--he had it all. I see so many videos on YouTube showing younger Elvis fans reacting to Elvis' music in a positive way. So, it shows you that Elvis' legacy and appeal continue to endure.
** {{w|Brandon Yip}} in his 2021 book Elvis Presley: ‘All Shook Up’ in Canada.

* Elvis had a brilliant ability to control the attack and ending of each note. If we listen the 1954 Sun Records recording of &quot;Blue Moon of Kentucky&quot; we can hear Elvis using a technique known as “glottal onset and offset” – in which the vocal folds in the larynx are closed at the start of a note and closed with extra emphasis at the end of the note – to achieve clarity of attack and an amazing rhythmic bounce in his vocal performance. That ability to drive the rhythm is also present in the 1963 hit &quot;Viva Las Vegas&quot; in which Elvis effortlessly accents the melody to give a rhythmic shape to each phrase.
** {{w|Adrian York}}, Senior Lecturer in Commercial Music Performance, University of Westminster, in an article entitled Elvis voice, like Mario Lanza singing the blues, and published on the Conversation on August 17, 2017.

* When the question was asked, in March of 2018, “Who do you think is the greatest rock star of all time?” it yielded these results: Elvis Presley 36%, Michael Jackson 21%, John Lennon 9%, Jimi Hendrix 7%, Mick Jagger, 5% Bruce Springsteen 4%, Others 5%, Not sure 13%.
** Results from a 2018 {{w|YouGov}} Ratings US poll, showing as they put it &quot;Presley’s admiration and fame still at the top&quot;, forty one years after his death and published in News Legit's online edition of August 16, 2018-

* I asked him what did Dr. King think of the celebrity participation in the movement. He said that Dr King welcomed it because it helped give the movement more attention. Then he added a bonus by including stories of two of my other favorite singers who tragically, like Dr. King, died young themselves. I was astonished when the name Elvis Presley came up. Contrary to what some people believe, I never thought Elvis was racist. I knew that Elvis grew up poor and was heavily influenced by Black musicians. I even heard stories from other people that Elvis admired Dr. King. What I didn't know was that Elvis and Dr. King talked occasionally on the phone. Elvis even contributed money through various channels that filtered to the civil rights movement. Charles Evers, the brother of slain civil rights leader Medgar Evers, confirmed this as well. When Dr. King was killed in Memphis, Elvis was said to not just have been upset about Dr. King's death, but he was even more hurt that it happened in his hometown and just a stone's throw away from his Graceland estate. Elvis even inquired about attending Dr. King's funeral in Atlanta, but was talked out of it by others citing that he may be a distraction; it would delay filming and increase budget costs (and other security concerns because nobody could be certain that a riot may break out at the funeral at the time. Instead Elvis watched the funeral from his on-location trailer. According to his co-star at the time Celeste Yarnell who watched the proceeding with Elvis in his trailer, Elvis &quot;felt a tremendous brotherhood with the black community because he grew up poor and he knew what it was like to live in poverty.He was also proud that many blacks embraced him as one of their own.
** About {{w|Andrew Young|Andy Young}}'s knowledge on the thus far secret relationship between Dr. MLK Jr. and Elvis, as told by him to African American music critic Gary Butler, during a 2018 Q&amp;A session with Andrew Young.

* I'm like Elvis Presley out here. I’m Swaggy Presley.
** {{w|Nick Young (basketball)|Nick Young}}, reacting after the Pepsi Center embraced him in a manner bordering on hysterical, as he was Elvis at The Ed Sullivan Show, and as reported on BSN dwebver on December 16, 2018.

== Z ==

* Her voice was optimism shaded with occasional sorrow, joy tempered by the understanding that nothing in life can be perfect, but above all it was a sound that both absorbed and radiated light. To hear it is to feel bathed in that light. She died on Thursday at age 76, and her death closes an era. She belongs not just in the pantheon of great soul singers, but in the realm of great artists period: John Coltrane, Elvis, the Beatles, Billie Holiday—with them, she helped give shape to the second half of the 20th century.
** {{w|Stephanie Zacharek}}, Pulitzer Prize winner, writing her eulogy of singer Aretha Franklin, for TIME, on the day of her death, August 16, 2018.

* He was the son of Afghanistan’s former prime minister, a prolific recording artist and a music idol for the masses. His music drew from Persian poetry as well as Indian classical styles, and it increasingly revealed a political edge, criticising the Soviet-backed Marxist regime who had seized power in Afghanistan following a 1978 military coup. There is some dream-like footage online of a 1970s gig at Kabul’s Intercontinental Hotel, showing an energetic figure leading a multi-instrumental band. The performer’s hip looks (dark quiff and sideburns; loosened tie) and rollicking, psych-roots grooves reflect the ‘Afghan Elvis’ nickname he earned.
** About {{w|Ahmad Zahir}}, whose life and still unaccounted death is being celebrated with a 2018 documentary as published in the BBC's December 7, 2018 edition.

* Some of those we have lost in 2019ː Elvis Presley (singer, actor, 84), perpetrator of the finest prank in history and of two of the best comeback concerts ever seen...
** British comedian {{w|Andy Zaltzman}}'s zany interpretation of what would have happened if Elvis had not died in 1977 but in 2019, as published in the iNews The Essential Daily Briefing Register for December 25, 2018.

* This is the mysterious part about music, the people who mean it, like Elvis, are generally the ones who are processing some kind of loss, and we connect to it.
** {{w|Warren Zanes}}, musician and writer, as laid out in the notes for the 2018 HBO three hour documentary he directed and entitled &quot;Elvis Presley: The Searcher&quot;

* Elvis has just left the building, Those are his footprints, right there, Elvis has just left the building, To climb up that heavenly stair
** {{w|Frank Zappa}} from his 1988 album &quot;Broadway the hard Way&quot;

* Can't you just imagine digging up the King? Begging him to sing?.
** {{w|Warren Zevon}}, rock singer-songwriter and musician, in his song, &quot;Jesus Mentioned&quot;.

* He is the Elvis of cultural  theory
** About {{w|Slavoj Žižek}}, as noted in the International Journal of Žižek Studies, 2011 Facebook page.   

* Elvis' 1969 opening night in Las Vegas was his first time back on a live stage in more than eight years, playing the biggest showroom in the biggest hotel and drawing more people for his four-week engagement than any other show in Las Vegas history. His performance got rave reviews, “Suspicious Minds” gave him his first number-one hit in seven years, and Elvis became Vegas's biggest star. Over the next seven years, he performed more than 650 shows there, and sold out every one. Las Vegas was changed too. The intimate night-club-style shows of the Rat Pack, who made Vegas the nation's premier live-entertainment center in the 1950s and ‘60s, catered largely to well-heeled older gamblers. Elvis brought a new kind of experience: an over-the-top, rock-concert-like extravaganza, setting a new bar for Las Vegas performers, with the biggest salary, the biggest musical production, and the biggest promotion campaign the city had ever seen. In doing so, he opened the door to a new generation of pop/rock performers, and brought a new audience to Las Vegas—a mass audience from Middle America that the city depends on for its success to this day.
** {{w|Richard Zoglin}} in his 2019 book &quot;Elvis in Vegas: How the King of Rock 'n' Roll Reinvented the Las Vegas Show&quot;:

* What was the Strip like back then, or what was it like to see Elvis Presley.....
** {{w|Lynn Zook}}, in her book Classic Las Vegas: A look back at the city 1956–1973

* I knew him when he was a kid. He used to play the guitar and go around with quartets and to Negro ‘sanctified’ meetings. He lived near the colored section, and people around here say he's one of the nicest boys they ever knew. He just doesn't impress me as the type of person who would say a thing like that.
** W.A. Zuber, an African American, as told to reporter Louis Robinson and quoted in the latter's article debunking the rumor that Elvis was a racist, as published in Jet magazine's issue of August 1, 1957

* No, many thanks but I am just a tourist here and prefer no photos are taken.
** {{w|Mark Zuckerberg}}'s reply to Rhonda Lamb, in charge of the tour operation and management around Elvis' Tupelo Birthplace and Museum, when she asked him whether he would like to appear as part of the usual group photos, as noted in the October 2, 2017, edition of the Clarion Ledger.

* I shall always regret not having seen Elvis Presley live...
** Canadian politician {{w|Gene Zwozdesky}}, answering the Edmonton's Star question on what would it be a concert he would have liked to attend, as published in that newspaper on 20 August, 2016.

* Our childhood housekeeper kept us supplied with a handwritten list of records. And when our mom would go out shopping and say, “Kids, can I get you something?,” we'd say, “You going by the record store? Here’s the list.” And sure enough, it was Jimmy Reed. It was Larry Williams. It was Ray Charles. All the good stuff. My sister and I played the sides off of those records. We'd turn those 45 rpm singles white. And I remember my mom taking us to see Elvis Presley and that kind of did it ... we had the music bug. And then my father took me down to a recording session at ACA, that was Bill Holford's place. And he put me in a chair and he said, “I’ll be in the office if you need me. Stick around because there are some musicians gonna make a recording session.” And I was kind of enjoying it, and who should walk in but B.B. King and his band. So between seeing Elvis and watching B.B. King record, it was carved in stone.
** {{w|ZZ Top}}' Billy F.Gibbons for Texas Monthly's January 7, 2019 edition.

== See also ==
* [[Elvis Presley]]
* [[Quotes about Elvis Presley (A–L)]]
 
[[Category:Rock and roll]]
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[[Category:Rockabilly]]
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      <text bytes="282329" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That's no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

:* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
:*m {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

:* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
::* ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed 'a liberal George Wallace' (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

:* I do not buy the concept, popular in the '[[1960s|60s]], which said, 'We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.' I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
::* From {{citation|date=1975-09-13|title= An Interview With Joe Biden|author= Joe Farley|url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

:* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
::* [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

----

{{Longquote|
I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has.

There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.

[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case.

To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;

I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].

I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
}}
::* {{cite web|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden|first=Joe|last=Farley|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

----

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-14|title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism|author=Robert Mackey|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

:* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
::* Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-07-23|title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular|author=Beth Baumann|periodical=Town Hall|url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}*{{better source needed}}
:::* *Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote

:* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn't matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
::* As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup 1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti (27 April 2021), [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'']

----

{{Longquote|
When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you're doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them — money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is: if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.

When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time.

Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
}}
::* Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation|date=2019-05-20|title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans' Benefits|author=Walker Bragman|periodical=Paste Magazine|url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

----

{{Longquote|
You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.

But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
}}
::* To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

----

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-10-15|title=Joe Biden's Iraq problem|author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can't imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden's Record on Iraq War (February 5, 2003), [[w:FactCheck.org|''FactCheck.org'']]]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart'' (July 28, 2004)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-06-14|title=Joe Biden says he does not view 'abortion as a choice and a right' in unearthed video|author=Clark Mindock|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-05-10|title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico|author=Andrew Kaczynski|periodical=CNN Politics|url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news|url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html|title = Biden Say What?|publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN|date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]|accessdate = 2008-08-22}}{{dead link}}

==== 2007 ====

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about.

John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, 'I want us out of there,' but when you come back and you say, 'O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?'

Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John?

How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn?

Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period?

So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
}}}}
::* Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

----

{{Longquote|
I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America's leadership in the world and change our priorities.

I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.

I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
}}
::* [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

----

:* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
::* Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

:* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
:* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
:* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
::* {{citation|url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/|title = Biden officially running for president|periodical = NBC News|date = 2007-01-31|accessdate = 2007-02-01}}

:* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.
::* Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
::* {{cite news|url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html|title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards|publisher = The New York Observer|date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]|accessdate = 2007-02-01}}

===== Rudy Giuliani =====

:* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
::* Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news|url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html|title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden|publisher = People Magazine|date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]|accessdate = 2008-08-26}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don't know — if you don't, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what's happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news|url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3|title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks|publisher = PBS Newshour|date = 2010-11-08|accessdate = 2012-07-01}}
** {{cite news|url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html|title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks|publisher = PBS Newshour|date = 2010-11-08|accessdate = 2012-07-01}}
** {{cite news|url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel|title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group|publisher = CNN|date = 2010-11-07|accessdate = 2012-07-01}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word &quot;literally&quot;.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China's most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They're doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C. (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2012-06-20|title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth'|author=Talia Buford|periodical=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he's going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation|date=2012-08-14|title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains'|author=Jake Tapper|periodical=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation|date=2012-09-10|title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers|author=Alexandra Petri|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

----

{{Longquote|
It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?

So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.

[...]

And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.

Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.

[...]

I'm making the argument this way: There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
}}
:* [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

----

* You can't talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can't talk about the women's movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn't anything we legislatively did. It was '[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],' it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That's what changed peoples' attitudes. That's why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it's in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you've had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation|date=2013-05-21|title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage'|author=Jennifer Epstein|periodical=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation|date=2013-05-22|title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites|author=Jonathan Chait|periodical=Intelligencer|publisher=New York Magazine|url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants, not dribbling. '''Significant flows.''' (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers. [T]hat secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself. [A]n '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop. [W]e'll be an absolute minority — [which is] not a bad thing, source of our strength (2015).]]

:* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view — constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants, not dribbling. '''Significant flows.'''
::* 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

:* [W]e need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
::* 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

:* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
::* To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation|date=2014-07-28|title=The Biden Agenda|author=Evan Osnos|periodical=The New Yorker|url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

----

{{Longquote|
When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us.

'''But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well.''' We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again.

'''Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, {{red|because hell is where they will reside.}}'''
}}
::* Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation|date=2014-09-03|title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell|periodical=Crossmap|url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

----

==== 2015 ====

----

{{Longquote|
The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.

It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.

It started all the way back in the late 1700s.

There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.

Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.

He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?

He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.

I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now. I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy. From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.

I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.

There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Non stop, nonstop.

Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.

Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock.

That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
}}
::* [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

----

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia's attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It's that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

----

{{Longquote|
This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. 

And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.

I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.

There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
}}
::* &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

----

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-05-07|title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had 'No Empathy' for the Plight of Younger People?|author=Dan MacGuill|periodical=Snopes.com|url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko|Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-10-09|title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden 'Confessing to Bribery'?|author=Bethania Palma|periodical=Snopes.com|url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/|accessdate=2020-03-12}} (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-04-26|title=Biden Says He's the Workers' Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security|author=Branko Marcetic|periodical=In These Times|url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-02-21|title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching'|author=Larry Elder|periodical=RealClearPolitics|url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html|accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn't understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation|date=2019-04-05|title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done'|author=Brett Samuels|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what's going on... Eight years of this and I think we'll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you'll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation|date=2019-05-22|title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will 'end NATO'|periodical=Miami Herald|url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it's all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-06-19|title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected|author=Igor Derysh|periodical=Salon|url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation|date=2019-08-09|title=Joe Biden Says 'Poor Kids' Are Just as Bright as 'White Kids'|author=Matt Stevens|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation|date=29 August 2019|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story|author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019|title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019|title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn|periodical=Fox News|url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation|url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president|title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president|author=Hanna Panreck|publisher=Fox News|date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation|date=22 November 2019|title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations|author=Jeanine Santucci|periodical=USA Today|url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don't Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don't always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that's the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn't have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an 'Old Friend' and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden's &quot;lying dog-faced pony soldier&quot; moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden's Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
:* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
::* Texas, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-02|title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop|author=Dominick Mastrangelo|periodical=Washington Examiner|url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

:* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
::* Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]
::* Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-13|title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans' guns'|author=Madlin Mekelburg|periodical=PolitiFact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

----

{{Longquote|
Lawrence O'Donnell: Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?

Joe Biden: I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now.

If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
}}
::* {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

----

:* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we've done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can't build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
::* Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-14|title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act|author=Jerry Lambe|periodical=Law &amp; Crime|url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

:* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
::* ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-24|title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse|author=Johnathan Jones|periodical=The Western Journal|url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

:* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents' ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What's it going to look like? 
::* [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-04-05|title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal'|author=Justine Coleman|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-04-16|title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not'|author=Jonathan Easley|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-15|title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me'|author=Elena Moore|periodical=Associated Press|url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation|date=2020-05-21|title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-22|title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain't black' if you're undecided over him vs. Trump|author=Nicholas Wu|periodical=USA TODAY|url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers 'in the leg instead of the heart'|periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}{{Better source needed}}

==== July 2020 ====

:* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
::* [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

----

{{Longquote|
There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.

Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren't pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing's a hoax. Nothing's a hoax about that. It's a very serious subject. 

I want clean air. I want clean water.

I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. 

The environment is very important to me.
}}

----

:* Quoted in {{citation|date=2020-07-14|url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/|title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda|author=Ebony Bowden|periodical=New York Post}}{{Better source needed}}

==== August 2020 ====
[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]

----

{{Longquote|
Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. '''These are images of Donald Trump's America today.'''

He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president.

He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, '''he is president whether he knows it or not.''' And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
}}
::* Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-08-31|title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order'|author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey|periodical=ABC News|url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

----

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it's estimated that 200 thousand people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]

* '''And, by the way, the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?'''
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (September 29, 2020), ''Rev'']

* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** Referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call.
*** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html Biden's trip to Wisconsin (September 3, 2020), ''[[w:CNN|CNN]]'']

==== October 2020 ====

----

{{Longquote|
220,000 deaths.
If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:
: '''Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.'''
}}
:* 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
::* as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

----

==== November 2020 ====

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. '''We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.'''

So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It's the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me.

Now, every vote must be counted. No one's going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America's come too far. America's fought too many battles. America's endured too much to ever let that happen.

'''We the people will not be silenced.'''

'''We the people will not be bullied.'''

'''We the people will not surrender.'''

My friends, I'm confident we'll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. '''It'll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America.

God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
}}}}

** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

----

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
'''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken.

They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; '''

We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million.

I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me.

I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify.

Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States.

And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.

For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.

I sought this office to restore the soul of America.

To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class.

To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home.

It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision.

And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.'''

Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural. Gay, straight, transgender. White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours.

'''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.'''

And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight.

I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.

'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans. 

The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. 

This is the time to heal in America.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.'''

 The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot.

'''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did.

Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now.

The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make.

And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate.

That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me.

The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.

Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long.

We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

}}

----

{{Longquote|
We stand again at an inflection point.

We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose.

We can do it. I know we can. 

'''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America.

We must restore the soul of America.

Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses.

It is time for our better angels to prevail.
Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be.

A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed.

 The United States of America.'''

God bless you.

And may God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, &quot;Joey, I don't expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren't looking for a handout — they just need help. They're in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don't think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they've already labeled us as being 'defund the police' anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That's how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we're talking about defunding the police. We're not. We're talking about holding them accountable. We're talking about giving them money to do the right things. We're talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We're talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it's no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer. And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there. And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall. But we want to make — look, that's — I want to repeat: It'll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Remarks by President Biden at Signing of an Executive Order on Racial Equity =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-on-racial-equity/ Remarks by President Biden at Signing of an Executive Order on Racial Equity (January 26, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We have never fully lived up to the founding principles of this nation, to state the obvious, that all people are created equal and have a right to be treated equally throughout their lives. '''And it's time to act now, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because if we do, we'll all be better off for it.'''

:* Housing is a right in America, and homeownership is an essential tool to wealth creation and to be passed down to generations.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
In my campaign for President, I made it very clear that the moment had arrived as a nation where we face deep racial inequities in America and system — systemic racism that has plagued our nation for far, far too long.

I said it over the course of the past year that the blinders had been taken come off the nation of the [[America|American people]]. What many [[America|Americans]] didn't see, or had simply refused to see, couldn't be ignored any longer.

'''Those 8 minutes and 46 seconds that took George Floyd's life opened the eyes of millions of Americans and millions of people around — all over the world. It was the knee on the neck of justice, and it wouldn't be forgotten. It stirred the conscience of tens of millions of Americans, and, in my view, it marked a turning point in this country's attitude toward racial justice.'''

When his six-years-old — six-year-old daughter, Gianna, who I met with when I met with the family — I leaned down to say hi to her, and she said — looked at me, and she said, &quot;Daddy changed the world.&quot; That's what Gianna said — his daughter. &quot;Daddy changed the world.&quot; And I believe she is right, not because this kind of injustice stopped — it clearly hasn't — but because the ground has shifted, because it's changed minds and mindsets, because it laid the groundwork for progress.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
Across nearly every faith, the same principles hold:
: '''We're all God's children; we should treat each other as we would like to be treated ourselves.'''

And this is time to act — and this time to act is because it's what the core values of this nation call us to do. And I believe the vast majority of Americans — Democrats, Republicans, and independents — share these values and want us to act as well.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
For too long, we've allowed a narrow, cramped view of the promise of this nation to fester.

You know, we've — we've bought the view that America is a zero-sum game in many cases: &quot;If you succeed, I fail.&quot; &quot;If you get ahead, I fall behind.&quot; &quot;If you get the job, I lose mine.&quot; [And m]aybe worst of all, &quot;If I hold you down, I lift myself up.&quot;

We've lost sight of what President Kennedy told us when he said, &quot;A rising tide lifts all boats.&quot; And when we lift each other up, we're all lifted up.

You know, and the corollary is true as well:
: '''When any one of us is held down, we're all held back.'''

More and more economic studies in recent years have proven this, but I don't think you need economic studies to see the truth.

Just imagine if instead of consigning millions of American children to under-resourced schools, we gave each and every three and four-year-old child a chance to learn, to go to school — not daycare, school — and grow and thrive in school and throughout. When they've done that — the places it's been done, it shows they have an exponentially greater chance of going all the way through 12 years of school and doing it well.

But, you know, does anyone — does anyone in this whole nation think we're not all better off if that were to happen?

* Just imagine if instead of denying millions of Americans the ability to own a home and build generational wealth — who made it possible for them buy a home, their first home — and begin to build equity to provide for their families and send their children off to school, does anyone doubt that the whole nation will be better off?

* Just imagine: Instead of denying millions of young entrepreneurs the ability to access capital, we made it possible to take their dream to market, create jobs, reinvest in their own communities. Does anyone doubt this whole nation wouldn't be better off?

* Just imagine if more incredibly creative and innovative — how much more creative and innovative we'd be if this nation held — held the historic black colleges and universities to the same opportunities — and minority-serving institutions — that had the same funding and resources of public universities to compete for jobs and industries of the future. You know, just ask the first HBCU graduate elected as Vice President if that's not true.

But to do this, I believe this nation and this government need to change their whole approach to the issue of racial equity. Yes, we need criminal justice reform, but that isn't nearly enough. We need to open the promise of America to every American. And that means we need to make the issue of racial equity not just an issue for any one department of government; it has to be the business of the whole of government.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[T]he simple truth is, our soul will be troubled as long as systemic racism is allowed to persist. We can't eliminate it if — it's not going to be overnight. '''We can't eliminate everything.'''

But it's corrosive, it's destructive, and it's costly. '''It costs every American, not just who have felt the sting of racial injustice. We are not just a nation of morally deprived because of systemic racism; we're also less prosperous, we're less successful, we're less secure.'''

So, we must change, and I know it's going to take time. But I know we can do it. And I firmly believe the nation is ready to change, but government has to change as well.

'''We need to make equity and justice part of what we do every day — today, tomorrow, and every day.'''
}}

----

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====
: &lt;small&gt;[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve.

Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy.

The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.

We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
}}}}
::* As quoted by [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states &quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States (January 20, 2021), ''[[w:Common Dreams|Common Dreams]]'']

::* [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video &quot;This is democracy's day&quot;: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video (January 20, 2021), ''[[w:Guardian Media Group|The Guardian]]'']

----

{{Longquote|
[T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union.

This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.

We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain.

Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, &quot;if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.&quot; &quot;My whole soul is in it.&quot; Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.

Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days.

I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.

The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity.

We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors.

We can treat each other with dignity and respect.

We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.

For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.

And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation.

I understand they worry about their jobs.

'''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''

But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts.

If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, &quot;weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.&quot; We will get through this together. Together.

Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.

: ''America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges.''

And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

}}

----

{{Longquote|
Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.

Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear.

Of unity, not division.

Of light, not darkness.

A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.

May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.

So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts.

May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.
}}

----

==== February 2021 ====

----

{{Longquote|
From coast to coast, we face so many diverse and complicated challenges, and yet, when I was Second Lady and in my travels across the country over the last few years, I’ve seen again and again that there is one challenge that unites us all. One thread of pain that runs through every community, North and South, rich and poor, in the best of times and the depths of this pandemic:
{{center|'''Cancer.'''}}

The first time I heard the diagnosis for someone I loved, I was in my early 40s. And the year it happened, not one, but four of my friends found out they had breast cancer.

'''Cancer took the lives of both my parents.'''

My sister had to have an auto-stem cell transplant.

'''And then there was our son.'''

'''Cancer touches us all. And because of that, your work touches us all.'''
}}

::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/04/remarks-as-prepared-for-delivery-by-first-lady-jill-biden-in-a-virtual-visit-to-the-national-cancer-institute-on-world-cancer-day/ Remarks as Prepared for Delivery by First Lady Jill Biden in a Virtual Visit to the National Cancer Institute on World Cancer Day (February 4, 2021)]

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on America's Place in the World =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-americas-place-in-the-world/ Remarks by President Biden on America's Place in the World (February 4, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* And, by the way, I want you all to know in the press I was the Benjamin Franklin Professor of Presidential Politics at Penn. And I thought they did that because I was as old as he was, but I guess not.{{Humor inline}}

===== Remarks by President Biden on the More Than 500,000 American Lives Lost to COVID-⁠19 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-more-than-500000-american-lives-lost-to-covid-19/ Remarks by President Biden on the More Than 500,000 American Lives Lost to COVID-⁠19 (February 22, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We often hear people described as &quot;ordinary Americans.&quot; There's no such thing; '''there's nothing ordinary about them. The people we lost were extraordinary.''' They spanned generations. Born in America. Immigrated to America. But just like that, so many of them took final breath alone in America.

----

{{Longquote|
Each day, I receive a small card in my pocket that I carry with me in my schedule. It shows the number of Americans who have been infected by or died from COVID-19.

Today, we mark a truly grim, heartbreaking milestone: 500,071 dead. That's more Americans who have died in one year in this pandemic than in World War One, World War Two, and the Vietnam War combined. 

'''That's more lives lost to this virus than any other nation on Earth.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
But as we acknowledge the scale of this mass death in America, we remember each person and the life they lived.

'''They're people we knew. They're people we feel like we knew.'''

Read the obituaries and remembrances:
: The son who called his mom every night just to check in.
: The father's daughter who lit up his world.
: The best friend who was always there.
: The nurse — the nurse and nurses — but the nurse who made her patients want to live.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America. And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

:* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary. The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

:* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first. I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach. As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year. I'm the first President in 40 years, I'm told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone. So I know what it's like. Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

:* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

:* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world. You're warriors. The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity. And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

:* I've said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent. '''The 99 percent of us owe you. We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm's way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You're incredible heroes and incredible patriots. I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you. I will never disrespect you. I will never politicize the work you do. That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

:* It's on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused. This is an organization that's defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

:* I know this is the honor of my lifetime. The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

----

{{Longquote|
February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out.

Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality. 

From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army. 
}}

----

==== March 2021 ====

* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren't just shattered dreams, they're warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month's job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow. We can't afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There's no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn't seen since the Civil Rights era in the '60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs. Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Way Forward in Afghanistan =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/14/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-way-forward-in-afghanistan/ Remarks by President Biden on the Way Forward in Afghanistan (April, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
I believed that our presence in Afghanistan should be focused on the reason we went in the first place: to ensure Afghanistan would not be used as a base from which to attack our homeland again. '''We did that. We accomplished that objective.'''

I said, among — with others, we'd follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell if need be. That's exactly what we did, and we got him. It took us close to 10 years to put President Obama's commitment to — into form. And that's exactly what happened; Osama bin Laden was gone.

'''That was 10 years ago. Think about that. We delivered justice to bin Laden a decade ago''', and we've stayed in Afghanistan for a decade since. Since then, our reasons for remaining in Afghanistan are becoming increasingly unclear, even as the terrorist threat that we went to fight evolved.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Russia =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/15/remarks-by-president-biden-on-russia/ Remarks by President Biden on Russia (April 15, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Russia[ns] and Americans are both proud and patriotic people. And I believe the Russian people, like the American people, are invested in peaceful and a secure future of our world.

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can't imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what's happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I'm especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she's nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on a Future Made in America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/18/remarks-by-president-biden-on-a-future-made-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on a Future Made in America (May 18, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* My name is Joe Biden and I'm a car guy.

:* I want to say something else up front: I'm standing here because, about 180 years ago, when I first got elected to the Senate, the UAW elected me.

:* It's not labor; it's union. Because what you allow people do is hold their heads up, make a decent living, and have pride in what they do — pride in what you build, pride in what you give this nation.

----

{{Longquote|
Look, the future of the auto industry is electric. '''There's no turning back.''' And as Rory says, &quot;The American auto industry is at a crossroads.&quot;

And the real question is whether we'll lead or we'll fall behind in the race to the future; or whether we'll build these vehicles and the batteries that go in them here in the United States or rely on other countries; or whether the jobs to build these vehicles and batteries, that are good-paying union jobs with benefits — jobs that will sustain and grow the middle class. 

Right now, China is leading in this race. Make no bones about it; it's a fact.
}}

----

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn't buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — &quot;the blood of patriots,&quot; you know, and all the stuff about how we're going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What's happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear. Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices. That won't increase inflation. It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan. And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/ Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban? No. But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there's going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there's going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I'm sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history. Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Capitalism without competition isn't capitalism; it's exploitation.

----

{{Longquote|
We're now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power.

And what have we gotten from it?

: '''Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses.'''

'''Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The heart of American capitalism is a simple idea: '''open and fair competition''' — that means that if your companies want to win your business, they have to go out and they have to up their game; better prices and services; new ideas and products. 

That competition keeps the economy moving and keeps it growing.

'''Fair competition is why capitalism has been the world's greatest force for prosperity and growth.'''
}}

----

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out; beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We're going to start mid-September, but we're considering the advice you've given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript (31 August 2021), ''Rev.com'']&lt;/small&gt;
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 Video coverage (31 August 2021), ''[[w:CNBC|CNBC]]'', ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'']&lt;/small&gt;

:* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don't take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

----

{{Longquote|
'''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.'''

We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. '''No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today.'''

The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. '''Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy.'''

Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban.

'''That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that's what we did.'''

So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies.

As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport.

As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that's what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March.

After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives.

My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban's top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan.

By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it's strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration's agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn't attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren't leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. '''That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm's way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means.

In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. '''We're far from done.'''
}}

----

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We're going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I'm looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn't this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we'd begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don't we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we've been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That's because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America's homeland and our friends, and that's true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it's changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don't need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what's called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We've shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That's what's in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here's a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We're engaged in a serious competition with China. We're dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We're confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America's competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there's nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we've got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we'll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It's about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan's history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We'll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we'll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We'll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We'll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I've been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I'm the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I've honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America's sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

----

{{Longquote|
After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades.

Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That's still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?

I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.

[...]

And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I've traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service.

After 20,744 American service men and women injured.

And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan.

We've been a nation too long at war.

If you're 20 years old today, you've never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs.

I don't think enough people understand how much we've asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell.

'''Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families''', missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress.

We see it in the struggles many have when they come home.

We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers.

We see it in the strain in their families when they're not there.

We see it in the grief born by their survivors.

'''The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives.''' Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America.

'''Not in a far off place, but right here in America.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war.

'''It's time to end the war in Afghanistan.'''

As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it's time to look at the future, not the past.

To a future that's safer, to a future that's more secure.

To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot;

I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== September 2021 ====

:* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
:* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
::* [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it's 'part of a national agenda' (September 1, 2021)]

:* Look, I don't want to punish anyone's success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
:* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
::* [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/ Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

:* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I'll never raise your taxes one cent, but, I'm going to make those at the top start to pay their share. '''It's only fair.'''
::* [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 Via ''[[Twitter]]'' (September 26, 2021)]

----

{{Longquote|
It's my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]].

We've lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence.

We're mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background.
}}
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

----

===== Remarks by President Biden While Receiving a COVID-⁠19 Booster Shot =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/27/remarks-by-president-biden-while-receiving-a-covid-19-booster-shot/ Remarks by President Biden While Receiving a COVID-⁠19 Booster Shot (September 27, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Now, I know it doesn't look like it, but I am over 65.

:* [L]et me be clear: Boosters are important, but the most important thing we need to do is get more people vaccinated.

----

{{Longquote|
'''The vast majority of Americans are doing the right thing.'''

Over 77 percent of adults have gotten at least one shot.

About 23 percent haven't gotten any shots, and that distinct minority is causing an awful lot of us an awful lot of damage for the rest of the country.

'''This is a pandemic of the unvaccinated.''' That's why I'm moving forward with vaccination requirements wherever I can.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
We know that to beat this pandemic and to save lives, to keep our children safe, our schools open, our economy going, we need to get folks vaccinated.

So, please — please do the right thing.

'''Please get the shots.'''

[I]t can save your life. '''It can save the lives of those around you.'''

And it's easy, accessible, and it's free.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Economy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/16/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-4/ Remarks by President Biden on the Economy (September 16, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* That isn’t about raising their taxes. It’s about the super-wealthy finally beginning to pay what they owe — what the existing tax code calls for — just like hardworking Americans do all over this country every Tax Day.

:* Let’s not look backward, just trying to rebuild what we had. Let’s look forward, together, as one America — '''not to build back, but to build back better.'''

----

{{Longquote|
And I’ve said many times before: I believe we’re at an inflection point in this country — '''one of those moments where the decisions we’re about to make can change — literally change the trajectory of our nation for years and possibly decades to come.'''
 
Each inflection point in this nation’s history represents a fundamental choice. I believe that America, at this moment, is facing such a choice. And the choice is this: '''Are we going to continue with an economy where the overwhelming share of the benefits go to big corporations and the very wealthy? Or are we going to take this moment right now to set this country on a new path — one that invests in this nation; creates real, sustained economic growth; and that benefits everyone, including working people and middle-class folks?'''
 
That’s something we haven’t realized in this country for decades.
 
The data is absolutely clear. '''Over the past 40 years, the wealthy have gotten wealthier''', and too many corporations have lost their sense of responsibility to their workers, their communities, and the country.
 
'''Just look at the facts. CEOs used to make about 20 times the average worker in the company that they ran. Today, they make more than 350 times what the average worker in their corporation makes.'''
 
Since the pandemic began, billionaires have seen their wealth go up by $1.8 trillion. That is, everyone who was a billionaire before the pandemic began, '''the total accumulated wealth beyond the billions they already had has gone up by $1.8 trillion. Simply not fair.'''
 
[H]ow is it possible that 55 of the largest corporations in this country paid zero dollars in federal income taxes? They made over $40 billion in the year 2020, and they’ve paid zero. '''Think about that. Zero dollars in federal taxes on $40 billion in profits.'''
 
'''How is it possible that the wealthiest billionaires in the country can entirely escape paying income tax on what they’ve made?'''
 
'''How is it possible for millionaires and billionaires that can pay a lower rate of tax than teachers, firefighters, or law enforcement officers?'''
 
Here’s the simple truth. '''For a long time, this economy has worked great for those at the very top, while ordinary, hardworking Americans — the people who built this country — have been basically cut out of the deal.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Our recovery is unique in the world. We’re the only developed country in the world whose economy is now bigger than it was before the pandemic.
 
While this is all good news, I know many Americans are still struggling to make it through each and every day.
 
For too many, it’s harder and harder to pay the bills — food, gas, rent, healthcare. '''I get it.''' We still have a long way to go to get the economy where it needs to be.
 
As I’ve said for a long time: Coming out of this economic crisis as deep as the one we were in was never going to be easy. '''But we’re doing it, and we can continue to do it.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[I]n the midst of a pandemic that has already taken over 660,000 lives, I propose a requirement for COVID vaccines, and the governor of that state calls it, quote, '''a &quot;tyrannical-type move&quot;!? A &quot;tyrannical-type move&quot;!?'''
 
This is the worst kind of politics because it’s putting '''the lives of citizens of their states, especially children, at risk. And I refuse to give in to it.'''
 
These policies are what the science tells us we need to do. '''They’re going to save lives.''' And they’ll protect our economic recovery as well, and allow the economy to continue to grow.
}}

----

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[w:disagreement|disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what's happening, we're actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn't seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. [And t]hat's got to change.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 Via ''[[Twitter]]'' (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Need to Raise the Debt Ceiling =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/06/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-need-to-raise-the-debt-ceiling-2/ Remarks by President Biden on the Need to Raise the Debt Ceiling (October 6, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We haven't failed to do that since our inception as a country. '''We need to act.''' These leaders know the need to act.

:* It's about paying for what we owe and preventing a catastrophic event occurring in our economy.

:* '''Today's discussion won't be partisan. It shouldn't be.''' Raising the debt limit is usually bipartisan.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
The United States pays its bill. It's who we are. It's who we've been. It's who we're going to continue to be, God willing. That's what's called the &quot;full faith and credit of the United States.&quot;
 
Let's be clear: Raising the debt limit is paying our old debts.

'''It has nothing to do with new spending or what may be coming this year or other years.'''

It has nothing to do with my plans on infrastructure or building back better, both of which are paid for but they're not even in — in the queue right now.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
The definition — and the Democrats, we have the votes.

The Democrats are willing to step up and stop this economic catastrophe if Senate Republicans will just get out of the way. But our Senate Republicans friends are planning to block the vote to raise the debt limit by using a procedural power called a &quot;filibuster.&quot;
 
To say that in plain English, it means you have to have 60 votes when there's a filibuster.

'''Sixty votes — a supermajority –- instead of fifty to get anything done. It's not right, and it's dangerous.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
My Republican friends need to stop playing Russian roulette with the U.S. economy.

If they don't want to do the job, just get out of the way.

We'll take the heat.

'''We'll do it.'''

'''We will do it.'''

Let us do it. Let the Democrats vote to raise the debt limit without obstruction or any further delays.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Now, in one cynical, destructive, partisan ploy — just for politics — our Republican friends are teetering on the brink here.

They're threatening to boot that all away.

Now it's a meteor headed to crash into our economy.

We should all want to stop it — stop it immediately.

'''This shouldn't be partisan.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Anyway, there are five quick points I want to make:

* Number one is really a morality point: We all teach our children that we're supposed to meet our obligations. I don't think the nation should be any different.
 
* Number two, we should never even get this close.

: There are huge economic costs already being borne by companies and lawyers trying to figure out what this means if something like this ever happens.

: It's already affecting the stock market, et cetera, as you've heard from some of the folks here.
 
* Number three, we should get rid of the debt ceiling. We don't need to have this kind of brinkmanship every couple of years.
 
* Number four, an actual default — an actual default would be unprecedented.

: [T]he things we know that it would do are very bad. And it could be potentially far worse. The effects would be cascading. So, day one would be bad, but the cascading effects in the ensuing weeks could go anywhere from a recession to a complete catastrophe for the global economy.

: And I don't know why anyone would take a chance like that.
 
* And number five, America's role in the world is essential.

: '''We are the bedrock — the American Treasury is the bedrock. Our credibility, it — we're being watched right now by our allies and, unfortunately, our enemies.''' Our credibility is absolutely essential. Trust in America and the U.S. dollar and the financial system is critical to the world economy and eventually, actually, world peace.&lt;br&gt;

'''So this is a time I think we should show American competence, not American incompetence.'''
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Restoring Protections for National Monuments =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-restoring-protections-for-national-monuments/ Remarks by President Biden on Restoring Protections for National Monuments (October 8, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
When I was running for office — and I'm going to — I'm embarrassed I can't remember exactly which state I was in — but a gentleman and I think it was his wife and a little girl said, &quot;Could I...&quot; — the little girl said, &quot;Could I talk to you?&quot; And she had this — I couldn't tell — understand what she had in her hand; it looked it a teddy bear or something. And she said, &quot;Can I talk to you, Mister?&quot; She wasn't sure what to call me because I wasn't elected yet — &quot;Mr. President&quot; or &quot;Mr. Vice President.&quot; 

I said, &quot;Sure. What's the matter, honey?&quot; She said, &quot;I want to give you something. I want to give you some bears ears.&quot; And I looked at her. And she gave me this little set of bears ears. She said, &quot;You've got to promise me. You've got to promise me you'll protect the Bears Ears.&quot; And I'm thinking, &quot;What the heck is...&quot; I mean, at the time — I knew Bears Ears, but I just didn't quite get it. 

She said — and her dad said, &quot;You know, the national park.&quot; I said, &quot;Oh, yeah.&quot; She said — and she — one look, she said, &quot;You pwromise?&quot; &quot;You pwromise?&quot; And I pwromised. And it's easiest promise that I've made in a long time.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
Alaska is pretty big. There's an awful lot we need to protect. But that's why I'm working to protect Bristol Bay from mining operations that would threaten one of the world's largest salmon runs. 

That's why I'm refusing to sell out the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil and gas drilling.

These protections provide a bridge to our past, but they also build a bridge to a safer, more sustainable future — one where we strengthen our economy and pass on a healthy planet to our children and our grandchildren.
}}

----

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it's up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what's possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it's about recognizing that for much too long we've allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. &quot;If you succeed, I fail.&quot; &quot;If you get ahead, I fall behind.&quot; And maybe worst of all, &quot;If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it's just self-evident — &quot;If you do well, we all do well.&quot; That's keeping the promise of America.

* I've never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn't do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it's the core of our administration's economic vision, and it's a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we're going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it's democracy's threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they're following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That's not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn't matter — if that — if their candidate doesn't win. &lt;br&gt; And they're targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn't vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, &quot;Man, you can't turn this back.&quot; I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we've witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we've got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It's using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It's something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we're in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we're confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I've been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn't; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they're hiding and gives it some breath.

----

{{Longquote|
I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you've all been fighting for your whole lives now. It's in stark relief.

The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice.

The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what's at stake.

And '''I think the American people will follow us.'''

'''But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.'''

[...]

God bless you all. May God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== November 2021 ====

*  [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:President Joe Biden at COP26.jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it's about [[w:Green job|jobs]]. It's about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that's yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there's an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . . We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it's about [[w:Green job|jobs]]. It's about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let's get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution. This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team's Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We've all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They've repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn't see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation's capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn't a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren't looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren't looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren't looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn't about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn't buried. &lt;br&gt; That's the only way forward. That's what great nations do. They don't bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that's the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there's truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He's done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country's interests and America's interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can't accept he lost, even though that's what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That's what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here's the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It's wrong. It's undemocratic. And frankly, it's un-American.

* '''You can't love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can't obey the law only when it's convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can't be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn't come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it's up to all of us — to &quot;We the People&quot; — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We're living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we're engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people's right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they're betting that democracy's days are numbered. They've actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today's rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they're betting — they're betting America will become more like them and less like us. They're betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn't live up to but an idea that couldn't be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they're not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don't kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it's no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I'm crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about &quot;me.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We're a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we're one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven't looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I'm pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven't looked like America. And I believe it's time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I've admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I'm pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

:* The idea that we're going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that's called [[World War III]], okay? Let's get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

:* Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

:* Six days ago, [[Russia]]'s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

----

{{Longquote|
  Imagine what it's like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you're going to pay for it.
  What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
}}
:* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

----

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:P20220324AS-0301 (52036132899).jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share? Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that's really what's at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you're doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

:* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here. You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we're a unique country in many ways. And we're the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we're based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it's the truth of who we are. We've never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it. And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

:* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That's why you're here.

:* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we've lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you're engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We're in a new phase — your generation. We're at an inflection point. About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain't going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share? Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that's really what's at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you're doing is consequential — really consequential.

:* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

:* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are. And thank you for what you're doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he'd yell at me, &quot;Joey&quot; — in Scranton — he said, &quot;Keep the faith.&quot; And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she'd yell, &quot;No, spread it.&quot; You're spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it's from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

:* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe. Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

:* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy. And we'll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over. They must end. They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world's democracies. &lt;br&gt; It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day. My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That's why — that's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

:* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

:* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

:* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]'s [[love]] for [[liberty]]. [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]'s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We're not attacking [[Russia]]; we're [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it's their jobs; they wonder what they're going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation's Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill's husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

===== Statement by President Biden on Veterans Unemployment Matching Historic Low =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-veterans-unemployment-matching-historic-low/ Statement by President Biden on Veterans Unemployment Matching Historic Low (April 21, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Jill and I believe that our nation has a sacred obligation to America's veterans and their families. Among other things, this means providing veterans with the tools and resources for economic opportunity, security, and dignity.

==== May 2022 ====

:* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we're on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history. And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

:* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
::* [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

:* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation's elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman's right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
::* As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

:* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
::* [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

:* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen's peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

:* The regime's brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

:* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

:* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

:* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can't stand it. I cannot stand it. But I'm going to have to learn, aren't I?
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

:* I've been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don't wait. We don't have to wonder.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

:* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
::* [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

:* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

:* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

:* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That's why we're staying in this.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the &quot;Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022&quot; (May 9, 2022)]

:* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it's gone down both years since I've been here — period.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

----

{{Longquote|
We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.

Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities.

Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime.

Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.

When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses.

My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
}}
:* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

----

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, &quot;All that needs to be said has already been said, but I'm going to say it again.&quot;

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It's pretty consequential. And it's only going to keep growing, this need. High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it's a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald's and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It's just not right. It's not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.
To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation's immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores. 

Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations. 

Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.
}}

----

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* My dad used to say &quot;A job's about a lot more than a paycheck, it's about your dignity, it's about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

:* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that's reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year's deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

:* I'm tired of trickle-down-economics, I've never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I'm a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

:* That's no malarkey, That's a fact.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

:* I've spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

:* We're making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

----

{{Longquote|
Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we're down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development].

We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they're [ranked second], we [got to] up our game.

It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.

}}

::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

----

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. 

Terrorism. 

Domestic terrorism.

[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group. 

A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that's the word, &quot;replaced&quot; — by the &quot;other&quot; — by people who don't look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. 

I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
[[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation's [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you.

[[Hate]] will not prevail.

And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.

For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it's come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
}}
::* [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

----

{{Longquote|
We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes.

We heard the chants, &quot;You will not replace us,&quot; in Charlottesville, Virginia.

I wasn't going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President.

But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting &quot;You will not replace us,&quot; accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that's when I said, &quot;No.&quot; &quot;No.&quot;
}}

----

{{Longquote|
White supremacy is a poison. It's a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it's been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes.

No more.

I mean, no more.

We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America.

None.
}}
::* [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

----

{{Longquote|
'''Silence is complicity. It's complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''

Our nation's strength has always come from the idea — it's going to sound corny, but think about it: What's the idea of our nation? That we're all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn't get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we're called upon to defend them.

The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time.

We cannot allow that to happen.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Look, I'm not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do.

We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We've done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down.

You can't prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn't been in my lifetime.''' It's in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don't understand America.

To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions.

Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we're all part of the Divine. &quot;Love thy neighbor as thyself.&quot; That's the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world.

Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy.

These actions we've seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority.

We can't allow them to distort America — the real America. We can't allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.
}}

----

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

:* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God's name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God's name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again.

[[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they're on a battlefield, for God's sake. They'll live with it the rest of their lives.

There's a lot we don't know yet, but there's a lot we do know.

There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.

To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There's a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you're being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It's suffocating. And it's never quite the same.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws.

We can't and won't prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact.

When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled. 

The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God's name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren't running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God's sake. It's just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.

For God's sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws.

I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft.

And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]].Why?

They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost.

But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?

It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act.

It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.
}}

----

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
*: [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* And I hope we all walk away from days like this and moments like this when we go back to the places where we work every day, often being one of the only like us in a room or who has had the life experience we’ve had — I think these are moments that are very important to remember that we are not alone. There are all of us who are in these rooms together, even if we don’t see each other at a particular moment. So, it’s a good time to be together. So, thank you all.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-at-the-naleo-39th-annual-conference/ Remarks by Vice President Harris at the NALEO 39th Annual Conference (June 24, 2022)]

===== A Proclamation on Father's Day, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/17/a-proclamation-on-fathers-day-2022/ A Proclamation on Father's Day, 2022 (June 17, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Too many of us know a dad who was lost too soon or a father who has lost a child. The pain runs deep, but we draw strength from knowing that our loved ones will always remain with us.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
Every year on Father's Day, we honor the men who help shape our character through their love, guidance, and devotion.

Dads and father figures across the country sacrifice so much to support their families and to ensure that their children can lead fulfilling lives.

I remember my own father, who instilled in me some of the most important values that guide me to this day.

He taught me to treat all people with dignity, and that there is no higher calling than to be a good parent. He informed the way that I raised my own children — and how they continue to raise theirs.

Just like my father, dads all over our country help teach their kids a sense of right and wrong that stays with them their entire lives. We owe these wonderful fathers a great deal of respect and gratitude.
}}}}

----

===== Statement by President Biden on Bipartisan Senate Gun Safety Proposal =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/12/statement-by-president-biden-on-bipartisan-senate-gun-safety-proposal/ Statement by President Biden on Bipartisan Senate Gun Safety Proposal (June 12, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
[...]

Obviously, it does not do everything that I think is needed, but it reflects important steps in the right direction, and would be the most significant gun safety legislation to pass Congress in decades.

With bipartisan support, there are no excuses for delay, and no reason why it should not quickly move through the Senate and the House.

Each day that passes, more children are killed in this country: the sooner it comes to my desk, the sooner I can sign it, and the sooner we can use these measures to save lives.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden in a Briefing on the New Mexico Wildfires =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/11/remarks-by-president-biden-in-a-briefing-on-the-new-mexico-wildfires/ Remarks by President Biden in a Briefing on the New Mexico Wildfires (June 11, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
And secondly, there's an expression where I come from: &quot;God made man, then he made some firefighters.&quot;

I grew up in a neighborhood called Claymont, Delaware, when we moved from Scranton when coal died.

And, you know, my parents weren't in the coal mines — they were in sales — but the economy shriveled and we moved down to this little steel town.

And I went to a little Catholic school across from the fire department — a fire station. And everybody I grew up with — you either became a cop, a firefighter, or a priest. '''I wasn't qualified for any of them, so here I am.'''
}}

:* Just so you know, I've done too many individual and mass funerals for firefighters and hotshots and, you're an incredible group of people. I mean, a truly incredible group of people. 

:* [T]he overwhelming human instinct is you run away from a fire, not into it. And the only thing that protects firefighters is more firefighters — the only thing. '''More firefighters.'''

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Inflation and Actions Taken to Lower Prices and Address Supply Chain Challenges =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/10/remarks-by-president-biden-on-inflation-and-actions-taken-to-lower-prices-and-address-supply-chain-challenges/ Remarks by President Biden on Inflation and Actions Taken to Lower Prices and Address Supply Chain Challenges (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
[O]ne thing I want to say about the oil companies:

: They talk about how we have — they have 9,000 permits to drill.

'''They're not drilling.''' Why aren't they drilling? Because they make more money not producing more oil. The price goes up, number one.

And, number two, the reason they're not drilling is they're buying back their own stock — which should be taxed, quite frankly — buying back their own stock and making no new investments.
}}

----

:* We're going to make sure that everybody knows Exxon's profits. Why don't you tell them what Exxon's profits were this year — this quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year.''' And, by the way, nothing has changed.

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections (June 25, 2022)]

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.

Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.

It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand. 

As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas' futures. 

:* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas. The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

:* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine. That's how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

:* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

:* When I hear &quot;climate,&quot; I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

:* That's what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that's when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

----

{{Longquote|
People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. 

That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.
}}

----

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it's one thing to say &quot;there should be accountability,&quot; but when we think about and define &quot;accountability&quot; based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, &quot;Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?&quot;

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

:* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

----

{{Longquote|

Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night.

'''This was not a riot, it was a massacre.'''

As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished.

In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I'm sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can't get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it's heeded the request that people had, and it's headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen's civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana'a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago.

'''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.'''

For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana'a to destinations outside Yemen.
}}}}

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===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn't help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb|According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

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{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
'''On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery.'''

As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.

'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.

Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn't help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America.

We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.

At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]'s sake, do something.
}}}}

----

:* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can't be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

:* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone's guns. It's ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, &quot;Like most rights, the right...&quot; — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are &quot;not unlimited.&quot; Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn't about taking away anyone's rights. It's about protecting children. It's about protecting families. It's about protecting whole communities. It's about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

:* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]'s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say &quot;enough&quot;? Enough.

:* '''I know that we can't prevent every tragedy.''' But here's what I believe we have to do. Here's what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here's what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can't ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here's what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

:* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that's what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

:* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That's how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

:* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

:* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he'd be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can't buy a pistol in Texas until you're 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can't ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

:* Look, I know some folks will say, &quot;18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.&quot; But that's with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don't tell me raising the age won't make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

:* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They're the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we'd be today. The gun industry's special protections are outrageous. It must end.

:* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend's body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it's like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they'll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don't have to imagine that at all.'''

:* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There's a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That's why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won't fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

:* I just told you what I'd do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don't have serial numbers and can't be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it's time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don't want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can't fail the American people again.

:* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn't count the carnage we see every single day that doesn't make the headlines.

:* I've been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I'll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won't give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

:* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it's a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

:* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

:* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn't enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, &quot;Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what's broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.&quot; End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It's time for each of us to do our part. It's time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we've lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let's hear the call and the cry. Let's meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

:* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle's wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That's my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, Justice Thomas said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====

* Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don't have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 Via Twitter (July 6, 2022)]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden|Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people's healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people's living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn't protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People's Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They're in the sphere of wanting to increase. They're in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-08-01|title=&quot;You're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor&quot;: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform|first=Tara|last=Golshan|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America's greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation's history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden's an empty vessel. I don't think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: 'White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That' (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they're farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they're worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they're coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He's not shutting down the virus. He's helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don't you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don't want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation|author=Veronica Stracqualursi|date=2020-10-16|title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'|periodical=Miami Herald|url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden's call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden|Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two &quot;made&quot; senators — there's a very good chance that today's cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation|date=2012-05-03|periodical=BBC|url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778|title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I'm sure that she'll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He's smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He's taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he's doing the exact opposite because he's cut some side deal that maybe we'll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don't really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America's credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill &quot;Empire Politician&quot;: Joe Biden's Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden's political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and &quot;prestige&quot; on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ &quot;Empire Politician&quot;: Joe Biden's Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden's election slogan was &quot;America is back.&quot; The truth is that &quot;America&quot; never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump's most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier, ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it's a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump's withdrawal plan. Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending &quot;The War Party&quot;: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!''] (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden's proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there's probably—possibly—drugs involved, That's what I hear. I mean, there's possibly drugs. I don't know how you can go from being so bad where you can't even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I'm going to say, 'I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.' I'm not going to feel so good. Maybe I'll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating's article, Australia's leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It's laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can't even get out because they're contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That's the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== Taglines ==

* That's no malarkey, That's a fact.

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Biden, Joe}}</text>
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      <text bytes="282353" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community. – Joe Biden]]
'''[[w:Joe Biden|Joseph Robinette &quot;Joe&quot; Biden, Jr.]]''' (born [[20 November]] [[1942]]) is an American politician serving as the 46th and current [[w:president of the United States|president of the United States]]. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], Biden previously served as the 47th [[w:Vice President of the United States|vice president]] from 2009 to 2017. He represented [[Delaware]] in the [[w:United States Senate|United States Senate]] from 1973 to 2009.

{{center|'''That's no malarkey, That's a fact.''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|Taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Quotes ==

=== 1970s ===

:* (W)hen it comes to issues like [[:w:Thomas_Eagleton#.22Amnesty,_abortion,_and_acid.22|abortion, amnesty, and acid]], I'm about as liberal as your grandmother. I don't like [[w:Roe v Wade|the Supreme Court decision on abortion]]. I think it went too far. I don't think that a woman has the sole right to say what should happen to her body. I support a limited amnesty, and I don't think marijuana should be legalized.
:*m {{citation|author=Kitty Kelley|title=Death and the All-American Boy|periodical=[[w:Washingtonian (magazine)|Washingtonian]]|year=1974|month=June|url=https://www.washingtonian.com/1974/06/01/joe-biden-kitty-kelley-1974-profile-death-and-the-all-american-boy/}}

:* I think the Democratic Party could stand a liberal [[George Wallace]]—someone who's not afraid to stand up and offend people, someone who wouldn't pander but would say what the American people know in their gut is right.
::* ''Philadelphia Enquirer'' (Oct. 12, 1975) Alana Goodman, [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/joe-biden-once-said-democrats-needed-a-liberal-george-wallace Joe Biden once said Democrats needed 'a liberal George Wallace' (Feb. 7, 2019)], ''Washington Examiner''

:* I do not buy the concept, popular in the '[[1960s|60s]], which said, 'We have suppressed the [[Black people|black man]] for 300 years and the [[White people|white man]] is now far ahead in the race for everything our society offers. In order to even the score, we must now give the black man a head start, or even hold the white man back, to even the race.' I don't buy that. I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather. I feel responsible for what the situation ls today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago.
::* From {{citation|date=1975-09-13|title= An Interview With Joe Biden|author= Joe Farley|url=https://games-cdn.washingtonpost.com/notes/prod/default/documents/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb/note/f8e04c01-66d9-44be-87e1-5ef753b81b83.pdf}}

:* Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point.
::* [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uiug.30112104078842&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=255 Busing of schoolchildren] (Jun. - Jul. 1977): hearing before the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, Ninety-fifth Congress, first session, on S. 1651.

----

{{Longquote|
I don't want anybody to give me credit for sharing any point of view [[w:George Wallace|George Wallace]] has.

There are some people who oppose [[w:Desegregation busing|busing]] because they are racist, but the vast majority of the American people — the people of Delaware — oppose it for the same reason that the architect of the concept now opposes it.

[[w:James Samuel Coleman|Professor Coleman]], an educator, first suggested the possible benefits of busing in a 1966 report. Now in 1975 Coleman says, &quot;Guess what? I was wrong. Busing doesn't accomplish its goal.&quot; We should be concentrating on things other than busing to provide for the educational and cultural needs of the deprived segment of our population. But we've lost our bearings since the 1954 &quot;[[w:Brown v. Board of Education|Brown vs. School Board]]&quot; desegregation case.

To &quot;[[Racial segregation|desegregate]]&quot; is different than to &quot;integrate.&quot;

I got into trouble with Democratic liberals in 1972 when I refused to support a quota-system for [[w:1972 Democratic National Convention|the Democratic National Convention]].

I am philosophically opposed to [[w:Racial quota|quota-systems]]; they insure mediocrity. The new integration plans being offered are really just quota-systems to assure a certain number of blacks, [[w:Chicano|Chicanos]], or whatever in each school. That, to me, is the most racist concept you can come up with; what it says is, &quot;in order for your child, with curly black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin to be able to learn anything, he needs to sit next to my blond-haired, blue-eyed son.&quot; That's [[Racism in the United States|racist]]! Who the hell do we think we are, that the only way a black man or woman can learn is if they rub shoulders with my white child? The point is that if we look beyond the [[w:Old Left|&quot;old&quot; left]] to the &quot;[[w:New Left|New Left]],&quot; almost all the new liberal leaders and [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights leaders]] oppose busing.
}}
::* {{cite web|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/transcript-of-then-sen-biden-s-interview-with-the-people-paper/3d9be388-6871-4993-ae53-869a88c3c6eb_note.html?utm_term=.e3bfb814c748|title=An Interview with Senator Joseph R. Biden|first=Joe|last=Farley|publisher=People Paper / Congressional Record|date=September 20-26, 1975}}

----

=== 1980s ===

* During the '60s, I was in fact very concerned about the [[w:Civil rights movement|civil rights movement]]. I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of [[w:Wilmington, Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]]. I was ''involved''. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching. I was not down in [[w:1965 Selma protests|Selma]], I was not anywhere else. I was a suburbanite kid who got a dose of exposure to what was happening to [[African American|black Americans]] in my own city.
** News conference, {{#formatdate:1987-09-17}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-14|title=Ahead of South Carolina Vote, Joe Biden Faces Questions Over Claims of Civil Rights Activism|author=Robert Mackey|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/02/14/ahead-south-carolina-vote-joe-biden-faces-questions-claims-civil-rights-activism-2/}}

==== 1988 Presidential Campaign ====

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest. For a decade, led by [[Ronald Reagan]], self-aggrandizement has been the full-throated cry of this society: 'I've got mine, so why don't you get yours' and 'What's in it for me?'
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* We [[must]] rekindle the fire of [[idealism]] in our [[society]] — for [[nothing]] suffocates the [[promise]] of [[America]] more than unbounded [[cynicism]] and [[indifference]]. We must reclaim the [[tradition]] of [[community]] in our society. Only by recognizing that we share a common [[obligation]] to one another and to our [[country]] can we ever [[hope]] to maximize our [[national]] or personal [[potential]]. We must reassert the oneness of [[America]]. America has been and must once again be the seamless web of caring and community.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* The standard of judgment is no longer results but the flickering image of seriousness, skillfully crafted to squeeze into 30 seconds on the nightly news. In this world, emotion has become suspect - the accepted style is smooth, antiseptic and passionless.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

* It is an exciting and dangerous time, for this generation of Americans has the opportunity so rarely granted to others by fate and history. We literally have the chance to shape the future - to put our own stamp on the face and character of America, to bend history just a little bit.
** On the national debate, [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html Campaign speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race, Wilmington, Delaware (June 10, 1987)]

=== 1990s ===

:* Let me tell you what ''is'' in the bill, and I'll let you all decide whether or not this is &quot;weak&quot;. [...] It provides 53 [[Capital punishment|death penalty]] offenses. Weak as can be, you know? We do everything but hang people for jaywalking in this bill. That's weak stuff.
::* Senate, {{#formatdate:1992-05-14}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-07-23|title=Biden Walks Back His Previous Tough On Crime Stance Now That Criminal Justice Reform Is Popular|author=Beth Baumann|periodical=Town Hall|url=https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bethbaumann/2019/07/23/biden-walks-back-his-previous-toughoncrime-stance-now-that-criminal-justice-reform-is-popular-n}}*{{better source needed}}
:::* *Regarding the {{w|Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act}}, which he wrote

:* If [[Haiti]], a God-awful thing to say, if Haiti just quietly sunk into the Caribbean or rose up 300 feet, it wouldn't matter a whole lot in terms of our interest. 
::* As quoted in [https://theintercept.com/empire-politician/biden-haiti-mass-killings-coup 1994, U.S. Invasion of Haiti (27 April 2021), [[Jeremy Scahill]], ''The Intercept'']

----

{{Longquote|
When I introduced the budget freeze years ago, the [[Liberalism|liberals]] in my party said, &quot;It's an awful thing you're doing, Joe. All the programs we care about, you're freezing them — money for the blind, the disabled, education, and so on.&quot; And my argument then is the one I make now, which is the strongest, most compelling reason to be for this amendment or an amendment. And that is: if we don't do that, all the things I care about are going to be gone.

When I argued that we should freeze federal spending, I meant [[Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] as well. I meant Medicare and Medicaid. I meant veterans' benefits. I meant ''every'' single, solitary thing in the government. And I not only tried it once, I tried it twice, I tried it a third time and I tried it a fourth time.

Somebody has to tell me in here, how we're going to do this hard work without dealing with any of those sacred cows.
}}
::* Senate, {{#formatdate:1995-01-31}}, quoted with video in {{citation|date=2019-05-20|title=Watch: Joe Biden Once Boasted About Wanting to Cut Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Veterans' Benefits|author=Walker Bragman|periodical=Paste Magazine|url=https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/joe-biden/watch-joe-biden-boasts-about-wanting-to-cut-social/}}

----

{{Longquote|
You and I both know, and all of us here really know, and it's a thing we have to face, that the only way, the only way we're going to get rid of [[Saddam Hussein]] is we're going to end up having to start it alone — start it alone — and it's going to require guys like you in uniform to be back on foot in the desert taking this son of a — taking Saddam down. You know it and I know it.

But I respectfully suggest, Major, that the responsibility is slightly above your pay grade, to decide whether to take the nation to war alone, or to take the nation to war part way, or to take the Nation to work half-way. That is a real tough decision.
}}
::* To [[w:Scott Ritter|Scott Ritter]], in hearings about the disarmament process, before the Senate Committee on Armed Services (September 1998), quoted in {{citation|date=2020-01-07|title=Joe Biden, five years before invasion, said the only way of disarming Iraq is &quot;taking Saddam down&quot;|author=Ryan Grim|periodical=The Intercept|url=https://theintercept.com/2020/01/07/joe-biden-iraq-war-history/}}

----

=== 2000s ===

==== 2000 ====

* [[Alan Cranston]] understood power not as a reflection of status but as a tool with a purpose.
** ''Meet the Press'' ({{#formatdate:2000-12-31}})

==== 2002 ====

* Saddam Hussein's pursuit of [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], in my view, is one of those clear dangers. Even if the right response to his pursuit is not so crystal clear, one thing is clear. These weapons must be dislodged from Saddam Hussein, or Saddam Hussein must be dislodged from power.
** US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, {{#formatdate:2002-07-31}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-10-15|title=Joe Biden's Iraq problem|author=Tara Golshan and Alex Ward|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/10/15/20849072/joe-biden-iraq-history-democrats-election-2020}}

==== 2003 ====

* He made a compelling case. The predominance of the evidence, the pure weight of the evidence, I think anyone. ... Let me put it this way, if I were back practicing law I can't imagine I could not convince an open-minded jury of the facts that he presented as having been true.
** Biden on [[w:United_Nations_Security_Council_and_the_Iraq_War#Colin_Powell's_presentation|Colin Powell's speech to the United Nations]]. [https://www.factcheck.org/2019/09/bidens-record-on-iraq-war/ Biden's Record on Iraq War (February 5, 2003), [[w:FactCheck.org|''FactCheck.org'']]]

==== 2004 ====

* Hell, I might be [[President of the United States|president]] now if it weren't for the fact I said I had an uncle who was a coal miner. Turns out I didn't have anybody in the coal mines, you know what I mean? I tried that crap — it didn't work.
** [http://www.cc.com/video-clips/svsqnx/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-joe-biden ''The Daily Show with Jon Stewart'' (July 28, 2004)]

==== 2006 ====

* It's going to be very difficult. I do not view [[abortion]] as a choice and a right. I think it's always a tragedy, and I think that it should be rare and safe, and I think we should be focusing on how to limit the number of abortions. There ought to be able to have a common ground and consensus as to do that.
** ''Texas Monthly'' interview, 2006, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-06-14|title=Joe Biden says he does not view 'abortion as a choice and a right' in unearthed video|author=Clark Mindock|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/joe-biden-abortion-video-2020-campaign-roe-v-wade-choice-a8958156.html}}

* I voted for a fence, I voted, unlike most [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] — and some of you won't like it — I voted for 700 miles of fence,... And the reason why I add that parenthetically, why I believe the fence is needed does not have anything to do with [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] as much as [[drugs]]. And let me tell you something folks, people are driving across that border with tons, tons, hear me, tons of everything from byproducts for [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamine]] to [[cocaine]] to [[heroin]] and it's all coming up through corrupt [[Mexico]].
** South Carolina rotary club (November 27, 2006), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-05-10|title=Joe Biden once said a fence was needed to stop 'tons' of drugs from Mexico|author=Andrew Kaczynski|periodical=CNN Politics|url=https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/10/politics/kfile-biden-drugs-fence-2006/index.html}} [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15djRzWG3_0]

* You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent ... I'm not joking.
** {{cite news|url = http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/07/biden_say_what.html|title = Biden Say What?|publisher = National Journal/C-SPAN|date = [[July 6]], [[2006]]|accessdate = 2008-08-22}}{{dead link}}

==== 2007 ====

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I don't think [[John Edwards]] knows what the heck he is talking about.

John Edwards wants you and all the Democrats to think, 'I want us out of there,' but when you come back and you say, 'O.K., John. What about the chaos that will ensue? Do we have any interest, John, left in the region?'

Well, John will have to answer yes or no. If he says yes, what are they? What are those interests, John?

How do you protect those interests, John, if you are completely withdrawn?

Are you withdrawn from the region, John? Are you withdrawn from Iraq, John? In what period?

So all this stuff is like so much Fluffernutter out there. So for me, what I think you have to do is have a strategic notion. And they may have it—they are just smart enough not to enunciate it.
}}}}
::* Speaking on Edwards' position for immediate withdrawal of about 40,000 American troops from Iraq (February 5, 2007), reported in the [http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1-2.html New York Observer]

----

{{Longquote|
I'm running for president because I think that, with a lot of help, I can stem the tide of this slide and restore America's leadership in the world and change our priorities.

I will argue that my experience and my track record — both on the foreign and domestic side — put me in a position to be able to do that.

I would respectfully suggest to you that the Democrats out there understand I am the only person with a plan that can get out of Iraq without our interests in the region not falling apart.
}}
::* [https://www.nytimes.com/cq/2007/01/31/cq_2212.html?pagewanted=all Conference call with reporters after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007)]

----

:* I'm not exploring. I'm in. And this is the beginning of a marathon
::* Referring to his choice not to set up an &quot;exploratory committee&quot; and instead enter the race directly; interview on ABC News after announcing candidacy for the 2008 Democratic president nomination (January 30, 2007){{Citation needed}}

:* There's good reason to be excited. You have the first woman running who is qualified, and a very attractive African-American who has demonstrated crossover appeal. I got involved in politics 40 years ago during the civil rights movement, so yes, it's an exciting thing.
:* The average voter out there understands that the next president is going to have to be prepared to immediately step in without hesitation and end our involvement in Iraq. It's very difficult to figure out how to move on to broader foreign policy concerns without fixing Iraq first.
:* People ask if I can compete with the money of [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack]]. I hope at the end of the day, they can compete with my ideas and my experience.
::* {{citation|url = http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16901147/ns/politics/t/biden-officially-running-president/|title = Biden officially running for president|periodical = NBC News|date = 2007-01-31|accessdate = 2007-02-01}}

:* I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.
::* Speaking of Presidential candidate [[Barack Obama]]
::* {{cite news|url = http://www.observer.com/20070205/20070205_Jason_Horowitz_pageone_newsstory1.html|title = Biden Unbound: Lays Into Clinton, Obama, Edwards|publisher = The New York Observer|date = [[February 1]], [[2007]]|accessdate = 2007-02-01}}

===== Rudy Giuliani =====

:* [T]here's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
::* Democratic primary debate (October 30, 2007)

==== 2008 ====

* The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an [[Sports|athlete]]. The hell with the rest of this stuff.
** {{cite news|url = http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20221223_2,00.html|title = Barack Obama Reveals How He Popped the Question to Joe Biden|publisher = People Magazine|date = [[August 25]], [[2008]]|accessdate = 2008-08-26}}

* When the [[w:Wall Street Crash of 1929|stock market crashed]], [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] got on the [[television]] and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
** Interview with CBS Evening News. [http://cbs2.com/politics/joe.biden.interview.2.823202.html CBS Evening News (September 22, 2008)]

* Like millions of Americans, they're asking questions as profound as they are ordinary. Questions they never thought they would have to ask: Should mom move in with us now that dad is gone? Fifty, sixty, seventy dollars to fill up the [[car]]? Winter's coming. How we gonna pay the heating bills? Another year and no raise? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now, we owe more on the house than it's worth. How are we going to send the kids to college? How are we gonna be able to retire? That's the America that [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] has left us, and that's the America that George -- excuse me, if [[John McCain]] is elected president of the United States.
** [http://www.nathanielturner.com/americageorgebushhasleftus.htm Joe Biden's vice presidential candidacy acceptance speech at the DNC (2008)]

* When we kicked — along with [[France]], we kicked [[Hezbollah]] out of [[Lebanon]], I said and [[Barack Obama|Barack]] said, &quot;Move [[NATO]] forces in there. Fill the vacuum, because if you don't know — if you don't, Hezbollah will control it.&quot; Now what's happened? Hezbollah is a legitimate part of the government in the country immediately to the north of Israel.
** [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates], October 2, 2008

* [[Dick Cheney|Vice President Cheney]] has been the most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history. The idea he doesn't realize that [[w:Article One of the United States Constitution|Article I]] of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] defines the role of the [[w:Vice president of the United States|vice president of the United States]], that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that. And the [[w:Vice President of the United States#Role of the Vice President|primary role]] of the vice president of the United States of America is to support the president of the United States of America, give that president his or her best judgment when sought, and as vice president, to [[w:President of the Senate#United_States|preside over the Senate]], only in a time when in fact there's a tie vote. The Constitution is explicit. The only authority the vice president has from the legislative standpoint is the vote, only when there is a tie vote. He has no authority relative to the [[United States Congress|Congress]].
** Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate. [http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/02/debate.transcript/ Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]
* No, Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes [[marriage]]. No, we do not support that.
** Joe Biden at the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, when asked if he and Barack Obama support gay marriage. [http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/president/debates/transcripts/vice-presidential-debate.html Biden-Palin Vice Presidential debates (October 2, 2008)]

===== ''Promises to Keep'' (2008) =====

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo portrait 2-cropped.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|First, that nobody, no group, is above others. Public servants are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. – Joe Biden]]
* He wanted me to understand two big things: First, that nobody, no group, is above others. [[Public trust|Public servants]] are obliged to level with ''everybody,'' whether or not they'll like what he has to say. And second, that politics was a matter of personal honor. A man's word is his bond. You give your word, you keep it. For as long as I can remember, I've had a sort of romantic notion of what politics should be- and can be. If you do politics the right way, I believe, you can actually make people's lives better. And integrity is the minimum ante to get into the game. Nearly forty years after I first got involved, I remain captivated by the possibilities of politics and public service. In fact, I believe- as I know my grandpop did- that my chosen profession is a noble calling.
** Pages xv-xvi 

* We all know- or at least we are told continually- that we are a divided people. And we know there's a degree of truth in it. We have too often allowed our differences to prevail among us. We have too often allowed ambitious men to play off those differences for political gain. We have too often retreated behind our differences when no one really tried to lead us beyond them. But all our differences hardly measure up to the values we all hold in common... I am running for the Senate because... I want to make the system work again, and I am convinced that is what all Americans really want.
** Pages xvi-xvii 

* Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments. But I do have absolute faith in the ''heart'' of the American people. The greatest resource in this country is the grit, the resolve, the courage, the basic decency, and the stubborn pride of its citizens.
** Page xx 

[[File:Joe Biden speaks at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-1153a.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong. – Joe Biden]]

* I wasn't built to look the other way because the law demanded it. The law might be wrong.
** Page 42 

* I had no place to go. It was up or out.
** Page 58 

[[File:Biden Obama 2.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass. – Joe Biden]]
* I knew I had to be sure-footed about the issues I was talking about. When you're twenty-nine years old, who the hell is going to think you're credible? It wasn't enough to have ideas; I had to know my facts. I had to demonstrate command from the minute I started running. I understood that was the test I had to pass.
** Page 63 

* The fabric of our complex society is woven too tightly to permit any part of it to be damaged without damaging the whole.
** Page 64 

* I didn't argue that the [[Vietnam War|war in Vietnam]] was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.
** Pages 65-66 

* When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success.
** Page 73 

[[File:Joe Biden - World Economic Forum Extraordinary Annual Meeting Jordan 2003.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I didn't argue that the war in Vietnam was immoral; it was merely stupid and a horrendous waste of time, money, and lives based on a flawed premise.]]

* The first few days I felt trapped in a constant twilight of vertigo, like in the dream where you're suddenly falling... only I was ''constantly'' falling. In moments of fitful sleep I was aware of the dim possibility that I would wake up, truly wake up, and this would not have happened.
** Page 80 

* Most of all I was numb, but there were moments when the pain cut through like a shard of broken glass. I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn't just an option but a ''rational'' option.
** Page 80

* I liked to go at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight. I was always looking for a fight. I had not known I was capable of such rage. I knew I had been cheated of a future, but I felt I'd been cheated of a past, too. The underpinnings of my life had been kicked out from under me... and it wasn't just the loss of Neilia and Naomi. All my life I'd been taught about our benevolent God. This is a forgiving God, a just God, a God who knows people make mistakes. This is a God who is tolerant. This is a God who gave us free will to be able to doubt. This was a loving God, a God of comfort. Well, I didn't want to hear anything about a merciful God. No words, no prayer, no sermon gave me ease. I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry. I found no comfort in the Church. So I kept walking the dark streets to try to exhaust the rage.
** Page 81 

[[File:Bidens dance at CinC's Ball 1-20-09 hires 090120-N-0696M-708.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people.]]
* I kept trying to tell people that just because I was young didn't mean I could speak for all young people. 
** Page 84 

* A better man might have handled the situation with more grace than I did. A better man would have been able to separate his personal life from his career.
** Page 87

* There is a great deal of pressure, in the one particular area at least, to prostitute our ideas, if not our integrity.
** Page 93 

* Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase.
** Page 96 

* A convicted felon who had strong family ties, a stake in the community, and an education might get probation, while a man who had few family ties, little stake in the community, and little education might draw a ten-year sentence for the same crime. 
** Page 122 

* The system wasn't working, and I thought it was time to err on the side of a new model. What might work, I thought, was a system that promoted personal accountability, consistency, and certainty. Congress could say people who committed the same federal crime, under the same circumstances, were going to jail for the same amount of time. We could give judges a narrower set of sentencing guidelines to work with, and felons would be required to pay the same price. We'd be judging the crime, not the person.
** Page 123 

* I think I instinctively understood that my most important duty was to be a target. People were desperate to vent their anger, and if they could yell at a united States senator, all the better. Part of being a public servant, I came to understand in 1978, was absorbing the anger of people who don't know where to turn. If I couldn't solve the problem for them, I had to at least be an outlet.
** Page 127

* As I pushed through to the podium, I could hear people murmuring under their breath: &quot;There he is... Goddam Biden.... Kill the sonofabitch.&quot; And these were my voters- working-class Democrats.
** Page 127 

[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Joe Biden at Tomb of the Unknowns 1-18-09 090118-N-9923C-012.JPG|thumb|upright|200px|right|It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.]]

* It required a lot less energy, intelligence, and competence to run against government than to try to make government work.
** Page 134 

* Just because our political heroes were murdered does not mean that the dream does not still live, buried deep in our broken hearts.
** Page 141 

* No matter how well intended our country is, we cannot expect other nations to trust us as much as we trust ourselves.
** Page 145 

* I, too, believe there are [[natural rights]] that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.
** Page 178 

* I believe all Americans are born with certain inalienable rights. As a child of God, I believe my rights are not derived from the Constitution. My rights are not derived from any government. My rights are not denied by any majority. My rights are because I exist. They were given to me and each of my fellow citizens by our creator, and they represent the essence of human dignity....
** Page 194

* My own father had always said the measure of a man wasn't how many times or how hard he got knocked down, but how fast he got back up.
** Page 208

[[File:Barack Obama signs executive order creating Middle Class Task Force 1-30-09.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|I, too, believe there are natural rights that predate any written political or legal documents; we have these rights merely because we're children of God.]]

* I think you're a damn [[War crimes|war criminal]] and you should be tried as one.
** To [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]. Page 266.

* There is never a time when a president can act to stop a tragedy from occurring without being held politically accountable one way or the other. If he does it and fails, he's wrong. If he does it and succeeds, he was never right because it didn't happen. If we go in and stop an act of genocide, we can't prove what we stopped.
** Page 281

* I learned later that the surgeon who put Dole back together after he was so badly injured in World War II was an Armenian whose family had deep memories of the genocidal campaign the Turks had waged against them.
** Page 281

* The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.
** Page 284

[[File:20090114 JRB LG BO-4213.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.]]

* In spite of the president's phone call, I remained a vocal critic of the [[w:foreign policy of George W. Bush|Bush administration's foreign policy]] priorities through that summer because I didn't trust most of the people he had around him. The civilians in the [[w:united states Department of Defense|Department of Defense]] were unlike any I'd ever seen. They seemed to think our nation was so powerful that we could simply impose our will on the rest of the world with almost no ill consequence. It seemed to me that [[Donald Rumsfeld|Rumsfeld]] and his chief deputy at Defense, [[Paul Wolfowitz]], were so totally in thrall to that [[Conservatism|conservative]] think-tank-generated ideology that they were steering the president down a dangerous path. And they were so intent on overturning President Clinton's foreign policy initiatives that they were losing sight of the bigger goal, which was keeping America safe at home and engaged in doing good in the world.
** Page 298

* These were [[al-Qaeda]] fighters, the first I'd ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I've been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I'd ever seen.
** Page 321

* Given [[Iraq]]'s strategic location, its large oil reserves, and the suffering of the Iraqi people, we cannot afford to replace a despot with chaos. It would be a tragedy if we removed a tyrant in Iraq only to leave chaos in its wake.
** Page 335

* I made a mistake. I underestimated the influence of Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and the rest of the neocons; I ''vastly'' underestimated their disingenuousness and incompetence. So George W. Bush went to war again, and just the way the neocons wanted him to- without significant international backing.
** Page 342

* Things never got better, and Rumsfeld and Cheney never got any wiser. It became increasingly clear that those two men had eroded our country's claim to any moral high ground by flouting the Geneva Conventions. They forced policy decisions that allowed the hideous prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq and encouraged the mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at our facility in Guantánamo in Cuba. I wasn't shy about hammering Rumsfeld.
** Page 351

* It was that hard; I still feel that way. But I believe that President Bush failed to lead. History will judge him harshly not for the mistakes he made- we all make mistakes- but for the opportunities he squandered.
** Page 352

* For the world to follow, we must do more than rattle our sabers and demand allegienace to our vision simply because we believe we are right. We must provide a reason for others to aspire to that vision. And that reason must come with more than the repetition of a bumper-sticker phrase about freedom and democracy. It must come with more than the restatement of failed policy. It must come with the wisdom to admit when we are wrong and resolve to change course and get it right.
** Page 353

==== 2009 ====

* My memory is not as good as... [[John Roberts|Chief Justice Roberts]].
** [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/biden-jabs-roberts-for-oath-flub/ Remarks while administering oath of office for White House senior staff; poking fun at memorable incident in which John G. Roberts misplaced words while swearing-in President Obama at the presidential inauguration the previous day (January 21, 2009)]

=== 2010s ===

==== 2010 ====

* Ties between our two countries are literally, literally unbreakable.
** addressing the 2010 General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America on relations between the United States of America and the State of Israel, 2010-11-07, in New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
** {{cite news|url = http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2010/11/08/20101108_mideast1.mp3|title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks|publisher = PBS Newshour|date = 2010-11-08|accessdate = 2012-07-01}}
** {{cite news|url = http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/middle_east/july-dec10/mideast1_11-08.html|title = Israel Resumption of Building Settlements Could Derail Peace Talks|publisher = PBS Newshour|date = 2010-11-08|accessdate = 2012-07-01}}
** {{cite news|url = http://articles.cnn.com/2010-11-07/politics/louisiana.biden.israel_1_vice-president-joe-biden-peace-talks-israel|title = Biden reaffirms U.S. support for Israel in speech to Jewish group|publisher = CNN|date = 2010-11-07|accessdate = 2012-07-01}} (Misquotation omits the second utterance of the word &quot;literally&quot;.)

==== 2011 ====

* No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us. President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn't make us better or worse. It's who we are. You make your decisions. We'll make ours.
** To [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]] (2011-2012), as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China's most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (6 April 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''.

* ISIS has nothing to do with [[Islam]].&lt;br&gt;Let me tell you one or two things about [[Islam]].
** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150113053714/http://www.friesian.com/ISLAM.HTM#phobia &quot;Notable &amp; Quotable&quot;] (23 November 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal''.

==== 2012 ====

* Look, I am Vice President of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The president sets the policy. I am absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women, and heterosexual men and women marrying another are entitled to the same exact rights, all the civil rights, all the civil liberties. And quite frankly, I don't see much of a distinction beyond that.
** In response to the question, &quot;You're comfortable with same-sex marriage now?&quot; ''Meet the Press'' (May 6, 2012)

* I resent when they talk about families like mine that I grew up in. I resent the fact that they think we're talking about envy: it's job envy, it's wealthy envy; that we don't dream. My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, that I could be, I could be vice president! My mother and father believed that if my brother or sister wanted to be a millionaire, they could be a millionaire! My mother and father dreamed as much as any rich guy dreams! They don't get us! They don't get who we are!
** Criticizing [[Mitt Romney]] and the Republican Party, [http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/05/joe-biden-lays-into-romney-gop-they-dont-get-who-we-are/ campaign speech] in Youngstown, Ohio (May 16, 2012)

[[File:Joe Biden, official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|200px|right|Full disclosure: I do not have absolute faith in the judgment and wisdom of the American people. We're all human, and we can all be misled. When leaders don't level with citizens, we can't expect them to make good judgments.]]

* Make sure of two things. Be careful — microphones are always hot, and understand that in Washington, D.C., a gaffe is when you tell the truth. So, be careful.
* Even the oil companies don't need an incentive of $4 billion to go out and explore. As my grandpop would say, 'They're doing just fine, thank you'.
** Speech to national conference of the National Association of Black Journalists, Washington, D.C. (June 20, 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2012-06-20|title=Biden: 'A gaffe is when you tell the truth'|author=Talia Buford|periodical=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/06/biden-a-gaffe-is-when-you-tell-the-truth-126866}}

* We got a real clear picture of what they all value. Every [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]]'s voted for it. Look at what they value and look at their budget and what they're proposing. Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he's going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, 'unchain [[Wall Street]]'. They're going to put y'all back in chains.
** Campaign speech in Danville, Virginia, criticizing [[Mitt Romney]], [[Paul Ryan]], and the Republican speech, quoted in {{citation|date=2012-08-14|title=VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains'|author=Jake Tapper|periodical=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/08/vp-biden-says-republicans-are-going-to-put-yall-back-in-chains/}}

* No dates until you're thirty.
** {{citation|date=2012-09-10|title=Joe Biden gets cosy with bikers|author=Alexandra Petri|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/joe-biden-gets-cosy-with-bikers/2012/09/10/20f6f622-fb64-11e1-8adc-499661afe377_blog.html}}

==== 2013 ====

----

{{Longquote|
It's harder to use an assault weapon to hit something than it is a shotgun, okay?

So if you want to keep people away in an earthquake, buy some shotgun shells.

[...]

And so what would happen is the response time, in fact, may have saved one kid's life.

Maybe if it took longer, maybe one more kid would be alive.

[...]

I'm making the argument this way: There's no sporting need that I'm aware of that has a magazine that holds '''fifty rounds'''. None that I'm aware of. And I'm a sportsman.
}}
:* [https://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/24/bidens-gun-advice-for-earthquakes/ 24 January 2013 via CNN political ticker] taken from [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LYlkknrku4 White House Hangout video on YouTube], referencing Sandy Hook where magazines with thirty rounds were used

----

* You can't talk about the civil rights movement in this country without talking about Jewish freedom riders and Jack Greenberg. You can't talk about the women's movement without talking about [[Betty Friedan]]. I believe what affects the movements in America, what affects our attitudes in America are as much the culture and the arts as anything else. [...] It wasn't anything we legislatively did. It was '[[Will &amp; Grace|Will and Grace]],' it was the [[social media]]. Literally. That's what changed peoples' attitudes. That's why I was so certain that the vast majority of people would embrace and rapidly embrace. Think behind of all that, I bet you 85 percent of those changes, whether it's in Hollywood or social media are a consequence of Jewish leaders in the industry. The influence is immense, the influence is immense. And, I might add, it is all to the good.
* The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you ... You make up 11 percent of the seats in the United States Congress. You make up one-third of all Nobel laureates ... I think you, as usual, underestimate the impact of Jewish heritage. I really mean that. I think you vastly underestimate the impact you've had on the development of this nation.
** {{citation|date=2013-05-21|title=Biden: 'Jewish heritage is American heritage'|author=Jennifer Epstein|periodical=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2013/05/biden-jewish-heritage-is-american-heritage-164525}} and {{citation|date=2013-05-22|title=Biden Praises Jews, Goes Too Far, Accidentally Thrills Anti-Semites|author=Jonathan Chait|periodical=Intelligencer|publisher=New York Magazine|url=http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/05/biden-praises-jews-goes-too-far.html}}

==== 2014 ====

[[File:Great Lakes Dredge &amp; Dock Company (2014).jpg|thumb|We need a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants, not dribbling. '''Significant flows.''' (2014)&lt;br&gt;There's a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants. Not in little trickles, but in large numbers. [T]hat secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself. [A]n '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Nonstop, nonstop. [W]e'll be an absolute minority — [which is] not a bad thing, source of our strength (2015).]]

:* We need it badly from a purely – purely economic point of view — constant, '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants, not dribbling. '''Significant flows.'''
::* 10 June 2014 comments to National Association of Manufacturers, [https://thehill.com/regulation/business/208857-biden-hails-constant-unrelenting-stream-of-immigrants reported later that day] by Benjamin Goad of The Hill

:* [W]e need to pass an immigration bill, look at Germany, look at the rest of the world, we're the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that's a major economy
::* 10 June 2014 from same speech, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKnCCzAv3s4&amp;t=34 YouTube audio excerpt] via the DC Examiner

:* Remember—no serious guys till you're thirty!
::* To young women at swearing-in ceremony for new senators, quoted in {{citation|date=2014-07-28|title=The Biden Agenda|author=Evan Osnos|periodical=The New Yorker|url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/07/28/biden-agenda}}

----

{{Longquote|
When these barbarians replicated with Steven what they did with Foley, who is from New Hampshire, they somehow think that it's going to lessen US resolve, frighten us, intimidate us.

'''But if they think the American people will be intimidated, they don't know us very well.''' We came back after 9/11, we dusted ourselves off and we made sure that Osama Bin Ladin would never ever again threaten the American people. We came back Boston strong, blaming no one, but resolve to be certain that this didn't happen again.

'''Today America may be still grieving from Jim Foley, a native from New Hampshire as I said he grew up in Rochester, but the American people are so much stronger, so much more resolved than any enemy can fully understand. As a nation, we are united. And when people harm Americans, we don't retreat, we don't forget, we take care of those grieving. And when that's finished, they should know [that] we follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice, {{red|because hell is where they will reside.}}'''
}}
::* Speech at Portsmouth Naval Yard, quoted in {{citation|date=2014-09-03|title=Joe Biden Speech Transcript: We Will Follow Them to the Gates of Hell|periodical=Crossmap|url=http://www.crossmap.com/news/joe-biden-speech-transcript-we-will-follow-them-to-the-gates-of-hell-11970}}

----

==== 2015 ====

----

{{Longquote|
The god's truth is, we are a melting pot.

It is the ultimate source of our strength, it is the ultimate source of who we are, what we've become.

It started all the way back in the late 1700s.

There's been a constant '''unrelenting stream''' of immigrants.

Not in '''little trickles''', but in '''large numbers'''.

He said they're in America looking for the buried black box, and I looked at him just like you're looking at me, like what's he talking about?

He said they're looking for that secret that allows America to constantly be able to remake itself, unlike any other country in the world.

I said, I can presume to tell you what's in that black box, mister president. I'm old enough now. I said one is that there is in America an overwhelming skepticism for orthodoxy. From the time a child, whether they're naturalized or they're native-born, they think about it, a child never gets criticized in our education system for challenging orthodoxy, for challenging the status quo.

I would argue it's unlike any other large country in the world.

There's a second thing in that black box. An '''unrelenting stream''' of immigration. Non stop, nonstop.

Folks like me who are Caucasian, of European descent, for the first time in 2017 we'll be an absolute minority in the United States of America. Absolute minority.

Fewer than 50% of the people in America from then and on will be white European stock.

That's not a bad thing. That's a source of our strength.
}}
::* [https://www.c-span.org/video/?324394-2/vice-president-joe-biden-remarks-extremism-terrorism 17 February 2015 during Summit on Countering Violent Extremism]

----

* Good morning everyone. This past week we've seen the best and the worst of humanity. The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist's depravity.And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood. These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one. In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do. I don't dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off. There's nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.In the past few weeks though, we've heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.So let's set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States. First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we've instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow. Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don't set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.Let's also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists' hands. We know what ISIL - we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here's what he said: &quot;Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.&quot; So it's clear. It's clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of &quot;us versus them.&quot;They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism. But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail. The world is united in our resolve to end their evil. And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves. We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That's how they win. We win by prioritizing our security as we've been doing. Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance. That's who we are. That's how we win .May God continue to bless the United States of America and God bless [[United States Armed Forces|our troops]].
** [http://www.c-span.org/video/?401096-1/weekly-presidential-address Weekly presidential address] (21 November 2015).

* In the 21st century, nations cannot; and we cannot allow them to redraw borders by force. These are the ground rules. And if we fail to uphold them, we will rue the day. Russia has violated these ground rules and continues to violate them. Today Russia is occupying sovereign Ukrainian territory. Let me be crystal clear: The United States does not, will not, never will recognize Russia's attempt to annex the Crimea. (Applause.) It's that saying -- that simple. There is no justification.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-vice-president-joe-biden-ukrainian-rada Remarks by Vice President Joe Biden to The Ukrainian Rada] (9 December 2015).

==== 2016 ====

* Article Two of the Constitution clearly states, whenever there is a vacancy in one of the Court's created by the Constitution itself, the Supreme Court of the United States, the president ''shall'' — not may — the president ''shall'' appoint someone to fill the vacancy with the advice and consent of the United States Senate. And advice and consent includes consulting and voting!
** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?407189-1/vice-president-biden-remarks-supreme-court-confirmation-process Speech] (24 March 2016) quoted in [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/bronsonstocking/2020/09/19/watch-biden-says-biden-rule-doesnt-exist-n2576509 WATCH: Biden Says Biden Rule Doesn't Exist (19 September 2020), Bronson Stocking, ''Townhall'']

* Israel will not get everything it asks for... I firmly believe that the actions that Israel's government has taken over the past several years — the steady and systematic expansion of settlements, the legalization of outposts, land seizures — they're moving us, and, more importantly, they're moving Israel in the wrong direction
** {{citation|date=2016-04-19|title=US feels 'overwhelming frustration' with Israeli government, says Biden|periodical=The Guardian|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/19/joe-biden-us-overwhelming-frustration-israeli-government}}

==== 2017 ====

----

{{Longquote|
This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren't allowed to—it was a 3-meter board. 

And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there... And Corn Pop was a bad dude. And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And back in those days—to show how things have changed—one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap. And so he was up on the board and wouldn't listen to me.

I said, &quot;Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I'll come up and drag you off.&quot; Well, he came off, and he said, &quot;I'll meet you outside...&quot; My car was mostly, these were all public housing behind us, my car—there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And he said, &quot;I'll be waiting for you.&quot; He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.

There was a guy named Bill Wright the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, &quot;What am I gonna do?&quot; And he said. &quot;Come down here in the basement, where all the mechanics—where all the pool builder is.&quot; You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain, and folded it up and he said, &quot;You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, 'you may cut me man, but I'm gonna wrap this chain around your head.'&quot; I said, &quot;You're kidding me.&quot; He said, &quot;No if you don't, don't come back.&quot; And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang 'em on the curb, gettin' em rusty, puttin' em in the rain barrel, gettin' em rusty? And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, &quot;First of all,&quot; I said, &quot;when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I'll kick you out again, but I shouldn't have called you [[Esther Williams]], and I apologize for that. I apologize.&quot; But I didn't know that apology was gonna work. He said, &quot;you apologize to me?&quot; I said, &quot;I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.&quot; He said, &quot;OK,&quot; closed that straight razor, and my heart began to beat again.
}}
::* &quot;Corn Pop&quot; speech at Joseph R. Biden Jr. Aquatic Center in Wilmington, Delaware, [https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/local/2017/06/26/wilmington-names-pool-after-joe-biden-former-lifeguard/408917001/ 26 June 2017 Delaware Online]. Transcript courtesy [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-recounts-bizarre-razor-and-chain-showdown-with-bad-dude-gang-leader-cornpop 15 September 2019 Fox News]{{Better source needed}}

----

==== 2018 ====

* You know, shortly after I graduated in '68, Kent State, 17 kids shot dead. And so, the younger generation now tells me how tough things are—give me a break! No, no, I have no empathy for it. Give me a break. Because here's the deal, guys—we decided we were going to change the world, and we did. We did. We finished the civil rights movement to the first stage. The women's movement came into being. So my message is &quot;Get involved.&quot;
** &quot;Ideas Exchange&quot; at Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles, {{#formatdate:2018-01-10}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-05-07|title=Did U.S. Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Say He Had 'No Empathy' for the Plight of Younger People?|author=Dan MacGuill|periodical=Snopes.com|url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/joe-biden-no-empathy/}}

* I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee [for [[Ukraine]]]. And I had gotten a commitment from [[Petro Poroshenko|Poroshenko]] and from [[w:Arseniy Yatsenyuk|Yatsenyuk]] that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn't... So they said they had — they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah... we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said — I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars... I looked at them and said: I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid.
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXA--dj2-CY Speech at the Council on Foreign Relations] (Jan. 23, 2018), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-10-09|title=Does a C-SPAN Video Show Joe Biden 'Confessing to Bribery'?|author=Bethania Palma|periodical=Snopes.com|url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/c-span-video-joe-biden-ukraine/|accessdate=2020-03-12}} (For context, see [[Glenn Greenwald]] quotes below in [[Joe_Biden#Quotes_about_Biden|'quotes about']])

* Paul Ryan was correct when he did the tax code. What's the first thing he decided we needed to go after? Social Security and Medicare. We need to do something about Social Security and Medicare.
** Brookings Institution and Biden Foundation speech, {{#formatdate:2018-05-08}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-04-26|title=Biden Says He's the Workers' Candidate, But He Has Worked To Cut Medicare and Social Security|author=Branko Marcetic|periodical=In These Times|url=http://inthesetimes.com/article/21856/joe-biden-cut-medicare-social-security-retirement-age}}

==== 2019 ====

* What happened today to [[Jussie Smollett|@JussieSmollett]] must never be tolerated in this country. We must stand up and demand that we no longer give this hate safe harbor; that homophobia and racism have no place on our streets or in our hearts. We are with you, Jussie.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1090422326783606784 Twitter], {{#formatdate:29 January 2019}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-02-21|title=Jussie Smollett Supporters: Rooting for a 'Modern Lynching'|author=Larry Elder|periodical=RealClearPolitics|url=https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2019/02/21/jussie_smollett_supporters_rooting_for_a_modern_lynching_139531.html|accessdate=2020-03-12}}

* I'm sorry I didn't understand more. I'm not sorry for any of my intentions. I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I have never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman. So that's not the reputation I've had since I was in high school, for God's sake.
** Regarding allegations that he inappropriately violated women's space
** Quoted in {{citation|date=2019-04-05|title=Biden: 'I'm not sorry for anything that I have ever done'|author=Brett Samuels|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437582-biden-im-not-sorry-for-anything-that-i-have-ever-done}}

* The rest of the world is wondering what's going on... Eight years of this and I think we'll have a phenomenal dislocation occur around the world. I think you'll see the end of [[NATO]] and a whole range of other things...
** {{citation|date=2019-05-22|title=Joe Biden in Florida: Another four years of Trump will 'end NATO'|periodical=Miami Herald|url=https://www.tampabay.com/florida-politics/buzz/2019/05/22/joe-biden-in-florida-another-four-years-of-trump-will-end-nato/}}

* I mean, we may not want to demonize anybody who has made money. The truth of the matter is, you all, you all know, you all know in your gut what has to be done. We can disagree in the margins but the truth of the matter is it's all within our wheelhouse and nobody has to be punished. No one's standard of living will change, nothing would fundamentally change.
** Manhattan, {{#formatdate:18 June 2019}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2019-06-19|title=Joe Biden to rich donors: &quot;Nothing would fundamentally change&quot; if he's elected|author=Igor Derysh|periodical=Salon|url=https://www.salon.com/2019/06/19/joe-biden-to-rich-donors-nothing-would-fundamentally-change-if-hes-elected/}}

* Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
** {{citation|date=2019-08-09|title=Joe Biden Says 'Poor Kids' Are Just as Bright as 'White Kids'|author=Matt Stevens|periodical=New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/09/us/politics/joe-biden-poor-kids.html}}

* This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back, under fire, and the general wanted me to pin the Silver Star on him. I got up there- this is the God's honest truth, my word as a Biden. He stood at attention. I went to pin it on him. He said, &quot;Sir, I don't want the damn thing. Do not pin it on me, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died! He died!&quot;
** {{citation|date=29 August 2019|title=As he campaigns for president, Joe Biden tells a moving but false war story|author=Matt Viser and Greg Jaffe|periodical=Washington Post|url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/as-he-campaigns-for-president-joe-biden-tells-a-moving-but-false-war-story/2019/08/29/b5159676-c9aa-11e9-a1fe-ca46e8d573c0_story.html}}

* Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran with a bunch of bad boys.
** {{citation|date=16 September 2019|title=Why is everyone talking about Biden confronting a man called 'CornPop'?|author=Adam Gabbatt|url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/sep/16/corn-pop-joe-biden-story-what-happened-is-it-real-swimming-pool-confrontation}}

* You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? It would put 720 million women back in the workforce. It would increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy.
** {{citation|date=17 September 2019|title=Biden vows tax credit will put '720 million women' back in workforce|author=Joseph Wulfsohn|periodical=Fox News|url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/biden-gaffe-put-720-million-women-in-workforce}}{{Better source needed}}

* Putin knows that when I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over
** October 2019, quoted in {{citation|url=https://www.foxnews.com/media/social-media-users-dig-up-bidens-two-year-old-warning-putin-doesnt-want-him-to-be-president|title=Political commentators, journalists dig up Biden's old warnings Putin 'doesn't want' him to be president|author=Hanna Panreck|publisher=Fox News|date=February 22, 2022}}{{Better source needed}}

* Why should we allow people to have '''military-style''' weapons including pistols with nine-millimeter bullets and can hold '''ten or more''' rounds?
** [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/politics/speaking-at-the-house-of-amazon-joe-biden-gently-raises-companys-role-in-middle-class-job-losses prior to 15 November 2019 per Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner]

* If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the black community that have announced for me, because they know me.
** [https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb5wm8/biden-says-hes-from-the-black-community-7-moments-you-missed-from-the-democratic-debate 21 November 2019]

* You should vote for Trump. You should vote for Trump.
** {{citation|date=22 November 2019|title=Joe Biden tells activist, 'You should vote for Trump,' over criticism of Obama deportations|author=Jeanine Santucci|periodical=USA Today|url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2019/11/22/joe-biden-tells-immigration-activist-you-should-vote-trump/4273814002/}}

=== 2020 ===

==== January 2020 ====

* ''Joe Biden:'' You have to go vote for someone else. You're not going to vote for me in the primary.&lt;br&gt;''[[w:Ed Fallon|Ed Fallon]]:'' I'm going to vote for you in the general if you treat me right.&lt;br&gt;''Joe Biden:'' Yeah, I know. Well, I'm not.
** Iowa campaign appearance, {{#formatdate:2020-01-29}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-20|author=Austin Boatright|title=Joe Biden, We Don't Owe You Our Vote|periodical=Medium|url=https://medium.com/@austinboatright/joe-biden-we-dont-owe-you-our-vote-3607375e40dc}}

==== February 2020 ====

* You always love your dad.&lt;br&gt;You don't always like your dad sometimes.&lt;br&gt;But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that's the GREAT thing.&lt;br&gt;I want you to meet Finnegan.
** 2 February 2020, reported [https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-afs:Content:9596198679 21 October 2020 by Ali Swenson of AP News]

* 150 million people have been killed [by guns] since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt the gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars including Vietnam from that point on.
** 2020 South Carolina Democratic debate, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-25|title=Biden Says Over 150 Million Americans Killed by Gun Violence Since 2007, Which Would Be Half of U.S. Population|author=Jeffrey Martin|periodical=Newsweek|url=https://www.newsweek.com/biden-says-over-150-million-americans-killed-gun-violence-since-2007-which-would-third-us-1489115}}

* This is a guy (Chinese leader [[Xi Jinping]]) who doesn't have a democratic — with a small d — bone is his body. This is a guy who is a thug.
** 2020 Democratic Party presidential debates, {{#formatdate:2020-02-25}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-09-22|title=In Biden, China Sees an 'Old Friend' and Possible Foe|author=Steven Lee Myers and Javier C. Hernández|periodical=The New York Times|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/22/world/asia/biden-china-election-trump.html}}

* You ever been to a caucus? ''[audience member nods]'' No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
** Manchester, New Hampshire, {{#formatdate:2020-02-09}}, quoted in {{citation|title=Biden's &quot;lying dog-faced pony soldier&quot; moment, explained|author=Anna North|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2020/2/10/21131327/biden-dog-faced-pony-soldier-new-hampshire}}

* I had the great honor of meeting him. I had the great honor of being arrested with our UN Ambassador on the streets of Soweto, trying to get to see him on Robbens Island.
** Regarding [[Nelson Mandela]]
** campaign event, {{#formatdate:2020-02-11}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-04|title=Joe Biden's Pants on Fire claim about his arrest in South Africa|author=Amy Sherman|periodical=Politifact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/04/joe-biden/joe-bidens-pants-fire-claim-about-his-arrest-south/}}

==== March 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49554623748).jpg|thumb|You're full of shit. Now shush, shush. I support the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment — just like right now, if you yelled &quot;fire&quot;, that's not free speech. And from the very beginning — I have a shotgun, I have a 20-gauge, a 12-gauge. My sons hunt. Guess what? You're not allowed to own ''any'' weapon. I'm not taking your gun away, at all. You need 100 rounds?]]
:* We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created ... by the — you know — you know, the thing.
::* Texas, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-02|title='You know, the thing': Biden botches Declaration of Independence quote during campaign stop|author=Dominick Mastrangelo|periodical=Washington Examiner|url=https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/you-know-the-thing-biden-botches-declaration-of-independence-quote-during-campaign-stop}}

:* This guy can change the face of what we're dealing with, with regard to guns, assault weapons, with regard to dealing with climate change. And I'm just warning Amy: If I win, I'm coming for him.
::* Referring to [[Beto O'Rourke]]
::* Whataburger, Dallas, Texas, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-13|title=Video doesn't show Joe Biden promising to 'take away Americans' guns'|author=Madlin Mekelburg|periodical=PolitiFact|url=https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/mar/13/conservative-daily/joe-biden-not-adopting-beto-orourkes-mandatory-buy/}}

----

{{Longquote|
Lawrence O'Donnell: Let's flash forward. You're president. Bernie Sanders is still active in the Senate. He manages to get Medicare for All through the Senate, in some compromise version, the Elizabeth Warren version or other version. Nancy Pelosi gets a version of it through the House of Representatives. It comes to your desk. Do you veto it?

Joe Biden: I would veto anything that ''delays'' providing the security and the certainty of healthcare being available now.

If they got that through and by some miracle, there was an epiphany that occurred, and some miracle occurred that said OK, it's passed, then you got to look at the cost. And I want to know how did they find the $35 trillion? What is that doing?
}}
::* {{citation|date=2020-03-09|title=The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell|network=MSNBC}}

----

:* One of the things that I did early on in my career as a U.S. Senator was I was one of the sponsors of the Endangered Species Act. And one of the other things we've done is we in the state of Delaware set up the coastal zone legislation which means that they can't build any factories or anything within one mile of the estuary of the Delaware River and the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake.
::* Virtual town hall, {{#formatdate:2020-03-13}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-14|title=Joe Biden Falsely Says He Sponsored the Endangered Species Act|author=Jerry Lambe|periodical=Law &amp; Crime|url=https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/joe-biden-falsely-says-he-sponsored-the-endangered-species-act/}}

:* We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what. No matter what. We know what has to be done. We know you have to — you're tired of hearing the phrase, you got to flatten that curve where it's going up like this, people getting it, and then it comes down.
::* ''The View'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-24}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-03-24|title=Biden Claims Twice That 'No Matter What' the COVID Cure Will Make Things Worse|author=Johnathan Jones|periodical=The Western Journal|url=https://www.westernjournal.com/biden-claims-twice-no-matter-covid-cure-will-make-things-worse/}}

:* In every single crisis we have had that I have been around, going back to Jimmy Carter and the hostages all the way through to this moment, presidents' ratings have always gone up in a crisis, but that old expression, the proof is going to be in eating the pudding. What's it going to look like? 
::* [https://news.grabien.com/story-joe-biden-you-know-old-expression-proof-going-be-eating-pudd 29 March 2020]

==== April 2020 ====

* We cannot let this, we've never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy sakes second fiddle, way they, we can both have a democracy and elections and, at the same time, correct the public health.
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}

* I think it's close to criminal the way they're dealing with this guy. Not ''his'' conduct. The idea that this man stood up and said what had to be said, got it out that his troops, his Navy personnel were in danger. Look how many had the virus. I think he should have a commendation rather than be fired.
** Regarding the firing of [[w:Brett Crozier|Brett Crozier]]
** ''This Week with George Stephanopoulos'', ABC, {{#formatdate:2020-04-05}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-04-05|title=Biden says dismissal of aircraft carrier captain is 'close to criminal'|author=Justine Coleman|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/491213-biden-says-navy-firing-of-captain-is-close-to-criminal}}

* There are people who support the president because they like the fact that he is engaged in the politics of division. They really support the notion that, you know, all Mexicans are rapists and all Muslims are bad and ... dividing this nation based on ethnicity, race. This is the one of the few presidents who succeeded by deliberately trying to divide the country, not unite the country.
* The people who voted Republican last time ... who don't want to vote for Trump, whether they want to vote for me or not is a different story, but they don't want to vote for Trump, they're looking for an alternative and I think, I hope to God, I can provide that alternative ... I really mean it. I think there's a chance.
** Fundraiser, {{#formatdate:2020-04-15}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-04-16|title=Biden on if he can reach Trump's base: 'Probably not'|author=Jonathan Easley|periodical=The Hill|url=https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/493123-biden-on-if-he-can-reach-trumps-base-probably-not}}

==== May 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49385647696).jpg|thumb|If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.]]
* I wouldn't vote for me if I believed Tara Reade.
** Interview on the [[w:Joe Biden sexual assault allegation|sexual assault allegation]] regarding former staff worker Tara Reade, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-15|title=Biden Says Voters Who Believe Tara Reade 'Probably Shouldn't Vote For Me'|author=Elena Moore|periodical=Associated Press|url=https://www.npr.org/2020/05/15/856708004/biden-says-voters-who-believe-tara-reade-probably-shouldn-t-vote-for-me}}

* My wife Jill has a great expression. She's a doctor of Education and she's been a teacher for years and she'd say any country that out-educates us will out-compete us.&lt;br&gt;My dad used to say I don't expect the government to solve my problems but I expect them to understand my problems give me a fighting chance.
** {{citation|date=2020-05-21|title= Joe Biden Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED}}

* From the very beginning you weren't allowed to have certain weapons. '''You weren't allowed to own a cannon''' during the Revolutionary War as an individual.
** 21 May 2020 as reported [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jun/29/joe-biden/joe-bidens-dubious-claim-about-revolutionary-war-c/ 29 June 2020 by PolitiFact] and [https://www.wral.com/fact-check-biden-falsely-says-people-couldn-t-own-cannons-during-revolutionary-war/19170342/ 1 July 2020 by WRAL]

* If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
** Interview with African American radio host Charlamagne tha God on &quot;The Breakfast Club&quot;, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-05-22|title=Joe Biden, in testy interview, says 'you ain't black' if you're undecided over him vs. Trump|author=Nicholas Wu|periodical=USA TODAY|url=https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/05/22/biden-you-aint-black-if-you-cant-decide-between-trump-and-biden/5242706002/}}

==== June 2020 ====

* Because we also have to fundamentally change the way police are trained. [...] And the idea that instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there's an unarmed person coming at 'em with a knife or something, shoot 'em in the leg instead of in the heart. It's a very different thing. There's a lot of different things that can change.
** Bethel AME Church, Wilmington, Delaware, {{#formatdate:2020-06-01}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-06-02|author=Emily Jacobs|title=Biden: Officers should train to shoot attackers 'in the leg instead of the heart'|periodical=New York Post|url=https://nypost.com/2020/06/02/biden-suggests-officers-shoot-in-the-leg-rather-than-to-kill/}}{{Better source needed}}

==== July 2020 ====

:* When it comes to COVID-19, after months of doing nothing, other than predicting the virus would disappear or maybe, if you drank bleach, you may be okay, Trump has simply given up.
::* [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-unveils-1st-portion-build-back-economic-plan/story?id=71681986 9 July 2020] regarding [[Donald Trump]]'s April 2020 citation of [[William Bryan]]'s research regarding disinfectants: Trump never specified using bleach or ingesting it

----

{{Longquote|
There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis.

Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival... We are an economy in crisis but with an incredible opportunity: To not just rebuild back to where we were before, but better, stronger, more resilient and more prepared to the challenges that lie ahead... These aren't pie-in-the-sky dreams. These are actionable policies that we can get to work on right away... Nothing's a hoax. Nothing's a hoax about that. It's a very serious subject. 

I want clean air. I want clean water.

I want the cleanest air, want the cleanest water. 

The environment is very important to me.
}}

----

:* Quoted in {{citation|date=2020-07-14|url=https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/|title=Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda|author=Ebony Bowden|periodical=New York Post}}{{Better source needed}}

==== August 2020 ====
[[File:Joe Biden at McKinley Elementary School (49331527821).jpg|thumb|The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. These are images of Donald Trump's America ''today''. He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president. He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, he ''is'' president whether he knows it or not.]]

----

{{Longquote|
Trump and Pence are running on this and I find it fascinating, quote, &quot;You won't be safe in Joe Biden's America&quot;. And what's their proof? The violence we're seeing in Donald Trump's America. These are not images of some imagined &quot;Joe Biden America&quot; in the future. '''These are images of Donald Trump's America today.'''

He keeps telling you if only he was president, it wouldn't happen, if he was president.

He keeps telling us that if he was president, you'd feel safe. Well, '''he is president whether he knows it or not.''' And it ''is'' happening. It's getting worse and you know why. Because Donald Trump adds fuel to every fire.
}}
::* Campaign speech, Pittsburgh, {{#formatdate:2020-08-31}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2020-08-31|title=Biden paints Trump as someone who 'sows chaos rather than providing order'|author=Averi Harper, Beatrice Peterson, and Libby Cathey|periodical=ABC News|url=https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-paintstrump-sows-chaos-providing-order/story?id=72726114}}

----

==== September 2020 ====

[[File:Joe Biden (49560005542).jpg|thumb|If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be — it's estimated that 200 thousand people have died — probably by the time I finish this talk.]]

* '''And, by the way, the 200,000 people that have died on his watch, how many of those have survived?'''
** During the first presidential debate (29 September 2020), [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-joe-biden-1st-presidential-debate-transcript-2020 Donald Trump &amp; Joe Biden 1st Presidential Debate Transcript (September 29, 2020), ''Rev'']

* He talked about how nothing was going to defeat him. How whether he walked again or not, he was not going to give up.
** Referring to [[Jacob Blake]] after their fifteen-minute phone call.
*** [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/joe-biden-wisconsin-trip/index.html Biden's trip to Wisconsin (September 3, 2020), ''[[w:CNN|CNN]]'']

==== October 2020 ====

----

{{Longquote|
220,000 deaths.
If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this:
: '''Anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain President of the United States.'''
}}
:* 22 October 2020 [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1319446692236791814 tweet] about [[Donald Trump]]
::* as of [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59645307 December 2021]

----

==== November 2020 ====

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I know how deep and hard the opposing views are in our country on so many things. But I also know this as well. To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. '''We are not enemies. What brings us together as Americans is so much stronger than anything that can tear us apart.'''

So let me be clear. I, we, are campaigning as a Democrats, but I will govern as an American president. '''The presidency itself is not a partisan institution. It's the one office in this nation that represents everyone and it demands a duty of care for all Americans.''' That is precisely what I will do. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me as I will for those who did vote for me.

Now, every vote must be counted. No one's going to take our democracy away from us, not now, not ever. America's come too far. America's fought too many battles. America's endured too much to ever let that happen.

'''We the people will not be silenced.'''

'''We the people will not be bullied.'''

'''We the people will not surrender.'''

My friends, I'm confident we'll emerge victorious. But this will not be my victory alone or our victory alone. '''It'll be a victory for the American people, for our democracy, for America.''' And there will be no blue states and red states when we win, just the United States of America.

God bless you all and may God protect our troops. Thank you.
}}}}

** [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-as-presidential-vote-count-continues-transcript-november-4 Public address as 2020 US Presidential Vote Count Continues&quot; (4 November 2020)]

----

===== Victory speech as US President-elect =====
[[File:Constitution &amp; Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Tonight, the whole [[world]] is watching America. I [[believe]] at our best America is a beacon for the globe. &lt;br&gt; And we lead not by the [[example]] of our [[power]], but by the power of our example.]]
: &lt;small&gt;Victory speech as US President-elect (7 November 2020), as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/sections/live-updates-2020-election-results/2020/11/07/932104693/biden-to-make-victory-speech-as-president-elect-at-8-p-m-et Hope, Healing And 'Better Angels': Biden Declares Victory And Vows Unity (7 November 2020), ''NPR'']&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
'''My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken.

They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for &quot;We the People.&quot; '''

We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation — 74 million.

I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me.

I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide, but to unify.

Who doesn't see Red and Blue states, but a United States.

And who will work with all my heart to win the confidence of the whole people.

For that is what America is about: The people. And that is what our Administration will be about.

I sought this office to restore the soul of America.

To rebuild the backbone of the nation — the middle class.

To make America respected around the world again and to unite us here at home.

It is the honor of my lifetime that so many millions of Americans have voted for this vision.

And now the work of making this vision real is the task of our time.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''I am proud of the campaign we built and ran. I am proud of the coalition we put together, the broadest and most diverse in history.'''

Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Progressives, moderates and conservatives. Young and old. Urban, suburban and rural. Gay, straight, transgender. White. Latino. Asian. Native American. And especially for those moments when this campaign was at its lowest — the African American community stood up again for me. They always have my back, and I'll have yours.

'''I said from the outset I wanted a campaign that represented America, and I think we did that. Now that's what I want the administration to look like.'''

And to those who voted for President Trump, I understand your disappointment tonight.

I've lost a couple of elections myself. But now, let's give each other a chance.

'''It's time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again.''' To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans. 

The Bible tells us that to everything there is a season — a time to build, a time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to heal. 

This is the time to heal in America.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''Americans have called on us to marshal the forces of [[decency]] and the forces of [[fairness]]. To marshal the forces of science and the forces of hope in the great battles of our time.'''

 The battle to control the virus. The battle to build prosperity. The battle to secure your family's health care. The battle to achieve racial justice and root out systemic racism in this country. The battle to save the climate. The battle to restore decency, defend democracy, and give everybody in this country a fair shot.

'''Our work begins with getting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID]] under control. We cannot repair the economy, restore our vitality, or relish life's most precious moments — hugging a grandchild, birthdays, weddings, graduations, all the moments that matter most to us — until we get this virus under control.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I ran as a proud Democrat. I will now be an American president. I will work as hard for those who didn't vote for me — as those who did.

Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now.

The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It's a decision. It's a choice we make.

And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate.

That's the choice I'll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me.

The American story is about the slow, yet steady widening of opportunity.

Make no mistake: Too many dreams have been deferred for too long.

We must make the promise of the country real for everybody — no matter their race, their ethnicity, their faith, their identity, or their disability.

}}

----

{{Longquote|
We stand again at an inflection point.

We have the opportunity to defeat despair and to build a nation of prosperity and purpose.

We can do it. I know we can. 

'''I've long talked about the battle for the soul of America.

We must restore the soul of America.

Our nation is shaped by the constant battle between our better angels and our darkest impulses.

It is time for our better angels to prevail.
Tonight, the whole world is watching America. I believe at our best America is a beacon for the globe. And we lead not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''Now, together — on eagle's wings — we embark on the work that [[God]] and [[history]] have called upon us to do. With full hearts and steady hands, with faith in America and in each other, with a love of country — and a thirst for justice — let us be the nation that we know we can be.

A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed.

 The United States of America.'''

God bless you.

And may God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== December 2020 ====

* My dad used to say, &quot;Joey, I don't expect the government to solve my problems. But I expect it to understand my problems.&quot;&lt;br&gt;Folks out there aren't looking for a handout — they just need help. They're in trouble through no fault of their own, and they need us to understand.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1335346208106291206 Official Twitter account of Joe Biden], {{#formatdate:5 December 2020}}

* If we cannot make significant progress on racial equity, this country is doomed. It's doomed not just because of African Americans, but because by 2040, this country is going to be minority white European. You hear me? ... And you guys are going to have to starting [sic] working more with Hispanics.
* I also don't think we should get too far ahead ourselves on dealing with police reform in that, because they've already labeled us as being 'defund the police' anything we put forward in terms of the organizational structure to change policing — which I promise you, will occur.
* That's how they beat the living hell out of us across the country, saying that we're talking about defunding the police. We're not. We're talking about holding them accountable. We're talking about giving them money to do the right things. We're talking about putting more psychologists and psychiatrists on the telephones when the 911 calls through. We're talking about spending money to enable them to do their jobs better, not with more force, with less force and more understanding.
** Biden on a call with Civil Rights leaders on December 8, 2020. ''[https://theintercept.com/2020/12/10/biden-audio-meeting-civil-rights-leaders/ Inside Biden's Meeting with Civil Rights Leaders]'' (December 10, 2020). ''[https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2020/12/23/biden-did-not-say-country-doomed-because-african-americans/4034937001/ Fact check: Biden's 'country is doomed' quote is being taken out of context on social media]'' (December 23, 2020).

=== 2021 ===

==== January 2021 ====

* At this hour, our democracy's under unprecedented assault. Unlike anything we've seen in modern times. An assault on the citadel of liberty, the Capitol itself. An assault on the people's representatives and the Capitol Hill police, sworn to protect them. And the public servants who work at the heart of our Republic... Let me be very clear. The scenes of chaos at the Capitol do not reflect a true America. Do not represent who we are. What we're seeing are a small number of extremists dedicated to lawlessness. This is not dissent. It's disorder. It's chaos. It borders on sedition. And it must end now.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* The words of a president matter, no matter how good or bad that president is. At their best, the words of a president can inspire. At their worst, they can incite. Therefore, I call on [[President Trump]] to go on national television now to fulfill his oath and defend the Constitution and demand an end to this siege...Threatening the safety of elected officials, it's no protest. It's insurrection. The world's watching. Like so many other Americans, I am shocked and saddened that our nation, so long the beacon of light and hope for democracy, has come to such a dark moment...President Trump: Step up.
** [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/congress-electoral-college-vote-count-2021/index.html], CNN.com (January 6, 2021)

* We expect these additional 200 million doses to be delivered this summer. And some of it will come as early — begin to come in early summer, but by the mid — by the mid-summer, that this vaccine will be there. And the order — and that increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50 percent — from 400 million ordered to 600 million. This is enough vaccine to fully vaccinate 300 Americans by the end of the summer, beginning of the fall. But we want to make — look, that's — I want to repeat: It'll be enough to fully vaccinate 300 Americans to beat this pandemic — 300 million Americans.
** Biden speaking on vaccine distribution; as quoted in {{citation|date=January 26, 2021|periodical=whitehouse.org|url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-fight-to-contain-the-covid-19-pandemic/|title=Remarks by President Biden on the Fight to Contain the COVID-19 Pandemic}} 

===== Remarks by President Biden at Signing of an Executive Order on Racial Equity =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/01/26/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-on-racial-equity/ Remarks by President Biden at Signing of an Executive Order on Racial Equity (January 26, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We have never fully lived up to the founding principles of this nation, to state the obvious, that all people are created equal and have a right to be treated equally throughout their lives. '''And it's time to act now, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because if we do, we'll all be better off for it.'''

:* Housing is a right in America, and homeownership is an essential tool to wealth creation and to be passed down to generations.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
In my campaign for President, I made it very clear that the moment had arrived as a nation where we face deep racial inequities in America and system — systemic racism that has plagued our nation for far, far too long.

I said it over the course of the past year that the blinders had been taken come off the nation of the [[America|American people]]. What many [[America|Americans]] didn't see, or had simply refused to see, couldn't be ignored any longer.

'''Those 8 minutes and 46 seconds that took George Floyd's life opened the eyes of millions of Americans and millions of people around — all over the world. It was the knee on the neck of justice, and it wouldn't be forgotten. It stirred the conscience of tens of millions of Americans, and, in my view, it marked a turning point in this country's attitude toward racial justice.'''

When his six-years-old — six-year-old daughter, Gianna, who I met with when I met with the family — I leaned down to say hi to her, and she said — looked at me, and she said, &quot;Daddy changed the world.&quot; That's what Gianna said — his daughter. &quot;Daddy changed the world.&quot; And I believe she is right, not because this kind of injustice stopped — it clearly hasn't — but because the ground has shifted, because it's changed minds and mindsets, because it laid the groundwork for progress.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
Across nearly every faith, the same principles hold:
: '''We're all God's children; we should treat each other as we would like to be treated ourselves.'''

And this is time to act — and this time to act is because it's what the core values of this nation call us to do. And I believe the vast majority of Americans — Democrats, Republicans, and independents — share these values and want us to act as well.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
For too long, we've allowed a narrow, cramped view of the promise of this nation to fester.

You know, we've — we've bought the view that America is a zero-sum game in many cases: &quot;If you succeed, I fail.&quot; &quot;If you get ahead, I fall behind.&quot; &quot;If you get the job, I lose mine.&quot; [And m]aybe worst of all, &quot;If I hold you down, I lift myself up.&quot;

We've lost sight of what President Kennedy told us when he said, &quot;A rising tide lifts all boats.&quot; And when we lift each other up, we're all lifted up.

You know, and the corollary is true as well:
: '''When any one of us is held down, we're all held back.'''

More and more economic studies in recent years have proven this, but I don't think you need economic studies to see the truth.

Just imagine if instead of consigning millions of American children to under-resourced schools, we gave each and every three and four-year-old child a chance to learn, to go to school — not daycare, school — and grow and thrive in school and throughout. When they've done that — the places it's been done, it shows they have an exponentially greater chance of going all the way through 12 years of school and doing it well.

But, you know, does anyone — does anyone in this whole nation think we're not all better off if that were to happen?

* Just imagine if instead of denying millions of Americans the ability to own a home and build generational wealth — who made it possible for them buy a home, their first home — and begin to build equity to provide for their families and send their children off to school, does anyone doubt that the whole nation will be better off?

* Just imagine: Instead of denying millions of young entrepreneurs the ability to access capital, we made it possible to take their dream to market, create jobs, reinvest in their own communities. Does anyone doubt this whole nation wouldn't be better off?

* Just imagine if more incredibly creative and innovative — how much more creative and innovative we'd be if this nation held — held the historic black colleges and universities to the same opportunities — and minority-serving institutions — that had the same funding and resources of public universities to compete for jobs and industries of the future. You know, just ask the first HBCU graduate elected as Vice President if that's not true.

But to do this, I believe this nation and this government need to change their whole approach to the issue of racial equity. Yes, we need criminal justice reform, but that isn't nearly enough. We need to open the promise of America to every American. And that means we need to make the issue of racial equity not just an issue for any one department of government; it has to be the business of the whole of government.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[T]he simple truth is, our soul will be troubled as long as systemic racism is allowed to persist. We can't eliminate it if — it's not going to be overnight. '''We can't eliminate everything.'''

But it's corrosive, it's destructive, and it's costly. '''It costs every American, not just who have felt the sting of racial injustice. We are not just a nation of morally deprived because of systemic racism; we're also less prosperous, we're less successful, we're less secure.'''

So, we must change, and I know it's going to take time. But I know we can do it. And I firmly believe the nation is ready to change, but government has to change as well.

'''We need to make equity and justice part of what we do every day — today, tomorrow, and every day.'''
}}

----

===== Presidential Inaugural Address (2021) =====
: &lt;small&gt;[[s:Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address|Joe Biden's presidential inaugural address]], delivered 2021-01-20 in [[Washington, D.C.]]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
* [T]his is America′s day. '''This is democracy′s day''', a day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve.

Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew. And America has risen to the challenge. Today we celebrate the triumph, not of a candidate, but of a cause, the cause of democracy.

The people, the will of the people, has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded.

We′ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
}}}}
::* As quoted by [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/01/20/democracys-day-joe-biden-sworn-46th-president-united-states &quot;This Is Democracy's Day&quot;: Joe Biden Sworn In as 46th President of the United States (January 20, 2021), ''[[w:Common Dreams|Common Dreams]]'']

::* [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2021/jan/20/this-is-democracys-day-joe-biden-urges-unity-in-inaugural-address-video &quot;This is democracy's day&quot;: Joe Biden urges unity in inaugural address – video (January 20, 2021), ''[[w:Guardian Media Group|The Guardian]]'']

----

{{Longquote|
[T]he American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the people, who seek a more perfect union.

This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we′ve come so far, but we still have far to go.

We′ll press forward with speed and urgency, for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build, and much to gain.

Few people in our nation′s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we′re in now.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
In another January, on New Year′s Day in 1863, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the emancipation proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, &quot;if my name ever goes down into history, it′ll be for this act, and my whole soul is in it.&quot; &quot;My whole soul is in it.&quot; Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this: bringing America together, uniting our people, uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.

Uniting to fight the foes we face, anger, resentment and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness. With unity, we can do great things, important things.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days.

I know that the forces that divide us are deep and they are real. But I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we all are created equal, and the harsh ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart.

The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured. Through civil war, the great depression, World War, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifices, and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity.

We can see each other, not as adversaries, but as neighbors.

We can treat each other with dignity and respect.

We can join forces, stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.

For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury. No progress, only exhausting outrage. No nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America. If we do that, I guarantee you, we will not fail. We have never, ever, ever, ever failed in America when we′ve acted together.

And so today, at this time, in this place, let′s start afresh, all of us. Let′s begin to listen to one another again.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation.

I understand they worry about their jobs.

'''I understand like my dad, they lay in bed wondering, can I keep my health care, can I pay my mortgage. Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you, I get it.'''

But the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don't look like you or worship the way you do or don't get their news from the same source as you do. We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts.

If we show a little tolerance and humility, and if we are willing to stand in the other person′s shoes—as my mom would say—just for a moment, stand in their shoes. Because here′s the thing about life: there′s no accounting for what fate will deal you.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation. And I promise you this. As the Bible says, &quot;weep, ye may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.&quot; We will get through this together. Together.

Look, folks, all my colleagues that I served with in the house and the senate up here, we all understand, the world is watching, watching all of us today. So here′s my message to those beyond our borders.

: ''America has been tested, and we′ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again. Not to meet yesterday′s challenges, but today′s and tomorrow′s challenges.''

And we′ll lead not merely by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. We′ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.

}}

----

{{Longquote|
Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth. A raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis. America′s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways. But the fact is, we face them all at once. Presenting this nation with one of the gravest responsibilities we′ve had. Now we′re going to be tested.

Are we going to step up, all of us? It′s time for boldness, for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you, we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era. We will rise to the occasion, is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour?
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[T]ogether we shall write an American story of hope, not fear.

Of unity, not division.

Of light, not darkness.

A story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.

May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history, we met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice, did not die on our watch, but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again as a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forebears, one another, and generations to follow.

So, with purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, and devoted to one another and the country we love with all our hearts.

May God bless America and may God protect our troops. Thank you, America.
}}

----

==== February 2021 ====

----

{{Longquote|
From coast to coast, we face so many diverse and complicated challenges, and yet, when I was Second Lady and in my travels across the country over the last few years, I’ve seen again and again that there is one challenge that unites us all. One thread of pain that runs through every community, North and South, rich and poor, in the best of times and the depths of this pandemic:
{{center|'''Cancer.'''}}

The first time I heard the diagnosis for someone I loved, I was in my early 40s. And the year it happened, not one, but four of my friends found out they had breast cancer.

'''Cancer took the lives of both my parents.'''

My sister had to have an auto-stem cell transplant.

'''And then there was our son.'''

'''Cancer touches us all. And because of that, your work touches us all.'''
}}

::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/04/remarks-as-prepared-for-delivery-by-first-lady-jill-biden-in-a-virtual-visit-to-the-national-cancer-institute-on-world-cancer-day/ Remarks as Prepared for Delivery by First Lady Jill Biden in a Virtual Visit to the National Cancer Institute on World Cancer Day (February 4, 2021)]

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on America's Place in the World =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-americas-place-in-the-world/ Remarks by President Biden on America's Place in the World (February 4, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* And, by the way, I want you all to know in the press I was the Benjamin Franklin Professor of Presidential Politics at Penn. And I thought they did that because I was as old as he was, but I guess not.{{Humor inline}}

===== Remarks by President Biden on the More Than 500,000 American Lives Lost to COVID-⁠19 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-more-than-500000-american-lives-lost-to-covid-19/ Remarks by President Biden on the More Than 500,000 American Lives Lost to COVID-⁠19 (February 22, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We often hear people described as &quot;ordinary Americans.&quot; There's no such thing; '''there's nothing ordinary about them. The people we lost were extraordinary.''' They spanned generations. Born in America. Immigrated to America. But just like that, so many of them took final breath alone in America.

----

{{Longquote|
Each day, I receive a small card in my pocket that I carry with me in my schedule. It shows the number of Americans who have been infected by or died from COVID-19.

Today, we mark a truly grim, heartbreaking milestone: 500,071 dead. That's more Americans who have died in one year in this pandemic than in World War One, World War Two, and the Vietnam War combined. 

'''That's more lives lost to this virus than any other nation on Earth.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
But as we acknowledge the scale of this mass death in America, we remember each person and the life they lived.

'''They're people we knew. They're people we feel like we knew.'''

Read the obituaries and remembrances:
: The son who called his mom every night just to check in.
: The father's daughter who lit up his world.
: The best friend who was always there.
: The nurse — the nurse and nurses — but the nurse who made her patients want to live.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel, February 10, 2021 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/02/10/remarks-by-president-biden-to-department-of-defense-personnel/ Remarks by President Biden to Department of Defense Personnel (10 February 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* So often, our Armed Forces and the Department of Defense staff are how the rest of the world encounters America. And you all know as well as anyone that '''our country is safer and stronger when we lead not just with the example of our power, but with the power of our example.'''

:* As your Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to use force to defend the vital interests of the American people and our allies around the world when necessary. The central, indispensable mission of the Department of Defense is to deter aggression from our enemies and, if required, to fight and win wars to keep America safe.

:* I believe force should be a tool of last resort, not first. I understand the full weight of what it means to ask young, proud Americans to stand in the breach. As was referenced by the Secretary, my son Beau served in Iraq for a year. I'm the first President in 40 years, I'm told, who had a son or daughter who served in a warzone. So I know what it's like. Being Commander-in-Chief is an enormous responsibility and one that I will never take lightly or easily.

:* I also know that you are essential to the work of our diplomacy — not only as the ultimate guarantor of our security, but as diplomats yourselves. 

:* You know, to the incredible individuals who serve in our Armed Forces: You are unquestionably part of the finest fighting force in the history of the world. You're warriors. The work you do each and every day is vital to ensuring the American people — your families, friends, and loved ones — are able to live in peace and security and growing prosperity. And for those of you who raise your hands and sign up to wear the uniform of the United States: We owe you an incredible debt. 

:* I've said for many years, less than one percent of Americans do what you do: put yourself on the line for the rest of the 99 percent of the Americans you represent. '''The 99 percent of us owe you. We owe it to you to keep the faith with our sacred obligation to properly prepare and equip you when we send you into harm's way, and to care for you and your families, both while you are deployed and after you return home.''' You're incredible heroes and incredible patriots. I will never, ever dishonest you — dishonor you. I will never disrespect you. I will never politicize the work you do. That goes for our civilian professionals as well as the career military.

:* It's on all of us to stand up, to speak out when you see someone being abused. This is an organization that's defined American — excuse me, defeated American enemies on land, sea, and air, and been defined by the way we treat others.

:* I know this is the honor of my lifetime. The honor of my lifetime is to serve as your Commander-in-Chief.

----

{{Longquote|
February is Black History Month, as the Vice President pointed out.

Before we leave today, Vice President Harris and I are going to visit the hall honoring the long history of black Americans fighting for this country, even when their contributions were not always recognized or honored appropriately. But those contributions have nevertheless helped push our country toward greater equality. 

From the bravery of the free and enslaved descendants of Africans who fought with the colonial forces in our revolution; to the black regiments that joined to fight for the Union and for their own freedom in the Civil War; to the Buffalo soldiers, including Henry O. Flipper, the first African American graduate of West Point; and Cathay Williams, the first African American woman — Cathay — who enlisted in the United States Army. 
}}

----

==== March 2021 ====

* We will not shy away from engaging in the hard work to take on the damaging legacy of slavery and our treatment of Native Americans, or from doing the daily work of addressing systemic racism and violence against Black, Native, Latino, Asian American and Pacific Islander, and other communities of color.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/03/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-the-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-racial-discrimination/ (21 March 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/05/remarks-by-president-biden-before-economic-briefing-with-treasury-secretary-yellen/ Remarks by President Biden Before Economic Briefing with Treasury Secretary Yellen (March 5, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* All of those empty storefronts aren't just shattered dreams, they're warning lights that are going off and state and local budgets that are being stretched because of the lack of tax revenue.

* [S]ome of last month's job growth is a result of the December relief package. But without a rescue plan, these gains are going to slow. We can't afford one step forward and two steps backwards. We need to beat the virus, provide essential relief, and build an inclusive recovery.

==== April 2021 ====

* There's no reason someone needs a weapon of war with '''100 rounds''', 100 bullets, that can be fired from that weapon. Nobody needs that, nobody needs that
** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/547162-biden-calls-for-ban-on-assault-weapons-and-high-capacity-magazines 8 April 2021]

* The murder of George Floyd launched a summer of protest we hadn't seen since the Civil Rights era in the '60s — protests that unified people of every race and generation in peace and with purpose
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/20/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-verdict-in-the-derek-chauvin-trial-for-the-death-of-george-floyd/ 20 April 2021]

[[File:President Joe Biden at the Leaders Summit on Climate (01).jpg|thumb|Within our [[Global warming|climate]] response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up. ([https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ Speech at the Virtual Leaders Summit on Climate] April 22, 2021)]]
* [W]hen people talk about [[Global warming|climate]], I think jobs. Within our climate response lies an extraordinary engine of [[w:Full employment|job creation]] and [[w:Economic growth|economic opportunity]] ready to be fired up.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-virtual-leaders-summit-on-climate-opening-session/ 22 April 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Way Forward in Afghanistan =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/14/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-way-forward-in-afghanistan/ Remarks by President Biden on the Way Forward in Afghanistan (April, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
I believed that our presence in Afghanistan should be focused on the reason we went in the first place: to ensure Afghanistan would not be used as a base from which to attack our homeland again. '''We did that. We accomplished that objective.'''

I said, among — with others, we'd follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell if need be. That's exactly what we did, and we got him. It took us close to 10 years to put President Obama's commitment to — into form. And that's exactly what happened; Osama bin Laden was gone.

'''That was 10 years ago. Think about that. We delivered justice to bin Laden a decade ago''', and we've stayed in Afghanistan for a decade since. Since then, our reasons for remaining in Afghanistan are becoming increasingly unclear, even as the terrorist threat that we went to fight evolved.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Russia =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/04/15/remarks-by-president-biden-on-russia/ Remarks by President Biden on Russia (April 15, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Russia[ns] and Americans are both proud and patriotic people. And I believe the Russian people, like the American people, are invested in peaceful and a secure future of our world.

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/03/23/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-shooting-in-boulder-colorado/ Remarks by President Biden on the Shooting in Boulder, Colorado (March 23, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* I just can't imagine how the families are feeling — the victims whose futures were stolen from them, from their families, from their loved ones who now have to struggle to go on and try to make sense of what's happened.

==== May 2021 ====

* I'm especially honored to share the stage with Brittney, and Jerdan, and Nathan, and Margrit Katherine. I love those barrettes in your hair, man. I tell you what — and look at her; she looks like she's nineteen years old, sitting there with her — like a little lady with her legs crossed. 
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/28/remarks-by-president-biden-addressing-service-members-and-their-families/ 28 May 2021]

===== Remarks by President Biden on a Future Made in America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/05/18/remarks-by-president-biden-on-a-future-made-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on a Future Made in America (May 18, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* My name is Joe Biden and I'm a car guy.

:* I want to say something else up front: I'm standing here because, about 180 years ago, when I first got elected to the Senate, the UAW elected me.

:* It's not labor; it's union. Because what you allow people do is hold their heads up, make a decent living, and have pride in what they do — pride in what you build, pride in what you give this nation.

----

{{Longquote|
Look, the future of the auto industry is electric. '''There's no turning back.''' And as Rory says, &quot;The American auto industry is at a crossroads.&quot;

And the real question is whether we'll lead or we'll fall behind in the race to the future; or whether we'll build these vehicles and the batteries that go in them here in the United States or rely on other countries; or whether the jobs to build these vehicles and batteries, that are good-paying union jobs with benefits — jobs that will sustain and grow the middle class. 

Right now, China is leading in this race. Make no bones about it; it's a fact.
}}

----

==== June 2021 ====

* This is not about trust. This is about self-interest and verification of self-interest.&lt;br&gt;The proof of the pudding is in the eating. We're going to know shortly.
** [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/06/16/biden-putin-geneva-494812 16 June 2021]

* The Second Amendment, from the day it was passed, limited the type of people who could own a gun and what type of weapon you could own. '''You couldn't buy a cannon.'''&lt;br&gt;Those who say the blood of lib- — &quot;the blood of patriots,&quot; you know, and all the stuff about how we're going to have to move against the government.&lt;br&gt;Well, the tree of liberty is not watered with the blood of patriots.&lt;br&gt;What's happened is that there have never been — if you wanted or if you think you need to have weapons to take on the government, '''you need F-15s and maybe some nuclear weapons'''.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/23/remarks-by-president-biden-and-attorney-general-garland-on-gun-crime-prevention-strategy/ 23 June 2021]

* The case for these investments is clear. Economists — left, right, and center — independent Wall Street forecasters, they all say that these kinds of public investments mean more jobs, more workers participating in the labor force, higher productivity, and higher growth for our economy over the long run.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-bipartisan-infrastructure-deal/ Remarks by President Biden on the Bipartisan Infrastructure Deal (June 24, 2021)]

==== July 2021 ====
*These steps will enhance our productivity — raising wages without raising prices. That won't increase inflation. It will take the pressure off of inflation, give a boost to our workforce, which leads to lower prices in the years ahead. So, if your primary concern right now is inflation, you should be even more enthusiastic about this plan. And as we promote — as we promote fair competition in our economy through the executive order I mentioned, it will drive down prices even further. 
**President [[Joe Biden]] [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/19/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-3/ Remarks by President Biden on the Economy], July 19, 2021 

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-drawdown-of-u-s-forces-in-afghanistan/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden on the Drawdown of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (8 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;
* The Afghan troops have 300,000 well-equipped — as well-equipped as any army in the world — and an air force against something like 75,000 Taliban.
* Do I trust the Taliban? No. But I trust the capacity of the Afghan military, who is better trained, better equipped, and more re — more competent in terms of conducting war.
* And the likelihood there's going to be one unified government in Afghanistan controlling the whole country is highly unlikely.
* But the likelihood there's going to be the Taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely.
* Keep in mind, as a student of history, as I'm sure you are, never has Afghanistan been a united country, not in all of its history. Not in all of its history.

===== Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy =====

:&lt;small&gt;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy, as quoted in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/07/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-promoting-competition-in-the-american-economy/ &quot;Remarks by President Biden At Signing of An Executive Order Promoting Competition in the American Economy&quot;, ''WhiteHouse.gov'' (9 July 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Capitalism without competition isn't capitalism; it's exploitation.

----

{{Longquote|
We're now 40 years into the experiment of letting giant corporations accumulate more and more power.

And what have we gotten from it?

: '''Less growth, weakened investment, fewer small businesses.'''

'''Too many Americans who feel left behind. Too many people who are poorer than their parents.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The heart of American capitalism is a simple idea: '''open and fair competition''' — that means that if your companies want to win your business, they have to go out and they have to up their game; better prices and services; new ideas and products. 

That competition keeps the economy moving and keeps it growing.

'''Fair competition is why capitalism has been the world's greatest force for prosperity and growth.'''
}}

----

==== August 2021 ====

* Those who have served through the ages have drawn [[inspiration]] from the book of [[Isaiah]], when [[God|the Lord]] says: &quot;Who shall I send, who shall go for us?&quot; [[United States|American]] military has been answering for a long time: &quot;Here I am, Lord send me. Here I am, send me.&quot; Each one of these [[women]] and [[men]] of our armed forces are the heirs of that [[tradition]] of [[sacrifice]] of [[volunteering]] to go in harm's way to risk everything — not for [[glory]], not for [[profit]] but to defend what we [[love]] and the [[people]] we love. And I ask that you join me now, in a moment of [[silence]], for all those, in uniform and out; beautiful military and civilians who have given the last full measure of [[devotion]].
** Remarks at new conference after explosions outside the Kabul airport in Afghanistan (26 August 2021) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzzbvqK2mZY Full news conference at &quot;Biden Speaks Following Explosions Outside Kabul Airport&quot;, ''NBC'' News (26 August 2021)]

* We're going to start mid-September, but we're considering the advice you've given that we should start earlier
** '''[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-27/biden-says-u-s-considering-starting-booster-shots-earlier-ksujzrim Biden Weighs Speeding Up Booster-Shot Timeline by 3 Months]''' (August 27, 2021)

===== Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-biden-speech-transcript-the-war-in-afghanistan-is-now-over Video and transcript (31 August 2021), ''Rev.com'']&lt;/small&gt;
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVP2BZtHd0 Video coverage (31 August 2021), ''[[w:CNBC|CNBC]]'', ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'']&lt;/small&gt;

:* The Taliban has made public commitments broadcast on television and radio across Afghanistan on safe passage for anyone wanting to leave, including those who worked alongside Americans. We don't take them by their word alone, but by their actions. And we have leverage to make sure those commitments are met.

----

{{Longquote|
'''Last night in Kabul, the United States ended 20 years of war in Afghanistan. The longest war in American history.'''

We completed one of the biggest air lifts in history with more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety. That number is more than double what most experts felt were possible. '''No nation, no nation has ever done anything like it in all of history, and only United States had the capacity and the will and ability to do it. And we did it today.'''

The extraordinary success of this mission was due to the incredible skill, bravely and selfless courage of the United States military and our diplomats and intelligence professionals. For weeks, they risked their lives to get American citizens, Afghans who helped us, citizens of our allies and partners and others onboard planes and out of the country. And they did it facing a crush of enormous crowds seeking to leave the country. They did it knowing ISIS-K terrorists, sworn enemies of the Taliban, were lurking in the midst of those crowds. And still, the women and men of the United States military, our diplomatic corps and intelligence professionals did their job and did it well. Risking their lives, not for professional gains, but to serve others. '''Not in a mission of war, but in the mission of mercy.'''

Twenty service members were wounded in the service of this mission, thirteen heroes gave their lives. I was just at Dover Air Force Base for the dignified transfer. We owe them and their families a debt of gratitude we can never repay, but we should never, ever, ever forget.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
In April, I made a decision to end this war. As part of that decision, we set the date of August 31st for American troops to withdraw. The assumption was that more than 300,000 Afghan National Security Forces that we had trained over the past two decades and equipped would be a strong adversary in their civil wars with the Taliban.

'''That assumption that the Afghan government would be able to hold on for a period of time beyond military draw down turned out not to be accurate. But, I still instructed our National Security Team to prepare for every eventuality, even that one, and that's what we did.'''

So we were ready, when the Afghan Security Forces, after two decades of fighting for their country and losing thousands of their own, did not hold on as long as anyone expected. We were ready when they and the people of Afghanistan watched their own government collapse and the president flee amid the corruption of malfeasance, handing over the country to their enemy, the Taliban, and significantly increasing the risk to us personnel and our allies.

As a result, to safely extract American citizens before August 31st, as well as embassy personnel, allies, and partners, and those Afghans who had worked with us and fought alongside of us for 20 years, I had authorized 6,000 troops, American troops to Kabul to help secure the airport.

As General McKenzie said, this is the way the mission was designed. It was designed to operate under severe stress and attack and that's what it did. Since March, we reached out 19 times to Americans in Afghanistan with multiple warnings and offers to help them leave Afghanistan. All the way back as far as March.

After we started the evacuation 17 days ago, we did initial outreach and analysis and identified around 5,000 Americans who had decided earlier to stay in Afghanistan but now wanted to leave. Our operation Allie Rescue ended up getting more than 5,500 Americans out.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Let me be clear, leaving August the 31st is not due to an arbitrary deadline. It was designed to save American lives.

My predecessor, the Former President, signed an agreement with the Taliban to remove US troops by May the first, just months after I was inaugurated. It included no requirement that the Taliban work out a cooperative governing arrangement with the Afghan government. But it did authorize the release of 5,000 prisoners last year, including some of the Taliban's top war commanders among those who just took control of Afghanistan.

By the time I came to office the Taliban was in it's strongest military position since 2001, controlling or contesting nearly half of the country. The previous administration's agreement said that if we stuck to the May 1st deadline that they had signed on to leave by, the Taliban wouldn't attack any American forces. But if we stayed, all bets were off. So we were left with a simple decision, either through on the commitment made by the last administration and leave Afghanistan, or say we weren't leaving and commit another tens of thousands more troops going back to war. '''That was the choice, the real choice between leaving or escalating. I was not going to extend this forever war and I was not extending a forever exit.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The decision to end the military lift operation at that Kabul airport was based on the unanimous recommendation of my civilian and military advisors. The Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Chairman of the Joint chiefs of Staff and all the Service chiefs and the commanders in the field, their recommendation was that the safest way to secure the passage of the remaining Americans and others out of the country was to continue with 6,000 troops on the ground in harm's way in Kabul, but rather to get them out through non-military means.

In the 17 days that we operated in Kabul, after the Taliban seized power, we engage in an around the clock effort to provide every American the opportunity to leave. Our State Department was working 24/7 contacting and talking, and in some cases walking Americans into the airport. Again, more than 5,500 Americans were airlifted out. And for those who remain, we will make arrangements to get them out if they so choose. As for the Afghans, we and our partners have airlifted 100,000 of them, no country in history has done more to airlift out the residents of another country than we have done. We will continue to work to help more people leave the country who are at risk. '''We're far from done.'''
}}

----

* For now, I urge all Americans to join me in grateful prayer for our troops and diplomats and intelligence officers who carried out this mission of mercy in Kabul at a tremendous risk with such unparalleled results. An air-lift that evacuated tens of thousands. To a network of volunteers and veterans who helped identify those needing evacuation, guide them to the airport and provided them for their support along the way. We're going to continue to need their help. We need your help and I'm looking forward to meeting with you. And to everyone who is now offering or who will offer to welcome Afghan allies to their homes around the world, including in America, we thank you.

* I take responsibility for the decision. Now some say we should have started mass evacuation sooner and, &quot;Couldn't this have been done in a more orderly manner?&quot; I respectfully disagree. Imagine if we'd begun evacuations in June or July, bringing in thousands of American troops and evacuated more than 120,000 people in the middle of a civil war. There still would have been a rush to the airport, a breakdown in confidence and control of the government, and it still would have been a very difficult and dangerous mission. &lt;br&gt; The bottom line is there is no evacuation from the end of a war that you can run without the kinds of complexities, challenge and threats we faced. None. There are those who would say we should have stayed indefinitely, for years on end. They ask, &quot;Why don't we just keep doing what we were doing? Why do we have to change anything?&quot; The fact is, everything had changed.

* '''My predecessor had made a deal with the Taliban. When I came into office, we faced a deadline, May one. The Taliban onslaught was coming, we faced one of two choices. Follow the agreement of the previous administration, or extend to have more time for people to get out. Or send in thousands of more troops and escalate the war. &lt;br&gt; To those asking for a third decade of war in Afghanistan I ask, &quot;What is of vital national interest?&quot; In my view, we only have one. To make sure Afghanistan can never be used again to launch an attack on our homeland. Remember why we went to Afghanistan in the first place, because we were attacked by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda on September 11th, 2001, and they were based in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; We delivered justice to bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011 over a decade ago. Al-Qaeda was decimated. I respectfully suggest you ask yourself this question, &quot;If we've been attacked on September 11th, 2001 from Yemen, instead of Afghanistan, would we have ever gone to war in Afghanistan, even though the Taliban controlled Afghanistan in the year 2001?&quot; I believe the honest answer is no. That's because we had no vital interest in Afghanistan other than to prevent an attack on America's homeland and our friends, and that's true today.

* We succeeded in what we set out to do in Afghanistan over a decade ago, then we stayed for another decade. It was time to end this war. This is a new world. The terror threat has metastasized across the world, well beyond Afghanistan. We face threats from al-Shabab in Somalia, al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and the Arabian Peninsula, and ISIS attempting to create a caliphate in Syria and Iraq and establishing affiliates across Africa and Asia. &lt;br&gt; The fundamental obligation of a president, in my opinion, is to defend and protect America. Not against threats of 2001, but against the threats of 2021 and tomorrow. That is the guiding principle behind my decisions about Afghanistan. I simply do not believe that the safety and security of America is enhanced by continuing to deploy thousands of American troops and spending billions of dollars a year in Afghanistan. But I also know that the threat from terrorism continues in its pernicious and evil nature. But it's changed, expanded to other countries. Our strategy has to change too.

* We will maintain the fight against terrorism in Afghanistan and other countries. We just don't need to fight a ground war to do it. We have what's called Over The Horizon capabilities, which means we can strike terrorists and targets without American boots on the ground, or very few if needed. We've shown that capacity just in the last week. We struck ISIS-K remotely, days after they murdered 13 of our service members and dozens of innocent Afghans. And to ISIS-K, we are not done with you yet.

* '''As Commander in Chief I firmly believe the best path to guard our safety and our security lies in a tough, unforgiving, targeted, precise strategy that goes after terror where it is today, not where it was two decades ago.''' That's what's in our national interest. &lt;br&gt; Here's a critical thing to understand, the world is changing. We're engaged in a serious competition with China. We're dealing with the challenges on multiple fronts with Russia. We're confronted with cyber attacks and nuclear proliferation. We have to shore up America's competitiveness to meet these new challenges in the competition for the 21st century. We can do both, fight terrorism and take on new threats that are here now, and will continue to be here in the future. And there's nothing China or Russia would rather have, would want more in this competition than the United States to be bogged down another decade in Afghanistan. &lt;br&gt; '''As we turn the page on the foreign policy that has guided our nation in the last two decades, we've got to learn from our mistakes. To me there are two that are paramount. First, we must set missions with clear, achievable goals. Not ones we'll never reach.''' And second, I want to stay clearly focused on the fundamental national security interest of the United States of America.

* '''This decision about Afghanistan is not just about Afghanistan. It's about ending an era of major military operations to remake other countries.''' We saw a mission of counter-terrorism in Afghanistan, getting the terrorist and stopping attacks, morph into a counterinsurgency, nation building, trying to create a democratic cohesive and United Afghanistan. Something that has never been done over many centuries of Afghan's history. &lt;br&gt; Moving on from that mindset and those kinds of large scale troop deployments will make us stronger and more effective and safer at home. And for anyone who gets the wrong idea, let me say clearly, to those who wish America harm, to those engage in terrorism against us our allies know this, the United States will never rest. We will not forgive, will not forget. We'll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and you will pay the ultimate price.

* Let me be clear, we'll continue to support the Afghan people through diplomacy, international influence and humanitarian aid. We'll continue to push for regional diplomacy engagement to prevent violence and instability. We'll continue to speak out for the basic rights of the Afghan people, especially women and girls. As we speak out for women and girls all around the globe. &lt;br&gt; And I've been clear that human rights will be the center of our foreign policy, but the way to do that is not through endless military deployments, but through diplomacy, economic tools and rallying the rest of the world for support.

* '''My fellow [[Americans]], the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|war in Afghanistan]] is now over.''' I'm the fourth [[President of the United States|president]] who has faced the issue of whether and when to [[end]] this war. When I was running for president, I made a commitment to the American people that I would end this war. Today, I've honored that commitment. It was [[time]] to be [[honest]] with the American people again. &lt;br&gt; We no longer had a clear [[purpose]] and an open-ended mission in [[Afghanistan]]. '''After 20 years of war in Afghanistan, I refuse to send another [[generation]] of America's sons and daughters to fight a war that should have ended long ago.'''

----

{{Longquote|
After more than $2 trillion spent in Afghanistan, a cost that researchers at Brown University estimated would be over $300 million a day for 20 years in Afghanistan, for two decades.

Yes, the American people should hear this, $300 million a day for two decades. You could take the number of $1 trillion, as many say. That's still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities?

I refuse to continue to war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people.

[...]

And most of all, after 800,000 Americans served in Afghanistan, I've traveled that whole country, brave and honorable service.

After 20,744 American service men and women injured.

And the loss of 2,461 American personnel, including 13 lives lost just this week.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
I refused to open another decade of warfare in Afghanistan.

We've been a nation too long at war.

If you're 20 years old today, you've never known an America at peace. So when I hear that we could have, should have continued the so-called &quot;low grade effort&quot; in Afghanistan, at low risk to our service members, at low costs.

I don't think enough people understand how much we've asked of the 1% of this country who put that uniform on.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
A lot of our veterans and our families have gone through hell.

'''Deployment after deployment, months and years away from their families''', missed birthdays, anniversaries, empty chairs at holidays, financial struggles, divorces, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress.

We see it in the struggles many have when they come home.

We see it in the strain on their families and caregivers.

We see it in the strain in their families when they're not there.

We see it in the grief born by their survivors.

'''The cost of war, they will carry with them their whole lives.''' Most tragically, we see in the shocking and stunning statistic that should give pause to anyone who thinks war can ever be low grade, low risk or low cost, 18 veterans on average who die by suicide every single day in America.

'''Not in a far off place, but right here in America.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
There is nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any war.

'''It's time to end the war in Afghanistan.'''

As we close 20 years of war and strife and pain and sacrifice, it's time to look at the future, not the past.

To a future that's safer, to a future that's more secure.

To a future the honors those who served and all those who gave what President Lincoln called, &quot;Their last full measure of devotion.&quot;

I give you my word, with all of my heart, I believe this is the right decision, a wise decision and the best decision for America. Thank you. Thank you, and may God bless you all. And may God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== September 2021 ====

:* Today, [[w:Texas Heartbeat Act|Texas law SB 8]] went into effect. This extreme Texas law blatantly violates the constitutional right established under [[Roe v. Wade]] and upheld as precedent for nearly half a century
:* My administration is deeply committed to the constitutional right established in Roe v. Wade nearly five decades ago and will protect and defend that right
::* [https://floridaphoenix.com/2021/09/01/texas-enforces-restrictive-abortion-ban-fl-advocates-say-its-part-of-a-national-agenda/ Texas enforces restrictive abortion ban; FL advocates say it's 'part of a national agenda' (September 1, 2021)]

:* Look, I don't want to punish anyone's success, but the wealthy have been getting a free ride at the expense of the middle class for too long. 
:* I intend to pass one of the biggest middle class tax cuts ever — paid for by making those at the top pay their fair share.
::* [https://whdh.com/news/democrats-look-to-tax-people-earning-more-than-400k-no-one-else-for-3-5-trillion-bill/ Democrats look to tax people earning more than $400K, '''no one else''' for $3.5 trillion bill (September 14, 2021)]

:* I give you my word as a Biden: If you make under $400,000 a year, I'll never raise your taxes one cent, but, I'm going to make those at the top start to pay their share. '''It's only fair.'''
::* [https://twitter.com/potus/status/1442284014363189248 Via ''[[Twitter]]'' (September 26, 2021)]

----

{{Longquote|
It's my honor to speak to you for the first time as [[President of the United States]].

We've lost so much to this devastating — this devastating [[pandemic]] that continues to claim lives around the world and impact so much on our existence.

We're mourning more than 4.5 million people — people of every nation from every background.
}}
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/21/remarks-by-president-biden-before-the-76th-session-of-the-united-nations-general-assembly/ Remarks by President Biden Before the 76th Session of the United Nations General Assembly (September 21, 2021)]

----

===== Remarks by President Biden While Receiving a COVID-⁠19 Booster Shot =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/27/remarks-by-president-biden-while-receiving-a-covid-19-booster-shot/ Remarks by President Biden While Receiving a COVID-⁠19 Booster Shot (September 27, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Now, I know it doesn't look like it, but I am over 65.

:* [L]et me be clear: Boosters are important, but the most important thing we need to do is get more people vaccinated.

----

{{Longquote|
'''The vast majority of Americans are doing the right thing.'''

Over 77 percent of adults have gotten at least one shot.

About 23 percent haven't gotten any shots, and that distinct minority is causing an awful lot of us an awful lot of damage for the rest of the country.

'''This is a pandemic of the unvaccinated.''' That's why I'm moving forward with vaccination requirements wherever I can.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
We know that to beat this pandemic and to save lives, to keep our children safe, our schools open, our economy going, we need to get folks vaccinated.

So, please — please do the right thing.

'''Please get the shots.'''

[I]t can save your life. '''It can save the lives of those around you.'''

And it's easy, accessible, and it's free.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Economy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/09/16/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-economy-4/ Remarks by President Biden on the Economy (September 16, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* That isn’t about raising their taxes. It’s about the super-wealthy finally beginning to pay what they owe — what the existing tax code calls for — just like hardworking Americans do all over this country every Tax Day.

:* Let’s not look backward, just trying to rebuild what we had. Let’s look forward, together, as one America — '''not to build back, but to build back better.'''

----

{{Longquote|
And I’ve said many times before: I believe we’re at an inflection point in this country — '''one of those moments where the decisions we’re about to make can change — literally change the trajectory of our nation for years and possibly decades to come.'''
 
Each inflection point in this nation’s history represents a fundamental choice. I believe that America, at this moment, is facing such a choice. And the choice is this: '''Are we going to continue with an economy where the overwhelming share of the benefits go to big corporations and the very wealthy? Or are we going to take this moment right now to set this country on a new path — one that invests in this nation; creates real, sustained economic growth; and that benefits everyone, including working people and middle-class folks?'''
 
That’s something we haven’t realized in this country for decades.
 
The data is absolutely clear. '''Over the past 40 years, the wealthy have gotten wealthier''', and too many corporations have lost their sense of responsibility to their workers, their communities, and the country.
 
'''Just look at the facts. CEOs used to make about 20 times the average worker in the company that they ran. Today, they make more than 350 times what the average worker in their corporation makes.'''
 
Since the pandemic began, billionaires have seen their wealth go up by $1.8 trillion. That is, everyone who was a billionaire before the pandemic began, '''the total accumulated wealth beyond the billions they already had has gone up by $1.8 trillion. Simply not fair.'''
 
[H]ow is it possible that 55 of the largest corporations in this country paid zero dollars in federal income taxes? They made over $40 billion in the year 2020, and they’ve paid zero. '''Think about that. Zero dollars in federal taxes on $40 billion in profits.'''
 
'''How is it possible that the wealthiest billionaires in the country can entirely escape paying income tax on what they’ve made?'''
 
'''How is it possible for millionaires and billionaires that can pay a lower rate of tax than teachers, firefighters, or law enforcement officers?'''
 
Here’s the simple truth. '''For a long time, this economy has worked great for those at the very top, while ordinary, hardworking Americans — the people who built this country — have been basically cut out of the deal.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Our recovery is unique in the world. We’re the only developed country in the world whose economy is now bigger than it was before the pandemic.
 
While this is all good news, I know many Americans are still struggling to make it through each and every day.
 
For too many, it’s harder and harder to pay the bills — food, gas, rent, healthcare. '''I get it.''' We still have a long way to go to get the economy where it needs to be.
 
As I’ve said for a long time: Coming out of this economic crisis as deep as the one we were in was never going to be easy. '''But we’re doing it, and we can continue to do it.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
[I]n the midst of a pandemic that has already taken over 660,000 lives, I propose a requirement for COVID vaccines, and the governor of that state calls it, quote, '''a &quot;tyrannical-type move&quot;!? A &quot;tyrannical-type move&quot;!?'''
 
This is the worst kind of politics because it’s putting '''the lives of citizens of their states, especially children, at risk. And I refuse to give in to it.'''
 
These policies are what the science tells us we need to do. '''They’re going to save lives.''' And they’ll protect our economic recovery as well, and allow the economy to continue to grow.
}}

----

==== October 2021 ====

* We're going to get this done. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter whether it's in six minutes, six days, or six weeks.
** 1 October 2021

* Turn on the [[news]] and every conversation is a [[confrontation]]. Every [[w:disagreement|disagreement]] is a [[crisis]]. But when you take a step back and look at what's happening, we're actually making real [[progress]]. Maybe it doesn't seem fast enough
** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/biden-celebrates-drop-in-unemployment-even-as-job-growth-weakens-1.1663842 Biden Celebrates Drop in Unemployment Even as Job Growth Weakens (8 October 2021)]

* At least 55 corporations in America didn't pay a single penny in federal income tax last year. [And t]hat's got to change.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1452666011350614020 Via ''[[Twitter]]'' (October 25, 2021)]

===== Remarks by President Biden on the Need to Raise the Debt Ceiling =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/06/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-need-to-raise-the-debt-ceiling-2/ Remarks by President Biden on the Need to Raise the Debt Ceiling (October 6, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* We haven't failed to do that since our inception as a country. '''We need to act.''' These leaders know the need to act.

:* It's about paying for what we owe and preventing a catastrophic event occurring in our economy.

:* '''Today's discussion won't be partisan. It shouldn't be.''' Raising the debt limit is usually bipartisan.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
The United States pays its bill. It's who we are. It's who we've been. It's who we're going to continue to be, God willing. That's what's called the &quot;full faith and credit of the United States.&quot;
 
Let's be clear: Raising the debt limit is paying our old debts.

'''It has nothing to do with new spending or what may be coming this year or other years.'''

It has nothing to do with my plans on infrastructure or building back better, both of which are paid for but they're not even in — in the queue right now.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
The definition — and the Democrats, we have the votes.

The Democrats are willing to step up and stop this economic catastrophe if Senate Republicans will just get out of the way. But our Senate Republicans friends are planning to block the vote to raise the debt limit by using a procedural power called a &quot;filibuster.&quot;
 
To say that in plain English, it means you have to have 60 votes when there's a filibuster.

'''Sixty votes — a supermajority –- instead of fifty to get anything done. It's not right, and it's dangerous.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
My Republican friends need to stop playing Russian roulette with the U.S. economy.

If they don't want to do the job, just get out of the way.

We'll take the heat.

'''We'll do it.'''

'''We will do it.'''

Let us do it. Let the Democrats vote to raise the debt limit without obstruction or any further delays.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Now, in one cynical, destructive, partisan ploy — just for politics — our Republican friends are teetering on the brink here.

They're threatening to boot that all away.

Now it's a meteor headed to crash into our economy.

We should all want to stop it — stop it immediately.

'''This shouldn't be partisan.'''
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Anyway, there are five quick points I want to make:

* Number one is really a morality point: We all teach our children that we're supposed to meet our obligations. I don't think the nation should be any different.
 
* Number two, we should never even get this close.

: There are huge economic costs already being borne by companies and lawyers trying to figure out what this means if something like this ever happens.

: It's already affecting the stock market, et cetera, as you've heard from some of the folks here.
 
* Number three, we should get rid of the debt ceiling. We don't need to have this kind of brinkmanship every couple of years.
 
* Number four, an actual default — an actual default would be unprecedented.

: [T]he things we know that it would do are very bad. And it could be potentially far worse. The effects would be cascading. So, day one would be bad, but the cascading effects in the ensuing weeks could go anywhere from a recession to a complete catastrophe for the global economy.

: And I don't know why anyone would take a chance like that.
 
* And number five, America's role in the world is essential.

: '''We are the bedrock — the American Treasury is the bedrock. Our credibility, it — we're being watched right now by our allies and, unfortunately, our enemies.''' Our credibility is absolutely essential. Trust in America and the U.S. dollar and the financial system is critical to the world economy and eventually, actually, world peace.&lt;br&gt;

'''So this is a time I think we should show American competence, not American incompetence.'''
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Restoring Protections for National Monuments =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/08/remarks-by-president-biden-on-restoring-protections-for-national-monuments/ Remarks by President Biden on Restoring Protections for National Monuments (October 8, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
When I was running for office — and I'm going to — I'm embarrassed I can't remember exactly which state I was in — but a gentleman and I think it was his wife and a little girl said, &quot;Could I...&quot; — the little girl said, &quot;Could I talk to you?&quot; And she had this — I couldn't tell — understand what she had in her hand; it looked it a teddy bear or something. And she said, &quot;Can I talk to you, Mister?&quot; She wasn't sure what to call me because I wasn't elected yet — &quot;Mr. President&quot; or &quot;Mr. Vice President.&quot; 

I said, &quot;Sure. What's the matter, honey?&quot; She said, &quot;I want to give you something. I want to give you some bears ears.&quot; And I looked at her. And she gave me this little set of bears ears. She said, &quot;You've got to promise me. You've got to promise me you'll protect the Bears Ears.&quot; And I'm thinking, &quot;What the heck is...&quot; I mean, at the time — I knew Bears Ears, but I just didn't quite get it. 

She said — and her dad said, &quot;You know, the national park.&quot; I said, &quot;Oh, yeah.&quot; She said — and she — one look, she said, &quot;You pwromise?&quot; &quot;You pwromise?&quot; And I pwromised. And it's easiest promise that I've made in a long time.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
Alaska is pretty big. There's an awful lot we need to protect. But that's why I'm working to protect Bristol Bay from mining operations that would threaten one of the world's largest salmon runs. 

That's why I'm refusing to sell out the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil and gas drilling.

These protections provide a bridge to our past, but they also build a bridge to a safer, more sustainable future — one where we strengthen our economy and pass on a healthy planet to our children and our grandchildren.
}}

----

===== Remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/10/21/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-10th-anniversary-celebration-of-the-dedication-of-the-dr-martin-luther-king-jr-memorial/ Remarks by President Biden at the 10th Anniversary Celebration of the Dedication of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial (21 October 2021)]&lt;/small&gt; 

* '''In our nation, we now face an inflection point in the battle, literally, for the soul of America. And it's up to us, together, to choose who we want to be and what we want to be.''' &lt;br&gt; I know — I know the progress does not come fast enough. It never has. And the process of governing is frustrating and sometimes dispiriting. But I also know what's possible if we keep the pressure up, if we never give up, if we keep the faith.

* In our time, it's about recognizing that for much too long we've allowed a narrowed and cramped view of the promise of America — a view that America is a zero-sum game, particularly of the recent past. &quot;If you succeed, I fail.&quot; &quot;If you get ahead, I fall behind.&quot; And maybe worst of all, &quot;If I can hold you down, I lift myself up.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Instead of what it should be — and it's just self-evident — &quot;If you do well, we all do well.&quot; That's keeping the promise of America.

* I've never seen a time when working folks did well that the wealthy didn't do very well. &lt;br&gt; Look, it's the core of our administration's economic vision, and it's a fundamental paradigm shift for this nation. For the first time in a couple generations, we're going to be investing in working families — putting them first and helping them get ahead, rather than the wealthy and the biggest and most powerful people out there. 

* '''To make real the full promise of America, we have to protect that fundamental right: the right to vote — the sacred right to vote.''' You know, it's democracy's threshold of liberty. With it, anything is possible. Without it, nothing is. &lt;br&gt; Today, the right to vote and the rule of law are under unrelenting assault from Republican governors, attorneys general, secretaries of state, state legislators. And they're following my predecessor — the last President — into a deep, deep black hole and abyss.

* '''Some state legislatures want to make it harder for you to vote. And if you do vote, they want to be able to tell you whether or not your vote counts. That's not happened before.''' &lt;br&gt; They want the ability to reject the final vote and ignore the will of the people if their preferred candidate — Black or white or Asian or Latino, doesn't matter — if that — if their candidate doesn't win. &lt;br&gt; And they're targeting not just voters of color, as I said, but every voter who doesn't vote the way they want. &lt;br&gt; I have to admit to you, having been as senator in my whole of 36-year career involved in — I worked with a lot of folks out here on civil rights issues — I thought, &quot;Man, you can't turn this back.&quot; I bet you could defeat hate. What if we could actually defeat hate? &lt;br&gt; But the most un-American thing that any of us can imagine — the most undemocratic and the most unpatriotic — and yet, sadly, not unprecedented. '''Time and again, we've witnessed threats to the right to vote in free and fair elections come to fruition. Each time, we fought back. And we've got to continue to fight back today.'''

* The U.S. Department of Justice has doubled the voting rights enforcement staff. &lt;br&gt; We got a long way to go though. It's using authorities to challenge the onslaught of state laws undermining voting rights, whether in old or new ways. &lt;br&gt; It's something like 20 percent of the Re- — or half the Republicans — the registered Republicans: I am not your President; Donald Trump is still your President. As we Catholics say, &quot;Oh, my God.&quot;

* '''I know the moment we're in; you know the moment we are in. I know the stakes; you know the stakes. This is far from over.''' &lt;br&gt; And finally, we're confronting the stains of what remains — the deep stain on the soul of the nation: hate and white supremacy [...] that hate never goes away. It never – I thought — in all of the years I've been involved, I thought once we got through it, it would go away. But it doesn't; it only hides. It only hides until some seeming-legitimate person breathes some oxygen under the rocks where they're hiding and gives it some breath.

----

{{Longquote|
I believe the American people — the vast majority — are with us. I think they see much more clearly what you've all been fighting for your whole lives now. It's in stark relief.

The bad news: We had a President who appealed to the prejudice.

The good news is that he took the — he ripped the Band-Aid off, made it absolutely clear what's at stake.

And '''I think the American people will follow us.'''

'''But guess what? Whether they will or not, we have no choice. We have to continue to fight.'''

[...]

God bless you all. May God protect our troops.
}}

----

==== November 2021 ====

*  [[Manchin|He]] will vote for this [[build back better|for this]] if we have in this proposal what he anticipated looking at the fine print .... I believe that Joe will be there
** [https://video.foxnews.com/v/6280030044001#sp=show-clips Warner on Manchin, DC deadlock and whether Biden is hurting Dems (Nov 2, 2021)]{{Better source needed}}

===== UN Climate Conference in Scotland, UK =====

[[File:President Joe Biden at COP26.jpg|thumb|When I talk to the American people about [[Global warming|climate change]], I tell them it's about [[w:Green job|jobs]]. It's about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].]]

:&lt;small&gt;Excerpts from [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/11/01/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-cop26-leaders-statement/ Remarks by President Biden at the COP26 Leaders Statement at whitehouse.gov (November 1, 2021)]&lt;/small&gt;

* [[Global warming|Climate change]] is already . . . [[w:Economic impacts of climate change|costing our nations trillions of dollars]] [and] we know that none of us can escape [[w:Effects of climate change|the worst that's yet to come if we fail to seize this moment]].

* But . . . within the growing catastrophe, I believe there's an [[w:Green growth|incredible opportunity . . . . We have the ability to invest in ourselves]] and build an equitable [[w:Sustainable energy|clean-energy]] future and in the process create [[w:Full employment|millions of good-paying jobs]] [while we] [[w:Environmental justice|create an environment that raises the standard of living]] around the world. 

* When I talk to the American people about climate change, I tell them it's about [[w:Green job|jobs]]. It's about workers [and the] communities that will [[w:Green economy|revitalize themselves around new industries and opportunities]].

* So, [[w:Climate change mitigation|let's get to work]].

==== December 2021 ====

* We are looking at a winter of severe illness and death [for the unvaccinated]
** '''[https://www.investing.com/news/coronavirus/omicron-delivers-another-uncertain-holiday-season-to-pandemicweary-americans-2714453 Omicron delivers another uncertain holiday season to pandemic-weary Americans (17 December 2021)]'''
* Look, there is no federal solution. This gets solved at a state level.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/12/27/remarks-by-president-biden-at-covid-19-response-teams-regular-call-with-the-national-governors-association/ Remarks by President Biden at COVID-⁠19 Response Team's Regular Call With the National Governors Association (27 December 2021)]

=== 2022 ===

==== January 2022 ====

===== Remarks to Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol =====

:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/01/06/remarks-by-president-biden-to-mark-one-year-since-the-january-6th-deadly-assault-on-the-u-s-capitol/ Remarks By President Biden To Mark One Year Since The January 6th Deadly Assault On The U.S. Capitol (6 January 2021)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQZokwAufM ''CNN'' video] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''To state the obvious, one year ago today, in this sacred place, democracy was attacked — simply attacked. The will of the people was under assault.''' The Constitution — our Constitution — faced the gravest of threats. &lt;br&gt; Outnumbered and in the face of a brutal attack, the Capitol Police, the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the National Guard, and other brave law enforcement officials saved the rule of law. &lt;br&gt; '''Our democracy held. We the people endured. And we the people prevailed. &lt;br&gt; For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. &lt;br&gt; But they failed. They failed. &lt;br&gt; And on this day of remembrance, we must make sure that such an attack never, never happens again.'''

* We've all heard the police officers who were there that day testify to what happened. One officer called it, quote, a ... &quot;medieval&quot; battle, and that he was more afraid that day than he was fighting the war in Iraq. &lt;br&gt; They've repeatedly asked since that day: How dare anyone — anyone — diminish, belittle, or deny the hell they were put through? &lt;br&gt; We saw it with our own eyes. Rioters menaced these halls, threatening the life of the Speaker of the House, literally erecting gallows to hang the Vice President of the United States of America. &lt;br&gt; But what did we not see? &lt;br&gt; We didn't see a former president, who had just rallied the mob to attack — sitting in the private dining room off the Oval Office in the White House, watching it all on television and doing nothing for hours as police were assaulted, lives at risk, and the nation's capital under siege. &lt;br&gt; '''This wasn't a group of tourists. This was an armed insurrection. &lt;br&gt; They weren't looking to uphold the will of the people. They were looking to deny the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; They ... weren't looking to uphold a free and fair election. They were looking to overturn one. &lt;br&gt; They weren't looking to save the cause of America. They were looking to subvert the Constitution.''' &lt;br&gt; This isn't about being bogged down in the past. This is about making sure the past isn't buried. &lt;br&gt; That's the only way forward. That's what great nations do. They don't bury the truth, they face up to it. Sounds like hyperbole, but that's the truth: They face up to it. &lt;br&gt; We are a great nation. 
* '''My fellow Americans, in life, there's truth and, tragically, there are lies — lies conceived and spread for profit and power. &lt;br&gt; We must be absolutely clear about what is true and what is a lie.''' &lt;br&gt; And here is the truth: The former president of the United States of America has created and spread a web of lies about the 2020 election. He's done so because he values power over principle, because he sees his own interests as more important than his country's interests and America's interests, and because his bruised ego matters more to him than our democracy or our Constitution. &lt;br&gt; '''He can't accept he lost, even though that's what 93 United States senators, his own Attorney General, his own Vice President, governors and state officials in every battleground state have all said: He lost. &lt;br&gt; That's what 81 million of you did as you voted for a new way forward. &lt;br&gt; He has done what no president in American history — the history of this country — has ever, ever done: He refused to accept the results of an election and the will of the American people.''' 
* While some courageous men and women in the Republican Party are standing against it, trying to uphold the principles of that party, too many others are transforming that party into something else. They seem no longer to want to be the party — the party of Lincoln, Eisenhower, Reagan, the Bushes. &lt;br&gt; But whatever my other disagreements are with Republicans who support the rule of law and not the rule of a single man, I will always seek to work together with them to find shared solutions where possible. Because if we have a shared belief in democracy, then anything is possible — anything. &lt;br&gt; And so, at this moment, we must decide: What kind of nation are we going to be? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan election officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? &lt;br&gt; Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth but in the shadow of lies? &lt;br&gt; We cannot allow ourselves to be that kind of nation. The way forward is to recognize the truth and to live by it. 
* The Big Lie being told by the former president and many Republicans who fear his wrath is that the insurrection in this country actually took place on Election Day — November 3rd, 2020. &lt;br&gt; Think about that. Is that what you thought? Is that what you thought when you voted that day? Taking part in an insurrection? Is that what you thought you were doing? Or did you think you were carrying out your highest duty as a citizen and voting? &lt;br&gt; The former president and his supporters are trying to rewrite history. They want you to see Election Day as the day of insurrection and the riot that took place here on January 6th as the true expression of the will of the people. &lt;br&gt; Can you think of a more twisted way to look at this country — to look at America? I cannot. &lt;br&gt; Here's the truth: The election of 2020 was the greatest demonstration of democracy in the history of this country. &lt;br&gt; More of you voted in that election than have ever voted in all of American history. Over 150 million Americans went to the polls and voted that day in a pandemic — some at grea- — great risk to their lives. They should be applauded, not attacked. &lt;br&gt; '''Right now, in state after state, new laws are being written — not to protect the vote, but to deny it; not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert it; not to strengthen or protect our democracy, but because the former president lost.''' &lt;br&gt; Instead of looking at the election results from 2020 and saying they need new ideas or better ideas to win more votes, the former president and his supporters have decided the only way for them to win is to suppress your vote and subvert our elections. &lt;br&gt; It's wrong. It's undemocratic. And frankly, it's un-American.

* '''You can't love your country only when you win. &lt;br&gt; You can't obey the law only when it's convenient. &lt;br&gt; You can't be patriotic when you embrace and enable lies. &lt;br&gt; Those who stormed this Capitol and those who instigated and incited and those who called on them to do so held a dagger at the throat of America — at American democracy. &lt;br&gt; They didn't come here out of patriotism or principle. They came here in rage — not in service of America, but rather in service of one man.''' &lt;br&gt; Those who incited the mob — the real plotters — who were desperate to deny the certification of the election and defy the will of the voters. &lt;br&gt; But their plot was foiled. Congressmen — Democrats and Republicans — stayed. Senators, representatives, staff — they finished their work the Constitution demanded. They honored their oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. &lt;br&gt; Look, folks, now it's up to all of us — to &quot;We the People&quot; — to stand for the rule of law, to preserve the flame of democracy, to keep the promise of America alive. &lt;br&gt; That promise is at risk, targeted by the forces that value brute strength over the sanctity of democracy, fear over hope, personal gain over public good. &lt;br&gt; '''Make no mistake about it: We're living at an inflection point in history. &lt;br&gt; Both at home and abroad, we're engaged anew in a struggle between democracy and autocracy, between the aspirations of the many and the greed of the few, between the people's right of self-determination and ... the self-seeking autocrat.''' 
* From China to Russia and beyond, they're betting that democracy's days are numbered. They've actually told me democracy is too slow, too bogged down by division to succeed in today's rapidly changing, complicated world. &lt;br&gt; And they're betting — they're betting America will become more like them and less like us. They're betting that America is a place for the autocrat, the dictator, the strongman. &lt;br&gt; I do not believe that. That is not who we are. That is not who we have ever been. And that is not who we should ever, ever be.

* '''Our Founding Fathers, as imperfect as they were, set in motion an experiment that changed the world — literally changed the world.''' &lt;br&gt; Here in America, the people would rule, power would be transferred peacefully — never at the tip of a spear or the barrel of a gun. &lt;br&gt; And they committed to paper an idea that ... they couldn't live up to but an idea that couldn't be constrained: Yes, in America all people are created equal. &lt;br&gt; We reject the view that if you succeed, I fail; if you get ahead, I fall behind; if I hold you down, I somehow lift myself up. &lt;br&gt; The former President, who lies about this election, and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values. &lt;br&gt; They want to rule or they will ruin — ruin what our country fought for at Lexington and Concord; at Gettysburg; at Omaha Beach; Seneca Falls; Selma, Alabama. What — and what we were fighting for: the right to vote, the right to govern ourselves, the right to determine our own destiny. &lt;br&gt; And with rights come responsibilities: the responsibility to see each other as neighbors — maybe we disagree with that neighbor, but they're not an adversary; the responsibility to accept defeat then get back in the arena and try again the next time to make your case; the responsibility to see that America is an idea — an idea that requires vigilant stewardship. &lt;br&gt; As we stand here today — one year since January 6th, 2021 — the lies that drove the anger and madness we saw in this place, they have not abated. &lt;br&gt; So, we have to be firm, resolute, and unyielding in our defense of the right to vote and to have that vote counted. 

* Don't kid yourself: The pain and scars from that day run deep. &lt;br&gt; I said it many times and it's no more true or real than when we think about the events of January 6th: We are in a battle for the soul of America. A battle that, by the grace of God and the goodness and gracious — and greatness of this nation, we will win. &lt;br&gt; Believe me, I know how difficult democracy is. And I'm crystal clear about the threats America faces. But I also know that our darkest days can lead to light and hope. 

* I did not seek this fight brought to this Capitol one year ago today, but I will not shrink from it either. &lt;br&gt; I will stand in this breach. I will defend this nation. And I will allow no one to place a dagger at the throat of our democracy. &lt;br&gt; We will make sure the will of the people is heard; that the ballot prevails, not violence; that authority in this nation will always be peacefully transferred. &lt;br&gt; I believe the power of the presidency and the purpose is to unite this nation, not divide it; to lift us up, not tear us apart; to be about us — about us, not about &quot;me.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Deep in the heart of America burns a flame lit almost 250 years ago — of liberty, freedom, and equality. &lt;br&gt; This is not a land of kings or dictators or autocrats. We're a nation of laws; of order, not chaos; of peace, not violence. &lt;br&gt; '''Here in America, the people rule through the ballot, and their will prevails. &lt;br&gt; So, let us remember: Together, we're one nation, under God, indivisible; that today, tomorrow, and forever, at our best, we are the United States of America.''' &lt;br&gt; God bless you all. May God protect our troops. And may God bless those who stand watch over our democracy.

==== February 2022 ====

[[File:President Biden nominated Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;For too long, our government, our courts haven't looked like America. . . . . [T]oday, I'm pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as a candidate for the Supreme Court].&quot;]]

* For too long, our government, our courts haven't looked like America. And I believe it's time that we have a [Supreme] Court that reflects the full talents and greatness of our nation with a nominee of extraordinary qualifications . . . . I've admired [the] traits of pragmatism, historical perspective, wisdom, character in the jurists nominated by [prior] presidents . . . . And today, I'm pleased to introduce [Ketanji Brown Jackson] to the American people [as] a candidate who continues in this great tradition.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/02/25/remarks-by-president-biden-on-his-nomination-of-judge-ketanji-brown-jackson-to-serve-as-associate-justice-of-the-u-s-supreme-court/ Remarks by President Biden on his Nomination of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to Serve as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (February 25, 2022)]

==== March 2022 ====

:* The idea that we're going to send in offensive equipment and have planes and tanks and trains going in with American pilots and American crews, just understand ... that's called [[World War III]], okay? Let's get it straight here, guys. We will not fight the third world war in [[Ukraine]].
** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/17/why-biden-white-house-keep-talking-about-world-war-iii/ Why Biden and the White House keep talking about World War III (March 17, 2022)]

===== State of the Union Address =====

[[File:P20220301AS-3170 (51989432295).jpg|thumb|Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2022/ State of the Union (1 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Flag of Ukraine (with coat of arms).svg|thumb|From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].]]

:* Last year [[COVID-19]] kept us apart. This year we are finally together again. &lt;br&gt; Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans. &lt;br&gt; With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution. &lt;br&gt; And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny. 

:* Six days ago, [[Russia]]'s [[Vladimir Putin]] sought to shake the foundations of [[Democracy|the free world]] thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. &lt;br&gt; He thought he could roll into [[Ukraine]] and the world would roll over. Instead he met a wall of [[strength]] he never imagined. &lt;br&gt; He met the Ukrainian [[people]]. &lt;br&gt; From [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelenskyy]] to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their [[courage]], their [[determination]], [[inspires]] the [[world]].&lt;br&gt; Groups of citizens blocking tanks with their bodies. Everyone from students to retirees teachers turned soldiers defending their homeland.

----

{{Longquote|
  Imagine what it's like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you're going to pay for it.
  What it does to your dignity, your ability to look your child in the eye, to be the parent you expect to be.
}}
:* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/01/remarks-of-president-joe-biden-state-of-the-union-address-as-delivered/ Remarks of President Joe Biden – State of the Union Address As Prepared for Delivery (March 1, 2022)]

----

===== Remarks to members of the 82nd Airborne Division in Poland =====

[[File:President Joe Biden meets with members of the 82nd Airborne Division on the ground in Poland.jpg|thumb|You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big ...]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/25/remarks-by-president-biden-during-visit-with-service-members-of-the-82nd-airborne-division/ Remarks by President Biden During Visit with Service Members of the 82nd Airborne Division (25 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden attended the March 2022 NATO special meeting.jpg|thumb|Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share? Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that's really what's at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you're doing is consequential — really consequential.]]

:* First of all, thank you. You represent 1 percent of the American people. None of you have to be here. You all decided to be here for your country. Every one of you volunteered. Every single one of you stepped up. And the rest of the 99 percent of the rest of the country, including me, owes you and owes you big, number one. &lt;br&gt; Number two, you know, we're a unique country in many ways. And we're the only country — the only country in the world not based — organized based on geography or ethnicity or religion or race or anything else; we're based on an idea. Literally the only country in the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women and men are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. &lt;br&gt; Sounds corny, but it's the truth of who we are. We've never lived up to it, but we never walked away from it. And the rest of the world looks to us. Because, you know, we not only lead by the example of our power, but by the power of our example. And your generation combines both. 

:* The rest of the world looks at you and sees who you are. They see you are a multi-ethnic group of Americans that are, in fact, together and united into one so — resolve: to defend your country and to help those who need help. That's why you're here.

:* The last 10 years, there have been fewer democracies that have been formed than we've lost in the world. &lt;br&gt; So this is — what you're engaged in is much more than just whether or not you can alleviate the [[pain]] and [[suffering]] of the [[people]] of [[Ukraine]]. &lt;br&gt; We're in a new phase — your generation. We're at an inflection point. About every four or five generations, there comes along a [[change]] — a fundamental change takes place. The [[world]] ain't going to be the same — not because of Ukraine, but — not going to be the same 10, 15 years from now in terms of our organizational structures. &lt;br&gt; So the question is: Who is going to [[prevail]]? Are [[democracies]] going to prevail ... and the [[values]] we share? Or are [[autocracies]] going to prevail? And that's really what's at stake. &lt;br&gt; So what you're doing is consequential — really consequential.

:* The fact of the matter is that you are the finest — this is not hyperbole — you are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. Let me say it again: the finest fighting force in the history of the world.

:* I came for one simple, basic reason — not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are. And thank you for what you're doing. &lt;br&gt; And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house — he'd yell at me, &quot;Joey&quot; — in Scranton — he said, &quot;Keep the faith.&quot; And my grandmother — my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside — this is serious — she'd yell, &quot;No, spread it.&quot; You're spreading the faith. &lt;br&gt; Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.

===== United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine =====

: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/03/26/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-united-efforts-of-the-free-world-to-support-the-people-of-ukraine/ Remarks by President Biden on the United Efforts of the Free World to Support the People of Ukraine (26 March 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:President Biden met with refugees from Ukraine in Warsaw.jpg|thumb|Time and again, [[history]] shows that it's from the darkest [[moments]] that the greatest [[progress]] follows. And history shows this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. ... We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of [[freedom]] and possibilities.]]

:* Over the last 30 years, the forces of autocracy have revived all across the globe. Its hallmarks are familiar ones: contempt for the rule of law, contempt for democratic freedom, contempt for the truth itself.

:* Over the long term, as a matter of economic security and national security and for the survivability of the planet, we all need to move as quickly as possible to clean, renewable energy. And we'll work together to help get that done so that the days of any nation being subject to the whims of a tyrant for its energy needs are over. They must end. They must end. &lt;br&gt; And second, we have to fight the corruption coming from the Kremlin to give the Russian people a fair chance. &lt;br&gt; And finally, and most urgently, we maintain absolute unity — we must — among the world's democracies. &lt;br&gt; It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us, including here in Poland, must do the hard work of democracy each and every day. My country as well. &lt;br&gt; That's why — that's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for [[NATO]], for the G7, for the [[European Union]], for all freedom-loving nations: We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. &lt;br&gt; It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.

:* '''It's not enough to speak with rhetorical flourish, of ennobling words of democracy, of freedom, equality, and liberty. All of us''', including here in Poland, '''must do the hard work of democracy each and every day.''' My country as well. That's why—[applause]. That's why I came to Europe again this week with a clear and determined message for NATO, for the G-7, for the European Union, for all freedom-loving nations: '''We must commit now to be in this fight for the long haul. We must remain unified today and tomorrow and the day after and for the years and decades to come. It will not be easy. There will be costs. But it's a price we have to pay. Because the darkness that drives autocracy is ultimately no match for the flame of liberty that lights the souls of free people everywhere.''' 

:* '''Time and again, history shows that it's from the darkest moments that the greatest progress follows. And history shows, this is the task of our time, the task of this generation. Let's remember: The hammer blow that brought down the [[Berlin Wall]], the might that lifted the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] were not the words of a single leader, it was the people of Europe who, for decades, fought to free themselves.'''

:* A [[dictator]] bent on rebuilding an [[empire]] will never erase a [[people]]'s [[love]] for [[liberty]]. [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Brutality will never grind down their]] [[will]] to be [[free]]. [[Ukraine]] will never be a victory for [[Russia]] — for free people refuse to live in a world of [[hopelessness]] and [[darkness]]. &lt;br&gt; We will have a different [[future]] — a brighter future rooted in [[democracy]] and [[principle]], [[hope]] and [[light]], of [[decency]] and [[dignity]], of freedom and possibilities. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]'s sake, this man cannot remain in [[power]]. &lt;br&gt; God [[bless]] you all. And may God defend our freedom. &lt;br&gt; And may God protect our troops.

==== April 2022 ====

[[File:220420-D-BN624-0283 (52019176965).jpg|thumb|[[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it.]] Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].]]

* Despite the disturbing rhetoric coming out of the Kremlin, the [[facts]] are plain for everybody to see. We're not attacking [[Russia]]; we're [[helping]] [[Ukraine]] defend itself against Russian [[aggression]]. &lt;br&gt; And just as [[Putin]] [[chose]] to launch [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|this brutal invasion]], he could make the choice to [[end]] this brutal invasion. &lt;br&gt; Russia is the aggressor. No if, ands, or buts about it. Russia is the aggressor. And the [[world]] [[must]] and will hold Russia [[accountable]].
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/28/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-request-to-congress-for-additional-funding-to-support-ukraine/ Remarks on the Request to Congress for Additional Funding to Support Ukraine (28 April 2022)]

* America must offer meaningful opportunities for redemption and rehabilitation to empower those who have been incarcerated to become productive, law-abiding, members of society, and reduce crime and make our communities safer.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/26/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-expands-second-chance-opportunities-for-formerly-incarcerated-persons/ FACT SHEET: Biden-⁠Harris Administration Expands Second Chance Opportunities for Formerly Incarcerated Persons]

* We learned a horrible lesson after Vietnam, when the harmful effects of exposure to Agent Orange sometimes took years to manifest, and too many veterans were left unable to access the care they needed. I refuse to repeat that mistake when it comes to the veterans of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/25/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-keeping-our-promise-to-veterans-suffering-from-toxic-environmental-exposures/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Keeping our Promise to Veterans Suffering from Toxic Environmental Exposures]

* I have always believed that for America to succeed, rural America must succeed.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/11/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-rural-infrastructure-tour/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the Rural Infrastructure Tour]

* Look, folks, I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I was raised. The reason I got to Delaware is coal died. My dad was not in the coal mines; he was in sales — but the whole economy died. And, you know, you can understand why in places like West Virginia and Southeastern Pennsylvania, why people were worried about doing away with coal. You know, but it's their jobs; they wonder what they're going to do.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/22/remarks-by-president-biden-on-earth-day-and-at-signing-of-an-executive-order-strengthening-the-nations-forests-communities-and-local-economies/ Remarks By President Biden on Earth Day and at Signing of an Executive Order Strengthening the Nation's Forests, Communities, and Local Economies]

* My name is Joe Biden. I am Jill's husband.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/04/02/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-jill-biden-at-the-commissioning-commemoration-ceremony-of-the-uss-delaware/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden at the Commissioning Commemoration Ceremony of the USS Delaware (April 2, 2022)]

===== Statement by President Biden on Veterans Unemployment Matching Historic Low =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/04/21/statement-by-president-biden-on-veterans-unemployment-matching-historic-low/ Statement by President Biden on Veterans Unemployment Matching Historic Low (April 21, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Jill and I believe that our nation has a sacred obligation to America's veterans and their families. Among other things, this means providing veterans with the tools and resources for economic opportunity, security, and dignity.

==== May 2022 ====

:* This week, my administration released new information that contains that we're on track to cut the federal deficit by another — another $1.5 trillion by the end of this fiscal year — the biggest decline in a single year ever in American history. And the biggest decline on top of us having a $350 billion drop in the deficit last year, my first year as President.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction ( 4 May 2022)]

:* I want every American to know that I am taking [[inflation]] very seriously and it is my top domestic priority
::* [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-blast-republicans-having-no-plan-inflation-2022-05-10/ Biden says Fed targeting inflation, China tariffs under review] (May 10, 2022) 

:* If the Court overturns Roe, it will fall on our nation's elected officials at all levels of government to protect a woman's right to choose. And it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.
::* As quoted on [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1521603759901708288 ''Twitter'']

:* The idea that we're going to make a judgment that is going to say that no one can make the judgment to choose to [[abort]] a [[child]], based on a decision by the Supreme Court, I think goes way overboard
::* [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/biden-reacts-leaked-draft-supreme-court-opinion-abortion/story?id=84467397 Biden reacts to leaked draft Supreme Court opinion on abortion]

:* The actions and policies of certain former members of the Government of Yemen and others in threatening Yemen's peace, security, and stability continue to pose an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and foreign policy of the United States.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-yemen/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to Yemen]

:* The regime's brutality and repression of the Syrian people, who have called for freedom and a representative government, not only endangers the Syrian people themselves, but also generates instability throughout the region.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/letter-to-the-speaker-of-the-house-of-representatives-and-the-president-of-the-senate-on-the-continuation-of-the-national-emergency-with-respect-to-the-actions-of-the-government-of-syria-2/ Letter to the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President of the Senate, on the Continuation of the National Emergency with Respect to the Actions of the Government of Syria]

:* I urge [the] Congress to move promptly on the COVID funding bill. This virus knows no borders; we must continue to save lives here at home and around the world.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/09/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-funding-for-covid-19-and-ukraine/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Funding for COVID-⁠19 and Ukraine]

:* Quantum computers, one of the many promising applications of QIS, are not a replacement to traditional computers. Rather, they are a fundamentally different kind of computer, with the ability to analyze information in ways that traditional computers cannot.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/05/04/fact-sheet-president-biden-announces-two-presidential-directives-advancing-quantum-technologies/ FACT SHEET: President Biden Announces Two Presidential Directives Advancing Quantum Technologies]

:* I am so tired of acronyms in Washington. I can't stand it. I cannot stand it. But I'm going to have to learn, aren't I?
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022]

:* I've been to every major fire but two this year, because FEMA is working again. We show up; we don't wait. We don't have to wonder.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/11/remarks-by-president-biden-on-supporting-farmers-and-american-families/ Remarks by President Biden on Supporting Farmers and American Families (May 11, 2022)]

:* Our policy toward [[Taiwan]] has not changed at all. We remain committed to supporting peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait and ensuring that there is no unilateral change to the [[status quo]].
::* [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/20220523_44/ Biden says US military would defend Taiwan (23 May 2022)]

:* It is time that we acknowledge the legacy of systemic racism in our criminal justice system and work together to eliminate the racial disparities that endure to this day. Doing so serves all Americans.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

:* We must work together to create an America where everyone feels safe in their community, where children feel safe in their schools. And, of course, that responsibility that we collectively have to ensure that all people feel safe in their community is what brings us together today.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/25/remarks-by-president-biden-and-vice-president-harris-at-signing-of-executive-order-to-advance-effective-accountable-policing-and-strengthen-public-safety/ Remarks by President Biden and Vice President Harris at Signing of Executive Order to Advance Effective, Accountable Policing and Strengthen Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

:* Every day, Ukrainians pay with their lives, and they fight along — and the atrocities that the Russians are engaging in are just beyond the pale. And the cost of the fight is not cheap, but caving to aggression is even more costly. That's why we're staying in this.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-3522-the-ukraine-democracy-defense-lend-lease-act-of-2022/ Remarks By President Biden at Signing of S. 3522, the &quot;Ukraine Democracy Defense Lend-Lease Act Of 2022&quot; (May 9, 2022)]

:* The bottom line is the deficit went up every year under my predecessor, before the pandemic and during the pandemic. And it's gone down both years since I've been here — period.
::* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/04/remarks-by-president-biden-on-economic-growth-jobs-and-deficit-reduction/ Remarks by President Biden On Economic Growth, Jobs, and Deficit Reduction (May 4, 2022)]

----

{{Longquote|
We must provide people who are incarcerated with meaningful opportunities for rehabilitation and the tools and support they need to transition successfully back to society.

Individuals who have been involved in the criminal justice system face many barriers in transitioning back into society, including limited access to housing, public benefits, health care, trauma-informed services and support, education, nutrition, employment and occupational licensing, credit, the ballot, and other critical opportunities.

Lowering barriers to reentry is essential to reducing recidivism and reducing crime.

Finally, no one should be required to serve an excessive prison sentence.

When the Congress passed the First Step Act of 2018 (Public Law 115-391), it sought to relieve people from unfair and unduly harsh sentences, including those driven by harsh mandatory minimums and the unjust sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine offenses.

My Administration will fully implement the First Step Act, including by supporting sentencing reductions in appropriate cases and by allowing eligible incarcerated people to participate in recidivism reduction programming and earn time credits.
}}
:* [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/25/executive-order-on-advancing-effective-accountable-policing-and-criminal-justice-practices-to-enhance-public-trust-and-public-safety/ Executive Order on Advancing Effective, Accountable Policing and Criminal Justice Practices to Enhance Public Trust and Public Safety (May 25, 2022)]

----

===== Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/09/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-affordable-connectivity-program%EF%BF%BC/ Remarks By President Biden on the Affordable Connectivity Program (May 9, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* That old saying, &quot;All that needs to be said has already been said, but I'm going to say it again.&quot;

* You know, the need for high-speed Internet is — is a little bit like what used to be probably what my grandfather talked about: needing to have a telephone. It's pretty consequential. And it's only going to keep growing, this need. High-speed Internet is not a luxury any longer, it's a necessity.

* [H]ere in the United States of America, how many times have you seen a mom or a dad drive up to a parking lot outside a McDonald's and — just so they could get connected to the Internet so their kid could do their homework during the pandemic, literally? It's just not right. It's not who we are.

===== A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/05/31/a-proclamation-on-national-immigrant-heritage-month-2022/ A Proclamation on National Immigrant Heritage Month, 2022 (May 31, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but do not understand America.
To confront the dangerous ideology of hate requires caring about all people — including our Nation's immigrants. After all, the fundamental promise of America is that all of us are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. As a Nation, we have never fully lived up to that promise, but we have never walked away from it either.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
The United States is a Nation of immigrants — shaped by the courageous people from around the world who leave their homes, lives, and loved ones to seek refuge and opportunity on our shores. 

Their sacrifices and entrepreneurial spirit have contributed to the rich tapestry that has defined the character of our country for generations. 

Since our founding, the very idea of America as a Nation of limitless possibilities has been nurtured and advanced by immigrants.
}}

----

===== President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrav3SYYPQ4 President Biden Delivers Remarks on Building a Better America (May 6, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* My dad used to say &quot;A job's about a lot more than a paycheck, it's about your dignity, it's about place in the community.&quot; What these guys do is they care about the dignity of the worker, and I see things are really beginning to change. I really believe it. And Senator Portman, since he's not running again, I can say all the nice things about him that I want.

:* ...[W]e reduced the deficit by a total of 350 billion dollars, that's reduced the deficit, last year, and this year, by the end of the fiscal, by October 1st, We will of reduced this year's deficit by 1 Trillion, 500 Billion dollars. Never in the history of America has that happened before.

:* I'm tired of trickle-down-economics, I've never seen it really work, but I tell you what, I'm a capitalist, I want to build this economy [from] the bottom up and the middle out, because when that happens everybody does well, the poor have a way up, the middle class do fine, and the wealthy do very very well. [They] never get hurt when that happens.

:* That's no malarkey, That's a fact.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 20:39

:* I've spent more time with [[Xi Jinping]], [the] leader of [[China]], than any other world leader has, over seventy six hours, nine of them on a telephone, the rest in person.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 21:59

:* We're making &quot;Buy America&quot; a reality, not just a slogan.
::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 26:14

----

{{Longquote|
Decades ago, the federal government used to invest two percent of our entire GDP in research and development, we're down to investing less than one percent [of our GDP in research and development].

We were ranked number one in the world in [terms of research and development], [thirty years] ago, now were ranked number nine. China was [ranked] number eight thirty years, now they're [ranked second], we [got to] up our game.

It's a simple proposition, if we do better, everybody's [going to] win.

}}

::* [[Joe Biden]], t. 19:19

----

===== Remarks Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/17/remarks-by-president-biden-and-first-lady-biden-honoring-the-lives-lost-in-buffalo-new-york-and-calling-on-all-americans-to-condemn-white-supremacy/ Remarks by President Biden and First Lady Biden Honoring the Lives Lost in Buffalo, New York, and Calling on All Americans to Condemn White Supremacy (17 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
What happened here is simple and straightforward: [[terrorism]]. 

Terrorism. 

Domestic terrorism.

[[Violence]] inflicted in the service of hate and a [[vicious]] thirst for [[power]] that defines one group of people being inherently inferior to any other group. 

A hate that through the media and politics, the Internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced — that's the word, &quot;replaced&quot; — by the &quot;other&quot; — by people who don't look like them and who are therefore, in a perverse ideology that they possess and being fed, lesser beings. 

I and all of you reject the lie. I call on all Americans to reject the lie. And I condemn those who spread the lie for power, political gain, and for profit
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
[[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I bring you this message from deep in our nation's [[soul]]: In [[America]], [[evil]] will not [[win]] — I promise you.

[[Hate]] will not prevail.

And [[white supremacy]] will not have the last word.

For the evil did come to Buffalo, and it's come to all too many places, manifested in gunmen who massacred innocent people in the name of hateful and perverse [[ideology]] rooted in [[fear]] and [[racism]].
}}
::* [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/live/2022/may/17/biden-buffalo-shooting-us-politics-latest-news Biden tells Buffalo shooting mourners: 'Evil will not win. Hate will not prevail' – live (May 17, 2022), ''The Guardian'']

----

{{Longquote|
We have now seen too many times the deadly and destructive violence this ideology unleashes.

We heard the chants, &quot;You will not replace us,&quot; in Charlottesville, Virginia.

I wasn't going to run, as the Senator knows, again for President.

But when I saw those people coming out of the woods — of the fields of — in Virginia, in Charlottesville, carrying torches, shouting &quot;You will not replace us,&quot; accompanied by white supremacists and carrying Nazi banners — that's when I said, &quot;No.&quot; &quot;No.&quot;
}}

----

{{Longquote|
White supremacy is a poison. It's a poison — running through — it really is — running through our body politic. And it's been allowed to fester and grow right in front of our eyes.

No more.

I mean, no more.

We need to say as clearly and forcefully as we can that the ideology of white supremacy has no place in America.

None.
}}
::* [https://www.nytimes.com/live/2022/05/17/nyregion/buffalo-shooting Buffalo Shooting Live Updates: 'White Supremacy Is a Poison,' Biden Says in Emotional Address (May 17, 2022), ''The New York Times'']

----

{{Longquote|
'''Silence is complicity. It's complicity. We cannot remain silent.'''

Our nation's strength has always come from the idea — it's going to sound corny, but think about it: What's the idea of our nation? That we're all children of God. All life, liberty, our universal goods — gifts of God. We didn't get it from the government, we got it because we exist, and we're called upon to defend them.

The venom of the haters and their weapons of war, the violence in the words and deeds that — that stalk our streets, our stores, our schools — this venom, this violence cannot be the story of our time.

We cannot allow that to happen.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Look, I'm not naïve. I know tragedy will come again. It cannot be forever overcome. It cannot be fully understood either. But there are certain things we can do.

We can keep assault weapons off our streets. We've done it before. I did it when we passed the crime bill last time. And violence went down, shootings went down.

You can't prevent people from being radicalized to violence, but we can address the relentless exploitation of the Internet to recruit and mobilize terrorism. We just need to have the courage to do that, to stand up.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
'''The American experiment in democracy is in a danger like it hasn't been in my lifetime.''' It's in danger this hour. Hate and fear are being given too much oxygen by those who pretend to love America but who don't understand America.

To confront the ideology of hate requires caring about all people, not making distinctions.

Reverend, the Scripture is seeing that we're all part of the Divine. &quot;Love thy neighbor as thyself.&quot; That's the America I know, that Jill knows. And most deserve the most — we — look, we are the most multiracial, most dynamic nation in the history of the world.

Now is the time for the people of all races, from every background, to speak up as a majority in America and reject white supremacy.

These actions we've seen in these hate-filled attacks represent the views of a hate-filled minority.

We can't allow them to distort America — the real America. We can't allow them to destroy the soul of the nation.
}}

----

===== Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/05/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-school-shooting-in-uvalde-texas/ Remarks on the School Shooting in Uvalde, Texas (24 May 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

:* As a nation, we have to ask: When in God's name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby? When in God's name will we do what we all know in our gut needs to be done?

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
I had hoped, when I became President, I would not have to do this again.

[[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Another massacre.]] Uvalde, Texas. An elementary school. Beautiful, innocent second, third, fourth graders. And how many scores of little children who witnessed what happened see their friends die as if they're on a battlefield, for God's sake. They'll live with it the rest of their lives.

There's a lot we don't know yet, but there's a lot we do know.

There are parents who will never see their child again, never have them jump in bed and cuddle with them. Parents who will never be the same.

To lose a child is like having a piece of your soul ripped away. There's a hollowness in your chest, and you feel like you're being sucked into it and never going to be able to get out. It's suffocating. And it's never quite the same.
}}}}

----

{{Longquote|
I spent my career as a senator and as Vice President working to pass commonsense gun laws.

We can't and won't prevent every tragedy. But we know they work and have a positive impact.

When we passed the assault weapons ban, mass shootings went down. When the law expired, mass shootings tripled. 

The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God's name do you need an assault weapon for except to kill someone? Deer aren't running through the forest with Kevlar vests on, for God's sake. It's just sick. And the gun manufacturers have spent two decades aggressively marketing assault weapons which make them the most and largest profit.

For God's sake, we have to have the courage to stand up to the industry.
}}

----

{{Longquote|
Most [[Americans]] support [[commonsense]] [[laws]] — commonsense gun laws.

I just got off my trip from Asia, meeting with Asian leaders, and I learned of this while I was on the aircraft.

And what struck me on that 17-hour flight — what struck me was these kinds of mass shootings rarely happen anywhere else in the [[world]].Why?

They have [[mental health]] [[problems]]. They have domestic disputes in other countries. They have people who are lost.

But these kinds of mass shootings never happen with the kind of frequency that they happen in America. Why? Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in [[God]]'s name is our backbone — to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the lobbies?

It's time to turn this [[pain]] into [[action]]. For every parent, for every citizen in this country, we have to make it clear to every elected official in this country: It's time to act.

It's time — for those who obstruct or delay or block the commonsense gun laws, we need to let you know that we will not forget. We can do so much more. We have to do more.
}}

----

==== June 2022 ====

* The people of Ukraine continue to inspire the world with their courage and resolve as they fight bravely to defend their country and their democracy against Russian aggression.
*: [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-additional-security-assistance-to-ukraine-2/ Statement by President Joe Biden on Additional Security Assistance to Ukraine (June 1, 2022)]

* And I hope we all walk away from days like this and moments like this when we go back to the places where we work every day, often being one of the only like us in a room or who has had the life experience we’ve had — I think these are moments that are very important to remember that we are not alone. There are all of us who are in these rooms together, even if we don’t see each other at a particular moment. So, it’s a good time to be together. So, thank you all.
** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-at-the-naleo-39th-annual-conference/ Remarks by Vice President Harris at the NALEO 39th Annual Conference (June 24, 2022)]

===== A Proclamation on Father's Day, 2022 =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/17/a-proclamation-on-fathers-day-2022/ A Proclamation on Father's Day, 2022 (June 17, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* Too many of us know a dad who was lost too soon or a father who has lost a child. The pain runs deep, but we draw strength from knowing that our loved ones will always remain with us.

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
Every year on Father's Day, we honor the men who help shape our character through their love, guidance, and devotion.

Dads and father figures across the country sacrifice so much to support their families and to ensure that their children can lead fulfilling lives.

I remember my own father, who instilled in me some of the most important values that guide me to this day.

He taught me to treat all people with dignity, and that there is no higher calling than to be a good parent. He informed the way that I raised my own children — and how they continue to raise theirs.

Just like my father, dads all over our country help teach their kids a sense of right and wrong that stays with them their entire lives. We owe these wonderful fathers a great deal of respect and gratitude.
}}}}

----

===== Statement by President Biden on Bipartisan Senate Gun Safety Proposal =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/12/statement-by-president-biden-on-bipartisan-senate-gun-safety-proposal/ Statement by President Biden on Bipartisan Senate Gun Safety Proposal (June 12, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
[...]

Obviously, it does not do everything that I think is needed, but it reflects important steps in the right direction, and would be the most significant gun safety legislation to pass Congress in decades.

With bipartisan support, there are no excuses for delay, and no reason why it should not quickly move through the Senate and the House.

Each day that passes, more children are killed in this country: the sooner it comes to my desk, the sooner I can sign it, and the sooner we can use these measures to save lives.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden in a Briefing on the New Mexico Wildfires =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/11/remarks-by-president-biden-in-a-briefing-on-the-new-mexico-wildfires/ Remarks by President Biden in a Briefing on the New Mexico Wildfires (June 11, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
And secondly, there's an expression where I come from: &quot;God made man, then he made some firefighters.&quot;

I grew up in a neighborhood called Claymont, Delaware, when we moved from Scranton when coal died.

And, you know, my parents weren't in the coal mines — they were in sales — but the economy shriveled and we moved down to this little steel town.

And I went to a little Catholic school across from the fire department — a fire station. And everybody I grew up with — you either became a cop, a firefighter, or a priest. '''I wasn't qualified for any of them, so here I am.'''
}}

:* Just so you know, I've done too many individual and mass funerals for firefighters and hotshots and, you're an incredible group of people. I mean, a truly incredible group of people. 

:* [T]he overwhelming human instinct is you run away from a fire, not into it. And the only thing that protects firefighters is more firefighters — the only thing. '''More firefighters.'''

----

===== Remarks by President Biden on Inflation and Actions Taken to Lower Prices and Address Supply Chain Challenges =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/10/remarks-by-president-biden-on-inflation-and-actions-taken-to-lower-prices-and-address-supply-chain-challenges/ Remarks by President Biden on Inflation and Actions Taken to Lower Prices and Address Supply Chain Challenges (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{Longquote|
[O]ne thing I want to say about the oil companies:

: They talk about how we have — they have 9,000 permits to drill.

'''They're not drilling.''' Why aren't they drilling? Because they make more money not producing more oil. The price goes up, number one.

And, number two, the reason they're not drilling is they're buying back their own stock — which should be taxed, quite frankly — buying back their own stock and making no new investments.
}}

----

:* We're going to make sure that everybody knows Exxon's profits. Why don't you tell them what Exxon's profits were this year — this quarter? '''Exxon made more money than God this year.''' And, by the way, nothing has changed.

* I think the [[Supreme Court]] has made some terrible decisions
** [https://fortune.com/2022/06/25/biden-criticizes-supreme-court-for-making-some-terrible-decisions-says-only-congress-can-restore-roe-v-wade-protections/ Biden criticizes Supreme Court for making 'some terrible decisions,' says only Congress can restore Roe v. Wade protections (June 25, 2022)]

===== A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2022/06/10/a-proclamation-on-flag-day-and-national-flag-week-2022/ A Proclamation on Flag Day And National Flag Week, 2022 (June 10, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
Our flag belongs to all Americans, and its red, white, and blue colors are woven into a rich tapestry of different cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs which connects us and honors our shared history.

Old Glory has flown around the world in times of war and in times of peace.

It has traveled to the Moon and to Mars. It has sailed on ships and flown on planes. It waves high above the White House, courthouses, post offices, schools, and homes across the Nation, and also above our embassies and military bases overseas — an enduring beacon of democracy.
}}}}

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{{Longquote|
Every day, the American Flag instills pride — reminding us of the ideals upon which our Nation was founded and the values for which we stand. 

As we pledge our allegiance to the Star-Spangled Banner, and the legacy it holds in our history, let us continue the work of perfecting our Union so that, together, we can deliver the promise of America for all Americans.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/08/remarks-by-president-biden-at-the-inaugural-ceremony-of-the-ninth-summit-of-the-americas/ Remarks by President Biden at the Inaugural Ceremony of the Ninth Summit of the Americas (June 8, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

:* As we meet again today, in a moment when democracy is under assault around the world, let us unite again and renew our conviction that democracy is not only the defining feature of American histories, but the essential ingredient to Americas' futures. 

:* And no longer is this a question of what will we do — what will the United States do for the Americas. The question is what we accomplish by working together as true partners with diverse capabilities but equal and mutual respect, recognizing both our individual sovereignty and our shared responsibilities.

:* [W]hen we invest in strengthening workers and the middle class, the poor have a ladder up, and those at the top do just fine. That's how we can increase opportunity and decrease persistent inequity.

:* We need to break the cycle where marginalized communities are hit the hardest by disasters and have the fewest resources to recover from crises and prepare for the next one.

:* When I hear &quot;climate,&quot; I think jobs — good-paying, high-quality jobs that will help speed our transition to a green economy of the future and unleash sustainable growth; jobs in developing and deploying clean energy; jobs in decarbonizing the economy; jobs in protecting biodiversity of our hemisphere; jobs that will provide dignity of being able to feed your family, give your children a better life, and envision a future of possibilities.

:* That's what this is all about: responding to basic human desires that we share for dignity, for safety, and for security. And when those basics are absent in one place, that's when people make the desperate decision to seek them elsewhere.

----

{{Longquote|
People everywhere expect their government to help give them just a little bit of breathing room, provide opportunities for work that pays a decent wage, educate children so they can rise as high as their talents can take them, make communities more secure so families feel safe in their homes and individuals know their rights will be respected. 

That means directing investment to help governments deliver on those responsibilities, including modernize — modernizing multilateral development banks to better address the challenges of today and of the future.
}}

----

===== Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-vice-president-harris-on-corinthian-student-loan-forgiveness/ Remarks by Vice President Harris on Corinthian Student Loan Forgiveness (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Students who simply wanted to better their prospects in life and instead found themselves taken advantage of by a scam that took their money and gave them nothing in return except heartache.

* So, it's one thing to say &quot;there should be accountability,&quot; but when we think about and define &quot;accountability&quot; based on bad actors and bad deeds, part of our system of justice tells us that, yes, there should be serious, swift, and severe consequence, but also we must look to those who were harmed and ask, &quot;Are we doing enough to allow them the ability to recover from that harm?&quot;

===== Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/01/statement-by-president-joe-biden-on-the-101st-anniversary-of-the-tulsa-race-massacre/ Statement by President Joe Biden on the 101st Anniversary of the Tulsa Race Massacre (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

:* We cannot bury pain and trauma forever. As I said in Tulsa, great nations do not hide from their histories. We are a great nation, and by reckoning with and remedying the injustices of the past, America will become greater still.

----

{{Longquote|

Today, we remember the hell that was unleashed that night.

'''This was not a riot, it was a massacre.'''

As many as 300 Black Americans were killed, and nearly 10,000 were left destitute. Homes, businesses, and churches were burned. A generation of Black wealth was extinguished.

In the years that followed, even as Greenwood worked to rebuild, discrimination was systematically embedded in our laws and policies, locking Black residents out of opportunity and ensuring that the attack on Black families and Black wealth persisted across generations.
}}

----

===== Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula =====
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/01/remarks-by-president-biden-during-virtual-meeting-on-accelerating-infant-formula-production-through-operation-fly-formula/ Remarks by President Biden During Virtual Meeting on Accelerating Infant Formula Production Through Operation Fly Formula (June 1, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* Look, as a father and a grandfather — and I'm sure we all feel the same way — I understand how difficult this shortage has been for families all across the country. There is nothing more stressful than the feeling like you can't get what your child needs — what he or she needs.

* Without Operation Fly Formula, we would have taken three weeks to get this product to the United States. Because of our actions, it took three days. And it's heeded the request that people had, and it's headed to American shelves.

===== President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen =====
[[File:Destroyed house in the south of Sanaa 12-6-2015-4.jpg|thumb|alt=Yemen's civil war|The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago. Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded. For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana'a to destinations outside Yemen. – President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]]
: &lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2022/06/02/president-biden-statement-on-the-un-mediated-truce-extension-in-yemen/ President Biden Statement on the UN-Mediated Truce Extension in Yemen (June 2, 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
The last two months in Yemen, thanks to the truce brokered in April, have been among the most peaceful periods since this terrible war began seven years ago.

'''Thousands of lives have been saved as fighting receded.'''

For the first time in seven years, Yemenis are able to fly from Sana'a to destinations outside Yemen.
}}}}

----

===== Remarks on Gun Violence in America =====
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1048 (52111129294).jpg|thumb|On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery. &lt;br&gt; As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the [[world]]. – Remarks on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/02/remarks-by-president-biden-on-gun-violence-in-america/ Remarks by President Biden on Gun Violence in America (June 2, 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?520721-1/president-biden-addresses-nation-mass-shootings C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Joe Biden in Uvalde.png|thumb|The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.]]
[[File:220530-D-XI929-1042 (52110919553).jpg|thumb|I couldn't help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America. ]]
[[File:Robb Elementary School shooting.png|thumb|According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]]. The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.]]

----

{{font|size=110%|{{Longquote|
'''On [[Memorial Day]] this past Monday, [[w:Jill Biden|Jill]] and I visited Arlington National Cemetery.'''

As we entered those hallowed grounds, we saw rows and rows of crosses among the rows of headstones, with other emblems of belief, honoring those who paid the ultimate price on battlefields around the world.

'''The day before, we visited Uvalde — [[w:Robb Elementary School shooting|Uvalde, Texas. In front of Robb Elementary School]], we stood before 21 crosses for 19 third and fourth graders and two teachers.''' On each cross, a name. And nearby, a photo of each victim that Jill and I reached out to touch. Innocent victims, murdered in a classroom that had been turned into a killing field.

Standing there in that small town, like so many other communities across America, I couldn't help but think there are too many other schools, too many other everyday places that have become killing fields, battlefields here in America.

We stood at such a place just 12 days before, across from a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, memorializing 10 fellow Americans — a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling — gone forever.

At both places, we spent hours with hundreds of family members who were broken and whose lives will never be the same. And they had one message for all of us: '''Do something.''' Just do something. For [[God]]'s sake, do something.
}}}}

----

:* After Columbine, after Sandy Hook, after Charleston, after Orlando, after Las Vegas, after Parkland, nothing has been done. &lt;br&gt; This time, that can't be true. This time, we must actually do something. &lt;br&gt; The issue we face is one of conscience and common sense.

:* '''For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone's guns. It's ... not about vilifying ... gun owners. In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible gun owners as an example of how every gun owner should behave.''' I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful gun owners. &lt;br&gt; At the same time, the Second Amendment, like all other rights, is not absolute. ... It was Justice Scalia who wrote, and I quote, &quot;Like most rights, the right...&quot; — Second Amendment — the rights granted by the Second Amendment are &quot;not unlimited.&quot; Not unlimited. It never has been. &lt;br&gt; There have always been limitations on what weapons you can own in America. For example, machine guns have been federally regulated for nearly 90 years. And this is still a free country. &lt;br&gt; '''This isn't about taking away anyone's rights. It's about protecting children. It's about protecting families. It's about protecting whole communities. It's about protecting our freedoms to go to school, to a grocery store, and to a church without being shot and killed.'''

:* '''According to new data just released by the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention]], [[guns]] are the number one killer of [[children]] in the [[United States of America]].''' The number one killer. More than car accidents. More than [[cancer]]. &lt;br&gt; '''Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty [[police]] officers and active-duty [[military]] combined.''' Think about that: more kids than on-duty cops killed by guns, more kids than soldiers killed by guns. &lt;br&gt; For [[God]]'s sake, how much more &lt;br&gt; are we willing to accept? How many more innocent American lives must be taken before we say &quot;enough&quot;? Enough.

:* '''I know that we can't prevent every tragedy.''' But here's what I believe we have to do. Here's what the overwhelming majority of the American people believe we must do. Here's what the families in Buffalo and Uvalde, in Texas, told us we must do. &lt;br&gt; We need to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. And if we can't ban assault weapons, then we should raise the age to purchase them from 18 to 21. Strengthen background checks. Enact safe storage laws and red-flag laws. Repeal the immunity that protects gun manufacturers from liability. Address the mental health crisis deepening the trauma of gun violence and as a consequence of that violence. &lt;br&gt; These are rational, commonsense measures. And here's what it all means. It all means this: We should reinstate the assault weapons ban and high-capacity magazines that we passed in 1994 with bipartisan support in Congress and the support of law enforcement. Nine categories of semi-automatic weapons were included in that ban, like AK-47s and AR-15s. &lt;br&gt; And in the 10 years it was law, mass shootings went down. But after Republicans let the law expire in 2004 and those weapons were allowed to be sold again, mass shootings tripled. Those are the facts.

:* A few years ago, the family of the inventor of the AR-15 said he would have been horrified to know that its design was being used to slaughter children and other innocent lives instead of being used as a military weapon on the battlefields, as it was designed — that's what it was designed for. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough.

:* Stronger background checks are something that the vast majority of Americans, including the majority of gun owners, agree on. &lt;br&gt; I also believe we should have safe storage laws and personal liability for not locking up your gun. &lt;br&gt; The shooter in Sandy Hook came from a home full of guns that were too easy to access. That's how he got the weapons — the weapon he used to kill his mother and then murder 26 people, including 20 first graders.

:* We should also have national red-flag laws so that a parent, a teacher, a counselor can flag for a court that a child, a student, a patient is exhibiting violent tendencies, threatening classmates, or experiencing suicidal thoughts that makes them a danger to themselves or to others.

:* In Uvalde, the shooter was 17 when he asked his sister to buy him an assault weapon, knowing he'd be denied because he was too young to purchase one himself. She refused. &lt;br&gt; But as soon as he turned 18, he purchased two assault weapons for himself. Because in Texas, you can be 18 years old and buy an assault weapon even though you can't buy a pistol in Texas until you're 21. &lt;br&gt; If we can't ban assault weapons, as we should, we must at least raise the age to be able to purchase one to 21.

:* Look, I know some folks will say, &quot;18-year-olds can serve in the military and fire those weapons.&quot; But that's with training and supervision by the best-trained experts in the world. Don't tell me raising the age won't make a difference. &lt;br&gt; Enough.

:* We should repeal the liability shield that often protects gun manufacturers from being sued for the death and destruction caused by their weapons. They're the only industry in this country that has that kind of immunity. &lt;br&gt; Imagine — imagine if the tobacco industry had been immune from being sued — where we'd be today. The gun industry's special protections are outrageous. It must end.

:* '''And let there be no mistake about the psychological trauma that gun violence leaves behind.''' &lt;br&gt; Imagine being that little girl — that brave little girl in Uvalde who smeared the blood off her murdered friend's body onto her own face to lie still among the corpses in her classroom and pretend she was dead in order to stay alive. Imagine — imagine what it would it be like for her to walk down the hallway of any school again. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it's like for children who experience this kind of trauma every day in school, in the streets, in communities all across America. &lt;br&gt; Imagine what it is like for so many parents to hug their children goodbye in the morning, not sure whether they'll come back home. &lt;br&gt; '''Unfortunately, too many people don't have to imagine that at all.'''

:* Even before the pandemic, young people were already hurting. There's a serious youth mental health crisis in this country, and we have to do something about it. &lt;br&gt; That's why mental health is at the heart of my Unity Agenda that I laid out in the State of the Union Address this year. &lt;br&gt; We must provide more school counselors, more school nurses, more mental health services for students and for teachers, more people volunteering as mentors to help young people succeed, more privacy protection and resources to keep kids safe from the harms of social media. &lt;br&gt; This Unity Agenda won't fully heal the wounded souls, but it will help. It matters.

:* I just told you what I'd do. The question now is: What will the Congress do? &lt;br&gt; The House of Representatives has already passed key measures we need. Expanding background checks to cover nearly all gun sales, including at gun shows and online sales. Getting rid of the loophole that allows a gun sale to go through after three business days even if the background check has not been completed. &lt;br&gt; And the House is planning even more action next week. Safe storage requirements. The banning of high-capacity magazines. Raising the age to buy an assault weapon to 21. Federal red-flag law. Codifying my ban on ghost guns that don't have serial numbers and can't be traced. And tougher laws to prevent gun trafficking and straw purchases. &lt;br&gt; This time, we have to take the time to do something. And this time, it's time for the Senate to do something. &lt;br&gt; But, as we know, in order to do any- — get anything done in the Senate, we need a minimum of 10 Republican senators. &lt;br&gt; I support the bipartisan efforts that include a small group of Democrats and Republican senators trying to find a way. But my God, the fact that the majority of the Senate Republicans don't want any of these proposals even to be debated or come up for a vote, I find unconscionable. &lt;br&gt; We can't fail the American people again.

:* '''Since Uvalde, just over a week ago, there have been 20 other mass shootings in America, each with four or more people killed or injured, including yesterday at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma.''' &lt;br&gt; A shooter deliberately targeted a surgeon using an assault weapon he bought just a few hours before his rampage that left the surgeon, another doctor, a receptionist, and a patient dead, and many more injured. &lt;br&gt; That doesn't count the carnage we see every single day that doesn't make the headlines.

:* I've been in this fight for a long time. I know how hard it is, but I'll never give up. And if Congress fails, I believe this time a majority of the American people won't give up either. I believe the majority of you will act to turn your outrage into making this issue central to your vote. &lt;br&gt; Enough. Enough. Enough.

:* Over the next 17 days, the families in Uvalde will continue burying their dead. &lt;br&gt; It will take that long in part because it's a town where everyone knows everyone, and day by day they will honor each one they lost. &lt;br&gt; Jill and I met with the owner and staff of the funeral home that is being strong — strong, strong, strong — to take care of their own. &lt;br&gt; And the people of Uvalde mourn. As they do over the next 17 days, what will we be doing as a nation?

:* Jill and I met with the sister of the teacher who was murdered and whose husband died of a heart attack two days later, leaving behind four beautiful, orphaned children — and all now orphaned. &lt;br&gt; The sister asked us: What could she say? What could she tell her nieces and nephews? &lt;br&gt; It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I can remember. All I could think to say was — I told her to hold them tight. Hold them tight.

:* After visiting the school, we attended mass at Sacred Heart Catholic Church with Father Eddie. &lt;br&gt; In the pews, families and friends held each other tightly. As Archbishop Gustavo spoke, he asked the children in attendance to come up on the altar and sit on the altar with him as he spoke. &lt;br&gt; There wasn't enough room, so a mom and her young son sat next to Jill and me in the first pew. And as we left the church, '''a grandmother who had just lost her granddaughter passed me a handwritten letter. &lt;br&gt; It read, quote, &quot;Erase the invisible line that is dividing our nation. Come up with a solution and fix what's broken and make the changes that are necessary to prevent this from happening again.&quot; End of quote.''' &lt;br&gt; My fellow Americans, enough. Enough. It's time for each of us to do our part. It's time to act. &lt;br&gt; For the children we've lost, for the children we can save, for the nation we love, let's hear the call and the cry. Let's meet the moment. Let us finally do something.

:* God bless the families who are hurting. God bless you all. &lt;br&gt; From a hymn based on the 91st Psalm sung in my church:
::: ''May He raise you up on eagle's wings &lt;br&gt; and bear you on the breath of dawn &lt;br&gt; make you to shine like the sun &lt;br&gt; and hold you in the palm of His hand.''
:: '''That's my prayer for all of you. God bless you.'''

===== Remarks on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/24/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-supreme-court-decision-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/ Remarks by President Biden on the Supreme Court Decision to Overturn Roe v. Wade (24 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbWVUzlNuDU &quot;Biden's reaction to Roe v. Wade ruling&quot;, ''CNN'' (24 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Protests in front of SCOTUS after Dobbs - 2022-06-24.jpg|thumb|I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all [[protests]] [[peaceful]].]] 

* '''Today, the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court of the United States]] expressly took away a [[United States Constitution|constitutional]] [[right]] from the [[American]] [[people]] that it had already [[recognized]].''' &lt;br /&gt; They didn’t limit it. They simply took it away. That’s never been done to a right so [[important]] to so many Americans. &lt;br /&gt; But they did it. And it’s a sad day for the Court and for the country.

* Fifty years ago, ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]'' was decided and has been the law of the land since then. &lt;br /&gt; This landmark case protected a woman’s right to choose, her right to make intensely personal decisions with her doctor, free from … interference of politics. &lt;br /&gt; It reaffirmed basic principles of equality — that women have the power to control their own destiny. And it reinforced the fundamental right of privacy — the right of each of us to choose how to live our lives. &lt;br /&gt; Now, with Roe gone, let’s be very clear: The health and life of women in this nation are now at risk.

* '''I believe Roe v. Wade was the correct decision as a matter of constitutional law, an application of the fundamental right to privacy and liberty in matters of family and personal autonomy.''' &lt;br /&gt; It was a decision on a complex matter that drew a careful balance between a woman’s right to choose earlier in her pregnancy and the state’s ability to regulate later in her pregnancy. '''A decision with broad national consensus that most Americans of faiths and backgrounds found acceptable and that had been the law of the land for most of the lifetime of Americans today. &lt;br /&gt; And it was a constitutional principle upheld by justices appointed by Democrat and Republican Presidents alike.'''

* Roe v. Wade was a 7 to 2 decision written by a justice appointed by a Republican President, [[Richard Nixon]]. In the five decades that followed Roe v. Wade, justices appointed by Republican Presidents — from [[Eisenhower]], [[Nixon]], [[Reagan]], [[George H. W. Bush|George W. [H.W.] Bush]] — were among the justices who voted to uphold the principles set forth in Roe v. Wade. &lt;br /&gt; '''It was three justices named by one President — [[Donald Trump]] — who were the core of today’s decision to upend the scales of justice and eliminate a fundamental right for women in this country.''' &lt;br /&gt; Make no mistake: This decision is the culmination of a deliberate effort over decades to upset the balance of our law. It’s a realization of an extreme ideology and a tragic error by the Supreme Court, in my view.

* The Court has done what it has never done before: expressly take away a constitutional right that is so fundamental to so many Americans that had already been recognized.The Court’s decision to do so will have real and immediate consequences. State laws banning abortion are automatically taking effect today, jeopardizing the health of millions of women, some without exceptions. 

* '''This a sad day for the country, in my view, but it doesn’t mean the fight is over.''' Let me be very clear and unambiguous: The only way we can secure a woman’s right to choose and the balance that existed is for Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade as federal law. No executive action from the President can do that. And if Congress, as it appears, lacks the vote — votes to do that now, voters need to make their voices heard.This fall, we must elect more senators and representatives who will codify a woman’s right to choose into federal law once again, elect more state leaders to protect this right at the local level. We need to restore the protections of Roe as law of the land. We need to elect officials who will do that.This fall, Roe is on the ballot. Personal freedoms are on the ballot. The right to privacy, liberty, equality, they’re all on the ballot. Until then, I will do all in my power to protect a woman’s right in states where they will face the consequences of today’s decision.

* While the Court’s decision casts a dark shadow over a large swath of the land, many states in this country still recognize a woman’s right to choose. So if a woman lives in a state that restricts abortion, the Supreme Court’s decision does not prevent her from traveling from her home state to the state that allows it. It does not prevent a doctor in that state — in that state from treating her. As the Attorney General has made clear, women must remain free to travel safely to another state to seek the care they need. And my administration will defend that bedrock right. If any state or local official, high or low, tries to interfere with a woman’s ex- — exercising her basic right to travel, I will do everything in my power to fight that deeply un-American attack.

* My administration will also protect a woman’s access to medications that are approved by the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — like contraception, which is essential for preventative healthcare; mifepristone, which the FDA approved 20 years ago to safely end early pregnancies and is commonly used to treat miscarriages.Some states are saying that they’ll try to ban or severely restrict access to these medications. But extremist governors and state legislators who are looking to block the mail or search a person’s medicine cabinet or control a woman’s actions by tracking data on her apps she uses are wrong and extreme and out of touch with the majority of Americans.

* I’ve warned about how this decision risks the broader right to privacy for everyone. That’s because Roe recognized the fundamental right to privacy that has served as the basis for so many more rights that we have come to take — we’ve come to take for granted that are ingrained in the fabric of this country: the right to make the best decisions for your health; the right to use birth control — a married couple — in the privacy of their bedroom, for God’s sake; the right to marry the person you love. Now, Justice Thomas said as much today. He explicitly called to reconsider the right of marriage equality, the right of couples to make their choices on contraception. This is an extreme and dangerous path the Court is now taking us on.

* Let me close with two points. First, '''I call on everyone, no matter how deeply they care about this decision, to keep all protests peaceful.''' Peaceful, peaceful, peaceful. No intimidation. Violence is never acceptable. Threats and intimidation are not speech. We must stand against violence in any form regardless of your rationale. Second, I know so many of us are frustrated and disillusioned that the Court has taken something away that’s so fundamental. I know so many women are now going to face incredibly difficult situations. I hear you. I support you. I stand with you. The consequences and the consensus of the American people — core principles of equality, liberty, dignity, and the stability of the rule of law — demand that Roe should not have been overturned. '''With this decision, the conservative majority of the Supreme Court shows how extreme it is, how far removed they are from the majority of this country. They have made the United States an outlier among developed nations in the world. But this decision must not be the final word. My administration will use all of its appropriate lawful powers. But Congress must act. And with your vote, you can act. You can have the final word. This is not over.'''

===== Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (25 June 2022) =====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/25/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-s-2938-the-bipartisan-safer-communities-act/ &quot;Remarks at Signing of S.2938, the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act&quot; (25 June 2022)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''While [[w:Bipartisan Safer Communities Act|this bill]] doesn’t do everything I want, it does include actions I’ve long called for that are going to save lives.''' It funds crisis intervention, including red-flag laws. It keeps guns out of the hands of people who are a danger to themselves and to others. And it finally closes what is known as the “boyfriend loophole.” So if you assault your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t buy a gun or own a gun. &lt;br /&gt; It requires young people ages 18 to 21 to undergo enhanced background checks. It includes the first-ever federal law that makes gun trafficking and straw purchases distinct federal crimes for the first time. It clarifies who needs to register as a federally licensed gun dealer, and run background checks before selling a single weapon. &lt;br /&gt; You know, this is — also provides historic funding to address the youth mental health crisis in this country, especially — especially the trauma experienced by the survivors of this gun violence.

* When it seems impossible to get anything done in Washington, we are doing something consequential. If we can reach [[compromise]] on [[guns]], we ought to be able to reach compromise in other critical issues, from veterans’ healthcare to cutting-edge American innovation, and so much more. &lt;br /&gt; I know there’s much more work to do, and I’m never going to give up. But this is a monumental day. God bless us with the strength to continue to work to get the work that’s left undone done, and the lives lost that can’t be saved that obviously are gone but will be an inspiration for us to do more.

==== July 2022 ====

* Congress must act to codify Roe and the filibuster should not stand in the way. But right now, we don't have the votes to change the filibuster. That means we need to elect more Democratic senators and reelect our House majority in November to get this bill to my desk.
** [https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1544826029616898048 Via Twitter (July 6, 2022)]

== Quotes about Biden ==

&lt;small&gt;(Alpha order by author/source)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Biden and Harris walk to Oval Office.jpg|thumb|&quot;Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.&quot; - [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine.]]

[[File:BeauBiden-DOJ2013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|&quot;Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, 'Where'd this come from?' he'd always talk about his dad.&quot; - Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden|Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general.]]

* One of the things I like about the fact of the Biden-Harris plan is that they are, number one, not talking about taking people's healthcare.... The Biden-Harris plan is talking about raising people's living wages, $15 an hour. The Trump-Pence plan is talking about giving more money to the wealthy. In fact, the Trump-Pence-McConnell plan, they refuse to pass a stimulus because they want another $200 billion in tax cuts, they want money for a fighter jet, and they want to protect corporations from liability when those corporations didn't protect their people from coronavirus. So, what we have is two different worlds operating.... So, on the one hand, while Pence and — while Biden and Harris may not be every, fully where the Poor People's Campaign are, they are in the world of wanting to do more. They're in the sphere of wanting to increase. They're in the sphere of wanting to make sure that the people have what they need, as opposed to wanting to only secure the wealthy and the greedy. 
** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''Democracy Now''], (8 October 2020)

* President [[Joe Biden]] and the Democratic Congress are facing a crisis as the popular domestic agenda they ran on in the 2020 elections is held hostage by two corporate Democratic senators: fossil-fuel consigliere [[w:Joe Manchin|Joe Manchin]] and payday-lender favorite [[Kyrsten Sinema]].
** [[Medea Benjamin]] in [https://www.fairobserver.com/region/north_america/medea-benjamin-nicolas-js-davies-us-military-budget-republicans-democrats-congress-military-industrial-complex-93492/ Congress Fights Over Childcare But Not the Military, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies, Fair Observer] (7 October 2021)

* Everything was upside-down&lt;br&gt;There was this lovely wife, who was just as much a part of the Senate win as he was, and she was gone.&lt;br&gt;Joe went into himself for a time&lt;br&gt;I spent a year with him. We traveled together, we skied in Vermont.&lt;br&gt;His sense of frustration was intense
** [[Jim Biden]] in [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-08-14-8703010847-story.html 14 August 1987 interview with Elaine S. Povich of the ''Chicago Tribune'']

* Mr. Vice President, there's a saying in my community that you're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor.
** [[Cory Booker]] in [[Democratic]] [[debate]] ({{#formatdate:2019-07-31}}), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-08-01|title=&quot;You're dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor&quot;: Cory Booker hits Biden on criminal justice reform|first=Tara|last=Golshan|periodical=Vox|url=https://www.vox.com/2019/8/1/20749908/cory-booker-biden-crime-bill-democratic-debate-2020}}

* For decades, he has been my loyal and dedicated friend. Joe has the experience, character, and decency to bring us together and restore [[American exceptionalism|America's greatness]]. We deserve a person with integrity and judgment, someone who is honest and fair, someone who is committed to what is best for the American people.
** [[Jimmy Carter]] formally endorsing Biden at the [[w:2020 Democratic National Convention|2020 Democratic National Convention]], August 18, 2020. Retrieved from [https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/dnc-2020-day-2/h_9f408f6215a37db778662c4fcd2136da Jimmy Carter: Biden is &quot;the right person for this moment in our nation's history&quot; (August 18, 2020), ''{{w|CNN}}'']

* Biden's an empty vessel. I don't think he has any firm principles.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], as quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/us-news/.premium-chomsky-white-supremacy-is-a-deep-principle-in-u-s-society-and-cultyre-1.9311389 Noam Chomsky: 'White Supremacy Is a Deep Principle in U.S. Society – and Jews Are Familiar With That' (November 16, 2020), ''[[w:Haaretz|Haaretz]]'']

* It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer
** Ben Crump, attorney of [[Jacob Blake]] ([https://waow.com/2020/09/03/live-updates-biden-meets-with-blake-family-upon-arrival-in-wisconsin/ September 3, 2020])

* You have hundreds of thousands of people pouring across every month&lt;br&gt;Not only are they letting them through, they're farming them out all across the country, putting them on planes, putting them on buses. Do you think they're worrying about COVID for that? Of course not.&lt;br&gt;Whatever variants there are around the world, they're coming across that southern border.&lt;br&gt;He's not shutting down the virus. He's helping facilitate it.&lt;br&gt;Why don't you get this border secure?&lt;br&gt;Until you do that, I don't want to hear a blip about COVID from you.
** [https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2021/08/04/desantis-to-biden-i-dont-want-to-hear-a-blip-about-covid-from-you/ 4 August 2021] by Florida's governor [[Ron DeSantis]]

* Biden and Harris show where the nation is heading: a blend of ethnicities, lived experiences and worldviews that must find a way forward together if the American experiment is to survive.
** [[w:Edward Felsenthal|Edward Felsenthal]], editor in chief of ''Time'' magazine, [https://time.com/person-of-the-year-2020-joe-biden-kamala-harris-choice/ discussing the magazine's selection of both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as the 2020 joint &quot;Person of the Year.&quot;] (December 21, 2020)

* I think he has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades
** [[Robert Gates]], former U.S. Defense Secretary, says of Joe Biden in his book ''Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War'' ([https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/01/robert-gates-thinks-joe-biden-hasnt-stopped-being-wrong-40-years/356785/ 2014]).

* In Joe Biden, we'll have a leader who prioritizes common ground and civility over alienation, bullying, and scorched-earth tactics.
** [[w:Caroline Giuliani|Caroline Giuliani]], daughter of [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted by {{citation|author=Veronica Stracqualursi|date=2020-10-16|title=Rudy Giuliani's daughter says to vote for Biden and Harris to end Trump's 'reign of terror'|periodical=Miami Herald|url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/16/politics/rudy-giuliani-daughter-caroline-joe-biden-2020/index.html/}}

* Again, the Democrats are urging you to vote for an obviously defective candidate. Biden has changed his principles so often, he no longer has any principles. He disavowed his authorship of the 1994 Crime Bill. He's a [[Trojan horse|Trojan Horse]] with [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]], [[Nancy Pelosi|Pelosi]], [[Black Lives Matter]] and his party's entire [[Left-wing politics|Left Wing]] hidden inside his body just waiting to execute their pro-criminal, anti-police policies.
** [[Rudy Giuliani]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-the-republican-national-convention-1 Address to the 2020 Republican National Convention], (27 August 2020)
 
* On Monday, President Biden expressed his support for a ceasefire in Gaza during a phone call with [[Israel|Israeli]] Prime Minister Benjamin Netanayhu. But Biden stopped short of directly demanding Israel halt its assault, despite growing pressure from Congress, where over two dozen Democratic senators have backed an immediate ceasefire. After Biden's call, Israel continued its attack on [[Palestine|Gaza]], which has now entered its ninth day. At the [[United Nations]], the United States once again blocked the [[W:United Nations Security Council|U.N. Security Council]] from backing a ceasefire. Israel is the largest recipient of U.S. military aid, receiving some $3.8 billion a year. In recent weeks, the Biden administration approved the sale of $735 million in precision-guided weapons to Israel
** [[Amy Goodman]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/5/18/israeli_airstrikes_gaza_hospitals_clinics ''Gaza Physician: Israel Is Targeting Doctors &amp; Health Facilities to Overwhelm Our Crumbling System], [[w:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,'']] (18 May 2021)

* Ever since I received Joe's call [asking me to be his running mate], I've been thinking . . . about the first Biden that I really came to know. Beau was the kind of guy who inspired people to be a better version of themselves. He really was the best of us. And when I would ask him, &quot;Where'd this come from?&quot; he'd always talk about his dad.
** Kamala Harris, discussing her relationship with [[w:Beau Biden|Beau Biden]] when they both served as state attorneys general, in [https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901462712/biden-and-harris-to-introduce-their-presidential-ticket-in-delaware &quot;Harris, As Biden's Running Mate, Says Case Against Trump Is 'Open And Shut.'&quot;] National Public Radio's ''Morning Edition'' program. (August 12, 2020)

* The civil rights struggle is nothing new to Joe. It's why he got into public service. It's why he helped reauthorise the Voting Rights Act and restore unemployment discrimination--and employment discrimination laws. And today, he takes his place in the ongoing story of America's march toward equality and justice as only--as the only, as the only who has served alongside the first black president and has chosen the first Black woman as his running mate.
** [[Kamala Harris]], referring to [[Barack Obama]] and herself at end. ([https://apnews.com/article/9fa729b2c5920a004b7b0cc56acd5e01 12 August 2020])

* This is a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two &quot;made&quot; senators — there's a very good chance that today's cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade.
** [[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann (October 14, 2021), ''CounterPunch'']

* Biden is totally unprepared for that post [of president], which will lead the US into a crisis.
** [[Osama bin Laden]], advising against assassinating Biden. As quoted in {{citation|date=2012-05-03|periodical=BBC|url=https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-17941778|title=Osama Bin Laden documents released}}.

* You have the great fortune of being young, I remember I was two years older than you when I went to the House. But the main point is you can remember that she was there when you won a great victory, and you enjoyed it together. And now I'm sure that she'll be watching you from now on. Good luck to you.
** [[Richard Nixon]], calling then Senator-elect Biden following the death of his wife and daughter on December 19, 1972. Retrieved from [https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-nixon-taped-joe-biden-11605472525 When Nixon Taped Joe Biden (November 15, 2020), ''{{w|The Wall Street Journal}}'']

* Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, &quot;You must be under the mistaken impression that I care.&quot; But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power.
** [[Barack Obama]], ''A Promised Land'' (2020), p. 245-246

* I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe. Am I right? They don't mess with him.
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=qLtpqKA7ANYC&amp;lpg=PA147&amp;ots=-iX_ALl4GD&amp;dq=%22oversight%20effort%20because%20nobody%20messes%20with%20joe%22&amp;pg=PA147#v=onepage Address before a joint session of Congress], February 24, 2009

* [There was] some talk about Sen. Biden — now candidate for Pres. I saw him on CNN last night speaking to the John F. Kennedy school at Harvard U. He's smooth but pure demagog[ue] — out to save Am[erica] from the Reagan doctrine.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], diary entry dated June 15, 1987. Retrieved from [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/ronald-reagan-warned-us-against-joe-biden Ronald Reagan warned us against Biden (August 11, 2020), ''{{w|The Washington Times}}'']

* We have never had a president with a longer paper trail than Joe Biden. He's taken so many different positions on the same issues so many times throughout his career that I sometimes wonder if Biden even knows anymore what he actually thinks about a particular issue. Joe Biden might tell you one thing one day and really believe it, and then the next day he's doing the exact opposite because he's cut some side deal that maybe we'll hear about in some years. Above all, Biden is an empire politician. He is someone who believes that questions of war don't really matter on a moral level, but how does it impact America's credibility, security and prestige
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/4/28/empire_politician_joe_biden_jeremy_scahill &quot;Empire Politician&quot;: Joe Biden's Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA], [[w:Democracy Now|''Democracy Now'',]] (28 April 2021)

* ''The Intercept'' conducted an exhaustive analysis of Biden's political career with a focus on his positions on dozens of U.S. wars and military campaigns, CIA covert actions, and abuses of power; his views on whistleblowers and leakers; and his shifting stance on the often contentious relationship between the executive and legislative branches over war powers.&lt;br&gt;The picture that emerges is of a man who is dedicated to the U.S. as an empire, who believes that preserving U.S. national interests and &quot;prestige&quot; on the global stage outweigh considerations of morality or even at times the deaths of innocent people. It also reveals a politician who consistently claims to hold bedrock principles but who often strays from those positions in support of a partisan agenda or because he wants a policy adopted regardless of the hypocrisy or contradictions. Nowhere is this dynamic more pronounced than on U.S. wars.
** [https://theintercept.com/2021/04/28/empire-politician-a-half-century-of-joe-bidens-stances-on-war-militarism-and-the-cia/ &quot;Empire Politician&quot;: Joe Biden's Half-Century Record on Foreign Policy, War, Militarism &amp; the CIA,] by [[Jeremy Scahill]] [[w:The Intercept|''The Intercept'']], (28 April 2021)

* Biden's election slogan was &quot;America is back.&quot; The truth is that &quot;America&quot; never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump's most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
** [[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier, ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* I think you could say it's a good thing that Joe Biden did this, and that is the withdrawal from Afghanistan... &lt;br&gt;There was an enormous amount of pressure on Joe Biden to keep the war in Afghanistan going from within his own party, certainly from the military brass. I think Biden deserves credit for standing up to them. I am not sure that if Barack Obama had been the commander-in-chief during this period he actually would have followed through as Biden did on a total withdrawal of conventional American forces. I do think someone who is this career politician specializing in foreign policy, I think Joe Biden knew the history well enough to know that he would have been taking a catastrophic gamble by keeping U.S. troops in Afghanistan. I think outside of Bernie Sanders, I think there were almost no Democratic candidates that would have had the spine to follow through on Trump's withdrawal plan. Regarding China, I think it is a bit of a wash because you have both the Democrats and Republicans taking an increasingly hostile posture. 
** [[Jeremy Scahill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/24/war_party_us_military_spending &quot;The War Party&quot;: Jeremy Scahill on How U.S. Militarism Unifies Democrats &amp; Republicans, ''Democracy Now!''] (24 November 2021) 

* Biden, a Democrat who owns guns, wants to ban the manufacture of '''high-capacity magazines''' for civilians.&lt;br&gt;Existing owners would have to register them under more restrictive federal regulations or sell them to the government.&lt;br&gt;'''Magazines holding more than 10 rounds''' are used in assault rifles,&lt;br&gt;which the gun industry calls modern sporting rifles,&lt;br&gt;and which are targeted in Biden's proposed ban. 
** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/aaronsmith/2021/03/11/biden-aims-to-ban-high-capacity-magazines-but-theres-no-ammo-for-them-anyway/?sh=283f9eab299f Aaron Smith of Forbes on 11 March 2021] 

* Biden's a stupid person
** [[Donald Trump]], speaking during a [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/09/politics-live-news-trump-biden-campaigns-ramp-200907150550637.html White House press conference on September 7, 2020].

* I think there's probably—possibly—drugs involved, That's what I hear. I mean, there's possibly drugs. I don't know how you can go from being so bad where you can't even get out a sentence.
** [[Donald Trump]], talking about Joe Biden according to [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/09/donald-trump-joe-biden-drugs Trump two weeks away from claiming he saw Biden selling drugs outside the Washington Monument]. ''{{w|Vanity Fair}}''. (September 9, 2020).

* Running against the worst candidate in the history of presidential politics puts pressure on me . . . Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life, what am I going to do? I'm going to say, 'I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics.' I'm not going to feel so good. Maybe I'll have to leave the country?
** [[Donald Trump]], at a campaign rally in Georgia in October 2020. ([https://www.nbc12.com/2020/10/19/trump-suggests-hell-leave-country-if-he-loses-biden/ (October 19, 2020)]).

 
=== [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/11/23/noam_chomsky_on_bidens_foreign_policy Is China Really a Threat? Noam Chomsky Slams Biden For Increasingly Provocative Actions in Region (November 23, 2021), ''Democracy Now!''] ===

* Right at the same time as Keating's article, Australia's leading military correspondent Brian Toohey, highly knowledgeable, did an assessment of the relative military power of China, in their own region of China and the United States and its allies Japan and Australia. It's laughable. One [[w:U.S. Trident submarine|U.S. Trident submarine]], now being replaced by even more lethal ones — one U.S. submarine can destroy almost 200 cities anywhere in the world with its [[nuclear weapons]]. China in the South China Sea has four old noisy submarines which can't even get out because they're contained by superior U.S. and Allied Force...&lt;br&gt;In the face of this, the United States is sending a fleet of nuclear submarines to Australia. That's the [[W:AUKUS|AUKUS deal—the Australia, U.K., United States]]—which have no strategic purpose whatsoever.&lt;br&gt;They will not even be in operation for 15 years, but they do incite China almost certainly to [[Military-industrial complex|build up its lagging military forces,]] increasing the [[Profit|level]] of [[w:Arms industry|confrontation]]. There are problems in the South China Sea that can be met with [[diplomacy]] and [[negotiations]], the regional powers taking the lead, could go into the details. &lt;br&gt;But '''the right measure is not increasing provocation, increasing the threat of an accidental development which could lead to devastating, even Earthly-terminal [[nuclear war]].''' But that is the direction the Biden administration is following, expansion of the Trump programs. That is the core of their [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy programs]].

== Taglines ==

* That's no malarkey, That's a fact.

== See also ==

* [[2020 United States presidential election]]
* [[Presidency of Joe Biden]]
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]
* [[Kamala Harris]]

== External links ==

* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{commonscat-inline}}
* {{wikisource-inline|Author:Joseph Robinette Biden}}

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Not quotable. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:43, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 05:00, 3 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* Keep? Seems like a another nomination of a stub on the basis that it's a stub. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:16, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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Insufficient quotes, should be merged into [[Mario (franchise)]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:11, 29 June 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 02:00, 6 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* * Keep? Seems like a another nomination of a stub on the basis that it's a stub. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:18, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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== [[:2008–09 Keynesian resurgence]] ==

Not quotable. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:33, 2 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Keep''' There's nothing wrong with stubs. I find it hard to believe that in a subject covering two years of national history, there simply no extant quotes that would be appropriate. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:52, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 22:00, 9 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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    <id>249029</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150481</id>
      <parentid>3149912</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T21:08:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>ahem</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="33433" xml:space="preserve">{{Talkheader}}
{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

= Settings =

{{/cs}}

= Questions =

== Tagging socks ==

[[User_talk:Aphaia#IP_address_ban_and_Mass_deletion_of_articles|This is your sign to stop tagging socks]], it is now disrupting wiki-editing events. If you continue to tag socks disruptively, violating [[:w:WP:DENY]] and tagging innocent users, I will consider blocking you from the User: namespace here on Wikiquote. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:53, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Ferien}} I promise to not only stop tagging socks, but that will I will also stop editing in other's user namespace. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::Sounds good to me, thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:38, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Ferien}} I will also take a short break from editing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:02, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} I think I have developed a negative editing pattern, which is why I am taking a break. The negative editing pattern is this:
::::: Originally there was a lot of stuff for me to do on Wikiquote that didn't require other editors, so I started spending a lot of time here, but eventually most of the stuff I wanted to do here started to require waiting for other editors, but I continued to be on Wikiquote just as much, so what would happen is that I would make &quot;filler edits&quot; (edits that don't really contribute anything to anyone, myself included), and when anything interesting would happen, I would way over-do my editing.
::::So will be on Wikiquote less often, so when I am online I can make actually helpful contributions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:31, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== Umm... ==

You know, saying you're NOT a sockpuppet is like saying you are. [[Special:Contributions/65.184.185.156|65.184.185.156]] 02:34, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

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== No thank you. ==

We are not in the business of pre-emptively registering hypothetical obscene variations on our usernames &quot;just in case.&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

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{{VFDNote|Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P}} [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:39, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

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==Template:Uw-speedydeletion==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Template:Uw-speedydeletion]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Uw-speedydeletion]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
==Template:Hang on/notice2==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Template:Hang on/notice2]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Hang on/notice2]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:03, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
==Category:Suspected sockpuppets==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Category:Suspected sockpuppets]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected sockpuppets]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:03, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
==Template:Sockpuppet/categorise==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:03, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
==Template:Ping all administrators==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Template:Ping all administrators]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping all administrators]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:03, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
==Template:Election results==
A page that you have been involved in editing, [[:Template:Election results]], has been listed for [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|deletion]].  All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the nomination for deletion (see also [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote|what Wikiquote is]] and [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|is not]]). If you are interested in the discussion, please participate by adding your comments at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Election results]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Thank you.  [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:03, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

==Note==
After spending a non-insignificant amount of time trying to clean up the large amount of your templates that have been nominated for deletion (and which have almost entirely seen community consensus to delete). You need to slow your roll. Uf you want to test functionality, you need to use one of the test wikis, not a live project.

At the very least, if I see you importing another template wholesale from Wikipedia (like Db-g12) that is not applicable to this project and/or not adapted to this project, I'm going to block you without further warning. This isn't a sandbox, and you're creating a lot of work for others because you want to experiment and can't seem to clean up after yourself. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>bj1aur7xf0e17gjylaup1qv7oytvl3l</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ice Age</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249298</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150342</id>
      <parentid>3145725</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:18:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Ice Age */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1258" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Keep. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:18, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Ice Age]] ==

Highly specific template not suitable for general use, probably best to move into a transcluded subpage. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 02:00, 20 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Keep'''. I don't understand the concern - we have similar templates for many other film franchises, to make it easier for users to find other films in the series. I don't see the harm in its use. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:16, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Keep''' Seems like a reasonably useful template. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:38, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>s5w1kcz0u2dhuewqt3qtkd0yndc3iyk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Duplicate (10x)</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249420</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150349</id>
      <parentid>3145724</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:32:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Duplicate (10x) */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3216" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. 

{{re|Ilovemydoodle}} If you would like to test certain functionalities, you should do so on one of the test wikis. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:32, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Duplicate (10x)]] ==

Unclear use case; I can't think of a reason to decuplicate some given content. Only transcluded in userspace, apparently for testing (though without any context). — &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 15:16, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:'''Keep''' useful for testing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:: Testing what? &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 11:37, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Various. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::: Not helpful. Note that Wikiquote is not for testing the MediaWiki parser. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 12:09, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 16:00, 23 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''' - do not see the need for this template. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:16, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|UDScott}} That is intentional, it is only meant for testing preposes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::What is intentional? I meant that ''I'' do not see the need for this template, hence my vote to delete. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:59, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. Not a useful template. Repeating the same text over and over is just not useful functionality in actual pages. This is used in three places, two &quot;click this page to crash your browser&quot; type pages and [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive/error|this]] completely deranged &quot;error message&quot; that has no business at all being output by any template. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:19, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' as not needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:37, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>fa7qzrm94q9uqb0b5i6waz6030ug0p1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Formatting</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249474</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150355</id>
      <parentid>3145720</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:57:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Formatting */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7943" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:57, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Formatting]] ==

Ridiculously large, confusing and poorly made warning template that imparts no useful information on its recipients. This warning template has two main parts. The first of these requires recipients to play a game of &quot;spot the difference&quot; to try to figure out what the actual issue is. There are a number of problems with this section
# Many of the &quot;issues&quot; identified are not actually issues but are actually pointless cosmetic edits. &lt;code&gt;==Title==&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;== Title ==&lt;/code&gt; are the exact same thing, and there is no basis in the manual of style for preferring one over the other. Another example is &lt;code&gt;*List item&lt;/code&gt; vs &lt;code&gt;* List item&lt;/code&gt; - these produce identical HTML and output so there is no reason to swap between them.
# Some of the issues are impossible to actually recreate, e.g. how do you &quot;reverse indent&quot; a piece of text in an actual page?
# The issue that lead to the editor receiving this message may or may not be in the examples given, and it is going to be basically impossible for the recipient to work out what the &quot;problem&quot; actually is.
# Some of these issues would fundamentally break a page (e.g. unbalanced tags) and the requirement to fix them is unrelated to the manual of style that recipients are instructed to read.
# The examples have a really weird &quot;indented&quot; layout, which both makes the text really difficult to read and results in invalid Wikitext (you can't indent headings and list items in an actual page, so why are you doing it in an example of &quot;correct formatting&quot;.

The second section is instructions to fix bad formatting. This instructs recipients to use regular expressions. 90%+ of editors are not going to use regular expressions in their editing and most people will not be able to understand them, so giving them as the only example of how to fix issues is rather unhelpful. There is no information as to what these regular expressions are supposed to fix, and a lot of them look like more cosmetic editing. That's not even including the fact that &quot;copy and paste this character&quot; is not a regular expression of any kind.

I think anyone receiving this message is going to at best be left completely confused, and at worst get the wrong idea that performing cosmetic edits like adjusting spacing in headings is useful work. This formatting warning template contains basically no information on how to actually structure or format a page. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:19, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

:'''Keep''' While I agree that the message is confusing and could certainly be improved, it is useful and is based on MOS. I will be cleaning it up shortly. Improvements or suggestions would be helpful. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:29, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::What part of the manual of style tells people that they have to format their wikitext in a specific way, even when it makes no difference at all to the final page? It isn't  anywhere in [[Wikiquote:Manual of style]]. In fact on many projects this kind of editing is actually banned. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:35, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::See the section “List style”. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:44, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::That's about leaving ''blank lines'' between list items, which results in broken HTML (because you end up with multiple lists). leaving ''spaces'' between the bullet point/number and the following text (or not) is completely acceptable and has no effect on the page output. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:49, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::It also shows spaces. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::It shows spaces because that was the personal preference of the person who wrote that section. ''Nowhere'' in the related text does it say that spaces are required. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:28, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Generally having spaces is the “consensus” as it is done on most pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:48, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::: Can you point out consensus for changing one of the styles to the other? &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 09:42, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:51, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::'''Delete'''. If anything, just using {{tl|welcome}} should be enough. If you want to make a similar message that explicitly calls out the MoS, maybe that could be helpful. I think the current template is just a bit too much and confusing. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:37, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Koavf}} If I made this template into a welcome message could we keep it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:51, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::If it were a different template, then it may make sense to keep, but I don't know that it's really necessary. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:25, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Well this is very useful to me, as I see a lot of newcomers making formatting mistakes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:27, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::: Can you elaborate why the examples shown in the template are &quot;mistakes&quot;? &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 09:41, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Per MOS. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:23, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} {{done}} created welcome template. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:59, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 01:00, 26 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per the reasons cited in the nom. This appears to be another unnecessary template. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:22, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:34, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:GUS2Wiki</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249475</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150587</id>
      <parentid>3147305</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T07:22:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Alexis Jazz</username>
        <id>77985</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Updating gadget usage statistics from [[Special:GadgetUsage]] ([[phab:T121049]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1312" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifexist:Project:GUS2Wiki/top|{{/top}}|This page provides a historical record of [[Special:GadgetUsage]] through its page history. To get the data in CSV format, see wikitext. To customize this message or add categories, create [[/top]].}}
The following data is cached, and was last updated 2022-07-31T20:55:39Z. A maximum of {{PLURAL:5000|one result is|5000 results are}} available in the cache.
{| class=&quot;sortable wikitable&quot;
! Gadget !! data-sort-type=&quot;number&quot; | Number of users !! data-sort-type=&quot;number&quot; | Active users
|-
|Cat-a-lot || 86 || 10
|-
|CleanDeleteReasons || 146 || 2
|-
|EnhancedInterwikis || 309 || 5
|-
|HideFundraisingNotice || 311 || 9
|-
|HighlightAdmins || 420 || 8
|-
|HotCat || 690 || 29
|-
|UTCLiveClock || 587 || 8
|-
|edittop || 474 || 11
|-
|exlinks || 395 || 6
|-
|hideimages || 54 || 0
|-
|newpagesbox || 281 || 6
|-
|recentchangesbox || 268 || 4
|-
|sysopdectector || 430 || 11
|-
|userMessages || 217 || 4
|}
* [[Special:GadgetUsage]]
* [[m:Meta:GUS2Wiki/Script|GUS2Wiki]]
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CleanDeleteReasons,146,2
EnhancedInterwikis,309,5
HideFundraisingNotice,311,9
HighlightAdmins,420,8
HotCat,690,29
UTCLiveClock,587,8
edittop,474,11
exlinks,395,6
hideimages,54,0
newpagesbox,281,6
recentchangesbox,268,4
sysopdectector,430,11
userMessages,217,4
--&gt;</text>
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    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:N</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249499</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150356</id>
      <parentid>3145726</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T16:58:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:N */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1391" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:58, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:N]] ==

A template which contains literally nothing. It's a blank line in a template. This is completely unused, and there are no situations where this should be used. Editors should not be inserting blank lines into articles via templates, and in other templates you can use the &amp;#60;p&gt; or &amp;#60;br&gt; html tags, there's no need to use this. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:35, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 26 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Delete''' Unused and replaced. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:54, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:58, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:39, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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  <page>
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    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249501</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150357</id>
      <parentid>3146289</parentid>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Vote removed */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4616" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:01, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Vote removed]] ==

Along with all its subpages.

This template has no basis for being used in policy, despite the constant pestering by a specific user admins do not just go around randomly deleting votes and comments from discussions because they are &quot;invalid&quot; or because someone else doesn't like them. If a vote is poorly argued or has no basis in policy then admins are allowed to use their discretion and ignore/devalue it, that's why these sites run on ''consensus'', not votes.

This template is poorly thought out and doesn't work very well, you can feed it extra parameters, e.g. you can use &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{Vote removed|wmfban=true|suppressed=true}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;, in which case it produces the text &quot;Vote redacted due to severe violations of the Wikimedia Foundation's terms of service&quot;, but with four lines crossing it out. In what situation does it make sense to leave a message explaining why you have removed a vote but then deliberately make the message unreadable?

In situations where there are valid reasons to remove a message (e.g. because it's offensive, by a banned user, trolling ...) then this template just serves to feed the trolls and give them attention. Leaving a massive, quadruple struck through message to the effect of &quot;A TROLL LEFT A MESSAGE HERE. IT'S BEEN DELETED, BUT THERE WAS TROLLING HERE BY A BANNED USER&quot; just serves to Streisand effect the deleted content. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:35, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 26 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;

*'''Keep''' if this template should be deleted, then shouldn't the redacted template on Wikipedia be deleted for the same reasons? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|UDScott|Koavf}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:31, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have no thoughts on any Wikipedia templates - I am not an admin there nor am I anything more than a casual user of the site. I certainly wouldn't presume to know what templates should or should not be in use there. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} Wikiquote shares most of its policy with Wikipedia, right? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:54, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|A23423413|Gilldragon}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:23, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|AC9016}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', per the reasons cited in the nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', concur with UDScott. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 23:28, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|AC9016}} If the template should be deleted, then why does the [[w:Template:Redacted|redacted template on Wikipedia]] exist? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:30, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:42, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''NOTE''' The template I originally nominated for deletion has been moved to [[Template:Removed]] and now powers [[Template:Vote removed]] and [[Template:Comment removed]]. On the basis that these are all the same thing and that the split occurred after I started this discussion I think all three of these template can be considered to be part of this nomination now? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 15:00, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
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      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
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      <comment>/* Strikethrough templates */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="14884" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== Strikethrough templates ==

This is for [[Template:Ds]], &lt;ins&gt;[[Template:Ts]],&lt;/ins&gt; [[Template:Qs]] and their associated modules, subpages, redirects etc.

Obnoxious strikethrough templates that have no real use case. The entire point of striking through text is to leave it in a state where it is readable but it is obvious that it isn't relevant anymore - it is ''not'' supposed to be used as an antivandalism measure. Good uses of strikethrough are things like amending comments after other people have replied to them, marking sock comments that are too deep in a conversation to remove, and marking up proposed changes in text. For these kind of uses the standard single line strikethrough is more than adequate. Strikethrough is not supposed to be used as a way of leaving vandalism on pages in a half readable state - if content is so egregious that it cannot remain on a page it should be removed entirely, not left intact but with a stupid number of lines crossing it out.

Looking at some of the places where this is used shows that it is nearly always an awful idea. on [[Talk:Main Page]] this is used to try to obscure an insult targeted at the subject of a photograph, but the insult is still left there for all to read. In fact the insult is probably the most attention grabbing thing on that page, by virtue of it being almost in a bold typeface due to all the lines running through it. That comment should have been removed entirely, not struck through.

Using this template is just going to result in feeding the trolls and is going to encourage them to leave more nasty messages. The way of dealing with trolling, vandals, and blocked users is revert, block and ignore. Having a scheme of strikethrough templates in increasing degrees of ridiculous and obnoxiousness so you can tell a troll exactly how offensive you found their message based on how many lines you used to strike it out just encourages them to come back.

Finally this template is a complete mess from a technical perspective. The &quot;template calls a module which calls a template&quot; setup is unnecessary and a textbook example of poor template implementation. The CSS rules used are poorly designed and used fixed pixel offsets, so the lines are in the wrong place if you change the font, text size, browser zoom level etc. The template requires three levels of span tags for some inexplicable reason. The module wraps blank lines in CSS. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:36, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 26 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Keep''' for many reasons I don’t have time to get into right now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:30, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::This is already used within MediaWiki itself, see &lt;code class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[https://github.com/wikimedia/mediawiki/blob/4045aab46ec6aebd8df0bae7842cd0d3fc8038cb/resources/src/mediawiki.interface.helpers.styles.less#L153 mw-history-suppressed]&lt;/code&gt; – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:15, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, since when are unregistered users allowed to participate in vfds? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:25, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:10, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|UDScott}} Then, why is it used in MediaWiki? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:12, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::It's used in revision lists to indicate the difference between revisions which have been deleted and those which have been suppressed. It isn't really supposed to be used in content pages - I'm certainly not not aware of any projects that use it. Even in situations where it is used (i.e. lists of revisions) it's used to indicate that content is missing, it's not used to try to stop someone reading the content by repeatedly crossing it out. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:33, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Well, this serves a similar purpose, like its use in MediaWiki, it is used for differentiation: A single strike-through is to show that something is outdated, wrong, changed, etc. (usually done by the original commenter). A double strike-through is used to show that something was remove by someone else because it was consider inappropriate. A quadruple strike-through's use is less clear, a understand why you may think it should be deleted, in-general it should be used for something more severe than double strike-through, but not severe enough for it to be removed entirely. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:45, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::If someone removes something because it is inappropriate nothing should be left in it's place. The whole point of [[W:WP:Deny recognition]] (more commonly known as &quot;do not feed the trolls&quot;) is that when you remove disruption you don't acknowledge it. As I said in my nom, having a single strike for inoffensive sock puppets, a double strike for somewhat offensive material and a quadruple strike for really offensive material means that you end up creating a game like scenario for trolls and encourage them to write the most offensive stuff possible. By using these templates you also end up in one of two scenarios - you leave material that should have been deleted on a page but with some attention grabbing formatting over the top, or you make the message about why you deleted the content unnecessarily difficult to read. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:59, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Inappropriate does not always mean trolling or vandalism (e.g. spam, off-topic, etc.) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Why would it be a good idea to leave spam on a talk page? Why shouldn't it just be removed? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:06, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

*'''Delete''' Good intentions but the justification for these templates is flawed, as outlined above. If material is extremely offensive or disruptive it should just be removed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:03, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|Rubbish computer}} This is not used if it is extremely offensive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:This is '''not''' meant for anti-vandalism. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:07, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::Well, let's look at where you have used it then.
::*[[Talk:Main Page]] egregious [[W:WP:BLP]] violation, should have been deleted
::*[[User Talk:Kalki]] comment from the &quot;2020 is a person&quot; cross wiki troll - should have been deleted
::*[[User talk:63.169.58.254]] Pure vandalism, should have been deleted
::*[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1]] Trolling from an LTA, should have been deleted. This illustrates perfectly the &quot;turning vandalism into a game&quot; comments I've been making - the comments above were &quot;only&quot; offensive enough for double strikethrough?
::All of these seem like you've been using it on vandalism? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:24, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I do agree that those were misuses and you may remove them. But, that does not negate my point. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:26, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, a user may keep troll/lta comments on their talk page if they wish. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:27, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Yes, so why have you been running around redacting them? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:29, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I really don't see what your point is. Above you say that this is supposed to be used on spam (which should be removed for the same reason as vandalism) and off topic comments. I really don't think the use on off topic comments is appropriate, it's verry [[W:WP:BITE]]EY for newbies who don't know what talk pages are for to have their comments struck through in this manner. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:29, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Full spam should be removed. The purpose of this is for comments most people wouldn't want to see (not as in offensive, just irrelevant, or not worth reading for other reasons) so someone can just skip the striked-out comments. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:32, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::And who gets to be the arbiter of which comments are worth reading? Why is it necessary to use such ridiculously over the top formatting on a message just because it's a bit off topic? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:34, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Not for things that are a bit off-topic. Mainly for stuff that isn't constructive, but not enough to remove. Also, this has other uses (e.g. suppressed history, other removed things, etc.) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:43, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::What is &quot;stuff that isn't constructive, but not enough to remove&quot;? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:47, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::E.g. A vote that includes no valid reasons. Using a talk page as a general forum. etc. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:49, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::These both shouldn't be struck out. They should have replies to them and the user can make a choice on whether to strike these comments out yourself. But you, or any other user other than the person who commented originally, should not strike these comments. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:02, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Again, why is it necessary to use such over the top formatting and strike a comment out with either 2 or 4 lines just because it isn't constructive?
::::::::The whole point of supressing material is to remove it from the public view. Why would you leave a crossed out message like &quot;THIS COMMENT HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE IT INCLUDED PERSONAL INFORMATION&quot; when supressing stuff? The whole point of suppression is to limit the spread of the content - leaving messages where it has been removed would just [[W:Streisand effect]] it and make other people go out of their way to find it.
::::::::&quot;It might be useful for other stuff&quot; is too vague to actually comment on and isn't a use case. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:49, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No I don’t mean ''actually'' suppressed stuff, I mean examples. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::[[Wikiquote:Oversight]] is a redirect page telling people to go look at the documentation on meta. When the help page for this tool is on another project why would we need local examples of what it looks like, and where do you envision these examples occurring frequently enough to merit a template? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:55, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::For example: If someone was showing the revhistory of a page in wikitext form. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Where on earth would that kind of thing occur? Why would you need to have the page history in wikitext form, rather than just linking to the page history? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:03, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::I have seen this done several times before. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:04, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Where, on this project, have you seen people writing wikitext pages that are supposed to look like page histories? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:06, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Not on this project, but I have seen it on other projects. Anyway this isn't the main point, just a side benefit. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:07, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
{{ping|Gilldragon}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:01, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

{{ping|Ferien|UDScott|Rubbish computer|Ilovemydoodle}} I've added the brand new ''triple strikethrough'' template to this nomination, because it's the exact same thing and has the exact same issues as the other two templates I nominated. Courtesy ping as a notification. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 22:56, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:I would include this template in my opinion registered above - I believe all should be '''deleted'''. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:56, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete all''' including the new template brought up, as above. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 21:41, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Graça Machel</title>
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      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[Graca Machel]] to [[Graça Machel]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="1267" xml:space="preserve">Graca Machel born 17 October 1945 is a Mozambican humanitarian and politician. She has served as a first lady for two countries namely Mozambique and South Africa. She was the wife to the late former Presidents Samora Machel from the years (1975- 1986)  and Nelson Mandela (1998- 2013). She is an international advocate for children and women's rights.
[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb]]

== Quotes ==

* ' Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority'.
* 'Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination'
* &quot;The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women'
* [https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022

== External References ==

* [https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022


[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]</text>
      <sha1>53sd5kbvgskur6h1y8z0yw9lgztvn1o</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150283</id>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2000" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]</text>
      <sha1>34qaq5988dsislyfwvxi0jj6pvoe10x</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150284</id>
      <parentid>3150283</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:47:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Women politicians]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2031" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]</text>
      <sha1>p2g8f0ay12brgbew6qmlbaj4jmvmrn2</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150285</id>
      <parentid>3150284</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:47:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Children's rights activists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2072" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Children's rights activists]]</text>
      <sha1>clcty5q0dpj8eocml4gr1fk8vfe6r9p</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150286</id>
      <parentid>3150285</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:48:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2089" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumDame Graça Machel]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Children's rights activists]]</text>
      <sha1>r0dtf4tfuakwjvcxbm2say4w26k9puc</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150287</id>
      <parentid>3150286</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:48:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2090" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thum|Dame Graça Machel]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Children's rights activists]]</text>
      <sha1>6ff72qyqhcxoohlyfboeuj2qh32la74</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150288</id>
      <parentid>3150287</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:48:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2091" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb|Dame Graça Machel]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Children's rights activists]]</text>
      <sha1>6ex5o65wmrzlbpf8t468z9lzch5akjl</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150289</id>
      <parentid>3150288</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T14:49:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Government ministers]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2125" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Graca Machel, World Economic Forum on Africa 2010.jpg|thumb|Dame Graça Machel]]
'''[[w:Graça Machel|Dame Graça Machel]]''' [[w:Fellow of the British Academy|FBA]] ([[w:née|née]] '''Simbine'''; born 17 October 1945) is a [[w:Mozambique|Mozambican]] politician and humanitarian. She is the widow of former President of Mozambique [[w:Samora Mache|l]] (1975–1986) and former President of South Africa [[Nelson Mandela]] (1998–2013). Machel is an international advocate for women's and children's rights and was made an honorary British [[w:Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire|Dame]] by Queen [[Elizabeth II]] in 1997 for her humanitarian work. She is the only woman in modern history to have served as First Lady of two countries, [[South Africa]] and [[w:Mozambique|Mozambique]]. She is a member of the [[w:Africa Progress Panel|Africa Progress Panel (APP)]], a group of ten distinguished individuals who advocate at the highest levels for equitable and sustainable development in Africa. As a panel member she facilitates coalition building to leverage and broker knowledge, and convenes decision-makers to influence policy for lasting change in Africa.

== Quotes ==
=== &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot; (26 June 2009) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://youtube/Oo10msD0UuY &quot;Graca Machel: Traditional practices put women in positions of inferiority&quot;] (26 June 2009) by The Elders retrieved 21 July 2022&lt;/small&gt;

* Tradition has developed into practices which overtime have become beliefs which in essence they put women in a position of inferiority.

* Tradition has developed a hierarchy in relationship between men and women that leads to discrimination.

* The role tradition has played in the relationship in the family between men and women has been detrimental to women.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Machel, Graça}}
[[Category:Women's rights activists]]
[[Category:1945 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:Children's rights activists]]
[[Category:Government ministers]]</text>
      <sha1>e5jn29dhf32quec2vpw2iotsmuvtke2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:LTADatabase</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249560</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150364</id>
      <parentid>3147043</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:10:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:LTADatabase */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2635" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:10, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:LTADatabase]] ==

There are many issues with this page and many reasons why it really isn't a good idea.

Let's start with how well this works as a template. Well, the biggest issue here is that this isn't a template - it's just a bulleted list. It has no template functionality at all. In addition there's nowhere this would make sense to use it as a template, where would it be useful to transclude a massive list of every account ever used by every LTA ever onto a page?

I don't think the content here is of much use either. This &quot;database&quot; is hopelessly incomplete - it contains a grand total of two &quot;&quot;LTAs&quot;&quot;, each of which lists a single account or IP. One of the listings is a disruptive IP with less than 500 total edits, they're not an LTA by any reasonable measure. Keeping an up to date list of all the accounts used by LTAs would be an enormous amount of work for next to no benefit. A list of account names used by an LTA is of essentially no use as an anti-vandalism or anti-sockpuppetry measure, it doesn't aid in identifying or blocking future socks and it doesn't really aid in clean-up.

Finally, the standard way of dealing with LTAs is &quot;block, revert, ignore&quot;, more commonly known as &quot;do not feed the trolls&quot;. Making a &quot;shrine&quot; for vandal accounts is counterproductive and just encourages the vandals to come back. The English wikipedia has stopped tagging socks by LTAs for this reason - getting huge numbers of accounts tagged as socks turned into a game for a lot of vandals.

Overall I just don't think this is useful as a template, I don't think it is useful as a project page and I think it would simply act as a podium to highlight abuse and encourage LTAs to make more accounts. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:10, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 28 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', fully agree with the nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:38, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per [[w:WP:DENY]], best to ignore trolls to as great an extent as possible. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:04, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>qjbk6xy69br78mifz9waxwq5pj3jmaz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:REDACTED</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249561</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150365</id>
      <parentid>3147078</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:11:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:REDACTED */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2337" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:11, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:REDACTED]] ==

Poorly thought out template that should never be used on any talk pages.

To start with, the formatting this template produces is ridiculously obnoxious for no good reason. There is no reason at all why a &quot;comment removed&quot; message needs to be in bold and italic typeface and quadruple struck out. On the few pages where this is still present it is annoying, makes the page a pain to read and makes a mess.

Secondly, the use of this template is completely pointless. If an editor wants to remove a comment then replacing the message with &quot;'''&lt;s&gt;(Comment removed) –(Username removed)&lt;/s&gt;'''&quot; is pointless, because the message hasn't been removed, it's still in the page history for all to see, and will be there for all eternity. If an admin is removing content to revision delete it or suppress it then nothing should be left behind. In both these situations the only effect of this template is to [[W:Streisand effect]] the deleted content and make it more obvious that something has been removed.

Finally, the few uses of this template around are violations of generally accepted [[W:WP:Talk Page Etiquette]], specifically [[W:WP:REDACTED]]. Deleting your own comments when other people have replied to them is disruptive - it makes conversations impossible to follow, it removes information that may be useful in the future (i.e. it makes archives useless) and it is just generally rude and disrespectful towards other editors who have taken the effort to respond to you. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:10, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 28 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:39, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:59, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>govc0yo2bznm3c5lsrgkcg1t59w1x3d</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:T</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249562</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150368</id>
      <parentid>3147631</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T17:12:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:T */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2434" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:12, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:T]] ==

This lacks sufficient complexity to merit a template and is redundant to another template.

All this template does is make Wikilinks. The entire content of this template is &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[Template:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; You feed it the parameter &quot;foo&quot; and it makes a Wikilink to &quot;template:foo&quot;. There is absolutely no reason why completely bog standard links with no special formatting or function should be produced by a template - if you want to make a Wikilink just use the standard Wikilink mark-up. As it stands all this template does is reimplement trivial wiki mark-up in a way that will break things, e.g. the visual editor cannot edit links produced by this template as standard links.

Finally this is redundant to another template. The template {{tl|tl}} has been around for years, has the exact same function of making links to templates, but actually includes some format to pretty up the result. This should either be deleted or turned into a redirect to the {{tl|tl}} template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:10, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Fixed, it now redirects to {{Tl|Tl}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:31, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 28 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom (and agree with the appearance of redundancy). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 23:40, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:18, 22 July 2022 (UTC)
* '''Keep''' as shortcut; this is relatively common on other wikis too. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 18:42, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>1z8ytocxk1c2scojguirdcqig5n8kxg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Change title</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249606</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150441</id>
      <parentid>3147080</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:08:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Change title */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2689" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Change title]] ==

Completely pointless and harmful template. This template recreates functionality built into Mediawiki in a stupid way that fundamentally breaks pages it is used on.

As most of you probably know, if you want to have the title at the top of a page be different from the title the page is actually located at you can use the &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DISPLAYTITLE}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; magic word, like this &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DISPLAYTITLE:New page title}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; This template does the exact same thing, but does it in the most ridiulous way possible.

The first thing the template does is &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{DISPLAYTITLE:&lt;span style=&quot;font-size: 0%; color: #FFFFFF;&quot;&gt;{{FULLPAGENAME}}&lt;/span&gt;}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. What this is doing is using the displaytitle magic word to set the title of the page to its current title, but wrapped in CSS so that the text size is 0%. The second bit of the template then makes a paragraph, sets the font and size to make it look a bit like a title then uses CSS to move it to about where the title should be.

There are numerous issues with doing this, notably:
* This completely fucks up the underlying HTML structure of the page. The thing that the page considers to be the heading (i.e. the thing wrapped in h1 tags) is still the old page title. The thing that is being shown to the readers as the title is actually a random paragraph with some CSS over the top. This completely breaks anything that relies on the HTML structure of the page, e.g. screen readers, web crawlers, bots.
* This template only works properly if you are using the old vector skin, as it hardcodes the appearance and location of the &quot;paragraph displayed as a title&quot;.
* The ability to do what this template does is already built into Mediawiki and is completely trivial to use.

There is no good reason for this template to exist. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:08, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:30, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 18:01, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>qwm9btxrg5jrtl573udizy7zgxbhrm8</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249607</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150444</id>
      <parentid>3147096</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:20:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Longquote */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2286" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Longquote]] ==

Really really badly designed quotation template that represents a security risk.

This is a quotation formatting template, but rather than being implemented normally using template styles or inline CSS it relies on the reader adding CSS rules to their common.CSS file to get the template to display properly. This is a really bad idea - firstly the user CSS is not available to logged out visitors, who make up something like 98% of page views, so almost everybody seeing this page is not going to see the template correctly. As a general principle basic page functionality should not require casual visitors to write their own CSS to use because writing custom user CSS has the potential to go catastrophically wrong and is not user friendly. 

To try to encourage people to enable the CSS required this template has a &quot;helpful&quot; installer, [[Template:Longquote/opt-in]], which copies the content of [[Template:Longquote/opt-in/preload]] to your personal CSS file. This represents a security risk. We should not, under any circumstances, be telling people who probably don't know how CSS works to copy unprotected template pages into their personal CSS file. User CSS pages are incredibly powerful, and the content put there could make the site unusable, leak personal information or contain malware. As it stands literally anyone could come along and replace [[Template:Longquote/opt-in/preload]] with malicious CSS content. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:08, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:32, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:05, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>qf8lhd3x8c7l3qn3lrljodhzncoj0dc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping active users</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249608</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150445</id>
      <parentid>3147079</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:22:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Ping active users */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1869" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:22, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Ping active users]] ==

This is a terrible idea for a template, I oppose indiscriminate mass ping templates as a matter of principle.

In the words of another editor at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping all users]], these mass ping templates are a fundamentally terrible idea and serve only to enable &quot;industrial scale pestering&quot;. In what situation is pinging every single active user on the site going to be useful, and not just a colossal nuisance? Pings are supposed to be used to get the attention of a small number of editors where they are specifically needed, if you need everybody on the site to comment on something then use one of the centralised community forums, like the village pump. Even in situations where it is appropriate to ping everyone I think it is much more &quot;healthy&quot; to force the pinging user to do it manually (which at least forces them to consider &quot;do I really need to ping all these people?&quot;) as opposed to turning it into a throwaway, easy to do operation. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:08, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:33, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' Not a useful or necessary template. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:59, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>m91htdr80h3p3jnldx6662i8dn7nvmm</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Bansock</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249609</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150446</id>
      <parentid>3147083</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:24:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Bansock */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1949" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:24, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Bansock]] ==

When used this template does three things:
# It creates a copy of [[Template:PotentialLTA]], currently nominated for deletion [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:PotentialLTA|here]].
# It pings every single administrator on the site.
# It pings every single active editor on the site.

The PotentialLTA template is nominated for deletion as an unnecessary duplicate of {{tl|sockpuppet}} with a over the top message that only serves to encourage sockmasters and some completely useless &quot;confirm or deny&quot; buttons that don't do anything useful. 

In addition to the problems with that template that have lead to it heading towards deletion the additional pinging functionality here is not useful. Pinging every single administrator is not necessary and is only going to become a nuisance. Pinging editors who aren't actually admins and can't do anything about the vandal anyway is useless in addition to being a nuisance. Finally telling dozens and dozens of people &quot;come look at this sock account!&quot; is just feeding the trolls and giving them the attention they wanted in the first place. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:08, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:34, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 18:05, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>qq4hm5epjtoxjciz1wxbcjr8i3p0a9g</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Welcome-Formatting</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249610</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150448</id>
      <parentid>3146316</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:28:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Welcome-Formatting */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1739" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Welcome-Formatting]] ==

Adding a single sentence saying &quot;welcome to wikiquote&quot; does not fix the fundamental issues with [[Template:Formatting]] that led me to nominate it for deletion. In summary:
* The &quot;spot the difference&quot; part of the message is confusing, difficult to understand and takes multiple minutes of study to figure out what it's trying to say.
* The &quot;issues&quot; highlighted are largely completely pointless cosmetic edits that should not be made.
* There is no policy or section of the manual of style that tells editors that they must use certain types of spacing when editing.
* The regular expressions are too complex for most people to understand, this is particularly bad now that this is supposed to be a welcome template.
* The regular expressions are poorly explained, and it isn't obvious to a reader what they do or how you use them.
* The regular expressions mainly perform pointless cosmetic editing, e.g. swapping &lt;code&gt;&amp;#60;br /&gt;&lt;/code&gt; with &lt;code&gt;&amp;#60;br&gt;&lt;/code&gt;
* This talk page message is way too long for the information it is supposed to give.
— [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:09, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:35, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>2wuqf03ddh4qqnm4dpn75tddju3k8hy</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Banplz</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249611</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150459</id>
      <parentid>3147097</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:40:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Banplz */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3047" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:40, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Banplz]] ==

Along with all it's &quot;backend&quot; templates. This template essentially tries to reinvent the entire vandal reporting process, but it does so in a way that is completely inferior to [[WQ:Vandalism in progress]].

First of all lets consider the fundamental basis for this template. Why would it be better to report vandals on their own user pages, rather than at a central forum? As far as I can tell there are no advantages and plenty of disadvantages. I imagine that most admins have [[WQ:Vandalism in progress]] on their watchlist and can respond to reports there rapidly, using individual user pages splits admin attention across thousands of places. By putting the message on a user page you let the vandal know that you've spotted what they've been doing, which is only going to make things worse (e.g. make them vandalise more before they get blocked). By putting it on a user page controlled by the vandal you are just going to end up with the notice you placed there getting vandalised too.

To try to make up for the fact that this method of reporting vandals doesn't have a convenient central noticeboard to watch this template tries to reimplement that functionality using pings. Every time you use this [[Template:Banplzb]] tries to ping several dozen people, most of whom are not admins. This is a nuisance, and wastes the time of the people who receive these pings. There is no reason at all why people who are not even admins should be pinged as they won't be able to block the user anyway, and responding to a vandal requires 1 admin, not all of them.

Finally the design of this template is not good. The message is overdramatic and over the top. Posting a massive bright red message on someone's talk page that they need to be blocked '''''Immediately''''' just encourages them to come back, because it shows that they got a rise out of you. The &quot;confirm and deny&quot; buttons are pointless and don't do anything useful. The mass ping &quot;come and look at this vandal&quot; function just gives vandals attention and puts them up on a pedastal.

Overall I think that this is completely inferior to the existing, established vandal reposting forum, [[WQ:Vandalism in progress]]. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 14:10, 23 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 15:00, 30 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:36, 23 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom, not needed. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:06, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>c45vn63seyurw26rlkfwazd9pi4rd4i</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:First article</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249623</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150460</id>
      <parentid>3147098</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:42:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:First article */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="939" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:42, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}

== [[:Template:First article]] ==

Welcome template from the English Wikipedia that has nothing to do with Wikiquote. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:11, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete'''. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:42, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:06, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>mi4bygqewceb1hzd1owdvhqbkmuzkro</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sandbox link</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249624</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150461</id>
      <parentid>3147081</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:43:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Sandbox link */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1164" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:43, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Sandbox link]] ==

Trivial functionality that does not require a template. The entire content of this template is &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;the [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|sandbox]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. As part of cleaning up and localising this mess of templates I have removed this from use, because it is completely pointless. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:11, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:44, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' Not a useful template. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 18:04, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>m83z5cur9n9s8vnpgjezuip6eafcl3w</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Userspace linking templates</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249625</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150463</id>
      <parentid>3147099</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:44:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Userspace linking templates */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1532" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:44, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Userspace linking templates]] ==

This is a copy of [[W:Template:Userspace linking templates]], a navigation template from the English Wikipedia designed to help editors navigate the massive number of user link templates on that project. Two issues here:
# This template does not work, because it requires templates and modules that do not exist on this wiki
# The templates it is supposed to navigate between do not exist on this project, and they ''should not'' exist on this project, because a community the size of wikiquote does not need 100+ slightly different ways of making [[User:example|example]] ([[User talk:example|talk]] [[Special:contributions/example|contributions]]) links. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:11, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:45, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>2qiylznjxssugozrg4t06kq1ladmk33</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150464</id>
      <parentid>3150463</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:45:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>fix</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1437" xml:space="preserve">{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:44, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Userspace linking templates]] ==

This is a copy of [[W:Template:Userspace linking templates]], a navigation template from the English Wikipedia designed to help editors navigate the massive number of user link templates on that project. Two issues here:
# This template does not work, because it requires templates and modules that do not exist on this wiki
# The templates it is supposed to navigate between do not exist on this project, and they ''should not'' exist on this project, because a community the size of wikiquote does not need 100+ slightly different ways of making [[User:example|example]] ([[User talk:example|talk]] [[Special:contributions/example|contributions]]) links. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:11, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:45, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:08, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>igbrg5uy6syzse209maedd81x9lt6r4</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SpellCheck</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249626</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150465</id>
      <parentid>3147095</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:46:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:SpellCheck */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1839" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:SpellCheck]] ==

I have no idea why this was imported. This is a copy of Uw-spellcheck from the English Wikipedia, which was deleted on that project [[w:Wikipedia:Templates_for_deletion/Log/2009_September_12#Template:Uw-spellcheck|way back in 2009]] for being terrible advice. The only place this still exists is in [[W:Wikipedia:WikiProject User warnings/old details|the list]] of old, obsolete warning templates.

Per the [[Wikiquote:Manual_of_style#Spelling_style|Manual of style]] we do not want people indiscriminately running pages through an automated spell checker - the variety of English used should be chosen to match the subject of the article, and typographical errors in the original quotes should be retained. The technical advice on how to install a spellchecking extension for internet explorer of how to install this new fangled browser called &quot;Firefox&quot; which has a spellchecker built in is about as relevant and useful as you would expect for a template deleted 13 years ago. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:12, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:45, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:04, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>e8fgmrkm7p31200lf8hpqxxsy2rj1xq</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-g12</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249627</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150467</id>
      <parentid>3147052</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:48:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Db-g12 */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1617" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:48, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Db-g12]] ==

Speedy deletion tag copied from the English Wikipedia for a speedy deletion criteria that does not exist here. There is no such thing as &quot;G12&quot; speedy deletions on Wikiquote, on this project the criteria is G6. There is no point having a speedy deletion template full of links to policy pages on other projects, there is no point having a template built for admin workflows on another project (e.g. this template sorts pages into categories that don't exist here that no one would bother to check) and there is no point having a speedy deletion tag for a criteria that doesn't actually exist.

This template is also completely redundant to the existing {{tl|db}} template, which does the exact same thing (but admins might actually notice that you've used it!) — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:14, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:46, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:14, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>lj8dtdmhe33tfz7h50nswvn83l3fei1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Db-copyvio-notice</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249628</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150468</id>
      <parentid>3146965</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:50:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Db-copyvio-notice */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1180" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:50, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Db-copyvio-notice]] ==

Speedy deletion talk page notice for a speedy deletion criteria that doesn't actually exist.

This is another template that has been copied from another project that makes no sense here. There is no such thing as the &quot;G12 criteria for speedy deletion&quot; on this project, the template is full of links to policy and help pages on wikipedia and the text hasn't even been localised - it still talks about &quot;wikipedia&quot;. It would be better to leave no message at all, instead of this confusing mess. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:14, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:47, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>mmf8n36wc29r9w4u59p8vsroels6526</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GRP</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249629</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150469</id>
      <parentid>3147087</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:52:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GRP */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1223" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:52, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GRP]] ==

Empty, not useful as an anti-vandalism measure, violates [[W:WP:DENY]] (i.e. &quot;do not feed the trolls&quot;). — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:50, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 13:00, 31 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:49, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:03, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. It shouldn't even be called &quot;GRP&quot; because he doesn't have an account of that name. And this is Wikiquote, not Wikipedia. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 18:29, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>75fjfnq2lt2l0487la6z5vjz6yl73dj</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Templatesnotice</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249665</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150471</id>
      <parentid>3147640</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:59:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Templatesnotice */ close</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1339" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
{{vt|Delete. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:59, 1 August 2022 (UTC)}}
== [[:Template:Templatesnotice]] ==

This template is supposed to be used to automatically generate template documentation pages. There are two issues with it as it stands though:
# It does not work, because it requires a load of templates from the English Wikipedia which do not exist here.
# It hasn't been localised, so it attempts to generate English Wikipedia specific categories, tags, bot messages, text, see also links etc.
Given the small number of templates present on this project I think it would be easier to just write a sentence or two of documentation for these pages (something I intend to do over the next few weeks) rather than trying to get this working and localised. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:37, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 14:00, 2 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:47, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
{{vb}}</text>
      <sha1>7wnzj5ohl9k0z2i9ewqg9zwbx1y9ci6</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Tolani Baj</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249748</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150590</id>
      <parentid>3148698</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T07:34:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Celeboyz</username>
        <id>3128324</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>redirect</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="427" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Tolanibaj|Tolanibaj]]''' (born 20 October 1993) is a [[w:Nigerians|Nigerian]] actress, reality TV star, content creator, media personality and entrepreneur.

==Quotes==
* “I find it rude when a man walks through the door before a lady. Who raised you?”!
**[https://thenationonlineng.net/what-i-find-rude-in-men-by-tolani-baj/] Thenationonline.

==External Links==
{{Wikipedia}}


[[Category:Actresses from Nigeria]]</text>
      <sha1>o0n99citd28ljsvpo2li3wqsqvspd1z</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote-line</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249780</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150453</id>
      <parentid>3149082</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:34:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Longquote-line */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1353" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Longquote-line]] ==

This template consists of a single &amp;#60;hr&gt; (Horizontal rule) HTML element, wrapped in some span tags so that it only displays if you modify your personal common.css file. As I explained at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]] we should not be expecting random site visitors to write their own CSS in order to view basic quotation formatting templates. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:18, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 17:00, 5 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:07, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I just figured out why this template and [[Template:Longquote]] were created, after the discussion [[User talk:UDScott#Joe Biden|here]] they decided to made a duplicate of the blockquote template that hid the formatting and only displayed it to them. That's why these templates have the stupid &quot;you need to modify your common.css file to make them work&quot; setup - it was done deliberately so other editors wouldn't notice that the blockquote template had been added to the article against consensus. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:34, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>jxy5fgj7iemxn0jfqnteamcg23dt31z</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150454</id>
      <parentid>3150453</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T20:34:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>ce</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1355" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Longquote-line]] ==

This template consists of a single &amp;#60;hr&gt; (Horizontal rule) HTML element, wrapped in some span tags so that it only displays if you modify your personal common.css file. As I explained at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Longquote]] we should not be expecting random site visitors to write their own CSS in order to view basic quotation formatting templates. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:18, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 17:00, 5 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:07, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

:@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I just figured out why this template and [[Template:Longquote]] were created, after the discussion [[User talk:UDScott#Joe Biden|here]] they decided to made a duplicate of the blockquote template that hid the formatting so it only displayed it to them. That's why these templates have the stupid &quot;you need to modify your common.css file to make them work&quot; setup - it was done deliberately so other editors wouldn't notice that the blockquote template had been added to the article against consensus. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:34, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>m44wa226g72dohgs12chdu57wszkkf1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Etienne Courtneymfhf</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249785</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150586</id>
      <parentid>3149231</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T07:22:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Relinus</username>
        <id>3124592</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>VFD</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15" xml:space="preserve">{{vfd-new}}

Ě</text>
      <sha1>94mezoqnkqbxmhizahih1u8yzmvejoy</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Team Umizoomi</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249804</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150515</id>
      <parentid>3149759</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:00:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>184.161.36.216</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Characters */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1243" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Team Umizoomi|Team Umizoomi]]''''' is an American [[live-action]] and [[computer animation|computer-animated]] [[Musical theatre#Film and TV musicals|musical]] [[children's television series]] with an emphasis on mathematical concepts, such as counting, sequences, shapes, patterns, measurements, and equalities. Neither [[Imperial units|imperial]] nor [[Metric system|metric]] units are used in the show, meaning it can be shown in any location, regardless of which system is used locally. Using live actors and props with animated characters, vehicles and environments, the series follows the adventures of the titular Team Umizoomi, a trio of tiny superheroes who use mathematics to solve whatever problems occur in and around their home of Umi City.

==Characters==


* Madeleine Rose Yen as Milli
* Ethan Kemper as Geo
* Donovan Patton as Bot

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1594381/ Team Umizoomi on the Internet Movie Database]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20120115031955/http://www.team-umizoomi.com/ team-umizoomi.com], all about Team Umizoomi

{{DISPLAYTITLE:List of ''Team Umizoomi'' episodes}}

[[Category:Nick Jr. shows]]
[[Category:2010s Nickelodeon original series]]</text>
      <sha1>ftbl0hc0fcc9zef6nhrai0v11qysd0m</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Shirley Itumeleng Tiny Segokgo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249818</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150259</id>
      <parentid>3149879</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:38:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>{{cleanup}}</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1097" xml:space="preserve">{{people-cleanup|2022-08-01}}
A Motswana woman in politics who is a member of the National Assembly of Botswana and Pan African Parliament. Shirley is also an alumni of the Women's Caucus, a congressional policy institute for women.

== Quotes ==

* You become unstoppable when you work on things that people cant take away from you. Things like your mindset, character, personality, transparency, your entire big.
* Growth comes with pain.
* Man is not his race or ethnicity.
** [https://www.facebook.com/758215354276000/posts/pfbid0mK95j6pLPNK7SqqTzZ7yNEScDuDNs2CVF5JBDDkBSvL5qJcjQTWxr&amp;#x20;tsVCmc3RaRel/?app=fbl&amp;#x20;Shirley&amp;#x20;Itumeleng&amp;#x20;Tiny&amp;#x20;Seretse&amp;#x5D; Itumeleng Shirley Tiny Seretse] Facebook Timeline Posts (''January 16, 2022)'' Retrieved 31 July 2022.

== External Links ==

* https://www.facebook.com/758215354276000/posts/pfbid0mK95j6pLPNK7SqqTzZ7yNEScDuDNs2CVF5JBDDkBSvL5qJcjQTWxr%20tsVCmc3RaRel/?app=fbl%20Shirley%20Itumeleng%20Tiny%20Seretse&amp;#x5D;

[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Political activists]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]</text>
      <sha1>8xzfu013wmyolmosbudm928xd63271k</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Hang on/notice2</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249820</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150236</id>
      <parentid>3149897</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:06:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Hang on/notice2 */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="714" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Hang on/notice2]] ==

A single subpage of the &quot;hang on&quot; template from the English Wikipedia. This makes no sense here, the hang on template isn't used to contest speedy deletions on this project, the instructions make no sense (what button is there to click in the Wikiquote speedy deletion template) and I don't see why only one subpage was imported. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:35, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>112o0lft2yqpsxttnr1kluu8da64i3a</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected sockpuppets</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249821</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150237</id>
      <parentid>3149899</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:07:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Category:Suspected sockpuppets */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1038" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Category:Suspected sockpuppets]] ==

Useless category. To start with we already have [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] which is basically identical in scope. The instructions at the top of the category refer to a deleted template and don't make sense anymore. The already existing [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] is full of accounts that have been blocked on the basis of behavioural evidence. This category is full of accounts that haven't edited in years that Ilovemydoodle has accused of being sockpuppets, often without any real evidence, then tagged with one of their templates saying that someone else needs to figure out if they're sockpuppets or not. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:39, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>k6u940yp9zgsiqemg5qg577v5axpd0h</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sockpuppet/categorise</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249822</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150238</id>
      <parentid>3149902</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:07:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Sockpuppet/categorise */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="552" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]] ==

Template subpage copied from the English wikipedia which isn't used on this project. the Wikiquote implementation of {{tl|sockpuppet}} does not use this subpage. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:42, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>08i3eu4w0z4z15qhscpf6b63565g7sw</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping all administrators</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249823</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150240</id>
      <parentid>3149904</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:08:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Ping all administrators */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1293" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Ping all administrators]] ==

I think it is worth having a discussion over whether this template should exist. On the one hand pinging all administrators is more justifiable than pinging all users, on the other hand this has the potential to become a massive nuisance.

Most of the places where this has been used are patently inappropriate, it's been added into random templates like {{tl|bansock}}, and used to ping administrators for things that are in no way a site ending emergency. In a lot of situations where it had been used it seems like it would have been more appropriate to use a centralised administrative noticeboard like [[WQ:AN]] or [[WQ:VIP]] - if a situation only needs 1 administrator to resolve pinging all of them is just going to result in 90% of the admins wasting their time. If this is going to be kept it should only be used very sparingly in situations where every administrator is legitimately needed. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:49, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>mbegmqd6h3wt4tjd3rpurdhl460nu3s</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150408</id>
      <parentid>3150240</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:09:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Ping all administrators */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1481" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Ping all administrators]] ==

I think it is worth having a discussion over whether this template should exist. On the one hand pinging all administrators is more justifiable than pinging all users, on the other hand this has the potential to become a massive nuisance.

Most of the places where this has been used are patently inappropriate, it's been added into random templates like {{tl|bansock}}, and used to ping administrators for things that are in no way a site ending emergency. In a lot of situations where it had been used it seems like it would have been more appropriate to use a centralised administrative noticeboard like [[WQ:AN]] or [[WQ:VIP]] - if a situation only needs 1 administrator to resolve pinging all of them is just going to result in 90% of the admins wasting their time. If this is going to be kept it should only be used very sparingly in situations where every administrator is legitimately needed. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:49, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' as unnecessary. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1rz4ipiibhh47cvb73399a39s3esscz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Election results</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249824</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150241</id>
      <parentid>3149907</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:09:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Election results */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1332" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Election results]] ==

This is for [[Template:Election results]], [[Module:Election results]], [[Module:Political party]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Module:Political party|all the subpages]] of that module. It isn't at all clear to me why a compendium of quotations would need templates for creating election results tables. This seems out of project scope and better suited to wikipedia. This template is used in one place, a discussion on the village pump, where it was used to give a running tally of how people had &quot;voted&quot;. The table there is obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works (consensus != counting votes). Furthermore it is completely unnecessary to have a massive nest of complex modules, templates and lua data structures to produce a 1 off table with some fancy colouring, I propose removing the single use of this or replacing it with a plain table, and deleting this template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:57, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>hoe6lp4crxmpx261shgotplw29gkvk9</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com person</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249825</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150242</id>
      <parentid>3149917</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:09:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Tv.com person */ Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="553" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Tv.com person]] ==

This should be deleted for the same reason that [[Template:Tv.com show]] was deleted, Tv.com no longer exists and all the links this template produces are dead. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:59, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''' - no longer needed. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>qv7vcbkf6gnj0a1y0ltm4cr4o9tyhy6</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ambrociah samboko</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249831</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150243</id>
      <parentid>3150056</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:12:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>prod</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="989" xml:space="preserve">----{{dated prod|concern = Lack of notability|month = August|day = 1|year = 2022|time = 13:12|timestamp = 20220801131214}}
&lt;!-- Do not use the &quot;dated prod&quot; template directly; the above line is generated by &quot;subst:prod|reason&quot; --&gt;
Ambrociah Samboko hails from the village of Mmadinare, north east of Botswana. She rose to fame after being crowned Mrs Botswana 2021/2022.

== Quotes ==

* My philosophy or value that I hold dearest in life is honesty
* For you to progress in life you have to be honest. When you are honest people easily trust you and that can open doors of success for you and more opportunities can open up for you.
** [https://www.mmegi.bw/lifestyle/samboko-wins-mrs-botswana-2021-2022-title/news Ambrociah] Mmegi Newspaper interview (''November 1, 2021'') retrieved 31 July 2022.

== External links ==

* https://www.mmegi.bw/lifestyle/samboko-wins-mrs-botswana-2021-2022-title/news
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:African women]]
[[Category:People from Botswana]]</text>
      <sha1>nnmqk474rtepzcevyddv4sqs03rc57q</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Berta Castañé</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249840</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150244</id>
      <parentid>3150212</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:16:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:Spanish actors]]; added [[Category:Actors from Spain]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2802" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like being in front of but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my acting career, even if, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also to teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the Marie Claire interview, ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* I met Hortensia Maeso in 2013, when she was still the designer of Rubio Kids, shortly after I was a model for her first solo collection, in her own brand, ''Les enfants de Eden'', I still remember how special she made me feel. With her models, Hortensia makes me feel elegant, sophisticated and unique.
:''Conocí a Hortensia allá por el 2013, cuando ella todavía era la diseñadora de Rubio Kids, poco tiempo después fui modelo para su primera colección en solitario, en su marca propia, Les enfants de l'eden, todavía recuerdo lo especial que me hizo sentir aquello. Con sus diseños, Hortensia me hace sentir elegante, sofisticada y única.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I like to be original and unique, I let myself be carried away by what attracts me and I want it in that moment, not by what is worn.
:''Me gusta ser original y única, me dejo llevar por lo que me atrae y me apetece en ese momento, no por lo que se lleva.''&lt;ref name=&quot;giltmagazine.it&quot;&gt;''[https://www.quever.news/estrellas/2022/7/6/estas-son-las-medidas-altura-de-la-bellisima-berta-castane-17520.html Estas son las medidas y altura de la bellísima Berta Castañé]'', ''quever.news'', 6 July 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Castañé, Berta}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Spanish models]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Sabadell]]</text>
      <sha1>2aoycji32n2kf5ltu1hu7qn2d6c403n</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150245</id>
      <parentid>3150244</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:16:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:Spanish models]]; added [[Category:Models from Spain]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2805" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like being in front of but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my acting career, even if, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also to teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the Marie Claire interview, ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* I met Hortensia Maeso in 2013, when she was still the designer of Rubio Kids, shortly after I was a model for her first solo collection, in her own brand, ''Les enfants de Eden'', I still remember how special she made me feel. With her models, Hortensia makes me feel elegant, sophisticated and unique.
:''Conocí a Hortensia allá por el 2013, cuando ella todavía era la diseñadora de Rubio Kids, poco tiempo después fui modelo para su primera colección en solitario, en su marca propia, Les enfants de l'eden, todavía recuerdo lo especial que me hizo sentir aquello. Con sus diseños, Hortensia me hace sentir elegante, sofisticada y única.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I like to be original and unique, I let myself be carried away by what attracts me and I want it in that moment, not by what is worn.
:''Me gusta ser original y única, me dejo llevar por lo que me atrae y me apetece en ese momento, no por lo que se lleva.''&lt;ref name=&quot;giltmagazine.it&quot;&gt;''[https://www.quever.news/estrellas/2022/7/6/estas-son-las-medidas-altura-de-la-bellisima-berta-castane-17520.html Estas son las medidas y altura de la bellísima Berta Castañé]'', ''quever.news'', 6 July 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Castañé, Berta}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Sabadell]]</text>
      <sha1>70q9uyr2ttbz4eld9qnqmorhzb4p970</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150246</id>
      <parentid>3150245</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:16:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:People from Sabadell]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2771" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like being in front of but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my acting career, even if, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also to teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the Marie Claire interview, ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* I met Hortensia Maeso in 2013, when she was still the designer of Rubio Kids, shortly after I was a model for her first solo collection, in her own brand, ''Les enfants de Eden'', I still remember how special she made me feel. With her models, Hortensia makes me feel elegant, sophisticated and unique.
:''Conocí a Hortensia allá por el 2013, cuando ella todavía era la diseñadora de Rubio Kids, poco tiempo después fui modelo para su primera colección en solitario, en su marca propia, Les enfants de l'eden, todavía recuerdo lo especial que me hizo sentir aquello. Con sus diseños, Hortensia me hace sentir elegante, sofisticada y única.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I like to be original and unique, I let myself be carried away by what attracts me and I want it in that moment, not by what is worn.
:''Me gusta ser original y única, me dejo llevar por lo que me atrae y me apetece en ese momento, no por lo que se lleva.''&lt;ref name=&quot;giltmagazine.it&quot;&gt;''[https://www.quever.news/estrellas/2022/7/6/estas-son-las-medidas-altura-de-la-bellisima-berta-castane-17520.html Estas son las medidas y altura de la bellísima Berta Castañé]'', ''quever.news'', 6 July 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Castañé, Berta}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
      <sha1>jo9apham9g0fvs7qdapm1f78cjnszg6</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150247</id>
      <parentid>3150246</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T13:16:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>5.91.182.164</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2855" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
:'''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
:''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''&lt;ref&gt;From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Castañé, Berta}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Spanish actors]]
[[Category:Spanish models]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Spain]]</text>
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'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
:'''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
:''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''&lt;ref&gt;From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Spanish actors]]
[[Category:Spanish models]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Spain]]</text>
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      <minor />
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
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'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
:'''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
:''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''&lt;ref&gt;From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Spanish actors]]
[[Category:Spanish models]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2826" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
:'''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
:''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''&lt;ref&gt;From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Spanish models]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:Spanish models]]; added [[Category:Models from Spain]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2829" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
:''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot;&gt;From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
:'''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''&lt;ref name=&quot;marie-claire.es&quot; /&gt;
* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
:''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''&lt;ref&gt;From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2968" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
** ''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
** '''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
** ''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''
** From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actors from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>removed [[Category:Actors from Spain]]; added [[Category:Actresses from Spain]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2971" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Berta C. García (19786354208) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Berta Castañé]]
'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
** ''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
** '''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
** ''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''
** From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actresses from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <comment>Removing &quot;Berta_C._García_(19786354208)_(cropped).jpg&quot;, it has been deleted from Commons by [[commons:User:Elcobbola|Elcobbola]] because: [[:c:COM:SS|Screenshot]] of non-free content ([[:c:COM:CSD#F3|F3]]).</comment>
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      <text bytes="2895" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Berta Castañé|Berta Castañé García]]''' (born [[5 November]] [[2002]]) is a Catalan Spanish [[Actor|actress]] and model.

== Quotes by Berta Castañé ==
* I love fashion photography, I like to be in front but also behind the lens, I am passionate about everything related to the audiovisual and creative world. At the moment I am still focused on my career as an actress, although, as I told you before, I am attracted to everything related to the audiovisual world and also teaching, we will see what the future holds.
** ''Me encanta la fotografía de moda, me gusta estar delante pero también detrás del objetivo, todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y creativo me apasiona. De momento sigo centrada en la carrera de actriz, aunque, como te he dicho antes, me atrae todo lo relacionado con el mundo audiovisual y también la enseñanza, veremos qué me depara el futuro.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* '''How would you describe your transition from teenager to adult?''' The truth is that I barely notice it, I spend all my time between studies and filming, I live between Madrid and Barcelona, I barely have time to think about it, I think I lived more as an adult than as a teenager, but very happy.
** '''¿Cómo describirías tu paso de adolescente a adulta?''' ''La verdad es que apenas me estoy dando cuenta, paso todo el tiempo entre los estudios y los rodajes, viviendo entre Madrid y Barcelona, casi no tengo tiempo de pensar en ello, creo que llevo más vida de adulta que de adolescente, pero muy feliz.''
** From the interview ''[https://www.marie-claire.es/moda/modelos/fotos/entrevista-a-berta-castane-241588061091 Hablamos con Berta Castañé, la estrella en ascenso de la pequeña pantalla]'', ''marie-claire.es'', 28 July 2020.

* I want to develop my aesthetic sense without being too influenced. In a dress I try to be personal and that transmits my inspiration, that makes me look and feel unique.
** ''Quiero desarrollar mi sentido de la estética sin dejarme influir demasiado. En un vestido busco que sea personal y que me transmita mi propia inspiración, que me haga parecer y sentir única.''
** From the interview of Begoña Clérigues, ''[https://www.lasprovincias.es/revista-valencia/vestir-actriz-alfombra-20220208190641-nt.html Cómo vestir a una actriz para la alfombra roja]'', ''lasprovincias.es'', 9 February 2022.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/berta-casta%C3%B1%C3%A9}}
* {{IMDb name|7134654|Berta Castañé}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Castañé, Berta}}
[[Category:Actresses from Spain]]
[[Category:Models from Spain]]
[[Category:2002 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1653" xml:space="preserve">'''Kemper Military School &amp; College''' was a private military school located in Boonville, Missouri. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when Will Rogers went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others. Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108</text>
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      <text bytes="1657" xml:space="preserve">'''Kemper Military School &amp; College''' was a private military school located in Boonville, Missouri. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others. Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108</text>
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      <text bytes="1998" xml:space="preserve">'''Kemper Military School &amp; College''' was a private military school located in Boonville, Missouri. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108</text>
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      <text bytes="2409" xml:space="preserve">'''Kemper Military School &amp; College''' was a private military school located in Boonville, Missouri. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]

== Quotes ==

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108</text>
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      <text bytes="3217" xml:space="preserve">'''Kemper Military School &amp; College''' was a private military school located in Boonville, Missouri. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]

== Quotes ==

* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 110</text>
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      <text bytes="3408" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 110

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
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      <text bytes="3462" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* The Kemper authorities outfitted each cadet in beautiful gray-blue uniforms with braid down each side of the trouser legs and around the collars and sleeves. The caps were blue with heavy patent leather peaks and gold braid initials KS on the front. They had smart looking dress uniforms with &quot;spike-tailed&quot; coats and round brass buttons. They wore these uniforms to church and it was one of Will's favorite tricks, when a boy started to sit down in the pew in front of him, to kick his studded coat tails under him and then look innocently at the preacher as the uncomfortable cadet rose to readjust his coat tails and scanned the seats behind him for a guilty face.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 110

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Military academies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="3237" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* And so one night Will Rogers ran away from Kemper. He was through with schools forever. For years he had been irked by their routine to which he could not adapt himself, and now he was determined to lead the free life he loved so well. Back at Kemper the janitor brought Will's trunk down to his room and John Payne silently packed Will's things so that they could be shipped home. They had all liked Will Rogers and were sorry to see him go.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 110

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Military academies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="4243" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* At one time there was a strike at Kemper. Some of the cadets felt that the officers were pulling the strings a little too tight and urged their schoolmates to strike. About two-thirds of them finally walked out, Will Rogers and John Payne among the number. In speaking of it later, John Payne said: &quot;Will and I figured we might as well join them because, after the first month of school, we had got into so much mischief that they had taken away all our privileges, anyhow. We all went down town and stayed until our money gave out and we had to start rustling for ourselves. Will said 'The Boss (Clem Rogers) won't send me any, but I can get some money from my sister Sallie.' But before he could ask for it, we got so hungry that we finally appointed a committee to treat with the school heads and we went back. There wasn't any compromise. They skinned us good!&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 113

* And so one night Will Rogers ran away from Kemper. He was through with schools forever. For years he had been irked by their routine to which he could not adapt himself, and now he was determined to lead the free life he loved so well. Back at Kemper the janitor brought Will's trunk down to his room and John Payne silently packed Will's things so that they could be shipped home. They had all liked Will Rogers and were sorry to see him go.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 116

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Military academies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="5722" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* At one time there was a strike at Kemper. Some of the cadets felt that the officers were pulling the strings a little too tight and urged their schoolmates to strike. About two-thirds of them finally walked out, Will Rogers and John Payne among the number. In speaking of it later, John Payne said: &quot;Will and I figured we might as well join them because, after the first month of school, we had got into so much mischief that they had taken away all our privileges, anyhow. We all went down town and stayed until our money gave out and we had to start rustling for ourselves. Will said 'The Boss (Clem Rogers) won't send me any, but I can get some money from my sister Sallie.' But before he could ask for it, we got so hungry that we finally appointed a committee to treat with the school heads and we went back. There wasn't any compromise. They skinned us good!&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 113

* When the blue grass began to spring up on the campus, and the new leaves budded and the birds came back, Will and Ben Johnson would stand out in the sunshine with their arms around each other, talking of home and of how soon work would start on the range. There the colts and calves would be coming through the branding season, and the ponies would be shedding and growing sleek and fat, and everyone would be getting ready for the round-up.&lt;br&gt;It was a call that both longed to answer; a call that Will Rogers would soon answer, for he was restless and wanted to wander around like a pony with its bridle off. He was tired of Kemper; tired of struggling with its rigid military routine with little change or variety, ten months in the year. The newness had worn off and he was ready to push on.&lt;br&gt;He had talked a great deal to Bill Johnson, a boy who came from a ranch near Canadian, Texas, in the panhandle. Bill was a good scholar and a crack mathematician, but he was also a real Westerner who had been raised in the cattle country.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Why don't you go out to Perry Ewing's ranch at Higgins, Texas?&quot; Bill asked Will Rogers one day, &quot;You'll like it out there. The Ewings are fine folks and they'll let you stay. They've got a boy named Frank who's a good one. He don't like school any better than you do. Why don't you go out there?&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 115

* And so one night Will Rogers ran away from Kemper. He was through with schools forever. For years he had been irked by their routine to which he could not adapt himself, and now he was determined to lead the free life he loved so well. Back at Kemper the janitor brought Will's trunk down to his room and John Payne silently packed Will's things so that they could be shipped home. They had all liked Will Rogers and were sorry to see him go.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 116

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Military academies of the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="5741" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Kemper Military School - Boonville, MO (4566643610).jpg|thumb|Kemper Military School in 2003]]
[[File:Old Kemper Military School (6979057434).jpg|thumb|One of the first boys [[Will Rogers|Will]] saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot; ~ [[Harold Keith]]]]
'''[[w:Kemper Military School|Kemper Military School &amp; College]]''' was a private military school located in [[w:Boonville, Missouri|Boonville, Missouri]]. Founded in 1844, Kemper filed for bankruptcy and closed in 2002. The school's motto was ''Nunquam Non Paratus'' (Never Not Prepared).

== Quotes ==
* Clem Rogers had not given up on his determination to have Will acquire an education. He still believed Will could get some good out of schooling if only a school could be found that would hold his interest. After a good deal of thought Clem decided on Kemper Military Academy at Boonville, Missouri. The school had a fine reputation and in those days many well-to-do ranchmen sent their sons there, not only for the academic training the school offered, but also that they might acquire poise, learn obedience, manliness and how to be orderly in personal appearance. There were the sons of many prominent families at Kemper when [[Will Rogers]] went there, among them Burton Mudge, son of the president of the Santa Fe railroad; Alden Nickerson, whose father was president of the Mexican and Central railway; Norris Beebee, son of a well-known Boston leather manufacturer; R. D. Williams, son of a judge of the Missouri Supreme Court, and many others.&lt;br&gt;Will arrived at Kemper on January 13, 1897, wearing full cowboy regalia, a short Stetson hat with a braided horsehair cord, red bandana handkerchief around his neck, a richly colored vest and high-heeled red-top boots with noisy spurs. He must have looked strange to the Kemper boys, clad in their trim uniforms.&lt;br&gt;One of the first boys Will saw was John Payne, also part Cherokee, whom he had met and known at Tahlequah when their fathers went there to the Cherokee Council, years before. &quot;Why hello, John,&quot; Will drawled, beaming because he had found someone from home, &quot;they got you here, too?&quot; &quot;Yes,&quot; laughed John, &quot;I'm servin' time same as you.&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 107-108

* At one time there was a strike at Kemper. Some of the cadets felt that the officers were pulling the strings a little too tight and urged their schoolmates to strike. About two-thirds of them finally walked out, Will Rogers and John Payne among the number. In speaking of it later, John Payne said: &quot;Will and I figured we might as well join them because, after the first month of school, we had got into so much mischief that they had taken away all our privileges, anyhow. We all went down town and stayed until our money gave out and we had to start rustling for ourselves. Will said 'The Boss (Clem Rogers) won't send me any, but I can get some money from my sister Sallie.' But before he could ask for it, we got so hungry that we finally appointed a committee to treat with the school heads and we went back. There wasn't any compromise. They skinned us good!&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 113

* When the blue grass began to spring up on the campus, and the new leaves budded and the birds came back, Will and Ben Johnson would stand out in the sunshine with their arms around each other, talking of home and of how soon work would start on the range. There the colts and calves would be coming through the branding season, and the ponies would be shedding and growing sleek and fat, and everyone would be getting ready for the round-up.&lt;br&gt;It was a call that both longed to answer; a call that Will Rogers would soon answer, for he was restless and wanted to wander around like a pony with its bridle off. He was tired of Kemper; tired of struggling with its rigid military routine with little change or variety, ten months in the year. The newness had worn off and he was ready to push on.&lt;br&gt;He had talked a great deal to Bill Johnson, a boy who came from a ranch near Canadian, Texas, in the panhandle. Bill was a good scholar and a crack mathematician, but he was also a real Westerner who had been raised in the cattle country.&lt;br&gt;&quot;Why don't you go out to Perry Ewing's ranch at Higgins, Texas?&quot; Bill asked Will Rogers one day, &quot;You'll like it out there. The Ewings are fine folks and they'll let you stay. They've got a boy named Frank who's a good one. He don't like school any better than you do. Why don't you go out there?&quot;
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 115

* And so one night Will Rogers ran away from Kemper. He was through with schools forever. For years he had been irked by their routine to which he could not adapt himself, and now he was determined to lead the free life he loved so well. Back at Kemper the janitor brought Will's trunk down to his room and John Payne silently packed Will's things so that they could be shipped home. They had all liked Will Rogers and were sorry to see him go.
** [[Harold Keith]], ''Will Rogers, A Boy's Life'' (Norman: Levite of Apache, 1991), revised 1991 republication of 1937 original, p. 116

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Military academies of the United States]]</text>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{{Autor  |bgcolor =   |Nombre = Luva de Pedreiro   |Photo =   |Wikipedia = Luva de Pedreiro   |Wikicommons =   |Wikisource =   |Gutenberg =   |DominioPu =   |Cervantes =   |EbooksG =  }}  == Quotes ==  * My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Than...&quot;</comment>
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== Quotes ==

* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: &lt;ref&gt;https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml&lt;/ref&gt;

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'''Iran de Santana Alves''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.
== Quotes ==

* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: &lt;ref&gt;https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml&lt;/ref&gt;

== References ==</text>
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      <text bytes="735" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Luva de Pedreiro|Iran de Santana Alves]]''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.

== Quotes ==
* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: [https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:de Pedreiro, Luva}}</text>
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      <text bytes="772" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Luva de Pedreiro|Iran de Santana Alves]]''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.

== Quotes ==
* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: [https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:de Pedreiro, Luva}}

[[Category:Internet personalities]]</text>
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      <text bytes="795" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Luva de Pedreiro|Iran de Santana Alves]]''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.

== Quotes ==
* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: [https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:de Pedreiro, Luva}}

[[Category:Internet personalities]]
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      <text bytes="820" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Luva de Pedreiro|Iran de Santana Alves]]''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.

== Quotes ==
* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: [https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:de Pedreiro, Luva}}

[[Category:Internet personalities]]
[[Category:YouTubers]]
[[Category:2001 births]]</text>
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      <text bytes="847" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Luva de Pedreiro|Iran de Santana Alves]]''' (Quijingue, November 7, 2001), better known as '''Luva de Pedreiro''', is a content creator and Brazilian digital influencer.

== Quotes ==
* My troops speak, thank God. I'm traveling to Europe, painho and mainha here, like that, thank God, Father. To Europe, this time painho and mainha 'go'. Invitation from LaLiga, LaLiga, right, magnificent, sensational, thank God. It's the troop, departed Europe heavy. Thanks, Laliga.
** Luva de Pedreiro viagem a Europa: [https://g1.globo.com/ba/bahia/noticia/2022/07/31/luva-de-pedreiro-viaja-para-a-europa-acompanhado-dos-pais-dessa-vez-painho-e-mainha-vai.ghtml]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:de Pedreiro, Luva}}

[[Category:Internet personalities]]
[[Category:YouTubers]]
[[Category:2001 births]]
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      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Fiorenzo Angelini|]]''' (1 August 1916 – 22 November 2014) was an Italian cardinal of the Catholic Church.  == Quotes ==  * To state today that the Pope did not have the courage to speak, means not recognizing Pope Pacelli even in a photograph, because he was not a man of half measures, he was not a man of arrangements. ** [https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/18518/cardinal-angelini-says-pius-xiis-example-drove-him-to-save-wwii-jews Cardinal Angelini says Pi...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="1141" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Fiorenzo Angelini|Fiorenzo Angelini]]''' (1 August 1916 – 22 November 2014) was an Italian cardinal of the Catholic Church.

== Quotes ==

* To state today that the Pope did not have the courage to speak, means not recognizing Pope Pacelli even in a photograph, because he was not a man of half measures, he was not a man of arrangements.
** [https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/18518/cardinal-angelini-says-pius-xiis-example-drove-him-to-save-wwii-jews Cardinal Angelini says Pius XII's example drove him to save WWII Jews (1 February 2010) ''Catholic News Agency'']

* In those moments of war, there were no distinctions. They were all lives that needed to be saved. We as the Church had to help them.
** [https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/25402/cardinal-remembers-pope-pius-xii-as-wartime-hero-saint Cardinal remembers Pope Pius XII as wartime hero, saint (2 August 2012) ''Catholic News Agency'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angelini, Fiorenzo}} 
[[Category:1916 births]]
[[Category:People from Rome]]
[[Category:Italian Catholics]]
[[Category:Cardinals]]
[[Category:2014 deaths]]</text>
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    <title>User talk:ToBeFree</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:22:59Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;Spider&quot;</comment>
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      <comment>/* Question */ new section</comment>
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== Question ==

Dear ToBeFree can I ask you a question? [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:23, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <text bytes="136" xml:space="preserve">== Question ==

Dear ToBeFree can I ask you a question? [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:23, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <id>3150412</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:28:33Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* Unsourced */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="181" xml:space="preserve">== Unsourced ==

There's another unsourced article on English Wikipedia that you could help restore. [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:29:51Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* Truth */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="142" xml:space="preserve">== Truth ==

I'm not trying to harass you I want to help you. [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:29, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150417</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:30:43Z</timestamp>
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        <username>ToBeFree</username>
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      <id>3150418</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:31:31Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* Horror film */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="250" xml:space="preserve">== Horror film ==

Someone unnecessary merge the 2010s and 2020s contents on the history section of the [[horror film]] article can you put them back they way they were? [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:31, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <id>3150419</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:31:52Z</timestamp>
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        <username>ToBeFree</username>
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      <id>3150420</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:34:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* English Wikipedia */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="323" xml:space="preserve">== English Wikipedia ==

Look on English Wikipedia see the difference there's a 2010s section and a 2020s section on the history of horror films article and there's a 2010s to present content on the history section of the horror film article. [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:34, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150422</id>
      <parentid>3150420</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:36:57Z</timestamp>
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        <username>ToBeFree</username>
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      <id>3150423</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:39:07Z</timestamp>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* Horror film */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="254" xml:space="preserve">== Horror film ==

Can you restore the 2010s content and the 2020s content for the horror film article on English Wikipedia just so they can match the other decade contents. [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:39, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <id>3150424</id>
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        <username>ToBeFree</username>
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        <ip>152.86.164.35</ip>
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      <comment>/* Please */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="116" xml:space="preserve">== Please ==

Please for Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/152.86.164.35|152.86.164.35]] 19:40, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <id>3150426</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-01T19:41:41Z</timestamp>
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  <page>
    <title>Miral Kotb</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249848</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150499</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:06:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ikkoninc</username>
        <id>3128191</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Added quote</comment>
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      <text bytes="618" xml:space="preserve">&quot;Miral Kotb&quot; is an entrepreneur in the fields of technology development and the performing arts.

== Quotes ==  
* Sometimes when you have choices that actually makes it harder.. But when I knew that I had no choice but to survive. That is when my determination kicked in.
** [https://www.offthestrip.com/around-town/iluminate-strat-miral-kotb/ Behind The Scenes of iLuminate with Creator Miral Kotb] - ''Off The Strip' 10 February 2022.

== External links== 
* [https://wonderwomentech.com/speaker/miral-kotb/ Wonder Women Tech website]
* [https://www.aaespeakers.com/keynote-speakers/miral-kotb AAE Speakers website]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3150500</id>
      <parentid>3150499</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:07:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ikkoninc</username>
        <id>3128191</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Took out &quot;&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="616" xml:space="preserve">Miral Kotb is an entrepreneur in the fields of technology development and the performing arts.

== Quotes ==  
* Sometimes when you have choices that actually makes it harder.. But when I knew that I had no choice but to survive. That is when my determination kicked in.
** [https://www.offthestrip.com/around-town/iluminate-strat-miral-kotb/ Behind The Scenes of iLuminate with Creator Miral Kotb] - ''Off The Strip' 10 February 2022.

== External links== 
* [https://wonderwomentech.com/speaker/miral-kotb/ Wonder Women Tech website]
* [https://www.aaespeakers.com/keynote-speakers/miral-kotb AAE Speakers website]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150502</id>
      <parentid>3150500</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T22:26:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ikkoninc</username>
        <id>3128191</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Added Quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="900" xml:space="preserve">Miral Kotb is an entrepreneur in the fields of technology development and the performing arts.

== Quotes ==  
* Sometimes when you have choices that actually makes it harder. But when I knew that I had no choice but to survive. That is when my determination kicked in.
** [https://www.offthestrip.com/around-town/iluminate-strat-miral-kotb/ Behind The Scenes of iLuminate with Creator Miral Kotb] - 'Off The Strip' 10 February 2022.
* I always say – let all your doubts happen before you commit. Once you’ve committed to pursuing something, don’t look back.
** [https://mystorylounge.com/create-and-light-up-the-world-miral-kotb/ Dance And Light Up The World – Miral Kotb] - 'My Story Lounge' 18 December 2021.

== External links== 
* [https://wonderwomentech.com/speaker/miral-kotb/ Wonder Women Tech website]
* [https://www.aaespeakers.com/keynote-speakers/miral-kotb AAE Speakers website]</text>
      <sha1>azc1yqjuri8vbb391wcu421asiduw6i</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150522</id>
      <parentid>3150502</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:34:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ikkoninc</username>
        <id>3128191</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Added image from cc</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="989" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Miral Kotb Profile.jpg|thumb|Miral Kotb, founder of iLuminate and tech speaker.]]
Miral Kotb is an entrepreneur in the fields of technology development and the performing arts.

== Quotes ==  
* Sometimes when you have choices that actually makes it harder. But when I knew that I had no choice but to survive. That is when my determination kicked in.
** [https://www.offthestrip.com/around-town/iluminate-strat-miral-kotb/ Behind The Scenes of iLuminate with Creator Miral Kotb] - 'Off The Strip' 10 February 2022.
* I always say – let all your doubts happen before you commit. Once you’ve committed to pursuing something, don’t look back.
** [https://mystorylounge.com/create-and-light-up-the-world-miral-kotb/ Dance And Light Up The World – Miral Kotb] - 'My Story Lounge' 18 December 2021.

== External links== 
* [https://wonderwomentech.com/speaker/miral-kotb/ Wonder Women Tech website]
* [https://www.aaespeakers.com/keynote-speakers/miral-kotb AAE Speakers website]</text>
      <sha1>7dhi8bf5br32srpg0sk8ny9armjn0x1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3150547</id>
      <parentid>3150522</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T01:14:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ikkoninc</username>
        <id>3128191</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Added categories</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1196" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Miral Kotb Profile.jpg|thumb|Miral Kotb, founder of iLuminate and tech speaker.]]
Miral Kotb is an entrepreneur in the fields of technology development and the performing arts.

== Quotes ==  
* Sometimes when you have choices that actually makes it harder. But when I knew that I had no choice but to survive. That is when my determination kicked in.
** [https://www.offthestrip.com/around-town/iluminate-strat-miral-kotb/ Behind The Scenes of iLuminate with Creator Miral Kotb] - 'Off The Strip' 10 February 2022.
* I always say – let all your doubts happen before you commit. Once you’ve committed to pursuing something, don’t look back.
** [https://mystorylounge.com/create-and-light-up-the-world-miral-kotb/ Dance And Light Up The World – Miral Kotb] - 'My Story Lounge' 18 December 2021.

== External links== 
* [https://wonderwomentech.com/speaker/miral-kotb/ Wonder Women Tech website]
* [https://www.aaespeakers.com/keynote-speakers/miral-kotb AAE Speakers website]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kotb, Miral}}
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:Women in technology]]
[[Category:Businesswomen]]
[[Category:Founders]]
[[Category:Actors]]
[[Category:Dancers]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Talk:Me at the zoo</title>
    <ns>1</ns>
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      <id>3150507</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T23:18:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>131.242.7.110</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Me at the zoo */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="159" xml:space="preserve">== Me at the zoo ==

they also hacve big ears and long memories he forgot that [[Special:Contributions/131.242.7.110|131.242.7.110]] 23:18, 1 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Bruno Forte</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249850</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3150510</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-01T23:25:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Gilldragon</username>
        <id>2514030</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Bruno Forte|]]''' (1 August 1949 –) is an Italian prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chieti-Vasto|Archdiocese of Chieti-Vasto]].  == Quotes ==  * There is still a long way but the model of conjugation between synodality and primacy certainly opens a fruitful way. ** [https://zenit.org/2016/09/29/interview-reconciliation-between-catholics-and-orthodox-is-now-closer-says-monsignor-forte/ INTERVIEW:...&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="823" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Bruno Forte|Bruno Forte]]''' (1 August 1949 –) is an Italian prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chieti-Vasto|Archdiocese of Chieti-Vasto]].

== Quotes ==

* There is still a long way but the model of conjugation between synodality and primacy certainly opens a fruitful way.
** [https://zenit.org/2016/09/29/interview-reconciliation-between-catholics-and-orthodox-is-now-closer-says-monsignor-forte/ INTERVIEW: “Reconciliation” Between Catholics, Orthodox “Now Closer,” Says Archbishop Forte (29 September 2016) ''Zenit'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Forte, Bruno}} 
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:People from Naples]]
[[Category:Italian Catholics]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 2, 2022</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
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        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot; | align=center | [[File:BillRussellCeltics1.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best. I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their e...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="992" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:BillRussellCeltics1.jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt;  I played because I [[enjoyed]] it — but there's more to it than that. I played because I was [[dedicated]] to being the best. I was part of a team, and I dedicated myself to making that team the best. To me, one of the most [[beautiful]] things to see is a group of men coordinating their efforts toward a common [[goal]] — alternately subordinating and asserting themselves to achieve real teamwork in action. I tried to do that — we all tried to do that — on [[w:Boston Celtics|the Celtics]]. I think we [[succeeded]]. Often, in my mind's eye, I stood off and watched that [[effort]]. I found it beautiful to watch. It's just as beautiful to watch in things other than [[sports]].
| author = Bill Russell
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Bill Russell with the Obamas.jpg|292px]]
|}</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Paola Di Benedetto</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249852</id>
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      <id>3150521</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-02T00:29:12Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>83.225.20.57</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Paola Di Benedetto|Paola Di Benedetto]]''' (born [[8 January]] [[1995]]) is a Italian showgirl, model, television presenter and radio host.  == Quotes by Paola Di Benedetto == '''''[https://www.vanityfair.it/people/italia/2020/12/07/paola-di-benedetto-oltre-il-corpo-libro-se-ci-credi-interviste Paola Di Benedetto: La bellezza aiuta, ma non basta]''''', interview by Claudia Casiraghi, ''vanitifayr.it'', 7 December 2020 * I had trouble accepting my being a woman, my...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="4881" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Paola Di Benedetto|Paola Di Benedetto]]''' (born [[8 January]] [[1995]]) is a Italian showgirl, model, television presenter and radio host.

== Quotes by Paola Di Benedetto ==
'''''[https://www.vanityfair.it/people/italia/2020/12/07/paola-di-benedetto-oltre-il-corpo-libro-se-ci-credi-interviste Paola Di Benedetto: La bellezza aiuta, ma non basta]''''', interview by Claudia Casiraghi, ''vanitifayr.it'', 7 December 2020
* I had trouble accepting my being a woman, my changing body. I've always hid under loose clothing, and I still do some of it. From the outside, it is not perceived, the television returns something else and I avoid putting the oversized sweatshirt in public. However, I have always had a tendency to want to hide rather than show.
:''Ho avuto dei problemi ad accettare il mio essere donna, il mio corpo che cambiava. Mi sono sempre nascosta sotto capi larghi, e in parte lo faccio ancora. Da fuori, non si percepisce, la televisione restituisce altro ed io la felpa oversize evito di metterla in pubblico. Mi è sempre rimasta, però, una tendenza a voler nascondere anziché mostrare.''&lt;ref name=&quot;vanitifayr.it&quot;&gt;From the interview with de Claudia Casiraghi, ''[https://www.vanityfair.it/people/italia/2020/12/07/paola-di-benedetto-oltre-il-corpo-libro-se-ci-credi-interviste Paola Di Benedetto: La bellezza aiuta, ma non basta]'', ''vanitifayr.it'', 7 December 2020.&lt;/ref&gt;
* I discovered that I have a great passion for radio and this is teaching me: I am acquiring great confidence and dialectical skills. I love how the radio enhances the expression of a content and not the appearance of the person who utters it. Having said that, however, I don't want to be hypocritical: if they offered me to run a good TV program, I'd take it.
:''Ho scoperto di avere una grande passione per la radio e questo mi sta facendo scuola: sto acquisendo una grande sicurezza e capacità dialettica. Amo come la radio esalti l'espressione di un contenuto e non l’apparenza di chi lo enuncia. Ciò detto, però, non voglio essere ipocrita: se mi offrissero la conduzione di un bel programma televisivo, la prenderei.''&lt;ref name=&quot;vanitifayr.it&quot; /&gt;
* The social world has become more raw than it was a few years ago and, I believe, the credit goes to the new generations. They don't want to see perfection, they hate the stereotype of the all-beautiful always. If my mother or grandmother had seen an advertisement for a cream sponsored by a model with perfect skin, they would certainly have thought they could buy it. Now, thanks to social media, in advertisements and in photos and Stories we can talk about acne problems, about skins that are anything but perfect.
:''Il mondo social è diventato più crudo rispetto a quanto non fosse qualche anno fa e, credo, che il merito sia delle nuove generazioni. Non vogliono vedere la perfezione, detestano lo stereotipo del tutto bello sempre. Se mia madre o mia nonna avessero visto una pubblicità di una crema sponsorizzata da una modella con la pelle perfetta, di certo avrebbero pensato di poterla comprare. Adesso, grazie ai social, nelle pubblicità e nelle foto e nelle Stories possiamo parlare dei problemi di acne, di pelli che sono tutto fuorché perfette.''&lt;ref name=&quot;vanitifayr.it&quot; /&gt;
* Today, the image always comes first, and it is enough to look at the women on our television to realize it. I don't want to make a bundle of all the grass, but having a nice and seductive image is necessary. I don't even know if it is wrong: a beautiful woman is right to be appreciated also for her own aesthetics. The problem occurs when, at an audition and with the same talent, the girl with the dress is taken instead of the girl in the suit. I realized I had a weapon available, my body, and I decided to use it. It is wrong, however, that talent alone is not enough.
:''L'immagine, oggi, arriva sempre prima, ed è sufficiente guardare le donne della nostra televisione per rendersene conto. Non voglio fare di tutta l'erba un fascio, ma avere un'immagine piacente e seducente è necessario. Non so neanche dire se sia sbagliato: una donna bella è giusto si faccia apprezzare anche per la propria estetica. Il problema subentra quando, ad un provino e a parità di talento, viene presa la ragazza con il vestitino al posto della ragazza in tailleur. Io ho capito di aver a disposizione un’arma, il mio corpo, e ho deciso di sfruttarla. È sbagliato, però, che il solo talento non sia sufficiente.''&lt;ref name=&quot;vanitifayr.it&quot; /&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/paola-di-benedetto}}
* {{IMDb name|9543922|Paola Di Benedetto}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Di Benedetto, Paola}}
[[Category:Italian models]]
[[Category:1995 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Veneto]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Soleil Sorge</title>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Soleil Sorge|Soleil Anastasia Sorge]]''' (born [[5 July]] [[1994]]) is a American naturalized Italian model, television presenter, television personality and commentator.  == Quotes by Soleil Sorge == * My dream is to lead. I speak fluent Italian, English and Spanish and I am studying Russian. From the point of view of the feelings and the path, I was burned because I went out there with a person who was not interested in me. I would be afraid of relapsing again....&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="2454" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Soleil Sorge|Soleil Anastasia Sorge]]''' (born [[5 July]] [[1994]]) is a American naturalized Italian model, television presenter, television personality and commentator.

== Quotes by Soleil Sorge ==
* My dream is to lead. I speak fluent Italian, English and Spanish and I am studying Russian. From the point of view of the feelings and the path, I was burned because I went out there with a person who was not interested in me. I would be afraid of relapsing again. I don't know if I would be able to trust another person again but above all I would no longer want to have a television relationship.
:''Il mio sogno è condurre. Parlo correttamente Italiano, Inglese e Spagnolo e sto studiando il Russo. Dal punto di vista dei sentimenti e del percorso, sono rimasta scottata perché sono uscita di lì con una persona che non era interessata a me. Avrei paura di ricaderci nuovamente. Non so se riuscirei a fidarmi nuovamente di un'altra persona ma soprattutto non vorrei più avere una relazione televisiva.''&lt;ref name=&quot;aforismi.meglio.it&quot;&gt;''[https://aforismi.meglio.it/aforismi-di.htm?n=Soleil+Sorge Frasi di Soleil Sorge]'', ''aforismi.meglio.it''.&lt;/ref&gt;.
* After a sentimental burn I had decided to participate but without wanting to tie myself to anyone. As then happened to me with Jeremias, you never know what awaits us.
:''Dopo una scottatura sentimentale avevo deciso di partecipare ma senza volermi legare a nessuno. Come poi è successo a me con Jeremias non si sa mai cosa ci aspetta.''&lt;ref name=&quot;aforismi.meglio.it&quot; /&gt;
* Known of the respectability on the part of everyone. I've always been called the villain of reality because unfortunately I'm one of the few real ones. When I think of something, I expose it, regardless of whether it may later please the public.
:''Noto del perbenismo da parte di tutti quanti. Io sono sempre stata definita la cattiva del reality perché purtroppo sono una delle poche vere. Quando penso una cosa la espongo, a prescindere che possa poi piacere al pubblico.''&lt;ref name=&quot;aforismi.meglio.it&quot; /&gt;

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
* {{Official website|https://www.listal.com/soleil-sorge}}
* {{IMDb name|10477014|Soleil Sorge}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sorge, Soleil}}
[[Category:Italian models]]
[[Category:American models]]
[[Category:1994 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from Los Angeles]]
[[Category:Television personalities]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-02T07:24:14Z</timestamp>
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== [[:Etienne Courtneymfhf]] ==

Seems to be an accidental page creation or a test by an IP — [[User:Relinus|Relinus]] ([[User talk:Relinus|talk]]) 07:24, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 08:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;</text>
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